# It's Been a Long time - Why Does it Bother me - Should it Bother me



## judp25 (Oct 1, 2013)

Hi,

I found out some information over the weekend that really threw me, and it bothers me. It bothers me a lot. Among things I would like to understand are: why after so many years does this bother me, and should it bother me the way it does.

My wife and I have been married 32 years, have been faithful to each other the whole time. This has been very easy too as we are very much in love. Here comes the wrinkle. Before we got married we lived together for a few years and due to the nature of my work I did have to work out of town on occasion. On a number of these trips, I suspected upon returning home that someone had been keeping my side of the bed warm. There was no truly hard evidence or a proverbial smoking gun, but I did notice small little things: objects out of place on my night stand, radio on the night stand (used only for an alarm) tuned to a different station, items out of place in the bathroom that being male related my wife (then girlfriend) would not touched, different make of beer and soft drinks in the fridge. 

I didn't mention anything the first time I noticed this, but the second and third time I did. I was pretty sure from the little clues and queues that her old boyfriend was taking my place while I was out of town working. My wife (girl friend) vehemently denied this. After much discussion, I said "okay, I believe you" - or something similar. We were married and have been together ever since.

Now 32 years later and out of the blue, I find out she was sleeping with her old boyfriend, in my bed, while I was out of town. My wife now openly admits this and wonders how I could be so petty as to bring up something from so long ago. What she was well aware of then, and now, is that had I known that then, had she honestly answered my questions, we never would have even spoken again, let alone dated again, and marriage would have been totally out of the realm of possibility. 

I have to admit I'm a bit confused. We have been faithful since we were married. Yet for some reason this really upsets me. I don't want to say "okay, let's bag the marriage and go our own separate ways", but I do feel deceived, and though I hate to even say it, our marriage is technically built on a foundation of lies as we never would have married had these facts been known. 

Am I being petty? Is it normal for something like this to bother me after so long? Maybe I'm the one who needs help.

Thanks,
jud


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

It is normal because you just found out about this to her it was a long time ago.


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## BK23 (Apr 17, 2013)

How can you be so sure she's been faithful...


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

BK23 said:


> How can you be so sure she's been faithful...


Hmm...polygraph?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

judp25 said:


> Am I being petty?
> 
> had I known that then, had she honestly answered my questions, we never would have even spoken again, let alone dated again, and marriage would have been totally out of the realm of possibility.


You've answered your own question.

In essence, you married her under false pretenses; you would not have married her had she not lied about it; and rightfully so.

Yeah, I think that's a pretty big deal. 

I'm not suggesting that you divorce her; unless she doesn't start demonstrating remorse about what she did to you.

So far it doesn't sound like she has. Perhaps it's time to give her a wake up call.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

> Am I being petty? Is it normal for something like this to bother me after so long? Maybe I'm the one who needs help.
> 
> Thanks,
> jud


This is subjective and you will get every answer in the world. What's important is how you and your wife feel about it and how you two deal with "your" issue. 

Here's the way I see it. You "thought" you two were exclusive. Did you talk with her about it? Because unless she agreed to that, you don't have much of a leg to stand on. You may believe it was "implied". It may be why you feel betrayed. 

Unless there was some agreement, you really were not betrayed and these feelings are on you. You have to deal with them. The best route may be to talk to someone like an independent counselor. This could tear you two apart. 

It's only as important as you make it since you were not married. If there was no agreement, you are on your own to get the help you need to move past it.

*Edit:* Missed that part BadMemory caught. "shrug" sorry.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You feel the same as if she had been cheating on you yesterday, because YOU just found out. She's had decades to reconcile things in her mind. You have not. It's as fresh a wound for you as if it had just happened.

If she doesn't get this, then yes, she needs a wake up call.

I would also like to know how you are so sure she's been faithful ever since??


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> You feel the same as if she had been cheating on you yesterday, because YOU just found out. She's had decades to reconcile things in her mind. You have not. It's as fresh a wound for you as if it had just happened.
> 
> If she doesn't get this, then yes, she needs a wake up call.
> 
> I would also like to know how you are so sure she's been faithful ever since??


Right now how can you believe a word she says?


