# How do you feel about keeping things from your spouse?



## [email protected] (Jul 13, 2012)

In this case, it doesn't involve either of us. It will not have any affect on our marriage, but at times I feel conflicted and want to tell her.

I'm just wondering (regardless of the topic/issue) if you feel okay keeping things from your spouse?


----------



## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

I share everything with my wife as does she communication is very important to a healthy marriage i feel


----------



## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

I used to keep silly things from him. Since his A and our R we share everything.
We now have complete transparency and we share everything!
Secrecy and non communication almost destroyed my marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

If you feel conflicted, you want her advice or opinion and should share it with your wife.

There are very few secrets that shouldn't be shared.


----------



## Airbus (Feb 8, 2012)

Only surprises (the good kind) should be kept from your spouse. Anything more is just looking for disaster.


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I don't want to keep anything from my spouse. In fact, I need to have a nice talk with him tonight.


----------



## [email protected] (Jul 13, 2012)

yeah I had a hard enough time keeping the surprise of our engagement from her (ie. hiding the ring, etc), that was 6 years ago. this will have to wait a few days.

on a seperate issue though - i'm looking at my cell phone bill from past months and I only see Voice calls and not text messages. I can lookup Current Usage of text messages though.

For those that have concerns for your marriage, how do you go back and find phone numbers texted?


----------



## rj700 (Jun 22, 2012)

Depends on what "things". Some people say they share everything - I can't see how that is possible. When you get home from work, do you go through your day, blow-by-blow? A friend of yours calls you and you talk sports, do you share that with your spouse? My sister calls and goes on & on about the cute things her grandson did today - am I supposed to tell her all about that?

Nobody shares EVERYTHING!!! If it is something about your marriage or has an impact on your/her life, Ok. But you still have to make judgement calls about what is important and what is relevant. Wrecked the car, that's an easy one. Your friend called and said he's thinking about divorce - not so sure that's something to share. Lent a co-worker 20 bucks - not important.


----------



## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Not everything is everyones business. There are things that my friends may confide in me about, I would never betray their trust and tell my spouse.

If it was an issue that concerned me and him directly I would discuss it but as per the OP if it had no impact on us then no, I would not tell him.

I also have no issue with him not telling me things that have no bearing on me or us as a couple.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Am TOTALLY in agreement with Holland on this one.

Part of being an adult is realizing that NOT EVERYTHING is about YOU or is YOUR BUSINESS. Also part of being an adult is realizing that if you don't TRUST your PARTNER, you don't have much.

A friend of mine has had nervous breakdowns in the past and been hospitalized. NEVER told my STBXH as it was NEVER his business and was never *MY* story to tell.

Ditto for siblings/friends who've had abortions, affairs, a wandering eye. These things are NOT my spouse's business. And they are not *MY* story to tell others. If I feel uncomfortable hanging out with these people because I no longer feel we share a common outlook on life, then I will quit associating with them because *I* no longer care to (for whatever my reasoning). But, even then, I would never tell my spouse/SO what was told to me in confidence.

This goes for all matters (and only those matters) that have NO BEARING on my relationship with spouse/SO. [Note: Just because a friend has an affair does NOT mean I'm going to become more susceptible to one. Therefore, it is NOT my spouse/SO's business.]


----------



## Jane_Doe (Aug 9, 2012)

I've always figured, anything you tell me, you're telling my husband too. He's my best friend, the one who will gossip with me, who'll stew things over with me, who'll put things in perspective with me. One of my friends knows this, and so limits what she tells me because she doesn't know/trust my husband in the same way I do. Which is fine by me. I'd rather have her withhold personal stuff from me than me withholding anything from my husband.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *SlowlyGettingWiser said:*
> 
> Part of being an adult is realizing that NOT EVERYTHING is about YOU or is YOUR BUSINESS. Also part of being an adult is realizing that if you don't TRUST your PARTNER, you don't have much.
> 
> ...


 I don't view this the same at all... It's funny how different people are and their outlooks...I suppose some of this has to do with upbringing, and our personal experiences - being burned with a BF/GF/ spouse who abused the situation or watched others go down that path. 

