# He cheated, she is pregnant



## SunshineLady (Oct 14, 2013)

So i have made a couple posts, we have been having problems, it is now clear why. At first, i discovered what i thought to be an AE, with a friend of a friend, recently, i found out it had been physical. New years day, i find out she is pregnant. He isnt the only person she slept with, but she believes he is the father (or just wants him to be as he would be the best option out of the 3) I am lost, i dont even know, what to say, what to feel, what to do. He has been what i think to be honest at this point, about everything and how sorry he is, but really the damage is done, honesty doesn't mean much at this point. I dont know what to do, we are past the having baby stages, he is almost 40 and doesnt want any more kids. I feel like if there wasnt a baby in the picture, maybe i could work on it, but how do you ever get over such a thing when there is a constant reminder?


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

I don't see how a person could get over something like that. Every month when the check is made out to the mistress, it is a loss of income to you.....money that you work hard for (assuming you work, too). 

Consider also that he put your life at risk of a fatal disease. 

You know about this AP only because an unwanted pregnancy revealed it, but how many other APs have there been?


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

You will know what to feel soner or later, and that will be pretty much everything negative. Rage, despair, frustration, you name it. He made these choices, but they affect you, they've blown your world, and likely your kids worlds apart, because he was too lazy and selfish to address the problems he had in your marriage. And now there's a pregnancy to boot. If not for my kids, my marriage would be long over because of her stupidity. If it were compounded like your situation, it would be over despite the kids, and she would get to try to piece together a life with her married POSOM. No question. Reconciling has been the most difficult challenge ever, and yes, a constant reminder in the form of a child would be a tough pill to swallow. What consequences has he faced from you to this point?


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

I am very sorry for the spot you are in. 

Please get checked for stds. Protect your health 

You indicate a willingness to R if there was not a baby in the picture. Can you push for a paternity test? While the baby may be his there are also other suspects. At least two more that you know of. I'm not sure that ow is a reliable source of information. Is she a prostitute?

Is your husband remorseful? Is he transparent with you phone emAil accounts etc. is he willing to go to MC. 

I do not think there is anything wrong with you taking some time to sort out your feelings. You may decide that it is a deal breaker even without the baby. 

No offense, but your H sounds like an idiot for having unprotected sex with her. He had no right to out your health at risk or your family's financial security.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SunshineLady (Oct 14, 2013)

Im not really sure what consequences he has really. Im still in shock, i cant believe this is real. Ive told him Im not sure if Im staying or going at this point. I dont know if i can even process something like this happened. 

Yes, I have a doctors appointment this afternoon to get checked myself. She isnt a prostitute, but she is a ***** to say the least. One of those girls thats like "one of the guys" no one would date her, but they all pretty much take turns doing her when they feel like it. There will for sure be a paternity test. When i confronted her, she said it has to be my husbands because the other 2 were within the last 2 and a half weeks and she wouldnt know she was pregnant that quick. But when she was talking to my H she said i could be 3 peoples, and she didnt know whos it was.

He seems VERY remorseful, and is 100% transparent with everything he has. I do feel like he really knows how big of a mistake this is. He is willing to go to MC, or do anything he can for me to stay. As much as that gives me hope that if we can get past this, we may be able to have a happy relationship again. But i just dont know if i can get past it. I dont know there is anything he will ever be able to do that will make it better again. 

My H IS an idiot! For having sex with her at all! He says he used a condom, and pull out before he got off, which is another reason he says he just doesnt understand how it could be his. In my mind, there has to be a reason OW thinks its his, and I cant believe a damn thing either one of them say at this point.


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## Mrs_Mathias (Nov 19, 2012)

For what it's worth, you don't need to wait for the baby to be born for a paternity test. Doctors can now just draw blood from the mother and isolate the baby's DNA from that. Nothing as invasive or potentially harmful as an amnio, and it could answer a lot of your questions much earlier.

I'm sorry for what you are going through.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

SunshineLady said:


> I feel like if there wasnt a baby in the picture, maybe i could work on it, but how do you ever get over such a thing when there is a constant reminder?


