# Emotional affair baggage



## learnedlesson (Jan 6, 2012)

Two years ago I engaged in an emotional affair with a subordinate co worker. There was no sex involved but the emotional aspect was very real and powerful. This man everyday at told me all the time how beautiful and wonderful I was, how special I was, and gave me attention that my husband doesn't always give. The man is married and he and his wife shared a strong emotional bond that I was jealous of and wished my marriage had. Through a series of investigation at work, our emotional affair came to light and I almost lost my job. My husband is aware of this because I was on a suspension for three days and I recieved a final warning. If I ever make another mistake at work again I will lose my career. When the affair came to light at work, both the man and I were transferred to different departments and I cut off all contact with him. He tried to contact me several times through work which I immediately reported to human resources and heard that if he contacts me again he would be discharged. I have not seen or spoken with him now in two years. This has been difficult, as there are days and times that I miss him and think of him, but I figure that is my own pain to deal with as I am the one who brought this mess to myself.
Yes, I know I am the bad person. But I am thankful this happened because it has opened my eyes to see how wonderful my life really is and how much my husband loves me and that what we have is special. I am more fully committed to my marriage and life with him now than I was the day we married.
My husband does not fully know the extent of the emotional affair as I did not disclose it all to him. I was afraid he would leave me, and I did not want to hurt him and figured it was my problem to fix and deal with. He does not know that this man and I discussed leaving our spouses for each other and starting a new life together. 
Two years later, I wonder did I do the right thing? Should I tell my husband the full extent of the emotions and the heartache I went through to cut this man out of my life? Should I have let my husband have the choice to leave me? 
Next year will be our 10 yr wedding anniversary. My husband wants to have a party and celebrate this milestone. And I am secretly afraid to because several co workers are aware of the affair and I feel I have put the whole thing behind me but co workers have not.But on the other hand, I feel we really have something to celebrate because we are still together.
Am so unsure of my direction.......and afraid I have handled these two years wrong......anyone have any advice?


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## IfIwasYourVampire (Jan 5, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I'm a few months out from my D-Day. MY wife still doesn't want to know the details my PA and I discussed. She says it doesn't matter.

Has he ever asked if there's more? If so, did you lie and say "No" to not hurt him more?


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## IfIwasYourVampire (Jan 5, 2012)

If you really love your husband you have to tell him, trust and comunication are important, but make sure to tell him that you love him and want to be with him (if thats the case), he needs to understand that some feelings we cant control...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

_My husband wants to have a party and celebrate this milestone. And I am secretly afraid to because several co workers are aware of the affair and I feel I have put the whole thing behind me but co workers have not_

I don't underestand the relevance here about your co-workers and the party... What is the connection? Are the co-workers going to be at the anniversary party?

Why do you still work with the man you had an affair with??? Why did you not leave? Do you still work together?

Do you want to tell your husband everything?


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## learnedlesson (Jan 6, 2012)

No he has never asked, nor does he even want to talk about it. He once said that everyone has bad times and we wouldn't be normal if we didn't have our share. He blames everything on the other man and believes he was a manipulator and emotionally unstable. Once when we were remodeling our bathroom the other man came over to help with some physical lifting and my husband told me that he noticed then the other man was engaging him in a silent competition of who could haul out the most and heaviest debris into the dumpster. My husband told me that he knew then that this man was interested in me because of the way he was acting, but that he didn't bring it to my attention because he assumed I had it under control. This incident occured before the affair began, as this was when we were in the 'friendship' phase.


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## learnedlesson (Jan 6, 2012)

The man and I work for the same company still but in seperate towns in seperate physical locations. I have heard news of him through grapevine gossip at work. Yes, many of my co workers and boss would be at the party. 
Part of me wants to tell my husband everything because I feel he has a right to know, but another part feels that since its been two years that I would just be hurting him more and 'forcing' his forgiveness since it happened two years ago. He is aware there was something going on, but he is unaware that this other man and I were making plans to leave each others spouses for each other.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Why not disinvite your coworkers and boss? It could be really tough for your husband knowing those people know about the affair. That's my opinion on the party. It shoudl be a total celebration, not a day of worry.

Regarding what you told your husband and what he needs to know. Look, he knows you had an EA, knows it was serious. What else does he really need to know? And frankly, he probably has filled in those blanks himself. If I'm you, I table that. Your H even said he doesn't want to know any more, so respect his wishes and don't worry about it. What's done is done, he knows you had the affair. Relax. Now, if you had gone physical with this guy and hadn't told your husband, that would be a different story.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I'm probably going to get slammed here for saying this, but my wife doesn't want to hear any more details either. I'm willing to share them, but she doesn't want to hear it. So I'm going to suggest that you comply with his wishes to put it all behind you and move on. Let it go.

