# Wife being unreasonable?



## rockonrichi33 (May 30, 2015)

My wife and I are having problems. We have been married for over a year, but we have been living together for 5. We have a 1yr3mo old daughter. She has ZERO friends(really). Her relationship with her family is strained at best. She was molested as a child by a family member. I believe this has had a profound impact on the way she see's the world(And I don't blame her for that). I have a great family that has always supported me. We moved across the country(literally coast to coast) for my work. She is a stay at home mom. Whenever there is even the slightest hint that someone wants to come see us(Family, my friends) we end up arguing. She wants to only to limit time spent with them. But then when they get here, she has a fine time. She refuses to let any of my family stay at our house. They fly across the country and spend all that money to see us and she won't even offer a couch or extra room. These are people that have supported not only me, but us. Emotionally and financially at times. It is like she doesn't want to go out of her way in the slightest for anyone, no matter how much they may have gone out of their way for her/us. She has told me on a few occasions that my close friends are not my friends at all. Time, life, and distance may have separated me from my friends some, but I know they still are. She doesn't have friends so I don't see how she can make that statement...she doesn't know what it is like to have lifelong friends. I try to be sensitive, but sometimes I gotta try and be real with her and tell her that this horrific thing she went through impacts the way she treats people. Which means she trusts nobody. She said that if grandparents lived nearby, that she would only be comfortable to let them babysit 4 times a year. My grandparents watched me almost everyday when I was a child....and I am so very grateful. She said she would rather hire a stranger from a company (and pay them) then let grandparents babysit. Is this normal? Or am I the one outta line here?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Like you said, your wife trusts no one. I'm surprised she trusts you. Do you ever feel like she does not trust you?

Did her molestation go on for a long time? Did other family members know about it and do nothing?

Does she allow people, friends/family, come into your home for things like a few hour visit, dinner, etc?

Your wife desperately needs counseling to work out her issues. Would she even consider this?

Is your wife unreasonable? Well she has the right to feel the way she does.

The problem is really that the two of you have different outlooks on family and friends. Unless she can work through her hang ups, she is not going to change her views. You are not going to change yours either.

So I guess you need to either learn to live with his or get a divorce.

Your child is going to grow up and most likely have the same attitude that your wife has unless you do something to intervene.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

You've been with her for 5 years, did you not have any indication that she was this way with your folks before you married her?


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

morituri said:


> You've been with her for 5 years, did you not have any indication that she was this way with your folks before you married her?


That's what I was wondering. I'm sure she was like this before you got married. You knew what you were getting into. No it's not normal but it all stems from her being molested by a family member. It's important for you and your daughter to stay close to your family and she shouldn't argue with you when your family members come to visit. Maybe compromise with her and spend time with them when they visit but they can stay in a hotel when they visit.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I would encourage you to be as loving and nurturing as possible. She needs to feel safe with you.

At the same time, I think you need to consider explaining to friends and relatives why she is the way she is. Transparency is healing, even if a little challenging. It also builds trust.


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## Bob Davis (Nov 5, 2014)

Awesome.

And thank you for the quote and book reference.



jld said:


> I would encourage you to be as loving and nurturing as possible. She needs to feel safe with you.
> 
> At the same time, I think you need to consider explaining to friends and relatives why she is the way she is. Transparency is healing, even if a little challenging. It also builds trust.


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## lexxi (May 30, 2015)

rockonrichi33 said:


> She said that if grandparents lived nearby, that she would only be comfortable to let them babysit 4 times a year. My grandparents watched me almost everyday when I was a child....and I am so very grateful. She said she would rather hire a stranger from a company (and pay them) then let grandparents babysit. Is this normal? Or am I the one outta line here?


Given that we can only hear your side of the story it is really difficult to tell if she is being unreasonable. BUT. I will give you my thoughts. I can actually really sympathize with your wife on the babysitting issue. My husband insisted on having his parents watch our son and I wanted to use a daycare. 

My reasons were this: I didn't feel that his parents should be put out like that. They shouldn't have to drop everything to watch our son. Also, I wanted CLEAR roles defined. His mother felt that she always knew best when it came to raising children and ignored anything I wanted. I loved the idea of paying someone because they are an employee and are required to do what I ask. So if I say I want him to drink my bottled breastmilk, I knew they would follow orders and not give him goatsmilk instead because according to her my breastmilk upset his stomach. 

I still don't have a good relationship with my MIL because she is controlling and always tries to parent my child. I ended up quitting my job since my husband didnt want daycare and I didnt want his mother. 

Try and see her side on this. Maybe she has good reasons for not wanting to have them babysit. and in regards to the family & friends staying over. I agree, they should be allowed to stay with you, but always always always put yourself in her shoes. Would you want her family/friends around you all the time? If the answer is no, then try to compromise and don't ask more of her than you would want to do.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Your wife is taking care of a toddler. It's a bit much to expect her to play host to out of town guests and clean up after them and provide them meals. Keeping a child safe and entertained is hard enough without having to do it for guests.

I don't have a toddler and I still hate having overnight guests. I also get hotel rooms when traveling to see family & friends.


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