# infidelity 10+years ago



## azil0324 (Dec 20, 2015)

My boyfriend (now husband) cheated on me on two occasions when I was pregnant from our first baby, didn't get sexual (he says) but I still felt betrayed. His apology was genuine; he told me about the cheating out of guilt. We come from broken homes and understand each other's pain; we're true soul mates. I couldn't leave him. The infidelity and other things going on at the time caused me to be in overwhelming stress and ended up giving birth at just 5 months along. Our baby died. The relationship went downhill from there. He started seeing other people, one of them "our" friend. I had sex to get back at him. I should've never done that. It went against my beliefs and morals, but I was hurt and I wanted him to feel what I felt. We were both miserable for the next couple of years. I'm not the kind of person that can forgive someone but I really loved this guy and my baby was not going to die in vain. So we decided to start over again, the right way. We got married and promised to always work on our relationship, to be loyal, to compromise. 
It was all good until the past would come to stirs things up. If we went out and ran into one of our past lovers, if we went to a place where we've been with someone else, a song, a scent, a scene on a movie, everything was a trigger, is a trigger! I had learned to sweep things under the carpet, keep my emotions quiet. I didn't want to nag all the time and my dignity and self esteem could only be exposed so much. We never had a trusting relationship, never had a night out with friends, attended job seminars, had alone time. Our social life was affected. Our individual personalities no longer existed. We became one really dependable couple and went on with life just like that.
We've been married 14 years now but it wasn't until four years ago that things really got out of hand. I felt very lonely, depressed, my libido was gone, for months at a time. And when my husband had surgery two years ago, I accompanied him to Florida to make sure he wouldn't cheat on me, not because I cared but because I didn't want him to beat me to it. I've wanted to be unfaithful for years now. To do it like he did it 16 years ago, when I was bedridden because I had a high-risk pregnancy. Instead, I got our kids and went to the beach and let the shuttle pick him up and drop him off from the hospital to the hotel; that’s when I realized I just didn't care for this man anymore. So I thought about divorce, but I kept looking at those two beautiful girls we brought into this mess and started looking for options. I read articles, many posts on forums, considered talking to a shrink and finally brought the issue to his attention. He'd noticed my lack of interest for a while now and made a comment, "you have not been a good wife to me for a long time." There was pain in his voice. I burst out 10+years of resentment in one night. Got his luggage and told him to leave and he finally broke, and cried and I hadn't seen him care that much in a long time. We stayed up all night; asked him if he had been unfaithful during the past 14 years, he said, "Not once, even though I thought about it many times....you?" We brought forward details of the mistakes we made 16 years ago, no more keeping anything from each other, no more bottling up. We made love that night.
It's been five months since then, I feel happy most days, sex life is great but still question his loyalty. It keeps me up all night and I don't know if I want to spent another 10 years like this. I feel lost. Am I wasting my time?


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## Hakeem79 (Dec 20, 2015)

What he did was messed up. Can't imagine what a woman feels when the man whose baby they carrying betrays them when they most need the man by their side. You said he did this 10+ years ago? Is this the worst he's done? How is he now as a husband and father? You said you want to cheat on him now and cheated on him before. What's the worst you've hurt him?


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

I can't say if you are wasting your time, only you can decide that. 

I do think your story is another shining example of how rug sweeping comes back to bite. It doesn't sound like the two of you properly dealt with his possible cheating and you having sex with someone else.

Your frame of reference- not wanting him to beat you to cheating because you wanted to cheat on him- sounds well- F-d up. If I understand correctly, he was having surgery and you thought he might cheat then? Probably not the best time a person would be looking for that, but I guess it depends on the surgery.

I suggest complete transparency on both sides and a qualified MC.

Good luck
WD


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## Hakeem79 (Dec 20, 2015)

Going back and re-reading your post it stands out to me that his and your infidelity was left in the past and you guys had a new begining. But it all crept back up on you again 4 years ago. What changed that made all those feelings come back to haunt you? I'm assuming from what I've read that neither you nor him has been cheating since after the two of you decided to "start over again the right way
".


