# Talking to EX-Husband



## alabama09 (Sep 23, 2009)

I am looking for some advice from other married couples out there, as I am trying to make my marriage work but we are having some problems. 
My wife and I, we are in our thirties, have been married for almost 7 years. My wife was married before and had a child, and saddened to say she was killed in a car wreak at 2 months old. It's been almost 14 years since that happened. 
When we got together they were not talking, and over the years they made up and started talking again. My wife still has a very close connection to his parents as she feels they have treated her better than her parents. When she goes back home she stays at his parents house. 
Last year, they were texting on the phone almost daily and talking a lot, and she came out and told me that she was confused and did not know what she wanted, they she still loved him. I was blown away by this, and she told me that she needed to go home and think about things. She went home and stayed with his parents and she came around and told me that she did not want him she wanted to be with me, and she came back home. 

We went in for Christmas there, assuming everything was back to normal, and her and her ex-husband 
Spent a lot of time decorating their daughters grave, and shortly after we came back home. His grandmother's health was in question so we went back there, and she wanted to stay there and help out. While I was there she had me watch our two boys and go to the hospital with him alone. I left and came home, and she stayed there spending every day with him, and eating dinner with him. We went through hell during this, as she told him she loved him, and he said he wanted her back and that he would take her and our boys in, this angered me so much. 
After a while, she said she knew what she wanted and came back home again. For the past 4 months she has not talked to him much at all. Now she is talking to him daily, and talking to him on the phone again. 

I talked to her and told her I do not like it, and it will happen again. She has told me that he is just a friend and nothing more, but that is not true! She has went though this before, twice! She deletes her cell phone messages, and carries her cell phone around the house not to miss a text. I told her how I felt a few days ago
And how it bothered me, and asked her can you promise me this won't happen again, and she told me no I won't promise that. I asked her if she wanted our marriage to work and she told me she did not know. 

The next day she told me, I'm cutting him out of my life, it's what you wanted, and said she would not forgive me for that, and she would not be all happy with me. I can understand the need to talk to him on her birthday and the day she passed, but to talk to him just for the hell of it, I can't understand that, when it has led her feelings astray. 

Now she is angry with me, and distant, and wants to go back to her home state for a week, and then come back for therapy for herself and us. I told her before that she did not need to go back home that we needed to go to counceling and therapy together, but before changing her mind she told me no I don't need help. 

She told me yesterday that I backed her into a corner and made her choose to stop talking to him, but I don't see any other option, when she told me we were not going to go to counceling together for it. 

I just don't know what to do anymore, or believe, what does anyone think of my situation. I know my wife loves me, but she just won't get rid of this guy. I treat her the best and love her with all of my heart.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

You could try a compromise: she shares everything he says with you. She lets him know this, and then the secrecy is gone. I suspect she feels that he is the only one who truly understands her pain at losing their daughter, and this is the bond that connects them. Yes, she should be getting counseling if that's what you want, but absent that, maybe getting her to share some of her pain with you (as you see the texts he and she exchange) will help her begin to see you as a system of support. 

I cannot even imagine how difficult their loss has been. That she has you and 2 more kids is great, but it does not change what her loss has been, of course. Best of luck; tough situation.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Agree with Sis. You are in fairly uncharted territory, her experience is one which is a lonely one. I would be supportive to her, as long as she keeps it in the open. Perhaps you could attend a support group for parents...just to understand better, I don't know.

She has moved on with much of her life, hence she has you and the boys. She is CLEARLY trying. 

I think after 14 years she does need to move a little further on down the road with the loss, though since I have never walked in her shoes, I cannot fully understand.

I take it she has been in some counseling for her loss?

I don't think any mother could ever get over the loss of a child. Even after fourteen years..


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## alabama09 (Sep 23, 2009)

Well I understand that she needs him to talk about her, and that's all it should be, but she has feel back in love with him twice now, and when they talk, it's not about the daughter, it's about general stuff, and it had gotten to the point last time of texting I miss you, I want you back. She says they are just friends, but it's happened twice now, what's to say she won't fall in love with him again, especially when she said I can't promise you it won't. 
I see no other way at this than marriage counceling, which she was totally against, or not talking to him, he has stated in the past time that he wanted her back and he would take her back, how can a husband be ok with this??

