# Still stuck 9 months after Dday



## 112on (Mar 14, 2017)

9 months ago in February I found photos, flirty emails, and a hotel receipt in my husband?s email. He gave me the pw eons ago and I checked it that day b/c he was away on a weekend trip visiting a friend and a phone call from him just sounded off. I called him that night and told him he better come home & that I know what?s going on...he came home after making several excuses of why he could not (car died, etc.). He comes home and denies it all saying they?re just friends and he just wanted to get away and be alone. I uncovered several other lies about that weekend in days to come. In the end he promises no contact. 2 weeks later we go on a family vacation and I find out he?s talking to her on our vaca with our kids. We argue about it when we get back as he promised me no contact. This time his response is I can?t tell him who he can be friends with and how I refuse to look at the real problem in the marriage which is how I?ve been distant for the past 2 years but still no admission of guilt, only a friendship that got too close. 

He met AP at work, started as EA then became PA after a couple months the maybe. I was told it started in Nov & I found out in Feb. She?s more than 10 years younger, married, 2 young daughters.

Over the next month he was gas lighting me and I felt crazy, lost weight, got ill (have ulcerative colitis), work suffering, mentally spent. I read on here about VAR so put one in his car in March. Recording #1 I hear talk of him wanting to take her away on a trip, talk about her body parts and how ?cute? they are, etc. I record for 2 more weeks & finally know I?m not crazy but he still won?t admit to a PA. I see a lawyer & that same week her husband finds old texts on her phone. The day after this my lying husband finally tells the truth but waters it down to missionary only sex a couple of times. Lies of course. This is not news to me so...
I hear one last VAR after her husband finds out and my husband still wants to continue the affair but she?s the one not sure about whether to continue. Some of this is a blur but eventually it all ends.

Since then he finally agreed to MC & I also go to IC; he will never go to IC. We are late 30s and have 2 kids aged 6&7, married 11 years. I don?t want to break up my family but 9 months later I still feel like he?s not sorry. I?m hurt & angry and want them both to pay. I got maybe 4 apologies and have heard I love you about 3x in the past 9 months. Mostly the apologies come agree we have an argument. So much more has happened in this 9 months but I just feel like he?s not sorry and wants me to get over it, esp now since it?s been so long. We have good weeks then go back to tension in the house b/c of me...almost every night when I have few moments alone to take a shower I dwell on the affair, how he made me feel & how hurt & angry I still am. I just cannot get past it. I even flat out told him in August that I still need to hear ?I?m sorry? every now and then b/c I still feel the pain, but have not gotten that and it?s nearly November. We?ve had sex on & off and that is a major pain point. When we do have sex I don?t want to be on top & barely touch him. For me this is b/c of the affair but he says it?s typical of me. Our sex life did start to decline since 2014 & my getting a new job last year that caused him to be the one to pick up kids and get their dinner & be home with them more in the evenings. 

He basically wants more ?thank you?s and ?he?s getting tired of being the only one home with the kids? and ?the work stuff is getting old? and I need to ?do more around the house? if I?m going to be getting home late from work. Mind you, we have a cleaning service and I cook all meals. Yes he washes dishes more than I do and helps kids with more HW than I do but to me that is being a parent!

Am I being stubborn for not thanking him for doing the needful? I don?t get nor do I expect or ask for thank you?s when I do things in support of our family & household. 

So I have questions swirling around my head:
Do most cheaters keep lying after they?re caught or did he just think I was too stupid to deserve the truth? Am I waiting for apologies that will never come? 
Should I put my thoughts & feelings aside and have more sex with him and give him more verbal reinforcement and see how that goes? I feel like if we had more sex and never communicated he?d be happy.

Like I said I don?t want I to break up my family and divorce scares me, but I want to know I tried if it comes to that.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

112on said:


> Do most cheaters keep lying after they?re caught or did he just think I was too stupid to deserve the truth? Am I waiting for apologies that will never come?


