# Initiation



## feelingstupid (Apr 16, 2013)

My H and I have had the same argument for 9 years.. I need to initiate more. We engage in sexual activity 3-4 times a week, its good (now, I had issues to overcome in the beginning) He wants me to initiate more, I feel I try and get shot down. He doesn't like it in the morning, I don't like it at night, but when I initiate and get turned down, its like that doesn't count. Its so frustrating! Another big issue is he is insecure about his size (which IMHO is ridiculous) and I don't know how to overcome that, he constantly makes "jokes" about his "lil guy" and when I try to reassure him, he looks at me like I'm lying. I guess I'm asking for advice from anyone who has dealt with similar issues.


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## AlphaProvider (Jul 8, 2013)

feelingstupid said:


> My H and I have had the same argument for 9 years.. I need to initiate more. We engage in sexual activity 3-4 times a week, its good (now, I had issues to overcome in the beginning) He wants me to initiate more, I feel I try and get shot down. He doesn't like it in the morning, I don't like it at night, but when I initiate and get turned down, its like that doesn't count. Its so frustrating! Another big issue is he is insecure about his size (which IMHO is ridiculous) and I don't know how to overcome that, he constantly makes "jokes" about his "lil guy" and when I try to reassure him, he looks at me like I'm lying. I guess I'm asking for advice from anyone who has dealt with similar issues.


Funny. So you complement him on his privates, and knowing that alot of guys would like to hear that and he thinks your over doing it... Just keep communicating with him.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

feelingstupid said:


> My H and I have had the same argument for 9 years.. I need to initiate more. We engage in sexual activity 3-4 times a week, its good (now, I had issues to overcome in the beginning) He wants me to initiate more, I feel I try and get shot down. He doesn't like it in the morning, I don't like it at night, but when I initiate and get turned down, its like that doesn't count. Its so frustrating! Another big issue is he is insecure about his size (which IMHO is ridiculous) and I don't know how to overcome that, he constantly makes "jokes" about his "lil guy" and when I try to reassure him, he looks at me like I'm lying. I guess I'm asking for advice from anyone who has dealt with similar issues.


Without more background. I will just say this. If you are trying to meet his needs which it sounds like you are, then you have to accommodate the actual needs not just when and how you feel like it. Meaning if you know he does not like it in the morning, and you know he wants you to initiate more, than do it when you know he would be receptive. If I am asked to mow the lawn and I know we have company coming over that night, but I wait until the following morning to do it, then I can say I am meeting the need to mow the lawn, but I am not making my wife happy in doing it when "I feel like it" That is not to say he should not do the same...He should. As far as the "little guy" goes. Act more interested in that area of his body more. Act like you want to touch it, if he is not receptive to comments then refrain a bit and just use actions to communicate for a while. Watch a porn and see how the girls act excited about the penis and know the enthusiasm they are exhibiting is a huge turn on to most men. If you can't watch a porn than just know as a man, he needs to feel desired. His insecurities will subside if he is feeling as though you are being satisfied by him in that way and if you show enthusiasm consistently, he will eventually feel as though he is big enough. Porn may not be great for him though as the men are abnormally large, so do be careful about what you do and don't do with him. Don't ever comment on how large another mans is. That will shut him down. His need for you to initiate is also a reason most likely he feels inferior in the pants. In his mind if you loved his size and he turned you on then you would jump his bones once in a while. If you are not doing that it only is feeding his insecurity.


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## feelingstupid (Apr 16, 2013)

Nogutsnoglory. I made that mistake a long time ago, I mentioned another mans' size. I regret it, stupid thing to do. And I see what you mean be meeting his needs at my time, I really appreciated your response. I do want to meet all of his needs, as he meets mine, I had a hard time with being open with sex and have had a lot of skewed ideas on the whole subject, but am trying to deal with it better. His insecurities make me feel insecure about my ability to keep him happy, big nasty circle. I am also trying not to get hung up on my body, if any woman has dealt with THAT one, and gotten past it I'd love to know how.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Wow...this sounds like some of the things my STBW and I are dealing with...An important thing to remember regarding dealing with body image issues, and I really think the two issues you present here are tied together, initiation and his body image issues, that you need to be proactive and not reactive. Don't wait until he makes a disparaging remark regarding his size to tell him how much you like it. He is needing you to initiate that as well.

On a more general note regarding this subject, but along with initiation, while my STBW never made any direct comments about other guys sizes, and I am happily as average as they come, early on when we were dating, she made no bones about the body type that she found drool-worthy. I was close but not quite there. That has stuck with me still, a year later. Even though with a bit of work, I am pretty much spot on what she likes now, I still wish she would be more proactive in letting me know. The fact that we have sex every day, and often multiple times per day with her initiating a lot of the time, in her mind should tell me that she thinks I'm totally drool-worthy. I understand that, and accept it that she thinks that, but in my mind, I know she has had many partners before me, so just because she has sex with me doesn't set me apart or make me particularly desireable. She doesn't understand my need for that validation, or that it ties back into her proactive comments about other guys.

I guess the most important thing here is for you to be PROACTIVE.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

feelingstupid said:


> Nogutsnoglory. I made that mistake a long time ago, I mentioned another mans' size. I regret it, stupid thing to do. And I see what you mean be meeting his needs at my time, I really appreciated your response. I do want to meet all of his needs, as he meets mine, I had a hard time with being open with sex and have had a lot of skewed ideas on the whole subject, but am trying to deal with it better. His insecurities make me feel insecure about my ability to keep him happy, big nasty circle. I am also trying not to get hung up on my body, if any woman has dealt with THAT one, and gotten past it I'd love to know how.


I am not sure what you said. I can say with conviction that he will never forget the comment...ever. You can't do anything about that now. Hopefully it was a tame comment, not one that made him feel "too small" for your desires to be met.