In addition, last time we went though this she flat out told me, I don't have to tell you what he and I talk about, it's not your business, you don't have the right to know. I don't trust either of them together, so I see no reason for them to talk, but now she is pissed at me that she is going to stop talking to him.


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## foolz1 (Sep 5, 2009)

Alabama09, I disagree with your wife, as she is essentially having an emotional affair with him, even if nothing else is going on. You are her husband now, and if she cares about you and your marriage, she shouldn't be hiding things from you.


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## alabama09 (Sep 23, 2009)

Thank you, someone that agrees with me, even though she is doing nothing wrong at the moment, I fear it will lead into something again. She has told me over and over that there is no such thing as emotionally cheating, I disagree. Right now she is mad at me because she told him what is going on and won't talk to her, even though she has tried to call him and repeatadly text him. 
I just can't understand why she cannot get over this guy and focus on her husband and family she has now. I asked her to go to marriage counceling with me so we can deal with this and move on but instead she just wants to go back home for a stay there for a few weeks. It's a sad situation, but she goes back home to stay with his parents, so that does not help me at all, his freaking pictures are all over the house there. 
Just so lost and confused, stressing over this so bad....


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

alabama09, She is wrong. It is TOTALLY your business. You are her husband. I agree with Sandy55 that there is no way for those of us to understand what she has gone through unless we've lost a child ourselves but her telling you that it is none of your business what they talk about is absolutely wrong. I am sorry you are going through this but it sounds to me from your posts that she is falling for him again.

I don't know your whole story but have you two been having marital problems. It sounds to me like she, for some reason, may be losing interest in you. You have probably already tried talking about her contacts with her EX but maybe talking about you, and her issues with you, might steer the conversation to some other underlying root cause of why she is distancing herself from your marriage. I don't know, just my thought on your situation.

But again, I totally disagree with her comment that this is none of your business; on the contrary, it is more your business than anybody elses because your marraige is at stake.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

I think that she is using this man. Think about what she's done to him AND you! He's been a yo-yo. Whenever she feels the need, she runs back to him and gets her ego stroked or whatever, and feels a pull toward him, and then when she has to choose, she chooses you.

Why do EITHER of you put up with it? She is making fools of both of you and you're allowing it because you love her.

She has a real problem. I don't know where it comes from, but she has a problem. She is using him like a drug or alcohol or medication and she's turning everyone's world upside down to do it. 

SHe doesn't love him.

She doesn't love you.

She may be capable, but whatever is wrong with her makes her incapable at this time.

She needs help. But I'd tell her that if she leaves again to not come back. This is ridiculous.

And putting it on you for cutting the other guy out of her life? Give me a break. She married you. She cut him out when that happened. That she renegs on promises is about her.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

agree with dobo,

sure she's been through hell - 

but she is an adult with two living children to be responsible for

sorry if this sounds harsh -

but I don't think offering her background as an excuse is doing her or you any good

that is her past - sure it's a valuable part of who she is now, a huge part of her story - but not ever an excuse for disrespecting you - 

it's HER stuff not yours...


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## alabama09 (Sep 23, 2009)

Thank you guys and girls for your thoughts. I have tried and tried to talk to her about things with her talking to him and she just doesn’t understand why I have such a big
Problem with her talking to him. The guy is an alcoholic and I told her I don’t want our
Kids around him, and she said that was her decision not mine, she told me that he was good with the kids and they liked him. 

