# How to Help My Husband...?



## Hopeful1 (Aug 31, 2010)

My husband and I are new to couples counseling and are trying to save our marriage. I'm in 100% and want to save it; husband isn't sure. He's felt neglected for years now as I let myself become dragged down by a horrible job and proceeded to become someone I didn't recognize. Spineless against my abusive employer, nasty and mean to my husband and family, angry most of the time, and overall unhappy. I gained weight, lost my sex drive and my outgoing, bubbly personality, and felt trapped and helpless. After a few final straws with work, I started job hunting a couple of months ago. I also started to find myself again with new haircut, clothing and exercise. This helped my libido as well. But it was too late for my husband who has become "numb" toward me and doesn't think he wants to be married anymore. He's open to counseling and is going with me. He says he's keeping an open mind to "work" on our marriage. However, he is afraid to trust that these changes are real and permanent. I understand this, but it doesn't make his distance or unwillingness to forgive me an easy thing.

My question: He said during our 3rd session last night that my newly revived sex drive is too much for him right now. He's not "feeling it" and feels guilt when I want to seduce him and he's not feeling the same way. He's been going along with it, but says that he's not feeling it, and wants us to put the sex on hold for a while. This is maddening for me of course, because I want to make up for all of the time we've lost -- all of the time I've rejected him. He wants us to co-exist and "be friends" for a while but I'm terrified of this notion. I want to respect his needs and help him through his trust issues with me -- to help him see that this change is permanent and that I'll never take him for granted again. But if we become "only friends" for a while won't this just reinforce his distance from me? And what do I do with these intense feelings I have for him???


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## Lovemykids (Sep 14, 2010)

I totally understand where YOU are coming from but your going to have to respect his wishes!!!! Talk to him about your fear of drifting apart but pushing sex when he's not into it at the moment might make thing worse!!!!! There's other ways to stay close without being intimate!!!! (if that makes since) I know you wanna make up for lost time but there will be time for that when you two get past all this!!!! 

Just respect his wishes and spend quality time doing something else perhaps a weekend get away???
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## Hopeful1 (Aug 31, 2010)

I'm really making a conscious effort to respect those boundaries and keep my sexual thoughts, needs and desires to myself. The distance is so painful and I want nothing more than to be physically close to him. But I'm holding myself back and will let him have his space as long as I can.

We just returned from a weekend away, actually. He admitted during our session that he had fun but that it was awkward at times. He felt as though I had expectations from the weekend -- like a romantic weekend away -- and he was just content with hanging out as friends. This took me by surprise a bit because he was consenting in every way the times we became intimate over the weekend. And I didn't always initiate it. But when we came back and he admitted that he wanted to put sex on the back burner for a while, I learned of his real feelings. It's very painful and I'm feeling so alone right now. But I know it's taken us time to get into this mess -- and that it's mostly my doing. It's going to take us time to get out of it... if we're able to at all. I miss him so much and hope he gives me the chance to make up for my wrongs for the rest of our lives.


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## Trakeveth (Aug 20, 2010)

I can completely understand how you must be feeling right now, but what I take away from your posts is this....

You can't always have it your way. You have to respect his wishes right now.

You admitted that you created the distance between you and your husband by allowing a bad job situation to drive a wedge between the two of you.

You now ask, what am I supposed to do with the feelings I have for him? Well, what did he do with the feelings he had for you when you were pushing him away all the time?

You can't just flip a switch and say okay, I am different now so even though I have treated you like crap for the past x-number of years, now I just want you to love me unconditionally.

It doesn't sound like he is pushing you away. He is understandably timid about jumping back in with blind faith.

Only time will prove to him how serious you are about your life changes. Give him that time to learn to trust you again. Be patient with him. Try to put yourself in his shoes and understand where he is coming from.

Instead of focusing on what is not working or hard for you, try focusing on feeling contentment that you are giving him what he wants and needs right now and feel good about that.


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## Hopeful1 (Aug 31, 2010)

"Instead of focusing on what is not working or hard for you, try focusing on feeling contentment that you are giving him what he wants and needs right now and feel good about that."

That is exactly what I will do when my feelings overwhelm me. I realize that I can't get what I want when I want it. And really I don't think my wishes are coming from a need to "control" -- they're from fear of losing the person I love more than anything in the world. I don't want him to think I'm content with the "friend" thing. I want him to know that I love him and will never go back to the unrecognizable person I was before. Ever. I won't go back there our of love for him. And I won't ever go back there out of love for myself. I hated myself back then and I'm not letting that negativity enter my life again.

