# Anyone have a similar experience and make it?



## kirdalt (Jun 13, 2014)

OK I'm going to try and make this the short version, A little over a year ago my husband had an affair with a coworker. I found out and asked him to leave then started the divorce process. He asked to come home and work on us told me he ended his affair. 3 months later I catch him again and the the trickle truth started and I found out she was moving into the same town as us, which he knew. Which has really messed with my head running into her and her husband all the time(small town) and I did expose the A to OWH also. Our kids now go to the same school. So I guess my question is has anyone been through something similar and R? I do love my husband just not like I used to. My fear is this has changed me so much that it wouldn't matter if I stayed or left I would feel the same . I asked for a trial separation, but its more to see if I can handle raising 3 kids on my own or if it would be easier just to stay he is doing everything that I ask but it just seems like too little effort too late especially having to relive it everyday driving past their house to go anywhere, no way around that one! Any advise would be greatly appreciated I feel like a different person no emotion, no anger, just alive not looking forward to anything like my old life used to have purpose, this new one is so blah!


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

What, if anything, has your husband offered -- of his own volition -- to help you to recover from his betrayal?

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## nickgtg (Jan 11, 2013)

You're going to get different answers obviously, but it comes down to this, regardless of the love you feel for your husband, and despite the fact you have a family together, can you live the rest of your life being married to a lying, marriage vow breaking cheater?


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## kirdalt (Jun 13, 2014)

He hasn't offered much I jumped into R so fast that he said he didn't have a chance to come up with anything( copout) I didn't already suggest at first and he was confused about what he wanted when I was suggesting it but after the 2nd Dday he knew that he wanted his family. I believe he is being honest but the thing is it feels like it wouldn't matter if he was a saint for the rest of our marriage I would still have this ho hum attitude about it all. I'm sorry I've been stuck in a dark place for over a year now and read tons of stuff but never told my story or reached out till now


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## kirdalt (Jun 13, 2014)

I guess too at first I thought I could work through it but the less pain I feel the less I want to stay, like its finally really setting in and I know I won't ever feel the same about him it doesn't seem fair to string him along thinking that somehow our marriage will be stronger or better when I just feel indifference towards him. It also infruriated me when I asked for a trial separation the 1st time and he told me I was breaking up our family and making a mistake! Umm no you already did that I'm just finishing what you started!


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## Cabsy (Mar 25, 2013)

kirdalt said:


> My fear is this has changed me so much that it wouldn't matter if I stayed or left I would feel the same . I asked for a trial separation, but its more to see if I can handle raising 3 kids on my own or if it would be easier just to stay he is doing everything that I ask but it just seems like too little effort too late especially having to relive it everyday driving past their house to go anywhere, no way around that one!


It does change you. That cat is out of the bag, so let go of the fear if you can. I realize 3 kids would be a lot of work on your own, but don't just stay with a cheater for free child care.

He's doing everything you ask him to do? What is he doing _on his own_ to show remorse? From your tone, it sounds like he's just appeasing you to get you off of his back... just like he probably did after he was caught the first time. You'll have to decide for yourself what you will and won't tolerate, but there's no chance of an R working if his head isn't in the game. Another affair would be far more likely.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Any therapy or counseling for either of you?


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

My situation was differnt than yours. I'm sorry I don't have much to offer you, but I suggest you focus on yourself and the kids. Get some IC, it helps.

Your H needs to be understanding to your needs and that your need may be D. Not a suggestion.

You need to find what is best for you and the kids. Do not let him manipulate you through guilt. You are not breaking up the family!! He needs professional help.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

It seems to me that if had been kept to a one night stand then R might be more plausible. But he continued back to her. That tells me he loves her far more than you. I can hardly see how true R can take place under those circumstances.


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## kirdalt (Jun 13, 2014)

Thank you all for your input I had counseling through my school but decided to take some time off BC I also started working after I found out sort of a fail safe I tried to do both but not having any days off working double shifts on weekends was killing me also affecting my children, and GPA. We did have 1 session of mc but he was fired from his job I'm sure you can guess why, but we will have ins again the end of the month and he already found another mc for when our ins is active. A lot of what he suggested I refused to try maybe out of anger or BC I asked that he try it before he ended his A idk. I just feel like he is my worst trigger and not sure how to R with that. I can tell you that I haven't handled this as well as I should have and I'm sure I could have angered even mother Theresa with some of my rages.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

I'm tempted to just start yelling "Divorce his sorry @$$!" but, if that's not what you really want (and I can't quite tell just yet), that's not going to do you any good.

