# Facebook Problem with Wife



## Fireplace Man

Over the last few months my wife is on FB almost every second of her spare time and its really starting to eat away at me. Everytime I go near her or walk into the room where her laptop she is like a deer in headlights. I have no reason whatsoever to think that she is cheating or anything like that, we are together always. We are not kids we are in our late 30's. If I lean over her to speak to her she gets antsy and starts moving the cursor up and down, she disables her chat etc. I also noticed that she set up (from seeing her page) a new FB e-mail account aside from the one we already have with Yahoo.

I see her typing away posting or writing or whatever all the time, but when I look at her home page or wall (we both have our own computers) there is nothing posted on her page for weeks. Whatever she's doing, innocent or or otherwise, there is no question that she doesn't want me to see it, and she is mailing, texting or writing posts somewhere else that I cannot see, innocent or not, it is unsettlling.

I'm thinking about asking her her in a diplomatic way to let me see her page, her e-mail and her posts or at least let me sit next to her for an hour or two to see what messages she gets, who IM's her and stuff like that. Married 16years- I would freely let her see my e-mail-phone-text-FB or anything else if she had a concern-because I have nothing to hide. She could look over my shoulder for weeks and I would not have a problem. Should I tell her that if there nothing you wouldn't want me to see-why would there be an issue. Any thoughts on how to handle this this would be very welcomed.


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## Mavash.

This has red flag written all over it. She isn't going to just 'let' you see what she's doing you are going to have to go about this another way with possibly a keylogger. I think it's time to gather evidence to find out who she's talking to all day and what's she's talking about.


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## triton1984

Mavash. said:


> This has red flag written all over it. She isn't going to just 'let' you see what she's doing you are going to have to go about this another way with possibly a keylogger. I think it's time to gather evidence to find out who she's talking to all day and what's she's talking about.


:iagree:

My wife used a keylogger to catch me. You wouldn't be posting if you weren't concerned. Might be only talk right now, but it is talk she doesn't want you to see apparently.


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## Mistys dad

Being subtle isn't one of my strong points.

If I walked in, and she did the duck and cover, I would ask her straight out.

Is there a reason why you are hiding that from me?

If she says "Yes" the next question would be "Why".

If she says "No" the next thing I would say is "Great, let me look"


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## Jellybeans

Maybe she is feeding her crops. Or maybe she is hiding something from you.

Have you ever asked to see her page?


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## sigma1299

As someone who had an EA that was based primarily in facebook - I assure you this is bad bad bad. 

How to proceed is tricky. If you do what you propose above odds are that she'll create some half baked reason to keep you from it at that immediate moment, figure out how to take it deeper underground and then present you a sanitized picture to put you at ease. 

How about her phone? Does she have a smart phone? If she does you might just have to one day take both from her, log them both in and watch and wait. If she doesn't have a smart phone honestly I'd take her cell phone for the same period anyway because whoever she's communicating with they are likely communicating via text also. Speaking of which - can you check the cell phone bill for volume and numbers of who she's talking to? If you do this, don't be surprises to find a password on the laptop and a lock code on the phone. Once you take the move of confrontation you've got to see it through. If you get possession of those devices and they're locked you MUST make her log them in. If she won't you've got your answer and you cannot proceed until she reveals what she's hiding. 

Personally - I'd hide and watch for a bit - but not too long. EA's escalate with amazing speed - scary speed - like you wouldn't believe it could happen speed. How about a voice activated recorder in her car?? Phone calls in the car are a favorite of cheaters. 

Sorry you find yourself in this spot. Maybe I'm off base but the red flags are there and they're usually not wrong.

Edit to add: to give you some idea of how this works and why surprise and control of communication is so important. It's not uncommon for two people cheating to have a simple one word code that if received, means to go dark until the all clear code is sent. A simple one word text from your wife could shut the whole thing down and leave you empty handed and looking like a paranoid fool. You need to be sure you have the bases covered before you confront.


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## Fireplace Man

No, have not mentioned a thing to her yet. Just trying to figure the best way to handle it first. No other issue in marriage whatsoever but this. I phone is always unlocked, she leaves it around all the time and never uses it very much. We also have same account that I pay the bills on and I already looked at that and there is hardly any usage by her.


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## heavensangel

My feeling on secrets in a relationship: 

If they have to hide it; they shouldn't be doing it! 

We (DH & I) don't do FB; never have and have no desire to. I've heard divorce statistics have sky rocketed since FB came on the scene. One of the reasons being members, male & female, are using FB to reconnect with past loves. I'm not saying this is what's going on, it may be something totally different but IMO if it's 'innocent' then there would be no reason for the secrecy. I think your idea of 'friendly' confrontation is a good one. You'll be able to judge from her reaction whether or not you really have anything to worry about.


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## sigma1299

Fireplace Man said:


> No, have not mentioned a thing to her yet. Just trying to figure the best way to handle it first. No other issue in marriage whatsoever but this. I phone is always unlocked, she leaves it around all the time and never uses it very much. We also have same account that I pay the bills on and I already looked at that and there is hardly any usage by her.


Well that's a good sign but don't take a deep breath. Not to sound like I'm paranoid but keep an eye out for a second phone that you don't know about. Again - not uncommon at all. Cheaters (if that's what you're dealing with) are devious, creative and resourceful - it's amazing the lengths they will go to to keep their affair alive. 

FWIW - I thought I was the most happily married guy in the world the day my EA began. Just because everything is good in the marriage does not mean you are safe from this.


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## CandieGirl

I agree with all the other replies - I'll wait to get more info from you OP, before chiming in.

Facebook. It can be a wonderful tool for keeping in touch, or it can be the devil...sigh.


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## Fireplace Man

I'm not even thinking anything like an affair, at least as yet. We are together everynight so do not think that. But it is driving me mad trying to figure what the heck she is doing every few minutes for hours and hours. In fact she can't sit still and watch a televison program for more than 15 minutes before going to turn the computer back on again. This has been more apparent over the last month or so. I mean she gets up every 15 minutes, goes to FB, I have at least been able to see that when I walk into the room. I have been doing nothing but observing this pattern develop as she seems to be typing like a mad woman. She is not on late at night, goes to bed and goes to sleep, but the pattern continues the next day and from about 6 to 11PM each and every evening without fail.

Boy oh boy would I like to get that FB password for just an hour!


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## CandieGirl

She's right...half the time, you don't even need to leave the workplace!


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## CandieGirl

Fireplace Man said:


> I'm not even thinking anything like an affair, at least as yet. We are together everynight so do not think that. But it is driving me mad trying to figure what the heck she is doing every few minutes for hours and hours. In fact she can't sit still and watch a televison program for more than 15 minutes before going to turn the computer back on again. This has been more apparent over the last month or so. I mean she gets up every 15 minutes, goes to FB, I have at least been able to see that when I walk into the room. I have been doing nothing but observing this pattern develop as she seems to be typing like a mad woman. She is not on late at night, goes to bed and goes to sleep, but the pattern continues the next day and from about 6 to 11PM each and every evening without fail.
> 
> Boy oh boy would I like to get that FB password for just an hour!


Ask her what she's doing. Then drop it, don't mention it again, and keep your eyes opened. Her reaction should be telling enough.


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## Mavash.

Angel5112 said:


> Not to freak you out, but you do not need to leave the house to have an EA...


Agree and if not stopped they CAN turn physical. They all start innocently enough. "Oh it's just a friend" but then it spirals out of control quickly. I've seen it happen with acquaintances.


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## sigma1299

Well since I've sounded the affair bell pretty loudly let me give you the flip side. 

It's also possible that she's doing something on facebook that's not illicit, just something she knows you won't like. Example. I'm on this site a lot - more than is healthy really - and my wife always gives me a kinda weird look when she finds me on it. I have a tendency to keep the iPad near by and check in periodically when I'm at home. Since I know it weirds her out just a little I have a tendency to want to conceal it from her. I have nothing to hide mind you - she knows I'm here, had my user id and password as well as her own. It's just a reflex since I feel a little bit of judgement when she finds me here on TAM. 

Maybe your wife is simply feeding her animals on farmville and just thinks you'll think she's weird for being so into such a stupid game? 

What I do know is that secrets in a marriage are cancer - either way you've got to get it cut out or it will continue to eat at the relationship.

BTW - to the other "regulars" before you jump on me for hiding something from my wife. I recognized that concealing anything from her was bad instantly and knew that I either had to get comfortable with it or not. Clearly I'm still here so I got comfortable with it but it doesn't mean I don't still have that reflex for some reason.


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## CandieGirl

I somewhat 'conceal' this from my husband too...but if he ever asked me what I was doing, I'd tell him. He knows I'm a part of a forum for marriages, but I've not gone into detail about the problems I've disclosed. Since it's anonymous, he'd be OK with it. He sure doesn't like me b!tching to my girlfriends, so it's either this or that!

Do you think she'd be that embarassed about farmville, or mafiagames or whatever other silly games are on there?


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## Fireplace Man

I saw that one of u spoke of a keylogger, never heard that term so I googled it to see what it is. Do u feel that I am at that point already? Even if I went that route-she has own password protected computer so I don't think I could access it even if I were to even think about doing that. Seeing most replies y'all have given I feel better that I not just paranoid.


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## sigma1299

Think about it this way. If she's hiding something - and we all agree that she is - it's a bad thing for the marriage. As the other person in the marriage, if she won't show you what she's hiding, it's your job to protect and defend the marriage and do whatever it takes to bring what she's hiding out into the daylight. 

You're at the point where you know there is something you don't know and you must do whatever it takes to rectify that. You're not paranoid.


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## A Bit Much

Fireplace Man said:


> I saw that one of u spoke of a keylogger, never heard that term so I googled it to see what it is. Do u feel that I am at that point already? Even if I went that route-she has own password protected computer so I don't think I could access it even if I were to even think about doing that. Seeing most replies y'all have given I feel better that I not just paranoid.



You don't need a keylogger on her computer to know for a fact that she's up to no good. 

She's keeping secrets from you.

She's logging into chat every 15 min.

She's got the "uh oh" look when you walk in on her.

She shuts it down when you come in or are around.

What more do you need to see? She's not chatting it up with another woman on there... she's having a full blown emotional affair right under your nose. She doesn't need to leave the house to get her fix. Not yet anyway.

You're not being paranoid. Her behavior is very suspect and you should be concerned. Like Misty's Dad, I'm far more confrontational with things like this. I would approach it just as he would. Her responses would tell me everything I needed to know.


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## Almostrecovered

Fireplace Man said:


> I saw that one of u spoke of a keylogger, never heard that term so I googled it to see what it is. Do u feel that I am at that point already? Even if I went that route-she has own password protected computer so I don't think I could access it even if I were to even think about doing that. Seeing most replies y'all have given I feel better that I not just paranoid.


based on what you say then yes you should install a keylogger

DO NOT TELL HER that you have the program (be sure to delete the download history and site visited)

if nothing turns up then great- remove the program and have a talk about shared boundaries and secrecy (privacy is not secrecy)

if something turns up do NOT panic and confront then and there- come back read the CWI newbie link in my signature and post in that section- we will help you


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## Heavyhearted

Here's another way to look at it:

She's probably complaining about you to someone else and doesn't want you to see it. Just a thought. Everything doesn't always have to be about an affair, but who knows.


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## Fireplace Man

But no matter what she tellls me if I confront her I have no way of validating. I'm sure if I ask her what she's been doing on FB, she will say nothing. Although not confrontational, I've asked before and she said "oh nothing special."


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## sigma1299

Heavyhearted said:


> Here's another way to look at it:
> 
> She's probably complaining about you to someone else and doesn't want you to see it. Just a thought. Everything doesn't always have to be about an affair, but who knows.


Problem with that is if that someone is of the opposite sex this is the last stop before the EA train leaves the station.


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## Almostrecovered

Fireplace Man said:


> But no matter what she tellls me if I confront her I have no way of validating. I'm sure if I ask her what she's been doing on FB, she will say nothing. Although not confrontational, I've asked before and she said "oh nothing special."



it's possible she has been deleting chat history and mail anyways, the keylogger will show you what she types

this program can also retreive some of the chat even if deleted since it gets stored in temp memory which doesnt get overwritten right away
JADsoftware - Software Publisher Profile - CNET Download.com


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## CandieGirl

Fireplace Man said:


> But no matter what she tellls me if I confront her I have no way of validating. I'm sure if I ask her what she's been doing on FB, *she will say nothing*. Although not confrontational, I've asked before and she said "oh nothing special."


"Great! But it really bothers me that you've suddenly become so secretive about what it is exactly that you're doing on there! Call me paranoid...mind if I take a looksee? Just to ease my troubled mind."

If there's nothing untoward going on, she'll gladly hand it over. If she freaks and starts getting defensive, there's your answer right there.

Of course, if you want all the gritty details, by all means, get a keylogger, etc. I put one on our PC when I suspected my H of an EA. All I found were trips to the porn sites. Still, it eased my mind that at least there was no one else.


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## Fireplace Man

Starting to get a ltltle paranoid here.
No question if she's talking to someone, talking to her girlfriends or anyone else she is very secret and squirmish about it.


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## Acorn

I really feel like the keylogger idea is sort of the nuclear option. You are upset that your wife is doing something secretive behind your back, so you sink to her level and do something secretive behind hers. I understand sometimes it's necessary but still, I really think that is the last resort.

You are not bothered about the what she is doing on Facebook because you don't know what she's doing on Facebook. You are bothered about the secrecy and feel like she's hiding things. I like Candie's idea about just talking about it from that angle.


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## The_Good_Wife

unacceptable!!!! She is acting like a teenager hiding stuff from her parents. Facebook is the least of your problems. You are dealing with a child here who needs to grow up. Do you have kids?


Are you sure it's facebook where she is writting stuff. Could it be that she is a member at a forum like this? Does she know that you write on this forum? Maybe it's something harmless she is doing, but she needs to let you know what it is. You are a married couple and should share everything with each other.


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## sigma1299

Fireplace Man said:


> Starting to get a ltltle paranoid here.
> No question if she's talking to someone, talking to her girlfriends or anyone else she is very secret and squirmish about it.


You know this is a red flag or you wouldn't be here. Remember you're not the one putting the suspicion in your mind - she is. Classic cheater behavior is to try to convince you that there is nothing going on and you're crazy/controlling for thinking so. This is so common we've even got a term for it - gas lighting. 

How you proceed is up to you based on what you know, how you think she'll respond and how you're comfortable attacking the problem. But you must proceed and do not delay - if it is an EA they progress at alarming speed and every day the get deeper they are that much harder to break when it comes to the surface.

Just to give you some idea, my EA was with an old high school flame I hadn't thought of in 20 years. Out of the blue she sent me a friend request on facebook - 10 days later - 10 DAYS!!! - we were exchanging I love you's and having cyber sex. Get moving.


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## Fireplace Man

Yes, we have kids (12 & 15). I am certain that it is the FB page each and everytime. I can clearly see that when I walk in. Never seen anything but FB and I must have walked in there 500 times in the last month.


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## Thor

First off, don't be too Nice about this. It is your marriage at stake here! You have the right to know if she is doing something harmful to your marriage.

Secondly, it could be innocent. She could have an addiction to the computer. That can be a real thing, just like some people are addicted to tv or to listening to their iPod non-stop.

So you also have the obligation as a husband to help your spouse break a harmful addiction, if that is what is going on.

In other words, you have every right to investigate the situation and to be a bit of a prick about it. How would John Wayne deal with this? That is the kind of mindset I would emulate.

I think you should do a detailed review of things like phone bills and text messaging. Then I would look at credit card bills and the banking statements carefully. This you can do without involving her or risking escalating a confrontation for no good reason.

Then your choice is to either directly confront her or go to spy tech. She may be complaining about you to a friend, as has been suggested. She could be simply addicted to online FB games. She could be developing an emotional attachment, or she could be in a steamy physical affair. She could be chatting and doing nothing nefarious, but she is a bit embarrassed for you to see it. *You cannot know without pushing and digging*.

Your other choice is to do nothing and let yourself become the victim of other people's choices, whatever it may be. (not my choice of how to live).

I confronted my wife directly when an ex-bf showed up on her FB. She was p-i-s-s-e-d. She resisted. But I did the broken record of "this is a threat to our marriage and I am not comfortable with it". You can do a similar thing such as "this behavior is making me uncomfortable and is threatening our relationship".

You may get the same thing my wife gave me, which was rationalizations and excuses. Apparently he was a complete loser, but she didn't want to be rude to him by un-friending him. :scratchhead: That is where your broken record comes in, telling her the behavior makes you uncomfortable and is threatening your relationship.

Or you can go spy-tech. If you do that, your timeline is short. Like a week or two max. You'll know very quickly the content of her messages and activities. If you wait to do this, things could escalate beyond repair before you discover reality.


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## Almostrecovered

the problem with just talking to someone before investigating is that if they have nothing to hide, they usually get defensive and exclaim nothing is going on. If they have something to hide, they will get defensive and lie and exclaim that nothing is going on.

same result, different situations


OP has enough to be concerned about (but not paranoid) to warrant a silent investigation. Keylogger will let him know within days.


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## Entropy3000

Fireplace Man said:


> Over the last few months my wife is on FB almost every second of her spare time and its really starting to eat away at me. Everytime I go near her or walk into the room where her laptop she is like a deer in headlights. I have no reason whatsoever to think that she is cheating or anything like that, we are together always. We are not kids we are in our late 30's. If I lean over her to speak to her she gets antsy and starts moving the cursor up and down, she disables her chat etc. I also noticed that she set up (from seeing her page) a new FB e-mail account aside from the one we already have with Yahoo.
> 
> I see her typing away posting or writing or whatever all the time, but when I look at her home page or wall (we both have our own computers) there is nothing posted on her page for weeks. Whatever she's doing, innocent or or otherwise, there is no question that she doesn't want me to see it, and she is mailing, texting or writing posts somewhere else that I cannot see, innocent or not, it is unsettlling.
> 
> I'm thinking about asking her her in a diplomatic way to let me see her page, her e-mail and her posts or at least let me sit next to her for an hour or two to see what messages she gets, who IM's her and stuff like that. Married 16years- I would freely let her see my e-mail-phone-text-FB or anything else if she had a concern-because I have nothing to hide. She could look over my shoulder for weeks and I would not have a problem. Should I tell her that if there nothing you wouldn't want me to see-why would there be an issue. Any thoughts on how to handle this this would be very welcomed.


There is very likely an EA going on. Atr the least she is being inappropriate and unfaithful. Unfaithful in that she has this secret world from you. 

So indeed you have every indication that she is being unfaithful in some form. You just do not know the details.

I suggest you guys do His Needs Her Needs together as a couple and discuss, define, agree on and implement boundaries.

You may also want to see Married Man Sex Life 

I believe in transparency with email, facebook and so on.

