# Please help me



## Snj1991 (Jan 2, 2018)

Me and my wife have separated this isn’t the first time, as we split 3 years ago due to her beginning an EA with a colleague. She got pregnant by me during this time but I had to DNA test my child as I didn’t believe she didn’t sleep with him. The child is mine, but I could never let go what she did so turned into a horrible, controlling husband, we tried to make it work but separated again due to arguments and still tried to make it work. Here we are again, separated for 3 months now and shes found her own place too. Everytime I’ve tried to talk about reconciliation, she’s turned me down. She’s over me, she’s happier and she doesn’t miss anything about me apparently. Whilst we’ve been separated, one of my family friends started paying me attention and things were getting to a point where I thought we were going to get together, but I realised I was just vulnerable and wasn’t ready. My wife kept hassling me about other people but I just told her that nothing happened and I don’t want to be with the other person at all. Her reaction to this was to sign up to dating websites, I’ve had mixed signals from her up until I asked what was going on in her life, she tells me she met some random bloke off the website and they’ve had sex, she told me this almost revelling in it and I’m heartbroken. Honestly do not know what to do.


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## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

What is it that you want to happen? And why?


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## Snj1991 (Jan 2, 2018)

Up until finding out about her sleeping with someone else, I’d wanted to reconcile but I don’t think I can find a way past the disgust with it all, I wanted to reconcile because I of course, love this woman and we have two beautiful children as well, I never felt like it wasn’t anything that wasn’t repairable until this point.


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## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

It sounds like it wasn't the same after the first go around. With all that has happened, are you sure you're not pining for "The Way We Were" instead of the person she is now to you?


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

You never forgave her first affair

You never trusted her again and never will and her action shows you she not trust worthy.

Move on you both will be happier.


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## Snj1991 (Jan 2, 2018)

I do agree that maybe it is the way we were, but don’t get me wrong. We’ve had some amazing times until we split up. Just hard knowing she’s been with someone else already and sleeping with basically strangers of websites.


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## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

Sounds like the marriage was never fully salvaged to me. Not sure what can be done about it but I am sure that BOTH of you have to want it.


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## Snj1991 (Jan 2, 2018)

Don’t know how to cope with the images of them together and knowing I’ve got my children this weekend and she will probably be up to the same again, hurts like hell.


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## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

I'm sorry you're hurting. Have you considered some type of counseling for yourself?


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## Snj1991 (Jan 2, 2018)

I’ve been in counselling before when we separated for the second time and found it really no use, only because the only person I feel that can make this all better is my wife, who clearly has forgotten about me and moved on.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Snj1991 said:


> I’ve been in counselling before when we separated for the second time and found it really no use, only because the only person I feel that can make this all better is my wife, who clearly has forgotten about me and moved on.


Whats good for the goose.....

Maybe its time to take a gander!


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## Snj1991 (Jan 2, 2018)

Haha I don’t know what you mean by the goose comment *smacks forehead*


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## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)




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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Snj1991 said:


> I’ve been in counselling before when we separated for the second time and found it really no use, only because the only person I feel that can make this all better is my wife, who clearly has forgotten about me and moved on.


I've been through this. I know what you're feeling.
How would you feel if you got on dating sites and had 10 women all wanting you and telling you how great you are? Would you still feel that pining for a cheating **** is the best way to spend your time?

Your wife is not wife material. Take heart and build yourself a new life. She cannot fix this. Nor can a counselor. YOU can.

She's not forgotten you. The mixed signals are just her trying to keep you pining for her...
Wouldn't you like to think half the ladies on earth were all pining for you? She's not greedy, she just gets her kicks out of YOU pining for her.

My ex literally told me after I found a super beautiful, much younger woman to date, that she was hoping I'd be miserable kefir a while "because I deserved it"......

Dude, you're screwing yourself. The best way to get her back, if you were actually that stupid, I'd mmmm is to move on with another woman, more attractive than she is...


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

You were right not to get involved with another woman right now. Sleeping around will not help you. Your wife is acting terribly. I feel so much for the children having a mother like that who thinks nothing of them, only herself. Such selfishness.


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## Snj1991 (Jan 2, 2018)

This behaviour is from someone who used to turn her nose up at people who would just sleep around and used to talk badly about it, she said she isn’t proud of it but she seemed to enjoy me suffering even saying to our daughter “daddy’s got to go now and cry.” There’s just an alien standing where my wife used to stand. I wasn’t the best husband after her first one but I always had her best interests at heart. I’m struggling with the finality of it all but I do appreciate everyone’s comments to help me through this so thank you everyone.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Enjoy, in light of all of this, it seems that your wife is rubbing it your face which means there is intent to hurt you and at the same time a scotch earth process, me think she has been planning this for a while....at this moment I suggest you file and you causally date, this wil send to messages to her that your done and moving on...after all that is what she told you.


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## Snj1991 (Jan 2, 2018)

I do intend to casually date, but a separated Dad of two doesn’t really seem to have much of a chance haha. We’ve agreed to file after two years of living separately because it’s so much cheaper to have a no fault divorce in the UK. I really don’t think I could have her back after sleeping with someone else, just the thought of it disgusts me.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Two years separated?

Yes, you really need desperately to date


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## Snj1991 (Jan 2, 2018)

Noo separated for 3 months so far, but that’s the best option for divorce where you’ve been separated two years, as it can then be a no fault divorce.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Snj1991 said:


> This behaviour is from someone who used to turn her nose up at people who would just sleep around and used to talk badly about it, she said she isn’t proud of it but she seemed to enjoy me suffering even saying to our daughter “daddy’s got to go now and cry.” There’s just an alien standing where my wife used to stand. I wasn’t the best husband after her first one but I always had her best interests at heart. I’m struggling with the finality of it all but I do appreciate everyone’s comments to help me through this so thank you everyone.


You should have responded thats because your mom is a cheating *****!

No don't do that.Take the high road. 

Your daughter will see things the way they are.

Just only talk to the cheating vandictive ***** when you have to about your daughter.

Improve yourself and know life will move on. You will be better off on the long run.


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## pragmaticGoddess (Nov 29, 2017)

The marriage you described sounds toxic. It seems your wife got a lot of satisfaction from telling you she had sex with a random man. She is very immature. I would just move on and focus on improving myself. Even of you had IC which you found ineffective, read books on how to make yourself a better person for the next SO that comes along. 

Don’t sleep with someone else just to get back at yourwife but move beyond her. You’ve already separated twice before. You have attempted to repair this marriage it might be time to accept the demise of this relationship at least until your wife matures up.


