# Why would the other woman investigate her lover's wife ?



## RubyRing (Jun 13, 2016)

I feel really silly posting about this, but I had a strange experience a few days ago, when I did a background report on myself.

I was curious to see what is out there on me (I have a misdemeanor charge from over 30 years ago) and also I was just generally curious, so I went online to one of those reporting services and did a background report on myself.

I didn't pay for the full report, but just looked at the partial report that was available for free. My two prior marriages were there (first one ended over 30 years ago) my associates, names and addresses of prior neighbors, my DOB etc.

Then I saw a section and it was "people who have investigated you". I expected to see either former employers or perhaps someone from my life when I was online dating. What I saw was the name of the woman that my former husband left me for. She ran a report on me about a year after my ex told me he was seeing her, and that he wanted to divorce me to be with her.

Anyway, I saw her name on MY report and that SHE had ME investigated about a year after the ex-hubby and I split up. I thought why in the HELL should SHE be investigating ME !!! If anything, I should have been investigating HER, as she is the woman who was complicit in destroying my former marriage, I did her no wrong, she (and he) wronged me !

Anyway, I saw her name in my report and was trying to think of a reason she would have to investigate me. Was she working on behalf of my hubby, trying to uncover something to use against me in the divorce ? Was she trying to uncover my financials or something ? Since she sent me some nasty **** in the mail (annonomously, but I am sure it came from her) I thought maybe she was just looking up my address, but she wouldn't have needed to do a deep investigation for that, as I was still in the same house, and she already knew where we lived. (She had actually been a house guest at some of our parties, so she knew where we lived)

Anyway, I feel kind of silly, because I am very happily re-married now, my ex-hubby is re-married (not to her, to someone else) but ever since I ran that background report on myself, I have been wondering why on earth would the other woman run a background report on the wife of the man who is having an affair with her ? The only other reason I could come up with (other than working on behalf of my hubby) is maybe she wanted to see if I had any history of violent crimes (I don't) and maybe she was afraid I would take some sort of revenge on the two of them ? (Sure, I had violent fantasies of revenge on them both, but I would NEVER have acted on them)

Your thoughts ? TIA.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

I'd perhaps want to see if "my boyfriend's wife he's leaving her for me" had any psycho tendencies, upsetting legal issues in the past, or criminal record or stalking, other bad habits.

Or to check on perhaps the truth in something the man is telling me about spouse, see if it's true.

Hopefully not to get your info and stalk you. 

That's all in the past it sounds like. Maybe best to let it stay there.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

"Or to check on perhaps the truth in something the man is telling me about spouse, see if it's true."

This is my thought.


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## RubyRing (Jun 13, 2016)

Thanks for your response.
As far as I know, she didn't "stalk" me, just sent me some nasty stuff in the mail, linked to personal info about me that she could have ONLY gotten from my hubby. Yeah, I think maybe she was concerned that perhaps I would stalk her and give her a well deserved beat down. But of course, as much as I wanted to throttle them both, I wouldn't risk my freedom, reputation, nor dirty my hands on either one of them.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

If it isn't too expensive, I would be tempted to run an investigation on her. Let her wonder, ya know. Put it on her record.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

Cheaters lie to their SO, and to each other.

I want to leave her because of this and that.
Who knows what your ex hubby told her.
She could have been checking to see if it
was true. Relationships based on lies never 
work out. She found out it wasn't you but
him. He dumped her and moved on. 

Sounds like neither one of them are worth 
wasting time or energy on. Your right about not
wanting to get your hands dirty. That cheap filth 
is hard to wash off sometimes. LOL 

Enjoy your life and live it well.


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## RubyRing (Jun 13, 2016)

sa58 said:


> Cheaters lie to their SO, and to each other.
> 
> I want to leave her because of this and that.
> Who knows what your ex hubby told her.
> ...