You for sure need to do some further investigating of her activities. Do you have her passwords?

Setting up special email accounts is the biggest indicator IMO for an affair.
Read the book.


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## Mavash.

CandieGirl said:


> I somewhat 'conceal' this from my husband too...but if he ever asked me what I was doing, I'd tell him. He knows I'm a part of a forum for marriages, but I've not gone into detail about the problems I've disclosed. Since it's anonymous, he'd be OK with it. He sure doesn't like me b!tching to my girlfriends, so it's either this or that!


You know I do this. I conceal things like this from my husband. But yes if he asked I'd tell him and if he wanted to read anything I've written I'd let him see that too. I have nothing to hide.

However I'm NOT on the computer every 15 minutes, I give my husband plenty of attention and I work my butt off to be a good wife. I give him no reason to distrust me.


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## Entropy3000

Mistys dad said:


> Being subtle isn't one of my strong points.
> 
> If I walked in, and she did the duck and cover, I would ask her straight out.
> 
> Is there a reason why you are hiding that from me?
> 
> If she says "Yes" the next question would be "Why".
> 
> If she says "No" the next thing I would say is "Great, let me look"


This is me.

The danger is forcing someone underground but if they refused I do not need to look any further. I have my answer.


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## Entropy3000

Fireplace Man said:


> No, have not mentioned a thing to her yet. Just trying to figure the best way to handle it first. No other issue in marriage whatsoever but this. I phone is always unlocked, she leaves it around all the time and never uses it very much. We also have same account that I pay the bills on and I already looked at that and there is hardly any usage by her.


Not trying to invent things that are not there, but sometimes people have affair phones.


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## CandieGirl

Thor said:


> First off, don't be too Nice about this. It is your marriage at stake here! You have the right to know if she is doing something harmful to your marriage.
> 
> Secondly, it could be innocent. She could have an addiction to the computer. That can be a real thing, just like some people are addicted to tv or to listening to their iPod non-stop.
> 
> So you also have the obligation as a husband to help your spouse break a harmful addiction, if that is what is going on.
> 
> In other words, you have every right to investigate the situation and to be a bit of a prick about it. How would John Wayne deal with this? That is the kind of mindset I would emulate.
> 
> I think you should do a detailed review of things like phone bills and text messaging. Then I would look at credit card bills and the banking statements carefully. This you can do without involving her or risking escalating a confrontation for no good reason.
> 
> Then your choice is to either directly confront her or go to spy tech. She may be complaining about you to a friend, as has been suggested. She could be simply addicted to online FB games. She could be developing an emotional attachment, or she could be in a steamy physical affair. She could be chatting and doing nothing nefarious, but she is a bit embarrassed for you to see it. *You cannot know without pushing and digging*.
> 
> Your other choice is to do nothing and let yourself become the victim of other people's choices, whatever it may be. (not my choice of how to live).
> 
> I confronted my wife directly when an ex-bf showed up on her FB. She was p-i-s-s-e-d. She resisted. But I did the broken record of "this is a threat to our marriage and I am not comfortable with it". You can do a similar thing such as "this behavior is making me uncomfortable and is threatening our relationship".
> 
> You may get the same thing my wife gave me, which was rationalizations and excuses. Apparently he was a complete loser, *but she didn't want to be rude to him by un-friending him*. :scratchhead: That is where your broken record comes in, telling her the behavior makes you uncomfortable and is threatening your relationship.
> 
> Or you can go spy-tech. If you do that, your timeline is short. Like a week or two max. You'll know very quickly the content of her messages and activities. If you wait to do this, things could escalate beyond repair before you discover reality.


My husband tried this line with me last year; at first, I gave in to him, because he made ME feel like a jealous fool for even saying anything about it. But then, I thought about it, and thought, hold on a second here: we are getting married in SIX months. I am going to be his WIFE. And here he is, worrying about being rude to some EX? That's when the penny dropped for me. I spoke to him about it the very next day, pointed out MY side, and even he had to admit that I was absolutely right.


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## CandieGirl

Almostrecovered said:


> the problem with just talking to someone before investigating is that if they have nothing to hide, they usually get defensive and exclaim nothing is going on. If they have something to hide, they will get defensive and lie and exclaim that nothing is going on.
> 
> same result, different situations
> 
> 
> OP has enough to be concerned about (but not paranoid) to warrant a silent investigation. Keylogger will let him know within days.


That bloody turtle!! LOL...

I do get where you're coming from, but what I mean is just asking about it. Once. People react; he'll be able to know something's up by that reaction, and then he can decide which way to go with it.


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## Entropy3000

Fireplace Man said:


> I'm not even thinking anything like an affair, at least as yet. We are together everynight so do not think that. But it is driving me mad trying to figure what the heck she is doing every few minutes for hours and hours. In fact she can't sit still and watch a televison program for more than 15 minutes before going to turn the computer back on again. This has been more apparent over the last month or so. I mean she gets up every 15 minutes, goes to FB, I have at least been able to see that when I walk into the room. I have been doing nothing but observing this pattern develop as she seems to be typing like a mad woman. She is not on late at night, goes to bed and goes to sleep, but the pattern continues the next day and from about 6 to 11PM each and every evening without fail.
> 
> Boy oh boy would I like to get that FB password for just an hour!


We are talking about an EA. This is what this sounds like. EAs can very well turn physical. You must catch EAs fast. 

So someone can be in an EA laaying all the groundwork for that meet up that only lasts a couple of hours. Like going to the gym and not really going. Call in sick to work. Go get groceries. EAs are addictions. The more you explain the more it looks like the case.

Does she work?

Are you always together?


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

I type my online best friend through Facebook. We talk quite a bit. I let my husband read through it if he likes. He has just being curious. I don't mind. He can have access to my iPod touch at any time I'm not using it. I have to iPod touches with the same logged in sites. I never hide anything from my husband ever.

It's a red flag if your wife is hiding anything from you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000

Fireplace Man said:


> I saw that one of u spoke of a keylogger, never heard that term so I googled it to see what it is. Do u feel that I am at that point already? Even if I went that route-she has own password protected computer so I don't think I could access it even if I were to even think about doing that. Seeing most replies y'all have given I feel better that I not just paranoid.


Usually when you get to where you are the affair is very far gone. EAs go nuclear. They can escalate in a day. Early detection is the key. We have seen folks that are in an EA, get caught and still then take it to a PA all while the BS is trying to stop them.

EAs are an addiction. It is chemical. Oxytocin and dopamine. It sounds like she is very deep into whatever she is doing. You may have waited too long alread to avoid serious issues. Not trying to get you to panic. Just trying to tell you that wait and see is not usaully a good idea.

I should point out I was the one in the EA. My wife saw things in my email that were red flags. It was very early on and I insisted it was just about being friends. I did not realize I was in an EA until I went through a month of withdrawal.


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## CruxAve

I’d bet the house on it that she’s cheating on you. You need to wake up and take control of your marriage. Forget the diplomacy nonsense, and put her in her place. Don’t tolerate such utter disrespect, and show her the door if she doesn’t like it.


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## Fireplace Man

Debating between just telling her to go to her page and let me sit with her and see what happens or just getting a logger if I knew where to find one. if I do the keylogger should I just take the computer to a tech when I know she's off getting groceries or something? I'm not computer savy so I'm afraid I will mess it up. I know that she is going to the mall with her sister tomorrow night. Before jumping to conclusions her sister is picking her up. They are usually gone for at least a couple of hours so I would have time. Maybe this is the only way to really figure it out, short of figuring out her password.


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## Entropy3000

Fireplace Man said:


> Debating between just telling her to go to her page and let me sit with her and see what happens or just getting a logger if I knew where to find one. if I do the keylogger should I just take the computer to a tech when I know she's off getting groceries or something? I'm not computer savy so I'm afraid I will mess it up. I know that she is going to the mall with her sister tomorrow night. Before jumping to conclusions her sister is picking her up. They are usually gone for at least a couple of hours so I would have time. Maybe this is the only way to really figure it out, short of figuring out her password.


Do you have a facebook account?

Are you two friended?

If you are friended you should list out her friends. That is a start. Can you indentify the friends and have an idea of why they are her friends. One or more may jump out at you as a bit odd. Maybe not.
How many male versus female friends. Maybe not important. But it might be. If she has one male friend, I would look into them closely.

BTW did she go to her high school reunion?

The men should jump to the top of the list.

Any EXs? EX lovers are critical but sometimes we don't have the whole truth.

High school / college friends?

Any possibly toxic friends / relatives male or female?

If she has a male personal trainer add him to the list, but I am assuming not.

Does she not have any of her and her friends time? I see she is going to the mall with her sister. But does she ever hang out with a particualr group? If so what are the activities?

I don't recall if you said she worked. The type of work she does may be a clue with that friends list.


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## Almostrecovered

installing a keylogger is easy as installing a program

just be sure to remove the download history and the site visited in the browser history


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## A Bit Much

Fireplace Man said:


> Debating between just telling her to go to her page and let me sit with her and see what happens or just getting a logger if I knew where to find one. if I do the keylogger should I just take the computer to a tech when I know she's off getting groceries or something? I'm not computer savy so I'm afraid I will mess it up. I know that she is going to the mall with her sister tomorrow night. Before jumping to conclusions her sister is picking her up. They are usually gone for at least a couple of hours so I would have time. Maybe this is the only way to really figure it out, short of figuring out her password.


One easy way to find out what you want to know is limiting her privacy on the computer. She runs off to it, give her about 5 or 10 minutes (so she's deep into it) and then go in the room and hang out. Find some reason to be in there so she either has to shut down or continue on... if she shuts down each time you do this, you really have your answer. 

Chatting with a girlfriend is one thing, chatting with a guy is another. I like to talk.. not facebook chat. I'll call somebody before I sit in front of the computer. I'm on a computer all day at work already.  Who has that kind of time to chat it up at home??


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## Fireplace Man

Yes we friended on FB and I looked at her friends many times lately. I can see at least 20 or so people that I didnt recognize. 7 males, never thougt at lookin too muchbefore. In the times I keep looking this week there is one guy always near the top of the group of 10 people u see as friends without clicking on the friends (364) thing where when u do all friends pop up in another screen. I do not know whi he is & when i clicked on him it said he only shares info with certain people.


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## A Bit Much

Fireplace Man said:


> Yes, we have kids (12 & 15). I am certain that it is the FB page each and everytime. I can clearly see that when I walk in. Never seen anything but FB and I must have walked in there 500 times in the last month.


Also, I would get out of the house more. Your kids are old enough to be left alone. She can't be on FB for hours without access. That quality time with you elsewhere can tell you a lot too. Watch her behavior, see if she's antsy or uncomfortable, or just refuses to be out/alone with you... finds excuses to stay in.


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## workitout

Sounds like an EA to me. Welcome to the club. In all seriousness, you will most likely need hard evidence before she admits to anything.

Expect things to get far worse before they get better, if thing could even possibly get better. My story sounds very similar to yours. Its unfortunate, but I'm cruising to divorce.


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## Fireplace Man

I have gone into room many times of late to start convo bout something, etc. Its not like shutting right down, she gets figidty starts minimizing page or now i suspect shuting off chat, not sure what she is doing but certainly moving from what she wasdoing when i walked in. If I stay a few mins, down goes cover. I go into other room and she follows. No kidding here-ive been timing it she cant sit still for more than 15 min & shes right back in there. If I walk back in,, the same routine as above is repeated again. Starting to be maddening. I can predict almost every move.


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## Fireplace Man

We are not house hermits-we go out to dinner at least 2-3 times weekly to nice places, go to movies, go out for drinks, run together, and take at least 2 vacations yearly and each have many, many friends and great and big families.


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## Paulination

This thread could not have come at a better time. My wife is going to pick up our son at school (a 40 minute process) and I will be installing a keylogger.

I know she is not having a PA and I don't think she is haveing an EA either, she is just so cold to me lately and can't really express why except a couple of things that seem fairly trivial. I need to know if she is telling someone something deeper that I can use to understand what is really going on with her.

My wife is also on facebook all of the time. She doesn't necessarily operate in secrecy but then again I don't act very curious (though I am) because I don't want her to get over protective of her privacy.

The point is, I want to know what is going on under my own roof and in my marriage. It may be depression and she really does not know why shes sad and indifferent to me. It may be resentments she doesn't feel comfortable revealing to me but is willing to confide in someone else. It might be an EA. All I know is the answer is on that computer and the peace of mind in truly knowing what time it is is worth the invasion.

If she would just talk to me in something other than vague references about our marriage I wouldn't be doing this. 

TBH I'm pretty nervous about it but excited at the same time. Nervous of what I will find, excited about taking control.


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## A Bit Much

Fireplace Man said:


> I have gone into room many times of late to start convo bout something, etc. Its not like shutting right down, she gets figidty starts minimizing page or now i suspect shuting off chat, not sure what she is doing but certainly moving from what she wasdoing when i walked in. If I stay a few mins, down goes cover. I go into other room and she follows. No kidding here-ive been timing it she cant sit still for more than 15 min & shes right back in there. If I walk back in,, the same routine as above is repeated again. Starting to be maddening. I can predict almost every move.



Subtlety has left the building. She's blatantly obvious! Don't go mad, GET mad. Big difference. Call her out on her behavior and tell her exactly what's on your mind. Don't allow this disrespect to continue. And YES this is disrespectful to you and your relationship. She's hiding things from you. No bueno.


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## Fireplace Man

Paul- feel same way. Dont think its a PA. Not sure if its only one guy, maybe talking to friends too, just dont know. But what Im sure of is that whatever shes doing, she is very nervous for me to see. Last week when this really started getting obvious I posted a nice picture of our kids that i took a week ago on y own FB page. I walked in and used the excuse that wanted to see how it looked to the people that got it. she let me stand over her to see how it looked on her FB but she was like frozen. I saw another picture just above mine that her girlfriend sent her and I said oh_____ sent you a nice picture of her vacation let me see. i never saw anyone so carefully scroll upward so that I could see just that picture and post and no other. I'm no fool, she was frozen, that's when I realizedthat this was becoming an issue. i like you feel that the answers lie in that dam laptop-just haven't got to the point of the keylogger-actually heard that term for the 1st time this morning. But unlike u, there are no other sign that anything is amiss and we getting along just fine.


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## Fireplace Man

agree with a Bit Much. i am mad. So i call her out, get upset, tell her that its disrespectful and so on. i imagine that she will say that shes just talking to her friends etc. Then what? she denies it and i never find out really what is going on. I starting to thing like paul-maybe its time to go underground here- without saying a word to her first. i know for fact that her guard is not up yet as I have not let on to her that i think anything else is wrong. Going to dinner tonight without kids, then i will guarantee the same scenario will happen between like 9 when we should get home and 11:30P. At least six or seven trips back and forth in there.


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## sigma1299

You have to get to the point that when you confront - if she won't give it up or let you see that computer that you are comfortable enough something bad is going on that her lack of co-operation makes her guilty. DO NOT confront her until you arrive at this point. If she is cheating and you have any doubt she'll find it and use it against you to get you to go away - at least temporarily. Then she'll take it deeper underground. 

Only confront her when you're willing to declare her guilty if she doesn't give you what you want -regardless of what she says.


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## NextTimeAround

A couple thoughts here.......

My guy and I talk about moving in together. But interestingly enough, I have never opened this message board on a computer at his place. I use this place to vent, to gain control of my emotions after having to deal with his EA which reminded me of the EAs in my failed marriage. I do ask myself how I will be able reconcile this when we are cohabitating.

Regarding FB, I did notice, that his EA partner was very active on his FB wall during that period, so yes I would advise anyone to periodically watch their partner's FB wall. I noticed that whenever he would go to a concert without me, she would "Like" his mention of it. Of course, she went with him.

But then her security settings were such that if he signed on to her wall, then "friends of friends" (ie. me) couldn't see that. 

My guy then offered to defriend her. I agreed to it since I thought, well, if there were any interaction between them on there, I couldn't complain. I did like looking at her wall from my guy's account as I was able to gain a better picture of her. That's how I found out her b-day and was certainly able to pre-empt any intentions my guy had (which he did) of going to her party without me.


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## Fireplace Man

I already know that she is guilty of not wanting me to see something or somethings plural, that I am sure of. So Ive already established that clearly in my mind with no doubt that shes guilty of at least that. So if I confront and she refuses to let me see, as i suspect she will, it just verifies what i already know. Im sure that my confronting her will take her by total surprise. What i need to find is the particulars. Just verifying her guilt by not letting me see does nothing to resolve this issue for me, innocent chat, messaging or not.


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## that_girl

Jellybeans said:


> Maybe she is feeding her crops.


:rofl:


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## Almostrecovered

I still contend having your wife show you her FB will likely yield nothing

If she is having an EA then she is most likely deleting everything as soon as she reads it or replies. 

the keylogger is your best bet to find the truth


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## Almostrecovered

btw- the smoking gun that blew the lid off my my wife's PA was when I logged into her account at the same time she was on chatting with OM, it was only because I witnessed the chat live. She deleted the chat before she logged off.


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## sigma1299

Almostrecovered said:


> I still contend having your wife show you her FB will likely yield nothing
> 
> If she is having an EA then she is most likely deleting everything as soon as she reads it or replies.
> 
> the keylogger is your best bet to find the truth


I have to agree with this - I was a compulsive deleter during my EA - confronting me to show you my computer would have yielded very little unless you happened to ask at exactly the right time.


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## CandieGirl

Sigma and AR have a valid point; I'm just too impatient to wait, that's why I say go for it and ask...but yes, it's true, it most likely will yield nothing.


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## Bottled Up

Fireplace Man, don't make any confrontation whatsoever until you gather evidence. If you lead on and make her suspicious, it will make it that much harder for you to verify what she's up to as she finds ways to be more sneaky.

Act cool as usual... but *install the key-logger... ASAP.*


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## Almostrecovered

and again, if you find something, do NOT get emotional and act on it right away

come back here and post in CWI and we will help you with what to do next


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## Almostrecovered

Angel5112 said:


> But if he catches her in the act, will she really have time to do more than close the chat window? On facebook it saves them, correct? You would have to delete it manually and then close it. At least that is how it used to work. It would save my chats forever.


the other problem of course is what if she is the middle of a chat with a friend having an appropriate chat when he does this? She exclaim that her privacy was invaded and that "see, I am doing nothing" leaving OP to wonder about other chats he hasn't seen


He needs the full picture, any particular gotcha moment will not reveal the facts he needs


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## sigma1299

I'm not sure how it works today - don't have much use for facebook chat or facebook in general now but yeah 18 months ago you're right. I was about to post that the flip side is that if you asked when my computer was in front of me that would have pretty much been the right time any time as if I was on my computer I was almost guaranteed talking to her. The flip flip side is that EA's are as much about building an intimate connection through just sharing random info and chit chat as they are something that in one chat would be catastrophic. My point being that odds are if you had asked all you would have read was basically inane chit chat and some questionable flirting - bad? Sure but it wouldn't have been enough to throw me out. The really bad stuff was less frequent than just shooting the breeze.


