# what does a cheating spouse go through



## on the edge (Nov 21, 2011)

Hi...i am in the process of recovering from an EA that my wife had...i was wondering what the cheating spouse go through after they decide to come clean and try to rebuild the marriage any experiences that anyone will like to share?...as I find that my wife tries really hard but she has told me that she is angry at herself for letting it happen in the first place and with the OM for leading her on. In my wife's case she took the initiative at times whereas he led her on when they met but did not take the other steps like calling her etc and wanted her to come to meet him, call him etc do you think that her ego got bruised in the process? is that why she is feeling this way? please help I am trying to understand what is going on in her head


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## on the edge (Nov 21, 2011)

anyone with any advice?


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## imjustlost (Dec 11, 2011)

You will probably never understand what is going on in her head. Her actions are the biggest indicator in what she is feeling. The fact that your wife is trying hard and saying she is angry for letting it happen is a step in the right direction. Some spouses do not even acknowledge the pain they caused and do not try. 
Keep you head up, brother. Good luck.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Confusion, Pain, Self Loathing, Regret, Fear, Heart Ache, Withdrawal, Temptation, Shame, Disgrace - just to name a few - sounds like fun right? Ah memories. The prices of cheating suck - badly - but they are all self inflicted so if you can help her, support her, love her, but don't cut her any slack. 

An emotional connection is painful to break, just like an emotional connection you might have with anyone else. The fact that the relationship was illicit doesn't make ending the relationship any easier. In addition she is cutting off contact (hopefully) with someone who was meeting some need of hers intensely enough to make her willing to commit adultery. Then add in that she has developed a literal chemical addiction to the rush she gets from contact with her AP (affair partner) so she must go through withdrawal as surely as if she was addicted to cocaine. Then pile on top of that dealing with what she has done to you, your marriage, your family, and to herself and you can see that there's a lot a remorseful cheater has to work through. But again, we cheaters did it to ourselves, it's the price we must pay for betraying those we love - it's our stupid tax.

It's good that you want to understand where she is, she'll need your help just as much as you'll need her's. As you've been told, listen to her actions they will provide a much clearer picture of where she is than her words. With everything running around in her head and heart she may not even be able to express the truth in words right now. I will add that I would never have been able to quit my affair without my wife holding me accountable - never. The addiction was too strong. 

Good Luck.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

My wife was really open and she tells me and I believe most waywards don't grow up wanting to be cheaters, so there is this bad taste in there mouth that continues to beat them selve up for it.

Not to generalize, I also have to say that folks can grow up not having any moral compase at all and some are just bad characters, damaged poeple if you will.

OK back to may case......I was told that during her affairs she never once thought about me or the kids. It was all about an excape from reality of having an unhealthy marriage. The lifestyle she created cattered to her needs and what she wanted to be "happy".

Well as time went on her life style was no longer fun or happy, it was just a search from guy to guy looking for something that was never going to happen. Often there were times when she was straight and true to her self and her real life, but somehow she would need the attention and one way or anther find it...even for a short time.

So as my wife went through life looking for something that was only fake and fantasy she continued to strugle with her own happiness..only to continue in making unhealthy choices and not make the hard dicisions to make her life better.

So when D day came it was more of a relief that opened up a chance to get this monkey off her back and move on with a husband that actually started to care about his wife. She felt it was a sign that we both need to make the nessasery changes for a healthier life style.

Sure she still beats her self up for what she became, but she understands the why and more importantly she understand how to prevent it from happening again. Its a regret in her life that she faces but does not let it define who she wants to be.

In her case it was an unhealthy life style that lasted for 13 years and not one dam thing good came from it, so hence the time to make the change. It was me that opened this door and it was her choice to step through it with me.

So as far as her thoughts go....she hated her self, she knew it was all fantasy but what she really wanted was to be loved, but even the fake love would have to do. After d day she felt the same, hated her self, she now see's she has something real with me and show her appreciation for that. She now feels she has to work harder at life and maintain a strength that will prevent her from hurting her self, her husband and her kids. She feels she can no longer aford to be the weak person she once was and avoid the users in the world.


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## on the edge (Nov 21, 2011)

thanks for the comments, in my case she is really trying hard to undo the damage I have not seen her work this hard at our marriage ever...and I have also realized stuff that I could do to help out though keeping a close eye on things


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## Timid1 (Jan 11, 2012)

I am a cheating spouse. My husband does not know.
I'm not really ready to talk about it, this is the first time I have even told anyone at all. There is little possibility that my husband will ever know. I thought coming here would help, but reading these stories makes me see that I have done a lot of damage anyways.