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Regardless of how long ago it was and whether or not you were in an exclusive relationship then, to you it feels like it just happened, so you are not being petty. If your marriage has been exclusive then this should not derail it, but both you and W need to treat this as a real issue and not just something silly that no longer matters. Because to you it does. Don't rugsweep.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Personally *I* find this just shocking. 
How can your wife expect *you* not to feel shocked and hurt and betrayed.

This is new and painful for you...she's known for 32 yrs. It's old news to her.

Does she lie and deceive often so she can get her own way or was it just this once (or how ever many times she shagged the ex)?

Or maybe you don't know...took 32 years for this wee gem to come out...what other secrets does she have?

How can you trust her now? About anything?

Poor you


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Hi,

How did you "just find out"?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Chris989 said:


> Hi,
> 
> How did you "just find out"?


Just curious how you found this out this past weekend.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

What *is* petty is your wife springs this on you and then expects you to be OK with the idea she is/was a cheater? 

She needs to eat crow and chew down a good portion of humble pie and remove the entitled princess attitude.


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## BashfulB (Jul 1, 2013)

Your wife has no other defense than to turn it back on you and call you petty. Deep down she is scared you will leave her and her cushy life will fall apart. 

If she would lie to you so callously and allow another man to sleep in your bed, who knows what else she is capable of? I too would wager fair money that she has had other affairs throughout your marriage. I think a polygraph is a great idea.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

BashfulBull said:


> I think a polygraph is a great idea.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yep, first part of her overdue wake up call.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Does she show any remorse? Has she been otherwise loving and respectful throughout the marriage? Have you caught her in any major lies over the years?


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Ironically, you asked her years ago and she denied it. Then out of the blue she admits to it. I think most people would react the same way. You were in a relationship at the time, which continued to marriage for a long time. She had a PA when you two were committed to each other, lied about it and now says you are petty.

I would almost say that there is a heck of a lot more to this story.

If this was a prior relationship and you two were not an item I would say let it go, but you two were an item and she lied about having a PA. It would be an issue with me, big time.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

It might be a long time for her, but it is fresh for you. What is it about that that she can't understand?


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Hate to say it, but if she lied then, she's probably lying now. How can you now be sure she has not be unfaithful other times as well ?

You may be a 32 year long Plan B. Hope not.


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

I can totally identify with this. On d day not only did WW confess to her most recent escapades, when asked if there was anything else she wanted to tell me she confessed to a two year PA over 25 years ago. And she was still "friends" on Facebook with the OM. She could not figure out why this upset me so much, but it did. It may have been 25 years ago to her, but it was like yesterday to me, and in a way even worse. I had been faithful to her for 34 years but I had been living with a cheater. If I had known she was a cheater the second affair would never would have happened. It still bothers me as much as the most recent PA. I went and pulled out a whole boatload of photos from the time of the first PA and started throwing them on the table one at a time in front of her. I basically picked happy family pics and basically said "lie, lie, lie, lie" after each one. Then took some pics of our son (around 7 at time) and asked her where was he when you were fvcking some young teenaged POS. She got the point and can't even look at the pictures anymore. Yeah, it still hurts.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

How did you find this out after all these years?

And ask her if you go out and bang some chick this week if it will bother her in the next 32 years.

Some women are crazy.....

HM


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP:

I think several have hit on the right attitude on this. That is though what she did may not have been cheating - technically - it does give you the right to wonder whether your assessment of her character needs an update. Which could imply a reasessment of your degree of confidence that she has indeed been faithful over the last 32 years of marriage.

don't let this go. ask her if she's been completely faithful over 32 years as a wife, and why you should believe what she tells you. if she throws ANYTHING back on you, throw it 'twice as hard' back in her face. After a few of these conversations she'll see how serious an issue this is for you, and how serious she had better take it as well.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Happyman made me laugh!

True point.

Most people that cheat tend to express that it was no big deal. Turn the tables, and watch all hell break loose.

Lol! Not saying you should cheat. Just saying that there usually is a HUGE double standard for WSs.


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## Tover26 (Oct 29, 2011)

Wow, this thread is rolling without any other posts from the OP. 

