# Should I stay with high school sweetheart? Confused



## Chriscross (Apr 26, 2016)

This is my first post hopefully I can gain some insight from people that have been similar situations. I meet my wife at 16(currently 32) and we have been together since,no off and on. When I meet her I was totally infatuated and soon after fell in love. Now we've always had our differences her(Gemini) me (cancer) but being in love makes those differences shrink. Around the age of 18 I started wondering hey what would it be like to date someone else,but I suppressed those thoughts out of love,loyalty and fear. As time moved on the once were little differences started to grow, then we had our first son. Shortly after she started pressing for us to get married and even gave me an ultimatum,like if we don't get married by this date I will have to rethink things and possibly move on . At the time I didnt want to because although I loved her to death I still was curious about what was out there. But out of fear of losing her I got married thinking what's the worst that could happen. Fast forward after having my second son I woke up one day just saying to myself wtf have I done? Is this the life I wanted? Or is this the life she wanted ? Am I happy ? Or am I content ? I was just so confused on top of that my religious views had did a 180 I was no longer into church and she is a person that doesn't miss a Sunday. Now over the years I've tried my best to suppress these feelings because honestly she is a phenomenal woman not perfect but really great and I'm lucky to have her . Am I being ungrateful? Is this a phase ? Sometimes I fell like she just may not be the woman for me as we have grown apart a lot and I feel very bad for this, considering how loyal she has been to me . Any Advice sorry for the long post


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

you brought new life into this world, twice. meditate on that a bit. people do not understand enough what an awesome thing this is.
you have also what you call a 'phenomenal' wife. ponder that for a while too.

you made your choices, and even if you didn't think them through as much as you would like, their YOUR choices.
by luck or whatever, you turned out to be one of the luckiest men on planet earth.

embrace that and celebrate it. stop thinking about what 'could be'. that's just b.s.

part of being a grown up in my book, is making your life choices and then spending the rest of your life making good on them.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

@Chriscross, 

If you could choose. Would you choose to have a loving passionate relationship with your wife and the mother of your children, or would you put your family through the effects of a divorce and roll the dice at finding something better? I agree with @jorgegene. You made a choice. Stop questioning whether that choice was a mistake and make that choice the right one. 

Have you tried anything to get those feelings back? The grass isn't so much greener somewhere else, it's greener where you water it. Try dating your W like you think would do with someone else. You might surprise yourself and her. 

Here's how, "Fall in Love, Stay in Love" and "His Needs, Her Needs"

Best


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

So whats the problem? She goes to church and you don't? So what, as long as she isn't pressuring you to go. You say you love her to death and are lucky to have her. Are you thinking the grass is greener? It's not. You had two children with her and it doesn't matter if you felt pressured to marry her, you should have married her she was pregnant. That's what honorable men do. Stay in your marriage and be grateful for what you have.


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## pplwatching (Jun 15, 2012)

I have a few thoughts, in no particular order.

Faith - The thing that I've realized during the 20+ years that I've been married is that we each have our own walk of faith that is always changing. Your faith of yesterday isn't your faith of today, and your faith of tomorrow won't be your faith today. You may end up doing another 180. Who knows. As long as each (and both) of you can respect each other's faith, or lack thereof, then faith doesn't have to be an issue. I will add, however, that if you want to walk beside your wife in her own personal walk of faith then you might consider attending services with her for no other reason than to show her that the things that she thinks are important are important to you even if you're not feeling it.

Love - George Burns (I think) once said that the biggest reason that his marriage lasted was that he and Gracie were never in love with each other at the same time. Feelings of romantic love ebb and flow over the years. Realizing this and choosing to stay committed to your spouse is called mature love. Sometimes one person carries the marriage, while the other searches for ways to reconnect. It sounds like it's your turn to learn to reconnect. Reconnecting begins with deciding to be a good husband to her. Do nice things for her. Pay her compliments. Help her when she needs help. Walk next to her in life. This is what is meant when people say "love is a verb" or "love is in our actions". We love by _doing_. Sometimes we find that feelings follow actions. If you choose to stay married, and act like a man who adores his wife, you might just find that those feelings come back.

Differences & change - Marriage is two completely unique people learning to live with each other's ever changing differences. We do this because if we can work together then we can achieve more than either could individually. We must be committed to constant personal change, because it will sometimes happen. We don't have to be the same, have the same tastes, or have the same interests. We have to support each other as each of those things changes.

Kids - Don't underestimate the impact of a divorce on kids. There's lots of studies that show either no effect or disaster, depending on the agenda of the web site. Lies, damned lies, and statistic.

Reasons you got married - It's easy in hindsight to say that you had your arm twisted into married for one reason or another, but in the end it was a choice that you made. The greatest thing about marriage is that it is a choice that we get to make again day after day.

Good luck


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Chriscross said:


> This is my first post hopefully I can gain some insight from people that have been similar situations. I meet my wife at 16(currently 32) and we have been together since,no off and on. When I meet her I was totally infatuated and soon after fell in love. Now we've always had our differences her(Gemini) me (cancer) but being in love makes those differences shrink. Around the age of 18 I started wondering hey what would it be like to date someone else,but I suppressed those thoughts out of love,loyalty and fear. As time moved on the once were little differences started to grow, then we had our first son. Shortly after she started pressing for us to get married and even gave me an ultimatum,like if we don't get married by this date I will have to rethink things and possibly move on . At the time I didnt want to because although I loved her to death I still was curious about what was out there. But out of fear of losing her I got married thinking what's the worst that could happen. Fast forward after having my second son I woke up one day just saying to myself wtf have I done? Is this the life I wanted? Or is this the life she wanted ? Am I happy ? Or am I content ? I was just so confused on top of that my religious views had did a 180 I was no longer into church and she is a person that doesn't miss a Sunday. Now over the years I've tried my best to suppress these feelings because honestly she is a phenomenal woman not perfect but really great and I'm lucky to have her . Am I being ungrateful? *Is this a phase ? *Sometimes I fell like she just may not be the woman for me as *we have grown apart a lot and I feel very bad for this, considering how loyal she has been to me .* Any Advice sorry for the long post


Yes. This is a Phase. It will pass with some effort on your part. Don't blow up your family. 

