# Problems with Wife - Not sure what to do



## probswithwife (Nov 8, 2013)

I met my wife online. Hindsight 20/20 I think we moved fast but it doesn't solve the problems we have right now. I still love my wife but the problems we are having are giving me a hard time looking at her positives.

Both I and my wife are from outside the US. I am an easy going guy who likes to maintain good relationships with family and friends. My parents live in a different country. When we started dating my wife was OK talking to my parents once in a while. She also was OK with having kids someday. Slowly she has reduced talking to both her family and my family back in our country. Now she wants to completely cut everything with our families back home. 

She is a perfectionist and it is extremely hard for anybody to live up to her expectations. She also does not forget things and forgive people. She also thinks having friends will almost always result in them bothering us with favors. I believe this is the reason she has never had any friend in her life (even now). It is safe to say that I am the only person in her life. On top of that we both work at the same company (although on different floors).

I have always had friends, after she came into my life I have not made any new close friends and it is getting harder to keep in touch with old friends. She says we have to make sacrifices/compromises and cannot expect to be close with friends after marriage. I do not need to be with friends everyday but I would like to visit them and family once in a while. She is never up for visiting any of my friends or family or any of the events/occasions in their life.

I feel that she is very uptight and over cautious about things. She herself says she might have OCD or Asperger's syndrome. She cleans and cleans and cleans and gets really mad if things are not OK. I have to say that I am quite clean myself (not to her level) and I help with cooking, cleaning, laundry, D/W, and other household chores. But sometimes I feel like this has become my whole life. She is so afraid of getting sick that she does not want to jump into waters, every time she goes outside she wipes all door handles with alcohol. I try to do things to her standards. But it has never been enough.

she is always stressed, has sleep issues, and says she feels like there is always something to do. So I took on more responsibilities and for the most part we split tasks evenly. I tell her we are doing too much and we should also go out and have some fun and this may be the reason she might be stressed. But she does not agree. I am OK with all these and have been trying to live up to her standard. 

Lately, she has been saying she wants nothing to do with our country. My family and her family are asking me why she is not in touch with them. My parents and her parents are very judgmental of her lifestyle. I tell my wife I am willing to talk to them to resolve these issues. But she has no hopes and does not want to reconcile with any of them. Now she says she is not sure if she wants kids. And even if we do have kids she does not want them to meet their grandparents. She is not even up for me taking the kids to visit family in our country. Even if I visit my parents once in a while, I will be a very bad spot of explaining things to them. 

I am not saying that my parents and her parents are perfect. Who is not flawed. I am willing to mediate and resolve the difference. Life is short and stressful, I want to try and have good relationship with the few people we have in this world. 

This is starting to bother me a lot. My friends and family are already implying that I have become soft and not standing up to my beliefs / against my wife. Every time I bring up something like this we end up fighting and she stops talking to me for days sometimes. I need people in my life. She says she does not need anybody else. 

We have been together/married for 6.5 years. Although there were signs in the beginning these feelings developed in the last 3-4 months. I am 6 years older and lived/traveled alone. She never listens to my advices/suggestions. She has to experience things and come to her own conclusion, which many times in the end is the same as what I had suggested, only late. So I always believed to some extent that she might change her opinion about people. In fact, when we visited our country 7 months back she said we have to visit more often, we have to bring our parents to the US for a visit, etc. Now it is completely opposite. Some times I feel that she wants our life to be the way she wants it to be. I am not sure if my thinking is right. I am not sure if I am doing something wrong. I am not in a position to cut ties with my parents. They made mistakes but I know they struggled hard to give me the life I have now. 

She says if miraculously if her parents, her brother, my parents, and my brother disappear from our lives then our life would be so happy. I think she means this in a funny way but it disturbs me. According to her 99% of the problems we have are due to them but what family does not have flaws or problems? If I have any problems with my parents/brother I cannot even share discuss it with my wife because that would only add more to my worries. She thinks she is perfect and 'everybody' from our country is stupid. In fact, she intentionally tries to not get close to people from our country living here.

I am suggesting separation and counseling. I strongly believe there are deeper reasons why she is not willing to deal with people. She says she feels going to counseling or separation could be the beginning of the end as she says she will not change her ways. She herself says I have compromised a lot of her. My worry is if I continue to comply with her ways, one day I might regret what I did and start developing resentment towards my wife (if not already) and everything might end up badly. We do not have any kids and we both have stable jobs.

Sorry about the rant. I am just not sure where to go from here. I am not even sure if counseling will help. I feel my wife has become very negative in the recent months. I really love her but would like to enjoy the good things life with her rather than complaining about things. Any suggestions or thoughts would greatly help me.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Your friends and family are right. You need to stand up for what you want and need. If she doesn't want to join you, she can sit at home and give the walls her silent treatment. And if she doesn't want to join you in counseling to deal with the issues in your marriage, then guess where the true issue lies?

C
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## probswithwife (Nov 8, 2013)

Thanks. I love her and we are compatible in so many other things but these things have been kind of a deal breaker for both of us. I am just worried about losing her over this as it does not look so good right now. I setup a counseling session for next week. They want us both to come for the introductory session. Now my wife says, I should go and if it i felt like it is working for me she will join me. Not sure what to make of this. I am getting the feeling that she does not want to do therapy. I think she feels like this is a therapy for her and not us.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I think you're interpreting her actions incorrectly. I read it as she feels YOU need therapy and help, but she's perfectly fine. 

Good luck. You're going to need it, if I'm right. 

C
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## probswithwife (Nov 8, 2013)

I understand. And yes, I am going to do the therapy whether she joins or not. But if we have differences I am not quite sure if we can work them out if just one of us goes to marriage counseling. After hearing the gist of issues over the phone, the therapist recommended that both of us come in for the initial session. 

If she is perfectly fine and does not want to even try to work things out then I do not have any hopes here. She says she wants to stay with me but she has changed her opinion about several things and those changes have been hard on me. I really hope that the therapy helps me deal with whatever decision we end up making.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Sounds like you've got things as much under control as you can. Good luck!

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Your wife has problems. Do you believe she can change? You make her sound extremely rigid. 

Why do you love her? Were you a virgin when you married? Your home country bothers her because she wants to be isolated from family or the whole culture?

When you speak your native language is she more pleasant?

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## probswithwife (Nov 8, 2013)

Well she has changed as she has had more experiences. But in this case I am not quite sure if she will change. And yes she can be very stubborn. And if I convince her to do something for me, she can get mad if that something does not go too well. 

I do not mean to paint a bad picture of her. She is extremely organized and an awesome cook. She makes our lives easy many times. She does care about me. We have had so many good memories together. But it feels like we have grown a bit apart since these issues surfaced 3-4 months back. She feels I not too appreciative of her, which is difficult for me while these things are happening. And I too feel she never realizes how difficult it is for me to make sacrifices.

And yes both She and I were virgins (and first love). Like I said before, we probably went too fast in the beginning but it is too late now. Yes, she hates my home country's culture, people, and everything about it. I knew she hated that culture but I never knew that she would go to the extent of cutting ties with all her and my people. My parents and her parents try to call her email her once in a while to wish for birthday and stuff. She never picks up the call or responds to the email. She call them when she wants to. 

I have to clarify, I like the US culture in many ways and in fact I have changed quite a bit. I have no problems in she following the lifestyle she wants but I just do not understand why she has to do that while hating other beliefs/cultures. 

Now that you say that I think she is much more pleasant when she speaks the native language. But that could also be because we are not used to saying nice things in English. But when we argue or discuss we both talk in English. I am not sure if this makes any sense.


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