# Emotiona affair: How do I know if my wife is really having one?



## alliistah (Oct 22, 2008)

*Emotional affair: How do I know if my wife is really having one?*

Hello, 

I wanted to ask the ladies of the group if they could help me understand if my wife is having an emotional affair with someone else online in a game.

If someone wants the history, my original thread with all the info is here: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...-says-i-m-not-love-you-she-wants-divorce.html

My wife and I play a game together a lot and she got very addicted to it. I know she does this because even with single player games she will get addicted to them because she has so much fun with them. I'm concered with this current game because it's very interactive and she gets a lot of attention from the guys online because she has a very likable personality. She says that she just likes playing and getting the attention in the game because she's been a stay at home Mom for the last 8 years and hasn't really had any social interaction with many people. She said she really likes some of the people she plays with and said she kind of has crushes on them but crushes can be ok, I guess those happen from time to time but it doesn't mean anything unless it's acted on. She stays up late a lot, from 11pm-2am often playing with this people/guys. She stayed up late a lot when she played the Xbox 360 game too when she played all by herself so that I guess is normal.

She still wants me to touch/hug/kiss her and all that and is still friendly to me and still wants to have date night every 2 weeks.

How can I tell if she is really having an emotional relationship with some of these people?

To me, this is killing me. I'm doing my best to not show my emotions - she already knows this bothers me as I've told her thats not right. This is so hard for me that I just wanted to see what other women thought. If I left out some details, please let know and I will reply back if anyone has any questions.

Thanks a bunch,

-Alli


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

i be honest, ive probably done no different to your wife and im not having n e emotional affairs. 
it sounds like you stil have fun together.

the net is fantasy. but your wifes boundaries are a little out of sorts.
she knows it bothers you. issue number 1
she stays up late . issue number 2.

my H had the same kinda issues as you, but he simply told me and i did something about it. it was respect.
sometimes we just forget what we do and until like in my situation , well i was gently brought back to our relationship again.
but im not that type of person to keep traits going and i like issues to be sorted out if and when they arise.


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## alliistah (Oct 22, 2008)

I just noticed that her 55 gallon fish tank is being completely neglected. The filter is not off, it's completely filled with green gobs of muck. I guess she turned it off and now the tank sits there with no filter, no air, nothing. It has about 14 fish in it and they're totally being neglected like everything else right now.

I understand her need to take time for herself but it has swung so far to the other side that it's not good. She was the one that gave gave gave all the time and wouldn't do anything for herself. She wouldn't shower because everyone else came first and she didn't take care of herself. Now she flipped and is pretty much only thinking about her and the other small things that she has commitments to like making lunches for the kids, taking them to school, helping out in the classroom and stuff. Other than those things, everything else is being ignored because she plays the game so much. :'-(

I think she is just getting it out of her system and will slowly come back. It's just so hurtful and I know what she went though before. I guess I just need to be the new me and be patient with her.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

i think you need to be the new you and put things into action.
such as asking her to respect herself.
sounds like she has let herself go, despite the computer.
i dont think ,there is being patient in situations like this, you need 
to re establish connection and say it how it is.


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## Ashley (Oct 21, 2008)

justean said:


> i be honest, ive probably done no different to your wife and im not having n e emotional affairs.
> it sounds like you stil have fun together.
> 
> the net is fantasy. but your wifes boundaries are a little out of sorts.
> ...


I like doing that too and i think that you did the rigth thing.
The internet is not a fantasy world, it is dellusioning oneself to beleive that.
It is real, it isnt a cybergame, but a meeting platform with real people on it. Saying its not real is lying to oneself.
It will be like saying that textmessaging on a phone or phone calls are not real but fantasy. They most certainly are not.
It is all real. All those interactions and feeling and emotions exchanged are for real.
Its like meeting out with friends and having a game, but if it goes over your relationship then you have to chose between how much time you want to spend with your friends and with your mate.
All psycholog agree on that one.
Those who seek escape form their life on the internet, have a problme home wiht their hubby or their wife... who need to be resolved first.
Something they are not satisfied about.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

*Re: Emotional affair: How do I know if my wife is really having one?*



alliistah said:


> She says that she just likes playing and getting the attention in the game because she's been a stay at home Mom for the last 8 years and hasn't really had any social interaction with many people.


You two need to go out more and do things with people together. Obviously its very important to her, so become part of it with her in a more positive way.

My H signed us up to take swing dancing lessons together. its at a club house where we dance with each other and other people. something to consider.



alliistah said:


> She said she really likes some of the people she plays with and said she kind of has crushes on them but crushes can be ok, I guess those happen from time to time but it doesn't mean anything unless it's acted on.


