# Kids schedules, and dating parents



## knowfiguy (Mar 13, 2014)

This may be a little long winded but I'm looking for some feedback from divorced parents with kids(3 & 5 years old).

My ex and I are going through a divorce currently. She works retail, so she has a sporadic work schedule. Where as mines a standard M-F 9-5. We have joint custody so I we each have the kids 3-4 days a week. The schedule changes weekly unfortunately. She's been dating for a few months, and I recently have myself also.

On the few days a week that I don't have the kids I've started making plans. I've sat in my apartment by myself for long enough. needless to say when the kids asked if they could stay at Dad's house tonight I had made plans already( did cancel them so the kids could come over like they asked). I was vilified by my ex for blowing off my kids and not putting them first. I've only been seeing this girl for 2 weeks now, so my ex is also throwing that in my face as selfish that I wasn't eager to cancel my plans the second the kids asked. She asked for Divorce and now that its affecting the kids the way I told her it would, she takes the moral high road and hammers on me.

Am I in the wrong here? I feel like the couple days the kids aren't with me if I have plans I shouldn't be expected to always cancel on a whim. I wouldn't expect the same of her. The kids days are scheduled for a reason, If the kids asked about going to moms I just let them know her days coming up shortly. Or that shes working, etc. I don't need to put her on the spot to look bad in front of the kids like she did to me today.

Looking for some input/advice. Thanks!


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

You're right. She's wrong.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

In the years I've been divorced, I follow the access schedule religiously and would recommend that any newly divorced parent do the same.

There's not a whole heck of a lot you can do about her badmouthing you, its what bitter people often do...just ignore her and worry about being the best parent you can be when the kids are with you.

Stick to verifiable communication (email), limit it to what's relevant (parenting matters only), ignore all insults and taunts (stay polite) and eventually you'll get to a habitual method of dealing with this stuff.

You have every right to go out and date and socialize when you're off parenting time. Enjoy your single life!


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## knowfiguy (Mar 13, 2014)

Thanks! Its nice to hear someone who agrees with me. She believes I need to be even more flexible then I am already. So if they kids decide on a whim they want to come to my house I should be available. Its crazy. Don't get me wrong I love my kids to death, but I also don't want to be held hostage waiting around the days I don't have them either.

Guess it will just take some more time to develop into a rhythm.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

> She believes I need to be even more flexible then I am already. So if they kids decide on a whim they want to come to my house I should be available. Its crazy. Don't get me wrong I love my kids to death, but I also don't want to be held hostage waiting around the days I don't have them either.


That's unreasonable and it assumes that you have no life....which may be why she wants it to be that way.

The good news is that what she thinks and wants doesn't really matter anymore. You have a parenting schedule and your obligation is to stick to it. If you want to..and I'm not suggesting you necessarily "should" do this...but you could also suggest to her that if she wants to change something, that she provide you with reasonable notice (ie, 48 hours, so you check your availability).



> Guess it will just take some more time to develop into a rhythm.


Yea it takes a while for things to settle down. It helps if you set really clear boundaries right up front and stick to a set of rules and behaviors. And just ignore the irrelevant stuff rather than to react to it. 

I ignored pages and pages of heated emails at the beginning of my divorce. My ex eventually learned not to bother.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

knowfiguy said:


> Thanks! Its nice to hear someone who agrees with me. She believes I need to be even more flexible then I am already. So if they kids decide on a whim they want to come to my house I should be available. Its crazy. Don't get me wrong I love my kids to death, but I also don't want to be held hostage waiting around the days I don't have them either.
> 
> Guess it will just take some more time to develop into a rhythm.


You're being perfectly reasonable and sound more than flexible in accommodating her unpredictable retail schedule. You deserve to have a life.


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## knowfiguy (Mar 13, 2014)

Today she had the kids ask over the phone today. So of course it put me on the spot when they asked to come. She says she didn't know the kids would ask, but she's lied to me before about dumb things. We proceeded to argue about it for an hour via text. 

Finally I told her that neither of us should be treated like a criminal if we have commitments and the kids happen to want to go to the other parents that night. I want her to run it by me, rather then have the kids think that some date of mine is more important than the kids. Which is what they felt this morning thanks to her.


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## knowfiguy (Mar 13, 2014)

SecondTime'Round said:


> You're being perfectly reasonable and sound more than flexible in accommodating her unpredictable retail schedule. You deserve to have a life.


I thought so myself. The kids schedule is completely dictated by her work schedule. I let her set the weekly schedule, and take the days I'm given. This also affords her the ability to build in her own dates she to do personal things if she wanted. Where as I just make my life work around hers. 

