# Broken promises, how to handle?



## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

I am so fed up. My H's promises blatantly mean nothing. We are stuck in our never-ending cycle:

* I express a wish for sex/intimacy once or twice a week.
* My H says yes this is good with him.
* He starts off for a week or two with a renewed vigor. Inevitably this disappears after week 2. 
* I initially say nothing, trusting that he knows what I would like and will keep his word.
* A few weeks pass with little from him. I am upset and address the issue.
* He will come up with a reason or reasons and seeing my upset, will promise to meet his promise.

And repeat...

So here I am again. The thing at the moment is that he is worried about me getting pregnant. Says he'd rather skip sex than take the risk.

I could take matters into my own hands and schedule a drs appt to talk about a vasectomy which is something we have discussed. I sense it is more just an idea rather than a course of action he intends to take which I am realizing is a reoccuring theme in his life.

In the meantime he is taking care of himself either next to me or when I'm asleep. I still foolishly wait up hoping he will whisk me off upstairs like we agreed once a week. I get mixed messages: if I don't bring it up he says I should have done, but if I do he mostly says later (ie when he goes to bed which is getting waaay too late to keep up with, usually 1am). In fact I can only remember twice since we first agreed once a week about two/three mobths ago that he has actually followed through with going to bed early. 

The other latest thing is he doesn't want to have sex during my period. I don't mind, and I understand some guys might not like the idea, but we've been together years now and I can honestly say it *never* bothered him before.

What do I say to end this cycle?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

"I'm moving out. I need sex and this isn't working."


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Ouch. Brutal but I have thought it. To be clear we manage "actual" sex maybe once a week. At the moment this usually happens if we get a sitter at the weekend. So if we don't... Nothing.

What bugs me so much apart from the drop in frequency are the consistently broken promises. I am starting to wonder if his word has any value. I also seriously believe he knows to say the right thing to appease me. I do not know if when he promises he means to carry through or thinks it doesn't matter as long as he can soothe me with the right words.
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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You only have sex if you have a sitter ?

What about when you go to bed and everyone is asleep? That's when Hubs and I get busy...

But yea, what you've been through and his lack of giving a ****, I'd leave. Not to divorce (yet) but...seriously...is this the life you want? No. You have explained what you want and he doesn't care. maybe some time apart will help him realize he should care.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

walkingwounded said:


> I am so fed up. My H's promises blatantly mean nothing. We are stuck in our never-ending cycle:
> 
> * I express a wish for sex/intimacy once or twice a week.
> * My H says yes this is good with him.
> ...


In reading this post, I really do sympathize with you.

But first, I have to say that you have some odd ideas. You want to have sex, which is fine. But your response to his concerns about birth control is to have him get a vasectomy? How is that supposed to make him feel closer to you? Why not get yourself an IUD or something if you want a positive reaction?

Besides that, I can think of only two reasons you guys have this dynamic. One is that he is doing just the bare minimum to get you off his back because he really does not want to be with you sexually but does not want to end the relationship either.

The other possibility is that he has some sort of unresolved abuse issues in his past. He musters up enough courage to meet your need for a little bit but then when he simply can't stand it any more he crawls back into his proverbial shell.

I feel strongly that it is one of these two options. The only other option is that he really is that forgetful, but I don't think it is likely. You need to figure out which it is and then go from there.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

DTO said:


> In reading this post, I really do sympathize with you.
> 
> But first, I have to say that you have some odd ideas. You want to have sex, which is fine. But your response to his concerns about birth control is to have him get a vasectomy? How is that supposed to make him feel closer to you? Why not get yourself an IUD or something if you want a positive reaction?
> 
> ...


I realuzed I didn't say but I have an IUD fitted. Carefully chosen for me and us. Despite this he says he is still worried I might get pregnant. I think this is a genuine concern but I am startled I guess that his reaction is to near enough stop having sex. He's always been quite high drive and I feel hurt that he in no way expresses that he even "misses" me but appears quite happy taking care of himself or me.

