# The Deed is Done



## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

Short post here. I met with my wife today for counseling/mediation, and I'm sorry to report the patient died on the table.

My wife went through a box of tissue, but I felt the whole thing was strangely cathartic. I left feeling better then I've felt in a longtime. I'm sorry for what will happen to our kids, but I feel optimistic about my future, and I honestly tried as hard as I could to salvage our union. The mediator also strongly favored my side for what it's worth, but he did "ding me" for lecturing too much.

When I returned to my clinic, I was teased by one of my older patient's because she "caught me smiling". She also said my coffee smelled like pancakes...how extraordinarily random. Anyway, her comment was "you never smile, I thought you had your assistant do that for you". 

I thought for a moment about that statement before answering. My first thought was how sad if that's true. My second thought was, I bet I'll be smiling more now. 

I honestly feel as though I've had an infected tooth removed. Yes it hurt, but I'm feeling a lot better now that it's through. My mind today was as clear and calm as it has been in months. I think I've finally have found some of the peace I'd been looking for. LIL


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## wren (Aug 19, 2009)

I'm glad you have found peace LIL. I always feel sad when people part ways but I believe that children benefit when they see their parents happy and healthy. All will be well, in time.


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## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

Good for you lil! I hope I get to that place someday. I read an article yesterday that said if you have no contact with them for 21 days that its kind of like a habit and you will be over it. Lol. I think Im gonna give it a whirl anyway because mon will be 21 days and its the 21st and Its my 44th bday so what the heck. Anyway congrats on your good day. Hope theres alot more smiles coming your way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I know you've done the soul searching. I know you've exhausted all avenues. It's the toughest thing to know when you are done.

I'll say a prayer for you and your family tonight. My prayer list is quite long now. 

This is just the beginning LIL. Keep posting her and use this board to vent and gather input. It has helped me tremendously.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

lastinline said:


> When I returned to my clinic, I was teased by one of my older patient's because she "caught me smiling". She also said my coffee smelled like pancakes...how extraordinarily random. Anyway, her comment was "you never smile, I thought you had your assistant do that for you".
> 
> I thought for a moment about that statement before answering. My first thought was how said if that's true. My second thought was, I bet I'll be smiling more now.


Methinks the business is going to have an upswing.

I'm glad you've finally come to a decision and are moving ahead.


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## believer (Apr 22, 2008)

thought your post might be about a house "deed". It definitely sounds like a huge burden has been lifted off your shoulders knowing now that you can move forward with the next chapter in our life & close the one before. 
As other has said, it is difficult to see a relationship come to an end and of course we all hope that it will have a happy ending. I have not read your other posts so not sure about your circumstances leading up to the divorce. 
But if you know now in your heart & your head this was the right thing then it is time to start living again!!

My husband ( soon to be X) have been living in limbo for almost 4 yrs ( now looking back at what we have been gone through ) it has been way too long. I met with the lawyer on wed. to write up the parenting plan agreement that I will submit to my husband. still need to do the financial affidavit but finally things are moving in the direction they should have years ago. 
Both he & I are ready to put this behind us & start a new. 

Hope you continue to have reason to smile each & everday.


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

Thanks for your input everyone. I apprecaite your thoughts and prayers more than you'll ever know. I feel at ease in my heart because I honestly I feel I had exhausted every avenue prior to reaching this decision. Even at the 11th hour, I offered to rescind and return to counseling if she could legitimately commit to "working" on our marriage. Her answer was she was "unsure" and needed more time to decide, but she could "live the way things are forever" Wrong answer Dear.

I met with a close friend of mine who is a bishop last night. I hadn't even set out to meet him, but there he was in my path as I was on my way to the bank. We spoke for about an hour. He was saddened to hear the news, but understood my position.

He encouraged me to actively return to church, and encouraged me to continue to pray on my decision. He quoted Corinthians, and I retorted with Proverbs. 

He shared a lot of his general experiences with me that he had encountered over his years, and then he posed the largest question of the night..."what will you do when she decides to return to you?" I hadn't given any thought to my prodigal "wife" returning, but at some point he certainly assured me she would. 

My thought was that she had her ACL put back together about three months ago, so I'll run like hell. I've always been a lot faster than her, so now she'll never catch me. No way...no how.

When I got home my wife was upset that my spirits seemed high. She lamented that I had "lectured" her at the meeting. I took her complaint instride, informing her I had told her not what she wanted to hear, but what she needed to hear. In truth I did. What I said was accurate, thought out, and fair. She mostly rambled. Thank you again TAM for allowing me the opportunity on this forum to get my thoughts and feelings in order. It served me well.

She was "pissed" I had the audacity to want to sleep in my bed last night. I assured her I felt quite safe, and that I didn't think she'd try to "grope me in my sleep". I told her we need to work on trust, and this would be as good a venue as any to begin. 

