# A twisted story - advice would be greatful



## Outside Again (Feb 1, 2016)

I’ve known my wife for 3 years, now married 1 and ½. It’s my second marriage. Late 30’s. No kids. This is not your typical tale of cheating, or money issues, or problems in the bedroom. 

I don’t know how else to go about it but I’ve become unhappy and terrified with the whole situation. As an overview, I’m the breadwinner of the family because my wife has health problems making it hard for her to work at times. She is bi-polar II and has fibromyalgia. She has always managed her illness well, going to doctors and keeping the medication going. We’ve had great times, similar sense of humor, similar tastes in media, etc… After getting married we decided for her to get off all medication to try to have a kid, but it wasn’t happening for us (even had two mis-carriages) over the course of a year. So began the downward spiral. (as of this writing she is in the middle of getting back on her prior medication so we can see if we can work on the marriage).

I’m trying to keep this short, but it seems you never can. We’ve both done things to each other. Some things happened over the last year that I admit I wasn’t as responsive as I should have been. One such example is dealing with her ex-boyfriend. She says he is a narcissist and has been stalking her for 3 years. He breaks into our home network and he breaks into her cell phone. He came to our house once and left cigarette stains on her car window as he looked into them and she heard sounds like he was trying to climb our fence. We have been to the police and they are zero help. Until something serious happens, they can’t do anything. We’ll have to pay $1,000’s to hire computer scientist to track him. I drug my feet and was denying this stalking issue was a big deal. I thought he’d quit eventually. I really don’t know why I thought that. I’ve obviously never dealt with this before. She is scared he’s going to come find her and eventually kill her. She says these people never stop, they just get worse. Sometimes she would blame me that I was the one doing all these things to the electronics to abuse her and make her paranoid. I’m like “huh?? No way”. Our marriage might have some problems, but the last thing I want to do is hurt her or add to her stress. Anyway, fights grew and we just had it out. Because I had a hard time believing everything, she thought I was just like him and helping him stalk her by not doing anything, that I was manipulating the situation and making her vulnerable. We almost divorced early January already. Then she came to realize that I might have something else going on with me. (next paragraph). 

She is a smart lady and VERY quick on her words. I can’t argue with her. I just shut down. Because anytime I say a word she will just steamroll right over what I say with ease. So I’m basically a freaking doormat at this point. This creates a big problem because I’m terrified of mentioning anything to her because she can find a way to use it against me later. My memory is horrible and hers is flawless. She can pull something out of the hat that I did 2 years ago and ream me for it and I can’t even remember what I had for dinner 2 nights ago. So she’ll use memory against me to say I change my stories or lie to her when she asks me questions about past things. We talk about our ex’s more than our own life together. She says the past abusive relationships need to be talked about and processed to find out my triggers in my actions and choices this past year. She keeps an eye on the ex’s through the internet almost daily (facebook/dating profiles) so she can track their movements and mental stability. She says she needs to in case they look like they might become unstable and try to contact us or come to our home. She is very well-versed in psychology. After the way I acted the past year she claims I now have a mental disorder too; avoidant personality disorder. From what I read so far, eh, I might have some traits and I’m a pretty shy person, but no official doctor has told me so. I think I’m just in a bad depression window here because of all this crap going on. When big situations occur I tend to pull away. I started seeing a counselor for a month but she wasn’t helping me target my issues so I’m calling different ones now. We had a couples counsel session set up (that the wife made), then 2 days before she canceled it. She said that these problems are mine and that I’d just bad mouth her in the session and we wouldn’t get anywhere anyway, At least not until I’m “medicated” from my “avoidance” and depression first. 

