# Cheated in a foreign country



## jayschmoove (Dec 25, 2020)

I'm a 40 year old man who has been in a relationship with my girlfriend for about a year, and we are strongly considering marrying in the not too distant future. 

Early in our relationship (within the first month or so) I traveled to India for a month to conduct business. My liaison to the firm with which I was working was an attractive Indian woman in her early 20s. We spent a lot of time together during my visit and, although we maintained a professional relationship throughout the month, we genuinely did enjoy each other's company.

A couple of days before I left the country, we decided to have dinner together. There was something different about that night, as, after dinner, we sat and talked for two hours over coffee. (Neither of us consumed any alcohol at any time during the evening, by the way). We discovered a lot of common interests during that conversation that hadn't come up before, and when we were done, she asked me to walk her home.

To make a long story short, we kissed at her door and she invited me up, where she performed oral sex on me before we had sex. I spent the night, we slept together in her bed and I left the next morning.

In terms of my relationship at home, I didn't think much of it at the time. I know that because I had a girlfriend, I probably shouldn't have done this, but the relationship was so new at that point. (Probably the wrong attitude, I know). But my question is this: Now that my girlfriend and I are considering getting married, should I disclose to her that this happened? On the one hand, I wouldn't want to start off our marriage with a secret hanging over our heads. On the other hand, this was a long time ago and it may be better to just let sleeping dogs lie. 

For additional information: my workplace is no longer in business with the Indian company, so there is exactly zero chance that I will ever need to be over there again, and if, for some reason, the opportunity to go back in the future ever came up, I am able to decline.

I have been tested for STDs out of an abundance of caution. Clean as a whistle.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Your girlfriend deserves to know. She doesn't want you to start the rest of the her life with a lie.

I wouldn't marry you.


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## jayschmoove (Dec 25, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> Your girlfriend deserves to know. She doesn't want you to start the rest of the her life with a lie.
> 
> I wouldn't marry you.


Thank you, and I appreciate your honesty and forthrightness.

You are probably right that she deserves to know, and be free to make the decision about whether or not to continue on with me upon hearing the truth. I am aware that I made a poor decision and may suffer consequences because of it.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

Given the fact that you two haven't even been together for a year... yes she deserves to know before making more big life decisions. 

I hope for your sake you two did not have a very clear "start" date so there is room for forgiveness.


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## jayschmoove (Dec 25, 2020)

moulinyx said:


> Given the fact that you two haven't even been together for a year... yes she deserves to know before making more big life decisions.
> 
> I hope for your sake you two did not have a very clear "start" date so there is room for forgiveness.


That's what I'm hoping for, and the "start date", as you say, is a little ambiguous.

As I said, my trip took place within the first month of our relationship, probably about three weeks in, to be exact. We had been out several times during that time and were leaning toward becoming exclusive, although no "official" declaration had been made yet, if that makes sense to you.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

You had only been seeing each other a month? I guess it makes a difference if you had decided you'd be exclusive. Had you? How serious was your relationship at that point?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

jayschmoove said:


> That's what I'm hoping for, and the "start date", as you say, is a little ambiguous.
> 
> As I said, my trip took place within the first month of our relationship, probably about three weeks in, to be exact. We had been out several times during that time and were leaning toward becoming exclusive, although no "official" declaration had been made yet, if that makes sense to you.


I see you answered my question. You had only been out with your girlfriend a few times, you hadn't yet decided to be exclusive. So why are you calling it cheating?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Did she think you were exclusive?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Had the two of you have sex?


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## jayschmoove (Dec 25, 2020)

Livvie said:


> I see you answered my question. You had only been out with your girlfriend a few times, you hadn't yet decided to be exclusive. So why are you calling it cheating?


Well, neither of us had been out with anyone else during that time


Openminded said:


> Did she think you were exclusive?


I'm not entirely sure. Neither of us had been out with anyone else during that time and we had discussed being exclusive, but there was no point blank "Yes, we are" or "No, we aren't"


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## jayschmoove (Dec 25, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> Had the two of you have sex?


Before I took the trip, you mean? No, at that time, we had not. Our first time was a few days after I returned.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Still a little gross. Do you think she would have had sex with you if she had known you had sex 4 days earlier.


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## jayschmoove (Dec 25, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> Still a little gross. Do you think she would have had sex with you if she had known you had sex 4 days earlier.


Probably not


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

jayschmoove said:


> Probably not


I don't know your girlfriend and I don't know you. I know some people sleep with more than one person until they are exclusive. I know others that dating implies they aren't sleeping with others. Do you think she would have been ok with you sleeping with some woman after you too had been dating? When you were in India did you two talk? exchange sexy texts? pictures? Did you tell her you were going out with this work associate? Would you sleeping with the woman be surprise to her?

It really shows a lack of character. So how do you explain it? What is it that makes it ok? How would going forward be any different?
Maybe she would never find out but the fact that you think that way means you are still lacking character.


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## BruceBanner (May 6, 2018)

jayschmoove said:


> A couple of days before I left the country, we decided to have dinner together.


This was your first **** up. You opened the door for this to happen. And you don't sound very remorseful at all. I would personally dump you. Tell her now so she doesn't figure out decades later down the line when she walks in on you going to dinner with another girl. I get the feeling your fiancee is a lot younger than you.


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## jayschmoove (Dec 25, 2020)

BruceBanner said:


> This was your first **** up. You opened the door for this to happen. And you don't sound very remorseful at all. I would personally dump you. Tell her now so she doesn't figure out decades later down the line when she walks in on you going to dinner with another girl. I get the feeling your fiancee is a lot younger than you.


I'm not sure why you think I'm not remorseful, as I've mentioned several times how I feel as though doing this was a mistake. 

Despite that, yes, I did enjoy having sex with her. I'm not going to pretend that I didn't. I got the chance to have sex with a beautiful, much younger woman in a foreign country, with no strings to her attached. I don't know many men who would turn that down. It's human nature, my friend.

If given the opportunity to have sex with her again tomorrow, would I, in my current situation? No, I would not.

My girlfriend (not yet fiance) is 33. A little younger than me, but not really the definition of "a lot", as you suggest.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

I'm gonna go against the grain here and suggest you take this secret to the grave with you. 

Hear me out. If you tell her, it's gonna hurt her. Bad. And for what? You had really just started dating her and like you said, you were not exclusive. It was a little shady but it wasn't cheating, technically. You made the choice when you first got back not to tell this girl and telling her now would make it worse.

