# No longer physically attracted to husband at all:(



## Kimberley17

I know a lot of you have felt or feel this way.. I wish so bad I could get it back but don't know how. Any advice? Has it ever left and came back for any of you and if so HOW?? I no longer feel like a wife should feel about her husband as far as love goes which I also wish I could get back. I avoid sex as much as I can but sometimes I have to give in. It's a terrible feeling and I am so lost. Any advice wouldbe great and very much appreciated.


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## Heavyhearted

Is he physically attracted to you? If not, how would you feel about that? What would you want him to do to get that feeling back? How would you feel if he avoided having sex with you? Do you think it would help or hurt?


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## SadSamIAm

Has the feeling gone away because his physical appearance changed? Is it natural change (balding, etc.)?

Is it because of resentment over other issues?

Your husband knows you are avoiding sex. If he is like most men, this is how he feels loved. It is the worst thing you can do to him.

You need to either step up and be a wife or leave him so he can find someone that can.


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## Kimberley17

Yes, he says he is attracted to me and he wants me to desire him. I know it hurts him which is why I am asking for advice. Sure I can step up and be a wife but I'll be faking it. I want to FEEL it. And yes, I'm sure it boils down to buily up resentment so maybe couples counseling? I'm at a loss.


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## ScaredandUnsure

I would be so hurt if I found out my fiancee wasn't attracted to me anymore. It would break my heart to know he was having pity sex with me.


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## Kimberley17

It does not have anything to do with physical changes. He looks the same as when we got married. I think you hit it when you mentioned built up resentment. At this point I wouldn't care if he avoided sex with me. I wish he would. If it was earlier in the marriage when everything was going well it would have hurt. I don't know what I would have wanted him to do to get it back. If I knew that I'd do it. Do you think you can get it back once it's gone??


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## Kimberley17

Yes, scaredand unsure, I know! I can't help how I feel or don't feel. No one is offering any advice on how I can get it back though.


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## ScaredandUnsure

Kimberley17 said:


> It does not have anything to do with physical changes. He looks the same as when we got married. I think you hit it when you mentioned built up resentment. At this point I wouldn't care if he avoided sex with me. I wish he would. If it was earlier in the marriage when everything was going well it would have hurt. I don't know what I would have wanted him to do to get it back. If I knew that I'd do it. Do you think you can get it back once it's gone??


I think MC would be a good place to start. That and letting go of old resentments. Couldn't do much more damage than what's happening now, could it?


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## Heavyhearted

Kimberly17-

I get the feeling that sex is not the only thing you have witheld from him over the years. Do you regularly pull away when you don't automatically get from him what you want? You are doing that with sex and it will make things worse. Talk to him about letting go of the past and each of you should OWN your part in it. Then make a plan for how you will change the marriage so that each of you feels like they are receiving fulfillment.


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## SadSamIAm

If resentment is what is causing it, then that is what you have to deal with. Talk to him about it. If you guys can't get passed it, then maybe see a Marriage Counselor. 

Are you justified in your resentment? Not sure what it is about, but you need to have an open mind. 

If it is over something that you know you will never get over, then you should let him go.


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## okeydokie

Kimberley17 said:


> It does not have anything to do with physical changes. He looks the same as when we got married. I think you hit it when you mentioned built up resentment. At this point I wouldn't care if he avoided sex with me. I wish he would. If it was earlier in the marriage when everything was going well it would have hurt. I don't know what I would have wanted him to do to get it back. If I knew that I'd do it. Do you think you can get it back once it's gone??


just a word of warning. i am a husband with a wife with issues you describe. as a result i have become totally detached from my marriage and am at a crossroads today as to whether it will continue. I will not give her what she needs anymore when i get nothing in return. this issue can destroy a marriage. 

have you thought about his contributions to your situation? are there thing he can personally do or change that might help you feel more attracted to him?

i applaud you for asking for help. i sincerely hope you find what you are looking for.


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## Heavyhearted

okeydokie- I know exactly where you are coming from....I'm in a similar situation.


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## Kimberley17

HeavyHearted you seem very bitter. I have not withheld anything from him and I don't view this as withholding sex from him. I am not attracted to him. It is supposed to be something I want to do only I don't. It's not deliberate. I am asking for help to turn this around before I bail and destroy my family. I have young kids to think about and want to try everything to attempt to fix it if at all possible.


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## Kimberley17

Ah ha heavyhearted, the truth comes out. I was hoping to get objective opinions on here, not judgement.


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## Heavyhearted

It's not judgement. Being that I have been in a similar situation, I can see it from another point of view than you. You have built your wall and your husband will pay the price for your lack of communication and the fact that you wish to punish him by controlling sex. I do see your point though and I know that it is hard to move past the resentment. But, if you came on here looking for cheerleaders, you should move on.


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## Enchantment

Hi Kimberley ~

In another thread you admitted to an infidelity because the OM was giving you attention and validation that you didn't feel you were getting from your H.

Where is all of this at now? Have you broken off the affair? Does your husband know? What have you two done to work on reconciling?

I think that you will need to get down to the root of this - which could be something inside of you that you are not content with, every bit as much as something about your husband - or the attraction may not come back.

Best wishes.


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## chillymorn

what do you resent about him?

fix that and your problems will start to disapear.

but remember their are other women who find him attractive and sucessfull so star the ball rolling or take your chances.

I'm not trying to be offensive but this is how i see it and if you look at the infadelity board there is enough evidence to prove my point.


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## Kimberley17

Yes, the affair is done. I ended it to work on my marriage. No, he does not know about it. I am not looking for cheerleaders. Was seeking advice and I think I got some so thank you all. Seems we have lots of work to do so I am going to look into couples counseling and IC. I definitely need it. Thanks everyone.


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## dymo

Could you go into a little more detail on these built-up resentments?

How long have you had these feelings, and how long have you been married?

Is there someone else?


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## okeydokie

my apologies, i did not know there had been an affair. I frankly think you are being treated very well in this post. most people who cheat dont fair so well


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## dymo

Okay, looks like you did have an affair. *sigh*

There's the problem. Or at least a big part.

You're going to get people in this thread giving reasons to tell your H. And they will be right. It may seem counterintuitive, but they will be right.


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## Enchantment

Kimberley17 said:


> Yes, the affair is done. I ended it to work on my marriage. No, he does not know about it. I am not looking for cheerleaders. Was seeking advice and I think I got some so thank you all. Seems we have lots of work to do so I am going to look into couples counseling and IC. I definitely need it. Thanks everyone.


I think that is a great place to start, Kimberley - especially with the IC. A good counselor could help you work through any issues you may be feeling and help you determine how to approach your husband whether about the affair or about previous resentments.

Wish there were easy answers to give, but sometimes it does take a bit of hard work within ourselves in order to be able to realize our potential as a person and in a relationship.

Best wishes on the journey ahead.


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## Heavyhearted

Ah ha...Kimberley17.....There's the truth....we just had to wait for it. You cheated on him but he has the problem right?


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## MSP

You resent your husband for something, you had an affair, and you wonder where the magic went? 

Obviously, you have to wait around until your husband suddenly realizes the errors of his ways and apologizes profusely for making you have your inevitable affair (which was not your fault at all), sweeps you off your feet by doing everything he can to make you feel loved, and gives you enough space so that you can see other men when you feel like it, until you finally get sick of him and divorce him (which will be all his fault).

That's what you want to hear, right?


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## Kimberley17

Um no, MSP.. I know my affair was wrong and it was the result of my lack of feelings of love and attraction. Let me repeat I KNOW IT WAS WRONG AND ALL MY FAULT. I certainly don't blame my husband for my affair. That's over and I want to know if I can get things back on track.


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## chillymorn

Kimberley17 said:


> Um no, MSP.. I know my affair was wrong and it was the result of my lack of feelings of love and attraction. Let me repeat I KNOW IT WAS WRONG AND ALL MY FAULT. I certainly don't blame my husband for my affair. That's over and I want to know if I can get things back on track.


are you going to confess or take it to the grave?


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## Kimberley17

I plan to take it my grave but I'm not sure if that's the right thing to do. Most on this board seem to think I should confess.


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## chillymorn

Kimberley17 said:


> I plan to take it my grave but I'm not sure if that's the right thing to do. Most on this board seem to think I should confess.


thats a tough one if you can truley put it behind you and recommit then maybe.

but if he find out and you didn't tell him that would be worse.


good luck


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## Heavyhearted

Here's what it really boils down to: You lost your desire for your husband for whatever reason, and instead of trying to figure out what the problem was back then, you went to another man. Now that you have realized it can't work out with the OM, you want to fix the problem with hubby after you have already compunded the problem with the affair. Now, you want to blame your lack of feelings for hubby on past resentment that you could have fixed long ago (maybe).

Can you get your feelings back? I don't know. I can tell you that resenting him for anything at this point won't help that's for sure. Maybe you shoudl start focusing on what you love about him for awhile....which is?


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## MSP

Yes, you should confess your affair. Absolutely. Keeping the affair a secret will not remove the fact that it happened. It will just stop you from going forward. You'll never fully connect again without working through your affair together.

After that, you'll need to be having sex, with a lot of touching and kissing. Those things will rebuild your attraction to your husband. It's the reverse of the way a lot of people think it goes. Don't wait for the attraction to have passionate sex. The sex will cause you to feel attracted again.

But address the affair first.


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## morituri

Please don't take this the wrong way Kimberley, but is it fair to him to live with a woman who not only betrayed him but who no longer is physically attracted to him? What does he get from being married to you?


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## Jellybeans

Mori's right you know. 

Kimberley--you did not say WHY you resent him. Why do you resent him?

The affair, no doubt, has played a part in where your head is at now. Its good that it is over.

But...do you want to stay married to someone you're not attracted to? Does he deserve to stay married t o someone who isn't attracted to him sexually?

I think not.