So, I do love her but I’m not feeling as close anymore if that makes sense. I’m just very depressed. The thought of having a kid at this point is really too hard for me to consider anymore. I can’t take care of her, a kid, the chores, my job, the animals, groceries, finances, the cars, the yardwork, being told I’m a sick person, etc. It’s too much pressure. I’ll jump off a bridge. Am I jerk because I can’t cut it now? I can’t get the courage to tell her these things because she is VERY good at making me feel super guilty and that all of this is my fault. VERY, VERY, VERY GOOD at it. We pretty much fought like 3-4 times a week going back to the first couple days of January (although March has been more tame, so far). In the arguments, I’ll admit that I handled some things wrong and apologize but she will continue to yell that I keep repeating the same actions and she says I need to give better answers and change back to how I used to be. She likes to add some verbal abuse because she likes to throw in some low shots and threats to me. I’ve gone from being your average, quiet, pretty happy guy, to a guy needing (?) depression medicine and being told I have a mental disorder and that “I” need help. 

So be up front with me… am I the bad guy here??? Or do I have reason for concern??? I really need an outside opinion/view on this because my head is racing with so many things that I can’t focus or process. I’m so mentally wore out that I can’t half support myself and her emotionally. I'm just so freakin' lost.......

So give it to me straight as an outside view. What are your thoughts on this situation??


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

Are you sure it's just "Bi-Polar" that your W suffers from? She sound like paranoid delusional to me. Maybe NPD. 

If you're really worried about an "ex" coming around--which I think is extremely unlikely--purchase some cheap game cameras. You'll know if he is, and you'll see where and when. Don't tell your W about them, just set them up quietly. 

If you catch him on camera, then you'll have to figure out what you want to do.

Stop focusing on her, focus on yourself. You need to clear your head.

What do you do to stay healthy physically? Do you spend much time apart?


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## Outside Again (Feb 1, 2016)

Kivlor said:


> Are you sure it's just "Bi-Polar" that your W suffers from? She sound like paranoid delusional to me. Maybe NPD.
> 
> If you're really worried about an "ex" coming around--which I think is extremely unlikely--purchase some cheap game cameras. You'll know if he is, and you'll see where and when. Don't tell your W about them, just set them up quietly.
> 
> ...



Yes, she's been diagnosed bi-polar since 2001 and medication does help her out of depressive/manic states so she is good on that one. Now if there is more than that.... I wouldn't know.

Ahh, the cameras. We've already installed a hi-def security camera system on the house. This is one of the things I dropped the ball on purchasing for a couple months. Again, I can't understand why I waited so long to get them and now she resents me for that. Or hates me as she says. In the arguments she says she is "sick of people not believing her and nobody should have to live with privacy compromised and in fear". And yes, she is right. I don't know, maybe I just don't have the capacity to understand all of this, and/or deal with it 

I don't do too much to stay healthy. I've already lost over 10 pounds to the depression. And we spend all our time together. I'm afraid to do much anything else on my own. While adjusting to medication she can't leave the bedroom, let alone the house, so I want to stay around to help her with things that she needs.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

Outside Again said:


> Yes, she's been diagnosed bi-polar since 2001 and medication does help her out of depressive/manic states so she is good on that one. Now if there is more than that.... I wouldn't know.
> 
> Ahh, the cameras. We've already installed a hi-def security camera system on the house. This is one of the things I dropped the ball on purchasing for a couple months. Again, I can't understand why I waited so long to get them and now she resents me for that. Or hates me as she says. In the arguments she says she is "sick of people not believing her and nobody should have to live with privacy compromised and in fear". And yes, she is right. I don't know, maybe I just don't have the capacity to understand all of this, and/or deal with it
> 
> I don't do too much to stay healthy. I've already lost over 10 pounds to the depression. And we spend all our time together. I'm afraid to do much anything else on my own. While adjusting to medication she can't leave the bedroom, let alone the house, so I want to stay around to help her with things that she needs.


Honestly, I wouldn't have dropped the money on Hi-Def, but more power to ya. 

Your W needs to simmer down. Most people don't have stalkers that suddenly come around 2+ years later. How long has she thought this guy is coming around? What makes her certain it is him, and not someone else? Is there proof of him messing with the electronics? 

I asked about your physical health because it's important. Physical health is intricately related to emotional health. Start by getting into a regimen for your own well being. I and many people here highly recommend powerlifting. I'm a proponent of Stonglifts 5x5 as a great beginners program. It's an hour or two for 3 days a week. Since you don't have kids, you should be able to swing it.

