# I have nothing left to give...need opinions



## Razberry (Feb 18, 2011)

Hi All, I stumbled on this site and really happy I did. I would like to tell my story. I am really looking to see if anyone has had a similar situation and what the outcome of it was. I am not sure I can live up to my vows of "in sickness and health" anymore. I have been married 19 years to a man who is a diabetic. I was young and did not realize what that meant. I guess I realized when I had my daughter and finally got out for the day to come home finding my baby running around our apartment in her poopy diaper and my husband dazed on the couch. OMG anything could have happened to her and he would not have realized it. I then knew I could not work outside of the house at night (which I planned cuz his income was low and could not afford daycare). I went back to school for training and have a successful self employed career at home. 

I wanted to be the perfect wife, and I was for a while, I took care of him plus our two kids, we bought a house, I worked, did yardwork, housework, cooking, cleaning and raised my kids. I was mentally and physically exhausted. All he did was go to work and come home in a bad mood. He never really talked to me, there was no affection ever (the only time there was touching was when there was sex and that was not often cuz I was completely exhausted) and there would be very horrible days following when he did not get it. On top of this he had sugar highs and lows. The lows were very bad. He would become verbally abusive, I was afraid for myself and would have to get the children out of the house. I could never trust him driving a car with the kids in it and never let him unless I was there and made him check his sugar first. He resented this. I made a good friend across the street and saw how her husband treated her and then began to notice other marriages too how the men were treating their wives and realized I never had that treatment. I was very sad. I knew something was not right in our marriage but seeing how other marriages worked it depressed me. I tried talking to him about it, he would be good for a week, and then it woud go back to the same. I wrote him a long letter pouring my heart out - he never responded. He was getting angrier and angrier at me for standing up for myself and asking for more. His diabetes got worse and the episodes were very scary. I wanted to make this work and not break up the family as I come for a divorced family it is hard on the kids. Unfortunately along this bumpy road I gave up I could not give 90 and him 10. I told him if he wanted it to work that he would have to prove it to me now because I was done trying. Instead of him stepping up to the challenge he became resentful. I in turn became resentful too. I hated him for a while, really hated him that he was giving up on the life we were going to have and not fighting for me. He has not touched me in six years (I had a bad medical issue and could not for at least six months and he was angry and just stopped) and left the bedroom three years ago. He snores very, very bad and would not use his CPAP anymore so me and the kids couldn't sleep with all the racket. 

When he realized I was not going to help in the care of his diabetes anymore he finally went for the pump. He monitors his sugar but now because of this he finds he is able to drink more (I guess I forgot to mention he likes to drink). One night he went out with a friend and he never came home - things were so bad that I thought maybe he was with someone and refused to call him if he was. In the morning I got worried and called the friend. The friend told me he was in the hospital cuz he passed out from drinking and his sugar was low. My husband told the hospital not to call me. This was the straw that broke the camels back. I was furious. It was irresponsible; he has children. I visited him, but I was very angry. I told him he had to get counseling if he was going to return to the house. He did but there were many fights before he went. The therapist concluded that he is a very angry person because of his disease and that she could not help him anymore. she asked for us to come in together. I was too angry to go together with him so I went by myself for a while (which was wonderful). 

On top of all this we found out that my mother's cancer returned (I am heartbroken I am so close to her) and my father has been very sick since July. I am caretaker to both parents. The therapist has been helping me thru all of this, but it is a tough road if anyone has been through it. My main focus now is to spend time with my mom and enjoy the time I have left with her (of course I balance my time with the family). He likes my mom so he respects this. 

I guess the point I am trying to get to is I have lost all feelings for my husband. I do not love him nor do I hate him. It is hard to live with him now because he has so much hatred for me and I can feel it. He will not even have a conversation with me. He is better when he is on his antidepressent but he refuses to take it. My son graduates in 3 years and I would like to stick it out till then because I cannot support them and give them a good life if we divorce now. Am asking too much for him to do this? We are going to counseling together now to learn how to do this but haven't been there in a while cuz of holidays. We are returning next week. The therapist's goal to have him realize the stress I am under now with the health of my parents and caretaking issues and learn how to live together. I don't understand how he can live the way we are living now. We are both too young not to have happiness in our lives whether it is with one another or without. I planned on living the rest of my life with this man but now I have nothing left to give, am I wrong to completely give up and if I do he may be my daughter's burden later on in life because of his health. 

I am so confused I don't know what to do. People have said that couples can live together, but live separate lives, I know this, but not if there is too much hatred on one partner's part. He is a good person outside of the house to anyone, and puts on a pretend show when we are out together, but when he walks in the door that he changes. I know this is my fault cuz I gave up cuz I couldn't take the issues with the diabetes anymore and his unhappiness and resentfulness is all stemmed from his disease, therefore I did not live up to my vows, but I feel like I deserve to be happy too. Has anyone out there been thru a situation similar to this? I would just love some feedback..........


----------



## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

This is a lot to read, and it's very difficult to read without any paragraph breaks. Could you go back and put in some paragraphs to make it a bit easier on the eyes? There are a lot of us who would love to help you, but when it's all one big, long paragraph like that, it's just too hard to try to read. 

Thank you!


----------



## Razberry (Feb 18, 2011)

Surey, I realized it was long, but needed to get it out. I will try to edit it. Sorry bout that.


----------



## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

No need to apologize. I was just trying to help you out so you'd get some responses and not think everyone was just ignoring you. 

As for what to do with your husband...that's hard. It sounds like he refuses to really take care of his health, and that can be a major problem. I know the vow is in sickness and in health, but when someone has an illness that can seriously change their personality or the way they treat other people, if they won't get it treated or handle the treatment properly, there is a limit to what you can deal with. 

Not to mention, the vow is in sickness and in health, but I don't recall anywhere in there where it says it's also in verbal abuse and anger issues. 

I wish I could give you some solid advice about what to do, but it's a tough situation you're in. On one hand, I don't blame you for wanting out, but at the same time, I also think that since he's now getting treated and counseling, that maybe eventually things will turn around and you wouldn't want to give up on him before that happened. 

I guess the only thing I can really suggest is that you need to do what you feel is best for everyone.


----------



## Razberry (Feb 18, 2011)

Thank you Atruckersgirl, I know what you are saying....if we could get it back, it was there once.

My problem is I don't love him. Is it possible to get the love back? I feel like it is not. I try to remember how I use to feel and try to get that feeling back, but when I reach deep down, nothing comes up. Is there something wrong with me that I can't get it back. Our therapist said we have grown apart. I just want to be happy, life is too short to be miserable.


----------



## Razberry (Feb 18, 2011)

Please, I know this is really long but I had to explain why I am in the place I am in. I would love to hear feedback.


----------

