# Please mentor me I need surv help var/cam etc



## Conejita (Jun 21, 2019)

You guys I am fairly new to this posting format.
Discovery day was April 1st.
I discovered:
A week after he was sent to another state he signed up for zoosk mingle2 love in denim, adult friend finder, so many other sites.
He had an actual affair on nov 1 that lasted twice a week until he returned home.
He continued to call OW
He saved screen shots and sent them to hisself to a alt email. Had I only checked the phone records. His affair lasted from November to end of December. He continued to call and text her unbeknownst to me up until the dad day it swindled down a bit to texts every now and then.
He had an app called signal downloaded.
He had an ipod.
A month later from discovery day April first- which was (months after the actual affair occurred November) I found condoms I tracked the date down to manufactured aug 2016.
My husband cried and was on the floor but not before he attempted to destroy every shred of evidence. He has only ever admitted to what I already know.
He currently is displaying repented behavior but is distant. His penis is super clean with no scent. Hysterical bonding has taken over our already high libido. Thursday’s he is extra uninterested.
He is glued to his phone.
Toss it to me now. I know he has a mother-he suggested I put a VA. R into his car.
He has mentioned people at work having affairs.

My dilemma he is doing everything right saying everything right the behaviornis very off and he knows how to clone phones. He has some network detector for his work that detects networks cables and troubleshoots them. His car is a total mess.

He wouldn’t kiss me in front of the waitress - he said I was acting like a girl in high school.
He plays pool at this same pub before our date starts there. Last time I went to join him (he started playing at this pub because he was depressed after returning from his temp job in another state) I thought I was giving him space to put himself back together even though I had raised two toddlers by myself for 4 months and ramped up lingerie sex 4 course meals.
This last time I joined him she couldn’t look me in the eye and they both had sweat on their brow. The way he spoke to his last affair partner I could see this 25 year old 100 lb beauty get off getting figured or screwed in the bathroom by my husband what a rush for them. I’m telling you my gut was right before. What if he started more affairs once he returned. The first time can’t be the only time he cheated.

This occurred to me and I told him
“I know you are conflict avoidant so if you started an additional affair to wean your addiction from your AP you need to END it!!!”
His reply “we are having sex 3 times a day Whywouldni have an affair it’s impossible anyways”

He is trimming his public hair again it’s fine hydenic I get that it can hold odor but a few other huge flags.
3 years ago I caught Trichomoniasi Sti after post partum sex. My husband told me I got it from hospital towels found a resource.

I also was diagnosed with herpes hsv 1? During my blood panel for 2nd child. My husband said no way can they diagnose stuff through blood and not cultures.

I’m here for detective help
Tell me:
How to see if my phone is cloned
How to recover deleted texts
How to and where to set up surveillance p i is 2250. 

Please help doing it on a budget with my own money. I can’t leave someone if they are trying their hardest and I’m pretty much just a paranoid mess now. I know people will not help me they will tell me to leave. He has taken apart one iPhone “to fox” he has taken apart 1 “iPod” to “fix”

He is keeping notes of the state of our house and the other day I sat down with my back to the walls and cried and backed my head up on the wall. I know it’s multiple people. 

What hurts is even if I found out I would forgive him if he could stop NOW but I don’t think gen is willing to like a dog that has tasted blood no offense men are not dogs.

I have to do this right because every way I have caught him in something but could prove actual meeting I never catch him that way again.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Here you go - ChumpLady.com


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Hi, I'm sorry that you are going through this. I sucks. I know from experience. 

Before you go any further here, you need to decide exactly how much evidence and what type you need to meet what you need. So can you answer a few questions.

You know that he has cheated. Why do you think you need more evidence of this cheating? You already know.

What are you going to do with this evidence once you get it? What's your goal?

How long have the two of you been married? Do you have children together? Do you have a job or are you a stay-at-home mom/wife?

Are you planning on divorce based on his cheating?


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## Conejita (Jun 21, 2019)

EleGirl said:


> Hi, I'm sorry that you are going through this. I sucks. I know from experience.
> 
> Before you go any further here, you need to decide exactly how much evidence and what type you need to meet what you need. So can you answer a few questions.
> 
> ...




I need more evidence because it would prove that he has not been genuine in reconciliation.

Several things would happen once I determine.
Being gaslighted is a possibility this would break that.
I believe in second chances, that’s why I am here.
I would be able to determine what exactly I am working with -“ a sex addict” vs “a willful philanderer”.
Does it make a difference to some people it does.
I will stand by him. However I need to determine what is real and what is lies.
If he has taken my children around the new AP or flings this will affect custody.
This info will reveal his true nature( yes yes I know I’m a doormat for staying but I am for marriage and so I tried and when I leave it will be because after I found out he did not “try”)

This info will assist in establishing time spent with our children is of no importance. 