I didn't feel like it was too much to ask to have my days non kids days stay like that IF i happen to have plans. The last thing I need is my kids thinking I don't want them to come to my house.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

knowfiguy said:


> I thought so myself. The kids schedule is completely dictated by her work schedule. I let her set the weekly schedule, and take the days I'm given. This also affords her the ability to build in her own dates she to do personal things if she wanted. Where as I just make my life work around hers.
> 
> I didn't feel like it was too much to ask to have my days non kids days stay like that IF i happen to have plans. * The last thing I need is my kids thinking I don't want them to come to my house.*


Of course you don't, and of course you adore your kids. You can't control what she says about you to them. You can only control how excited you are to see them, how engaged you are, etc. (Do as I say, not as I feel since I have a good bit of parental alienation happening to me!  ) 

Your ex wife needs to respect the schedule set at the beginning of each week. Period.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

> We proceeded to argue about it for an hour via text.


I'd stop doing this right away.

I can honestly tell you that since I got divorced I've had zero (none, zip) verbal communication with my ex and only respond to/by email and then only if its about relevant parenting issues.

I don't have conversations or fights of any kind with my ex. We have a parenting schedule and anything else, he can email me about unless its a dire emergency. When you're divorced, you want to have as little conversation as possible. Stay out of text fights or any other such nonsense. You need to have reasonable communication with the kids but understand that if she starts using the kids as a weapon against you during these conversations...you're going to have to have rules about that too.

I think you guys just need to stick to the schedule and not deviate and you need to re-iterate that through email to her. You are divorced...You have a schedule....done.

One other thing to consider is that if you meet the right person, you're going to want to have the rules firmly established and in place because conflict often increases when you add a significant other. And you don't want to cause problems with any new relationship you're starting by not having your ex and the parenting schedule not nailed tight.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Does your ex have any family around or anyone to babysit if she has to work? I ask because you're going to find it pretty annoying to never be able to plan anything 2 months out because you don't know if you'll have your kids on that day....and any future partner will find that annoying as well. A set and predictable schedule benefits all parties.


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## knowfiguy (Mar 13, 2014)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Does your ex have any family around or anyone to babysit if she has to work? I ask because you're going to find it pretty annoying to never be able to plan anything 2 months out because you don't know if you'll have your kids on that day....and any future partner will find that annoying as well. A set and predictable schedule benefits all parties.


She lives about an hour away from her own family, but we both live near my Mom and Grandparents who are happy to watch the kids when necessary.

With that said IF she ever needed something changed and I had plans already I know for a fact she would hammer me into the ground for putting (Insert person/activity) over my kids. 

Side note: When she says that it drives me nuts, considering she wanted the divorce and knew what she was signing up for when it comes to affecting the kids. Talk about putting the kids first...


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## knowfiguy (Mar 13, 2014)

EnigmaGirl said:


> I don't have conversations or fights of any kind with my ex. We have a parenting schedule and anything else, he can email me about unless its a dire emergency. When you're divorced, you want to have as little conversation as possible. Stay out of text fights or any other such nonsense. You need to have reasonable communication with the kids but understand that if she starts using the kids as a weapon against you during these conversations...you're going to have to have rules about that too.


I need to get better about this. I talk to my kids daily, so they know that I'm there for them.



EnigmaGirl said:


> I think you guys just need to stick to the schedule and not deviate and you need to re-iterate that through email to her. You are divorced...You have a schedule....done.
> 
> One other thing to consider is that if you meet the right person, you're going to want to have the rules firmly established and in place because conflict often increases when you add a significant other. And you don't want to cause problems with any new relationship you're starting by not having your ex and the parenting schedule not nailed tight.


I agree here 100%. She was able to find out that the girl I was suppose to see tonight, we'd already hung out a few times this week. Well in my ex's eyes, "You've already seen her x times this week". Then because I have a 9-5 job its considering a "luxury" to her, and she doesn't have as much free time as I do. Frankly that's not my problem, but yet it still seems to matter to her.

Get a new job, if you want more free time on the days the kids are with me.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

knowfiguy said:


> Thanks! Its nice to hear someone who agrees with me. She believes I need to be even more flexible then I am already. So if they kids decide on a whim they want to come to my house I should be available. Its crazy. Don't get me wrong I love my kids to death, but I also don't want to be held hostage waiting around the days I don't have them either.
> 
> Guess it will just take some more time to develop into a rhythm.


