# Do Women "Forget" or "Block Out" The Past?



## phoenix98 (Oct 16, 2015)

I'm in a significant relationship, all is well but wondering if women sometimes "forget" or "block out" episodes from the past. For both of us we are having the healthiest relationship of our adult lives, but for some reason my fiancé still blocks out a 3-6 month period of her life that happened a few years before we even met. She uncharacteristically had a string of one night stands, short term FWB's and dated men that she normally would not have dated. We talked about this period in her life earlier, moved on and I never held it over her head. 

But over the weekend we were talking about past relationships and what it was like before we met and she is still holding to the fact that she was with a small number of men before she met me after her divorce rather than the larger number of men that we discussed earlier. I didn't throw the larger number back in her face, just kept quiet about it when it came up. I know that she is really ashamed of this time period and it sounds like all of the encounters were not that great. Usually a quick, drunken tryst, then a walk or drive of shame back to her car. 

I'm not planning on re-hashing this period of her life with her. She got counseling, went back to church and got things back on track. I'm just intellectually curious to see if it normal for some women to cope with a dark period of their life by stuffing it in and forgetting about it.


----------



## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

The mind instantly manipulates what we call the past. What we remember is only our present interpretation of the information that was stored.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

This is actually a good sign, I think.

The importance of other men in her life are being diminished in favour of you. Plus, she's trying to recast herself in a new image, one that is probably more positive.


----------



## OpenWindows (Dec 25, 2015)

She could be blocking it out. I've done that. 
It could also be a difference in definition. If you ask me how many men I've had sex with, and how many I've dated/been involved with, the answers will be slightly different, because I don't count a one night stand as dating.


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

I dunno. I only know what happened in one women's head, out of 3 billions


----------



## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Sounds like she is rewriting her sexual history to make herself feel better about herself.

Of course this is not limited to women, but given that men don't generally mind being thought of has having lots of sex partners, it is probably a lot more common in women.


----------



## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Not just women, and not Just bad things.


----------



## Phil Anders (Jun 24, 2015)

Depends, they may, or may not...but they definitely remember everything _you_ ever did or said.:|


----------



## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

A 55 year old guy here but....at Christmas time I dug out some old photo albums because I was looking for a picture of my grandmother, and I found pictures of three girls I had dated and had sex with that I had absolutely forgot about. It was one of those wow moments for me, if you would have asked me I would have thought I could remember every girl I ever slept with.


----------



## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

OP, are you curious about her blanking it out or does that time period bother you?
If so, let it go and be happy if you've got a good relationship with her and realize she trusted you enough to share.

I think it's unhealthy if you guys end up repeating topics about the past. There is a certain point where you just talk about the present. There really is no upside for you to revisit this topic with her over the long term My .02

She's now minimizing that period because one, those ONS were not long term bfs, and two she probably does not want you to think of her as being promiscuous.

If she had a lot of ONS then yes, probably some she may not remember well. But totally forget? Hard to imagine that unless she had a really large number of them.


----------



## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

She's rewriting history. It would worry me she is capable of that.

It's a red flag OP. It's up to you to decide whether that means something or not.

Cheaters are notorious history rewriters. They have to be to justify their awful behavior.

I'm not saying she's going to cheat on you. Just be aware of this trait she has.


----------



## Lilac23 (Jul 9, 2015)

phoenix98 said:


> We talked about this period in her life earlier, moved on and *I never held it over her head*.


I am troubled by the bolded part, even if you have never held it over her head it seems to imply that you might _think you have the right too_.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

My old lady did the same thing...the only difference is my old lady was married to me....and yours wasn't!


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Lilac23 said:


> I am troubled by the bolded part, even if you have never held it over her head it seems to imply that you might _think you have the right too_.


I didn't read it that way at all. I saw him as preemptively answering the questions that were sure to come...


----------



## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

This is a tough one because if she is changing her story or afraid to give details it could be that she lied and does not recall the details of the lie. I know many will say they also forgot but OP and gf talked about this before and he remembers details that she is now omitting. 

OP accept that she admitted to playing around for a while and realize the play by play is a zero sum game. Absolutely nothing to be gain now since she already told you there was period of time she played around.

Do you trust her otherwise? Or are you afraid her character is flawed and that she could return to that stage? Have u guys discussed boundaries with OSF and is she in contact with any ex? 

Has she ever admitted to having cheated on a prior husband or bf? Did she ever knowingly engage with a married man? These last two are the ones I'd be most concerned about. The other crap is in the past so let it go. 

What's in your mind to make you post ?






BetrayedDad said:


> She's rewriting history. It would worry me she is capable of that.
> 
> It's a red flag OP. It's up to you to decide whether that means something or not.
> 
> ...


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

She may have forgotten that she had come 'clean' with you earlier. Whatever the reason, she doesn't want to think of herself in that light so she fudged the numbers. Why didn't you bring up the earlier convo with the larger numbers? She might have been embarrassed by the questioning but, then again, she did get herself into the predicament. 

The best thing is for both partners to be honest. One little lie here and there can become problematic. It's also insulting to you that she thinks she can pull the wool over your eyes.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Honestly? I never get why people keep bringing up a sexual past. If you already discussed it, both of you need to let it go.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Eh... she probably just doesn't want to talk about it.

Maybe you've said something in the past that came across as sort of "judgey" to her...?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## phoenix98 (Oct 16, 2015)

samyeagar said:


> I didn't read it that way at all. I saw him as preemptively answering the questions that were sure to come...


That's what I was trying to do. We discussed it months ago, it's in the past. But was more intellectually curious if some people plain old block out a period of time that they are not proud of. My fiancé is a well known professional in her field, but hit a rough patch. Had multiple issues such as unruly teens, work pressure and being dumped by an ex-boyfriend in a rather humiliating way. 

It casually came up in conversation last week when she said that of the 4-5 men she was intimate with between her divorce 10 years ago and now, I treat her the best. Based on the conversation we had a few months ago I know that number is double. I was no angel after my divorce 5 years ago and I really played the field. So even if I were to bring it up, she could throw it right back in my face that my number is even higher.


----------



## OpenWindows (Dec 25, 2015)

There is a very unpleasant guy that I dated and slept with. I regret it, and try not to think about it. When asked for my "number", I usually omit him. He only comes up if I'm having a true coming-clean conversation.

I think it's probably harmless. Most of us have done things we wish we could forget.


----------



## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Phoenix,

A perplexing question is why would she lie to you when she knows you already know the truth?

This was the same issue I had with my W who claimed to have forgotten about an entire affair.

The next day she was like oh I remember....then admitted to even less than before.

Tamat


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Given this...



OpenWindows said:


> I think it's probably harmless. Most of us have done things we wish we could forget.


...I don't really see the point in this...



