# It's like having a child!



## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

My husband is 8 years my senior. I believed that if I married an older and more educated man, he would be mature and sensible.

Sometimes, it feels like he is my child. I have to point out very basic things to him all the time and it gets on my nerves.  He is also too laid back and I have to take over certain things if I want them done.

For example, he is scheduled for his vasectomy on January 20th. There is a phone consult before the procedure. Guess who did all the calling and scheduling? Based on what my husband told me, he is happy to get the snip done, so his lack of initiative is not because Hubby doesn't want the surgery. 

I was very ill with stomach flu a while ago. I threw up on the bathroom mat, because I could not make it to the toilet. My husband handled the mess, by PUTTING THE NASTY MAT IN A PLASTIC BAG AND HIDING IT IN THE CLOSET.  Hello? Common sense would tell any normal adult, that the mat needed to be washed or thrown away. Who on earth would keep a mat with vomit all over it??? Der! Not even my THREE YEAR OLD NIECE would do something so stupid. 

We do not have a fax machine and I need to fax my transcript to my college. I am currently battling the flu, so it is best that I stay home and rest. Normally, I would have no issue with going to a store and faxing the document myself. Last night, I politely asked my husband if he would take the transcript to work and fax it for me. He agreed and then LEFT THE PIECE OF PAPER HERE.  His excuse? He did not have the fax number. I told my husband that there is a new device called "the telephone." An highly educated engineer could not figure out that I could call him with the fax number??? 

This is a ranting vent, but you are welcome to comment.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Age does not promise maturity...lol. 

My husband is 7 years my junior and he's more mature than the older men i dated.

I'm happy you vented. Do you feel better? Hope you are getting over your flu.


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## Twistedheart (May 17, 2010)

FirstYearDown said:


> For example, he is scheduled for his vasectomy on January 20th. There is a phone consult before the procedure. Guess who did all the calling and scheduling? Based on what my husband told me, he is happy to get the snip done, so his lack of initiative is not because Hubby doesn't want the surgery.


He may say one thing, to please you, but is probably thinking another. I was scared sh*tless when I had my vasectomy done, but I didn't tell my wife how scared I was. I knew it was much much easier for me to get that done then the alternative for her. 

But you know what? She actually made all the appointments for me. Not because I didn't feel like doing or refused or whatever, but because she appreciated what I was doing, for the both of us, and took the initiative. It looks to me, just at a glance and not making any permanent judgements, that there may be some appreciation issues going on here. Lack of respect on both sides as well. Just my 2cents.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

I only feel better when I take the Nyquil or Dayquil. I haven't had my dose yet today and I feel like shizzit.  

Yes, the venting made me feel better, thank you my dear.

Hubby came home from work grabbed the piece of paper and gave me a hug. He apologized. My husband is aware that only feeble minded adults or children have someone else make calls about health for them. I pointed out that I always look for my own professionals when it comes to my health. I am not the one that wears glasses or wants a vasectomy, yet I am the one who contacts those kind of offices because my husband is too lazy to look after himself. He is an adult!

The registrar was expecting to see the paper in the fax machine as soon as she started work today. I hope that she won't think I am unreliable.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Twistedheart said:


> He may say one thing, to please you, but is probably thinking another. I was scared sh*tless when I had my vasectomy done, but I didn't tell my wife how scared I was. I knew it was much much easier for me to get that done then the alternative for her.
> 
> But you know what? She actually made all the appointments for me. Not because I didn't feel like doing or refused or whatever, but because she appreciated what I was doing, for the both of us, and took the initiative. It looks to me, just at a glance and not making any permanent judgements, that there may be some appreciation issues going on here. Lack of respect on both sides as well. Just my 2cents.


Did it ever occur to you _that my husband volunteered to get the vasectomy? _He is not going under the knife to please me. My husband is getting a vasectomy because he does not want children and he is very happy that he found a wife that feels the same way. We talk about everything, and Hubby confided that the thought of a knife around his junk is SCARY. However, he is doing this for _himself _as well as both of us.

No doctor will give a tubal ligation to a woman under 30 with no children and it is much harder for females to recover from a tubal, than it is for a man to recover from a vasectomy. I would gladly opt for permanent birth control, if the medical system did not decide such things for me. After all, I cannot be on the pill forever and other methods cause health problems for me. 

In order to show appreciation for a surgery_ he wanted in the first place_, I have to be his personal secretary? Just trying to understand. My husband does not do the same for me, nor would I expect him to.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

My wife handles a lot of this stuff for me. Why? She works twelve hours a week in a job that is really a hobby for her. She does spend a good number of hours away from her job preparing her lesson plans. My work averages from fifty to sixty hours a week in phases. I am very happy with this arrangement as my main goal was for her to be mentally engaged in what she enjoys doing. She needs this. But I do expect her to help me out where she can. So she helps out in other ways like making appointments.

Now the other stuff ... idunno.

That said, hopefully your feelings are just temporary to this end. If you really feel your husband is like a child, that is going to impact your respect fopr him in a negative way and this can cause futher problems.

I think you should give him credit for doing the vasectomy. This is a big deal for a man and is in no way a chidish effort on his part.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

My hubs ran to the doc office to get snipped :rofl: It was a good day. It's been almost 3 years since that day and we've been like teenagers ever since


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## wemogirl (May 31, 2011)

FirstYearDown said:


> My husband is 8 years my senior. I believed that if I married an older and more educated man, he would be mature and sensible.
> 
> Sometimes, it feels like he is my child. I have to point out very basic things to him all the time and it gets on my nerves.  He is also too laid back and I have to take over certain things if I want them done.
> 
> ...


