# How do i tell the ex i was majorily depressed



## simbasanta (Jun 3, 2012)

Quick question here from a new member.

My Ex and I Have just ended a 2year relationship, due to the fact i mainly could'nt look after myself. Found it hard to get up, was unmotivated and really snappy at her.

Thing is ive just been to the doc, and he tells me it sounds like ive been depressed for quite awhile and that was leading to the things i was doing to my ex (un-intentional). 

Do i tell her that im now getting help for this, and the depression was causing the things i was doing or not doing?

OR would it seem as me being needy....?


----------



## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Hell no! She's just going to hear this and think you're making excuses for the way you were emotionally distant and trying to gain sympathy to win her back. To her you took her kindness for granted and didn't give her the affection she needed in return. 

I already made that mistake and even though she understood it did nothing to help. Though, I was on the other end of the spectrum and angry all the time until stopped taking the wrong medicine and imploded into a pit of despair. 

If you want to tell her DON'T you'll only lose what little respect she had for you. Instead show her you've changed into a much better and happier person with the 180 and your CONSISTENT ACTIONS. 

Oh, btw.... If you act any differently after showing her you've improved she's just going to think this was all an act. If you screw up then just allow more time to pass and try again.


----------



## sd212 (Feb 24, 2012)

Well, I typically agree w/ Nsweet and you should pay close attention to his posts but...

I'm not so sure on this one. 
Do you want her back? 
Does she want you back at all?
Are you divorced?
Do you have kids?

Depending on some of these details, I would think depression would explain so much of why you split. I don't know, I would want my ex to call and tell me she had been diagnosed w/ something. At least it would help me understand why she turned into a completely different person over night...


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What did you do to her?


----------



## simbasanta (Jun 3, 2012)

@Nsweet - Its not me making excuses. Its me trying to show her that something was actually quite wrong with me. She has hinted that things cant go back to where they were, but yet i needed to sort things out. Im doing this firstly for me and secondary for her. 

I suspect she allways knew something was wrong with my thinking, as she had allways tried to push me into seeing the doctor for quite awhile now.

Its not about sympathy at all, its really to just let her know as she has allways thought something was up.

@SD212 - I do want her back. Thats why im finally taking action of myself and getting the help needed. To show her that i can look after myself. Im unsure if she wants me back as we havnt chatted since, well def not if things were going to be the same. Im wanting to get help and change for the better. If she comes back great, but im trying to not get 2 far ahead. Also no children and also not divorced.

@EleGirl - Nothing physical or anything like that. Just getting annoyed and stressed at the little things that shouldnt matter. Silly things, i just had no idea i was doing it.


----------



## simbasanta (Jun 3, 2012)

@Nsweet - Its not me making excuses. Its me trying to show her that something was actually quite wrong with me. She has hinted that things cant go back to where they were, but yet i needed to sort things out. Im doing this firstly for me and secondary for her. 

I suspect she allways knew something was wrong with my thinking, as she had allways tried to push me into seeing the doctor for quite awhile now.

Its not about sympathy at all, its really to just let her know as she has allways thought something was up.

@SD212 - I do want her back. Thats why im finally taking action of myself and getting the help needed. To show her that i can look after myself. Im unsure if she wants me back as we havnt chatted since, well def not if things were going to be the same. Im wanting to get help and change for the better. If she comes back great, but im trying to not get 2 far ahead. Also no children and also not divorced.

@EleGirl - Nothing physical or anything like that. Just getting annoyed and stressed at the little things that shouldnt matter. Silly things, i just had no idea i was doing it.


----------



## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

So you're really looking to give her more ammunition against you then??? Have her tell all the girls "Thank god I got rid of that psycho!". Get it through you head... she does not want to hear anything about your problems right now!

She's probably built up such contempt for you to make her decision to leave seem justifiable that anything you do to make amends like this will completely backfire. By telling her "it was the condition" what you're really saying is "I don't agree with your feelings about me and want you to see things my way". What makes perfect sense to us will rub her the wrong way. 

I know you mean well and want closure NOW, but you're going to have to give BOTH of you time to speak to one another. You need time to cool off because this whole approach is really going to come off communicating your need to apologize and force her to accept it, to accept your illness as the excuse you were neglectful. And it is an excuse. You were too comfortable in your self misery to reach out for help. Besides that it's not going to earn you her respect the way you plan.

