# Urgent advice needed



## takeing-my-life-back

Is it always a good idea to tell the OMW?

Wife has been having a full on affair for 3 years. It's been on and off, a gap of nearly a year in between with no sex but certainly contact as they work together.

I found out due to suspicions I had and some tracking software. Wife constantly lied to me and told me it's over, only for me to find out a few months later that it was still on. Love my wife and constantly wanted to save the marriage. 

She felt I was not committed and dis respecting her after I lost my job. I was diagnosed with depression. Working again for two years now.

I have mailed the OM twice during this period asking him to stop. The second time I threatened to expose him. He moved departments within the company to a town about 40 miles away. He lives 90 miles away.

Caught them again November. 3 hours in a cheap motel. I moved out but we spoke and tried to work things out. I moved back in.
Seems she now see's him every 6 weeks or so. Initially it was several times a week. Says he makes her fell better about life. I got into deby when not working, all my fault and paying it off slowly.

I understand her reasons for starting it. I do not understand her reasons for carrying it on and telling me so many lies. Until I came to this site anyway.

They tried to stop when he and his partner had a baby. My wife did all the chasing and got him back again. She says they cannot stop!

After lurking here a few days I have had an awakening. Everything she has said and done has been listed here. Every lie every falsehood is all here already.

I have had enough. Will fight for the marriage until my dying breath, but only if she will. I want to tell the OMW. Know where they live and planning it tomorrow. I know it will cause her massive pain.

This is not for revenge, I am way past that. I want the truth to be out. Any R has to be based on total truth for everyone.

Have 2 kids, one of which knows a very little amount of what has happened and is messed up from it. For my part have been crushed to nothing more times than I can remember but have risen up each time. Felt suicidal often. Went to MC but a waste of time.

Now feel stronger than ever, want my life back, any life will do, even one without her but do still wish to try. As she says, for 90% of the time we are very good together. I enjoy her company, would be happy just being with her.

Know she has lived out fantasies with him, have seen texts, videos, the lot.

But as someone said here, want to live a dream not a lie.

Not in North America, laws very wife centred here. Need advice, but please no flaming, don't need that from this place.


----------



## EleGirl

Yes, it's a good idea to tell OMW. 

The advice is usually to expose the affair to as many people as possible.... to your parents, her parents, OMW, even OM's parents. And so forth. The idea is that affairs do not do well when they are out in the open.

OM will be dealing with his own marriage and is more likely to end contact with your wife.


----------



## takeing-my-life-back

Thank you EleGirl. Everything I read here has almost convinced me of it. 
The trouble is I don't want to cause this woman pain. I think she may have had a similar problem with her ex husband. I drove down there late November, waited to go in. I saw a childs birthday balloon in the window and could not bring myself to do it.


----------



## Complexity

She's in love with him. So what if the other man's wife finds out? you found out and nothing really happened, the same I suspect will be between him and his wife.

If you're serious about saving your marriage it first has to start with your wife losing feelings for that man. Even if they have no contact the feelings will still be there and it will just turn into resentment towards you. And as proven already, time and time again she goes back to him.

Time to man up and bring out the ol' 180.


----------



## morituri

When an OMW is told about the affair, the OM usually throws the unfaithful wife under the bus in order to save his marriage. So telling the OMW might just achieve this in your situation for you. Remember, it is not the truth that will devastate her, but her husband's actions of betrayal.


----------



## Thruhellandback

Dear TMLB,
You are right to stop the lies. I'm so sorry that you had to got through this. How strong you are to survive the whole videos/fantasy thing, intact. 

You should not put up with this any longer. She has no respect for you as a man and no respect for herself for continuing it in your face. I fear she is able to indulge herself in this

I agree with complexity though that telling the OMW won't accomplish anything. She probably had the child just to see if it wouldn't "fix" things so in a way she probably already knows that their marriage is broken. 

Just get out. Get your strength back and live some of your life. When she sorts out her problems and her addiction to this fantasy she has concocted with this guy maybe then you'll be both on equal footing and can start dating. In the meantime, you need to honor your own self and go LIVE YOUR LIFE. 

You are obviously a man that believes in commitment and are very strong. You seem to be very grounded and I love that you aren't just throwing venom at her when you write about her. That shows maturity. She obviously isn't very emotionally mature.

Fight the good fight. The one for yourself.

BTW if you have the "videos" and all the details....courts do not look kindly on that kind of behaviour. They will consider that cruelty.


----------



## takeing-my-life-back

Thank you everyone that has replied.

Complexity - intersting what you have said. I have accused her of being in love with him in the beginning. I am certain tht was true but not so sure now. She says it is a fantasy an escape. She holds massive resentment for me for getting into debt and felt I had left all the burdens on her. I can understand that totally.

Now they seem to be almost like F buddies. I am ready for the 180, in every way.

Morituri - I understand what you are saying. I still feel terrible about doing it, but feel I have to.

Thruhellandback - I have not really survived this intact. For a long while I actually thought it was right that I was punished by her. I reliase that was very stupid. I have also been to hell and back, I am not going back to that dark place.

The OM was about 6 months into a relationship, maybe a year not sure with his partner, they are not married. The child they have -she has two others from her previous marriage, is the apple of his eye. He would never leave her and my wife knows that. She has said this often enough. 

I am ready for what ever happens, D or R, but R will be very hard. There are so many things that have happened that I cannot even mention here. I have been used in ways that disgust me. Plus I know the rarely used protection and she lived out some of her fantasies.

Well I am down there tomorrow. I will update afterwards.

Thank you all again for your replies.


----------



## oldmittens

Telling OMW is the best thing you can do it's your best chance at ending the affair. I'm a little confused about a few things though. How long is the affair been going on since D-Day? (Discovery day) has she stated that she is unwilling to end it? also you mentioned that the affair stopped for a year why did she stop it Was it cause she wanted to try to fix your marriage or did the other man dump her? Does she know you know she's seen him again? Sorry for the barrage of questions just just trying to understand your situation. your wife sounds like a confused and selfish person and you need to stand up to her exposing to the OMW is a great first step but it's just the first of many. Good luck you don't deserve this nobody does.


----------



## morituri

Pain is inevitable, no matter which one you choose, D or R. 

You are nowhere near R and until she ends her affair for good, establishes NC and commits to doing the hard work for R, you will continue living in a one sided open marriage. 

Frankly I would recommed you filing for divorce for your own peace of mind and personal recovery.


----------



## oldmittens

morituri said:


> Pain is inevitable, no matter which one you choose, D or R.
> 
> You are nowhere near R and until she ends her affair for good, establishes NC and commits to doing the hard work for R, you will continue living in a one sided open marriage.
> 
> Frankly I would recommed you filing for divorce for your own peace of mind and personal recovery.


I completely agree.:iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------



## takeing-my-life-back

oldmittens said:


> Telling OMW is the best thing you can do it's your best chance at ending the affair. I'm a little confused about a few things though. How long is the affair been going on since D-Day? (Discovery day) has she stated that she is unwilling to end it? also you mentioned that the affair stopped for a year why did she stop it Was it cause she wanted to try to fix your marriage or did the other man dump her? Does she know you know she's seen him again? Sorry for the barrage of questions just just trying to understand your situation. your wife sounds like a confused and selfish person and you need to stand up to her exposing to the OMW is a great first step but it's just the first of many. Good luck you don't deserve this nobody does.


Heres the worst of it. Due to having suspicions for a couple of months I installed software on her phone. I know it was wrong but at the time I felt I had no choice. I knew something was going on but not with who. By March 2009 we were at MC. Here I confessed I had been reading her texts. The councillor diagnosed me as controlling and suggested I go to therapy. My Doctor Diagnosed me as depressed and told me that therapy would do me no good. Told me not to listen to the councillor and try to find an alternative one.

So First D-day was March 2009. She said it would end. I stopped tracking and reading her texts. It did not stop. I found out in July. Again she promised to stop, But did not. His baby was born in November 2009. Then I am 90% certain it stopped for nearly a year. He broke it off. I got a new job and worked away during the week. My paranoia got the better of me and installed tracking software on her phone again and in September 2010 It stated again, possibly started before this but I don't know. 

I came back and stated working down here. Told her what I knew. She said it was a one off, but it happened at least 2 times in late 2010. Then I tracked here again in May 2011 to a hotel, got there and phoned them both. She came out, we argued and I drove home, ready to go. She came back home almost immediately, lied and said they just meet to talk. I agreed to try again. Then caught them again in November. She confessed all, said they could not stop and that had seen him 5 -6 times in 2011. Seems the logistics are the only thing in the way for them.

As I said, at first I was in a very dark place, stopped being a big fish in a big pond at work and was unemployed. I felt she was right to resent me and could understand the need to seek some kind of solace elsewhere. I actually felt it was right to be punished in some way for letting her down, for tracking her etc. I now that was wrong, but at the time I felt the problem was all me.

So several D days. But no more for me now. I have had enough.


----------



## takeing-my-life-back

morituri said:


> Pain is inevitable, no matter which one you choose, D or R.
> 
> You are nowhere near R and until she ends her affair for good, establishes NC and commits to doing the hard work for R, you will continue living in a one sided open marriage.
> 
> Frankly I would recommed you filing for divorce for your own peace of mind and personal recovery.


I have seriously considered this and feel it's the only way forward. But in spite of all this I love her still. 

When I asked her recently if ever thought I was resentful of her, she said no, why would you? She is lost in her fantasy, with almost no thought for anyone else. She chases him, pleading to meet. Would do anything for him and anything to protect him, but knows he would not leave his partner for her.


----------



## AngryandUsed

morituri said:


> Pain is inevitable, no matter which one you choose, D or R.
> 
> You are nowhere near R and until she ends her affair for good, establishes NC and commits to doing the hard work for R, you will continue living in a one sided open marriage.
> 
> Frankly I would recommed you filing for divorce for your own peace of mind and personal recovery.


:iagree:
I think there is very little chance of R in your case. For an effective R, she has to will and sustain the efforts. Sorry for your pain and agony.


----------



## oldmittens

takeing-my-life-back said:


> Heres the worst of it. Due to having suspicions for a couple of months I installed software on her phone. I know it was wrong but at the time I felt I had no choice. I knew something was going on but not with who. By March 2009 we were at MC. Here I confessed I had been reading her texts. The councillor diagnosed me as controlling and suggested I go to therapy. My Doctor Diagnosed me as depressed and told me that therapy would do me no good. Told me not to listen to the councillor and try to find an alternative one.
> 
> So First D-day was March 2009. She said it would end. I stopped tracking and reading her texts. It did not stop. I found out in July. Again she promised to stop, But did not. His baby was born in November 2009. Then I am 90% certain it stopped for nearly a year. He broke it off. I got a new job and worked away during the week. My paranoia got the better of me and installed tracking software on her phone again and in September 2010 It stated again, possibly started before this but I don't know.
> 
> I came back and stated working down here. Told her what I knew. She said it was a one off, but it happened at least 2 times in late 2010. Then I tracked here again in May 2011 to a hotel, got there and phoned them both. She came out, we argued and I drove home, ready to go. She came back home almost immediately, lied and said they just meet to talk. I agreed to try again. Then caught them again in November. She confessed all, said they could not stop and that had seen him 5 -6 times in 2011. Seems the logistics are the only thing in the way for them.
> 
> As I said, at first I was in a very dark place, stopped being a big fish in a big pond at work and was unemployed. I felt she was right to resent me and could understand the need to seek some kind of solace elsewhere. I actually felt it was right to be punished in some way for letting her down, for tracking her etc. I now that was wrong, but at the time I felt the problem was all me.
> 
> So several D days. But no more for me now. I have had enough.



So it was May 2011 when you moved out? and for how long?

Has she said that she doesn't love you anymore?