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## Snj1991 (Jan 2, 2018)

When do you start feeling better about everything? Throughout the 3 months I feel worse now than when we split, much more so after her little revelation yesterday


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Snj1991 said:


> I’ve been in counselling before when we separated for the second time and found it really no use, only because the only person I feel that can make this all better is my wife, who clearly has forgotten about me and moved on.


The only person who can make this better is YOU, Not your cheating wife. She is NOT who you thought she was, and the fact is, the first EA was just the first sign of who she really is. I hate to say this, but you didn't know her as well as you thought (which is really true for everyone). She has shown you her true colors -- do you REALLY want a person with her cheating morals as your wife? Start working on YOU -- work out, start some hobbies you've always wanted, and go 180 on her. Hit a lawyer and find out your rights and what you can expect. Protect your self financially also!!! Have a VAR on you when you interact with her in case she pulls anything.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Snj1991 said:


> This behaviour is from someone who used to turn her nose up at people who would just sleep around and used to talk badly about it, she said she isn’t proud of it but she seemed to enjoy me suffering even saying to our daughter “daddy’s got to go now and cry.” There’s just an alien standing where my wife used to stand. I wasn’t the best husband after her first one but I always had her best interests at heart. I’m struggling with the finality of it all but I do appreciate everyone’s comments to help me through this so thank you everyone.


Just because she is acting badly doesn't mean that you have to as well. You are still married, so if you want casual sex remember that. 
One of the things that I was attracted to about my husband was the fact that he acted with decency and integrity towards his ex all through the divorce, despite the fact that she had cheated. Had he acted as some here are advising, I wouldn't have given him a second look. How we act under pressure shows a lot about what sort of people we are.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Snj1991 said:


> Noo separated for 3 months so far, but that’s the best option for divorce where you’ve been separated two years, as it can then be a no fault divorce.


Its easy to divorce for unreasonable behaviour in the uk.


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## Snj1991 (Jan 2, 2018)

I have no intention of sleeping around as I know I’ll only be using it as an unhealthy coping mechanism. I’m not angry about it all really because she has shown no interest in reconciling and we have been separated 3 months. Just incredibly lonely and it hurts knowing that she’s been intimate with someone else, whether or not it develops into a relationship where he will then have a position with my children remains to be seen. I’ve only been kind and fair throughout our separation so I really don’t feel I deserve hurtful comments.


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## messenger (Nov 29, 2017)

Watch Emmanuel tv marriage and reconciliation you'll be grateful later, yes you can heal with your wife and start all over again


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## Snj1991 (Jan 2, 2018)

Having just googled the Emmanuel tv thing, I don’t feel I can relate to it as I’m not a religious person unfortunately but thank you. I’m so surprised I haven’t heard anything from her by now, even just a message about the children to see if I’ll reply.


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## dawnabon (Mar 11, 2017)

Snj1991 said:


> I do intend to casually date, but a separated Dad of two doesn’t really seem to have much of a chance haha. We’ve agreed to file after two years of living separately because it’s so much cheaper to have a no fault divorce in the UK. I really don’t think I could have her back after sleeping with someone else, just the thought of it disgusts me.


Being a separated dad won't hurt you in the dating department. There are plenty of women who will be fine with that!

Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

Snj1991 said:


> When do you start feeling better about everything? Throughout the 3 months I feel worse now than when we split, much more so after her little revelation yesterday


Here's a clue... In general women hate weak men. The weaker your seem and the more she will hammer you. You pining for her gives her a sense that she has power over you. You need to stop that s**t ASAP and take control. You probably aren't going to get her back so I would start to act like you don't give a crap about her and just worry about your kids and yourself. In my experience by doing this there is some small chance she will start showing some interest in you again. However if that happens don't make the mistake of responding immediately. You need to be cold and distant with her. You should file for divorce and start getting your ducks in a row. No matter what you ultimately want, crying gets you nothing. You will only succeed through strength. 

I've done the whole crying game and it doesn't work. What worked is getting my a** to the the gym and getting myself out there. It turns out I met someone way better than my Ex and am now happily remarried. Every case is different but for people in your situation this is the best advice 90% of the time.


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## Snj1991 (Jan 2, 2018)

dawnabon said:


> Being a separated dad won't hurt you in the dating department. There are plenty of women who will be fine with that!
> 
> Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


I haven’t actually said that I’m only 26, so it seems it’s a funny age where people are now settling down with their own families, or they don’t want to be involved with someone who has kids! Also, because I see my children twice during the week and then have them every weekend, I don’t think I’ll really have the time for someone else to come in to my life.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

So she’s turned you into a baby sitter.
Google serial cheater. Your wife can’t be fixed. She should not marry anyone.
Most importantly look up the 180. Follow it’s instructions to the letter isf you want to heal as fast as possible. This marriage has been floundering for a long time, it just wasn’t a good match.


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## Snj1991 (Jan 2, 2018)

Chaparral said:


> So she’s turned you into a baby sitter


This was at my insistence to see my children so much, they are my entire world. I’m not complaining that I won’t have time for someone else, it was more of an observation. 

It used to be a good match, until the first EA, then it turned me horrible. As we all know, it’s taken two of us to break this marriage up and I can fully understand why she’s decided she couldn’t do it anymore. Also, I don’t classify her as “cheating” as she’s never really given me a hope of reconciling and we’ve been separated in different houses for 3 months. It just hurts knowing she’s had sex with someone else, and has definitely decided she doesn’t want to reunite as a family. 
I wrote on this forum, mainly just to try and process what’s going on in her head, because this is not the woman I married, less than 4 years ago.


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## username77 (Dec 27, 2017)

Go no contact, remove her from social media, only speak to her in general terms on the kids well-being. She did this to hurt you, it worked, and she knows it. You gave her what she wanted and she's loving it. Pull a 180 and stop being such a weakling.

Stop giving her the satisfaction. Ignore what she does, take reconciliation off the table in your own mind. If you do all this in 6 months things will be fine and likely moved on to someone better suited for you. If you keep doing what you're doing, you will be in the same position in 5 years.


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## Snj1991 (Jan 2, 2018)

username77 said:


> If you keep doing what you're doing, you will be in the same position in 5 years.


This was particularly poignant, as a few friends have said this to me. 
I took her off all social media a while back as I knew in time, I’d see something I didnt want to. We only communicate through text message, although when I see my children, I have to drive 40 minutes to get there so I have to see them on her property, which is usually when things are said, it’s just so so hard not to talk to someone you love despite everything, I wish it’ll go away.