Today, i was making some spaghetti and the spaghetti caught on fire. I didnt stand there and think, oh its not hurting anything yet so i'll just leave it be. I put it out pronto. My point: Her saying she has a crush on these people is a HUGE warning flag for you. Dont shrug it off. If you dont put out her 'crush' your marriage will go up in flames. When she says that, take it seriously. ask her what they are giving her that you arent. and start giving it to her.



alliistah said:


> How can I tell if she is really having an emotional relationship with some of these people?


She is. She's already told you she has a crush on them. i dont think it gets anymore clear.



alliistah said:


> she already knows this bothers me as I've told her thats not right.


Well, telling her its not right is like telling her not to meet her needs. That never goes over well. Instead, tell her you realize how important this is to her and how much its helping her, but you feel its hurting the marriage. let her know you want to be the one to be there for her, and work on meeting her needs together. Ask her how its helping her and come to some compromise on things you can do together to meet her needs.


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## alliistah (Oct 22, 2008)

If I tell her anything around the idea of doing something "for her" she gets all pissed off and bent out of shape. She wants me to do everything for me. She wants me to concentrate on myself and do nothing for her. She wants to see me just do things around the house and for the kids, etc. Again, do nothing for her. I don't get it. Oh, and she wants me to be happy. lol "Please be happy thats what I want for you, but just know I'm nearly on the way out. Oh, and I like spending a lot of time with other men in a game on the internet kk thx." She didn't say that, but thats what I feel like she's saying to me. It's like she has handcuffs on me and I can't say or do anything for her or it will push her farther away. She doesn't want to "talk" anymore about it either.

My gosh this is frustrating. I feel completely helpless at this point with my heart being ripped from my chest on a daily basis.


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## Ashley (Oct 21, 2008)

*Re: Emotional affair: How do I know if my wife is really having one?*



alliistah said:


> Hello,
> 
> I wanted to ask the ladies of the group if they could help me understand if my wife is having an emotional affair with someone else online in a game.
> 
> ...


If she says that she has a cruch on them then she has a crush on them, and it means that she is very emotionaly involved with them.
If your wife was going out wiht male friends that she barely knew, and was to do so every single evening, and then was to tell you she had a crush on some of them, how would you see it?

Too many people still keep believeing the myth that onlines games and chats, and online relationships, are just mental or just an illusion, but they are not.
More and more people meet online and get married and have the most solid relationship compare with others.
So it talk agaisnt the illusion thing.
Also, many poeople work far away and have only the online connection to can be in touch with their wife and family, and no its not an illusion..they are real people, on both sides, and the marriage is real too..

Having a crush on someone is emotional.
She is emotionaly involved and need to become aware of it.
It seems to me that you both have little interest in outside activities and things you could do together beside computers activities.
It is going to take a serious effort on your wife to cut the addiction, because it is an addiction, I have seen it on many people and they simply become hooked on forums and have to ask for someone to close their account for them, there, to be able to quit! 

There is many articles written by professionals on this subject, and i have also seen forum with special theread about how to quit this addiction with many witnesses of people having a serious problem with it and who had lost their job because of it, or had seriously damaged their relationships.

Some just like the feeling of being desired and to feel more selfsure and happy about themselves but some also take it a higher level and begin to compare with the hubby or wife beside them, and to enjoy better being online and having fun with someone else, than taking up whats wrong at home..

Her being online also deprive you from the social and intimate contacts with you, put you on second place, and reduce it to twice every 2 weeks. Thats too little.
She is spending more time with her crushes than with her husband..
It will only become worse with time, if you do not stop it by talking to her and by contacting the other guys and asking them to help her in this.
First of all she will have to become aware of the problem and aware of her dependency and to dont reduce it into being "only" a small thing, as i am sure she is doing, and defending herself with.

You can work it out with her, by asking her to quit it for a week or 2.
If she feels unable to do so, and feel the urge to be online, like an urge to drink for an alcoholic or an urge to take the next shot, for a drug addict, then confront her with the fact that she is addicted to it.
Most forum and online addicted people will go online and become more an dmore hooked on it by the hour and even unable to stop the computer till they drop on the keyboard.
it can also only happen by interval.
And the rest of the time be online as much as they can, as soon as they have some free time, to keep up the kind of interactions they are having there.
Some found it accilarating and cant stop. 
Considering real life as the illusion, and a very disturbing and interfering one.. with their good and funny life online!