32 years of "being in love" vs something that happened 33 years ago. I'd struggle with this too, and wonder, and question, and I hope with three decades of loving behavior behind me, I'd slap my head and say, "It was the 70s and hippie free love movement", own up to stupid things I did way back then, and move on.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

judp25 said:


> Hi,
> 
> I have to admit I'm a bit confused.
> jud



There's nothing to be confused about. She lied about it to keep you. Now 32 years later, both you and her know you ain't going anywhere. There ain't much about it that gonna make you feel A-ok with it but she could have told you a lot worse things, like certain medical test came back and it ain't looking good. 
32 years of a good marriage is a long time Dawg. Would you rather had 32 years with a woman that gave you hell and run you into bankruptcy with her spending habits but didn't do her ex boyfriend so many years ago.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Let me see. 

Your marriage was based off of complete lies and betrayal. 

You ASSUME she stopped cheating and banging, another guy in your bed because you married her.

She now wants a free pass and is unremorseful and doesn't care at all about your feelings.

Yes, you should be outraged.

From her lack of caring how you feel about it, and the ease in which she brought another man into your bed for sex... I doubt your marriage has been as faithful as you think. I doiubt it very very much.

Polygraph her, follow thru. If she is remorseful she will understand that it is a step in the healing process for you.

If she refuses, get checked for STDs.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

judp25 said:


> Hi,
> 
> I found out some information over the weekend that really threw me, and it bothers me. It bothers me a lot. Among things I would like to understand are: why after so many years does this bother me, and should it bother me the way it does.
> 
> ...


Dear judp25,

You've learned a few things about your W in the last few days that you didn't know:

- she cheated on you before you were marriage;

- she lied about it and, in effect, continued to lie about it throughout your marriage;

- she has no remorse for any of this.

So what else have you learned that you didn't know about her?

- She is (or at least was) capable of cheating on you.

- She is capable of deceiving you.

- She is not very caring of your feelings.

Here's what I think you can/should conclude from this:

- your W is a lot less honest than you believed;

- your W is a lot more manipulative than you believed; and

- your W is a lot less in love with you than you believed.

What should you do now? IMO, you should:

1) Take your W down from the pedestal you've placed her on for the first 32 years of your marriage.

2) Stop assuming that your W hasn't done things that she shouldn't have _during_ your marriage -- I would demand a polygraph test.

3) Expose what she's done to at least a few close family members to give her some consequences for her betrayal.

4) Tell her that her insensitivity to your feelings is unacceptable and that, if she doesn't start showing remorse for her betrayal real soon, you will have to reconsider your commitment to her.

Her behavior, both before you were married and now, smacks of entitlement. I suspect that, if you think hard about it, you will remember other things that your W has done over the years that did not sit well with you but that you swept if under the rug because you idealized her. If this is the case, you need to accept a degree of responsibility -- not for her cheating and lying, but for her attitude now. Stop treating her like a princess, give her consequences for what she's done, let her know what you can live without her and there's a good chance that she will finally become the woman you always thought she was.

If you're not able to do this, then be grateful for the 32 good years you've had with her, try to put this disturbing discovery out of your mind as best you can and hope that there are no more unsettling revelations in the future.

Wishing you the best.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Iredhne said:


> How can you be so sure she's been faithful...


He has the same guarantee you, I, and the rest of the folks have.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

judp25 said:


> Hi,
> 
> I found out some information over the weekend that really threw me, and it bothers me. It bothers me a lot. Among things I would like to understand are: why after so many years does this bother me, and should it bother me the way it does.
> 
> ...


Um petty? petty? Wow...well she is a cheater and has lied to you for 32 years. Oh and she married you not giving you all the information you needed to make the decision for yourself. Plus I'm not buying she has been a faithful wife for 32 years - at all...I guarantee you this is only the beginning. I'm so sorry you are here but your roller coaster is only beginning. Be prepared for the worst..she is not the woman you thought she was....


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Why did she confess now? What happened to cause her to confess?


How do you know she had been faithful since then? How could you possibly know for sure?

She has been able to keep a secret for 30+ years. She could look at you in the eyes and lied for 30+ years.

How do you know she has been faithful for 32 years? 

You cant know.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I fully understand that it bothers you (I had something similar happen to me). Here is why:


To her it was over thirty years ago but to you it is just now that you found out
If you had known then what she had been doing you would not be together - you might have met someone who was truly in love with you, was wonderful and might have been even better for you - she took that away from you
SHE CHOSE TO DECEIVE YOU - COLD BLOODEDLY - this was not a misunderstanding, not a mistake, not confusion - this was deliberate - a person who loves you does not do this - so that when she chose you over him it was not out of love but some other motives - this is a killer
Being kept in the dark about something like this for this long does affect your confidence, manhood, trust and makes you wonder if the last 30 years of your life was just a lie - sure she never cheated on you since then (you think, you hope) but even so this started out with you assuming she was a certain person and when she was really a much colder different person having her fun at your expense.