What happens if you do not tell her? Well, unless she comes here and reads your thread, she will likely never know. Your Indian girl won't say a word and she's probably the only other person that knows. Keep it to yourself. I'm sure you feel guilty and that's the price you pay. 

If you guys had been exclusive at the time, I would advise telling her. Not exclusive...she doesn't need to know. It's shady but IMO it's the best option.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Has she asked about your prior relationships/sexual history? Any discussions about privacy and boundaries?


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## jayschmoove (Dec 25, 2020)

Enigma32 said:


> I'm gonna go against the grain here and suggest you take this secret to the grave with you.
> 
> Hear me out. If you tell her, it's gonna hurt her. Bad. And for what? You had really just started dating her and like you said, you were not exclusive. It was a little shady but it wasn't cheating, technically. You made the choice when you first got back not to tell this girl and telling her now would make it worse.
> 
> ...


That's the other side of the coin, and may well be what I do. 

This is the sort of thing a person needs to put some serious thought into. Obviously, if I tell her, I'll never be able to un-ring that bell.

My girlfriend doesn't use this site, so she won't read about it here. As for the Indian girl, I'm almost certain never to see her again and never go over there again, so even if she told somebody over there that we slept together, I doubt it'll make it back here.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

After reading the other posts I actually agree there is no reason to tell her. You two had not been sleeping together, the official exclusive date is muddy, etc.

I dated other people (not sleeping with, only dating) before my husband asked us to be exclusive. I think it’s normal to date and be casual. I also think it’s not a huge deal to sleep with multiple people before exclusivity, though it can be gross depending on timeframes.


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## jayschmoove (Dec 25, 2020)

Casual Observer said:


> Has she asked about your prior relationships/sexual history? Any discussions about privacy and boundaries?


No. At this point in our lives, at the ages we are now, I think we both understand that we've obviously been with other people, and the topic just never really came up.


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## jayschmoove (Dec 25, 2020)

moulinyx said:


> After reading the other posts I actually agree there is no reason to tell her. You two had not been sleeping together, the official exclusive date is muddy, etc.
> 
> I dated other people (not sleeping with, only dating) before my husband asked us to be exclusive. I think it’s normal to date and be casual. I also think it’s not a huge deal to sleep with multiple people before exclusivity, though it can be gross depending on timeframes.


Fair enough. I'll give you that, the fact that I slept with the Indian girl and my girlfriend within days of each other may have been a little classless (and not the sort of thing I have ever made a habit of doing, by the way).


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

jayschmoove said:


> Fair enough. I'll give you that, the fact that I slept with the Indian girl and my girlfriend within days of each other may have been a little classless (and not the sort of thing I have ever made a habit of doing, by the way).


Plenty of people have done it. I am not saying that makes it right.

You also weren’t sleeping with two people you were dating. You were dating one person, non-exclusively, and had a work fling in another country. Then you resumed normal life and moved forward when you returned.

That isn’t cheating in my book but is still hurtful. I think ignorance is bliss when it comes to that department. I wouldn’t want to know who my husband was sleeping with before we became exclusive? Zero grounds to be upset but would still feel crappy.


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## jayschmoove (Dec 25, 2020)

moulinyx said:


> Plenty of people have done it. I am not saying that makes it right.
> 
> You also weren’t sleeping with two people you were dating. You were dating one person, non-exclusively, and had a work fling in another country. Then you resumed normal life and moved forward when you returned.
> 
> That isn’t cheating in my book but is still hurtful. I think ignorance is bliss when it comes to that department. I wouldn’t want to know who my husband was sleeping with before we became exclusive? Zero grounds to be upset but would still feel crappy.


I like the way you think. It seems reasonable, and I'm not saying that just because some of what you're saying is what I want to hear.

Part of me thinks there's nothing to be gained, and everything to lose, by mentioning this, so that's why I'm considering just sending it down the rabbit hole, so to speak.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

jayschmoove said:


> I like the way you think. It seems reasonable, and I'm not saying that just because some of what you're saying is what I want to hear.
> 
> Part of me thinks there's nothing to be gained, and everything to lose, by mentioning this, so that's why I'm considering just sending it down the rabbit hole, so to speak.


This doesn’t have a perfect answer! Just sharing what I would want. I’d feel hurt and gross but know it technically was in a grey area. If you two were already exclusive then yeah, you cheated and that sucks.

Also given she is in her 30’s, I think the confession would annoy her at this point.


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## jayschmoove (Dec 25, 2020)

moulinyx said:


> This doesn’t have a perfect answer! Just sharing what I would want. I’d feel hurt and gross but know it technically was in a grey area. If you two were already exclusive then yeah, you cheated and that sucks.
> 
> Also given she is in her 30’s, I think the confession would annoy her at this point.


You're may be right about your last sentence. She's not really the type to get sensitive about her age as far as I know, but the Indian girl was, I believe, 22. I don't want my girlfriend to feel she needs to measure up, or compare, or anything.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

jayschmoove said:


> You're may be right about your last sentence. She's not really the type to get sensitive about her age as far as I know, but the Indian girl was, I believe, 22. I don't want my girlfriend to feel she needs to measure up, or compare, or anything.


What I meant by the age comment is your girlfriend is at a more mature era of her life to where she may see this confession as unnecessary. I would.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

It’s a grey area due to the fact your relationship with your current girlfriend was just in the dating phase. I don’t think it’s cheating. If she ever ask then be honest. Otherwise take it to the grave. You were dating and exclusive had not been established. I think your thinking about it too much.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

jayschmoove said:


> Fair enough. I'll give you that, the fact that I slept with the Indian girl and my girlfriend within days of each other may have been a little classless (and not the sort of thing I have ever made a habit of doing, by the way).


You and some others on this site act like dating has some sort of official rules codified in a manaul. (If you go out more than x times, its de facto, exclusive and neither can date anyone else. If you sleep with one chick you've dated, youre not allowed to sleep with another chick for x number of days) I got news for you Dawg. It will wash off.
First, by your own admission, you did not mislead your current chick by saying or implying you were exclusive. The fact you hung out with and tapped the Indian chick proves that. Second, you don't know your chick wasn't seeing other guys while you were overseas. Nothing wrong with that cuz y'all weren't exclusive. Third, since you weren't exclusive, neither of you owe the other an accounting of what y'all did while thousands of miles apart. Fourth, either of you would be a damn fool for discussing such. Nothing good will come from it. Fifth, If I'd been in your shoes, I'd nailed the Indian chick myself. So would most of the other cats on this site, unless they swing in the other direction.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

If you were not exclusive but just dating I don't think you cheated. Telling her is entirely up to you. I feel like if you were just in the early stages of dating (one month would for me be like baby stages) it's not really her businesses. I mean do you have discussions about sex, was this ONS out of charicter for you in the sense that you told your girlfriend that ONS were not your thing? I could see that causing some issues maybe. How would you feel if you found out your girlfriend was seeing someone else at this time?