I don't know of any history of abuse. I also have asked if he still finds me attractive and he says yes, he does, and if he didn't I'd know about it??!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

that_girl said:


> You only have sex if you have a sitter ?
> 
> What about when you go to bed and everyone is asleep? That's when Hubs and I get busy...
> 
> But yea, what you've been through and his lack of giving a ****, I'd leave. Not to divorce (yet) but...seriously...is this the life you want? No. You have explained what you want and he doesn't care. maybe some time apart will help him realize he should care.


At the moment I'd say the majority of the times we have sex are when we get a sitter yes. Not all but a lot.

When we go to bed? Ah this is part of the problem. He has been staying up later and later *every* evening (I have posted about this previously.) At the moment he's hitting 1am consistently and later on weekends. I simply cannot keep up with this! What has been happening is I have mostly been waiting up with him so we can go to bed together(important to me) but a lot of the time now I fall asleep, he goes up to bed and either cannot wake me or leaves me to it.

I started going up to bed earlier in the hope he might follow me but he doesn't. This was when I got annoyed and we worked out the arrangement where he's supposed to come up to bed earlier with me one evening a week. When we *have* done it, I fall asleep in bed and he goes off downstairs which is fine with both of us. But it's only happened twice in a couple of months.

The thing is it is really starting to hit my self esteem. I am questioning whether maybe he *doesn't* find me attractive anymore: I figure he obviously has the drive to be taking care of things himself. I mean, as far as things go I'm in shape, look after my appearance, he says he still finds me attractive...

Maybe the brutal approach is best.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Major argument.

I won't go into every little nuance but he basically said the agreement we had about spending time together one evening a week: it hadn't been happening because *I* hadn't been saying I wanted it to happen.

I explained that I felt I had said many times that I wanted us to spend time together, be intimate, but he had put me off with various reasons, which I reminded him of. I explained that when you are told no so many times, you stop asking. I said it was a fair comment, and I had stopped asking, but that there were 2 of us. He said he didn't know when I wanted such time and I had to say... I feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall, I have said OVER and OVER that I would happily have sex every day if he were in the mood. That I cannot understand why he isn't initiating at all.

Example: last night I had to go pick up the older kids from their sports. It has been a longtime routine that me, him and our youngest all go across town to do this after dinner on a Friday evening, we get the youngest in his PJs and ready for bed and go for a nighttime drive, picking the older two up and we will run little errands like pick him up a few beers and me some ice cream, then by the time we get back the youngest is fast asleep and gets tucked up in bed.

Recently he would rather stay in with the youngest and do bedtime. To me this was a cute little bit of time for us to chat whilst driving, wind down and chat about the weekend, plans, just smalltalk before he goes out for a beer with his friends. These little windows of time we get, he is cutting them down here and elsewhere. Like, when the kids go for a sleepover at the grandparents at the weekend. I see the drive as the same thing, opportunity to chat, spend conversational time together whilst the kids chat in the back. He has also started not wanting to do this either and insists I go by myself whilst he is laying in. 

It's all about the time. To me sex counts as quality time so it all goes in the same "need" if you like. I want focussed quality time, ie just me and him. I get very little of that so I look forward now to stuff like the above, where it's not *just* me and him but we do get to concentrate on each other. We hang out in the evening but I spend every evening hoping he will say he's up for it. He doesn't: he said earlier he wants sex at bedtime. He goes to bed SO DARN LATE I just can't stay awake til 1am most nights. The crazy thing? He says he doesn't want sex or quality time most nights because he's so tired. Yet has 1am bedtimes and it's then he's wanting sex!!!

I honestly feel like the two hours we get most Sunday afternoons/evenings entirely to ourselves tick off a "box" of his, like, there, that's quality time done for the week, and anything else is me being needy, demanding or sulky. We're just missing each other every place and I don't know how to make it right 

Eta: he said he wants a list, an *exact list* of what exactly it is that I want because he just doesn't know... OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

walkingwounded said:


> Says he'd rather skip sex than take the risk.


Total BS excuse.

There is something else going on.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> Total BS excuse.
> 
> There is something else going on.


I thought that might be the case. He says not though. I'm so confused.
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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

bring it up with him and try to establish what the root causes are


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

We talked it out.