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## dawnabon (Mar 11, 2017)

Chaparral said:


> So she’s turned you into a baby sitter.
> Google serial cheater. Your wife can’t be fixed. She should not marry anyone.
> Most importantly look up the 180. Follow it’s instructions to the letter isf you want to heal as fast as possible. This marriage has been floundering for a long time, it just wasn’t a good match.


He's got slightly less than 50/50 custody. He isn't a babysitter, he's a parent. 

OP, I am not trying to diminish your very legitimate anxieties, but I don't think you will have trouble finding women willing to work with your situation. My niece just married a 26yo single dad this summer.

But trust me when I say that being alone is WAY better than being stuck in the hell of marriage to a remorseless cheater. I'll take netflix and my cats any day over that mess. 

Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


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## Snj1991 (Jan 2, 2018)

I can’t help but feel she’s in some sort of crisis or something, seeing someone take genuine pleasure in hurting someone and she’s expressed displeasure in the house she lives in and her body before so it’s like she’s trying to run away from her problems, I know this isn’t something i can help with nor something that I should really care about. I just can’t stop trying to analyse and diagnose what’s happened.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Snj1991 said:


> This was at my insistence to see my children so much, they are my entire world. I’m not complaining that I won’t have time for someone else, it was more of an observation.
> 
> It used to be a good match, until the first EA, then it turned me horrible. As we all know, it’s taken two of us to break this marriage up and I can fully understand why she’s decided she couldn’t do it anymore. Also, I don’t classify her as “cheating” as she’s never really given me a hope of reconciling and we’ve been separated in different houses for 3 months. It just hurts knowing she’s had sex with someone else, and has definitely decided she doesn’t want to reunite as a family.
> I wrote on this forum, mainly just to try and process what’s going on in her head, because this is not the woman I married, less than 4 years ago.


Trying to understand what is going on in her head is an exercise in futility.

If you insist on understanding this situation from her perspective, just remember this simple principle:

People passionately pursue that which they want. She is doing it because she wants to do it. Trying to discern the why in that is futile.

It really is that simple.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Snj1991 said:


> I can’t help but feel she’s in some sort of crisis or something, seeing someone take genuine pleasure in hurting someone and she’s expressed displeasure in the house she lives in and her body before so it’s like she’s trying to run away from her problems, I know this isn’t something i can help with nor something that I should really care about. I just can’t stop trying to analyse and diagnose what’s happened.


Google the term "pain shopping".

Then stop doing it. Period.

You are now punishing yourself. That you can't let go is not her fault...it is yours.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Hit the gym hard and put your focus into being healthy and strong. Screw your soon to be ex wife, just talk to her only regarding the kids. There are plenty of hot single moms available that you will be soon dating, banging, and once once you find a good one, blending your kids together and having a great time. You're young and your life just has begun. Start being positive. Start dating. You'll get your confidence back in no time.


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## Snj1991 (Jan 2, 2018)

farsidejunky said:


> Google the term "pain shopping".
> 
> Then stop doing it. Period.
> 
> You are now punishing yourself. That you can't let go is not her fault...it is yours.


I can’t see how I’m intentionally looking for things related to whatever she’s doing? Unless I’ve got the wrong interpretation of it. I only asked because she had been asking me what I’d been up to and I wasn’t expecting her to tell me, much less enjoy it too. I physically can’t switch the thoughts off of everything though. Feeling so anxious because this only the first day, I don’t know how I’m going to feel in a week or a month whatever and that terrifies me.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Exit affair and burning the bridge behind her by rubbing your nose in it. She wants to hurt you brother. Just let her go. 

BTW, there are ways to D quicker in the UK and it sounds like she wants it. Give her what she says she wants and go find someone better.


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## Snj1991 (Jan 2, 2018)

Tron said:


> BTW, there are ways to D quicker in the UK and it sounds like she wants it. Give her what she says she wants and go find someone better.


There are quicker ways to go about divorce I know! But it’s the cost of the bloody thing! Which is why we opted for the no fault way. Thankfully, that doesn’t bother me about staying marriage legally for now, let’s face it, she’s rendered our marriage to nothing but a bit of paper.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Snj1991 said:


> There are quicker ways to go about divorce I know! But it’s the cost of the bloody thing! Which is why we opted for the no fault way. Thankfully, that doesn’t bother me about staying marriage legally for now, let’s face it, she’s rendered our marriage to nothing but a bit of paper.



while you are waiting for the divorce, i would start removing her name from important documents like life insurance and bank accounts. In fact in the mean time i would make a list of documents that you need to remove her name and when...like medical, deeds, and the such.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Until you ACCEPT that your marriage is over, you will wallow on self pity, playing the WHY game, the WHAT IF game, and the HOPE game in your head.... 

You can stay in this stage of limbo indefinitely if you allow yourself to.

End the marriage as fast as humanly possible. 

I know you're not going to listen. But the fact remains that your best chance of either/or getting your wife back, or moving on with someone else by forgetting your wife and putting this behind you; that's the best chance you have of being happy again.

You have zero chance of reconciling as long as your wife sees you as a weak puppy who can't get along in life without her. It will only repulse her for you to look sad and desolate with no hope. You will only push her farther away by showing her you care. And her repulsion for you will make her so evil things to you, just like she is doing.

If you get your **** together, start working out, doing things fun, building yourself a new future WITHOUT her, she may start seeing you S a different person and reach out. However, you SHOULD not and WILL NOT want her when you get your mind right and develop some strength and self confidence.

Your worst enemy right now is the hope that you can reconcile with your wife. That hope alone, ensures it won't happen. It's just the way this works. The only men that see positive results are the ones that move away from their wife, not toward.

I'm sorry that my advice is so difficult to follow. I couldn't do it. I'm divorced.


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## Snj1991 (Jan 2, 2018)

We removed each other off everything when she moved out.

Kind of going through the motions right now, what do you think would make her realise what she’s throwing away and making a mistake? I know I shouldn’t be dwelling on that but I’m more curious than anything


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Nothing will make her realize that , other than the realistic fear of losing you totally and at the same time seeing you as a fun, confident, strong person that other women want. 99% chance that won't work. If she sees you dating, that will likely ruin your chances.

But bro, she has shown you how much she values you in her life. Logically, why in hell would you want a wife who values you so poorly.

My advice: don't sleep around. Work out, detach, date and wait for a good person to come along. And set divorced as fast as possible.

