# So here I am again.



## kran81 (Apr 12, 2012)

I found these forums when i found out my first wife cheated on me in 2012. Got some good advice maned up and divorced her after seeing she would never change.
Ended up remarried in 2015 to Who thought was a wonderful and loyal woman. We have no kids together but each have one from a previous marriage. But here recently she had started to act odd i chalked it up to here now working the grave yard shift and me working mornings so we havent been seeing alot of each other. She gets home feom work as im leaving for work

Well due my ex I am a bit of suspicious person now so the other day when i didnt have to go to work i picked her phone up while she was asleep and went through it. I found messages to another man that seemed to be just an emotional thing at first but the took a turn to them talking about meeting up and her agreeing from what i can till they met up.

At this point I was seeing red i took screen ahits and sent em to myself put her phone down packed acouple of bags and loaded my car. I then broke out my var and woke her up asking her to explain herself.

First thing she said was nothing happened and that i was over reacting. Then she got upset and asked what gave me the right to go through her phone. I told her she had no right to be mad at me for suspecting something qhen something was going on. 

I then told her I was leaving and would talk to her later about what i was going to do. Thankfully all this happened while my daughter is with her biological mother and her son is at camp.

She called me nonstop from the moment i left to the moment i got to where I am staying about 45 minutes to get across town leaving voice mails that ranged feom angry at me for leaving to apologetic and begging for another chance.

When i spoke to her she suggested counseling I shot the idea down telling her I cant be with a cheater and am not going to waste anymore time with someone who cant be loyal and respectful to me. 

My friends tell me I'm out of line too shoot marriage counseling down. I don't think I am she knows my ex cheated and I left that marraige for it. But then again i dont know what think what my ex did still hurts and my current wifes betraly hurts even more and opens those old wounds.

Didn't think id have to go down this road again and quit honestly a lot more depressed this go round as I was ready to adpot her son and we where talking about one of our own. But i cant fathom having a family with a cheater thats why my first marriage ended.

Sorry for the long post just need to vent a bit.Any advice would be appreciated.


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

I am so sorry for you and this situation.

Did you find out anything from the VARs?

If she cheated, even if it was an EA, I believe you are absolutely correct in filing and getting out ASAP!!! She knows that there would be no coming back from cheating on you. And in this case, MC would only be productive if it was able to have her unfu ck that guy.

I think you know what you must do.

Stay strong and keep moving straight out of this Hell that she threw you into!


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## kran81 (Apr 12, 2012)

The var didn't uncover anything but I've had it going during all our conversation for protection. During my first divorce my ex said I threatened to kill her and our daughter thankfully that was dismissed as hearsay by a judge. But not wanting any legal issues this time so recoding everything that has to do with my current wife and I this go round.


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Has she admitted to the affair yet?


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

How long ago did she start talking to you about adopting her son????

How long ago did the texting start? 

While I’m sure you love the boy, and I’m sorry to say this, but I think you may have dodged a bullet


As I said before, I think you know what you have to do. Just do it. I’m sorry


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## kran81 (Apr 12, 2012)

Kamstel said:


> Has she admitted to the affair yet?


She admits to an emotinal affair but insist that a physical one didnt happen. Despite the text mesaages including her agreeing to meet up and setting a place.
I dont believe her on that one too much evidence like her stating inthe messages that she sees a certain motel room but not the one he said he was in. She says she went met him and she realised what she was doing was wrong and left before anything happened and stopped contact with him. There was no further messages after they set the meeting. She claims she blocked his number after that. I dont know not sure i care if thats true.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

kran81 said:


> The var didn't uncover anything but I've had it going during all our conversation for protection. During my first divorce my ex said I threatened to kill her and our daughter thankfully that was dismissed as hearsay by a judge. But not wanting any legal issues this time so recoding everything that has to do with my current wife and I this go round.


The most important thing to remember is that she didn’t own up,you found out.Of course she is apologetic,her world is about to come crashing down around her ears.
You know in your heart that you can’t trust her ever again.
You know what you have to do.


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Does it really matter if it was ONLY an emotional affair and not a physical affair? 

AT BEST: she decided to meet him at a motel

I’m so sorry for you!


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

At the very least, If the thought of MC or reconciliation ever enters your mind, tell her that the very first step will be her taking a polygraph!

Her reaction to your statement may just tell you all you need to know about the “only an emotional affair”


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## kran81 (Apr 12, 2012)

Kamstel said:


> How long ago did she start talking to you about adopting her son????
> 
> How long ago did the texting start?
> 
> ...


The. Sexting start about 3 weeks ago and did stop about a week ago.

As for talking about adopting her son its been an on again off again conversation for about 5 months and yea i love him it been a joy having him in my life she has full custody of him his 6 years years old and randomly started calling me dad about 5 months ago and i brought it up to her. She has been worried about the drama it could bring from her ex who is in prison right now for arson as he tried to burn her house down when she left him.


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

If you had to make a decision about her right now, what is your gut telling you to do?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

kran81 said:


> Kamstel said:
> 
> 
> > How long ago did she start talking to you about adopting her son????
> ...


So this woman finally gets a decent,faithful man in her life and she still can’t be loyal or honest. 
There’s more red flags here than Labour day parade in Moscow. 
Please do not get any closer to her son until you sort things out one way or another. Don’t be surprised if she uses the kid as a way of emotionally blackmailing you to return. 
From what you wrote about her ex husband it seems she has a history of failed relationships,you may be just another statistic in her life.


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## Cromer (Nov 25, 2016)

I'd be out in this situation. Wow.


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Kran, read all of Cromers threads, especially the one in the private Area. You will discover the type of man he is, and will then realize that he is someone that you listen to his opinions and suggestions


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## Robbie1234 (Feb 8, 2017)

kran81 said:


> She admits to an emotinal affair but insist that a physical one didnt happen. Despite the text mesaages including her agreeing to meet up and setting a place.
> I dont believe her on that one too much evidence like her stating inthe messages that she sees a certain motel room but not the one he said he was in. She says she went met him and she realised what she was doing was wrong and left before anything happened and stopped contact with him. There was no further messages after they set the meeting. She claims she blocked his number after that. I dont know not sure i care if thats true.


When I was about eight years married I found out that my wife was cheating on me. We had young children and I was trying to get a business off the ground so I very reluctantly took her back. Ten years later she cheated again. The biggest regret of my life is those wasted years. 
Don't make the same mistake as me. Your wife should have been grateful to have a decent man after been married to the arsonist, instead she cheated on you. And don't fool yourself that she was finished with her boyfriend,if she was what was the texts still doing on her phone. 
This was just the start and remember as @Andy1001 said she never owned up,you felt something was wrong and found out yourself. 
Think about having some counseling before dating again and remember not all women are the same.


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## Robbie1234 (Feb 8, 2017)

kran81 said:


> She admits to an emotinal affair but insist that a physical one didnt happen. Despite the text mesaages including her agreeing to meet up and setting a place.
> I dont believe her on that one too much evidence like her stating inthe messages that she sees a certain motel room but not the one he said he was in. She says she went met him and she realised what she was doing was wrong and left before anything happened and stopped contact with him. There was no further messages after they set the meeting. She claims she blocked his number after that. I dont know not sure i care if thats true.


When I was about eight years married I found out that my wife was cheating on me. We had young children and I was trying to get a business off the ground so I very reluctantly took her back. Ten years later she cheated again. The biggest regret of my life is those wasted years. 
Don't make the same mistake as me. Your wife should have been grateful to have a decent man after been married to the arsonist, instead she cheated on you. And don't fool yourself that she was finished with her boyfriend,if she was what was the texts still doing on her phone. 
This was just the start and remember as @Andy1001 said she never owned up,you felt something was wrong and found out yourself. 
Think about having some counseling before dating again and remember not all women are the same.


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## kran81 (Apr 12, 2012)

Kamstel said:


> If you had to make a decision about her right now, what is your gut telling you to do?


