# What should i do, Wife planning on moving out, suspicion of emotional affair



## justhonest (Jul 12, 2008)

Here is my story, My wife and i have been married for 5 years and been together 6 1/2 years. i am 32yrs and she is 27yrs old. Our past 5 yrs of marriage has been great, we travelled, adventured new things, experienced the struggles of life after college together as we pursued our goals and dreams. We don't have any kids. We also as in every marriage had our struggles such as fightining over unnecessary stuff like driving directions, difference in opinions, etc. 
our backgrounds are different in that, i grew up in a house with a strong love bond b/n my parents (never ever witnessed my parents fight on saw love). On her part, she grew up with her mom divorced but married to another man who she called dad. Her relationship with her father from what she told me was resentment as her mom did not potray him in a good light though she mentioned the support he strived to provide her and her brothers. Her mom from her description was also manipulative with men, she never held a job, depended on my wife grandmother for all her finances as well as other men,she cheated on her husband, used her to solicit money for her own, took her with her when she saw her lovers and never allowed her to question anything as well as blame her for her failures.
When i met my wife, i noticed in our discussions how she hated lots of what she went through as a child but had never got it out of her chest. She still had a lot of love irrespective of everything and strenght to be able to manage on her own which was a commonality b/n us.
Fast forward to last year, we went through a lot, my wifes mom's second marriage finally caught up to her cheating ways and she separated with her husband, her mom at the same time is also going through cancer, loosing her house as she finally has to come up with her own finances. On our end, we discussed a 5 year plan in which we bought a house, will pay of debt, she would pursue a better paying job that reflected her career goals to help and support us as my income basically paid for most of our stuff and hers only paid for her loans and recreatinal interest. mY wife after college has not been able to stay at a job, she always found a reason (most of which was her not liking someone who had a stronger presence that her) to quit. We have had talks in regards to her proactiveness as she seem to only be reactive in her jobs normally when she either did not like someone there or did not feel the sense of belonging, whether it been the little social groups at work, etc.
As all this was happening, i ws very supportive, i searched for new jobs for her as she was frustrated again with her current job and boss, i encouraged her to pursue better things as her qualifications reflected but she came across very lakadisikal. This led to arguments sometimes as it seem she was frustrated all the time but doing nothing about it. i became very confused, thought she did not care about our plan and began hurting. I told her i was going to hold off talking about her job as it only led to arguments. I internalized the hurt from the situation with the thought that her own realization will lead her to act on her own time. So her boss she did not like left the job and she got a new boss, made some friends, started feeling as part of the circle and suddenly enjoyed the job but complained about the pay. One of her new bosses was a married man with two kids and a married lady with no kids. She went on a conference with them and returned to tell me how the man had marriage troubles and it was all her wifes fault because she did not trust him as he had cheated on her before. She was also insecure about his new frienship with my wife. Sooner than later, i caught my wife in a lie about this guy, saw a love letter she had written to him, a dream note he had given to her about a fantasy dream he had about my wife, and writing from my wife about how this guy was his choice as a man. When i asked her about it, she said that there was nothing between them and all the writing and letters had never been shared with him and that they had talked about their frienship and what it meant and there was nothing there just writings. I asked her to allow me to talk to him and when i did, he came across as he was confused and that my wife might be having illusions and finding ways to push me out of her life. He also said that there were rumours at heir work about them having an affair because they were good friends and he had been asked to maintain distance.
All this hurt me a lot as i for the first time started seeing her in a different light but i loved her and knew i had to be there for her as all she was going through might have made her very fragile to be taken advantage off. She on the other hand became very distant, asked us to separate (she used this word for the first time after a female friend at work who was dating a man in a separated marriage had some talks with her about our marriage). She started saying that she loves me but only as a friend, she did not know what she wants from me, whats she's going through had to do with her and needed to be by herself to figure it out, she needed space, etc. She would also on occasions come home upset only for me to find out that other people took the attention off her male boss(maybe lover) from her.
I also noticed that she had started looking for apartments which she said was for her female boss who needed a place for 6 months before joining her husband who was relocating to a different state. No sooner than later, she mentioned to me that she wants to move in with this lady as she was not happy at our home. I asked her why as i have been supportive and she had the space she needs and i never demanded anything from her but if that is what she wanted, then i support her wish as her happiness is important. The funny thing is that she only wanted to move out after this lady's situation. My wife claims she is not influenced by anyone else but it just appears so and her mother off all people also says she is.We started seeing a counselor which i initiated, who blamed me for not making my wife feel special. It just seem to me that, though i am the one having to dwell with this, i am the one suppose to apologize, chase and beg after her and understand all that is happening. Am i blinded by love. I am starting to feel like my wife is manipulative knowing that i love and care for her,
This week she has worked 24/7 (actually she has been doing this since this new male boss and friends) and when she comes home, it appears she is trying to find a reason to pick a fight as a gateway to tell me what she probably has been planning for weeks. I have an idea that she wants to tell me she is moving out with her female friend as the time has come for her friends husband to move out of state. 
Well will add more in my next post as there is sooo much more...but i just want her to just be straight forward to me with her plans about our marriage, the purpose of our counseling and the whole i love you but i do not know thing....She is now all about her work friends as she says, i have met most of them and until now all knew our marriage to be a solid rock....
What should i do now, i love my wife and want our marriage to work, the issues that we claim we have seem not to be why she is acting this way, i am not in any way stoppoing her from her independent goals, interest, discovering herself, if any i have always encouraged it for both of us though i have never felt support from her, is she selfhish, i know she needs me now most than ever but she is making it very difficult for me to be there for her....
If she finally tells me she is moving out, what should i say to her? please help...Thanks