If it was me I wouldn't lie to her but I don't think I would mention it. It was in the past, you were only in the very early stages of dating. If it had happened only a month earlier you wouldn't even be thinking about it. Now I am also assuming partically because you at least feel some concern about it you would never had done this if you HAD been exclusive. 

The one caveat I would be if this is the only ONS in your life and you have sold yourself as a person who sees sex as very sacred, in the sense that you normally have to know someone very well to have sex with them. In this case I don't think you did anything wrong but it may change the nature of how she thinks about your attitude towards sex and it's probably good to inform her so that she can make her decision with as much information possible. I am assuming this is not the case.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

What if while you were in India, she had met a hot guy, and they got to know each other, and decided to have sex a few days before you came home. 

He was off to another foreign country the next day. 

How would you feel about the great sex she had with him while you were gone? Would you want to know about it?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

How many dates could you actually had in a month. Did you know your girlfriend before that? What was the context of discussing exclusivity in the middle of your first month dating? That seems extremely fast.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

You hadn't even had sex with her and you weren't exclusive. She may have been with someone else, or others while you were away or before you had sex together.

So it isn't a big deal and it isn't her business.

What you do is up to you. Yet I wouldn't tell her about it because absent having a sexual relationship with her at the time, you owed her no sexual fidelity at all.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

If you were truly in an official "relationship" with your (now) fiancée at the time of the India trip, then it would be cheating and you should tell her. However, it's not clear to me that you WERE in any sort of relationship, and I am not sure why you (and other posters) would consider it cheating. 

You were in the first weeks of your relationship. You hadn't even had sexual contact with her. I'm not sure why you or some of the posters here think that constitutes some sort of commitment. Does another person get a claim on you just because you went out on a date together once, or twice or even three times? I don't think so. 

So, no, I don't consider this cheating at all. I consider it part of your sexual/dating history before you and your girlfriend/fiancée became a couple. 

(If you and she have a "tell all previous sexual history" kind of relationship, you should tell her in the spirit of honesty and complete transparency, but I certainly wouldn't be apologetic about it. It's part of your history before you two became a couple. However, if you and she have a "don't ask, don't tell" sort of approach to your prior relationships, then I don't see any reason to bring it up, as it constitutes a prior relationship, in my book.)


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## JustTheWife (Nov 1, 2017)

It's a very personal decision and our opinions don't matter. Although many have strong opinions, there is no right or wrong. She'd likely get upset because now you're in a serious relationship, it will be seen to be retroactive and how you met, your first dates, etc take on special meaning that they wouldn't have if you just dated casually and parted ways. Don't pollute the "magic" of the first days of a relationship that will have led to marriage with this meaningless detail.

Just treat it like a nice memory of an "old fling" and forget about the detail that it overlapped with your casual dating at the beginning.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I don't consider this as cheating since you were not exclusive with your gf and had not had sex, but your own conscience and values clearly influence how _you_ think about it, and how you feel about what you should do about it. The best time to have addressed this would have been right after you returned from your trip, not a year later. It's not too late either way, but will probably have a greater negative impact now than back then. Have you also both discussed all your other, previous sex partners? If not, then this one is no different. If so, then it's time to update each other.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

jayschmoove said:


> Early in our relationship (within the first month or so) I traveled to India for a month to conduct business.


I'll probably get skewered for this, but UNLESS you'd had the *exclusivity* talk or you had a 'sexual exclusivity' agreement with your new girlfriend, then I don't think you did anything wrong with the woman in India.

I don't understand how this is considered "cheating." It's not.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

jayschmoove said:


> I'm a 40 year old man who has been in a relationship with my girlfriend for about a year, and we are strongly considering marrying in the not too distant future.
> 
> Early in our relationship (within the first month or so) I traveled to India for a month to conduct business. My liaison to the firm with which I was working was an attractive Indian woman in her early 20s. We spent a lot of time together during my visit and, although we maintained a professional relationship throughout the month, we genuinely did enjoy each other's company.
> 
> ...


You need to put it on the table and let her decide. She might just have some legitimate questions regarding your character and your future.

She needs disclosure to give informed consent.

Wouldn't you want the same?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

jayschmoove said:


> Before I took the trip, you mean? No, at that time, we had not. Our first time was a few days after I returned.


You see, that was you gambling with her health and taking away her agency.

Do you think she deserved to give informed consent after you had so recently had sex with a total stranger?

Wouldn't you have wanted to be able to make an informed decision if she had sex with a total stranger a few days earlier?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

jayschmoove said:


> Fair enough. I'll give you that, the fact that I slept with the Indian girl and my girlfriend within days of each other may have been a little classless (and not the sort of thing I have ever made a habit of doing, by the way).


Don't forget dangerous on top of gross.

You had no way of knowing if you had picked up anything you could have given her.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

jayschmoove said:


> I'm not entirely sure. Neither of us had been out with anyone else during that time and we had discussed being exclusive, *but there was no point blank "Yes, we are" or "No, we aren't"*


You were not exclusive, you didn't cheat.
My strong advice: No, don't disclose. If you do you will gain nothing!


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I wouldn't have sex with someone unless I knew their sexual history regarding recent exposure/new partners.


ConanHub said:


> You see, that was you gambling with her health and taking away her agency.
> 
> Do you think she deserved to give informed consent after you had so recently had sex with a total stranger?
> 
> Wouldn't you have wanted to be able to make an informed decision if she had sex with a total stranger a few days earlier?


The thing is, they had only been on a few dates, hadn't had sex, and hadn't had an exclusivity talk yet. If she was wondering what his sexual status was, she should have asked before having sex with him. I mean, if his encounter with this woman had happened just before he met his girlfriend, her exposure would have been the same. It still would have been a recent exposure. The only difference is a few weeks.

If you are careful, you ASK a man you are going to have sex with when the last time he had a new sexual partner and/or if he had an STI panel run since his last partner.

Sounds like she didn't even ask.

