# Just found out husband has 16 yr old we never knew about



## frostytink (Jun 5, 2014)

My husband and I have been together for 19 years, and were just married about a year ago. We have definitely had our ups and downs, and fair share of betrayals. However, this most recent discovery has been very hard to take. A few months back my husband was served with paperwork naming him the father of a 16 yr old girl. He hid this from me until one day i got the mail only to discover a subpeona to submit for DNA testing. Long story short he was hiding it because he was scared i would want a divorce, and yes he is the father. He claims it was a 1 night stand 17 yrs ago drunk at a party..of course he was cheating. Turns out the kid lives 15 minutes away from us and our own 2 kids, and has been in the custody of her grandparents for most of her life since her mom is a complete waste. My problem here is that I am completely crushed! I am angry, and resentful and feel like the cheating and lies just happened yesterday. He met her for the 1st time tonight and is feeling relieved and i think excited to know her. He feels bad for the way her life has been. My kids dont even know what to think, and i feel like a part of him is leaving me and our family. The distance between us seems like a chasm, and all we are doing is fighting. After knowing about this for 4 months he just now asked me tonight if i wanted to know her. Am i that insignificant to him, that this finally occurs to him now? Where is my place in all this? I feel betrayed, abandoned and broken! I feel like he has taken my family away from me and there is nothing to do about it. I feel completely left out and separate from him, as if he is a stranger. I know he is doing what he has to do, but I feel like our family and marriage are just the roadkill as he rides off into this new part of his life.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You are definitely very raw emotionally. That's pretty much to be expected with all that is going on .

Who sued? The mother or the grandparents? Why did they wait so long? What's changed?

You sound extremely depressed. You might want to see a doctor to get something to help you thorough this. 

I think that MC (marriage counseling) would be a very good idea for you and your husband. There is a lot to work through no matter the outcome here.

How is he riding off into the part of his life? He's still with you, right? He's still the father of your children. This girl is 16. She's not going to be around much.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

I'm sorry this has happened to you, it can't be easy for you or your kids at all and even for your husband this can't be easy.

I won't comment on his infidelity except to say I know how much it hurts when it happens to you, since it happened to me a lifetime ago.

I don't think you can necessarily expect your husband to leave you and your family. I expect to a degree he like you will be in a state of shock even if hen knew about her long before.

It is okay for you not to be pleased about this and to feel threatened by this. My wife knew I had a daughter from a previous marriage when we started dating 18 years ago. For her it was more surreal than real since unless the ex wanted something outside of child support like a name change for example I had no physical contact with my daughter after she was 3 which was a few years before I met my wife.

Anyway to cut a long story short we established contact when she was 18 and our kids where 9 and 6 during 2009, they learnt they had an 18 year old sister they had never heard of.

Although my wife felt our family may have been threatened by her she actually agreed to facilitate a meeting between her and our children. Unfortunately she behaved very badly and my wife decided she was not going to do accept that ever again.

Contact after that for our kids was of all things via Skype for a period, before it ceased.

Although I would like to say it all turned out well, I have to say so far it hasn't. Our kids don't think she likes them, they likewise don't think she has been very nice. Our kids are no longer in contact with her at all and I only contact her via Facebook twice a year since as it stands anything more than that is so far not welcome.

As it stands my priority is to my wife and our children today. Rightly or wrongly since she is now an adult, my wife and younger children have to come first.

You shouldn't feel that he will destroy your family for her, he has a relationship with all of you, where he doesn't with his newly found daughter who until recently has been estranged. So in reality they really can't be very close at the moment.

I gave up fighting for my oldest daughter when she was three when I could no longer afford the dollars required to pay for legal assistance. So I let the ex win hoping that when my daughter turned 18 I could pick things up again. Unfortunately that opportunity passed without success, so we remain strangers.

I do hope he keeps you informed as to what he is intending to do and what he feels about this circumstance.

One other thing to consider is at first I was happy when we reestablished contact yet at that time I didn't even consider that my wife would be hostile to such an event. Though she wished us well she couldn't help but feel threatened by it.

The good thing is she expressed her feelings on this to me. So from that point on I was mindful of her needs and our family's needs throughout that time.

I'm sorry I don't have any great advice to share except to say you and your husband really need to communicate openly with each other about this without fear of hurting each others feelings.

