# Does she want me to leave her?



## 9Iron (Feb 15, 2010)

Hey folks, first post here!

I'll try to be concise, but I've got a situation that has background that the be taken into consideration.

I've been married for 10 plus years and have 3 grade school kids. We live in a nice house in a nice neighborhood and both of us are educated professionals. My wife is from England, which I include only so you understand the culture of the British stiff upper lip that may or may not have anything to do with this. Typical beginning story, we met, fell in love, got married, everything was great, started having kids and the whole suburban snapshot of life. About 4 years ago she lost her mum, which although not unexpected was very difficult on her because they were always very close even if not by proximity. I gave her lots of space and was there for her when she needed but she really has been a little lost since then (a tipping point if you will). We had always enjoyed ****tails out on the deck and going out with friends, but at that point her (and my) drinking started to increase. Like many married couples, we went through periods of time of fire and ice in our relationship, but at this point the long periods of withdrawal emotionally and physically began to become, in my opinion, more and more frequent. 
It was a year and a half later that she got a call that her father had passed unexpectedly in the night. Devastating for sure, but not like losing her mum. She has, to this day, a lot of pent up hostility towards her dad that has never been resolved, and I think she thinks it unfair of him to check out in the middle of the night while her mum suffered with serious ailments and treatments for years. That is when her drinking went right off the tracks. 
I mentioned previously that we both like the drink, but she began to display all of the tell tale signs of full blown alcoholism. She had this mania about her that she would either be absolutely miserable, attack me for any slights real or perceived, and openly profess that she hated her life, or want to dance, kiss, make love, and be unbelievably caring. I seriously did not know which wife I would walk in the door to when I came home each evening. As time went on, however, I did begin to be able to consistently anticipate a wife that was drunk when I got home.
Last May we had a very bad evening of drinking and yelling and she agreed to go into rehab. She did an outpatient program of 12 hour days 7 days a week which was based on the 12 steps of AA. It was difficult for both of us, her learning about sobriety and me juggling the job and house and the kids basically by myself. All of the advise I got from friends that had been through the program is that things would be better. 10 months later I would have to say things are different but not better. 
Without the drink, I can't tap into her feelings or emotional state of mind. As stated above, we had gone through periods of fire and ice previously but eventually it would all come out, usually over a glass or three of wine. We had gone long periods of time without sex, 3 months or more at a time, then eventually she would come around and tell me what was bothering her. I have tried to get her to a marriage counselor but she has multiple reasons why she won't go. I have noticed that when she turns frigid towards me I start doubting myself and the state of the marriage and my whole outlook on life really goes downhill. When we have made love since rehab she's not into it at all and its like shes tolerating it lying on her back waiting for it to be over. I have tried to have conversations about our love and sex life and the basic response is that it is what it is. We have made love (if that's what you want to call it) maybe 4 times in the past 10 months and once when I voiced my concern she said that I think about it too much. 
A few months ago I read a book and started a new approach, change what your doing because it's not working. I stopped initiating sex, but I would wake up every morning and give her a kiss and tell her I love her, not expecting anything in return. I would kiss her when there was absolutely no way that it would lead to sex (when the kids were around, when she's walking out the door to work) to make clear that it was not a ploy to get her into the bedroom. I hoped that she would reciprocate at a time of her choosing and maybe invite me into bed for some adult play time, but that hasn't happened thus far. We had no sex over Christmas, New Years, etc.. so I decide Valentine's Day I might have a chance at it. We just got back from Disney World, I bought her flowers both from me and from the kids, made her dinner, stayed home with the kids while she went to church to give here alone time, and tried my best to help out with the kids throughout the day. I went against the advise I had been following and tried again at bed time. It's cold here, and when she jumped into bed I said that I would be more than happy to help her warm up. All I got was "don't". Did I mention that for the umpteenth year in a row she got me nothing for Valentines Day? I bring this up because a night of intimacy would have been the best present she could give me.
I realize that the post has turned towards sex, but its really more than that and that happens to be best picture I can paint of the distance in our relationship. 
Here's my question, does she want me to leave her? I have told her that I am not content to be roommates, that I already have a sister, and I need more in our relationship. Not just sex, mind you, but to be able to communicate with her on a deeper level than I would a co-worker. I am very, very close to leaving this woman and realize what a ****storm that is going to cause for both of us as well as the life altering effect that will have on our children. But it comes back to this, if she wants me to leave, this is exactly the way she should go about it. Does she want me to have an affair? I have never been unfaithful in the 14 years I have known her, but it seems to me she is pushing me in that direction. Are we simply not compatible anymore? 
I know this is long so I'll wrap it here. Any advise you can give would be appreciated.


