# I Destroyed my Marriage-Porn



## Fordsvt

Well now I've done it. The wife told me last night she has been watching my porn issue for almost 3 months closely. The sites I've been to, etc..... She wants out. Our sex life has been low for about 5 years. That's when it started for me. I don't watch it everyday. At times I go for weeks without it. But she has been monitoring it. She also thinks I was on POF to get sex. I wasn't, it was all fantasy. I never met anyone. She doesn't believe me.

I haven't been on POF in over a year. Not sure how she found all this stuff. I also have a shoe fetish. I was masturbating on her high heels and posting them to a website. She saw this too. I'm in deep here. She wants out of the marriage. I had no idea she was onto this. I feel so embarrassed and down. 

I told her I will go for professional help. I don't want to lose her. I've made a huge error here. I want the help and asked her to reconsider. We have been married for 17 years with 2 kids and we are in good financial shape. I wrecked all of this. I want to repair it. I've asked for forgiveness and consideration. I want to get help and get me on track again. 

Any ideas/suggestions would be welcome


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## nevergveup

Well,it is all up to your wife now.Actions speak louder than words.
If she is willing to give you one more chance,can you stop
using the internet?

How would you feel if she hid things from you?
If you are not prepared for a lot of hard work to change
maybe your better off divorced.

Sorry,if your wife does divorce you I can't blame her.
Your wife and family should never come second after
the internet porn.It is not real life,your wife is.


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## AgentD

I believe in 2nd chances, but not a 3rd or 4th chance and so on. Of course the 2nd chance depends on what it is too. 

If you truly feel you have made a mistake and are really willing to work on things, get help etc, then perhaps she will give you a 2nd chance. However, its something that you need to stop, period, not say you will stop to win her back only to pick it back up later on. I would suggest MC for you both and maybe IC for yourself as well.


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## Fordsvt

Yes I can stop. I know it's an issue. I don't even do it daily. We've had intimacy problems for a few years. That's how this started. I know I've done wrong. I want to repair it. I'm ready for hard work to make it happen. This is all on me here. I handled this all wrong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AgentD

Fordsvt said:


> Yes I can stop. I know it's an issue. I don't even do it daily. We've had intimacy problems for a few years. That's how this started. I know I've done wrong. I want to repair it. I'm ready for hard work to make it happen. This is all on me here. I handled this all wrong.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Have you all talked about the intimacy issues before? If so, how did that go? Are one of you high drive the other low drive? Does one not want to connect? Exactly what were/are the issues that you felt you needed to turn to porn?


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## Fordsvt

AgentD said:


> Have you all talked about the intimacy issues before? If so, how did that go? Are one of you high drive the other low drive? Does one not want to connect? Exactly what were/are the issues that you felt you needed to turn to porn?


Yes we have. I tried to talk about it many times. She caught me watching porn four years ago. She didn't make a big deal about it. But that is where it began. He sex drive has been low even before that. But she or us never did anything about it. Now with this time she wants out. She's lost her connection with me. She said she will always love me but she's not at the level to keep our marriage going. I doubt she will meet me half way here. I got the a speech of ILUINILWY anymore on sept 8th. We have been in MC since mid sept. It's helped. But now this one may finish it off
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Garry2012

Maybe I am going against the flow here, but for her to walk away, rather than try to understand why you are there is an issue for me. She is looking for a reason to leave. If she loved you, why wouldnt she see what she can do to have you stay off those sites. Granted, you would have to stop, but its all about communication and understanding. But for her to just say "im done withyou because you like porn" seems like a cop out.


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## Fordsvt

I think right now she is very hurt and heart broken. She may reconsider and give me time to get help. I hope so. It may be to late. Not sure at this point. As it is all so fresh.


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## Garry2012

I don't put it all on you. Sure you turned to porn, I hardly think that is a reason for divorce.....she is just using it as a reason...putting the blame on you so its not her fault. Porn can get in the way of a marriage if you think that's how life is and use it against your spouse. Dont think u did that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## richie33

Intimacy issues when did that begin? Are you initiating and getting turned away? 
I think you crossed the line when you took her personal property and masterbated on them.....and posted pictures.