"If you want to change the custody arrangement so I have them full-time, or 70/30, let's have that conversation. If you want to have a guaranteed babysitter for when it's convenient for you, remember that we divorced for a reason. I'm not married to you any more. I don't have to drop my plans because you have better things to do, or can't plan ahead."


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

marduk said:


> "If you want to change the custody arrangement so I have them full-time, or 70/30, let's have that conversation. If you want to have a guaranteed babysitter for when it's convenient for you, remember that we divorced for a reason. I'm not married to you any more. I don't have to drop my plans because you have better things to do, or can't plan ahead."


This. Turn the threat into an opportunity.

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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Out of curiosity how do you guys know that each other is dating? You'd be far happier if you limited your interactions to only talking about the kids. My advice to you is if she asks any personal questions just tell her that you don't feel comfortable having those discussions with her anymore because you are divorcing, and leave it at that. The only way my XWW knows how my dating life is going is by sneaking over when I'm not home and snooping (e.g. she went into my house and counted my condoms last week when I was at work), which is pretty damn pathetic and will be addressed shortly.


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## Threeblessings (Sep 23, 2015)

Although you are almost divorced it seems to me that your wife hasn't quite accepted the changes going forward. If you were still together, there wouldn't be an issue. I would politely remind her in an email about the arrangement, you don't have to justify anything to her. Also, my STBX knows that I won't cover for him when he makes arrangements with his skank because he lies about it and says things like I have to work this night or that day.....so instead he turns to his mother and our kids get dumped with her for a night during his week so he can be with his skank.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Threeblessings said:


> Although you are almost divorced it seems to me that your wife hasn't quite accepted the changes going forward. If you were still together, there wouldn't be an issue. I would politely remind her in an email about the arrangement, you don't have to justify anything to her.


Ya, I'm sure it's just a coincidence that it's a problem when he had plans with another woman.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Bananapeel said:


> she went into my house and counted my condoms last week


Omg! How did you find this out?? Did you install the cameras?


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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

knowfiguy said:


> I need to get better about this. I talk to my kids daily, so they know that I'm there for them.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



How does she know you're seeing someone? She's your X so she has no business dictating how many times you get to see your date. 

She's controlling.


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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

Bananapeel said:


> (e.g. she went into my house and counted my condoms last week when I was at work), which is pretty damn pathetic and will be addressed shortly.



Who does that? She's got issues.


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## SawbladeLily (Oct 26, 2013)

Another thing to point out is that your kids are only 3 and 5. They also need to learn limits and a set routine is best for kids. They need to know the expectations and that things don't change on a whim. Otherwise they will learn very quickly when they are unhappy with one parent telling them to do something or not letting them do something… they will want to call the other parent. It's not good to uproot kids on a whim. At least not consistently. They need limits and boundaries, as does your EX! Don't engage. Period.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Why is she allowed in your house?

Why are you engaging her in arguments over text?

Why are you not acting like a divorced man and getting on with your life, without fear of what she or your children will think?

If you have set time with your kids, you have set time with your kids. I'm sorry, but kids are going to think what they'll think. It'll be much better for them in the long run if they have STABILITY. Random changes don't affect children all that well, because they are not mature enough to adapt to change well when young. Having unplanned visits with you is going to set the standard that you can drop everything to cater to them. Then, when something happens where you CAN'T make the adjustment, you'll be a "****head."

Adapting is something we either learn to accept (or not, as the case may be, when our lives don't go through much change).

You have a LIFE, and she has a LIFE. You are permitted to live that life how you see fit, within the guidelines of your agreement. As long as you are spending what time you can (or has been designated) with your kids and making that time meaningful and engaging, who gives a rats what your ex thinks or what she does. If she can't stick to the agreement, it can always be negotiated, as Marduk suggested. Let her known you're more than happy to set a new standard in place if the current is not working for her.

Some amount of flexibility is to be expected in this kind of arrangement, but a schedule is there for a reason. I think you should be documenting and writing down all the times you have adjusted the schedule for your ex, and the times that you actually have said "no" because you had other plans in place and it was NOT per the schedule. You can only be expected to follow the schedule laid out for you, with the occasional allowance for emergencies or other unpredictable events. You are not, however, obligated to run through hoops with the passive threat looming over your head of parental alienation.

Learn to say no. Just my two cents.


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## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

You have your own life to lead as well and I do not feel that you did anything wrong. You made a schedule with the kids for the week and the days that you do not have them then make plans! How is she allowed to date on her days off but not you? Remind her of that if you need to. If it’s an emergency then yeah cancel your plans and tend to the kids…but if it isn’t, then you can see them when it’s your day(s) for them.


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