# Oral sex..



## Rachben (Jul 22, 2016)

So as you guessed it's about oral sex. My H and I have been together for 11years,married for 4 and he has rarely given oral sex only around 3/4 times since we met.The sex was steady but has declined since and is sometimes only once or twice a month. 

He developed crohns 3 years ago and this effected his sex drive where mine is still sky high and feel like a pest for keep asking him. I give Him oral and have asked on many occasions for him to do this, but alas it never happens.

He is a strong loving confident man in every way,in his family life, his work etc but when it comes to the bedroom he tends to be shy and I end up taking the lead. I want him to be more dominant and be more evolved with oral any suggestions?



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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Rachben said:


> So as you guessed it's about oral sex. My H and I have been together for 11years,married for 4 and he has rarely given oral sex only around 3/4 times since we met.The sex was steady but has declined since and is sometimes only once or twice a month.
> 
> He developed crohns 3 years ago and this effected his sex drive where mine is still sky high and feel like a pest for keep asking him. I give Him oral and have asked on many occasions for him to do this, but alas it never happens.
> 
> ...


You've tried to get him to understand how important this is to you.

But he hasn't responded.

If he's the great guy you say he is, this means he hasn't understood fully how much it matters to you.

Make it very clear what you want. Make him repeat it back to you.

Once you KNOW he's understood, he'll either care about your needs or he won't. 

If he doesn't, you'll have a decision to make.


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## Rachben (Jul 22, 2016)

Thanks, 

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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Guys who like giving oral sex, GIVE oral sex, a lot. Your H pretty clearly does not like giving oral sex, or he'd have done it more than a few times in 11 years. 

I don't think you can do anything to change his preference so he does like it, just like you can't make a woman like giving bj's if she doesn't.

As to how he might become less passive in the bedroom, maybe doing some reading together would help and would open up discussions about what both of you enjoy in the bedroom. Maybe something like "Sheet Music" would be helpful.

Telling a guy you want him to be "more x" or "less y" doesn't help and can hurt. You need to be specific with what X or Y means to you. For example, there's a thread here from a guy who *read *that some women like men to be more dominant in bed. He took that to mean he should pound his wife into the mattress without ever discussing it with her or asking if she would even like to be pounded into the mattress. She told him afterwards it was too intense, she'd be in pain the next day, and asked if he was taking some kind of medication without telling her (probably meant Viagra). So if you mean you want him to initiate more often when you say dominant, you have to be specific or you might get too rough instead.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

norajane said:


> Guys who like giving oral sex, GIVE oral sex, a lot. Your H pretty clearly does not like giving oral sex, or he'd have done it more than a few times in 11 years.
> 
> I don't think you can do anything to change his preference so he does like it, just like you can't make a woman like giving bj's if she doesn't.


True. If he doesn't like giving oral sex, this won't do any good.

But, it's also possible that he isn't doing it because he lacks confidence that he can do it well. 

He might be happy to do it but just not realize how much it means to her.

My wife doesn't give me a blowjob because she just really, really enjoys having a d!ck in her mouth. She does it because she loves me, my happiness is important to her, she loves to give me pleasure, etc. etc. She claims to love doing it.

Now, I could have just decided that since she once upon a time didn't do it very often that she must hate it and not explained to her how much it meant to me.

But that would have been stupid. I'd have missed out on a couple hundred blowjobs, my wife would have missed out on a couple hundred opportunities to give me intense pleasure and our marriage wouldn't be as extraordinary as it is.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

She said she has asked for oral many times:


> I give Him oral and have asked on many occasions for him to do this, but alas it never happens.


So I don't think he is clueless that she wants oral sex.


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

Rachben said:


> ...and this effected his sex drive where mine is still sky high and feel like a pest for keep asking him. I give Him oral and have asked on many occasions for him to do this, but alas it never happens.


I want to say, just tell him before you blow him that you want to sit on his face and he needs to keep going until you are done. > Then you'll do the same for him. 

I can see you are genuinely sympathetic to him, and after 11 years, it's clearly not about keeping score. Good for you. This is something you want. And I think it's bullsh!t to say well, if he doesn't like it, oh well. If you like it and he loves you, he should like it, period! There is no good excuse, in my book, for not doing something for your partner if you are physically capable and it does not cause physical harm. I would say this is something you need him to do. Nothing about Crohns should prevent him from giving it to you the way you are asking. Also, you need to insist that he gives you feedback. What does he dislike about doing it? You need to know so you can get him to like it more. Also, when he does give you oral, be vocal and expressive about what feels good. Give him lots of positive feedback. If he sees how much you enjoy it, he will be more likely to do it more. It boosts his ego. 

I hate to mention it, but Option 2 is to get a Womanizer and bring that into the bedroom. That apparently can give women great orgasms from the simulated oral sucking it does.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

norajane said:


> She said she has asked for oral many times:
> 
> 
> So I don't think he is clueless that she wants oral sex.



I thought I had made my desires known to my wife for years.

Turned out I hadn't.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

If I love a woman, I see it as my responsibility to her to make sure she is sexually satisfied. 

Let me ask you: do you keep yourself clean? Do you get to the gynecologist for regular checkups to make sure there are no bad vaginal odors? Do you landscape and give him a nice presentation? 

Do you give your husband frequent BJs to completion? 

I'm sure you do. I would say as long as you are clean, with no funky odor coming from your grrrl, and if you have been satisfying him orally, then there is absolutely no excuse for him not to satisfy you and do his duty as your lover. Chrohn's can be debilitating and is often very painful, but during the times he is in remission he should be able to drum up the energy to take care of business. I would never refuse my woman oral, as long as she is keeping it all **** and span down there for me. Likewise, I won't let a woman go down on me unless I am clean and showered. I had a girlfriend try to go down on me in my truck once and I was like "No. wait till we get back to my place so I can get cleaned up for you. I'm all sweaty and gross right now." 

