# Should I give up ???



## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Yesterday i received an email from my wife we have been separated for 2 weeks now. Well in her email she stated that I should move on that no matter what I did to make myself better that her feelings for me would never change and that it was over. She said the she didn't want a relationship with me or anyone else. So in your all opinion does it sound like she has made up her mind and is moving on in her life without me ? or do you think maybe she is confused and need time to sort out her feelings..

any thoughts are appreciated


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## Guest (Nov 11, 2008)

Sadly it is almost where my wife is at, just without the "it's over no matter what". I don't know your story but can you elaborate on the situation?

I will say if she has consistently being saying this it may be her true feelings. Good luck and I hope you find your happiness.


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Jason said:


> Sadly it is almost where my wife is at, just without the "it's over no matter what". I don't know your story but can you elaborate on the situation?
> 
> I will say if she has consistently being saying this it may be her true feelings. Good luck and I hope you find your happiness.


well a month ago out of the blue she told me she didnt love me anymore but didnt want me to leave or she wouldnt leave that maybe we could fall in love again. Well i started counseling to help sort through my feelings because i was starting to smother her. well this went on for a few weeks and one night she snapped and asked me to move out. When i wnet to pick up my stuff she had it all packed up by the door waiting. I mentioned that it looked like she was trying to get me out of her life.. she said yes she was didnt want me in her life she needed space. well i havent contacted her much over the 2 weeks excpet to see my girls and yesterday i sent and email saying i missed her and loved her. well she replied back that it was time to move on 
that it was over and her feelings would never change if if i changed. She said she wanted to meet someone in the future who she has the same interests with and that she didnt want a relationship with me or anyone esle.. breaks my heart seeing how cold she is towards me after 15 years together..


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## magicsunset08 (Oct 30, 2008)

She is confused. When she is telling it is over, she wants you to leave her alone. It is all part of her defense. I had my wife say similar things to me about 2 years ago. When you tell her you love her it actually annoys her. She does not want to hear that right now. I am not saying you should give up, I am just saying..leave her alone. Give her space. If there is still hope on your end, don't you give up. Let her make that decision. Moving forward does not mean finding another woman, but just get back into your hobbies. If you don't have any find some. This may sound weird, but if she says you are not her type anymore and you try to change to fit what she wants...she may resent you. She may see you as a pushover. I went through all of that stuff. Right now it may be best for you to just leave her alone because telling her nice things and trying is not going to work. If you want to change...do it for you, not her. If you change for her, you may end up resenting her later and you will be right back where you are now. Find a place where you are confortable with yourself and stick with it. Let her see what is out there. That is the worst part of it. You cannot imagine your wife with anyone else or yourself either, but the reality is that it may happen. Don't be so dependent on her and do not let her influence your feelings. Take this oppurtunity to find yourself again. Good luck.


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Thanks Magicsunset08,

i appreciate your comment I do have hope and will give her the spcae she needs. I guess its in gods hand now i will prey for her well being and hope she figures out what she wants. 

thanks again for your comforting words !


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## Guest (Nov 12, 2008)

I'm in the same boat as you. I have infidelity now with mine or at least emotional infidelity. I can't trust her at all and thought I could. At this point I'm now the one moving on which is where you have to start as well unfortunately. Good luck and I hope things change for you.


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## dinger (Nov 4, 2008)

Jason,

The Wife and I just went through one hell of a storm, and she said similar things.

Don't quit.
Don't consider quitting.

Matter of fact, double up on your efforts, and resolve to Never quit ever.

The fact you keep trying is bieng noticed, and means something, or she would have never mentioned it.

One thing is sure. If you quit, it will tell her that she is right in assuming things are over and not worth the trouble of trying anymore.

On top of that, YOU will not have done everything you could, and it will eat at you like a parasite later.

Quitters moan and snivel everytime they lose, and they wonder why they never finish ahead.

If you don't quit, and she flushes the relationship anyway, you can hold your head high after a bit. You tried.

Quitting is for the French Military, and we all know how well it has worked for them.

Say a prayer, and get back at it!
Don't quit.

I wish ya luck, and Prayers sent!
dinger


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

dinger said:


> Jason,
> 
> The Wife and I just went through one hell of a storm, and she said similar things.
> 
> ...


Thank you Dinger,

I have decided to give her her space she asked for, only let her do the contacting if she wishes. After getting the email from her I replied back that I would honor her request and let her be but to remember that I loved her very much and would always be there for her and my girls. That no matter what matter what happens she was still my soulmate and would always be in my thoughts and prayers. Maybe time away will make her think about what she is losing and help her to forgive. Thanks for the support and best wishes to you.

Skinman


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## magicsunset08 (Oct 30, 2008)

Don't give up! Don't get used though. Trust your gut instincts. You are in for some tough times man. You can do it though. If you really do love her, ride the storm.


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

magicsunset08 said:


> Don't give up! Don't get used though. Trust your gut instincts. You are in for some tough times man. You can do it though. If you really do love her, ride the storm.


magicsunset08,

thanks for the kind words. I do still love her and will try almost anything to get back in her good grace. She just called me telling me our 12 year old daughter broke down last night crying uncontrolably maybe now she will see just what her actions have done to our family. It breaks my heart to hear this it didn't have to happen like this..

Skinman


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

skinman said:


> magicsunset08,
> 
> thanks for the kind words. I do still love her and will try almost anything to get back in her good grace. She just called me telling me our 12 year old daughter broke down last night crying uncontrolably maybe now she will see just what her actions have done to our family. It breaks my heart to hear this it didn't have to happen like this..
> 
> Skinman


can i lend an opinion here?

kids and moms are tight...if you give to your child, really give, even if it's not around mom, you will reap the rewards. and no blame/guilt stuff either. real unconditional, one-way love toward your daughter. your wife will feel that, it will have a positive effect long-term, i promise.


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

voivod said:


> can i lend an opinion here?
> 
> kids and moms are tight...if you give to your child, really give, even if it's not around mom, you will reap the rewards. and no blame/guilt stuff either. real unconditional, one-way love toward your daughter. your wife will feel that, it will have a positive effect long-term, i promise.


Thanks voivod,

I appreciate all your kind words and my daughters are the most important thing to me at this point. I havent given up hope yet so keep me in your thoughts !!

Skinman


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Well since I received the email on Monday i have pretty much now initiated any contact with my wife. She asked me to leave her alone so I gave her her wish. Well in the past few days she has called me 5 times with small request regarding our children. 
the first time she called she said "you really are trying to avoid me". I said no I was out of the office and hand't checked my voice mail yet. so last night i picked up my daughter and took her to karate practice when i got back I stopped in to say hello to my step daughter.. well in thefew minutes i was talking woth her my wife asked if i wanted to stay for dinner. I was pleasant very polite and giving off the impression that everything in my life was going good.. So I feel so good about what I accomplished and not let her see how hurt i have been by all of this I thought I would share with everyone... I still hold out hope but in the meantime I am moving on for myself.


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

mommy22 said:


> She's missing you and flopping on what she had said originally. I figured she'd do that. She's in the midst of an emotional crisis. She just has to snap out of it.


thanks M22,

its so hard to tell though.. I tried hard not to let her see me in pain and I admit it was tough.. I prayed constantly before picking up my daughter for strength. I know it doesn't seem like much but it does give me a small glimmer of hope... Right now that is something I really need ...

Thanks M22..


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Last night was a tough one. I saw my wife when I visited my daughter.. All I could think of doing was grabbing her and hugging her for all I could, its been so long since we have hugged, the smell of her hair and the sound of her voice haunt me. I no longer sleep, when I do I have dreams of what I have lost, my family my self worth and my wife. Days are longer now just when you start feeling better something comes along and smacks some sense into you. You know it will get better but when.. they say time heals all wound but how much time.. I am so afraid that I will start feeling better and then the divorce will come along and bring me crashing back to reality as I watch my hopes and dreams die with my marriage.. 

today is going to be another long one...... Prey for strength..


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## Guest (Nov 14, 2008)

skinman said:


> Last night was a tough one. I saw my wife when I visited my daughter.. All I could think of doing was grabbing her and hugging her for all I could, its been so long since we have hugged, the smell of her hair and the sound of her voice haunt me. I no longer sleep, when I do I have dreams of what I have lost, my family my self worth and my wife. Days are longer now just when you start feeling better something comes along and smacks some sense into you. You know it will get better but when.. they say time heals all wound but how much time.. I am so afraid that I will start feeling better and then the divorce will come along and bring me crashing back to reality as I watch my hopes and dreams die with my marriage..
> 
> today is going to be another long one...... Prey for strength..


Skin, sorry man I haven't responded in a few days. I've been living what your saying as well. My personal demon is a wife who no longer says I love you or even love jody in her emails. I keep telling myself to believe in her and what she says her faithfulness is but then she continues to lie about her contact level with him. She is coming back on Sunday and I have no idea what women is coming back. 

I would suggest finding people who you know you can talk to to help you get some of this built up sorrow out of you. I am constantly feeling the same thing and have had some family and friends to help me vent. It's becoming exhausting reliviing every days hardships to people but it gives some release between the continued let downs your feeling from her. 

I wish you luck man.

Jason


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Jason said:


> Skin, sorry man I haven't responded in a few days. I've been living what your saying as well. My personal demon is a wife who no longer says I love you or even love jody in her emails. I keep telling myself to believe in her and what she says her faithfulness is but then she continues to lie about her contact level with him. She is coming back on Sunday and I have no idea what women is coming back.
> 
> I would suggest finding people who you know you can talk to to help you get some of this built up sorrow out of you. I am constantly feeling the same thing and have had some family and friends to help me vent. It's becoming exhausting reliviing every days hardships to people but it gives some release between the continued let downs your feeling from her.
> 
> ...


Jason,
thanks for the reply and I wish you luck in your life. Things have been tough this weekend. I know what you mean about the wife saying I love you.. mine quit saying it about a month before she kicked me out. everyday i made sure to tell her that I loved her just so she would know.. it finally got to the point where she asked me to stop saying she didnt care to hear that anymore. I want to have fatith that it might work out but the more i reflect on what she has said and done I dont know if i ever could take her back.. it would be hard. so good luck my friend I will have you in my prayers and thoughts that if she does come back to you that you all can work it out.

take care,
Skin


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

it ain't over, baby til it's overrrr...

who sang that, lenny kravitz?

don't give up man, if your family is worth it, fight for it. i firmly believe when she called you 5 times after you did the "do not contact" thing, she got a little panicky. she thought you might really "mean it." she has made her decision. she wants you around. too much ambiguity from the beginning when she said "we might fall in love again."

come on bud. is your family worth the effort?


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

voivod said:


> it ain't over, baby til it's overrrr...
> 
> who sang that, lenny kravitz?
> 
> ...


Thanks voivod,

yes my family is worth it to me. I have tried during this time away to make myself a better man. I have looked back at myself to see what all i could have done to not be in this situation and where we both made mistakes. I appreciate your enthusiam towards saving my marriage. I do love my wife and my family and having them with me again is the most important thing. It has been hard trying to show my wife the changes when she doesnt want to talk or see me most of the time. It hurts knowing that I am changing and she might never give me the chance to show her before its to late and things have been done and said that wont be able to be taken back.

I still have hope that she will think one day and give me another chance but my hope fades as each day does...

thanks again....


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

skinman said:


> It has been hard trying to show my wife the changes when she doesnt want to talk or see me most of the time. It hurts knowing that I am changing and she might never give me the chance to show her before its to late and things have been done and said that wont be able to be taken back.
> 
> I still have hope that she will think one day and give me another chance but my hope fades as each day does...
> 
> thanks again....


yeah, but you're changing, getting better. you are always gonna have that.

and besides, i told you before, she changed her mind once before, right??? who's to say?

things that can't be taken back? like anything in the past? we can't change the past. so anything that was said is just that: WAS.

"fades each day???" get up tomorrow morning and watch the sun rise. it's a remarkable thing. and it'll happen the next day, and the next day, and the next day, and...

each of those days is a new one, full of new hope. it's amazing what a fleeting positive comment from her brightens that day, right? we live for it, cuz we're guys. it's a little miracle. and it will happen tomorrow. that's why that sun keeps risin'.

buddy, hang in there. keep your powder dry and stay cocked and locked. pray for a miracle. they do happen.


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

voivod said:


> yeah, but you're changing, getting better. you are always gonna have that.qoUOTE]
> 
> Yes you are right I am changing but with each day that passes my hopes for her to see those changes fade. I know she is getting more confident that she can do it alone with each day. As her confidence grows. The hope of saving my marriage fades. Its hurts knowing that more than likely its over you say she changed her mind once and your right she did but this time seems different I know she is to proud to ever admit that she made a mistake and want to come back. I believe she would rather see what else it out there than give it another chance.
> I continue to prey for a miracle and strength but so far I have gotten neither.


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## NikiVicious (Oct 2, 2008)

skinman said:


> Yesterday i received an email from my wife we have been separated for 2 weeks now. Well in her email she stated that I should move on that no matter what I did to make myself better that her feelings for me would never change and that it was over. She said the she didn't want a relationship with me or anyone else. So in your all opinion does it sound like she has made up her mind and is moving on in her life without me ? or do you think maybe she is confused and need time to sort out her feelings..
> 
> any thoughts are appreciated


She may feel very certain now. But if this seperation is only two weeks new you can (if you choose) redeem and rekindle. I _highly_ recommend watching the movie "Fireproof." Let me say again....*HIGHLY RECOMMENDED*!  

Good luck and keep us updated.

*Click here to view the Fireproof Tailer*


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

NikiVicious said:


> She may feel very certain now. But if this seperation is only two weeks new you can (if you choose) redeem and rekindle. I _highly_ recommend watching the movie "Fireproof." Let me say again....*HIGHLY RECOMMENDED*!
> 
> Good luck and keep us updated.
> 
> *Click here to view the Fireproof Tailer*



thank you I will look into it.......


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Well last night we had a huge blowup.. She told me over and over how much she hates me for what i have done to her and made her become. She said she hasnt loved me in quite some time and never could again.. I have to admit that things havent always been great and i could have done much more to make them better but at the time i did all i knew to do. Since this all happened i have read a lot about relationships and how to better myself. I know she holds some blame in the downfall of our marriage but she thinks and believs it was all me. It hurts to know that with all her anger and bitterness towards me that she will never be able to look back on the good times we shared over our marriage and smile when a thought crosses her mind. I hope in time that she will be able to fogive me and herself for what happened..


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

question: what led to the blowup? there may be a hint there.


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

voivod said:


> question: what led to the blowup? there may be a hint there.


Well i called about my daughter picking her up Wednesday night and she said fine I then asked her about making me some picture collages for my apartment. well that got her in the bad mood.. after that she told me i could come by and get some money... out of my check that i was having direct depostited into her account.. well i told her i had canceled it and she flipped out.. she canceled my phone car insurance and pretty much told me over and over how she hated me for all that she has gone through... granted that she is the one bailed on the marriage its all my fault. Then i told her we would be selling the house in a year and she threatened tp move the girls out of state because she has never liked VA.

thats it in a nutshell....


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

skinman said:


> Well i called about my daughter picking her up Wednesday night and she said fine I then asked her about making me some picture collages for my apartment. well that got her in the bad mood.. after that she told me i could come by and get some money... out of my check that i was having direct depostited into her account.. well i told her i had canceled it and she flipped out.. she canceled my phone car insurance and pretty much told me over and over how she hated me for all that she has gone through... granted that she is the one bailed on the marriage its all my fault. Then i told her we would be selling the house in a year and she threatened tp move the girls out of state because she has never liked VA.
> 
> thats it in a nutshell....


control. she has no control. money. you were able to take her control away in one fell swoop. by cancelling direct deposit.

she hates herself for "all she has gone through" because she feels like she took steps to control her environment and those steps didn't work.

i saw an episode of "House" once where the lady that the main character was pursuing was breaking up with him. she made a statement about the reason she was leaving him. she said "because that's the only part of this relationship i can control." or something to that effect. it really woke me up. maybe that applies here.


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

voivod said:


> control. she has no control. money. you were able to take her control away in one fell swoop. by cancelling direct deposit.
> 
> she hates herself for "all she has gone through" because she feels like she took steps to control her environment and those steps didn't work.
> 
> i saw an episode of "House" once where the lady that the main character was pursuing was breaking up with him. she made a statement about the reason she was leaving him. she said "because that's the only part of this relationship i can control." or something to that effect. it really woke me up. maybe that applies here.


thanks voivod,

she has always been very controlling and now threatening to take my girls out of state if i make her sell the house is another way of trying to control me. it was all her idea that I leave the direct deposit in place for this month. but when she didnt offer any of "my money" i canceled it and it pissed her off.

I have not decided what to do about the house.. its still to soon to force the issue but i'm thinking of calling her bluff. i dont know if the example implies but I wanted to have hope that she would come around... but her hatred is so imbedded now i dont know if i could ever break it lose.


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## Sprite (Nov 3, 2008)

I agree with mommy22 here. I think there is more to the story than you are telling us. I am sorry to hear things are not going well, but no one just ups and leaves a 15 year relationship unless there is something else brewing. my opinion. 

From a womans perspective....i noticed something you said that really bothered me... something along the lines of...i hope now she will see what SHE has done to our family...talking about when your daughter broke down crying....ok....my beef is that it sounds like you want to blame her when in fact it was the both of you that let it fail by not communicating. Is this telling us something about your personality?

Have you asked her what brought her to this desicion? And you also mentioned something about you changing and she doesnt believe you will actually change. This is a problem....what is it she expects you to change? do you know what it is? or is it a bunch of little things that have added up over the years?

As far as I know from research I have done..her threat is just that...a threat...she can not take your daughter out of state unless you as her father give the ok for her to do so. If she had sole custody she could, but not as long as the two of you share custody..dont let her trick you into thinking she can do that. If she continues to threaten that...call her out and threaten her back that she will be reported as kidnapping your daughter if she does that without your consent. It goes both ways. She will not be able to do that unless you let her!

If you did have conversations before about this..where you really listening and in tune with her to understand what she was saying? sounds like a major case of lack in communication. 

Good luck!


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## Sprite (Nov 3, 2008)

oh..I forgot to ask this...did she work through out the marriage to contribute to the checking account?


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Sprite said:


> I agree with mommy22 here. I think there is more to the story than you are telling us. I am sorry to hear things are not going well, but no one just ups and leaves a 15 year relationship unless there is something else brewing. my opinion.
> 
> From a womans perspective....i noticed something you said that really bothered me... something along the lines of...i hope now she will see what SHE has done to our family...talking about when your daughter broke down crying....ok....my beef is that it sounds like you want to blame her when in fact it was the both of you that let it fail by not communicating. Is this telling us something about your personality?
> 
> ...


thanks... 

there were chance that both of us could have communicated better.. i wasnt perfect and yes there were times when i could have done a better job of realy listening to her and just not hearing her. and no i dont want to blame her when in fact I know it took both of us to make this work or break it up. I guess i was meaning that she wouldnt even give it a chance before she bolted. And as for me getting help to change yes I started therapy to better myself and see why I didnt always listen like i should have and what made me happy. My whole life was revolved around my family. I never went out with friends hardly ever. My thing was coming home from work everyday taking the kids to there functions and making sure things around the house were taken care of.. She worked evening when i worked days and that made things difficult wewould see each otehr for a half hour before she would leave. there eas hardly ever any time for us we both put the kids first... 

i admit there were communicating issue and i have tried not to blame her but in the same token SHE is the one that is baming me for all the mistake and shortcummings.....

there is no custody agrrement in place and she has been cooperative so far with visitation.... thanks for your response.......


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

mommy22 said:


> IMO,
> Since trust seems to be going out the window pretty quickly, is there a way you can find the source of her anger? Could it be that she complained for years and you weren't in tune or has she never said anything until now? .


I will admit that there were times when she confessed that I didnt always listen to her.. I would just hear her but thses didnt come up unti the last year or so.... I know it wasnt all my fault but her blaming me is her way of coping with it and making it easier for her to deal with IMO...... her anger is from me.. she said i was the reason that she wasnt happy about her life that she didnt want to live the rest of her life with me... She wanted to find someone whom she had things in common... she said all we had was our daughter.......


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

mommy22 said:


> For the record, you know from pms that I'm in no way trying to make you feel like this was your fault, Skinman. I know you're heartbroken. I hate that you're going through this. My suggestion was more along the lines of getting to the bottom of her sudden outburst. Typically, people begin to show signs that they're burnt out on the marriage. Saying things like, "I don't how much longer I'm going to be able to do this if some things don't change." Hints are dropped and discussions take place. I can't figure out why she just.... lost it! You're still in my prayers!!!


thanks... she has self esteem issues really bad.. a few days before she asked me to move we had made an appoinmtent for 30,000$ worth of plastic surgery for her to feel better.. She was so happy and looking forward to doing this and i was supporting her..... guess glad we didnt do it now...


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## Guest (Nov 18, 2008)

Skin, I feel for you man. I completely understand where your at. I have to tell you though, as I keep finding out a little bit more about myself everyday, that you and I are likely the cause of our wives despair and leaving. I know it's not what either of us want to hear but I am going to say it.

I kept/keep looking at what is wrong with her like I can fix it. I know she has had an EA with another person which is truely just a friendship. I found out and of course railed her for it. She just got back home last night after being away for 3 weeks and within 24 hours has enlightened me on how bad a person I have been to her. I expressed how much I've changed and how good I'm doing. She saw this and agreed but responded "that's great but its like a reformed drunk who is saying this after they killed someone while drunk driving". You see I killed my wifes spirit with my words and neglect. I have put her into such a broken state emotionally, that she has no outlet to cope with it, to the point that she is hollow as a person now. She says she is back home to "try" to work on this but that it may not be enough. Two years ago when we were driving back from TN after buying lotto tickets, she said to herself how much she wished we would win so she could leave. You see she has no where to go, no family to talk to or help, and is all alone. This last month was the first time she had the courage to walk away from us.

So now I am in utter turmoil inside as you likely are. I had kept grasping at straws trying to understand my wifes coping mechanisms like she just needed a tune up like a car. Yet, it isn't that. I've broken my wifes soul. Make a point to really dig deep, and find out what happened to her. She may be afraid to tell you because of the way you react (ME) and how badly she might be feeling from a form of abuse (ME) that we never thought we did or would have imagined doing to a person we love and cherish so deeply.

I wish you luck and hope everything works out in the end for you. Just dont go into this looking at her, look at you and figure out if you've dug deep enough to know everything.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

Jason said:


> Skin, I feel for you man. I completely understand where your at. I have to tell you though, as I keep finding out a little bit more about myself everyday, that you and I are likely the cause of our wives despair and leaving. I know it's not what either of us want to hear but I am going to say it.
> 
> I kept/keep looking at what is wrong with her like I can fix it. I know she has had an EA with another person which is truely just a friendship. I found out and of course railed her for it. She just got back home last night after being away for 3 weeks and within 24 hours has enlightened me on how bad a person I have been to her. I expressed how much I've changed and how good I'm doing. She saw this and agreed but responded "that's great but its like a reformed drunk who is saying this after they killed someone while drunk driving". You see I killed my wifes spirit with my words and neglect. I have put her into such a broken state emotionally, that she has no outlet to cope with it, to the point that she is hollow as a person now. She says she is back home to "try" to work on this but that it may not be enough. Two years ago when we were driving back from TN after buying lotto tickets, she said to herself how much she wished we would win so she could leave. You see she has no where to go, no family to talk to or help, and is all alone. This last month was the first time she had the courage to walk away from us.
> 
> ...


the comparison to a drunk driver is unfair, in my opinion. she can say that what you have done may not be able to be undone. that would be a fair statement.

also, please keep this in mind. reduce blame. you don't blame her, don't blame yourself. you keep referring to "fixing" her. you've already implied that you can't. but...

you CAN fix yourself!

nobody in these positions wants to hear " take care of yourself" because our thought process is "why? the only person that matters is her. she's the only one worth fixing myself for." but that's defeatist. if you are EVER going to be back in favor with her, you'd damned sure better be at your best.

jason and skin, i understand the pain you're suffering because i am/have suffered it too. and the suffering ain't done. focus your energies. that's what i mean by "don't give up."


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

.[/QUOTE]I wish you luck and hope everything works out in the end for you. Just dont go into this looking at her, look at you and figure out if you've dug deep enough to know everything.[/QUOTE]


Thanks Jason,
I wish you the best in your situation .. I do know that I am to blame for some of her feelings. there were times when i would get upset at her for not wanting to be intimate and I would pout and get bitter.. but then again she wasnt the most effectionate either.. so were both at fault to some point and i have forgiven myself for doing the best that i could at the time. Knowing now what i didnt then i would have done so much more to show her my love.. it does hurt to know that at one time I had a wife who loved me and would have done anything for me and I didnt show her the love she needed.. She even said last night that she hoped i would learn from these mistakes when i find someone else... I told her there wouldnt be anyone else.. I had my chance for happiness and blew it... why would i deserve another........

Good luck to you and thanks for the advice my Friend !!


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Thanks Voivod...

you offer some great advice my Friend.. keep pluggng away yourself..


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## Guest (Nov 18, 2008)

I wish you luck to Skin. It's unfortunate that this happened the way it did for us. I doubt either of us would have imaginged this. Stay strong and I wish you the best!!


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Jason said:


> I wish you luck to Skin. It's unfortunate that this happened the way it did for us. I doubt either of us would have imaginged this. Stay strong and I wish you the best!!


thank you Jason,

you are so right my friend I never imagined that I would be in this situation. I thought I would grow old with my wife and experience so many thinsg that we dreamed fo and planned for our future.. 

Take care and best to you and yours.
Skin....


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## facalda (Nov 17, 2008)

Keep doing what you're doing! In my experience the best thing to do is what you're doing - act like you're doing well, like you're not as hurt as you are. Often times when we act a certain way, our feelings catch up with us. You'll always love her and if there is a reconciliation, you'll start off strong and confident, as opposed to weak and vulnerable. Whatever you do, don't get mushy!

Also, if there is a reconciliation, I have some very simple but helpful advice. Listen to her. Not as in take her orders, but as in listen to her thoughts and feelings. It sounds like the situation is very emotionally charged. Good luck, you sound like a really good guy and that's a lot.


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

facalda said:


> Keep doing what you're doing! In my experience the best thing to do is what you're doing - act like you're doing well, like you're not as hurt as you are. Often times when we act a certain way, our feelings catch up with us. You'll always love her and if there is a reconciliation, you'll start off strong and confident, as opposed to weak and vulnerable. Whatever you do, don't get mushy!
> 
> Also, if there is a reconciliation, I have some very simple but helpful advice. Listen to her. Not as in take her orders, but as in listen to her thoughts and feelings. It sounds like the situation is very emotionally charged. Good luck, you sound like a really good guy and that's a lot.


Thanks..
i used to think that myslef but she has put so many doubts in my head telling me how its all my fault that she is miserable and I am at fault for all of our marriage problems... after a while it makes you wonder... as for reconciliation I dont think that is an option anymore ,,, the stuff she has said to me can be forgiven..... but never forgotten...

Skin


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

facalda,

the thing is I am not doing well and she can see that. She has been around me long enough to really see how I feel and whats on my mind. I try and be strong but sometimes my emotions fail me and i can no longer keep up the facade..
thank you for the suggestions ..... I will use them on the next wife.........


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## NikiVicious (Oct 2, 2008)

In my situation after 8 years together. it took me two years to work up the courage to walk away. I let it go beyond the point of broken. I just couldn't take it anymore, the neglect, the painful words, the violence. 

Voivod, said it best, it should not be your mission to 'fix her' or get her to forgive or own her faults. 

*Each person in the relationship must FIX and work on themselves. If either part does not try, or if its just plain to late, it may be the end. *

My husband says he wants to try and be the one I fall back in love with. But his actions have shown me otherwise. 

As far as the move you made to cancel the direct deposit into her account. *I think you did that out of fear, am I right?* Fear that she may continue to have financial control even though you're not together? 

After I found out my husband was trying to run up all our cell phone minutes and his family kept harrassing me through texting (using them all up in an attempt to make my bill higher) and saying slanderous things to me. I changed all the passwords to all the bills online and reported his phone lost/stolen. I took back control because I felt threatened. *Might your wife feel threatened by your current actions ??*

I can only tell you, that if you want this marriage to work, both of you have to work on yourselves and be willing to continue on with each other. If one does want to try and the other does not. It is up to the one who is willing to try against all odds. and the only thing that may save it is the 'tryers' actions and endurance. 

Mommy22 raises an excellent point! There must have been something to cause her to feel done after 15 years. Not just one or two fights.


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

NikiVicious said:


> As far as the move you made to cancel the direct deposit into her account. *I think you did that out of fear, am I right?* Fear that she may continue to have financial control even though you're not together?
> 
> NO THE REAON I CANCELED THE DIRECT DEPOSIT WAS THAT SHE WASN'T GIVING ME ANY OF MY PAYCHECK FROM OUR ACCOUNT WHICH I TOLD HER I WOULD NOT TOUCH. SO FOR ALMOST A MONTH ALL I WAS GIVEN WAS 400$ OUT OF CLOSE TO 4000$ TO LIVE OFF OF. I DID IT TO TAKE THE CONTROL BACK.. AND SHE DIDNT LIKE THAT ONE BIT.. IT AHS ALWAYS BEEN HER WAY OR THE HWY. MY OLDEST DAUGHTER FROM MY FIRST MARRIAGE WAS ESTATIC WHEN SHE HEARD THAT WE HAD SEPARATED. "ITS ABOUT TIME YOU LEFT" WERE HER EXACT WORDS.
> 
> ...


M22 WAS CORRECT IN HER ASSUMPTION IF YOU READ BACK IN MY POST I STATED THAT I WASNT ALWAYS THE BEST LISTENER I HEARD HER BUT NEVER REALLY LISTENED. SHE FELT THAT I WOULD NEVER CHANGE BUT SHE NEVER GAVE ME THE CHANCE. I NEVER ABUSED HER OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT IN FACT I WAS THE ONE WHO TOOK THE MENTAL ABUSE OF CONSTANT CRITICSM FOR WORKING TO MUCH OR WANTING TO MUCH EFFECTION. I FEEL SORRY FOR MY GIRLS THAT THEY STILL ARE SUBJECTED TO HER FLYING OFF THE HANDLE. I WAS A PATSY WHEN IT CAME TO HEAR FOR THE SAKE OF NOT ARGUING... 

the more I think about this the better it may be.. I love my wife dearly but she has control issue's that have always been there.
me not wanting to stir the pot went along for way to long..

I have to say.. I am getting to that good place everyone is talking about. the more I look at her the more I smile and think..... better him than me........


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

mommy22 said:


> I'm glad to hear you're finding that "good place".  Keep the faith. You never know, *much better *things could be in store for you in the future!


Thanks M22,
I am working everyday towards finding my "Good place" it is hard still but one day I hope to look back and be able to smile at all the pain I have gone through knowing what I better person I have become beacause of it all..

Skin.


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## Navywife (Nov 20, 2008)

Hi im in the same situation but mine is with my husband. he moved out a month ago and said he needs space. he tells me it pretty much is over but tells someone else he loves me and there is hope. i dont know what the truth is. keep your head up.can anyone tell me how to start my own posts


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Navywife said:


> Hi im in the same situation but mine is with my husband. he moved out a month ago and said he needs space. he tells me it pretty much is over but tells someone else he loves me and there is hope. i dont know what the truth is. keep your head up.can anyone tell me how to start my own posts


Im sorry to hear you in the same situation as i find myself in. I do know what your going through and my heart goes out to you.
in the begining of the forum you will see "new thread" that is how you start a new one. 

I wish you luck and hope all works out for you. I dont know if there is any hope left for my situation. I ove my wife of 15 years dearly and want my family back... but you know women when they set their mind to something its hard to change it.
I am hoping with time she will figure out what she wants in that time i will look at myself pretty deeply to see what mistakes i made and there were a bunch..

best wishes...
Skin


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Well yesterday was a pretty good day for me I was able to supress most thought of my wife from my head... I felt good and was looking forward to a good weekend .. Today is 100% opposite of yesterday I cant get her out of my mind. Tomorrow it will be a month since I moved out... knowing in the back of my mind that I have only 11 months to try and save my marriage
before its to late. The holidays are going to be tough on me this year knowing that I will be alone for the first time in nearly 20 years scares the heck out of me... Thanksgiving so close was always a good time at home.. now I will be by myself trying not to think of what my wife and girls are doing..... going to make for a long day.... It has been hard staying positive and moving forward knowing thats what i need to do but struggling with doing it...... hopefully today will be a good one...... keep me in your thoughts everyone.......... 

Peace......


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

question: what do you mean only 11 months to save your marriage?


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

voivod said:


> question: what do you mean only 11 months to save your marriage?


Well in my state you have to be separated for minimum of one year..... so in a sense.....I only have 11 months left....


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

skinman said:


> Well in my state you have to be separated for minimum of one year..... so in a sense.....I only have 11 months left....


buddy, that's an eternity. an it will fly by, i'm sure. keep posting, because there are days when you're gonna wanna do stuff that will set your efforts back, stuff you shouldn't do in the spirit of "trying."

keep us posted.


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

voivod said:


> buddy, that's an eternity. an it will fly by, i'm sure. keep posting, because there are days when you're gonna wanna do stuff that will set your efforts back, stuff you shouldn't do in the spirit of "trying."
> 
> keep us posted.


thanks Voivod,
but its tough man.. I want so bad to contact her and I know thats not the right thing. I have been thinking abouther all morning with no luck of getting her out of my mind.... I know I still have time and I should play hard to get and act like I am fine but its so hard... The urge I have to contact is greater than the one to not..........


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

mommy22 said:


> Why do you have to be without your girls on Thanksgiving? You don't have to spend it with all of them, but you have the right to see the girls!


I will more than likely spend all day Friday with them...... doing the shopping thing .. I know I have the right and who knows she might even offer the invitation again....


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

skinman said:


> thanks Voivod,
> but its tough man.. I want so bad to contact her and I know thats not the right thing. I have been thinking abouther all morning with no luck of getting her out of my mind.... I know I still have time and I should play hard to get and act like I am fine but its so hard... The urge I have to contact is greater than the one to not..........


it gets worse, then it gets better. i saw my wife every day for the first several weeks of our "separation," (mostly it was her doing) then the first full day without seeing her was horrible. i remember the sun going down that evening, thinking what a tragic metaphor for what was happening.

later on, i read something by james dobson, i think, talking about how there are days when you are "together" that you scantly see your spouse. it made sense. how many days there were when i got up, showered, went to work, worked a long day, came home to an empty family room, had dinner and crawled into bed. didn't see my family all day.

so there have been, i think, 4 days, since i've spent any time with her. yeah, it's been tough, but it gets better, i promise.

that's why i asked you to stay connected with the forum. because when it is difficult to be apart for a day, you'll be temted to do things that might be detrimental to reconciling. i'm sure of it.

good luck.


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

thanks agian... I have been giving her space and letting her do all the contacting which seems to be more than the first ccouple of weeks.. I dont want to get my hopes up but it does feel good sometimes when she calls or emails........ Then again it also get my anxiety going to..... so you cant win for losing... I have been reading a lot about relationships... hoping that things might work out... its only been a month and who knows..... maybe in a month or 2 I wont even want anymore...

thanks again Voivod........ keep plugging away yourself my friend.....


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Well today has been a struggle.... sleep didn't come easy last night with 2 dreams of my wife.. after these it was hard keeping her out of my mind.... Its been a month now since we broke up so many thoughts and feelings brought on by memories of things we did and will never get the chance to do...... I try and keep busy but thought of her always find their way back to me... Tonight is going to be another long night I can see it now...... Lord give me strength.....


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

I thought saturdays dreams were vivid... They compare nothing to last nights.... I have not been able to get the thoughts of my wife out of my mind... She haunts me even in my sleep.....thoughst of the past and futute that will never be with us together.. I have been healing slowly with a good day mixed in between the bad days.. hopefully soon the pain will subside and i can move forward to the life that I will lead...how do you stop the thoughts.. I am tired of crying at night when I am at my lonliest.. wondering if she has thoughts of me... wishing i knew what crosses her mind... does she think of the past ? is she still bitter and hatefull towards me... ? I dont know its these thoughts that occupy my day... When will it not matter what she thinks or does... When can i put thsi all behind me... please lord give me strength toight.......


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Well I have just returned home from Thanksgiving dinner with my family.....I have to say it felt nice to be sitting at my table again with my wife across from me and my daughters to the side..... it felt like it always has... Confortable.. I had a pleasant time and it appeared my wife even loosened up and enjoyed herself.... I dont know what the future holds for me.... But today I was living in the past for what might turn out to be the last time.... Some of you advised against going today that it would send the wrong signal but honestly I have no regrets..... I made sure today that my wife saw the best part of me..... If she decides in the end that she still wants out I will gladly let her go knowing that I was blessed with this day and I can move forward like I have been...



It was sad when I left and my emotions got the best of me as I pulled off but i was proud of the fact that I held it together while with my wife.....She saw someone who was happy and in control of his life and not like the guy she is used to over the past month....

It even seemed for a moment that she wanted to hug me as I left.... She didnt but I know in my heart she was thinking about it..... Today I am Thankfull for being alive and the possibilities of what lies ahead of me with my future...... The possibilities are endless


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

skinman said:


> It was sad when I left and my emotions got the best of me as I pulled off but i was proud of the fact that I held it together while with my wife.....She saw someone who was happy and in control of his life and not like the guy she is used to over the past month....
> 
> It even seemed for a moment that she wanted to hug me as I left.... She didnt but I know in my heart she was thinking about it..... Today I am Thankfull for being alive and the possibilities of what lies ahead of me with my future...... The possibilities are endless


sounds like things went as well as you could have hoped for. your optimism is so awesome. it's not easy at this point to keep emotions in check. as you drive away you feel pretty empty, but remember the good time you had moments ago, and when you got the feeling that she wanted to hug you. and the fact that she invited you. good stuff. relax and enjoy the rest of the weekend. and don't have any expectations. things will be okay.


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

voivod said:


> sounds like things went as well as you could have hoped for. your optimism is so awesome. it's not easy at this point to keep emotions in check. as you drive away you feel pretty empty, but remember the good time you had moments ago, and when you got the feeling that she wanted to hug you. and the fact that she invited you. good stuff. relax and enjoy the rest of the weekend. and don't have any expectations. things will be okay.



thanks voivod,

now things have me wondering if this was indeed the "last Supper" as a family that I will be able to enjoy...it was hard leaving and the empty feeling you wrote of is so present now I cant quit thinking about everything that is going on and how things changed so fast in my life. I am trying to be optimistic but today I am finiding it very difficult... It felt so right being home yesterday again... enjoying each others company and laughing and all......... Its hard now being alone knowing that they will all be out shopping today as I sit here typing away
wondering whther or not she will think of me today.... I am wondering now If going was the right decision I feel like I have regressed some in my progress.... the dreams returned again last night with a vengeance.. so real and vivid I cant stop thinking about them...


