# Boyfriend won't tell baby mama that he is with me



## Confused99

My boyfriend and I have been on and off for 7 years. For about a year we didn't talk and during this time he had a baby with another woman. We are now back officially together and he will not tell her that he is with someone because he says she still has feelings for him and it will upset her and if she gets upset she might put him on child support out of spite. He is already working two jobs to pay for his son's daycare and expenses and believes because of his income he will have to pay a lot. So I havent said anything about it, but the other day I ran into her at the store and I was just very annoyed by the whole situation (she doesn't know who I am or that I even exist so she didnt say anything to me I just knew who she was because she had the child with her). My friends think I am dumb for being with him if he wont claim me, but his family/coworkers know it's just her. Ive told him how I felt about it and he just says Im trying to make his life difficult. What should I do?


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## *LittleDeer*

First- don't be with a man who doesn't voluntarily pay child support. 

Secondly don't be with a man who feels he has to hide his relationship with you. 

The end.


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## PBear

Are you sure there's nothing more between the two of them? How long has he been separated from him? How long does he hope to pull off this charade?

Personally, I think the 7 years on and off should be the first big warning flag. And the fact that he's still more concerned about his ex's feelings should be another. Why invest more time in a bad relationship?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans

*LittleDeer* said:


> Secondly don't be with a man who feels he has to hide his relationship with you.


:iagree:

How annoying. Plus what if the kid recognizes you, "That's Daddy's girlfriend."

Awkward.


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## Jellybeans

Confused99 said:


> Ive told him how I felt about it and he just says Im trying to make his life difficult. What should I do?


Dump him. Or accept he has zero intention to tell her because for some reason telling her makes his life "difficult."

(Which by tew ay is the most ridiculous excuse ever). He has made it clear what his stance is. 

You can't make him do anything. So you can either accept he won't "claim you" as you said or just deal with the fact you are with a man who can't even be honest enough to say you're his girlfriend or finds it a burden to say you are his girlfriend.


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## Jellybeans

Confused99 said:


> the other day I ran into her at the store and I was just very annoyed by the whole situation (she doesn't know who I am or that I even exist so


You were with this man for 7 years and she has no idea about you? That is even worse, IMO.


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## Openminded

I agree with your friends.


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## DoF

You need another/better man OP. One with no extra baggage.

Think about the future for a few. So let's assume things work out between you 2 and everything is dandy. How much of his paycheck will go towards this child?

How much will be left for living expenses for you 2?

The answer is, not very much.

Also do you really want to marry a man that has a child with another woman?

I think you are setting yourself up for a complete failure.

Also his current situation speaks VOLUMES about what kind of person he is.


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## EleGirl

He will not legally take responsibility for his own child.

He will not openly admit that he's in a relationship with you.

Do we see a pattern here?

Has he even checked out what child support would be? I ask the question but really, it's not your business. You are not married to him. You are the secret that he does not want anyone to know about.

Why are you putting up with this?


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## Jellybeans

Confused99 said:


> and he will not tell her that he is with someone because he says she still has feelings for him and it will upset her and if she gets upset* she might put him on child support out of spite.*


How in the HELL did I miss this part of the post?! 

He is an even bigger d0uchebag than I thought. 



EleGirl said:


> You are the secret that he does not want anyone to know about.


:iagree:


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## somethingelse

This is all pretty unfair to you. A few questions...

How often does he see his child? Have YOU ever met his child? and has he ever cheated on you with this woman?


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## Hicks

Why would a woman ever have sex with a man who fathered a child out of wedlock and then wants to get out of child support? Can you please get your tubes tied or something so another fatherless child does not enter society?


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## samyeagar

I really dislike the terms "baby mama" and "baby daddy". That is all. Carry on...


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## Miss Taken

This is all very, very shady.

