# Is my husband too cheap?



## Xeveria80 (Apr 4, 2015)

My husband works full time and I work part time myself and am a housewife. Early in our marriage we both worked full time but it became difficult for me when I would clean the house on my days off and he would not be helpful in sharing those duties. He would just play video games. I am not a clean freak or anything, I just don't like living in a **** show of a house. Before we were married he would let dirty laundry pile up for weeks before he washed it. I probably should have spoke to him about that before we got married or lived together first, but I did not see it as a huge issue at the time. Anyways, after a year of marriage we decided that the best way would be for me to do the housework and work part time and make dinners while he worked full time. 

Here is the issue with our marriage and I would love your opinion..My husband is very conservative with our money. He will save and keep over $20,000 in our finances for anything that could happen. I admire it and think it's very smart. However, he loses sleep over it and we rarely will go out and do anything together as a couple. We make enough money between the two us to pay our bills and save mind you. He gives me a sum amount allowance every month to buy groceries and other personal items. If I use another card, he will confront me and tell me not to use the other debit card and if I am low on funds for groceries we need to buy ramen for the rest of the month. All of our arguments are about money. I believe in saving money, but at the same time I think it's great to live a little and buy items for enjoyment from time to time. I'd love to go out somewhere fun on a date with my husband without him worrying about money the whole time. I can't buy concert tickets without asking him first to surprise him. Likewise, he never surprises me with anything either. What should I do? I have talked to him before about this.

P.S.Here is an example that happened yesterday. I wanted to give my 2 nieces and my nephew some money in an Easter egg hunt to do tomorrow. He doesn't get excited about it at all. All he does is complain about how they don't need any money. That I don't need to buy them baskets too and do that. I feel like I married a scrooge!


----------



## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

Dear Xeveria80,

1) Would you rather him spend the money on gambling, my wife did, my wife would consider me to be a scrooge, I give her 60% of what I earn for groceries and her needs, She buys shoes once a month a $75 each. I pay the rest of the Bills

2) I have tried to live by a Charles ****ens fable "Income £1 expenditure £1 and 1d misery, Income £1 expenditure 19s 11d happiness".

I think it is necessary to be prudent but not that prudent.


----------



## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

Good evening America

Seems like your boards do not like the name of the author of "A Christmas Carol", "Oliver Twist" and others


----------



## skype (Sep 25, 2013)

Did he grow up in a poor family and so feels insecure about money?

He may also harbor resentment about you working part-time. You may consider going back full-time and hiring a maid service to clean the house.

I would see a financial consultant and ask him/her about how your money is allocated. It may relieve some of his worry.

And "He gives me a sum amount allowance every month to buy groceries and other personal items"--this has got to stop. A wife should not be given an "allowance" to buy groceries. Incredibly insulting.


----------



## Xeveria80 (Apr 4, 2015)

I am not sure even if he would let me have a maid? Maids are not cheap either. He did not come from a poor family. They were middle class. He was just raised to save for any purchases. I am also the one that does all of the household chores/duties. Ya, I just work part time, but I do the grocery shopping, pay the bills online, clean our home, make dinner, feed and make sure our pets are okay. The problem with our marriage is that there is no teamwork as far as household duties, which is why our first year of marriage was very unhappy for me. I was working 40 hours and commuting 45 minutes 2 times a day. I then would have to take care of our pets, do the shopping and clean the house while he got to play video games. I would ask him for help, but he would get mad at me for asking when he wanted to relax.

Yes, I may not do my part 100% by having a full time job, but he did not do his part 100% either with household duties. Which is why I went part time. Anyways, I am wondering if this a control issue for him? I am not asking for 5 star restaurants or designer purses even. I have driven my 1999 CRV for the past 10 years without a complaint. Just a date to do something fun maybe once a month. There have been a few times in our marriage when he called our income "his money." He is the breadwinner so yes I feel as though it's mainly "his money" that he worked for. 
Perhaps I am old fashioned? I don't mind being a part time housewife. I love taking care of him and it has worked better for our marriage. I just don't know if I am being controlled or if he really has too much anxiety about this. I honestly think that this would still be going on even if we were millionaires.


