# Double 180 ??



## Petyot (Aug 31, 2012)

Hi everybody,

To make a long story short, here is in a few words what happened to me :

My wife gave me the “I love you but I don’t love you anymore” message 40 days ago. 3 days after that she told me that she needed to take some distance from me to “think about our marriage” and that she had found a place to stay near our house. 

My d-day was a few days later. I discovered that she was having a EA/PA since two months. I confronted her; she admitted everything and agreed to stop the PA but didn’t agree to stop seeing the guy (and I believe her when she says that there will be no more PA for the next few months). 

We both agreed to stop seeing, talking, phoning for the next four months (except when it comes to matters regarding our son). We split the custody so to have our son every 3 days and in a way so we can avoid meeting each other. She is now on her own in her new flat since last week with our son every 3 days. 

I was engaged 13 years with my wife, we married in august 2011 and we have a 6 year old son. I am 47, she is 41. She has almost every symptoms of a midlife crisis, except the fact that she realizes and doesn’t deny that she is in a midlife crisis… she agreed to see a psychologist and has already started but didn’t want to see a couple therapists with me. I am also consulting.

Is that a dual 180 ? Would it help us or is it counterproductive since we are both doing it ? or am I missing something (except the fact that you are going to tell me that the PA will continue…)?

Any help would be appreciated.

Thanks


----------



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Odd arrangement you have there. The big question is what do you want?

And stop kidding yourself about your wife ending the PA. She has her own place for God's sakes. Full freedom to keep it going without even having to answer to you.

I feel separation just adds fuel to the affair. It enables it. Heck, she doesn't even need a babysitter half the week - because you have the kid. 

If you both want to save the marriage, you have to end this limbo nonsense. Move back into the same place, she cuts all contact. ALL CONTACT. with her affair partner, and you go to counseling, etc, etc.

If one or both of you doesn't want to save the marriage, then just divorce. This thing you guys are doing will never work.


----------



## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

Im sorry! But what exactly is your question here?

I mean, what is it we can help you with?


----------



## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

Sorry man. Couples therapy will do no good if she continues to see the guy. And seriously, you know you can't believe that it won't stay physical just because she says. Even if that somehow happened (same % as a lightning strike maybe?), there would still be an EA, you cannot allow that. She ends it for real or you'll get trampled all the way to the courthouse. Think about what you want...and then stop allowing her to make the rules of how your marriage will go. She's already not committed and is bonding elsewhere. She's destroying your family, don't believe a word she says as long as she's cheating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Her asking for separation simply means that she wants to continue the affair without any interference. And don't believe for a minute that the affair is over, in fact, it's ramping up. And it gets even worse:

You are the back up plan. Nothing more. She gets the best of both worlds. She gets to continue to bang her OM any time, while keeping the door open to you in case it doesn't work out with the OM.

This isn't a double 180, this is her playing you.


----------



## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Double 180? No, More like she's having her cake and eating it, too.


----------



## Petyot (Aug 31, 2012)

Gabriel said:


> Odd arrangement you have there. The big question is what do you want?
> 
> *I want her back home one day. I am still in love*
> 
> ...


She won't come back to our house yet. 

So I have two options : I loose her right now or I try to give her some "freedom", some time to realize that she is in the fog and can have her back home after the fog disapeared.

That is how I understood the "just let her go"


----------



## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

And make sure you stick to your end of the 180 bargain. Like mayhem said you are being played, so any slip ups, I love you's, we can still make it work, etc from you will just tell her that her game is working. Go as dark as you can and stay that way. Let her feel what life will be like without you there to care about her. She may wake up. But as long as OM is in the picture you'd be a fool to treat her as anything like your wife at this point. You told her to stop, and she threw you crumbs. No respect.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Whar are you thinking my friend. A PA does not go to an EA. If she was having sex with him and still talking with him, she is still doing him.

She is having a midlife crisis, her own place, the kid half the time and no MC. Sounds like she has you right where she wants you.

If you want to R she cannot be talking with this guy at all and you need to be in MC.

If you truly want to play hardball file for a D and have her served. Then go no contact on her.


----------



## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Next time you meet her to take the kid hand over her the D papers. She is playing you man. She is having her cake and eating it too........

Definitely she is going to come back when she had enough sex from her OM.


----------



## Petyot (Aug 31, 2012)

I must add that I agreed to separate physically because things were going to escalate to the point of no return and that was not what I wanted. 

