# Married only because it feels safe. Help!



## tnredd (Jun 13, 2010)

Here's the recap. Me (27 yrs old) and my wife (24 yrs old) have been married for 4 years and together for 6. She was my first and only. She had been with other people. During my dating stages I would look at a girl after the first date and If i couldn't see myself with her for the rest of my life I wouldn't even consider a second date. During the engagement process we met with counselors and realized we didn't really have much in common, but we didnt' think much of it at the time. 4 years later I find myself going to movies by myself, along with many other things. The only thing We have in common is TV...that's pathetic. I find myself looking back wishing I would have dated more, fooled around more. Me and her really have NOTHING in common.

A new lady started working at the same place as me and we talk. Nothing sexual or anything at all like that and i'm actually not attracted to her at all but we have soooo much in common and I just find myself wondering surely there is someone out there that is a better fit for me.

Here is the problem I face. I truly want out. It's not fair to her or myself. We both want kids but I don't want to bring kids into a situation where there is so much doubt. I truly believe I would have filed for divorce a few years ago but the main reason I don't file is because I would lose my job because of a divorce. I make pretty good money 50K. I know that's not great money but for someone with no college and no great experience at anything. I only stay because it feels safe financially. I came for a poor home and to be where i'm at now feels like such an accomplishment. At 27 i have accomplished more than my parents ever did.

So do i stay and be miserable. Do I leave and risk losing my job, house, and being forced to start my life completely over?


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## DoYouWoo (Jul 19, 2011)

Hi. Have you tried anything to bring you both closer together? Your relationship sounds a lot like mine became after a couple of years of just 'letting it happen' - we just grew apart. Then we sat down and agreed we were headed for a break-up and made a decision to intentionally try to get to know one another all over again over the period of a few weeks - dates, games nights - stupid stuff, but we learnt to spend time together again. It's been a year now and things have worked out well. I hear you re. TV - it's so easy to just sit on the sofa watching the same thing and feel like you're spending time together, we did the same. Anyway, just my 2 cents, but actively trying to find out about one another again and finding things you enjoy doing together worked out for me.

Take care,
Chris


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## gonefishin (Oct 7, 2011)

Couple things. 

Why do you think you would loose your job? I can not believe you have nothing in common with your wife. There is so much you can put on the table. Outdoor hobbies, sports, politics, charity work, gardening and on and on. Based your post it sounds like you and your wife did not go to college. Take some time with your wife and take a college course together. Getting a degree is not my point. My point is it will open your eyes, there is so much out there to do. If you love your wife you will put more effort into your marriage.

You have to be honest with yourself and stop making excuses. Why did you marry your wife? Does your wife work? 

Have you discussed this with your wife? Your wife also has a vested interest in making this marriage work.

You can not run away from your commitments. Life is a choice, make it work.


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## tnredd (Jun 13, 2010)

We have talked and talked about changing. That's all it ever is, is talk. There is nothing and i mean nothing we have in common. I bend to do some of the things she likes but never vice versa. I got to chick flicks with her all the time. She tells me to go by myself to an action or horror flick. I workout all the time, I always ask her to go with me and perhaps go swiming or something. She says no. I play disc golf and ask if she want to go with me to at least walk the course and talk perhaps. She passes. We both work a 9-5 Monday-Friday. I don't need as much sleep as her....so i'm up till midnight or later. She's in bed by 830-9. I just feel so alone all the time. I just feel like i need a friend that is my wife.


I work for a non-profit christian based organization. That is why i fear that a divorce would result in me loosing my job.


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## gonefishin (Oct 7, 2011)

Well look at it this way. I am also a Christian, a Catholic.

However, I also know life is short. So put your life first, job second.

I hate to say this but your wife needs some tough love. Let her know how your feel. Let her know you love her but, you expect improvements in the marriage or you will move on.

If she loves you, she will listen. Make the improvements small. Do not make a long laundry list.

You sound like a young guy. Do not be a wimp about this or you will be sorry.


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