# Help with broken marriage



## iwantmoore (Jun 28, 2013)

My wife and I have been married a little under 2 years. We've had our ups and downs like any relationship. And we had past relationships that definitely brought baggage into our relationship. Neither one of us had a good model for a marriage, although I do know what a good marriage should look like. 

After the birth of our child, stresses from our change as well as increased stresses at both of our jobs began to unravel our relationship. She withdrew from me, which hurt me deeply. When she would talk to me, it was usually cold, rude, angry or critical. She stopped taking care of me or being good to me. Because of the rejections, I began to shut down. I ended up on medication because I couldn't sleep and had a lot of anxiety and depression creeping in. 

We've been seeing a counselor for a few months. In therapy, she is sweet and tells me that she's not doing anything to reject me and that I'm thinking the worst of her. When we are home, she finds any reason to not spend time together. I try to do what our therapist tells us to try. She doesn't. 

She tells me she doesn't feel comfortable around me because I won't connect with her the way she needs. When I try to do exactly that, she pushes me away. When things appear to be getting better, she withdraws and ruins any chance of progress. I get hurt and frustrated by the constant rollercoaster and drama that I'm having to deal with.

I can't share a bed with her because I won't be able to relax or sleep even taking medication. So I'm forced to sleep elsewhere for my health and sanity. She puts all of our problems on me and refuses to take any responsibility for not responding to me doing what she asks. 

I'm at a total loss in how to talk to her. I feel like she's not capable of having a rational an cooperative discussion. She says she reaches out to me but she doesn't. She justifies everything she does and I'm left holding the bag.

I try to do right by her and not retaliate. I do my best to be loving and take care of her in spite of her absolutely clinical and horrible treatment. I don't want to divorce and I still love her. I have no idea how to make things better when nothing I do is getting a positive response. 


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Your post says she puts everything on you but your entire post put everything on her.

Since you're here I'll ask you: what could you be doing better? Are you doing your part with the baby?

Do you both work? What does the division of labor look like?

How often do you two go out and have fun together?


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## Robbie1234 (Feb 8, 2017)

iwantmoore said:


> My wife and I have been married a little under 2 years. We've had our ups and downs like any relationship. And we had past relationships that definitely brought baggage into our relationship. Neither one of us had a good model for a marriage, although I do know what a good marriage should look like.
> 
> After the birth of our child, stresses from our change as well as increased stresses at both of our jobs began to unravel our relationship. She withdrew from me, which hurt me deeply. When she would talk to me, it was usually cold, rude, angry or critical. She stopped taking care of me or being good to me. Because of the rejections, I began to shut down. I ended up on medication because I couldn't sleep and had a lot of anxiety and depression creeping in.
> 
> ...


It seems like you were tricked into marrying her and now she has you she is showing her true colours.I would leave her.


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## DepressedHusband (Apr 22, 2011)

iwantmoore said:


> My wife and I have been married a little under 2 years. We've had our ups and downs like any relationship. And we had past relationships that definitely brought baggage into our relationship. Neither one of us had a good model for a marriage, although I do know what a good marriage should look like.
> 
> After the birth of our child, stresses from our change as well as increased stresses at both of our jobs began to unravel our relationship. She withdrew from me, which hurt me deeply. When she would talk to me, it was usually cold, rude, angry or critical. She stopped taking care of me or being good to me. Because of the rejections, I began to shut down. I ended up on medication because I couldn't sleep and had a lot of anxiety and depression creeping in.
> 
> ...


read the man up thread.


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## MovingFrwrd (Dec 22, 2015)

Are you a christian couple? If so, I highly recommend Andy Stanley's marriage series. I believe you can find them on youtube, one of them is titled iMarriage (3 part series) and another is called Staying in Love. Heck, even if you're not a christian, the theories that he discusses are applicable to marriage. My wife and I have watched both of these, and they were both very good. His delivery is very fast, but he does a great job of making his points and even bringing some humor into his presentation.