----------



## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Wow, that’s a lot of information to sort through. In a nut shell I would agree your wife is involved in an EA. Discovery of the letters proves that. Whether it has moved past that is hard to say, but if their place of business has noticed and intervened then behavior at work must be suspect in the employer’s eyes. I find it odd that the counselor dropped the load on you for your behavior. Sorry to ask but have you painted a brighter picture here than in reality or do you feel the counselor is just biased towards you? Did she meet with the counselor first and are you facing an up hill battle. If the counselor is not seeing your side you need to discuss with your wife about seeing someone else. As far as what to do if your wife asks for separation, there is little you can do but give her the space she requests. You will need to let her know you love her and will support her in what she needs. Let her know of your commitment to the marriage and be consistent and caring with her. As for her youth baggage, that is a lot for a young person to grow up in and she could be carrying some bad behavior from that, to be sure. Continue counseling with this or another counselor and communicate with your wife about the marriage and small talk. Good luck.


----------



## justean (May 28, 2008)

all out here, but it sounds like she is really disconnecting from you.
and its sounds like its happening all very quickly.
we picks or start fights for different reasons.
hers is for personal reasons. 
from wht your saying, there is definately more to this story.
she may not have slept with him. but the thought is there.
but she might be one of these that feels guilty doing it whilst she is with you.
if she moves out and onwards, she can straightaway class her self in her head as separated and in her head she really can do what she likes, and with whom.
if she tells u she is moving out, i just suggest you ask her, 
"give the real reason your leaving",
ok she might not, but she wil know what your on about.
as she leaves the door, remind her the grass is not greener.
she wil know what that means to.
you make a two choices here,
either make a huge fuss and she feels like she has messed your head up or 
2nd - you let her go quietly and it makes her realise what she is actually giving up.
personally i go for number 2. it bugs em real good.


----------



## justhonest (Jul 12, 2008)

Thanks Amplexor,
in regards to your statement about my feelings as to whether the counselor is been biased, i am not sure the counselor is but it stems from the fact that, my wife generalized a situation about a question the counselor asked her as to whether she thinks i made her feel special, she only had one example from our 5 years of marriage in which she did not express clearly to me about wanting to go to a festival but just said, :there is a festival going on" later a friend called and invited us to the festival which i accepted and we both went....my wife used that to overshadow all that i have ever done to mean that i did not make her feel special. This was five years ago....honestly, i have found myself always trying to engage her in coversations in social settings, siding with her opinions, etc to make her comfortable as she tends to shy out and i have a very strong presence. She gives me mixed feelings as to what she wants in social settings, i mean when i am socializing freely with others in a social setting, she complains that i am not engaging her and when i stay next to her also, she perceives it to be that i am been protective, i feel drained trying to help her be comfortable in every situation for her to afterwards nit pick on specifics to be negative about....In my nature, i normally take it as constructive and work on not letting it happen again...i also notice that she tends to make negative comments about any person aside from me who had a strong presence and opinion in a social setting.....this also has happened with people she works with.....Is it an attention thing? How can i help this situation help our marriage, does she need individual help...we've only seen the counselor together......
Also, to clear all biases, i admitted to her that i was at fault for internalizing my hurt feeling about not pursuing to talk about her proactiveness with her job during that one time period because it led to arguments....i genuinely wanted to talk to her but i also did not want to come across as the fixer which she might perceive to be controlling.....i am super confused....i want her to be happy, she says what is happening has nothing to do with anyone else, or the other guy (oh, she admitted to the counselor that she had feeling for this other guy) but herself and us....
i know there is spontaneity in my post because i am still trying to understand the whole picture......i cannot or pinpoint where the issue stands from, i talk to her but it seems like she is bottling a lot of it.....she has been sharing our matters from counseling also with these friends at work that she has only known for a couple of months....she also blew up the other day about been done with taking the blame all the time....the only examples she gave were blames her mom placed on her with none from our marriage.....please help, is it a stage of self realization in becoming a woman that she is going through.....how do i cope with it, tolerate the distant and provoking way she treat me as well as any suspicion of cheating that she has to come face to face with.....
i will keep posting as your questions help me decipher...i appreciate a lot


