# decided not to go the VAR route. What's your view?



## favoritemistake (Aug 30, 2012)

Every time I think about putting a VAR in WH car, I get physically ill. I have decided that this isn't something I can do. I still check up on him in other ways but I do realize that I will never, ever be sure he isn't still cheating (even if I divorce and get involved with someone else I will never again fully trust, my husband was the last person I could see cheating). 

Anyway, I know a big part of my not wanting to use a VAR is that I am afraid of what I would hear if he is cheating. I mean I had a hard enough time when I discovered the cheating through name/number on scraps of paper, I can't imagine hearing things. Especially if he were to say mean/disparaging things about me.

I do NOT have any reason to believe he is still cheating. R has been a roller coaster but has been ongoing for nearly 18 mos now. 

I do feel weak. My goal is to remain with my husband. I will not change my mind about the VAR, I would rather divorce first. 

Please tell me your views. Am I alone in my way of thinking?


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## brokenhearted118 (Jan 31, 2013)

No one can tell you how to feel. Personally, I would have to know one way or another. Having that lingering over my head would be more than I can handle. In all honesty, after reading your post the first word that comes to mind is: Denial. If that is where you are comfortable today, then so be it. But how much longer can you live with or tolerate not knowing with some degree of certainty what he is doing? I have said it before and I will say it again...knowledge is power! Good luck with your decision. Remember you have the right to change your mind.


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## ody360 (Feb 1, 2013)

I think in the end it is up to you on what you want. This place is mainly to get information and give you a place to vent. It is for help when you feel completely helpless. Some people want to know everything some don't. I think its ok you do not want to VAR. I didn't im just going off how my WW is acting and using that as my decision on what im going to do and continue wit R. I keep an eye on the phone and all her intenet activity but thats about it. Im was like you i never thought in a million years my spouse was capable of cheating. But everyone that is here is in the same boat. Good luck and were all her to help each other heal.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

Most people feel safe in their car, there private place and they talk on the phone freely to others because they feel it is a private conversation and no one else can over hear them.

Cannot tell you what to do but if you suspect and need to know the VAR will provide you with the information if he is talking with an affair partner from the car.

If you put the VAR in the car and nothing happens "No Harm, No Foul" but as BH118 stated would you not want to know?


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

You state you do not believe he is cheating.

Two sides to this...
One is being "safe" with your health, you can take personal steps to do that yourself if you have ANY doubts.

After that, I firmly believe that eavesdropping on what people think of you is none of your business. It's hard enough to not wrap your self esteem around what others think of you, especially if you are vulnerable. 

Keep in mind, you can't tell what you heard, but you WILL hold it against him. If you are in R, is that productive behavior? How will you handle any negative comments you hear? 

How would you feel if he eavesdropped on you?

Like I said, if there is ANY doubts, take care of your health and protect yourself. If you are sure, then why do it?


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## JustGrinding (Oct 26, 2012)

A journal excerpt from D-Day plus 3:

“I guess I should be thankful for my 23.5 years living in The Matrix. I should be thankful for the time I deluded myself into thinking that we were different. A part of me wants to go back and take the blue pill, to stop analyzing my spouse’s actions, to ignore anything I found, to just accept without question that there is a reasonable explanation for everything. Unfortunately, I’m a red pill kind-of-guy. I have this deep-seated belief that painful truths are more healthy than comfortable lies.

I don’t imagine that, in the remainder of my life, I’ll find a greater test of that philosophy than I’m going through right now.” – JustGrinding, Feb 2011.

I was right about the test. It’s been brutal.

There is no truth within humanity that is beyond me or my ability to cope. A life lived without that level of truth isn’t truly mine, is it?

Having said that, we all have our individual perceptions about our ability to cope based on the level of emotional pain we’re willing to risk. Is the truth worth what you might have to pay? For me, it’s the only thing in life that’s truly worth its cost. You have to decide for yourself.

Peace.


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## Foolish1 (Apr 5, 2013)

I'm in the same place. I couldn't do it. I'd rather divorce. It just seems like a never ending cycle. If someone wants to be in contact with another person, they will find a way. And there are so many ways these days.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Foolish1 said:


> I'm in the same place. I couldn't do it. I'd rather divorce. It just seems like a never ending cycle. If someone wants to be in contact with another person, they will find a way. And there are so many ways these days.


