# Did I just make a mistake ???



## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

I swear my husband must be bipolar :scratchhead:.....

As I wrote earlier....he presented me another piece of paper towards the divorce.....we've had a texting marathon going on after where he said (pretty much) this is it we're divorcing for sure and then 5 seconds later says that signing that paper doesn't mean that it will be turned in :scratchhead: 

Anyway....when he was sleeping this morning (after night shift) my oldest (9) asked me what we're going to do today....I said that maybe the boys and daddy can go and watch Megamind tonight.....and I was going to stay home and clean the house (since this was one of the issues husband had with me)....

When I asked my husband if he'd take the boys to the movies he said "You're not coming ???".....I was confused and said "No....I have to clean the house !!"......he said puzzled "There's nothing wrong with the house.".....

We've never taken the boys to the movies together....mostly because of his working hours.....lately because of our marriage troubles....

I'm confused and anxious because I feel like I've just made a mistake by not going.....

Could he have tried to make a step towards me and I just totally screwed up ??? :scratchhead:

What do you think ???


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

You might want to explain when he gets back what your motives were for not going. You probably should have gone. But hey - you're only human! Don't sweat it!


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I do this to my H all the time. In the moment I will want something and so I'll tell my H. In the next moment, while he is doing what i asked, i'll want something different. I dont remember asking him to do the other thing, and even if i do remember, what i want at the moment takes precedent and so i flip flop and still feel frustrated with him.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

No, you didn't make a mistake. You made an independent decision. You made a decision for an activity without him, of which you would not be a part ... and he did it.

Don't apologize. Don't explain. What you did is good, not bad.

At the end of the day, whether or not you went to the movies is going to have zero to do with how this story ends ... but the decisions you make for yourself? All the difference in the world.

Sending him the subconscious message that you can function just fine without him, is actually exactly the thing that will make him question if he wants to follow through with the divorce. 

Hope that makes sense.


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## photojane (Dec 4, 2010)

According to all the advice on these forums (which I am torn on), showing him that your perfectly OK without him is the way to go. So if that advice is any good, you did the right thing.

I totally understand your feelings of wonder though. You want to be with him. There's no taking it back now so just explain maybe when he returns, IF he seems to still be questioning it.


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

Deejo said:


> Sending him the subconscious message that you can function just fine without him, is actually exactly the thing that will make him question if he wants to follow through with the divorce.
> 
> Hope that makes sense.


:scratchhead: I'm not sure.....

I don't know what to think or do anymore....

I thought it would be points for me if I show him how serious I am about making this house a clean and comfy home.....but looking at his reaction shows me that was the wrong decision.....

I've told him again that I really wanted to go with him (them) but felt like that it would be more important to him that the house was spotless....

He said (kinda unnerved) that there was nothing wrong with the house and that if I really wanted to come I should've come !!!!

This is the part where I don't know what is right anymore.....

I am working hard on all the issues he's found wrong with me.....no, not just to please him, but also because I realized I had to do it for me and my future (with or without him)......

Apparently that didn't make him change his mind about the divorce, so now I'm thinking if I've made a mistake all along....

Maybe he didn't just want me to change all these things, but also more intimacy, more kissing, hugging, spending time with him ?!?!?!

But how could I do that "knowing" that he doesn't love me anymore (his words, but his actions -cuddling- speak different).....

I couldn't just stick my tongue down his throat, or could I ?!?!?

It's just so freaking complicated...

What if he was giving me another chance after my first begging and pleading and was waiting for me to be more intimate and compassionate and I totally didn't realize it.....

Since he didn't see a change in that department he has now given up totally......

Then I've ruined it.....  .....

Why can it just be like "I give you another chance if you show me more compassion etc."....that would be so much easier....


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## photojane (Dec 4, 2010)

"Why can it just be like "I give you another chance if you show me more compassion etc."....that would be so much easier...."

Then do that. Why not?


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

Because I'm not the one who has to give the second chance....I want to have it  ....

Otherwise it would be easy.....


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

Yesterday I felt a little (very) emotional.....I was going to write him a last letter about what I love about him, what I'm sorry for and that I will always love him and such......

I came home and they were already eating dinner.....

It wasn't anything I like (Hamburger Helper ) and so I went upstairs and turned on the computer.....

He asked me "Aren't you going to eat dinner ?"

I said "No, I'm not feeling good" and started to bawl  .....

He just shook his head and left....

It was my Gym night but I felt to emotional so I wasn't going to go....

But I changed my mind because I thought he would just think 'see another thing she started and doesn't stick with'.....I didn't want to give him the satisfaction....

So after we put the kids in bed I just left....no saying good bye.....

I was back home after 11 pm and he was just going to bed....

I got the boys shoes out of our bedroom, and when closing the door I said "Have a good night".....he looked puzzled and said "Aren't you coming to bed ???".....I said "No"...."Are you going to stay up ???"....."Yep, for a little bit" I said and got onto the computer....

About 1/2 hour later he came out and looked at me again puzzled "You know it's almost midnight ?!?!"....."I know."......I wanted to laugh.....

He went back to bed after getting a drink of water and just stared at me kinda funny....

I went to bed at 1 am and he was laying all the way over on his side, but I didn't care today.....

When the alarm woke me this morning he had his feet entangled with mine and his hand on my belly.....he didn't move it when the alarm rang and I had to pull away from his touch.....

