# Simply Can't Cope



## K.K. (Oct 25, 2011)

This is the first time I've been on this forum. I found out 2 months ago that my husband of 26 years had a brief affair with a women he met at a restaurant. He says he had oral sex with her 2 nights in a row. She was in town on business and lives in another city, which is a plus, He continued a texting and phone affair with her for 10 days. It was brought to light by my college age children that discovered a text on his phone and looked at our phone records. After a search of his computer, I came across hotels he was looking into to go and meet her in the future. I confronted him and he told me he was ending it (of course). I told him I chose to forgive him and wanted to move forward and move past this. He seems to have the same desire. He has treated me like a queen every day for the last 2 months without fail. Things have been better between us than they have in years. My problem is...I just can't get over this. I'm devastated. I cry whenever I'm alone and can't hardly function. He truly seems to be trying and wanting to make this work. How do I get past this? I'm not really angry, just in disbelief. This is so out-of-character for him. I really believe this was the only time this has happened. He seems broken and has begged me for forgiveness. Do I just need to grow up? I need serious help. Please someone give me their take on this.


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT (Oct 24, 2011)

Are you sure it's over?


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## K.K. (Oct 25, 2011)

I truly believe it's over. There is no evidence that it is still going on. She doesn't even live nearby and I pretty much know of his whereabouts most of the time. He has done everything I've asked of him without any argument. There doesn't seem to be any reason to think it's not over


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

IMO, you gave forgiveness too soon and too easily. Janis Abram Spring, in her book" How Do I Forgive You: talks about the consequences of this, "cheap forgiveness". It denies you the opportunity to full express your pain and have it acknowledged. It alswo denies the cheater the motivation to really make amends and to really examine his flaws.


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT (Oct 24, 2011)

I think in this case open and honest communication will be a great help. Tell him how you still feel and don't hold anything back. Until you can put that baggage down it will always weigh down the relationship and make true forgiveness impossible.


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## K.K. (Oct 25, 2011)

so, what do I do now? I've already made the mistake. I'm not completely blaming him. I've never been unfaithful or even considered it, but our relationship has been really bad for along time. I just want to rebuild it and get over it. I just can't stop thinking about it. I look at her on facebook everyday. He says she doesn't even know our last name, but I'm afraid she will find us. I know I'm obsessing, but I don't know how to stop. I can't function.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Arnold said:


> IMO, you gave forgiveness too soon and too easily. Janis Abram Spring, in her book" How Do I Forgive You: talks about the consequences of this, "cheap forgiveness". It denies you the opportunity to full express your pain and have it acknowledged. It alswo denies the cheater the motivation to really make amends and to really examine his flaws.


Also, make sure there's transparency:

You need his email passwords
Facebook passwords
Phone statements to look for (and hopefully not see) her number
Anything of this sort

If he willingly gives you this information, that should hopefully make you feel a little better. If he fights it, he's still hiding things.


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT (Oct 24, 2011)

Might I make a suggestion. Make it a point to take you and your husband off of things like Facebook. During this healing process you don't need to be interested or worried about social networking and all of that garbage.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Have either of you attended counseling of any sort? I think you could benefit from individual and marriage counseling. 

I hope he is done and hasn't gotten better at hiding it.


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## K.K. (Oct 25, 2011)

We have done all of those things. He's given me every password and let me deactivate his facebook account. He's never been a avid social networking type person anyway. I'm more like that than he is. He has been completely open with me and answered every question I've asked. I feel good about those things. I just now am having a really difficult time moving forward. It seems like it would be getting just a little easier. If anything, I'm having a harder time each day. I am wondering if part of it is the fact that I had so much confidence in him. He has always been known for his integrity. People praise him for that. It it partly the letdown of this as well. Maybe that I've lost respect for him as a person? When I refer to "all these things" I mean email passwords, facebook, etc. We haven't been to counseling.


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT (Oct 24, 2011)

I would agree with HerToo then as well. I think counseling could do you both and your relationship a world of good at this point.


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## K.K. (Oct 25, 2011)

when I confronted him, he never even tried to defend himself. He confessed and told me whatever I asked. He didn't try to blame me or make excuses. He just begged me for another chance, which I granted. I have tried to make needed changes in myself as well. I recognize all these things. My question is...How do I feel better? How do I continue with my life when this is all I can think about?


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## K.K. (Oct 25, 2011)

are the feelings I'm having "normal"? Am I just expecting to much at this point? Is it just to soon?


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## Separated79 (May 28, 2011)

You know in marriage bow....It alway's says

For better and for worse....

Most of the couple only stay in better days...but when the worse day comes...some just give up that's why they never made it till the end...

You know the marriage bow says it all it's like a marriage prayer....

They always say's alway's alway's forgive somebody that hurt you no matter what cause...if you don't then it will eat you up.

Resentment is a dangerous thing to hold on to...

Try reading a lot of books about forgiveness...
http://www.marriagemissions.com/
try this site for good insight.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

It takes time. Have you done an NC letter (maybe not sending it at this point mind you but him to write it for your benefit and to keep and hold on to if she were to try contact).

