# Emotional Affair advice



## mb112074 (Jul 22, 2013)

My wife and I have been married 5 years and we have a 2 and 4 year old. I've never suspected her of cheating, but she has been distant for some time now. I found out that she was sending some explicit pictures via text to someone. I looked into it and found out that my wife was texting this guy a lot and had sent him some pictures. The first time I asked her, she said he was an old friend. A few weeks later, after I had proof that she sent a photo, I asked her again. She came clean and said she was talking to this guy and sent him some pictures. She was considering seeing him. She says she broke it off on her own and she's over it now. The time frame fits with her behavior as her attitude has been much more normal over the past week and I checked the phone records and there is no more communication with this person.

Now, I believe her when she says she never saw him in person, only by text. She says guilt made her break it off before it became physical. That's not my issue. My issue is this;

I am feeling a lot of emotions right now. I am angry and I feel betrayed. I feel unwanted. She is talking to me about what we can do to make things better. She says she was bored. She felt excited when she was texting this guy. She feels that she stopped it, so it is ok. She just doesn't want to talk about it. I still feel betrayed, but she doesn't feel that it was a betrayal because she stopped it on her own. She feels guilty but she wants to move on and build our relationship. How do I tell her that I still feel hurt? How do I tell her I'm not ok? This consumes my mind day and night. Not the what, but the why.I feel a little lost right now.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

For starters don't believe anything she says, look up trickle truth. And start reading here:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

You have every right to feel betrayed, and not let her sweep it under the rug. That's also called cake-eating, where she "gets" to betray you and you don't "get" to make her feel bad about it. 

It may have gone physical and you don't know it. I hope that's not the case. I know how that feels. 

Read the newbie stuff and keep posting. There are lots of folks here to help you see this for what it is.


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## darklilly23 (May 26, 2013)

Personally I would tell her that you understand that she feels guilty and that is an uncomfortable thing to feel and that she wants to move on and rebuild your marriage and tell her that is what you want as well but you have your own feelings to deal with and in order to rebuild the marriage you will bouth have to deal with things and get to a more stable place. And if she is in with you on the effort the marriage needs to make it stronger then wonderful, that you bouth need to go to IC and MC.

I compleatly understand your anger, it sounds like your W is remorseful and willing to work on R, I think there are a lot of things you will need like NC with OM, openess with pass word etc in order for you to heal. If you can really get her into the idea of the two of you working on the marriage as a team then she won't see you and the Marriage counseler as enamys and you have a better chance of 
Getting her to face that what she did hurt you and was wrong and you can get your need me in order for you to heal. You may have to be more gental with her than she deserves to get your needs met.
Basically get her commitment to the idea of R and drag her rear end Into MC. Think if it like getting a dog to go to the vet by waving a treat at it so it will get in the car.

It sounds like your W is rug sweeping for some reason, either out if guilt or she fears the punishment (having to face that what she did was wrong and that it hurt you) that she thinks is coming, this is backed up with the statement by her " I did not do anything wrong and I cut it off myself" if she did not feel like she did anything wrong then she would have no guilt or be running away from her actions.

But all this is just IMHO so see what others who actually have been through R have to say.

Mablenc has a good point, you might not know the full truth yet, kind of seems there might be more to the story.

Keep posting here there is lots of support. 
Good luck!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Answer these questions please.


How do you know the EA is actually over?
How do you know that it never went PA? Because she told you so?
Have you gotten tested for STDs?
How are you monitoring her? 
Do you have access to her phone? Email accounts?
Are you using a VAR?
Have you installed computer monitoring software?
Is she transparent? Or is she still keeping secrets?

*NEVER, EVER* believe what a cheater tells you without verifying it yourself. That's one of the first rules. The second is Trickle Truth: They will only admit to what you can prove. She is not remorseful, she wants to rug sweep the affair.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

This is why i think you are upset "She feels that she stopped it, so it is ok. She just doesn't want to talk about it. I still feel betrayed, but she doesn't feel that it was a betrayal because she stopped it on her own. She feels guilty but she wants to move on and build our relationship,"
She is not owning up, so what if she stopped she still cheated, she should be able to talk about it for your sake at least. If she didn't feel it was betrayal, why doesn't she want to talk about it? And why does she feel guilty? 

