# Sharing the house with a Spouse?



## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

As much as this sounds like a Dr. Seuss title, it is not.

I was wondering as when reading lots of these posts, I find the responses and recommendations are to _kick the spouse to the curb_. Lots even go as far as to say that they packed the clothes in garbage bags and left them on the curb or front steps.

How is this possible when the person has done nothing violent that would be cause for them to be removed and restricted from the house. Although as BS's we see the A as an awful testament as to their character and against our love, how can you legally do this and make it stick? 

I have asked my wife to leave the house and she refuses. Heck, for the longest time she refused to leave the bed, and I slept on the couch. She has every right to the house just like I do and has done nothing violent that would be cause for her to be removed or restrained from the house. Due to children being involved and abandonment issues, I can't leave the house either until some "official" separation agreement is arrived at (through lawyer, mediator, or notarized agreement between us). I work from home, so it is not easy for me to leave the house, and If I do I can lose the rights to my claim on the children and the house (I have sought legal council about this and this is how it works in my state). 

I just want to know how others have gotten around this and just "thrown out" or kicked to the curb their spouse?? Were kids not involved or is all of this _kick 'em to the curb_ talk merely putting on face for the internet and to sound big (and yes putting on face on an anonymous venue such as this is wasted time)?

Just an honest question I have since it is one of the points that everyone goes to when frustrated (Thrown them out)!!


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

If someone betrays you, they have to lose some rights (however, if the betrayed wants them to stay to work on the marriage, than that’s another thing). And one of them is the house. File divorce papers and a restraining order and out they go. They can sleep on someone else’s couch or get their own apartment. Without consequences how will they come to learn their betrayals are nothing more than an invitation for betraying sex?


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

thatbpguy said:


> If someone betrays you, they have to lose some rights (however, if the betrayed wants them to stay to work on the marriage, than that’s another thing). And one of them is the house. File divorce papers and a restraining order and out they go. They can sleep on someone else’s couch or get their own apartment. Without consequences how will they come to learn their betrayals are nothing more than an invitation for betraying sex?


This is what I am saying though (and they have lost some rights), D papers will do nothing to restrict them to the house, especially when kids are involved? As long as they are on the deed, they have those rights, until they give them up (be it through choice or through violent actions that strip them of it). Legally one can't even change the locks without giving them access and a key. In my state, until they have relinquished the rights to their home (separation agreement) not even D papers will force them out. If kids weren't involved it wouldn't matter as I don't want the house, but want the kids and love the kids. I am one of those great states that will not grant quick D's either, requires a 1 year separation, hence the separation agreement. 

Funny how they do this to supposedly protect the family and marriage, yet it is almost impossible to get in to a MC (usually a 3-6 month waiting period), but you can get a same day with the D lawyer, talk about mixed signals!


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

There are variables to consider in this process.

Such as, the full weight of the betrayal, the guilt factor, the alternate living options, finances, children or not, work situation, etc.

My opinion is that the BS has every right to "ask" the CS spouse to leave the house; but can't or shouldn't try to force them to. Same with the bedroom, but at least the BS can sleep in another room.

I woke my CS up after she had gone to bed and asked her to leave the house. She did; but fortunately her mother's house was right up the road. That was luck.

If they will leave, I believe it puts the BS at an advantage if there is a chance for R. Certainly nothing forces a thoughtful consideration of the consequences of their actions, more than nights alone in an unfamiliar bed.

Edit: Assuming they are alone.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

It can be a pretty massive signal to arrive home and find your stuff tossed out of it, and the doors locked. Plus, imagine the hassle you could create for the wayward by refusing to recognize their rights until you are absolutely forced to. Think of them trying to explain the situation to the cop, how humiliating could that be made? 

Cold comfort, when you ultimately have to let them back in, but at least it wasn't easy for the wayward. Maybe, just maybe, they'd think about why it was happening to them.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Thanks bad memory. That situation is exactly what I am talking about. I did ask to leave but with anyone that she (or me for that matter) could stay with being at least 1200 miles away, it wasn't really possible. Finances aren't great to allow hotels, and lawyer advice is to not leave the house until agreements are in place. Working on those things, but makes things hard.