The question is what do you do about it now. The very least is that you first tell her about the above points. The next, really important step, is to see if she (a) understands it, (b) accepts it and (c) does something about it to show that she is remorseful and explains to you clearly and truthfully why she did it and why she chose you (even if the answer is not what you want to hear - she needs to understand that only this type of honesty will set you free). Your third step will depend on the second - if she doesn't accept what she did and show remorse (especially after 32 years of deceit and yes, thats what it was) then she may not be worth staying with for your remaining life.

Whether you stay together or not, whatever happens, you need to do the above to help yourself and then take appropriate action.

I wish you the best of luck and healing in this.


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

waiwera said:


> Personally *I* find this just shocking.
> How can your wife expect *you* not to feel shocked and hurt and betrayed.
> 
> This is new and painful for you...she's known for 32 yrs. It's old news to her.
> ...


I agree too. It's a massive deal that she was unfaithful. The only reason why it was sooooo long ago (as your W states) is because she lied and deceived you for this length of time. 

You both were living together like man and wife. Surely that meant you were serious about each other. Did you make an agreement that the two of you could have sex with other people? I don't think so.
She cheated on you several times in YOUR bed!! Then lied to you and deceived you for 32 years. That's terrible.

You would have seriously reconsidered your relationship had you found out at that time. She robbed you of your choice. Disgusting. And now you are confused with who your W is. 

Your wife needs to understand and show remorse. This if far from petty and I doubt you will be able to rug sweep this anyway. It concerns you greatly otherwise you would not have posted on here. I am sorry that you are here OP


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Jude,

The good news is that she was comparing the two of you and chose to marry you. How many children did you have? She voted with her womb. That is a big deal for women.

The bad news is the deception was nefarious.

The key is to say that you are coming out in good shape because you owe it to yourself. If you can be philosophical about it and not feel resentment, you will in some sense be in the driver's seat. I think you would have to be really secure to have that self assurance. The average guy doesn't.

If you cannot drop it, you should examine your heart. Are you willing to risk divorce? A sexless marriage? The worst would be that you cut off sex and she said 'fine' while you remained married. 

You don't want to end stranded in worse place. 

One obvious tactic would be to 180 her. To that right you must wear a confident smile but cut the communication down so that she feels your disengagement. If she loves you and feels anxious, she ought to become remorseful. 

If she is incapable of remorse maybe you should find someone else to grow old with.

A polygraph might bring forth a great deal but it implies the cudgel of divorce. Has she faithful through the years?

You might tell your wife that exclusivity between you is over. It's not cheating if you say your marriage over in fact. 

You could also have good rough sex and call her some names and extract admissions from her. This might be the simplest way if you both have deep love and you just need to get the anger out.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I think I would be questioning what kinds of other lies I've been told over the years. I would want some evidence that she has been honest. I suppose some here can tell you how to get that evidence. I would not let her know I was doing the work to prove that to myself. 

I would want to put this into perspective before I make any rash decisions I cannot come back from. I would think if everything was "on the up and up" from that point on, I would need to talk with her and make sure she knew that it "feels like" it happened today. You need to ask her some questions and get those out in the open and answered. She may not even remember. 

If you can't bring yourself to make a decision because you are hurt so badly, I would recommend some IC to deal with what is going on with you. It really may not be a big deal to her since it was before marriage. In my mind, it would not be if there was no agreement verbalized. Implied agreements seem abusive to me. It's not fair to hold someone to some standard you never talked about. 

Just some thoughts I've been having about this situation. Take them or leave them. I'm certainly no expert.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

WTF is with these one-hit posters who take the time to tell their story and then never come back?

I'm getting sick of this crap. It has been happening alot here on CWI lately.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

judp25 said:


> Hi,
> 
> I found out some information over the weekend that really threw me, and it bothers me. It bothers me a lot. Among things I would like to understand are: why after so many years does this bother me, and should it bother me the way it does.
> 
> ...


You are not petty to feel the way that you do.

