# Trial Separation this summer



## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Many of you have heard my story over the last almost 2 years. My h and I will be married 2 years this July and we've had sex 3 times since marriage. We have not had sex since Oct 2010. He didn't sleep in our bedroom for 10 months. I've been living as a roommate for a long time. He is now sleeping in our bed, but we don't touch and I feel that I am sleeping with a stranger.

We tried mc. Was a mess. He blames me for not continuing it, but I hated it. All that happened in mc was that he cried and cried and the counselor spent all the time talking to him about his feelings. Then we'd go home and everything would go back to "normal". 

He's said many times that he will make the changes necessary. Just give him one more week. But, nothing's changed.

At this point, I don't love him. Not like a wife should love a husband. I'm ready to leave. 

Advice from TAM has been to leave, but I wanted to try to save my marriage. Tonight was that final attempt. I talked to him about what had gone wrong. Where did we lose ourselves. How can we get back. His response was tears and "I don't know what to do". I talked to him about counseling. He is very depressed and very low on himself. He said that nobody can help him. I finally said that in 3 weeks I will be on summer break and I plan to visit friends and family this summer as a trial separation. We can't afford a temporary home right now, but that would give us time apart. 

He just gets angry and says "Well, you've made up your mind then." I told him that I was open to suggestions as to what we should do, but he wouldn't give any. I refuse to live in limbo any longer. He's got to get help and learn how to have relationships with people. He's not only shut me out, but his 2 kids as well since we married. Maybe this will be the wake up call for him? If not, I'm gone. 

So, decision made. And he knows. Now, I plan for being by myself all over again. Does it get easier? Will there be a time when I can finally break down and mourn for my marriage? Because, right now, I feel if I break it doesn't help us any. He is the one who always breaks down. I've become the rock. But, I'm not letting that pull me back in this time. I'm sorry he is sad. I'm sorry that he is feeling alone. But, I can't help him. I've tried. It's time to try to be happy myself again.


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## hilly2 (Jan 15, 2012)

Wow, you could be my close girlfriend. She was in a marriage very similar to yours, but hers lasted 8 years! They did not even consummate their marriage!

I don't even know any of your background, but I am telling you to get out now! He is broken and you can't fix him! My girlfriend thought she could make her husband normal, and she couldn't. She ended up divorcing him a couple of years ago, and he still won't leave! She now has a "roommate". He has battled with depression for years, and she is afraid that he will harm himself if she forces him out.

I know that is is hard to let go, but don't ruin precious years of your life trying to make things right. It is way beyond your control.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There is a difference between 'breaking down' and 'breaking'. I think that 'breaking down' is to have a good cry and take a day or so to feel the pain and get to the point where you can move on. "Breaking" is to be broken and not be able to move on.

You might never have that "break down" or good cry. There's a good chance that you have been morning your lost relationship in little steps all along. If you have been, this is a good thing.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Just welcome the separation, my dear! You deserve so much better in life than the current deck of cards that you have been dealt. And in time, there is absolutely some sweet, caring guy out there who would be more than thrilled to end up with the caliber of girl that you are. Have faith in God, and just move on to a respite of peace and solitude. And know that there are much better things richly in store for your future!


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> There is a difference between 'breaking down' and 'breaking'. I think that 'breaking down' is to have a good cry and take a day or so to feel the pain and get to the point where you can move on. "Breaking" is to be broken and not be able to move on.
> 
> You might never have that "break down" or good cry. There's a good chance that you have been morning your lost relationship in little steps all along. If you have been, this is a good thing.


You've said it exactly right. I feel I have already mourned what I thought we had. He "stepped out" of our marriage early on. When I finally gave up then he decided he wanted to make it work. But I was already on my way out. Is that fair to him? Probably not but I couldn't change that. I've just been in limbo since then.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ku1980rose said:


> You've said it exactly right. I feel I have already mourned what I thought we had. He "stepped out" of our marriage early on. When I finally gave up then he decided he wanted to make it work. But I was already on my way out. Is that fair to him? Probably not but I couldn't change that. I've just been in limbo since then.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My take is that yes it is fair to him. He is the one who "stepped out". Your response tohis "stepping out" are normal, natural, to be expected. He has reaped the reward that is choices caused.

I too morned the loss of my marriage a long time before it ended. I had have no feeling except relief with it's ending. I also do not feel sorry for my husband because he checked out a long time go. He is the one who chose this ending to our marriage.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

It's been hard to make the final decision because he is a good guy. He cares very much and would do anything for me. Well maybe not anything because he still refuses to try to make necessary changes in himself that might help us. But I'm not wanting to leave cuz he treats me bad. We are just not compatible. No sex for 
Most of our marriage. I want a family. He says he does too. But that's not possible when we aren't ever intimate. And there's a lot that would have to change for me to ever have sex with him again. I just read advice on another thread and a poster said " a woman needs a reason to have sex . A man just needs a place". Maybe not quoted exact but you get the point. He hasn't given me a reason. And he doesn't see that no matter what I say. 

He has been married before. I asked him tonight if he had sex more with her and he said yes. So what's wrong here?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm not sure that I would see your husband as a 'good guy'. His refusing to have sex with your is a very harsh form of emotional abuse. The fact that he refuses to address it means that he wants to continue to do this.. he is getting some kind of power or pay off in the relationsihp by rejecting you sexually.