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## desert-rose

Big red flags. You should get a keylogger and see if she is up to something like an affair. If you find that it's nothing like that, just confess to her that you snooped because you were suspicious and you don't want to damage your marriage by killing trust so you are being honest in telling her and you want to work out your issues regarding intimacy and secrecy.

Are you a controlling guy? Are yall getting along otherwise? If you don't believe she is cheating on you, could she just be venting about marriage problems that she is perceiving or issues with you that she doesn't want you to see? I would have said talk first and snoop later, but cheaters lie and you won't get the truth unless you do some independent sleuthing if infidelity is the case.

Good Luck. At the least, get her into marriage counseling with you.


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## Fireplace Man

I think you are right. Paul, I think the keylogger will be the onlysolution short of getting her password. radar is up on this I'm doing detective work.


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## sigma1299

I don't know for sure but you've got a likely suspect. Make sure you know his profile name - you may need it later on.


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## Shaggy

Get the key logger. Do a practice install on your own pc first so you cando it quickly on hers.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Paulination

Alright guys I just got back from sneaking Web Watcher on her computer. I felt horrible the whole time as if I'm betraying her. I had to keep telling myself that I am not doing this to hurt my marriage, I am doing it to save it.

I'll let you guys know if I find anything.


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## Fireplace Man

No suspect. The guy I didnt recognize is her 2nd cousin from California. now i remember who he is and even met him once years ago. barking up wrong tree there.


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## sigma1299

Paulination said:


> Alright guys I just got back from sneaking Web Watcher on her computer. I felt horrible the whole time as if I'm betraying her. I had to keep telling myself that I am not doing this to hurt my marriage, I am doing it to save it.
> 
> I'll let you guys know if I find anything.


Inspect what you expect man - it's just good business. Don't feel guilty for even a second.


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## Hope1964

I sure hope you find out it's nothing


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## Shaggy

Fireplace Man said:


> No suspect. The guy I didnt recognize is her 2nd cousin from California. now i remember who he is and even met him once years ago. barking up wrong tree there.


Get that logger installed ASAP.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sigma1299

Fireplace Man said:


> No suspect. The guy I didnt recognize is her *2nd cousin* from California. now i remember who he is and even met him once years ago. barking up wrong tree there.


Hey - I'm from Mississippi - here he could very well be the culprit!!


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## workitout

Paulination said:


> Alright guys I just got back from sneaking Web Watcher on her computer. I felt horrible the whole time as if I'm betraying her. I had to keep telling myself that I am not doing this to hurt my marriage, I am doing it to save it.
> 
> I'll let you guys know if I find anything.


Trust your instincts that something is wrong. You may just find that you've ignored your instincts for far too long.


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## SprucHub

Fireplace Man - keylogger is a trust violation, you must determine whether it is warranted. Cool off first. Seems like it is in your case, but cool off first.

Also, most people use the same passwords for most things. Maybe ou can get her password for something else, or slyly start a password discussion. Or, call her when she is out, say your computer is not working and you want to borrow hers. She may auto log in or have the same log-on password for the computer as for FB. Careful though, if you log into her account, she may check to see the last logon. 

My rule of thumb for snooping is reasonable cause, seems like you have it. Also, Almostrecovered, I think, likes to say that there is no secrecy in marriage, privacy is not the same thing. Privacy is "I'd like to be alone while I go to the bathroom" or "I need to talk to my friend about her marriage"; secrecy is doing something you do not know about. She may have private conversations - my friends tell me things about their spouses that they would not want my wife to know, but that they need to share - e.g., alcoholic. That is not my secret to share, it is my friend's. I do not say anything about her to anyone that I would not tell her I said.

Do not be suckered into a you violated my privacy discussion. She is being secretive, not private.


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## Paulination

So I see her on the computer and she logs on to facebook but the keylogger didn't pick up the password

I'm hoping it was just a missed recording and will get it later.

Anyway, it did pick up an instant message conversation between her an a close friend that had the friend asking if she is doing better. My wife says "not really, just taking it day by day" her friend says "What happenned?" I'm thinking jackpot baby, this is what I need. The next post was my wife asking "where did u go?" Her friend obviosly left the conversation. Damn.


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## Shaggy

To both of you guys, use the key logger BUTdo not confront and never ever ever reveal your source of info,

The moment you confront they will deny and hide better.

Be 200% prepared before talking, have backups of everything saved outside the home.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000

Fireplace Man said:


> Yes we friended on FB and I looked at her friends many times lately. I can see at least 20 or so people that I didnt recognize. 7 males, never thougt at lookin too muchbefore. In the times I keep looking this week there is one guy always near the top of the group of 10 people u see as friends without clicking on the friends (364) thing where when u do all friends pop up in another screen. I do not know whi he is & when i clicked on him it said he only shares info with certain people.


Well needless to say save this list somewhere for later use. 

FB is so dynamic in its change that there is no telling whether that grouping means anything but it just might. Put him on your watch list.

The keylogger is probably the way to go.

Yes, I hope this turns out to be just an obsession of hers that is not related to an affair. That said it is possible to catch something before it goes too far.

Chatting all day long with a guy and day afte day is not innocent. No matter what they discuss. I don't how gay he is ...


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## Paulination

Shaggy said:


> To both of you guys, use the key logger BUTdo not confront and never ever ever reveal your source of info,
> 
> The moment you confront they will deny and hide better.
> 
> Be 200% prepared before talking, have backups of everything saved outside the home.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



There were two reasons I did it. 1) EA for which I definately confront and 2) hope to see an email or IM with a friend the will help me understand what my wife is not telling me.

On that note, I am watching a an IM exchange between my wife and a close friend. My timing could not have been better as she is making her friend aware of what is going on....and I feel like an ass.

It is all as she says it is with a little Paul bashing as well. She is telling her friend everything scewed towards me being an ass (which her friend called me). I am relieved and hopefully I can get more insight to understand what I might be able to do.


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## Fireplace Man

Good luck Paul. I'm following your every move. I think I'm right behind you. Where did u get the key log? By the way got home from out to dinner an hour ago and Im writing this as she has made her 3rd trip to laptop in 40 minutes. All short tonight-like 10 mins each. Then comes back to watch a little tv, and bang up again. Havent walked in there yet but goin to as soon as i write this. I can see from here she is on FB.


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## sigma1299

Fireplace Man said:


> Good luck Paul. I'm following your every move. I think I'm right behind you. Where did u get the key log? By the way got home from out to dinner an hour ago and Im writing this as she has made her 3rd trip to laptop in 40 minutes. All short tonight-like 10 mins each. Then comes back to watch a little tv, and bang up again. Havent walked in there yet but goin to as soon as i write this. I can see from here she is on FB.


She's checking to see if "someone" has sent her a new message. Bet my bottom dollar.


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## Fireplace Man

Fireplace Man said:


> Good luck Paul. I'm following your every move. I think I'm right behind you. Where did u get the key log? By the way got home from out to dinner an hour ago and Im writing this as she has made her 3rd trip to laptop in 40 minutes. All short tonight-like 10 mins each. Then comes back to watch a little tv, and bang up again. Havent walked in there yet but goin to as soon as i write this. I can see from here she is on FB.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fireplace Man

Now I'm convinced. Just snuck in quietly and she moved and jumped like she saw a ghost. Was typing something on Facebook email. It looked long and she minimized page before I could see anything else. Didn't do anything but say goodnight. Making some moves tomorrow can't wait to hear from Paul on how he is doing with the logger.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thor

You could try a video camera in the area. Either your family camera if you have one and if you can conceal it well, or one of those Nanny Cam units hidden in a teddy bear or smoke detector, etc. It might show you her screen in enough detail, or at least you could see her password by how she types it in.

For now, cool it with your behavior! Don't make her paranoid that you are watching. She'll go deep underground if she thinks you are on to her.

If she is a deep sleeper you could get access to her computer in the middle of the night. But be very cautious that she is really asleep and that you will hear her coming if she wakes up.


----------



## Thor

BTW, once you confront her on the computer she will change her behavior. So be sure you have gotten what you can before confrontation.


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## Fireplace Man

I agree Thor. I pretty sure Im Going to try exactly what Paul did. Actually Im waiting to hear more of what Paul finds, but Im going to talk to a buddy who is into computers to help me get this thing installed. If I do I cant afford any screwups or detection-wanna have it done right with the best program there is.


----------



## Bottled Up

Fireplace Man, remember... if and when you start finding some evidence against her (I hope you don't), please stay engaged here so the TAM community can walk you through the steps of how you need to deal with the situation. *Do not be hasty* and act on your own too soon... people here have been through these situations before and can guide you precisely step-by-step along the way in how you need to make your moves.


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## Shaggy

Fireplace Man said:


> I agree Thor. I pretty sure Im Going to try exactly what Paul did. Actually Im waiting to hear more of what Paul finds, but Im going to talk to a buddy who is into computers to help me get this thing installed. If I do I cant afford any screwups or detection-wanna have it done right with the best program there is.


The install is very easy. You can try it on another computer and see how it's done.


----------



## Fireplace Man

Thank u I will do that. Just want to make sure that I install it properly with no chnace of her detecting it. Like paul-I really dont like doing this at all- but i dont kno how else to really find our what the heck is happening. Wish there were another way-but cant find one that would work.


----------



## Almostrecovered

if you're super paranoid about discovery then you always get a hardware keylogger that goes onto the keyboard itself and doesn't run in the background of the computer. (more $$ tho usually and you have to wait for it to arrive if you cant find locally)


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## Paulination

A warning about the keylogger, you may find that she is not having a EA or a PA, but wgat you read can stiil hurt.

I read most of the conversation between my wife and her friend and it was a complete bash session on me. We have been fighting lately as my wife suddenly withdrew from the relationship and have had long drawn out conversations about what is going on with her.

Basically everything that is happenning is my fault and that she doesn't feel for me the way she once did and is staying with me for the kids. I don't know what to believe. Is she embellishing her side of the story to garner sympathy? Does she really believe what she says?

How do I react? I can't tip my hand about the key logger so I don't know how to react.

She wasn't lying to her friend about some of the things I said in the heat of the argument she just did not put them in any context. 

I wish I could have seen how that conversation ended. She had to go to our sons BBall practice and continued it on her cell phone. I met her at the practice hurt as hell but I acted happy, smiley and she did as well. We got along fine last night to the extent you would never have guessed she was painting me out to be the worse husband ever.


----------



## Almostrecovered

Paulination said:


> A warning about the keylogger, you may find that she is not having a EA or a PA, but wgat you read can stiil hurt.
> 
> I read most of the conversation between my wife and her friend and it was a complete bash session on me. We have been fighting lately as my wife suddenly withdrew from the relationship and have had long drawn out conversations about what is going on with her.
> 
> Basically everything that is happenning is my fault and that she doesn't feel for me the way she once did and is staying with me for the kids. I don't know what to believe. Is she embellishing her side of the story to garner sympathy? Does she really believe what she says?
> 
> How do I react? I can't tip my hand about the key logger so I don't know how to react.
> 
> She wasn't lying to her friend about some of the things I said in the heat of the argument she just did not put them in any context.
> 
> I wish I could have seen how that conversation ended. She had to go to our sons BBall practice and continued it on her cell phone. I met her at the practice hurt as hell but I acted happy, smiley and she did as well. We got along fine last night to the extent you would never have guessed she was painting me out to be the worse husband ever.


Well, since you confirmed no affair I say you stop the spying

Time to sit her down and ask what can be done to repair the marriage, it is not all of your fault either, even if she has been perfect she hasn't been honest about how she feels


----------



## this is bad

Read over this thread quickly and so far it doesn't sound good.

My case was very similar to you WW on FB for hours and it was farmville but also with a second cousin. It was an EA in progress. I was able to stop it from going PA. With the help from other on this forum. 

Steps I used. Install keylogger. Many for free, I found one on cnet that also capture screen shots, you can also have it email you the log file. That way you don't have to wait to get home and search the pc it's running on. It can be setup to send file every so ofter. I had it set up for 20 minutes.

If you do not have her FB password, wait for the keylogger to capture it. Once you have that, log into fb and on the chat section turn off available online. I don't remember what it's called. Basically there is a setting to not be seen online by friends.

Check the messages section. Many people do not erase them. If they have the follow step will show them.

This next step will give you a history of all messages send from the account. I don't think it will give you chats. Keylogger with screen capture help.

Naviagate through settings/options and request a history. You should get a history of all messages and post sent via email. I also had access to my WW email account and was monitoring it often until the fb history file came in. Then quickly forward it to another account. Delete that message and if it has a sent folder, delete it from there. Do this quick if she monitors the account often. 

Another option would me to change the email accont on fb. Make up a gmail account and use that in fb. Most people don't check it so you might have time to change it once the history file drops.


If she has an android phone you can have all sms/text messages forwarded to the gmail accont on the phone. Most users don't even know what it does. Intall SMS Backup+, very easy to use. You'll have to get your hands on her phone and know the password to the gmail account. Keylogger should help you get that also. 

Install it quickly and run the back up. An SMS folder is created on the gmail account. That is were all text message will be delivered. If set up correctly, the text can be captured about a minute after sent or received. Even if the messages were deleted on the phone the backup can sometime restore them. As me how I know..... I really hope you don't see anything bad at this point.

Other than that, monitor, monitor, monitor.....

Good Luck....


----------



## Jellybeans

Fireplace Man said:


> I have gone into room many times of late to start convo bout something, etc. Its not like shutting right down, she gets figidty starts minimizing page or now i suspect shuting off chat, not sure what she is doing but certainly moving from what she wasdoing when i walked in. If I stay a few mins, down goes cover. I go into other room and she follows.


My husband did this a lot when he was using dating sites to post up ads looking for sex.

Just saying.


----------



## Jellybeans

Fireplace Man said:


> Now I'm convinced. Just snuck in quietly and she moved and jumped like she saw a ghost. Was typing something on Facebook email. It looked long and she minimized page before I could see anything else. Didn't do anything but say goodnight. Making some moves tomorrow can't wait to hear from Paul on how he is doing with the logger.


Oh boy.

Yeah it definitely sounds like something is going on.

Just for kicks, you should go in there quietly behind her and bring her a glass of ice water or something and watch her reaction.


----------



## sigma1299

Almostrecovered said:


> Well, since you confirmed no affair I say you stop the spying
> 
> Time to sit her down and ask what can be done to repair the marriage, it is not all of your fault either, even if she has been perfect she hasn't been honest about how she feels


Me - I'd give it more than 24 hours with that key logger installed. A day isn't much of a sample and besides, even if she's only just really disgruntled with the marriage he'll never get a more straight version of how she perceives things. He just has to remember that she is likely saying things to this friend that she wouldn't say to him because she knows they would hurt and wouldn't be constructive. He's watching her vent - as long as he understands that I'd watch a little more.


----------



## Kurosity

I too think that he should give it a few days of watching to see what she is up to. 

One thing about spying there is a 100% chance that you will find something that hurts like hell to learn even if it is not an EA or PA.


----------



## Jellybeans

sigma1299 said:


> Me - I'd give it more than 24 hours with that key logger installed. A day isn't much of a sample and besides, even if she's only just really disgruntled with the marriage he'll never get a more straight version of how she perceives things.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

I think he should monitor it for a week. And stay mum just watching and collecting data (lol data).


----------



## Shaggy

You haven't actually proved no ea or pa yet.

Understand the bashing may be her justifying to herself why she is ok having an affair. Her not telling it to her friend is because she's keeping itquiet, while bashing you.

Stick with the investigation a week at least.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Fireplace Man

Shaggy said:


> You haven't actually proved no ea or pa yet.
> 
> Understand the bashing may be her justifying to herself why she is ok having an affair. Her not telling it to her friend is because she's keeping itquiet, while bashing you.
> 
> Stick with the investigation a week at least.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Fireplace Man

Just got the Webwatcher just like Paul. Have a sick feeling in my stomach for doing this. But her routine is right on cue again tonight. Just need to kno. Waiting for right time to install
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Paulination

Fireplace Man said:


> Just got the Webwatcher just like Paul. Have a sick feeling in my stomach for doing this. But her routine is right on cue again tonight. Just need to kno. Waiting for right time to install
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Make sure you have about twenty minutes free. It took longer than advertised. It downloads and installs quickly but you might have to monkey with the anti-virus. Don't want you to get caught.

Good luck and I hope you get some answers. It might be hard to read, but you'll be relived to know the score. Keep us posted.


----------



## Wheels65

Lots of red flags, I hope it is not what it looks like


----------



## the guy

Lots of red flags. it is what it looks like!

Play your card right and take a breath. You will be sickened by what you find, so please prepare your self.

Plan for the worst and work your plan. Keep your emotions in check, I will tell you this, when you get the info you need you will react to it in your typical way...Think...your best aproach will be one she least expects. Something that will command respect and make her think twice in what she is about to loose if she continues.

But you have to get the hard fact to play this hardball tactic.

Do not beg her to stop her emotional affair, but inform her you will not control her, she can do what she thinks is best for *her * marriage, but you will control in what you will tolorate and you can control who you want to be with. 

Once you see the unbelievable, you will be an emotional wreck. Do not show her how weak you really feel, but show a perception of confidence that will make her think twice in what she wants out of this marriage and a perception of strength that will make her second guess your willingnes to move on with or without her if she continues.

Hopefully she will beg *you* to keep her around and when she tells you she is sorry and will doing anything for you to keep her, well then turn off her internet......her response to that remark will tell you how remorseful she really is.


----------



## Lydia

Something definitely is not right.

Even if she's not having an EA or PA, to be on the pc all the time like that cant be good for your marriage.

I hope for the best and that whatever she is doing isn't too hurtful/but be prepared for the worst.


----------



## workitout

As far as her bashing you to her friend, that doesn't indicate that there isn't anything else going on. My wife was having a serious EA, maybe even PA, and none of the people that we both know had a clue.

Hell, I don't know who knew outside of them. No matter what happens or what you find out, get some counseling and figure things out.


----------



## Paulination

Geez my wife is talking sh!t like a dumbass right now. I'm trying to keep things in perspective but it is difficult when it is at my expense. 

We had a GREAT day today. We both worked out, I surprised her with buying supplies to a couple of projects we have been talking about and then I accomplished them. And now shes talking crap about being smothered. Absolute bullsh!t. I spent half the day out of the house and the other half building sh!t. I know I'm not supposed to know this stuff but what the hell is she up to.

I have always been proud that she is my wife and would never condescend to shrinking her down to this size. I have given my life, my worth and my love to this woman and she is representing me as a low life a-hole to this friend. I can't even confront her due to the circumstances.

Please, someone talk me off of the fence right now.


