# Relationship in jeopardy...



## Rikkem (Nov 19, 2011)

This is my first post and I am wondering if anyone has any helpful suggestions.

First off My wife and I have been married for almost 19 years. We have been together over 20 yrs. 

What I have to tell has been going on for quite a few yrs. (at least 10 yrs if not more)

I dont feel desired and havent for a long time. I feel as if she is not attracted to me physically. 

We get along fine as long as I dont mention my feelings about sex or affection. As soon as I do then she says I am being selfish and not thinking of her. Honestly there is nothing I do in where I do not think of how she would feel about it or how it would affect her.
My life revolves around her as I feel it should. She is the most important thing in my life aside from our kids. 

Its not the infrequency of sex that bothers me the most. What does bother me is that she never tells me she wants me. When we do make love its almost always me who initiates it. She has initiated it a few times but only a handful of times in the past 20 yrs. She also seems to turn me down alot with the excuse of being tired, belly ache, sore neck, not in the mood... etc. The list goes on. 
When she agrees to "fool around" as we call it; Its like she is trying to pacify me. She will even tell me to hurry and get along with it because she has things to do or is tired and wants to go to sleep. I understand she may be tired, but all the time?
There is more to my feelings on this subject but for now I need to tell you more about myself to explain why we are where we are now.
The past few months I have been having male issues with performance. I mean the stage is set and the play begins but the actor is asleep on the job or just barely wakes up to do much. In short; I am having problems getting an erection. I want to and can even finish but I am not hard enough to do much. I still make sure she reaches her climax and I can still reach mine even soft. Now the cause of this I think is emotional not physical because I can get myself firm and I even wake up during the night with an erection. Its just that during our lovemaking she seems distant and not into what we are doing. 
She needs to have the TV on or at least a music channel on the TV. This really isnt an issue with me until she starts to comment or laugh about something currently on while we are fooling around. I feel like she needs something to distract her from what we are doing. She even brings up things from work or other parts of her day during these times. 
We are and have been in a sexual rut for a long time. Its always the same thing the same way... I ask. she either tells me no or ok. If we do make love it cannot be drawn out at all. We touch til we are close then we make love until we both climax then she cleans up and tells me to leave so she can go to sleep. If we make love during the day at all then all is the same except after she cleans up we get dressed and go about our day.
There are alot of things I have to remember during our intimate time together. When we kiss its usually closed mouth but when I do use my tongue then I have to be careful not to touch her teeth or gums with my tongue. She says this is gross and gets upset. Even if I do it accidentally. She also will never give me her tongue because this is gross too.
Oral sex is not a two way street. Occasionally she will let me give to her but only if she has recently taken a shower and I have to not use my hands much since she does not like the way it feels. She has told me to never expect to recieve oral sex from her. She has tried a couple of times to do this for me but only for a few minutes and NEVER to climax. after the last time she told me to never ask for it again and dont expect it anymore because it grosses her out. I am almost 44 yrs old and have never been given oral sex for more than a couple of minutes. She will almost never get completely naked for me. Usually she keeps her night shirt on and sometimes even a sweatshirt over that.
During our love making she is very quiet until she climaxes. Sometimes as foreplay I will give her a back rub which we both enjoy. When this is going on she is very vocal. She will moan, make MMMMM noises and even tell me ,"yes there.", "That feels great." or even tells me where she wants me to focus more. During this time I do get an erection. Then when we start getting more intimate she just gets silent. and I go soft.

Here is where our current issue has brought me to this forum.

The other night we were fooling around and I again was having a problem getting an erection. I asked her if she would try and be more vocal for me and maybe that would help our problem. she was bothered by my asking but said she would try even though she felt uncomfortable talking dirty. I told her I wasnt asking her to talk dirty just to make positive sounds to let me know when I was touching her the way she wanted me to during foreplay. A while later I sensed she was getting close while using my hand on her. She still has not made a sound so I tried to make her feel more comfortable and I did the unthinkable... I talked to her and said,"Not yet. I want to be with you when we climax." She then got mad at me and said I was trying to make her do something she wasnt comfortable doing and that I shouldnt only think of myself. I explained what results I was trying to get; me getting hard enough to make love with her but I was being selfish. 
This was about a week ago and she hasnt spoken to me very much since. On Thursday she told me about her week at work but that was it.