She's playing with your head and you know it and that make it hurt even more. Before you do anything else look for more evidence and do not, I repeat do not confront her with what you have until you have enough evidence. Otherwise you will sit your whole life wondering what really happened. And this my friend feels 10 xs worse than what you are feeling right now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

mb,

The first thing you need to do is to continue to monitor her covertly. VAR in her car would be a wise choice. If she's switched to a burner phone the VAR may catch it. Put a key logger on her computer and continue to track her cell phone calls. 

Don't assume that this didn't reach a PA or that there is no contact. You need to do everything you can to verify this.You have to know what you are forgiving.

Your wife is attempting to rug sweep this and you are allowing her to do it. CS's must have consequences. You're not giving her any. 

Her not wanting to talk about this is simply unacceptable. Let her know that.

Has she sent a no contact letter to OM? She needs to.

Have you exposed the OM to his wife/SO, to your family, to her family? You need to. Don't tell her you're going to do it, just do it.

Has she become completely transparent with her communication devices - passwords? She should be.

Is she accountable for her time? Have you insisted on reasonable boundaries - no GNO's, no communication with male friends? That needs to happen. 

If she doesn't accept these consequences, then she is not remorseful. Her lack of remorse, even if just an EA, will make true R with her all but impossible.

If she doesn't cooperate and "demonstrate" remorse, then you should be prepared to implement the 180 to detach from her (find the link here or google it) and talk to an attorney about D. It's possible that she has a lack of understanding about what it's like to lose her husband for cheating.

Sorry you had to come here. Keep posting.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

How would you feel if you knew she lay in bed and masturbated while having phone sex with him..

LYING IN YOUR BED AND HAVING ORGASMS GIVEN TO HER BY ANOTHER MANS VOICE....

I think you have a right to full disclosure, a no contact letter to the other man...I would also contact him in person and if he is married, expose it to his wife.....

Tell her you want all the details of her EA/?PA, a written timeline, whether there was phone sex, how many others have there been, Full transparency, all passwords, put a key logger on her computer....

And I would consider getting a GPS for the car....She was inches away from being in his bed....I HOPE...

Tell her that when she has given you ALL the details, she will be required to take a poly graph, and that any omissions, or lies will result in a divorce.......

Do you think this is overkill...How fast do you act when beating out a fire or killing a snake? This is just as serious....Others on this board will confirm my words....

the woodchuck


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I know that everything we are saying goes against what you want to do, and it's a hard pill to swollow but, this is the only proven method that works. So be strong if you handle this the right way, you can get passed this with a better outcome and you will not kick yourself later.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Rule for the waywrd: There IS NO "get over it".

She says its stopped? Wanna see if thats really true? Meet: Me. Resident VAR goon and cheating wife buster.(we get mostly cheating wives here). 60% chance she is still in contact.

IF you want the truth....
DO THIS TODAY. Grab your keys. Go to best buy and get it done!
NOW

Buy 2 sony ICDPX312 voice activated recorders. Best Buy sells them for like 50 bucks. DO NOT BUY THE cheapies. USE LITHIUM batteries. We have examples of 25 hour recordings using them on these sony recorders. Set bit rate to 44K and sensitivity to very high or better. Turn off the beep feature. Its on one of the menus.

Go to Walmart and buy heavy duty velcro.

Use the velcro to attach the var under her seat UP INSIDE. SECURE IT WELL!!!!!! So well even a big bump wont knock it off.

Put the second in whatever room she uses to talk in when you are not around.

Usual warning. If you hear another man get in her car STOP Listening and have a trusted friend tell you what went on. Knowing she is a cheat will kill you. Hearing her moan while another man is inside her will murder you to your very soul!!!!!! You are not strong enough to hear that. Dont try it. I know what I am talking about in this.

Play dumb husband for a bit. Dont drive her further underground! NO MORE CONFRONTS!! NEVER give up you get your intel from the VAR. You always got your info from a PI or someone saw them.

If you need clean up the recordings get Audacity. Its free from the internet. I have used it on var work for others here to remove things like engine noise. If needed, I have done var work for three men here. RDMU is the only one who has released some of the confidentiality. Read his second thread for my reliability and confidentiality. NEVER GIVE UP YOUR ELECTRONIC EVIDENCE. They were seen by a PI or something NOT your VAR!!