All the best.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

This is very tough, I know from experience.
Disaster written all over it.
Sorry this has happened after all those years.

When I was a teenager I had liked a girl , she liked me and later we found out we had the same father.

Apart from this, how was the marriage?
There are some things to consider.
Firstly , there is the cheating aspect. That's why I believe in 100% transparency between couples. He thought that no one would know , and yet 17 years after, the truth came in the mailbox.

Then there is the child who is a living reminder of his infidelity , and all those years he lied to you. 
You would feel like your marriage was a sham. It is difficult not to feel that way , you would have lots of unanswerable questions.

Based on what you said above, he appears to be a bit insensitive and nonchalant about it.
I suggest you take some time by yourself and come to terms with this new reality.
Forgiveness is key for healing to begin.
But forgiveness and your personal healing doesn't automatically mean that you must accept this change in the dynamic of your relationship.
If you think you can't live with it , then divorce and starting anew might be an option. 
If you feel it is worth a try , then forgive and give it your all . The road to reconciliation is sometimes a long and hard road , but sometimes the rewards at the end is greater than the beginning.

But whatever you choose , seek personal counseling first.


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## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

One day my wife told me that my 20 year old twins were not mine. 

That's a long time to hold onto it and live with it. She saw the faces of her children and knew they weren't mine from newborn onward. I don't care about them any less, but it still hits me when I see them now and then... that they don't know, and I don't want them to know, because, well, they may feel betrayed by their own mother. I had reasons to suspect, as well. Here's the lesson... People can and will sometimes let you down, betray trust. It isn't fatal, and you can choose how you deal with it - it IS up to you. 

I also have to point out that you two mutually refused to make the full marriage commitment for a long time. But you feel betrayed as if you had. You expected (and seem to be expecting) from him, what you both of you did not commit to until much, much later.


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## frostytink (Jun 5, 2014)

The state that we live in is who moved this forward after all these years. I dont know all the details, but apparently they had his name all along, but in the end was never contacted. At this time the DHS is only going for current support, not back pay tho the money aspect of this is the least of my worries.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

I know it hurts.....deeply....BUT

If you have a great husband today and he has been trust worthy and loyal to you......>I think you should embrace this situation and welcome this child into your family.

You said it yourself, you both had your share of betrayal in the past. Write this off as one of them with a consequence.

Again, ALL under assumption that he has been a great husband MOST of those 18 years (and currently is).

It doesn't really matter what happened in the past, what matters is what happens now and in the future!

Good luck


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## frostytink (Jun 5, 2014)

oldgeezer said:


> One day my wife told me that my 20 year old twins were not mine.
> 
> That's a long time to hold onto it and live with it. She saw the faces of her children and knew they weren't mine from newborn onward. I don't care about them any less, but it still hits me when I see them now and then... that they don't know, and I don't want them to know, because, well, they may feel betrayed by their own mother. I had reasons to suspect, as well. Here's the lesson... People can and will sometimes let you down, betray trust. It isn't fatal, and you can choose how you deal with it - it IS up to you.
> 
> I also have to point out that you two mutually refused to make the full marriage commitment for a long time. But you feel betrayed as if you had. You expected (and seem to be expecting) from him, what you both of you did not commit to until much, much later.


The lack of a full marriage commitment was most definitely something we both were on board with, but not for the reason you may think. Both of us come from pretty broken homes, neither one of us ever saw a good one, and just didnt feel the need for "a piece of paper" to make our commitment real. That being said, the decision to marry was not taken lightly. This particular instance is most certainly not the only time cheating (on both our parts) occurred in the early years of our relationship. It has been a very rocky road, but at some point we said we would come clean on what we had done in the past, and move forward afresh. Not only was this not on his list of wrong doing, but then when this child came to light he still tried to hide it from me.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

frostytink said:


> The lack of a full marriage commitment was most definitely something we both were on board with, but not for the reason you may think. Both of us come from pretty broken homes, neither one of us ever saw a good one, and just didnt feel the need for "a piece of paper" to make our commitment real. That being said, the decision to marry was not taken lightly. This particular instance is most certainly not the only time cheating (on both our parts) occurred in the early years of our relationship.


Sounds like you guys got together young? 

This seems almost identical to my situation. We both came from broken homes and had our issues during younger years.