The messed up situation is that she considers HIS parents her parents and considers
Our children, their grandchildren. So right now while we are having problems about him
And the situation we are in, she refuses to go to marriage counseling, she would rather run back home and stay with them. Last time we went through this, she told me when
She got back that they were trying to get her back with him, when I would call to talk to her, his mother would make comments saying is that him calling again?? So I don’t trust them, and I don’t trust her staying with them because of what happened last time, she says this time I can trust them, but I don’t think so. I feel bad that I don’t trust her, 
Granted she has come back to me the last two times and did not stay with him, but after what happened last time and how she would tell me I have no right to know what they talk about, and how she would text back and forth they miss each other and love each other, I am really still hurt by that and what I told her we need to do is go and get help. 

The other day I checked the redial on the phone and saw she tried to call him, I asked her about it and she told me she did not want it to end like that with him, and she has been texting him like crazy trying to talk to him, he however has not been talking to her, it’s like she is addicted to him, actually last year she told me she was addicted to him. 

I take the best care of her, I spoil her, show her all of my attention, take care of the kids when I get home, cook, help her clean house, worry about her health and her state of mind, she tells me I smother her. Every day I kiss her, rub her, walk by her and give her a kiss on the head or some kind of affection, but she rarely does the same to me. Maybe she has lost interest in me, maybe I show her to much affection, maybe she likes being treated like ****, because he sure would not do the things I do for her. 

The biggest thing that hurts is when I told her that she is getting to close to him again and I worry it will happen again, I asked her point blank, Can you promise me it would not happen again, and she repeatly told me I don’t make promises like that, or I won’t promise that. How F’D up is that? How is that supposed to make me feel? She says I am controlling her by telling her I can’t talk to him, that’s not it at all, I don’t want to lose her, and I fear it will happen again. 

Right now she is heading back home on Saturday and only taking on of the kids, she tells me that she will only be gone a week or two weeks and if I call her to much she just won’t answer the phone. I don’t know if he is going to be there when she goes in, if he is, well I’m already guessing it will be over because she’ll talk to him in person. 

She’s already told me she doesn’t think she deserves me, and she really believes that, 
But why would she jeopardize our future together. 

I really don’t know why she has to have him in her life, she’s already to me she’s known him longer than me. I get that they had a daughter together and a life together, but that was the past, she just refuses to move on. 

I show her such a genuine love and care, but she doesn’t see that, she sees me asking her every day how she is feeling as being smothering and controlling. I don’t want to give up because I love her and we have two children together. I know she really has a hatred towards me right now because he is not talking to her. 

I even went as far as to talk to her psychologist and therapist trying to explain what is going on with her and how she was acting trying to save our marriage, but when she found out that I was seeing them, she was pissed beyond belief. I invaded her privacy, 
But those professionals did not tell me what she talked about, only listened and advised me what to do. Her therapist told me over and over she needs therapy and she should not return back home, we need to go back to her together. 


I asked her the other day if she was going to wear her wedding ring while she was back home (because she only wears it when she goes out and not around the house), and she got upset, is it not in my concern to ask that? 

I’m just so lost and confused, she’s just been so distant lately, I really don’t know if she is going to come back home or what she has planned. 

She might be just using me, I just don’t know what she is thinking, I know most women would love to have a man spoil them every day and smother them with love.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

I think you're acting like a chump. Stop spoiling her and give her exactly what she deserves.

Tell her the next time she leaves not to come back. 

You've trained this woman to take advantage of you.


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## alabama09 (Sep 23, 2009)

I know, but when you love someone it's hard, I know if I said something like that, she would leave me, I don't want our family to break up, I want her to get her **** together and relalize what she has, not what she had. It's hard because I'm in the military with 6 years left and we can't live near her family. 
I know the thing to do is say, it's me or him, or if you leave don't come back, but I can't bring myself to do it because she would do just that, argh, it's tearing me up because I'm not eating to much and losing weight with the stress of worrying, thinking about going back on anti-depressants, sigh.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

She's not going to get her head together because she doesn't have to. With you and the ex- behaving as you do, she is just fine ping-ponging between the two of you. 

Do you want to continue to live like this? Do you have the guts to actually fight for your marriage? Do you want her to respect you?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Alabama,

Dobo is giving you 100 percent great advice. 

