# I swear, I can't win. Advice needed.



## Wut2Do (Oct 17, 2010)

So I've just had literally nearly a day long fight with my wife. Just constant bickering and arguing with each other. I truly feel if this continues, we're headed straight for a divorce.

So, from what I can figure out is this all started when I said that I'm so happy that my 2nd to last Semester in university is over in about 2 weeks. A LOT to still be done school wise, but will be great to have my schedule open up once done. Her first words to me were, well I want you to give me some days off, etc. to which I said, that's fine but don't forget I have that business trip for 4 days a few days after school leaves. She flips out. Says I don't care to spend time with our son. That I always make excuses to be busy, oh and that I'm not even excited to spend time with him. 

I'm sitting there thinking, how in the F!#$ did this just happen. Why does she feel that I need to jump up and down whenever I should spend time with him? I just don't get it. She acts that I only care about my computer and spend way too much time on it, well I'm sorry that I'm a friggin' Comp Sci major and the business that I RUN while in school so she doesn't have to work and take care of our son, is a computer related business as well. I'm so mentally exhausted from neither of us seeing eye-to-eye that I don't see this working until I'm done at the end of this year. I don't know what it'll take, but this is just getting me depressed.

Any advice?


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

Can you think of what the truths are that she spoke?
If you can be honest with yourself and figure them out you can then validate her feelings. That can go a long way in healing the riff.

She doesn't expect you to jump up and down...but make sure you are not heaving a great sigh, rolling your eyes, complaining, putting it off, etc. There are little signs we give off when we are not present and not desiring to be in the situation we are in.

That is just one little example to get you thinking.

You might also ask her if she has an interest she would like to pursue. Maybe she can take up a class at the local community center once a week or join a mothers group. Maybe even a part time job. She may feel trapped or she just may want a little break or maybe she is feeling very isolated and lonely.

With all the busyness that is your life right now do you dedicate a certain amount of time each week to your wife alone? I mean without gadgets or outside distractions?

Try to think of this as a partnership in creating happiness. Keeping the idea of "I'm right and they are wrong" out of it can really help, even though it is hard.

Good luck. Going to school with a family is HAAAAARD! It is a balancing act for sure.


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## Niceguy13 (Apr 7, 2011)

Five love languages by chapman sounds like she is needing quality time and you aren't giving it. You are an acts of service person you work so she doesn't haveto you are going to school to makemore so she doesn't have to youprovide food shelter etc and for you that means youlvoe ehr. From the sounds of it she wants you to sit down and talk with her.

Try taking just an hour every day and dedicating it to her. Sure you miht lost a little money or something but I think you will see a drastic change in her. 

She straight out told you needed some time and your reply was don't forgot I have this. That is what started the fight. You should of just said I have this on these days so how do these days sound to you. You completley invalidated ehr feeling sbecause you did not give her affirmation that you heard her request. Your last paragraph also shows a lot of resentment torwards her that she isn't working. You are choosing to do all the work so she can stay at home with the kid.

Sorry if any of that is rough or abrasive to you but you asked for advice and thats all I got for you with what you gave.


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## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

Fighting isnt so bad IMO, its actually a pretty good excuse to get alot of crap off your chests. I dont fight with my wife, as much as I use to, which is bad, because I feel weve lost alot of passion in our marriage as well, but when we did, we would always threaten each other w/ divorce, we'd feel like crap for a while, but then the make up time was so nice, it was almost worth getting in the argument in the 1st placeLOL. Darn I miss those days


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I'm going to tell you that she is right, and you are wrong in this argument.

You cannot put your work and school ahead of your wife and child. Don't assume that since you are financially providing for her that you are meeting all of her needs. You have to emotinoally connect with her. And yes, you should show enthusiasm in taking care of your child. What your wife sees is you showing enthusaism about work / school, and showing lack of enthusiasm about her / child. You have to fix this.


