# IS there such a thing as SIGNS of Infidelity?



## hope01 (Sep 8, 2008)

I know that there are obvious telltales for a cheating spouse... 

I have never suspected my husband of this, but the way he has been distant like lately and the way our relationship have been...

He's never really out late, or on the phone(least I dont think so) , most of his co-workers are men...I dont see a real time where he could spend this with another woman... But I have a gut feeling it could maybe be more than us just not getting along, all the fights??? It could also just me being paranoid.... in any case...wanted to see what people can share from their experiences... I dont want to jump into conclusions... but it is better to be aware than not!

~Thanks!


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## Orangerose (Aug 27, 2008)

My husband had started a new job. His late hours started at the beginning of his new job. I did not question that. I thought he was trying extra hard to make a good impression. I eventually found emails on his computer. Not looking for them, I was looking for a picture I wanted from a party we attended that he had mentioned had been sent to him. The emails were sent from his work to him from home. The subjects were changed to things that sounded work related. I had never questioned his faithfulness. I found out that she actually lifted her blouse one day to show him her pink bra. She works with him. I guess the flirting was something he said he was not proud of. It did turn into a emotional affair.


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

It wasn't her pretty little pink bra she wanted him to see. You see this much on tv, mags, and elsewhere. As long as your husband looks but don't touch, he is doing what he should be doing. He isn't blind. Men will look. This girl, on the other hand, is acting like a bimbo (to say it nicely) and should know better. 

A girl flash me her boobs once. My ex gf said, you try that again, and I will shove one up your ugly azz and the other one down your chicken neck.
I guess she was a little upset. :rofl:


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## Orangerose (Aug 27, 2008)

When I saw his emails, I found her work address on them. I sent her a email telling her to leave my husband and children's life alone. I guess this made her feel really bad. She wanted to call me and apologize. My husband told her not to he would take full responsibility. Sometimes I with I would have talked to her.


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## Sweet love (Sep 10, 2008)

hope i just think tha toyu and your hubby are having a difficult time communicatign and oyu need to sit down together and havea long and seriosu tlak about it al.
not make it as grievances but more as thigns who have to be sorted out.
Like what it is that is not working between the 2 of you an dask him what problems there is.
When he comes home tel him that you need to tlak together and give it 2 hours to found out together what could be changed for the better . dont make it into a feud or a "you did" and "you did" , and agree about it beforehand. try as loving persons to found a solution to oyur little problem. Youa re fighting often must be a reason why.
try getting out together more often in weekend, and going out for a walk otgether in the evening thats very good and healthy bnoth for health and for the relationship and oyu cna also talk while walkign and remake some romance.
try to do soemhting together, a hobby home or outside home, try to found common interest and do it or them together that will help.
And specially ahve fun together. if you cna laugh together things will go much better i am sure.
He doesnt have an affair, you jus thave a communication problem. So, communicate more!


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## Orangerose (Aug 27, 2008)

You both have to look at yourselves and give it 100%


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## hope01 (Sep 8, 2008)

He actually has not done anything serious , but his recent change of attitude, more stand-offish seems to me rather out of character for him...

We have just had a major argument a week or two ago, and that could also be it... but it seems even then he was grasping on absurt reasons to want to start fighting with me...to a point of leaving the marriage.

So i am confused. We are in counseling, but he remains very stand-offish.... we still sleep in the same room, but he says very little... and there is intimacy, though no real emotional connection, which really hurts me.... I dont know what to say or do because I feel like I am on the outside looking in and not really know what is happening... He is never one to talk... even in counseling, he does not talk that freely.. so sitting him down and talking only makes him agitated into this one on one.... he's just not that kind of person so TALK.... But if all this is going on, why bother with intimacy if not for the selfish obvious reason on his part!


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

Elliemay said:


> When I saw his emails, I found her work address on them. I sent her a email telling her to leave my husband and children's life alone. I guess this made her feel really bad. She wanted to call me and apologize. My husband told her not to he would take full responsibility. Sometimes I with I would have talked to her.


Yeah, you wanted to let her have it like my ex did. :rofl:


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## Sweet love (Sep 10, 2008)

you are right dont let him have intimacy befroe he give soemthing for the emoptional relation. and ask him a lot what is the matter with him
i do not think councelign help specialy when one or 2 do not feel at ease there and do not like to talk.
sit him of th esofa, take his head in your hands , look at him deep and close into the eyes, and tell him "Hello there, are you goign to communicate with me and tell me what the heck is wrong with you??!! we got a problem to resolve here so do soemthing about it now. What is bothering you? what is the matter with you? are you seing soemoen welse? is that why? what is it you are missing exactly? and waht do you want me to do? Talk now cause i am tired of waiting for oyu to open up an dits draining me completely!"

Then sit down beside him and wait to hear his answer.

That should wake up the dead horse!


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## cao428 (Jun 26, 2008)

Hi Hope01,

From my experience it sounds like there is something going on with him. A change in the bedroom/withdrawal emotionally is the first red flag. I noticed it with my husband after he left on a year long work-related trip. I suspected something immediately because he was being short with me, finding fault, and we were fighting because I reacted to his treatment of me negatively. We had always been connected in the bedroom, even though the relationship was rocky. Men do treat you disrespectfully when they are cheating and then blame it on you..that the marriage is bad and it makes them feel justified. 