If the comment made was something along the lines of wow, that's a nice ...... then he is scarred for life, unfortunately.
I am average size, but my wife is very small and we fit very well together. I am not dumb enough to not think she would not enjoy more some days, but I am not a transformer and I make sure to accommodate her needs, at all turns. You need to do the same. Make him feel irresistible, in turn he will do the same.
You two need to get hungry for one another. Start teasing one another during the day, it will work well to build to the evenings events. If you don't already, spice it up for him. Tell him you want to be more sexual and make some changes. My wife and I did this and after 14 years of marriage and many years of vanilla sex, we now are at one another constantly. I don't want to get graphic, but put your hands on him over his clothes, make him feel like you want him.
Good Luck!


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

In the interest of being proactive, send him a text today telling him you're day dreaming (or masturbating) thinking about how much you love his ****. Don't refer to it as big. He knows its not and that makes it seem disingenuous.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> In the interest of being proactive, send him a text today telling him you're day dreaming (or masturbating) thinking about how much you love his ****. Don't refer to it as big. He knows its not and that makes it seem disingenuous.


Don't mention his penis. Trust me, he will automatically think you are just saying that to make him feel better and this will hurt his ego not help. I know it sounds a bit strange but IMO it is a bad idea to mention him in this manner. "Thinking of you", "lets get freaky tonight", all good messages and none bring his brain directly to what he thinks his wife feels about his size..


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

nogutsnoglory said:


> Don't mention his penis. Trust me, he will automatically think you are just saying that to make him feel better and this will hurt his ego not help. I know it sounds a bit strange but IMO it is a bad idea to mention him in this manner. "Thinking of you", "lets get freaky tonight", all good messages and none bring his brain directly to what he thinks his wife feels about his size..


remember this, whatever you said about another mans size, no matter how long ago you said it, it is what he feels you want and desire, and until he is secure in his ability to bring you abundant pleasure with what he has, and also feels you want his badly, he will always mentally feel inferior to the comment you made and this will be what his brain thinks of every time you mention his penis. Use actions to communicate. in the heat of love making. Something like it feels so good etc.. is fine, but comments like you fill me so nicely and you feel so big, are BS and he knows it.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> In the interest of being proactive, send him a text today telling him you're day dreaming (or masturbating) thinking about how much you love his ****. Don't refer to it as big. He knows its not and that makes it seem disingenuous.


Those are the types of things that will help. Showing your interest OUTSIDE the bedroom. My STBW had this discussion again over the weekend. I know she is capable of taking the filter off when it comes to celebs, actors, musicians and such, but I haven't figured out how to get the filter off towards me.

Some of the things she explained were very enlightening actually. She still doesn't get the whole proactive vs reactive thing though. She pointed out that when I have sent her pictures of me just out of the shower, she has told me how instantly wet she got and things like that. She doesn't get that that was reactive on her part. Proactive would be her sending me a text saying "I'll be home at 8 and I want to see you getting out of the shower" I have pretty much resigned myself to the fact that she will likely never be proactive like I want. I do believe her though when she says she has never been so physically drawn to anyone like she is me, but I just wish I could get her to express that raw and unfiltered, and again, just because she has sex with me doesn't show me that she is.

One thing she did say that really made me think, and explains a lot though, was she said she had always been with men that she personally found attractive in their own way, but until me, had never been with a man who is considered universally attractive. That fact has made her feel self conscious. She has never been in a relationship where she felt like she was the less attractive partner, or that she was less skilled in bed than her partner.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

nogutsnoglory said:


> remember this, whatever you said about another mans size, no matter how long ago you said it, it is what he feels you want and desire, and until he is secure in his ability to bring you abundant pleasure with what he has, and also feels you want his badly, he will always mentally feel inferior to the comment you made and this will be what his brain thinks of every time you mention his penis. Use actions to communicate. in the heat of love making. Something like it feels so good etc.. is fine, but comments like you fill me so nicely and you feel so big, are BS and he knows it.


Bingo! THe first comment my STBW ever made about me physically was the first time we hugged. She said "You're too skinny." I will never forget that, and will likely always be self conscious about it.

I can't stress enough how helpful PROACTIVE desire outside the bedroom is. If he's outside mowing the lawn, especially if he doesn't have a shirt on, when he comes inside, tell him to go back out and mow some more so you can keep watching how sexy he is. Seriously, those kinds of things work wonders!


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## feelingstupid (Apr 16, 2013)

Thanks guys, and as to the comment I had made, we were young, and he asked me (and I answered like an idiot!!) if he had the biggest I had ever had (making me think these issues might have already been in play) and I answered (honestly) that I'd had longer, but he won hands down width wise... and yeah, I know those things stick, he once told me I was the fattest girl he ever dated (stupid man, thought he was complimenting me)


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## AlphaProvider (Jul 8, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> Wow...this sounds like some of the things my STBW and I are dealing with...An important thing to remember regarding dealing with body image issues, and I really think the two issues you present here are tied together, initiation and his body image issues, that you need to be proactive and not reactive. Don't wait until he makes a disparaging remark regarding his size to tell him how much you like it. He is needing you to initiate that as well.
> 
> On a more general note regarding this subject, but along with initiation, while my STBW never made any direct comments about other guys sizes, and I am happily as average as they come, early on when we were dating, she made no bones about the body type that she found drool-worthy. I was close but not quite there. That has stuck with me still, a year later. Even though with a bit of work, I am pretty much spot on what she likes now, I still wish she would be more proactive in letting me know. The fact that we have sex every day, and often multiple times per day with her initiating a lot of the time, in her mind should tell me that she thinks I'm totally drool-worthy. I understand that, and accept it that she thinks that, but in my mind, I know she has had many partners before me, so just because she has sex with me doesn't set me apart or make me particularly desireable. She doesn't understand my need for that validation, or that it ties back into her proactive comments about other guys.
> 
> I guess the most important thing here is for you to be PROACTIVE.