I think that's just occurs by nature. Young/stupid and completely ignorant.



frostytink said:


> It has been a very rocky road, but at some point we said we would come clean on what we had done in the past, and move forward afresh. Not only was this not on his list of wrong doing, but then when this child came to light he still tried to hide it from me.


Keep in mind he didn't know of this child. How can he come clean about something he doesn't know about?



You should also assume and probably know that both of you probably didn't share ALL of the details (and that's fine too).

As long as you both learned/cleaned up your act and made it work....that's all that matters.

No point on dwelling on early adult years and the past. Leave it where it belongs, in the past.


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## frostytink (Jun 5, 2014)

intheory said:


> Emotionally speaking, this scenario is the female equivalent of a man finding out that his children are not his own. It's not exactly the same in every precise detail; but it's got to be as close as it gets.
> 
> frostytink; does he now owe 16 years of back child support? Ouch! Or, will it be just the next 1-2 years until the girl turns 18? Still, quite a $ impact.
> 
> ...


I absolutely do not hold anything against this girl She is innocent and only wants to know her dad. Perhaps i would/could embrace her if i felt i was a part of this, but my husband continues to leave me out of it and disregard my feelings. She seems like a nice kid, my husband says she is very shy, but has her head on straight and seems to be on the right path.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

frostytink said:


> I absolutely do not hold anything against this girl She is innocent and only wants to know her dad. Perhaps i would/could embrace her if i felt i was a part of this, but my husband continues to leave me out of it and disregard my feelings. She seems like a nice kid, my husband says she is very shy, but has her head on straight and seems to be on the right path.


Clearly your husband is affraid of your reaction around her and assumes you might explode.

If you are willing to accept this and embrace it, once you communicate that to him and show it to him, expect above to change and he will include you I'm sure.

Remember, he is going through A LOT himself right now. Finding out you have a 16 year old child that's been hidden from you can't possibly be easy.

This is the time where you support him.

2 things can happen here. 

1. Things blow up and you just won't accept it and the marriage will end

2. you accept this and embrace it, this will make your marriage/relationship so much stronger/better (IMO).

The choice is yours, but don't expect him including you until he know for sure that you won't go insane when you meet her and knows that you accept it.

I have a feeling you gave him opposite impression thus his "exclusion" of you.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

DoF said:


> As long as you both learned/cleaned up your act and made it work....that's all that matters.
> 
> No point on dwelling on early adult years and the past. Leave it where it belongs, in the past.


Sorry, but what is the basis for this? He lied at least once 17 years ago, kept up that lie, and when hit with a DNA test request, lied some more.

He may well have had only one slip, but we have no reason to believe him at this point. I think it is unproductive to tell her to just ignore his cheating.

To the OP - you life has just been turned upside down. You now wonder about most of your marriage and what other secrets he may be hiding. All of that is totally normal.

You will also go through lots of conflicting emotions. One moment you want to save things and the next you want to throttle him. Again, completely normal.

So take your time and work through what you want. Counselling may be helpful, both individually and marriage counselling.

Do you have children? If so, how many and what ages? How as your marriage before? Any issues or red flags that make you believe this was not an isolated incident?


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## frostytink (Jun 5, 2014)

Personal said:


> I'm sorry this has happened to you, it can't be easy for you or your kids at all and even for your husband this can't be easy.
> 
> I won't comment on his infidelity except to say I know how much it hurts when it happens to you, since it happened to me a lifetime ago.
> 
> ...


I am sorry for your bad experience. It sounds like such a heartwrenching situation for you to have lost your child over and over again.
I am trying to communicate about all of this with my husband but he is having a hard time reciprocating. He feels bad for causing me all this pain but yet wants me to just be over it like its no big deal. Maybe its not right but i feel like hes abandoning us, and leaving us out of this new huge part of his life but on the flip side if he wasnt open to having a relationship with this girl i would think he was a pile a crap. I guess maybe i feel a little left behind and like im not as big a part of him since im no longer the only one who carried his child.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

You weren't married to him when this child was conceived. It would be different if you were married. Yes he cheated but you were just dating at the time. I too would be upset that he has kept this from me if I was in your shoes. He had to have know if would come out and you would find out. Your only choices are to accept this child and forgive your husband or divorce. It sounds like you too have been together for long time, if you still love him you need to forgive him, and stop being angry and fighting and continue your marriage. Just because he has this child now doesn't mean you can't still be married to him.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Sorry, but what is the basis for this? He lied at least once 17 years ago, kept up that lie, and when hit with a DNA test request, lied some more.