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## heavensangel

You mentioned 'having resentment' but didn't give us any details as to who resents who (I assume it's you being that you're the one with the lack of sexual interest). I agree with MSP ( I think it was him/her) that said the 'resentment', whatever it is, has to be dealt with first. Resentment/bitterness are very strong emotions that can wreak havoc on a marriage much less the intimacy within it. I would look into marriage counseling and maybe even Sex Therapy?


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## Kimberley17

No, he totally deserves better. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I want to try everything possible before throwing in the towel. I know I haven't been fair to him and believe it or not I feel bad about that. And believe it or not I also have morals which makes me laugh even as I write it. I never thought I would be one of 'those' people. Yes, I was incredibly selfish for the affair. 

The resentment started long ago with issues of me feeling neglected and taken for granted. Whenever I brought it up my feelings were minimimized and I was told this is how marriage is. I also was shot down when I suggested counseling. Instead of pushing and fighting harder I guess I emotionally detached and the physical followed..

That's a very interesting perspective on how to get the passion back. I will have to try that. My struggle is getting my head back in it. But I am willing to try anything. I want my family to work and everyone to be happy.

And as far as telling him about the affair I just might have to..


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## Tall Average Guy

Kimberley17 said:


> Um no, MSP.. I know my affair was wrong and *it was the result of my lack of feelings of love and attraction. *Let me repeat I KNOW IT WAS WRONG AND ALL MY FAULT. I certainly don't blame my husband for my affair. That's over and I want to know if I can get things back on track.


Note what you say above in bold. You say you don't blame your husband for the affair, but rather blame it on your lack of love and attraction, which you blame on you husband. There is an inconsistency that you need to work through, probably with an IC. I don't know how long it has been since you ended the affair, but it is quite common for a cheater to "rewrite" history in a mental attempt to provide some justification for their behavior. Consider how much of this you might be doing.


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## Runs like Dog

Are you attracted in any other way? Or is it all pretty much flat? Personally I don't think it's a huge deal if it's just sex. Seemingly most marriages seem to fall off that wagon pretty consistently after a while if TAM is any measure. 

You also didn't say whether you miss sex at all. If not then, so what? Just tell him the truth and move on from there. Again, if TAM is any baseline, you're in the norm.


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## Jellybeans

Kimberley17 said:


> No, he totally deserves better. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I want to try everything possible before throwing in the towel.


Then tell him you had an affair.


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## SprucHub

Kimberly - Without any judgment of you - it is worse to not tell him of the affair than to have had it. Not telling him may preserve your marriage, but it is stealing from him. He should have the right to make the decision. Adding on that you are not attracted to him, he needs to know the path he is on is not the one he thinks he is on. We all choose the paths that we think are leading us to happiness and fulfillment. Many are on the wrong path, but only because it does not lead to where they thought it would; that is fair, that is life. No one should be on the wrong path because they are being deceived by the person they trust most. 

Judgment part - if you are attracted to other men, just not him, he needs to understand this so he can decide whether the pity sex, not shared love and intimacy, he is getting, is ok. You will hurt him, absolutely, but only a small fraction of the amount you are hurting him by being dishonest.


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## morituri

Kimberley17 said:


> And as far as telling him about the affair I just might have to..


You have to decide whether it is better to live by a dream or to live by a lie.


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## Jellybeans

Also, you said you were neglected/taken for granted of before? In what ways? Have you communicated that to him before?

I still think you should tell him about your A.


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## Hopefull363

This is my first post here although I've been lurking here for a while. Your post hit close to home. My husband and I have been married 14 years and have two children. We had a strong love for each other in the beginning and a great sex life. We started our own business and had that business until recently. Now we're a financial mess. Over the years being in business together the verbal abuse started from BOTH sides. This went on until recently. The show of emotion and affection stopped about 8years ago from him. When that stopped the physical side of our marriage suffered until that all but stopped. During that time I didn't feel like having sex since my emotional needs were not being met. I even told him why and nothing was done. A couple of months ago some things were said to me by my husband that opened my eyes. That's when I found this site by googling. No affairs on either end EA or PA thank god. I realized that we have to get sex back and I had to work on my problems within myself. I realized when I made a list of things I liked about my husband and things I disliked that I wanted to keep him. I went back into sex whole heartedly. I had to make the first move in our marriage or it was over. I swallowed my pride and did it. I realized pride does not belong in a marriage and it gets in the way. We are now working on the emotional side and it is coming along wonderfully. Sex is awesome and I initiate most of it. Poor guy can't walk in the door without me jumping him. About 3-4 times a week for the past months. Men need the physical connection to emotionally connect and women need the emotional connection to physically connect. If you want your marriage to work have sex more and try to enjoy it. Put your resentments away. Deal with them once you connect again so they can be dealt with properly. I know my post is long but I hope it helps. To everyone that will be upset about my lack of paragraphs "Sorry". I had to get the ramblings out without losing my train of thought thinking about paragraphs.


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## bandit.45

> Men need the physical connection to emotionally connect and women need the emotional connection to physically connect.


Hopefull, 

That's one of the best statements I've ever read.


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## Hopefull363

Didn't read about the affair until now Sorry. If I really wanted my marriage to work I would do one of two things. Confess the affair now tell him you're sorry it was wrong and you feel horrible about it. Take all the blame for the affair. Don't pass any on to him, go to MC and see if it could work. The second thing is to try to emotionally connect for a while first. This way he might be willing to work on the marriage. The second way is dishonest and not right. He has the right to know everything before he decides what he wants. Good Luck to you.


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## Hopefull363

Bandit thank you. Took me to long to realize that. Lots of years wasted. I wish I found this site years ago. It's been a wonderful yet humbling experience to reconnect. This site and all of you have taught me a lot.


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## This is me

Kimberly,

I applaud you for wanting to make it right. So much of your story is my story from your husbands POV. My wife built up resentment, may have had a EA and lost her feeling for me and the marriage. We are a year out from when she told me she wanted to divorce. We are now seperated and going the MC. Time will tell if we make it.

For months before she moved out, she gave me pity sex, but it was not good for either of us. We are working at getting closer, cuddling and hugging, but she is still not ready to get intimate. This has been the hardest thing for me.

I still love her, even if she had an affair, so I am not certain telling him is the best thing, believe it or not. The most important thing is can you love him and lose your resentment? 

I believe there is one thing to remove resentment....forgiveness! Can you learn to forgive?

Forgiveness sets you free from resentment’s confines; it breaks down the walls that anger builds and negativity reinforces.


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## ShuttleDIK

Kim,

At least you admit how bad your initial decisions were. I'm sure your H has is own set of detractions. We all do, right?

At some point, it just became too much and you shut down, only to let someone else access that part of you. I can't tell you why or how that happens. I can tell you that when it did happen for me, that meditation helped a lot! Moreso than any counseling and therapy. (This was in my 1st marriage, current wife I'm still very attracted to - though she's in your boat, just hasn't cheated... yet.)

If you ever had done any bio-feedback exercises, it's not actually that hard. You just have to ALLOW yourself to feel how you want. Your feelings are really all up to you. Period. If you're not feeling the way you want, you can change in an instant. But you do need to practice that skill.

Men are pretty good at this by default, almost. I think it's the lack of stigma about masturbating, but that's just my take on it.

I've read from some sex therapists (ask Ida is easily accessible) that it can start with your own fantasies, then slowly involve your husband, through imagination, that is, in them. Then moving on to fantasizing about your husband as the primary in the fantasy.

If I'm ever challenged to feel sexually toward my wife, I employ this method and I'm right back there. I usually go right to the fantasies w/ her.

Your brain develops patterns of thought - the more you're in them, the more you stay there. You need to change the way you think about things. The material world will change from there.

If you were looking for concrete steps for change, I hope this helps.

I am not unsympathetic to your plight and I applaud your efforts to save your marriage.

I'm not completely sold on telling your husband about the affair unless there is a good possibility he'll find out. "Coming clean" could possibly be more detrimental to the relationship than not. I said, could be. If he's suspicious, it's probably better to tell.

Good Luck finding love once more!


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## RClawson

Hopefull363 said:


> This is my first post here although I've been lurking here for a while. Your post hit close to home. My husband and I have been married 14 years and have two children. We had a strong love for each other in the beginning and a great sex life. We started our own business and had that business until recently. Now we're a financial mess. Over the years being in business together the verbal abuse started from BOTH sides. This went on until recently. The show of emotion and affection stopped about 8years ago from him. When that stopped the physical side of our marriage suffered until that all but stopped. During that time I didn't feel like having sex since my emotional needs were not being met. I even told him why and nothing was done. A couple of months ago some things were said to me by my husband that opened my eyes. That's when I found this site by googling. No affairs on either end EA or PA thank god. I realized that we have to get sex back and I had to work on my problems within myself. I realized when I made a list of things I liked about my husband and things I disliked that I wanted to keep him. I went back into sex whole heartedly. I had to make the first move in our marriage or it was over. I swallowed my pride and did it. I realized pride does not belong in a marriage and it gets in the way. We are now working on the emotional side and it is coming along wonderfully. Sex is awesome and I initiate most of it. Poor guy can't walk in the door without me jumping him. About 3-4 times a week for the past months. Men need the physical connection to emotionally connect and women need the emotional connection to physically connect. If you want your marriage to work have sex more and try to enjoy it. Put your resentments away. Deal with them once you connect again so they can be dealt with properly. I know my post is long but I hope it helps. To everyone that will be upset about my lack of paragraphs "Sorry". I had to get the ramblings out without losing my train of thought thinking about paragraphs.


The best advice thus far!


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## AFEH

This is me said:


> Kimberly,
> 
> I applaud you for wanting to make it right. So much of your story is my story from your husbands POV. My wife built up resentment, may have had a EA and lost her feeling for me and the marriage. We are a year out from when she told me she wanted to divorce. We are now seperated and going the MC. Time will tell if we make it.
> 
> For months before she moved out, she gave me pity sex, but it was not good for either of us. We are working at getting closer, cuddling and hugging, but she is still not ready to get intimate. This has been the hardest thing for me.
> 
> I still love her, even if she had an affair, so I am not certain telling him is the best thing, believe it or not. *The most important thing is can you love him and lose your resentment? *
> 
> I believe there is one thing to remove resentment....forgiveness! Can you learn to forgive?
> 
> Forgiveness sets you free from resentment’s confines; it breaks down the walls that anger builds and negativity reinforces.