OpenWindows said:


> There is a very unpleasant guy that I dated and slept with. I regret it, and try not to think about it. When asked for my "number", I usually omit him. He only comes up if I'm having a true coming-clean conversation.


If you're going to participate in the "numbers" conversation, why not answer honestly from the start?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## OpenWindows (Dec 25, 2015)

Also, if she was talking about the way these men treated her, she may have only been thinking of the ones she spent some time with. A one night stand doesn't really great you any way at all outside of bed, they're kind of a non-relationship. Just a thought.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

OpenWindows said:


> There is a very unpleasant guy that I dated and slept with. I regret it, and try not to think about it. When asked for my "number", I usually omit him. He only comes up if I'm having a true coming-clean conversation.
> 
> I think it's probably harmless. Most of us have done things we wish we could forget.


I think it is healthier to acknowledge our bad choices in life.

I have someone in my past like that.

I learned and became someone who made better choices after having slept with a horrible woman.

I'm proud of who I am today. She was a hard lesson.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

If the relationship is otherwise good you two need to get away from this topic.

She minimized the number and you seem to know that. Would have been beat addressee right at that moment to say "babe you shared earlier the number was higher. I'm not condemning you but I'd rather have honesty. I'm not holding the past against you but I think we should forget the past as a topic and focus on us."

But, now you either have to let it slide if you can let it go or if you can't, just tell her "remember when you told me I'm the best dude? Your number was lower than you told me before and insert quote from above.

As long as she is no contacting exes, no cheating history, and no dating of married men I'd bury this and move on.



phoenix98 said:


> samyeagar said:
> 
> 
> > I didn't read it that way at all. I saw him as preemptively answering the questions that were sure to come...
> ...


----------



## OpenWindows (Dec 25, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> If you're going to participate in the "numbers" conversation, why not answer honestly from the start?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It depends on who I'm having that conversation with. I don't owe a friend full disclosure, in the same way I would a sexual partner. So when I do the quick mental tally, and that guy gets skipped over because I try not to think about him much. He doesn't get counted into the quick math, just the really serious stuff.


----------



## OpenWindows (Dec 25, 2015)

ConanHub said:


> I think it is healthier to acknowledge our bad choices in life.
> 
> I have someone in my past like that.
> 
> ...


I agree. But I can learn from something and then put it behind me, there's no need to dwell on ugliness.


----------



## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Do *people* forget or block out bad stuff in their lives? Um, of course... but not all people, not all bad stuff and no one on here would have a clue what's going on in her head.

What I don't get is why it's coming up again. You've talked about it, it's been aired, no point in going over it again.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

OpenWindows said:


> It depends on who I'm having that conversation with. I don't owe a friend full disclosure, in the same way I would a sexual partner. So when I do the quick mental tally, and that guy gets skipped over because I try not to think about him much. He doesn't get counted into the quick math, just the really serious stuff.


Fair enough, I suppose.

I hadn't considered that people might be having the "numbers" conversation w/ anyone that wasn't _at least_ a prospective sex partner.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

phoenix98 said:


> That's what I was trying to do. We discussed it months ago, it's in the past. But was more intellectually curious if some people plain old block out a period of time that they are not proud of. My fiancé is a well known professional in her field, but hit a rough patch. Had multiple issues such as unruly teens, work pressure and being dumped by an ex-boyfriend in a rather humiliating way.
> 
> *It casually came up in conversation last week when she said that of the 4-5 men she was intimate with between her divorce 10 years ago and now, I treat her the best.* Based on the conversation we had a few months ago I know that number is double. I was no angel after my divorce 5 years ago and I really played the field. So even if I were to bring it up, she could throw it right back in my face that my number is even higher.


Perhaps she doesn't view drunken trysts as intimacy?


----------



## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

OpenWindows said:


> It depends on who I'm having that conversation with. I don't owe a friend full disclosure, in the same way I would a sexual partner. So when I do the quick mental tally, and that guy gets skipped over because I try not to think about him much. He doesn't get counted into the quick math, just the really serious stuff.


I don't understand why you need to lie. A lie of omission is still a lie regardless of how you try to justify it to yourself.

You're right. You absolutely owe no one full disclosure but if you going to answer the question then ANSWER it.

You have two options: "XX number of people" or "None of your business". Instead you lie about it, having the friend think you were truthful.

I'm amazed at the mental gymnastics some people will go through to feel better about something. So you slept with a sh!tty person. Who hasn't honestly?


----------



## OpenWindows (Dec 25, 2015)

BetrayedDad said:


> I don't understand why you need to lie. A lie of omission is still a lie regardless of how you try to justify it to yourself.
> 
> You're right. You absolutely owe no one full disclosure but if you going to answer the question then ANSWER it.
> 
> ...


I think you miss the point. I'm not intentionally omitting him, like "Oh, I'll skip over Bob.". When I mentally count relationships, he doesn't appear on that mental list. I casually think about the timeline, and he's not there... Maybe because he didn't affect me as deeply as guys I really cared about. He only crosses my mind when I'm giving it serious thought. The rest of the time, he's basically forgotten.


----------



## phoenix98 (Oct 16, 2015)

We had the "numbers" discussion a while ago, cleared the air and put it behind us. Yes it bugs me that she had these tawdry affairs, because if you met her you wouldn't think that she is capable of it. But, she hit a rough patch, quit going to church, did these things, got counseling and got back to being the conservative Christian woman that she is. Just thought it was odd that she gave me one number, when we both know the number is double. Not judging her, our stories are similar in our post-divorce years. 

The other thing that I think is odd is that she doesn't care about the number of women I slept with, but is more concerned about why I stuck around in two bad relationships for over a year. 

Guess I'm trying to figure out how the female mind works. Idle thoughts on a boring work day.


----------



## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

OpenWindows said:


> I think you miss the point. I'm not intentionally omitting him, like "Oh, I'll skip over Bob.". When I mentally count relationships, he doesn't appear on that mental list. I casually think about the timeline, and he's not there... Maybe because he didn't affect me as deeply as guys I really cared about. He only crosses my mind when I'm giving it serious thought. The rest of the time, he's basically forgotten.


I assumed you meant you were intentionally doing this. If it's a lapse of memory because it was a brief relationship then that's fine. Everyone makes mental math errors.


----------



## OpenWindows (Dec 25, 2015)

phoenix98 said:


> The other thing that I think is odd is that she doesn't care about the number of women I slept with, but is more concerned about why I stuck around in two bad relationships for over a year.


This doesn't seem odd to me. I don't think the number of women says a lot about a man's character. But how he handled his relationships says a lot.

I've never asked my BF how many women he's slept with. But I definitely asked why the long term relationships ended.


----------



## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Personally I'd rather you mention what you said here about the guy then to have you omit him and down the road he gets mentioned. Omissions are where as I guy I'd want to know what you are hiding.

Obviously Mr Unpleasant is significant enough to have left of an impression that he's the one mention you want to forget but yet speak about the most.... 