I'm kind of weird that way. I like nasty sex that is clean. Know what I mean? 

He is cruel to be denying you.


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## Rachben (Jul 22, 2016)

Banned-It.45 said:


> If I love a woman, I see it as my responsibility to her to make sure she is sexually satisfied.
> 
> Let me ask you: do you keep yourself clean? Do you get to the gynecologist for regular checkups to make sure there are no bad vaginal odors? Do you landscape and give him a nice presentation?
> 
> ...


I can confirm my hygiene is on point and keep everything trimmed and neat. Its not weird being clean for sex my hubby is the same. 

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## Rachben (Jul 22, 2016)

All comments are duly noted, lol @wantshelp sitting on his face may be a good move..jokes 

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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Rachben said:


> I can confirm my hygiene is on point and keep everything trimmed and neat. Its not weird being clean for sex my hubby is the same.
> 
> Sent from my D5503 using Tapatalk


Then, except for when he is pain from the Chron's, he has no excuse. 

I don't know what to tell you. I wouldn't say it is a divorce-able offense, but definitely something to add to the resentment list of items.


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## Rachben (Jul 22, 2016)

Banned-It.45 said:


> Then, except for when he is pain from the Chron's, he has no excuse.
> 
> I don't know what to tell you. I wouldn't say it is a divorce-able offense, but definitely something to add to the resentment list of items.


Resentment...wow dude I'm not gonna resent him for it, his my husband and I love him, and I'm not that idiotic to divorce him for something like that..I'm not nuts!!

I was just looking for advice how to approach it, and how from a man's point of view I wouldn't come across harsh.. 

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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

If your H is shy in the bedroom would it be safe to assume that he lacks confidence in his skills? 

Have you ever given him pointers/hints/ direct instructions during sex? If so, how does he respond? If not, why not?

Have you ever asked him to go down on you during sex, prior to penetration?

Do you bring any toys into bed with you during sex? If so what, if not why not?

Is his Crohn's under control, how frequently does he have flare ups and how long do they last? How well does he follow the Crohn's dietary plan?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Many people do not like providing oral sex. I suspect it is correlated with being generally low desire, but I don't have any real data. 

Often statements are made like "Yes I know you do it for me, but its a different think to do it for a man / woman" (I've often wondered how gay men or lesbians explain their lack of interest......

People who enjoy it have a difficult time understanding why their partners would not do it for them. It seems such a simple easy thing that provides so much pleasure. As someone who enjoys doing it, I can't understand it. All I can say is that for people who don't like it, it must be really awful to deny their partners so much enjoyment.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Rachben,

As noted above, not all women love giving blow jobs, but participate not because they acquire a love for it but because they want to please the person they love.

Since no one doubts your hygiene, this is on him. You have expressed your desires, you make him happy, and he needs to stop acting like a two year old and step up to the plate ( not really the plate).

If you cannot have a serious discussion on this with him without it turning into an argument, the next step needs to be a sex therapist.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I'm going to be a different voice here, and say that if he truly doesn't like giving you oral sex, to not make a big deal about it. There are other things you can both do. If someone really loathes a particular sex act, it's really not right to make them feel badly for not performing it. One thing if you never engage in _any_ sexual activity, but if he truly dislike doing this, I don't think it's good to keep pressuring/asking him. Idk. 

The answers are interesting on this topic, some suggesting divorce? I'd have to say if someone leaves their spouse over lack of oral sex, then wow. lol You didn't have much to begin with, I'd have to say.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

*Deidre* said:


> I'm going to be a different voice here, and say that if he truly doesn't like giving you oral sex, to not make a big deal about it. There are other things you can both do. If someone really loathes a particular sex act, it's really not right to make them feel badly for not performing it. One thing if you never engage in _any_ sexual activity, but if he truly dislike doing this, I don't think it's good to keep pressuring/asking him. Idk.
> 
> The answers are interesting on this topic, some suggesting divorce? I'd have to say if someone leaves their spouse over lack of oral sex, then wow. lol You didn't have much to begin with, I'd have to say.


No one has suggested that someone who* loathes *giving oral sex should be forced to give it.

To assume that anyone who doesn't just give unlimited oral sex on their own because they spontaneously feel like it therefore must *loathe* it is silly.

If you tell your husband that you'd like him to take out the garbage but still have to remind him from time to time, does that mean he *loathes* taking out the garbage?

There are a ton of things that could be going on here short of her husband being repulsed by the idea of going down on her.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Buddy400 said:


> No one has suggested that someone who* loathes *giving oral sex should be forced to give it.
> 
> To assume that anyone who doesn't just give unlimited oral sex on their own because they spontaneously feel like it therefore must *loathe* it is silly.
> 
> ...


Interesting you use this analogy, because when someones dislikes doing something, it will become a chore if they feel obligated to do it. That said, people don't have to be 'reminded' to do things that they enjoy doing. Her husband doesn't enjoy it, or he'd be doing it. He is fine with receiving it, so not like he isn't interested in sex at all. 

Loathe might not have been the right term, but dislike...definitely fits in with someone who never does something when asked repeatedly.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

If you are frustrated with your husband not performing oral enough and you want to encourage him to do it more, I'll offer you the following advice.

*#1 Get him VERY aroused BEFORE you make any suggestions or hints that you would like oral.* When a man is very aroused, our threshold for what we find sexually enjoyable increases dramatically!