For sure she can’t resent her husband and love him at the same time. We all know love is about giving, love is a verb, without loving actions we simply don’t feel loved.

Resentment is strong dislike and passive anger against the person who hurt us, who caused us pain. How can we possibly give our love to someone we dislike and harbour anger for? So if we resent a person we withhold our love from them. Resentment is the withholding of loving actions.




Forgiveness must come before love even has a chance as we do not give our love to a person we resent.




So she must first forgive before that love she once felt for her husband even has the slightest chance of rekindling.



The thing is will she forgive? Forgiving, like love is a verb, it’s a proactive process.


It will all be down to her motivations. Why does she want to stay with her husband? Why doesn’t she want to strike out on her own? If her motivations are honourable, for example her H isn’t just her Plan B, then she has a slight chance of moving onto a deeper and better love in her marriage. If her motivations aren’t honourable then she hasn’t a chance and she’ll more likely fail at the first hurdle, the hurdle of forgiveness in that she’ll never truly forgive and will always hold grudges against her H and therefore always withhold her love.





I wonder if her H will/would forgive her adultery.


And I think that’s probably one of the OP’s biggest problem. Because she is such a very unforgiving person she cannot even begin to imagine how her H can forgive her.


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## bandit.45

> And I think that’s probably one of the OP’s biggest problem. Because she is such a very unforgiving person she cannot even begin to imagine how her H can forgive her.


:iagree:


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## Halien

Kimberley17 said:


> I am not attracted to him. It is supposed to be something I want to do only I don't. It's not deliberate. I am asking for help to turn this around before I bail and destroy my family. I have young kids to think about and want to try everything to attempt to fix it if at all possible.


Please don't take this as a criticism, because it is not intended to be. However, listening to your posts makes me wonder if the 17 in your username is your age, or maybe maturity age.

I'm not a sex starved guy. 25 years and that department has never been a problem for either of us. For both of us, attraction is incredibly strong because we committed to making it so forever. We went through premarital counseling to rid ourselves of that teenager mentality that you've inflicted yourself with.

Marry the most incredibly attractive guy in the world, and if you expect HIM to maintain his attraction in your own eyes, regardless of what you do with your heart, it will not happen. Instead, you have to look at your thoughts about him, and put each of them in one of two possible buckets. Is it killing the marriage, or building the marriage? Pride, when he doesn't meet your expectations, and you choose not to give him a smile that he craves, goes in the kill bucket. Resentment goes in the kill bucket. Keeping score in an argument goes in the kill bucket. About the only thing that really goes into the build bucket are the spontaneous or planned acts of giving that you do for him. When you finally get it cemented in your mind that you control the things that you do for him, at every level, that is the only time that a partner can continue to be attractive forever, upon their own merit.

An imperfect human can only be attractive in the long term to a person who thinks like an adult, and recognizes that they control all the weighting factors that go into the choice of judging their beauty. My opinion is that you've let him become ugly based on your desire for another man, your pride and resentment. You've given him a immature excuse of a marriage, when he could be free to find a real one with with another woman, unless you choose to change that.


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## bandit.45

Where's Kimberly? :scratchhead:

Guess she didn't get the answers she was looking for.


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## Kimberley17

Thank you all for the truly great advice! I've been spending a lot of time thinking of what everyone wrote and I need to take a good hard look at myself. I have acted terribly. I know that. And I need to make changes to save my family. I loved my husband when I married him and he is a great guy. I need to work on letting go of the resentment and being more forgiving. Looking back I've never been a very forgiving person and I realize how unhealthy that is in a marriage. I want to preserve my family mainly for my children. They deserve to have a happy mommy and daddy together. I don't know what the future holds but I do know I am going to make necessary changes within myself through IC and take it day by day. I have already contacted someone and made an appointment.


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## okeydokie

Kimberley17 said:


> Thank you all for the truly great advice! I've been spending a lot of time thinking of what everyone wrote and I need to take a good hard look at myself. I have acted terribly. I know that. And I need to make changes to save my family. I loved my husband when I married him and he is a great guy. I need to work on letting go of the resentment and being more forgiving. Looking back I've never been a very forgiving person and I realize how unhealthy that is in a marriage. I want to preserve my family mainly for my children. They deserve to have a happy mommy and daddy together. I don't know what the future holds but I do know I am going to make necessary changes within myself through IC and take it day by day. I have already contacted someone and made an appointment.


i, for one, wish you great success. i think this response is very heartfelt and honest, good luck


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## AFEH

Kimberley17 said:


> Thank you all for the truly great advice! I've been spending a lot of time thinking of what everyone wrote and I need to take a good hard look at myself. I have acted terribly. I know that. And I need to make changes to save my family. I loved my husband when I married him and he is a great guy. I need to work on letting go of the resentment and being more forgiving. Looking back I've never been a very forgiving person and I realize how unhealthy that is in a marriage. I want to preserve my family mainly for my children. They deserve to have a happy mommy and daddy together. I don't know what the future holds but I do know I am going to make necessary changes within myself through IC and take it day by day. I have already contacted someone and made an appointment.


You know sometimes we sleepwalk our way through our life, not truly understanding what we are doing. But most significantly we just don’t know, are unaware of the impact of what we do has on others until it’s too late.




It seems like you have had your awakening in these things. And that awakening, that realisation should make forgiveness of others, most especially your husband, so very much easier for you.




It’s all in the phrase “Forgive them for they know not what they do”.


What’s actually meant by that is that the person doing the “deed” had no idea of the implications, the fall out of their actions, their behaviour.



I believe there are very few evil people in the world. That the vast majority of people don’t actually plan, they don’t set out to hurt others. But they do nevertheless.


So now maybe the phrase “Forgive me for I knew not what I was doing. It was foolish but it was not intentional” means a lot to you.



If you truly want to become aware of yourself and the effect you have on others around you read “Awareness” (Anthony de Mello). He will help to further awake you out of your slumber in these and other things.


I feel you are truly on a new journey and I hope you succeed in creating with your husband the family your children will love, learn and grow in.


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## fearful55

Kimberly,

Please be aware...

It is very hard to insulate oneself from the opinion of someone you love. What my wife thinks of me carries much weight in the workings of my self-image. It's easy to say, "Don't allow yourself to be defined by what someone else thinks of you." But in practice that is a tall order. The impact of hearing that the spouse that I have harmed through infidelity is no longer sexually attracted to me is huge.

In my case, my wife's anger and resentment over my infidelity is giving her permission to be aggressively cruel. One of her favorites is to remind me that the thought of making love to me or even being touched by me makes her ill. The devastating effect of hearing this is beyond my ability to explain in a few words.

I hope someone can share an experience of having repaired the kind of damage you describe. If reconciliation is the goal, this will be key. In any case, please be aware as you communicate with your husband around this issue.


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## This is me

Kimberley17 said:


> Thank you all for the truly great advice! I've been spending a lot of time thinking of what everyone wrote and I need to take a good hard look at myself. I have acted terribly. I know that. And I need to make changes to save my family. I loved my husband when I married him and he is a great guy. I need to work on letting go of the resentment and being more forgiving. Looking back I've never been a very forgiving person and I realize how unhealthy that is in a marriage. I want to preserve my family mainly for my children. They deserve to have a happy mommy and daddy together. I don't know what the future holds but I do know I am going to make necessary changes within myself through IC and take it day by day. I have already contacted someone and made an appointment.


Way to go Kimberly. I wish you all the best.


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## Kimberley17

fearful55, at this point I do not plan to tell him about the affair. It is my personal choice and one I know that most around here wholeheartedly disagree with. I understand the fact he has the right to know but that is my position at this point in time. How did your wife find out about your infidelity?


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## Lionelhutz

Kimberly

Has your overall sex drive changed? Is it just your husband you don't find attractive but still have regular sexual fantasies and or regular masturbation, or is it that you really don't think about sex at all anymore?


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## memyselfandi

How long have the two of you been married? Sometimes couples that have been married for a length of time go through dry spells where it just doesn't click for you. Sometimes us women go through times where we're so busy taking care of our lives with our families that some resentment DOES build up because you feel like you're doing it all and not getting any help. Sometimes it's not even that, but maybe you're just plain tired of him wanting it all the time and you don't. Sometimes our sex drives don't always match our husbands either as we age.

Might it be any of the above? If not maybe you and your husband need more romantic time and not have it be all about sex. Foreplay doesn't always consist of jumping right in the sack and doing it. We need to feel loved in other ways also like more compliments from our husbands daily, a bouquet of flowers or some other nice gift from them. Sometimes even a nice, "I love you" written on the steamy bathroom mirror for you to find after you get out of the shower or bath makes a difference. A nice date night once in awhile might bring back the spark also.

Maybe you just need some time to yourself. I'm not saying a separation or anything like that. What I'm referring to is maybe a day out shopping or a weekend away with a good girlfriend of yours. Sometimes too much time together between a couple can really put the kabosh on your sex life also.

The bottom line is it may not even be counseling that you and your husband need right now, but maybe you need to seek some counseling yourself so that you can talk through your feelings and come to some conclusions on why you're feeling the way you are towards him right now.

All in all, it sounds like you need to do some good soul searching as there may come a day as your marriage progresses that your husband's testosterone levels drop and he'll become less and less interested in sex, so I'd enjoy it while you can. It sounds like your husband loves you very much and there's nothing worse than loving someone and feeling like they've lost that loving feeling for you as sex can be soo important between a couple. 