She is in the fog and I am shocked. None of us is capable of thinking clearly. Only time can give us that possibility.


----------



## Petyot (Aug 31, 2012)

Shamwow said:


> And make sure you stick to your end of the 180 bargain. Like mayhem said you are being played, so any slip ups, I love you's, we can still make it work, etc from you will just tell her that her game is working. Go as dark as you can and stay that way. Let her feel what life will be like without you there to care about her. She may wake up. But as long as OM is in the picture you'd be a fool to treat her as anything like your wife at this point. You told her to stop, and she threw you crumbs. No respect.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That is what I am doing. I stick to the 180


----------



## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Petyot said:


> She won't come back to our house yet.
> 
> So I have two options : I loose her right now or I try to give her some "freedom", some time to realize that she is in the fog and can have her back home after the fog disapeared.
> 
> That is how I understood the "just let her go"


You have to add some pressure to the mix. A fixed deadline. If you want her back, you have to have a certain time frame in which, if she isn't out of her fog and back in your home, then you will file for divorce. You have to let her know that you aren't her back-up plan.

Then see a lawyer and discuss what you should be doing financially before that deadline. Act as if you are going ahead with a D. Expose the affair. Find out who the OM is and expose him. And take care of yourself.


----------



## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Petyot said:


> I must add that I agreed to separate physically because things were going to escalate to the point of no return and that was not what I wanted.
> 
> *She is in the fog *and I am shocked. None of us is capable of thinking clearly. Only time can give us that possibility.


No she is not in fog, she is doing well aware of what she is doing.

For her you are only her Cuckold or doormat husband who dont have any problem for wife banging OM on your back and now in front of you saying it is a midlife crisis.
Her crisis will only end when OM dump her or you getting your balls back in the sack and telling her enough is enough.


----------



## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Mon Ami

I don't care what she said about not continuing the PA even though she is still seeing him.

If she is still seeing him she is still screwing him.

In her own place.

While you babysit.


----------



## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

Petyot said:


> She won't come back to our house yet.
> 
> So I have two options : I loose her right now or I try to give her some "freedom", some time to realize that she is in the fog and can have her back home after the fog disapeared.
> 
> That is how I understood the "just let her go"


No. "Just let her go" means "just let her go". Same with the 180. Point is to detach for real, pull back for real, prepare yourself for a new reality. She may see your progress away from her and wake up, but your focus needs to be on yourself right now. For real.

She wants space to test out how things will be w the OM. Do you really want to be there waiting for her with open arms if it doesn't work out? Maybe you feel that way, I get it...of course you don't want your marriage to be over for many reasons. But it is on its deathbed at the moment, and coming at her from a nice guy perspective will only make things worse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

A university professor with multiple PhD’s and extensive studies went to Japan and sought out a Zen master who was known to have great knowledge of the sublime.
The Master welcomed the Professor and invited him in, offering tea. As the Master was preparing the tea, the Professor listed all his degrees and experiences and studies, going on and on showing how much he knows. The Master stayed quiet all this time, attentively preparing the tea and listening to the monologue.
As the professor kept talking, the master poured the tea, filling the cup, and kept on pouring. When the professor noticed the tea overflowing from the cup he cried out; “What kind of master are you, can’t you see the cup is full?”
The master replied; “As the cup is full, putting more tea in is only a waste. It must be empty first to receive and hold what it gets.”


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Double 180? WTF? If I remember my high school geometry 180 times 2 = 360; which means you are still in the same place.

Have you even bothered to read what the 180 entails?

She screws around on you and lie to your face and you believe her when she says that she'll end the PA? That's like two naked teenagers promising not to screw each others brains out.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Petyot said:


> My d-day was a few days later. I discovered that she was having a EA/PA since two months. I confronted her; she admitted everything and agreed to stop the PA but didn’t agree to stop seeing the guy (and I believe her when she says that there will be no more PA for the next few months).


And you believe her?


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Petyot, I mean no disrespect but who the hell gets engaged for thirteen years? Why even bother to get married at all?


----------



## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> And you believe her?


This.

Why exactly? Because she looked you right in the eye and promised? She's never given you a reason to distrust her?

Well...now she has. Don't actively hold the wool over your own eyes.