OpenWindows said:


> There is a very unpleasant guy that I dated and slept with. I regret it, and try not to think about it. When asked for my "number", I usually omit him. He only comes up if I'm having a true coming-clean conversation.
> 
> I think it's probably harmless. Most of us have done things we wish we could forget.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> Do Women "Forget" or "Block Out" The Past?


No. Women do not.

However, people do this. Often after something traumatic has happened to them.

Suddenly acting out of character such as multiple sexual partners, FWBs, dating inappropriate men?

Then forgetting that period in her life?

I think it is likely the two events may be linked.

Would counselling help her find out what happened?

Probably. Yet sometimes it is better to let sleeping dogs lie.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

phoenix98 said:


> We had the "numbers" discussion a while ago, cleared the air and put it behind us. Yes it bugs me that she had these tawdry affairs, because if you met her you wouldn't think that she is capable of it. But, she hit a rough patch, quit going to church, did these things, got counseling and got back to being the conservative Christian woman that she is. Just thought it was odd that she gave me one number, when we both know the number is double. Not judging her, our stories are similar in our post-divorce years.
> 
> The other thing that I think is odd is that she doesn't care about the number of women I slept with, but is more concerned about why I stuck around in two bad relationships for over a year.
> 
> Guess I'm trying to figure out how the female mind works. Idle thoughts on a boring work day.


Let me illustrate something. 

My wife dug my old high school yearbook out of my moms basement some months ago. And flipped through it, and came across my girlfriend of the time's handwriting in it. 

Which included a very sexually explicit passage about pleasing me, and how much she loved me, and would do anything for me. I had forgotten all about this girl. 

Guess what she had a problem with?

That I broke her heart.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## OpenWindows (Dec 25, 2015)

jdawg2015 said:


> Personally I'd rather you mention what you said here about the guy then to have you omit him and down the road he gets mentioned. Omissions are where as I guy I'd want to know what you are hiding.
> 
> Obviously Mr Unpleasant is significant enough to have left of an impression that he's the one mention you want to forget but yet speak about the most....


I see where you're coming from. 

But your last bit confuses me, about speaking about him the most. The question was "Do women block out or forget?". I'm speaking about him here because he's the one I choose to forget. Why would I speak here about the others I'm okay with?


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

OpenWindows said:


> I see where you're coming from.
> 
> But your last bit confuses me, about speaking about him the most. The question was "Do women block out or forget?". I'm speaking about him here because he's the one I choose to forget. Why would I speak here about the others I'm okay with?


I got where you were coming from.

You would discuss the bad one with your SO if you were both having that discussion, unless I misread what you were saying?

Casual acquaintances need not know. Correct?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## OpenWindows (Dec 25, 2015)

ConanHub said:


> I got where you were coming from.
> 
> You would discuss the bad one with your SO if you were both having that discussion, unless I misread what you were saying?
> 
> ...


Absolutely correct. I don't actively hide or lie about him. But discussing why I was with him requires explaining a very difficult and painful time in my life, and I'm selective about who I share that with. Mostly i don't think about him, because it's an emotionally loaded subject for me.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

OpenWindows said:


> Absolutely correct. I don't actively hide or lie about him. But discussing why I was with him requires explaining a very difficult and painful time in my life, and I'm selective about who I share that with. Mostly i don't think about him, because it's an emotionally loaded subject for me.


I agree. Only my wife and a couple we are very close with know about my bad one.

Nobody else has any business knowing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

*Re: Do Women &quot;Forget&quot; or &quot;Block Out&quot; The Past?*

Rewriting History 101. I almost divorced my wife seven years ago over her antics regarding our older daughter and her choice of college major. Also lots of behavior "unbecoming a parent".

Daughter graduated magna cum laude and is now on a fully funded top ten graduate program. My wife has no recollection of her behavior during those years. 

I could show her some of her own words captured very elegantly by the house security DVR but it won't make any difference....

We're headed for divorce next year so it makes little difference to me at this point.


----------



## imperfectworld (Jan 18, 2015)

marduk said:


> Let me illustrate something.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Really good story, thanks for sharing. I always get excited to read these threads because I get another angle on this Big Question. Sometimes I feel like I'm closer to understanding the answer, and just a moment later it feels like it slips through my fingers...


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You proved yourself unsafe to be honest with. BTDT. I'm so sick of men wanting to go out and see how many women they can screw in a year, but when it comes to their wife or girlfriend, well, SHE'd better not be one of those 'types' of women who did the screwing, right?

My ex-fiance also had 'that talk' with me, wanting to know my past. So I stupidly told him. Which he then used against me, just like your first post. Learned MY lesson. I never told my husband a single word about my sexual past, and never will.

'Never held it over her head?' 

'tawdry affairs?'

Give me a break.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

phoenix98 said:


> It casually came up in conversation last week when she said that of the 4-5 men she was intimate with between her divorce 10 years ago and now, I treat her the best. Based on the conversation we had a few months ago I know that number is double.


You DO realize that 'intimate' with a woman means DISCUSSION AND FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS...not sex? Right?

Men see 'intimate' as penis in vagina. Women see 'intimate' as feelings. Women also often 'give' men sex to make them happy, even if they don't want it themselves. Or to avoid unpleasantness. Or to get another date. Or to not get dumped. Or all kinds of reasons. Been like that for thousands of years.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

turnera said:


> You DO realize that 'intimate' with a woman means DISCUSSION AND FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS...not sex? Right?
> 
> *Men see 'intimate' as penis in vagina. Women see 'intimate' as feelings.* Women also often 'give' men sex to make them happy, even if they don't want it themselves. Or to avoid unpleasantness. Or to get another date. Or to not get dumped. Or all kinds of reasons. Been like that for thousands of years.


You understand why, right?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

phoenix98 said:


> I'm in a significant relationship, all is well but wondering if women sometimes "forget" or "block out" episodes from the past.
> 
> I'm just intellectually curious to see if it normal for some women to cope with a dark period of their life by stuffing it in and forgetting about it.


*Let's just say that as far as my RSXW is concerned, she has safely eradicated from her memory banks any recollection of having driven to her BF's hometowns and summarily spread her thighs for them!

She would rather lie about it, when the absolute truth would sound better!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

I agree mostly with keeping the past in the past. But if you had a history of an affair, sexual deviace (threesome), dating a married guy, etc and your husband asked those questions would you have told him the truth?

Talking about the past is lose-lose.



turnera said:


> You proved yourself unsafe to be honest with. BTDT. I'm so sick of men wanting to go out and see how many women they can screw in a year, but when it comes to their wife or girlfriend, well, SHE'd better not be one of those 'types' of women who did the screwing, right?
> 
> My ex-fiance also had 'that talk' with me, wanting to know my past. So I stupidly told him. Which he then used against me, just like your first post. Learned MY lesson. I never told my husband a single word about my sexual past, and never will.
> 
> ...