I am trying, very mindfully, to respect his wishes and will try to show him love in other, non-physical ways. I only hope that he it doesn't reinforce his "friends only" feelings toward me.


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## Trakeveth (Aug 20, 2010)

I wish you all the best. Believe me, I know what it feels like to be terrified of losing the person you love the most in the world. 

Keep trying. You sound very determined and hopefully that determination will show through to him too.


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## Hopeful1 (Aug 31, 2010)

Thanks, Trakeveth. It's such a tough time. I am determined, but sometimes my panic and fear gets the best of me and makes me doubt myself. I have momentary "cut your losses and run" thoughts which are caused by the pain. But I love my husband and will do whatever it takes to save my marriage. I guess if I get burned and he chooses to leave anyway, then I can at least know I did my best. I hope and pray that I don't have to know how that feels... Having a mild panic attack right now, so need to take a short walk!!! Ugh...This sucks.


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## lovelieswithin (Apr 29, 2010)

Resentment is a nasty thing. It blinds your eyes that once saw beauty in your partner, makes you question why you're in the relationship and turns off the sex drive almost completely. There is even resentments being made when the neglectful partner all of a sudden starts to fix things because the neglected partner feels like "what took you so long". If he still loves you (which I imagine since he was willing to do counseling) then give him time for his resentment tides to calm. Continue improving but give him respectful space to not only let the old resentments fade with gained trust but also to get to know the "new" you. Youre wanting to get back to being in love too fast- trust that he needs more time and show him u mean business this time with the turnaround! =) good luck!!!!
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## Hopeful1 (Aug 31, 2010)

Lovelieswithin, Thanks so much. I don't think I ever really thought about him still loving me because he's willing to do counseling...He's been so negative lately that's its been hard to see any positive. However, despite his "I am numb to you" and "I love you like a friend" types of comments, there must still be something in him that cares or he'd be out the door, right? It so hard to be patient, but it's something that I'm having to learn. I do want to respect his needs and wishes. I want to show him that I care through my efforts -- even when it means leaving him alone. Tough to do when I want to wrap my arms around him every waking moment and beam with the love I feel for him. But I'm doing it and, thanks to folks like you on these boards, I'm getting by day by day with baby steps. And, yes, he feels the "what took you so long" resentment on top of the other resentments too...! What a mess I'm in...I guarantee I'll never make these mistakes again.


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## Hopeful1 (Aug 31, 2010)

Last night was a big distance night and it was hard as hell to get through. We'd had an argument with our teen son -- caught him lying. The argument stressed all of us out completely. It was late, we were all tired, and the stress level was off the charts. After son went to bed, I needed/wanted some connect time with husband -- to commiserate, feel like we're on the same parenting page, and deflate a little with him. In truth, I really needed one of his huge bear hugs. But he was distant, isolated and wanted to be left alone. He said he's be up to bed "in a minute" but an hour went by. I asked him if he would be up soon and he said, "in just a few minutes after I finish playing my computer game." I dozed off and another hour and a half went by. By 2am, I thought he'd fallen asleep in the office. When I went in to see if he was OK, he snapped at me that he wasn't a child and didn't need to be looked after. I explained that I was just concerned about him and, based on his "just a few minutes" comment thought he'd be to bed sooner. I also said that after the evening we'd been through, I was just waiting for a minute with him and a hug. He snapped back, "So why are your needs more important than mine?" I said that they weren't -- I was just sharing with him. With that, I said goodnight and went back to bed upset. He finally came in around 2:30am, still angry and, I'm sure, exhausted.

He said that he was frustrated with our son situation last night and needed to be left alone to sort things out. I said I was fine with that but that he just needed to say so. He didn't respond.

Ugh. This co-existing thing is very tough right now. I want my compassionate husband back so badly...


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## Trakeveth (Aug 20, 2010)

Boy oh boy, can I put myself in your shoes. There have been a lot of nights like that around my house. I know it is nearly impossible, but try not to take it personally. Let him have the space he needs right now, even if it means you are deprived of what you need. Try to remember that you are on damage control right now. The less you say the better in those types of situations because you never know what is going to set him off - and what sets him off may have nothing to do with the situation at hand. He might be dealing with misplaced anger and resentment.


