# Trying to recover after wife's affair



## lostin2012 (Nov 23, 2013)

Someone on reddit suggested I share my story here, and that I would probably get some good advice. I always find it helpful to write this stuff down, so here goes!

My wife and I are in our mid-30s and have been together for about 9 years, married for 5. We have a wonderful son who's just about 3.

About 5 months ago I discovered that my wife had been having an affair for almost a year, with a co-worker (he works in a different division of the same large company -- it's a fluke they met and don't have to interact professionally). They were acquaintances before she went on mat leave and when she came back she began an emotional affair with him, which later become a full-fledged affair.

Shortly after she went back to work, she told me that she was unhappy and that maybe we should "take a break". I was sad and suggested that we work on it instead. After being extremely passive aggressive with me on father's day, she told me she was still really unhappy. I suggested marriage counselling. We tried that, the counsellor wasn't very good and she didn't want to go back, but also didn't have any interest in trying someone else.

At some point in here I suggested that she talk to her doctor about depression, because she seemed depressed, and a lot of her behaviour was consistent with post-partum. She also hated her job, was jealous of my career, was bullying, and constantly feeling sick (headaches mostly).

Shortly after that, her affair started. Meanwhile I was trying everything I could think of to improve things. She'd make some efforts but it was clear she was holding back.

She said she needed breaks from our son, and fair enough I understand that. I would arrange to spend weekends with him and take him to visit relatives once in a while, or even just to go out on an evening with friends. These would mostly become opportunities for her to carry on the affair.

I found out 5 months ago, was devastated but suggested that we try counselling again. She agreed, saying that she was extremely messed up, didn’t know what she was doing, and was terrified of losing me, her best friend.

The other man is several years younger than me, in a band, and irresponsible about his work (has gotten in trouble for being late).

We started couples and individual counselling, but she couldn’t bring herself to even say she wanted to save our marriage. She won’t wear her wedding ring (which she stopped wearing because she went running at lunch with her affair partner, the idea being she didn’t want to lose it, and now says “it just feels uncomfortable” … yeah, right). Aside from going to individual counselling, she does nothing (no journalling, meditating, reading books, talking about things with me or anyone) despite recognizing that she has really bad self-esteem and self-image problems. Her kisses are pecks, there has been no sex since D-day, and I initiate any kind of physical affection, even hand holding, a hug, etc. She has been very protective of things like email after I discovered the affair by reading her texts (and when called on this by our counsellor seemed to have not considered how her protectiveness would make me feel).

For her the problem is, she says, that I pressured her into having a child. I did (I said “I don’t want to break up over this”), when she had cold feet after previously wanting 4 kids, insisting we move to the suburbs, buy a house, etc, all so that we could be in a good school district, and have a nice yard for a family.

After about 4 months of individual and couples counselling and not really making much progress, she said she wanted to live on her own for a few months. She started crying when I talked about making it a formal separation, saying it was just a way of working on our relationship.

At first she wanted to move out, but instead we got an apartment and take turns spending time at the house with our son versus at the apartment. I didn’t want our son bouncing back and forth unnecessarily.

So that’s where we are, a few days into this trial separation. During that time she has sent me several emails and initiated chats over text, as if nothing was different.

I know from her browser history that she has spent time within the past couple of weeks looking at the twitter feed of the other man’s band, and also at the Facebook page of the other man’s long-time girlfriend.

I’ve come to realize that 
- I was worried about feeling ashamed about breaking up
- I was worried that I wouldn’t find someone as attractive as she is (she was always cute as hell but has lost a lot of weight in the past two years)

But now I know that I don’t need to be afraid about either of those things, that I don’t need her, and that if she can’t get herself together, it will be better to be rid of her, for both me and my son.

Having said that, if she can get herself together and we can fix this, and I mean really fix it, then I would prefer that.

Yesterday someone on another forum suggested I consider pulling a 180 with her. I’m definitely at the point of focusing on myself and letting go. I’ve worked so hard on trying to fix things, help her, control her, and caretake her problems, but I'm done with all that.

That was really long. Thanks if you read it all.


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## dontbeused (Nov 15, 2013)

lostin2012 said:


> Someone on reddit suggested I share my story here, and that I would probably get some good advice. I always find it helpful to write this stuff down, so here goes!
> 
> My wife and I are in our mid-30s and have been together for about 9 years, married for 5. We have a wonderful son who's just about 3.
> 
> ...