You see this divorce as a horrible thing. In time you will realize she is giving you a gift.
Really. I mean that.


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## Snj1991 (Jan 2, 2018)

Evinrude58 said:


> Until you ACCEPT that your marriage is over, you will wallow on self pity, playing the WHY game, the WHAT IF game, and the HOPE game in your head....
> 
> You can stay in this stage of limbo indefinitely if you allow yourself to.
> 
> ...


I agree with all your advice but you as say it is difficult to implement, I don’t think I want her back after her sleeping with someone else and rubbing it in my face, and presumably either having someone else round or beginning some form of relationship with the same person.


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## Snj1991 (Jan 2, 2018)

If I’m honest, mostly it’s because of how we used to be and really I suppose, living in the past, also I miss my children so much.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

It's the worst pain imaginable. Nobody understands until it happens to them.

I pray you will find some strength and put her behind you. You say you're not a religious person. I'm not a Bible thumper, but I do believe In Jesus..... and I truly believe if you search for him in your heart and ask Him for help, you will see in time, when you look back on this after you're through it--- He is a friend that will answer your call for help and help you in ways you can't possibly imagine.

You don't have to be in pain over this forever. Choose to move forward with your life. You'll tgank yourself later that you did.

Btw, the person you loved and the person she is now are not the same person. Ask yourself if she seems totally different... treat her like the stranger she has become.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Snj1991 said:


> Up until finding out about her sleeping with someone else, I’d wanted to reconcile but I don’t think I can find a way past the disgust with it all, I wanted to reconcile because I of course, love this woman and we have two beautiful children as well, I never felt like it wasn’t anything that wasn’t repairable until this point.


She could have told you she slept with someone to hurt you. She suspected you of doing the same thing, with the friend of the relative, right?

Either way, even if i was a lie [sleeping with a stranger off the internet]; This is equal to a real physical betrayal.
My gut feeling says she lied about this. Who knows?


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## Snj1991 (Jan 2, 2018)

SunCMars said:


> She could have told you she slept with someone to hurt you. She suspected you of doing the same thing, with the friend of the relative, right?
> 
> Either way, even if i was a lie [sleeping with a stranger off the internet]; This is equal to a real physical betrayal.
> My gut feeling says she lied about this. Who knows?



This has crossed my mind as she was very upset when I told her about it, but as you say, even if she had made it up about the other person which I highly doubt, then I still would never be able to believe her that it didn’t happen. I wish these feelings had a switch, although I haven’t made any attempts to contact her or anything in ages. I really just need to find that mental place to just forget about her and move on.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Evinrude58 said:


> Nothing will make her realize that , other than the realistic fear of losing you totally and at the same time seeing you as a fun, confident, strong person that other women want. 99% chance that won't work. If she sees you dating, that will likely ruin your chances.
> 
> But bro, she has shown you how much she values you in her life. Logically, why in hell would you want a wife who values you so poorly.
> 
> ...


This.

Ask yourself honestly why you don't love yourself enough to refuse to accept this type of treatment.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Snj1991 said:


> This has crossed my mind as she was very upset when I told her about it, but as you say, even if she had made it up about the other person which I highly doubt, then I still would never be able to believe her that it didn’t happen. I wish these feelings had a switch, although I haven’t made any attempts to contact her or anything in ages. I really just need to find that mental place to just forget about her and move on.


Yes, the 'woman scorned' response.

Revenge affair.


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## Snj1991 (Jan 2, 2018)

I suppose that’s what it comes down to, I guess because I know she used to be kind and sweet but now the true colours have been shown, I don’t feel like I could forgive her and have her back if she ever wanted to. It’s easy to try and rationalise that she’s probably just as hurt as I am and is just in a kind of crisis, but she’s made her choices so will have to live with the consequences, I cannot be responsible for her decisions.


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## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

Snj1991 said:


> If I’m honest, mostly it’s because of how we used to be and really I suppose, living in the past, also I miss my children so much.


Could it be that part of you may be missing being married with a family than actually missing her? That was a hard adjustment for me when I divorced. I liked the "safety" of being married...kind of made me feel I was providing a good home for my children. 

However, it was such an incredible relief, too, when finally split. A huge weight was lifted and I was healthier emotionally and physically. 

There are still good times ahead for you and your children once you work past the pain. Focus on your children instead of your wife and making a good life with them. You're still their Dad and they know that. 

Good luck to you


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## Snj1991 (Jan 2, 2018)

VibrantWings said:


> Could it be that part of you may be missing being married with a family than actually missing her? That was a hard adjustment for me when I divorced. I liked the "safety" of being married...kind of made me feel I was providing a good home for my children.
> 
> However, it was such an incredible relief, too, when finally split. A huge weight was lifted and I was healthier emotionally and physically.
> 
> ...


I think you’re right, for the most part our marriage lacked intimacy through both our failings but it’s probably comes down to wanting to stay as a family and the “safety” of marriage and fear of being alone.


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## MidnightBlue (Nov 20, 2017)

So, she tells you she no longer wants you but hassles you over the idea of you talking to someone? It seems like she’s reveling in the thought of your pain. Personally, I wouldn’t want to be with someone who took delight in causing me misery. 

Even if you did become controlling after her EA, she owns that response from you. Did she think you were supposed to just let go and act as if nothing happened?


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## Snj1991 (Jan 2, 2018)

MidnightBlue said:


> So, she tells you she no longer wants you but hassles you over the idea of you talking to someone? It seems like she’s reveling in the thought of your pain. Personally, I wouldn’t want to be with someone who took delight in causing me misery.
> 
> Even if you did become controlling after her EA, she owns that response from you. Did she think you were supposed to just let go and act as if nothing happened?


At first, I misconstrued this as maybe she was regretting leaving but now I can see that either she doesn’t want me to be with anyone else and just pine for her or she was hoping I’d slept with someone to make her actions ok. 
I was a real a**hole after the EA and literally tried to control her relationships with everyone but this wasn’t obviously born out of nowhere, doesn’t make it right still. She seemed sorry for it at first but I never felt she did enough to be there for me and she used to say all the time “if you’ve decided to take me back then you should trust me” literally makes my blood boil thinking of that stupid sentence. The more I post on here and read other forums, I can see I’ll be better off. I really think it’s losing the family unit and holding onto the past and being fearful of the future is what’s holding me back and I’m glad I can think like that right now, although with emotions running so high, this could change and I could be pining for her again tomorrow (stupidly).


