# How do you show a man....????



## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

Ever since my husband asked for a divorce and countless talks I am thinking about the things he said....

He said he doesn't feel appreciated....he works a lot in a tough job (police officer) and feels like I don't appreciate him and the things he does at all...

I'm trying to change my life to the better....all the things that have been long due for a change but one thing I can't figure out how to show him....

How do you show a man how much you appreciate him and everything he does ?????

Help please ?!?!?!


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

I always tell my husband:

1: Thank you for marrying me, thank you for giving me a happy life.

2: I feel very secure in our marriage, thank you for being a faithful man. Thank you for coming home right away after work, thank you for doing all the stuff to make me feel secure.

3: Thank you for providing for me! Thank you for giving me an easy life.

4: Thank you for being such a great lover in bed.

5: Thank you for helping me change. Thank you for helping me improve.

In addition to words, I do things to show my love to my husband.

I am an independent career woman, but at home, I choose to be submissive, I let him make big decisions.

I cook food he likes to eat, he doesn't eat spicy food( I like to eat spicy food), so I don't cook spicy food. I cook five days a week at least. My husband is quite happy with it. 

I clean up our apartment everyday, I make it neat and comfortable. he likes everything neat. 

I make sure that he has money for his hobbies. I make sure that all the bills are taken care of, he doesn't need to worry. I don't waste any money on silly things. I set up a budget, and we stick to it.


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## Shelly29 (Oct 9, 2010)

IMHO i don't think choosing to be submissive is a good quality to have...you choose to be less that what you are? An independent career woman?

I think the word submissive is a very negative term when it comes to women, not a fan of it, sorry.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I don't think showing appreciation and affection for your man is being submissive at all. It will give you far more power in the relationship than you'll ever get any other way. Luckily, guys are simple life forms. Stroke our egos, pamper us just a little, and don't be stingy with sex. Simple, Simple, Simple. My wife (on rare occasions) stuffs me in the shower and scrubs me down. It takes her just a few minutes, costs nothing, but it makes me feel like the luckiest, sexiest man on earth. Before he goes out the door, kiss him like he's your boyfriend and not your husband. Instead of putting on grandma's old, comfy flannel pajamas, put on something that makes you look and feel like a woman or better yet, crawl into bed naked and warm up against his body. When he comes home, kiss him deeply while you take off his gunbelt. Lead him to the shower. Whatever fights, arguments, dirtbags, chases, insults, or hassles he's had at work will quickly vanish.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Shelly29 said:


> IMHO i don't think choosing to be submissive is a good quality to have...you choose to be less that what you are? An independent career woman?
> 
> I think the word submissive is a very negative term when it comes to women, not a fan of it, sorry.


Maybe I have chosen a word you don't like to see. 

What is a better word?

How about cooperative.

It is written in the Bible, a woman should let her man be the head of the house! What do you think?

She has to render her due, Her body is not just hers. what do you think?

I shouldn't have said I am a career woman, I am not a career woman, I am a working woman, what I mean is I can support myself financially.

English is my second language, I have never lived in the States or Canada or any country where people speak English, so please bear with me when I use words you don't like to see.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

I always tell my husband:

You're my hero, you always save me! (after he gave me a massage or did me a favor.)

You're talented. (when he shows he knows his work very well.)

I'm very proud of you! (when he is successful at his work/assignment)

Where can I find a better husband than you in the world? I must go in the tunnel to search you with a torch light. (my husband works for tunneling construction)

Thanks very much for cooking a very tasty breakfast/lunch/dinner for me! (with a big kiss & my ass shaking)

I love you only & forever. (everyday must say)

Do you love me? (everyday must ask)
Do you miss me? (everyday must ask)

My husband likes the first line the most. You're my hero, you always save me! He enjoys saving me a lot:

1. He would bring me a cup of water every night to reminder me to take medicine.
2. He would reminder me everything that I would probably forget. (I'm very forgetful)
3. He would come to rescue whenever I'm in troubles. (Sick, lost, whatever troubles)

Yes I'm very submissive & I totally depend on my husband.