What body type was it? 

Also, so the high partner count which I personally don't equate to "experience", but the high partner count has you marginalized within the crowd?


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## AlphaProvider (Jul 8, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> Those are the types of things that will help. Showing your interest OUTSIDE the bedroom. My STBW had this discussion again over the weekend. I know she is capable of taking the filter off when it comes to celebs, actors, musicians and such, but I haven't figured out how to get the filter off towards me.


Explain this? So she was giving guys extra credit for having fans and being somewhat "famous"? 



samyeagar said:


> Some of the things she explained were very enlightening actually. She still doesn't get the whole proactive vs reactive thing though. She pointed out that when I have sent her pictures of me just out of the shower, she has told me how instantly wet she got and things like that. She doesn't get that that was reactive on her part. Proactive would be her sending me a text saying "I'll be home at 8 and I want to see you getting out of the shower" I have pretty much resigned myself to the fact that she will likely never be proactive like I want. I do believe her though when she says she has never been so physically drawn to anyone like she is me, but I just wish I could get her to express that raw and unfiltered, and again, just because she has sex with me doesn't show me that she is.


Oh, I see. She can do this for a actor, musician or celebrity, but not you.



samyeagar said:


> One thing she did say that really made me think, and explains a lot though, was she said she had always been with men that she personally found attractive in their own way, but until me, had never been with a man who is considered universally attractive. That fact has made her feel self conscious. She has never been in a relationship where she felt like she was the less attractive partner, or that she was less skilled in bed than her partner.


This is a nice complement. Now you have to boost her bedroom esteem without it being obvious. Complement her in some way.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

feelingstupid said:


> Thanks guys, and as to the comment I had made, we were young, and he asked me (and I answered like an idiot!!) if he had the biggest I had ever had (making me think these issues might have already been in play) and I answered (honestly) that I'd had longer, but he won hands down width wise... and yeah, I know those things stick, he once told me I was the fattest girl he ever dated (stupid man, thought he was complimenting me)


You guys need to go to flattery school. : ) Just stick to the plan. I think you guys will be fine. If there is great love as a foundation in marriage, and neither partner is going outside the marriage for love, then all else is repairable with communication and understanding.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

AlphaProvider said:


> What body type was it?
> 
> Also, so the high partner count which I personally don't equate to "experience", but the high partner count has you marginalized within the crowd?


The typical not overly muscular but six pack abs and toned. I have that now, and going along what you say below, she still has a hard time proactively verbally expressing her raw lust and desire, even though I have no doubts it's there.

And yes, there is a certain amount of being marginalized within the crowd, and I agree, that the partner count doesn't translate into experience.



AlphaProvider said:


> Explain this? So she was giving guys extra credit for having fans and being somewhat "famous"?
> 
> 
> 
> Oh, I see. She can do this for a actor, musician or celebrity, but not you.


Right.



> This is a nice complement. Now you have to boost her bedroom esteem without it being obvious. Complement her in some way.


No doubt it is a great compliment. The fact that we have sex 10 times a week with her initiating at least half the time is as well. She's pointed out that she has initiated more and has had more orgasms with me in the past year than her entire life combined. Another great compliment, so I know the desire is there, and I know I am the best she's ever had, but it does come back to the partner count and still feeling somewhat marginalized. Regarding boosting her esteem, I am very proactive in that regard, both in and out of the bedroom, and I have never said anything to marginalize her.

Much like what the OP is going through, for me, this is not something that is going to cause any real issues or resentment. I think the fact that the OP is still having sex 3-4 times per week is a good sign that it has not completely destroyed her husbands confidence, but finding ways to boost his esteem outside of the bedroom will work wonders. She can't underestimate how far simple raw lustful compliments can go. Something as simple as a "Damn baby, you're sexy." as she grabs his ass on the way out the door...


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## AlphaProvider (Jul 8, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> The typical not overly muscular but six pack abs and toned. I have that now, and going along what you say below, she still has a hard time proactively verbally expressing her raw lust and desire, even though I have no doubts it's there.
> 
> And yes, there is a certain amount of being marginalized within the crowd, and I agree, that the partner count doesn't translate into experience.
> 
> ...


Glad you got your body in check and reaping some of the rewards.

I knew this could happen. The high partner counts are used to compartementalizing and the sex act typically is not as huge to them. Something has to really grab them, like you said, one that you noticed was if she thinks someone is famous and lots desire the person raises her up quite a bit.



samyeagar said:


> No doubt it is a great compliment. The fact that we have sex 10 times a week with her initiating at least half the time is as well. She's pointed out that she has initiated more and has had more orgasms with me in the past year than her entire life combined. Another great compliment, so I know the desire is there, and I know I am the best she's ever had, but it does come back to the partner count and still feeling somewhat marginalized. Regarding boosting her esteem, I am very proactive in that regard, both in and out of the bedroom, and I have never said anything to marginalize her.


I think the 10 times a week is a huge complement. Thats how you got to look at that.



samyeagar said:


> Much like what the OP is going through, for me, this is not something that is going to cause any real issues or resentment. I think the fact that the OP is still having sex 3-4 times per week is a good sign that it has not completely destroyed her husbands confidence, but finding ways to boost his esteem outside of the bedroom will work wonders. She can't underestimate how far simple raw lustful compliments can go. Something as simple as a "Damn baby, you're sexy." as she grabs his ass on the way out the door...


Yes, I like that.


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## AlphaProvider (Jul 8, 2013)

Also, outside of your bod, what can you do to be marginalized "above" the crowd? I'm sure you thought of this one. Don't think anyone wants to feel like "just one of the guys"...

And then again, you can't go copy catting some celebrity or muscian she admires, it has to be you.