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## dawnabon (Mar 11, 2017)

Snj1991 said:


> At first, I misconstrued this as maybe she was regretting leaving but now I can see that either she doesn’t want me to be with anyone else and just pine for her or she was hoping I’d slept with someone to make her actions ok.
> I was a real a**hole after the EA and literally tried to control her relationships with everyone but this wasn’t obviously born out of nowhere, doesn’t make it right still. She seemed sorry for it at first but I never felt she did enough to be there for me and she used to say all the time “if you’ve decided to take me back then you should trust me” literally makes my blood boil thinking of that stupid sentence. The more I post on here and read other forums, I can see I’ll be better off. I really think it’s losing the family unit and holding onto the past and being fearful of the future is what’s holding me back and I’m glad I can think like that right now, although with emotions running so high, this could change and I could be pining for her again tomorrow (stupidly).


It's a roller coaster. It'll get better with time. 

Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


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## MidnightBlue (Nov 20, 2017)

You had the right to be a butt after she betrayed you. So she had to squirm a little. She should have been grateful that you didn’t drop her on her cheating hind end. 

You’ll be pining for the family and the woman you thought she was. She turned out to be something much less deserving of your love.


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## Fishnbuddy (Sep 3, 2017)

I sure would like to hear both sides of the story but it sounds like to me you pushed her away so let it go


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## Snj1991 (Jan 2, 2018)

So here we are, pining again 😔. 

Probably in a state of denial but can’t but feel she’s just in a crisis. 

For some reason, I can’t help but feel she still loves me somewhere in her heart and has just got lost along the way. 

I hate this.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Obviously, you can't change her. She's going to do what she wants to do, regardless. 

Focus on yourself.


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## username77 (Dec 27, 2017)

Snj1991 said:


> So here we are, pining again 😔.
> 
> Probably in a state of denial but can’t but feel she’s just in a crisis.
> 
> ...


Ok now you're just being a bit pathetic. If you refuse to help yourself even a little bit, and do constructive things to move forward, you kinda deserve the misery you're creating for yourself and deserve to wallow in it.


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## Pepe1970 (Aug 25, 2017)

Snj1991 said:


> When do you start feeling better about everything? Throughout the 3 months I feel worse now than when we split, much more so after her little revelation yesterday


My man don't worry about those questions, everybody's different. For some it takes a few months for others it takes a hole life. 
Do what I did when I learned about my wife's cheating. Repair yourself, that must be the main issue right now. Even thought it hurt me like hell, I refused to be consumed by the suffering. 
I started to get really busy working extra hours, going to the gym, getting busy with my 3 kids. Pushed myself out of the confort zone. Hustle, hustle, hustle. No break-no quarter.
Now ten months after, I'm at the end of my recovery.
I know what I'm telling you because I lived it.
It all come to be up to you. You will choose how you're going to go through your situation. Wish you the best.

Sent from my QMV7A using Tapatalk


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## Snj1991 (Jan 2, 2018)

Just got back from viewing a nursery for my daughter with wife. 
Had no contact with her the last few days, except to tell me our son had some jabs yesterday. I just replied that i hope he was ok with them. 
First of all, she said she was surprised that I didn’t contact last night to see if he was ok, I said you’d have told me if there was anything wrong, she wasn’t satisfied with this and said it was weird. 
Then she said to me are you still in a mood about the other night? I just said I’m here to see my children. She said oh that’s changed now has it? 
Her Mum was looking after our son whilst we went to the nursery and when we got back she was trying to be almost normal with me in front of her, I have no interest in being a friend to her. She asked me what I’m up to and I just said I have plans. She asked what I was doing but I just said I’m here for the children. 
She clearly either doesn’t care how much this stuff hurts or doesn’t know how much it does.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

You did well.

If divorce is imminent, where you go and what you do is none of her business anymore.

"Wife, conversations such as this are for people who are engaged in a relationship. You have made it clear that we have no future in this regard, so I won't be discussing such matters with you."

When you state the aforementioned, do so with zero anger, vitriol, or emotion. State it in a matter of fact fashion, as if you were asking for stamps at the post office.

You see, she's okay with losing you, but not okay with somebody else having you. You are supposed to pursue her as she turns you down.

In this way, you have to lose in order for her to win. Remember that the next time she offers to be friends.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Snj1991 said:


> Me and my wife have separated this isn’t the first time, as we split 3 years ago due to her beginning an EA with a colleague. She got pregnant by me during this time but I had to DNA test my child as I didn’t believe she didn’t sleep with him. The child is mine, but I could never let go what she did so turned into a horrible, controlling husband, we tried to make it work but separated again due to arguments and still tried to make it work. Here we are again, separated for 3 months now and shes found her own place too. Everytime I’ve tried to talk about reconciliation, she’s turned me down. She’s over me, she’s happier and she doesn’t miss anything about me apparently. Whilst we’ve been separated, one of my family friends started paying me attention and things were getting to a point where I thought we were going to get together, but I realised I was just vulnerable and wasn’t ready. My wife kept hassling me about other people but I just told her that nothing happened and I don’t want to be with the other person at all. Her reaction to this was to sign up to dating websites, I’ve had mixed signals from her up until I asked what was going on in her life, she tells me she met some random bloke off the website and they’ve had sex, she told me this almost revelling in it and I’m heartbroken. Honestly do not know what to do.


Only read 1st post...... utter urinating contest. And who wins those?


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Snj1991 said:


> *I do intend to casually date, but a separated Dad of two doesn’t really seem to have much of a chance* haha. We’ve agreed to file after two years of living separately because it’s so much cheaper to have a no fault divorce in the UK. I really don’t think I could have her back after sleeping with someone else, just the thought of it disgusts me.


I have $100 which says you're wrong.....


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## Snj1991 (Jan 2, 2018)

Chuck71 said:


> Only read 1st post...... utter urinating contest. And who wins those?


Can honestly say, I didn’t tell her to spite her or make her jealous. In fact what happened was, we took our kids to a play area and I was strapping our daughter in when my phone went off in the front and she looked. I then just said that she was paying me attention whilst I was vulnerable and was enjoying someone take an interest. I honestly felt awful about her getting upset about it.

Whereas she enjoyed telling me about her night of passion. A few people have said that she probably did it out of revenge to me, but this is coming from someone who said they’re done with me, over it and never coming back, so I don’t know. :scratchhead:


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

farsidejunky said:


> You did well.
> 
> If divorce is imminent, where you go and what you do is none of her business anymore.
> 
> ...