A few things were mentioned. Seems communication is a *big* part. He thought if I didn't ask I wasn't bothered. I wasn't asking cause I figured he kept turning me down or taking a raincheck and didn't want to be rejected again, and that he knew if he was in the mood I wouldn't say no. Turns out I need to continue asking... Or he doesn't think about it? Says if I came downstairs in sexy lingerie he wouldn't say no! Seems just making the moves or asking him has lost its allure to him...

Our schedules. When I'm tired in the evening is when he's had a second wind. So we "miss" each other's windows. He has said he has thought it's not really fair to make me wait until late. Not that he's done anything about it!

We had some time on Sunday. One of the other things he mentioned was variety. Now, I'd brought this up a few weeks back saying if he ever wanted to do something "different" then just say. He said things are allways the same, the same routine. His suggestion? He wanted tying to a chair and blindfolding and for me to pleasure him.

Now I must admit I hesitated. Not because I'm not open to that. But I have posted about his penchant for hand jobs over sex. I realized that again this was about him. But I said great we'll do that. I also got rid of everything "down there" as I know he likes it completely bare whereas I usually trim and keep it very short. 

I said earlier what did he want to do tonight? Said he didn't know. I said do you fancy an "early night"? (Made the intention obvious although you can't see it here!)

He said he didn't know yet, he was tired. That was it. That's his code for "don't press me, don't hassle me or get in my space." It's not a positive "may be." The thing is he allways says he doesn't feel like he can say no without upsetting me... And he's right. So now I'll have to wait and see. And be sure nog to bring it up in case it gets him cross. Then if he does his usual not saying anything about it all evening I should be OK with that. Or he'll turn round and say that *I* didn't bring it up!!!

We shall see.
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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

And the other thing I forgot ( can't believe I did but hey!)

He brought up the routine aspect. Said that it was difficult as there are only a couple of positions we can do in which I can "get there." Said it was not something he had experience with and other girlfriends had been "different." 

This is a touchy subject. In his recounting of past lovers he basically says most of them had no problems getting there by way of positions etc. Basically when he says this I hear him hinting at there being something not quite right with me, or me being "difficult" or hard work.

I actually find this incredibly hurtful. I am a very willing partner. I am open to trying new positions, introducing new ideas. I'd say I am relatively uninhibited: lights on no problem, sexy lingerie, don't mind showing my body. I had numerous sexual partners prior to meeting him and it upsets me that he is the only one who has ever expressed a "problem" with the fact I can only "get there" whilst on top.

A while ago I was keen to explore and see if I could teach myself to O in other positions. We worked at it and sure enough, I discovered that with us both sitting up and me facing him, I could also O that way. I was ecstatic. Yet I feel like that isn't good enough now...
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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

It's all about him and he's blameshifting.

Still say there is something else going on.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> It's all about him and he's blameshifting.
> 
> Still say there is something else going on.


If there is I don't know what it is.

I've thought all sorts of things. It puzzles me because he a) still obviously has a sex drive and b) says he is still attracted to me. There is no sign of an A. No ED problems. I honestly wonder if he's just started to take me for granted and has basically become lazy?
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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

My bets on he resents you for something and is punishing you by withholding the one thing you want.

My husband did that to me so I'm familiar.


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## heavensangel (Feb 12, 2012)

I'm with Mavash..... There's something else going on! 

Turns out I need to continue asking... Or he doesn't think about it? 

Are you saying here - unless you continue asking (beg) him for it, he doesn't think about sex? Don't mean to sound so stereotypical here but I'd question any man who says they don't think about sex unless they're begged for it. What is he doing when he's up alone at night?


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

I guess I'm saying that if I don't initiate then he won't despite the arrangement we made for at least one evening a week. I know he still thinks about it cause he takes care of things himself a lot when he gets to bed and has been using this where previously we would have had sex. I understand he is genuinely tired from work because it shows in him a lot, but the regular substituting of hand jobs in place of sex has been really hurtful to me.

We are currently at the upswing of the cycle. I am happy to give him the benefit of the doubt right now. Last night he followed through and took me upstairs and we had a great time! I will keep an open mind at this time and see how it pans out.
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