# Girlfriend needs to "work on herself"...



## Overhaulz (Oct 21, 2012)

Hello everyone!

Backstory: In mid-august of 2012, she cheated on me, pure physical affair. Did I take her back? Yes. I completely was understanding of why she did it, and that's because we hadn't been having sex. She was very neglected in the area. Do I still think it wrong though? Yes, but I forgave that.

Weeks later I discovered she was on some Meetme site, talking to numerous other guys. I told her she needed to get off that site and work on us if she wanted to stay together. At first she was reluctant, but did so anyway (at least I thought). I found out she was still on the site, and had been talking to a new guy.I found this out because I came out of the bedroom one day and she was casually talking to him on the phone, like nothing was wrong, and when she got off the phone with him she told me he's just a friend, and I have no business telling her who she can and can't talk to. She also said she's starting to have feelings for the new guy.

It was at that time that I told her she needs to pack her things and leave since she didn't want to work on us anymore.

I've seen her once in the past few days. She came to my work and brought me cheeseburgers. I didn't make conversation with her at the time, just gave a big smile, appeared to be happier than ever, took the burgers, and said "thanks". I then gave the burgers to my co-workers instead (no she didnt see that part).

She's been staying at her friend's for now. She called last night and said she needs to be away now. She said that just because she likes this guy, doesnt mean she'll date him, and she doesnt need a man in her life at all. She said she wants this break to work on her, while I work on myself. She said she does love me, and maybe we'll work out in the long run, and she hopes we do.

My response to what she said was, "Okay, that's fine. All I want is for you to be happy." I then ended the conversation politely and that was it.

Today she sent a text saying she'll be stopping by tomorrow to grab her clothes, and clothes for her little boy. She also said "I hope you're having a good day at work." She literally just text me now too, asking, "You doing ok?". I havent responded.

Now, I'm assuming in this situation I should not be present when she comes over, correct? I am doing my best at the 180 degree turn, and just trying to be happy without her. Am I correct at not answering her, "You doing okay?" text, or should I tell her I'm doing great? I'm not sure which would be better right now. There's other questions I have too, which I'll ask after I can get these answered  

Thanks for any advice!


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

Stay on the 180.

No answering texts, that involve anything other than business ( finances etc.)

She wants to position you as her plan B.

She comes to you to work it out.

And, only if that is what you want.

Keep reading up on here. The lessons to be learned are invaluable.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Overhaulz (Oct 21, 2012)

Okay, sticking to the 180 is what I thought. She's just very odd. I'm so concerned it will make her pissed off to the point she won't try any more. I'll keep to the advice given, however.

Here's my other question, and this is where my pain comes in. I have a daughter, that is 6, and been through A LOT in her life. She has had heart surgery, and one year ago had her left kidney removed. She LOVES my ex-gf, and her little boy who is also 6 very much. They go to the same school even. I will without a doubt be seeing her often when picking up my daughter, and she's picking up her boy. My question isn't how to act when I see her there. My question is how do I tell me little girl that my ex isn't going to be here anymore?

Should I have my ex sit down with her and talk to her and explain that she'll always still love her, or should I tell her and never let her say goodbye to my ex? I'm just very confused on what's best to do in that situation, while also maintaining a 180.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

She doesnt diserve your time, you gave her a second chance and she falled misserably.

I would be concerned with what she takes but I would make sure she takes everything of hers. Hell help her pack with a smile on your face.

If she tries tot alk about the relationship simply tell her there is nothing more to talk about and to focus on the matter at hand and that is making sure she gets all her stuff and takes nothing of yours.


I do regress, emotionaly you will be better off served to stay away from her, just make sure you secure all your stuff worth thats worth her taking by taking it to a friends or put it in your car.

Again if you can have the emotional strentgh then be there and make sure she takes all her stuff and leaves your stuff alone.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Talk to her school counselor and get some input from them with regards to how to approach your kid. They may have some good suggestions that are age apropreite.


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

You need to lead with explaining to your child.

If she comes forward, great.

It's not your responsibility to teach her how to act.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Overhaulz (Oct 21, 2012)

Ok, will do. I guess my big question is:

How long should I do the no contact? I mean obviously she's trying to make small conversation now, and that could mean she wants to try and work things out (which I know won't happen right now because of her feelings for this other guy). 

Is there some type of text I should look for that should clue me in on when to talk to her again? I know she'll end up calling for sure since I'm not responding to her text today about "how I'm doing". I will ignore that. 

I just wonder if there's some general rule as to when I should break the 180 and speak to her again about working on us.


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

You break it if and when she comes forward and she shows genuine remorse and wants to work on your relationship in counseling. 

No contact with the other man is required.

No exceptions.

She can only cake eat if you let her.

You won't be her plan B.

Nothing else will work.