As long as you allow her to cake eat she will. Expose her to family friends the OM's girlfriend. Everyone, then file for D and see what happens when he has to take care if her. Her texting you two chatting over email. Cute and all. Stop being her girlfriend and act like a BS. Talk about child and finances only and do not respond to her about anything else


Either do this or it's over and you have no shot. This being nice, let's work on it, give it time crap makes you look and sound spineless and very unattractive. Sounds like she has had no consequences. She gets a baby sitter, her own place, her H as a buddy, and a rocker to sleep with. You get ..?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Exposure helps to shine the light on the affair. And to try to get her out of the affair fog. 

Tell the OM's girlfriend.

And your wife does not respect you. Respect yourself.

You are wasting money in counseling, she is not trying. She must go NC with the OM, or you file for divorce now.

She may wake up, but you are weak and she is not attracted to you. Do the 180. Did your counselor have you read not just friends? (or any other book?) 

File now and see if she wakes up. If not, you need this poison out of your life.


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## lostin2012 (Nov 23, 2013)

harrybrown said:


> Exposure helps to shine the light on the affair. And to try to get her out of the affair fog.
> 
> Tell the OM's girlfriend.
> 
> ...


We've stopped doing the couples counselling while we're separated.

Our couples counsellor gave us Hold Me Tight, and I read it, but my therapist said that was pointless at this stage (and I agree). I hadn't heard of Not Just Friends, I'll check it out.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

harrybrown said:


> Exposure helps to shine the light on the affair. And to try to get her out of the affair fog.
> 
> Tell the OM's girlfriend.
> 
> ...


This^^^ and expose to both families why you are divorcing her and for their support.
If you can personally tell the om gf that would be better imo.

Emails can get intercepted.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Can I ask, why was your counsellor no good? 

It seems to me, if they called her out on witholding passwords, they cannot be that bad? What is it that made them not so good?


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

Post partum depression is not an excuse for an affair. While depression maybe a contributing factor, she chose to step out of the marriage and cuckold the husband. 

Unsatisfactory.

OP, run.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Let her go. 
Do the 180 for yourself (if you don't know it check my sig line)

Read this book (it's not a sex manual) 
The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011: Athol Kay: 9781460981733: Amazon.com: Books

Stop engaging her in any convos that do not deal directly with your son. 

See a lawyer immediately to see what your responsibilities and rights are. You def don't want to have her wind up prego from this other guy while you are married or legally responsible for her. 

Don't be glum or needy, don't beg her for anything. Be cordial but cool. Concentrate on you, your son, your health - both physical and mental. Get a gym membership - get together with friends. 

Expose the affair to people that matter to her. Expose to the OM's gf. Think about posting him on the cheaterville website. 

If she asks to come back and give it another try then the affair must be completely over - she'll also need to get another job. But stop chasing her and trying to fix things. She wants what she wants and it's not you atm. 

accept it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> Let her go.
> Do the 180 for yourself (if you don't know it check my sig line)
> 
> Read this book (it's not a sex manual)
> ...


:iagree:


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

What she's doing is in so many word is stepping over a dirty dollar to pick up a shiny nickle. In the process, she's using you for her benefit. The problem is your letting her. 

The longer you let her use you, the worse it will get. IMO I would tell her that from now on the apartment that is rented is now her new home. The kid stays at your home and will continue that way. Let her know that she can have her boy toy and not only file but have her served at work. Let the families and friends know along with the OM's wife/girlfriend, and I would hand her your wedding band and tell her that it's tarnishing your finger. Start your own checking account and take her name of the credit cards. Take half the money and put it in your new one.

You have to let her know that you mean business and that you are not going to be any kind of back up plan and will not be disrespected by her affair. That's her problem to fix. You didn't cause it and you shouldn't have to suffer any more than you already have.

Think about it. Look at her and take a good look at yourself and see which one of you two is getting the worst of it. I promise you it isn't her and she is solely responsable for this mess. You can't be the nice guy any longer. Look where being the nice guy has got you so far.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

I agree with these posters...she is in the mental fog of her affair...and is not ready to quit, but not wanting to give up ties to the marriage, kid, and finances. So pretty much, she has the "cake and eat it too" setup where she can get best of both worlds...riding the fence and leaving you in stitches. 

She has not truly felt the consequences of the destruction she is creating in her family because you are so panicked to lose her and are extending yourself to grant her independence at your expense. In her mind, all she has to do is say the word and you will take her back. She has a safety net for her crap behavior...and you are probably sick ever night about it.