What is it that you've asked him to do and how much of it is he doing? You're not going to be able to get back to the point where you can love and trust him unless he helps you to get there. But he, in turn, may need your help in doing that.

In short, he should be the one driving the "reconciliation bus", but he may need you to help him when it comes to navigation. This can be tough for a betrayed spouse because we can't always put our fingers on what it is that we need, where we want to take things, etc.

How old are the two of you and how long have you been married? First marriage for the both of you? How old are your kids?

What does/did your husband do for work? And yourself?

What is it that you're going back to school for and how much do you have left?

Just looking for additional background info... obviously you don't have to answer any questions w/ which you're not comfortable.


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## kirdalt (Jun 13, 2014)

A bit of background, I'm 32 he is 34, I am getting an AS in technological science majoring in automotive, my goal was to transfer from my 2 yr college to a university before I found out I wasn't working at the time 18 units and running a household on my own he also worked a lot so I decided to take on a household duties big mistakr and taking care of my ill grandmother was hard enough throw in working 30+ hrs on top of that I couldn't do it we will be married 11 years next month both 1st marriage, I got a job 6 months ago as a server now training to be a bar tender, he was, still is in security field. My kids are older old enough to understand at least 13, 11 & 10. Its weird most days I think just that just D already but I can't bring myself to file have had the paperwork for over a yr filled out in my car! I do get what your saying about trying to show him the right path just seems like me doing all the the work would he do this if I didnt force to? still like before idk maybe I'm wrong on that this is the 1st PA but quite a few EAs from both of us I guess I never looked at it that way until after reading about R and As. I think asking him to move out for awhile should ( hopefully) give me some clarity like do I miss him or has everything that happened killed the little bit of love I had left Idk? Any suggestions would be appreciated.


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## kirdalt (Jun 13, 2014)

And yes he does almost everything I ask calling checking in telling me where he is at all times transparent with his phone passwords ect I thought that would make feel better but in honesty it doesn't I think of ways he could be hiding Ie; second phone, secret email and I drive myself crazy so I try not to look. He hasnt been good at coming clean the honesty thing or talking about it in general just seems frustrated by me asking the same Qs over and over bit for me its part of helps me accept what happen. I can understand to a point BC I have said some terrible things in the heat of an argument, but so has he


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

What does he tend to use the most often... his phone, a tablet, or a computer?


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## kirdalt (Jun 13, 2014)

His phone


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

kirdalt said:


> His phone


Make and model?


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## kirdalt (Jun 13, 2014)

Samsung Galaxy s5


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## Lloyd Dobler (Apr 24, 2014)

kirdalt said:


> OK I'm going to try and make this the short version, A little over a year ago my husband had an affair with a coworker. I found out and asked him to leave then started the divorce process. He asked to come home and work on us told me he ended his affair. 3 months later I catch him again and the the trickle truth started and I found out she was moving into the same town as us, which he knew. Which has really messed with my head running into her and her husband all the time(small town) and I did expose the A to OWH also. Our kids now go to the same school. So I guess my question is has anyone been through something similar and R? I do love my husband just not like I used to. My fear is this has changed me so much that it wouldn't matter if I stayed or left I would feel the same . I asked for a trial separation, but its more to see if I can handle raising 3 kids on my own or if it would be easier just to stay he is doing everything that I ask but it just seems like too little effort too late especially having to relive it everyday driving past their house to go anywhere, no way around that one! Any advise would be greatly appreciated I feel like a different person no emotion, no anger, just alive not looking forward to anything like my old life used to have purpose, this new one is so blah!


What a difficult situation that must be, kirdalt. It would drive me absolutely crazy to have to run into the OW or her kids on a regular basis. I know you said it's a small town so I'm assuming moving to a different house in the same town won't make a difference, but is there any chance of moving to a nearby town so you're not triggered each time you encounter the OW or her kids?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

kirdalt, you mentioned that your husband works in security, correct? Would that be technical security (involving computers and networks) or physical security (security guard, etc)?