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## committed_guy (Nov 22, 2011)

feelingstupid said:


> My H and I have had the same argument for 9 years.. I need to initiate more. We engage in sexual activity 3-4 times a week, its good (now, I had issues to overcome in the beginning) He wants me to initiate more, I feel I try and get shot down. He doesn't like it in the morning, I don't like it at night, but when I initiate and get turned down, its like that doesn't count. Its so frustrating! Another big issue is he is insecure about his size (which IMHO is ridiculous) and I don't know how to overcome that, he constantly makes "jokes" about his "lil guy" and when I try to reassure him, he looks at me like I'm lying. I guess I'm asking for advice from anyone who has dealt with similar issues.


Don't feel stupid.

You said your initiating but he says no? Then says it's your problem you don't initiate? That doesn't make sense. Either your account is wrong or he is a bozo.

3-4 times a week is way above average for married folk. 

You guys need to agree on a time. Not everyone can do it all the time. My wife and I are opposites as well, her night me morning. by 9pm when my head hits the pillow i'm done. I've intentionally stayed up to please her but it was way past my bed time to get any enjoyment out of it. I don't mind doing that sometimes but every time is a turn off. I believe in the 80/20 rule, 80% of the time is normal, or vanilla, at an agreed upon time and 20% you both go out of your way to meet the other's needs even when you don't get much out of it. Most of the time it's reciprocating but sometimes it's just for the other person's benefit. 

Second, he needs to stop with the size of his unit. You tell him that your sorry for anything you may have said to cause this issue and ask forgiveness. If he doesn't grant forgiveness then sex, and the marriage, needs to be put on hold until he does. Counseling may be required. If he says he forgives you but brings it up again then he hasn't forgiven you. Did you have previous experience and did he know that going into the marriage? If so then he has nothing to ***** about. Otherwise like I said, you tell him your sorry, build a bridge, get over it. In the mean time continue to compliment him. I wouldn't bring up size ever again, but just compliment him on his unit. Send him text's telling him your thinking about his unit (not just a generic 'penis' but your husband's in particular). Tell him what your going to do with it that night, etc. But it's not fair for him to continue to beat you over the head with it (the comment, not his penis).


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## Arioch (Jul 9, 2013)

That fact that I did not initiate sex enough was the very first excuse my wife used on me when our sex life began to decline. It eventually became a laundry list that was IMO designed to place the blame on me.

I'm not saying that will be the case for you but I would think most guys would rarely shoot down an offer from someone they want.


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## Batman4691 (Jun 24, 2013)

feelingstupid said:


> My H and I have had the same argument for 9 years.. I need to initiate more. We engage in sexual activity 3-4 times a week, its good (now, I had issues to overcome in the beginning) He wants me to initiate more, I feel I try and get shot down. He doesn't like it in the morning, I don't like it at night, but when I initiate and get turned down, its like that doesn't count. Its so frustrating! Another big issue is he is insecure about his size (which IMHO is ridiculous) and I don't know how to overcome that, he constantly makes "jokes" about his "lil guy" and when I try to reassure him, he looks at me like I'm lying. I guess I'm asking for advice from anyone who has dealt with similar issues.


It never ceases to amaze me how some people can post their problems without giving the full and most pertinent information, and be honest with themselves about the problem.

feelingstupid, 
I just finished reading another thread you created where you admitted to having an affair with another man, but neglected to mention that in this thread. 
Don't you think that is pertinent to your husbands and your sexual issues?

Also, you stated in the other thread that you were 25 years old, and here you allude that you have been married 9 years. Doing the simple math, that would have made you 16 when you got married. That is awful young to get married, not passing judgment, but it seems that might also be a factor given the problems you have outlined.


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## feelingstupid (Apr 16, 2013)

Batman4691 said:


> It never ceases to amaze me how some people can post their problems without giving the full and most pertinent information, and be honest with themselves about the problem.
> 
> feelingstupid,
> I just finished reading another thread you created where you admitted to having an affair with another man, but neglected to mention that in this thread.
> ...



Yes -16
No - these are old issues that happened before my infidelity, I figured while I'm here, try to better that situation
No- not another man (as if it makes a difference, cheating is cheating, my H found it less offensive)


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## AlphaProvider (Jul 8, 2013)

Batman4691 said:


> It never ceases to amaze me how some people can post their problems without giving the full and most pertinent information, and be honest with themselves about the problem.
> 
> feelingstupid,
> I just finished reading another thread you created where you admitted to having an affair with another man, but neglected to mention that in this thread.
> ...


I just wanted to add... Being cheated on by a female, especially an entitled and non-repentant one, can result in ED. Also a well placed penis size or skill comment can also result in ED and stripped confidence.

It's even possible it never recovers with that relationship partner.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

feelingstupid said:


> Yes -16
> No - these are old issues that happened before my infidelity, I figured while I'm here, try to better that situation
> No- not another man (as if it makes a difference, cheating is cheating, my H found it less offensive)


I have no idea why, but for some reason, I respect the directnes of this response.


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## feelingstupid (Apr 16, 2013)

AlphaProvider said:


> I just wanted to add... Being cheated on by a female, especially an entitled and non-repentant one, can result in ED. Also a well placed penis size or skill comment can also result in ED and stripped confidence.
> 
> It's even possible it never recovers with that relationship partner.