She already knew that there was betrayal back then. I don't see that as lying....she accepted it (it seems).

Fact that it resulted in a child, which he didn't know about......doesn't really change anything. 



Tall Average Guy said:


> He may well have had only one slip, but we have no reason to believe him at this point. I think it is unproductive to tell her to just ignore his cheating.


She already knew about the slip and chances are the slip happened at a VERY young age.


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## frostytink (Jun 5, 2014)

DoF said:


> Clearly your husband is affraid of your reaction around her and assumes you might explode.
> 
> If you are willing to accept this and embrace it, once you communicate that to him and show it to him, expect above to change and he will include you I'm sure.
> 
> ...


The concept of me actually having anything to do with her/this has never even been brought up until last night after he met her and her grandparents. and that only happened after i expressed how left out and excluded from his life i felt. I am not the explosive type, i grin and bare it, and he knows i would never want this girl to feel any worse than she already does. I told him not to tell her or her grandparents that he was actually cheating on me when this occurred in order to protect her feelings.


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## frostytink (Jun 5, 2014)

DoF said:


> She already knew that there was betrayal back then. I don't see that as lying....she accepted it (it seems).
> 
> Fact that it resulted in a child, which he didn't know about......doesn't really change anything.
> 
> ...


To clarify i was aware that there had been some cheating when we were young, however i did not know about his relationship with this particular girl. So it is something new that i have discovered, though i realize it was a lifetime ago


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

frostytink said:


> My husband and I have been together for 19 years, and were just married about a year ago. We have definitely had our ups and downs, and fair share of betrayals. However, this most recent discovery has been very hard to take. A few months back my husband was served with paperwork naming him the father of a 16 yr old girl. He hid this from me until one day i got the mail only to discover a subpeona to submit for DNA testing. Long story short he was hiding it because he was scared i would want a divorce, and yes he is the father. He claims it was a 1 night stand 17 yrs ago drunk at a party..of course he was cheating. Turns out the kid lives 15 minutes away from us and our own 2 kids, and has been in the custody of her grandparents for most of her life since her mom is a complete waste. My problem here is that I am completely crushed! I am angry, and resentful and feel like the cheating and lies just happened yesterday. He met her for the 1st time tonight and is feeling relieved and i think excited to know her. He feels bad for the way her life has been. My kids dont even know what to think, and i feel like a part of him is leaving me and our family. The distance between us seems like a chasm, and all we are doing is fighting. After knowing about this for 4 months he just now asked me tonight if i wanted to know her. Am i that insignificant to him, that this finally occurs to him now? Where is my place in all this? I feel betrayed, abandoned and broken! I feel like he has taken my family away from me and there is nothing to do about it. I feel completely left out and separate from him, as if he is a stranger. I know he is doing what he has to do, but I feel like our family and marriage are just the roadkill as he rides off into this new part of his life.


My 24 year old daughter is about to move in with her boyfriend. I have always maintained that there is no solid commitment outside of marriage. If you're not married the commitment to fidelity cannot be expected. BOTTOM LINE TRUTH.

You weren't married at the time.

But he lied about something vital, having a child. The kind of lie that gets bigger and bigger with each passing day, 5,840 days roughly. Even worse, in my book, he abandoned his child!

My question is, why are you being so passive about this addition to your family? She is not a subtraction, but an addition. Why have you waited for him to ask you to get to know her? Why haven't you been proactive in finding ways to include her as the step daughter and half sibling to your family?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

frostytink said:


> The concept of me actually having anything to do with her/this has never even been brought up until last night after he met her and her grandparents.


he JUST met his daughter he didn't know about last night. Give him time to get to know her and absorb all this. And even if it wasn't his first time meeting them.....it's going to require TIME IMO.

Don't just jump into it WITH him. All you can do is make up your mind and figure out if you accept this or not.

If not > leave/get divorce

If you accept it > communicate it to him and embrace it.

And if you do accept it, tell him that you would love to meet her/get to know her.

He simply doesn't want any drama/you going craze in front of her. He would NOT want to show his daughter (or her grandparents) ANY sign of instability in current relationship.



frostytink said:


> and that only happened after i expressed how left out and excluded from his life i felt. I am not the explosive type, i grin and bare it, and he knows i would never want this girl to feel any worse than she already does. I told him not to tell her or her grandparents that he was actually cheating on me when this occurred in order to protect her feelings.


