# New to this, emotionally drained



## 98nightrider

Back story; my husband and I have been together almost 6 years. We have been married a little over 2 years. Our relationship started off as a lie to begin with. I'll call him Jack. So I met Jack online and we started dating. He lived 50 miles from me, it was great, we went to lunch and dinners and spent a lot of nights in hotels. I found out by chance he was in a relationship with his child's mom still, I had no idea, I trusted him. We split up for a short time and we made up, like we always seem to do because he always knows the right words to say. He then moved in with me, and come to find out he was seeing someone else again. And again. Drove my truck to this person's house, lots of wrong things happened. My mother passed away during this time. I had no one , but this guy that kept cheating on me. I needed to not be alone. So I stayed with him. 

Things got better eventually and 4 years in we got married. I have the availability to see whom he is texting. I haven't looked at this in years, since before we got married. But I was upset about a conversation with him and his ex when no one told me that she was dropping off her son and driving away. I look at his text messages to see the whole conversation since I was getting two conflicting stories.

The first message I saw " ugh no, you know I'm not comfortable naked" OMG! I completely forget about the ex and dig into this conversation. Apparently they had dated 18 years ago, and he has been telling her he still loved her and missed her and told her they should run away together. This other girl was happily married, according to her, and was only looking to be friends, because of course I asked. But they had tried to go have lunch and it didn't seem to work out. He was asking her for naked pictures and continued to make these inappropriate comments to her. I never knew anything about it. Not that they where friends, let's all go to lunch, nothing. I dig further, another girl he worked with was texting him, he was asking her for naked pictures also. She declined as well. I continued, multiple messages outgoing to phone numbers that confirm the number was found on craigslist. "How much?", "are you available?"... when asked about it, he says it was stupid conversation that shouldn't have continued... these messages are from at least in the past 3 months, I can't see any further back... 

He said he has a problem, i get that, he says he wants help. I tell him we will go to marriage counseling. He says he doesn't need anyone to tell him how to run his marriage. I say well then we can get you into a therapist and see what the problem may be. He says ok. Today is his appointment with the therapist, now he doesn't know he will be able to make it, doesn't think it will do any good, and doesn't want to waste the money. I'm all for standing by your spouse in tough times. But this is one of those situations I'm not sure about anymore.

We have a lot of issues, he has OCD and I don't, but I'm not dirty by any means. We hardly have sex, and honestly it hurts my feelings. Ive offered to maybe let's buy some toys, he tells me if we need that then we don't need to be together. We don't kiss like we used too. We are really just almost roommates sometimes. 

My friend tells me he loves me, just not like I love him. I would never have these conversations with someone else because I'm "bored". (That was his excuse) I need some advise. I don't think this is going away. I'm not really happy anymore because of this. I'm not sure I could ever trust him. How can I continue life with him wondering who he is telling he loves today? Does he really love me? Or is he using me? I just need guidance. 

Thank you...


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## Steve2.0

He was clearly looking to hire a prostitute ("how much/are you avail?")


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## Stormguy2018

You need to divorce your husband. He will never change.


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## notmyjamie

The one who needs counseling here OP, is you. You need to figure out why you think you're worth so little that you would take all his crap. He might love you, but it's certainly not a healthy form of love and it's not the way a husband should love his wife. He's been doing this the entire time you've been together. 

Stop trying to change him. Just leave. Get out now and get some therapy. You are worth so much more than this *******.


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## 3Xnocharm

I agree. YOU are the problem here. He keeps showing you and showing you exactly who the hell he is, and yet you keep clinging onto him, I guess believing that this cheating piece of **** is the best you can do, or what you deserve. He doesnt have a problem, he is feeding you bull**** to keep you around and it works. He is just a lowlife cheat, nothing more. This is your life, until you finally realize that you actually deserve a million times better than him.


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## Marc878

Stop living on hopium. Get out of your fantasy and dump him now.

You have no future here.


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## 98nightrider

Update: we went to counseling separately. My session was good, I went over most of the problems that we have. My husband went after me. He came home after his and explained to me that the counselor wanted to speak to me again because I had issues she wanted to get to the bottom of. He apparently lied to her and told her that all his past relationships have cheated on him, which I know is a lie he cheated on them. Long story short, my husband made a way to make me the bad guy in all this and it's all my fault he talks to other women because my ex husband almost killed me. That's how I'm getting it. All the blame is now on me. This is never going to get better from what im seeing.


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## 3Xnocharm

98nightrider said:


> Update: we went to counseling separately. My session was good, I went over most of the problems that we have. My husband went after me. He came home after his and explained to me that the counselor wanted to speak to me again because I had issues she wanted to get to the bottom of. He apparently lied to her and told her that all his past relationships have cheated on him, which I know is a lie he cheated on them. Long story short, my husband made a way to make me the bad guy in all this and it's all my fault he talks to other women because my ex husband almost killed me. That's how I'm getting it. All the blame is now on me. This is never going to get better from what im seeing.


Nope. He is completely remorseless. What a lowlife.