I wouldn't buy his side of the story for a moment. From my understanding, he doesn't want to be court ordered to pay child support but is giving her support? Fair enough BUT when he had a child with her, he chose the consequences of maybe having to be court ordered to pay child support - not just give whatever he saw fit. 

Secondly, about hiding his relationship from her? Well, I would be concerned that the real reason is that they are still seeing each other. He leads her on in hopes that she won't take him to court. If she in fact does have feelings for him, that is a huge reason WHY he should know about you.

I think your friends are looking out for your best interests. Love doesn't equate to smart choices. His unwillingness to be on record for CS, coupled with the secrecy he insists on in your relationship are huge red flags that should be telling you to run.

Put yourself in the shoes of mother of his child a few years down the line. You have a kid, you break up, he doesn't want to be on record for CS, he dates someone else while convincing you that there's a chance for the both of you to work it out all the while having another serious girlfriend on the side. I would RUN.


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## PBear

Btw... The fact that they don't have a formalized support agreement in place puts him at risk in the future, if she decides to sue him for child support. If he doesn't have a record of paying what he should have been paying, he could be on the hook for a poopload of money. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans

Confused99 said:


> My boyfriend and I have been on and off for 7 years.


Does he happen to be one of these guys you mentioned here:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/66241-advice-about-ex-spouse.html

It may help you to try to stay single for a bit. Seems you rush from relationship to relationship.


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## MoonBay

Confused99 said:


> *My boyfriend and I have been on and off for 7 years.*
> 
> :redcard: *Red flag number 1*
> 
> *For about a year we didn't talk and during this time he had a baby with another woman.*
> :redcard: *Red flag number 2*
> 
> *We are now back officially together and he will not tell her that he is with someone because he says she still has feelings for him and it will upset her and if she gets upset she might put him on child support out of spite.*
> 
> :redcard: :redcard: Multiple red flags. So, not only is he hiding you from her, he is prioritizing HER feelings over yours, and he's scared of paying child support? He should be paying it already since he is the father of that child.
> 
> You're okay being with a man who skirts financial responsibility and disrespects you? Confused, you know you deserve better than this.
> 
> He is already working two jobs to pay for his son's daycare and expenses and believes because of his income he will have to pay a lot. So I havent said anything about it, but the other day I ran into her at the store and I was just very annoyed by the whole situation (she doesn't know who I am or that I even exist so she didnt say anything to me I just knew who she was because she had the child with her). *My friends think I am dumb for being with him if he wont claim me, but his family/coworkers know it's just her.*
> 
> Listen to your friends, they have a more objective view than you do. You're looking through rose-tinted lenses and the feelings you have for your boyfriend are interfering with your ability to really look at your situation.
> 
> Ive told him how I felt about it and *he just says Im trying to make his life difficult.*
> 
> :redcard: So again, he's showing that he doesn't care about your feelings and everything is about him. He doesn't respect you at all. Do you really want to be with someone who disrespects you like this?
> 
> What should I do?


What should you do?
*
Leave him.* 

I would also recommend taking a break from dating and getting into IC so you can sort through why you tolerate disrespect from men in relationships. You deserve someone better than this chump.


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## PBear

Jellybeans said:


> Does he happen to be one of these guys you mentioned here:
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/66241-advice-about-ex-spouse.html
> 
> It may help you to try to stay single for a bit. Seems you rush from relationship to relationship.


I'm waiting with bated breath for an answer on this one too... In January 2013, you were 24, and in the middle of your second marriage. Now, a year later, you're back with someone you had a "7 year, on and off relationship" with?  You don't owe any of us answers, but you'll get the best advice if you give better details. 

Personally, it seems that you're likely to ignore any advice you're given anyway... But maybe I put on my cynical pants this morning. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans

Nah, methinks you are spot on.


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## Nikita2270

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nikita2270

Your manpicker is broken.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bobby5000

He doesn't look like Mr. Popularity here, playing you both. Anyone betting there isn't a third lady in the mix.


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