I have already offered him a amnesty from anything in the past. I have already offered an exit where child support is only 300.00 not 1000.00 (what he calculated when we spoke)

I am trying to eliminate the “cheaper to keeper” attitude. Also I am still inlove with my husband. Through better or worse was my vows he didn’t but that doesn’t decide my level of involvement.

As you can see I am very invested in this working and if it does not I would like concrete evidence such as someone leaving his vehicle or him and another person leaving the men’s bathroom. Suggestive texts.


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## Conejita (Jun 21, 2019)

I am familiar with this site. I did not see anything on gathering data or collecting proof. She seems to be on another path. Yes I would get a divorce but not until I prove he has not abiding his reconciliation. Thank you for reading.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Oh shoot, that's what I get for not reading the whole post. I read infidelity and asking for help, so I posted that site for strength and encouragement.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Conejita said:


> I am familiar with this site. I did not see anything on gathering data or collecting proof. She seems to be on another path. Yes I would get a divorce but not until I prove he has not abiding his reconciliation. Thank you for reading.


You dont NEED proof of this! Its staring you right in the face! Proof is not required to get yourself out of a toxic marriage with someone who you KNOW has cheated on you. This is insanity. Your husband is a sleaze, so WHY would you even WANT to be reconciling with him? He has shown ZERO remorse about his affair(s). Have some self respect and cut the scumbag loose.


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## Conejita (Jun 21, 2019)

3Xnocharm said:


> Conejita said:
> 
> 
> > I am familiar with this site. I did not see anything on gathering data or collecting proof. She seems to be on another path. Yes I would get a divorce but not until I prove he has not abiding his reconciliation. Thank you for reading.
> ...



What says he has shown zero remorse he is about to take me on a date I’m just making sure because I see red flags again. 

These flags can be easily explained away- not leaving until I have some actual cause. The cause of him cheating in the past is not a cause. Cheating now is a cause I’m trying to get help with that. I am not being rude and I am not the type that has to “see it with my own eyes” I understand what’s happening but need somewhat more evidence than his past and some coincidences. Thank you!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

So PAST cheating is ok with you?? APRIL of this year is not "the past", Im sorry! He probably never even stopped! Did you seriously NOT have him get tested for STD's?? Just because he doesnt stink and looks clean doesnt mean he isnt infected with God only knows what! He is wrong that herpes will not show up in a blood test, by the way. (but type 1 you probably already had, do you get cold sores) What has he done to show you remorse? He is distant, he is glued to his phone, both negative behaviors when trying to reconcile your marriage... does he hand you his phone if you ask? Do you have his password to access his phone? Do you have passwords to his social media and his email? Are you going to counseling together or is he in any kind of therapy on his own? Has he given you a timeline of the affair? Has he broken all contact with his affair partner? 

The fact that you are seeing red flags already shows that he is not doing the heavy lifting he needs to be in order for this to work. Most likely his affair never ended.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Conejita said:


> You guys I am fairly new to this posting format.
> Discovery day was April 1st.
> I discovered:
> A week after he was sent to another state he signed up for zoosk mingle2 love in denim, adult friend finder, so many other sites.


He has been very very busy. He looks like a serial cheater. These types don't like having their cake taken away. 



Conejita said:


> He had an actual affair on nov 1 that lasted twice a week until he returned home.
> He continued to call OW
> He saved screen shots and sent them to hisself to a alt email. Had I only checked the phone records. His affair lasted from November to end of December. He continued to call and text her unbeknownst to me up until the dad day it swindled down a bit to texts every now and then.


Are you sure it was just one affair?



Conejita said:


> He had an app called signal downloaded.
> He had an ipod.


Looks like a perfect app for cheaters. Lots of ways for him to communicate with other women without you knowing about it.



Conejita said:


> A month later from discovery day April first- which was (months after the actual affair occurred November) I found condoms I tracked the date down to manufactured aug 2016.


So he has been cheating for quite some time. You only just found out...



Conejita said:


> My husband cried and was on the floor but not before he attempted to destroy every shred of evidence. He has only ever admitted to what I already know.


Sounds like he is unrepentant. No remorse. He's upset that you found out not that he has destroyed you or the marriage. 



Conejita said:


> He currently is displaying repented behavior but is distant. His penis is super clean with no scent. Hysterical bonding has taken over our already high libido. Thursday’s he is extra uninterested.
> He is glued to his phone.


These are all signs of an unrepentant and remorseless cheater who is continuing in his cheating ways.



Conejita said:


> Toss it to me now. I know he has a mother-he suggested I put a VA. R into his car.


