# My wife of 22 years cheated and my daughters know. I’m in a dark place.



## AloneandLost (11 mo ago)

We got married when we were both 22 (44 now). We have 4 great girls aged 18, 17 & 17 (twins), and 13. The youngest is oblivious to everything that’s going on. I thought my wife and I had a great relationship. We had our normal married couple fights, but nothing huge. For about the past year and a half, she has had spurts of being distant and cold, and being super affectionate and loving. I just ended up getting used to it. Some periods were very lonely and some were like a honeymoon phase. Well, the current period is a down phase, and I began getting suspicious. My wife would come home late and say she stayed at work. Or she’d go grocery shopping and be out for a very, very long time, but still come home with a normal amount of food. Hiding her phone, etc. 

I jumped the gun and bought a PI to follow her. Turns out she has been screwing her coworker that I’ve met on multiple occasions. He’s younger and more fit than I am (though I’m taller and due to my job, am probably alot stronger). His position is high up, so he makes a lot more money than me. He’s also divorced, so nothing I can use as leverage. Yesterday, I followed him in my car when he left work. I was hoping for him to meet with my wife. He stopped at a store and went in. I walked in as well and started to talk to him. He actually immediately starting apologizing and was very forthcoming with information. How long it had lasted, where they’d go, etc. He then told me that one day, they both took the day off and spent time at my house. They lost track of time and the three oldest came home after school (oldest drives them) and caught them on the couch. They initially screamed at her and he left. She texted him later and said it all fixed and that they won’t tell me what happened. He said she never disclosed what she did to make them stay quiet, but after that, they mostly went to his place, and that if he did come over to my house, they’d be weary of the time. 

It took everything in me not to pummel this guy in public. I was starring him in the eyes and I guess i looked crazed or something, because he started profusely apologizing again and said he’d put a stop to it immediately. I just turned around and left. I didn’t go home yesterday and stopped sharing my location with my family and bought a room at a cheap hotel in cash and bought booze. I drank a lot and even contemplated sending my family goodbye texts and drinking myself to death. Glad I didn’t. I’m assuming he cut her off and told her about our meeting, because last night and currently, her and our daughters are blowing my phone up with texts, calls, and voicemails. My daughters panicked and told me everything and how sorry they are and that they feel like terrible daughters and begged me not to hate them. I 
only responded once and that was to tell my daughters I’d never hate them. I haven’t responded to anything else. My wife is begging me to come home and talk to her and is apologizing profusely. I took the day off today so I have all day to figure out what to do. I’ll return home either tonight or tomorrow, but right now I’m in such a dark place that I can’t talk to anyone right now. 

My daughters have always been closer to their mother. They are practically best friends. On their social media profiles, each one has multiple appreciation posts and birthday posts about their mother but none of me. They hang out with their mother a lot as well. I try to do things with them, but it seems that they always have other things to do. I don’t mean to sound selfish or entitled, I really don’t. I never complained about it. I know people have favorite parents, especially daughters with their mothers. But I’d be lying if I said it doesn’t pop in my mind at least once a day. I feel so alone right now. I feel like I don’t have a family. I feel like they’re embarrassed of me (even with their pleas) and that if I disappeared, no one would care at all. 

Like i said, I’m planning on going home either tonight or tomorrow. I need advice on what to do and what to say. I don’t know how I’ll react. What should I say to my wife? My kids? I’m on the verge of a meltdown.


----------



## One Eighty (Apr 30, 2018)

You should probably NOT go home while on the verge of a meltdown. You should keep no contact going until you have a clear idea of what you want going forward. If you go home or even talk to your wife you open yourself up to manipulation at your most vulnerable moment. You need to know what you want and dictate that. Not have her cry and beg and use your vulnerability against you. At this point your self esteem has been destroyed. You need time to sort this out.

In time you will see that this is all on her. Nothing can justify what she did. Your self esteem will rebound. You will be able to face her and be in the drivers seat. Right now you will be putty in her obviously deceitful untrustworthy hands.

The fact that this went on for so long, the fact that the affair partner was the one to tell you, these thing mean your wife is a consummate liar. As a wise woman once said, "It takes a tremendous amount of sociopathic panache to conduct a double life for YEARS. That’s bazillions of lies. It’s deceit as a lifestyle choice."

The woman you thought she was, that woman never really existed. You see the real her now.

My heart goes out to you. Talk to a counselor. Talk to an attorney. Talk to your family and friends.


----------



## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

wow, you are in a bad place, X4. 
why would they side with their mom, and basically lie to you?

Normally the daughters would be working on the mom to get her to not abandon the family. 

If they are very close to mom, then their mom has obviously been raising them wrong, as they do not consider her cheating on you to be a bad thing.

if i were you, i would stay at the bar some more


----------



## GG1061 (Apr 20, 2021)

AloneandLost said:


> We got married when we were both 22 (44 now). We have 4 great girls aged 18, 17 & 17 (twins), and 13. The youngest is oblivious to everything that’s going on. I thought my wife and I had a great relationship. We had our normal married couple fights, but nothing huge. For about the past year and a half, she has had spurts of being distant and cold, and being super affectionate and loving. I just ended up getting used to it. Some periods were very lonely and some were like a honeymoon phase. Well, the current period is a down phase, and I began getting suspicious. My wife would come home late and say she stayed at work. Or she’d go grocery shopping and be out for a very, very long time, but still come home with a normal amount of food. Hiding her phone, etc.
> 
> I jumped the gun and bought a PI to follow her. Turns out she has been screwing her coworker that I’ve met on multiple occasions. He’s younger and more fit than I am (though I’m taller and due to my job, am probably alot stronger). His position is high up, so he makes a lot more money than me. He’s also divorced, so nothing I can use as leverage. Yesterday, I followed him in my car when he left work. I was hoping for him to meet with my wife. He stopped at a store and went in. I walked in as well and started to talk to him. He actually immediately starting apologizing and was very forthcoming with information. How long it had lasted, where they’d go, etc. He then told me that one day, they both took the day off and spent time at my house. They lost track of time and the three oldest came home after school (oldest drives them) and caught them on the couch. They initially screamed at her and he left. She texted him later and said it all fixed and that they won’t tell me what happened. He said she never disclosed what she did to make them stay quiet, but after that, they mostly went to his place, and that if he did come over to my house, they’d be weary of the time.
> 
> ...


You must be heartbroken beyond belief. Your wife has betrayed you in the worst way. Beyond that, your daughters’ discovery didn’t stop her from continuing the affair. WTF? That’s some pretty low crap right there. With AP dumping her (for now) seems like he wasn’t looking for anything serious with your wife. But periodically withdrawing her affection from you seems to indicate either AP or your wife called it quits several times before resuming again. Also, the common practice of waywards feeling loyal to AP so as to alienate their husband is at play. Or, could be her guilt and shame kept her from expressing affection toward you.

Your daughters may have thought your wife ended the affair. Maybe she told them she would come clean to you. However, after non-disclosure if they knew the affair was ongoing that’s an extra twist of the knife you’ll have to get over on top of your wife’s betrayal. Given wifey’s “grocery runs” and “late work hours” as you described it probable they knew the affair was continuing. Right now they are probably resentful toward your wife having put them in this spot despite the close relationship they have. You will have to have a discussion with them to figure their behaviors and motives.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Why would you destroy yourself over a lying cheater? Get to an attorney now and see what your rights are. There maybe some monetary repercussions again him and or his company. Keep your evidence in a secure place.

I Suspect like most you’ll get the old blame shifting BS.

Lay off the alcohol. It’s a depressant and will make this a whole lot worse. Be very careful. Domestic violence will land you in jail and having a restraining order against you at this time is another burden you don’t need. Don’t think that can’t happen.


----------



## QuietGuy (Aug 31, 2021)

1st thing is to take care of yourself. Stay away from alcohol. Eat as well as you can. Schedule STD screening and tell your doctor if you need help sleeping. I hope you have some people who can support you emotionally. Do you want to D or R. Take as much time as you need to decide. Keep discussions with your wife to an absolute minimum until you feel emotionally stable enough to confront her. 
Text her about when you will be home. Tell her you will not be sleeping with her and you are not ready to discuss the affair. Ask her if she wants to save the marriage. Since he has been in the house, ask her if he has been in your bed. Ask her if you need to DNA the kids. Tell her to get STD tested. Ask her to respond by text. Tell her to respect your privacy and leave you alone until you tell her you are ready to discuss things. If possible, set up an area of the house that can be your area. Tell her that before you will discuss the affair with her, she must produce a hand written timeline of the affair. Tell her it must include how it started (who initiated it), where and when they met. How often they had sex and what each of them said about you. 
This is just a start. You will get great advice here. Do not sit down with her to have a serious discussion until you have a basic script to follow. People here will help you with that as well. Do not beg. Say as little as you can for now. Do not offer reconciliation at this point. Only say you will need some time to decide what you want to do. Consult a lawyer. Good luck.


----------



## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

I am so sorry that you are here. I know what you’re feeling, the pain, the physical manifestation of this weighing down on you. It’s immense and consuming. Please understand, that this is a season, it’s a horrible, devastating one but it will pass. You will heal, mend and become whole again even if it seems impossible in this moment. Your job in the meantime is to weather it and survive it. 

First of all, if you have any thoughts and feelings of wanting to die, which you’ve already said you do, please… get medical intervention. There is no shame in getting therapy or medication if you need it. 

Second, you need time for yourself. You need to get out of panic mode and into action mode. Anything she tells you at this point is suspect. An easier way to have this confrontation, is to control it. Here are some suggestions:

1. Allow her to speak to you only when you are ready. Calm and dispassionate are the most effective things to portray right now. 

2. Have a list of questions, allow her to answer only those questions so you do not become overwhelmed. What do you actually need to know at this point? Think about it, the answer may be nothing.

3. Research the 180 and go cold. Regardless of whether or not you want to work this out, that’s the way to do it. She needs consequences, she needs to understand what she’s done. She needs to see the reality of losing your emotional and physical support, and it will help you. Talk to a lawyer, to figure out your options. It’s always good to know your options.

4. Read stories here like yours. You are not alone. Your pain has been experienced by many of us. And it’s very helpful to have a place where you are understood. You will also begin to see a method that helps people get through this most effectively. 

5. lastly, this is not your fault. Nothing you did caused this, nothing you’ve done in your marriage made her cheat on you. The cheating is on her, 100%. Don’t allow her to lie, gaslight or place any of the blame on you for this. Your marriage issues are completely separate. (Another good reason for the 180)

As a last note, that’s pretty low to have your kids lie to you. I won’t say unforgivable because I don’t know what your limits are, but I don’t think you need anyone to tell you how messed up that is. She’s obviously an extremely selfish and cold person. I’m so sorry that’s what you’re dealing with here. 

Please keep posting, it will help you. We are here.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

*Blame-shifting* is when a person does something wrong or inappropriate, and then dumps the blame on someone else to avoid taking responsibility for their own behavior.


----------



## One Eighty (Apr 30, 2018)

Some ideas:

Some cheaters cheat on their way out. She could be planning, may have been planning, on divorcing you, regardless of the affair. See an attorney asap. 

This will not end just because the other guy said it would. She may beg him to continue. He may change his mind. The two of them will get better at covering their tracks. Don't ever believe this is over just because one or both of them said it is over. Things like this don't end easily. It is similar to a drug addiction. People may actually want to end it but they keep going back anyway. 

The fact your kids didn't tell you or at least become alienated from their mother, that to me says that your wife has been poisoning their minds. Telling them that you deserved to be cheated on. That she had the right to do this to you. And they are believing this B.S. Don't blame them of course. I know you won't. Parents manipulate children easily. Blame your wife. She has turned your girls against you. What a despicable thing to do.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

One Eighty said:


> Some ideas:
> 
> Some cheaters cheat on their way out. She could be planning, may have been planning, on divorcing you, regardless of the affair. See an attorney asap.
> 
> ...


Exactly. His words are BS. He’s a cheater and they all lie a lot. The real culprit here is your wife. She was married to you.


----------



## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Marc878 said:


> Why would you destroy yourself over a lying cheater?


Yeah. I mean this. The wife is a cheater, the daughers are enablers.

First of all, OP needs to lump them all in the same category until they can distinguish themselves. His daughters are not highly ethical.

I would highly encourage OP not to go home and have them hold him hostage because they are praying for consistency and not him. He needs to control the narrative.

Most of his daughters would be beyond child support by the time of a divorce anyway.

OP needs to do what's best for him. He deserves better than his wife. He should divorce and let the chips fall where they may and the daughters who support his cheating wife ??? Out of the will


----------



## QuietGuy (Aug 31, 2021)

Ask your daughters how your wife convinced them to keep her secret. Tell them that she made them a part of the affair. Tell them that you know they were in a terrible position and you hope they learned from it. Then re-afirm your love for them.


----------



## Mustang1968'sWife (May 22, 2017)

I am sorry for what you are going through. Take time for yourself. Talk to a good friend, find a therapist, or talk to your minister. You have to decide what is best for you and your family. No one else can make those decisions.


----------



## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

why are you going home ? What is your gameplan when you get there ??? Don't go home until you have a gameplan !!!! They are working against you


----------



## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

This is one of the most egregious cases of female infidelity I have seem on TAM! A woman who cheats and coerces her teenage children into complicity with her infidelity. I don’t know you however I am outraged at what she is teaching your daughters.

I agree with others that you should stop with the drinking, calm yourself and tap into your righteous anger before you engage your wife. Please know that you did nothing to deserve or cause this, it’s all on your wife and her lack of character. Your children have been deviously manipulated by your wife (imagine their conflict and confusion at their mother’s behavior) and, IMO are not at fault. It is extraordinarily difficult for a teenage girl to stand against their mother in situations such as this and, they should have never been put in this position. Your wife, however deserves the cold light of the reality of what she has done, along with severe consequences.

Remember this is a severe shock, it’s normal to be on a rollercoaster of emotions and it’s normal to still be in love with your wife. Only you can decide what you want moving forward; your wife has no say in this after the bomb she threw into your marriage.

Please remember to sleep, eat and rest and otherwise take care of yourself. There are many folks here on TAM that can assist you because they have been in your situation.

calling @No Longer Lonely Husband


----------



## QuietGuy (Aug 31, 2021)

Keep posting here. You will lots of great advice and support from people that have been in your situation.


----------



## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

AloneandLost said:


> My daughters have always been closer to their mother. They are practically best friends. On their social media profiles, each one has multiple appreciation posts and birthday posts about their mother but none of me. They hang out with their mother a lot as well. I try to do things with them, but it seems that they always have other things to do. I don’t mean to sound selfish or entitled, I really don’t. I never complained about it. I know people have favorite parents, especially daughters with their mothers. But I’d be lying if I said it doesn’t pop in my mind at least once a day. I feel so alone right now. I feel like I don’t have a family. I feel like they’re embarrassed of me (even with their pleas) and that if I disappeared, no one would care at all.
> 
> Like i said, I’m planning on going home either tonight or tomorrow. I need advice on what to do and what to say. I don’t know how I’ll react. What should I say to my wife? My kids? I’m on the verge of a meltdown.


I know this isn't helpful, but i'm darn glad someone else feels the same way I do. I always chalked it up to "boys like their mothers better", I know my brother and I did. Now I realize they like my wife better because she invests more time and energy with them. It's all on me.

As for your situation, personally I'd have to call it quits. Not so much for the infidelity, but the ongoing lying and continued infidelity. That kind of speaks to the type of person your wife is, or has become. That' insurmountable in my opinion. Plus, you are young and still have your life ahead of you.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

What a terrible, sad story. Please don’t drink. It won’t help. Can you stay away from all of them for awhile? A few days? Give yourself some time to think.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Inform your boss at work so they know what you’re goin through. They’ve probably seen this before. You need all the support you can get.


----------



## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Your WW is so F’d up to get your daughter’s involved in the cover up. I know it must hurt that they said nothing. That is pretty low of them. As 17 & 18 year olds, they’re old enough to understand that their mother bringing another man to the house is so disrespectful to their father but they chose to look the other way. I too believe that your wife may have been bad mouthing you to them to cause enough of a rift to not care about their father being betrayed.

With her affair going on for so long, it is very unlikely that they will really end it just like that. Your wife probably in wuv with the guy and will be pining for him for a long time and he might not be so quick to give up the hot sex he’s been getting from her. So you can expect that they will lie low for a while until they think the coast is clear.

It’s to early to decide if you want to R but if you did, she MUST quit that job. Also, you should report them at work to HR. Even if they do nothing, knowing that management knows will kill some of the romance. Before you can even consider R or forgiveness, you have to understand exactly what you’re forgiving. You need her to right a complete timeline of the affair and you need access to EVERYTHING. Get those devices before she completely deletes everything.
We’re here for you. On TAM, you will have a lot of experience from those who have been in your exact shoes. Come back post often for guidance on how to proceed. 

PS, see a lawyer ASAP. You need to know exactly what divorce will be like. Having her served and exposing her to her family has a way of helping clear the fog that waywards are in right after d day.


----------



## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

You know… you can stop listening. You can absolutely close your ear to the noise, and you have the right to silence. To listen to yourself. To simply do whatever you want to!

A simple explaination would suffice, so they don’t send an ambulance after you: ‘I would like to be left alone, I am safe, I am fine, I don’t know when I’ll be home, but I will be in touch when I’m ready’.

That’s an empowering message. You are under no obligation to listen to anyone anymore, make any decisions to please others. Not your daughters, not your wife. As you mentioned it looks like they’re fine with their mother for now. And it’s also her responsibility to help that poor child who not only witnessed something she shouldn’t have, but who was forced to cover & bear the shame and guilt. Don’t be fixing this, that is your wife’s shame and guilt. Much much later, your daughter will need you. But I think I’m your state now, it’s ok to step back, stay away, and grieve.

Your needs, your Heath and safety are paramount now, and I would highly recommend you stay away for more time, and connect with any people in your life who are supportive. Don’t bear any of this shame, don’t cover for your wife, and don’t fix her mistakes.

You’ve been liberated, now heal. Don’t worry about anyone anymore. Because I am very saddened to say, nobody cared much for you, and I’m so sorry for your pain. Indulge for the next few days however you wish! The time to ‘adult’ will come later, so gather your strength. It’s not unkind to be selfish. Your situation is a sad one, but you’re going to have to learn that you’re alone here. Since they’ve functioned so well and treated you like such an outsider, they can all work together moving forward and deal with it, without you. Take care.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

AloneandLost said:


> We got married when we were both 22 (44 now). We have 4 great girls aged 18, 17 & 17 (twins), and 13. The youngest is oblivious to everything that’s going on. I thought my wife and I had a great relationship. We had our normal married couple fights, but nothing huge. For about the past year and a half, she has had spurts of being distant and cold, and being super affectionate and loving. I just ended up getting used to it. Some periods were very lonely and some were like a honeymoon phase. Well, the current period is a down phase, and I began getting suspicious. My wife would come home late and say she stayed at work. Or she’d go grocery shopping and be out for a very, very long time, but still come home with a normal amount of food. Hiding her phone, etc.
> 
> I jumped the gun and bought a PI to follow her. Turns out she has been screwing her coworker that I’ve met on multiple occasions. He’s younger and more fit than I am (though I’m taller and due to my job, am probably alot stronger). His position is high up, so he makes a lot more money than me. He’s also divorced, so nothing I can use as leverage. Yesterday, I followed him in my car when he left work. I was hoping for him to meet with my wife. He stopped at a store and went in. I walked in as well and started to talk to him. He actually immediately starting apologizing and was very forthcoming with information. How long it had lasted, where they’d go, etc. He then told me that one day, they both took the day off and spent time at my house. They lost track of time and the three oldest came home after school (oldest drives them) and caught them on the couch. They initially screamed at her and he left. She texted him later and said it all fixed and that they won’t tell me what happened. He said she never disclosed what she did to make them stay quiet, but after that, they mostly went to his place, and that if he did come over to my house, they’d be weary of the time.
> 
> ...