I sure would ask a new partner about his recent exposure. She didn't.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Lots of advice not to tell her because it will cause problems. 
If it doesn’t matter, why would it cause problems?


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> Don't forget dangerous on top of gross.
> 
> You had no way of knowing if you had picked up anything you could have given her.


And even if using “protection” you can still get herpes. There’s a degree of irresponsibility that goes along with adding a sex partner within days of a prior encounter, and not disclosing it. As you’re pointing out, ethics here is about more than the “meaning” of what went down. It’s dangerous. Something not spoken of here that much.

One more thing along those lines. This 22 year old was in her fertile prime. I would be making darned sure his DNA hadn’t replicated. Can you imagine discovering, after getting married to someone, that he had a kid, and working the age backward...


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Casual Observer said:


> And even if using “protection” you can still get herpes. There’s a degree of irresponsibility that goes along with adding a sex partner within days of a prior encounter, and not disclosing it. As you’re pointing out, ethics here is about more than the “meaning” of what went down. It’s dangerous. Something not spoken of here that much.
> 
> One more thing along those lines. This 22 year old was in her fertile prime. I would be making darned sure his DNA hadn’t replicated. Can you imagine discovering, after getting married to someone, that he had a kid, and working the age backward...


Yeah, I'm confused. Isn't it on the adult woman to ASK about someone's sexual history before ****ing them, if they care about their own health???

I sure think it is.

She should/could have asked is it was anything that mattered to her. At the point she had sex with him the first time they had only been on a handful of dates. Basically, she didn't really know him well.

She should have asked. The absence of a conversation about sexual partners and STI potential exposure really falls on her.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

And I'll up that standard by saying I wouldn't just ask. Make testing a requirement prior to sex. Do it together. 🙂

You'll very quickly discover your value to another person.

/tj public service announcement 😬 



Livvie said:


> She should have asked.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

Sometimes I feel like I am in a different world than some people who give advice online. I am 42 years old, dated my share, had a few long term relationships, you name it. In all that time, I have never once had anyone ask me about my sexual history in terms of their health. I've never had anyone suggest I get tested, and definitely not anyone that suggested that we get tested together. I have run into a few ladies that let me know they had a condition or whatever, that way I could make an informed decision about where I wanted to take things with her. To me, that seems to be how most civilized people handle this sort of thing. I dunno, maybe I am just crazy.

OP here went to a foreign country and hooked up with a hot young girl. Trust me, that's fun stuff. That sort of thing simply wouldn't happen for the "let's get tested together" crowd.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Livvie said:


> Yeah, I'm confused. Isn't it on the adult woman to ASK about someone's sexual history before ****ing them, if they care about their own health???
> 
> I sure think it is.
> 
> ...


What don't know how that initial encounter with her possible fiance went down. She may have; he may have given her assurances of some sort. We don't know if one or both of them may have been a bit impaired (it doesn't take much to cloud judgement). We do know that OP feels a bit conflicted and/or guilty about her not knowing though. We don't have the whole story, but there is a feeling that maybe things went on that shouldn't have (or else why would he be here?). When that happens, it's normal to try and put forth the "facts" in a manner which doesn't make you look so bad. Of all the ridiculous things said about "human nature" when it comes to sex, I think this (putting forth facts in a way that makes you look better) is one of the more-likely truisms.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Casual Observer said:


> What don't know how that initial encounter with her possible fiance went down. She may have; he may have given her assurances of some sort. We don't know if one or both of them may have been a bit impaired (it doesn't take much to cloud judgement).


Doesn't sound like she asked and he evaded. At all.

I'd wager a lot SHE DIDN'T ASK.

Also, impairment, really? 

If she was too impaired by drugs or alcohol to ask about STI status before having sex with someone before the first time, that's on her, as well. Don't get so ****ed up/impaired that you forget to ask about these things. That's what being an adult entails. No one else is gonna babysit your body for you.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Enigma32 said:


> Sometimes I feel like I am in a different world than some people who give advice online. I am 42 years old, dated my share, had a few long term relationships, you name it. In all that time, I have never once had anyone ask me about my sexual history in terms of their health. I've never had anyone suggest I get tested, and definitely not anyone that suggested that we get tested together. I have run into a few ladies that let me know they had a condition or whatever, that way I could make an informed decision about where I wanted to take things with her. To me, that seems to be how most civilized people handle this sort of thing. I dunno, maybe I am just crazy.
> 
> OP here went to a foreign country and hooked up with a hot young girl. Trust me, that's fun stuff. That sort of thing simply wouldn't happen for the "let's get tested together" crowd.


Yeah, I've NEVER had anyone ask me to get tested before a sexual relationship. I've had myself tested occasionally to establish for myself that I didn't have anything that could harm anyone else. And like @Enigma32, I've been told of a condition someone already had, before we had sex so as to decide what to do - if anything. Caution - and precautions - are always a good idea.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Yes you must tell her, especially as you are not even married yet. She needs to know so that she can make an informed decision as to whether to get married to you. You dont want to build a marriage on a rocky foundation surely? On secrets and deception? Many people think that once you are dating you should not have 2 or 3 others you are also dating and you did have sex with her after all.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

jayschmoove said:


> I like the way you think. It seems reasonable, and I'm not saying that just because some of what you're saying is what I want to hear.
> 
> Part of me thinks there's nothing to be gained, and everything to lose, by mentioning this, so that's why I'm considering just sending it down the rabbit hole, so to speak.


There is a lot to be gained for her, she will gain the knowledge that will enable her to make a fully informed decision on a future marriage to you. She may not be worried but she may think its a big deal, you must give her that chance to decide for herself. If she ever didn find our years down the line, the secrets you kept would make it far worse than telling her now. There should be no secrets between 2 people who are thinking of marriage. .


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I'll probably get skewered for this, but UNLESS you'd had the *exclusivity* talk or you had a 'sexual exclusivity' agreement with your new girlfriend, then I don't think you did anything wrong with the woman in India.
> 
> I don't understand how this is considered "cheating." It's not.


Many people assume that once you are dating you dont see others behind their back, especially having sex with them.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

The title you picked for your thread is also very telling of how YOU would describe what you did.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I see that many here go on about the 'exclusivity talk.' Many people who have started dating someone would never dream of dating someone else at the same time and no 'exclusivity talk' is ever needed. This man had sex with another woman, and should have told his girlfriend at the time, especially as he could well have given her an STD. Unless he wants to start his marriage with secrets and lies, yes please tell her, she deserves to know and you KNOW it inside. Of course you dont want to tell her, she may not like it and it wont be easy, but its the manly and mature and honest thing to do. Don't be a coward.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Livvie said:


> Doesn't sound like she asked and he evaded. At all.
> 
> I'd wager a lot SHE DIDN'T ASK.
> 
> ...


