# Need advice. My wife of 12 years cheated on me and now I hate myself.



## Russells_Teapot (Oct 3, 2011)

I'm going to try to keep this as short as possible. I've been married to my wife for a little over 12 years. We have 2 children together (8 and 11) and I also have one from a previous relationship (17) that I have full custody of. About 8 weeks ago my wife admitted to me that she had been having an "affair" with another man for the last year and a half. During our subsequent conversations she has referred to her relationship with this guy as an affair, an obsession and being-in-lust. I also learned that all her friends knew about this guy. She kept pictures of him on her phone and frequently bragged about the relationship to them.

At first she only admitted to me sexting, sending and receiving naked pictures and having graphic sex talk with him. As I pressed harder, she admitted that they met a total of 3 times and engaged in what she describes as "groping". She denies they had sex, but does admit that it got very physical every time they met; i.e. lots of grinding, rubbing, squeezing, etc.

The thing that's killing me is this: I'm a 41 year old, fairly successful, kind, funny, good looking nerd and a great dad. I've never been "insecure" per se. However, the guy she had this relationship with is a 28 year old, tan, muscle-headed beach volleyball player. He could be a ****ing model. Although she has assured me that she has completely broken all ties to this person, since I found out about this, my insecurity has been at an all time high. My wife is gorgeous and everyone has always joked about how I "married up", but now I'm constantly stuck in self-loathing mode. I feel ugly, i feel emotionally and physically unattractive and disgusting. I feel like, even though she says she's chosen me over him, that it's not true. I feel like I'm not really the person she wants. I have nightmares every night about them together and I wake up feeling so incredibly inferior and deflated.

I want to stay with her, and she says that I'm the one she wants to be with, but everything's different now and I don't know how to not feel ****ty all the time. It's not only hard to look her in the eye, it's also hard to look in the mirror anymore.

Has anyone been in this situation before? What can I do to move past this?

tl;dr My wife of 12 years cheated on me with a 28 year old hunk for a year and a half and now I constantly feel like ****.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

The OM could look like a troll and your confidence would still be shot.

It's natural for betrayed spouses to feel, "What's wrong with me?" or "What did I do?" or "How could have I done better?" or "Is the OM better looking than me or better in bed?", etc etc


Please know- This is NOT your fault in any way, shape or form. This is all on her. The real question you should be asking yourself is if you really can go on through the marriage without getting true remorse from your wife. It doesn't sound like she is being completely honest for starters.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You are going to need therapy. You are also going to need to impose serious consequences on her for her heinous actions.

Do not believe her that this is over, do not believe her that there haven't been others, and do not believe her that she won't do it again.

Get keyloogers on computers, VARs in cars and where she will call him, and spyware on her phone.

Why did she suddenly come clean? Is it so she can divorce you or is it that she has so little respect for you that she thinks she can cheat without consequence?

Don't feel insecure, you should be feeling rage and anger. She doesn't sound like she has any remorse at all. Without remorse you can't move on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

The OMs are either better looking and you feel inferior or they are uglier and you feel how could she trade down. Time to even the playing field. First off, if anyone told me I married up, I would definitely tell that person. "Yeah but I'm faithful" Next you need to get into counseling, now. Next did you out the affair to family and friends? If not, that could be some of the reason your so down. I wonder if you are feeling because of your response. If you guys rug sweep her betrayal, it could end up destroying any chance for reconciliation. Please explain all the measures you have taken to defend your manhood. Not your marriage. Because without the one there is no sense in working on the other.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Not only did she carry on for a year and a half, she bragged about it. You should seriously the motivations for wanting to reconcile with her. Sounds consistent with your self-loathing. Sounds like someone who actually believes that he married out of his league. Understanding is the key to beginning the process of recovering. If she believes this also, then you have to consider that these feelings of entitlement might not go away just because she got caught and wants the security of her marriage.

There are many women out there who would love and cherish a guy like you. I'd encourage you to tell her how it makes you feel. If she doesn't go through a tremendous amount of effort to show you that you are better than the other guy she has bragging about for a couple of years, then maybe it will tell you where you really stand.