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Sounds like a tough one.

Ideally, the husband would have made his choice immediately, dropped all contact, and concentrated his all at reconciling. That would tend to show he's not only serious, but honest. 

Dithering around, delaying shows he is indecisive. Indecisive is not a good trait during R for sure.

A spouse serious about R is like the old definition about porn. Can't define it, but you know it when you see it.


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## kirdalt (Jun 13, 2014)

He is a security guard not much with computers but he is really good with technology which is why I think its pointless to look through his phone email ect if you want to hide something you will find a way already proved that but he did change his # last year when he ended the A bc she kept contacting him As far as moving goes I decided to stay due to living in a house owned by family my plan was to buy it when my grandmother passed away. He suggested moving when they moved here but I can't see uprooting my kids and having to find another job and pay more for housing would be crazy to me all on a leap of faith that he is really wanting to be faithful


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## kirdalt (Jun 13, 2014)

I guess my biggest problem is the guilt I feel for wanting to leave. My family has advised me that being a single mom would be harder than trying to stay married trying to finish school ect to a certain point they are correct, he is not a terrible person a good dad. Its just how I feel about him now I thought a yr out would be better than this.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I would tell him that you're planning to move out next summer, you're giving yourself a year to determine if you can care about him again and in the meantime, saving money and making arrangements. See if he does anything. If he does, great, it might help. If he doesn't, you have your answer.


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## kirdalt (Jun 13, 2014)

Well that's what I sort of did lol. After the 2nd Dday I opened my own bank account and have been saving $ since then I recently asked him for a 6 month trial separation which I told him he had 3 months to find his own place or make arrangements to live elsewhere. He was upset by all of this a few months ago finding the D paperwork I've had filled out since last year ( not filed yet cant seem to bring myself to do that)and the bank info. He didn't know I had. He told me I wasn't trying and it wouldn't work if I didn't take that leap of faith basically I have 1 foot in 1 out which made me really angry and I threw in his face that when I did try he continued with his affair. This has been so hard on me I looked like I've aged 5 years in 1 I've lost over 30 lbs and was thin before that. I just feel like I don't trust my judgment right now being clouded with anger confusion from how it all went down. I can't understand why he continued his affair while saying he wanted to work on the marriage so it all seems so fake on his end even though I do see a change and believe the A is over. Just kind of stuck in limbo


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Well, personally, I would never stay with someone once they cheated. Life's too short. But we all have our tipping point.


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## kirdalt (Jun 13, 2014)

I used to say the same thing and have only been cheated on once before (different person) and I was gone. Maybe BC we have kids its different this time Idk denial at first? I feel the need to vent at the moment. It feels like I have no one to talk to about this right now. I'm sure my friends and family are sick of hearing it, I would be at least like just figure it out already! Thank you all for your comments and input it makes me not feel so alone.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Read Road Scholar. He also had two Ddays. Hanging on.

Acoa, two Ddays, he is out.

It takes a long time to recover. 

Does your WH get it? Is he a narcissist?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OpenEnded (Jul 30, 2012)

kirdalt said:


> ... I looked like I've aged 5 years in 1 I've lost over 30 lbs and was thin before that. I just feel like I don't trust my judgment right now being clouded with anger confusion ...


The quoted text could be your starting point on the road to better and happier life. Make a list of your priorities and act accordingly. 

For example:

1. Health - physical and mental
2. Children's needs
3. Work
...

It may look different but I don't see your husband needs and wants in the top 3.


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## kirdalt (Jun 13, 2014)

Thanks again for all your comments it is a huge help right now Reaching out and facing what I need to do is terrifying, but I need to. I just feel stuck right now but I know it will get better. It feels so unfair to know my options are leave work twice as hard and be alone or stay and deal with this mess that I had no say so in creating neither one was what I wanted for my kids and myself.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

kirdalt said:


> I used to say the same thing and have only been cheated on once before (different person) and I was gone. Maybe BC we have kids its different this time Idk denial at first? I feel the need to vent at the moment. It feels like I have no one to talk to about this right now. I'm sure my friends and family are sick of hearing it, I would be at least like just figure it out already! Thank you all for your comments and input it makes me not feel so alone.


