# Just plain giving up



## Hockeydad55Nj (Mar 9, 2013)

Long story short. 14 year marriage. 8 year old son. Career driven wife. Sex and intimacy non existent for 10 years (once every six weeks or more). Started MC over a year ago without much change. Breast cancer 11 months ago, and thankfully cured and back with healthy diagnosis. Still no intimacy. At wits end. Worn out doing more and more as time goes on, and still no "reward". When intimacy does occur, just plain unfulfilling. Hate the idea of divorce, as family is very important, and my son is just amazing.

Guess I just need to vent, as my wife is unapproachable.


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## mitzi (Oct 8, 2013)

Sorry your going through that. I am on the opposite spectrum. I guess I just cant fathom the idea how a man couldn't want intimacy. He is wonderful in every other area except that and it's becoming a real issue for me.


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## appletree (Oct 9, 2012)

Is your counselor the right one? Maybe you can find one which is specialized in that field?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What does your wife say about her lack of interest in sex?


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## Hockeydad55Nj (Mar 9, 2013)

She says she has no interest. That if she did it would be with me. It's not like she is interested in someone else. Seems to enjoy it on the occasions that the stars align, but it's like the memory fades quickly, and there is no want for more.

MC seemed a bust. Ended up discussions of issues she brings up from her childhood/youth of a non-sexual nature. Nothing about action oriented things to deal with what's currently going on.

Seeing different counselor on my own now, and she asked me the other day if I was ready to give up. Part of me is, and it makes me angry and frustrated. Really at wits end.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Hockydad55Nj....The other day when she asked you if you were ready to give up.....your answer should have been "YES!!!" The point is most people will not change their behavior until something rocks their world enough to forse them into change. Your sex life is not on her priority list....meeting your intimacy needs is not on her priority list...you have let her put you at the bottem of her list, it is time to rock her boat and rearrange the priority list.

Just for your reference...it only took me 25 yrs to figure that one out but when I did it made a world of difference.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

I had to have that sit down talk with my wife a while ago after years of Ld and frustration. I posed a question to her if she believed that her lack of sex drive was a problem and once she answered yes, I asked her if she wanted to do something about it, that this was a big issue in our marriage. Once she came to the conclusion that it was a problem that needed fixing, things picked up in a great way. 

Your wife has to admit there's a problem and that it is coming between the two of you. Then you can begin to fix it. Good luck.


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## pierrematoe (Sep 6, 2013)

OP - it sounds like you might not have the RIGHT counselor working with the two of you. Have you explored a 2nd opinion?

Mine - Hit the nail on the head with changing a person's priority list. I'm still working on my wife's list and its a slow process but she also has a medical issue to deal with

40 - Those are great questions to ask. I'm still working on getting my wife to FULLY acknowledge the problem


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## pierrematoe (Sep 6, 2013)

mitzi said:


> Sorry your going through that. I am on the opposite spectrum. I guess I just cant fathom the idea how a man couldn't want intimacy. He is wonderful in every other area except that and it's becoming a real issue for me.


Same Mitzi - How can a wife who has an attractive, successful husband, great dad, handy around the house and brings home plenty of bacon not want to have sex with him? I still shake my head every day as to why. Hopefully I get to the true answer


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## mitzi (Oct 8, 2013)

Hockeydad - I would say that if you act as though you don't care anymore..you'd be surprised at how fast Women come around. By avoiding conflict and trying your best to act like it doesn't bother you anymore, She will probably start having thoughts of what is going and get worried. When this happens, she will more then likely be worried you are starting to look elsewhere and watch how fast She starts doing stuff to please you! 

Pierre - I here so many times about how Women are tired, or depressed and kids wear them down and so on and so on. I'm not saying all Women are like this and Lord knows I know that MEN are like this but it makes me want to scream! I would love for my Husband to not be able to keep His hands off me. To send shivers up my body with His touch. To brush his lips on my neck! You get the idea. To me Sex is as important for a couple to share as is being together!


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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

> I would say that if you act as though you don't care anymore..you'd be surprised at how fast Women come around. By avoiding conflict and trying your best to act like it doesn't bother you anymore, She will probably start having thoughts of what is going and get worried. When this happens, she will more then likely be worried you are starting to look elsewhere and watch how fast She starts doing stuff to please you!


From what I have seen mitzi is right because you have to be willing to lose the marriage to save it. She will sense the detachment and react (if its real and not an act). Whoever NEEDS the relationship less holds the power over it.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

OP - has your wife ever been a particularly sexual person. 
Has the sex ever been hot hot hot sex?