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## Whip Morgan (May 26, 2011)

A man I once knew told me he knew to divorce his wife when it dawned on him that through her affair she made hi the Plan B, thefallback option. She tried the I am choosing you bit. Pointless. She already chose him on the wedding day. I can't imagine how painful this is for you.

Don't buy they didn't have sex. That's trickle truth.
She didnt confess to yu because she truly regrets it - someone caught her and treatened to tell you. She walked around proud and bragging about her OM - someone definitely caught her.and this craziness about her choosing you - it is NOT a compliment, especially from an adulteress.

The woman you married and love is gone - the woman she is now isn't who you married. My friend once said something similar, which also helped him realize it's time to move on. Whatever yu decide , please seek therapy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

I am very sorry you are here in one way, but in another you have done well to find this site. You will get lots of advice here and see harsh words. Listen to what is being said by everyone.

Your trust and love has been abused for 18 months. An affair is humiliating at the best of times but to have her boast to her friends and treat you like that is truly dreadful.

PLEASE try and stand back from this and look at this person who is your wife. Look at what she has done to you. 

Get in to IC [Individual Counseling ] and explore your self and why you are putting up with it.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

I can surely empathize with you. That sucks. Since you are not going to D, you have no choice but to suck it up, I guess. Obviously your relationship with your W from this point on will be profoundly different. Trust issue is one thing, but you know she craves a better looking hunk, which means she is not all that attracted to you sexually. Try consoling yourself with the fact that you are at least better than him when all other attributes are considered together and that's why she is still with you.

I don't mean to add insult to the injury, but I must point out that your W claiming she did not have sex with him is total bs. You know that, right? She is pretty, and she was so into him that she bragged about him to all her friends behind your back and had his picture in her phone all the time. And, the relationship lasted 1 1/2 yrs!!! Come on! She had sex with him many many times. This must be hard to accept, but I want you to know the truth.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

so sorry you are here...I am 5 months out and it is just the beginning of the ride . What you feel now will be changing like the wind... we all know quite well , it is now so different ... sorry 

~sammy


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Here is one beautiful thing that you have and she doesn't : you have been faithful to your marriage and she is now just another cheater. Oh, and if she really wants to R, then each and every friend who knew about the affair and did nothing, must go out of you wife's life. They knew and did nothing. 

If I were you ,I would see a lawyer start the divorce proceedings and tell your cheating wife that she has 180 days to convince you to keep her, or you WILL sign the final papers.

And yes the had sex, lots of it. Pretty boys don't stay with older women unless they are getting it. Btw, check your finances and see if she was depending money on him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I am very sorry for you. You realize of course that she is lying to you about not having sex with the guy. She continues to lie to you. You both need to be tested for STD's.

I would suggest seeing an attorney to understand your options. A year and a half sexual affair with her bragging to her friends should be a deal breaker for you. She may be beautiful on the outside but seems quite ugly on the inside. You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions speak volumes. If the roles were reversed do you think she would be so accepting as you have been?

It is clear by her actions that she has no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Russell I see you are online still and reading this thread, why don't you give us more details about what is being done by both your wife and you to heal and repair the marriage(if anything)?

also-

is she being completely transparent? is she giving you passwords to her accounts and allowing you to look at her phone, bills and emails and social websites and chat access? Are you verifying everything with keyloggers and spy tech?

Has she written a "no contact" letter to the OM stating she will no longer contact him and that he should stop trying to contact her. Has she stated that she will ignore any contact from him and tell you about it right away?

Is the OM married or have a girlfriend? Did you expose him to her if he does?


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> "And yes they had sex, lots of it. Pretty boys don't stay with older women unless they are getting it. "
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



....Nor older women stay with pretty boys !!!

((It's Just a joke !!))