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## Ser Pounce-A-Lot (Apr 7, 2011)

Hicks said:


> I'm going to tell you that she is right, and you are wrong in this argument.
> 
> You cannot put your work and school ahead of your wife and child. Don't assume that since you are financially providing for her that you are meeting all of her needs. You have to emotinoally connect with her. And yes, you should show enthusiasm in taking care of your child. What your wife sees is you showing enthusaism about work / school, and showing lack of enthusiasm about her / child. You have to fix this.


I agree completely with Hicks. 

I feel that most people have a *need* to be right. That is all that matters. Well, from experience I can tell you that you can either be a) right or b) happily married. You can't be both. If you are so invested in being right (even if from an outsider's perspective you are technically 'right') then that is inherently an adversarial position. Paradoxically, if you are invested in understanding your spouse's needs and concerns (regardless of whether you are right or not) she will be more understanding of your needs and concerns and be open to viewing things from your perspective

My 2 cents


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## Wut2Do (Oct 17, 2010)

Hicks said:


> I'm going to tell you that she is right, and you are wrong in this argument.
> 
> You cannot put your work and school ahead of your wife and child. Don't assume that since you are financially providing for her that you are meeting all of her needs. You have to emotinoally connect with her. And yes, you should show enthusiasm in taking care of your child. What your wife sees is you showing enthusaism about work / school, and showing lack of enthusiasm about her / child. You have to fix this.


well, I'd agree with you on this to an extent. I realize that it's technically not fair to her that I spend so much time working/doing school work, but let me just say, when we're done with all of this in another 6-7 months, the reason we got to where we were was because of that dedication that I had for us. I realize that she's dedicated herself to taking care of our son, but come on. When the going get's tough, the tough get going. I've taken summer school two years in a row, taken literally the absolute max in terms of credit hours so that we can be out of her asap. Worked my butt off in running a business. To me it's like you can't have your cake and eat it to. 

I realize that she wants to see that excitement, but to me it's just not the same level. To me knowing that I can give my family a much better life and future, and REALLY take care of my son means so much to me. To have spent an extremely stressful, complex, and difficult 2 1/2 years on something to see that it's almost done, by god, I will be friggin' excited. I'm literally making her dream life come true with us moving to where she's wanted to live her entire life...

Anyways, I def. understand what you're saying, and I get that psychologically she needs it. I guess I'm still adjusting from her having so little time for us for a year after having our son thru breast feeding, etc. I just need to reconnect with her on a few different levels in order to really re-kindle what we once had.


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## Ser Pounce-A-Lot (Apr 7, 2011)

Wut2Do said:


> well, I'd agree with you on this to an extent. I realize that it's technically not fair to her that I spend so much time working/doing school work, but let me just say, when we're done with all of this in another 6-7 months, the reason we got to where we were was because of that dedication that I had for us. I realize that she's dedicated herself to taking care of our son, but come on. When the going get's tough, the tough get going. I've taken summer school two years in a row, taken literally the absolute max in terms of credit hours so that we can be out of her asap. Worked my butt off in running a business. To me it's like you can't have your cake and eat it to.
> 
> I realize that she wants to see that excitement, but to me it's just not the same level. To me knowing that I can give my family a much better life and future, and REALLY take care of my son means so much to me. To have spent an extremely stressful, complex, and difficult 2 1/2 years on something to see that it's almost done, by god, I will be friggin' excited. I'm literally making her dream life come true with us moving to where she's wanted to live her entire life...
> 
> Anyways, I def. understand what you're saying, and I get that psychologically she needs it. I guess I'm still adjusting from her having so little time for us for a year after having our son thru breast feeding, etc. I just need to reconnect with her on a few different levels in order to really re-kindle what we once had.