#2 Once he is extremely aroused, ask him to lay down and then climb on top of him for a 69. At first you can mention to him that you just want him to enjoy the view, but once you confirm he is still very aroused THEN suggest he move in a little closer and ask for him to give you oral. 

#3 If he is reluctant to give oral, reach down and stimulate yourself and talk sexy saying you wish he could do this (what ever you are demonstrating) to you with his lips and/or tongue. 

#4 regardless of how good or bad he is at it, compliment him for trying and tell him he is incredible at it. Do it in such a way that you are actually giving him pointers at what he did, even if it was something he didn't even try and tell him you want that again sometime soon!

#5 Once he starts to get good at it, you can back off from making sure he stays aroused, as your enthusiasm should be enough stimulation to keep him motivated.


Easier said than done, but DO NOT do the following while working through this:

#NO fussing about his ability or willingness to perform oral.

#NO making requests for it when he is not yet aroused.

#NO refusing to perform sexually for him as punishment until he complies (ALTHOUGH you can be playful about this in the name of teasing him a little)

Hope that helps,
Badsanta

PS: If all else fails begs, try all the above and then beg desperately for him to do it while he is aroused. That will make him feel powerful over you and perhaps help him learn to enjoy it more! It will also make you vulnerable, and give you a kick of adrenaline to see if he will actually respond to you begging, which can be super hot. (That is how it is when I beg my wife for something!)


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

I'll tell you a story about communication that was lost in translation. Over on SI, there's a post about a man with a low sex drive while his wife has a high sex drive. They've been married for 26 years with kids. She had told him many times to go get it checked but he didn't listen or didn't take it seriously. She was left unfulfilled in the bedroom. What ended up happening was she drove to the next town over and joined a swinger's club and had sex with multiple men. A member of that club taped her in the act and sent it to her husband. He was livid and now can't stand to look at her. He also has a lot of regrets that he didn't fix his issue sooner, that he didn't really listen to her when she pleaded with him to get it checked. She just wanted sex with no emotional attachment but his mind movies torture him every day. He is contemplating divorce as of now.

The point I'm trying to make is that sometimes we would say something but the other person doesn't really listen or they hear something completely different. You may have to grab him by his collar, look in his eyes, and maybe slap him a few times. lol

You need to ask him how he feels about giving you oral. Ask him if it gives him an unpleasant smell. Get him to offer you feedback. You can compromise with him that for over 2 BJs you give, he gives you one.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Sex really shouldn't be a ''bartering system.'' It should be something two people do to bring joy to the other, willingly. Of course, if one isn't in the mood, to be kind ...it is always good to be giving. But, sex should be something enjoyable, for the most part. If one or the other person isn't enjoying the particular act at all, there is a reason for that, you just have to figure out what the reason is...and if it can be fixed. It may never be fixed, the person just my never desire to perform oral on you, and you have to be willing to accept it. If people get wrapped up in viewing a lack of sexual activity as a lack of love, then that is another area to look into. 

OP, it sounds like your husband truly loves you in every way, according to your opening post...you have to decide if this isn't 'fixable,' can you accept that? He may just not like it, you know? 

I hope you find an answer and that things get better one way or the other.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

badsanta said:


> If you are frustrated with your husband not performing oral enough and you want to encourage him to do it more, I'll offer you the following advice.
> 
> *#1 Get him VERY aroused BEFORE you make any suggestions or hints that you would like oral.* When a man is very aroused, our threshold for what we find sexually enjoyable increases dramatically!
> 
> ...


or...this ^^^ lol

0


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

This can be really difficult. Its reasonably to say that someone should not do something sexual that they really dislike - but - there are some people who will claim to strongly dislike any sexual activity that is not something that they personally greatly enjoy. This can lead to a very imbalanced sex life, where one person does everything for their partner, and the other is very selfish. If the "giving" person stops, the sex life will dwindle to a very limited set of activities. Since the "selfish" person is typically also LD, this is fine for them, but miserable for the other.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

If the LD spouse withhold sex selfishly, you would have to be able to see their selfishness in other respects as well. If you do not, than the LD spouse is not withholding selfishly, but from ignorance and an inability to empathize with the more consistent desire for sex. IOW, they just don't get it why their partner wants sex so much and why it hurts so much when sex is scarce. And that is on you to help them understand and feel your pain.


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## jarhed (Nov 11, 2012)

Have you asked him point blanks: "Hey - I REALLLLY would love for you to please me orally and I've asked you repeatedly. Why don't you do it for me?" Then stare at him and wait for the answer.....


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

jarhed said:


> Have you asked him point blanks: "Hey - I REALLLLY would love for you to please me orally and I've asked you repeatedly. Why don't you do it for me?" Then stare at him and wait for the answer.....




I agree 100% with this. Tell him how much you love when he does it and ask why he doesn't do it often. Then wait for an answer. You can manipulate him, be super sexually aggressive, you can try all sorts of tactics but all you really need to do is ask him.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

katiecrna said:


> I agree 100% with this. Tell him how much you love when he does it and ask why he doesn't do it often. Then wait for an answer. You can manipulate him, be super sexually aggressive, you can try all sorts of tactics but all you really need to do is ask him.


How many times have we had men on here ask essentially the same question, and get told that if the answer is no there are basically two avenues: stay and accept oral sex won't be part of the menu going forward or find someone else who will include it.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Sawney Beane said:


> How many times have we had men on here ask essentially the same question, and get told that if the answer is no there are basically two avenues: stay and accept oral sex won't be part of the menu going forward or find someone else who will include it.




I'm just saying ask. The responses will be either he doesn't like it, and therefore there isn't much she can do. Or maybe he will say he doesn't feel like he's good at it he's not comfortable with it or that he didn't know she loves it so much and in that case she can do something about it. 