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

"...does she want me to leave her? ...if she wants me to leave, this is exactly the way she should go about it. Does she want me to have an affair?"

Have you asked her those questions? Have you expressed the thoughts/feelings in your post to her?


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## 9Iron (Feb 15, 2010)

Yes, many times. She says she loves me, but then goes on business as usual with absolutely no change in her affection (or lack thereof) towards me. She won't talk about it unless I drag it out of her, which unfortunately usually turns into a full blown argument until it calms down. I tell her that I know somethings going on inside her head, that I know that she's not a mind numb robot, and won't you please let me in. I'm not very good at holding a grudge, so usually I am the one that starts being nice to her again so I don't have to sulk around the house. Then it's forgotten and everything goes back to "normal" until I try to address it again.


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## chuckee (Feb 15, 2010)

HI, 

I read through your post and realized that I do the same with my husband when I am very upset with him.I don't talk, go into my shell and hate the idea of sex with him.
The way you described her feelings towards you makes me feel that she is keeping a grudge against you and won't talk about it and is willing to do anything to hurt you. 

maybe you both should seek a counselor...


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Why do you think things have any hope of improving when your happiness is clearly not even on her radar screen?





9Iron said:


> Yes, many times. She says she loves me, but then goes on business as usual with absolutely no change in her affection (or lack thereof) towards me. She won't talk about it unless I drag it out of her, which unfortunately usually turns into a full blown argument until it calms down. I tell her that I know somethings going on inside her head, that I know that she's not a mind numb robot, and won't you please let me in. I'm not very good at holding a grudge, so usually I am the one that starts being nice to her again so I don't have to sulk around the house. Then it's forgotten and everything goes back to "normal" until I try to address it again.


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

"I am very, very close to leaving this woman ..."

Have you told her this? What would happen if she read your original post? If she would be surprised by any thoughts/feelings you expressed in the post, then you need to tell her EXACTLY what's going on inside YOUR head. 

"I tell her that I know somethings going on inside her head..."

Do you know how aggravating that statement is to a person? YOU cannot know this - only the person who owns the head.


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## 9Iron (Feb 15, 2010)

re: D8zed

Yea, I know how aggravating that statement is! At least when I aggravate her I get some sort of response. If she doesn't know what's going on inside MY head then she's purposely blinding herself to it. I tell her verbally, I write her notes, I send love letters, I buy her flowers, but all I get is NOTHING. I don't believe marriage should be a one way street but she seems content to continue on as if we are good friends until I push the subject. She avoids conflict, that is simply her nature and I know nothing is going to change that. However, since she quit drinking and joined AA there seems to be a brick wall that she's hiding behind that no matter how hard I try I just can't break through.
I told her the other night that I was just about done. I told her every thing that I posted above (minus the back story, don't need to rehash that again) and unless something changes I want out. I had told her these things before, a few months ago I said maybe we should spend some time apart. She says that she doesn't know if she's capable of letting me close to her, she doesn't know how to do it. I am setting up sessions with a marriage counselor and she's agreed to give it a try. That's a start. I hope that I can find someone that can give some balance to the AA indoctrination that has been pounded into her head multiple times weekly, that sobriety is everything and everything else comes secondary. Although I agree that sobriety has to be an important part of her life, I am not not willing to let my family come secondary or thirdly in the list of priorities in our lives, something to tend to when the wheels start squeaking but on the back shelf the rest of the time. 
BTW - In case anyone hasn't noticed, I truly think of AA as a cult like organization that can obviously do wonders for some people who are strong enough to make it a part of their life, but for others it BECOMES their life. Unfortunately for me and my wife, she is in a vulnerable state (and has been for years) with a history of depression and low self esteem, this is a place that re-prioritizes your life with (surprise!) AA at the center of everything and nothing else matters much outside of the support group. This is a place that is very accepting and makes you feel like you belong, which is all good, but it also demands that you place everything just a notch below it in daily importance, and I believe is one of the root causes of our troubles we are having because I don't think she gives a **** about me right now and hasn't in a long time. If I was to leave her, I really don't think she would make much of an effort to save our marriage (and I've told her this as well). I just don't think that she values our relationship the way that it needs to be valued to make it last another 10 years.


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