# Wife or 3 weeks caught in a bad lie



## raulph

I just found out that a guy my new wife works with was once a fling, we have been together for 3 years and we just got married a month ago, 
I have asked her if there was anything between her and this guy before because of the way he acts when I am around, she always says no I have never had anything to do with him, she swore. Ive asked her more than on one occasion during our time together and she aways says no. 
the night before our wedding her friend made a comment about something and I kinda put two and two together and 3 weeks later asked her again and once more she denied it, then she said they just went out and it meant nothing, then I kept asking and she finally admitted they slept together when they were drunk.
They work alone together at night in a hospital same room. Should I be pissed, I mean she lied to me her husband and she continued to lie, I even asked her on the night before our wedding if there was anything she wanted to tell me and of course she said no.

Who wouldn't be upset about this.

I understand the past is the past but This is not part of her past when she is still seeing this guy at work and textin and calling him.

Im not sure if I can get passed this. I hate liars, the first month of marriage and this comes out, it should of came out before we were married she had plenty of time to come clean.

What would you do?

I should mention they did the deed over 5 years ago. so she says


----------



## bryanp

If this is not a deal breaker then I don't know what is. She clearly has no problem lying to your face time and time again about an ex-lover. This is after only 3 weeks being married.
I think you should contact an attorney about an annulment.
I do not see how you could ever have any trust in her whatsoever. She destroyed this marriage and not you. Good luck.


----------



## badcompany

raulph said:


> They work alone together at night in a hospital same room.


Ugh.
It's probably not just the one time. Can you say trickle truth?
Don't trust anything that comes out of her mouth, you are living a lie.
Only weeks into marriage? Annul and get out!
You want to be walking on eggshells all the time, wondering if your future kids are yours......?


----------



## hibiscus

I would react the same as you. Why hide the fact that she slept with him??? She lied to you. Why???
Lies create doubts. Let her know that. I personally would tell her how it's made you feel mistrusting towards her and she needs to understand that a marriage is about being a team.

Have a long talk about it and find out why she lied. It's important to know


----------



## Hoosier

She is still calling him and texting him? WOW. I don't think you are overreacting at all.  With out being married you experienced "trickle truth" that's when as you go on you find out more and more about a relationship. People with more experience and smarts than I will give you some great advice here. Your best bet is to listen to what they say and act! As for me, first thing I would do is insist that she change jobs...that would be the minimum. Good luck.


----------



## Cosmos

You have every reason to be upset about her denying that there had been anything between them. However, I would be more alarmed that they are texting and calling one other outside of work. She needs to be told very firmly that this needs to stop immediately, and any contact between them must be work related only.

How feasible is it for your W to have her transferred to another department?


----------



## hibiscus

She probably didn't want to worry you as it meant nothing to her. But she needs to know that honesty is the only way forward


----------



## bryanp

If the roles were reversed would she accept such humiliation and disrespect from you being involved with another former lover like this? Of course not. If you do not respect yourself then who will?


----------



## hereinthemidwest

So sorry to hear this. Why wouldn't she admit it before NOW? I would be piss. HELL YES I would be. One month into marriage dear God. I just don't get people. Is her coworker married? Reason I feel this way, why aren't they together? 

I no I should offering advice and moral support. Here a time your GUT was right and you believed her. I'm sooo sorry you have to WONDER DAILY. You have the right to be upset. What sucks now the trust is broken. So hard to get it back.


----------



## nogutsnoglory

hibiscus said:


> She probably didn't want to worry you as it meant nothing to her. But she needs I know that honesty is the only way forward


I believe you to be terribly wrong here. If it meant nothing it would not have been hidden. If it meant nothing she wouldnt be willing to risk the integritity of her marriage to cover it up
She lied because he nailed her, and won't commit to a relationship or is alreadyin one and she is his side ***** and she wants her cake and eat it too. You are being played.


----------



## mablenc

I think there is a lot more to what she has admitted. 

Helpful thread: 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html


----------



## raulph

"You are right I did lie and I should have been honest. I didn't lie to get what I wanted. I lied out of fear. The fear of being judged, of losing you and being a disappointment" --this is part of a email I recived this morning after leaving the house without saying a word to her.
and they dont call or text alot just ocasoinally and it is usally work related, he just had a kid with another woman and they are getting married.


----------



## lordmayhem

This is just the tip of the iceberg. In addition to the above, I would employ a VAR and computer monitoring software. Or I would have her change jobs. The red flags here are they are allegedly past lovers, she lied about their relationship, they work closely together alone, he acts weird around you, AND she continues to call and text him.


----------



## tom67

How can you ever trust her after all the lies cut the cord on this one sorry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tom67

lordmayhem said:


> This is just the tip of the iceberg. In addition to the above, I would employ a VAR and computer monitoring software. Or I would have her change jobs. The red flags here are they are allegedly past lovers, she lied about their relationship, they work closely together alone, he acts weird around you, AND she continues to call and text him.


Put a pen var in her purse and one in the car.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## hereinthemidwest

So he does have another oblication. Kid and soon to be wife. Bet your wife hates her! Seek attorney. Sounds like it was physical and still is emotional. Sad for you.


----------



## raulph

what is a pen var?


----------



## tom67

voice activated recorder
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tom67

she has to quit the job and you threaten her with a polygraph test then see her reaction.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## raulph

Thing is I am pissed that she lied but it was along time ago and she had a bf for five years after their one nighter and I know he dated her roomate but what pisses me off is why did she lie she says cause she didnt want me to judge her but wtf, and who knows mby the bf before me found out and blew up about it, and thats why
I dont know Im just shocked


----------



## Tobyboy

She's still lying.....threaten a poly or you divorce her. That should get some more of the truth, but not all. Prepare yourself for the other shoe to drop!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Anuvia

raulph said:


> I just found out that a guy my new wife works with was once a fling, we have been together for 3 years and we just got married a month ago,
> I have asked her if there was anything between her and this guy before because of the way he acts when I am around, she always says no I have never had anything to do with him, she swore. Ive asked her more than on one occasion during our time together and she aways says no.
> the night before our wedding her friend made a comment about something and I kinda put two and two together and 3 weeks later asked her again and once more she denied it, then she said they just went out and it meant nothing, then I kept asking and she finally admitted they slept together when they were drunk.
> They work alone together at night in a hospital same room. Should I be pissed, I mean she lied to me her husband and she continued to lie, I even asked her on the night before our wedding if there was anything she wanted to tell me and of course she said no.
> 
> Who wouldn't be upset about this.
> 
> I understand the past is the past but This is not part of her past when she is still seeing this guy at work and textin and calling him.
> 
> Im not sure if I can get passed this. I hate liars, the first month of marriage and this comes out, it should of came out before we were married she had plenty of time to come clean.
> 
> What would you do?
> 
> I should mention they did the deed over 5 years ago. so she says


Get the marriage annulled. She's likely still screwing him. If it was just a fling why is he still around?


----------



## ironman

raulph said:


> and they dont call or text alot just ocasoinally and it is usally work related, he just had a kid with another woman and they are getting married.


How can you believe any of this? At the very least she is a proven liar. Maybe he is getting married ... but they work together and are intimately familiar with each other. There is absolutely nothing to stop them for having another go other than her word that she won't .. the word of a liar. Seeing a theme here?

You should be heading straight for annulment. Thanking your lucky stars you caught this early. At least that is what I would do. If on the other hand you can tolerate this type of dis-respect and humiliation from her, then at the very least she needs to quit that job ... AS OF YESTERDAY! Also, she is never to speak to that guy ever again. If she calls or emails him for "closure" ... dump her immediately.


----------



## CASE_Sensitive

Sorry, I'm confused...she slept with him while you were a couple or not?

I understand, no matter what the answer, I would not want my spouse working alongside someone they slept with.


----------



## raulph

CASE_Sensitive said:


> Sorry, I'm confused...she slept with him while you were a couple or not?
> 
> I understand, no matter what the answer, I would not want my spouse working alongside someone they slept with.


no it was way before me.. like 5-6 years


----------



## bandit.45

raulph said:


> "You are right I did lie and I should have been honest. I didn't lie to get what I wanted. I lied out of fear. The fear of being judged, of losing you and being a disappointment" --this is part of a email I recived this morning after leaving the house without saying a word to her.
> and they dont call or text alot just ocasoinally and it is usally work related, he just had a kid with another woman and they are getting married.


Doesn't matter. Ex lovers have no place in a marriage. Tell her she either quits the job and cuts all contact with him or its over. Go on your county website and download the annulment forms from the Court web page. Fill them out and let her see you do so. You don't need a lawyer. Just pay the fees.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## movin on

Do some more diggin. My bet is it was more than a one nighter
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tom67

raulph said:


> no it was way before me.. like 5-6 years


Find a way to let his gf/future wife know just say you don't have much proof but the way your wife hid it and is still working with him and you thought it would be the right thing to do and have a nice day. I think tonight go out with the boys and hit a motel just text her will see you sat. let her wonder.


----------



## norajane

raulph said:


> we have been together for 3 years and we just got married a month ago,
> 
> I should mention they did the deed over 5 years ago. so she says





raulph said:


> Thing is I am pissed that she lied but it was along time ago and *she had a bf for five years after their one nighter*


I'm confused on the timeline as what you've posted seems contradictory.

- She had her one nighter with this guy over 5 years ago, maybe 6.

- You've been together for 3 years and just got married.

- But you say she also dated a guy for 5 years after the one nighter with the guy from work.

Were you dating her at the same time she was dating the 5-year boyfriend?


----------



## tom67

raulph said:


> Thing is I am pissed that she lied but it was along time ago and she had a bf for five years after their one nighter and I know he dated her roomate but what pisses me off is why did she lie she says cause she didnt want me to judge her but wtf, and who knows mby the bf before me found out and blew up about it, and thats why
> I dont know Im just shocked


You could be right on the money with that.


----------



## ironman

movin on said:


> Do some more diggin. My bet is it was more than a one nighter
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh yeah ... no friggin' way it was "only 1 time" .. cheaters always say that once they are caught. It's their way of attempting to minimize the crime in their spouse's mind.

Even though in this case it was before marriage, she is still attempting to minimize it so her husband won't be upset over the fact they still work together .. a lot.


----------



## raulph

norajane said:


> I'm confused on the timeline as what you've posted seems contradictory.
> 
> - She had her one nighter with this guy over 5 years ago, maybe 6.
> 
> - You've been together for 3 years and just got married.
> 
> - But you say she also dated a guy for 5 years after the one nighter with the guy from work.
> 
> Were you dating her at the same time she was dating the 5-year boyfriend?


Sorry no pissed at work typing and working, she had a bf before me for 5 yrs and he was before him,, we have been together the last 3 years. just trying to state the fact that he was way before me..


----------



## Cosmos

raulph said:


> "You are right I did lie and I should have been honest. I didn't lie to get what I wanted. I lied out of fear. The fear of being judged, of losing you and being a disappointment" --this is part of a email I recived this morning after leaving the house without saying a word to her.
> and they dont call or text alot just ocasoinally and it is usally work related, he just had a kid with another woman and they are getting married.



She did lie to get what she wanted. She thought that if she told the truth you mightn't marry her. As for being judged, she is being judged on her lie, not her fling before you two getting together. 

It could well be that them sleeping together was a one off and meant absolutely nothing to her, and she thought that telling you might cause some awkwardness because she works with him. But you did have a right to know, OP.


----------



## ironman

Raulph,

You really need to get to the bottom of WHY she hid this from you .. even after your insistent asking her about it.

My guess, the only one that makes sense to me anyway, is that she still harbors feelings for this guy in some way shape or form.

PS: on 2nd thought .. it could be because she just "likes him" and wants to continue working there .. still unacceptable, though.


----------



## hereinthemidwest

Do you really truly believe it was five years ago? Hope you don't fall for that. Reach out to his soon to be wife.  See if she knew and hows she's dealing with it. WATCH them BOTH sing and dance.


----------



## TRy

raulph said:


> the night before our wedding her friend made a comment about something and I kinda put two and two together


 The fact that she told others and not you is very troubling. Your wife, the other man (OM), and her friends conspired to keep it a secret from you. At its core a marriage is suppose to be about you and your spouse as a single team on the inside, with the rest of the world on the outside. In this case she, the OM, and her friends were on the inside to this secret, with you as the only person not suppose to know the secret on the outside. Your wife does not understand what marraige is all about.



raulph said:


> she finally admitted they slept together when they were drunk.


 She lied. She is still lying. Trickle truth is admitting only what you have to admit and lying about everything else. When confronted they always say that it happened only one time and that they were drunk. If this were true, why would she have lied about it all this time? Why would her friends know? Why would she tell her friends not to tell you?

She lied because the romantic relationship with the OM was more extensive than she has told you so far. She lied because even if it was just once (which it is not), she knows that you would reasonably be expected to ask her to end all contact with the OM (even if means that she changes jobs), and she values keeping the OM in her life more than she values honesty to you.

Tell her to get another job and to end all contact with the OM. Tell her that in addition to this, you want the whole truth now about how extensive the relationship was, as it would be very bad to learn anything more later that she does not tell you now. Do not give her time to think about it. Tell her that her not immediately committing to your requests, will be taken by you as not saying yes and treated accordingly with divorce or annulment.


----------



## WhatWhere

How is she a cheater?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## harrybrown

Have you talked to your family and her family about this? Exposing helps not to try to end her spending time with her friend. I would tell her she gets to take a lie detector test.


----------



## TRy

WhatWhere said:


> How is she a cheater?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 Now that the OP knows for a fact that she is a liar, they do not beleive that it was only one time, 5 years ago while drunk. Many beleive that she was romantically active with the other man (OM) after she was suppose to be in an exclusive relationship with the OP, which is why she lied in the first place. If this is true, then she cheated.


----------



## carmen ohio

raulph said:


> I just found out that a guy my new wife works with was once a fling, we have been together for 3 years and we just got married a month ago,
> I have asked her if there was anything between her and this guy before because of the way he acts when I am around, she always says no I have never had anything to do with him, she swore. Ive asked her more than on one occasion during our time together and she aways says no.
> the night before our wedding her friend made a comment about something and I kinda put two and two together and 3 weeks later asked her again and once more she denied it, then she said they just went out and it meant nothing, then I kept asking and she finally admitted they slept together when they were drunk.
> They work alone together at night in a hospital same room. Should I be pissed, I mean she lied to me her husband and she continued to lie, I even asked her on the night before our wedding if there was anything she wanted to tell me and of course she said no.
> 
> Who wouldn't be upset about this.
> 
> I understand the past is the past but This is not part of her past when she is still seeing this guy at work and textin and calling him.
> 
> Im not sure if I can get passed this. I hate liars, the first month of marriage and this comes out, it should of came out before we were married she had plenty of time to come clean.
> 
> What would you do?
> 
> I should mention they did the deed over 5 years ago. so she says


Dear raulph,

Let's cut to the chase.

There is only one good explanation for why your WW lied to you about the OM. Because she didn't want you to put a stop to her seeing him. And why would that be? Because she has "feelings" for him (this at the very least). And where does that leave you? Married to a dishonest woman who has feelings for another man.

Can your marriage be saved? Possibly, if she becomes truly remorseful, starts being totally honest with you, agrees to IC and MC, and does a whole lot more over the next couple of years at least to regain your trust. Of course, in the meantime, you will suffer a huge loss of self-esteem, will have to monitor her constantly and will always be wondering what she is doing when you are not with her.

If the two of you had been married for a long time and/or had kids together, this might all be worth it. But you've been married for less than a month and have no children.

So do the numbers: years of effort that may or may not result in a happy marriage vs moving on and looking for someone that is honest with and really loves you.

It's your life. Pick one.


P.S.: If you agree to try to R with her, you must insist that she get a new job and never see or communicate with the OM again.

P.P.S.: Do not have children with this woman until you are absolutely sure that she can be an honest and faithful W. That means no family for years to come.


----------



## raulph

TRy said:


> Now that the OP knows for a fact that she is a liar, they do not beleive that it was only one time, 5 years ago while drunk. Many beleive that she was romantically active with the other man (OM) after she was suppose to be in an exclusive relationship with the OP, which is why she lied in the first place. If this is true, then she cheated.


I dont think she cheated on me but wtf I didnt think she would lie either


----------



## raulph

carmen ohio said:


> Dear raulph,
> 
> Let's cut to the chase.
> 
> There is only one good explanation for why your WW lied to you about the OM. Because she didn't want you to put a stop to her seeing him. And why would that be? Because she has "feelings" for him (this at the very least). And where does that leave you? Married to a dishonest woman who has feelings for another man.
> 
> Can your marriage be saved? Possibly, if she becomes truly remorseful, starts being totally honest with you, agrees to IC and MC, and does a whole lot more over the next couple of years at least to regain your trust. Of course, in the meantime, you will suffer a huge loss of self-esteem, will have to monitor her constantly and will always be wondering what she is doing when you are not with her.
> 
> If the two of you had been married for a long time and/or had kids together, this might all be worth it. But you've been married for less than a month and have no children.
> 
> So do the numbers: years of effort that may or may not result in a happy marriage vs moving on and looking for someone that is honest with and really loves you.
> 
> It's your life. Pick one.
> 
> 
> P.S.: If you agree to try to R with her, you must insist that she get a new job and never see or communicate with the OM again.
> 
> P.P.S.: Do not have children with this woman until you are absolutely sure that she can be an honest and faithful W. That means no family for years to come.


Lol pick one...we both have kids from previous relationships I have a 13yr old and she has a 5yr old, im 43 shes 31, 
'but your right I have alot to think about, kinda need a drink right now....


----------



## tom67

raulph said:


> Lol pick one...we both have kids from previous relationships I have a 13yr old and she has a 5yr old, im 43 shes 31,
> 'but your right I have alot to think about, kinda need a drink right now....


Whoa... ok well if you want to give it a go she looks for another job and you polygraph her otherwise you will always be wondering if she's getting a quickie in the office.


----------



## BobSimmons

raulph said:


> *my new wife works with*
> *They work alone together at night in a hospital same room.*


So they still work together, and alone?


----------



## tom67

When you talk to her cool, calm, and to the point no emotion or yelling. You can't control her but you can control what you will put up with. If you find out more let the omw know and don't tell your w.


----------



## raulph

tom67 said:


> Whoa... ok well if you want to give it a go she looks for another job and you polygraph her otherwise you will always be wondering if she's getting a quickie in the office.


I know and it wont work out, the thought will always be there,
Im not going to make a rash emotional decision Im going to drink and clear my head and figure out what I want to do, and if I decide to end it Im going to get all my **** in order first, 
I checked the county website but couldnt find an annulment form So I will have to go down there hope they are open tomorrow morning, Im not going home tonight Im going to find somewhere else to stay.


----------



## tom67

raulph said:


> I know and it wont work out, the thought will always be there,
> Im not going to make a rash emotional decision Im going to drink and clear my head and figure out what I want to do, and if I decide to end it Im going to get all my **** in order first,
> I checked the county website but couldnt find an annulment form So I will have to go down there hope they are open tomorrow morning, Im not going home tonight Im going to find somewhere else to stay.


Good idea clear you head. Sorry man.


----------



## raulph

tom67 said:


> Good idea clear you head. Sorry man.


Thanks


----------



## southernsurf

Stop don't blow this out of proportion. Its probably just like she said - long time ago, didn't mean anything and would go away and figured it would just piss you off. I think you need to slow down. If you knew would you still have married her?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Fozzy

I don't think it's time to head for the courthouse just yet, but there are SERIOUS red flags here. I think you should make it crystal clear that the trickle-truthing has already put her credibility in doubt and needs to end, as does any contact with this guy immediately. Give her a chance to come clean on anything else and put a stop to any contact with him, but make it clear the consequences if she doesn't. MC might not be a bad idea after that. My 2 cents.


----------



## Mavash.

I don't know she's working alone at night with a former lover and lied about it despite being asked repeatedly for the truth.

Looks bad from my vantage point.

It's repairable but the guy and the job have to go.


----------



## tom67

Mavash. said:


> I don't know she's working alone at night with a former lover and lied about it despite being asked repeatedly for the truth.
> 
> Looks bad from my vantage point.
> 
> It's repairable but the guy and the job have to go.


Exactly why keep it hidden, take your time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LoveAtDaisys

On the one hand...it was 5 years ago, man. I haven't told my husband about every man I've ever slept with or had a crush on. Not because I've cheated on him (never have), but because it doesn't matter to me. If he asks, I'll tell.

On the other hand...she wasn't immediately truthful, she works in close quarters with him, and she's being incredibly defensive.

It could just be a really, really bad situation. If she works in a hospital, she probably works shift hours. This could be as simple as her asking to change shifts or not work on the same shift as him. See what her reaction to that proposition is.

Otherwise, everyone else is right. Annulments are so much easier and less hassle than a divorce.


----------



## bandit.45

raulph said:


> Lol pick one...we both have kids from previous relationships I have a 13yr old and she has a 5yr old, im 43 shes 31,
> 'but your right I have alot to think about, kinda need a drink right now....


Shes 31. She's not some wet-behind-the-ears college girl without a clue. She is a grown woman who conspired with others to keep her dirty little secret from you, and the only way you found out the truth was to literally pry it out of her, and then you probably only got 10% of the truth at best. 

Is this really the way you want to start off your marriage?

I could not think of a worse portent than if an owl and a black cat had sex on top of a broke mirror under a ladder on Friday the 13th.


----------



## bandit.45

raulph said:


> I know and it wont work out, the thought will always be there,
> Im not going to make a rash emotional decision Im going to drink and clear my head and figure out what I want to do, and if I decide to end it Im going to get all my **** in order first,
> I checked the county website but couldnt find an annulment form So I will have to go down there hope they are open tomorrow morning, Im not going home tonight Im going to find somewhere else to stay.


The clerk of the court should have them. You'll have to pay filing fees and the fee for the recorder. It is cheaper and faster than a lawyer.


----------



## tom67

bandit.45 said:


> The clerk of the court should have them. You'll have to pay filing fees and the fee for the recorder. It is cheaper and faster than a lawyer.


I doubt they will be open on Saturday though.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bandit.45

tom67 said:


> I doubt they will be open on Saturday though.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oop! yeah, good catch.


----------



## southernsurf

I don't know,somethings missing, is there more you want to tell? Why so fast did you meet someone?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tom67

bandit.45 said:


> Oop! yeah, good catch.


It's okay he can still get info online.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## alte Dame

Some of this doesn't add up:

- If it was so long ago, then what is there for you to be 'judgmental' about? Why would you really care? Why would she think that you'd care?

- You said that you've been suspicious because of the way the OM acts around you. How does he act?