So he is telling you how to keep track of and monitor him??? Are you kidding me?

He probably has 1 or 2 burner phones stashed somewhere...and now he will be sure not to use them in his car.



Conejita said:


> He has mentioned people at work having affairs.


Sounds like he fits right in. Maybe he is the ringleader. 



Conejita said:


> My dilemma he is doing everything right saying everything right the behaviornis very off and he knows how to clone phones. He has some network detector for his work that detects networks cables and troubleshoots them. His car is a total mess.


He is doing everything right? Are you joking? Sounds like nothing right to me.

Has he become 100% transparent with all his devices?
Has he told you everything?
Has he quit his job?
Has he closed all his social media and other accounts?
Has he handed you passwords to all of his phones and computers?
Is he begging for your forgiveness and giving you everything you need to feel secure?
There is a laundry list of stuff he could be doing for you that he isn't. Why is that?

Short answer...because he is still cheating. 



Conejita said:


> He wouldn’t kiss me in front of the waitress - he said I was acting like a girl in high school.
> He plays pool at this same pub before our date starts there. Last time I went to join him (he started playing at this pub because he was depressed after returning from his temp job in another state) I thought I was giving him space to put himself back together even though I had raised two toddlers by myself for 4 months and ramped up lingerie sex 4 course meals.
> This last time I joined him she couldn’t look me in the eye and they both had sweat on their brow. The way he spoke to his last affair partner I could see this 25 year old 100 lb beauty get off getting figured or screwed in the bathroom by my husband what a rush for them. I’m telling you my gut was right before. What if he started more affairs once he returned. The first time can’t be the only time he cheated.


You are right...this isn't the first time he has cheated. He has an affair partner girl at the restaurant/pub. Maybe several.



Conejita said:


> This occurred to me and I told him
> “I know you are conflict avoidant so if you started an additional affair to wean your addiction from your AP you need to END it!!!”
> His reply “we are having sex 3 times a day Whywouldni have an affair it’s impossible anyways”
> 
> He is trimming his public hair again it’s fine hydenic I get that it can hold odor but a few other huge flags.


He is still cheating on you.



Conejita said:


> 3 years ago I caught Trichomoniasi Sti after post partum sex. My husband told me I got it from hospital towels found a resource.
> 
> I also was diagnosed with herpes hsv 1? During my blood panel for 2nd child. My husband said no way can they diagnose stuff through blood and not cultures.


He doesn't wrap up when he cheats. He's given you a few STD's too.

WTF?



Conejita said:


> I’m here for detective help
> Tell me:
> How to see if my phone is cloned
> How to recover deleted texts
> ...


You are wasting your money and your time. 

You have everything you need.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

By your post, I can already tell that this is false r because he is making little to no effort to make you feel safe.

It looks like he does just enough to let things die down before he’s back at it again.

He’s already cheated and risked your health multiple times. I might be devil’s advocate here, but if you’re really set on reconciling, you might need to consider the possibility that you may be playing marriage police as long as you remain with him. 

It looks like he’s aware of a lot of the methods for discovering infidelity, so options are limited and you’re going to have to be extra careful. Please don’t reveal your sources! Try a keylogger or Dr. Fone. If you really need that evidence, then you might have to put in the money to hire a PI.

But at this point, you should focus on getting yourself out of this mess and putting money into protecting yourself and getting a good deal for your children.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

@Conejita Here are a couple of threads that you may find helpful.

https://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html

https://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You need a divorce lawyer.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Here is a thread that might help you: https://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Ok, so you feel that you need more current evidence. The reason I asked about why you need more is that it's very easy to get caught in a cycle of evidence gathering. It can become an obsession that drives you nuts. Been there, done that. 

One of the ways to get evidence is to put a VAR (voice activated recorder) under the front seat of his car. Secure it in place with adhesive backed Velcro so it does not slide out when he puts the breaks on. A lot of cheaters user their car as a private phone booth. They can talk in private to the person they are cheating with. With the VAR, you can get his side of the phone calls. 

There is however a problem with this method of evidence gathering. It's illegal to record a conversation that you are not a party to. So, if you use it you would not be able to tell him what you found out. Instead you'd have to use the info to help you know where to look for more evidence.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Conejita said:


> I also was diagnosed with herpes hsv 1? During my blood panel for 2nd child. My husband said no way can they diagnose stuff through blood and not cultures.


OK, just to be accurate here...HSV-1 in the herpes that traditionally has been the oral herpes that causes cold sores and fever blisters. Most people have antibodies to this. HSV-2 is traditionally the genital version.


I'm not trying to question your assumptions about his behavior, because I agree with you. Listen to the recommendations you have been given by the other posters. 