It is good when a couple is on the same page in these things..... I surely don't feel I nor my husband lacks *trust*, feels everything is about US, or that we are less than adults ... because we *DO* share all things. I also don't take the attitude that "it's none of his business", nor would he even utter such a thing about me...being his other half. 

When a spouse genuinely wants/prefers/ even enjoys sharing all things with the other.....I see this as something beautiful, something honorable even....nothing remotely related to immaturity or ego. 

It IS vitally important however ... that such a spouse holds these things in the strictest of confidence....they are understanding individuals, not criticizing judgers who look down on others for their weaknesses, lowest gutters of life. 

It is our RULE in our marriage - that what is shared between us, stays with ONLY US. As it should be...most especially about a friend who shared something very sensitive in confidence, I don't take that lightly... neither does my husband. 

All of my Girlfriends know I share *all* with my husband, and they are fine with this....the last one, who opened up to me, wanted me to get HIS advice on her current relationship dilemma - wanting me to call her later with his thoughts! My husband is well respected and none of my husband's friends would have qualms with him sharing stuff with me either, they know how understanding I am - heck, some of them call me for advice >> he hands them the phone!!


----------



## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Jane_Doe said:


> I've always figured, anything you tell me, you're telling my husband too. He's my best friend, the one who will gossip with me, who'll stew things over with me, who'll put things in perspective with me. One of my friends knows this, and so limits what she tells me because she doesn't know/trust my husband in the same way I do. Which is fine by me. I'd rather have her withhold personal stuff from me than me withholding anything from my husband.


Ok no disrespect I acknowledge what you are saying but here is an example of what I mean but not telling my SO everything.

My best friend has had some really difficult times in her past including abuse and a partner that forced her to sell herself sexually. This was many years ago.
She is my soul sister and we were friends well before I met SO. I would never disclose this part of her life to SO or anyone.

I value her friendship highly, in fact as much as a sister. If I told him it could well colour his view of her which is unfair to all.

I also value the fact that we have such a good friendship that she feels safe enough to share her life with me and visa versa.

There are just some things that are no ones business and as the pp said they are not part of my story and not my property to share. To do so would be a betrayal.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

In general I do not hav secrets from my wife. There are business confidences that I have to keep but she would not be interested in them anyway.

We have been narried for many years and nothing has yet come up that I would need to keep s ecret form her like what is mentioned above.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> All of my Girlfriends know I share all with my husband, and they are fine with this


Which is as it should be!



> It IS vitally important however ... that such a spouse holds these things in the strictest of confidence....they are understanding individuals, not criticizing judgers





> what is shared between us, stays with ONLY US


I totally get your pov; with rules such as these, I'm sure it works out well for you.


> When a spouse genuinely wants/prefers/ even enjoys sharing all things with the other.....I see this as something beautiful, something honorable even


This is just not something that I would be interested in. I am firmly in Holland's camp on this one; I guess at my age I've just met a LOT MORE PEOPLE WITH A LOT MORE TO LOSE by careless slips of the tongue. And I realize how EASY it is for someone's opinion to be colored by circumstances/information from long ago.

I shall cheerfully agree that we can both respectfully choose opposite behaviors (I don't DISAGREE with you, it's just NOT FOR ME) and still be wonderful supportive friends to others!


----------



## jfv (May 29, 2012)

I think when married, you should share as much as you possibly can. Even when it doesn't involve them or you. I don't think the secrecy muscle should be excercised too much with your partner. It might make it easier to omit things that do matter.


----------



## Omgitsjoe (Oct 1, 2012)

My wife is my best friend and i am hers ....... if there's anything we're keeping from one another then it's probably not good and shouldn't had been done ! 

That saying " what he/she doesnt know wont hurt " doesnt work because sooner or later he/she will  ??


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

In_The_Wind said:


> I share everything with my wife as does she communication is very important to a healthy marriage i feel


Sorry, I don't believe this. No one can share everything or nothing for that matter.