----------



## Cedar (Apr 2, 2015)

Dear xveria,

sometimes when we get married ,we expect that our partners would change; which rarely happen.
I am married to a lazy woman , I thought i would be able to change her but in vain .

many of my friends blame me because i never made things clear to her about my needs , her laziness etc ...

when a reached a dead end i was only punishing myself ...
bottom line ; when incompatibility exists from day one , at a certain point of time you need to make a decision about throwing the towel ; if you see at the end that you can't do it ; then the best approach is to try and try again to fix some of the issues.

it would be very fruitfull to think : what kept you struggling all this period;

I believe at this stage you need to talk and talk and talk to him until a change happen ; when you make it clear that it is a deal breaker he will change at least to meet some of your expectations.

i advise you to apprach him with the concept that marriage requires maintenance like a garden ...

if you go negative you will reach no where ; use your love , your charm; if he changes ; he is worth it otherwise he was never ...


----------



## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

I don't think there is enough information to know whether he is too cheap. The answer depends largely on data we don't have, like your debt level, financial goals, income and expense levels.

I think a $20k emergency fund is insufficient. The rule of thumb I've heard is six months' worth of expenses for a two-income family and a years' worth for a one-income family. Since you work part-time, you should be closer to the one year level. You might be able to live for six months on $20k, but not much more.

Wanting to go out one per month is not unreasonable. But I see a possibility that you want to do expensive stuff. Out here where I live (SoCal) going out to a concert, a Laker game, or Disneyland is going to be close to $300 to get there and park, get in, have a bite to eat; pretty spendy if money is tight.

Have a discussion with him where you agree on how much can be set aside for each of you for discretionary spending. That is money you can blow on entertainment, hobbies, etc.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

xeveria, this is the kind of thing that needs to be covered in therapy. Start going, tell him you want him to go, and if he refuses, you go anyway. Your therapist will give you a game plan for addressing it.


----------



## Mr.D.E.B.T. (Jul 19, 2012)

It sounds like you guys need to really sit down and talk about your lifestyle expectations. Your financial views don't seem too far apart, but there are enough differences for consistent conflict to arise. Think about talking to him about an alternative budget plan which would somewhat satisfy each of you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BrutalHonesty (Apr 5, 2015)

I think the way you presented things is a little confusing. You say you agree with the 20k emergency fund, but then you fuss about not being able to use that money for the occasional fun stuff. 

Let me ask you. If you are not making enough cash to have money for fun without going into the 20k stash, how long do you think that money is going to last? If you are constantly making less money than the one you are spending that in not sustainable. If you are responsible with money and you aren't making too little money why are you needing more?


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

My W and I basically went through the same thing. Truth be told, I kind of got tired of worrying about every nickle and dime. My W would feel bad for spending. I was tired of finding the balance in the checkbook lower than what I expected. It simply did not work. The only answer I could come up with was simply putting money in her account to spend as she wishes. My W is a SAHM. Fortunate for use we have the financial ability to move cash around. So, with that said money is put into her account to be used as she sees fit. I do not question. I do not ask. It is hers. She will buy things for her nieces, the house, our daughters, for herself, dinners with her friends, takes me to dinner on it, etc. It does not affect our main account for bills. It does not affect how I see were money is going. Keep in mind we still do dates, shopping for pleasure, outings and good times. It just works for us. It is an "allowance" of sorts I guess. Many couples budget an "allowance" for both. Money to spend as you see fit.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

One other item....the $20K. I can understand a rainy day fund but at least $15K of that money should be invested in a CD or other money making program. Let your money work for you for a change.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

DTO said:


> I don't think there is enough information to know whether he is too cheap. The answer depends largely on data we don't have, like your debt level, financial goals, income and expense levels.
> 
> I think a $20k emergency fund is insufficient. The rule of thumb I've heard is six months' worth of expenses for a two-income family and a years' worth for a one-income family. Since you work part-time, you should be closer to the one year level. You might be able to live for six months on $20k, but not much more.
> 
> ...