*Then why would you want to stay with someone who spends so much time and energy trying to have inappropriate contact with someone else?

Again OP, while it's always your decision in the end, I'd have to know FOR SURE before I could divorce*


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

favoritemistake said:


> *My goal is to remain with my husband.* I will not change my mind about the VAR, I would rather divorce first.


If you won't change your mind then my post is useless but I'll present a few rhetorical questions.

Would you stay with your husband even if it means rug sweeping all of this and letting a relapse happen at 2 years post day that you later find?

Would you beat yourself up later in life about the fact that you put a VAR and found nothing or that you put a VAR and found evidence to another incident and are late as every BS is late in discovering their WS?


Cheaters are addicts. Dopamine loves novelty, new partners, new adventures, and our brains are addicted to dopamine. Once you cheat, it only becomes easier to do it again, and you constantly have urges and the addict falls into a downward spiral unable to help themselves out of that recurring cycle.

Read a little on EA, how these WS of only EMOTIONAL affairs still reminisce about their AP, still have an urge to contact, still wonder what they are up to, how they are doing.

Would it be offensive to test a drug addict to see if they've relapsed?


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

If divorcing, yes I would do it.

OP says they are in R. 
IMO, if in R, I wouldn't advise it. 

If planning to end it, it's fair game. I would want to know.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

deejov said:


> If divorcing, yes I would do it.
> 
> OP says they are in R.
> IMO, if in R, I wouldn't advise it.
> ...


It could also be said that if the couple were divorcing then it doesn't matter anyway after the fact of the first incident.

Most BS have that feeling, the nudge, the gut, that leads them to discovering. If that is what OP is feeling then so be it, and if you do find out the xWS has gone wayward again then D.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

CleanJerkSnatch said:


> It could also be said that if the couple were divorcing then it doesn't matter anyway after the fact of the first incident.
> 
> Most BS have that feeling, the nudge, the gut, that leads them to discovering. If that is what OP is feeling then so be it, and if you do find out the xWS has gone wayward again then D.


Yes, I can see where that is applicable.

My initial response was more to do with hearing stuff you don't need to hear. What someone thinks of you. 

Aren't there other ways to confirm cheating besides putting yourself in a position to hear things you shouldn't hear?

It seems so... unnatural... to pry into someone's private thoughts. Actions, yes, that can be up for debate. Cell records, bank accounts, veryifying they went where they said they went.

What is the purpose of hearing your spouse say they don't like your mother, or any other negative thing they might say when their guard is down?

Would you want to know exactly what someone thinks of you? Maybe, but what would the purpose be? Should you care what other people think of you? Not if you are working on your self esteem and trying to focus on positive things in your life.


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## JustGrinding (Oct 26, 2012)

deejov said:


> Would you want to know exactly what someone thinks of you? Maybe, but what would the purpose be? Should you care what other people think of you? Not if you are working on your self esteem and trying to focus on positive things in your life.


If a family of Puff Adders took up in my crawl space, I think I'd want to know about it. 

Though I don't particularly care what the Puff Adders think of me, and their activities have little impact on my positive self-image and perennially sunny outlook on life, their presence and general lack of regard for my safety, comfort, and protection make them a constant, urgent danger in my home.

Vipers bite. It's what they do.


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## favoritemistake (Aug 30, 2012)

Thanks for all of your replies. I think that I have to clarify. I do not believe that he is still cheating. I have no evidence or gut feeling that he is still cheating. Sometimes I read stuff on here and it frightens me, regarding false R. I understand why people use the VAR and I have given much thought and consideration to it. But it's not something I would feel comfortable with. 

Cheaters are liars. My husband is a cheater and a liar. Everything he has admitted to, confessed, or denied has to be taken with a grain of salt. Even taking away the fact that I love my husband, divorce for me would not be to my advantage at this time. I can use this time to put myself in a better place if divorce becomes necessary. I do not want to divorce at this time but it's never NOT an option. Sorry if I was unclear. If my marriage ends it's because that is what my husband chooses either directly or through infidelity. He knows this. We have discussed divorce. 