Right now its telling me the samething it did when i first read the messages leave and dont look back i had my bags packed and had told my brother i need to crash at his place for a bit before i confronted her. Ive went through and set my own bank accounts up canceled all joint credit cards yesterday so the finances are separate as i can get them. 
Im meeting with a divorce attorney today my family and frienda are telling me i should try to save it but i just dont see anything worth saving besides being a part of her sons life becuase he was innocent in this. 
Im not worried about my daughter adjusting she likes my soon to be ex 
But isn't overly attached and doesn't like spliting my attention


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

I keep telling guys that when a woman starts seeing another man, physically or emotionally, (btw, emotionally means the timing for jumping each others bones is not yet right) she lost sufficient romantic interest that will never return. A woman can't have respect for her marriage and her husband and be warming up the bed with another guy. Keep in mind that her wanting to stay married and being happy and satisfied in it are two different dogs. For analogy; unlike a homeowner, renters need a roof over their heads and often fight to stay on the property until its in their interest to leave, but they seldom possess an attachment/bond to the place they rent. When a woman cheats, she has often "quitclaimed" the marriage and its related responsibilities, over to the husband, but will hang around as a squatter precluding him from a break and opportunity to clean up his life.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Cheaters lie a lot. Get out now.

Sounds like she’s been playing you.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

The "we met up but I couldn't go through with it" is one of the cheater's most common lies. When she feels like she finally has to confess something, it will be "we only kissed". That's also one of the most common lies. In any case, this woman is trash who couldn't even find it in herself to act in her son's best interests. She needs to find someone of her own caliber--maybe another arsonist or an armed robber for some variety.


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

kran81 said:


> The. Sexting start about 3 weeks ago and did stop about a week ago.
> 
> As for talking about adopting her son its been an on again off again conversation for about 5 months and yea i love him it been a joy having him in my life she has full custody of him his 6 years years old and randomly started calling me dad about 5 months ago and i brought it up to her. She has been worried about the drama it could bring from her ex who is in prison right now for arson as he tried to burn her house down when she left him.


1. Sexting other men.
2. Has kid from previous marriage. To an arsonist. Who is now is prison. 

She is one of those "What in the sam hell was I thinking?" women you will look back on and laugh/cry about.

Run for your life.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

No man, she knew what had happened to you, therefore should have been hyper-vigilant so as to not allow even the hint of infidelity to be within ten miles of you. Now, you need to end it with her. At the very least, her judgement is faulty, and her boundaries are pretty damn bad. She is not a candidate for reconciliation, and by allowing this to go as far as it has shows an amazing level of disrespect for you. Best that she is gone.


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

kran81 said:


> I found these forums when i found out my first wife cheated on me in 2012. Got some good advice maned up and divorced her after seeing she would never change.
> Ended up remarried in 2015 to Who thought was a wonderful and loyal woman. We have no kids together but each have one from a previous marriage. But here recently she had started to act odd i chalked it up to here now working the grave yard shift and me working mornings so we havent been seeing alot of each other. She gets home feom work as im leaving for work
> 
> Well due my ex I am a bit of suspicious person now so the other day when i didnt have to go to work i picked her phone up while she was asleep and went through it. I found messages to another man that seemed to be just an emotional thing at first but the took a turn to them talking about meeting up and her agreeing from what i can till they met up.
> ...


You're not out of line to shoot down counseling, counseling only really works when there's a disconnect in the marriage and cheating is not a disconnect. I had a very similar situation, I had found texts on my soon to be ex-wife's phone from other men, nothing that was 100% proof of anything more then just texts, but still. I confronted her about them and every time it was the same answer "It's nothing, we're just friends, I did nothing wrong, they were unsolicited texts" among other lame excuses. We had tried counseling in the past and after a few sessions she decided she didn't want to do it anymore and again gave me lame excuses as to why. She told me she didn't like the counselor, then how she didn't believe in counseling, and how she felt it was a waste of money and we could fix things on our own. Then back in May I had that feeling again so I checked her phone again and found 100% proof of an affair with another man, a good friend of mine no less. That was it, I was done. The morning after I found the texts I told her we were done, I let my friends wife know what was going on, and now we're almost done with mediation.

Yes being cheated on hurts, the mental stress from asking yourself why it happened, what really went so wrong to cause her to cheat, and how you didn't see it or see it coming are some of the worst feelings. They make you almost feel like them cheating was your fault, but it's not. They made the choice to cheat, not you. I knew that all the other times I found texts that there was more going on then just texting, I just didn't want to admit it to myself because I didn't see 100% proof of it, and honestly that torn me apart. It took me a long time to get myself back to who I was and that's why when I did find the proof I needed I had no problem ending it. Trying to reconcile with a cheater, someone who made a conscious decision to not face their problems but instead go and find someone else behind your back, is not worth the effort. From my experience, every confrontation, discussion, or any other attempt to try and work on things were all just dismissed, but in a way that made it seem that she wanted to stay together. It's just not worth the stress, once a cheater, always a cheater.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

"My friends tell me I'm out of line too shoot marriage counseling down. I don't think I am she knows my ex cheated and I left that marriage for it. But then again i dont know what think what my ex did still hurts and my current wife's betrayal hurts even more and opens those old wounds."

"Im meeting with a divorce attorney today my family and friends are telling me i should try to save it but i just dont see anything worth saving besides being a part of her sons life because he was innocent in this. "

Look this is YOUR boundary, not your friends or family. Obviously this is a deal-breaker for you. While you don't want MC, you may want to do IC for yourself. Very sorry that you are here again.

I think that having your wife do a polygraph may be good just for YOUR sanity. It will tell you a lot when you see how she reacts to the request.


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## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

kran81 said:


> The. Sexting start about 3 weeks ago and did stop about a week ago.
> 
> As for talking about adopting her son its been an on again off again conversation for about 5 months and yea i love him it been a joy having him in my life she has full custody of him his 6 years years old and randomly started calling me dad about 5 months ago and i brought it up to her. She has been worried about the drama it could bring from her ex who is in prison right now for arson as he tried to burn her house down when she left him.



By all means ... don't return to this **** show.

Something in your gut told you to check her phone ... I'm sure you were getting tell tale signs that something was off and IT WAS.

Also, to ALL stepfathers ... DO NOT ever contemplate adopting your W's children. There is absolutely NOTHING to be gained by such an action ... if you stop to consider it, there is NO upside to adopting a stepchild.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

kran81 said:


> She admits to an emotinal affair but insist that a physical one didnt happen. Despite the text mesaages including her agreeing to meet up and setting a place.
> I dont believe her on that one too much evidence like her stating inthe messages that she sees a certain motel room but not the one he said he was in. She says she went met him and she realised what she was doing was wrong and left before anything happened and stopped contact with him. There was no further messages after they set the meeting. She claims she blocked his number after that. I dont know not sure i care if thats true.


EA. PA. Does not matter. You have enough respect for yourself to not stay in a relationship with infidelity as the main course. Stay the course!


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

kran81 said:


> The. Sexting start about 3 weeks ago and did stop about a week ago.
> 
> As for talking about adopting her son its been an on again off again conversation for about 5 months and yea i love him it been a joy having him in my life she has full custody of him his 6 years years old and randomly started calling me dad about 5 months ago and i brought it up to her. She has been worried about the drama it could bring from her ex who is in prison right now for arson as he tried to burn her house down when she left him.


Sir, this relationship is not worth salvaging IMO. Sorry for the sons situation but.....it appears this womans back story is full of a lot more than you may know.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

In order to get closure have your WW take a polygraph, and STD testing.

It's possible your WW cheated on her ex which made him nuts enough to burn her house down, she then rewrote history to make herself the victim. Cheating may be a chronic behavior of hers.

Who is the OM have you exposed him?

Tamat


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

" She has been worried about the drama it could bring from her ex who is in prison right now for arson as he tried to burn her house down when she left him."


ex in prison when SHE left him....Hmmm. Probably for another guy? Then she isn't getting child support from baby daddy as well right? Then adoption is brought up....

She is a winner! No chance for R here. Damaged goods. Bail out.


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

You know you are doing the correct thing.
Congratulations on refusing to allow her to put you through Hell!!!

Great job taking care of the bank accounts.

Good luck at the attorneys today.


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

1. Did you know about the arson before you married her? *If so, what were your thoughts?*

2. *STD test*. If nothing else, to set the tone.

3. *Written Timeline* to be back-checked by *polygraph*.

4. *File and serve*. Her actions will tell you whether to continue.

5. *Expose* hither and yon.

6. *180*.

7. Ask that all communication be *through the lawyers*.

8. You have shown *decisiveness* in both actions. Keep it up!


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

What are the occupations again? And how long was she on grave yard shift? Did you get a larger view of the deceit going on? How were they meeting?