I've been in marriage strife and I can definitely understand your feelings & emotions at this point. I was putting other things first as well (work, friends, hobbies, etc) thinking I was being a good husband by providing financially, but I realized, from doing the Marriage Fitness program, that my wife needed to be the top priority in my life otherwise everything else would suffer too. It was like a mental heirarchy : 1) Wife, 2) Friends, 3) Work etc etc, and I needed to internalize that otherwise my marriage was going suffer. When I started putting my wife first and I found that everything else in my life improved too. I was happier, my job was less frustrating, I enjoyed my hobbies more, etc. 

So, that is what worked for me. I hope things get better for you too.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I agree with SPAL. One other thing you should realize. Your wife cares way more the present than the future. In other words, no amount of perceived future "perfection" will make up for unhappiness she is feeling today.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Before saying that its your fault, I'd rather know if this is only a complaint during the school semesters, or is it also a complaint all the time. Its all about perspective. If I spent 30 minutes a day with my wife, for years, she would become furious if it wasn't 35. If I bumped it up to five hours, and work suffered, then she'd be angry because it wasn't five and a half, plus because she could no longer afford the spa treatments. In the end, you have to ask yourself if you are committed, and if you are giving enough time to the relationship. If she's not known for being very demanding, you have to learn to trust her, and seek compromises. Don't shortchange your son for financial security. As an adult, he'll only remember the time spent with you.


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## Duddy (Apr 29, 2011)

I think what most posters are getting at here is what the relationship science has proven defines most healthy marriages: reciprocally, listening for, expressing and meeting core-relationship needs. 

Most people know from John Gottman's now famous marital research project, that the communication pattern you described in your marriage right now, characterized by criticism, defense, counter-criticism and shutting down reliably predicts divorce with close to 100% accuracy. 

To really turn things around, you and your wife need to learn some basic evidence-based relationship saving and maintenance strategies. 

Those criticisms you level at each other are really inside out, upside down and masked core-relationship needs, that are going chronically unexpressed and unmet. In marriage counseling, this is the definition of an unhealthy and failing relationship. Wonderfully, he opposite is also true. 

I'd advise really learning how to hear and meet each others core and secondary relationship needs. I'd start by stopping the criticism and by learning to express and meet the underlying needs reciprocally. You need to get to and correct the dysfunctional "code" beneath your current criticism/defense web-presence. 

Basic relationship maintenance skills are like the skills you need to safely drive a car. You need to practice them at first until you can drive safely and they become automatic. But don't drive without learning first because someone can get hurt. 

One error that many marital counselors and couples working together on their marriage make, is to work with surface or secondary behavioral changes without first or simultaneously working on primary "attachment-based" needs, injuries and emotional repair processes. These are the needs to feel like we come before all other people in our partner's eyes, to feel loved and emotionally safe and secure. 

Please be very gentle with each other and really learn to hear the need to love and be loved deeply under any potential criticism, that I strongly recommend you stop ASAP in your marital communication process. 

Let me know If I can provide any other information to help strengthen your marriage and your family.

Your Online Marriage Coach,
- Duddy.


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## Wut2Do (Oct 17, 2010)

Good advice everyone. During the last 4-5 days, I've done basically what everyone's suggested and the immediate turn-around in my wife's attitude was amazing. Except, however, I'm thinking it's more than just this spending quality time with her and my son, and doing things around the house. Please read what my typical day consists of below and tell me if I'm not seeing something here, or if she's really doesn't understand something:


At the moment, I'm working on trying to finish a project that's worth 10% of an extremely important classes grade, due Thursday. On Monday, and like most days, I woke up at 6am, started working on school/work related items and a few other things, got my lunch ready, spent about an hour with them once they woke up at 8:45am, yes, you read that right, they slept until almost 9. I have class starting at 9:30 and it lasts until 3:30pm with only a break for 35minutes around 1pm for lunch. Come home, have about 4-5 business matters to attend to, let's face it, SOMEONE has to earn an income here. But rather than work on my very important project, I play with our son for about an hour or two. 