You'll notice my board name is HerToo. This is because on my d-day, I learned that my wife kissed a man while she was at a friends wedding far from home about 8 years ago. I don't care to know more. I even think it went to a PA. But for some reason it doesn't matter. The result is the same, my marriage is in trouble and we are working on it. Perhaps your husband did the same and never told you. Just a thought.

He's forgiven you, and wants you.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Holy Hell, HerToo, is that the first time you've revealed that? I don't recall ever hearing this on your threads before. That really changes just about every piece of advice or commentary I've ever given you. Others likely too. Geez.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I had revealed that early on. She said "He kissed me". Yeah, I know.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

learnedlesson said:


> Once when we were remodeling our bathroom the other man came over to help with some physical lifting and my husband told me that he noticed then the other man was engaging him in a silent competition of who could haul out the most and heaviest debris into the dumpster. My husband told me that he knew then that this man was interested in me because of the way he was acting,


Oh wow. What was the OM doing at your HOUSE???? Meaning, did he go there often?



Gabriel said:


> Why not disinvite your coworkers and boss?


ITA :iagree:



HerToo said:


> I'm probably going to get slammed here for saying this, but my wife doesn't want to hear any more details either. I'm willing to share them, but she doesn't want to hear it. So I'm going to suggest that you comply with his wishes to put it all behind you and move on. Let it go.


I agree with this. If her husband told her he doesn't want to know anything else, she needs to respect his wishes. It's the least she can do.


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## learnedlesson (Jan 6, 2012)

Yes he was at our house many times and I was at his. We were friends first for over a year until at a halloween party he and I played a game of "what if". If I had to pinpoint a moment when the affair began this would be it. Every year he and his wife hosted a huge halloween party and everyone would be there dressed to the tee in costumes. My husband refused to go because he didn't like to dress up and felt the whole thing was corny. It was late and the party was dying down and we played "what if" when you think of funny situtations and what you would do in them. Like, "what if" you won the lottery, what would you do? The game or discussion whatever you would call it, began innocently enough with questions of "what if" you woke up and you were the only person on earth, "what if" there was a zombie apocolyspse. The the man asked me "what if" my husband and his wife were gone, would we be more than friends? Which he then confessed to having deep feelings for me. And that is when it all began and I entered "the fog". He began to compliment me consistantly, on my looks, how I handled my job, my personality traits, how attractive I am, how my blue eyes pierce his soul. Looking back and remembering I have to say I am so embarressed and shameful that I fell into this at all. But all I saw at the time was a man who worshipped me and gave me the emotional attention that I was craving and a husband who didn't want to dress up and attend a halloween party. Over the next month he professed that I am the only person who could withstand his emotional intimacy and that not even his wife could handle it. 
This went on only for three weeks until the investigation at work came to light a week and a half before thanksgiving. When I was in it, I knew it was wrong. I knew that even if we both left our spouses like we discussed that he and I's relationship would not last. But I couldn't shake myself out of it. The attention just felt so good.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

The fact that your spouses were all friends and you'd hang at eachothers' houses makes this affair worse, IMO--it's a double betrayal in the worst way.

Affairs really do give you a "high" feeling as you described at the end of your post. That is when they end and reality sets in, it's a huge wake up call.

Why were you being investigated at work? Did someone report you to HR?


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## learnedlesson (Jan 6, 2012)

Yes, some of the other subordinates noticed and our behavior at work when I was approached by my boss and HR I confessed the entire story. Frankly, I was relieved to tell the story and get it off of me. HR promised confidentiality but I am sure that many people have put two and two together. I mean, we both got suspensions and transfers to different towns, that is pretty obvious something happened. 
I do want to be more clear on the friends item, my husband never went to their house or met OM's wife. They were more my friends than his. When everything came out, the OM's wife came to my home and engaged me in a verbal arguement because the OM had told her everything. I let her vent and scream at me, cause I deserved it and I felt she deserved to be heard. I told her that I was sorry for causing her pain and I promised her that I would not ever have any contact with her husband in any way shape or form. 6 months after that her husband did contact me at work and sent me a letter and flowers about how he missed me and loved me "as a friend" and that he had her permission to be my friend again. I reported this to HR and gave them the letter he sent which they took care of. I heard through a mutual co worker that he was extremely angry at me for reporting him to HR and that what I did was wrong and it was my fault he almost lost his job. The mutual co worker is angry with me as well and does not speak to me now either for getting him in more trouble at work. I have to say, it was sooooo tempting to pick up where we were and be friends again. The thought of seeing him again threw me into an emotional set back where I was thinking of him again and missing him.
I am so proud of myself that I did resist, as it proved further to me that I truely have learned my lesson and will not ever let anything harm my husband and marriage again. 
Although the work atmosphere is hard to deal with.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

learnedlesson said:


> Although the work atmosphere is hard to deal with.