It would be a good thing to do together as a couple.


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## MovingFrwrd (Dec 22, 2015)

Here's the first installment of his iMarriage series. A very good introduction - if you like it, look for the other installments on youtube.







And here is the first installment of Staying in Love.


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## DepressedHusband (Apr 22, 2011)

Don't bother with all that christian bull****, read the man up thread.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I've experienced the same things. You try to talk to her, you get nothing, you ask how things can be better, you get nothing. Yet, she says she does all the right things when other ask and she lies to your therapist. The next will be that she withdraws from all household duties, cooking and then all the sex will go. I think she's trying to get you to file so she can cash in.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old is the baby?

When did her change in behavior start?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Could you explain more about why you cannot sleep in the same bed with her?


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

What were you and her's childhood like growing up?

110% savable.... but you BOTH need to open up. Built up resentment will poison ANY

M. When she acts sweet and innocent with MC, what do you do? Do you call her on it?

Maybe you need another MC. Until BOTH your cards are on the table, BOTH will spin their wheels.

There is a good chance BOTH of you are saying to yourself 'WTH does s/he want if I'm not told'

I would recommend a "sit down" but it appears you are far past that level and need a MC.


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## iwantmoore (Jun 28, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> Your post says she puts everything on you but your entire post put everything on her.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Let's see...I pick up the kids every day, cook dinner , bathe the baby, make lunches, do all the daily chores, get her coffee and give her space to wind down when she gets home. She works late most days. I give her flowers, notes, try to talk to her and not ride her ass like she rides mine. I'm not saying I'm perfect. I shut down and I get frustrated and leave the bedroom when she ignores me. I do that for my own health and sanity. 


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## iwantmoore (Jun 28, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> How old is the baby?
> 
> 
> 
> When did her change in behavior start?




A few weeks after our baby was born. I have suspected she may be suffering with ppd but I can't have a simple conversation with her, so no way I can talk to her about her mental state.


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## iwantmoore (Jun 28, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Could you explain more about why you cannot sleep in the same bed with her?




I can't sleep in the same bed because she sits there, ignores me and accuses me of being controlling when I want us to spend time together like we used to. If we have a conversation, she finds a reason to cut me off. She won't look at me or give me her undivided attention. She rolls over and goes to sleep. I can't sleep so eventually Ieave so I can. 


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## iwantmoore (Jun 28, 2013)

Chuck71 said:


> What were you and her's childhood like growing up?
> 
> 110% savable.... but you BOTH need to open up. Built up resentment will poison ANY
> 
> ...




I agree. It goes against my feelings to open up and try but I do. She accuses me of throwing her under the bus and attacking her in therapy because I don't confront her every time. I don't talk to her about it outside therapy because our fights are horrible and unproductive. I'm frustrated for her saying she wants things to be better, denying in one breath she's doing anything wrong. And the next telling me she doesn't want to open up to me. Like I do either but I do anyways because I know it's what we need to do. 


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

iwantmoore said:


> A few weeks after our baby was born. I have suspected she may be suffering with ppd but I can't have a simple conversation with her, so no way I can talk to her about her mental state.


How old is your baby?

Does she have extended family and friends? Have any of them noticed her acting out?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

OK, I asked you why you cannot sleep in the same bed with her?



iwantmoore said:


> I can't sleep in the same bed because she sits there, ignores me and accuses me of being controlling when I want us to spend time together like we used to.


Does 'spend time together' = sex?



iwantmoore said:


> If we have a conversation, she finds a reason to cut me off.


I you are trying to sleep, why would you be having a conversation with her?



iwantmoore said:


> She won't look at me or give me her undivided attention.


Why do you need for her to look at you and give you undivided attention when you are trying to sleep?



iwantmoore said:


> She rolls over and goes to sleep. I can't sleep so eventually Ieave so I can.


Why can't you go to sleep when she's rolled over and gone to sleep?


