# My boyfriend is cyber cheating



## zelika (Dec 20, 2011)

*Update: My boyfriend is cyber cheating*

Ok so he's starting to come around and is getting way more willing to talk about it and actually apologised (that's major for him). To add another lovely twist, I was a little suspicious when I wrote this originally, but confirmed yesterday I am most definately pregnant. Great time for that to happen...... 


My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years now, we have lived together for most of that and things have been really good aside from this one little issue that keeps rearing its ugly head.

It started out I would find things in his facebook messages that would make me a little suspicious. I would confront him with it and he would assure me nothing was going on. I'd read the conversations and his excuses seemed plausible. As time went on I found some more suspicious messages in his inbox, this time they were a lot more sexual in nature. Again I confronted him and he said it was nothing and again his excuses seemed plausible. I did the same thing later, but this time the sexual chit chat was over the line (asking for nude pics etc). I confronted him and he immediately started freaking because I dared to go through his personal messages. I got him back on the topic of what I'd found, and he did his best to avoid the topic and I never did believe anything he told me. He changed his facebook password and I was retarded and didn't put up much of a protest since I don't like having to invade his privacy because I understand he has a right to it, well did have that right anyway. 

A few months ago we were in the truck and his cell went off, he was driving so I picked it up for him, it was a text from some chick named jodi. I asked him who the hell jodi was, and he said "oh a friend of ash that keeps texting me and I'm trying to get rid of her". Ok fine, fair enough. ash is a girl that my bf and i both used to work with and my bf had slept with her before he had met me. She is psychotic, so it honestly does make perfect sense that she would give his number to her crazy friends. ash swears up and down that my bf is the father of her kid (we were together at what would have been the time of conception). She also swore up and down her husband at the time was the father at first. Seeing as he's black and that kid is snow white, it didn't take him long to figure out there was a problem with that theory. After the DNA test came back negative, she swore some other guy was the father and he also tested negative, now suddenly my bf is the father. She has been an ever present nuisance in our relationship since day one, she does anything and everything she can to drive a wedge between us. Its very obvious she's trying to get him to leave me for her. He was always somewhat nice to her in public, since we had to work together and the more he tried to get rid of her the worse she got. She worked at the same place as us, but not for the same person, so there wasn't really much we could do about her. It was best to keep the peace and humor her a little. She has since moved a province away, and that is where Jodi lives as well. Anyway, I noticed that this jodi kept texting, and he was replying. The other night I borrowed his computer and he had left himself logged into facebook. So, of course I looked through his messages since i was pretty suspicious of this jodi, and was still pretty choked about him changing his password, and what do I find????? About 6 months worth of dirty talk, sending/receiving of nude video's and pictures and etc. from BOTH Jodie AND ash!!!!!!!!!!!! They both knew he was doing the same thing with the other one. ash is a c*** and doesn't really care if I'm in the picture or not, but my bf had told her that we were on and off and not really going well. Jodie had asked about me and was very concerned that she was "the other woman" and didn't want it to be that way (ok, she gets points with me there). His answer was "why would you think that? I don't live with her, we're not married, we're on and off and our relationship is just her calling me when she needs her truck fixed and that's all". I'm sure you can imagine how I felt about that. 

I confronted him about it, and it got freaking ugly. He denied it up and down and said he had no idea how the pictures got there and pretended to panic that pictures he had "taken for me" were out on the internet. I called him on his obvious lie and he jumped out of the moving vehicle. Got him back in the truck, and the fighting and denying continued, and gradually he stopped denying but was avoiding saying anything more than he absolutely had to. He's a little choked that I'm not dropping it and I have signed us up for therapy. I would like to save the relationship, but I'm not going to go out of my way to do it if he's not serious about doing what he needs to do. If he doesn't want to do his part to fix this, I don't need him anyway. The next day I think he'd hoped I dropped it but I never did, and he's getting less and less reluctant to talk about it as time goes on. He acknowledges what he did was wrong. 

Before you guys start ripping him apart and telling me to leave, I have to say a few things in his defense. I sincerely doubt that he's unhappy in this relationship because if he is, he's definitely not showing any other signs of it. He's in every other way very respectful of me and is very good to me. He has never once stood in my way if I want to do something that he doesn't necessarily like. He will voice his opinion and tell me why he doesn't like my plan, but he won't stop me. He is not at all controlling, and is usually pretty aware and concerned about my feelings. Yes we fight, but not all the time. When we do we always resolve it and it RARELY ever goes to name calling. The rare occasion it does, he only uses the word *****. He never says "you are a *****", its ALWAYS "you are BEING a *****". That's the worst of the name calling towards me. I think this speaks volume because he's quick to start with the name calling with other people in arguments and he's pretty vicious about it too. 