I just wondered how people could say kick them out without the legal means to do so. Sounds more like bullying, banter talk that happens lots on here (calling cuckold, man up, etc).


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

As an added bonus, maybe finding themselves locked out, the wayward might do something stupid, and exhibit the type of behaviour that would warrant their removal.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Squeakr said:


> Thanks bad memory. That situation is exactly what I am talking about. I did ask to leave but with anyone that she (or me for that matter) could stay with being at least 1200 miles away, it wasn't really possible. Finances aren't great to allow hotels, and lawyer advice is to not leave the house until agreements are in place. Working on those things, but makes things hard.
> 
> I just wondered how people could say kick them out without the legal means to do so. Sounds more like bullying, banter talk that happens lots on here (calling cuckold, man up, etc).


You did not fundamentally betray your family. Why is it that you should be the one to leave, even once the agreements are made?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I think there's lot of talk. But as has been posted here, it CAN send a message if the lock is changed and their stuff is on the driveway. And if they don't know they have a right to the house...

But legally, in most areas you're screwed. Around here, it's hard enough evicting a tenant, much less someone who partially owns the place. Good luck with your situation, though. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

SadandAngry, you are right. although I can be arrested for my actions if I do so (heck could probably be charged with littering against town ordinance with my luck), was told that by the cops and lawyer. Although when the cops already know, it isn't much of a deterrent (former OM called the cops to file false report about domestic violence against me, Dumba$$ didn't bother to check and I had been out of two for the week prior and was still out of town for at least another week. WS had to explain to the cops why it happened). 

At times wish I was in one of those more progressive states that allowed me more freedoms, such as to just boot em out.

Please don't misunderstand my post, I am more looking for whether others have been legally been able to do this or is it all talk (as I know I can't legally do it, I have to pursue the proper channels. I can ask her to leave but that would be up to her and being nice, which let's face it, we wouldn't be here if being nice was really in our marriages).


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Squeakr said:


> This is what I am saying though (and they have lost some rights), D papers will do nothing to restrict them to the house, especially when kids are involved? As long as they are on the deed, they have those rights, until they give them up (be it through choice or through violent actions that strip them of it). Legally one can't even change the locks without giving them access and a key. In my state, until they have relinquished the rights to their home (separation agreement) not even D papers will force them out. If kids weren't involved it wouldn't matter as I don't want the house, but want the kids and love the kids. I am one of those great states that will not grant quick D's either, requires a 1 year separation, hence the separation agreement.
> 
> Funny how they do this to supposedly protect the family and marriage, yet it is almost impossible to get in to a MC (usually a 3-6 month waiting period), but you can get a same day with the D lawyer, talk about mixed signals!


In the state I live in, whoever has the kids has the house.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

SadandAngry said:


> You did not fundamentally betray your family. Why is it that you should be the one to leave, even once the agreements are made?


I would be the one to leave, as I don't really want the house, don't like the area and would be easier on the kids to stay in the house with her. I would do it to think about the kids solely. Nothing to do with her.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Squeakr said:


> Thanks bad memory. That situation is exactly what I am talking about. I did ask to leave but with anyone that she (or me for that matter) could stay with being at least 1200 miles away, it wasn't really possible. Finances aren't great to allow hotels, and lawyer advice is to not leave the house until agreements are in place. Working on those things, but makes things hard.
> 
> I just wondered how people could say kick them out without the legal means to do so. Sounds more like bullying, banter talk that happens lots on here (calling cuckold, man up, etc).


You cannot kick them out. That doesn't mean you cant tell them to leave. It makes a point that you do not want to be around a low life cheat. And quite often they DO leave and it is way better for the loyal spouse.

From the tone of your posts, you really need to read MMSLP and probaly NMMNG. There is a good chance your attitude has something to do with you being cheated on. That does NOT mean she is not soley responsible for her actions.

You have been cheated on on you are worried about possibly looking like a bully? You seem way off the track.