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

skinman said:


> thanks voivod,
> 
> now things have me wondering if this was indeed the "last Supper" as a family that I will be able to enjoy...it was hard leaving and the empty feeling you wrote of is so present now I cant quit thinking about everything that is going on and how things changed so fast in my life. I am trying to be optimistic but today I am finiding it very difficult... It felt so right being home yesterday again... enjoying each others company and laughing and all......... Its hard now being alone knowing that they will all be out shopping today as I sit here typing away
> wondering whther or not she will think of me today.... I am wondering now If going was the right decision I feel like I have regressed some in my progress.... the dreams returned again last night with a vengeance.. so real and vivid I cant stop thinking about them...



okay skin...

first and foremost...your thought of whether you should have gone over there yesterday or not...those thoughts are somewhat selfish...the answer is of course yes, you should have gone...for your daughter at least...regardless of your dreams...they would have gone shopping anyway...and you will think about them i hope..that should not stop...combine your thought of them and your dreams at night...consider that your mind giving you therapy...something to deal with...and your waking hours are yours...finding yourself alone needing to find something productive to occupy your time is going to be difficult, but you must...because it will make you a better person..and your family needs a better person...so use that time...the time when you are most lonely...to help yourself...and help them...by becoming something better...by finding what you can be in those times...does that make sense?


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

voivod said:


> okay skin...
> 
> first and foremost...your thought of whether you should have gone over there yesterday or not...those thoughts are somewhat selfish...the answer is of course yes, you should have gone...for your daughter at least...regardless of your dreams...they would have gone shopping anyway...and you will think about them i hope..that should not stop...combine your thought of them and your dreams at night...consider that your mind giving you therapy...something to feal with...and your waking hours are yours...finding yourself alone needing to find something productive to occupy your time is going to be difficult, but you must...because it will make you a better person..and your family needs a better person...so use that time...the time when you are most lonely...to help yourself...and help them...by becoming something better...by finding what you can be in those times...does that make sense?


Yes and your right my thoughts were selfish and thats all they are is thoughts... no matter what happened yesterday I was going to be there.. no matter how hard it was I was going to do it for my girls... luckily it did turn out to be a nice day... I guess I should have taken your advice "No expectations" well to be honest I guess I did expect a little something...... what that something was I am not sure... I guess I still hold out hope Voivod that maybe she will start to miss me or second guess her decisions... I dont really know what I expect these days....... I do still have hope and after yesterday my hope is even stronger...Maybe I am grasping at something that isn't even there or hoping for nothing but i dont want to be the one who gave up on our marriage after all these years...

We even had a moment where we were talking about the prices of gas... I made the comment that I wish the prices were this cheap when we took our cross country trip this past summer..
I sais that it didnt matter that we still had a great time... she said yes we did and had a smile...

I dont now if she is just trying to make this all easier for me or actually might still feel a little something... I just dont know but you see where I am coming from...... like you I am determined to try and salvage my marriage even if i am the only one trying...

Thanks voivod..


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## blind (Jan 17, 2008)

As I think you know from some of my threads, my wife and I have been separated for about 1 month and the divorce will likely be final in the next few weeks. I still love my wife dearly and my hope is and has always been that our home will be reunited. It has been about 10-11 months since my wife told me her love for me was dead. I give you that brief background only to let you know I am in a similar situation.

Now, on to the point I wish to make. It is okay to want your wife back. You love her and those feelings are only natural. But, you must find happiness and contentment that doesn't depend on her return. Continue to work on YOU. You can't continue being dependant on her for your happiness. I struggle with this too and its not always easy. Here is how I approach this all. I am moving on. I'm making improvements in my appearance, health, mental strength, etc. This is all taking some time (enough time for her to reconsider if that is going to happen). You can't just turn off those feelings and wake up one morning a new and free man. If she notices the changes and begins to reconsider her decisions, great, I'll welcome her back with open arms. But I can't just put my life on hold and wait for her to return knowing that it may never happen. I must control my life rather than the hope of her returning having all the control.  I'm wholly convinced that as I continue taking control of my life that my love for her will fade and I'll be ready for another relationship. If she hasn't reconsidered by the time I get over her, then I highly doubt she ever will. So I no longer worry about a situation where I have severed all emotional ties to her and then she decides to come crawling back. You can not hold on to false hope. It won't do you any good. This guessing game you are playing about your wifes feelings for you or lack thereof is destructive. Focus on yourself, love your children, and take your life back. You'll be happy that you did. 

Again, this isn't easy, but I believe it is a must. Your emotional status will get better. Trust me and the many others that have trod this same path. Best of luck to you and everyone else dealing with these issues.

Blind

P.S. I re-read your last post. You aren't the one giving up on your marriage. Your doing all you can. As you work through this process you'll begin to find comfort in knowing you've done all you could to save the marriage. But you can't be expected to continue this emotionally taxing endeavor forever without her also putting forth honest effort.

By working on yourself, you aren't giving up on your marriage. Your improving yourself which is something most of us need.

Also, please understand that my hope for all relationships (that don't involve abuse) is that they will work and that the couple will be happy together. I certainly hope that is the outcome for you and your wife. My best to you.


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

blind said:


> As I think you know from some of my threads, my wife and I have been separated for about 1 month and the divorce will likely be final in the next few weeks. I still love my wife dearly and my hope is and has always been that our home will be reunited. It has been about 10-11 months since my wife told me her love for me was dead. I give you that brief background only to let you know I am in a similar situation.
> 
> Now, on to the point I wish to make. It is okay to want your wife back. You love her and those feelings are only natural. But, you must find happiness and contentment that doesn't depend on her return. Continue to work on YOU. You can't continue being dependant on her for your happiness. I struggle with this too and its not always easy. Here is how I approach this all. I am moving on. I'm making improvements in my appearance, health, mental strength, etc. This is all taking some time (enough time for her to reconsider if that is going to happen). You can't just turn off those feelings and wake up one morning a new and free man. If she notices the changes and begins to reconsider her decisions, great, I'll welcome her back with open arms. But I can't just put my life on hold and wait for her to return knowing that it may never happen. I must control my life rather than the hope of her returning having all the control. I'm wholly convinced that as I continue taking control of my life that my love for her will fade and I'll be ready for another relationship. If she hasn't reconsidered by the time I get over her, then I highly doubt she ever will. So I no longer worry about a situation where I have severed all emotional ties to her and then she decides to come crawling back. You can not hold on to false hope. It won't do you any good. This guessing game you are playing about your wifes feelings for you or lack thereof is destructive. Focus on yourself, love your children, and take your life back. You'll be happy that you did.
> 
> ...


thank you Blind for your response... and you are so right I do depend on my wife for my happiness.. I have tried to move forward an live my life for myself but its hard when all I have done for the past 15 years is make sure my family was takedn care of... I have no real friends... my family was my life I lived to give them a better life....after working all day I came home to them.... now I come home to myself... I am broken and have no hope of feeling better soon.... I have been reading many books on relationships and The Bible.. praying for strength to help me through this... it seems she gets stronger each day as I get weaker...... I know my hope is self destructive when she hasn't given me much to hope for...

I went out tonight with my brother and shot pool........... all I could think of was this table full of women my age thinking that soon that will be my wife sitting there waiting for some guy to vome and make her night...... how can you expect me to feel better knwoing that I did all I could to save my marriage when in fatc it was me who most likely got myself into this situation.....even though I didnt want it to end I had a big part in it...My wife hates me and has told me so many times since we split up....I have tried to forgive myself fpr doing the best that I knew how......... but honestly I dont know if I did........

I will continue to work on myself and come to grips with my shortcummings that lead to the faluire of my marriage...I hurt for my girls for what their mom an I have put them through......


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## blind (Jan 17, 2008)

Rarely can the blame for a failed marriage be placed on only one person. Of course you share some in this as did I. Look back at my thread in the divorcing forum. You'll need to forgive yourself. You didnt want this to happen. It isn't like you had at intentions of causing harm to the marriage. If you are reading the Bible you'll find many examples of how humans aren't perfect. We are going to make mistakes. What is important is that we learn from them. The relationship books are full of great knowledge but you might want to consider putting them away for a while. I just get the sense that you are surrounding yourself with all of this to the point that you struggle to find any peace. I know what I have suggested is much easier said than done. Buy your emotional stability needs you to step back from all of this. I believe your best chance at saving the marriage is to focus on your mental and physical health, and strengthening your character. No your not a bad guy. But you sound co-dependent on her to make you happy. That isn't healthy and isn't attractive. I realize I'm being fairly blunt. It took some very straight talking from a friend for me to understand all of this too. Your feeling sorry for yourself just as I did. You'll move past that and start feeling better. Listen to a song by Rascal Flatts called "I'm Movin' On" It sure helped me. Best of luck to you friend. This all hurts like hell, but you are closer to healing than you think. 

Blind


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

blind said:


> Rarely can the blame for a failed marriage be placed on only one person. Of course you share some in this as did I. Look back at my thread in the divorcing forum. You'll need to forgive yourself. You didnt want this to happen. It isn't like you had at intentions of causing harm to the marriage. If you are reading the Bible you'll find many examples of how humans aren't perfect. We are going to make mistakes. What is important is that we learn from them. The relationship books are full of great knowledge but you might want to consider putting them away for a while. I just get the sense that you are surrounding yourself with all of this to the point that you struggle to find any peace. I know what I have suggested is much easier said than done. Buy your emotional stability needs you to step back from all of this. I believe your best chance at saving the marriage is to focus on your mental and physical health, and strengthening your character. No your not a bad guy. But you sound co-dependent on her to make you happy. That isn't healthy and isn't attractive. I realize I'm being fairly blunt. It took some very straight talking from a friend for me to understand all of this too. Your feeling sorry for yourself just as I did. You'll move past that and start feeling better. Listen to a song by Rascal Flatts called "I'm Movin' On" It sure helped me. Best of luck to you friend. This all hurts like hell, but you are closer to healing than you think.
> 
> Blind


Thank you Blind for being so blunt and you are absolutely correct.. I depended on my wife way to much.. her and my family were my life.. I had no real friends they were my friends and now that I dont have her it hurts like heck.... I saw her this morning when i picked up my daughter...... She didnt say one word to me so i didnt speak to her either... it hurts knowing I have dedicated my life to this woman to be treated the way she is.......  

And you are right about the books and such I have read so much lately trying to see where I went wrong and what I can do to help my marriage... But like you say It has to be both of us trying... she no longer wishes to save it at this point... who knows I guess i do need to start taking better care of myself... the lord knows I havent been kately....... I have been stuck in "Why Me" mentality that is hard to break free from... I will try and take your advice and work on myself....

Its kind of hard to try and save my marriage when my wife wont even speak to me or talk about anything..... Should i continue to give her space ???? I fear that by not trying to work on things that it will give her more strength to feel that she doesn't need me or want me.... I guess I should just assume that she wont be back and move on with my life..... The thought of that hurts so bad.... All of my dreams and hopes are vanishing beforemy eyes...

Thank you friend and God Bless..

Skin


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

mommy22 said:


> You sound a little better than you did. You've gotta make it through Christmas and New Year's and then it will be a little easier.



thanks M22,
That is going to be a lot harder than you can imagine... christmas was always such a big event around my house with family stopping by and dinner together... I am not really in the spirit this year... we used to have the house that everyone would stop and admire... I had lights everywhere and to think that it will be dark this year is sad.... I know my wife wont be putting up the lights this year.. I dont even want to think about it at tis point... It hurts to know that most likely after my girls stop by xmas eve I will be alone again........


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## blind (Jan 17, 2008)

Have you ever heard of a self fullfilling prophecy? If you continue to believe that nothing good is waiting for you in the future, then that may be what happens. I haven't read every single post in this thread, but have you considered counseling. I never thought I'd need it, but it was a very key part of finding strength to carry on and to also understand that I'll be okay. You might consider that if you haven't done it already. 

As far as giving her space, it doesn't sound like you have much of a choice. If she won't even speak to you, forcing conversation on her will only cause her to withdraw further. Giving her space does two things. First it allows her the opportunity to figure out that it may not be so great as a single mom. Second, it gives you an opportunity to heal some of the wounds. With a child you'll always be a part of her life. If she sees the strong person you need to become at a time when she is questioning her decision it may give you a chance to re-open good communication. Don't worry about the next holidays yet. You may be in a much better spot emotionally by then. 

Please excuse any typos, my Internet is down and I'm responding from my iPhone. Try and keep your head up. Continue to focus on yourself. Be the best father ever. If there is hope for the marriage, these will be things that will cause her to take notice and reconsider. 

Take care

Blind


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

blind said:


> Have you ever heard of a self fullfilling prophecy? If you continue to believe that nothing good is waiting for you in the future, then that may be what happens.
> Blind


Blind,
Thanks again for responding... I do know what you mean about the future and I do believe that oneday I will be happy again.. In a relationship I'm not sure but I know there are many things that I want to do and now that I am single so to speak it will be easier. I am going to counseling at the moment and it has helped a great deal... there are still thoughts that Im not ready to throw in the towel just yet but I know i need to move forward and start feeling better about myself.. I appreciate your candor and upfront advice.. You sound so much farther ahead than me in the recovery process I kind of envy you.. I have made sure and kept constant contact with my girls during all of this and let them know no matter what happens I will always be there for them and I love them dearly...

your right maybe my wife does need to see what its like without me to really appreciate what she had..... I guess I wont lay hopes on her changing her mind but as they say you never know what the future holds.... I may not even want her back if that time should ever come.... Today has been a good day with regards to my emotions... They didn't fail me at all today so that right there is a step in the right direction...

Thanks again for the sound advice my friend..... my thoughts are with you !!


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

The dreams came again last night with a vengeance.... I haven't had a full night sleep in what seems like ages.... its like clock work when they come and then sleep is not an option after that.... Its bad enough that I think of my family constantly during the day but now even night brings me no peace... I saw her again last night when I dropped off my daughter... She was friendly and all but it was tough.. I wanted to just drop off mu daughter and not go in but my stepdaughter 
was home and I wanted to say hi.....I didn't want to hurt her feelings any by not coming in....

It makes it so much harder seeing my wife..... there are time when I dont want to see her but the times I do are so much stronger...... I want to call her and talk tell her how much I miss her and still love her...I am fighting the urge but its getting harder... I want her to know that I still care about her and us....
Many have said not to tell her that I love her anymore that I should make her wonder if I have moved on.... But I dont see how that will help, Blind has given me so much good advice that I need to worry about myself and not her.... its hard though dang hard trying to keep thoughts of her out of my head......Whilw I try and keep busy doing something for me...
Sundays were always family day at the house.... we would spend the day together doing whatever we wanted just as long as we were together...... that was all that mattered ..we usedto have game night too I asked my daughter yesterday if they still did and she said no... it just didn't seem the same anymore.....

thanks for reading it feels a little better getting some of this off my chest...


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Well today is Tuesday.... another day that I am dreading... things have started to get a little better for me not thinking about my wife as much... its still hard though seeing my family die before my eyes.... knowing that this Christmas will be tough.. My daughter said to me last night that she told her mom they woudl be coming over xmas eve.... well she said she would have to see... her I was being considerate and not asking for them on xmas day for her to say something like that........

I can see now that I will be in for a long drawn out struggle with this... the divorce will get ugly and things will be said that are not true... If I had only known I would have never put myself in this position.......... Never again will I let my happiness depend on a woman.........


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Well its been 4 days since I have spoken with my wife.. I picked up my daughter the other night and she totaly ignored me... stood right in front of me and didnt say a word.... My spirits are really down today.... I guess what she was saying by being silent was that our marriage is indeed over... It breaks my heart to not speak with her or even think of her.. she is someone I have thought of everyday for so many years and the thoughts always brought me joy...

now when I think of her it only brings me pain and sorrow... I never wanted my marriage to end but I cant do it alone... I have tried and failed at something that means so much to me...
When will it get easier to move on... I am a wreck and she could care less the pain she has put me and our family through..


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

skinman said:


> Well its been 4 days since I have spoken with my wife.. I picked up my daughter the other night and she totaly ignored me... stood right in front of me and didnt say a word.... My spirits are really down today.... I guess what she was saying by being silent was that our marriage is indeed over... It breaks my heart to not speak with her or even think of her.. she is someone I have thought of everyday for so many years and the thoughts always brought me joy...
> 
> now when I think of her it only brings me pain and sorrow... I never wanted my marriage to end but I cant do it alone... I have tried and failed at something that means so much to me...
> When will it get easier to move on... I am a wreck and she could care less the pain she has put me and our family through..


Stop with the pity party. Start making changes and make positive changes so you can be the man you want to be. You will be much happier and she will see what she has lost. Don't go down this depressing road feeling sorrow for yourself. Find a hobby or something to keep your mind business. 4 days isn't that long. When my husband and I separated, we did not talk for 8 weeks. Be patient but stay active.


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

StrongEnough said:


> Stop with the pity party. Start making changes and make positive changes so you can be the man you want to be. You will be much happier and she will see what she has lost. Don't go down this depressing road feeling sorrow for yourself. Find a hobby or something to keep your mind business. 4 days isn't that long. When my husband and I separated, we did not talk for 8 weeks. Be patient but stay active.


I have made postitive changes but she isn't even giving me the chance to show her.. I have been keeping active for the most part but i will admit there are tough days that my mind wont let go and i try to replace the thoughts with happy things but it doesnt always work... I appreciate the hard stance but the situation is getting worse with each day...

i am trying to remain positive and hold out hope that she may indeed change her mind.. its just tough after 15 years not talking with someone you have talked with everyday.


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

skinman said:


> I have made postitive changes but she isn't even giving me the chance to show her.. I have been keeping active for the most part but i will admit there are tough days that my mind wont let go and i try to replace the thoughts with happy things but it doesnt always work... I appreciate the hard stance but the situation is getting worse with each day...
> 
> i am trying to remain positive and hold out hope that she may indeed change her mind.. its just tough after 15 years not talking with someone you have talked with everyday.


I am sure it is very tough. I understand that you are very hurt and extremely upset. She may not be giving you a chance to show her because she probably thinks the changes are only temporary. Can you send her an "I'm thinking of you email" or drop a heart felt card in the mail to her? Anything to get her thinking about you again and then she can begin to see the changes you are making. Even subtle ones. Any change is good no matter how minor. Can you take her something when you pick the kids up, maybe a book she has wanted to read or something small to let her know you are thinking of her. It does not have to cost a lot of money.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I like StrongEnough's idea of giving her a book she might like to read. Her taking the quiet stance may not so much be that she could care less about the pain but more that she is angry that it went this far in the first place and in her mind she may blame you for not fulfilling her needs sooner. I'm not saying that is a good excuse to not work on your marriage or to be angry with you but it may be her reality right now if she just doesn't feel she has it in her to recapture the love she once had for you.

A book (not a rebuilding marriage book or anything related) may serve as a peace offering of sorts...that you aren't putting all of the blame on her. Just 'here, read this and thought this might interest you as well'...at this point getting back to speaking terms will help in discussing visitation around the holidays and give her an opportunity to witness some of your changes.


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Thanks for the suggestions... last time I emailed her telling her that I loved her and missed her she replied back to move on...that her feelings for me would never change and that she didnt want a relationship with me or anyone else... thats been a couple weeks ago... since that time I have not called or anything no emails nothing just being pleasant when i pick up the kids... Its hard knowing that she wont even give me the chance to show her that I am changing and realize my shortcummings in the marriage that got us to this point.. I wasnt always the best listener but she wasnt always the best communicator either..

So in a sense we are both at fault... she told me whe wanted to find someone whom she had more in commow with... she said all we had was our daughter and thats it.. I always tried to be interested in her work or whatever she was doing but she never did that for me.. it was always her way or the highway.. i am lost whether to hold out some hope or let her go and move on with my life... I love my wife dearly but dont want her back if she isn't going to be happy..

she holds quite a bit of bitterness towards me... she blames me for the way our marriage has turned out.. i know i could have done better but it wasnt all my fault.. She has even told me that she hates me... she could never spread her legs for me again without compromising herself as a woman... 

so you see what I am up against..... i dont want to give up like her but I am fighting a one way battle.... I plan on sending a nice xmas card to her and letting her know I am thinking of her... but she knows my handwriting an may throw it away without even reading it... thats what she did with the birthday card i sent....


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

skinman said:


> she holds quite a bit of bitterness towards me... she blames me for the way our marriage has turned out.. i know i could have done better but it wasnt all my fault.. She has even told me that she hates me... she could never spread her legs for me again without compromising herself as a woman...


To be honest, if I heard this I would move on with my life and work on being cordial for the sake of the children. I would continue to work on myself, but if every seemingly nice thing she does (invites you in for dinner, etc.) gets you all worked up emotionally only to be shot back down, at some point enough is enough and you need to take care of your own well-being. 

I don't think it would hurt to reach out...a book...a christmas card but I would stop saying loving things or pleading for her to rethink things...it seems like at this stage it is just fueling her bitterness, but wanting to get along for the girls' sake is a whole other story and hopefully she will come around if she doesn't feel you're smothering her or begging...that will push her away.


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

swedish said:


> To be honest, if I heard this I would move on with my life and work on being cordial for the sake of the children. I would continue to work on myself, but if every seemingly nice thing she does (invites you in for dinner, etc.) gets you all worked up emotionally only to be shot back down, at some point enough is enough and you need to take care of your own well-being.
> 
> I don't think it would hurt to reach out...a book...a christmas card but I would stop saying loving things or pleading for her to rethink things...it seems like at this stage it is just fueling her bitterness, but wanting to get along for the girls' sake is a whole other story and hopefully she will come around if she doesn't feel you're smothering her or begging...that will push her away.


no i quit talking about us once i got the email.... i know i should probably move on but its only been 6 weeks... I would hate to stop now and maybe her change her mind.. but then i dont want to have hope hanging around either.... i have tried to give her the space she asked for and maybe she will come around... if not i guess in this time i can continue working on me.. and in time it wont matter what she decides to do.... 

she has never mentioned trying to make it work later.. its all been once the year is up we will split the stuff seel the house and go our own way sort of speak.... she did say once that she doesnt know what the future will hold.........

i think she is using this time to break free from me whatever she feels and move toward another future without me... i truly dont believe that she hates me... i know in my heart that she only said that out of anger... how could you hate someone who has given there heart and life to you for so long,,, i could never do that to someone or even say that...

thanks for your repsonse and suggestions.... all I can really do is live for myself now....


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

well my eyes have just be opened... I had a long conversation with my STBXW... its funny that is the first time I have written that but ater the conversation I know now that my marriage is indeed over.. in fact it has been over for years and i never realized it.. my wife informed me that she shut down years ago and no matter what I do say or change 
she will not go back to what we had before.... she is moving forward...I think this conversation is what i really needed to let go and move on with my life... its sad that all this time I was so blind to the pain that I was causing my wife... living in my fantasy world thinking everything was going great in fact she was living in misery wanting out but my insistence each time kept her around... I feel sorry for what I have done to my wife whom I have loved dearly but didnt take the time to really listen and hear her pleas for help... I have wasted many years of her life and for that I cannot forgive myself..... how was I so blind to see all the pain that I have put her through... slowly her love and respect for me dying along with the marriage....

thanks everyone for following me through this thread... I guess now I will have to deal with the upcoming divorce knowing that I could never keep my wife any longer.......


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

skinman said:


> well my eyes have just be opened... I had a long conversation with my STBXW... its funny that is the first time I have written that but ater the conversation I know now that my marriage is indeed over.. in fact it has been over for years and i never realized it.. my wife informed me that she shut down years ago and no matter what I do say or change
> she will not go back to what we had before.... she is moving forward...I think this conversation is what i really needed to let go and move on with my life... its sad that all this time I was so blind to the pain that I was causing my wife... living in my fantasy world thinking everything was going great in fact she was living in misery wanting out but my insistence each time kept her around... I feel sorry for what I have done to my wife whom I have loved dearly but didnt take the time to really listen and hear her pleas for help... I have wasted many years of her life and for that I cannot forgive myself..... how was I so blind to see all the pain that I have put her through... slowly her love and respect for me dying along with the marriage....
> 
> thanks everyone for following me through this thread... I guess now I will have to deal with the upcoming divorce knowing that I could never keep my wife any longer.......


It's not too late until the divorce papers are signed. What do you want? Do you want to work on this marriage?


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

StrongEnough said:


> It's not too late until the divorce papers are signed. What do you want? Do you want to work on this marriage?


Well I want to save my marriage but my wife has no intentions of trying... she told me on saturday that she will be moving to California in august and taking mu daughter with her... I have thought about fighting the move but my girls want to move.. mostlikely it would cost me a fortune in legal fee's only to lose anyway... i have thought about following them and moving to.. they all suggested it and thought it would be good way to start a new life..

i have a great job that i have been at for 16 years and to leave it for the uncertainty of the west coast scares me... if i allow her to go my marriage is over... if i folow them there might be something in the future who knows... its a tough decision on what to do..


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

skinman said:


> Well I want to save my marriage but my wife has no intentions of trying... she told me on saturday that she will be moving to California in august and taking mu daughter with her... I have thought about fighting the move but my girls want to move.. mostlikely it would cost me a fortune in legal fee's only to lose anyway... i have thought about following them and moving to.. they all suggested it and thought it would be good way to start a new life..
> 
> i have a great job that i have been at for 16 years and to leave it for the uncertainty of the west coast scares me... if i allow her to go my marriage is over... if i folow them there might be something in the future who knows... its a tough decision on what to do..


She is moving to California for what? If you are legally separated, she CANNOT move the children. At least those are the laws in my state. I would check with an attorney and find out what you need to do to get some things in check. Sure the kids wants to move to someplace warm and sunny, but is it in their best interests?


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

StrongEnough said:


> She is moving to California for what? If you are legally separated, she CANNOT move the children. At least those are the laws in my state. I would check with an attorney and find out what you need to do to get some things in check. Sure the kids wants to move to someplace warm and sunny, but is it in their best interests?


Probably not because that would take them from me... we are separated but tehre are no papers or support at the moment.. i am helping pay the mortage and half my daughters expenses.
we have always talked about moving there but after the kids finished school... my wife doesn't care about whats in their best interest its only her that she is concerned with.. she has brainwashed them into thinking it will be great there with so much stuff to do.

she even tried to talk me inot moving with them so i could be closer... i thought about it and it did sound exciting but i have a life her and have lived here all my life.. i still have time to talk with an attorney we havent even put our house on the market yet and she has no money until it sells...

thanks for responding.... I would love nothing better than having my family back together.... she has said she is done.. i am in the past and she is moving forward never to go back... sounds pretty cold... well it is.......she never wanted to even try and blames me for everything.. i aplogized for my part in the marriage bur she has never said anything other than she reacted to my actions... so in her mind she is justified leaving me and taking my girls....i have been taking this prettyhard but it is getting easier to tell her "see ya".......


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

You should definitely look into the legal aspect of this. Standard divorce agreements typically state that the children cannot be moved out of state.

Is there a valid reason for her wanting to move? Family there, etc? I would be very hesitant to give up a steady job, especially if you like it. Don't know where you are now, but I lived in Southern CA for four years (Orange County)...very expensive...not just housing, but vehicle registration, groceries, movie tickets, gas...everything was more expensive there! Weather was great & there were always fun things to do w/the kids, but I am glad we moved back to 'reality'...when my son asked if he was going to get my car when he turned 16 because his best friend was getting his mom's lexus, I thought...hmmm, they are definitely getting some high expectations living here!


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

Stand your ground and do NOT sell that house. I would definitely not give her any money to take your children and move them away from you. I would talk with an attorney, at least a free consultation. I will do this the sooner the better. Lastly, I would ask your attorney about a legal separation.


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

swedish said:


> You should definitely look into the legal aspect of this. Standard divorce agreements typically state that the children cannot be moved out of state.
> 
> Is there a valid reason for her wanting to move? Family there, etc? I would be very hesitant to give up a steady job, especially if you like it. Don't know where you are now, but I lived in Southern CA for four years (Orange County)...very expensive...not just housing, but vehicle registration, groceries, movie tickets, gas...everything was more expensive there! Weather was great & there were always fun things to do w/the kids, but I am glad we moved back to 'reality'...when my son asked if he was going to get my car when he turned 16 because his best friend was getting his mom's lexus, I thought...hmmm, they are definitely getting some high expectations living here!


Well she grew up out there and has some family but for the most oart she wanted to give the girls the same experinces she has as a kid... we live in Virginia now and its nothing like CA.. we have gone out about 5 times in the past 3 years and the girls loved it... i thought it was nice to visit but live there ? not so sure...

so i dont know what to do... i want to fight but i dont want to spend a boatload of money only to lose anyway..... I hope to but another house with the proceeds from the sale of ours... if i fight it i will end up renting for a while.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

My ex and I used a mediator to discuss the terms of the divorce...dividing up assets, visitation schedule, etc. where we basically talked it out between us and compromised where needed. The mediator gave us each a business card for a 'cheap' attorney to prepare/review the final legal agreement & appear in court w/us.

I wouldn't want a long drawn out batlle either...lawyers gain and you both lose financially...I would only resort to that if she is being totally unreasonable. When I lived in CA I waived child support (which he never paid anyway so not a big deal) and I also paid their airfare to fly them back for Christmas break and the summers to visit with their dad. He agreed to fly out for spring break to visit them, but that never materialized...if he were totally against the move, I would not have gone. The kids adjusted well to that arrangement because it was less disruptive for them than going back and forth every other weekend (which is where we are at now)


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

swedish said:


> My ex and I used a mediator to discuss the terms of the divorce...dividing up assets, visitation schedule, etc. where we basically talked it out between us and compromised where needed. The mediator gave us each a business card for a 'cheap' attorney to prepare/review the final legal agreement & appear in court w/us.
> 
> I wouldn't want a long drawn out batlle either...lawyers gain and you both lose financially...I would only resort to that if she is being totally unreasonable. When I lived in CA I waived child support (which he never paid anyway so not a big deal) and I also paid their airfare to fly them back for Christmas break and the summers to visit with their dad. He agreed to fly out for spring break to visit them, but that never materialized...if he were totally against the move, I would not have gone. The kids adjusted well to that arrangement because it was less disruptive for them than going back and forth every other weekend (which is where we are at now)


Thanks Swedish,

I dont really want them to move but I know it will get costly and ugly if it comes down yo a fight.... my wife is determined to go back to California and has no thoughts of waiting until my daughter is out of school.... I know if they do move then it is over between us for sure.. I will admit that I had hopes that with some time we may be able to work something aout and fall back in love but them there and me here would be the end...

plus I dont want the distance to alienate my daughter from me... I know as she gets older she will want to spend more time with her friends during the summer than with me......

its breaks my heart to have to make this decision... let them go forever and get on with my life or follow them and start a whole new life...........


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

In this economy, do NOT move unless you have a guaranteed job! I've lived in CA as well as across the country (WA, DC, MD, VA, MO) and the cost of living varies but is high in CA. 

As mentioned earlier, check into separation and whether or not the kids can be moved. You've got to fight the move (for the kids) as hard as you can. 

Additionally, consider that if she goes (anywhere) that could be grounds for abandonment. That might be enough for a divorce and subsequent custody.


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## farmgirljenny (Dec 11, 2008)

as a lurker...before you respond with " a fight" check into your rights and dont do anything before you have to...as the woman who wants out, I have heard my husband beg and plead endlessly, daily "I love you" , non-stop texting, smother etc..when what would mean most to me at this point is action..not words or promises..if your problem has been communication go to a therepist and learn to communicate better, when she sees the results instead of hearing the promises that will mean more to her..when I talk to my husband about lack of respect i get excuses or justification when want i want is for him to show that he can respect and trust me...the best thing you can do for your child is to be the best parent you can..no mother wants to take her child away from a loving parent, you talked about the christmas lights, i know how much having our house decorated means to the kids..i could care less about what the neighbors think...make a date with your daughter and decorate the house for her..no woman would leave a man that is trying to and demonstrating to be the kind of man a woman would want..caring, kind, respectful, hard worker, good parent...etc...and it is never too late, she can fall in love with you again if you are somebody that is worthy of loving


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

farmgirljenny said:


> as a lurker...before you respond with " a fight" check into your rights and dont do anything before you have to...as the woman who wants out, I have heard my husband beg and plead endlessly, daily "I love you" , non-stop texting, smother etc..when what would mean most to me at this point is action..not words or promises..if your problem has been communication go to a therepist and learn to communicate better, when she sees the results instead of hearing the promises that will mean more to her..when I talk to my husband about lack of respect i get excuses or justification when want i want is for him to show that he can respect and trust me...the best thing you can do for your child is to be the best parent you can..no mother wants to take her child away from a loving parent, you talked about the christmas lights, i know how much having our house decorated means to the kids..i could care less about what the neighbors think...make a date with your daughter and decorate the house for her..no woman would leave a man that is trying to and demonstrating to be the kind of man a woman would want..caring, kind, respectful, hard worker, good parent...etc...and it is never too late, she can fall in love with you again if you are somebody that is worthy of loving


thanks... I dont plan on forcing the issue just yet.. i have made an appointment with an attorney to see what my chances are if indeed it goes to trial.... I have given my wife all the room she wants and needs still hoping that there is a little love left in her bank and time will bring it back out. I dont want to be the one that has given up like she has.. in the beginning i pleaded and begged for another chance now realizing how pathetic i looked and seemed to her but she has not seen that guy in a while..

I am doing everything that i can to show her when i get the chance that i am the same guy she fell in love with over 20 years ago. I know i made mistake and i apologized to het i even told her that i understood why she had to do what she did and i hold no grudges which i dont.. I cant blame her for wanting to be happy... i want to be happy and if i cant be with her then maybe someone else...... 

I still pray that she will see what our love meant and give us another chance.... if not I will do what anyone who loves another and give her her freedom and love her from the side...

thanks again....


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

mommy22 said:


> In Skinman's defense, I think he's done most of this and his wife is being just plain selfish in the situation. I've communicated with him some via pm and he's a good man who has really been trying and I think he'll continue to do so. Of course we only get one side of the story here, but it's unfair to move your children across the country with or without their father.
> 
> B]no your right M22 she should not have threatened taking them from me... she knows that I am a good father ... wasnt much of a listener but a pretty good husband most of the time... we had terrible communicatio between us... it wasnt all her fault or mine our schedules were such that we had little time for us and time to talk... thats not an excuse but the truth[/B][/B]
> [BAlso, I think she was really lacking communication skills. I always told my husband in no uncertain terms that I wasn't happy with things at the time. He can recall those conversations and knew it. It's unfair for a spouse to not make his/her case clear to the partner. Otherwise, it's simply a guessing game. We have to be careful when we say things like "no woman would leave a man that is caring, kind..." Sadly, many women (and men) do.
> ...


*Thanks M22, I do hope the same thing i still have hope that she will see the good side of me and give us another chance... if not i will continue being the best father i can.... i love my daughter and step daughter... it breaks my heart not seeing them everyday but I have mostly myself to blame for my situation.... and i have been thinking about moving with them... i would be giving up so much here a job that i have had for 16 years... and going to the unknown... i do know if they leave without me .......... my marriage is most likely over *

thanks M22.... keep me in your prayers.......


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## farmgirljenny (Dec 11, 2008)

like i said did not want to over simplyfy, just from my own circumstance, my husband's relationship with his daughters had been sometimes the only reason that I continue to work on our relationship and give us a chance without walking away..praying for you too, I would also never move across the country and take them away from their dad


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

farmgirljenny said:


> like i said did not want to over simplyfy, just from my own circumstance, my husband's relationship with his daughters had been sometimes the only reason that I continue to work on our relationship and give us a chance without walking away..praying for you too, I would also never move across the country and take them away from their dad


Thank you...its been almots 2 months now and i fear that she is becoming stronger and more idependant with each day... She has already said that i am in her past and she is moving forward in life... who knows... I am holding out a little hope but it fades with each day that passes... I love my wife very much and if she thinks she will be happier with someone else then i will let her go.........

I can only do so much.... and thank you for your prayers


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Its been 7 weeks today that I was asked to move out.... With each day that passes I know my wife gets stronger in her determination to lead a new life as I become weaker... Its been just as long since I last held her in my arms... oh how I miss feeling her body against mine...Smelling her hair and seeing her smile.... but the smile has gone from my face knowing that what we had can and most likely will never be again.... I have tried to move on and be strong keeping thoughts of her to a minimum but its hard, so many things remind me of her and my family...

Little things remind me the most... Shopping for groceries, driving trough town passing our favorite restaurant someplace I havent been to since all of this happened.... Its hard when I see her each time I get my daughter... I try and show her a strong me... someone in control of his life and moving on.. but I think she knows... She knows that I am not doing well that this is taking its toll on my health and well being....

Hopefully with the new year approaching that can be the start of a new beginning... something to look forward to a new year to do what I want if I only knew what that was...... I want my famly back.. I want my wife back... I want to fee loved again I want to feel needed but I dont....I feel thrown away, cast aside for the unknowns in life... she knows what she wants and its not me..........


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

skin,
you are hurting and for good reason. i look at your story and am completely floored by the heartlessness of your wife. she just threw your marriage away. i am completely puzzled by the actions of your wife. how do you just throw away a relationship such as that? and how is she going to be truly happy in a situation like the one she's in? it makes no sense. which probably tears you up. are there not enough flowers in the world? or kind words? is there nothing that would turn her towards you again? i am not going to accept you giving up. i just don't know what else you can do.


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

voivod said:


> skin,
> you are hurting and for good reason. i look at your story and am completely floored by the heartlessness of your wife. she just threw your marriage away. i am completely puzzled by the actions of your wife. how do you just throw away a relationship such as that? and how is she going to be truly happy in a situation like the one she's in? it makes no sense. which probably tears you up. are there not enough flowers in the world? or kind words? is there nothing that would turn her towards you again? i am not going to accept you giving up. i just don't know what else you can do.


Thanks Voivod...
I have tried Friend I have given her space ,left her alone to think about things let her see what life without me will be like... It would seem my friend that she chooses what she has now and not what we had... I try talking with her being friendly and showing that I care but whenever i try and talk about us the hatred and bitterness comes out... I am a proud man who has been broken by someone whom I would have given my life for only to be told how worthless I am and how she has been so unhappy because of me...She says I am the past and she is living in the future..... I try and have anger towards her for what she has done.... I even told her I understood why she did it and that I had no grudge against her for trying to make herself happy....

What did she say.... ? Everything was still my fault that her actions were caused by me..... I have forgiven her and myself... If she wants her freedom I can only let her go to find what she wants..... I know oneday soon the thoughts of her will leave my mind and things will get better for me... I am trying to move forward and find happiness but it seems to be harder than I have imagined.. Being with someone for so long .. giving everything for a family that I no longer have sacrificing friendships along the way only to be alone......Memories of everyday life that come about for no reason hopefully they will fade along with my love and need for her...

Merry Christmas Voivod.... I wish you luck my friend with your situation... I used to pray for mine but now I will concentrate my prayers for you... God Bless and best wishes in the coming year...

Skin


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

I had another long talk with my STBXW last night.... it appears that indeed my marriage is over... She still blames me for everything that has happened... she did admit that it takes 2 to end a relationship but for the most part I was to blame... Its sad I still love my wife and have held out hope that she might change her mind........ well tonight she told me there was no hope and that she would never look back on what we had .... it breaks my heart but I know that i did all I could to try and save it....... I wish her happiness even if its not with me.....