Love Must Be Tough by James Dobsen is an excellent book on how to set boundaries with a cheating spouse, how to back off emotionally, keep things business related until she truly ends the affair is is being proactive with getting in counseling. It also gets into the mindet of a cheating spouse, how infidelity isn't an overnight process, and what runs through their mind when they are trapped in the middle like this. reminds me of an old harry Connick Jr. song "You try and love two people, but you can't love either one. 'Cos after a while you'll have to choose, or else love self denial...."


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Chumplady hasn't posted recently but she gives great advice.

Here's one of her tips on how to leave a cheater:



> 1. Do NOT tip your hand. This is the first rule. It’s so tempting to flounce off to a lawyer and announce it to your cheater, expecting, boy they see that I really mean it this time! And half expecting them to do some Hail Mary maneuver to win you back. Bad move. When you tell your cheater that you’re seeing a lawyer, all this does is kick them into high gear to hide the evidence, f0ck you over financially, and get to the biggest pit bull attorney in town first before you do. They’re probably doing that at the VERY SAME TIME they are trying to throw you off the trail with “remorse” and “needing time” and booking trips to the marriage counselor. Hide the payment to the attorney as well, by whatever means necessary.



check out her site for other tips


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Read up on the 180. The purpose is to preserve you from further hurt. Do not treat it like a win her back strategem. If is changes perhaps you can consider reconciliation. Your wife seems attracted to bad boy. You are a nice guy. Drop this sensitive, considerate pose. It is making you feel like a cuckold. That is something your son should be protected from: dad must be a winner, someone loved by his wife.

Sorry you are in thos position. Do not talk with her about anything but your son and the divorce. Do not threaten D; just file.

You are separated. Frankly you are single. Your wife is not in any position to criticise you for dating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

6301 said:


> What she's doing is in so many word is stepping over a dirty dollar to pick up a shiny nickle. In the process, she's using you for her benefit. The problem is your letting her.
> 
> The longer you let her use you, the worse it will get. IMO I would tell her that from now on the apartment that is rented is now her new home. The kid stays at your home and will continue that way. Let her know that she can have her boy toy and not only file but have her served at work. Let the families and friends know along with the OM's wife/girlfriend, and I would hand her your wedding band and tell her that it's tarnishing your finger. Start your own checking account and take her name of the credit cards. Take half the money and put it in your new one.
> 
> ...


:iagreerove it down the middle.

Read mmslp and no more mr. nice guy...
after you take care what has to be done.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

I know you want to save your marriage but right now you don't have a marriage to save. A marriage cannot be three people and right now you're sharing your wife with another man. The only chance you have is to remove yourself from the equation and pray that she starts to see what she will be losing. You must turn your back on her. As long as you chase her she will keep running away from you. If you stop chasing her she will stop running and hopefully she'll see then where this road is leading. If you hope to save your marriage you need to make their affair as ugly as possible. Exposure is the only way to do that. Right now her head is filled with romantic visions of unicorns and butterflies. We all know that affairs are ugly, cruel and nothing but fantasy. You cannot show her this because you as her husband are part of it already. She won't listen to you. You must expose so that others in her life can show her the ugliness of what she's doing. She thinks her lover is Prince Charming. If you expose to his family, work, friends etc he will throw your wife under the bus and drop her like a bad penny. He won't look so good to her then and at that point her head may clear up enough for you to get through to her. I wish you luck my friend. This stuff isn't easy.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

bfree said:


> I know you want to save your marriage but right now you don't have a marriage to save. A marriage cannot be three people and right now you're sharing your wife with another man. The only chance you have is to remove yourself from the equation and pray that she starts to see what she will be losing. You must turn your back on her. As long as you chase her she will keep running away from you. If you stop chasing her she will stop running and hopefully she'll see then where this road is leading. If you hope to save your marriage you need to make their affair as ugly as possible. Exposure is the only way to do that. Right now her head is filled with romantic visions of unicorns and butterflies. We all know that affairs are ugly, cruel and nothing but fantasy. You cannot show her this because you as her husband are part of it already. She won't listen to you. You must expose so that others in her life can show her the ugliness of what she's doing. She thinks her lover is Prince Charming. If you expose to his family, work, friends etc he will throw your wife under the bus and drop her like a bad penny. He won't look so good to her then and at that point her head may clear up enough for you to get through to her. I wish you luck my friend. This stuff isn't easy.


You have to be willing to end it in order to save it.