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## sa58

98nightrider said:


> Update: we went to counseling separately. My session was good, I went over most of the problems that we have. My husband went after me. He came home after his and explained to me that the counselor wanted to speak to me again because I had issues she wanted to get to the bottom of. He apparently lied to her and told her that all his past relationships have cheated on him, which I know is a lie he cheated on them. Long story short, my husband made a way to make me the bad guy in all this and it's all my fault he talks to other women because my ex husband almost killed me. That's how I'm getting it. All the blame is now on me. This is never going to get better from what im seeing.


A cheater who blames everyone else for their cheating.
Where have I heard that before, Oh every one of them 
does it. Don't be surprised!! The counselor wants to talk 
to you about the issue of why you are putting up with him.

"This is never going to get better from what I am seeing "
You see it now change it, only you can. 

If you have an ex already will this will be your second ?
I suggest that you continue counseling and find out why 
you are attracted to this type of person. That could be 
an issue for you.


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## Girl_power

Time for a divorce. Don’t tolerate that for a second.


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## Yeswecan

98nightrider said:


> Update: we went to counseling separately. My session was good, I went over most of the problems that we have. My husband went after me. He came home after his and explained to me that the counselor wanted to speak to me again because I had issues she wanted to get to the bottom of. He apparently lied to her and told her that all his past relationships have cheated on him, which I know is a lie he cheated on them. Long story short, my husband made a way to make me the bad guy in all this and it's all my fault he talks to other women because my ex husband almost killed me. That's how I'm getting it. All the blame is now on me. This is never going to get better from what im seeing.


Go set the record straight. Further, once the counselor sees that your H is a lier he will be dropped from the counseling. No counselor should tolerate a lier. Nor should you.


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## 3Xnocharm

Yeswecan said:


> Go set the record straight. Further, once the counselor sees that your H is a lier he will be dropped from the counseling. No counselor should tolerate a lier. Nor should you.


Also no decent counselor is going to accept this kind of blame shifting by the cheater. If she is going along with his bullcrap story, then you need to find someone else to help you.


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## GusPolinski

His problem is that he’s a POS.

Dump him and move on with your life.

You’ll be happier — and better — for it.


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## TAMAT

98,

My sense here is that your H is a narcissist or sociopath, nothing is his fault and he will gradually make you more and more the scapegoat. They are the most charming people you will ever meet until they have you or you say no to them.

Get out or he will likely secretly get you into debt, divorce now before he destroys you.

He can't even be honest with a therapist.


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## sa58

TAMAT said:


> 98,
> 
> My sense here is that your H is a narcissist or sociopath, nothing is his fault and he will gradually make you more and more the scapegoat. They are the most charming people you will ever meet until they have you or you say no to them.
> 
> Get out or he will likely secretly get you into debt, divorce now before he destroys you.
> 
> He can't even be honest with a therapist.




Most likely how he charmed and lied to get the counselor to believe him.
Go back to the counselor, joint session and the truth will come out.
If the counselor can't see him for who he is , then get a new counselor.
He will just continue to lie, to the counselor and you for sure.


And get him out of your life , quickly.


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## 98nightrider

* New update * 6-17-19 

Thank you for all the insight... it makes me feel good knowing someone hears me and can help me through this time of not knowing if I'm crazy. I have continued to try to work on things with my husband. Last week I was curious how many times he had called these other women because obviously it's still on my mind. As I was perusing through my call log, I noticed a number that seemed almost familiar to me. So I googled it. 1800freesex... he had called this number before in our earlier times and I very explicitly explained to him that this was a form of cheating then, maybe 5 years ago... and to me, it is. You are having conversations with another person talking about things you should only be thinking about with your spouse. I continued on through the call logs, since I found out about the 2 women in may, he hasn't called. But prior to that, he was calling sometimes twice a day, some calls well over 30 minutes long. I was able to go back as far as I could which was 18 months... hes been calling this 900 number for almost our entire marriage that I know of... to me, my marriage is a lie. 

I questioned him about this. He explained to me that he thinks he does it for attention and he has bee scared to come to me to try something new to spice our life up. But, I have come to him about spice before and offered new things, toys etc... he has always told me if we ever need that then we shouldn't be together. I left it alone because I assumed if he felt like he wanted to talk to me about something he would. 

But yet again, here I am, trying to make the best of my marriage only to see that I'm not enough to the person who I have let drag me through the mud. My questions are very complex. I love my husband dearly, do i believe he was scared of talking to me for the past 18 months or more, the fact that he only is looking for attention i try to give him and he turns away and laughs me off (like my sexy texts i try to send him often, he lol's and stops talking or changes the subject). I only get a conversation when I start it so it can't be that i don't want to talk to him or give him attention. 
I'm very torn with my life at this point. I'm afraid to make a decision that will be the wrong one. Do I stay and deal with this, do I become the one to take the reigns in bed, do I take control of my marriage. I just have no idea what to do. Part of me tells me he's lying. Part of me tells me he's telling the truth because our intimacy has been almost non existent for some time now, I just assumed he was always too tired and when he was ready he would take it I guess... that and there has been many times I tried and he fell asleep, so I gave up. No person wants to be fell asleep on. 