I get that it might have been more regular but has it ever been hot sex?

Some people just aren't 'into' sex. I read recently it was about 50-50 male/female.

Lack of libido can often be treated with hormones but I doubt that would be an option for your W due to the past breast cancer. Wife isn't approachable, MC not helping...

You're running out of options really...

10 years is an incredibly long time to live without loving sex and affection. I feel for you.


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## Hockeydad55Nj (Mar 9, 2013)

Wife has never been that particularly into sex, but after reading posts on this site, I guess I have become aware of what I've been missing out on. She seems to really enjoy it at the moment it's happening, but the next day it's like nothing happened, and we are back to the daily grind of life.

Think the MC is kind of a dead deal. It started as her psychiatrist, and when I suggested we had a problem, we did combined sessions. But as I said earlier, the focus has continually been on mental issues she has had for years, and no actionable suggestions ever come out of the sessions.

Started seeing a psychologist myself, thinking maybe the problem was mine, and maybe my expectations were to high, but have come to the conclusion that it's not. And not having the intimacy is making the other parts of our relationship a lot more tense.

In general, I am a non-confrontational person, but I feel like I'm about to blow a gasket.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

pierrematoe said:


> Same Mitzi - How can a wife who has an attractive, successful husband, great dad, handy around the house and brings home plenty of bacon not want to have sex with him? I still shake my head every day as to why. Hopefully I get to the true answer


Because just because he does all that for her, doesn't mean she has to do anything for him. That's the mindset of the withholder, and from TAM we learn men are evil and selfish withholders as well.


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## mitzi (Oct 8, 2013)

That's exactly what I feel like is happening here with me. It's so frustrating! I told my husband tonight if I don't get sex soon I'm going to be a firecracker and explode! Not from an "O" either!!!
His response - I know...Grrrr!


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Hockeydad55Nj said:


> Wife has never been that particularly into sex, but after reading posts on this site, I guess I have become aware of what I've been missing out on. She seems to really enjoy it at the moment it's happening, but the next day it's like nothing happened, and we are back to the daily grind of life.
> 
> Think the MC is kind of a dead deal. It started as her psychiatrist, and when I suggested we had a problem, we did combined sessions. But as I said earlier, the focus has continually been on mental issues she has had for years, and no actionable suggestions ever come out of the sessions.
> 
> ...


Have you told her in no uncertain terms how lack of intimacy is affecting you? Have you repeatedly asked her to work on it with you. Don't let the issue alone--bring it up regularly and seriously and with the expectation that she will address it. I agree with 40is20, she has to WANT to figure this out. If she enjoys sex when it happens, then I say there is a good chance she can up her libido. She really, really needs to come to understand how important this is to you. You say you are non-confrontational, and that could be part of the problem. 

My husband and I recently recovered from 10 years of very poor intimacy. We've been slowly unraveling the causes, and one of the definite problems, for me, was that he stopped being an assertive, independent man when he became a husband and father. Although he was a good husband and father, he became less sexually attractive as he became more wrapped up in his career and in parenthood and in the usual marital stresses. Anyway, sometimes it can take some digging, but if your wife is committed to learning how to awaken desire, and how to cue YOU to be desirable, then you have something to work towards.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

How much energy and enthusiasm does does she expend on her beloved career compared to your marriage?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> How much energy and enthusiasm does does she expend on her beloved career compared to your marriage?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


All of it (as my wife would attest to...)

We're talking about someone who can spend a weekend spreading 15 cubic yards of mulch singlehanded, walk 10 miles in 100F weather, work 20 hours straight including all night on a conference call with India, but the same person even after a mundane low-activity weekend will be exhausted and fall asleep faster than a cat with Benadryl.

(ok, forget the cat part. Don't give them Benadryl :sleeping

Many men are defined by what they do. Women, not so much so, unless... The OP could do well to approach the subject from the view point of his wife's career. I'm guessing she's hitting the glass ceiling (like we all do) and hasn't figured it out yet, or is feeling threatened by the younger crowd, and needs to show that she can still produce. Noble goals all but at the risk of no family life.