The ezoom GPS has been found to be easy to buy at Radio shack and useful.

Look for a burner phone. That is often why wives let the husband "see their phone"

Look for apps on her phone like words with friends. It has a non traceable texting feature.


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## darklilly23 (May 26, 2013)

The problem with the "she feels that there is nothing wrong and now it time to move on" is that it indacates a disregarded for you and your feelings ( not to mention the very wrong actions she engaged in) taking control out of your hands. This may be a indcator of bad streak in her like entitlement or taking you for granted.

Is she this way in other areas of your life? Not caring about how things make you feel and doing whatever she wants to do?

You might have to take a harder approach like other posters have said depending on what you find out.
Get lots of input and plan well before you make your move.
Resist confronting her before you have your ducks in a row.

If you feel angry and want to blow up come here for support and advice so you don't lose any doors ( evidence gathering etc, MC advice, the best plan of action etc).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I'll add clear your computer history and delete any emails from this site, delete from the deleted folder too! You don't want her a step ahead of you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Look at that, mb, in just a couple hours you have some of the best advice you're going to get. 

Now it's up to you to do it.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Op sorry you are here 

Step 1 do not believe anything she says. She has already lied to you about him when you confronted without photo evidence. 

Step 2 listen to weightlifter and get the vars 

Step 3 ask her to take a polygraph and gauge her reaction. Follow thru do not be surprised if you get a parking lot confession.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Exchanging sexually explicit photos isn't just an EA, it's a PA as far as I am concerned.

She's the one who cheated, so she does NOT get to call the shots here! Gather your evidence and then demand answers, and if she isn't willing to give them, come down hard on her. I would say kick her out if she continues to refuse to answer.


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## mb112074 (Jul 22, 2013)

Thank you all for the advice. I can't say 100% that she broke all contact, but from what I can tell by phone records, they match her story. The number stopped appearing on my statements a week before she knew I knew about it. We still haven't had that one on one talk where she comes clean. I will know when that happens what to do next.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

She won't come clean if you don't have evidence. Turn around and reread the responses..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

mb112074 said:


> Thank you all for the advice. I can't say 100% that she broke all contact, but from what I can tell by phone records, they match her story. The number stopped appearing on my statements a week before she knew I knew about it. We still haven't had that one on one talk where she comes clean. I will know when that happens what to do next.


You can't just rely on the phone records. Read the advice given to you. She can get a burner phone, otherwise known as an affair phone/pay as you go phone that can be bought at almost any store nowadays, this is why you've been advised to get a VAR. 

Sexting with photos is a very bad sign, because it indicates a deeper level of familiarity and intimacy. Would your WW send nekkid photos of her private parts to just anyone? Think about it.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

MB

You are messaging with people who are damn good at dealing with bad.

BTW read my post about burner phones and do the VAR thing. I cant go to best buy for you.

Ive been heavily involved in busting about 18 wives as of now. Been there done that. Please stop ignoring.

You may get info from the var that allows you to c0ckblock your wife from taking the EA to PA. The sanity you save may be your own. Then again, she may be doing him as I type if you are not together right now...

bad bad red flag.

Get it done. 

I get likes cause I am damn good at the investigation phase. Then I let Mach for example talk about the attraction part cause he is good at that part, etc.


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## JR&JR (Jun 30, 2013)

MB,
I agree with the other posts. Just because she is over the EA doesn't mean that you are. Naturally, she wants to put it behind her and move on because it's not something that she's proud of doing. Don't fall into that trap. There must be consequences for her actions. If not, what's to stop her from doing it again in the future? 

I would also start thinking about your requirements will be for her when you have "the talk", if you haven't already. Email and FB passwords, no deleting texts, total access to her phone, etc. I was given this advice on this site and will pass it on - Trust but verify.

Good luck.


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## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

I think she is just mad you confronted her about the pictures. I would be really cautious here. And a EA is just and PA that hasn't happened yet imho, and honestly I don't see much difference in talking about what she wants to do to him and actually physically doing it, or even worse if she catches feelings for him.. its all bad news my friend. sorry to be so blunt


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

mb112074 said:


> MShe was considering seeing him. She says she broke it off on her own and she's over it now.