You know you can actually delete an FB account. I find when the WS commits to the act of deleting and deactivating accounts it means more than you doing it yourself.

Have you read the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley P Glass (this book was a bright spot for me, really puts it into perspective).

Another good book is : "His Needs, Her Needs"

MC is a good option, IC didn't work for me, 4 sessions and I felt worse off than before. I'm almost a year out from D-Day (Jan). It does get easier as time passes but don't rush yourself and don't underestimate yourself or have too high of expectations.

Start doing stuff for you as well: gym, hobby, favorite books, treat yourself. Take care of you too. Us women (and a good portion of men) tend to neglect ourselves.

You can't expect a spouse to meet your needs if you don't meet your own needs yourself. Lead by example, he should do the same as well.

Sometimes we need to show what it is we need, want and desire. Not just say it.


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT (Oct 24, 2011)

If you read some books on the subject and even look over some posts from others it's said many times it can take 2-5 years to get over an affair. That doesn't mean you're going to feel the same way for all those years. It just means that the healing process isn't swift one. If you continue on a path of forgiveness and healing with your husband it will get better. Just think of the alternative that some of us face. Denial, lying, affairs continuing, and nothing but complete munipulation. You may not believe it or see it now but you're in a fairly good place with someone who seems to care and want to make things right.


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## K.K. (Oct 25, 2011)

CantePe said:


> It takes time. Have you done an NC letter (maybe not sending it at this point mind you but him to write it for your benefit and to keep and hold on to if she were to try contact).
> 
> You know you can actually delete an FB account. I find when the WS commits to the act of deleting and deactivating accounts it means more than you doing it yourself.
> 
> ...


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## K.K. (Oct 25, 2011)

please explain "NC" letter. I've not heard of that before. I am dragging my feet on the counseling as well. I've heard so many people say it did them no good. I just don't know.


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT (Oct 24, 2011)

The NC letter is something your husband drafts himself and you approve. It's a letter to the other woman telling her things are over and there will never ever be any contact of any kind again. He will not be contacting her at all ever again and he's asking her that she never attempt to contact him again either.


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## Misery stinks (Oct 21, 2011)

I could have written the exact same point as you, so I know how you feel. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I've been reading book after book about infedelity and the books keep saying that it does get better, but it just takes time. It sounds like everything you are feeling is totally normal. Sorry you're going through this nightmare too.


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## K.K. (Oct 25, 2011)

He actually did tell her those things through a text message. He then blocked her number and changed his cell number. I felt good about that. I have watched his emails, cell records, etc.


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT (Oct 24, 2011)

I hate to use this as an example but think of the death of a loved one. When you're in deep grief you never think you will be able to stop crying and go on with your life. What happens though? Time heals all wounds.


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## K.K. (Oct 25, 2011)

to "Misery Stinks". Thanks, I'm sorry for you too. The worst part about this is that we are both devoted Christians. This makes it worse. I don't know if this is in any way a Christian forum, but if anyone is a Christian, you know where I'm coming from.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Alot of similar feelings that I experienced as well

Tips-

See your doc about the anxiety and get a STD test, have your husband also get one

Spend more tome together doing things with just the two of you

Open the doors of communication and don't be afraid to tell him how you feel, encourage the same from him

Click the my story link as we have some similarities
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## K.K. (Oct 25, 2011)

To "Making sense of it". I thought of that as well. I think death might have been easier, to not sound terrible. At least death wouldn't have been a choice. I really do believe he's sorry. I guess it could be so much worse. I just want to feel good again.


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## K.K. (Oct 25, 2011)

thanks "Almost Recovered". I started reading your story. I will have to finish it later. My dad was unfaithful to my mom as well. Here I am in the same position. I think that was what is making this so difficult. I always felt so secure and trusted my husband so much. No one would have ever made me believe this if I hadn't heard it out of his mouth. The only security I've ever known has been shattered.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Lol take your time . I'm long winded
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## K.K. (Oct 25, 2011)

I am also struggling with the fact that this was a "stanger" pick-up, oral sex and continuing emotional affair through texting and phone calls (mostly texting). Should this matter at all or is an "affair" an "affair" not matter what level it's on?


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## K.K. (Oct 25, 2011)

to "Almost Recovered". You mentioned STD's. My husband admitted to having oral sex. He used a condom, she didn't. so in other words, he exposed himself by giving her oral sex. She told him she is in an "open marriage" and her husband's facebook points to that. So do I have a high risk of STD's with this. what is your opinion? I've searched online and come up with lots of differing advice.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Well it makes Aids unlikely (thankfully) but you can get clymidia in your throat from oral
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Btw don't believe that she was certainly in an open marriage, she could have been lying (or your husband lied). You should consider contacting her husband
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> Well it makes Aids unlikely (thankfully) but you can get clymidia in your throat from oral
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I believe syphilis as well no? How about herpes too? Fungal infections, staph infections strep is located naturally in the anal and vaginal (sic genital) area.

Both strep and staph untreated can cause things like scarlet fever, rheumatic fever, MRSA potentials with staph...