----------



## Paulination

I feel like she is going to say something that will be the last straw and I am going to snap. Tell me something, is it possible she is just appealing to a sympathetic ear or can she possibly be this dillusional about the circumstances?


----------



## Paulination

OK last repeat post. What I love is how she is taliking sh!t on the new laptop I bought her a month ago as an early valentines day present since her old laptop was on the fritz. And when she is away, she can keep talking sh!t on the blackberry cellphone I bought her last valentines day while using the unlimited text messaging service I pay for exclusively for her. WTF???

I pay for EVERYTHING for this woman. Shes a stay at home mom, sleeps in, has the life of a princess meanwhile somehow I'm an a$$hole.

I just walked through the room and she has this clueless smirk on her face like I have no idea what is going on.


----------



## MSP

Deep breaths, Paul, deep breaths. Be an observer.


----------



## Paulination

MSP said:


> Deep breaths, Paul, deep breaths. Be an observer.


OK, I am seeing the potential of the situation. As pissed as I was, she's coming around. I am able to see what is pissing her off and turn it around. Tonight I read all sorts of sh!t about how I don't listen when she speaks ( which is not true but since she believes it is...) so I listened and the guard came down.


----------



## Fireplace Man

Hi Paul- glad to see that at least you are starting to see what is going on. I'm not as lucky as you yet. Have not got keylogger installed yet. Trouble overriding her antivirus protection. Keeps saying its detecting it. Not good. May have to have a pro try and install it from a remote location. By the way, last night five trips to laptop in 3 hrs. Was on it when I went to bed. Didnt say a word or show any isssue. I dont want give look that anything could be wrong. Just need help in installing this dam thing.


----------



## Chaparral

Have you tried contacting the company that sold you the keylogger?


----------



## workitout

Paulination said:


> OK, I am seeing the potential of the situation. As pissed as I was, she's coming around. I am able to see what is pissing her off and turn it around. Tonight I read all sorts of sh!t about how I don't listen when she speaks ( which is not true but since she believes it is...) so I listened and the guard came down.


Accommodating her behavior will only make things worse in the long run. If you can establish that she's just unhappy, get the both of you into marriage counseling.

When you try to change to appease her, you're enabling her to continue. The best thing you can do is focus inward and give her someone to model her behavior off of.


----------



## Thor

Paulination said:


> OK, I am seeing the potential of the situation. As pissed as I was, she's coming around. I am able to see what is pissing her off and turn it around. Tonight I read all sorts of sh!t about how I don't listen when she speaks ( which is not true but since she believes it is...) so I listened and the guard came down.


Paul, definitely do not let her know you are monitoring her. Don't do or say anything immediately.

If nothing comes up about any kind of affairs, this is all very good news and something which you can use to rebuild your marriage into something great. Look at it as a positive.

I haven't read your other threads and don't have a feel for who you are or how you act within your marriage. Your comments about how you pay for everything and how you rode to the rescue when her laptop died might indicate you are too much of a rescuer. You might be doing too much caretaking.

Take a look at No More Mr. Nice Guy. The book is by Dr. Robert Glover. He has a website and forums at nomoremrniceguy.com/forums which you could look at and use as a support group. Also the book "The Way of the Superior Man" by David Deida might be helpful.


----------



## jjwalters3

Mistys dad said:


> Being subtle isn't one of my strong points.
> 
> If I walked in, and she did the duck and cover, I would ask her straight out.
> 
> Is there a reason why you are hiding that from me?
> 
> If she says "Yes" the next question would be "Why".
> 
> If she says "No" the next thing I would say is "Great, let me look"


I'll just comment that I like this approach, direct and honest, as a marriage should be. My guess is she's flirting but left unchecked will certainly lead to resentment, arguments, and eventually justification and desire to follow through on the attention. Save yourself the pain, open the communication and sincerely explain that without trust the marriage is in jeopardy. That's no way to live and she shouldnt be making you feel this way. End of story. Edited: I only ready your first post and see quite a bit more now, happy to hear that's talking to you. Give her that attention and listen. I would also advise against trying to log her key strokes or spy on her.. You don't need proof of a crime to tell her how she makes you feel...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Chaparral

F-102 posted an excellent summary about how these re-connecting with old flame affairs usually go:


Quote:
Originally Posted by F-102 
It may have gone something like this:

They first start catching up, and it's all "How you been doing? What have you been up to?"

Then it would have morphed into talk about:

What they've been doing since they parted
Their significant others since they parted
Their families
Their favorite music, movies, etc.
Their spouses
You
Your job
How your job keeps you away
How lonely she gets when you're away
How she looks forward to their conversations all the time now
How she loves talking to him
How she gets "bored" talking to you
How you don't always listen
How you're not "perfect"
How you can be so insensitive sometimes
How she wonders if she would have stayed with him
How he understands her
How he knows how to make her feel good
How you fail at this
How you are such an a**hole
How she feels young again
How she hasn't felt this happy with you in so long
How he's a better man than you'll ever be
How she wants to see him again
How they can meet under the radar
How she's thought of leaving you
How she ever could have fallen for a jerk like you
How he's her soul mate
How she made a big mistake leaving him
How she made an even bigger mistake marrying you
How they were meant to be together...

...get the picture?


----------



## Halien

Once a problem becomes that big elephant in the room, I can't help but wonder if it is right to keep nodding to the elephant and searching behind the scenes instead of just saying, "Hey, you do know there is an elephant in the room here?"



I'm only suggesting this because she would have to be a fool to think that you didn't notice the very obvious reaction. Now, she's coasting along with the assumtion that you are okay with the status quo ... or the elephant in the room. Either that, or she's frantically trying to escalate the affair for a way out from under the elephant.


----------



## Conrad

Paul,

I don't want to hijack FPM's thread, but how old are you and your wife?

What was her childhood like?


----------



## Paulination

Conrad said:


> Paul,
> 
> I don't want to hijack FPM's thread, but how old are you and your wife?
> 
> What was her childhood like?


I'm 42 and she is 33. I met her when she was 19 and I was 28. Been married since just before 9/11. She was adopted at 18 days old and was born in Guadalajara. Her upbringing was all over the place. Her mom was the peaceful moderator type and her dad ruled with an iron fist. She witnessed alot of problems between her mom and dad and often begged her mom to leave him. Ironically they are going through a divorce now.

Some of our problems are derivatives of her childhood (IMO). I am no where close to her dad but she percieves me to be which makes her resentful.


----------



## Paulination

workitout said:


> Accommodating her behavior will only make things worse in the long run. If you can establish that she's just unhappy, get the both of you into marriage counseling.


First, I don't want to suggest I am without fault in any of this. I know I am so where I can spy on her and see what bothers her and is legitimate I can address in a way that makes her believe I have figured some things out. 

I know the spying is shady but ultimately the goal is to fix my marriage and to that end, it is worth it. My wife is a complicated woman. In a perfect world she would just express to me what is bothering her and we would address it. She doesn't and lets it build up and before I know it I am viewed as an a$$hole when I thought I was a saint.


----------



## Paulination

Thor said:


> Take a look at No More Mr. Nice Guy. The book is by Dr. Robert Glover.


.

I'm on chapter 4 as we speak. I am also reading Divorce Busting. I must say, I have learned ALOT about relationships since my ordeal has begun. 

THANK YOU so much to everyone here. This was the first place I found in the beginning and feel I have grown so much as a result of it. Even if my marriage fails I know I am ultimately more prepared for it then I ever would have been.

I'm feelin' the love!


----------



## Conrad

Paulination said:


> I'm 42 and she is 33. I met her when she was 19 and I was 28. Been married since just before 9/11. She was adopted at 18 days old and was born in Guadalajara. Her upbringing was all over the place. Her mom was the peaceful moderator type and her dad ruled with an iron fist. She witnessed alot of problems between her mom and dad and often begged her mom to leave him. Ironically they are going through a divorce now.
> 
> Some of our problems are derivatives of her childhood (IMO). I am no where close to her dad but she percieves me to be which makes her resentful.


I was afraid you were going to tell me that.

I'm not surprised to hear her childhood home was filled with neglect and anger. What you describe of her behavior towards you (ie: the lack of commitment to doing anything different and the anger when not getting her way) screams of an emotionally broken person.

She's likely known what you've wanted for years, but has been secretly angry with you because she's simply terrified to actually commit/submit to a man. She likely distrusts all men and holds them in contempt. You see, people who should not have hurt her DID hurt her a long time ago. You are likely the stand-in for her anger towards them.

Marriage counseling is not what she needs.

Individual counseling IS what she needs - with a focus on her interactions with you - and how she can get past her own anger and the resulting dismissal of your needs in your relationship.

Keep in mind that some people actually attend therapy simply to nurse their own internal anger. Of course, this gets nowhere. Then they end up repeating the same old mistakes for the rest of their lives. They are miserable and they blame everyone but themselves.

The people that hurt her aren't here.

Now, she's paying it forward.

It can stop here. But, she's going to need to fix herself. She's the only one that can.

You can do your part. His Needs/Her Needs and books like that are a good place to start. But, she likely needs to do some heavy lifting on her own.


----------



## MSP

Fireplace Man said:


> Hi Paul- glad to see that at least you are starting to see what is going on. I'm not as lucky as you yet. Have not got keylogger installed yet. Trouble overriding her antivirus protection. Keeps saying its detecting it. Not good. May have to have a pro try and install it from a remote location. By the way, last night five trips to laptop in 3 hrs. Was on it when I went to bed. Didnt say a word or show any isssue. I dont want give look that anything could be wrong. Just need help in installing this dam thing.


I PM'ed you a couple days or so ago. Did you get it?


----------



## Paulination

Well I am happy to report my wife wasn't talking sh!t about us with her friend tonight. Even better is that the friend was on FB as well (she commented on a couple of things on her wall) so they could have easily IM each other.


----------



## Chaparral

Paulination said:


> Well I am happy to report my wife wasn't talking sh!t about us with her friend tonight. Even better is that the friend was on FB as well (she commented on a couple of things on her wall) so they could have easily IM each other.


Keylogger?


----------



## KJ5000

There's dirty work afoot. A spouse's instincts are usually correct! Watch your back son and do not be afraid to confront her. Sneaks rely on that and use that it a means to continue questionable behavior and actions.


----------



## Paulination

chapparal said:


> Keylogger?


Indeed. My wife and I have been having problems and she can't articulate to me what her issue is (or mine). She doesn't want divorce but doesn't feel the same way about me and that something is missing. My first thought was EA (PA is impossible as all of her time is accounted for. I needed to know, she's being cryptic. Turns out no EA, PA just a wife who is running her mouth about our problems and making me out to be jerk of the earth.


*Anyway, I need you guys to help me. * I have my wifes FB password and I need to know the risks of being caught snooping. She is at her soccer game now which would be perfect timing but just before I logged in a thought came across so I stopped. 

What if a friend, especially the friend she's been running her mouth to sees my wife logged on and tries to IM her. I certainly couldn't respond. What is the friend says later "why didn't you answer my IM earlier?" and the wife puts together the fact that she was logged in at a time she couldn't have been. Could this scenario indeed occur?

So ideally the best time to snoop is when the wife is on FB. Can she tell that I am snooping from my end as long as I don't change anything? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. This is way too important for me to screw it up because I am too eager.

Thanks in advance.


----------



## Thor

No, don't log on when she is too. If you do something it might be mirrored to her screen.

There may be no way to change a FB email message to unread. In normal email you can do that, read an email and then mark it as unread. Also, in FB when you read emails it changes the icon on the top of the main page. When there is an unread message the notification is highlighted. When you go to messages it turns off the notification.

So you have to be careful with FB snooping. The safest is to log on and see if there are notifications. If not, click on the message icon and read messages that she has not erased. If she has notifications, I would not go to messages.

A keylogger should be catching any outgoing messages. A screenshot saver will capture messages she receives, reads, and then deletes. If your keylogger program will do screenshots it would be the safest way to gather intel.

Since you don't believe there is any EA/PA, perhaps you should cool it with the spy tech. If you get caught it will probably be a huge issue with her. The upside isn't the normal one with gathering hard evidence of an EA/PA.

If it were me I would approach her in a general way to see if she'll talk and try to get her to go to marriage therapy. In any case you can't use any intel you've gathered from her chats, so it doesn't do you any specific good other than knowing she is unhappy in the relationship.


----------



## Paulination

Thank you Thor. I will not snoop around her FB page directly unless the situation becomes so dire that being caught is secondary to information gathered. An EA or PA is really the only thing that would elevate it to that level.

I do have a program that takes sceanshots and that is how I know what I know already but she does alot of communication through her cell phone and I don't get all of that. I missed a huge segment that I feel would have beneficial when she went from her computer to her cell phone. The only way for me to see it is through direct access to her page, that is why I am so curious.


----------



## MSP

Actually, you can mark FB messages as unread, but you will still lose the homescreen notification once it's read. 

The main problem is that if she has chat set to automatically login, then everyone will see her available for chat, if they happen to look. You can turn her to invisible and hope no one sees this before you do, but you'll have to reset it before you log out, too.

Facebook chats are not automatically saved, so she could be chatting and you'll never know it without a keylogger program of some sort. You can install a plugin in the browser (Firefox or Chrome) that will save all chat history, but it's not secret. If she looks through her browser preferences she may see it.


----------



## RDL

Hello, this message is addressed to Paul,

What you found in your wife's chat is pretty much a carbon copy of what many women who come in for counseling tell me about their partners.

Allow me to please explain some common misunderstandings about what she is saying. 

Firstly the critical skill that most men should have in a relationship is how to properly emotionally support their partner. Most women will naturally talk about their feelings and want to receive understanding and support. 

It is likely that your wife feels she is not getting the support she desires when she speaks to you so she withdrew from that and searched for a friend who would be supportive. While another woman will instinctively offer the support she needs doing so is more difficult for untrained men as they naturally offer advice or logical explanations which feels invalidating and ultimately hurtful for a woman.

Regarding the wording she uses. Please keep in mind that this is the normal way a woman will express negative feelings she is not lying nor is she purposefully exaggerating. Please allow me to explain: 

- as a man you are naturally used to talk about facts, information, logic and you keep that focus even in heated emotional arguments

- most women when they are discussing emotions they will express them with whatever words suit them best. As such they assume a poetic license in their language. They will express feelings in a way that when you look at it logically it will seem out of context, exaggerated or flat out lying. However in her mind she is telling the truth because she is expressing how she feels rather than what happened

Furthermore in the case of heated negative emotional arguments your partner will remember the tone of voice and words you said that hurt her. She will remember the emotion of it and it will be out of context. Simply put, when you hurt your woman she will not register the logical context of what you where trying to say, her memory will register the negative emotion and as such blame you for it. 

In order to improve your situation I suggest a 2 step process:

- both you and your partner need to get informed on the critical skills necessary to build a healthy long term relationship. 

You need a license to drive a car, what are you doing driving a relationship without a license? Instinct leads you to misunderstandings that lead to the serious problems above.

- to bring about positive long term changes you need to practice the skills you learned to form the habits to sustain them. 

Understanding is not enough, you need diligent long term practice till it becomes habitual. Similarly to going to the gym.

To get started with understanding I highly recommend the material "John Gray Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" there you will find a wealth of good information.


----------



## RDL

Hello this message is addressed to fireplace_man,

If you would like to take steps towards peace of mind in an elegant way or you are concerned about invading her privacy may I suggest the following material :

http://www.citehr.com/101938-never-lied-again-ebook.html

"How to never be lied to again" has a wealth of deception detecting techniques and some of them fit your situation quite well.

I feel proceeding as such is more elegant than putting yourself at risk by installing a key logger that you feel uncomfortable using or are not technically able to or confronting her without training and be shut down.


----------



## Fireplace Man

FreedomCorp said:


> Hello this message is addressed to fireplace_man,
> 
> If you would like to take steps towards peace of mind in an elegant way or you are concerned about invading her privacy may I suggest the following material :
> 
> Never Be Lied to Again [eBook]
> 
> "How to never be lied to again" has a wealth of deception detecting techniques and some of them fit your situation quite well.
> 
> I feel proceeding as such is more elegant than putting yourself at risk by installing a key logger that you feel uncomfortable using or are not technically able to or confronting her without training and be shut down.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Fireplace Man

Good morning all. Well never installed key logger. Last night after the usual trips to computer room- she came out and said "is everything ok, u seem like there is something on your mind." Maybe I was wearing my emotions on my sleeve. I took the opportunity and said " now that u mention it there is something". I explained to her that her constant trips to FB were giving me concern- even more so because it was obvious that whatever she was doing it was clear that she didn't want me to be part of. Well after explaining my concern - she got agitated - went in to room signed on came out handed me laptop and said "can't believe that u would even question me after 16 yrs. Stay on my page all day and night-text anyone-do anything u like-read my posts etc I'm doing nothing wrong except talking to my family & friends." She then put laptop in front of me and "knock yourself out." She went to bed and I have not talked to her since as she went out to gym early this morning BTW-only needed a quick glance to see that all emails, etc were from family & friends. She seemed so upset. What u guys think I should do now?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Almostrecovered

put the keylogger on

this is exactly what I said earlier would happen

and you still don't know if she is upset that you "don't trust her" or is gaslighting you because she is in an EA (and deleting the proof)


----------



## Thor

If she is being careful, and if she is in some kind of affair, she would be deleting as she goes along.

I don't know what to make of her "I can't believe you would even question me after 16 years". It could be classic Cheater 101 response. If my wife falsely accused me, I think I would have that kind of response _but also would show concern_. We cannot presume our spouses will do what we think we might do in the same circumstance. So apply your knowledge of your wife's normal behavior.

I was surprised at my wife's flat and brief response to me asking her about the lady's razor and lotion found in the car. She just said "It's not mine", and "I am surprised you would think I could have an affair". Why didn't she show concern that I had such suspicions? Why didn't she show more curiosity about the razor and where it came from? Why didn't she discuss how to deal with the situation?

So do you think your wife's response and her subsequent behavior is consistent with how you expect her to respond if all is innocent? Trust your gut.

You do understand that she could have multiple FB accounts and secret email accounts, right?


----------



## NextTimeAround

When I raised the issue with my guy about his "friendship" and whether it was continuing, I did mention that I saw a couple of receipts, he offered to me immediately that I could look at his FB account and his yahoo account. 

there was none of this "how dare you" stuff. And these days I just would not put up with this.

If you are expected to turn down the approaches of other suitors AND spend your holidays with your partner's boring relatives AND more, then your partner should not have a problem verifying that it's worthy or your time to do so.


----------



## CandieGirl

If you've been wearing your emotions on your sleeve, and she's atune to this, then she may have realized that you thought there was something up. It could very well be that she's just covering her tracks, and giving you the laptop and telling you to knock yourself out, is just a big show of "how could you accuse me????". I have to say that it appears to be the classic backpedalling response...that she went to bed in a huff kind of seals that, IMO.