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## Guest (Dec 15, 2008)

Skin, We are both in similar circumstances. Something has happened to our spouses in a way that they blame us for their unhappiness. I do believe that it is something that a therapist could help them with but I doubt yours is seeing one as I know mine is not. There is positively something to people hitting a mid life crisis. Mine treats me nice one moment and talks about coming home but doesn't know for sure and then a few hours later just treats me like utter crap. 

All I can say Skin is this process your going thru is called "the five stages of grief". Google it, it will help you understand where you are at. Unfortunately, only we are in control of the process of going thru the stages. Acceptance is the final stage that basically says you accept it that it is over. I am still struggling with this today. I don't want mine over as you dont want yours to be either but our spouses won't give us complete closure, or at least mine won't as much as yours appears to. Sadly, I've been clinging to mine giving me closure and yet it's me who has to probably pull the trigger on our divorce.


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Jason said:


> Skin, We are both in similar circumstances. Something has happened to our spouses in a way that they blame us for their unhappiness. I do believe that it is something that a therapist could help them with but I doubt yours is seeing one as I know mine is not. There is positively something to people hitting a mid life crisis. Mine treats me nice one moment and talks about coming home but doesn't know for sure and then a few hours later just treats me like utter crap.
> 
> All I can say Skin is this process your going thru is called "the five stages of grief". Google it, it will help you understand where you are at. Unfortunately, only we are in control of the process of going thru the stages. Acceptance is the final stage that basically says you accept it that it is over. I am still struggling with this today. I don't want mine over as you dont want yours to be either but our spouses won't give us complete closure, or at least mine won't as much as yours appears to. Sadly, I've been clinging to mine giving me closure and yet it's me who has to probably pull the trigger on our divorce.


Jason,
thanks man sorry to haer about your situation .... its a shame that woman can let it get to the point of being unable to fix.... mine said she tried to tell me but i never listened which is somewhat true.... I do love my wife and our marriage but what can i do... my hands are tied as it sounds your are... So i have tried to accept it for what its worth... one day fine with it the next im a waste case........ thats like today... i hurt and it breaks my heart that she has given up........ she said never going back to what we had.........

your in my thoughts buddy and my prayers... maybe you can salvage yours.......... sadly mine is most likely over.....


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Today I received the answer to my post.... "should I give up" ?
well this is from my wife.....

*This is how I feel. right now I need to be away from you and I cannot be your friend. I can be nice and civil for the kids sake, but I cannot be anything other than who I am and I cannot be with you for who you are no matter what..*.

Sadly I didnt want this to happen...I have held out hope the whole 2 months we have been separated that just maybe we could woth things out.... Reading this has broke my heart knowing that my marriage is indeed over but not officially yet...
She has blamed me a lot for the marriage ending and thinking about things today I see her point of view.. I know it wasnt all me but there were times when i could have showed her more love and compassion... i could have listened instead of hearing and not really listening...

I dont blame my wife at all for what she has done... she felt in her heart that this is what she needed to do to really be happy. As much as it hurts I jhve forgiven her and told her so.. I hold no grudge and resentment towards her.... I LOVE my wife very much and want her to be happy even if that means losing her...
I hope one day we will be able to be friends again... I am not only losing my wife, my home but also my Best friend...

Thank you all for your advice and prayers during this very difficult time...


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

I want to wish you all the best i truly hope that your future brings you happiness and joy ,and that your wife can reflect and realize that you can both be friends and you both find peace with each other good luck


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

humpty dumpty said:


> I want to wish you all the best i truly hope that your future brings you happiness and joy ,and that your wife can reflect and realize that you can both be friends and you both find peace with each other good luck


Thanks Humpty...

I hope so to.. I have known her for over 25 years and together for a total of almost 17... it wont be the same without her but I wish her well and much happiness...


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

Its a long time to love someone and have it takern away find a new focus for your life .sit down a write a to do list small goals to help raise your self esteem and make you feel good about yourself . Its good that your able to wish your wife happiness ...that truly is remarkable good luck


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

humpty dumpty said:


> Its a long time to love someone and have it takern away find a new focus for your life .sit down a write a to do list small goals to help raise your self esteem and make you feel good about yourself . Its good that your able to wish your wife happiness ...that truly is remarkable good luck


 Well thats all I have ever wanted for her was to be happy..i accepted my part in our marriage ending and I know I had a part... Thank you for the advice because i have no idea what i want to do now....


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

Tap into your friends social lifes to start with .A guys night out a footie game THIS IS YOUR TIME FOR YOU im sure you will think of some thing


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

humpty dumpty said:


> Tap into your friends social lifes to start with .A guys night out a footie game THIS IS YOUR TIME FOR YOU im sure you will think of some thing



thats the sad thing I dont have many friends... my family were my friends i did everything for them and counted on them for company, support and companionship...

now its just me....


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

How about workfriends? a drink after work ? the hardest part is starting something new.. 
You will be happy again one day ,i know it feels a long way off but you will.
start by looking after yourself join a gym 
good luck


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

humpty dumpty said:


> How about workfriends? a drink after work ? the hardest part is starting something new..
> You will be happy again one day ,i know it feels a long way off but you will.
> start by looking after yourself join a gym
> good luck


Thanks humpty..
most of my work friends are married... they act like i have the plague or something... like divorce is contagious..lol
i have been working out some.. plan on quitting smoking with the new year and making a promise to be looking the best i have in 20 years... Once my wife see's what i have become this summer... she will regret the day she asked me to leave l..

Best wishes to you Humpty....


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

Thats the spirit good luck for 2009,a new you


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## blind (Jan 17, 2008)

Skinman - Take a deep breath and get your head screwed on straight (I know, easier said than done). You reeling a bit right now. I've mentioned this to you before. It will get better. I'm not suggesting that you don't deserve to hurt. You do and you will. I expect my divorce to be final, soon. But, looking back, I've experienced many of the feelings you have. I may not be doing everything right and I still stumble emotionally from time to time, but I'm recovering. Search out some friends. Keep working out. Get in shape. Once the hurt settles you'll be able to have some fun with this. Make chicken salad out of chicken crap.

You've learned much through this dreadful time. Apply your new understanding to many aspects of your life. It'll make you a better father and companion.

Keep your chin up. As you move into the divorce stage you'll need to put your emotions aside. Yes, you need to do what is right by your kids. But you also need to understand your legal rights. Don't fold on important issues with your kids just to make things easier. It is best to stand strong now than later regretting and trying to undo you decisions. Its a must in divorce. It doesn't mean you can't be civil, just don't get pushed over.

My very best to you and your children.

Blind


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## lostluv (May 12, 2008)

skinman said:


> Jason,
> thanks man sorry to haer about your situation .... its a shame that woman can let it get to the point of being unable to fix.... mine said she tried to tell me but i never listened which is somewhat true.... I do love my wife and our marriage but what can i do... my hands are tied as it sounds your are...


This may not be a popular response but here goes: It is not just women who allow marriages to get this point. You say it is partiallly true that you never listened...this means it is at least partially your doing too. I would suggest as you take time through your grieving process you also take time for some self eval as well so this does not reoccur in your future.


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

lostluv said:


> This may not be a popular response but here goes: It is not just women who allow marriages to get this point. You say it is partiallly true that you never listened...this means it is at least partially your doing too. I would suggest as you take time through your grieving process you also take time for some self eval as well so this does not reoccur in your future.


thanks... and you are absolutely right... its not all womens fault men are to blame just as often...and I have accepted my part in the failure of my marriage.. I have learned a great deal about what i could have and should have done better... my wife on the other hand accepts none of the responsibilty.. she blames me for it all... thats ok if she has to to justify her actions to herself I am ok with being the bad guy.... it doesnt matter in the end because its still the END....

I love my wife very much and have let it be known on here where i failed her.. but she also failed me by not communicating the issues she had with us.... I forgive my wife...She felt she had to do this to make herself happy and for that I cant hold a grudge... I can hold a grudge for letting it get to the point that she didnt want to even try anymore... thats unacceptable if you ask me........

she was looking for a reason out and she found anyway she could.....


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## Guest (Dec 16, 2008)

Ok Skin, hold on a second. Your keeping yourself in the greiving process. Not that it is totally bad but you need to look ahead and to yourself. Stop blaming her and stop blaming yourself. What's done is done. People like you and I need to start moving forward. That doesn't mean your relationship is over because it isn't. It's just stuck in reverse right now. People do end up divorced and remarried. People do end up reconciling, otherwise we all wouldn't be here right now.

To give you an idea of what I am talking about is just going to reconfirm what everyone is saying. Get out, go to a gym, get in shape. Remember when you were single and trying to look damn good? Do it now. Don't do it because you think it will make her envious or wish she hadn't did what she did, do it for you. Think of it as at some point, someone (mainly you) will notice you. It might be her and it might be someone else. Whichever it is, you'll feel a million times better than what you do right now.

In my own situation, I've been dealing with perceived infidelity. This is a monumental struggle and yet I am trying to work thru it. Ironically, my wife made a comment about if she took a polygraph test I probably still wouldn't believe her. (bare in mind she is supposedly renting a spare bedroom from the guy). This morning I said, lets do the polygraph test, which she was open to. My door isn't shut on my relationship and yours may not be either.

Here's the point, you got to figure out what it was that she meant by your previous comment from her that "she can't be around you for the type of person you are." You need to figure that out. You've probably scratched the surface of it and if you really want to save this marriage, if she will let you, then you need to fix you and not her. That starts by taking care of yourself and listen to what everyone here is telling you. Go out and make yourself an attractive person or more attractive. Go buy new cloths and update your wardrobe (girls like that), trim your nose hairs (my wife told me that, ouch), get into shape (I've dropped 25 lbs), maybe see a stylist and get your gray hair cleaned up ( I color mine now, and no nothing major). At anyrate make yourself desirable and the next time she sees you she might go wow! Though she might make a sarcastic remark too, which is fine, it just means she noticed and is going to dwell on it some. If she isn't involved with someone else, which considering the situation she probably isn't, then your chances are much better. And know odds are you failed to meet her emotional needs. THAT you need to fix if you fix anything. This may be cheating a little but don't let her move out of state, that would severely hamper your ability to let her see your changes.


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## Guest (Dec 16, 2008)

Correction, that isn't cheating by preventing her from moving out of state. That is you getting to see your legal rights observed.

Fix yourself, make yourself more attractive, focus on what you did to make her leave and stop beating your head against a wall to make her see what you've done to improve. She'll see it on her own if you get to be around your kids. Oh and look at Sprite's story, her husband has been working on it for TWO YEARS and she hadn't even left the house via seperation.


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Jason said:


> Correction, that isn't cheating by preventing her from moving out of state. That is you getting to see your legal rights observed.
> 
> Fix yourself, make yourself more attractive, focus on what you did to make her leave and stop beating your head against a wall to make her see what you've done to improve. She'll see it on her own if you get to be around your kids. Oh and look at Sprite's story, her husband has been working on it for TWO YEARS and she hadn't even left the house via seperation.


Jason,
thanks for your comments buddy... I know exactly what I have done to lose her love..it was a combination of things... My not listening to what she really had to say and the biggie... Was my tone of voice when i spoke to hear...she always said i had an accusatory tone that would set her on her defenses right off the bat... I called her last night and asked her why a loan wasnt paid off that was supposed to be.... Well she mentioned it agian... "see thats why i cant be with you" I admit I was a little pissed when i called thinking that she had paid off the loan after giving her money for it..

So that I know is one thing that really needs work on... the sad thing is its only with her... I guess i have a lot of bitterness and resentment inside for the way she treated me while we were married... and our lack of intimacy.. were the major players in my attitude.. My wife was a very controlling woman.. it was her way or the highway so to speak and after time it got to me.....
she told me i could be the nicest person to total strangers yet bite her head off the next minute... Sad to say she was right but she did the same thing to me.. it was a cycle that we were caught up in.... loving each other to death one minute and biting each others head iff the next...

So in future cinversations with her i will make sure and try my hardest to be the sweet sounding guy she fell in love with.. I haven't given up totaly and will give her her way with the limited contact as you say with me seeing my daughters 3 or 4 days a week she is bound to notice...

If not someone else will.......  good luck with your situation...


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## Guest (Dec 17, 2008)

Go make yourself so damn desirable that she will notice you. But work on the things inside of you that made you react to her. Both of you caused issues but you both fed off each otehr in a combative way. Go find reading material and counceling (think you are on that already) to figure out why your doing what you are with her. Fix em and don't get stuck in self pitty, I can tell ya that one is way too easy to do.


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Jason said:


> Go make yourself so damn desirable that she will notice you. But work on the things inside of you that made you react to her. Both of you caused issues but you both fed off each otehr in a combative way. Go find reading material and counceling (think you are on that already) to figure out why your doing what you are with her. Fix em and don't get stuck in self pitty, I can tell ya that one is way too easy to do.


Thanks Jason,

I still love my wife very much. so much in fact that I am willing to lose her for her to be happy.... I feel bad for what has happened I never thought it would get to this and your right... I hope she can see a change in the way I react with her... I cant make her love me or want to be with me but maybe just maybe she will see something she likes still in me before its to late.. If not I will know that i tried and will wish her much happiness...

And as of now she wont be moving out of state.. she realized that I would fight her tooth and nail and she didnt want to put our daughter through that... But I spoke with an attorney yesterday and he said if I keep seeing my daughters like i am it will be hard for her to leave...

Thanks for your good wishes and advice...
Skin


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

skinman said:


> I guess i have a lot of bitterness and resentment inside for the way she treated me while we were married... and our lack of intimacy.. were the major players in my attitude.. My wife was a very controlling woman.. it was her way or the highway so to speak and after time it got to me.....


Are you saying you should have done everything she wanted just to keep the peace? Or is that what you mostly did anyway? I am interested to know more about this.


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> Are you saying you should have done everything she wanted just to keep the peace? Or is that what you mostly did anyway? I am interested to know more about this.


Yes... for the most part I went along with what she wanted... like you say trying to keep the peace... not all the time though and thats usually when conflicts arised... it wasnt an everyday thing but more times than not........a lot of the time even with the kids she was very demanding.... there wasn't a lot of flexibilty with her...


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## Guest (Dec 17, 2008)

Skin, just remember each of us perceive the situation within our own relationships very likely much different than our spouses. For two months I have been chasing my tail trying to hear what my wife was really saying drove her away. It's hard to actually "hear" what they are saying as we want to interpret it and rationalize it. I know I may sound vague in what I am saying with regards to how you are interpreting your period of time in dealing with her in your marriage. But I can bet she will have a totally different perception of what it was like to her. Now don't get me wrong, she might be the worst wife on the planet and stuck up on herself and to rigid, selffish, etc, etc to you that she doesn't deserve you. Ironically, I could loosely say that about my own but I know better. We are reactive people and we react to what someone who is closest to us does. When you put two people in the same lives, things happen during a period of time and we react to it. 

So I guess what I am trying to say is first do you think you "want" to truly be married to her. If so, do you think if the way you acted with her, would she change the way she acts with you? If not completely, could you deal with it if she was still her (insert her personality here) persona. If yes, then stop trying to figure out how to win her back, how to fix her and focus on yourself. She probably is going to go thru the motions of the divorce. Bare in mind it will take time to make it happen. Drag your feet without incurring expenses by doing so or pissing her off, and work on yourself.

For example, I am still working with my wife on getting back together. When she left, she was in a very unlikely come back scenario. Now she is talking about it but nothing difinitive. I have accused her of infidelity and actually hired a PI to prove her whereabouts. She swears she hasn't done anything with the person and this last weekend offered to take a Polygraph test, which I took her up on yesterday. She said she would, just let her know when. I said if we're going to get back together then I would set it up to give me piece of mind to work on our future without the questions of the past. 

So that's what point my own relationship is. We're still talking but are in complete limbo. It could go either way, but I can promise if we were still bickering, which happens some but not like before, which is where I percieve your at, it would be over quicker than a signature could get signed.

But guess what, I'm not totally sitting around loathing my dilema. Last night I went to a cooking class at our local culinary school. I like to cook and wanted to do something for myself and get out of the empty house. I was the ONLY guy out of 24 women. I didn't know it until the end of the class, but one of the ladies there was trying to hook me up with two of the 20 something college interns. LOL not that I am looking but I found it pretty funny. No phone numbers but it was nice to get some attention like that. So get your butt out of the house and start getting involved with stuff. If your like me your dwelling on the marriage, probably finding every little thing that makes you sad (cry) and trying to figure her out. Do yourself a favor and give your mind a rest for alittle bit and have some fun. This period your in will pass, eventually. It will seem like it's impossible but it will pass. Trust me, I've had ever swing of emotions from wanting to end it all to anger, revenge, self loathing, pitty, etc etc etc. You got to force yourself thru the cycles to get to acceptance of where its at and stop feeling sorry for the situation. Sorry I am not trying to be mean, it's what my therapist slaps me around with twice a week. My wife is starting to slowly slowly notice I am changing and she is talking about getting back together a tiny little bit. I think it will eventually happen if I stay the course, which is focusing on myself and being a good husband while I still have the title. You go do the same man and get out of your slump.


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

thanks jason....

for the most part she says she's done... doesn't want what we had anymore and will never let me back in... so what am i to do ? i still love her and want her but cant make her want me.. i am trying to accept the fact that in her minds its over and should be in mine too... like you said things happen and who knows what the future holds... i would like to think in the future we could work ot out... her in the other hand is moving forward and im in the past with no going back........ so all i can do is work on me.......... try and be happy for myself and be the best dad i can..... she doesn't even want to be friends at this point says she needs me out of her life... read the post about her email....... thats what she wants i will give it to her........

not much other choice than that buddy..


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## Guest (Dec 17, 2008)

I sent you an pm too. All I'm trying to say is the first half of that paragraph up there your talking about the what if's, how to change her, its over for her and should be for you, etc. That is the part I'm trying to tell you to stop doing. It isn't over, it's just going in reverse at the moment. I don't know her but I'm guessing what ever pushed her to her breking point she wants no part of. She doesn't want what you two had back. That's what drove her away. So you bet she doesn't want the old part back. She doesn't want to be friends at the moment. Fine, but regardless she still has to see you because of the kids. So make sure to enjoy the kids, don't let them get in the middle or be put in the middle and let her witness the big transformation that is SKINMAN. Go out and give yourself a makeover so to speak. Pick yourself up by the bootstraps and make her look back at you out of curiousity.


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Jason said:


> I sent you an pm too. All I'm trying to say is the first half of that paragraph up there your talking about the what if's, how to change her, its over for her and should be for you, etc. That is the part I'm trying to tell you to stop doing. It isn't over, it's just going in reverse at the moment. I don't know her but I'm guessing what ever pushed her to her breking point she wants no part of. She doesn't want what you two had back. That's what drove her away. So you bet she doesn't want the old part back. She doesn't want to be friends at the moment. Fine, but regardless she still has to see you because of the kids. So make sure to enjoy the kids, don't let them get in the middle or be put in the middle and let her witness the big transformation that is SKINMAN. Go out and give yourself a makeover so to speak. Pick yourself up by the bootstraps and make her look back at you out of curiousity.


Thanks Buddy,

She will see what she is going to miss out on...  the new improved Skin......... Thanks Jason... I wish you the best in your situation... and you right she doesnt want the old guy back.... but just might want some of the NEW GUY....... wish me luck... its gonna take a lot of work and determination to sway her... 
who knows..

skin


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

skinman said:


> Yes... for the most part I went along with what she wanted... like you say trying to keep the peace... not all the time though and thats usually when conflicts arised... it wasnt an everyday thing but more times than not........a lot of the time even with the kids she was very demanding.... there wasn't a lot of flexibilty with her...


That's probably why she got bored with you. When women complain all the time, if you give in to keep the peace rather than because it was the correct thing to do in the situation, they simply do not respect you. On a primeval level, women want a man that can protect them. If you can't even stand up to her, she will reason that you are not going to be able to protect her from things that overwhelm her, as she is already stronger than you. Am I making sense?

So if you do ever get back together, have a list of your minimum requirements and don't budge. Do not settle, because if you do, you will be going back to the same old, same old, and she will not respect you, and you will just end up splitting up again. Take sex... how often would you like it? If she is not into sex, and you are, then there is no basis for a sexual relationship. Anything less is wussy-footed muddle-mind trash thinking. 

However, I am convinced that that the *new-you* would be far more intoxicating  She will want more sex. Just don't water it down once you start free-wheeling, because, then she will want less sex. Simple!


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> That's probably why she got bored with you. When women complain all the time, if you give in to keep the peace rather than because it was the correct thing to do in the situation, they simply do not respect you. On a primeval level, women want a man that can protect them. If you can't even stand up to her, she will reason that you are not going to be able to protect her from things that overwhelm her, as she is already stronger than you. Am I making sense?
> 
> So if you do ever get back together, have a list of your minimum requirements and don't budge. Do not settle, because if you do, you will be going back to the same old, same old, and she will not respect you, and you will just end up splitting up again. Take sex... how often would you like it? If she is not into sex, and you are, then there is no basis for a sexual relationship. Anything less is wussy-footed muddle-mind trash thinking.
> 
> However, I am convinced that that the *new-you* would be far more intoxicating  She will want more sex. Just don't water it down once you start free-wheeling, because, then she will want less sex. Simple!



Thanks Mt,

I dont think I will have to worry about getting back together... she is fight every attempt for anything but getting away.. She wont even talk with me anymore so all I can do is really concentrate on myself and hope for the best... 

Thanks... I do realzie that i was somewhat of a pushover with her... At the time it seemed so much easier to agree and give her her way that cause another fight...

skin


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## Sprite (Nov 3, 2008)

hmmm, I wonder...have you ever let her know of her controlling ways during any of your conversations with her? I don't mean to "bash" her, but....she has things to answer for too, have you ever made her accountable for her part in the breakup?

Have you ever asked her exactly what is was that made her feel she needs you completely out of her life?

Stop blaming yourself for all of this. Often when there is a controlling spouse, those of us that are NOT the controlling one lose self esteem. We tend to start believeing what the controlling one has to say as truth, which is not always rightfully so. Is she controlling enough to allow you to believe you were the major cause of this? It sounds to me like she is taking the cowards way out. It is so much easier to say "its all your fault"..or " you did this to me" and be done with it, than to accept the fact that we may have played a part in this too.

My opinion is that you need to make her understand that she played a part in it too. Stop being the nice guy and taking all the blame. It doesn't sound to me like you are the only one that needed to make changes in themself.

Next time you go to pick up your daughter....even tho this may be hard to do....act like you are happier than you have ever been in your life. Make a plan to take your daughter somewhere fun, and let her know you are doing it. Smile, laugh, act happy, but tell her you have to hurry or you are going to be late...hurry your daughter along into the car..and get in and drive off. It will make her think...trust me on this! You don't even have to tell her anything...just say you have something special planned....that simple. If you treat her with animosity, it will make her stop and think.

I want you to look back on the past 15 years...really think about it...was it really all your fault? 

She says she wants to find someone she has something in common with right? At one point you had things in common and goals in common or you never would have gotten married. Think hard..were they YOUR goals or hers? Have you asked her exactly what it means when she says that? What kind of things is she talking about? Don't be passive in your conversations with her...tell her like it is...she may not be aware of the fact that she comes across as so controlling.

I wish you luck, but don't ever say its over until it actually is. If you had asked me a year ago, I would have said my marriage was over and I wanted out....but things have changed..it is possible. But you can not just show it in your words...actions are a much better judge if someone has really changed or not.


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Sprite said:


> Stop blaming yourself for all of this. Often when there is a controlling spouse, those of us that are NOT the controlling one lose self esteem. We tend to start believeing what the controlling one has to say as truth, which is not always rightfully so. Is she controlling enough to allow you to believe you were the major cause of this? It sounds to me like she is taking the cowards way out. It is so much easier to say "its all your fault"..or " you did this to me" and be done with it, than to accept the fact that we may have played a part in this too.
> 
> I want you to look back on the past 15 years...really think about it...was it really all your fault?
> 
> I wish you luck, but don't ever say its over until it actually is. If you had asked me a year ago, I would have said my marriage was over and I wanted out....but things have changed..it is possible. But you can not just show it in your words...actions are a much better judge if someone has really changed or not.


thank you Sprite...

I actually went over and got my daughter and step daughter tonight....It was hard... especially after i looked around and there wasnt one picture of us together... it was as if she wiped out 15 years of memories with one cleaning.... it broke my heart to see that... it took everything i had to keep smiling and act like everything is going great..... the evening was fun but all i could think of was that she took down all the pictures and there was no trace i ever lived there....


yes i have let her know of her controlling ways but of course she deies it.. she calls me mr Denial.. and I ahve talked with her about what happened between us and all i ever get was that it was my fault... she reacted to my actions.. she is taking the cowards way out by blaming me for everything... I admitted to her my faults and what i could have done better.... never has she said that any of it was her..... i spoke with an uncle of hers yesteday... he even told me Skin... i think you;ll be much happier without her... he kows how she is and he wont even talk with her because of what she has done......

and looking back I kniw it wasnt always me... i had a daughter who was 14 at the time move in with us when my first wife passed away,,, well she had always despised my daughter because i left my wife when we were dating in high school and married this other girl.. she never got over the bitterness about that.. anyway my oldest daughter got pregnant when she was 17... well my wife kicked her out of the house.... she talked me into the idea by saying she would kick me out to and make my life miserable.... there is just a little taste of how controlling she was....

To be honest i think i will be much better off without her..... its just getting over the heartbreak and beating that my ego and self esteem has taken after all these years.. My oldest is very happy that it has gone this way... She said I deserve much better treatment than i have gotten... I know when i look back in a couple years and see how miserable i was with my life i will be thankfull that she had the guts to shoot the dog or our marriage......... and thank you...i know its not over until its over but when you come back to your house that you helped build and all the photo's of you are gone......... that right there tells me its over !!!


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## supermom (Dec 19, 2008)

That is the smartest thing i have read all day. You did great! I give you props for having the strength to endure such an event. Its almost like playing games! No offense to my gender....but women are confusing! I would not doubt that you understand her better than she does  Good luck, and stay strong, you sound like a great husband!


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

supermom said:


> That is the smartest thing i have read all day. You did great! I give you props for having the strength to endure such an event. Its almost like playing games! No offense to my gender....but women are confusing! I would not doubt that you understand her better than she does  Good luck, and stay strong, you sound like a great husband!


Thank you supermom,

It was hard and to think of all the we had gone through to just be hidden away like that hurt very much.... I had the dreams return last night and they were intense woke me up a couple times thinking about her...... I will be glad when they finally go away.... Thank you for the great husband compliment... I guess you can call me that for 10 more months.. Then I will be the great EX. husband........


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Well everyone,
I found something very disturbing on Friday when I picked up my daughter I found a used Douche in my EX. trash can.....I was shocked and hurt by seeing that.. after 15 years together she nly used those after sex...It broke my heart knowing that mu wife has been having sex with another man in my bed and my house....

What would you all do in my situation.. I have written her a letter letting her know that i saw that and pretty much hate her for what she has done............


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

ok i can understand the hurt and pain you are going through.. right now you need to be strong and focus on your own life.. If shes sleeping with other men you need to make sure your children arnt effected but id say back of and let your only contact be about the children i know it hurts badly..stop hurting yourself more look fowards start today !


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

so do you all think i should try and find out who the other man is and bust open the affair ???? or would you let it go and move on...i dont think it will in the divorce without pissing her off even more ? 

any thoughts ?


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

skinman said:


> Well everyone,
> I found something very disturbing on Friday when I picked up my daughter I found a used Douche in my EX. trash can.....I was shocked and hurt by seeing that.. after 15 years together she nly used those after sex...


Can you explain to someone dumb like me who comes from the UK, why a woman would use such a thing? Does it help?


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> Can you explain to someone dumb like me who comes from the UK, why a woman would use such a thing? Does it help?



well she used it to clean herself out after unprotected sex.... i assume she did the same thing prior to me picking up my daughter.... i noticed all the blinds in the house were pulled down like she was hiding someone or didnt want someone to be seen........... that was never the case when i was there


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

skinman said:


> so do you all think i should try and find out who the other man is and bust open the affair ???? or would you let it go and move on...i dont think it will in the divorce without pissing her off even more ?
> 
> any thoughts ?


do you know for certain she has another man??? :scratchhead: or is your imagination on overdrive?

your priortys need to be with your daughters .
if another man was over was he there when your daughters were ..for that reason i do think you need to know who he is ,,if he does exsist.

it could be that she was simply trying to wind you up !! if this wa the case it worked .


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

humpty dumpty said:


> do you know for certain she has another man??? :scratchhead: or is your imagination on overdrive?
> 
> your priortys need to be with your daughters .
> if another man was over was he there when your daughters were ..for that reason i do think you need to know who he is ,,if he does exsist.
> ...


well my daughters were in school at the time... but the only time she used to douche was after sex...that and the fact she had her pubic hair triimers out on the sink....

i know her good enough to know she wasnt just keeping herself clean


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

I can't imagen how you feel . You must be going through hell , i think you need to ask her if hes safe to have around the home off yopur children how well and how long has she known him.

Please look after your own emotions i know its hard but take care of yourself


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

humpty dumpty said:


> I can't imagen how you feel . You must be going through hell , i think you need to ask her if hes safe to have around the home off yopur children how well and how long has she known him.
> 
> Please look after your own emotions i know its hard but take care of yourself



Well i asked her a couple weeks back if she left me for someone and she said no... and i believed her.... but after seeing what I did i have begun to wonder........ it has made it easier to move on.... knowing that I would never take her back after this but I also would like her to know... that I know she lieing !!

thanks for your opinion......


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

It could be that she met him well before you split and she didnt want to anger you .

If you have acceptted that things are over, then tell her that she cant hurt you any more ,there is no need for lies just the good honest truth so that you can both move on and get on with your lifes.

sort out a agreement so you can maintain contact with your children and if i was you id make it a legal document .

I hope you find the strenght to get through this! i know it hurts you deserve to be happy good luck


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

humpty dumpty said:


> It could be that she met him well before you split and she didnt want to anger you .
> 
> If you have acceptted that things are over, then tell her that she cant hurt you any more ,there is no need for lies just the good honest truth so that you can both move on and get on with your lifes.
> 
> ...



well she has been great about me seeing the kids... there hasnt been any problems with that just about anytime i want them i can get them... as for an agreement we will probably wait until time to file for a divorce... going to try and sell the house this spring hopefully it will sell....

thanks for your good wishes... it gets a little easier with each day... but yes it does hurt to have her throw away almost 16 years together........ 

but you cant make someone want to be with you... sje probably got excited by the newness of it... who knows .. i guess it really doesnt matter anymore.. whats done is done !!


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

Little steps at a time ,dont look at it at throwing away 16 years you had good times you have your wonderful daughters .

look back at you relationship and learn from it ... one day you will find someone to share your life with and i hope you can look back and smile again 

All the best x


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

humpty dumpty said:


> Little steps at a time ,dont look at it at throwing away 16 years you had good times you have your wonderful daughters .
> 
> look back at you relationship and learn from it ... one day you will find someone to share your life with and i hope you can look back and smile again
> 
> All the best x


Thank you humpty..... 

I hope the same one day !! and you know... I am not bitter or angry with her and I told her... I told her I understood why she did this because she felt thats what she needed to do to be happy... she said we had grown apart which is true... 

still hurts but we did have some great times and i was blessed with a beautiful daughter who loves me more than anything.......

Time to let her go !!!
I will probably thank her one day !!


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

Im sure you will , and it takes a real man to not be bitter or angry well done ,keep things that way for you and your daughters here's hoping that you have a fantastic 2009.


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

humpty dumpty said:


> Im sure you will , and it takes a real man to not be bitter or angry well done ,keep things that way for you and your daughters here's hoping that you have a fantastic 2009.



Thanks Humpty... I wish you the best in 2009 also !!


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## Sprite (Nov 3, 2008)

Skin, I am so sorry to hear about his latest development in your situation.

But first MT...my personal opinion on the whole douche thing...your body has its own secretions for "cleaning" purposes and is not needed to be clean. My opinion of the type of woman that use them are those that can not let nature do it's job. It can not wash away enough seman to avoid pregnancy, and it can not wash away any disease that may be lurking about. Unless you are one of the rare women that have an allergy to seman..it helps nothing really.

Anyways Skin.... you know your wife better than any of us, and if you feel she is having an affair, she probably is. This would do alot to explain why she won't even attempt to hold the marriage together and wants you out completely.

If it was me??? I would make sure she knows that if it in anyway effects the children...there will be hell to pay!

In the case of adultery...does your State still require a one year seperation? I would check into it. Has either of you filed for legal seperation yet? You can put a stipulation in it that she is NOT allowed to be with another man while she has the kids. If she is caught...then you get the kids!

I feel bad that she took all the pictures down...thats just cold and it had to hurt bad. I am sorry you had to deal with that. But, you sound like you are on YOUR way to getting passed all this and moving on with YOUR life. I wish you the best of luck and will keep you in my prayers!


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Thank you Sprite... well my wife doesn't have to worry about getting pregnant she had a hysterectomy years ago.. so i kow it wasnt used for that... And rhank you for your kind words and prayers... Today has been an off and on day... I still thnik about her alot but I am starting to realize that I cant make her want to be with me or even love me.... The woman that i see off and on is not the woman I loved for all these years... Looks just like her but it isnt her... The woman I see now is cold and heartless and could care less how she has hurt me and our family...

So you know what i am trying to move past this bad time in my life and look forward to a future that only i can decide what happens...as for the divorce... you still need to be apart for a year with minor children involved.... hopefully she will keep the guy away from the girls for a while... she has her days to herself so it seems thats when she has him over.. knowing that i will be working...... but you know.. the more i think about it the less i care.. Sure it hurts to think of my wife with another man being intimate and sharing things i always thought we would be doing but its getting easier to let go...

at the time the pictures did hurt... but seeing the douche hurt at first but then it started becoming clearer that my marriage was indeed over.... thanks again Sprite... my best wishes for a merry Christmas and a happy new year !!!


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

You all know... If I could change my thread title I would... I would change it to "I gave up" I have realized during these past 2 months of separation quite a few things about myself and others... For one you cant make someone love you .. even though for the past 15 years you assumed they did... Assumed is the key word here.. I took my wife for granted for so many years always going with the staus quo... thinking that no matter what she would have my back even during the rough times.... Well I was wrong it was during those rough times that she searched out a friend... someone who had other intentions on his mind and saw an opportunity to move in....

Her needing something she wasnt geeting from me took advantage of the situation to share her pain and misery with this guy never once telling her husband how she reaaly felt and what she really needed... only confiding in this friend that listened to her......... Damn those words sting... they are the same ones she told me right after we separated...... I guess she doesnt realize that most men will tell you anything if they think they have a chance to "get to know you " a little better.....

I dont know.... should i be hateful and bitter towards her for what she did or was it me that drove her to do this...??? even though she has blamed me thorughout this for all the problems in our marriage i dont think i was the problem... How things change so quickly in life.... I have an email i have saved at work from my STBXW from a few weeks before this all started....
that morning i gave her my usual kiss good bye and wispered into her ear " I love you" well later that morning she wrote me.... thanking me for the kiss and telling her i loved her....

The sad thing is I have more emails saved from her now telling me how much she hates me and blames me for everything wrong in her life... I guess the new guy will make verything better for her.... Intead of her husband who has busted his A$$ for her fo the past 16 years giving her a nice home and everything else.............

I did all the hard work for some other dude to reap the benefits....


here is something i read earlier today..... sure wish i had seen it before the million or so tears that I have shed.....

*No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is won't make you cry. *


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Thanks M22,

you know the sad part is i still do love her... after all the hurtfull and hatefull things she has said to me I still cannot get her out of my heart. It is getting easier to try and keep my thoughts of her to a minimum but there are the times that she wont leave my mind.. I am still struggeling with the dreams some night are difficult and others I sleep well...today Christmas eve i will have all my girls and grandaughter over to celebrate. that should keep my mind from wandering to much towards the stbxw but all the time I know thoughts of her spending the day with him will bother me...As you have said I am taking it one day at a time.. what else can I do.. I am tired of hurting and caring for someone who couldn't even send me a xmas card... I sent her one.. letting her know that i will be thinking of her tomorrow and remembering all the wonderfull christmas we spent together..who knows if she even read it.. she probably recognized my hand writing and threw it away..

just like she threw me away......but like you say someone oneday will come along and make me their world... and that right there is why i carry on.......


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Fate ... do you all belive in it ??? 


heres a little about me and my situation

If you asked me this 3 months ago i would have said yes... You see me and my STBXW. dated 20 something years ago while she was in high school.. well i wasnt ready for a relationship at the time and we split up... I met my frist wife and we never saw each other again... She married another guy and spent 6 or 7 years with him.. my first marriage lasted only a couple... 

fast forward to 16 years ago.. well she called me up out of the blue to say hello. we hit it off like it was when we were dating..... ended up living together for a few years and then marrying....... Well that lasted almot 16 years until she kicked me out in October of this year........ well this woman was my world... I would have died for her only to find out that she was having an affair and since that day she has made my life Hell..... I guess the point is there is some sort of fate involved but you have to remeber the lord has plans for all of us...... sometime the plans dont agree with what we want he brought my wife back into my life knowing that as a result we would be blessed with a beautiful daughter and I would be the surrogate father to her daugher rasing her as my own... While her own father abandoned her...

So to answer the question Yes i do belive in fate !!! but I also believe that people come into our lives just when we need them and they leave when they have done their purpose.... I am broken hearted over my wifes affair and leaving me but I know in the big picture of things that she served her purpose and it was time for her to leave....... this was a lesson to me and i have learned what it will take when that special once in a lifetime person does show up..........

I will know next time when my soulmate shows up just what to do to make her my life.......... Read what I have written and think about it...........

have peace knowing that there is something better for you ahead !! you just have to BELIEVE !!!


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

skin...
i don't know how you're coping because i'm having a hell of a tough time and my separation is going (relatively) well...God bless you and your overwhelmingly positive attitude.


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

voivod said:


> skin...
> i don't know how you're coping because i'm having a hell of a tough time and my separation is going (relatively) well...God bless you and your overwhelmingly positive attitude.


Thank you Voivod... I have my days friend.. I am not doing well at the moment friend... but I do belive that things happen for a reason... Keep strong my friend... I pray that you and Beth are able to work through your differences... sadly I have accepted the fact that my marriage is indeed over... so my prayers are for those that still have a chance...


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Well the New Year is 2 days old.... I had so much hope that I could start it out on a good note... Sadly i spent New years eve alone. Knowing that my stbxw was having a party at my house living it up. I wondered if she thought of me ? We spent 15 new years eve's together. I didnt even get a call from her. Makes me wonder how someone could forget everything that we had done and the special memories we shared so easy. After all these years I find it so hard to get her out of my mind, Thoughts of her are with me constantly. Why cant I be like her and be so cold and heartless.. Why is it so hard for me yet so easy for her.. She knows how much she meant to me and yet none of that matters now....... It breaks my heart and I cant imagine letting my heart go to another woman like I have her.She has broken my heart, my spirit and anything else she could in the process ........

It is going to be a long day...... Give me strength Lord...


