# The end of Road (Civil Partnership down the swannie)



## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

Hello everyone and having found this fantastic website last weekend i thought I'd share my tale of misery and how I'm starting to move my life forward. My story is a tad different in that I'm in a Civil Partnership with my STBXH.

I met D back in 2002 and he was my second long term relationship but having had my heart broken back in 2000, I really wasn't looking for a relationship, but cupid never gives you warning! We moved on and on the 7th July 2007 under UK Law we entered into Civil Partnership. Over the years there were plenty of problems- mostly involving my STBXH being totally stupid with money and wanting to have the fantastic successful "Gay Image". New car? Not a problem- as I would pick the bill up - or he wouldn't pay and then ignore the debt letters finally leading to the car being taken away.

Back in 2009 I was told by my GP that I was clinically depressed and this led to us breaking up for a about a month (as part of his arrangements- he insisted that I pay for marriage councilling which he never attended after the 1st session). To be fair we moved to the countryside and it did improve the relationship. 

In 2011, after years of drifting from job to job- he took over a pub which at first paid well and kept up with my modest earnings. But then the normal pattern returned- he was not paying bills at the pub, getting into a dreadful pickle, so guess who picked up the pieces from this via my wages each month??

He started getting friendly with a mutual friend in December 2012 and became very very defensive towards this lad (my STBXH is 40, this lad is 22)- and I did warn him that things weren't looking healthy again, to which he said that I was making something out of nothing. At this point even mutual friends were calling him "Camilla" (think Prince Charles and Di for our American friends).

In February I came down stairs to find the pair of them fully clothed on the sofa cuddling together, both drunk at 6am. I'll admit I lost my temper and I slapped my husband. He fell into a baby gate which we have to stop the dogs going upstairs). We talked later when again I was told nothing was going on and that I was reading to much into it.

By now the relationship was really rocky, he was staying out all hours taking drugs (coke and speed) and drink driving on a nightly basis - how the hell he never got caught I just don't know. 

Anyway- to the split in my next piece


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

So the split day was 13th March.

He called me at home saying that he wanted to talk. He came home- sat on the sofa and gave me the ILUBINILWU speech. He said that he wanted to have a relationship with this bloo*y lad and that if it didn't work out he'll come back.

I have to admit- I stormed out of the house and got rip roaringly drunk. Came home and cried and did the begging and pleading bit over the next few days.

As where are we now? Honestly it's hard- really hard. It turns out now there have been numerous affairs which I never knew about- he spent 2 weeks telling me that he never slept with the lad before we split, but of course guess whats happened since..... yup they're together- totally in the Fog.

I discovered that the gas, electric and water bills hadn't been paid for a year and they were on the point of being cut off. All the post is debts for him- clothing, pay day loans. 

Last weekend I flipped- big style. I messaged him on Facebook calling him every name under the sun. The next website I found following that was this one. Since last weekend I've only contacted him twice. The only reason I've been emailling him was that I cannot afford to live in this house and trying to find a rental home which takes 2 dogs is near on impossible. But by luck I've found a house which I can afford and take my dogs with me. So some of his stuff is still here after 6 weeks.

So I'm trying to do the 180, whilst inwardly going between white rage and anger and total tears. My self esteem is shot. My friends are doing their best- saying that I'm better off without, but would I take him back? I think not, but there's that glimmer which won't disappear!

On the real plus side- I've lost 2 stone in weight and joined a gym and getting really good comments from friends!

Off out tonight for a few beers with some good mates. 

But the point remains- was I totally stupid and was it going on long before I was told?


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

I'm sorry, I know this all sucks, but this...



philglossop said:


> He said that he wanted to have a relationship with this bloo*y lad *and that if it didn't work out he'll come back.*


:rofl: :lol: 

Translation: "I'm really in love with you, and I'm going to cheat on you... But don't worry, because I'm still keeping you around as Plan B."

:bsflag: :tool:

Ditch him.


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

I know- but gawd this is hard. Trying hard to keep strong. 

Had an email from him this afternoon- I think I struck the right tone in my response

From him "I will move the rest one morning this week, Thank you for the tumble dryer that will be useful so long as you don't need it.

Hope your well,"

My response was

I have no need for tumble dryer.

Will pack up the rest ready for your collection including some pictures which I don't wish to have in my future life, old PC tower etc.

Please do not respond with personal comments- this is not your concern.

I get the feeling and knowing him- this is going to run and run.....


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

First off, it doen't matter if its marriage, civil, straight or gay. Feelings and emotions do not rely on a piece of paper or a label, don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

It's really not a tad different.

Liek so many that are betrayed, you have an ******* spouse who thinks they can do wtf they want and keep you there looking pretty for when they are bored.

Do yourself a favour, detach detach detach.

I suspect you are right, it will run and run.. but only if you let it. Go 180, go dark.

Next, it sounds a little like you are trying to justify why he is like he is? So what if you slapped him, he deserved that and more imo.

You cannot own any of his shyt, only your own. 

Sorry your here but, having reached the place you have here is a great place to be.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I'm very sorry this has happened to you.

Have you tried the 180 (it's referenced on the forum)? I think it will help you detach. And move on.


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

Trying to use the 180 big style.

Interesting night out- bumped into loads of olde friends- but the evil of Facebook is coming through, turns out STBXH is boasting about how he's having a lovely time with new BF. Which didn't sit too well when I heard it.

Oh and I've heard the EA started in December (BF is boasting about it to friends of friends). Luckily I didn't have any money for the cab home- so thanks to white hot anger- power walked home the hilly 5 miles in an hour after 5 pints!

Just feeling like a complete Muppet now. Time to go totally dark on him. Forever.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Cant like that enough. I think he has serious issues.

You will need to harden your heart, I suspect if you don't one day he will come back saying its you he wants, but it will be total bs. You need to detach and be strong enough to say no should that happen.

Block him on facebook, like yesterday. If friends bring up what he's posting on there tell him you don't want to know.

Oh and if you are where I think you are, its nice but damn some of hills.. after drinking, no ta haha.

You've started well. Stay strong.


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

Well well well. 

I did a little digging last night- and it didn't take long for the information to come flying out the woodwork.

I logged onto a dating site and there surprise surprise TSBXH was. Having professed to having a lovely new boyfriend on FB yesterday morning, there he was bold as brass looking for a quick hook up at 3am this morning!

This actually puts a grin on my face- what a sleaze bag!


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

philglossop said:


> but the evil of Facebook is coming through, turns out STBXH is boasting about how he's having a lovely time with new BF. Which didn't sit too well when I heard it.
> 
> Oh and I've heard the EA started in December (BF is boasting about it to friends of friends). Luckily I didn't have any money for the cab home- so thanks to white hot anger- power walked home the hilly 5 miles in an hour after 5 pints!
> 
> Just feeling like a complete Muppet now.


You would think that the worse they behave the easier it would be to let go. My experience is that that is not the case. In fact, it just makes you feel even more of a fool for continuing to harbour any feelings for them at all. But that's normal and natural. You're not being a muppet, you're being someone who was honourable and was committed to the relationship. The fact that you were betrayed says everything about him, nothing about you. Hold your head up high.


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

A good day with a couple of wobbles.

Was chatting to a mutual friend who lives on Jersey- who happened to mention STBXH displaying a picture on FB of him and OM. Missile straight to heart but got over it. Friend couldn't believe the arrogance of STBXH over the last 7 weeks.

Walked into town to the gym and then pounded like mad to get rid of stress.

In a few weeks I'm moving to a new house, as on my own I can't afford this one so sorted out STBXH stuff out in the back "junk" room. Of course came across all the Civil Partnership photos and cards and wishes of a happy life together forever. Had a cry for while...then put them all in a black bin liner having torn them all up.

Oddly now feeling much calmer since doing that. There was a lingering moment when I thought- should I offer them to him for keeping, then remembered this place and the support and just started tearing!

Weekends are always the hardest- wonder why? :scratchhead::scratchhead:


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Is that when you spent time together?

Morning were the worst for me, not having stbx there when I woke up. Waking up in a single bed sucks. A program we used to watch together.

Yeah certain times of day are harder than others.

Take some pride in how your handling it though, many of us wash up to TAM coping much worst initially. Doesn't mean you're feeling less pain, just handling it better.