~sammy


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

Russel,

It is normal to feel the way you do...It is a normal reaction to the situation you find yourself in. Without knowing the details of how your wife is acting after she told you...it's hard to give you some advice. Yet...here are some harsh truths about the situation as I see it:

1. She had sex with that guy. The quicker you realize this the better. 

2. She is still in the affair...doesn't matter if she told you it is over.

3. She needs to own 100% of the affair before you can move forward.

4. You should not trust anything your wife tells you...confirm everything. EVERYTHING..emails, phone calls, text, chat rooms, miles on the car...everything.

5. The affair is not your fault. NOT ONE SINGLE BIT OF IT.

6. Her friends are toxic enablers and should not be allowed in your home...and your wife needs to have no contact with them. They knew the whole time and said nothing? They have no honor and are a negative force in your marriage. 


7. Real remorse must be shown (by your wife) before any thoughts of recovery can be entertained.

Look, she put you in a real tough spot..that's for sure. You sound like a guy that values your family and wants to work it out...this is good. Be prepared for a long ride. It will most likely get worse before it gets better. Gather your strength. *Take care of yourself first and foremost before you even attempt to engage in recovery talks with your wife.* Right now you are at your most vulnerable state and more likely to acquiesce to her stupidity. Just realize this and try to hold firm to yourself and the honor that you bring to the marriage.

Be prepared to walk away...It sounds like you don't want a divorce...which is fine. Just don't be afraid to take the next step if your hand is being forced.

Sometimes you have to walk away from your wayward before they will understand just what they have done.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

I'm sorry to make you feel worse but here's the rub.

Dude, she, more than likely slept with this guys several times. She's giving you the "trickle truth". The one thing about cheaters is that if their mouths are moving, they're lying. I mean, let's look at it.

First, it was sexting and photo exchange. Then it was meeting up on three occassion for heavy groping, BUT NO SEX HAPPENED....yeah...right... They were sexually charging each other for a while with the pictures and the sexting that when they actually met up...no sex happened? He's seen naked pics of her, and she was comfortable enough to send them to him..but yet, when they actually got together, she wasn't comfortable enough to go all the way? Dude, you are not getting the whole story here.

She's only going to tell you the bare minimum of what actually happened to make it sound like it isn't as bad as what it truely is. And each time you find out something new, it will tear into you and moves you back to square one and any progress you've made to try and reconcile gets thrown out the window.

You need to find out the ENTIRE truth and you need to get yourself checked out for any possible STD's.


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## StrangerThanFiction (Jul 19, 2011)

Whip Morgan said:


> A man I once knew told me he knew to divorce his wife when it dawned on him that through her affair she made hi the Plan B, thefallback option. She tried the I am choosing you bit. Pointless. She already chose him on the wedding day. I can't imagine how painful this is for you.
> 
> Don't buy they didn't have sex. That's trickle truth.
> She didnt confess to yu because she truly regrets it - someone caught her and treatened to tell you. She walked around proud and bragging about her OM - someone definitely caught her.and this craziness about her choosing you - it is NOT a compliment, especially from an adulteress.
> ...



Hard but true.

My first question reading the original post was Why do you think she volunteered information about the affair???


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Russells_Teapot said:


> I'm going to try to keep this as short as possible. I've been married to my wife for a little over 12 years. We have 2 children together (8 and 11) and I also have one from a previous relationship (17) that I have full custody of. *About 8 weeks ago my wife admitted to me that she had been having an "affair" with another man for the last year and a half*. During our subsequent conversations she has referred to her relationship with this guy as an affair, an obsession and being-in-lust. I also learned that all her friends knew about this guy. She kept pictures of him on her phone and frequently bragged about the relationship to them.
> 
> At first she only admitted to me sexting, sending and receiving naked pictures and having graphic sex talk with him. As I pressed harder, she admitted that they met a total of 3 times and engaged in what she describes as "groping". She denies they had sex, but does admit that it got very physical every time they met; i.e. lots of grinding, rubbing, squeezing, etc.
> 
> ...



1 1/2 years without sex? Unlikely. The young man probably dumped her and moved on. Especially so, since you said he "could be a ****ing model". There are a lot more younger, firmer and prettier women out there than your wife for him to test drive.