You and I are 100% of the same thinking on how we conduct our own affairs. 
You and I are not the norm.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

jayschmoove said:


> I'm a 40 year old man who has been in a relationship with my girlfriend for about a year, and we are strongly considering marrying in the not too distant future.
> 
> Early in our relationship (within the first month or so) I traveled to India for a month to conduct business. My liaison to the firm with which I was working was an attractive Indian woman in her early 20s. We spent a lot of time together during my visit and, although we maintained a professional relationship throughout the month, we genuinely did enjoy each other's company.
> 
> ...


It depends, if you were not dating each other exclusively, then I guess you reserve the right to do what you did, therefore, don't need to disclose it. If you both agreed to be committed, even early on, then you should tell her the truth. It would be right for her to know what you're about. But you can NOT tell her...you weren't married technically... Also...

*For additional information: my workplace is no longer in business with the Indian company, so there is exactly zero chance that I will ever need to be over there again, and if, for some reason, the opportunity to go back in the future ever came up, I am able to decline.*

What's that about? At this point of the relationship, you don't even sound sure you would remain faithful if the opportunity arose again....


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> Many people assume that once you are dating you dont see others behind their back, especially having sex with them.


They had been on three dates. They had not had sex. They had not talked about being exclusive. I'd hardly call that seeing someone behind her back.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

GC1234 said:


> It depends, if you were not dating each other exclusively, then I guess you reserve the right to do what you did, therefore, don't need to disclose it. If you both agreed to be committed, even early on, then you should tell her the truth. It would be right for her to know what you're about. But you can NOT tell her...you weren't married technically... Also...
> 
> *For additional information: my workplace is no longer in business with the Indian company, so there is exactly zero chance that I will ever need to be over there again, and if, for some reason, the opportunity to go back in the future ever came up, I am able to decline.*
> 
> What's that about? At this point of the relationship, you don't even sound sure you would remain faithful if the opportunity arose again....


He's talking about he never has to go back to that area of the world. He could decline.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> I see that many here go on about the 'exclusivity talk.' Many people who have started dating someone would never dream of dating someone else at the same time and no 'exclusivity talk' is ever needed. This man had sex with another woman, and should have told his girlfriend at the time, especially as he could well have given her an STD. Unless he wants to start his marriage with secrets and lies, yes please tell her, she deserves to know and you KNOW it inside. Of course you dont want to tell her, she may not like it and it wont be easy, but its the manly and mature and honest thing to do. Don't be a coward.


They had not had sex yet. If she was worried about his sexual past, and who he had been with and when, she should have asked. They had only known each other a few weeks. This foreign woman could have been someone he was with right before they had their first date and it would be a similar exposure. Just because he slept with this foreign woman after their first couple of dates does not alter the timeframe -- it still would have been recent. If she was worried about who her new sexual partner has been with recently, SHE SHOULD HAVE ASKED.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Livvie said:


> He's talking about he never has to go back to that area of the world. He could decline.


Oh, you're right...I misinterpreted that.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> I see that many here go on about the 'exclusivity talk.' Many people who have started dating someone would never dream of dating someone else at the same time and no 'exclusivity talk' is ever needed. This man had sex with another woman, and should have told his girlfriend at the time, especially as he could well have given her an STD. Unless he wants to start his marriage with secrets and lies, yes please tell her, she deserves to know and you KNOW it inside. Of course you dont want to tell her, she may not like it and it wont be easy, but its the manly and mature and honest thing to do. Don't be a coward.


It's presumptuous to _assume_ a man wants to be exclusive with you after just a few dates, no sex, there are a ton of men who will tell you that if a woman assumes exclusivity from him, with no discussion, after just a few dates (that weren't sexually intimate), they would laugh their asses off.

It goes both ways. Let's say I go on three dates with a man, no sex.... likely I'm still deciding if I even like him and if I want to further date him or progress sexually. No way would I like it if a man I barely knew automatically, WITHOUT DISCUSSION assumed exclusivity.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

@jayschmoove who you had sex with before having sex with your current sexual partner isn't a big deal. Plus absent infecting her with a communicable infection/disease, she has no entitlement to any of your sexual history that happened before being with her sexually.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Livvie said:


> They had been on three dates. They had not had sex. They had not talked about being exclusive. I'd hardly call that seeing someone behind her back.


A lot of people wouldnt be dating one person and have sex with another behind their back whether is was 3 dates or 30. Not having had sex is no test of whether a relationship is going to last. You really dont have to talk about whether you are 'exclusive' to act properly.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Livvie said:


> It's presumptuous to _assume_ a man wants to be exclusive with you after just a few dates, no sex, there are a ton of men who will tell you that if a woman assumes exclusivity from him, with no discussion, after just a few dates (that weren't sexually intimate), they would laugh their asses off.
> 
> It goes both ways. Let's say I go on three dates with a man, no sex.... likely I'm still deciding if I even like him and if I want to further date him or progress sexually. No way would I like it if a man I barely knew automatically, WITHOUT DISCUSSION assumed exclusivity.


There maybe a ton of men who think that, but there are also a ton of men who would act better than that. Its also irrelevant as to whether they had sex or not, many people have really serious relationships where they havent had sex yet. I knew after 3 dates that I wanted to marry my husband, it happens.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Casual Observer said:


> You and I are 100% of the same thinking on how we conduct our own affairs.
> You and I are not the norm.


So she should have asked him not to to abroad and cheat on her? Maybe she thought he was a better man than that.


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## nypsychnurse (Jan 13, 2019)

OP...what would be the purpose of telling her something that would surely hurt?
To absolve you from guilt? To obtain forgiveness? Please, see a clergyman! 
I assure you that No good can possibly come from telling her, and it will likely change the trajectory of BOTH of your lives. 
She may not dump you, but you will have planted a seed of distrust that can only grow...
Have you done anything else that you would consider dishonorable during the relationship? If not...consider that you now have the opportunity to spend the rest of your life being a better man than the one that came back from India ...and the world needs more of those.

Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> A lot of people wouldnt be dating one person and have sex with another behind their back whether is was 3 dates or 30. Not having had sex is no test of whether a relationship is going to last. You really dont have to talk about whether you are 'exclusive' to act properly.