Just because she can legally be in the house doesn't mean she has to be allowed in your bed. Sounds like she is "bullying" you.

What is your problem with manning up after some other man has nailed your wife?


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

As I see it, ( and I'm in R, so this is theoretical for me), although I might not be able to lock her out of the house, if forced to share, there's no law saying who gets which room, or access to stuff. I can choose the room I want to live in, put a lock/deadbolt/alarm even if I want to. I can take my own bed, I could lock my computer in, whatever. If I had a home office, damn straight that would probably be under lock and key too. On a particularly spiteful day, I might even be inclined to buy a separate refrigerator even.

As I mentioned, this isn't something I've put into practice in this context. If I did, I probably would definitely take action to make my point crystal clear, and maintain it unless the other person made a sign they wanted a negotiated truce type of thing.

I'm quite stubborn, and also the type to get the boundaries of what is allowed, and what isn't, then walk up and stand right on the line, leaning over the other side.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Sand and Angry, Thanks for you post. I too am in R, not sure if it is going to work, or if I am fully committed at this time. 

I meant this a s more of a theoretical study question, as I see it so many times written here, just to kick out the spouse. I was more wondering whom had ever really done this. As it sounds good in theory, but in practice there are too many things that make it possible to not occur.

I was reading LisaB's latest post and everyone said throw him out, or I would kick him out, etc. I was just wondering if it was really possible to happen and if anyone had successfully done it.

In my state, with two knowledgeable and informed sides it is not possible (although I like your ideas about the locks, deadbolts, etc, although that could cause more issues with the kids in an already stressful environment, which is definitely something to avoid).


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

The kick them to the curb is sometimes mostly hyperbole, however if a WS is fool enough to go they can be tricked into leaving.

Be careful of escalating behaviors... What can work for you can work against you. She could file a false allegation and claim fear and then you can be in big trouble... Keep your distance...

I had the same with my EX for a while. I stayed away from her. She would tape me talking etc...


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

I know it's nearly a month old, but thought I'd add my 2 pennorth:

My now ex wife refused to leave - even refused to sleep on the sofa the night I found out. She ended up shouting and crying hysterically to be let into our bedroom so I had to as this was all with our 2 children in the room next door.

The next day, she made sure to have time to ring the POSOM for nearly an hour (even though the physical side was over) so go figure :/

We still live together - she is refusing to leave or sell the house.

I've thrown her clothes out, threatened legal action - the lot - but she knows she has a right to live there and wants us to stay together.

There have been a few stories on here where the WW has called the cops and in almost every case they will take against the man - whomever has done the betraying is irrelevant.

As such taking some of the advice doled out on here could end someone up in hot water one way or another.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Yeah, there is no legal right to chuck out clothes in garbage bags or change locks - that's just silly talk.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Thanks Chris and Dig, at least some seem to see that it isn't always black and white like some would like us to believe (and yes she does know her rights, funny how everyone seems to want to help a lady in distress no matter what she has done).


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Ya know, for all the TAM wisdom there's one huge thing that isn't talked about: What was it like in the first 10 minutes of Dday?

I truly believe that the divorce or reconciliation course is plotted literally in those first moments of Dday. How the wayward spouse reacts and how the betrayed reacts toward them is paramount. It's a gut feeling. You really know what's going to happen. Either you're understanding of the route or you're afraid to face it with divorce. With reconciliation you know it's gonna be a long, hard road and you'll know if your wayward is truly going to make the commitment within the first hour or sometimes minutes of Dday.


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

There are a lot of factors in this situation of who leaves. For us, we are both older, I am 57, he is 60, and I am going nowhere, this is my home. My WS has guaranteed that it will never happen again, and has said "but, if it does (???) I will leave and you can have everything" Not sure what 'everything' is since the house is not yet paid off , we run a business together, and have all the normal debts and bills that go with that. If he left fine, if he didn't, I would just go about my business as usual, except there would be nothing between us other than that, no intimacy. At this point in my life I would probably not seek out another romantic partner, although if it happened later, I might explore that again. I am just emotionally wiped from this past 18 months or so.