As for your emotional well-being, and how to address the attempts by your W to tear you down... there are a lot of options. I'm a proponent of philosophy. Stoicism was very helpful for me and I recommend Meditations by Marcus Aurelius, as it is eminently readable. It's available for free here. 

Am I correct in understanding that you allow your W to run roughshod over you? When she says things that tear you down, is it her aim to do so, or is she just tactless?


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

I just want to add that the position she appears to be taking of "If you don't believe me and do something immediately you're trying to help those who want to harm me!" is narcissistic and extremely unhealthy. This is the kind of stuff that makes me think you're dealing with a person suffering from paranoid delusions. She may be schizophrenic. And if that's the case I would seriously consider running for the hills.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Are the cameras pointed inward or outward? Watching you?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, you met and married a woman with a known mental disorder. Then she went off her meds, apparently with your agreement, for a period of time. She's behaving as if she's mentally unstable, _because she is_. You surely knew that already and were prepared for it to at least a certain extent? Now you know - really _know_ - that your mentally ill wife is really mentally ill unless she's taking her medications. When her medications are again properly regulated, a lot of these issues may be resolved. 

But living with a mentally ill person can be extremely challenging. It's not something that everyone can or should try to do long-term. It sounds like it's been very hard on you and your relationship. You may need to reevaluate whether or not you're both capable of, and willing to, continue working with her to get her illness under better control. But also be aware that proper medication may not "fix" certain issues. Anything that you saw in her that was problematic when she was medicated before, will likely still be a problem once she's medicated again. So, were the behaviors that are currently causing you such distress evident earlier before she went off-meds?


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

blueinbr said:


> Are the cameras pointed inward or outward? Watching you?


I was serious about the question. Are the camera watching the outside of the home, inside of the home or both? Is she trying to catch an intruder in the household?

I worry about her monitoring all the ex's all day on FB. I fear that she will add review of the camera feed too to what she does all day.


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## Outside Again (Feb 1, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> Are the cameras pointed inward or outward? Watching you?


The cameras are pointed outward. Mounted on the house towards the driveway and parts of the yard.

To answer Kivlor: This is the boyfriend she was seeing before me. She was living with him and moved in with me after they broke up. She said he had access to her laptop and phone so he could have planted software to watch her ever since she left him 3 years ago. He does work in I.T. helpdesk so he could probably find resources to do this stuff. I did witness her electronics doing weird stuff at times and we had an unknown device connect to our router. Verizon said it did sound like a hacker and sent us a new one but we think he's found a way back in.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Why doesn't she just get a new phone, same phone number, but don't back up the contacts? Do that manually. Small price to pay. Or A complete reset of the phone to factory defaults.

You can set the router so that it ONLY connects to the MAC addresses you manually enter. Make sure that the router is not set to the default password such as "admin". Make sure you reset the router from a different laptop, not hers, otherwise you will not make any progress. Then install a good security suite on the laptop. 

If he had access to her phone and laptop he installed key loggers etc on them. Do a clean wipe of the laptop. Take it to Best Buy or someplace similar and they can do that at lower cost.

It is easy to be paranoid about the unknown device connects. I have iphone, ipads, security cameras, amazon alexa, smart tvs, dvd players, apple tv, fire tv etc. All connect to the router and many list themselves as unknown. You need to write down the MAC address of all of them. Like I mentioned, You can set the router so that it ONLY connects to the MAC addresses you manually enter. And give each device a name that your router will store.


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## Outside Again (Feb 1, 2016)

Rowan said:


> So, were the behaviors that are currently causing you such distress evident earlier before she went off-meds?


No, before all that we had great times. Low stress. We were just like any other couple.



blueinbr said:


> Why doesn't she just get a new phone, same phone number, but don't back up the contacts? Do that manually. Small price to pay. Or A complete reset of the phone to factory defaults.