First, toss the booze. It’s not going to help you.

Next, get back into your house; once there, tell your wife to pack her **** and GTFO.

Once that’s done, it’s time for lawyers.

Sorry man.


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Jesus man, I'm so sorry for you and your pain. Let me enforce what everyone is telling you: DON'T GO HOME JUST YET and stay non contact until you know what's your game plan will be. GET A LAWYER NOW. do not over think this. It's a MUST. 

Having say that I will give you my personal view on this, but I'm not you so take what you can, discard the rest or all of it.
As a man, I don't give a crap about the who, why, when, how, all I care as a man that have self respect, dignity, and self worth is that she did. 
To me that's immediately grounds for divorce. I wouldn't look back on it. I wouldn't care what it would cost me, she would be dead to me period. As a matter of fact I think that I would do whatever so I never would lay my eyes on her. It wouldn't matter how much I love her, because as much as I might deeply hurt, loving her got nothing to do with it.

As to the daughters, I don't think that I could forgive them either, they knew what was being done to you, but they preferred to betray you also. You forgive them, you're showing them that they also can do it. Think about that.

Unless you think that you can live the rest of your life with a woman that was bringing her lover to your own house and that she was giving that that was supposed to be yours only, then do what you must. 

Like I said: to me she would be dead already. No going back. Proceed at your own risk going forward if you decide to rugsweep this betrayal.


----------



## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

Would speak to a lawyer first before going home.

If you have documented evidence from your PI would send that to the employers HR department. Your lawyer will likely encourage you to sit on this evidence so as not to complicate the divorce. Ultimately you are still the boss.

If you are entertaining reconciliation with your cheating wife send the evidence to her employer and burn their careers to the ground. Your wife may be more humble after you have shown ruthlessness and pulled the rug out from her fantasy.

You don't hate your daughters. I agree it would be hard. You shouldn't trust them going forward. Like your wife they have already shown you who they are and where their loyalties lie.

Watch your back because your_ family _certainly doesn't have it.

Carry a voice activated recorder with you to guard against false allegations of abuse or violence. Expect your wife and your daughters to be capable of making such allegations now that you know the truth. Say little or nothing to any of them as to what you intend to do. Tell them you will let them know when you are ready. Act when you are ready to blindside them all as opposed to them blindsiding you if your intentions are known early.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Please , please. Do NOT, in your moment if weakness, do anything but see an attorney abd start the divorce process. If you even consider taking your lousy, cheating, lying wife back before you have her served, she will see you as a weak, pathetic loser and will walk all over you and likely will divorce YOU.

Your life has been wrecked and you are feeling as bad as you’ve likely ever felt in your life. We’ve been there. I’m not gonna sugar coat it, you are going to have to endure incredible, relentless pain for a while. You CAN make it. Your momma didn’t raise a wuss that would bend over and lay down and die over THIS kind of woman.

But whee are never you do, resist the urge to get out of the pain by trying to be all nicey to your wife and “win her back”. Vomit.

Anything but going nuclear in her will drive her away. Force her, if you’re stupid enough to want to be with this vile person again, to come to YOU on YOUR terms, or carry her nasty butt.

I’m sorry. But believe me with all my heart— you are NOT alone. Millions have men have been in your spot. Keep posting and let us help you. See that attorney!


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

marko polo said:


> Act when you are ready to blindside them all as opposed to them blindsiding you if your intentions are known early.


The way I would do it is to immediately serve her with divorce papers, to show that He's strong and not a pathetic beta man that can be pushed around. 
He can go on from there. A divorce can be stopped at any time if that's what he want (I wouldn't), but that will give him the power to direct the situation to his best advantage. 

To OP: consult a lawyer now. Knowledge is power; power is defining. Knowledge & power combined are the best weapons one can have when going to the battlefield. Make not mistake about this, you're going to battle whether you want it or not, even if it is ultimately with yourself.


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Let your attorney do all of the communicating.


----------



## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Speak to an attorney and file for divorce. The process can be stopped in the unlikely event that reconciliation is possible. Ask the attorney what you need to do to not be later accused of abandoning the family.

Expose the affair to her family and yours in order to get in front of any story she might concoct.

Do not expose to her employer. In the event of a divorce, it's better that she has an income, which will reduce your alimony payments. But indirectly use the threat of exposure to ensure that she plays nice in the divorce, e.g. "I'm being nice to you by not informing your HR department; please be nice to me as well." 

This is very hard. You will get good advice here as things move along.

44-year-old men are a hot commodity in the dating market, attractive to 30-something women. The same is not true for 44-year-old women. Your wife made some very poor decisions.


----------



## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

Rob_1 said:


> The way I would do it is to immediately serve her with divorce papers, to show that He's strong and not a pathetic beta man that can be pushed around.
> He can go on from there. A divorce can be stopped at any time if that's what he want (I wouldn't), but that will give him the power to direct the situation to his best advantage.
> 
> To OP: consult a lawyer now. Knowledge is power; power is defining. Knowledge & power combined are the best weapons one can have when going to the battlefield. Make not mistake about this, you're going to battle whether you want it or not, even if it is ultimately with yourself.


Divorce is certainly the recommended course however filing takes time. Certainly more than just a single day. Documents have to be drawn up and the divorce industry seems to be booming. It will not be done nearly fast enough if he chooses this course in short order.

If they see him as weak at the moment so much the better. That means they will underestimate him further and give him the opportunity to act at the moment of his choosing. They fear what they may lose otherwise they wouldn't be so desperate to speak to him. A good plow horse is hard to find these day as more men wake to the true reality of the modern marriage.

He shouldn't be in a rush to go home there is nothing there for him.


----------



## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

Turn off your phone and watch the Shawshank Redemption. It helps.

After that, if you decide to make Red's choice, get rid of the wife and the daughters. Because you're right. Their pleas are fake, they don't care. The best thing you could ever do for them is to let them go be with their mother. And find a new situation where you're not surrounded by people who would do something like that to you.


----------



## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

First order of business is to contact a lawyer for a consultation. That's a mighty cold woman you have there OP. T'were it me given the age of the kids, she'd be getting served at my earliest possible convenience.


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Holy ****!


Red Sonja said:


> This is one of the most egregious cases of female infidelity I have seem on TAM! A woman who cheats and coerces her teenage children into complicity with her infidelity. I don’t know you however I am outraged at what she is teaching your daughters.
> 
> I agree with others that you should stop with the drinking, calm yourself and tap into your righteous anger before you engage your wife. Please know that you did nothing to deserve or cause this, it’s all on your wife and her lack of character. Your children have been deviously manipulated by your wife (imagine their conflict and confusion at their mother’s behavior) and, IMO are not at fault. It is extraordinarily difficult for a teenage girl to stand against their mother in situations such as this and, they should have never been put in this position. Your wife, however deserves the cold light of the reality of what she has done, along with severe consequences.
> 
> ...


Holy ****! This is un-****ing believable! Your daughter cover for her cheating ass???!!!
Sir, please do not assume any blame as rest assured when you bust her, she will blame shift.

I ,initially, after catching my FWW Wondered what I did to cause her to seek comfort in the arms of another. Thanks to the seasoned veterans on here they finally drilled into my cranial cavity that it was not my fault she cheated. Cheating was 100% on FWW.

Now, the hard part. Why in the hell would you daughter cover for here? I cannot fathom my children knowing and not telling me. Once my children Learned, granted my son was 22 and my daughter 24, the called my wife, their mother, names so vile I will not post here. That opened my FWW’s eyes to the fact the days of unicorns and rainbows was kaput!

Now, please do not over indulge in alcoholic beverages as this accomplishes nothing. When you sober up your problem is still there. Trust me, I knocked out 1/2 bottle of Woodford each night for six weeks. Accomplished zilch for me. Please take my advice and no booze.

Now for you, what is your objective? I will be honest in my assessment that reconciliation is not a viable option due to your daughters being silent on the affair. That is a betrayal I cannot fathom. My heart goes out to you on this. You have experienced an infidelity of the most horrendous manner one can imagine with your own flesh and blood covering up for her.

I strongly encourage you to find a good counselor pronto. Get practice in dealing with this. Trust me, a good therapist can be a godsend.

Damn, I am searching for the right advice, but it it hard to post what I really want to post. Give me a few minutes to chill before I go nuclear in my advice. By all means feel free to PM me. Let me collect my thought as I am super pissen off reading your situation.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

So I sent you here. Many of the folks here have gone through what you have.

First of all I want to tell you that you will be alright, I know you don't feel like it now but you will survive.

I think its very sad how your daughter treated you and you have a right to be very hurt. I do think it was an impossible situation, so they deserve some grace. I was reading your post on Reddit and I aggree that you shouldn't take your anger out on them for that but you have every right to be disappointed and this isn't something you should protect them from. The disloyalty they showed to you is awful. It is better for them to feel the consequences of that so they learn the right lesson. You don't want your wife's behavior being normalized. It's OK to say what you said in your post, that you feel like you are all alone and don't have a family. Protect them from your anger but don't protect anyone of them from your disappointment. They should be ashamed of that. Your wife did that to you and also to your daughters. But they should still have to earn back your trust. Besides it's better that you have a real and honest relationship in the long run, hiding that will only stop your relationship from healing.

As far as your wife goes, I would talk to a lawyer first. If it were me I would probably text her and tell her as much but that is it, "I am not sure when I will be back, I will be speaking to a lawyer, but that is all short and sweet". I would stay away from her a least a week and let her suffer in her shame, not being able to apologize usually causes real introspection. Honestly I might make your daughters wait a week too. Again it's important that this as uncomfortable and painful for your daughters as possible for a short period of time. Anyway after that if you must I would show her any evidence you have right in front of her so she has look at it with you, and deal with the shame if she has any. Though I think if it were me, I would talk to my lawyer but if possible I would just get a place of my own and just leave the evidence for your girls to see. I would not hide what she did for her I would allow her parents to know if they are around. Consequences and you being strong are the best thing you can do to empower yourself to recover quickly.

It's important you remember that people cheat because of poor character, it's not because of their external situation. People in terrible marriages are faithful, and people in the great marriages cheat, it's all a produce of who the person is and how much honor they have. Your wife has none. Bringing your daughters into it is really the worst. She should really be ashamed.

By the way if he has a SO, tell them. It's the moral thing to do.

If I were you I would start to get in shape, it will give you confidence but also release endorphins which help with depression.

Whatever you do don't prioritize being nice, prioritize being good. A good man stands up for himself a good man walks away from abuse and stops it. A good man protects his daughters when someone around them is toxic, but also allows them to suffer consequences if that suffering makes them learn an important lesson.

Your wife stole your agency, take it back. You are still young, you have plenty of life left. You are a faithful man, that is something your wife should have valued, someone else will. But your path to happiness is probably not going to be with her. She has a hell of a lot of work to do.

I am sorry man, but don't be afraid you are going to be OK.


----------



## ThreeHundo (Sep 20, 2021)

Man, I am so sorry. I just don't know how the hell you come back from that. A quadruple betrayal. I mean, none of the girls had the sense to tell their FATHER that some **** was going on? Damn.

I would suggest not going home tonight. Take the night to calm down as much as you can. Then tomorrow, fu*k, I really don't know. That's just brutal. Again, really sorry man. I hope everything works out the best way possible, whatever that looks like.


----------



## Lotsofheart73 (Oct 13, 2021)

Think you need to give yourself more time before heading back home. Other posters above have some good advice. QR has it laid out pretty well.

Also you might consider waiting to deal with your daughters involvement in this. Maybe seek advice from a therapist in how to handle a conversation with them and what you would want to accomplish with that conversation(s). I would advise that you definitely do not fly off the handle with the daughters.
I have to say at 17, I would not have know what to do in that situation. Was not close to my mom at all. Was a “daddy’s girl” but not “close” in later teens. Dad had to work late but tried to make my sporting events if he could while sahm couldn’t be bothered to go or show support in anyway. YET still, I would not have known what to do in that situation. Not that I thought cheating was okay but I just would not to know what to do. I kinda felt like the adult parents business was not my business. Hard to explain.
Plus you have absolutely no idea what your wife said to them. Just my thoughts.


----------



## Lotsofheart73 (Oct 13, 2021)

To clarify… I do not think the daughters involvement should be overlooked. I just think that you should deal with them separately and not involve them further or discuss it with them while wife is present. You possibly have their whole lives ahead with them (daughters, maybe not the wife). In my opinion would be wise to work with therapist and maybe a family therapist for you and daughters to work through (separate from dealing with the wife).


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Lotsofheart73 said:


> To clarify… I do not think the daughters involvement should be overlooked. I just think that you should deal with them separately and not involve them further or discuss it with them while wife is present. You possibly have their whole lives ahead with them (daughters, maybe not the wife). In my opinion would be wise to work with therapist and maybe a family therapist for you and daughters to work through (separate from dealing with the wife).


I think this makes sense. I think it's important for OP to understand that how he feels about what his daughters did is OK, but he must deal with it because it's probably not going to go away.


----------



## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Sir, there is nothing to work with here. Your wife is sorry she was caught. 


All I needed to read was that she co tinued the affair after your daughters caught her. That didn't wake her up. Doing "something" to your children so that she could continue to screw her AP. There are no words. 

I don't see any reason to ever speak to her again. It takes some next level bull crap to get kids involved in hiding affairs.


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

*He then told me that one day, they both took the day off and spent time at my house. *

I assume this occurred in your marital bed a time or two possibly? The three oldest caught them on the couch?

*She texted him later and said it all fixed and that they won’t tell me what happened. He said she never disclosed what she did to make them stay quiet, but after that, they mostly went to his place, and that if he did come over to my house, they’d be weary of the t*ime. 

I would hold my daughters feet to the fire and find out why in the hell they considered not telling you of their discovery of your wife, their mother, banging another guy. This **** is twisted as hell and in one word UNNACCEPTABLE. Get answers!

*It took everything in me not to pummel this guy in public.*

He is not worth the salt peter to blow his sorry ass to hell. Not worth going to jail over. You sound like me. I am a physically imposing fellow and trained in serious hand to hand combat while in the Corps. I knew I could rip POSOM in my case apart and desired to, but thankfully I realized he was not worth going to jail over. Let your POSOM think you may take action and some date in the future. **** with his mind. I saw POSOM in my case next to me gassing up his car on the other side of the pumps shortly after my Dday. I did my best Clint Eastwood voice and told him ”Not if, but when you get yours”. Mess with his mind.

*Now Co Worker Issue:*

Report him and your wife to the HR department of their employer. It is possible you may be entitled to a nice $ settlement. Engage competent legal counsel to advise you as to how to proceeed and to DRAW UP PETITION FOR DISSOLUTION OF MARRIAGE AND HAVE HER ASS SERVED AT WORK....MAXIMUM EMBARRASSMENT AND SHAME!

*
I drank a lot and even contemplated sending my family goodbye texts and drinking myself to death. Glad I Didn’t My daughters panicked and told me everything and how sorry they are and that they feel like terrible daughters and begged me not to hate them*. 

Get out of this line of thinking in a defeatist fashion. Is she really worth offing yourself? Hell no! Do not fall into that line of thought. If you feel suicidal please seek assistance NOW! **** your wife and feed her sorry ass fish heads. She is not worthY to kiss your left ass cheek. She has no virtue. You are not the problem...she is .

*I’ll return home either tonight or tomorrow, but right now I’m in such a dark place that I can’t talk to anyone right now.*
Can you return home? I would recommend you ask her to vacate your house. You will not heal having to see her every waking moment you are in a place where you should be able to come to and relax after a hard day’s work. Can you face your daughters after the cruel manner in which they betrayed you by remaining silent? You do not leave the house. She leaves got it.

Yes, you are in a dark place. This place is temporary. I have been in your shoes you can and will get through this ****storm. Do not give in to the negative thoughts flowing around in your brain. Keep grounded and focus on the objective of extracting yourself out of infidelity.

My advice right now is simple. Consult legal counsel ASAP. Protect your rights and be prepared. Knowledge is power in a situation such as you find yourself in. Secondly, sit your daughters down and look each of them directly in the eye and ask them why they would betray you in such a cold hearted manner. I feel for you as I do not truly know how I would have reacted has my children covered up for my FWW. PLease realize you are stronger than you realize. This **** knock a guy to his knees, but do you want to live on your feet or on your knees? The choice is yours. Now for my pep talk I hav e given to a few other BH’s on this site..........SGT Lonely Husband Boot Camp.......Picture R. Lee Ermy barking at you as you exit the bus and stand on the yellow footprints of SGT LH Bootcamp, however, I am much better looking than R. Lee.....

RECRUIT! LISTEN UP and REMAIN AT ATTENTION! Reply to my assertions as YES SGT NLLH!

1- You have taken a hit in the worst way imaginable. It hurts it is not fatal! Get up off your ass and stand straght! YES SGT NLLH

2- You will quit the pity party. Feeling sorry for yourself is not an option and SGT NLLH Bootcamp! UNDERSTAND!

3- SHE IS THE PROBLEM. NOT YOU. I REPEAT! SHE IS THE PROBLEM NOT YOU!

4- You will work on gettting yourself into the best possible shape you can. Hit the gym and become a lean mean dating machine.

5- Read up on the 180 and implement it. DETACH! UNDERSTAND!

6- RIght now she is your enemy not your friend.Beleive no word which escapes her lips.

7 DISMISSED

2-


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

wmn1 said:


> Yeah. I mean this. The wife is a cheater, the daughers are enablers.
> 
> First of all, OP needs to lump them all in the same category until they can distinguish themselves. His daughters are not highly ethical.
> 
> ...


His daughters should also NOW be beyond any $$$$ support also. THEY should now get jobs to pay for their own college, insurance, etc.. What they did was SUPER disrespectful of the father, and honestly, really sh*tty.
They are adults, not little kids that don't know any better - time they learn that they need to grow up and be responsible for themselves. The Daddy ATM should be stopped.

Get to the best shark lawyer you can -- you will need it.


----------



## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Man my heart hurt reading this.

You've been heard my friend and I'm so glad you found TAM because you need a place to vent but also some wisdom from others who've been betrayed.

First let me say, I understand your disappointment about your daughter's not telling you, but you have no idea what your wife told them and remember they're just kids. Nobody wants to be the bearer of bad news and can you imagine the position they were put in knowing their mom was betraying you. You may not be that close to them but they were put in a NO win situation by your wife. I'm sure they're overwhelmed with guilt right now and thus why they're blowing up your phone. They're your kids, they should have NEVER been put in this position (as kids). Be disappointed but hear them out and give them grace and mercy. It's a teaching moment.

As for how to move forward. I get wanting to numb yourself, we've all been there, but at the end of the day it's only going to make things worse. So lay off the booze.

