# Disciplining Question



## Cherry

If parents disagree with a discipline, do you go ahead and do the discipline and discuss later, or does it not happen and you discuss?

For instance:

Last night, my son was being bad (go figure) and had been all evening... my H was tired of him picking on his sissy and before long he was putting him to bed 30 minutes before bedtime as a discipline... he's 4. Anywho, I raised a stink because I did not think he would "get it" or understand why he was really being sent to bed early, so I got my son out of bed and took him outside to get him away from sissy and H and an argument between my H and I ensued at that point.

Not sure who is right here, just looking for thoughts... and I'm a big girl, I can take it if I was wrong for getting my son out of bed... I have just read conflicting thoughts on this form of discipline and his age, I just don't think he'll understand. Thought?


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## Mavash.

What matters most is that you back each other up. The person that should have gotten your son up is him not you.

What you do is discuss this with your husband in private but in front of your son you present a united front.


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## CLucas976

I think that if the discipline is reversed that immediately, it sets a false idea in your childs head. It fails to give the parenting "unit" appearance, and instead turns into being able to play mom against dad and vice versa when the child gets older.

My mom used to have a "look" kind of like a code word that signaled to her now ex that they would need to further discuss these things privately. And they would. I don't think sending him to bed early is harsh, especially if there was a "if you don't stop bothering your sister you're going to bed early" preceding it.

A quick discipline like that I think should be left alone and discussed later, maybe it never happens again, but he is not going to be scarred in the slightest because he was put to bed early for bothering his sister once in his life at the age of 4. I think that one was light enough where it's ok to let it go and discuss it later.


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## turnera

Cherry said:


> Anywho, I raised a stink because I did not think he would "get it" or understand why he was really being sent to bed early, so I got my son out of bed and took him outside to get him away from sissy and H and an argument between my H and I ensued at that point.


Of course you should agree beforehand on what to do but, once a discipline is done, NEVER go back and undermine what the discipliner did (outside of abuse). You should not have taken him out of the bed. I don't blame your husband for being mad at you.


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## MrsOldNews

I agree with the others and furthermore believe a 4 year old is old enough to understand such a consequence for his actions, I mean he's 4 not 2.


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## turnera

Definitely old enough.


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## Cherry

Thanks y'all. I had a feeling I was wrong... But the softee in me couldn't stand that he had to be alone in the dark room, with everyone else up talking and carrying on within ear shot of him. It was a weak moment in parenting I guess. Guess I owe H an apology.


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## costa200

Next time your H disciplines the kid he will probably try to get you to get him off the hook. Be inflexible.

If you disagree talk later. A parent unauthorizing the other is a very bad idea IMO. 



> But the softee in me couldn't stand that he had to be alone in the dark room,


That's why you're the mommy. 



> It was a weak moment in parenting I guess.


We all have them.


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## one_strange_otter

This was one of my biggest sticking points in my marriage. I needed order and she wanted to make them happy no matter what. Wouldn't let me use a paddle because one was used on her inappropriately as a kid so she just didn't trust me at all to not go overboard. Wouldn't let me spank even with my hand. Just believed whole heartedly you can just talk to a child and get them to understand like we're in Mayberry or something. That lasted until my daughter hit about 8 years old and it was getting out of hand. Wouldn't do what you asked. Talked back. The whole thing. So I told her, look we tried it your way for 8 years. It's my turn now because she's gonna be 100 times worse as a teenager if we don't fix it now. She reluctantly agreed and I waited for my opportunity. My daughter started talking back about something and refused to clean up a mess. I told her I was counting to 3 and then it was belt time. She didin't believe me and I started counting. On 3 I grabbed her arm and pulled her to the bedroom. I made the younger two and my wife stand at the door to watch. I gave her 3 good licks on the rear. Not quickly like I was in a rage but very calmly explained why she was getting punished and stopped in between licks to make sure she understood why this was happening. Sure she cried. But I never even had to get to 2 again without any of the kids hopping up and I haven't had to spank them again since with the one exception of something my middle child did with his bb gun. 

Once we are divorced I really don't know what the future holds as far as attitude adjustments go. Shes used to being able to just throw her hands up when they get out of control and sending me in for "containment" purposes. lol....


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## turnera

Cherry said:


> Thanks y'all. I had a feeling I was wrong... But the softee in me couldn't stand that he had to be alone in the dark room, with everyone else up talking and carrying on within ear shot of him. It was a weak moment in parenting I guess. Guess I owe H an apology.