I went through that myself in my new relationship and felt like crap everytime I got shut down. He was either too tired, didn't feel good, etc. and I started blaming myself. I felt ugly as I cried myself to sleep everynight and thought we'd never meet in the middle sexually. I lost weight, tried to dress sexier, and nothing seemed to work...he loved me but just wasn't interested in anything to do with sex. Thankfully he went to see his MD and found out that he had low testosterone. It still took months for it to get back on track..but when it did..it couldn't have been more amazing!!

Good luck to you and I hope you get to the bottom of your feelings. Please keep us posted.


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## fearful55

Kimberley17 said:


> fearful55, at this point I do not plan to tell him about the affair. It is my personal choice and one I know that most around here wholeheartedly disagree with. I understand the fact he has the right to know but that is my position at this point in time. How did your wife find out about your infidelity?


After I stayed out too late one night with a poor explanation, she looked through the cell phone records. I kept the calls to/from my cell to a minimum but there were still enough to spot.


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## DTO

Kimberley17 said:


> That's over and I want to know if I can get things back on track.


What if you ditched the selfish "I don't want to fake it" attitude and resolved that love is just as much an act as a feeling?

You don't sleep with your husband (much if at all). You were gone enough to conduct an affair, so he probably suspects something went on. Yet he remains in the home. Assuming he does not have serious self-esteem issues (meaning he wants out but is afraid to leave), he seems like a pretty good guy.

How about you recognize this, be grateful that he's still around, and let that feeling of gratitude lead you to cheerfully rock his world. This is not faking it. If you can't see the circumstances and cheerfully give to him, you have some serious issues.

The best thing you could do for your marriage is to come clean, ask for forgiveness, and give to him what he deserves but you withhold from him yet gave willingly to the OM. Like it or not, you cheated on him and if you are honest with him (and yourself) you have to prove yourself to him. This is in addition to any personal therapy you need to resolve your own issues.

If it helps, think of this sort of loving sacrifice as practice for the rest of your marriage. Do you honestly think that this (or any) marriage will work if the sexual relationship is based on how horny you are for him? What if he based what he did for you only on what he felt like?

There is a thread around where a very wise lady has resolved to take a "servant heart" towards sex. This is instead of the more usual approach where ladies base sex off of "wanting it" and possibly putting the burden on their husbands to "earn" it instead of seeing it as part of the commitment of marriage. Read it and see if it is something you would be willing to try.


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## DTO

chillymorn said:


> thats a tough one if you can truley put it behind you and recommit then maybe.
> 
> but if he find out and you didn't tell him that would be worse.
> 
> good luck


Agree.

Why would you want to keep it from him?

If you don't plan to treat him better but just do not want to suffer any consequences, that's a horrible reason. Man up and accept what's coming. You owe him honesty at least.

If you truly want to rededicate yourself to him and rock his world like he deserves, then I could understand that.


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## DTO

Kimberley17 said:


> fearful55, at this point I do not plan to tell him about the affair. It is my personal choice and one I know that most around here wholeheartedly disagree with. I understand the fact he has the right to know but that is my position at this point in time. How did your wife find out about your infidelity?


I gotta ask, if you get that he has a right to know, yet you refuse to tell him anyways, what is your justification? How is the effect on you from telling him so great that it outweighs his acknowledged right to know?

From here, it sounds like all your talk about getting IC is just talk. You seem interested in making yourself feel good and getting on an even keel. Being good to your husband is only a secondary consideration.

Please take what I'm about to say seriously. I was married to someone with this "I matter more" sensibility. If you think you feel bad now, try being on the sh!t end of that mindset. Treating him like he matters as much as you do is essential if you want a good, lasting marriage. If you can't suck it up enough to make this happen, you should leave him and take only the minimum, because he deserves someone who values him for _him_, not just for what he can provide.


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## Tall Average Guy

Kimberley17 said:


> fearful55, at this point I do not plan to tell him about the affair. It is my personal choice and one I know that most around here wholeheartedly disagree with. *I understand the fact he has the right to know but that is my position at this point in time. *How did your wife find out about your infidelity?


This does not surprise me. Your posts come across as you believing that you are more important than your husband. Your concern about getting attraction back is about you. Your affair was about you. Not telling your husband about the affair is about you. This has been a pretty consistent theme. 

Is anything about your husband? Consider that for a topic with your IC.


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## Runs like Dog

fearful55 said:


> After I stayed out too late one night with a poor explanation, she looked through the cell phone records. I kept the calls to/from my cell to a minimum but there were still enough to spot.


If we get a wrong number at the house phone Her Majesty gets weird......at me.


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## morituri

No matter how good a wife you become, if the truth of your affair is discovered, he will feel that he has been living in a lie. The chances of the marriage ending will be high and he will never forgive you for having robbed years out of his life that he could have used to move on with his life.


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## bandit.45

metalb said:


> I so feel your pain.
> 
> I am in a similar situation. I am in my sexual prime. All I do is think about sex all day long. I swear I can have an orgasm just thinking about sex. Unfortunately, when it comes to my husband I am completely numb. Sex usually ends up with my completely unsatisfied. He is still strongly attracted to me and I comply because I know it is my duty.
> 
> But it kills me because I want both of us to be with someone who can't wait to have sex with us. (Not together obviously, you know what I mean!)
> 
> I am at a loss as well. I wish you the best as you figure out your next move.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45

metalb said:


> I so feel your pain.
> 
> I am in a similar situation. I am in my sexual prime. All I do is think about sex all day long. I swear I can have an orgasm just thinking about sex. Unfortunately, when it comes to my husband I am completely numb. Sex usually ends up with my completely unsatisfied. He is still strongly attracted to me and I comply because I know it is my duty.
> 
> But it kills me because I want both of us to be with someone who can't wait to have sex with us. (Not together obviously, you know what I mean!)
> 
> I am at a loss as well. I wish you the best as you figure out your next move.


Why did you marry him? Money? Security?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## This is me

Some of morturi's avatars crack me up.


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## Paulination

Hopefull363 said:


> A couple of months ago some things were said to me by my husband that opened my eyes.


If you don't mind me asking, what did he say?


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## Beowulf

morituri said:


> No matter how good a wife you become, if the truth of your affair is discovered, he will feel that he has been living in a lie. The chances of the marriage ending will be high and he will never forgive you for having robbed years out of his life that he could have used to move on with his life.


Mori, why is it that wayward spouses never seem to think that their affairs will be discovered? They almost always are and it makes things 100x worse for having been lied to.


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## Runs like Dog

Most people make almost no effort NOT to be discovered. And since most people are not high functioning retarded it leaves only that either they don't care or they want to be discovered because it's the coward's way. And again, unless you're a clinical paranoid, if you THINK something's going on, it probably is, or something quite like that.


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## morituri

Beowulf said:


> Mori, why is it that wayward spouses never seem to think that their affairs will be discovered? They almost always are and it makes things 100x worse for having been lied to.


Don't know but whether they like to admit it or not, the affair has changed them and the change is often noted by their betrayed spouses. I can almost wager that Kim's husband has noticed the change in her. He may not be able to pinpoint the truth but he knows something is different with regards to his wife. I also felt this change in my ex-wife but it wasn't until I found that video of her and the OM engaging in sex that I finally knew what was behind that change. Sooner or later the truth does come out, just ask that Italian man in his 90's who is divorcing his wife of 60 something years because he recently discovered letters from her to her lover during WWII. To him the marriage is a huge big lie.


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## Hopefull363

Paulination, I don't mind you asking, thank you for asking. I will eventually tell my whole story. But the short version is We were married for 13 years have a 13 year old and a 10 year old. We owned our own business for 13 years as well. The business is now closed. We emotionally disconnected about 4 years ago. With our business closed, our house sold and personal bankruptcy started, I thought we could make a new start which included our relationship. 

I kept hounding him to talk to me about us. He wasn't responding at all. Finally I forced him into a corner and he told me he loved me but wasn't in love with me. I took a bullet to the heart. I thought all along he would be happy to have a new beginning for our relationship but he already left the marriage. My husband is a loyal man and I'm a loyal woman so there were no affairs PA or EA.

I was so hurt and scared of losing him I was a mess. I didn't know what to do so one day I googled My husband loves me but is not in love with me and ended up here. This was in December 2011. I've been lurking and building our marriage since then. What I've learned here and through reading books recommended on here has helped. I finally joined this month because I hoped our experience could help another marriage and for support.

We are slowly getting back. I get impatient at times. I want the connection now. But it took us a long time to get to this place it'll take a while to get out. I can see the progress weekly. I still hope that I didn't realize how much I love my husband to late.


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## anonymousgalinlove

It's going to take a lot for me to post this, but I am... 

Kimberly, I feel like I am living exactly what you are. I also had an A (yes I know I will get slack for that). It is something I regret doing, and I wish I didn't have to live with the guilt daily. My H is a beautiful person, and doesn't deserve a wife who betrayed him. He too does not know of the A, and I do not plan on filling him in as of today. We have come a long way since I ended the A, but still a long way to go.

The A started because he wasn't there for me emotionally. Someone else all of a sudden was. We fell hard and fast, and the sexual and emotional connection was out of this world. Now today, I struggle with having that intensity with my H, and being fully attracted to him because of the OM I was with, and because of the heavy feelings of guilt looming overhead.

I screwed up. I need to live with this for the rest of my life. I get that. I don't think many people can understand 'that' pain, and feelings of having done so wrong.

My H and I have been together for a long time. We have 4 young children. I owe it to all of them to try as hard as I can to 'fall in love' with my H again, and give them a life they deserve no matter how I feel.

It's a work in progress. Some days easier than others. I just wanted to let you know, you are not alone, and I am glad to have read you are on the right track. (hugs)


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## anonymousgalinlove

SprucHub said:


> Anonymous - you not only owe your children your effort, you owe your husband the truth. How would you feel if one of your children's spouse cheated on him/her, but did not tell. You fell out of love with him, cheated on him, and are not telling him - allowing him to devote himself to someone that does not love/respect him. That is plain stealing from him - stealing the time that he has on this earth that he is dedicating to you. Maybe if you are honest he'll stay, maybe for you, maybe for the kids. Maybe he won't. If you want to get your "love" back for him, treat him like a person and let him choose.