I have to agree with what a few others have said here your wife sounds remorseless and cold and it doesn't look like you have much chance for a successful recovery. you need to expose to the OMW and begin separating finances start the 180. You need to show her that you won't be her doormat anymore and that you want monogamy or nothing at all. 

I must say the story boggles my mind I don't understand why your wife simply doesn't leave you or end the affair. She is the very definition of a cake eater and I've never been able to understand those people. Stay strong my friend go over the resources you can find on this site and start focusing on yourself you're not to blame for this no matter how much she wants to believe that.


----------



## warlock07

I am dumbstruck on how much the OP was willing to be stepped over. Doormat is not even close enough to describe the situation


----------



## takeing-my-life-back

I moved out in May for a week, she asked me to come back, said it would not happen again.

She says she does love me but cannot stop seeing him. 

I kept asking her why she has done this, that she cannot love me, why keep this marriage going. She says she still loves me and wants it to work. Yeah I know, before anyone reads this and replies, I know how stupid that sounds.

The term cake eater describes her perfectly. I can actually understand her wanting to escape from she perceived as my failure and the resulting pain it caused her. I do understand that. What I cannot understand is the lies, the constant bull sh*t and carrying on behind my back. Why not just end it? That really is the question I need answered. I guess I will have to answer it myself, for both of us.


----------



## takeing-my-life-back

warlock07 said:


> I am dumbstruck on how much the OP was willing to be stepped over. Doormat is not even close enough to describe the situation


As I have said and I know it sounds bizarre and stupid, at first I thought it was right that I was punished and that if I could show her I was still here for her it would stop. It was completely the wrong approach and all it did was allow her to carry on and mess with my head even more.

Plainly it took a long time for me to see the light, but when you truly love someone, even when you have seen the very worst of them, you will try anything and take almost any punishment. I have never run from a fight, and it seemed like something I had to do.

Things were very good before all of this, I just wanted them back, but did not know how to do it. I wish I had found this site before. I cannot understand why in years of trawling the web I did not.

Anyway, decisions are made now.


----------



## oldmittens

takeing-my-life-back said:


> I moved out in May for a week, she asked me to come back, said it would not happen again.
> 
> She says she does love me but cannot stop seeing him.
> 
> I kept asking her why she has done this, that she cannot love me, why keep this marriage going. She says she still loves me and wants it to work. Yeah I know, before anyone reads this and replies, I know how stupid that sounds.
> 
> The term cake eater describes her perfectly. I can actually understand her wanting to escape from she perceived as my failure and the resulting pain it caused her. I do understand that. What I cannot understand is the lies, the constant bull sh*t and carrying on behind my back. Why not just end it? That really is the question I need answered. I guess I will have to answer it myself, for both of us.



We all hold a 50-50 responsibility for a marriage whether it's good or bad. Now it's good that you have accepted your share the responsibility but and it's a big but that's no excuse for her affair. After the first D-day you attempted to change and offered her a second chance and all she did was Spit in your face and take advantage of your compassion and generosity. And she did the same thing over and over and over again. This woman has lost respect for you my friend her only interest is keeping her piece of tail on the side while she pretends to have a happy-go-lucky marriage. She's someone who's more interested in not being labeled adulterer then helping you deal with your pain and recovering your marriage.

The only way you're going to ever recover be that on your own or with her is to get away. She's on a dangerous path of selfishness and is beyond your help it's up to her to make the changes to fix your marriage you've done everything you can it's time to move on. My words may sound harsh and even cruel and that is not my intent but the point needs to be made you've done everything you can the rest is up to her. Get on with your life my friend you deserve a whole lot better.


----------



## takeing-my-life-back

oldmittens said:


> We all hold a 50-50 responsibility for a marriage whether it's good or bad. Now it's good that you have accepted your share the responsibility but and it's a big but that's no excuse for her affair. After the first D-day you attempted to change and offered her a second chance and all she did was Spit in your face and take advantage of your compassion and generosity. And she did the same thing over and over and over again. This woman has lost respect for you my friend her only interest is keeping her piece of tail on the side while she pretends to have a happy-go-lucky marriage. She's someone who's more interested in not being labeled adulterer then helping you deal with your pain and recovering your marriage.
> 
> The only way you're going to ever recover be that on your own or with her is to get away. She's on a dangerous path of selfishness and is beyond your help it's up to her to make the changes to fix your marriage you've done everything you can it's time to move on. My words may sound harsh and even cruel and that is not my intent but the point needs to be made you've done everything you can the rest is up to her. Get on with your life my friend you deserve a whole lot better.


Thank you oldmittens.

My mind is made up. Truthfully for the last week I have been looking at this site and came to the same conclusion. I am angry but I feel empowered for the first time in years. I am going to ask the OMW to call my wife when I get back. I want to welcome her back to reality, where other people exist.


----------



## oldmittens

takeing-my-life-back said:


> As I have said and I know it sounds bizarre and stupid, at first I thought it was right that I was punished and that if I could show her I was still here for her it would stop. It was completely the wrong approach and all it did was allow her to carry on and mess with my head even more.
> 
> Plainly it took a long time for me to see the light, but when you truly love someone, even when you have seen the very worst of them, you will try anything and take almost any punishment. I have never run from a fight, and it seemed like something I had to do.
> 
> Things were very good before all of this, I just wanted them back, but did not know how to do it. I wish I had found this site before. I cannot understand why in years of trawling the web I did not.
> 
> Anyway, decisions are made now.


Love can blind us to all sorts of things especially things that may bring that love into doubt. But you've already done the best thing you can do you've opened your eyes. Don't falter now do what needs to be done and expose to OMW separate finances and file for divorce. Give her the wake-up call she desperately needs.


----------



## Initfortheduration

:iagree::iagree::iagree: Expose and divorce.


----------



## morituri

In your first post you mentioned my signature below. Continuing in your present marriage IS living by a lie. A lie which gives her sexual gratification with another man. A lie that you have the power to end once and for all.

So which of the two do you prefer to live by? A dream or a lie?


----------



## takeing-my-life-back

morituri said:


> In your first post you mentioned my signature below. Continuing in your present marriage IS living by a lie. A lie which gives her sexual gratification with another man. A lie that you have the power to end once and for all.
> 
> So which of the two do you prefer to live by? A dream or a lie?


You know the answer to that!

I have been talking to her today, mentioned her being lost in the fog. She agreed it was like that and was an addiction. I asked her how he felt about her, she said he probably thinks of her as an easy f*ck.

I was surprised at her answer. Previously in the week I told her she had been manipulating and controlling me. Telling me lies abusing me. I told her that it was no different to domestic abuse. Today she said she agreed that was how it was but had never thought of it like that before. I think it really got to her.

I just recorded her. I asked questions about the affair and mentioned the OMW by name. She was upset to talk about it. I will play the recording to the OMW tomorrow.


----------



## oldmittens

takeing-my-life-back said:


> You know the answer to that!
> 
> I have been talking to her today, mentioned her being lost in the fog. She agreed it was like that and was an addiction. I asked her how he felt about her, she said he probably thinks of her as an easy f*ck.
> 
> I was surprised at her answer. Previously in the week I told her she had been manipulating and controlling me. Telling me lies abusing me. I told her that it was no different to domestic abuse. Today she said she agreed that was how it was but had never thought of it like that before. I think it really got to her.
> 
> I just recorded her. I asked questions about the affair and mentioned the OMW by name. She was upset to talk about it. I will play the recording to the OMW tomorrow.


TMLB By your own account she has done this before saying whatever has to be said and doing whatever has to be done to make yourself out to be the victim and to continue the affair. Do not change course to not let her manipulate you. Real hard consequences are the only thing that is going to put an end to this affair. Recording her was a smart move exposure is what's best for everyone involved even your wife and the OM. Severe consequences is the only thing that will get her out of the fog.


----------



## Chaparral

Never be sorry you investigated to find out what was going on in your own marriage. There are no secrets between a man and wife.

Also, if you read enough threads here, your best chance at saving your marriage, is to let the the OMW know as soon as possible. Not always but almost always, the OM throws the cheating wife under the bus to savehis marriage and stay with the kids.

Its like your wife said, all he wants is between her legs.

Good luck, make absolutely sure you don't tell your wife before you do it. She will warn OM and he will tell his wife you are just a jealous nut or make up some great story to tell her.


----------



## Shaggy

Wow - OldMittens is giving you amazing advice - listen well to him.

You need to understand your wife is going to fight hard and be angry because she has become accustomed to cake-eating or putting it another way:

Being completely free to have sex and time with this married OM whenever she wants and without consequence.

she expects to be able to have complete freedom without remorse to meetup with him whenever she wants too.

why - because you've not fully followed through on your stopping her. You foolishly backed off monitoring (well sort of), you came back after escaping, etc.

She is going to see this as just another attempt to stop her, but one that she can ride out and ignore in the end. 

You must show her that it's real this time. That you WILL never return to the status quo.

I think after you expose, you should also be handing divorce papers to her. 

She really must understand this time that it's the end.

AND DO NOT HINT OR WARN EITHER OF THEM FIRST!


----------



## cpacan

Shaggy said:


> She is going to see this as just another attempt to stop her, but one that she can ride out and ignore in the end.
> 
> You must show her that it's real this time. That you WILL never return to the status quo.
> 
> I think after you expose, you should also be handing divorce papers to her.
> 
> She really must understand this time that it's the end.
> 
> AND DO NOT HINT OR WARN EITHER OF THEM FIRST!


:iagree:
This is spot on!


----------



## warlock07

> She agreed it was like that and was an addiction. I asked her how he felt about her, she said he probably thinks of her as an easy f*ck.


Don't take her back because she hates the OM now. Don't take her back when she cries in self pity. They are self serving


----------



## takeing-my-life-back

Thank you all, I will not change my mind, nor will I tell them anything in advance. 

The trouble is, I do not want a divorce, although my head tells me I should. I am not going to tell her that though. I will in fact tell her I intend to start divorce proceedings and take it from there.

Ultimately I know where this will end, but I have fought so long for the marriage it still feels like giving in right now. Head says one thing, heart another. Head will rule. First I think I need to see how she takes all of this.


----------



## Shaggy

takeing-my-life-back said:


> Y
> I have been talking to her today, mentioned her being lost in the fog. She agreed it was like that and was an addiction. I asked her how he felt about her, she said he probably thinks of her as an easy f*ck.
> 
> Today she said she agreed that was how it was but had never thought of it like that before. I think it really got to her.


btw - I don't think either of this is a break through. I think it is just her saying stuff to keep you busy and thinking you're working on ending the affair.

She's happy cake eating and there is no, zip, zero, nada downside for her.


----------



## takeing-my-life-back

There will be tomorrow. I fully expect her to detonate on me once she knows what I have done. I am sure she will get extremely angry and will abuse me. I am ready for it.


----------



## Shaggy

takeing-my-life-back said:


> There will be tomorrow. I fully expect her to detonate on me once she knows what I have done. I am sure she will get extremely angry and will abuse me. I am ready for it.


Could you go dark on her and withdraw yourself from her anger somehow for a couple of days?


----------



## takeing-my-life-back

Yes, I can move out, recently inherited an apartment, it's not in a good condition but I could live there for a bit. I had it down as my new abode, over here the wife always gets everything. I have already been planning on refurbishing it, I don't have much cash right now so it will take a while.

I have been planning for a single future, even though part of me does not want to.


----------



## Shaggy

takeing-my-life-back said:


> Yes, I can move out, recently inherited an apartment, it's not in a good condition but I could live there for a bit. I had it down as my new abode, over here the wife always gets everything. I have already been planning on refurbishing it, I don't have much cash right now so it will take a while.
> 
> I have been planning for a single future, even though part of me does not want to.


So view this current plan as forcing her to go through rehab and to earn you back.

She obviously wants you - she just also has become addicted to cake-eating.

time to tell her that you aren't an option if she's also cheating.

So you're removing yourself - and she knows what she must do to get you back.