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

kran81 said:


> I found these forums when i found out my first wife cheated on me in 2012. Got some good advice maned up and divorced her after seeing she would never change.
> Ended up remarried in 2015 to Who thought was a wonderful and loyal woman. We have no kids together but each have one from a previous marriage. But here recently she had started to act odd i chalked it up to here now working the grave yard shift and me working mornings so we havent been seeing alot of each other. She gets home feom work as im leaving for work
> 
> Well due my ex I am a bit of suspicious person now so the other day when i didnt have to go to work i picked her phone up while she was asleep and went through it. I found messages to another man that seemed to be just an emotional thing at first but the took a turn to them talking about meeting up and her agreeing from what i can till they met up.
> ...


Nope. Brother you are doing everything right. 

Dump her and move on. No need to stay with a cheater. 

And of course you know she is lying about nothing happened, right. You have been through this before. 

Yes she was banging him, and you know it. 

But then that begs the question, what is wrong with your picker?????


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

kran81 said:


> I found these forums when i found out my first wife cheated on me in 2012. Got some good advice maned up and divorced her after seeing she would never change.
> Ended up remarried in 2015 to Who thought was a wonderful and loyal woman. We have no kids together but each have one from a previous marriage. But here recently she had started to act odd i chalked it up to here now working the grave yard shift and me working mornings so we havent been seeing alot of each other. She gets home feom work as im leaving for work
> 
> Well due my ex I am a bit of suspicious person now so the other day when i didnt have to go to work i picked her phone up while she was asleep and went through it. I found messages to another man that seemed to be just an emotional thing at first but the took a turn to them talking about meeting up and her agreeing from what i can till they met up.
> ...


You are doing what most don't have the courage to do and that is moving on and cutting losses. If your woman knew of your previous BS experiences and STILL had the mindset to proceed with an EA headed towards an PA, you were not only correct in your decision, but decisive as well, which potentially saved you lots of grief and future hurt. BS often don't see that it's the post DD experiences that inflicts a great deal of pain. You have the affair, but if you go no contact after the affair, there are no NEW hurts. 

Should you stay (and there's nothing wrong with reconciling) the BS is susceptible to being in the waywards presence daily, which is an immediate trigger, then having to run a masterful surveillance plan to make sure no further cheating is happening, and then if the affair has not ended, a second rediscovery which is HUMILIATING and then the need to seek counseling and possibly take drugs to relieve the pain that was brought on supposedly by the person that loved you. 

By leaving you are cutting potential losses can recover sooner since you are focusing on you and not you and her. BTW...the marriage counseling recommendation by your friends is preposterous. The marriage didn't cause her to cheat. She caused herself to cheat. Nice job on moving forward.


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

kran81 said:


> She called me nonstop from the moment i left to the moment i got to where I am staying about 45 minutes to get across town leaving voice mails that ranged *from angry at me for leaving to apologetic and begging for another chance.*
> 
> When i spoke to her *she suggested counseling *I shot the idea down telling her I cant be with a cheater and am not going to waste anymore time with someone who cant be loyal and respectful to me.
> .


Not that you needed it, but no further confirmation of her infidelity is needed with these two statements. I can't emphasize enough how right you were remove yourself from infidelity, which is always the best move in my opinion. By removing yourself, you can begin healing instantly.


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## seadoug105 (Jan 12, 2018)

kran81 said:


> My friends tell me I'm out of line too shoot marriage counseling down.


Some of my best friends can be totally idiotic A$$HOLES. I still love the though. I might take their advice on the best players to pick in a fantasy draft. But not what values I'm willing (or not) to compromise in my marriage.

You ARE doing the right thing. 

Her showing up at the motel shows intent! Even though one would have to be an idiot to believe she got all the way to meeting with him and then REALISED it was wrong...

This wasn't boredom or fantasy! it was action!

Oh yeah... the communication probably stopped because he GOT what he wanted. HE HIT IT! & QUIT IT!


Again you are doing the right thing!


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

By the way....How much does marriage counselling cost these days?

How much is it for a moving van?


hmmm.....


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

If she does this while she is still almost a newlywed, how much more will she do this 10 years from now.

And could you ever trust her again if she goes on a trip to visit family, on a girls night out, on business.

Tamat


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## kran81 (Apr 12, 2012)

skerzoid said:


> 1. Did you know about the arson before you married her? *If so, what were your thoughts?*
> 
> 2. *STD test*. !


Yes i did know know about her exs actions before we were married and thought well I cant judge her for loving some one who had the mental issues and went to the extremes of nearly killing her when she had enough of his crap. When the last relationship i was in ended qith my ex doing several crazy things to try to scare me into staying or to ruin my life. 

As for the std test have an appointment set to that on Monday. I filed for divorce today should be fairly simple. No major property to divide no child support or custody to hammer out.

To the qeustion about our jobs I'm a surgical assistant and shes an rn we work at the same hospital just diffrent department s. We actually met and got to know each other while both going through our first divorces at work. Wed exchange you cant belive what my ex did now story's over lunch in the cafeteria when we could.

Any way i work wither the 5am to 5 pm shift or 7 am to7pm shift mon to friday for the last two months shes been working 6pm to 6am graveyard shift monday to friday weve qhere barely getting in a passing good bye and the weekend are dominanted by the kid's. 
So the odd behavior and such i did chalk up to just emotional distance to lack of time together but that little nagging voice in the back of my head told me to check i was hoping i was wrong as neither of us have lock codes on our phones and neither of use are controling of our phones. But i was wrong.


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

ouch....Nurses. Boy could I tell you some stories (ret. paramedic/fireman) . So sorry bud. You are on track and moving forward. Just goes to show how "trusting" she thought you were and how much she could snow you for....

So, do you think you need to change hospitals now?


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

jlg07 said:


> "My friends tell me I'm out of line too shoot marriage counseling down. I don't think I am she knows my ex cheated and I left that marriage for it. But then again i dont know what think what my ex did still hurts and my current wife's betrayal hurts even more and opens those old wounds."
> 
> "Im meeting with a divorce attorney today my family and friends are telling me i should try to save it but i just dont see anything worth saving besides being a part of her sons life because he was innocent in this. "
> 
> ...


Here's a question for friends and family.

How many people does she need to sleep with before it's okay not to try and save the marriage?


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

Your doing the right thing. She played the game and now sadly its going to come at a cost. I would let HR know so you can protect yourself there. She will likely try to change your mind and when that doesn't work she will probably come after you and lie about you. 

Good for you for standing strong. 

There are better women out there. 
C


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

I was a serial dater as a young man but I had a rule that I never broke.
No ****ing nurses!
They find it extremely difficult if not impossible to remain faithful in my experience and the worst of them all are emergency room nurses.
They see so much death and destroyed lives that they seem to develop a very lackadaisical attitude to casual sex.
Just my opinion.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

kran81 I'm sorry this happened to you. It sucks the major bone. 

You are doing the right thing. If anything else, dump her for her stupidity. Tell her you have no desire to remain married to a moron. Only a moron would do what she has done. 

She knew that your ex-wife cheated on you. You established your boundaries early on when you met her, and if you back down now what little respect she has for you will be completely gone. Move forward with the divorce and shoot this horse. Put it out of its misery. 

Then get yourself into counseling, not only for grief, but also to figure out why your chick radar is broken.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

VladDracul said:


> I keep telling guys that when a woman starts seeing another man, physically or emotionally,
> 
> (btw, emotionally means the timing for jumping each others bones is not yet right) she lost sufficient romantic interest that will never return.
> 
> ...


What he said! 

Vlad has nailed it, or impaled it, as it were.

She has checked out, but you are a "good thing", that she would hate to "lose".

You are a commodity to her, she is just not sure if having bought you, is it perhaps now time to sell or trade.

You are doing the right thing.

Btw there is a general consensus here, imo, that Marriage Counseling with an unremorseful cheating spouce is an exercise in self-deception. 

I wish you well.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

kran81 said:


> Yes i did know know about her exs actions before we were married and thought well I cant judge her for loving some one who had the mental issues and went to the extremes of nearly killing her when she had enough of his crap. When the last relationship i was in ended qith my ex doing several crazy things to try to scare me into staying or to ruin my life.
> 
> As for the std test have an appointment set to that on Monday. I filed for divorce today should be fairly simple. No major property to divide no child support or custody to hammer out.
> 
> ...