Thanks for your input SprucHub. I'm not going to try to defend myself in what I did. I know it was wrong. Hurting my husband with the truth would be worse. I love him. Never fell out of love with him. Just got sidetracked by OM who happened to have lied to me for over 1 year, and use me for sex, even though he knew his feelings were back with his wife again. So dealing with having hurt my H and having been hurt from the OM, is Karma coming right at me.

I understand you would like to make your point known in this thread, and kudos to you for that. You've done it. My main point was to offer Kimberly support, and let her know she is not alone. I *do* think that is what the main purpose of this thread was for.


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## Tall Average Guy

anonymousgalinlove said:


> Thanks for your input SprucHub. I'm not going to try to defend myself in what I did. I know it was wrong. Hurting my husband with the truth would be worse. I love him. Never fell out of love with him. Just got sidetracked by OM who happened to have lied to me for over 1 year, and use me for sex, even though he knew his feelings were back with his wife again. So dealing with having hurt my H and having been hurt from the OM, is Karma coming right at me.
> 
> I understand you would like to make your point known in this thread, and kudos to you for that. You've done it. My main point was to offer Kimberly support, and let her know she is not alone. I *do* think that is what the main purpose of this thread was for.


I think the point that I and others are trying to make is that without honesty, it is dang near impossible to fix the marriage. You and Kimberly are not attracted to your husband, you are feeling guilty over the affair and hurt by what occured. Your husband knows something is wrong, but is not sure what it is. He may even by trying to fix what he thinks is wrong, but can't since you will never tell him. It is like he is trying to put together a puzzle in the dark. He is grasping at what is wrong, all the while you are lying to him about the issues.

I don't think Kimberly's point or purpose for the thread was for support. I will take her at her word that she wanted help in getting her attraction back for her husband. I don't see how that can happen when her husband (and yours) is continually lied to about what is wrong. That way leads to fundamental disrespect.

Regardless, I hope you can salavage your marriage and make your husband happy.


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## anonymousgalinlove

Thank you for your reply, TAG. I appreciate your eloquent way of writing things, and not as an accusation. It's a great point of perspective...

I _am _attracted to my husband. I was *more* attracted to the OM, but i'm guessing because it was new and exciting. My H does not assume anything wrong at all... some days it's just more of an 'effort' because of the guilt.

I do not want to hurt my husband. He does not deserve that. I love him. (Yes, I understand if I loved him I would not have cheated on him... I understand that point). I do not want to put our young children through anything like this. Yes, my H deserves the truth. But they all deserve the vision of what a happy family, is. I can't take that away from them. I've come to far in life and with them all to do that.


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## Tall Average Guy

anonymousgalinlove said:


> Thank you for your reply, TAG. I appreciate your eloquent way of writing things, and not as an accusation. It's a great point of perspective...
> 
> I _am _attracted to my husband. I was *more* attracted to the OM, but i'm guessing because it was new and exciting. My H does not assume anything wrong at all... some days it's just more of an 'effort' because of the guilt.
> 
> I do not want to hurt my husband. He does not deserve that. I love him. (Yes, I understand if I loved him I would not have cheated on him... I understand that point). I do not want to put our young children through anything like this. Yes, my H deserves the truth. But they all deserve the vision of what a happy family, is. I can't take that away from them. I've come to far in life and with them all to do that.


I am glad that you were able to take my post in the manner in which it was intended. Tone in forums can be difficult to interpret. That being said, I do have a couple of more points.

First, I suspect your husband suspect something is/was wrong. He may not know what it was or assume that it now generally fixed, but he almost certainly knew. He may have tried to do something about it, or stuck it out for the kids, but he knew something was not right. To assume otherwise comes across as you believing your are that much smarter than your husband. How could you be attracted to someone that is that easy to fool?

I will also add that the happy family is a fiction. Unfortunately, it is a lie that you continue to build upon. The worst thing that can happen is that one day your husband puts all the pieces together. May be it is due to a reaction in a conversation, or a lie about something or what ever. If that happens, all the hard work you have done since then will go up in smoke because he won't believe you.

I wish you the best of luck.


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## In_The_Wind

Hi Kimberley have you tried MC and or IC ?? How much time to you guys spend together doing things other than watching tv ?? like spending time with just each other no cells, etc going on dates that type of thing


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## okeydokie

anonymousgalinlove said:


> and use me for sex


and what did you use him for?


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## SprucHub

anonymousgalinlove said:


> Thanks for your input SprucHub. I'm not going to try to defend myself in what I did. I know it was wrong. Hurting my husband with the truth would be worse. I love him. Never fell out of love with him. Just got sidetracked by OM who happened to have lied to me for over 1 year, and use me for sex, even though he knew his feelings were back with his wife again. So dealing with having hurt my H and having been hurt from the OM, is Karma coming right at me.
> 
> I understand you would like to make your point known in this thread, and kudos to you for that. You've done it. My main point was to offer Kimberly support, and let her know she is not alone. I *do* think that is what the main purpose of this thread was for.


Actually, my point is not that what you did was wrong, it is that what you are doing is more wrong. Like TAG says, it is impossible to fix your marriage without honesty. It will eat you up. Also, he may suspect something is wrong and internalize that it is him. What if he is working harder than he otherwise would to make you happy because he thinks he failed you. If you love someone, you respect them enough to be honest with them. You are protecting yourself, by not him telling him. If he did that to you, you don't think you'd have a right to know? 

Again, this is not to put you down, just to show another perspective. Sometimes, you have to go backward to go forward. Sometimes, when you are building something and make a mistake, you have to undo many layers to fix the mistake. Covering the mistake may work, and it may not; in any case, it is dishonest. Foregiveness is easiest when it comes with real regret; telling him before he finds out is the only way to show true remorse. Telling him because he found out only shows remorse because you got caught.


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## Kimberley17

I completely see everyone's point but I'm with anonymous and am not planning on telling my husband. I have and am going to IC and it is helping me figure things out.


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## SprucHub

Anonymous - for what it is worth - I have been with my wife for a very long time (half my life), we have 4 small children. If I found out, I would likely leave (by separating but staying in the same house for the children). Not because of the cheating, but because of how she treated me during that period (she has not been the best). Good luck to you and Kimberley, although I do not agree with your paths, I hope that you and your families find peace and happiness.


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## chillymorn

If I found out my wife cheated on me years ago and just stayed so the kids could have a happy family I would feel raped.

and would never trust another woman as long as I lived.

It would be hard for me to control my anger might even cause a breakdown of sorts.

if your not telling get off of here you are leaving a computer trail and he might find it.bury it deep as you can and live the rest of your life in fear of him finding out one day.

you will know if he finds out. he will be sitting with the 1000yard stare wondering if his whole life was a fraud.............and is was!


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## Beowulf

I am so glad that 20 years ago my wife not only ended her affair on her own but came completely clean to me that same night. Reconciliation was hard but our marriage has been great and continues to get better. My wife often comments that our marriage today is exactly what she dreamed about before we were married. In fact we are going to renew our vows this year on our 30th anniversary (20th of our NEW marriage). Kimberley and Anonymous, you are both living a lie and that is why your marriages are not making you happy. I wish you could both find it in yourselves to tell the truth and build a marriage as good as mine. Still, I wish you all the best.


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## whatevahz

Bluntly, orgasms change throughout life the same of it doesn't stay and throughout the twenties and thirties there is a significant difference, and some women get so frustrated with their durn clit they can't hardly hold their temper. I hear menopause is nothing to scoff at. Yeah it really does get better as you age, and some never get to the liking it yet stage and some didn't even know it could do that. Some can't keep their durn hands out of it and off it and wind up without one. Some women cannot wait to have theirs removed because it is frustratingly inconsistent and they think it triggers an imbalance. So, with all that hooplah, it don't matter how he look, there are professional women he can pay to satisfy him, and if you can't talk to him why not have a minuted to realize, that age is a constant change and so is feeling, and throughout it if he hasn't wronged you, stepped out on you, hasn't abused you and is genuinely kind and appreciative of you and lets you know it, ever thought he might be there for you when you might need him 40 and over ailing, and as long as your good to him he might let you care for him, as long as your honest about it and your intentions on caring for him. Men are a different creature, same species and not all of them are likely to refuse to help a lady who needs it, and it doesn't mean he's cheating, it means he is a man, and it is just how they are, and everyone knows no strength of a woman can equal that of a man physically. There if that helps ya, and wasn't too blunt for ya,otherwise get with an accountant if you need to and look at how the finances are doing with him and see how ya'll can react to that, and if he lets you, he might be ill and you might need to see the forest for the trees and realize he may be depending on you for more than sex and money management. More men wind up ed and pre jack than anything else, and you know what it could be all that kissing. Face it hours on end kissing is something you grow out of eventually and too much of it can potentially cause a feeling of rejection outa him like your some kinda dolly toting tandem bottle sucking wanna be fairy princess living like a would be if you could be barbie looking at him like he should look like ken. A kiss is a lot more than you might wonder about bubble gum popping your mouth off about also. There is science in it, not the how to action. What did he forget a few showers? Perhaps you ought ta slack back a bit and thank him for strutting it a bit for ya and read the ingredients on the old deodorant and realize you have eyes, but your nose might be letting the moment slip you buy and putting an impact on your marriage. It would be different if he was still showering with his sister or peeping in on her self breast exam then yeah he'd be disgusting and something to rid yourself of just looking at him over and not thinking twice on the sign of the dotted line. If it's over looks, girl put the perfume down and skip a couple showers and forget the makeup and look at your education and work history and look up colleges.