Good luck! Keep us posted!

(I hate FB sometimes!)


----------



## WhereAmI

Do you have access to the email she uses to log into FB? If so, you can download her FB history to see if she deleted incriminating convos. I've seen it explained on TAM, but I'm having trouble finding the link.

This should work: Download Your Entire Facebook History With The New Data Downloader
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans

Methinks you shouldn't have told her about FB and just monitored it for a week. If something was up, you are most liklely not going to find out about it since she's hip to you.

But who knows. Maybe nothing is going on. It all seems so strange though.

I read onec, sometimes the most logical explaination for something is exactly what it seems........ :/


----------



## Fireplace Man

_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Fireplace Man

Well, right or wrong, when she posed the question if something was up I took the opportunity. Unless she is a mind reader there is no way that she could ever known it was a facebk issue. Now I understand she could have deleted things but I really don't think so. I think it really is a case of her wasting time and talking to her family and friends. I saw a million emails and texts to her sister and mother alone. No I think the issue has switched to me not trusting her or even questioning her. Like I said she never did anything in 16 years and there was no change in her behavior with me in any way. She was perfect me with me all weekend up until I told her what was on my mind . I'm getting the feeling that I jumped the gun - really hurt her by questioning her- over what looks like to me a little innocent facebk obsession. By the way- she usually calls or texts at least 3 or 4 times while I'm working by this time of the afternoon. So far today- nothing from her- no calls no texts no messages.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash.

Fireplace Man said:


> No I think the issue has switched to me not trusting her or even questioning her.


Classic blameshifting. I think you jumped the gun on this one.


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## WhereAmI

Do not allow her to make you feel guilty for sharing your concerns. Chances are she knew darn well her FB addiction was causing a problem. 

Also, her facebook addiction is not innocent, even if she is only talking to her family. Visiting her FB every 15 minutes means you're not getting any REAL quality time. If you decide not to investigate further, you still need to address this issue. She should eventually understand that her constant need to visit the computer would be a red flag in any marriage.


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## Fireplace Man

Agreed. I don't think I have anything to apologize for. Especially in the way I presented to her- not accusing- but saying it was a concern - and also said if there was something that I was doing I would expect her to tell me what it was so we could discuss. So I need to go home from my job soon- any advice on what my attitude should be when I walk in the door? Obviously by her lack of texting etc to me do far today i am assuming she is really upset.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CandieGirl

Jellybeans said:


> Methinks you shouldn't have told her about FB and just monitored it for a week. If something was up, you are most liklely not going to find out about it since she's hip to you.
> 
> But who knows. Maybe nothing is going on. It all seems so strange though.
> 
> I read onec, sometimes the most logical explaination for something is exactly what it seems........ :/


Yup. I ransacked the house of a boyfriend with the help of my best friend once. We went through everything, drawers, computers, boxes of photos...put it all back very neatly, but when he asked what the two of us had done while he'd been away, I said:

"We ransacked the whole house. Went through everything, drawers, cupboards, computers, photos..."

He just laughed at me and said "Ya right"...


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## CandieGirl

Fireplace Man said:


> Agreed. I don't think I have anything to apologize for. Especially in the way I presented to her- not accusing- but saying it was a concern - and also said if there was something that I was doing I would expect her to tell me what it was so we could discuss. So I need to go home from my job soon- any advice on what my attitude should be when I walk in the door? Obviously by her lack of texting etc to me do far today i am assuming she is really upset.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Maybe you should turn this around on her a little so that she's more worried about you being upset, rather than play her silly game of "How dare you accuse me???".

Something's not right here, and I do believe you already know that.


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## justonelife

Her explanation of family/friends doesn't explain why she jumps when you enter the room and starts closing pages. Did you talk about that at all?

She is upset because she knows that whatever she is doing is wrong, even if it is just obsessively checking facebook for innocent messages from friends. She is probably embarrassed that this has become such a problem that you suspected her of cheating and deep down she must know how you could jump to such a conclusion. She is either guilty of cheating or not (still sounds like a very real possibility) but she is doing something that is hurting the marriage.

If I were you, I wouldn't act overly apologetic because you didn't do anything wrong. She asked you what was on your mind and you told her your concerns. She should be the one apologizing that at the very least, her facebook addiction has become a problem in the marriage that she needs to fix. I would lie low for a while and see what happens next. If she plays the "wounded" card for too long, I would be very suspicious that she is using this to distract you from the real issue.


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## Fireplace Man

I do know something is not quite right now because of attitude-unwillingness to discuss my concern and now by her lack of communication today- a clearcut signal from her to me that she is either pissed off or hurt or both. So again my question to those who have been through this obvious attempt at blame shifting what should my attitude be when I walk in?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WhereAmI

Fireplace Man said:


> Agreed. I don't think I have anything to apologize for. Especially in the way I presented to her- not accusing- but saying it was a concern - and also said if there was something that I was doing I would expect her to tell me what it was so we could discuss. So I need to go home from my job soon- any advice on what my attitude should be when I walk in the door? Obviously by her lack of texting etc to me do far today i am assuming she is really upset.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Just go about your day. She'll be waiting for you to ask why she didn't text. Don't bring it up. If she ignores you when you speak about mundane things, just walk away. She wants to be in control so her faults won't take center stage. Supposing there isn't an affair, the main issue is STILL hers to own. Be ready to respond to her anger.

Her: How DARE you accuse me of hiding things after 16 years!?! I've NEVER given you any reason! 

You: I won't apologize for sharing my feelings. You've been spending too much time on facebook. Do you need time to calm down before we discuss it? 

If she flips, stay calm. Tell her you want to talk with her when she's in a better place and walk away. You do NOT have to put up with her yelling. If at any point you're feeling like you may react emotionally instead of logically, excuse yourself. You need to show her complete confidence.


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## CandieGirl

Fireplace Man said:


> I do know something is not quite right now because of attitude-unwillingness to discuss my concern and now by her lack of communication today- a clearcut signal from her to me that she is either pissed off or hurt or both. So again my question to those who have been through this obvious attempt at blame shifting orphan should my attitude be when I walk in?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Honestly? I wouldn't be walking in at all, I'd be letting her stew on her own awhile. She's taken complete control of the situation, and now she's making you chase her, to see what's wrong. Blameshifting, tableturning, gaslighting...cribnotes for cheaters! Or at the very least, liars. 

Get ready for the 'friend' who is going through some really tough times and she's just there for him...


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## Fireplace Man

U mean not go home until unless I hear from her? I could do that very easily. My buddy who I work just saw your post and he is single and said hey- come home and stay with me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CandieGirl

Fireplace Man said:


> U mean not go home until unless I hear from her? I could do that very easily. My buddy who I work just saw your post and he is single and said hey- come home and stay with me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No, I wouldn't go home, I'd let her stew. She's trying to punish you by not talking to you today, yet she's the one in the wrong.

When she starts texting asking where you are, tell her you'll be home when she's ready to sit down and have a long talk about what's been going on on Facebook.

Now she knows you're on to her, you might as well have it out.


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## Mavash.

Fireplace Man said:


> U mean not go home until unless I hear from her? I could do that very easily. My buddy who I work just saw your post and he is single and said hey- come home and stay with me.


Yes that's exactly what I'd do.

Do you get WHY you have to do this?

This isn't about revenge it's about the part where she just turned this around and made it be about YOU. Totally unacceptable.


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## Bottled Up

WhereAmI said:


> Her: How DARE you accuse me of hiding things after 16 years!?! I've NEVER given you any reason!
> 
> You: I won't apologize for sharing my feelings. You've been spending too much time on facebook. Do you need time to calm down before we discuss it?
> 
> If she flips, stay calm. Tell her you want to talk with her when she's in a better place and walk away. You do NOT have to put up with her yelling. If at any point you're feeling like you may react emotionally instead of logically, excuse yourself. You need to show her complete confidence.


Fireplace Man, this is your script. Live by this. Do not lose your temper, do not admit you did anything wrong, by no means say you're sorry for anything because this is about her behavior, not yours. You did nothing wrong, reiterate that in your mind.


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## justonelife

My concern is that if you don't go home, you will only give her more excuses to blameshift and act like you are the one being unreasonable. 

I would take WhereAmI's advice. Go home, act normally and stay calm. Pay attention to her reaction.


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## Fireplace Man

I should add that because we haven't spoken -she has no idea if I saw something I didn't like. Any shot that u think she be afraid to contact me as she usually does many times during the work day? As I said earlier I saw nothing and she doesn't even know if I looked.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NextTimeAround

Mavash. said:


> Yes that's exactly what I'd do.
> 
> Do you get WHY you have to do this?
> 
> This isn't about revenge it's about the part where she just turned this around and made it be about YOU. Totally unacceptable.


I wouldn't be so sure. Does anyone who has more experience comment on this. Could the wife accuse him of separation or abondment on the basis of one or more evenings away?


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## Mavash.

justonelife said:


> My concern is that if you don't go home, you will only give her more excuses to blameshift and act like you are the one being unreasonable.


She needs a wake up call. She's taking him for granted. 

On fb every 15 minutes.....puhleese.

I think he deserves an evening away from this.


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## Mavash.

NextTimeAround said:


> I wouldn't be so sure. Does anyone who has more experience comment on this. Could the wife accuse him of separation or abondment on the basis of one or more evenings away?


I'm not suggesting he spend the night. Nope. Just come home a couple of hours late. That would work. No point pulling out the big guns just yet. Start small.


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## Tall Average Guy

Fireplace Man said:


> U mean not go home until unless I hear from her? I could do that very easily. My buddy who I work just saw your post and he is single and said hey- come home and stay with me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I disagree slightly with some of the advice you have gotten. You did not do anything wrong, so I would not leave your home. 

I would avoid engaging her. Stay out late for dinner and/or drinks with friends. Arrive home late, and do not discuss the issue unless she is willing to address your concerns. Separate bedrooms if necessary.

I don't like the idea of you being chased out of your home because of soemthing that she did. You have nothing to be afraid of or regret.


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## Thor

No I say go home and be as normal and happy as you can. Not fake, just don't let her mood drag you down or make you anxious. You did nothing wrong, so don't tip toe around her!


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## Fireplace Man

Lots of mixed opinion. What u think if I go home at normal time-it will take me 10 seconds to see what her attitude is. If its hostile I just turn around and go out and have some beers and a nice steak with my buddies. If she is ok- maybe I should hang out to see what she says if anything next? 

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kricket

Let me get this straight, the only thing you know that your wife is guilty of is spending too much time on FB and giving you the silent treatment? I don't think it is fair to not come home. She could really be just embarrassed that you picked up on her FB addiction. I think the best reaction on your part is to go home, but go about your own business. Tell her that you will be available to talk when she is ready to be totally open. If she is 100% innocent of any real wrong doing, then staying away from home will only build confusion and resentment on her part. 

There is a saying that those who are suspicious and accusing of another's actions, are only so because they are already guilty themselves. My point is if you continue to punish her for something she may have not done, she may start to think that you have something to be guilty of yourself. Playing silent power games is not going to get anything accomplished. Communication is the key, you just have to get to her to come out of her silent mode on her own.

I understand that this Man-up approach does work in many situations, but I will give you a scenario if I were in your wife's shoes (assuming she is innocent of an EA of course). If my husband walked behind me right now, I would most likely minimize my screen. I am doing nothing wrong, but it doesn't mean that I want my husband to read everything I post on this site. In fact, I did a survey one time on here and found that most people on here keep this site a secret from their spouse. None of these people are doing anything wrong and most learn how to make their relationships better. Now if my husband were to get upset and start thinking I was doing something wrong and I reacted like your wife, the worst thing he could do is stay away. I would just stew and escalate the situation in my mind. Before I knew it, I would be trying to figure out how I would make it as a single mom because my husband has lost his mind and I don't think I would be able to live with a man who doesn't trust me when I have done nothing wrong. All it takes is one discussion with my husband and things clear up and those thoughts and feelings are history.

If you really do suspect malicious activities, then obviously you have to take a different route than what I am suggesting. Just remember 16 years is a lot of time to build trust and you don't want to tear it all down in one week.


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## Thor

Kricket said:


> I understand that this Man-up approach does work in many situations


I agree with your post that he should go home and be normal. Staying away in this situation is not a "Man-up", it is passive aggressive or a mind game.

No More Mr. Nice Guy would probably advocate he go home and be as naturally cheerful and normal as possible. Don't let her mood dictate his moods. Don't react, and don't modify what you do based on her possible mood. Don't be a mind reader. Be direct, and be your natural authentic self.


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## TRy

Fireplace Man said:


> Lots of mixed opinion. What u think if I go home at normal time-it will take me 10 seconds to see what her attitude is. If its hostile I just turn around and go out and have some beers and a nice steak with my buddies. If she is ok- maybe I should hang out to see what she says if anything next?


 She is over reacting for someone that has done nothing wrong. Her showing you now does not explain her hiding the screen in the past. She obviously noticed your concern enough to bring it up, and would know what your concern was before you told her. Her showing you after she has had a chance to clean everything up, does not put her in the clear.

Do not back down. Do not avoid her. Go home and act normal. If she acts angry man up and tell her she has no right to act this way as your concern was reasonable. Tell her that it would be best for both of you to have complete transparency going forward. No hiding online or phone activities from each other. Sharing all passwords etc. Insist on this going forward. The more angry she gets the more likely she is doing something wrong. Do not let her anger change your mind. Man up here. If you are wrong about her cheating, that is nothing to damaging your marriage as compared to if you are right and do nothing about it. Stand your ground here. Many couples have complete transparency rules with no cheating suspected. When I asked this of my wife she readily agreed saying why would she care if I saw what she writes. In fact she though we already had an informal understand of this all along. 

You have done nothing wrong. You are not being unreasonable. Her anger in response is very concerning.


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## Jellybeans

Go home.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thewife

you should go home, don't add more hurt to the situation. I was at one point frequenting fb because of some friends and family until my H had to ask me if I am "addicted". I have also shut down the pc as he walked in as I do not want him to see some family issues (my parents) that I am commenting on (he doesn't like me giving suggestions to them). So please give her some time to realize what actually went wrong and not make too serious. Remember you don't have any proof of OM here and neither can you rule it out completely at this point but get back into life again as usual and things can unfold if there is something.


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## Fireplace Man

Jellybeans said:


> Go home.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Going home now. Stopped to have a bite to eat and a beer with the boys. BTW- still no calls or texts from her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fireplace Man

Hi all:
Got home. She was cold as ice. I went in as normal as possible. Said hi whats up? Barely said hi back in low voicea and didn't even look up. Enough of this foolish attitude. Went upstairs showered changed. Didn't say another word just walked out the door without saying a thing and am back with four close buddies at local watering hole. Debating if I even want to back there tonight. Easily can stay at buddies house. Thoughts here?


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## WhereAmI

Fireplace Man said:


> Hi all:
> Got home. She was cold as ice. I went in as normal as possible. Said hi whats up? Barely said hi back in low voicea and didn't even look up. Enough of this foolish attitude. Went upstairs showered changed. Didn't say another word just walked out the door without saying a thing and am back with four close buddies at local watering hole. Debating if I even want to back there tonight. Easily can stay at buddies house. Thoughts here?


Do you typically stay out without informing your wife? Do you stay at your buddy's house without giving any sort of notice? You need to play this as you would if nothing was going on. If staying out will ultimately cause more problems and give her ammo for blameshifting, don't do it. Besides, nothing says "I've got this under control" more than a man going home and sleeping soundly in his own bed. Being home and not apologizing for speaking up is far more effective than running away. Face your W.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thewife

Didn't you ask if she's ready to talk or something? She is mad for her own reasons did you give her enough time to gather herself and come and talk to you?


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## Thewife

WhereAmI said:


> Do you typically stay out without informing your wife? Do you stay at your buddy's house without giving any sort of notice? You need to play this as you would if nothing was going on. If staying out will ultimately cause more problems and give her ammo for blameshifting, don't do it. Besides, nothing says "I've got this under control" more than a man going home and sleeping soundly in his own bed. Being home and not apologizing for speaking up is far more effective than running away. Face your W.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:


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## Chaparral

Now that she knows you are concerned with her facebook routine you need to explain to her that what you find so troubling is why she hides it when you come into the room. If she is doing what she says she is doing why is she keeping it a secret? If she says she showed you everything tell her she had plenty of time to delete anything at all. But the number one thing is why she has gone ballistic over your simple questions. Tell her she has guilt written all over her. What would she do in your place. Do not do this by text/email where she can consider a reply and hide her body language. At this point all you have is your gut to rely on.

With her reaction I see no choice but install a good keylogger. 

What do your budddies think?


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## Fireplace Man

Yes gave her plenty of time to say something. Like 15 minutes reading the paper in the kitchen. Obvious she wasnt going to say a thing. Even walked by me once without saying a thing. Im debating not going back there only because Im pissed and really dont want to even see her right now. I didnt do a thing wrong except tell her that i had a concern. And she is the one that wants to be upset with me?


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## tacoma

I`d go home, apologize profusely, kiss her ass "just enough" and download a keylogger onto her PC the minute she starts snoring hard tonight.

I`d then just shut up and continue to kiss her ass "just enough" until that keylogger finds what she`s hiding or you`re convinced she`s hiding nothing.


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## TRy

Fireplace Man said:


> Yes gave her plenty of time to say something. Like 15 minutes reading the paper in the kitchen. Obvious she wasnt going to say a thing. Even walked by me once without saying a thing. Im debating not going back there only because Im pissed and really dont want to even see her right now. I didnt do a thing wrong except tell her that i had a concern. And she is the one that wants to be upset with me?


 Go home now and stay home. Do not go from being right to being wrong on this.

Tell her that it her current attitude along with her hiding the screen is a legitimate cause for even more concern. Do not be mean but do not be weak either.


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## WhereAmI

Fireplace Man said:


> Yes gave her plenty of time to say something. Like 15 minutes reading the paper in the kitchen. Obvious she wasnt going to say a thing. Even walked by me once without saying a thing. Im debating not going back there only because Im pissed and really dont want to even see her right now. I didnt do a thing wrong except tell her that i had a concern. And she is the one that wants to be upset with me?


Yep. It makes perfect sense to anyone who knows how to manipulate. As far as she sees it, you'll respond in one of two ways. The first would be to apologize, the second would be anger. If you become angry you're bound to react innapropriately at some point (like now). If you don't go home tonight she will have the ammo she needs to attack. Not only will she expect you to apologize, but if there IS an affair, she'll use this incident to show people why she had to cheat. Suddenly, you're the man who abandoned her and the OM is her knight in shining armor. GO HOME!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thewife

Understand your anger, if you have stayed at your buddies before its not so bad but if this is going to be your first time then she is going to have something to argue against you. If I were you I'll go home and go about my business like I did nothing wrong and hopefully will give her ample time to come and talk to you.


