# Marriage turning sour



## Junos (Sep 3, 2014)

What I believed to be a great marriage has quickly begun to unravel.

My wife and I have been married for 7 years, I am 28 she is 27. No kids yet unless you count our two cats .

For the most part in our last 6 ½ years together we have been pretty tied together. We rarely spent any time apart from each other, except for work and college. I love it. I love spending all of my time with just her. She on the other hand has gotten bored. She has now started to go out with friends on the weekends. I really don’t have a problem with that, I encouraged it. She wants me to do the same but I really don’t have any close friends any more. After getting married I was solely focused on her and drifted apart from all others.

Through this situation it has surfaced that I apparently no longer fulfill her emotional needs and that’s why she wants to go out and chat with her girlfriends. Many times throughout our fights and discussions she has mentioned that she can not count on me in times of need, I do not support her emotionally when she is upset and that I do not understand her. Not that I no longer understand her, but that I never have and she has just ignored it until now.

There are two people in her life that she claims understand her better than me, an online friend she knew before we met and a co-worker she met when starting her new job this past June. She is always calling her co-worker, let’s call him Ben, for advice on our relationship. He is divorced and has a girlfriend. She says she is not interested in him romantically and I believe her about it, that isn't the issue. My problem is that she is always calling him every time we fight or disagree. It's like she can't handle anything on her own anymore and is always running to him for comfort. It is hard for me to take.

We have been having very serious talks recently about us and if I can meet her needs or not and how I can improve communication with her. Honestly, I want to and I am trying but it is not going anywhere. Nothing is improving and it is starting to make me feel resentful that I always need to change myself to suit her while she stays the same in all of her bad habits and not trying to improve herself. I want this to feel like teamwork but it very much feels one-sided.

I don’t know if this will help anyone understand our situation more but here is the most recent fight we had:
I drive my wife everywhere and anywhere she needs to go. She has her driver’s license but does not like to drive. She just started her final semester at college today and I have always driven her to the bus stop so she can catch the metro bus to school. I then pick her up when she is done with class and back at the bus stop.
Because we recently moved to a new town it’s a different transit system with different stops. To help her out I drove to the stop and got out and waited with her until the bus came to pick her up, no problem there. The issue came when it was time to come back home.
This new bus picks her up in a whole new area compared to previous semesters. I looked online and told her where the stops were and guided her where to wait over the phone as I was at work at the time. When she got there no one else was waiting for a bus and no signs mentioned the bus route she needs to take. She became worried and frustrated and eventually gave up and wanted to go back to her college building to wait 2 hours until a different bus route starts that picks her up at the same location as the previous semester. This whole time we are still talking on the phone.
After some debate in the end I left work to drive to her college, pick her up and drive her home. In the beginning she seemed happy that I came and got her and even had bought me a hamburger while she waited. When she got into the car I surprised her with a new Hello Kitty doll because her birthday is tomorrow. Before driving home I drove by where she should be waiting for the bus to show her exactly where it is. I apologized twice to her mentioning that I know how frustrating that experience could be. She was still not happy though, eventually we just went silent and stopped talking the whole way home.
Later that night she told me that I seemed unwilling and unhappy to come get her and I told her that she seemed ungrateful that I came. Yet another fight started ending in more silence between us and now I can somewhat hear her talking to Ben on the phone in the other room through our air ducts. Half of her conversation seems angry the other is laughing but I can’t make out any actual words.

I am always just so unsure what to say or what to do to make her feel better when she is upset. I really am trying but nothing seems to penetrate deep. Has anyone else been in a situation like this, is there some advice you can share? The way things are going between us is not looking good.

Feel free to ask questions if more info is needed, this is my first post here and I am just seeking some help.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your wife is having at least an EA (emotional affair ) with Ben. She's in love with him. It's very likely more than and EA.


Your relationship cannot be fixed as long as Ben is in her life. Look at what she did tonight.

The whole thing about you guiding her to the bus stop while you were on the phone at work, then you go get her, and you take her to where the bus stop is so that she knows where it is now, and you acknowledge that it's all so frustrating... are you freaking kidding me? You treated her like a fragile doll. Me and most women I know are perfectly capable of finding the bus stop on our own and getting home. You did more than 99% of all men would have ever done and yet it’s not enough for her. 

So she picks a fight with you, then after the fight she calls Ben. Ben who actually did zero for her. She called him because you had a fight and she, the poor fragile baby needs him.. her alpha guy, to take care of her. 