The only thing she will want to hear out of you is your acceptance of the breakup, and maybe your apology for neglecting her feelings and hurting her in your relationship. You tell her that and give her enough space and I promise you'll get the positive closure you are looking for. Who knows, you may be able to re-establish a friendship in 6-12 months after you give her enough time ad start over after you've proven you're a changed man.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

First off you need to work on yourself as you have been. It takes months, even a couple of years to change and deal with depression.

If you want to get back with her, the only thing that will really work is if she sees you being a better person and dealing with your issues over the long haul.


----------



## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

To add to what EleGirl said:
I have had a lot of experience dealing with depression and a few suicide attempts in my life. Life does get better with or without her but you're going to have to deal with this for the rest of your life and keep an eye on your emotions.

You're going to find out after you get better that women really respond well to a guy who is in touch with his feelings. Depressed men and women under control do make great companions, but you have to understand that when you're feeling down your partner needs you to tell them so they don't think your shutting them out.

More than likely whoever you're with will help get you out of the house and help you enjoy life when you're blue. Just be sure to return the favor and appreciate what she does for you. And keep working on your depression no matter what! Drugs help to a certain extent but aren't a cure-all.


----------



## simbasanta (Jun 3, 2012)

First offThanks for the words, its really good to have peoples different views on them all. And also i def dont want her to think that im a psycho cause i really aint and im pretty sure she knows that

I understand what you are saying about life getting better regardless of what happens. Just as it is now, things well aint very good at all on my end. i just know ive made a real bad mistake in treating her the way i have and letting things get to this point. I really do understand.

I have given her all the space i can currently, since the break up its been zero calls and only 1 text on her bday (unsure if this was wise or not). Thing is now, i want to give her space and am prepared to do so. What i want to know is how long do i leave before attempting any contact again or even if i should make the first contact? We live almost an hour apart so its not like we run into each other everyday or week now, but is zero contact all its cracked up to be or not.

You are correct in saying that i need to recognise the break up and pos say sorry for not being their for her. I allways have been their for her up until the last few months. I just dont know how or when thats all to tell her as we havnt chatted since the split...

Sorry im tending to go off topic slightly, its not the easiest writing all this down and thinking about it and i dont have many people to talk about all this 2


----------



## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

It's very possible that yours was a codependent relationship that only survived so long as she was taking care of you and in turn receiving the affection she so desperately craved. You'd know the type by how she talks about her parents and any history of abuse or neglect. 

This sort of care-taker helpless victim pairing would have not lasted much longer past the sweetheart stage, ranging from a few months to 2 years, because her whole attraction in you was based on helping you feel better and thank her for it. I know there was more to your relationship than that, but this is a BIG problem. 

You see once she started to get fed up with you she started learning to hate you for not giving her the same amount of time and affection she put into you. Past the point of no return she would start arguments about wanting you to get better or else and take care of her too.

These type of "you better play by my rules or else" traps never end well. On one hand if you do everything she says..... she'll lose respect for you as a partner. On the other, if you blow her off she'll just either start more fights to get you to push her out the door or look for excuses to blame you and abandon you. 

Either way she would have left and then possible come back in time to throw crumbs of affection to see if you still wanted her. These types of codependent people are never happy with a healthy even give and take relationship and will look for problems or people that need them to bond with.

In fact if you had gotten better and pulled your head out of your @$$ she still would have left because you didn't need her the same way. So she will find either a narcissist who is never pleased, another charity case that desperately needs her, or an immature twenty-something with a Peter Pan like quality.

I know you don't want to hear this but you have to let her go for right now and let her heal on her own. She needs to relive childhood trauma until she's ready to let it go, and will only happen when she's sick of take care of (excuse the term) complete losers who suck the life out of her. 

Chances are you'll run into her again within a few years. You watch, she's going to go from needy care-taker to complete b!tch, which is why you're best to avoid her for a while. Then she'll level out around somewhere between bossy-assertive woman and distant sweetheart..... but never a push-around again. That is if she learns from her mistakes and doesn't wind up with 50 cats.


----------