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

jdawg2015 said:


> I agree mostly with keeping the past in the past. But if you had a history of an affair, sexual deviace (threesome), dating a married guy, etc and your husband asked those questions would you have told him the truth?
> 
> Talking about the past is lose-lose.


Is that what the OP is saying she's hiding? I didn't see that.

But to answer your question, it would depend. Stuff I did that I'm not proud of, I did when I was 16 and 17, and I've never done anything remotely like that since, 40 years. So if I met someone now who asked me, and I had done those things back then and never since? No, I wouldn't tell. It's not a reflection on who I am, it's not an indicator of future actions. 

Now, if this is stuff she's been doing all along, or in the past few years, sure, she should let him know of the kinds of choices she's been making. Because that will be indicative of what she might do in the future.


----------



## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

turnera said:


> You proved yourself unsafe to be honest with. BTDT. I'm so sick of men wanting to go out and see how many women they can screw in a year, but when it comes to their wife or girlfriend, well, SHE'd better not be one of those 'types' of women who did the screwing, right?
> 
> My ex-fiance also had 'that talk' with me, wanting to know my past. So I stupidly told him. Which he then used against me, just like your first post. Learned MY lesson. I never told my husband a single word about my sexual past, and never will.
> 
> ...


What do you mean when you say he used it against you? That he would bring it up or did he use the information to coerce you or something else?


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Oh, let's see...this was 40+ years ago. Things along the lines of...

"You're obviously a ****, so I better not hear you saying no when *I* want to do that."

"What makes you so high and mighty that you can question me? Look at what YOU did, when you didn't even know the guy?"

"What, you think you're too good to do that? You obviously do everything under the sun with every guy who walks by, and you say no to me?"

"I'm not sure I can keep dating you. You're not the kind of person my parents will approve of, once they hear what you've done before you met me."

Stuff like that.

Of course, all the while, he wanted pornstar sex with me, every position imaginable, and it was always all about him. So he wanted what he criticized me of doing, yet used it to keep me from daring to think I was on ok person just because of stupid things I'd done before I met him, trying to fit in (after getting dumped by 3 guys in a row because I WOULDN'T put out).


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

turnera said:


> Is that what the OP is saying she's hiding? I didn't see that.
> 
> But to answer your question, it would depend. Stuff I did that I'm not proud of, I did when I was 16 and 17, and I've never done anything remotely like that since, 40 years. So if I met someone now who asked me, and I had done those things back then and never since? No, I wouldn't tell. It's not a reflection on who I am, it's not an indicator of future actions.
> 
> Now, if this is stuff she's been doing all along, or in the past few years, sure, she should let him know of the kinds of choices she's been making. Because that will be indicative of what she might do in the future.


You do understand that many, maybe most, people don't want to know a sexual history from their SO to hurt them, right?

Mrs. Conan knows everything and vice versa.

We both have some experiences we absolutely hate that we participated in but knowing each other fully has helped us understand each other so much better and we are far more intimate than before.

I would be far more worried about a lie of any kind than about stupid sexual behaviors from the past.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

turnera said:


> Oh, let's see...this was 40+ years ago. Things along the lines of...
> 
> "You're obviously a ****, so I better not hear you saying no when *I* want to do that."
> 
> ...


Clearly idiots who aren't worth your time. At all!

Those are not statements from someone that loves you.

Sorry you ran into such a bastard/s.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> Clearly idiots who aren't worth your time. At all!
> 
> Those are not statements from someone that loves you.
> 
> ...


Who are not the OP, nor most men.


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I'm not happy about some decisions I made after my divorce. I had what turned out to be a "rebound" with a longtime friend (even though I'd not dated at ALL for one full year post divorce), then I tried to date a guy with NPD and got totally love-bombed, then I finally found a great guy for 8 months who just wasn't ready to grow up. 

I have periods I'd probably like to block out, and maybe I have somewhat. I told my SO everything, and he was great about it. My ex H was jealous of anything I did before he even existed. 

Unless it's really bordering on unhealthy denial, I wouldn't sweat it too much if your SO is blocking out some things. From personal experience, I'm so crazy about my SO, the only time I really mention my ex is here.


----------



## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

turnera said:


> Oh, let's see...this was 40+ years ago. Things along the lines of...
> 
> "You're obviously a ****, so I better not hear you saying no when *I* want to do that."
> 
> ...


Well he certainly sounds like an a$$.

Thanks, I've heard people talk about the past being used against them before. I never really understood in what way. It makes more sense to me now.


----------



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
there are lots of people. They do things for different reasons.

There are things in my past that I prefer not to think about - things that are really none of anyone else's business. The flip side of this is that I have never tried to get my wife to tell me more about her past than she decided to offer. I do not know how many partners she had before me, or who was the first - and I never plan to ask. If she some day tells me, it would be vaguely interesting, but it doesn't *matter*. She is with me now, and I have no fear at all that someone else will take her away, or might have been "better" than me. I'm confident in my own awesomeness. 

I have never understood why a partner's sexual past matters so much to some people. If it does, then that needs to be discussed and cleared up long before marriage. As far as I'm concerned, once you marry someone, you are accepting everything that they were before that marriage. You are not of course accepting anything they did afterwards.


----------



## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

samyeagar said:


> Who are not the OP, nor most men.


Not sure that's totally fair as OP has an issue with his lady because she's changed her story so it's raised a flag.

He sounds like he has a touch of retroactive jealousy so this topic is something they should get past.

OP do you think you have retroactive jealousy? Or is it just the change of story?


----------



## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

This is why the past is lose-lose. The person sharing risks getting shamed and the person who receives the information my then see their partner is a different light.

Definitely a delicate conversation.

If a person asks I think it's best to not lie but say that the topic even for the most benign stuff can lead to hurt feelings so I'd rather not share. Even if they say they can handle it.




turnera said:


> Oh, let's see...this was 40+ years ago. Things along the lines of...
> 
> "You're obviously a ****, so I better not hear you saying no when *I* want to do that."
> 
> ...


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

jdawg2015 said:


> I agree mostly with keeping the past in the past. But if you had a history of an affair, sexual deviace (threesome), dating a married guy, etc and your husband asked those questions would you have told him the truth?
> 
> Talking about the past is lose-lose.


Why is a 3 some a sexual deviance?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## phoenix98 (Oct 16, 2015)

jdawg2015 said:


> Not sure that's totally fair as OP has an issue with his lady because she's changed her story so it's raised a flag.
> 
> He sounds like he has a touch of retroactive jealousy so this topic is something they should get past.
> 
> OP do you think you have retroactive jealousy? Or is it just the change of story?