She wasn't satisfied with my answer and told me to "go sleep in my office". I told her I don't have a sleep number office, but if she wanted to she could go ahead. I promissed I'd try my best not to wake her in the morning when I got ready to go to the gym at 4 am.

I also asked her to set aside a couple hours on Saturday so we could begin the process of putting our assets and debts together for mediation. This further pissed her off. I calmly referred to her as "Hun", which further pissed her off, and I told her gently the time for fighting has passed. It really has.

I am not the shrewdest of negotiators, but I can tell when I appear to be holding most of the cards. This woman really doesn't want a divorce. She's obviously upset, too proud to ask for forgiveness, and apparently very very angry at where her life is headed. I may be a bastard, but the darker side of me enjoyed this a bit. 

I am a big believer in harmony. I love nothing more than the "soft taste of peace". I loath conflict and strife. I crave order, and sadly she's developed an appetite for chaos. She really doesn't seem to want a divorce...the problem is at this point I do. LIL


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

LIL my best and my highest regards for all you have worked for. Sometimes things can't be fixed, people can't be fixed no matter the efforts. You have done your all and a lot more than most would. The reality of it all is finally hitting your wife and it scares her. She will likely lash out at you for some time. My hopes are that you can carry the moment and see this through with the best outcome for the kids. Good luck.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

I have a controversial technique for dealing with people who can't behave in my bed. You get out of the bed yourself, and then pick up your side of the bed and slowly raise it to a 45-60 degree angle and slide the trollop gently off onto the floor. Repeat as required. I don't not sleep in my own bed if I'm not the one cheating or otherwise being a trouble maker.

Though like I say, it is controversial.


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

Thanks for the input Atholk. So what is the controversy about...whether 45 degrees is more effective than 60 degrees? I'll be sure to test both, and I'll get back to you with my raw data the next time she "acts up". LIL


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

The Bishop is right LIL. Return to church...more importantly keep reading your Bible. It will be the center of the storm. The storm is brewing believe it or not. She isn't ready and will more than likely put out the stops. She could get ugly, manipulative and/or sweet and sinister. You will need to NOT give into temptation.

Give into temptation when she is 100% in the marriage. Just my humble advice.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Oh I should add with the bed thing. If it's a play to break down sexual resistance for the night... it's really important to do it with a big smile, eye contact and lifting the bed up slow enough that she can manage to scramble at staying in the bed. You can't just whomp them onto the floor. You have to make a game of it.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

LIL,
For years you have told your wife - "I feel unloved - I need you to love me." And for years she has basically ignored your needs while enjoying the benefits of your very hard work. 

I think you showed true strength when you asked her yet again - "are you committed to working on the marriage?" And I think she was insanely honest when she said "I am not sure." 

In sickness and in health - things that are generally out of our control. For richer or poorer - in an agrarian society where weather can destroy wealth - again removing the random factor from the equation.

But there is no vow that says: "In commitment and in utter indifference to my needs, despite the fact that I am consistently and with a sincere heart fulfilling ALL your needs"

And there never will be. And there never should be. And it sure sounds like your wife doesn't even want to show you the respect of "trying" to make it work. LIL I can tell from your posts that you would have responded in a truly loving and forgiving manner to her if she had made an effort. It is sad that she feels she should simply not have to commit to any effort towards your happiness. 

I fear at some point she WILL return to you - but not because she wants to be married to you, rather because she does not wish to deal with the consequences of being not married to you. And that will not work. Both of you have to WANT to make each other happy. Only one of you has that desire. 




lastinline said:


> Thanks for your input everyone. I apprecaite your thoughts and prayers more than you'll ever know. I feel at ease in my heart because I honestly I feel I had exhausted every avenue prior to reaching this decision. Even at the 11th hour, I offered to rescind and return to counseling if she could legitimately commit to "working" on our marriage. Her answer was she was "unsure" and needed more time to decide, but she could "live the way things are forever" Wrong answer Dear.
> 
> I met with a close friend of mine who is a bishop last night. I hadn't even set out to meet him, but there he was in my path as I was on my way to the bank. We spoke for about an hour. He was saddened to hear the news, but understood my position.
> 
> ...


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

I think you are right MEM. Unfortuneately I think LIL's wife has just created so much damage by her actions that LIL just has exhausted all his intertest and attraction to her.

I really have no clue if the marriage can be saved, but if it can the path to it is by assertively heading towards divorce because her current behavior towards LIL is unacceptable. If she can turn it around and be genuine with him... he might take her back. But if she can't, then divorce is the best option for him. Either way, creating the serious consequence of impending divorce is the right route to go.