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Yesterday was a great day... something I haven't had many of since this all started back in October... To be honest it was one of the most restless nights of sleeping I have had in a while but when I finally got out of bed @ 3:30 I felt fantastic... I felt a peace come over me that I haven't known in ages. I felt like the ole Skin that I was used to feeling like before the nightmare that I am in the middle of started.. I have been doing a lot of reading about forgiveness and letting go of resentment... not for the other person but for yourself.. The anger and bitterness will eat you up I see that almost everytime I have to deal with the stbxw.. She is filled with anger and hate towards me and so many others its hard to describe.... 

I have lived with this for almost 16 years seeing how the smallest thing can turn into a huge deal with her, things that have happened 15 years ago will be brought up and used like it was yesterday.... I dont want to live my life like that I dont want to hate my stbxw for what she has done to me and our family... I know in time I will be able to forgive her for what she has done I most likely will never tell her I have forgiven her but that doesnt have to happen.. as long as I believe in my heart that I have then I can let go..

I hope oneday to be able to look back and smile at some of the stuff we have experienced after 16 years together we have done a lot.. I would like to think the same of her... If it happens great if, not of well her loss...
I went to church last week for the first time in almost 25 years... The topic was forgiveness.. how ironic is that ???. I dont know some of you will probably blast me for even talking about forgiving her.... But I know if the shoe was on the other foot I would want her to forgive me....


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

mommy22 said:


> Like you said, the forgiveness helps YOU heal. You're healing slowly but surely. Best wishes to you in this new year.


Thanks M22,

I could use some good wishes for 2009.... after the end of 2008 it can only get better....  sure cant get any worse.... if it did I would be dead and wouldn't care any.........


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I have the same thoughts on forgiveness and I believe you are right--you don't need to tell her, you only need the peace and closure it brings you.

I hope you have a great 2009 & the good days begin to far outweigh the bad ones.


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

swedish said:


> I have the same thoughts on forgiveness and I believe you are right--you don't need to tell her, you only need the peace and closure it brings you.
> 
> I hope you have a great 2009 & the good days begin to far outweigh the bad ones.



Swedish,
thank you for your good wishes... I hope the days start getting better soon.. this flip flopping is taking its toll on me....each time I see her she seems to be doing so well.... makes it hurt even more...


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## Guest (Jan 7, 2009)

Skin, as I have said before, its all about you now. You need to get off the rollercoaster that you keep riding. She is driving that rollercoaster thru your own emotions. At some point you will have the ability to get off that ride and get on another. That day will be so much better for you and it will come sooner than you think.

We will always love our significant other but at some point when they don't demonstrate it back to you, that is when you will get your closure and know the new ride is just beginning.

Enjoy yourself and know better days are ahead of you.


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Jason said:


> Skin, as I have said before, its all about you now. You need to get off the rollercoaster that you keep riding. She is driving that rollercoaster thru your own emotions. At some point you will have the ability to get off that ride and get on another. That day will be so much better for you and it will come sooner than you think.
> 
> We will always love our significant other but at some point when they don't demonstrate it back to you, that is when you will get your closure and know the new ride is just beginning.
> 
> Enjoy yourself and know better days are ahead of you.


Thanks Jason,

I saw her again last night... This time though it didn't phase me one bit i wasnt going to talk with her but she asked me to come in and saw hi... I was thinking oh boy here we go.... But to be hoenst i handled it well.. I played with my dog and talked with my stepdaughter pretty much ignoring that the stbxw was even in the room...... All she saw was a happy guy going on with his life without her.......... More power to us..........

So how are you doing ? things looking up for you in 2009 ? you know they will man... We are much better people than our stbxw has made us out to be... Good people always perservere.... !! We will come out on top when all is said and done... Be strong friend !


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## Guest (Jan 7, 2009)

Dont take this wrong but get off the rollercoaster. I dont think you really heard me because you keep the inner dwelling going on by what you wrote above. If your dwelling then your still on the ride. I know this sounds harsh but just flat out get off that ride. End the contact, dont be rude but plain put it in the back of your mind and forget it. Go see your kids, don't bother going inside, don't do any of it. If you eliminate that part of it, things will change for you. Stop referring to her as stbxw, because it just looks like a mechanism for allowing yourself to keep dwelling. Whats the point of it, does it really matter? I hate to be harsh but lets be honest about our significant others, and I mean that to people in general not our own, if they chose a path that led them to what their doing, then why on earth do we latch on to go on that ride. If people are going to head off down their own desired ambitions, then let them. People may still try to reconcile and very well might but to what point is everyone on these forums going to destroy their own mental state dwelling on the "what if's" and "woe is me" self absorbed frustrations of life. I know that sounds absolutely heartless and harsh but it's tough love and someone needs to say it. I have been in the deepest of depressions myself but you know what? I got off the damn ride. Why? Because I am not going on that roller coaster of emotions and allow two other people to rule me. I can carry on in life and I know for a fact that someone out there, probably a lot of people out there, would absolutely love me for who I am and would never handle issues the way my own spouse has. 

So it's simple, get off the stinking ride and carry on with your life. Pick your kids up, but don't go accepting a invite to walk in and talk. Just pick your kids up and enjoy them. Get off the ride Skin.


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Jason said:


> So it's simple, get off the stinking ride and carry on with your life. Pick your kids up, but don't go accepting a invite to walk in and talk. Just pick your kids up and enjoy them. Get off the ride Skin.



You know Jason you are probably right... I never thought that going in and being friendly would hurt at this point since I am doing better, but now that you have made your point I see what you mean.. I mean why should I be pleasant to her after all she has done and said to me... That time might come later but for now I need to work on building my self esteem up and not letting her get the best of my emotions... which she does even though she isnt trying....... Just seeing her all smiling and happy pisses me off .......

Thanks Friend.... nothing like a good smack up side the head to wake you up ....


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Well Jason,
I took your advice buddy.. I have gotten off the roller coaster ride I have been on... Yesterday I spoke with my wife on the phone about getting my daughter... I flat out told her I didnt want to talk with her that we would correspond through email or text messages... She said what do you mean you dont want to talk with me.. ? I said what dont you understand. I dont want to talk... She said well thats a complete 180 degrees from 3 weeks ago when you said I love you and will always be there for you.. I said well last time we spoke you told me how much you f-ing hated me... So why on earth should I be all warm and fuzzy to you after you said that.... I could tell it hurt her feelings but so what...she had some lame excuse... So tomorrow when I get my daughter I will wait in the car.. 

I am taking my power back and cutting her right out of my life if she doesnt want me in hers why should she be in mine......


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

swedish said:


> I have the same thoughts on forgiveness and I believe you are right--you don't need to tell her, you only need the peace and closure it brings you.


Yes this true forgiveness, it can only be done internally by oneself.

​


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

mommy22 said:


> Skin, just keep taking it one day at a time. Your only obligation is to your children. So, aside from their well-bieng, do what you need to do to get through this. If waiting in the car is what you need to do, then do it. If you were grieving from the loss of a loved one, people would expect you to take your time and do things at your own pace. This is no different. So, as Jason said, don't allow her emotions to dictate your life any longer.


Thanks M22,

I had to see her today when I dropped off my daughter... She had my title to a car I gave my stepdaughter than I needed to sign over to her... Well one thing led to another and we talked for a few minutes.... Later today I texted her and told her she looked good... big mistake on my part... since then we have traded texts back and forth... each one more hurtfull than the last... I have tried why cant I get her out of my heart.. I cant help thinking about her.. i was doing so good last week... but today and yesterday have messed with me bad....

Give me strength Lord... I need it more than ever now...


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

mommy22 said:


> You wanna know why you're having a hard time? It's because you're a good person, a caring soul. While she's become hardened and cold, you haven't changed. Don't change.
> 
> Hold her at arms length and don't compliment her anymore. However, don't let her cruelty change who YOU are. Keep being the kind, gentle person you are. Don't allow her to make you bitter. If you do, SHE holds the upper hand. She's held the cards long enough. You now deserve more out of life.


you know she kept saying to move on... like it should be so easy... I told her I was moving on but that it will take time to get her out of my heart... I told her I even tried to hate her but couldn't.....It seems so easy for her to be cruel to me and say things that will hurt..... I have never told her that I hated her because I dont hate her..... I dont ever want to hate her I am just tired of loving her.... 

I wish sometimes it was as easy for me at it is for her.... Even after all she has done and said to me I am struggling to let go of the love that I feel for her...


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Well Today I think I have found closure and will be able to move on with my life knowing that the stbxw will be a small part of it... We had a nice long talk today and we discussed the problems that we had and where we both went wrong... Today she finally apologized for what she has done.. She said she was truly sorry for hurting me the way she has... I accepted her apology knowing that forgiveness in the end will benefit me more than holding onto the bitterness that I have felt.. We talked about the issues that I have and will need to work on if I am to find happiness again with another woman... To be honest she was dead on with some of her comments.. It took this talk for me to see see where I went wrong and pushed her away... It doesn't excuse her for seeking out another man but I did tell her I understood why she did it... I can see now where I need work, she always brought the issues up but I never acted on them..


I hope one day we will be able to be friends... We are trying to do the divorce ourselves so hopefully we will be able to do that without to much animosity or bitterness... It will be so much easier for the girls if we can.... I Told my wife that I hope she indeed finds happiness... I told her I have forgiven her and she wished that I find happiness too....

I do hurt for the loss of my family and marriage but I know in the end this is the best way to go... I can admit that I wasn't happy... I was content as was she... we had been going along with the flow for so long as we each drifted apart...I am sure I will have days that I am sad for the loss because I do feel I love my wife very much but now I have the chance to find someone who will love me that much more... I dont know.. Its kind of exciting to think now I can do whatever I want... I know I will always have a special place in my heart for my wife.. We have shared so many good times that I wont let the bitterness that she feels toward me spoil our special memories.... She showed me the country on our 3 cross country trip.. until her I had never left Virginia... but in our 3 trips we put in over 20,000 miles seeing almost 22 states in the process.. She introduced me to her aunt and uncle... Someone I have grown to love as my own family and they feel the same for me. 

She has blessed me with a daughter whom I love more than anything and is such a Daddies girl.. A stepdaughter with whom our relationship wasnt always great but I feel she loves me like a dad..

I know I failed my wife and family I can see clearly where I went wrong... I am man enough to admit that.. I must now learn from my mistakes so in the future they will not be repeated...

I will always love you D... I hope oneday you will forgive me for failing you like I did.. I did the best that I knew how ... May the lord look over you as you continue through this life...Blessing you with good health and happiness ...


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## jonnydee (Jan 14, 2009)

Skinman,

I feel your pain. I'm in a similar situation. Long story. I had moved out--a 30 day thing--and after one day realized that 1) I didn't want the separation, she did, and 2) the person who moves out loses. We had arranged for me to cook dinner and hand with the kids anyway, so I was already here when I texted her to say, "I'm sleeping here tonight." 

I miss her so much it hurts. But I don't want to move out. I know she doesn't want me here but really, if she needs space from me, shouldn't she move out?

jd


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

skinman said:


> To be honest she was dead on with some of her comments.. It took this talk for me to see see where I went wrong and pushed her away... It doesn't excuse her for seeking out another man but I did tell her I understood why she did it... I can see now where I need work, she always brought the issues up but I never acted on them..


This snippet of your post is a major milestone, and could be the clue to your getting back together with her - eventually.

Let me tell you why. It tells me that right up until yesterday, you did not know how you were driving her away. OK, you knew in the back of your mind, but it was not crystal clear.

I think if you work on these things, while giving her plenty of space, she will loosen up. The fact that she keeps asking you what you want to do about divorce/separation shows that there is still a glimmer of doubt in her mind.

Do not go up to her just yet and say, I'll work on x y and z. You can't get away with that at this point. Do the work internally.

Even if you don't get her back, she is correct, you will be better for the next woman. Oh by the way, get super fit while you're at it, you'd be surprised how far that can go to making you look a good catch.

Would you be willing to expand on, and share with us the issues alluded to in the above quote?


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> Would you be willing to expand on, and share with us the issues alluded to in the above quote?



Thanks MT for responding...
there were so many little things.. over the years resentment built up and sometimes my bitterness would come out in harsh words... Sometimes even though all was ok with my tone of voice would be enough to set her off and eventually start a argument.. She said whenever we talked I sounded so angry and that was the case sometimes but the majority it wasnt.. I dont know I have tried to be more calm in delaing with her and she even made the comment again.."you will never change"
I had a bad habit of saying something and then realizing right away it was the wrong thing to say.. I would usually follow up with "well thats not what I meant".. It was those type of things that were a major problem.

She was very controlling in our marriage and i guess over the years I became a doormat for the sake of not fighting or starting an argument... many little things like that eventually caused the issues we now have.

I will give her the room she requested and hopefully she will see a change.. we havent had much interaction but when we do see each other she is often kind to me and does show concern.. whether thats her guilt or actual concern I dont know.
thanks again... I haven't totaly given up hope.... its not over until the papers are signed....


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

skinman-

Play for time.

Also remember there are going to be days when she throws $%^& in your face. Be ready to not react. Think of the big picture.


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> skinman-
> 
> Play for time.
> 
> Also remember there are going to be days when she throws $%^& in your face. Be ready to not react. Think of the big picture.


Thanks... I guess thats about all I can do at this point... I didnt want this she did.... So it will have to be her who decides that she still wants to try. at this point thats not even an option....all I have is time...


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

A little update this week has been my best since this was all thrown in my face. I haven't spoken with the ex all week. Thoughts or her have been to a minimum which is a great feeling. I am almost to the point where I dont care what she is doing or whom she may be seeing. It feels so good to be in this place that I am right now... I still love my wife very much and know that there will always be a special place in my heart for her. Thats why I have to let her go and find whatever she needs to make herself happy. I know there will be days that I have to see her and interact with her but hopefully I will show much strength and indifference.. She wanted this and she has gotten it. I have signed myself up for a ballroom dance class... So when I am done I will be able to shake a leg with some of the best....  lol.. well more like I wont look like a fool...

I have learned quite a bit about myself during this almost 3 months.. I learned that I needed to be more independent in my life I did everything for my family I lost sight of who I really was. I was a father first and husband second... never caring about what I felt or did as long as it was for my family. Now I know I need to make myself happy... It has been hard for me to think of myself when that seemed so against my nature I took care of others before myself. Now that I am alone I feel I can be happy again and I know one day I just might want to share my life with someone else... Right now there are so many things and places that I plan on seeing and doing I am excited about what my future may hold....


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## blind (Jan 17, 2008)

skinman - good to read that you are getting back on your feet and grounded. I knew from my own experiences that you would begin feeling better in time. Keep us posted on how things are going for you. Have fun with the ballroom dancing. It is nice to have things to look forward to and this can continue to do wonders for your emotional wellbeing and confidence. Don't be surprised if you hit some emotional speed bumps from time to time. It will likely happen, but find comfort in knowing that the down times get fewer and farther between. You'll also find that you will recover much quicker than before. I know I've told you this in the past, but you aren't being selfish in improving yourself, moving on, and finding some happiness. I'm glad you are seeing this too. You'll make someone a good companion someday. Keep up the good work and best of luck in your endeavors. Take care.

Blind


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

blind said:


> skinman - good to read that you are getting back on your feet and grounded. I knew from my own experiences that you would begin feeling better in time. Keep us posted on how things are going for you. Have fun with the ballroom dancing. It is nice to have things to look forward to and this can continue to do wonders for your emotional wellbeing and confidence. Don't be surprised if you hit some emotional speed bumps from time to time. It will likely happen, but find comfort in knowing that the down times get fewer and farther between. You'll also find that you will recover much quicker than before. I know I've told you this in the past, but you aren't being selfish in improving yourself, moving on, and finding some happiness. I'm glad you are seeing this too. You'll make someone a good companion someday. Keep up the good work and best of luck in your endeavors. Take care.
> 
> Blind



thanks Blind,
yesterday she tried to have it out with me when I picked up my daughter... she is making my life miserable... every chance she gets she tries to start something.... its getting to the point these past few days I haven't even wanted to see my daughter.. she did the same thing to her first husband..... he eventually quit coming around.. she is so filled with hate and rage towards me its amazing she hasnt had a heart attack !!!

I was doing good but her threats and nastiness towards me are taking there toll..... how can someone who loved you more than anything at one time want to break you down so far that you cant get back up..... She is determined to destroy any self esteem I have left !!


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

Sorry your ex is giving you a hard time and im sure it takes its toll on you ,but dont stop contact with your daughter because of it ,just simply tell your ex that your not going to argue with her and go.
Is there someone who could collect your daughter for you?
Its alost like she cant bear to see you move on and not want her !! keep strong skin you so deserve to be happy and loved good luck


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## blind (Jan 17, 2008)

I agree with mommy22 and humpty dumpty. Also, you need to be careful with the situation right now. You must continue contact with your daughter. Right now, whether you realize it or not, the status quo for visitation is being established. You need to see your daughter as often as possible. Keep a record or journal of all contact. Also document any occasion she keeps you from seeing your children. Finally, you may need to consider picking up and dropping off your children in a public place with a witness. It may keep her in check and also provides a witness if she later makes some up some lie about how you treat her during child exchanges. Just some food for thought.

If this is the direction things are headed, and it seems they are, you need to be proactive in protecting you and your daughter.

Blind.


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

blind said:


> I agree with mommy22 and humpty dumpty. Also, you need to be careful with the situation right now. You must continue contact with your daughter. Right now, whether you realize it or not, the status quo for visitation is being established. You need to see your daughter as often as possible. Keep a record or journal of all contact. Also document any occasion she keeps you from seeing your children. Finally, you may need to consider picking up and dropping off your children in a public place with a witness. It may keep her in check and also provides a witness if she later makes some up some lie about how you treat her during child exchanges. Just some food for thought.
> 
> If this is the direction things are headed, and it seems they are, you need to be proactive in protecting you and your daughter.
> 
> Blind.



i have kept a journal the entire time we have been going through this marking down w\every visit that she takes with me.. I learned the first time around to have one just in case.. I realize she is trying to get me to make a mistake.. but yesterday she wouldn't allow my daughter to come out until after she aired her to cents.... 2 days of the week i pick her up after practice.. its on the weekends that i have to see her i even tried to have my daughter ready and meet me outside but she headed her off...until she could "talk" with me


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

your doing all the right things maintaining contact keeping a journal.
I think you should try to take a friend along for support when you pick your daughter up, or ask your ex to talk when the children wernt about as you dont want to upset them any futher . Its hard but be sure your doing the right thing by not arguing with her .


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

mommy22 said:


> Have you made this a legal separation yet? If not, it's time to sit down and have someone draw up a separation agreement. There need to be some terms.
> 
> She has no right to withhold your daughter until she's vented. If it's on your visitation time, she's breaking the agreement.


In Virginia its not necessary to have a legal separation.. we have been trying to do the divorce ourselves to save on money. she has been good until this weekend about me taking her whenever i wanted to ... it was like she had a wild hair or something... she was pissed about something i said to my daughter about her not wanting to come over.. I told her i understood and as she gets older she will want to spend more time with friends than with good ole dad... but her interpretation must have been different when she told the ex... she said i was trying to guilt her into visitation... which wasnt the case but the ex wouldn't hear otherwise.... 

she did the same thing to her first husband.... she is a vindictive woman....


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

humpty dumpty said:


> your doing all the right things maintaining contact keeping a journal.
> I think you should try to take a friend along for support when you pick your daughter up, or ask your ex to talk when the children wernt about as you dont want to upset them any futher . Its hard but be sure your doing the right thing by not arguing with her .


LOL... well with her thats easier said then done... i even told her I wasnt going to argue and she still kept it up.... Nest time I will keep quiet and say " I Understand " over and over until she gets tired of talking.... i dont want to end up hating this woman who I have loved more than anything...... but sadly she is not the same woman i fell in love with........


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

mommy22 said:


> It needs to be as civil as possible for your daughter's sake.


Well up until this point it has been and she even had my daughter stay in the house while she spoke with me... I dont know.. its so hard trying to do the right thing and putting up with the crap she has to say to me.... She wanted out and i told her i have accepted that but she still feels compelled to make me miserable.... The hatred and bitterness ooze from her its amazing that she hasn't suffered some kind of breakdown and over nothing that I have done..... the guilt must be eating her up inside to do this to someone she used to love !!


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Whomever said this is a rollercoaster ride sure knew what they were talking about..the past few days have been good...Tonight is a different story. I go out with a old friend and have a few beers and it brings her back.. She is right with me now and the thoughts wont go away. the wondering and regrets that have filled my mind for the past 3 months have all returned.. It seems just when you think your getting stronger and moving forward somethings triggers a memory... a thought that you havent brought to the surface in years will return at the worse moment... You wonder does she have them to ? How after so many years can you be forgotten like that.. tossed aside like a walmart bag. treated like you were less than human... How can someone who supposedly loved you do that...

Since this all started I have never said one thing to hurt my Ex.'s feelings.. never once have I tried to hurt her like she has hurt me... Why because I have a heart.. I dont want to become like her but I am finding it hard not to... I am not a hating person but I hate now.. I hate what she has done to me, to our family and for what ? the unknown... greener grass... 2 years ago tonight my mom passed, I wish I had her still to talk with ... she would have made me feel better about whats going on but I dont, all I can talk with now is headstone... She still hears me but cant answer.. I know she's with me but I cant feel her..... 

The sad thing is my ex. has a mother still alive but she wont see her and hasnt in a while...She has written her off like she has me... I cant wait for the day that I will feel no pain and sorrow for her... When a thought will cross my mind and no reaction will be felt... Then I will know that I am healed... Lord give me the strength and wisdom that I need....


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

skinman said:


> It seems just when you think your getting stronger and moving forward somethings triggers a memory... a thought that you havent brought to the surface in years will return at the worse moment...


This is a good sign, it shows that you are processing the situation. You need to just let it wash over you, without judging the thoughts. You will probably end up feeling all sorts of things, including feeling like you have been a chump.


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

mommy22 said:


> I just uttered the phrase that "life is a roller coaster ride" yesterday!
> It's so true. Things can be rough one minute and great the next and vice versa. There are no guarantees.
> 
> I took a sociology class in college years ago on death and dying and the stages we go through. I really feel like the stages are the same in separation and divorce--shock, denial...... but eventually, acceptance. It will come. In the meantime, do what MT said-- go with it. Don't fight it. Keep on venting here. We're wanting to help you regain strength.


Thanks M22,

sadly I just found out that my mother inlaw passed away last night.. what are the odds of that happening both of our parents passing on the same day... She was pretty distant when we spoke. I told her I was sorry for her loss and to let me know if I could do anything for her.. I hated to offer that with all thats happened but I thought it was the right thing to do even if she doesnt accept my help.

I know today I have felt good.. the dreams returned last night and i have been up since 2 am but the thoughts have become less and less... I still miss her though  ... well I miss the old wife not the one that i know now........

I dont fight the thoughts... some are good memories and some aren't for the most part its more wondering.... how could she ? type things I have been trying to keep those to a minimum....works wometomes doesnt others...


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## husbandinthemking (Oct 3, 2008)

skinman said:


> Yesterday i received an email from my wife we have been separated for 2 weeks now. Well in her email she stated that I should move on that no matter what I did to make myself better that her feelings for me would never change and that it was over. She said the she didn't want a relationship with me or anyone else. So in your all opinion does it sound like she has made up her mind and is moving on in her life without me ? or do you think maybe she is confused and need time to sort out her feelings..
> 
> any thoughts are appreciated


Sounded like my old situation. 
The fact is, she found someone else. It's true. You didn't give her the emotional support she needed and someone else did. Sorry.

Check out zaxxes.com if you want some help. They helped me bigtime. Good luck.


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## Sprite (Nov 3, 2008)

Skin, I'm glad to hear you are trying to move on, but I am sorry she is not making it any easier on you. Maybe instead of thinking "how could she?" turn it around and let it help you realize that she is not the type of person you want to be your life partner.

Next time you think "how could she", remember that she is NOT the same person you married. Let it remind you that you don't want to be with someone who can be so vendictive and mean.

Next time she insists on ranting before she allows you to take the children for the day.....simply look at her and ask her "are you done now?", and walk away. It sounds to me like she does not like seeing you strong for yourself. She wants you to keep dwelling on it. She can not stand the fact that you are trying to move on withOUT her and it is probably playing on her ego at this point. Don't let it effect you in a bad way. Ask yourself....if you knew she was capable of putting this much hurt on you...would you have ever married her in the first place?


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Sprite said:


> Skin, I'm glad to hear you are trying to move on, but I am sorry she is not making it any easier on you. Maybe instead of thinking "how could she?" turn it around and let it help you realize that she is not the type of person you want to be your life partner.
> 
> Next time you think "how could she", remember that she is NOT the same person you married. Let it remind you that you don't want to be with someone who can be so vendictive and mean.
> 
> Next time she insists on ranting before she allows you to take the children for the day.....simply look at her and ask her "are you done now?", and walk away. It sounds to me like she does not like seeing you strong for yourself. She wants you to keep dwelling on it. She can not stand the fact that you are trying to move on withOUT her and it is probably playing on her ego at this point. Don't let it effect you in a bad way. Ask yourself....if you knew she was capable of putting this much hurt on you...would you have ever married her in the first place?


Thank You Sprite...
and your right If I knew she could be like this I never would have married her... The past few days have been difficult yesterday was my MIL funeral so I had to spend a couple hours in her company... The really sad part was that after I hugged and said I was sorry she could have cared less that I was there... I was like a ghost after all these years.... The nice part was that her family was very suppotive of me and a few even said they were upset with her for what she has done...

They said no matter what they still want me a part of thier family... That made me feel good...I watched her throughout the services at one point she wasa hanging with her 4 or 5 divorced friends... they wer laughing and carrying on whileeveryone else was sad.... That righ there showed me how heartless and uncaring she can be.... to think I loved this woman more than anything it still hurts......


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## husbandinthemking (Oct 3, 2008)

skinman said:


> Thank You Sprite...
> and your right If I knew she could be like this I never would have married her... The past few days have been difficult yesterday was my MIL funeral so I had to spend a couple hours in her company... The really sad part was that after I hugged and said I was sorry she could have cared less that I was there... I was like a ghost after all these years.... The nice part was that her family was very suppotive of me and a few even said they were upset with her for what she has done...
> 
> They said no matter what they still want me a part of thier family... That made me feel good...I watched her throughout the services at one point she wasa hanging with her 4 or 5 divorced friends... they wer laughing and carrying on whileeveryone else was sad.... That righ there showed me how heartless and uncaring she can be.... to think I loved this woman more than anything it still hurts......


Funny thing is she feels like the victim. Yep. It's true.


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## Sprite (Nov 3, 2008)

Love makes you blind to some aspects of a persons being and behavior. At one point, you didn't want to see her true side that she seems to be showing now.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

skinman-

I think you are handling this exactly right. Just keep being ultra cool with her whenever you have to see her. She will eventually crack. It reminds me of this little number:


Romans 12:20-21

"If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head."


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Sprite said:


> Love makes you blind to some aspects of a persons being and behavior. At one point, you didn't want to see her true side that she seems to be showing now.


Well to be honest I always knew it was there... I knew that if ever got to this point of divorce she would make my life H##L and she has...Even in the beginning of our marriage... I guess I always had hoped it would be different that she loved me as much as I loved her... maybe at one point she did... I dont know but tehre were signs even when we dated 25 years ago... at one point she tried to extort 500$ from me for a fake abortion...its funny how you foget all that stuff when your in love.....


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

skinman said:


> at one point she tried to extort 500$ from me for a fake abortion...its funny how you foget all that stuff when your in love.....


She did what???


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> She did what???



Yes can you belive that !!! Damn you would have thought that I would have seen that big sign right there...She told me she was pregnant and wanted me to pay for it to be taken care of.....

I guess you forget about these things over time..


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

TOTALLY SHOCKING !! WOW how on earth do you forget that ?


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

humpty dumpty said:


> TOTALLY SHOCKING !! WOW how on earth do you forget that ?



 well thats a good Question HD.. I guess it had been over 10 years since that had happened when we got back together.. I remembered years later and used to laugh about it...... I guess she's the one laughing now....

You all know the more we talk about these seemingly little things the more I realize that in the long run I will most likely be much better off....Its hard to see that now but its getting clearer that she just wasn't a very nice person... Very spitefull and bitter not only towards me but a great number of people..
Like Sprite had said sometimes love is blind to the true person..

This time next year I will be coming on here and thanking you all for opening my eyes that Life indeed continues and continues even better than before.. I start my dance class tomorrow which should be interesting... I made a list of goals the other night of things I want to accomplish in the short term like quitting smoking exercising more and the long term.. Going to Mexico and seeing the Inca ruins, mountain biking in the Maob desert of Utah to name a few.. Things I never would have been able to do with the woman i had in my life....


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

mommy22 said:


> Well that should alleviate any guilt you've been feeling to this point. Her cold demeanor hopefully helps you to realize that this is her, not you. Unfortunately, people like that are NEVER truly happy. I'm glad her family realizes what a good guy you are. I'm sure they're disappointed in her choices.


They are M22,
they said they were surprised and hurt by her actions towards me.. I mentioned the other guy and they said they didnt know but they had suspected.. It made me feel good knowing that they still cared. Her uncle that lives in Hawaii said I was welcome anytine i wanted to visit no matter how the ex felt about it.. It does ease some of the guilt I have felt but to be honest after all of this I still care for her... hopefully soon that will not be the case but as of now it is.. You would think you could only take so much abuse before you quit caring... I guess I am not to that point yet..... hopefully soon..


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

My mouth has dropped open in astonishment. You were obviously a very very passive guy. 

It's great to hear about all those activities you are planning. You will be a much more rounded out person by this time next year.


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> My mouth has dropped open in astonishment. You were obviously a very very passive guy.
> 
> It's great to hear about all those activities you are planning. You will be a much more rounded out person by this time next year.



MT 

for the most part I guess i was.. I went along doing what a father and husband did without much complaint.. I almsot never got into an argument with my wife or at least started any of them.. I went along with whatever she and my girls wanted... there were times when i felt strong enought about something to argue my case but for the most part I went along with the majority... Living in a housefull of girls at times i felt outnumbered and my opinion didnt matter...

So if what your saying nicely was I a doormat........ YES !! So in a sense I guess my wife could have lost respect for me for not standing up for myself more but usually the things i felt weren't worth arguing about....... I thought they would appreciate a hard working father who was always there for them, provided for them and fought for them when needed....

I dont think I was soft my any measure... In this time i have read quite a bit about relationships and stuff and what to do and not to do.. Maybe next time I will make better choices in my mate...... If not i will have one heck of a time making ME... happy !


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

look for you positive future dont keep looking back you deserve so much more  keep happy one day you will look back and think how on earth did i put up with that!!! you deserve to be loved and know what real love feels like good luck


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

humpty dumpty said:


> look for you positive future dont keep looking back you deserve so much more  keep happy one day you will look back and think how on earth did i put up with that!!! you deserve to be loved and know what real love feels like good luck


Thanks HD 

I am trying my hardest to look forward and quit dwelling on the past but I find it difficult to do sometimes.... There are time when I wonder if I could have done more and been a better husband listened to her and not just hear her... I guess there will always be those regrets. Did I try hard enough for my girls ? those questions haunt me now and maybe oneday they wont matter but presently they are always with me... I know she was the one that gave up and sought out someone else but did I push her away ? I would like to think that no matter what I did or didnt do that is still no excuse to cheat on the one you "supposedly" love....

I would like to think that maybe one day she will realize just what she lost and how much I truly loved her... I want her to admit that it wasnt all me... that everything wasnt my fault like she has said... thats most likely wishfull thinking on my part but I would still like to hear that.........if nothing else I know it wasnt all me..


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

Don't blame yourself no ones marriage is without fault , we could always do better and with hindsight we all probably would . what matters now is how you lead the rest of you life and how you make the time spent with your girls happy and positive.one step at a time will lead to leaps


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Its hard not to blame myself... I know there were issues I left unaddressed and if taken care of I might not be in this situation.. What hurts the most is I wasnt given a chance before she looked elsewhere... Thats what I am struggling with knowing that she didnt care enough to want to try after all these years together... To put our children through this for her selfishness... only thinking of herself..It hurts knowing that she would rather be with the unknown of this other guy than with someone she has known for almost 25 years....

I just dont know why I still care for her and how to let her go.. even after all she has said and done to me I find it difficult to hate her..... If I could only be more like her in those regards....


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## Kiwi (Jan 28, 2009)

Mate, im in a similar position. Like you i love my wife more than anything, she said to me 'i really love you, but i cant stay in a relationship with you' 3 nights ago we had dinner togeather, i cooked a picnic dinner and we had it by the river, i got lots of mixed messages that night as we kissed and hugged.....but the magic is, im staying positive and im the keeper of the flame, still early days yet but you and i HAVE to stay focused and positive in what we want and i believe it only has to take one in the relationship to make it happen and then something better,bigger and wonderful will happen.....you and i have to beleive that!!!!!!
Hang in there buddy ...say a prayer for me and ill do the same for you.....good luck!


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Kiwi said:


> Mate, im in a similar position. Like you i love my wife more than anything, she said to me 'i really love you, but i cant stay in a relationship with you' 3 nights ago we had dinner togeather, i cooked a picnic dinner and we had it by the river, i got lots of mixed messages that night as we kissed and hugged.....but the magic is, im staying positive and im the keeper of the flame, still early days yet but you and i HAVE to stay focused and positive in what we want and i believe it only has to take one in the relationship to make it happen and then something better,bigger and wonderful will happen.....you and i have to beleive that!!!!!!
> Hang in there buddy ...say a prayer for me and ill do the same for you.....good luck!


Thanks Kiwi,

I wish you the best as well my friend and consider your prayer request answered........


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## Sprite (Nov 3, 2008)

Skin, you don't want to be like her in those regards..that is part of what makes you a better person.

Those plans you have sound exciting and fun, and you can use that! I wish you the best of luck!


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Sprite said:


> Skin, you don't want to be like her in those regards..that is part of what makes you a better person.
> 
> Those plans you have sound exciting and fun, and you can use that! I wish you the best of luck!


Thank you Sprite 
and your right i dont want to be that way at all.. It just seems so easy for her to ne hatefull and bitter and her life seems fine while doing it.. try and be optimistic about my future but it is tough sometimes trying to stay out of the past.. I miss what I had I guess I miss my wife still as hard as I try not to think of her she is still with me.. always something will bring her back into my thoughts as hard as i try.........


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## Sprite (Nov 3, 2008)

Thoughts of her will always be with you no matter what happens in your life because she meant so much to you. But, she doesn't deserve you in my opinion.

She will have to live with her decisions through out the rest of her life, and one day her cold and bitter attitude will have to be answered for.


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Sprite said:


> Thoughts of her will always be with you no matter what happens in your life because she meant so much to you. But, she doesn't deserve you in my opinion.
> 
> She will have to live with her decisions through out the rest of her life, and one day her cold and bitter attitude will have to be answered for.



Thank you Sprite.....
Sadly I know...at this point she doesnt deserve to be remembered...we spoke last night and she was filled with so much hate for me and bitterness... it broke my heart to think I have loved this woman who is making my life miserable and knowing that she is taking pleasure in causing someone she loved at one time so much pain... I dont understand how someone could do that to another person and not feel bad......



She was so heartless last night telling me how much she has hated me and could care less how I felt about her... I wonder how I went so wrong with her in the end I know we will hate each other.... she is leaving me know other option I never wanted to hate her or never thought I would..........


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

You know I believe my ex may be losing it... Sunday night she couldn't quit telling me how much she hated me and thought I was a real loser in so many nice words.... Well yesterday I picked up a couple cats that we had that she wanted to get rid of... So I stopped by to get them only hoping to stay for a few minutes avoid her and get on my way home....... Well she was waiting for me with my daughter...... I walked in got one of the cat carriers and took it to my car.. not saying anything to her but being friendly ... well she asked me if I was coming to a party on saturday.. I said No I wont be coming..... She looked stunned and hurt by my comment and asked whats wrong now ??? I told her I just didnt want to come... so she proceeded to ask how my day at work went.... she hasnt asked about me or my work in months... 

I was thinking to myself .. I cannot believe this woman who was cussing me up and down 12 hours before but is now acting like nothing ever happened like she never said all those hatefull adnd hurtfull words to me......... I finished getting my stuff and kissed my daughter goodbye... as I walked out she said bye... I shut the door and kept going......

I think after Sunday night and really seeing how heartless and cold my wife is i think I can finally let go..... I saw her for what she is and its not someone I care to have in my life.....


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

skinman-

Interesting post. Now here is a crazy crazy idea for you.

If you act more and more distant, she might just beg you to get back together.

If you ever do, you must insist on certain terms, on how she treats you, how much intimacy etc. and tell her that if she ever treats you bad again you will call it a day for good.

Of course this could be some months down the road, but i can well see it coming. However, your life would probably be easier without her unless she has a huge epiphany and realises how self-centred she is.

I have a female friend who has been a friend since I was 7. I had to totally drop her a few years ago because her selfishness knew no bounds, and I just did not want it in my life. She did not particularly give me a hard time, it was what she was doing with others. It broke my heart in a way because when I was 16 and crying my eyes out, she was there for me. But I have a wife for that now. In fact, I have dropped a few people in the last few years - it's like the penny finally dropped, I don't have to hit my head against a brick wall. Another guy saw my brightness and wanted to use me. A friend for 20 years. It was my wife who told me just to drop him, after I repeatedly complained. It's nice when it stops.

I'm not saying you should not take her back, I'm just saying, know what you are dealing with. "The truth shall set you free".

With your particular wife, the firmer and tougher you are, the more she will respect you. Some men just don't get it. Women like tough guys. Deal with it


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Thanks Mt,

at this point I am not sure what I would do if that was the case... She has said so many hurtfull things that I could forgive her for but dont believe I could ever forget...... At this point I am done and moving forward.... She knows how I feel about her and thats it.... Time for me to make myself happy and find some things I ennjoy doing..... 

If that time ever comes I will cross that bridge when I get there... I will not hold my breath though.......  I appreciate your response..........


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

mommy22 said:


> To be completely honest, she sounds like she's gone off the deep end. She's allowed her life to go into a tailspin right now. I hope for the sake of everyone in her life, she gets it together.



Thanks M22,

funny you say that she was telling me how happy is she without me in her life.. how much all her friends love her and think she is so personable with people...  I think its a fantasy land that she has created for herself ... Its ok though as long as I can stay out of her world I will end up much happier in the long run...........


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Thanks M22...

I hope to find that inner peace soon myself.. I am tired of having a broken heart and her being so uncaring during all of this....Found out she had company late last night at the house....While my daughters were there?? not sure if I should say something or what ?? it really hurts me and pisses me off....


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

skin,
i made a decision a long time ago that if there was evidence of a current "love affair" then i would count my efforts as over...it's just to emotionally hard to give the kind of effort that it takes with that being present. to this point i have found nothing of the kind, so i continue trying to patch ours up...

you, howver, have plenty of evidence, including her admittance...

there is nothing wrong with "cashing out"...you have made incredible efforts...dare i say it more than she deserves...seeing a life love or soul mate doing these things breaks my heart...but you are punishing yourself...your scenario cries out for a hard stand and an ultimatum...you can hold your head high and say "i've done everything i can"


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Thanks Voivod...