The fight was planned. It’s her game. She needs fights with you so that she then has things to talk to Ben about so that Ben can then save her emotionally.

You need to find out the depth of what’s going on between her and Ben. Check the phone bill and see how much time she spends on the phone and texting him. Check the texts on her phone and find out what they are texting about.

Find out who Ben’s girlfriend is because once you get the evidence of the depth of this affair, you need to expose the affair to Ben’s gf.

Some of the guys should be along to give you more advice about you stopping letting her walk all over you.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Junos said:


> What I believed to be a great marriage has quickly begun to unravel.
> 
> My wife and I have been married for 7 years, I am 28 she is 27. No kids yet unless you count our two cats .
> 
> For the most part in our last 6 ½ years together we have been pretty tied together. We rarely spent any time apart from each other, except for work and college. I love it. I love spending all of my time with just her. She on the other hand has gotten bored. She has now started to go out with friends on the weekends. I really don’t have a problem with that, I encouraged it. She wants me to do the same but I really don’t have any close friends any more.* After getting married I was solely focused on her and drifted apart from all others.*


THIS was your first huge mistake. Pushing everyone else out of your life and ONLY spending time with your wife. That is not healthy for anyone. You need other people in your life besides your spouse for balance. 

BUT....

Her relationship with "Ben" is completely inappropriate! She having and emotional affair right in front of your nose, and YOU are allowing it. You need to put an end to that NOW. Its you or him. If she chooses him, be prepared to move on with your life without her. She claims that you do not meet her emotional needs, but has she ever spelled out for you exactly WHAT those needs are?? Because it sounds to me like you are there for her. Honestly you are there TOO much. Stop kissing her a$$ and man up. Ben needs to GO. NOW.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

She doesn't have any respect for you, because you are classic beta guy, a clingy, needy, FNG (f****** nice guy). 

STOP it, now. Read up about FNG's (I was one), and think/read about The 180, because she's not going to all of a suddent start respecting you as a man, HER man, an Alpha she can count on, unless you make those changes within yourself, and make it shown to her.

EleGirl's right, she's setting you up to fight, so that she can run to her REAL man, Ben, who understands her, and is sooooo easily compared to you in a favorable light, because he isn't there to be anything less than a fantasy-perfect guy. So you have a double-whammy -- you're a needy, clingy beta AND then get compared to someone who just has to listen and say "I'd never do that" to appear perfect. Both make you a wuss in her mind.

That is not easy, if even possible, to change. You are in for some hard discussion, buckle in if you're really in it... like EleGirl said, she's having an EA and you're so beta you don't even see it as such. you know you're jealous of it, but don't quite even understand it for what it is. and what it is, is BAD for you.


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## JASON56 (Aug 28, 2014)

this is not good and not right, it looks like you did everything right, but she is looking for an excuse to fight so she can talk to her friend...this will only get worse, if you don't stop it... cant she see it the other way around if you were doing this, she would be furious...


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Knock the hell outa ben (figuratively speaking) and stop acting like a needy girlfriend to your wife.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

She will do what you allow her to do. Set your boundaries.

Read the 180. Live it! Take her purse, grab your nads, insert

them where they should be. If she does not like your new attitude,

hate it for ya hun. Read up on MMSL and NMMNG. What you are 

seeing now is a preview of your future with her. Want that?


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## Mo24 (Feb 18, 2014)

How's it going Junos? Update?


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## Junos (Sep 3, 2014)

Thanks for the advice everyone.

We just keep drifting apart rather than together. When we talk it leads to a fight more often then not, so I just stop talking to her.
I find more enjoyment in being by myself and doing my own thing or being at work. It is not looking good, guys.

I might post more later when I am alone.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

we'all just give advice, the final decision is yours.

if it helps, I've been there. So has 98% here


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Junos said:


> We just keep drifting apart rather than together... It is not looking good, guys.


That's because Ben is in the middle, actually _pushing_ you apart.

I agree with others; I'm afraid you've been replaced by her "fantasy Alpha male rescuer" and that's not a good place to be. You have some tough decisions to make .


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## Junos (Sep 3, 2014)

Ugh, guys, this is just frustrating to no end. Things had been going well for us for almost a week now. We were both feeling happy and doing things together like going out for walks and watching movies and just reconnecting, until tonight.

I am a DBA so when one of our databases went down I needed to log in and check it out. While I was working on it my wife said she would go take a shower. While she was showering I fixed the problem and started to play a computer game to pass the time until I could go shower.