Does the fella she was 'talking' to work at the same hospitable?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

If OM is local it’s pretty likely that there’s been more than sexting going on.

File ASAP and put her out of your life for good.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

kran81 said:


> When i spoke to her she suggested counseling I shot the idea down telling her I cant be with a cheater and am not going to waste anymore time with someone who cant be loyal and respectful to me.


My thoughts exactly. They are low class, why would you want to be.

Next time tell her YOU don't need counseling YOU didn't cheat.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

kran81 said:


> Yes i did know know about her exs actions before we were married and thought well I cant judge her for loving some one who had the mental issues and went to the extremes of nearly killing her when she had enough of his crap. When the last relationship i was in ended qith my ex doing several crazy things to try to scare me into staying or to ruin my life.


Judge the hell out of everyone you will have a better life. There is a reason why she was with someone like that. You are finding out.


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## kran81 (Apr 12, 2012)

Well my soon to be ex took a personal day from work tonight and showed up at my brothers to speak to me. We sat on his back patio where has security cameras and i used my var to record i told her i have nothing more to say to her but would hear her side out but was going to change nothing.

She told me she meet the other man through a old friend they started out talking just as friends then thing got a little flirty but remained harmlessand this was right around the time we we had no real time with eachother due to work and other circumstances. She started to feel like we where just going through the motions and felt detched and neglected by me. So she let the flirting become more becuase the attention felt good. Then he asked her to meet him and she did last week and ahe aticks by it felt to real and ahe reliazed she was going to lose me and the life we where building due to crazy work hiura and not trying to set time aside for us and left the hotel before getting to the room. She said she wanted to tell me about it but didnt know how and was affaid that with my experience with my ex i would leave. She followed that up with she ia sorry and will do anything to fix this.

I told her she was right I would of left if she came clean just like i did finding out on my own becuase she went so far as to take the time to meet a random guy then to say hey set aside sometime for us to me which i would of loved to do and that i dont belive that nothing happened and that the time for cousling for us passed the mintue she went to to that motel.

I then politely asked her to leave after handing her my lawyers card and saying anyfurther contact needs to be made through him. She left in tears saying she understands but is sorry and wishes id forgive her and give her a second chance.

I am 36 years old and dont want to play games i had enough of that as teen and in my first marriage. Ill admit im guilty of not trying to make time for us but iwas just hoping that work hours would regulate back to normal and wed have time together again but that doesn't justify her doing the same and cheating to get the attention she craved.

Sorry if i sound a bit bitter but she just left and now im sitting her alone reflecting on what i did wrong here and playing the what if game in my head.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

If you DID want to check, ask her to take a polygraph to prove that she didn't do anything with him physically.
Of course what she did WAS an EA, so not sure it matters enough to you.


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## kran81 (Apr 12, 2012)

jlg07 said:


> If you DID want to check, ask her to take a polygraph to prove that she didn't do anything with him physically.
> Of course what she did WAS an EA, so not sure it matters enough to you.


It doesn't matter to me at this point wether it was juat ea or pa. The what if game i keep runni g through my head revoles around if i would done things diffrent would it of still happened at all. I know ita a stupid game to play doesn't change anything and just causes guilt and regret but cant help but play it right now. Just stuck in my own head happens to me alot. I know nothing i did or didnt do justifies here cheating and not going to take her back ive been do e that road with wife number 1 the resentful person it turned me to was not good for any one especail my daughther and I.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Fair enough. She had to know the risks she ran if she did this, esp. knowing what happened from your first marriage. She now gets to face the consequences of her actions. Sorry you are going through this and I hope it isn't triggering crap from your first marriage. Just take care of yourself and your daughter - stay healthy.


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## PreRaph (Jun 13, 2017)

kran81 said:


> Well my soon to be ex took a personal day from work tonight and showed up at my brothers to speak to me. We sat on his back patio where has security cameras and i used my var to record i told her i have nothing more to say to her but would hear her side out but was going to change nothing.
> 
> She told me she meet the other man through a old friend they started out talking just as friends then thing got a little flirty but remained harmlessand this was right around the time we we had no real time with eachother due to work and other circumstances. She started to feel like we where just going through the motions and felt detched and neglected by me. So she let the flirting become more becuase the attention felt good. Then he asked her to meet him and she did last week and ahe aticks by it felt to real and ahe reliazed she was going to lose me and the life we where building due to crazy work hiura and not trying to set time aside for us and left the hotel before getting to the room. She said she wanted to tell me about it but didnt know how and was affaid that with my experience with my ex i would leave. She followed that up with she ia sorry and will do anything to fix this.
> 
> ...


Your story makes me very sad. You don't sound that bitter at all. You've been cheated on before and you don't want to go through the same shyte again. That's 100% understandable and nobody can tell you that you should give her another chance. It's her second marriage. She should have known better.

Follow through and let her come to realize the consequences of her actions. You can always change your mind later if you see a real change in her, but right now she's desperate and will do anything not to lose you.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

kran81 said:


> Well my soon to be ex took a personal day from work tonight and showed up at my brothers to speak to me. We sat on his back patio where has security cameras and i used my var to record i told her i have nothing more to say to her but would hear her side out but was going to change nothing.
> 
> She told me she meet the other man through a old friend they started out talking just as friends then thing got a little flirty but remained harmlessand this was right around the time we we had no real time with eachother due to work and other circumstances. She started to feel like we where just going through the motions and felt detched and neglected by me. So she let the flirting become more becuase the attention felt good. Then he asked her to meet him and she did last week and ahe aticks by it felt to real and ahe reliazed she was going to lose me and the life we where building due to crazy work hiura and not trying to set time aside for us and left the hotel before getting to the room. She said she wanted to tell me about it but didnt know how and was affaid that with my experience with my ex i would leave. She followed that up with she ia sorry and will do anything to fix this.
> 
> ...


First of all congratulations. You handled that brilliantly. In the end you will look back and be proud of yourself. It will be painful but you know the deal you got through the first one you can get through this one. Just takes time. The good news is you have a healthy amount of self respect, you just have to work on your picker. 

As for your soon to be ex it amazes me how any adult can tell a story like that and somehow think that it is acceptable. This is how she handles her problem in the marriage? Garbage. In the long run you will be much better off. People like you ex suck to be with.


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## kran81 (Apr 12, 2012)

Well my brother is on my side now he came and sat outside with me as we tend to do qhen ever qhere around eachother have the time we sit and shoot the bull about our lives and current events and is talking to me now but how he just want me to be happy and he said he was pushing for me to reconcile at first becuase he said i aeemed truly happy with her which i was till this happened but he understands now i wont be happy knowing what happened and there is no fixing that now


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

kran,
Really sorry you're getting ran over twice. There is is a disproportionate impact when you're hit with it a second time (I know!), and so you have my complete sympathy. 

You are taking the right course of action. I can tell that you are not acting out of spite, but out of an understanding of what your wife's betrayal means in terms of respect, regard, and security. Your wife is not safe, and the disregard she showed you informs you about any future with her. 

It is human to look back and even healthy to reflect on what went wrong and your part in it. But, of course, this is her doing. She took the concrete steps to end the marriage, not you. Don't look back too long or you will turn into a pillar of salt to use Old Testament symbolism. We see a lot of people on TAM who are locked in the past and obsess about their cheating ex spouses. That leads to misery.

Take all the time you need to heal and keep moving forward. It's especially devastating to have gone through two failed marriages, but neither are your fault. You will need to more carefully evaluate future partners. Be mindful of the criteria you had with your first two wives, and make a change and next time you select somebody with strong moral character.


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## Oceania (Jul 12, 2018)

Hi Kran
I'm glad your fellow TAMérs are online and looking after you and that you also have family with you emoji smile.


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

kran81 said:


> Well my soon to be ex took a personal day from work tonight and showed up at my brothers to speak to me. We sat on his back patio where has security cameras and i used my var to record i told her i have nothing more to say to her but would hear her side out but was going to change nothing.
> 
> She told me she meet the other man through a old friend *they started out talking just as friends* * then thing got a little flirty* but remained harmlessand this was right around the time we had no real time with each other due to work and other circumstances[/B]. She started to feel like we where just going through the motions and *felt detched and neglected by me*. *So she let the flirting become more becuase the attention felt good*. *Then he asked her to meet him* *and she did last week *and ahe aticks by it felt to real and ahe reliazed she was going to lose me and the life we where *building due to crazy work hiura *and *not trying to set time aside for us* and left the hotel before getting to the room. *She said she wanted to tell me about it *but didnt know how and *was affaid that with my experience with my ex i would leave.* She followed that up with she ia sorry and will do anything to fix this.
> 
> ...


