# I feel empty....



## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

About 9 months ago my wife told me she kissed a man. I was destroyed. I loved this woman with every breath of my being. I was heart broken after she told me. But little did I know how deep the rabbit hole goes. Turns out she and a coworker had sexual encounters and she was even ready to leave me. She wrote him things that she wanted to do with him that I never heard after 12 years of marriage. She would lie to me saying she would go be with a girlfriend when instead she would go to his place when his wife would not be there. My wife actually removed his wife's image from her coworkers wedding photo and inserted herself into it via photoshop. She even played with fonts of her first name and his last name on the computer. I read in her journal that she wished I would die so she could be free to be with the other man. She basically fell out of love with me and I am still destroyed and though she is willing to do anything to repair the damage, I am still a wreck. I go to work feeling like garbage. I come home feeling like garbage. I see images of her and him at least 3 times every hour. I have nightmares about it. She is trying so hard to repair but I have changed so much that I do not know who I am anymore. I feel like I am too damaged and she should move on. I have seen a shrink and we had counselling as well but they did nothing to repair my heart or make me feel any better. I feel like a shadow of my former self of who I used to be. One shrink told me that because of how much I cared for her, it not only hurts that much worse but it will take 3-5 years for me to fully recover if I ever do. I love my wife but not the same as I once did. I do not know how to explain it. I do not look upon her the same as I once did. I do not adore her as much as I once did. I want to but something stops me. I have had times where I thought I have let it go but the rage builds and builds. I sometimes just want to crawl into a hole and die. I feel like this big walking corpse that basically has me feeling abandoned though she is wanting to make things right. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep. At times I tell her that she should leave me for him if she wanted him so badly. I am so worn out from feeling this way. The real deal is he cut her off. He decided to stay with his wife and I feel like 2nd best. Like I am the "plan B" or the default....if it doesn't work out with the other man, i still have my husband kind of thing. One shrink I saw said he believes I have a stress disorder. I feel like I am in pieces. My wife said she misses the "old me". But she built him. And she also destroyed him. The only reason I am still home is I still love my wife and though not the same as it once was, we have 4 children together and I have a job to do in raising them with as much love as I can muster. Is this normal to feel this way? I feel like my wife is trying to reassemble a broken vase but more and more pieces show up daily. She hates herself for her decisions and what it has caused me to feel.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Your old lady is working on her self, but in the same breath your old lady can be working on keeping you.

so are you really plan B or are you going to suck up the crap she spills?
I mean if she really wants to be with you , then she is going to have to put out even more!!!!

I mean if your plan B then whats that make her? what is she willing to take to keep the statues quo?

Sorry bro, there is a certian degree of submission from my WW that would make me keep her around, I'm wired different then most, but so is Mrs.the-guy.

My point is , push her buttons and make sure she is really up to the task of " doing what ever it take".......

There is a cretian grace to forgive, just like there is a certian submission to recieve that grace!


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

the old you is dying. It sounds like you're resisting it. Let the old you go. Start hard work on yourself as a person to become the man you need to be. 

If you're not already, you need to start weight training. It will help you cope and wool build you up to help you regain self confidence. 

What is your wife doing to earn you back. She must earn you back. If you simply stay she will not respect you or appreciate you and you will learn to resent and eventually hate her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Augusto,

Sorry you are here friend.

Your WW misses the old you?

Tell her she got her wish. That old you is dead. She killed him.

If she wants to save any type of a relationship, she has to work to prove to this new you, wounded and badly hurt by the worst betrayals possible, that she is a partner worthy of having a life with.

You need to really contemplate if this new relationship is something YOU want though. 

And do not stay for the kids if you can't heal.

My maternal grandfather did that and even raised my grandmother's affair child. But it was a bitter and broken relationship for the rest of their years together, as I have come to realize now that I am older.

And the pain of that ordeal has also scarred both my mom and my aunt (the affair child) severely.

Do not rugsweep and accept a crappy marriage just for the sake of children. If you and your W cannot build a new and loving relationship that fulfills you for the rest of your lives, it would be best to move on and D.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Also,

Was POSOM's W ever made aware of the affair?

If he has never been exposed, you will never be 100% sure that he won't come sniffing around your W again. 

He may have told your WW he won't leave his W, but if she is not aware of his scummy actions he could always be emboldened to try to re-seduce your W into the A since he knew how strong her feelings were.


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## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

she will not go back to him.....and his wife knows all about it.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Yup, you're plan B. 

Best thing for you and your kids is to move on from her. I mean she wished you were dead!....that is unreal. The father of her children, and husband of 12 yrs! 

She only wants you because OM dumped her. Well, don't let her have you...tell her to move out for a while, then change the locks and have her served. She had her chance, she chose someone else, now she wants you again because that didn't work out. You are 100% plan B.


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

> My wife actually removed his wife's image from her coworkers wedding photo and inserted herself into it via photoshop. She even played with fonts of her first name and his last name on the computer. I read in her journal that she wished I would die so she could be free to be with the other man. She basically fell out of love with me and I am still destroyed and though she is willing to do anything to repair the damage,


Straight up man, [email protected]#K THIS B#$CH. This female (not a Women) you call a wife is not worth the pain your putting yourself through. Don't settle for her as she is settling for you. Anyone who wishes you dead doesn't deserve respect or the time of day. She cant downplay or make amends for anything she has done or said because it would still be happening if the OM didn't want her. 

As much as the pain hurts you need to amputate her from your life and move on to BIGGER and BETTER things. There are plenty of other women out there who you can do a lot better by. Don't be the safety net for her pathetic a$$.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

I agree that your wife would have dumped you for him if he had been willing, but it's possible that she was caught up in a fantasy and now realizes that she never really loved the other guy, only thought she did, and that it was all just a fantasy with the other guy. It's possible that this caused her to love you even more, to realize what she almost lost.

Of course, it's also possible that whatever went on in your wife's head the first time is still there and that she would leave you for a different guy if the right circumstances arose.

How did you find out about the affair? What does your wife say was the reason for it? Has she said that she would have left you for him? What does she do to prove to you that you are number one, plan A?


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

Will_Kane said:


> I agree that your wife would have dumped you for him if he had been willing, but it's possible that she was caught up in a fantasy and now realizes that she never really loved the other guy, only thought she did, and that it was all just a fantasy with the other guy. It's possible that this caused her to love you even more, to realize what she almost lost.
> 
> Of course, it's also possible that whatever went on in your wife's head the first time is still there and that she would leave you for a different guy if the right circumstances arose.
> 
> How did you find out about the affair? What does your wife say was the reason for it? Has she said that she would have left you for him? What does she do to prove to you that you are number one, plan A?


That's the trouble, we just keep dealing with the fallout and guessing as to what the real motivation was. Maybe they don't really know other than they became infatuated and one of the ways to express that is to smother them with words. Very convenient to call it fantasy though once the truth is out there - "It was all fantasy" my WS said numerous times. That can't be entirely true.


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## Carlchurchill (Jan 23, 2013)

Sorry this has happened, but you do know staying there like a zombie is not a better family environment for the kids vs if you left and became a happy person!

Secondly, you are yet more proof that when a women says she kissed another guy it actually means they slept together!


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Do you have children?

Does she still work with OM?

Have you been checked for STDs? If no- you need to do so ASAP as does your wife.

Is this her first time straying?

Are you guys in counseling?

Yes, it is normal to feel the way you do. Not only was she banging some other dude, lying to you about it, planning to leave you, and wishing you were dead... she only stayed with you because he dumped her. 

Are you sure you want to try to save that marriage? If yes, the you will need significant counseling. Have either of you read any books together on the topic?

Are you sure the affair is over? Some cheaters become very good at hiding things. Also, how do you know that his wife knows? Direct contact with her? Anything less cannot be trusted.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

How did you find out she was having an affair? And what were the conditions that led to her telling you about the kiss? 

Sounds like you need to leave her, man. She has no respect for you. I agree that you're plan B.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

What changes has your wife received because of her actions? Has she told her family about the affair? What have you told her about the changes she must make to stay married to you? She does not respect you to treat you this way. You need to respect yourself. How would she feel if you did this?


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

Please consider getting the excellent book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass, one of the leading experts on infidelity. It explains the trauma and grief that you are experiencing.

Also, you said that you "had" marital counseling. That should be ongoing; maybe not for whole typical 3-5 year reconciliation period, but perhaps for a good chunk of it. (Often, marital counseling starts out weekly but then can taper off to every other week, then once a month). Just make sure the counselor has expertise in infidelity. And you may even need medication, since you're having nightmares - there is medication that specifically targets traumatized people who have nightmares, so you may want to go back to that shrink who mentioned the stress disorder to discuss that.

Make no mistake: you have been traumatized. And you are grieving. Either kind of emotional hit to a person is hard, but betrayed spouses have to contend with both. No wonder you feel like "a shadow of your former self." This is a common reaction.

You have experienced great shock, and you have lost the marriage you thought you had. This is HUGE. No wonder you feel the way you do.

One glimmer of hope is that by telling you a little bit of the truth - even if she didn't tell you the whole ugly truth - your wife did confess SOMETHING to you. That indicates she really did have some guilt about the affair, and instead of keeping it to herself she did TRY to come clean, even if she couldn't bring herself to tell the whole truth (they usually hold back out of some misguided notion that they are "protecting" us). Believe me, finding out ANYTHING about the cheating from your spouse is better than getting NONE of it at all. 