Ask her what you could do to help her coming out of it.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

alliistah said:


> If I tell her anything around the idea of doing something "for her" she gets all pissed off and bent out of shape. She wants me to do everything for me. She wants me to concentrate on myself and do nothing for her


Well, you'll have to decide if you are doing it for her, or if you're doing it for you. If you are doing it just for her, then ya, back off and do your own thing. but if you're doing it for you, then let her know that. whenever she says, 'dont do it for me.' just say 'im not.' 

Basically, what she's saying is she only wants to be accountable for herself and she doesnt want to feel quilty if you do things 'for her.' she wants you to live by her rules so she doesnt feel guilty or pressured anymore. she's emotionally overwhelmed and wants to feel good again.


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## Ashley (Oct 21, 2008)

alliistah said:


> I just noticed that her 55 gallon fish tank is being completely neglected. The filter is not off, it's completely filled with green gobs of muck. I guess she turned it off and now the tank sits there with no filter, no air, nothing. It has about 14 fish in it and they're totally being neglected like everything else right now.
> 
> I understand her need to take time for herself but it has swung so far to the other side that it's not good. She was the one that gave gave gave all the time and wouldn't do anything for herself. She wouldn't shower because everyone else came first and she didn't take care of herself. Now she flipped and is pretty much only thinking about her and the other small things that she has commitments to like making lunches for the kids, taking them to school, helping out in the classroom and stuff. Other than those things, everything else is being ignored because she plays the game so much. :'-(
> 
> I think she is just getting it out of her system and will slowly come back. It's just so hurtful and I know what she went though before. I guess I just need to be the new me and be patient with her.


hmm you sounds like she had too little before and now is taking revenge on it.
then its only good.
and taking care of the kids, making their lunches and taking them to school and picking them up and doing school activities, are NOT little things, mister.. men who do that are proud like a pope, and brag out with how much they do at home..and will consider it as being a very big thing to do to help their wife, and for them a sign that they are not selfish at all but very generous with their time and a real family man.. so take a distance on that too. 

Sounds like she is using the computer as selftherapy. having some extre ME TIME.

if she didnt even had time to shower before, then you must have neglected her a lot, and not been there to help doing the cores at all.
She was invisible to you, and now you know how it fees to be invisble to the other one..

About the fish tank, you are getting me upset, would you please give those fish oxygen and food and clean the water tank? 
Do it for the fish, its not their fault that there is problems.. they didnt ask to be brought there in the first place.. 

You need to talk together and to say sorry..


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## Ashley (Oct 21, 2008)

alliistah said:


> If I tell her anything around the idea of doing something "for her" she gets all pissed off and bent out of shape. She wants me to do everything for me. She wants me to concentrate on myself and do nothing for her. She wants to see me just do things around the house and for the kids, etc. Again, do nothing for her. I don't get it. Oh, and she wants me to be happy. lol "Please be happy thats what I want for you, but just know I'm nearly on the way out. Oh, and I like spending a lot of time with other men in a game on the internet kk thx." She didn't say that, but thats what I feel like she's saying to me. It's like she has handcuffs on me and I can't say or do anything for her or it will push her farther away. She doesn't want to "talk" anymore about it either.
> 
> My gosh this is frustrating. I feel completely helpless at this point with my heart being ripped from my chest on a daily basis.


My advice to you:
hang on there and bide your time.
Tell her exactly what you told us above, and that it is how it makes you feel like.
But give it another week.
Dont ask, dont insist, do as if nothing, and wait.
just 7-10 days.
try not to be bothered, try to bide your time for a few days more, and see what will happen.
You can always cut the internet connection, thats so easy..
After a week shedule a meeting with her to talk things together and to found a compromise.
Ask her then to explain what she mean by being on her way out.

Maybe she means she is tired of you but isnt expressing about what.
If you know what "this" is, then correct it now.


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## alliistah (Oct 22, 2008)

I've said sorry a thousand times and I think she wants to just see me take action. I am taking action and will continue it from here on out.

I don't think those things are little. I appreciate all the work she does with the kids, it's just that there is no other time outside of the game and I feel it is getting in the way of our marriage, just like when I was addicted to the computer/internet/gaming. I feel like she is taking revenge on me. You said that is a good thing? How is that good?


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## Ashley (Oct 21, 2008)

I agree with ljtsend, a crush is a crush and a huge warning flag, that you didnt reacted as you should have to it, might be the reason why she is mad at you.

you have to be more attentive to what is going on.
You are missing the point big time here...


