# Newbie Here - wife of 10 yrs wants out; not "exactly" an EA, but...need help, please



## Betterman (Dec 10, 2011)

*Newbie Here - wife of 10 yrs wants out; not "exactly" an EA, but...need help, please*

Hello All - this may be a bit long as I tend to be emotional and relatively verbose. I'm 46, my wife turns 37 on the 19th. We have had a great deal of financial difficulty the last 3 years, and for the last 5 years, I have been involved in trying to launch a business and it hasn't come through yet. She is paradoxical in that when she is unstressed, she is a free spirit but with any kind of life stressors, she really starts to craves stability.

We came together in the workplace. Let's call it OldCo. She worked for me and we were friends for about 2 years when things caught fire on a business trip. I was married at the time with an infant daughter. My ex-wife confronted me about phone bills and I came clean with her and moved out. Our marriage was very difficult in the beginning as my STBEXW dealt with being a 25 year old stepmom. We also had tremendous difficulty with her family who are very devout in an extreme religious denomination and they tried to prevent the marriage.

Nonetheless, we are such kindred spirits that not only did we have really wonderful times, but we were a bit of an icon couple. People really looked at us as just perfect together and really meant to be. She really began to embrace her role as stepmom, and we got very close. We loved our life together and she always was and continued to be my best friend. However, we did experience alot fo difficulties along the way as most marriages do. 

Six months into our marriage, she cheated on me with a man in another country on a business trip. There was no sex, but there was a one-time hook-up with fooling around. We had just been in a fight when she left and she was talking to her mother right before she got on the plane who encouraged her to leave me. She has encouraged this on and off the whole 10 years. My wife told me about this physical affair(?) about a year and a half after it happened. She had seen our priest who asked if she still loved me. She said she did and he told her to not tell me in that case and move on. But she couldn't live with it anymore. I am very spiritual and I was very upset for about a day or so, but then forgave and asked her what I had done to drive her to another man. You see, in my previous marriage (and in a VERY brief earlier one that was annulled), I had done the cheating. I really worked on it and realized that is never ALL one person's fault. I genuinely forgave her and have been OK with it. So all of this was about 8-9 years ago and it all happened while we were both at OldCo (which is a huge company with facilities all over the world). We both left OldCo between 5-6 years ago to do other work.

Well, just over two months ago she started back to work at OldCo again. The first several weeks were great. We were both excited about having the good additional income - and steady income - good insurance, and a nice car lease. She was excited for US. After that her demeanor changed totally; she started getting cold and critical; she expressed frustration on our finances and that she felt she carried all the burden (even though I make more than she) and wanted to separate the money, she became distant and complained about missing out on life getting married so young, and acted very unattracted to me. Hmmm...

Finally, just a week ago, she came out and said she wanted to move out and get a divorce. Hit me out of left field like a baseball bat to the head. She was absolutely resolute already, no previous discussions, just she wants out. I asked if there was another man and she said no. She said that just by starting back at OldCo she realizes there will be career opportunities for her and travel opportunities and she wants to be able to explore them freely. She still loves me but she's not in love with me anymore. She hasn't been happy in years, she feels smothered and trapped, etc., etc.

The strange thing is that within just a few weeks of all of this, we had had wonderful sex, she has been all over me telling me how much she loves me and how in love with me she still is after all these years, how happy she is with our life and that she hasn't been this happy in years, and how excited about our future she is. Then boom 180 degree change in behavior and now her perspective is 180 degrees different.

Well, I kept pushing and she finally admitted..... she is back in touch with the guy from overseas with whom she cheated on me. He also works for OldCo and they have common work duties just in different countries. They have been calling and emailing. But she claims, while that is exciting for her to think about, it's not really what is behind her wanting to leave - it's the other things mentioned above, but sure the prospect of another man is exciting to her.

The thing is, I've been there before. I'm ten years older. I've gone through those cycles in marriage - even with her (my STBXW) - where you ache for the passion of something new. I, also have had my time of contacts with old girlfriends or extreme flirtations on business trips, etc. But as I got older and more spiritual, I realized that all of that is because of my own insecurities and my need to for outside approval. When I embrace that and become aware, I settle back in and realize love becomes a choice and when I feel good about me and I choose to love her, it's awesome!

This is too long already and I hope somebody reads it. I am really struggling. I don't want her to leave and all of our friends don't want her to as well. But she is adament about being "free" and living alone. I read a few posts about this the 180 thing, I guess I need to read more. I would really love some input from the good people on the Forum. I could really use the support and guidance. This is the first time someone is wanting to leave me instead of the other way around. I guess Karma is a ******, but...


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

*Re: Newbie Here - wife of 10 yrs wants out; not "exactly" an EA, but...need help, ple*

The old saying is, if they'll cheat with you, they will cheat on you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

*Re: Newbie Here - wife of 10 yrs wants out; not "exactly" an EA, but...need help, ple*

pidge: Same thought went through my head.

I think you said it when you mentioned Karma. 

However, I think it really is about learning through life experiences and if you haven't learned, you are doomed to repeat them. Just as your current wife is flinging, she has learned nothing. You being older, perhaps you have learned what is important in life, but it sounds as if you were doing the same thing just recently. 

I don't know, you mention no-one has ever done this before. Hey that's why pride heads the top of the seven deadlies.

Oh well, you guys sound like perfect matches to teach each other. Hopefully, you both learn before you land in someone else's world that is trustworthy and honest. Ye gads.


----------



## Betterman (Dec 10, 2011)

*Re: Newbie Here - wife of 10 yrs wants out; not "exactly" an EA, but...need help, ple*

Wow, not exactly the kind of support I was hoping for. I haven't cheated on her. I've learned. Regardless of my past transgressions, I am human and have made mistakes and now I am hurting and in need of support or at least some constructive guidance. You don't know what I was going through in the past that led to our relationship to begin with.