I should also mention that he has some past issues, and I think they're related to whats going on. His dad died before he was born and his mom remarried another guy also before he was born. Dad was pretty strict and mom was often on dad's side even when Wolfe FELT like he wanted her to stick up for him. He has a younger half brother, and it was fairly obvious that the biological son was the favorite, so there's some issues there for sure. He was then married and divorced with a son by 21. The ex got a new bf who was beating her and the son. Her mother stepped in and took custody of the son. At the court date for custody, they said neither of them could reach my bf. Grandmother never did like my boyfriend and has completely cut him out of his son's life and moved him out of province. The son is now occasionally allowed to talk to my bf, but only when they want money and it is very obvious she is coaching him on what to say. You can tell when the son get's a hold of my bf and she doesn't know that he has, totally different kid. Anyway, point is that he has issues. All the women that Ive been suspicious of or know that he's been "talking to", all fit the same profile. They're single, are constantly in and out of relationships, have usually been married a few times, usually have more than one kid all by different fathers, have no self respect or self esteem, can't hold a job, and I definitely would not describe them as smart to say the least. Bad things happen to good people, but these girls definitely brought it all on themselves and don't learn from their mistakes. They have so much baggage that the only men that want anything to do with them are total losers. 

I did find a message from another woman as well. He was up to the same crap with this woman online, but this one started talking about meeting up for sex. She lives a province away, but she was coming into town on business and would have had a hotel and was prepared to pick him up. He was talking to her like he was all up for it and even scheduled a date and a time. The day after it was scheduled to happen there was a message saying that she was disappointed that he couldn't make it. He said that he couldn't get out of the house. The thing is, I wasn't even home that night. Not only was I not home, I was 2 provinces away for close to two weeks. He very very easily could have done it and likely have gotten away with it, but he didn't. She attempted 3 times to get him to meet up with her while she was in town, and each time there was a message dated for the day after the "appointment" stating that she was disappointed he never showed. At least two of the times he easily could have gotten away with it. 

I asked him to give me his facebook and email passwords and he refuses. He said it works both ways and I need to trust him. I told him he needs to earn my trust, and giving me his passwords are a good way to do it. He continues to refuse to hand them over. I'm not pressing it for now but I plan on bringing it up again and again until he caves. I never would have checked any of it in the first place had he not given me reason to be suspicious. He also doesn't know that his browser history tells me a lot more than he thinks. He thinks it just says he was on facebook, but I can tell who's page he looked at on face book and if he sent a message it tells me who the message was sent to but not what it said. I don't plan on telling him this since he'll just start deleting his history. He says he blocked all three of these women and swears to never talk to them again, so I can at least see if he's sending them messages even if I can't see what they say. 

Anyway, I'm sorry about the novel, but what do you guys think of this whole mess and how I'm handling it? I really don't want to drive him towards these other women, but I don't want to waste anymore time on him if he's not going to put the effort in.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You sound very smart, I think you deep down know the answers to your questions already.

He's got serious boundary problems and a cast of women around him that seem not smart and not very high on the morals scale. You know what is up and what will come from hanging around them.

Run.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

zelika said:


> Anyway, I'm sorry about the novel, but what do you guys think of this whole mess and how I'm handling it? I really don't want to drive him towards these other women, but I don't want to waste anymore time on him if he's not going to put the effort in.


I think you`re living with an obvious loser and you need to leave or kick him out.

Seriously girl, camming with two crazy *****es AND making dates for sex with another?
Doesn`t matter he didn`t show up for them he made dates to have sex with a stranger over the net.

Maybe his microscopic moral center kicked in at the last minute and maybe there are entirely different reasons he didn`t go through with it but it`s all moot.

I have no doubt he loves you but .50 and all the love in the world still won`t buy me a cup of coffee.

Your relationship will continue as it is with him ****ing around with other women forever.

Dump him.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Your boyfriend is sleeping with 2 other women but you don't want to leave him because he treats you so nice :scratchhead:
My ex husband was also sleeping with other people. I kinda thought that was the opposite of nice???


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## zelika (Dec 20, 2011)

first off, I want to thank you all for taking the time to read my novel and giving me your opinion. I really appreciate it. I should also mentioned that we are signed up for couples counseling, and I won't make the decision to leave until we've had a few sessions or if he does something really dumb before then. 



AppleDucklings said:


> Your boyfriend is sleeping with 2 other women but you don't want to leave him because he treats you so nice :scratchhead:
> My ex husband was also sleeping with other people. I kinda thought that was the opposite of nice???