THIS ^

She is acting like a child, therefore.... treat her as one. She could have very well lied to you

about sleeping around. But.... your friend, I am guessing she knew nothing about her.

You telling her.... may have been the right thing in your eyes but she took it as a slap.

-Well he's obviously got somebody, so will I- Either way.... it's teenage BS.

Maybe.......maybe..... five years down the road, possibly kick the can about.... dating again.

Yet usually.... by then.... you have moved on. I know you're dwelling on the good times.... 

110% normal. But never forget the bad times.... when she stuck that knife in your back.

Her EA destroyed what trust you once had in her. You replaced the lost trust with your controlling.

Stop answering all her texts. Only texts about kids. When she sends a short text about the child,

and follows that up with a seven paragraph anger dump (if she hasn't yet, just wait), respond

"I will acknowledge your text about the child only, nothing more." When she texts you about the child,

"He's doing great!" Not a word more. You still have to train her how to treat you, as a co-parent.

Why not start now?

And about improving yourself...... talk LESS, do MORE.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Snj1991 said:


> Can honestly say, I didn’t tell her to spite her or make her jealous. In fact what happened was, we took our kids to a play area and I was strapping our daughter in when my phone went off in the front and she looked. I then just said that she was paying me attention whilst I was vulnerable and was enjoying someone take an interest. I honestly felt awful about her getting upset about it.
> 
> Whereas she enjoyed telling me about her night of passion. A few people have said that she probably did it out of revenge to me, but this is coming from someone who said they’re done with me, over it and never coming back, so I don’t know. :scratchhead:


My comment you replied to was from your very first post.

In this post.... my reply..... how old is she? I know she is playing "grab a$$" with you.

"Pick me, chase me." Teen age BS. Drama....games...... If she spent her time being

a better co-parent..... most of this crap would cease.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

When a woman does the things your wife has done, it's time to get rid of her.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Snj1991 said:


> I found it really no use, only because the only person I feel that can make this all better is my wife


Why is that? Why is she the only one who can 'make it all better?' And what do you think 'make it all better' looks like?


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## Snj1991 (Jan 2, 2018)

turnera said:


> Why is that? Why is she the only one who can 'make it all better?' And what do you think 'make it all better' looks like?


I just didn’t really find it any use! Maybe I just didn’t have the right dynamic with the counsellor? 
Because that’s where my problems lie really and to me, they’re fixable. 
“Make it all better” to me is now having had time away from each other is something we should have done when she had the EA, whereas we rushed to get back together because she was pregnant. Finally I can say, I’ve put all of that in the past because I was extremely unforgiving about it and punished her, rather than looking to the future I just lived in the past about it.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You are not accepting she is gone.
You'll not get better mentally until you do.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Snj1991 said:


> I just didn’t really find it any use! Maybe I just didn’t have the right dynamic with the counsellor?
> Because that’s where my problems lie really and to me, they’re fixable.
> “Make it all better” to me is now having had time away from each other is something we should have done when she had the EA, whereas we rushed to get back together because she was pregnant. Finally I can say, I’ve put all of that in the past because I was extremely unforgiving about it and punished her, rather than looking to the future I just lived in the past about it.


Some therapists.... are co-pay collectors. They listen to what you say, regurgitate it right back

to you in $5 words..... and you feel better thinking they agree with you. Save your money....

if that's what you want, hit any pub and say the same thing to another guy sipping a drink.

He will whole heartedly agree with you. Now... if you want a therapist worth their salt.....

those challenge you. You can tell a good therapist when you start cussing them under your breath.

Kinda like here.... you feel like some are busting your balls but.... they're challenging you.

Those challenging you..... guess how many have been through..... what you are now....


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## thenub (Oct 3, 2014)

Snj1991 said:


> So here we are, pining again .
> 
> 
> 
> ...




She may be in a “crisis” but you have been effectively “fired” by her as being the one to look out for her. 
She messed up the bedding, let her do the laundry. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Snj1991 (Jan 2, 2018)

Chuck71 said:


> Some therapists.... are co-pay collectors. They listen to what you say, regurgitate it right back
> 
> to you in $5 words..... and you feel better thinking they agree with you. Save your money....
> 
> ...


Completely agree about how people are on here 😂
I guess everyone thinks their situation is different to everyone else’s but the fundamentals of a break up / separation are pretty much the same for everyone. 
I’ve just been too ‘there’ for her in all of this, thinking she would see my attitude towards our marriage has changed but all that’s done is led to more hurt for me. 
I’m just glad I feel no urges to text or call her and make a big deal out it all, because I feel that’s what she wants me to do. Got my children this weekend and that’s all I need to focus on for now.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Snj1991 said:


> Completely agree about how people are on here 😂
> I guess everyone thinks their situation is different to everyone else’s but the fundamentals of a break up / separation are pretty much the same for everyone.
> I’ve just been too ‘there’ for her in all of this, thinking she would see my attitude towards our marriage has changed but all that’s done is led to more hurt for me.
> I’m just glad I feel no urges to text or call her and make a big deal out it all, because I feel that’s what she wants me to do. Got my children this weekend and that’s all I need to focus on for now.


If you want her to miss you.................

If you want her to wonder WTF you are.....

Being there for her at her beck n call, ain't it.

She can't miss you when you are begging for crumbs..... 

Why? 1-She will miss you and 2-Cuts out her anger dumps.

Go *poof* with her. Go bye-bye. You'd be surprised at the results....


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Snj1991 said:


> I just didn’t really find it any use! Maybe I just didn’t have the right dynamic with the counsellor?
> Because that’s where my problems lie really and to me, they’re fixable.
> “Make it all better” to me is now having had time away from each other is something we should have done when she had the EA, whereas we rushed to get back together because she was pregnant. Finally I can say, I’ve put all of that in the past because I was extremely unforgiving about it and punished her, rather than looking to the future I just lived in the past about it.


Maybe I'm just dense, but I don't see how your response answered my questions. Could you expand?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Snj1991 said:


> I’ve just been too ‘there’ for her in all of this, thinking she would see my attitude towards our marriage has changed but all that’s done is led to more hurt for me.


Have you read No More Mr Nice Guy yet?


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## Snj1991 (Jan 2, 2018)

Just picked my kids up, was there a total of 7 minutes. 

When does this no contact stuff get easier? 😔
Easy enough to uphold but difficult to not see any results, she seems happy. 

Was all made up and ready to go out by the looks of it, makes me wonder if it’s some kind of date?! 