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

MovingFrwrd said:


> Are you a christian couple? If so, I highly recommend Andy Stanley's marriage series. I believe you can find them on youtube, one of them is titled iMarriage (3 part series) and another is called Staying in Love. Heck, even if you're not a christian, the theories that he discusses are applicable to marriage. My wife and I have watched both of these, and they were both very good. His delivery is very fast, but he does a great job of making his points and even bringing some humor into his presentation.
> 
> It would be a good thing to do together as a couple.


I watched a few minutes. I think that the Andy Stanley marriage series might be more for couples who are both amenable to making an already good marriage better.


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## MovingFrwrd (Dec 22, 2015)

DepressedHusband said:


> Don't bother with all that christian bull****, read the man up thread.


Could you provide the link to the man up thread to help him out?


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## MovingFrwrd (Dec 22, 2015)

Steve1000 said:


> I watched a few minutes. I think that the Andy Stanley marriage series might be more for couples who are both amenable to making an already good marriage better.


True - it's not the best for a marriage in crisis, and it requires both spouses to be working for the betterment of the marriage. A qualified marriage counselor would probably be a better option.

I there are a lot of ideas within the video series that shows ways to make a marriage work. If both spouses commit to each other and improving their marriage.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> OK, I asked you why you cannot sleep in the same bed with her?
> 
> 
> 
> ...



All excellent questions that would be very helpful of have answered.


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## iwantmoore (Jun 28, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> OK, I asked you why you cannot sleep in the same bed with her?
> 
> 
> 
> ...



I can't sleep because I am neglected in every way, emotionally and physically on a daily basis. 

Our bedroom is where we spend evening after the kids go to bed. So that's where we used to have conversations, hang out, watch tv etc. She used to turn her body towards me and make eye contact and be physically close. Now she's turned away, won't look at me and as far as she can manage to be separated in bed. Our bedroom and bed used to be the best seat in the house. Now it's a cold, heartless place I can't handle to be in. If I stay I won't sleep more than an hour or 2 a night. And we don't have sex. That was never a problem before. And yes, as a man with a healthy sex drive, I need physical touch as well as sex. 




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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

iwantmoore said:


> I agree. It goes against my feelings to open up and try but I do. She accuses me of throwing her under the bus and attacking her in therapy because I don't confront her every time. I don't talk to her about it outside therapy because our fights are horrible and unproductive. I'm frustrated for her saying she wants things to be better, denying in one breath she's doing anything wrong. And the next telling me she doesn't want to open up to me. Like I do either but I do anyways because I know it's what we need to do.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


Again..... what were you and her childhood's like?


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## iwantmoore (Jun 28, 2013)

Chuck71 said:


> Again..... what were you and her childhood's like?




Both of had parents divorce. She when she was little. Mine as a teenager. We've both been divorced as well and have children from previous marriages. Our blended family is about as perfect as you can get. I treat her child as if she were my own and my daughter is grown. 

Her mom and mine remarried. 

I had good examples of family life so I know how things should be. I don't think she did at all. 


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

How did her 1st divorce unfold? Any similarities to how this one is going? How did your 1st divorce

go? Was it amicable or were there bitterness? Do you think the two of you may be caught in a cycle

of "disposable marriages?" This ain't fun no more, let's D and marry someone else.

Do you both work? Who does the household chores? Who does the outside upkeep 

(mowing, trimming, planting flowers)? Do you and her get out WITHOUT the kids at least

once a week or take a mini weekend trip maybe once every 4-6 weeks?

Somewhere along the line she decided you are not meeting one or more of her needs.

Somewhere along the line you decided she is not meeting one or more of your needs.

You don't know this unless you communicate. This is critical. Who so?

Exactly what killed my 15 year M...... and it was BOTH our faults. I was just as guilty as she was.

If you can't sit down and talk without "shutting down," you need a MC, an experienced MC.

I might add, a MC that is pro-marriage. Some MCs are actually pro-divorce.... yeah, only in America!