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## Lydia

I would go home. Tell her that you would like to talk to her, but only when she is ready. Let her know that you care... but that you want to address this issue.

Then I'd leave it at that. Find something to do without her - watch movies, participate in a hobby you like to do, etc. Don't act like her attitude bothers you. But make sure she knows that she can interrupt at any time when she is ready to talk about the issue.

Staying out is just going to give her justification for her behavior. She is going to make it into an excuse for herself.


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## Chaparral

Fireplace Man said:


> Yes gave her plenty of time to say something. Like 15 minutes reading the paper in the kitchen. Obvious she wasnt going to say a thing. Even walked by me once without saying a thing. Im debating not going back there only because Im pissed and really dont want to even see her right now. I didnt do a thing wrong except tell her that i had a concern. And she is the one that wants to be upset with me?


I think,at this point , this is an over reaction to an over reaction. Your escalating this in the wrong direction. Soon she will have a legitimate gripe.


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## Chaparral

Lydia said:


> I would go home. Tell her that you would like to talk to her, but only when she is ready. Let her know that you care... but that you want to address this issue.
> 
> Then I'd leave it at that. Find something to do without her - watch movies, participate in a hobby you like to do, etc. Don't act like her attitude bothers you. But make sure she knows that she can interrupt at any time when she is ready to talk about the issue.
> 
> Staying out is just going to give her justification for her behavior. She is going to make it into an excuse for herself.


Exactly, act as everything is normal. Make her come to you. She knows you are suspicious. She won't be able to ignore that forever. 

The keylogger is essential. Did you read what she was posting about? Even if she deleted things there may have been some useful info.

You have the high ground keep it. If she keeps giving you the silent treatment just ask her why and remind her that it looks like she is hiding something.


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## that_girl

Go home with enough dinner for one. lol. If she says anything about it, mention you hadn't talked and didn't know if she'd want anything.

Then go take a shower and go to bed. Smile, smile, smile. Put on some music too. Maybe something she's never heard you listen to before.

I don't know if this would help anything, but it would sure peak my interest!


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## Paulination

Alright people, I need some help. Tonight I was talking with my mother-in law and we were talking about giving my wife time and such and I was agreeable to that until later on.

I don't want to discount my wifes feelings but I have been a good man. I cook, I clean, I treat her like gold but suddenly she doesn't "love me the way she used to". We decided to go on this two month "in house seperation" but tonight I put my hand on her stomach as we lay in bed and she rejected it. At that point I snapped.

I have been this great, loyal, hard working, good father husband while she has stayed at home doing whatever she wants and I am the problem. Many people on this forum have told me I am too beta and I guess the alpha in me finally came out and I called her on it. 

Even though we agreed on a two month thing I told her that I was done. The moment she told me what the problems were as she percieved them I went to work. She said I scolded the kids too much, I acknoledged and stopped. She said she thought I drank too much, I stopped. I have been the best husband I could be since then addresing every concern she had.

She has done nothing. She doesn't wear her wedding ring (because she lost weight apparently) and I told her that bothered me but she still won't put it on. I bought both of us "Divorce Busters" nd asked her to read it but she hasn't even lifted it.

So tonight I told her I am done and as long as she is not willing to do anything then we are finished.

I don't get it. I am a good husband, father, and provider. And here is the wierd part, our looks differential is skewed in my favor. She admitted to her mom tonight that she hasn't even been hit on in the last 4 years meanwhile I get hit on all of the time. 

I should feel alot more sad then I do right now. I'm more worried about the kids and the logistics about the situation then about her. A month ago I was crushed, now not so much. Is this what she wanted or is this a back fire?


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## Fireplace Man

Hi Paul:
Hang in there my friend. 
Just like me, these things are hard to figure out. My thoughts and prayers are with you. 

Here's my update. Came home last night around 11:30 PM. When I pulled up the street into the driveway, I could see that my wife was back in the computer room.
By the time I pulled into the garage and got into the house, evetything was dark and she was upstairs. I went up, and she was in bed, lights off acting like she was sleeping. No way, she was. Went back downstairs watched tv then went up to bed around 1. This morning, she was in shower and out of house (I assume to work) by 6:30 AM, I know she starts around 8:30 AM so this is an hour and a half earlier than usual. No words, nothing. She still doesn't kno what I saw on the laptop. This is starting to become real strange. I just going about my business as usual and waiting to see what's next. One thing I do know as I looked out the window as she was getting in her car, she was dressed to kill, more so than she usually does for work with heels, dress & all. Maybe its my imagination running wild after the recent events but now Im watching everything. Unless they have an early meeting at work or something like that this is very odd? A month ago I wouldnt have even bothered looking out the window, now Im getting suspicious of every move.


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## Halien

Fireplace Man said:


> Hi Paul:
> Hang in there my friend.
> Just like me, these things are hard to figure out. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
> 
> Here's my update. Came home last night around 11:30 PM. When I pulled up the street into the driveway, I could see that my wife was back in the computer room.
> By the time I pulled into the garage and got into the house, evetything was dark and she was upstairs. I went up, and she was in bed, lights off acting like she was sleeping. No way, she was. Went back downstairs watched tv then went up to bed around 1. This morning, she was in shower and out of house (I assume to work) by 6:30 AM, I know she starts around 8:30 AM so this is an hour and a half earlier than usual. No words, nothing. She still doesn't kno what I saw on the laptop. This is starting to become real strange. I just going about my business as usual and waiting to see what's next. One thing I do know as I looked out the window as she was getting in her car, she was dressed to kill, more so than she usually does for work with heels, dress & all. Maybe its my imagination running wild after the recent events but now Im watching everything. Unless they have an early meeting at work or something like that this is very odd? A month ago I wouldnt have even bothered looking out the window, now Im getting suspicious of every move.


Why not just meet her at work and TALK? Right now. The waiting game doesn't really serve any useful end. Let her know that you are willing to address this issue, and make clearing it up your number one priority. Since she went to work early, let her talk about it for a few minutes. Most of us can get away with short absences at work. Such a meeting will have the added benefit of making sure that work was her destination, although I think there may not be enough there to make this the top priority. Seriously, when your mind goes overboard with potential scenarios, just follow the trail and get it out of your mind, so you can keep your balance. Call her when you get there and just tell her that you do not like the anger, and want to make it right.


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## Momaste

I would suggest asking her on a date, opening the lines of communication again, getting to know more of what is going on in her life. Find out if she is going through anything right now and let her know that you are here for her. Talk about the importance of communicating with each other. Perhaps time management when it comes to facebook, allotting time for facebook everyday. Be honest about your feelings. Try to working together, you have to be on the same team. There is a really wonderful movie I just watched its called "Fireproof" your name made me think of it actually, LOL! Its about fireproofing your marriage, you might find it really helpful 

Goodluck and I wish you and your DW best resolution possible and many more years of happiness! Blessings!


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## SprucHub

I agree on opening the lines of communication. Maybe a clarification e.g., I was not accusing you of cheating just of being secretive. You're constantly on the computer and, obviously, consciously hiding what you are doing from me. I have no clue what you are up to - because you are hiding it from me. Our 16 years together is what keeps me calm, but such behavior is childish (I expect our children to hide their facebook chats from us, but not you to hide your activity from me). This has been going on for a while, and it is troubling to me, merely because I have no clue what you are hiding from me, and that makes my imagination churn. Your response was "how can you not trust me?". But, I am not hiding something from you, if you trust me, why are you hiding your discussions from me?. You've shown me your laptop, and that is great. I do not want to prevent you from keeping up with people, I hope we can continue without you hiding what you are doing from me. Let us go on a date tonight.


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## Thor

Paulination said:


> I don't want to discount my wifes feelings but I have been a good man. I cook, I clean, I treat her like gold but suddenly she doesn't "love me the way she used to".
> .
> .
> .
> 
> I have been this great, loyal, hard working, good father husband while she has stayed at home doing whatever she wants and I am the problem.


Covert contracts are bad.


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## Fireplace Man

Thor said:


> Covert contracts are bad.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fireplace Man

Another day- no texts or calls from her. Standing my ground here. I did nothing wrong but voice a concern. Have no idea where this is headed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CandieGirl

So what are you going to do? Can't go on like this...she sounds immature. Pouting because you voiced a concern? Please!


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## Chaparral

She is overreacting badly, you have to wonder why. Figure out the keylogger. Check phone/text records and put a voice activated recorder velcroed under her car seat. GPS too on her phone, car or both. Otherwise your going to drive yourself crazy with doubt.


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## Chaparral

Is this the way she normally acts after a spat?


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## tacoma

Fireplace Man said:


> Another day- no texts or calls from her. Standing my ground here. I did nothing wrong but voice a concern. Have no idea where this is headed.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You`d know where it was headed if you`d put the keylogger on her machine.


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## TRy

Fireplace Man said:


> Another day- no texts or calls from her. Standing my ground here. I did nothing wrong but voice a concern. Have no idea where this is headed.


 When your wife asks how dare you question her after all these years of her giving you no reason not to trust her, turn it around on her and say the fact that you have never questioned before proves that you are a reasonable person. Tell her that you are questioning her now for the first time because it is reasonable to do so based on her actions.


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## Caligyrl

Facebook is by far the #1 reason for divorce in the United States since it's inception. It offers so many ways to connect that no one can see i.e., chat, secret pages, closed groups, private message and so on. 
I too have a facebook addicted spouse. You can see my story in the ADDICTION board under "Addicted To Facebook". 
Your dilemma is a bit different as I can see most everything he posts-it's just that he spends every waking moment some days and in the face of the threat of divorce, he won't stop. We can be playing a game with his daughter and he has to have the laptop nearby so he can refresh every couple of minutes. Maddening. 

My advice to you is to heed these replies of the red flag. There obviously IS something to hide and asking will only present you with a sterile page of posts or emails that will put you in a position of having to defend yourself for even thinking something wrong was happening. 
Go to a computer store or get online and research keystroke loggers. Find one you feel comfortable with and install it on her computer when you can. You should be able to log in from your own and see a mirror image. At the very least-you will be able to copy the passwords. Good luck.


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## Caligyrl

Sorry, just caught up with this whole thread. Yes, she is badly overreacting-but to me, that is part of the defensive patterns. What she presented you with is a sterile laptop. Go ahead and look she said. It's because everything is deleted hourly, daily, etc. except the normal stuff that will always be there. 
Put on the logger...and just sit back and wait to see. Don't show your hand again tho.
(On a personal note-when I told my husband to get off of the facebook page he spent so much time with, he put his fist through the wall. Defensive pattern again)


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## Bottled Up

Fireplace Man, I am going to lay this out for you very clearly and bluntly... and I wish it weren't the case... but I am really starting to think that she is involved with another guy. And every single day that goes by that you do not have that keylogger installed on the computer, you are wasting precious time of gathering crucial evidence of her cheating. Let me point out to your attention the red flags from your very own words...



Fireplace Man said:


> Came home last night around 11:30 PM. When I pulled up the street into the driveway, I could see that my wife was back in the computer room.
> By the time I pulled into the garage and got into the house, evetything was dark and she was upstairs. I went up, and she was in bed, lights off acting like she was sleeping.


There is absolutely no reason to to act this suspicious unless she had something to hide from you. Now she's avoiding you completely. If she's having an affair, it is now escalating big time. You better start gathering evidence NOW. You don't have a leg to stand on without evidence, and confronting her on your suspicions will yield no truth for you as you've already tried this and failed. 



Fireplace Man said:


> This morning, she was in shower and out of house (I assume to work) by 6:30 AM, I know she starts around 8:30 AM so this is an hour and a half earlier than usual.


Great observation here... seems to me like plenty of time for a quick early-morning rendezvous with the OM. And since now that she's pissed off at your prior questioning, she's probably actively trying to pursue this affair to the highest degree since her emotions are running wild. So what are you going to do about it? Sit around and keep wondering or get that freakin' keylogger installed to gather your proof?



Fireplace Man said:


> One thing I do know as I looked out the window as she was getting in her car, she was dressed to kill.... Unless they have an early meeting at work...


Nope... I highly doubt any meetings at work start an hour and a half ahead of schedule. She's dressed to kill because she is going to meet the OM for an early morning rendezvous. And now that she's pissed at you she's probably venting her anger by using the OM as her sex outlet. This situation is becoming dire. You may need to find a way to follow her if you can't get a keylogger installed soon. Heck, you should consider it anyway at this stage of concern. HUGE RED FLAG.

Go to sourceforge.net - It is an open source site full of freeware and they have keyloggers you can download and install. At least then you don't have to waste any more time running out and buying one, you can try your luck with a freebie.


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## Lydia

Something is definitely going on. You need to install the keylogger.

Have you investigated at all to see if she could have a secret facebook account that you don't know about?
Have you looked at her text messages? Do you have access to the phone bill to review what phone numbers she has been texting/calling consistently?

I also agree with getting a voice activated recorder for her car and possibly even the computer room.
You not being home is giving her ample opportunity to turn her possible affair into a full blown affair, and I'm pretty sure something is going on that isn't normal. This is not normal behavior or normal response - the normal response would be concern and her WANTING to clear the air by talking about it.
She's trying to shut you down and probably enjoying every min of her new found freedom since you have been staying away from the home.

Get the keylogger installed/if you have a buddy or someone who can do it for you, do it.
Get a voice activated recorder.
Review her phone logs.
Investigate if she has any other email addresses or facebook that she uses that you don't know about.

The answer lies there. You can find it.


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## Lydia

Also, if she left an hour and a half early for work - you should drive up to her work and see if she is there. Just cruise the parking lot quickly to see if she is really there.

Or if you can get away with it, follow her. I really doubt she's going to an early morning meeting. Either she's being passive aggressive, or meeting OM.


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## Fireplace Man

Wife came home at usual time last night. Before I even had a chance to say anything, she said "you hurt me more the other night than you have in 16 years. Im a good wife and mother, never gave you a moment of doubt, and you have suspicions of what Im doing on a computer"? I dont want to talk about this, I told u that i was talking to my family&friends and if u dont beleive that then I dont know what to say. Im done with the computer, its not worth it." She handed me the laptop, and said do what you want with it because I dont want it anymore."

With that she made dinner without saying a word, talked to the kids, and said she was tired and went to bed early. By the way, I heard her tell my daughter, and she is not overly religious, but goes to church on Sunday's, that she got up early yesterday and went to 7AM mass, becuase Lent started on Wednesday and she couldnt go to mass today becuase she had training in work starting at 730. I know that is true because that happens once a month on a Wednesday.

Now I dont know if Im a jerk for suspecting her or a jerk for trying to believe her?


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## MrK

- Tell her about all of the affairs you've read about when there was no reason to suspect a spouse affter 16 years.

- Tell her about all of the affairs you've read about that follow the EXACT same script that she is reading from.

- Tell her about all of the affairs that start on facebook EXACTLY in the manner in which she is acting.

- Tell her that after 16 years of a beautiful marriage, you now have a problem and she needs to address it NOW, as an adult, or it will get worse.

I'm sick of marriage. It's not worth it. It DEVASTATED me when I figured out my wife of 20 years never really loved me. Now I just don't care.


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## Chaparral

When I walk into the room, no one hides their computer. Ask her why she does. I would check phone/text records and VAR in car.

Probably nothing.


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## bandit.45

> She handed me the laptop, and said do what you want with it because I dont want it anymore."


I'm not an egghead, but alot of the posters here are.

Can the OP take the laptop to a computer tech and have the deleted e-mails extracted?


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## Gratitude

Years ago my husband discovered facebook. He became addicted after a month, playing games, catching up with old friends etc. He would stay up until 4am and be glued to it in his spare time. It is addictive, just like online gambling. I'm not a fan myself - in a marriage, unless both partners are pretty controlled in it's usage, I feel it just opens a door into your home and marriage that you don't need. It can create all sorts of problems. Marriage can be difficult enough at times with money worries, temptation, arguments, family etc - why let another threat in. 

When my husband was at work I found his password and deleted his facebook account (as I warned him before I would after long discussions and him talking to old female friends). When he came home I told him how I felt, why I did it and anticipating a huge blow up, he said - ok. And that was it. Years on and we have no secrets, no accounts we don't know about, all passwords shared. 

My advice to you is - she said take the computer, she doesn't want it? *Take it.* Don't back down and say it's ok, I know it was nothing etc - because look back on the last 15 pages of posts. It was something. It was a threat in your marriage so eliminate it.

Don't feel guilty for expressing yourself. She should feel guilty for not expressing herself and shutting you out and not talking. If your spouse is hiding anything it's perfectly reasonable for anyone to become suspicious. That's human nature. The cure? Don't have secrets. 

There is a difference between privacy and secrecy. And it's communication. If you want privacy, but become defensive quickly if questioned, or shut down, or act shifty - you just look like your hiding something. Better to be honest and communicate rather than walk out and give your partner cause to worry.


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## Halien

bandit.45 said:


> I'm not an egghead, but alot of the posters here are.
> 
> Can the OP take the laptop to a computer tech and have the deleted e-mails extracted?


As an egghead, there's actually a better ap than that. I'm not sure what they call it in the software world, but I call it "Oops!!! I didn't mean to drop that...." Granted, slippery fingers should've only come into play when the first ap failed. You can download the first ap from the Android Market at the moment that secrecy becomes an issue. Its called 'confrontation'. It includes the 'transparency' module if its loaded correctly.


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## Almostrecovered

bandit.45 said:


> I'm not an egghead, but alot of the posters here are.
> 
> Can the OP take the laptop to a computer tech and have the deleted e-mails extracted?



I've said it earlier

facebook chat gets stored in the temp memory of a computer, even if deleted

thus as long as it is not overwritten (as more temp memory gets used) you can retrieve it

this company has software to do that

JADsoftware - Software Publisher Profile - CNET Download.com


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## F-102

It's possible that she let you have the computer because she has a NEW way to communicate with the possible OM, i.e., a new laptop you don't know about, a secret pay-as-you-go cell phone (they can't be tracked so easily), or she is now meeting the OM face-to-face. Be watching for her to be coming home late, girls' night outs, unexplainably long trips to the grocery store, etc.

And, if there is an OM, he may be coaching her how to stay one step ahead of you, because he knows very well from experience the "careless mistakes" that would get her caught.


----------



## Gratitude

OR .... there is the possibility that she is NOT having an affair and he could create more problems in his marriage that aren't there with his suspicions .. 

Just playing devils advocate ... got to be careful loading him up with these thoughts, if it is innocent you don't want to advise him too far the other way and cause problems ...

I could be wrong though, just my advice ....


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## F-102

You may be right, gratitude. She may simply resent the way that the OP went from husband to "stern father". I know I would be resentful if my W alluded to me giving up a new hobby.

But then again, what if this new hobby of hers is really an "old" one, if you get my meaning...


