# Childless, sexless marriage - families getting interested - help!



## wifey82

Ok I am getting in a mess here and I don't see how to sort it out!

We got married 2 and a half years ago because we wanted to have children. We had been living together for 8 years before hand and decided now was the time to have kids. However after the wedding I came off the pill and well he never had sex with me again. Our sex life had never been frequent - maybe 3 times a month but that was ok with us - 2 and a half years is something else. He still talks about having 2 children and discusses names and schools so I don't know what is the problem.

Anyway I have PCOS and since coming off the pill it has only highlighted just how badly the PCOS is affecting my fertility. (not having periods for months on end no signs of ovulation) I was sent to the hospital for investigation and was told that my ovaries were in such a bad shape I had until I was 30 if I wanted to have kids without medical assistance. I was 28 then and when I explained the situation to OH he just said oh well we are still too young for kids - completely ignoring the problem! I had been instructed by the hospital to have sex every 2 days for the next year and then come back if I still was not pregnant. Well I nearly fell about laughing at what OH would say to that! 10 months on I am now 29 and still not had sex once since - and the hospital are expecting me back in 2 months! (think I may have to cancel)

Anyway enough background - my problem. When the hospital told me how much a mess I was in I was upset by OH's reaction and I told my mum an edited version. She knew we were getting married to have kids and has been eagerly awaiting grand kid news. As the year has worn on and 30 is getting closer, she is pushing me to go back to the hospital as she knows of drugs such as Clomid they can give to PCOS'ers who cannot conceive. I cannot bring myself to tell her that there is zero chance of me getting pregnant due to living in a sexless marriage. She knows I am due to return to the hospital in two months and is offering to come with me and help me fight for the drugs. Everyone is asking me about babies it is getting unreal! His mother is asking me, my mum is asking me, my friends, my sister - everyone is interested apart from my husband! (who apparently is interested but just not enough to have sex) I tell them to try asking my husband for his view but this seems to be a female thing!

What is making it worse is my own body is starting to make its desire for babies too aware. Everywhere I look I see pregnant friends, couples with young babies, friends on facebook sharing every second of their pregnancy. The irrational feeling of jealousy and hatred I feel towards these women is frightening. I feel so broody, depressed and under pressure about it I just cry. I am starting to snipe more at OH now because I know having a child is something I want but it will not happen for me because of his decisions and I feel so out of control of the situation as I have no say whatsoever. The time frame does nothing to calm me down but I had decided I will not have invasive medical assistance if he finally decides he wants to have kids. He knows we are running out of time but he will not talk. Even if we were back to have sex 3 times a month at least I could hope and pretend when the PCOS makes my period stupidly late!

Anyway how on earth do I slow down my mother? Every lie I can think of does not stand scrutiny 'we don't have the money' would cause worry, 'we are too young' she knows this is a lie, 'i changed my mind' again another obvious lie and yet the truth 'sorry your daughter is so undesirable her husband cannot bring himself to sleep with me!' is too painful and shameful to admit. I know I shouldn't have told her what was going on but she is my mum! I know she is only trying to do her best for me but even the strongest fertility drugs in the world are not going to help!


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## omega

Your mother is not the problem.

The problem is that you married someone in order to have children. Unless you marry someone in order to have a husband, you are asking for trouble. 

It is possible that your husband does want to have children - just not with you. You need to ask yourself: how important to you is it that your husband is the father of your children? 

Don't blame this on your pregnant friends posting ultrasounds on Facebook, or on your mother who wants to support you. 

Your husband may not feel ready to have children, with you or with anyone, and that vetoes your desire to have children with him. BOTH have to want it!


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## wifey82

Ok so it is wrong that two adults in long term relationship decide to have children and decide to get married to have children in a marriage! Sorry must be the old fashion side of me not embracing the modern world of just having children with a man you are not married to. Yes we got married to have children - we both decided this! We planned the wedding for a year -we as in both of us he never gave any hints of not being happy with how things were going! My feelings for him have not changed just because I became his wife and him my husband!

He says he wants children and yet will not have sex. I am respecting his views and actions and I am not pushing the issue. I am accepting all of his decisions even though my own views are never considered. I feel frightened and pressured by this but I would never try to pressurize his decision. I have offered to go back on the pill but he has said no!