Tell your WW that what is 32 year old news to her is brand new news to you. She had 32 years to forget this you should have the same 32 years to get over this.

That her cheating, then lying about this has caused you to just make the last 32 years of your life just living one big lie. That her lying caused you to make sacred marriage vows that you would have not of made.

That WW committed fraud on you by lying to you.

Tell all of your WW this.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

ThePheonix said:


> He has the same guarantee you, I, and the rest of the folks have.


nope. I've been married for just as long as the OP; so let's just say that I think I have a *Platinum* (BTW I assume price of Platinum > gold?) guarantee that my wife has never cheated on me (i.e. ~ a 0% chance she has). Others may also have a Platinum guarantee, some may have gold, some silver, bronze, copper, lead.....all the way down to let's say, a "foam rubber" guarentee, one that's not worth muc etc.

so that's the analogy I make. We DO NOT all have the same guarantee. Not saying anything against the OP or anyone else, not saying I'm such a great guy either - just lucky in that respect. of course lives and marriages can run into bad problems that having nothing to do with infidelity. on that happy note..........


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

nuclearnightmare said:


> nope. I've been married for just as long as the OP; so let's just say that I think I have a *Platinum* (BTW I assume price of Platinum > gold?) guarantee that my wife has never cheated on me (i.e. ~ a 0% chance she has). Others may also have a Platinum guarantee, some may have gold, some silver, bronze, copper, lead.....all the way down to let's say, a "foam rubber" guarentee, one that's not worth muc etc.
> 
> so that's the analogy I make. We DO NOT all have the same guarantee. Not saying anything against the OP or anyone else, not saying I'm such a great guy either - just lucky in that respect. of course lives and marriages can run into bad problems that having nothing to do with infidelity. on that happy note..........


What you clearly do not appreciate is that many on here - me included - would have said the same. It was absolutely the last thing I expected my now ex-wife to do. I could have cited lots of logical reasons she wouldn't ever have cheated, plus that we had been very close for 23 years.

I hope it never happens to you, but you never see the one that gets you...


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

What if you told her that you cheated 32 years ago-Would that bother her?

It is like it just happened!

So she did wonderful things for him. What can she do to make it up to you? How about never cheat on you?


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

LostViking said:


> WTF is with these one-hit posters who take the time to tell their story and then never come back?
> 
> I'm getting sick of this crap. It has been happening alot here on CWI lately.


:iagree:

Sometimes I don't even bother with threads until I see OP have a least a few posts.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

Chris989 said:


> What you clearly do not appreciate is that many on here - me included - would have said the same. It was absolutely the last thing I expected my now ex-wife to do. I could have cited lots of logical reasons she wouldn't ever have cheated, plus that we had been very close for 23 years.
> 
> I hope it never happens to you, but you never see the one that gets you...



Chris:
My main point was that some people are much, much less likely to cheat than others are. and it is possible to judge which ones those are, tricky business that it is. and I'm not talking about most people on TAM CWI, I'm talking about most people. There are a lot of wives that do not/never cheat (and husbands for that matter). There's no good evidence of any epidemic of female infidelity, no more than the 14% or so that is cited in many places. So I'm just saying that often people that appear to have very solid character, and appear to love you - actually _have_ very solid character and actually _do_ love you. and yeah I think my wife is one of those. If I'm wrong then I'll have to join that club. 


I've certainly had the experience of being WAY OFF in my judgment of character, including someone who had been very close to me. But that was not a spouse. When I was younger I would have been a leading contender for being taken in by some full-time liar or fraud. Or even someone with a bit more integrity but a lot less able to withstand the pressures of life. so just saying I was lucky in that respect. 

I'll make you a promise: if it does happen to me, or if I find out that it did happen in the past, i'll come directly here and lay out what happened. citing this very post as well.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

LostViking said:


> WTF is with these one-hit posters who take the time to tell their story and then never come back?
> 
> I'm getting sick of this crap. It has been happening alot here on CWI lately.


One hit wonders. I have had the same thoughts lately. maybe he is reading and not commenting.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

I think sometimes some responses can come over as a little...forthright; I know when I first posted, had it been a couple of weeks earlier I wouldn't have come back as things would have been too raw to take on board the pretty heavy stuff that came my way.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Thorburn said:


> One hit wonders. I have had the same thoughts lately. maybe he is reading and not commenting.


