# What I know...two years later.



## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Two years ago, I was at one of the lowest points in my life. I was dealing with the fact that the man I believed to have been my soul mate was done with the marriage. The next year would be one of the worst years of my life. The grief was intense and the depression never seemed to let up. 

So two years later...I still grieve. And when I grieve it can be just as intense as it was. But I don't have the need to grieve very often. And when I grieve it doesn't last very long. 

I've stopped being angry at him for ending the marriage. I've stopped being angry with him for cheating. I am happy/content with my new normal. 

I am still angry with the fact that he moved next door to my brother. He put my brother and his partner into an awkward position and and it effected my relationship with them. And also he's lazy, so he will never ever move unless he's forced to. 

There are still triggers, although they are fewer and farther between. I had a hard time when my best friend was in town. A lot of things changed in our divorce and my relationship with her was one of them. I don't think she ever understood my grief, and I don't think I ever really understood her forgiveness and tolerance of him. 

But after she left things calmed down for me emotionally.

On Monday, I start my first class as an official Ph.D. student. I am in control of my finances, and have managed to reduce my budget enough that I could afford to drop down to working 4 days a week. 

I think about dating sometimes, but the truth of the matter is that I don't want to be anyone's girl friend. I don't want to get married in the near future (if ever), I don't want to share my space. I like knowing that if there is a cup on the counter, it's because I put it there. And when I clean my house, I can keep it clean. (well to the point that one can keep it clean with three animals in the house.) And the toilet seat is never ever up. The tiny little conflicts and frustrations are just gone. 

I don't know if I will change how I feel, I don't rule it out. 

So at two years out...I am the happiest I think I have been since I was 23. It's not to say that it was all bad. I was in love. I loved that man. And that's a wonderful thing to have experienced. But he made choices that made it foolish to continue to love him. 

I don't know what his life is like. I don't know if he's happy or depressed, if he's grown or stagnated. I do know where he lives, unfortunately. But outside of that he is a stranger. He is a distant memory most of the time. And me? I like who I am and I like my life. And at least for today, I regret nothing.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Sounds like you are on a healthy path to recovery.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Betrayedone said:


> Sounds like you are on a healthy path to recovery.


I am. It's a good place to be.

Here's something else I have learned. There is no one right path. I was so angry at first, and made some really concrete choices that other people thought were extreme. I did it to protect my self. I was emotionally so raw, and I didn't want anything to make me hurt more. 

I have a friend who's husband cheated. She has taken a different path than me. And right now they are working on reconciliation. At first, I felt that she needed to divorce him. But that wasn't her choice, and I came to realize she needed to go down this path. Whether it works or not, she needs to do this for herself. It's not a wrong path, it's just a different path. 

There is no cookie cutter way to deal with divorce. There is no specific sequence to be done when you are betrayed. 

The only thing I can say must be done is that reality must be accepted. It's not easy. But unless your choices are made based on what is vs. what you want you will get stuck. That's it. That's the only rule I know. No rug sweeping, no lying to yourself, and no pretending something isn't happening when it is.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

It is a long recovery from being cheated on, you are doing great.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

You are much further along than you even imagine.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

BlueWoman said:


> On Monday, I start my first class as an official Ph.D. student.
> 
> I think about dating sometimes, but the truth of the matter is that I don't want to be anyone's girl friend. I don't want to get married in the near future (if ever), I don't want to share my space.
> 
> ...


I shortened your post.

The lamp that sits on top of it [post] will now shine directly in your eyes.

My youngest daughter completed her PhD program at an elite ivy league school. The rigorous program nearly destroyed her. She is smart as a whip but the hours needed, the dedication required were mind sapping. She thought about quiting, many times. She did not [quit] and finished her science major one year later than scheduled. 

She had a few relationships while slogging her way through school. They only added pressure to her already overloaded mind.

After graduating things got back to a new normal. She met a great guy, settled down and married. All is well, now!

Your marriage, while short, sometimes sweet sometimes sour was a good life lesson. View it that way!

Go slow, concentrate on your studies. Do not waste any time or emotions on anyone else until, you too, finish your PhD program.

Good luck. God Bless!


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Just a funny thought...as many of you know, when my XH and I split he moved right next door to my brother and SIL. And by next door, I mean they can see into each others windows. Needless to say I was really angry with him for it, and I won't lie it has done damage to my relationship with my brother and his SIL. 

He still lives there. Just the other day I suddenly thought "You know, it would be great if my XH got a girlfriend and then moved in with her." First time I ever thought that him dating someone else would be good for me. So everyone, keep your fingers crossed that he find a girl friend who doesn't want him living next door to his XBIL.


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