The other part of me tells me he's just trying to get me to hold on because he knows what he has with me stability, a mother for his kid when he's here on the weekends, help with income, a couple nice houses and he doesn't want everyone to know he couldn't make it work. 

Life just kinda sucks right now.


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## 3Xnocharm

He is lying his ass off, sis. The only mistake you can make here is staying with this piece of crap. Stop believing his constant stream of bull****.


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## SecondWind

98nightrider said:


> * New update * 6-17-19
> 
> am, trying to make the best of my marriage only to see that *I'm not enough to the person who I have let drag me through the mud.*


 No woman will ever "be enough" for your husband and it is because he has a deep rooted problem. If he we're married to Mrs. America he would be compelled to cheat on her. 

Love yourself. Leave him.


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## Prodigal

98nightrider said:


> I questioned him about this. He explained to me that he thinks he does it for attention and he has bee scared to come to me to try something new to spice our life up. But, I have come to him about spice before and offered new things, toys etc... he has always told me if we ever need that then we shouldn't be together.
> 
> But yet again, here I am, trying to make the best of my marriage. My questions are very complex. I love my husband dearly … the fact that he only is looking for attention i try to give him and he turns away and laughs me off (like my sexy texts i try to send him often, he lol's and stops talking or changes the subject). I only get a conversation when I start it so it can't be that i don't want to talk to him or give him attention.
> 
> The other part of me tells me he's just trying to get me to hold on because he knows what he has with me stability, a mother for his kid when he's here on the weekends, help with income, a couple nice houses and he doesn't want everyone to know he couldn't make it work.


^^THIS.^^ 

So hubby needs "attention" elsewhere. Okay. When you give him attention, he basically shuts you down. Meanwhile, you - and you alone - are trying to make the best of a lousy situation. 

Sorry, but I fail to see anything particularly complex about your questions. I also completely fail to see what there is to dearly love. 

Your husband dismisses you, shows you no respect, and gets his jollies seeking attention from ho's. 

You came here asking for advice, so here's my two cents: Find your self-respect/self-esteem. Find out why you love a man who treats you like crap. Stop believing the lies. Find YOUR truth. Oh, and get rid of this loser. Seriously.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Whatever the reason, at this point with the behavior he continues to show you, it's time to put him out.

H will always try yet another slightly different tact to "explain away" his behavior while internally he knows he's not going to stop his dishonest actions. 

H continues to placate you and string you along because, well, he gets away with it.

The deeper truth, I'm sorry to sound harsh, is you and only you keep letting his lying, sorry self get away with it.

Don't doubt after you reach your limit (and you will) he'll move on, find another anchor point for his life.

Don't go by what he does. Go by what his repeated actions are.

Kindly, and those actions are lying, cheating, being hurtful to you.

Hang in there.


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## sunsetmist

I agree with others. Sounds like y'all did not finish counseling last month?

He need 'risky' situations to turn him on--you no longer are that person. He is a cheater, liar, abuser. Do you love the real man or the charming, selfish guy who lives by his own rules. Have you been tested for STD's? 

His repeated devaluation of you will continue to elicit confusing emotions and lead to your lack of faith and trust in yourself.


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## 98nightrider

No, we didn't finish counseling. He can't seem to find time, and I have made appts for myself but have had to cancel for reasons like birthdays and him wanting to go to dinner with kids and or his parents. 

I still continue to have issues with him and the reminder he has done me wrong but can only explain he made a stupid decision to not talk to about his "want to try new things" for the past 18 months but calls a sex number instead or his stupid mistake of texting other women and telling them he wants to run away with them loves them etc.... I've tried to talk to him when he asks me "what's wrong with you now" or "can you at least act like you want me around" comments but instead I get told that he isn't going to do it again and he will be the husband I need him to be because he knows he's f'd up but also doesn't want to be reminded of it constantly. So I shut up to keep from arguing. 

He recently decided that he may want to change jobs, I told him whatever he wanted to do I would be behind him. We went over pros and cons one night and he made the comment he doesn't like change. He has continued to talk about the decision to change jobs for the last week or so, to the point I have told him I didn't want to talk it anymore. Mostly because he doesn't want to talk to me about my issues I have with what he's done, yet I'm expected to talk about his feelings about a job change. He claims to want to move jobs because he would have more time off and he wants to spend it with me, and feels a lot of our issues are because works so much. He works about 55 hrs a week and still has 2 days off. The problem we have is not this job, and it wasn't the job he had when when he was calling this number or texting these women for the last 6 years. He is the problem. And when I mentioned that to him, because I'm a straight forward person for the most part, he got upset with me. 

We went to a waterpark and he mentioned that I liked something that was black because it's what I do, "well you like black guys so that's why you like this because its black too" then I say "that comment is really getting old after 6 years sir" he comes back with "I was just joking! S#$t! I can't even joke with you anymore". "The joke is 6 years old and it's still not funny, when are you gonna quit?" Then he gets quiet and ignores me till I say something to him. (Most of my previous relationships have been with men of color and my kids are mixed). 