He enjoys being my hero. So we're a perfect match!


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

unbelievable said:


> I don't think showing appreciation and affection for your man is being submissive at all. It will give you far more power in the relationship than you'll ever get any other way. Luckily, guys are simple life forms. Stroke our egos, pamper us just a little, and don't be stingy with sex. Simple, Simple, Simple. My wife (on rare occasions) stuffs me in the shower and scrubs me down. It takes her just a few minutes, costs nothing, but it makes me feel like the luckiest, sexiest man on earth. Before he goes out the door, kiss him like he's your boyfriend and not your husband. Instead of putting on grandma's old, comfy flannel pajamas, put on something that makes you look and feel like a woman or better yet, crawl into bed naked and warm up against his body. When he comes home, kiss him deeply while you take off his gunbelt. Lead him to the shower. Whatever fights, arguments, dirtbags, chases, insults, or hassles he's had at work will quickly vanish.



 Nice stuffs.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Dale&Alex said:


> Ever since my husband asked for a divorce and countless talks I am thinking about the things he said....
> 
> He said he doesn't feel appreciated....he works a lot in a tough job (police officer) and feels like I don't appreciate him and the things he does at all...
> 
> ...





> It does sound like your husband has “checked out” of your marriage. Sounds like he’s looked at the situation, come up with the reasons for his depression and has made plans for the future. He’s taken all his emotions into account and rationalised everything. He also sounds like a “good man”.
> 
> A question for you. How did you show your husband appreciation for the things he did/does in your marriage?
> 
> ...


The above is what I posted in response to one of your other threads, advising you to demonstrate appreciation to your husband. You didn’t even bother to respond. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-...sband-wants-divorce-me-help-there-chance.html

That was two months ago and you are still asking how to do it.

You have started up something like 20 threads and have still not demonstrated appreciation for your husband.

I am now seeing you as perhaps your husband sees you. All words. No action. No appreciation. No change.

It's no wonder your husband wants out big time.

Bob


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Dale&Alex said:


> How do you show a man how much you appreciate him and everything he does ?????


 Get up in the morning with him, cook him breakfast, Make sure when he comes home, you have a hot meal prepared, welcome him at the door, not complaining about your day with the kids, but asking how his day was, As he has a VERY stressful job -every day on such a job could be his last! You listen to anything he wants to share, you offer him time to relax, wind down if he needs. Bring him coffee. 

All of these things speak appreciation. 

Make sure the house is clean, so he can feel comfortable in his own home. Speak words of Affirmation to him, if he fixes something around the house, thank him, even help him, tell him he is a good handyman, and what would you do without him. Even though sometimes we expect our spouses to do certain things (pick up the kids, fix the leaky roof, change a spigot, building a playhouse, shed, etc)-- go out of your way to say "Hey, you did a fine job, you R a good father!" -something. These are "Words of Affirmation", we all need to hear these things from time to time.

And at night, shut the computer off, or the Tv, get off the phone with friends, make time for HIM, cuddle up to him, show you desire him, never reject him if he comes to you 1st, give in to his desire. Shut & lock your bedroom door, no kids allowed, show this is YOUR TIME, Making Love to a man, is a healer or many many things. Not sure where your sex life is right now, but if he enjoys sex, these things will only ENHANCE what you are working to acheive here, for some, it is the way to their heart & soul. Just do not neglect the other things above. 

These changes should get some response from your man, he WILL feel appreciated- if these are lived day in -day out.


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

AFEH said:


> The above is what I posted in response to one of your other threads, advising you to demonstrate appreciation to your husband. You didn’t even bother to respond. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-...sband-wants-divorce-me-help-there-chance.html
> 
> That was two months ago and you are still asking how to do it.
> 
> ...


Wow, Bob....

I'm sorry you have this awful impression of me....