You think that's bad enough, just wait until you have to put up with your H writing child support checks to this wh0re.

And not sure how it works, but I think from what I've heard from others that if he ends up paying her support, and you end up leaving him later and have kids of your own, that you get a percentage of whats left. Again, not sure what the laws are, but if you were to get all the child support you are entitled to, you might need to leave and get it before she gets her percentage.

I may be wrong on that, but either way, the question you have to ask yourself is, do you want to stay with him while he is giving marital money away to this other woman?


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

SunshineLady said:


> My H IS an idiot! For having sex with her at all! *He says he used a condom,* and pull out before he got off, which is another reason he says he just doesn't understand how it could be his. In my mind, there has to be a reason OW thinks its his, and I cant believe a damn thing either one of them say at this point.


Cheater Handbook: Ch 1, Page 2:

*"I used condom (protection)."*

It seems all (most) cheaters initially always say this, my own wife played this card for when I caught her. A few days later after unraveling lie after lie, she admits she never used any kind of protection... ever. The claim to of used protection in the cheaters mind is some last ditch attempt to lessen the impact of the betrayal... I guess?


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

There is a very good chance your h is lying about the condom use. 

Cheaters and lying fit together too well. 

From my experience. The only thing that was reliable about a cheater is that they are liars. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Ouch paying for the 2000 dollar early test or waiting to do the cheaper one after the baby is born? Sad really. Agree with above. Condom use unlikelly. Get tested since the ow appears to lead an interesting life.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

SunshineLady said:


> So i have made a couple posts, we have been having problems, it is now clear why. At first, i discovered what i thought to be an AE, with a friend of a friend, recently, i found out it had been physical. New years day, i find out she is pregnant.


Is he saying he only slept with her once?


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## SunshineLady (Oct 14, 2013)

3 times total is what he said, she says she doesnt know how many times, it wasnt a lot and it wasnt a regular thing (im sure this is her story because she doesnt know what he might have told me)


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Oh dear, finally someone who is going through what I went through. Read my posts... My (now ex) husband cheated and got some skank pregnant. 4 days after he told me I filed for divorce. Walked away and I'm glad I did.

I also would not have ever found out about the infidelity had she not gotten pregnant and refused to terminate it as his request.

I heard all the "minimizations" you are hearing - don't believe any of it. As time goes by the truth will trickle out one way or another, either from him or is she's a true skank like the one my ex was stupid enough to have sex without a condom with, by her telling everyone who will listen, contacting his family, spreading it all over facebook and contacting his work. The humiliations never end.

Then will come the child support lawsuit. Your husband will go on public record being named the father of that child. My ex's baby mama gave birth and literally walked out of the hospital over to the child support agency agency and filed a suit. True love huh?

As for hoping it's not his - don't hold your breath. My ex swore it couldn't be his since we had tried for 8 yrs to have a second baby, went through fertility testing and was told his sperm was no good on all 3 counts. Guess what - its his - got her pregnant 1st month he was banging her after she went off the pill. Long story.. read my posts.

Sister - extract yourself from this horrible mess now. Separate yourself from this man because believe me, its going to get dirty and ugly. His name will be dragged through the mud and if you stay with him, so will yours. 

HE MADE THE CHOICE to do what he did. Its too late for apologies or regrets. You shouldn't have to suffer because of his extremely bad choices.

I totally understand the feelings you are having. For me it was the worst time of my life, but now - nearly a year on... things are much better for me and I have no regrets walking away from that marriage and mess he made. 

And yes as a previous poster pointed out: file for divorce and support NOW. Its crucial you secure a court order for child support (if you have kids) and alimony - NOW. When the baby's born and she files her portion will be calculated on what's left of his salary after he pays you. At least in California...

I want to add: Why stay with a man like this when there are plenty out there that would not do this and treat you better? You don't have to settle.

