# Tired



## In The Dark (Aug 24, 2011)

Coming up on 7 months since D-day and I'm just tired. Basic plot, wife had EA with a neighbor friend of mine. She's shown remorse but basically has taken the path of least resistance during R. 

I had to cut off a toxic friend and the OM(so I got to be the bad guy twice). The OM trickle truthed his wife so she wanted to stay friends with my wife(she teaches at our kids school and again, only lives a few houses down from us). I initially never set no contact with OMW because assumed she wouldn't want to communicate with my wife after the EA but I guess she is rug sweeping. I finally had a talk with OMW and thought we were on the same page with moving on and having no contact between our families(again, I was the bad guy for having to stop the communication). 

This morning, I find a text from OMW to my wife and it obviously in response to a text my wife sent. Get this. My wife asked OMW to ask OM about an electrical problem going on at my wife's work(OM works for the power company). Is it too much to have a spouse that will step up, accept responsibility and make the sacrifices and steps needed to help me heal? A friendship with OMW means that OM is still loosely in the picture. 

A big problem in our marriage was that I was never put first in her priorities. Her family, our kids, her job, her friends, all seemed to come ahead of me during the first 10 years of our marriage(married 11 years this past weekend). I allowed that to happen and never complained. In counseling following D-day, I let her know that I would not be second again. She realized that it was true and has been trying to make me and our marriage her first priority but now it seems her friendship with OMW is above me. I think part of it is her massive guilt for wronging this woman but really, my wife needs to woman up and let OMW that our marriage is first and she needs to go no contact. I'm tired of having to constantly point out what my wife needs to do in order to repair our marriage. 

We are moving in two weeks to get away from this neighborhood and I'm half tempted to just sell our house but not close on the other house. My two kids(ages 9 and 5) are the big reason I want to work for R but damn, she needs to work for it too.

I really believe she is remorseful and I do verify she is not contacting OM anymore but it's tiring that she is not proactive in our recovery.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

In The Dark said:


> Coming up on 7 months since D-day and I'm just tired. Basic plot, wife had EA with a neighbor friend of mine. She's shown remorse but basically has taken the path of least resistance during R.
> 
> I had to cut off a toxic friend and the OM(so I got to be the bad guy twice). The OM trickle truthed his wife so she wanted to stay friends with my wife(she teaches at our kids school and again, only lives a few houses down from us). I initially never set no contact with OMW because assumed she wouldn't want to communicate with my wife after the EA but I guess she is rug sweeping. I finally had a talk with OMW and thought we were on the same page with moving on and having no contact between our families(again, I was the bad guy for having to stop the communication).
> 
> ...


I am with you. D-day for me was 29 Nov. and it was an EA/PA. My WS is doing most thing right. She was put on meds that just about stopped her sex drive (anti depressive). She said she did not like what it did to her in that department and would talk to her doctor about another med. That was back in December and she has not done a darn thing about it. I had a similar problem in the late 90"s and my WS got mad that I was not into sex, she researched the med I was on (for acid reflux) and in 5% of men it had this side effect. I went to the doctor the next day, and he put me on something else and I was back to normal in a few days. Yet, here she is, complaining about this for months and had not done a thing about it. I live in another city during the week and we had sex Friday night. She later told me that she had enough sex to last her for the week, WTH. I told her this morning, via text, the whole story of me in the 90's, how pisse* she got and how quickly I fixed it. I told her that she was going to get this fixed back in December and she has not done a thing. I told her that she obviously does not care.

I am driving forward in R but these set backs, roadblocks or whatever you want to call them suck.

There are some other issues, like the one above that I am just tired of having to bring up. I told my WS if you say you are going to do something then do it. What I am tired about is having to keep reminding her about what "SHE" told me she was going to do.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

It seems her actions are speaking so loud that they are drowning out her words. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. The fact that she would contact the OM's wife to get the OM to fix a problem with her at work says it all. You and your feelings are simply not a priority to her. The fact that she would do this behind your back is unbelievable. I would strong suggest that you consult an attorney to understand your options. Your wife clearly has no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will?


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Your selling house is not a solution. What if she starts the same thing elsewhere?

I think she needs to get IC.