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## now_awake

I just want to say to the guys out there, I understand and know that porn can be fine for a lot of couples. Most guys can watch it and not have it affect their relationships.

But there are some people (men and women) with addictive personalities that get caught up. Now that I know more about this, it's pretty easy to spot. Usually fetishes develop over the years and things spiral out of control. A sexless marriage is usually the biggest symptom or outcome of a marriage with this addiction in it. 

fordsvt, it's actually a blessing that your wife caught you. Now you can actually deal with the issue, if you choose to. I know with my H, this addiction has been hell for him. It didn't make him happy, it consumed him to the point of depression. If you truly have an addiction, it would have escalated over the years. My H almost started sleeping with the prostitutes. I have no doubt that he would have eventually if I didn't catch him. Unfortunately, for addicts, it can never be 'just porn'. Porn is the first step they use to try to control the addiction. My H also has other addictions...do you also? 

All you can do is work on yourself right now. Get in touch with your local sexaholics anonymous and see if there are any certified sex addiction therapists where you live. Doing these things will at least show your wife that you are serious about recovery. Also, maybe give her a few books by Barbara Steffens and Patrick Carnes. Or she could come here too, for support.


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## Convection

Okay. Based on your post over in Considering Divorce, there are a ton of other issues in your marriage, including her EA and lack of communication. Put that aside for the moment.

From the way you post this, your porn use comes off as both addictive and compulsive. If that's true, you need to find a way to break that cycle, for yourself. Counseling, healthy alternatives to compulsive behavior, and old-fashioned willpower all put together can get you through it. It's bad for you to be addicted to anything, as it affects your entire life.

Look, your wife can blame your porn use for everything wrong in the marriage but then she has her head in the sand. You can't do anything about that and you can't control her. What you can do is get yourself healthy. You owe it to you and your kids.

If nothing else, if/when she walks out the door, you will be better suited for whatever & whoever life brings next.


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## now_awake

Yikes, I hadn't read your other thread. Do you really want to reconcile with an unremorseful spouse? I would tell her you will work on your issues, but she also needs to work on hers. Sounds like she's trying to blameshift everything onto you.

If it helps with perspective: my H's EA has been much more painful than all the porn, webcams, fetishes, etc. How have you been dealing with your ww's affair? Are you both facing it and talking about it?


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## Fordsvt

Thanks for all the replies. Yes we have had sexless marriage for years. That's when my porn issue came on. I've always had a high heel shoe boot fetish. We are in MC now. Have only been dealing with her EA from aug 31 so far. She caught onto the porn shoe thing in the end of July. She says that's why the EA happened. Some a hole in a NYC bar paid attention to her. Said the right things and they started sexting. I caught it Oct 7 th. It was done. 

But during sept I knew something was up. So I started with the porn and lots. Nothing gross or crazy. I think it's an on off addiction. I haven't done anything with her shoes in a year. I also bought her two pairs of high heel bedroom shoes to spice things up. She rejected it. Said it made her feel inadequate she use to wear heels in bed for me often up until eight years ago. After our son was born her sex drive tanked. Not sure why. She did nothing either even when I asked. 

Do I have a problem. Yes I do. I will get help. But also I don't want to lose her. She will have a tough time on her own money wise. She makes about 30$k a year. Even if I give her $800-900 a month for support it will be tough. I asked her to reconsider leaving. She said she would. Yes we have some **** to work through. No I have no other addictions at all. None. I think she has some blame too. She so far does not see it like that. We are doing MC and I will be going for help too for the porn. I need to. Thanks to all for the comments. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nevergveup

I am sorry for putting most of the blame on you.
She had a EA and is taking the high road and putting all
the blame on you.How convenient for her.

So you asked her to wear high heels to bed to try
to spice up your love life with her?

She could have fulfilled this easily if she really wanted
to.

I wonder if there's more going on with your wife than
you know about.Problems in marriage are never and
excuse for a EA or PA.


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## Fordsvt

I think right now, there is a lot more going on with her than she sees or thinks. She has issues too inside. She is going alone to see our MC this week. I'm pretty sure that was her first EA. In any case, yes she's taking the high road for now.