Yes, most cheaters keep lying after they're caught. It's called "trickle truth" and is well-known and documented.

And, this lying doesn't really have anything to do with what you deserve, or with your ability to understand. It's "damage control". The adulterer wants to pay the "lowest price possible", so he continues to minimize his involvement so as to somehow create an easier path to being free from guilt. It backfires, because of how we are made. We must seek forgiveness on the basis of the truth about what we did, or the forgiveness we receive is ineffectual to assuage our guilt. It's something the adulterer chooses because he/she thinks it will "ease" the penalty, but it always backfires.

As to "never", well, I can't say whether your husband will ever come to the place of realization that his sin is due to himself, and himself alone, and that he must repent "from there". But my observation is that the kind of contrition needed to come to this place of repentance does not usually come quickly. Years, even decades go by. Since, from what you tell me, your husband is not actually stopping his affair, and is rather trying to "negotiate" for his "right" to continue, while you continue serving him and your family in spite of the affair, he is not repentant in even the slightest amount at this point.



112on said:


> I don?t get nor do I expect or ask for thank you?s when I do things in support of our family & household.


Well, I understand, I don't expect "thank you" from my wife when I do my job. However, she always delivers it. I think she was taught that this is some kind of "respect" for me
(possibly tv shows and commercials) - however, I am unaffected by whether she does this or not. 



112on said:


> When we do have sex I don?t want to be on top & barely touch him. For me this is b/c of the affair but he says it?s typical of me. Our sex life did start to decline since 2014


Now, this is where the "effect" comes. I wish she would totally forget about "thank you" and want to have sex with me. It wouldn't even need to be all that frequently if I thought she desired me and wanted the sex. I get "duty" sex. And, it is reasonably frequent if I initiate it frequently. But she obviously wants to "get done" with it as quickly as possible. Sex, for me, is a joy and a pleasure, but for her, is a "job". I always say "thank you" to her for sex because I know she didn't want to do it, that it was a "favor" for me.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

To put this bluntly, he's not remorseful. He's going through the motions and he seems fed up with being an adult. 

I get that you don't want to break up your family, but you also can't reconcile by yourself. Do you really want to continue living in a marriage trying to force your own husband to respect you? You can't make him do anything if he feels he doesn't have to.

Start focusing on yourself and the kids and do a hard 180. For your own sanity. Please stop tolerating this disrespect and abuse.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

112on said:


> 9 months ago in February I found photos, flirty emails, and a hotel receipt in my husband?s email. He gave me the pw eons ago and I checked it that day b/c he was away on a weekend trip visiting a friend and a phone call from him just sounded off. I called him that night and told him he better come home & that I know what?s going on...he came home after making several excuses of why he could not (car died, etc.). He comes home and denies it all saying they?re just friends and he just wanted to get away and be alone. I uncovered several other lies about that weekend in days to come. In the end he promises no contact. 2 weeks later we go on a family vacation and I find out he?s talking to her on our vaca with our kids. We argue about it when we get back as he promised me no contact. This time his response is I can?t tell him who he can be friends with and how I refuse to look at the real problem in the marriage which is how I?ve been distant for the past 2 years but still no admission of guilt, only a friendship that got too close.
> 
> He met AP at work, started as EA then became PA after a couple months the maybe. I was told it started in Nov & I found out in Feb. She?s more than 10 years younger, married, 2 young daughters.
> 
> ...


You aren't the one breaking up a family, he did that by his affair. The vast majority of cheaters continue to lie and even when they start to admit, they only confess to as much as you know already. Trickle truth and damage control is all they attempt to do. You might get an apology here and there but are they sincere or are you getting them just because it's what you want to hear. 

Your spouse doesn't sound remorseful for his actions. He not doing anything to help you heal from the betrayal and he is still trying to control the situation. After this amount of time I doubt he is going to change. It's not what you want to hear but you should probably speak to a lawyer and file for divorce. He doesn't fear you leaving him so he isn't going to put any effort in trying to keep you. File for divorce either the light bulb goes off and he starts doing the hard work and you end your hurt and get away from him. 