I'm very sorry that this is the impression you get from me, I love my H dearly and am working through all of our mess, when I told him about my cheating (and I told him because I felt he needed to know, not because he would have found out) it brought up some of our past sexual problems, so I figured I'd try to get more perspective on that to be a better wife for him. I go everyday trying to make him feel better, knowing what I've done, this is something that he (truly) has forgiven me for, and he (truly) doesn't bring these issues up anymore, but I know that he used to think on them a lot, so I wanted some advice on how to make him feel very wanted, I realize that it may not have come off this way, and I realize that you probably look at me as trash now, but all I want is some advice as to be the best in bed for the man I love. He is very HD and I am trying to be more of that for him.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

feelingstupid said:


> Thanks guys, and as to the comment I had made, we were young,* and he asked me (and I answered like an idiot!!) if he had the biggest I had ever had *(making me think these issues might have already been in play) and I answered (honestly) that I'd had longer, but he won hands down width wise... and yeah, I know those things stick, he once told me I was the fattest girl he ever dated (stupid man, thought he was complimenting me)


I don't know why guys ask this if they really can't handle hearing the truth.

Never, ever answer this question...I can't imagine that many men would be perfectly fine hearing that their partner had sex with someone with a bigger penis. Just keep saying you don't know penis sizes and don't measure them; all you know is how great sex feels with H.

And how could he think it's a compliment that you are the fattest women he ever dated, unless all his previous girlfriends were anorexic? :scratchhead:


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## AlphaProvider (Jul 8, 2013)

feelingstupid said:


> I'm very sorry that this is the impression you get from me, I love my H dearly and am working through all of our mess, when I told him about my cheating (and I told him because I felt he needed to know, not because he would have found out) it brought up some of our past sexual problems, so I figured I'd try to get more perspective on that to be a better wife for him. I go everyday trying to make him feel better, knowing what I've done, this is something that he (truly) has forgiven me for, and he (truly) doesn't bring these issues up anymore, but I know that he used to think on them a lot, so I wanted some advice on how to make him feel very wanted, I realize that it may not have come off this way, and I realize that you probably look at me as trash now, but all I want is some advice as to be the best in bed for the man I love. He is very HD and I am trying to be more of that for him.


I didn't put that on you specifically. I just put it out there.


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## feelingstupid (Apr 16, 2013)

norajane said:


> I don't know why guys ask this if they really can't handle hearing the truth.
> 
> Never, ever answer this question...I can't imagine that many men would be perfectly fine hearing that their partner had sex with someone with a bigger penis. Just keep saying you don't know penis sizes and don't measure them; all you know is how great sex feels with H.
> 
> And how could he think it's a compliment that you are the fattest women he ever dated, unless all his previous girlfriends were anorexic? :scratchhead:


Poor guy was trying to compliment me on my intelligence... he missed it a little bit. Although its funny, it still gets me every once in a while


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

feelingstupid said:


> I'm very sorry that this is the impression you get from me, I love my H dearly and am working through all of our mess, when I told him about my cheating (and I told him because I felt he needed to know, not because he would have found out) it brought up some of our past sexual problems, so I figured I'd try to get more perspective on that to be a better wife for him. I go everyday trying to make him feel better, knowing what I've done, this is something that he (truly) has forgiven me for, *and he (truly) doesn't bring these issues up anymore, but I know that he used to think on them a lot,* so I wanted some advice on how to make him feel very wanted, I realize that it may not have come off this way, and I realize that you probably look at me as trash now, but all I want is some advice as to be the best in bed for the man I love. He is very HD and I am trying to be more of that for him.


And I gurantee you he still does, and likely will for the rest of his life. Having an affair with another woman does make it different, but also difficult to deal with in a different way than if it had been another man.

My STBW and I have had to deal with bits from her past that while they are the past, had very real present day implications including multiple three ways she participated in with other women in a failed attempt to keep her ex husband faithful. Another was a very calculated exit revenge affair. While they don't have any direct impact on me, because they were before me, and there is no need for, or reason for forgiveness, the mind movies will likely stay with me forever.

Too many people fail to think about the long term affects of their actions before they do things. You have done some damage here that while the pain may go away, the scars will always be there.


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## feelingstupid (Apr 16, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> And I gurantee you he still does, and likely will for the rest of his life. Having an affair with another woman does make it different, but also difficult to deal with in a different way than if it had been another man.
> 
> My STBW and I have had to deal with bits from her past that while they are the past, had very real present day implications including multiple three ways she participated in with other women in a failed attempt to keep her ex husband faithful. Another was a very calculated exit revenge affair. While they don't have any direct impact on me, because they were before me, and there is no need for, or reason for forgiveness, the mind movies will likely stay with me forever.
> 
> Too many people fail to think about the long term affects of their actions before they do things. You have done some damage here that while the pain may go away, the scars will always be there.



I think you may have misunderstood what I intended to say. With the cheating.. of course, of course there are scars, I have them and I"M THE IDIOT, so his are much deeper. What I meant by 'things he used to think about a lot' was how I didn't make him feel secure (before, not so recently) so I figured I could maybe better that part of me, to make it easier on him. (the making him feel secure, etc.)


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

feelingstupid said:


> I think you may have misunderstood what I intended to say. With the cheating.. of course, of course there are scars, I have them and I"M THE IDIOT, so his are much deeper. What I meant by 'things he used to think about a lot' *was how I didn't make him feel secure (before, not so recently)* so I figured I could maybe better that part of me, to make it easier on him. (the making him feel secure, etc.)


I understood that  He will remember even though his forgiveness of you is complete and true. It sounds as if you are on the right track though by striving to make him feel as secure as you feel he is. What I mean by that is you know he has nothing to worry about, and that his place with you is completely secure. You need to keep showing him what you know.


