# Is my reponse okay?



## Smalltownwoman (Sep 3, 2020)

When I get upset about things (not to do with my husband...other things) and try to talk about them with my husband, he lets me know in a very angry tone of voice that he doesn't want to talk about it or he takes the opposite side. I am usually a very optimistic person but on occasion I will bring up something that is other than the usual mundane everyday stuff. The last two examples are these. 

I heard about some troubling actions by police in a nearby town and brought it up because it upset me. I try not to talk politics because it upsets my husband but this was so close to home and I thought maybe we could talk about it, to understand it better. My husband got angry with ME for bringing it up. His body language and voice really hurt my feelings and it felt like all he wanted to do was shut me down. His reaction made me angry and we got into an argument with me trying to convey that sometimes I want to share things with him and I want him to treat me at least as well as he treats his coworkers. He is working from home right now so I have overheard his work conversations and know he is capable of being diplomatic and listening with understanding. He eventually apologized but reluctantly. 

The other example happened two days ago. Our neighbors have gotten very loud in the past several months. They've installed a big movie screen in their backyard and are having parties almost every night. I talked with them and they are quieting down a little bit by 10 pm but we can no longer sit in our backyard in the evening because of the noise and movies blaring into our yard. This has been very upsetting to me and I mentioned it to my husband just to share my feelings and he shrugged his shoulders and said they weren't partying (???) and no big deal. He could have at least recognized my feelings but instead it felt like I was getting shut down again. I decided not to say anything because I really did not want to argue. Later he urged me to join him in the backyard. I tried but the movie next door was blaring and people were talking very loudly (over the movie) and it was not at all enjoyable to me. I went inside.

When he brings up troubling things to me I listen with understanding and interest. I ask questions. I am curious and interested in his feelings and thoughts. I am not getting the same treatment. I am tired of arguing about this. So this last time I just withdrew. He did not like that. Now he is upset with me because I withdrew. But I am deciding to go with my own feelings instead of trying to make sure he is okay.

My question is - is this okay to do in marriage? Is it okay to withdraw sometimes?


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

Well..."okay" is subjective and what is ok to some is not ok to others, however; The traditional view is that it's unhealthy for one half to withdraw from their partner in marriage and is not productive in any way. But it happens, in probably every marriage at some point about something. You're not alone and I'm sorry you're going through this.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Has he always responded this way?


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## Smalltownwoman (Sep 3, 2020)

hubbyintrubby said:


> Well..."okay" is subjective and what is ok to some is not ok to others, however; The traditional view is that it's unhealthy for one half to withdraw from their partner in marriage and is not productive in any way. But it happens, in probably every marriage at some point about something. You're not alone and I'm sorry you're going through this.


Thanks. I don't want to withdraw and I know it is better to talk about what is going on but it is so hard when the other person does not show interest in talking or gets mad. Withdrawing this time has felt calming to me. I am not acting mean or anything...it's just that I am anxious about trying to say anything for fear it will make him angry or that it will start arguing again. I am waiting to see if he initiates talking or shows understanding. He doesn't want to talk but he wants to hug me and that feels off to me right now. It's only been a day. I'm sure I'll feel better in awhile.


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## Smalltownwoman (Sep 3, 2020)

ConanHub said:


> Has he always responded this way?


Yes - it is a pattern I think. He is ok with me talking about everyday stuff or positive things but anything even slightly negative upsets him. This has gone on for many years. I have tried talking with him about it but I end up doing most of the talking and that feels wrong and nothing gets resolved. He will not do counseling. He says he will respond differently but every several weeks it happens again. I have done counseling and learned all kinds of ways to communicate in a good way but the pattern keeps on happening. All I am left with is withdrawing to preserve my feelings and to feel better.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Smalltownwoman said:


> Yes - it is a pattern I think. He is ok with me talking about everyday stuff or positive things but anything even slightly negative upsets him. This has gone on for many years. I have tried talking with him about it but I end up doing most of the talking and that feels wrong and nothing gets resolved. He will not do counseling. He says he will respond differently but every several weeks it happens again. I have done counseling and learned all kinds of ways to communicate in a good way but the pattern keeps on happening. All I am left with is withdrawing to preserve my feelings and to feel better.