I do not know but 3 people who can save $20k. Most I know live check to check. Rule of thumb is not realistic in most peoples world. 

Better off investing the $20k in a fund that can be drawn on if needed in an emergency. Let it make money and not in a simple interest account.


----------



## Jeffyboy (Apr 7, 2015)

You need to create a "going out" budget category that's just as important as savings and bills. That way he won't feel like he's spending because it's a category like bills.


----------



## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

He is too cheap. At about year 10 I decided money was not worth arguing about. I decided to let my wife have everything she asked for....

She is not an extravagant woman, and will readily tell you she has NEVER asked for anything she did not get...As year 50 approaches, I just let her re-furnish the house, after a complete re model...

Last year I wanted to trade in her 2009 Impala for something nicer....I told the salesman that the first car she sat in, and said "This is nice" I would buy...That car was a Lincoln MKZ

If I want a new fishing rod, or a rifle, I get it....I retired 4 years ago, we are debt free and I paid off the house our son lives in, as well as his car, so if he could not work, he would not be a burden to us....He is paying us back, and if we die before he pays us off, I will sue him...Lets face it folks, after a certain age, everything is for your kids anyhow....

I have a HS diploma, but managed to make pretty good money due to my mechanical design skills...We get what we want, but don't want a lot....I saw the real estate bubble about to burst and cashed out....My 401K increased 500% over what I put in....

We live in a 2,000 sq ft brick home in a good neighborhood, and have a sports car as well as the Lincoln, and an older truck...

You can live a very good life on a modest income if you avoid debt and high interest rates...

And yes, she still resents it if I don't do enough around the house....


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Must be nice to be able to afford all that...


----------



## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

I agree that you need a category for "fun expenses". Just put $20 a week or whatever you can arrange into an envelope and when you have $100 (or whatever would be sufficient), go out and have a good time.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Beings myself & Husband are both savers.. we have a need to have a "ready stash" for any emergency, another used car.. a new roof - whatever comes down the road.. 

YET there is always a "healthy" balance in this.. You DO sound reasonable to me - as a wife wanting to also get out, have some FUN.. with his not being obsessed with every little dollar amount.. he seems very uptight.. and one day he may look back and realize this.. that he is sucking all the ZEST out of life's enjoyments. 

Money is also there for us to *ENJOY life.*..bring color & build memories you all cherish... not just for paying bills and staying afloat...

How to get him to see this.. I wonder if he is even open to family vacations?? 

In our marriage.. I was a little tighter over my husband..so I never had to deal with him worrying over money.. I was more guilty of this personally... but still I kept a logical mind...putting each situation into realistic perspective..

Can we spare this extra amount -for the pure enjoyment/ smiles on their faces and still be doing "just fine"... 90% of the time .. the answer is YES!... so we go ahead...for the kids, for us... if we are fretting every moment.. if every bite we take.. we are imaging eating dollar bills.. how sad is that.

Does he have any hobbies HE spends extra on.. if he can just see that YOU.. the kids.. allowing a little of that to happen -for them.. that it's worth it.. for the happiness of the family.. and still the stash is there ...you're doing WELL !...still ready for that emergency .... He needs a new improved mindset here..


----------



## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

My wife complains that I'm too cheap - we both work and make decent $, and while she's not a spendthrift, she has the attitude that she can spend the $ as she makes $. She also leaves lights on all over the house (which drives me nuts), and allows her sister to use us as a trust fund (notwithstanding the fact that we have two small children).

Now, that can go too far (the comment about the Easter Egg hunt is over the line from your husband). I usually don't comment too much about finances (my wife has as much knowledge about money as our dog) as that just starts a fight.


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

go back to work full time.

make him do his own laundry and take turns cooking and cleaning. if he doesn't do his fair share let his stuff pile up not your fault if hes a messy pig.

split the bills proportionally.


----------

