# 1.5 years post d-day- triggers strong lately now that drama has ended- normal?



## better than before (Aug 3, 2011)

Happy to say that H and I are almost 1.5 years past d-day and close to 1 year with NC with OW on his part; last contact from her was 5 months ago. We have really focused on our relationship, and I feel so close to him again. His EA was short lived, but I think we both thought we had a great marriage before it happened. I have learned anyone can do this; the cyber world made it seem safe. He has suffered as much as I have, just in different ways. I think he really knows how much I love him and that he has forgiven himself; I know we will both always have the scar. I feel like I did when we started dating 22 years ago; we were just kids, but the connection was so strong. 

Since OW has left us alone, we have been able to move forward without drama she created. I hope she has moved on too for her family's sake. The only thing that has surprised me is the triggers have intensified now that things are getting back to normal. I just have the feeling sometimes that things are to easy and that I need to keep my guard up to protect myself. Anyone else experienced this? H and I have recently discussed all of this; he continues to give me support I need. 

Good luck to everyone trying to rebuild their marriage; it will be different, but it can be stronger. I am thankful everyday that despite what happened we are very much in love! I plan to let him know everyday how needed, desired, and loved he is! It is so easy to let life creep in and forget to focus on your spouse and your relationship. This site has been so helpful in reminding me I am not unique or alone! Thanks to all who share.
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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I'm in about the same position as you, 22 years marriage, 1.5 years out, fWW had a long distance EA that started thru facebook. In your situation, it looks like OW tried to fish for renewed contact as recently as only 5 months ago. In mine, the OM tried fishing 2 weeks out and a month and a half after that. After that, he stopped, and I've been watching for any changes in behavior as well as using VARs and keyloggers. Nothing. Due to my fWWs actions and remorse, I trigger very seldomly now and check on her only once in a while.

This OW that your WH had the EA with, for such a supposedly short term EA, the OW still has your WH on her mind, even after a year of NC. It must have been an intense EA for them.

So I may not be triggering like you, but I'm kind of ambivalent, and just faking it till I make it. The spark is starting to come back little by little as time goes on as I heal.

May I ask how you are verifying NC? How did you discover OWs fishing?


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

We're a year past d-day and I'm finding myself in a funk this past week. Not so much your typical freak out triggers, but a general sense of malaise. I think it's because the feeling of "normalacy" in our lives, in a sense, is a trigger. Life was normal when my H had his affair and life seemed pretty normal during his affair. So now that life seems "normal" again, I feel myself making mental parallels and being hyper alert for red flags. There haven't been any red flags, but it's like I'm waiting for the shoe to drop. 

I noticed this funk started about the time of my last trigger, the night I heard the cell phone while watching The Daily Show (I posted my experience on the trigger thread). It's almost like something snapped in my head and even though I was able to prove the cell was from the tv (dvr'd episode later to double check), I can't seem to shake down the walls that snapped up when it happened. Perhaps it's fear, because I realized how much I was starting to trust my husband again.

All I can say, there has to be a special place in hell for people who either fake R or cheat again after d-day. I realized that night I heard the tv cellphone, if my H cheated again (or still was cheating) it would kill something inside me. I felt dead inside while waiting to verify the sound. The thought that someone can make me feel that way scares the $#!t out of me.

I'm still trying to come back from that night, but other factors are not helpig boost me back up. Job hunting can seriously damage an already battered ego and January in general suuuuuuucks. So I don't think you're alone BTB, hopefully this is a part of recovery, building back trust but being scared to give it. For me it feels like a defense mechanism is going off, trying to keep me from getting hurt again. 

It's probably like that bowling ball analogy about R after infidelity (can't remember which book it was from). If you drop the ball, even near the top of the stairs, it goes right back down to the bottom. The trigger I had was so bad, it made the ball go waaaay back down. When proved to be nothing, the ball went back up, but not to where it was previously.


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## better than before (Aug 3, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> May I ask how you are verifying NC? How did you discover OWs fishing?


My WH confessed to me the whole truth the night I asked who msg him. I was just asking who sent a text; he freaked and confessed later telling me he wanted a way out. She was an old girlfriend from 22 yrs ago that he only saw a few times, but had an amazing chemistry with. She found him on FB, and it went from hi to sexing in a matter of maybe a week- so crazy. He wanted out, but he was deep into fog and very addicted to the high his fantasy world with her provided. He told me recently it was such a turn on to have someone that wanted to know everything about you all the time. He told me she would msg asking what he ate; my response is I don't have to ask, I fvcking fixed it. Then we laughed. 

We have worked together to get through this and focus on us, but she didn't want to let it go!! He told me every time she emailed or called, and I read it all after d-day. It was quiet until last March, and he ended it. Then NC until August (d-day month and her birthday). She was mad that he didn't send her a birthday wish. When he wouldn't answer email; she went crazy and starting calling over and over at his office. I had enough, and sent her a very nasty email; it felt so good, and I think she got the message finally. I do have his passwords etc, but he is very good at IT. I know he could go around me in so many ways. I pay attention now in so many ways, but I do trust him. He has paid such a high price personally for what he did to me, AP, and himself maybe most of all. I think I am paranoid because I do feel things are getting back to normal; it is scary to think that it could happen again. I tell WH all the time that I won't be "stupid" again. That is how I felt after, and I won't go through it again. He knows how much I love him, but I would get a D if he had another A of any kind.




