# Does the status of the other guy matter?



## moeman (Aug 12, 2010)

One thing that bothers me the most about my wife's relationship affair is that the OEM (I am not sure about this acronym but I think it means the guy that she had the relationship with) was a low level worker (like a servant) in her father's house. I think it would not have bothered me as much if the OEM was a man of status or something like that. I believe my feelings of humility would have been much less that way. Sometimes I think my poor wife fell for a srevant, and other times say how miserable I am that she picked a servant for her relationship. What is your opinion?

M.


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## yogachick (Aug 9, 2010)

Maybe she doesn't want to be dominated and controlled but wants to be viewed as an equal partner....I don't know, just guessing. The question is what does this guy have that you don't? ....and there may be no answer.......some people are just crazy 

Good luck with this!


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## BigB (Jul 4, 2010)

No, it does not. I agree with Yoga's assessment that your wife was looking for an equal relationship. Your posts make me feel I am living in pre-independence India where the issue of untouchability was still alive. 

So, your wife thought for a brief moment that life with a driver would be better than life with you. This should not humiliate you but make you introspect. Leave your ego out of the equation. What would you have thought if the man was a sixty year old millionaire? You would be humiliated by the fact that your wife chose someone so old ahead of you and what if he was uglier then you?

The fact that he paled you in comparison even with his humble background should make you look deep inside yourself and try to find what you did wrong. Stop focusing on the OM and start focusing on your behavior with your wife and her needs. By the way, has your wife confessed to the affair? What reason did she give for the affair?


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## Sadara (Jul 27, 2010)

Who the other person is and their status doesn't matter. No matter what, the infidelity itself is what is making you question. You are questioning yourself, her and the situation. It's as simple as that. Nothing excuses the infidelity. You can only try to figure out what pushed your partner to that place and try and fix that.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

mohmdyamin said:


> One thing that bothers me the most about my wife's relationship affair is that the OEM (I am not sure about this acronym but I think it means the guy that she had the relationship with) was a low level worker (like a servant) in her father's house. I think it would not have bothered me as much if the OEM was a man of status or something like that. I believe my feelings of humility would have been much less that way. Sometimes I think my poor wife fell for a srevant, and other times say how miserable I am that she picked a servant for her relationship. What is your opinion?


First, just so you know, the acronym is OM and it stands for Other Man. It would be OW for Other Woman if a husband had an affair, and you can say OP for Other Person to keep it gender neutral if you want. 

Second, I think it is probably wise to point out that in the USA if a spouse has an affair, it is somewhat different than in some other countries. Here in the USA a spouse might feel some personal humiliation or loss of pride if their spouse has an affair, and it does affect the families and relatives, but it's not as tied to the OP's station in life. For example, in the USA if an executive's wife has an affair with her gym trainer or her masseuse, there would be no lack of dignity for the executive EXCEPT the personal loss that his wife was unfaithful. Now I'm not saying that we don't have a misconception that when people have affairs, they "trade up" because even though that is usually *FAR* from the truth...we still like to imagine that! It's just that I think the USA has more personal loss of dignity, whereas some other cultures the impact would be magnified if the wife not only had an affair, but also had it with an "underling." 

Thus, viewing your question in that light, I believe there are cultures where the status of the other guy is relevant. If the husband was a bread truck driver and she had an affair with the mayor, it would be some humiliation for the husband but at least she "traded up" and there might be less loss of dignity. But if she had an affair with a garbage truck driver, it not only is personally humiliating, it's a loss of dignity to her family-children, and to the rest of her family, and to the husband and his family because she would do something so low and with someone "beneath her." 

It's my understanding though that no matter what the culture, that affairs happen for similar reasons--namely that the couple in the marriage gradually stop doing the kind, loving, intimate things for each other and gradually allow bills, schedules, and fights to tear them apart. Then enter the OP, a person who is kind, listens and is understanding to how they feel...and even if it's someone "beneath them" the disloyal feels better and an affair is started.


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