It breaks my heart to friend... someone I have lover most of my life could do this to me and my family is unforgiveable....I haven't wanted to give up and admit that it is over but I believe that I am only hurting myself by hanging on further.... I wish you luck friend !! stay strong and God Bless.

Skin.......


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## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

Hey Skinman, I feel for ya man I really do. Go see an attorney and get the ball rolling, You are going to drive yourself crazy if you don't get out of this. She has no respect for you or those kids if she is bringing other men into that home. Get all the proof you can, let the lawyer do his job and try like hell to get costody of your children. You and your kids deserve better than what you are receiving and in my opinion it's time you start having a life without pain, you've tried my friend so have no guilt and hold your head up high. Best of luck to ya!


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## cam2468 (Feb 3, 2009)

skinman said:


> Yesterday i received an email from my wife we have been separated for 2 weeks now. Well in her email she stated that I should move on that no matter what I did to make myself better that her feelings for me would never change and that it was over. She said the she didn't want a relationship with me or anyone else. So in your all opinion does it sound like she has made up her mind and is moving on in her life without me ? or do you think maybe she is confused and need time to sort out her feelings..
> 
> any thoughts are appreciated


I am separated for four weeks and though our situation is different I still believe that our wives need time to heal. I think that if we are realistic about our situations, then we can but love them and give them any support knowing that they need to find happiness and peace within themselves. It is very tough and emotionally draining but never give up hope.

Cam.


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

cam2468 said:


> I am separated for four weeks and though our situation is different I still believe that our wives need time to heal. I think that if we are realistic about our situations, then we can but love them and give them any support knowing that they need to find happiness and peace within themselves. It is very tough and emotionally draining but never give up hope.
> 
> Cam.


Thanks Cam....

I have held out hope all along friend... I have given my wife everything that she has wanted only to have it thrown back into my face. I still love my wife dearly and never wanted any of this... She feels that she will be happier alone of with someone else so all I can do is wish her well... I often wonder what crossed her mind to put her in the place she now finds herself... We had a happy life nice home, our kids were good and respectfull... Now that has all changed along with her. She is no longer the woman I fell in love with, looks and sounds just like her but its not... The woman I married had a heart at one time and would do things for people.. the woman I know now is heartless and cold inside..... She has taken pride in the fact that she has brought me to my knees at times gloating on how much better her life is now than when we were together.......

Its ok.... I know oneday her fantasy will all come tumbling down around her and we'll see who ends up doing better in life. She has not done one thing to better herself throughout this ordeal... She has blamed me for everything and anything... I know it wasnt me and maybe one day in the future she will see that... I wont be around waiting for her though... there are so many other deserving women out there who would love to have a man like me at their side, its just finding the right one.. I thought I had found the right one..... Sadly I was so wrong....


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Well I started my Ballroom dance class last night... I have to say felt pretty damn awkward standing alone while everyone else were in couples.... Made me miss what I have lost so much more.... I thought about how me and my stbxw had always wanted to learn to dance which made me sad missing her and knowing that she should have been with me....It was nice getting out of the house and laughing for a little while I guess I will go back next week and give it another try... Who knows what may become of my new hobby......  Probably nothing..

Other than that same ole routine..Trying to keep my thoughts to a minimum... some days are better than others but for the most part its getting easier to let go and see her for what she is now and not what she was... Its sad to see how much she has changed in the past 3 months from such a loving person to a cold heartless woman... I feel for her some days but in the end I know I will be much better off emotionally and hopefully spiritually..... She has done nothing to improve herself.... she has said her life is so much better now that when I was ever in it..... That hurt to hear but a part of me believes she only said it to do just that to hurt me........I know its not true but it still hurt after so many years.... It makes me wonder if she really is........


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

skinman said:


> Its sad to see how much she has changed in the past 3 months from such a loving person to a cold heartless woman...


People rarely change. It's simply that she is expressing a part of herself that was always there. We all have a dark side of some kind or other. The dark side when tamed can give us backbone and nerve. When it runs the whole show, it's ugly.

By the same token, the rose tinted glasses have come off your eyes, and you are seeing her more clearly. But in time you will probably see her in yet another way. Such is the kaleidoscope of perception. It's all shifting sands don't ya know?


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

congratulations  im so glad your doing something for you ! keep it up and im sure you will be able to relaxs and enjoy more as you get to meet new people.

Im sure your ex is having a bad time ! why else would she try to convince you that shes so much better now .

next time she tells you that just smile and say how pleased you are for her.
keep up with the going out im sure you will find everyday will become easier. good luck


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> People rarely change. It's simply that she is expressing a part of herself that was always there. We all have a dark side of some kind or other. The dark side when tamed can give us backbone and nerve. When it runs the whole show, it's ugly.
> 
> By the same token, the rose tinted glasses have come off your eyes, and you are seeing her more clearly. But in time you will probably see her in yet another way. Such is the kaleidoscope of perception. It's all shifting sands don't ya know?


Thanks Mt,

you know your probably right about it always being there... I guess when you love someone so much you tend to overlook all the bad parts of them.. I always knew she had anger issues and bitterness from way back... But there was also the good parts of her that I fell in love with... Those parts I see so rarely now if at all....


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Tomorrow will be a real test for me... I have been invited to my stepdaughters birthday dinner with the Ex. and my family.... I have had minimal contact with her in the past week since she blew up at me.... hopefully I will be strong and show her that she no longer matters in my life.. It will be hard to say the least because I think deep down she still knows how much I care.

I want to be strong and confident tomorrow and let her see me in a light that she hasnt in sometime.... Hopefully I can pull it off and wont make a fool of myself........ any suggestions would be appreciated........ Wish me luck and much strength because I will need it.........


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## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

Hey Skinman, keep your head up high and a smile on your face. Be nice and friendly to everyone and she'll wonder what the hell your up to. Leave a few minutes earlier than the rest of the crowd and when she asks why your leaving tell her you have plans. Let her see you are moving on with your life. After the party go have a drink and be social, meet some new people, maybe go dancing. There is a whole lot of life out there to live so go to!


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

sirch said:


> Hey Skinman, keep your head up high and a smile on your face. Be nice and friendly to everyone and she'll wonder what the hell your up to. Leave a few minutes earlier than the rest of the crowd and when she asks why your leaving tell her you have plans. Let her see you are moving on with your life. After the party go have a drink and be social, meet some new people, maybe go dancing. There is a whole lot of life out there to live so go to!



Sirch,
good idea but I will be taking my youngest with me when I leave... so she will know that I dont have any plans 
but as for the smiling and acting happy... thats a given Friend !!


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

mommy22 said:


> IMHO, I would keep the focus on your stepdaughter. It's her birthday after all. You don't have to be rude, but you don't have to even acknowledge your wife's presence either. I probably wouldn't speak unless spoken to. I agree with Sirch. Even if you don't feel cool and collected on the inside, try to make it appear that way. Try to keep yourself in the mindset of what the occasion is about. Her presence there is nothing more than background-- much like the coffee table in the middle of the room.



Thanks M22,
I appreciate your response... I think tomorrow is going to be just fine.. I plan on getting some flowers and a card for her.. I will only speak to if spoken to... For the most part I will concentrate on my girls... The stbxw is no longer worth a thought these days !!


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Well I went to my stepdaughters birthday party on Saturday.. Surprisingly everything went smooth..... The anxiety was there but I was determined to enjoy myself....I only spoke with my stbxw a few times when she asked a couple questions....I must say it was pretty awkward sitting 5 feet from someone whom I have loved for almost 16 years and not speaking with her... the temptation was so great to just reach out and want to hug and hold her... I miss talking with her but lately there hasn't been much talking between us mostly confrontations intiated on her part..... It was sad to think this is what our futute is going to be like... two people that know so much about each other yet not saying anything other than pleasantries.... 

Despite all that has happened I still care very much for my wife...its getting easier to be apart from her knowing she is with someone else... I hope in time it will be so much easier on me.. I still think of her often and wonder if she thinks of me... hopefully soon the thoughts of her will be less and less....


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

mommy22 said:


> I'm glad things went okay, Skinman. Those are high anxiety situations. Sounds like you handled it well.


thanks 
I think I did pretty well... considering how bad I wanted to open up to her and talk.... It was hard sitting so close yet feeling so far away at the same time......  it almost felt like 2 total strangers....... It hurt knowing this is our future.........


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## Sprite (Nov 3, 2008)

Grats on a situation well handled! How did the rest of the family respond? I am assuming there were more people there than just you guys. I really hope they all talked to you and there wasn't a bunch of tension in the air. Just remember that you were not the only one that probably felt uncomfortable, and the rest of the guests that know what is going on between you and stbxw were probably on edge. It will get easier with time, and as long as the rest of the family and friends are supportive, you will be fine.

My brother in law went through a divorce this past year and let me tell you, it tore this family apart. Not because his own family was supportive of him....they were making an attempt to support his stbxw....they made him feel like an outsider and an outcast at his own family functions. That is sad and has pissed me off to no end that I have not talked to his mother or sister(they were the culprits in feading his stbxw's head full of CRAP and bad advice) in about a year. Anyways, it could be much worse...I am just hoping your family and friends are not doing this to you!

Find the friends and family members that are going to be supportive and stick with them! 

And even tho you may not have plans when you leave a function like that, you should still play it up like you do. Your daughter doesn't know any different...just take her to the park or shopping or something before you go home....those were your plans 

I am so glad to hear you are coming to terms with this and I truely wish you the best of luck!!!!


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Thank you Sprite...
to be honest it was difficult for me....here I was sitting a few feet from the woman I care so much about and not being able to really talk with her.. I wanted so bad to ask her hows she has been ? how the dog is and every little details of her life that I am not a part of anymore... I hope your right that it will get easier in time.. I showed her a good part of me not the bitter clingy man she has seen in the past... It was hard but I think I have gotten closer to accepting that my marriage is indeed over... Even though thats not what I want I cant make her care for me or even want me in her life....

Maybe one day I will find someone else to be a part of my life but at the moment thats the farthest thing from my mind... I need to make myself happy.. I have spent almost 16 years taking care of everyone in my family but me... Its my turn now to do things that I enjoy.... I will always care for my stbxw and wish her the best........ I also hope that one day she realizes just what and who she gave up....


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

I have to say this whole ride of emotions and feelings sucks... I dropped off my daughter last night to find that my stbxw was out with her new man.... Just when you think that you are feeling better and have accepted things for the way they are it comes back to bite you in the butt.... I have been doing so good but knowing that she was out with him while lying to my daughters really hurts to say the least... 

I pray that this all ends soon and I see her for what she is.... but that has yet to happen no matter what I still feel this need inside to care for her, to miss her and want her back... thats the most difficult thing right now wanting to be with her knowing she has been with someone else... Why cant I see her for the cheating, manipualting woman that she has become....

sadly I dont see that I still see the woman that I fell in love with.......


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

"New man"? Did I miss something? How long has this been going on?


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> "New man"? Did I miss something? How long has this been going on?



well since the begining MT... she has denied it but all the signs are there... I mean new as me being the old........


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

How many months exactly?


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> How many months exactly?



Well we have been separated a little over 3 months now...


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

So you don't think the affair has been going on for longer?


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> So you don't think the affair has been going on for longer?


well to be honest it probably has... she worked nights and it was hard to tell if she was reallys working or not.. I always trusted her and never got on her computer... big mistake looking back now but for the most part it probably was going on under my nose.........


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Well yesterday was a good day for me... I had to speak with the stbxw...  as of late she started in with all her hate and bitterness....I took her edge off and agreed with everything she said... she was surprised....... I stood up to her and told her I was done taking her crap... She threatened me with court... I said fine.. My attorney knows yours I will have him contact him... she got quiet.... She said so you have an attorney.. I said yes I knew how you are and I knew this was going to get ugly and I wanted to make sure I was covered.... She said well you know I dont want to go to court with all of this and I want to work it out between us... She was surprised... 

I then asked about a plane ticket we canceled a while back and told her I needed the number to get a filght...... she asked where are you going ?? i said some place warm... for my 44th birthday...she said who are you going with...?? I said I am going alone...she said well you never do anything alone...I told her I do alot things alone now....needless to say she was pissed........... felt good to stand up to her........I am well on my way


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## Sprite (Nov 3, 2008)

That is totally AWESOME!!!!!!!!


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

mommy22 said:


> Good for you! I'm so glad you called her bluff. She needed to be put in her place in a big way--knocked down a few notches. Keep holding your own. When she sees you standing up for yourself, she'll eventually back down. She doesn't have a leg to stand on in this. The only upper hand she has is manipulation. If you take that away from her, she has nothing!!



It did felt good to hear her back down...she has been in the drivers seat all along.......took some of my power back and she didn't like it.......but thats the way things will be from now on....... no more Mr. Nice Guy ...


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## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

Well Skinman you have been on quite a journey, I hope if I do not get back with my wife I will get to the place that you are at. I would love not feel like I do..

good for you!!


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Sportsman said:


> Well Skinman you have been on quite a journey, I hope if I do not get back with my wife I will get to the place that you are at. I would love not feel like I do..
> 
> good for you!!


Well sportsman...

to be honest I didnt want any of this... I would much rather have my family together spending time like we did.... But sadly it wasn't up to me so I have tried to make the best of it..... Keep the faith friend and I wish you the success that I couldn't obtain in saving my marriage...


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

skinman said:


> It did felt good to hear her back down...she has been in the drivers seat all along.......took some of my power back and she didn't like it.......but thats the way things will be from now on....... no more Mr. Nice Guy ...


Im really pleased for you  im sure things will get a lot easier for you now .
no more mr nice guy ??? i dont think you could be nasty if you tried !
wishing you a great happy future you deserve it


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

mommy22 said:


> :iagree: What is his wife thinking???? Oh, wait a minute--- *SHE'S* *NOT!!*


Thanks M22...

I guess she thinks the new guy is much better than the old one...I just dropped off my daughter and she was out with him again.. Why do I let it bother me, why does it have to hurt so bad knowing she is with him... lying to my girls about what she does and where she goes.. she has no conscience about lying to them and me... Yet I still cant get her off my mind and out of my heart.. Just when you think your doing good something like this happens and it sets me back... I know sleep wont come easy tonight why cant I see her for what she is... a lying cheating POS.... 

but I cant i want to see her hear her voice and talk like we used to .... why cant i find someone to make this all easier to help me forget her and and all the pain she has caused me and my family.....


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## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

skinman said:


> but I cant i want to see her hear her voice and talk like we used to .... why cant i find someone to make this all easier to help me forget her and and all the pain she has caused me and my family.....


I know if I find out my wife is or has been cheating it will cause me to lose a gasket, the only real way I would think to get over someone is to be with somebody else that makes you feel as good as you used to. But of course that is wayyyy easier said then done. Skinman just hold on, I am trying too


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

seriously skinman-

Just think of this other guy as taking her off your hands. He deserves a medal! I still can't get over the "fake abortion" episode!

If you can think of this guy in a positive light, it will show in your eyes.


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> seriously skinman-
> 
> Just think of this other guy as taking her off your hands. He deserves a medal! I still can't get over the "fake abortion" episode!
> 
> If you can think of this guy in a positive light, it will show in your eyes.


Thanks MT...

thats one approach I haven't thought of.  ..I dont hold that against her... She was just a teenager and we all made huge mistakes then....


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Well I just received another email from the stbxw.... after our heated discussion last night I guess she felt the need to clarify things... She said that initially she didnt leave me for someone else..she said she left the marriage because she was unhappy for a long time....I guess this has me wondering... she said that I thought we were happy and I was blind...usually when someone isnt happy you would notice..there would be fights or arguements.... we rarely had those.....  occassionally but not often... for her to be so unhappy for so long and me not recognizing it doesnt say much for me.......

All I ever wanted was for her to be happy and my girls to have a good home.. I thought I provided that... It breaks my heart to hear that she was so unhappy yet never said anything just shutting herself off...I loved my wife with all my heart and to hear how bad I failed her and my girls is tough to take... She admitted that it takes 2 for a marriage to work but I was so blinded and content I never saw it........

So here I am left with the added guilt of knowing there were signs that I missed... warnings that could have prevented me from being in this situation and to have the one I cared for more than anything to hate me is just to much........I have failed my daughters and I failed my wife..........


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

skinman said:


> So here I am left with the added guilt of knowing there were signs that I missed... warnings that could have prevented me from being in this situation and to have the one I cared for more than anything to hate me is just to much........I have failed my daughters and I failed my wife..........


NO...NO...NO!!! 

Do you know what this is really about, Skinman? 

You stood up to her...it made her feel she was losing control of the situation...scared/worried about what you might do/are doing regarding moving on...whether divorce details or moving on personally...it's driving her nuts...It's exactly what she needs right now...to really think about what she is giving up.

Please don't fall for this game...she will know she has you right where she wants you if you cave and apologize and feel like a failure.

You are not a failure...you are like anyone else...we do the best we know how and we all live with hindsight that there are things we might have done differently...but that's to learn going forward, because everything you have done in the past has been based on your love for your family and trying to do right by them...don't base your success on the actions of your stbxw.


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

swedish said:


> You stood up to her...it made her feel she was losing control of the situation...scared/worried about what you might do/are doing regarding moving on...whether divorce details or moving on personally...it's driving her nuts...It's exactly what she needs right now...to really think about what she is giving up.



Well Swedish,
she even told me to move on... said that there was no chance of this relationship working.. or her even wanting it to work.. she said she had given up years ago.. I dont know what she would gain by me not believing this... She doesnt want to try to even make things work.... she is done in her words....


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

swedish said:


> NO...NO...NO!!!
> 
> Do you know what this is really about, Skinman?
> 
> You stood up to her...it made her feel she was losing control of the situation...scared/worried about what you might do/are doing regarding moving on...whether divorce details or moving on personally...it's driving her nuts...It's exactly what she needs right now...to really think about what she is giving up.


Swedish is bang on the money!

stbxw could have told you anytime over the last 16 years how unhappy she was. She does not sound like she is "backward in coming forward" as we say here.

If you had a stronger sense of who you are, you would smell BS when it comes knocking on you door (if I may mix a metaphor or two). This is all about you learning to temper the "nice guy" inside you with the "man of steel" that also needs expression.

Your wife is your teacher. Pray you learn quickly.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I'm not saying she's doing this because she's having second thoughts about reconciling...it's likely because she wants to keep you feeling down and guilty so you don't make the divorce difficult for her...she's using guilt to pacify you.

I'm just saying, don't play that game with her...continue to be strong and indifferent around her and let her be worried what you're up to...she needs to see that when this is final, it's no longer any of her business what you are doing and who you are doing it with...but her catching wind that you are doing things, having your own life will make her think...it may not change the outcome but she will no longer feel she's holding all the cards.


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

swedish said:


> I'm not saying she's doing this because she's having second thoughts about reconciling...it's likely because she wants to keep you feeling down and guilty so you don't make the divorce difficult for her...she's using guilt to pacify you.
> 
> I'm just saying, don't play that game with her...continue to be strong and indifferent around her and let her be worried what you're up to...she needs to see that when this is final, it's no longer any of her business what you are doing and who you are doing it with...but her catching wind that you are doing things, having your own life will make her think...it may not change the outcome but she will no longer feel she's holding all the cards.


 thanks Swedish and MT
I see what you all are getting at.. I need to stand up for what I believe in and not let her think that she is pushing me around and running the show... That was always a problem during the marriage.. I gave in for the peace !! Mr. nice guy... she is worried that I will hire an attorney because her business is slow and she is hurting for money.... Granted I am too but I have a credit card I can max out to hire one.....

thanks you both for your comments........ Hopefully strength will come my way soon and I can move on without her...


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

I wanted to share a Valentines memory of something I did for my stbxw on this day years ago... I knew that she had to pick up our girls at school so I snuck home from work a little early. She had gone by then. I got some red construction paper and cut out 20 or so hearts of various sizes and wrote little sayings of love on each one. I put the biggest one on the steps as you walk into the house telling her to follow the trail of hearts.. As she walked into the house the trail lead her upstairs into our bedroom where I had taken 2 dozen roses and pulled off all the pedals and scattered them on the bed... The last heart she read directed her into the bathroom where I had placed a dozen more roses along with a card and a diamond heart shaped pendant....Needless to say anything I ever did for her on Valentines day after that never was enough...

But at that time she was so happy and surprised by what I had done...She felt so loved that day..... She kept some of the hearts taped to her mirror for years....It makes me wonder if she ever thinks of that today....

I didnt think today would be as hard on me as it is.. I saw my stbxw this morning when I picked up my daughter... I have to say she looked great since we separated she has lost 20 or more lbs and hasnt looked this good since high school...... it hurt even more knowing that when we were together she didnt care enough to exercise or lose the weight for me...


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

I wanted to update everyone on how my past few days have gone...  wonderfull to say the least .. I haven't spoken to the stbxwitch since sunday and I feel great about this NC everyone has been writing about.. I am lucky in the sense that my daughter is old enough and has her own cell that I dont need to talk with the witch... The past couple days I have really started to accept the situation for what it is... My marriage is over... It saddens me that I was the only one trying to save it after almost 16 years together... The witch had given up so easy only thinking of herself and not the impact that this would have on our daughters..... But it is what it is... she has found a new friend and I wish her many more new friends in the years to come...

I dont want to give anyone the wrong impression about me and my marriage.. I know that I wasnt perfect in it and if I could turn back the clock there would have been so many things I would have done differently but I have forgiven myself for doing the best that I could... I will learn from this if nothing else what i need to do next time (if there is ) to show the one I love just how much they mean to me... I did this with my wife but not as often as I should have....but she wasnt perfect either...

I still love my stbxw very much and I know there will be days when she will cross my mind more than ever... those days I will try and look back on all the good things that came out of my time with her... for one my daughter....  she is such a wonderfull girl its hard to believe that she came from her mother... she cares so much for other people and their feelings something she didnt get from the stbxw... must be from my side ...lol 

anyway I have planned a 10 day vacation next month in celebration of my 44th birthday and new found life... I sure hope this optimism I feel now continues to grow I have gone through a lot in the past 3 months and I wouldn't wish this on anyone friend or foe... there are so many more on here that have much harder than myself... Sportsman for one.. who is out of work trying to save his marriage and keep his family together.. he is one I feel sorry for I no longer feel that for myself I know I will come out of this stronger and a much more compassionate and emotionally healthier person........

so My thoughts and prayers are with all my FRIENDS on this site... May God bless you all......


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## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

skinman said:


> there are so many more on here that have much harder than myself... Sportsman for one.. who is out of work trying to save his marriage and keep his family together.. he is one I feel sorry for I no longer feel that for myself I know I will come out of this stronger and a much more compassionate and emotionally healthier person........
> 
> so My thoughts and prayers are with all my FRIENDS on this site... May God bless you all......


Thanks Skinman,

As you know its been hard but my kids do make it easier as well.
I have them this weekend so that will help keep my mind busy.

I will post an update soon.

I hope you have a great vacation, I can tell in your post that even though you feel better you are still hurting and would do anything if you could fix this. I know exactly how you feel. Anyway, hang in there and I will reach out soon.


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

well its been a while since I have updated everyone one the cluster F... that I still find myself in these days...I can say that my emotions have stabilized towards my stbxw I can almost go the day without a thought of her crossing my mind but then again there are the days when she wont leave my mind......

I have been trying the no contact but that hasnt seem to work to well... after a few days of not hearing from her it never fails that she will email me...... sadly her emails mess me up as bad as talking with her..... I see her name pop-up on my screen when she emails and my axiety level rises.... well her latest tirade has been about our house..... she seems now to think that she will live in it indeffinetely and hold off the divorce.... 

can you belive that this is the woman who wanted the divorce in the first place and now she wants to delay just to get me back... you would think after 4 months of this BS... her anger would subside some....... Ha !!! i do believe it has gotten worse.... but then again I will be honest I have enjoyed getting her so pissed off at me that I can just imagine her veins in her forhead are bulging out...... just waiting on the anuerism... 

I know thats not right but after all that she has put me through I am entitled to have a few minutes of fun at her expense..... well she did tell that no one has ever gotten her madder than I have........


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

mommy22 said:


> Block her from you contact list in your email. That will really tick her off!!!!!!


 yes but then she would call and bug me that way........ she is a determined one !!


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## findingpeace (Mar 14, 2009)

Skinman I suggest you pull away for awhile no matter how hard it is for you to do it and see what she does some times when one mate pulls away it causes the other to chase them play cat and mouse with her I know it sounds imature but sadly that is the way relationships work some times in the meanwhile I suggest you read a book titled love must be tough by Dr James Dobson God bless


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

findingpeace said:


> Skinman I suggest you pull away for awhile no matter how hard it is for you to do it and see what she does some times when one mate pulls away it causes the other to chase them play cat and mouse with her I know it sounds imature but sadly that is the way relationships work some times in the meanwhile I suggest you read a book titled love must be tough by Dr James Dobson God bless



Thanks Findingpeace,

I will do the just what you suggested and see what happens. At this point she is determined for a divorce and there is not much I can do... thanks for responding and your good wishes...


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Well got back from my vacation and celebrated my birthday... sadly i was alone on my birthday flew in that day and was dead tired... The stbxw couldn't even wish me a happy b-day... pretty sad if you ask me after all these years together... She is now in Argentina with her boyfriend... this was supposed to be our trip and I am having a hard time not thinking about them together.. California was nice had a good time but it was hard keeping her off my mind... it seemed everything reminded me of our times we spent out there and it make it more difficult..

I went hoping to get her out of my thoughts but it backfired... its been over 5 months now and somedays i dont feel any further along than before.... I miss her and care for her still.. I have treid not talking with her but it seems she always has something she neds to talk about.. She is determined that she will be happier without me in her life... I dont know anymore I keep plugging along but she is never far from my thoughts......


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

hello well id like to wish you a belated HAPPY BIRTHDAY and im sorry your feeling down .
you do truly deserve to be happy and although she is not far from your thoughts ..you deserve someone who wants to be with you and doesnt hurt you .
Of course you still miss her you spent happy times together and the way you have been treated can only show you she is no longer that person you fell in love with .

I hope that you will soon be able to look back and think wow if all that hadnt of happerned i would never of met ....... good luck you really do deserve to find happiness again


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Thank you HD for the belated b-day wishes.... Who would have thought at 44 that I would be starting over... I had so many plans and dreams that me and my stbxw shared and now I try just to make it through each day... Yet she seems to be so in control of her emotions and could care less how much this has effected my very being.... if it wasnt for my daughter that we share together I would have given up a while back.....

I look for reasons to get up each morning with a smile on my face yet it soon fades after a nightfull of dreams of her and her friend.... I hope, like you that soon I can find someone even for the time being to take my mind off of her but that would not be fair to the woman or to myself... I know in my heart that I am not ready to date... To be honest that is the farthest thing from my mind at the moment... I wish I could be as cold and uncaring as she is but thats not who I am... I have a heart granted its not in too good of shape these days I do care for people.....

I guess this will take much longer than i imagined it ever would... how do you stop loving someone that has meant the world to you for so many years somoene you would have given your life for.. It would seem that i am not much farther along in healing than when this started........ I pray for peace within myself but find it hard to obtain........


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## MrsConfused (Mar 20, 2009)

I think you're smart for realizing you are in no position to share yourself with someone right now. Find things that you enjoy doing and do them. Concentrate on being happy. Once you have worked through the baggage you need to deal with you will be in a better position to offer your heart.... your mended heart... to someone else.

Just keep going and do things for you!


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

MrsConfused said:


> I think you're smart for realizing you are in no position to share yourself with someone right now. Find things that you enjoy doing and do them. Concentrate on being happy. Once you have worked through the baggage you need to deal with you will be in a better position to offer your heart.... your mended heart... to someone else.
> 
> Just keep going and do things for you!



Thanks Mrsconfused...
I have tried to do just that make myself happy but i have struggled with that... I have never been one to worry about myself I have always looked after everyone else first and foremost... My needs were never an issue until now...  thank you for your response....


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

Thats because in the past you have always put her and your daughter first ,you cant mend a brokern heart it takes time to heal ,dont regret things that you have said or should have said ..dont look back keep moving fowards small steps , its not easy to do things for yourself but you need to !! make sure you look after yourself small things like getting your hair cut ,buying a new shirt ,is there a friend you could go out for the night with ? you seem a real nice guy ,i really wish you all the best in your recovery


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

humpty dumpty said:


> Thats because in the past you have always put her and your daughter first ,you cant mend a brokern heart it takes time to heal ,dont regret things that you have said or should have said ..dont look back keep moving fowards small steps , its not easy to do things for yourself but you need to !! make sure you look after yourself small things like getting your hair cut ,buying a new shirt ,is there a friend you could go out for the night with ? you seem a real nice guy ,i really wish you all the best in your recovery


I did put them first and nnow I am finding it very difficult to not want to help her out... I know financially she is in trouble with some of her decisions she has made but I cant afford to give her anymore money than I am already.... I went out and bought myself a bicycle...  hopefully now I will be able to get some exercise along with getting out of the house... It will be nice riding along the back roads looking at the mountains in the distance ennjoying the quiet...... As for friends i dont have many and the ones i do have are all married... I lost most of my friends while taking care of family needs so its pretty much me these days and my daughter when i have her........

thanks for your words of encouragement........


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Well today the stbxw get back from her trip to Argentina with her "friend" to be honest i am dreading it... after feeling good all week and hardly thinking about her I know that the drama will soon start up again.... i can only imagine what I have done in her mind that will piss her off and cause her to freak out on me.......... Lately i have been reading up on Borderline personality Disorder.... man that fits my wife to a tee...when i read this article i posted below it sounded like my situation exactly... so i have comfort in knowing that no matter what I did in my marriage it wasnt going to be good enough to keep her happy...... if your interested heres the link...

AT ANY COST: Saving your Life after Loving a Borderline.

Wish me luck today because i have a feeling i will need it......


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## Alecram (Apr 3, 2009)

Hi Skinman

I've been a lurker on this forum for a little while and this is my first post. I've read your thread from the beginning and let me tell you that you deserve to pat yourself on the back for coming such a long way from your first post on this thread. You went from being lost, shattered, and needy to being strong, determined, independant and free. Don't look back and remember that there is always something better on the other side of that dark tunnel. You're almost there.

Thanks for posting that article on your previous post. I found it fascinating especially since, regretfully, I seem to fit the profile of a "borderline waif". Pretty scary. But that's the topic for a future thread. 

I read a bunch of the other articles covered on the site and I'm wondering if you read the article called DO YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED? Do you think that you might fit the Caregiver Personality type?


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Alecram,
thank you for your kind words and following along in my life for the past 5 months... Your words mean a great deal to me during this time.. I guess it helps me to see that I have made progress in all of this. There are days I doubt myself though but they are few are far between.... I read the article that you mention and I did see so many similarities with myself in the Caregiver Personality type... I have always been one to try and please make sure the family was taken care not worrying about myself... The part talking about the health issues really hit home.. I suffered a massive heart attack 7 years ago do to stress and working so much.. I was 37 at the time.. I have struggled with substance abuse throughout my life during my first marriage.. I saw so many things that hit a bell and were me....

I have saved the other article about the BPD so each time i think of my wife and I am able i will reread that and it offers comfort in knowing that I could have been the best husband and it still wouldn't have been good enough... I saw her last night when i dropped off my daughter.. she was all tan from her trip and actually looked good... I said hello as i handed her my daughters stuff and she totally ignored me.... She has so much hate and bitterness built up inside towards me that she has used to justify her actions toward me... The funny thing was as i pulled away I thought to myself "darn glad i dont have to deal with her attitudes anymore" I still miss her... well my old wife not the woman she has become but the one I fell in love with..

Thanks again and God bless


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## Alecram (Apr 3, 2009)

It's a positive thing that you're glad you don't have to "deal with her attitudes anymore". It means you're letting go, even though you said you still miss her. No biggie...these things take time.

You should take solace in the fact that if she really is a BPD female, she'll just put the other guy through the same hell as she put you. Don't know if that makes you feel any better--I know it would make me feel better, heh-heh.

I would simply advise that when you're finally ready to meet someone new, just keep what you've learned about borderline females in mind and try not to fall for that personality type again. It's easier said than done because the heart is blind, but if you put yourself first you will be able to do it.

Good luck.


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Alecram said:


> It's a positive thing that you're glad you don't have to "deal with her attitudes anymore". It means you're letting go, even though you said you still miss her. No biggie...these things take time.
> 
> You should take solace in the fact that if she really is a BPD female, she'll just put the other guy through the same hell as she put you. Don't know if that makes you feel any better--I know it would make me feel better, heh-heh.
> 
> ...


Thank you 
this weekend was really tough on me with the nice weather and stuff missing my routine of getting the yard looking nice for the coming summer... I flip flop on my emotions.. there are days when I dont miss her and realzie what she has become... then there are the days I miss the woman I fell in love with.. The one that occassionaly I still see come out.....

its out of my hands now we hardly speak or see each other which is good I guess...... I dont know.. i often wonder if I will ever find someone else who I can give my heart to like I did her....

thank you for the luck.........


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## amigo21 (Apr 2, 2009)

hi skinman,

i have been following on your thread for quite sometime now. thanks to you, i came across the link about "borderline females" and got a chance to read about a borderline male too.
my husband fits into that category 100%...

we have filed for a divorce after 2 years of marriage. it was the same type of issues u had with ur wife that my husband troubled me with. but the worst thing is, i kept thinking he would get better and would realise what he is doing and we will be back together - happily everafter...

but after reading your thread, i thought - if 16 years of marriage and kids could not change a person, then 2 years will definitely not do it. ur situation has helped me make up my mind to stop this right now than continue with this torture for some more time. anyways, if this is how it has to end even after knowing each other for almost 25 years, i guess 2 years wont make much difference.

tried all that i could think of to make this marriage work. changed myself in every way he would want me just to impress him. gave him many many chances to change himself. but the end result was still the same. even in the end, he still wants to blame me for no fault of mine and tells me - it is because of u that our relationship is in this state today !!!

u r a source of inspiration for me to go ahead with my life...

all the best to u...


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

amigo21 said:


> u r a source of inspiration for me to go ahead with my life...
> 
> all the best to u...



Thank you for your good wishes.... but an inspiration I never set out to be... I do take comfort in knowing that it has helped you with your decision to move forward with your life... just think you have endless possibilities ahead for you....... You just need to decide which way to go and what you want.......

The skies the limit.......... good luck and best wishes


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

Skinman im sure you have inspired many people in how you have coped and lived through the last few months ..using your words ...THE SKIES THE LIMIT .. for you to make each day exciting and start looking to your future ..im sure that when your ready for another relationship and it may be a while that you will be able to learn from your past to make a happier future xx good luck


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

Without knowing the details of the reason for separation, it is very hard to tell. At least, she didn't contact a divorce lawyer and ask you to sign on the dotted line. If I was the your wife, and I was through, I wouldn't be emailing. Possibly, she may want you to try harder and tell her how much you miss her, and that you have changed to be a better man.


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

humpty dumpty said:


> Skinman im sure you have inspired many people in how you have coped and lived through the last few months ..using your words ...THE SKIES THE LIMIT .. for you to make each day exciting and start looking to your future ..im sure that when your ready for another relationship and it may be a while that you will be able to learn from your past to make a happier future xx good luck



Thank you Humpty..... 

I can only hope so...I have learned quite a bit about myself and what I will look for in a new relationship and like you say its gonna be a while... I still need to work on myself, building my self esteem and trying to make myself happy... If I can get to that point in my life I may not want anyone else.... The Lord only knows....

thank you again.........


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Sensitive said:


> Without knowing the details of the reason for separation, it is very hard to tell. At least, she didn't contact a divorce lawyer and ask you to sign on the dotted line. If I was the your wife, and I was through, I wouldn't be emailing. Possibly, she may want you to try harder and tell her how much you miss her, and that you have changed to be a better man.


Thank you Sensitive...

In my state we have to be separated for a year before you can file.. We still have more than 6 months to go.. In my heart I know its over and she is done... She has been with many men during this time while I have worked on making myself better and trying to learn from my mistakes... I have become a much better father to my daughters which in the end will benefit them the most... As for anything else its out of my hands... I can always care for her but it will have to be from a distance.. I dont like the woman she has become and I know I deserve someone who will love me for me and not what I can do for them........

I will be happy again whether its alone or not..........


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## amigo21 (Apr 2, 2009)

Skin, I think u r in a wonderful place right now (emotionally).

This attitude of yours will definitely do wonders for u..
She NEVER deserved u in the first place....
Thanks to you, she experienced true love atleast for sometime in her life...

U lost nothing, but she lost a loving heart that cared so much for her... She is the LOSER.

She will definitely realize it one day...


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

amigo21 said:


> Skin, I think u r in a wonderful place right now (emotionally).
> 
> This attitude of yours will definitely do wonders for u..
> She NEVER deserved u in the first place....
> ...


 Thank you amigo21,

You just brought tears to my eyes...  I have to watch that I am sitting here at work....... lol.. 

Its so easy to write this and give others advice but when it comes to believeing it myself I struggle.. I am not as strong as I sound I have to admit it... My heart is broken and she occupies alot of my thoughts...

Your kind words as so appreciated and needed now... I know I will be happy again and oneday look back and reflect on my life to this point and not have regrets... She gave me the greatest gift of a Wonderfull daughter and for that I will always be thankfull....

Thanks again.... You have made my day !!


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

I had a long and heated discussion with the stbxw last night... She has decided that we need to sit down and hash out a property settlement for all of our stuff... I guess this is one step closer to it all being really over.  I wasnt sure how it would affect me... To be honest it has more than I thought it would.. Here is everything that we built together as a couple over 16 years and we get to divide it up and pick and choose things from our life... 

Sadly none of the material stuff really matters anymore.. I guess the house and my 401K will be the big items that will cause friction but the little things I dont want or need.. I have enough daily reminders in my head of how everything was... I sure dont want any little items around making things worse..
We'll have to see how it goes... I am almost half way divorced..

Well the day just keeps getting better....traded about 10 emails and a few phone calls with the stbxw and after wanting the moon she has now decided she doesnt want anything and will walk away from our house and everything just to get away from me........Now do you all see just what I have to deal with... its no wonder I am f-ed up in the head sometimes........

I wish it was all over... we cant even has a conversation on the phone without her getting pissed off and hanging up....then she refuses to answer when i call back........I am ready to give up.....


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## sinatra (Apr 6, 2009)

I would say it's time to give up at this point skinman. I'm really sorry that you have to go through this in your life. I can't imagine being with someone for that amount of time and dealing with what you have to deal with.

Have you gone to see a therapist? I'm sure you have I just haven't had a chance to read through your entire thread. You are a very strong person and will make it through this, believe that and look towards the future at this point. It's very hard to do, but work on your self talk and turn around from the past and focus on your new beginning. I know that sounds like BS and you've heard it before, but try it. Go through the process of dissolving the marriage and I know that's so hard to hear but it's what you have to do to start your new life ASAP. I wish we all could tell you to hang in there but it's time for you to start being happy and live your life for you and not her. 

Remember that you are a great person and people will recognize that and you will enjoy the rest of your life with someone who loves you for you.

Please vent and vent and vent on these forums and get it all out.

Hang in there my friends you are almost through the worst of it.