A few questions.
1) How long did this cat say the affair was going on?
2) You followed him into the store... why did he start spewing details of the affair? Did you ask him?
3) You said they work together. He's "high up". Is he her boss?

As others have said, it's in your best interest to get legal advice ASAP.

Your wife didn't confess anything so this would still be going on if you hadn't taken the initiative to find out.

Do NOT be swayed or moved by your wife's crocodile tears. They will NOT be for you. Nope they'll be for herself that she's been caught.

You do NOT have to make any decision right now. You have been blindsided and betrayed by the one person you never thought possible and your kids were brought into this nightmare by your wife and my friend all of us reading this are mortified and can feel your pain.

As I said, your wife didn't confess any of this, and just because this guy said he ended things you have no idea what your cheating lying wife's game is. Sounds like this has been going on for quite some time. Thousands of lies and you can NOT trust her as she's been living a double life. Please make sure you get tested for STD asap.

I'm so sorry you're in this nightmare. You did NOTHING to deserve this. You can't change the past but you have some major decisions coming to determine your future.

Please take care of yourself. Come here to vent. Most of the advice you'll get here will be valuable, however there will be some advice that you'll just have to disregard because this is the internet and thus with it comes idiots.

Hoping you have a friend or family member you can confide in?

Hang in there aloneandlost. Keep us posted.


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

marko polo said:


> Divorce is certainly the recommended course however filing takes time. Certainly more than just a single day.


Yes, but that is for an official divorce petition that must be prepared and officially filed and docked at the county courthouse.

A law office can always create in a few hours a draft that can be used as shock value. Oneself can also just download and fill an online petition from the county website, which can be also used to show the seriousness of his intentions. 

All he has to say is: you will be receiving the official petion shortly for you to sign. Nothing else. Note: he should be recording the conversation in case things go out of hand for his own protection in the eventuality that she tries to accuse him of DV (domestic violence).


----------



## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

She should be served while the ink is still wet.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Personally I think this is 100% on the wife. We can't possibly know the threats and warnings she gave them. 
Oh this will devastate your dad. The family will be destroyed. We will have to leave the house. Just think about the grandparents, they will be so upset. I won't see him again I swear. Please please don't tell him. 

Personally I would arrange to meet with the three older daughters out somewhere and have a good talk. Find out what was said to them. Assure them that you love them and that this isn't their fault. They were caught in the middle of the mess she created.


----------



## redmarshall (11 mo ago)

AloneandLost said:


> We got married when we were both 22 (44 now). We have 4 great girls aged 18, 17 & 17 (twins), and 13. The youngest is oblivious to everything that’s going on. I thought my wife and I had a great relationship. We had our normal married couple fights, but nothing huge. For about the past year and a half, she has had spurts of being distant and cold, and being super affectionate and loving. I just ended up getting used to it. Some periods were very lonely and some were like a honeymoon phase. Well, the current period is a down phase, and I began getting suspicious. My wife would come home late and say she stayed at work. Or she’d go grocery shopping and be out for a very, very long time, but still come home with a normal amount of food. Hiding her phone, etc.
> 
> I jumped the gun and bought a PI to follow her. Turns out she has been screwing her coworker that I’ve met on multiple occasions. He’s younger and more fit than I am (though I’m taller and due to my job, am probably alot stronger). His position is high up, so he makes a lot more money than me. He’s also divorced, so nothing I can use as leverage. Yesterday, I followed him in my car when he left work. I was hoping for him to meet with my wife. He stopped at a store and went in. I walked in as well and started to talk to him. He actually immediately starting apologizing and was very forthcoming with information. How long it had lasted, where they’d go, etc. He then told me that one day, they both took the day off and spent time at my house. They lost track of time and the three oldest came home after school (oldest drives them) and caught them on the couch. They initially screamed at her and he left. She texted him later and said it all fixed and that they won’t tell me what happened. He said she never disclosed what she did to make them stay quiet, but after that, they mostly went to his place, and that if he did come over to my house, they’d be weary of the time.
> 
> ...


Well first of all, glad that you're reaching out. Thats the first step, talking about it, and you're doing fine. Do not compare yourself to the guy who she cheated you on with, there are multitude of reasons why one is ahead in life and other is not, its moot. Just know and be proud of who you are. You handled things well, considering the circumstances and didn't let emotions get the better of you. Which is laudable. I second the motion to know what you want, you seems perfectly balanced and reasonable and see things for what they are, give yourself a little time, and ask for that from your family, just tell them you're fine and will be so. Meanwhile, try and do something to channelize your emotions, say a hobby that you like, and give yourself time to heal emotionally and let the proper step come to you. Keep on dropping in messages to your family three times a day just to say that you're ok, thats all they want to know. Once you're ready put your thoughts down on paper and read them back to yourself, I'm sure you'll find the way, even if it means leaving. Best of luck, and yes please stay away from the alcohol.


----------



## seadoug105 (Jan 12, 2018)

This post hit me pretty hard!!….

As a parent I work hard to not only teach right and wrong, but also the subtle nuances that seam to contradict (ex. “killing“ an animal vs. not letting one suffer).

Part of teaching right and wrong is allowing consequences to occur and not letting them feel they are exempt because they “know” the person controlling the consequences.

Three things they need to learn from this…
One: This is not how a wife behaves, and NO man will accept this regardless of length of marriage or # of children. And nor should they from their spouses…. “The juice isn‘t worth the squeeze”
Two: By hiding the affair they are part of it. And as family learns about the affair that fact should not be omitted. “Actions have consequences” and their inaction was actually the act of concealing.
Three: One parent should never ask/expect their child/children to hold their secret(s) from the other spouse. The damage it causes not just to the other spouse, but the parent/child relationship going fwd, the child’s mental foundation for future relationship, and the guilt it burdens that child with will have long lasting physiological effects.

With that being said you should not blast to the world that they hid the affair, but it’s also not your job to keep their secrets. And when it comes to the in-laws, they should know that their daughter sunk low enough to involve her daughters far enough in the affair to keep it from you…. To lie to you!


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

AloneandLost said:


> We got married when we were both 22 (44 now). We have 4 great girls aged 18, 17 & 17 (twins), and 13.....
> 
> I jumped the gun and *bought a PI to follow her. Turns out she has been screwing her coworker* that I’ve met on multiple occasions. He’s younger and more fit than I am (though I’m taller and due to my job, am probably alot stronger). His position is high up, so he makes a lot more money than me. He’s also divorced, .......
> 
> ...




First of all my heart goes out to you. You have been delt a terrible situation.

I hope this message finds you in time so that you* don't go home either tonight or tomorrow.*
You need to figure something out before you talk to you family. In your current state you are likely to say some very ugly things that can never be unsaid. As has been said, you need to have a plan and you need to know what it is you want to discuss with your wife and your daughters and stick to that plan and if you start to deviate, tell them that you have to leave and that you can talk more later.

Your instincts so far have been fabulous for the most part. Hiring a PI, walking up to the guy and letting him spill his guts, not fighting with him, disconnecting from your cheating wife, telling your daughters that you love them, getting some physical and emotional distance, and asking for help. All fabulous.

I will start by repeating some advice given to you by others.


Keep you phone such that you don't talk to your family. One text maybe and to your daughters. Tell them by text, that you have just learned that their mother did something that has shaken you to your core and you need space to compose yourself. Tell them that they are your daughters and you will always love them, but they need to respect that you need some space to process everything right now. 
Call your employer and tell them that you need to take some vacation because you have a family emergency. Don't go into details unless they need to know more. Tell them not to say anything to your wife or children if they call. They will likely call where you work. Make sure you take the rest of this week and possibly some of next week off. You will have a lot to do and a lot to figure out. 
Get up early, clean yourself up. pour any liquor down the sink, get a good healthy breakfast. look up a bunch of phone numbers and make appointments.
Talk to a divorce attorney. You need serious legal help and advice. Ask if he has any recommendations on a individual counselor to help you sort things out. Ask him if you should close any bank/checking accounts, credit cards, put a fraud hold on a credit rating company so she can't buy anything in your name. If you do any of that make sure the attorney and not you notifies her of the action.
See a Doctor or better yet go to a major testing facility to get STD tested. Since you are in the USA, go to Planned Parenthood or LabCorp and tell them that you just found out that your wife has been cheating on you and that you want to get a full panel set of STD tests. I would recommend LabCorp.
Take tomorrow off and go to your appointments. With any free time go for a walk and work on clearing your head. Your 22 year marriage has just died (or been executed by your wife). It will take time to mourn the loss of your marriage. You will go through the typical grieving process. Denial, bargaining, anger, etc. but ultimately you will get to acceptance. Normally, for a long term marriage with four children I would suggest seriously considering reconciliation. I am not feeling it. Your instinct told you what was happening and your PI and one-on-one confirmed it. What you need to focus on is working through some of your anger so that you will not lash out in rage against your wife, especially not in front of your daughters.
You have a unique opportunity to mentor your daughters. Three of them are of an age where they have likely started dating and if you are very luck you will have an opportunity to walk them down the aisle at their weddings. Most likely if you handle things well both you and your ex-wife will be invited to their weddings. They got themselves involved in something that was way over their heads and they know it. They are very afraid of how you will react to them, as they should be. Now is your chance to show them what a real man looks like and acts. there is this think called affirmations or self hypnosis. You need to repeat, preferably aloud that you love your daughters, you want to be a role model for them, but you love them and want to show them your love during these troubled times. Tell yourself that you need to be strong for them. Tell yourself that your wife is human and like all humans she is a flawed creature struggling to live a good life. That she made many horrible mistakes, but that you do not need to lower yourself to her level. Tell yourself that you are going to be calm, peaceful and not pour gasoline on a fire she has started. Tell yourself that you will not allow your soon to be ex wife do anything to make you angry. If she somehow ignites an anger response in you that you will politely excuse yourself and leave. Repeat these thoughts over an over until they become part of a new you.
You need to have a plan for when you meet your family. Actually I recommend two plans. 
The first is for when you meet your soon to be ex-wife. Start thinking of her in those terms. Your wife of 22 years knows you and knows all your emotional hot buttons. You need to be strong enough emotionally, that if she lashes out at you to start a fight, you will just smile and tell her you must leave and can continue to talk when she can control herself. Your discussion with her is about moving forward with preferably she moving out so she can f#ck whoever she wants and not be a bad moral influence on your daughters. Take the high road. The most critical part of the plan is where do you meet with her? I advise you to not be it anywhere near your daughters and not at your home. Maybe a coffee shop or your attorney's office. At the meeting tell her you will be blocking her phone and text messages and if she needs to send you a message, send it through you divorce attorney. While she should leave the house to be with her boyfriend, I expect she won't want to do that immediately, so if you must get any medications and some clothes arrange for a time, when she and your daughters will be gone from the house. Oh and tell her that you got tested for STD's once you found out and you won't know the results for a while.
You should have a separate meeting with your daughters and absolutely not have it in front of their mother. Figure out your plan. Tell them that this is a personal matter between you and your soon to be ex wife. They don't need to know what you know about her or how the two of you are going to dissolve the marriage. Your meeting with your daughters should focus on that you love them and that you will always be there for them. That you will quite likely be doing things in the divorce that they may seem will be strange, but they need to know that you will be fighting for them, their college educations, and their futures. They need to trust your love for them. Tell them that they can text you at anytime and that they can visit with you or you will visit with them, but not anywhere near your soon to be ex-wife. Tell them that your soon to be ex-wife has hurt you deeply, but what happened was something she did and not anything they did. Again, don't tell them what you know what their mother did. Tell them not to fight with their mother and that they should not take sides in what has happened or what will happen. Tell them that you spent many years loving their mother and she blessed your life with them. Tell them that this will be very hard on all of them. That one of the things they will need to think about is custody after the divorce. Tell them that you love them deeply and want to be part of their lives for the rest of their lives.
Good luck, get some counseling. Eat right, avoid alcohol and above all keep up your affirmations. Work on moving on with your life


----------



## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Just to add, most affairs rarely aren’t secret, and usually a few people know. Nobody wants to be the messenger though, do they. Someone also mentioned what might have been said to your daughter, devastate the family, devastate dad etc. This would have been particularly hard if that particular daughter was the caring one in an adult role before her time. Even if it wasn’t said, those thoughts probably did go through her head. A huge huge burden, and she may indeed have been protecting you more than her mother. Something to consider. But again, the responsibility to fix this lies with your wife. Your wife needs to repair the damage done to your daughter.


----------



## GaLaxya (Sep 26, 2021)

Wow. Your wife may be some sort of psycho or sociopath or what ever. If she is such, her daughter might have inherit her personality traits. Most likely. 

No matter what is wrong with your wife, itbseems her daughters are the same. As you said they prefer hanging out wuth her way more then with you. 

The close relationship of your wife with her daughters are for manipulation and control over them. This is the only reason why some woman raise their children to become their 'friends'.

No emotionally mature woman wants to be 'friends' with their children which are generally significantly younger. 
Only people on the naricissts/psychopath (you name it) spectrum would want that, as they are themself emotionally highly immature.

Your daughters seem to manipulate you too. That already indicates they are like their mother.

Think twice, if your wife is rackless, her children might be the same by nature. Personality is genetically predispositioned! 
Don't assume your daughters are innocent souls. They are humans with flaws, but as parents we think they are still innocent as they were as babys.

If they were able to not tell you about your wife cheating, they will be cheaters themselves. They already demonstrated their ability to betray a beloved person for their own sake. Their own advantages.

Don't you believe they have been pressured by their mother.
I doubt your wife threatend them with a knife to keep quite. 
And if I was you I wouldn't believe them even if they start to cry and try to convince you how sad or voulnarable they are. It will be just acting. Those people are good actors.

They will go extra miles to trigger you! to feel sorry for them!

Maybe your wife 'traines' them in how to manipulate men. The whole 'friendship' type of relationship might be a platform for your wife to influence her daughters. If she is a psycho or sociopath this is what they need. Control and manipulation. This includes the children and yourself.

I don't believe your daughters to be sorry for you. Their text message sound highly manipulative.
They are scared you won't support them in the future financially (studies, further education, marriage...) in any way. 

Sorry for you to pick and have had children with such a woman. I think you made a bad, bad choise. And now you also have daughters that are going to cheat and ruine their families.

Anyway, you should stay away from them. Also physically. Don't meet face to face until you calmed down. Maybe get some one to support you and be at your side when facing them. An other male. But don't touch them or try to physically hurt them.


----------



## SnowToArmPits (Jan 2, 2016)

Sorry man. Your wife has done you very, very wrong here.


> My wife is begging me to come home and talk to her and is apologizing profusely.


Of course it's nice to get an apology, but honestly what's this one worth? I'm sorry I brought him into our house. I'm sorry I had sex with him, then had sex with you. I'm sorry I let him cum in my mouth, then kissed you. I'm sorry I had sex with him over and over and over again. A 'sorry' kinda loses any meaning in the face of what she's done here.

You'd best be getting a full panel of STD tests, and no sex with your wife without a condom. Look out for your health here.

I'd be open minded about your daughters knowing something and not telling you, hear what they have to say. Your wife is obviously a piece of work. I can easily see her twisting up your daughters that if they tell you it will break up the family, they'll be shuffling from your apartment to her apartment losing the family home, etc.

If you previous to this had a good, loving relationship with your daughters, don't be surprised if your wife threatened them directly or indirectly (see above).

No way to sugar coat this, I think reconciliation is going to be quite a challenge. If you do try to reconcile, you're looking at a long tough slog, lots of anger, lots of pain. Guys have done it, but it's going to be a great deal of work for you and your wife. Unfortunately you might work hard and eat the pain in reconciliation for a couple of years only to have her do this again.

Courage mate.


----------



## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

i am afraid that now, you have daughters, at least the two older ones, who think it is perfectly ok for a wife to cheat on her husband. You wife taught them that. and it may hurt them some time in the future.

it might be good for your lawyer to especially bring up how your wife involved the daughters in the affair, and possibly to eek out some punishment from the judge for that! at least your daughters will learn about consequences for cheating behavior then


----------



## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

Go back home, tell her you are getting divorced, do the 180, and call a lawyer.

She's not sorry, she's sorry she got caught.


----------



## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

1- your daughters are old enough to know right from wrong. 
2- your daughters choose to disrespect you and continue covering for their mom
3- your wife slept with a guy on your bed. yes on your own bed
4- your wife, daughters and the other guy continued looking down on you. 

and fyi, girls are always close to their mom, however, they will never tolerate anyone even if it was their Mom to disrespect their Dad.

like others had said, it appears your wife has been bad mouthing in front of them. 

you are in a bad place, and I'm very sorry - this is tough - it is now the time when your Alpha male needs to come out, it is the time when you need to be strong. Honestly, I would leave and start somewhere else. you dont have to hate your girls. but stop talking to them for a while to teach them that cheating destroys families. this is the only way for them to understand and not to fall for the same mistake when they are married and end up abandoned when you are long gone. 

your wife, doesnt care about you nor your daughters and she is only SORRY because she got caught. she wasnt even sorry when your girls caught her.


----------



## jparistotle (Jul 10, 2018)

AloneandLost said:


> We got married when we were both 22 (44 now). We have 4 great girls aged 18, 17 & 17 (twins), and 13. The youngest is oblivious to everything that’s going on. I thought my wife and I had a great relationship. We had our normal married couple fights, but nothing huge. For about the past year and a half, she has had spurts of being distant and cold, and being super affectionate and loving. I just ended up getting used to it. Some periods were very lonely and some were like a honeymoon phase. Well, the current period is a down phase, and I began getting suspicious. My wife would come home late and say she stayed at work. Or she’d go grocery shopping and be out for a very, very long time, but still come home with a normal amount of food. Hiding her phone, etc.
> 
> I jumped the gun and bought a PI to follow her. Turns out she has been screwing her coworker that I’ve met on multiple occasions. He’s younger and more fit than I am (though I’m taller and due to my job, am probably alot stronger). His position is high up, so he makes a lot more money than me. He’s also divorced, so nothing I can use as leverage. Yesterday, I followed him in my car when he left work. I was hoping for him to meet with my wife. He stopped at a store and went in. I walked in as well and started to talk to him. He actually immediately starting apologizing and was very forthcoming with information. How long it had lasted, where they’d go, etc. He then told me that one day, they both took the day off and spent time at my house. They lost track of time and the three oldest came home after school (oldest drives them) and caught them on the couch. They initially screamed at her and he left. She texted him later and said it all fixed and that they won’t tell me what happened. He said she never disclosed what she did to make them stay quiet, but after that, they mostly went to his place, and that if he did come over to my house, they’d be weary of the time.
> 
> ...


DO NOT GO BACK HOME if you do not have to. If you have some other place to stay, go there and reflect on what is going on. Hopefully if you need to go to work you can go from there. Text your daughters you need time to think and being home is not the place to do that. Also ask them did you know the affair continued even after they caught their mother? Then leave it at that and tell them you are shutting your phone off and will turn it back on when you are thinking clearer.


----------



## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

I too agree that your wife has taught your 3 older daughters that it’s ok to not only betray your husband but bringing OM into the marital home and bed is not too much. Now the question is what’s the next lesson they will learn? That there are consequences for your actions or that you can get your way through manipulation? 