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## whatevahz

Bluntly, orgasms change throughout life the same of it doesn't stay and throughout the twenties and thirties there is a significant difference, and some women get so frustrated with their durn clit they can't hardly hold their temper. I hear menopause is nothing to scoff at. Yeah it really does get better as you age, and some never get to the liking it yet stage and some didn't even know it could do that. Some can't keep their durn hands out of it and off it and wind up without one. Some women cannot wait to have theirs removed because it is frustratingly inconsistent and they think it triggers an imbalance. So, with all that hooplah, it don't matter how he look, there are professional women he can pay to satisfy him, and if you can't talk to him why not have a minuted to realize, that age is a constant change and so is feeling, and throughout it if he hasn't wronged you, stepped out on you, hasn't abused you and is genuinely kind and appreciative of you and lets you know it, ever thought he might be there for you when you might need him 40 and over ailing, and as long as your good to him he might let you care for him, as long as your honest about it and your intentions on caring for him. Men are a different creature, same species and not all of them are likely to refuse to help a lady who needs it, and it doesn't mean he's cheating, it means he is a man, and it is just how they are, and everyone knows no strength of a woman can equal that of a man physically. There if that helps ya, and wasn't too blunt for ya,otherwise get with an accountant if you need to and look at how the finances are doing with him and see how ya'll can react to that, and if he lets you, he might be ill and you might need to see the forest for the trees and realize he may be depending on you for more than sex and money management. More men wind up ed and pre jack than anything else, and you know what it could be all that kissing. Face it hours on end kissing is something you grow out of eventually and too much of it can potentially cause a feeling of rejection outa him like your some kinda dolly toting tandem bottle sucking wanna be fairy princess living like a would be if you could be barbie looking at him like he should look like ken. A kiss is a lot more than you might wonder about bubble gum popping your mouth off about also. There is science in it, not the how to action. What did he forget a few showers? Perhaps you ought ta slack back a bit and thank him for strutting it a bit for ya and read the ingredients on the old deodorant and realize you have eyes, but your nose might be letting the moment slip you buy and putting an impact on your marriage. It would be different if he was still showering with his sister or peeping in on her self breast exam then yeah he'd be disgusting and something to rid yourself of just looking at him over and not thinking twice on the sign of the dotted line. If it's over looks, girl put the perfume down and skip a couple showers and forget the makeup and look at your education and work history and look up colleges. (just mentioning, not directly at the op)


----------



## whatevahz

See if you notice the option of suggestion, the word rape, you used it, so: www.experienceproject.org













chillymorn said:


> If I found out my wife cheated on me years ago and just stayed so the kids could have a happy family I would feel raped.
> 
> and would never trust another woman as long as I lived.
> 
> It would be hard for me to control my anger might even cause a breakdown of sorts.
> 
> if your not telling get off of here you are leaving a computer trail and he might find it.bury it deep as you can and live the rest of your life in fear of him finding out one day.
> 
> you will know if he finds out. he will be sitting with the 1000yard stare wondering if his whole life was a fraud.............and is was!


----------



## whatevahz

whatevahz said:


> See if you notice the option of suggestion, the word rape, you used it, so: www.experienceproject.org


.com


----------



## chillymorn

whatevahz said:


> See if you notice the option of suggestion, the word rape, you used it, so: www.experienceproject.org


what the h*ll are you talking about?

:scratchhead:


----------



## bandit.45

Don'tcha just love it when a thread gets ambushed by a schizophrenic?


----------



## Jaxie

I have the same problem. I have come to realize that it is because of resentment. It won't magically get better without doing the work. I am now realizing this. I hope you find answers to what is causing this. That is the only way to be able to change it imho.


----------



## Shaggy

Kimberley17 said:


> fearful55, at this point I do not plan to tell him about the affair. It is my personal choice and one I know that most around here wholeheartedly disagree with. I understand the fact he has the right to know but that is my position at this point in time. How did your wife find out about your infidelity?


Of course you don't plan on him knowing about the affair, it will bring the truth out and make you the bad person in your choice. To end the marriage.

He as a right to know the full truth about why his life and family are being taken from him,


----------



## bandit.45

Shag...look at the dates.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Shaggy

bandit.45 said:


> Shag...look at the dates.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, but she still posting.


----------



## GetTough

Kimberley17 said:


> Yes, he says he is attracted to me and he wants me to desire him. I know it hurts him which is why I am asking for advice. Sure I can step up and be a wife but I'll be faking it. I want to FEEL it. And yes, I'm sure it boils down to buily up resentment so maybe couples counseling? I'm at a loss.


I've experienced this. The most loving thing you can do for him is to really open up and share your feelings with him, and explore the reasons why together. Let me tell you how to discover what's preventing you feel the emotional connection. Imagine you were separated (which you will be if you don't get this fixed) and you were writing a Match.com profile. What would you write? In particular, what qualities would you say you were looking for in a man. You need to tell him, you're not feeling sexual towards him because he's not exhibiting those qualities, and outline them. He needs to begin methodically, regularly, habitually exhibiting behaviors that you would find attractive, until it becomes second nature to him. Otherwise he will lose you in person as well as emotionally. Don't beat around the bush. He cannot read your mind.


----------



## GetTough

MSP said:


> Yes, you should confess your affair. Absolutely. Keeping the affair a secret will not remove the fact that it happened. It will just stop you from going forward. You'll never fully connect again without working through your affair together.
> 
> After that, you'll need to be having sex, with a lot of touching and kissing. Those things will rebuild your attraction to your husband. It's the reverse of the way a lot of people think it goes. Don't wait for the attraction to have passionate sex. The sex will cause you to feel attracted again.
> 
> But address the affair first.


She absolutely needs to confess. There is no real connection holding that kind of secret.


----------



## Gunthar

While I suggested to someone to NOT tell of a EA that almost went PA (wife's EA) in another thread (she caught it in time, was remorseful and still loved her husband and no problems with the marriage), in this case it went further....... I agree with others to tell your husband and begin a rebuilding process now...if possible!! 

My reason: You now know you are a cheater! Compound this with the FACT you no longer desire your husband and what does this mean? You are a trainwreck waiting to happen as the next handsome guy that comes up to you and says hi.......dopamine rush, a little flirting.......a little EA.....PA....fog of the new and exciting relationship rolls in.......here we go again. 

If you indeed want to save your marriage and avoid the scenario above as well as reconnect with your husband you BOTH must work on it. If you indeed tell and the marriage falls apart then it was not meant to be, you both move on in life most likely happier in the long run which is better than living in a facade of a marriage.

Sorry to be "in your face" on this one but I believe the advice of these people on TAM are generally well worth considering.


----------



## GetTough

Kimberley17 said:


> And yes, I'm sure it boils down to buily up resentment ...


I wish my wife had told me that when I asked her what the problem was. Two years later, she had still never said that, and left. WTF.


----------



## Kimberley17

we are now in the process of divorcing..


----------



## A++

Good for him... He deserves better!


----------



## Kimberley17

I agree and so do I...


----------



## FryFish

> I agree and so do I...


ha... well, I do sincerely hope you get what you truly deserve.


----------



## Goldmember357

leave him 

easier on both of you


----------



## DTO

Kimberley17 said:


> we are now in the process of divorcing...


Well, I for one am sorry that it came to this. Regardless of whether this is best for the long term, it is bound to be painful for you, your STBX, and your kids.

I skimmed this thread (since I had posted earlier) and was wondering how you feel about all this now. Are you surpried, angry, sad, and/or relieved? You were going into IC way back in February - did you keep on with that and, if so, did you gain any insights as to why you approached this marriage as you did?

One thing I really hope you take away from this experience is a better appreciation for relationship dynamics and what it takes to make a marriage work. I looked back at some of what you wrote (copied below):



Kimberley17 said:


> I avoid sex as much as I can but sometimes I have to give in.





Kimberley17 said:


> Sure I can step up and be a wife but I'll be faking it. I want to FEEL it.





Kimberley17 said:


> I understand the fact he has the right to know (about the affair) but that is my position at this point in time.





Kimberley17 said:


> I have not withheld anything from him and I don't view this as withholding sex from him. I am not attracted to him.


It seems you assess the validity of your husband's wants and needs based on how they line up with your own rather than presuming them to be valid. You know your husband wants sex but you avoid it. Since you aren't attracted to him and don't want sex, this behavior is okay. You prefer the word "avoid" (neutral connotation) to "withhold" (negative connotation) and thus use a very immature semantics game to justify the same course of action.

My gut tells me that this is less a sex issue and more an overall respect issue of you putting your own needs, wants, and perspective ahead of his. I would be surprised if this attitude did not manifest in other aspects of your life (parenting, financial decisions). I would not be surprised at all if your husband's lack of attention to you stemmed from this basic lack of respect from you, triggering a vicious cycle where you diminish his perspective, he gets upset and pulls back, then you treat him even worse for his reduced attention to you.

What I really would like you to take away from this is that it is not up to you to judge the validity of someone else's wants and needs. If you decide to enter another relationship in the future, understand nobody is your clone and at some point differences in wants and needs will arise. Considering yourself more important just because you said so is relationship poison and you will end up in the same situation with nearly anyone if done often enough.

If you find someone willing to be treated as inferior, he has serious esteem issues (or other problems) to be happy in such a situation and you don't want him anyways.


----------



## itsmesteveb72

I am new on the site... I think I see the issue. The other man gave you something your hubby didn't. A different experience. Love you never felt. You got scared and pushed away out of guilt. Am I wrong? Hard to move forward and picture your life and starting new.


----------



## treyvion

Kimberley17 said:


> I know a lot of you have felt or feel this way.. I wish so bad I could get it back but don't know how. Any advice? Has it ever left and came back for any of you and if so HOW?? I no longer feel like a wife should feel about her husband as far as love goes which I also wish I could get back. I avoid sex as much as I can but sometimes I have to give in. It's a terrible feeling and I am so lost. Any advice wouldbe great and very much appreciated.


You pointed out something that I haven't quite seen put in words.

How badly does it feel to "give in" to your husband? Does it feel like your betraying yourself? Does he appear like a brother to you now?


----------



## northernlights

treyvion said:


> You pointed out something that I haven't quite seen put in words.
> 
> How badly does it feel to "give in" to your husband? Does it feel like your betraying yourself? Does he appear like a brother to you now?