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

[email protected] said:


> yeah I had a hard enough time keeping the surprise of our engagement from her (ie. hiding the ring, etc), that was 6 years ago. this will have to wait a few days.
> 
> on a seperate issue though - i'm looking at my cell phone bill from past months and I only see Voice calls and not text messages. I can lookup Current Usage of text messages though.
> 
> For those that have concerns for your marriage, how do you go back and find phone numbers texted?


If the bill is in your name, you can go onto your phone carrier's website and find those numbers. You can't see the messages, but the numbers will be there with the date/time, etc.


----------



## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

I think it depends on whether it is an intentional secret, or just something you naturally don't feel like sharing, if that makes any sense. I think everybody needs a little natural space. 

Personally, I'm not a huge talker anyway, so there were things in my marriage that didn't get told, but it wasn't a secret. For example, I know some people are big on talking about their work day with their spouse. I was not. Talking about my work is one of the most boring things on the planet to me. The last thing i wanted to do was go to work, and then relive my day through a lengthy conversation about it.


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> Sorry, I don't believe this. No one can share everything or nothing for that matter.


You don't have to believe it. It doesn't work for you, so be it. But it does in ITW's marriage and it does in mine. I did the "keeping things secret from the spouse" thing before. No thanks. More trouble than it is worth. If people don't want my husband to know something, then they shouldn't be telling me. My sister told me something in confidence. She knew that my husband would know about it because she and I think alike on those things: if you tell me, you are telling my spouse...and vice versa. And yes, it was a touchy subject. And yes, my husband gave her advice through me. I told her the advice came from him and she was appreciative.

Hey, just because it doesn't work for one, doesn't mean it is wrong for others. Like I said...if you don't want my husband to know something, don't tell me.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *Southbound said: *Personally, I'm not a huge talker anyway, so there were things in my marriage that didn't get told, but it wasn't a secret. For example, I know some people are big on talking about their work day with their spouse. I was not. Talking about my work is one of the most boring things on the planet to me. The last thing i wanted to do was go to work, and then relive my day through a lengthy conversation about it.


Ok Southbound....WHY does people assume this ..... that if one mentions their work day that is needs to be lengthy... UNTRUTH .....1st of all, my husband is also NOT a big talker.. let me tell you... this can = boringness in itself if he never mentioned the FUNNY things that happen at work.. Really... that gives us some of the greatest laughter !!







I've rolled for 5 minutes , even the kids getting involved over some of his stories...

They should make a darn sitcom with his BOSS, the man had to go to Anger management twice since he's been there. It is even a "release" for him- to share with me, his bad days (not many though, as he is more the Peace maker there)- where everyone else is at each other's throats. 

Seriously... A man needs to communicate with his wife... and share stuff... If my husband clammed up here -being the natural born quiet introvert he is ...all hours of the day....in my presence....I would have grown RESTLESS a long long time ago. And been thirsty for communication elsewhere. Frankly, he still could talk more! 

Thank GOD he enjoys sharing the Juicy, the funny, the crazy, the irritating moments at work. LOVE it - it is more eventful than my day staying at home. Such a conversation may only last 1 minute of his sharing ...then we'll build on it - it can lead to another subject. Neither of us are obsessive talkers, not even me, believe it or not. I want some "give & take" though.

I have girlfriends who seem to get off on sharing every living detail of the most mundane, God help me if I ask them what they did that day....I might hear how she moved her entire living room, where every chair now sits, how she wants to decorate another room...Gets to the point, you have to put them on speaker phone for your sanity....& just go about your business....a little "Aha" here , "yeah" there...and she keeps going ...and going...

My husband would run from me if I was like that, or fall asleep anyway.


----------



## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

I have to admit, I don't share a lot of things with my wife. Not because I want to hide stuff, but because it is just too hard to talk with her. If I start a subject, she will start talking. It will be either an attempt to one-up what I'm saying or it could be a different subject all together. It just isn't worth the effort.