So long as you want it to, it does get easier.


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

philglossop said:


> A good day with a couple of wobbles.


Just remember... Weebles wobble, but they don't fall down.


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

Gawd I hate this rollercoaster. Fine, then down, upbeat then depressed.

STBXH is coming tomorrow to collect his stuff. I work with his brother (who has been ok with the situation with regards to me)- who confirmed that would be the case. 

So after tomorrow- it's really over. It's almost been like he wouldn't move out to keep his options open. But I guess I forced it (in a good way)- would you believe the sticking point after nearly 7 weeks apart was a flipping dishwasher!!

Actually starting crying at the gym thinking about this earlier the gym instructor came over thinking I'd hurt myself- which did cheer me up a tad.

Paid off the final joint debt today to South West Water- £694.12- to remove a CCJ (couldn't split the bill as they couldn't guarantee STBXH would pay his half!). So also now debt free!

As the goes "LIFEGOESON...you've got more money than sense my friend, you've got heart"


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

Just blown my top online. My latest Facebook status.

that's it.....

It's time to lay cards on the table.

7 weeks ago, my husband came home and gave me I love you but I'm not in love with you speech. Since those early days, i have tried (as most people know) to keep a silence on matters- despite being fed rubbish and lies and promises from Darren. I have paid off his debts so I can move house and not affect my credit rating, I have seen Darren cruising for sex on gay websites (have screen shots to prove that) having professed undying love for his my boyfriend not a few hours earlier on here, I have heard him lie about how well his pub is doing. Whilst gently and quietly trying to get on with my life and mend my life back together. Talk about total mug.

What REALLY gets my goat, is that I'm still stuck with his stuff here in my lounge this evening. So now he can add lying to his brother about moving stuff out today. All talk, no action. As my lawyer called it...mental cruelty.

I'm worth more than any of this ****. It's over Darren- get your bloody stuff out and take your lies somewhere where you think you're important. And trust me, it's not on my f**king doorstep.


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## mrtickle (Jan 29, 2013)

Sorry you are here mate. Sounds like you are well rid of him to be honest. He clearly wants to live the single life (young boyfriends, random hookups) without the commitment of a long term relationship. Let him go. It sounds like he is so poor with money that he will come unstuck very quickly and will look for another person to provide the financial safety net that you have done. Just don't be that person.

Stay strong. There are many threads on TAM which deal with similar issues within relationships where you should be able to draw a great deal of strength from.


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

Quick update time.

Ended in a blazing row on Tuesday night and Wednesday morning. He then came around and we talked for 2 hours- during which I said sorry for not working harder on the marriage. He's so in the damn fog it's sickening. 

He then promised that he'd collect his stuff. But guess what? Friday morning now and it's still here.......... I actually have a dishwasher in the middle of the lounge!

I'm being played like a fiddle. Time to make it stop.


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## Northern Monkey (May 2, 2013)

We get treated the way we let people treat us. Manning the F is hard work when your so used to folding. Your doing well but stop engaging with him.


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

Phew that was a Friday and a half!

So basically last night I got really really depressed about having the mess left in my lounge by the STBXH.

So I took the bull by the horns. I rang him this morning saying that I was having a dinner party tomorrow and he needed to collect the stuff here. This was a lie. But it worked.

He said he'd be around at 5pm. Now I was starting to get really down about actually having him move his stuff out (ie this really is it thoughts).But at 510pm he turned up.

Now the really nice part. Just before he turned up, a friend who I've not really seen for years rang out of the blue and asked if I fancied going to see "Priscilla Queen of the Desert The Musical" over in Torquay- some 40km away. And they were front row tickets. So I snapped his hand off.

End result- STBXH turned up, I was cold as hell, basically moved his stuff out to the pavement and wouldn't even kiss him goodbye and cut short the talking by saying- I need to get ready for my date. Then went off- met mate saw a fantastic show, went for a couple of pints in the gay pub in Torquay had a total laugh, met some lovely people and blast then came home.

And you know what........

I only missed him thinking that his best mate would have liked the show. I'm healing guys.


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## Northern Monkey (May 2, 2013)

Great stuff. Keep it going.

Tha aim should be indifference as opposed to coldness,but with how big an ass he is being, your on the right track for sure.


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

So that's the end of it. The final parts of his life have been collected and moved out just now. When he asked me why I was being so cold I said- 5 weeks ago you said you wanted no emotional attachment towards me. I'm now at that point. He said I though we were friends. I responded with we'll see.

Now I can go properly dark on him. Feeling upset, but I'm so much stronger than I thought I was. Lets fill the sadness with new laughter and new experiences.


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## Northern Monkey (May 2, 2013)

He fired your ass. Why be friends?


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

Northern Monkey said:


> He fired your ass. Why be friends?


That's exactly how I feel.

Just going into town- for 5 years I've had my civil partnership date tattoo'd on my shoulder. I think it's time for it to go.


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## Northern Monkey (May 2, 2013)

Good.

There is no reason for you to be friends. Any reason he has for wanting to, is selfish and for him.

He doesn't want to be your friend, friends don't trample on each other.

He wants to assuage his guilt or keep you hooked as a backup for after he has had his fun or need a safe shoulder to cry on.

You could have made a hundred mistakes in your relationship, wouldn't matter, you'd still deserve better than that.

I really think you should go dark on him now. No contact, no seeing what he's up to.


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## mrtickle (Jan 29, 2013)

Phil. Sounds like you have coped and dealt with all of this remarkably well. Kudos to you.


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

Well here I am crying to a TV theme song. But the words are making me cry about thinking about where I am now and where I'm heading.

Just look up the theme to The Littlest Hobo on youtube and listen to the words....

"Where new adventures lie just around the bend."


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

I'm angry today.

I f**king hate you. I hate that you lied to me for [email protected]@king years, that you cheated on me numerous times. I hate that you sold my car to pay for your [email protected]@@dy new pub. That you come around into my house to collect your stuff and rabbit on about your new BF- and wonder why I'm not f**king interested.

I hate that I wake up and think of you, I hate that you want us to be friends playing me for fiddle. You're a worthless piece of s**t who couldn't tell me the truth if it sat up and bit you in face.

Good luck with your new BF whilst you're both cruising separately for meaningless hook ups- your relationship is really going to be strong in the long term isn't it.

I hate how you have lied about helping with our animals. They didn't deserve any of this you narcissistic t**t- but you expect me to cover and pay for their wellbeing don't you.

I'm worth 1000% better than you, you failing human being and a pathetic excuse of man. F88k off and do one from a great height.


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## soca70 (Oct 30, 2012)

Phil-

Sorry you are here. Check out this book "Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends" by Bruce Fisher. I found it very helpful and wish I had found it sooner in the process.


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

So I moped around most of the morning- feeling sorry for myself.

Then I released, I'm moving in a few weeks- from a miserable Victorian Terrace to a new build and I needed to downsize my belongings.

So have bought loads of storage boxes and packed a lot of stuff up for move. Came across a few old photos of me and STBXH- including 1 taken exactly a year ago in Gran Caneria. Had a cry before ripping said photo into little pieces.

It was very therapeutic- decluttering- just got 15 bin bags of rubbish to take to the tip tomorrow. I've been brutal- even got rid of old clothes with memories, and they will be recycled at the local charity shop. I've even tackled that most scary of places- the junk drawer! 

I've also worked out, that I've not been kind to myself over the last couple of weeks- although I've trying to move on, I must stop putting pressure on myself (just because STBXH has new partner doesn't mean I need a new one). Equally, I've been rather bitter about it all- when in truth all I need to do is chill, relax and go with the punches good and bad from here on in.

Let's pick myself up Phil. Sometimes the darkest hour is just before the dawn.


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

Been awake half the night. But come to the crossroads.

It's time to call in the lawyers.


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

Any advice needed guys.

Basically STBXH can claim half my local government pension here in the UK. I've been paying in for 8 years but half is half.

Financially he can also apply for maintenance order which on a basic salary of £17k will be also minimal and should not be generally entertained by the courts.

However on his pub I can also counterclaim maintenance from the profits of the old pub through to the new one and "good will" future payments of said business which because it's marketed as a gay pub is a specific field and will grow accordingly.

