# Wife is stepping out



## Rayneinoh (Nov 14, 2012)

I have been married for 9 years. We have 2 children (1 between us and her son) 5 and 13. My wife has changed in the 14 months. She lost weight and with that came new clothes. I was happy that she started taking better care of herself. But as she lost weight she started going out more with GF's I called her on it and she cut back for a few weeks but it started up again. With her new look she is getting the "why is she with him" comments. 

I started losing some weight as well but it is slower going for me. She doesn't want to go out with me anymore. It's almost like she is ashamed of me.  I asked her why she feels like that and I quote "You were ok when I was fat but I need a more manly man" That was two monthes ago. It broke me. I have started to drink, I started missing work. 

I have checked phone records and texts. I didn't find any increase usage . I think she is cheating or is looking for an "upgrade". What can I do? I love her so much. I may sound desperate and I guess I am. I never thought I would marry anyone and then I met her. 

Any advice is welcome (and I know that I am a beta male)


----------



## Rayneinoh (Nov 14, 2012)

She is out with her girlfriends now. Maybe I should drop in on the fun. She is at a local club.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Thats a good idea.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Maybe you can see her in action and see if she's looking. Can't hurt.


----------



## Madman1 (Oct 24, 2012)

No but you can watch from a distance.
She is crossing the line going to these clubs without you! and telling you not to go is sooo disrepectful.

It happenes just this way all the time.

Some here suggest getting voice activated recorders (VAR)and velcro them in the car, get two so you can swap.

Keep checking.

We are having a special this month on the "BETA" treatment, at no extra charge-
you will want to wait until she cheats, and then let her lie to you for months, and then when you find somthing, make you feel like its your fault, meanwhile she will take it underground, have great sex with the otherman, while they laugh at you together, also while allowing you to pay for it.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Anytime they lose weight they look to upgrade alot of threads just like this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

She told you what she wants. A more manly man. Man up. Tell her to get her ass out of your house until her attitude changes. Then she can have all the fun she wants. 

You let her get away with talking to you like this & you'll never hear the end of it unil..... Well, the end.


----------



## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Rayneinoh said:


> I have been married for 9 years. We have 2 children (1 between us and her son) 5 and 13. My wife has changed in the 14 months. She lost weight and with that came new clothes. I quote *"You were ok when I was fat but I need a more manly man" *


She sounds awful. What do you see in her?


----------



## Summer4744 (Oct 15, 2012)

Ray. That is the last thing you should do. You will look weak and she will lose respect for you if you try to crash her party.

Your only chance is to give her the 180. 

If she knows she can use you as a crutch untill she finds someone better she will do just that. Your only chance is to force her hand and see how she reacts.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

You start going out a few nights a week don't tell her where turn the tables on her.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Get and read Married Mand Sex Life by Athol ASAP, and begin the map ASAP. 

Hopefully you can stall her cheating long enough to put the mp to work.

I'd drop by to see what she's upto the club, or have a buddy or eoman you can trust or PI do it.

Put a var in her car to catch what she's saying about you on the phone.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

All I can say is what I would have done. I would not have been ok with her going out to bars / clubs. I would have considered that unacceptable and if she chose to do it I would have opted out of the marriage.

That said, she basically has told you she is looking for another man. That she feels she is too good for you. I would man up as they say but frankly I would not be doing it for her. I would move on. easy for me to say but I would not want to be with a women like that.

Would I go check up on her? I might. But again my focus would be on moving on. This sounds like a long term strategy for her. I think she might find her belongings on the front lawn. Then again, best to see the lawayer and have her served.

How many marriages has she had?

This is not the woman you were looking for. I am sorry.


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

After what she told you, you shouldn't spend an ounce of energy trying up check up on her or "win" her back. She clearly told you you're not her #1. No need to let yourself be disrespected like that. Consult a lawyer to learn your rights in the event of s divorce and if she is already cheating, his much would that help you in divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Rayneinoh said:


> She is out with her girlfriends now. Maybe I should drop in on the fun. She is at a local club.


This is exactly what you need to do....every single time she goes out. I can't believe the crap she said to you. Instead of making your life miserable over this, you should make her life miserable. Interrupt these girls nights out.