If he doesn't like it then she can stay and accept it or leave and find someone who does. You can't assume he doesn't like it, you first have to ask.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Would some of you seriously consider ending a marriage over a lack of oral sex??


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

*Deidre* said:


> Would some of you seriously consider ending a marriage over a lack of oral sex??


While it is easy to take something like this literally, it is probably more about feeling unloved and as though your partner does not care about simple things that it would take to make you happy. 

Imagine you have a spot on your upper back that really really itches and you can't scratch it. You ask your partner and they just do not care to and have never shown any enthusiasm to help you.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

*Deidre* said:


> Would some of you seriously consider ending a marriage over a lack of oral sex??


20+ years worth of very frequent oral sex with my wife of 17+ years, I would certainly seriously consider ending my marriage over a lack of it.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

badsanta said:


> While it is easy to take something like this literally, it is probably more about feeling unloved and as though your partner does not care about simple things that it would take to make you happy.
> 
> Imagine you have a spot on your upper back that really really itches and you can't scratch it. You ask your partner and they just do not care to and have never shown any enthusiasm to help you.


This makes sense, okay...perhaps, not wanting to do a particular thing for your partner, despite your partner repeatedly asking, would mean there's something greater going on.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

*Deidre* said:


> This makes sense, okay...perhaps, not wanting to do a particular thing for your partner, despite your partner repeatedly asking, would mean there's something greater going on.


From my perspective, a partner who will not give you oral sex is either selfish and indifferent to your needs/desires, or very squeamish and grossed out by that part of your body.

As a woman whose husband will not give her oral sex, I don't take it personally, I know he's a squeamish person, and it's not like I think he'd give it to a different wife.

But it definitely casts a major pall on our sex life and makes me feel self conscious. At this point if he was willing to do it, I couldn't even enjoy it because I'd know it was grossing him out and/or boring him.

Hardly sexy.

I have not considered ending our marriage over that but I definitely would understand someone who did, and I wish I'd thought about the significance that and other sexual things between us would have over time and not married him in the first place.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

*Deidre* said:


> Would some of you seriously consider ending a marriage over a lack of oral sex??


If he was capable but chose not to, then yes, it would impact my feelings for him... and to me, potentially represent other things going on such as communication, acceptance, our connection. 

With my man, I want to completely let go and embrace my sexuality. And my expectation, is that he is able to let go in my presence too. 

My husband initiated going down on me after a short time dating. We were sharing in oral sex before we'd had intercourse. And for me, it's a mind-blowing pleasure. My reality is that I could not be with a man who was unwilling to share in this with me.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Rachben said:


> So as you guessed it's about oral sex. My H and I have been together for 11years,married for 4 and he has rarely given oral sex only around 3/4 times since we met.The sex was steady but has declined since and is sometimes only once or twice a month.
> 
> *He developed crohns 3 years ago and this effected his sex drive where mine is still sky high and feel like a pest for keep asking him.* I give Him oral and have asked on many occasions for him to do this, but alas it never happens.
> 
> ...


Others have commented about refusal to perform oral sex or lack of sex in general, and I agree with many commenters, so I will let those responses stand.

I am going to focus on your comment, bolded above, in which you tie his development of Crohn's disease with the drop in desire. Unlike others, I am not going to dismiss that so readily.

Is he on Prednisone or other steroid medication? Does he have ongoing inflammation that he or his doctor knows about in his GI tract? Has he had nutritional issues or vitamin deficiencies (Crohn's can lead to malabsorption)? Could he have developed depression or anxieties about his disease that could be affecting his performance? What is his medication regimen?

Because of your association of his disease onset with his sex drive, I wouldn't dismiss a medical component to this. He may be Low Drive to begin with, but his disease may have exacerbated this, based on the timing you note.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Rachben said:


> I give Him oral and have asked on many occasions for him to do this, but alas it never happens.


He has gone down on you 3-4 times over the years. Do you know what inspired the moments he did this? ....What was the setting (I don't necessarily mean the landscape) between you?

When it doesn't happen, what else happens? How do you ask and have you told him straight how much you enjoyed when he did that before? I don't mean for you to answer those questions here, just something to consider. 



Rachben said:


> He is a strong loving confident man in every way,in his family life, his work etc but when it comes to the bedroom he tends to be shy and I end up taking the lead. I want him to be more dominant and be more evolved with oral any suggestions?


If you didn't 'end up taking the lead' what would occur?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

In an ideal (or even nearly ideal) world, I completely agree with you.

Unfortunately there are some people out there who's actions give the impression of sexual selfishness. They will only do a very small set of things that they directly physically enjoy, while finding excuses not to do anything else. 

If you are in a relationship with such a person, and try to be a generous lover, doing everything you can for them, your sex life becomes very unbalanced. You, the giving person, become their sex slave. 

As soon as you start withholding things that you would otherwise be willing to do, you are entering the world of bartering. 


I said "impression" of sexual selfishness because I think in many cases is it not really selfish. Many HD people are happy to engage in a very wide variety of sexual activity. They may not enthusiastically enjoy everything, but they are happy to please their partners. For LD people it seems the sex is different - that doing something that they don't actively like is awful, degrading, disgusting. At least that is the only explanation I can have for it. 


Bottom line is HDs and LDs should NOT be in a relationship. Get out while you can. 