That your wife brought This POS into your your home and most likely had sex on your marital bed is sick but that she not only continued the affair but continued to bring him into your home is really callous of her. If OM is single, why go to your house at all? Marking his territory? You better be doubly sure that he really is single. He may have a live in girlfriend. If so, definitely expose him too.

Also, since your PI must have given you hard evidence, you should blow them up at work. If he is her superior, he will at the very least be reprimanded and put on notice to end it. and speaking of at work, that is where you should have her served. It has a powerful impact on the WW, which I have personally witnessed in 2 different offices. They both had complete meltdowns.

Please do not self medicate with a bottle. You need your wits about you to deal with what must be done. Your daughters MUST see that actions have consequences, or your be setting them up to do exactly like their favorite parent in their future families. Expose your wife to her family and let them also know that she involved your daughters
in covering up her betrayal, which btw was carried out in your marital home for at least 1.5 years.


----------



## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> *He then told me that one day, they both took the day off and spent time at my house. *
> 
> I assume this occurred in your marital bed a time or two possibly? The three oldest caught them on the couch?
> 
> ...


read this over and over again.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@AloneandLost Depending on where you are in your life if this is a very new situation I would see your Doctor first, *then *see a lawyer.

You need to establish exactly how your wife got your children to be silent. Threats of violence? Threats that if they told you, she'd make sure they never saw you again? Lies, that either you knew about her affair and were comfortable with it, or that you cheated first?


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

jparistotle said:


> DO NOT GO BACK HOME if you do not have to. If you have some other place to stay, go there and reflect on what is going on. Hopefully if you need to go to work you can go from there. Text your daughters you need time to think and being home is not the place to do that. Also ask them did you know the affair continued even after they caught their mother? Then leave it at that and tell them you are shutting your phone off and will turn it back on when you are thinking clearer.


I always wonder if a man just never returning is an option. Hire an attorney, ask him to file for D, and let the attorney handle ALL communication. Never return to the "home", never speak to anyone in that home again, don't tell them where you have gone. Change your phone number or block their numbers. Just vanish.


----------



## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Rus47 said:


> I always wonder if a man just never returning is an option. Hire an attorney, ask him to file for D, and let the attorney handle ALL communication. Never return to the "home", never speak to anyone in that home again, don't tell them where you have gone. Change your phone number or block their numbers. Just vanish.


So never speak to his kids again????

Wonderful advice.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

SnowToArmPits said:


> Sorry man. Your wife has done you very, very wrong here.
> 
> Of course it's nice to get an apology, but honestly what's this one worth? I'm sorry I brought him into our house. I'm sorry I had sex with him, then had sex with you. I'm sorry I let him cum in my mouth, then kissed you. I'm sorry I had sex with him over and over and over again. A 'sorry' kinda loses any meaning in the face of what she's done here.
> 
> ...


She’s just sorry she got caught.


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

sideways said:


> So never speak to his kids again????
> 
> Wonderful advice.


The “kids” are adults. And they made their choice. There is another thread in here where the WW started affair with daughters BF, ended up marrying him. Daughter calls the AP “daddy”. The BH has ghosted all of them just for his own sanity.

Start life over, grey rock anyone that facilitated the affair, regardless of age or gender. The girls are mommas little darlings as guiltybas their skank mom


----------



## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Rus47 said:


> The “kids” are adults. And they made their choice. There is another thread in here where the WW started affair with faughters BF, ended up marrying him. Daughter calls the AP “daddy”. The BH has ghosted all of them just for his own sanity.
> 
> Start life over, grey rock anyone that facilitated the affair, regardless of age or gender. The girls are mommas little darlings as guiltybas their skank mom


So 17 + 13 yr old girls are "adults"??

What color is the sky in this world that you speak of?


----------



## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

AloneandLost said:


> I jumped the gun and bought a PI to follow her. Turns out she has been screwing her coworker that I’ve met on multiple occasions. He’s younger and more fit than I am (though I’m taller and due to my job, am probably alot stronger). His position is high up, so he makes a lot more money than me. He’s also divorced, *so nothing I can use as leverage*


That may not be true. Is he a supervisor? Is he your wife's boss? If so, you can tell his superiors and if they are smart, he could lose his job since this opens them up to a lawsuit, whether it was consensual or not. Happened where I work. The superior lost his job, but not the woman he was banging because she could sue.



> Like i said, I’m planning on going home either tonight or tomorrow. I need advice on what to do and what to say. I don’t know how I’ll react. What should I say to my wife? My kids? I’m on the verge of a meltdown.


If it were me, I'd simply look at her with disgust and say very little. Fix yourself something to eat, let her apologize up and down and just say, "to be honest, I haven't decided what to do yet" and let that eat at her for a few days.


As far as what to do, it will take some time for you to think. Are you thinking of divorce? I know for me, and what I actually did do, that would be the first thought in my mind.

All I can tell you is, if you are thinking of divorce then go see an attorney without letting her know. Get your ducks in a row way before.

If you are thinking of staying, then there needs to be some rules, and yes, some restrictions on her. Such as, if she were the type to go out with friends to bars, parties, etc, that s*** should now be over.

She either acts like a wife, or make it so she isn't one any longer.


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Btw, one learning from OP. By hiring a PI when he suspected, he got to bottom of it immediately. Who What Where When. If he had played PI he would still be trying to get info he needed. Proly shortened his misery by months maybe years


----------



## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Rob_1 said:


> Jesus man, I'm so sorry for you and your pain. Let me enforce what everyone is telling you: DON'T GO HOME JUST YET and stay non contact until you know what's your game plan will be. GET A LAWYER NOW. do not over think this. It's a MUST.
> 
> Having say that I will give you my personal view on this, but I'm not you so take what you can, discard the rest or all of it.
> As a man, I don't give a crap about the who, why, when, how, all I care as a man that have self respect, dignity, and self worth is that she did.
> ...



this is an excellent response by Rob. I agree with him 100% on everything he said. I hope OP listens and follows it. This post is definitely savable.


----------



## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

sokillme said:


> So I sent you here. Many of the folks here have gone through what you have.
> 
> First of all I want to tell you that you will be alright, I know you don't feel like it now but you will survive.
> 
> ...



In fact, I wouldn't put it past the wife to be using the daughters by having them call OP and beg for him back. While they may want Dad back, the wife is so manipulative that she is capable of it


----------



## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

MattMatt said:


> @AloneandLost Depending on where you are in your life if this is a very new situation I would see your Doctor first, *then *see a lawyer.
> 
> You need to establish exactly how your wife got your children to be silent. Threats of violence? Threats that if they told you, she'd make sure they never saw you again? Lies, that either you knew about her affair and were comfortable with it, or that you cheated first?


I agree with Matt here wholeheartedly. First of all, I personally believe there is nothing to save here at all. I understand reconciliation, but it takes a very cold person to involve children in affair secrets. I could never forgive someone for doing that.

as to what Matt is saying, I think it is imperative that you learn exactly what was said the children to keep them quiet.


----------



## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

jlg07 said:


> His daughters should also NOW be beyond any $$$$ support also. THEY should now get jobs to pay for their own college, insurance, etc.. What they did was SUPER disrespectful of the father, and honestly, really sh*tty.
> They are adults, not little kids that don't know any better - time they learn that they need to grow up and be responsible for themselves. The Daddy ATM should be stopped.
> 
> Get to the best shark lawyer you can -- you will need it.


exactly !!


----------



## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

LATERILUS79 said:


> I agree with Matt here wholeheartedly. First of all, I personally believe there is nothing to save here at all. I understand reconciliation, but it takes a very cold person to involve children in affair secrets. I could never forgive someone for doing that.
> 
> as to what Matt is saying, I think it is imperative that you learn exactly what was said the children to keep them quiet.


The OP will never learn what she said to the children. Why would he trust anything they have to say? They sided with their mother to betray their father. OP has stated in the post that they are closer to her than to him. Liars and cheats offer many pretty words and empty promises. Pay attention to their actions to know whom you are dealing with.

If their mother asks them to lie and help her make false allegations of abuse or violence against the OP shouldn't be surprised if they readily comply and sink another knife into his back.

The less he communicates with any of them at this point the better. They will remain unaware of his intentions and unable to counter or sabotage his efforts. Anything he says to them he may as well say to his wife because the children will tell her all.


----------



## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

sideways said:


> So 17 + 13 yr old girls are "adults"??
> 
> What color is the sky in this world that you speak of?


They are 17 year old twins and 18 years old. The youngest is the one that is supposedly not aware. They are old enough to understand that their mother was having sex in the marital home and most likely the marital bed. That’s old enough to demand real answers from their mom. Instead they lied to their father by omission. Is it because she has been bath mouthing their dad or said that he knew about the affair, or that he cheated first? The OP is not looking to punish or cut off his daughters but he should call out their betrayal and expect them to explain why they covered such a betrayal.


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

sideways said:


> So 17 + 13 yr old girls are "adults"??


The 13 years old is not involved according the OP. The two 17s and the older sister are the ones involved. At 17 regardless of them not being legally considered an adult, they are old enough to fully comprehend and understand from a morally point of view what their betrayal means. Depending on how the mother was able to make them keep quiet, and what the extent of their knowledge is, I would make a judgment as to cut them out of my life or not. And make not mistake here, if they were my daughters, and they were fully on board with the knowledge and acceptance of their mother's affair, I would cast them out of my life. That's a fact.


----------



## Sparky282 (11 mo ago)

I’m so sorry for what you are going through. My heart breaks for you.

First you have gone through an actual trama. That is not an exaggeration. You need to take a couple of weeks with limited contact with your daughters and wife to really contemplate what you will do. Also actions need consequences that is a reality. For you wife and your daughters.

Your temporary silence will be more powerful than any heart to heart talk will ever do and it will give you time to think and get it together. But it will not help your pain. For That you have your wife to thank. She destroyed your family for sex.

I know everyone always says talk to a lawyer but there is a reason that is standard advise. The number one reason is information. A lawyer can advise you as to good and bad behaviors that will help you. We do not know all the details of your life or the laws of your state. Also knowing all your options can help you make sound decisions. There is just no way right now you can make good decisions and this is a clear step you can do while you are in this holding pattern. Know

Make no mistake your life, marriage and family are over. It cannot be fixed. You can only build a new one. If reconciliation is what you chose.

You cannot trust your wife right now. At all. She is not your friend right now. Not in anyway. Also her head is also very damaged and not clear right now so she may not be evil but you cannot trust she will make rational choices.

I would serve your wife with divorce papers. Many lawyers in this space have said that when the cheater is served with papers the real character comes out. If she really loves you and wants to save the marriage she will do any thing to stop it. I would not return until after she is served. But a lawyer will tell you if that is a good idea.

You need to sell your house if you can. They had sex in it. It will always be a trigger for you now. And it will be a good consequence. If you split the money will help you both start over if you stay together it will be the start of a new life. You will never heal there now.

something quick you can do is tell your daughters to go home and immediatelythrow out all living room and bed room furniture immediately. Anything that man touched.They are already involved so don’t feel bad. And I mean everything. It’s all a trigger for you. Tell them you are going to do it anyways so it better be done. You are in charge now. They need to move mountains for you. You cannot negotiate, tell them. Throw it all out and tell them to get an air mattress.

Also if your wife textyou again ask her if she went to work. If she wants the marriage there should not be one thought in her brain she is keeping her job and she needs to turn herself and him into their HR. She owes you his job. If she does not do it you will but after you talk to a layer and after the divorce.

You cannot be weak right now. I know it’s hard. God I feel for you so bad.

Tell all family, get some friends to talk to you need some support. See if your job has an employee assistance program, some counseling could help.

also one last time please take more time before you go home. Silence is very powerful. Don’t go back at least until you have spoken to a lawyer. Make that the minimum time table.

sending you strength. You can get better from this but you need to be strong.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Rus47 said:


> I always wonder if a man just never returning is an option. Hire an attorney, ask him to file for D, and let the attorney handle ALL communication. Never return to the "home", never speak to anyone in that home again, don't tell them where you have gone. Change your phone number or block their numbers. Just vanish.


I could never do that to my children.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Rob_1 said:


> The 13 years old is not involved according the OP. The two 17s and the older sister are the ones involved. At 17 regardless of them not being legally considered an adult, they are old enough to fully comprehend and understand from a morally point of view what their betrayal means. Depending on how the mother was able to make them keep quiet, and what the extent of their knowledge is, I would make a judgment as to cut them out of my life or not. And make not mistake here, if they were my daughters, and they were fully on board with the knowledge and acceptance of their mother's affair, I would cast them out of my life. That's a fact.


I could never do that to my children. 
None of us have a clue about what was said to them to keep them silent. They are just teenagers and in no way responsible for this mess. It was deplorable that she made them take sides. 
He needs to meet with them to find out what was said, not throw them under a bus. Besides that he has a younger child as well so will be seeing her anyway and working it out with the children us very important. 
As for his wife, she has behaved terribly, especially if she did tell the girls that the affair would stop.


----------



## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Young at Heart said:


> First of all my heart goes out to you. You have been delt a terrible situation.
> 
> I hope this message finds you in time so that you* don't go home either tonight or tomorrow.*
> You need to figure something out before you talk to you family. In your current state you are likely to say some very ugly things that can never be unsaid. As has been said, you need to have a plan and you need to know what it is you want to discuss with your wife and your daughters and stick to that plan and if you start to deviate, tell them that you have to leave and that you can talk more later.
> ...





Young at Heart said:


> First of all my heart goes out to you. You have been delt a terrible situation.
> 
> I hope this message finds you in time so that you* don't go home either tonight or tomorrow.*
> You need to figure something out before you talk to you family. In your current state you are likely to say some very ugly things that can never be unsaid. As has been said, you need to have a plan and you need to know what it is you want to discuss with your wife and your daughters and stick to that plan and if you start to deviate, tell them that you have to leave and that you can talk more later.
> ...



I like all of the advice above.

Very well said.

I would diverge on one point. That regarding your daughters. They betrayed you as well. They are old enough to know this, at least the three older ones. 

This is an ADULT TEACHING MOMENT for them. They were complicit. They now need to know the difference between what kind of character their mom is and what kind of character all 3 need to have moving forward. They won't learn that if there are no consequences for them and your STBXW. The consequences for the latter is obvious. The consequences for the 3 daughters is up to you but they shouldn't be let off the hook. Your wife will continue to manipulate them.

They also need to respect you. They have taken you for advantage. It is pathetic. Dad was an ATM. I was closer to my Dad, my brother closer to my Mom but that was more of a personality thing than anything.I had equal respect and love for them both even though my Dad was very accomplished and well respected. When he died in my youth, my brother seemed to care less than me and my Dad didn't do anything to deserve that, just like you didn't do anything to deserve the treatment at their hands regarding this incident or even before. 

You need to command their respect. Now is the time to set those boundaries. They enabled your marital failure at the hands of your wife's epic failure. Now you have them owing you. Now is the time for you to shape them once and for all before they go into aduthood


----------



## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

GaLaxya said:


> Wow. Your wife may be some sort of psycho or sociopath or what ever. If she is such, her daughter might have inherit her personality traits. Most likely.
> 
> No matter what is wrong with your wife, itbseems her daughters are the same. As you said they prefer hanging out wuth her way more then with you.
> 
> ...


yes I agree with much of this


----------



## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Rus47 said:


> The “kids” are adults. And they made their choice. There is another thread in here where the WW started affair with daughters BF, ended up marrying him. Daughter calls the AP “daddy”. The BH has ghosted all of them just for his own sanity.
> 
> Start life over, grey rock anyone that facilitated the affair, regardless of age or gender. The girls are mommas little darlings as guiltybas their skank mom


Rus, can you PM me the link to that thread ? Thanks


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> I could never do that to my children.


That's you . I'm not you. But as I said, it all would depend on what their involvement is and how.

Hopefully we will hear from OP soon with an update of what's going on in his mind and if he already is making any moves toward what he has decided to do, if he has decided anything yet.


----------



## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Rob_1 said:


> The 13 years old is not involved according the OP. The two 17s and the older sister are the ones involved. At 17 regardless of them not being legally considered an adult, they are old enough to fully comprehend and understand from a morally point of view what their betrayal means. Depending on how the mother was able to make them keep quiet, and what the extent of their knowledge is, I would make a judgment as to cut them out of my life or not. And make not mistake here, if they were my daughters, and they were fully on board with the knowledge and acceptance of their mother's affair, I would cast them out of my life. That's a fact.


yes. agreed


----------



## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

jsmart said:


> They are 17 year old twins and 18 years old. The youngest is the one that is supposedly not aware. They are old enough to understand that their mother was having sex in the marital home and most likely the marital bed. That’s old enough to demand real answers from their mom. Instead they lied to their father by omission. Is it because she has been bath mouthing their dad or said that he knew about the affair, or that he cheated first? The OP is not looking to punish or cut off his daughters but he should call out their betrayal and expect them to explain why they covered such a betrayal.


I certainly agree the older ones are old enough to understand what was going on. I also can understand how disappointed OP is that his kids didn't tell him.

That said, my previous post was in response to the advice of NEVER speaking to his kids again. Now does that sound like wise advice to you??

Maybe, just maybe, when the OP is ready, he can sit his kids down (without their mother around) to hear them out and why they never told him. What did their mother tell them? What else do they know? And any other questions he has that he needs answers to.

At which point he can use this as a teaching moment to explain to them what this has done to him and so that they can see things from their Father's perspective. 

And I stand by my comment that a 17 year old is a kid and NOT an adult. 

Also, more than likely OP marriage is over. He's got enough to deal with right now, and some of you are WAY OUT OF LINE suggesting that he should kick his kids to the curb as well. 

Did they mess up? Yes. However they're still his kids for crying out loud. I thought being a parent was loving your kids unconditionally even when they mess up.


----------



## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

marko polo said:


> The OP will never learn what she said to the children. Why would he trust anything they have to say? They sided with their mother to betray their father. OP has stated in the post that they are closer to her than to him. Liars and cheats offer many pretty words and empty promises. Pay attention to their actions to know whom you are dealing with.
> 
> If their mother asks them to lie and help her make false allegations of abuse or violence against the OP shouldn't be surprised if they readily comply and sink another knife into his back.
> 
> The less he communicates with any of them at this point the better. They will remain unaware of his intentions and unable to counter or sabotage his efforts. Anything he says to them he may as well say to his wife because the children will tell her all.


Dude. The oldest is 18. Do I think they know what cheating is? Yes. OP said that the girls were yelling at their mother when this happened. They are also still very young and impressionable. OP said they highly regard their mother. I think his wife used that to her advantage to manipulate the children into thinking this was ok. They are still very dependent upon learning from their parents about being good adults. There is no question in my mind that a teenager listening to a parent they highly respect could be told something so that they question their own morality. This of course makes the wife even that more sick that she would teach her daughters that cheating is ok.

if we were talking about a 25 year old daughter that lived out of the house, I would have a lot less sympathy. I don’t think anyone would understand truly how bad cheating is as a teenager compared to a grown adult that has been with a spouse for many years.

I do think his daughters will tell the truth. I think they are scared of losing their father. I think they will spill every last thing they know.

mostly, I think he needs to know just how much manipulation went on with the kids. He is still a father to those girls. He still needs to parent them. He needs to fix the HORRIBLE parenting job his wife did. Last thing he needs is for 4 girls to grow up thinking that cheating is ok if you can get away with it!!!!