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## Fireplace Man

No long trips to grocery store, girls night out is usually at my house when I'm out with my buddies or at a local restaurant down the street. Cell phone always open and in clear view. Nothing, absolutely nothing, changed except when she was on fb all the time and not wanting me to see and now her adverse reaction to my questioning her. Known this person for 18 years and has never acted or reacted to anything like this before. It's either she knows she is hiding something and got caught and is feeling guilty, is embarrassed by having spent so much time on fb all the time or she is really just pissed off at my questioning her. This is a brilliant and very attractive woman with a Master's Degree and a position in the medical field that anyone would envy. I guess I'm going to have to figure this one out by observation.


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## TRy

Fireplace Man said:


> "you hurt me more the other night than you have in 16 years. Im a good wife and mother, never gave you a moment of doubt, and you have suspicions of what Im doing on a computer"?


 Tell her that by her own admission you never had "a moment of doubt" before which proves that you are a reasonable person and have been a trusting husband. The fact that this is the first time you have expressed concern in 16 years is because she was acting secretive and suspiciously even to someone that has proven to be reasonable and trusting. Because of this she should have take those concerns seriously and treated you with compassion and understanding about them.

Her reaction thus far, including giving the laptop to you, is a big time over reaction by her. Something is wrong here. She either has something to feel guilty about and you stopped her before it went to far, or she has taken it underground.


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## Gratitude

F-102 said:


> You may be right, gratitude. She may simply resent the way that the OP went from husband to "stern father". I know I would be resentful if my W alluded to me giving up a new hobby.
> 
> But then again, what if this new hobby of hers is really an "old" one, if you get my meaning...


I do know ... when my husband used to do alot of facebook, I have to admit even though it drove me round the bend (see above) he never hid it. The page was open and if I walked in at 3am he wasn't secretive.

It could be a case of she wants privacy from him, maybe she feels embarrassed if he reads her messages even if they're innocent .. she's definitely addicted though and it's interfering in their marriage.

He doesn't want to believe in any wrongdoing, and I don't think she will admit anything IF there's anything going on so ... where does that leave him?


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## CandieGirl

Whatever W was doing; looks like she's taken it underground...


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## SprucHub

TRy said:


> Tell her that by her own admission you never had "a moment of doubt" before which proves that you are a reasonable person and have been a trusting husband. The fact that this is the first time you have expressed concern in 16 years is because she was acting secretive and suspiciously even to someone that has proven to be reasonable and trusting. Because of this she should have take those concerns seriously and treated you with compassion and understanding about them.
> 
> Her reaction thus far, including giving the laptop to you, is a big time over reaction by her. Something is wrong here. She either has something to feel guilty about and you stopped her before it went to far, or she has taken it underground.


Maybe nothing is going on, probably the most likely thing. But do not be browbeat by an overreaction. She likes to throw the 16 year thing at you, you should say that you would like to have a conversation (be calm and smooth). Then, similar to what TRy says, tell her that you have had no reason to doubt anything. But, secretive behavior suggests you are keeping secrets. Tell her that hiding her screen, minimizing her discussions, and closing her laptop when you were around was secretive not private (defeat her fallback to privacy by getting out in front and defining what she was doing as not private). Plus being on the computer then sneaking off to bed was secretive and sneaky. If you say this in a calm manner, maybe in a restaurant on a date, and she cannot see that she was being secretive and sneaky, then she is being unreasonable. Being calm is the key - like the issue is resolved and you are clearing any air that lingers. And hey, why not check the computer history for your sanity - dude, she was being secretive.

Worst comes to worst, and you realize your imagination (with the help of this board) took you overboard and she is honestly that mad about this issue, tell her that you trust her, but you are human. You put all your eggs in one basket and you were just checking to make sure it was not broken. You trusted her enough to approach her with the issue and tell her what you are thinking, rather than going crazy and hiring a I or a hacker. When you see what is out there in the world, sometimes you think what you have is too good to be true so . . . (you know the aphorism). Doing this in a card with flowers might win the day for you.


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## Fireplace Man

And you know what the strange thing is?- she has never asked or even knows if I saw her posts, messages, etc. etc. Besides her not wanting to talk about this it is maddening that she is not curious if I even saw anything I could object to. Not a question, not a word. Just crazy. Even if she deleted stuff as some have suggested there still was tons of posts messages etc that i saw. I mean isnt it a little crazy that she is not curiuos that one of those could have got me mad.


----------



## SprucHub

Fireplace Man said:


> And you know what the strange thing is?- she has never asked or even knows if I saw her posts, messages, etc. etc. Besides her not wanting to talk about this it is maddening that she is not curious if I even saw anything I could object to. Not a question, not a word. Just crazy. Even if she deleted stuff as some have suggested there still was tons of posts messages etc that i saw. I mean isnt it a little crazy that she is not curiuos that one of those could have got me mad.


I bet she is mad that you looked. Your immediate response not being "no need, I trust you, I just want to know what the He11 is keeping you so occupied; your word is golden", she is insulted (or at least acting insulted).


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## Caligyrl

Fireplace man....when I confronted my husband with his FB time/activity he deleted his account. That was the first of 6 deletions over the past 8 months we have been fighting about this. He's thrown things, said really ugly things to me, broke one of our living room lamps, punched a hole in the wall, and other "defensive" actions. He's acting out more than your wife-but the end result is still the same. Do not feel bad-you had a genuine concern, and if it's important enough to be an issue to you-it should be an issue to her to fix. (and not like that)


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## sigma1299

Has she provided any explanation for why she worked so hard to keep you from seeing what she was doing and acting like she was guilty of something?

I hate to sound like I always assume the worst but her reaction wouldn't make me feel any better. She's following the cheaters script line for line and when that happens it's almost never wrong based on my experience here. The bad news is that if there really is something going on you're dealing with a talented and motivated cheater. To hand you that laptop is a pretty ballsy move on her part - if she is up to something she sterilized it before she gave it to you and established another means of communication. 

Do you still have the laptop? I'll be interested to see her reaction if you keep it. 

And I ask again - if she's not guilty why is she acting that way?


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## Caligyrl

If you are in doubt, take the laptop to a computer expert who can retreive the deleted info.


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## Fireplace Man

The only she said when I confronted her was ""can't believe that u would even question me after 16 yrs. Stay on my page all day and night-text anyone-do anything u like-read my posts etc I'm doing nothing wrong except talking to my family & friends." She then put laptop in front of me and said "knock yourself out." 

I ended up putting in back on her desk.

After two days of silence she said, "you hurt me more the other night than you have in 16 years. Im a good wife and mother, never gave you a moment of doubt, and you have suspicions of what Im doing on a computer"? I dont want to talk about this, I told u that i was talking to my family&friends and if u dont beleive that then I dont know what to say. Im done with the computer, its not worth it." She handed me the laptop, and said do what you want with it because I dont want it anymore."

It it in the same spot where she handed it to me and it is obvious that she hasnt touched it. So to answer your question, yes I still have it.


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## Gratitude

You need to decide you either believe her, or you don't. She is not going to say anything more about it. If you don't believe her - based on your 16 years together and not anyone else's opinion - then investigate.

If you do believe her, you need to let it drop. Stay firm on the no facebook though.

You're in limbo at the moment so you need to make a decision.

If you have any doubts, do the keylogger. If she is not going to find out you did it, and it will ease your mind, then do it. If you do find something, make sure it's solid before approaching her. Because if she finds out you've snooped, and it's innocent, it's not going to end well for you.

If you decide to let it go, actually let it go.

And if you do come across something .. be prepared for how that is going to make you feel...

Good Luck


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## sigma1299

I'm really not sure what to make of this. All I can do is point out that your post of her reaction is text book cheater script - text book. But sometimes if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's still NOT a duck. 



Fireplace Man said:


> After two days of silence she said, "you hurt me more the other night than you have in 16 years. Im a good wife and mother, never gave you a moment of doubt, and you have suspicions of what Im doing on a computer"?


 *BLAME SHIFTING*





Fireplace Man said:


> I dont want to talk about this


*RUG SWEEPING*






Fireplace Man said:


> I told u that i was talking to my family&friends and if u dont beleive that then I dont know what to say.


 *GAS LIGHTING*





Fireplace Man said:


> Im done with the computer, its not worth it." She handed me the laptop, and said do what you want with it because I dont want it anymore."


*GAS LIGHTING & BLAME SHIFTING*





Fireplace Man said:


> It it in the same spot where she handed it to me and it is obvious that she hasnt touched it. So to answer your question, yes I still have it.


Does she have any other need for it? Household expenses or anything like that? How is she checking her email. She can't cut off communication with the entire world indefinitely. Me - I'd pick it up and put it somewhere where she couldn't get to it but I'm confrontational that way. She didn't just instantly go dark with the rest of the world. If she doesn't come around for that thing my bet would be she's got another computer or smart phone somewhere - affair or not.


----------



## justonelife

Fireplace Man said:


> And you know what the strange thing is?- she has never asked or even knows if I saw her posts, messages, etc. etc. Besides her not wanting to talk about this it is maddening that she is not curious if I even saw anything I could object to. Not a question, not a word. Just crazy. Even if she deleted stuff as some have suggested there still was tons of posts messages etc that i saw. I mean isnt it a little crazy that she is not curiuos that one of those could have got me mad.


She isn't questioning whether you saw anything that would make you mad because she knows exactly what you might have seen. She either scrubbed it first or there was nothing wrong in the first place.

I'm still not understanding the "after 16 years how could you not trust me" and extreme overreaction. How exactly did you confront her? What did you say? You sound pretty reasonable so I'm guessing you didn't fly off the handle and accuse her outright of cheating. If your confrontation was reasonable, her reaction is NOT. Think about that.


----------



## Caligyrl

I have a smartphone. I have 2 email addresses (yes, hubby knows about them-one is professional for job hunting) and can check them both by phone. I can also post, message and anything else on Facebook via my phone. 
Check her account settings. It will tell you what email addresses she has associated with that account as well as any mobile numbers.


----------



## CandieGirl

Fireplace Man said:


> The only she said when I confronted her was ""can't believe that u would even question me after 16 yrs. Stay on my page all day and night-text anyone-do anything u like-read my posts etc I'm doing nothing wrong except talking to my family & friends." She then put laptop in front of me and said "knock yourself out."
> 
> I ended up putting in back on her desk.
> 
> After two days of silence she said, "you hurt me more the other night than you have in 16 years. Im a good wife and mother, never gave you a moment of doubt, and you have suspicions of what Im doing on a computer"? I dont want to talk about this, I told u that i was talking to my family&friends and if u dont beleive that then I dont know what to say. Im done with the computer, its not worth it." She handed me the laptop, and said do what you want with it because I dont want it anymore."
> 
> It it in the same spot where she handed it to me and it is obvious that she hasnt touched it. So to answer your question, yes I still have it.


Sounds like she took a gamble and won; I am in agreement that she must have cleaned out whatever it was that she was hiding, tho.

Did you see her messges or anything at all?


----------



## TRy

Fireplace Man said:


> The only she said when I confronted her was ""can't believe that u would even question me after 16 yrs. Stay on my page all day and night-text anyone-do anything u like-read my posts etc I'm doing nothing wrong except talking to my family & friends."


 Ask her who are these friends? Are any of them male? Also she has not stopped communicating with these people. How is she communicating with them now?

The best defense is a good offense and she has launched an all out offense. This is not the action of an innocent person. You were not out of line but she is.


----------



## WhereAmI

I walked in the living room one night and my H quickly exited out of his email. I'm not one to dismiss suspicious behavior, so I called him on it. He got upset and told me if I was "so paranoid" I could read whatever I wanted. I took him up on his offer immediately. I found an email from a coworker thanking him for listening to her problems (work related and about her horrible break up). When I pointed out that it was inappropriate, he went on to say I was overreacting and he shouldn't be "punished" for listening to her. He was just listening, after all. Plus, she was of a race that he's not sexually attracted to. Again, not being a dumb b*tch, I hit the google machine. Turns out he lied about that too.

My point is, even when a liar is caught in action, they'll do every thing they can to cover their tracks. I was literally sitting down with my H staring at the truth and he tried to find ways around it. You are at a major disadvantage at this point. She was warned, so she covered her tracks. I'm surprised you haven't checked out her FB yet. It's possible she accidentally archived something instead of deleted it, but you're giving her ample time to go back and double check for errors. 

I'm still not going to dismiss the possibility that she simply had a FB addiction. I'm just having a hard time understanding why you're not investigating further. She's already pissed, you have nothing to lose.


----------



## Fireplace Man

WhereAmI said:


> I walked in the living room one night and my H quickly exited out of his email. I'm not one to dismiss suspicious behavior, so I called him on it. He got upset and told me if I was "so paranoid" I could read whatever I wanted. I took him up on his offer immediately. I found an email from a coworker thanking him for listening to her problems (work related and about her horrible break up). When I pointed out that it was inappropriate, he went on to say I was overreacting and he shouldn't be "punished" for listening to her. He was just listening, after all. Plus, she was of a race that he's not sexually attracted to. Again, not being a dumb b*tch, I hit the google machine. Turns out he lied about that too.
> 
> My point is, even when a liar is caught in action, they'll do every thing they can to cover their tracks. I was literally sitting down with my H staring at the truth and he tried to find ways around it. You are at a major disadvantage at this point. She was warned, so she covered her tracks. I'm surprised you haven't checked out her FB yet. It's possible she accidentally archived something instead of deleted it, but you're giving her ample time to go back and double check for errors.
> 
> I'm still not going to dismiss the possibility that she simply had a FB addiction. I'm just having a hard time understanding why you're not investigating further. She's already pissed, you have nothing to lose.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## A Bit Much

Does she work outside the home? She may not be on FB at home, but she could be doing it elsewhere. Smartphone even.

I think it's very strange she reacted the way she did to you voicing concern, and that the first thing she said was "can't believe that u would even question me after 16 yrs." It's weird. You weren't even questioning her about her talking to another man, you didn't question her at all, you just stated her FB time was excessive.

I think she gave something away when she said that. And then she tried to manipulate the situation and you by not speaking to you for 2 days, thinking maybe you'd grovel and apologize for suspecting her. Someone that gets that 'upset' or emotional over a simple concern has something nefarious going on.


----------



## Fireplace Man

Given this lots of thought. No change in behavior, no change in the bedroom, no change in habits, no change in anything. On a scale of 1 to 10 this marriage has been at least a 9. I've talked to her sister-she told me that she as well as my wife as well as few mutual girlfriends were starting to become addicted to FB. I asked what she could possibly not want me to see and she said "c'mon Mark, girl stuff, like venting about certain things to each other etc. She then said to me "as 
much as I kno that u love my sister would u want to hear everything that you talk about when u r having a few beers with the boys? She said same principal applies here and the reason they all talk on FB is because her sisters and friends are so spread out across the country and don't have the same opportunity as I do to just meet up with the boys". She then told me that she talked to my wife and the reason she is upset is because she feels as if I don't trust her and now she cannot go back to her friends and family and do what they have been doing because I have now tainted her experience. She also said that they both agreed that they were getting crazy with it and it was becoming obsessive. I think I really messed up and maybe should have approached it in different way. She thinks I violated what she feels she earned in our marriage. Now I'm sure that what she was doing was exactly what she said- I want this foolishness to stop. Any advice on how to approach it ,tonight?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash.

Fireplace Man said:


> she cannot go back to her friends and family and do what they have been doing because I have now tainted her experience.


Tainted her experience? Or she got caught?

Calling BS on this.


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## tacoma

Dude, your wife is hiding something from you.

It doesn't matter if it's an online EA or her *****ing about you to her friends and family/
Either way it's totally innappropriate and has to stop.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tall Average Guy

Fireplace Man said:


> Given this lots of thought. No change in behavior, no change in the bedroom, no change in habits, no change in anything. On a scale of 1 to 10 this marriage has been at least a 9. I've talked to her sister-she told me that she as well as my wife as well as few mutual girlfriends were starting to become addicted to FB. I asked what she could possibly not want me to see and she said "c'mon Mark, girl stuff, like venting about certain things to each other etc. She then said to me "as
> much as I kno that u love my sister would u want to hear everything that you talk about when u r having a few beers with the boys? She said same principal applies here and the reason they all talk on FB is because her sisters and friends are so spread out across the country and don't have the same opportunity as I do to just meet up with the boys". She then told me that she talked to my wife and the reason she is upset is because she feels as if I don't trust her and now she cannot go back to her friends and family and do what they have been doing because I have now tainted her experience. She also said that they both agreed that they were getting crazy with it and it was becoming obsessive. I think I really messed up and maybe should have approached it in different way. She thinks I violated what she feels she earned in our marriage. Now I'm sure that what she was doing was exactly what she said- I want this foolishness to stop. Any advice on how to approach it ,tonight?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I would approach it the same way. You need to hear this explanation from your wife, and judge whether she is being truthful. Assuming she is, stay strong with the idea that her behavior of not trusting you (that is, hiding what she was doing) eroded your trust in her. That 16 years does not give either one of you a free pass to keep secrets and that you both need to work to avoid the appearance of an issue. Tell her that a simple statement of gossip conversations with her friends would have defused the situation.

Having said all of that, did you see those types of messages when you checkup on her Facebook account? If not, why? If it was because they were deleted, why did she do that?


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## Entropy3000

Angel5112 said:


> Maybe we are missing something...? Can you go over again the conversation you had with you wife about Facebook and your concerns? What was said? Did you accuse her? Did you insult her?
> 
> I guess I just don't get how she could get this;
> 
> 
> 
> That seems a little extreme unless you berated her or something...You "tainted her experience"??


Tainted Love


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## Fireplace Man

Angel5112 said:


> Maybe we are missing something...? Can you go over again the conversation you had with you wife about Facebook and your concerns? What was said? Did you accuse her? Did you insult her?
> 
> I guess I just don't get how she could get this;
> 
> 
> 
> That seems a little extreme unless you berated her or something...You "tainted her experience"??


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash.

I also still think she is doing her darndest to blameshift. And yet SHE was the one with the FB addiction.

Things that make me go hmmmmm....


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## Fireplace Man

I questioned her. That's what I did. She obviously feels that by questioning her- I had doubts or didn't trust her- I guess she is offended because she feels that she earned my trust over the years. Look I just opened her page again and there is not three people out of all her friends I don't kno. And when I looked at her posts and messages there was nothing except anything from her family & friends at remarkable short time period. If she was posting or texting or emailing or having an EA she was doing it pretty quickly around what she was doing with her friends.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SprucHub

Fireplace - Flowers and a note: I trust you but don't like secrecy. Hiding your conversations is exactly the same as whispering and then hushing up when I walk in the room, except in addition to not knowing what you were talking about, I had no clue who you were talking to. Multiply this secret whispering by 1000, that is what I was dealing with. Please see how that could drive my imagination mad!