Um, so WHY would you have them be at your 10 year wedding anniversary party? I just don't understand it. Talk about ruining the spirit of the party.

Your husband has forgiven you, it seems. This party must be sort of a "we got through it" celebration. So why on earth would you bring work people to this when they likely know about the affair. Bad. Idea. Jeans.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

learnedlesson said:


> This man everyday at told me all the time how beautiful and wonderful I was, how special I was, and gave me attention that my husband doesn't always give.


I wanted to make a commit on this for lurkers who may be in an A or thinking about it and using something like this to justify it.

Of course the OM is saying things you H wasn't, he was COURTING you. Your H wasn't courting you because he already got you (married). I think many people mistaken this courting as something missing in their relationships and not understanding that this is just a temporary ritual to get your affection.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Gabriel said:


> Um, so WHY would you have them be at your 10 year wedding anniversary party? I just don't understand it. Talk about ruining the spirit of the party.


:iagree:


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## skip76 (Aug 30, 2011)

so you expect your husband to celebrate an anniversary for a marriage that he has no idea how close he was to losing it. i for one could never not want to know. i wish to live my life in the know and make decisions accordingly. i dont want to die realizing my life was one big sham i didn't know anything about. this reminds me of when people renew their vows after recovering from infidelity. i see that as a complete farse.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

skip76 said:


> this reminds me of when people renew their vows after recovering from infidelity. i see that as a complete farse.


Why? If full transparency has taken place and both people are fully committed to moving forward in a new, sometimes even better marriage, how is that a farce?


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

The bottom line here is that you had an EA with a co-worker. 

Then you got busted and paid the price at work.

You say that your husband knows about your emotional attachment to the OM.

You have offered him details and he has told you that he does not need to know.

If all of the above is correct - then your husband has told you what he needs - drop it.

But you might want to tell him that you would be uncomfortable having the party and tell him why. Maybe you can suggest that you and he take the money and go on a romantic week-end some place and concentrate on each other instead of worrying about other people.


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

Forget the co-workers. It is not about them. You are celebrating your marriage and making it through to this point. If your co-workers have not put it behind them, then they should not be invited. You can't not have this because of what the co-workers knew two years ago. People love holding on to the past. The forget that great promotion, that big donation, the help they got with work. They always hold on to the negative things and use that as a reason to continue to point a finger. None of us are perfect and no marriage is perfect for that matter..................


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

skip76 said:


> so you expect your husband to celebrate an anniversary for a marriage that he has no idea how close he was to losing it. i for one could never not want to know. i wish to live my life in the know and make decisions accordingly. i dont want to die realizing my life was one big sham i didn't know anything about. this reminds me of when people renew their vows after recovering from infidelity. i see that as a complete farse.





Gabriel said:


> Why? If full transparency has taken place and both people are fully committed to moving forward in a new, sometimes even better marriage, how is that a farce?


I agree. yes, why


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## Saki (Dec 7, 2011)

The question that comes to my mind....

Why are you here discussing this with us instead of discussing it with your husband??? :scratchhead:


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Are you skipping some part of the story? Was there no physical intimacy at all(kissing)? It is hard (for me) to believe that the staff complained and the HR suspended you just for emotional intimacy.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

If the roles were reversed wouldn't you want to have known the full truth? Sorry but you are still in damage control and seemingly have no problem manipulating and downplaying the situation to your advantage. The bottom line is that you are still playing your husband for a fool and rationalizing everything to not tell him the full truth. Why don't you admit it that you simply do not wish to suffer from the consequences of your actions. It is still just all about you.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

learnedlesson said:


> Two years ago I engaged in an emotional affair with a subordinate co worker. There was no sex involved but the emotional aspect was very real and powerful. This man everyday at told me all the time how beautiful and wonderful I was, how special I was, and gave me attention that my husband doesn't always give. The man is married and he and his wife shared a strong emotional bond that I was jealous of and wished my marriage had. Through a series of investigation at work, our emotional affair came to light and I almost lost my job. My husband is aware of this because I was on a suspension for three days and I recieved a final warning. If I ever make another mistake at work again I will lose my career. When the affair came to light at work, both the man and I were transferred to different departments and I cut off all contact with him. He tried to contact me several times through work which I immediately reported to human resources and heard that if he contacts me again he would be discharged. I have not seen or spoken with him now in two years. *This has been difficult, as there are days and times that I miss him and think of him*, but I figure that is my own pain to deal with as I am the one who brought this mess to myself.
> Yes, I know I am the bad person. But I am thankful this happened because it has opened my eyes to see how wonderful my life really is and how much my husband loves me and that what we have is special. I am more fully committed to my marriage and life with him now than I was the day we married.
> My husband does not fully know the extent of the emotional affair as I did not disclose it all to him. I was afraid he would leave me, and I did not want to hurt him and figured it was my problem to fix and deal with. He does not know that this man and I discussed leaving our spouses for each other and starting a new life together.
> Two years later, I wonder did I do the right thing? Should I tell my husband the full extent of the emotions and the heartache I went through to cut this man out of my life? Should I have let my husband have the choice to leave me?
> ...



