# Stay or leave my 10 yrs relationship



## Zetaki311 (Oct 9, 2021)

Hi everyone, I need your help.
After 10 years with my partner some issues surfaced and I wonder whether I should break up. We live abroad since 8 yrs with no family or relatives close.
Issues are:
1. He doesn't want to ever join me on vacation with some important people in my life. I tell him that from the overall 3 weeks vacation, he can spend the 2 of them the way he wants with his friends and 1 week with me and my cousin/sister etc. He refuses that!
2. He wants to send our parents in a hotel when they come for longer than one week. My parents rarely visit and I don't want to send them in a hotel. I have a strong bond with them whereas my partner is very distant with his parents.
3. When I ask him in case of a health issue if he will support me financially, he responds that first I will have to use part of my savings till I reach his saved amount (cause it happens that I have a bit more saved), and once I reach his, he will support.I am financially independent but I wanted to know if he will have my back.
4. I struggle with anxiety disorder and my dad came for support for 10 days, when I asked my dad to stay one week longer my partner got pissed off. He was very rude to my dad and was telling me I need to put boundaries while I was in the worst state I have ever been. Couldn't eat or do anything else. My dad visited us for the first time in 8 yrs and came for care.
5. He doesn't seem to understand or regret any of the above. We talked a lot and he said I should congratulate him for the way he handled the situation while my dad was with us. Couldn't believe my ears 
6. I asked him to bring help for the housekeeping while I was feeling ****ty and he refused with shouting and telling me I should get rid of my perfectionist tendency. I just wanted to test his support and love one more time and he failed.
It's my first long term relationship and I really don't know whether I should try any longer or I should just leave.
What do you guys advise?
Thank you dears


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Zetaki311 said:


> I just wanted to test his support and love one more time and he failed.


^THIS^ stood out to me. Don't give "tests" to a partner as a way to determine their worthiness. It's childish.

I'm only getting your side of the story. I'm sure his side is vastly different. Nevertheless, you are the one asking for advice, not him. So my take on it is you two simply aren't compatible. You have completely different points of view on issues like family, finances, and how to deal with each other if one of you gets sick.

How old are you? How old is your partner? 

P.S. - You asked for opinions, so here's mine: I'd get out of this relationship.


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## Zetaki311 (Oct 9, 2021)

Prodigal said:


> ^THIS^ stood out to me. Don't give "tests" to a partner as a way to determine their worthiness. It's childish.
> 
> I'm only getting your side of the story. I'm sure his side is vastly different. Nevertheless, you are the one asking for advice, not him. So my take on it is you two simply aren't compatible. You have completely different points of view on issues like family, finances, and how to deal with each other if one of you gets sick.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your comment, 
I am 30 and he is 34. My aim is to understand whether I am exaggerating or whether these issues are indeed red flags. I suggested him couple's therapy too but he refused.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

He gave you his stance on the issues you mentioned. The thing is, you've had 10 years to determine whether or not he's the right person for you.

Was he always this way?


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## Zetaki311 (Oct 9, 2021)

Prodigal said:


> He gave you his stance on the issues you mentioned. The thing is, you've had 10 years to determine whether or not he's the right person for you.
> 
> Was he always this way?


Before 3 yrs I wanted to help my parents move to the country we live because the salaries are better and they are still young. They would live in a city close to ours and then my bf told me that I had to choose between him and my parents cause he didn't want them to come and live in the same county. At that moment I was very sad I'd his reaction but settled.

He has always been controlling but not to the point for me to feel that my needs aren't net, except from the issue with the parents. Now that I insisted more in my needs to be met he said that he would do anything for me but for nobody else. I suppose he thinks that I want my parents to live with us which is not true. I explained many times but doesn't seem to understand.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Zetaki311 said:


> ... my bf told me that I had to choose between him and my parents cause he didn't want them to come and live in the same county.


If I were you, I'd pick my parents over this man.

He doesn't want to change. He isn't interested in couples counseling. He's controlling, which indicates to me he wants things his way. My guess is you are asking for something he can't provide you; namely, empathy. You're unhappy. He doesn't care. Time to leave and pull the plug on this one. Sorry.


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## HappilyMarried1 (Jul 21, 2021)

Welcome to TAM @Zetaki311 I am sorry to say this but you have been with him for 10 years and he is probably only going to get worse. You are still young and sound like a kind and caring person in my opinion you need to just have a clean break ,move on with your life and find a loving and caring person you deserve. Best of luck!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

You need to ask yourself this question. Is this the man you want to spend the rest of your life with? If the answer is no then leave. You aren't married so you have no divorce to go through. 
He does sound unreasonable when it comes to your family.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

It seems your partner seems to be a simply bad person. How can you live with him for 10 years? Are you married? How did you put up with this crap for so long?