I think the greatest stumbling block to LIL is that she has never apologized to him for her behavior. In fact she's blaming him. Now it does take two to tango and no doubt LIL has some part in what she does, he's at least recognized some issues, while she accepts no responsiblity for any of her actions towards him.

Keep it up LIL. Hard times, but the right action I think.


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

Once again, I thank you for your input. We sat down last night and went over our net worth. Friggin ouch, this is the worst of all possible times to sell my house, and I'm going to get killed. 

I explained to her carefully the strong disadvantage to "lawyering up", that it just means less for either of us, less for the kids, and more for those blood thirsty legal pr*cks. 

The earnestness of my argument "won her over", and she said she'd go for mediation. Well, once I explained what mediation was, she said she'd be in favor of it. Whew.

She says she feels I will treat her fairly. She felt strongly that I wouldn't try to hide money or deceive her. I was a little surprised by this admission, not because it's inaccurate, but because it was accurate. That hasn't been her style of late.

She then went on to say some silly things like:

1) She wanted me to continue to attend Christmas and Thanksgiving dinners at her Mom's. *I can hardly wait until you start to see someone again ---, or I do. They will be just tickled pink to spend the holidays with your/my ex. That bird aint gonna fly.*

2) She couldn't possibly go back to work because the children will especially need a parent now. *Just a thought, we just pissed one parent away, so aparrently they aren't all that important. Isn't this just a work dodge?*

3) We can't tell anyone we're getting divorced when our house goes on the market, only separated. *Well, it starts with separation, but it cumulates in divorce.*

4) We could arrange to take a "family" vacation together. * Uhm, but we're not a family anymore?*

I could continue to on, but this woman plainly is not grasping the concept of marital dissolution. My bishop friend was right. She does want to come back. I can hear my "little kitty" scratching at the door.

She agreed to no dating during the process, and strict posting as to where the other is during our separation. If I was a tree, I think I would of just been "marked". I am bright enough to realize that this is her way of telling me "I'm clean now". "No cheating going on over here."

She was supposed to go to a Christmas party last night but she stayed home. "It was the wrong night". Dang, I hate day planner malfunctions. Her problem is, I'm sad to say is that she never really got good a lying, but indulges herself with it just the same.

She is moving hard towards me. No complaints with bed last night. "Come home a little later if you need to." "Don't tell the kids anything." Hell, even this morning I left a lot early than I needed to, practice doesn't begin for 3 hours yet. I just didn't want to be around her, but she said bye as I went out the door. 

She was lamenting about our youngest not listening to her. I chuckled and said "he listens to me just fine, but don't worry it gets worse." 

I need to talk to my bank today and see what happens when you are upside down on your house. I told my wife I refused a "short sale" or a "walk away". It's our debt we must honor it. Sometimes it sucks being decent. LIL


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

Thanks Mem for your input.

*But there is no vow that says: "In commitment and in utter indifference to my needs, despite the fact that I am consistently and with a sincere heart fulfilling ALL your needs"*

God, that really says it all. That's where she got crucified in our meeting on Thursday morning. I was able to counter every objection she posed by simply stating "in your opinion have I worked as hard as I could to...". She honestly answered "yes" each time, negating her own objections.

In contrast, my only complaint was with her complete lack of physical affection towards me. I layed out my timeline over the last 17+ years following the birth of our first child. I likened it to a healthy tree being subjected to a drought.

I was effectively able to describe that the tree while weakned, could sustain these stresses for a period, or seasons before finally succumbing. It was an accurate metaphor, and it illustrated my point well, because her counter-point was "if you've been unhappy for so long...why didn't you leave a long time ago?"

I then went on to explain how I provided for her and cared for her even though I didn't have any "loving feelings" towards her. I tried to explain to her that to me love is not just a feeling, it's a duty, a commitment, and actions. Unfortunately, to her love is a feeling and a whole lot of empty words.

She was "crushed" because she felt we had move a lot closer together after her surgery because " I cared for her so well." To her shock, I informed her that I don't feel any different towards her today than I did 12 weeks ago. She just had need, so I provided.

Our counselor said I have a very "unwestern" concept of love. That's sad if it's true, because I always thought of it as a Christian concept of love. 

In closing, I feel I know as why she has been less affectionate towards me. I too don't feel she cares anymore or less for me today than she has for quite sometime. I think she is trying to come to grips with the consequences of her adultery. 

Sadly, I view her as defiled and she realizes this. I have left our bedroom when she's changed in front of me. I don't touch her, and I have always touched her. I know she feels rejected by me, because I know I have rejected her.

This is something I will have to sort out in myself. The sad thing is I know I could save my marriage if I could surmount this single mental obstacle... God, though is it high. I just don't think I can accept a wife who has slept with another man.