Or we can try mediation. 

Or just go for the simple quick one where I pay and name new BF and I walk away with pension intact.

What would you do? 

This is my "phone a friend" moment!


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## mrtickle (Jan 29, 2013)

philglossop said:


> Any advice needed guys.
> 
> Basically STBXH can claim half my local government pension here in the UK. I've been paying in for 8 years but half is half.
> 
> ...


If civil partnerships are anything like regular marriages in UK law, then naming the OM and citing adultery (or equivalent) won't have any bearing on the financial outcome.

If he runs a pub as a business then he wouldn't have any claim for maintenance, so don't worry about that.

Not sure about you claiming 'maintenance' out of the profit of the pub. Not sure how that would work. Is the business in his name? If so, the hassle factor of pursuing that may be too much.

Don't forget that if you go down this route then you will end up paying many thousands in court costs. Is it worth it?

I would imagine most courts would order a clean-break split anyway, so you take what was yours at the start of the relationship, and any joint owned assets are divided 50/50. It's easy with mortgages/loans but stuff like furniture would need negotiation between yourselves to sort out. If you really can't, then legal mediation.

As for the pension, I would probably suggest leaving it be and perhaps explain that you won't push him for any profits from the pub (if you are indeed entitled) in return. If you don't agree this, you could point out that it would cost HIM many thousands of pounds as well as you in legal/court costs. Hopefully common sense will prevail.

I've agreed with my STBXW to not touch each others pensions for this reason. It's too much hassle.


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

Thanks Mr T- good advice.

At the request of lawyer had to phone STBXH and inform him of the options. Going for option C (ie quickly as possible), but with the threat of Option B if he wishes to get funny.

I think I've caught off guard this morning mind. I could tell from the tone in the voice he doesn't want this (hence why it took so long from him to move out and not start the D sooner)- I'm guessing that I really was Plan B. It was almost as if the fog was lifted for a short time and he saw the real world for the first time in 2 months.

The problem for him (I think) is that the Phil talking to him wasn't the same person he left 2 months ago. To justify his fog coming back down he whined that he hadn't loved me for 2 years. To which I responded that was his opinion and it held no water or weight with me now.

Off to see lawyer later this afternoon and order a copy of marriage certificate- to get the ball rolling.


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

So what now?

Formally completed the paperwork- heard 11 years of my life destroyed into legalise by lawyer over 2 hours- heard that the count of physical abuse could go against me (he fell into a baby gate whilst off his face on Coke)- so I took the Mr Nice Guy route.

Didn't name the BF as corespondent, didn't claim for the pub, just simply called it total breakdown with him in new relationship with BF.

And now how do I feel? Total and utter s**t. However said D was easy was lying. It's a brutal, nasty evil legalise thing which unless you are in the lawyers club is a piece of cake.

Not rock bottom, but by god close to it after today.


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

OMG.

So after the day from hell- what's he doing?

Cruising online for quick hook up.

Can't stop laughing.


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

Oh God

He's rung my M+D

Called them every name under the sun. I'm totally in the wrong. They are in his words scum. 

Now fight or 180?


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

Answer to the above.

Fight. Like I've never fought before. Whilst doing the 180.

Let's see where the law takes me on Option B


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## Northern Monkey (May 2, 2013)

180 all the way. If you can avoid ever speaking directly to him, do so.

He is showing his true self, just be glad to be out of it.

As for options, I would choose the one that is best for you, kind of sounds like that is quick, simple and keep pension but thats for you to decide. If he wants a fight, put it in the hands of your legal reps. Thats what you pay em for afterall.


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## mrtickle (Jan 29, 2013)

Northern Monkey said:


> 180 all the way. If you can avoid ever speaking directly to him, do so.
> 
> He is showing his true self, just be glad to be out of it.
> 
> As for options, I would choose the one that is best for you, kind of sounds like that is quick, simple and keep pension but thats for you to decide. If he wants a fight, put it in the hands of your legal reps. Thats what you pay em for afterall.


Agree 100%. This requires a 180 immediately.

Don't look back. You are a million times better off without him.


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

Well today's a day not to be forgotten.

Woke up at silly o'clock and found myself physically shaking in a manner that I've never had before. I thought at first it was a reaction to last evening, but then got really really down. To the point that I wanted the pain to end completely. So out came the tablets.

Then I rang for a taxi and took myself off to A+E where the Doctors were very very concerned about my mental well-being. It looked at one point that they were going to section me under the Mental Health Act, but following blood tests and talking things over with 3 trained Cllr's, they have told me that I'm suffering from extreme stress, anxiety, loss and acute depression.

This is obviously down to the filing of the D papers, hearing my STBXH partying about the end of the partnership and having to move house with 4 animals (whilst holding down a full time job!)

So I'm going to have to talk to my GP about my antidepressants and they've recommended urgent counselling to help me through this period. 

Oh and yes, the 180 will now be firmly used.


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

Really nice email from a mate.

Hopefully the mods won't mind the link.

Gabrielle - Rise With Lyrics - YouTube

It's a song called Rise Again by Gabrielle.


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## Northern Monkey (May 2, 2013)

Why would they mind? Threads full of links like that in social mate.

If you need somewhere to chill away from reality.. its pretty mad in there btw!


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

Some good news.

I have secured the new house! So let the packing really commence.

Odd though- as I look around I see things that I really really don't like- even down to the coffee/tea/sugar canisters! It shows that for years, I've been putting up and shutting up with basically c**p. Hell I even hate the blue toaster! 

So new broom, new start!


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## Northern Monkey (May 2, 2013)

Be brutal in the clear out! It feels great.


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

So just back from the Courts where I've filed my D paperwork.

Fingers crossed that he doesn't start getting ar**y.


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

Friday nights are getting interesting!

Just back from my local pub where I've had a lovely evening.

Until STBXH walked in and came and stood next to me at the bar. He said "Hello Phil"- I responded with "Darren". Then went outside for a ciggie.

He talked to my mutual mate then went over to sit on the stage overlooking at me whilst I chatted to mutual friends and saw me laughing with Jambo and Mr Blair (nicknames)- whilst drinking a pint rather more quickly than I've seen him before. There was NO eye contact throughout but I could see his eyes not moving off me the total time he was there- and he must have seen the 4 of us laughing and joking the total time. Ironically the only damn song on the juke box throughout was Neil Diamond- Love on the Rocks.... haha

Funny thing was he waked out without saying goodbye.

So how do I feel. Oddly empowered. Perhaps this the break from the codependency- he's no longer important and that the 180 could be working. But sad that I can't talk to him because I know it's all going to be total bull out of his mouth.

It's a real milestone. And I'm really proud of myself to be honest!


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

Yuk- woke up with a bad stomach this morning. Part of the new brave world of dealing with it on my own.

Catching up on the new series of The Apprentice- thank goodness my life hasn't dropped to the levels of the candidates. Even Lord Sugar looks more fed up than ever!


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

Doing some serious thinking today.

In simple terms, my life has turned on its head over the last 2 months. Yes I've made the same mistakes that us all codependents make in the early days and I'm pretty certain that some of my actions would have lead to quite a few 4x2's!

But in truth? By jolly I'm stronger than I ever thought I was. When my last relationship broke up in 2000, I hid. Ran away. Went away to lick my wounds before coming back out at the end of 2001. But I made a mistake, I didn't deal with any of the problems. This lead to me meeting STBXH in early 2002- keeping all the problems kept in and then watching as the same mistakes which happened before happened again.

But this time, I'm facing them all head on. I'm not hiding. Because the next person who I meet and fall in love with will get the saner more rounded, balanced Phil.

STBXH- I'm stronger than him by a country mile. I've not lied about the process, I've set the legal separation (D) in motion. I've kept this house going by sheer hard work and kept all the animals fed and happy rather than STBXH's idea of splitting them up for his selfish needs.

He is welcome to the OM. He has told lies to me, lies to him and his actions are frankly disgusting. He will not drag me along for the ride of his new relationship. That relationship is doomed and I will not be a bystander of this fractured path. He has done nothing towards his new future which can only lead to severe unhappyness. But I won't be around to watch this battle and nor will I support.