I can't answer for the OP, but I can answer for myself.

It feels like rape.

Men need to understand that they're not entitled to sex just because it's a need of theirs too. (Yes, too. Because OMG women list sex as a "need" too!). 

I'm so sick of seeing women shamed for "withholding" sex and coerced on this board into giving it to their husbands. Sex is a gift freely given. If it's not, then we here can help a woman find out why she doesn't want to do it.

But the shaming? The coercion? The verbal abuse? Sickening.

There are good things about this site, but there are God-awful things about it too.


----------



## treyvion

northernlights said:


> I can't answer for the OP, but I can answer for myself.
> 
> It feels like rape.
> 
> Men need to understand that they're not entitled to sex just because it's a need of theirs too. (Yes, too. Because OMG women list sex as a "need" too!).
> 
> I'm so sick of seeing women shamed for "withholding" sex and coerced on this board into giving it to their husbands. Sex is a gift freely given. If it's not, then we here can help a woman find out why she doesn't want to do it.
> 
> But the shaming? The coercion? The verbal abuse? Sickening.
> 
> There are good things about this site, but there are God-awful things about it too.


If your man was your only source of admiration and physical intimacy - and it was something you grew to be used to. If something happened, and he was no longer providing it...

1 week
1 month
1 year
several years

Several years go by, and the husband is "witholding" physical and emotional intimacy for you... Wouldn't you see this is a problem? Wouldn't you recognize this man is literally robbing you of life?

No one is asking a woman to feel raped... The problem here is men who are happy to oblige their wives, to provide, to take care of and to nurture them. And the result of this is a sexless life devoid of physical and emotional intimacy...

It's not right.


----------



## northernlights

treyvion said:


> If your man was your only source of admiration and physical intimacy - and it was something you grew to be used to. If something happened, and he was no longer providing it...
> 
> 1 week
> 1 month
> 1 year
> several years
> 
> Several years go by, and the husband is "witholding" physical and emotional intimacy for you... Wouldn't you see this is a problem? Wouldn't you recognize this man is literally robbing you of life?
> 
> No one is asking a woman to feel raped... The problem here is men who are happy to oblige their wives, to provide, to take care of and to nurture them. And the result of this is a sexless life devoid of physical and emotional intimacy...
> 
> It's not right.


Oh, absolutely I believe it's important and should be willingly given, just like emotional intimacy and all of the other good things in a marriage. But forcing sex is not ok when it makes a person feel violated. I'd like to see the ladies lounge, of all places here on TAM, take a united front on this one.

Of course, the problem should be addressed in counseling or however the couple chooses to address it. By no means am I suggesting that anyone should just suck up a life of no sex. But no one, man or woman, should feel coerced into having sex with anyone, even if that person is their spouse. 

There's a line too between just not feeling in the mood for sex and actively being disgusted by the thought of sex with your spouse. I do support the idea that spouses who just "aren't in the mood" should make an effort to get into the mood. And of course, withholding sex to control another person is wrong too.


----------



## Kimberley17

Update: we are now divorced and I am much happier alone.


----------



## northernlights

Kimberley17 said:


> Update: we are now divorced and I am much happier alone.


I'm sorry it didn't work out, but glad to hear that you're doing well. 

If you have time, I'd love to hear about how you guys made the decision to split and what's better now that you're apart. I'm on the fence myself and always appreciate the perspective.


----------



## ginger-snap

> It feels like rape.


Unless he is actually physically forcing you against your will and the whole time you're saying "No" then if "giving in" feels like rape, in my humble opinion, you have far, far more serious issues in your marriage than just sex. I would hope I would never use rape to describe sex with my husband, because at that point, I probably shouldn't be married to him because any husband that rapes his wife is abusive and not husband material. I think comparing "giving in" to the pleas of your spouse to actual rape is terrible and does a disservice to true rape *victims*. If you really are a victim of such horrible abuse, then I hope you can find a way out.


----------



## northernlights

ginger-snap said:


> Unless he is actually physically forcing you against your will and the whole time you're saying "No" then if "giving in" feels like rape, in my humble opinion, you have far, far more serious issues in your marriage than just sex. I would hope I would never use rape to describe sex with my husband, because at that point, I probably shouldn't be married to him because any husband that rapes his wife is abusive and not husband material. I think comparing "giving in" to the pleas of your spouse to actual rape is terrible and does a disservice to true rape *victims*. If you really are a victim of such horrible abuse, then I hope you can find a way out.


Wow, thanks for the passive-aggressive sympathy?


----------



## ginger-snap

Not passive-aggressive. Seriously, if you are being raped, you need to get out now and call a hotline for abused women. If not, then don't compare it to rape, because I have friends who have been raped, and it is truly a devastating thing to experience.


----------



## dusty4

Kimberley17 said:


> Update: we are now divorced and I am much happier alone.


Thats a wise decision for you to decide to be alone. Because based on your description of things, you probably are just one of those people who get bored being with the same person for too long.


----------



## Coffee Amore

ginger-snap said:


> Unless he is actually physically forcing you against your will and the whole time you're saying "No" then if "giving in" feels like rape, in my humble opinion, you have far, far more serious issues in your marriage than just sex. I would hope I would never use rape to describe sex with my husband, because at that point, I probably shouldn't be married to him because any husband that rapes his wife is abusive and not husband material. I think comparing "giving in" to the pleas of your spouse to actual rape is terrible and does a disservice to true rape *victims*. If you really are a victim of such horrible abuse, then I hope you can find a way out.


:iagree:

I'm taken back by the overuse of the word "rape". If someone has to use the term "it feels like rape" to describe marital sex then why on earth is that person staying with a rapist?! It's not right to use rape for hyperbole or to raise the drama quotient in a post. Using the word "rape" in a non-rape context trivializes the word that describes a horrific sexual act forced on both men, women and children.


----------



## doubletrouble

Do you have any sex drive? Are you attracted to someone else? Are you not over the AP? 

We have to clean up our own back yards before we can walk barefoot again.

Edit: Never mind. You ditched him and kept your secret. Good luck.


----------



## treyvion

Kimberley17 said:


> I know a lot of you have felt or feel this way.. I wish so bad I could get it back but don't know how. Any advice? Has it ever left and came back for any of you and if so HOW?? I no longer feel like a wife should feel about her husband as far as love goes which I also wish I could get back. I avoid sex as much as I can but sometimes I have to give in. It's a terrible feeling and I am so lost. Any advice wouldbe great and very much appreciated.


If the husband did a physical transformation as such ( see before and after photos in attached link ), would that have maintained or regained your physical attraction?

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/private-members-section/63306-my-weight-loss-journal-8.html


----------



## just got it 55

Kimberley17 said:


> I know a lot of you have felt or feel this way.. I wish so bad I could get it back but don't know how. Any advice? Has it ever left and came back for any of you and if so HOW?? I no longer feel like a wife should feel about her husband as far as love goes which I also wish I could get back. I avoid sex as much as I can but sometimes I have to give in. It's a terrible feeling and I am so lost. Any advice wouldbe great and very much appreciated.


You want to make it right ? Do the right thing for him and you

*TELL HIM*


----------



## just got it 55

Kimberley17 said:


> Yes, the affair is done. I ended it to work on my marriage. No, he does not know about it. I am not looking for cheerleaders. Was seeking advice and I think I got some so thank you all. Seems we have lots of work to do so I am going to look into couples counseling and IC. I definitely need it. Thanks everyone.


Kim Sweety No judgement here Affairs are all about validation. You have to find that from within. IC first then MC for sure

Good luck you guys ave some work to do


----------



## ginger-snap

just got it 55 said:


> Kim Sweety No judgement here Affairs are all about validation. You have to find that from within. IC first then MC for sure
> 
> Good luck you guys ave some work to do


I think you missed her latest update saying it was over and done with, and she's much happier alone now.


----------



## just got it 55

Kimberley17 said:


> Update: we are now divorced and I am much happier alone.


YUP I missed that one


----------



## Kimberley17

treyvion said:


> You pointed out something that I haven't quite seen put in words.
> 
> How badly does it feel to "give in" to your husband? Does it feel like your betraying yourself? Does he appear like a brother to you now?


Yes, I felt as if I was betraying myself. It was a terrible feeling. I am so glad I no longer have to feel that way any more. I would cry after. Eventually it got to the point where I couldn't fake it and he felt it too. We tried marriage counseling but the reality was it was over so we decided to shut it down.


----------



## Kimberley17

treyvion said:


> If the husband did a physical transformation as such ( see before and after photos in attached link ), would that have maintained or regained your physical attraction?
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/private-members-section/63306-my-weight-loss-journal-8.html


If my husband looked like the before picture it would have been great but honestly, no, it wouldn't have made a difference. It was much deeper than looks.


----------



## treyvion

Kimberley17 said:


> If my husband looked like the before picture it would have been great but honestly, no, it wouldn't have made a difference. It was much deeper than looks.


Your right. Some people just don't mix well, and it's nothing to be angry about.


----------



## Kimberley17

northernlights said:


> I'm sorry it didn't work out, but glad to hear that you're doing well.
> 
> If you have time, I'd love to hear about how you guys made the decision to split and what's better now that you're apart. I'm on the fence myself and always appreciate the perspective.


Hi northernlights.. we tried counseling which was really too late as I was already checked out and had no positive feelings for him left. I practically begged him to go to counseling years earlier and he pretty much laughed at me and refused. The defining moment was when I asked the counselor if she thought I could get to where I used to be and her response was, "yes, but you have to ask yourself if you want to spend the rest of your life with him". I knew right then and there what had to be done because the answer was no. I was willing to stay for my kids but my husband said that is no way to live and we decided that night to end it. It wasn't that smooth as he wanted to work it out but I just told him I couldn't be who he wanted m to be. Our divorce was final 2 months ago and he's still bitter towards me at times but we co parent our kids rather well. If you don't mind sharing I'd like to hear more of your situation. And feel free to ask me anything. I would love to help you in any way I could.