She doesn't want me sleeping next to her, because that's all I do now is sleep next to her. I have always initiated in our marriage, and I always initiated...now nothing. I guess that sends a message. LIL


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

LIL,
You could forgive - I am as certain of that as I am that the sun will set later on today. BUT - She would have to admit to her bad acts and she would need to beg your forgiveness. And for some reason she does not wish to do this. 

And at a certain point - the combination of neglect and adultery combine to become abuse. You deserve better then that and I think she also knows that and it is making her life more difficult right now. 

I do think she is going to try to hurt you and to make you angry now as you extract yourself from this incredibly one sided marriage. And I think it is best for you to do what you have been doing which is to smile and tell her the time for fighting is past. 

If my oldest daughter were only closer to you in age - I would put her on a plane with a very large dowry and wish you both well. Unfortunately being married to my oldest child might end up simply causing you to wish you had remained in your first marriage. Ah well - she is yet 19 - perhaps over time she will become a true adult. 

In the meantime I hope you traverse the remaining rapids of your marriage without further harm. 



lastinline said:


> Thanks Mem for your input.
> 
> *But there is no vow that says: "In commitment and in utter indifference to my needs, despite the fact that I am consistently and with a sincere heart fulfilling ALL your needs"*
> 
> ...


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

First off you have come a long way and you need to look back (painful as it is) and recognize that and be proud.

God only presents obstacles to those he knows can handle it. Bittersweet huh?

Forgiveness is what keeps us from locking ourselves away. Yes, right now you have a certain "peace" about every thing but it isn't over yet, and that's not said to be a downer, but the day you forgive her is the day that you officially have let her and the situation go. But no other man or woman can help you with that. That's you and God right there.

As far as the mental obstacle you have. I have that as well, I don't think I could ever consider getting back with my H bc of his cheating, and other things. That is something that requires an honest conversation. If you forgive, you need to let it go. And I know I'm not there yet.

But again, I admire you and where you have reached right now. You did and or continuing to do, good.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Keep it up LIL.


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## betrayed81 (Dec 11, 2009)

I say make up your mind it sounds to me like your getting enjoyment out of pissin your wife off wich is dumb...if u truly know its over for you i agree with alot you said run the other way regardless if she wants it to work or not get outta there but if ur not sure than you got some serious problems down the road!


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

betrayed81 said:


> I say make up your mind it sounds to me like your getting enjoyment out of pissin your wife off wich is dumb


:iagree:

You are posting a lot about leaving which I understand 100%. Affairs are hard to overcome.. Maybe your trying to have her feel some of the pain she caused you?? I don't know just a thought. I have been following your posts..


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## betrayed81 (Dec 11, 2009)

No not tryin 2 make any 1 feel my pain just able 2 see things alot clearer than before and i wish i could make my ex feel just sum of the pain i went thru but know just here 2 help with what i went thru buddy


Loving Husband said:


> :iagree:
> 
> You are posting a lot about leaving which I understand 100%. Affairs are hard to overcome.. Maybe your trying to have her feel some of the pain she caused you?? I don't know just a thought. I have been following your posts..


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

betrayed81 said:


> I say make up your mind it sounds to me like your getting enjoyment out of pissin your wife off wich is dumb...if u truly know its over for you i agree with alot you said run the other way regardless if she wants it to work or not get outta there but if ur not sure than you got some serious problems down the road!


betrayed81, if I'm enjoying this then that's news to me. My whole friggin life has been turned upside down...I kind of resent that. For the record, I don't think she can feel the "sort of pain" she caused me. Betrayal is like acid, it has a very unique feel and leaves a distinctive scar all its own.

No, what she's feeling are consequences. At this point I may not love her, but I'd be amiss if I didn't avail her an opportunity for a little "life learning" as I head out the door. 

I have two clinics, a house, and 6 kids with this woman. I can't just pack a suitcase and head out the door. It is going to be incredibly complicated to separate myself from this woman. It is a process I don't look forward to. 

At this point, I would not characterize our relationship as "warm and friendly". Both of us our jockeying for advantage and there is some maneuvering going on between us. I would have honestly thought that would be the norm in this situation. Apparently I am wrong, so please tell me what you would have me do instead betrayed81 that wouldn't be as...how did you put it..."dumb"? LIL


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

Loving Husband said:


> :iagree:
> 
> *You are posting a lot about leaving which I understand 100%. Affairs are hard to overcome.. Maybe your trying to have her feel some of the pain she caused you?? I don't know just a thought. I have been following your posts..*




LH I'm posting a lot about leaving because I'm umm....leaving. You are right affairs are hard to overcome, that whole trust thing and all.

I could care less whether or not she feels pain, guilt, or what have you. I just feel a tremendous amount of animosity towards her for the chaos she has unleashed in all of our lives. Basically, she has trashed out the "kitchen of my existence" and now I have to put my gloves on and go and "clean it up".