Little things I used to deal with I can't stand anymore. And today, I found myself flirting with a co worker that I found out grew up down the street from me and I had no idea. I was embarrassed. I'm married, this guy is recently divorced, what am I doing? I would never have done this before! What is happening. I've found myself not wanting to be near him and finding reasons to get away. That's not like me at all. I'd rather go to bed earlier and fall asleep before he comes to bed than have to pretend to be around him. I will go all day without texting him first at work just to see the lack of connection we have and to get the text "well damn, I love you". Because that it is easier to put a conversation in my plate instead of "how's your day going? Hows work?" Something, just something to start a conversation other than complaining I don't text first or complaining that I don't talk anymore. It just proves more and more that this has caused a void in what I thought was a good relationship.

Unfortunately, after the umpteenth time of going through heartache with this man, I just have reached my breaking point. But I don't know how to leave without losing everything including my houses. 

The more I have talked to a good friend, whom has known me for at least 16 years, I realize that maybe, my husband as only seen me as a stable person with a huge heart and has possibly been taking advantage of me for all these years. Family is in town doing work to save us money on a project. Instead of wondering how to save the extra money, he looks for cars or boats to buy. Even mentioning this in front of said family to the point I told him if he says that one more time I'm telling family to leave and we will do the project ourself. He was upset and said he wouldn't mention it but still was going to look for a boat because he wants to be able to spend time with his "family" on it. Me, being that guy, so you want to buy a boat to spend time with family but will argue back and forth about a job that will give you the time off you want but aren't getting in your current job. That was too real for him. I got the cold shoulder, again, until I said something to him. And was told I didn't need to make stupid comments, well you shouldn't be a hypocrite. Sorry not sorry. 

These comments I would probably not have said to him 3 months ago before I found out he was talking to other women. But, I have lost my filter. 

Sorry for the long post. I just needed to write these feelings out. I know i have got so many posts about leaving and such, but it's not that easy. My house is in disarray and I have no family to turn to other than his. Things aren't always so easy, there are other contributing factors. Although, I could very easily make it on my own, the fear of starting over or dealing with him being nasty to me like he does will make things so much worse.

Speaking of being nasty, I'm not sure if I mentioned this, but a couple weeks ago i was busy and didn't answer him back when he wanted when we where off work (I was working on the house with family, he was laying in bed at his parents) he literally told me he was going to the courthouse to give me what I wanted, he was filing for a divorce, he had talked to a lawyer already and it was going to cost $400, he was sorry we didn't make it 3 years, and he hopes me and my kids would be happier now. Not once have I mentioned divorce, this is his favorite word, not mine. Who does this? 

Anyways, thanks for reading. I'm open to comments like always. Have a great day!


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## 98nightrider

* 6-28-19 *

To answer the questions about the counselling, I have made appoints for myself but have not been able to go because of having to go to birthdays, working late etc... Husband just doesn't want to go so he makes excuses. Yes, I have been tested for STD's and have come back negative every time.

Yesterday, at work, I found myself flirting with a co worker. This is 100% completely not me. Being in a committed relationship I would never do this. Yesterday I found myself doing it. I was embarrassed and felt the need to tell my husband about the conversation, but I didn't. I just thought about it. When I got off work I went to the house and just hung out there for a little while. (its being repaired so we cant live there). I kept getting texts, "what are you doing" "why are you still there?" " when are you going to the house" I finally had enough and said I don't want to be at the house I would leave shortly since I apparently wan't sapose to be there. I drank a beer and left the house. I remembered I had to go to the Store to return something. I texted my husband, I'm stopping by the store to return this and I'll be at the house. He says ok, I just got off Ill go to the house. I said Ok. Then he calls me. What are you doing. I'm walking out of the store right now headed that way. He said you couldn't wait on me? I said I just ran in real quick, if you wanted to go with me you would have said so instead of telling me you where going to go home... We went back and forth about this stupid thing... 

He asked why I was acting like I was. I explained I'm still having trouble trying to figure out how you can tell me you called this 800 sex for 18 months but tell me that it was because you cant talk to me about trying new things, but 5 years ago when you where calling this number our sex life was great. And I guess I still don't understand why you where texting another women you still love her and want to run away with her and all this other with the craigslist adds. I said I'm tired of you playing me for a fool and feeding me crap. (I had more colorful language). He said here we are with this again, really. I said and that's another problem I have, You want to talk to me about changing jobs and ask me 100 times what I think and want to talk about it, but when I wanna talk about something you don't wanna hear it. He yelled something and then hung up on me. 

I got to the house and he came up to me and said are we gonna keep doing this, I said I will continue with this until you tell me the truth. He explained he loved me and he was sorry he hung up on me and proceeded to talk to me about his day at work then started talking about changing jobs again. I actively listened, made eye contact and participated in his conversation. He stopped talking and we sat quietly, I thought to myself, not once did he ask me about my day. So , I said, well my day was fun. And told him about my day. He sat with his head in his hands and I just stopped in the middle of it, didn't finish the story. He asked if we could eat dinner yet because he was hungry and then he went on and on again about his boss, I actively listened again. Nothing else was said. We ate and I went to bed. 