He just found out his wife is a monster. Maybe that's all he needs to know
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Thorburn said:


> One hit wonders. I have had the same thoughts lately. maybe he is reading and not commenting.


Semi-trolling? Getting jollies by seeing what kind of reactions they can stir up? judp25, come on back and prove me wrong.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

What I would do is this. Set her down and tell her that you having been living a lie for the entire marriage and if she wants to see the 33 year together, then put her ass in the car and get her polygraphed ASAP. If she gives you noise about it, tell her either the poly or the court house and while she's waiting for the divorce to be final, she can live at the motel on the outskirts of town. Plain and simple.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

LostViking said:


> WTF is with these one-hit posters who take the time to tell their story and then never come back?
> 
> I'm getting sick of this crap. It has been happening alot here on CWI lately.


This is an open forum. Posters are not paid. The moderators do a good job for the most part. TAM is gritty and honest to the edge and that is best for all. Look at Flood, he posted for awhile, left and came back with a real follow up.

The OP needs to digest the commentary. He may be too depressed to respond. He may have mad a decision based on the advice received.

As long as the OP came with an honest question we should be grateful that he shared.

At this point the OP has a life time to consider. If he were to suffer a stroke, would his wife patiently support and nurse him? Would he her?

Do they have a good sex life?

If he discovers that one of his children is not his, then the situation is another.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

When an OP starts a thread he/she has an obligation to participate.

Im going to PM the moderators and make the suggestion that if an OP goes more than 72 hours without posting on his thread, then the thread should be locked until the OP requests that the mods unlock it until he/she posts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

LostViking said:


> When an OP starts a thread he/she has an obligation to participate.
> 
> Im going to PM the moderators and make the suggestion that if an OP goes more than 72 hours without posting on his thread, then the thread should be locked until the OP requests that the mods unlock it until he/she posts.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


...further discouraging the OP to return.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Chris989 said:


> ...further discouraging the OP to return.


Tough. You either want help or you don't. You either want to discuss your issues or you don't. This is a discussion board. If you don't want a dialogue, then get what you need and leave so the MODs can lock the thread. 

I think the OP got what he wanted from us. Hope he confronts her and doesn't fold.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Philat said:


> Semi-trolling? Getting jollies by seeing what kind of reactions they can stir up? judp25, come on back and prove me wrong.


He doesn't have to prove anything, to anyone.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

michzz said:


> Why so bent out of shape?
> 
> He sparked discussion, run with it.


I'm just going to drop it in the suggestion box. The mods can consider it or wipe their butts with it. No skin off my back either way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Even if the OP doesn't return, the comments may help another lurker with their issues......


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

LostViking said:


> *When an OP starts a thread he/she has an obligation to participate.
> *
> Im going to PM the moderators and make the suggestion that if an OP goes more than 72 hours without posting on his thread, then the thread should be locked until the OP requests that the mods unlock it until he/she posts.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No. They don't. *They have no obligation at all*.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> This is subjective ... You "thought" you two were exclusive. Did you talk with her about it? Because unless she agreed to that, you don't have much of a leg to stand on. You may believe it was "implied". It may be why you feel betrayed.
> 
> Unless there was some agreement, you really were not betrayed and these feelings are on you. You have to deal with them.
> It's only as important as you make it since you were not married. If there was no agreement, you are on your own to get the help you need to move past it.





nuclearnightmare said:


> OP:
> I think several have hit on the right attitude on this. That is though what she did may not have been cheating - technically -...


This is total bullchit. They were LIVING together for years. They were in an exclusive relationship. Marriage is NOT the only form of exclusivity.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

In addition to everything which has been written, I think the OP needs individual counseling plus the couple needs counseling. There's no way to get through this with a few simple conversations at the dinner table.

OP, get one of the excellent books on recovering from infidelity. I like "After the Affair" by Janis Spring.

My situation is similar though not identical. Married 31 years and recently learned of lies/deceptions from the beginning, lasting up to this year. I feel that she lied every single day of those 31 years when she failed to tell me the truth. Every single day is an opportunity to tell the truth, yet she kept the lie going.

She needs to know this is a big big deal. Not the sex, but the betrayal and the lies. And, most especially, the way she manipulated you into marrying her when you would not have done so if you were fully informed. She took away your right and ability to make a fully informed choice.


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