Ultimately, her decision will cost her dearly. She will not enjoy the same standard of living she once did. She will not have the parental and household support she once did, and my "replacement" will be pretty lackluster in comparison. I really don't need to go out of my way to say or do anything more. I don't need to pursue vengeance LH, it's already mine. LIL


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

It's all freakin painful no matter how you look at it! 

I don't wish pain on anyone unless it is a part of the consequence. In parenting this can be called natural consequences. 

In marriage, unfortunately, the consequences are felt by not only the person but the family as well.

LIL I don't envy your gradual separation. Having a business makes this so complicated. My husband and I are still going around as our situation is complicated also. The accountant can be your best friend-I am sure you already have a good one.

Hang in there.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

I guess what I ment about posting a lot about leaving is it seems like your at the door and saying I'm leaving and siting there for hours. I believe you are and I think everybody who read your post is. What about how now?? I hear how much pain she has caused you and I can understand. Affairs are the worst thing a women can do to us. It really goes to the core. 

Well with the animosity comes anger and lots of times we get vandictive. I know my wife told me I got like that and I know it's true. When you hurt me to the core I return the favor. It's a side I don't like of myself but anger is one of the hardest emotions to control.. The "best" way to show your wife you moved on is to be calm and cool and happy. It will burn her up..

Your wife is going to step into a world and regret a lot of things but the happier you do this more she will regret it. Your right financially she is going to be killed. Her life style is ging to change a lot. Not sure if she is ready. My wife didn't have a clue and seemed to live in this fantasy land that she thought she would stay in our nice comfortable house. Took her own sister to wake her up. BTW If my wife had an affair I would also be done with her. I would look at her as being tainted.. I know it's wrong but the fact she didnt have an affair is why I fought for mine so hard. Wish you luck. I hope you find some calm..


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

LH I am "sitting at the door". I can't do anything until late spring. I have 5 kids currently in school and one of them is a senior. My plane is definitely in a "holding pattern". It's not that I am attempting to call attention to myself, it's that I'm basically "stuck". I would like to leave, but I am accountable to more than myself. My day will come however. 

I'm more interested in jockeying for financial advantage than I am in "heaping hot coals on her head". CW is right on target. Having a business screws everything up, because she has a claim in it. 

My wife is not a licensed anything, but as a spouse she has a stake in my clinics as they are assets aquired during the course of our union. Unlike my house, I can't simply "sell them off", and I can't afford to buy the bi-otch off. Can you see the problems this raises LH? 

She has agreed to mediation, but the business will likely require the intervention of a lawyer, and for what? To friggin parcel out to her shares for something she never worked a day in her life to develop. That's fair.

I haven't worked out my next play yet. My partners don't want to buy me out as they need my services as a provider. I can't buy my wife out as I don't have hundreds of thousands of dollars laying around; so LH your guess is as good as mine. From my vantage I'm "F"'d and "F"'d again, and it doesn't strategically make sense to move just for the sake of moving. LIL


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

LIL- I am not talking about physically sitting at the door. I am talking emotionally.. Your lives are so intertwined that it's going to take a long to sort out. I see lots of loans in your future. I dread to see how this sorts out for you because I think your really going to get the short end of the stick financially. Child support and most likely alimony. It's not fair but the courts like to see the male punish for ending a marriage. 

If your credit has anything left after this your most likely going to have to take out a loan to buy her off.. I don't wish to be in your shoes at this time. I wish you luck.. Hopefully you have something left after you’re done through this. This is the reason why men hate to remarry.


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

LH, if nothing I am a researcher. My wife hates this about me, because I am already familiar with alot of the various legal terms and writs. It makes her think I'm up to something, but when I don't know something, I study it until I do. It also helps that in my practice I have access to lawyers. They ask me questions, so I ask them the occasional question as well.

The alimony is a given, our marriage is considered long term e.g. in excess of 10 years and she's a SAHM among other things. Child support will depend upon custody arrangements, and I will fight for my kids. 

I will insist on the courts establishing a time frame for her to return to work "Gavon writ" I think, and I will ensure that there are no future adjustments to alimony based upon increases in my income. Her time for benefiting from my work is at an end.

Ironically, her "alleged" adultery really won't be a factor in the settlements as I understand it. [email protected], and I wanted her branded with one of those scarlet "A's". 

The first two years will be really hard, and then if my salary continues to increase as it currently is, I should be ok. By the time I'm 43 or so, I should be back in a nice house. In the interim, I'll take comfort in just having my life back.

By the way your doorway comments are very confusing LH, and yes I knew it was a "figurative" doorway. It all sucks. Here's to (MAD) mutually assured destruction. Well done wifey. LIL


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

I don't know I just get the feeling that emotionally you haven't moved forward.. We all know seperation is very hard. We are creatures of habit and now we are changing a big one. 