The more I see, the more I talk, the more I realize this isn't for ma anymore. The comments about me liking black because I have previously dated black men over 6 years ago. The comments he makes about about wanting to be debt free and have a boat and be able to spend more time but wants to talk about the job that would give him the time off. For instance he works about 55 hrs a week, but he also has two days off. On his days off he finds other stuff to do. On my days off I help family work on the house. IF he does come help he finds reasons to leave. My priorities are different than his. I hate living with other people. He doesn't mind apparently because he doesn't have to worry about anything. Little things I used to deal with I absolutely can't stand. Like having to take a shower with him. I can't take a shower alone because then I'm wasting time I could be spending with him. But, what I'm actually doing is freezing while he bathes and then I have to hurry because he huffs and puffs "didn't you just wash your hair the other day". So I just get out and go with out washing my hair mostly to get away then I have to wait because he only grabs one towel and he dries off first. So I wait, freezing again, to dry off with a wet towel. 

His birthday is coming up. Wanted to know what I was going to do for him. I said I didn't know yet. We found a concert to go too. First thing he said " you wanna ask my dad and them if they wanna go" well, no, I was hoping that we could spend the weekend together and maybe get back to us. Then a little while later he says, You wanna take the kids with us? What part of I wanted to spend the weekend with you did you not catch? " ok, baby I was just asking" . Last Friday night we go to dinner with his dad, I get dressed up hair fixed, took sometime to look nice (I took a shower alone, got scolded for not waiting, again). We go to dinner, we get ready to leave, he says is there anything you wanna do, not really. I don't have to work tomorrow so I you wanna go do something we can Im ok. He says well I have to work tomorrow. Its 830 by now. I said oh, ok. Well we need dog food. So we go to get dog food he buys milk and get back in the car. He starts to drive home, I say where we going, home, I said oh ok. He said why was there something you wanted to do? I said nothing in particular but you bought milk so we have to go to the house. We get there and he gets out. I said are we really just coming home after I got all dressed up? He said what do you want to do, I said I don't care spend time with my husband I don't care what we do. So we drove around for 15 minutes then came back because he started yawning I told him I was tired when I wasn't. I went to bed. What an amazing night. 

I almost forgot, last week of so, I was off and working on the house, He was also off work. We didn't talk much the night before. So I got up and went to the house, I let him sleep in. He texted me at 930 and asked why I left, I told I was letting him sleep in. He asked me if I wanted him to come over and help with the house, I told him after his comment he made " I don't wanna put effort in the house if your just gonna leave me when it's done" I said I'm not asking for your help on the house anymore. Then he started on me about divorce and all other sorts of things. He said he was going to take $400.00 and file for divorce because he had talked to a lawyer already and on and on and said it was what I wanted and he was going to make me happy and I would be better off, said he wished he would have made it 3 years. I just stopped responding. I was busy. Then he shows up 4 hours later like nothing happened and he never said any of that. It just amazes me. 

I know that my posts are long and maybe stupid, but this helps me realize that this is not something I need anymore. It helps me to write and go back and read. I don't expect any replies, but I'm always open to opinions.


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## Stormguy2018

Your husband is an abusive cheater. For your sake, please see an attorney and begin divorce proceedings - NOW!


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## 3Xnocharm

That whole shower thing is one of the stupidest things I have ever heard, you are a goddam GROWN WOMAN and you are more than entitled to take an effing shower by yourself! And wash your hair if you want to wash your hair! WHY do you let him control you like that?? You are NOT HAPPY, and every interaction you describe between you makes me feel dread, so I cant even imagine how it must be to live with. Let him take the $400 and go file for divorce, you deserve a happy life, and you are NEVER GOING TO GET THAT here with him.


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## jlg07

You husband is a controlling adolescent -- he is NOT emotionally adult, he tries to make you do what he wants (shower), ignores YOUR feelings because it's all "ME ME ME".

HE needs to grow up, and you need to get less co-dependant. 

VERY sorry you are going through this -- stop worrying about what he is doing, get YOUR life together (finances, health/exercise, etc.) and make sure that if you decide to D, you will have your plan in place and be ok (maybe talk to a lawyer to find out information about what you would face...)