Period.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Overhaulz (Oct 21, 2012)

Three consecutive calls to which I didn't answer, followed by a voicemail, "Hey, I'm just trying to call you. Wondering why you're not answering." 

It's funny. She never wanted to call me before! Almost have to love the 180 technique.

Yes, before I would have answered it on the first ring.


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## Overhaulz (Oct 21, 2012)

Quick question though...what is a non-threatening way of telling her what I was doing last night if she comes to the house while I'm sleeping in the morning? "Where I was is not your concern anymore," will probably invoke a nasty, very upset woman.

(Yes, she still has the house key, and unfortunately knows that legally since she lived her and her things are here too, she *cannot* be kicked out of the house.)

And she gets very, VERY out of hand with her anger, so that is why I actually do care how she reacts, if I even see her in the morning (hopefully not though).


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## Overhaulz (Oct 21, 2012)

New text, "why arent you answering?"

No need for anyone to respond to my rambles. I guess I find it just therapeutic to type this here. Hopefully it helps me heal


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## Overhaulz (Oct 21, 2012)

So yesterday, around 12:15 am she came home, and started yelling at me because I was ignoring her. I left the house and she tried frantically to call me numerous times (about 40 times) over the few hours I was gone. I went to my mother's house and slept there. Her last message was that she'd left and I could come home.

She came back after dropping her son off at school, around 9am. She brought me food.
I was sleeping as I'd been up all night, so I didn't eat anything. I slept until 1pm and then got up thinking she'd left. She was on the couch napping. I asked her what she was doing and she said "sleeping". I said well you can't do that here if you're not going to stay and work on us. Another fight ensued and I left the house, simply walking down the street. 

She followed screaming and crying for me to stay and that I'm playing head games with her. I told her whatever she wants to do is fine. I made my way back to the house where she started blaming everything on me. It was almost time for her to pick up her child, so I simply said, "Leave." She thought I meant for good and didn't come back at all last night.

Tonight she called again, and I did pick up the phone to discuss getting back my debit card that she took. She spoke a bit and did say again she doesnt know what she wants now, and she still likes this other guy and doesnt know if she'll ever come back. She said it's mainly due to the "head games" I'm playing with her. It almost seems as the 180 is doing more damage than good, as before she was considering coming back and working on things, but now she's extremely reluctant to come back. Maybe I did something wrong. I don't know.

I guess I'm just confused on everything now too, just like she is.

Is it completely wrong to maintain brief, pleasant contact so that I can ask how her son is doing and she can ask about my daughter?


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## cooljay (Oct 6, 2012)

Maybe I'm just misreading some of this, I know others have probably got better suggestions and I'm just giving my opinion from what I've read but sounds like to me she wants you to be plan B and always be the backup for her and expects you to just forgive her like when she first cheated and always take her back.

You can't change how she feels and to be quite honest it sounds like she's looking for a way to put the blame on her cheating and leaving etc. on you so she can be "guilt free". Even when there is no cheating it seems they are always looking for a way out, a way to not feel guilty about their decision. Don't argue, don't fight, don't pry, don't stalk, don't do anything that can feed her negative feelings.

Stay calm, stay civil, go to wal-mart or somewhere and get an audio voice recorder if you don't have one and record whenever she is around, a lot states are what is called a "single party" state which means only one person in the recording needs to know they are being recorded (and that is you) but check up on your state laws about this.

She will most likely lash out, say things, do things to try and get you to argue/be defensive with her but simply don't. Keep your cool, and remember you can't change her only she can change herself but what you need to focus on is you and your daughter.

That's just my little 2 cents worth from what I've read from what you've posted.


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## Overhaulz (Oct 21, 2012)

Yes, I too think I'm a Plan B, and it sucks. There's more that I should have put into this post, and maybe it will help to shed light on why the way she is the way she is. 

We've been together almost 3 years. We started out great, but very quickly she didn't seem happy around me. She constantly needed to be on her phone texting other people (mostly guys) and always got mad at me when I asked her to stop. She eventually would though, and claim that I "just don't want her to have any friends". Please keep in mind these were guys that were always flirting with her on Facebook.

She's always seemed VERY touchy, to the point that I have watch every single word I say because the tiniest one may set her off. I know that's an awful thing in a relationship, but I've tolerated it because I love her. We've fought a lot in the past, mainly because I cannot control her anger. She even admits she has massive anger issues. A big root of the problem is her son. He's autistic. He will be in tears because she's frustrating and practically screaming at him while she helps him with homework. She says he's just being "lazy". Hmm, a boy that can't get himself dressed or carry on a conversation with anyone is "lazy"? She doesn't understand his condition at all and I tell her to calm down and be nice to him.

Things like this set her off instantly, and I'm automatically the bad guy. She'll literally say things like, "You're calling me a bad mother," and then yell at me LIKE I ACTUALLY SAID THAT! I *never* called her a bad mother at all!