Now, am I being too rough on her or is she correct in saying that this is my problem and not hers?

Please help me to understand,
Rikkem


----------



## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Rikkem: Wish I could help, but I'm curious to know what to do in your situation too!


----------



## Rikkem (Nov 19, 2011)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Rikkem (Nov 19, 2011)

I don't know yet but I have reached my limit. From here it's either CPU filing or a separation. 
I do not want a divorce because I love her more than I can say. We need to talk but she honestly feels she is not part of the problem. 
I have no one to talk to about this. My only friends are my sister and brother innlaw and my wife is best friends with my sister.
She spends her Saturday nights hanging out with them. I go with her alot but when she gets like this then she goes without me. 
That leaves me home alone with our 9 yr old daughter. We have two other children but they are 18 and 16 and have lives of their own.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Rikkem (Nov 19, 2011)

CPU filling. = counciling.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Recommend the following books:

1 - His Needs Her Needs
2 - Five Love Languages
3 - No More mr Nice Guy
4 - Hold onto your Nutz
5 - Married Man Sex Life Primer


----------



## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

I feel for you I'm there too.... at least you are getting sex

I'll give you some advice...

Understand she doesn't view sex the same as you... she coud very well be ultra in love with you and still not want to connect via sexual expression.... I know that bites but it's reality.

I think what us guys really want is to know that our wives love us deep down. We feel love through sex so naturally when its missing or just lame... we seriously question the love of our spouses. We can't wrap our minds around why they won't put the effort into something that gives us both pleasure..... unfortunately its a huge issue. 

I've come to ealize tha grass isn't greener... I'm committed to my wife and committed to eventually sharing a fulfilling sex life with her.. It helps to know deep down that with 100% certainty I know my wife loves me deeply however right now sex is not a feeling she has for me.... It sucks but its reality.

So you have to ask yourself... toss it all away to find another that will probably pull he same junk eventually... or work on he one you have.

I have many many years to go in my marriage. With constant efforts eventually I will reap the rewards....it will happen. She will be sexually attracted to me and we will have a great sex life... I know it... just don't quite know when.

Spend time reading up on women's needs...physical sex is way down the list... if you fulfill her needs she will fill your needs..eventually

good luck


----------



## Rikkem (Nov 19, 2011)

So 20years of fulfilling her needs and one time I ask for her to be more vocal while making love; this is a need she decides is to much for me toast of her???
I can honestly say I dont have many needs to fulfill. I stood by her through her going to nursing school, do a majority of the household chores during the week, I do laundry on the weekends all so she can relax and not have to worried about it. I know she works hard as a nurse but I also work a 45 hour week as a machinist. I stilll find time to pamper her ...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Mindful Coach (Sep 15, 2011)

Dadof3 said:


> Recommend the following books:
> 
> 1 - His Needs Her Needs
> 2 - Five Love Languages
> ...


:iagree:


----------



## misticli (Oct 28, 2011)

Your wife honestly sounds very frigid to be blunt. Have you investigated the possible reasons behind this? Does she have some reason to pull away from your emotionally? Was she raised with the understanding that sex is "dirty"? Was she was ever abused?

Unfortunately some women just unplug themselves from sex and just think it's there to satisfy the man. Other women feel very insecure with their bodies. Not participating in sex is a huge issue. You posted this as a relationship in jeopardy thread, have you spoken with you wife about how serious this is to you?

Having sex with the tv on and paying more attention to the tv is awful, you wonder why you are having performance issues. I really think you have been understanding about and need to dig to the bottom of the issue. To me it sounds like she thinks sex is "dirty", and she needs to emotionally work that out.


----------



## Rikkem (Nov 19, 2011)

No she doesn't think it's dirty just not important and can't understand why it is important to me. 
That is why she conciders it my problem when I try to talk to her about it. 
We both cleaned the house today, no kids and she still hasn't spoken to me. 
I thought maybe since we were alone she would talk to me but no. 
Now she has locked herself in our room to be alone and chill for a while b
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