I was wrong to think that it would be harmless if he never found out. It has changed me and the marriage. 

I am envious of those who are strong enough to tell. I wish you the best.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

What did your wife's EA consist of? Time away from the family; favors to her OM that she wouldn't do for you; 

Was this someone already in your social circle?


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Timid1 said:


> I am a cheating spouse. My husband does not know.
> I'm not really ready to talk about it, this is the first time I have even told anyone at all. There is little possibility that my husband will ever know. I thought coming here would help, but reading these stories makes me see that I have done a lot of damage anyways.
> 
> I was wrong to think that it would be harmless if he never found out. It has changed me and the marriage.
> ...


So what made lead you to cheat? Do you feel guilt after you are with him? Have you stopped the affiar?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

OntheEdge: every cheating spouse has a different journey. I think a lot will depend on whether the betrayed finds out or not. In my case, both my exH and I told eachother that we cheated in the marriage. 

For me: I was wracked with incredible amounts of guilt and a feeling of Omg, what have I done? I went to therapy for nearly 2 years to help deal with the guilt and process everything that happened. I still feel bad for the poor choice I made but man have I come out stronger and w/ better boundaries and a new way of thinking. I am really turned off by cheating now. My ex husband never apologized for what he did but that is on him. He did once tell me "wasn't thinking" and didn't realize the problems it would cause and he said maybe we could have reconciled easier had it not happened. We ended up divorcing. 

There were a LOT of problems in our marriage. My own journey has been full of lots of different emotions, and I am really repulsed by what I did. I am really repulsed by what he did, too. I am, however, eternally grateful for the fact that we told eachother what happened and no one had to "find out" or "discover" it cause I think that is the cruellest way to find out. 

I have learned a LOT!!!!!! So from the pain and insanity that is infidelity, I know I've come out better now, even it was an ugly thing to go through.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

To the OP:

Why are you asking? Are you doubting your forgiveness? Or are you wanting to help her, and you, along the way?

You can put me in the same type of boat as Sigma. But I'm a few months behind him.


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## Timid1 (Jan 11, 2012)

There is no excuse, it doesn't really matter why I did it. 
There is no emotions going on. I could care less if I ever talk to the guy again. He is married now. I have known him for a long time. Once in awhile we would sleep together. I saw him this summer and it happened, and again last week. There is no contact in between, except he called me around xmas just to say hi. There is no relationship. I have no intentions of talking to him again. 

I am so guilt feeling that it is affecting my job and I cant have sex with my husband anymore.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Timid1 said:


> There is no excuse, it doesn't really matter why I did it.
> There is no emotions going on. I could care less if I ever talk to the guy again. He is married now. I have known him for a long time. Once in awhile we would sleep together. I saw him this summer and it happened, and again last week. There is no contact in between, except he called me around xmas just to say hi. There is no relationship. I have no intentions of talking to him again.
> 
> I am so guilt feeling that it is affecting my job and I cant have sex with my husband anymore.


I do not think the guilt can be worked on until you come clean with your husband.

I am still trying to understand what my wife was thinking and feeling. She does answer some of my questions but when I ask her about how she ended up in bed with him, just happened? not buying it. She tells me she felt guilty afterwards but then she did it again and again. I am not sure I can get on with my healing until I have honesty and she can explain her feelings.

I also think the same thing applies to you! you have to be honest with him and see what happens. I still lose about three hours out of my day thinking about my wife's affiar.


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## dymo (Jan 2, 2012)

Timid1 said:


> There is no excuse, it doesn't really matter why I did it.
> There is no emotions going on. I could care less if I ever talk to the guy again. He is married now. I have known him for a long time. Once in awhile we would sleep together. I saw him this summer and it happened, and again last week. There is no contact in between, except he called me around xmas just to say hi. There is no relationship. I have no intentions of talking to him again.
> 
> I am so guilt feeling that it is affecting my job and I cant have sex with my husband anymore.


Tell him.

You know you won't stop on your own. And even if you don't tell him, it is slowly destroying your marriage. 

Don't make the assumption that he's unlikely to find out. That's what every cheating spouse thinks. They are often wrong. 

One day, there will be a slip. Maybe you will get careless. Maybe OM's wife will find out. Maybe it'll be dumb luck. But the longer you keep this a secret, the worse the fallout will be. 