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## notmyjamie

98nightrider said:


> * 6-28-19 *
> 
> To answer the questions about the counselling, I have made appoints for myself but have not been able to go because of having to go to birthdays, working late etc... Husband just doesn't want to go so he makes excuses. Yes, I have been tested for STD's and have come back negative every time.
> 
> Yesterday, at work, I found myself flirting with a co worker. This is 100% completely not me. Being in a committed relationship I would never do this. Yesterday I found myself doing it. I was embarrassed and felt the need to tell my husband about the conversation, but I didn't. I just thought about it. When I got off work I went to the house and just hung out there for a little while. (its being repaired so we cant live there). I kept getting texts, "what are you doing" "why are you still there?" " when are you going to the house" I finally had enough and said I don't want to be at the house I would leave shortly since I apparently wan't sapose to be there. I drank a beer and left the house. I remembered I had to go to the Store to return something. I texted my husband, I'm stopping by the store to return this and I'll be at the house. He says ok, I just got off Ill go to the house. I said Ok. Then he calls me. What are you doing. I'm walking out of the store right now headed that way. He said you couldn't wait on me? I said I just ran in real quick, if you wanted to go with me you would have said so instead of telling me you where going to go home... We went back and forth about this stupid thing...
> 
> He asked why I was acting like I was. I explained I'm still having trouble trying to figure out how you can tell me you called this 800 sex for 18 months but tell me that it was because you cant talk to me about trying new things, but 5 years ago when you where calling this number our sex life was great. And I guess I still don't understand why you where texting another women you still love her and want to run away with her and all this other with the craigslist adds. I said I'm tired of you playing me for a fool and feeding me crap. (I had more colorful language). He said here we are with this again, really. I said and that's another problem I have, You want to talk to me about changing jobs and ask me 100 times what I think and want to talk about it, but when I wanna talk about something you don't wanna hear it. He yelled something and then hung up on me.
> 
> I got to the house and he came up to me and said are we gonna keep doing this, I said I will continue with this until you tell me the truth. He explained he loved me and he was sorry he hung up on me and proceeded to talk to me about his day at work then started talking about changing jobs again. I actively listened, made eye contact and participated in his conversation. He stopped talking and we sat quietly, I thought to myself, not once did he ask me about my day. So , I said, well my day was fun. And told him about my day. He sat with his head in his hands and I just stopped in the middle of it, didn't finish the story. He asked if we could eat dinner yet because he was hungry and then he went on and on again about his boss, I actively listened again. Nothing else was said. We ate and I went to bed.
> 
> The more I see, the more I talk, the more I realize this isn't for ma anymore. The comments about me liking black because I have previously dated black men over 6 years ago. The comments he makes about about wanting to be debt free and have a boat and be able to spend more time but wants to talk about the job that would give him the time off. For instance he works about 55 hrs a week, but he also has two days off. On his days off he finds other stuff to do. On my days off I help family work on the house. IF he does come help he finds reasons to leave. My priorities are different than his. I hate living with other people. He doesn't mind apparently because he doesn't have to worry about anything. Little things I used to deal with I absolutely can't stand. Like having to take a shower with him. I can't take a shower alone because then I'm wasting time I could be spending with him. But, what I'm actually doing is freezing while he bathes and then I have to hurry because he huffs and puffs "didn't you just wash your hair the other day". So I just get out and go with out washing my hair mostly to get away then I have to wait because he only grabs one towel and he dries off first. So I wait, freezing again, to dry off with a wet towel.
> 
> His birthday is coming up. Wanted to know what I was going to do for him. I said I didn't know yet. We found a concert to go too. First thing he said " you wanna ask my dad and them if they wanna go" well, no, I was hoping that we could spend the weekend together and maybe get back to us. Then a little while later he says, You wanna take the kids with us? What part of I wanted to spend the weekend with you did you not catch? " ok, baby I was just asking" . Last Friday night we go to dinner with his dad, I get dressed up hair fixed, took sometime to look nice (I took a shower alone, got scolded for not waiting, again). We go to dinner, we get ready to leave, he says is there anything you wanna do, not really. I don't have to work tomorrow so I you wanna go do something we can Im ok. He says well I have to work tomorrow. Its 830 by now. I said oh, ok. Well we need dog food. So we go to get dog food he buys milk and get back in the car. He starts to drive home, I say where we going, home, I said oh ok. He said why was there something you wanted to do? I said nothing in particular but you bought milk so we have to go to the house. We get there and he gets out. I said are we really just coming home after I got all dressed up? He said what do you want to do, I said I don't care spend time with my husband I don't care what we do. So we drove around for 15 minutes then came back because he started yawning I told him I was tired when I wasn't. I went to bed. What an amazing night.
> 
> I almost forgot, last week of so, I was off and working on the house, He was also off work. We didn't talk much the night before. So I got up and went to the house, I let him sleep in. He texted me at 930 and asked why I left, I told I was letting him sleep in. He asked me if I wanted him to come over and help with the house, I told him after his comment he made " I don't wanna put effort in the house if your just gonna leave me when it's done" I said I'm not asking for your help on the house anymore. Then he started on me about divorce and all other sorts of things. He said he was going to take $400.00 and file for divorce because he had talked to a lawyer already and on and on and said it was what I wanted and he was going to make me happy and I would be better off, said he wished he would have made it 3 years. I just stopped responding. I was busy. Then he shows up 4 hours later like nothing happened and he never said any of that. It just amazes me.
> 
> I know that my posts are long and maybe stupid, but this helps me realize that this is not something I need anymore. It helps me to write and go back and read. I don't expect any replies, but I'm always open to opinions.