I have one of those too! And I have similar problems to what you are describing. You are not alone and very often I feel like I have 5 kids instead of 4.

It wouldn't bother me quite so much if I didn't hear about how he's always on top of stuff at work and for the extra-curricular stuff that is important to him. But when it's something I've asked him to do that he's agreed to do it rarely gets done unless I ask repeatedly or I do it myself.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Angel5112 said:


> My husband wanted to get his vasectomy b/c he didn't want any more children and where I am at they won't allow a women under 25, with less the 3 children, get a tubal ligation. I had to ask him and remind him repeatedly to not only look for a doctor, but to call and schedule the appointment. Same thing goes for reminding the kids to do homework when I work on the weekends, scheduling our MC appointments, planning holidays, I could go on but really anything that requires planning at all, he sucks at. My memory is just better than his, I am more responsible, plus I am a planner. It's not that he expects it, I just do it. I need that structure, he doesn't. I do get irritated though when I will send him to the grocery store for one thing and he gets so distracted by the other stuff that he will come back with several things, not one of those things being what he was sent to the store for in the first place! Boys...I mean men!


:iagree: My husband is the same way. I have learned that if I leave anything to do with planning up to him, it will not get done.

Wemogirl, when we ask repeatedly we are nags. It is never because our "boys" are irresponsible.

I love the guy, but he drives me up the friggin' wall sometimes. I'm sure that I do the same as well, but at least I try to improve on whatever I am not so good at. 

I have some gynecological issues that require close attention. Why on earth would I expect _my husband _to call our GP and the gyno?? :rofl:


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

FirstYearDown said:


> :iagree: My husband is the same way. I have learned that if I leave anything to do with planning up to him, it will not get done.
> 
> Wemogirl, when we ask repeatedly we are nags. It is never because our "boys" are irresponsible.
> 
> I love the guy, but he drives me up the friggin' wall sometimes. I'm sure that I do the same as well, but at least I try to improve on whatever I am not so good at.


Interesting. I have similar issues with getting distracted, and have tried to fix it to no avail. I suspect my wife does not think I am doing anything about it either. Then again, I don't see a lot of effort to fix her issues either. 



> I have some gynecological issues that require close attention. Why on earth would I expect _my husband _to call our GP and the gyno?? :rofl:


So why make the appointment for him? He wants to do it, he is an adult, and you are not his mother.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

When a person views something as "nagging" or doesn't make appointments, phone calls, etc, it's because they don't want to do it.

I never feel nagged when I truly want to do something.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

I am the planner and scheduler in our relationship as well. I view it as my strengths supporting his weaknesses. This is something that will not change, and I regard it as my contribution to the marriage. My husband is appreciative of my efforts, and I do not regard it as being his mother.

If you start to resent this and feel he is not pulling his weight, tell him exactly what you need him to do.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

The best way to get a person to do things or own up to what they COULD be doing themselves, is to no longer do it for them. Doesn't matter if it doesn't get done, a phone called made, and appointment set etc, thats on them. Its how people learn to take some responsibility for themselves.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

ask yourself this, and answer honestly, are there things that you do that likely annoy the crap out of him?

i dwelled alot on what my wife does that just drives me up the wall, then one day i decided to stop worrying about them, and i am much calmer for it. i also realized that i wasnt near perfect and did alot of stuff that drove her nuts. best to focus on the good.


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## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

Might he write a thread . . . "It's like having another mother!"?

Who's acting like the parent/child first.

He started it.
No, I didn't she did!
He did
No, She did

I'm TELLING!


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

jayde said:


> Might he write a thread . . . "It's like having another mother!"?
> 
> Who's acting like the parent/child first.
> 
> ...


thats a great point. i could write that thread. i do often remind my wife that i am not her 4th child. i dont require her help on the stuff the OP is talking about, i am on top of that stuff but she will try and talk down to me like one of the kids. i have torn into her over that before


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

jayde said:


> Might he write a thread . . . "It's like having another mother!"?
> 
> Who's acting like the parent/child first.
> 
> ...


No, because my husband does not enjoy forums.

I clearly do not enjoy this aspect of our marriage. Hubby doesn't care, because he has continued to be this way despite the numerous discussions about this. It is easy to be calm when there is a new issue that needs to be hashed out, but if I have to keep repeating myself, I will NOT be speaking politely the 6th or 7th time. 

Good thing we aren't having kids-I don't have much patience, not even with myself.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

okeydokie said:


> ask yourself this, and answer honestly, are there things that you do that likely annoy the crap out of him? See post #10.
> 
> i dwelled alot on what my wife does that just drives me up the wall, then one day i decided to stop worrying about them, and i am much calmer for it. i also realized that i wasnt near perfect and did alot of stuff that drove her nuts. best to focus on the good.


To be fair, this is not something which I think about often. We rarely argue.


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## Hubby01 (Jul 5, 2011)

I think there's a big difference between doing something differently and acting like a child.

Whilst the mat and the fax seem a little childish there are definitely days where I do something "grown up" only to have it dismissed as childish. If I don't do XY or Z the way she does it, I'm dismissed as being incapable, because a 3 year old can manage that......

No doubt if I turned the tables on my wife a lot of her tantrums are as childish as a 4 year old.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Jamison said:


> The best way to get a person to do things or own up to what they COULD be doing themselves, is to no longer do it for them. Doesn't matter if it doesn't get done, a phone called made, and appointment set etc, thats on them. Its how people learn to take some responsibility for themselves.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:
If you want this to stop, stop enabling it.


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