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## Fordsvt

One thing I did not mention here or with the MC yet. My dad tried to commit suicide may of this year. It has had an effect on me to. Mental state for me has been affected too. All the more reason I need to get some professional help. It's been a tough year. Bought a new house in July. My dad. Now my wife threatening to leave. Wow what a year.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fordsvt

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fordsvt

Not sure if she's going to stay. She is talking about selling the house in the spring and leaving. I asked her to re consider and support me in getting help. Hard to say what she will do. If she leaves it's up to her. I can't stop her nor will I pressure her. I need some help and want it too. I'm ready to work hard to be a good husband and partner. I be told her this so no I need to wait and see.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## now_awake

Sorry you're having such a rough year. Hope your dad is doing better.


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## Fordsvt

My dad is doing much better thanks. Yes it's been a tough year. 
I know that I need some help. Hope she will stay and support me through it. But I think she has checked out. That's my gut feeling. Who knows with more MC and me going for help too. Perhaps she will step back in. 
To answer a few questions. Yes our sex life had been slow for at least 7 years. I asked many times and it went nowhere. I guess I turned to porn after that. It has always been on off. Not daily and at times not for a month. I'm not justifying what I've done as it was wrong. I know that. I know also that if we both work hard we can make this happen. But will she? 
Men are very visual. Sometimes I see a beautiful woman in heels someplace and I think it triggers me. Not always but at times I need that sex and don't get it from her. Last week we did it four times in a row. Then four days later she drops the porn issue on me. Claims to have been watching since August. Not sure what clued her in yet. ?

Two weeks ago she talked about going to Disney again next November. 
Then talked to my son about Wisconsin dells next summer. 
Asked me if I wanted to go to Mexico this march. 
Then days later she tells me she's got more dirt on me for porn and wants out. Been doing it for two plus months.


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## temperance

Oh boy... I am so sorry to hear you have such a roller coaster year. From your other post it doesn seem like she wanted to try.... did you get caught after last week? Like some other folks say, she might be just blaming it on you to justify her EA too... after all I can understand the low sex drive, or maybe porn does bother her a lot, but high heel shoes? It would be just easy for her to put on a pair of high heel boots for you... but then if she has already resent you so much, every little things you do or not do will trigger her resentment. 

She is having an EA, she is going to be back and forth with you. It seems that there are more issue than your porn issue, but anyhow if it has becoming an addiction you gotta speak to the MC or IC to get that resolve.


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## tulsy

She has low sex drive, and for years you get no sex. She has an affair, it's basically rug-swept.

You are denied sex, so you get off looking at porn...that's the final straw for her?

Masturbating is normal and healthy, and not something to be ashamed of. Having an affair is something she should be ashamed of.

She's not having sex with you and doesn't want you getting off at all...she wants to control your sex life by you not having one.

I haven't read your other thread, but the above is what I gather from this thread. She's manipulated you into taking all of the blame here.


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## now_awake

While I agree that lying about your porn use wasn't a good thing, from what you describe, I'm not sure if you have addiction issues. I shoe fetish does not equal addiction.

In my marriage, it's clear how we got to be sexless. H's fetish left him only being turned on by being humiliated. He never told me this, and has told me since that he didn't want me to participate in his addiction. So he ended up not being able to perform with me. It left me unfulfilled and wondering what was wrong with me. My self esteem plummeted. Now that I know the truth, it's like finally being able to see the whole puzzle. 

I know you don't want to believe that there have been other infidelities, but you have to stay open to the possibility, although it sounds like she wouldn't be very forthcoming about it. 

If you're still wondering if it's an addiction and worried, there's a screening test at sexhelp.com that might help you out.


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## Fordsvt

Not sure about her other activities yet. She is pissed about the shoe thing. I was on some other sites too. Porn is porn. So yes I was using it for a release. I got caught up in it for awhile. It was very on and off. She wants out so not sure what will happen. 

She made a appt to see our MC alone next Monday. I guess I will go again after that. If she wants out then why is she still going? I suspect she is very scared to leave. She's never been on her own before. I'm good to her otherwise. No drugs or abuse of any kind. I'm a clean living person. She has always gotten her way and gets what she wants. I've spoiled her in many ways IMHO. Even though our sex life has been sub par.