I think there is way more to their story than you have gotten. Definitely trickle truth. She's still lying, in my opinion.


----------



## seasalt

Raulph,

Slow down. Act in haste repent at leisure. Bandit .45 is right previous lovers have no place in a relationship but there is no, or you have provided no, indication that she is still connected to this man.

I think that any person that knowingly subjects their loved one to the presence of a previous lover without letting them be aware of the history is being the ultimate in disrespectfulness.

Has she tried to introduce you into her previous boyfriend's presence? He was around for five years does she maintain a relationship with him?

I would suggest that you have a heart-to-heart with her telling her that you expect her respect and she should, without providing details, at least let you know if the fellow your shaking hands with has had those hands on her before.

Good luck,

Seasalt


----------



## bandit.45

If this guy meant nothing to her, and it was just a one-off, then why is she fighting tooth and nail not to reveal the extent of her relationship with him?

Why, if he meant nothing to her, did she feel compelled to repeatedly lie to OP every time he asked her about this guy and whether they had sex? If he meant nothin why not just come out and freely admit it the first time? 

Why, if he meant nothing to her, did she not try to get moved to a different shift or find a new job? Lab techs are in high demand, they can get jobs all over. 

If it were me, I would feel weird working alongside someone that I had a night of naughty sex with, but didn't care about. I would try to arrange to not work with them anymore. 

His wife is the one who is hiding things. She is the one who turned this into a big deal.


----------



## tom67

bandit.45 said:


> If this guy meant nothing to her, and it was just a one-off, then why is she fighting tooth and nail not to reveal the extent of her relationship with him?
> 
> Why, if he meant nothing to her, did she feel compelled to repeatedly lie to OP every time he asked her about this guy and whether they had sex? If he meant nothin why not just come out and freely admit it the first time?
> 
> Why, if he meant nothing to her, did she not try to get moved to a different shift or find a new job? Lab techs are in high demand, they can get jobs all over.
> 
> If it were me, I would feel weird working alongside someone that I had a night of naughty sex with, but didn't care about. I would try to arrange to not work with them anymore.
> 
> His wife is the one who is hiding things. She is the one who turned this into a big deal.


:iagree:


----------



## LonelyinLove

Whoa...slow down there boys.

You do not know if this woman is still messing around or not. Maybe she was embarrassed that she had a drunken one night stand and was ashamed to admit it. I sure would be.

She should be honest, yes, but this was the past, the loooong past. Maybe she was afraid of her H's reaction.

Raulph, do some digging, talk to her....it might not be the drama you are afraid it is.

One of my husbands friends came on to me 3 weeks before our wedding....asking for a kiss, a hug, telling me he wished he had met me before H did...alcohol was involved...I brushed him off and never told my husband. I didn't want to ruin a friendship over the actions of a drunk. I'm not sure the friend even remembered it the next day. BTW, that was 35 years ago....we're still married and hubs and the friend remained friends until the friend passed away.


----------



## bandit.45

LonelyinLove said:


> Whoa...slow down there boys.
> 
> You do not know if this woman is still messing around or not. Maybe she was embarrassed that she had a drunken one night stand and was ashamed to admit it. I sure would be.
> 
> She should be honest, yes, but this was the past, the loooong past. Maybe she was afraid of her H's reaction.
> 
> Raulph, do some digging, talk to her....it might not be the drama you are afraid it is.
> 
> One of my husbands friends came on to me 3 weeks before our wedding....asking for a kiss, a hug, telling me he wished he had met me before H did...alcohol was involved...I brushed him off and never told my husband. I didn't want to ruin a friendship over the actions of a drunk. I'm not sure the friend even remembered it the next day. BTW, that was 35 years ago....we're still married and hubs and the friend remained friends until the friend passed away.


Again....it was the lying about it, when her husband repeatedly asked her for the truth, before and after the wedding, not the sex itself.

You are missing the point.


----------



## tom67

bandit.45 said:


> Again....it was the lying about it, when her husband repeatedly asked her for the truth, befiore and after the wedding, not the sex itself.
> 
> You are missing the point.


Now he is thinking what else is she lying about. I agree he should take his time this is a big decision.


----------



## bandit.45

It's too damn early in this marriage for this poor guy to have to be dealing with this garbage. They are still on their honeymoon, and she's spending all her time trying to keep that pile of bones in her closet from spilling out all over the bedroom floor. 

Lousy way to start a marriage.


----------



## hookares

OP needs to decide just how much trust he requires of his wife.
There has to be a reason she tried to conceal this relationship from him and if he doesn't like her reason, then he's in for a dreary marriage should he decide to stay with her.
(one more reason I wouldn't consider marriage, again)


----------



## Catherine602

Concealing a sexual relationship with a friend means she is pretending to be someone she is not. 

This is a woman you don't know and you may not have decided to marry a liar, possibly a cheater and a person with poor judgement and empathy for you.

Her friend knows the real her. In essence, her relationship with him is more authentic and intimate than yours because he knows the real her and they are conspirators. 

She protected the relationship with him and they helped each other to conceal it from you. You are the odd man out. Why didn't she pursue a relationship with this man if they are such good friends? 

I am confused on the timing. was she with her bf of 5 yrs when this took place? If she cheated on the bf of 5 yrs, did she conceal it from him or did the relationship end because of this. If not, Why did they split? 

Did the OM cheated on a gf at the time. Was your wife hoping he would leave gf and marry her?

I don't think you know enough yet if you are not sure about the timing and weather she cheated. 

Under what circumstances did you meet her? Has the relationship been passionate and is it still so?


----------



## Catherine602

More questions, did you meet the gf of the other man? Did your wife meet her?


----------



## RClawson

OP,

Speaking from personal experience and trying to muddle through it for 27 years I would strongly encourage you to move on.


----------



## 6301

raulph said:


> I know and it wont work out, the thought will always be there,
> Im not going to make a rash emotional decision Im going to drink and clear my head and figure out what I want to do, and if I decide to end it Im going to get all my **** in order first,
> I checked the county website but couldnt find an annulment form So I will have to go down there hope they are open tomorrow morning, Im not going home tonight Im going to find somewhere else to stay.


 You said your going to go out, drink and clear your head. Yeah right. Want a clear head? Don't drink. Remember your wife said that's how she had sex with him because they were drunk. So much for a clear head. 

The sad part of this whole story is that her sleeping with this guy was 5 or 6 years ago. If she would have just had the spine to say to Raulph that yes we slept together but it was long before we met, he wouldn't be on this forum and probably let it rest and not going through all this grief. Sorry Man. I feel for you.


----------



## badbane

I think we are jumping the gun here. It is time to start really digging for evidence. We only know she lied. That could be because she was worried she would have to quit her job. Lets a get more info. I would also make sure that she and the OM cut contact. Have you gone through the phone?

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


----------



## TRy

raulph said:


> Im not going to make a rash emotional decision Im going to drink and clear my head and figure out what I want to do


 Drinking and not making a "a rash emotional decision" do not mix. Many posters make the mistake of drinking too much at a time that they need to have 100% clarity. If you drink at all, please keep it very light.


----------



## Chaparral

LonelyinLove said:


> Whoa...slow down there boys.
> 
> You do not know if this woman is still messing around or not. Maybe she was embarrassed that she had a drunken one night stand and was ashamed to admit it. I sure would be.
> 
> She should be honest, yes, but this was the past, the loooong past. Maybe she was afraid of her H's reaction.
> 
> Raulph, do some digging, talk to her....it might not be the drama you are afraid it is.
> 
> One of my husbands friends came on to me 3 weeks before our wedding....asking for a kiss, a hug, telling me he wished he had met me before H did...alcohol was involved...I brushed him off and never told my husband. I didn't want to ruin a friendship over the actions of a drunk. I'm not sure the friend even remembered it the next day. BTW, that was 35 years ago....we're still married and hubs and the friend remained friends until the friend passed away.


I think the biggest red flag is not the cheating but the vibe the other man repeatedly gave off that made you continually suspect and question your wife. That has never happened in my life. I and others I have known have had one night stands with other people, nothing has been said and no one feels guilty or acts funny.

His acting weird about a ons years ago is just not right. That alone warrants a poly and no contact even without the lying.


----------



## tom67

Chaparral said:


> I think the biggest red flag is not the cheating but the vibe the other man repeatedly gave off that made you continually suspect and question your wife. That has never happened in my life. I and others I have known have had one night stands with other people, nothing has been said and no one feels guilty or acts funny.
> 
> His acting weird about a ons years ago is just not right. That alone warrants a poly and no contact even without the lying.


That got my attention too op made it a point that he noticed. Not good and this must have happened more than one occasion.


----------



## raulph

Well I am home now and she is here and come to find out this happend after the 5yr bf and a month b4 me she said she broke with her x got drunk and slept with this guy 
She said she never told anyone cause it meant nothing and she was embarrassed about it
I talked to her best friend tonight about it and she didn't knw And said she's never seen anything happen at wrk
Kinda drunk now and sitting outside in front of the fire trying to clear my head but its not working
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 6301

raulph said:


> Well I am home now and she is here and come to find out this happend after the 5yr bf and a month b4 me she said she broke with her x got drunk and slept with this guy
> She said she never told anyone cause it meant nothing and she was embarrassed about it
> I talked to her best friend tonight about it and she didn't knw And said she's never seen anything happen at wrk
> Kinda drunk now and sitting outside in front of the fire trying to clear my head but its not working
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 Then stay there until you sober up. People have the uncanny habit of saying stupid things when their drunk. Once you sober up, then talk.


----------



## 3putt

bandit.45 said:


> Again....it was the lying about it, when her husband repeatedly asked her for the truth, before and after the wedding, not the sex itself.
> 
> You are missing the point.


This is my sticking point. If I'm Raulph, I wondering, well, if she finally confessed the truth after vehemently denying it, then just what else has she lied about? And on top of that, she still has constant contact with him?

Not good. Brace yourself dude...it's about to get worse. A lot worse.


----------



## raulph

bandit.45 said:


> It's too damn early in this marriage for this poor guy to have to be dealing with this garbage. They are still on their honeymoon, and she's spending all her time trying to keep that pile of bones in her closet from spilling out all over the bedroom floor.
> 
> Lousy way to start a marriage.


Yep


----------



## raulph

3putt said:


> This is my sticking point. If I'm Raulph, I wondering, well, if she finally confessed the truth after vehemently denying it, then just what else has she lied about? And on top of that, she still has constant contact with him?
> 
> Not good. Brace yourself dude...it's about to get worse. A lot worse.


Exactly...


----------



## tug

I read 3 pages of this post and the one suggestion I didnt see is why not ask the OP. Talk to him man to man, dont come across as being mad or aggressive just tell him your wife lied to him about their relationship and you want to get to the bottom of it. If he doesnt want to come clean ask your wife to put down in paper where when and why it happened, ask her to sign it so you know she's sincere and hang onto it. Most Hospitals frown on employees using rooms meant for the sick as their own little sex room. Turn the confession over to the Human Relations department and let them deal with it. Theres consequences for intentionally lying and she needs to understand that she cant lie and not have to face the consequences.


----------



## aug

Why did she and her previous boyfriend break up? Did you confirm that with him? Is the previous boyfriend the father of her 5 y.o?


----------



## raulph

RClawson said:


> OP,
> 
> Speaking from personal experience and trying to muddle through it for 27 years I would strongly encourage you to move on.


Thanks man, I've had bad relationships before I'm trying to decide if I want to do it again if it is really worth it, I mean she has lied the whole time . I thought our trust was broken when I found out she lied, but it was never there I didn't know that only she did...


----------



## bryanp

If the roles were reversed I doubt that she would be so accepting of this situation. What do you think Ralph? It shows that she has absolutely no faith in you or your marriage in that she has had no problem lying to your face. Once the toothpaste is out of the tube it is impossible to put it back in.


----------



## raulph

aug said:


> Why did she and her previous boyfriend break up? Did you confirm that with him? Is the previous boyfriend the father of her 5 y.o?


he was a idiot and he haven't been in the kids life since he left the kid only knows me and calls me dad.


----------



## southernsurf

That's not the way he said it. Kid has to be 5 year BF, she broke up with him and did the guy at work 3 mos before Raulph came on the scene. So the way I see it Raulph she was 28 and single and you weren't around yet. Then she met you! What's the problem here? Answer this Q would you have married her if you knew before hand about the guy at work?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## raulph

LoveAtDaisys said:


> On the one hand...it was 5 years ago, man. I haven't told my husband about every man I've ever slept with or had a crush on. Not because I've cheated on him (never have), but because it doesn't matter to me. If he asks, I'll tell.
> 
> On the other hand...she wasn't immediately truthful, she works in close quarters with him, and she's being incredibly defensive.
> 
> It could just be a really, really bad situation. If she works in a hospital, she probably works shift hours. This could be as simple as her asking to change shifts or not work on the same shift as him. See what her reaction to that proposition is.
> 
> Otherwise, everyone else is right. Annulments are so much easier and less hassle than a divorce.


Just found out tonight it was a month before me, another lie came out she always told me that after the kids dad there wasent any one but me but now it was him b4 me


----------



## 3putt

raulph said:


> Just found out tonight it was a month before me, another lie came out she always told me that after the kids dad there wasent any one but me but now it was him b4 me


Okay, you're being trickle truth-ed to hell and back. When this happens, there's a lot more to uncover. Bet on it.

I would suggest to her taking a polygraph to put your mind as ease, and gauge her reaction. That alone should be telling enough for you to know there are a lot more layers to be peeled off.


----------



## bfree

raulph said:


> Just found out tonight it was a month before me, another lie came out she always told me that after the kids dad there wasent any one but me but now it was him b4 me


There is more. Count on it.


----------



## raulph

LoveAtDaisys said:


> On the one hand...it was 5 years ago, man. I haven't told my husband about every man I've ever slept with or had a crush on. Not because I've cheated on him (never have), but because it doesn't matter to me. If he asks, I'll tell.
> 
> On the other hand...she wasn't immediately truthful, she works in close quarters with him, and she's being incredibly defensive.
> 
> It could just be a really, really bad situation. If she works in a hospital, she probably works shift hours. This could be as simple as her asking to change shifts or not work on the same shift as him. See what her reaction to that proposition is.
> 
> Otherwise, everyone else is right. Annulments are so much easier and less hassle than a divorce.


Just found out tonight it was a month before me, another lie came out she always told me that after the kids dad there wasent any one but me but now it was him b4 me


----------



## alte Dame

Did I miss it where you explained exactly what about his behavior when he is around you has made you suspicious?


----------



## raulph

alte Dame said:


> Did I miss it where you explained exactly what about his behavior when he is around you has made you suspicious?


he is always stand off ish he wont look me in the eye kinda acts like im not there and keeps it short and sweet like hey how are u see ya


----------



## raulph

Life is too short for this


----------



## warlock07

raulph said:


> "You are right I did lie and I should have been honest. I didn't lie to get what I wanted. I lied out of fear. The fear of being judged, of losing you and being a disappointment" --this is part of a email I recived this morning after leaving the house without saying a word to her.
> and they dont call or text alot just ocasoinally and it is usally work related, he just had a kid with another woman and they are getting married.


I don't see a reason why she would lie about it. So she had relationships before you..You know about them. There seems to be something else she is hiding...

Another major red flag(and a huge one that is) is that she would only confess once she was caught and that confessions happens to be the minimum that could happen(they were drunk, it was once and she probably did not enjoy it)


----------



## bryanp

At the very least she is an habitual liar. You simply cannot believe anything she says. This is absolutely absurd. I do not think you have a clue now who you really married. Cut your losses and get an annulment. This is absolutely crazy.


----------



## aug

perhaps she was seeing you and him at the same time, in the beginning of your relationship with her?


I would think an annulment is cheaper than a polygraph?


----------



## Truthseeker1

raulph said:


> Just found out tonight it was a month before me, another lie came out she always told me that after the kids dad there wasent any one but me but now it was him b4 me


This story is just unfolding. There will be many layers.


----------



## warlock07

raulph said:


> Just found out tonight it was a month before me, another lie came out she always told me that after the kids dad there wasent any one but me but now it was him b4 me


When do the lies stop ? Ask her for a polygraph test. Usually the reaction when you ask for one and parking lot confessions reveal a lot more than the actual test.


----------



## workindad

raulph said:


> Just found out tonight it was a month before me, another lie came out she always told me that after the kids dad there wasent any one but me but now it was him b4 me


This makes me think you are still being trickle trothed. Sorry.

I agree you will most likely keep getting details.

I'm confused as to why he would act weird around you if this was a ONS before you knew her and it was years ago. That doesn't make sense to me.

You said she didn't tell anyone, but a friend made a comment to you that made you suspicious again... Think about that, she most likely did tell someone else. That person may cover for her.

FWIW, drinking never helped me make good decisions. 

Was this guy at your wedding? Are you sure he has a GF and kid- you have met them?

Honestly, before proceeding straight to D, I think I would ask her to take a polygraph to help rebuild trust. Judge her reaction- follow through. Be prepared for more details. Even if all was good there... I wouldn't feel good about them working together. Ex-lovers have no place in a marriage.


----------



## EleGirl

tug said:


> I read 3 pages of this post and the one suggestion I didnt see is why not ask the OP. Talk to him man to man, dont come across as being mad or aggressive just tell him your wife lied to him about their relationship and you want to get to the bottom of it. If he doesnt want to come clean ask your wife to put down in paper where when and why it happened, ask her to sign it so you know she's sincere and hang onto it. Most Hospitals frown on employees using rooms meant for the sick as their own little sex room. Turn the confession over to the Human Relations department and let them deal with it. Theres consequences for intentionally lying and she needs to understand that she cant lie and not have to face the consequences.


So far nothing has come out saying that they had sex in the hospital.

Ralph does no know what he is doing yet. If he is going to get an annulment or divorce, then making her lose her job is a really bad move. She might never be able to find a good job again so her child would be thrown into poverty because the mother is a liar. 

If Ralph wants to try to fix this, then she needs to find a new job. But getting fired for sexual harassment or inappropriate behavior at work will hurt her ability to ever find another job.


----------



## Thor

I would be very worried about this lie. Not the content so much, though probably there is more to the story and it won't make you happy. But the disregard she has for the truth is a big problem. The fact that she is willing to lie in order to get what she wants from you is a big problem. The fact that she can lie convincingly to you is a problem (she has no apparent guilt).

So what else don't you know about? What else has she hidden from you? What else did she blatantly lie about? These are the deep issues, not when she may have banged this guy before she met you.


----------



## bfree

Usually I'm not one for escalating the paranoid speculation but for some reason my spidey sense is tingling here. Or it could be those tacos I had for dinner.


----------



## Thor

ironman said:


> You really need to get to the bottom of WHY she hid this from you .. even after your insistent asking her about it.
> 
> My guess, the only one that makes sense to me anyway, is that she still harbors feelings for this guy in some way shape or form.


Could be she still has feelings. But another possibility is that her template for relationships is to use lies and deceptions to get what she wants. She may see it as acceptable to have secrets and to be dishonest within a marriage. It is possible she has no feelings for this old fling at all, but she was worried what her husband would think. Rather than talk about it, it was much easier and safer to just lie.

If that is the case it is a huge red flag. There is an underlying reason her rules for relationships would include dishonesty with her husband, and it must be discovered and dealt with if there is any hope of it changing.

Whatever is going on, this situation is not one to rugsweep!


----------



## raulph

no. its not good and im drunk and mad .. I don't get it she is all feeling bad and crying but its all kinda im sorry poor me crap,


----------



## tom67

raulph said:


> no. its not good and im drunk and mad .. I don't get it she is all feeling bad and crying but its all kinda im sorry poor me crap,


Call it a night with her and tell her we'll talk later. I feel for ya.


----------



## bryanp

I think she is sorry......sorry that she keeps getting caught in her own lies to you! She seems to be a totally toxic person. Please protect yourself Ralph. Good luck.


----------



## weightlifter

Hip OP im resident tech wife buster. I copy paste the bottom part as it is now far too long to retype every time.

I suggest strongly play clueless hubby for a while to see where the trail leads.

Are you UK?

Here you go:

Your wife is acting funny. Her phone and email suddenly have passwords you don't know. She shuts down phone apps or changes windows on the computer whenever you enter the room. She is suddenly staying out until 2 to 5 in the morning. She has new single friends. She has lost weight and is dressing hotter to boot. Her ex contacted her 3 weeks ago and she wants “to meet to catch up at some public place” Any of this sound familiar? 

If you are reading this your gut is going crazy. “Relax”, in that there is a high liklihood that you are not crazy at least. “Your gut” is your basic instinct from the caveman period. There is something up with your mate. It is part of your mind built into you and in your DNA. You probably cant sleep. You are losing weight like crazy and are not hungry. Well if you are reading this and that is 90% of you reading this if its your first time... You are embarking on what is probably going to be the worst time of your life.

Chin up, yes I know it is damn near impossible to believe now, but I and the people at TAM here have taken dozens of men through this process. Some reconcile, most dont in the long run so be aware. Most of us hang around this grim grim place for a sense of “pay it forward” and “getting at the truth” Even in divorce, the long run the majority find love again... yes really. Often selecting a far far better future companion. Read poster BFF for a thread of disaster, divorce, recovery, and a new wonderful woman in his life. Younger and hotter, yes, but also one with better boundaries, often a far far better personality match. Oh and they get to go through that first time with her after the first I love you's have been exchanged. Just know, that for the majority, even if the marriage crashes, in six months, a year, maybe two you will wonder how you got so far so fast and how great your new life is. You will also be MUCH MUCH stronger as a person.

So. Here are your instructions. Do this now. I dont mean next week. I mean make something up within the next day and GET IT DONE! Not looking will only prolong your agony.

NO MORE CONFRONTS!! Play dumb husband for a bit. Dont drive her further underground! Soft confronts RARELY WORK AND ONLY MAKE GETTING AT THE TRUTH HARDER!!! THIS PROLONGS YOUR AGONY! NEVER give up you get your intel from the VAR. You tell her, you always got your info from a PI or someone saw them. Hard confronts with overwhelming evidence to crush all resistance are the name of the game.

Buy 2 sony ICDPX312 voice activated recorders. Best Buy sells them for like 50 bucks. DO NOT BUY THE cheapies. USE LITHIUM batteries. We have examples of 25 hour recordings using them on these sony recorders. My icon IS a Sony ICDPX312. No I do not have stock in nor work for Sony.