Well you and others like you can tilt at windmills to no end all you like.

Yet the reality is many people don't consider going on a few dates with someone (especially without sharing sex and even then it can apply if sex has been shared), makes for a significant and or exclusive romantic/sexual relationship.

Given that many people simply aren't going to buy the schtick that you're peddling. So they are going to carry on acting properly as they already do, even if it doesn't conform with the bigotry of others.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> So she should have asked him not to to abroad and cheat on her? Maybe she thought he was a better man than that.


He didn't cheat on her! Having sex with someone while dating someone else with no commitment or promises to the person being dated, not to have sex with others does not qualify as cheating.

Seriously you carry on about vows of sexual fidelity being important all the time, yet here you are peddling a "choose your own hypocritical adventure". By claiming that sexual exclusivity and commitment ought to be afforded, in the absence of a sexual relationship and a commitment to sexual exclusivity.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Personal said:


> He didn't cheat on her! Having sex with someone while dating someone else with no commitment or promises to the person being dated, not to have sex with others does not qualify as cheating.
> 
> Seriously you carry on about vows of sexual fidelity being important all the time, yet here you are peddling a "choose your own hypocritical adventure". By claiming that sexual exclusivity and commitment ought to be afforded, in the absence of a sexual relationship and a commitment to sexual exclusivity.


You dont know what she felt after that time, she may already have felt this was something special, just like I did and just like others do. Either way its something that needs be talked about or the marriage will start with rocky foundations. The fact that he has come here shows that he feels guilty about it and she deserves to know what happened or she can't make an informed consent to marry him.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> You dont know what she felt after that time, she may already have felt this was something special, just like I did and just like others do. Either way its something that needs be talked about or the marriage will start with rocky foundations. The fact that he has come here shows that he feels guilty about it and she deserves to know what happened or she can't make an informed consent to marry him.


There is no "rocky foundation".

They had only been on a few dates, weren't having sex at the time, and weren't exclusive.


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## nypsychnurse (Jan 13, 2019)

There is no "Rocky foundation" unless he tells her what's on his mind...then it will be rocky for sure!

Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

What nuts and bolts benefit to your current relationship will be achieved by disclosing?

The harm and problems it will cause is quite evident, but what will the benefit be?

More specifically what benefit to your GF will be achieved? How will she benefit from this knowledge?

If you are having the guilts now it might make YOU feel better getting it off your chest, but how will it make HER feel and how will that disclosure benefit her?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

you were two single people just starting to date when this happened. 

Dating by its very nature is noncommittal. It is spending time with someone to get to know them and see if both of you are the right match for each other. 

By its nature there is no commitment during the dating phase and either party can walk away. 

The commitment states when both parties discuss commitment and mutually agree to it. 

And also, how do you know that SHE didn’t see anyone or hook up while you were gone? It would have been her right as well. 

IMHO it is irrelevant now. It’s irrelevant unless you make it relevant. 

If you put it behind you and move forward, it’s irrelevant. It won’t matter.

If you bring it up now, you are making it matter. 

This is your cross to bear. Why put your cross on her shoulders to make yourself feel better???


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Personal said:


> @jayschmoove who you had sex with before having sex with your current sexual partner isn't a big deal. Plus absent infecting her with a communicable infection/disease, she has no entitlement to any of your sexual history that happened before being with her sexually.


There are different perspectives here. You can play it this way and it is certainly your business.

I don't. If a woman is dating me and plays off on some cultural acceptance of the "exclusivity" talk to bang some stranger a month into dating me, she is history as soon as I find out.

She could probably just get away with it if I didn't catch anything and no one that witnessed it was ever in our lives after but it would reflect poorly on her character given I make no secret about my expectations and she would know she had crossed a line with me.

OP hopefully knows his fiance enough to correctly gauge what she would require because her opinion is really the only consideration here.

So @jayschmoove , the only real issue here is what do you believe your fiance would want?

I don't believe you're evil personally, just a little opportunistic and a little shady where your interests are concerned.

If you know your fiance well enough to marry her, do you know her stance on fidelity during the first month of your dating?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> Yes you must tell her, especially as you are not even married yet. She needs to know so that she can make an informed decision as to whether to get married to you. You dont want to build a marriage on a rocky foundation surely? On secrets and deception? Many people think that once you are dating you should not have 2 or 3 others you are also dating and you did have sex with her after all.


They are single adults in 2020. If they are not assuming that the other has a sexual history with others - they are wrong.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> They are single adults in 2020. If they are not assuming that the other has a sexual history with others - they are wrong.


There is a big difference of sexual history and sexual history while dating me. Aslo during the month he was gone were they talking? calling? sexting? or was it radio silence. There is also a big difference in talking with me on a regular basis and then sleeping with some chick just because you can. This question was asked before and not answered. Which is probably an answer.

What does it help the fiance? Well she can make an informed decision as to who she is hooking her wagon to for a lifetime. And if she finds out later it will be so much worse.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Anastasia6 said:


> There is a big difference of sexual history and sexual history while dating me. Aslo during the month he was gone were they talking? calling? sexting? or was it radio silence. There is also a big difference in talking with me on a regular basis and then sleeping with some chick just because you can. This question was asked before and not answered. Which is probably an answer.
> 
> What does it help the fiance? Well she can make an informed decision as to who she is hooking her wagon to for a lifetime. And if she finds out later it will be so much worse.


Single adults are single until they are not.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

These were 30 year old single adults that had just started dating.

There should be no presumption of exclusivity until it is mutually agreed to be exclusive. 

In regards to STIs, as @Livvie said above, if they had unprotected sex without addressing sexual health status first, that is their own irresponsibility (both him and her)

He has since tested negative and if they now have an exclusivity agreement, then what was done prior is frankly none of her business.

Nor is it any of his business if she screwed 20 guys while he was gone.

People are not entitled to other people’s prior activities. 

You have a right to protect yourself and require safer sex practices.

You have a right to ask for testing before engaging in sexual activity.

But you are not entitled to know The Who, what, when, where of other people’s private life before entering a relationship with you. 

He is entitled to his privacy while he was on that trip just as she is entitled to her privacy of when he was gone. 

They were not an exclusive, committed couple at that time. 

That may be a little more hardball than some care to play but it is a reality with single adults. 