I didn't respond to your answer in my thread but I did write you several private messages instead if you can remember....

Your excellent advice you've given me was greatly appreciated and did not go unnoticed....

Other than writing notes to him though I keep telling him what I appreciate about him.....like thanking him for having dinner ready when I get home late, telling him how much I love that he's picking up the little one from daycare more than ever to spend some time with him.....

Unfortunately I can't see if it's working....he's nice and friendly to me and we get along great....but I don't see a change of mind yet....

That's why I keep asking how (else) to show my appreciation because I have the feeling I'm not doing it enough yet......to figure out what I'm missing.....

Not because I don't care about what you say....

You are an asset to this forum and among other people on here you are a member who's posts I always read....because of your wisdom in the marriage department....

But if you feel like I'm an ungrateful being then I can't change that.....just try to tell you that it's not like that at all .....


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## KRinOnt (Oct 19, 2010)

Dale&Alex said:


> Ever since my husband asked for a divorce and countless talks I am thinking about the things he said....
> 
> He said he doesn't feel appreciated....he works a lot in a tough job (police officer) and feels like I don't appreciate him and the things he does at all...
> 
> ...


Maybe you do this already but try making a point of asking him how his day went....every day. You don't have to give advice. Just listen intently. Personally, I also like to be touched while sleeping. Not mauled, but even a hand on the shoulder or a foot against the leg. It all makes for a secure and wanted feeling. Little things I know, but important nonetheless.


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## LousyRiverdalePunk (Nov 10, 2010)

greenpearl said:


> I
> I am an independent career woman, but at home, I choose to be submissive, I let him make big decisions.
> 
> I cook food he likes to eat, he doesn't eat spicy food( I like to eat spicy food), so I don't cook spicy food. I cook five days a week at least. My husband is quite happy with it.
> ...


Boo!!!! His life sounds great, yours?....not so much(note: please realize I know virtually nothing about your marriage, I was just raised by some dirty hippy parents and married a woman's studies major. So, it may be great for you, but it would never work for me[if I were a woman]). 
Look, maybe your police officer ex just wasn't the right guy. Shoe you're appreciative, but don't bend over backward and make yourself unhappy in effort to make someone else happy.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

Why not go to the source? Ask your husband how HE would like you to express appreciation.

Writing a letter to my h wouldn't do any good. He isn't into words if I don't back it up with action. 

My husband wants what most men want: RESPECT
clean home
food and drink
clean work clothes
My h is very sexual, he wants to be thrown on the bed and f----d. He's a happy man.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Dale&Alex said:


> Wow, Bob....
> 
> I'm sorry you have this awful impression of me....
> 
> ...


Well I’ve a big apology to make to you DA just been through my inbox. I am sorry about that your messages were really good especially in the appreciation department.

Us oldies have our friends and family on watch to tell us if we’re getting forgetful and repeating ourselves. I’ve one mate who told me the same thing three times in a 30 min drive to play squash. I didn’t have the heart to tell him. I do joke with a few that I’m practising being cantankerous for my later years, perhaps it’s upon me already lol.

Have you thought about having a chat with someone your husband respects, a friend or family? Tell them what’s in your heart and in your mind and maybe they can have a little chat with him and then give you some feedback.



Thank you for your kind words, I really do appreciate them.

Bob


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

LousyRiverdalePunk said:


> Boo!!!! His life sounds great, yours?....not so much(note: please realize I know virtually nothing about your marriage, I was just raised by some dirty hippy parents and married a woman's studies major. So, it may be great for you, but it would never work for me[if I were a woman]).
> Look, maybe your police officer ex just wasn't the right guy. Shoe you're appreciative, but don't bend over backward and make yourself unhappy in effort to make someone else happy.


My life is great too. 

I want a man who is faithful, he is. 

I want a man who is responsible, he is. 

I want a man who is loving and considerate, he is. 

I want a man who is a stud in bed, he is. 

I do all this to make my husband happy because I cherish him. I cherish him, I don't want to lose him. He has everything I want!