Oral sex is not as innocent as most people think it is...most think that penetration is more apt to get you sick. HIV\AIDS is still a problem even if it's oral (VERY RARE but documented). This woman is in an open marriage, both sides possibly have multiple partners and probably don't get tested as they have a false sense of security ...I'm assuming though but never say never except to say never can be too safe with caution.


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## K.K. (Oct 25, 2011)

Am I over analyzing the fact that it was physical? I know there are alot of emotional affairs being discussed on here. Is that worse? I didn't feel as badly until I found out he had been sexual with her. Why does it seem like actually touching her is worse than being emotionally involved. Although, he was actually both, it did start out sexually and moved into emotional.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

If you can find a good counselor, it will work if you put in the effort. You need it at least for yourself. Perhaps you should start there so that you can talk about your feelings and what you want next. Then move on to MC. 

I'm in IC now for my EA. We are going to start MC soon.

You can check references online.


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## K.K. (Oct 25, 2011)

I am making to much of this. I know people cheat every day and their spouse just moves on. Everyone tells me my marriage can be stronger than it ever has been in the past. I just can't seem to see that. Things are better and we are making an effort, but this terrible dark cloud hangs over me all the time. I am anxious and can't concentrate on simple things, like work, etc. My husband is visibly trying to make me happy and is willing to do whatever I ask. Our physical relationship is better than it has been in years. He is the only person I've ever been with and as far as I know, she is the only other person he has ever been with besides me. We were high school sweethearts and married in college. Am I clinging to him too much. It is so odd, but the only comfort I feel is when we are together. I feel like that is because, I feel like he really loves me in spite of everything that's happened. Do I just shut up and grow up? Am I over reacting to this situation?


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

K.K. said:


> I am making to much of this. I know people cheat every day and their spouse just moves on. Everyone tells me my marriage can be stronger than it ever has been in the past. I just can't seem to see that. Things are better and we are making an effort, but this terrible dark cloud hangs over me all the time. I am anxious and can't concentrate on simple things, like work, etc. My husband is visibly trying to make me happy and is willing to do whatever I ask. Our physical relationship is better than it has been in years. He is the only person I've ever been with and as far as I know, she is the only other person he has ever been with besides me. We were high school sweethearts and married in college. Am I clinging to him too much. It is so odd, but the only comfort I feel is when we are together. I feel like that is because, I feel like he really loves me in spite of everything that's happened. Do I just shut up and grow up? Am I over reacting to this situation?


I have gone through the same things you have. NO you are not over reacting. It truly does take time, and in my case a catalyst..a..moment of breaking point toward the better for lack of better words.

There is a point in time in the future where something will click and it will feel better and get better. I still verify (I'm not going to be made an idiot ever again or made to look like the "stupid house wife" ever again so I still verify).

You are not that far out and stats say it can take 2 to 5 years to recover as the betrayed. What you should be doing is talking to him about this too, it's up to the wayward to help heal the betrayed as well. Tell him how you feel right now, he needs to know that, he's not a mind reader.

All you can do for the counselling is try a few sessions, if it doesn't help ...stop like I did.

The more you verify, the more transparent and honest he is and the more he proves that he is transparent and honest and not continuing in the affair the more stable you will feel.

Have you tried the marriagebuilders worksheets with his and her needs (pdf format you can print out) and a relationship renegotiation contract with those needs? I know it sounds silly to renegotiate a relationship but it worked for us.

It also helps to schedule things like talk time without kids or interferences and I subscribe to date night all the way. I know some methods say it's a bad idea but I don't think it is. Date nights outside the home can help rekindle feelings and lust as well as love.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Stop listening to EVERYONE, who keep telling you to just move on

Not one of those EVERYONE'S lives in your shoes, and is in your situation

Why have you no anger about this, or maybe the anger stage just hasn't hit you, yet.

You say your mge., was bad, what was wrong with it, and why was nothing ever discussed/worked on to make it better, prior to your H., going out and feeling the necessity to cheat?????

What you haven't addressed and needs to be addressed is---WHY would your H. meet a complete stranger in a restaurant, hook up, and immediately have sex, do it the very next night, and then start to work on a LTA, which your kids caught---WHY did all of this happen

Next question is why is your H., groveling, and now all of a sudden being the best possible H, he can be---could it be, he is scared shi*less of facing D., giving you half of everything, and ending up in the big bad world on his own

There are lots of reasons for trying to stay married after cheating, and not all of them are cuz they love their spouse, WHY is your H., now all of a sudden "getting it", and fighting for the mge?????


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

K.K. said:


> I am making to much of this. I know people cheat every day and their spouse just moves on.


those people are rug sweepers (and continue in a loveless marriage unhappy) or simply aren't telling you how much pain they go through out of embarrassment or keeping things private.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

You may want to see a doctor about some mild anti-depressants. Just to take the edge off. I'm not big on immediate relief from drugs, but they might help. Stressing like this can put your brain off-kilter and temporary meds can put you back on track. You may think it's not textbook depression, and it may not be, but the symptoms are similar. People get depressed when they can't get bad thoughts out of their heads. Kind of like you.

Good luck.


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