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## Ashley (Oct 21, 2008)

alliistah said:


> I've said sorry a thousand times and I think she wants to just see me take action. I am taking action and will continue it from here on out.
> 
> I don't think those things are little. I appreciate all the work she does with the kids, it's just that there is no other time outside of the game and I feel it is getting in the way of our marriage, just like when I was addicted to the computer/internet/gaming. I feel like she is taking revenge on me. You said that is a good thing? How is that good?


what did you used to do with her before this happened?

Did you took her to concerts? to the museum,? to sports events? to disco? did you went out with friends? did you organised parties? did you do things outside? did you took her for a walk at the beach or on the country side? did you made plans for things to do together? 

Do you have one or more hobbies together? Do you know what she likes? Does she have friends outside? if not why? cause she was too busy doing things for you and the kids to have time to make friends?

Then you know what is wrong dont you?
Thats what you have to change and you have to organise things and make invitations and fond something oyu could do together as acitvity outside the house, and give her the habit agian to be OUT.
You are the one who made her addicted at computer games cause it was so much easier for you to just play games home when you were free, than trying to found things more exciting and more rewarding for her to do, and now you pay the price..

when she tells you " dont do anything for me!" she is cynical.
meaning you never did anyway.. thats why.

8 years now.. she is bitter..

She needs to meet people and make friends outside and have more interactiosn than just school things, and be with others outside the 4 walls.
take her for a week vacation somewhere and get it all solved that way, or a 3 weeks cruise aroudn the world.

Did you ever do that for her and with her before?


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

Ashley said:


> I like doing that too and i think that you did the rigth thing.
> The internet is not a fantasy world, it is dellusioning oneself to beleive that.
> It is real, it isnt a cybergame, but a meeting platform with real people on it. Saying its not real is lying to oneself.
> It will be like saying that textmessaging on a phone or phone calls are not real but fantasy. They most certainly are not.
> ...


:iagree:
my comment about the net being fantasy was meant in a different way. i should have said the fantasy comes from the net . but i really do agree with what you said. yes it is very real.


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## Ashley (Oct 21, 2008)

Sometimes too real I will say! LOL

Going over other things in life we should do, like home cores waiting for us to be done.. and they cant be managed in one clic! :rofl:

In fact when you fall in love for someone on the internet, or create real bonds of friendship, those are stronger than if it was outside, cause on the internet you cannot say its because of the look, or the persons incomes, or status, or his parfume or the way he or she dress, but really because your personalities just adds up together. It gives some problems too, but it pretty much filter out many other things that you usualy have to go through, and many barrieres too.

Those who go on the net for the fantasy and escaping reality will use games likemy world or the one where you can buy house and you work an dthere is banks and shops and you have a body that you can dress up and you marry online, not for real.
I read yesterday of a japaneese woman that "killed" her cyber husband on the internet and was put in jail (for real) LOL :rofl:
Oh she killed him by using info about him and accessing his acccount and destroying it.. Nobody died.. So she face havign to do time for internet criminality as accessing someoens computer is not taken lightly in Japan.
Even in the most fantasy game things can take over and become very real.
Why she did that? a very funny thing realy, he divorced her online without telling her first, when she log in again, she saw she was divorced and get very mad at him. :rofl:

I was invited a few times by friends to join in that game I dont remeber the name and i went to have a look at it and i declined. Its really not my style, and i found it very uninteresting and too faulse.

All that said, both online and outside, you still have to watch out for people lying about themselves, or being faulse in other ways, or not so good friends after all.

People are people, and here the anonymity of the internet can fool you more than in real life!  I have seen a few.


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## alliistah (Oct 22, 2008)

We have done one cruise since we've been married. It's hard when I support all of us on one income. We have to watch our spending and for the last number of months I have planned events for the whole family and for just her and I. I've done a good job at this. I started this a while back before this whole blowup started.

I just hope that she sees that I have really changed forever this time and not just a few weeks. If she let down her guard I would continue to do the things that I'm doing. This is what is making me happy these days knowing that I'm doing what a good father and husband does for the family. I didn't have a father to show me a good example so I'm doing what I want to do that would make me feel good about doing it for someone else without wanting something in return.

I just hope that the affection she is showing me isn't just to "tide me over" or anything - to keep things as normal until she is ready to leave. That would be cruel to me giving me false hope that she still has feelings for me. If she doesn't have feelings for me and they really are still completely dead I wish she would just let me go. I am a human dispite what I have done.


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## *Aceso* (Oct 25, 2008)

Ashley said:


> what did you used to do with her before this happened?
> 
> Did you took her to concerts? to the museum,? to sports events? to disco? did you went out with friends? did you organised parties? did you do things outside? did you took her for a walk at the beach or on the country side? did you made plans for things to do together?
> 
> ...


AMEN!!!:iagree:


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