Setup instructions are on page 19. Also good stuff on page 31.
Use 44K bit rate for balancing file size vs quality DO NOT USE 8K!!!!! Simply put. The higher the quality the better the sound and 8K sucks. ALSO. The higher the quality the more you can manipulate the mp3 in Audacity.
Set VOR "on" see page 38
See page 40 for adding memory if necessary
Play with it yourself to get familiar. TEST IT OUT 
Turn off the beep feature. Its on one of the menus. You can even play prevent defense by going to a dollar store, buying uber-cheapie earbuds, cut off the buds but put in the jack which will actually disable the speaker for additional protection.

Go to Walmart and buy heavy duty velcro.
This is one item: Velcro Heavy-Duty Hook and Loop Fastener VEK90117: Office : Walmart.com
also
Purchase VELCRO Hook and Loop Fasteners, Sticky-Back, for less at Walmart.com. Save money. Live better.
The velcro is usually in the fabric section or the aisle with the fasteners like screws.

Use the velcro to attach the var under her seat UP INSIDE. SECURE IT WELL!!!!!! So well even a big bump wont knock it off. attach one side HD velcro from Walmart to back. USE BIG PIECE
attach other side HD velcro again UP INSIDE car seat. 

ATTACH THE CRAP out of it. It needs to stay put going over big potholes or railroad tracks.
I recommend exporting the sound files to your comp. The recorder is very cumbersome for playback.

Put the second VAR in whatever room she uses to talk in when you are not around. If you are a typical man, use your size advantage to put it someplace she cant reach, even on a chair. Beware spring cleaning season if she does it.

Usual warning. If you hear another man and perhaps a little kissing or... STOP Listening and have a trusted friend listen and tell you what went on. Knowing she is a cheat will kill you. Hearing her moan while another man is inside her will murder you to your very soul!!!!!! You are not strong enough to hear that. Dont try it. I know what I am talking about in this.

If you need clean up the recordings get Audacity. Its free from the internet. I have used it on var work for others here to remove things like engine noise. If needed, I have done var work for three men here. RDMU is the only one who has released some of the confidentiality. Read his second thread for my reliability and confidentiality. NEVER GIVE UP YOUR ELECTRONIC EVIDENCE. They were seen by a PI or something NOT your VAR!!

The ezoom GPS has been found to be easy to buy at Radio shack and useful.

Look for a burner phone. That is often why wives let the husband "see their phone"

Look for apps on her phone like words with friends. It has a non traceable texting feature.
Here is a list 25 Apps to Help You Cheat On Your Girlfriend | Complex


----------



## raulph

3 years of the same lie is what is bothering me, she told the same lie the night before our wedding. this is crazy what did I do to deserve this and the kids are going to get hurt from us breaking up


----------



## tom67

Amazon.com: pen voice recorder


----------



## happyman64

raulph

I know you are hurting and you have every right to be.

Sober up and get some sleep.

Tomorrow sit your wife down and explain to her a few things.

1. You married under false pretenses.
2. She is a liar and had done so for the years you have been together.
3. You don't care is she is embarrassed about a half assed relationship or ONS before you were in the picture. You angry that she has lied repeatedly over a stupid time in her life that you could have had time to assimilate and deal with together.

Tell her you are seriously considering annulling the marriage over her lies. 

Then sit back and watch.
Sit back and listen.

Then in a few days or weeks decide what you want to do.

I cannot fathom why a woman would lie about this when she found a guy that she supposedly loves.

Let alone you love her and her child I am assuming.

Your wife is either an idiot or the others are right there is more to this story...

HM


----------



## Rottdad42

I'm still stuck on the fib. Two people come together, have and hold all that stuff. Something doesn't sit right, good senses btw, you ask, one, twice, three times a BS'er. 31 year mom spinning tales because she is ashamed about something that happened 5-6 years ago. Doesn't work for me. These are things that just should't happen at the beginning of anything. Then you marry and then you get thee truth. Well maybe you did, maybe you didn't. You sure don't have all the facts to make any conclusions. Except the fact she fibbed, that's all you really can hang your hat on. Sorry man more to it. Hey brother word to the wise, stop the bottle works it mucks everything up, trust me. Good luck.


----------



## Hardtohandle

I have never lied to my wife.. I have never cheated on my wife.. My wife came before anyone.. I would have fought off the apocalypse or I would started one to protect my wife.. The sun set and rose on my wife in my eyes.. 

We dated 5 years. After the 3rd year we got engaged. I put her through college and she became a Dental Hygienist. She makes 45 an hours. 

We were together 19 years in total with 2 boys 13 and 8.

I worked 3 jobs to pay for her college and clothing as she did not work while she went to school. I helped taking care of my family home since my dad left when I was 12. Once I became an full time working adult I took over all the finances for the home and my mother just chilled and did her own thing. She deserved it.

I worked 3 jobs also to pay for a wedding that cost me 25k. 

About 1 month before the wedding I found out she was searching someone on the internet. A man.. I confronted her and she broke down crying telling me it was nothing.. She never met him.. 

Nutshell I let it go.. I spent 25k on wedding that was gonna happen in a month. I was with her for 5 years, 24x7x365 or just about. IF she did anything it was a ONS..

We got married.

After about 2 years of being married we had our first boy. So by the 3rd year he was one years old and I caught her intending on meeting a man from the Brotherhood of the sisters of Saint Joseph of Boston. He was the Website Admin.. I found the cloths she was going to wear and found the hotel near the airport they were going to meet. 

She lied about everything. She couldn't tell me a bit of truth.. I threw her out of the house. I called her mother and told her and told her to get her daughter. 

2 weeks passed of her calling me, I would call her every name in the book. Wh0re was my favorite word during that time. I ripped her apart. 

We did half a$$ed counseling and I rugged swept this incident away.. 

About years ago from today which would be about 7 years into the marriage now.. I caught emailing her old junkie boyfriend that she broke up before going out with me. I waited a month to go out with her because she had to do it the right way.. WTF the right way was I have no fvcking clue.. Nonetheless it seems he is a reformed junkie now turned drug counselor in Florida.. Whatever.. 

Now during those 4 or 5 years we tried to have another child. Granted I was not the one carrying the child, but being the consummate father and husband I was with her through the 3 miscarriages and the DNC. It took us 3 years to conceive our last child. Mind you I told her if this didn't stick we were done trying. I just didn't want to put her through this anymore, emotionally and physically. 

But back to incident number 3 the junkie ex boyfriend. She again lied and never told the truth. I only seen one email but she confessed to more during counseling. This time we did what I felt was good counseling. I went for about 6 months with and without her and she did the same for about a year or a bit more. 

Now lets hit Sept 25th, 2013. 14 years into my marriage.. I again catch my wife but this time I was too late, they met and had sex several times. It was painful as you can imagine. 

From Sept to December she lied about trying to fix the marriage. She lied to me and the therapist. At the end of December when I caught her in yet another of her lies.. She basically told me she didn't love me and yes she was still seeing him.. We were done.. 

January 3rd he phone rang on the dinning room table it was the guitar strum from the iPhone. The contact picture was my wife and this other man she had the affair with hugging. This guy was calling my wife while she was home.. She came in from the kitchen and picked up the phone and went into the bedroom to talk. I wanted to FVCKING DIE... Not only did my wife not love me anymore, she had no respect or care for me at all. 

When I confronted her about it and asked her not to take calls from him while I was home. She told me its not I am talking in front of you. 

Mind you he put his facebook page public weeks later with pictures of them together. Sadly as a Cop my hands were tied.. I couldn't do a thing that someone else could or would have done.. I would been arrested and lost my job.. I couldn't afford to loose my job of 24 years. I had to suck this all up.. 

I did convince her to get him to get rid of the facebook page or I would teach them a lesson about the internet. She blinked and within minutes he went back to private. I was able to suck down the page though with all the pictures.

Now let me tell you as a cop I have had woman come on to me. I have had woman complainants come back to want to talk to me, to come over their house to talk a bit more. 

I went to training out of state numerous times. 

My wife cheated on me or attempted to cheat on me 4 times that I know of at least.. 

I NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER cheated on my wife or anyone for that matter. Why ? Because of what I opened up with on this post. I loved my wife.. People make mistakes, that is why we are humans and not robots. 

2 wrongs don't make a right.. 

But you think this cvnt of a wife would look back at my loyalty and say I have a honest and great man.. I put him through so much sh1t and he stood by me through everything. 

He never hit me, He never cheated on me, He never came home drunk or at least not without me being there. He never told me no to anything I might have wanted. I only work 3 days a week for about 10 hours a week and he has never asked me to work anymore then that. He worked more hours so I didn't.. 

But absolutely not.. All that sh1t didn't matter to her.. She left.. 

Not only did she leave me but pretty much abandoned my kids. She hasn't spoken to the 13 year old for about 2 months straight. when school was open she would drive him to school for the literally 2 minute drive and back home after school, but she would not call to speak with him at all. She wouldn't call on the weekends either. 

She takes the youngest 2 days a week, monday and tuesday and brings him back Wed about noon. 

WTF did my son do to her ? No clue, I can only guess it is shame. He understands exactly what happen. She played out her whole affair in front of the boys.. The youngest is just to young to understand yet.. In a few years he will get it though.

What my point of this whole dribble ? 

Its very simple, don't be the fool I was.. 

Look today almost year since I found out. The boys are with me full time almost. The youngest now wants to come home on Tuesday night instead of Wed afternoon. My oldest has zero contact with his mother. I pay her for now 700 a month in child support, but that will stop soon enough. 

For me this turned out well on many aspects and I love my kids whole heartedly. But hindsight being 20/20 I would never went to my friends house to meet her. 

For me to have to erase 19 years of my life and start over at the age of 46 is slightly heartbreaking and very annoying.. 46 is not 36 and its not 26.. 

I am not telling you to leave her, but make sure the sunglasses are off and you're seeing this for what it truly is.. 

I just feel the LAST THING she should have done is to lie to you.. 
She should have felt that you were her number one concern.. That she could lie to a priest but not to you.. Lie to her parents but not you.. You two should as thick as thieves. 

I would consider calling him out on it and ask him. Tell him you know and lie a bit yourself, but nothing crazy.. All you want to know if it was more then just once.. 

I wouldn't give him any details about when or where.. I would just wait to see when he tells you when it happen and where. Tell him you will go to HR if you think he is lying.. That either him or your wife will get fired or moved to a different shift.. Get the name of the HR person so you can mention her by name.. Let this guy know you did your homework.. 

Good luck..


----------



## The Cro-Magnon

The only reason op even suspected anything was because his gut instinct told him something was off. The thi.g is, he was getting this gut instinct about this male and his woman in the here and now. Whatever she has with her co-worker is not some dead and buried memory from years ago that only an archaeologist could piece together, it is something that still has a pulse. I feel for op, she is going to lie, and emotionally manipulate op to win this fight, nothing but cold, silent resolve and action will lever any truth from her. "Frank" questions and let's come clean moments are merely opportunities to slide even more lies past your weak defences, in such people's eyes. Her sexual partner knows her better than her own husband. It's not even a marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## carpenoctem

*Ralph:*


*Optimistic Overview:*

She just lied the first time you asked about him, (‘to protect your feelings’ / ‘because it really was nothing’ / ‘for fear of losing you (r respect)’, etc), and *in order to protect that lie, kept lying.*

Right now, they work together, and other than an occasional tingle or a little flirtatious hark-back to the time they were together now and then, she is not having an emotional or physical affair with him. You are too important to risk.




*Realistic Possibility:*

She was carefully setting up / balancing her safety locker and her cake counter. Now you have gone and busted the cake counter, or are about to.

She lied to you about her relationship with him. She lied to you about her relationship with you too.

*As a poster mentioned here, she seems to follow an ‘ends justify means’ sort of relationship template.*

You are probably much better husband material than him (as evident in the way you rather possessively described how her child from the other boyfriend knows only you as Dad). He is a much better cake baker than you (any man other than the spouse qualifies for his role, alas. Because spouses cannot bake cake – they only have bland daily dough to offer).

Probably, when she met you, he also was in the picture, but you struck her to be better spouse material, and she chose you to marry. At the same time, an adoring man on the sidelines was too good to lose. So she kept him too – probably on and off in your initial days of courting, and later, as a regular presence *(Q: were they working together when you first met her and you two started dating?) *




*Pessimistic Projecion:

*It could also go far deeper, she and he could have decided they are ‘soul mates’ who are kept apart by a conspiratorial world and the turn of events, and would stay married to their respective spouses, while keeping the flame between them alive, and the sex between them, frequent.

He also is about to marry his girlfriend, who I feel sure knows your wife, but does not know about the ‘one time’ they slept together – she is probably about to walk through the same path you did, in the same way. If you talk to her, you might hear an eerie replay of your story – she asked him about your wife, he said no, and she will later (post-marriage, the way life works) find out that it was ‘only one time’, and… …


----------



## lordmayhem

As everyone is saying, this is big time Trickle Truth.


Swore that she had never had anything to do with him and continued to deny anything happened
Finally admits they just went out and it didn't mean anything
After more questioning, admits they slept together while drunk
Then claims this OM was before the next relationship and it was a ONS 5-6 years ago.
Then claims now it was only a month before their current relationship and still claims it was a ONS.

Now the question is where do the lies end and the truth begins? The OM certainly doesn't act as if it was an ONS that didn't mean anything. Methinks there's even more that you haven't found out yet.


----------



## TRy

raulph said:


> She said she never told anyone cause it meant nothing and she was embarrassed about it


 This is a lie. You know that she told at least one friend because that is how you found out about it. To remind you, in your first post you stated that "the night before our wedding her friend made a comment about something and I kinda put two and two together and 3 weeks later asked her again and once more she denied it, then she said they just went out and it meant nothing, then I kept asking and she finally admitted they slept together". No matter what the friend now says, you know that the friend knew.



raulph said:


> I talked to her best friend tonight about it and she didn't knw And said she's never seen anything happen at wrk


 She is your wife's best friend. If you divorce your wife she will still be your wife's best friend, and the wife's best friend will never talk to you again. What do you expect her to tell you when your wife tells her to lie to you about this? This friend has known all along and has been in on the secret against you along with your wife and the other man (OM).

The story keeps changing and not for the better. As everyone has said there is more to the story and it will only get worse. Based on what she has admitted to you already, she decided to lie to you rather than tell you the truth, because the truth would have certainly meant the end of having the OM in her life. If she was truly remorseful and wanted to help you get over it, she would be asking you "what can I do for you to make it better?" (quote by Remains). That has not happened here because her primary concern is not you but the OM. The truth is that you were brought in to be the dad provider for her children that are not yours. You are not the love of her life.

There is someone out there that would thank God every day for allowing you to be married to them. You will be able to spend all of your time and energy raising your own children with a woman that does not lie to you. Newly married and no children of your own, there is no better time to acknowledge your mistake and move on. If you do want to try reconciliation, she must quit her job and go full no contact (NC) with the OM, and give you full transparency without complaint, which would include all passwords and an agreement not to delete anything without showing it to you first.


----------



## MicroStorm

This is a tough one. On one hand, you could argue that this happened before she met you, "the past is the past" (I hate that cliche), and that you have no solid proof that she has been unfaithful to you since she's been with you.

On the other hand, this is a huge red flag and the incessant lying and slow trickle of information is not working in her favor. When you first posted, I figured that she did this 5 years ago while she was in her teens or early 20s, but then you mentioned that she is 31, so clearly this is not just some college fling or puppy love. She's a grown woman and there is probably more to this story than you even want to know. She works with this guy on a frequent/daily basis, which itself isn't an issue, but you had suspicions for a reason based on his demeanor around you, and obviously your suspicions had some veracity in them.

A month into a marriage is too soon to be having problems like this, but giving up so quickly isn't necessarily the best answer either. Assume she is telling the truth--that she f'd the guy once 5+ years ago and that she has never been unfaithful to you in the meantime. Would this be acceptable to you? Probably, and if she's being honest with her info, albeit lying by omission, then you should be able to get through this with solid communication moving forward.

However, in her case and at her age, her story has more holes than a golf course... and you're still discovering more holes. We don't have all of the intangible information, so it's easy for us to say "divorce" or "annul", but as an outsider looking at this, it's really difficult to take her story with this other guy seriously.


----------



## aug

You know now your marriage is started on a very poor foundation. You'll never forget the lie she told you for 3+ years. 

And you know she can lie straight to your face. That's her character.


----------



## Cosmos

harrybrown said:


> Have you talked to your family and her family about this? Exposing helps not to try to end her spending time with her friend. I would tell her she gets to take a lie detector test.


I don't think this warrants exposure to their families. She hasn't (as far as we know) cheated on him. She lied to him.


----------



## Kallan Pavithran

She had a fling with OM, she had sex with him.She lied to you about it from the beginning. She is still working with him night shifts, both of them alone. There is way more to this story man, you saw only the tip of the Ice berg. I doubt they are still hooking up.

As she lied from the beginning it will be a golden chance for her to prove her version by taking a polygraph. Is she ready for that?

Her friend told you she is not aware of their relationship but they joked about it before wedding which you heard. Are they straightening the story for you ?

Its time for you to get tested for STDs and an Annulment.


----------



## hibiscus

nogutsnoglory said:


> I believe you to be terribly wrong here. If it meant nothing it would not have been hidden. If it meant nothing she wouldnt be willing to risk the integritity of her marriage to cover it up
> She lied because he nailed her, and won't commit to a relationship or is alreadyin one and she is his side ***** and she wants her cake and eat it too. You are being played.


We are all speculating. Like I said, she probably didn't want to worry the OP incase she gets the third degree for it. It probably was some drunken ONS with him induced by alcohol. Meant nothing. She is probably ashamed of it. But I am just guessing.

OP how does she act around him?


----------



## aug

hibiscus said:


> We are all speculating. Like I said, she probably didn't want to worry the OP incase she gets the third degree for it. It probably was some drunken ONS with him induced by alcohol. Meant nothing. She is probably ashamed of it. But I am just guessing.
> 
> OP how does she act around him?


The ONS (maybe) was a month before OP got together with her.

Wjy should she be ashamed of the "ONS"? Why did she lie and denied about it for so long? These are the questions that made no sense. Rather, it indicates there are more she's not telling. A poor, poor display of her character during the 3 years before marriage and also after.


----------



## aug

Kallan Pavithran said:


> Her friend told you she is not aware of their relationship but they joked about it before wedding which you heard. *Are they straightening the story for you ?*
> 
> Its time for you to get tested for STDs and an Annulment.



Birds of a feather?


----------



## ironman

I know some people are advising to take it slow, calm down and maybe it "was only once" ... I can't argue with their opinion. However, in my opinion, the dishonesty about something this big so early and on the eve of a marriage is just too much.

My advice remains .. annulment. She has issues with honesty .. you can't build a marriage on "that". The foundation of marriage is trust .. I see none here.


----------



## dogman

raulph said:


> I know and it wont work out, the thought will always be there,
> Im not going to make a rash emotional decision Im going to drink and clear my head and figure out what I want to do, and if I decide to end it Im going to get all my **** in order first,
> I checked the county website but couldnt find an annulment form So I will have to go down there hope they are open tomorrow morning, Im not going home tonight Im going to find somewhere else to stay.



I don't think Id annul this marriage. If you're willing to think that extreme I'd give her an ultimatum of quitting that job or ending the marriage. 

She lost the right to keep that job when she lied.

The thing to worry about is not whether she cheated but the fact that she may cheat. As we all know, once you sleep with someone it's very easy to fall into it again. 2 years down the road you guys have a stupid fight and BAM! Oops! Then you know she has the ability to lie to you for years. This could play out and you'd never know about it until someone makes a smart comment 3 years down the road.

If you stay married she CAN NOT WORK WITH HIM.

Good luck.


----------



## F-102

Now, when he asked her about the co-worker, she COULD have said something like this:

"Well, before we dated, I had a bit of a fling with a guy I work with, and we even slept together once, but it really didn't pan out, and we agreed to put it behind us and have a perfectly PROFESSIONAL relationship from now on. I know that I still work with him, but I have considered leaving the job and having no further contact with him, and it's still an option if that's what you want."

If I were the OP and heard this, true, I might be taken aback, but eventually I would get over it, and appreciate the fact that she was indeed honest. 

HOWEVER...

The fact that she kept it a secret for 3 years, lied when asked, and continued to lie UNTIL she realized that the OP was onto something, that's where I would be at the very least considering divorce or annulment.

That screams "trickle truth" where, when confronted, the accused will give little bits and pieces of the truth ("well, we went out for lunch ONCE, we held hands ONCE, we danced ONCE, we hugged ONCE, we kissed ONCE, we drunk-slept together ONCE..."), hoping that the next tidbit she gives you is the one where you will finally believe her and shut the f**k up and get the f**k off of her case.

If it was me, I would tell her that I'm moving out for awhile, and that I really need to think long and hard as to whether I want to stay in this marriage. I would also tell her that I will consider the "forgive and forget" route, but only if she proves to me, THROUGH ACTIONS-NOT WORDS, that she is willing to do what it takes to right this. That may include polygraphs, quitting her job, informing the OM's woman of what went on, confessing to BOTH of our families what went on, and absolute transparency.

See how she reacts. If she is truly willing to do these things, then you can very well salvage this marriage. Who knows, it might even end up better and stronger than you could have imagined!

But, if she starts dragging her feet and starts giving you excuses as to why she doesn't want to ("But my family will be upset, I'll be humiliated, I don't want to break up the OM's relationship, we'll get fired, etc...), or just flat out refuses, then I would DEFINITELY leave her.

You may also want to go a little under the radar here. Find her "friend", the one that mentioned something, and say that you confronted your W with undeniable evidence, and that she confessed EVERYTHING. Say that you are getting divorced, and see how she reacts. You may find out more little tidbits of info.

And if she does agree to a poly, tell her you'll schedule it, and wait for a week or two. Then, when the two of you are out shopping or whatever, pull into the parking lot of the poly offices and say: "Remember the poly you agreed to? I scheduled it for today!" One of two things could happen:

1. She says "Okay" and goes in and takes the test. 

2. You get a "parking lot confession", where she finally tells you everything in order to get you to call the whole thing off...
...but, of course, she may be playing one last desperate hand of "trickle truth poker".


----------



## F-102

Oh, and BTW, what exactly did her friend mention to you that got you suspicious?


----------



## dogman

3putt said:


> This is my sticking point. If I'm Raulph, I wondering, well, if she finally confessed the truth after vehemently denying it, then just what else has she lied about? And on top of that, she still has constant contact with him?
> 
> Not good. Brace yourself dude...it's about to get worse. A lot worse.



Anyone see the hangover movies? The attitude of "This never happened" makes me crazy.

The idea that you can do whatever you want and as long as no one knows about it, it never happened....is bullsnot! 