This made me very sad for you. Honestly, he has you convinced you aren't worth anything better than the **** he doles out. You can't shower alone???? Seriously??? WTF is that!?!?!? And when you do you aren't allowed to wash your hair? Do you hear what you're saying here...this is NOT normal behavior at all. 

And his discussions of calling a divorce lawyer are bogus...he wants you to fear him leaving so you'll get back in line. He's realizing you're pulling away so he's going to do anything he can to bring you back under his dysfunctional thumb. 

I can't stress this enough...you need to call a divorce lawyer yourself. If you can't make that step than you need to go to counseling. No more excuses. Skip the ****ing birthday party and go..YOU ARE WORTH IT.


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## 98nightrider

6-30-19

After a random conversation with a sister in law about some issues, she asked me something weird. She asked if I ever thought my husband was bi curious or gay, she explained to me that a couple of his exs had found emails pertaining to him putting up craigslist adds for when he used to travel for work about meeting a Male while he was there. It struck a memory of a time when I was taking night classes and during this time I found an email of a conversation and them going back and forth about size and peeing on each other. I asked him about it, and he said he was just messing with people on craigslist, we got in an argument. And the more I think, the more I realize he does pay attention to men, and how they look and he makes homophobic comments. There is nothing saying the 900 number he has called so much is to talk to a woman... we haven't really spoke much the past two days... i haven't mentioned this to him, but does anyone have any thoughts about this?


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## Diana7

You chose to marry a liar and a cheater knowing that he was a liar and a cheater. Why are you in anyway surprised?


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## Prodigal

My thoughts are your husband's possible bisexuality or homosexuality don't mean squat. It shouldn't mean squat to you either. Who cares which way he swings a bat? Your husband is an abusive a-hole, and that should be all you need to know. 

It would behoove you to ponder on why you've put up with his crap this long. To hell with his issues. He owns them, not you.


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## Mr.Married

He must need a wheelbarrow to carry around all that BS. Your situation is very clear to everyone reading what you have wrote. We all hope it becomes clear to you soon.


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## arbitrator

*Quit wasting your time and give him the air!

His reasons do not have your best interests at heart!*


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## Wolfman1968

98nightrider said:


> 6-30-19
> 
> After a random conversation with a sister in law about some issues, she asked me something weird. She asked if I ever thought my husband was bi curious or gay, she explained to me that a couple of his exs had found emails pertaining to him putting up craigslist adds for when he used to travel for work about meeting a Male while he was there. It struck a memory of a time when I was taking night classes and during this time I found an email of a conversation and them going back and forth about size and peeing on each other. I asked him about it, and he said he was just messing with people on craigslist, we got in an argument. And the more I think, the more I realize he does pay attention to men, and how they look and he makes homophobic comments. There is nothing saying the 900 number he has called so much is to talk to a woman... we haven't really spoke much the past two days... i haven't mentioned this to him, but does anyone have any thoughts about this?



I know some women who ended up divorced because their husbands had secret gay affairs. Their husbands did use Craigslist to find their hook-ups. 

Outside of "I love my husband dearly", what is keeping you in this relationship? It seems like your life would improve immensely if you were rid of him.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Sweetie, 

You've used words that appear to show you don't believe you have much to offer in a good relationship and that you're not a great catch to some lucky guy, if you choose to have another relationship, and none of these things are true. 

Your posts also show you're a great person, with love, compassion, a super heart for caring for others in your life. 

Sadly on one hand but "freeing" on the other - the bad behavior and consistency of this bad behavior by H tells you it's best and way better to separate from this person, cut this "user" out of your life. 

See a lawyer, tell him to move out.

He will never change and you've more than tried to help him, but please, please save yourself. It will not get better, only worse. 

Please believe you'll start to feel better about everything once you start the process, and the sooner you start the quicker you'll start to heal, and believe all those here saying the same thing.

You truly sound like a wonderful person in a bad spot. As you make a change you'll be much, much happier. 

You have a lot of great qualities and if you choose to look for another guy, when you're ready, you'll find there are men who are loving, honest, and compassionate that will treat you well. No lying, cheating, etc.

You can do it!


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## Laurentium

98nightrider said:


> He said he has a problem, i get that, he says he wants help. I tell him we will go to marriage counseling. He says he doesn't need anyone to tell him how to run his marriage.


"Run his marriage"? That's about all I need to hear.


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## 98nightrider

I appreciate everyone's opinions. I have slowly become more and more disconnected emotionally from him. I'm working on getting myself back together slowly and trying to convince myself this isn't what I need anymore. I'm too tired to him. My fear is being able to financially support myself without him even though I pay the house bills. His paychecks are more for his Bill's and extra money for the house. 

I searched for the people he was texting, they look a lot like his ex he has a kid with. This is disturbing because I always notice he tells the ex everything about our life, even when she tells him nothing about hers that I know of. She reminded him that when he changed jobs he needs to still pay his child support. Why does she need to know he is changing jobs? She doesn't need to know what we do everyday and yet he seems to tell her and also allows her to run me over and disrespect me. 