Honestly more of trying to figure women out. She gave me a ballpark number when we first started dating and I gave her a ballpark. Then when things got really serious I didn't want her to get hit by a curveball and admitted a few trysts of my own that I was not very proud of. These were things that came up in my divorce and my kids knew about them. Didn't want my kids to make a snide remark in front of her and have her wondering what I did. At that point she admitted her few months of really going off the rails because she didn't want me to be surprised by anything either. 

Kind of forgot about them until she mentioned this past weekend how I was better than the 5 guys she slept with after her divorce in that I know how to kiss and generally make her feel good. I was smart enough to keep my mouth shut and not bring up the other 5.


----------



## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Ok gotcha. 

But I would play mind games too if she was complimenting me by COMPARING to her past. A backhanded compliment I guess? Or has no EQ.



phoenix98 said:


> Kind of forgot about them until she mentioned this past weekend how I was better than the 5 guys she slept with after her divorce in that I know how to kiss and generally make her feel good. I was smart enough to keep my mouth shut and not bring up the other 5.


----------



## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

It's just my personal belief. Does not mean I have not thought about it but I know it's not for me.

The idea that I would be with someone in a relationship and then invite a third party to have group sex is something beyond what I consider normal. For me sex is more than just sex and it's the way I'm wired.

This is my boundary. If any woman told me she had a threesome I would part ways.




marduk said:


> Why is a 3 some a sexual deviance?


----------



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I wish there was a way to bring this up early in relationships. For some people past sexual experience is really important, for others it doesn't matter at all. Its OK for people to care about what they care about - but it would be sad for a relationship go to a long time before a couple discovered that they had very different ideas about this.


----------



## OpenWindows (Dec 25, 2015)

phoenix98 said:


> Honestly more of trying to figure women out. She gave me a ballpark number when we first started dating and I gave her a ballpark. Then when things got really serious I didn't want her to get hit by a curveball and admitted a few trysts of my own that I was not very proud of. These were things that came up in my divorce and my kids knew about them. Didn't want my kids to make a snide remark in front of her and have her wondering what I did. At that point she admitted her few months of really going off the rails because she didn't want me to be surprised by anything either.
> 
> Kind of forgot about them until she mentioned this past weekend how I was better than the 5 guys she slept with after her divorce in that I know how to kiss and generally make her feel good. I was smart enough to keep my mouth shut and not bring up the other 5.


It sounds like that ballpark number is her default, so to speak. If you were to say, "Quick, how many?" its the number that would pop out. Maybe she's not proud of some, and only thinks about them when she thinks deep. It doesn't sound like she was trying to lie to you, she was just doing that quick mental tally and her brain wasn't producing the ones she didn't like. Brains are weird like that. I bet if you'd said, "Wait, only five?" she would have stopped short and corrected herself.

I think you only have reason to worry if she outright denies the others ever happened. But mostly, you're probably thinking about this number a lot more than she was at the time!


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

jdawg2015 said:


> It's just my personal belief. Does not mean I have not thought about it but I know it's not for me.
> 
> The idea that I would be with someone in a relationship and then invite a third party to have group sex is something beyond what I consider normal. For me sex is more than just sex and it's the way I'm wired.
> 
> This is my boundary. If any woman told me she had a threesome I would part ways.


Even if it were with 2 other women and no men involved?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

marduk said:


> Even if it were with 2 other women and no men involved?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's weird and I was with three girls once.

I wouldn't hold it against a woman obviously.

I think it was a bad idea and if a woman had current values in line with mine then no biggy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## imperfectworld (Jan 18, 2015)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> 
> I wish there was a way to bring this up early in relationships. For some people past sexual experience is really important, for others it doesn't matter at all. Its OK for people to care about what they care about - but it would be sad for a relationship go to a long time before a couple discovered that they had very different ideas about this.



I present to you a mystery. In the last RJ thread I participated in, we figured out that it hit us all almost exactly at the 20 year mark. Prior to that mark it mattered not a bit.


----------



## JJXmomma (Feb 1, 2016)

I have definitely blocked out things from my past that were painful. It's actually a little scary when I think how the mind works. I don't know if females do it more than males though. One time my husband reminded me of a car accident I had (minor accident where I was at fault) and I had seriously forgotten about it and told him I had no idea what he was talking about. He was acting like I was crazy and went into more detail and then I remembered and actually started crying because it happened during a really tough time for me. I had seriously blocked it out but of course with prompting the memory came back. It kind of makes me wonder if there have been other things I blocked out. I do know that I blocked some things out as a kid.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

I find it fascinating how many men make their women think about what it was like to have sex with other men...

... because they're insecure about them having sex with other men.


----------



## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Could not do it and look at my wife/gf the same again. I'd feel she didn't value me enough to want to be exclusive.


Just so you know that I'm not full of sh}t either, I live in Sukhumvit in downtown Bangkok. I could literally walk 200 meters and get ANYTHING I want. Literally the boys playground of the world. But I have never taken a prostitute nor do I ever want too. Something about hookers I also find repulsive. 

I don't fault they guys who do it. I'm an attractive guy and know it so I don't need to pay to get laid. 



marduk said:


> Even if it were with 2 other women and no men involved?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
interesting, no idea why. My brain just isn't wired that way, so its very difficult for me to understand the feelings that other people have about this. 




imperfectworld said:


> I present to you a mystery. In the last RJ thread I participated in, we figured out that it hit us all almost exactly at the 20 year mark. Prior to that mark it mattered not a bit.


----------



## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

It's been my experience that all of us hide things in our past, whether consciously or unconsciously. The thing is, it's in the past. Leave it there, as long as it isn't affecting the present. Curiosity can get the better of us if we allow it, and sometimes the past may not be something we actually "want" or "need" to hear about.

When it comes to the past, women think differently than men because of certain stigmas surrounding sexual conquests or relationships. If a woman has been with more than just a few men, some may think that she was promiscuous. On the other hand, it is not unusual for men to have had several women before marriage.

Delving into the past is something that should happen during courtship, and should be an open conversation without judgment. If you find out something that is a deal breaker, it's better to find that out BEFORE committing to a long term relationship. Otherwise, finding anything that would've been a deal breaker after the fact will only lead to resentment and /or a broken heart.


----------



## phoenix98 (Oct 16, 2015)

JJXmomma said:


> I have definitely blocked out things from my past that were painful. It's actually a little scary when I think how the mind works. I don't know if females do it more than males though. One time my husband reminded me of a car accident I had (minor accident where I was at fault) and I had seriously forgotten about it and told him I had no idea what he was talking about. He was acting like I was crazy and went into more detail and then I remembered and actually started crying because it happened during a really tough time for me. I had seriously blocked it out but of course with prompting the memory came back. It kind of makes me wonder if there have been other things I blocked out. I do know that I blocked some things out as a kid.