My comments one by one on the bold

1) Met a man through a friend and started out talking. Poor choice #1

2) The talking became flirtatious. Poor choice #2

3) She started to feel neglected. Poor coping skills #1

4) She let the flirting become more. Poor choice #3

5) Because the attention felt good. Poor coping skills #2

6) He asked her to meet him. A total of 3 f up's here. F up #1. 

She offered he AP no resistance and therefor he felt comfortable enough to ask her to meet him at a hotel. Poor choice #4

She didn't refuse meeting him when he called. Poor choice #5

She actually made time, got in the car and went to meet him at a HOTEL Poor choice #6. 

7) She wanted to tell you. ..........Tell you what?......., that she agreed to meet a man at a hotel for sex? That's like mys son coming to me and saying, Dad, I was mad at my boss at work so I took my gun to go shoot him, but thought better of it............ My point is, WTF are you thinking in the first place and second, thank you for not murdering the guy, but you tactfully proceeded to kill someone, so while I'm glad you didn't, something is very wrong within you. I can't divorce my son, but you have choices with a wife that actually entered into the cost/benefit analysis of her marriage, knowing full well what the cost was and DID IT ANYWAY

8) A skipped f' up is she gave the guy her number. Poor choice #7

Multiple poor choices and coping skills. You're work schedule is one she should very well be aware of considering she's in the same industry. Furthermore, consider the previous marriages of both of you which ended in divorce due to infidelity, it's mind boggling that her decision making was as poor as it was. Her poor coping skills meant anytime you went through a difficult work schedule or other personal stress period, you would ALSO have to worry about her even though YOU are going through something. Married life is FULL of these periods. You did the right thing.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

kran81 said:


> It doesn't matter to me at this point wether it was juat ea or pa. The what if game i keep runni g through my head revoles around if i would done things diffrent would it of still happened at all. I know ita a stupid game to play doesn't change anything and just causes guilt and regret but cant help but play it right now. Just stuck in my own head happens to me alot. I know nothing i did or didnt do justifies here cheating and not going to take her back ive been do e that road with wife number 1 the resentful person it turned me to was not good for any one especail my daughther and I.


Keep telling yourself this.You did nothing whatsoever to justify her cheating,either emotionally or physically.
It’s not like you were playing computer games for hours at a stretch or going to a bar every night leaving her feeling neglected.
You were working your ass off all week then spending weekends with both your children.In my eyes this makes you a stand up guy who has his priorities right.
She was hit on by a probable player and she didn’t put up any resistance whatsoever.She has only admitted what you can prove conclusively,because you didn’t actually see her having sex she will not admit it.If you did see her screwing him she would insist it only happened once and she didn’t enjoy it.Cheaters script.
The one thing that puzzles me is why she kept his details,texts etc on her phone if as she claims she had cut off contact with him.
Was she getting some feeling of desirability from them?
Or has she a built in self destruct button and knew you would see them eventually.
She has her own problems to sort out but you shouldn’t have to eat a **** sandwich to facilitate her demons or whatever she calls them.
And as @sokillme puts it,the wayward spouse is the **** sandwich.
Good luck.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

kran81 said:


> Any way i work wither the 5am to 5 pm shift or 7 am to7pm shift mon to friday *for the last two months*
> 
> She told me *she meet the other man through a old friend* they started out talking just as friends then thing got a little flirty but remained harmlessand this was right around the time we we had no real time with eachother due to work and other circumstances. She started to feel like we where just going through the motions and *felt detched and neglected by me*.


Her story seems off in a lot of ways. All this in just two months? In two months she went from "in love" and happy to "felt neglected" and meeting another man at a motel? Something's really wrong either in the story she's selling or in her ability to stick through even a short term of adversity.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

You're doing the right thing by dumping her. You gave her a 2nd chance and you're rewarded with her having friends connecting her with a guy. 

Why do you think her friend tried to connect her with this guy? Because she was probably trash talking the man that was contemplating adopting the son she had with her arsonist ex. Think about that. Here you were truly accepting all of her by thinking about taking on that type of responsibility for her son and she's sexting some dude that not only knows she's married but probably knows who you are.

As for her not following through once she got to the hotel, I really doubt that. It probably cooled off because he already got what he wanted. Also don't think that was the only chance for a hookup. Your gut was telling you something was off for a while. The hotel may have been the time it was fully consummated but don't think hanky panky didn't take place at work, or in the car during breaks.

Even if she didn't get physical, (highly unlikely) she knew you were a zero tolerance man. Yet she still couldn't resist. How a divorcee with a kid messes up on a man a 2nd time is beside me. 

As an aside, to lurking BHs. Notice the quick action @kran81 took. Also take note of how his WW is scrambling to salvage the marriage. Contrast that with the MANY waffling BHs who resist taking the advice of TAMers as their WW is emboldened by their passivity and weakness.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

Kran, I think your D is the best strategy. An aside: A lot of marriage counselors are screwier than their clients. If you want to see a lot of nut cases, go to a convention where there are a lot of MSW.


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

I too think that you are doing the correct thing.

I would however have lawyer contact the hotel and get the security cam tapes for that day to see how long she was there, just in case you ever need to find out if it was physical or not.

Personally I don’t believe it matters if she f_cked the guy or not, but you may want to have evidence of the truth in the future


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

jsmart said:


> You're doing the right thing by dumping her. You gave her a 2nd chance and you're rewarded with her having friends connecting her with a guy.
> 
> Why do you think her friend tried to connect her with this guy? Because she was probably trash talking the man that was contemplating adopting the son she had with her arsonist ex. Think about that. Here you were truly accepting all of her by thinking about taking on that type of responsibility for her son and she's sexting some dude that not only knows she's married but probably knows who you are.
> 
> ...



It appears to be the OP's second go around, so he knows what needs to be done from the start. 

Excellent advice, too bad that it's not taken very often, even when they read all the stories on here.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

You said earlier "We actually met and got to know each other while both going through our first divorces at work. Wed exchange you cant belive what my ex did now story's over lunch in the cafeteria when we could."

Her not being on the up and up with you may well have started here. Yessir, right from the getgo. Sad sad fabrications that she came up with to show that you were kindred spirits and get you on her side.

One has to wonder when she stopped being straight with you, or her ex, or any man for that matter.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

kran81 said:


> It doesn't matter to me at this point wether it was juat ea or pa. The what if game i keep runni g through my head revoles around if i would done things diffrent would it of still happened at all. I know ita a stupid game to play doesn't change anything and just causes guilt and regret but cant help but play it right now. Just stuck in my own head happens to me alot. I know nothing i did or didnt do justifies here cheating and not going to take her back ive been do e that road with wife number 1 the resentful person it turned me to was not good for any one especail my daughther and I.


She obviously tweeked the story to try and make you sympathetic to her.

She did this by implying the relationship was innocent to start with,( did she mention her new "friend" to you? No.).

She also blamed you for her "vulnerability" ("failed to set time aside") so you will take some responsibility for her actions and accept her back.

Listen, your gut was NOT wrong when you sensed something was off. 

That was the point at which she began letting this guy meet her emotional needs. A role she has vowed to reserve for you alone.

You were not wrong and she was not honest about the timeline of the EA that led to the hotel.

To get from "hello" to a "hotel" leaves out a LOT of details!!!! (Btw who is the "old friend" that introduced them?)

Realize if you would have accepted her back based the the timeline and story she offered you, than you would be believing a lie, and she would be ok with that!!!

Her emotional attachment to him and detachment from you dates from when you first noticed it. Keep trusting your gut.

Take care.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

@kran8,

You may haved dodged another bullet here as well.

You would perhaps be amazed at the number of women who get back with their loser, abusive, POS, ex's when they get out of prison, even abandoning their family's and loyal partners.

It's the cycle of drama, and the, "I couldnt imagine you with someone else, I was crazy with jealousy".