Is he still working with her? If he is I'd bet the affair is still going on. They just get better at hiding it.


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## 112on (Mar 14, 2017)

OP here. The affair ended, to my knowledge, in early April. But yes, he still works with her. 9 months later I?m not expecting any more ?truths? to trickle out. I learned months ago & based on what I heard on the VAR that they did everything under the sun.

I have no proof but do believe it?s over b/c I had an exchange with her over text in August after I was spamming her email and she got my job?s IP address (foolish and petty I know). She threatened his job (security clearance) and he seemed genuinely upset and scared, but again who really knows. I still don?t trust him as he never let me see phone records or gave me access to anything. He has about 3 active email accounts and had 6 at the time of the affair. He recently made a big stink about me asking him to keep his FB friends list visible by his friends so I could see it, but did in the end.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@112on He isn't sorry. And he may well cheat again.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

112on said:


> OP here. The affair ended, to my knowledge, in early April. But yes, he still works with her. 9 months later I?m not expecting any more ?truths? to trickle out. I learned months ago & based on what I heard on the VAR that they did everything under the sun.
> 
> I have no proof but do believe it?s over b/c I had an exchange with her over text in August after I was spamming her email and she got my job?s IP address (foolish and petty I know). She threatened his job (security clearance) and he seemed genuinely upset and scared, but again who really knows. I still don?t trust him as he never let me see phone records or gave me access to anything. He has about 3 active email accounts and had 6 at the time of the affair. He recently made a big stink about me asking him to keep his FB friends list visible by his friends so I could see it, but did in the end.


As long as he works with her, still has contact of any sort with her, the affair will never be over. He's still being secretive, and without trust, you have no marriage.

He isn't trying to repair your marriage. He's trying to keep the affair more hidden underground until you back off and he can resume it again without getting in trouble with you. Then he can get back to his perfect situation of having a wife for the housework and cooking and childcare and extra income, and a girlfriend for the hot sex and escapism and someone to worship the ground he walks on.

Unless you want to model to your children that putting up with this attitude from a partner is acceptable, YOU have to get yourself out of infidelity, because he isn't doing it.

See Chump Lady. https://www.chumplady.com/2013/07/real-remorse-or-genuine-imitation-naugahyde-remorse/


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

112on said:


> So I have questions swirling around my head:
> Do most cheaters keep lying after they?


Most cheaters are absoultly worthless when it comes to relationships, actually they are worse then worthless. They are a time sink, they prevent you from finding someone else. The best way to treat them is like cancer. Cut them out and heal. Believe me or not, hopefully sooner more then later once you get your anger up you will see I am right. 

If he was going to repent he would have done it by now.


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## Loveless17 (Oct 16, 2017)

Why are you trying to fight for the love of a man who obviously doesn't love you? There are millions of men in the world and most would never cheat. You deserve a man who only wants you. Save yourself more heart ache and be done with him. He is now a cheater and even if it's over between them, it will just be a matter of time until he pursues the next woman for an affair. It's not you and no matter what you do, he isn't going to change.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Why are you not exposing your cheating husband to your family and his? Do you know anyone at their workplace? Let someone know in that workplace, so that you have an additional eyes & ears. Did you speak to her husband and let him know what you have? He deserves to know. An affair killer is that the cheaters are exposed. You are too timid in your exposure. You need to see an attorney to make sure that your rights are in order. I believe that your husband is still in this affair. He does not love you at all. He treats you terribly! He is not remorseful. You need to take care of yourself for your children.