----------



## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

17 years old is old enough to be shipped off to war and old enough to get married, so they are old enough to fully understand the depth of their mother’s betrayal of not only having a sexual PA but of bringing the OM to the house.

I don’t agree with cutting off the daughters but I also don’t believe it should just be swept under the rug as though this was just a small white lie. They saw their mother in the house with another man. Who knows if they were actually going at it or were post coital on the couch. At the very minimum, they should have read their mother the riot act and make her fearful enough to stop the affair or at the very least stop bringing him to the home. Doesn’t look like they did that.


----------



## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

jsmart said:


> 17 years old is old enough to be shipped off to war and old enough to get married, so they are old enough to fully understand the depth of their mother’s betrayal of not only having a sexual PA but of bringing the OM to the house.
> 
> I don’t agree with cutting off the daughters but I also don’t believe it should just be swept under the rug as though this was just a small white lie. They saw their mother in the house with another man. Who knows if they were actually going at it or were post coital on the couch. At the very minimum, they should have read their mother the riot act and make her fearful enough to stop the affair or at the very least stop bringing him to the home. Doesn’t look like they did that.


exactly. When I was 17, my Dad had just died, my Mom was depressed, I was in high school, working a job, my brother was several states away at college and I kept it togetherx and provided for the household. I knew the difference between right and wrong. These girls are old enough to drive back and forth from school, they know what's right. 

Even if I ever walked in on my mom and some other guy and mom tried to manipulate me, I would definitely go to dad and inquire or be highly doubtful of Mom's side of the story.

My question is how OP is doing. He said some worrisome things and hasn't posted back yet.

I hope he stayed away from the home and lawyered up already. His wife was probably one of those SAHM type stories who went back to work and became corrupted. 

I hope he has enough in himself to get a D, I hope his 3 daughters go away to school just to get out of his space and I hope he works on the 13 year old because that will probably be the best one in the camp by the time it's all over. She doesn't need to be learning from the other 3. The other 3 need their own development re-examined.


I was one who mentioned cutting off the daughters but then also felt that maybe this is a big teaching moment but with a teaching moment comes consequences. Consequences, followed by long discussions about morality and showing them that their mom is a corrupted individual who is not a role model.

Someone here mentioned that by watching their mom cheat, they could potentially follow in those footsteps. I agree with this if this is not corrected


----------



## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

LATERILUS79 said:


> Dude. The oldest is 18. Do I think they know what cheating is? Yes. OP said that the girls were yelling at their mother when this happened. They are also still very young and impressionable. OP said they highly regard their mother. I think his wife used that to her advantage to manipulate the children into thinking this was ok. They are still very dependent upon learning from their parents about being good adults. There is no question in my mind that a teenager listening to a parent they highly respect could be told something so that they question their own morality. This of course makes the wife even that more sick that she would teach her daughters that cheating is ok.
> 
> if we were talking about a 25 year old daughter that lived out of the house, I would have a lot less sympathy. I don’t think anyone would understand truly how bad cheating is as a teenager compared to a grown adult that has been with a spouse for many years.
> 
> ...


Dude,

18 yr olds are not helpless, naïve nor are they stupid. It is a mistake to assume they are easy to manipulate. It is also a mistake to underestimate them. You seem to suffer from white knight syndrome where women can do no wrong regardless of what has transpired.

People of all ages lie and cheat. They lie because they fear what they might lose or what consequences may result from the truth. They also lie to protect those they are loyal to.

He will never know how much manipulation went on with the kids until it is too late of course. Yes he is their father but do they care about him or what he provides for them. Is he loved or merely a plow horse and atm. That hasn't yet been determined and it is both unwise and foolish for the OP to underestimate any of them.

If you want to know who you are dealing with pay attention to what they do, not what they say. What the OPs daughters have done at minimum warrant caution and suspicion. Perhaps they made an error in judgement. It is folly to automatically assume so.


----------



## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

LATERILUS79 said:


> Dude. The oldest is 18. Do I think they know what cheating is? Yes. OP said that the girls were yelling at their mother when this happened. They are also still very young and impressionable. OP said they highly regard their mother. I think his wife used that to her advantage to manipulate the children into thinking this was ok. They are still very dependent upon learning from their parents about being good adults. There is no question in my mind that a teenager listening to a parent they highly respect could be told something so that they question their own morality. This of course makes the wife even that more sick that she would teach her daughters that cheating is ok.


wife probably lied and told the daughters that their dad himself was cheating, so it was ok

i sincerely hope the AP did not have any physical contact with the daughter. no telling how warped that wife is.


----------



## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Talker67 said:


> wife probably lied and told the daughters that their dad himself was cheating, so it was ok
> 
> i sincerely hope the AP did not have any physical contact with the daughter. no telling how warped that wife is.


I thought about that too


----------



## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

wmn1 said:


> I thought about that too


I expect it was more like:
"I will stop with OM, I really made a mistake. Please forgive me. Telling Dad will destroy the life we have and will cause a divorce, driving him away from us. Please don't do that to your young sister."

Lies & Manipulation.


----------



## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

The worst thing you can do is drink alcohol of any kind. Sure, it numbs the pain for a few hours. But it will screw up chemicals in your brain and make you worse. Forget about bars! You don't want to be intoxicated while raging inside. Its a recipe for doing something stupid. 

Get a pair of boxing gloves and a punching bag to get rid of some of that anger and rage.

You have been married a long time. I am not going to say leave her. But obviously something has been wrong in the relationship for a while whether its her, you, or a combination. Maybe with open communication and a therapist, you two can work through this and come out stronger.


----------



## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

There is a lot of poo being thrown toward his kids without enough information. None of you have obviously come from toxic parents who put you in situations to choose loyalty. Express love through secrets. Try to make you feel responsible for their well being. And what do you think their mother would say if one of them told? “You’ve destroyed our family and lives.” To an adolescent person with a developing brain trying to find their identity and place in the world… this is a massive blow. 

Listen, he needs to talk to his daughters and figure out how far the mother has gone to manipulate them. Judging by their reactions, they have carried this terrible burden for how long? Maybe at this point they’d rather turn away from their mother when he explains it was inappropriate and ABUSIVE to put her children in such a horrible position. I’m glad you all were so perfect and smart at SEVENTEEN to refuse to be manipulated by the person who is supposed to love and protect you and tell you what’s best. 

This argument is not helpful for supporting OP, he’s got to wrestle with the betrayal, his wife, the hurt of having these secrets put upon his kids, lawyers, doctors. Can we let the man take a breath before we suggest he burn his house and children too? Let him at least get the story from his girls first.


----------



## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

QuietRiot said:


> There is a lot of poo being thrown toward his kids without enough information. None of you have obviously come from toxic parents who put you in situations to choose loyalty. Express love through secrets. Try to make you feel responsible for their well being. And what do you think their mother would say if one of them told? “You’ve destroyed our family and lives.” To an adolescent person with a developing brain trying to find their identity and place in the world… this is a massive blow.
> 
> Listen, he needs to talk to his daughters and figure out how far the mother has gone to manipulate them. Judging by their reactions, they have carried this terrible burden for how long? Maybe at this point they’d rather turn away from their mother when he explains it was inappropriate and ABUSIVE to put her children in such a horrible position. I’m glad you all were so perfect and smart at SEVENTEEN to refuse to be manipulated by the person who is supposed to love and protect you and tell you what’s best.
> 
> This argument is not helpful for supporting OP, he’s got to wrestle with the betrayal, his wife, the hurt of having these secrets put upon his kids, lawyers, doctors. Can we let the man take a breath before we suggest he burn his house and children too? Let him at least get the story from his girls first.


Well said!!


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Hey @AloneandLost ... How ya doing today?


----------



## AloneandLost (11 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> I expect it was more like:
> "I will stop with OM, I really made a mistake. Please forgive me. Telling Dad will destroy the life we have and will cause a divorce, driving him away from us. Please don't do that to your young sister."
> 
> Lies & Manipulation.


this. Almost exactly.There’s just a small piece of info that you omitted but there’s no way you could’ve known it. I’m gonna mention you in my update about myself meeting with the girls. This is also my first reply. I wasn’t gonna reply to anyone but I had to after how close you came to it.


----------



## EveningThoughts (Jul 12, 2018)

Plenty of good advice here, so I won't add to it.
I'm only here to speak about your daughters, as I was that daughter, that found out their mother had invited a man round one evening when my father was away. I even had to hide some evidence left behind. (No evidence of sex, just of his presence when he shouldn't have been there).

That's hard for a young teen to deal with. They do not have the experience or maturity that adults have. I had no sexual or romantic experience to compare it to, so did not understand the depth of feeling involved.

It was such love of my father that kept me quiet. Why would I hurt him? Why would I risk losing him from the home and family?
They may have thought they were protecting you in some way, like I did. I was told it wouldn't happen again and shouldn't have happened then.


----------



## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

QuietRiot said:


> There is a lot of poo being thrown toward his kids without enough information. None of you have obviously come from toxic parents who put you in situations to choose loyalty. Express love through secrets. Try to make you feel responsible for their well being. And what do you think their mother would say if one of them told? “You’ve destroyed our family and lives.” To an adolescent person with a developing brain trying to find their identity and place in the world… this is a massive blow.
> 
> Listen, he needs to talk to his daughters and figure out how far the mother has gone to manipulate them. Judging by their reactions, they have carried this terrible burden for how long? Maybe at this point they’d rather turn away from their mother when he explains it was inappropriate and ABUSIVE to put her children in such a horrible position. I’m glad you all were so perfect and smart at SEVENTEEN to refuse to be manipulated by the person who is supposed to love and protect you and tell you what’s best.
> 
> This argument is not helpful for supporting OP, he’s got to wrestle with the betrayal, his wife, the hurt of having these secrets put upon his kids, lawyers, doctors. Can we let the man take a breath before we suggest he burn his house and children too? Let him at least get the story from his girls first.


I couldn't agree more! I was in a situation like that growing up. My dad clearly suffered anxiety and mood changes, he could be joking and laughing, then two hours later he is screaming your name and accusing you of doing something bad. But he would flat out deny having issues. I told him one day you need help and he said, you don't understand what you are even saying. He viewed admitting to having problems and seeking help as a weakness. One good example is my half brother seeking treatment for anxiety and anger as an adult. My dad would make comments like you don't need that crap (meds). Its not going to do anything, just man up and deal with it. 

My mom was emotionally immature and not involved in anything. The two of them would get into heated arguments and I would hear my mom yell you see how your dad is acting and the hurtful things he is saying to me???? My dad would then yell something like your mom is acting crazy right now! See what I have to put up with?

It would get so petty to where they would start breaking each others stuff. Or frivolous accusations and name calling..... I was 11 maybe 12 and would sit there not knowing what to say or do. They would finally stop and just go to separate rooms. I remember one Christmas morning when I believe I was 8. After opening gifts and enjoying the morning, they got into it over who knows what. Next thing I see is my dad out back burning his gift in a barrel fire and my mom yelling at him from inside.

I never understood why they stayed married. My dad died a few years ago. My mom seemed like she was crying her eye's out but I never saw any actual tears. The very next day she was going through the house throwing away anything that belonged to him.


----------



## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

AloneandLost said:


> this. Almost exactly.There’s just a small piece of info that you omitted but there’s no way you could’ve known it. I’m gonna mention you in my update about myself meeting with the girls. This is also my first reply. I wasn’t gonna reply to anyone but I had to after how close you came to it.


What a terrible thing to do to your daughters.
They must've been so tormented by this.
Get counseling for them asap.

You've got a real winner for a wife. R wouldn't be on the table if it were me.
That's a lot of damage she did to the family.


----------



## AloneandLost (11 mo ago)

EveningThoughts said:


> Plenty of good advice here, so I won't add to it.
> I'm only here to speak about your daughters, as I was that daughter, that found out their mother had invited a man round one evening when my father was away. I even had to hide some evidence left behind. (No evidence of sex, just of his presence when he shouldn't have been there).
> 
> That's hard for a young teen to deal with. They do not have the experience or maturity that adults have. I had no sexual or romantic experience to compare it to, so did not understand the depth of feeling involved.
> ...


Does he know that you know? Did he ever find about her affair?


----------



## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

sideways said:


> First let me say, I understand your disappointment about your daughter's not telling you, but you have no idea what your wife told them and remember they're just kids. Nobody wants to be the bearer of bad news and can you imagine the position they were put in knowing their mom was betraying you. You may not be that close to them but they were put in a NO win situation by your wife. I'm sure they're overwhelmed with guilt right now and thus why they're blowing up your phone. They're your kids, they should have NEVER been put in this position (as kids). Be disappointed but hear them out and give them grace and mercy. It's a teaching moment





Diana7 said:


> Personally I would arrange to meet with the three older daughters out somewhere and have a good talk. Find out what was said to them. Assure them that you love them and that this isn't their fault. They were caught in the middle of the mess she created.





Young at Heart said:


> You have a unique opportunity to mentor your daughters. Three of them are of an age where they have likely started dating and if you are very luck you will have an opportunity to walk them down the aisle at their weddings. Most likely if you handle things well both you and your ex-wife will be invited to their weddings. They got themselves involved in something that was way over their heads and they know it. They are very afraid of how you will react to them, as they should be. Now is your chance to show them what a real man looks like and acts. there is this think called affirmations or self hypnosis. You need to repeat, preferably aloud that you love your daughters, you want to be a role model for them, but you love them and want to show them your love during these troubled times. Tell yourself that you need to be strong for them. Tell yourself that your wife is human and like all humans she is a flawed creature struggling to live a good life. That she made many horrible mistakes, but that you do not need to lower yourself to her level. Tell yourself that you are going to be calm, peaceful and not pour gasoline on a fire she has started. Tell yourself that you will not allow your soon to be ex wife do anything to make you angry. If she somehow ignites an anger response in you that you will politely excuse yourself and leave. Repeat these thoughts over an over until they become part of a new you.





Young at Heart said:


> You should have a separate meeting with your daughters and absolutely not have it in front of their mother. Figure out your plan. Tell them that this is a personal matter between you and your soon to be ex wife. They don't need to know what you know about her or how the two of you are going to dissolve the marriage. Your meeting with your daughters should focus on that you love them and that you will always be there for them. That you will quite likely be doing things in the divorce that they may seem will be strange, but they need to know that you will be fighting for them, their college educations, and their futures. They need to trust your love for them. Tell them that they can text you at anytime and that they can visit with you or you will visit with them, but not anywhere near your soon to be ex-wife. Tell them that your soon to be ex-wife has hurt you deeply, but what happened was something she did and not anything they did. Again, don't tell them what you know what their mother did. Tell them not to fight with their mother and that they should not take sides in what has happened or what will happen. Tell them that you spent many years loving their mother and she blessed your life with them. Tell them that this will be very hard on all of them. That one of the things they will need to think about is custody after the divorce. Tell them that you love them deeply and want to be part of their lives for the rest of their lives.





MattMatt said:


> ou need to establish exactly how your wife got your children to be silent. Threats of violence? Threats that if they told you, she'd make sure they never saw you again? Lies, that either you knew about her affair and were comfortable with it, or that you cheated first?


Please, listen to the above quoted posts


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

sideways said:


> And I stand by my comment that a 17 year old is a kid and NOT an adult.


If the D's are 17 and they don't know right from wrong by NOW, they never will. They are adult enough to drive a car -- they are adult enough to know that they should have told their father what they found.


----------



## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> I could never do that to my children.
> None of us have a clue about what was said to them to keep them silent. They are just teenagers and in no way responsible for this mess. It was deplorable that she made them take sides.
> He needs to meet with them to find out what was said, not throw them under a bus. Besides that he has a younger child as well so will be seeing her anyway and working it out with the children us very important.
> As for his wife, she has behaved terribly, especially if she did tell the girls that the affair would stop.


And these are the specifics that need to be known. I am very curious if the girls knew the affair continued after catching their mother. That would be very bad. I am also curious if the mother used fear tactics to get them to be silent. There are things here that could have been done that I would sympathize with but still can’t rug sweep. Things need to be talked out. There are other things that would gut me. We don’t know the specifics yet and maybe OP doesn’t either.


----------



## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> I could never do that to my children.





Diana7 said:


> I could never do that to my children.
> None of us have a clue about what was said to them to keep them silent. They are just teenagers and in no way responsible for this mess. It was deplorable that she made them take sides.
> He needs to meet with them to find out what was said, not throw them under a bus. Besides that he has a younger child as well so will be seeing her anyway and working it out with the children us very important.





sideways said:


> t which point he can use this as a teaching moment to explain to them what this has done to him and so that they can see things from their Father's perspective.
> 
> And I stand by my comment that a 17 year old is a kid and NOT an adult.
> 
> ...





EveningThoughts said:


> Plenty of good advice here, so I won't add to it.
> I'm only here to speak about your daughters, as I was that daughter, that found out their mother had invited a man round one evening when my father was away. I even had to hide some evidence left behind. (No evidence of sex, just of his presence when he shouldn't have been there).
> 
> That's hard for a young


This, all this


----------



## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

jlg07 said:


> If the D's are 17 and they don't know right from wrong by NOW, they never will. They are adult enough to drive a car -- they are adult enough to know that they should have told their father what they found.


Driving a car and being put in a tough situation like this are miles apart in the world of responsibility. 

At 17 years old, their only worry should be enjoying their senior year of high school, keeping up grades, and researching scholarships to plan for college.

It doesn't matter what they know, said, or didn't say. Their parents irresponsible relationship decisions are not the daughters responsibility. They should not be made to feel guilty in any way for what they said or didn't say. Its emotional abuse to make them feel guilty or to take sides.

I seriously cannot believe some of the things people say or believe....Light is faster than sound and explains why some people appear bright until you hear them speak 🤣


----------



## Lotsofheart73 (Oct 13, 2021)

OP, please look into a family counselor for you and your daughters to hash this out. Maybe some friends or coworkers can give you referrals.
I see many posters stating “they’re adults” “they know it’s wrong” etc. But realize that even at 17, they do not have the life experiences to understand the gravity of their wrongness. Even the most mature 17, 18, 19 year olds cannot possible have the life experiences to give them true understanding of what has occurred. Get some professional help. See if they are willing to attend a meeting with family counselor. They may be more close to their mother now, but things change over the years. If they won’t go or stick to their mom in this mess, let them know you love them and your offer for family counseling with them is a standing offer.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> Driving a car and being put in a tough situation like this are miles apart in the world of responsibility.
> 
> At 17 years old, their only worry should be enjoying their senior year of high school, keeping up grades, and researching scholarships to plan for college.
> 
> It doesn't matter what they know, said, or didn't say. Their parents irresponsible relationship decisions are not the daughters responsibility. They should not be made to feel guilty in any way for what they said or didn't say.


I will respectfully disagree -- they need to understand the consequences of what they choose to do.
IF they had said something when they found out -- at least their relationship with their father wouldn't have been damaged.


----------



## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

I would forgive the human being (also called Ex, and I did so) but I would not accept her back as my partner (and never did it).
May be I´m biased cos I love my three daughters more than my own life.
Teach them well. To be able to do it, don´t loose them.
That´s also what I did.


----------



## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

jlg07 said:


> If the D's are 17 and they don't know right from wrong by NOW, they never will. They are adult enough to drive a car -- they are adult enough to know that they should have told their father what they found.