She finished, came out of the bathroom, we made a funny face at each other and then she went to the sofa to sit down and dry her hair. This is all normal behavior so far. Afterwords she then turned on her laptop and started doing things on there.

Some minutes later I hear her from the sofa behind me saying, "Oh you are playing games? I though you were working." I told her no I finished (she was just right next to me making funny faces at each other, how could she not see my computer screen?). Then she said, "so you don't want to do things with me?" I told her, no we can do something together, let me just beat this boss and then I will turn it off.

Apparently, what I said was totally unacceptable to her. She thinks I don't want to do anything with her and that I would rather play games then spend time together etc. Both of which I corrected her with my true feelings. I even said, you didn't ask to do something with me so neither of us had mentioned anything. And now, suddenly, I have become the worlds worst person again according to her.

I came to her later wanting to work things out and get an understanding. From this talk I found out she wants me to instantly turn off any game I am playing as soon as she tells me to and rush to her and hug her, that way she will feel she is the most important to me. I told her that is a bit much but I am willing to compromise and find some kind of middle ground in there. She is totally unwilling to compromise about this. Either I do it all her way or I don't love her, in her mind.

I am like, jeez be patient! I told her I would stop soon and that I want to do things together... She just isn't having any of it!

I am so sick of feeling like I need to do everything her way or things wont work out. Since when did women decide the relationship rules and men just have to follow and do them? I feel like my happiness and needs wouldn't be met while hers would be. 
I am so sick of feeling like I am always the wrong one. She wants me to apologize for making her feel like she isn't my number 1 priority.
I am so sick of her making me feel like I do nothing for her. If I am not at work or playing games all other time is consumed by her.

Do all relationship feel like poison sometimes?
I am making a big deal out of nothing, and therefore should just apologize and do things her way, i.e. turn off what I am doing instantly as soon as she says so?
I just feel like there should be some level of understanding and patients here.


I haven't said anything to her about this but I feel like I do too much around the house and I wish she would help out more. I clean the cat poop, I feed the cats, I give the cats water, I do the dishes, I do the garbage, I take care of the laundry about 50% of the time, I change the bed sheets and then my full time job. She does the the laundry if I don't and she used to cook dinner for us but hasn't in a very long time and she has school and homework. Nobody cleans or vacuums though, we need to start doing that.


Currently, we are sleeping in separate rooms. I am very tired so I am going to bed. I would love to hear your view points and opinions. Am I over reacting? Should I apologize for not stopping instantly? Or do you agree with me that she should be patient? I told her I would stop so we can do things together and she should be ok with that.

Please let me know.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Let me get this straight.

It's ok for her to have an inappropriate relationship with Ben.

But you need to instantly give her all your attention or she feels unloved.

Do you not understand how incredibly one sided that is?

By catering to her, do you think you have been bringing out her best or her worst?







Junos said:


> Ugh, guys, this is just frustrating to no end. Things had been going well for us for almost a week now. We were both feeling happy and doing things together like going out for walks and watching movies and just reconnecting, until tonight.
> 
> I am a DBA so when one of our databases went down I needed to log in and check it out. While I was working on it my wife said she would go take a shower. While she was showering I fixed the problem and started to play a computer game to pass the time until I could go shower.
> 
> ...


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

This relationship is no where near 50 / 50. Decide what you want and

set the boundaries. When they are crossed, enforce them. She has

lost respect for you. You are giving too many #3s. As soon as you

stop doing for her and start doing for yourself...a change will take 

place. Investigating must take place in dealing with her possible EA/PA.

If you are not happy with how she reacts to your boundaries, bring up

considering a D. If she balks at you doing it.... do not mention it again.

Just do it. Talk less...do more. I can talk from recent experience,

I just ended things with UG, dated since January '13. She was not

making me....a priority and avoided to communicate about it. I was

left with two options...allow it and be a doormat or end the relationship.

It hurt her...hurt me too. I did not want to do this but I had no

other choice. If she does not respect me....well, there's nothing left

to talk about. If UG wishes to make the effort, now that it is out

in the open, I am receptive. I am paying heed to what she does,

not what she says. There is a huge difference.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

So you mentioned NOTHING about her other man. Seems to me like you are just sweeping that whole thing under the rug and choosing to pretend like it isnt happening. Did she end it? I cannot understand why you are putting forth any effort for her at all as long as she keeps talking to this other man.


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

Is she still involved in any way with this other guy? If so, nothing you do will really work.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

It's pretty clear that your wife is cheating on you. That being said, nothing good comes from video games having any type of priority in a grown man's life.


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