This is so true.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Let me get this straight Lost. she told you was unhappy and that maybe ya'll should "take a break. She later told you she was still really unhappy. Then she hits you with she needs breaks from your son and she's getting it on regularly with a "bad boy" in a band. She really loves you Dawg. I can tell.
Now that she has revealed her “true” personality to you, you should asked yourself why you want to stay married to her. When she maneuvered you into switching out your house for the apartment, and likely sleeping the same bed where she entertains her boyfriend, I have to wonder what you hope to gain. Why are you going along with this crap? Save the marriage hell. You need to wake up, smell the coffee, and unload this chick.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Zero remorse cake eater. She continues to cheat and you offer her no consequences. It's fixable. If you're willing to do the hard things she needs you to do. Expose and file and she'll be on your doorstep begging. Continue as is though and she'll be gone for good.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Zero remorse cake eater. She continues to cheat and you offer her no consequences. It's fixable. If you're willing to do the hard things she needs you to do. Expose and file and she'll be on your doorstep begging. Continue as is though and she'll be gone for good.


Please digest what many of us have been telling you.

This is your only chance.

Suck it up and follow through.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

Lostin2012,

Really sorry to see you here. I understand why you might be inclined to reconcile, given that you invested so much in this relationship. But, listen to the collective wisdom here. Consider this investment as sunk cost and leave her. Staying with her means always wondering whether she has fallen again or not. She can give you a thousand reasons for her actions, but actions themselves speak louder than words at the end of the day.

Leave her, regain yourself, and build a happier future.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

She isn't able to let go of her young lover "Cold Turkey"---so he is still in your mge., whatever is left of it

You can't "Nice" her back into wanting you/the mge/her child

What are her actual feelings toward the child---you said, she didn't really want kids---so where is she as to her child

Its time you filed for D---whether you R, or D---filing will at least make her understand you are serious about finding some sort of a path for each of you----you don't want to stay in this middle ground of a legal sep.

Have you really made her face reality, as to life on her own---with all it brings---if not its time you started to think about doing so--------at this point it is very possible, she doesn't want you---and forcing her to stay, will just be living in misery for both of you

Expose to family members---her lovers GF (that probably will not do much, but who knows)---Tell her she MUST go NC, as to even looking him up on FB---also take all the marital finances, and put them in an account with only your name on it---cancel any joint CC's----and then tell her, you expect her to pay half of all family bills---including mtg, car payments, utilities, insurance bills, and living necessities---this will give her a taste of REALITY---lets see how she handles, facing life on her own----and STOP BEING NICE TO HER


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

lostin2012 said:


> My wife and I are in our mid-30s and have been together for about 9 years, married for 5. We have a wonderful son who's just about 3.
> 
> About 5 months ago I discovered that my wife had been having an affair for almost a year.
> 
> ...


My read on this is that she is extremely resentful about being pressured to have a baby AND she equates that with YOU NOT LOVING HER. No matter what you say or do now, she always goes back to your actions then. She got it in her head at that point that you don't really love her, AND that she doesn't really love you. THAT is what allowed her to have the affair, what she used to give herself permission.

She is separating from you, both with living arrangements and physically but does not want to divorce, she will not wear her wedding ring she says due to comfort reasons.

It does not sound like the other man is all that into your wife, but that your wife is a bit obsessive about the other man. Other man is carrying on with his life, while your wife is pining away looking at his facebook. She may think she is "in love" with him.

Normally I would say that your wife is just using you for finances or to keep up appearances, but in your case I sense there is a little something more at play

What does your wife think of you right now? Has she told you? What are you to her? Friend? Husband? Former lover? Possible future lover?

What have you said to your wife about pressuring her into having the baby? Has that issue ever been resolved? What type of conversation do you have about that now, if you ever talk about it, and if you don't ever talk about it, what do you think your wife would say about it?

I believe she may be holding onto that resentment over being pressured to have the baby and that is still getting in the way of her working on the marriage with you.

Where does she stand with other man now? Looks at his stuff on the internet? Emails him and hides it from you? Does she still have sex with him? Does she believe she is "in love" with him?

What does other man say to your wife? Is he stringing her along, keeping her on the side? Does he profess his love, or is he using her for sex, or for validation?


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## Stronger-now (Oct 31, 2013)

lostin2012 said:


> Shortly after she went back to work,* she told me that she was unhappy and that maybe we should "take a break*".
> 
> I was sad and suggested that we work on it instead. After being extremely passive aggressive with me on father's day, *she told me she was still really unhappy*.
> 
> ...


Your wife is cake-eating, BIG TIME. 

So shortly after she met this band guy, she claimed to be unhappy and wanted to take a break, even from her own son. And she used this so-called break to pursue her affair. 

