# She is on the verge and does not know



## tele (Jun 2, 2014)

Here we go.

About 2 weeks ago the wife came to me and wanted a separation because things we not going well. We have disconnect for about 2 years but we always made sure the house ran.

I have made dramatic changes to myself in the 2 weeks time. I feel better about myself and way more active. I have been spending a lot of time with my son and daughter. 

At this time we are 2 different people but i believe that we can grow as new people with a new start on life. She has made a bunch of changes about herself as well. She is right by saying that we cannot live the way we were. But i know that we can make it work. 

She thinks that we need time apart so we can find out how each of us is. Everything that I have read says that we you separate there is a 90 percent change that is will end in divorce. I dont want it to end. She is up for options but I dont know where to go from here. 

Parts of her are telling her that there is excitement out there and she needs to go experience it. I believe that this is something that I can give her. Not sure how but I know I can. In the house right now we tiptoe around each other to stay out of each others way. 

My question out there is how can I stay in the house, grow as a person and get my marriage back on track. I am aware that this is not going to be quick or easy.

Let me know your thoughts.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How long have you been married? Have you made sure there's no other guy in the picture?

Other than that, stay in the house, and in your bed. If she wants to separate, you can't stop her, but you don't need to help make it easier (i.e. don't fund her other place or let her off her obligations). Work on yourself, and the areas YOU see as problems. If she sees those changes and sees that you're doing them for YOU, maybe she'll decide to try again. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

tele said:


> Here we go.
> 
> About 2 weeks ago the wife came to me and wanted a separation because things we not going well. We have disconnect for about 2 years but we always made sure the house ran.
> 
> ...


Just some random thoughts.

It take two of you to get the marriage back on track. You can't do it alone. Either she is willing to try or not, but if you separate, there is always the risk that the separation will lead to a divorce. Consider that carefully before making that happen.

If she is looking for excitement outside of the marriage, then she has to ask herself why. Maybe some counseling would help her to realize that separating isn't worth the risk of losing you, if she is even remotely interested in salvaging the marriage. However, if she is "gone" (emotionally/mentally) from the marriage now, a separation won't fix that.

Does she like the "new you", the one you have changed into, or does it not make any difference to her? If it has not, and she still wants to separate, then she has already checked out.

Do you suspect that there may be another man in the picture?  Maybe nothing has happened yet, but is she considering dating during the separation?


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Read Bagdon's thread


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

For as many exciting things that are out there, there's just as many pit falls too. 

If she needs to separate then you can't force her to stay and if you could all you have is a worse situation.

If that's the case then let her know that once she leaves, then she's on her own and if she falls down, then she better know how to pick herself up because she can't have it both ways.

Honestly though, if your marriage is bad then you can make all the changes in the world but she has to also and if she can't, then your like a dog chasing his tail.

I hope she realizes that with the good, comes the bad.


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## tele (Jun 2, 2014)

We have been married for 13 years.

There is no other man in the picture that I am aware of. She is not doing anything that is secretive. 

The new me caught her off guard, I have not felt this good in many years. She asked me why I did not do this before. This whole experience opened my eyes to what an idiot I have been. 

I focused so much on making ends meet I forgot about the people that I love and the ones that love me. 

I am not sure if she wants to go out and date. She is longing to be desired, excitement and the chase. That is just my opinion. 

I also think that she is wanting me to leave the house.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So you haven't done anything to check? I'd start with that. Cell phone bills, if nothing else (assuming they have details of who was texted/called). I'm not saying that she's cheating; I'm saying that your response needs to be different if she is cheating, and there's a reasonable possibility that she is. 

Why should you be the one to move out, if she's the one that's not happy? Sometimes, a good dose of reality is what the discontent spouse needs. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tele (Jun 2, 2014)

I have checked all the records on her phone and the texts as well. Unless she is deleting them right away I am not finding anything that would lead to cheating.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

It's easy to delete things off the phone. Better to check the phone company records. Is she protective of her phone?

As far as the separation... Are you willing to accept her back if she goes out and sows some wild oats? Because based on what you say you think she's looking for, there seems to be a strong possibility that's going to happen. You need to have strong ground rules in place, and know your boundaries in advance. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I'm afraid the same will happen to me soon. I think that she feels that she's done her duty, put up with all she wants to put with, now she wants to party it up with other men using your money. Meanwhile you did all the work, concentrated on making the house run, paid the bills and all you get out of the deal is a nice big fat kick in the ass. She wants excitement and you want the family back to together, she want's to spend, you want to save, she wants extravagance you want to hold things together. You know, Tommy Lasorda was right, nice guys really do finish last.


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## Counterfit (Feb 2, 2014)

tele said:


> I also think that she is wanting me to leave the house......


Please DO NOT, under any circumstances, leave your home.

If she is talking about, or even just hinting at, your leaving the home you should obtain legal counsel as soon as possible.

I suspect there is more going on with her than you realize.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Don't move out.

Is she open to marriage counselling?

Can you describe in more detail this two year disconnect?


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