So sorry. Do you know if he might have PTSD?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

This sounds a lot like my ex. He was extremely conflict avoidant and image conscious, and he was very phony and surface. Nothing unpleasant was to be discussed and nothing deeper then sports or the weather could be a topic of conversation. In 13 years we never had a discussion about anything of substance. 

I remember one time I brought up a news story I'd seen. He cut me off and went on about all of the sports stories he'd seen. He must have felt like the jerk he was because he tried to bring it up later, but I'd lost interest in talking to him. If I brought up something he didn't want to talk about in the car he'd cut me off mid sentence and change the subject.

Is this what you deal with? If so I don't know what to advise because I left him.


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## Smalltownwoman (Sep 3, 2020)

ConanHub said:


> So sorry. Do you know if he might have PTSD?


No - I don't think he has PTSD. He grew up in a great family and is not a vet. As far as I know he has not had any hardships or abuse.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Smalltownwoman said:


> 1. When I get upset about things (not to do with my husband...other things) and try to talk about them with my husband, he lets me know in a very angry tone of voice that he doesn't want to talk about it or he takes the opposite side.
> 
> 2. My husband got angry with ME for bringing it up. His body language and voice really hurt my feelings and it felt like all he wanted to do was shut me down.
> 
> ...


And so now you're walking on eggshells.

There's a distinction that should be made here. You asked if it's okay to withdraw, but that could easily be interpreted as the silent treatment, which is never okay to do to your partner.

However, as many times as he attempted to shut you down, he effectively accomplished getting you to shut down, which is very different from the silent treatment. He doesn't want to hear what you had to say, disagrees with you for no reason, speaks to you disrespectfully, speaks harshly to you, and evinces body language that is aggressive and intimidating. All of that is to shut you up. So you shut up.

To answer your question in that context, no it is not okay to shut up because it's not okay for him to MAKE you shut up. This is not on you. It's on him.

With the way your husband treats you, the question is not whether it's okay to shut down. The question is why does he treat you that way? Why does HE shut you up? Why does he use his manly strength of build and his louder, domineering tone of voice to dominate you and make you shut up?

I have wondered for many, many years why it is that some men make their wives their enemy like this. I found an article about it maybe 10 or so years ago but have been unable to ever find that particular article again. I didn't read it at the time, just thought I could always go back to it, but it disappeared.

A year or so ago, I able to find was this article - *9 Ways We Need To Man Up In Love*. I'm excerpting some of it below that answers my question and also applies to your situation:
_"Women don’t want.....hostile temperaments....."

"Don’t get caught up in power struggles or showing domination when it comes to your partner. As young men, we grow up in competitive environments where we needed to prove ourselves and put ourselves ahead of other men. It’s not the same in relationships. Your partner doesn’t think much of you when you get your way, prove your point, or win the argument. Harsh words and criticism are a turn-off and a soul-crusher. Let’s look to uplifting the women in our lives. Let’s speak to them with gentleness and kindness. Use softer tones and deeper intentions behind your words. Don’t kill her with your words – kill her with kindness, generosity and love.

Manning up isn’t toughening up – it’s about softening up. You may not be the stereotypical image of a “man’s man” when you “man up” in these ways, but you will undoubtedly be your woman’s idea of a “real man.”_

Your husband exhibits some of the many ways in which some men turn their wives into the enemy. There may not be an awful lot of guys who seek out this kind of information, and seldom does anyone who has a problem ever agree to get help for it. Like your husband, most people think they don't need help or just don't want help. And based on the way I am treated and accused on this board by some of the male members for addressing and posting things like this, it seems obvious to me that there are some guys who don't want to be told they need help and don't want to receive help, as well as some guys who don't want other men to receive help either. Makes no sense, I know, but it's the way it is based on the responses and accusations I get from some of them.