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## blind (Jan 17, 2008)

skinman - I've followed this thread on and off. You might remember I recently went through divorce. Our stories have some similarities and of course several differences. One thing I've noticed is that your happiness seems to depend on others. You have trouble making yourself happy. I'm far from a professional when in come to psychology, etc,. but it seems you may suffer in part from co-dependency. You were dependent on your stbxw for your happiness. I realize that when in a loving relationship each person find happiness in making the other happy. But you seem to be so dependent on your stbxw for your happiness that you can't seem to find any comfort. You refer to still being in love with her, and I expect you do still love her. But, there may be something more to your stuggle to get over her and move on. Just something to think about. I hate to see anyone struggling this way because I've been there and the hurt cuts very deeply.

I think the bicycling idea is great. That hobby can very rewarding and I have many friends that can't get enough of it. Plus it can be something that YOU do that brings YOU some comfort, happiness and the bonus of excercise which is always good for the body and soul. 

Best of luck friend.

Blind


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Thank you Blind and Sinatra,

I appreciate the kind words and encouragement...

*Blind*- My friend I do believe you are somewhat correct.. I did depend on my wife and family to much for my happiness and now that I am alone I am struggling to find something i can really get into and enjoy... Fishing season is close upon us and thats something I always enjoyed and the biking is going well.. really out of shape at this point but I need to start somewhere...
As for loving her I dont know anymore.. I guess I love my old wife not the persin she has become... I have been seeing a therapist for a while now.. He has mentioned the same thing I need to find something to really take my mind off of things something I enjoy... Finding that is my only problem... I am kind of stuck you could say... I dont know if its fear that is keeping me from letting go and seeing her for how she is now or thinking maybe she will come to her senses...

*Sinatra*,
Thank you for your words of encouragement... it is a difficult situation and I guess I have spent enough time feeling sorry for myself and need to move on.... I feel like I am moving forward but not nearly fast enough I do tend to dwell on the past much more than I want and try to recognize it when it happens.. I will get there one of these days hopefully sooner than later..

Thanks for keeping up with me both of you.....


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## blind (Jan 17, 2008)

skinman - I completely understand the confusion about your love for her. I've been there. Love is so tough to define and sometimes tough to know if you love someone or not. Maybe thinking of it this way will help. You desire your "old" wife but not this "new" person. Is it still love, who knows? You miss what you once had. I have shared those feelings so many times.

Let me also try to give you a little encouragement. Not to suggest that you should date, but just to let you know there is happiness out there for you. I've now met someone and we have started a wonderful relationship. She truly desires to spend time with me and wants to meet my needs. I feel the same way about her. Who knows where this will all lead (and its much too soon to tell), but I must say I had forgotten what it felt like to be cared about. It has given me the confidence that I lacked through the demise of my marriage. With that confidence comes happiness from within. Its okay for other people to be A source of happiness. It becomes a problem when others are your only source of happiness. Make sense?

I expect it is a combination of fear and hope for reconciling that is getting in your way at times. I also struggled with that confusing combination. When I finally let myself have some fun and started doing things I enjoyed my perspective changed a little. I started thinking, if she wants to reconcile I'll give it a shot. But, if not, I'm able to find happiness without her. I've now moved to a state of mind where I'm happier without her than I've been in a long time. I still harbor some resentment toward her, but not feelings of wanting her back. When things bother me now it is almost exclusively because I don't see my kids as often as before. I'll have to deal with that also by knowing that my time with them these days is of better quality than before.

Keep moving forward my friend. If you reread your thread you'll see how far you have come. We all progress through this at a different pace. One pace isn't better than the other. 

My best to you, skinman.


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Thanks Blind.. I appreciate the encouragement friend.. Actually I have been chatting with a woman online and we plan on meeting for a beer next week. That has made me feel better about myself and hopefully getting out with the opposite sex might just pull me out of this funk i find myself still in.... You know I have days Where I would never think of getting back with her seeing how she has treated me and seeing the real person... We spoke last night and for a little while it was like old times hearing the sound of her voice and just talking felt good... until the Poop hit the fan and I was brought back to reality.. 

I know oneday i will find someone to make me happy and show me the love and caring that I also lacked throughout my marriage.. Oneday ...no need to rush things... You know, I havent really felt the anger or bitterness that she feels .. I feel more sorry for her than anything else.. She kept hanging up on me today and wouldn't answer my calls... I thought to myself.. this is a 42 year old owoman acting like this... The hate she still feels and shows towards me is shocking... You would have thought i beat her daily and made her life hell by the way she acts towards me..... Soon I will find myself in your place and when i do I will know i have made it through the toughest part...

Thanks Blind.. glad to hear that your spirits are high my friend !!


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Well yesterday was the day I have been dreading for some time. Me and the stbxw sat down and discussed our property settlement who would get what and so forth... It felt weird sitting in my kitchen again for the first time in 3 or 4 months...I mentioned to her how I missed the house.. she said its only a house but it was more than that, it was a home before she decided to end it all... We talked for about a half hour., its the longest we have been together in the same room since this all started, I could tell that she felt uncomfortable being with me but I remained strong and didnt show any emotions even though she knew this was hurting me.. I have to admit she looked good all nice and tan from her recent trip and she has lost weight..

I have thought about giving her the house in the settlement... the housing market in our area has gotten so bad it could be on the market for a while.. Plus the fact that she would get more out of my retirement plan that I would out of selling the house... Still its a hard decision it would put me back to having nothing just like when we got married and started our life together.... I guess one way to look at it is I came into the marriage with nothing so it shouldn't be a big deal to leave it with nothing... I know she is struggling financially and I hate to see that she is but I cant let her take advantage of my feelings for her which she has tried to do.. I know I need to remain strong and determined and not give in to her demands...

Its hard though seeing the person you have cared about for most of your life struggling even though I am too having a hard time... I would still do almost anything to help her but cant let her know that... I sent her a 100$ in an unmarked envelope hopefully she wont realize its from me... I know she would find some way to turn it around like I feel guilty or something instead of me just wanting to help her......

I hope it gets easier soon..........


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Here it is April 17th... A little over a month before what would have been my 15th anniversary... Yet I find myself filling out a property settlement agreement between me and my stbxw.... Its hard giving up so much that you have worked so hard for .. My house... All the hours that I put into refinishing the basement putting in a brick patio and all the landscaping that I did.... all for what..... So that she and her new friend can enjoy it while I find myself living with my brother....Its hard enough getting up some days knowing that the same things will more than likely go on... I will leave for work do my job without much excitement and come home to usually an empty house....

All the while thoughts of her and what she is doing fill my head... Its been almost 6 months now and yet I still find myself missing her and what we had.... She could care less what this has done to my girls and our family... All that she cares about is her perceived happiness.... I can tell by my interactions with her that she hasn't found what she was looking for yet she still takes every chance to put me down one way or another......
I even told her one day that she would never find someone who would love her like I did and put up with as much as me...... She had nothing to say.... I think she knows and doubts her decisions but will never admit to them...

I guess it doesn't matter that much anymore.... Oneday i will find someone or something that will occupy my time and thoughts and she will no longer matter to me...... I hate to even write that or think it but it is what it is........

I will survive and come out of this a better man than I came into it..........


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

skinman-

I am concerned for you. I am concerned that she might try and get back with you at the last moment as a "second best" option. Would you buckle and accept her terms? I think you need to be ready for this just in case it happens. what I am saying in simple English is: If you take her back, make sure to negotiate good terms. Absolutely no doormats allowed!

You have come a long way, and yet there is still more you could do to develop yourself. You're such a nice guy, but nice guys are just not made for this harsh world. I wrote *this* for martino.


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Thanks for the concern MT...

but thats wont be an option getting back together.. She is happy with her new friend and doesnt care anymore for what we had... She has re-written our entire marriage and says she was so unhappy for a long time and felt like she was settling... Its a bunch of BS... Of course there were times when things were strained but she has made it out in her mind that I was the cause..

Whatever... we just sat down and talked about the house and the settlement agreement and things didnt go to well as I expected... She wants everything that she can get and has threatened me if not.. I told her I wasnt giving into her demands... Then she gave me the guilt trip of if something happened to her and she had no insurance...... See I have kept her on mine throughout the separation and want to cancel her since she is no longer my problem...... but she had to bring my daughter into it telling her I was going to drop her so she called her down and told her..... real responsible if you ask me.. 

I guess in a sense I am glad she is gone.... but I do miss my family and the times we spent together...


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## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

She is sure playing dirty telling your daughter. She is trying to get everything she can out of you and that is NOT RIGHT!!!! Stand your ground! Tell her she chose this....she wants out....tell her you will only cover your children and she is not your responsibility! Tell her that only husbands take care of wives on their insurance....not ex wives! Sit your daughter down and explain that you wanted none of this but your wife did and this is what happens when people divorce. Tell her in the best gentle way. Your wife certainly wants her cake and to eat it too. Do not give in to her demands. This really rubs me the wrong way! It's not enough that they stomp on your hearts but try to screw you over in every possible way too? Plain wrong!


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

toomanytears said:


> She is sure playing dirty telling your daughter. She is trying to get everything she can out of you and that is NOT RIGHT!!!! Stand your ground! Tell her she chose this....she wants out....tell her you will only cover your children and she is not your responsibility! Tell her that only husbands take care of wives on their insurance....not ex wives! Sit your daughter down and explain that you wanted none of this but your wife did and this is what happens when people divorce. Tell her in the best gentle way. Your wife certainly wants her cake and to eat it too. Do not give in to her demands. This really rubs me the wrong way! It's not enough that they stomp on your hearts but try to screw you over in every possible way too? Plain wrong!


Thank you Toomanytears...

she is playing dirty but thats always been her style... the signs have always been there and I knew deep down if our marriage ever went south I would be put through hell... its funny how some things that you are most afraid of always end up happening..... I have tried to be fair and give in on certain things like not fighting for custody.... I went through a nasty custody battle with my 1st wife... the real loser was my oldest daughter.... I didnt want my youngest to go through the same...
like Mark Twain has said I am a "Nice Guy" I always have been and people have taken advantage of me my whole life... especially when it comes to my children.. I hate to see them hurt yet she finds it so easy to use her as a pawn against me..

someone whom she loves more than anything so she says... I have told her many times that I could never hate her for what she has done..... but to be honest she has tested my resolve.. I hate the woman she has become or always was and I was just blind.... I miss the woman I married and fell in love with but she is long gone....... now I must deal with what she has become and look forward to the day when a thought of her will not cross my mind..........thanks again 

God Bless...........


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## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

I agree with you about your comment on the things you were afraid of most seem to be the very things that end up happening to you. In my case, my husband knew that I would be dependent on him financially after I became disabled. He used it at every moment to hold over my head and ultimately ended up doing it. He will "starve" me out, drop me from the insurance and let me face my health issues and financial issues alone. There are mean people in this world skinman and my husband is one of the dirtiest. It has always been about Me....Me....Me with him. I am not a perfect woman but I feel as though I have been a good wife to him. I've lived with pain that was so unbearable that I won't to blow my brains out, but always tried to put a smile on my face and not let it affect our marriage. I think my husband was just sick and tired of my disability, being responsible for all the health care bills, etc. but wasn't man enough to tell me to my face. He has yet to even state his issues but finds no problem in coming up with nit picky stuff, twisted half truths to make himself look not quite so bad for walking out on me. He doesn't want anyone to know he has been out cheating on me and certainly doesn't want anyone to know that he has been mentally and verbally abusive to me. I am a good person, same as you skinman and we both deserve better than what we have. It will hurt for us for a while but in the end, we will be better off having them out of our lives. He has bent me but he won't break me! I have fought from not walking to walking again so I know that I have the resolve it takes. If I have to live on 776.00 a month for the rest of my life, I will manage. You and I can do this skinman.....they are the losers because one day they both will look back when they finally grow up and realize what they threw away....then it is too little too late! Stay strong.


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

I wanted to take the time to thank everyone who has posted on my thread....I have to admit that you all have given me hope but sadly the hope wasn't enough to sustain me through these difficult times..... I have given up,, I can no lonegr carry this burdon that i feel in my heart and soul...This will be my last post and I want you all to know that i wish you the best i wish strength to you all that I could not sustain... My final orayers will be with those that are stronger than myself..... 

If you are religious please say a prayer for my soul... I have given up you win Denise.....

May we meet again in the nest life.....



Thanks to Mommy22....Amigo21... Sprite... and everyone Else..
I have forgotten... you wont be forgotten..... I promsie you all........

God bless and best wishes,,,

Richard


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## amigo21 (Apr 2, 2009)

Hey skinman,

What happened?
Where r u?
Dont take any step in a haste...


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## amigo21 (Apr 2, 2009)

Hi All,

Can somebody please throw more light on this?
Where is skinman gone?
He does sound quite down and depressed.


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## amigo21 (Apr 2, 2009)

There are people here in much horrible situations.
This is no reason to give up on your life.

Come on skinman, reply back


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## amigo21 (Apr 2, 2009)

ya, i have been getting replies from him too.
he is doing fine...


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

skinman with every new step you take in your life i truly hope you find hope love and excitement you really do deserve to be happy again and in time im sure you will be xx


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Thank you humpty...

I feel like such a failure and loser... I have been replaced in the thing that meant the most to be being a husbnd and father.... I will always be a father but it seems so much emptier without the other..its been 6 months and I feel no further along now than when this started... She has moved on so easily and could care less how much I still hurt... Even the cold way she confirmed her friend... it was heartless coming from soneone who has meant so much to me..... maybe this will make it wasier but so far it hasnt... I cant sleep at nights thoughts fill my mind of her and him together......

I dont know anymore.......I wish I could meet someone to help keep my mind off of her but so far no luck in that area...... just like all my others areas i guess......


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Thank you M22...

you have been a true friend throughout this mess I find my life in.. I appreciate all your words of encouragement. Your right I need to quit letting her steal my joy and happiness.... It is my choice to be happy or not and I guess its time to act on that.... so many people on TAM have tried to help with all that I am going through offering support, encouragement and prayers... I feel like I have not only let myself down but all of you too... I am almost a hypocrate... I tell everyone else on here to look towards their future and things will get better but I find it hard to even listen to my own advice...... I know this isnt the end of the world just a small and painfull lesson that i must endure to become the person that the Lord wishes....

I too hope oneday to wake up and not have a thought of her go through my mind.... We have agreed on the property settlement and should be signed in the next few days... She is so anxious to get the divorce over with I guess her new life appeals to her much more than the old one ever did.......


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

mommy22 said:


> You are no hypocrite, you're human. It's ALWAYS easier to give advice to others than it is to actually act on those words. You know the phrase "easier said than done"?? I have found myself consumed by those who've hurt me. Then I get mad at myself for giving them the power to have that control over me.
> 
> As for the property settlement, maybe it will be better when you can put this behind you. Take your time on it. Don't let her rush you on anything. She's a demanding creature, isn't she?!


Yes she is... but I wote it up myself.. so pretty much all the demands were by me.. I gave her the house if she can get it refinanced and I keep my retirement plan... I am getting the better deal now as long as housing prices continue to remain low.. I wish I could get mad.... angry and resentfull towards her... but thats not me....... I am more hurt and betrayed than angry...... I dont want to be like her..... I want to be free and clear of the thought of her.... I have tried to train my mind whenever I think of her to tell myself she is not worth my thoughts.. works sometimes doesnt most of the time....


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

I can understand you pain and anger and i know how it can take over your life . 
Skinman take as much time as you need ,we all want to see you smile again hang on in there . sending you a hug


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

humpty dumpty said:


> I can understand you pain and anger and i know how it can take over your life .
> Skinman take as much time as you need ,we all want to see you smile again hang on in there . sending you a hug


Thank you Humpty... I sure wish I could smile and be happy again soon...... I am tired of feeling this way caring about someone who has no feelings for me at all... Like M22 said maybe the agreement will finalize things for me and i can indeed let go...... I can only hope i do know that i need to find more activities to enrich my life... I need to find a few new friends someone I can look forward to spedning time with.... I need to take that first step.........

Thats always the hardest.......


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

the hardest but the most exciting too  the world awaits you  hey skinman little steps one at a time ..we know you can do it xx


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

humpty dumpty said:


> the hardest but the most exciting too  the world awaits you  hey skinman little steps one at a time ..we know you can do it xx



 I sure wish I had your enthusiasm Humpty... Your replies always are so optimistic......Soon this will be over 6 months and then she will be free of me.... Thats what she wants so i will have to let her go... We had our moment in time together and now its time to let some other woman feel the love that I have to offer.... Thanks again....


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

And once you have let her go , your world will open to new beginings.. 
I know its seems so far away but it will happern  you will smile again, at the moment its like a grieving process it takes time and we all have plenty to give you to help you


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

humpty dumpty said:


> *And once you have let her go*, your world will open to new beginings..
> I know its seems so far away but it will happern  you will smile again, at the moment its like a grieving process it takes time and we all have plenty to give you to help you


 I hope to be like a sponge and soak up all the optimism that you all will allow me...
You know Humpty... I never wanted to let her go..  I still dont but I know its only hurting me in the end... I dont want to hate her but I know I will and thats one of the saddest parts to all of this... After all the times she has told me how much she hates me I always said I will never hate you I guess that is one time I wont be able too keep my word.......


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

There is no need to hate her. Just let go of her. What has hate go to do with anything. It is a symptom of not letting go, of still intensely thinking of the other person. It's childish. Let go and move on. This is just a life lesson in focusing on what is important. Wake up and smell the coffee.


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

Your going to be ok skinman .. time heals creates new , try to stay positive join a new club get out and have fun x take care


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## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

Hey skinman.....you are just in that spot in the nasty breakup road. I admit that I have been going thru them too. Right now I hate my husband so much I wouldn't spit on him if he were on fire but like someone else said in your thread, it only is giving power to them for us to feel that way. I personally think your stbxw is a fool for throwing a decent man like you away. My husband is a fool too but I truly believe he will get his in the end. You are a great guy and you are going to get thru this, same as me. There are rough patches but they are expected with this sort of stuff. You just have to resolve to yourself that you will not give it power over you. You have done everything you could to salvage your marriage so as it ends, you have to know in your heart that you did put forth the effort. She will be the one that looks back one day and realizes what she threw away. By then you will have a wonderful life because you are a great guy and I know you will find someone who is your perfect match!


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

toomanytears said:


> Hey skinman.....you are just in that spot in the nasty breakup road. I admit that I have been going thru them too. Right now I hate my husband so much I wouldn't spit on him if he were on fire but like someone else said in your thread, it only is giving power to them for us to feel that way. *I personally think your stbxw is a fool for throwing a decent man like you away.* *My husband is a fool too but I truly **believe he will get his in the end*. You are a great guy and you are going to get thru this, same as me. There are rough patches but they are expected with this sort of stuff. You just have to resolve to yourself that you will not give it power over you. You have done everything you could to salvage your marriage so as it ends, you have to know in your heart that you did put forth the effort. She will be the one that looks back one day and realizes what she threw away. By then you will have a wonderful life because you are a great guy and I know you will find someone who is your perfect match!


 thanks toomanytears........

I appreciate the kind words and vote of confidence... Recently I have begun to really see what kind of woman she is... no integrity or morals at all... how can someone have a guy over our house spending the night knowing that she is still married...I have told her many times that I have been faithfull to our vows and asked her is she could say the same.... she couldn't .....like you I hope in the end she feels the pain and hurt of betrayel that she has inflicted upon me.......
one way or another she will get what she deserves.... whether by circumstances or by the Lord... she is such a hypocrite.... she told me one day that the Lord knows what kind of person she is and is fine with it..... I had to laugh....she is the loser if you ask me..... to be honest I dont she will ever admit or even feel that she made a mistake......... not to be bitter or anything but I will take pleasure out of any misfortune that befalls her....

One a better note...... went on a date last night with a woman... I have to say I had a great time it was fun and refreshing enjoy dinner with someone who has a personality and interesting things to share... I would have never had this much fun with the ex.... she had such a nasty disposition about her that sould sour the mood for the whole evening.... I wish everyone on here who has stood by me and inspired me *The* *very best wishes*... You all have been such good people and I believe that will be be taken care of by the Lord one day.......

Thanks again..... God Bless you all.........

Richard


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

mommy22 said:


> Glad to hear this latest news!! You going out with her again??



Thanks M22........ I think I probably will...  she seemed to really enjoy my company and I enjoyed hers....


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

mommy22 said:


> Just what you need!



 you are so right.... it felt great to be appreciated for my humor... for being a gentlemen.. She was honest and at first said she wasnt sure if she wanted to... but after a few emails back and forth she said she could tell from the way I wrote that I seemed ok with a good heart...
after last night she said she knew her instincts where right on...

It was a nice feeling kind of hitting it off having so many things in common and enjoying the conversation....... I pleasantly surprised her M22........ 

Skin....


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

skinman-

Great news on the date :smthumbup:
Don't let this one be your last either. Keep going until you strike gold! I'm so happy for you, you deserve a break.


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> skinman-
> 
> Great news on the date :smthumbup:
> Don't let this one be your last either. Keep going until you strike gold! I'm so happy for you, you deserve a break.



Thanks MT...

It felt great to be appreciated and listened too by someone who actally enjoyed my company...... and it wont be my last she said we would do it again soon...


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

Great News  im really pleased for you


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## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

This is great news skinman! I am so happy you had a good time! You are a great guy and I'm sure your dinner date could see that from the start. It sure helps your attitude when something positive happens.....bet this is a good day for you huh?


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## amigo21 (Apr 2, 2009)

Great news skinman.
Glad you had a great time. M really happy for you...


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Thanks everyone... It has been a good day.. my self esteem is climbing and it gives me hope.... it felt great to get away from all the thoughts that have been my life for what seems forever... Enjoying the company of a nice woman..... for those couple hours I felt like a man again........


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## Sprite (Nov 3, 2008)

THAT IS SO AWESOME!!! Good for you! Everything will work out just fine.

Look at it this way....you can be thankful to your stbxw for allowing you this opportunity to meet someone new. Thanks to her you can now feel like a man again, even if it was only for a couple hours...but that will improve. Take what you have learned from her and run with it. You know from her teachings what you dont want in a relationship, you know what kind of person you dont want to be with, and she has taught you what you should be on the look out for so you dont end up with another loser like herself. I know you don't want to hate her, and no matter what she has and still will put you through, you probably never will...I dont think you have a mean bone in your body....

You have the opportunity to be picky now  don't settle just because someone makes you feel good for a couple hours, but it's a step in your road to letting stbxw go on her merry way(or so she thinks now..lol). Be ready for stuff to hit the fan when she hears about this tho....I have a feeling she is going to blow a gasket. Not because she wants you to herself...but because you didnt let her break you! You are showing signs of moving on, and I have a gut feeling that this will disappoint her..but so be it, she made her bed.

Best of luck to you and I am truelly happy for you 
You deserve so much more than what you have been dealing with.


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## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

I totally 110% agree with everything Sprite said!!!!!


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Sprite said:


> THAT IS SO AWESOME!!! Good for you! Everything will work out just fine.
> 
> 
> You have the opportunity to be picky now  don't settle just because someone makes you feel good for a couple hours, but it's a step in your road to letting stbxw go on her merry way(or so she thinks now..lol). Be ready for stuff to hit the fan when she hears about this tho....I have a feeling she is going to blow a gasket. Not because she wants you to herself...but because you didnt let her break you! You are showing signs of moving on, and I have a gut feeling that this will disappoint her..but so be it, she made her bed.
> ...


Thank you Sprite...
you have been a good friend to me when i needed one most.. I have met some truly amazing people on here that have so much compassion and support for us that are hurting.. You know who you are MOM... You have been a bright side in my life... You know she has taught me one lesson... I dont need someone in my life to be happy... She has told me over and over than she doesnt need a man in her life... I laughed and said I know you better than that D.... I am not totaly happy but with each day and all the encouragement that you and others have given me allows me to know I will be fine...

My life will go on alone or with someone.....I believe that I have to much love and goodness within that the lord wont allow me to not have someone to share it with... and when the right one comes along I will have learned what to look for..... And most importantly what it takes to KEEP HER !!!!


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

Its great that you have been lifted , your self self esteem rising is totally fantastic . 
I dont think you have to worry about what you need to do to KEEP HER once you have found the right person you will know .You have learnt so much your be a star  keep going out and enjoy life


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## Sprite (Nov 3, 2008)

LOL Mommy, I thought the same thing. I cant WAIT to hear how she takes this and I am hoping it takes her through a pretty good loop.


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

well said Mommy !
love your honesty


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Thank you ladies.... I really mean it..just when I thought we had agreed on the property settlement I find out last night she wants more... My gosh she is trying to break me... she threatened me that she would go for back child support if I didnt agree to her demands she would fight for it..... The *****.....I have been giving her almost 950$ a month to pay for mortgage braces and karate for my daughter......

now she wants more.... can you all see why this is messing with me so bad.... I dont deserve any of this.... I never treated her bad and this is what I get...... she is making is so tempting to just walk away from it all.......... just like her first husband did.....


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## Sprite (Nov 3, 2008)

Dont let her do this to you. do some research and find out exactly what she is entitled to....which wont be any more than half of everything. Child support is NOT up to her, it is up to the friend of the court or what ever entity handles that where you live. I know here in Michigan, its a standard formula that is used. They get no more or no less than what the court says is fair. Stop paying her mortgage. If she wants the house, it is HER responsibility to maintain it. Tell her you will continue to pay for the braces and Karate, but no more mortgage...why should you be paying for a house you no longer live in? If she cant afford it..well, guess what?...she will have to find something she can wont she? Make her accountable for her decision.

Do you have an attorney? Does she? You should get one if you don't already. Then you can tell her when she changes her mind...talk to my attorney!!!


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

She doesnt care M22... 
she is so determined to make me pay for whatever makes her so unhappy that I am ready to give up.... I see now why her first husband said heck with it and walked away.... I dont want to do that but I dont know how much more of this i can take... when i dropped off Sky last night she came running up to the door with the nsatiest look on her face....... first though was oh great what did I do now......well she ignored me... which I thought was cool....... well not 10 minutes later she called... wish I had not taken the call but I did........

I think she is trying to give me another heart attack to be honest.... Why esle would she be so hell bent on destroying me and any self esteem I have left......... And to fight her... I am so far in debt now its not funny....it would be easier to walk.... or better yet run...........

Well i talked with an attorney and he said if i wanted to keep my stake in the house to pay half the mortgage... thats why i am trying to get her to agree on the settlement...


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I don't want to see you lose yourself or get pushed around, but please keep in mind that fueling the flames of her anger will only hurt your daughter in the long run. If you can remain calm and adult about this, and let the attorney handle all divorce-related comminication, I think you and your daughter would be better off. Do not let her verbally punish you--you don't deserve that; she is an adult and can make her choices, but she does not have to punish you as part of it. So if she starts trying to talk settlement or "issues" with you, just tell her to stop and please go through her attorney. Let her know by email or whatever that all discussion between you two is over except as relates to your daughter and her needs/arrangements to pick her up, etc. You will feel calmer without having the burden of her anger! 

Best of luck.


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

sisters359 said:


> I don't want to see you lose yourself or get pushed around, but please keep in mind that fueling the flames of her anger will only hurt your daughter in the long run. If you can remain calm and adult about this, and let the attorney handle all divorce-related comminication, I think you and your daughter would be better off. Do not let her verbally punish you--you don't deserve that; she is an adult and can make her choices, but she does not have to punish you as part of it. So if she starts trying to talk settlement or "issues" with you, just tell her to stop and please go through her attorney. Let her know by email or whatever that all discussion between you two is over except as relates to your daughter and her needs/arrangements to pick her up, etc. You will feel calmer without having the burden of her anger!
> 
> Best of luck.


Thanks.. but for some reason she feels the need to punish me... to humiliate me further and make me feel beneath her... We dont have attorneys.. we tried to be amicable throughout this but a year is a long time to wait.....I dont know if its her friend that is fueling this or what... But I am near the end of putting up with her... shoot I will give her it all and walk away... I dont need this anymore...

It hurts to see someone who meant so much to me treat me like crap... I would have done anything for this woman........ i guess what I did do wasn't enough.........


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

skinman said:


> Thanks.. but for some reason she feels the need to punish me... to humiliate me further and make me feel beneath her... We dont have attorneys.. we tried to be amicable throughout this but a year is a long time to wait.....I dont know if its her friend that is fueling this or what... But I am near the end of putting up with her... shoot I will give her it all and walk away... I dont need this anymore...
> 
> It hurts to see someone who meant so much to me treat me like crap... I would have done anything for this woman........ i guess what I did do wasn't enough.........


Then maybe it is time to get an attorney. This is your "leverage": either she straigthens up, or the matter needs to go to attorneys. It's just not good for any of you. Maybe having you take a stand on this will shake her out of whatever is going on, maybe not, but then you'll get an attorney. Either way, you don't have to take it anymore.


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## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

GRRRRRRR....Skin I was infuriated when I was catching up on your thread!!! This woman is a piece of work indeed. Do not....I repeat, DO NOT, let her shove you around like this! I agree with the rest of the girls that you need to get an attorney. You do not have to put up with this crap from her. If you aren't living in the house, don't pay any on that mortgage period. She wants the house, let her pay for it. Pay your share on your daughter's needs. She is trying to take you for everything you have and using the fact that you still care about her to her advantage. I'm about to believe that she and my stbx are from the same gene pool, haha. Seriously, you don't have to put up with this. Cut contact with her and refer her to your lawyer on anything regarding divorce/settlements. Tell her you will only talk with her about daughter....period. It makes me so mad for people to take advantage of kind, decent, caring folks. I'm as mad at your stbx as I am mine now, haha.


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## Sprite (Nov 3, 2008)

I really hope you do take our advice and get an attorney. My advice is to simply NEVER answer the phone when she calls. If its about the kids, let her leave a message, then you can call her right back. If she leaves no message, that just means she wanted to poke and prod at you some more. DO NOT LET HER HAVE THE UPPER HAND!!!!!

Maybe you should consider making arrangements to pick up your daughter in a public place from now on. This way she can't corner you.

And remember God never gives us something we can not handle. He knows(and we do too) that you can get through this...just be strong. If she wants to play hardball...play back! She wants you to cave and just walk away...don't do it. She obviosuly knows how to play the game..be the one that plays back. I'll bet no one has ever done that for her before.


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Thank you Sprite...
Actually tonight when I drop off my daughter I will be looking at the Property settlement that I wrote up and she added a few things.. The things she added were something I figured would end up in there like paying half of college for minor daughter something I would have done anyway... as for picking her up I get her at her tykwondoe practice so I dont see the EX. which makes it so much easier... She knows that I wont cave... believe me... she even said the other night that once we get this done the animosity between us will go away........  I laughed and said there will always be animosity... she said no there wont...... Whatever.. today I feel so much better I think I can finally accept the person she has become and realize that its not someone I care to know or have in my life... If it doesn't go well tonight then I will see my attorney.... I promise you all that.....

The woman that I loved for all those years is no longer with us... and now I am left to deal with the new one....... its ok I am secure in the fact that one day she will get what she deserves.... I am looking forward to finding a new calling in life.. someone I can really wrap my hands around and throw myself into full steam.. She has done nothing to better herself during this. in her eyes I was the root of her unhappiness... I know better and one day she will too... 

Like you said in a previous post that I will most likely always care for her... sadly I think your right but I will care for myself so much more..... My job of husband is almost over now I can concentrate on my other job...... Super DAD........ 

Thank you Ladies... I feel so blessed so have met so many wonderfull women during this time..... my stbxw hasnt left me bitter to the goodness of the fairer sex.......

God Bless you all..

R.


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

mommy22 said:


> Now you know there actually are good ones out there!! Can't wait to hear the details of your next date!


Thanks M22..
I actually texted the lady I went out with on Monday... she said she was pleasantly surprised to hear from me.. 

made me feel pretty good..... I have another date tomorrow night with a young 24 year old...... lol how the stbxw would die if she knew I was dating someone as young as my oldest daughter....


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

ha ha you just go and totally enjoy yourself  its so good your getting out and having a good time xx enjoy loads


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

humpty dumpty said:


> ha ha you just go and totally enjoy yourself  its so good your getting out and having a good time xx enjoy loads



thanks Humpty and M22..

I believe I have turned a corner for the better... I have such a positive attitude today I hope it lasts for a while... It can only get better from here on out....


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

That is so great to hear !!  i am so pleased for you keep with the positive attitude  YEAH !!!!!!! 
it will last as long as you let it .. your in control now well done


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

humpty dumpty said:


> That is so great to hear !!  i am so pleased for you keep with the positive attitude  YEAH !!!!!!!
> it will last as long as you let it .. your in control now well done


 you are so right..... its all up to me as to how happy I want to end up... Lord knows I wasnt always happy in my marriage...
now I can only blame myself...

thanks Humpty for all the encouragement...


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

lets keep with the happiness it feel so much better lol , This is your new begining enjoy every second . Its amazing how good you feel once your self esteem has been lifted.


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

humpty dumpty said:


> lets keep with the happiness it feel so much better lol , This is your new begining enjoy every second . Its amazing how good you feel once your self esteem has been lifted.


 you are so right... who would have thought one date with a wonderful woman would be enough to do it....I felt like I was on cloud 9 monday night... she listened to every word I said and laughed at my jokes... something that was gone the last few years of my marriage.... I felt alive again Humpty... 
I know now that I will be just fine.... Shoot I will be better than fine when this is done....


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## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

Great news skin.....very happy to hear you had a good time. You will soon put all the negative behind you and be on to a happier life. You deserve it after all you have been thru!!!


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## Sprite (Nov 3, 2008)




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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

mommy22 said:


> The great thing about it is can just have fun now. There's nothing serious. You can relax, go out. Go get 'em!!!



Well M22... I got stood up last night for my date 

yep the second time with this woman and the last time... It amazes me why some people just cant be honest.. if she didnt want to go out she never should have agreed in the first place... oh well it was definetely her loss....

I have pretty much finished the property settlement and will be getting it signed on Tuesday...... So today is kind of a depressing day for me... knowing that I will be giving up my house the one I did so much work on making it a "home" for my family.. Making it some place my wife and girls would be proud to live.. What hurts the most is knowing that some f-ing loser will be enjoying it now while I continue to live in my brothers basement....

I often wonder if I ever cross her mind when she is there with him... I know I would find it difficult to have someone else in my home that I shared with my family.... I dont know though she is not the same woman who at one time might have cared about that.... I think now all she wants to do is get the house so she can start her life with him....

I feel so replaced... its almost like 15 years erased from my life and me from hers... I guess it will be nice to get this done and over with I can start to save some money and look forward to buying a house that will have no memories of her and our life together.......


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

mommy22 said:


> As for her being able to share your home with someone else--- well, she's more than proven how heartless she is already.
> 
> Just remember: not everyone is like her. You're not like her. There are also many women not like her. Like the others said, she did you a favor.
> 
> As for the house, if you felt it was the right thing to do in letting it go, maybe it was for the best. I wouldn't want to be in that house anymore. You'll soon be ready for a new place to make much better memories.


M22.. Thanks as always for your words of encouragement.. 
sometimes you know just what to say to ease the pain some....To be honest i didnt want to give up my house....but in reality I could never afford it myself and this way I will get to keep my entire 401k plan...  which has actually been making money.....Another thing that hurts are all the lies, even to this day she continues to lie to me.. I asked her about him staying at the house... she flat out denied he had ever been there. I know better I drove by last weekend and he was there. 

I guess I am starting to really see that you all maybe right that in the end i will be better off without her.....its hard though i try and trick my mind to not think of her and for the most part it works but then there are the times it doesnt and I cant get her out of my thoughts...... As for the date well she never answered her phone or returned my calls...... no excuse given just the blowoff..... lol.. its ok i wont let this affect me any I know once I feel better i will make time to get out and about.. 

thanks again for being M22.... your a true friend !!


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

skinman said:


> I guess I am starting to really see that you all maybe right that in the end i will be better off without her.....


Geeeeeeez! You seem to take quite a bit of convincing:



skinman said:


> Even in the beginning of our marriage... I guess I always had hoped it would be different that she loved me as much as I loved her... maybe at one point she did... I dont know but tehre were signs even when we dated 25 years ago... at one point she tried to extort 500$ from me for a fake abortion...its funny how you foget all that stuff when your in love.....


Fake abortions? And that was at the beginning of your relationship. If it had been me (and most other guys), there would not have been so many years elapsing between the beginning ant the end. Like 3 weeks would have been plenty.



skinman said:


> *its funny how you foget all that stuff when your in love...*


I'm not sure about your definition of the word love in that sentence.

On a happier note...
I do hope you get "back on your horse" soon, and go on plenty more dates. I think one thing that stands out is that maybe you need to experiment with trying different types of women - Women you would normally not look at because you don't think they're your type. Women are so varied and delightful and you can't always judge a book by it's cover.


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

MT.. you know your right I do take a lot of convincing for some things. I have always wanted to give people the benefit of doubt. As for the abortion thing with my stbxw that occured during our teenage years and I chose to overlook it as inmaturity on her part. Was I wrong in doing so ? I'm not sure I like to think that some people are capable of change. You mentioned earlier that people dont change or rarely change. I for one disagree with you. I have changed drasticly because of what has happened to me. I have learned from my mistakes I made during my marriage sadly its to late for this one but hopefully if i get the chance again I will be better prepared to make it work.

I have learned where I failed my wife and where my wife failed me. I allowed myself to be taken advantage of and to be disrespected. On the other hand I was often distant with my wife never sharing my true feelings with her always striving to keep the status qou. That is where I failed. I told my wife daily how much I loved her yet I failed in really showing her the love I felt. I held resentments towards her instead of telling her how I truly felt. I got comfortable in the fact that she would never leave me I should have loved her like she could have left at any moment. I took her for granted even when I was miserable I stayed for my family. I owed them that much, She was the one that bailed and blamed her unhappiness on me. I know now that it wasn't me that made her unhappy it was within herself.

I have done work to make myself a better person a better father. Yet she has done nothing and jumped right into another relationship which I know will fail. Does that make me happy I dont know, I would like to believe that I am a better person than that and would be able to wish her the best even though she has caused me so much pain and grief. I still care enough about her to want her to be happy.. Would she wish me the same I dont know and at this point I dont care my happiness lies withinh myself and not from someone else. If I end up not being happy its my own fault not my wifes or anyone else's.

So to say that people rarely change is a broad statement.. If you want to change you can change.. I have changed, some things for the worse and some for the better but each day I strive to be the best person I can.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

skinman said:


> So to say that people rarely change is a broad statement.. If you want to change you can change.. I have changed, some things for the worse and some for the better but each day I strive to be the best person I can.


Dramatic change for the better is rare. I am one of the lucky ones. I was in the gutter at age 13, yet somehow I climbed out of it. Having been through that I realised just how blessed I was, in that the downward spiral is a one-way ticket for a lot of people.

In your case, it's true that your view-points are shifting. But that is the beginning of change. After that it has to become cemented. The test will come in how you actually conduct your life when the next relationship comes along. Of course that could be with your wife or a new gal. It makes no difference. Once you have changed inside, you can never relate to others in the way that you used to. In my case, I lost all my druggie friends, and developed new ones.

From the way you tell it, the selfishness that led your wife to blackmail you over the fake abortion when you were both young, has never really left her. Her destructiveness needed a target, and you chose to consistently be that target for her by living in constant denial. 