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## CallaLily

Fordsvt said:


> If she wants out then why is she still going? I suspect she is very scared to leave.


It could be she needs some reassurance from the counselor about leaving. Or perhaps shes asking the counselor about lawyers and how she should proceed to go about it, who knows for sure. I will say I'm sorry you're going through this and it does say a lot about the fact that you have owned up to your part in things and that you seem to be willing to change to save your marraige. Maybe she is talking to the counselor about giving you a second chance, you never know.


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## now_awake

The off again/on again thing might be part of an addiction cycle. On youtube there's a good video called the cycle of sex addiction if you want to watch it. It explains this cycle pretty well. 

I think in your case, you would need a professional's opinion to know for sure.

About the MC, well I've learned that fear is a great motivator. I'm still with H, though we aren't 'together'. It's not over until all those legal forms are signed and you go your separate ways. If or until that happens, use the time to work on your own issues. That might mean also telling her what you need from her to heal from the infidelity.


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## richie33

OP are you really addicted to porn or are you in a sexless marriage? Your wife can spin this anyway she wants but her EA is way worse than you getting off to porn.


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## Fordsvt

Her EA is done and over. I think she needs time to sort her head out. She is leaning towards wanting out. As she put it "I'm not a shoe. I feel very inadequate by all this. "
I get that. I did wrong here but she did too. I want to rebuild us and she seems to think she can't. Very sad 

Perhaps in time she may see it otherwise. I hope so. All the cards are on the table now so now we need to take steps one way or the other.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fordsvt

We've tried talking some more in the last few days. As of right now, her mind is made up to leave. But wants to stay in the new house we just bought together until June. So it won't disrupt the logistics of the kids and living arrangements. 

I find this maddening. I think I need to leave to get my thoughts, mind, and direction together. She needs a dose of reality. Splitting will hurt us, the kids and our living standards. She wants everything her way. She is selfish. I feel like I have no say here at all. I


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## FormerSelf

I feel you are riding the emotional rollercoaster too much, meaning, you are way too attached to your wives emotional sate regarding her outlook on her marriage. Its seems while you are trying to be really empathetic, it also reflects some major fear of her leaving you and that is going to add your wive's negative outlook towards staying married.

Why? Because she lost major respect for you with this...and if you are emotionally hovering over her, and showing signs of panic when she glibly mentions ending it...then it will only add to her lack of respect and trust with you...and lead her to think that you just want to control her emotions and fool her back into the marriage that she presently believe WON'T CHANGE. Stop trying to convince her. YOUR WORDS MEAN NOTHING. It's all about what you are actually doing PROACTIVELY for YOURSELF right now to overcome the addiction and plug yourself into counseling, books, studies, programs, men's groups...whatever shows you getting on your own feet. Those are the only things that may restore her hope and cause her to think "Maybe he IS changing." If you crowd her emotionally, constantly riding the rollercoaster of her indecision (because honestly, she probably is on the fence and you need to be able to deal with that)...then she will feel claustrophobic and trapped and not be able to think clearly and logical...and that will push her to decide to bail. And I don't want to say she is cruelly testing you on your reaction to her words right now, but sometimes they are tests...so when you flip out when she says "I am thinking we should end it" you fail when you plead with her to change her mind. Step back...keep your panic emotions out of the mix...and when she says something more about ending it, you CAN say you disagree, but won't hold her hostage anymore, and that regardless, you want to work on yourself. Say it like a cool cat and then...actually show that you are doing it...not bringing it to her for her approval (See honey, I'm changing for you!!). No, NOT for her, FOR YOU, the goal being that you will naturally step up, be the MAN for realz in the household, and her respect will increase...and that will completely change how she sees her as a husband and as a sex partner. Giving her the space will also lessen her heightened "I'm trapped" emotions and put her more in a logical "I need to rethink this" state. 

Back off. Be proactive with your improvements as a man. Don't react in any way that will lessen her respect for you. These are the only areas you can control...NOT her feelings, her emotions, her decisions. She will respect you more as you respect her as a free willed human being. Blessings.


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## Fordsvt

Wow what a response. You are so right on all of that. You nailed how I feel and what I've been doing. I need to be more alpha male. Also fix the issue. I'm going to my doctor to get a referal next week. I know I need change. 