Good grief.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

HerToo said:


> I'm a few months out from my D-Day. MY wife still doesn't want to know the details my PA and I discussed. *She says it doesn't matter.*
> 
> Has he ever asked if there's more? If so, did you lie and say "No" to not hurt him more?


For me it matters. I want to know whether my guy is treating *me* as well or better than he treated her. Both in emotional and the material sense. I certainly don't want to know later on that he got off cheap with me.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Sounds like you're worried something more damaging could be revealed by your co-workers on your anniversary.After 2 years you still have an emotional connect with the OM,however tenuous.Why?Do you have regrets about losing him or hopes of some future scenario where he can be part of your life again?

Hope you sort things out.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

TBT said:


> Sounds like you're worried something more damaging could be revealed by your co-workers on your anniversary.After 2 years you still have an emotional connect with the OM,however tenuous.Why?Do you have regrets about losing him or hopes of some future scenario where he can be part of your life again?
> 
> Hope you sort things out.


I really don't see why you need to celebrate the anniversary of D- Day (in this context.....not the WWII D-Day.). Usually, people celebrate the end of a war not the beginning, But to pre-empt a few, I know that there is some observance on the bombing of pearl Harbor.

In our traditions, we celebrate their b-days, not the day they died. 

Why don't you celebrate the day on which you finally felt that the relationship had some hope for a future?


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## ducksauce (Nov 24, 2011)

cancel it and spend the time with each other over a romantic dinner.


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## Romeo_Holden (Sep 17, 2011)

ducksauce said:


> cancel it and spend the time with each other over a romantic dinner.


this^..... honestly I don't think you realise how egocentric the nature of your affair was. you only liked this other guy because he told you what you wanted to hear you don't know what would happen should the two of you actually try to have a real relationship after the honey moon phase is over. your affair isn't based on love it was based on ego. you better get your head out of your ass and do the right thing otherwise you will get exactly what you deserve.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

So you are in a very deep EA with your coworker and were planning to take it to a PA and leave your respective spouses. From what I can tell, your BH swept it under the rug, but two years later, you still think about OM and miss him. Your BH would probably leave you if he knew your TRUE feelings. This is why I always say if they are coworkers, then someone has to leave the job.

At least you're making a concious effort, but you're not fully committed 100% to your marriage. All it will take to reignite this affair is a lull in your marriage or his, because it's quite clear that its still smouldering. OM still wants it, and so do you. You're only controlling yourself right now.

I fully agree with bryanp, that you don't want to face the consequence of your actions. Because if you did, and you REALLY faced the end of your marriage, then your feelings for your OM should dry up. You're not being honest with him, and you justify it by saying he doesnt want to hear anymore about it. Thats only because he's in denial and rug sweeping. As long as this isnt resolved, you're going to continue to harbor feelings toward your OM. Because of this, your EA really isnt over in your mind, its just on the backburner right now.


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## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

Some things are better left unsaid.

Your husband probably knows but has chosen to let it go..you should also.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> Are you skipping some part of the story? Was there no physical intimacy at all(kissing)? It is hard (for me) to believe that the staff complained and the HR suspended you just for emotional intimacy.


I smell Trickle Truth here, just as she's been TT'ing her BH. I'm not seeing true remorse in this story, nor compassion for her BH's agony, because she's still hung up on OM for 2 years now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey LL----as has already been stated by others-----you really faced no consequences, in re: your cheating

Why would you have fond memories, of a scumbag cheater, who wanted very much to destroy your mge., and to, with your help, very deeply hurt an innocent man.

Sure you were able to find things you didn't like about your mge---you were deep into the boring, same old, same old stage----and neither of you tried to spice things up

Your H., didn't wanna go to parties, you were perfectly happy to go w/out him, and screw around on him

Your H., trusted you completely, and you sh*t on him---now he really doesn't want all the details, which shows he has his head in the sand---but you are also just sliding by, at this point

If you are gonna re-invent your vows---why do your co-workers have to be there----just do it for the family

Be very vigilant with yourself---that you do not slip again---as your mge., really does NOT seem to have much SERIOUS communication----and the two of you do not seem to be a couple, that wants each other and no one else---otherwise---you would be doing everything together in re: the social aspects of your mge.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

****The man is married and he and his wife shared a strong emotional bond that I was jealous of and wished my marriage had. ****

LessonLearned, how did you become aware of these aspects of OM's own marriage. 

But if he was having an EA with you, then how could he have that strong emotional bond that you assumed he had with his wife?


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