 I sense a weakness in you toward your child that is NOT going to do him any favors. My DD21 knew, growing up, that my rule was the rule (or her dad's) and that's just how life is when you're a kid. When you start giving them choices, they get confused and unsure. And, being the youngest, they SHOULD be going to bed earlier than the older kids; they need more sleep.

Show him you love him but don't make his happiness more important than what your parenting requires you to do. Kids are going to be unhappy from time to time. It's how they learn to deal with the world.


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## kag123

This happens pretty frequently in my house. H and I try to discuss discipline strategies during quiet times, for example once the kids are in bed for the evening - preemptively to come to agreements before anything happens. No amount of discussing beforehand though can prepare you for some of the things the kids are going to do, and how each of you will react in the heat of the moment. So there have been times where DH is a little too harsh IMO. My kids are a bit younger - 2.5 and 3.5 and they are both at frustrating ages right now.

What I do in general is allow DH to follow through with whatever discipline he has deemed necessary. (We don't hit/spank as a rule so his harshest punishment would be something like what you said - shutting them into their bedroom.) Once the offender has been sentenced, DH and I will generally go into another room out of earshot of the kid being punished and I will discuss quietly with him why I disagree with what he just did. Sometimes he gives me good justification and I let it go. Sometimes he feels guilty and realizes he overreacted, in which case HE goes to talk to the kid who got punished and apologizes for his harsh reaction.

We rarely take back a punishment - but we both have apologized to our kids if we feel like we lost control of ourselves and overreacted. I still make sure they understand what they did in the first place to land themselves in punishment but try to make sure they understand we both love them and we are both interested in being fair in discipline.


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## that_girl

Yea. We don't undermine our discipline choices here. You basically told your son not to respect Daddy's word/discipline.

I would have left him in bed, talked to H about going in and talking to the child about WHY he's in bed. Four year olds are smart. Smarter than we think. 

But y'all have to come across as a solid unit when parenting. Maybe next time, tell your son/daughter you and Daddy are going to go talk about what to do with him...and go talk for a couple minutes so you have the same idea of what to do.


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## that_girl

I'm not here to make my kids happy. I'm here to raise productive humans. Sounds cold, but it's truth. We have fun, we do fun things, but my goal is not "happy". My goal is "responsible, hard working, and productive."...and sometimes, it just plain sucks to be so consistent! LOL!


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## FirstYearDown

If more parents thought like that_girl and turnera, there would be less spoiled brats in the world.

My dad would undermine my mother, but that was because she was abusive. He would say: "Don't swear at the children!" or "The child is trembling. It is not good for our kids to be too afraid of you."


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## that_girl

I'll say that sometiems I'm not happy with how H handles things, as he sometimes isn't happy with my way either. But we support at the moment and then discuss it later. Always a solid front.


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## momtwo4

Cherry said:


> If parents disagree with a discipline, do you go ahead and do the discipline and discuss later, or does it not happen and you discuss?
> 
> For instance:
> 
> Last night, my son was being bad (go figure) and had been all evening... my H was tired of him picking on his sissy and before long he was putting him to bed 30 minutes before bedtime as a discipline... he's 4. Anywho, I raised a stink because I did not think he would "get it" or understand why he was really being sent to bed early, so I got my son out of bed and took him outside to get him away from sissy and H and an argument between my H and I ensued at that point.
> 
> Not sure who is right here, just looking for thoughts... and I'm a big girl, I can take it if I was wrong for getting my son out of bed... I have just read conflicting thoughts on this form of discipline and his age, I just don't think he'll understand. Thought?


I know it's hard, but I don't think you should have interfered in this way. Instead, you needed to talk to your husband privately about it so HE could do something about it, and the two of you could reach an agreement. I've had to learn this the hard way though. Discipline is a hard thing--especially when two parents are trying to work on it together.


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## that_girl

Imagine if your husband undid YOUR decision like that?

I know i'd be PISSED!


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## turnera

And it's not just sending the wrong signal to the child. You are undermining your husband and TELLING him that you are better than he is at raising children and that you don't admire him. Do that enough times, and he'll be gone.


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## that_girl

Or he'll stop being involved in the discipline and you'll be 'the bad guy'.


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## blujonny

I think it's important to be physically worn out by the time they go to bed. That could involve them getting their energy out at a park or otherwise. The thing as a parent to remember is that you can't just expect that your kids will wear themselves out by being in the house or yard or by running around the grocery store. Also, kids need 'pack exercise' meaning they need family walks. It builds bonding, discipline and trust on top of exhausting physical energy. And kids need to be acknowledged for their skills, talents, and interests, that way they don't act out so much. If your kids are acting out before bedtime it's most likely there's still physical energy there or there's possibly a lack of feeling satisfied over the day's events.