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

Some people easily want to forgive and move forward, while others never do. I seems here that instead of confronting the issues they got swept under the rug, so the animosity that you felt was allowed to grow and grow. I believe most relationships can be fixed, if both parties work to fix the problems. There is no right or wrong here, but you have to be honest with yourself. I think you need to seriously think about terminating this relationship. When you get to the point where you won't even accompany the man to the hospital, just for the purpose of being vengeful, it is probably time to call it quits. I know his behavior was bad, but that does not give you carte blanche to act poorly in return. I think that whether you stay or go, counseling is probably in order, you seem to be carrying around a lot of grief and pain.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Sorry you are here.

My opinion is that you can save this marriage and be happy with your children.

Sure it is going to take you a lot of work and it is not going to be solved in another 2-3 months. 

Both of you made a lot of mistakes in the past.He didnt respect you and same goes for you my lady. He cheated on you and then you cheated on him,telling us you wanted to be unfaithful.

Now last five months like you said were great. Put a stop there and think about it. What you did to make it happen and from there you keep improving your relationship.

Talk about boundaries,your male/female friends,co-workers.

Dont have any secret accounts or paswords. Share them with each other.

Christmas is coming so send you children to grandparents and have some nice time with just two of you. Share your thoughts about future and what you want from it. Be sure to not make the same mistakes like you did in the past. 

Your free time spend together. No going solo to bars and stuff like that. Maybe early running can help you to get closer. This way both of you start a day with each other in mind.

You and your husband could use some help from MC or IC. Dont be afraid or ashamed to go for it.

Stay strong.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Both of you messed up and rugswept your affairs. However, you have children. This makes your relationship complicated. If you both wish to save your marriage, you need to see a marriage counselor immediately. Perhaps, you both can make your marriage work.


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## azil0324 (Dec 20, 2015)

Thanks for all the responses. Cheating on him was for pure revenge, didn't do this with past relationships. If I didn't, I wouldn't have made it this long. I guess that's why it still hurts. I didn't get any enjoyment out of it; it just made me feel worse. And yes, he is now a good husband and father, but four years ago we had our second child and we became very disconnected to the point where we would avoid each other as much as possible. I left for a couple of days, took our kids with me and he was devastated, or at least that's what he told me over the phone because he didn't make an effort of driving five hours to look for me. He simply asked me to come back and I did. 
We don't trust each other, I ask how he copes with his pain and he says he just doesn't think about it. Which sounds like bull*** to me. I think he is cheating and that's how he is coping; I'm constantly looking for clues but he's an IT Specialist so he has access to anyone he wants, he doesn't have to be in his office and works in three different cities so there's plenty of wiggle room for him to do whatever he wants without anyone noticing anything. As for me I try to occupy my mind doing a lot of physical activities, go to the gym almost everyday to the point of exhaustion so I can go straight to bed and stop thinking about it. I have considered counseling but not in the small town where we live, we have vacation for a week and I'm thinking of applying for a job in another city and eventually moving away to proceed with divorce.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

You said "I'm thinking of applying for a job in another city and eventually moving away to proceed with divorce".

You made your decision and now it is up to you to find a way to tell him. 

Also you need to talk to him about custody of your children. He is great father like you said so you need to work together for your children sake.


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## Hakeem79 (Dec 20, 2015)

Do you still love him? Or are you leaving because you think he is unfaithful? 10+ years of looking for clues and not finding any could also mean the man truly changed.


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## azil0324 (Dec 20, 2015)

Love hasn't been enough. If he's cheating or flirting with someone he wouldn't tell me; he knows what is going to happen if he does so he'd be more careful this time. I've learned little details here and there of things he was supposed to tell me back when we "started over". There's always gaps in his stories, mainly because he would be drunk. I know for a fact that he loses conscience when he drinks so I've learned to accept that excuse. It would be easy for him to be with someone during working hours; he sometimes goes to lunch to a casino/hotel. I mean it sounds pretty convenient to me. I love the man, but I need to love me more. I want to make my girls proud and that ain't gonna happen if I continue as depressed and angry as I am now.


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