# Husband cheated on me but now accuses me of cheating?



## wanttotrust (Feb 2, 2016)

My husband recently confessed he was having a 3 month affair with a 20 yo woman that "picked HIM up in a bar." Anyhow. We are working on therapy and marriage repair. He has been very open with all his accounts and passwords, though honestly I don't have time to surveil him full time. It feels like we are making progress.

Before we were making progress, I told him if I wanted to cheat, he would never know about it. Because he wouldn't. But mostly because I wouldn't. He kept saying that I obviously have a hall pass. But I know that would be the true end to our marriage.

I got curious as to how one maintains a separate FB account (they used one to communicate) so I created one but haven't used it at all. 

But this afternoon I was trying to repair a NYTimes subscription, and I can't figure out what email I have it under. (You know how you get a free 4 week subscription with a new email? Yeah. Hard to manage.) He takes a peek at my screen when I'm in the bathroom and suddenly it's a storm of accusatory texts. "I've been open with all my accounts, why do you have sneaky accounts?" Except I've had this email for many years, and usually give it for email coupons, insurance quotes, etc. It's not a sneaky account. 

What's going on? Is he so devoted to cheating he can't imagine no one else is?


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
Deceit breeds insecurity, on both sides of the deception. Many who lie do not wish to be lied to. Couple that with their guilt from their own prevarication and you get suspicion, sometimes to the point of paranoia.


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## nursejackie (May 22, 2015)

Your H knows how easy it is to have an A having had one himself. He may feel if he could do it you could do it. I agree with NC- definitely can breed suspicion and paranoia.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

He had an affair and now worries that once things are less fresh you may feel like having a revenge affair so he is super insecure. He knows how he went about it so any sign of you doing anything along the same lines will be met with suspicion. tell him that you are open with him but this is the price he pays for cheating.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

He should be able to see the junk email account for what it is. I have one, pretty much nothing but spam.


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## wanttotrust (Feb 2, 2016)

Thanks for the insightful replies. 

I went to meet his therapist yesterday for a planned session and asked about this. He said this behavior is often a sign of projection (when people defend themselves against their own unpleasant impulses by denying their existence while attributing them to others). This might be a sign my DH is thinking about re-offending or just trying to wiggle out from owning his own bad behavior. It sure would make him feel better to think I had or was planning to also cheat.

The therapist encouraged me to filter any comments/attacks through the "projection filter", and to call out my husband immediately on any bs. 

Best wishes,
L


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

wanttotrust said:


> Thanks for the insightful replies.
> 
> I went to meet his therapist yesterday for a planned session and asked about this. He said this behavior is often a sign of projection (when people defend themselves against their own unpleasant impulses by denying their existence while attributing them to others). This might be a sign my DH is thinking about re-offending or just trying to wiggle out from owning his own bad behavior. It sure would make him feel better to think I had or was planning to also cheat.
> 
> ...


My wife was convinced that after she cheated on me that I was having revenge affairs.

But of course, I wasn't.

Until eventually, I did.  

Stupidest, dumbest thing I ever did.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

The most common sign of a guilty party, whatever that guilt might be entailed into, is accusing other's. If he is adamantly accusing you of being unfaithful chances are he is projecting his own guilt unto you as a narcissistic way of coping with his own guilt. Keep your ear's open and your eye's wide, start digging, you may find your answer to this accusation catalyst.


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## blahfridge (Dec 6, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> My wife was convinced that after she cheated on me that I was having revenge affairs.
> 
> But of course, I wasn't.
> 
> ...


I did the same, MattMatt. But, I don't really regret it. Heresy here on TAM, but the truth. It finally forced my H to admit to not one but five affairs, at least. I still don't think I know the full truth. They happened many years ago now, but the damage was already done by his lack of remorse and continued lying. 
OP, he is afraid he is going to lose you over what he did. But you need to ask yourself whether it is because he loves you and is truly remorseful or because he doesn't want his life with you to end. There is a difference.


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## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

I don't think what your husband is doing is projection. You're both in a period where trust is going to be an issue, whether you were the offender or not. If you have anything online or a bank account or anything that he doesn't know about, then it's reason for him to suspect you are doing something that might "harm". It doesn't have to be an affair.

Solution? Talk about it. Tell him about things that he may not know about. Let him be the offender, you the clean one.

I had to post here, by the way, simply because of your ID!!!


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

My cheating ex-sister-in-law did this projection thing with my brother-in-law all the time. Always trying to find something. She found gum wrappers and a panty liner in the dryer and accused my BIL of having an affair. The items were in the dryer because her mom was visiting for the weekend and she did her own laundry.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

It is not uncommon for someone who cheats to feel that others can cheat too. After all, if he could do it so could you. The trust between you was broken and it takes many years to regain that, if ever. Plus he knows how easily he lied to you and figures you can lie to him too. Plus it is not unusual for a wife that was cheated on to cheat on her husband for revenge. I was with a married woman who just caught her husband cheating and she was out for revenge. She let me do anything I wanted to do with her, especially the things she did not let her husband to do. She wanted to be treated like a total **** and was telling me to do things that I would find degrading to a woman but she wanted it and no way to argue with an erect penis, as they say. 

Last case in point. The wife of our best friend knew her husband was cheating. He was not very discreet about it. She finally confronted him and he confessed. Her response was to have an affair with her boss that lead to their divorce. So the spouse that cheated has good reason to think his spouse may cheat for revenge or at least to be even. The larger issue is how do you stay married to someone who has proven he is a liar and a cheat. You can forgive but never forget. Most times you can predict a person's future behavior by their past behavior. The expression, once a cheat, always a cheat, is more true than not. Both of my cheating girlfriends went on to marry and cheat on their husbands and divorced. You have to ask yourself if you are willing to live with a man who you will be suspicious of every day of your life?

BTW, deflecting to the non cheating spouse is a common tactic. They try to blame you for their cheating or keep you on the defense by saying that you are cheating. It is all a diversion. Just thought you should know.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Why is he still in the house? Send him packing until he understands his role. HE CHEATED ON YOU! If this is going to be his way of shifting this to you then he has the wrong mind set to fix things. Just a thought....


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## wanttotrust (Feb 2, 2016)

blahfridge;14852882
OP said:


> I agree there is a very big gulf between those two points. I think he is truly remorseful. He knows I would work with him on child visitation and absolutely would not poison his relationship with our kids. (My parents divorced and my father disappeared for at least 6 years. Asshat.)
> 
> Wanttolove! We must have great minds?  And yes, I also told him I have nothing to hide. He already knows all my skeletons, and he's free to look at my accounts, etc.


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## IDon'tKnowAnymore (Jul 6, 2015)

Yes.
Since he did it, he can easily imagine you doing the same. Especially if it was something he did and it came easily to him.
Being untrustworthy often makes one untrusting of others.
Also, many spouses who have been cheated on go on a revenge cheating spree, and perhaps he imagines that you want to pay him back by doing the same. If that's the case, it would be a good idea to communicate about this idea, and assure him that you are really not into that because you're simply not that type of person.


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