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## Hopeful1 (Aug 31, 2010)

"Misplaced anger and resentment" Amen, Trakeveth!

I went to my first solo counseling appt today with our marriage counselor. I told her about the event last night and she essentially said that same thing you did. Aside from misplaced anger and resentment, he's trying to be in total control after feeling out of control for some time now. So I'll do my best to give him that "control" feeling so that he can feel safe enough to eventually let his guard down. In the process, I'll just need to watch what I say -- especially when he's in his "solo zone" and particularly when it's late at night and we're both tired. In our years of marriage we've never gone to bed separately -- it's something that has always been important to us. But I'm going to have to put on my big girl panties and deal with some time by myself for a while until, hopefully, he'll come around. And, yes, even if it means being deprived of what I need right now. I know he's felt deprived for years, so it's my turn to deal with a bit of it in the hopes that my marriage will survive.

Thanks for your advice! It definitely helps to hear for reinforcement.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

Check what he is doing on the computer.


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## blueyes (Mar 25, 2010)

r u positive their is no one else, come on now and investigate, I'm sorry but there probably is.


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## blueyes (Mar 25, 2010)

why r u taking all the blame it takes 2 in a marriage, something seems fishy


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## TwyztedChyck (Sep 11, 2010)

I've always been of the mindset that it takes both parties to want to fix something and he doesn't seem as into it as you do. When we sense something slipping away, its natural to want to try to hold onto it even harder, but as painful as it can be, not every relationship is meant to be. Good, solid relationships are based on wanting the other person more than anything, both sides. I don't see that in him. Why put yourself through fighting for something even he isn't fighting for? I'd start backing off. If you love him then you would respect what he wants, and it seems like this is what he wants. 
There is someone for everyone. Yin has it's Yang, night has it's day, sky has it's ground, and man has his woman. If you are intently trying to make something work that is not flowing easily, you could miss out on something special waiting for you. Like the old Tanya Tucker song says, "If it don't come easy, ya' better let it go." (And he's not making it easy).
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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I think hopeful1 wants to put the effort into the relationship right now even though her husband isn't responding because she still loves him and just come to the realisation that her marriage and children should have come first in her life, not second to her job.

It is a normal reaction to his sort of resistance to think, 'he doesn't deserve the effort if he won't try too', however, that's a sure way to divorce, and if that's not what she wants, then that's a bad way to go. Becoming his doormat is also a bad way to go I think, as that's no way to win someone's heart either.


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## TwyztedChyck (Sep 11, 2010)

I think its beating a dead horse. It takes two, sucks but true. Why should you have to 'win someone's heart'? Shouldn't love be freely given? When both parties are trying and making an effort, by all means, give it all you got. But if his heart isn't in it, what's left to win in the first place?
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## Hopeful1 (Aug 31, 2010)

Breeze is correct. I started this mess with years of neglect, choosing my job over my husband and family. It's more complicated than that, and I know I've spent years ignoring him. Based on the other "it takes two" comments posted here, my husband should have rightfully left me years ago. But now that I've had life-changing experiences and have my priorities straight, I making our marriage my priority. He's having some trouble accepting that this isn't just a temporary action on my part and is worried to trust that it's permanent. For this reason, he's got his walls up and is very defensive. I understand this. It doesn't make it easy to repair the marriage, doesn't make it easy to be optimistic at times, but it's understandable. It's only been a month since our "blow out" so I know I have to give it some time. I'm trying to "help my husband" to lower his defenses and trust that my new-found commitment to our marriage is real. If it doesn't work, eventually, the marriage will be over. But I'm not quitting that easily -- he didn't quit on me.


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## TwyztedChyck (Sep 11, 2010)

I apologize. I thought the fact "he doesn't think he wants to be married anymore", his "not feeling it", his wanting to just "co-exist" and "be friends" and his "unwillingness to forgive me" and being "numb" to you WERE signs of him quitting (the marriage) on you. I stand corrected.
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## lovelieswithin (Apr 29, 2010)