Thanks for your response. Actually, they had an on and off affair, and she kept dumping him. I know this because he actually cried to me about how heartbroken he was over it (as if I would have a rat's a$$ worth of sympathy for him) When he told me about the affair I told him that his relationship was damned and cursed from the beginning as it was based on lies and deceit. Anyway, I was very relieved when he recently married someone else, because due to the on and off nature of their "relationship" I really feared that they might marry someday, and then I would end up sharing all of my son's future milestones (wedding, granchildren, et) with HER. My ex-hubby actually wanted to invite her to our son's college graduation a few years ago, as he thought it would "help" his troubled relationship with her. Needless to say, she did NOT attend.


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## blazer prophet (Jun 1, 2019)

RubyRing said:


> I feel really silly posting about this, but I had a strange experience a few days ago, when I did a background report on myself.
> 
> I was curious to see what is out there on me (I have a misdemeanor charge from over 30 years ago) and also I was just generally curious, so I went online to one of those reporting services and did a background report on myself.
> 
> ...


Why not a report on her and your ex? That way, if it ever comes to it, she will notice what you did and wonder similar things. Besides, maybe you'll find something juicy.... :nerd:


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Ruby which site was this? I am just curious, because most of those types of sites state that the person you are investigating will not be able to see your info, that you checked them out....


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## RubyRing (Jun 13, 2016)

Why not a report on her and your ex? That way, if it ever comes to it, she will notice what you did and wonder similar things. Besides, maybe you'll find something juicy.... 

That thought actually crossed my mind, because this reporting agency does not allow you to just buy a single report, you have to "subscribe", and supposedly you can "cancel at any time". I am always wary of companies that don't allow a single purchase, but force you to "subscribe" and cancel, as I am sure they make cancelling very difficult in order to squeeze out a few months "subscription" fees. She ran the report about 6 years ago, not sure if she would automatically get notification that I ran a report on her. I only found this out by happenstance (investigating myself) But perhaps I can buy a monthly subscription, pull 2 reports on both of them, then cancel ASAP.

Besides fearing that I might be doing violence against her, or to see if my ex was telling her the truth about whatever he told her about me, it did cross my mind that the ex was trying to dig up dirt and/or financial info on me to use against me in the divorce, and asked HER to run the report so it wouldn't go back on him. That sounds like a passive - agressive thing he would do.

Anyway, he and I are on civil terms now (not super friendly, but politely civil) and now and then he will communicate with me, usually to wish me a happy mother's day or tell me/ask me something about our son. Perhaps next time he calls me, I'll casually ask him about the strange thing I discovered on his ex affair partner. Not that I think I will get any usable answers from him, but perhaps it will stick in HIS mind (if she did this on her own and not on his behalf) Maybe then he will start wondering if she also investigated HIM, or some such thing. LOL


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## RubyRing (Jun 13, 2016)

3Xnocharm said:


> Ruby which site was this? I am just curious, because most of those types of sites state that the person you are investigating will not be able to see your info, that you checked them out....



The site is called "My reputation" and gives a "reputation score". My score was 3.88 out of 5, which they rated as a good "reputation". I think there scoring is mainly bogus though, and here is why I think that. There was an "alert" that there were 16 people that I was "associated" with that were "adversley" affecting my score. They gave a list of my "associates"and 16 of them were flagged with court records. Most of these people were people I don't know at all, but they lived on the street at my old address. One of the names I recognized was a problematic neighbor, with serious mental health issue, and he died about 10 years ago. Why in the hell would anyone ding my "reputation score" over something someone on my strett did.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

RubyRing said:


> Thanks for your response. Actually, they had an on and off affair, and she kept dumping him. I know this because he actually cried to me about how heartbroken he was over it (as if I would have a rat's a$$ worth of sympathy for him) When he told me about the affair I told him that his relationship was damned and cursed from the beginning as it was based on lies and deceit. Anyway, I was very relieved when he recently married someone else, because due to the on and off nature of their "relationship" I really feared that they might marry someday, and then I would end up sharing all of my son's future milestones (wedding, granchildren, et) with HER. My ex-hubby actually wanted to invite her to our son's college graduation a few years ago, as he thought it would "help" his troubled relationship with her. Needless to say, she did NOT attend.