I kept cool when I just got home (lunch break)....very casual/civil....

I think I'm going to do a version of the 180......because I came to the conclusion that I have nothing to lose.....since he's got his mind set on divorce....

I kind of enjoyed his reaction last night though :smthumbup: !!!!!!


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Told ya ... 

He is puzzled that you aren't behaving 'normally', in light of the fact that he plans on bailing on the marriage?

He's the one being weird.

Your conclusion is correct. At some level he wants you to make this easy for him. So don't. If he wants it badly enough he'll leave, instead of wondering why you aren't coming to bed with him.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I think its also very possible that he's still unsure about things.

I haven't read your other posts so maybe I'm off. But my wife and i had the "this time its REALLY over" talk several times during our year-long separation. At times I felt I wanted it to be over - and then I would feel different the next day - or the next moment.

Its complicated...


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

nice777guy said:


> I think its also very possible that he's still unsure about things.
> 
> I haven't read your other posts so maybe I'm off. But my wife and i had the "this time its REALLY over" talk several times during our year-long separation. At times I felt I wanted it to be over - and then I would feel different the next day - or the next moment.
> 
> Its complicated...


I agree.


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## KRinOnt (Oct 19, 2010)

Dale&Alex said:


> I think I'm going to do a version of the 180......because I came to the conclusion that I have nothing to lose.....since he's got his mind set on divorce....
> 
> I kind of enjoyed his reaction last night though :smthumbup: !!!!!!


Best of luck to you. I'm rootin' for ya. This drama you've been in is really unfair to you. I'll stick by my original contention though: this man still loves you very much and is very confused. He'll eventually see what he's missing and come around. I just feel it.


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

Deejo said:


> Told ya ...
> 
> He is puzzled that you aren't behaving 'normally', in light of the fact that he plans on bailing on the marriage?
> 
> ...


It gives me relief thinking that this way I can at least get out of this marriage with my head held high....or as high as it goes 

I'm still not sure if he's got an EA.....

I don't believe he's in a PA since there's hardly any time he's alone.....

:scratchhead:


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

nice777guy said:


> I think its also very possible that he's still unsure about things.
> 
> I haven't read your other posts so maybe I'm off. But my wife and i had the "this time its REALLY over" talk several times during our year-long separation. At times I felt I wanted it to be over - and then I would feel different the next day - or the next moment.
> 
> Its complicated...


Well....if you're really bored....go read my posts  .....you'll see that you must be off, because he's got the divorce decree on his desk....his part signed already.....

I wish he was still just unsure, but I think he's only playing nice with me to get what he wants without me turning around and taking his last shirt.....

A lot of people I know say he's an a**hole and not worth it.....my boss even just said that....

But I have to say he's not....he's not the person I've married 50% of the time....when we're talking about the divorce he's so cold and unfair that I keep thinking "Who the hell is this man ???"......but when we're talking about the kids and stuff and he looks into my eyes and smiles I see the love in it....I really do.....

And that's why it kills me....

He said to me "I have let emotions cloud my judgment for too many years." 

He's such a rational person....I know he still loves me but he thinks it's better for him to just end this.....he thinks he doesn't have to worry about the bills anymore then etc.

The funny thing is....I only forgot to pay 2 of our bills twice in 10 years.....otherwise he's taking care of the bills....

I'm going to start college to get a better job in the future and be able to contribute to the bills (his big complaint)......but apparently it doesn't matter to him anymore now....

I have the feeling there is an EA going on.....how fast he's decided he's done....how fast he filed for divorce....how he changed all the passwords.....how he kicked me off of facebook.....how he's carrying his phone with him at all times....the texting (which I can't see him do anymore but who knows)......the cell-mailbox that is full (never ever was full because nobody ever called him)......

If that doesn't scream affair.....then I don't know.....


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

KRinOnt said:


> Best of luck to you. I'm rootin' for ya. This drama you've been in is really unfair to you. I'll stick by my original contention though: this man still loves you very much and is very confused. He'll eventually see what he's missing and come around. I just feel it.


Thanks KR....I'm sure he still loves me (deeeeeeeeeeeeep inside somewhere).....

I am convinced that he has a midlife crisis and depression going and that drove him into an affair (EA at least)......

And if the affair ends (hopefully) he will wake up and realize what he's done ....

I hope he won't be too proud to ask for a reconciliation, because you can all call me stupid, but I would give him a second chance for sure....if he's back to being the man I loved....

I wish I had prove of an affair because that would make it so much easier to end this and for me to move on one way or another.....


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

He actually let me hear his voice mail messages last night (his box was full and that has never been the case before divorce was brought up).....

There was nothing suspicious....

He also let me look at pics on his phone....

I know it doesn't mean that he's not having an EA..... but since it was * right after* I asked him to delete the messages (so I could reach him in an emergency).....I feel a little relieved....

He's so pleasant most of the time....it makes me want to cry, because that's the man I fell in love with 11 years ago.....


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Dale&Alex said:


> I swear my husband must be bipolar :scratchhead:.....
> 
> As I wrote earlier....he presented me another piece of paper towards the divorce.....we've had a texting marathon going on after where he said (pretty much) this is it we're divorcing for sure and then 5 seconds later says that signing that paper doesn't mean that it will be turned in :scratchhead:
> 
> ...


I think you should print out what you just wrote and hand it to him.


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