Guess I'm wondering if this is the reason. That particular year was rather traumatic for her. A perfect storm of an old relationship making her look like a fool at work (an inter-office romance that went south), a house of unruly teens that were pushing her buttons, a really big, time consuming project at work and other family issues. Throw in some pre-menopausal hormones for good measure and her life was out of wack for half the year. But got counseling, went back to church and returned to being the typical, suburban professional she is today.


----------



## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Marduk,

You wrote, *Even if it were with 2 other women and no men involved?*

And have to be suspect of not just my Ws interactions with men but with other women too?

No thank you, twice the opportunity to cheat.

Tamat


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

TAMAT said:


> Marduk,
> 
> You wrote, *Even if it were with 2 other women and no men involved?*
> 
> ...


Just curious if it was about men in particular, or the act, or what.

For example, I've had a 3-some when I was single. So what?

But I for sure will never share that with my wife. There's no way I would put those mind movies in her head or make her think she has to compete with two women, when the experience was really kind of weird and complicated.


----------



## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

marduk said:


> Just curious if it was about men in particular, or the act, or what.
> 
> For example, I've had a 3-some when I was single. So what?
> 
> But I for sure will never share that with my wife. There's no way I would put those mind movies in her head or make her think she has to compete with two women, when the experience was really kind of weird and complicated.


Because my thought process is that someone who desires such a situation would likely be of the character to want to repeat it.

Look at what you wrote. As I read it, the ONLY reason you don't want to do it again is because of your wife, not an innate belief. It's an external influence not internal. So that is why I would not want someone who's been in a threesome.

By the way, when you wrote "so what" your question is no longer objective and actually shows that you are assuming my position is wrong/irrational/etc. I have a boundary. Group sex is not something I could accept a partner to have a history of doing. It's a deal killer for me. Even if she was single when she did it. 

Imagine a single woman does it with a married couple. I find it repulsive and low class.


----------



## OpenWindows (Dec 25, 2015)

jdawg2015 said:


> Because my thought process is that someone who desires such a situation would likely be of the character to want to repeat it.
> 
> Look at what you wrote. As I read it, the ONLY reason you don't want to do it again is because of your wife, not an innate belief. It's an external influence not internal. So that is why I would not want someone who's been in a threesome.


To expand on that idea a bit... What if a woman told you she had a threesome, but she hated it, regretted it, and never wished to do it again? Would that change anything for you?


----------



## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

jdawg2015 said:


> Could not do it and look at my wife/gf the same again. I'd feel she didn't value me enough to want to be exclusive.
> 
> 
> Just so you know that I'm not full of sh}t either, I live in Sukhumvit in downtown Bangkok. I could literally walk 200 meters and get ANYTHING I want. Literally the boys playground of the world. But I have never taken a prostitute nor do I ever want too. Something about hookers I also find repulsive.
> ...


There is also the issue of STDs...


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

turnera said:


> I never told my husband a single word about my sexual past, and never will.


I'm pretty much in this camp. My SO and I have never really discussed our sexual pasts in any great detail. Other than the fact that we were both married before (so obviously had sex with those partners) we simply don't delve into that subject. Other than a brief "STD conversation" and "birth control conversation" early on, I have no desire to and he doesn't either.

I have nothing to hide, and nothing to tell either.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

jdawg2015 said:


> Because my thought process is that someone who desires such a situation would likely be of the character to want to repeat it.
> 
> Look at what you wrote. As I read it, the ONLY reason you don't want to do it again is because of your wife, not an innate belief. It's an external influence not internal. So that is why I would not want someone who's been in a threesome.
> 
> ...


Actually, in full transparency... having done it, it's no longer something that I would really persue that hard.

The fantasy of the thing was far, far larger than the reality of the thing. I have had opportunities for 3-domes since, in committed relationships. And always said no.

Because since I experienced the complicated reality of it, I wasn't willing to risk the relationship over it. And no matter what people say before hand, once you see parts of your partner go into another person... You don't know how you're going to feel about it for sure until you experience it. And then maybe it's too late.

And the "so what" is actually totally objective. Meaning, I don't put a lot of symbolic value on that -- just like I don't think a woman that likes sex and has sex before she met me is devalued because of that.

Do you think a woman who likes sex is low character, or low class? 

Because calling me low class because I had a 3-some is BS. Or is it just the women that had a 3-some that are low class, not the men?


----------



## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I think she's lying and hopes that you forgot about the time you talked about that dark period in her past. She's probably relieved that you haven't brought it up again. If this is a deal breaker for you, you should move on. It absolutely did happen, I'm just surprised that she told you about it. She probably feels that it's perfectly ok for her to have the "dark time" in her life and if she just forgets about it and doesn't talk about it anymore, it's the same as it never happening. I would be concerned if she would rationalize away doing this again while she's seeing you.


----------



## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Having sex vs a threesome for me is definitely not the same category.

This is not a right/wrong per se. But it totally relates to values and belief. 

I would find is entirely degrading for me or my wife/gf to engage in sex with someone else.



marduk said:


> Actually, in full transparency... having done it, it's no longer something that I would really persue that hard.
> 
> The fantasy of the thing was far, far larger than the reality of the thing. I have had opportunities for 3-domes since, in committed relationships. And always said no.
> 
> ...


----------



## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

A partner with a past of having been in a threesome would be an unconditional deal breaker for me. 



OpenWindows said:


> To expand on that idea a bit... What if a woman told you she had a threesome, but she hated it, regretted it, and never wished to do it again? Would that change anything for you?


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

jdawg2015 said:


> A partner with a past of having been in a threesome would be an unconditional deal breaker for me.


When I was dating my ex-fiance, when I was 16 to 19, I probably would have done whatever he told me to do, including a threesome. Does that make me an evil person?


----------



## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

For me it would be an immediate deal breaker even in that case.

Has nothing to do with someone being evil.



turnera said:


> When I was dating my ex-fiance, when I was 16 to 19, I probably would have done whatever he told me to do, including a threesome. Does that make me an evil person?


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Wow. Good to know.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

jdawg2015 said:


> Having sex vs a threesome for me is definitely not the same category.
> 
> This is not a right/wrong per se. But it totally relates to values and belief.
> 
> I would find is entirely degrading for me or my wife/gf to engage in sex with someone else.


I think it's ok to find it degrading if you do something.

I think it's very much not ok if you think someone is degrading themselves by doing something that they want to do. 

That's how people feel judged, and close themselves off sex wise.


----------



## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

There was a short (less than a year) period of..."questionable behavior" on my wife's part that was rugswept and not dealt with for many, many years. When it had eaten at me enough that I needed to do something about it, I worked on my conversation with her 1,000 times in my head with EVERY possible sharp turn the conversation could take. Except:

"I don't remember".

Blew me away. It is a stance she would have to this day should I bring it up again. I know my wife is lying, but she will take that lie to her grave. She CAN. Nobody can tell her she really DOES remember.