----------



## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

My father in law once confided in me that his long time girlfriend had cancer. He didn't want his daughter to know and asked me not to say anything cause she just lost her step father and grand mother weeks apart from another. I honored his request for years.
I don't feel bad about it. If someone says please keep this between us I honor it. A friend of 32 years told me another friend of ours has HIV. Not to say anything. This is this first place I ever mentioned it. I was in the military the saying is true loose lips sink ships. 
I tell my wife everything that I would want to know.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *richie33 said* : My father in law once confided in me that his long time girlfriend had cancer. He didn't want his daughter to know and asked me not to say anything cause she just lost her step father and grand mother weeks apart from another. I honored his request for years.


 This is a highly special circumstance to NOT hurt someone who is vulnerable (and just happens to be your wife)... most of the examples in this thread are outside of this very unique situation... Not all scenarios are created equal, life is full of greys, our







intentions do count for something. 



> *dormant said:* I have to admit, I don't share a lot of things with my wife. Not because I want to hide stuff, *but because it is just too hard to talk with her*. If I start a subject, she will start talking. It will be either an attempt to one-up what I'm saying or it could be a different subject all together. It just isn't worth the effort.


 When I read some of the reasons people Don't share ...of course it makes sense to me, not every spouse is a JOY to bounce things off of...people who never learned the GIFT of LISTENING ....but immediately brush the other off & jump in changing the subject is ....well....RUDE.....that is a shame..... 

It amazes me how some don't see how they "come off" to others around them, how their own actions destroys communication. If others did that to them, I bet they would recognize it real fast.


----------



## StoneAngel (Oct 10, 2012)

*Ok no disrespect I acknowledge what you are saying but here is an example of what I mean but not telling my SO everything.

My best friend has had some really difficult times in her past including abuse and a partner that forced her to sell herself sexually. This was many years ago.
She is my soul sister and we were friends well before I met SO. I would never disclose this part of her life to SO or anyone*

Sorry folks I am new to this and not really sure how to quote Holland's post.... (techy help appreciated)

Holland you use a great example, but to play devil's advocate I have an example from the other side of this very same coin! My best friend is a beautiful, charming, supportive, loving, person. I need her in my life. She helps me be a better me. In the case of my BFF, she is the victim of child sex abuse that went on for many yrs...to a degree of violence that still blows my mind! Inspite of it she is a pretty well put together human being, however, to this day she still engages in some pretty risky behaviours, attention seeks at times, likes to shock people sometimes and with the people closest to her, has some pretty hard set boundaries. To an on-looker these boundaries may seem unreasonable. Understandable if you know her history! Would I share her story with any common person or boyfriend? Never. Sharing it with my husband was a necessity. YES, my BFF's history is her own business, and she doesn't have to explain to anyone why she does what she does. Her risky conduct is very separate from my relationship with her. She has never disrespected my husband or our marriage, but for my husband some of her behaviour sent off red flags. If I were to have followed the advice on this thread...my husband should be adult enough to realize that not everything is his business, but the fact of the matter is he had concerns! Unwarranted concerns. I could have disregarded those concerns and disrespected him, but that is not very loving. So my H knows enough that his anxieties are no longer there. He knows enough so that he is no longer judgemental and he knows enough that he has developed a respect for my BFF that otherwise would never have existed.
We keep a variety of people in our lives, for a variety of different reasons. Sharing the circumstances of one's friendships, and your personal opinions of events pertaining to those friends with your spouse, helps define for your spouse #1 Who is in your inner circle and why. #2 the sacrifices you are willing to make. #3 your priorities. #4 your disappointments and how you resolve those feelings. #5 how healthy your relationships are.


----------



## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

StoneAngel...

I disagree. How do you think you BFF would feel about you sharing things she told you in confidence? Unless she gave you permission before hand, I doubt she would approve.


----------



## StoneAngel (Oct 10, 2012)

Dormant....