----------



## dusty4

As long as he is free now, thats what is important. A betrayed spouse/partner deserves to know what their partner did behind their back.

But since the divorce is already done, as long as he is free from you, thats what is important.


----------



## lifeistooshort

Kimberley17 said:


> Hi northernlights.. we tried counseling which was really too late as I was already checked out and had no positive feelings for him left. I practically begged him to go to counseling years earlier and he pretty much laughed at me and refused. The defining moment was when I asked the counselor if she thought I could get to where I used to be and her response was, "yes, but you have to ask yourself if you want to spend the rest of your life with him". I knew right then and there what had to be done because the answer was no. I was willing to stay for my kids but my husband said that is no way to live and we decided that night to end it. It wasn't that smooth as he wanted to work it out but I just told him I couldn't be who he wanted m to be. Our divorce was final 2 months ago and he's still bitter towards me at times but we co parent our kids rather well. If you don't mind sharing I'd like to hear more of your situation. And feel free to ask me anything. I would love to help you in any way I could.



Isn't it ironic that when you beg for counseling because you're not happy and want to work it out you get laughed at but when you're ready to leave all of sudden they want it? Seems a little disingenuous doesn't it? My ex did the same thing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Kimberley17

lifeistooshort said:


> Isn't it ironic that when you beg for counseling because you're not happy and want to work it out you get laughed at but when you're ready to leave all of sudden they want it? Seems a little disingenuous doesn't it? My ex did the same thing.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yep, it's quite comical actually. I still struggle with feeling guilty for falling out of love with him along the way.


----------



## Kimberley17

dusty4 said:


> As long as he is free now, thats what is important. A betrayed spouse/partner deserves to know what their partner did behind their back.
> 
> But since the divorce is already done, as long as he is free from you, thats what is important.


I agree. It would be pointless to tell him now.


----------



## treyvion

Kimberley17 said:


> I agree. It would be pointless to tell him now.


Well you could tell him so he could have it in his knowledge base.

Maybe you where more unhappy because you did cheat, and for you to cope you had to detach to carry on like this. Creating a greater rift and eventually break in the relationship.


----------



## Deejo

It played out, it's done.

If you can't support the OP and instead feel compelled to take a shot on behalf of the man she is divorcing, do us a favor and don't post.


----------



## Kimberley17

treyvion said:


> Well you could tell him so he could have it in his knowledge base.
> 
> Maybe you where more unhappy because you did cheat, and for you to cope you had to detach to carry on like this. Creating a greater rift and eventually break in the relationship.


Now why would I tell him just for him to have it in his knowledgebase?? We are divorced. It's final. We are nothing more than co-parents to our beautiful children. I'm not sure I understand that thought process.


----------



## treyvion

Kimberley17 said:


> Now why would I tell him just for him to have it in his knowledgebase?? We are divorced. It's final. We are nothing more than co-parents to our beautiful children. I'm not sure I understand that thought process.


"Since it doesn't matter anymore, we weren't getting along and it wasn't working out because I was having an affair". 

That's what I was saying, but do what you want. Have a good day.


----------



## Kimberley17

treyvion said:


> "Since it doesn't matter anymore, we weren't getting along and it wasn't working out because I was having an affair".
> 
> That's what I was saying, but do what you want. Have a good day.


Just for the record I was having an affair once it was already bad. I didn't have an affair and then it got bad. Not that it matters I guess. It was wrong regardless.


----------



## treyvion

Kimberley17 said:


> Just for the record I was having an affair once it was already bad. I didn't have an affair and then it got bad. Not that it matters I guess. It was wrong regardless.


Peoples relationships when they are in long term relationships goes through "trials and tribulations", affairs, poor communication for several years of span are what they mean when they say it.

I was just saying that if it gets bad and you cheat, it's definately not going to make it better. It's an inherent detachment to be able to do it, I know cause I've done it.

I wasn't trying to bash you, but I hope that if you get that close to someone again you realize how you got into that particular position and this time are able to be successful.

Anyway, I know people are going to do what they are going to do, I'm not a fan of people being used and hurt unless it is for a really good reason.


----------



## Kimberley17

treyvion said:


> Peoples relationships when they are in long term relationships goes through "trials and tribulations", affairs, poor communication for several years of span are what they mean when they say it.
> 
> I was just saying that if it gets bad and you cheat, it's definately not going to make it better. It's an inherent detachment to be able to do it, I know cause I've done it.
> 
> I wasn't trying to bash you, but I hope that if you get that close to someone again you realize how you got into that particular position and this time are able to be successful.
> 
> Anyway, I know people are going to do what they are going to do, I'm not a fan of people being used and hurt unless it is for a really good reason.


I appreciate what you're saying. And if I ever do get that close to someone again I definitely plan to make different choices. Hopefully, the situation will be different. I do not make cheating a 'sport' but it worked for me at a really unhappy time in my life.


----------



## treyvion

Kimberley17 said:


> I appreciate what you're saying. And if I ever do get that close to someone again I definitely plan to make different choices. Hopefully, the situation will be different. I do not make cheating a 'sport' but it worked for me at a really unhappy time in my life.


Ok. I guilty of having done it for sport over 13 years ago... Hurt someone I respected and loved, and my next relationship was the type of relationship were I needed a website like this one for emotional and moral support. Got smashed.

If the ex had any doubt on himself remaining, ( and it sounds like he left with confidence like he was going to do it anyway ) then letting him know why it really didn't work out would provide clarity and closure. "Oh, now that makes sense..."

The part about all of this that really gets me off the rocker, is we can do everything right and it can happen again.


----------



## hambone

northernlights said:


> I can't answer for the OP, but I can answer for myself.
> 
> It feels like rape.
> 
> Men need to understand that they're not entitled to sex just because it's a need of theirs too. (Yes, too. Because OMG women list sex as a "need" too!).
> 
> I'm so sick of seeing women shamed for "withholding" sex and coerced on this board into giving it to their husbands. Sex is a gift freely given. If it's not, then we here can help a woman find out why she doesn't want to do it.
> 
> But the shaming? The coercion? The verbal abuse? Sickening.
> 
> There are good things about this site, but there are God-awful things about it too.


Do you know the difference between room mates and a married couple? 

I don't think some women understand how necessary sex is to a man to have a happy marriage...

The wife can screw up a lot of stuff.. and it's OK.. as long as he's happy in the bedroom


On the other hand, if he's not happy in the bedroom... When he's fussing at breakfast about the eggs... the toast isn't right... the milk taste bad... it has nothing to do with cooking...

For many man... that one thing overrides everything else...

If you want a happy husband... take care of him in the bedroom.


----------



## Kimberley17

treyvion said:


> Ok. I guilty of having done it for sport over 13 years ago... Hurt someone I respected and loved, and my next relationship was the type of relationship were I needed a website like this one for emotional and moral support. Got smashed.
> 
> If the ex had any doubt on himself remaining, ( and it sounds like he left with confidence like he was going to do it anyway ) then letting him know why it really didn't work out would provide clarity and closure. "Oh, now that makes sense..."
> 
> The part about all of this that really gets me off the rocker, is we can do everything right and it can happen again.


Well, the truth is if he was a better husband and was more involved maybe things would be different today. The affair was a result of things being bad. Not a reason for the divorce.


----------



## Tall Average Guy

Kimberley17 said:


> Well, the truth is if he was a better husband and was more involved maybe things would be different today. The affair was a result of things being bad. Not a reason for the divorce.


See, that is not really taking ownership. You chose to have an affair. You could have left over his poor treatment of you, but you did not. The affair is not the result of "things being bad" (sounds like something a politician would say), it is the result of you deciding to cheat.

Be a big girl and own your screw-up.


----------



## treyvion

Kimberley17 said:


> Well, the truth is if he was a better husband and was more involved maybe things would be different today. The affair was a result of things being bad. Not a reason for the divorce.


I believe she said they were crossed and lost respect well before she decided to step out of the relationship. Was it two years or more of deterioration?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dusty4

Kimberley17 said:


> Now why would I tell him just for him to have it in his knowledgebase?? We are divorced. It's final. We are nothing more than co-parents to our beautiful children. I'm not sure I understand that thought process.


The only reason would be if he is having difficulty trying to understand why you are divorced, and the why is you are a cheater. If he is having trouble with the why, that could help him get over it.

And more so if he thinks there might be a chance at getting back together in the future. If he knew what you did, he probably would not waste his time.

OR if he is thinking that its all his fault the marriage collapsed. While it is always the responsibility of 2 people to make the marriage work, it only takes one to commit a major offense such as cheating to put the nail in the coffin when there might have been a chance to work on the marriage. 

So if he is struggling and being hard on himself thinking its his fault, he needs to know that it is more on you than him, especially being the cheater.

Of course if he isn't struggling with the "why", and wants nothing to do with you, then leave him be I suppose.


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## dusty4

Kimberley17 said:


> I do not make cheating a 'sport' but it worked for me at a really unhappy time in my life.


I'm glad betraying someone worked for you



> Well, the truth is if he was a better husband and was more involved maybe things would be different today. The affair was a result of things being bad. Not a reason for the divorce.


I knew the blameshifting would come out sooner or later.



> Yes, he says he is attracted to me and he wants me to desire him.


This doesn't sound like a guy who doesn't want to be, or isn't, a better husband. You are putting all this blame on him as if you didn't have a part to play. You said it yourself, "the truth is if he was a better husband and was more involved" as if you were the best wife in the world.

Sorry, something doesn't jive. A guy that is attracted to his wife, as you admitted, and desires his wife to desire him doesn't scream of a lousy husband that wasn't involved or wasn't trying to be a better husband, or your idea of a perfect husband perhaps.

But we get it. It was all him, you did nothing wrong aside from the cheating, and even the cheating was his fault.


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## TCSRedhead

Folks - OP is banned. Not sure it really matters. A cheater will rewrite marital history to justify WHY they had an affair. So, maybe it was bad and maybe it wasn't.


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