When you start scheduling vacations, doctor visits, and sex around work events you know things are out of order.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Hockeydad55Nj said:


> Long story short. 14 year marriage. 8 year old son. Career driven wife. Sex and intimacy non existent for 10 years (once every six weeks or more). Started MC over a year ago without much change. Breast cancer 11 months ago, and thankfully cured and back with healthy diagnosis. Still no intimacy. At wits end. Worn out doing more and more as time goes on, and still no "reward". When intimacy does occur, just plain unfulfilling. Hate the idea of divorce, as family is very important, and my son is just amazing.
> 
> Guess I just need to vent, as my wife is unapproachable.



Relief yourself via adult material.

Find a sex buddy and all she wants is sex.

Get a divorce and start fresh with a woman who loves sex with you, every day, fun and multiple times a day if she's really in the mood.

Sounds like your wife is more into her career than you and the marriage.

Maybe she's seeing someone at work???

See, if you do a lot of the chores and help around the house, she appreciated that but you won't get sex for that.

You have to start going out and doing things for yourself, making yourself less available to her and either she clues in or she didn't really care in the first place.


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## jay1365 (May 22, 2013)

My wife used to use the too tired excuse. So I started giving her a taste of it. She would ask me to take the kids somewhere and I would say I was too tired and immediately go outside and do yard work. It drove the point home quite well. And when she would tell me she loved me I would say I know, just not enough to have sex with me
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mitzi (Oct 8, 2013)

How did that work for you Jay? Seems to me that it might work in a battle of who's more stubborn.


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## Hockeydad55Nj (Mar 9, 2013)

Well, at least I know she isn't having an affair at work, unless it limited to an emotional affair. She works from a desk in our house, which has always made it easy for her to go back to it after dinner (prior to our child) or after he goes to bed. 

I really think it has to do with a repressed upbringing (8 years of catholic school) and a driving need to succeed. Did that 20 years of a career, forced out through "early retirement", and now focused on starting again.

She's a good person, just not aware of my needs, or not concerned with them. Overall, I guess I am the enabler, and rather than have something blow up, I avoid forcing the issue. I know I should be more assertive, but just don't know how to start now.


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## pierrematoe (Sep 6, 2013)

Hockeydad55Nj said:


> Overall, I guess I am the enabler, and rather than have something blow up, I avoid forcing the issue. I know I should be more assertive, but just don't know how to start now.


OP I feel I'm in the same situation with you. Last week I told the W something has to change or we will be in some jeopardy. She sort of heard that but has had the flu since then so we couldn't act on it. Sometimes you just have to put it all out there straight up without sugar coating


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

GettingIt said:


> was that he stopped being an assertive, independent man


Chicks dig confident guys!

Next time your old lady asks you what you want to do Fri. night...don't reply with a question to her question...just tell her....and take her out @ss wipe

I mean how many times do you ask her what she wants and she turns around and asks you what you want?
Phuck man tell her what you want and stick to it!

Fitness test are bad so watch out for them.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Hockeydad55Nj said:


> Well, at least I know she isn't having an affair at work, unless it limited to an emotional affair. She works from a desk in our house, which has always made it easy for her to go back to it after dinner (prior to our child) or after he goes to bed.
> 
> I really think it has to do with a repressed upbringing (8 years of catholic school) and a driving need to succeed. Did that 20 years of a career, forced out through "early retirement", and now focused on starting again.
> 
> She's a good person, just not aware of my needs, or not concerned with them. Overall, I guess I am the enabler, and rather than have something blow up, I avoid forcing the issue. I know I should be more assertive, but just don't know how to start now.



I don't think someone's faith makes them sexually repressed. In fact, I think its quite the opposite. The more controlled you are about sex, its makes you hornier and want it more. I am a God fearing man and have a high adventurous sex drive. Not repressed at all. My wife is the LD vanilla and her dad is an Atheist, go figure.

What I still don't understand. Why do many women still don't get it? Us men are naturally hornier with much higher sex drives because we are built this way. That means we need sex often, whether we work a lot or not so much, whether we are relaxed or stressed out, whether we slept 9+ hours or 5 hours, it doesn't matter. Why then do many women still think having minimal sex in a marriage is okay just because they don't want sex much? They are to take care of their man's sexual needs out of love, not duty or pity sex. Sometimes I really wonder about the ladies....

If someone is having an affair, they will be very discrete about it. They don't want to be caught. Sexting, an Emotional Affair, are quite easy to do. A physical affair, at work or when they go out with friends, easy to do. Changed passwords? Work long hours? Out after work? Not interested in sex with you? Always tired?