She made dinner, no five course meal, pretty simple stuff which I do often even after a full day of class. After dinner, I tell her I can do dishes, she says no, she'll do it. My wife usually gives our son a bath, but I sometimes do it. I've got this really bizarre skin condition from the crap water here that dries my hands out like paper, so that's the reason she does it. While they bathe, I pick up all of his toys, prepare his bedroom for him, so that either she or I can put him to sleep. It can sometimes be a battle getting him to sleep, but usually he falls asleep within 30m - 1hr. 

So I'm sitting there, racking my brain trying to solve this project, and she comes in to our office, saying how she feels like she's doing this alone, how I always act like I'm busy. I respond that I'm in the last week of my semester, when I'm not in school, I have a lot more free time, especially after working hours. Her response, although she was a bit taken back by what I said, "You always try and be busy, even when not in School.". I simply remind her that I've gone now to two full-time summer school sessions so that we can be done with school earlier. And by doing so, I've cut an entire semester out of my schooling. She keeps going on and on, and starts acting like because she had to raise her voice to our son so he'd stop fidgeting around and go to sleep after an hour was a terrible thing, and that she's the only one doing anything (a huge slap in the face if you ask me), and then proceeds to go onto her computer game, World of Warcraft, which I swear I'm about to ban, as she'll sometimes stay up until 1-2am playing it, when she could be getting lots of sleep. I worked for another 30m, as I was completely not in the mood for work or talking, and went to bed.

Now tell me, what do you see wrong with this picture here? I truly feel that she thinks that her life would be easier without me in it. I don't think she even understands or can think of how much work it'll be being a single mother of a 1 1/2 to 2 year old. Having to work all day, put your child in day care, and still have all of the responsibilities at night. It's so insane, I don't even know how to properly vent it. I seriously do anything for her if she asks me to, and time willing, I can do it. I work my absolute hardest during the day. Sometimes if I come home and need like an hour to just sit there, she jumps all over me that she gets no breaks...which is crap, as our son usually takes a mid-day nap anywhere between 2-3 hours typically, and she often naps with him. It's gotten to the point myself where I just would rather be done with this relationship and deal with the consequences than live miserably for the rest of my life. I've told her that I want no more children, as I don't want the added stress of raising another child, as she's brought up the idea of having another one shortly in the future (I'm thinking to myself, are you CRAZY!!!).

So in short, I'm about spent. Sex has completely gone down the crapper. Used to be great. We probably have sex once every 3 weeks. If that. I would like to get both of us into counseling, but she makes up excuses that we won't have a place to put our son during it....the excuses from her are endless. I've tried to introduce her to people to make friends, she doesn't want to make any friends. Is she just bitter and unhappy, and more than likely suffering from depression? I can understand that she may be tired of her daily routine, but come on if your only outlet from it is to play an online computer game, that's pretty sad. Go read a book or something. Get a hobby or two. 

Advice needed.


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## Christina Garabedian (Apr 29, 2011)

Hello,

It sounds like you are a hard working man and trying to do the best for your family. I think more quality time with your wife would definitely help out the situation. I also think you need to say the words "I love you and I appreciate everything that your do. If it wasn't for you I don't know what I would do."

Do you have a babysitter? Can you have a date night without the baby? Can you wine and dine her without mentioning sex. During this date night make her feel like she is the most beautiful women in the room. Take her out to a nice restaurant and get her a special gift, maybe flowers and a poem or card letting her know how important she is.

I think maybe your wife may feel like you have a life other than the family. You are graduating and able to pursue something in life. She is a mother and this is a very important role but sometimes young mothers feel like they loose their identity and are just known as the mother and not the sexy, fun loving girl you used to date.

She also may need to get out of the house occasionally without the child. Doe she have a hobby or something she enjoys doing? Maybe help her pursue this interest and support her in taking a class once a week. Let her take back some sort of identity back.

Believe me if you at least try what I have suggested I think the outcome would be positive. In the beginning it may be a strain on you time wise but it will be worth the happiness in the end.

Be patient and stay positive.


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