Man to man - I am embarrassed for you. If you are not willing to risk losing your marriage - in order to have a marriage of respect - then you are setting a HORRIBLE example for your children. MAN UP NOW. 

This does not mean yelling or being aggressive. It does not mean posturing or anything like that. I will cut you a little slack here - which you only deserve because of this strange - death of a child situation. The OTHER GUY IS NOT A REAL COMPETITOR. Sure you must force a stop to their communication. But he is an alcoholic, not a real competitor. 

Find a friend who knows how to act properly towards a wife. SMOTHERING A WIFE RUINS A MARRIAGE. Focus on your boys, your job/career and be polite/warm to your wife but let her COME TO YOU. Stop telling her you love her for now. If she asks why, tell her you need a period of time to go by where it is totally clear who she wants to be with and what her priorities are. If she asks how long that will be - just say I am not leaving you - still if you want my love you need to break off this yo-yo I love you/yes/no/yes with your ex. When I am confident that has really happened, things will start to improve. 

If she gets huffy and goes to her parents - don't call, don't chase her. If you keep being weak she will keep jerkying both of you and the kids around. 












dobo said:


> She's not going to get her head together because she doesn't have to. With you and the ex- behaving as you do, she is just fine ping-ponging between the two of you.
> 
> Do you want to continue to live like this? Do you have the guts to actually fight for your marriage? Do you want her to respect you?


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

She is wrong; she is having an emotional affair, she has broken trust with you, and the only way to gain it back is to give you 100% access to all exchanges with him, always. She has no RIGHT to privacy at this point; you are her husband, not the government. Marriage should be an open book. She had the one possible exemption--losing a child with him--that only people with that experience can possibly understand fully, but she blew it when she fell back in love with him and jerked you around. 

You must decide how much of this you can/will take. Until you are willing to force the issue by showing a willingness to leave, she won't respect you or listen or follow through. Warning: she might not, even then. Your current family life at risk--is it worth it to you? You need to make sure you are clear on this because if she decides not to get help or change, you are stuck either leaving or living like this for the foreseeable future. Best of luck.


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

I really do NOT want to sound harsh, but its been put nicely and you keep trying to talk around it. MAN UP! She is playing you, and playing the other guy too. She is caught up in her own private soap opera and you are LETTING her act like this. She has NO reason to change her behavior because you simply do not demand otherwise. 
Quit being the martyr in this, and QUIT letting her run over top of you. While SHE can choose to leave you for an alcoholic she used to have a life with, she CANNOT tell you that your boys being around him is not your choice. You are in the military; contact a lawyer thru them and find out the facts of your legal rights. She has way too much control in this, and you have far too little. 

As far as smothering her with affaction. STOP!! She is likely seeing you as clingy and needy right now, and the other guy, having quit talking to her, is a challenge. She KNOWS she has you wrapped, so she is off to chase the man that presents a challenge to her...and then you will call her and tell her you love her and beg her to come back...and she will STILL know that she has you wrapped and she has to work for this other guy. 

IF she is taking one of your kids, then you call once a day and ask to speak to YOUR son. No need to converse with her, unless it is about your son, or when she plans to bring him home. Agree on a time when he will be brought home, even get it in writing, and if she does not arrive back, on that date, go talk to the lawyer again. But honestly, quit chasing her. It's feeding into her games, and now that she KNOWS she can play you both, she's going to every chance she gets.


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## alabama09 (Sep 23, 2009)

Wow, thank you everyone for your advise, I see clearly what you mean, and I should not accept this from her. I am being to clingy to her and I am smoothering her with love in fear she would leave me. I should just distance myself from her. 

MEM11363, you are correct, her therapist said he is a challenge, and she knows she has me, that is so right on what she said. 

She knows she has a man that loves her, and now she knows I clearly have a problem with her talking to him, I've stated I don't like it, and now she knows how much of a problem I have with it, she can either choose to destroy our marriage, or come to terms that talking to him is not good for us. You are right, when she leaves, I should not text or call her often, and have her miss me. I know she will miss the things I do for her, and maybe that absense will make her think about things. I guess if she chooses she wants to talk to him, then I guess we have nothing left.