He isn't actually sleeping with anyone, its ALL dirty talk and pictures online. I'm very confident he is NOT having actual physical sex with anyone.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

zelika said:


> first off, I want to thank you all for taking the time to read my novel and giving me your opinion. I really appreciate it. I should also mentioned that we are signed up for couples counseling, and I won't make the decision to leave until we've had a few sessions or if he does something really dumb before then.
> 
> 
> 
> He isn't actually sleeping with anyone, its ALL dirty talk and pictures online. I'm very confident he is NOT having actual physical sex with anyone.


I hope he's not but seriously, don't be so sure of that.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

It's still an affair. It's an emotional affair.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Your boyfriend has done you the favor of cheating before you are married with children. You can literally be rid of him by this time tomorrow. And you should.

If you stay with him now, you will have only yourself to blame when he does it again.

Good luck.


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

Your boyfriend doesn't respect you enough to be faithful to you, to be truthful to you, or to be willing to change of his own volition. You're signing him up for counseling and he is not being transparent or honest. I'm guessing that he will go along with the counseling to keep you from hassling him, that he will continue cheating (sounds like a serial cheater to me) because that's where he's getting his ego boost from, and that he'll just learn to hide it better. Also, since the women he seems to be talking to seem to be unsavory (to put it politely) you will be at a serious risk for STDs. Unless you want to continue in an open relationship with this person, you should definitely leave him. Maybe that will open his eyes to what he has lost and make him want to be a better person to earn you back. If you tolerate this now, you will get more of it forever. You're not even married yet....just leave him and be friends if you can. You seem smart and loyal and decent and logical, but your self-esteem might not be high enough; you should value yourself more than to be with someone who is not treating you with respect. That he has issues is no excuse for him. That you're making excuses for him means you're in love with him enough to put up with whatever he is doing. Ask yourself sincerely if he is actually offering you something worthwhile in exchange for this disrespect on the side. If he is, then stay; if he isn't, then go. Couples counseling is unlikely to be useful because he sounds reluctant, unrepentant, and unremorseful. Save yourself the heartache and just walk away....maybe that way you can salvage a friendship instead of court the immense heartbreak that will follow if you stay with him.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

*or if he does something really dumb before then. *

What more does he have to do before you SEE how crappy this is? You either can't or don't want to see that he doesn't value your relationship or YOU at all. Or he wouldn't be doing all that. And even then, it's not about you.... he's a loser who should not be in ANY relationship until he grows up and figures out what commitment is.

You have GOT to value yourself more than that. I think you will never feel "loved enough" or "sexy enough" or whatever.... because he doesn't have it to give you. Find your strength within yourself. You are worth more than this, and you are better off without him.


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## StrangerThanFiction (Jul 19, 2011)

I had a roommate in college that sounds similar to your boyfriend. Cheated on his girlfriend all the time. She'd go off and on with him when she found out. They got married.

I met up with him recently for lunch. he's been married probably 16-17 years and i got the impression he is still banging other girls left and right, while his wife and boys are at home.

Can your boyfriend change? I'd say its possible. Do the odds say that it is likely he WILL change? I'd say not really. You're with a bad egg. Consider your present circumstances fair warning about what to expect when married.


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## zelika (Dec 20, 2011)

Update: Ok so he's starting to come around and is getting way more willing to talk about it and actually apologised (that's major for him). To add another lovely twist, I was a little suspicious when I wrote this originally, but unsure so I never mentioned it. I confirmed yesterday I am most definately pregnant. Timing on that one was fantastic (not), and I'm far from a maternal person to start with. This week just gets better and better. I haven't told him yet, and I don't think I should for a little while given the circumstances.


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## halfway (Dec 22, 2011)

zelika said:


> Update: Ok so he's starting to come around and is getting way more willing to talk about it and actually apologised (that's major for him). To add another lovely twist, I was a little suspicious when I wrote this originally, but unsure so I never mentioned it. I confirmed yesterday I am most definately pregnant. Timing on that one was fantastic (not), and I'm far from a maternal person to start with. This week just gets better and better. I haven't told him yet, and I don't think I should for a little while given the circumstances.


Zelika I wish you the best of luck, just remember why you came here in the first place, what brought you here? That is the little voice in your head telling you what the right thing to do is. 

Most of us come here for some reason seeking answers wanting to talk with people who may have been through the same situation,.

All I can tell you is from your story the guy sounds like a real creep, and is having a big time thinking he is some player. Chances of that changing down the road is slim considering you guys have been together that long. Why stop now? Can you ever trust him again? Are there other people out there that will love just me and not act like Anthony Weiner?

Seriously I think you know the answer, there is a ton of decent guys out there that you won't have to go through this drama with. I remember going to my High School reunion, everyone there had grown up got jobs some great success stories, some not.. But you know what they were all the same people they were in High School, personalities in tack.