Understandable


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> But he lied about something vital, having a child. The kind of lie that gets bigger and bigger with each passing day, 5,840 days roughly. Even worse, in my book, he abandoned his child!


Hold on a second. I was under the impression that he just found out himself and in time would share with OP this info. OP just happened to run into it herself prior to that.

OP, did he know about this child for years or did he just find out?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

frostytink said:


> To clarify i was aware that there had been some cheating when we were young, however i did not know about his relationship with this particular girl. So it is something new that i have discovered, though i realize it was a lifetime ago


That's expected. He lied then when he opened up he lied a bit more and didn't tell you EVERYTHING.

Assuming you guys were in teens/early 20s.....this is typical/normal behavior.

Is there things that he doesn't know about you from around that time? 

You see?


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## frostytink (Jun 5, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> My 24 year old daughter is about to move in with her boyfriend. I have always maintained that there is no solid commitment outside of marriage. If you're not married the commitment to fidelity cannot be expected. BOTTOM LINE TRUTH.
> 
> You weren't married at the time.
> 
> ...


He did not abandon this child, he had no idea she existed until a few months ago, and we only got DNA results a week ago. Their first meeting was last night and i was not invited to be a part of it.


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## frostytink (Jun 5, 2014)

DoF said:


> Hold on a second. I was under the impression that he just found out himself and in time would share with OP this info. OP just happened to run into it herself prior to that.
> 
> OP, did he know about this child for years or did he just find out?


we only got DNA confirmation last week...up until recently he had no idea this child existed.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

frostytink said:


> we only got DNA confirmation last week...up until recently he had no idea this child existed.


Good, that's what I thought.

So many posters here are completely wrong by assuming that he knew about this child all along.

he needs space right now to absorb all this and get to know the child that has been withdrawn from his life. 

Fact that he met her tells me he is a great father and willing to take on this responsibility.

he is a good man

You just have to think about your end and if you are willing to accept this or move on.

DO NOT feel excluded THIS early into his relationship with his new found daughter. It's WAY too early.

If you stay....well, I don't want to repeat myself for the 10th time (refer to my posts above).

But expect to be included SOON (if you stay and communicate your acceptance/desire to meet her/be part of her life).

Also expect your love in your relationship to grow from all this.....and have a much stronger marriage.

Just putting myself in your husband's shoes here. If my wife accepted/stayed and wanted to be part of my new found child's life.....I would probably break into tears and love her SO much more because of it.

That would be a priceless moment right there. And we know for SURE that his emotions are running high right now.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> My 24 year old daughter is about to move in with her boyfriend. I have always maintained that there is no solid commitment outside of marriage. If you're not married the commitment to fidelity cannot be expected. BOTTOM LINE TRUTH.
> 
> You weren't married at the time.


I respectfully disagree.

If someone cannot make a commitment to be faithful and sexually exclusive to their partner before marriage, then realistically , their partner can't expect them to be faithful to any commitment after marriage.

Human beings are creatures of habit.

In the case of the OP, her husband lied by omission before marriage, and continued lying to her for almost 17 years after marriage.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Caribbean Man said:


> I respectfully disagree.
> 
> If someone cannot make a commitment to be faithful and sexually exclusive to their partner before marriage, then realistically , their partner can't expect them to be faithful to any commitment after marriage.
> 
> ...


Re read OP posts, you have it wrong as many other posters do as well.

he did NOT know about this child until recently.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

DoF said:


> Re read OP posts, you have it wrong as many other posters do as well.
> 
> he did NOT know about this child until recently.


I know that he didn't know about the kid, lol.

But he still had sex with another woman and never told his partner for almost 16 years.

That is a lie by omission.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Caribbean Man said:


> I know that he didn't know about the kid, lol.
> 
> But he still had sex with another woman and never told his partner for almost 16 years.
> 
> That is a lie by omission.


They both had cheating in their past and moved on/accepted it.

Does it really matter WHO it was with or details of it all? 

What's next, should she leave him because she found out that he lied to her about intercourse only but not the blow job?