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## pollywog (May 30, 2013)

Same thing here, my WS will not leave and I cannot force him out unless he is physically abusive, which he is not. We own the house jointly, he has as much right to it as I do. I will not leave because he would then not pay mortgage and it will go against me as well so we are stuck. We can sell it but no equity and I would just as soon keep it myself. He will force the sale just so I cannot have it. In my state if you allow a person to even stay one night and they don't want to leave you have to get a court order to get them out which takes forever. If they get one piece of mail there it is considered their residence. Stupid laws in Florida.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

Squeakr said:


> As much as this sounds like a Dr. Seuss title, it is not.
> 
> I was wondering as when reading lots of these posts, I find the responses and recommendations are to _kick the spouse to the curb_. Lots even go as far as to say that they packed the clothes in garbage bags and left them on the curb or front steps.
> 
> ...


Squeakr:
you ask an interesting question here. sounds like your original sense was correct, that the BS has little legal recourse to make WS leave the home.

however I do think that the response of the WS to the request to leave the home or to leave the marital bed should be a very good indication of whether R should even be attempted. If the WS has any understanding of the magnitude of their betrayal then they will try to accomodate the BS request for them to leave the home, and they will without hesitation leave the marital bed to slep elsewhere. So I'm wondering then why you're trying to R with such a person? She sounds like she feels very entitled - very ugly feature, especially in the aftermath of her cheating.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Squeakr said:


> As much as this sounds like a Dr. Seuss title, it is not.
> 
> I was wondering as when reading lots of these posts, I find the responses and recommendations are to _kick the spouse to the curb_. Lots even go as far as to say that they packed the clothes in garbage bags and left them on the curb or front steps.
> 
> ...


In my case, she didn't put up a fight, she just went to her mothers house and stayed there.. I put her stuff in bags and changed the locks. It doesn't sound like that's an option for you..


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Squeakr said:


> As much as this sounds like a Dr. Seuss title, it is not.
> 
> I was wondering as when reading lots of these posts, I find the responses and recommendations are to _kick the spouse to the curb_. Lots even go as far as to say that they packed the clothes in garbage bags and left them on the curb or front steps.
> 
> ...


You can't. but USUALLY, the WS is embarrassed enough or has SOME shred of care for the BS that they respond to the threat.

Your WW has neither.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

The thing is that the WS is in the same position as me in that if she leaves the house and children she too could be considered to have abandoned and lose rights to the house and kids so her just leaving is not really an option for her either until the agreement exists.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

thatbpguy said:


> If someone betrays you, they have to lose some rights (however, if the betrayed wants them to stay to work on the marriage, than that’s another thing). And one of them is the house. File divorce papers and a restraining order and out they go. They can sleep on someone else’s couch or get their own apartment. Without consequences how will they come to learn their betrayals are nothing more than an invitation for betraying sex?


Hogwash. I am the sole owner of my home and still had to keep the STXW in the home for many months. Despite the bravdo expressed in many posts, you don't have the right to throw everything our and kick the spouse to the curb literally. In fact, that would like lead to a restraining order against YOU and your expulsion from the home..


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## Burned (Jul 13, 2013)

The first seperation we went through my wife and I remained roomates until I caught her having fun on the phone with OM and kid's in the house. Tried to kick her out and she refused so I left, against my better judgement but I couldn' live with her under those conditions. 

I got really lucky this last time as I asked her to leave and she did. I had no legal right to kick her out, I think she did it under guilt but either way I'm lucky she did and now I'm gonna change the locks.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Burned said:


> I got really lucky this last time as I asked her to leave and she did. I had no legal right to kick her out, I think she did it under guilt but either way I'm lucky she did and now I'm gonna change the locks.


I do believe it's becasue she can't gaslight anyone this time, given she did it in front of your family!


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## Burned (Jul 13, 2013)

Acabado said:


> I do believe it's becasue she can't gaslight anyone this time, given she did it in front of your family!



:smthumbup:

If you drink enough you can forget anything.


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