The healing process for this is long and difficult. It's about 6 months since I found out about my husband's affair (I was totally blindsided, and unfortunately he did NOT tell me about it); at first I was half crazed; now I can function much better. But I am not out of the woods; I still think about it every day, my health has suffered, and it's harder for me to relax - I have to do a lot of deep breathing now. I'm very sorry you've found the need to join this "club" but I hope you find the support helpful.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

I know your children are the most important thing to you right now, but don't set a bad example by being a door mat. There needs to be some serious consequnces for her actions. I think if it were me I would file for divorce, but that's just me. I wish you the very best.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Agree. DONT be plan B.

Go full stealth spy mode. bet there is a new OM.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Augusto you are getting your advice here. Follow it. 

And you should also go see two or three lawyers for consults about what your rights are and what you can expect to get out of divorcing her. Find out what your options are. Quit guessing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Your feelings are very tyical. I feel very smilar and severalmohs out I still feel much the same.

You are in shock. 

For me getting a much info as posible of the A heped me. And of course my wife's attitude helps more.

But it s hel* for sure.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

The only reason she is with you is because her lover dumped her. She would be back with him if he wanted to. I wouldn't waste one more second of my life with a person like your wife if I were you.

You hear is broken because you loved her. You say youstill love her. I disagree .You still love the person your wife was. She is gone now. That person changed into someone that would cheat on her loving husband and will only get back with him once her lover dumped her. Imagine this. She told you that she kissed this guy because she wanted you to help her deal with the situation.

Why the hell are you still with your wife ?? Don't waste anymore time on this shell of a person unworthy of being called a significant other. Expose her to her family and separate. File for divorce. Unless she shows you why she should be worth to reconcile, you should move on and remove this cancer from your life.

Was divorce ever discussed?


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Augusto----you need to leave this woman---why you love her---I have no idea---she has "dissed you" at the highest level, how do you continue to love someone like that

THE ONLY REASON, she is doing anything is cuz she doesn't wanna be on her own---so she goes back to you---you are and will always, from now on, be 2nd best---he is the lover in her life, and you better believe he is right up there in her consciousness---I don't care what she is doing to make your mge work---it is only for her own well-being, that she works on the mge

She probably still works with this guy---and the MINUTE he has a falling out/argument with his wife, and wants solace/nurturing---he is gonna crook his finger at your wife----it will be done right there at work---she will go to him so fast, it will make your head swim----AND YOU CAN DO NOTHING TO PREVENT IT

She will always be there for him----as to you, she is only there for her own selfish needs

You will not mend---till you end this farce of a mge, and move on in your own life---much as it hurts now---it will get better in time---WITH HER DELETED FROM YOUR LIFE


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Augusto -

This is your life to lead. She doesn't get to lead your life for you.

You chose to have children and they depend on you, which is only right. The only bottom line for you should be to be the best father you can be. You have no other real imperative, and certainly not for your WW.

It is mind over matter. Be the phoenix who rises from the ashes. Be strong for yourself and your children. Push her to the wayside, get a divorce, and move on to have a great life with your children. Get the forward-focus, positive adrenalin in your blood and start living your life for you and your kids. Life is too short to do otherwise. It goes by fast. Don't waste it.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

There are degrees of betrayal. Your wife's actions would be on the upper end of the severity scale. All affairs are hard to get past, but cases like this are extremely difficult for a BS to come to grips with. It's hard for you to see right now how you could ever be happy with her again. The wishing you were dead - nightmarish. 

But as bad as that is, knowing you are a plan B; that's the worst of all. And there is a good reason I know this.

If you've made the decision to R, and it looks like you have, here are some things that I can suggest to you:

Sit your wife down and tell her that you've had some time to process what she's done. If she wants to stay married to you, she will have to accept the following:

1) This is an "attempt" to R. How this attempt goes, will be very much dependent on how remorseful and loving she is, but even then, you offer no guarantees that you can get past this in the immediate future. You will take things day by day, week by week. 

2) You'll be judging her remorse every day; and that remorse can be demonstrated by her transparency, her affection, her sexual attitude, accountability for her time away from you, her willingness to accept exposure, and her consistent expression of regret for what she's done to you.

3) You will not accept rug sweeping. This includes her unwillingness to answer your questions, to discuss your feelings, and being less than 100% truthful. She must OWN what she did.

If she doesn't agree to this "and" demonstrate all these things after she agrees; you should D and not look back. 

That said, even if she is perfectly remorseful, no one could blame you for coming to the realization that you can't get past this. Whether it be in a week or 3 years. You need to use the following months for some introspection and observation.

You face a hard road ahead. Good luck to you and keep posting.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Dyokemm said:


> Tell her she got her wish. That old you is dead. She killed him.


Well said.


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

Damn, her inner most thoughts scribbled down on paper, "I wish he was dead." That right there all by it's lonesome is walk out time. There is no fixing that comment no matter how hard you work on the marriage. If someone who supposedly loved me, had children and the whole marriage thing, did that. Well let's just say your wish shall be done. I am dead to you now and forever. How do you live with someone like that. Who cares if there is someone else. She wants you dead man, dead. I'm sorry about hammering on that comment. For me I think about those things and the weight attached. You can't say those things and say I was in a fog, I didn't realize this. There is a finality to this statement, a bullet if you will that can't be called back. Example of a nice thing to say. "Please stop smoking, I want you to live." This is what my wife said to me out of love and more. You see what I'm saying brother. I wouldn't waste another broken heartbeat on any of this. Go find happiness man you are worth more than this. Good luck.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Agreed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You have already decided to reconcile. That however, is a distant second to your primary problem.

The first thing you have to do is get the proper counseling. I am surprised your counselor did not do better by you since he pointed out the problem. You need trauma counseling and you needed it a long time ago.

The trauma you have experienced is as bad as war trauma (according to veterans) and a death of a close family member .

You HAVE to find a counselor that is experienced with post traumatic stress syndrome and hopefully infidelity. If you have trouble finding one in your area, see if you can get in touch with the counselors that are dealing with the war vets in your area.

Through ptsd counseling and the meds they are now using for that, you should make a good recovery.

Also, do not discount exercise, especially weight lifting.

Some people, according to NOT JUST FRIENDS, decide not to recover and move on. DO NOT BE ONE OF THOSE. You have four kids that need and love you and they need a healthy dad.

While the things you wife said were cruel, all cheaters basically lose their minds for a while in the land of unicorns and gum drops. I doubt anyone regrets her lunacy more than she does, but get healthy and then figure out what is best for you and your family.

If you can, do not neglect prayer. It works for me.

Chap


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## TimesOfChange (Mar 20, 2013)

Let the old YOU go, stop being and thinking like a victim.

Transform


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

hopefulgirl said:


> Please consider getting the excellent book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass, one of the leading experts on infidelity. It explains the trauma and grief that you are experiencing.
> 
> Also, you said that you "had" marital counseling. That should be ongoing; maybe not for whole typical 3-5 year reconciliation period, but perhaps for a good chunk of it. (Often, marital counseling starts out weekly but then can taper off to every other week, then once a month). Just make sure the counselor has expertise in infidelity. And you may even need medication, since you're having nightmares - there is medication that specifically targets traumatized people who have nightmares, so you may want to go back to that shrink who mentioned the stress disorder to discuss that.
> 
> ...


 
I think this relationship has so much damage that there isn't any book that could help.

She wishes he would have DIED!! Not I wish he would leave or go away to another country. There is nothing that could be so heartless, cruel or mean to wish for her husband to die. She is a despicable ugly human being. How in Gods name can you ever apologize for saying something like that. It's not like calling him a derogatory name, it's wishing for his death. This woman is so completely selfish and thoughtless that it makes me sick to my stomach.

If I was this man, I would spit in her face and throw her worthless ass out in the street and tell her to flat out go fu-- herself and her lover. Get a lawyer and get this trash out of your life forever. The only contact I would have with her would be when the kids visit and you can do that without saying much. Please unload this *****, she's worthless.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

Hello Augusto! I do know how you feel! Exactly! Now you can go the long way about this or take the short route. It's up to you! Now the long route sounds like a lot of fun BUT you end end up at the same place as the short route. I promise!

1. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!
2. You are not broken, your wife is!
3. There are many woman that will be happy to take your wife's spot! REALLY HOT single mothers that would kill to be your new wife.
4. Holding on to the anger and pain is a lot of fun, BUT in the end you will just write her off and start a new life.
5. Your STBXW is just a chapter in the book of your life! She is like an old car that you used to drive. An AMC Hornet, cute but so 70's.
6. The world will keep spinning round, you can sit and cry in your beer and tell everyone that will listen what a bad person she was!( And, she is a POS!) or you can say "Well that was different, I think I will try out women from South Korea or Burma this week.
HINT Burma is the Ship! NOW!
7. One day soon you will be dead, will you look back in the afterlife and say" You know that Dave from Germany was right, I should havekicked the POS to the curb and started a new life!"
8. Just my 2 cents David


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Augusto

Do not settle for being Plan B!

If you have love for your wife and she is truly remorseful then take the proper steps to reconcile.

You both need individual counseling.

Feeling like the walking dead is no good for your family so get the help you need.

And your wife needs good counseling on how to fix the damage that was done.

*It takes two!*

You will only be Plan B if you settle for being Plan B.

And guess what? Your wife got used but you won.

Now you have to decide if you want to keep the prize.

Good Luck

HM


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## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

happyman64 said:


> Augusto
> 
> Do not settle for being Plan B!
> 
> ...