I just want the facts to be accurate.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

3Xnocharm said:


> You dont NEED proof of this! Its staring you right in the face! Proof is not required to get yourself out of a toxic marriage with someone who you KNOW has cheated on you. This is insanity. Your husband is a sleaze, so WHY would you even WANT to be reconciling with him? He has shown ZERO remorse about his affair(s). Have some self respect and cut the scumbag loose.


Agree :iagree:

How much more evidence do you need. For God’s sake he has given you STDs, what do you want to catch next HIV? Your husband is a man ***** and doesn’t care about the impact on you or your kids. Stop now, make the decision to get rid of this parasite.

1, do the 180 now disengage from him
2. Go see a lawyer to ascertain your rights, finances etc
3, talk to a counsellor to see why you would put up with this
4, tell your family, his family friends, expose him to all and sundry
5, kick him out, tell him you are done. He will not change, he’s like a rabid dog. 
You still have a chance at a good life, hanging onto him is only going to cause you a life time of pain


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

So many betrayed spouses are just like you - so busy rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic because you don't want to face the painful, OBVIOUS truth. 

You're clinging to a low- life serial cheater like he's your lifeline and rather than FACE the truth, you want to dabble in finding that 'smoking gun' piece of evidence.

In other words, you're desperately trying to buy more time with him because you know exactly who he is but don't want to believe him. So you tell yourself you're staying because you need iron-clad proof - all the disgusting crap he's already pulled apparently isn't 100% proof. 

I can't in good conscience DELUDE you into thinking what you're doing is wise because it's not. It's foolish and wastes your time but more than anything, it's a complete show of DISRESPECT to yourself to continue desperately accepting this treatment. Stop self-deluding and *move on* to a healthier life without this POS staining every single facet of your life.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

I can't help you with your marital issues but I can advise you on how to exit infidelity.

I suggest you both read: Not Just Friends by Dr Shirley Glass. It's available used on Amazon.

It will help you understand how you got into this situation as well as what specific boundaries/behavior your husband needs in order to protect you from infidelity. He will have a difficult time justifying his 'suspicious' behavior. And you will understand that you don't and shouldn't have to live with the uncertainty that he has created (note: emphasis on the uncertainty that he created). 

Plus you will understand that you (as a spouse) have a right to feel safe from infidelity. Therefore, among other things, your husband has an obligation to avoid suspicious behavior and relationships that make you feel unsafe. In view of his past infidelity, the bar to make you feel safe is set even higher. He should be taking the initiative to make you feel safe (transparency, gps tracker, showing you affection in public, and not 'hanging out' without you).

I understand your 'need' for more concrete evidence (been there). It's actually your (our) weakness and it's a weakness that your husband can take advantage of. It's rare to catch them in bed. 

Therefore, read the book, identify the boundaries (and behavior) that your husband needs to implement in order to make you feel safe (and in order to stay married to you). If he's not willing to make you feel safe, then implement a strong version of the 180 (to protect yourself not punish him) and give yourself time to adjust to the notion of divorce.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

One more thing with respect to:

"He cried and rolled on the floor when caught cheating."

That's a red flag for me. He's sorry he got caught - but not sorry he cheated or hurt you.

Under the circumstances, collapsing to the floor and tears are not appropriate.
IMO it's a desperate attempt to get your sympathy by redirecting your attention to his 'pain' vs his infidelity.

Studies show that cheaters all possess certain personality characteristics:
selfish, entitled, deceitful, and lacking in empathy for the pain he causes you.

Therefore, judge him by his actions to make you feel safe - not his words.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

> I can’t leave someone if they are trying their hardest and I’m pretty much just a paranoid mess now.
> ———
> What hurts is even if I found out I would forgive him if he could stop NOW but I don’t think gen is willing to like a dog that has tasted blood no offense men are not dogs.



It sounds like no matter what he does you will forgive him.

You essentially have an open marriage. It’s just one sided at this time. If you won’t leave him after he has cheated on you multiple times and given you STDs, why not just sit down and agree to an open marriage and set some rules on safe sex? Then you don’t have to bother with all this searching (since you will forgive and stay anyway) and he can stop trying to arm his phone and devices to hide his cheating. 

Sounds like a lot of extra work for everybody. Just acknowledge that he is a cheating spouse, you accept that, and the end.


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

hi OP....please try to understand you are exhibiting sign of codependency issues...not taking a dig at you, but rather something you might want to read about or talk to a therapist....there is a book called "codependent no more" which Is pretty good.

remember to look after yourself, not just do anything and whatever to save things, this could give you a lot of backfire resentment later. good luck


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I was married to a serial cheater for decades. They rarely change. 

If you plan to stay, you need to learn not to care about what he does.


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