He cried about being heartbroken to you about
getting dumped by his affair partner. Not real bright
is he ? Sounds like he the type who may cheat on the new 
wife also. Or her on him. Karma 

Your son will grow up and know who has been there 
for him. ( You !) They always do. 

As I said earlier live your life well, have a blast and show him
what he lost. That s the sweetest revenge on cheaters !!

Spoil your future grand kids, I do mine. LOL


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

My guess is she never truly trusted your husband because of the deceitful nature of their relationship and was always suspicious and jealous that he would go back to you and was just generally very curious (maybe a little obsessed?) about you because of her jealousy. Could be she was looking for dirt on you too, but toward what end, who knows? It definitely seems a little weird. Glad for you your ex is no longer with her so you don't have her in your kid's lives!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I really don't think that this is all that big a deal. A lot of people check on others who are in their lives. Even more so on those who have some significant meaning. The wife of the man she had an affair with is definitely someone who is of significance to the OW. You were at one time her major rival. So of course she would find out as much as she can about you.

The fact that her name is now on your report showing that she looked you up really makes her look like a stalker. She it makes her look bad. 

Whatever you do, do not do anything that will have your name end up as someone who was researching her.


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

If you have to subscribe to this service and can therefore get multiple reports, I am guessing it had nothing to do with you other than morbid curiosity. She probably subscribed to check on someone else (maybe even your ex) and figured she may as well run a check on a slew of people, including you. When I purchased a month of Carfax reports 15 years ago I ran a report on the car I had traded in three cars ago. I really didn't care about the whereabouts of the 87' Camry with 295,000 miles on it, but the reports were "free" and we checked anything we had a VIN for just for sport.


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## RubyRing (Jun 13, 2016)

sa58 said:


> He cried about being heartbroken to you about
> getting dumped by his affair partner. Not real bright
> is he ? Sounds like he the type who may cheat on the new
> wife also. Or her on him. Karma
> ...


Yes, his emotional intelligence is proably around zero. He told me this during our "in house" separation. After he told me he wanted a divorce to be with her, but before he actually moved out. Dumb on my part, I know, but I used the time of our in house separation to emotionally torment him for revenge and do drive a wedge between them. Here is what he said. He was moping and I asked him what was wrong. He replied "My marriage is falling apart and my girlfriend broke up with me". After I picked my jaw up from the floor I made a sarcastic reply. At the time I was beyond furious, hurt, betrayed, but now looking back I actually laugh at that really stupid thing he said.

I have never discussed the affair with my son, but I'm pretty sure he figured out that the "relationship" began BEFORE the divorce, but I never wanted to put my son in the middle so we don't discuss it. My son and I are very close, and he and his dad have a pretty good relationship as well, but I suspect my son has lost some respect for his dad because he does know that his dad initiated the divorce, and that I was absolutely heartbroken. 

I do think he will eventually cheat on his new wife. I actually feel bad for her. They met and married YEARS after our divorce and I am pretty sure he just gave her some story about us "growing apart". Or if he did reveal the affair, trash talked me and made it my fault. Anyway, she had nothing to do with our divorce, and I do feel sorry for what he most likely will do to her down the road.

I don't know if grand children are in my future, my son lives with a lovely young lady now, and I would be thrilled to have her for a DIL, and mother of my grandchildren. But who knows which directions couples will go these days. I can only hope. But you best believe that any future grandchildren of mine will be adored, spoiled, doted upon, bragged about, etc. I am retired now. I have all the time in the world to spoil and grandchildren that may be in my future.


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## RubyRing (Jun 13, 2016)

WorkingWife said:


> My guess is she never truly trusted your husband because of the deceitful nature of their relationship and was always suspicious and jealous that he would go back to you and was just generally very curious (maybe a little obsessed?) about you because of her jealousy. Could be she was looking for dirt on you too, but toward what end, who knows? It definitely seems a little weird. Glad for you your ex is no longer with her so you don't have her in your kid's lives!


