# changing family name 11 years later



## Hguy72

wife and I have been married 11 years one daughter. One thing I always thought we should have done was take my wives' name was because one she really is the decision maker and in charge of this family (I make the money) and I deal with enough stress and she's good with handling finances, and plans out days for us which for most men they are not ok with but I am. Also she only has sister's and her family name will eventually die off (mine will live one). When we got married she was against it, we did the traditional thing and took my last name. But now she seems way more accepting of it (after a long conversation on she is really in charge and pointing out facts on how we do what she wants) but looking at how much it will cost to change all three of our last names in our state is a big turn off. Any advice? Yes I'm in a female led marriage, I like sports, drinking beer, going to the range to shoot, hang out with my friends.... but I respect the hell out of my wife and realize she makes a better leader then me for this family.


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## Diana7

Just keep the name you gave


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## Hguy72

Why's that if you don't mind asking?


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## Andy1001

Hguy72 said:


> Why's that if you don't mind asking?


Have you a habit of creating problems where none exist?
Are are you trying to appease your wife in some way?
Either way your obsequiousness borders on the sycopanthic.


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## SunCMars

You have already given up so much. Do not give your wife a bigger head than she already has. 

It does not take long for nice guys to be relegated to getting scraps. 

You sound a tad lazy, methinks.


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## EveningThoughts

Well that's great for you, that you are happy in a flr, but I can't tell from your posting whether this is your wife's idea or yours?

You mention a long conversation in which it is pointed out that she is really in charge, and facts on how you do what she wants.
But was that you persuading her of her leadership role? Rather than her telling you.

I'm only wondering, as it might be more your desires than your wife's here.
It feels to me that if your wife was leading she would make the final decision here with regard to the surname.

I didn't give up my surname for all the reasons you point out above. But my children have the surname of my husband.
It sounds like you have a child here (as you say: all three of us).
Changing their surname might not be what they want.

While you are waiting why don't you use your wife's surname on all none official documentation for now.
There must be areas where a surname is only a formality rather than a legal requirement.
That way you can start signing off as Mr _ _ _ _ , or Mrs & Mr _ _ _ _ _  and get a taste of the feeling this would give you.


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## Diana7

Hguy72 said:


> Why's that if you don't mind asking?


Because there s no point in changing it. What would it achieve?


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## sokillme

What is the point of this post? You seem to be fine with this so save the money and change the names.


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## Hguy72

Andy1001 said:


> Have you a habit of creating problems where none exist?
> Are are you trying to appease your wife in some way?
> Either way your obsequiousness borders on the sycopanthic.


Had to look up that word never heard of it, appease my wife? Not really she still seemed hesitant on the idea but has come around. I gain nothing except the grief from other men who will tell me im letting a women run my life haha. I'm ok with that, she's smarter then me. But appreciate the feedback. Also again she only has sisters who both took their husband's last name and their family bloodline will die off and I do feel closer to her side of the family as well.


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## Hguy72

SunCMars said:


> You have already given up so much. Do not give your wife a bigger head than she already has.
> 
> It does not take long for nice guys to be relegated to getting scraps.
> 
> You sound a tad lazy, methinks.


My wife has given me so much as well, I'm not lazy actually im the breadwinner and she's the stay at home mom and I prefer it stay that way. Its just that I think it would be best for family dynamics wise if it was official if were officially "mr and mrs her first and last name" and does make almost all the decisions which im fine with also she only has sisters who have taken their husband's last names so their family name would die off. I do love her but she was opposed b4 marriage and even then I was worried about the reaction we would get by telling people we made this decision. Ty 4 the advice


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## Hguy72

sokillme said:


> What is the point of this post? You seem to be fine with this so save the money and change the names.


Lots in court fees but yea probably should ty 4 the advice.


Diana7 said:


> Because there s no point in changing it. What would it achieve?


Keep her family name going among other things ty 4 the advice


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## Torninhalf

I’m so confused. 😂


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## sokillme

Torninhalf said:


> I’m so confused. 😂


Dude's wife is king of the castle. They want to change their family surname to her fathers surname. Response from the board? shrug...


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## Beach123

It’s a technicality that you are making a big deal about - when it isn’t a big deal.

Treat your wife right - she won’t notice who’s name you all use.

Why do you keep reminding us that YOU make the money? Do you do that to your wife? It’s not cool and has nothing to do with what you posted about (possible name change).


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## DudeInProgress

I wasn’t sure if this post was serious or not, looks like maybe it is though I’m still not 100% convinced. OP, you do you. If this situation is working for you, good luck, wish you the best.

That being said, you don’t seem to have any understanding of the treacherous situation you’re in. The VAST majority of women do not want to be the leader in their marriage, that’s your job. And most women who find themselves leading in their marriage become extremely resentful over it. They almost always lose respect for their husband if he’s not leading. And when they lose respect, they lose attraction and things tend to spiral downhill very quickly from there. Even women who think they want to be the leader usually end up lacking or losing respect for their husband. And it’s extremely unlikely that your wife just happens to be a special anomalous unicorn to whom the above doesn’t apply.

You’re not just bucking societal norms and being progressive or whatever. You are trying to defy evolutionarily psychology and basic human intersexual dynamics. This almost always ends badly.

Besides all that, you seem almost pathologically supplicating and submissive to your wife. Again, live your life as you see fit - just understand that it comes across as extremely unattractive to the vast majority of men AND women. There’s no virtue or dignity in it.


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## UndecidedinNY

If your wife isn't excited about it, then why? If she suggests it, go for it, but why waste money for no reason? Your kids will have to have a new name too and already have names, so ask them too. This isn't really a big deal except that she's hesitant, so I wouldn't push her.


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## OnTheRocks

*WTF**.* How old are you two? Has woke culture gotten to this point now?


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## Muse57

Why not just start using her last name on all your subscriptions, etc. Then you will get a feel for how it is without going to the expense of legally changing your names. Give a one year trial run and see how you feel. If you wife is truly in charge of the marriage and relationship, then it makes sense that you would be using her name. It's a sign of your respect and status in the marriage...


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## EleGirl

Zombie thread. Closing it.


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