What have I won? Consistent heartache.....feeling like I am always 2nd best to her every time I am around her?


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

So what is your plan? Wallow around in self pity and misery or start acting like a man and take some decisive action?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

OP, if you see consistent heartache as a result of being her booby prize... then cut your losses.

Get checked for STDs.
Do a 180 for yourself.
File for D.

Time for decisive action. I can understand not being able to come back from all of her betrayal, trickle truthing and outright lies.

Also, do the right thing and out him to his wife fully. She deserves to know everything. Perhaps you could post them on Cheaterville and send her the link.


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## FLGator (Mar 26, 2013)

Dude. The girlfriend tactic is used all the time. 

Had she told you she was trying to find herself yet?


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

> My wife said she misses the "old me". But she built him. And she also destroyed him.


She did not build him.

And she can only destroy him if you so choose.

So stand up. Make a decision when you are ready to R or D.

The choice is yours. Not your wifes.

And time is on your side so decide what you want to do when you are ready.

So tell us how your wife is showing you remorse for her horrible decisions...

HM64


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## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

happyman64 said:


> She did not build him.
> 
> And she can only destroy him if you so choose.
> 
> ...



every hour she is texting me messages saying how I am the only one for her and she blames her depression and skewed mind for her choices. She is trying hard but she still knows right from wrong depression or not. She continuously tells me she loves me. Always concerned for my mental state and what she did. Always reminding me how much she cares for me. But see.....she said some of this stuff while she was on her emotional affair with him. How do I know what is not BS?


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Augusto said:


> every hour she is texting me messages saying how I am the only one for her and she blames her depression and skewed mind for her choices. She is trying hard but she still knows right from wrong depression or not. She continuously tells me she loves me. Always concerned for my mental state and what she did. Always reminding me how much she cares for me. But see.....she said some of this stuff while she was on her emotional affair with him. How do I know what is not BS?


You don't. But you can communicate what you wrote above to her.

And tell her you are going to judge her by her actions.

Not her words or texts.

The key is communication. You both need to be brutally honest with each other.

There is no other way.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Why do you hate yourself so much ? Is this the best you can do ?

She said the same words to you..She said the same words to her OM. Now she is saying the same to you again. What is your guarantee that she won't say the same again to another guy ? Or if the OM wants her back. You are not special. You are one another guy in her life.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

1. Cheaters stay in a relationship/marriage only if there are not enough suitable outside options.

2. To be honest in a relationship you need empathy. Cheaters don't have it. Empathy is not something that suddenly grows inside of you when a divine light shines upon you.

3. Happiness is a cheating spouse on the rearview mirror. A cheater is not a decent person's time and effort. Why do you want to stay with her? Why is she such a catch? Why is your worth so low?

4. File for divorce. Start IC asap with a therapist experienced in infidelity related matters.

5. Protect yourself financially.

6. You have enough self-esteem not to tolerate cheating. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.

7. You deserve better and you can get better. You deserve to live free, free from the fear of being cheated on and free from a life of constant fear.

8. Your children need a role model, someone who will teach them acceptable behavior and boundaries. If you forgive and accept your WS's behavior, you will set up very bad examples for your children, and this will lead to further heartaches. 

9. You are responsible for your happiness. Never in future tie your own happiness with someone or something. It will lead to pain and sufferings. Happiness has to come from within.

10. Embrace the light, knowledge, and freedom. It will get better if you want to get it better.


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

> But see.....she said some of this stuff while she was on her emotional affair with him. How do I know what is not BS?


She cant get option A (OM), now she has to back pedal to keep option B (You), So she has and will continue continue to say anything/everything to bait you back in.

Her wishing you were dead is currently not a viable option for her because she needs her security blanket and you'll just have to do for now.


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## stevehowefan (Apr 3, 2013)

Sounds like her mental problems may well become a real-time problem for you. She goes from wishing you were dead to trying to kill you. I hope not, but it's a scenario to consider.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Augusto said:


> ...She continuously tells me blah blah blah, blah blah blah, blah blah blah.... But see.....she said some of this stuff while she was on her emotional affair with him.* How do I know what is not BS?*


Easy...consider all of it bullchit


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

Augusto said:


> About 9 months ago my wife told me she kissed a man. I was destroyed. I loved this woman with every breath of my being. I was heart broken after she told me. But little did I know how deep the rabbit hole goes. Turns out she and a coworker had sexual encounters and she was even ready to leave me. She wrote him things that she wanted to do with him that I never heard after 12 years of marriage. She would lie to me saying she would go be with a girlfriend when instead she would go to his place when his wife would not be there. My wife actually removed his wife's image from her coworkers wedding photo and inserted herself into it via photoshop. She even played with fonts of her first name and his last name on the computer. I read in her journal that she wished I would die so she could be free to be with the other man. She basically fell out of love with me and I am still destroyed and though she is willing to do anything to repair the damage, I am still a wreck. I go to work feeling like garbage. I come home feeling like garbage. I see images of her and him at least 3 times every hour. I have nightmares about it. She is trying so hard to repair but I have changed so much that I do not know who I am anymore. I feel like I am too damaged and she should move on. I have seen a shrink and we had counselling as well but they did nothing to repair my heart or make me feel any better. I feel like a shadow of my former self of who I used to be. One shrink told me that because of how much I cared for her, it not only hurts that much worse but it will take 3-5 years for me to fully recover if I ever do. I love my wife but not the same as I once did. I do not know how to explain it. I do not look upon her the same as I once did. I do not adore her as much as I once did. I want to but something stops me. I have had times where I thought I have let it go but the rage builds and builds. I sometimes just want to crawl into a hole and die. I feel like this big walking corpse that basically has me feeling abandoned though she is wanting to make things right. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep. At times I tell her that she should leave me for him if she wanted him so badly. I am so worn out from feeling this way. The real deal is he cut her off. He decided to stay with his wife and I feel like 2nd best. Like I am the "plan B" or the default....if it doesn't work out with the other man, i still have my husband kind of thing. One shrink I saw said he believes I have a stress disorder. I feel like I am in pieces. My wife said she misses the "old me". But she built him. And she also destroyed him. The only reason I am still home is I still love my wife and though not the same as it once was, we have 4 children together and I have a job to do in raising them with as much love as I can muster. Is this normal to feel this way? I feel like my wife is trying to reassemble a broken vase but more and more pieces show up daily. She hates herself for her decisions and what it has caused me to feel.


Augustine:
Your wife sounds like a horrible individual, even when compared to other WW portrayed on C W I. Love is a choice. You should not choose to love a person like this. I don't care how many children you have with her. In fact are you sure you want her around your children? She would never wish her children were dead, would she?
I hope they never become a drag on her romantic goals with other men. Divorce her


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Dyokemm said:


> Your WW misses the old you?
> 
> Tell her she got her wish. That old you is dead. She killed him.


This sounds like an exit affair where the OM fell through.

She told you she kissed him to start cutting the moorings.

If she is remorseful this can be saved.

How do you get over feeling like plan B?

You live for the rest of you marriage knowing (and letting her know) that if she crosses any of your boundaries you will walk away in a heartbeat.

Your staying with her is a gift.

But I don't think you are at that point (Willing to walk away if needed)


You will never be the same and you will never look at her the same, make sure she knows and accepts that before you attempt R

She has a lot to lose, she seems to realize that now, but does she really love you?

That is the question, if she does the R will probably work, if not it will become clear especially if she cheats again.

Here is your biggest question (IMO), if the OM becomes available say a year or two out and contacts her, what will she do?

It can be discussed but if you R you will just have to take that chance, she may convince you over time that is committed to your marriage now and is a one man woman, its her character that is the question here.

Time will tell, she owes you that!

Take care!


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## BrockLanders (Jul 23, 2012)

She didn't just step out of the marriage, she wished death upon you! Whatever you saw in your wife must have gotten in the way of seeing the diseased narcissist in her core.


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## Alyosha (Feb 27, 2012)

A journal entry where she wished you were dead so that she could be with the other man.

Reconciliation or no, that is a bell that can never be un-rung.

I never found such a smoking gun but I feel certain that my wife wished the same about me. I think that it is not at all uncommon because a high percentage of cheaters are narcissists and this scenario -- your "untimely" demise -- really is the ideal solution to the mind of a narcissist. Not only do they avoid being exposed as the faithless scum they are, they get loads of sympathy as the suffering widow (not to mention a lot of new insurance money to start their new and improved life with their soul mate).

Perfect.

I struggled for the longest time with accepting the simple fact that my wife did not love or respect me. I didn't want to wrap my mind around it because it was just too painful. Wasted time -- because that really was the unavoidable truth. The sooner you can accept it, the better off you will be.

Never make someone a priority who considers you an option but if you do choose to try R, WATCH WHAT SHE DOES NOT WHAT SHE SAYS.

I can't stress this enough.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

You'll never heal from this. Sorry but I don't know many who would be able to survive knowing that their spouse or SO wished they had died to be with their AP.

GL to you, IMO divorce her and start the healing process. If she's willing to bust her behind to try and win you back, so be it. But you will never heal with her next to you.

There are some things that can be forgiven, but there are other things that just can't.