I'm on such an emotional rollercoaster right now. I'm soul searching constantly hoping that I can find the courage to do what I need to do.


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## 98nightrider

I, unfortunately, am still here. The last few days have been very rough for me. Monday I find an email in my husbands phone from someone that said "have wife?" And it was from an email somehow attached to strip chat. I asked about it, he said it was spam that I get it too and if I think he's doing something because of that email then I am in the wrong also because of spam email I get too.

Yesterday, it seems his ex called him because their child spent $350 in xbox charges and he told her he would split it if he found out that my son was the one that talked him into it. He proceeded to be ****ty with my son and he spent 30 minutes on the phone with the ex. This started an arguement. 

Also, yesterday marked 6 years for us. The only happy Anniversary I got was when I told him and he said it back. This is not normal, I usually at least get a card or he will tell me a bunch of times, or he will put a post on fb... none of this happened


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## Mr.Married

You are your own worst enemy. What are you waiting for?


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## 3Xnocharm

The strip chat email does sound like spam, honestly. But its irrelevant. You need to get out of this marriage. How much more of your life are you willing to waste on this man??


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## 98nightrider

So last night my husband asked me one too many times what he did now, why was I not talking to him. I said you haven't said anything either and I'm tired of making conversation with you. He said well I'm busy at work, well so am I. I told it him it aggravated me about the financial differences we have and he like always comes up with an excuse. But our conversation turned into an argument when he made a smart comment and got loud with me. He was being super ****ty and I said you know what my problem has been? 2 days ago was our 6 year anniversary and I didn't get a happy Anniversary. Well I didn't either, you just told me one... i said well you didnt tell me at all. He said yes i did when you told me, I said did you tell me any other time than that? No, you didnt because if I dont start the conversation you dont speak. He said well I've bee busy with my new job, I said oh yea? Ive been busy with work, college, and putting the house back together... "oh like I dont help?" No! You dont! "Well I dont know how to do that stuff" well you don't try so that's why you dont know.. Its crap I've stayed here while you treat me like you do and I cant get a 50 cent happy Anniversary card from the dollar store... and he said "if you dont wanna be with me then why are you?" I. Absolutely. Lost. It. I threw down what was in my hands and I said "say that **** again, ask me one more time why I'm still here or why do I stay and I swear to God I will leave and you will never see me again!" He told me I needed to get out of his face. I walked away and we didn't speak and still havent spoke since last night. God I was so mad! I just wanted to scream!


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## 3Xnocharm

As someone else asked... what are you waiting for??


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## Prodigal

98nightrider said:


> I threw down what was in my hands and I said "say that **** again, ask me one more time why I'm still here or why do I stay and I swear to God I will leave and you will never see me again!"


All of us here also have the same question. Do you have the answer?


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## 98nightrider

My boys and I packed our things and left. I told my husband i needed a few days to get things together because all the arguing with finances and his cheating and the Anniversary thing was too much for me and I needed a break. He told me if I left then we would be getting a divorce. Why cant I just have a few days where I can get my mental state together... he said he wasn't going to be without his wife and if I left that was it... I told him he didn't respect me and if that's how he seen I really didn't know what to tell him.. he accused me of all kinds of things, from Wanting to go back to my ex to wanting to be able for me to get back at him... none of these things are true.. we packed our things... we left... we all cried, even my boys... he's the only dad they know... we will be ok... the pain is only temporary... he gave me back his ring and gave me anything that would him of me... I haven't talked to him since.... he had no remorse... did not try to talk, just helped me... it hurts so bad... I love that man so much it hurts... I hope I've made the right decision...


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## She'sStillGotIt

98nightrider said:


> I searched for the people he was texting, they look a lot like his ex he has a kid with. This is disturbing because I always notice he tells the ex everything about our life, even when she tells him nothing about hers that I know of. She reminded him that when he changed jobs he needs to still pay his child support. Why does she need to know he is changing jobs? She doesn't need to know what we do everyday and yet he seems to tell her and also allows her to run me over and disrespect me.


I guess you just want to continue rearranging those deck chairs on the Titanic.


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## She'sStillGotIt

> ...why I'm still here or why do I stay and I swear to God I will leave and you will never see me again!"


Look at you, making threats you won't even stand behind.


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## Andy1001

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Look at you, making threats you won't even stand behind.


I think you missed her last post.


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## 3Xnocharm

Good for you. Stay gone. Don’t fall for any manipulation. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Openminded

He's been manipulating you for years. You serve a purpose (finances?) so I seriously doubt he wants a divorce. He will likely promise whatever it takes to get you back. Just remember that temporary change is easy but few are willing to put in the time, energy and effort that permanent change requires. I seriously doubt he's one who's willing to do that. 

Don't. Go. Back.


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## CraigBesuden

Good riddance to bad rubbish.


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## aquarius1

Please stay away. Don’t go back. Some of the things you have posted about his volatility and his need for control worry me. 
I’m sure that you love him, but he is destroying your soul. He has you so confused you can’t even shower alone!
All this crazy will become clearer the longer you are away from it.


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