I know I need to Man up, but I also know her being unstable as she is, she would just say we're done. 

I'll keep posting updates, but I will leave her alone and have her come to me. Thank you all for helping me, it's hard when someone you love is doing something so destructive and there is only one thing to do and you know it will only cause a problem 

You guys are right, I have been being weak, and letting her walk on me, and do what she wants, when I presented this to her about talking to him again, she got angry. I have to give the other guy credit for knowing that talking to her is ruining our marriage, but she does not see that. She resents me for him not talking to her, but she sees him as a challenge. I mean she rarly uses perfume and when we went in last time and they both went to the hospital together, she wore perfume and got all dressed up, when I asked her about it she said oh I havent worn that in a while, I thought I would wear it now. 

I guess what I will do is just leave her alone, make her miss me and just keep saying I don't want her talking to him. 

Thank you for all of your advise guys/girls. 

what I hope happens is that she goes home, relaxes, thinks about things and misses me and our other son and is ready to come home and deal with what she is leaving for in the first place.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Also, look good yourself. Take care of yourself. If she sees distance and you doing things differently, she's going to get curious. You want her to wonder what you're up to.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Alabama,
Buddy - you are clearly smart. So just ask yourself a simple question. If you are her, who do you actually CHOOSE to stay with, the loving guy who is being nice but not smothering you, or the ALCOHOLIC. Give her a little credit. 

What is killing you is that you have this reflex - she pulls away to get space and you run to her and smother her more. Your smothering is making her RUN TOWARDS HIM. 

Step 1: Start exercising, eat healthy and go easy on the drinking. If 1-2 drinks helps you get to sleep at night, ok, but that is it. 
Step 2: Write down your plan. What will you do if she does each of these things you are afraid of. Answer MUST BE that you outwardly control how you feel around her. You can go off by yourself and rage and scream and cry - it really is ok to cry - WHEN SHE IS NOT THERE - but when with her you need to be calm and reserved. A RATIONAL PERSON WOULD BE SLOWLY EMOTIONALLY WITHDRAWING FROM THIS CRAZY WOMAN. YOU NEED TO BE THE STRONG, RATIONAL GUY. 

For the moment, STOP making this about him and her. And just make this totally about YOU. If YOU stop responding to her bad behavior, remember, you accept that she is being a little crazy and a little sadistic to you. You don't have to like it. Just accept it. It will change over time ONLY IF YOU STOP REACTING TO IT. Write down your normal pattern of interaction with her. 
1. What does she do that makes you react/get angry or clingy
2. What does she SAY that causes the same angry/clingy
3. How often are you reaching out to her and she to you?
4. How many times a day/week do you say I love you - that should likely stop totally right now - remember you can say "I am committed to our marriage - not feeling very close to you right now for obvious reasons". 

Remember - it is always safe to say "I am NOT telling you what to do, this is just how I feel." She will realize that this means you are withdrawing emotionally due to her totally wrong relationship with her ex. But DON'T GET DRAWN INTO THE DRAMA. If she tries to put this on you with bs questions like "what do you want me to do". Just don't respond. Just be silent. She will freak out. But that is her problem - she KNOWS what she is doing is wrong. And you have already told her what you want. Don't get into an argument with a volatile self absorbed person. 

Plain and simple. It is sad she lost a child. That loss does not give her a lifetime of the ability to carry on with her ex under cover of "he is the only one who understands". There is NO therapist in the world who would support her behavior. Once a year a birthday grave visit for an hour to grieve - sure. But this is just a type of affair with a very sad excuse. 



Stop reaching out to her more then she does to you. I am not saying ignore her. 






alabama09 said:


> Wow, thank you everyone for your advise, I see clearly what you mean, and I should not accept this from her. I am being to clingy to her and I am smoothering her with love in fear she would leave me. I should just distance myself from her.
> 
> MEM11363, you are correct, her therapist said he is a challenge, and she knows she has me, that is so right on what she said.
> 
> ...