I also need to toughen up with her too. More alpha and less emotions from me. Also more 180 too. It's a work in progress. She is on the fence still. Finances will be very tough for her. She knows it and admitts it too. I think I should move out for a few months. Get some space. We both need it. Thanks again for the reply.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jasel

Doesn't even really sound like you have a problem. If anything it sounds like your wife is gaslighting you and using your occasional porn use as an excuse to get out of the marriage and you're falling for it. 

That combined with a lackluster sex life, intimacy issues, a history of infidelity on her part which from the comments here doesn't sound like she's particularly remorseful and toss in the "ILYBINIL" speech I wouldn't surprised if she's screwing around on you currently or has her eyes on someone else.

You watching porn wasn't a big deal for her 4 years ago but suddenly it's worth ending the marriage over???


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## Fordsvt

She did make an issue about the porn 4 years ago. But she did nothing on her side to repair anything. So here we are in limbo once again. Not sure what she expects from a sexless marriage?? So far I can't tell if other men are involved. Her habits haven't changed. She could be texting that's about it. 

She's only had the one very recent infidelity which went on for a month before it was caught. I'm watching close and waiting for now.


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## newranger

Sorry to hear about your story 

As FormerSelf said, change for yourself and not for her. Its hard for me to believe you had porn addiction. That's a good thing. Porn addiction is the worst addiction to break. Its all started because of sexless marital-life. 

You said she is selfish and cheated on you. I believe she has more to be blamed than you. You were just a victim. 

Be patient and work-on yourself. Your kids needs you.


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## LostWifeCrushed

Garry2012 said:


> Maybe I am going against the flow here, but for her to walk away, rather than try to understand why you are there is an issue for me. She is looking for a reason to leave. If she loved you, why wouldnt she see what she can do to have you stay off those sites. Granted, you would have to stop, but its all about communication and understanding. But for her to just say "im done withyou because you like porn" seems like a cop out.


She's not saying I am done with you because you like porn, is she? 

Sorry I don't know the whole story.....

It seems like she might be mad because instead of working on your intimacy issues with her, you just went online and took care of yourself while she sat there in an affectionless marriage.

That seems like a valid reason to be upset.


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## Fordsvt

I think she has valid reasons. But I do too. I went online out of years of frustration. In any event I have decided to separate and leave in the next few months. I need space to clear my head. Also to explore some options and see what direction my life is going. 

I'm also getting help with my issues to be a better person. I will also continue to run my MAP too. It has helped immensely.
In time we may get back together who knows.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FormerSelf

Fordsvt...even though your situation sucks royally, I do support the idea of you getting away and to focus on stuff. Take the opportunity to know what your identity is...what things you like, what direction you want to go, what kind of person you want to be. I can care less about career or title or something to impress others...I am talking about what brings you to life. Letting go of an addiction can sometimes not be as productive as we think when we aren't really changing up our lives...as sometimes we just give up "the thing" and then live as a shell, just living life without what we gave up. They call it being a "dry drunk". 

My hope for you is that you completely reorder your life...and experience new things about yourself. When you start getting healthy like that...then you also start to see what a healthy relationship will start to look like, how boundaries are respected, how we don't try to "fix" each other, and go out and define what you EXPECT to have in a partner. If you don't pursue what you like, you will just try (and fail) to meet someone's need, they won't respect you or give you sex, and you wind up where you left off...alone and using porn to feel better...a complete COUNTERFEIT to what you can have when you are free to ask for what you want...and your partner has the joy of being able to meet your needs. 

You GET to set the stage now. You have the opportunity to redefine yourself. A good relationship will come as fruit of that...as it will open your wife's (or future wife) eyes as you act and live differently...and you grow the confidence to communicate what you want and don't want in a partner. She may look at you in a whole new light and try her best to meet your new expectations...or she may just let you do your thing. The important thing is that you are setting a precedent as to what you will allow and don't allow in your life...and a partner is a big part of that.