*Deidre* said:


> Sex really shouldn't be a ''bartering system.'' It should be something two people do to bring joy to the other, willingly. Of course, if one isn't in the mood, to be kind ...it is always good to be giving. But, sex should be something enjoyable, for the most part. If one or the other person isn't enjoying the particular act at all, there is a reason for that, you just have to figure out what the reason is...and if it can be fixed. It may never be fixed, the person just my never desire to perform oral on you, and you have to be willing to accept it. If people get wrapped up in viewing a lack of sexual activity as a lack of love, then that is another area to look into.
> 
> OP, it sounds like your husband truly loves you in every way, according to your opening post...you have to decide if this isn't 'fixable,' can you accept that? He may just not like it, you know?
> 
> I hope you find an answer and that things get better one way or the other.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

uhtred said:


> In an ideal (or even nearly ideal) world, I completely agree with you.
> 
> Unfortunately there are some people out there who's actions give the impression of sexual selfishness. They will only do a very small set of things that they directly physically enjoy, while finding excuses not to do anything else.
> 
> ...


This is interesting, and appreciate your comment.

I've never been married, and don't sleep around, but don't see anything wrong with having sex in a relationship, if one so chooses. That said, I'd consider myself having a moderate sex drive, and most men that I've been in relationships with, have had moderate to high drives. That said, I realize that dating is different than marriage. It seems like there is a theme on here, that sex was awesome during the dating phase for many, but shortly into marriage, or a few years...marriage sort of became less and less. My thought to that, is that there is something else going on. It could be that the OP's husband just doesn't like it, but in reading through threads here, it seems like it's usually something else causing the lack of sex. Whether it's resentment, anger, stress, a disease, a condition, a hang up, a past memory, etc...something is causing it. 

It'd be interesting to see if LD people would behave this way with someone else, in a dating situation. Or if the person isn't LD at all, and the marriage just isn't working. It can be many things, but it's usually more than meets the eye, from the threads I've read on here.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Its so hard to tell. 
An apparent bait / switch can be exactly that - a calculated decision to have sex to "trap" a partner, then stop when they can't leave.

It can also be that romance / passion falls apart because neither is trying anymore. 

It can be someone for whom newness is exciting, but they simply get bored of their partner.

There can be feedback. For one, sex leads to romantic feelings and actions. For the other romance leads to desiring sex. The thing is the gain of this loop can be larger or smaller than one. Some happy couples end up with wild romantic passionate lives with great sex. Others it dwindles into a resentful passionless sexless partnership



Also, while there are a lot of cases where sex declined after marriage, there are also a lot of cases where it was never good, but the HD partner was too inexperienced / infatuated to recognize the signs. 










*Deidre* said:


> This is interesting, and appreciate your comment.
> 
> I've never been married, and don't sleep around, but don't see anything wrong with having sex in a relationship, if one so chooses. That said, I'd consider myself having a moderate sex drive, and most men that I've been in relationships with, have had moderate to high drives. That said, I realize that dating is different than marriage. It seems like there is a theme on here, that sex was awesome during the dating phase for many, but shortly into marriage, or a few years...marriage sort of became less and less. My thought to that, is that there is something else going on. It could be that the OP's husband just doesn't like it, but in reading through threads here, it seems like it's usually something else causing the lack of sex. Whether it's resentment, anger, stress, a disease, a condition, a hang up, a past memory, etc...something is causing it.
> 
> It'd be interesting to see if LD people would behave this way with someone else, in a dating situation. Or if the person isn't LD at all, and the marriage just isn't working. It can be many things, but it's usually more than meets the eye, from the threads I've read on here.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

uhtred said:


> Its so hard to tell.
> An apparent bait / switch can be exactly that - a calculated decision to have sex to "trap" a partner, then stop when they can't leave.
> 
> It can also be that romance / passion falls apart because neither is trying anymore.
> ...


Good points, yep.


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## VizCaya (Oct 19, 2015)

becareful2 said:


> I'll tell you a story about communication that was lost in translation. Over on SI, there's a post about a man with a low sex drive while his wife has a high sex drive. They've been married for 26 years with kids. She had told him many times to go get it checked but he didn't listen or didn't take it seriously. She was left unfulfilled in the bedroom. What ended up happening was she drove to the next town over and joined a swinger's club and had sex with multiple men. A member of that club taped her in the act and sent it to her husband. He was livid and now can't stand to look at her. He also has a lot of regrets that he didn't fix his issue sooner, that he didn't really listen to her when she pleaded with him to get it checked. She just wanted sex with no emotional attachment but his mind movies torture him every day. He is contemplating divorce as of now.
> 
> The point I'm trying to make is that sometimes we would say something but the other person doesn't really listen or they hear something completely different. You may have to grab him by his collar, look in his eyes, and maybe slap him a few times. lol
> 
> You need to ask him how he feels about giving you oral. Ask him if it gives him an unpleasant smell. Get him to offer you feedback. You can compromise with him that for over 2 BJs you give, he gives you one.


while some people will blame the wife for seeking sex outside the nest , I put all the blame on her hubby , especially that she made it clear that she wants it badly .

we are human , with desires and emotions , when one of the partners is selfish , the other one will suffer ; and no one can blame in such a case cheating .


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## Natthewife (Jun 16, 2014)

Of he doesn't like doing it which he clearly doesn't, then repeatedly asking is probably putting pressure on him. You wouldn't believe how much sex life can be affected when one half feels pressure from any aspect of sex.
A good honest talk is in order. You may be surprised by how he feels and it's better to accept a partner does not feel comfortable doing something in particular and talk about other ways you can get pleasure that he is comfortable with.


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## Natthewife (Jun 16, 2014)

Just to add my husband loves giving me oral. Wants to do it every time we have sex but I'm not as fond of giving it. I've made him understand and accept it so he never brings it up meaning I don't feel pressured to do it so it actually does make me want to do it every now and again which I do.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Do you think it feels unfair to him that he does it more often than you do? Its tricky - it clearly is different for him than it is for you. 