This ain't over. Not by a long shot... She was "planning" on meeting him. Just because she "broke it off", does not mean that it's "over". What happens when he contacts her again? What if it's through an account, or by a means, that you know nothing about yet?...

What about the next guy?...

You don't think that there will ever be a next guy?...

You never had thought that there would have ever been this guy?...

Your journey has just begun my friend. Educate yourself on and make decisions about her infidelity with your head, not your heart.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

If she sent naked photos to this "old friend", she's giving the OM a preview of things to come. If it hasn't happened already. I agree with everyone here. I would have the talk and if you feel there's more and she's not being honest, tell her your setting up an appointment of a polygraph test. If she gives you a hard time then you know that the rat is still in the wood pile. Let her know that it's either your way or she can head on down the highway. 

Lord only knows that it's not the easiest thing to do because you might have to here more ugly things, but do you want to live the rest of your life with this thing she did on your shoulders? The way she's acting, she's more than willing to let you carry the load. Bad way to live especially when you didn't cause it. This is her dirty laundry and it's her responsibility to do what's necessary to clean it up.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Sorry you are here. You have been given great advice above. USE IT!

I have one other recommendation. Get "Not Just Friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass. It is a good readable book on affairs (physical and emotional). It will be good for you, and if your spouse is truly repentent, also for her to read.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You cannot just let this slide under the rug

She was bored---and she hooked up with another man---I don't care if he was 3,000 miles away---"he worked her"---he got pictures of her, pictures that probably only you should be entitled to---do not be surprised if they had phone sex---who knows why she cut it off---do not be surprised if he pressured her for a meeting, and she finally woke up---"somewhat"--

You don 't know that he is not still in her mind, and that she won't resume contact with him via a "Burner"---you don't know that even now she has gone underground with him.

The deal is---if there are no boundaries put in place--with ACTIONABLE CONSEQUENCES--not just yelling and screaming from you---and if there is no accountability/remorse, and heavy lifting on her part----SHE WILL CHEAT AGAIN

If she gets out of this, with you just being unhappy, and gets you to slide this under the rug---SHE WILL CHEAT AGAIN---cuz she will now know she can cheat, say she's guilty, you will back off, and there you go---another free pass---to mess around with a MAN WHO IS NOT HER H.

You have to come down on her with both feet---NO WHERE IN THE DEFINITION OF MGE, and being a mother---DOES SHE HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREW AROUND WITH OTHER MEN, IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM-------if you need to threaten D---to wise her up---then do so----SHE MUST KNOW THAT THIS KIND OF CRAP WILL NEVER BE ALLOWED AGAIN

Along with---boundaries, accountability, remorse, and heavy lifting----YOU DEMAND SHE SIGN A POST--NUP, WITH A DURESS CLAUSE----she needs to know and understand the REALITY of what is going on, and what she has done.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

mb112074 said:


> Thank you all for the advice. I can't say 100% that she broke all contact, but from what I can tell by phone records, they match her story. The number stopped appearing on my statements a week before she knew I knew about it. We still haven't had that one on one talk where she comes clean. I will know when that happens what to do next.


You are in for one terrible ride if you start believing her now.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> She was considering seeing him. She says she broke it off on her own and she's over it now.


Oh, how _nice_ for her! That's so darn special!

*Ask her to tell you how you can get over the fact that your wife came within a couple of key presses of dumping you for another man?*


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## 2yearsago (Jun 28, 2013)

You MAY have caught it before it turned physical but to be blunt that would be the exception rather than the rule.

You are confused. Hurt. Lonely. Distrustful. As you should be. The person you feel you should be able to trust the most just stabbed you in the heart. You are going to feel how you are going to feel and IF you continue with your marriage it will forever be altered.

Look, I know you don't want to hear this stuff now. Trust me, I didn't want to hear it either. I went through 1.5 years of false R and only really opened my eyes about 3 months ago. My biggest issue was/is that I will never have real trust in my marriage again.

That really sucks. It's also reality. First course of action is to take care of yourself. Second course of action is to determine if she is still having the affair or just laying low to shut you up for now. Third course of action is to look at REALITY - what she did and is obviously capable of. 

Do you want to still be with her? Tough questions but it's the best one to ask yourself.

Good luck - stay strong for your kids and yourself.


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