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## In The Dark (Aug 24, 2011)

bryanp said:


> It seems her actions are speaking so loud that they are drowning out her words. *No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change.* The fact that she would contact the OM's wife to get the OM to fix a problem with her at work says it all. You and your feelings are simply not a priority to her. The fact that she would do this behind your back is unbelievable. I would strong suggest that you consult an attorney to understand your options. Your wife clearly has no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will?


I think you hit the nail on the head there. I believe she loves me but she avoids conflict like no other. So she won't tell other people(Toxic Friend, OM, OMW) to go away so we can work on our marriage. That's leaves me to do it and then I can be the bad guy instead of her. It's like dealing with a child. When I point out things, then she get it. She actually pouted after I cut off contact with OMW. When I snapped at her for doing that, she finally saw what she was doing and was great for a few days. Now back to this. 

Thorburn is right. These set backs/roadblocks to R do suck.


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## In The Dark (Aug 24, 2011)

AngryandUsed said:


> Your selling house is not a solution. What if she starts the same thing elsewhere?
> 
> I think she needs to get IC.


The house selling was more for me. I can't stand seeing OM's car everyday when I come home. Plus, they have kids, toxic woman has kids, we have kids and it's hard to tell little ones that they can't go out and play with their friends. It inevitably leads to contact with these people that I want nothing to do with. The environment is not good for R so I'm doing what I can.

You are right, she could start the same thing elsewhere. There are no guarantees in life but why not try? You are right though about counseling. I was thinking about getting us back in MC, especially given the latest scenario. Would love for her to go to IC but just don't see it happening.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

She's painting you into a corner.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

In The Dark said:


> The house selling was more for me. I can't stand seeing OM's car everyday when I come home. Plus, they have kids, toxic woman has kids, we have kids and it's hard to tell little ones that they can't go out and play with their friends. It inevitably leads to contact with these people that I want nothing to do with. The environment is not good for R so I'm doing what I can.
> 
> You are right, she could start the same thing elsewhere. There are no guarantees in life but why not try? You are right though about counseling. I was thinking about getting us back in MC, especially given the latest scenario. *Would love for her to go to IC but just don't see it happening*.


Then she isn't interested in fixing the marriage.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Consider filing. She'll get the clear message where it is heading, and might reconsider her priorities.

You shouldn't bluff with D, but it's a great last resort when you are fed up with this.


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## In The Dark (Aug 24, 2011)

snap said:


> Consider filing. She'll get the clear message where it is heading, and might reconsider her priorities.
> 
> You shouldn't bluff with D, but it's a great last resort when you are fed up with this.


It's reaching that point(being fed up). Divorce is something I've thought about but I don't want to take it lightly. People on here tend to throw it out as if it were a quick and easy fix(I don't think you are doing that). 

There is much involved, including two beautiful children. I have started looking into it but it will be the last resort. If I ever file, it won't be a tactic, it will be a white flag. 

I've just reached a point of frustation that she doesn't "get it". That I always have to be the one to point issues out and get her to realize the damage she is doing. It is tiring, being on the edge, wondering what else I have to worry about. I'm getting numb and that is not good.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

In The Dark said:


> It's reaching that point(being fed up). Divorce is something I've thought about but I don't want to take it lightly. *People on here tend to throw it out as if it were a quick and easy fix(I don't think you are doing that). *
> 
> There is much involved, including two beautiful children. I have started looking into it but it will be the last resort. If I ever file, it won't be a tactic, it will be a white flag.
> 
> I've just reached a point of frustation that she doesn't "get it". That I always have to be the one to point issues out and get her to realize the damage she is doing. It is tiring, being on the edge, wondering what else I have to worry about. I'm getting numb and that is not good.


If you can, read some old threads in CWI for a couple of days and you'll see perfect examples on how couples got back together after a minor EA and few months down the road WS went back to EA/PA.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

In The Dark said:


> It's reaching that point(being fed up). Divorce is something I've thought about but I don't want to take it lightly. People on here tend to throw it out as if it were a quick and easy fix(I don't think you are doing that).
> 
> There is much involved, including two beautiful children. I have started looking into it but it will be the last resort. If I ever file, it won't be a tactic, it will be a white flag.
> 
> I've just reached a point of frustation that she doesn't "get it". That I always have to be the one to point issues out and get her to realize the damage she is doing. It is tiring, being on the edge, wondering what else I have to worry about. I'm getting numb and that is not good.