I see the wheels in motion to preparing for your future. That will help. It's giving you a direction.. 

This is going to be a long process and I am sure the ups and downs of your marriage are not done. Somebody will have a change of heart. I know a guy at work. He went through a rough divorce. Something like yours. Wife had a affair. They had 1 kid though. It's like they were slinging a lot of crap at each other then one would want to work it out and the other said no. Then later it would switch and then the other wouldn't. In the end they did get divorced but both realized just after it was done they shouldn't have. Now they never did get back together but it was a real roller coaster. I wish you peace in the new year. It will be hard..


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Why are you going to stay celibate during the divorce process? If I ever filed - the day after I filed I would consider myself a free man. No way would I endure MORE celibacy do to a lengthy legal process. And I wouldn't push it in her face - but nor would I try and conceal it. 




lastinline said:


> LH I am "sitting at the door". I can't do anything until late spring. I have 5 kids currently in school and one of them is a senior. My plane is definitely in a "holding pattern". It's not that I am attempting to call attention to myself, it's that I'm basically "stuck". I would like to leave, but I am accountable to more than myself. My day will come however.
> 
> I'm more interested in jockeying for financial advantage than I am in "heaping hot coals on her head". CW is right on target. Having a business screws everything up, because she has a claim in it.
> 
> ...


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

Odd question Mem11363, but I'll honor it with an answer. I'm going to stay celibate during my divorce for two reasons:

Reason one, is I'm not emotionally ready for a serious relationship, and my kids will benefit from me not being distracted even further from them. 

Reason two, I've only been with my wife and while it may sound old fashioned, I'm very particular who I'd consider sharing myself with. I am not an animal. I won't sleep with someone I don't love.

Eventually, I am sure I will find someone, but I've got some scars to heal before I'll feel comfortable climbing back in the game. Sorry ladies. LIL


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I feel like you LIL. I will honor my marriage as long as it is...then I will TRY to heal. Hopefully, down the line my scars won't be too visible.

I understand waiting until the kids are finished with school in the Spring. It will take you awhile to sort things anyway. 

I always thought that my husbands pain must have been severe. He walked away from a wife who loves him dearly (not perfect) and would do anything to restore the marriage. He also is losing half of his assets plus child support and temporary spousal. 

I would give all of our assets, today, if it would reconcile our marriage. Now, I am stuck protecting myself.

The good news, LIL, is you will always have earning power. You will recover, down the line, as you stated previously. You education, skills, and experience will never be taken away.

The bad news, LIL, is your heart will have a more difficult time in the recovery process.


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

Thanks CW for you encouraging words. It's nice to know that someone else thinks the way I do. Financially I agree, I will be fine, but money has never been a motivator for me. 

My biggest problem right now is my wife has completely shut herself off from me. I haven't even had dinner for the last two nights when I've gotten home. What's up with that? 

As per the above, she has gotten "sneaky mean". Passive aggressive crap mostly like turning on lights at night when I'm sleeping, or jostling me when she comes in late to bed. Little things that say "I don't even want you to be comfortable". 

I envy her social network. I work while she has lunch, or goes to the gym. I work while she goes out. I just friggin work period. It just friggin sucks. I feel so burned out inside. It's as if all of the responsibilities are mine alone.

My training has sucked the last few days. My heart just isn't in it. God am I lonely. Hopefully this to will pass. I need to get out of this arrangement. At this rate, I'm not going to make it to spring. LIL


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

LIL hang in there but it's most likely going to get worse before better. It's very tough seperating. Things you did on a normal basis now can't or are awkward. Is there any way of moving out?? At least you won't have to see her. I know being in the same house is horrible cause you don't know how to act and you feel like crap.. 

Focusing on your normal days is VERY tough. My job suffered and for me that means my $$$ since I am in sales.. I stick around this site to help people cause I don't want people to go through this alone. It is a very lonely place in your heart.. I also do it to remind me of where I was..


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

LIL,
She is going to relentlessly punish you for insisting that she work. She enjoys her life of leisure and does NOT want to have to answer to customers or a boss. 

If you are going to make her work - she is going to make you suffer. And she also wants to hurt you for divorcing her as she thought your commitment level was infinite even in the face of her infidelity and neglect. 




lastinline said:


> Thanks CW for you encouraging words. It's nice to know that someone else thinks the way I do. Financially I agree, I will be fine, but money has never been a motivator for me.
> 
> My biggest problem right now is my wife has completely shut herself off from me. I haven't even had dinner for the last two nights when I've gotten home. What's up with that?
> 
> ...


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

I just finished seeing my last patient, and I'm gathering up my things. I've got to stop by the bank and then I get to go home. What horrors await me there? Will there be food? 

It's been an odd day. I hope she is in an agreeable mood. If she is difficult or gone tonight, I swear I'm going to completely blow off Christmas.