So, I'm posting this to suggest you show it to your husband and ask him to read it. However, I apparently cannot offer any assurance he will read it with sincerity and not dismiss it outright. What I really hope is he won't retaliate against you for having the nerve to bring it up to him by yelling at you again, overpowering you again, and shutting you down again. If you do decide to give it to you, you and he should talk about it. Afterward, print out some of the main points and post them on the fridge as reminders so he doesn't soon forget or ignore and then start up again in a couple or three weeks. So he doesn't get defensive and start feeling like you're trying to control him, also add some love notes to the fridge or in his wallet or on his dinner plate, etc. You decide how to express your love to him so long as you do it.

If none of this works or is short-lived, you will have to determine next steps. But whatever you do, stop thinking this is your fault because it isn't. You came here nd brought up the issue of withdrawing without recognizing your reaction to his teatment is not the problem but that he shouldn't treat you the way he does and you shouldn't allow him to treat you this way.

I'm not going to stop trying to help men and women in this manner no matter how some of the guys on this board try to shut ME down. It means something to me to try to offer help if I can to husbands and wives who have no way of knowing this kind of information since they don't or can't attend counseling. As much as I wish there was a school to teach men how to be husbands and women how to be wives, there isn't one. But the internet is full of info, fom which I glean so that you can glean.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

He's a bad listener and communicator. You could try marriage counseling to work on it in a controlled environment. I mean, other than if he agrees to that, it's unlikely he's going to change. 

You might also be sure you have a friend you can talk to about these things since he's crap at it if you really want to stay with him anyway.


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## Smalltownwoman (Sep 3, 2020)

lifeistooshort said:


> This sounds a lot like my ex. He was extremely conflict avoidant and image conscious, and he was very phony and surface. Nothing unpleasant was to be discussed and nothing deeper then sports or the weather could be a topic of conversation. In 13 years we never had a discussion about anything of substance.
> 
> I remember one time I brought up a news story I'd seen. He cut me off and went on about all of the sports stories he'd seen. He must have felt like the jerk he was because he tried to bring it up later, but I'd lost interest in talking to him. If I brought up something he didn't want to talk about in the car he'd cut me off mid sentence and change the subject.
> 
> Is this what you deal with? If so I don't know what to advise because I left him.


Yes - it is very similar. Talking about the weather, what is for dinner, and sports are okay topics. Family is also okay to talk about but is limited to mostly his family. It's as if what I want to talk about is not that important to him but he expects me to be a good listener to what he wants to talk about...which is his work, what is for dinner and sports (ha!). What's amazing is when I talk with friends and the conversation flows easily...humor, compassion, interest, questions, etc. It's so refreshing!

I have to say that this problem has gotten worse over the years. When we first met and for several years he was much more attentive and interested but not so much now. I guess that is to be expected after a long marriage but I feel like there's so much more to share and say and learn about each other. I'm curious about what he's thinking...the good stuff and the worrisome. I'm beginning to think he's just not that curious about me anymore. That is why I feel like withdrawing and why withdrawing helps me feel better. It is space to heal and nurture myself. I can't make my husband be curious about my thoughts or interested in what I'm saying...he either is or he isn't. I'm not a boring person - I have interests, hobbies, opinions, hopes, dreams, etc.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Smalltownwoman said:


> No - I don't think he has PTSD. He grew up in a great family and is not a vet. As far as I know he has not had any hardships or abuse.


Well I don't have an idea aside from him simply being a jerk or not knowing how to deal with non positive subjects with his own wife.


Regardless, it isn't ok even if he had PTSD.

What are you willing to do on your end to resolve this?
This doesn't appear to be your fault in anyway but he isn't working to help.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Smalltownwoman said:


> Yes - it is a pattern I think. He is ok with me talking about everyday stuff or positive things but anything even slightly negative upsets him. This has gone on for many years. I have tried talking with him about it but I end up doing most of the talking and that feels wrong and nothing gets resolved. He will not do counseling. He says he will respond differently but every several weeks it happens again. I have done counseling and learned all kinds of ways to communicate in a good way but the pattern keeps on happening. All I am left with is withdrawing to preserve my feelings and to feel better.