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

This may sound harsh but you sound very immature, and **** testing your partner is a perfect example.

Would you deplete your savings if he got sick? Or expect him to pay his fair share? A 30 year old woman who has her dad come for an extended stay because she has anxiety? Really? Not understanding why someone doesn't want other people staying in their home for two or three week periods, frankly that sounds awful to me.

You're not married and it sounds like you keep your financies seperate to some degree, and most importantly you aren't feeling love and support from your partner. Why not call it quits and head back home to your family?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Are your parents not living in Greece?


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

This relationship will almost certainly never be a happy one. Get out now. Are you planning to have kids? If so, you need to find someone compatible. Don't get pregnant by this loser. You deserve better than what you're getting.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Zetaki311 said:


> Hi everyone, I need your help.
> After 10 years with my partner some issues surfaced and I wonder whether I should break up. We live abroad since 8 yrs with no family or relatives close.
> Issues are:
> 1. He doesn't want to ever join me on vacation with some important people in my life. I tell him that from the overall 3 weeks vacation, he can spend the 2 of them the way he wants with his friends and 1 week with me and my cousin/sister etc. He refuses that!
> ...


#1. It's unrealistic to think that he will want to spend his vacation time spending days on end with your friends/family. Would you want to spend your vacation time doing things with his buddies and family???

#2. I am totally with HIM on this one. No one should be subjected to inlaws living in their house for more than a weekend.
Youre lucky he hasn't dumped you for that alone. 

#3. Will you exhaust your finances if he gets sick while he still has money in the bank?

#4. what are you doing to treat your anxiety besides bringing your family into the house? Again, if you are this problematic, you should be thankful he isn't dumping you. 

#5. See #4.

#7. IMHO he is in his right to leave you. He would be in his right to find a partner rather than someone he has to take care of and cater to. If you are looking for a caretaker and personal assistant, then yes, he may not be the optimum choice. But if you are looking for a spouse/partner, then YOU will need to fix yourself up and become a more functional and squared away adult and individual.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

romantic_dreamer said:


> It seems your partner seems to be a simply bad person. How can you live with him for 10 years? Are you married? How did you put up with this crap for so long?


Bad person???? Because he is an independent and functional adult and not a caretaker, personal assistant and errand boy?

To me he sounds like a functional adult man that would be better off with a functional adult woman rather than someone that needs caretaking.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> #1. It's unrealistic to think that he will want to spend his vacation time spending days on end with your friends/family. Would you want to spend your vacation time doing things with his buddies and family???
> 
> #2. I am totally with HIM on this one. No one should be subjected to inlaws living in their house for more than a weekend.
> Youre lucky he hasn't dumped you for that alone.
> ...


This sort of post shows me yet again how blessed I am to have a husband who has always welcomed my family into our home.
I mean OP's dad hadn't been to see her for 8 years and he wasn't welcomed for just 8 days???? 😲


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> This sort of post shows me yet again how blessed I am to have a husband who has always welcomed my family into our home.
> I mean OP's dad hadn't been to see her for 8 years and he wasn't welcomed for just 8 days???? 😲


There is a difference between welcoming inlaws and having them live in your house for a week. 

A love my inlaws and they are always welcome. .......... for a weekend or a few days over the holidays. 

And I would never impose on my inlaws to be in their house for more than a couple days. 

Hotels are what keep families close.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> There is a difference between welcoming inlaws and having them live in your house for a week.
> 
> A love my inlaws and they are always welcome. .......... for a weekend or a few days over the holidays.
> 
> ...


Hotels are expensive and not every one can afford them.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> Hotels are expensive and not every one can afford them.


Some families can't afford not to use them.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> Some families can't afford not to use them.


You are lucky if you have the choice. If a family can't put a family member up for a week there is something wrong.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> You are lucky if you have the choice. If a family can't put a family member up for a week there is something wrong.


He doesn't want inlaws living in the house for a week or more. It is his house too so he has some say in who lives in his house and for how long. 

If she wants her family to stay for extended periods and doesn't care about his wishes on who is in his house too, that is simply rude and selfish on her part. 

I would never subject my wife to having to cater to my friends or family in the house for days and days on end. Heck for that matter I don't even want MY family in the house for more than a weekend. It's just rude IMHO to force your partner to put up with people in the house that they don't want. 

Did she ask him if he would be cool with her family staying with them for over a week? Did she ask him for his thoughts and wishes on that matter or did she just assume he should suck it up and deal with it? 