Dear God please soften her heart and mine while you're at it. Here's to nothing while hoping for at least a little good will to this part of all mankind. LIL


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

At least get her a book for christmas or a cd. Nothing with a hidden message - just something she will enjoy. It is consistent with how you do things. And it is a gesture. Even if she gets you nothing - that is about HER - not about you. 

So some under twenty dollar gift that is in line with what she likes. And expect her to be ungrateful - if she isn't you will be happy. If she is - you won't be angry/hurt. And expect her to get you nothing as well. 

Remember one thing - she knows that you will come out of the divorce way way better off then she will. And she hates you for it. So even though she has made this hateful bed - be merciful as it is the Christian thing to do and you have it in you. 






lastinline said:


> I just finished seeing my last patient, and I'm gathering up my things. I've got to stop by the bank and then I get to go home. What horrors await me there? Will there be food?
> 
> It's been an odd day. I hope she is in an agreeable mood. If she is difficult or gone tonight, I swear I'm going to completely blow off Christmas.
> 
> Dear God please soften her heart and mine while you're at it. Here's to nothing while hoping for at least a little good will to this part of all mankind. LIL


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## ChimeIn (Oct 10, 2009)

LIL I wanted to share an idea I heard about... from a Family Court Judge in Oklahoma. You mentioned that you will lose money if you sell your home, and you aren't willing to do a short sale. Well, another option is to give the house to your children.

I read about this during a nasty divorce proceeding that was going on... both parents fighting for the kids and the house. I believe they had 5 kids under the age of 16... and neither parent was willing to be the one to move out. So the judge kicked them BOTH out. He said the kids were going to keep their house, their rooms, their backyard and their toys. Both mom & dad moved into respective apartments. Mom moved "back in" from Sunday AM till Wednesday AM and Dad moved "back in" from Wednesday after school till Saturday PM or something like that. 

The point is, if it would make the transition easier for your kids, and save you money, perhaps you could try something like this. Talk to a Real Estate Attorney... perhaps you could put a time frame on it (at least 2 years before anyone can sell the house) and the profit of the home will go to your kids.

Just an idea... everyone hates to see the kids lives disrupted because the parents are getting divorced.

Good Luck.


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

Sorry Mem, I don't think I'll be going by Borders today to pick up that book. I've already given her everything that I have that has any value, and you can tell from my posts how well she's cared for it. 

What an emotional friggin rollercoaster. Monday and Tuesday I was really flat, yesterday I came back around, and today I slept in until 6 and feel edgy as "F". 

Too bad there's not practice today. I could use about 30 minutes of solid contact to burn through this aggression. Oh well, you'll have to do kickbag. Today will not be a good day to d*ck with the ol' Doc. LIL


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

ChimeIn, I appreciate your advice, but what my kids are going to loose is a parent. The judge is wrong. He may place a greater value on rooms, and backyards, and toys but he's wrong.

On some days my kids will loose a mother. They will loose the compassion, caring, and nurturing that she provides. On other days they will loose a father. They will loose the wisdom, direction, and strength that I provide. 

In short everyday they will loose some facet of humanity that they will desperately need to grow, and I can't imagine that blow will be softened appreciably by the fact that they get to stay in their rooms. 

King Solomon he's not. In my opinion what the judge did was little more than a gimmick to garner some media attention. This fish isn't biting. LIL


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

LIL, if you continue to look at everything for your kids as a loss, then they will lose. It's scary to read what you say each parent provides, in a way--both parents can and should be providing all those things, not just one set. The reality is, when only one parent is in the house, that parent has the option of stepping up to the plate and being a better parent.

My relationship with my kids is unchanged, except that I have more energy for them since I"m not "on call 24/7." Their relationship with their father has improved, b/c they must rely on him and he has no one else to dump his responsibilities on. He spends more time and does a LOT more for the kids than ever before. 

I strongly recommend you consider nesting (kids in one place, parents go back and forth). We rented one apartment and "share" it although not at the same time, of course, and this is not a permanent solution, but it allows for a slower transition for the kids and means we do NOT have to put the house on the market until we choose to. 

You are still angry and unbending and convinced there is only one way to understand things. As an MD, you probably know something about CBT and how our thinking affects the way we feel and react to things. Almost nothing in our lives is truly "fixed" as an unchangeable reality. Our perceptions are under our control. As a practitioner of TKD, you probably have been exposed to Eastern philosophies. Buddhism offers a number of ideas and strategies for helping you bend without breaking; I'd recommend exploring it more. It is not inconsistent with Christianity--you can be a Christian with the same beliefs while practicing Buddhism as a philosophy of life, not a matter of faith. 