I went to visit him during the year long trip mid point and was very hurt that when we crawled into bed he rolled over with his back to me. All that time before I was so looking forward to being with him. I had no clue of what was going on then. He claimed it was because i didn't come over to visit sooner. After he came home I was suspicious, and the end result is I found evidence of an affair, and emotional one and most likely physical one. He had fallen in love (although I am not sure how deeply, and maybe I will never know) with a young woman, young enough to be his daughter. She is the same age as our son. I called her on the phone oversees and asked her never to see him again, and I told him if he went to that country on business again or for any other reason it was the end of us. I believe there is no more contact at this point, but I do not know the extent of his feelings for me anymore. I wonder if we are working on staying together without the passion. I need the passion and romance. He hasn't admitted to anything even though I found emotional writing to her! (go figure that!)

I would continue with counseling, and do not attack him, but tell him how you feel from the heart in a non-threatening non-over emotional way. If you cannot do it alone without getting too emotional then only talk in the presence of the counselor about it. Read all you can online..I have learned so much. Rori Ray is a good resource, as well as Christian Carter and Mort Fertal, and will send you free information although they want you to buy their CDs, but they seem to want to genuinely help women/relationship. Build yourself up by doing and reconnecting with what you love to do.

I feel for what you are going through! Good luck!


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## daddy22 (Sep 16, 2008)

After Mommy's confession to me the writing was all over the wall. I'd say yes there are definitley signs. A change in attitude was one. First, she became much more independant than she had historically been. Second, she became more interested in forming friendships with other women, one in particular, rather than putting time into our relationship. (She had "begged and pleaded" with me for years to be more sensitive to her needs and finally given up). She became much more interested in weekend trips with this friend as well as girls nights out. Don't get me wrong when she went out with her girl friend, that was who she was with, it's just that their relationship took precenent over ours (at least that was my perception). And yes, the first time she was with the other man was on their last weekend get away. The rest of the times were during the day while I was at work. Third, she pasword protected her computer so others would not have access to her e-mail which is one way they communicated! And the fourth sign was that she constantly watched her cell phone and often left it on vibrate. Of course this was the other primary way they kept in touch on a regular basis! Hopefully this will help you (or anyone else) pick up on signs that their may be another person in their marriage.


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## cao428 (Jun 26, 2008)

Yes, they become more secretive in things they do, like emails, hiding things in general. I do not think I will ever get the truth from mine, as he feels he might "lose" by fessing up. 

I still need to decide if I can live with it if he doesn't..but we are in therapy and hopefully he will and just be remorseful enough to help me to heal, and then promise me he won't stray again. The good news is he IS changed and IS treating me a lot better, and I am being more attentive to him as well...baby steps!

As for not bothering with intimacy, follow your heart...if you want to be with him tell him but explain you feel the loss of the emotional connection and it hurts you so you are taking a break for now. It will make him think about it and make you feel better until things move in a different direction. I think it's better if you sleep together, but not to continue if you feel hurt. Just use the words "it doesn't feel good to me because..."

Good luck!


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## Jenni (Nov 30, 2008)

Yeah, after six months on an affair, people get very relaxed and careless about hiding it. You can trace infidelity by credit cards charges, unusual phone charges or calls and hang ups at times you are not meant to be home, new colognes and underwear, meeting buddies/working late/sudden trips out of town/sick friends and family members, strange phone numbers of women in his pocket, no future plans together, lame excuses to avoid affection, often looking away on the dinner table, keeping you away from his friends or family, etc...etc...


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## jgo46 (Jan 6, 2009)

Signs of infidelity... I would have to say yes

This is my first time browsing on here and it is like a bolt of reality letting me know I'm not the only one going through it. 
My husband and I have been married for 9 years now. Just this past September, we found out I was pregnant. We already have a 7 year old son also. I was scared finding out because i remembered what kind of a jerk he became when i became pregnant with our first. He told me no need to worry that he is not the same person he was then. I don't know if he ever cheated on me bak then, but he was always gone and sometimes i wouldnt see him for a couple days.

Well anyways, right now i am at 5 months pregnant and 2 months ago came the change with him. my best friend's mother passed away , so i was spending a lot of weekends with her. He started to go out with friends a lot during this time and i was glad[ I felt he needed to get out more anyway }. Then he just kept spending money a lot and denying it until i started finding receipts proving of him buying a lot of drinks and proving where he was really hanging out at. Even finding the actual PROOF , he would still deny it! amazing. Then i left one night to stay at a friend's house after a bad arguement between us. He called me next day and i asked if he went out... he denied it. I came bak home later that night and he left pretty much clues all around the house that he did in fact go out the night before. Still denied it, but i found receipts in his pocket with the date on it 

2 days later my son came outta his room with a female's earring and my husband told me that his friend had a girl over... AND PRETTY MUCH HAD SEX ON MY SON'S BED! I don't even think i believe that. I found proof of him on dating chat sites not long after that, a letter he responded bak to in his email, and the list goes on. Not to mention he started shaving his back, chest, and arms this last month out of nowhere. He is buying nicer clothes even. All these letters he wrote to women in these dating sites, he claims that his friends wrote those {like i would believe that for a second}. i've seen him leave the house just to use his cell, i've seen where he has looked up trips to far places that didnt include me, and i've seen money come up missing. 
I know he is cheating... or if he hasn't yet, he's looking to. He is going to visit his family supposively in this next week and i don't doubt for a second he plans to meet up with one of these other females. 
If he would come out and be honest and maybe admit he had a moment of weakness and just come clean, then maybe there coulda been salvation for us. But he's taking the other route. 

Sorry for the long story. But to make it short... YES i truly believe there are warning signs. And i feel that the one sign you should pay the most attentiong to is your gut, it usually never let's you down


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