You say your wife is gorgeous. But that beauty is only skin deep (as they say) and may not last long for her now given her age. She has shown her inner self, and it's not pretty.

So it seems you are her backup or consolation choice for now.

Once she is capable of betrayal, the next time will be easier for her.

I suggest that you should get tested for all the STDs.

I also suggest that you prepare to protect yourself financially and legally, just in case later you decide to move on.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Sorry, your wife is not gorgeous dude. As aug mentioned, her inner self is anything but. She may be easy on the eyes, But she is ugly.

What jumps out about your story has nothing to do with the affair, that happens. A lot. People are people they make mistakes, life happens.

What jumps out is the fact that her friends were aware of this affair, she "bragged" about it and she carried around "trophy" pics of him? 

I can't even begin to explain how disgusting that is and on how many levels.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Russells_Teapot said:


> At first she only admitted to me sexting, sending and receiving naked pictures and having graphic sex talk with him. As I pressed harder, she admitted that they met a total of 3 times and engaged in what she describes as "groping". *She denies they had sex*, but does admit that it got very physical every time they met; i.e. lots of grinding, rubbing, squeezing, etc.


She is engaging in what is called trickled truth. She's afraid that if she reveals to you the whole truth, that she engaged in full blown sex with the POSOM (piece of sh!t other man) you will divorce her. 



> I want to stay with her


Why? Out of love? Out of fear of being single again at 41? Out of fear of not seeing your children on a daily basis?

I'm not going to lie to you and tell you that divorce is not painful. But living in a marriage where an affair is swept under the rug can be more painful. If you don't believe me, then just read the sad story of a man who has been living with the pain of his wife's betrayal 16 years after it happened *16 years dealing with the hurt*.



> and she says that I'm the one she wants to be with


Why? Out of fear that POSOM will not supply her with the financial security she has enjoyed with you? We know this much, it is not because she loves you otherwise she would have not allowed her attraction for POSOM as a hall pass to cheat on you.

You want to feel better? Start manning up. Click on *No More Mr Nice Guy* and download a free copy of Dr Robert Glover's ebook. Also come here for advice and emotional support. And lastly, *calmly, quietly and respectfully* inform your wife that until further notice, the marriage is on probation. This in and of itself will show her that her betrayal has consequences and that you are not afraid to end the marriage.Also read the links provided by forum moderator Deejo from the Men's Clubhouse, on his stickie thread titled *The Man Up and Nice Guy Reference*

*You have to conquer your fear of losing your wife. If you don't then you will become a shell of a man whom your wife will not only find unattractive but weak, pathetic and deserving of being cheated on. Your call.*


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

morituri said:


> She is engaging in what is called trickled truth. She's afraid that if she reveals to you the whole truth, that she engaged in full blown sex with the POSOM (piece of sh!t other man) you will divorce her.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


You are getting such incredible advice from everyone here. We've all been here in one way or another. One thing I would like to add.

Read up on the 180, and start implementing it now. One thing you just can't do right now is seem weak, begging and pleading. You can hate yourself on these boards and pour your heart out here, but don't do that to your wife. You need to implement a hard 180 now. In short, this means take care of yourself, don't chase your wife, show her you are capable of moving on happily without her. This may or may not make you more attractive to her. More likely it will. No gorgeous woman who goes for a muscle guy is wanting a weak husband. So show her your strength. Go to the gym, see your buddies. Be loving to your kids but just stay "business-like friendly" with your wife.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

A truly gorgeous woman would never allow ANY man to treat her like a cheap wh0re.


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## DevastatedDad (Oct 2, 2012)

Russells_Teapot said:


> I'm going to try to keep this as short as possible. I've been married to my wife for a little over 12 years. We have 2 children together (8 and 11) and I also have one from a previous relationship (17) that I have full custody of. About 8 weeks ago my wife admitted to me that she had been having an "affair" with another man for the last year and a half. During our subsequent conversations she has referred to her relationship with this guy as an affair, an obsession and being-in-lust. I also learned that all her friends knew about this guy. She kept pictures of him on her phone and frequently bragged about the relationship to them.
> 
> At first she only admitted to me sexting, sending and receiving naked pictures and having graphic sex talk with him. As I pressed harder, she admitted that they met a total of 3 times and engaged in what she describes as "groping". She denies they had sex, but does admit that it got very physical every time they met; i.e. lots of grinding, rubbing, squeezing, etc.
> 
> ...