D is not an easy solution. As my WS told me she realized how serious I was when I showed her what I started and gave her the name of the attorney (who she knows), she said, "You will have the same pain whether you stay or divorse me". Her actions changed my mind to try to work it out, but her words seem to be true to many here who are in the process or did indeed divorce. There are threads that talk about "Why we stay", and there are many reasons.

My WS does not always get it, like yours. Part of the problem for me is that my WS is on meds that make her feel good, I have not left her, she started a new job today, our antique business has picked up, etc. Her life is going pretty good and here I am still in pieces. 

I feel like I am the one who points out issues as well. I am the one who "talks about it". I feel if I did not she wouldn't. I do get the sense from many other posters that this is fairly common. The WS feels shame, embarrasment etc, and do not want to talk about it. I get that.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

There have to be consequences, as was said above-----and they MUST be harsh enuff---to MAKE her take notice of them

If you are continually 2nd---then simply tell her, you are tired, of her DISRESPECT of you---for that's what putting you 2nd IS-----and since she won't change, then she doesn't have to deal with you at all, as in a DIVORCED, NOW SINGLE MOTHER OF CHILDREN, WHO WILL NOW HAVE TO WORK HARD TO MAKE IT ON HER OWN

That hopefully will get her attention-----remorse is remorse, it isn't necessarily what is needed to get the mge. going again---that takes ACTIONS, and heavy lifting on her part.


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

Did you expose to OMW? If not, please do so. She needs that info to see who her husband really is. Do not worry about your wife's response to losing this friend; it's just one of the consequences she needs to suffer to appreciate the hell she's created for you.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Do you wish to live the rest of your life being a warden? Your wife is very immature and totally self-centered. You are not a priority. She knows that she can engage in all sorts of disrespect and humiliating behavior toward you and you will always forgive her. What is wrong with this picture?


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## In The Dark (Aug 24, 2011)

river rat said:


> Did you expose to OMW? If not, please do so. She needs that info to see who her husband really is. Do not worry about your wife's response to losing this friend; it's just one of the consequences she needs to suffer to appreciate the hell she's created for you.


I did expose but handled it poorly the first time. I had phone records showing the amount of phone calls and texts(but no content). But the extent of calls and texts were enough for me to know it was inappropriate(along with several other things that happened last summer). I confronted my wife first. She denied, saying the famous "we're just friends" line but ultimately cracked and said it was inappropriate. I took her phone and bluffed, saying I had a program that could retrieve all the messages and she finally came forward with most of the info I have now(that it was extremely flirtatious, along with some of the things they sent one another). I'm sure I didn't get everything. 

He and I were supposed to go running that evening. He texted me to see if I was ready to go and I told him I would meet him at his house. I basically laid into him when I got there and it was all I could do not to get physical. He denied, said they were just friends. I stopped him and told him I had her phone and had a program I was running and would have the full transcript. Told him that he needed to tell his wife before I did(big mistake on my part). He did freak out at that as he knew they were busted.

Couple of days later, his wife called wanting to speak to my wife. OMW came down to talk to my wife about it all. Then asked to speak to me. When I went outside to speak to her, she asked what was going on. It was obvious neither of them had told her anything other than "I'm sorry". Once I gave her the evidence I did have and the things my wife had said, she became livid. I do know she kicked him out for several days.

OMW and I talked some during the next few days, trying to compare notes and see if we had come up with any new info(I told her I had bluffed to get some of the info). Shortly thereafter, OMW told me that she needed to cut off communication with me. That they were working on reconciling and that this was her idea(found out later, it wasn't). I was okay with not communicating as I was dealing with everything in my house. 

Fast forward a few months and my wife and OMW began slowly communicating again(they were friends before). I didn't know how to handle it but my wife was so grateful for the forgiveness from the OMW that I just didn't do anything. The communication between the two started to grow and they started planning movie nights and sleepovers for the kids and that's when I knew I needed to step in(too late I know but I'm still trying to figure out how to handle everything). Growing relationship between the two would mean eventual contact with OM.