To the poster that forgot three out of the many he slept with, proving it CAN happen? You forgot a few out of many, but at least remember there were "many". She "forgot" that she had a wild time. My wife had a wild time. Not as wild as YOUR wife's, but she remembers. Yours does too. I'd bet a lot on it.


----------



## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

OliviaG said:


> Do you think she forgot telling you about that period in her life? Maybe she thinks you don't know and decided in the moment that she'd rather keep it that way?


I can guarantee it.


----------



## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

marduk, I track with some many of your posts but your logic doesn't fly here.

If an educated woman sells her body just for money, that is degrading herself. Makes no difference if she chooses to or not.

I don't want to close anyone off to what they want to do. But I also want the choice to KNOW that that person has engaged in the behavior and let me decide if I want to also be associated with them or not as a partner.

A part of me views a threesome as cheating in the open.



marduk said:


> I think it's ok to find it degrading if you do something.
> 
> I think it's very much not ok if you think someone is degrading themselves by doing something that they want to do.
> 
> That's how people feel judged, and close themselves off sex wise.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

jdawg2015 said:


> marduk, I track with some many of your posts but your logic doesn't fly here.
> 
> If an educated woman sells her body just for money, that is degrading herself. Makes no difference if she chooses to or not.
> 
> ...


I look at it as a different lifestyle, different sexual views... some engage in sex purely for the pleasure of it, they want to try everything.. the more the merrier, meaning people, variety.... but then some of us look at it as an emotional bonding thing...what that brings to our union... it's very special... anything outside of this would not be acceptable to us.. the sky would be the limit for just the 2 of us.. but never bringing another into it... 

A man who has enjoyed that sort of thing would be a deal breaker for me too...


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

jdawg2015 said:


> marduk, I track with some many of your posts but your logic doesn't fly here.
> 
> If an educated woman sells her body just for money, that is degrading herself. Makes no difference if she chooses to or not.
> 
> ...


My point is this.

You don't get to decide for other people what is degrading. Of course people judge other people all the time. 

However, a sure fire way to shut down sexual openness in a marriage is when a husband reacts in a judgemental way about his wife's sexual history. 

Let's say you're married. Let's say your wife discloses that she was once with another woman one night long ago. 

If you judge her, even internally, you'll close doors to her sexuality.

If you explore it in a non-judgemental way, you'll kick them wide open. 

At the end of the day people want to be accepted and loved. 

Assuming you'd stay married to her of course.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

Heck, I can't even remember all of the women I've had sex with. Of course, that's probably because I was too wasted for a percentage of them, and even people with a clear memory probably couldn't remember all of them if the number was over 30, which it is likely over 50 for me, of which at least half were one-nighters. It's definitely not boasting on my part, because I would've given anything to have had fewer, much more memorable ones. The memorable ones were the ones I learned the most from emotionally, physically, and spiritually, which helped me to become the man I am. There's something to be said about quality over quantity.

My wife knows this because I was upfront with her from the beginning. She was somewhat sketchy about her past, although I got most of the details here and there from her and others. None of the details were deal breakers, and have absolutely NO bearing on our present lives together. It has been my experience that women are more concerned about the here and now, not about those things that happened in her past, therefore they will block out portions of it because it didn't matter then, and it doesn't matter now.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Mine has forgotten how to have sex, cook, clean house, and go to work. She has instant, perfect recall for everything else.


----------



## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

If I am going to be involved with a woman in a relationship, I TOTALLY get to judge her past and present as to whether I consider their judgment sound. Money, sexuality, education, family situation. ANYTHING in one's background is fair game.

Have two people shagging at the same time, to me, is degrading. As would a woman who's willingly been a mistress and dated a married man. Several of these scenarios for me are absolute deal breakers.

But to say I don't get to have an opinion about what I view as degrading it preposterous. 



marduk said:


> My point is this.
> 
> You don't get to decide for other people what is degrading. Of course people judge other people all the time.
> 
> ...


----------



## OpenWindows (Dec 25, 2015)

jdawg2015 said:


> If I am going to be involved with a woman in a relationship, I TOTALLY get to judge her past and present as to whether I consider their judgment sound. Money, sexuality, education, family situation. ANYTHING in one's background is fair game.
> 
> Have two people shagging at the same time, to me, is degrading. As would a woman who's willingly been a mistress and dated a married man. Several of these scenarios for me are absolute deal breakers.
> 
> But to say I don't get to have an opinion about what I view as degrading it preposterous.



I think the point is this... Degrading means causing a loss of self-respect, or humiliating. It's generally a first-person word, so unless another person's three-way causes YOU to respect yourself less or feel humiliated, you're just using the wrong word.

If you say my hypothetical three-way is degrading, but I'm happy about my actions, you are technically incorrect. Semantics... :wink2:

Maybe you mean "demeaning", causing someone to lose the respect of others.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

jdawg2015 said:


> If I am going to be involved with a woman in a relationship, I TOTALLY get to judge her past and present as to whether I consider their judgment sound. Money, sexuality, education, family situation. ANYTHING in one's background is fair game.
> 
> Have two people shagging at the same time, to me, is degrading. As would a woman who's willingly been a mistress and dated a married man. Several of these scenarios for me are absolute deal breakers.
> 
> But to say I don't get to have an opinion about what I view as degrading it preposterous.


I totally disagree. 

You get to judge if you want this person as part of your life.

You don't really get to judge for that person what is degrading. I mean think about it -- that's really what the whole LGBT movement is about. 

You get to judge what you have in your life, not what other people decide they want to accept. 

And from a purely personal happiness perspective, judgement over other people is generally a negative thing. And bad karma. You end up running around getting bent out of shape about what other people do that isn't in your control and has nothing to do with you. 

And to cap it off, if an amazing woman went through a moment of time in her life when she did X, that doesn't mean she's still that person, or deserves punishment for it -- especially if it had nothing to do with you. It just closes doors. 

This doesn't imply that you get to look at patterns of behaviour in terms of a risk assessment for you, or if you deem that you want this person in your life. 

See the difference?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

She probably would like to forget about the past, since it seems she has shame over it. Why are you both still talking about people you slept with before you met/married? What is the relevance to your time together, now?


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

MachoMcCoy said:


> There was a short (less than a year) period of..."questionable behavior" on my wife's part that was rugswept and not dealt with for many, many years. When it had eaten at me enough that I needed to do something about it, I worked on my conversation with her 1,000 times in my head with EVERY possible sharp turn the conversation could take. Except:
> 
> "I don't remember".
> 
> ...


True story. 

I don't know how many women I've slept with. 

I had a period of time over about 18 months where I would party, drink, pass out, and wake up with a strange woman. I assume we had sex. 

Don't remember their names or what happened. Appallingly often. Not always, but not far from the norm. Perhaps 3-4x a week. 