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## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

I am trying but every time I see her I see this other man with her. Sometimes I just want to die to see if that would make her happy or sad. And then only then would I ever really know. I'd like to think she would be sad but I do not know. I mean in my mind it would make sense for her be sad. She tells me she regrets it all. She tells me she truly loves me. She tells me she made the mistake of her life. It has been year. I still feel like a piece of garbage. One that was worth gambling away. During intimacy, I see him with her and have to quit. I want this to go away. She seems to be more healed than I am. Is she covering it up? I do not know. She became quite good at that last year.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Augusto said:


> I am trying but every time I see her I see this other man with her. *Sometimes I just want to die to see if that would make her happy or sad. *And then only then would I ever really know. I'd like to think she would be sad but I do not know. I mean in my mind it would make sense for her be sad. She tells me she regrets it all. She tells me she truly loves me. She tells me she made the mistake of her life. It has been year. I still feel like a piece of garbage. One that was worth gambling away. During intimacy, I see him with her and have to quit. I want this to go away.* She seems to be more healed than I am. Is she covering it up? I do not know. She became quite good at that last year.*



First of all, you dont need to die to see whether she's happy or not. Get a divorce. Wait a few years. Then ask her if she's happy.


Secondly, what does she have to heal from? She had/has an affair. The memory of the affair is deeply seared into her mind. These are not bad memories for her. Whenever she wants, she can bring the memories up and enjoy them.

She had no real consequences from you for her affair. Why should she be remorseful? There's absolutely no need on her part. She gets her affair and she gets you to continually support her now. What did she really lose? Nothing. In fact, she had a net gain of erotic memories of her lover to remember.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Augusto said:


> I am trying but every time I see her I see this other man with her. Sometimes I just want to die to see if that would make her happy or sad. And then only then would I ever really know. I'd like to think she would be sad but I do not know. I mean in my mind it would make sense for her be sad. She tells me she regrets it all. She tells me she truly loves me. She tells me she made the mistake of her life. It has been year. I still feel like a piece of garbage. One that was worth gambling away. During intimacy, I see him with her and have to quit. I want this to go away. She seems to be more healed than I am. Is she covering it up? I do not know. She became quite good at that last year.



Why are you reliant on her for your happiness ? You deserve to be happy too. 

You cannot trust her. How do you plan to be remain married to her ?


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## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

Augusto you have a nick-name of the most famous Roman Imperor that ROME ever hade! What I mean is that you MUST STOP feeling sorry for youself and MAN-UP!
I's not easy and certainly it will become even worst, BUT ARE YOU REALY AIMING TO CRY YOUSELF TO DEATH AND SEE HOW SHE REACTS???
YOU HAVE THE SACRED RIGHT TO BE HAPPY, SO START DOING IT NOW!


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Augusto not sure if Ive seen it on this thread cause I only re-read your responses but weight lifting and a gym membership have been found to be excellent therapy for the betrayed men.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Augusto said:


> I am trying but every time I see her I see this other man with her. Sometimes I just want to die to see if that would make her happy or sad. And then only then would I ever really know. I'd like to think she would be sad but I do not know. I mean in my mind it would make sense for her be sad. She tells me she regrets it all. She tells me she truly loves me. She tells me she made the mistake of her life. It has been year. I still feel like a piece of garbage. One that was worth gambling away. During intimacy, I see him with her and have to quit. I want this to go away. She seems to be more healed than I am. Is she covering it up? I do not know. She became quite good at that last year.


She would probably be sad for a short time, but you will dead forever.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

weightlifter said:


> Augusto not sure if Ive seen it on this thread cause I only re-read your responses but weight lifting and a gym membership have been found to be excellent therapy for the betrayed men.


I turned a room in my house into a gym after my wifes A. I still use it often and use it more on days the A has been on my mind. It's hard to stay focused on an A that's over when you're trying to get that 300lbs up just one more time.


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

Augusto said:


> I read in her journal that she wished I would die so she could be free to be with the other man.


I am a scumbag who cheated on his wife. I never wanted her to die during the affair. 

It was only about sex and my main goal was ensuring that she never find out. 

I am sorry brother, but your wife has a lot of groveling to do. Has she done it yet? If not, find a good marriage oriented counselor and have him talk to her. 

People do wish or say things sometimes that they don't truly mean in the moment. So, you need to have her get to the root of that statement and ensure it was just hormones talking.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Augusto said:


> I am trying but every time I see her I see this other man with her. Sometimes I just want to die to see if that would make her happy or sad. And then only then would I ever really know. I'd like to think she would be sad but I do not know. I mean in my mind it would make sense for her be sad. She tells me she regrets it all. She tells me she truly loves me. She tells me she made the mistake of her life. It has been year. I still feel like a piece of garbage. One that was worth gambling away. During intimacy, I see him with her and have to quit. I want this to go away. She seems to be more healed than I am. Is she covering it up? I do not know. She became quite good at that last year.


Dear Augusto,

It's been nearly a year since you discovered your WW's adultery and you seem to have made no progress recovering from it, despite having received counseling and your WW's apparent remorse. While infidelity is always devastating to the BS, by now, you should be feeling better about yourself and have a much clearer idea of what you want to do (R or D).

The fact that this has not happened is very worrying and should lead you to consider making major changes in your life to try to start healing. What could you do?

1) You could step up your counseling schedule and talk to a psychiatrist about medication that might help you. Be aware, however, that the drugs that are typically prescribed for depression and anxiety have significant side effects, like decreased libido.

2) You could try separating from your WW for a period of time to see if that helps you regain some sense of worth and peace. If you think that this might be helpful, discuss it with an attorney first to make sure that your rights, especially with respect to your children, are protected. You should also explain to your WW why you are doing this and what the ground rules are during your separation (e.g., duration, child care, seeing other people, etc.).

3) You could file for D. This would be the most drastic step you could take and, based on what you've said, I doubt that you would do it. However, IMO, it might actually be the best course of action for several reasons. First, it would give you a new perspective on your life, namely, the possibility of life without the constant drama and pain of being around your WW. Second, it could open up new possibilities in your life with other peoples (given the likelihood of finding another woman without the betrayal baggage, this might help you rebuild your self-esteem). Third, it would put your WW on notice of how much damage her affair wrought and, based on her reaction (begging you not to go through with it vs. quickly accepting the idea) tell you a lot of how she truly feels about you (if she convinced you that she really loves, you could stop the D and renew your attempt at R).

4) You could make some other major change in your life, one that challenges you. For example (don't laugh), you could take up sky-diving or motorcycling. The point is to start doing something really different that requires dedication and courage. Again, the purpose would be to give you an outlet to focus your time and attention on and help you regain your self-esteem.

These are only suggestions for you to consider. What I think is most important is that you start to do something really different rather than continue to live in limbo.

I don't recall you disclosing your age but I gather that you are still fairly young. There is no reason why you should waste the rest of your life wondering what to do and living with pain. This may sound trite but your relative youth is a gift not to be squandered. I am in my mid-60's and, believe me, when you get to this stage of your life, you can't help but begin contemplating the end, regretting the things you wanted to do but didn't and wishing for a second chance.

You have a second chance, if you can find the courage to take it.


P.S.: The desire to want to die to find out if the jilting lover really cares for you is fairly common (I remember feeling the same way after getting dumped by a girl friend in college). Unfortunately, it's a bad idea. Since you'd be dead, you'd never know how much your demise affected her and whether she really cared or not. So, while it's a great fantasy, it's not a very practical solution. Oddly comforting to ruminate about in your darker moments, though. 

P.P.S.: Now get off your *ss, stop feeling sorry for yourself and do something!


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

I'm in agreement with the suggestions about exercise - it really does help people feel better - and the suggestion about medication is also worth considering, as your healing seems not to be progressing. A LOT of betrayed spouses take medication, at least for awhile, so you would be in good company.

Another thing - does your wife apologize often? My husband apologizes almost daily, and that really helps me. I told him that it helps me a lot, and that he doesn't have to worry about bringing up the subject, because it's probably on my mind anyway. When an apology is done with sincerity and remorse - and he does it that way, not exactly the same way each time - it really helps me to feel better.


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## Want2babettrme (May 17, 2013)

Augusto said:


> About 9 months ago my wife told me she kissed a man. I was destroyed. I loved this woman with every breath of my being. I was heart broken after she told me. But little did I know how deep the rabbit hole goes. Turns out she and a coworker had sexual encounters and she was even ready to leave me. She wrote him things that she wanted to do with him that I never heard after 12 years of marriage. She would lie to me saying she would go be with a girlfriend when instead she would go to his place when his wife would not be there. My wife actually removed his wife's image from her coworkers wedding photo and inserted herself into it via photoshop. She even played with fonts of her first name and his last name on the computer. I read in her journal that she wished I would die so she could be free to be with the other man. She basically fell out of love with me and I am still destroyed and though she is willing to do anything to repair the damage, I am still a wreck. I go to work feeling like garbage. I come home feeling like garbage. I see images of her and him at least 3 times every hour. I have nightmares about it. She is trying so hard to repair but I have changed so much that I do not know who I am anymore. I feel like I am too damaged and she should move on. I have seen a shrink and we had counselling as well but they did nothing to repair my heart or make me feel any better. I feel like a shadow of my former self of who I used to be. One shrink told me that because of how much I cared for her, it not only hurts that much worse but it will take 3-5 years for me to fully recover if I ever do. I love my wife but not the same as I once did. I do not know how to explain it. I do not look upon her the same as I once did. I do not adore her as much as I once did. I want to but something stops me. I have had times where I thought I have let it go but the rage builds and builds. I sometimes just want to crawl into a hole and die. I feel like this big walking corpse that basically has me feeling abandoned though she is wanting to make things right. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep. At times I tell her that she should leave me for him if she wanted him so badly. I am so worn out from feeling this way. The real deal is he cut her off. He decided to stay with his wife and I feel like 2nd best. Like I am the "plan B" or the default....if it doesn't work out with the other man, i still have my husband kind of thing. One shrink I saw said he believes I have a stress disorder. I feel like I am in pieces. My wife said she misses the "old me". But she built him. And she also destroyed him. The only reason I am still home is I still love my wife and though not the same as it once was, we have 4 children together and I have a job to do in raising them with as much love as I can muster. Is this normal to feel this way? I feel like my wife is trying to reassemble a broken vase but more and more pieces show up daily. She hates herself for her decisions and what it has caused me to feel.