You're also removing her ability to have a safe affair partner with no cost to him. You're simply putting all the truth and cards on the table for all the players to see.


----------



## morituri

takeing-my-life-back said:


> over here the wife always gets everything.


For this reason, and without telling your wife anything, get your divorce plan in action. Hire an aggressive divorce attorney, hopefully one with a proven track record in helping men not getting screwed in divorce. Nothing is worse than being caught unprepared.


----------



## takeing-my-life-back

Shaggy said:


> So view this current plan as forcing her to go through rehab and to earn you back.
> 
> She obviously wants you - she just also has become addicted to cake-eating.
> 
> time to tell her that you aren't an option if she's also cheating.
> 
> So you're removing yourself - and she knows what she must do to get you back.
> 
> You're also removing her ability to have a safe affair partner with no cost to him. You're simply putting all the truth and cards on the table for all the players to see.


Shaggy, this is how I currently viewing it. Lets see how she reacts after a couple of days simmering on it. That will be the true test. I know she will bull me, I know she will say anything she has to. I am ready for it.


----------



## takeing-my-life-back

morituri said:


> For this reason, and without telling your wife anything, get your divorce plan in action. Hire an aggressive divorce attorney, hopefully one with a proven track record in helping men not getting screwed in divorce. Nothing is worse than being caught unprepared.


Where I live, about 6 hours or so ahead of your east coast, the women always win everything. Thats the way it is, especially with kids involved. I do have a few aces up my sleeve as far as divorce is concerned, some stuff that would really knock her sideways.

I am prepared. Just still feel bad about what I actually have to do tomorrow to an unsuspecting lady that seems to be a really nice person. And the effect on the kids. I have to do it, but it feels bad. I will not change my mind.

I am very grateful for every persons comments. My mind has finally crystalised. Yeah I know some of you are thinking WTF? 3 YEARS? but walk a mile in my shoes.

Thank you all, update tomorrow about 20:00 GMT.


----------



## aug

takeing-my-life-back said:


> Where I live, about 6 hours or so ahead of your east coast, the women always win everything. Thats the way it is, especially with kids involved.* I do have a few aces up my sleeve as far as divorce is concerned*, some stuff that would really knock her sideways.


Make sure you have copies, and keep them hidden away from the house so that she can not find them and destroy them.


----------



## Chaparral

takeing-my-life-back said:


> Where I live, about 6 hours or so ahead of your east coast, the women always win everything. Thats the way it is, especially with kids involved. I do have a few aces up my sleeve as far as divorce is concerned, some stuff that would really knock her sideways.
> 
> I am prepared. Just still feel bad about what I actually have to do tomorrow to an unsuspecting lady that seems to be a really nice person. And the effect on the kids. I have to do it, but it feels bad. I will not change my mind.
> 
> I am very grateful for every persons comments. My mind has finally crystalised. Yeah I know some of you are thinking WTF? 3 YEARS? but walk a mile in my shoes.
> 
> Thank you all, update tomorrow about 20:00 GMT.


You may be the bearer of bad tidings but the OM and your wife share 100% of the pain and hurt for both families. DO NOT let them shift the blame to you. As a matter of fact, unless there is something wrong with the OMW she will thank you and probably share ifno with you.


----------



## calif_hope

Good luck, should have happened years ago. Look shackoes nit respect you, she sees you as a 100% Beta make.

When you expose this she is going to be ashamed and angry and it will be directed at you.

You cannot be the forgiving husband yet, if you do she will still be in charge. Voice string doubts that you want to stay married, an i don't know, I'm not sure, I need time to decide. Do the 180. 

Also, expose to family....and friends, put out their you might possibly divorce, YOU need to control the message.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Complexity

takeing-my-life-back said:


> I moved out in May for a week, she asked me to come back, said it would not happen again.
> 
> She says she does love me but cannot stop seeing him.
> 
> I kept asking her why she has done this, that she cannot love me, why keep this marriage going. She says she still loves me and wants it to work. Yeah I know, before anyone reads this and replies, I know how stupid that sounds.
> 
> The term cake eater describes her perfectly. I can actually understand her wanting to escape from she perceived as my failure and the resulting pain it caused her. I do understand that. What I cannot understand is the lies, the constant bull sh*t and carrying on behind my back. Why not just end it? That really is the question I need answered. I guess I will have to answer it myself, for both of us.


We all run into bad times in life, we all go through struggles and pain. A dutiful spouse would not use their other's misfortune to build resentment or cheat on them. What happened to "through better or worse", "through sickness and health". 

You're overly hard on yourself and the fact you thought you deserved to be punished in this way is very depressing indeed.


----------



## TRy

takeing-my-life-back said:


> Seems she now see's him every 6 weeks or so. Initially it was several times a week. Says he makes her fell better about life. I got into deby when not working, all my fault and paying it off slowly.
> I understand her reasons for starting it.





takeing-my-life-back said:


> She says it is a fantasy an escape. She holds massive resentment for me for getting into debt and felt I had left all the burdens on her. I can understand that totally.
> Now they seem to be almost like F buddies.





takeing-my-life-back said:


> said they could not stop and that had seen him 5 -6 times in 2011. Seems the logistics are the only thing in the way for them.





takeing-my-life-back said:


> She says she does love me but cannot stop seeing him.





takeing-my-life-back said:


> I asked her how he felt about her, she said he probably thinks of her as an easy f*ck.


She has been lying and cheating on you for 3 years. No matter what she says, you know and she knows that she will cheat on you with him again because as she has told you she “cannot stop seeing him”. She is chasing him and they are “F buddies”. She knows that he only thinks of her as an “easy f*ck”. You allowing this for three years is the reason that she does not respect you. The fact that you “understand her reasons for starting it” as if you losing your job means that she can cheat, is so ridiculous that I do not know where to begin.

Bottom line is that there is nothing that you can do to save your marriage. She cannot love someone that she does not respect. She has zero respect for you and you can never get that back as long as you stay married to her. No matter what you do, the very act of staying married to her will cause her to not respect you. You are in a Catch 22. If you do not divorce her she will not respect you and will cheat again. If you divorce her she will respect you but you will no longer be married to her. You cannot have her respect and be married to her. Filing for divorce is not the same thing as divorcing her. You must actually go through with the divorce to earn her respect. Sorry but your marriage is over and cannot be fixed. Man up and move on. You will be happier in the long run.


----------



## Chaparral

TRy said:


> She has been lying and cheating on you for 3 years. No matter what she says, you know and she knows that she will cheat on you with him again because as she has told you she “cannot stop seeing him”. She is chasing him and they are “F buddies”. She knows that he only thinks of her as an “easy f*ck”. You allowing this for three years is the reason that she does not respect you. The fact that you “understand her reasons for starting it” as if you losing your job means that she can cheat, is so ridiculous that I do not know where to begin.
> 
> Bottom line is that there is nothing that you can do to save your marriage. She cannot love someone that she does not respect. She has zero respect for you and you can never get that back as long as you stay married to her. No matter what you do, the very act of staying married to her will cause her to not respect you. You are in a Catch 22. If you do not divorce her she will not respect you and will cheat again. If you divorce her she will respect you but you will no longer be married to her. You cannot have her respect and be married to her. Filing for divorce is not the same thing as divorcing her. You must actually go through with the divorce to earn her respect. Sorry but your marriage is over and cannot be fixed. Man up and move on. You will be happier in the long run.


Lots of men here have regained their strength and regained the respect of their wives after they were finally cconvinced to man up. Start reading here:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html

Then do this:

The 180
April 15 2011 at 8:48 AM Ami (Login Amistandingstill)
Healing Moderator 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So many on here are at a loss at what to do with a WS who is
fence sitting, cake-eating, ignoring boundaries, still seeing and/or contacting the other person, etc...

Many BS's are urged to go No Contact with their WS after ALL ELSE has failed.


This 180 list may help.
--------------------------


For those that are interested in Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180 degree list, here it is:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.


2 things to think about if you do this:

1) You have to do the 180 list NOT to be manipulative but because it's the right thing to do for you. You have to heal from this experience. You have to back off for your own sanity now. You have to have a plan and know that you will be a better person with or without them after all is said and done -- that you will live and learn and move on no matter what. So you have to be geniune when you follow these ideas, rather than faking it and being insincere because your only goal is to get them back. That's not what you want to do. Having a certain person as our spouse is not a need, it's a want. When I wrote down a list of all the definite needs in my life, I realized that almost everything beyond food, clothing and shelter is a want. 10 seconds after I looked at the list, I stopped making decisions based on emotion. That's when I realized that my wanting to have her was causing me to beg and plead for her to come back. That was driving her away more so I stopped doing it immediately. In doing my own version of the 180 list I could tell nearly an immediate change in her behavior.

2) Realize that when your spouse sees your new attitude they are very likely to be a little jealous or at least have some curiosity about what's going on in your life to cause this change. However, they very well may react the same way towards you for some time (especially if they read books or go to message boards also). REALIZE that this tactic can also work simultaneously on you if the spouse begins to likewise. Be aware of it and plan to have your own feelings of jealousy and curiosity in advance. However, like with #1 above, if you're doing the 180 list to better yourself and everyone involved, then it will matter less what they are doing.


Even if she never comes around this will help you be the man you should be in your next relationship. Good Luck


----------



## the guy

I've walked more then a mile in your shows (13 years), but thats another story.
When confronting the OMW be prepared for the deniel, remember you had it, I had it, we all had it.
Simply introduce you self and inform OMW that you are the husband of the woman that is sleeping with her boyfriend. Let her know you have proof and would also like to comfirm some things that pertain to their affair. Let her know you are looking for her support in "repairing your marriage".

Sure this is a lie but it prevent you from coming off as vengeful, which will come in to play when OMW confront OM. Also inform her that it is your intent to make this affair as uncomfrotable and as inconvienent as possible and you hope the same from her.

Deniel is powerful so be prepared to be told off and having your wife called a few names. Just restate that you have proof and when she is ready you will be available, and ask her to join you in making this affair as difficult to continue as possable. End of story! 

I suggest you keep it quick and to the point, once she ..if she sees the truth she will contact you. Don't push it, and give her the option to face this. 

Yours is just to inform someone of a train about to happen, it is there choice to get off the train or not.


----------



## happyman64

TMLB

When you meet the OMW tomorrow. You should have a 2nd var to record that conversation so you can play it back to your WW.

Tell her "I hope your 3 years of screwing around has been worth it. Congratulations on screwing up 2 families, not just one".

Then use the var to record her ranting and raving and save it for your divorce proceedings.

Good Luck tomorrow. You are doing the right thing. 

HM64


----------



## spudster

I agree with TRy. You need to accept the FACT that you are not going to save the marriage! The pig you're married to lost respect for you long ago when she used your debt as an excuse to hoitst her mainsail for another man. She's got your testicles in a jar on the closet shelf above the sex toys and lingerie she saves for her trysts with the OM. Sometimes after they have nasty sex they take the jar down, shake it around and watch your balls bang into one another. They laugh.

Why are you such a pushover? You need to get mean. Tell the OMW now. Why the hell wait one more moment?


----------



## working_together

takeing-my-life-back said:


> You know the answer to that!
> 
> I have been talking to her today, mentioned her being lost in the fog. She agreed it was like that and was an addiction. I asked her how he felt about her, she said he probably thinks of her as an easy f*ck.
> 
> I was surprised at her answer. Previously in the week I told her she had been manipulating and controlling me. Telling me lies abusing me. I told her that it was no different to domestic abuse. Today she said she agreed that was how it was but had never thought of it like that before. I think it really got to her.
> 
> I just recorded her. I asked questions about the affair and mentioned the OMW by name. She was upset to talk about it. I will play the recording to the OMW tomorrow.


Excellent move on the recording.