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## Lord Summerisle (May 23, 2013)

I don't know, I think just ignoring his preoccupation with his penis size might not be the way to go. As I talked about in a previous post, I'm rather small in the manhood department and out of the blue a few months ago my wife started whispering things in my ear during foreplay and intercourse. Things like "I love how big and hard you are....you really are such a big man.....almost too big, but that's how I like it"

I know its silly and ridiculous, but it is still a huge turn on for me to hear it. I might just be crazy though my brain should be studied by science when I die to see why it turns me on to hear her pretending like that.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

feelingstupid said:


> Yes -16
> No - these are old issues that happened before my infidelity, I figured while I'm here, try to better that situation
> No- not another man (as if it makes a difference, cheating is cheating, my H found it less offensive)


Now that I know a bit more back story from reading your former thread, I have to say that your husband sounds like he has suppressed a lot of what happened to him emotionally after he found out about your affair. Not to mention the sheer embarrassment of it happening with in the family circle and all knowing about it.
It is IMO and will always be hard for him to stand tall, with a mans ego, in front of his family circle. This happening only fueled his insecurities. Yes, if it were another man it might be different, but not so different IMO. If it were my wife she would be my ex. To do it with in the family circle and embarrass him in that way, is IMO to me more shameful than screwing around with a random guy from the bar one night. You, I know show great remorse and I am not trying to bash you. You need to know he will most likely never forgive you. He will tell you he has because dealing with it is near impossible for him. He can't make her not part of the family circle. He hears her name, probably sees her from time to time (maybe not), but if he does have to hear her name or the name of anyone that would cause him to think of her it brings him mentally back to the pain and embarrassment.
When people have an affair, it is vital for the offending partner to have no further contact with the person they were involved with. For your husband to properly heal, he has to be able to put that person in the past and move on. Is he able to do that when the person is in the family? I doubt it.
Best of luck...


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

My man has always been very self concious about being larger in size than most men...I make a point to tell him daily how big and beautiful he is. Some people even though they are quite attractive have no idea. My big guy was alway large in more than one way growing up and took alot of ribbing for it....he actually by most women's standards would be considered quite buff muscular, dark tan and hung like a stallion. I know he enjoys the attention and he likes to look good for me...he even gets a tan cause I like him dark. He won't say it but I know it makes him feel more attractive when I let hom know being big is beautiful to me. Boosting your partners self esteem will start building that I intimacy outside the bedroom too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## feelingstupid (Apr 16, 2013)

nogutsnoglory said:


> Now that I know a bit more back story from reading your former thread, I have to say that your husband sounds like he has suppressed a lot of what happened to him emotionally after he found out about your affair. Not to mention the sheer embarrassment of it happening with in the family circle and all knowing about it.
> It is IMO and will always be hard for him to stand tall, with a mans ego, in front of his family circle. This happening only fueled his insecurities. Yes, if it were another man it might be different, but not so different IMO. If it were my wife she would be my ex. To do it with in the family circle and embarrass him in that way, is IMO to me more shameful than screwing around with a random guy from the bar one night. You, I know show great remorse and I am not trying to bash you. You need to know he will most likely never forgive you. He will tell you he has because dealing with it is near impossible for him. He can't make her not part of the family circle. He hears her name, probably sees her from time to time (maybe not), but if he does have to hear her name or the name of anyone that would cause him to think of her it brings him mentally back to the pain and embarrassment.
> When people have an affair, it is vital for the offending partner to have no further contact with the person they were involved with. For your husband to properly heal, he has to be able to put that person in the past and move on. Is he able to do that when the person is in the family? I doubt it.
> Best of luck...


I'm so scared you're right.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

feelingstupid said:


> I'm so scared you're right.


I think he is very right. I know how I feel about a couple of situations that I am in, and they didn't even directly involve me. My STBW had threesomes with other women in a failed attempt to keep her ex husband happy and faithful. These are women that are friends of hers, and that I have to be around semi regularly. She had a revenge exit affair where she went the whole nine yards in a car, oral, forplay, everything with her ex husbands son, whom she is still friends with, and I have to see occasionally. It really messes with a guys head, and I doubt I will ever feel totally comfortable with any of it...and I'm sure as hell never going to be able to do it in a car...road head out of the question too... I can only imagine what your husband will have to go through for the rest of his life with you...


ETA: This is what I meant when I said that people never stop to fully consider the consequences of their actions, and even if they try to, when sex is involved, there are ALWAYS unforseen consequenses, and they are very rarely good...


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## keeper63 (Mar 22, 2012)

It all boils down to communication, if you ask me.

You can think your spouse/SO is hot, sexy, and desirable, but he/she can't read your mind. You have to tell them, and it has to be sincere. You would be amazed at how much more receptive your partner would be to your wants and needs if you simply expressed your positive feelings to them on a daily basis.

My wife used to initiate sex about once every two months. She would also reject my advances on a regular basis (I would say I approached her 3 or 4 times a week, and she would accept about 1 time per week). When I was rejected, I would get pouty or needy, and that was unattractive to her. The sex I would then get was usually "duty sex", and it wasn't very satisfying to either of us.

A combination of sex therapy and a mid-life hormonal shift (on her part) changed all of that. When her testosterone levels peaked, she wanted it all the time, and finally understood where I was coming from all those years.

Now we communicate much better. We don't fall into the reflexive arguments we used to have; now we understand the patterns and break them before they materialize. We tell each other how we feel, and how attractive and sexy we think each other is.

We understand that as a couple, we need to connect sexually at least a couple of times each week, if not more. While she still doesn't initiate as much as I would like, she does it a lot more these days, and when she does, it is smoking hot for me.

To the OP, tell your husband that you think he is sexy and hot, and be sincere about it. He will come around to believing it himself, and when he gets some of his confidence back, you will reap the benefits. Don't push him too hard for sex, or be pouty when he isn't in the mood. Let him know that sex is an important part of the relationship, and that it is when you feel closest and most connected to him.

When in doubt, just tell him how you feel. Eventually, he will initiate. Perhaps not as much as you would like, but one step at a time.