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

I think this thread serves as an example as to the high failure rate of second marriages.The op had been through it before and knew all the signs and red flags to look out for.He calls it a gut feeling but it is really experience that made him recognize the warning signs.
And divorce,like everything else in life,is always easier after the first time.


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## kran81 (Apr 12, 2012)

jsmart said:


> As an aside, to lurking BHs. Notice the quick action @kran81 took. Also take note of how his WW is scrambling to salvage the marriage. Contrast that with the MANY waffling BHs who resist taking the advice of TAMers as their WW is emboldened by their passivity and weakness.


This is my second go round with a cheating wife i wish i would of followed the advice given right away the first go but i was naive enough to think one it was my fault 2 i could correct someone elses mistakes. It took my myself getting into individual counseling due to getting to the brink of killing myself to take any advice with my first ex wife.

I had to rebuild myself from the ground up after my first ww. I feel i came out a stronger and better person for it hell my ex even told me she respects who i am now better then she did when she was married to me. We've managed to have a healthy relationship in divorce of course we dont talk everyday and only see each other at things that envole our daughter who i have split custody of.


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

Any idea who the OM is? Married? Co-worker?


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## kran81 (Apr 12, 2012)

Tobyboy said:


> Any idea who the OM is? Married? Co-worker?


I found him on facebook using his phone number he has a few mutal friends of hers and according to his profile is single and a truck driver.


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

kran81 said:


> I found him on facebook using his phone number he has a few mutal friends of hers and according to his profile is single and a truck driver.


I assume the POS is not local. If he’s single, why not meet at his place(?).


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## kran81 (Apr 12, 2012)

Tobyboy said:


> I assume the POS is not local. If he’s single, why not meet at his place(?).


No his not local I only looked him up to see if he was single or not becuase i feel if he had a significant other they should know his actions.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Still expose the OM to high heaven his parent, grandparents, workplace, facebook whoever is significant to him.

It will make a good story to tell your next SO, it will warn them that you will make them and the object of their affection pay a price.

Tamat


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

kran81 said:


> This is my second go round with a cheating wife i wish i would of followed the advice given right away the first go but i was naive enough to think one it was my fault 2 i could correct someone elses mistakes. It took my myself getting into individual counseling due to getting to the brink of killing myself to take any advice with my first ex wife.
> 
> I had to rebuild myself from the ground up after my first ww. I feel i came out a stronger and better person for it hell my ex even told me she respects who i am now better then she did when she was married to me. We've managed to have a healthy relationship in divorce of course we dont talk everyday and only see each other at things that envole our daughter who i have split custody of.



You're handling this like a BOSS. Textbook. It's a shame you had to go through it once before to "learn the ropes" and it's a horrible thing to have to go through twice, but you are doing great and will recover quickly due to your good decision making. Godspeed through the hard times.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

For me, the conscious decision to meet at a motel is enough for divorce. She intended to have sex with the OM when she went to the motel. She wanted to have sex with him. She knew what this would do to you. She thought it through, weighed her options, considered what would happen if you found out. And decided to go anyway. 

It would not make any difference to me if she did, or did not actually do the deed.

You have made the correct choice.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

i know you walked away from the house...is the house in both your names...I only ask to ensure that your not paying for her to have this guy over?


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## kran81 (Apr 12, 2012)

Lostinthought61 said:


> i know you walked away from the house...is the house in both your names...I only ask to ensure that your not paying for her to have this guy over?


We both had our own houses beforw we got married afterwards we decided to live at hers as it was bigger and rented mine out. We never changed ir added any names to the deeds of the properties. I curently have a tennet in my property whos lease is up and been on a month to month agreement with me for the last year or so. I will be moving back there myself soon but want to give my tennet plenty of time to find another placw and move they have been wonderful tenants.


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

kran81 said:


> I found these forums when i found out my first wife cheated on me in 2012. Got some good advice maned up and divorced her after seeing she would never change.
> Ended up remarried in 2015 to Who thought was a wonderful and loyal woman. We have no kids together but each have one from a previous marriage. But here recently she had started to act odd i chalked it up to here now working the grave yard shift and me working mornings so we havent been seeing alot of each other. She gets home feom work as im leaving for work
> 
> Well due my ex I am a bit of suspicious person now so the other day when i didnt have to go to work i picked her phone up while she was asleep and went through it. I found messages to another man that seemed to be just an emotional thing at first but the took a turn to them talking about meeting up and her agreeing from what i can till they met up.
> ...


No kids, don't let anyone talk you out of divorcing her when cheating
is a deal breaker for you.


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## Shoyoself (Aug 18, 2017)

You’re doing great given the circumstances. Stay the course and take good care of yourself.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

The minute you start exchanging sob stories, she will empathise but meanwhile in the back of her head she's thinking she's found a nice guy she can build a fantasy around. 

Obviously this being real life when reality kicks in and the nice guy isn't complicit in her fairy world building, because the OP had been cheated on previously, she respects him even less, even finding justification for the cheating.

You are definitely picking them. Not to be harsh but this is a reality, we often go for the same kind of people, their brokenness may be covered up. You exchange sob stories, she makes you believe you were better then her ex and vice versa, red flags ignored and away you go.

I commend you for your zero tolerance to her nonsense, because without a shadow of a doubt, the "you didn't show me attention so I went to bang another man" would have had you jumping through hoops to try and keep her happy, which she would have probably respected you even less and because you know she's primed for cheating probably would have cheated eventually...again.


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## kran81 (Apr 12, 2012)

BobSimmons said:


> You are definitely picking them. Not to be harsh but this is a reality, we often go for the same kind of people, their brokenness may be covered up. You exchange sob stories, she makes you believe you were better then her ex and vice versa, red flags ignored and away you go.
> .


It's not harsh its the truth and I am going be working in on my picking skills. 

As someone else suggested in this post I am going to take a break from dating and do individual counseling when the divorce is finalised. 

Which may be a bit she is getting trival over small pieces of property like a boat and an rv we bought together she told me she was gonna do her best to drag it out so id realize i was making a mistake and give it a second chance. I dont care about either of those things she can have em since she didnt like my idea to sell em and split the money evenly.


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

YOU were making a mistake?!?!?

How about SHE made a huge mistake!!!!!


And as for her strategy... it’s really a great idea!!! Stall for as long as possible, and really piss you off! That sounds like great strategy to make you realize that she is the woman you want to be with for the rest of your life!!

What did she think was going to happen after you would find out?????
If I were you, i’d Let her keep everything, as long as you get to keep the place you bought before you were married, and just walk away as quickly as possible.


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

Nothing to add except another nod of acknowledgement that you did the right thing.

Your plan seems sounds after divorce.

Good luck.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Get with your lawyer, make a plan, and follow through...

That's all ya gotta do....


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

kran81 said:


> It's not harsh its the truth and I am going be working in on my picking skills.
> 
> As someone else suggested in this post I am going to take a break from dating and do individual counseling when the divorce is finalised.
> 
> Which may be a bit she is getting trival over small pieces of property like a boat and an rv we bought together she told me she was gonna do her best to drag it out so id realize i was making a mistake and give it a second chance. I dont care about either of those things she can have em since she didnt like my idea to sell em and split the money evenly.


I'm in the other camp. By all means while the divorce is happening don't date, it's absolutely the right thing to do not only for yourself but whomever it is coming into your life. But I'm a strong advocate for actual dating, just going out and having fun with multiple people, no strings...and not talking about sex either.

We've seemed to come away from dating for fun. Everything's about selecting a potential life partner, almost approaching dating with deadly seriousness like if it fails then the universe itself ends.

When you're ready for a relationship you'll know but in the meantime don't shut yourself off from the world, go and have fun.

That's the best revenge imo.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

For what it's worth my friend went through the same **** and in the end the WW and AP sunk the boat and blow up the RV.

More important to my friend was getting out of infidelity.

He did acknowledge that in fact the two happiest moments in a boat owners life was getting the boat and getting rid of the boat.

As far as the RV...well it was something that could be easily replace....just like his ex!


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## kran81 (Apr 12, 2012)

the guy said:


> For what it's worth my friend went through the same shyt and in the end the WW and AP sunk the boat and blow up the RV.
> 
> More important to my friend was getting out of infidelity.
> 
> ...


The boat was something she wanted from previous experience i know boat stands for break out another thousand but i went along qith getting it becuase they are fun till they break.

