# Emotionally draining friendship



## MostKnownUnknown (4 mo ago)

My friend from middle school and I both went through a divorce. After my divorce, I did not jump back into a relationship and is working on becoming the best version of myself. My friend, on the other hand is divorced but jumped back into another relationship, same scenario as the last one. She calls me everyday/multiple times a day repeating the same sh!t every time we speak. It’s very draining and I have gotten to the point recently where I don’t answer her calls nor messages. That’s not like me to do that but it’s draining to hear her speak now. It’s always drama and complaining about HIM, HIS KIDS & FINANCES. She’s 32 and has no children of her own but is letting her life go down the drain because she wants a man in her life. I’ve given her advice as well as her mother, friends and co-workers but she’s so naive/clueless and doesn’t see that anything is wrong!

Long story short.. A situation happened around thanksgiving that truly had me thinking my friend has a lack of self esteem issue or something more mental. For example, Her dude was caught cheating on her with a stripper in their bed. She was mad, kicked him out for a couple days, called his family members and his friends and told them the scenario but the last straw in my book was that she told his 13 year old daughter all the details about what had happened. Like why the hell would you tell a child grown folks business!?!? The 13 year old mom found out, reached out to my friend and blessed her out and I told my friend she deserved every ounce of it but she still didn’t see anything wrong with that.

How would you manage a friendship like this one?


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

I would not answer the phone at least 1/2 the time she calls. Dial it back. 

When she starts to complain, try changing the subject.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

MostKnownUnknown said:


> My friend from middle school and I both went through a divorce. After my divorce, I did not jump back into a relationship and is working on becoming the best version of myself. My friend, on the other hand is divorced but jumped back into another relationship, same scenario as the last one. She calls me everyday/multiple times a day repeating the same sh!t every time we speak. It’s very draining and I have gotten to the point recently where I don’t answer her calls nor messages. That’s not like me to do that but it’s draining to hear her speak now. It’s always drama and complaining about HIM, HIS KIDS & FINANCES. She’s 32 and has no children of her own but is letting her life go down the drain because she wants a man in her life. I’ve given her advice as well as her mother, friends and co-workers but she’s so naive/clueless and doesn’t see that anything is wrong!
> 
> Long story short.. A situation happened around thanksgiving that truly had me thinking my friend has a lack of self esteem issue or something more mental. For example, Her dude was caught cheating on her with a stripper in their bed. She was mad, kicked him out for a couple days, called his family members and his friends and told them the scenario but the last straw in my book was that she told his 13 year old daughter all the details about what had happened. Like why the hell would you tell a child grown folks business!?!? The 13 year old mom found out, reached out to my friend and blessed her out and I told my friend she deserved every ounce of it but she still didn’t see anything wrong with that.
> 
> How would you manage a friendship like this one?


She's too immature and clueless to be married or with anyone who has kids or to have kids herself. I'm glad you told her.


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## MostKnownUnknown (4 mo ago)

D0nnivain said:


> I would not answer the phone at least 1/2 the time she calls. Dial it back.
> 
> When she starts to complain, try changing the subject.


I’ve started doing that more and more, the not answering part. 

I’ve also change the subject and then she’ll pick right back up from where she left off with the complaining. 

Every time she calls she complains about the same issues about her dude and always gives me a rundown on her bills and what needs to be paid. Like really?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

It sounds like you are her only shoulder to cry on.

Since it is only your ear she wants.

Give it to her.

Be a good Samaritan.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Are you getting to speak during these conversations at all? Like, is it 45 minutes of just her talking? Or do you get to talk as well. 

I would stop advising her, stop worrying about her, and just stop answering. 

Someone calling me every day all day would make me drained, regardless of their personal life. I don’t need to speak to anyone that much. 

I did have a similar situation and just stopped answering. I phased it out, and sometimes started with, ‘I have only 10 minutes, is it something important?’ And even then they didn’t take a hint. So I completely stopped answering. 

Don’t explain anything, with people like that, they’ll get mad if you tell them why. Just be busy. If she starts bombarding you with questions or demands to know why you’re not answering… well that’s a huge red flag and you have a potential loony on your hands.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Does she want you to volunteer to help with her bills? I can’t imagine why she would keep mentioning them otherwise.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

MostKnownUnknown said:


> How would you manage a friendship like this one?


If you have genuine affection for her, and you care about her, consider sitting her down and telling her what you see. Being humble and kind and calm, of course. Share your concern. Let her know that her patterns are unhealthy.