----------



## NewM (Apr 11, 2012)

How about you divorce her?


----------



## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

Rayneinoh said:


> "You were ok when I was fat but I need a more manly man"


*And I wonder what would happen to a man who said, "You were ok when I was fat but I need a more dainty woman."*

Her crass comment to you summed up her frame of mind. You really shouldn't accept this behavior from anyone. Your best shot of snapping her out of whatever fantasy she's in will be by shutting her down in your heart. It's time to take that stand my friend, sooner rather than later. Notify her that the marriage has run its course and you're looking to upgrade.

T


----------



## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

Bring a Busty Hooker over and soil the marital bed....and throw all her stuff out on the lawn. When she comes back and asks you why...just tell her " I wanted more of a Womanly Woman"!!! :smthumbup:


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

ShootMePlz! said:


> Bring a Busty Hooker over and soil the marital bed....and throw all her stuff out on the lawn. When she comes back and asks you why...just tell her " I wanted more of a Womanly Woman"!!! :smthumbup:


Why don't you say what you really feel:rofl::lol:


----------



## Simon Phoenix (Aug 9, 2010)

If she is telling you that she needs a more 'manly' man, one can only imagine what she is telling her girlfriends behind your back. Believe me, what she's telling them is much worse than that.

While she might not be cheating on you right now, she's on the waiting list. I and several others know this script all too well. They start believing that they deserve better than you and begin acting as if they are doing you a favor by staying with you, thereby lowering your self-esteem in the process. The reason why she doesn't want you around her when she goes out is because she's interviewing other guys for your gig. The moment she finds one, she will either want you out the door (while you pay child support) or keep you around so she can cake-eat.

Don't allow this behavior to continue. You keep working on yourself at the pace that's best for your body. If she can't stomach the thought of being with you in public, you just might have to start thinking of moving on. In the meantime, put her on the 180 and see how she reacts when you start going out without her. Fire back with needing to find a more 'womanly' woman when she starts asking you why you insist on going out alone or why you're not on your hands and knees begging her for sex. Maybe this will shock her enough to see through the fog that's gathering around her; only time will tell...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Drop the booze NOW.
Focus completely on yourself. Make a life for yourself, your activities, your schedule, your fun. Reinvent yourself. Force you to stop caring about her. Stop caring about the marriage. Don't inform her, don't ask her, don't confront her about her whereabouts, her life, plans, feelings. Take decision and make her deal with the results after the fact. Don't explain yourself.

The 180 degree rules


----------



## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

> I asked her why she feels like that and I quote "You were ok when I was fat but I need a more manly man" That was two monthes ago. It broke me. I have started to drink, I started missing work.


Do not let your wife see you looking to her for validation. And cetainly do not let her see you in somekind of downward spiral (broke you, starting to drink, missing work, etc) when you don't get validation from her. That right there tells her one very important, and very BAD thing....that you base your worthiness on how SHE SEES YOU, not how you see yourself. Bad, bad stuff there. No woman wants a man who she can essentially tell "you suck" and who then starts to "suck" even worse as a result. No. Women want a man who if they have the nerve to tell him he "sucks", he's gonna look at her like she lost her ever lovin' mind, and is now out the door to find someone else who knows he does not in fact suck!

Thing is, she was likely dropping hints before. And you missed them or were too lazy to acknowledge and do something about it. Now she's tired of waiting, and is getting ready to move on. Now is your chace to catch this hint, and make changes in yourself and how you interract with her. Or, you can decide for yourself if you're who you want to be, and if you are happy with that, then own it and have the confidence to tell her to get bent.


```
I think she is cheating or is looking for an "upgrade"
```
She is (looking for an upgrade), even if she does not realize it. She's getting dressed up, going out, and making herself available. She's "peac0cking". And possibly meeting not much more than a lot of dolts, tools, and jerks. So, no biggie. Maybe. But, when the guy with the right "game" comes around and plays her, she'll be right into "we've got a connection" land before you know it.

She's pretty much telling you what she wants, in not so many words. She wants you to get in shape. She wants you to be more of a "manly-man". So do it. Get in shape. Stop putting up with disrespect from her like this. Start distancing yourself from her. And use that time and distance to get your flabby butt in shape (talking as a guy who is also back on the getting in shape bus...before she says a word about it)!

