# Torn up about my affair



## babyblues7 (Aug 28, 2007)

I've posted on here before about my husbands sexual addiction problems and mine of having an affair.

Some advice that I got was to proceed and try and make my marriage stronger and forget about the other man. Well I have been trying to do that, but the guilt and the fact that I am lying to my husband is making it difficult for me to get on with my life with him.

He is a very high strung guy and he can get extremly angry, so I havent told him about the affair, but I really really want to. I am very fearful of what the outcome will be and it is making my life horrible.

The guilt is so overwhelming that I dont know if I can continue to be married to him, to sleep in the same bed knowing what I have did that to him. I have lost weight and I think I am getting myself depressed, because I dont feel like the future holds anything for me anymore, because of this dreadful mistake. Does anyone have any advice as to how I should deal with this. thanks.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

When my husband told me about him kissing my friend I told him I wish it were a stranger that he was figuring it out with and never told me. But I really wouldnt want that either I am glad that it was a friend and that it came out I hate being in something fake so having it all out on the table is better I dont think that you should hide something that big from him its a big deal and he deserves to know.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

In your other posts you indicated you were not interested in working on your marriage. Has that changed? What kinds of things need to change for you both in order to move forward? I will recant on my advice previously to tell him of the affair. If you feel he might reach an anger level that would result in physical violence then you should refrain from telling him or tell him at a distance after you have left the marriage. We certainly don’t want to advise anyone to put themselves at risk of violence. If you elect to work on the marriage then you will need to understand why you did it, come to terms with it and forgive yourself for it. Address it with him later if you feel it is safe and after you have improved the marriage. Good luck.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

You have to set priorities. First, if you fear violence, you must not be there. Second, write him a letter and leave it in a place he can find it. With a phone number he can get in contact with you. You will have to arrange a place to stay before hand. Maybe a friend or family member he doesn't know. If you are going to have to leave him because of your guilt. You need to tell him. It is not fair otherwise. If you need help in composing a letter there are those here that would be happy to help. You cannot sacrifice your heath or that of your children's because of what happened. As wrong as you were for cheating, you don't want to compound his suffering by being sent to jail.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

yes I agree DO NOT say if he will hurt you in that way. And if he does do that already then leave do not stay with a abuser


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

I went back and read some of your posts for a time line. Correct me if I'm wrong. When you posted first. It appears that you were already a month into your your physical affair with the older man. What happened is you lost the moral high ground and could not confront your husband adequately because of you guilt. You were 8 or 9 months into the marriage when you had this affair. I take it you did not jump right into bed with this man. How long had you been in contact with him before you started the physical affair?


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## babyblues7 (Aug 28, 2007)

Initfortheduration said:


> I went back and read some of your posts for a time line. Correct me if I'm wrong. When you posted first. It appears that you were already a month into your your physical affair with the older man. What happened is you lost the moral high ground and could not confront your husband adequately because of you guilt. You were 8 or 9 months into the marriage when you had this affair. I take it you did not jump right into bed with this man. How long had you been in contact with him before you started the physical affair?



Well I started the emotional affair with this man in late august and it continued until december. It wasnt physical until late october. We had known each other for 3 years and had always talked but never went out anywhere. He had always flirted with me and sometimes I would flirt back. 

When the affair started I had been married for almost 2 yrs. 

And no I did indicated that I wasnt going to work on my marriage, but now I feel like I owe it do my husband to at least give it a try. And yes I think he could possibly get violet, he has some controlling issues and I dont know how he would receive all this information.

I did tell him about going to lunch with a man just to test the waters, and he got very upset and said that I cheated on him for doing that. Even though he has went behind my back and had phone sex with other women and all that. I cheated on him for going out to lunch in his mind.

I just want to make things right again and I am not sure how to do it.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Well, you will have decide how to move forward. You have been given some suggestions. But you're the one who has to live with it. I hope it works out for you.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

babyblues7 said:


> I did tell him about going to lunch with a man just to test the waters, and he got very upset and said that I cheated on him for doing that.


Proceed with extreme caution.