You can get to the situation where the person who enjoys sex more gets less variety because they are willing to do anything and their partners are not. Its just a natural result of how each feel, but seems unfortunate.






Natthewife said:


> Just to add my husband loves giving me oral. Wants to do it every time we have sex but I'm not as fond of giving it. I've made him understand and accept it so he never brings it up meaning I don't feel pressured to do it so it actually does make me want to do it every now and again which I do.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

Natthewife said:


> Just to add my husband loves giving me oral. Wants to do it every time we have sex but I'm not as fond of giving it. I've made him understand and accept it so he never brings it up meaning I don't feel pressured to do it so it actually does make me want to do it every now and again which I do.


It sounds like you have a giving husband, willing to do a lot to make you happy. From my perspective, I love giving my wife oral sex because seeing her enjoyment of it is like a huge high for me. It gets us both aroused for sex. And, it gets things wet and ready for action. However, you're keeping score a bit here. If he truly enjoys it, like I do, he will do it even if you don't blow him back. So, do him a favor and let him give you oral. 

You said "I'm not as fond of giving". Can you elaborate on that? What are your negative thoughts about it. You have something that gives him immense pleasure that only you can do for him and you love him, but there is something that outweighs that enough for you to avoid it. Is it something physical like taste, texture, gagging, jaw muscle ache? Or is it a psychological basis? 

I think you are selling yourself short. You only live once and you are lucky to have a loving, generous husband. Have fun together.


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## Natthewife (Jun 16, 2014)

I don't know how to elaborate on my lack of giving though I agree that yes he is very giving but knows when I say no to receiving, not to push that boundary. Usually it's only a confidence issue at that time, body hate etc but it's not often I say no as I know how much he also enjoys doing it. 

I know why I'm not fond of it due to a past issue causing a mental block wall but it's just not something I could speak about on a public forum but the day I fully get past this problem I Will fully enjoy giving and receiving 


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## Blankmaier (Apr 8, 2015)

As someone who has Crohn's miserable cousin, ulcerative colitis, it can take a toll on you physically and mentally, remission or in a 'flare'. When I was first diagnosed, the humiliation of what my body was doing made me not even want to be naked ever, not even alone. And this was just before I got married, when most 'normal' people are going at it left and right. That, paired with the discomfort and pain, made it difficult, if not impossible, to feel like getting it on. He also might be dealing with lower levels of testosterone due to whatever medications he might be on. I dealt with all of this, and did none of it well. All of this led me to pretend everything was OK, I was fine, but just made me closed off, afraid to say what was happening, and became a shell of a person. My wife paid for that, in that she basically had a roommate who tried to help around with the house and kid(s). I became such a robot that even when she suggested to have a date night, or go away for a night, I just pushed it aside and fell back into the routine. Depression is also common with IBDs, keep an eye out for that. I began treatment for that much later than I probably should, after our marriage was held together by threads, threats of divorce, and the discovery of some 'beyond flirty' texts from an old flame of hers. Depression can show itself in the mildest of ways, as it did me. I just thought I was bummed because we were fighting about money, we had stress from that and 2 young kids, but after finding out about the texting, I blew my lid and went to counseling. 

Your desire to want to make it work is beautiful. Never give up on that. Just try and remember all of these things, some of them, or none, might be going on with him. It's a lousy thing to deal with and people handle it differently, for better or worse, and there is no telling whats going on unless you ask, and hopefully he will be open to you. I wasn't, and I think that my marriage is over with that being a huge part of it. Best of luck.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

That was really brave of you to share.

Crohn's, ulcerative colitis, IBS are a class of illnesses that are not only physically debilitating, but have an emotional component to them too.

It's probably hard to feel sexy, if you feel an attack is in the slightest way imminent.

I have heard it described as having "your guts run out of you." Obviously, not a sexy sensation.

But to a partner in love with you, I'm sure it can be frustrating. They want your body, with all it's frailties, and they begin to feel hurt and rejected when you don't want physical contact.

I wonder, are there forums for these diseases, which discuss the body image/ sexuality component that must go along with them?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Deidre,
No

I DO require a life partner to have an 'ALL ABOUT YOU' mode. I've got one - and I use it frequently. Happily. 

So - provided - my partner is capable of switching on 'giver' mode, I'm somewhat flexible about what they choose to give. 







*Deidre* said:


> Would some of you seriously consider ending a marriage over a lack of oral sex??


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## Blankmaier (Apr 8, 2015)

notmyrealname4 said:


> That was really brave of you to share.
> 
> Crohn's, ulcerative colitis, IBS are a class of illnesses that are not only physically debilitating, but have an emotional component to them too.
> 
> ...



There is so much mental anguish, it can drive you crazy. Mine wasn't even considered 'severe' (close to, but far from the worst), and it 100% consumed me. I denied to everyone and myself I wasn't running to the bathroom every 10 minutes, wasn't shedding weight rapidly, wasn't sickly pale. Then I finally got checked out and it was kind of a relief. Devastating, but somehow still a relief. Some of the physical is painful, and humiliating, but I believe the mental toll is worst. It has the ability, if you let it, to manifest itself and ruin you even when you aren't physically ill at the time. You never feel safe in public, genuinely caring people ask about it, but you would rather beat yourself with hammer than talk about it, so you just kid of 'turn off' and you can become a shell of a person you once were. That's me, and I hate myself every day for doing it. 