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## Suspecting (Jan 8, 2013)

What do everyone think the OP should have said about the size? In my opinion she was just being honest about it and it was foolish for the husband to ask such a question. She could have denied answering at all which he most likely would have taken as admitting him not being the biggest. Or she could have lied and said he was the biggest which is still a lie. So there's no good answer for her really.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Suspecting said:


> What do everyone think the OP should have said about the size? In my opinion she was just being honest about it and it was foolish for the husband to ask such a question. She could have denied answering at all which he most likely would have taken as admitting him not being the biggest. Or she could have lied and said he was the biggest which is still a lie. So there's no good answer for her really.


You are correct, he never should have asked the question. As far as answering goes...she should have redirected everything back on how good he made her feel, how he fills her perfectly and not taken the bait of a direct comparison. If he persisted in that direct comparison, that's where she needs to play dumb and move along the lines of how she never really thought about how he compared, and then if he continues to persist, answer.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

Suspecting said:


> What do everyone think the OP should have said about the size? In my opinion she was just being honest about it and it was foolish for the husband to ask such a question. She could have denied answering at all which he most likely would have taken as admitting him not being the biggest. Or she could have lied and said he was the biggest which is still a lie. So there's no good answer for her really.


Had a couple about your length but not as thick. Honestly like yours the best. Love the way it fills me.

He would have been walking proud for years from that answer.


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## AlphaProvider (Jul 8, 2013)

nogutsnoglory said:


> Had a couple about your length but not as thick. Honestly like yours the best. Love the way it fills me.
> 
> He would have been walking proud for years from that answer.


That would be a great answer, would fill any mans step with strut.


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## Suspecting (Jan 8, 2013)

nogutsnoglory said:


> Had a couple about your length but not as thick. Honestly like yours the best. Love the way it fills me.
> 
> He would have been walking proud for years from that answer.


TBH that sounds a bit artificial. In my experience women do tell it without asking if you're one of the the biggest or especially the biggest they've had.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Exactly. If she hasn't mentioned it on her own, then you aren't the biggest. So you should know the answer already before you ask. 

I never have asked the exact question but I hinted at it. Her diplomatic answer: I've always been very happy with what you've got. Which is code for: not even close lol.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Exactly. If she hasn't mentioned it on her own, then you aren't the biggest. So you should know the answer already before you ask.
> 
> I never have asked the exact question but I hinted at it. Her diplomatic answer: I've always been very happy with what you've got. Which is code for: not even close lol.


do woman care if they are the tightest? One is definitely better than another but they never seem to ask..


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## AlphaProvider (Jul 8, 2013)

nogutsnoglory said:


> do woman care if they are the tightest? One is definitely better than another but they never seem to ask..


Oh, I know for a fact they like to know they are tight, and if it is considered "good".


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

nogutsnoglory said:


> do woman care if they are the tightest? One is definitely better than another but they never seem to ask..


Yes. Yes they do.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

nogutsnoglory said:


> do woman care if they are the tightest? One is definitely better than another but they never seem to ask..


I have honestly never given it any thought with anyone I've been with regardless of their penis size.



AlphaProvider said:


> Oh, I know for a fact they like to know they are tight, and if it is considered "good".


Wondering if they are tight or if it felt good is different than whether they were the _tightest_.

Men seem to worry and ask about being the _biggest_, which is not necessary for the sex to be good.


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## AlphaProvider (Jul 8, 2013)

norajane said:


> I have honestly never given it any thought with anyone I've been with regardless of their penis size.
> 
> 
> Wondering if they are tight or if it felt good is different than whether they were the _tightest_.
> ...


At a certain point, size on a man may be a detriment to feeling "good". I agree, tightest doesn't mean best, but for a guy with a modest penis size, it just may be perfect.


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## Batman4691 (Jun 24, 2013)

norajane said:


> Men seem to worry and ask about being the _biggest_, which is not necessary for the sex to be good.


I agree, but for the sex to be *great*, the size of the man does matter. I know this for a fact.

Years ago, my wife had a sex toy, (dildo), in the shape of a man's penis. It was about 6 inches long and proportionate in thickness.
She/we enjoyed using it on her during foreplay, and intermittently during intercourse to prolong the act. 

A couple years later, I got her a larger one, same rubber texture, but about 10 inches long, and very thick. (It was supposedly modeled after some famous male porn star.)

I couldn't believe the difference in my wife's reactions, both physical and verbal when using it. She would literally lose voluntary muscle control of her hips and thighs when climaxing with the larger toy. This was also the first time she ever "gushed" fluid from her vagina. 

After that, the smaller toy was seldom, if ever, taken out of her nightstand drawer.

Just a personal observation, but a telling one as well.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

Batman4691 said:


> I agree, but for the sex to be *great*, the size of the man does matter. I know this for a fact.
> 
> Years ago, my wife had a sex toy, (dildo), in the shape of a man's penis. It was about 6 inches long and proportionate in thickness.
> She/we enjoyed using it on her during foreplay, and intermittently during intercourse to prolong the act.
> ...


Guess I would just prefer to have the largest penis in the room. I know some feel differently but I would hate that I can't make her feel as good as a fake penis.


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## committed_guy (Nov 22, 2011)

Suspecting said:


> What do everyone think the OP should have said about the size?


I agree dumb for the husband to ask. There's a way though to say it matter of factly, "ya he was bigger but I like yours better!" I'm not saying the OP didn't say it like that but there's ways around this for the wife to put it in the best light. Besides, being average or smaller has it's advantages (oral, anal, etc.)

That said, from what I've read I don't think it was the wife's problem here. Sounds like she has reaffirmed him several times and he is the one that keeps bringing it up. 

I've never had an issue with my size but I have wondered about my wife's previous bf's. She was technically a virgin when we got married but I know she had experience with at least one other guy. It wouldn't bother me if he was bigger. I've never asked and she's never brought it up. I've had GFs with bigger boobs and different lady parts than her but will never answer a question asking about them to her. I think she has tried to ask but I've responded how much and why I like her body--because it's the one I am married to.