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## 112on (Mar 14, 2017)

@ Roselyn, her husband found out and before that I told his sister & his parents & immediate family and mine know he cheated. As I said the affair ended in April as far as I know. It?s hard for me to move forward in reconciliation and he must be feeding off of me b/c if I?m in a mood then so is he; if I don?t talk to him then he doesn?t talk to me. I know it may be difficult for someone to show feelings for someone who has a virtual wall up, but I feel like I deserve that and he owes it to me.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

112on said:


> 9 months ago in February I found photos, flirty emails, and a hotel receipt in my husband?s email. He gave me the pw eons ago and I checked it that day b/c he was away on a weekend trip visiting a friend and a phone call from him just sounded off. I called him that night and told him he better come home & that I know what?s going on...he came home after making several excuses of why he could not (car died, etc.). He comes home and denies it all saying they?re just friends and he just wanted to get away and be alone. I uncovered several other lies about that weekend in days to come. In the end he promises no contact. 2 weeks later we go on a family vacation and I find out he?s talking to her on our vaca with our kids. We argue about it when we get back as he promised me no contact. This time his response is I can?t tell him who he can be friends with and how I refuse to look at the real problem in the marriage which is how I?ve been distant for the past 2 years but still no admission of guilt, only a friendship that got too close.
> 
> He met AP at work, started as EA then became PA after a couple months the maybe. I was told it started in Nov & I found out in Feb. She?s more than 10 years younger, married, 2 young daughters.
> 
> ...


First off. There is never a reason to cheat. This part is all on your husband. 

Secondly. Your marriage was in trouble water before hand. Doesn’t sound like either of you were working as a team. It’s like well I did this, I did this, I did this............ 

Not, hey hun can I help. 

Your job through your husband into chaos. Some men can do the what your job forced your husband to do, but not all. 

Did you ever ask how he was handling it?

Back to the cheating. I would never work it out in a R if my wife cheated. Up to you with what to do on that. 

Yes your still angry and resentful about the affair. 

He is still angry and resentful about the things going on prior to the affair. 

All the issues need to be addressed. If he is not willing to do so then there is no fixing the marriage. 

There is a lot here to destroy any marriage. Put on top his cheating, why are you wanting to save this?

It it’s because you love him still, what are you willing to do to make it work?


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## Mizzbak (Sep 10, 2016)

1120n,
I am very sorry that you have had this painful experience in your life. Finding out that a spouse appears to value us and/or our marriage and family so little that they are prepared to throw everything away for something sordid and selfish is one of the most hurtful things that anyone can go through.

The reason that you are still stuck about your husband's affair is very simple - you don't feel safe with him. From what you've said:

he blames you for the fact that he had the affair in the first place
he isn't doing anything to demonstrate that he cares that he hurt you or is even trying to confront or understand your pain
he really doesn't feel that he did anything that morally wrong or unacceptable
he is unprepared to change his behaviours so that you can begin trusting him again
he thinks that he can just go on in his behaviours (that facilitated the affair) as he always has
he is therefore highly likely to have an affair again (or just restart the old one)

His apparent expectation that you should now be grateful for him being willing to "try" and save your marriage, him arguing that bad sex after the affair is somehow your fault and him clearly seeing your marriage only as a series of positive and negative transactions with no concept of partnership are very negative things. They show that he feels little or no remorse, apparently very little regret and is completely unwilling to take accountability for his actions and decisions in having the affair, and the impact those have had on you. 

I'd like to say a word about you feeling that you would be "breaking up" your family with divorce. I'm afraid that your husband already did that. He broke your marriage and family when he chose to have the affair. You had no part in that decision (and if you had, I'm sure that you would not have agreed to it.) What you are now faced with is the decision of whether you are willing and able to work, together with your husband, to put your marriage and family back together. This isn't something that you can do without him. And he needs to be there 150%. From what you say, he is not. If your marriage fails now, then the responsibility for that is not yours, it is his. You need to let go of that guilt if you want to move forward. 

How has MC gone?
What advice have your family given you?
Does your husband already have a history of infidellity in his own family (father etc.)?
Is a separation/divorce at all feasible for you from a practical (childcare, financial etc.) perspective?