Don't let your dance with porn shame you into giving up or not thinking you deserve the best. Show strides that you are moving on from that...and that you tell you wife all the ways how you can acknowledge how you have hurt her...but at the same time, let her know that you are moving on and would like for her to release you from being reminded about it. And she deserves the same sort of release...that you aren't going to try to force her mind or emotions to not leave you. It is hard telling your wife that she is free to make her choices...but when I told my wife that, her whole countenance changed...she was shocked when I said i was giving her the freedom...but again, you really need to be action oriented.


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## FormerSelf

Double-post.


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## Fordsvt

It was my idea to leave now. I need to clear my head and her as well. It may push her to rethink getting a divorce. She for the first time showed real remorse about the EA. But we need time to recover. I can't that under the same roof as her. It will be better for both of us. We are looking at kind of a "Controlled Separation" right now. I'm not sure yet.

We have been together for 21 years and married for 17. I love her to bits but we need this. It breaks my heart but I know it's right. We still love each other very much but have hit a wall. I feel the worst for my kids now, not me. I will get help with my Employee Assistance Plan at work. Also our MC and my doctor gave me a Physic referral today too. I have to work on me. run my MAP and be better.


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## Fordsvt

I've gone to 3 Sex Addicts Anonymous sessions. I don't think I have an addiction at all. I was using it as a substitute for lack of sex. I haven't looked at it in a month now and have no desire to either. Your right though, 'Actions speak louder than words"
She has taken notice as well.


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## Thebes

I'm wondering have you cheated on her in the past. Is there other things that have happened that makes this the last straw for her.


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## Thebes

LostWifeCrushed said:


> She's not saying I am done with you because you like porn, is she?
> 
> Sorry I don't know the whole story.....
> 
> It seems like she might be mad because instead of working on your intimacy issues with her, you just went online and took care of yourself while she sat there in an affectionless marriage.
> 
> That seems like a valid reason to be upset.


I have to agree with you on this. Running to the porn and not helping her with her problem, that she may of had help in getting, will drive her further away.


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## Fordsvt

No I've never cheated on her. She knows it too as I never went out hardly ever!!Yes porn was the wrong thing to do. I should have manned up 5 years ago and took her too narriage counselling then. I've made a mess of this and her EA didn't help either. I'm past the EA, I get it and will forgive.

Going to a support group has helped me a lot. 
I'm also using the EAP program at my work which has been great.
We have been in MC since mid Sept. Also a big help.
Ran a 180 since October. Same with my MAP which has helped immensely.

She has seen change in me, attitude, voice, actions. Also reading the MMSLP and No More Mr. Nice Guy has been great too. I see what I've been doing wrong all these years. I hope it's not to late.


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## Fordsvt

Update....

We have been doing good for a few weeks. We have also become intimate once again at her prompting. There has been some real fireworks in our bed again.
We still love each other.
We don't fight really at all. No swearing or name calling. Ever. 
We both want IC and MC. We still respect each other. 
We are going to try and reconcile. 
Communication has been very good. We may take a winter trip Mexico too.

Thanks to all who gave me support. I will keep you posted


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## over20

This is wonderful news!! Just in time for the New Year and new beginnings. Keep up the great work!! We all go through dark times in our marriages, the two of you may be able to eventually reach out to another couple and help them!!


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## ness366

I can see your point, I has the same situation with my husband... I recommend conversation - it's a golden mean - eventually my husband knew that it's an issue.


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## Fordsvt

ness366 said:


> I can see your point, I has the same situation with my husband... I recommend conversation - it's a golden mean - eventually my husband knew that it's an issue.


It's been going well to date. We are in MC together and I will continue IC for me cause it really has helped. She even stated that she's proud of me for the changes I've made and they have been good. We've talked a lot and it's going in the right direction. Our love making in Dec was fantastic.


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## LostWifeCrushed

Wow, really great to hear about this progress.

I only have a small concern that you might want to consider.... It seems like the decision was made along the way that the "porn problem" happened as a result of a sexless marriage. 

I have to respectfully disagree. The porn problem was a decision you made that had nothing to do with her. You could have dealt with it in a different way. Also, a sexless marriage is one of the number one OUTCOMES of internet porn abuse. So, just saying that maybe you should own that one a little more, stop blaming her...

Also, taking pictures of her property and posting them for sexual thrills is not "porn". Its like you are using her stuff and she's not even there. You have objectified her at this point. You are even buying shoes for her to wear now in bed? I would be surprised if you can get her to do this if she has seen these photos. This is not "porn", its a huge crossing of boundaries.