I don't know what to do. The above scenario is just a fraction of the things that have happened in our relationship. I've asked her to get help, because even she admits she has mental problems, but then when it comes time to look for a counselor, she flips out on me.

I try to tolerate how treats me and yells at me, but it's hard! I do love her and want to help her through this, especially for her child's sake, but I feel like I simply can't make this woman happy. I'd hate to end this with her as I do love her and her son so much.

The only other piece of backstory is that her father did go to prison for five years when she was younger because he killed a girl while driving under the influence.

How do I approach this? The 180 is just making her angrier at me, chasing me down screaming and crying, but then later saying she doens't want me at all. I'm so confused as to what to do in the scenario. 

Any help would be great. Sorry if there's parts that are incoherent. I haven't slept well in days and I'm exhausted!


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## cooljay (Oct 6, 2012)

You can't fix her problems and you can't force her to either, that's something she has to do on her own if she wants to. It's hard to see the person you love acting in such a way especially when kids are involved.

It sounds like she's wanting all of the positive attention and most likely one of the reasons for all of the txting as they are telling her want she WANTS to hear, not exactly what NEEDS to be heard. When you mention things to her such as calm down etc. it's basically like the parent telling a child no and we all know how children react when you tell them no most of the time they throw a temper tantrum to get their way and that is exactly what she does and why she gets so angry and upset at you doing the 180, you're denying feeding her what she WANTS to hear/see/feel and that makes her upset. You can not fix that, only she can fix her.

First things first make sure her child is safe and taken care of that doesn't threaten to call CPS on her, do call them if you think it is needed, you don't have to tell her you're the one who called, but do make sure he is taken care of, especially with autism it takes a dedicated parent to raise a child especially if they are on the lower end of the scale.

Now the harder part, let her go. It's the hardest thing in the world to do it seems like but just let her go and keep working on you. If she wants to change she will take steps needed as far as counseling etc. and I know this is a hard pill to swallow as we all have thought well I can make her/him change all I have to do is work at it! The more we work at it the more we push them away, and the only person who can change the way that person feels/thinks/behaves is only that person. Let her go and keep working on you and your daughter.

Like I've mentioned before I'm not a professional so this is just my own opinion from what I've read so far.


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

Overhaulz said:


> Yes, I too think I'm a Plan B, and it sucks. There's more that I should have put into this post, and maybe it will help to shed light on why the way she is the way she is.
> 
> We've been together almost 3 years. We started out great, but very quickly she didn't seem happy around me. She constantly needed to be on her phone texting other people (mostly guys) and always got mad at me when I asked her to stop. She eventually would though, and claim that I "just don't want her to have any friends". Please keep in mind these were guys that were always flirting with her on Facebook.
> 
> ...


Look into borderline personality disorder.

I think you will be floored with what you find.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Stop with the 180.

Your relationship with her is done and over. It's nit because you played head games. It is entirely because she chose to cheat, them offered you a false R, while she continued to shop herself around to other guys.

And she left do she could hook up with that other guy.

The relationship is done and what you need isn't the 180, you simply need to tell her it is over by her choice and to never contact you.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Shaggy said:


> Stop with the 180.
> 
> Your relationship with her is done and over. It's nit because you played head games. It is entirely because she chose to cheat, them offered you a false R, while she continued to shop herself around to other guys.
> 
> ...


Is the OP married?

It doesn't say that he is.

If he isn't, why stick around for this sort of abuse?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It's simple: do not talk to her about anything other than her coming to get her stuff from your house.

She wants out so let her go. She's a serial cheater. You don't need her. 

Don't respond to her. Yes, be home when she goes to get her things (so she doesn't try to take more things). If she asks what time she can stop by, or rather, you should TELL HER what time to stop by:

"X, You can stop by at 6 pm to get your things."

That's it. 

If s he keeps messaging you tell her "Look, we are done so there is nothing to discuss. I think it's best we do not talk so we can both move on."

That's IT.

Stand your ground, buddy. She will respect you for it.


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## Overhaulz (Oct 21, 2012)

So a new update. This is so frustrating. We talked today calmly and she explained many things. Apparently she did absolutely, like some other guy recently, and still does, but isn't talking to him anymore. She admitted it was wrong. She's still living with her friend, and says she's not giving up on "us". 

She says she just needs time and space to figure herself out. She says she's just too stressed with everything that's been going on lately. We had been fighting a lot since she cheated on me in August, and I was WAY too clingy, I admit that because I didn't want to lose her.

She says that there is no one else that she's hanging out with. She just hangs out at her friend's place and watches her child. I also found out today she quit her job, and has almost zero income now. She gets her last check deposited into the bank tomorrow, and she said I could keep most of it to get my daughter some food and myself. She also said she'd help out with money however she can if she gets a new job, because she doesn't want to leave us high and dry.