It wasn't a conscious decision, but I did nonetheless. Then we had a kid, I was trying so hard to be normal, and a great husband/father, I turned into 'chore-boy' who did whatever I could, maybe to compensate that I make sh!tty money and wanted to provide something to the family. I became a robot, doing chores, focusing whatever I had left on the baby, and ignored my wife. She mentioned it, but I was in such deep denial that I just thought that what we were doing, or not doing, was normal. We moved, had another kid, and in that time, my flares came back, and I went back into deep denial, not telling anyone. Our second kid had some health issues, and that, paired with more rent, and a longer work commute, was already stressful enough, so I kept my trap shut and pretended I was ok, when I definitely was not. Let him know it's ok to feel bad, and that other people want to focus on him, he doesn't have to be ok all the time.

Many of these things I talk about are very minor and subtle, especially if you are the one going through it, and for everyone else, if you don't let anyone know. If I were you, I'd let him know that if he's not in the mood, it's OK. If he feels kind of gross, that's ok, too. But don't let him just say 'I'm fine' all the time, because he's definitely not all the time, and even if he is, meds might knock the kibido down, too. That's what makes this disease so terrible, it really comes at you from the mental, medical, and physical angles, and no one knows which you might be dealing with. I had meds that actually made my symptoms worse, and meds that said wouldnt effect my libido that did, as it came back a little when I decided to stop taking it.


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## drifter777 (Nov 25, 2013)

I did oral on a couple girlfriends in High School and in the early years of our marriage but I never liked it. After a few years of marriage I began to hate it so I told my wife I wasn't doing it anymore. I told her to use her vibe on her own or when we had sex because I knew she got her best orgasms from the Hitachi. She rebelled at first and told me no more blowjobs but when that didn't get me to budge the blowjobs started again. You see, she enjoyed giving me oral and it was an important part of foreplay for her. 

I think OP needs to accept this and find other ways to get off while having sex with him. Experiment with him using the vibe or dildo on you as that might fulfill your desire to have him focus 100% on pleasing you. Try some things but don't bug him for oral anymore.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

For many people getting off isn't the point. A hitachi is fast but in many cases it may not be the most enjoyable. 

What caused you to hate giving your wife oral? Is it really so awful that you can't do it to make her happy?


I have the reverse. My wife considers giving oral so horrible that she won't do it. I still give her oral because I enjoy doing it, but deep down it feels unfair. 




drifter777 said:


> I did oral on a couple girlfriends in High School and in the early years of our marriage but I never liked it. After a few years of marriage I began to hate it so I told my wife I wasn't doing it anymore. I told her to use her vibe on her own or when we had sex because I knew she got her best orgasms from the Hitachi. She rebelled at first and told me no more blowjobs but when that didn't get me to budge the blowjobs started again. You see, she enjoyed giving me oral and it was an important part of foreplay for her.
> 
> I think OP needs to accept this and find other ways to get off while having sex with him. Experiment with him using the vibe or dildo on you as that might fulfill your desire to have him focus 100% on pleasing you. Try some things but don't bug him for oral anymore.


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## drifter777 (Nov 25, 2013)

uhtred said:


> For many people getting off isn't the point. A hitachi is fast but in many cases it may not be the most enjoyable.
> 
> What caused you to hate giving your wife oral? Is it really so awful that you can't do it to make her happy?
> 
> I have the reverse. My wife considers giving oral so horrible that she won't do it. I still give her oral because I enjoy doing it, but deep down it feels unfair.


Doing it a single time - like once a year - "just for her" is something I would do. The problem is that my wife (or any woman) wouldn't only want it once a year - they would figure if I was willing to do it at all then I should just do it. 

The short answer is yes, it is so awful I won't do it to make her "happy". Just like lots of wives won't take it in the butt to make their man "happy" because it is that awful for them. No one should do any sexual stuff they don't want to do.


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## JamesTKirk (Sep 8, 2015)

Sit on his face. Have him lie down and sit your V right on his mouth and don't let him up until he does his job. :smthumbup:

OK, I guess I'm being funny and this is of no help because it's basically forcing someone to do something sexual that they don't like. I love when my wife does this (which is rare) but I absolutely love giving oral. Still, if you really want it and he never offers, maybe try it once and see how he responds. If he squirms is way out from under you, then let it go. Otherwise maybe he'll understand how much you like it?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I don't mean to give you a bad time, but this is almost exactly what my wife said to me long ago about BJs. She was willing to do them once a year, only. But at the same time she found them degrading and disgusting.

I find that difficult to understand. I don't mean "I think that isn't true', I honestly mean that it doesn't match the way I feel about anything. 

There are things, sexual and not, that I enjoy an am happy to do often. There are things that I don't enjoy but am happy to do to make my wife happy. There are things that I'm unwilling to do. I can't imagine something that I'm willing to do once a year.


Anal sex seems different to me - for some recipients it is extremely painful. I presume though that those people will never want to do it. 

My wife is unable / unwilling to discuss the issue at all, beyond saying that its gross and degrading, but she will do it once a year. I've told her to never do it since it is gross and degrading. 




drifter777 said:


> Doing it a single time - like once a year - "just for her" is something I would do. The problem is that my wife (or any woman) wouldn't only want it once a year - they would figure if I was willing to do it at all then I should just do it.
> 
> The short answer is yes, it is so awful I won't do it to make her "happy". Just like lots of wives won't take it in the butt to make their man "happy" because it is that awful for them. No one should do any sexual stuff they don't want to do.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

drifter777 said:


> Doing it a single time - like once a year - "just for her" is something I would do. The problem is that my wife (or any woman) wouldn't only want it once a year - they would figure if I was willing to do it at all then I should just do it.
> 
> The short answer is yes, it is so awful I won't do it to make her "happy". Just like lots of wives won't take it in the butt to make their man "happy" because it is that awful for them. No one should do any sexual stuff they don't want to do.