I am quite content!


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

unbelievable said:


> I don't think showing appreciation and affection for your man is being submissive at all. It will give you far more power in the relationship than you'll ever get any other way. Luckily, guys are simple life forms. Stroke our egos, pamper us just a little, and don't be stingy with sex. Simple, Simple, Simple. My wife (on rare occasions) stuffs me in the shower and scrubs me down. It takes her just a few minutes, costs nothing, but it makes me feel like the luckiest, sexiest man on earth. Before he goes out the door, kiss him like he's your boyfriend and not your husband. Instead of putting on grandma's old, comfy flannel pajamas, put on something that makes you look and feel like a woman or better yet, crawl into bed naked and warm up against his body. When he comes home, kiss him deeply while you take off his gunbelt. Lead him to the shower. Whatever fights, arguments, dirtbags, chases, insults, or hassles he's had at work will quickly vanish.


Thanks unbelievable.....the only problem with that is.....we are technically not really together anymore....he said he wants a divorce and that there's nothing I can do to fix it....

So it would be kinda weird for me to kiss him (like I want to) when he gets home or join him in the shower  .....

I don't initiate anything anymore....because to me he made his point clear and there's nothing I can do about it


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Get up in the morning with him, cook him breakfast, Make sure when he comes home, you have a hot meal prepared, welcome him at the door, not complaining about your day with the kids, but asking how his day was, As he has a VERY stressful job -every day on such a job could be his last! You listen to anything he wants to share, you offer him time to relax, wind down if he needs. Bring him coffee.
> 
> All of these things speak appreciation.
> 
> ...


Thanks SimplyAmorous.....you know what.....you showed me where I was lacking a lot in the past....

I know all these things and should have done all these things but I got lazy  ....

I guess that's what I'm getting for it now....divorce !!!!!!


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

KRinOnt said:


> Maybe you do this already but try making a point of asking him how his day went....every day. You don't have to give advice. Just listen intently. Personally, I also like to be touched while sleeping. Not mauled, but even a hand on the shoulder or a foot against the leg. It all makes for a secure and wanted feeling. Little things I know, but important nonetheless.


Thanks KR....I've done this already 50% of the time...probably should've done it more


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

4sure said:


> Why not go to the source? Ask your husband how HE would like you to express appreciation.
> 
> Writing a letter to my h wouldn't do any good. He isn't into words if I don't back it up with action.
> 
> ...


Thanks 4sure.....I would ask him....but he doesn't want to give me a second chance....

I was just trying to figure it out on here because I was still fighting for him....but I'm done now...I can't fight anymore


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

AFEH said:


> Well I’ve a big apology to make to you DA just been through my inbox. I am sorry about that your messages were really good especially in the appreciation department.
> 
> Us oldies have our friends and family on watch to tell us if we’re getting forgetful and repeating ourselves. I’ve one mate who told me the same thing three times in a 30 min drive to play squash. I didn’t have the heart to tell him. I do joke with a few that I’m practising being cantankerous for my later years, perhaps it’s upon me already lol.
> 
> ...


Thanks Bob !!!!! 

I was thinking about talking to his brother about it....

He was married once (wife turned gay ) and he's been a bachelor since (he's 55 now).....

We get along really well and my husband said that he wanted to talk him out of divorcing me....but....if I would talk to him to talk to my husband again....I'm sure my husband would get very mad....

My husband thinks that it's our problem and nobody else's...which I agree with to a point....

Given his condition (depression, midlife crisis and possible PTSD) it would probably be wise to consult with someone else to hear their opinion on it....

He's already in therapy but this person is a quack in my eyes because he told him I will never change and even if I do it won't be permanent.....:banghead:...

Anyway....I've made changes....still working on some....I've pleaded and begged....I can't do it anymore....I have to let him go  ....


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

From what you are saying DA your husband is set. It is over. You have nothing he either needs or wants anymore.

It is sad.

