# How effective is throwing down the divorce gauntlet to wife ?



## frenchmanfl (Apr 9, 2011)

Won't get into long story...did LC and 180, it's worked, wife actually talking without anger, actually brought up MC but still won't commit to anything. Says she misses family but is still worried and doesn't know how to let go of the past.

This did a number on me even though I continue to play it cool. 

In the experience of the many who are on this board, how effective is the throwing down the divorce papers ?


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Effective for what? Here's the deal.

Throw down the divorce papers because you really can't take the fence sitting and you are willing to walk away if your happiness depends upon it.

Don't do it for drawing out a response from your wife in the hopes that she will run back to you with open arms. Mind you, that's more than likely to force her off the fence, but you have to be willing to leave if that's the side of the fence she falls down.

What you are really trying to do is hold onto your boundaries. And one of them my just be that you are unwilling to wait for her to be undesicive. And you are also not going to wait to be her second choice, or last choice.


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## frenchmanfl (Apr 9, 2011)

Your right Alpha, I was on the ball until the LC and the 180 caused her to break. She says she has done nothing but think about us, that she is starting to think about the good times. As mentioned she brought up MC and apparently her Mother was even shocked because last week she brought MC up to her and even individual counseling which two weeks ago my wife said she was completely against, but she apparently was suddenly open to. 

I am just exhausted from all of this roller coaster. I do dream of finding a new woman but then I panic because I love my wife and want to save this marriage.

I do think she is manipulating me but there is a reason. It has more to do then just a fall back position. I know it. She has said she is just can't seem to let go of the past.

Today was a hard day...tomorrow will be better.

Thanks omega...I need to divorce myself from her emotionally. I just worry that that my stone heart won't allow her back in when I know it's what I want. Even though she looks terrible, has put on a lot of weight. She has been there for me and all I want to do is to be there for her right now. She is losing her step Mother and is going through a lot just on her own but she has piled this onto this entire family.

Days I just want to give up and others I want to fight for it.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

frenchmanfl said:


> Days I just want to give up and others I want to fight for it.


Hang in there. I know exactly what you mean. I still love her but see she is playing with me, while at a minimum flirting with another.

Some days I want to throw in the towel and others keep showing her that there is value in our relationship.


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## frenchmanfl (Apr 9, 2011)

thanks TIM, how are you dealing...coping ? Hate this, really do, when all I want is my life back, a new one but for life to calm. Patience I guess is the true battle.

Thanks guys!


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## frenchmanfl (Apr 9, 2011)

PS, I am joining again and going to get back to my yoga. I need it more now than I ever have.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

yes. This is most excellent. Start doing things for you. Man things. Get yourself back. That independent person you were before you lost yourself. This is what defines you. And this is what makes you attractive and sexy in the eyes of women....even your wife. Don't ever forget about or sacrifice yourself or your boundaries ever again.


Now. There's a difference between divorce papers and divorce. If you are serious, then serve her the papers. But do it for the right reasons. There's no rule that if and when your wife gets off the fence you can't work on your marriage. If that is truly what you want, then there's nothing stopping reconciliation when you feel your wife wants to fully commit. The only caveat is that you MUST feel she is ready. Don't sacrifice your boundaries at the first sign of intimacy or affection from her.






frenchmanfl said:


> PS, I am joining again and going to get back to my yoga. I need it more now than I ever have.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

My situation is not normal, but.

My husband threw this out to me last Thursday and I have to say - it galvanized me and BIG TIME!

But, each woman's different - it depends on how she feels about the relationship - if she's ready to get out, it could backfire on you.

If she's not, it could be the catalyst to force change.

Will be her choice...you'll know where you stand based on how she responds short-term and long-term.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

It's not a question anyone else can answer. If I did it, my wife would be on the phone that minute to a lawyer and an accountant. The she would whip out her camera and photograph everything in the house.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Be careful! Many judges look at who initiated the D when making their judgments, and she could take full advantage of this.


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## frenchmanfl (Apr 9, 2011)

Thank you everyone...proof that from one day to the next this roller coaster ride can change. I cannot give anyone any better advice then to contain all of the torrent of emotions in you hidden from your the one your hoping to get back.

First of all the LC is working. I was expecting that a week later she would come running back but one has to be more patient and it the results are more subtle.

I can see the cracks in my wife's wall. At the same time that my head was in chaos last night I sent her a happy e-mail about how I was going to rent a RV and take our 9 year old camping ( or at least as close to camping as my city genes can get. Her response almost sounded sad that she wasn't going with us.

She also said please be careful. I ended up cancelling the RV because it was going to cost too much, but when she told me she had no plans for the weekend, I asked her, let's do something together as a family, for a few hours this weekend.

She responded with a little hesitation but I didn't push and this evening she came to pick up my son and expanded the plan to include lunch.