She does know and I do know how she feels about it. Of all people, she is well aware of what secrets can do to relationships! It was family secrets that left her unprotected and threaten for much of her childhood. She has openly expressed that she would never want to be the reason for secrets between my husband and myself and that it would never be an appropriate thing for her to ask of me. So she does approve. She can say this with comfort because she knows our connection runs deep. She has faith that my telling of her history would never be at her expense. As I stated earlier all relationships are not on this level. If I was using her past and history as a way to gossip about her that is a different story all together. Her history is not something I have ever shared with friends or boyfriends. This was shared with the person I trust with my life, my Husband. At a time that made sense to share it. It was tactfully done. Specific details were avoided and should have been and in turn my spouse treated that information with honour and integrity (and so he should have if he values me) If my spouse were lacking in these qualities I would not have told him and more to the point I probably would not be married to him. 
There was a time during her recovery that she asked me to be part of a support network with group therapy. This required time away from home and my husband. I could have just said I was having dinner that evening with my BFF. I could have lied to protect her confidence, but I believe my H had the right to know that I was heavily invested in this process. He had the right to discover that I was willing to give of myself for someone I care about. He should have been given the opportunity to be proud of me and to support and be proud of her.


----------



## Desperate_Housewife (Oct 15, 2012)

southbound said:


> I think it depends on whether it is an intentional secret, or just something you naturally don't feel like sharing, if that makes any sense. I think everybody needs a little natural space.


:iagree:


----------



## Desperate_Housewife (Oct 15, 2012)

Who says I need to tell my husband EVERYTHING? He's on a need to know basis as far as I'm concerned. Of course, I tell him the important stuff that is relevant or concerns him. But I'm not going make a point to make sure my husband knows every single thing I do or think or feel each day. That would be exhausting, imo. If it comes up and I feel inclined to talk about it then I will; otherwise, life goes on.

Besides... I like being mysterious 

On the other hand, I wish the Mr. wouldn't share so much about his day with me. His work is B-O-R-I-N-G (even he agrees). But I'm a good wifey, so I listen and nod my head a lot when he talks. Same goes for his hobbies.


----------



## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

StoneAngel said:


> *
> 
> Holland you use a great example, but to play devil's advocate I have an example from the other side of this very same coin! My best friend is a beautiful, charming, supportive, loving, person. I need her in my life. She helps me be a better me. In the case of my BFF, she is the victim of child sex abuse that went on for many yrs...to a degree of violence that still blows my mind! Inspite of it she is a pretty well put together human being, however, to this day she still engages in some pretty risky behaviours, attention seeks at times, likes to shock people sometimes and with the people closest to her, has some pretty hard set boundaries. To an on-looker these boundaries may seem unreasonable. Understandable if you know her history! Would I share her story with any common person or boyfriend? Never. Sharing it with my husband was a necessity. YES, my BFF's history is her own business, and she doesn't have to explain to anyone why she does what she does. Her risky conduct is very separate from my relationship with her. She has never disrespected my husband or our marriage, but for my husband some of her behaviour sent off red flags. If I were to have followed the advice on this thread...my husband should be adult enough to realize that not everything is his business, but the fact of the matter is he had concerns! Unwarranted concerns. I could have disregarded those concerns and disrespected him, but that is not very loving. So my H knows enough that his anxieties are no longer there. He knows enough so that he is no longer judgemental and he knows enough that he has developed a respect for my BFF that otherwise would never have existed.
> *


*

SA I don't think there are any hard and fast rules and particularly when it comes to big issues like you are talking about. There is also a difference between telling enough info for a spouse to understand a situation and revealing all the gory details, that is a line we need to draw ourselves and with permission of the owner of the story.

There are things I have told my SO about that pertain to my life before I met him but the details are on a "needs to know" basis.

But if someone told me something that was prefaced with asking me to keep it totally confidential, then I would do that.*


----------



## frozen (Mar 5, 2012)

Holland said:


> Ok no disrespect I acknowledge what you are saying but here is an example of what I mean but not telling my SO everything.
> 
> My best friend has had some really difficult times in her past including abuse and a partner that forced her to sell herself sexually. This was many years ago.
> She is my soul sister and we were friends well before I met SO. I would never disclose this part of her life to SO or anyone.
> ...


I understand you have a long and special relationship with your friend which includes the sharing of some extremely personal and sensitive information about the OP. I am sure that you were a great friend to them over the years and that is why they brought you into their confidence and shared such intimate details of their personal history.