My problems is how to I protect him from my family as they believe we have the perfect loving relationship and that we are just struggling to conceive. I don't want to disrespect him by accidentally admitting our lack of sex to stop my mum when she is pushing for more medical treatment for me!


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## omega

wifey82 said:


> Ok so it is wrong that two adults in long term relationship decide to have children and decide to get married to have children in a marriage! Sorry must be the old fashion side of me not embracing the modern world of just having children with a man you are not married to. Yes we got married to have children - we both decided this! We planned the wedding for a year -we as in both of us he never gave any hints of not being happy with how things were going! My feelings for him have not changed just because I became his wife and him my husband!
> 
> He says he wants children and yet will not have sex. I am respecting his views and actions and I am not pushing the issue. I am accepting all of his decisions even though my own views are never considered. I feel frightened and pressured by this but I would never try to pressurize his decision. I have offered to go back on the pill but he has said no!
> 
> My problems is how to I protect him from my family as they believe we have the perfect loving relationship and that we are just struggling to conceive. I don't want to disrespect him by accidentally admitting our lack of sex to stop my mum when she is pushing for more medical treatment for me!


I get what you're saying but I'm just trying to suggest that the problem is not where you think it is. But go ahead trying to treat a symptom and not the actual problem. I'm pretty sure that as an adult man he doesn't need your protection from your family. 

In any case, there's no reason for you to discuss your sex life or lack thereof with your mother! I suspect most spouses would think of that as a betrayal - surely not all, but do you want to risk it? You won't "accidentally" admit your lack of sex to your mom - but you might decide that it would just be easier to tell her.

Look, if you want a simple solution to this, just tell your mom (and anyone else who asks) that you've been advised to avoid anxiety to help with the TTC, and when people ask you about your TTC, it gives you a lot of anxiety, so if they really care about you, they won't bring it up if you don't.


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## FirstYearDown

Did you ever think that your husband, might resent being a glorified sperm donor? :scratchhead: He clearly is not ready to be a parent, but he married you to make you happy. 

I don't see that you married him because of any love or admiration for who he was. You married him to have a proper home to raise children in, which is using him. 

Omega was not referring to the notion that children should be raised by married parents. Her response was about your candid assertion that you only married to have kids. 

Keep private marital issues where they belong-only between you and your husband. My mother kept trying to push me for information about our married life. She wouldn't stop the intrusive questions when I asked her, so I got my father to tell her to knock it off. Division of chores or our decision to remain childfree has nothing to do with her.


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## turnera

wifey82 said:


> He says he wants children and yet will not have sex. I am respecting his views and actions and I am not pushing the issue.


Why not? He lied to you. You deserve an answer to this VERY IMPORTANT QUESTION.

Sit him down this weekend and tell him everything. Ask him if he wants a divorce. Tell him that you won't stay married if he will not have SF with you, so tell you what he wants.



> I am accepting all of his decisions even though *my own views are never considered.* I feel *frightened and pressured* by this but *I would never try* to pressurize his decision. I have offered to go back on the pill but he has said no!


Why? Why do you accept this? Is he the boss of you? Is he the only important person in the marriage? Why are you putting up with this?



> My problems is how to I protect him from my family


You don't. He's an adult. If HE is harming your marriage - and he IS - then HE can take the heat for his own actions. Tell your mom the truth. Maybe she will have some advice. 

My advice, after more than 30 years of marriage, is to tell you that you will NOT benefit from hiding the truth from your mother (assuming she's not a horrible mother). She can and will help you navigate this part of your marriage. She wants to. Let her.


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## Scannerguard

Actually, I am going to meditate on this one and give you a gut answer and then get back to you:

A. It's not necessarily a wrong reason to get married - to want to have children within the confines of a partnership. In fact, you'll find that to be a basic tenant of marriage as you travel across many religious doctrines

B. Give your mother the truth. Yeah, sure, it will be awkward as hell when you give your mother the speech on how babies are made but your mother and others are being butt-in-ski's, well, they had better not inquire on things maybe better left unsaid. It will shut your mother up.

C. Develop an action plan.


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