If you can't say something supportive or at least constructive but can only judge, I would rather you just refrain.


----------



## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

*Re: Newbie Here - wife of 10 yrs wants out; not "exactly" an EA, but...need help, ple*

You have to ask yourself if you want to live in an open marriage. Yeah it is an EA and will most likely become a PA soon enough. If she wants to be "free" there is not much you can do. The question is if she decides the OM isn't the one and wants to come back do you let her?


----------



## Betterman (Dec 10, 2011)

*Re: Newbie Here - wife of 10 yrs wants out; not "exactly" an EA, but...need help, ple*

I'm just trying to figure out how to deal with the immediate hurt more than anything. Do I hold out hope or do I go ahead and tell her to go and start the healing process? She does say she is confused and last night coming home from a party, she started to fall asleep in the car and she muttered while falling asleep, "we don't need to separate." 

She is not a bad person, she is just very young and she has been with me since her mid-20s. To a degree, I understand what she is going through and she admits she may be having some kind of hormonal imbalance as well. I just wish she would think clearly enough to just say, "whoa, maybe I need to think about this before I move out." I have nothing to base it on, but it just seems to me that once a person moves out, it's done.

I just don't know and am seeking experienced input, support, and guidance.


----------



## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

*Re: Newbie Here - wife of 10 yrs wants out; not "exactly" an EA, but...need help, ple*

Betterman: I did not mean to sound intolerant. What I meant was learning and if your indiscretions were in the past and not this relationship, then my apologies.

Only you can make your decision: what do you want? That is the question. If you want it to work and she wants it to work, then insist that she have no contact with this person and perhaps marriage counseling would be beneficial. It is hard work either way and I do wish you the best. You're in a painful situation as we all have been.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

*Re: Newbie Here - wife of 10 yrs wants out; not "exactly" an EA, but...need help, ple*

Don't fight her, if she wants to go let her go and wish her the best. The point is that she sees that while it hurts like hell for you to do so, that you want her to be happy and if that means divorcing you then so be it. But please don't allow yourself to become her doormat by allowing her to eat cake. If she wants to be by herself or with another man, then she should rely on herself and/or the other man for all her emotional needs. In the meantime you take care of yourself by continuing to improve all aread of your life. Implement the 'The 180 degree rules' (click on the link below my signature) to become emotionally stronger to the point where you can move on with your life with or without her, and also implement the 'Just Let Them Go' (again click on the link below my signature).

Good luck.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

*Re: Newbie Here - wife of 10 yrs wants out; not "exactly" an EA, but...need help, ple*

Sounds like it already was a real PA and her going back was planned by her with the hopes of hooking up again.

As for dealing with the hurt, call your ex and ask her his she got over your cheating?

Clearly your wife has no problem with being with married men or breaking up marriages, so she already is tolerant of cheating and cheaters, so this is what you get.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

*Re: Newbie Here - wife of 10 yrs wants out; not "exactly" an EA, but...need help, ple*

It sounds like you are pretty relaxed about cheatng. Why not offer to let her have an affair or an open marriage?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

*Re: Newbie Here - wife of 10 yrs wants out; not "exactly" an EA, but...need help, ple*

Would it matter if she cheated physically?


----------



## Sindo (Oct 29, 2011)

*Re: Newbie Here - wife of 10 yrs wants out; not "exactly" an EA, but...need help, ple*

Remember when you cheated on your own previous wife? I would wager your ex was having exactly the same thoughts you are now. 

This is known as karma. If you can dish it out, you should learn to take it.


----------



## Betterman (Dec 10, 2011)

*Re: Newbie Here - wife of 10 yrs wants out; not "exactly" an EA, but...need help, ple*



morituri said:


> Don't fight her, if she wants to go let her go and wish her the best. The point is that she sees that while it hurts like hell for you to do so, that you want her to be happy and if that means divorcing you then so be it. But please don't allow yourself to become her doormat by allowing her to eat cake. If she wants to be by herself or with another man, then she should rely on herself and/or the other man for all her emotional needs. In the meantime you take care of yourself by continuing to improve all aread of your life. Implement the 'The 180 degree rules' (click on the link below my signature) to become emotionally stronger to the point where you can move on with your life with or without her, and also implement the 'Just Let Them Go' (again click on the link below my signature).
> 
> Good luck.


Morituri - I appreciate your non-judgmental input and guidance very much. The 180 Rules and the Let Her Go post were very helpful reads.

It's sad that many on this Forum feel themselves so perfect and flawless as to sanctimoniously judge the lives of others and the mistakes they may have made while knowing nothing of the details of their life conditions at the time.


----------



## Betterman (Dec 10, 2011)

*Re: Newbie Here - wife of 10 yrs wants out; not "exactly" an EA, but...need help, ple*

May I please just vent for a moment? The other night we were out with friends (some of whom don't know yet) and she was texting back and forth with the OM during the dinner. This guy is overseas. I didn't notice it, but the other women there did. I want to implement the 180 plan and LOVINGLY release her, but that kind of behavior is disrespectful to me.

In weaker moments, I just want to kick her out because of this. In stronger moments I think, what's the difference, the situation is no different whether she is texting him or not.

We have agreed that she would move out in early January and we would keep the bills shared thru the end of January. She is getting some bonuses we are supposed to share that would really help.

Do I tell her to go ahead and go now anyway or do I stick to the agreed plan? Or, alternatively, do I confront her about the disrespectful behavior but stick to the planned schedule?


----------