Again, I get it. Most of us have had to reckon with a trusted spouse lying sincerely to our faces. That's when you have to choose to either 1: take it and hope things get better, or 2: call her on it and accept that the trust you once had is gone...and treat the situation accordingly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Kallan Pavithran said:


> No she is not in fog, she is doing well aware of what she is doing.
> 
> For her you are only her Cuckold or doormat husband who dont have any problem for wife banging OM on your back and now in front of you saying it is a midlife crisis.
> Her crisis will only end when OM dump her or you getting your balls back in the sack and telling her enough is enough.


This is harsh, but totally true. 

Petyot, your wife has ZERO risk here. She gets to play with another man while you wait in the wings. That must be kind of awesome for her.

I like the deadline idea. Clearly this is bothering you a lot. But she is enjoying life to the fullest. How is this fair? Tell her you need an answer by the weekend, or you will file for divorce.


----------



## Petyot (Aug 31, 2012)

Thanks to everybody who answered this thread. I will think about this during the week and the weekend. 

I think I understood what you all told me.


----------



## Petyot (Aug 31, 2012)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Petyot, I mean no disrespect but who the hell gets engaged for thirteen years? Why even bother to get married at all?


Maybe it is a wrong translation on my side. I lived with her for 13 years and we only get married last year.


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Sorry man you have to be here.
She admit MLC?, bulsh!t cop out to excuse bad bahavior. She agrees she's selfish, she agrees what she does is unaceptable only she doesn't give a damm. She's gone.
She started affiar and once busted wanted freedom to keep having it. She smelled the weakness and asked persission. She got it. From you.
She won't respect you ever again. Without respect there's no love, no sex, nothing. She can't respect someone who doesn't respect himself. She degraded you even before the affair, now you further devalued yourself on her eyes.

She's not asking time to figure things out, to clear her mind. If that was the case she'd end the EA portion also (BTW I'm sure it's already full blown PA, don't be that naive). With OM in the picture she's figuring out a sh!t.

Change the rules. Rob her the control.
Do you really need a smoking gun to pull the trigger? Hire a PI, you will the hard evidence she's still banging this OM.


Man, it's what it is.
Ongoing affair? = Divorce.
No remorse = Divorce.

Pull the trigger, she's too far gone.


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

The only way I'd wait for her to get her head straight is with OM totally out of the picture.

Sharing her is way worse than losing her.
Isn't it?


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Acabado said:


> The only way I'd wait for her to get her head straight is with OM totally out of the picture.
> 
> Sharing her is way worse than losing her.
> Isn't it?


:iagree:

Petyot, when you got married did you ever envision standing in line to get sloppy seconds from your own wife?


----------



## Greg40 (Aug 11, 2012)

You have to start thinking about and putting YOUR plan in place Petyot. 

Doing the 180 when she's already left the house with your persmission, is continuing her affair and there is no deadline or consequence for anything is not going to accomplish getting her back, if thats what you want.

In the middle of an intense PA would you be caring that your partner is acting 180 ? 

If they get bored banging each other, she might come back but, it wont be because you were doing the 180, it will be because you're the back up plan.

And for added fun.......she'll have another affair at some point because you haven't put your foot down on this one.


----------



## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

mahike said:


> Whar are you thinking my friend. A PA does not go to an EA. If she was having sex with him and still talking with him, she is still doing him.
> 
> She is having a midlife crisis, her own place, the kid half the time and no MC. Sounds like she has you right where she wants you.
> 
> ...


^^^^ this file for D


----------



## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Gabriel said:


> This is harsh, but totally true.
> 
> Petyot, your wife has ZERO risk here. She gets to play with another man while you wait in the wings. That must be kind of awesome for her.
> 
> I like the deadline idea. Clearly this is bothering you a lot. But she is enjoying life to the fullest. How is this fair? Tell her you need an answer by the weekend, or you will file for divorce.


I would have said you have 30 seconds to decide then file and go dark


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

I want you to ask your self this, out loud.


> Sharing her is way worse than losing her.
> Isn't it?


If you agree then act properly. Let her go. And do it ASAP.


----------



## Petyot (Aug 31, 2012)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Petyot, when you got married did you ever envision standing in line to get sloppy seconds from your own wife?


No


----------



## Petyot (Aug 31, 2012)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> 180 times 2 = 360; which means you are still in the same place.


I don't laugh often currently. But that made me laugh... Thanks


----------



## giashasa2012 (Aug 16, 2012)

I don,t now if she is in the fog but you are .
She will not have a PA with him and you believe her ,why? She has lied to you for 2 months if not more she deceived you about the separation , why do you believe her ? 