At the end of the day, she's saying she's not attracted to you. So if you want to save this, you've got to make yourself attractive to her....physically AND mentally. Physical is easy...you know what to do. Eat less, move more. The mental part, well, that's where it gets tricky. Many here recommend the "Married Man Sex Life" book. Give it a shot.


----------



## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Wow - that is one of the coldest and cruelest thing I think I've heard a wife say to a man she vowed to love and cherish. I'm so sorry, that had to be like a knife to the heart.

So, I'd like to introduce the thought that if she's talking to you that way, that's pretty darned abusive. Does she do other things like that? 

I would follow the other advice you've gotten (180/MMSL) and start focusing on you. If she doesn't turn it around (treat you like a husband, stop this running around, etc.) then it's time to realize, she's already gone and file for divorce.


----------



## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

donny64 said:


> Do not let your wife see you looking to her for validation. And cetainly do not let her see you in somekind of downward spiral (broke you, starting to drink, missing work, etc) when you don't get validation from her. That right there tells her one very important, and very BAD thing....that you base your worthiness on how SHE SEES YOU, not how you see yourself. Bad, bad stuff there. No woman wants a man who she can essentially tell "you suck" and who then starts to "suck" even worse as a result. No. Women want a man who if they have the nerve to tell him he "sucks", he's gonna look at her like she lost her ever lovin' mind, and is now out the door to find someone else who knows he does not in fact suck!
> 
> Thing is, she was likely dropping hints before. And you missed them or were too lazy to acknowledge and do something about it. Now she's tired of waiting, and is getting ready to move on. Now is your chace to catch this hint, and make changes in yourself and how you interract with her. Or, you can decide for yourself if you're who you want to be, and if you are happy with that, then own it and have the confidence to tell her to get bent.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

This.
Read the book, do something about it. Not necessarily for her, primarily for you.


----------



## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Rayneinoh said:


> I have been married for 9 years. We have 2 children (1 between us and her son) 5 and 13. My wife has changed in the 14 months. She lost weight and with that came new clothes. I was happy that she started taking better care of herself. But as she lost weight she started going out more with GF's I called her on it and she cut back for a few weeks but it started up again. With her new look she is getting the "why is she with him" comments.
> 
> I started losing some weight as well but it is slower going for me. *She doesn't want to go out with me anymore. It's almost like she is ashamed of me.  I asked her why she feels like that and I quote "You were ok when I was fat but I need a more manly man" That was two monthes ago. It broke me. I have started to drink, I started missing work. *
> 
> ...


Dear Rayneinoh,

Look at the bolded text above and ask yourself, why would _any_ woman want to be married to a man with as little self-esteem as you have?

Now consider the following. Your W once thought highly enough about you to marry you. You have provided for your family for 9 years. You almost certainly have other accomplishments that you could point to. Net, net, there is no reason for you to have such low self-esteem.

Conclusion, your problem isn't with your W but with yourself. It is almost inconceivable that you will be able to keep your W if you don't start to exhibit self-confidence and display some strong manly traits. Getting into better physical shape is one thing you definitely should do but that will take time. In the meantime, what else can you do?

Here's one way to think about it. Pick a strong male role model (say Clint Eastwood or Al Pacino or George Clooney). What would one of them do if in your situation? Answer, tell his wife that he's not going to tolerate any cheating, lying or disrespect and that, if she doesn't shape up immediately, he will dump her.

Likely result? She will be shocked, (secretly) relieved, and begin to change. Of course, you will have to maintain this new attitude in all aspects of your life. No more crying, drinking, missing work or running yourself down. No more tolerating her stepping out. Remaining aloof until she begins to change. And, most important, if she doesn't begin to come around quickly, show her that you mean business by hiring a divorce attorney and asking him to draw up the papers (let your know when you've done this). If this doesn't get her attention, file the papers.

Possible result? She tells you that she doesn't care what you do and wants out of the marriage. In this case, you have a decision to make. Do you accept the fact that your marriage has failed, file for divorce and start becoming the kind of man that some other woman would find attractive? Or do you cave in, try to bear the pain and shame while she goes off with someone else and hope that she decides eventually not to leave you (possibly after she's had an affair to two)?