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## alabama09 (Sep 23, 2009)

Dobo and MEM you are right, but MEM I don't drink at all, he is the one that drinks. I've tried explaining that to her, that all it should be is birthdays and the day she died is normal to want to talk to her daughters father, not to just chit chat about stupid stuff as she says she does with him. 
I do reach out to her ALOT more than she does me, I tell her often I love her and touch her as I walk by, she however does not do the same, I usually go behind her and hug her and give her a kiss, I can't even remember the last time she did that to me, What I fear is that I stop doing those things she is going to say we have grown apart and want to get it from him, that's my biggest fear. We've had a bad year with our son getting diagnoised with bi-polar, but the only thing that we get into arguements about is him. We could be watching a movie having fun and laughing (2 weeks ago) and her cell phone go off and there is tension in the air, because I know she is talking to him. 
Now, when she gets on her phone she has to tell me, it's only (cousin/friend), he's not talking to me now ok??

She wonders that I am going to take the kids away from her because that is what our therapist told me to do, but I told her I'm not going to. Her therapist told me she needs to get back in and continue, and what she is doing is wrong, it is cheating, but she knows this now and does not want to hear it from a professional. 

I know that realistically, she would not go back to him, for the fact he is a drunk and lives in a trailer (no offense anyone), but we live in a big house. He has an unstable job, and I have a stable job. She would lose the kids while I got them for visitation, she would lose her insurance (she has alot of medical issues), and she would lose a man that is clearly in love with her. She would have to be crazy to do that. 

MEM you said There is NO therapist in the world who would support her behavior, I totally agree, that is exactly what she told me. 

I try so hard because I know she has alot of problems, her mother beat her as a child, she got with a controlling abusive man who beat her, a few other things I don't want to put on here, but I know she needs alot of counceling and help, she just refuses to accept it, hopefully she will.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

From your tone, you're in danger of not following the good advice you've been given.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, there's a quote by Mary Chapin Carpenter -- "We've got two lives : one we're given and the other one we make." It is a shame about your wife's past. But she's messing up her now all on her own. Don't enable her on this.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

> MEM you said There is NO therapist in the world who would support her behavior, I totally agree, that is exactly what she told me.


They may not support it, but they would understand it - and importantly, help her, and you to understand it. Understanding doesn't equate to acceptable.

I'm not qualified to make a diagnosis - but hell, that's never stopped me before. Your wife is more than likely suffering from PTSD, and/or co-dependence.

She is co-dependent upon the ex-husband, and his parents in order to maintain a sense of connection with her daughter. There are few things more traumatic than losing a child. Although, one would think that starting a new life with you, and having children would give her perspective on the loss of her daughter.
I was thinking PTSD before you indicated there were other traumatic events in her life. You can correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't get the sense that she is pursuing this guy. I do get the sense that she is following a feeling that leads her to him - but it isn't truly about him. And please be clear, I'm NOT saying it's okay. I also don't believe that she can, or will stop the behavior - primarily because she isn't sure why the hell she's doing it in the first place.

I don't think she's a cheater and you're being a doormat. Keep in mind that the responses of most folks here, myself included, are colored by their own experience. Should you simply tolerate what is going on? Absolutely not.

But ... I believe your wife is doing what she is doing as the result of an illness or condition, however you want to frame it. If she thought there were truly greener pastures in her boozing ex-husband's trailer, she would have already bailed.

My recommendation would be to firmly suggest that she needs professional help - _and that you are willing to help her with that process_
But if she decides to reject her responsibilities to her sons, her husband, her marriage, her own health and well-being, in order to pursue what she acknowledges is very unhealthy behavior, than you will take steps to protect yourself and your sons. You only get walked all over if you decide to lie down. Neither of you can live like this.

Good luck.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

All I hear from you is 

I am afraid to do the right thing because .....