From what you've written, I would not see him as a trustworthy partner. He has a great deal of growing up to do. And at his age, he may never get around to that. Which would mean that you can never trust him. And you need to think hard about what that means.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

112on said:


> 9 months ago in February I found photos, flirty emails, and a hotel receipt in my husband?s email. He gave me the pw eons ago and I checked it that day b/c he was away on a weekend trip visiting a friend and a phone call from him just sounded off. I called him that night and told him he better come home & that I know what?s going on...he came home after making several excuses of why he could not (car died, etc.). He comes home and denies it all saying they?re just friends and he just wanted to get away and be alone. I uncovered several other lies about that weekend in days to come. In the end he promises no contact. 2 weeks later we go on a family vacation and I find out he?s talking to her on our vaca with our kids. We argue about it when we get back as he promised me no contact. This time his response is I can?t tell him who he can be friends with and how I refuse to look at the real problem in the marriage which is how I?ve been distant for the past 2 years but still no admission of guilt, only a friendship that got too close.
> 
> He met AP at work, started as EA then became PA after a couple months the maybe. I was told it started in Nov & I found out in Feb. She?s more than 10 years younger, married, 2 young daughters.
> 
> ...


I,m sorry you are going through this but your WH needs some 2x4 to realise he could lose you and his family. You may not want to break up the family but it is not good for a family to live with the mother in a state of flux it can affect the kids greatly. It appears he never was remorseful or did the things you needed to get past this. In fact it will take many years to get to a new normal. I am 19 years past the one I know about and it still bothers me, though its a fleeting moment. 
I think you should get individual IC, consider asking for a separation or time away from the marriage so you can think clearly. Just tell your WH that you need to consider whether you want to be in the marriage or not. It will also make him realise that he could lose you. Sometimes you have to be willing to lose the marriage for it to eventually work. 
Speak with a lawyer as to your options. You have to ask yourself whether you really want to be with him. An IC will help you work through your feelings and wants. It sounds like you don't even like to touch your WH. He has brought this on himself and hasn't done what is necessary. I can understand you wanting to stay for the kids but tbh, he can still be a good father to them. It is something you have to consider.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

112on said:


> I know it may be difficult for someone to show feelings for someone who has a virtual wall up, but I feel like I deserve that and he owes it to me.


If he wants the "wall" down, he is not going about it in the correct way. Trickle-truthing, blaming you, is not going to cause you to "give favor".

Proverbs 13:15 (KJV)

_Good understanding giveth favour: but the way of transgressors is hard._

He will either endure the hardship which accompanies what he has done, and prove himself to be worthy of your trust, over the coming years, or you should seek to be loosed.

And as to him being a "good father"....as they say in New York....fuhgedaboudit.... an adulterer is not a "good" father. Trickle-truth is not a "good" father. In my mind, there is no question that your children would be better off without him.


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## Tito Santana (Jul 9, 2015)

112on said:


> OP here. The affair ended, to my knowledge, in early April. But yes, he still works with her. 9 months later I?m not expecting any more ?truths? to trickle out. I learned months ago & based on what I heard on the VAR that they did everything under the sun.
> 
> I have no proof but do believe it?s over b/c I had an exchange with her over text in August after I was spamming her email and she got my job?s IP address (foolish and petty I know). She threatened his job (security clearance) and he seemed genuinely upset and scared, but again who really knows. I still don?t trust him as he never let me see phone records or gave me access to anything. He has about 3 active email accounts and had 6 at the time of the affair. He recently made a big stink about me asking him to keep his FB friends list visible by his friends so I could see it, but did in the end.


I'm sorry this is happening to you. Plain and simple, your husband is an A-hole. You may still love him, but he doesn't love you. You don't do this sort of thing to someone you love. After all the cheating, lying, gaslighting, trickle truthing (We only did it Missionary. Like that makes it better or ok, lol), and with all the evidence staring him in the face, he still hasn't aplologized. It sounds like a heartfelt apology would go a long way with you, yet he still can't even grant you that. It's obvious he's not sorry. 
He sucks.


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