----------



## TRy

spudster said:


> She's got your testicles in a jar on the closet shelf above the sex toys and lingerie she saves for her trysts with the OM. Sometimes after they have nasty sex they take the jar down, shake it around and watch your balls bang into one another. They laugh.


:rofl: That is too funny. True but funny.


----------



## Thruhellandback

Quote: She's got your testicles in a jar on the closet shelf above the sex toys and lingerie she saves for her trysts with the OM. Sometimes after they have nasty sex they take the jar down, shake it around and watch your balls bang into one another. They laugh

You are a cruel individual. Yes this guy needs a reality check but this was destructive.
But what you wrote was hurtful. Haven't you read any his posts? He's fragile and hurting. THat kind of comment will just feed into his self worth problems.
This forum is meant for people to support and get help. Not for bullies who just want to think practice their stand-up comic skills.

SHame on you spudster for writing this and shame on you TRY for encouraging this kind of abuse and cyberbullying. 

I really hope karma bites you in the @ss, Spudster, and makes you cry like the coward obviously are by hiding behind the internet to bully people.


----------



## takeing-my-life-back

Thruhellandback said:


> Quote: She's got your testicles in a jar on the closet shelf above the sex toys and lingerie she saves for her trysts with the OM. Sometimes after they have nasty sex they take the jar down, shake it around and watch your balls bang into one another. They laugh
> 
> You are a cruel individual. Yes this guy needs a reality check but this was destructive.
> But what you wrote was hurtful. Haven't you read any his posts? He's fragile and hurting. THat kind of comment will just feed into his self worth problems.
> This forum is meant for people to support and get help. Not for bullies who just want to think practice their stand-up comic skills.
> 
> SHame on you spudster for writing this and shame on you TRY for encouraging this kind of abuse and cyberbullying.
> 
> I really hope karma bites you in the @ss, Spudster, and makes you cry like the coward obviously are by hiding behind the internet to bully people.


Thank you thruhellandback.

The truth is spudster has a point. But yeah, thanks spudster and try for enjoying my pain. I knew that I would get some replies I did not like but did not expect out right laughter at me. It really was not something I expected from this forum.

I will also try to record today's conversation, but I am hoping that I can persuade her to call my wife as well. I have narrow window between her getting back from work and the OM arriving home from work, then have to drive 90 miles bck. During my drive he will be coming back down to earth. I hope she will still be able to make a call to my wife.

Yes all this should have happened years ago. Why it did not I cannot say for sure. 

Thank you all forr your replies, but unless you are truly being constructive, please do not reply.


----------



## Thruhellandback

Well we all agree that it's time for you to take back control of your life but that's not the point. 

What's the point of making this kind of comment? He wants to look funny. SO Fing juvenile and adolescent. BUt mostly it's ABUSIVE. I have to deal with bullying at the junior high level all the time. These children's brains haven't fully developed yet and they don't register consequences the same as adults do. 

Looks like SPudster is retarded in his neurological development.

We are all behind you Taking-my-life-back. Most of us, if we could, we be there next to you to give you strength. You had the courage to ask for help at the risk of attracting this kind of abuse. That's big time balls man!

You will end up being stronger than most men I know.


----------



## takeing-my-life-back

Thruhellandback said:


> Well we all agree that it's time for you to take back control of your life but that's not the point.
> 
> What's the point of making this kind of comment? He wants to look funny. SO Fing juvenile and adolescent. BUt mostly it's ABUSIVE. I have to deal with bullying at the junior high level all the time. These children's brains haven't fully developed yet and they don't register consequences the same as adults do.
> 
> Looks like SPudster is retarded in his neurological development.
> 
> We are all behind you Taking-my-life-back. Most of us, if we could, we be there next to you to give you strength. You had the courage to ask for help at the risk of attracting this kind of abuse. That's big time balls man!
> 
> You will end up being stronger than most men I know.


Thank you. I knew some people would have strong views and expected to be labelled as a pushover. Did not expect that kind of response though.

One thing I did not mention is that I sent the OMW a message via Facebook in November. I got no reply. It seems she rarely updates it. I assume maybe he got to it and deleted it. So this is not my first actual attempt to tell her.

I now how to go through the fakery of pretending to go to work. Wife suspects nothing.

I will update later, once this has all hit the fan.


----------



## spudster

> Thank you. I knew some people would have strong views and expected to be labelled as a pushover. Did not expect that kind of response though.


It wasn't my intent to bully you. I'm not a bully. I am a guy just like you who's X-wife owned my gonads and cheated on me with multiple men (sometimes two at once in the same room) behind my back throughout a four-year marriage. Only difference between you and me was, I was unaware of her infedelities and oblivious to her actual contempt for me. Had I known sooner I would have ejected her sooner.

I'm an ex-Marine, and when I see a good man taking this kind of abuse from his skanky wife I get mad. I speak my mind a little too clearly sometimes. Maybe I should not have been so explicit in my attempts to describe the depths of the utter lack of respect, nay, contempt your cheating wife has for you, but if it illicits a positive reaction from you, a stimulus to turn up the heat and get mean with her, then I'm not apologizing. 

But at some point, whether you want to or not, this is the way you need to start looking at your wife. I think to some extent you still have her up on a pedestal, you still worship her because you have held her up so high for so long that if you take off your rose colored glasses and saw her for the scum she always has been, your perception of the world (everything you have believed and assumed was true about your life) would collapse around you. 

I don't know you from jack, just like I don't know ThruHelland Back from jack, but I can read your posts, and I can see clearly that you are grabbing for strings and trying any way you can to get back together with this woman. I mean seriously, is she really so stupendously hot and desirable taht you cannot envision a future without her? What is it about her that has you so convinced you would never find those same attributes in another woman? Think about it. 

Keep doing the 180, keep persevering, and don't take jaundiced and cynical jarheads like me too seriously. You got my support.


----------



## vickyyy

It is just laughable that you r feeling hurt by the comments of Spudster here but not with the behavior of your wife who is disrespecting for a long time and treating u like a ****.

I do not know why do some men stop behaving like a MAN.


----------



## aug

Yeah, at some point you have to say that the pain you're experiencing is of your own doing.


----------



## takeing-my-life-back

_Posted via Mobile Device_No need to apologise speedster. Much of what you sad is true. I will post more later but right now driving around near OMW house waiting for her to come back.


----------



## takeing-my-life-back

OK, it's done, not quite in the way I expected. It's minus 5 here and I waited around outside the OMW house for 30 minutes waiting, Saw the light go on and knocked. Spoke to her Mother. She was not there and would not be until 20:00. 

The Mother caught on quickly. She explained that her daughters previous husband ran off with another woman and that she is still going through the divorce nightmare. She said it would break her to find out about this. I gave her a data stick with emails, pictures, videos and some other stuff. She said she would F*uck him over when he got back but could not tell her daughter.

I said I understood, but that if I got an inkling of anything I would mail another data stick to her daughter where she works.

On the drive home told my wifes Mother. She told me to leave her, could not believe it. Disgusted and really angry. Tomorrow I may well tell their emplyer about the inappropriate use of company equipment, but still pondering on that one.

I will move out tomorrow evening. I will tell the wife tonight, later on, when the kids are asleep.

At VICKKKY, If you wrote the book on being a Man, please tell me where to buy it. Otherwise stay out.

At Spudster - You are right about my putting her on a pedestal, so right. But enough of that crap now. I won't deny I want her, but not at any cost and it's down to her now, if we do R, she has to do the running and most of the work. I have some other stuff to hit her with that I do not want to talk about now, but your right, she aint worth all of this.

Spudster, no need to apologise. Semper Fi!


----------



## takeing-my-life-back

aug said:


> Yeah, at some point you have to say that the pain you're experiencing is of your own doing.


Aug, yes, much of it is. But read my previous posts to get an insight into my mind. I wanted it to work, wanted to see I would do anything to make up for the pain I obviously caused her.

But that was then.


----------



## Eli-Zor

In one of your earlier post you made a threat to expose the OM at work , he ignored that threat , keep that promise and not only expose to multiple directors but find a way to mail a number of their fellow co-workers. What this shows is you are very prepared to shatter the affair dream what will be left is reality. Once the truth is known and if the affair stops you may have a chance of a relationship if your wife makes a radical change , if not you have made the steps to start moving on and heal.

I doubt the OM's wife's mother will have a satisfactory effect on him , waywards are arrogant and often feel immune . Get ready to speak to his wife directly . She deserves to know the truth as much as you do , her mother is not the one to make these decisions .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## takeing-my-life-back

Just told my wife. Not the reaction I expected. Dead silence and tears.

I really think the OMW will break from this if she finds out. I really do. I don't want them to split up, for her childrens sake. I will watch and see.

Told the wife it's divorce and I am moving out. 

Feel totally drained. Felt like I was having a heart attcak today. Too young I think for that but I need to try and sleep. Dont fell good or bad, just empty.


----------



## takeing-my-life-back

I may not respond for a day, but any advice or encouragment gratefully received.

Again, thank you all.


----------



## happyman64

TMLB

You are moving forward and taking your life back.

Her tears mean nothing. Judge her on her actions. And her actions for the last 3 years have been just horrible.

The OMW will be ok. She needs to know what kind of guy she is living with. If the OMW needs comfort send your wife over there to comfort her. She is the one that caused this mess. You did not.

Stay strong. Take one day at a time. Do not have a heartattack!!!

HM64


----------



## Eli-Zor

So you divorce your wife and she keeps on having sex with the OM , what about his wife . Read the posts about spouses who wished someone had told them. By pass the mother and go directly to the wife . She will decide what she wants to do with her marriage. You withholding this vital piece of information is enabling the affair and it will continue as the OM has nothing to fear at home or at work .

The mother is nothing more than a rug sweeper, it is shameful that she is prepared to hide the truth from her own daughter .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## working_together

Wishing you all the best. It's very typical she sat there in silence and tears, we see that all the time on this forum. She just can't believe you have taken back your life and are not willing to be further humiliated. You deserve much more.

good luck, and take care of yourself.


----------



## spudster

I would definitely follow up with the OMW to make sure she got the msg.

Get some rest and stay strong brother!


----------



## takeing-my-life-back

I thought about the OMW's mother not doing anything about it. I think she will but just in case I will mail him today telling him what I have done. 

I was surprised at the support from my wifes Mother. My wife is the favourite daughter. She was really angry and told me to dump her, that I did not deserve this and to get on with my life. She then told me some stuff about my Wifes Father and what he had done in their marriage. I knew a lot of this already but did not tell her that. She said she will speak to my wife today.

I know it's probably wrong but I want to give the OMW mother a chance, she was visibly upset when I told her and I do not think she will say nothing. The OM is such a weak spineless ar*ehole that he will sh*t himself when he knows what I have done. I think he will back off as fast as he can.

I will update when I have more. Have to go to work, plus pack some stuff. Might be a day or two.


----------



## Complexity

Good for you, I'd leave it to the omw's mother to handle it from here

good luck man and keep us updated


----------



## dymo

Complexity said:


> Good for you, I'd leave it to the omw's mother to handle it from here


I wouldn't. 

I think it was a mistake to leave it in the hands of OMW's mother. Given how quickly she caught on, I bet she already knew. I wouldn't be surprised if she's been rug-sweeping and enabling the affair, just to keep her daughter in blissful ignorance.


----------



## Complexity

dymo said:


> I wouldn't.
> 
> I think it was a mistake to leave it in the hands of OMW's mother. Given how quickly she caught on, I bet she already knew. I wouldn't be surprised if she's been rug-sweeping and enabling the affair, just to keep her daughter in blissful ignorance.


Her mum would know how to break it to her in a manner that won't give her a mental breakdown. Remember, her ex husband ran off with another woman and now her new husband has been cheating on her while she's been pregnant.


----------



## dymo

Complexity said:


> Her mum would know how to break it to her in a manner that won't give her a mental breakdown.


Her mom said she wasn't going to tell her. If that's the case, the best she can do is give OM her best scolding.