So to sum up. New house, moving on my own with my 2 dogs and 2 cats, legal separation progressing and hopefully no more codependency.


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

Bah......

Struggling today with the NC. 

So tempted, but not going to do it.


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

Well isn't life funny?

Had two friends around for dinner today and after 4 bottles of wine over 6 hours we had the world worked out.

I'm 39 and moving into a new house in a few weeks. I'll be divorced and single again.

Mate 1 is 54 and starting a new job next week having been unemployed for a year.

Mate 2 is 66 and has just started a new relationship with someone who clearly adores him.

We're all survivors and life is turning and moving on towards better things for all of us. Hence the numerous chinking of glasses most of the afternoon and evening!

Just hope my parents don't come around tomorrow and think I've got a serious drink problem!!


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

Crips- it's 2 months since the ILUBINILWU speech.

Funny thing was I was waiting for the bus home last night and started waxing lyrical.

In Plymouth we have a department store. It was taken over by a National chain back in the 1970's, but if you look at the building closely enough you can just make out the old name "Spooners". It's faded away to next to nothing but it's there, it's part of the old building, but it's moved on as part of this national chain to better days.

Then I looked down to see my wedding finger- and surprise surprise, it's there, the mark where my ring used to sit. Like above, it's fading away but in some ways, I'll know it was there once. 

That'll teach me to have a couple of drinks after work!


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

Flat as a pancake. 

Really got the "what if's" yesterday. Guess regret is part of this process?


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## Northern Monkey (May 2, 2013)

*Re: Re: The end of Road (Civil Partnership down the swannie)*



philglossop said:


> Flat as a pancake.
> 
> Really got the "what if's" yesterday. Guess regret is part of this process?


Totally.

What if isn't a sustainable way to live though.

What if is why people live in the illusion of happiness and become emotionally dependent. If I can just het them to see/say/act right we'll be happy.

Nope, you won't. It's normal to get what if thoughts. Just realise they need kicking in the nuttsack, they aren't your friend.


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

2x4 time.

Had a really good gym session and decided to go for a pint.

Walked to the pub and saw STBXH and OM outside. All I said was "Afternoon" and walked in. Ordered my pint of B*d, and stood at the bar whilst STBXH and OM went and sat with mutual friends. 

So I went out for a ciggie. And made (now) in my mind, the wrong call. Came back in and dragged a stool over and sat at the table. I was polite and nice (2x4 time part 1) told STBXH about last week... he responded by saying "I never turned it nasty". Sat and chatted with STBXH with OM trying to chip in (he got roundly ignored).

Went out for another ciggie when STBXH and OM came out. (2x4 time part 2). Asked STBXH about seeing the dogs. He said that he'd been ordered to give the key back- I responded with that I'd never said that, he countered with I've got the emails. I gave the classic TAM That's your opinion- he started getting angry - saying that he'd use them, again I used the That's your opinion- but added that you have my email for access. He left with OM.

Basically I went back into the pub, ranted at friends for a while who stopped me and pointed out just how strong I've been, and just how much he's lying still. Power walked to the railway station to come home and write on here.

Why oh why did start communicating? NC was going so damn well. 

NC time again.


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

So it's been a couple of days- and it's been a good couple of days at that.

I finally got my new house confirmed- I was hoping to move in 4 weeks, but no it's going to be in 2 weeks. I'm now looking forward to being even more ruthless with my belongings.

Seen STBXH again on Thursday night out with OM. Only this time, said hello and goodbye. Surprise surprise he's not been in touch ref the dogs, and nor do I expect him to be. But it doesn't make me angry anymore, more a calm resignation- that he's following his gutless path.

He should have received his D Papers now, so that should start to move forward.

Oh and off to London in a month for a couple of days, which will be fun!

Edit- STBXH has been looking at my dating profile online. WTF!?!?!


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

BIG NEWS.

I have a date......scared stiff, but it's a date!


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## Northern Monkey (May 2, 2013)

Just keep it cool. Have fun but no need to rush things.

Good luck fella.


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

So the divorce paperwork is through......

Not that it matters after the day I've had. Colleague at work in ICU after either a stroke or heart attack aged 44.

More concerned about him, his lovely wife and 2 children, than thinking about wretched divorce.


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## Northern Monkey (May 2, 2013)

Wow that's nasty. Thoughts to you and the family. Hope he pulls through.

For yourself, I know its not your priority but did your date go ok? Hope your feeling strong in yourself.


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

Date....now there's a story.

Turned out he slept with STBXH about a fortnight after we split. As the saying goes I'd rather be Solo than So Low.

Actually getting on better with STBXH. Even friends are commenting on just how life doesn't appear to be so green on the other side for him. Keeps coming up with miserable comments about how the OM is, how well the pubs doing etc, etc.

When I told him I'd spent £200 on new curtains for my new house he looked shocked.......when he asked why that much my response was simple. "Because I can afford it and I deserve the best. Oh do you want the old curtains because I don't have room for tat in my new house?"

Funny how he mumbled "yeah ok".

Self promotion was always his downfall. But he's materialistic as ever........ he he he.


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

Was going to head out, but feeling fairly c**p and thought it would only make me worse- ie get drunk and start a possible 2x4 moment.

So sat at home with internet, glass of wine and an early night. Which can't be all bad.

Funny this old Roller coaster. Guess it started when I saw my old car (the one STBXH sold to pay to start his new pub with) in a car park this morning. Got an attack of white hot rage again, but managed to calm myself down with thoughts of Karma etc in the future. It's just the sheer amount of lying that did/does my head in. OK, perhaps I did give up trying on the relationship towards the end, but for pity's sake- there's no bl***y darn way I deserved all of this stress etc, whilst he's walking around scott free. Mind you- 2 letters today, another set of debt letters for STBXH. I'll come through this stronger and wiser, but no way will I be codependent again- it's my life and I'll run it how I want. 

No news on my colleague only to say that he's stable and getting the best treatment going. 

Time to blast some tunes through my headset I feel. If this is life at it's worse, then the good times have to be better don't they?


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

Anyone else got what I was told by STBXH when I bumped into the idiot yesterday?

"Well I haven't loved you for 2 and half years". WTF???

This is seriously f**king my head up. How the hell will I trust anyone again? I hope in time I will, but that's going sit in my head forever.


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## Northern Monkey (May 2, 2013)

5 years I made her unhappy alledgedly.

Rewriting bullshyt so they can sleep at night. Nothing more.


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

Just had STBXH on phone. He got the D papers yesterday.

He's moaning on about tax credits as I've put that he is living with OM (suddenly now he's claiming it's 2 nights a week... like I care). I told him that if doesn't like it- see his lawyer and contest. This could cost £110 a week...... clearly forgotten who paid the rent for 11 years!

Easy to respond at 50,000ft!! He's scared, caught out and worried.

Whereas I'm in control for the 1st time in years...and giggling. 

All is clearly not good in paradise.


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

Latest 2 emails

"They r happy because they don't know it's incorrect. Just could have been so much simpler if it had been correct."

My response

Well that's your opinion. It still can be simple. Besides if the pub is as you said in front of everyone the other day is taking £400 each day then you aren't going to miss tax credits are you? And if you aren't living with OM, why witter on in public about how you are loving living with him- including yesterday and last week??? Or is it all just the usual Darren - self inflated importance mixed with a generous mix of lies? Not that I care anymore.


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## Northern Monkey (May 2, 2013)

I think you should just go dark. You have legal reps for a reason mate.


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

Oh dear........