After D-day, no remorse, no transparency, not wearing wedding band (probably because she told the band guy that she is single?), not interested in saving your marriage (yet do not want a divorce either...probably because deep down she knows the band guy doesn't want anything long-term with her), and get this...no sex, and now trial separation and she spends her time cyber-stalking the guy.

She is infatuated by the guy, big time. She doesn't care about you and your marriage.

Save all the evidence you have found so far, expose to the guy's long-term girlfriend (don't tell your wife, just do it), and then go dark on your wife. Consult an attorney and file for a divorce. 

There is nothing to save here. She is so far gone...chasing a guy who is not that into her. Leave her be.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I agree that she is resentful about being pressured to have a baby and has severe post partum depression. She feels that her life and career are now shackled while you get to pursue yours without any issues, and to some extent its true in that children tend to impact mom's career much more than dad's. My guess is that though she's detached from you and doesn't really love you she also knows loverboy is a poor prospect, so she's not able to square ending the marriage for him but is really into him. Could she snap out of it? Possibly, but your best chance really does involve filing for divorce and moving on. She will cry a lot, go forward with it anyway. Its possible that when she sees what she's going to lose she'll snap out of it, but even then you run the risk of her coming back for the support, not because she loves you.
PS: I have a male running buddy at work too, and I wear my wedding ring. .You're not going to lose it on a run, that's just ridiculous.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

She is not trying to recover, you are.

Expose in nuclear fashion and leave her out in the cold of your and her child's life. Stop letting her cake eat.

Keep going until you see and hear remorse.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Reality check : You have a selfish mid 30's child on your hands who doesn't want to play grown up anymore, is already tired of being a mother after all of 3 years, and just wants to be "free" to bang the young "rebel" guy in the band.

Give her what she wants then. File for D ASAP, and fight for FULL custody of your son. You have a son, now show him how a real man acts when someone treat him like sh!t. 

Be a role model, not a door mat !


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

:iagree:


barbados said:


> Reality check : You have a selfish mid 30's child on your hands who doesn't want to play grown up anymore, is already tired of being a mother after all of 3 years, and just wants to be "free" to bang the young "rebel" guy in the band.
> 
> Give her what she wants then. File for D ASAP, and fight for FULL custody of your son. You have a son, now show him how a real man acts when someone treat him like sh!t.
> 
> Be a role model, not a door mat !


:iagree:

You have a chance now to replace this phony version of a wife with a real one. But first you need to sever the phony one permanently. Then you will be amazed at how many available women are light years ahead of her in maturity and humanity, while being every bit as "cute."


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Until the OM is completely out of your chick head then the marriage is toast.

From were I'm sitting you are on the right path.

You just can compete with new love and right now your chick isn't doing a thing to redeem her actions. Hell if she wanted this family unit to stay intact then she would have fought tooth and nail to keep the family unit together....instead she gives you a line of crap about seperating.

Dude she just wants to be single again Monday. Wednseday, Friday, and Sunday and a mother and wife on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday.

Some folks can call it depression ...I call it cake eating!

I mean who the phuck keeps looking at the OMs website when their marriage is about to calapse? A someone that has strong feeling for someone thats who.

Really..."I'm losing my family and their are tools out there that can help me...but screw it.....I'll take the easy way out"

I also think she had her chance and she dropped the ball. Maybe in the future she can fix her self and just maybe fix the relationship she needs to have with her childs father.


When will cheaters figure out that with out sacrifice and commitment the reward is a hell of lot more long lasting then the short lived gradifaction they get in the now by taking the eay way out.

I mean if your chick could have made a commitment and sacrificed and fought through the hard times...in 30 -40 years she could have been sitting next to a man that loved her for decade, surrounded by huge family....instead she most likely will be found by the postman in her trailer, surrounded by dozens of cat and cat boo, clutching a handfull of wedding rings.

Sorry..I'm done ranting


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

the guy said:


> Until the OM is completely out of your chick head then the marriage is toast.
> 
> From were I'm sitting you are on the right path.
> 
> ...


Cake eating can often be fueled by depression, but that doesn't mean it must be accepted.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

nuclearnightmare said:


> :iagree:
> 
> :iagree:
> 
> You have a chance now to replace this phony version of a wife with a real one. But first you need to sever the phony one permanently. Then you will be amazed at how many available women are light years ahead of her in maturity and humanity, while being every bit as "cute."