Augusto,

I am so sad that you are here under these circumstances. What your wife did to you is inexcusable. I also was told to my face that my wife wished I were dead. My wife said it in anger. It sounds as if your wife was deep into a fantasy of life with he wonderful posom. 

You lost the wife and marriage you thought you had due to her actions. She needs to lose the husband and marriage she had to know the consequences of her actions. I think you should divorce her. 

I get that you love her and don't want to break up your family. She gave her love to another man and broke up your family for you. She must learn her lesson that she gave up her marriage for a fantasy with another man and that by doing so she betrayed you, betrayed her children, betrayed herself, betrayed the other man's wife and damaged two families.

Throw her out of the house and divorce her. If you want to try to build a new relationship then, give her a list of requirements before you start to date. Requirements would be whatever you want, such as: individual counseling for her, marriage counseling, apologies and amends to people she hurt with her affair, timeline of the affair, answering all you questions and helping you understand what she did, and if she ran you down to her family and friends she has to set them straight.

I know a man who had an affair with a co-worker. He ended up separated for two years, with intensive therapy and marital coaching during that period, then publicly apologized in church and to his Sunday school class for betraying his wife and friends.

If she does all this, then she will really know the value of the man she betrayed and that each day with you is a gift she does not deserve.


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## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> Augusto not sure if Ive seen it on this thread cause I only re-read your responses but weight lifting and a gym membership have been found to be excellent therapy for the betrayed men.



This this this. 

YOU MUST improve yourself, and by seeing yourself become a better you, it gives confidence. 

That confidence enables you to make hard choices for a better life. 

That personal confidence is probably the number one problem the betrayed husband has. 

What helped my confidence, and in effect, made this process easier was: 
1. talking to women. It reminds you WW is one drop of water in an ocean.
2. Reconnecting with old friends. They remind you can have close relationships with people besides her.
3. Losing weight, eating right, and lifting weights. This builds discipline, character, and helps improve your physical opinion of yourself. 
4. Focusing on myself. Push out what others need. Focus on your own needs.
5. Going out and socializing. This provides a distraction and lets you mingle. You learn there are a lot of people out there. It sets the stage for new relationships with people you've never met. 
6. Reading no more mr nice guy and married man sex life primer. I think these two books helped by giving a more clinical view of things, rather than emotional.
7. Getting support from family/friends. By opening up to them they will give you their advice, and reassure you. 
8. Tackling challenges. Challenge yourself to do something "manly" you've never done before, and aren't sure you can do. Put in a new floor. Change a water pump on a car. Message an old female friend on facebook. Do this. In my case I closed my business because it wasn't making me happy, and the money wasn't enough anymore. But follow through. Get advice if you have to. Buy a manual. Watch youtube. Whatever it takes, get it done. 

I now very rarely look at something and figure it's beyond me. Unless it's specific and technical, say replacing a motor in a car, I'll do it myself. The most alpha man i've ever met, my brother in law, had this attitude. Develop the kind of confidence that lets you and others put faith in you. This attitude carries over to everything else. 

Why do we climb mountains? Because they are there. 
9. Take care of yourself. Hygene is important. It's easy to forget the basics when you're in pain.
10. I had to brainwash myself by always telling my insecure mind "I can, i'm capable. I'm as good as anyone else." Eventually you start to believe your own hype. 

While it is painful, it can be a source of strength. It can mean learning to stand like an oak and not bending like grass.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

The mistake you made was allowing your wife to define you. Your marriage should enhance your life, not define it.


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## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

All I can do is my best and be the best husband and father I could be. She read on here what some have said I should do. I have no intentions on divorcing but feelings of inadequacy are always there. I do not know why I am worth having if I am not what she wanted. I wonder how long it will take her to realize that and do it all over again. She says my changes will be a life long reminder on what she did. But I wonder if there will be a time to where she will not forgive herself and just give it up and try this again.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

I don't have any advice, I've got something in mind.. but I'll keep it for later. I don't have any advice, but I've a question for you, Augusto.

Do you still love your wife?

Answer that question honestly. Take a break. Stand your ass up from that chair and go have a pee.. Come back. Read it again, ponder it. Stand up, take a glass of wine if need be. Think. Think of what she has done to you. Go outside, have a smoke if you are a smoker, contemplate on what has changed since your first post in this very thread.

Answer that honestly. If not to us anonymous TAM army, then to yourself.

Do you still love her? Does "she wants to work on it" mean anything to you?


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## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

verpin zal said:


> I don't have any advice, I've got something in mind.. but I'll keep it for later. I don't have any advice, but I've a question for you, Augusto.
> 
> Do you still love your wife?
> 
> ...



you have no clue n how much i love this woman. I mean if she did leave I would still love her.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Augusto said:


> you have no clue n how much i love this woman. I mean if she did leave I would still love her.


You can love her and not live with her and find someone else.

Just something to think about.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

The problem is you love her more than yourself. hence the reason she has no respect for you. Your thread reeks of self hatred.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

LostViking said:


> The problem is you love her more than yourself. hence the reason she has no respect for you. Your thread reeks of self hatred.


:iagree::iagree:
:iagree:


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Augusto said:


> All I can do is my best and be the best husband and father I could be. She read on here what some have said I should do. I have no intentions on divorcing but feelings of inadequacy are always there. I do not know why I am worth having if I am not what she wanted. I wonder how long it will take her to realize that and do it all over again. She says my changes will be a life long reminder on what she did. But I wonder if there will be a time to where she will not forgive herself and just give it up and try this again.


By letting her know that you have no intentions of divorcing her you have lost. She will never work hard to regain your love and trust because she knows she has nothing to lose. She lost him but still has you and will NOT lose you. To regain her respect you have to show her that you love her, but you don't need her. You've got her on a pedestal, she doesn't deserve that.


Does anybody have the "So you betrayed your spouse, now what?" posting that, is it Chapparal that posts it?

And Mrs. Augusto, since you're reading this, let me just say that you have done some of the most vile things that I think I've read here on TAM. Actually wishing your husband who loves you more than himself to be dead so you could chase after some man who couldn't give a sh!t about you? You are vile.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

I found it!


The Wayward Spouse Instructions

Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners.

The Sea of Stress is Difficult to Understand.

YOU BETRAYED YOUR PARTNER. NOW COMES THE FALLOUT.

They discovered your adultery. You ended the affair and promised you’ll never cheat again. But the stress from their emotional devastation lingers. And you don’t see much change – at least, not as much positive change as you expected. Many times, any visible changes are for the worse. You observe them bouncing back and forth like a ping-pong ball, moment to moment, from one emotion to the next. They’re unpredictable. There’s no discernable pattern. Their nerves are frayed. They can’t sleep. They can’t eat. Their thoughts are obsessive. Intrusive visions and flashbacks assault them without warning. They cry at the drop of a hat. They feel empty, used up, exhausted. The stress consumes their energy and their life until they feel like there’s nothing left. It’s terrible.

It’s an ordeal for you to witness their tortured, depressed and angry states, and what’s worse; you don’t know what to do. You’re not alone. Unfaithful spouses never dream they’ll get busted, so when confronted with their adultery they’re always caught by surprise; first by their partners’ knowledge, then by their intense agony. Indeed, unfaithful partners never think about what they’ll face “after” until after. The fact is: Though they inflict it, adulterers are unprepared for the onslaught of their spouses’ overwhelming emotional distress. Is this real? Is this permanent?

As you watch them sink lower and lower, wallowing in an emotional abyss, you wonder where the bottom is, when they will hit it, and if they will ever ascend from it and return to “normal.” You ask yourself, “Is this real?” Then you ask, “Will this ever end?”

The simple answers are: Yes, it is real. And, yes, it will end. But recovery takes a long time, often years, and much depends on you. Can you be remorseful, apologetic, loving, patient, empathetic and soothing over an extended period of time? Can you commit to openness and honesty at all times – and forevermore being faithful to your spouse?

Be honest with yourself: If you can’t or don’t want to get over your affair, if you don’t feel shame and remorse, and if you can’t generously provide appropriate support to your spouse, then now is the time to consider ending your marriage and spare your marital partner further pain. (If this is the case, you need not read any further.)

But if you have put the affair permanently behind you, if you feel and can freely express your remorse and shame for your unfaithfulness, and if you can commit to supporting your spouse through their excruciating anguish, then you have an excellent chance of rebuilding from this disaster you’ve wrought to a happy, satisfying, caring and loving marriage. The following is intended to help you help your partner, and in turn yourself, through this horrible time and jumpstart your journey to recovery.

So, take a couple of deep breaths… and let’s start with three foundational facts:

What you’re seeing in your spouse is a normal reaction to a life-changing event.

Your spouse needs to grieve for as long as it takes in order to recover and heal.

You can be a positive influence on their recovery.