PM me if you need to talk ok?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

SunshineLady said:


> So i have made a couple posts, we have been having problems, it is now clear why. At first, i discovered what i thought to be an AE, with a friend of a friend, recently, i found out it had been physical. New years day, i find out she is pregnant. He isnt the only person she slept with, but she believes he is the father (or just wants him to be as he would be the best option out of the 3) I am lost, i dont even know, what to say, what to feel, what to do. He has been what i think to be honest at this point, about everything and how sorry he is, but really the damage is done, honesty doesn't mean much at this point. I dont know what to do, we are past the having baby stages,* he is almost 40 and doesnt want any more kids.* I feel like if there wasnt a baby in the picture, maybe i could work on it, but how do you ever get over such a thing when there is a constant reminder?


Looks like he managed to get that wrong, then!

Protect yourself and your children. Get STD tests done. See a lawyer.

I'm so sorry he did this to you and his real family.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> Looks like he managed to get that wrong, then!
> 
> Protect yourself and your children. Get STD tests done. See a lawyer.
> 
> I'm so sorry he did this to you and his real family.


Yeah if he didn't want any more kids he shouldn't have been having unprotected sex with some skank.

I'm so sorry he did this too. He has hurt his family beyond belief. If he's anything like my ex, eventually he'll be begging to come back. Don't buy it. Damage is done. You want to get as far away as possible from this as you can. It's so dysfunctional it will mess with your life forever if you don't walk away.


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## SunshineLady (Oct 14, 2013)

Ugh, now she is messaging me, she is a wh0re, that has told all her friends that she wants to be with my H so Im sure she has alot of intentions, but i cant help question which one of them is really telling the truth.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

SunshineLady said:


> Ugh, now she is messaging me, she is a wh0re, that has told all her friends that she wants to be with my H so Im sure she has alot of intentions, but i cant help question which one of them is really telling the truth.


Sounds just like the my ex's skank OW. What a class act. She is out to ruin his marriage (with his help) and she has pretty much succeeded (with his help). You would have to be desperate and low self esteem to stay with a man who was careless and cruel enough to do this to his wife and family.

Once the trickle truth started coming out months after his confession day, turns out she was not the first AP... eventually he admitted he didn't use condoms with any of them. Made my stomach turn. All those years.. disgusting. I decided him and OW are disgusting excuses for humans and I wanted nothing to do with any of it, and wanted to extract myself and our son as much as I could from their dysfunctional, tragic, train wreck of a life.

What always stumped me was: what does the skank OW tell the baby born of this? I'm a ***** and your father was married? Sick...


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

RWB said:


> Cheater Handbook: Ch 1, Page 2:
> 
> *"I used condom (protection)."*
> 
> It seems all (most) cheaters initially always say this, my own wife played this card for when I caught her. A few days later after unraveling lie after lie, she admits she never used any kind of protection... ever. The claim to of used protection in the cheaters mind is some last ditch attempt to lessen the impact of the betrayal... I guess?


He is lying about the condom use. Chances are good that he didn't use one but the fact that he said he pulled out despite having a condom on just screams lie to me.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

SunshineLady said:


> Ugh, now she is messaging me, she is a wh0re, that has told all her friends that she wants to be with my H so Im sure she has alot of intentions, but i cant help question which one of them is really telling the truth.


The first thing you need to be doing is exposing this affair. Tell his parents and tell HER parents. No matter what decision you make, this needs to be known for any decent resolution. And it just may shut her up.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> He is lying about the condom use. Chances are good that he didn't use one but the fact that he said he pulled out despite having a condom on just screams lie to me.


I agree, pulling out with a condom on doesn't make sense to me. That sounds like crap.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

SunshineLady said:


> Ugh, now she is messaging me, she is a wh0re, that has told all her friends that she wants to be with my H so Im sure she has alot of intentions, but i cant help question which one of them is really telling the truth.


Best guess is that they are both lying as much as they think they can get away with. 

Birds of a feather- fluck together... or something like that.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

turnera said:


> The first thing you need to be doing is exposing this affair. Tell his parents and tell HER parents. No matter what decision you make, this needs to be known for any decent resolution. And it just may shut her up.


I disagree. This is completely pointless. What is done is done. Doing this simply pulls you into their drama and dysfunction. And it makes you look as crazy as they are.