Hopeful
Honestly I think he would have bounced out already if he was over you. You have to get off the man's ballz! I am guilty too. Yea men like to be nurtured but theres times when your good deeds could be seen as overbearing (buggin him about coming to bed). I know you need his love and his distance makes you want it even more... but you have to practice some self nurturing skills so you can give yourself the strength to give him distance. Thats the big kicker here and trust me BEEN THERE: you need his love & affection so badly its driving you a little kooky. He loves you but can't express it right now because he's caught up in his own misery and demons. Unlike women men seem to heal independently while wifeys tend to heal more codependently. 
Secondly, men find independence extremely attractive to a point (as you experienced when you were a workaholic). Now you are left with the task of figuring out how much self indepence is "ok" and how to entice his interest again at the same time. 
He sounds like he is being nasty - I believe thats a sign of depression and wo knows if ALL of it has to do with you. i dont get the vibe he is screwing around because he wouldnt be so nasty, just distant. 
Woman give yourself a BREAK! this has got to be taking a toll on you. Give yourself a healthy distraction like nights out with the girls or take up a new hobby or rec sport. Seek affection from others that can give you hugs and love like kids or family or even pets. I realize its not the same but it sure helps the soul. 
This is going to pass... do subtle kind gestures for him and wait quietly in the background. Only talk about your issues at counseling and try to live in peace at home in between sessions. Leave him cooked fav dinner in the fridge... find other ways to make his life easier that might help him through the healing process... at night no matter what he is doing- in a mellow tone tell him goodnight and i love you but head to bed. dig out some old pictures of you two doing memorable things and frame em up in the house as little reminders of the depths of your love together. Do tell him youre always there to listen and be sure he knows you are hopeful.
Just some suggestions but main advice I can offer is stay off his ballz but continue to be quietly nurturing. Dont stop taking care of yourself physically too most importantly.
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## lovelieswithin (Apr 29, 2010)

ps.. since someone brought up country... Patsy Cline "stand by your man"... =D hes been neglected for long and now he needs the spotlight a while. The less you put on him the more he will love ya. A little bum kissing never hurts anyone so bake those cookies and let him off home duties. Stroke his ego when given oppotunity to and watch your words very very closely the next few weeks. Avoid making him feel like youre in charge... he indeed needs some control. His nasty hopeless comments can easily be products of depression. Show him what life can be like rather than begging him to begin with you.
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## TwyztedChyck (Sep 11, 2010)

Like "Stand By Your Man" says, 'you'll have bad times and he'll have good times, doing things that you don't understand'. Nah, I've got alot of love to give to waste it on someone who doesn't even want it. But that's just me. God bless the 'never-say-die'-ers of the world, and (speaking of country music =D)' those who wait forever, for ships that don't come in'.
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## stumpjumper (Aug 30, 2010)

Hello again Hopeful1,

It deeply saddens me to see that you are dealing with the same dilemma as you were when last we spoke.

Life can sometimes seem very unfair for those with a true heart, and the efforts put forth to rekindle happier times.

Karma has a way of showing up at the least opportune time in our lives. I think it does that to show us its time to revisit our regrets and make them good again. It also reminds us that there is a price to pay, and we will pay it, when we neglect, or not prioritize, what is true in our hearts.

You have obviously fell victim to your own karma. For that, I am truly sorry. It might make you feel a little better knowing that karma has paid me so many visits in my life that he has his own house key.  What you must keep in the forefront of your thoughts, at all times, is that you are being given a chance to redeem yourself. Even if things don't work out between you and your husband in the short term, its the long term that is your goal.

Remember, there is no such thing as a sudden relationship crisis, outside of a death. It takes time to build up to this point. Unfortunately, more times than not, the solution also dwells in time, and patience is the price your karma is asking from you. So pay the price willingly, and you will achieve your long term goal.

There are very few natural laws that govern us spiritually, and Karma is one of the better known among them. Mostly negative karma, unfortunately, but there is a positive side to karma as well. I will try best I can to explain this positive side, and I will leave you to ponder it on your own. You must make your own choice as to which path you take, which comes from another natural law known as Free Will.

Here it goes,

*A Word Of Comfort​*
Hold your head up high, smile, and behold,
For all the people of the world,
Shall lead you up the path to eternal happiness,

For the key to happiness, is kindness,
So one who shows only kindness towards others,
Shall in turn receive kindness,
Therefore, that one shall be happy,
But one who shows only hatred and disrespect towards others,
Shall in turn receive hatred and disrespect,
Therefore, that one shall never see happiness,

So now let it be heard,
This path is open to both,
But yet, only to those who choose it.​
Hopeful1, ponder these words for a while, you may find them comforting in times of despair. Write them down, and you will come to realize that the choices we make in life may sometimes project onto others, but always reflect back on us.

Good Luck,

Chow for Now,
StumpJumper


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