Look, they were young and at that age, I'm sure he lied a bit as much as she did. Just the nature of things. Hard to expect 100% total honest at late teens/early 20s.....just not too realistic.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

frostytink said:


> He did not abandon this child, he had no idea she existed until a few months ago, and we only got DNA results a week ago. Their first meeting was last night and i was not invited to be a part of it.


Sorry, my mistake. I thought he always knew just didn't have any contact with her.

But he has known for 4 months and only last night met her? If I found out my husband had a child, after the long discussion regarding the future of our marriage, the first thing I would ask for would be to meet her. But I would expect that the first few meeting would be just father and daughter. If she lived in the same town, it sure as hell wouldn't take 4 months!

The point I'm making is the general passivity in these events. 

What do YOU want? Do you want your marriage to survive? Then you have to make room for this child in your heart.

What can YOU do? Encourage him to meet her more often and get to know her. As soon as she is comfortable she should meet you. And then when she is comfortable with you, she should meet your kids, her half siblings.

She was raised by grandparents who are probably old and getting worn out and would like to enjoy their retirement. They probably would also like some financial assistance.

She wasn't raised by her mother, so you can become the mother if you open your heart to her, make her feel like a wanted part of your family. By doing this you also save your marriage because now that your husband knows he has a child, he needs to be a stand up father to her and that means insisting she become a cherished member of your family.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Caribbean Man said:


> I respectfully disagree.
> 
> If someone cannot make a commitment to be faithful and sexually exclusive to their partner before marriage, then realistically , their partner can't expect them to be faithful to any commitment after marriage.
> 
> ...


They've only been married for a year. Seems they both had some growing up to do before they were really ready to take on the commitment of marriage.

There is a huge difference between being exclusive and being married!


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

DoF said:


> She already knew that there was betrayal back then. I don't see that as lying....she accepted it (it seems).
> 
> Fact that it resulted in a child, which he didn't know about......doesn't really change anything.
> 
> ...


She says she did not know. From her other post:



> It has been a very rocky road, but at some point we said we would come clean on what we had done in the past, and move forward afresh. Not only was this not on his list of wrong doing, but then when this child came to light he still tried to hide it from me.


His deception is calling into question their history together. That she wonders about what other lies are out there, in view of his yet again lying, is reasonable and to be expected.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> They've only been married for a year. Seems they both had some growing up to do before they were really ready to take on the commitment of marriage.
> 
> There is a huge difference between being exclusive and being married!


I will have to disagree with you and go with CarMan here.

HOWEVER, I think a young age would play a HUGE part in this. I know it's not an excuse but teens/young adults are simply not "all" there just yet and mistakes WILL be made.

Guess how I know, wife and I starter rather early as well and we went through our share of complete stupidity......from BOTH of us. We were just too stupid/ignorant and our parents simply didn't teach us well (came from broken homes) so we had to figure things out ourselves/learn the hard way.


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## frostytink (Jun 5, 2014)

DoF said:


> Good, that's what I thought.
> 
> So many posters here are completely wrong by assuming that he knew about this child all along.
> 
> ...


I feel excluded because he hasnt involved me at all. He hid the initial court papers, then tip toed around the truth of what happened all those years ago. He does not really volunteer much info to me about what is going on or what anyones expectations are, i have to ask the right questions in order to get any info, and then he yells at me for sharing my feelings with him. Not once in the past 4 months of him knowing that this could be his child has he asked me if i want to be a part of it.He explicitly did not want me going with him to take the DNA test. We have been together for 19 years i dont deserve to be excluded from this huge part of his life.

As to the idea of me having a relationship with her...the ball is in her court as far as who she wants to meet. She is nearly 17 yrs old and has to decide that on her own. The fact that my husband has not brought it up tells me that perhaps she has expressed feelings of not wanting to meet me??? As far as i know she hasnt expressed a want to meet anyone else, of course im not sure because my husband isnt communicating with me. But in the big picture does it matter? After all who am i to her? In this whole circle I seem to be the only outsider looking in and the worst part is im looking in at my own family.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

frostytink said:


> I feel excluded because he hasnt involved me at all. He hid the initial court papers, then tip toed around the truth of what happened all those years ago. He does not really volunteer much info to me about what is going on or what anyones expectations are, i have to ask the right questions in order to get any info, and then he yells at me for sharing my feelings with him. Not once in the past 4 months of him knowing that this could be his child has he asked me if i want to be a part of it.He explicitly did not want me going with him to take the DNA test. We have been together for 19 years i dont deserve to be excluded from this huge part of his life.
> 
> As to the idea of me having a relationship with her...the ball is in her court as far as who she wants to meet. She is nearly 17 yrs old and has to decide that on her own. The fact that my husband has not brought it up tells me that perhaps she has expressed feelings of not wanting to meet me??? As far as i know she hasnt expressed a want to meet anyone else, of course im not sure because my husband isnt communicating with me. But in the big picture does it matter? After all who am i to her? In this whole circle I seem to be the only outsider looking in and the worst part is im looking in at my own family.