We did get her a new phone and number already, so that seems to be working fine. We've reformatted our computers several times. She thinks he is either living in the router, or he installed software on our machines when he was in there to live through formats and reinstallation of windows so that he can continue to live in our computers too. She's installed a program now to watch packets through our router. It's complicated but there seems to be some weird stuff. But again we'd have to hire someone to track it back to his place... if they can even do that stuff.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

Outside Again said:


> The cameras are pointed outward. Mounted on the house towards the driveway and parts of the yard.
> 
> To answer Kivlor: This is the boyfriend she was seeing before me. She was living with him and moved in with me after they broke up. She said he had access to her laptop and phone so he could have planted software to watch her ever since she left him 3 years ago. He does work in I.T. helpdesk so he could probably find resources to do this stuff. I did witness her electronics doing weird stuff at times and we had an unknown device connect to our router. Verizon said it did sound like a hacker and sent us a new one but we think he's found a way back in.





Outside Again said:


> No, before all that we had great times. Low stress. We were just like any other couple.
> 
> 
> 
> We did get her a new phone and number already, so that seems to be working fine. We've reformatted our computers several times. She thinks he is either living in the router, or he installed software on our machines when he was in there to live through formats and reinstallation of windows so that he can continue to live in our computers too. She's installed a program now to watch packets through our router. It's complicated but there seems to be some weird stuff. But again we'd have to hire someone to track it back to his place... if they can even do that stuff.


What makes you think it is this ex of hers, and not someone else? Is there any evidence that it was him, and not just a hacker / virus? I've been hacked before, but I never ascribed it to someone who was out to get _me_. You mentioned both of your machines, is yours acting up as well? What anti-virus do you use? How would the ex have installed malware on both her machine and yours? 

The odds just aren't likely (but possible I suppose). I think this is an excellent example of when you should use Occam's Razor. It could just as easily be someone (like a neighbor or their kid) trying to leach your internet and hack your stuff. 

And yes, someone could backtrack where he's coming from. But if you've got a savvy hacker, he's using a proxy, or more likely a series of proxy servers that bounce back to places all over the globe and that would make it very difficult; maybe impossible.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

blueinbr said:


> It is easy to be paranoid about the unknown device connects. I have iphone, ipads, security cameras, amazon alexa, smart tvs, dvd players, apple tv, fire tv etc. All connect to the router and many list themselves as unknown. You need to write down the MAC address of all of them. Like I mentioned, You can set the router so that it ONLY connects to the MAC addresses you manually enter. And give each device a name that your router will store.


This is great advice OP, consider it.

Also, why not drop WiFi completely and switch to hard-line?


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Kivlor said:


> This is great advice OP, consider it.
> 
> Also, why not drop WiFi completely and switch to hard-line?


Do you want to run hard line to all your TVs, DVD etc? And your phones will work faster with wifi vs cell for in home use, and you cannot hardline your smartphone. But if you are that worried, do it.


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## Outside Again (Feb 1, 2016)

Kivlor said:


> What makes you think it is this ex of hers, and not someone else? Is there any evidence that it was him, and not just a hacker / virus? .


She says he is the last person who has had close access to her life and would want to try to make the impression that he can still "reach out and touch her". You are correct that we have no 100% evidence it is him and she knows this. But she is 99% sure it's him. I have not had my desktop do anything abnormal honestly. 

I may have to revisit the mac address thing on our router and try that again.

We actually wiped our computers and did hard wire the house and turned off the wireless. Then her laptop acted funny again and she swears he hid some bullet-proof software on there that lets him back in. Like a remote desktop program or similar. Which lets him back into the router and this cycle just keeps repeating. In a nutshell, she says whatever software he has keeps him living on the computer or router at anytime and he can just jump back and forth. 

Like I said, I can't confirm all of this and don't know what all is possible. I'm not a high level networking guy or do I know how to hack.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

blueinbr said:


> Do you want to run hard line to all your TVs, DVD etc? And your phones will work faster with wifi vs cell for in home use, and you cannot hardline your smartphone. But if you are that worried, do it.


I could live with it, at least for 6 months or so to make sure wife's "stalker" quits messing with my family. People usually aren't that patient. He'll give up, if he exists at all. 