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## miscommunication (Oct 1, 2011)

First even with the circumstances, congratulations on your pregnacy. This should be a real motivator for the both of you to work your issues out as you are now going to be parents. My fear would be that the timing of your discoveries and the pregnacy couldn't have been worse as the stresses of both will strain the relationship even more. 

I give the following thoughts with the experience of being both the offender as well as the offended. I cheated on my wife last year (sexual affair) and she cheated (both emotional and sexual) for about a year or so. The use of facebook and texting facilitated mine as it allowed a certain courage to bring up subjects that led to inapproppriate conversations....something that I would not do in person. The use of texting and email allowed her the same opportunity with a man she had known for 13 plus years. 

I wouldn't say that your boyfriend has or hasn't had physical contact with other women but I think you know that there is a high likelihood that he has and if he hasn't he likely would have. The jump from flirty to sexual to sex can happen rather quickly but has long lasting implications (I am proof of that). 

I don't have the answers that you are looking for but it seems that you want to keep your boyfriend and are taking steps to fix the issues in your relationship. I highly encourage that you not let him minimize his actions (I tried when I was busted the first time, looking at and replying to ads on a swinger website). In his mind he doesn't see the harm that he has caused nor the pain you feel. I hope he takes this seriously and uses the counseling as an opportunity to fix the problems both at his own level as well as the relationship. For me it took hitting rock bottom (my wife filing for divorce after finding out about my sexual affair) to honestly realize what I was losing and hit rock bottom and actually put the effort that my marriage deserves. In my situation that effort is coming after much damage and I wish I had actually participated the first time we did counseling. 

I hope that he comes to realize this sooner rather than later, later might be too late and damage too great. What can you do to help? That I'm not sure of but here are things that as the cheater I wanted to avoid:
Taking responsibility- I didn't want to acknowledge that what I did was wrong and that I caused the one person that I love so much pain.
Discussing my wrong doings- This was part of taking ownership, if I discussed it then it meant that I was acknowleding the wrong.
Showing remorse- I showed remorse but for the wrong things. I was sorry that I had hurt my wife (the first time I got busted) but since I didn't take ownership of my actions that's about where it stopped. Being on the side of the offended with my wife's affaird I suffer some extreme emotional turmoil and pain, I can't imagine how bad it must be for my wife. I am now truly sorry for everything I have ever done from the inappropriate conversations to the actual affair and wish I could wipe it all away. 

I was also very much afraid of losing my wife and still am (we aren't out of the woods and don't know if we ever will be). With this fear I didn't want to have to address the root cause of some of our issues (I feared my wife would see me as less of a man, would feel that I blamed her for everything and would resent me). I hindsight I should have fixed those problems as they later manifested into my sexual affair and now my fears have become a reality. My wife sees me as less of a man, feels that I blame her and resents me. 

If you are committed to the relationship and getting him to open up I would suggest that you give him a "safe harbor" so that he can discuss issues with you without the fear of you shutting down and leaving him (that is if he wants to really make the relationship work). I don't know the dynamics of your relationship so maybe you know better than me what will or will not work. 

Now on a different note, I would definitely set boundaries. I don't think it is unreasonable to ask that he give you his passwords or that you have access to his phone or email. I didn't initially want to do that because I knew that I had done wrong in having inappropriate conversations with women that were not my wife. I can admit that now and own up to it. But it took my wife finding out about them. Now that she knows it all and I am no longer engaged in that activity I have absolutely no problem doing so. It was actually a huge weight off my shoulders to not have to worry about it constantly. 

When you read posts on here or replies keep in mind that people are giving their opinions based upon what they have experienced. Keep in mind that as much as your situation may be a mirror of things many others have gone through, when it comes right down to it you and your boyfriend are unique individuals. I hope this helps some. I wish you the best of luck with whatever you decide to do.


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## zelika (Dec 20, 2011)

miscommunication said:


> First even with the circumstances, congratulations on your pregnacy. This should be a real motivator for the both of you to work your issues out as you are now going to be parents. My fear would be that the timing of your discoveries and the pregnacy couldn't have been worse as the stresses of both will strain the relationship even more.
> 
> I give the following thoughts with the experience of being both the offender as well as the offended. I cheated on my wife last year (sexual affair) and she cheated (both emotional and sexual) for about a year or so. The use of facebook and texting facilitated mine as it allowed a certain courage to bring up subjects that led to inapproppriate conversations....something that I would not do in person. The use of texting and email allowed her the same opportunity with a man she had known for 13 plus years.
> 
> ...


Actually this was very helpful. The timing is awful and to top it off I don't really want or even like kids which makes it all the more stressful. This will be fun.....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> Your boyfriend has done you the favor of cheating before you are married with children. You can literally be rid of him by this time tomorrow. And you should.
> 
> If you stay with him now, you will have only yourself to blame when he does it again.
> 
> Good luck.


:iagree: :iagree:


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