I stand by the ultimatum with the job.


----------



## a_new_me

Wow. The way people in this thread are jumping to conclusions is insane!

Are you really thinking about an annulment over this????

Sounds to me like you are looking for an excuse to end your marriage instead of work on it, which is what marriage is about. If this is right, leave, she an do better. 

She had a fling with this guy YEARS ago. 
She probably lied to you because she works with him and did not want any stress from it in her relationship with you and because she did not want conflict at work.

You found out and are going crazy ballistic over it.....NO WONDER SHE LIED!

Do you act like this insecure and critical person with her all of the time?

Sorry, but you really need to look at yourself and your actions. Do you have trust issues? 

If I was in that situation, I would have lied too, but I am not because I would not be with someone who I could not be open and honest with. The fact that she lied just shows an issue in your relationship that should be addressed in counselling.


----------



## Whip Morgan

Don't forget the behavior of her male coworker around her husband, seems unusual to act that way if they were in a professional relationship. 

A new me: lying for years on end does not bode well for this marriage -no matter how you try to justify it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bfree

hibiscus said:


> We are all speculating. Like I said, she probably didn't want to worry the OP incase she gets the third degree for it. It probably was some drunken ONS with him induced by alcohol. Meant nothing. She is probably ashamed of it. But I am just guessing.
> 
> OP how does she act around him?


See that was my first thought too but I would think that if she had a drunken ONS with him and regretted it wouldn't she be embarrassed or maybe even angry with him for taking advantage of her inebriated state? I would assume that she wouldn't want to be around him quite so much as it would be awkward. But yet they were all together the night before the wedding. That gave me pause to think that there is much more to this than a drunken ONS.


----------



## theroad

bryanp said:


> If this is not a deal breaker then I don't know what is. She clearly has no problem lying to your face time and time again about an ex-lover. This is after only 3 weeks being married.
> I think you should contact an attorney about an annulment.
> I do not see how you could ever have any trust in her whatsoever. She destroyed this marriage and not you. Good luck.



Annulment ASAP.





badcompany said:


> Ugh.
> It's probably not just the one time. Can you say trickle truth?
> Don't trust anything that comes out of her mouth, you are living a lie.
> Only weeks into marriage? Annul and get out!
> You want to be walking on eggshells all the time, wondering if your future kids are yours......?




Definitely trickle truthing going on. They worked alone, at night, in same room.

Did she insist on inviting this OM to your wedding?


----------



## Thor

dogman said:


> The thing to worry about is not whether she cheated but the fact that she may cheat.


No, the thing to worry about is her dishonesty. You are correct about the future cheating, but to me it is much much bigger. Her dishonesty will flow into every area.


----------



## Chaparral

This could be a little white lie that grew and grew and grew. On the other hand, it could be trickle truth and a million times worse. It may have been five years ago, then again it could be still going on.

If it was a white lie, to avoid embarrassment, that just got out of hand that's no reason to go ape sh!t crazy. The only way I see to get out of this situation is to find out what really happened and the only way to reasonably do that is a polygraph.

Marriage isn't just something you walk away from for nothing, however if it turns out to be adultery, well...............that's something.


----------



## MissFroggie

It really doesn't even matter what the circumstances are - she has repeatedly lied to your face. Look at annulment because you can't trust her and don't need to go through years of marriage never knowing what you can believe and what is BS. You'll end up right back here saying she lies and then it'll be messier, more complicated, more awkward, more expensive and worse in every way ... plus you'll have thrown away years of your life on someone who doesn't respect you enough to be honest. You deserve better!


----------



## MissFroggie

Chaparral said:


> The only way I see to get out of this situation is to find out what really happened and the only way to reasonably do that is a polygraph.


First, polygraphs do not work. They don't react to lies, they react to changes in your body. These changes can be because of embarrassment, anxiety, fear ... not necessarily a lie. They are also pretty easy to cheat if you know how it works so they're pretty pointless and exactly why we don't use them in court etc in the UK.

Second, if you're having to consider this kind of action this early into a marriage it really is a BAD sign. Are you going to have her permanently strapped to a polygraph for every conversation? 

He knows she lied to his face, repeatedly, about something she knew was important to him. It could have been sorted out before they got married. If it was a white-lie that got out of hand she should have respected her future husband enough to discuss it and sort it out BEFORE the wedding. If he saw it as a deal-breaker that's the consequence, but lying and lying and lying is just BS and the trust has been broken. She could have told him and then their marriage would have been the fresh start, not even white-lies from here, but she didn't. She dragged the past into the future by being dishonest and untrustworthy. I'd never trust her again


----------



## Disenchanted

Obviously it's lose the job and 100% NC or annul.


----------



## WorkingOnMe

The continued 'alone' contact needs to be a deal breaker.


----------



## MattMatt

Apparently this is why counselling is popular and, in some cases, vital.


----------



## alte Dame

The lying is extremely problematical. It went on for a long time and involved a man that she still works closely with. This is serious business because it sows distrust and that is a very bad way to begin a marriage. People here can speculate all they want as to why she lied, but the effect of it is game-shifting.


----------



## Disenchanted

Super simple. I don't need my partner's sexual past. But if she is in close contact a with a previous lover she needs to be up front about it from the start. There should be nothing to hide in that regard.

So now that she's lied about it she needs to not be in close contact with the man. It's already an EA because she and her coworker have secrets together from Raulph. 

So 100% NC and start intensive MC if you really want to work through this.

For me, I'd have a hard time being married to a liar.


----------



## TDSC60

This woman was repeatedly dishonest with the one person she should be the MOST honest with and I agree that the total truth is still not out.

But the thing that concerns me most is that the OP keeps using "get drunk, drinking" and "clear my head" in conjunction.

OP put the alcohol away. You cannot think clearly or make a good decision or even have a logical conversation while you are tipsy or drunk.

The alcohol will not make things better, it will not help you deal with the issue and it will not help you think clearer. Nothing good can come of mixing alcohol and extreme emotional stress.


----------



## hereinthemidwest

Knowing what types of lies to look out for can also be helpful in detecting lies:

Error—a lie by mistake. The person believes they are being truthful, but what they are saying is not true. 
Omission – leaving out relevant information. Easier and least risky. It doesn’t involve inventing any stories. It is passive deception and less guilt is involved. 
Restructuring—distorting the context. Saying something in sarcasm, changing the characters, or the altering the scene. 
Denial—refusing to acknowledge a truth. The extent of denial can be quite large—they may be lying only to you just this one time or they may be lying to themselves. 
Minimization—reducing the effects of a mistake, a fault, or a judgment call. 
Exaggeration—representing as greater, better, more experienced, more successful. 
Fabrication—deliberately inventing a false story.


----------



## MattMatt

TDSC60 said:


> This woman was repeatedly dishonest with the one person she should be the MOST honest with and I agree that the total truth is still not out.
> 
> But the thing that concerns me most is that the OP keeps using "get drunk, drinking" and "clear my head" in conjunction.
> 
> OP put the alcohol away. You cannot think clearly or make a good decision or even have a logical conversation while you are tipsy or drunk.
> 
> The alcohol will not make things better, it will not help you deal with the issue and it will not help you think clearer. Nothing good can come of mixing alcohol and extreme emotional stress.


You are right. My decision to self-medicate with alcohol after my wife cheated on me was not one of my better moments.


----------



## jim123

If she was so embarrassed how did it come up in conversation on the eve of her wedding.

Why would something that is three years old and meaningless even enter into anyone's mind.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## RClawson

By the way these are not just negatives opinions they are statements born out of personal circumstances. 

I know far more about this situation that you ever will because I have lived it through it for almost 3 decades. I know what the OP is facing and if he cannot cope with it then he needs to move on and save himself from the emotional torment that is going to be part of his life.


----------



## jim123

My guess is OP is here because he suspects more. He has felt there was more and there was. Now he needs to find out how much more.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jasel




----------



## JCD

bandit.45 said:


> If this guy meant nothing to her, and it was just a one-off, then why is she fighting tooth and nail not to reveal the extent of her relationship with him?


How about to avoid the circumstance she is right now: with some guy he doesn't know telling him he needs to lose his WIFE because of something she did 8 years ago, just because she happens to like her job.

However...the one point in this, is that if this guy was being a smirking, touchy feely *******, yeah, she should have either told this guy to back WAY the Hell off, or told her BF/Husband.


----------



## JCD

Chaparral said:


> I think the biggest red flag is not the cheating but the vibe the other man repeatedly gave off that made you continually suspect and question your wife. That has never happened in my life. I and others I have known have had one night stands with other people, nothing has been said and no one feels guilty or acts funny.
> 
> His acting weird about a ons years ago is just not right. That alone warrants a poly and no contact even without the lying.


Some guys are just *******s. Once they plant the flag, they never let it go.


----------



## bfree

JCD said:


> Some guys are just *******s. Once they plant the flag, they never let it go.


Very true. And those are the ones you need to stay away from.


----------



## Dyokemm

JCD,

I agree with you that its too soon to know whether this situation warrants an annulment.

I think OP does have a reason to be concerned about why she lied so extensively to hide it, especially since the guy acts in such a manner when he is around.

He needs to get to the bottom of that issue ASAP.

About the job, I think there should be concern if it turns out that the reason this guy is so stand-offish with OP is because he has possessive feelings or an emotional connection with the W, even if she doesn't return them at all.

We all know that M's can have rough patches, and potentially having this guy around long term when one of these times hits could spell future disaster.

Previous sexual relationship (which I might add was after she broke up/had difficulties with a previous relationship, so there is a history of reaching to this guy when she's down)....check

Possessive/emotional feelings from other guy...POSSIBLE check.

If that possible is revealed through OP's discussions with his W to be a fact, then I don't think it would be unreasonable for him to ask for her to find another job, or at a minimum demand a shift change to not be working with him.


----------



## bfree

JCD said:


> Spoken like someone who ran into one circumstance and now treats every other circumstance as the same.
> 
> There was no cheating.
> 
> She likes her job.
> 
> He seems to have a propensity to overreact.
> 
> Guess what? If she wants to be with him, she likes her job, and the guy meant nothing to her, I'd be tempted to lie too.
> 
> Not the wisest choice she could make, but we have No, Zero, None Evidence that she is actually doing anything.
> 
> Time to have a 'Come to Jesus' meeting with the wife, yes.
> 
> Annulment, like right now?
> 
> There are a lot of suggestions of therapy here. Maybe some other people need some therapy too for paranoia.


I agree that he needs to find out why she deceived him. He also needs to decide whether he wants to be with her if he feels the deception is egregious enough to warrant an annulment. I think he also has a right to demand she find another job if he stays with her. Something tells me there is more but I pray that its just those tacos.


----------



## Chaparral

Op also said they text after working hours, some times about work, sometimes personal. Nothing sexual.............that he is aware of.

And the number one red flag.......his gut.

How many people text with the opposite sex after work?


----------



## JCD

bfree said:


> I agree that he needs to find out why she deceived him. He also needs to decide whether he wants to be with her if he feels the deception is egregious enough to warrant an annulment. I think he also has a right to demand she find another job if he stays with her. Something tells me there is more but I pray that its just those tacos.


Here's the deal: Women suffer from reputation problems a hell of a lot more than men do. I get that. Take a look at the dozens of threads in General about discussing sexual pasts.

MOST women on the board are VERY against it...because of crap like this. The default assumption, primarily male (and yes, I'm a guy) is that if she was willing to sleep with the guy once, she will ALWAYS want to sleep with him. Um...no.

Now, one of the issues raised which I will grant is HE might still want to sleep with her again! Yup. Guys. What are you going to do?

And the fact that her hubby asked several times means that he felt some Disturbance in the Force.

However...once she said no, she's stuck with that story until the price gets too high to continue the lie. Why continue the lie? Because the OP and most of the posters here seem to want to overreact. Annulment NOW! This is EXACTLY what she feared...and she was right...or she's a slvt who is continually cheating. 

And I get that emotion. I think I'd get the annulment AFTER a nice long talk and continued to be dissatisfied with her responses.

She has also painted herself into a corner where some major change in work is necessary. But this is the price of the lie.


----------



## bfree

*Re: Re: Wife or 3 weeks caught in a bad lie*



JCD said:


> Here's the deal: Women suffer from reputation problems a hell of a lot more than men do. I get that. Take a look at the dozens of threads in General about discussing sexual pasts.
> 
> MOST women on the board are VERY against it...because of crap like this. The default assumption, primarily male (and yes, I'm a guy) is that if she was willing to sleep with the guy once, she will ALWAYS want to sleep with him. Um...no.
> 
> Now, one of the issues raised which I will grant is HE might still want to sleep with her again! Yup. Guys. What are you going to do?
> 
> And the fact that her hubby asked several times means that he felt some Disturbance in the Force.
> 
> However...once she said no, she's stuck with that story until the price gets too high to continue the lie. Why continue the lie? Because the OP and most of the posters here seem to want to overreact. Annulment NOW! This is EXACTLY what she feared...and she was right...or she's a slvt who is continually cheating.
> 
> And I get that emotion. I think I'd get the annulment AFTER a nice long talk and continued to be dissatisfied with her responses.
> 
> She has also painted herself into a corner where some major change in work is necessary. But this is the price of the lie.


Agreed. But what gives me pause is why lie about it if it was before they met? That makes me think there is more. If it was no big deal like she said then she should have discussed it and begun distancing herself from her former lover. I don't see it as that big a problem but maybe I'm more progressive than most.


----------



## JCD

bfree said:


> Agreed. But what gives me pause is why lie about it if it was before they met? That makes me think there is more. If it was no big deal like she said then she should have discussed it and *begun distancing herself from her former lover.* I don't see it as that big a problem but maybe I'm more progressive than most.


There is the rub. She likes her job. OP sounds like he wouldn't be cool with it however platonic it was.

So she denied him the choice. Bad form on her part. A problem.

BUT...all marriages are problems. You need to solve them every day.

Sometimes the solution is 'Good Bye'. But not today.


----------



## tom67

bfree said:


> I agree that he needs to find out why she deceived him. He also needs to decide whether he wants to be with her if he feels the deception is egregious enough to warrant an annulment. I think he also has a right to demand she find another job if he stays with her. Something tells me there is more but I pray that its just those tacos.


:iagree: Watch those tacos


----------



## tom67

If nothing happened then there shouldn't be a problem with a polygraph.


----------



## bfree

*Re: Re: Wife or 3 weeks caught in a bad lie*



tom67 said:


> If nothing happened then there shouldn't be a problem with a polygraph.


Maybe but I would hate to have to resort to a polygraph so early in a marriage. It makes me think if those are the lengths needed to go to in order to get beyond this maybe an annulment is warranted after all.


----------



## tom67

bfree said:


> Maybe but I would hate to have to resort to a polygraph so early in a marriage. It makes me think if those are the lengths needed to go to in order to get beyond this maybe an annulment is warranted after all.


I agree with that because it's the lies that would end this. I don't care what she did before, but now op can't believe a thing she says. I wouldn't. That's a deal breaker.


----------



## TBT

raulph said:


> the night before our wedding her friend made a comment about something and I kinda put two and two together and 3 weeks later asked her again and once more she denied it


I find it interesting that it was talked about in some context by the friend the night before your wedding and 3 years after the fact.While there may be currently nothing going on towards the OM on your wife's part that doesn't mean that the OM hasn't been trying.


----------



## TRy

JCD said:


> Why continue the lie? Because the OP and most of the posters here seem to want to overreact. Annulment NOW! This is EXACTLY what she feared...and she was right...or she's a slvt who is continually cheating.


 Let me respond to the the word "overreact". In looking for a spouse, everyone has a right to try to find someone that shares their moral values. Those values may be common or uncommon, it does not matter when you are looking for a spouse, because as long as the two parties share those same values, then those values are the correct values for that couple. You are not jealous or insecure to be concerned about those values, and you are not overreacting in enforcing those values. Being true to your values is not overreacting.

In this case the wife lied to hide her values because she decide that she wanted to continue to work alone with the other man, and knew that as former lovers that this was in conflict with the OP's stated views and values. She is a cake eater that wanted to keep the other man in her life, while getting the OP to marry her and help her raise her children by a different man. It is not for her or anyone else to say if her working alone with a former lover should bother the OP or not, because it does bother him, and she knew it would going into the relationship. Also, in light of the wife's trickle truth, the OP should not be called jealous or insecure in suspecting that the wife has not told him the full extent of her relationship with the other man.

With no children of his own, and married only a few weeks, he would not be overreacting in ending the marriage if she does not start telling him the truth, if he does not like what he hears when she tells the truth, or if she does not want to change jobs if he asks her to. He has a right to be married to a person that is truthful to him and really shares his values.


----------



## Sybil's Pet

The foundation of a marriage is trust. It sees a couple/family thorough good times and bad times. Bad times can be hard times with finances, sick kids, death of relatives, illness/injury and all manner of stuff not related to bodily contact and exchange of fluids. 

So, his lying spouse has cracked the foundation and at this stage in a marriage--and even before, the lying preceded "I do." He needs to say "I don't" and get an annulment. Later, they can patch things up if she can be truthful, or she run off with the OM. 

Actions have consequences. Something that all too many people either don't know, don't care about or don't believe in.


----------



## Disenchanted

bandit.45 said:


> I could not think of a worse portent than if an owl and a black cat had sex on top of a broke mirror under a ladder on Friday the 13th.


Now I remember why I like you so much Bandit.45


----------



## Tover26

bryanp said:


> If the roles were reversed would she accept such humiliation and disrespect from you being involved with another former lover like this? Of course not. If you do not respect yourself then who will?


I'm just reading this now... the double standard test tells all. I've also been on TAM a while... the "I got drunk and..." excuse is way over-used; you could almost call it the Sure Sign of Trickle Truth to Come.


----------



## Tover26

Okay, have read. So... 3 years in my marriage, it's Christmas morning. I hear the fire trucks and my daughters scream, "Santa's on the fire truck!" In much haste, we go running outside. Yay! Santa! Fire trucks! Christmas! Woo hooo! 

Behind the fire truck, the paramedics etc come driving along waving and one of them looks at my wife, my wife looks at him and BLAMMO! It was like lightning. In that moment, I turned and looked her straight in the eye and asked, "Who was that?"... oh, an old friend. "Anything happen between you two?"... nope, nothing.

For 3 years, she lied about that.


----------



## theroad

MissFroggie said:


> First, polygraphs do not work. They don't react to lies, they react to changes in your body. These changes can be because of embarrassment, anxiety, fear ... not necessarily a lie. They are also pretty easy to cheat if you know how it works so they're pretty pointless and exactly why we don't use them in court etc in the UK.
> 
> Second, if you're having to consider this kind of action this early into a marriage it really is a BAD sign. Are you going to have her permanently strapped to a polygraph for every conversation?
> 
> He knows she lied to his face, repeatedly, about something she knew was important to him. It could have been sorted out before they got married. If it was a white-lie that got out of hand she should have respected her future husband enough to discuss it and sort it out BEFORE the wedding. If he saw it as a deal-breaker that's the consequence, but lying and lying and lying is just BS and the trust has been broken. She could have told him and then their marriage would have been the fresh start, not even white-lies from here, but she didn't. She dragged the past into the future by being dishonest and untrustworthy. I'd never trust her again


It was not a little white lie.

There is no justification to lying about her OM.

Polygraphs are not used in court in the US of A. Though time and time again they have been effected in getting the truth out of WW's.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

She lied about the OMs level of intimacy.
She lied about the occurrence of sex.
She lied about when it occurred.
She lied about there being anything between the two.

So, if I am following the current line of logic, from some posters, it is all okay because it is all one incident?


----------



## WorkingOnMe

I simply couldn't stay in any relationship where I sit at home every night wondering what they're doing all alone on the night shift. 

If she had told the truth in the beginning, and maybe if I got to know the guy over the years it would be different. But at this point, her quitting would be the only way I could stay.


----------



## bandit.45

I hope OP isn't passed out on the couch from booze.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## JCD

hereinthemidwest said:


> It appears a lot of people feel "A new me" is Raulph wife on this forum. Lets ask Raulph. He would be the person to truly answer this. It appears she posted a lot today and is the only person here defending the actions.


Incorrect. She is one of the few people here saying that THIS lie is not proof positive that she is cheating or that she even has feelings for this clown, despite the constant refrain Trickle Truth Chorus.

Now...she lied BY OMISSION originally, not mentioning this guy she banged. When asked directly by her BF, she lied directly. The question is why.

Instead of getting a why, half the posters want him to shake the dust on his feet right now. Most of the other half want to at least have a talk before they annul her, since they find it hard to think of any reason for her to lie about it (despite having at least one credible alternate theory).

I'm not happy with her actions either. Divorce? Over avoiding being **** shamed and having to quit a job? Hmm...


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

hereinthemidwest said:


> It appears a lot of people feel "A new me" is Raulph wife on this forum. Lets ask Raulph. He would be the person to truly answer this. It appears she posted a lot today and is the only person here defending the actions.


Not me, it was sarcasm in my post. The hypocrisy was cracking me up.


----------



## tom67

JCD said:


> Incorrect. She is one of the few people here saying that THIS lie is not proof positive that she is cheating or that she even has feelings for this clown, despite the constant refrain Trickle Truth Chorus.
> 
> Now...she lied BY OMISSION originally, not mentioning this guy she banged. When asked directly by her BF, she lied directly. The question is why.
> 
> Instead of getting a why, half the posters want him to shake the dust on his feet right now. Most of the other half want to at least have a talk before they annul her, since they find it hard to think of any reason for her to lie about it (despite having at least one credible alternate theory).
> 
> I'm not happy with her actions either. Divorce? Over avoiding being **** shamed and having to quit a job? Hmm...


You are right it's the lies how often we see it's not the affair, the ons, it's the lies that end the marriage. He has to take time and think this through sober.


----------



## lordmayhem

bandit.45 said:


> I hope OP isn't passed out on the couch from booze.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:

Its very hard sometimes to resist the temptation to self medicate with booze.


----------



## hereinthemidwest

Nothing adds up...there is a REASON his gut was screaming to him. AND there was something. He was RIGHT. Why she lie is BS. Just tell him you suck his **** and be done with it. 

I tell you what I THINk... He wasn't AVAILABLE and he made it clear. So she got with Raulph who gave her and her 5 year old security. BET the other Guy's baby's ma'ma doesnt KNOW about them. 

And Raulph wont do a dam thing either, like confront his wifes coworker or ask his soon to be wife. WHY he knows the truth...and the rather TRY TO CONVINCE himself other wise. 

What's he 42 and she's like 12 younger??? Whats to stop her from looking at men 12 years younger then her?


