# being agreeable vs a door mat



## nandosbella (Jul 6, 2012)

I make a strong effort to be agreeable and pleasant in my marriage. But where do you draw the line to being a door mat? 

For every day things i try hard to keep my hubs happy. I dont freak out about dumb things. If he wants that for dinner and i dont like it... I suck it up and do it anyway. He wants to sign another lease, i dont. Will it kill me to live here 6 more months? Nope, and moving blows anyway. 

But where do you draw the line? When promises are broken? When compromises have become one sided? When you're sick of giving into the other person? When the issue involves others? 

I often find myself torn between what is good for "us"and what is good for me. Is there an appropriate time to be just utterly selfish?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## regretful wife (May 6, 2012)

Well, I find it depends on what you are agreeable to, compared to what you two decide to talk about further. 

A couple nights ago, hubby took me out on a date! And we had a great night, but the place didn't have great desserts. So we went somewhere else. He wanted ice cream, I would've preferred this little bakery. But we went to go get ice cream. Because I knew it would make him happy. Was it a big deal? No. (also have some problems in our marriage) but I didn't want to fight him. I had some ice cream, and was happy to be with him!

A few years ago, he talked about buying a new toy. I thought he meant a downstairs gym. He meant a sports car. Big difference there. Well, I couldn't talk him out of it. But we talked about it. 

His dream was a Plymouth Road Runner Superbird, but after looking at the safety of those things (plus the price tags, $350k!) I told him no. And he agreed. 
Then he looked into a Dodge Viper. He loved that car. I didn't. The door sill gets so hot it could probably set fire to his pants when he tries to step out! Plus I had horrible thoughts of him losing control, or doing something stupid, so I said no. 
He then brought up a corvette. And I agreed to that. And he still owns it. And drives it like a 16 year old would. 

It is all about knowing when to put your foot down. Big issues you two talk about, and don't just blindly agree.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

The key difference is resentment. If doing something you don't want to do will cause you to feel resentment or any other negative feeling then don't do it. If you can give freely without no bad feelings then by all means do so.


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## nandosbella (Jul 6, 2012)

That's the thing i guess... putting your foot down. But what if putting your foot down threatens the marriage? what if it's not a car but family? Or having kids? Or a job change? these subjects arent just "no, you cant buy that".... One person must compromise.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## regretful wife (May 6, 2012)

nandosbella said:


> That's the thing i guess... putting your foot down. But what if putting your foot down threatens the marriage? what if it's not a car but family? Or having kids? Or a job change? these subjects arent just "no, you cant buy that".... One person must compromise.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think having kids can't be compromised. You either have kids, or don't...

But it depends on the issue. 
Because the compromise might be lopsided, simply because it has to be. And the side that gets the bigger end of the stick better be willing to remember it, and show their gratitude.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

nandosbella said:


> That's the thing i guess... putting your foot down. But what if putting your foot down threatens the marriage? what if it's not a car but family? Or having kids? Or a job change? these subjects arent just "no, you cant buy that".... One person must compromise.


I completely disagree. On person mustn't always compromise. 

Some things are in fact deal breakers like the decision to have kids or not. Either you want them or you don't.


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## PAC (Sep 20, 2012)

nandosbella said:


> I make a strong effort to be agreeable and pleasant in my marriage. But where do you draw the line to being a door mat?
> 
> For every day things i try hard to keep my hubs happy. I dont freak out about dumb things. If he wants that for dinner and i dont like it... I suck it up and do it anyway. He wants to sign another lease, i dont. Will it kill me to live here 6 more months? Nope, and moving blows anyway.
> 
> ...


It is a good thing to be agreeable. I think the line is drawn where your boundaries are. Those are both the boundaries that you personally have to yourself and also the boundaries that you tell your husband about.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

regretful wife said:


> His dream was a Plymouth Road Runner Superbird, but after looking at the safety of those things (plus the price tags, $350k!) I told him no. And he agreed.


Juicer was contemplating buying a $350k automobile? Wow that's impressive, especially considering how much he's complained about not having any money on his other threads.



regretful wife said:


> Then he looked into a Dodge Viper. He loved that car. I didn't. The door sill gets so hot it could probably set fire to his pants when he tries to step out!


Why would a car door sill get so hot that it would set fire to someone's pants?


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Nandosbella, that's such a great question!

I tend to agree with PAC, but I think that boundaries doesn't entirely answer the question. 

I think you should uphold the boundaries that keep you healthy and protect your self-esteem. I'd say if you're being agreeable on many small issues and you're not getting the same kind of consideration in return, then *that* can become a boundary issue by itself. 

When that's the case, you have to find a way to step up and assert yourself once in a while to ensure that you do have your own needs met. Maybe that means sometimes being "disagreeable" in a small way, like saying, "Oh, I'll make that for you next week. Tonight, I'm making this instead."


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## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

nandosbella said:


> I make a strong effort to be agreeable and pleasant in my marriage. But where do you draw the line to being a door mat?
> 
> For every day things i try hard to keep my hubs happy. I dont freak out about dumb things. If he wants that for dinner and i dont like it... I suck it up and do it anyway. He wants to sign another lease, i dont. Will it kill me to live here 6 more months? Nope, and moving blows anyway.
> 
> ...