:iagree:

There are too many wanting to handle a crappy marriage like its a gold mine with a minor cave-in that's going to pay big when its cleared. Lost needs to ask himself, what I'm going to have if the OM is out of the picture.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

Your wife may have felt pressured into motherhood, though I get the impression that most of the anxiety was ex post facto. It certainly appears that she may have suffered from postpartum depression and failed to resolve these issues. While some people that become depressed do have affairs, the percentage of these people are not any higher than those who do not. 

The fact is she had the affair for her own selfish reasons and has attempted to blame-shift the problem. There is no reason for you to feel shame or failure for the situation, this is all her. Most affairs thrive in the darkness and fade in the light of day. Therefore you need to expose this to family and close friends, so she can't excuse it away to others.

Also you need to do a hard 180, she wants to eat her cake and have it too, there needs to be consequences to her actions. She needs to put on her big girl pants and decide if she wants to be his girlfriend or your wife. Additionally, you need to consult with an attorney and determine your legal rights. You don't have to file, but you need to know your rights and be prepared. 

As others have stated here, while you are doing the 180 you need to spend as much time with your son as possible and make that time count. Do your chores and running work when not with him, make his time special, he deserves your attention. You also need to reconsider your relationship with your wife. I know you love her, but what you describe, she hasn't been invested in the marriage in a long time. I'm not saying divorce, because that has to be your decision, but you have to be honest with yourself and now is the time.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

I hate to ask this but would a DNA test be out of line?


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

bfree said:


> I hate to ask this but would a DNA test be out of line?


OP said in his post that he found out 5 months ago that affair had been going on for a year, that is a 1 1/2 years right there that he knows of, and the kid is only 3.

I would DNA if I were him !


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Don't forget the DNA test has more then one tactic in mind.

Not only does it confirm if your the bio dad or not but it also shows the wayward wife that her action have consequences and one of those consequences is questioning her childs father. You are actually questioning the very foundation of the family unit. You are questioning her moral compass

A questiontion that would have never ever needed to be asked if she had not commited adultery.

Also you do not need your WW permission for this test.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

At the end of the day you will always be the kids dad..the thinking here (DNA testing) is your not questioning being a father....you are questioning your wifes capacity to how far she can decieve you.


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

LongWalk said:


> Read up on the 180. The purpose is to preserve you from further hurt. Do not treat it like a win her back strategem. If is changes perhaps you can consider reconciliation. Your wife seems attracted to bad boy. You are a nice guy. Drop this sensitive, considerate pose. It is making you feel like a cuckold. That is something your son should be protected from: dad must be a winner, someone loved by his wife.
> 
> Sorry you are in thos position. Do not talk with her about anything but your son and the divorce. Do not threaten D; just file.
> 
> ...


Be careful about dating while you are still married. In some states this could blow up in your face. You are legally married until the divorce decree is stamped official.


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## TexDad034 (Oct 9, 2013)

Hey Lost. Check your PMs


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

First of all - sorry you are here. I know how devastated I was when I came here. I stumbled on to this site by accident. Some of the things I initially heard hurt me greatly...... like she is gone and forget about her because all I ever wanted to do was to get my family back together. 

But...Here`s the deal----she IS gone! LONG gone....I did not realize how far gone until time went by but everyone on this site was right. She was LONG gone .... she posted stuff on her FB like it ``money doesn't matter, love will see us through`` and ``the future is filled with possibilities`` ..I`m sure her AP had fun watching her post that crap....one person posted on here that she will come back but by then it will be too late...well it has been 1 year and 9 months and we are coming up to Christmas and guess who is now emailing me and communicating with me? I know ``the fog`` has lifted but what`s left to save? A severely fractured family and a relationship with someone who dropped me like a bag of rotten potatoes to pursue some douch bag. I think of my boys and how they would love to she her and I together again but after reading about how hard reconciliation is....it is just not worth it. 

Pure economics for me - cost outweighs the reward.
Good luck - I am sorry..my kids were older.


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## lostin2012 (Nov 23, 2013)

Thanks for the input everyone. In the last few days I changed my attitude drastically as described in the 180, and it's had pretty immediate effects... She's expressed remorse like I hadn't seen previously, and admitted that she hasn't been working hard enough in therapy. And more than anything else, I finally feel like I have some self-respect again.

Obviously that's not enough, but it's a start. I'll continue on with this new outlook, consult a lawyer, and see where this takes me.


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## lostin2012 (Nov 23, 2013)

To answer a couple of other questions from the thread:
- The OM knows we're married. We've all hung out (including his girlfriend) before.
- I don't think a DNA test is actually necessary. I understand why you're suggesting that (for the purpose of shaming if nothing else) but it seems like a lot of drama, and I'd rather just move on with my life.