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## onlylonelyone (Jan 26, 2009)

I notice in your comments that you admit wrong doing, and justify it by your husbands wrong doing....You have to live with your decisions, he doesn't......I say this with concern that you aren't taking full responsibility for YOUR decisions and actions. It doesn't matter what he did. You are struggling with what YOU did. You let yourself down and no you don't have the Higher Ground so to speak. Don't hurt him by confessing your wrong doing, and possibly putting yourself in a dangerous situation. He isn't the reason you cheated, you are. What you should be pondering is if you are happy in your marriage, and should you leave or stay. My opinion about abusers is simple. That is there problem to solve. You never will make him better, just like he can never keep you from cheating on him. I sure hope you two don't bring children into this marriage. Not that you wouldn't be a great parent, just the abuse is no grounds for having a family. It ruins a lot of lives and it seems you have a lot on your plate already. You need to put yourself first, especially your safety. I have to say if he is abusive, and you are cheating, and he has cheated as well why would you even want to stay married to him? I am always very curious why people regard their life as something they can just give away to undeserving people. You are getting something out of this marriage that makes you stay. When you figure that out you will figure out what you need to do. I suspect it will be counseling for past abuse as you grew into an adult. You only get one life everybody, and it's too short to waste a bunch of years or even one day on someone that is wrong for you.


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## babyblues7 (Aug 28, 2007)

Thanks onlylonely, your advice makes a lot of sense to me.

I really struggle with how I feel about my husband. If he feels the need to go behind my back in search of something he is in need of and I feel that same need then maybe we just arent good for each other.

I am never going to be this sex crazed wife that he wants. I find it hard sometimes to even have him touch me because I feel like what he has done is a bit disgusting. I realize I have had an affair but he never seen me do that, luckily for him and me as well.

I seen the things he typed to these other women. I seen the nasty remarks and all the pictures exchanged...and I seen these things for 2 yrs....thats what I think about. I know why I cheated. I wanted some companionship and sincere gentleness. But I feel like what he did was just vulgar. I honestly fell in love with this other man and I would have never slept with him if I hadn't had any feelings for him.

The only reason that I continue to stay is because with him is home and I am fearful of being alone. I know that's no reason to stay in a marriage. I deep down dont think I love him anymore. I just am the type of person that really doesnt want to hurt anyone and I feel like I have let everyone down. 

I feel like I found in this other man what I had always been looking for but had never had in my relationship. I guess I always thought most men were like my husband and I have found that that is not the case. Sorry for typing so much and thanks again for the advice


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## onlylonelyone (Jan 26, 2009)

I really felt like you were too nice :smthumbup: The type that ignores her own needs for others. I have been there and it is a very frustrating position to be in. No one really respects you for that, and they don't appreciate it either. Your husband proved that. Thats why I said what I did. You only get one life, you deserve happiness. Try putting yourself first for a change. Take care of yourself, and really think about why you would suffer instead of hurting him. What makes him more important than yourself? Anybody that loves you would not want you to be unhappy for the sake of their happiness. My first husband was so controlling and abusive. I remember not wanting to leave because I felt sorry for him. He was abused as a child and it was very hard for me to see him as a grown man (strangely enough). I always saw this 6 yr old boy being thrown across the room. I made excuses and empty vows of being the one person he could count on. Truth is, he was an adult, and he had to get help. He wouldn't so me and my 9 month old son left. He has married again, no other children, and has abandoned our son who is now 17. I am glad I didn't waste my whole life on him. I am also glad my son wasn't raised in such an angry home. My son has suffered a lot from his father not being a Dad. I hurt for my son, but I can't make his father be a Dad. So you can want something so bad for someone, but really it is up to them, you really can't change them. You have to put yourself before him, period. Go get your happiness, and if he gets help and you still feel like giving it a go then by all means. I surely wouldn't expect it to happen anytime soon, and probably impossible for you to be in the same home while he gets help. It's funny your reasoning of not wanting to be alone as to why you are still with him. I used to feel the same way. Trust me......you will love having your freedom. You will love having your own mind, and own views. It is horrible to be controlled by another person. It was actually very difficult for me to remarry because I loved my independence and being my own boss so to speak. My husband is not abusive, so I don't feel like a prisoner, but I sure did back in my first marriage. If your literally scared to live by yourself I suggest an English Mastiff, lol.


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