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## Cherry

turnera said:


> And it's not just sending the wrong signal to the child. You are undermining your husband and TELLING him that you are better than he is at raising children and that you don't admire him. Do that enough times, and he'll be gone.


My H has been harsh on our son before. And in some cases it's borderline abuse or flat out abuse that I have called him on.... He admits that and it's due to his temper, his short fuse, his upbringing, his POS father, and the list goes on. 

In my defense, I had asked my H if it was okay to call our mortgage company, because I knew it was going to be a fairly lengthy call. He said he's got the kids, don't worry about it, they'll be fine. 10 or so mins into the call, I hear my son screaming. I finish up my call, my son is still screaming and I asked what happened, he said that he was picking on sissy... no surprise there, and that he was tired of it so he put him to bed... Meanwhile, he is screaming and would've for the next 30 minutes.

I still think the punishment itself was too harsh considering our twins fight like cats and dogs naturally. And like TG suggested, it's advisable to discuss the punishment prior if at all possible. If my H had waited for me to finish up the call and suggested we go ahead and put him to bed for misbehaving and he had exhausted any other possibilities, which he did not even try, other than sitting on the couch and yelling "leave your sister alone"... That kind of redirecting a toddlers attention is pretty weak.


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## turnera

What are you guys doing to address his temper?


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## CLucas976

one_strange_otter said:


> This was one of my biggest sticking points in my marriage. I needed order and she wanted to make them happy no matter what. Wouldn't let me use a paddle because one was used on her inappropriately as a kid so she just didn't trust me at all to not go overboard. Wouldn't let me spank even with my hand. Just believed whole heartedly you can just talk to a child and get them to understand like we're in Mayberry or something. That lasted until my daughter hit about 8 years old and it was getting out of hand. Wouldn't do what you asked. Talked back. The whole thing. So I told her, look we tried it your way for 8 years. It's my turn now because she's gonna be 100 times worse as a teenager if we don't fix it now. She reluctantly agreed and I waited for my opportunity. My daughter started talking back about something and refused to clean up a mess. I told her I was counting to 3 and then it was belt time. She didin't believe me and I started counting. On 3 I grabbed her arm and pulled her to the bedroom. I made the younger two and my wife stand at the door to watch. I gave her 3 good licks on the rear. Not quickly like I was in a rage but very calmly explained why she was getting punished and stopped in between licks to make sure she understood why this was happening. Sure she cried. But I never even had to get to 2 again without any of the kids hopping up and I haven't had to spank them again since with the one exception of something my middle child did with his bb gun.
> 
> Once we are divorced I really don't know what the future holds as far as attitude adjustments go. Shes used to being able to just throw her hands up when they get out of control and sending me in for "containment" purposes. lol....


Frankly, using a belt and making the rest of the family watch over talking back not only sounds like over kill, its humiliation, and abusive.

reading that made my stomach sink. I'm not all about time outs, long talks, and rainbows and butterflies with kids, but i do believe the punishment should fit the crime.

I mean, it might create a quiet child. But the amount of resentment created is incredible. I really just don't have enough words for my reaction.


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## Cherry

turnera said:


> What are you guys doing to address his temper?


He has been really working on it and he's made great strides... But still he jumps the gun on some things. And while I know my approach to this was wrong, and I plan on apologizing for it  I still feel the punishment was too harsh. I think he was missing my point.. and felt I was just getting on to him about disciplining period. Miscommunication all the way around  I know now I shouldve kept my mouth shut, and instead gone to another room, not in ear shot. and calmly discussed my concerns. Thank gals/guys.

And CLucas... I felt the same way when I read that


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## that_girl

My dad used the belt on us girls.

I think there's something creepy about a grown man using a belt on a little girl like that. No offense, but...overkill and creepy.

All it did was make me fear my dad. Not in a healthy way, but in a "i don't trust him" way. Which is good because he disappeared from my ages 7ish to 21ish.

Cherry, your kids are 3? Maybe get him a sticker chart. Whenever he's awesome, he gets a sticker. When he bugs his sister, he doesn't get one....and have a prize at the end (picture on chart) so when his stickers get there, he gets that prize. In the beginning, when you see him doing well, stop him and say how proud you are that he's being such a good boy!!  

I'm sure you'll have to have something for your daughter too...lol. gotta be fair!

But please, and this is just a teacher talking, please don't refer to him as being "bad". He's a boy. He's not bad. He may make silly/wrong decisions, but that's a teaching moment....but he's not bad. If he hears you say that about him, he will behave to your expectations. 

Build him up! Kids are smart. He'll catch on.