"Exposing" Psychos like this woman will do nothing but stir the pot more. These nutbags love drama, they get off on it. Most love the attention they get, even negative attention, from dirt like this.

She needs to just wash her hands of all of them and start afresh.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

She might not be pregnant.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> She might not be pregnant.


That thought crossed my mind too, but I do not believe OP should take that chance. I believe she should find the best lawyer she can and look after herself and her children as priority one. Get a new legal framework that protects your interests to the maximum extent in your new reality. Then worry about trying to get some truth in the matter. You can't trust either of the affair partners to tell the truth, so just go with the truth of the situation that is certain at this point. Your husband betrayed you and your children. That is certain, that is actionable. Follow through and divorce. That does not mean you need to end your family necessarily, but you will show him you are not to be trifled with again, and you can get the best terms to take care of yourself.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

brokenbythis said:


> I disagree. This is completely pointless. What is done is done. Doing this simply pulls you into their drama and dysfunction. And it makes you look as crazy as they are.
> 
> "Exposing" Psychos like this woman will do nothing but stir the pot more. These nutbags love drama, they get off on it. Most love the attention they get, even negative attention, from dirt like this.
> 
> She needs to just wash her hands of all of them and start afresh.


Depends on whether the OP is completely ready to divorce.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

I just dont understand how so many wives are so willing to take back the cheating no good fvcking h right away , and h are so willing to D the no good fvcking wife very nxt day! It's unreal!!! And the support this forum gives to the bs men, and far so little for women. 

I'm so sick of this twist fvcked up world of infidelity, everyone of us who enter it comes out twist, damage and nothing close to what we were before. Maybe some come out better, but for the most,we dont. 

~sammy


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## loving1 (Aug 5, 2013)

I've read this board for a long time, and I think there are probably a lot of situations in which I could eventually forgive my H for infidelity, but I couldn't handle another woman's child being a part of our life in any way. I just couldn't. I couldn't do it at all. Kudos to anyone who tries to make that work, but I simply wouldn't be able to reconcile with another woman's child in the picture in any way, shape, or form.

IMO, speak with a lawyer and file for divorce immediately. Find out if there actually is a baby later, and if the baby is actually his. Don't sit around twiddling your thumbs until you know the status of the baby (which very well might not even exist). If he can later prove that there is no baby, or that it isn't his, you can decide not to divorce him after all.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

loving1 said:


> I've read this board for a long time, and I think there are probably a lot of situations in which I could eventually forgive my H for infidelity, *but I couldn't handle another woman's child being a part of our life in any way*. I just couldn't. I couldn't do it at all. Kudos to anyone who tries to make that work, but I simply wouldn't be able to reconcile with another woman's child in the picture in any way, shape, or form.
> 
> IMO, speak with a lawyer and file for divorce immediately. Find out if there actually is a baby later, and if the baby is actually his. Don't sit around twiddling your thumbs until you know the status of the baby (which very well might not even exist). If he can later prove that there is no baby, or that it isn't his, you can decide not to divorce him after all.


I'm with you on that one. My exH had been straying/acting crazy for a while, I had kicked him out of the house telling him if he gets his act together we can work on our marriage. Next thing he tells me is this "friend" from church (how hilarious is that?) is pregnant with his child.

This "friend" is 15 yrs younger than me and a friend of his daughter's (kid to yet another skank way before he met me).

The minute he told me this woman was pregnant, all thoughts of working on our marriage went away forever, I thought "our marriage is over now". There is no way I can live with this and have that crazy OW (and she is mentally and emotionally unstable) being part of my life and affecting our son too. 

As stated, I filed 4 days after he told me, and haven't looked back. A healthy marriage can't survive this.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

SunshineLady said:


> Ugh, now she is messaging me, she is a wh0re, that has told all her friends that she wants to be with my H so Im sure she has alot of intentions, but i cant help question which one of them is really telling the truth.