Your husband has the right to know who he is married to, and what he's up against. He probably already knows there's a problem, and has no idea why or how to fix it. That's not fair to him, it's not fair to your marriage and it's not fair to OM's marriage.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Timid1 said:


> There is no excuse, it doesn't really matter why I did it.
> There is no emotions going on. I could care less if I ever talk to the guy again. *He is married now*. I have known him for a long time. *Once in awhile we would sleep together. I saw him this summer and it happened, and again last week*. There is no contact in between, except he called me around xmas just to say hi. There is no relationship. I have no intentions of talking to him again.
> 
> I am so guilt feeling that it is affecting my job and I cant have sex with my husband anymore.


Timid, you are feeling guilty because you are currently having an affair. You say there aren't emotions going on but I doubt it. Not if you've been sleeping with him for that long. You were sleeping with him during your marriage, and now during his. You say you've known him lon gso my bet is it's an EA too. Childhood friend? Ex boyfriend? 

I wish you luck. It's not an easy road. But I can assure you that as long as you are having an affair, you are going to feel awful and your marriage doesn't have a leg to stand on. 

All the best.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> I will add that I would never have been able to quit my affair without my wife holding me accountable - never. The addiction was too strong.


Yikes, that always seems scary to me cause I was on the other side of that, ending it completely on my own and confessing. I'd question if I really wanted to end if it I could not have done it on my own. Still, it's great to hear you ended it and are recovering your marriage.


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## cowboy383 (Jan 12, 2012)

on the edge said:


> Hi...i am in the process of recovering from an EA that my wife had...i was wondering what the cheating spouse go through after they decide to come clean and try to rebuild the marriage any experiences that anyone will like to share?...as I find that my wife tries really hard but she has told me that she is angry at herself for letting it happen in the first place and with the OM for leading her on. In my wife's case she took the initiative at times whereas he led her on when they met but did not take the other steps like calling her etc and wanted her to come to meet him, call him etc do you think that her ego got bruised in the process? is that why she is feeling this way? please help I am trying to understand what is going on in her head



Well I can speak on both sides of the fence on this.
As the cheater (BEING BUSTED). Hang on emotional roller coaster on the way. Your torn from guilt, embarrassment and shame and 100+ other emotional thoughts and feelings. And weather she told you or you found out it doesn't really matter. Don't 20/20 her with question she will talk when shes ready. If she's truly remorseful for what she did then yes she is hurting bad and her ego is very bruised. It sounds like you guys are in the early stages of recovery. Kudos for you guys for trying thats a start.

As Far as what your feel I can some what relate because all the time I was cheating so was she and even after I quit a year before she hid it from me she had me fooled. Not gonna steel your thunder here on your thread so I wont get into details. It's been over a year ago since that happened and I still find myself waking out of a dead sleep angry and heart racing 90 to nothing. And trust me I wanna get all the details of how, when, an why is he better than me is penis bigger and everything thing else that was racing through my mind. But I had to bite my tongue because that was the last thing I wanted to here was a bunch of questions and I could tell she was embarrassed and angry. Anyways I hope I could shed some light on such a tragic event. I hope to share my whole story soon I'm sure it will get mixed reviews but hey we are all human. Good Luck to both of You.
Here is a little saying I found and use it all the time it can make sense of nonsense sometimes.

"With all the bad things that have happened in my life, it has opened my eye's to all the good things I didn't see before."


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Yikes, that always seems scary to me cause I was on the other side of that, ending it completely on my own and confessing. I'd question if I really wanted to end if it I could not have done it on my own. Still, it's great to hear you ended it and are recovering your marriage.


I get that and it causes my wife some concern - she knows I've struggled - she's on here as well and has read the majority of my post. I KNOW I wanted to end it I just wasn't strong enough to take that first step. The lame ass way I got caught was really just an excuse to confess - the opening of the door so to speak. My wife even asked me after the fact - "why didn't you just lie? I wouldn't have figured it out." 

Post D day what I couldn't have broken without my wife was the addiction. I was hooked and hooked hard. My wife didn't really have to do anything to hold me accountable, all it really took was knowing that I could not let her down again.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It's interesting reading everyone else's stories here on TAM.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

And reading them is a learning experience such as showing that not all of those who cheat are the same.


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## cowboy383 (Jan 12, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> It's interesting reading everyone else's stories here on TAM.


I love it. I'm glade I found it. It's heartbreaking and comforting at the same time to know I'm not the only one out there that has had some of the same exact issues.