It only takes one person to stop the dynamic, and the result is instantaneous once the truth is seen and acted on.


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## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

Sorry about how your date treated you Skin....but all women aren't like that. Don't get discouraged. We've all had that happen before in the dating scene. Some people are just rude and do that rather than being honest and just requesting that you be only friends.


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> Dramatic change for the better is rare. I am one of the lucky ones. I was in the gutter at age 13, yet somehow I climbed out of it. Having been through that I realised just how blessed I was, in that the downward spiral is a one-way ticket for a lot of people.
> 
> In your case, it's true that your view-points are shifting. But that is the beginning of change. After that it has to become cemented. The test will come in how you actually conduct your life when the next relationship comes along. Of course that could be with your wife or a new gal. It makes no difference. Once you have changed inside, you can never relate to others in the way that you used to. In my case, I lost all my druggie friends, and developed new ones.
> 
> ...


Well MT...in my case I dont believe that drastic change was required.. I don't have the demons that you were plagued with. I would say in my case I needed to learn to be more aware of my actions and lack of which I believe I have. You are right the real test will be when I get into another relationship to see if the changes do indeed stick. I would like to think that I am much better equiped to deal with my emotions and feelings than before.

as for this statement there is truth to what you have said...

_From the way you tell it, the selfishness that led your wife to blackmail you over the fake abortion when you were both young, has never really left her. Her destructiveness needed a target, and you chose to consistently be that target for her by living in constant denial._


I was living in denial but the signs weren't always there.. at times she would show the true self that I have grown to know since this has happened but I wrote it off as the situation that warranted it... You learn from your mistakes.. My stbxw wasn't always a bad person but she does hold many demons of her own... the sexual abuse that she had as a child, her dysfunctional family growing up and to top it off her fathers suicide that he blamed her for.. She has never received any counseling for these issues.... Can I say that I am glad she is gone... No I cant.. I grew to love my wife issue's and all... Does that mean I have issue's because I cared for someone as messed up as her probably so... I would like to think that I am more informed now and will make a better decision on my next partner..

unlike her I wont be jumping into another relationship so soon...she has done nothing to better herself during this time.. she saw me as her problem... never once looking within... I almost pity her........


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

skinman said:


> unlike her I wont be jumping into another relationship so soon...she has done nothing to better herself during this time.. she saw me as her problem... never once looking within... I almost pity her........


When I said keep dating, I meant get some practise in with being around women. It need not go anywhere, but it will do you good to meet as many different types as you can.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

skinman said:


> Well MT...in my case I dont believe that drastic change was required.. I don't have the demons that you were plagued with.


Hmmm. I think you underestimate what you are going through. In any case, there is no known limit to self-development. 

As for me, I never felt "plagued by demons". I was simply living wildly with no-one to look after me from the age of 13. Sometimes I fell into traps. Sometimes I didn't.


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> Hmmm. I think you underestimate what you are going through. In any case, there is no known limit to self-development.
> 
> As for me, I never felt "plagued by demons". I was simply living wildly with no-one to looking after me from the age of 13. Sometimes I fell into traps. Sometimes I didn't.


Well Your right and I dont think I underestimate what i am going through... Yes my wife has left me with scars, she has left me with self doubt and self esteem issues but like you said there is no limits to looking within.. I think I have done just that and realized that I could have done better in picking my partner plus the way I interacted with her...

If I could go back and do it all over differently..... I dont think I would change a thing......I was blessed with a great daughter and I will learn from this lesson that God has put before me....


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Hello everyone..to all my online friends... I wanted to let you know that I signed away my house last night... It was the hardest thing I have done in a a long time... Something I worked so hard for for so many years, did so many tings to improve it mske it something to be proud of i gave it to my piece of **** wife...... she has already replaced me in my bed and in her life so why not take everything that mattered to me..

I guess i feel a sense of relief..but also a sense of great sorrow.. when we sat at the bank signing the papers there was total silence... Here is someone wom I have loved and cherished for most of my life... only to be ignored... somone with whom I had so much to say but couldn't or didnt want to say.. so many thoughts going through my head knowing all along that when we were done she would be going to see him...

Now I am left to pick up the pieces of my life... will it be better I sure hope so but only time will tell... I still love my wife no matter what she has done to me and my family.. in a way I pity her...knowing most likely she will never be truly happy.......
All my hopes and dreams walked out the door with her... Seeing so much that i have worked for only to be enjoyed by her and her friend.... Thats what hurt the most.. her cold and indifference to me was more than I could take... Still to this day i wonder how someone can turn off their feelings so easily... act like they never cared one bit......how could I have been such an ass and invested so much into a relationship that wasn't right only to lose everything that mattered to me....


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## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

Skin {hugsssssss} 

Thought you could use one. I am so sorry. I so know how you feel as most of these things I feel. It's really devastating to invest all these years into a person that you thought loved you as much as you did them. All of us wonder how our spouses could turn love off so easily and turn into the selfish and sometimes cruel people they become. I know there isn't much I can say to make you feel better right now because it's just another sad part of divorce. You will work thru it in your own time and in your own way. Please know that it won't always hurt this badly for you and in time you will overcome and replace the feelings with new and hopefully more happy memories. As always, you are in my prayers.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

skin, 
the thing you gotta get through is this:

you gotta admit to yourself that those great times were not so great. you loved this woman WAY more than a normal man can. you're superhuman. she is never going to get that kinda love anywhere else. you know, the kind where you'd take a bullet for her, give her your last breathe, that stuff.

go find an isolated hill somewhere out in the ted nugent wild...scream at the top of your lungs "i loved you so (blank) damned much...i know i didn't deserve to be treated this way...just like you don't deserve me!!!" let a few tears rip...they'll come. trust me.

there is no cure, save for a miraculous return by her. then if that happened, would you really trust your heart to her?


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

toomanytears said:


> Skin {hugsssssss}
> 
> Thought you could use one. I am so sorry. I so know how you feel as most of these things I feel. It's really devastating to invest all these years into a person that you thought loved you as much as you did them. All of us wonder how our spouses could turn love off so easily and turn into the selfish and sometimes cruel people they become. I know there isn't much I can say to make you feel better right now because it's just another sad part of divorce. You will work thru it in your own time and in your own way. Please know that it won't always hurt this badly for you and in time you will overcome and replace the feelings with new and hopefully more happy memories. As always, you are in my prayers.


Thank you toomanytears... 
I appreciate your kind but oh so true words.... I know as always there are more people who are less fortunate than myself yet all I can do is feel sorry for all that i have lost.. Like youreslf you are someone I should be crying for not myself and my sorry situation.. True empathy is for others that suffer more than yourself and you are right.. I will feel good again oneday and will have a home again.. Its someone like yourself that I should feel bad for.. I am so thankfull that you have come into my life to bring me true perspective on what really matters.. 

Dont take my words wrong I do feel for what you are going through with not only the divorce but your health problems... I have no right to feel sorry for my troubles when there are others who are less fortunate... Thank you for opening my eyes.. And as always your in my prayers too...

God bless...


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

voivod said:


> there is no cure, save for a miraculous return by her. then if that happened, would you really trust your heart to her?



Voivod...Thanks man I appreciate your kind words and I have told myself many times that she doesn't deserve the love that I feel for her in my heart..All the tears that I have shed for what.. to be treated like a homeless person who gets ignored daily...I could never take back the woman that she has become... The tears and love I feel are for the woman I no longer know but the one that haunts my memories......my dreams and my thoughts daily...

The really sad part is there will come a day when she wont matter at all to me......that is what hurts the most...


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## Sprite (Nov 3, 2008)

Just remember that there is something bigger and better than you have experienced yet out there for you in this world. It will take time, but you will find it. You will be a stronger human being and a better man for all you have gone through.

My opinion is...its just a house. Sure it was your home, but home is where the love is, and that was lost in that house. If you had kept it, it would just be a daily reminder to you. I have to tell you that this is one of the reason my H and I want to move. There are so many memories in this house we are in that I love, but way too many bad memories of things to stay here and REALLY move past everything WE have been through.

It will get better, but now that it is her house..DO NOT pay the mortgage for her, don't even lift your pinky to help her with that, no matter how badly you may want to help her at one point....do not give in to it


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Sprite said:


> Just remember that there is something bigger and better than you have experienced yet out there for you in this world. It will take time, but you will find it. You will be a stronger human being and a better man for all you have gone through.




Thank you Sprite...
and your right.. I will be a much better man when this is all over with. I have already become a better father and in time I will find someone again to share my life with... There is no rush I need to learn to be happy alone before I can be happy with someone. It is just a house... one that will always hold fond memories but also painful memories of our time together there. She will have to live with the ghosts of our life and be reminded daily of all that I had done to make it a home for us...

I would like to think that when she looks around she still see's me....... but who knows... she is not the woman with whom I fell in love with so it doesn't matter at all I guess...

Dont worry about me helping her with her bills...  that aint happening !!!!

Thanks again.....


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Wanted to update everyone on whats been going on this past week.... I have felt better than I have in a long time. Her grip on my emotions and thoughts are finally coming to an end... Its so liberating not being bothered by what she does or even who she does.... I havent talked with her in almost a week which has been a great feeling and it can only get better... There are so many things I am thankful for and those are were my priorities lie these days... My youngest daughter for one is such a blessing she brightens my day each morning with her phone call.. My oldest and my granddaughter are becoming a big part of my life again.... 

I still have a job, a roof over my head and starting to put away some money in the bank...I woke up this morning... that in itself is something to be thankful for... all the friends I have made on here are yet another reason... I have spent to much time worrying and crying over things that I have lost yet never taking the time to see all of the things I have gained... A new sense of freedom to choose what I do and with whom.....an opportunty to create the life that I want. I do still think of her every now and then and a moment of sadness comes over me...I wonder if I ever cross her mind in a happy way remembering something we had done together or some fun that we had.... I guess in time I wont even worry about that either.
Vacation this year will be difficult.. we always planned for a couple trips each summer to the beach, or some other place but not this year. The places we enjoyed going to will never be the same and that hurts....But now I have the chance to see new places and make those mine and my girls places without her...

Divorce sucks.....plain and simple.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

when the anxiety that goes along with making her happy goes away, my brother, that's when you'll feel relief...prayers to the lord for you my friend...


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Well everyone finished reading the book Divorce Busting.. I have to say I have done everything wrong by the book.. The past few days I was feeling good and looking forward to an unknown future.. Now I am filled with doubts and worries whether or not to have hope or let go and move on..... My emotions have gotten the best of me a few times here for no reason... I feel that I have regressed in a sense not knowing what I want anymore or what my life direction should be.... I feel like we were meant to be together yet I have to let her go and thats something I am not prepared to do just yet... How come its so easy for her to replace me and be so happy while i continue too feel like crap and miss her.... I dont know what to do anymore... 

I haven't talked with her in almost a week and was hoping that would help but it hasn't... All I do know is rehash in my mind what she could be doing or whom she may be doing... Damn I wish this would end soon...


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

Hey you  
your allowed to have emotions , your allowed to feel sad at times as long as you dont forget that your allowed to be happy to . you shared your life with her and so you are bound to miss that!! but truly to yourself she really doesnt deserve you anymore .. you deserve so much more .. take care chin up and think positive ..we are all rooting for you xx hugs


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

humpty dumpty said:


> Hey you
> your allowed to have emotions , your allowed to feel sad at times as long as you dont forget that your allowed to be happy to . you shared your life with her and so you are bound to miss that!! but truly to yourself she really doesnt deserve you anymore .. you deserve so much more .. take care chin up and think positive ..we are all rooting for you xx hugs



Thanks Humpty...

I feel so lost and directionless these past few days and I dont know why...I guess seeing her on Mothers Day was tougher on me than I thought it would be.... I have been thinking alot about Karma lately... wondering what I could have done to deserve this... Where did I go wrong for all this to be happening to me... Everytime I see her she looks so happy to have me out of her life... Like she has found the soulmate that I thought I was....


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

you never know whats really going on behind her smile !! im sure she has days to when she thinks the same .. 
What you need to do is remain positive  you will be ok , your stronger then you realize .. you are in control of your direction and your future !!! you may have made mistakes in the past ..but dont we all, crikey i know i have!! learn from them and make your future a happy one


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## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

Hey Skin....I've had a bad week too but determined to dust myself off and move forward! I tell myself that the spouse that gets screwed always feels this way and it takes a whole lotta time to get past it. You are allowed to have bad days. I have just made myself remember all the bad stuff that was done to me in order to cope.


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

mommy22 said:


> I have never read Divorce Busters, but I'm sure of one thing: You have done your best to make this work. You can't allow yourself to feel guilt anymore. She left. You stayed right there and waited. She had made up her mind. The ball has been in her court for awhile.
> 
> You haven't gone anywhere. Just keep your chin up.


M22..
thanks I have been trying to keep my chin up.. knowing that I have tried and wanted to work on things doesn't take away the hurt... I thought the NC would help but it hasnt... all it has done is get my mind all out of whack thinking and wondering about the what ifs and all.. I guess I feel so alone maybe thats why I am this way lately... Knowing that she has her friend to comfort her and I have knowone....... makes things even harder


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

you have all of us !!! keep your chin up  phone a friend and go out for the night ! just think back to what you have been through !! do you really need her ? shes not the person you fell in love with . you deserve more


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Thanks Gals..  I appreciate you all being here for me.. If I could hug you all I would.....And you all are so right .. she doesn'r deserve me and she is no longer the woman I fell in love with and married....... I will be happy again... as with everything it will take time.. thanks for the offer M22... I have read so much lately about bettering myself, forgiveness, the laws of attraction you name it I have probably read something about it.... I guess it all started when she asked me to watch my dog while she goes away for the weekend to the beach... i know it will be with him and it got me missing all the things we used to do... But you all are right... she is not someone I need or should want in my life...

thank you all for trying to cheer me up...


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

hey you are a good guy  keep with the smiles they suit you


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## Sprite (Nov 3, 2008)

skinman said:


> Wanted to update everyone on whats been going on this past week.... I have felt better than I have in a long time. Her grip on my emotions and thoughts are finally coming to an end... Its so liberating not being bothered by what she does or even who she does.... I havent talked with her in almost a week which has been a great feeling and it can only get better... There are so many things I am thankful for and those are were my priorities lie these days... My youngest daughter for one is such a blessing she brightens my day each morning with her phone call.. My oldest and my granddaughter are becoming a big part of my life again....
> 
> I still have a job, a roof over my head and starting to put away some money in the bank...I woke up this morning... that in itself is something to be thankful for... all the friends I have made on here are yet another reason... I have spent to much time worrying and crying over things that I have lost yet never taking the time to see all of the things I have gained... A new sense of freedom to choose what I do and with whom.....an opportunty to create the life that I want. I do still think of her every now and then and a moment of sadness comes over me...I wonder if I ever cross her mind in a happy way remembering something we had done together or some fun that we had.... I guess in time I wont even worry about that either.
> Vacation this year will be difficult.. we always planned for a couple trips each summer to the beach, or some other place but not this year. The places we enjoyed going to will never be the same and that hurts....But now I have the chance to see new places and make those mine and my girls places without her...
> ...


Thats what Im talking about!!! You should wake up every morning and tell yourself these possitive things 

I think you are thinking a little wrong on the Karma idea. Spin it the other way. It's not about YOUR Karma, its about hers. I do believe in Karma! You will get what you deserve in the end(you will find happiness with someone who deserves you, and your heart will be full), and so will she(she will end up alone, and her heart will be empty). It just happens to be one of the tasks you were asked to do while here on this earth


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## Sprite (Nov 3, 2008)

mommy22 said:


> I refer to it as stupidity coming back to bite you in the butt!!!


:iagree:


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Sprite said:


> :iagree:



Yes I agree but it does make me wonder what I did to deserve this....Where did I go wrong and who did I screw over to get to this point..... Sadly I belive in Karma too... My first wife screwed around on me and I caught her... well she ended up passing away years later..... Was that Karma ? or just plain bad luck..... I hate to think that it was Karma.... 

I dont want to see anything bad happen to her stbxw... I want her to hurt like I have but nothing serious... I would like to think I am better than that... i have tried to forgive her and understand her motives... but its still hard....... and it still hurts... Thats all I want is the hurt to go away... ai want to be indifferent and not care what happens to her without the anger and bitterness I feel....

Back in the day I wasn't always so nice to women.. I can admit that I used them as playthings and never really caring about their feelings... Is this what I get for finally caring... A taste of my own medicine....


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## Sprite (Nov 3, 2008)

I was spinning it so the stupidity part his HER part, not yours. 

Not everything that happens in life is Karma related. Life is life and it has a mind of its own sometimes. Just because you are having bad time of things right now doesn't mean you did something to deserve it. It is teaching you a lesson that you might not understand for another 5 years or so...does that make any sense? You are learning a lesson that you will remember in the future and be able to handle things or do things differently than you have in the past because of this lesson you have learned. Ugh, I am having a really hard time putting my thought on this into words, I'm sorry.


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Sprite said:


> I was spinning it so the stupidity part his HER part, not yours.
> 
> Not everything that happens in life is Karma related. Life is life and it has a mind of its own sometimes. Just because you are having bad time of things right now doesn't mean you did something to deserve it. It is teaching you a lesson that you might not understand for another 5 years or so...does that make any sense? You are learning a lesson that you will remember in the future and be able to handle things or do things differently than you have in the past because of this lesson you have learned. Ugh, I am having a really hard time putting my thought on this into words, I'm sorry.


dont be sorry Sprite 
I know what your trying to say... And i have learned a great deal in these 6 months... I learned that I need to be more open and communicative... I need to love myself more and put my needs before others....I learned to never take anyone for granted.... To love them like they can leave at any moment, I need to become more confident in myself... So I have learned a lot from this and I am still learning.....Hopefully one day I will have someone to use my new lessons on... If not that will be ok...... Life will go on... no matter what !!


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## Sprite (Nov 3, 2008)

I guess my point is that you needed to learn these lessons for a future relationship..so that it can become something far better than anything you ever imagined. Kind of like a "warm up" session. 

Maybe I am in just too much of a "things happen for a reason" mentality today...lol. But I am becoming the type of person that tries to find the good in every situation. Even tho we may not see it right away, or even realize it has happened, but eventually something good comes out of what we learn and the hardships we have in our lives.


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Sprite said:


> Maybe I am in just too much of a "things happen for a reason" mentality today...lol. But I am becoming the type of person that tries to find the good in every situation. Even tho we may not see it right away, or even realize it has happened, but eventually something good comes out of what we learn and the hardships we have in our lives.


I agree... 
hopefully something good will come from all of this and I will find someone to make me happy.. As you I believe things happen for a reason even though we dont see why but eventually we will....
so keep your fingers crossed for me that oneday i will find someone....


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## Sprite (Nov 3, 2008)

My fingers are definatley crossed for you  I hope she is more happiness for you than you can handle....hehehe


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

mommy22 said:


> Once again, Sprite is on it. You should write a book, Sprite! LOL.
> In all seriousness,Skinman, do you remember when I said you never know what the future holds? It's so true. None of us knows what tomorrow may bring. This experience may take you into a new relationship where you are a new and improved man. The "time of your life" may be just around the corner. In the meantime, seize today. Oh, and if you haven't yet seen the movie "Yes Man" starring Jim Carrey (Sp?) you'd really appreciate it. I laughed my butt off. --Yes that was completely random, but I think you'd like it. (It's the adult ADD)



Thank you M22 and Sprite 

And yes I remember you saying that... But your right we are not guaranteed a tomorrow and I have been trying to live each day as if it was my last... some are good and some aren't but they are what they are... I do know this, if someone does come into my life again I will be better prepared than I was last time...My stbxw has taught me a lot about what I want and dont want from a relationship and I wish I knew then what I know now...... but sadly its to late for "what if's".. I appreciate both of you ladies....actually all of you that offer encouragement and support... if I could find someone half as compassionate as you all.... I would then be a HAPPY man....

My life is what I want to make of it at this point... there aren't many things holding me back now from realy doing what I want... if I only knew what that was... I have entertained the idea of going back to school... or starting my own business... who knows the possibilities are endless.... and thanks for the movie tip.. I will have to check that one out...

thanks again and God bless you all.......

Skin.......

BTW...I forgot to mention.. I am seeing the professor again tonight


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

im glad your getting out !!
i think going back to school is a fantastic idea learn something new and exciting !!


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Skinman, I understand exactly what you're going through! 

My gf dumped me in March and in April married her neighbor! Shocked the living heck out of me!! 

She pulled away from me last December and wouldn't tell me why (I think that's when they got engaged). But she had to have been seeing him while still coming home to me for sex. 

She had cheated on me once before (couple of years ago) and learned not to see two men at the same time. Or so she said. 

We were planning a life together and seemingly out of the blue, this! I lost (what I thought was) my best friend and will never know why. It's a feeling of betrayal in my chest and heart. 

I'm taking it one day at a time and you will have to do the same thing. Breathe in, breathe out. Repeat as needed.  

It still hurts and will likely take months to get over. Sometimes my heart races. I try to stay busy with anything. I talk with my (grown) kids a lot more. 

I can't forget her. Nor can I forgive her (yet). But I will go on. Just hang in there buddy!


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## Sprite (Nov 3, 2008)

mommy22 said:


> Once again, Sprite is on it. You should write a book, Sprite! LOL.


Funny you should mention that....it's been a life long dream of mine. One of those "things to do before I die"...lol.:rofl:


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## Sprite (Nov 3, 2008)

skinman said:


> btw...i forgot to mention.. I am seeing the professor again tonight


ooh la la!


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## Sprite (Nov 3, 2008)

dcrim, I am so sorry to hear that. I can't imagine your pain. That was just down right mean and cold of her. But you seem to have the right attitude  You hang in there too!


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Sprite said:


> ooh la la!


 thanks Sprite...

we had a real good time last time.. We sat outside and enjoyed a few beers along with dinner.. walked around downtown and ended getting desert before calling it a night....It felt good to laugh and enjoy the conversation... something I haven't done in a long time...


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## Sprite (Nov 3, 2008)

She actually made you laugh? Thats important


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Sprite said:


> She actually made you laugh? Thats important


yes she has a great sense of humor... something the stbxw didn't have...  I even had her laughing... and the best part it wasn't at me but with me... :rofl:

the conversation was even stimulating.. and very entertaining


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

mommy22 said:


> Wait a minute! Is this the woman you THOUGHT stood you up last time? So she was into you, after all!! Told ya!!


no this was the college professor  the one that stood me up I saw the other day... she ignored me and couldn't look me in the eye ... her loss beliveve me.. This is the one that I met online.. interesting story she is a professor but also a screen writer and she was doing research and I answered her add... well she was impressed with my writing and decided to meet me... seems she enjoys my company and I enjoy hers.... not sure if there is any romantic interest on my part but its nice to be getting out and getting comfortable again with a woman !!!


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

glad to hear your getting out !! well done ..its good just to meet new people relax and enjoy


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Thank you, Sprite. I've posted in a couple other forums I belong to and emailed several of my friends and everyone says exactly that, too.

I didn't mean to hijack the thread. But did feel a need to get some of it out. I am posting elsewhere in this forum, but snippets, not the entire story. After posting in other forums, I just didn't feel like making 3 copies of the same set of posts. If you'd like to read them, PM me and I'll tell you where those forums are. 

I'm just trying to get the poison out of my system by posting. It is helping, too. 

She never said a single word to me about any of this. I accidently found her wedding pix on her kitchen table! As recently as 3 days before her wedding, she went me to get my car inspected (for new plates). Not a peep. 

So, it's one day at a time. Drinking only a couple of fingers of rum, not the whole bottle!  Getting back to normal. And I found that a half tab of xanax, on occasion, helps calm me down when my heart races. 

I've talked to my (grown) kids more lately, too. That has helped because I don't know anyone here (moved across country to be with her and planned to eventually get married...sigh.  ) Obviously she wasn't "the one".


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Thanks, M22. It was wrong...not even the common decency to break up first. In retrospect, the hints were there, but I didn't recognize them for what they were at the time. 

I'm really sorry about the hijacking...just needed to vent. Sorry, Skinman! Hang in there, dude! I am trying to do so too.


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

mommy22 said:


> Oh, and Skinman, make sure this woman has some money. You need someone to take care of you for a change! Just kidding....maybe.
> 
> Glad to hear you had a great time!!


:smthumbup: Thanks M22..

actually I think she is pretty well off.. she lives in a gated private golf course community and she drives a slick little Mercedes convertible...
I am sure she is doing well being a professor at a local university.. So who knows maybe things are looking up for ole skin......

Ahh.. I'm not out for anyone's money M22... i know you were only kidding beside I am a hard working man and I am looking forward to the new challenge ahead of rebuilding my life and buying another home that will be all mine.... All mine 

I gave her a headstart by giving her the house... but you know I am ok with that I know my daughter has a nice place to live and oneday so will I ...... beside half the fun is working towards it and knowing when all is said and done I did it by myself !!! She can never say that...... I have been trying to really forgive her M22.. I know we have chatted about that being mostly for myself and I think with each day I am a little closer to being able to do that and to almost wish her well in life.....The more I look back and reflect on things I can see that she is a damaged woman and will continue to seek out her happiness within other people.... I will most likely always love her and one day I will thank her for the lessons that she has taught me that I needed to learn...

It still makes me sad and almost sorry for her seeing how easily she jumped into another relationship without fully healing.......

I will say this... I look forward to the day her world comes tumbling down... then I can honestly say that it wasn't me.....


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

mommy22 said:


> The money thing was completely a joke. It would be manipulative and deceitful and we all know it doesn't buy happiness.
> 
> Just having fun with the situation. I'm so glad you were able to have such a nice time.
> 
> As for your ex's world tumbling down. The pieces will fall.


:smthumbup: Well I can only hope M22... I haven't talked with her since last week.. its been nice...... and hard at the same time.... I really miss her voice on the phone..... she always sounded so sweet when we got along....Sadly I can almost forget her face.... But the sound of her voice is something I am finding harder to forget..... the way she said "honey" if I close my eyes I can hear it plain as day...... I wonder what she calls him. 


other than that things have been looking up lately.. almost had 2 dates tonight  luckily one had to work late and wont be able to make it.... Here I have gone 6 months without female companionship and now I have more than I want...
maybe I sgould get a part time job...all this attention I am not used too....


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

mommy22 said:


> Sounds like you'd better get used to it!


 Thanks M22...

well just got back from my date... Wow.. let me tell you this online dating stuff is a little more than scary.. I had a nice dinner with a woman who could have been as old as my mom  her picture must have been 10 years old.... lol Since dinner she has called me 3 times and I have a bad feeling to say the least about this one..... I kind if felt sorry for her she told me she has to have surgery on Monday for possibly lung cancer...  they aren;t sure... But see there goes my heart again taking over instead of my head.. I should have just told her I wasnt interested but now I am afraid she has gotten the wrong impression... Oh boy !!! maybe I am not ready for this just yet !!


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Skinman, just tell her you wish her well in her search. Simple.


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## medium49 (May 13, 2009)

I can really sympathize with you. my hubby and i are staying together "working" on the marriage, for a few more months. all the while he is talking on the phone with a lady he met online. for a while he was talking with her every single day for at least 30 minutes, plus lots of texts throughout the day. when i confronted him about this, he told me he loves me but is not in love with me any more and wants a divorce. after 32 years of marriage, i pleaded with him to stay for a while and work on the marriage with me and he agreed. I promised to give him space, but it is driving me crazy knowing he is in contact with her all the time. even though he swears it is only friendship.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Skinman, I'm on plenty of fish (among others). Just looking to see what there is. 

They also have a forum. I don't remember the particular one, but I've read that to not get further involved, just say as I mentioned before. If they persist, block their email and phone...sigh... sometimes it's a sad fact of life that you have to do that. 

No one on a dating site expects mr/mrs perfect. And certainly not on the first date. It will take time, but time well invested. I'm not exactly ready for a new relationship, but I can at least see where I could be. I might even meet a new friend, someone who could become a partner. 

Hang in there, dude. Just keep going day by day. That's what's working for me.


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## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

Yep Skin, gotta just tell em...that is the best policy. I can't even think about dating right now but then again my breakup is still pretty fresh.


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

thanks everyone for your input... I guess you all are right I should be honest and tell her there was no spark or attraction... The problem I am having was listening to her story of her health problems and how scared she was with the procedure she is having this week.... I felt sorry for her and didnt want to add anymore pressure or feelings of rejection on top of everything else in her life... Is that being selfish and heartless I dont know I dont want to hurt her anymore than necessary....

Maybe I am not ready for this dating stuff yet... it was nice to get out but also it didnt feel right... Maybe i should just keep working on myself and getting to that point of being comfortable around other women......Last night was a rough night the dreams of the stbxw came with a fury... I had 2 of them that woke me up both times and left me feeling like crap..
Both had her and her new friend in them which made them seem so real and left me feeling worthless and rejected again........

Just when you start feeling better something like this happens and brings the reality of the situation back in the front of your mind....I still look forward to the day that something small like a dream wont affect me or a song on the radio will make me smile and remember the good times we had and not the pain of the ending...... Here its been close to 7 months now and I still feel like crap some days..... What would have been our anniversary is coming up in a few days and i am not sure how that day will affect me..... I will try and see it as any other day but deep down i know it wont be. I know I will be the only one thinking about what that day meant at one time....... That in itself makes me sad........


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

skinman said:


> thanks everyone for your input... I guess you all are right I should be honest and tell her there was no spark or attraction... The problem I am having was listening to her story of her health problems and how scared she was with the procedure she is having this week.... I felt sorry for her and didnt want to add anymore pressure or feelings of rejection on top of everything else in her life... Is that being selfish and heartless I dont know I dont want to hurt her anymore than necessary....


The fact that you are finding it hard to date, and hard to know where to draw your boundaries tells me you should date more not less. Maybe you need a challenge; it might toughen you.

Of course it seems messy trying to be kind to this lady and at the same time keeping your distance. But life is messy. You could tell her you don't feel romantic towards her, but you are happy to continue meeting for coffee - if that's what you want. If I were about to have a lung operation, and I lived alone I would like a fiend of the opposite sex. Just a though.

It reminds me of Matthew 25 v35 - v40



Jesus (King James version) said:


> *35* For I was an hungered, and ye gave me meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me drink: I was a stranger, and ye took me in: *36* Naked, and ye clothed me: I was sick, and ye visited me: I was in prison, and ye came unto me. *37 *Then shall the righteous answer him, saying, Lord, when saw we thee an hungred, and fed thee? or thirsty, and gave thee drink? *38* When saw we thee a stranger, and took thee in? or naked, and clothed thee? *39* Or when saw we thee sick, or in prison, and came unto thee? *40* And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.


Or there is Hebrews 13:2...

"Be not forgetful to entertain strangers: for thereby some have entertained angels unawares."

Having said all that, don't get involved with a nut-job and don't be a doormat. Just my ramblings...


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Thanks MT...

I broke it to her gently like you suggested.. even offered to be friends with her if she wanted... She didnt seem to thrilled at the idea but i tried... I am getting a little more comfortable with this dating stuff... Been chatting with another lady and will probably meet her for coffee or a beer one night next week.. For the most part i have been feeling pretty good... Walking around with a big smile and trying to get more comfortable talking with strangers... Spoke with the stbxw the other day.... WOW.. that is one bitter woman and the lies continue.. I told her I have no respect for her because of her lies......of course she denied ever lying....it amazes me the length that she will go to to still try and cover her arse...the only thing worse than a lier is a cheater and she is both...

My anniversary is coming up on sunday... I have decided to spend it alone.. I will get a bottle and have couple toasts.... The 1st one to the good times in my marriage... we had a bunch.. the 2nd will for the daughter she blessed me with... and the 3rd & 4th will be to her new man for taking away my problem !!! I can clearly now that in the end I will be so much better off and probably much happier....... With her i would have died at an early age !!


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## linliltree (May 19, 2009)

Don't give up. Give her space and take this time to get yourself together spiritually and emotionally. Write down all of your emotions and how you are feeling and just before you go to bed tonight... present them to God and ask him to repair all that is broken. Pray for her and ask him to also heal her emotionally and spiritually.

He is a healer! I know from experience.

Be blessed.


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

linliltree said:


> Don't give up. Give her space and take this time to get yourself together spiritually and emotionally. Write down all of your emotions and how you are feeling and just before you go to bed tonight... present them to God and ask him to repair all that is broken. Pray for her and ask him to also heal her emotionally and spiritually.
> 
> He is a healer! I know from experience.
> 
> Be blessed.


Thank you linliltree,

Sadly I have given up... My wife has made it clear that we are through and she has found someone else... I do pray for her and myself but she has chosen this path and broke our vows... There is no way I would take her back at this point... I deserve better than what I have had the past 15 years !!!


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Today is my 16th Anniversary... Usually a happy day in most marriages yet I find no happiness at all today.....All I find is sadness and regrets... I woke up alone to face the day, while she woke up in the arms of her boyfriend....I wonder if she even realizes what today is..? will it cross her mind ? I dont know but I somehow doubt it will...I have dreaded this day for sometime... not really knowng what to expect or how I would feel, but now that is here I am struggling to make it through.

A day that brought so much pleasure and good memories for so long will now always be a day of dread....A day that will always be remembered but wont ever feel the same again. I remember this day last year.. We had a fantastic dinner at a fancy restaurant and she had brought desert, a blanket and some wine.... We ate our desert at a secluded spot and then made love on the blanket..... We felt so close that day like nothing could come between us and now look where we are....... I am alone and she is with him........


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Skinman, I know what it feels like! Just hang in there! 

I know it hurts! A LOT. Stay with us, dude. Please. 

I have had the same thoughts, feelings. You will never forget, probably never forgive, either. Just stay with us.


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

dcrim said:


> Skinman, I know what it feels like! Just hang in there!
> 
> I know it hurts! A LOT. Stay with us, dude. Please.
> 
> I have had the same thoughts, feelings. You will never forget, probably never forgive, either. Just stay with us.


Thanks Dcrim,

I'm not going anywhere buddy... I guess I was just reflecting on what was instead of what is.... Wondering if its only me that realizes what today is...I guess being alone sometimes you tend to dwell and feel sorry for yourself .. well thats what I was doing.. I should be out cutting the grass instead of siting here reflecting on my marriage even though its over.. Thanks man.. Sorry to read what you have gone through yourself......You know the saying "what doesn't kill us makes us stronger"

by the end of this I will be pretty darn strong.... Take care


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

skinman said:


> Sadly I have given up... My wife has made it clear that we are through and she has found someone else... I do pray for her and myself but she has chosen this path and broke our vows... There is no way I would take her back at this point... I deserve better than what I have had the past 15 years !!!


Even if she wanted you back, and you went for it, you would need to complete the process of becoming firmer before you got back with her, or history would just repeat. My guess is you're better off with things as they are. I feel sorry for her new b/f though. Is he a tough guy?

Dude, enjoy the fresh start - you've earned it


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> Even if she wanted you back, and you went for it, you would need to complete the process of becoming firmer before you got back with her, or history would just repeat. My guess is you're better off with things as they are. I feel sorry for her new b/f though. Is he a tough guy?
> 
> Dude, enjoy the fresh start - you've earned it


thanks MT,

you know your right friend... I have put forth enough effort to try and save what we had...... As for her B/F who knows.. never seen the guy but I know he exists... Each Day I get stronger but today was just a sad day of reflecting on what we had at one time and the good moments from our marriage....Tomorrow will be different it will be back to moving forward. I have 2 dates lined up this week. Better days are ahead ......


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## trish0603 (May 17, 2009)

I am presently going through the same thing. It's been a month now and only two weeks since I left. The coldness and hate he shows toward me is devastating. I begged him to rethink what he was doing because we have a 17 month old but it got worse after that. I asked him to at least talk to me decent without yelling at me and couldn't do that, he was the one that wanted this but he still treats me so bad. I can't help but think he is involved with someone but actually I don't think I want to know. It's hard any way you look at it and I've been with this man for 9 years on and off but never has he treated with such disrespect. I would like to know how is your situation now and it things got better or even if you two got back together?


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## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

Hey Skin.....mine was a rough day too, just a few days ahead of yours and I felt the same way too. You can't help but reflect and be sad. I got past it and you will too...at least as past it as possible.


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## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

skinman said:


> Today is my 16th Anniversary... Usually a happy day in most marriages yet I find no happiness at all today.....All I find is sadness and regrets... I woke up alone to face the day, while she woke up in the arms of her boyfriend....I wonder if she even realizes what today is..? will it cross her mind ? I dont know but I somehow doubt it will...I have dreaded this day for sometime... not really knowng what to expect or how I would feel, but now that is here I am struggling to make it through.
> 
> A day that brought so much pleasure and good memories for so long will now always be a day of dread....A day that will always be remembered but wont ever feel the same again. I remember this day last year.. We had a fantastic dinner at a fancy restaurant and she had brought desert, a blanket and some wine.... We ate our desert at a secluded spot and then made love on the blanket..... We felt so close that day like nothing could come between us and now look where we are....... I am alone and she is with him........



I just celebrated my 16th wedding anniversary all by myself as well Skinman. It was on Monday memorial day, my wife had the girls and I had my son. According to my girls she acted like it was just another day, told my 8 year old that is was not our anniversary any more. It is amazing how she acts I just cannot believe I married this person, she is a beautiful women on the outside but not one on the inside. I know I keep saying that I will call so we can talk, I will, I am just trying to get through the days. Sorry about your day I know how you felt!

Your friend

Sportsman


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## medium49 (May 13, 2009)

my marriage lasted 32 years and now he doesn't want to be married any more. wants to start over at the age of 61. i'm sure he will end up with some cutie half his age and i will be devastated even more than I am now. not looking forward to that day. now we are still in the same house, but separated. problem is, he still looks like the wonderful guy I used to be married to, but has changed so much that when he talks i hardly recognize him. it's just so hard. can't move on with my life as long as we are in this state of limbo, but the loneliness is sometimes unbearable.


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## medium49 (May 13, 2009)

we talked yesterday about the fact that i asked him to stay til the end of the year to "work on the marriage". when I commented that he has only honored half his commitment, he is staying but not doing anything to improve the marriage, he started telling me all the things he has done to repair the house and my car and my motorcycle and said to him that is working on the marriage. still will not kiss me or touch me in any way unless it is a "quickie sex" with no foreplay. i feel really used when we do this. don't think i can continue like this much longer. i would like him to help me paint the house before he leaves. he also commented that he might do all this work on the house and then someone else might move in with me and enjoy all his handiwork. i thought at least he is thinking about what he will be giving up.


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## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

Skinman.....what's going on with you? You haven't posted in a while?


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

TmT.. Thanks for asking about me.. I am doing well for the most part... I think I am finally putting this all behind me and moving on with my life. The stbxw and I havent spoke in almost 3 weeks.. it has been wonderfull to say the least... I have gone on a few dates but they didn't work out.... It was nice just hanging with a woman...  Other than that life is good... I have been writing back and forth with a nice woman in another state... I'm going to spend some time with her soon... Work has been extremely slow to say the least.. We have had layoffs and had our paid holidays taken away and furloughed a week on top of that... needless to say money has been tight, i'm thinking of getting a part time job....