Lots of women are "meh" about receiving oral sex. You just happen to be married to one who isn't.

Taking it in the butt can be downright painful, so not liking receiving anal sex is different than not liking giving a woman oral sex. Unless you have some kind of pain in your tongue or cheek muscles from licking and sucking. Which is possible too---lots of women get very uncomfortable in their mouth and jaw from doing oral to men.

drifter, I am curious. Have you ever really analyzed why you feel the way you do about going down on your wife? Is it:

She smells very unappealing. You're embarrassed to tell her such a thing. --OR--, you have told her; *she's gotten a clean bill of health from her gyno.*, and yet she *still* smells "bad" to you?

The texture of pubic hair, or of post shaving stubble is unpleasant on your tongue and lips.

A vulva looks ugly to you up close.

You feel too submissive. Or, like a servant.

Your neck gets hurt. It's hard to get into a comfortable position on the bed or couch.

Btw, ^^^ all of the above are completely normal and natural. What I mean is, all of them are entirely possible, and all of them would make going down on your wife an experience to be avoided.

The only problem, is your wife is missing out on something she likes. So, I am genuinely asking you. You are one of the few guys on TAM who has said he doesn't like giving oral; so I just wanted to take the opportunity to get a guys viewpoint on why it's unappealing. Especially since that's the op's issue with her husband.


======================================

@Rachben


Did any of Blankmaier's posts resonate with you? Do you think your husband might be having some of these issues with his body and emotions?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

This is great fun for someone who enjoys performing oral, but absolutely not for someone who dislikes it. What's worse, even if you enjoy doing oral, it can be difficult to convince your partner that you'd enjoy this. 




JamesTKirk said:


> Sit on his face. Have him lie down and sit your V right on his mouth and don't let him up until he does his job. :smthumbup:
> 
> OK, I guess I'm being funny and this is of no help because it's basically forcing someone to do something sexual that they don't like. I love when my wife does this (which is rare) but I absolutely love giving oral. Still, if you really want it and he never offers, maybe try it once and see how he responds. If he squirms is way out from under you, then let it go. Otherwise maybe he'll understand how much you like it?


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## drifter777 (Nov 25, 2013)

notmyrealname4 said:


> Lots of women are "meh" about receiving oral sex. You just happen to be married to one who isn't.
> 
> Taking it in the butt can be downright painful, so not liking receiving anal sex is different than not liking giving a woman oral sex. Unless you have some kind of pain in your tongue or cheek muscles from licking and sucking. Which is possible too---lots of women get very uncomfortable in their mouth and jaw from doing oral to men.
> 
> ...


I'm assuming you don't have a problem with my statement "No one should do any sexual stuff they don't want to do" so let's remember this.

There is no single thing I don't like about it but for starters it took forever - like 30 to 40 minutes - for her to cum on those occasions when she did cum. Jaw, neck, boredom all in play here. I used to give it the old college try until she cheated on me. I only did it a couple times after that before I just flat-out refused. I figured that if she had a huge problem with it she could pack up and get the fu(k out. 

Even before her cheating I resented that she pushed it on me and really didn't care whether I enjoyed it or not. Like I was "supposed" to like it just because I have a penis. It's complicated but the bottom line is still if it's a deal-breaker for her than I'm breaking her deal.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

drifter777 said:


> I'm assuming you don't have a problem with my statement "No one should do any sexual stuff they don't want to do" so let's remember this.



I have no problem with that statement at all. I would sign my name to that statement.




> There is no single thing I don't like about it but for starters it took forever - like 30 to 40 minutes - for her to cum on those occasions when she did cum. Jaw, neck, boredom all in play here.




Okay, yeah, 30-40 minutes is a l-o-o-o-ng time. Seems like she wasn't even all that horny to start out with, if it took that long----but everyone is different, maybe she just liked it to go on forever.





> I used to give it the old college try until she cheated on me. I only did it a couple times after that before I just flat-out refused. I figured that if she had a huge problem with it she could pack up and get the fu(k out.



That was great of you to try. No-one can ask more than that. And I'm sure her cheating on you made her kind of repulsive to you after that. Weird to have your face pressed into the area that she's let some other guy have access to---yuck.




> Even before her cheating I resented that she pushed it on me and really didn't care whether I enjoyed it or not. Like I was "supposed" to like it just because I have a penis. It's complicated but the bottom line is still if it's a deal-breaker for her than I'm breaking her deal.




No-one should have anything pushed on them. Guys are absolutely allowed to not be interested in going down on women.


I appreciate you sharing more details.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Well, I know it's easy to compare the oral sex between male and female. . .and I'm a guy and I'm going to come down in favor of women on this one.

ANd there are reasons why.

A. Anatomical/physiological: the clitoris is best stimulated by oral to orgasm. Many women can't orgasm any other way. High percentage.

It's also a total sensory experience, using all 5 senses.

B. It's probably the most intimate act in sex. What, you say? Intercourse is! Well, maybe a tie, but something about a woman who lays like that emphasizes vulnerability on her part, "preparing" her body for intercourse. It's probably the most loving act a man does. Intercourse is probably the most loving act a woman does.

For a man, and speaking as this man, yes, oral on me is NICE, like it for foreplay or even an outlet, but. . .last 2 partners didn't do it and I was totally cool giving vs. receiving. I always got what I needed after.

If you fall into A and B above, well, is it a dealbreaker? Um, no. But your guy has no game and no comprehension of the game.

I'm not saying it's everything but he has taken the blitz package out of your defense and trying to play without a pass rush, which is standard defense. He better step up his game elsewhere in midfield or secondary or reconsider how he's calling the plays.

Either that, or football is on.


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