----------



## Complexity

dymo said:


> Her mom said she wasn't going to tell her. If that's the case, the best she can do is give OM her best scolding.



The OP said he's giving her a chance to tell the OMW. It will come out sooner or later. Either the OM will admit it under the pressure from his wife's mother or her mum would inevitably spill the beans as presumably she won't just sit there and watch her daughter be betrayed (again).


----------



## takeing-my-life-back

Complexity said:


> The OP said he's giving her a chance to tell the OMW. It will come out sooner or later. Either the OM will admit it under the pressure from his wife's mother or her mum would inevitably spill the beans as presumably she won't just sit there and watch her daughter be betrayed (again).


I had contact with him today. I mailed him at work and told him what I had done. He replied saying he would stay away and that it was finished. He said his partners mother told her and that he was trying to fix things. He asked me to stay away.
I told him I did not believe him and that I would seriously f*ck him up if he ever even made contact again.

I am in a worn out apartment freezing my arse off. My wife just texted asking where I was and if I was coming back. I am ignoring her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## spudster

> I am in a worn out apartment freezing my arse off. My wife just texted asking where I was and if I was coming back. I am ignoring her.


Why again did YOU leave? Why are you having to live like a monk while wifey is at the house you are paying for, all warm snuggly? :scratchhead:


----------



## takeing-my-life-back

I have not left, just wanted a day away. I will be back tomorrow. Just wanted her to see I am not at her beck and call. Then I am going to see some friends at the weekend. 
I got the heating working so all is good now, few beers and a DVD on the lap top.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## spudster

Ah, a crash pad. Good idea. Wish I had one.


----------



## Chaparral

takeing-my-life-back said:


> I had contact with him today. I mailed him at work and told him what I had done. He replied saying he would stay away and that it was finished. He said his partners mother told her and that he was trying to fix things. He asked me to stay away.
> I told him I did not believe him and that I would seriously f*ck him up if he ever even made contact again.
> 
> I am in a worn out apartment freezing my arse off. My wife just texted asking where I was and if I was coming back. I am ignoring her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Good work, stay strong.


----------



## takeing-my-life-back

Not much of a crash pad. Wife just called begging me to come home. Crying and begging. All the crap about how sorry she is. Told her to leave me alone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Bugz Bunny

takeing-my-life-back said:


> Not much of a crash pad. Wife just called begging me to come home. Crying and begging. All the crap about how sorry she is. Told her to leave me alone.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



She humiliated and abused you 3 years...Personaly I could never forgive her,but if you decide to reconcile dont forgive her to fast...she must feel consequences for her actions...

Good Luck


----------



## takeing-my-life-back

Yes, she called again and I reminded her, using the words manipulated, controlled, abused. I gave her everything I had. I told her I want a divorce. Ske kept asking how to fix this. I told her she cannot fix anything until she comprehends what she has done to me and our family.
I did it coldly, not enjoying it, but not in anyway upset or worried about saying it.

I kept saying 3 years! Turns out the OM mailed her before I got home yesterday breaking it off. She is sending me the mail.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Bugz Bunny

takeing-my-life-back said:


> I kept saying 3 years!* Turns out the OM mailed her before I got home yesterday breaking it off.* She is sending me the mail.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Dont be her back up plan...respect yourself.She is only trying to get you back because OM broke up with her.

She needs to see the enormity of her actions and how devastating her actions are for her family...


----------



## Chaparral

Supposedly broke it off.


----------



## Shaggy

chapparal said:


> Supposedly broke it off.


Again
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Complexity

takeing-my-life-back said:


> I had contact with him today. I mailed him at work and told him what I had done. He replied saying he would stay away and that it was finished. He said his partners mother told her and that he was trying to fix things. He asked me to stay away.
> I told him I did not believe him and that I would seriously f*ck him up if he ever even made contact again.
> 
> I am in a worn out apartment freezing my arse off. My wife just texted asking where I was and if I was coming back. I am ignoring her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Excellent, he's a complete and utter coward. And regarding your wife, be prepared for the water works and the begging to go into hypermode now that she's been tossed to the curb by the other man. She didn't have the mercy to look past your financial situation or the utter distraught she was causing with her sadistic affair and now she thinks you'll just get over it. Whatever you did in the marriage it cannot compare to the pain she inflicted.

I was thinking about you today and your situation and how someone can be so cruel and punishing to their loved one. Your complete helplessness throughout this time made me so depressed. I'm so sorry man, I hope you get a clean break now and start a healthy new life.


----------



## spudster

String her out a bit. Nothing wrong with making her wait for you. 

You know what you ought to do? Go buy yourself a nice set of really cool designer clothes and some kickin' Italian shoes. Pick a Friday evening where you know shes not going anywhere and get dressed up, put on some cologne, then start waliking out the door. Tell her she's taking care of the kids (don't ask). She'll see you dressed up and fine looking and wonder "what the hell is he doing?" When she asks where you are going, just say "...Out." Go out to a nightclub, flirt with some ladies (don't go home with one) until closing and then head back to the crash pad. Get a few hours sleep and then time it to arrive back home around 5:00-6:00 a.m. I guarantee you she'll be up waiting for you. She'll probably be sleeping on the couch. She'll demand to know where you've been. Tell her "out with friends," or something neutral like that. never tell her where you have been. It will drive her nutz! :lol:


----------



## Complexity

spudster said:


> String her out a bit. Nothing wrong with making her wait for you.
> 
> You know what you ought to do? Go buy yourself a nice set of really cool designer clothes and some kickin' Italian shoes. Pick a Friday evening where you know shes not going anywhere and get dressed up, put on some cologne, then start waliking out the door. Tell her she's taking care of the kids (don't ask). She'll see you dressed up and fine looking and wonder "what the hell is he doing?" When she asks where you are going, just say "...Out." Go out to a nightclub, flirt with some ladies (don't go home with one) until closing and then head back to the crash pad. Get a few hours sleep and then time it to arrive back home around 5:00-6:00 a.m. I guarantee you she'll be up waiting for you. She'll probably be sleeping on the couch. She'll demand to know where you've been. Tell her "out with friends," or something neutral like that. never tell her where you have been. It will drive her nutz! :lol:


Haha! that's a pretty good idea. I'm usually of the dignified exit strategy but after three years of humiliation, it's not so bad to give them a little taste of their medicine. She has to fully comprehend the grief she put you through.

Edit: Don't go home to soon either


----------



## takeing-my-life-back

Well I am back home. She phoned me 5 times last night begging me to come back, in hysterics.

I am here but not really talking. She cooked a nice dinner and cleaned the house top to bottom. My son iss pissed that I did not come back last night. He knows something is up.

She is being very nice. I am going to ask to see the full email the OM sent her. The one she sent me is obviously truncated. If she says no, well I know where her mind is.


----------



## aug

how old is your son?


----------



## bryanp

Why do you wish to be the door prize until someone comes along in the future for her? Get tested.


----------



## takeing-my-life-back

aug said:


> how old is your son?


He is 11.


----------



## takeing-my-life-back

bryanp said:


> Why do you wish to be the door prize until someone comes along in the future for her? Get tested.


I have. So has she, she is unwell at the moment and had a lot of blood tests over the last few months even.

I am no prize one way or the other. Just taking one day at a time, with no hopes as far as she is concerned.


----------



## Eli-Zor

takeing-my-life-back said:


> He is 11.


Regarding your son : extract below 


"Originally Posted by :
"Everyone should know what happened -- children, relatives, friends, and especially the children"

Be open and honest, you need to close this down quickly the children are not stupid. You tell the children because it is better for them to hear it from you than from someone else and you have control over how it is relayed to them, you are there to interact with them afterwards. The children also need reassurance that it is a "parent problem" and the parents are dealing with it. They also need to know they are not the cause as they tend to personalize.

The same can be said about telling children about an affair. My experience with the positive outcomes of hundreds of families where an affair has been exposed to children has led me to encourage a betrayed spouse not to fear such exposure. In fact, to mislead children, giving other false explanations as to why their parents are not getting along, causes children to be very confused. When they finally discover the truth, it sets an example to children that dishonesty is sometimes acceptable, making them the judge of when that might occur."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## takeing-my-life-back

Eli-Zor said:


> Regarding your son : extract below
> 
> 
> "Originally Posted by :
> "Everyone should know what happened -- children, relatives, friends, and especially the children"
> 
> Be open and honest, you need to close this down quickly the children are not stupid. You tell the children because it is better for them to hear it from you than from someone else and you have control over how it is relayed to them, you are there to interact with them afterwards. The children also need reassurance that it is a "parent problem" and the parents are dealing with it. They also need to know they are not the cause as they tend to personalize.
> 
> The same can be said about telling children about an affair. My experience with the positive outcomes of hundreds of families where an affair has been exposed to children has led me to encourage a betrayed spouse not to fear such exposure. In fact, to mislead children, giving other false explanations as to why their parents are not getting along, causes children to be very confused. When they finally discover the truth, it sets an example to children that dishonesty is sometimes acceptable, making them the judge of when that might occur."
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I find your advice very interesting. I want to tell my son. My daughter pretty much knows anyway. I will discuss it with my wife. If she is against it I will tell him on my own.

I am also seriously considering telling the OMW directly. I just do not want to be the cause of the meltdown she will have.

I just don't want anyone else to face my pain. Thats the truth.


----------



## Eli-Zor

I am in the camp that says whatever was said to his wife was diluted , or nothing happened. I suggest you tell his wife and expose him at work for using company equipment to conduct an affair.

When speaking to your children ensure they know you love them and mention the OM by name , they should know who he is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## takeing-my-life-back

Eli-Zor said:


> I am in the camp that says whatever was said to his wife was diluted , or nothing happened. I suggest you tell his wife and expose him at work for using company equipment to conduct an affair.
> 
> When speaking to your children ensure they know you love them and mention the OM by name , they should know who he is.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree with you, little of worth was said. The OMW mother would have said lots to him, he would have kept quiet and agreed to whatever she said. I saw the mail he sent to my wife -" **** came down to my house and told ****** mum I am having an affair!!! Do not contact me again". That was it.

Now I need quick advice, the 180, I am crap at it.

I make no secret of the fact I think I want an R, but each day that seems less likely.

She wants to talk, and less of a good ideaI am just saying I want to leave her, but that is not 100% true. In spite of everything I have a lot invested in this, yes I know, maybe I am a fool but I know I can forgive, not forget. I could easily torture her, but that's not me. In the state she is in I could easily mess with her head, but I am not like that. I don't need revenge. One time I did but not now. I don't need any more negative thoughts than I have already

Do I talk with her? I asked her to sleep in the spare room. She is crying. I said I would tell our son, she said not tonight, I told her the weekend.

How do I do the 180? Not sure if it worth it or not. Something says try. I don't give up easily, on anything.


----------



## spudster

> I saw the mail he sent to my wife -" **** came down to my house and told ****** mum I am having an affair!!! Do not contact me again". That was it.


One of the tenants of the 180 is "Believe nothing your hear and less than 50% of what you see." I would be dubious about this e-mail. This is one of the few she has actually _volunteered_ to let you read. There is a 50% chance she asked the OM to send this to her just to make you believe he is cutting off contact. 

I bet you a steak dinner the OMW knows nothing. 
You need to be bold and go talk to this woman face to face. 

Cheaters lie, use diversion tactics and they cover their tracks.

Your wife's tears are crocodile tears, her words to you are meaningless. Pay attention to what she does and not what she says.