We all have to remember here yes they are 17 and 18, yes they are old enough to know right from wrong, but are they mentally mature enough to handle this kind trauma, discovering their mother with another man in their house? I don't know if it reasonable to expect the daughters to act like a clear thinking mature adult in this situation. 

I find the posts about cutting the daughters off, refusing to pay for their college etc. sounds like revenge porn to me, I get the knee jerk reaction being that, but a little bit of thought tells me thats not the move, you don't cut your kids off in this situation. You make damn sure they know what their mother did was disgusting and her asking them to be part of the lies and deceit was equally as bad. They were put in an impossible situation. I know some people would have liked them to immediately run to the OPs side tell him what they found and cut their mother out of their life forever but that is a lot to expect from kids.


----------



## Lotsofheart73 (Oct 13, 2021)

And OP, to let you know where I’m coming from. I’m a late 40s wife and mom of 3. (1 son & 2 daughters). All are 18 or under and still at home. Married 20+ years. First & only marriage for me & hubby. No infidelity that I’m aware. Lots of rough patches last 9 years or so. Plus looking back on myself at 17, I would not have known what the hell to do in that situation. Can you not recall some of your thoughts from your 17 year old self now and think “what the hell was I thinking”???
Please get family counseling set up for you & daughters.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

happyhusband0005 said:


> We all have to remember here yes they are 17 and 18, yes they are old enough to know right from wrong, but are they mentally mature enough to handle this kind trauma, discovering their mother with another man in their house? I don't know if it reasonable to expect the daughters to act like a clear thinking mature adult in this situation.
> 
> I find the posts about cutting the daughters off, refusing to pay for their college etc. sounds like revenge porn to me, I get the knee jerk reaction being that, but a little bit of thought tells me thats not the move, you don't cut your kids off in this situation. You make damn sure they know what their mother did was disgusting and her asking them to be part of the lies and deceit was equally as bad. They were put in an impossible situation. I know some people would have liked them to immediately run to the OPs side tell him what they found and cut their mother out of their life forever but that is a lot to expect from kids.


I wasn't suggesting cutting off the from the KIDS -- and yes, the college/etc. WAS a strong overreaction before having all the facts. IF the mother manipulated them, clearly that would be over the top. I still strongly feel that they need to understand that what they did was wrong -- they need to have some sort of consequence for what they did. It is up to the OP to decide what those consequences should be....


----------



## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

jlg07 said:


> I wasn't suggesting cutting off the from the KIDS -- and yes, the college/etc. WAS a strong overreaction before having all the facts. IF the mother manipulated them, clearly that would be over the top. I still strongly feel that they need to understand that what they did was wrong -- they need to have some sort of consequence for what they did. It is up to the OP to decide what those consequences should be....


Not unreasonable, what the mother did I'm sure has had a pretty serious psychological effect on them. They need to here it from him. The message should probably be something like keeping the secret was wrong but you never should have been put in this position.


----------



## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

jlg07 said:


> Wow, nice that you react with snark right away -- I guess you don't know how to have civil discourse?
> 
> I am not being self-righteous in this case -- I am stating that they damaged the relationship with their father by their inaction, and they need to understand the consequences of that inaction.
> I have certainly had many consequences when I did something wrong or bad -- and I learned from that.
> They need to learn from this.


Is your name Greg by any chance? I have a female friend I have known for over 20 years. She is a good mother but her ex sounds just like you. His kids had no relationship with him and he would say idiotic things like its their responsibility to keep a relationship going. 

Both her and I have the same belief that the relationship between a parent and kid is the responsibility of the parent, NOT the minor. 

At this age, they are right at the edge of starting their adult life. I know if I was in the same situation, I would tell my daughter not to concern herself with the marriage. I want you to focus on school, scholarships, finding a college, and thinking about a career choice to begin your adult life


----------



## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Had a similar divorce situation a few years back, and Mom had managed to get the eldest child on her side. When the crap hit the fan, Dad had little alternative. He told his WW that he was divorcing her, and that as a consequence of her actions with their eldest, he had no alternative but to disown his eldest daughter. The nuclear explosion in the family was impressive. Daughter turned on Mom. Told all of Mom's secrets, and a few lies. Dad was steadfast. He requested full custody of the youngest, as his evidence against Mom and eldest was fairly iron clad. Even CPS was taken aback at how Mom got her child to cover for her, help in arranging trysts, and OM was bribing the kid as well. Dad's requests were taken very seriously, and in the course of time, Dad got full custody of the youngest. He paid child support on his eldest until she was 18. If she decided to go to higher ed, he would have continued support. She did not. She hoped that her Dad would soften, and consequently did not ask to be subsidized through school. He never again talked to his exWW. He remarried several years later, and he did soften somewhat toward his eldest. Their relationship is not close, but at least he is back in her life.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> Is your name Greg by any chance? I have a female friend I have known for over 20 years. She is a good mother but her ex sounds just like you. His kids had no relationship with him and he would say idiotic things like its their responsibility to keep a relationship going.
> 
> Both her and I have the same belief that the relationship between a parent and kid is the responsibility of the parent, NOT the minor.
> 
> At this age, they are right at the edge of starting their adult life. I know if I was in the same situation, I would tell my daughter not to concern herself with the marriage. I want you to focus on school, scholarships, finding a college, and thinking about a career choice to begin your adult life


No, not Greg.
WHERE in my post -- ANYWHERE -- did I saw that it was the kids responsibility for keeping a relationship with their father? IF so, please quote that back to me.

I SAID that they DAMAGED the relationship by keeping this from him. Did you NOT read his first post and how hurt he was? Are you saying somehow that the relationship was NOT damaged?

I am also not suggesting in any way (not sure HOW you could have surmised that from ANYTHING I said) the the daughters were supposed to be involved in the marriage.

Do you HONESTLY think that the Daughters NOT telling their father was the correct thing to do? You think them NOT telling him was not being involved? By NOT telling him, they were just as involved as if they told him.
It is not THEIR fault that the mother cheated -- they are not the one's that would have damaged the marriage.


----------



## Asterix (May 16, 2021)

I'm not sure if this has been brought up or not. I didn't see it at least in the first few pages. 

OP, do you know for sure if all the kids are yours?

You do need to get a STD test along with a consultation with an attorney. 

I think on top of that, I'd like to suggest that you get paternity tests done as well. This may not be her first affair.


----------



## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

jlg07 said:


> No, not Greg.
> WHERE in my post -- ANYWHERE -- did I saw that it was the kids responsibility for keeping a relationship with their father? IF so, please quote that back to me.
> 
> I SAID that they DAMAGED the relationship by keeping this from him. Did you NOT read his first post and how hurt he was? Are you saying somehow that the relationship was NOT damaged?
> ...


I don't think you get it.... The daughters should not be placed in any position to feel guilty for what they said or didn't say regarding their parents irresponsible relationship decisions. 

This is NOT their problem and they have other things they need to focus on. And its really sad you are putting the blame of a damaged relationship on the back of a 17 year old... Part of being a parent is taking responsibility as an adult and protecting your kids from drama like this. 

I myself think these two parents should provide counseling to their daughters. Then offer a listening ear to them when or if they want to talk about this whole situation. What they saw and witnessed was traumatic to them. I can guarantee they are deeply affected by this and don't know how to fully process it.... Then we have you sitting here suggesting they need to face some kind of consequences for their actions because in your eyes they are old enough to drive, so they are adult enough to face consequences? Wth?!?!

And I do not for a second believe the daughters were wrong for keeping quiet. I can only imagine the pain a 17 year old girl would feel being the messanger of such devastating news.


----------



## Asterix (May 16, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> *I could never do that to my children.*
> None of us have a clue about what was said to them to keep them silent. They are just teenagers and in no way responsible for this mess. It was deplorable that she made them take sides.
> He needs to meet with them to find out what was said, not throw them under a bus. Besides that he has a younger child as well so will be seeing her anyway and working it out with the children us very important.
> As for his wife, she has behaved terribly, especially if she did tell the girls that the affair would stop.


Diana7, I would urge you to ask yourself this question: Would you have done to your dad what these daughters did to @AloneandLost ?

Some dude said something along this line here. "ask not what you could never do for your daughters, ask what and why your daughters did that for you"


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> I don't think you get it.... The daughters should not be placed in any position to feel guilty for what they said or didn't say regarding their parents irresponsible relationship decisions.
> 
> This is NOT their problem and they have other things they need to focus on. And its really sad you are putting the blame of a damaged relationship on the back of a 17 year old... Part of being a parent is taking responsibility as an adult and protecting your kids from drama like this.
> 
> ...


Well, i DO get it, and i will just have to disagree with you. They are adults and they were wrong in not telling him. I don't think coddling them helps them in life. You think otherwise and that's ok.


----------



## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

jlg07 said:


> I wasn't suggesting cutting off the from the KIDS -- and yes, the college/etc. WAS a strong overreaction before having all the facts. IF the mother manipulated them, clearly that would be over the top. I still strongly feel that they need to understand that what they did was wrong -- they need to have some sort of consequence for what they did. It is up to the OP to decide what those consequences should be....


But they are going to have consequences, they are getting them now...their father is brokenhearted because of their mother, he feels betrayed because of them (and they clearly feel the weight of that), and their home may be broken up. 
Their security of a happy, carefree life and family has been shattered forever.

Those are devastating consequences. No one has to orchestrate anything worse, this will affect them for the rest of their lives.


----------



## EveningThoughts (Jul 12, 2018)

AloneandLost said:


> Does he know that you know? Did he ever find about her affair?


I never spoke of it to anyone, I was far too embarrassed, and no where near brave enough. 
I didn't catch anything physical, just friendship in my case, a too close friendship.
Yes I think she told him in a round about way not long after. 
My parents obviously had some serious problems that needed sorting out.


----------



## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

@LisaDiane , you’re right about them already facing some consequences. I suspect those will get worse when OP files for divorce and the family is officially torn apart and the family home that their mother desecrated will be sold. Those are very real consequences that they will feel for the rest of their lives. Over the coming months as the pieces of their shattered Family start to fall, they will be racked with guilt for not saying something. 

OP sounds like a family first type of guy, so I’m sure he will accept his daughter’s apologies and try to ease their guilt by telling them that he doesn’t blame them. But inside he will suffer in silence as he knows the whole family didn’t have his back.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I think it's important to put what happened in context, these are still kids without fully developed brains and they are just as abused as OP. The wife manipulated and took advantage of them the same way she did OP. However that doesn't mean they were not made a part of the crime so to speak. They need to learn from this so that they can never be taken advantage again.

So it's just important that OP tell his daughters how he feels, partly as a chance to try to mend the relationship built on honesty. He needs to deal with those feelings and get them out in the open so they don't fester. In the end this can be a lesson for them about standing up for the innocent which he was in this case. It was an impossible spot no doubt and that is all on the Mom, but the lesson can still be that you choose the innocent person over the guilty one.

Also about the fact that OP's wife stole his agency and his ability to make an informed choice, and returning that is more important then if the marriage survives or not. This would be the lesson and the values that I would want to teach my kids in this situation. Doing the right thing is more important even if the outcome is a difficult one. I personally believe the moral thing is to inform the innocent person and I would share that with my kids.

I think all of this can be done without shame and anger.

I would ghost the wife as much as possible. She really has no value to his life anymore and will only cause pain.


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

What’s your plan?

It’s terrible she brought him into your home - that signals an extreme level of disrespect.

I wouldn’t return home until she is served at work and leaves the home.

I’d order a new bed - she can take the one she desecrated.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

LisaDiane said:


> But they are going to have consequences, they are getting them now...their father is brokenhearted because of their mother, he feels betrayed because of them (and they clearly feel the weight of that), and their home may be broken up.
> Their security of a happy, carefree life and family has been shattered forever.
> 
> Those are devastating consequences. No one has to orchestrate anything worse, this will affect them for the rest of their lives.


That may in fact be enough consequences for them -- but not for me to decide. The OP needs to think on this.
The thing is -- those consequences are not THEIRS because of what they did. Those consequences are because of what his WIFE did.


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Severe and swift consequences are needed for your cheating wife.
What consequences do you plan to implement?


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

sokillme said:


> I think it's important to put what happened in context, these are still kids without fully developed brains and they are just as abused as OP. The wife manipulated and took advantage of them the same way she did OP. However that doesn't mean they were not made a part of the crime so to speak. They need to learn from this so that they can never be taken advantage again.
> 
> So it's just important that OP tell his daughters how he feels, partly as a chance to try to mend the relationship built on honesty. He needs to deal with those feelings and get them out in the open so they don't fester. In the end this can be a lesson for them about standing up for the innocent which he was in this case. It was an impossible spot no doubt and that is all on the Mom, but the lesson can still be that you choose the innocent person over the guilty one.
> 
> ...


I agree that his daughters are all going to suffer from the divorce. 

I expect that the father's savings will partially be taken from him so he has little disposable money. I expect that the cheating wife will have a financial collapse as well and that her "sugar daddy" divorced lover will not give her all the money she needs, as he wasn't paying for hotels and had to do it at her and her husbands house.

Unless the father fights in the divorce settlement to instead of have the community property assets divided into three pots of money, one for her, one for him, and one for future expenses of the daughters, those four daughters are going to be hure. If he fights for them, some of the equity in their home, etc. rather than being divided 50/50 may go into a trust where the two of the divorcing parents agree on some amount for college education, wedding, etc. of the daughters. 

If that doesn't happen, it will be just a year to a few years before the oldest three daughters could use a financial helping hand from mom and dad. What will likely happen then is mom will be broke and dad will be broke and try to come up with the money while mom tells them to see their dad and he makes more money. 

I also think that the custody question has not been addressed. The mom, if we have the whole story, is not morally fit to raise any of the daughters. The mom is probably not fit to even have them stay part time with her.

The oldest three need mentoring in how to find a decent man to fall in love with. They clearly will not get that from their mom. So, they need to get it from their dad. The 13 year old will also need that lesson in time, but she needs other character development lessions that her mom will not be able to provide her with.


----------



## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

I’ll be praying for you brother. “Truth” can be painful but better than lies.


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

wmn1 said:


> I like all of the advice above.
> 
> Very well said.
> 
> ...


I agree that they do need an adult teaching moment. How it is delivered is the question in my mind.

I think that based on their phone/text messages that they are scared and feel guilt (at least the older 3). I also think that the entire family will suffer financially from the divorce. 

I see that the three oldest 18/17/17, will soon be out of the nest, where that is with the mom or the dad. I would hate to see them by the trauma be driven into the arms of some boy friend who is not a caring man. Given them some tough love, could just drive them into an early marriage that has little chance to survive for long.

The 13 year old needs to have a strong moral mentor as to how to live life. I don't think she will get that from her mom.

The three older daughters did something very wrong. However, I think that as their world comes apart, that they will have time to reflect that they should have done things differently. I also hope that some responsible adult (not the mom) can explain that their are consequences to acting immorally, that it is important to find a man who will love, a woman and will stand by his family no matter what. Those are lessons that only her father is capable of giving them. If he makes them feel pushed away, I am not sure that they can learn those lessons.


----------



## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

jlg07 said:


> I do have a kid, and he is VERY well adjusted. Two of his friends just told him they wish we were THEIR parents, so....
> 
> Again, you can be as judgemental as you want. There is no hole in my logic -- there is just you suggesting that the kids have no responsibility for their actions -- so be it.
> 
> AND we are getting off topic. The REAL issue is his wife and what SHE did.


"There is just you suggesting that the KIDS have no responsibility for their actions"??

I thought they were adults? Now they're kids? Which is it?


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

sideways said:


> "There is just you suggesting that the KIDS have no responsibility for their actions"??
> 
> I thought they were adults? Now they're kids? Which is it?


YOU folks are saying they need to be treated like kids. It's your terminology. My position hasn't changed. 

Also personal attacks do nothing to help the OP, so perhaps you should move on? Make your own points instead of attacking mine. It is clear you don't agree with me, and that should be sufficient for the OP to see different sides.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> So your kids friends are telling you they wish you and your wife were their parents and you are soaking it up aren't you?.... Sorry, but that is very strange and bizarre that you are mentioning this.


I mention this because my parenting skills were attacked. I find it strange and bizarre that you and sideways seem to be hung up on me and seem to want to do personal attacks instead of debating the points. 
Again, this bickering does NOTHING to help the OP. You give him your ideas if you want to help him.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Asterix said:


> Diana7, I would urge you to ask yourself this question: Would you have done to your dad what these daughters did to @AloneandLost ?
> 
> Some dude said something along this line here. "ask not what you could never do for your daughters, ask what and why your daughters did that for you"


I have no idea what I would have done in that situation. As it happens my dad was having an affair when I was about their age but I didn't know about it till later. What I do know is that no parent should put their children in that horrible situation. I suspect that she used emotional manipulation to get them to keep quiet.


----------



## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

OP,

I hope the short amount of time that has passed since you found out has given you some clarity on your path forward. These first few days post D-Day will be some of the worst of your life.

For starters, the only path you can consider right now is divorce. Reconciliation could be an option (although won't be recommended by most on this board including me), but only after your wife takes the steps to show true remorse, which takes a long time. So you have to start thinking divorce... The next few months are going to be tough, but you have to be tough also and take action, or the painful period will extend to be much longer.

This will be a traumatic time for your kids, and as you know, they've very likely been worried this day would come since they saw the affair in progress (unusual twist that I can't say I've seen before).

You need do everything you can to act in a strong / resolute manner. State that the affair is completely unacceptable and therefore your wife has ended the marriage. You don't need to say it like you are deciding to divorce, say that she ended the marriage and there is no option on what comes next. You also can't forgive what you don't know, and you don't yet the full story of this affair.

This woman just crumpled up 22 years of your life and threw it out like garbage. This should make you angry. The anger is good at this stage if you use it to propel yourself into action, like STD testing, seeing a lawyer etc. You should try to convince your wife to move out. SHE caused this situation, so SHE be the one to suffer consequences, not you. At a minimum, move her stuff out of the master bedroom. Tell her to go live with the OM, he's single. Consider packing some of her bags and dropping them off at his house.

Remember, if she hadn't been caught, she'd still be with the OM, without a doubt.

You can consider doing paternity tests on your kids, more for effect than anything, to show your wife just how badly she broke your trust. That you now question everything she has ever done or said. 

I know this is hard, but she doesn't love you. She's spent about 10% of your marriage boinking the OM, and you don't know if he is the first time she's done this. You have to accept that the person you thought you married, didn't actually exist. She never showed her true self to you. You were scammed.

By being strong though this, you can set a solid example for your kids on maturity, and not accepting poor treatment from anyone.

You should ask her for a timeline of the affair, every detail...and let her know that she'll be taking a polygraph about it after she provides it.

Come back and post more if you can, there is a wealth of knowledge and experience around here, and it will help you.

Best of luck. Sorry this has happened to you.


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

AloneandLost said:


> *I wasn’t gonna reply to anyone but I had to after how close you came to it.*


@AloneandLost, I would recommend that you take in the information that you get in this thread and sift through it. You don't need to answer everyone, but it would probably be a big help for you if you continue to participate in this thread.