Also, bringing your porn fantasies into the bedroom is another problem that infects the sex lives of an internet porn abusing spouse. What happened to HER in all this.

I feel for your struggle and really am impressed that you are facing this head on. Just thought I would point out those things because they stood out to me and might rear their head and trip up your progress if they aren't dealt with.

Best of luck to you and your wife


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## DvlsAdvc8

Wow... a happy ending? Am I on the wrong forum?


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## Fordsvt

Lost wife. You are right. I did objectify her and it was so wrong. I made some huge boundary mistakes there. 
I'm happy to say we are on the right course. Still in counselling and no porn for me for two months. I'm so ashamed at what I did. We are working on things and it's going great. It was the best Xmas present I could have ever received. We are both determined to make it work and reignite our love emotions and marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LostWifeCrushed

Fordsvt said:


> Lost wife. You are right. I did objectify her and it was so wrong. I made some huge boundary mistakes there.
> I'm happy to say we are on the right course. Still in counselling and no porn for me for two months. I'm so ashamed at what I did. We are working on things and it's going great. It was the best Xmas present I could have ever received. We are both determined to make it work and reignite our love emotions and marriage.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


All I can say is I am impressed with your writing here. I wish my H was so forthcoming. I think you are really to be commended. Just be careful not to blame the sexless marriage, you made decisions and need to own those 100%. Other than that I hope to read more about your success in the future.

Peace


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## LostWifeCrushed

Also, let go of the shame.....it is a big part of hiding porn for some reason. Its ok to deal with your sexuality in an open an honest way. If you can do this, you will have a rare marriage. No shame and blame, just learning and healing and being there for each other. I hope you stay on this path. Best of luck to you both, truly.


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## Fordsvt

Thanks Lostwife for the kind words. I am owning what I did and I think it's a major reason why she stepped back into my space. We have been in a great place the last few weeks. It's been incredible really. I have told her I wish to continue with the mc for us and IC for me. It has changed how I think, feel, and approach life.


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## Fordsvt

*UPDATE:*

Well, I'm proud to say I've been porn free for 6 months. !!!
Did not look at it at all. 

We've been doing pretty good as well. We went to Cancun for a week together in Feb.
I'm still in IC. We need to do some more MC as well.
It was all her initiative to have me stay home. Not to move out so I give her full credit for that. It's been going well so far.
Thanks to all for the great posts, help and direction.:smthumbup:


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## DoF

Only read original post....



Fordsvt said:


> Our sex life has been low for about 5 years.


OP, what you have done/have been doing is a consequence of above and is completely normal for a man to do (in my opinion)

Heck, if anything I applaud you for not cheating!!! Most men would've done that LONG ago.

There is nothing wrong with watching porn and finding/perusing your sexual desires when your partner doesn't care enough for you to make sure you are satisfied.

It's better for you (and your wife) that this marriage ends. Do you really want to live with a woman that has 0 desire to have sex or makes sure their loved one is happy/satisfied?

I doubt that.....

Forget about her, YOU should be the one that should file for divorce first (and should've done so already).

PS. My opinion is based on assumption that you have done your 50% effort in marriage and tried hard being intimate/affectionate etc with your wife. Remember it takes 2 to tango!


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## Fordsvt

Wow. That's quite a response. Perhaps read the rest of everything that posted too. 
We were both on the wrong. Not just one.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## staarz21

Fordsvt said:


> *UPDATE:*
> 
> Well, I'm proud to say I've been porn free for 6 months. !!!
> Did not look at it at all.
> 
> We've been doing pretty good as well. We went to Cancun for a week together in Feb.
> I'm still in IC. We need to do some more MC as well.
> It was all her initiative to have me stay home. Not to move out so I give her full credit for that. It's been going well so far.
> Thanks to all for the great posts, help and direction.:smthumbup:


Congrats! Keep up the good work! I hope things turn out well for you!


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## Fordsvt

Thank-you
Thanks for the kind words.


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## over20

Fordsvt said:


> I think right now she is very hurt and heart broken. She may reconsider and give me time to get help. I hope so. It may be to late. Not sure at this point. As it is all so fresh.