Saffron said:


> I think it's because the feeling of "normalacy" in our lives, in a sense, is a trigger. Life was normal when my H had his affair and life seemed pretty normal during his affair. So now that life seems "normal" again, I feel myself making mental parallels and being hyper alert for red flags. There haven't been any red flags, but it's like I'm waiting for the shoe to drop.



:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

This is how I feel exactly! I sometimes feel like the lack of drama could be me being in denial; that they are still in communication. In my heart, I don't believe this. I really do trust him now, but I did before... I would have believed aliens had taken over his body before I would have believed he'd have an EA. He always hated me being on FB- said it was the devil- ironic!!



Saffron said:


> I can say, there has to be a special place in hell for people who either fake R or cheat again after d-day. I realized that night I heard the tv cellphone, if my H cheated again (or still was cheating) it would kill something inside me. I felt dead inside while waiting to verify the sound. The thought that someone can make me feel that way scares the $#!t out of me.



:iagree::iagree::iagree:



Saffron said:


> still trying to come back from that night, but other factors are not helpig boost me back up. Job hunting can seriously damage an already battered ego and January in general suuuuuuucks. So I don't think you're alone BTB, hopefully this is a part of recovery, building back trust but being scared to give it. For me it feels like a defense mechanism is going off, trying to keep me from getting hurt again.



I wish you all the best. It really helps to read other people's experiences. So many of us have similar stories. I am thankful that we did and do still love each other. We had what we thought was a good marriage before; now I feel we have a great marriage. I wish like hell that it had never happened, but we are both better people, friends, lovers, you name it. I have always been a glass half full person, so I will continue to be. I know I have to take what happened, continue to process it all, and move forward- some days this is easier than others.


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## better than before (Aug 3, 2011)

Lord Mayhem, 

Just had to give you a laugh. I usually post on my phone or I pad because I'm chasing kids and not at the computer. I replied to these posts on the computer where the avatars show up which I am used to not seeing. I actually tried to get the "bug" off my screen.


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## InRecoveryInNC (Oct 22, 2010)

It is definitely nice to know that I am not crazy... I am 16 months passed Dday and for the most part am ok. But when those stupid triggers come up it hits me hard. Some days I can get over it fairly easy. Others it takes a few days before I can ever admit I am having problems.

A lot of things have changed during this time frame. Unfortunately, we dealt with the death of his father, my grandmother and my younger sister all during the same timeframe of trying focus on our R.

He does a lot of what is needed to help me through this but some days I can help but think I am being played. I have come straight out and told him I would not stand for anything like this happening again. He says he understand but on those days where I just can't shake it I wonder if I have made a mistake in trying to work this out. I have always believed I would never be able to stay with someone who decided they wanted to step out on our marriage. I believed it for years and even made many comments about it. And of course there are days I believe I was right. But then when things are good, they are really good. So the journey continues....


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## Okie (Jul 14, 2010)

Year and three months out since my wife's EA came to an end. It was pretty intense and like most of em chock full of lies and took several steps deeper underground till it really hit the fan. Without kids, I would have been out the door.

I still have the key logger and occasionally check out the text history on her phone. Mostly everything is fine, but sometimes I just wish I had ended my marriage so I didn't EVER have to wonder if she just found better way to hide it. I couldn't sleep the other night and was looking at her phone in the living room, she came in the room saw me and was surprised that I was looking, but not mad at all. She is incredibly apologetic and still beats herself up about it way more than I ever did.

It blows, all the signs of real recovery are there, but I still have a small voice in the back of my head that doubts. Probably always will.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Okie said:


> It blows, all the signs of real recovery are there, but I still have a small voice in the back of my head that doubts. Probably always will.


Agreed. Blind trust can never fully be regained. Once you know that they crossed the line, you can never really know if it will ever be crossed again. It may not be true that once a cheater, always a cheater, but how do you really know what the future will bring?


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## better than before (Aug 3, 2011)

Don't know about others here, but after some of the recent posts I do think I am still swimming in the kiddie pool. I guess that I also believe that our marriage has now been tested and survived the initial impact of it all well. We actually still have friends that wonder what our secret is for staying so close. I feel sure they wouldn't be a fan of the answer.
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## InRecoveryInNC (Oct 22, 2010)

For me, I am happy to know that it is not just me. For a while I have been wondering if what I am going through with the triggers or the thoughts that maybe I have wasted time trying to get this to work to only find out 10 years from now it was a waste.

I will continue to move forward and hopefully progress but I know it is going to take a long time, if ever, for me to ever feel comfortable that this is going to work. But I am willing to give it try.


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## better than before (Aug 3, 2011)

None of us are the same people anymore.
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