From what I have seen, on here and in life around me, the best response is to at least look into divorce and consider it as an option, even if you are considering how to fix your marriage. If you do have any ideas about how to resolve the marriage problems, I would not advise letting your wife know that. She needs to feel the full brunt of what her behavior has caused. 
You could ask her to leave the house and stay somewhere else, so you can go back home. The children should all remain in the home with you. She is the one who broke this. She is the cause of all this drama. She should be the one outside of the home right now. Tell her that you need time away from her to get your head straight and she is the one who needs to leave. See what she does with that.


----------



## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

jlg07 said:


> YOU folks are saying they need to be treated like kids. It's your terminology. My position hasn't changed.
> 
> Also personal attacks do nothing to help the OP, so perhaps you should move on? Make your own points instead of attacking mine. It is clear you don't agree with me, and that should be sufficient for the OP to see different sides.


They are kids!! At 17 years old, she is most likely a senior in high school. 

And no, I dont think anyone is agreeing with the idea that a 17 year old should face consequences of not delivering such devastating news to her own father. She is probably going to feel extremely guilty and feel like she hurt her mom, and she will feel the same with her dad. She will probably also partially and falsely blame herself for breaking up her parents....This is extremely immature and terrible parenting advice you are giving. Are you so full of pride that you have no empathy or ability to see the big picture? 

Again, why on Earth would you even imagine for a second of putting your child into a no win situation like this? Why would you do something to tarnish her senior year and risk her chances of scholarships or even graduating because her grades fall from this guilt burden???

I would do everything possible to ease the pain and keep their minds off of this during this important transition in their life. 

Even as an adult, I would find it devastating to tell a friend that his wife was cheating.


----------



## seadoug105 (Jan 12, 2018)

People need to just STFU! It’s not a tit for tat back and forth to argue who’s opinion is right. It’s a forum to advise and support those dealing with infidelity. Most specifically this OP!

BTW those who have to go out of their way to tell others how wrong they are…. Should really spend a little more time focusing inward. You need to shout down, correct, etc others; show a lack of emotional maturity & self control.


----------



## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

Young at Heart said:


> The three older daughters did something very wrong. However, I think that as their world comes apart, that they will have time to reflect that they should have done things differently. I also hope that some responsible adult (not the mom) can explain that their are consequences to acting immorally, that it is important to find a man who will love, a woman and will stand by his family no matter what. Those are lessons that only her father is capable of giving them. If he makes them feel pushed away, I am not sure that they can learn those lessons.


Agree with you


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

@AloneandLost Brother hang in there. This **** is tough. I’ve been there done that. Worst pain I’ve ever felt in my life. Until you experience it you can’t understand the pain of infidelity. The pain of the betrayal Is horrendous to say the least.

However I will tell you that you are stronger than you realize and you need to dig down deep in times like this and tell yourself via positive affirmation I can and will get through this **** storm. Repeat this mantra daily.

Attitude is everything in a situation like this. I know this is hard as I speak from experience. But the people on this thread the seasoned veterans smacked me upside of the head with advice that pointed me in the correct direction.

I will encourage you strongly to educate yourself on the 180. This is sort of a fake it till you make it approach but it’s helped me immensely becoming different over a six week period. I realized I would be fine with or without my wife. I went radio silence for six weeks. This drove her bat **** crazy according to my daughter.

I would encourage you to read two books the first be no more Mr. nice guy which is an easy read and the second one grow a pair the Larry Winget. Easy reads and good advice.

Ghosted my formerly wayward wife for six weeks. We reconciled on Christmas Eve long story but she realize the pain I was carrying internally and felt horrible.

was able to reconcile due to the fact my wife was totally honest with me and did not try to trickle truth me but once but I told her one more omission and she was toast. She knew I meant business. She also knew my son and daughter meant business. Her mother meant business. Her siblings meant business. And my siblings meant business. Yes exposure. A little same goes along way in the situation such as if you are in. Use it to your advantage.

Definitely consult legal counsel about contacting human resources or personnel where your wife is employed. If POSOM was her superior his ass is grass most likely. You may a nice financial settlement.

please do not get down on yourself and feel you did something to cause this. You did nothing to cause this. She did this all on her own it is not a mistake it is a conscious decision to cheat. Pure and simple she did not just fall on his ****.

keep in mind you are under stress and you must manage the stress and not let it destroy your health. Please eat healthy drink plenty of water try to get plenty of sleep and stay away from the booze. It will do nothing to help you it only makes your problem worse is it reappears after you sober up.

Consider hitting the gym nightly and exercising strenuously and become a lean mean dating machine and you get back on the market.

And as I told you in an earlier post please take care of your mental health. Critical during a situation such as you were experiencing now.

If you have questions please do not hesitate to contact me via p.m.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> They are kids!! At 17 years old, she is most likely a senior in high school.
> 
> And no, I dont think anyone is agreeing with the idea that a 17 year old should face consequences of not delivering such devastating news to her own father. She is probably going to feel extremely guilty and feel like she hurt her mom, and she will feel the same with her dad. She will probably also partially and falsely blame herself for breaking up her parents....This is extremely immature and terrible parenting advice you are giving. Are you so full of pride that you have no empathy or ability to see the big picture?
> 
> ...


Seriously, just can it already. Provide your advice to the OP.


----------



## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> @AloneandLost Brother hang in there. This **** is tough. I’ve been there done that. Worst pain I’ve ever felt in my life. Until you experience it you can’t understand the pain of infidelity. The pain of the betrayal Is horrendous to say the least.
> 
> However I will tell you that you are stronger than you realize and you need to dig down deep in times like this and tell yourself via positive affirmation I can and will get through this **** storm. Repeat this mantra daily.
> 
> ...


This is solid advice..... Another tip to throw in. Avoid drinking as a way to ease the pain. 

A friend of mine went through a divorce years ago. He started drinking a lot at night to dull the pain. It really messed up his mental health. He would be drunk and emotions hit him. He would punch the walls, cry, and rage. The next day he would be deeply depressed.


----------



## bookgrub (Sep 24, 2021)

@AloneandLost, your kids need to know that you still love them. They _also_ need to know that right now you can no longer trust them, and that they have hurt you deeply. That your relationship with them is not now and may never be again the same. They need to know that because it is the truth, and what this situation needs more than anything is a strong dose of truth.

One thing it may be helpful to clarify with your daughters, if they haven't realised it already. Their mother lied to them, and she lied to them _so she could use them_ to help her maintain a lie to you. It wasn't an accident; she intended to use your trust in them to help her hurt you.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

OP,
Some things to consider:

Youre hurting and you feel like your whole world has ended. You feel like you have nothing to look forward to.
When I went through this, I had all kinds of bad thoughts. 
Please don’t give in to the pain and fail to see the truth that you’re likely blind to at the moment.

You will be happy again.

Your lousy wife has given you the gift of showing you what a lousy, characterless person she is in such a horrid way that you can’t help but be done with her and now have the opportunity to find someone worthy of your love. Had she not done this, you might go through life never knowing how it feels to be loved by a truly good woman. She isn’t one.

I know that’s not what you want to hear, just want you to know this pain you’re in won’t last forever, it just seems like it will.


----------



## Davit Bek (Sep 9, 2021)

@AloneandLost I'm so sorry for all this. I will echo what many others have said that your children acted out of fear of losing you, fear of hurting you etc. We can all hope to do the right thing when the time comes, but we all miss at times. All of the responsibility lies on their mother. She had the opportunity to act righteously, and also offer them guidance in this situation. She rather chose to manipulate everyone. I would not recommend punishing the children, rather showing them how betrayed and hurt you felt by their dishonesty.

I also don't think your daughters don't love you or care for you, although they might have been taking you for granted.

Lastly, take the collective advice here seriously, specially those with the most thumbs up. It will save you from even more misery and help you recover much faster.

Don't forget, the only person's judgement that truly matters, is your own. Act with courage, strength, and honor and it will do wonders for your mental health, and self-steam, and self-confidence.

I pray for you, and look forward to watching you rise from the ashes like a phoenix.


----------



## Wideopn Dave (Apr 11, 2013)

@AloneandLost. Your situation is almost a carbon copy of my situation in 2012. My then 17yr old daughter caught her mother in our family home banging her affair partner when I was out of the country. Ex wife then begged my daughter not to tell me and that she was so ashamed and so sorry etc etc. Ex wife "promised" my daughter that she would come clean with me but since it was just before Christmas she begged my daughter to allow ex wife to wait until after Christmas.

After Christmas never came for me and only in February 2013 I discovered the affair "by accident" (a message on ex wife's phone which I innocently read thinking it was from someone else). My entire world exploded. Yes initially I asked myself why my daughter didn't say anything to me in December but then I realised a couple of things; firstly telling me would end the only thing she'd ever known ie an apparently happy family unit. Secondly, the torment my daughter went through seeing my ex wife behave normally toward me over Christmas and New Year was unimaginable. In essence my daughter was put in a position she NEVER should have been put in.

When I discovered everything I had a coffee "date" with my daughter and everything was laid out from both our perspectives. I saw then the intense pain my ex wife had inflicted on her child. Devastating to say the least. 

I tried to reconcile with ex wife between Feb and June 2013 until the advice and mentorship I received from TAM finally sunk in. There was nothing left to save in my case and I divorced by cheating sl*t ex wife.

Here's the thing though @alone...every one of us is different and so to there are subtle differences in every situation that brings us here. No two circumstances are identical. So you and ultimately only you are able to make the call on where you go from here.

To all the posters slamming the 18yr old and 17yr old twins just remember that they have been placed in a terrible situation by their MOTHER. A mother is supposed to be nurturing and caring by instinct. What this "mother" has done is depraved in my opinion; just as I feel in regard to my personal experience. Yes the older daughters know exactly what their mother did and of course they know its indefensible. BUT its not their fight. Its not for them to expose their mother's cheating. 

This is brought about for 2 reasons. At an instinctive level, if they've had a "normal" happy home upbringing for their whole lives, instinctively they want to hang onto that. They hope that what they saw was a nightmare and that it can all be fixed. That's what "happy home" kids do; they want to fix it. Remember even though they are 18 and 17 they still live at HOME. The "happy home". They're not live away young adults at college etc. I am quite sure that if that were the case, they probably would have reacted differently and possibly even exposed the mother to @AloneandLost.

For what its worth, I think writing off the older daughters as complicit in the betrayal, after what has been set out above, is not fair. They are between a rock and a hard place and should never ever have had to deal with this. I believe they simple were overwhelmed. Unlike my daughter as an only child, at least the three of them have each other and I am quite sure that if @AloneandLost sits down with them to discuss what happened there's going to be a big transition from "loving mom as favorite" to pushing mom away somewhat.

The person I feel for most, second only to @AloneandLost, is the 13yr old daughter who at least on the face of it is oblivious of the ****storm happening around her. She's probably been told that her dad's absence is just cos he's traveling for business or something similar.

@AloneandLost you need to have 2 seperate sit downs; one with the 3 girls and one with your 13yr old. Timing depends on circumstances.

For what it's worth I would divorce and move on but again that only comes from a place of a false attempt at reconciliation by my ex wife. Only you can decide what's best for YOU first and then second your 13yr old. The other girls will cope. Your WW...well she can deal with her own mess.

Wishing you wisdom and strength.


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Wideopn Dave said:


> I would divorce and move on


The OM also assured me it was over on d-day. I went to see him and woke his ass up in the middle of the night. Guess what ? It wasn't over. It continued for nearly 3 more months.
It was only when he recognized that he was going to have two wives instead of a wife and a girl friend that he stopped. He dumped her. If he hadn't, she would have been cheating to this very day, from 1986. 
When he went back to his wife and his family and reconciled, I no longer called him "POS". That is not true for her, however. I call her that to this day. I know, and I fully believe, that being dead does not exonerate one from his/her deeds of evil.

However, "divorcing and moving on", although it was the primary desire I had at the time, was impractical. Go see a lawyer. Make NO decisions now. Just get information. Find out where you stand, legally, financially, child support, custody.

I did an "emotional divorce". It was the best for my boys and for me in the given circumstances.


----------



## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

jlg07 said:


> I will respectfully disagree -- they need to understand the consequences of what they choose to do.
> IF they had said something when they found out -- at least their relationship with their father wouldn't have been damaged.


agreed. Too many people here wanting the kids to get a free pass. There needs to be consequences and a teaching moment here. One poster said we don't know the specifics but that goes both ways.

My concern is that the wife will keep manipulating her relationship with the kids to bring dad back, just to stab him again.

If she is doing this now, wait until he becomes an empty nester


----------



## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

jlg07 said:


> I wasn't suggesting cutting off the from the KIDS -- and yes, the college/etc. WAS a strong overreaction before having all the facts. IF the mother manipulated them, clearly that would be over the top. I still strongly feel that they need to understand that what they did was wrong -- they need to have some sort of consequence for what they did. It is up to the OP to decide what those consequences should be....


yes, I knee jerked too. However, I still think that they need consequences and to be taught wrong vs right before they follow their mom's way of living. The dad is in the perfect position to do this right now. If he doesn't take advantage of it, he may never have another chance


----------



## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

jlg07 said:


> Well, i DO get it, and i will just have to disagree with you. They are adults and they were wrong in not telling him. I don't think coddling them helps them in life. You think otherwise and that's ok.


agreed


----------



## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

jsmart said:


> @LisaDiane , you’re right about them already facing some consequences. I suspect those will get worse when OP files for divorce and the family is officially torn apart and the family home that their mother desecrated will be sold. Those are very real consequences that they will feel for the rest of their lives. Over the coming months as the pieces of their shattered Family start to fall, they will be racked with guilt for not saying something.
> 
> OP sounds like a family first type of guy, so I’m sure he will accept his daughter’s apologies and try to ease their guilt by telling them that he doesn’t blame them. But inside he will suffer in silence as he knows the whole family didn’t have his back.


this !!!!


----------



## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Young at Heart said:


> I agree that his daughters are all going to suffer from the divorce.
> 
> I expect that the father's savings will partially be taken from him so he has little disposable money. I expect that the cheating wife will have a financial collapse as well and that her "sugar daddy" divorced lover will not give her all the money she needs, as he wasn't paying for hotels and had to do it at her and her husbands house.
> 
> ...


very well put


----------



## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

OP, what are your thoughts moving on with both the wife and kids ? I am not saying to lump them all together as I have backtracked a little bit from my early posts, but not completely. However, it's been a few days.

Are they still blowing up your phone ?

Did you reach out to them again ?

What is your plan regarding residence ?

Did you contact an attorney ?

I think the people who say consequences for the kids as well as it being a teaching moment for them is right based on the limited info we have. That's all on you. Don't be surprised if she is still manipulating their contacts with you. I also agree with those who feel that the wife is the main culprit here and you have to walk away from her. However, the need to fight for yourself financially, emotionally and physically is now and decisive action is required. 

I am wishing you the best


----------



## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Young at Heart said:


> I agree that they do need an adult teaching moment. How it is delivered is the question in my mind.
> 
> I think that based on their phone/text messages that they are scared and feel guilt (at least the older 3). I also think that the entire family will suffer financially from the divorce.
> 
> ...


If I haven't said so already, I agree with you completely


----------



## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

You contiuously badger and bully jlg07. You shame him for his opinions and attack his morals and intelligence just because he has a different viewpoint on how to address problems with teenagers.

But that i what you do with everyone who disagrees with you don’t you? I have to say you are very practiced at it.


----------



## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

wmn1 said:


> agreed. Too many people here wanting the kids to get a free pass. There needs to be consequences and a teaching moment here. One poster said we don't know the specifics but that goes both ways.
> 
> My concern is that the wife will keep manipulating her relationship with the kids to bring dad back, just to stab him again.
> 
> If she is doing this now, wait until he becomes an empty nester


I don't think anyone has stated that these kids should "get a free pass". 

Most people here have suggested he sit his kids down at some point and hear them out on what went down and what their mother told them. You know, get the facts, and that he could explain to them what this has done to him..

Unlike you who flew off the handle and suggested he cut his kids off completely.


----------



## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

sideways said:


> I don't think anyone has stated that these kids should "get a free pass".
> 
> Most people here have suggested he sit his kids down at some point and hear them out on what went down and what their mother told them. You know, get the facts, and that he could explain to them what this has done to him..
> 
> Unlike you who flew off the handle and suggested he cut his kids off completely.


I may have 'flew off the handle' at first but then realized, after listening to him and other people here that the situation may be more complicated so I walked back my comments. 

I am all about him finding out his kids culpability but I also refuse to accept the position that they have no responsibility at 17 or 18 to invest in their family or to do what's right. Hell, I have a highway 2 miles from here named after an 18 year old who got killed in Iraq. Heroic on top of that. I was 17 and my dad was gone, my mom depressed, I was in highschool and working a lot of hours and I knew what was right and wrong. They did too. 

A number of us were stunned his daughters shut up and covered for mom. It triggered some of us. Until we get more info, we are being more reserved.

However, they adore their mom and watched her and covered for her so now we don't want them becoming her or furtherly manipulating the OP. He's already on an island.

He hinted in a post that she used the 'don't break up the family' gambit. That's why I backed off a little. However, if they at all supported this affair after initial discovery, that's a gamechanger and JLG is right in what he said as am I.

The OP conversation with them will tell everything but the OP has to be about himself first and foremost right now. His daughters are still being, IMO, manipulated by mom to get him back since it seems OM is gone. He can't be plan B forever. 

I agree with you that he has to separate the wife and his daughters in dealing with this. I am truly worried about this guy. He hasn't gone home, he hasn't had the conversations, his updates were extremely limited and for all we know, he hasn't taken any course of action. 

I agree his wife was the #1 badguy here. But I do believe in consequences and using this as a teaching moment for his daughters. Now is their time to grow into adulthood and they need to know what's right vs what's wrong and Mom has been their main venue and she is not qualified to take the dog out let alone leave an impression on them.

That's where I sit on this story right now. I am waiting for an update if he will provide one


----------



## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

AloneandLost said:


> this. Almost exactly.There’s just a small piece of info that you omitted but there’s no way you could’ve known it. I’m gonna mention you in my update about myself meeting with the girls. This is also my first reply. I wasn’t gonna reply to anyone but I had to after how close you came to it.


That she lied to your daughters to make them believe their silence would help keep the family intact must really anger you. I suspect that she also added that they wouldn’t be able to go to college. 

That having her daughters find her with another man wasn’t enough to guilt her into stopping the affair has got to be heart breaking but for her to continue bringing this POS into your house is on another level. I wonder how your daughters feel about their mother not only continuing the Affair but also that she kept using the family home as hotel.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

seadoug105 said:


> *MODERATORS*
> 
> Can we possibly get a TJ cleanup on the thread?
> 
> I don’t see how these can be helpful to the OP!


Moderators do not read every thread and every post. Please report threads jacks, and other issues, to moderators so we can deal with them.