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## turnera

IIWY, I'd look for a parenting class you two can take, like at a church. I tried for years to get my husband to listen about money issues,until I took him to a Financial Peace University class; once he heard it all from an 'authority,' he listened. Not that yours isn't listening, but it may make more of a point if he hears it outside of you.


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## FirstYearDown

My mom beat the crap out of all of her four kids and she did it while she was very angry, so sometimes she caused scars and injuries. Three of us moved out as soon as we could and two of us have needed therapy or meds. I never talked to my mom about ANYTHING growing up because I was terrified of her. 

When I became clinically depressed at age 17, I spoke to others about my feelings and my mom said that choice upset her greatly. What the hell did she expect? Kisses and a close relationship? 

Abusive parents may get obedience, but they are also building resentment and hatred in their children. Tragically, these types of parents always wonder why their adult children don't want to be around them, because they lack awareness.

One Strange, hope you have enough money for your children's therapy bills.


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## GTdad

CLucas976 said:


> Frankly, using a belt and making the rest of the family watch over talking back not only sounds like over kill, its humiliation, and abusive.
> 
> reading that made my stomach sink. I'm not all about time outs, long talks, and rainbows and butterflies with kids, but i do believe the punishment should fit the crime.
> 
> I mean, it might create a quiet child. But the amount of resentment created is incredible. I really just don't have enough words for my reaction.


Praise in public, discipline in private.

I've never used anything but my hand when I (rarely) spanked, but I remember when my son, 12 at the time, pulled a truly knucklehead move and I asked him if he thought he was too old to spank (I'm talking one swat here). He said "yeah". He was, however, mistaken.

And yeah, sorry Cherry, but you were out of line. If anything, I would've given your son a swat for sitting in bed screaming just because he was put to bed a half-hour early. Reward him for screaming by letting him off the hook? No way in hell.


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## that_girl

Basically, her little boy learned that if he fusses enough, Mom will rescue.


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## costa200

> I've never used anything but my hand when I (rarely) spanked, but I remember when my son, 12 at the time, pulled a truly knucklehead move and I asked him if he thought he was too old to spank (I'm talking one swat here). He said "yeah". He was, however, mistaken.


That made me laugh... I bet that lesson was learned.



> And yeah, sorry Cherry, but you were out of line. If anything, I would've given your son a swat for sitting in bed screaming just because he was put to bed a half-hour early. Reward him for screaming by letting him off the hook? No way in hell.


I would listen to GTdad, he is a real pro with 8 qualifications if i remember correctly.


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## Cherry

that_girl said:


> Basically, her little boy learned that if he fusses enough, Mom will rescue.


I didn't say I did this all the time, in fact we generally back the other (we have discussed punishments and set boundaries)..But this punishment I still feel was overkill. I guess I just feel that they pick on one another constantly and aside from restraints for the next however many years, these siblings will fight... Or does someone know a disciplining technique for that? Like right now, they are playing well together... But one of them will undoubtedly p!ss the other one off in less than 10 mins. It's nonstop! lol. So I just didn't agree with sending my son to bed.. but maybe that punishment stops sibling fussing? I don't know, I guess it would have that night


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## turnera

Time out chair? One minute for every year of age.


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## GTdad

Cherry said:


> I didn't say I did this all the time, in fact we generally back the other (we have discussed punishments and set boundaries)..But this punishment I still feel was overkill. I guess I just feel that they pick on one another constantly and aside from restraints for the next however many years, these siblings will fight... Or does someone know a disciplining technique for that? Like right now, they are playing well together... But one of them will undoubtedly p!ss the other one off in less than 10 mins. It's nonstop! lol. So I just didn't agree with sending my son to bed.. but maybe that punishment stops sibling fussing? I don't know, I guess it would have that night


One thing that worked well for us when the kids were young and fighting would be to lecture them a bit on how valuable brothers and sisters are (lectures drove them crazy) and then make them hug and kiss each other. Having to do that generally broke them up giggling and making faces and they forgot whatever it was they were mad about.


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## Cherry

Y'all have given me some good disciplining suggestions, thanks! Time to implement.


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## turnera

Do you watch SuperNanny? You can get a lot of good tips on that show.


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## CLucas976

The one thing I hated the most as a kid was having to sit in a circle and hold hands.

seriously, I would beat the hell out of my brothers afterwards for arguing with me and getting us in trouble. That was my mom's favorite "punishment" for us bickering and arguing. 

It kind of worked, I just made sure I never got caught.