----------



## JCD

hereinthemidwest said:


> What's he 42 and she's like 12 younger??? Whats to stop her from looking at men 12 years younger then her?


Because twenty year old men are poor, immature and generally looking at 16-25 year old women? Unless they can knock off a piece from an older woman, but that isn't a relationship, that's a booty call.

It is very simple, either she is cheating just as most people are saying, but they always seem to see the worst in people.

OR she liked her job, had her own piece of security which she needs (She has a KID) AND...she unfortunately had a bit of stupidity with this guy.

OP is obviously a drinker and he seems to get worked up very easily so she decided not to tell him. She, thinking she was a grown and mature woman, would handle it.

She was wrong in measuring the consequences of her lie.


----------



## The Cro-Magnon

hereinthemidwest said:


> Nothing adds up...there is a REASON his gut was screaming to him. AND there was something. He was RIGHT. Why she lie is BS. Just tell him you suck his **** and be done with it.
> 
> I tell you what I THINk... He wasn't AVAILABLE and he made it clear. So she got with Raulph who gave her and her 5 year old security. BET the other Guy's baby's ma'ma doesnt KNOW about them.
> 
> And Raulph wont do a dam thing either, like confront his wifes coworker or ask his soon to be wife. WHY he knows the truth...and the rather TRY TO CONVINCE himself other wise.
> 
> What's he 42 and she's like 12 younger??? Whats to stop her from looking at men 12 years younger then her?


This. People keep ignoring the fact that ops gut instinct was screaming at him in THE HERE AND NOW. His woman and this male clearly still have something going on between them on whatever level, some connection. Why the FCUK should op be her plan B security option, what, does she ****ing OWN him? Is he her slave? Is he even a real human being to her? She has used him. If he really mattered to her she would LEAP to leave her job, and do anything, to assuage op, and fix their marriage, yet all he gets is trickle truth and navel-gazing crocodile tears.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tom67

The Cro-Magnon said:


> This. People keep ignoring the fact that ops gut instinct was screaming at him in THE HERE AND NOW. His woman and this male clearly still have something going on between them on whatever level, some connection. Why the FCUK should op be her plan B security option, what, does she ****ing OWN him? Is he her slave? Is he even a real human being to her? She has used him. If he really mattered to her she would LEAP to leave her job, and do anything, to assuage op, and fix their marriage, yet all he gets is trickle truth and navel-gazing crocodile tears.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He has become the "beta provider"/babysitter that's my opinion until I hear more from the op.


----------



## hibiscus

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Sorry, she has a child, he would be completely ignorant to think there was no sexual past.


I wasn't talking about the father of her child. I was relating to a ONS she had with a co worker which she is probably very embarrassed about.

Think about it. They got drunk and had sex. She woke up the next morning and thought "Ugh what have I done. I don't even like this guy but the alcohol made me lose my inhibitions".

I think she would rather forget about this incident because it shames her.


----------



## bryanp

Ralph - Are you O.K.?


----------



## workindad

OP any update?


----------



## hibiscus

hibiscus said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_


We will have differing opinions on this. It's to be expected.Personally I don't think the OP should rush into divorce or annulment. He needs to have a heart to heart with his W and find out why she lied. I am sure this can be solved.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bunny23

lordmayhem said:


> This is just the tip of the iceberg. In addition to the above, I would employ a VAR and computer monitoring software. Or I would have her change jobs. The red flags here are they are allegedly past lovers, she lied about their relationship, they work closely together alone, he acts weird around you, AND she continues to call and text him.


Good advice!

Oh and BTW Lordmayhem... I took an Ambien before sitting down to read this thread... you have a BUG as your avatar! I almost smashed my notebook  thought the Ambien was making me see weird things...


----------



## 827Aug

Raulph, I hope you are okay.

This thread has now been cleared of the extensive thread-jack. No more, please!


----------



## Hoosier

That bug isn't real??!! Crap! I am on my third IPad all from having broken screens trying to kill that thing!


----------



## WyshIknew

Well as far as I'm concerned it doesn't matter what interpretation you put on manipulation, lying, intent whatever the fact remains that she lied, repeatedly. And she had regular contact with the person she was lying about.

It may be relatively innocent but how does he know?
He can't just ask her because she has lied already.

Actions from her will speak louder than words.


----------



## tom67

WyshIknew said:


> Well as far as I'm concerned it doesn't matter what interpretation you put on manipulation, lying, intent whatever the fact remains that she lied, repeatedly. And she had regular contact with the person she was lying about.
> 
> It may be relatively innocent but how does he know?
> He can't just ask her because she has lied already.
> 
> Actions from her will speak louder than words.


Exactly
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## larry.gray

Well if Ralph went away and isn't coming back it is all academic.

I hope he's OK.


----------



## Thorburn

The OP's reaction to me at first was over the top. Then I reread it several times before I read all the responces. There is something about "the gut reaction" that seems to ring true so many times here on TAM. 

(IMO) one of the primary reasons for her to lie was that she knew how you were going to react. And it is the lie.

OP - how long have they been working together?

Have you seen the texts or are they deleted?


----------



## TRy

JCD said:


> It is very simple, either she is cheating just as most people are saying, but they always seem to see the worst in people.
> 
> OR she liked her job, had her own piece of security which she needs (She has a KID) AND...she unfortunately had a bit of stupidity with this guy.


 When you say that “she likes her job”, since she works alone in a lab with her former lover, aren’t you really saying that she likes working alone with her former lover? This is not about her needing this job. Changing jobs is really not a big deal if you have a few years to do so, and it is a normal part of what people do in their lifetime. 2008 data shows that the median years that a person stays in one job is 4.1 years, meaning that an average person will have 7-10 jobs in their lifetime. This wife has known for 3 years about this being a serious issue with the OP, and that this would be a much smaller issue if she were to change jobs on her own, but instead of changing jobs, decided that she would just keep lying to the OP. 

The average person will change jobs for less than a 10% pay increase, having an honest marriage should have been worth much more that to her. The number one reason given by people for staying at a job is their coworkers, meaning that it is reasonable to believe that working with her coworker ex-lover is an important factor in the wife not wanting to change jobs. This is not an issue of her lying to feed her family or to not lose the OP. This is an issue of her wanting both the OP and the ex-lover in her daily life. Rather than asking why the wife should have to change jobs, I think the real question is why she has not long ago already changed jobs on her own?


----------



## Chaparral

Wasn't the last thing we heard from the OP that he was getting drunk? He hasn't been heard from since.


----------



## MattMatt

The problem with finding out your spouse is a liar is that how do you know in future when they are telling the truth?

This is an issue the OP and his wife need to address, urgently, in my opinion.


----------



## lenzi

Chaparral said:


> Wasn't the last thing we heard from the OP that he was getting drunk? He hasn't been heard from since.


Not a good sign. He hasn't logged on since he last posted.

Exerpts from his last 3 posts, all made within a few minutes of each other.



raulph said:


> this is crazy what did I do to deserve this





raulph said:


> no. its not good and im drunk and mad





raulph said:


> Life is too short for this


This doesn't sound like it's going to end well.


----------



## Thepoet

She works nights alone with a man she used to have sex with and has been lying to you about it. 

Man, that is NO NO NO NO situation. Get out now!!!!


----------



## carpenoctem

1) She lied about the sex because she did not want to upset her husband-designate, and create a fissure in their budding relationship.

2) She lied about the sex because she wanted to keep the job (presuming they were working together even then).

3) She lied about the sex because she wanted to keep the other man in her life – that too, at such close quarters – at an on-off-at-will distance, with a built-in rationale for physical proximity (work).



Any man of average rationality will accept 1 or 2, *once 3 is ruled out.*

*And as things stand, the onus of proof is on his wife* (because of the previous obfuscation of truth).

Problem is: it is a tough task –to prove that she shared physical space daily with a man she slept with and lied about, without ever rekindling / continuing the intimacy, or even ‘just’ the sex. 

And most labs are not places where there are far too many people to scuttle intimacy.

Such a tough task, that perhaps she should suggest a polygraph *just to prove the point of innocence *(if she is innocent of continued EMR, i.e.,) -- notwithstanding the doubtful veracity of polygraphs, and the inherent vulgarity involved in a husband and wife having to take a polygraph to prove commitment.

*Perhaps.*




*
I hope Raulph is in a better place, and not in a place starting with j, p or h.*


----------



## Disenchanted

Now I realize the double whammy mistake I've made in sleeping with a coworker. I'll have to disclose it to any future LTR partner, which I will. 

Immediately.

I've had a lover since and she knew all about the coworker. That stuff always comes out eventually anyway. Thing is, this coworker and I will never sleep together again, there is nothing left between us there so there is no reason to hide anything.


----------



## WyshIknew

Disenchanted said:


> Now I realize the double whammy mistake I've made in sleeping with a coworker. I'll have to disclose it to any future LTR partner, which I will.
> 
> Immediately.
> 
> I've had a lover since and she knew all about the coworker. That stuff always comes out eventually anyway. Thing is, this coworker and I will never sleep together again, there is nothing left between us there so there is no reason to hide anything.


Exactly, Dis.

My wife always lets me know when we meet one of her exes, it's just common courtesy plus it gives you an immediate heads up on the situation. I do the same.

As soon as you start hiding the truth and get found out your subsequent truths are unbelievable.


----------



## WorkingOnMe

Disenchanted said:


> Thing is, this coworker and I will never sleep together again, there is nothing left between us there so there is no reason to hide anything.


Even so, working alone on a night shift or going on a business trip together would be a deal breaker for many partners. Not that it's going to happen or anything.


----------



## Disenchanted

Even working with a former lover _at all_ could potentially be a deal breaker for some partners. Which is fair I suppose.

I hope she (my former coworking lover) leaves the company soon, lol.

Lesson learned.


----------



## a_new_me

I am a bit surprised that no one has mentioned this, but a lot of companies have strict rules against workers having relationships. 

If these people worked in such an environment, this could also be a valid reason for not saying anything and lying about it. 

If this was the case, both people could lose their jobs.


----------



## Disenchanted

Again, a marriage should be worth more than a job I would think.


----------



## warlock07

back again to threadjack ?


----------



## warlock07

a_new_me said:


> I am a bit surprised that no one has mentioned this, but a lot of companies have strict rules against workers having relationships.
> 
> Of these people worked in such an environment, this could also be a valid reason for not saying anything and lying about it.
> 
> If this was the case, both people could lose their jobs.


The issue was lying to her H, not hiding at the workplace


----------



## TRy

a_new_me said:


> Of these people worked in such an environment, this could also be a valid reason for not saying anything and lying about it.


 A valid reason not to tell friends and others at work, but not a valid reason not to tell your partner or not to change jobs when you had 3 years to do so. What I find interesting is that the husband found out when one of the wife's friends slipped and said something, so not everyone was in the dark. Additionally, as others have learned on this site, few people ever get fired for such actions.


----------



## Thor

[B]carpenoctem[/B] said:


> 1) She lied about the sex because she did not want to upset her husband-designate, and create a fissure in their budding relationship.
> 
> 2) She lied about the sex because she wanted to keep the job (presuming they were working together even then).
> 
> 3) She lied about the sex because she wanted to keep the other man in her life – that too, at such close quarters – at an on-off-at-will distance, with a built-in rationale for physical proximity (work).
> 
> Any man of average rationality will accept 1 or 2, *once 3 is ruled out.*


I must not be a man of average rationality.

None of those rwasons justify lying to one's fiance or husband. Sorry but if you read the words of typical marriage vows it is not acceptable to lie.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## WyshIknew

a_new_me said:


> I am a bit surprised that no one has mentioned this, but a lot of companies have strict rules against workers having relationships.
> 
> If these people worked in such an environment, this could also be a valid reason for not saying anything and lying about it.
> 
> If this was the case, both people could lose their jobs.


But surely not lie to your partner in life? I can understand lying to your workplace but not your partner.


----------



## Thor

Some people believe lies to avoid upsetting a future spouse are acceptable. I will just say the lied to spouse probable won"t agree. My wife's lies of a similar nature are going to result on our divorce 30+ years later. Lying is not harmless. The lie is worse than what is lied about.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## carpenoctem

Thor said:


> I must not be a man of average rationality.
> 
> None of those rwasons justify lying to one's fiance or husband. Sorry but if you read the words of typical marriage vows it is not acceptable to lie.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



True, Thor. This was a lie with serious implications. Definitely a no-no.

I was talking about the crossroads where he stands NOW (now that the lie is said and done), and just postulating which way to turn from THERE.

*Ideally, she should have doused this fire at the beginning, if she wanted to prevent the later assumption that she perhaps wanted it to burn slow.*


----------



## carpenoctem

Thor said:


> *Lying is not harmless. The lie is worse than what is lied about.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


so true.

especially in matters that affect the relationship.


----------



## Decorum

Page 6


raulph said:


> Life is too short for this


Ops last words from page 7.


raulph said:


> no. its not good and im drunk and mad .. I don't get it she is all feeling bad and crying but its all kinda im sorry poor me crap,



Seems unlikely she can recover his respect at this point!

The lie, for whatever reason she employed it, did more damage then the truth ever could. (Assuming its not an ongoing affair)


----------



## bryanp

I think Ralph left the building a long time ago.


----------



## Decorum

bryanp said:


> I think Ralph left the building a long time ago.


Yep, and probably the marriage now too.


----------



## Thor

[B]carpenoctem[/B] said:


> True, Thor. This was a lie with serious implications. Definitely a no-no.
> 
> I was talking about the crossroads where he stands NOW (now that the lie is said and done), and just postulating which way to turn from THERE.
> 
> *Ideally, she should have doused this fire at the beginning, if she wanted to prevent the later assumption that she perhaps wanted it to burn slow.*


OK, now I understand what you were saying. Yes, she has a lot of work now to prove herself. It is nearly impossible to believe a person once they have lied about such a big thing, and so she has a tough job to really convince him what her motivations were.


----------



## Disenchanted

Raulph can you please give us an update? I hope you are doing okay.


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

bfree said:


> There is more. Count on it.


You rang?

Oh, sorry, I saw my name and got excited. :rofl:

I took a break from CWI this summer and only recently started lurking again.

(In case anyone missed me.)


----------



## happyman64

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> You rang?
> 
> Oh, sorry, I saw my name and got excited. :rofl:
> 
> I took a break from CWI this summer and only recently started lurking again.
> 
> (In case anyone missed me.)


Glad you took a rest this summer. Now get back to work.

Or should I say get back to TAM.

Hope your summer was great COunt! 

HM64


----------



## raulph

Im Back and sorry I havent updated in awhile but I needed some time to think, Im still thinking but its getting easier now, 

we had an emotional weekend after my last update and we are trying to work thru this issuse.

the day of my last update I was drinking and upset and then the next morning we had a long talk, the thing that is still bothering me is, that night she called in sick to work because she was scared I was leaving but at 9:30pm the dbag called her, and left a vm and the next day she told me he called and she said he left a vm and she deleted it right away, said he was just asking if he needed to find someone to work with the next night.
I really belive this Woman loves me and this is just something that she lied about in the beging and she just never fixed the lie because she didnt want to deal with the outcome and she is now sorry about it. But my guard is still up and if anything else comes out of this or seems fishing I think I will move on.


----------



## weightlifter

sigh. Seems unlikely. You are setting yourself up.

Keep your radar up sir.

Hope I am wrong.


----------



## warlock07

raulph said:


> Im Back and sorry I havent updated in awhile but I needed some time to think, Im still thinking but its getting easier now,
> 
> we had an emotional weekend after my last update and we are trying to work thru this issuse.
> 
> the day of my last update I was drinking and upset and then the next morning we had a long talk, the thing that is still bothering me is, that night she called in sick to work because she was scared I was leaving but at 9:30pm the dbag called her, and left a vm and the next day she told me he called and she said he left a vm and she deleted it right away, said he was just asking if he needed to find someone to work with the next night.
> I really belive this Woman loves me and this is just something that she lied about in the beging and she just never fixed the lie because she didnt want to deal with the outcome and she is now sorry about it. But my guard is still up and if anything else comes out of this or seems fishing I think I will move on.



Seems weird to delete it. I think you can recover deleted voicemails. Maybe check if it what it is.


----------



## ironman

raulph said:


> I really belive this Woman loves me and this is just something that she lied about in the beging and she just never fixed the lie because she didnt want to deal with the outcome and she is now sorry about it. But my guard is still up and if anything else comes out of this or seems fishing I think I will move on.


Raulph, for god's sake .. at least get her to get another job. Leaving her working there is setting yourself up for failure. Just tell her this is the price of her lie.


----------



## LostViking

Is she willing to quit the job?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## workindad

Has she thanked you for holding up the rug? Tears of joy while she works the broom? 

This will haunt you again. 

Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tom67

First Raulph thanks for the update. She shouldn't have deleted it and have you asked her to work another shift at the very least if not finding another job. Again to gain back your trust why delete the vm ugh!:banghead::banghead:


----------



## jack.c

raulph said:


> Im Back and sorry I havent updated in awhile but I needed some time to think, Im still thinking but its getting easier now,
> 
> we had an emotional weekend after my last update and we are trying to work thru this issuse.
> 
> the day of my last update I was drinking and upset and then the next morning we had a long talk, the thing that is still bothering me is, that night she called in sick to work because she was scared I was leaving but at 9:30pm the dbag called her, and left a vm and the next day she told me he called and she said he left a vm and she deleted it right away, said he was just asking if he needed to find someone to work with the next night.
> I really belive this Woman loves me and this is just something that she lied about in the beging and she just never fixed the lie because she didnt want to deal with the outcome and she is now sorry about it. But my guard is still up and if anything else comes out of this or seems fishing I think I will move on.



:wtf: :nono:


----------



## raulph

Yes she said she would quit, That I meant more than a job ever would.


----------



## Disenchanted

raulph said:


> Yes she said she would quit, That I meant more than a job ever would.


This is good to hear, and is what is needed.


----------



## raulph

tom67 said:


> First Raulph thanks for the update. She shouldn't have deleted it and have you asked her to work another shift at the very least if not finding another job. Again to gain back your trust why delete the vm ugh!:banghead::banghead:


Yes she hasent been working with him since I found out, I have also been taking her diner when I can.


----------



## jack.c

ok.... did you ask quiting job or quiting cheating? 
Sorry if I seem harsh, but I hope that you will be ok!

good luck


----------



## tom67

raulph said:


> Yes she said she would quit, That I meant more than a job ever would.


Now that is good news.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Thorburn

I would ask her not to delete anything.


----------



## barbados

Based on your posts I simply cannot believe they were not having sex. I think you really need to base all further decisions moving forward from this point with that in mind, irregardless of her quitting the job.


----------



## raulph

Im going to sit back and see what happens Im not gonna push the issue im going to kinda let it go and let her dig her own grave and if things dont work out I already have grounds for annulment.


----------



## Catherine602

Why did she delete the VM? Did she let you listen to his other VM's? What did this one contain that she did not want you to hear? Is she still protecting him and decieving you? I can't think of any other way to interpret her actions. Can you? She is not yet being totally open and honest with you. 

She wants to stay married but she cant seem to equate honesty and openess with intimacy. I wonder what other secrets she will keep when she is sure you can not easily get out of the marriage. She acts as if you are easy to decieve when it is fairly easy, on one level, for you to leave. 

Wait till you have kids and a mortgage. I would do a little more investigating if it is important for to know if she has been having sex with him. Perhaps a voice activated device would help you. 

It guess it depends on how important it is for your assessment of her suitability for a LT monogamous relationship with the type of woman who seems to have no problem hiding important info from you . It is not an easy decision. You have to predict the future based on past behavior. At lest you know you are young enough to find a woman who will respect you and be honest. .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Dad&Hubby

raulph said:


> Im going to sit back and see what happens Im not gonna push the issue im going to kinda let it go and let her dig her own grave and if things dont work out I already have grounds for annulment.


The only thing I'd add is to tell her under no conditions is she to delete anything and you want to hear/see everything that comes from him.

She broke trust and needs to earn it back. You don't earn trust simply by saying "sorry, I promise I won't do it again." There needs to be SOME kind of transparency and accountability.


----------



## raulph

I agree with everyone I am very supious of the deleted message, Why would you delete it if the message was just someone asking if they needed to find a replacement for you.

I mean if it was harmless letting me hear it would of helped
calm my nerves. Dose not make sense.


----------



## azteca1986

raulph said:


> I mean if it was harmless letting me hear it would of helped
> calm my nerves. Dose not make sense.


You see it quite often on here. Once caught liars find it hard to come to terms with their new reality; that they are deceitful and therefore untrustworthy.

Whenever they get caught deleting something they shouldn't, they _always_ claim it is something innocent. They never seem to figure that letting you hear an innocent message might actually help re-build trust.

There's only one reason to delete a 'harmless' vm, isn't there?


----------



## a_new_me

raulph said:


> I agree with everyone I am very supious of the deleted message, Why would you delete it if the message was just someone asking if they needed to find a replacement for you.
> 
> I mean if it was harmless letting me hear it would of helped
> calm my nerves. Dose not make sense.


Deleting the message without listening to it probably be a way of her showing how she really does not care about what he has to say and how you are more important.....like her not giving anything about him the time of day.

I am glad that you are trying to work it out.

Her agreeing to quit her job should show you her commitment.


----------



## Disenchanted

a_new_me said:


> Deleting the message without listening to it probably be a way of her showing how she really does not care about what he has to say


She didn't listen to it? :scratchhead:



raulph said:


> she told me he called and she said he left a vm and she deleted it right away, said he was just asking if he needed to find someone to work with the next night


----------



## raulph

a_new_me said:


> Deleting the message without listening to it probably be a way of her showing how she really does not care about what he has to say and how you are more important.....like her not giving anything about him the time of day.
> 
> I am glad that you are trying to work it out.
> 
> Her agreeing to quit her job should show you her commitment.


O she listened to it, she said he just wanted to know if he need to find someone to work for her the next night.

I texted her friend who was saying that she didnt think anything was going on, I asked her if he texted her when she missed work.
Her anwser was she never misses, I also asked my wife why no one else called, like the other ppl who worked that night..


----------



## tom67

Raulph take your time in whatever you decide.


----------



## raulph

Thing is everyone says how all she ever talks about is me or us(me & her), and she even took out a 6k loan for our wedding/honeymoon.
if she was messing around do you really think she would of taken that loan.


----------



## Disenchanted

How difficult would it be for her to actually find another job?


----------



## raulph

Also I told her that friday night that I wanted her to delete him from her phone and no more calls, she was pretty histarical that night, so mabey she freaked when she seen he called and thats why she deleted the VM, Just a thought.