----------



## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

I’m not a trained counselor or have any experience in psychology so I can only draw from my common sense and instincts in your post. Based on her upbringing and some of the strange behaviors, jobs, blame… I would guess that she could benefit from counseling on an individual basis. I think there is too much there under the surface for anyone but a professional to deal with effectively. Have you suggested this? Since she has admitted her feelings for TOM then that answers the EA question. The next question is whether he is interested also. In order for her to disconnect from him she will need to end all contact. Working for the same employer is obviously a problem but if she follows her pattern she may resolve that issue on her own.  Continue counseling and communication with each other. There looks to be several issues to work through here.


----------



## idontknow (Jul 27, 2008)

I feel your pain and frustration. I'm going through a simliar situation with my wife right now. She also had a simliar childhood like your wife. We dated for about 6 years and married a little over a year now. Unfortunately our marriage started going downhill 2-3 months ago. I also suspected an emotional affair...come to find out she was sharing her feelings with an old friend that she dated a couple years before I met her. I confronted her about it, of course she denied at first. Now she is telling me she does not believe in marriage anymore and does not want children anymore. She is also looking for apartment now so she can move out. I told her I still love her no matter what and want to work it out. I suggested conseling but she does not want to go. I still do nice things for her but seems she does not appreciate it. Honestly, I can't put all blame on her though. I'm sure i'm at fault also. I think we lack communication over the years. I want to talk now but she does not, it's so frustrating! There's a lot more to the story but i tried to keep it short. I am at complete lost like you. (I think i'm going to lose her.)


----------



## justhonest (Jul 12, 2008)

Thank you for your post idontknow, i also feel your pain and i'm sure i know how you are feeling, my wife also is treated me the same way, saying the same things, i.e. i do not know what i want from you, agreed to go to counseling but says that she does not think the outcome of counseling is going to make her feel any different, she does not see me in her future as a partner anymore, does not see herself having kids with me all of which she used to want with me....at the same time she shows no remorse for her emotional affair and how it made me feel and does not appreciate all the nice things i still do for her...She still tells me she loves me and her love for me has not changed but for right now she only feels friendship towards me. One thing i noticed is that she plans everything in secrecy and tells me at the last minute...like last night, after a couple of days of trying to provoke a fight, she wanted to talk to me only to tell me she was set on moving out, i did not put up a fuss, i asked to know the reason why? and she said she is not happy, she feels it most than ever that this is what she needs for herself, i told her i will support her as that is what will bring her happiness, but when we talked about how things will work out during this period in regards to our marriage commitments, she had not thought it through and said she does not know.....Hang in there my friend and keep loving her and supporting her but be careful not to get taken advantage of because we can be blinded by love.....i have told my wife exactly how i feel about her, how i want to work on the marriage and all the issues in it, then i back off for her to have all the space she wants and i am just taking care of myself......At this moment i am giving her time (please advise if this is not a good idea) to figure things out as she claims, then talk to her about the next step as we cannot let it drag on forever....the pain is horrible and the things she said were disheartening to hear......In regards to the emotional Affair, she claims there is nothing going on, when i asked her how it happened, she said that i hurt her during the period of quiteness when we were having issues and this TOM guy lent an ear and was there i i wasn't. (we know who they are, they write caring notes, tell the fragile ladies how they cannot believe how blinded their husbands are not seeing how lucky they are to have her, meanwhile, they cheat on their wifes, etc) and her weakness led to her having these feelings for this guy...she said she never declared it to him but only wrote them down which i found, trust me it was devastating, all the things she once wanted with me, she now wanted with him and in no way ocould see me in it.....now she says it was an infatuation....also she has treated me this way and when she thinks of it, subconciously it was revenge but all this has made her realize what she wants for herself leading to our current situation of near separation....
So there is a lot going on but i say just keep loving her and supporting her, Couseling will be good if you can get her to go, and keep talking to her...i'm sure there is more that she will gradually spill out...but it takes time...mine has already been 6 months....good luck...hope things work out