You are the OPPOSITE of Cool Hand Luke, you have a powerful hand and are playing it fearfully and timidly. 
I really hope your children are not yet able to pick up on this. 





alabama09 said:


> Dobo and MEM you are right, but MEM I don't drink at all, he is the one that drinks. I've tried explaining that to her, that all it should be is birthdays and the day she died is normal to want to talk to her daughters father, not to just chit chat about stupid stuff as she says she does with him.
> I do reach out to her ALOT more than she does me, I tell her often I love her and touch her as I walk by, she however does not do the same, I usually go behind her and hug her and give her a kiss, I can't even remember the last time she did that to me, What I fear is that I stop doing those things she is going to say we have grown apart and want to get it from him, that's my biggest fear. We've had a bad year with our son getting diagnoised with bi-polar, but the only thing that we get into arguements about is him. We could be watching a movie having fun and laughing (2 weeks ago) and her cell phone go off and there is tension in the air, because I know she is talking to him.
> Now, when she gets on her phone she has to tell me, it's only (cousin/friend), he's not talking to me now ok??
> 
> ...


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I get it that you don't drink. Sorry for seeming confused in my earlier post. 





MEM11363 said:


> All I hear from you is
> 
> I am afraid to do the right thing because .....
> 
> ...


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## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

I do know your dilemma. Everyone tells me to be tough with my H and tell him the way it is and has to be. However I am so afraid to push him away further. I do feel like he will take it that way. I feel like that would make him think that I agree with him.


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## alabama09 (Sep 23, 2009)

No don't get me wrong I appreciate all the advice given by everyone, it is just hard knowing what you need to do and actually doing it. 
One of the reasons she says she wants to leave is because I've been pushing her to go to her doctors and therapist, and as she put it, she's 32 years old and she'll decide when she needs to go. I told her what's more important going back home or to marriage counceling and she said going back home. 
Last night we got into it again about him and she told me she's known him alot longer than me and she won't cut him out of her life no matter what I say. She just does'nt get the FACT that she cheated on me with him emotionally, I am right, right? You tell another man you love him, and you want him back and discuss with him if you would be able to take the kids and live with him. Telling me I don't know what I want, I love both of you, I'm confused, but the biggest heart stab is telling me she told him I love you, I consider that cheating with my heart not sexual. She immediatly got MAD said I called her a cheater and I implied she was a *****, I said no, you cheated on me emotionally, what part of that do you not understand?? You can't even promise me it won't happen again, and she said no I won't promise you that. 
She said the only reason he is not talking to her is because he does'nt want her to lose the kids in fear I'll take them from her, not because it's the right thing to do for our marriage, I guess I gave him to much credit. 
She said I smother her to much, and tell her to often I love her, and I tell her I to much I miss her. I texted her to much and called her to much last time she was in. I told her I felt it was a competion because she was with him there, eating dinner with him every night. Part of me just wants to give up and say the hell with it, it's not worth it. But I know she needs help, but according to her I've been a parent, not a husband. Telling her she needs medical help and to not talk to him, that I am controlling. That all the times we had an arguement, I've been pushing her, when I was trying to talk things out with her. 
She's been lying to me alot lately, last time she went home and made up her mind to come back home, she was so in love with me and happy when she got back, but now she's telling me I just came home because you made me feel guilty, I wasn't ready to come home. So now she says I smoother her with love, fine, we'll try the other side of the spectrum and I won't tell her that, and I won't do things for her as I always do, and most of all I won't call her when she goes home, maybe she'll miss me if I don't speak to her, 
That is true, she would have already left if she thought it would be better with him and his lifestyle. She's mad because I started seeing her therapist, who is also a marriage counceler, and after what I told her how she tells me stuff to hurt me such as yeah I slept with him or you are not the man he is, or he knows me better than you, she said it's all mental abuse, now she tells me why do you want to be with an abuser, well honey because you need help, well I don't want help she says. 
I'm just so damn lost and confused, started taking my zoloft again (had it presribed last time we went through this with him)


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

You do smother her. We've told you to stop it. So stop it. 

She's a liar all the way around. She'll say anything to justify her position, whatever it is at the time. Don't fall for her nonsense.