It bothers my wife. I don't know what I can do about it. I do know that behaviour is no longer what I do though, and I also know that I have no driving need to sew any wild oats any more.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Why would anyone get angry/upset with their spouse over sexual things they did with others, before they met them? Or their 'number?'


----------



## imperfectworld (Jan 18, 2015)

*Deidre* said:


> Why would anyone get angry/upset with their spouse over sexual things they did with others, before they met them? Or their 'number?'



Sometimes it happens when the past changes.


----------



## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

*Deidre* said:


> Why would anyone get angry/upset with their spouse over sexual things they did with others, before they met them? Or their 'number?'


Because history repeats. Mindsets are ingrained. Some sexual behavior is outside the lines for what future partners will find acceptable. Not everyone has to accept what other's have done and guess what, this is why you confirm with someone if they are compatible. The past DOES count.

It's the same reason most men would never knowingly accept a prostitute as a wife.

A woman who's slept with a married man should be considered harmless? A women with a history of cheating and having sex with people not her BG husband is harmless? Yes, the past does matter to many people.

Once married, one would assume the past is known and people accepted it and moved on. Usually on TAM, as in the OP's case it's when new facts are revealed or stories change is when minds begin to wonder.

When you sleep with someone, you also have to accept the fact that choices you make today can be used to size up your judgement by future partners. That's reality.


----------



## Peaf (Feb 8, 2016)

Interesting.... I can honestly NOT remember a lot of my first marriage. Granted, it was 20 years ago, but sometimes my kids will ask me about certain things, and I really just cannot remember. 

Perhaps it's just moving on and letting go of things (usually unhappy things) that do not serve you well as you get on with your life? The body does it all the time: takes what it needs, and gets rid of the rest. Maybe the brain does it too!


----------



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
This mystifies me - I have no interest at all in my wife's past. That said, there seem to be a lot of men who very much care what their wives did in the past. I don't understand it, but it seems very common.




*Deidre* said:


> Why would anyone get angry/upset with their spouse over sexual things they did with others, before they met them? Or their 'number?'


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That's fear. Or insecurity. Fear that she was with someone 'better' than him and that he will be judged and found lacking. So he wants to know what his competition was like. So he can mitigate the likelihood of her choosing 'not him.'


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

*Deidre* said:


> Why would anyone get angry/upset with their spouse over sexual things they did with others, before they met them? Or their 'number?'


It depends. Their are too many factors to list.

Everyone has their own criteria and if they aren't hypocrites then there is nothing wrong with it.

I wanted to know to gauge where she was from and how she was now.

Mrs. Conan has a history that she needed to grow past. She needed to talk about it and I needed to know she was done with it.

She had her own criteria for me.

I'm the kind of man who could take an ex prostitute or pornstar with confidence as long as she wasn't that person anymore.

Mrs. Conan is a gem but her past would have been deal breakers for many, mine too more than likely and nothing wrong with that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Maxo (Mar 8, 2016)

phoenix98 said:


> I'm in a significant relationship, all is well but wondering if women sometimes "forget" or "block out" episodes from the past. For both of us we are having the healthiest relationship of our adult lives, but for some reason my fiancé still blocks out a 3-6 month period of her life that happened a few years before we even met. She uncharacteristically had a string of one night stands, short term FWB's and dated men that she normally would not have dated. We talked about this period in her life earlier, moved on and I never held it over her head.
> 
> But over the weekend we were talking about past relationships and what it was like before we met and she is still holding to the fact that she was with a small number of men before she met me after her divorce rather than the larger number of men that we discussed earlier. I didn't throw the larger number back in her face, just kept quiet about it when it came up. I know that she is really ashamed of this time period and it sounds like all of the encounters were not that great. Usually a quick, drunken tryst, then a walk or drive of shame back to her car.
> 
> ...


----------



## BassGuy919 (Mar 15, 2016)

My wife is an abuse survivor a couple of times over. She does block out some of those memories, she has to. The funny thing is, in our own relationship she seems to hold on to any negative, no matter how minor, forever. She has really hard time of letting bad things go. It has been detrimental to our relationship to say the least. 

She is now trying to consciously forgive me for past mistakes or misbehavior on my part, whether real or simply perceived. I think it's one the few things that is slowly turning our relationship around. 

So I wouldn't lump all women together here, but in direct answer to your question, yes, some women do block out memories. Again though, I want to point out the inconsistencies in this behavior. It seems she can and does block out memories that are so bad that to recount or recall them is to live through the pain and hurt all over again. At the same time, however, she keeps a scorecard with her current relationship (our marriage) and recalls even petty little things when it is advantageous for her to do so.

My wife has acknowledged this behavior to me directly and also in our marriage counseling sessions and is trying to work on it. As the old saying goes, the first step in solving a problem is to acknowledge that the problem even exists. After over 20 years of this unhealthy behavior, she is at least finally owning up to it.

The human mind is very complex thing, and sometimes a person is not conscious of their own motivations or reactions, let alone how those motives and reactions affect others.

RDLR


----------



## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

BetrayedDad said:


> She's rewriting history. It would worry me she is capable of that.
> 
> It's a red flag OP. It's up to you to decide whether that means something or not.
> 
> ...


I think most people minimize non-flattering behavior or don't bring it up at all. Why linger on the negative stuff?


----------



## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

BetrayedDad said:


> She's rewriting history. It would worry me she is capable of that.
> 
> It's a red flag OP. It's up to you to decide whether that means something or not.
> 
> ...


That is a somewhat loose association. I am capable of killing the next 10 people that walk past my house, but does that mean I will or that others should be ultra aware of this "trait"?. No.


----------



## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

rubendlr said:


> My wife is an abuse survivor a couple of times over. She does block out some of those memories, she has to. The funny thing is, in our own relationship she seems to hold on to any negative, no matter how minor, forever. She has really hard time of letting bad things go. It has been detrimental to our relationship to say the least.
> 
> She is now trying to consciously forgive me for past mistakes or misbehavior on my part, whether real or simply perceived. I think it's one the few things that is slowly turning our relationship around.
> 
> ...


rubendlr, you are a remarkable man for sticking with your lady and seeing it thru for 20 years. Lesser men would have bailed already, once they found out the truth about the CSAs and the mental aftermath of those tramatic situations. Yours is a success story, with bumps along the way because you are human and that's what happens in marriage--hitting the speed bumps and learning how to get past them


----------



## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Phil Anders said:


> Depends, they may, or may not...but they definitely remember everything _you_ ever did or said.:|


:rofl:


----------



## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

That's human nature. She remembers all the bad stuff you did, but conveniently forgets all the bad stuff she did. 

I have been working with my W over the last 9 months to take ownership of her behavior during our separation 10+ yrs ago, analyse and learn from it to have a better M going forward. She felt abandoned, betrayed, and taken advantage of so she latched onto the first person that took any interest in her. It's human nature. She can reflect now the reasons she did what she did.


----------