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## Entropy3000

Fireplace Man said:


> Given this lots of thought. No change in behavior, no change in the bedroom, no change in habits, no change in anything. On a scale of 1 to 10 this marriage has been at least a 9. I've talked to her sister-she told me that she as well as my wife as well as few mutual girlfriends were starting to become addicted to FB. I asked what she could possibly not want me to see and she said "c'mon Mark, girl stuff, like venting about certain things to each other etc. She then said to me "as
> much as I kno that u love my sister would u want to hear everything that you talk about when u r having a few beers with the boys? She said same principal applies here and the reason they all talk on FB is because her sisters and friends are so spread out across the country and don't have the same opportunity as I do to just meet up with the boys". She then told me that she talked to my wife and the reason she is upset is because she feels as if I don't trust her and now she cannot go back to her friends and family and do what they have been doing because I have now tainted her experience. She also said that they both agreed that they were getting crazy with it and it was becoming obsessive. I think I really messed up and maybe should have approached it in different way. She thinks I violated what she feels she earned in our marriage. Now I'm sure that what she was doing was exactly what she said- I want this foolishness to stop. Any advice on how to approach it ,tonight?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ok, I am throwing the challenge flag. Yes it is subjective. You are saying that your marriage is at least a 9 right now. Wow. If this is truly a 9 then we need to know what is going on with her because most folks would love a 9. From your explanation she has been hiding things and spending most of her time on FB. 9? Ok fine but she is having an EA at least with someone. 

Anyway, what you have described seems much more that her friends being obsessed with facebook. I think you are being gaslighted big time.


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## Tall Average Guy

Fireplace Man said:


> I questioned her. That's what I did. She obviously feels that by questioning her- I had doubts or didn't trust her- I guess she is offended because she feels that she earned my trust over the years. Look I just opened her page again and there is not three people out of all her friends I don't kno. And when I looked at her posts and messages there was nothing except anything from her family & friends at remarkable short time period. If she was posting or texting or emailing or having an EA she was doing it pretty quickly around what she was doing with her friends.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So how many "awful" things about you and her friends' husbands did you see on these message and chats? Anything to support the idea that she was involved in girl talk and embarassed to have you see it?


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## Unsure in Seattle

Look, she asked you what was wrong and you voiced a concern. She was the one that flipped out about it. You need to turn it back on her- she WAY overreacted... and she needs to see that her reaction to your concern was over the top, and, frankly kind of suspicious.


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## A Bit Much

And you do realize that people can have MULTIPLE FB accounts don't you??


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## sigma1299

I ask again - why oh why is she acting guilty if she's not??

You know she can neglect your marriage by being addicted to chatting on facebook with anyone right? Doesn't have to be another guy - it's a different animal if that's the case but it still makes her the one neglecting her real life husband for a keyboard and a monitor. 

You tainted her experience?!?!?!? Ph..leezzzzze. She needs to grow up.


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## Entropy3000

Fireplace Man said:


> I questioned her. That's what I did. She obviously feels that by questioning her- I had doubts or didn't trust her- I guess she is offended because she feels that she earned my trust over the years. *Look I just opened her page again and there is not three people out of all her friends I don't kno.* And when I looked at her posts and messages there was nothing except anything from her family & friends at remarkable short time period. If she was posting or texting or emailing or having an EA she was doing it pretty quickly around what she was doing with her friends.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What does the keylogger show? 

I am not understanding the point "Look I just opened her page again and there is not three people out of all her friends I don't kno." 

I think we are indicating that she is having an EA with someone. One person usually. Also it is not uncommon to have an EA with someone who both parties do know so basically ... so what?

Hey, you know if you are happy right now then go with it.

You know we see this a lot on TAM. A poster lays out a situation which seems pretty extreme. So the TAM folks start advising. At some point the poster comes back and starts defending their seeminginly WS. Then much of what was layed out is down played and / or minimized.

That said, either you guys believe in transparency or you do not. It sounds like your wife is hiding something and is going to hide things from you. So you can either monitor as has been suggested or you can inform her that this secrecy is unacceptable you. Her response is nothing more than a facade. If she has so much to vent and delete about you then you do not have a 9 marriage. She should be spending time talking to you about her marriage and not her friends / relatives.


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## sigma1299

Fireplace Man said:


> I think I really messed up and maybe should have approached it in different way. She thinks I violated what she feels she earned in our marriage. Now I'm sure that what she was doing was exactly what she said- I want this foolishness to stop. Any advice on how to approach it ,tonight?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You realize you are about to let her totally back you down for doing nothing other than calling suspicious behavior exactly that right? 

Do not forget that her behavior - regardless of what you believe was really happening - is what got her this. The closing of the computer, the logging off - that's suspicious and you responded as any half way observant and reasonable person would. She's the one the flew off the handle, and now she's got you so turned around and on the defensive you're about to go back to her with your hat in your hand and say, "sorry dear??" 

If you want this to stop walk in, stand up straight, tell her to get the hell over being offended and stop being stupid. If she protest tell her if she won't act guilty you won't treat her that way. Then go show her why she loves you.


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## Mavash.

How can the marriage be a 9 when she was on FB every 15 minutes?


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## TRy

Fireplace Man said:


> I questioned her. That's what I did. She obviously feels that by questioning her- I had doubts or didn't trust her- I guess she is offended because she feels that she earned my trust over the years. Look I just opened her page again and there is not three people out of all her friends I don't kno. And when I looked at her posts and messages there was nothing except anything from her family & friends at remarkable short time period. If she was posting or texting or emailing or having an EA she was doing it pretty quickly around what she was doing with her friends.


Below is what you told us you said to her when you questioned her FB usage.


Fireplace Man said:


> Last night after the usual trips to computer room- she came out and said "is everything ok, u seem like there is something on your mind." Maybe I was wearing my emotions on my sleeve. I took the opportunity and said " now that u mention it there is something". I explained to her that her constant trips to FB were giving me concern- even more so because it was obvious that whatever she was doing it was clear that she didn't want me to be part of.


 You did not say that she did anything that she did not do. You did not make any accusations. She asked if something was bothering you and you told her the truth. You have been a trusting husband for 16 years, you have earned the right to say when something is bothering you. You have a right to have feelings and your feelings were reasonable, her over reaction is not. Do not back down. You have done nothing wrong.


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## Lydia

Even if you put aside the possibility of affair....

How she has reacted is disrespectful to you and your feelings. You have a right to address your feelings. When you confronted her about her FB issue, she should have sat down with you and showed you her FB and made sure it was clear that nothing was going on. 

It sounds like she values her feelings more than yours. You have a right to ask your partner things like that.


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## TRy

Lydia said:


> Even if you put aside the possibility of affair....
> 
> How she has reacted is disrespectful to you and your feelings. You have a right to address your feelings. When you confronted her about her FB issue, she should have sat down with you and showed you her FB and made sure it was clear that nothing was going on.
> 
> It sounds like she values her feelings more than yours. You have a right to ask your partner things like that.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::smthumbup:
@OP: why are you surprised that your wife' sister would be taking her side in this? It was a set-up call. Rather than talking to her sister about this, she should have been talking to you, which she has not. You have done nothing wrong. If you back down you will regret it, as you will no longer be able to speak up when she does something like this again.


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## Gratitude

Woah everybody ... 

To Fireplace Man - at this point you actually have no evidence she is cheating. So explain to her that it's not that after 16 years of marriage you don't trust her, it's that she was acting in a way that sent warning bells off in your head. Completely normal. Everybody would react the same way.

She is being stubborn and expecting you to apologise. You must not do this. You have voiced your concerns, and she handled it wrong. Doesn't she trust YOU enough to sit down and talk about what was going on and be honest.

Seriously, there have been times I have been texting a girlfriend and my husband looks over my shoulder and I pull away and he gets upset. Then I show him. But the reaction isn't because I'm guilty, it's because it's private between me and her, he can read it if he wants but it was her thoughts only shared with me.

Facebook is addictive. She handled it badly when confronted. You got suspicious. You believe there is nothing - so talk to her. Get it all out. She's not acting very mature avoiding you and making you feel like you have to talk to her family about the problems and you can't even approach her.

If you feel you need to investigate further, then do it.

But if you think she is being honest, then trust your wife. You don't need people here to tell you she is or she isn't cheating. Everybody has different advice, from different experiences.

We are not in your marriage. You are. She is talking on facebook and you are talking to us (which is great and I hope it helps you). But now is the time to put the computer down, and go and talk to each other.


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## CandieGirl

A Bit Much said:


> Does she work outside the home? She may not be on FB at home, but she could be doing it elsewhere. Smartphone even.
> 
> I think it's very strange she reacted the way she did to you voicing concern, and that the first thing she said was "can't believe that u would even question me after 16 yrs." It's weird. You weren't even questioning her about her talking to another man, you didn't question her at all, you just stated her FB time was excessive.
> 
> I think she gave something away when she said that. And then she tried to manipulate the situation and you by not speaking to you for 2 days, thinking maybe you'd grovel and apologize for suspecting her. Someone that gets that 'upset' or emotional over a simple concern has something nefarious going on.


I had a girlfriend who used to say to her husband "I can't believe you would even think that after XX years...". Actually, she was having an affair.


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## A Bit Much

> I had a girlfriend who used to say to her husband "I can't believe you would even think that after XX years...". Actually, she was having an affair.


Deflection.

Let's take the focus off ME and let's focus on you instead because I'm not ready to stop doing what I'm doing. 

What's done in the dark always comes to the light. It may take a while, but it always comes out. Either you sit and wait for it, or you take a proactive stance and start digging. You're going to find what you're looking for 9 out of 10 times.


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## lordmayhem

OMG. Yet another facebook-fueled affair just like my fWWs. 

Same red flags. Your gut is screaming at you, and it's rarely wrong in this type of situation. There IS an OM, most likely a coworker, old college boyfriend, old high school boyfriend, or a former lover. And then this is the way it progresses:



F-102 said:


> It may have gone something like this:
> 
> They first start catching up, and it's all "How you been doing? What have you been up to?"
> 
> Then it would have morphed into talk about:
> 
> What they've been doing since they parted
> Their significant others since they parted
> Their families
> Their favorite music, movies, etc.
> Their spouses
> You
> Your job
> How your job keeps you away
> How lonely she gets when you're away
> How she looks forward to their conversations all the time now
> How she loves talking to him
> How she gets "bored" talking to you
> How you don't always listen
> How you're not "perfect"
> How you can be so insensitive sometimes
> How she wonders if she would have stayed with him
> How he understands her
> How he knows how to make her feel good
> How you fail at this
> How you are such an a**hole
> How she feels young again
> How she hasn't felt this happy with you in so long
> How he's a better man than you'll ever be
> How she wants to see him again
> How they can meet under the radar
> How she's thought of leaving you
> How she ever could have fallen for a jerk like you
> How he's her soul mate
> How she made a big mistake leaving him
> How she made an even bigger mistake marrying you
> How they were meant to be together...
> 
> ...get the picture?


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## workitout

:iagree:

I'm fairly certain that's how things played out for my STBXW.


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## Caligyrl

I've said all along, she does not need that laptop to keep on keepin' on.


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## TRy

Looks like the OP is being gaslighted into second guessing himself and he bought into it. Not sure that he will be coming back.


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## Caligyrl

You're probably right. He'll be back when it falls apart again tho. Unless they can root out the issues and get rid of it they will surface again.


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## Paulination

Well I'm happy to say that I have been monitoring my wifes facebook usage daily (not happy at monitoring, happy to not find anything) for three weeks now and theres nothing. I knew a PA was highly unlikely due to logistics but much less confident that an EA wasn't occuring. The program I used actually takes screen shots so there is no chance that she could be having, then erasing conversations.

The one guy I thought might be the biggest threat actually is quite respectful of our marriage and often checks with her to make sure he isn't crossing some boundary with me in his talking with her.

I did see one guy trying to bait her into an inapropriate conversation and she shot it down quick. He was talking about how it was his birthday and what she is going to give him. She said she'll dedicate her soccer win on sunday (his birthday) basically saying "we'll get a win for ya". You could tell he was not impressed so he pushed her for more like letting him tickle her and she says "no, thanks". So he posts a sad face and she says "don't know what to tell ya". After a little more small talk he writes "nite, hon" and she writes "adios". I was proud of how she handled it.

The ironic thing is the only conversation she has had about o0ur relationship issues occured just three hours after I installed the program. She was venting to a friend about us in a pretty mean way that was hurtful, but I had to put it in the context of her having a private conversation and how all of us paint things in a way to get support.

She had a follow up chat with this person the next day that was much less toxic and very brief. Then nothing more on the subject to anyone. I found out her FB login and went through all of her conversations with this friend and those two IM interactions were it. It just amazes me at the timing. If I waited one day I would have missed it.


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## Paulination

Paulination said:


> I did see one guy trying to bait her into an inapropriate conversation and she shot it down quick. He was talking about how it was his birthday and what she is going to give him. She said she'll dedicate her soccer win on sunday (his birthday) basically saying "we'll get a win for ya". You could tell he was not impressed so he pushed her for more like letting him tickle her and she says "no, thanks". So he posts a sad face and she says "don't know what to tell ya". After a little more small talk he writes "nite, hon" and she writes "adios". I was proud of how she handled it.


Haha! She went on facebook today and immediately set this guy to "do not see" so he wouldn't know she was online.


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## KWbuilder

I personally hold FB responsible for the downfall of our marriage. Currently going through dissolution that will be final later this month. It seemed like it wasn't very long after she joined things started to fade. Our lives have always been very stressful as we have 2 special needs boys so needless to say we dont get out as much as we would like. I think she has seen on FB all the running and partying her friends are able to do now because there kids are either grown and gone or can take care of themselves now, and I think that is what she wants and has decided to leave. She says she wants a better life for "both" of us. She swears there is nobody else but I really have to wonder sometimes. I just checked out cell account and have found she is texting all the time. I know she has a lot of friends and does some texting for work but I have found her and my best friend have been texting A LOT lately. We have all always been very close friends but I find this to be kind of weird. Especially since he rarely ever contacts me anymore.


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## desert-rose

Fireplace Man said:


> She then told me that she talked to my wife and the reason she is upset is because she feels as if I don't trust her and now she cannot go back to her friends and family and do what they have been doing because I have now tainted her experience. She also said that they both agreed that they were getting crazy with it and it was becoming obsessive. I think I really messed up and maybe should have approached it in different way. She thinks I violated what she feels she earned in our marriage.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm sorry that I'm going to say something you won't like hearing. This is not the response of an innocent person. This is the response of a person who is trying to present an appearance of integrity, that of someone with a guilty conscience. Whenever someone says "How dare you doubt me!?" in what is otherwise a pretty normal situation, you should be worried that something isn't right. You didn't accuse her of having an affair, just raised an issue. If nothing was the matter, she would have tried to explain to you why you have nothing to worry about, not become indignant and self-righteous.

"Methinks, the lady doth protest too much."

I'm not saying she is having a full on affair, but something is going on and she is keeping something from you that she wants to protect. It could be doubts about your marriage, it could be something about herself that she isn't sure of, it could be just a crush she has on someone that she doesn't want to admit (girl talk that you wouldn't want to hear). The problem isn't that. The problem is that she isn't putting your marriage first and that she is trying to blame-shift, gas-light, and misdirect you instead of getting to the root of the problem or working it out with you. She is withdrawing and protecting herself as a unit and she is not working in favor of fixing the marriage. 

I would suggest that you not give up on this issue, that you remain vigilant, and do not rug-sweep it. Don't keep fighting her on it. Let it go. But keep an eye out and be vigilant. Something is definitely going on whether or not it is an affair; it is something that isn't helping strengthen your marriage and it's a communication and secrecy issue.


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## Cyber Cheating Stinks

When you log onto your wife's account, immediately go to her chat box and log off. Then her friends will not detect you. I caught my husband having multiple cyber affairs, and trying to hook up and meet. They were all women he knew from work or previously (before we were married). He was also talking smack about me (messaging) to multiple friends. It really hurt. I suspected him when he would stay up to all hours texting this one woman, and when I would come downstairs he would minimize the texts so I could not see who he was talking to. One day he left his Facebook page open, and I read and printed it all out. I confronted him. All he could say for himself was, "I am sorry you had to see that.." We have since rectified that even if you are not having a physical relationship with someone, it is still an affair. EMOTIONALLY INVOLVED AFFAIR = EMOTIONALLY DETACHED MARRIAGE. I have not had any intimacy or attention from him for four years now. It all went to other women, while I took care of our house and children. We are working on it, but I highly recommend webwatcherdata.com to moniter her, secretly. I have since seen many women begging for his attention, and he has been good. Let's me know who the enemy is, and I wind up at parties sitting right next to these ladies. It all just hurts.


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## Cyber Cheating Stinks

Thinking that you can confront a cheater and they will come clean did not work for me. Luckily, I had EA printed out proof. And it was quickly escalating to PA, with him pushing and pushing to get together. When confronted he denied, denied, denied. Long before I had the proof, I suspected. I would ask, "Are you cheating on me?" and he would laugh at me, tell me I was silly. He told me, "I will tell you if you have something to worry about." Then he would text multiple women about the sex dreams he had about them. When could they get together? They were equally baiting him. All in my house. Where I trusted him. With our kids. When confronted WITH the printouts he just said that it was never going to amount to sex, so it was all okay. We are working on that. We are seeing a marriage counselor today, our first visit. I will see.


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## Bottled Up

Cyber, this post has been dead for 3 months and the OP is long gone.

Just sayin'...


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## Caligyrl

Bottled Up said:


> Cyber, this post has been dead for 3 months and the OP is long gone.
> 
> Just sayin'...


Maybe Cyber needs to talk....if so, please start up a new thread.


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## Cyber Cheating Stinks

Bottled Up said:


> Cyber, this post has been dead for 3 months and the OP is long gone.
> 
> Just sayin'...


I just found this page and felt connected. Thanks for the "Heads-Up", Bottled Up.


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## Cyber Cheating Stinks

Caligyrl said:


> Maybe Cyber needs to talk....if so, please start up a new thread.


Thank you, Cali Girl. I really do need to talk. I am not sure how to start up a new thread. I am new to this. I am so comforted that I am not alone, and am so happy to find this group!


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## anchorwatch

CCS, pick a forum and click on thread tools. You'll see the menu there to start your thread.


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## Caligyrl

Cyber Cheating Stinks said:


> I just found this page and felt connected. Thanks for the "Heads-Up", Bottled Up.


That's why we are here Cyber...these folks have helped me a LOT!


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## anonim

tacoma said:


> Dude, your wife is hiding something from you.
> 
> It doesn't matter if it's an online EA or her *****ing about you to her friends and family/
> Either way it's totally innappropriate and has to stop.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


no, he's hiding something from himself.


----------