He is doing a good job in R. We have had our bumps but we have become great communicators and very good teammates. We have had very deep issues and a rocky foundation but we are trying.

Thank you for your input. It's very much appreciated.

I wanted to add. My husband has a habit of talking to himself when very stressed or angry. He is in a period of high stress which has nothing to do with us. I can envision a scenario where he is in his car and maybe I have a bad day and he is having a bad day and spouts off to himself about me. As deejov said, how productive would it be for me to hear that?


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I put the VAR in the car and got a long recording. Sex three times within about an hour or so and a lot of information. My WS loves her oldest sister. Yes she does she told the OM that she loves her oldest sister and they have a great time when they get together. Funny, the truth is she has not seen her older sister since our BIL's funeral last April and she can't stand her oldest sister and they don't get together.

Was the recording hurtful? Yes, but let me tell you this. In the last 9 weeks it brought me back to my senses when ever I got the inkling to think about R. Plus my WS over the years without proof would lie and lie and lie. Even with proof, phone records, computer stuff, she would lie and lie.

Even when I played her the recording of her having sex she said, "Mac, that is not me having sex, that is music". Without the VAR my youngest son would not have believed me nor her family.

As of two days ago I got her entire family on my side. Without that recording I would be the liar, abusive husband, homosexual, etc as that is what my WS has been saying. Lies and more lies.

The VAR saved me.


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## ubercoolpanda (Sep 11, 2012)

If you don't think he is cheating, why did the idea of putting a VAR into the car come into your head? Also why are you nervous about what you might hear on it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

ubercoolpanda said:


> If you don't think he is cheating, why did the idea of putting a VAR into the car come into your head? Also why are you nervous about what you might hear on it?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree::scratchhead:

There is more to this story.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Seems like you say you're confident hes not cheating, but how can that be true if your not willing to do what it takes to find out?

He was caught once before. Only a fool would cheat again through regular means(email, facebook game, etc) after being caught. Once a cheater is caught, thats when they get sneaky with it.


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## TimesOfChange (Mar 20, 2013)

Get your head out of the sand!


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

good luck with trusting someone who can't be trusted.

trust has to be earned. what has he done to earn your trust again?


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## favoritemistake (Aug 30, 2012)

Again I want to thank everyone for their replies. I put it out there so I get what I deserve but I do feel a little judged. 

I never said I was "confident" that my husband wasn't cheated. Far from it. How can anyone ever be confident that the person who so severely betrayed you won't do it again? I was saying that I have NO red flags AT THIS TIME to suggest he is being dishonest. 

I check his phone, computer, car, backpack, wallet. You name it. I am the one in charge of all financials, he even switched an account he maintained through work over to me. He provided me with years worth of bank statements for the account he maintained after DDay. I just choose not to use the VAR as part of my checking. Yes, part of my choice is I don't want to hear anything because I am very sensitive, especially now. Another reason is that I do feel like it would be too much of a violation of his person. Like I mentioned I check other things but this is just too far for me personally, I don't judge those who use it though. 

They didn't have an emotional affair so there wasn't any texting or emailing or time away from the family. She was basically a ho (literally an escort) that he would call up and when she could fit him in she would give him a freebee. Lucky guy, huh? 

Anyway you all think I am burying my head in the sand. Fair enough. I spent the majority of my marriage with my head there but I don't think I am now and there has been no rug sweeping. The truth is if he wants to cheat he will. He could call her from work and I would never be the wiser. 

In terms of what he is doing to earn my trust. Answering any questions as they come up, being transparent, being remorseful, talking when I need to talk, going to MC, ect, ect. 

But I am still sad and depressed and don't know in the end how this will go. R is hard.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

That is all dandy. If your husband wants to win your trust back he won't mind you doing what you have to do for your peace of mind in fact if he is so willing to earn your trust he would help you clear your head. Don't worry about it. You're not the only WS that has had thoughts of placing a VAR. Some have found nothing and moved on as well as others have found more evidence of it going underground and a false reconciliation. It appears you both are treading the never ending reconciliation path. Keep working hard.


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