----------



## sugarshack64 (11 mo ago)

AloneandLost said:


> We got married when we were both 22 (44 now). We have 4 great girls aged 18, 17 & 17 (twins), and 13. The youngest is oblivious to everything that’s going on. I thought my wife and I had a great relationship. We had our normal married couple fights, but nothing huge. For about the past year and a half, she has had spurts of being distant and cold, and being super affectionate and loving. I just ended up getting used to it. Some periods were very lonely and some were like a honeymoon phase. Well, the current period is a down phase, and I began getting suspicious. My wife would come home late and say she stayed at work. Or she’d go grocery shopping and be out for a very, very long time, but still come home with a normal amount of food. Hiding her phone, etc.
> 
> I jumped the gun and bought a PI to follow her. Turns out she has been screwing her coworker that I’ve met on multiple occasions. He’s younger and more fit than I am (though I’m taller and due to my job, am probably alot stronger). His position is high up, so he makes a lot more money than me. He’s also divorced, so nothing I can use as leverage. Yesterday, I followed him in my car when he left work. I was hoping for him to meet with my wife. He stopped at a store and went in. I walked in as well and started to talk to him. He actually immediately starting apologizing and was very forthcoming with information. How long it had lasted, where they’d go, etc. He then told me that one day, they both took the day off and spent time at my house. They lost track of time and the three oldest came home after school (oldest drives them) and caught them on the couch. They initially screamed at her and he left. She texted him later and said it all fixed and that they won’t tell me what happened. He said she never disclosed what she did to make them stay quiet, but after that, they mostly went to his place, and that if he did come over to my house, they’d be weary of the time.
> 
> ...





Luckylucky said:


> You know… you can stop listening. You can absolutely close your ear to the noise, and you have the right to silence. To listen to yourself. To simply do whatever you want to!
> 
> A simple explaination would suffice, so they don’t send an ambulance after you: ‘I would like to be left alone, I am safe, I am fine, I don’t know when I’ll be home, but I will be in touch when I’m ready’.
> 
> ...


Hang in there Pal. 
This is Purely your wife’s fault
Do not blame yourself or your children. They probably did not tell you because your wife said something to them that led them to believe she would end the affair.
I hate to say this but I agree with another post , for her to conduct a double life for so long, even after your children found out, she is a Sociopath.
That does not mean she does not want to reconcile but I do not know if she can change.
TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF , FIRST AND FOREMOST.
Definitely speak to a professional.
Do not go home while you are still so vulnerable no matter how much it hurts. Maybe see your children away from the house . They need to know how you are doing. Wife , not so much.
You do not need to decide right away what you will do long term.
Do you Live your wife
does she still Love you?
I am so sorry you are going through this. No one deserves it.
It sounds like you have not gotten from your marriage what a spouse should get for awhile.
You will have better. You deserve better.
preach out if you need to vent


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

happyhusband0005 said:


> Not unreasonable, what the mother did I'm sure has had a pretty serious psychological effect on them. They need to here it from him. The message should probably be something like keeping the secret was wrong but you never should have been put in this position.


I see this as a teaching moment. It's his chance to sit down with his children and have a good, open discussion with them. 

I also think that the children, teens, were put in a bad situation by their mother and did not know how to handle it. So, they chose to do nothing. This is all on their mother. 

The OP has probably lost his wife. The way he handles this will determine if he also permanently loses his children.


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> I don't think you get it.... The daughters should not be placed in any position to feel guilty for what they said or didn't say regarding their parents irresponsible relationship decisions.
> 
> This is NOT their problem and they have other things they need to focus on. And its really sad you are putting the blame of a damaged relationship on the back of a 17 year old... Part of being a parent is taking responsibility as an adult and protecting your kids from drama like this.
> 
> ...


The 17 year old is a young adult, she made a conscious decision to side with her mom on this matter. She had every right to tell her dad what they walked in on. She chose not to tell further enabling her mom’s affair. It just shows how a lot of women back each other up in this type of situation. I know for a fact my kids would have told me if they were in this situation.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I just deleted two long thread jacks. The tread jacks need to stop on this thread. 

Just a reminder here. If you don't agree with someone else's post, fine, post your opinion. But badgering someone for having a different opinion is not ok.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ABHale said:


> The 17 year old is a young adult, she made a conscious decision to side with her mom on this matter. She had every right to tell her dad what they walked in on. She chose not to tell further enabling her mom’s affair. It just shows how a lot of women back each other up in this type of situation. I know for a fact my kids would have told me if they were in this situation.


There are plenty of sons who also don't tell their mother that their father is cheating when they know that is going on. This is not a gender issue.

This too is a thread jack. Stop the thread jacking.


----------



## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

jlg07 said:


> That may in fact be enough consequences for them -- but not for me to decide. The OP needs to think on this.
> The thing is -- those consequences are not THEIRS because of what they did. Those consequences are because of what his WIFE did.


I agree with you about that, it IS all his wife. But I watched what my sister did to her teenage daughters when it came out that she had been cheating for about 16 of her 20yr marriage, and they have NEVER been the same.

He shouldn't bring any more punishment to them. I would let them know that they hurt me, but that I FORGIVE them for it, because they are going to need his love and support to get through the consequences of their horrible mother's actions.

My kids have had a much harsher life than my sister's kids had, and my kids are happy and well-adjusted, while hers are using drugs and alcohol and one has tried to self-harm. It's heartbreaking, and I don't think I will ever forgive my sister for it.

Two of my nieces refuse to speak to me because I rejected my sister's lies, but I told my other niece to tell them, I will never be angry at them for that, I will always love them, and I am ready to talk to them anytime they want to. And I mean it with all my heart.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Wideopn Dave said:


> @AloneandLost. Your situation is almost a carbon copy of my situation in 2012. My then 17yr old daughter caught her mother in our family home banging her affair partner when I was out of the country. Ex wife then begged my daughter not to tell me and that she was so ashamed and so sorry etc etc. Ex wife "promised" my daughter that she would come clean with me but since it was just before Christmas she begged my daughter to allow ex wife to wait until after Christmas.
> 
> After Christmas never came for me and only in February 2013 I discovered the affair "by accident" (a message on ex wife's phone which I innocently read thinking it was from someone else). My entire world exploded. Yes initially I asked myself why my daughter didn't say anything to me in December but then I realised a couple of things; firstly telling me would end the only thing she'd ever known ie an apparently happy family unit. Secondly, the torment my daughter went through seeing my ex wife behave normally toward me over Christmas and New Year was unimaginable. In essence my daughter was put in a position she NEVER should have been put in.
> 
> ...


Can I ask where everyone is now years later? How is your daughters relationship with your ex wife? Had your ex wife ever really understood what she did?


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

LisaDiane said:


> I agree with you about that, it IS all his wife. But I watched what my sister did to her teenage daughters when it came out that she had been cheating for about 16 of her 20yr marriage, and they have NEVER been the same.
> 
> He shouldn't bring any more punishment to them. I would let them know that they hurt me, but that I FORGIVE them for it, because they are going to need his love and support to get through the consequences of their horrible mother's actions.
> 
> ...


Just curious LD because i couldn't get that from your text, did her kids know that she had been cheating all that time? 
I have no doubt that when the OP comes back we will all learn more details if what the wife did to these kids. 
I am not trying to pour more salt into it, but HE is the one here who got complete screwed. The kids will be heartbroken over this, but still think he needs to be clear to them what their actions did to him.


----------



## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

wmn1 said:


> I may have 'flew off the handle' at first but then realized, after listening to him and other people here that the situation may be more complicated so I walked back my comments.
> 
> I am all about him finding out his kids culpability but I also refuse to accept the position that they have no responsibility at 17 or 18 to invest in their family or to do what's right. Hell, I have a highway 2 miles from here named after an 18 year old who got killed in Iraq. Heroic on top of that. I was 17 and my dad was gone, my mom depressed, I was in highschool and working a lot of hours and I knew what was right and wrong. They did too.
> 
> ...


I think we're all worried about him. We all look at things differently and although I may not have agreed or agree on some of what's at play here I certainly respect your opinion. 

Let's hope OP comes back and shares more and that he's able to get through this and that his relationship with each of his daughters gets stronger despite being in this position.


----------



## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

jlg07 said:


> Just curious LD because i couldn't get that from your text, did her kids know that she had been cheating all that time?
> I have no doubt that when the OP comes back we will all learn more details if what the wife did to these kids.
> I am not trying to pour more salt into it, but HE is the one here who got complete screwed. The kids will be heartbroken over this, but still think he needs to be clear to them what their actions did to him.


They knew about the last guy. My niece used to call me crying about seeing her mom sneak around, KNOWING it was happening, but her mom would gaslight her and then she would call me confused and afraid. She was 19 (and the oldest)...and it was like watching her having her skin rubbed off with sandpaper.

She didn't know what to do. Her mom told her that if she "told her dad lies" about her, then he would divorce her and ruin their family. She spun SO many lies and even mocked her own daughter for misunderstanding what "she thought she saw", and even getting our other sisters to gang up on her daughter to make her feel crazy and like everyone believed she was lying.

That was the last straw for ME. I told my sister that if she didn't tell her husband, I WOULD.

So she dumped him for the last guy, and proceeded to spin even more, worse lies about him to everyone to explain why she was an "abused wife" who wasn't responsible for her actions of cheating. She had repressed TRAUMA from being married to such a hateful man, AND she even told her teenage daughters that their father had RAPED her several times during their marriage.

And her daughters have never recovered from such a violent, selfish betrayal. It's almost like a premeditated murder.

So to me, what I see in those poor girls of the OP's are, young women who WILL NEVER BE THE SAME.

And I don't believe they need the burden of more responsibility for what their mother has done than they are already carrying, because now they are CHANGED FOREVER. And it's not fair. It's a vicious betrayal by their mother, and it will hurt them forever.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

LisaDiane said:


> They knew about the last guy. My niece used to call me crying about seeing her mom sneak around, KNOWING it was happening, but her mom would gaslight her and then she would call me confused and afraid. She was 19 (and the oldest)...and it was like watching her having her skin rubbed off with sandpaper.
> 
> She didn't know what to do. Her mom told her that if she "told her dad lies" about her, then he would divorce her and ruin their family. She spun SO many lies and even mocked her own daughter for misunderstanding what "she thought she saw", and even getting our other sisters to gang up on her daughter to make her feel crazy and like everyone believed she was lying.
> 
> ...


That just plain sucks. I agree that your sister was pretty evil doing that to them. From what you said, I'm not sure their kids were ever really aware of what was right and wrong.
If the OP's D's are in that same position, that certainly puts a VERY different spin on things.....


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@AloneandLost … how are ya doing?


----------



## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

Talker67 said:


> Grooming for WHAT?
> this is starting to get creepy





jlg07 said:


> Just curious LD because i couldn't get that from your text, did her kids know that she had been cheating all that time?
> I have no doubt that when the OP comes back we will all learn more details if what the wife did to these kids.
> I am not trying to pour more salt into it, but HE is the one here who got complete screwed. The kids will be heartbroken over this, but still think he needs to be clear to them what their actions did to him.


I am just curious as to what would be accomplished with him confronting his kids? He has stated he doesn't have the greatest relationship with them. 

Confronting his kids in my opinion would just drive a deeper wedge between them. It wont change what has happened . As you said, the kids will be heartbroken as it is. Why do you want to do something that would cause further grief for them? If anything, he should confront the mother for what she has put the family through as she is the root of this pain. The kids didn't make their mother cheat or bring a guy into the house.


----------



## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

sideways said:


> I think we're all worried about him. We all look at things differently and although I may not have agreed or agree on some of what's at play here I certainly respect your opinion.
> 
> Let's hope OP comes back and shares more and that he's able to get through this and that his relationship with each of his daughters gets stronger despite being in this position.


I absolutely agree on this. My focus is on him right now. He can handle his daughters separately but it seems like he has to tackle his wife head on. I truly wish the best for him and hope he updates


----------



## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

You should be disappointed in your kids. They were manipulated by the same person you have. Your WW lied to them too. They will need therapy as this can impact their ability to have a good relationship and may give them a negative view of marriage or relationships in general. They may have an inability to trust.

As for your WW you need to file D. You need to expose the affair.


----------



## Wideopn Dave (Apr 11, 2013)

sokillme said:


> Can I ask where everyone is now years later? How is your daughters relationship with your ex wife? Had your ex wife ever really understood what she did?


Briefly as the focus should be on @AloneandLost .... My daughter has a plutonic relationship with ex wife and the affair partner who ex wife end up marrying last year. I have no contact with ex wife since daughter's 21st birthday party.

Coming back to the thread and in particular the common (it seems mostly) opinion that the girls are complicit in the cover-up of the affair again I reiterate that OP should seek first to fully understand and perhaps be sympathetic to the position in which the girls were placed by their mother. They undoubtedly knew in their hearts that it was wrong to be put in a position where the mother asked for their "support".

My view (based on my own experience) is that the MOTHER took advantage of a strong relationship dynamic between herself and her daughters. I have little doubt that the mother is a manipulative narcissist. That could have included either bad mouthing the OP to them or alternatively the "waterworks and false I'm ashamed" approach followed by "please let me be the one to sort this out with Dad"... until OP sits down with the older girls and hears their side of the story it's not fair to blast them.

To also say they might get the impression from the mother that the behavior she displayed is acceptable is a bit contradictory to the view held by some that they should have known to expose the mother. If the view is that the girls are THAT impressionable that they would be so easily "taught" that the mother's behaviour is acceptable, then surely it would suggest that they are equally that impressionable to be swayed by the mother's request not to say anything to the OP.

Until shown otherwise I will stand by my opinion that the girls are pawns in a game that they didn't want to be in and in a situation between 2 adults that they should never have been put in.

@AloneandLost please check in with us here and remember to put on a filter because I do believe that some posters are coming from places of a lot of hurt and that may result in jaundiced views sometimes. Hell I know I still have zero time for my ex wife and her lies and deceit for years of our marriage and I would still willingly give the AP a push into a shredder. However, when it comes to someone else's (read your) situation, as I said in my first post here, everyone's situation although outwardly similar has it's own subtle differences and those differences can mean a step change in how things are approached.

For your own self care I would suggest that you first spend some time on you without neglecting your 13 yr old because like you she's completely innocent in this whole thing. Sort out for you whether there is anything worth saving and whether you can go through the (very) painful process of reconciliation in the knowledge that you may put in enormous amounts of emotional capital only to have the whole thing blow up in your face. Sometimes reconciliation works, sometimes not. That is one of your toughest decisions to make.

For now, don't think too far ahead until you have a handle on the pain and anger this has caused. For me that took 3 weeks to even get my head around the fact that the affair had happened and that my daughter was put in the middle of it.

Take your time within reason and as some have said implement a hard 180. Get into the gym or onto a bicycle / into running shoes and exercise. It's a release of pent up pain and anger with the benefit of positive physical outcomes.

Stay strong and remember a lot of people care.


----------



## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> I am just curious as to what would be accomplished with him confronting his kids? He has stated he doesn't have the greatest relationship with them.
> 
> Confronting his kids in my opinion would just drive a deeper wedge between them. It wont change what has happened . As you said, the kids will be heartbroken as it is. Why do you want to do something that would cause further grief for them? If anything, he should confront the mother for what she has put the family through as she is the root of this pain. The kids didn't make their mother cheat or bring a guy into the house.


God knows what kind of young women his daughters are growing up in to with this sort of immoral behaviour from their mother! Him confronting them would be the least he could do to try and address this and make them understand what the right way to behave is.


----------



## Landofblue (May 28, 2019)

Alone and Lost. How are you doing? Check in when you can. We care about you and how you are.


----------



## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Showed this to my business partner, she had one where the kids found out and kept their mothers secret. Dad disowned the lot of them. He instructed his lawyer to give them the absolute minimum, and he was gone. He never saw his kids again. He remarried and started another family. This was made apparent when his eldest with the WW was marrying. He sent a family picture of his new family and said that his former family was dead to him. Over the years it grated on his older children, they blamed their mother. ExDad did well in business and his former kids caught wind and wanted to try to redeem themselves (and to possibly get in on a large estate) They were told that there was a long standing RO. They blame mom.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

My eldest son saw his mother’s phone and all the men she was communicating with, possibly some of the vile pictures and such she was sending them. She of course told him to keep quiet or it would just cause her and I problems and we’d divorce. He did. When I found out and told him I was divorcing her and although I didn’t tell him why, he had tears rolling down his face and said he knew. He told me he was sorry, he didn’t know what to do. I of course was disappointed but too in shock to really comprehend what she was.
of course she tried to make me out a monster to my kids.
Guess what? As they have grown, they see how she is, they see her values, they see who she married and how she treats him. 

OP, your girls will be exposed to the bad side of your wife. They will learn how selfish and disloyal she is, because she will show it to them. Don’t feel you have to punish them or disown them. If they continue to stand with their mom and simply use you as your STBX wife has done, you can just let your relationship with them run it’s natural course and leave them to the kind of life that users earn.
Your girls should have told you. My son should have told me. But all this stuff isn’t as easy as it seems when they know it’s going to cost them their family, and when they too are in shock. Nobody wants to think their parent is capable of such vile behavior. It messes their head up.


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Taxman said:


> Showed this to my business partner, she had one where the kids found out and kept their mothers secret. Dad disowned the lot of them. He instructed his lawyer to give them the absolute minimum, and he was gone. He never saw his kids again. He remarried and started another family. This was made apparent when his eldest with the WW was marrying. He sent a family picture of his new family and said that his former family was dead to him. Over the years it grated on his older children, they blamed their mother. ExDad did well in business and his former kids caught wind and wanted to try to redeem themselves (and to possibly get in on a large estate) They were told that there was a long standing RO. They blame mom.


A poster with handle Arkansas tells similar story. One of his kids (son) ghosted the WW. The daughter calls AP “daddy” while asking her real father for money.


----------



## curious234 (Jan 28, 2017)

Hey man, get hold of yourself. Do not act negatively by drinking etc. Do your other things like jobs even better. Keep your head up , do not act compulsively, keep calm in your handling this, what has happened has happened. Make the best out of what is left. It is sexy to keep your head up in the face of adversity. Especially do not give your WW and kids (who I assume have less bonding to you) an excuse to say husband/dad is weak and acting like a person out of control. It will give your kids an example of how strong a person you are compared to their W mother. Your family is not your emotional support now. have a close relative/s or a friend/s in the loop for support and advice
lol the POS must have been really scared when you talked to him to tell you everything and your WW must be very proud of him for telling you everything


----------



## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

sideways said:


> I think we're all worried about him. We all look at things differently and although I may not have agreed or agree on some of what's at play here I certainly respect your opinion.
> 
> Let's hope OP comes back and shares more and that he's able to get through this and that his relationship with each of his daughters gets stronger despite being in this position.



well enough. These types of threads bring out the worst and enable a lot of speculation from all sides. It's all good, Sideways. I am glad that the kids weren't on Mom's side, I am frustrated that the kids were used.

Now, for cheap sex, the STBXW now will lose her husband, her relationship with her kids and a significant portion of her net worth. She deserves all of that


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Evinrude58 said:


> Your girls should have told you. My son should have told me. But all this stuff isn’t as easy as it seems when they know it’s going to cost them their family, and when they too are in shock.


My rotten XW told me that my elder son said "...OM is the father he always wanted...".



wmn1 said:


> Now, for cheap sex, the STBXW now will lose her husband, her relationship with her kids and a significant portion of her net worth. She deserves all of that


Well, mine didn't lose any portion of her net worth. She continued to live in a home that I provided. However, she lost her relationship to my elder son, and to her husband. Deserve ?
Yes. She engaged in egregious and vile behavior and acts.

My prayer then, was that she would repent of her evil and turn to her Savior for His forgiveness. Hell wasn't made for man...... however, some are going to be there. I prayed fervently that she would choose wisely with her remaining life.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm closing this thread because the OP, @AloneandLost has an update thread. You can check that one out....

(Update) My wife of 22 years cheated and my daughters know | Talk About Marriage


----------