yep, I was married to someone like this for 27 years. It feels freeing to be away from his brand of abuse/toxic nature.
fyi...
he never cared how I felt
If it wasn’t all balloons and roses he didn’t want to hear it
I had to stuff ALL my feelings deep down
Yes, he tried affection after the abuse/he thought that would show hi it was all “fixed”! Gifts galore too 🤢
He disrespected me
He didn’t value me
I was often “invisible”
He took credit for “everything” I did well

It’s a special kind of abuse - and he won’t get counseling? Why do you stay? Please do t say it’s because sometimes things are good! No one should have to feel terrible so another person feels better.

he’s demeaning and unkind. Why stay? He’s NOT a partner and this isn’t what loving behavior looks like.

Does he show other narcissistic traits?


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## Smalltownwoman (Sep 3, 2020)

Yup - I'm very aware that withdrawing, in effect, accomplished what he wanted...which was to shut me down and to stop the conversation. I'm not sure what to do next. As I said, withdrawing is new...usually I have confronted him and after much talking on my part he apologizes and says he will work on communicating better and everything is okay for several weeks and then it happens again. He has been able to get through this dynamic without much, if any talking on his part (other than the initial harsh words, etc.). I'm usually the one trying to reconnect, to make things better, to increase understanding. In reality I am working much much harder than he is on this. So my thought is to sit back, be quiet, and see what he will do.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

he’s completely disrespectful to you and disregards you! Try it with him! Put your hand up like a STOP signal every time he talks about his OWN interests! After a few days of completely shutting him down - tell him he is getting exactly what he gives to you!


Why are YOU willing to give up who you are - to stay with him?


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Your husband is completely disrespectful to you and clearly values his opinions significantly more than yours. Totally unacceptable behavior for a spouse of any sex.

Have you clearly voiced your concern to him, as clearly as you describe it in your post? I can understand going quiet once or twice, but you need to have a habit of communicating how your spouse's actions affect you. If you have and thats been shut down as well, seems like treatment you shouldn't accept.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Your husband isn’t a partner. If he was he would happily listen - give input, suggestions and be fully supportive of how YOU feel! But he isn’t! HE would have spoken to those annoying neighbors every damn day to let them know you can’t enjoy your yard while they are that loud! But he hasn’t! 

you are bending and twisting as much as a pretzel - to please HIM! Stop it! Tell HIM to STOP TALKING when he speaks! See how HE likes being disrespected! It’s not workable since his BIG fat ego won’t even go to counseling! He thinks WAY too much of HIMSELF and nothing of you!

honestly, you may as well be invisible!

how long have you endured his disrespect? How long is this ‘marriage’?


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## Smalltownwoman (Sep 3, 2020)

Beach123 said:


> he’s completely disrespectful to you and disregards you! Try it with him! Put your hand up like a STOP signal every time he talks about his OWN interests! After a few days of completely shutting him down - tell him he is getting exactly what he gives to you!
> 
> 
> Why are YOU willing to give up who you are - to stay with him?


Ok - I will try this. I am not willing to give up who I am.


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## Smalltownwoman (Sep 3, 2020)

I've been married almost 30 years. I agree that if he was a better partner he would listen, give input, and support my feelings - even the difficult ones, etc. It has been a slow slide into this situation. We have grown kids, grandchildren, and except for this problem of the way he responds when I'm upset, we have lots of good times and memories. It would be extremely hard to leave him and I am not in that place yet. I want to try some more things and that is why I am here seeking advice.

I don't think he's a narcissist. He can be very giving of his time and energy to others and he can be supportive of others when they are distressed. It is more about his relationship with me.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Smalltownwoman said:


> I've been married almost 30 years. I agree that if he was a better partner he would listen, give input, and support my feelings - even the difficult ones, etc. It has been a slow slide into this situation. We have grown kids, grandchildren, and except for this problem of the way he responds when I'm upset, we have lots of good times and memories. It would be extremely hard to leave him and I am not in that place yet. I want to try some more things and that is why I am here seeking advice.
> 
> I don't think he's a narcissist. He can be very giving of his time and energy to others and he can be supportive of others when they are distressed. It is more about his relationship with me.


don’t you see how wrong it is that he does this for others but not for you?

if it were me - if he didn’t agree to solid counseling long term to CHANGE his behavior and the way he doesn’t value you - as his wife - I’d move.

he doesn’t hold you in high regard. That really sucks! It sucks even more that you have even doubted yourself.

he’s treated you so poorly you even question whether you should be heard!

he doesn’t make you feel safe! That’s one of the primary things necessary for any healthy relationship!