I think that you may have very valid reasons for witholding the personal story of your friend from your SO. I think I understand that you were making a point that sometimes there are things that should not be shared because they would be a betrayal of trust. But also you mentioned that you were afraid to have opinion the SO has of the friend to be unfairly colored in a way that would hurt your ability to maintain your long standing friendship.

I would like you to consider that while what you say may be true on both counts, you do not futher the arguement for witholding some things from your spouse. 

No matter how personal the matter is to your friend, there is no moral imperative for you to believe that under all circumstances this information must be protected by you such that you cannot tell another human being what you know. For example if you believed your friend was about to presently harm herself or another due to her past injury you may feel obligated to tell law enforcement or another 3rd party what you know to induce them to take action to protect the health and welfare of another. In fact, if you did not act you would feel culpability for allowing a harm to occur which may have been prevented. Betrayal of trust only holds up so long as it does not serve to hurt another.

Your friendship and integrity is not measureable by the mere fact you kept a secret no matter what. But the keeping of this secret is a form of deception you are perpetrating upon your SO to maintain your status quo. You are worried that with the knowledge of the past injuries, your SO will have a different opinion about your friend and her relationship with you. You believe that the facts of the friend's life are not your SO's business.

You are correct in believing your SO will change what she thinks of your friend. Unfortunately, you cannot use "betrayal of trust" as an excuse not to share this information with the person whom you have chosen to be most intimate with. You are manipulating your SO by not allowing her to understand the depth of the relationship you have with your friend, and why you feel so strongly protective of her. From an intimacy perspective, you cannot pick and choose what to tell your SO so that you can shape their opinion. It may be extremely difficult to reveal a lie once it has grown and become the foundation for a total misconception about your friend. Your SO may have had a problem with you remaining close with this friend, but the way to have tried would have been to tell the truth and prove that the friendship is worth it. It seems more like you are advocating for protecting a friendship above what may be troubling to your SO. You lose something precious in the relationship with your SO when you take away their free choice as well as the insight they may gain about you. 

I understand there is the fear by some that your wife might then tell others and so on. But that would reveal a problem in the relationship that is being avoided. But even then your wife should not be fully required to never tell anyone. She needs to show good judgement and be allowed to talk with a counselor or even a trusted family member if it so troubling. 

The most important thing is the marriage/relationship between two intimate people. I know it comes across as if I am telling you that I know what is good for your marriage. In fact, I don't know that but I do believe you are looking for a moral justification for lying to your SO. Please consider that these particular justifications are not imperatives, they are simply choices which show you value your frienship with your old friend above the one you maintain with you spouse.


----------



## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Desperate_Housewife said:


> Who says I need to tell my husband EVERYTHING? He's on a need to know basis as far as I'm concerned. Of course, I tell him the important stuff that is relevant or concerns him. But I'm not going make a point to make sure my husband knows every single thing I do or think or feel each day. That would be exhausting, imo. If it comes up and I feel inclined to talk about it then I will; otherwise, life goes on.
> 
> Besides... I like being mysterious
> 
> On the other hand, I wish the Mr. wouldn't share so much about his day with me. His work is B-O-R-I-N-G (even he agrees). But I'm a good wifey, so I listen and nod my head a lot when he talks. Same goes for his hobbies.


That sounds exactly like me. I'm just not a huge conversationalist and i don't have a burning desire to share every moment of my life with somebody in a conversation. You're right, I would find that exhausting! I don't think i had anything that was a 'secret," but a lot of stuff just didn't come up. I just wasn't the type to come in with, "Hey, the funniest thing happened to me at the Minit Mart; there was a guy buying some chips and.........":sleeping:
And talking about jobs puts me to sleep. I've noticed that jobs aren't just a topic between couples, but a lot of people can rattle on about their jobs until it puts me in a coma. :sleeping:


----------



## gdtm0111 (Oct 15, 2012)

SouthBound - my wife's job is similar, and I find it boring. however, she works in a sales environment and I'm always hearing about this guy or another guy.

I work in the IT field and rarely discuss my day-to-day activities unless it involves something relevant. I figure she just doesn't want to hear about it.


----------