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## on the edge (Nov 21, 2011)

NextTimeAround said:


> What did your wife's EA consist of? Time away from the family; favors to her OM that she wouldn't do for you;
> 
> Was this someone already in your social circle?


"my story is here i am not sure i know how to add the link it is under wife crazy about someone else"


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## on the edge (Nov 21, 2011)

HerToo said:


> To the OP:
> 
> Why are you asking? Are you doubting your forgiveness? Or are you wanting to help her, and you, along the way?
> 
> .


not doubting but trying to fix what ever that went wrong if it can be done.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

The hardest thing is realizing the extend of damage I've done and knowing that I can't un-do it, seeing my husband in that much agony and not being able to take if off of him. Personally, I have made my peace with my affair. I know why I did it, I know it won't happen again and I learned a lot, I still do. I'm not worried about straying again, not at all. My main focus is now on being the best wife I can be, make more time for family, for my husband and be completely transparent and honest. It's not that hard to do, really.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Yeah - I will never ever forget seeing my wife in front of me literally coming apart emotionally and wanting soooo badly to go hold her and tell her I was there for her, but then knowing that I was the reason she was falling apart and being scared to even touch her. That memory is literally seared into me.


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## Meatpuppet (Jan 2, 2012)

Timid1 said:


> There is no excuse, it doesn't really matter why I did it.
> There is no emotions going on. I could care less if I ever talk to the guy again. He is married now. I have known him for a long time. Once in awhile we would sleep together. I saw him this summer and it happened, and again last week. There is no contact in between, except he called me around xmas just to say hi. There is no relationship. I have no intentions of talking to him again.
> 
> I am so guilt feeling that it is affecting my job and I cant have sex with my husband anymore.


You're only saying it's over with the OM now becuase of the guilt you feel. It took guts to come here and admit that, so you're on the right track to getting better. 

Once the guilt passes though, my guess is you might go back to him, especially since you can't have sex with your husband anymore. It's like smoking. After you get that disgusted feeling and swear you'll never light up again, your nicotine clock starts ringing again - and back you go. 

You owe it to yourself and your husband to tell him the truth. Not doing it is apparently killing you and the longer you live in denial, the worse things will get.


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## lost2011 (Dec 12, 2011)

I do not know your total situation but if i can offer some advice is if you do tell him, tell him anything he wants to know. Do this immediately. In my opinion dumping it all on them at once is preferable. Dealing with bits and pieces is horrible on a betrayed spouse. There will be a lot of pain that you cannot immagine so be ready for it. If you don't tell him cut off the affair and try and figure out what you are doing.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> Yeah - I will never ever forget seeing my wife in front of me literally coming apart emotionally and wanting soooo badly to go hold her and tell her I was there for her, but then knowing that I was the reason she was falling apart and being scared to even touch her. That memory is literally seared into me.


It's really paradox, isn't it? I can't imagine the agony of wanting to fall into your spouses arms for comfort but knowing they are the ones that caused your pain to begin with.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

FourtyPlus said:


> I can't imagine the agony of wanting to fall into your spouses arms for comfort but knowing they are the ones that caused your pain to begin with.


It sucks pretty badly.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> Yikes, that always seems scary to me cause I was on the other side of that, ending it completely on my own and confessing. I'd question if I really wanted to end if it I could not have done it on my own. Still, it's great to hear you ended it and are recovering your marriage.


I was like sigma in that if my wife had never made the ultimatum I would still be cheating to this day, most likely with multiple women over the years.

I have seen relatives (cousins and such) whose wives just turned a blind eye to their husband's exploits and I know that could have been me.

As for me, I allowed my wife to catch me because I just didn't really care if I got caught or not anymore at that point. But deep down I think I was hoping she would catch me, dump me and then I could be free to be with the OW, that way I wasn't the one kicking her, my wife, out.

The one biggest thing I go through and feel is that my wife would have been better off with someone else who didn't do this to her. Should have kicked me to the curb and started out fresh, 14 years ago she was still a young woman with a future ahead of her. I think alot of cheaters who do R with their spouses go through this and carry with us forever, well those that are actually remorseful.


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## on the edge (Nov 21, 2011)

lost2011 said:


> I do not know your total situation but if i can offer some advice is if you do tell him, tell him anything he wants to know. Do this immediately. In my opinion dumping it all on them at once is preferable. Dealing with bits and pieces is horrible on a betrayed spouse. There will be a lot of pain that you cannot immagine so be ready for it. If you don't tell him cut off the affair and try and figure out what you are doing.


:iagree::iagree:


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