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Smalltownwoman said:


> I have confronted him and after much talking on my part he apologizes and says he will work on communicating better and everything is okay for several weeks and then it happens again.


There are no consequences for his actions. Apparently, discussing the issue only has a short-term effect. What else do you think you could do to possibly bring about long-term change?


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Don’t expect him to appreciate your new course of action! It’s designed to show him how it feels not to be heard/to be shut down!

he’s gonna be pissed! And THAT is your chance to tell him he needs professional help for the way he has shut you down for years by disregarding your voice! Do NOT be nice about it! He hasn’t been worried about YOUR feelings!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It’s not “as if” he doesn’t care what you have to say — he absolutely doesn’t care. He’s okay with what you have to say as long as you talk about the few topics he’s interested in but otherwise he isn’t. My guess? He could be bored and has lost interest. The clue is how he treats others — and it’s not the same way he treats you.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Smalltownwoman said:


> I don't think he's a narcissist. He can be very giving of his time and energy to others and he can be supportive of others when they are distressed. It is more about his relationship with me.


A little more edumacation for you?

What you describe here is a classic hallmark of the typical narcissist. It's called impression management. Impression management involves a few different narcissistic traits, and this is one of them. To the outside world, they show themselves lively, friendly, charming, helpful, the best person in the world because it feeds their need for admiration. But he treats his wife badly.

Just one trait doesn't a narcissist make, so he likely isn't one as you say. The only thing is you didn't recognize his behavior that caused you to shut down and bring the issue here. You didn't recognize it as treating you poorly. You only wanted to confirm that your reaction is acceptable - your reactions of shutting down as he intended.So, I'm concerned that you may not recognize other behaviors and just deal with them as best you can.

I'm wondering if you are a SAHM and financially dependent on him. It seems like it but maybe I'm wrong.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

And make no mistake about it - his actions ARE designed to keep you quiet - so it can be all about him.


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## Smalltownwoman (Sep 3, 2020)

Everyone's input is very helpful and a lot to think about. I'm not a SAHM but I am financially dependent on him if I want to maintain my current lifestyle. I'm retired after a long professional but not very well paying career. He's still working and has always made a lot more money than me. I have my own accounts and do my own finances but he covers the bigger expenses since he makes much more money. He is rather traditional in his outlook and role expectations, although I have always pushed him to expand that. He has a little bit but not as much as I would prefer. Sadly, I think his way of reacting to me could very well be part of that traditional outlook that condones dominating.

I looked up info about narcissists and it's very interesting. I think my husband has some of those traits. I'm told I'm pretty empathetic which apparently narcissists like. I've done some therapy (my husband wouldn't go) but the work was mostly about learning to communicate my needs better. I've really worked on that but I'm finding it doesn't mean diddly squat if the other person could care less about being respectful...except when they want to be.

My husband is not grandiose but is pretty preoccupied with himself and his "world" which is mostly about his work and his family, meaning his parents and brothers. He'll ask how I'm doing or about my activities but then doesn't really listen to my answers or ask questions. He'll say things like "oh" but other than that is rather silent...no conversation...which sometimes leaves me babbling to fill airspace and wondering if he's present at all or in his own head. I sometimes ask him why he's so silent and he says it's just because he's listening. We've had fights over this because I want him to be more actively engaged with me like I am with him and his interests...but he's not able to do it...and less so in recent years. 

In informal social gatherings that we attend he's also pretty silent unless the conversation is directed towards him and then he talks easily. In his work he's a department head and very outgoing and engaged with staff and at higher levels of government. During this pandemic he's worked from home and for the first time in our long marriage I've overheard him in his work and how capable he is with communicating respectfully even in heated situations. It's been a real eye opener! I've talked with him about this and asked him to treat me the same, if not better, than his colleagues. He's silent when I say this...but if I talk long enough then he says he'll try to respond to me differently. But his disrespect keeps on happening in a cyclic fashion every several weeks. 