If you can’t play in that league, then you have the right to ask for testing, exclusivity and commitment in the first few dates. People either will agree to that or they won’t.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

ConanHub said:


> given I make no secret about my expectations and she would know she had crossed a line with me.


That above is a key point. If you are that open about your expectations very early in a dating situation, then it is up to her whether to agree and comply with it, tell you take a hike, or roll the dice and take her chances on getting away with it.

If she rolls the dice and gets busted, then she had made an informed choice when she gets the boot.

But his GF had made no such demands or such expectations known.

For all we know, she may have been dating and banging other people as well. 

These were 30 year old single adults. They could each do as they please until such an understanding not to see others was reached.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> They are single adults in 2020. If they are not assuming that the other has a sexual history with others - they are wrong.


What happened before they knew each other isnt the same as after they started dating. The OP himself calls it cheating on his thread title, it is.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> That above is a key point. If you are that open about your expectations very early in a dating situation, then it is up to her whether to agree and comply with it, tell you take a hike, or roll the dice and take her chances on getting away with it.
> 
> If she rolls the dice and gets busted, then she had made an informed choice when she gets the boot.
> 
> ...


Why should we have to 'spell anything out' once we are dating someone? We should hope that both will act in a proper way and not be seeing someone secretly on the side. If I felt I had to spell out to a man I was dating that I didnt want him to be seeing someone else at the same time, then I would know I was with the wrong man. The Ops partner may well have thought that he wouldnt act that way, she deserves to know, and if its such a little unimportant minor thing as you say then why does the OP think he must hide it? He should have no problem at at with telling her if its not an issue. I dount he will do the courageous thing though, he will probably take the easy way out egged on by you and others.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> What happened before they knew each other isnt the same as after they started dating. The OP himself calls it cheating on his thread title, it is.


That’s his cross to bear and his own sense of morality and ethics. 

If he can’t live with this without disclosing it to her and he cannot go forward with relationship with this on his chest and won’t be able to have a healthy and functional marriage with her without disclosing this, then he should tell her.

But as I said in an earlier post, that may relieve him of some of his guilt and make HIM feel better - but there is no nuts and bolts benefit for HER. 

And whatever he did as a single man before they were seriously dating or in a committed relationship isn’t any of her business unless he makes it her business.

She isn’t entitled to know what he has done in his personal life before her just like he is not entitled to her private life before him.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> Why should we have to 'spell anything out' once we are dating someone? We should hope that both will act in a proper way and not be seeing someone secretly on the side. If I felt I had to spell out to a man I was dating that I didnt want him to be seeing someone else at the same time, then I would know I was with the wrong man. The Ops partner may well have thought that he wouldnt act that way, she deserves to know, and if its such a little unimportant minor thing as you say then why does the OP think he must hide it? He should have no problem at at with telling her if its not an issue. I dount he will do the courageous thing though, he will probably take the easy way out egged on by you and others.


It’s not really an easy way out. It is simply a reality of the times. 

Single 30 year olds in 2020 have sex lives. And they have a variety of relationship and sexual paradigms.

In the 1950s-60s where young adults were highly supervised and chaperoned and typical age of marriage was the early 20s for men and late teens for women, people could afford a little more assumption.

But for 30 year old, single adults today - just no. One cannot presume sexual exclusivity because there has been a few dates. 

Maybe that would be a better world if that were the case, but it simply isn’t a reality. 

A state of sexuality exclusivity/commitment does not exist until it is mutually agreed and understood. 

We can all dream and wish upon stars that once we have our first date with someone that they automatically cease and desist all other romantic and sexual activities. 

But that simply is not a reality and not a presumption that anyone can afford to make.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> . I dount he will do the courageous thing though, he will probably take the easy way out egged on by you and others.


It’s not courageous to disclose this as it will have no benefit to her. One can argue it may even be cowardly and irresponsible since from what I can tell it would just be to relieve his own sense of guilt. 

And it’s not the easy way out. I many ways it may even even be a bit more harsh.

I and others are not “egging him on.”

We are pointing out the realities of the situation. 

One of these that she did not inquire about nor ask for exclusivity could very likely be because SHE was seeing other people at that time as well. 

They are both entitled to their own privacy from before they became a committed couple. 

In many of these situations it’s best to late those sleeping dogs lay. 

There’s no benefit here but a high potential of problems. 

Creating problems for which there is no need is not courageous- it’s dumb.

And leaving past personal and private matters that have no relevance or meaning today in the past is not “the easy way out”, it is simply prudent.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

oldshirt said:


> That above is a key point. If you are that open about your expectations very early in a dating situation, then it is up to her whether to agree and comply with it, tell you take a hike, or roll the dice and take her chances on getting away with it.
> 
> If she rolls the dice and gets busted, then she had made an informed choice when she gets the boot.
> 
> ...


Yeah, that's why I included that the only important consideration is his fiance's outlook and opinion.

Hopefully he has some idea about what she expects.

I have a pretty solid notion he knows she would be ticked and would want to know so he is throwing it on the internet.

No one here knows what her position is except the OP obviously knows her well enough to marry her so he should know the answer.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> Why should we have to 'spell anything out' once we are dating someone?


It's simple really, not all of us think alike or share the same perspective. So what you consider proper behaviour, may be vastly different from what someone else considers proper behaviour.

Absent spelling it out, one may find themselves dating someone who doesn't think going on a few dates or even having sex affords any sexual fidelity or disclosure of any sexual activity before or during knowing them.

Which is why it is best to discuss such things if they matter to anyone involved, otherwise people will do what they presume, just like others will do whatever else they presume alternately as well.

So the reality is if you don't spell it out, you may not get what you are hoping for. Since no-one is a mind reader.



> We should hope that both will act in a proper way and not be seeing someone secretly on the side.


Your version of proper is not always my version of proper and someone else's version of proper isn't always either of our versions of proper. So it is a fools errand for anyone to presume and expect other people to conform with their way, when many others don't always share ones world view.



> If I felt I had to spell out to a man I was dating that I didnt want him to be seeing someone else at the same time, then I would know I was with the wrong man.


Well absent spelling such things out, someone like you may find themselves dating someone who is having sex with others while happily dating the presumptive person with no compulsion to disclose anything to them.



> The Ops partner may well have thought that he wouldnt act that way, she deserves to know, and if its such a little unimportant minor thing as you say then why does the OP think he must hide it?


Just as @jayschmoove's partner may well have expected him to act that way and not talk about it. That's the trouble with presumption, you never know what you're going to get.