----------



## raulph

Disenchanted said:


> How difficult would it be for her to actually find another job?


Small town so only 1 hospital so not to easy.


----------



## Dyokemm

Raulph,

Chances are she deleted it because this dumba** probably made some disparaging remarks about you and how you are being ridiculous.

She heard that and was terrified that hearing this moron talking smack about you would set you off and escalate the situation.

That would be my best guess as to what happened with the VM.


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER

Why do I feel like I'm watching an old naval war movie... The USS Raulph is in the scope's sight of an enemy sub. Frantic calls are being made to the bridge ***"Torpedoes are heading your way! Take evasive action!***... Nothing happens. The ship steams straight ahead, the torpedoes are closing in... And we all just wait for it.

Raulph, you might want to make sure that your life boats are in order. Good Luck.


----------



## a_new_me

raulph said:


> O she listened to it, she said he just wanted to know if he need to find someone to work for her the next night.
> 
> I texted her friend who was saying that she didnt think anything was going on, I asked her if he texted her when she missed work.
> Her anwser was she never misses, I also asked my wife why no one else called, like the other ppl who worked that night..


Thanks for clarifying that. I post from my phone while I am out and about and do not pay enough attention sometimes. I was watching my daughter do her sports and was back and forth.

Regardless if she listened or not, she still deleted it, seems to not be bothered about him and is putting you first, which are great steps in the right direction!


----------



## movin on

raulph said:


> Thing is everyone says how all she ever talks about is me or us(me & her), and she even took out a 6k loan for our wedding/honeymoon.
> if she was messing around do you really think she would of taken that loan.


Yup
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lenzi

raulph said:


> Thing is everyone says how all she ever talks about is me or us(me & her), and she even took out a 6k loan for our wedding/honeymoon.
> if she was messing around do you really think she would of taken that loan.


Yes, she would. I've read countless stories about people who cheated right up to, before, during, and after the wedding.

Don't make the mistake of applying logic to her actions.

Don't make excuses for her actions.

Don't look for false positive signs.


----------



## raulph

lenzi said:


> Yes, she would. I've read countless stories about people who cheated right up to, before, during, and after the wedding.
> 
> Don't make the mistake of applying logic to her actions.
> 
> Don't make excuses for her actions.
> 
> Don't look for false positive signs.


So always keep the Guard up is what your saying, I am really trying to give her the benefit of the doubt but its not easy,

She even said that are not alone much at work, well her dad was just admitted to the hospital for a knee issue and I had a chance to see the inside of the lab and look at it from a where would you cheat point of view, lets just say it would be very easy to get away with it in that lab.

his wife works at the hospital too Im thinking of hanging out around super time and see if I can run into her get to know her and mention the past to her...


----------



## Decorum

Hi raulph,

Just gonna agree with Lenzi here.
They plan vacations, events, anniversaries, buy houses, right up to the time they are caught.

That does not mean something is going on here.
Just dont get a false sense of security.


----------



## Jasel

raulph said:


> So always keep the Guard up is what your saying, *I am really trying to give her the benefit of the doubt but its not easy*,


This is one thing you should NOT be doing under the current circumstances.


----------



## Decorum

raulph said:


> his wife works at the hospital too Im thinking of hanging out around super time and see if I can run into her get to know her and mention the past to her...


:iagree:

That's brilliant, I wish I would have suggested that.


----------



## 3putt

Jasel said:


> This is one thing you should NOT be doing under the current circumstances.


Agree completely. She has lost the right to the benefit of the doubt with her continued deception, raulph. It's entirely on her to earn that right back. Don't just freely hand it over, because the moment you do, you also had over to her complete control of the situation.

I'll say this as politely as I can; knock it the fvck off. Make her earn anything and everything from here on out.


----------



## raulph

Yeah well I'm am not giving in things aren't the way they were, I remind her of the situation all the time not daily but close, she is working Friday night and she said she was working with a woman who we both know but didn't know who else she was working with, she said she hasn't checked yet to see, but her work schedule is hanging on the wall next to her desk here at home so its obvious who she is working with and its him.


----------



## raulph

Decorum said:


> :iagree:
> 
> That's brilliant, I wish I would have suggested that.


----------



## F-102

raulph said:


> Yeah well I'm am not giving in things aren't the way they were, I remind her of the situation all the time not daily but close, she is working Friday night and she said she was working with a woman who we both know but didn't know who else she was working with, she said she hasn't checked yet to see, but her work schedule is hanging on the wall next to her desk here at home so its obvious who she is working with and its him.


Sounds like she is STILL being deceptive. She knew she was working with him, but decided to play innocent and make like she didn't know.


----------



## raulph

what's sad is I want to believe her and I know she is head over heals for me but she said she lied cause she knew I would leave her if I found out about him, and I would of, I would of called off the wedding until I knew the truth, how could she love both of us, I mean we are really close, that's why its so hard to imagine her messing around.

How can I really know?


----------



## raulph

F-102 said:


> Sounds like she is STILL being deceptive. She knew she was working with him, but decided to play innocent and make like she didn't know.


You are right, how could she not know.


----------



## 3putt

raulph said:


> what's sad is I want to believe her and I know she is head over heals for me but she said she lied cause she knew I would leave her if I found out about him, and I would of, I would of called off the wedding until I knew the truth, how could she love both of us, I mean we are really close, that's why its so hard to imagine her messing around.
> 
> *How can I really know?*


Well, as long as she knows how you feel about this constant contact, along with all the preceding and subsequent lying, I think you DO know. 

If she can't recognize the magnitude of what she's done and leave the job for the sake of her marriage and husband's well being, then what does that tell you?

I can only wonder what her lying would be 20 years down the road.

Dude, we're talking about a one month marriage here, and you're already dealing with this crap. Get out, and never look back.

If you don't, we will see you again on this board sooner rather than later.


----------



## tacoma

raulph said:


> Yeah well I'm am not giving in things aren't the way they were, I remind her of the situation all the time not daily but close, she is working Friday night and she said she was working with a woman who we both know but didn't know who else she was working with, she said she hasn't checked yet to see, but her work schedule is hanging on the wall next to her desk here at home so its obvious who she is working with and its him.


So, she's still lying to you.

:scratchhead:


----------



## raulph

3putt said:


> Well, as long as she knows how you feel about this constant contact, along with all the preceding and subsequent lying, I think you DO know.
> 
> If she can't recognize the magnitude of what she's done and leave the job for the sake of her marriage and husband's well being, then what does that tell you?
> 
> I can only wonder what her lying would be 20 years down the road.
> 
> Dude, we're talking about a one month marriage here, and your already dealing with this crap. Get out, and never look back.
> 
> If you don't, we will see you again on this board sooner rather than later.


I agree I've never seen so many red flags in my life, but I cannot leave just yet I need to secure my financial situation first.


----------



## Catherine602

How about a voice activated recorder in her car or her office if she makes call there.


----------



## tom67

Catherine602 said:


> How about a voice activated recorder in her car or her office if she makes call there.


Yes at least a pen var for her purse:iagree:


----------



## 3putt

raulph said:


> I agree I've never seen so many red flags in my life, but I cannot leave just yet *I need to secure my financial situation first.*


I understand this, and that's fine. I can't imagine it would take too long though, as it's not like we're unraveling a 20 year union with kids and all.

You deserve better than this. Get the finances done, then go and find that something better. I assure you, it's right there for the taking.

Life's too short.


----------



## F-102

Say raulph, what did her friend say to you, the night before the wedding, that you now see as a red flag?


----------



## raulph

tacoma said:


> So, she's still lying to you.
> 
> :scratchhead:


Yes you are right, Thanks.... its funny how you don't see it when you are with the person.


----------



## a_new_me

There are a lot of people on here who have been deeply hurt in relationships and are still not healed.
Please do not take anything that they say at face value.

I agree you should be observant and cautious, but just do not read into little things that really do not matter.

A VAR is a violation of privacy and will destroy any trust she has for you. Yes she lied, and explained and it and you are working through it, but two wrongs do not make a right.

If I was in your situation (which I was sort of actually), I would just confront the other man and tell him that you know about their past, you are not happy with it, and that you and her have agreed that it is in everyone's best interest that the two of them discontinue the friendship or working situation that they have. If not, you feel it necessary to speak with his wife about the past between them because it is not fair that she does not know.
Tell your wife before you do this that you will be doing this because as the "men", you need to come to a "gentleman's agreement". This will ensure that the conversation happens, and will ensure that he knows where you stand....kind of like a dog peeing on a tree......I know, bad example.
Do it away from work to not bring the drama into the work place.

After this is done, just check for any suspicious behaviour.....however I will tell you that if she is kissing you, having sex with you, cuddling you, telling you she loves you and has that look in her eyes for you, she is not screwing anyone else.


----------



## raulph

F-102 said:


> Say raulph, what did her friend say to you, the night before the wedding, that you now see as a red flag?


Well me and my soon to be wife and her bf from uofi and her bf were all sitting on this hill over looking the lake sharing a bottle of wine and her friend said to me It nice to finally meet you Ive heard so much about you for 3 years, and I said oh yeah what have you heard, and she replied " well lets see first it was omg im dating one of my students, and then I said that's not me must of been someone else, and my wife got all quiet and you could tell she was mad . but I left I was like **** this im gonna go hang with my friends at the pool her friend was fat and ugly and I did not want to be around her


----------



## jnj express

If your wife wants her mge---she needs to call in sick, and request a transfer, to some other dept, and at a different time slot, than this guy---she must go NC, and be completely open about it---otherwise, you should have no problem walking----

Its now on her to suggest, and then perform all the heavy lifting to attempt to save this mge


----------



## tom67

He can put a var on her person I don't think it would be wise to put one in her office from a legal stand point.


----------



## tom67

theroad said:


> A VAR is not a violation of anything.
> 
> A lying spouse has no ride to privacy. Their actions have shown that they can not be trusted.


No secrets in a marriage


----------



## JCD

azteca1986 said:


> You see it quite often on here. Once caught liars find it hard to come to terms with their new reality; that they are deceitful and therefore untrustworthy.
> 
> Whenever they get caught deleting something they shouldn't, they _always_ claim it is something innocent. They never seem to figure that letting you hear an innocent message might actually help re-build trust.
> 
> There's only one reason to delete a 'harmless' vm, isn't there?


I tend to automatically delete inconsequential VMs. That this is a CONSEQUENTIAL VM might not have occurred to her...or she could be hiding something.

Or she could have thought that Hubby, already fragile, would go off the deep end hearing his voice and deleted it...but then regretted deleting it and told her husband anyway.

Lots of 'reasons' if you use a bit of imagination.


----------



## 3putt

Nucking Futs said:


> It's a shame you didn't learn anything from it.


She didn't because she was the giver of the pain, not the receiver.

That post has the wayward wife mentality written all over it, not the BS's .


----------



## azteca1986

JCD said:


> I tend to automatically delete inconsequential VMs. That this is a CONSEQUENTIAL VM might not have occurred to her...or she could be hiding something.
> 
> Or she could have thought that Hubby, already fragile, would go off the deep end hearing his voice and deleted it...but then regretted deleting it and told her husband anyway.
> 
> Lots of 'reasons' if you use a bit of imagination.


It remains to be seen if this was from an AP, I'll grant you.

That the vm was from a former lover that she and not been honest about, the root of the stress that their marriage is under now, makes it a CONSEQUENTIAL VM. Deleting it is just another bad choice (in a whole series from her).

It makes her either duplicitous, thick or lacking in any kind of empathy for the OP.

All firing offences in my book. YMMV.


----------



## JCD

azteca1986 said:


> It remains to be seen if this was from an AP, I'll grant you.
> 
> That the vm was from a former lover that she and not been honest about, the root of the stress that their marriage is under now, makes it a CONSEQUENTIAL VM. Deleting it is just another bad choice (in a whole series from her).
> 
> It makes her either duplicitous, thick or lacking in any kind of empathy for the OP.
> 
> All firing offences in my book. YMMV.


I think that if most marriages ended when one or the other was stupid, insensitive or callous, the Divorce rate would be much higher than it already is.


----------



## aug

raulph said:


> Well me and my soon to be wife and her bf from uofi and her bf were all sitting on this hill over looking the lake sharing a bottle of wine and her friend said to me It nice to finally meet you Ive heard so much about you for 3 years, and I said oh yeah what have you heard, and she replied *" well lets see first it was omg im dating one of my students*, and then I said that's not me must of been someone else, and my wife got all quiet and you could tell she was mad . but I left I was like **** this im gonna go hang with my friends at the pool her friend was fat and ugly and I did not want to be around her




Well, that's not good. This statement in itself showed that she had a long term interest in the OM, and the ONS in cheater speak really means they did have sex more than once.


----------



## JCD

3putt said:


> And we all now know why.


Her hands aren't exactly clean with the generic dismissal but you are starting to make a few mud pies of your own.

Just a word to the wise who 'learn things'.


----------



## illwill

Figure out your real dealbreakers. Not the ones you think you have.


----------



## JCD

aug said:


> Well, that's not good. This statement in itself showed that she had a long term interest in the OM, and the ONS in cheater speak really means they did have sex more than once.


Um...first off, that's sort of cynical.

But this puts a very interesting slant on things. It adds depth to the situation.

SHE apparently was DATING one of her students (the OM one assumes?). That is a HUGE no no in teaching terms, even with consenting adults. So hiding this fact was necessary and separate from her relationship with her husband. She might not have told him in case he told anyone else, destroying her career. She could have gotten in trouble while she was doing it, and even after it was 'done' it would have stained her credibility enough that she would have taken a professional hit to know that she 'dated' or whatever her student.


----------



## azteca1986

JCD said:


> I think that if most marriages ended when one or the other was stupid, insensitive or callous, the Divorce rate would be much higher than it already is.


So be it. Those are all good reasons. This marriage is just over ONE MONTH old. It would not be a divorce. It would be an annulment, which is perfectly reasonable for a 'marriage' built on a three year lie. She still lies about her schedule with the ex-lover (at best). The prognosis is not good.


----------



## tom67

azteca1986 said:


> So be it. Those are all good reasons. This marriage is just over ONE MONTH old. It would not be a divorce. It would be an annulment, which is perfectly reasonable for a 'marriage' built on a three year lie. She still lies about her schedule with the ex-lover (at best). The prognosis is not good.


:iagree::iagree:


----------



## 3putt

JCD said:


> Her hands aren't exactly clean with the generic dismissal but you are starting to make a few mud pies of your own.
> 
> Just a word to the wise who 'learn things'.


I'm not slinging mud here, just pointing out the obvious to all but the very few who do not see it themselves.

(and I'm betting very few don't, hence, the responses)

It's not rocket science to recognize this mentality...especially in this hellhole of betrayal.


----------



## Disenchanted

Raulph,

I got on piece of advice to give you above everything else.

Don't have children with this woman.

Ever.


----------



## tom67

Disenchanted said:


> Raulph,
> 
> I got on piece of advice to give you above everytrhing else.
> 
> Don't have children with this woman.
> 
> Ever.


Raulph read his story and his pain just a perspective.


----------



## Shaggy

Ignoring the thread jack...


So she has a friend that you never met before the wedding stuff, but the friend is close enough to know about who she has been dating, and it wasn't you!!

At this point I think there's more than the one lie in your world. You've got the guy she works with, and now another guy who was a student of hers.

Your wife has been extremely selective in what she's revealed to you about herself, while at the same time she's had a very very active dating life involving those around her.

Myself I wouldn't be ok with her actual lies, and lies by omission. Both are deceitful, and betrayals of trust.

Your wife is not acting with integrity or loyalty to you.


----------



## JCD

Let's break this down.

Her GF said that she was dating a student. If this was the OM, this tells us two things.

First, that she would have been in big trouble if her superiors caught her in such a relationship (possibly) She has a motive quite outside of her husband to keep this as quiet and secret as possible. Not telling her husband may (MAY) have been part and parcel of her generic 'I am never going to admit this happened' policy.

But second, if it was DATING...that isn't a drunken ONS. There needs to be a bit of clarification here by the OP on exactly what this relationship actually was. Her GF didn't hear about a ONS. She heard about DATING.

This is a red flag. I won't deny it.

Next up, she's still in shock about how badly things are going. So I personally think she's making a lot of dumb moves. Understating her schedule. (We don't know if the schedule has changed. A new me raised a good point here. BUT...in a one horse town with one hospital, there may not be a lot of options as far as shifting, transfers or other people she can work with.) This also needs to be clarified.

This is fiscal reality outside of TAM desires and protocols. Folks, deal with it! Those just tossing out the advice that she needs to quit tomorrow are being VERY irresponsible unless they are personally willing to send money and food to these people and their children to live on. Not cracking open your wallet? Didn't think so. 

:soapbox: Getting off the soapbox now.

Next up is the wife. No, not his wife. The OTHER wife. How long has the coworker been married? If it's more than three years, the OPs wife has GREAT reason to keep her mouth shut about this relationship she had, ONS or dating. It's a strong motive to NOT rock the boat on HIS marriage. Because of shame. Because she did harm to his marriage. Because even if it was before he was married, she didn't need to cause his wife anxiety.

There are a lot of motives for her to keep her mouth shut outside of just 'she's protecting her OM so they can do the nasty'.

AND...she can be in love with her hubby right now. That is all the past. But as is so often the case, the past comes back and bites you in the ass when you are least expecting it. It doesn't help that she hung her ass out there with some lies so it could sink it's teeth in DEEP.

OP, tell her no deleting anything. Be realistic about money. Ask her to transfer. Start to show up randomly. Let her know that SHE caused this level of distrust and it's up to her to be pure as the driven snow.

This is all based on the idea you might want to keep her. I'd give it a try.

if you want to dump her, lie to her, get a job and be on your way as soon as you have two nickels to rub together.

Why doesn't that sound exactly upstanding and moral?

Oh well.


----------



## lenzi

JCD said:


> LNext up is the wife. No, not his wife. The OTHER wife. How long has the coworker been married? If it's more than three years, the OPs wife has GREAT reason to keep her mouth shut about this relationship she had, ONS or dating.


Why does it matter if it was 3 years?

Seems arbitrary.


----------



## JCD

lenzi said:


> Why does it matter if it was 3 years?
> 
> Seems arbitrary.


No. If he was married or seriously dating/engaged when they had their night of drunken bliss, it is VERY significant. If she has any moral sense, she doesn't want to destroy his marriage.


----------



## Disenchanted

tom67 said:


> Raulph read his story and his pain just a perspective.


This is the one Tom is talking about:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/55934-my-wife-has-completely-destroyed-me.html


----------



## tom67

Disenchanted said:


> This is the one Tom is talking about:
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/55934-my-wife-has-completely-destroyed-me.html


Yep.


----------



## EleGirl

azteca1986 said:


> So be it. Those are all good reasons. This marriage is just over ONE MONTH old. It would not be a divorce. It would be an annulment, which is perfectly reasonable for a 'marriage' built on a three year lie. She still lies about her schedule with the ex-lover (at best). The prognosis is not good.


What would be the grounds for an annulment?


----------



## EleGirl

raulph said:


> what's sad is I want to believe her and I know she is head over heals for me but she said she lied cause she knew I would leave her if I found out about him, and I would of, I would of called off the wedding until I knew the truth, how could she love both of us, I mean we are really close, that's why its so hard to imagine her messing around.
> 
> How can I really know?


What makes you think she loves the both of you? 

I thought that she has only admitted to have a ONS with him.


----------



## aug

JCD said:


> Um...first off, that's sort of cynical.
> 
> But this puts a very interesting slant on things. It adds depth to the situation.
> 
> SHE apparently was DATING one of her students (the OM one assumes?). That is a HUGE no no in teaching terms, even with consenting adults. So hiding this fact was necessary and separate from her relationship with her husband. She might not have told him in case he told anyone else, destroying her career. She could have gotten in trouble while she was doing it, and even after it was 'done' it would have stained her credibility enough that she would have taken a professional hit to know that she 'dated' or whatever her student.



Except she told others, like her friend for example, but not her fiance/husband.

Interestingly enough, her friend who knew had assumed that OP knew.


----------



## user_zero

to Disenchanted and others,

this a_new_me (Thanks_for_the_censor_1) whoever she is , she enjoys engaging people , fighting , proving everyone they are wrong. actually her style is similar to that canuckprincess character. I'm going to give you all the same advice I said to that thread : Don't engage her and she fades away. don't waste your energy on her.

I hope I didn't make a sworn enemy this time. 

to the OP: there is more to what your wife is revealing to you. at this point she might have been cheating on you or not. I think the important question is : even if she didn't cheat on you , we know that she lied to you ... didn't give the full awareness to make YOUR choice regarding relationship. and that's a big disrespect. would you able to look past this and continue this relationship knowing that or not? whatever you choose good luck.


----------



## illwill

It's not a lie of omission if he asked her directly. Also you minimize the lie when the op says he would not have married her if he knew. She took the ability for him to make a informed life decision.


----------



## JCD

illwill said:


> It's not a lie of omission if he asked her directly. Also you minimize the lie when the op says he would not have married her if he knew. She took the ability for him to make a informed life decision.


Stipulated. So...he wouldn't have married her because before he knew her, she slept with someone she still knows and sees.

We all have our criteria. I would think twice and talk a lot.

But that is me. I certainly didn't go from lie=current infidelity in .3 seconds. As I've pointed out, there were a LOT of reasons outside of infidelity for her to act as she has.

It's his choice. I'd certainly be wary if I were him.


----------



## Will_Kane

Raulph,

I think it's premature to decide to divorce or annul just yet.

Your wife is a proven liar. Her most recent one that you posted was about her not knowing who she was scheduled to work with on Friday night. It's posted up by her desk. MAYBE the schedule changed, but if so, she would have said "I WAS scheduled to work with other man but it was changed (or might be changed, or I'm trying to get it changed).

Before that, you have the deleted voicemail from the other man.

You also visited the room where they work together, sometimes alone, and saw for yourself how easy it would be to cheat.

Before that, you have the source of this whole debacle, all of the lying about a drunken ONS and repeated lies about never sleeping with him, your suspicions being based partially on your gut feeling that there was something between her and other man, based on other man's smug, smirky behavior when you visited.

Bottom line, to me, she has kept a secret that was just between her and the other man (and maybe some others, like friends, but NOT YOU). So, she has a secret with another man about sex she had with him. Between her and him, there are no secrets. The secret only is kept from you.

There is a lot going on here. In my opinion, too much to be just coincidence. But, whatever it is, it has been for a while, and you just are finding out about it now.

Your wife agreed to leave her job, and she agreed to it quickly - that is a very positive sign - assuming that she didn't just agree to it to shut you up and doesn't actually plan to do it when push comes to shove.

