# I need to be tough!



## specialplace (Aug 18, 2012)

I have posted here a few times before, but I need help getting tough! I have been with my husband for 20 years and one have one child together. He informed me several months ago that he doesn't think he wants to be married any more because he wants to "do whatever he wants without having to check in with anyone." I was devastated. I tried to hold things together, but my constant attempts to "fix" things just drove him farther away. We have been separated for about six weeks. 

During the time that he was home after he announced he wasn't sure about our marriage, he was very secretive. Always on his phone, not spending time with me, not showing me any affection, etc. I asked him if there was someone else and of course he said no. About a month or so before he left, I had a phone call telling me that there was someone else and I confronted him. Again he said no and actually seemed to be honestly upset about the pain that that was causing me. After we separated, I have had more than one person tell me that he was/is having a relationship with this person. 

My question is this... so far, I am not angry, just incredibly sad. I am debating filing for divorce on the grounds of adultery. He told me if I do this that he will make everything very difficult for me, we will never have any kind of relationship/friendship, and that he will do everything he can to make me look "emotionally unstable". He said that he will tell stories about how much I have been crying and distraught over the separation and that even before that, that I told him in the months that we were not getting along how unhappy I was with my life. He will make it appear that all of this adds up to me not being a good mother. 

I know that I have to continue to communicate with him and see him for a very long time due to the fact that we have a child together. I am so torn. I feel like if I don't file with adultery, I am caving in to his bullying, but, on the other hand, I want to make things as drama-free as possible for all of us. What do I need to do???


----------



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I do understand how you feel. I'm separated after 27 years of marriage and it just feels horrible.
You are devasted. He is not.
You tried to make the marriage work. He did not.
You are concerned about your family. He is not.
You want to "make things work" for everyone. He does not.
You want to have an amcable co-parenting strategy. He does not.
You bring up valid legal options, created by HIS behavior. He threatens to smear your reputation with lies.
He will lie to continue his A and to attempt to justify his behavior.
You know the truth.
Now put on your big girl pants and do what you already know you have to do. Go file, take care of yourself and your child. He will not.


----------



## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

Special, he's bullying and threatening you. My husband did the same thing and I was scared that he would take my kids away, leave me with nothing, and will be made to look like the crazy one who 'drove' him away. It took me about 3 months to see the light and realize that it didn't matter what he told me. Friends, strangers (from kids' school, church etc) and family members KNOW what a great person I am and how I was a real good mother and wife. 

In those 3 months, I tried to do everything to 'save' our marriage, only to make him more angry and drove him farther away. I woke up one day, knowing that this was not the life I wanted. I didn't want to be disrespected that way and my kids and I didn't deserve it. That was when I started to do the paperwork for divorce. He was served about a month later and boy was he mad! He didn't think I would do it and basically, he thought I would stick around and be a doormat. Wrong! 

It took him a little over 2 months after serving the papers that he came and apologized to me. I always wondered what I would do when that day came and to my surprise, I told him that I didn't want anything to do with him anymore. 

The best thing I've learned her on TAM is the 180. It's hard to do with kids, but it really helped me keep my distance from him and i'm more at peace now. Feeling a lot better about myself too.


----------



## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

The quick, easy and cheap divorce is always through a Irreconcilable differences or no contest divorce. I would sit him down and go over all the financial things, child support and see where he stands. If its acceptable to you go that route for sure and move on with your life. Though I would consult a lawyer first with whatever you and your ex worked out before doing anything. 

If not then file for adultery or sue for alienation of affection. If you have any evidence or enough witnesses he will have no leg to stand on no matter how he tries and paints you. Most judges will take into account certain things to a extent, but for the most part they try to follow equitable distribution.

Don't let him bully you. He may be angry at first, but if you have children together it will pass someday.


----------



## Isuck (Jul 1, 2012)

Sounds like a real turd for bullying you like this. I would just take your time, let him file for divorce. Cut him off though, move on in the meantime. If you try, he'll just be in the power position.

(Easier said then done of course!)


----------