Will_Kane said:


> My read on this is that she is extremely resentful about being pressured to have a baby AND she equates that with YOU NOT LOVING HER. No matter what you say or do now, she always goes back to your actions then. She got it in her head at that point that you don't really love her, AND that she doesn't really love you. THAT is what allowed her to have the affair, what she used to give herself permission.


Yeah, that's my impression, too.



> It does not sound like the other man is all that into your wife, but that your wife is a bit obsessive about the other man.


When I first discovered the affair she told me that she didn't know how she could have done this to someone who loved her so much to be with someone who "didn't give a rat's ass" about her.



> What does your wife think of you right now? Has she told you? What are you to her? Friend? Husband? Former lover? Possible future lover?


"I love you but I'm not in love with you". (I started reading descriptions of the Affair Fog and it was like she was reading off a script).

"I can see how other women would find you attractive". (during all this she has bragged to her friends about what good shape I'm in)



> What have you said to your wife about pressuring her into having the baby? Has that issue ever been resolved?


I initially apologized for pressuring her. Later we talked about it more and both agreed there was nothing wrong with me wanting to have a family with her, especially given how keen she had been on the idea for so long.



> I believe she may be holding onto that resentment over being pressured to have the baby and that is still getting in the way of her working on the marriage with you.


Yeah I completely agree. I don't think there's anything to salvage as long as she feels that way.



> Where does she stand with other man now? Looks at his stuff on the internet? Emails him and hides it from you? Does she still have sex with him? Does she believe she is "in love" with him?
> 
> What does other man say to your wife? Is he stringing her along, keeping her on the side? Does he profess his love, or is he using her for sex, or for validation?


She's told me that she has not had any contact with him, but that she would like to. My feeling has been that if she was actually in contact with him she would just say that she isn't in contact with him, not that she would like to be. That may be naive.

From what I know of the OM I get the impression he has probably moved on to another woman. He seems to make friends mostly with women and have similar (public, at least) relationships with them as he did with my wife.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

If she once wanted a family but then feels you pressured her into having a baby, it looks like she checked out before that. Its weird to say the least, that she changed her mind about children, more likely she started think about someone else. This all may go back further than you think.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

Be wary of the epiphany that occurs right when you begin the 180.

This forum is crowded with stories of WS who took their affairs underground after being called on the carpet for Cake Eating.

She has to now rebuild the trust she so callously destroyed.

You have to be STRONG and not be the "Nice" guy.

1. She needs to be completely open
2. No secret passwords
3. You have open access to her Email, Computer and Phone
4. Buy some VARS place in her car, underneath, attached to the Drivers seat, Put one in a secret place where she spends time alone with her phone.
5. You stay in the home, no more her or you camping out alone in the apartment. Sure you can trust her to be true when she is alone at night in an apartment (sarcasm).
6. Get yourself and her tested for STDs.
7. Get ready for all the wonderful mind movies you will now have.
SORRY YOU ARE HERE


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Lost

You have handled yourself so well.

You are starting to realize you married a selfish woman. Between her selfishness and low self esteem you have a recipe for disaster.

Sadly a woman like your wife does not learn her lesson until she has been used and abused. Until she has lost it all.

Keep up the 180.

No contact except for the kid. Fix you. Be strong.

You deserve better now go find it.

HM


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Don't let up the 180. If she really changes, you can take another look. But for the moment she not sure what she wants. Why spend money on a sailboat with a broken rudder?


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Hopefully those feelings for the OM will die. In late April early May when my wife came clean she told me she still had feelings for the XOM. Inside it pis*ed me off. How could anyone have feelings for anyone else but their spouse? But that is what TAM addresses in many posts. I asked my wife many times if she still has feelings and eventually she said no, she realizes that it was all wrong and that it died.

I still ask from time to time. I appreciated my wife's honesty even though I did not always like what I heard. It gave me a barometer of where her emotional state was at the time.

In R the WS has to grieve the loss of their OM/OW, as unfair to us (the BS) as it may sound, it goes with the process in R.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

I hope you are going to tell his girlfriend still.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

How would she feel if you had an affair?

Would she be trying like you?

It takes two working hard to get a marriage to work. She is not trying at all. 

File for divorce. Let her have her band man. But get tested for stds.

She may never wake up, and there are plenty of bands out there.


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## Stevienash (Nov 26, 2013)

Hi all 1st time poster here.