I've been thinkign about this PTSD suggestion and I don't buy it. Yes, she does need help, but I don't buy that it is PTSD. I think she needs some tough love because she's never grown up or past what has happened in her life. She's 32 and she should darn well know that other people don't behave like she does and doesn't put people through what she puts them through. She uses everyone -- him, his parents and you. She takes no personal responsibility.

OTOH, I wonder if she blames herself for his drinking. How much does she blame herself for the child's death? Is there any reason she *should* blame herself? It would make sense if she believes that she owes this guy for wrecking their family and him and because of this, cannot allow herself to be happy with you. She could be self-punishing.

Regardless, the bottom line is that you can't fix her. And she doesn't want to acknowledge that she's broken. So the only thing you can do is to stop playing the game. You know all the rules and you can predict how it will go if you continue to play. You may get her to stay with you, but at what cost to you and your children? Is having her like this really that important to you? Won't it wreck your mental health? Don't you have needs that if they remain unmet, will eventually cripple your ability to care for your children?

No amount of coddling has helped this woman. So you MUST take a different approach. If you don't, it is shame on you. You have been down this road too many times before. So get off the freaking road or become road kill, once again.


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

I agree with Dobo. She needs to hit her own personal bottom before she will ever see she needs to change. Until then, you are just a casuality...


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## alabama09 (Sep 23, 2009)

Thank you DOBO and Mommybean, I know she has to hit rock bottom, I thought when she tried to kill herself at the beginning of the year that would have did it, and it did as she got the counceling and help she needed. Before then she swore up and down she did not or want any help. 
I acknowledge I smother her, and I have stopped, last night I did my own thing, and today I plan on doing something else, she says I tell her I love her and miss her to much. 
Well as far as effecting me, I'm back on Zoloft and I see her (our) therapist. 
I'm going to let her go back home, have time away, not talk to her so much and let her miss me for a change. But until we go to marriage counceling together, he is always going to be the top reason for what's wrong with us, and as long as she is angry with me over him not talk to her, we are going to have problems. She knows that I spoil her and care about her, but sometimes I think she takes that for granted.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

She doesn't take it for granted. She doesn't respect you because you do it even though she doesn't deserve it. She feels bad about herself and she thinks you are a fool.


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## Wammy (Sep 30, 2009)

dobo said:


> I think that she is using this man. Think about what she's done to him AND you! He's been a yo-yo. Whenever she feels the need, she runs back to him and gets her ego stroked or whatever, and feels a pull toward him, and then when she has to choose, she chooses you.
> 
> Why do EITHER of you put up with it? She is making fools of both of you and you're allowing it because you love her.
> 
> ...



This is right on the money. Dobo has stated it in the MOST direct and best way that this situation could be explained.

I'd also like to add, that she is displaying emotional behaviors equal to a person that is strung out on meth, or other harsh drugs. Is it possible she is a druggie? Before you jump the gun and declare "NO"... think about a few signs to drug use. Atleast research what "drug abuse" looks like. Use the link if you want to see some the signs.

10 Warnings Signs of Drug Abuse - Signs and Symptoms of Drug Abuse From Phoenix House


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

YES. Read the post below. Stop rewarding totally screwed up behavior. Stop worrying about a drunk ex. HE is not the problem. YOU and your insecurities are the problem. 





dobo said:


> She doesn't take it for granted. She doesn't respect you because you do it even though she doesn't deserve it. She feels bad about herself and she thinks you are a fool.


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## Patty (Sep 29, 2009)

I agree with the above. She is now living a double life "ping ponging" with two husbands. I've done this myself and it is terrible for everyone involved. For me, I had one "husband" who had my heart and one who had my life and my children, and eventually, my heart won and I divorced and remarried my love, which was absolutely the more difficult but the right choice. Take some time alone with this. Ask yourself deep down if she loves you, if no, then you need to let her go, as love has to go both ways to be good for you. This, as it is, is not sustainable and you deserve better. And she may never have the guts to choose for herself.


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