What would her response be if he were to just move his family in for a week? 

My point here is not whether inlaws should stay for a week or not. My point is it is his house too so his opinion and thoughts matter. His wishes and preferences should be considered as well as hers. 

This is something that people should discuss together and come to agreements and plans etc and not just invite people into someone's home without their input.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> He doesn't want inlaws living in the house for a week or more. It is his house too so he has some say in who lives in his house and for how long.
> 
> If she wants her family to stay for extended periods and doesn't care about his wishes on who is in his house too, that is simply rude and selfish on her part.
> 
> ...


Thats why she needs a more welcoming and kind partner. I know loads of couples who welcome family for visits/ holidays and many too who cared for elderly parents for extended periods of time. Often years if they needed it. It's all part of being married.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> You are lucky if you have the choice. If a family can't put a family member up for a week there is something wrong.


Not necessarily true. We have a great relationship with our family, but I would never impose on them for a week and I don't want them in my house for a week. There is an old saying, "Houseguests are like fish. After three days they start to stink."


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> Bad person???? Because he is an independent and functional adult and not a caretaker, personal assistant and errand boy?
> 
> To me he sounds like a functional adult man that would be better off with a functional adult woman rather than someone that needs caretaking.


If my wife were sick and she needs her Dad to come and comfort her I would never be complaining regardless of my relationship with her Dad. Or send your wife's family to a hotel. Or put condition on supporting your sick partner. These are just awful things to do.

Sometimes my mind is blown away by people reaction or perception. How lucky my wife and I were are not like them.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

romantic_dreamer said:


> If my wide were sick and she needs her Dad to come and comfort her I would never be complaining regardless of my relationship with her Dad. Or send your wife's family to a hotel. Or put condition on supporting your sick partner. These are just awful things to do.
> 
> Sometimes my mind is blown away by people reaction or perception. How lucky my wife and i were are not think them.


It's one thing if someone has a real illness or injury that impairs their physical ability and needs some extra assistance while they recover.

Would your wife be so accomidating to have your family staying in the house because you were anxious?


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> It's one thing if someone has a real illness or injury that impairs their physical ability and needs some extra assistance while they recover.
> 
> Would your wife be so accomidating to have your family staying in the house because you were anxious?


When my kids were born my Mom came to stay with us and help with new borns for two months. My Dad then came and stayed with us for a month.

I have respect for my wife's family just because they are her family and therefore mine. They are welcome in our house any time.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

romantic_dreamer said:


> When my kids were born my Mom came to stay with us and help with new borns for two months. My Dad then came and stayed with us for a month.
> 
> I have respect for my wife's family just because they are her family and therefore mine. They are welcome in our house any time.


Mine did the same thing when our kids were born. We were very appreciative of their presence. 

A couple years ago my wife fell and got a nasty concussion and was in the hospital for a few days. When she got out, I offered my SIL that I would pay her plane tickets and stay with us for awhile while she recovered at home. 

Right now my FIL is in the nursing home recovering from a fall and we will probably have my MIL staying with us periodically until he is back on his feet. 

So I understand. It’s what families do. 

But the OP’s issue isn’t that.

She’s upset he doesn’t want spend his 3 weeks of vacation with her friends and family and doesn’t want in-laws in the house for over a week.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Zetaki311 said:


> Hi everyone, I need your help.
> After 10 years with my partner some issues surfaced and I wonder whether I should break up. We live abroad since 8 yrs with no family or relatives close.
> Issues are:
> 1. He doesn't want to ever join me on vacation with some important people in my life. I tell him that from the overall 3 weeks vacation, he can spend the 2 of them the way he wants with his friends and 1 week with me and my cousin/sister etc. He refuses that!
> ...


So this is the point of dating. Obviously he is much less social then you. He wants harder boundaries from family and friends. People can be different when it comes to this, that's OK. It's also OK for it to be a deal breaker.

Obviously you have discussed this right? He doesn't want to change, he doesn't have to. Which means you are probably not well matched.

One thing I would say to you is that next time I wouldn't wait 10 years to figure this out particularly if you want kids.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> This sort of post shows me yet again how blessed I am to have a husband who has always welcomed my family into our home.
> I mean OP's dad hadn't been to see her for 8 years and he wasn't welcomed for just 8 days???? 😲


Calling someone a bad person because they feel the way oldshirt or OP's husband does is just BS. Just because people think differently then you doesn't make them a bad person it just means they think different.

I personally think it can be pretty presumptuous and rude to expect to stay weeks on end with someone.