If he was truely uncomfortable with the no sex and not getting some kind of payoff for it, he would have done something about it a long time ago.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Is he suffering from any medical problems?


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

keko said:


> Is he suffering from any medical problems?


Nothing that I know of. I think he is depressed. He also has other issues that stem from his childhood with his abusive controlling mother but I wouldn't say they are medical issues. Just things that have affected how he deals with stress and his own self esteem.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> I'm not sure that I would see your husband as a 'good guy'. His refusing to have sex with your is a very harsh form of emotional abuse. The fact that he refuses to address it means that he wants to continue to do this.. he is getting some kind of power or pay off in the relationsihp by rejecting you sexually.
> 
> If he was truely uncomfortable with the no sex and not getting some kind of payoff for it, he would have done something about it a long time ago.


He says he wants to have sex but doesn't know what to do at this point. Me either. But how did he ever let it get to this point? I think he was afraid of doing something wrong or of being turned down. But I don't understand how a man can let it go that far that fast.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CoDependent_free (May 8, 2012)

Its time to call a card a card... get out - before you are too old to have a happy family, before you become so codependent that you cannot leave him without feeling responsible for his happiness (disreguarding your own), before you find yourself 45 looking for love and cannot find it, before you can no longer physically have a happy family of your own!!! Life is the longest thing we can do - but it is also short - to short to be unhappy. You have tried - Like I did with my marriage, I tried for three years to try to save a marriage that was 15 years in the making - but after three years of seperate rooms, seperate beds, trying everything to make something out of nothing - the bottom line was that it was not there!!! GO BE HAPPY - Find someone that will cherish you for all the little things - for the things he doesn't see - For whatever that may be FUN, CUTE, HAPPY, ENERGETIC, LAZY, LAID BACK, WHATEVER - Find someone that you can be the happy, silly, wierd, nerdy, intelligent, intellectual (or whatever) self with... When you do - You will find that once you find that person - you won't need to ask, wonder or question intamacy - YOU WILL FIND THAT YOU WON'T BE ABLE KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF ONE ANOTHER OR BE AWAY FROM ONE ANOTHER BECAUSE THE DESIRE IS THERE AND IS REAL! FREE YOURSELF TO FIND YOUR HAPPINESS - IT IS OK TO BE HAPPY - IT IS OK TO THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT!!!!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

CDF,

How is it you find that "someone that will do this for you" when you've previously only attracted the other type?


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

CoDependent_free said:


> Its time to call a card a card... get out - before you are too old to have a happy family, before you become so codependent that you cannot leave him without feeling responsible for his happiness (disreguarding your own), before you find yourself 45 looking for love and cannot find it, before you can no longer physically have a happy family of your own!!! Life is the longest thing we can do - but it is also short - to short to be unhappy. You have tried - Like I did with my marriage, I tried for three years to try to save a marriage that was 15 years in the making - but after three years of seperate rooms, seperate beds, trying everything to make something out of nothing - the bottom line was that it was not there!!! GO BE HAPPY - Find someone that will cherish you for all the little things - for the things he doesn't see - For whatever that may be FUN, CUTE, HAPPY, ENERGETIC, LAZY, LAID BACK, WHATEVER - Find someone that you can be the happy, silly, wierd, nerdy, intelligent, intellectual (or whatever) self with... When you do - You will find that once you find that person - you won't need to ask, wonder or question intamacy - YOU WILL FIND THAT YOU WON'T BE ABLE KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF ONE ANOTHER OR BE AWAY FROM ONE ANOTHER BECAUSE THE DESIRE IS THERE AND IS REAL! FREE YOURSELF TO FIND YOUR HAPPINESS - IT IS OK TO BE HAPPY - IT IS OK TO THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT!!!!


What you say is right and I know it. Acting on it though is so hard and I can't seem to get to the next step. I'm so scared to start over yet there is nothing keeping me here anymore.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CoDependent_free (May 8, 2012)

For me starting over was the best thing. There is nothing worse than letting a situation define who you are, how your self esteem is set or what value you place upon yourself.

He is obviously unhappy, you are obviously unhappy. Why waste another day wondering what if? Why waste another day complaining? Why waste another day questioning yourself, your worth, your future?

I'm sorry - but there are worse things than being single and alone... that is being in a relationship that destroys you from the inside out. Life/time is short, valuable and is really our only true currency. You need to invest wisely, spend wisely and plan for the future!

I've been there - I am single now - but I'm happy and now living my life on my own terms. I've accomplished more in the couple of years than I did through the many years of my marriage... because I learned to trust and accept that what will happen is ment to happen. I learned to take risks - knowing that I am strong enough to make it through - knowing that I can be a good father - knowing that my self worth is based on what I believe not what others place upon me.

@Conrad --- It is not about finding someone, the journey is to find yourself and when you do others will find you. That is the trap of CoDependency needing someone to feel whole, needing to be needed by someone to have a purpose. Being yourself should be enough - finding your place in the world where you are needed should be enough - being content just being should be enough - learning to watch life and appreciate it should be enough. When it is, you will be amazed at how like a moth to a flame, people will migrate to you for who you are not what you look like, what you can do or what you can give.

Yes, the hardest part to anything is that first step - just like it was when you chose to get married. But, there cannot be success without failures - and there cannot be an education without questioning the what ifs. You know this... Step up - Stand up - for yourself...


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