It really is incredible the range of emotions you go thru when you find out. There is a story here (on TAM) for just about every kind of betrayal imaginable. The reasons for these betrayals are all over the board, too.

So, each case is different, and each outcome is, too. Hopefully, with enough thought, you'll be able to see thru all the mess, and realize what will work for you, without causing you more pain down the road. If you plan to reconcile, you've absolutely both got to sit down and talk about all of this at great length, and see what it would take to put the marriage right. Honesty at all times is the best medicine for a marriage, I think. (in hindsight)

Regardless of the problems in the marriage, cheating is inexcusable. No matter what is his problem, he should have come to you first. If he claims he tried, well he should have tried harder, or got into counseling, etc.

Know what you mean about having nowhere else to go to talk. I could never talk about infidelity with friends or family. Never. Too humiliating.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

kirdalt said:


> Thanks again for all your comments it is a huge help right now Reaching out and facing what I need to do is terrifying, but I need to. I just feel stuck right now but I know it will get better. It feels so unfair to know my options are leave work twice as hard and be alone or stay and deal with this mess that I had no say so in creating neither one was what I wanted for my kids and myself.


You have time to decide what to do. You don't need to decide right now as to D or R.

1. Get tested for STD's.
2. Speak to an attorney about your options.
3. If he shows remorse and tells the truth he is at least moving in the right direction, but you don't have to decide on staying or leaving.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You say ghe other woman kept contacting him. You also said you informed her husband. Did you talk to him in person?
Its hard to imagine him moving closer to you.


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## kirdalt (Jun 13, 2014)

I contacted the ow after 2nd Ddayshe told me that her H knew everything next month they moved closer I thought wtf? He doesn't know who would move closer to their wives AP so I ran into both of them and told him about the A really feel for him although I don't think he really believed what I said I guess I was hoping if he knew they would move away that was 3 months ago As far as her contacting him before he changed his # he would not respond and delete in front of me I asked him to get a new #. This all just sucks I feel like under the circumstances its impossible to try just too much crap to deal with!


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## kirdalt (Jun 13, 2014)

Thorburn said:


> You have time to decide what to do. You don't need to decide right now as to D or R.
> 
> 1. Get tested for STD's.
> 2. Speak to an attorney about your options.
> 3. If he shows remorse and tells the truth he is at least moving in the right direction, but you don't have to decide on staying or leaving.


I have done this and checked every 6 months for STDs so far just HPV on 2nd test which just adds to my frustration knowing ow just had a full hysterectomy probably the same thing that will happen to me down the road. I can't sleep with him at this point anyways
I got legal counsel a yr ago and know I would be fine with child support etc
The problem is he is showing remorse or used to show remorse now he just seems frustrated with the fact that there hasn't been much improvement going to mc at the end of the month to help set up guidelines for av trial separation. Man reading all that makes me have even less hope for R!


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Wait...he gave you HPV? From OW?


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

My cousin died of cervical cancer a few months ago. She attributed the HPV infection to her cheating husband and his dope smoking lover.

Separation usually doesn't usually save marriages, but HappyMan suggested to Road Scholar that his WW leave for awhile so that she could experience not living in the marital home. This might make a wayward suffer loneliness and pain that would make their remorse deeper and more genuine.

If you husband had to live in a little apartment and could only come and visit now and then, maybe he would open up to you in a new way.

Why don't you have sex? Is it because you have no desire for him?

What does he say abou the HPV?


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

Really you have to decide if you want to take the chunk of life you have left to find someone who will treat you better, doing so with all the difficulties of being a single parent, having a hysterectomy, and finding someone again or if you would rather be single and devote your time to being an awesome parent. Maybe get some hobbies and friends and stuff.

I hate to be a downer but R rarely works. I mean it could work, so don't feel like it won't, but your husband has already shown you exactly how much you should trust him. Do you want to live the rest of your life that way? I mean it's possible and things could improve, you may end up only half-heartedly checking up on him, but the fact that you have to should be enough.

It's a big decision and will have an enormous effect on your life. If you are looking to be married to someone who will be faithful and you can trust I'd say start the divorce process and resign yourself to a good year of personal growth and really difficult times. To me it's worth it.