When my wife and I go visit friends we often get a hotel.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

There is no way in hades that my MIL would be staying with us for a week. Not a chance in hell. I would literally move out if my husband let her. I couldn't take it.

I might consider a night if push came to shove, but it would be an absolute last resort - and there would have to be no hotel rooms available in the city.

No freaking way.


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## lund (Sep 16, 2021)

In at least some of these issues you're clearly the one in the wrong. Regarding #2, for example - there's a reason people say fish and guests stink after three days, and who actually wants their ILs living under their roof? Yes, you're close to your parents, but he's not close to your parents, and it's his home too - he absolutely should get a veto (as should you) over guests staying for weeks on end. He isn't saying they shouldn't visit, merely that they should stay at a hotel. Likewise with extending a visit - it's one thing him agreeing to ten days, another being blindsided with extending that for a week, which must've felt like bait-and-switch to him. You're not treating him as a partner in that, unless he's bringing guests in for weeks at a time without clearing it with you first. Sounds like you keep making decisions unilaterally and getting upset he doesn't support decisions he didn't participate in.
Also with #3 - I get that his reply wasn't very romantic, but if you have more savings than him, why should his savings be used first if you have a health issue? Why would you expect his savings would be the first to take a hit rather than your own, again, given you have more savings? His position may not be what you wanted to hear, and may be cold, but it's definitely fair. It sounds like you expect him to have your back but you don't have his back - would you spend your own savings first if he had a health issue? 
It's very revealing that you admit you ask him things just to test him - now, in some sense everything in life can be viewed as a test, but there's a difference between genuinely asking but seeing the wider implications of a response, and asking just to test someone. Teachers test their students, employers may have job applicants or employees take tests, the government may test you for certain purposes like getting a license - my point is testing implies the testee is a subordinate, novice or learner compared to the tester, and it's a professional/academic/legal situation rather than a personal one. In other words, you're again not treating him as a partner - you're treating him as a subordinate, as a supplicant. 
Maybe he's a bad partner, and you say he's controlling. On the surface, his reaction to the possibility of your parents moving to your country seems that way, but the devil is in the details - did it involve them moving in with you, even temporarily? Was he asked to directly bear some of the burdens, such as paying for immigration lawyers, visa fees, sponsoring their application, etc? Was he (or you both jointly, as a couple) being made responsible in some way for them, such as financially, or becoming legally liable for them (or their expenses) in some way?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> It's one thing if someone has a real illness or injury that impairs their physical ability and needs some extra assistance while they recover.
> 
> Would your wife be so accomidating to have your family staying in the house because you were anxious?


Mental illness such as bad anxiety is just as much of an illness as a physical one. 
The man hadn't been there for 8 years. 
In would definitely agree to that situation. I can't see th e problem.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

frusdil said:


> There is no way in hades that my MIL would be staying with us for a week. Not a chance in hell. I would literally move out if my husband let her. I couldn't take it.
> 
> I might consider a night if push came to shove, but it would be an absolute last resort - and there would have to be no hotel rooms available in the city.
> 
> No freaking way.


My husband and his first wife had his mother from OZ stay for 6 weeks on a couple of occasions. She definitely wasn't the easiest person to get along with either.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

sokillme said:


> Calling someone a bad person because they feel the way oldshirt or OP's husband does is just BS. Just because people think differently then you doesn't make them a bad person it just means they think different.
> 
> I personally think it can be pretty presumptuous and rude to expect to stay weeks on end with someone.
> 
> When my wife and I go visit friends we often get a hotel.


Not everyone can afford a hotel and if we have the room why not? 
It's all part of being a caring family.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> Not everyone can afford a hotel and if we have the room why not?
> It's all part of being a caring family.


But if you can and you get one that doesn't make you any less caring, it can be just as caring to give people space.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

sokillme said:


> But if you can and you get one that doesn't make you any less caring, it can be just as caring to give people space.


I am more of an introvert and therefore find having people to stay draining. However there is no way that I would refuse to have family to stay.
Some couples I know have had very elderly and needy family members to stay for years rather than put them away in some home. I admire them a lot. 

People who visit are free to stay in a hotel if they choose to and can afford it, but I would always offer even though our house is small. 

It's all part of being family.


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## Pam (Oct 7, 2010)

That husband would have been totally frustrated with my family. My grandparents came to visit every month and stayed about 10 days. Some of those visits, my parents came and stayed a while, too. Of course, my (ex) husband ended up leaving me and going to live with my grandmother after my grandfather died. I waved goodbye happily and married a man who preferred me to her. Our family was/is totally accustomed to being together for extended periods of time; there are far fewer of us now, though.


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