If the tables were turned and he told me I was being disrespectful I'd bend over backwards to make sure he knew I was sorry and understood I hurt him and then I would do everything in my power to change so I didn't hurt him again. Isn't this what people normally do?

So this is how the cycle goes --- (it's helping me to write it out...)

I bring up something to talk about (I try very hard not to disturb him and to be respectful - on the rare occasion I have been emotional but that's only because something very disturbing has happened).​​He responds with cutting words and an angry tone of voice meant to shut me up.​​I get hurt and tell him to treat me more respectfully.​​He tells me to give him a break (for behaving that way) because he's tired from work...that I should excuse his bad behavior and would do so if I were a more understanding wife (???).​​This pushes me over the edge into full argument mode as I try to get through to him how hurtful and disrespectful he's being. I try to be calm and straightforward...to the point and clear. I ask him what he's thinking.​​Meanwhile he stays silent which makes me feel very confused and angry...like am I making any sense at all?​​Eventually I have to withdraw or go nuts because he starts behaving like he's the wounded one (cowed head, hands over face, looking anywhere but at me) and his body language communicates that I'm making his life miserable.​​A day will go by and then he will reach out to me. He'll say "I'm sorry I upset you" but will NOT talk about why or how. If I try to talk more about it to understand things better he'll return to silent mode. He sometimes says let's talk more later but then if I bring it up he's usually not ready to talk.​​For several weeks things are better. Mundane conversations. Do activities like walking or gardening. And then I'll say something that starts it all over again. I'm almost always caught by surprise by what sets him off.​​​


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Your husband is a liar because his words don’t match his actions...he apologizes but really doesn’t change the actions to match his words = he’s not really sorry - he’s just mad you brought it up again!

he is a purposeful a$$hole. Know that! Stop making excuses for his terrible behavior toward you! He’s mean to you! It’s unacceptable!

have you done the hand up this week? To make HIM stop talking? To see how he feels when treated so poorly?

you are afraid of him - nothing about this marriage looks happy or healthy. He’s a bully who is controlling and really doesn’t want to be bothered with you.

why do you stay? You do know you could get probably half the assets (including his retirement money) and full spousal support, right?

I decided after being with mine 27 years - that I deserved to be free! To be treated better! To live my life without all the hurt feelings and control and manipulations. I never knew life could be this happy! I no longer walk-in egg shells and worry when he will hurt me next.

as a side note - are you sure your husband isn’t cheating?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Smalltownwoman said:


> Yup - I'm very aware that withdrawing, in effect, accomplished what he wanted...which was to shut me down and to stop the conversation. I'm not sure what to do next. As I said, withdrawing is new...usually I have confronted him and after much talking on my part he apologizes and says he will work on communicating better and everything is okay for several weeks and then it happens again. He has been able to get through this dynamic without much, if any talking on his part (other than the initial harsh words, etc.). I'm usually the one trying to reconnect, to make things better, to increase understanding. In reality I am working much much harder than he is on this. So my thought is to sit back, be quiet, and see what he will do.


Did you ever tell him flat out " I don't care what happened about ...... You don't listen to anything I talk about, why should I listen to you?" and then walk away.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I can understand why you stay. I’ve seen a dysfunctional relationship of an older couple and how painful it is for both of them, but they stay together, and there are many reasons. It’s not our place to judge you for staying. You want to improve the relationship enough to make it tolerable to stay. That might have to come from you changing some of your expectations for this marriage.

I don’t know but I suspect your husband is sexist. You are female and therefore he’s not interested in deep and meaningful discussions with you. He wants the good little wife to stay in her place. When you behave like a person with a brain capable of deeper thinking, you’re probably making him feel threatened in his comfortable spot as the head of the household, ruler of his domain.