(PD)
PS- for you to get the paperwork means it's been in front of the Judge already.
They're happy, I'm happy, my lawyer is happy, if you're not contest via your lawyer.
(Husband)
They r happy because they don't know it's incorrect. Just could have been so much simpler if it had been correct.
(PD)
Well that's your opinion. It still can be simple. Besides if the pub is as you said in front of everyone the other day is taking £400 each day then you aren't going to miss tax credits are you? And if you aren't living with Mike, why witter on in public about how you are loving living with him- including yesterday and last week??? Or is it all just the usual Darren - self inflated importance mixed with a generous mix of lies? Not that I care anymore.
(Husband)
It's got **** all to do with a self inflated anything or lies. The fact remains it is a legal form which has to be accurate or it invalid and I do not live with mike so can't lie.
But then u already knew that so was it to slow it down, don't quite understand
I have not once said anywhere or to anyone I am living with mike and spent Monday night and last night with him that is hardly living together and I won't lie on a legal form
(PD)
No if I wanted to slow it down, I'd have named Mike as corespondent and gone for either a long term part of your business for the statutory minimum period of 5 years or a pay off payment.
Like I said- you need to see a lawyer.
And frankly, I'm rather sick of your miserable moanings. If you prefer you can ask your lawyer to send all communications to lawyer at Lawyers and Co.
(Husband)
You couldn't have done that as adultery is not recognised In a civil partnership says so. On the form I filled I'm
(PD)
The form you couldn't be bothered to pay for? Jesus Christ.
(DB)
I'm not moaning, your the one doing that but I'm not signing a form with lies on without proper advice
(Husband)
Your words like your actions Darren mean nothing to me.
(Husband)
**** u then just gonna end up costing more just cause you don't ****ing listen but then that always was the problem so don't know why I'm surprised
(PD)
And your point is?
Like I said, your words and actions mean nothing to me.


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

That's it. I'm going dark on him. Leave it to others.


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

So the basic point is tax credits for STBXH. I'm at the point of going nuclear and blowing everything out of the water. If i do that, MIL and STBXH's S will be called in for benefit fraud. STBXH's B will learn the truth about MIL having cancer and not being told by STBXH. OM will be told he's worth £110 a week as his nominal worth and STBXH is paying him to keep him in his bed like a rent boy. 

But is there any point now??


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

Answer was simply no.

I'm signing off for a couple of weeks for a reason. I'm moving home!! Anyone who lives in the UK knows the problems with moving home with BT!!

So I end this with a positive- for now. I've cut STBXH out of everything now. Not even my home number will be the same. I've started a new email account. I've sorted out literally everything to start a new. He can try and message me on FB, but he's blocked totally now. No more waking up to see me being called a C**t via private message. No more blaming me for the end of our relationship which has been going on for 11 long weeks. 

I saw someone on here talking about this song- and it blew my mind when I heard it. So as a goodbye until I'll reconnected- for us all going through this, I hope you take some hope from this song.

OTHERWISE - I Don't Apologize (1,000 Pictures) (OFFICIAL VIDEO) - YouTube

I'll see you all when I get reconnected!

Love and peace and 180 to you all!!


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

Well this is the final message from the old house. 31st May 2013 will go down in history.

I bumped into the STBXH in town yesterday by sheer chance. He confirmed that he's signed the D papers and posted back yesterday. He disagreed that he was in a new relationship (whatever), but that his lawyer was off the opinion that it will not stop the D going through. That's taken a weight off my shoulders I can tell you.

All I said to him was "Did he know his Parking Fine had gone up to full price yesterday?"- (I work in the Parking Unit in Plymouth). He said no, but he'd pay it.....did make me smile when I saw it had gone up at work yesterday I must admit!

Left him, got keys to the new house, came home and cried like a baby for about an hour. I think it was all the stress coming out, but feeling better today. Nervous for the move, but better.

So I should hear from the County Court on Thursday onwards- then it's a case of waiting. Must remember it's a marathon and not a sprint!


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## mrtickle (Jan 29, 2013)

Sounds like things are going pretty well, despite what it may feel

Keep your chin up


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

It's a shame when you have to come to the pub for the internet!

Move went really well, setting in nicely. 

And I've a date tomorrow night....... with someone who I've known for 18 years but he's never come across to me in that way before. Guess I saw him with a new light on Saturday night. More importantly- he's prepared for me take it slow and let it develop over time. So lets put my heart back out there and see how it goes.


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

So here we are, nearly a week later.

Taking my new relationship slowly, but it's heated up a fair bit this weekend, I'm truly lucky to have a lovely honest man in my life, even mutual friends are chuffed to pieces- and it helps that the UK weather here has finally decided it's summer!

Life is good. Just awaiting the D papers back from the court this week, then it's formally on to the dissolution with any luck.

Karma bus has hit STBXH- he's had to have 2 stents fitted into his heart on Friday but was singing the praises of OM about helping him out. He took the news that I was seeing someone like drinking a cup of cold sick. Frankly he deserves everything miserable to happen.

Life for the moment is good!


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

Update time- finally got the internet at home yesterday- still no TV, but hey can't have it all.

Well I'm guessing it's honesty time. My new fella is fantastic, certainly helps that we've known each other for years and he's been brilliant even helping with the olde rubbish that STBXH pours out, but he sees right through STBXH. 

Whilst out with new fella the other night, STBXH and OM walked in and came over talking to us. STBXH was "happy that it's all working out for me" and OM wants us all to be friends. From 50,000ft I responded with a cool indifferent "yes". Again from 50,000ft I can see that STBXH has not changed in the slightest, still self promoting, lying and now he's following the EXACT same path as before as he did with me. OM doesn't have a clue of what's going to hit him soon.......but it's going to funny watching it from the sidelines rather than being in the middle of it.

As for me? Well, I'm trying to be ultra cautious but as new fella said the other night- "I know you're scared of being hurt, but all I have to do is prove to you over time that I won't". This olde battered heart is beating again and almost healed and is ready to share again.

When I read back over my early posts, I'm a different person. I was scared, lonely, frightened, clinging on to the past. Now, I'm happy, faced my demons head on, looking forward to the future and confident. 

I know the mistakes from the game now. Hopefully I've learned enough over the last 3 months not to ever have to repeat them again. I now know what a "Red Flag" is and I can spot the signs (even in other relationships). I'm truly lucky to have found this website and taken the advice and read the stories from other people who have and are going through this period. In my case, the storm is finally over and the sunshine is starting to come through. 

Just awaiting the D paperwork from the County Court- then it's onto Nisi!


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## Northern Monkey (May 2, 2013)

Remember, no matter how good things seem to be with new guy, no #3's.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Glad to hear things are starting to turn around for you, but I'd like to offer a bit of advice for your new relationship.



> "I know you're scared of being hurt, but all I have to do is prove to you over time that I won't."


Although I'm sure he's trying to be reassuring, you have to know that it's not up to him to prove anything to you in that regard. You were hurt in a previous relationship and if he keeps trying to 'prove' himself to you, and you are simply having a difficult time personally .. he's going to run out of 'proving gas' eventually.

There is nothing wrong with a new partner being understanding and caring but they shouldn't have to prove anything due to baggage from a previous relationship. The same goes for you, it's really not fair to a new partner.

Just food for thought.


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

Why oh why.

Lovely evening, new OH was out for meal, so met friends for a pint....or 5!

Trouble was, mutual friends started talking about STBXH- and how OM was only with STBXH for money in the new pub.

And guess what... it's grating. Hence why I'm home alone and not with new OH. Poor guy thinks I'm tired (which to be fair I am but I didn't want STBXH in my mind if you get my thoughts). 

OK, the gay scene in Plymouth isn't the biggest, but why oh why bring it up.

Help and AARRRRGGGHHH!!!


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Your 'friends' were talking about your ex around you?


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

It's a small scene Daddio, unfortunately they do mention him. OK, my friends do now just call him the "Village Idiot".

Anyway had the confirmation paperwork from STBXH about my D petition. Almost had to get the violins out when I read them


I quote "I agree in the most part apart from for your records, I do not live with new partner". Errrrmmmmm hello?? He's there most of the time and sleeps there most nights? 

Then the violins REALLY cranked up

Even if you do not intend to defend the case do you object to paying the costs of the proceedings?

"Yes I object as left mine and Phil's home with nothing of value and have had to start again from scratch causing financial hardship".

But he runs the busiest pub in the area???

Almost tempted to make him pay now for sheer devilment!


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

Just had STBXH around- and after months of turfing out he's paid some money towards moving out of the old house. Only £60, but hey.

He only came around to collect the very last of his stuff- including a suit for a funeral which we're both going to next week. Mutual good friend died- could have been a s**t, but good karma said give him his suit. 

He's happy I'm moving on , but talked about how he and OM are going to move towards "double barrelled" names and BIG SURPRISE (not), they are going to get married when it becomes legal in the UK (in his words, not this Civil Partnership stuff).