The r.v was something i wanted. I love camping id rather do it with out the rv but makes it esier on the kids to have the comforts of home and they are to have for road trips with the family.

Come time to split the stuff up though i figurwd the fairest thing was sell them split the money equally we both helped pay for them and both enjoyed them i dont want to fight over them. But She does I told my lawyer let her have em both. 
All I want to walk away with is my car and my house both of which I owned before we got married.

I told my 1st ex what happened as i had let her know id be keeping our daughter at a diffrent address and she said wow iwas hoping youd found someone thatd treat you better then i did she cheated lied about me but she atleast had the excuse of she had undignoised bipolar disorder and was in a downward spiral
Shes been much more stable since getting on medicine. No one worry I'm not going back to her we are both much happier and healthy divorced does kinda piss me off that shes happily remarried and im working on divorce number 2.

My daughter whose almost 10 looked at me and simply said good we get to go back to our old house where i had my own bathroom. So were all good on that front. 

I get her back this sunday and Im taking a vaction from work for the last 2 weeks of summer juat got the spur of the minute vaction approved by hr and going ro take my brother,his kids and my daughter on a surprise trip to disney world. Then when i get back to work Ill be at working at a new hospital in the companies network thats closer to my new location as i requested a transfer to avoid any issues.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Well the good thing is you been though this before so you know how it goes. No fear that you can't recover and be 100% happy again. You just need to work on your picker. Get a better sense of the signs. I'm sorry dude but I think you already know you are going to be alright.

Also from your daughters comment I wonder if she saw the signs. I knew my Mom was making a mistake when she married my abusive step-father. When they told me I cried. I was 10 or 11 by the way.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Getting your guts ripped out and fed to you the first time around does a number on you. That really stuck with me to a point, where if anyone ever cheated on me again, I'd probably see red, they better get the hell out quick and never come around again.


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## kran81 (Apr 12, 2012)

My attonery finally got backck to me about the messages I left regarding the rv and the boat telling him to let her have them becuase i didnt want to drag this out anymore. 

My attorney infromed they are Community Property aquried during the marraige so by law have to be split 50 50 unless we agree not to split it and he says I shouldn't agree that she'll have no choice but to agree to spilt them 50 50 and the best way to go about that is to sell them as I was willing to do from the get go.

He also has told me she cant prolong the divorce for long she has 30 days from the day the papers where served to her to respond to them or I can file an uncontested divorce. He said the law is im my favor not to cave just to get away from an ufaithful spouse that the law wont let her hold my life hostage and due her being at fault for the marriage ending due to her being unfaithful behavior the judge can and may give me a disproportionate (larger then 50%) amount.

Learning new things this go round had nothing but custody and child support to fight over in the first divorce and by the time i actualy filed that time we both wanted out of the marriage and we quickly and easly worked out a custody deal with meditation.


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Great to hear that the law can sometimes be on the good guy’s side every now and then!


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

I agree with your Lawyer -- don't give up ANYTHING to her just to try to speed up the process...


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

1. I always advise *strength, courage, and decisiveness*. You have been all of those.

2. She knew what would hurt you the most and gambled it anyway. That was a *conscious* decision on her part.

3. She also chose to *risk* her son's happiness and well being for a little "strange". That is not being a good mother or a good wife. *She has failed on the two most important things in her life*, especially with her past history.

4. This type of thing is being encouraged by our culture from top to bottom. *It is the unravelling of our civilization*.

5. You are showing uncommon strength of character. *Kudos to you Sir!!* You have my highest respect in this.


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Hopefully your share from the sale of the rv and boat will be enough to pay off the lawyer!

Have a great time on the trip


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

When you think of how the typical hard working sole/main breadwinner type of man with a few kids is so shamefully treated by the "justice" system, you realize why a wife is so emboldened with a take him to the cleaners type of mentality. 

To think that in 2018, a woman can openly talk about taking advantage of the system to punish a man, all the while playing the "I'm the victim in the situation" card is something that has reach the point of being totally unacceptable behavior. 

That's the mindset your STBX is starting to display. She knows that the courts are almost always on the woman's side. Thankfully in your case, with both parties having stable careers, (thank God you didn't foolishly adopt her kid) will be one that she can't use the courts to screw you.


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## kran81 (Apr 12, 2012)

jsmart said:


> When you think of how the typical hard working sole/main breadwinner type of man with a few kids is so shamefully treated by the "justice" system, you realize why a wife is so emboldened with a take him to the cleaners type of mentality.
> 
> To think that in 2018, a woman can openly talk about taking advantage of the system to punish a man, all the while playing the "I'm the victim in the situation" card is something that has reach the point of being totally unacceptable behavior.
> 
> That's the mindset your STBX is starting to display. She knows that the courts are almost always on the woman's side. Thankfully in your case, with both parties having stable careers, (thank God you didn't foolishly adopt her kid) will be one that she can't use the courts to screw you.


I feel bad for my stbx's son thankfully though he never knew of the discussed plans for adoption. He deserves better then hand he got delt but Im gonna remind my self i sisnt deal him that hand and move forward and hope he comea out good.

She signed the papers after her attorney spoke to mine we are in the 60 day waiting period for to be finalized.

Meanwhile im back from a wonderful vaccation with my daughter. I get to move into my old house next week so no more being a burdden on my brother. I start work at new hospital campus so get a fresh start there. I am oddly happy with life despite being disappointed by choices in wifes.


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## GHaynes (Mar 12, 2018)

I'm really sorry to hear you were betrayed this way twice. She's sorry she was caught but when she went to sleep that night, she wasn't sorry. You set clear boundaries and she violated them. If you don't uphold your consequences, it'll just happen again. I'm so sorry she's making you do that. I don't know how people stomach doing that to someone and still feeling they have the right to keep them.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I'm glad to hear you landed on both feet. You are at the bottom of the valley right now and it sucks, but can't get any worse off than you already have been. You have what is important: your daughter's love, your health, a job, and soon... a roof back over your head. The only direction from this point forwards is upwards!


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

Nice job Kran. Textbook (imo) response on how to identify, confirm and remove infidelity from one's life. It's not much different in a sense from an early cancer diagnosis. Once found early, often the cancer can be surgically removed with greatly improved odds for a full recovery and future health. If found too late, an uphill battle is certain along with sickness, a decreased long term health outlook and commensurate medical costs. 

For one's who choose to stay entrenched in infidelity, they risk further re-exposure (trickle truth telling or ws relapse) which often leads to deeper and longer lasting emotional instability. Of course, lost in that explanation are human emotions, which I understand. With time and professional counseling, you can regain emotional health and happiness, partly because you did not lose your dignity while dealing with it. 

The loss of dignity is one that's hard to overcome for the BS because not only must the deal with the betrayal but must also deal with there post discovery day disposition when they're in shock and in an extremely vulnerable weakened state which leads to desperate actions. Often the wife or husband can return, but the loss of dignity remains so.

How is your stbxw engaging you?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

kran81 said:


> Anyway I work either the 5am to 5pm shift or 7am tov7pm shift Monday to Friday for the last two months; she's been working 6pm to 6am graveyard shift Monday to Friday. We've barely been getting in a passing good bye and the weekend are dominated by the kids.


kran, I'm not commenting on your wife or the cheating. Just wanted to share something for you to think about moving forward. There's a great author named Harley; he talks about how to make marriages great and how to keep them great. One of THE main points he always stresses to (1) make it great and (2) keep someone from possibly cheating is to spend time together. Now I realize sometimes finances dictate separate shifts. But in reality, you are putting your marriage in the danger zone by doing so. Especially in a medical situation where probably half of all cheating occurs. 

Harley says you have to 'feed' your marriage - with fun time together, with bonding time together, with conversation, touching, looking into each others' eyes, all the stuff that made you fall in love in the first place: you have to KEEP doing that stuff or the love disappears - and a window opens for getting those feelings met by some OTHER person, which is what she did.