----------



## Eli-Zor

takeing-my-life-back said:


> I agree with you, little of worth was said. The OMW mother would have said lots to him, he would have kept quiet and agreed to whatever she said. I saw the mail he sent to my wife -" **** came down to my house and told ****** mum I am having an affair!!! Do not contact me again". That was it.
> 
> Now I need quick advice, the 180, I am crap at it.
> 
> I make no secret of the fact I think I want an R, but each day that seems less likely.
> 
> She wants to talk, and less of a good ideaI am just saying I want to leave her, but that is not 100% true. In spite of everything I have a lot invested in this, yes I know, maybe I am a fool but I know I can forgive, not forget. I could easily torture her, but that's not me. In the state she is in I could easily mess with her head, but I am not like that. I don't need revenge. One time I did but not now. I don't need any more negative thoughts than I have already
> 
> Do I talk with her? I asked her to sleep in the spare room. She is crying. I said I would tell our son, she said not tonight, I told her the weekend.
> 
> How do I do the 180? Not sure if it worth it or not. Something says try. I don't give up easily, on anything.


Small steps , be calm and do not show your hand or anger

Tell your children
Contact his wife and provide the evidence
If you have the mail addresses of some of their co-workers mail them 
Contact the HR director , copy the other directors and advise them of his adultery
Your wife leaves the company ASAP.
She hand writes a no contact letter 

Read the following thread it gives pointers for exposure and no contact letters
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Eli-Zor

Link below 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## takeing-my-life-back

spudster said:


> One of the tenants of the 180 is "Believe nothing your hear and less than 50% of what you see." I would be dubious about this e-mail. This is one of the few she has actually _volunteered_ to let you read. There is a 50% chance she asked the OM to send this to her just to make you believe he is cutting off contact.
> 
> I bet you a steak dinner the OMW knows nothing.
> You need to be bold and go talk to this woman face to face.
> 
> Cheaters lie, use diversion tactics and they cover their tracks.
> 
> Your wife's tears are crocodile tears, her words to you are meaningless. Pay attention to what she does and not what she says.


I don't believe the email he sent me and told him. I also am 99% certain he has not confessed to his partner. I do think the mother said something, she was very angry, but wanted to protect her daughter most of all.

Do I communicate with my wife? Do I ask her what she wants to talk about? I am trying to avoid her. Will be back late tomorrow night. I am just going to a movie but will not tell her that.

Do I let her stew for while or talk?


----------



## CH

takeing-my-life-back said:


> I don't believe the email he sent me and told him. I also am 99% certain he has not confessed to his partner. I do think the mother said something, she was very angry, but wanted to protect her daughter most of all.
> 
> Do I communicate with my wife? Do I ask her what she wants to talk about? I am trying to avoid her. Will be back late tomorrow night. I am just going to a movie but will not tell her that.
> 
> Do I let her stew for while or talk?


Just go, don't answer he calls, don't respond back. When you get home and she's all hysterical asking where you were, just say you were at the movies by yourself.

If she doesn't believe you, hand her the movie stub and walk away.


----------



## Eli-Zor

. These are the things that should be non negotiable:

1. NC Letter - How this is accomplished will be up to you. She hand writes a NC letter to him via certified mail. Or you if you are more comfortable, have her send the NC letter to him while you are standing there watching. Naturally she can break NC, but writing the NC letter establishes a boundary that she should not ever cross.
2. Complete and Immediate Transparency - She should WILLINGLY hand over any and all passwords to any email, financial, social networking, online accounts, computer passwords, and phone passwords. If she isn't willing to be transparent, then she needs to leave.
3. Physically accountable - this means being accountable for her time. If she goes to work, then she needs to tell you when she's coming home and let you know if she'll be late.

The above is from lordmayhem 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## takeing-my-life-back

Thank you all, I will do as you suggest. I will not now be on here until later tomorrow night my time.

Thanks again everyone.


----------



## happyman64

Stay strong TMLB.

Follow up with the OMW. The OM is a liar.

Do your own thing and speak to your son.

He needs to know what is going on and comfort him as best you can.

HM64


----------



## spudster

> Do I communicate with my wife?


Only about the children and pertinent household business. Even then, keep your questions/answers to her to a minimum. Do not engage with her or discuss your relationship unless it is within the confines of MC. 



> Do I ask her what she wants to talk about?


No. Do not engage! If she wants to talk, let her talk and say what she wants to say. Tell her you have heard what she has said, but that you cannot take anything she has told you at face value, given she has lied to you so much before this. Then walk away. 



> I am trying to avoid her.


Don't avoid her. Live your life in the house as you always do. Just do not engage with her. In fact, you need to let her see you: interacting with your son, calling friends and joking with them on the phone, doing household work, with no regard as to whether she is in the room or not. This will show her that she has no emotional hold over you. Avoiding her will give her the idea she is getting to you, and this adds to her sense of power.


----------



## Complexity

You have to be very careful about the reconciliation process. She has to show you that she wants to reconcile not the other way around. If you just walk in ready to forgive and forget you'll just look like a doormat to her. Besides are you sure she crying over you or the fact she can't see her boyfriend anymore?


----------



## spudster

> Besides are you sure she crying over you or the fact she can't see her boyfriend anymore?


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------



## cpacan

Complexity said:


> You have to be very careful about the reconciliation process. She has to show you that she wants to reconcile not the other way around. If you just walk in ready to forgive and forget you'll just look like a doormat to her. Besides are you sure she crying over you or the fact she can't see her boyfriend anymore?


:iagree:
You have no way of knowing what her thoughts and feelings are. If it's her OM she is mourning over, which likely could be the case, she probably wouldn't tell you.


----------



## Complexity

I'm actually surprised he's chosen the reconciliation process.


----------



## calif_hope

The only I have, eat healthy, get sleep, stay away from the booze. If you need help sleeping, see your doctor, many BS have needed 'help' to get a nights sleep.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Kallan Pavithran

Complexity said:


> You have to be very careful about the reconciliation process. She has to show you that she wants to reconcile not the other way around. If you just walk in ready to forgive and forget you'll just look like a doormat to her. Besides are you sure she crying over you or the fact she can't see her boyfriend anymore?


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------



## Initfortheduration

She is in damage control. But I can guarantee you. After enabling her cheating for 3 years, you cannot expect her to now change. All you have told her is that you are tired of "THAT" man. She figures its time to save her marriage, let things settle down a little, then she can find some more strange. Do you doubt it? She has been "trained" to lie, and cheat. You accepted it for so long, just what makes you think it will be different. 

Also you may bring up to her, when you asked her about how he feels about her and she said "he probably thinks I'm just a piece of a$$". THINK OF THAT FOR A MOMENT. She was so brazen about it, that she literally didn't care what you thought? Why? Because there were never any consequences that she couldn't talk her way out of with you. You were her cuckold. 

You really need to get up in her grill on this. I would tell her, "Imagine, you actually told me you were his piece of a$$". You whord yourself out, and put my love for you through three years of hell. I can imagine the conversations you had with that POS. How you have me under control. And then have a good laugh while he is plowing into you".

Dude your wife was this mans recepticle for 3 years. She says something like that to you, and you are considering reconciliation. Good luck.


----------



## takeing-my-life-back

OK, I hear you all.

I am not ready to believe anything she says and I have told her that. I have asked her to go to councilling on her own to examine why she thought it was a good idea to treat me and our family in this way. She has booked it for next week.

She is often tearful and wants to know if I love her. I have not replied to her over that.

I sent her some of the info about R and fence sitting from here, not too much but enough to show her what she is. It really upset her.

She also gave me the passwords to her phone and laptop, but said she deleted any reference to him. She is also telling me stuff, things they did where etc. Last year was 4-5 times, in cheap motels. She told me other stuff which shocked me, did not expect to be shocked, annoyed with myself. I kind of knew most of it, just not the details.

She answers everything I ask, but I told her that I can take nothing at face value. She understands she says.

She stated she will do anything to try to fix this and understands that it may not be fixeable. I have asked her to tell the kids this weekend. She does not want to but will do. Her Mother has told her sisters.

I am still not sure which direction i go in. Takeing one day at time. I do need to see the Doc to try to sleep. I went once before and they wanted to put me on anti-depressants which I refused.

I do feel better. I am not allowing myself to think of any future with her. I have told her I am not even thinking of forgiving her.

Having said all of that, I do think she is trying. She has a long way to go and so do I.


----------



## Kallan Pavithran

takeing-my-life-back said:


> OK, I hear you all.
> 
> I am ready to believe anything she says and I have told her that. I have asked her to go to councilling on her own to examine why she thought it was a good idea to treat me and our family in this way. She has booked it for next week.
> 
> She is often tearful and wants to know if I love her. I have not replied to her over that.
> 
> I sent her some of the info about R and fence sitting from here, not too much but enough to show her what she is. It really upset her.
> 
> She also gave me the passwords to her phone and laptop, but said she deleted any reference to him. She is also telling me stuff, things they did where etc. Last year was 4-5 times, in cheap motels. She told me other stuff which shocked me, did not expect to be shocked, annoyed with myself. I kind of knew most of it, just not the details.
> 
> She answers everything I ask, but I told her that I can take nothing at face value. She understands she says.
> 
> She stated she will do anything to try to fix this and understands that it may not be fixeable. I have asked her to tell the kids this weekend. She does not want to but will do. Her Mother has told her sisters.
> 
> I am still not sure which direction i go in. Takeing one day at time. I do need to see the Doc to try to sleep. I went once before and they wanted to put me on anti-depressants which I refused.
> 
> I do feel better. I am not allowing myself to think of any future with her. I have told her I am not even thinking of forgiving her.
> 
> Having said all of that, I do think she is trying. She has a long way to go and so do I.


These reds are not good indications for any kind of R.
Choose the path of Green, you can at least become a man with self respect and dignity. She never faced any consequences for her whoring, because you are toooo weak as husband and a man. Man up man, don't you feel shame on yourself for letting your wife to feel some ones easy ****. If she have any respect or love for you and your marriage she should have never told these words to you. Even a ***** will not say this to her husband. show some self respect and dignity. Dont remain as her cuckold husband any more. You are tooo disgusting and sick man, get treatment for your sick mentality first. Then go for R after she realize that you are no more her doormat and cuckold husband to tolerate an easy **** for someone else.


----------



## takeing-my-life-back

Kallan Pavithran said:


> These reds are not good indications for any kind of R.
> Choose the path of Green, you can at least become a man with self respect and dignity. She never faced any consequences for her whoring, because you are toooo weak as husband and a man. Man up man, don't you feel shame on yourself for letting your wife to feel some ones easy ****. If she have any respect or love for you and your marriage she should have never told these words to you. Even a ***** will not say this to her husband. show some self respect and dignity. Dont remain as her cuckold husband any more. You are tooo disgusting and sick man, get treatment for your sick mentality first. Then go for R after she realize that you are no more her doormat and cuckold husband to tolerate an easy **** for someone else.


I came down to this morons level. I have edited my comments. I happen to know Hindi and Marathi quite well. I can swear and abuse quite well in these languages. I removed my comments as I do not want to be seen to be coming down to the level of the person whose comments appear above.

You refer to yourself as a thief. A south Indian would not get the insults anyway.


----------



## Kallan Pavithran

takeing-my-life-back said:


> I came down to this morons level. I have edited my comments. I happen to know Hindi and Marathi quite well. I can swear and abuse quite well in these languages. I removed my comments as I do not want to be seen to be coming down to the level of the person whose comments appear above.
> 
> You refer to yourself as a thief. A south Indian would not get the insults anyway.


Hey man I dont have any intention to hurt you as i am very well aware of your pain. But I wrote this to wake you to reality, some times some harsh words only can make them to see the reality. l am sorry for you man, if I was in your place OMG I should have done these things.
We cannot snatch love and respect from other people, it should come naturally from a wife towards her husband. If there is no love and respect then what is the use in remaining the marriage as some ones meal ticket? I know you are a good man, often this kind of things happens to only good people.