I suggest you do the following:

1. Sit down for another talk with your wife and tell her how much you love her, but her lies have shaken you and your trust in her to the core.

2. Come up with a plan for her to leave that job. For example, she starts looking for another job today. She tells you every single day what she has done that day to find another job. Not knowing your location and what you are willing to do, it's hard to give much advice here, but come up with a realistic deadline for finding another job (a month? three months?) and what you will do if the time limit expires (she just quits? you move to another city?).

3. Get all passwords and access to all your wife's computers, phones, accounts, etc. Tell your wife "no more deleting." If she needs anything deleted, you will do it. Tell her that if you had been able to hear other man's message was just work-related, it would have helped you believe her. As it is, with her deleting it, it just caused more doubt.

4. Talk to the other man's wife. Tell her that your wife lied to you about having had sex with other man. Tell her that the fact that they still work together combined with the lie combined with a "gut feeling" you have had for some time has made you suspicious, and ask her if she has any knowledge or suspicion of anything going on between them. Don't tell your wife you are going to do this, just do it.

5. Put a voice-activated recorder in your wife's car and in the house where she is likely to talk on the phone when you are not around. If nothing comes up, good. If something does come up on the VAR, then at least you get the truth. Give it about three weeks.

Do all of this, wait about three weeks, then re-assess. If this is an active affair, it has been going on for a long time. If she is just covering up a lie from the past, you will have to decide how much the current lying to cover up the past bothers you. In any event, waiting three more weeks to see if anything else comes up is a drop in the bucket compared to how long you've lived with the lies so far.


----------



## EleGirl

JCD said:


> No. If he was married or seriously dating/engaged when they had their night of drunken bliss, it is VERY significant. If she has any moral sense, she doesn't want to destroy his marriage.


He was not married 3 or more years ago. He's engaged now as I recall.

This friends of the OP's wife, she seemed to be confused as she did not even have her stories straight. She thought that Ralph as the guy. What she was talking about happened over 3 years ago... it seems to me that her friend only knew that she was dating someone over 3 years ago. He could have clarified things on the spot by talking more to her friend. But the friend was fat and ugly, so the engaged Raulph would not talk to her. So now he's left with an imagination that going full time.


----------



## Will_Kane

EleGirl said:


> But the friend was fat and ugly, so the engaged Raulph would not talk to her.


That comment bothers me as well.


----------



## F-102

I get the feeling that raulph is drunk when he posts...

...and he sounds like a mean drunk.


----------



## Thor

raulph said:


> what's sad is I want to believe her and I know she is head over heals for me but she said she lied cause she knew I would leave her if I found out about him, and I would of, I would of called off the wedding until I knew the truth, how could she love both of us, I mean we are really close, that's why its so hard to imagine her messing around.
> 
> How can I really know?


Raulph, I am you 31 years in the future. My wife hid things and deceived me from the beginning. She has told me recently she did this intentionally because she feared what I would do with the information. Meaning, she feared I would call off the wedding.

What has she done for the last 31 years? She has reverted to that same template whenever anything difficult or potentially controversial has come up in our marriage. Rather than deal with issues, she has hidden facts or deceived me of the true situation. 

This is what your wife's template consists of. It is her ground rules of engagement in a relationship. It is OK in her mind to deceive you and lie to you _if it furthers her selfish goal_. This is the content of your wife's character.

If I were you, I would leave the marriage. No kids, only a few short weeks into the marriage. But, if you don't want to do that, I would insist on her getting therapy to fully understand why she did this. She has to demonstrate to you that she understands why this was so wrong on a fundamental level, and that she has changed. Perhaps it means she gets IC and then you both get MC with a different counselor who is aware of the IC in a general way.

To me, your wife is exhibiting a deep character flaw. This was not a simple omission on her part, this was a calculated sequence of deceptions, which she has then minimized after being discovered.


----------



## carpenoctem

*Raulph:* Hello.

You are told that many BSs come here and project their anger towards their own WSs here.

While you factor in that probability, please also factor in:

WSs also seem to come here and project their anger / frustration (anger at their BSs for not forgiving them easily, for not fully buying their rationale for straying from marriage, for not ‘getting over it already’, for not allowing them to forget their shame and just move on (by occasional / frequent reminders, and by not covering up their – the BS’s -- sense of victimhood well enough and acting ‘normal’), and so on.

So, internalizing both standpoints, and taking a middle path, seems logical.



*But remember that you have to balance your ‘objectivity’ with your potential vulnerability (to further deception).

*Remember that this might not be the time in your life to be ‘noble’ / a bigger man. This is when you should get down to your fundamental anthropological male self, and do justice to HIM – Whatever that means to you.



*Unfortunately, as things stand, you might have to choose between doing her wrong, and doing yourself wrong. *Tough choice.

So it might be better to wait until you are a little more sure that neither wrong is committed.

- as many others are suggesting.


----------



## raulph

[B]carpenoctem[/B] said:


> *Raulph:* Hello.
> 
> Many BSs come here and project their anger towards their own WSs here. Okay.
> 
> Please note that WSs also seem to come here and project their anger / frustration (anger at their BSs for not forgiving them easily, for not fully buying their rationale for straying from marriage, for not ‘getting over it already’, for not allowing them to forget their shame and just move on (by occasional / frequent reminders, and by not covering up their – the BS’s -- sense of victimhood well enough and acting ‘normal’), and so on.
> 
> So, internalizing both standpoints, and taking a middle path, seems logical.
> 
> *But remember that you have to balance your ‘objectivity’ with your potential vulnerability (to further deception).*
> 
> Remember that this might not be the time in your life to be ‘noble’ / a bigger man. This is when you should get down to your fundamental anthropological male self, and do justice to HIM – Whatever that means to you.
> 
> *Unfortunately, as things stand, you might have to choose between doing her wrong, and doing yourself wrong. *Tough choice.
> 
> So it might be better to wait until you are a little more sure that neither wrong is committed.
> 
> - as many others are suggesting.


Thanks for the words of wisdom.


----------



## raulph

a_new_me said:


> There are a lot of people on here who have been deeply hurt in relationships and are still not healed.
> Please do not take anything that they say at face value.
> 
> I agree you should be observant and cautious, but just do not read into little things that really do not matter.
> 
> A VAR is a violation of privacy and will destroy any trust she has for you. Yes she lied, and explained and it and you are working through it, but two wrongs do not make a right.
> 
> If I was in your situation (which I was sort of actually), I would just confront the other man and tell him that you know about their past, you are not happy with it, and that you and her have agreed that it is in everyone's best interest that the two of them discontinue the friendship or working situation that they have. If not, you feel it necessary to speak with his wife about the past between them because it is not fair that she does not know.
> Tell your wife before you do this that you will be doing this because as the "men", you need to come to a "gentleman's agreement". This will ensure that the conversation happens, and will ensure that he knows where you stand....kind of like a dog peeing on a tree......I know, bad example.
> Do it away from work to not bring the drama into the work place.
> 
> After this is done, just check for any suspicious behaviour.....however I will tell you that if she is kissing you, having sex with you, cuddling you, telling you she loves you and has that look in her eyes for you, she is not screwing anyone else.


Thanks for this...


----------



## Shaggy

[B]carpenoctem[/B] said:


> *Raulph:* Hello.
> 
> Many BSs come here and project their anger towards their own WSs here. Okay.
> 
> Please note that WSs also seem to come here and project their anger / frustration (anger at their BSs for not forgiving them easily, for not fully buying their rationale for straying from marriage, for not ‘getting over it already’, for not allowing them to forget their shame and just move on (by occasional / frequent reminders, and by not covering up their – the BS’s -- sense of victimhood well enough and acting ‘normal’), and so on.
> 
> So, internalizing both standpoints, and taking a middle path, seems logical.
> 
> *But remember that you have to balance your ‘objectivity’ with your potential vulnerability (to further deception).*
> 
> Remember that this might not be the time in your life to be ‘noble’ / a bigger man. This is when you should get down to your fundamental anthropological male self, and do justice to HIM – Whatever that means to you.
> 
> *Unfortunately, as things stand, you might have to choose between doing her wrong, and doing yourself wrong. *Tough choice.
> 
> So it might be better to wait until you are a little more sure that neither wrong is committed.
> 
> - as many others are suggesting.


Just to point out - that any argument that begins by questioning and belittling the motivations of the other party , is usually not to be trusted.

It's a classic bad debaters approach. Instead of making their point and backing up why their point is logically valued, they attack the proposer of the counter view, and by extension use that as the reason why their point is valid.

So be careful when accepting advice that starts off lie that, its usually means a couple of things:

1. The person using the bad debating technique, usually has a personal agenda and motivation they do not want to reveal

2. The argument they are making does actually stand up on its own.


----------



## workindad

Your wife needs to repair the trust she has damaged if you are to have a successful marriage. Secrets are a cancer to a marriage. 

Be cautious accepting advice to not follow thru or check up on your wife. Posters like that have agendas of their own, could be cheaters them-self or desperate rug sweepers. 

Then again we all have our own bias based on life experiences.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tom67

workindad said:


> Your wife needs to repair the trust she has damaged if you are to have a successful marriage. Secrets are a cancer to a marriage.
> 
> Be cautious accepting advice to not follow thru or check up on your wife. Posters like that have agendas of their own, could be cheaters them-self or desperate rug sweepers.
> 
> Then again we all have our own bias based on life experiences.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yep I would trust but verify.


----------



## theroad

raulph said:


> Thanks for the words of wisdom.





raulph said:


> Thanks for this...


Your ability to judge good from bad advice scares the manure out of me.


----------



## ironman

Raulph,

Given your wife's history of deception, you'd have to be crazy not to be monitoring her at this point. Anything less is setting yourself up for failure.


----------



## hereinthemidwest

I want to calm your nerves. Thou I believe everyone deserves to know the truth. We can not make desicons about our lives unless we know. 

Keep you guard up. My husband would say, I didn't answer her call. BUT the call was deleted. I got on the cell bill and seen he talked to her 2 hrs! Plus he wanted to renew our wedding vows that year. And he gave me 2.5 c diamond ring cost 5300.00 too. I still scratch my head over that one. WOW I was sooo dumb!


----------



## Decorum

Shaggy said:


> Just to point out - that any argument that begins by questioning and belittling the motivations of the other party , is usually not to be trusted.
> 
> It's a classic bad debaters approach. Instead of making their point and backing up why their point is logically valued, they attack the proposer of the counter view, and by extension use that as the reason why their point is valid.
> 
> So be careful when accepting advice that starts off lie that, its usually means a couple of things:
> 
> 1. The person using the bad debating technique, usually has a personal agenda and motivation they do not want to reveal
> 
> 2. The argument they are making does actually stand up on its own.



Good points Shaggy, some OP's lean toward denial or the passive nice guy approach, and others toward the full exposure, blow it up approach.

OP's often tend to like what is their native tendency.

The question here is not what posters from each camp think, but has he done enough to get the truth, to reveal her true character and the nature of her relationship with the other man. And then what are his best options in light of these.

To put proper safeguards in place, to rebuild trust and intimacy, or to cut his losses, and flee a train wreck before it happens.

At this point 21 pages into his thread all I am sure about is that his wife lied to him, has shown him enormous disrespect, said she is willing to leave the job ,and seems to want to keep the marriage.

Also what is not clear to me is what her relationship with the other man was (before the wedding and recently), is this type of lying her M.O. or is it unusual, is she a cake eater, did she like keeping her friendship with OM, or was she stuck

Also what does the Op need in order to feel like this has been thoroughly dealt with, to his satisfaction, so that *they* can move on or *he* can move on.

Personally I am not interesting in other peoples posts as much as I am in what is the OP clear about! 

I realize that some points of view may promote unwarranted speculation while others may disarm his efforts at truth gathering and proper vigilance.

If the Op knows what he still needs to find out he can pursue that.

(Btw Shaggy I have written nothing here as a criticism of your post, I am just using it as a springboard to ask my questions, and yes focus attention on what the Op is sure of, and ask how best to get where he needs to be.)


----------



## tom67

Personally I am not interesting in other peoples posts as much as I am in what is the OP clear about! Decorum that is a good point.


----------



## Disenchanted

I have been a little bothered and even slightly amused by some of the advice and sidetracking that has gone on in this thread, sorry for my part in that Raulph. I'm trying to not add to that stuff but I really have got to say this.

FFS you will gain nothing by talking to her (ex) lover.

Talk about emasculating yourself. That is probably the worst advice I have ever heard on this forum.


----------



## raulph

ironman said:


> Raulph,
> 
> Given your wife's history of deception, you'd have to be crazy not to be monitoring her at this point. Anything less is setting yourself up for failure.


Yes I am watching her, I at random had her log into her email and wrk email and she also gave me her cell phone website username and password so I could check phone records, she also agreed to take a polygraph.


----------



## raulph

Disenchanted said:


> I have been a little bothered and even slightly amused by some of the advice and sidetracking that has gone on in this thread, sorry for my part in that Raulph. I'm trying to not add to that stuff but I really have got to say this.
> 
> FFS you will gain nothing by talking to her (ex) lover.
> 
> Talk about emasculating yourself. That is probably the worst advice I have ever heard on this forum.


I agree I will not do that.


----------



## bandit.45

raulph said:


> Yes I am watching her, I at random had her log into her email and wrk email and she also gave me her cell phone website username and password so I could check phone records, she also agreed to take a polygraph.


Lets make it clear. You know this is not a normal honeymoon, right Raulph? This should be a time of love and laughter and banging like rabbits. Instead she has served you up a sh!t sandwich with her incessant lies. 

Is this really the kind of person you want to spend your life with?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Shaggy

I don't think this is a dumper her and move on moment, but it is very much a defining moment in your relationship.

Very clearly she has been following a careful plan of only telling you what she though was best for her for you to know.

And now it's blown up in her face.

The path forward here is to get her to change this forever. Come clean about the past and stay that way forever.


----------



## raulph

bandit.45 said:


> Lets make it clear. You know this is not a normal honeymoon, right Raulph? This should be a time of love and laughter and banging like rabbits. Instead she has served you up a sh!t sandwich with her incessant lies.
> 
> Is this really the kind of person you want to spend your life with?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well we have been banging like rabbits...Im not gonna let this get in the way.. I have made it very clear that if anything else comes out I am gone. and yes she did serve me a **** sandwich wich could of been taken care of a long time ago..Cant always focus on the neg.


----------



## raulph

Shaggy said:


> I don't think this is a dumper her and move on moment, but it is very much a defining moment in your relationship.
> 
> Very clearly she has been following a careful plan of only telling you what she though was best for her for you to know.
> 
> And now it's blown up in her face.
> 
> The path forward here is to get her to change this forever. Come clean about the past and stay that way forever.


:iagree:You are right, I dont think this is a dump her time, it could very well be if anything else come out, and she knows she was very selfish by not telling me and she admits that.

"Tell me no lies make me a happy man" <-- my new moto from ledz


----------



## youkiddingme

I have not read all the way through here. So, I just want to add that she needs to change jobs immediately and agree to no contact with this dude. Clearly she has a relationship with him that needs to end immediately.


----------



## JCD

I would once again offer amnesty. A one time gift to clear the air. Everything out or it's hasta la vista, baby!

Probably the best way to do this is with a counselor. A GOOD counselor. If she works in a hospital as you say, she has ENORMOUS health care benefits, probably including counseling just to keep them busy.

Why not take advantage of that? Let her get the information out to a third party, you discuss YOUR issues with them...and allow the information to come out in a non 'binge drinking' inducing manner. Get the whole truth...but you don't need to eat the sandwich all in one bite.

It worked with my spouse and I. Hard topics we tackled eventually...but we didn't do it all in one discussion.


----------



## TRy

raulph said:


> I have made it very clear that if anything else comes out I am gone.


 With that statement right there, you have guaranteed that she will not tell you anything. If you want a chance at knowing the truth, and want to start over with a fresh start, you may want to give her an oportuinty to confess. Tell her that over the next 30 minutes anything that she confesses to you will be looked at by you with a forgiving heart, and that after that this will go away. Then tell her that you are starting a recorder and will keeping it going for the next 30 minutes, for her to either use or waste this opportunity to start fresh. Pick a time when you both can talk and be nice and calm.


----------



## warlock07

Make it a couple of days instead of 30 mins


----------



## doubletrouble

WorkingOnMe said:


> Even so, working alone on a night shift or going on a business trip together would be a deal breaker for many partners. Not that it's going to happen or anything.


It is in W's and my relationship. She always wants to come with me (she's a SAHW) and I've never cheated on her.


----------



## Entropy3000

raulph said:


> I just found out that a guy my new wife works with was once a fling, we have been together for 3 years and we just got married a month ago,
> I have asked her if there was anything between her and this guy before because of the way he acts when I am around, she always says no I have never had anything to do with him, she swore. Ive asked her more than on one occasion during our time together and she aways says no.
> the night before our wedding her friend made a comment about something and I kinda put two and two together and 3 weeks later asked her again and once more she denied it, then she said they just went out and it meant nothing, then I kept asking and she finally admitted they slept together when they were drunk.
> They work alone together at night in a hospital same room. Should I be pissed, I mean she lied to me her husband and she continued to lie, I even asked her on the night before our wedding if there was anything she wanted to tell me and of course she said no.
> 
> Who wouldn't be upset about this.
> 
> I understand the past is the past but This is not part of her past when she is still seeing this guy at work and textin and calling him.
> 
> Im not sure if I can get passed this. I hate liars, the first month of marriage and this comes out, it should of came out before we were married she had plenty of time to come clean.
> 
> What would you do?
> 
> I should mention they did the deed over 5 years ago. so she says


Relatively an old thread. Have not read the rest. This might even be a dealbreaker for me. Realize I put a high value on not being lied to. 

In any event I would not be ok with her having any contact with him whatsoever. Certainly not working alone. And besides she is now a know liar to you. So I would not believe her now. You got trickle truthed. Probably a lot more to all of this.


-----------

Ok I made it halfway through. Anyway, if this was not a dealbreaker for me I would not be ok with her working with the guy. Good luck.


----------



## bfree

*Re: Re: Wife or 3 weeks caught in a bad lie*



JCD said:


> I would once again offer amnesty. A one time gift to clear the air. Everything out or it's hasta la vista, baby!
> 
> Probably the best way to do this is with a counselor. A GOOD counselor. If she works in a hospital as you say, she has ENORMOUS health care benefits, probably including counseling just to keep them busy.
> 
> Why not take advantage of that? Let her get the information out to a third party, you discuss YOUR issues with them...and allow the information to come out in a non 'binge drinking' inducing manner. Get the whole truth...but you don't need to eat the sandwich all in one bite.
> 
> It worked with my spouse and I. Hard topics we tackled eventually...but we didn't do it all in one discussion.


Great idea!


----------



## Hortensia

I have trouble believing this is an ex, as I have trouble believing it was a one time only. If so, why would she still call and text him, work alone in a room with him and lie to you about their relationship? 
Smells like putrid fish here....can you obtain an annulment?


----------



## Thorburn

*Originally Posted by a_new_me 
There are a lot of people on here who have been deeply hurt in relationships and are still not healed.
Please do not take anything that they say at face value.

I agree you should be observant and cautious, but just do not read into little things that really do not matter.

A VAR is a violation of privacy and will destroy any trust she has for you. Yes she lied, and explained and it and you are working through it, but two wrongs do not make a right.

If I was in your situation (which I was sort of actually), I would just confront the other man and tell him that you know about their past, you are not happy with it, and that you and her have agreed that it is in everyone's best interest that the two of them discontinue the friendship or working situation that they have. If not, you feel it necessary to speak with his wife about the past between them because it is not fair that she does not know.
Tell your wife before you do this that you will be doing this because as the "men", you need to come to a "gentleman's agreement". This will ensure that the conversation happens, and will ensure that he knows where you stand....kind of like a dog peeing on a tree......I know, bad example.
Do it away from work to not bring the drama into the work place.

After this is done, just check for any suspicious behaviour.....however I will tell you that if she is kissing you, having sex with you, cuddling you, telling you she loves you and has that look in her eyes for you, she is not screwing anyone else.*


Personally, I think this is one of the worst bits of advice I have ever seen on TAM.

I understand that the OP's original post stated that she did not lie once but mulitple times. And now the guy she lied about (who we know had sex with the OP's wife at least once) works with her and the OP sees where they work and it is basically a secluded place. 

So the VAR is an invasion of privacy and will destroy any trust the OP's wife has for the OP. Well give me a freaken break. I did the VAR, it is illegal in my state the way I did it. Big freaken whoop. Do the VAR, do multiple VARs. You will find out whether she is trustworthy or not. She is the one who has violated trust and broke it not you. My wife was mad that I recorded her, not because I recorded her per se, but what I recorded and found out. If my wife recorded me without my knowledge, I would more than likely be mad, maybe, but she would simply be bored at listening to it. I would not lose trust in her for doing that. People who get their panties up in a bunch over having their spouse looke at their phone, emails, ect, typically do so because they are hiding stuff. 

*Reading into little things that do not matter . * Typically, this is one of the first signs. That the little things are off. I could give you a big list of "little things" that my wife was doing or not doing that should have told me something was up.

*Confronting the OM.* WTF. You may look like an arse at the least if you do this. If there is stuff going on, it will not do a darn thing in most cases and your wife and the OM will have a good laugh later. What are you ging to say? Don't you dare speak to my wife. Hel* they work together. Don't go there my friend. And what gentleman's agreement will you come to agree. 

And oh yea, tell your wife everything you are doing and thinking. That is a plan that is doomed to failure. If there is something going on, the OM will know about your plan in about a minute about you tell your wife. Don't tell your wife anything you are planning to do to check on her.

*however I will tell you that if she is kissing you, having sex with you, cuddling you, telling you she loves you and has that look in her eyes for you, she is not screwing anyone else.* 

And I will tell you that my wife and many others here on TAM will agree that my wife and their wife/husband did exactly this. Mine would have sex with me right after having sex with the XOM and tell me how much she loves me.

So "new-me" wins the prize as the most bone headed post that Thorburn has ever seen on TAM.


----------



## someone90

I didn't read through the whole thread but I'm worried about the fact that she is still working with the guy.

If she didn't tell you because it was a mistake and she was so embarrassed then how is she comfortable being around him all the time? I wouldn't say get an annulment right away, I think that's jumping way too fast, but I would be very concerned about this. 

There is definitely something she isn't telling you, I don't know what it is but I would be suspicious. Maybe she has some attachment to him and doesn't want to let go? But there's a chance it could be more. 