I doubt you have grown apart, at least not how you think. You have both grown up. You are not the kids you were 16 years ago....BUT, you have grown up together. I totally get it. MrsMarriedDude and I got married young -just like you -now its been 26 years together. You will get past this point. Life gets better and better. 

You have had this woman that loves you in your life so long -you have gotten used to having her there. It sounds like you aren't current capable of seeing the real treasure that you have with her. Do some more reading here....what you will see is that you have been given a gift of something so special, so rare -that your thankfulness for this gift should only be over-shadowed by the love you have for her and the family you have created. 

Wake up- look around -see your reality. Cherish and Protect this family you have. They are all relying on you.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

@Crisscross my brother was like you. He said he just woke up one day and wondering what to do with his life etc. So he left his wife and kids but quickly realised that the grass wasn't greener. Now he's trying to get his family back & is depressed. Don't make the same mistake as him. Now all he has is regret. 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

@Chriscross... You still here?


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

OK you can take this with the surety that defines taxes and death - NO WOMAN IS PERFECT! NO WIFE PRESENT OR IN THE FUTURE WILL BE PERFECT!

So now that we have that established lets see if I have this correct.

You are with a good (above average) woman who is the mother of your two sons. She (rightly in my opinion) pushed you to pi$$ or get off the pot in asking for marital commitment. You feel pressured by this (sound like a non committal kind of guy to me).

Now you are wondering what else is out there. She loves you and has said so to you.

What you need to do is …. WORK ON YOURSELF. You seem to have commitment issues and "maybe the grass is greener" issues both of which are your weaknesses, not hers. No marriage is perfect. No wife will be perfect. But what you have is better than most. So don't blow it.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Check out some of the post on this board, if only half of us got it right the first time like you seem to have there would be more good than bad stories here.

Don't screw up your family, just because you think better is out there, from reading your post how could there be better than what you already have?


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## Chriscross (Apr 26, 2016)

Taking it all in
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Be careful that you don't "pave paradise,and put up a parking lot" so to speak. Feeling like you've grown apart seems like it would be normal to me if my thoughts were always pushing against the family circle.


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Let me give you a glimpse of what might happen if you cheat or if you decide to leave your wife. You cheat and you become even more torn....on the one side you have a wife and children, life might not be super exciting like it was when you were first married but can this new woman offer you something long term or would this be fleeting and then you'd be crushed and again torn? If your wife found out what do you suppose would be her reaction? You think she would actually be understanding and forgiving and know in her heart that you would never do this again or would this shatter trust and hurt her beyond belief?

Wouldn't be nice if we could all divorce and be friends for the sake of our children, what a dream! Divorce can be real ugly, take a look at more of these posts here and what people are dealing with. Someone you once loved now hates you and wants revenge in the worst of ways! She moves on with her life, you move on with your, you both end up remarried, possible step children enter the picture that your children need to get along with, possibly live with. You might even become a stepdad....have fun with that one!Being screamed at by a 10 year old stepson and being told you are hated can really be hard to tolerate (and yes, I am saying all of this from experience). More children might enter the picture then your children not only have step siblings but half siblings. marriage to your new wife not only gets difficult because of the steps and dealing with an angry ex can make you want to crawl away from your own life. Oh but you can't, you are obligated to child support and possible alimony, a debt that you are going to be stuck with for 10+ years. Forget those vacations with your new wife! 

My suggestion to you is to seek counseling for what you are dealing with. A professional will be able to help you sort thru what you are feeling and dealing with.

I am happy for me that my cheating ex divorced me but it has been real hard on our now adult children. I remarried a man with children and the step family situation was literally a nightmare. My daughters ended up molested by their step brothers and when I stood up to protect my children husband's ex-wife called me a liar and my inlaws turned their backs on me.

Find excitement in what you have. There is nothing like having a faith loving friend and companion. Enjoy your time together, do things, see things but leave the fantasy behind you, that is all it is.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

Chriscross said:


> Am I being ungrateful? Is this a phase ? Sometimes I fell like she just may not be the woman for me as we have grown apart a lot and I feel very bad for this, considering how loyal she has been to me . Any Advice sorry for the long post


Individuals with wonderful partners will (too) often find themselves distancing. Did you ever go to Relationship School? What made you think that you had the skills necessary to make a relationship work? What made you think that you could move in with someone, have children, and interact with them almost 24/7, and make it work?

It is not the people that cause success or failure, it is the skills that those people use. Although, I have to add that it is very important for one to become a master at using those skills, which speaks to personal qualities and characteristics. So, if you use the same skills you are using now, but with someone new, then the same thing will happen in time.

You don't need to start over with someone new. You need to start over with yourself, primarily. Forget what you think you know and get on the path of reconnection. You have your catalyst. This doesn't have to be a process ( and shouldn't) be one that is based upon fixing all of her flaws and fixing all of your flaws. Don't take a counseling/therapy approach that focuses on the past. Focus on the future. 

Connection is what causes relationship success. Get there first.


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