You and I have identical stories man.
I just shared mine:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/57247-she-cheated-i-hate-my-life.html


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

I don't know what there is to salvage here. Get some ic for ptsd.This is NOT your fault! Bythe way call those "friends" and give them a piece of your mind argh!


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Russells_Teapot said:


> but now I'm constantly stuck in self-loathing mode. I feel ugly, i feel emotionally and physically unattractive and disgusting. I feel like, even though she says she's chosen me over him, that it's not true. I feel like I'm not really the person she wants. I have nightmares every night about them together and I wake up feeling so incredibly inferior and deflated.
> 
> .


Your wife is shallow. Even the fact that she chose someone so much younger shows that she is only concerned about looks. 

There are plenty of women in the world who would take a nice faithful guy over a hunk any day. 

Your wife may be pretty on the outside but she sounds ugly on the inside. 

You may not feel as if you are as good looking as this supposed hunk (which is always in the eye of the beholder) but you are beautiful on the inside because you were a good faithful husband. 

Think about that when you are looking in the mirror.


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## DevastatedDad (Oct 2, 2012)

DevistatedDad said:


> You and I have identical stories man.
> I just shared mine:
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/57247-she-cheated-i-hate-my-life.html


Let me apologize. I skimmed it at first. Just went back and saw a year and a half. Not the same but similar. 

I am sorry for what you are going through.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Zombie thread over a year old!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

the guy said:


> Zombie thread over a year old!!!!!!!!!!!!


Arggggh! Gotta' remember to check those thread dates. 

Thanks, guy


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

the guy said:


> Zombie thread over a year old!!!!!!!!!!!!


Well, let's just hope the poor guy either managed to reconcile or moved on.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

Sara8 said:


> Arggggh! * Gotta' remember to check those thread dates. * could be a good idea
> 
> Thanks, guy


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Let's start with BEAUTY IS ONLY SKIN DEEP

The POS, she groped with, and it is very possible they had sex, and not just groped, but let us say she only groped why do you think that is----maybe his allegedly hot body, doesn't have much in the way of a sex tool, maybe all he had was a body---and his brain, doesn't back up his body, as in he is dumber than sh*t----who knows anything---only your so called wife can give you those answers

Let's go next to your wife who ain't so beautiful---in fact she looks more and more like an ugly piece of crap, ---for doing what she did to you

A truly beautiful woman, who does have looks, and brains, and class---would not do this to an innocent, loving, hard working H---so get your F*ing wife off of the pedastel you have her on, and treat her at the level she belongs at---that being a woman of low class, who has basically become somewhat of a ***** and a ****---that is what your wife REALLY is

I am not going any further right now---everyone else ,can give you all the advice you need---all I wanted to do, was to get these misconceptions that you have in re: your lowlife wife, and her scum POS lover.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Let me join all the rest of us, who fail to look at dates---but my diatribe stands for any who think they are not good enuff---BASED ON LOOKS

Life is a whole lot more than looks


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## Rihanna (Jun 5, 2012)

I don't know for sure what happened but it doesn't sound good. From what I read, you sound like a catch. I know you want to be with the mother of your kids but she isn't putting them first either and that is bad for them.

Use your anger to work on yourself and plan on a divorce. You don't have to do it but that is probably the only way she can begin to conceive of the devastation she has caused. At this stage you don't even know the toll this will take on you. Don't fight with her. Don't engage with her. Just take care of you. Take good care of yourself and your kids. She needs to be begging you to stay with her.

I don't know if focus energy into an investigation is the best idea. It is going to draw out what separating and planning a divorce can make happen. Either she is remorseful when faced with it or she isn't. She already betrayed you so much. You really don't need to know more details.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)




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