Don't try to minimize what she did and does , saying that's midlife crisis . Midlife crisis is not recognized by science it does not exist , you can have a crisis at any point of you life .

Crisis is a time of confusion . From your story i see no confusion i see a cold calculating strategy(2 possibilities) 1) i test my new lover if he is compatible good riddance of the old relationship if not i have my husband , my backup plan or 2)she has decided that your relationship has come to and end and wanted to make it more easy on you give you time to accept.

Even if you hope that she might change her mind assume the worst . That she has checked out . Every second that she is with him it's bonding time . Every second is 1 for him 0 for you.


See a lawyer . Begin divorce proceeding *don't tell her anything* until she has being served . Even if you are in no fault state file on grounds of infidelity and if possible home abandonment ( you maybe was ok with some time apart but you where deceived about the true nature of the separation , it was not to think about your marriage but to F*CK her new boyfriend uninterrupted by you).

You can anytime stop the divorce .
If she has not decided , a divorce my shock her to reality
If she has already decided then you will now

Do 180 and remember the 180 is not manipulate your WS to come back but for you to detach and heal


----------



## giashasa2012 (Aug 16, 2012)

Petyot if you want to understand how the mind of your cheating wife ticks go to doc.cool Affair Discussion Forum read the storys of the WS it will clear your fog in no time


----------



## Alyosha (Feb 27, 2012)

separation = freedom and privacy to continue the physical affair.

Tell your wife that there will be no separation so that she can try things out with her boyfriend (read: screw him silly) and have you as the back up plan in case things don't work out.

Tell her she has two choices: (1) 100% no contact starting immediately + IC and then MC; or (2) divorce and she can explain to everyone why she is getting a divorce (because you will have already completely exposed the affair to all of them).

Be the hammer or the nail. Your choice.


----------



## giashasa2012 (Aug 16, 2012)

I am against telling because telling gives her time to prepare and can and will probably be interpretet as pleading . I am for shock and awe . If your are her backup plan destroy that illusion.


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Lawyer up, make your maths, file and have her served.
When she calls tell her you changed your mind, you are moving on. And you this done yesterday.
No ''lets remain friends".


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Maybe it is you that is in the fog. 180 is not for getting her back. Once you start 180, you shouldn't be worried whether she comes back or not.

Have you exposed the affair to family friends. OMW and all concerned parties ?


----------



## Petyot (Aug 31, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Maybe it is you that is in the fog. 180 is not for getting her back. Once you start 180, you shouldn't be worried whether she comes back or not.
> 
> Have you exposed the affair to family friends. OMW and all concerned parties ?


Friends : yes. Family : partialy. The guy is single.

Maybe I am in the fog. I don't know anymore. It is a little confused in my head...


----------



## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Petyot said:


> Maybe it is a wrong translation on my side. *I lived with her for 13 years and we only get married last year.*


married 1 year and she's cheating already? Do you think she's taking the marriage seriously? I would think it's time for you to move on.


----------



## Petyot (Aug 31, 2012)

I went to her flat this morning at 8h to tell her that I was going to file.

I told her that I didn't believe her about the no PA with OM and by the look on her face I realize I was right not to believed her.

I made it clear that she was not in my futur. 

It's done...

Do I feel better ? I don't honestly know...


----------



## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Petyot said:


> I went to her flat this morning at 8h to tell her that I was going to file.
> 
> I told her that I didn't believe her about the no PA with OM and by the look on her face I realize I was right not to believed her.
> 
> ...


You might not feel better now, but you will eventually. You have your dignity and self-respect, and nobody, including her can take that away from you. And you know in your heart that you did the right thing.


----------



## Mike11 (Aug 25, 2011)

I am willing to bet she will scratch on your door very soon


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Mike11 said:


> I am willing to bet she will scratch on your door very soon


:iagree:


----------



## Petyot (Aug 31, 2012)

Mike11 said:


> I am willing to bet she will scratch on your door very soon


I don't know. I doubt. 

I think I took a decision that she had allready took anyway but she was just living comfortably on the fence. I don't even think I was the plan B, I was just just the good guy who was there to pay and support her new lifestyle. 

Not that she can't afford to pay for everything, she makes a very good salary but it was easier that way for her.


----------



## Petyot (Aug 31, 2012)

Another question : would you contact the OM (I didn't until now) to tell him to stay away from her or is it just a form of revenge that is unnecessary.

I have his email address and phone number.