Exactly this here I think....the wound to her is very fresh.

There is a website called New Life Live- it's for porn recovery. It also has help for women. It's great. 

There is also a book called "Every Man's Battle" by Steve Arterburn. My hubs and I both read it. It is deep and takes you through the steps of porn recovery and "bouncing your eyes" to keep your eyes pure. At the end of each chapter there is a "wife" section which is helpful for women.

Friend she needs to see action on your part. As a women, when we find our husbands viewing porn we equate it with cheating...that is why she feels so strong...In her mind she feels you had a PA...that is the level of sadness and anger she is in....

You are in my thoughts and know you are not alone glad to hear of the great progress!!


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## Mostlycontent

Fordsvt said:


> Thanks for all the replies. Yes we have had sexless marriage for years. That's when my porn issue came on. I've always had a high heel shoe boot fetish. We are in MC now. Have only been dealing with her EA from aug 31 so far. She caught onto the porn shoe thing in the end of July. She says that's why the EA happened. Some a hole in a NYC bar paid attention to her. Said the right things and they started sexting. I caught it Oct 7 th. It was done.
> 
> But during sept I knew something was up. So I started with the porn and lots. Nothing gross or crazy. I think it's an on off addiction. I haven't done anything with her shoes in a year. I also bought her two pairs of high heel bedroom shoes to spice things up. She rejected it. Said it made her feel inadequate she use to wear heels in bed for me often up until eight years ago. After our son was born her sex drive tanked. Not sure why. She did nothing either even when I asked.
> 
> Do I have a problem. Yes I do. I will get help. But also I don't want to lose her. She will have a tough time on her own money wise. She makes about 30$k a year. Even if I give her $800-900 a month for support it will be tough. I asked her to reconsider leaving. She said she would. Yes we have some **** to work through. No I have no other addictions at all. None. I think she has some blame too. She so far does not see it like that. We are doing MC and I will be going for help too for the porn. I need to. Thanks to all for the comments.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I have a different perspective than a lot of people and that coupled with your repeated self flagellation has inspired me to chime in on this thread.

First of all, is your sexless marriage your doing or are you contributing to it in any way, meaning do you no longer desire sex with her or no longer initiate sex? I'm a huge believer that sex is a marital obligation for both parties. If it wasn't, why would people even bother to get married.

If your W cut you off, what the heck does she expect to happen. If that's the case, I would place a large percentage of the blame right at her feet. My W and I were fairly good friends with a couple when we lived up in the Carolinas 7 or 8 years ago. The wife in the relationship said that she was no longer attracted to her husband and wasn't going to have sex with him anymore. My W, being wise, told her that not only is that her obligation but what result did she expect from her husband. They were only in their late 30s at the time and no normal man is going to forego sex the rest of his days, particularly a married man. She warned her friend that her husband was quite likely to stray if she continued down that path.

Well, some months later her husband came dangerously close to having a PA with a girl he worked with so my W's warning was right on queue. The wife of the man quickly changed her tune and decided that she better find a way to communicate with him and work on finding him attractive because she didn't much like the alternative.

To me, it is fundamentally wrong for a spouse to cut off the other and if they do, it better be for some sort of terminal illness. I believe that each spouse not only has an obligation to have sex with one another but also to maintain their attractiveness as best they can. It is a most central core issue in a marital relationship and if it goes south, everything deteriorates from there. 

Your wife had an EA no doubt because she was sex starved and you developed a porn addiction for exactly the same reason. Clearly both of you have things to recover from but the remedy starts with the two of you becoming sexual with one another again, even if it's just about sex and nothing else. You can get your physical releases and worry about the intimacy later. Forget all the shadow boxing and symptom-fixing, you both need to be having regular sex. From the looks of it, it appears as though some of your problems may not exist if this were happening regularly. 

And I do understand if the emotional of spiritual connection is missing with one another or has waned over the years. I've been married a long time so I get it, but don't compound the issue by being sexless as well. That will never make any marital problem better. 

If that doesn't work, or there's been too much harm done on both sides, then just go your separate ways.


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## Fordsvt

Thank-you....great post and a lot of truth there.


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