No matter what happens please keep in mind that in this or your next relationship, you HAVE to find a way to make time for each other. Harley suggests 15 to 20 hours a week, just the two of you! Hire a weekly babysitter if you have to, but find that time.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

kran81 said:


> Well my soon to be ex took a personal day from work tonight and showed up at my brothers to speak to me. We sat on his back patio where has security cameras and i used my var to record i told her i have nothing more to say to her but would hear her side out but was going to change nothing.
> 
> She told me she meet the other man through a old friend they started out talking just as friends then thing got a little flirty but remained harmlessand this was right around the time we we had no real time with eachother due to work and other circumstances. She started to feel like we where just going through the motions and felt detched and neglected by me. So she let the flirting become more becuase the attention felt good. Then he asked her to meet him and she did last week and ahe aticks by it felt to real and ahe reliazed she was going to lose me and the life we where building due to crazy work hiura and not trying to set time aside for us and left the hotel before getting to the room. She said she wanted to tell me about it but didnt know how and was affaid that with my experience with my ex i would leave. She followed that up with she ia sorry and will do anything to fix this.


Basically what I was saying.

ETA: I'm glad to hear you're moving forward with the divorce. What she did was an indicator - she buckles under stress. I like that you're saying you're going to stay away from dating and work on yourself. The best gift (albeit few) my mom gave me was not dating when I was younger so she could focus on me. Enjoy this time with your daughter; she'll be grown up all too soon!


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## Jharp (Jun 8, 2018)

BarbedFenceRider said:


> ouch....Nurses. Boy could I tell you some stories (ret. paramedic/fireman) . So sorry bud. You are on track and moving forward. Just goes to show how "trusting" she thought you were and how much she could snow you for....
> 
> So, do you think you need to change hospitals now?


Could you PM me some of these stories and what to look out for? I'm dating a nurse right now and the Hospital that she works at...well among the staff its got a soap opera feel of 'who is sleeping with who and are they married'. When I told a buddy of mine who I was dating his face fell flat and said he wouldn't talk of her. That's...not encouraging.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Jharp said:


> Could you PM me some of these stories and what to look out for? I'm dating a nurse right now and the Hospital that she works at...well among the staff its got a soap opera feel of 'who is sleeping with who and are they married'. When I told a buddy of mine who I was dating his face fell flat and said he wouldn't talk of her. That's...not encouraging.


Sounds like your nurse is good FWB material.

But working in such an environment with a bunch of "Go Girls" isn't good for long-term fidelity.


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## Jharp (Jun 8, 2018)

Tron said:


> Sounds like your nurse is good FWB material.
> 
> But working in such an environment with a bunch of "Go Girls" isn't good for long-term fidelity.



Fudge...I was afraid of that. I mean I hadn't gotten too serious with her yet but she's been dropping hints about getting serious. At a Hospital its so easy to hide from a spouse too if they don't work there. You can guarantee they'll all be on her side and not yours. Still, might as well enjoy the ride and not get attached. I had suspected this was the case before hand. I've come to trust you guys here on TAM as you're usually spot on with these kinds of things.

This happened to a buddy of mine. His wife was banging a doctor. He only found out about it because he got her social media stuff and learned through there. Her friends who were also his friends lied to his face. He went a bit nuts and lost his head though. He assaulted the doctor and beat him bad to where he needed an ER. And to this day has chronic issues from that beating. Being a former Army Combatives instructor, I can't imagine that was too difficult. He threatened the doctor he'd finish the job if he spent even an hour in jail. Considering the guy was suffering from PTSD from losing a couple of his own soldiers downrange and then finding out some guy is banging his wife while he was deployed. Yeah....

I don't approve, but I understand. Well the Doc believed him and didn't file any charges and said he was mugged. A month after he got out of the hospital he quit and moved out of state. my buddy divorced his wife but 5 years later they got back together again and are still together.


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

Lets see, I had nurse on nurse drama unfold while in the middle of a supposed "date".
I had one final year med student who I got into the bed, when she announced a BDSM fetish along with a side job of "escort" to help pay the way for school.
I had many doctors come to the dept. for continuing training, just to get a chance at the legendary "911" club.

So, yeah....It's a jungle out there. But the nurses usually were the...."easiest." (Note: not putting down ALL nurses mind you.) Just they were stressed and had too much opportunity to mess around. Also, being so close to other "human bodies" all day kinda lowered their guards concerning sensual touch and stuff...Do you see what I mean?

Now, if you have a "good girl" who happened to be a nurse....Then you COMMUNICATE like no other. You make DAMN sure they know your boundaries. But you would do this with any partner. Right?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

BarbedFenceRider said:


> Lets see, I had nurse on nurse drama unfold while in the middle of a supposed "date".
> I had one final year med student who I got into the bed, when she announced a BDSM fetish along with a side job of "escort" to help pay the way for school.
> I had many doctors come to the dept. for continuing training, just to get a chance at the legendary "911" club.
> 
> ...


Okay i give what is the 911 club?


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

Lostinthought61 said:


> Okay i give what is the 911 club?



Long story short..."In a ambulance, or in a fire truck". Sometimes in the bunk room (fabled).


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

BarbedFenceRider said:


> Long story short..."In a ambulance, or in a fire truck". Sometimes in the bunk room (fabled).


I did not know that was a thing...you learn something new everyday


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## kettle (Oct 28, 2016)

I don't think you are out of line at all. She knows your past.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Jharp said:


> Could you PM me some of these stories and what to look out for? I'm dating a nurse right now and the Hospital that she works at...well among the staff its got a soap opera feel of 'who is sleeping with who and are they married'. When I told a buddy of mine who I was dating his face fell flat and said he wouldn't talk of her. That's...not encouraging.


I’d stay away from nurses (or, honestly, anyone in any of the “911” professions), teachers, and hair stylists/nail techs/masseuses.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Jharp said:


> This happened to a buddy of mine. His wife was banging a doctor. He only found out about it because he got her social media stuff and learned through there. Her friends who were also his friends lied to his face. He went a bit nuts and lost his head though. He assaulted the doctor and beat him bad to where he needed an ER. And to this day has chronic issues from that beating. Being a former Army Combatives instructor, I can't imagine that was too difficult. He threatened the doctor he'd finish the job if he spent even an hour in jail. Considering the guy was suffering from PTSD from losing a couple of his own soldiers downrange and then finding out some guy is banging his wife while he was deployed. Yeah....
> 
> I don't approve, but I understand. Well the Doc believed him and didn't file any charges and said he was mugged. A month after he got out of the hospital he quit and moved out of state. *my buddy divorced his wife but 5 years later they got back together again and are still together.*


What a dummy.


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## kettle (Oct 28, 2016)

GusPolinski said:


> I’d stay away from nurses (or, honestly, anyone in any of the “911” professions), teachers, and hair stylists/nail techs/masseuses.


If only I knew this years ago. You are so right. You can add lawyers to that list too. I know two who both treated on their husbands.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Lostinthought61 said:


> I did not know that was a thing...you learn something new everyday


Some years ago, one of the older guys at the hospital where I worked told me about a small trailer that used to be behind one of the buildings on the premises — all there was in the trailer was a couple of bedrooms, a small bathroom, and a couple of beds. It was used by doctors that were either on call or crashing after a long shift.

Additionally, at different times of the day on pretty much any given day, certain nurses — especially the prettier ones — could be hard to find.

Until, that is, someome started walking toward the trailer.


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## Jharp (Jun 8, 2018)

GusPolinski said:


> What a dummy.




I thought so too. But she's a changed woman. I'm skeptical of women, but this one made me a believer that people can change. Her look, her attitude, her demeanor...just...everything about her. I almost didn't recognize her when he introduced her when I went to see him. Where once she was a vivacious party girl that didn't have a care in the world, now she's a very reserved, family oriented woman. She still works as a nurse but her family comes first.

Apparently she had her come to Jesus moment and it changed her. That and a lot of therapy after suffering from depression of the divorce and loss of the kids.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Jharp said:


> I thought so too. But she's a changed woman. I'm skeptical of women, but this one made me a believer that people can change. Her look, her attitude, her demeanor...just...everything about her. I almost didn't recognize her when he introduced her when I went to see him. Where once she was a vivacious party girl that didn't have a care in the world, now she's a very reserved, family oriented woman. She still works as a nurse but her family comes first.
> 
> Apparently she had her come to Jesus moment and it changed her. That and a lot of therapy after suffering from depression of the divorce and loss of the kids.


Eh... not buying it.


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## Jharp (Jun 8, 2018)

GusPolinski said:


> Eh... not buying it.



Totally understandable. I guess its one of those situations you you have to see to believe. He has an iron clad Prenup in place. She cheats or does something stupid on that level and she leaves with nothing. Extra motivation not to **** up, I guess.


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