I know I should have done it before but I didn't... I think that I am just seeking to harm her now that I let her go and do whatever she wants with him... Is that a normal feeling ? did you had that feeling after filing for D ?? I guess it my last try to have some control on her.

I am so confused!


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Petyot said:


> Another question : would you contact the OM (I didn't until now) to tell him to stay away from her or is it just a form of revenge that is unnecessary.
> 
> I have his email address and phone number.
> 
> ...


OM will just laugh at you behind your back because this looks so weak to him. So it will accomplish nothing. If anything, you should be telling him that he can have her cheating ass.


----------



## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

Don't contact the OM. You've already said you're going to file, so follow through with that. Telling the OM to back off at this point shows weakness on your part, your attitude should come across as "Done with her. She can do what she wants now."

Your thoughts are normal though. Project indifference and you will soon begin to believe it, you'll also feel stronger and better about yourself, and feel in control...not like a victim.

Clearly your W didn't expect you to call her out on her latest set of lies. Well played. Be very cautious when she starts calling on you...she probably will. She may be very curious as to who she's giving up. She thought she was running the show, now she's not so sure.

Also, are you sure OM is single? I can't recall, do you know him, or did your W tell you he was single? Because...well, you can see where I'm going with this. If it turns out he is attached to someone, you should expose to her so she knows what her man is up to.


----------



## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

Also, if you're paying for any of her bills, stop now. She can afford her own life, let her get used to it.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Agreed. She thought she could cake eat and keep him as her plan B.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Who was the OM ? Do you know him ?


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> My d-day was a few days later. I discovered that she was having a EA/PA since two months. I confronted her; she admitted everything and agreed to stop the PA but didn’t agree to stop seeing the guy (and I believe her when she says that there will be no more PA for the next few months).





Petyot said:


> I told her that I didn't believe her about the no PA with OM and by the look on her face I realize I was right not to believed her.


Too bad she is a lying cheating scumbag!! Can you really trust her after this ?


----------



## Petyot (Aug 31, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Too bad she is a lying cheating scumbag!! Can you really trust her after this ?


No, can't trust her anymore.


----------



## Petyot (Aug 31, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Who was the OM ? Do you know him ?


A co-worker from her previous job. I don't know him but I know who he is.


----------



## Petyot (Aug 31, 2012)

Shamwow said:


> Don't contact the OM. You've already said you're going to file, so follow through with that. Telling the OM to back off at this point shows weakness on your part, your attitude should come across as "Done with her. She can do what she wants now."
> 
> *OK*
> 
> ...


----------



## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

At this point, you might as well let your and her family and friends know that your wife is cheating on you and that is why you are headed to divorce. You still will have to deal with her side of the family due to your daughter, so you might as well let them know the real reason.

What your wife had planned to do was to act like there was no other man, that you were just a terrible husband and that is why she left, then tell you and everyone else that she met the other man AFTER she left you. Reputation is important to her, or she would have just told you the truth and left you. So let her family know that you are not a bad husband, that she cheated on you and that is why she left.


----------



## Petyot (Aug 31, 2012)

A little update : 

My WS didn't scratch on my door and didn't call. She expressed no remorses and no regrets. She is somewhere else.

We are moving on with the divorce. We have split all our accounts. Mediation will start in a few weeks. The only contact we have is through sms or email for questions regarding our son.

It's a sad end for me after 13 years in that relation...

That is the worst period of my life and I feel depressed


----------



## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

Petyot said:


> A little update :
> 
> My WS didn't scratch on my door and didn't call. She expressed no remorses and no regrets. She is somewhere else.
> 
> ...


Sont worry ,she will come to scratch in front of your door.

Just try to be prepared ,on how you will react,and how you will possibly handle it...But trust me she will.


----------



## Petyot (Aug 31, 2012)

Jonesey said:


> Just try to be prepared ,on how you will react,and how you will possibly handle it...But trust me she will.


I don't think she will... but anyway, I don't know how I would react and handle it. At this moment (7 weeks from D-Day), I cannot say I would be strong enough to turn my back on her, even if I should do it.


----------



## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

Petyot said:


> I don't think she will... but anyway, I don't know how I would react and handle it. At this moment (7 weeks from D-Day), I cannot say I would be strong enough to turn my back on her, even if I should do it.


I mine experience the almost always do try to come back
Can be a good thing or a bad thing.Depends on what you want.
May suggest taking baby step´s just in case


----------