You can't believe either of them, but her actions seem to match up with what she says more than his. Wouldn't be the first time an AP ended up pregnant to force the hand of a man who keeps stringing her along with unfulfilled promises of leaving his wife. Your husband says they had sex 3 times, that could be 3 times a week. Cheaters are masters of double-talk, half-truths, lies of omission and semantics.

He says he used a combination of condoms and withdrawal. If that were true, he would have already called her on her bluff. It's not, so he is worried. His only hope is that she is either lying or it's another guys baby. He tells you he used condoms to try to lessen your perception of his total disregard for you. It's BS and you know it. 

Let's assume the "best" outcome. She is faking pregnancy. So he's off the hook for paternity. So what? You'll still never be able to trust him again. The memory of his betrayal will haunt your thoughts for the rest of your marriage. It will likely have damaged your ability to trust other men in the future. 

I don't know a thing about you but I know you deserve better than this.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

I am so sorry you are going through this. You need to remember not to make any life altering decisions when you are this upset. Although with what you are facing, I am not sure when that will start to ebb. My heart goes out to you.

You need to give yourself some time. As you said, you are still in shock. This is the time to put yourself first and meet your needs as best you can.

This situation is like the movie, "Ray". The long-suffering wife in that movie knew all along that there was a child born to her husband's mistress. Some women can do this, although I am not sure how.

You need to take some time to decide what is best for you and what you want for your future. Remember, this woman wants your H, so this could all be drama to get what she wants. Or it could be true. Either way, your H has known what was up this whole time and now you finally know.

You need support now more than ever. Please take care of yourself and keep posting.

{{{HUGS}}}


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Like what was mentioned above.

1. Get tested for STD's.
2. talk to an attorney. Issues to be discussed: divorce, child support, paternity tests and legal options, harassment of the OW.
3. No MC at this time.

You have time to sort things out. Don't give your husband an inch of hope. Don't communicate with the OW and I would inform your husband to cut her off completely. If the baby is his you have nine months to figure it all out.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

After reading this again and thinking on your case. 

I think it is in your best interest to file. You can always stop the process if you want. However, make sure you are first in line to get child support. You can bank that she'll be going after it as soon as she can if he's not with her. Of course this assumes that she is actually pregnant and the kid is actually his.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

zookeeper said:


> Cheaters are masters of double-talk, half-truths, lies of omission and semantics.


Yes, they are. I found that it was best to listen carefully to what is said. The truth is in there somewhere.


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## loving1 (Aug 5, 2013)

workindad said:


> After reading this again and thinking on your case.
> 
> I think it is in your best interest to file. You can always stop the process if you want. However, make sure you are first in line to get child support. You can bank that she'll be going after it as soon as she can if he's not with her. Of course this assumes that she is actually pregnant and the kid is actually his.


This is a good point. I've seen a lot of discussion about this on "other" boards and pregnant OW tend to be worried that the BS will file before they can and get more support. As I understand it, the second woman to file for support receives less as the second payment is calculated based on his income after the first payment is already deducted, while the first payment is calculated based on his full income amount.

I'm certainly not a lawyer but you need to be consulting with one asap.


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## SunshineLady (Oct 14, 2013)

I do have an appointment with the lawyer monday. Im not sure what I want, but as far as he is concerned, im done. Even though i dont know how I feel totally, i am not giving him the benefit of knowing that. 

I have also went and had an std test, i should get those results this coming week.

I also can not live with this woman and child in my life. I just cant do it. I think the not knowing if she really is pregnant and if it is really even his has me confused about how I feel. He did say it wasnt his. She also did not come out and tell him it was his. She just said she was pregnant and there were 3 guys it could be depending on how pregnant she is. All 3 know each other and are some what friends, and apparently knew she was messing around with whichever one she felt like at the time (GROSS!)

I truly believe he is remorseful, he knows he fuccked up, and I do still love him for whatever sick reason. But it doesnt make the situation go away, and with a child in the mix, i cant live the rest of my life seeing this reminder.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

I'm so sorry you are amongst us sorry souls..., But, I'm told there is light at the end of the tunnel during these torrid times. We have to believe. 

~sammy


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