Now, go back and reread them several times. Let them really sink in. When you can repeat them without looking, continue.

Your first mission is to learn.

Learning about your partner’s myriad reactions to your betrayal allows you to recognize, understand and properly respond to them as they occur. Doing so will help you get through
this horrible initial stage, which can last a long time.
Below you’ll find a little of what your spouse is probably experiencing. They may shift from one reaction to another, or they could experience multiple reactions concurrently. And don’t be surprised if they return to previous states many times. Where applicable, we’ve added some tips to help you to assist your partner through this. In some cases, however, there may be little for you to do except to simply “be there.”

Most importantly, remember at all times: Your infidelity has traumatized your spouse. Act accordingly.

SECTION 1 - THE WILD PATCHWORK OF EMOTIONS

DISBELIEF: They expect to wake up any minute from this nightmare. It can’t be true. They don’t believe it. This is natural. They trusted you and don’t want to believe you did what you did. It is common for this to occur in the very first moments of discovery. (Note: If some time elapsed between the discovery of your affair and the confrontation, you may have missed this when it happened, but it is also possible for your spouse to return to disbelief.)

SHOCK: They are numb and often seem dazed. Their emotions are frozen. Their senses are dulled. They go through the motions mechanically, robotically, but can’t seem to apply sufficient concentration to their day-to-day lives.

REALITY: “Oh my God. It really happened.” They feel they’re getting worse. Actually, reality has just set in. It’s as if a ton of bricks just fell on them and they’re buried beneath them. They don’t know where to turn, or can’t. Don’t discount the likelihood that they feel shamed by your infidelity. So, they may be reluctant to seek support from friends and family. Be available to them for emotional support and encourage them to talk freely with anyone they choose. Suggest therapy as a means to help them through their trauma, but never accuse them of “being irrational” or “acting crazy.” Be supportive and encouraging. Commend them for seeking help.

CONFUSION: They’re disoriented. They can’t think straight. They become impatient, disorganized and forgetful. More frequently than usual they go to a room to retrieve something, but once they get there they can’t remember what it was. This is very upsetting to them. Bear with them. Be gentle and be helpful. Help them find their misplaced purse or locate their lost keys. Know that they will eventually come out of the fog. Also be aware that their confusion, as with other states listed here, may be set off or magnified by certain “triggers.” (Note: Read more about “triggers” below.)

PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS: They may sleep or eat too little – or too much. They may suffer physical aches and pains, numbness or weakness. They may feel unusually tense and develop headaches, abnormal tics, twitching or shaking. They may feel sick to their stomach and vomit, or their digestive system may react with constipation or diarrhea. Weight loss is common. Usually the symptoms fade gradually. If these symptoms persist, make sure they check with a doctor to rule out other causes. Encourage them to eat well and to exercise – but don’t nag. You might instead take control of their diet by preparing healthy, well balanced meals. If you don’t cook, take them to restaurants where you know they serve nourishing food and, if necessary, order for them. If they’re not exercising, initiate taking long walks together. It’s a good way to ease them into a healthy exercise regimen, which is always a good stress reliever, and will provide opportunity for you to begin constructively re-establishing your “couplehood.”

CRYING: Deep emotions suddenly well up, seeking release as crying, uncontrollable sobbing and even screaming out loud. Allow them their time for tears. They can help. So can you. When they cry, give them your shoulder. Hug them. Help them through it by gently encouraging them, to “get it all out.” Be certain to verbalize your remorse for causing their pain. They need to hear this from you. (Note: Right now, genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit. That is why you’ll see many more references below. Read “Apologize” in Section 2.)

SELF-CONTROL: They control their emotions to fulfill their responsibilities, or to simply rest from the pain. Self-control can shape and give rhythm to their grieving, but be on the lookout for constant and rigid self-control. It can block healing. They need to reduce their emotional pressure to regain equilibrium. Allow them to vent when it happens. Be aware: Too much self-control means they are storing up much anger and will release it powerfully, like floodwaters breaking through a dam. So don’t be alarmed if they suddenly lash out at you, your affair partner, or even themselves. Understand that the release of anger is necessary to heal. Though it may not feel this way to you when it happens, it’s beneficial.

NEED TO KNOW: They will ask lots of questions. Their curiosity may be insatiable or it may be limited. Different people have different needs and tolerances for information, but they need information to process their trauma, move through it, and move past it.

Let them set the agenda. Whenever they ask a question, whatever they ask, answer honestly and sufficiently. Refusing to answer gives the appearance that you’re still keeping them in the dark, that you still have something to hide. Do not hold anything back. If they discover later that you omitted or hid details, or if the facts they discover don’t match the story you tell, they’ll feel betrayed once again. Follow the delivery of each new piece of hurtful information with an apology, and soothe them with another promise that you’ll never again be unfaithful.

WHY: They ask, “Why did you do this?” They may or may not expect an answer, but they ask repeatedly. If they do want an answer, provide it – and answer honestly. Even if the question is rhetorical, be aware that the question itself, rhetorical or not, is a cry of pain. And each time they feel pain, it should be answered with another apology. (I can’t stress enough how important this is.) Be aware: Even if they are not verbalizing this to you, they are still silently asking the question “Why?” over and over and over again.

INJUSTICE: They feel it’s all so unfair. You invited danger, you took the risk, but they suffered injury. They want justice and begin to think like a vigilante. They may harbour a secret desire to do harm to you or your affair partner. They may want to get even by having a “revenge affair.”
Understand that the aftermath of your unfaithfulness is an agony you have thrust upon them. Meanwhile, despite your betrayal and deceit, and the shame you feel, you and your affair partner may retain fond or even loving memories of your affair. One of my patients described her feelings of injustice this way: “I feel like a rape victim watching helplessly as the jury returns a ‘not guilty’ verdict. Then, the assailant looks at me, points his finger at me and laughs all the way out of the courtroom. How can this possibly happen?”

A sad truth of infidelity is: It is unfair. Of course, there is no “justice” that can come from this. Betrayed spouses generally settle into this realization on their own, but they need to know that you understand how this plagues them. (Note: Read “Share your feelings of guilt and shame” in Section 2. It explains the best way to help them through their sense of injustice.)

INADEQUACY: Their self esteem is shattered. They feel belittled, insignificant, and often even unlovable. Just as you would crumple a piece of scrap paper and toss it in the garbage without a second thought, they feel you crushed them, discarded them, and didn’t give them a second thought, either. So, they question their own value. They wonder if you truly love them – or if anyone could. They need to know why you now choose them over your affair partner, even if they don’t ask. Make your case convincingly. Be generous, but be genuine. They’ll know if you aren’t, and false flattery for the purpose of mere appeasement will only hurt them more.

REPEATING: Over and over again, they review the story, thinking the same thoughts. Do not attempt to stop them. Repeating helps them to absorb and process the painful reality. You can help them get through it by answering all their questions truthfully and filling in all the gaps for them. The more they know – the more they can repeat the complete story – the faster they process it, accept it and begin to heal. If the story remains incomplete or significant gaps are filled in later, they may have to start the process all over again.

IDEALIZING: Sometimes they remember only good memories, as if their time with you was perfect. They long to live in the past, before the affair came along and “messed it up.” Assure them that you, too, remember the good times, and want things to be good again. Remind them that you want an even better future, that you are willing to work at it, and, most importantly, that you want your future with them – and not your affair partner.

FRUSTRATION: Their past fulfillments are gone. They haven’t found new ones yet and don’t seem interested in finding any. They feel they’re not coping with grief “right” or they feel they should be healing faster. They don’t understand why the pain returns again and again. They wonder if they will ever recover and feel better. You can help them by verbalizing what they need to hear even if you don’t or can’t fully understand it yourself. Be empathetic and assure them that under the circumstances they’re doing okay. Remember that despite how much you have hurt them, you are still the one they chose as their life partner, for better or for worse. You may still be their closest confidante. As incongruous as it may seem, don’t be surprised if they choose to confide in you over others.

BITTERNESS: Feelings of resentment and hatred toward you and your paramour are to be expected. Don’t be surprised if they redirect much of the anger that’s really meant for you toward your paramour. This is natural. It’s actually a way of protecting their love for you during the early stages. By restricting their anger toward you, they allow it to be time-released, and only in smaller, more manageable amounts. Expect their anger to surface periodically, and give them plenty of time to work through it so they can eventually let go of it. Understand that until they’ve worked through and exhausted their anger, they cannot heal.

WAITING: The initial struggle is waning, but their zest for life has not returned. They are in limbo, they are exhausted and uncertain. Indeed, life seems flat and uninteresting. They are unenthused about socializing, perhaps reluctant, and they are unable to plan activities for themselves. Help them by finding ways to stimulate them. Plan activities for them around things that hold their interest and bring joy back into their life.

EMOTIONS IN CONFLICT: This is one of the most difficult manifestations because there is so much going on at the same time and their feelings do not always synchronize with reality. The most succinct description was provided by the late Shirley Glass, PhD: “One of the ironies of healing from infidelity is that the perpetrator must become the healer. This means that betrayed partners are vulnerable because the person they are most likely to turn to in times of trouble is precisely the source of their danger.” The inherent conflict for a betrayed spouse is obvious, but Dr. Glass also recognized how difficult this balancing act can be for a repentant adulterer: “On the other hand, [unfaithful] partners sometimes find it hard to stay engaged with their spouses when they know they are the source of such intense pain.” The key, of course, is to stay engaged nonetheless. Be supportive and remorseful, and above all… keep talking.