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## iwantmoore (Jun 28, 2013)

Chuck71 said:


> How did her 1st divorce unfold? Any similarities to how this one is going? How did your 1st divorce
> 
> go? Was it amicable or were there bitterness? Do you think the two of you may be caught in a cycle
> 
> ...




I kind of answered all of these minus the divorce reasons. My ex didn't want children and she was mentally unstable. Her ex was dishonest, cheated on her and was always trying to get back with his ex which he did once they broke up. 


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## iwantmoore (Jun 28, 2013)

Apparently I'm not going to get some good ideas how I can improve the situation


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## Grapes (Oct 21, 2016)

You have gotten good ideas. Your just not listening.

Did you read anything suggested? You sound like a clingy needy MESS. Do you think that is attractive?

Go read Married Man Sex Life Primer and start MAP'n.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

iwantmoore said:


> Apparently I'm not going to get some good ideas how I can improve the situation
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


Okay.... you'sa gots this covered!


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

You need to garner the strength to talk to her about possible PPD. I think first and foremost, you need to address that.


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## iwantmoore (Jun 28, 2013)

Hard to talk to someone who refuses to make time and talk to you


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

iwantmoore said:


> Hard to talk to someone who refuses to make time and talk to you
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


It is even harder to talk to somebody when they won't shift out of victim mode long enough to listen to sound advice when it is given.

Every post you make which demonstrates a lack of patience, an unwillingness to listen, and lashes out at what are very good posters reduces your credibility.

Perhaps there are sound reasons for your wife to shut you out.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

You need to take a breath and calm down. It's obvious you have anger issues and I could understand why she doesn't feel comfortable opening up to you.

You say she doesn't take responsibility, do you? What would she say the issues are if she were on here. 

Sleep with your freakin wife. Get over the fact that she is mad at you and won't look at you. Your place is in bed next to her whether she is mad or not. 


Here are my suggestions even though you probably won't take them: bite your tongue. Just be there with her. Sleep her with everyday. Don't force her to talk. Tensions are obviously too high right now that they won't end up well. Don't show that your mad. She doesn't trust you and she doesn't feel safe with you probably because you get angry and frustrated too easily and you leave her. Do that for a while, let her soften up. I am not saying be passive aggressive, I'm not saying give her the silent treatment. I'm just saying, be normal, non talkative, nice. If she wants to talk, she will come to you. Don't force a conversation on her. Her her come to you, while you continue to be nice, and sleep with her every night. Let her behavior roll of your shoulders. Don't get frustrated. She might try to get a rise out of you, don't let it.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

So here is your post from 2014... 



iwantmoore said:


> I'm not sure the wife will like what I have to say if she concentrates on the sultry details of the affair instead of what led a truly faithful and honest man until this point to bite. I do not consider either of us innocent nor excuse my choice to put the cart before the horse...




So you cheated on your ex-wife. from reading your previous posts... it sounds like you are saying your current wife is neglecting you just like your ex wife did. I guess you realized the grass isn't greener on the other side. It's greener where you water it.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Please tell me you didn't marry the "OW."


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Let me summarize: So you had a child with a women, and it didn't work out. You got a vasectomy. You got married to another women who also didn't want kids. She neglected you. You cheated on her with another women who was divorced with kids. You decide you are dying to have kids. Your wife wasn't. You get divorced. Within 3 years of your divorce you are remarried (almost 2 years in) had a child with your new wife who had kids from a previous marriage where she was cheated on. And are having the same problems as your first marriage, being neglected and treated poorly... wow. 


So now you have 2 kids with 2 different women, and step kids. A second wife who has kids with another man, who was cheated on and probably has trust issues, but you cheated on your first wife with her... and YOU call your ex wife mentally unstable because she didn't want to have kids with you. You had a vasectomy, you reversed your vasectomy, and this was all done and your still in your 30s. 

Do you know how insane that is? You need to relax. Take it slow. Stop getting so angry. Make this marriage work.


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