# dont know what to do....



## AngieW (Jan 21, 2013)

Very Long story but I will try to make it as short as possible.
I met my husband of 12 years when I was 17 and we started dating about 3 months after we met. We continued to date for four years and then got married. During this time there were times when he was rude and distant. I ignored peoples little comments and kept on dating him. I was that girl lost in love that couldn’t see past anything and so afraid to be not with someone. Two weeks after we got married my husband told me a secret that nobody knew. He had been molested by a man in his early teens. I felt so bad for him and felt that it explained a lot about his words and actions sometimes. As the years went on he would have periods of good time and bad times but has never been good with affection and encouragement towards me. A few months after I had our third son he told me that he had a few encounters with men over that past year. No sex but masturbating with them. At the time a man had entered our lives and called himself a counselor and that he specialized in that area of abuse and the aftermath it can have on a person. In the beginning I was hopeful that he could help as I did see a change in my husband attitude toward me and the kids. He met with me and told me that he was going to have to have my husband with him more than he was with me and the kids but it would be worth it in the end. As the counseling went and I got to know this man I felt very uncomfortable with everything and felt he was doing more harm that good. I expressed this to my husband and he would get very defensive and angry. There were more nights than I can count during two years of counseling that he would call me to tell me my husband fell asleep at his house and he was having a hard time and he was going to stay there. He was over there 90% of the time. I started asking questions about the method of counseling and my husband told me he couldn’t be there for me at the time because he was working through some things and this man was the only one that understood. This man began to take over our marriage and tried to take over and discipline our kids. He crossed many lines but was always forgiven by my husband. I grew to hate this man and would leave when he was near and would not let him around my kids. This went on about two and half years. I ran across some emails that were opened up from him on the computer one day and it became so clear to me that he was gay and was trying to take my husband. He even took him on a seven day cruise. He would sometimes sit in our driveway at night when my husband was home just incase he needed him (creepy). I was getting to be more than I could handle. At the time we had three boys and no family here to help me. It all came to an end when he was caught in fraudulent activity. My husband finally saw him for what he truly was. We have had no contact with him. My husband will not talk about those two years and gets mad if I bring it up. But I feel like I need him to know what I went through and how I was hurt and need some closure. Fast forward to today…..He has always had a temper but I feel I am at my wits end. He yells in my face, tells me to shut up, tells me I am not a good enough house keeper and that I don’t do a good enough job in the discipline department. I can clean the whole house and he will find one spot I missed and get angry that it wasn’t done and tell me the house is disgusting. We now have four boys and keeping the house spotless is difficult but I try. He works and I stay home so he thinks that I have it very easy and always throws the fact that I don’t make money in my face when I ask to buy something for myself. As of recently he has changed all accounts so I have my own that he will deposit money in as he sees fit. I was told it is to be used for groceries, toiletries, school needs and kid needs. He feels that since he works he should be able to come home sit down and not help at all with the kids. That’s my job. I don’t mind doing it and I am thankful that he works and provides but bathtime help or kitchen cleanup after dinner help would be so amazing. I have never really stuck up for myself when he is yelling and have always backed down but over the past month I have become so tired of it and started telling him that he can’t talk to me like that and I don’t deserve to be treated like this and he looked at me and said in a very sarcastic tone ‘Ok are you finished cause you can get out of my face now.” He is never wrong in his mind about anything and I can count on one hand how many times he has said sorry. He can be loving and fun but the bad is staring to outweigh the good. I look forward to when he goes to work and dreads when he comes home and just try to make sure everything is close to perfect. I have lost myself. I used to be fun loving, confident woman and now I am run down. I feel like an unpaid maid. I just need some advice. I feel unattracted to him because of everything that happened those two years and the things I read. Sorry for the rant but need some opinions. My sister in law is the only family that know everything. My parents can’t know they would be sick and worried as they do not live close by and would be a mess. His parents like to keep a perfect image all the time and would probably brush it under the rug. I don’t want to leave because of the kids but if I didn’t have kids with him I would have left and long time ago. Guess I can always just dream of a real man.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Oh my God Angie! You know that story about putting a frog in a pot of water, then putting the pot on the stove and turning on the heat. The frog stays content not seeing the danger all around until it is too late. You are that frog.

The issue of your husband's past molestation is insignificant compared to how he is currently coping with having entered (however unwittingly) into a extramarital relationship with a "counselor" who duped both of you to have sex with your husband.

I am terribly concerned for you. Your instincts were right about this "therapist" and clearly something inside is telling you that the way he is acting right now is highly disturbing.

You are being treated cruelly, you are being demeaned and belittled and you are being controlled. Furthermore, in order to keep you under control he has isolated you from others and has taken away your financial interdependence and turned it into complete financial dependence.

Get Out Now!

Call you local emergency room and ask for the phone number for the nearest women's shelter. Call the shelter and make an appointment to talk with someone. Do NOT allow you husband to find out you are making these calls! If at any time you think he is acting in a threatening way, call 911. Don't wait for the punch to be thrown. Go to a woman's shelter where you will find free access to legal help. That help will get you legal access to financial resources, both government assistance and your marital assets, which are at least half yours anyway. 

Take your sons and brace yourself for their possible reactions. They are too young to fully understand that their mother is in danger. just know in your heart you are doing what is best for them too because you cannot allow them to see their father's behavior as what is right and normal for men. For you know it is neither!

Maybe in time your husband will seek appropriate therapy and heal enough to be a full partner in your marriage, not to mention no longer pose a threat to your health and well being.

No, he's not beating, threatening you, or your kids. But he is methodically isolating you and cutting you off from any and all means of escape and help. What comes next after you no longer have access to any money, or any source of emotional support? Physical abuse comes next. When someone methodically and systematically takes every bit of control of another's life they have complete power and complete power corrupts completely.

Please post back and let me know that you have initiated some help for yourself.


----------



## uncool (Dec 12, 2010)

He doesn't love you or he wouldn't emotionally abuse you.... period. He doesn't realize you can do better than him. It's time he found out.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Also, if I am worried, a total stranger, your parents will be worried. However, as a parent myself, I would want the opportunity to ensure my daughter was safe and well cared for. Currently, you are neither safe nor well cared for. Call your parents and let them help you by finding a safe place for you and your children while your husband gets the intense help he needs.


----------