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## Batman4691 (Jun 24, 2013)

nogutsnoglory said:


> Guess I would just prefer to have the largest penis in the room. I know some feel differently but I would hate that I can't make her feel as good as a fake penis.


Good grief. Not the point of my post. 

I Never said that *I* can't make her feel as good as a fake penis. Just said that her climaxes are noticeably different between the two. 
I also never stated how I measure up to the fakes. Never did because I am confident in what I have and didn't feel the need to defend myself to strangers here. 

Really, some people making assumptions they know nothing about the situation.


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## AlphaProvider (Jul 8, 2013)

Batman4691 said:


> Good grief. Not the point of my post.
> 
> I Never said that *I* can't make her feel as good as a fake penis. Just said that her climaxes are noticeably different between the two.
> I also never stated how I measure up to the fakes. Never did because I am confident in what I have and didn't feel the need to defend myself to strangers here.
> ...


Your wife must have gotten the Mandigo or Jack Rapier models.

The Lexington Steele model would've had 9.0" insertable.

You measured the "ten incher" to ensure that it's "ten inches"?

Also what does she hold onto? Doesn't she have to hold onto the last 1.5"-2" to instert it?

Or does she bury the entire thing?


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## Suspecting (Jan 8, 2013)

AlphaProvider said:


> Your wife must have gotten the Mandigo or Jack Rapier models.
> 
> The Lexington Steele model would've had 9.0" insertable.
> 
> ...


I don't think the length matters as much as the thickness. Too long and you'll be hitting the cervix which does not feel nice I hear.


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## AlphaProvider (Jul 8, 2013)

Suspecting said:


> I don't think the length matters as much as the thickness. Too long and you'll be hitting the cervix which does not feel nice I hear.


Most women hate it, some women like it and go after those cervix hits.

On most women, it is a very painful experience to have the cervix tapped.

Thickness, if it's too thick repeat sessions may be a no-no due to too much soreness. Some really like it though.


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## Batman4691 (Jun 24, 2013)

AlphaProvider said:


> Your wife must have gotten the Mandigo or Jack Rapier models.
> 
> The Lexington Steele model would've had 9.0" insertable.
> 
> ...


I have never really measured the thing. The 10" inches was an estimation. I haven't seen either of them for over 5 years now.
I think my wife has them buried somewhere in her closet along with some of the other fun stuff we use to play with.
I don't remember the name but I remember the photo of a porn star on the box and it's claims to be molded from his member. (I know it is not Lex Steele because it's not black in color.)

My wife received the smaller 6" one as a gift at her bachelorette party that some of her coworkers gave her 28 years ago.
After several years, I decided to step up the spice, and bought her the larger one. Their was a huge difference in the intensity of her orgasms between the two. (Which was the point I was trying to make between a smaller size and a larger size penis.) 
To be honest, I am not as big as Mr. Big, but not to boast, I am considerably larger than Mr. Small.

She/I was able to hold onto the rubber latex scrotum to achieve maximum penetration.


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## AlphaProvider (Jul 8, 2013)

Batman4691 said:


> I have never really measured the thing. The 10" inches was an estimation. I haven't seen either of them for over 5 years now.
> I think my wife has them buried somewhere in her closet along with some of the other fun stuff we use to play with.
> I don't remember the name but I remember the photo of a porn star on the box and it's claims to be molded from his member. (I know it is not Lex Steele because it's not black in color.)
> 
> ...


Pretty impressive


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## Suspecting (Jan 8, 2013)

Batman4691 said:


> After several years, I decided to step up the spice, and bought her the larger one. Their was a huge difference in the intensity of her orgasms between the two. (Which was the point I was trying to make between a smaller size and a larger size penis.)
> To be honest, I am not as big as Mr. Big, but not to boast, I am considerably larger than Mr. Small.
> 
> She/I was able to hold onto the rubber latex scrotum to achieve maximum penetration.


I wonder what was the cause of this. I'm betting it is the thickness and not the length. G-spot is said to be around one to three inches from the opening which may be a part of female prostate.


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## Batman4691 (Jun 24, 2013)

AlphaProvider said:


> Pretty impressive


I was impressed myself. 

Concerning hitting the cervix, my wife's must be incredibly far up inside because she never expressed any discomfort or pain. Although, by the time maximum depth is reached she or we have been slowly working it in. You can't just jam in something that large.


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## Batman4691 (Jun 24, 2013)

Suspecting said:


> I wonder what was the cause of this. I'm betting it is the thickness and not the length. G-spot is said to be around one to three inches from the opening which may be a part of female prostate.


I've asked my wife before which is more important, thickness or length. She said it depends on how she feels from day to day. Some days it just feels better to have deep penetration, and others it feels good to be stretched at the opening, but a good combination of the two is really the best.


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## Suspecting (Jan 8, 2013)

Batman4691 said:


> I've asked my wife before which is more important, thickness or length. She said it depends on how she feels from day to day. Some days it just feels better to have deep penetration, and others it feels good to be stretched at the opening, but a good combination of the two is really the best.


My point really was that there is nothing that deep (like 10") into the vagina that would cause an orgasm. At least according to science. On the other hand there is a lot of nerves right at or close to the opening.


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## Batman4691 (Jun 24, 2013)

Suspecting said:


> My point really was that there is nothing that deep (like 10") into the vagina that would cause an orgasm. At least according to science. On the other hand there is a lot of nerves right at or close to the opening.


I am already guilty of hijacking this thread, and apologize to the OP, but in response to Suspecting,

That may be the case in general anatomically. However, there is always the brain and mind process to consider. 
Just the thought of taking in such a large male member for some women can be tantalizing and fantasy provoking all by itself. 

After all, the brain can be the biggest erogenous zone.


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