Been spending quite a bit of time with my daughters... with summer getting closer we spend a great deal of time outdoors...
always trying to find something to do.... I still have my days where I miss my old life and wife, but my new life offers so many opportunities to do what I want......I have taken this time to work on myself, I have gotten back into the gym and look better than I have in 20 years...I have my days of being lonely, but I know I won't be alone forever.. there will be someone else in my life oneday and knowing that helps when I feel down... Its all new to me but slowly I am adjusting to being single again... Its not bad when you really think about it.... 

*Mommy22* always told me that things would get better... for the longest time I had my doubts, but lately, I have been seeing and feeling a big change within.... I have appreciated all of you who have offered your kind words, encouragement and hope...You wont be forgotten..... I feel pity for my stbxw now... I no longer desire to have her in my life because of the person she has become.. she has alienated most of her close family with all that she has done and continues to do... In a sense its sad seeing someone who meant the world to me making such a mess of her life.......All I can do is pray for her...


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## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

Skinman,

I have yet to call you in person though I have wanted to because I think it would help us both, we have gotten to know each other through this forum. I read your words and you are saying all of the right things but I can read between the lines and know that you are still deeply hurt. I just wanted to tell you my gut feeling and let you know to keep writing when you are down and one way or another hopefully we will get through all of this. I may have missed it in one of your posts, has anyone filed for divorce yet?

talk to you soon

Sports


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## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

It's great to hear that you have been doing well Skinman! It's great that you are getting to spend time with your daughters and I know they mean the world to you. 

Our community recently lost a 12 year old child that was battling leukemia and it was a very sad loss. His parents are devastated as he was their only child. I have prayed for them it seems every day since he was diagnosed 2 years ago and will continue to pray for the parents. I tell myself that my problems are trivial to what they have gone thru! This child was a true hero, courageous and brave, and he affected this entire county, not to mention complete strangers that met him. I've never seen such an outpouring of love in all my days. I truly believe he was an angel here on earth in his short 12 years of life. It made me know what was important in this life for sure. Battling a stbx fits nowhere on that list!!!!

I am so happy to hear that you've been going out. Glad to hear you have been chatting with someone too. Life will go on and you will be a better person for what you've learned about yourself and worked on for improvement. Hate to hear about the cutbacks at work but it seems it is affecting everyone. Sounds like your stbx is in the same boat with mine. Everyone has commented negatively about him bringing the OW to his dad's funeral and slowly but surely finding out about the truth of how he has done and continues to do to me. I have been having some down and out days recently but no where near like in the beginning. I am battling my overgrown yard problem lately. I am not able to cut it and can't afford to hire anyone either. We've had a lot of rain recently so it is pretty out of hand. It will work itself out eventually I suppose. Also think I am going to lose my vehicle because husband hasn't paid his truck note. He had put it up as collateral behind my back with me only owing 3 more payments. I guess that is my biggest worry going on right now as I must have transportation to my doc appts.. 

Really glad to see that things are much better for you. I had kinda gotten worried when you weren't updating there for a while. Nice to know that it was because you were busy getting on with your new life! Take care and keep us updated every now and then.


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

mommy22 said:


> I've been wondering about you too! You sound much more at peace. You don't seem to be in so much turmoil. I'm am so glad.
> I'm pleased to hear of the time you're spending with the girls and your "me time". Looking AND feeling better. That's great!
> 
> As Sports said, continue to post as necessary.
> ...


Thanks M22,

things have been going great the past few days... I have more woman wanting to go out with me than I have had since high school...  .......... the only problem is finding the time to squeeze them all in.......Thank you, for all that you have done to help me through this.. Like Sports said I do still feel pain from all of this at times, but I wont hold the bitterness that the stbxw holds.. Its sad, she cant even talk about anything these days without the anger building up... What can I do...I never wanted this, but im sure not going to let it or her beat me down anymore.... Life is to short.........

*"You cant change yesterday, but you can ruin today worrying about tomorrow"* This is my new motto...... 

I will keep you all posted from time to time on my happenings...


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## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

skinman said:


> *"You cant change yesterday, but you can ruin today worrying about tomorrow"* This is my new motto......


I love the motto, l will try and use it when I am having a bad day


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

LOVE YOUR NEW MOTO really pleased your back on the road to happiness keep smiling and have great tomorrows


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

mommy22 said:


> Matthew 6:34-- "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow. Tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own"
> 
> Even if you're not religious, that one rings true!


Yes. I love the poetry of the King James version:

"Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof."


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Well it seems to always go this way. I will be riding a high and feeling great and then something happens to bring me back to reality.. The reality being that I am alone, alone with my thoughts , the demons and insecurities that have plagued me since this all started in October... Things were good until I saw her on tuesday night... I could tell that she had been on a date with him or he had just left the house..... She looked amazing, she was all dressed up in new clothes and tan, looking better than she has in years..... then it got me thinking why she could or would never dress like that for me... What makes this guy so special that she would lose so much weight and make sure to look good, but didnt bother to do the same for me... Someone she has known most of her life, who was always there for her...maybe its the jealousy I feel for being replaced so easily, the loneliness and knowing that I have no one to share my feelings with, no one to hold when I need a hug... it just sucks... she always looks so happy while I look miserable, the bitterness and anger have returned and I cant seem to let go of it... I am turning into someone I dont even recognize anymore... I am turning into her and I hate that feeling knowing that I am not like this.............


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## div2wice (Sep 18, 2008)

Personally I never understood (nor do I buy) the whole "I'm not in love with you anymore" excuse, especially when its dropped on a dime. I believe it takes a while to fall out of love with someone and that other spouses is bound to notice some differences.
I think its used as an excuse to hide the real reason for them leaving....for the majority of people, its because they've found someone else.
If she isn't involved with anyone else, and dropped this on you out of nowhere I would lean towards another issue... possibly depression, other stressors in her life...there are so many things that can cause this surprised phrase.
If she continues to respond the same way and will not attend counseling there is not much else you can do. She has yet to file so there is still a chance - ask her about counseling?


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

div2wice said:


> Personally I never understood (nor do I buy) the whole "I'm not in love with you anymore" excuse, especially when its dropped on a dime. I believe it takes a while to fall out of love with someone and that other spouses is bound to notice some differences.
> I think its used as an excuse to hide the real reason for them leaving....for the majority of people, its because they've found someone else.
> If she isn't involved with anyone else, and dropped this on you out of nowhere I would lean towards another issue... possibly depression, other stressors in her life...there are so many things that can cause this surprised phrase.
> If she continues to respond the same way and will not attend counseling there is not much else you can do. She has yet to file so there is still a chance - ask her about counseling?


I appreciate your input but its obvious you havent read the thread.. She has been seeing someone since we split up..... no counseling will help this marriage !!

just a rough day.........


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## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

Sorry you are back on the rollercoaster skin! I'm always on it so I truly understand where you are with these feelings. I am awaiting the repo man any day now to get my vehicle that I only liked three payments on, that stbx put up for collateral. He hasn't paid his note in two months so any day now they will be along to get it. It's super hard to be in a good mood when your whole world is falling down around you. All I can say is wake up tomorrow and try and again for that is all I do. Keeping you in my prayers fellow!!!


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## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

skinman said:


> Well it seems to always go this way. I will be riding a high and feeling great and then something happens to bring me back to reality.. The reality being that I am alone, alone with my thoughts , the demons and insecurities that have plagued me since this all started in October... Things were good until I saw her on tuesday night... I could tell that she had been on a date with him or he had just left the house..... She looked amazing, she was all dressed up in new clothes and tan, looking better than she has in years..... then it got me thinking why she could or would never dress like that for me... What makes this guy so special that she would lose so much weight and make sure to look good, but didnt bother to do the same for me... Someone she has known most of her life, who was always there for her...maybe its the jealousy I feel for being replaced so easily, the loneliness and knowing that I have no one to share my feelings with, no one to hold when I need a hug... it just sucks... she always looks so happy while I look miserable, the bitterness and anger have returned and I cant seem to let go of it... I am turning into someone I dont even recognize anymore... I am turning into her and I hate that feeling knowing that I am not like this.............



Hey Skin,

I could tell that even though you were saying that you were better, I knew that you were not. Any small trigger and we are right back to where we were when this started. I know, my wife has always been pretty petite but she gained a little bit of weight after three kids. Look at her now, she is simply beautiful. I can't even look at her without having my thoughts. I still do not believe she is seeing anyone, but know it will happen. I have gone to the gym, I have trimmed down and have gained some muscle, but still my wife, ex whatever she is looks amazing. I try to tell myself that I can get over her that I will be ok and the next second I am in phase one again. She made mention that she might go to counseling. Got my hopes up, felt better, was able to sleep and then she decided that no, she did not want to go and back in depression I go. I have just come to relies that I will get over her when I do. I don't like to feel like this, helpless, not in charge but it is the way it is. Tonight I went on my first date, it sucked, all I thought about is I would rather be with my wife. I am not ready to move on and I guess it will happen for both of us when it happens.

Hang in there, we have never met or spoken (my fault) but I consider you a friend.

Sports..


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Thanks Sports...

I feel the same way as you my friend... Will we get through this when we are ready.. Today is Father's Day and my daughters 13th birthday.. she is with me today, yet it just doesn't feel right at all, but its something that I will get used to in time.. I wish my family was together but I know that will never happen at least not the old version of my family.. so it is what it is. for the most part, I have felt good about things but there is always a little trigger that brings the emotions and reality of my situation to the forefront of my thoughts.

There is not a day that goes by that I dont think of my wife. Some days thoughts are of anger and bitterness towards her and other times I remember the good times with a yearning for what I have lost.. But I am blessed with so many other things that I tend to forget about... My health for one, I still have a job and a roof over my head. I have 2 amazing daughters that love me more than anything. These things are what I should be thankful for yet at times its difficult to be...

There will come a day when this will all be a bad memory and won't matter anymore... that is the day that I dread and also look forward to.. The day when the most important person in my life means nothing to me...........

Thank you all for your kind words.......


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## donbmyers (Jun 29, 2009)

I am in a similar situation. Her psychologist says one day at a time. That women will test you, and deny it. The toughest part for you is doing the day to day with the heartbreak of never knowing will the love you once had rekindle.

Pray. Ask for 3 way Divine intervention.

But, if after you have given her some space, and still continue to avow your love, say 2 or 3 months, your health will start to suffer if you do not maintain self esteem.

I wish you God's speed.

Make a plan and stick to it. Your sanity depends on it.

DJ


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Thank you everyone, for all your kind words. The past week has been the best that I have had in years.:smthumbup: I met a wonderfull lady, who shares so many common interests with me and things are going fantastic. It feels so good again to have someone looking forward to talking with me, spending time with me and appreciating all that I have to offer. Things have been going so much better in my life.. I no longer care or even think about what my stbxw is doing these days. I am living my life for me and my daughters.

To everyone who is going through similar situations, I tell you this ... It will get better in time.. Keep faith and know that oneday the sun will shine on you again and you will happy and content in your life...... Best wishes to everyone...


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## Sprite (Nov 3, 2008)

GRATS Skin, this is very good to hear


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## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

That's fantastic Skin! I've been praying that you'd meet someone that appreciated what a great guy you are! This is the best news to me ever and proof positive that my prayers do count!


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Thank you TMT, Sprite and M22,

I really appreciate you ladies so very much. All your prayers and kind words have meant so much during this difficult time. I have to admit that what I have been feeling for the past few weeks has felt great, to be appreciated, understood and wanted. I have been walking on cloud 9. But it has also scared me too... I dont know If I am ready for something like this yet, I have my doubts, but at the same time I dont want to push away a good woman who definetely cares for me. I have taken things slow for that very reason, no kisses, sex or anything like that, just spending time enjoy each others company. Yet, I am still hesitant to really open up my heart to this woman. We have spoken on the phone for hours like when I was a teenager, she makes me laugh, she listens and she cares what I think, things that had been missing from my marriage and are so appreciated now.

But I am scared, scared of hurting her and being hurt myself. How do I know when I am ready ? will I ever be ready ?. It's these things that keep me up at night. It used to be dreams of my wife, now its thoughts of me doing to another, the very thing that my wife did to me... breaking someone's heart...
Maybe I have answered my own question and don't want to admit it... You all have offered so much good advice... I could really use a different point of view about now..... Thank you all..


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## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

I agree with M22. If she knows your position and why, she will see your character which is always a good thing. A good woman will respect your honesty and would be grateful to hear it. Just be sure not to ramble on about your past with stbx because that would be a deal breaker....she'd see you aren't ready to move on. I would be very appreciative of a man that is honest and willing to take things slowly.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

How long has it been since you've been seperated from your wife? I am just asking because I wonder if it's too early to look for a relationship before your wounds have semi-heeled. This is the question I also have for myself.


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Corpuswife,

To answer your questions its been 9 months since we split up.. Am I ready for a "relationship" ?? I dont know the answer to that. Will i ever be ready?? dont know the answer to that either.. I hope, to one day be able to love again and feel things for another woman that I felt for my wife. But then again there are my doubts.. I have talked it over with my friend and let her know exactly how I feel about going slow and enjoying each others company getting to know each other before things get to serious.

Other than that I dont know Cwife... Do I worry that I might not be ready ? Yes I do.. The the last thing I want to do is hurt this woman.Or myself... I still have my moments of thoughts of my stbxw, to be honest they may always be with me... I hope in time that they are less frequent and will be of happier times but I cant be certain they will ever go away. I loved my stbxw very much, I would have done anything for her. But I am a firm believer that things happen for a reason... What that reason is, is yet to be determined. One way or another life will go on.......


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

That's a good chunk of time. I can understand not knowing if you are ready!

I think it is safe to take things slow...including the affection for this new woman. I know that it's difficult. You have shown courage by taking the time to try to keep your marriage together. You just couldn't do it alone.....Now take the time, to enter into another serious relationship. I think that is what your heart is telling you.


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Corpuswife said:


> That's a good chunk of time. I can understand not knowing if you are ready!
> 
> I think it is safe to take things slow...including the affection for this new woman. I know that it's difficult. You have shown courage by taking the time to try to keep your marriage together. You just couldn't do it alone.....Now take the time, to enter into another serious relationship. I think that is what your heart is telling you.



Thank you Corpuswife,

I dont know what my heart is telling me these days.. I often wonder if it will fail me again in the end. I would like to think I have grown and learned much from this experience, but honestly, only time will tell. I am enjoying the feelings that I am having, yet I am still scared to some extent, scared of hurting her or myself If I am not entirely ready...I wish in a sense, I could have been more like my wife and moved on so quickly. Then again I'm not anything like her. I have a heart and compassion for other peoples feelings, something my wife lacked for most of our marriage.. Thanks again for your comments and best wishes in your struggles....


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## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

hey Skin,

I am happy to hear that you are moving on so nicely, it does my heart good. I will send an update from me soon, I have had some good things happen and bad but either way I will catch you up.

Awesome to see you happy!!!


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

*Lesson's learned.....*

The past few weeks have shown me quite a bit about myself. Looking back on some of the things I did in my marriage and the mistakes that I made and what today I would do differently ?.. For one, I would not lose myself.. I gave up so much of myself during my marriage to please my wife, please my family and what did it get me ? nothing, nothing but a loss of respect for myself and a loss of respect from her. Do I blame her..? No I dont blame her for that.. I blame her for other things.. Like cheating on me.. Not respecting me enough to tell me that there were problems with us and allowing me to think everything was fine... For telling me she loved me when in fact she didn't.. for blaming me for everything when all along it was her affair that she was hiding.. 

I blame myself for not seeing the real her, for seeing her for what I wanted her to be and not the person I knew all along that she was.. For ignoring the red flags from the beginning... for allowing myself to be consumed with giving her and my girls a better life. Only to lose myself, my friends and the little respect and self esteem, I had left for myself.. So many things that in the end will only make me a better person... I blame myself for not seeing sooner what I had become, for allowing my stbxw for treating me with such disrespect for way to long. Those are the things I own, the part of my marriage where I failed not only myself but the people I loved more than anything...Hard lessons learned but one's that needed to be.. 

Now I see where I failed and what needed to be changed about myself in order to be happy in the future. I will be happy again.. I am starting to feel so much better about what life has in store for me. I have met someone who treats me great, looks forward to seeing me and hearing from me... Things I was lacking in my marriage and feel so good now.... I am more aware of what I need to do and what I wont accept or tolerate in a relationship.. I hope to love someone again the way I loved my wife... That day will come again....... when only the Lord knows...


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## karajh (Jul 25, 2009)

I have been going through this same situation with my husband of 7 years. He just went off the side. We really did not have a bad relationship, some fighting normal stuff. I have found that one moment he is thinking about getting back together and the next he is wanting a divorce, but he does not want one right now. The mixed signals will kill your heart. I am not ready to give up yet though and if you still love her fight for her. Maybe she wants the chase and a wise man told me that "All you can do is make yourself healthy and happy" and then it will be up to you if you still want the relationship.

Good luck with all of this.. I will be praying for you!


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## Guest (Jul 29, 2009)

Hey Skin,

Long time since we spoke. I am so glad to hear you got out of that house and started to breath again. It's amazing how another person who has such interest in you can fill you back up with life isn't it? I'm so happy to see you are living again, good for you man!!!

Just follow your heart with this new love interest. Don't keep looking in your rearview mirror except to see the dust trail your leaving behind for your x to see.... Allow yourself to keep living and allow your heart to love again. We can't live in fear of "what if" so let this lady see that side of you that your pacing it with. You'll know when the time is right and the ladies above are right as well. A woman will respect you for not going for homeplate with them. Besides a little sexual tension is fun to let build up between two people. Play with that a little, both of you will probably enjoy it.

Man I am really pumped to see where your at now after these last few months.


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Thank you Jason...
I appreciate all the kind words friend.. its good to hear from you after so long...

Your so right about all that you wrote.. the feelings of being wanted again and thought of are amazing... I feel alive for the first time in many years..I now look forward to each day and the gifts and or surprises that it may offer.. Something that during my marriage was far and few between... I was dead on the inside, yet only going through the motions of life at times.. Now I look forward to every opportunity that I have each day.. The sun shines so much brighter these days, each breath that I take has more meaning and is appreciated so much more now...

Because of this, I have become a better person, to my friends, family, people I meet on the street or total strangers.. I have so much more compassion for the struggles that each and every one of us deals with each day.. always praying for those that need it and even the ones that dont deserve it, appreciatting that life is to short to be unhappy. Living in self pity and not being thankfull that I indeed woke up this morning.. Some people didnt have the blessing of another day of life....
My girls and I have become so much closer.. Cherishing each moment that we can be together not kowing if indeed it may be the last...

I had court today for isues of child support that were supposed to have been taken care of...... It was hard and very akward standing next to my stbxw...looking at her with such different eyes than I have for the past 9 months.. I saw her looking good on the outside, yet looking at her face she seemed dead inside, bitter and full of anger towards me for trying to save the marriage that meant so much to me... I felt sorry for her, anger towards her and pity for her.. I stood before the judge smiling and knowing in the end she may well regret what she has done to our family...


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Well it has been a while since I posted, but lately I have had a lot on my mind. In less than a month, my marriage of almost 16 years will be coming to an end... The past few months have been up and down emotionally.. there have been the good days mixed in with the bad, but as the day gets closer to my marriage ending, I have felt such a loss, loss of my dreams, my family as I knew it, along with so many material items.. Most of all, the loss of someone with whom I had always thought was my best friend, that being my wife.. 

As far as I can tell she is happy with her life, happy with him and knowing that soon she will be able to quit hiding him and be open about their relationship....... Myself ... I have yet to find happiness... I have my moments of being happy and content and I am thankfull for those... Yet I still feel so lost.. empty inside wondering what will happen next to take some joy out of my life.. I have been seeing someone for a few months.. yet she is just a distraction from my true feelings.. She knows where she stands, yet she still stands by my side........She is a good woman and most men would love someone like her, but I still am unable to give her what she wants...... I feel empty inside while I search for something with meaning, something to call my own and really look forward to.. I was hoping the closer I got to the end of my marriage, the easier it would be... but it isn't.. I have found it to be almost as hard as the initial separation was...

I have tried to forgive her and release some of my bitterness but it hasn't happened... Each time I see her and know all the lies she has told, makes it so difficult to face her and not tell her how I feel.... I hope it gets easier soon........ 

Give me strength Lord...........


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## Devastatedmom (Sep 5, 2009)

Skinman,
I know that it is a different situation for me, but how do you deal with the fact of the step child. I have a Step daughter that does not live with my H and I, but being separated, and she is 15, she knows what is going on, and my H was the one to talk to her and tell her, he did not even lets us sit down together and do that, so needless to say, it is very hard to be I feel very seperated from her as well. Any advice??


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Devastatedmom,

I wish I had something good to tell you but i dont, Me and my step stayed close during the initial separation, but it seemed once I gave her a car all contact ceased..Its like I was never there for those 15 years raising her as my own and being like a father to her.. So I dont know what to tell you.. It breaks my heart twice.. Losing my wife and step daughter in the process of all of this.. My ex has poisoned there minds agains me.. No matter what I do its not good enough.. My ex;s first husband walked out of his daughters life because my my made it so miserable.... Now she is doing the same to me, I wish I had some good advice but I dont, Best of luck to you ....

Skin


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Skinman and devasted mom,

Don't give up on the stepdaughters. They are old enough to remember the person that you are. At this time, they may not know how to behave. They may be siding with a parent out of loyalty. Or, they may feel that you don't want them because their parent misbehaved. 

In the long run, they may come back when they are older and reconnect with you again. I've seen this happen many times in good relationships.

In the meantime, if you know their address, send them a card. Keep a little contact along the way. Be sure to let them know, that whatever happens between you and the parent that you would like to be involved in their life in some way.

Just a suggestion.


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## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

Yes stick around...I'll tell you this. I'm still in contact w/a "step" dad. My Mom's 3rd husband. We talk every few months or so and he and my Mom have been divorced for uh hmm 15 years or so I guess. But he's always loved me like his own daughter and I love him. The issues between him and my Mother never came between us. Now I can tell you to this day that my Mother is not to happy about it but what can you do? I'm an adult so she really doesn't have a choice in the matter. Not saying that to be mean or disrespectful to my Mom. It's just how it is.


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## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

skinman said:


> I was hoping the closer I got to the end of my marriage, the easier it would be... but it isn't.. I have found it to be almost as hard as the initial separation was...
> 
> I have tried to forgive her and release some of my bitterness but it hasn't happened... Each time I see her and know all the lies she has told, makes it so difficult to face her and not tell her how I feel.... I hope it gets easier soon........
> 
> Give me strength Lord...........


Hi Skin,

You and I have been through this almost from the beginning and like you, I have been off the site and my divorce is very close. I have tried going out but I just spend the entire time thinking about my soon to be ex wife. I still can't sleep and am bothered like it happened yesterday and its been 8 months. I posted a brief statement about what just happened so I wont repeat myself. I wish I could be like some of these people and not care, move on and act like nothing matters but I can't. The thought of never being with her or another man sleeping with her or my girls hanging out with a new guy is more then devastating to me. I still cannot get past this. Sounds like you and I are still in the same place we were from the beginning.

Post back soon....


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

mommy22 said:


> I'm sorry to hear you're still struggling, Skin. I really hope you'll find the happiness you deserve.


Thank you M22...

I guess you can't say that I am struggling.. In fact, most days are good. Its the ocassional ones where my thoughts turn to what I have lost, those are the toughest. Its hard to believe that its been over 11 months since we split. Seems like only yesterday that we all worked in the yard getting it ready for fall.. Those are memories that hurt the most.. School shopping together, going to the movies things like that are the things I miss the most like family dinners .. My daughter has been doing well throughout this.. I know the OM being around so much messes with her feelings but what can I do....She calls me all the time before and after school, before bedtime and on the bus ride home. She knows that I love her and would do anything for her........

Its sad, I still havent heard from my stepdaughter.. From what I hear she has the run of the roads.. Her mom allows her to do pretty much whatever she wants. I hear how happy the stbxw is and thats another thing that bothers me.. She is living it up and bad mouthing me every chance she gets.. I dont long for her as much as I used to. I have accepted the fact that we will never be a family again, much less be able to talk to each other. she wont accept any calls from me. Her bitterness is still there for someone who wanted this so bad.. Maybe its not all its cracked up to be for her, Who knows I can only guess..:scratchhead:

Things are going well with my lady friend.. we enjoy each others company but I am beginning to realize that she isn't someone that I will spend the rest of my life with... more or less she is a distraction from whats really going on with me. I find myself comparing her to my ex... its not fair to her but its hard to help at times... Work has slowly picked up.. It was tough this summer with all the layoffs and cutbacks but somehow I have survived....... Slowly its getting better for me...... I woke up this morning so it cant be all that bad !!!

Thanks for all your support M22... you've been a life saver !!

Skin..........


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Well it has officially been one year since this all started and the end of my marriage began. During this time I have learned a lot about myself, my strengths, my weaknesses and where I needed to change. I know now what I need to do if I ever decide to go down this road again. Needless to say I am gun shy now. I have become a better father to my daughters, making sure the time we spend together is quality time. I have become a better friend to my friends. I dont take people for granted like I used to, I make time to enjoy the little things in life now. Granted I am fortunate to some extent that I still have my job, a roof over my head and food on my table. This Divorce will cost me a lot more than my family. It has cost me my dreams, It has cost me the unconditional love that I felt for my wife. Wondering if I will ever be able to love someone like that again. It has hardened me to some extent. I dont hold on to things like I used to. Knowing that any moment something can happen and it will be gone.

I am learning to let go of expectations, wanting a certain outcome with things, with life and relationships. I know that the only person I can count on is myself, I was codependant with my wife, I allowed her to become more than myself, I valued her opinion of me more than I did of myself. So many things that if only given the chance could have been worked on if I had only realized. I Have days where I still miss my wife, my family and what all I had. I think of her daily, some days good thoughts but most days I just feel sorry for her. She has become someone that no longer matters to me which is sad, I promised to love this woman forever. I am looking forward to the divorce being final, its not something I wanted but something I have accepted... Its a sad part of life and life will go on one way or another...........

To all of you just starting out in this... It does get better, you will cry, you will feel anger, guilt and hatred. Eventually those feelings will subside... You will wake up and the sun will shine again......Its hard... probably the hardest thing you will ever go through, but you will survive. Many on here told me "it will get better".. During that time I had my doubts, I couldn't see past all the pain but gradually it has diminished, I am smiling more and so will you all.......... I wish you all strength... I want to thank those that stuck with me through this. M22, sprite, and humpty........ you all were Godsends........ thanks for being there for me.........


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

skinman said:


> It has cost me the unconditional love that I felt for my wife.


Few people understand the meaning of the phrase "unconditional love". Although it is a bit similar to loving a little child even when they wake you up from a deep sleep in the middle of the night, it is realy a much bigger concept.

Someone who demonstrates unconditional love, loves everyone and everything. These people are rare as far as I know. Think Mother Theresa... Maybe Gandhi. Yes these people get to be famous because they stick out by their unusualness.

What you had for your wife was probably a mixture of love and denial. Sorry to be harsh, but I don't like to see phrases like *unconditional love* sold down the river 

But... if we want something badly enough we can probably create it. *But you can't fake the wanting of it*. My old boss used to say, "there is nothing virtuous about virtuous people". What he meant was that for these people, every fibre of their being wants virtue. For them, integrity is not so much the easy option as the only option.


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## New Beginnings (Sep 9, 2009)

My brain hurt a little figuring that one out MT. j/k  I think what Skin meant was that he was willing to do anything to save his marriage and like me he probably never realized she had disconnected to a degree that she would never look back when she went down the road she took.

@ Skin I'm so glad that you have come this far. I'm glad that you recognized that there were indeed better days ahead for you. I too know what you mean with getting to the point of being able to let your guard down enough to let another person close to your heart. But that is exactly what you have to be able to do in the next phase of recovery, trust that other person is not your ex, and that they are just that...another person. Don't hold the mistakes of your ex against a new person. You will end up in a vicious cycle by doing so. I know, I still struggle to trust but I am lowering my guard to do just that, trust that another person is NOT the person who hurt me so badly in a previous relationship.

Learn to let your guard down and allow someone to be close to you again. It is one of the last steps in recovery in my opinion. Granted I think recovery is going to be a life long commitment.


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

*411 Days * after this roller coaster ride started, it will finally be over... Tomorrow December 10, 2009, I will be a single man again. My marriage of almost 15 years will be over...I dont know how this day will affect me, if it does at all. when I was served my final papers 21 days ago it hit me pretty hard. The realization that the life I knew for so long will officially be nothing more than a memory... This past year has taught me a lot about myself, I was co-dependant on my wife, I put everyone else's happiness before my own. I took many things for granted expecially my wife, lessons that had to be learned the hard way.. But learned never the less...

So now as I enter the final chapter in my life, I have many options before me.. I recently put a contract on a house that I will live in until my daughter graduates high school in 5 years. I just returned from 2 weeks exploring the coast of northern California. I will be attending cooking school at nights this spring. I have quit smoking and exercising more, I try and practice patience and acceptance of people without judging more easily... I have forgiven myself for doing the best that I could at the time. I didn't make my wife cheat, that was her decision and I couldn't do a thing to stop it. But I have learned from it if I decide to go down this road again..... Thank you to everyone who has helped me along this journey, your encouragement and kind words helped me through the most difficult time in my life...

In closing, tomorrow I will have 2 drinks.... One, in rememberance of a life that is over.. The other, to celebrate a life that is just starting... God bless you all and wishing you a merry Christmas......

Skin..........


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Thank you skin. 2010 will be much better for you...it has to be. That's the way I feel. I'll say a prayer for you tomorrow. My D is coming up on Jan. 6th.


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

skinman said:


> So now as I enter the final chapter in my life,
> In closing, tomorrow I will have 2 drinks.... One, in rememberance of a life that is over.. The other, to celebrate a life that is just starting... God bless you all and wishing you a merry Christmas......
> 
> Skin..........



Hey,

Its only the final chapter of one book, the sequel is about to start! And you can now write it however you want.


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## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

skinman said:


> *411 Days *
> 
> In closing, tomorrow I will have 2 drinks.... One, in rememberance of a life that is over.. The other, to celebrate a life that is just starting... God bless you all and wishing you a merry Christmas......
> 
> Skin..........


Hey Skin

Hang in there, my divorce will be final soon as well and I still feel like you do. I am hoping for a better 2010 but then again 2009 was the worst year of my life so it better be better  I guess the thing is we only have a brighter future to look forward to since like I said it cant get much worse. I will have a drink today and toast you, your kindness and to a better tomorrow...

Sports


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Thank you ladies.. and you also Sportsman.. I appreciate your kind words...The day came and went without much of a reaction...I'm not sure if I didn't allow it to bother me or if indeed it no longer has the effect that it used to..Either way its done and over with. In a way its been a relief to finally have it behind me. A day that I had been dreading for so long will always have its on place. The same day is the birthday of a close friend. Now each year at this time celebrating with her will be a reminder of what all I lost and more importantly what all I have gained because of this........ I look forward to 2010 for all of us. It will be the start of a new year and most assuredly a better one than last.... 

This year for Christmas, I have adopted a less fortunate family than my own.. A woman with 4 children barely getting by is on my list of people to help... I have been blessed with so much during my life that its time I help others while I am able too.. Thank you all for what you have done for me.. your kind words, your caring and most importantly your understanding.... May God bless you all during the holiday season and keep you safe.. Have faith and keep smiling, remember there are so many more less fortunate than ourselves...what better way to lift your own spirits than by helping lift someone elses.. 

Skin.....


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

skinman,

What a long journey of emotions you have travelled this year. I really felt a sense of peace reading your last post and wish you all good things for 2010


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## wren (Aug 19, 2009)

What a wonderful way to celebrate Christmas. I wish you wonderful things for the new year!


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## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

Skin

You are the man!


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Hello everyone,

Wanted to give an update on my life since the big "D". Things are going great for me so far in 2010.."knock on wood".. I recently put a contract on yet another house. the one I had wanted originally, the sellers dragged their feet and waited on multiple offers, so sadly I lost out.. This time, I was prepared I offered more than the asking price just to get it... hopefully within a month or so I will start out the year in a new townhouse of my own....

Things in my dating life have gotten so much better... I met an amazing woman, who shares so much in commom with me... she is almost the complete oposite of my ex.. we are taking things slow but there is definetly something there.. I look forward to hearing from her, seeing her and spending time with her... 2010 has started out great it can only get better from here.. One of my resolutions for the new year is to do something I have never done each month... This month I am taking my youngest Snowboarding and tubing at a ski resort close by... Keep your fingers crossed that I dont break my neck or legs...Lol... Next month might do a little cave exploring or rock climbing...

Anyway, keep having the faith people..things will and do get better. This time last year I was in such a dark place, today I appreciate each sunrise so much more.. I awake with a smile on my face knowing that no matter what the day brings I can handle it after all I have gone through....... God bless everyone and keep pushing forward........... 

Skin.....


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

skinman said:


> Anyway, keep having the faith people..things will and do get better. This time last year I was in such a dark place, today I appreciate each sunrise so much more.. I awake with a smile on my face knowing that no matter what the day brings I can handle it after all I have gone through....... God bless everyone and keep pushing forward...........


Wow! Is this the same skinman that started this thread?

You are an inspiration to us all.


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## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

Skin

I am so happy for you and you give me hope that I will be happy some day as well. Right now, not so much  Keep us updated on your "New Life"..


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> Wow! Is this the same skinman that started this thread?
> 
> You are an inspiration to us all.



Thanks Mt... you were right my friend... 

I am so much happier now that she is out of my life... Thanks for being there for me........

Skin........


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Thanks for updating us...I am so glad to hear things are going well for you...and I just knocked on some wood!

Adventures with your kids sound really fun...I did the same with mine after my divorce & have great memories of those times...take a camera along


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

mommy22 said:


> NICE!!! So glad to hear it!


Thanks M22, Swedish and everyone else.. Things are looking good so far. I got the townhouse I put the contract on !! :smthumbup: I will be going to closing at the end of the month.. I am stoked, my daughter is so excited.. I'm hoping that by buying a house close to her school she will eventually decide to come and live with me...those are my hopes anyway.... My new lady friend and I have been spending quite a bit of time together.. even though its too soon to tell she is someone I can see spending the rest of my life with....... Only time will tell..... Thanks again everyone for all of your support.. I appreciate everything you all have done..... Especially you M22..

Skin.........


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## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

skinman said:


> Thanks M22, Swedish and everyone else.. Things are looking good so far. I got the townhouse I put the contract on !! :smthumbup: I will be going to closing at the end of the month.. I am stoked, my daughter is so excited.. I'm hoping that by buying a house close to her school she will eventually decide to come and live with me...those are my hopes anyway.... My new lady friend and I have been spending quite a bit of time together.. even though its too soon to tell she is someone I can see spending the rest of my life with....... Only time will tell..... Thanks again everyone for all of your support.. I appreciate everything you all have done..... Especially you M22..
> 
> Skin.........


Congrats Skin

It really sounds like you are on the right track. I am very very happy for you

Sports..


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Hello All..
I wanted to give an update on how great my life is turning out since my divorce has been finalized. Last week I moved into a townhouse that I bought, something I often doubted would ever happen again after giving up so much in my divorce.. In hindsight the only thing I really lost in my divorce was an uncaring, selffish wife..( well I did lose my dog ) 

In the begining of all of this, I was afraid of losing the close relationship I had with my youngest daughter... Well that didnt happen,  we are now closer than we have ever been, going through all of this has shown me what really matters in life... for one your family, the support that I was shown was unbelieveable... My friends, ones that in the past I wasnt always sure I could count on came through when I needed them the most... Most importantly my faith.. I knew that in the end I would be ok and the Lord had better plans for my life..

I have since met the most amazing woman, someone who genuinly cares for my well being.. I have truly been blessed since the D...

In closing I want to share with all the new folks going through the same things I did... It does get better, have faith that oneday you will be happy again, for some of us even happier than you have ever been before.. Learn from your mistakes, take time to reflect on what you did wrong, what they did wrong and you both could have done better.. set out to correct your shortcummings, take this opportunity to learn as much as you can about relationships, yourself and what you want from the rest of your life......... Oneday you will see the light at the end of the tunnel, that I promise you.. like so many promised me.....

you have been given a second chance at happiness..... use it wisely... I wish you all the best.. God bless and good luck... !!!

Skin


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Thank you skin for posting. The light is there after all of the pain. 

You sounds hopeful and happy....who would have thought?


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## morningdew (Jan 14, 2010)

skinman said:


> Oneday you will see the light at the end of the tunnel, that I promise you.. like so many promised me.....
> 
> you have been given a second chance at happiness..... use it wisely... I wish you all the best.. God bless and good luck... !!!
> 
> Skin


Thank you for sharing this, I second CW, you sounds so much happier and wiser. Best of luck for you!


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## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

Skin,

I am very happy for you and hope I have the happing you found.

God Bless and take care


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Skin,

You are an inspiration to many of us that have found our way to this forum. Your happiness comes through in your words. Thanks for coming back and sharing that with the people on this forum. It shows everyone here that one's happiness resides within the self and not within another. You've answered the question where am I going first and now are answering the quesion of who will go with me -- your new love. And she compliments your happiness and is not the source of it. Congrats. This is what we all should strive for whether our marriages work out or not because in the end we will be happy.

Keep us posted Skin.


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Thank you Feelingalone,

So much of what you wrote is true.. My ex. did define my happiness for much of our marriage...I made every effort possible to give my wife and girls the best life I could...... Now I do that for myself and daughter... The best thing to come from this was that I found myself again, I found the man that had been lost for so many years, the prankster, compassionate, and a good friend.. Today I enjoy life so much more, I dont take things for granted.. I don't allow little things to bother me less and I live for the moment so much better than before.. My daughter and I have such an amazing relationship thanks to what her mom has done....  on another note.

My house is coming alone fine... so many little things I wish to do with it that it keeps me busy... Before,I had little or no say it how our house was decorated... not anymore.. I chose all my wall colors, pictures and the types of flowers I planted..:smthumbup:
in short life is good these days... Keep the faith people, oneday you will look back and think about some things that others have said... I met so many nice people on here when I needed them the most...... Especially one.... I owe her alot and she knows who she is....... Thank you ...... Take care friends, I will update again soon.......

God Bless....
Skin...


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## cisco7931 (May 2, 2011)

Wow - Let me revive this thread...

Reading through all 37 pages (yes, all of them), I can't remember how many times my eyes were wide open, my jaw dropped and felt goosebumps. Your thread, and your post, are almost as if I have written it (mine is on the Reconciliation thread). 

The only key differences are: Friend in the house... Online dating... Giving up and acquiring a new house... step daughter... I am half your age... (no pun intended)... 

All the rest were and are currently the same as what I am going through now... If you would ask me, I am probably now on page 30 (I guess), where you started feeling good about seeing other women. 

At first I am not open to the idea that he lessons I am learning will either prepare me/us for the best marriage if we reconcile, or the other end of the spectrum where I will be better for someone else. 

I've been thinking about it a lot lately, and reading through your thread, this might be what God wants for me... No one really knows...

You have been an inspiration to me R. I am confident that my story will end just like yours....

May God continue to bless us, and those who suffer... For we who go through these, are being touched by God....


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