I think ALL of your concerns with YOUR HUSBAND are valid and need to be addressed.

he shouldn't yell at you
he shouldn't exclude you
he should be communicating

Talk to him

If anger/frustration appears from you or him, come back to the table when things calm down. DO NOT proceed any communication if those 2 show up!


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## frostytink (Jun 5, 2014)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Sorry, but what is the basis for this? He lied at least once 17 years ago, kept up that lie, and when hit with a DNA test request, lied some more.
> 
> He may well have had only one slip, but we have no reason to believe him at this point. I think it is unproductive to tell her to just ignore his cheating.
> 
> ...


We do have 2 children a 12 yr old girl and a 3 yr old boy. My daughter seems to be handling things OK but i dont think it has sunk in yet, and of course they havnt met or anything. I know i will b attacked for this but i also became pregnant when i was 18, in fact it was within months of this childs birth. We decided together to terminate the pregnancy and though it was the right decision for us at the time i cant help but see what we didnt have in all of this. He gets to get to know his child and ours never was. 
Our relationship was toxic for many years. He finally made a change about 5 years ago when we bought our new home, but trust and respect have always been pretty lacking. He is hot tempered and has a hard time communicating his feelings, and reacts to mine with anger. I just dont know how much pain and humiliation i am supposed to endure in the name of love.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

frostytink said:


> We do have 2 children a 12 yr old girl and a 3 yr old boy. My daughter seems to be handling things OK but i dont think it has sunk in yet, and of course they havnt met or anything. I know i will b attacked for this but i also became pregnant when i was 18, in fact it was within months of this childs birth. We decided together to terminate the pregnancy and though it was the right decision for us at the time i cant help but see what we didnt have in all of this. He gets to get to know his child and ours never was.


I will again suggest counseling for you to work through this. Your feelings are real, but this posts reads that you are blaming him for hypocrisy for a decision that he did not make. That suggests that more is going on here than just the cheating. You will need to address this.



> Our relationship was toxic for many years. He finally made a change about 5 years ago when we bought our new home, but trust and respect have always been pretty lacking. He is hot tempered and has a hard time communicating his feelings, and reacts to mine with anger. I just dont know how much pain and humiliation i am supposed to endure in the name of love.


What is it that you find humiliating? There are a lot of potential areas, but understanding yourself and what really bothers you are essential for you to move forward, regardless of the path.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

frostytink said:


> We do have 2 children a 12 yr old girl and a 3 yr old boy. My daughter seems to be handling things OK but i dont think it has sunk in yet, and of course they havnt met or anything. I know i will b attacked for this but i also became pregnant when i was 18, in fact it was within months of this childs birth. We decided together to terminate the pregnancy and though it was the right decision for us at the time i cant help but see what we didnt have in all of this. He gets to get to know his child and ours never was.


These are completely natural feelings to have in your position.



frostytink said:


> Our relationship was toxic for many years. He finally made a change about 5 years ago when we bought our new home, but trust and respect have always been pretty lacking. He is hot tempered and has a hard time communicating his feelings, and reacts to mine with anger. I just dont know how much pain and humiliation i am supposed to endure in the name of love.


5 years is a pretty good track record.

But hot temper, no communication and reaction with anger are ALL issues you need to deal with NOW.

You should not endure ANY pain or humiliation AT ALL. And you should also be firm on this end and make sure that he know that if it continues......you will not put up with it much longer.

Remember, longer you put up with it, the longer you enable him/support his ways.

You are as much of a problem as is he. Your husband would not be this way if you didn't enable him.

I agree with tallaverageguy, counseling is in order PRONTO!!!


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Caribbean Man said:


> I respectfully disagree.
> 
> If someone cannot make a commitment to be faithful and sexually exclusive to their partner before marriage, then realistically , their partner can't expect them to be faithful to any commitment after marriage.
> 
> ...