And no she doesn't deserve to know, since there is no entitlement to this, absent any promises being made. Seriously outside of a promise of sexual fidelity/exclusivity being made, he owed her no fidelity and outside of having a sex life with her at the time, she has no right to his private sex life, prior to her being an actual part of his sex life either.

At the end of the day outside of having a mutually verbalised agreement to a commitment of sexual fidelity, neither of them owe each other anything in terms of sex life disclosure outside of having any STD/STI's and they certainly don't owe one another sexual fidelity.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

What I want to know is if the OP had the std tests done before or after he had sex with his now girlfriend. When did he start to worry about it?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> It’s not courageous to disclose this as it will have no benefit to her. One can argue it may even be cowardly and irresponsible since from what I can tell it would just be to relieve his own sense of guilt.
> 
> And it’s not the easy way out. I many ways it may even even be a bit more harsh.
> 
> ...


They are not married, she has a right to know the man she may be marrying. She has a right to know that after they started dating that he had sex with another woman. She may not think its important but thats not for him to decide, its for her to decide. 
Now if it was many years later and they were now happily married with children, that may mean our advise is different but they are still just dating so he needs to tell her, and yes it is the brave thing to do, the easiest thing to do would be not to tell her. I dont believe that lying to our partner is in anyway the right way to start a marriage.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> They are not married, she has a right to know the man she may be marrying. She has a right to know that after they started dating that he had sex with another woman. She may not think its important but thats not for him to decide, its for her to decide.
> Now if it was many years later and they were now happily married with children, that may mean our advise is different but they are still just dating so he needs to tell her, and yes it is the brave thing to do, the easiest thing to do would be not to tell her. I dont believe that lying to our partner is in anyway the right way to start a marriage.


She could have asked about his sexual history, including how long ago his last sexual partner was, BUT SHE DIDN'T. There was no lying. They had only been on a few dates and weren't exclusive.

You continue to judge and condemn and label others based on your dating assumptions and presumptions.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Livvie said:


> She could have asked about his sexual history, including how long ago his last sexual partner was, BUT SHE DIDN'T. There was no lying. They had only been on a few dates and weren't exclusive.
> 
> You continue to judge and condemn and label others based on your dating assumptions and presumptions.


 I agree that it wasn't techincally lying but was a huge ommission if they had the kind of conversations folks usually should have before marriage (past partners, serious relationships, flings etc). Usually before things got serious I would at least want to know when was the last time that person slept with someone else and was it serious. If you are marrying somoene you should know their sexual history, financial history etc. and they yours. Do you know hers, OP? If not, don't you want to know? If you haven't discussed what your respective ideas of fidelity are, it would probably be a very important conversation to have for both of you. Do you know each other's debt? What you both plan to do about your folks, should they need care later in life? I wish I had had that conversation with my XH before we married. Could have saved myself a lot of heartache.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Livvie said:


> She could have asked about his sexual history, including how long ago his last sexual partner was, BUT SHE DIDN'T. There was no lying. They had only been on a few dates and weren't exclusive.
> 
> You continue to judge and condemn and label others based on your dating assumptions and presumptions.


THIS ^^^^^^^^^

If it mattered to her, she would have asked already. 

If it was part of her value system and moral framework , she would have already addressed it. 

She didn’t ask and didn’t hold a press conference with him about this because she didn’t want to. She has a right to privacy and he has a right to his.

Those of you who do value this kind of disclosure, bring it up and discuss it. 

People who don’t share that value or who do not want to discuss prior private matters, don’t.

Your morals and values are not universal.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

oldshirt said:


> THIS ^^^^^^^^^
> 
> If it mattered to her, she would have asked already.
> 
> ...


Yeah. A lot could be cleared up by OP enlightening us on his fiance's views on the subject.

Their understanding kind of needs spelled out or the rest of us are just kind of pitting our own perspectives against each other's.

I don't see anything here that is terribly off about any of our personal views but OP shouldn't be concerned about is at all.

He should only be concerned about the understanding between himself and his lady.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

I've only read through the first page of responses, so I don't know if this was said already or not, but...

If I were her, I would NOT care to be told about this if it was no threat to my relationship with a guy. It would be information that might hurt me to know, and could make me question his feelings about ME in ways that have no benefit at all to me. I would also wonder why he was bringing it up all of a sudden, as I might wonder if it meant he was thinking of that woman alot instead of me. 

You unloading your conscience this way seems almost a way for you to place the burden of this knowledge (which shouldn't really be burdening you at all) on HER, instead of just keeping it to yourself. I would NOT want the burden of that knowledge unless he wanted to share it with me for a beneficial reason, or else I would ASK. Has she ever asked about your sexual past and you've lied to her? If not, I don't think she cares.

I have a question for YOU, though OP...how do you know that while you were in India that she wasn't out having hot, exciting sex with some ex-boyfriend or sexy young guy who made her go crazy too, before she decided to be exclusive with you...? Would YOU want her to tell you about that now...??


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

OP,

Did you ever discuss exclusivity and/or past relationships? What was said at that time?

How do you think she would take hearing about this now?

If it’s going to continue to bother you, how will that effect your relationship?Does it seem like eventually it will weigh on you enough (or whatever) that you will feel compelled to tell her? If so, giving her agency now would be kinder.

What do you fear about telling her now, if anything?

Is this something your subconscious might someday push you to disclose so that it blows your relationship up or hurts her in a way that feels passive/not-your-fault at that time?

Are you 100% on board with getting married at this time?


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Seems this has been rather hashed out, but my two cents for what it's worth.

At this point given all the background you gave, I agree with the assessment of no need to volunteer the information. At most, you can always ask her if she cares to know about any of your encounters prior to becoming exclusive. Then if she some how finds out later, you gave her the chance to know, and she turned it down. And of course if confronted at any time, don't lie or dissemble. Straight out the truth, and no remorse since it was before you because exclusive.


Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

PieceOfSky said:


> OP,
> 
> Did you ever discuss exclusivity and/or past relationships? What was said at that time?
> 
> ...


If the guilt and emotional stress of this is that bad to him, that’s what counselors and shrinks and therapists etc are for.

If she wanted to know and if prior experiences were of concern to her, she would have brought it up a long time ago.

This is his cross to bear and his issue to work out if he is having some kind of complex about it. 

If he burdens her with his guilt to help him feel better and threatening their current and future relationship in the process, then he’s a bigger jerk for that than banging some chick in another country the first few weeks they started meeting each other for coffee.


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