My story is my wife ended our 6 year marriage in August. She blamed it on me giving me a long list of faults of why it ended. Fast forward 3 months she moves out taking our 2 young sons with her. The first night on her own she confesses that she had she had her ex get in touch with her via facebook need i say no more. Since then she tells me its over i say do you want a divorcee she keeps saying no as she don't know what she wants. She text me last Friday asking me to go up hers and spend the evening together I couldn't as i had plans already so we arranged to go out last night.
It goes well took her to the cinema brought her flowers ect why am i doing all the hard work?
I am in so much pain not real! i live in Cardiff 200 miles away from my friends and family in emotional hell


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

Stevie, copy what you wrote and make your own post 

In short. She's cheated and your chasing. I think you know that's not how things work. Is she such a prize that she craps on you and you bring her flowers to a date?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Longwalk did a good job of explaining it, but yes it is tough when your cheating wife acknowledges that she still has feelings for the OM. Mainly the part where you basically have to allow her to grieve his loss and contain your anger over the whole mess (assuming you are wanting everything to work out)

In the meantime, you still have to keep an eye on her because she will obviously be tempted to reach out to the OM, even if he was an ass who didn't care about her. I believe it is also common for her to create resentment towards you over what she is going through. Imagine a scenario like, "The OM was amazing, I had so much fun with him and felt truly desirable and loved by him! Losing him hurts me to my core. Why am I doing it? For my husband who (in the fog) doesn't care for me the way OM does, and I know I don't care for him the same way either. I wouldn't even be in this mess if he had just loved me the way he promised he would!" It's tough for them too, so you have to remember that.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Stevienash said:


> Since then she tells me its over i say do you want a divorcee she keeps saying no as she don't know what she wants.


Stevie my man, the one thing you need to learn is women don't contact their ex and then lose interest in you. They lose interest in you and then seek a replacement. So she left because her romantic interest in you has declined.
I know it defies what you were taught and what your mind and emotions tell you, but you ain't gonna lure her back to your den by chasing her and showing her how much you love her. Its way the contrary Dawg. The next time she ask you to come up, tell her you wished she'd call earlier because you've already made plans.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

How are things going, Steve?


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Lost

How are you doing?

HM


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## helpandadvice (Sep 13, 2013)

I have ben to hell and almost back. My divorce is final tomorrow and I never completely listened to people on hear. I sure wish I listened and would have saved alot of pain. You need to stop being nice to her and do the 180 now. I do not care what she is doing now, she has done it in the past and is just playing with you. File for D and make her move out. It is very important for her to have consequences and know you mean business. You do not have to follow through with it but put the fear of god in her. 

Expose to everyone and I mean everyone. Affairs will die if it is now fun and need secretsy to survive. My ex and OM had a plan for him to come down after divor e for a long steamy weekend. I found out, told everyone and embarassed her extremely bad. This om decided it is not worth it and supposedly dumped her.

YOU HAVE TO MAKE THIS FAIR VERY DIFFICULT TO KEEP GOING. TELL EVERYONE. YOUR FAMILY, HER FAMILY, HER FRIENDS, YOUR FRIENDS, I MEAN EVERYONE. If the marriage does fall apart, first impressions or stories are huge. You need your true story out first. She is a liar and that is what they do. She is a much better liar than you ...I promise.

Sory you are here, but I can not stress enough to do the advice you get on here. You will see ... i am about 6 months ahead of you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

helpandadvice said:


> I have ben to hell and almost back. My divorce is final tomorrow and I never completely listened to people on hear. I sure wish I listened and would have saved alot of pain. You need to stop being nice to her and do the 180 now. I do not care what she is doing now, she has done it in the past and is just playing with you. File for D and make her move out. It is very important for her to have consequences and know you mean business. You do not have to follow through with it but put the fear of god in her.
> 
> Expose to everyone and I mean everyone. Affairs will die if it is now fun and need secretsy to survive. My ex and OM had a plan for him to come down after divor e for a long steamy weekend. I found out, told everyone and embarassed her extremely bad. This om decided it is not worth it and supposedly dumped her.
> 
> ...


:iagree:
You will never nice her out of this.
She is showing zero respect for you.


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## jnichk76 (Nov 4, 2013)

lostin2012 said:


> To answer a couple of other questions from the thread:
> - The OM knows we're married. We've all hung out (including his girlfriend) before.
> - I don't think a DNA test is actually necessary. I understand why you're suggesting that (for the purpose of shaming if nothing else) but it seems like a lot of drama, and I'd rather just move on with my life.
> 
> ...


What did you decide to do? Did you stick with the 180?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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