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## kirdalt (Jun 13, 2014)

My obgyn wouldn't confirm that I contract HPV from him or her its just my assumption I have had regular ob visits and never had anything till now but the ob doc did tell me there isn't enough proof to know for sure because of lack of research on cases where the virus shows up a decade after contracted I think that's bs but I don't have a PhD so who knows my doc said to come back every 6 months to keep a close watch on it and said it might just go away or turn into cancer but knowing they can catch it early so that is the good news. My husband didn't believe me I had to show him the test results BC his came back clean although men are not tested for HPV so that would be why his test was clean my wasn't, having to prove that I wasnt lying killed my desire to sleep with him he said he was sorry and thought I was trying to make him feel worse than he already did pfff! He obviously didn't feel that bad sleeping with me and her without protection I only assume she had HPV BC of the hysterectomy she had recently


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## kirdalt (Jun 13, 2014)

But why else would a healthy 25 yr old have a full hysterectomy unless it cancer which HPV is one of the main causes of cervical cancer, which I show up with 6 months after his affair to many coincidences compound that to running into and being reminded of his A on a daily basis is just killing me inside. I can't wait to start IC in a few wks this has been hell for me Thanks everyone it does help to talk about it to an unbiased group


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I am so sorry, OP. I had an abnormal pap a year ago (ASC-US, though no HPV), and did a lot of reading on cervical cancer. HPV can show up decades after transmission.

I am amazed you have not filed. Are you just sticking it out for your kids? You don't want them to only see their dad part-time?


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## kirdalt (Jun 13, 2014)

I think its partly the kids knowing that it will be harder in some aspects to be av single parent, I was leaning towards waiting to file after I finished school but I won't have my AS for another year and 4 more for a B/A, but what I'm realizing is I might have to drop down to part time in order to keep working, also I barely made through last semester and its going to drop my GPA way down. I just feel stuck right now like its easier to stay but hurts so bad to be around him all the time. I can't see good in either choices I have tried making a pros and done list they are equally weighed its a tough choice


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I worked clerk jobs full time for 15 years while going to school at night, til I got my BA. If I can do it, you can do it.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

He can get tested can't he?


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## SteveK (Mar 15, 2014)

kirdalt said:


> My obgyn wouldn't confirm that I contract HPV from him or her its just my assumption I have had regular ob visits and never had anything till now but the ob doc did tell me there isn't enough proof to know for sure because of lack of research on cases where the virus shows up a decade after contracted I think that's bs but I don't have a PhD so who knows my doc said to come back every 6 months to keep a close watch on it and said it might just go away or turn into cancer but knowing they can catch it early so that is the good news. My husband didn't believe me I had to show him the test results BC his came back clean although men are not tested for HPV so that would be why his test was clean my wasn't, having to prove that I wasnt lying killed my desire to sleep with him he said he was sorry and thought I was trying to make him feel worse than he already did pfff! He obviously didn't feel that bad sleeping with me and her without protection I only assume she had HPV BC of the hysterectomy she had recently


Don't go crazy over the HPV. Not that you got it I mean that you will get sick.

Do you know the strain? Is it high risk or low risk?

Did they tell you you have any type of cellular changes?
It can take years to develop cancer. 

If you convert to LSIL then they can do a Leep or other procedure to " clean" it out.

Most cases convert and go away and you actually will end up resistant to that strain.

The low,risk variety causes genital warts!

The problem with the HPV virus is it's so small it can pass threw the latex of a condom.


Oh, and there's a chance your husband would have it too. And they have shown that there are men that have developed Stomach cancer from HPV.


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## kirdalt (Jun 13, 2014)

Thanks everyone I'm not too concerned about it getting worse well a little, but my ob did tell me the same thing, that knowing early, never showed up till 6 months ago, and it might go away on its own, I'm not sure of the strain high risk or low risk was kind of in shock and didn't ask as many Qs as I should have, but will when I go back As far him having it to my knowledge he wasn't even tested for it, it usually doesn't cause any complications in males and isn't in most test panels for STDs in men. It seems to add insult on top of everything else by him not believing what I was saying and didnt want to admit it might of came from him although I can't say it did, but knowing he sort of downplayed it and thinking I lied about it killed any desire to sleep with him, which is strange I don't have issues with honesty or never thought I wasn't believed by him maybe some sort of projection from his lies?


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