Sure enough, OM started e-mailing me asking if the girls can get along now, then why can't we? Are you kidding me? (BTW, both my wife and OM lied to me several times concerning my suspicions during the summer while OMW was never lied to. They "only" hid everything from her). I never replied as I knew silence would bother him more than me lighting into him. 

Later that week, the school had a father-daughter dance practice for a spring banquet our school has. OMW is a teacher at the school. OM has a daughter at the school too so we all were there. OM sat away from everyone and I basically ignored him. It was very awkward as my wife and OMW were all there too(not a very big school). I just ignored him and paid attention to my daughter, the reason I was there. After the practice, OMW texted me to see if she and I could visit. I had been wanting to visit with her anyway to discuss the growing friendship with my wife.

Seems the OM was upset that he couldn't visit with anybody at the practice while OMW, my wife and me could all visit with each other. Are you serious??? ...Um..I'm was a little upset that you were fishing for my wife all summer. Get real. During my visit with OMW, I realized that he had downplayed the whole thing to her and he insisted that they were just friends but that the amount of calls and texts were probably inappropriate. Forget the fact that they conspired to conceal these innocent texts, lied to me constantly during my suspicions, the fact that he approached me and asked for an apology for thinking he would ever do that to me(face palm for me b/c I did apologize) and that my wife admitted that the texts were very inappropriate. 

I tried to explain to OMW that it was an inappropriate relationship. She asked me if I thought she was naive...um...yes. She then said, "you really have some trust issues don't you". I knew she was clueless then. She did say she did not want my wife and OM to have contact and agreed that we should not have contact other than school issues.

Two days later, I stumble upon my wife playing Draw Something with OMW on the ipad. And then the text this morning. I'm just friggin' tired of it all. 

There are times when my wife is fantastic at our R. I believe she is really sorry. I believe she has not communicated with him since D-day. She has been more affectionate and has put more into our marriage that she has in a long time. But I also believe that sometimes she is just clueless and/or thoughtless about the damage she has done. And these setbacks just delay/drag out our recovery. To the point where I wonder whether it is worth it. 

Sorry for the long post but guess I've been needing to get this off my chest.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

In The Dark said:


> My two kids(ages 9 and 5) are the big reason I want to work for R but damn, she needs to work for it too.


Wrong reason to R, you want to R because you still want your wife. If you're sticking it out for the kids and hope to get your wife back then you're in for a world of hurt.


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## In The Dark (Aug 24, 2011)

cheatinghubby said:


> Wrong reason to R, you want to R because you still want your wife. If you're sticking it out for the kids and hope to get your wife back then you're in for a world of hurt.


I guess I could have phrased that better. There's no doubt that I am still in love with my wife and want this to work because of that. However, I do get frustrated and when thoughts of throwing in the towel come into my head, I think of my kids and try to push on longer.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Dark---OK enuff is enuff---it is time you sat your wife down, and had a SERIOUS---conversation, about Complete NC, with that other family---that includes everyone-----Wife, kids won't like it---TUFF SH*T-----Having NC, now, is a whole lot better than resumption of contact, which makes you look weak, and eventually they could get back to where they were.

They are gonna make you out to be the bad guy---the minute that comes out of your wife's mouth---you come right back----as ICY COLD, AND UNEMOTIONAL AS YOU CAN BE---and you tell her point blank BUT FOR, what you did none of this would be happening-----

Then you tell her---she either cuts off the other family, or she can start to look for an atty. to defend a D action

Unfortunately---too many times, you MUST bring out the big stick---to get your point across.

Do not let this slide one more day---each day the families get closer----your position gets weaker, if you do nothing.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

_I had phone records showing the amount of phone calls and texts(but no content). But the extent of calls and texts were enough for me to know it was inappropriate(along with several other things that happened last summer). I confronted my wife first. She denied, saying the famous "we're just friends" line but ultimately cracked and said it was inappropriate. I took her phone and bluffed, saying I had a program that could retrieve all the messages and she finally came forward with most of the info I have now(that it was extremely flirtatious, along with some of the things they sent one another). *I'm sure I didn't get everything.*_

I don't see how you can consider yourself in reconciliation if she has not been willing to come clean with the full truth. You are not going to be able to heal from this if you feel that your wife has not respected you enough to tell you the truth.