Yep. Being married isn't close to a promise that you won't ever be cheated on but I would certainly never marry anyone who cheated on me while we were dating. I made plenty of mistakes by not paying attention to a persons past

OP why were you not included in the meeting of this girl?


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## frostytink (Jun 5, 2014)

Tall Average Guy said:


> I will again suggest counseling for you to work through this. Your feelings are real, but this posts reads that you are blaming him for hypocrisy for a decision that he did not make. That suggests that more is going on here than just the cheating. You will need to address this.
> 
> 
> 
> What is it that you find humiliating? There are a lot of potential areas, but understanding yourself and what really bothers you are essential for you to move forward, regardless of the path.


I find it humiliating to be played for a fool, to find out what i thought my life was it is not. That even now he feels the need to keep things from me. Its humiliating to love someone so much that the pain of there past actions has made you to feel like an insecure teenager all over again, and finally i feel it is humiliating to know that once people in our lives start to find out this news i will be looked at differently, with less respect because there is walking talking proof of my partners deception.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

frostytink said:


> I find it humiliating to be played for a fool, to find out what i thought my life was it is not. That even now he feels the need to keep things from me. Its humiliating to love someone so much that the pain of there past actions has made you to feel like an insecure teenager all over again, and finally i feel it is humiliating to know that once people in our lives start to find out this news i will be looked at differently, with less respect because there is walking talking proof of my partners deception.


Completely normal feeling based on your position you are in.

Like I said before. Step one: decide if you want to proceed or not.

Whatever you decide on, keep the kids completely OUT of this decision. Your kid will be fine regardless if you 2 are divorced or together. And her witnessing current situation can be WORSE than divorce as well.


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## frostytink (Jun 5, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> Yep. Being married isn't close to a promise that you won't ever be cheated on but I would certainly never marry anyone who cheated on me while we were dating. I made plenty of mistakes by not paying attention to a persons past
> 
> OP why were you not included in the meeting of this girl?


I cant really say why i wasnt included in the meeting, as ive said i have been excluded from this as if i dont matter, and i guess in the big picture i dont. My husband has not wanted me there for any of this, not for DNA testing, not for this meeting, and he also doesnt want me to go to the court proceedings to follow to determine support. I have been an outsider to my husbands life and it breaks my heart.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

frostytink said:


> I cant really say why i wasnt included in the meeting, as ive said i have been excluded from this as if i dont matter, and i guess in the big picture i dont. My husband has not wanted me there for any of this, not for DNA testing, not for this meeting, and he also doesnt want me to go to the court proceedings to follow to determine support. I have been an outsider to my husbands life and it breaks my heart.


Sounds like WHILE in a marriage you already feel single and divorced.

That along with his communication issues and other treatment you receive really makes me sway my advice towards divorce at this point.

At the very least, counseling


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

frostytink said:


> I cant really say why i wasnt included in the meeting, as ive said i have been excluded from this as if i dont matter, and i guess in the big picture i dont. My husband has not wanted me there for any of this, not for DNA testing, not for this meeting, and he also doesnt want me to go to the court proceedings to follow to determine support. I have been an outsider to my husbands life and it breaks my heart.


Have you asked him why he did not include you?


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

frostytink said:


> I find it humiliating to be played for a fool, to find out what i thought my life was it is not. That even now he feels the need to keep things from me. Its humiliating to love someone so much that the pain of there past actions has made you to feel like an insecure teenager all over again, and finally i feel it is humiliating to know that once people in our lives start to find out this news i will be looked at differently, with less respect because there is walking talking proof of my partners deception.


How were you played like a fool? Did people not know of his and your past indiscretions that you both had forgiven?

I agree that all of this is normal. I continue to believe there is more here than you are saying (not that you are lying, but rather there are some subconscious issues you may not be aware of), so again, counseling may help.

I do recommend you take you time and talk with your husband. Ask him pointed questions and demand answers. What did he know, when did he know it, why has he lied again, what other lies are out there, etc. You need information, both in facts and in how your husband is going to act.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> They've only been married for a year. Seems they both had some growing up to do before they were really ready to take on the commitment of marriage.
> 
> There is a huge difference between being exclusive and being married!



Ok.

I think I get the context of your statement.
Not that I agree fully, but you are correct ,maybe there were extenuating circumstances.


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