# Thinking of Seperating...not sure what to do.



## Kelgirl (Dec 30, 2012)

I have been married for 28 years.. I know a long time. We have a daughter together she is 20 years old.. she works and still lives at home.

My husband and I have been distant for a long time.. we live in the same house but pretty distant. We talk about on the surface stuff.. the weather, etc. We never have intimate conversations, no hugs, no kisses.. well we peck before he leaves for work, no text messages to say how is your day going, NOTHING. When we have sex..nothing leads up to it to make it exciting..and that's not very often.. I rarely initiate it.

My brother passed away last month.. November which was pretty rough and seems like I notice the distance even more in my marriage. I have tried talking to my husband several times.. I ask him will he be willing to go to counseling he said no, I said even to save our marriage, he said nothing has changed in these many years..I said a LOT has changed. I could not tell you the last time my husband told me he loved me... I brought that up the other night I reminded him he said at one time that he is not going to say I love you just to say it.. he said that's right.. a lot of people say it just to say it.. I said no that's not true if people say it its meaning behind it. He did not hear it a lot in his household but to me that's no excuse not to tell your wife you love her if you really do.

My husband has some hidden issues that he needs to talk to a counselor about.. he feels like he is the black sheep of his family, etc. Maybe he is not capable of loving anyone. He do not tell my daughter he loves her either. I don't think he should have gotten married. We get along fine..we are more like friends and roommates than husband and wife.. Its really starting to bother me.

He is pretty bad when it comes to money.. he was responsible for taking care of the mortgage and several years ago.. we came close to a foreclosure. Long story short.. I now handle the finances.. his checks are deposited into my account and I give him an allowance.. I don't think he likes that AT ALL. 

But I am not sure how in the world can a man live in a house with his wife and be so distant..I am distant from him as well due to him being so distant.. he seems like it does not bother him one bit. Maybe if I ask for a trial separation I will open his eyes a bit. The only thing that is stopping me is my daughter still lives at home and he will not be able to keep the house without my income. I will more than likely rent a room from someone. Sorry so long.. thanks for allowing this "newby" to vent. Hope someone out there can relate. There is some happiness in my life from all of this.. will share maybe at another time.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

Woman needs affection and closeness; man is satisfied the way things are.
This is a situation that has been posted many times with just a few different circumstances. *Your husband needs a jolt.*

*If you are at the end of your rope and there is no other way then leave.*

Can you go live with a relative or a friend for a while? If they will help you for a while then you could still help pay the mortgage. If that is possible then tell your daughter and get you and her with a good understanding, then just leave. No talk, no ultimatums, no contact information. Just let him come home and find you gone. You can leave him a letter that is boiled down to the basic problem, no novel or pages and pages. No accusations just tell him why you left.


Later after you think he and you have had enough time to look at this situation clearly then arrange contact through letter, email, or text. That way you both will have to think things out and will have a record of what you say.

There is an old song from my days that had the title of


> *“You don’t know what you got until you loose it”*


*That can be very true and can bring people back together*.


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## Kelgirl (Dec 30, 2012)

Mr Blunt...thank you so much for responding.. highly appreciate it. 

I think it would be a bit more easier to leave if my daughter was on her own. She does not have a vehicle - some days her dad takes her to work and some days she use my vehicle.

I am in counseling and it is definitely helping me to deal with the way things are. Counselor told me to take a step back and stop trying so hard. I felt like if I decide to leave, I can say I did try. She told me to stop trying...because its not working and she is right.

My husband is content the way things are and not trying to understand how I feel. Again we get along for the most part more so as friends and roommates.

I have a health complication don't want to go into detail but several months ago I shared with my husband I don't know how much longer I can work...sitting all day puts a strain on me.. well he told he I have no choice.. that was like a slap in my face. I thank God I have a small sparkle in my life right now..it also helps me to deal with all this.

Thanks again for responding. 
KG


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## idkwot2do (Dec 29, 2012)

You will eventually leave , or you will waste more time ( years) trying to decide what to do. But your daughter is 20 shes grown, you have done your job and put her happiness first for 20 years. Now find your happiness because she loves you she wants her mother to be happy. Do what you must do to save your marriage or end it. Do something.....


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## idkwot2do (Dec 29, 2012)

I should take my own advice. But we all deserve to be happy! I wish you the best!


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

NOthing else to say besides what Blunt said. I agree whole heartedly.. at least LEAVE with the intention of making the marriage better... NOT when you're "done" at least JOLT him up and see how he acts. 

Too many men like myself got left without any kind of jolting. Now? Looks very bleak. So I must move on, tired of the hurt, tired of bawling my eyes out becaus I lost my family. I'm in my 30's with a 3yo daughter, so it's rough on me. I get to see my kid MAYBE 1 day a week. if that. 

Please, at least give him a chance to see it!


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## Kelgirl (Dec 30, 2012)

Zanne said:


> You alluded to this before. Is it someone else in your life?
> 
> You said that your husband didn't grow up saying "I love you" but if you've been married 28 years he has lived with you longer than his parents - or maybe not - I'm just guessing? I've been married 23 years and I realized this recently. Something to think about.


*That's a good thought..he's been with me longer than his parents.. I never looked at it that way...good point.

I have a special friend.. nothing sexual. I will not leave my husband for another man. I do not see this person... talk on the phone here and there. They are divorced and want to get married one day..they understand that I do not want to get married again.. I wish them the best.

If I decide to leave my husband, I just want to be alone for a while not get tangled up with a man...not looking for love mumbo jumbo... I may find an older gentleman to spend time with nothing serious..just enjoy each other's company.*


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