From what you've written in this thread, I don't see how you rule out physical contact. Apparently you found an overwhelming number of texts, but your wife and the other man told you only a relatively small amount of what was in them.

I think you chalk up your wife's actions too much to naivete. She was sophisticated enough to carry on an emotional, possibly physical affair with the other man, sophisticated enough to hide it from you, and sophisticated enough to lie about it quite convincingly once you uncovered, yet she is too naive to realize that asking the other man's wife to speak to the other man on her behalf is not appropriate? To me, that is the same as "fishing." Your wife might as well have spoken to the other man directly, the other man's wife was just the conduit.

You are the one that is naive, not her. Your wife and the other man both lied to you, and you even apologized to him. Even today you do not know the truth. That is sophistication and manipulation on her part, naivete on your part.

Cheaters lie. Believe only their actions, not their words. I think that still applies to you. As far as I'm concerned, she's still "in the affair" if she has and is holding back many details you sought about the content of the texts and the extent of her relationship with the other man.

Also, by holding back the explicit details of the texts from the other man's wife, your wife is protecting the other man.


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## In The Dark (Aug 24, 2011)

Update: Wife and I talked a few days ago and seemed to be on the same page. Then yesterday, I go to meet her and the kids at my son's baseball practice. I get there and notice my daughter is not there. I ask my wife where she is and she tells me that she is at OM/OMW's house playing with their daughter. I didn't want to make a scene in front of the other parents but told her "that's about what I expect from you these days." 

I had to leave after practice to go to a meeting and then prepared myself to go home and tell her that maybe it's best that we go our separate ways since she can't leave this other family and have placed OMW's, my daughter's, her own feelings ahead of mine. I took my time collecting my thoughts as I really don't want to leave but feel such disrespect and so low on her priority list.

I get home and she and the kids are singing on my duaghter's karaoke machine. I sit and watch and realize this might be the last time we are all together, happy as a family. Very sad. We get the kids in bed and she tells me good night and she is going to bed. I stop her and she can tell I've been pissed/upset. 

Before I can say a word, she tells me, (paraphrased as I have a bad memory)"I'm talking with OMW tomorrow and letting her know we are going NC. I've been hoping you would allow me to remain friends with OMW but I can see that it bothers you. I don't want to always feel like I'm in trouble and I don't want to keep hurting you."

In my opinion, this is the first real heavy lifting she has done. She's always been passive, forcing me to set the guidelines or forcing me to confront the others involved. All I said was a terse "thank you" since I was not expecting her to be proactive at all. To be honest, it threw me off since I was preparing for a talk about possible divorce.

I was expecting her to be moody, sad, pouting this morning but she was quite cheerful and loving. I'm now in this weird state as I had prepared mentally to drop the D bomb but that is on hold for now(I never let her know I had come to that point). I don't want to ruin a chance at R if she is (finally) willing to do some work but don't want to lower my guard much as her prior actions have been slow to non-existant when it comes to the heavy lifting. 

Guess I'll see how it goes for the next week. Don't know how to properly phrase it but I've disconnected a bit but can't show it.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

In The Dark said:


> Update: Wife and I talked a few days ago and seemed to be on the same page. Then yesterday, I go to meet her and the kids at my son's baseball practice. I get there and notice my daughter is not there. I ask my wife where she is and she tells me that she is at OM/OMW's house playing with their daughter. I didn't want to make a scene in front of the other parents but told her "that's about what I expect from you these days."
> 
> I had to leave after practice to go to a meeting and then prepared myself to go home and tell her that maybe it's best that we go our separate ways since she can't leave this other family and have placed OMW's, my daughter's, her own feelings ahead of mine. I took my time collecting my thoughts as I really don't want to leave but feel such disrespect and so low on her priority list.
> 
> ...


I think this is an excellent sign. I know you don't want to let your guard down but you should follow up with a conversation and simply tell her that you were really feeling like giving up on R because you felt she wasn't respecting you and your feelings. You don't necessarily have to tell her you were thinking of divorce but you can say you were contemplating a separation. If you don't tell her how much you were hurting she will never know the true extent of your pain.

You've disconnected because of resentment building up inside. You need to share your feelings in a way that demonstrates to her the extent of your disconnect. This is the time to open up dialog and communication. Otherwise you're heading down a road that leads to a dead end.


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