Remained throughout at 50,000ft. He's not changed a bit, still the same. Whereas I have a lot. Not seeing things through the same eyes, but accepted the old life has gone- accepted my codependency has gone- read up on my old life and relationship and dealt with changes.

He's stopped drinking so much and cut down on smoking.:rofl:

And come the end- the glorious moment when he left. 

I felt nothing. 

:smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup:

Now time to talk to new OH.


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

Bah- hate Sundays.

Oddly spent more time today thinking about STBXH than anything else.

I've spent too much time drinking this last week, nothing heavy, but more than I'd like/should be doing- and it's getting to me. Time to calm down and relax on I feel.

Roll on early September- when I'm free!


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

Well, well 2x4 time.

Went to that funeral yesterday- STBXH was fine to start with but having to spend 6 hours with him in the end was grating and frankly hard work. So in the end I decided to ignore him......

This led to him storming out the wake riasing his middle finger yelling "F88k you Phil" across a crowded pub.

I managed not to respond to this, but came home to total rant via private message on Facebook, during which he threatened my new man "I'll punch his lights out". Again I should have ignored it- but I responded, giving a few home truths of my own..........then I deleted and blocked him- safe in the knowledge that he will never darken my door again.

Basically if he doesn't like the fact that he's not welcome in my space and I don't need to speak to him again thats my decision. So back to the 180 for ever with him.


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## Northern Monkey (May 2, 2013)

Blocking is a good call, you need to be non responsive to his fishing trips.


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

Thanks Northern Monkey.

Get the feeling he was steaming drunk come the end yesterday- but to do that at a wake is frankly IMO disgusting. Hence when I came home to a another drunken rant I really let rip.

The simple fact of the matter is that he's jealous. He's seeing my life move on very very successfully both professionally and personally, and as someone said left he left last evening- the grass isn't greener on the other side. It's more a s***y brown colour. So he got told basically where to go from me, told he'd failed and f***ed up a marriage and that don't come to my local pub raving about Princess Toxic (OM's nickname), as you're not really welcome.

Gawd do I feel better today......


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

Well a week down the line.

No contact from STBXH:smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup:

Had to send an email about the dogs (the ones he never gave a fig about after he left), as it looks like I'm going to have to have them rehomed. Nothing back. Not unexpected.

Otherwise life is pretty darn good. Rather enjoying life at the moment!


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

From the highs to the crushing low.

It's my own fault. Lots going on behind the scenes at work (which is good)- coping with dealing with the dogs (very very hard) dealing with D (we all know how hard this is!) and to add to the mix this week...

It's my wedding anniversary on Sunday. Boy do I not need this at the moment. It's formally my 6th anniversary and will be my last in this relationship. So why the hell does the thought of Sunday make me feel sick to the pit of my stomach? OK- it's also one of my best mates birthday and I'm going to a Christening as well, but I just know it's going to loom like a big black cloud over the day.

So how do I cope with it guys? Any advice?


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## LivingAgain (Jun 12, 2013)

Anniversaries suck!!

Since my separation I've gone through two of our first date (which is our separation date on D papers), one wedding anniversary, one first D Day anniversary...ugh.

What I have learned is to honor my feelings for that day BUT only for a short time. Allow yourself an allotted time slot for the day, then be done with it. It's good you have things to do that day. If you allow the feelings for a short period, you may find moving on with your day being involved with others and other things will be surprisingly easy.

Hope it isn't too hard


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

So finished work- NM was watching Wimbledon in another pub (See I can do space and independence and not be worried )- but unluckily for me STBXH was in my local.

Basically cold towards him- he expects me to apologise for not saying goodbye a week last Tuesday FFS!! Typical narcissus quality or what.

When I refused- he threatened NM again. What the hell is his bloody problem - sorry for swearing- but he's got Princess Poison, I've got NM and all he does is threaten when it doesn't go his way?

Honestly.............


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

Really funny email come in from a mate in Yorkshire last night!

"Phil you know when you walked down the aisle normally it's to the wedding march isn't it? Well when you walked out of the church, this started playing...... remember buddy now you are at 1 second to go!"

And the music was......
The Weakest Link Music 2.30 (AFT Version).mp4 - YouTube

Actually I didn't walk out of the church to this, but every 3 seconds equals roughly 1 month of my Civil Partnership, so he has a point!!


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

Happy 6th Wedding Anniversary to me.


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

My latest Facebook Post (edited for here)

So the wheel has finally gone full circle. And I'm at peace.

Long post- sorry friends.

Today is actually my 6th Wedding Anniversary. It's also my last. 

Following a lovely christening (thanks LC and MG!!) I faced a few demons at Saltash United FC. To discover, actually again all has changed- along with myself. In fact what's changed is the old Phil from pre 2002 is back. Laughing, joking with old friends.Talking about how we've changed and grown- and lovely little A! Looking forward to the new season (even if it's SWPL rather than the South Western League!). With friends and family (thanks Pete for the words earlier!).

Then on to EW birthday, where yes I did put on the jukebox 2 of my wedding songs. But again- laughter, friendship and love with the guys in The Old Friary with my new man D O'B. 

I can't forget the fact I was legally Civil Partnered, and I never wish to. But I played the cards since March that I was given. Honestly. Truthfully. No lies. F**ked up along the way, but I played the game to the end without walking away. I fought like a cornered fox at time. 

But not now.

The circle was closed at 1345hrs this afternoon at Kimberley Stadium. And I'm at peace.


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

Woke up this morning feeling like a weight has been lifted off me.

Perhaps it was the thought that it could be saved that's been making me feel terrible. I now know that it can't. In fact, even friendship with STBXH isn't looking possible. But I can cope with that. 

It's strange feeling- feeling good- new future, new dawn- knowing that the 180 doesn't even come into play, it'll be a natural reaction.

No one sets out on Civil Partnership/marriage thinking they will end up here. But it's happened and thankfully the hurricane that hit back in March is finally over.

Roll on the 24th July for the Nisi, then 6th September for the Absolute.


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## Northern Monkey (May 2, 2013)

That strange feeling may just be real acceptance.

Not only accepting it is real but also that it absolutely is for the best too.

Those dates.. all you're doing really is waiting scraps of paper to catchup to reality.


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

You know what NM- you are right. It's acceptance. 

It's taken nearly 4 months, but it's over. Don't need to speak, email , converse or having any dealings with STBXH. Played all the cards, proud to have fought like a cornered fox, but it's over.

Now life can move on, those dates are simply legal certainties.

Now time to mend properly!


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

Finally the financial gods are smiling on me.

Got the refund from my deposit on my last house. And it's a good £250 more than I was expecting.

Not enough to go mad, but enough to clear all the final debts and get through to pay day- plus a meal out with NM and mutual friends. 

One rather happy Phil for once!


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

FFS!!!!!

Morning Phil, I received an email from the deposit protection service this morning advising that the protection had been removed and that we needed to contact Property Links regarding repayment of the deposit.

I spoke to S at PL this morning who advised that the deposit has been repaid to you only and there was a deduction for cleaning and flee treatment of £100. I paid you £60 for carpet cleaning which I believe you had done but I paid you that £60 on the understanding that this was so that we would get our deposit back. I expect half of the deposit to be paid to me in line with the rules of the deposit protection scheme who have advised me to get back in touch with them should this not happen.

Regards STBXH.

I Bit back

Ahem- see the above

Do you wish me to scan the water bill and certificate of satisfaction for £694 for Fleet Street which I paid your half for on your behalf (given it was a joint bill) back in April?

Do you wish me to stop the Decree Nisi by the 22nd July and resubmit asking you to pay all costs (currently £350)? Willing to do so, but don't expect an Absolute until 2015 at the very earliest?? (PS you cannot submit for a Dissolution as there is already a Petetion against you from me for the same thing)

Could go into depth about PL, but you've had a copy of the said letter which Nxxx delivered to your business a few Saturday's back giving your address. If they **** up (not surprising according to Connells- who I talked to about the various email chains I've had over the last few weeks)

You choose regarding the options. Mum/Dad/NM/ I really not fussed.

But either option costs more in the longer run STBXH........ than half of £492. Plus you'll still be married to me.

Have a think. 