Being agreeable is an attitude... Being a doormat is letting someone completely control you and the relationship, no matter what's going on and no matter what the issue is. When one is endlessly critical of the other and the only response is "Yes dear", you have a problem. When one always tells the other what to do and think and the only response is "Yes dear". There are people who are abusive of others just because they're insecure, or want the feeling of control over others. And just accepting that unhealthy state makes you a doormat. 

Being agreeable is not exploding at every stressor, no matter how small. Not attacking in an angry and confronting manner over any disagreement, trivial or not.


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## regretful wife (May 6, 2012)

I think the biggest difference here is you let your partner have their fun when it is something you are neutral to.
But when it is something you don't like, depending on the issue, you let them know your stance, and you two go from there. 

The issue though is the big thing. 
If your spouse wants to have a 3-some, and you don't, there isn't a compromise there! And you better take your stance and let them know that! If you don't and let your partner go out and bring home someone for you two to have one anyway, that is you being a door mat! You make your stance known, and tell them no. That is being agreeable, and not a door mat. 
If your spouse loves the theater, but you don't, you can go out with them and let them have their fun and be there with them. That isn't a big deal, and you two can compromise. That is you being agreeable.



sharkeey said:


> Juicer was contemplating buying a $350k automobile? Wow that's impressive, especially considering how much he's complained about not having any money on his other threads.
> 
> Why would a car door sill get so hot that it would set fire to someone's pants?


Well, the Superbird was his dream. But we both knew he couldn't afford it. And the fact that it was a death trap terrified me. 
And that was years ago. Before our current problems. 

As for the door sill, Dodge had the great idea of putting the exhaust vent in the door sill, so you can go deaf while you drive the car. But the exhaust vent gets very hot, and you could probably set a pair of slacks on fire if they were touching it for too long. It could definitley give you some burns if you touched it with your skin.


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## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

sharkeey said:


> Why would a car door sill get so hot that it would set fire to someone's pants?


It doesn't. But it can get hot enough to burn you some if you put bare skin against it. 

The exhaust on a Viper goes through the bodywork on the side of the car. 

Frankly, objecting to it over that is a bit silly, especially when you then get a Vette. It's like settling for glass of bowl of rice, when what you really wanted was world class Thai food. 

The nature of the two cars is utterly different. The Viper is raw, brutal, and is at least 5% testosterone by weight, while the Vette is just an appliance.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

It is a fine line between being kind and being a doormat.

I suggest utter selfishness in only the most drastic circumstances. 

There is no room for being self centred in a marriage. A husband will compromise with a good woman if she is agreeable.

The trick is to maintain boundaries which make you comfortable, while still taking your spouse's wishes into account.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> The key difference is resentment. If doing something you don't want to do will cause you to feel resentment or any other negative feeling then don't do it. If you can give freely without no bad feelings then by all means do so.


This is a great way to measure it


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## nandosbella (Jul 6, 2012)

The resentment thing is a good way to measure. I am building resentment because of my inlaws. But if i put my foot down it could lead to our end. Ive been agreeable to save the relationship. On a day to day basis we have compromise down to a science. both of us are happy and agreeable to one another. But there are a handful of things he wont budge on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

In-laws are tough to deal with. Have you asked him for suggestions on how to solve the problem? Creative approaches that will give each of you a sense of control? Is he allowing his parents to disrespect you?


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## nandosbella (Jul 6, 2012)

in laws SUCK. but what can you do? wait for them to die, i guess... which sounds mean. meh... 

he has agreed to go to therapy. i'm excited about it.. he's not. he gets defensive when i bring it up. 

day to day life is really good, tho. at least we have that. good relationship, good sex, good finances...


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Yes inlaws suck but you shouldn't have to wait for them to die to get relief from whatever they are putting you through.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Not all in-laws suck! 

What is it about yours that creates a problem?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> Not all in-laws suck!


True. Mine were fine. It was MY parents who sucked. LOL


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> True. Mine were fine. It was MY parents who sucked. LOL


Ditto!


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

Keeping things pleasant and being a doormat are not the same things. I can tell you I was absolutely not pleasant to be with for years but I was a doormat. Everything she wanted I hissed and sighed and growled at. I sulked and whined and complained. Then I gave in. Every time. 

In recent months, I'm making more decisions and standing by them. I'm stating my opinions firmly, without whining. Sometimes I get my way. Sometimes she gets hers. But things are much more pleasant. We've both come to realize that we love each other and that means we each value the other's wants and needs. Sometimes it feels better to let her have what she wants than it does to get what I want because it makes her happy. In either case, we've dropped the resentment, criticism and defensiveness from our dynamic that prevents open exchange.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Drover said:


> Keeping things pleasant and being a doormat are not the same things.


I agree. I now think nice people are probably some of the angriest. It bubbles just under the surface as they once again are 'pleasant' trying to avoid making any waves.


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