All I can say is that I wouldn't be satisfied with her answers now. You need to get to the bottom of this because there has to be more...


----------



## Tobyboy

_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lenzi

Thorburn said:


> So "new-me" wins the prize as the most bone headed post that Thorburn has ever seen on TAM.


The poster has been banned, why not let sleeping dogs lie?

To rehash those posts is not productive to this thread (or any other for that matter).


----------



## workindad

raulph said:


> Yes I am watching her, I at random had her log into her email and wrk email and she also gave me her cell phone website username and password so I could check phone records, she also agreed to take a polygraph.




Great, now schedule the polygraph and follow thru. Give her one more chance in the parking lot to tell you the truth. Be prepared for the parking lot confession.

Once you have the facts, then you can decide a course of action. You need the truth.

Good Luck
WD


----------



## 86857

Raulph:
I am so sorry that instead of the carefree honeymoon period you are enduring this pain 3 weeks into your marriage. You are having to snoop on your new wife? It's incredible.
Why is she still working with that guy????????? Alone? At night? Just the 2 of them in a hospital room? That must be sheer torture for you. AND he's awkward around you? Now why would that be!
He needs to disappear from your lives. NOW. 
She is doing all the right things except what you most need. That is why you are posting on TAM and it is sad to see a newly-wed on here. 
NC!!! It's a no brainer. If she is disregarding your feelings this early on, then what is the rest of your marriage going to be like. 
Personally I would have given up that job immediately my husband made the discovery. I wouldn't risk our relationship.
Ask her would she like it if you worked alone, at night with someone you had a fling with who was awkward around her. 
They are just strengthening their bond. Do you know how many As start in the workplace? If she finds the going hard with you because of this she may well start to reach out to him. 
She is playing with fire.
What does she love most, her job or you? And is there a chance she doesn't want to stop her contact with him?
Stand firm Raulph and send her the signal that you are NOT going to let her treat you this way. If you allow her to do so she may well get the impression you are a pushover and she can do what she likes whether it upsets you or not. A dangerous dynamic is being established in your relationship. 
Consider going to IC to learn how to stand up for yourself more effectively. You probably never had to do it before because you probably weren't treated so shabbily. I'll bet you are a 'nice guy'. Nice guys like you deserve better. 
I am sounding very forceful I know. It is because it made me so angry when I read your thread. 3 weeks married. Sheesh!


----------



## Thepoet

raulph said:


> her friend said to me It nice to finally meet you Ive heard so much about you for 3 years, and I said oh yeah what have you heard, and she replied " well lets see first it was omg im dating one of my students, and then I said that's not me must of been someone else, and my wife got all quiet and you could tell she was mad .



So, let me see if I can put this little incident together correctly.


You have been dating your wife for 3 years.

The friend mentions "oh I have heard so much about you for the past 3 years, great to finally meet you" 

then she says "first it was omg i'm dating one of my students"

then your wife gets mad.

So, correct me if I'm wrong, but she was dating this student WHILE DATING YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!! Otherwise the friend never would have thought that. Sounds like she has been quite the busy girlfriend while you guys were dating.


----------



## MattMatt

lenzi said:


> The poster has been banned, why not let sleeping dogs lie?
> 
> To rehash those posts is not productive to this thread (or any other for that matter).


Sorry, Lenzi but I can't agree with you. When a professionally qualified, working counsellor of Thorburn's standing and long experience on TAM feels the need to call someone on some especially dangerous advice, then I take notice. 

The poster was banned? That might not have any significance here as the poster might have been banned for swearing or arguing in an entirely different thread or even for some rule they broke in another part of the forum.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## WyshIknew

doubletrouble said:


> It is in W's and my relationship. She always wants to come with me (she's a SAHW) and I've never cheated on her.


Yes, my wife likes to do this too.

She can't wait for the next training in Vienna or Norway.

Trouble is she gets bored when I'm not there and goes off shopping with the credit cards.

It works quite well, we only have to pay her flights, she gets a nice break and I get something to do in the evening.


----------



## Shaggy

MattMatt said:


> Sorry, Lenzi but I can't agree with you. When a professionally qualified, working counsellor of Thorburn's standing and long experience on TAM feels the need to call someone on some especially dangerous advice, then I take notice.
> 
> The poster was banned? That might not have any significance here as the poster might have been banned for swearing or arguing in an entirely different thread or even for some rule they broke in another part of the forum.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My guess is they got banned for joining tam and immediately launching into starting a flame war. That's just not playing nice.


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER

Well OP last logged in 3 days ago, when he said if he finds out anything else/she hasn't told him the whole truth - He was divorcing her. His exact words were "*I have made it very clear that if anything else comes out I am gone.* "

We know that there's about a 99% chance that there's more. You know that raulph had to know that there was a very good chance that there was more also.

He said that "she also agreed to take a polygraph".

I'm figuring that he told his WS that she needs to follow through with the polygraph that she agreed to take. He start calling around to set up an appointment. His WS starts hitting him with more trickle truth. He asks her is that it, is that everything? She says yes. He goes back to looking for a polygraph place. She says, but I've told you everything, why are you still looking? He says, well if I have the whole truth, then you have nothing to worry about when you take the test.

This goes on for a day, or two. Now raulph is stuck. He knew that if she has lied and there was more, he needed to D her. Now that that time has actually arrived, he's not as on board with it as he thought he was.

If this is the case raulph, there's no shame in admitting you aren't ready to pull the plug yet.

A lot of us TAMer's say that the BS should file for D right up front, or when a line in the sand has been crossed. I agree with this tactic, but I'll be the first one to tell you that I cried, begged an pleaded with my XW when I first "heard the news" of how far it had gone.

I wished I hadn't, but it is what it is. You do what you think is best for you right now. I hope it works out for you


----------



## Thor

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> He knew that if she has lied and there was more, he needed to D her. Now that that time has actually arrived, he's not as on board with it as he thought he was.
> 
> If this is the case raulph, there's no shame in admitting you aren't ready to pull the plug yet.
> 
> A lot of us TAMer's say that the BS should file for D right up front, or when a line in the sand has been crossed. I agree with this tactic, but I'll be the first one to tell you that I cried, begged an pleaded with my XW when I first "heard the news" of how far it had gone.


:iagree: Spot on, the whole post.

I can relate to this. Dec 2011 I gave my wife the very clear opportunity to tell me anything at all, and I told her we could work through anything as long as it was out in the open. I also told her that if I found out about anything from other than her, it was a dealbreaker.

Then this past June I caught her in a significant deception regarding medical care for one of our children. This was the most recent of several lies/deceptions since Dec 2011, though by far it was the most severe.

The other lies all had me tied in knots. Was this little lie really _a lie_ or was it an innocent mischaracterization? Was it old enough that it mattered now? Had she forgotten about this lie? Did it cross my Red Line?  I admit to shedding many tears in those 18 months.

When it does cross the line far enough, it is obvious. It might take a little time for the realization to fully settle in, but it will.


----------



## raulph

Well guys thanks for all the concern but I havent logged in because Ive had a very busy week with work and my father inlaw was put in the hospital thursday and all that good stuff.

The situartion with the wife is still the same she offered up her phone records and said she would take a polygraph the only testing site is 90 miles away and only works m-f, I am working on getting that in order,
she has been switching shifts wth ppl she works with so she doesnt have to work with him at night,
No more lies that I am aware of so far, I still have a suspision in my mind about why he called that night and the vm, I can only imagine what that said. other than that I have been watching her the best I can I have a var but it hasent turned up anything yet.

Has anyone ever been able to get thru this type of problem, it seems on here the stories all lead to the big D.


----------



## EleGirl

raulph said:


> Well guys thanks for all the concern but I havent logged in because Ive had a very busy week with work and my father inlaw was put in the hospital thursday and all that good stuff.
> 
> The situartion with the wife is still the same she offered up her phone records and said she would take a polygraph the only testing site is 90 miles away and only works m-f, I am working on getting that in order,
> she has been switching shifts wth ppl she works with so she doesnt have to work with him at night,
> No more lies that I am aware of so far, I still have a suspision in my mind about why he called that night and the vm, I can only imagine what that said. other than that I have been watching her the best I can I have a var but it hasent turned up anything yet.
> 
> Has anyone ever been able to get thru this type of problem, it seems on here the stories all lead to the big D.


Keep in mind that generally people who are busy saving their marriages usually do not stay here and talk about it. They are too busy with their spouse and family. So yes, this place tends to have more people whose marriages do not end well.


----------



## Thorburn

No, not all end in the big D. 

How long is your wife willing to keep up switching shifts?

At some point that will get old as well. But working with the guy is not good either.

The VM. May be as she said. SInce it is deleted you will never know for sure.


----------



## dogman

raulph said:


> Well guys thanks for all the concern but I havent logged in because Ive had a very busy week with work and my father inlaw was put in the hospital thursday and all that good stuff.
> 
> The situartion with the wife is still the same she offered up her phone records and said she would take a polygraph the only testing site is 90 miles away and only works m-f, I am working on getting that in order,
> she has been switching shifts wth ppl she works with so she doesnt have to work with him at night,
> No more lies that I am aware of so far, I still have a suspision in my mind about why he called that night and the vm, I can only imagine what that said. other than that I have been watching her the best I can I have a var but it hasent turned up anything yet.
> 
> Has anyone ever been able to get thru this type of problem, it seems on here the stories all lead to the big D.



I have a couple friends who are on the police force and one that's a detective and they say that almost 100% of the time things are EXACTLY as they appear. So if you Have a gut feeling about the Voice mail you're probably right it would have been a great opportunity for her to prove to you that his interaction with her is professional. It was deleted because it doesn't do that. What it does is unknown. Maybe the guy just busts on you for being jealous maybe he used a nickname for your wife, who know but she missed a great opportunity for a reason.

Yes people do get past this stuff all the time it takes work and communication....and no more deleted messages.


----------



## raulph

Thorburn said:


> No, not all end in the big D.
> 
> How long is your wife willing to keep up switching shifts?
> 
> At some point that will get old as well. But working with the guy is not good either.
> 
> The VM. May be as she said. SInce it is deleted you will never know for sure.


Well she is switching shifts but she still works with him mabey for an hour or two every now and then, Im not very happy about that, also the vm really is eating at me, but im not showing it as much, I mean why was he the only one that called, how come the person working for her that night didnt call, or one of the phlebotomist why didnt they call????

It dosent make sense, then she deletes it comon, oh well I dont get it and prob never will,,,, 

Thing is she is all about our wedding pics right now and working on the ty cards and talking about the future,,, and keeping me happy in the br,,,

and when I ask her why she just didnt tell me she says because i would of left,,, if she still wanted him why would she care if I left...confusing


----------



## Tobyboy

Do what I did. 

Write on a note pad........
QUESTIONS FOR POLY
1. Your question
2. Your question
3. Your question 
4. Your question
5. Did you lie about the content of OM voicemail. 
Leave this note pad out for her to read. She'll know your serious about the poly and will confess prior to the exam. It might be on the way there or in the parking lot....but she will!!! 
I did this and got some info from my fww on the way to the examination. Not deal breakers, but still something she was holding from me. She still took the poly....and passed!


----------



## raulph

Tobyboy said:


> Do what I did.
> 
> Write on a note pad........
> QUESTIONS FOR POLY
> 1. Your question
> 2. Your question
> 3. Your question
> 4. Your question
> 5. Did you lie about the content of OM voicemail.
> Leave this note pad out for her to read. She'll know your serious about the poly and will confess prior to the exam. It might be on the way there or in the parking lot....but she will!!!
> I did this and got some info from my fww on the way to the examination. Not deal breakers, but still something she was holding from me. She still took the poly....and passed!


Yes but then she could prepare for the exam, and be ready for the questions, I think I will just hint at something that might be asked every now and then but not tell her the full list.


----------



## Tobyboy

raulph said:


> Yes but then she could prepare for the exam, and be ready for the questions, I think I will just hint at something that might be asked every now and then but not tell her the full list.


It doesn't matter if she knows the questions!!!!! You can't prepare for a poly(unless you take some meds). These questions, will be yes or no questions. Almost all will begin with "Did". There will be no "why" questions. Of course, she might not know that ... so write down your questions and keep adding to the list daily!!!


----------



## Tobyboy

Here are examples of questions you might ask. 

1.Did you have sex with OM during your relationship with your husband? 
2.Did you have any sexual contact with any man during your relationship with your husband? 
3. Did you ever have inappropriate talks with OM during your relationship with your husband?
4. Did you lie about content of the VM from OM to your husband?

Dude! The list goes on and on....

I know what I'm talking about when it comes to polygraphs! I did tons of research. You should too!


----------



## raulph

Tobyboy said:


> Here are examples of questions you might ask.
> 
> 1.Did you have sex with OM during your relationship with your husband?
> 2.Did you have any sexual contact with any man during your relationship with your husband?
> 3. Did you ever have inappropriate talks with OM during your relationship with your husband?
> 4. Did you lie about content of the VM from OM to your husband?
> 
> Dude! The list goes on and on....
> 
> I know what I'm talking about when it comes to polygraphs! I did tons of research. You should too!


Thanks, Yes I am doing my research on them.


----------



## ThePheonix

raulph my man, I admit I did not read the entire thread but if all you really have is her fibbing about sleeping with this character 8-9 years age, you're considering throwing the baby out with the bath water Dawg. I can understand why you're uncomfortable with her work alone with him but that doesn't mean they're doing the horizontal mamba. I wished Congress would pass a law that made it a federal offense to discuss prior lovers.  It don't do nothing but cause trouble. If she had any idea of the reaction toward a ONS with a fellow employee years before she met you, I can understand why she may not want to be totally forthcoming. 
My take on the deleted call is 1. the cat called her "sweety" or some other cutzey name or 2. somebody told him you were bird dogging their past encounter and he brought it up. 
Your woman gave you access to pretty much everything and has agreed to a polygraph. If, and I suspect when, she passes, shut up about it and enjoy her. (or you may throw away the best thing ever happened to you).


----------



## hereinthemidwest

raulph said:


> Well she is switching shifts but she still works with him mabey for an hour or two every now and then, Im not very happy about that, also the vm really is eating at me, but im not showing it as much, I mean why was he the only one that called, how come the person working for her that night didnt call, or one of the phlebotomist why didnt they call????
> 
> It dosent make sense, then she deletes it comon, oh well I dont get it and prob never will,,,,
> 
> Thing is she is all about our wedding pics right now and working on the ty cards and talking about the future,,, and keeping me happy in the br,,,
> 
> and when I ask her why she just didnt tell me she says because i would of left,,, if she still wanted him why would she care if I left...confusing


VM probably had something she didn't want you to hear. That's solved. Also maybe she did want him. But he didn't want her except for a piece of ass. So she tried to make him jealous. And she tried to move on. I would be popping in to the hospital for dinner or lunch. Who's to say she lied about his work schedule. Have you contacted the om future wife yet and tell her? I think you would feel better and have more clairity.


----------



## Summer4744

Would you call someone who missed work when you only see them an hour or so every now and then? Not unless the relationship was something more than work related.

Sorry man. But everything points towards a lot more that you don't know about. If you put D on the table and are serious about it, she will spill the beans.


----------



## EleGirl

raulph said:


> Thanks, Yes I am doing my research on them.


And keep in mind that even the best polygraphs are wrong 25% of the time. So after the test is done, you still will not know if the results were accurate. 

This love affair people here have with a flawed "test" is just unbelievable.


----------



## Chaparral

EleGirl said:


> And keep in mind that even the best polygraphs are wrong 25% of the time. So after the test is done, you still will not know if the results were accurate.
> 
> This love affair people here have with a flawed "test" is just unbelievable.


Ele, where did you find the info that polygraphs are wrong 25% of the time? 
Thanks in advance.


----------



## workindad

Even if it is 75 percent accurate. That is better than trying To get the truth from a 100 percent liar. 

To me, a polygraph is a consequence and it affords a great opportunity for a last minute rememberance of details. 

Do I think they are fool proof. Certainly not, but I do feel they have a place.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bfree

EleGirl said:


> And keep in mind that even the best polygraphs are wrong 25% of the time. So after the test is done, you still will not know if the results were accurate.
> 
> This love affair people here have with a flawed "test" is just unbelievable.


Most of the time the test never has to be administered. How many parking lot confessions have we seen here on TAM?


----------



## Disenchanted

I thought the idea was ridiculous when it was originally floated to me.

After year to consider it, it's brilliant. Most WS's would be wildly appalled at the idea, especially if they're hiding something. It seems like something from the movies. Then reality sets in that they might get hooked up to one and it's a _very_ good test for true remorse IMO.


----------



## EleGirl

bfree said:


> Most of the time the test never has to be administered. How many parking lot confessions have we seen here on TAM?


This is the only benefit I can see.


----------



## bfree

*Re: Re: Wife or 3 weeks caught in a bad lie*



EleGirl said:


> This is the only benefit I can see.


The truth is always a benefit regardless of how it needs to be attained.


----------



## moto164

Hey Raulph any updates.


----------



## Tobyboy

Update?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## raulph

Update: Life is good or has been so far, no worries. but tonight I found out she is working with him again, I found out because I checked her schedule, until now she has been changing shifts with her friends so she would not be working with him, It really hasn't been a issue, so should I bring this up, I mean she didn't ask if it was ok or if I would be concerned if she was working with him again. 
I haven't even let her know that I know that she is working with him.


----------



## raulph

Just a fyi to you all, she was first with him 3 weeks before we met, it wasn't years before it was weeks, and to get you all up to date she is now pregnant. So...


----------



## 12345Person

raulph said:


> Update: Life is good or has been so far, no worries. but tonight I found out she is working with him again, I found out because I checked her schedule, until now she has been changing shifts with her friends so she would not be working with him, It really hasn't been a issue, so should I bring this up, I mean she didn't ask if it was ok or if I would be concerned if she was working with him again.
> I haven't even let her know that I know that she is working with him.


GTFO out of this marriage.


----------



## Thor

dna the child.


----------



## weightlifter

Anyone else see a train wreck coming...

Dont sign the birth cert until you go to Walmart and get the paternity test done. Like 129 dollars. There is one that can be done for 2000 while pregnant that is not amnio.


----------



## warlock07

did she tell you that it was a ONS or a few weeks of dating ?


----------



## Philat

raulph said:


> Update: Life is good or has been so far, no worries. but tonight I found out she is working with him again, I found out because I checked her schedule, until now she has been changing shifts with her friends so she would not be working with him, It really hasn't been a issue, so should I bring this up, I mean she didn't ask if it was ok or if I would be concerned if she was working with him again.
> I haven't even let her know that I know that she is working with him.


It's obviously still an issue with you because you are checking her schedule. I say bring it up nonconfrontationally: "I see you're working a shift with X. Couldn't you change this? This still bothers me, you know."


----------



## workindad

At the very least. You must confront her. 

There must be boundaries that are respected in your marriage. 

Why didn't she tell you

If she was changing her shift to avoid him before... She knows better. Hiding this kind of crap is not good. 

Do not turn a blind eye. 

Certainly get a paternity test
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ThePheonix

My recommendation is to work on his own insecurities and lack of confidence rather than to keep badgering her and making himself look like an insecure weakling who believes his woman will look for outside excitement at the drop of a hat.


----------



## workindad

Raulph who was the student that she was dating? The one her friend mentioned before your wedding. The timing on that guy seems to be when you were dating her as well

Did you ever follow thru with a var or polygraph. What were the results.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jnj express

Half of your life is spent trying to make sure---she ain't working with him------tell her point blank once and for all---if she can't get a shift change to a different shift---so this will never come up again---then she needs to quit her job, and either find another hospital in another town, or start a new career doing something else

Get in her face about not telling you she is scheduled to work with her x-sex partner----she needs to be completely open---and not for just 3 months, but for as long as it takes

Your mge ain't gonna survive a year---with the way things are going


----------



## ConanHub

raulph..... are you for real?
You seem borderline happy plan B.
My wife did not lie to me and she avoids her exes like the plague!

You almost seem comically accepting of this dangerous (infidelity ) type situation.
I guess you can keep having fun on the roller coaster that you decided to get on.

Enjoy the ride my friend!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sidney2718

raulph said:


> Just a fyi to you all, she was first with him 3 weeks before we met, it wasn't years before it was weeks, and to get you all up to date she is now pregnant. So...


What do you mean "SO"? Can you be certain who the father is? I'd think not. This is a serious problem and perhaps time for a serious confrontation. You've got all sorts of minor suspicious stuff going on, but all together they add up to a lot.

I don't understand how you can know that your wife and the OM were not together for the very short time it takes to get pregnant. Or are you saying that you are sure the baby is not yours?

You know as well as I do that some men think the best way to get even with a guy who took a girl away from them is to get the girl pregnant.

Take care, man. We are rooting for you.


----------



## VFW

Congratulations on becoming a father again. She had a ONS with a coworker 3 years ago. You are understandably upset about the lying and need to resolve some issues. The board has gone into hyperdrive and wants you to burn her at the stake.

Personally, I think you need to slow things down a bit. Make sure that her and the baby are healthy and just take a breather. Additionally, I think that your situation would be improved more by counseling than polygraphs. Take a deep breath and enjoy the moment.


----------



## Gomerpyle

raulph said:


> Well she is switching shifts but she still works with him mabey for an hour or two every now and then, Im not very happy about that, also the vm really is eating at me, but im not showing it as much, I mean why was he the only one that called, how come the person working for her that night didnt call, or one of the phlebotomist why didnt they call????
> 
> It dosent make sense, then she deletes it comon, oh well I dont get it and prob never will,,,,


Lying is the go-to strategy for this girl.




> and when I ask her why she just didnt tell me she says because i would of left,,,


So therefore she lied above too.




> if she still wanted him why would she care if I left...confusing


He's married.

And solving the liar's riddles isn't a husband's job.


----------



## CouldItBeSo

raulph said:


> Just a fyi to you all, she was first with him 3 weeks before we met, it wasn't years before it was weeks, and to get you all up to date she is now pregnant. So...


Who was the student she was dating before you according to her friend?


----------



## dogman

VFW said:


> Congratulations on becoming a father again. She had a ONS with a coworker 3 years ago. You are understandably upset about the lying and need to resolve some issues. The board has gone into hyperdrive and wants you to burn her at the stake.
> 
> Personally, I think you need to slow things down a bit. Make sure that her and the baby are healthy and just take a breather. Additionally, I think that your situation would be improved more by counseling than polygraphs. Take a deep breath and enjoy the moment.


The thing is, her lying is robbing him of one of the greatest moments/times of his life. 

I'll say that again....HER LYING IS ROBBING HIM, not his ability to block out her lies.


----------