I have seen little understanding of your wife in your posts and such severe judgment--you are angry and I understand that. Your children, however, need you to get beyond anger in practice and for you to be working toward acceptance. It might help to view your wife as human, someone who has made mistakes (as you have), who did not set out to ruin your life. A marital breakdown involves 2 people. She thought she was doing what YOU wanted, and when you didn't respond as she expected, she reacted poorly. It's obvious you did, too. You withdrew into anger and blame. So did she--and when each of you allowed too much time to pass, the resentment became overwhelming. This is what happens. No one designed or intended it. She is not the evil person you depict. If you can learn to feel some compassion, see things from her point of view, perhaps your anger will diminish and you can find some peace. Good luck and God bless.


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

I hear what you are saying sisters359. I realize I am capable of nurturing and compassion, I do it on a daily basis as part of my profession. It just isn't as refined in me or as natural for me as it is for my wife. Likewise, she has not developed some of the traits I mentioned to the level that I have. 

Can I fix a car? I guess I could change a tire, or "do a brake job", however that doesn't make me a mechanic. Men and women are equal, but for the most part they are also quite different. To say otherwise is folly.

I commend you for making the best of a bad situation. I am sure you are a great single mom, but you'll never convince me the best environment for a child isn't an intact home with two loving parents.

I am a believer in cognitive therapy, as your thoughts do indeed shape your percpetions. I have even recommended it a time or two in my posts. For the record, I have never said or believed that my wife is evil. If you got that perception, you inferred it. Go back and check your pathways from stimuli to emotion, somethings amiss. 

I am angry though because this whole thing is friggin stupid and senseless. No one wins. I can see it, but she can't. She is very irrational right now, and she can't coherently think things through. I know this because I have spoken to her a great deal, and she is convinced her life is going to be "so much better" alone. 

The reality is she will be poorer, she will have less time, she will have less support, and she will have less stability in her life, as will our kids.

Everyday we have the option of "stepping up" and being a better person, parent, worker etc. It shouldn't have to take a life altering event to provide a catalyst for this change. just the will to improve. 

You referenced TKD sisters359. The Korean's revere pine trees, and they are our symbol through the 1st 9 color belts. The Koreans value pines because they are strong. They reach up to the sky by fighting through the other trees, and their roots run as far down as the tree extends up, giving them balance. 

Yes, pine trees are strong because they are anchored by their roots. I am strong because I am anchored by my values. I will survive the winter. My tree will remain on the mountainside sisters359. 

My wife's tree however is already showing signs of toppling, but she will not allow me to "stake it up" with God or me. I am afraid she is not a pine. She will not do nearly as well without me as she thinks, and neither will my younger kids. LIL


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

Horrible holiday. I felt it was a setback on every front. If possible I feel even farther away from my wife than I did before. At this point, I am contemplating moving up our timetable for divorce.

I need her to contribute, and she just won't step up. She is still talking about me needing to "leave the clinic" as a condition of our staying together.

I'm sorry, but I see this as nothing more than a feeble attempt to free up assets for a more lucrative divorce settlement. Isn't trust a beautiful thing. The sad thing was that not too long ago I would have did this for her had she asked. Affairs cloud everything.

I miss the way my life used to be. LIL


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

So tell me this lil.. What is better.. A divorce where you have to give half or to sell out and chnage jobs?? What would hurt more?? Make a list of the pros and cons of each move. I said it before your wife must know what's going to happen if you are no longer at the clinic.. How can she expect to live a lifestyle without the income?? Still a relationship has to be mutually satisfying for each of you and if not it must end. She obviously isn't happy with the current situation enough to walk away from it.. So question is what do you want lil??


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

My name is on two leases. If either clinic fails I'm "F"'d financially. I can't make more money anywhere else, and money is her big "hot button" issue. Her request just isn't well thought out. It's purely emotional.

To be honest, I would love to walk away from either clinic and her. I feel in both my business and in my personal relationships I have given away far more than I receive in return.

I am not satisfied with either of my relationships. As for my wife, I've largely started to "check out" from the relationship. I've stopped doing much of anything at home. Nothing makes the b*tch happy. She is no nicer to me if I do a lot or a little, so I guess she has taught me learned helplessness. Way to improve your lot dear.

LIL


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

LIL: You may not be up to it, at this point, but this is a suggestion.

Try not focusing on your wife. I know incredibly difficult. 

Don't react to her. Don't analyze. Don't fret. If you can't be around her than walk away and get busy with someone else (kid) or something else.

The time that you spend reacting to her is tearing you up. At this point, you have tried everything else. Why not just accept her as she is NOW. No expectations. 

Be kind and patient but don't cater. I was able to do this for months and I am still like this a week from my divorce. It makes ME feel better that I am doing the right thing even though my husband is selfish and cowardly. 

It is no longer my problem. It's his. I'd suggest you making it your wifes problem.


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