On another site i read a WWs comment it was like this "on that day (D-day) i realized, I lived with him for the entire marriage for financial reasons only, I never loved him but i cannot leave him, because OM cannot take care of this, so I decided to NC for a while still it get calm here, then I can continue the A, more carefully" I felt disgusting. A man who think his family is everything and working hard for it well being and wife without any respect and remorse staying in a marriage for only financial reasons and screwing the other man behind him even after d day. Husband may be thinking everything is fine in his home, and wife is really remorseful for her cheating, in true what is going behind him he may never know, as they took it very underground.

So make sure that your wife realize her mistake in true sense and truly remorseful, and truly wanted to R,else you will be the other husband mentioned above. Sorry if I hurt.


----------



## Eli-Zor

Take all this at a measured pace. Follow your plan and observe by her words actions and deeds if she is truly returning to the marriage. There is a lot of hard work ahead for both of you . 

Keep a careful eye one her , for your own benifit follow the trust and verify route . Tell her you are following a trust and verify process however the items you do not tell her are , load a keylogger on all the computers, if she has a smart phone do the same, activate the gps tracker on the phone or hide one in the car , and the VAR in the car is a must as it often discovers a hidden affair phone. Why would you do this , it seems like a lot of effort on your side and it is . On most occations waywards break NC and the affair goes deep underground only to be discovered much later , or in their words they want closure. The monitoring continues until you choose to stop and/or she continualy evidences actions at R. 

If your running the 180 be careful, it is a fantastic tool however it can hinder any chance of R especialy if the wayard is activly working on R.

Download the love busters questionairs and both of you fill it out . Go out on dates with her without the children , don't call it a date this is alone time for you and her . Another option is for the two of you to go away for a vacation as soon as , this enables bonding to occur. Limit the affair discussion to a set time and period , agree these rules wih her. Eventually for your own well being draw a close on the conversation. 

Love busters questionnaire below:

Love Busters Questionnaire
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Eli-Zor

The other observation I have I would be surprised in a three year affair they did not have a marriage exit strategy or at least discussed it . Perhaps for the OM your wife may have been there for extra sex for a woman it is very different , the emotional bond forms and her fantasy lets her believe in utopia .

Do not be surprised about this , I have seen twenty year affairs crumble once the secret is out and reality hits, the waywards remained in their marriages. Affairs are drugs that wayards are addicted to , for yourselves if R is successful you would need to agreed a set of extraordinary precautions for your wife to follow to affair proof your marriage. She has shown weak boundaries and these must be raised higher and maintained .

Be confident R can occur if both of you choose to work at it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lordmayhem

Its not unusual that the OP can be defensive and be offended by others but not to his lying deceitful WW who has dished out more hurt than someone on a forum can ever achieve. Walk a mile in your shoes? Every BS here has been in your shoes, some more than once. 

Detach using the 180, overcome your obvious codependancy issues. Your WW has been in a LTA. She will not let this go for a long time if ever.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Shaggy

So what about the OMW? Are the two of you going to remain in contact to monitor the cheaters? You know from past experience that even a few months break doesn't stop these two. They just wait out the storm and go right back to it.

So work with the OMW and touch base every once in a while or when something odd tweaks your gut.

What is you plan to track and monitor her long term? Again, they could just go dark for to months n's then meet up again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## takeing-my-life-back

Well guys I came on here for advice, not for abuse. Being called sick is not what I was expecting.

I have a gps in her car, long lasting. I will also place a VAR in there.

However, she has being opening up all week. Some of the stuff I knew, a lot I did not.

Turns out the OM came to my house. Twice she says but I think she is telling lies. She let me look at her laptop and blackberry. She deleted everything on it beforehand, but she is not good with technology and I found stuff. A video of him at home doing something. Plus saved instant messages.

They did it in the spare room. I am refusing to go in there room and will dump the bed and mattress, plus the bed linen. She said ok. I am triggering on everything. God only knows where else he went in my house. She says no where else, it was 20 minutes in 2010, both times.

She is seeing a councillor on Wednesday. She created a timeline. I saw it on her laptop and she asked me not to look but I did. Turns out when I thought they were having an affair they were not, and when I thought they were not they were. It seemed she finished it several times in the three year period, he finished it twice. She has some images of him with his partner called reasons not to, that was created in 2010, around December. She said she used this to make her realise what she was doing. It obviously did not work well enough.

She had admitted to things they did, I knew of this from monitoring her phone, but it was more often than I realised. I did not think I could still hurt.

At this moment I despise her. But I know part of me loves her. She seems to be in shock and is constantly crying and asking if I love her still and want to be married to her. I told her I do not know.

It's a D day all over agin, several times this week. Trickle truth as well, though I think the majority of it is out. You never can tell though.

I want to kill this guy, I truly want to squeeze the life out of him slowly.

I still have not told his wife. I really want to but I really do not want to destroy her.

I have seen with my own eyes the messages where they have agreed to stop. that lasted 3 months sometimes and once as long as 9 months. I think they stopped maybe 5 times in total.

I told her I think of her a Wh*re, and I do. she says she will do anything, get a new phone with an app that shows me where she is at any time.

I do think she is trying but I feel numb to a lot of it. I am off work today, could not face going in.

Any advice? No abuse please, or it will be my last post.


----------



## happyman64

TMLB,

You have done well so far. But you have to tell the OMW.

She deserves to know what her WS has been doing all these years. 

She needs to know so she can stop the A from her side.

And you should not feel that much hate towards the OM. It takes 2 to tango.

They are both guilty of infidelity.

I hope you can move forward with your life no matter which way you decide to go.

Good Luck,

HM64


----------



## aug

takeing-my-life-back said:


> I want to kill this guy, I truly want to squeeze the life out of him slowly.
> 
> *I still have not told his wife. I really want to but I really do not want to destroy her.*
> 
> I have seen with my own eyes the messages where they have agreed to stop. that lasted 3 months sometimes and once as long as 9 months.
> 
> I told her I think of her a *****, and I do. she says she will do anything, get a new phone with an app that shows me where she is at any time.
> 
> I do think she is trying but I feel numb to a lot of it. I am off work today, could not face going in.
> 
> Any advice? No abuse please, or it will be my last post.
> 
> 
> 
> So the long and the short of it is that she is willing to do anything



Allow me to be blunt. You dont want to tell the OMW because you do not want to destroy her? But really, she's already destroyed. She's like a zombie living her life, she's living in darkness like you were. Is that what you want? Do you yourself want to live with an adulteress, not knowing she's has lovers on the side? If so, then I can see why you want the OMW to do the same and wont tell her.

You need to have enough compassion for the other man's wife to allow her to decide what she wants. You have information that can help her live an aware life but you dont want that? 

The pain the OMW will undergo now and recover is better than one that stretches through the years. The same for you.

Your wife probably dont want to lose you as a financial provider. She so greatly disrespected you. She had sex with the OM in your house? Yuk! Divorce that woman.


----------



## takeing-my-life-back

happyman64 said:


> TMLB,
> 
> You have done well so far. But you have to tell the OMW.
> 
> She deserves to know what her WS has been doing all these years.
> 
> She needs to know so she can stop the A from her side.
> 
> And you should not feel that much hate towards the OM. It takes 2 to tango.
> 
> They are both guilty of infidelity.
> 
> I hope you can move forward with your life no matter which way you decide to go.
> 
> Good Luck,
> 
> HM64


I know I need to tell her. I will but when I am calmer. I am angry with her too. The one thing I did not think she did was have him in our house. I just cannot believe it.


----------



## Unsure in Seattle

My advice would be to tell his wife and, if you decide to reconcile with your wife, to keep your eyes and ears open.

If I was in your shoes, I don't know if I could R with her.


----------



## takeing-my-life-back

aug said:


> Allow me to be blunt. You dont want to tell the OMW because you do not want to destroy her? But really, she's already destroyed. She's like a zombie living her life, she's living in darkness like you were. Is that what you want? Do you yourself want to live with an adulteress, not knowing she's has lovers on the side? If so, then I can see why you want the OMW to do the same and wont tell her.
> 
> You need to have enough compassion for the other man's wife to allow her to decide what she wants. You have information that can help her live an aware life but you dont want that?
> 
> The pain the OMW will undergo now and recover is better than one that stretches through the years. The same for you.
> 
> Your wife probably dont want to lose you as a financial provider. She so greatly disrespected you. She had sex with the OM in your house? Yuk! Divorce that woman.


She earns more than me. Way more and could easily exist without me. I can exist without her too though.

I will bring up divorce tonight, if she can stop crying.


----------



## aug

takeing-my-life-back said:


> *She earns more than me. Way more and could easily exist without me.* I can exist without her too though.
> 
> I will bring up divorce tonight, if she can stop crying.




Good. Ask for spousal support from her. Move and protect/secure your own assets. If you have nothing, I assume the court would make sure that she provides for you after the divorce. 

Start looking for an aggressive lawyer now.

Change your will if you have one.


----------



## takeing-my-life-back

aug said:


> Good. Ask for spousal support from her. Move and protect/secure your own assets. If you have nothing, I assume the court would make sure that she provides for you after the divorce.
> 
> Start looking for an aggressive lawyer now.
> 
> Change your will if you have one.


I live in the UK. She would get the house, with the kids. I would still own half of it.

I have somewhere I could move to.


----------



## JustaJerk

I don't see how you stay in the marriage given the duration of the affair, plus the added insult that she [email protected]#$ed him in your home.


----------



## takeing-my-life-back

JustaJerk said:


> I don't see how you stay in the marriage given the duration of the affair, plus the added insult that she [email protected]#$ed him in your home.


Yeah, right now neither do I. I am sitting here deciding if I should get drunk or not. Cannot stop thinking about it all.


----------



## JustaJerk

I feel for you, bro... I really do, but the sh!t is just too much to handle. KWIM

This [email protected]#$ing guy was screwing your wife in _YOUR_ house... the house you built as a family together, only to have it soiled in that manner- [email protected]# THAT!!!


----------



## takeing-my-life-back

JustaJerk said:


> I feel for you, bro... I really do, but the sh!t is just too much to handle. KWIM
> 
> This [email protected]#$ing guy was screwing your wife in _YOUR_ house... the house you built as a family together, only to have it soiled in that manner- [email protected]# THAT!!!


Yep, thats how I feel. I told her she cheated on us all when she did that. She swears it was only twice.

Only!!!

She has poisoned this place to me.


----------



## spudster

Move on, my friend move on...

Next time, DO NOT MARRY AN ENGLISH WOMAN! Worst slags in the world, and American women are a close second.


----------



## takeing-my-life-back

lol, you got me laughing spudster, thank you. I think I will go and get a beer. Just the one maybe.


----------



## spudster

Cheers mate. Good vibes coming at you now<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<


----------



## takeing-my-life-back

And cheers to you. Got to start not caring about her.


----------



## Complexity

Glad to see you're doing better, don't fret over the OM, what goes around comes around. 


On a side note I didn't know Americans used the word slags lol


----------



## Jonesey

First thing you need to do is..Stop taking people´s word for thing´s. I mean you always seem to be surprised when
Nothing has happend.


*I have mailed the OM twice during this period asking him to stop. The second time I threatened to expose him. He moved departments within the company to a town about 40 miles away. He lives 90 miles away.*

*Wife constantly lied to me and told me it's over, only for me to find out a few months later that it was still on.
*
Why are you still surprised? Trust but verify…



*I understand her reasons for starting it.*NO ,NO NO ,dont ever go there. *I do not understand her reasons for carrying it on and telling me so many lies.* Goes with the terratory when it come sto affair´s 


S*he felt I was not committed and disrespecting her after I lost my job. I was diagnosed with depression. Working again for two years now. *And she respected you back with a 3 year affair..

*Says he makes her fell better about life. Know she has lived out fantasies with him, have seen texts, videos, the lot.* I bet she feelt good. Who was there to make you feel better *I got into debt when not working, all my fault and paying it off slowly.
*And another reason for her affair? really
*She felt I was not committed and dis respecting her after I lost my job.* Respect can at times be a funny thing…Dont you think?



?