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## Cherry

CLucas976 said:


> The one thing I hated the most as a kid was having to sit in a circle and hold hands.
> 
> seriously, I would beat the hell out of my brothers afterwards for arguing with me and getting us in trouble. That was my mom's favorite "punishment" for us bickering and arguing.
> 
> It kind of worked, I just made sure I never got caught.


lol.. kinda counterproductive . My parents just sent us outside beginning about this age, without them. Probably considered negligent now. My brother was 2 years older, so he was suppose to be "watching" me... He would pick on me all day for "tagging" along. 

Turnera - I may start watching that.. I've seen it, but our kids were much younger at the time and it didn't apply yet. Good suggestion, thanks.


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## turtle05lj

A child starts to understand the "reasoning" aspect of discipline at the age of 3. Definitely old enough to understand what was going on.


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## turnera

My husband and I were just talking this weekend with a friend, retired Marine, about how America could completely turn around if it could impose a 2-year service on young adults upon graduation (or dropping out) - either in the armed forces or in the reserves or in Americorps or some other volunteer service. It would teach them respect for a higher authority (and the realization that there IS a higher authority, which seems sorely lacking today), humility, time management, and accomplishment. THEN they could go into university or apprenticeship somewhere and hit the ground running.


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## Cherry

turnera said:


> My husband and I were just talking this weekend with a friend, retired Marine, about how America could completely turn around if it could impose a 2-year service on young adults upon graduation (or dropping out) - either in the armed forces or in the reserves or in Americorps or some other volunteer service. It would teach them respect for a higher authority (and the realization that there IS a higher authority, which seems sorely lacking today), humility, time management, and accomplishment. THEN they could go into university or apprenticeship somewhere and hit the ground running.


I like that idea. I think the military and reserves still do recruiting on HS campuses, don't they? So maybe instead of voluntary, make it mandatory (with clauses of course, including college) but also offer something less life altering than active duty military in war time. I guess it would be kind of a mandatory post HS... But this gets into more state involvement raising our children, so I don't know.


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## turnera

Oh, I know it will never happen. But it's fairly common all over the world. Just not in America where the government has no right to control us, lol. And look at us. We're at the bottom in just about every list, because we've turned into a bunch of spoiled, expectant, self-righteous brats who now depend on government handouts in every aspect of our lives.

My prediction...in about 50 years, all the upper middle class people will end up in one corner of the country and will secede and start a new country while the 'old' US goes down the drain because we'll be taxing people out of existence to pay for all the welfare, free college, free healthcare, free food, free housing, free everything else. It'll be _Atlas Shrugged._

And I'm not even a Republican! lol

sorry, off my soapbox. 

Back to topic!


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## Cherry

turnera said:


> Oh, I know it will never happen. But it's fairly common all over the world. Just not in America where the government has no right to control us, lol. And look at us. We're at the bottom in just about every list, because we've turned into a bunch of spoiled, expectant, self-righteous brats who now depend on government handouts in every aspect of our lives.
> 
> My prediction...in about 50 years, all the upper middle class people will end up in one corner of the country and will secede and start a new country while the 'old' US goes down the drain because we'll be taxing people out of existence to pay for all the welfare, free college, free healthcare, free food, free housing, free everything else. It'll be _Atlas Shrugged._
> 
> And I'm not even a Republican! lol
> 
> sorry, off my soapbox.
> 
> Back to topic!


Hah, I have the same thoughts. It's pretty depressing when I look back on my generations promise of a better life and what my nice cushiony salary was suppose to provide... Now its disappearing to taxes and healthcare. We 're getting out of this structured rat race ourselves, trying to see if getting back to the basics proves any more satisfying.

But I certainly can see something big on the horizon for what's left of the upper middle class... Succession being one thing... I lost my motivation to work right now. I'm right there where I see literally a 4th of my paycheck going to help something else or healthcare premiums for "just in case"... But instead of fighting it, I'm just gracefully bowing out now. Ive been working since 1990. 

Off my soapbox


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## SurpriseMyself

Back to the topic, parenting requires consistency and consequences that match behavior, both good and bad. 

I like to compare parenting to a work situation. What if you had two bosses who didn't agree on the rules? One says come in at 9. You come in at 9 and the other puts you on probation for not coming in at 8. One says to do the project this way, the other tells you to do it that way. Frustrating, huh? What's tomorrow going to be like? What time should you go in? Will you be working on the same project today as you were yesterday? Will the bonus be the same or is that changing? 

Point is, you MUST be on the same page as parents. The other option is for one person to be the primary parent and the other one just backs you up. But no matter what, you must have consistent expectations, rules, rewards, and punishments. Anything else and you have frustrated kids and frustrated parents.


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