The point is, you're life is a mess and only you can change it. If you do, eventually you will find a measure of happiness, if not with your W then with someone else. If you don't, then you can expect a lifetime of misery but, in that case, it will have been your choice and you will deserve from pity no one.

Sorry to be so harsh but someone needs to wake you up and remind you that you still have a pair of balls. Start using them.

Good luck.

P.S.: There are numerous sources of information on the web on how to regain your manliness and become more attractive to women. A good place to start is

Blog | Married Man Sex Life


----------



## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

She's gone. Let her go (why do you even WANT her after what she has said and done?). 180 for you and your kids, PI until he gets enough video of her w.h.o.r.i.n.g around at the meat markets to allow you to keep your kids.


----------



## Rayneinoh (Nov 14, 2012)

Thanks for all of the comments. Some were hard too read but they were right on. I do have issues with my self-confidence. This morning I went to the gym to run instead of drinking. It really did help. Gave me a chance to think. 

When I got home my wife was there. She wanted to talk and we had a long discussion. She told me that when she went out men were hitting on her and that she liked the attention. Something that I have neglecting in. She told me she has flirted with men and that was it. when she went to work today I did some digging into some things.

I checked her email and phone records. I didn't see any numbers that stand out. 

I read other posts about VAR and might get one. I don't think that she is cheating yet but I am not stupid. If I don't change I will lose her. I am currently reading on doing a 180.

Thanks for your comments. Please continue to help.


----------



## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

At some point (sooner is better) you both need to address the issues of her massive display of disrespect. It was totally inappropriate, inconsiderate, and indicative of loathing. 

If my wife had said that to me at that stage of our marriage, we would not have made it to present day as a couple. There is just no excuse. None.


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Rayneinoh said:


> Thanks for all of the comments. Some were hard too read but they were right on. I do have issues with my self-confidence. This morning I went to the gym to run instead of drinking. It really did help. Gave me a chance to think.
> 
> When I got home my wife was there. She wanted to talk and we had a long discussion. She told me that when she went out men were hitting on her and that she liked the attention. Something that I have neglecting in. She told me she has flirted with men and that was it. when she went to work today I did some digging into some things.
> 
> ...


So Rayne

Work on your marriage.

Set boundaries for your wife.

Get in shape.

And the next time she is going out tell her sorry I have planss with the guys tonight. Then walk out the door whether you have plans or not.

And the next time she goes out, grab the kids,go to the club, hand her the kids and tell her that she is a mom. Start acting like one.

Then walk out leaving the kids with her.

Then go to the gym.

Beta or not you are still a Man!

Act like one!

Do not let her disrespect you.

Warn her....
That if ever she cheats you tell her she will not to coming home.


----------



## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

> Her crass comment to you summed up her frame of mind. You really shouldn't accept this behavior from anyone. Your best shot of snapping her out of whatever fantasy she's in will be by shutting her down in your heart. It's time to take that stand my friend, sooner rather than later. Notify her that the marriage has run its course and you're looking to upgrade.


A long time ago, a friend who was much smoother with the ladies than I was told me the best way to avoid having a woman break up with you is to break up with her first. "If you think she's going to break up with you and you see it coming, you end it first. She'll come running back nearly every time".

Nearly every time he was right. Nothing snaps someone out of the "I'm too good for him (her) and I can do better" thing than a big old smack of reality right to the nose. But, much like the "walking off the car lot" tactic in car buying negotiations, if you aren't really ready to walk off the lot, they can see it. And they'll call your bluff. They're used to being better at bluffing than the car buyer. Because the buyer WANTS the car. Don't bluff. Be prepared to walk off the lot, and then DO IT. 

Coincidentally, not once have I done that as well (left a car salesman standing on a lot), along with the accompanying subsequent pang in my gut feeling of "damn, I REALLY wanted that car, maybe I shouldn't have walked away" has there come a time where the salesman has not called back to try to negotiate a better deal more to my liking. But, as with women, there were a couple times I'd already "negotiated a better deal" with another salesman at a different dealership.

Reminds me of my last girlfriend who one day started at me with the "I need some time" garbage after I caught her quite by accident out at dinner with another guy. I was tore the hell up inside, and did not want to do it, but I walked away from her and never took another invite out, call, or text. A month later I met my wife.