She made no attempt to ask about me or anything and I’m finding it all difficult


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Snj1991 said:


> Just picked my kids up, was there a total of 7 minutes.
> 
> When does this no contact stuff get easier? 😔
> Easy enough to uphold but difficult to not see any results, *she seems happy. *
> ...


You are basing your emotion.....off of her actions. That will get you nowhere.

You are separated..... who gives a crap how she is dressed or WTF she is going.

She could have simply done this....to get in your head. Ummmm.... it worked!

Popism.... (sage words my pop told me years ago) "When it's over, it's over. Doesn't matter if she sells it to everyone coming along or a street corner. It's O-VER."


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## Snj1991 (Jan 2, 2018)

Chuck71 said:


> You are basing your emotion.....off of her actions. That will get you nowhere.
> 
> You are separated..... who gives a crap how she is dressed or WTF she is going.
> 
> ...


I definitely did not let it show that anything is bothering me though, which I’m semi proud of.
How long before this no contact malarkey makes something improve? With or without her.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Snj1991 said:


> Completely agree about how people are on here 😂
> I guess everyone thinks their situation is different to everyone else’s but the fundamentals of a break up / separation are pretty much the same for everyone.
> I’ve just been too ‘there’ for her in all of this, thinking she would see my attitude towards our marriage has changed but all that’s done is led to more hurt for me.
> I’m just glad I feel no urges to text or call her and make a big deal out it all, because I feel that’s what she wants me to do. Got my children this weekend and that’s all I need to focus on for now.


When she texts you, how quickly do you respond?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Snj1991 said:


> Just picked my kids up, was there a total of 7 minutes.
> 
> When does this no contact stuff get easier? 😔
> Easy enough to uphold but difficult to not see any results, she seems happy.
> ...


Why did you have to be there for 7 minutes? Can the children come out to the car?


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## Snj1991 (Jan 2, 2018)

ReturntoZero said:


> When she texts you, how quickly do you respond?


Originally, I text back immediately and tried to converse but I stopped that. 
Text messages have now been reduced to virtually zero by both of us and it’s only ever about the children now.


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## Snj1991 (Jan 2, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> Why did you have to be there for 7 minutes? Can the children come out to the car?


Because she packs a fair bit for them and it’s a flat on the second floor so I went in and collected the bags and took them down to the car and then went up to collect the children


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

I doubt that about text messages..... that's her main way to anger dump on you and rub it in your face.

When she texts about the kids..... if it is important, answer back. If it isn't, no reply.

If she texts you while you have the kids..... try a three day grace period before even viewing.

If it's important, she knows your #. I had a three day wait on opening any email my STBXW would send

during our 60 day wait for divorce. Course we had no kids so that did make it easier.

She did try to anger dump on me but I never replied to anything.... until she corresponded with me

in the way I desired. Then..... I would respond.

You train people how to treat you.


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## Snj1991 (Jan 2, 2018)

It’s killing me knowing that whilst I’ve got our two children here, her buddy from the other weekend is most probably at hers. 

How can you stop these torturous thoughts? I can’t see how it’s a conscious decision.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

It will only get better when you've accepted its over, grieve the relationship, and find another woman to think about.

She doesn't give a flip about you. You don't mean anything to her. I know it's hard to get your head around, but when they change their mind about you, you don't exist anymore.

You've got to kick her off the pedestal and see her for how she is NOW.

Let her go.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Snj1991 said:


> It’s killing me knowing that whilst I’ve got our two children here, her buddy from the other weekend is most probably at hers.
> 
> How can you stop these torturous thoughts? I can’t see how it’s a conscious decision.


Move on with your life. Sounds like your marriage wasn't very good and has been over for a long time. She broke it before it even began. In life things end, that is OK and natural. Stop romanticizing and magic thinking about your marriage. It wasn't very good you separated 3 times. Give up, see it like a athletic game where you did your best but lost. It's OK, it happens. Get some counseling if you need it but stop looking at it like your life is over. It's not there are great women out there. In the next one you wouldn't have the damage she did by cheating so hopefully with some counseling you won't feel the need to be so controlling. 

Besides that dating is fun and exciting. You can marry someone knew who you trust and who wants to be married to you. You have no idea what that is like because you never had that. 

Let someone else have your ex wife and all the trouble that brings. There is so much better out there but you have to let go. Your worth has not an will never be tied to whether or not you are with this women, or if she loves you or not. She isn't much of a catch anyway, she is quick to jump to the next guy obviously. 

Print this out and force yourself to read this every time you start to think differently. Force your mind to think these thoughts. Eventually it will become a habit.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Snj1991 said:


> It’s killing me knowing that whilst I’ve got our two children here, her buddy from the other weekend is most probably at hers.
> 
> How can you stop these torturous thoughts? I can’t see how it’s a conscious decision.


I'm loading up a 2x4 for ya, just sayin'

Your focus is still on her.

How's that working out for you?


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

sokillme said:


> Move on with your life. Sounds like your marriage wasn't very good and has been over for a long time. She broke it before it even began. In life things end, that is OK and natural. Stop romanticizing and magic thinking about your marriage. It wasn't very good you separated 3 times. Give up, see it like a athletic game where you did your best but lost. It's OK, it happens. Get some counseling if you need it but stop looking at it like your life is over. It's not there are great women out there. In the next one you wouldn't have the damage she did by cheating so hopefully with some counseling you won't feel the need to be so controlling.
> 
> Besides that dating is fun and exciting. You can marry someone knew who you trust and who wants to be married to you. You have no idea what that is like because you never had that.
> 
> ...


May I add..... you may still love her, but not in a healthy way.

You can love a woman but not trust her but that is 110% unhealthy.

That will lead to torment, heartache, and soullessness 

In certain ways.... I still love my 1st, 2nd, and 3rd loves.... and each have made advances at me in

the very recent past. Those chapter are written, book closed..... no way I ever would return.

See my first signature below my post? It's there for a reason......


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## Snj1991 (Jan 2, 2018)

Chuck71 said:


> I'm loading up a 2x4 for ya, just sayin'
> 
> Your focus is still on her.
> 
> How's that working out for you?


😂 I wish someone could knock sense it to me. 

It’s not working out great is it?! Damned if I do, damned if I don’t it seems 😭


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Snj1991 said:


> Just picked my kids up, was there a total of 7 minutes.
> 
> When does this no contact stuff get easier? 😔
> Easy enough to uphold but difficult to not see any results, she seems happy.
> ...