If you want to stay married, I feel like you need to let go of the expectation of being able to have deep and meaningful conversations with him. Use your social connections to fulfil those needs. Talk to your friends and family. Join groups of people with similar interests if needed. That’s what the lady I know does. It helps her get the meaningful conversation she’s looking for while staying in her marriage.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Do NOT lower your expectations! He should be willing to at the least respect you and be willing to make you feel like a valued partner!

you shouldn’t have to give up who you are to be married to him! That’s abuse!

if he won’t respect you then have him leave!


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I feel like people constantly insisting a person leave their marriage when they’ve said they don’t want to is disrespectful. Pointing out ways they can view their situation differently, or suggestions on things they can do might be, but not ordering them around.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

AliceA said:


> I feel like people constantly insisting a person leave their marriage when they’ve said they don’t want to is disrespectful. Pointing out ways they can view their situation differently, or suggestions on things they can do might be, but not ordering them around.


never will I encourage any woman to stay when they are being disregarded and disrespected in a marriage. No man either.

why would you encourage someone/anyone to stay and take MORE abuse? It’s like a death sentence! NO!


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Beach123 said:


> never will I encourage any woman to stay when they are being disregarded and disrespected in a marriage. No man either.
> 
> why would you encourage someone/anyone to stay and take MORE abuse? It’s like a death sentence! NO!


Because, some people really ARE NOt going to leave the relationship.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Beach123 said:


> never will I encourage any woman to stay when they are being disregarded and disrespected in a marriage. No man either.
> 
> why would you encourage someone/anyone to stay and take MORE abuse? It’s like a death sentence! NO!


Encouraging a person to stay is different from helping them deal with their situation, and in an instance where you don’t feel you can contribute anything except “leave!”, when they’ve said they are not going to at this stage, you can choose not to say anything at all.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Smalltownwoman How long have you been married? Has he always treated you like this? Do you have children?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Smalltownwoman said:


> All I am left with is withdrawing to preserve my feelings and to feel better.


He needs to hear this. In fact, relay how much it's going to affect other aspects of your life with him, like your sex life. I had to literally tell my husband 'your anger make me not want to have sex with you' before he would be interested enough to look into his anger.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

AliceA said:


> I feel like people constantly insisting a person leave their marriage when they’ve said they don’t want to is disrespectful. Pointing out ways they can view their situation differently, or suggestions on things they can do might be, but not ordering them around.


oh no... totally encouraging someone to stay in a marriage - when they are being squished and silenced To the point of losing their sense of Self... that will never be what I encourage.

you go ahead and encourage people to stay miserable being married - at least we know your agenda = stay married at any cost.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Beach123 said:


> oh no... totally encouraging someone to stay in a marriage - when they are being squished and silenced To the point of losing their sense of Self... that will never be what I encourage.
> 
> you go ahead and encourage people to stay miserable being married - at least we know your agenda = stay married at any cost.


I think you missed my point. It's not about encouraging people to stay, it's about listening to what they tell you and accepting that they have the right to make their own decisions. You say they are being 'squished and silenced' by their partner, but you're advocating for people to do the same thing to them on a forum. Instead of being given a safe space to tell their story and receive support, they are pushed away, further traumatised.


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## Violet28 (Oct 4, 2018)

I'm not sure if this applies to your relationship but men are action oriented. If you are trying to share things that you are worried about but just venting, he has likely tried to help find solutions in the past and been ignored or felt that you didn't take his advice. Venting just to vent does not always make sense to men. If it's a recurrent issue, he is probably sick of hearing about it and gets angry when you bring up as perhaps he's tried to help in the past to no avail.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

AliceA said:


> I think you missed my point. It's not about encouraging people to stay, it's about listening to what they tell you and accepting that they have the right to make their own decisions. You say they are being 'squished and silenced' by their partner, but you're advocating for people to do the same thing to them on a forum. Instead of being given a safe space to tell their story and receive support, they are pushed away, further traumatised.


i work with the info the poster gives. Advice is given here - it’s a forum! They can take what they want. They can leave advice not wanted behind.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

OP, look up boundaries and consequences. With a narcissist, it is one of the only ways you can be married to one and retain your sanity.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Any update original poster?


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