TRIGGERS: Particular dates, places, items and activities can bring back their pain as intensely as ever. It feels like they’re caught in a loop as they relive the trauma. It is emotionally debilitating.

Triggers can cause days and nights of depression, renew anger, and can spark and reignite nightmares, which may make them fear sleeping. Triggers can cause them to question if they will ever again experience life without the anguish. Get rid of all the reminders immediately: Gifts, letters, pictures, cards, emails, clothing… whatever your spouse associates with your affair. Do this with your spouse so they are not left wondering when those triggers may recur. Never cling to anything that bothers your partner. It leaves the impression that your keepsakes and mementos, or any reminders of your affair, are more important to you than they are.

Attend to your partner. Learn what dates, songs, places, etc., are triggers for your partner. Pay attention to your environment: If you hear or see something that you think might be a trigger, assume it is. Each occasion a trigger arises is an appropriate moment for you to communicate a clear and heartfelt message that you’re sorry you acted so selfishly and caused this recurring pain. So again, apologize and let them know how much you love them. The occurrence of a trigger is also a good opportunity to express that you choose them and not your affair partner, which is important for them to hear. If a trigger occurs in public, you can still wrap your arm around your spouse’s waist or shoulder, or simply squeeze their hand, but verbalize your apology as soon as you are alone again.

It is very important for you to understand and remember this… Triggers can remain active for their entire life. Don’t ever think or insist that enough time has passed that they should be “over it” because another sad truth of infidelity is: Your affair will remain a permanent memory for them, subject to involuntary recall at any time – even decades later. They will NEVER be “over it.” They simply learn to deal with it better as they heal, as you earn back their trust, and as you rebuild your relationship – over time.

SECTION 2 - WHAT ELSE CAN YOU DO TO EASE THEIR PAIN & RELIEVE THEIR STRESS?

Make certain you’ve killed the beast: Your affair must be over, in all respects, completely and forever. You cannot put your marriage in jeopardy ever again. Your spouse has given you a second chance that you probably don’t deserve. That may sound harsh, but think about it this way: Despite any marital problems the two of you experienced, you would certainly understand if they divorced you solely because of your adultery. So assume there will not be a third chance and behave accordingly.

This opportunity you have been bestowed is a monumental gift, particularly considering the anguish you caused them. Treat this gift, and your spouse, with care and due respect: No contact means NO CONTACT OF ANY KIND – EVER.

GET INTO THERAPY: Most attempts to heal and rebuild after infidelity will fail without the assistance of a qualified therapist. Make certain you both feel comfortable with the therapist. You must trust them and have faith in their methodology. Talk about it: If of you are uncomfortable with your therapist at any time, don’t delay – find another. And if need be, yet another. Then stick with it. Save particularly volatile topics for counselling sessions. Your therapist will provide a neutral place and safe means to discuss these subjects constructively. Every so often, think back to where you were two or three months earlier. Compare that to where you are now and determine if you’re making progress. Progress will be made slowly, not daily or even weekly, so do not perform daily or weekly evaluations. Make the comparative periods long enough to allow a “moderate-term” review rather than “short-term.” Expect setbacks or even restarts, and again… stick with it.

APOLOGIZE: Actually, that should read: “Apologize, apologize, apologize.” You cannot apologize too often, but you can apologize improperly. Apologize genuinely and fully. Betrayed spouses develop a finely calibrated “insincerity radar.” A partial or disingenuous apology will feel meaningless, condescending or even insulting, particularly during the months following discovery. Your spouse will feel better if you don’t merely say, “I’m sorry.” To a betrayed spouse that sounds and feels empty. Try to continue and complete the apology by saying everything that’s now salient to your partner: “I’m ashamed I cheated on you and I’m so very sorry. I know that my lying and deceiving you has hurt you enormously. I deeply want to earn back your trust – and I want so much for you to be able, some day, to forgive me.” As noted earlier, right now genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit.

REALIZE YOUR PARTNER WANTS TO FEEL BETTER: There is so much they have to deal with – pain, anger, disappointment, confusion and despair. Their being, their world, is swirling in a black hole of negative feelings. It’s agonizing. They wish it would stop, but they feel powerless to make it go away, which worries them even more. Remember that they can’t help it: Just as they didn’t choose for this to happen, they don’t choose to feel this way. Beyond all the possible feelings described in the section above (and that list may be incomplete in your spouse’s case), even if they don’t understand them, they do recognize that changes are occurring in themselves – and they are frightened by them. As terrible as it is for you to see their ongoing nightmare, it is far worse to live in it. Periodically assure them that you know they will get better, that you are willing to do everything necessary for them to heal and to make your marriage work. Reassure them that you are with them for the duration – no matter how long it takes – and that you intend to spend the rest of your life with them.

HIDE NOTHING, OPEN EVERYTHING: While they’re greatly angered and hurt that you were emotionally and/or sexually involved with another person, they are even more devastated by your secret life, your lies and deception. They feel no trust in you right now – and they’re 100% justified. If ever there was someone in the world they felt they could trust, it was you – until now. Now, they have difficulty believing anything you say. They are driven to check up on everything. Let them. Better still, help them. Overload them with access. The era of “covering your tracks” must end and be supplanted by total and voluntary transparency.

You must dismantle and remove every vestige of secrecy. Offer your spouse the passwords to your email accounts – yes, even the secret one they still don’t know about. Let them bring in the mail. If you receive a letter, card or email from your paramour, let your spouse open it. If you receive a voice or text message on your cell phone, let them retrieve it and delete it. If your friends provided alibis for you, end those friendships. Do not change your phone bill to a less detailed version or delete your browser history. Provide your spouse with your credit card bills, bank account statements, cell phone bills and anything else you think they might wish to check. Immediately tell them if you hear from or accidentally run into your affair partner. Tell them where you are going, when you’ll be home, and be on time. If your plans change, notify them immediately.

The more willing you are to be transparent, the more honesty and openness they see and feel, the more “trust chits” you’ll earn. Replacing your previously secret life with complete openness is the fastest and most effective way to promote trust, even if it feels unfair or uncomfortable. Think of this as the “reverse image” of your affair: Your affair was about you selfishly making yourself feel good. Now, rebuilding trust is about selflessly making your partner feel safe with you – and you were certainly unfair to them. Keep in mind that eventually they will trust you again, but you must earn it and it will take time.

SPEND LOTS TIME WITH THEM: Assume that they want your company at all times. The more time you spend in their sight, the more they will feel a sense of safety, if only for that time. There may be times when you feel they’re a constant, perhaps even an annoying presence. Just remember that they need to be around you – more than ever. If they need time alone, they’ll let you know and you must respect that, too. Knowing where you are and who you are with reduces worry, but expect them to check up on you. Don’t take offence when this happens. Instead, welcome the opportunity: Think of each time – and each success – as receiving a check mark in the “Passed the Test” column. The more check marks you earn, the closer you are to being trusted again.

PHYSICAL CONTACT: They may or may not want to be sexual with you. If not, allow sufficient time for them to get comfortable with the idea of renewed intimacy and let them set the pace. But if so, don’t be discouraged if the sex is not optimum. They’re likely to be low on confidence and may feel self-conscious or inept. They may even act clumsily. This can be offset by lots of simple, soothing physical gestures such as hugging them, stroking them softly and providing kisses. You might try surprising them sexually. Try something new. Choose moments when they don’t expect it – it can feel fresh again. On the other hand, don’t be surprised if their sexual appetite and arousal is unusually heightened as some partners experience what’s called ‘Hysterical Bonding.’ Also be aware that during lovemaking they may suffer intrusive thoughts or mental images of you and your affair partner, so they may suddenly shut down or even burst into tears. Again, apologize for making them feel this way. Express that you choose them – and not your affair partner. Reassure them by emphasizing that they are the only one you truly want.

SHARE YOUR FEELINGS OF GUILT AND SHAME: If you exhibit no shame or guilt for hurting them, they’ll wonder if you’re truly capable of being sensitive, caring or even feeling. They may see you as callous and self-absorbed, and question if it’s really worth another try with you. But if you’re like most people who have badly hurt someone you truly love, then you certainly feel shame and guilt, though verbalizing it may be hard for you. Of course, some people do find it difficult to express these feelings, but try. You’ll find it provides a great sense of relief to share this with your partner. Moreover, do not fail to realize is how vitally important it is for your partner to hear it, to feel it, to see it in your eyes. It’s a building block in the reconstruction of trust and the repair of your marriage. Do not underestimate the power of satisfying their need to know that you are disappointed in yourself. Your opening up about this will help them feel secure again, help them to heal, and help you heal, too.

LET THEM KNOW YOU ARE HAPPY WITH YOUR CHOICE TO RECOMMIT: You probably think this is obvious, but to your betrayed partner, precious little is obvious anymore. They will wonder about this. Do not make them guess, and do not make them ask. Just tell them. If it doesn’t seem to come naturally at first, it may help if every now and then, you ask yourself, “If they had betrayed me this way, would I still be here?” (Most of us would answer, “No,” even if we can’t imagine being in that position.) When people give second chances to others, they really want to know that it’s meaningful to, and appreciated by, the recipient. So, express your thanks. Tell them how grateful you are for the opportunity to repair the damage you’ve done and rebuild your marriage. You’ll be surprised how much this simple, heartfelt act of gratitude will mean to them, and how it helps to re-establish the bond between you.