*I know it's probably wrong but I want to give the OMW mother a chance, she was visibly upset.*And? its your problem because? *when I told her and I do not think she will say nothing.* Thats why you shuld be the one to tell..*The OM is such a weak spineless ar*ehole that he will sh*t himself when he knows what I have done.*Attitude you should have ,who cares about him. *I think he will back off as fast as he can.*
They all do.


*I am also seriously considering telling the OMW directly. I just do not want to be the cause of the meltdown she will have.*No ,you will not couse anything.OM did that with help from your wife.Sadly… She deserves to know..



*She stated she will do anything to try to fix this *

Ask here what changed? What happend with the resentment you claim was the couse for her affair.?
*She felt I was not committed and dis respecting her after I lost my job. * Again ,i mean you are still the same guy..

*She says they cannot stop! *And magicaly and suddenly
She can stop.Beg´s the question why,now?

Ohboy i could go on forever….

Personally in cases like yor ,i seriusly think your wife
Need´s some serious IC for a long time. Before a long term

Reconciliation can start.


----------



## spudster

> Glad to see you're doing better, don't fret over the OM, what goes around comes around.
> 
> 
> On a side note I didn't know Americans used the word slags lol


I've traveled some.


----------



## JustaJerk

You're telling me you haven't exposed to his wife yet? WTF?!

You need to get on that ASAP!

This is why it didn't stop... there were no consequences- you were/are rugsweeping.


----------



## Complexity

spudster said:


> I've traveled some.


lol, I can see and you're right by the way.


----------



## jnj express

Your wife amazes me---she wants to know if you still love her---she has murdered the mge., destroyed you, taken away your carefree life, taken away your peace of mind, taken away your trust, possibly in women in general, brought a stranger into your home, your castle, the only place that is truly yours, and allowed him to take her there in your home, in violation of her sacred vows to you, possibly sentenced her kids, her own flesh and blood kids, to a possible life of split homes, and definite misery, and she wants to know if you love her

What your wife is desperately trying to avoid is, you leaving, making her a single divorced mother of 2, with the label of adulteress on her---so she is desperately doing what she needs to, to keep you in the mge.

Make her take a poly---ask her one question, is she trying to win you back, cuz she loves you, or cuz she doesn't wanna be on her own

Let's admit it---what is really out there for her, if you leave----not much in the way of good decent men---she will get hit on for sex, for her money, for more sex, but these are guys are worth NOTHING, and she knows it

Whatever you do, and whatever you decide---right now---do not be mr. nice--guy, and do not be lovery--dovey---she MUST know ACCOUNTABILITY

I think you are taking command of yourself, and your life, and tho, you may have loved the woman who is your children's mother, she is NOT the woman you loved---that woman died 3 years ago, when she started to treat you, and her own children, as if you were nothing to her.

With all her carrying on and crying, and proclaiming of how she all of a sudden wants you----would she be chasing you, if her lover was still after her------that is something that needs to be put right out in front, of any possible R.


----------



## spudster

> Originally Posted by spudster
> I've traveled some.
> 
> lol, I can see and you're right by the way.


Complexity, 

One day (if my lovely wife lets me) l'll come to London and you, Takeing-My-Life-Back and myself ought to travel up to Scotland and get him laid. 

Scottish women are smokin'.


----------



## Kallan Pavithran

I dont know what this guy think about my comment,

To the best of My knowledge (from What he wrote) He is a spineless man, caught his wife two times from motel red handed, even after D days, what he did to stop her? he cried and forgiven immediately. can a man with dignity and self respect can do this? In my opinion NO never. can a man live with his wife knowing that his wife is a cheater and liar to her core and *****d her lover on his marital bed. OMG can any man forgive and forget this one like this much easily?.

She is crying now and he is worrying about her crocodile tears, WTF, WTF i don't understand that. Is it because he love her? No Never. Love is not permitting wife to **** around when ever she wanted. Actually he is a coward who is afraid of a life without her, he needs her even if she is cheating or ****ing around with 1oo men and she know that well.


Come on man you are in the fog of fear and insecurities. There is a world beyond her panties, the world of happiness, Trust, dignity, love and respect. Come out of her crocodile tears she is shedding to retain you as a cuckold and doormat. She is trying this only because she know she wont get a real man to be her cuckold and doormat

Come on man you can do that, you can man up and live your life head held high, you can live a life with pride, dignity and self respect. Open your eyes and see the beautiful world, out side her panties.


----------



## takeing-my-life-back

Kallan Pavithran said:


> I dont know what this guy think about my comment,
> 
> To the best of My knowledge (from What he wrote) He is a spineless man, caught his wife two times from motel red handed, even after D days, what he did to stop her? he cried and forgiven immediately. can a man with dignity and self respect can do this? In my opinion NO never. can a man live with his wife knowing that his wife is a cheater and liar to her core and *****d her lover on his marital bed. OMG can any man forgive and forget this one like this much easily?.
> 
> She is crying now and he is worrying about her crocodile tears, WTF, WTF i don't understand that. Is it because he love her? No Never. Love is not permitting wife to **** around when ever she wanted. Actually he is a coward who is afraid of a life without her, he needs her even if she is cheating or ****ing around with 1oo men and she know that well.
> 
> 
> Come on man you are in the fog of fear and insecurities. There is a world beyond her panties, the world of happiness, Trust, dignity, love and respect. Come out of her crocodile tears she is shedding to retain you as a cuckold and doormat. She is trying this only because she know she wont get a real man to be her cuckold and doormat
> 
> Come on man you can do that, you can man up and live your life head held high, you can live a life with pride, dignity and self respect. Open your eyes and see the beautiful world, out side her panties.


First, read what I wrote correctly. I know English is not your first language so try again. I have not forgiven. Nor forgot.

Second - F*ck off.


----------



## takeing-my-life-back

spudster said:


> Complexity,
> 
> One day (if my lovely wife lets me) l'll come to London and you, Takeing-My-Life-Back and myself ought to travel up to Scotland and get him laid.
> 
> Scottish women are smokin'.


That sounds like a plan. I knew a Scottish lady once, she was... very interesting.


----------



## takeing-my-life-back

jnj express said:


> Your wife amazes me---she wants to know if you still love her---she has murdered the mge., destroyed you, taken away your carefree life, taken away your peace of mind, taken away your trust, possibly in women in general, brought a stranger into your home, your castle, the only place that is truly yours, and allowed him to take her there in your home, in violation of her sacred vows to you, possibly sentenced her kids, her own flesh and blood kids, to a possible life of split homes, and definite misery, and she wants to know if you love her
> 
> What your wife is desperately trying to avoid is, you leaving, making her a single divorced mother of 2, with the label of adulteress on her---so she is desperately doing what she needs to, to keep you in the mge.
> 
> Make her take a poly---ask her one question, is she trying to win you back, cuz she loves you, or cuz she doesn't wanna be on her own
> 
> Let's admit it---what is really out there for her, if you leave----not much in the way of good decent men---she will get hit on for sex, for her money, for more sex, but these are guys are worth NOTHING, and she knows it
> 
> Whatever you do, and whatever you decide---right now---do not be mr. nice--guy, and do not be lovery--dovey---she MUST know ACCOUNTABILITY
> 
> I think you are taking command of yourself, and your life, and tho, you may have loved the woman who is your children's mother, she is NOT the woman you loved---that woman died 3 years ago, when she started to treat you, and her own children, as if you were nothing to her.
> 
> With all her carrying on and crying, and proclaiming of how she all of a sudden wants you----would she be chasing you, if her lover was still after her------that is something that needs to be put right out in front, of any possible R.


I asked her what will she do when I tell his partner and she throws him out, will she go running to him? She said no, she realises what she has done now. She wants to make amends, fix things.
I do know she and he tried to stop it several times. They were both too weak. I also was too weak to really stop believing her. 
Well that's in the past. I dont know what will happen. The more I think about it all the angrier I get. I am about to smash the bed in the spare room where they did it. I will leave it outside the front door for her when she gets back from work.

Then I am off up north to see some friends, all of which are female. It will really piss her off, but I dont give a sh*t.


----------



## takeing-my-life-back

ok, how do I tell his partner? She is a primary school teacher. I know where the school is. I can't be arsed to drive down there and wait for her to get home. I don't want to phone her at school, I don't have her mobile/cell.

I thought about a letter, with some evidence.

Opinions?


----------



## Complexity

spudster said:


> Complexity,
> 
> One day (if my lovely wife lets me) l'll come to London and you, Takeing-My-Life-Back and myself ought to travel up to Scotland and get him laid.
> 
> Scottish women are smokin'.


lol you got a deal! but those Colleen Irish girls are way better :smthumbup:


taking-my-life-back, send her a letter with all the evidence.


----------



## takeing-my-life-back

ok, will do that.

I am Irish btw, born here though so consider myself British. You are right about Irish ladies!


----------



## spudster

> ok, will do that.
> 
> I am Irish btw, born here though so consider myself British. You are right about Irish ladies!


I love the Black-Irish women:...selkies... black hair and blue eyes..... yum. 

Uh...anyway... tell the OMW. To not do so is cruel. Wait until she gets out of school, take her aside and gently tell her.


----------



## takeing-my-life-back

spudster said:


> I love the Black-Irish women:...selkies... black hair and blue eyes..... yum.
> 
> Uh...anyway... tell the OMW. To not do so is cruel. Wait until she gets out of school, take her aside and gently tell her.


You have been about spudster. You would of liked my mother when she was young, though she did not shed her skin, lol.

I think I will have to follow the letter riute. I just can't be arsed with driving down there, I have done it twice and drove all over the place looking for my lovely wife, fed up with driving now.

It's going to kill her though. That much I know. I hope it kills him.


----------



## working_together

takeing-my-life-back said:


> I asked her what will she do when I tell his partner and she throws him out, will she go running to him? She said no, she realises what she has done now. She wants to make amends, fix things.
> I do know she and he tried to stop it several times. They were both too weak. I also was too weak to really stop believing her.
> Well that's in the past. I dont know what will happen. The more I think about it all the angrier I get. I am about to smash the bed in the spare room where they did it. I will leave it outside the front door for her when she gets back from work.
> 
> Then I am off up north to see some friends, all of which are female. It will really piss her off, but I dont give a sh*t.


She wasn't "too weak" to stop her affair, she enjoyed it, got her needs met, and did not receive the consequences she needed from you. Unfortunately, always too late, we don't know what to do about it, we think we're doing the right thing by believing the other person, that the person will just come back to us at some point. Reality, is, they begin to lose respect for you, they see you as an idiot for putting up with their more than disgusting behavior, and worst of all they see the pain you are in, and lie, and continue to do what they want.

I'm a former WS btw.


----------



## takeing-my-life-back

working_together said:


> She wasn't "too weak" to stop her affair, she enjoyed it, got her needs met, and did not receive the consequences she needed from you. Unfortunately, always too late, we don't know what to do about it, we think we're doing the right thing by believing the other person, that the person will just come back to us at some point. Reality, is, they begin to lose respect for you, they see you as an idiot for putting up with their more than disgusting behavior, and worst of all they see the pain you are in, and lie, and continue to do what they want.
> 
> I'm a former WS btw.



Thank you, I have read your posts already. Thank you for your advice and insight.


----------



## spudster

> think I will have to follow the letter riute. I just can't be arsed with driving down there, I have done it twice and drove all over the place looking for my lovely wife, fed up with driving now.
> 
> It's going to kill her though. That much I know. I hope it kills him.


Just be patient. You'll find the opportunity to talk to her. Good luck and let us know how it goes. Stay strong.


----------



## Complexity

any updates OP?


----------



## movin on

morituri said:


> When an OMW is told about the affair, the OM usually throws the unfaithful wife under the bus in order to save his marriage. So telling the OMW might just achieve this in your situation for you. Remember, it is not the truth that will devastate her, but her husband's actions of betrayal.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------

