# Defeatist attitude a learned behavior over time?



## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

God...it's me...Margaret. Lol..sorry, that' show I'm feeling here lately. Combination of depression and holiday blues guess.

In talking with a very old friend from my school days...the statement was made to me "Defeatist attitude will not work for you..." I asked what that meant and the reply was "You act like nothing but bad sh*t happens to you...that's not your character."

Not sure why...but this is bothering me tremendously. Maybe as I know it to be very true...truth does hurt. Maybe because the issues that have arise between H and I, that I've obviously been hording over last few years, he blames on my lose of self-esteem...confidence? Which when confident, you aren't such a pessimist? In the early years, H was the defeatist. He never wanted to marry due to age difference, kids, said the actual marriage changes everything and he felt he would become like his father..unfaithful to many. Me...back then...I was opposite. My view was if you seen and know what father did was wrong and how it hurt...that should be enough for you to not do it yourself. Then it was, I don't care about kids..I love you and I just want us to be together. A piece of paper doesn't change anything. I moved out after 4 yrs then 6 months later he proposed. When proposed, I did ask what changed his mind..response was he seen how hurt I was together and it didn't change being apart so he felt it was right.

So...any who...through out conversations between H and I and times of counseling, it has come out several times of me not being that confident person, that person who when we would argue/fight (not physical) I was the one to force him to talk it out, never go to bed angry. He was the stubborn one and hated it when I would keep nagging at him to talk to me, hash things out. Over years...I guess I've conformed to his ways and theories. I'm as stubborn now, which I always had a streak of it in me. But, H has said he hates how I am now him. 

And sadly....he is right and I deeply feel I cannot change it with him. I've lost so much of self. Through our 3 month counseling session, I've realized some of his selfishness, on vacation this summer, I seen it, or maybe chose to see it for the first time. 

It was our first vaca with daughter. My mom went too to help so we could have some alone time especially with what has been going on between us. DD never to beach and wanted so we both decided the beach it is. I and my mom were the ones to spend every day with her either in pool or at ocean. H got burnt 1st day laying out...second day I understood why he didn't. After that I would tell him, put on a tank shirt or something. He would for an hour then go in, go shopping touring or whatever. Come back in time for us to do dinner or what ever at night. All our DD wanted was someone to be in water with her. She is 6! Ya, I wouldve liked time to relax, lay out in sun for few...but I didn't...couldn't. Mom can't swim well so she really wasn't comfortable being in water with her. We did have our alone evening which was nice. Our last day there...(his burn is gone mind you) we go to pool. After hour he says he's bored is going to go shopping. I had made plans to go to dinner theater. I was upset our last day there he couldn't spend time with DD in pool or at beach. He comes back, he can tell I'm upset, but yet with DD and my mom, I switch it around to happy times. I tell him why I'm upset and he gets very defensive and says no reason for me to be upset over that when he wasn't, that he is perfectly fine with all of us at pool while he does whatever. Then leads into "you know I"m not a lay around person, I can't lay at a beach or pool for hours...I need to be doing something" I reply with yes...but WE both agreed this was for her...not us. So we go to dinner theater, they take a few pics of all us and he is then pissed becuase he can't believe how I could smile in those pictures after our conversation. How I could be 'happy and enjoy it". He definately was mad in them. I simply told him becuase I CHOSE to be happy and enjoy it with my DD and my mom.

Is that another 'bad trait' I have? Being able to react to certain situations the proper way? H hates it. He hates how we can be so at each other or upset with one another for days but when I come home or other's are around I can just turn it around, just like that with a smile and attitude of nothing is wrong. Him, not so much. Once he is mad..everyone he encounters knows it. Not sure why I'm like that.

I truly think I learned or conditioned self when I lost my 1st child and dad within 2 weeks of each other. I grieved briefly for baby..then had to react/grieve and be strong for mom due to dad. Like my body and mind just DID it. Just changed to what felt was right thing at that moment. How could I be selfish in my loss of baby when my mom needed me now. She just lost her spouse after 35yrs. who was rock of her foundation...did it all, made all decisions for them etc. So, now I needed to help her. I felt and did divide my losses and grieving between the two. Hence my problem now with my dad. After 9yrs...I still grieve many times. Any how..I've been like that since. 

So...guess I'm lost at how do you stop or change the defeatist attitude when you belive in your heart...the one around you is what blocks you...stops you from doing or wanting. Only way I can describe it is I feel I've been conditioned to it...like it's my protection to be negative so IF or when it is negative outcome...it wont be such a huge dissapointment, or hurtful as I already mentally prepared. It hurts me to feel that I can't change unless it's on my own, my own terms and only ME that I have to worry about..and daughter. I feel exhausted trying in terms of knowing theres still this other person, these other 'needs' I have to meet and be approved by. Make any sense what so ever? 

I thought many times of seperation just to see if that is truly what I need or would change my thoughts.....time away. Yet, again, the financial part of guilt for me comes into play. Not for me...for H. Then the thought of 'what if I like it, like being away, what if I realize I do or want to be alone, be my own person, do what I want when I want and not worry about pleasing someone else, having to justify my feelings or emotions. Not having to worry when walk through the door that I have to make sure I 'conform' to not upset the apple cart or give a 'bad ora'. 

I am a defeatist...and it's killing me and I'm scared to death that if I don't change something quick for myself (am 40) I will soon look back and regret my life completely.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

The word "defeatist" is defined as "a person who surrenders easily or is subject to defeatism." Let's define "defeatism"..."the attitude, policy, or conduct of a person who admits, expects, or no longer resists defeat, as because of a conviction that further struggle or effort is futile; pessimistic resignation. .."

Personally, I still see you struggling to make things better. I don't think you've admitted defeat. You've had some blows that would have taken a lesser person down with them..you're still struggling to deal and make sense of it all. It's understandable that someone who has been dealt some hard blows might be waiting for the other shoe to drop, so to speak. 

Life ebbs and flows. There is good along with the bad. And sometimes we get hit so hard with bad things that it's hard to not expect that more bad is to come. I think the trick might be to take the focus off of the bad that has happened, in order to not expect more of the same. And since you're in counseling, maybe your T can help you with that. 

I know that therapists have different styles, different specialties. Maybe it might help if you sought one who specializes in grief counseling? You didn't have the chance to really mourn the loss of your child, and your father's death has affected you profoundly. You KNOW he wouldn't want you to still be suffering so. Has your current T diagnosed you with depression? There are stages of grief, and while it's common to revert to a stage you may have "passed", is it possible that you're stuck in one of the stages and that's preventing you from moving forward? 

I AM so sorry that you're struggling so. You seem to want more out of life, and I don't see that as being a defeatist. But that's just my very own humble opinion, as I'm no expert at anything.


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