But some people really need the wake up call. Be woken up out of your slumber. If you do not learn right now you never will.

Another view? What you once treasure is now gone.

The next phase in your life is based on the past phase in your life.

Enjoy.

Bob


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

Dear Bob....

I'm not sure if it's entirely over for him....since he's doing all these little things that make me think :wtf: ....

For myself though I have to be done....

I don't want to think about these things he's doing anymore that make me wonder has he really checked out entirely ?!?!

For my sanity I have to think it's over !!!!!!

I have to plan for my future without him or once the papers have been signed I'd be helpless....

I need to figure things out for myself now....before it is too late....

If he ever comes around....wakes up from his deep depression sleep....good for me...

Unless I've moved on and am living a successful new life I'm sure I will give him (us) another chance....after all....he's the love of my life and he's the best man I've ever met.....

But I don't know if he'll ever reconsider and that's why I have to start living my own life now....as bad as it hurts.....I can't wait for him anymore


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

DA
I'm sorry to hear this. Maybe you and he can separate, but work on yourselves, and the marriage. If you do divorce I wish you much success.

I believe if there is love between two people then anything is possible. Love is a powerful force. First you must love yourself.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

DA,

Until a Judge says different, he's your man. At this point, you've really got nothing to lose. If you romanced and sexed the crap out of him, what's he gonna do? Divorce you? You know this guy better than any other woman and you know exactly where his buttons are. If you threw out all the stops and he still goes through with the divorce, you'll at least know you've tried everything till the bitter end to avoid it.


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

unbelievable said:


> DA,
> 
> Until a Judge says different, he's your man. At this point, you've really got nothing to lose. If you romanced and sexed the crap out of him, what's he gonna do? Divorce you? You know this guy better than any other woman and you know exactly where his buttons are. If you threw out all the stops and he still goes through with the divorce, you'll at least know you've tried everything till the bitter end to avoid it.


Thanks unbelievable....I have given up on us.....

Unfortunately.....

I've talked and changed (or still working on some of) the things that were reason for his decision but it seems to no avail....we're still going to the parenting class and the divorce papers are still on his desk....

We get along great now, but I'm not fighting anymore....I can't....I've lost....

I'm still living with him, still treating him the way he should've been treated the whole time....still living the changes I've made....still being the new me....

If it does make a difference....I'd be in heaven....but I can't spend every waking minute hoping anymore.....it hurts too much 

Thanks for your support :smthumbup:!!!!


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## LVS (Apr 5, 2010)

unbelievable said:


> DA,
> 
> Until a Judge says different, he's your man. At this point, you've really got nothing to lose. If you romanced and sexed the crap out of him, what's he gonna do? Divorce you? You know this guy better than any other woman and you know exactly where his buttons are. If you threw out all the stops and he still goes through with the divorce, you'll at least know you've tried everything till the bitter end to avoid it.


:iagree:

DA it is not time to lose hope yet this is the love of your life fight till the end you are a loser if you gave up now
The papers on his desk but anytime could be in trash 
I filed for divorce, my story is different but even though i lost hope that my H will change one day but i still have thoughts that maybe he will and at any time i can stop the divorce process or convert it to a legal separation.

I posted a reply on your other thread please keep your positive thoughts even if you are going to lose him enjoy your last time together be yourself and leave the sadness until it is time to be sad so if it doesn't come you won't be wasting your time worrying and unhappy
It worth to give a try


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

There are a lot of man up threads, perhaps we need a woman up thread. Men and women want different things but at the base we all just want to be loved, respected and heard.

I really think when a spouse is beginning to separate from another the best thing the other spouse can do is become more of themself. Separate from the idea of the "us" and find "you". If you are trying to change be sure this change is because it is more like you rather than less. Often times in relationships we give ourselves up almost accidentally.

I wish you luck and I wish you well. If he doesn't see the amazing woman you are then you need to begin seeing it. In the end, he either recognizes this or he doesn't but either way you have benefited.


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