Be a true friend, which requires being brave and having uncomfortable conversations.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

I’d simply tell her you have enough of your own things to be worrying about…and that you can’t handle your concerns AND her concerns AND concerns about her new BF and his kids and money issues as well.

it’s not uncommon to let a friend know that you aren’t the trash can to dump all of their crap onto.

seriously, let her know it’s too much crap - if she needs help she should seek professional guidance.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Beach123 said:


> I’d simply tell her you have enough of your own things to be worrying about…and that you can’t handle your concerns AND her concerns AND concerns about her new BF and his kids and money issues as well.
> 
> it’s not uncommon to let a friend know that you aren’t the trash can to dump all of their crap onto.
> 
> seriously, let her know it’s too much crap - if she needs help she should seek professional guidance.


^^^THIS^^^ Tell her that she need to talk to a counselor, pastor, priest, whoever, but that you cannot help her and she needs to quit dumping on you. Then limit her calls to maybe once or twice a week and if she starts in again, repeat that you cannot help her and politely get off the phone. Sooner or later she will get the message. People can only impose on you if you let them.


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## MostKnownUnknown (4 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> She's too immature and clueless to be married or with anyone who has kids or to have kids herself. I'm glad you told her.


I told her she’s a very gullible person and is being taking advantage of but she can’t process or understand what her loved ones


SunCMars said:


> It sounds like you are her only shoulder to cry on.
> 
> Since it is only your ear she wants.
> 
> ...


I try to be a team player but sometimes y


Openminded said:


> Does she want you to volunteer to help with her bills? I can’t imagine why she would keep mentioning them otherwise.


I really don’t understand it. I went from a two-income household and it’s now just me working two jobs to stay afloat. I don’t go around discussing my finances. Her on the other hand also works two jobs and brags about the amount of money he makes but yet she’s the one paying for anything. He just makes contributions here and there.


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## MostKnownUnknown (4 mo ago)

Diceplayer said:


> ^^^THIS^^^ Tell her that she need to talk to a counselor, pastor, priest, whoever, but that you cannot help her and she needs to quit dumping on you. Then limit her calls to maybe once or twice a week and if she starts in again, repeat that you cannot help her and politely get off the phone. Sooner or later she will get the message. People can only impose on you if you let them.


Facts!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He only contributes a little financially and brings strippers home to her bed? And it’s not like she wants help in straightening out her life — she just wants an audience to complain to. Start being less available.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Some people treat their concerns like a hot potato they throw all the concerns onto someone else… showing no boundary and no respect.
You have to be clear with a person like that. It’s not allowed. It’s not fair. It’s not a friendship where you sign up to be her dumping ground.

she really should be paying a therapist for that kind of behavior - and learn how to change.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

MostKnownUnknown said:


> My friend from middle school and I both went through a divorce. After my divorce, I did not jump back into a relationship and is working on becoming the best version of myself. My friend, on the other hand is divorced but jumped back into another relationship, same scenario as the last one. She calls me everyday/multiple times a day repeating the same sh!t every time we speak. It’s very draining and I have gotten to the point recently where I don’t answer her calls nor messages. That’s not like me to do that but it’s draining to hear her speak now. It’s always drama and complaining about HIM, HIS KIDS & FINANCES. She’s 32 and has no children of her own but is letting her life go down the drain because she wants a man in her life. I’ve given her advice as well as her mother, friends and co-workers but she’s so naive/clueless and doesn’t see that anything is wrong!
> 
> Long story short.. A situation happened around thanksgiving that truly had me thinking my friend has a lack of self esteem issue or something more mental. For example, Her dude was caught cheating on her with a stripper in their bed. She was mad, kicked him out for a couple days, called his family members and his friends and told them the scenario but the last straw in my book was that she told his 13 year old daughter all the details about what had happened. Like why the hell would you tell a child grown folks business!?!? The 13 year old mom found out, reached out to my friend and blessed her out and I told my friend she deserved every ounce of it but she still didn’t see anything wrong with that.
> 
> How would you manage a friendship like this one?


I got divorced about 10 years ago and a good high school and college friend of mine got divorced a few years later. At first it was ok, I always had a buddy to go out with. And for quite awhile I did. But he was constantly chasing women (and one drunken night he told me about his 'double life'/affair that happened when I was living out of state- -I know his wife very well and she absolutely deserved better). 

In any case, he was still the same a-hole that he was in high school but it is not as funny when you have 3 kids and a drinking problem. Looking back, I baseically ended up ghosting him. That wasn't my plan but I did know i needed less....negativity? Toxicity? he was a bad person for me to be around. So I stopped talking to him altogether. I didn't block him until he sent me a text in the middle of the night basically mocking me for who I am and what I do.


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## MostKnownUnknown (4 mo ago)

I guess that’s what I’m also getting at. I don’t want want to hear or be around that negative energy. I guess what you did is prime example of tough love.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

I have two friends that can be draining like this. Sometimes I just put the phone on speaker & walk around doing whatever else I have to take care, occasionally muttering "uh huh" or "really?" to make it appear as though I'm paying attention. These type of people don't really need you to listen. They just need to talk.


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## MostKnownUnknown (4 mo ago)

I've done that too several times


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