The old girlfriend still calls and texts.


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> So Rayne
> 
> Work on your marriage.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

The whole post is dead on but boy the bolded part is priceless. Hell, just do it.


No More Mr Nice Guy


----------



## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

> So you're reaction is to skip work and drink.
> 
> Understandable, but stupid.


This. Understandable, but not good. Show her a man. GET CONTROL OVER YOUR EMOTIONS. Do not let emotions control you. Do that, and you're well on your way to being her "manly man".

After you're there, YOU can then decide if you want HER.


----------



## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

JnaiceJade1 said:


> go ahead and do just that. and while you are at it, when y'all get home everything you said here you need to say to her. and she if y'all can work this out.


Better option: Go out with the guys. Tonight. Right now. Don't be there when she gets home. When she starts questioning as to where you were, be as vague as she is to you when you ask her what she was up to.

IMO, the best way to assure he loses more attractiveness in her eyes is to show up or get caught following her. She'll be HUGELY embarrassed, and resent the hell out of him for it. And the moment he leaves, her girlfriends will be agreeing with her about how much of a wimp he is. 

A man with higher value would be out looking for his "next" (or at a minimum not waiting at home for her or following her) if his woman was treating him like this. He'd be doing his own thing and distancing himself from her and her crap.

I saw it recently said (maybe even on this forum) that cheaters are like monkeys. They swing from branch to branch (commitment to commitment), never letting go of one branch until the other is in their grasp. Good analogy. 

Start pulling your branch back before she gets ahold of another one. She'll have to hang onto your branch, or fall, or take a chance on a risky branch. My bet is she hangs onto the tried and tested branch...if you start showing her she will lose it.


----------



## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Well, there are SEVERAL things wrong here. 

First off, tell your wife about this little word called BOUNDARIES and how she has been crossing them by letting other men hit on her, and continuing it. And start setting some. Like, because of her recent behavior, she isn't allowed to go out by herself. She can still go out, but you have to be there. 
And if you aren't there, well, that is fine. Just know, that when you come home, the house will be locked, I will be sleeping, and I am not letting you in, and neither is anyone else in the home. And if DOES get to that, then you probably need to file because she'll spend the night with a guy showing her the attention she likes. 

And this needs to be done PRONTO! No wife should ever be doing this. Nor husband. 

Second, she wants a manly man. 
Running is what women do to stay in shape. 
Weight lifting is what MEN do to get big and strong. 

See where I am going with this? 
Today was my leg day at the gym. Do I get on the ellipticals for an hour? No, I did machines and free weights and was pumping iron to get big muscles. 

And you also need to have your own life. She probably wanted to get away from you for a little awhile. So get yourself some guy friends, get some guy hobbies, and then you go out and do whatever guys do! 
Since I am only 20, and in community college (and no friends), no idea what that is. Play poker? Drink beer? Watch the Playboy Channel? Get pizza? Watch Football? Talk sports? 
Well, I don't need to know. But YOU DO! So figure it out!

Also, discuss with her this attention she is needing from other men. What is it they are providing that you aren't?
Are they listening to her? Are they asking her questions that she likes? Are they giving her words of affirmation? What are these guys doing that makes her seek out this attention? 
Because that is what you need to be doing. 

I would suggest having a VERY long sit down with your wife about this. Because if you don't stand up for yourself, and let her know she can't walk over you, you'll be back on here with a thread that has the title of "Wife disrespected and cheated on me! What to do?" 

And you need to let her know, that she can't continue to do this. She needs to have consequences! IF this is hysterical bonding, I'm sure you'll enjoy it. But she can't be allowed to think she can just let this roll off, she needs to know there WILL BE CONSEQUENCES FOR ACTIONS!
Otherwise, she'll just have an underground affair. You need to have rules, punishments, and enforce them.


----------



## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Did she agree to stop the w.h.o.r.i.n.g? I realize it was kind of implied when she admitted that she did it to meet and party with strange men. But you turning around and letting her walk out the door to do it the next night would be FAR FROM the craziest thing I've read on this forum.


----------



## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

You need to man up and upgrade yourself alright. So that you can get a better woman, because that one is no good.


----------