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## jay1365 (May 22, 2013)

mitzi said:


> How did that work for you Jay? Seems to me that it might work in a battle of who's more stubborn.


That was a small part of a much larger plan , but this little stunt actually worked quite well. She understood that if it was a legitimate excuse for her, it had to be a legitimate excuse for me too. Fair is fair.


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

i feel your pain my wife has plumbing issuse laltley and i constant pain seeing doc soon but this last week sex life died...it was tradgic,. she will come around and then super monky bumpmg for weefs


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

CuddleBug said:


> I don't think someone's faith makes them sexually repressed. In fact, I think its quite the opposite. The more controlled you are about sex, its makes you hornier and want it more


Faith does not, upbringing based on interpretation of said faith does...


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Hockeydad55Nj said:


> Worn out doing more and more as time goes on, and still no "reward".


Doing more and more never works. Doing less might.



> Hate the idea of divorce, as family is very important, and my son is just amazing.


Divorce is hard on children. That is true. But, you certainly don't want your son to learn that marriage is about two roommates who work constantly and never express any romantic feelings for each other.



> Guess I just need to vent, as my wife is unapproachable.


Of course she is. She has what she wants. She has a roommate/butler who serves as a sexual release however infrequently she wants it and never makes demands of his own. Who wouldn't want that?

However, if you want to change your marriage, then you need to change your behavior. You have to stop being afraid of conflict with your wife.

Go to Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits. and read the book and forum.

Good luck.


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## soc487 (Jul 22, 2013)

pierrematoe said:


> Same Mitzi - How can a wife who has an attractive, successful husband, great dad, handy around the house and brings home plenty of bacon not want to have sex with him? I still shake my head every day as to why. Hopefully I get to the true answer


Maybe some women just don't like having sex? I have a friend who says she feels "violated" by it. She goes along with it for the sake of the marriage, but dreads "date nights", hates it when he comes home with flowers, and doesn't look forward to holidays, valentines, birthdays, romantic evenings out etc, because she knows what he will expect of those occasions. She jumps out of bed quickly every morning to busy herself before he can even suggest making love. They've been to numerous counselling, but still no solution. Basically by wanting to stay married, she ends up keeping him miserable, and herself in the bargain.


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## mitzi (Oct 8, 2013)

jay1365 said:


> That was a small part of a much larger plan , but this little stunt actually worked quite well. She understood that if it was a legitimate excuse for her, it had to be a legitimate excuse for me too. Fair is fair.


I'm glad it worked out that way for you


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## mitzi (Oct 8, 2013)

soc487 said:


> Maybe some women just don't like having sex? I have a friend who says she feels "violated" by it. She goes along with it for the sake of the marriage, but dreads "date nights", hates it when he comes home with flowers, and doesn't look forward to holidays, valentines, birthdays, romantic evenings out etc, because she knows what he will expect of those occasions. She jumps out of bed quickly every morning to busy herself before he can even suggest making love. They've been to numerous counselling, but still no solution. Basically by wanting to stay married, she ends up keeping him miserable, and herself in the bargain.


What kind of marriage is that? If that is the case, seriously why even be married or with someone? Get a dog IMO. All couples need to come to an agreement about what they will and what they wont do in bed. I think that should be brought up right at the beginning of being sexually involved in a relationship. This was one mistake I made but I was also led to believe it was going to be one way and then turned out to be not that way at all!


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

When she asked you if you were ready to give up, IMO she has already set the groundwork for her next life. She wouldn't have said that if it wasn't churning in her mind. She has to know that a semi sexless marriage is bothering you and it's obvious that she in so many words is telling you to deal with it. Enjoy the sex when she feels like it and suffer until next time. That isn't a marriage friend and if that's the case, tell her that it's time for her to move on and you find someone who is willing to be a good wife or girlfriend.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

HockeyDad,

You said its been a problem for about 10 years, but you only started counseling about a year ago. Why the long wait ? I ask because its often very difficult to get change from a person with so long a period of inertia.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

soc487 said:


> Basically by wanting to stay married, she ends up keeping him miserable, and herself in the bargain.


Reciprocating is a natural response then... Nothing to it. Misery loves company.


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## rdl3 (Oct 7, 2013)

Have you considered doing different things to promote intimacy? Maybe doing something different like a candlelit dinner or giving her a back massage will bring back old feelings.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

rdl3 said:


> Have you considered doing different things to promote intimacy? Maybe doing something different like a candlelit dinner or giving her a back massage will bring back old feelings.


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