I'm going to be seeing my girlfriend every morning to drive my daughter to school, as she's keeping the one car we had. It was her idea to come by and pick us up so we don't have to walk.

Am I being too optimistic, or does this really sound like she does still love me, and my kid, and values our family, but is truly just very sick of all the fighting we've done? Could she truly just need time to get de-stressed so that we can work on us? She really did say today that she wants us to work out, and she's not dating anyone else (she was honest about liking that other guy, and she'd say if she were dating him at this point since we're apart anyhow).

I really want us to work out. Technically we were engaged in the past, but we bickered so much she quit wearing the ring. I still want her in my life, and seeing her almost completely broke, and sleeping on a pull out couch at her friend's house. Does this seem like something that is salvagable?

I'd love any input if possible. I'm going nuts here.


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## cooljay (Oct 6, 2012)

I'm going to be honest with how I'm seeing things from what you are posting. 

Sympathy. That is what she is going for pure and simple it sounds like. She is trying to make you be sympathetic to her wants. It still sounds like she's making sure you're still her plan B. If she TRULY wants to work things out between you and her, she will work on herself first and her quitting her job is not a sign of someone who is working on improving their own self. She is pulling at your sympathy strings and trying to make you feel guilt over everything that is happening. SHE is the one who cheated on you, not the other way around and it seems like she's trying to make sure her backup plan is still there.

If you truly want things to work out between you and her, LET HER GO. If she really means she wants to work things out between you two she will but if not she won't. You need to let her go. Maybe as time goes on you two will end up drifting back together and things will work out who knows, but right now you need to focus on you and your child.

Also avoid using any of her money, let her know you appreciate her offering but don't say she needs it more than you or what have you, just keep it short and simple but don't seem rude, mean or place blame or any of that.

It sounds like she really needs some type of counseling and professional help and I don't mean that in a mean/rude way just simply being honest with you. She has a child, why would she quit working and not supporting her child? Make sure her child is being taken care of though. With her child being autistic and the things going on I'm worried about her child to be quite honest. I know we as parents hate the words CPS but if it comes down to it the child needs to be taken care of and if that means CPS being called/stepping in then that is what has to be done.


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## Overhaulz (Oct 21, 2012)

You guys are absolutely correct. She's admitted that she has mental health issues. She knows she needs help. I know she needs help. She hates to discuss. Looking from an out-of-the-box persepective, I know I'm insane to want to be with her.

I simply love the woman. I want to be there for her and help her, but anytime I try to talk about issues with her it ends up in a massive fight. 

Here's a scenario:

One day I got off work early and she was at home. This was a couple weeks after I found out she cheated on me. I called her and asked that since I was off early, if it was okay if I just went to the park and sat to think about things. She asked what was wrong. I cried on the phone, and told her how much it still hurt to think about what happened. Her reply? "Bring me home the car now."

I brought it home, and she left, furious at me, because she "didn't want to deal with this 5hit." 

I guess I need help to get over her. I know it's absurd that I would want to spend my life with that, but for some reason I keep hoping she'll get the help she needs and we'll be okay. I realize I'm living in some fantasy land right now, but I can't seem to quit loving her and wanting to be there for her.


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## cooljay (Oct 6, 2012)

Overhaulz said:


> I simply love the woman. *I want to be there for her and help her, but anytime I try to talk about issues with her it ends up in a massive fight. *


This is because you can't help her, only she can help herself. I was the same way as far as being the fixer and it doesn't work to try and fix your mate, either they hop on board and get themselves sorted out or they don't and if they don't well they miss the train and the train keeps on going.

Read "No More Mr. Nice Guy!" by Robert Glover. The book title might make you think this is a book about turning mean and nasty, it's not. The "Nice Guy syndrome" is something a lot of us have/had and it truly does hurt relationships by simply emotionally smothering the other person.

Wanting her back is completely normal but the longer you let it last the harder it's going to get your life back on track and for you to be happy with your own self and feelings. It's not a switch that you can just flip off, it will take work but FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT if you have to! If you keep begging her to come back and trying to make it work out, she will only be pushed further away. Start no contact with her unless absolutely needed. Don't text, email, call or any of that. Keep your conversations short and polite. Don't even mention you two getting back together or working on your relationship. 

If she does call you it's alright to return the phone call but once again short, simple and to the point while being polite at the same time. No more I love you's no more I miss you's. Those are hard words to let go off trust me I know. I still catch myself almost saying it to my stbxw and it might slip out once or twice.

It's time to just let her go as hard as that is, you need to just let her go. If you can find things to keep you occupied and busy find them! A hobby, spending time with your child, do something but don't give yourself time to dwell on the situation.


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