I copy NM into this

His words and mine

good one!
xxxxx

The mere thought of being married to me for another 2 years hopefully will swing it in his eyes. And we all thought the pub was the best in the world and money wasn't a problem.
Guess it's all lies.

20:22
really? You think so? Sometimes you are soooo sceptical xx

Don't cave in.

Arrrrrggggghhhhhhh

STBXH. Get over it.


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

Quick update

Good morning STBXH

Well, I made a few phone calls of my own yesterday and NM did some digging for me via his work with regards to the nightmare of the deposit refund.

Now of course, you already know what I'm going to type, so none of this will be a surprise.

I informed Property Links on Tuesday 19th March that you had moved out on preceding Friday. The tenancy on Fleet Street automatically went into my name from that date.
PL removed your details and as there was no guarantor all was fine.

I wrote to PL's informing them that I planned to leave the property during early May and that I would firm up on dates when this place was confirmed. I copied you in giving your new address and got X and X to drop a copy into the pub for you one Saturday afternoon- you weren't there, but it was left for you. So PL's had your new address.

I subsequently gave notice on 21st May informing PL's that I would be moving out from 1st June but would be handing the keys back from 20th June.

PL's did the final inspection following my move and following lengthy talks I accepted that £100 would be removed from the deposit. They contacted DPS who allowed the deposit to be refunded. 

Now the interesting part. PL's lost my original letter with your address on it.- considering it was hand delivered by me should surprise me, but knowing PL's actually it doesn't. However they had updated their systems removing you from tenancy of Fleet Street. Therefore in PL's eyes, there was only one place to refund the cheque to, which of course was me.

So there was only ever 1 cheque. Having spoken to DPS, they are literally only a holding company for deposits- and they don't get involved in deposit disputes.

Spoke to XXXXX at PL's yesterday, who confirmed that they had indeed spoken to you on the phone. She apologised for the problems and their mistakes, but as the cheque had been sent, new tenants had moved into Fleet Street and my tenancy had ended, as far as they were concerned the matter was closed.

DPS have closed the file.
PL's have closed the file.

So that's it. There was only 1 cheque, sent to me in my name, banked by me. If you wish to negotiate, you need to actually talk to me rather than typing rubbish on the emails from Thursday. And that's the point isn't it. If you had told the truth on Thursday night I would have waited for the cheque to clear and then split it.

But you lied yet again. 

As far as I'm concerned, I'm taking the same line as DPS and PL's. 

The matter is closed.

All over £248.12

Time to move on and enjoy the Great British Summer!


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

Well well well

It's only taken 4 months, but STBXH has started the pattern over again with OM.

He's cheated on OM.

Cue much mirth and laughter yesterday after he left the pub having boasted about it.


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

7 days to D day

Or in terms of this piece of music.....1 second left

The Weakest Link Music 2.30 (AFT Version).mp4 - YouTube


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

Why oh why.

Another email from STBXH, this time about the boat he bought and some seats he bought on eb. Less than 24 hours after saying he never wanted to talk to me again.

Getting absolutely sick of it.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

*Re: Re: The end of Road (Civil Partnership down the swannie)*



philglossop said:


> Why oh why.
> 
> Another email from STBXH, this time about the boat he bought and some seats he bought on eb. Less than 24 hours after saying he never wanted to talk to me again.
> 
> Getting absolutely sick of it.


Establish the boundary with a no contact reply, then ignore the aftermath.


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

More depressed than ever, as D Day looms next Wednesday.

Thought I was over this, but the roller coaster obviously has 1 more twist and turn to go. Thought the "what ifs" had been sorted in my mind, but they are back and back in force this past couple of days. Haven't contacted STBXH, as I know deep down now it simply wouldn't work, but the rage inside me at times is scary.

Anyone else feel like this as they trundled towards the conclusion?


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## Northern Monkey (May 2, 2013)

You mean what if he came back to you now he has shown he isn't committed to OM?

Get a grip, you know exactly how that would play out. Don't start doubting yourself now, stay strong.

He is a loser serial cheater. Not only that but he is proud of it. Never gonna change and if you stop feeling for s minute and think instead, you'd kick "whatif" in the teeth.

Eta.. anger is fine. You should be angry about how you were treated but, if you waft based on that anger you'll regret it. Use it but don't let it control you.


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

Thanks Northern Monkey- just a bad morning I guess. Just rolling down to D Day.

It was Plymouth Pride yesterday in blazing hot sunny weather- saw STBXH swanning around. He walked past my mates and I and did the honourable thing- and said Hello. He bearly looked at me and muttered hello back. Nothing more was said. Just got on with NM and tackled a case of Carling. 

Suffering today mind!


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

2 days to go.

Awake at 430am, wondering, thinking. 

Never mind.


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

Think I hit the correct tone with this early this morning...

STBXH

Just discovered your email about the car from last Wednesday.

Having seen you on Saturday, you are clearly fine. But why tell me?

You have a new partner to discuss those sorts of matters with. The same goes for "boat seats", "deposits" and coming into the pub saying "I've not been well"- in fact just about everything. I don't discuss with you anything, as that's not your place anymore.


The only contact should only be about the animals, as they are the only thing left from pre March.

If you want friendship, you have to understand that that will take time on both sides. At the moment, I'm still too hurt to at times barely look at you.

This isn't a strop, these are simple facts.

As I'm being honest, on Thursday evening/night, there is a group of us going out to mark our divorce (it's not a celebration)- we're meeting in the Friary before going on for a meal and coming back to Friary. If you wish to avoid, you now have the knowledge.

Take care, and if anything to do with the animals happens I'll be in touch.

P

Finally finally, no rancid response. In fact nothing.

And that suits me just fine!


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

Think I hit the correct tone with this early this morning...

STBXH

Just discovered your email about the car from last Wednesday.

Having seen you on Saturday, you are clearly fine. But why tell me?

You have a new partner to discuss those sorts of matters with. The same goes for "boat seats", "deposits" and coming into the pub saying "I've not been well"- in fact just about everything. I don't discuss with you anything, as that's not your place anymore.


The only contact should only be about the animals, as they are the only thing left from pre March.

If you want friendship, you have to understand that that will take time on both sides. At the moment, I'm still too hurt to at times barely look at you.

This isn't a strop, these are simple facts.

As I'm being honest, on Thursday evening/night, there is a group of us going out to mark our divorce (it's not a celebration)- we're meeting in the Friary before going on for a meal and coming back to Friary. If you wish to avoid, you now have the knowledge.

Take care, and if anything to do with the animals happens I'll be in touch.

P

Finally finally, no rancid response. In fact nothing.

And that suits me just fine!


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

In English Law tomorrow is Decree Nisi

This song sums up how I feel this evening. Because I'm not going to be negative- this is a positive!!

NEIL SEDAKA - LAUGHTER IN THE RAIN [w/ lyrics] - YouTube


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

philglossop said:


> That's it. I'm going dark on him. Leave it to others.


I've skimmed thru your posts and agree that you must do this. Stay off FB if you must. Tell your friends to STOP giving you updates on him. You have an opportunity to heal, but it takes time away. Dark = away mentally, physically, emotionally. 

Good luck!


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

Saturday 7th July 2007 - Wednesday 24th July 2013.

Hurting a lot this morning.

But it's the right decision I made.


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

Update.

Phew

OM dumped XH. XH tail spins and takes overdose. I end up trying help. XH now sees me in totally different light as fog has lifted and sees a new more confident Phil. I tell XH not going there as happy with NM.

Turns out XH has seen this thread as well. He admitted he cried as he read through it (although he disagreed with some of it). Oddly thinks we're all hard. 

Weird couple of days or what???


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## Northern Monkey (May 2, 2013)

Phil, frankly who cares?

Karma is a ***** but you seem to be quite caught up in his life still. Let it go completely.

Don't seek out or accept news about him.

As for him thinking we're hard. I couldn't give a toss. Entitled little victim is he? He's got the life he chose and what would seem to be the onlt lifestyle he is capable of.

He has a raft of issues but not one of them has a damn thing to do with you now.

What's happening in your own life is all that matters now.


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

I'll be caught up in his life when something serious happens Northern Monkey.

I may be his x, but I'm a decent human being and if that call comes and it's serious of course I'll be there.