----------



## tangerine (Dec 17, 2011)

I went outside my marriage 2 times. Not really to cheat, but after 5 years of conflict with my husband and alot of trauma from my past....I accidently met guys in my workplace who are police officers and they seemed like safe people to talk to about my marriage problems and issues and to just have someone around for protection. Well....of course they ended up wanting sex....I didn't and had to break it off. So, to make a long story short. My trauma didn't seem like trauma at the time. For me I was going through life believing it was everyone else...and then this year discovering that I am the one who is dysfunctional. I mean my husband is as well, but I certainly have my own set of issues and stemming back from childhood. The terrible thing about these past 5 years is I would pick fights with my husband and feel miserable. When I went outside my marriage I was angry if he even questioned me over it. In a way, I think my husband is taking the brunt over my love/hate ideas about men. On the one hand they are disgusting pigs, but yet I want to feel that heroism and strength from a man. So, I am very sorry for your situation and the only thing I can say is that your wife like me has to really come to see that she is destroying herself. Sometimes, like me ....she will have to hit rock bottom first. She might really love you, but running away from herself and committment. If you really love your wife and committed for a lifetime, then you may just have to stick in there trying to reason with her and get her help and maybe even wait for her to fall. There is a movie out there about a woman who has suicidal depression. It is called: HELEN and it shows the dedication and the heartbreak this husband had to go through before his wife had a meltdown and finally hit rock bottom and eventually he got her back, but he really suffered through it. Most men would divorce if their wife was acting in this way....so it shows your committment and heart of gold to stick by her....and I guarantee you she just does not see the truth of her situation at the moment. She does not understand she is suffering inside and doesn't realize fully to what she is doing to you. All you can do is divorce and let her hit rock bottom or stay and wait for her to hit rock bottom. You need to keep yourself healthy as well. Gain a really good support network around you and find things to keep yourself occupied and happy. The counsellor is wrong. while maybe you might possibly be insensitive to your wife....who knows....that still does not explain why is going to these extremes, especially when you are a willing participant in counselling. All I can say is that counselling can be tough....not everyone is qualified enough or with good insight into the true problem. I cheated on my husband....well...more of an emotional affair and I was blamed for the entire marriage....and yes, I sure did have my own issues, but my husband is also a malignant narcissist who is brilliant at covering his abuse and tracks....and so sometimes we just have to look really deep inside ourselves to see if our behaviour is off the norm and work on ourselves, but your wife needs to be honest with you as well and to make a committment to something. What she is doing right now is NOT the norm and you have a right to know. And, sometimes.....if you really are Mr. Nice....she might be taking advantage of that expecting you to be there through thick and thin.....and in this case you are going to have to set tough, but loving boundaries. Your situation is complicated like mine and with your wife....she will need to check a few things. She will need a health check to make sure she doesn't have a thyroid problem like me that causes anxiety and mental disorders like bipolar and schizophrenia. She will need to be independently assessed by a psychiatrist or psychologist to see if she has a disorder like bipolar or a personality disorder.....and from here....she will be able to get a handle on her issues. Or marriage counselling again, but with one who is experienced with tough situations. You might want to look up Borderline Personality Disorder or Narcissistic Personality Disorder or even Bipolar II and I disorder to see if your wife fits any of these descriptions and if you suspect any of these....you might want to see a psychologist or counsellor on your own to get support on how to handle what is happening with your wife....and even if she doesn't have any of these....the support to know how to follow through. The counsellors will tell you how to create boundaries....to help you out. Explain your story in detail. Trust me...you will get more answers this way and a better chance at getting your wife back. If she does have Borderline or other disorder....they are treatable and she can lead a happy life like anyone else....becoming a better wife and better person. Wish you the best.


----------