HERE’S A GREAT TIP: You will find it’s particularly meaningful to them when they’re obviously feeling low, but they’re locked in silence and aren’t expressing it to you. Just imagine… In their moments of unspoken loneliness or despair, you walk up to them, hug them and say, “I just want you to know how grateful I am that you’re giving me a second chance. Thank you so much. I love you more than ever for this. I’ve been feeling so ashamed of what I did and how much pain I caused you. I want you to know that I’ll never do anything to hurt you like this – ever again. I know I broke your heart and it torments me. I want you to know your heart is safe with me again.”

These are beautifully comforting words, particularly when they’re delivered at such a perfect
moment. You can memorize the quote, modify it, or use your own words, whatever is most
comfortable for you. The key is to include, in no particular order, all six of these components:

A statement of gratitude.

An expression of your love.

An acknowledgment of your spouse’s pain.

An admission that you caused their pain.

An expression of your sense of shame.

A promise that it will never happen again

Unfaithful spouses I’ve counselled often report that this most welcome surprise is the best thing they did to lift their partner’s spirits – as well as their own.

SECTION 3 - SO WHAT ARE THE NEXT STAGES, AFTER THEY WORK THROUGH ALL THEIR GRIEF, PAIN AND STRESS?

HOPE: They believe they will get better. They still have good days and bad days, but the good days out balance the bad. Sometimes they can work effectively, enjoy activities and really care
for others.

COMMITMENT: They know they have a choice. Life won’t be the same, but they decide to actively begin building a new life.

SEEKING: They take initiative, renewing their involvement with former friends and activities. They
begin exploring new involvements.

PEACE: They feel able to accept the affair and its repercussions, and face their own future.

LIFE OPENS UP: Life has value and meaning again. They can enjoy, appreciate, and anticipate events. They are willing to let the rest of their life be all it can be. They can more easily seek and find joy.

FORGIVENESS: While the memory will never leave them, the burden they’ve been carrying from your betrayal is lifted. Given what you have done, the pain it caused them and the anguish they lived through, this is the ultimate gift they can bestow. They give it not only to you, but to themselves. Be grateful for this gift – and cherish it always.

Rejoice in your renewed commitment to spend your lives together in happiness. Celebrate it together regularly! *


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Dear Augusto,

Your first post:



Augusto said:


> About 9 months ago my wife told me she kissed a man. I was destroyed. I loved this woman with every breath of my being. I was heart broken after she told me. But little did I know how deep the rabbit hole goes. Turns out she and a coworker had sexual encounters and *she was even ready to leave me*. She wrote him things that she wanted to do with him that I never heard after 12 years of marriage. She would lie to me saying she would go be with a girlfriend when instead she would go to his place when his wife would not be there. *My wife actually removed his wife's image from her coworkers wedding photo and inserted herself into it via photoshop.* She even played with fonts of her first name and his last name on the computer. *I read in her journal that she wished I would die so she could be free to be with the other man.* She basically fell out of love with me and I am still destroyed and though she is willing to do anything to repair the damage, *I am still a wreck. I go to work feeling like garbage. I come home feeling like garbage.* I see images of her and him at least 3 times every hour. I have nightmares about it. She is trying so hard to repair but I have changed so much that *I do not know who I am anymore.* I feel like I am too damaged and she should move on. I have seen a shrink and we had counselling as well but they did nothing to repair my heart or make me feel any better. *I feel like a shadow of my former self of who I used to be.* One shrink told me that because of how much I cared for her, it not only hurts that much worse but it will take 3-5 years for me to fully recover if I ever do. I love my wife but not the same as I once did. I do not know how to explain it. I do not look upon her the same as I once did. I do not adore her as much as I once did. I want to but something stops me. I have had times where I thought I have let it go but the rage builds and builds. *I sometimes just want to crawl into a hole and die. I feel like this big walking corpse* that basically has me feeling abandoned though *she is wanting to make things right.* Sometimes I cry myself to sleep. At times I tell her that she should leave me for him if she wanted him so badly. I am so worn out from feeling this way. The real deal is he cut her off. He decided to stay with his wife and I feel like 2nd best. Like I am the "plan B" or the default....if it doesn't work out with the other man, i still have my husband kind of thing. *One shrink I saw said he believes I have a stress disorder. I feel like I am in pieces.* *My wife said she misses the "old me".* But she built him. And she also destroyed him. The only reason I am still home is I still love my wife and though not the same as it once was, we have 4 children together and I have a job to do in raising them with as much love as I can muster. Is this normal to feel this way? *I feel like my wife is trying to reassemble a broken vase but more and more pieces show up daily. She hates herself for her decisions and what it has caused me to feel.*


Your recent update:



Augusto said:


> All I can do is my best and be the best husband and father I could be. She read on here what some have said I should do. I have no intentions on divorcing but feelings of inadequacy are always there. *I do not know why I am worth having if I am not what she wanted.* I wonder how long it will take her to realize that and do it all over again. She says my changes will be a life long reminder on what she did. But *I wonder if there will be a time to where she will not forgive herself and just give it up and try this again.*


Your FWW treated your horribly and you were crushed by it. That is understandable and you would have every right to leave her, but you say you can't. You've also told us that she is trying to make things right but, for some reason, this isn't helping you. You need to figure out why.

Have you read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Eric Glover. If not, please do so immediately.

Please, get some help for yourself. If you continue to wallow in self-pity and despondency, your FWW, who seems to be trying to help you, may give up. Then where will you be?

You have the power within you to get past the pain if you want to. It seems, however, that you prefer to live in pain. This is your choice to make but, if you do, you have no one to blame but yourself.

This is your life, don't squander it. If not for yourself, then for your children, get help.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

You have given good advice to others in this forum, in similar situations like yours.

Follow your advice, life is too short to be a backup plan.

What has she done to help you? 

Since the AP dumped her, has she given you a timeline and diary of the affair? Has she stopped all contact, including changing jobs if necessary?

How has she made you number 1 in her life?


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

Augusto. 

I am sorry for the pain you are experimenting.

In your case a would not advice reconcilation because the next question will be forever in your mind

Is she with me just because he rejected her?

the answer one year ago was yes, as counselors have told you reconcilation under the right circumstances take between 3-5 years (sometimes even more) with time the triggers and mind movies will be less frecuent. the time you live without thinking in the affair will expand, the questions you have when she smile at you as "did she smiled at him like that also?" will dissapear, but the question that will never dissapear is "am I just second best?"

that question will haunt you, and all the question related to it will also haunt you:

What if he divorces and look for her again?
What if he wants to reignite the afffair years later?
what if his wife throw him out and he look for his plan b with promises of how wrong he was an actually he was always in love with her?

In 7 years that I have been around forums, cases like yours where the WS stayed just because the OM/OW rejection always end bad:

- sometimes WS eventually leaves
- sometimes the BS is never able to recover from the if question and leaves having wasted years of their lives.
- sometimes the WS betray the BS again because now he/she feels can have better relationship with someone else.
- sometimes the BS never really believes he/she is number one again and end having a revenge affair (not for revenge but because he/she feels someone else can love him/here more).
- and the worst of all (I have read like 2 cases of this) they grow bitter and resentful and they stay together knowing they don't love each other like some kind of twisted punishment.

*I know you don't want to hear this but in your case the more healthy is to divorce.*

I read sometime ago that a therapist named the kind of situation you are experimenting something like triple humiliation betrayal.

- First when the Bs discovers the affair.
- Second when he/she realize that even being the spouse he/she have to fight for the love of the one who is suposed to be their life partner
- Third when in the end they weren't even choosed but they were the option left.

the problem with your situation is that even if your wife in her heart make you number one again an is prepared to be faithful, repentant , loyal and the perfect companion for the rest of her life you have no way to really know it and engrave it in your subconscious.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

I Will leave you with one of this cases, I hope in the end you don't become like this man.

his wife like yours was used by the OM and then she stayed with his husband (as she was rejected after OM had his fun), she became the perfect wife, loving, faithful, considerate of her husbands needs, grateful for the second chance her husband gave her, she even signed a rights over marital assets to show him her commitment.

but in 15 years even as she did everything she could the resentment grew and grew in him, his words when he found about a cooworker's affair where the BS was trying to win back the gloating ws trigger him and he wrote this:

*I was not looking for an affair but I became triggered when one of my other coworker's had an affair and was bragging how his wife (BS) was bending over backwards to try and win him back. I became so angry that this adulterer gets so much reward for so much injustice. I felt as if my wife deserved some retribution and I deserved some joy too. After all, what goes around comes around. I never planned for what happened next..*

Tables have turned - The aftermath of my revenge affair - LoveShack.org Community Forums

that is why sometimes is better to leave before becoming this kind of person over resentment.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Until you get therapy you will never be happy. With or without her.


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## NovellaBiers (Dec 11, 2013)

DNA the kids. There is a chance this is not her only affair.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

manticore said:


> I Will leave you with one of this cases, I hope in the end you don't become like this man.
> 
> his wife like yours was used by the OM and then she stayed with his husband (as she was rejected after OM had his fun), she became the perfect wife, loving, faithful, considerate of her husbands needs, grateful for the second chance her husband gave her, she even signed a rights over marital assets to show him her commitment.
> 
> ...


I read the post on that external site and will put two sentences here for all to ponder:

"...that *"I was lucky to have her in my life because there was no other woman would have an affair with me"*. These hurt my self esteem but she did apologize shortly after saying these things."


"It got to the point where I would reject my wife's advances in order to not feel like I was betraying my AP."

The bolded part needs some extra attention.


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