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## Northern Monkey (May 2, 2013)

But why?

Not to be flippant but why would you be there?


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

Damned if I do, damned if I didn't NM!

Trust me, I wish I hadn't been put in that situation, but at least I was able to pass on information, which hopefully helped.

All back to normal now, hence why I went out with New man last night and spent a lovely evening with him and having told him the full story he understood totally. Mind you, he's known XH for 25 years and knows the story well!


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

So having got a few 4x2 across the head for helping XH- I actually got a thank you from him- faint praise indeed.

In fact, we've sorted out all the cr*p, talking through why the split happened, he's now on the shortest lead for the rest of his relationship with OM- and he sees a very different Phil from the one he walked out on in March. A confident happier well rounded person, who can help him, whilst walking away after it's sorted. 

There was never going to be an "R"- even before this happened. 

So what now? 6 weeks to absolute. It's just a date and piece of paper after all. My personal happiness is far more important.


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

Lets add new equation into the mix.....

Had to go the Doctors yesterday as I'm having serious problems with my hearing. Which ended with the word "operation".

The last time I had a simple operation back in 2000 (removing of appendix), I ended up in in ICU on life support for a week. This triggered my depression big style and left me with severe PTSD- and has left me with a severe fear of hospitals. XH knew about this and was very supportive of this fear and when I had CBT to conquer it.

I haven't mentioned this and won't to XH but NM has been brilliant with support. 

It's the thought just as I was getting back on track and looking forward to a new life- something comes along and flattens you and bring back all the fear and worry.

Life sucks.


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

Hey Phil...

I have never posted on your thread, but I have read most of your posts. 

I am so sorry to hear about your health problems...especially after seeing you in such a better place lately. Hopefully this will just be a minor & temporary setback...and that the surgery will ultimately help you and your hearing. 

I understand that the fear of something can be paralyzing. But, you are a different man now...with a new life and a new outlook. Try to let your positive attitude lead the way. 

*hugs*


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

Thanks JPR

Talked over the situation with NM Thursday evening- in a much better place if I need to have the operation!

Discovered I've been putting on weight again - must be contentment and happyness, but going to go on a bit of a health kick to sort that out (I ain't going back to being overweight/obese again).

Life is finally coming good. Still hear from XH occasionally but it's good natured, brief and civil. And after all the above over the last few months that's a rather good place to be- detached but supportive if needed.

As for NM. Boy is he enriching my life with new experiences, friends and parties.Haven't been so happy in years (but still watching for red flags- guess that will never go to a degree) The next hurdle is getting him to meet my parents and for me to meet his Mother. But we'll get there!


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

Nothing much happening....bar

1. Nisi paperwork through with papers for absolute in 4 weeks.

2. BIL came to me in work yesterday saying "you had a good day on beer Monday"- meaning someone had showed him my FB status update as he's not on there. Could only be XH who'd run with my status when I'd only had 1 pint as the pub was shut and I helped with the re decorating. Took great delight in informing BIL of said pint and the fun we'd all had on Monday.

I guess I have a FB storker.....shame my new life is so peaceful and quiet!!!


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

So after 11 years together, all it took was a Judge Arnold to slam the door shut and declare a Degree Nisi.

Should be happy, but oddly not. Just very reflective.

I know life is better, I'm happier, but the loss hits again. Nowhere near as bad as the early days, but it's an empty feeling. The thought that a total stranger can sit and say legally "it's over"- stings. 

Funny how you can big yourself up for this moment when on reflection- there is no coming back, there was never going to be a coming back, life's moved on and yet- feel like you did in the early days of this blog. Sad, reflective and almost wishing you could still reach out to the XH. But you know you don't want to, and it would destroy my new life. 

I'll be fine. Just as my broken heart was looking like it was fully repairing, a little arrow breaks a chip off. Give me 24 hours and I'll be fine.


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

Whilst hacking away at the ice in the freezer like a man demented just now I came to the simple decision.

I need a holiday.

Luckily, myself and my parents have a mobile caravan, so going to look at sites now and hook up and disappear for a week in September.

Heck it's the only darn holiday I can afford this year- so either Devon or Cornwall is going to get my company next month.

Any suggestions?


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

Nice one Phil.

What's the 1 thing I've been neglecting with NM the last 2 weeks, be it through work or going to XH pub?

Communication. Letting little things grow in my head so that they seem like deal breakers.

So I'm going to sort it out this evening. We'll see if they really are problems which can't be sorted or if they can be broken down into chunks which we can manage.

Worked something out at 2am this morning. Not having trauma/stress is great, but I shouldn't be making trauma to fill a gap. XH was very good at doing that- I just need to roll with the punches now- and remember that it's perfectly normal

Anyhoo, been working too darn hard these last few weeks- need to take it easier both at work and at home.

Besides which it's only 3 weeks to the earliest absolute day I can file- and then I've got up to 3 months before XH can pay to file.

But in the spirit of no more trauma, absolute will be September 6th. Rather ironically, my parents wedding anniversary!


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

So.......

lovely long talk with NM about the so called issues, which of course with talking openly aren't really issues, but can be broken down to little chunks.

Been to the Doctor, my med's haven't been working on the depression front for a couple of weeks hence the slide towards mania/depression/mania/mania/ deeper depression. Up'd the dose for a couple of months, but then slide down to normal.

Booked a little 5 day break for myself and NM in the first week of September down on the Lizard in West Cornwall. As I have a touring caravan, it'll be nice to pitch up at a small farm down there, and literally go for coastal walks and relax. Hopefully the weather will improve a bit, but if it doesn't- who cares. It'll be us two, some chilled Pinot in the evening and lots of enjoyment.

Plymouth has just finished it's annual hosting of the UK Fireworks festival, so been working 15 hour days as of course being in the Parking division, people like to park up in the evening to see the events- it's our busiest time (the city has held the event for over 12 years now), so work helps with the mood- and the overtime!!

Saw XH this evening after I finished, nice chat about a few things- clear to see now both our priorities are well and truly different, must admit to throwing in a barb at the end about not going to Gran Canaria for my 40th next February as planned), but don't think he spotted that. The simple fact- and I know that this site can be rough towards about what I'm going to say, but life is easier when you can try and get along with your ex to some degree. Yes of course, I've done the 180, but I can seriously see now there was never going to be an "R"- he'd shipped out of the marriage months before we split. His partners birthday is in a couple of weeks and he's taking him to Torquay- when all I got in February gone was a hooky steak dinner and moan that the pub was in trouble- and I can't afford a present.

And that's the point. Red flags flying totally. But not seen, because I loved him totally then. Hell, he could have ignored it, and I'd have taken it. 

Now? Who knows what the future holds for my birthday/Christmas/ events? Fun and laughter with new friends and NM in the picture. But I know my self worth/esteem and overall outlook is stronger and better than the old Phil was back in February 2013. Jese I scare myself when I hear myself saying to NM- actually no- this doesn't work for me- can talk properly about it? 

XH did me a favour back in March. He shook my life like a jigsaw puzzle. Nothing was ever going to be the same again- including my relationship with him. But just because he shook it- did it have to mean that mutual friends had to split into camps? Of course some did, and they have to understand that the Phil they meet will not be same Phil from before. I understand that XH is getting the same vibe from the other side of coin- but time is and will be a great healer.

I don't hate anymore. I'm sad it ended the way it did, I'm glad of the experience in an odd way, I'm sad of the lost dreams, I'm glad of the new dreams to come. I'm glad of the self help books. I love the amount of 2x4's I've got to build some decking thanks to you guys. I'm glad I can throw the odd barb chuckle to myself and get away with it!

I'm glad I'm a more rounded person as a result of this.

This will be my last blog on this section of the site, as I think it's time to move over to the "Newly Divorced" section. 

To anyone who reads this during the early weeks of a split or a divorce, please remember, your story, my story isn't unique. It's happening right this second to someone on this Earth. The fall out will be hard, you will learn that the rollercoaster moves from highs to lows. You will hate, love, fight, despair, cry, be angry, be civil, be raging. You may as in my case, loose 3 stone in weight. You will never forget.

But if you can try forgive- the world will be your oyster.

Peace and love and see you in the divorced section.

Phil (Aged 39 and 1/2) xxxx


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