The NO CONTACT stuff is for YOU!!!! NOT for her, not for her to miss you, etc.. It's to help YOU detach. Who cares how she feels -- happy, sad, etc.. YOU need to worry about two things: YOU and your child.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Snj1991 said:


> 😂 I wish someone could knock sense it to me.
> 
> It’s not working out great is it?! Damned if I do, damned if I don’t it seems 😭


That's because your focus is still on controlling her.


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## Snj1991 (Jan 2, 2018)

So that’s it.. I cannot let this woman be in my life except in a mother role to my children. 

Two men in two weeks and again took pleasure in telling me how lovely he is and good job, nice car and own house etc. Can clearly see he wants her for a quickie because he has no kids himself and she’s no oil painting. It’s funny because she’s literally dressing the same and hairs the same as her friend who also, is a bit of a s**g. 
Apparently I was a big mistake and she’s the happiest she’s ever been. 
I really hope she falls in love with someone and they f**k her up as much as she has me.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Snj1991 said:


> So that’s it.. I cannot let this woman be in my life except in a mother role to my children.
> 
> Two men in two weeks and again took pleasure in telling me how lovely he is and good job, nice car and own house etc. Can clearly see he wants her for a quickie because he has no kids himself and she’s no oil painting. It’s funny because she’s literally dressing the same and hairs the same as her friend who also, is a bit of a s**g.
> Apparently I was a big mistake and she’s the happiest she’s ever been.
> I really hope she falls in love with someone and they f**k her up as much as she has me.


You have learned nothing......


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## Snj1991 (Jan 2, 2018)

I have this time, I do not wish to even try and reconcile this marriage nor do I want to. 
I deserve better than to be spoken to how she has been. 
I’ve realised that the only things that I miss are my children and them missing out on growing up a family unit and doing things as a family and just having someone to be with, quite a lonely existence at the minute. 
I do not miss my wife, starting to remember the bad times which caused the conflicts so I guess I’m entering the anger phase, at least a little bit of progress, somewhat.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Snj1991 said:


> I have this time, I do not wish to even try and reconcile this marriage nor do I want to.
> I deserve better than to be spoken to how she has been.
> I’ve realised that the only things that I miss are my children and them missing out on growing up a family unit and doing things as a family and just having someone to be with, quite a lonely existence at the minute.
> I do not miss my wife, starting to remember the bad times which caused the conflicts so I guess I’m entering the anger phase, at least a little bit of progress, somewhat.


You say this...... but you turn right around and let her just shove it in your face.

The best revenge you can have on her......is living a happy, productive life...... without her.

Be a great dad..... to hell with what she does. You've been told to check out some reading material......

have you? Most are on-line, PdF, and free. Dude.....we can lead you to the water but you gotta drink it.


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## Snj1991 (Jan 2, 2018)

Chuck71 said:


> You say this...... but you turn right around and let her just shove it in your face.
> 
> The best revenge you can have on her......is living a happy, productive life...... without her.
> 
> ...


For the most part, I feel like I’m making slow progress. I guess when you’ve been with someone a while they become like a drug. Thankfully I’m now starting to kick that bad habit. 
You wouldn’t believe how much I’ve been reading! There is a lot of resources out there, it’s just finding the ones which you can see as relevant. 

I’m sure it’s frustrating giving people advice to then see them do the complete opposite but I’m getting there ; bear with me!!


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Snj1991 said:


> For the most part, I feel like I’m making slow progress. I guess when you’ve been with someone a while they become like a drug. Thankfully I’m now starting to kick that bad habit.
> You wouldn’t believe how much I’ve been reading! There is a lot of resources out there, it’s just finding the ones which you can see as relevant.
> 
> I’m sure it’s frustrating giving people advice to then see them do the complete opposite but I’m getting there ; bear with me!!


What books are you reading? 

When the initial shock sets in...... it's rough. I've been there. But when you start making progress

and start back sliding, that's when the posters try to keep you on target and drop 2x4s.

It's free advice.....all most ever ask is to pay it forward.

What are doing for you today?


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## Pepe1970 (Aug 25, 2017)

Snj1991 said:


> For the most part, I feel like I’m making slow progress. I guess when you’ve been with someone a while they become like a drug. Thankfully I’m now starting to kick that bad habit.
> You wouldn’t believe how much I’ve been reading! There is a lot of resources out there, it’s just finding the ones which you can see as relevant.
> 
> I’m sure it’s frustrating giving people advice to then see them do the complete opposite but I’m getting there ; bear with me!!


I'm telling you man
My wife and I been married for 17 years. I know it hurts like hell. The first two months I lost 23 pounds (made me look good though) because of DD just few months ago. Affected my mind, my sleep, my job, my relationship with my kids, my body, my health and even my higienic life.
But realized it wasn't worth the sufferings. I got really busy. 
Don't let those thoughts or mini movies play with your kind.

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## Snj1991 (Jan 2, 2018)

Chuck71 said:


> What books are you reading?
> 
> When the initial shock sets in...... it's rough. I've been there. But when you start making progress
> 
> ...


I haven’t read books but I’ve been doing a lot of reading on various forums and websites. 
I’ve been offered a huge promotion at work which is amazing. Literally cannot wait to sign those papers for divorce now and put this all to bed. Hope these good vibes continue!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

She'll get more money from you if you get promoted.


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## thenub (Oct 3, 2014)

I would ask your boss to give you the job but keep your rate of pay the same and then give you a bonus to make up the difference after the D is final. Then give you a raise and drop the bonus. 


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Snj1991 said:


> I haven’t read books but I’ve been doing a lot of reading on various forums and websites.
> I’ve been offered a huge promotion at work which is amazing. Literally cannot wait to sign those papers for divorce now and put this all to bed. Hope these good vibes continue!


Waddevah yousa readin', yousa readn' da rong tings.... gust sayun'


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## Snj1991 (Jan 2, 2018)

thenub said:


> I would ask your boss to give you the job but keep your rate of pay the same and then give you a bonus to make up the difference after the D is final. Then give you a raise and drop the bonus.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


This is exactly what’s happening, I’m not accepting it until the divorce is finalised. Other wise she’s entitled to half my share what’s being offered.


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## Snj1991 (Jan 2, 2018)

Strange feeling today! 

Still don’t want her back nor miss her at all.

Literally just want to get on for the kids sake, and hopefully co parent successfully. 

We agreed that we wouldn’t try and “replace” each other in our kids lives with other 
people. I know I can hold up my part of the deal but I’m really hoping she can too.


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