This afternoon, on the pretext of a hunt for some paper work she sent me an e-mail asking me for my e-mail password and log in. I responded by finding the docs she was looking for and that was it.

This evening she sends me an e-mail about my sons school work, just before I was off to yoga. Normally I would have jumped and responded. I didn't. I got home 2 hours later to find that it had been sent again !!! She sent it twice wondering why I didn't answer. I did when i got home, because the idea is not to be a jerk but rather to simply make her wonder where I was for those couple of hours.

Its a friggin game. I am actually starting to sense that the opportunity might be nearing where I might actually be able to start wooing her as I did when we first me, but I have to pick my time. It';s not now, but her entire demeanor is changing, she is so much softer than just two weeks ago ( when I started the LC ) I cannot stress enough that LC has to be rolled out and reeled in. If it's a constant then any possible dialogue shuts down. My wife will never talk so I have picked moments to just ask where she is and with every passing week I feel her opening up.

Now I have read some stories on here where this simply won't work and who knows maybe it won't in my case, but I am feeling so much more confident ( baring panic moments like last night which were a result of a very stressful weekend. Yoga was great. I am glad I stepped up to that one finally. The urge to tell my wife that this was all I was doing is strong but I won't. It is sufficient that I sent a response at 9:30. It proves I wasn't out all night long but just missing for a few hours.

There are all kinds of factors in this that can play differently for different marriages, so there is no one size fits all, but while anything can happen to turn the tides, there is no question that ones confidence has an incredible impact and I wouldn't have gotten this opportunity if I hadn't asked her to leave the house and put her outside of her element. 

Who knows but as expected, today was a much better day. I am letting go and feeling better day by day ( there will be moments where you fall off the horse but you get back up ). I truly am hoping that mine is a success story because I still love my wife deeply and I believe that she might finally be seeing the changes I had promised had happened but that she was too shut down to notice.

The 180 is absolutely key. You have to become the antithesis of the person your wife left. If you were a clown, become controlled, if you were a sad sack, become happy ( but controlled ). Don't force it, reel the new you out in small doses and then pull back into the dark. Timing is everything ! 

Anyway off to get a good nights sleep after a work out.

Thanks everyone. My messages are starting to get a little more positive. It ain't over by a long shot but if I keep myself in check I could just be one of the lucky ones.

Peace out ! PS everyone on this board has been immeasurably helpful. My only advice to listeners is while these pieces of advice are well meaning and intended to protect those in need, absolutely listen to your heart when anyone tells you to kick your spouse onto the street and to divorce the witch, she is using you. Only you the spouse can truly know ( when your head is clear what your spouse is capable of ) In my case, I took the advise calmly and read the situation. My wife is not out to burn me, she is just going through chaos that I didn't know how to manage. Now I know better and it is calming her and the entire situation down.

I will likely be back...but hopefully to report more progress.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Don't ever pull the divorce card, unless you have every intention of playing it.

Don't try to manage her chaos. Just make sure your own chaos is firmly under your control.

Let her do what she needs to do ... as long as what she needs to do does not run rough-shod over your personal boundaries and self esteem.

We'll be here if you need us


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## Helicon (May 22, 2011)

I've threatened departure numerous times over our 29 years together. It doesn't work with my wife. She won't give me the satisfaction of thinking it would bother her if I leave. The last time I told her I wanted a divorce she said 'that's fine', but she wasn't going to uproot our kids from the house, meaning she wants the house. She plays it cool because she knows I won't go through with it. One of these days I'm going to shock the he** out of her. This only works if you already know your wife cares. Mine doesn't.


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## ManDup (Apr 22, 2011)

Worked great for me and the ex. Highly recommended.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

*How effective is throwing down the divorce gauntlet to wife ? *

It's effective if your purpose for doing so is to terminate your marriage.

It's not effective if you use it as a ploy to hope she will come back or to intimidate her into doing something you want. 

My husband threatened me with divorce everytime we had a disagreement and would tell me to leave. One day, I did. He filed for divorce and later withdrew the petition. It required my signature. I didn't sign. 

We divorced.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Completely depends on your wife. If my husband dropped it he better be ready to go through with it. I wouldn't flinch.

I dropped the separation bomb a few months ago and went through with it only to find he did a 180 on his own and continues to show that he genuinely changed which in turn gave me the confidence to recognize this is a marriage I do want and can be in love with as well as the permission to work on myself within the marriage rather than on my own. In our case, our love life has always been rocky but connected and neither one of us was involved with an affair of any kind so the big stuff emotionally was all old stuff, old resentments.

Just got back from test driving a motorcycle with him. Something he always wanted but would never let himself have. I told him flat out...if you don't allow yourself some of the things you want, you'll not be happy. We have to retain ourselves while making each other happy also. Not as easy as it sounds unfortunately.

Sum it up: Don't do it unless you know you want to get a divorce because that is what you'll be saying and it is a big deal.


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