The only thing this would cause issue with is my phone. My TV is not connected to the internet--although it can. It is connected to my desktop. I have everything centralized off of my computer.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

Outside Again said:


> She says he is the last person who has had close access to her life and would want to try to make the impression that he can still "reach out and touch her". You are correct that we have no 100% evidence it is him and she knows this. But she is 99% sure it's him. I have not had my desktop do anything abnormal honestly.
> 
> I may have to revisit the mac address thing on our router and try that again.
> 
> ...


Can you afford to replace the computer? Replace it and the router simultaneously. That would be the answer to this.

If you continue to have problems, (A) virus from the websites she visits / programs she installs (B) direct hack from remote location (C) delusional. Regardless, if this persists, my money is on it not being her "ex".


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

I am a guy who needs anti-depressants and needs help. I got the help and now things are back to where they were, normal and happy. The things you list that have to be done by you is life. That is what a man does. I worked 6 days a week, 12 hours a day to be able to afford my own home. I travelled overseas for 4 months a year working in 21 countries and waking up not knowing what country I was in. I had to drop out of college when my wife became disabled and was bedridden for two months. I held down 3 jobs to pay the bills and also took care of our 3 animals as well as my wife. I never complained. I forgot, I had PTSD when I got back from Vietnam to deal with. Been on Tranquilizers and sleeping pills since I was 21. I could not sleep with my wife because I would have flashbacks and attack her in bed.

I also paid all the bills and did all the housework. My wife is still handicapped but mobile. We do get all the good parking spots though so that is something positive.  BTW, my wife fell ill the first night of our honeymoon. We only had $500 in the bank at that time. I worked hard to get ahead in life and I succeeded. I was able to give my wife a life that she never dreamed she could have. She stills does not know why I married her or stayed with her. She never had to work and I did not leave her because she could not have children. She has all sorts of medical problems and I still take care of her for months after major surgeries.


It that is not enough, my wife is bisxual and prefers sex with women. She does not allow intercourse for both medical and personal reasons. If that is still not enough, my wife moved her girlfriend into our home where she stayed for most of our marriage. I still work 12 hour days, sometimes more until 3am, so I can pay off the medical bills and mortgage. Despite a high income, I have spent our money paying off medical deductibles and medical bills from before we had medical insurance. 

I am still married to a wife that I love deeply and who feels the same for me despite her sexual preference. Our sex is watching my wife masturbate with a vibrator while I kiss her. She gives me an orgasm every few months. Her girlfriend is gone so she only has me for sex. She only wants a man for marriage, romance and dating but prefers women for sex and only sex. Kind of weird but that is how she is. 

Throughout this all I did what was expected of a husband. I took tranquilizers, sleeping pills, illegal drugs and antidepressants, whatever got me through the day. I saw a psychologist who helped a lot. I will see one again soon when I go on Medicare this year. It was not all bad. My wife allowed me to have sex with her girlfriend and basically had a don't ask, don't tell attitude because I was away for so long and often was not into sex with a man. I also forgot to mention that I wear a custom made stainless steel chastity cage on my penis to prevent me from touching it and my wife has full control of when and how we have sex. It has been 5 weeks since my last orgasm and if I am lucky, I will have one on Easter. 

Most men would have left a long time ago but my wife and I fell in love at first sight, literally. We were engaged 3 weeks after we met and have been though hell and back together. We know that we love each other by things we do for each other, other than sex. My wife always made sure my sexual needs where met, even going as far as asking her friends to have sex with me. All but one did. Despite all of this, I love my marriage and never complain about it. We have had a great life together for over 40 years. I seem to remember the good times and push the bad stuff to the back of my mind. For me, as long as there are more good days than bad, I have won. Some of us do have it rough but I am a tough guy. My face has 5 scars on it from fights when I was young. Also some problems from combat and football that nagged me for years. I was raised at a time when a man was quiet and did what a man was supposed to do without complaint. I have always overcome adversity because I was always willing to do what it took to do so and did it with a good sense of humor. 

We had no kids so I can imagine adding that to your problems is not something you desire but we cannot have kids and I would kill to be in your position.


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