Oooh, I LOVE this. Part of the reason for our "in house separation" was to drag out the divorce in order to drive a wedge between them. I wasn't going to hand my hubby over to her on a silver platter. I was going to make her sweat it out. I think that may have been the reason for the constant break ups, getting back together, etc. I just love the thought of her being jealous of ME, and looking at me as a rival. I really do hope her "relationship" with my ex caused her much pain and grief. She deserves it, as she knew darn well that he was married from the day she started working with him. He kept one of my glamorous headshots of me on his locker. He even told me he loved to show it off to his co-workers. I can see why she would be jealous. That was a FAB photo of me, and from day one, when she started working with him, she saw him showing off his beautiful wife. She is rather a plain-Jane. It really stuck in my craw that he dumped for some Plain Jane, but now I am re-framing this as she saw me as HER rival, and it stuck in her craw that I was much prettier than her. Not trying to sound conceited here, but I am much more attractive, and that "show off" photo of me, really did show me as my most beautiful, glamourous self. 

Really thanks for your response, I am viewing this in an entirely different light and this has been very therapeutic.


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## RubyRing (Jun 13, 2016)

Bluesclues said:


> If you have to subscribe to this service and can therefore get multiple reports, I am guessing it had nothing to do with you other than morbid curiosity. She probably subscribed to check on someone else (maybe even your ex) and figured she may as well run a check on a slew of people, including you. When I purchased a month of Carfax reports 15 years ago I ran a report on the car I had traded in three cars ago. I really didn't care about the whereabouts of the 87' Camry with 295,000 miles on it, but the reports were "free" and we checked anything we had a VIN for just for sport.



I ran my on "free" carfax on a car I was looking to buy, not realizing I was subscribing, and was on the hook for one month's subscription. I disputed it with my bank, but the one month charge was not reversed, because I "agreed" to it. I did manage to "cancel" my subscription after that one month. This is why I am leary to see my FULL report because I will have to subscribe and cancel. Of course I would start the cancellation process immediately, but they have sneaky ways of getting at least a one month fee. That is how they make their money, tricking people into "subscribing" after the introductory "free" report.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Oh yeah, I bet your existence just ate her up inside, hee hee! That was my first thought when you saw she ran a background check on you -- she was jealous/curious/worried about you. Maybe she was looking to see if he actually divorced you! 

I love that you stretched things out and made them uncomfortable for them. I am certain you did damage to their relationship. Good job! LOL.




RubyRing said:


> Oooh, I LOVE this. Part of the reason for our "in house separation" was to drag out the divorce in order to drive a wedge between them. I wasn't going to hand my hubby over to her on a silver platter. I was going to make her sweat it out. I think that may have been the reason for the constant break ups, getting back together, etc. I just love the thought of her being jealous of ME, and looking at me as a rival. I really do hope her "relationship" with my ex caused her much pain and grief. She deserves it, as she knew darn well that he was married from the day she started working with him. He kept one of my glamorous headshots of me on his locker. He even told me he loved to show it off to his co-workers. I can see why she would be jealous. That was a FAB photo of me, and from day one, when she started working with him, she saw him showing off his beautiful wife. She is rather a plain-Jane. It really stuck in my craw that he dumped for some Plain Jane, but now I am re-framing this as she saw me as HER rival, and it stuck in her craw that I was much prettier than her. Not trying to sound conceited here, but I am much more attractive, and that "show off" photo of me, really did show me as my most beautiful, glamourous self.
> 
> Really thanks for your response, I am viewing this in an entirely different light and this has been very therapeutic.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

RubyRing said:


> But perhaps I can buy a monthly subscription, pull 2 reports on both of them, then cancel ASAP.


I would not give either of them the satisfaction of thinking you spent 2 seconds thinking about them, especially her.


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## RubyRing (Jun 13, 2016)

WorkingWife said:


> Oh yeah, I bet your existence just ate her up inside, hee hee! That was my first thought when you saw she ran a background check on you -- she was jealous/curious/worried about you. *Maybe she was looking to see if he actually divorced you! *
> 
> I love that you stretched things out and made them uncomfortable for them. I am certain you did damage to their relationship. Good job! LOL.


Yeah, it was about a year after he told me about the affair that she pulled the report, so maybe she was looking to see if he had actually divorced me. He hadn't at that point, but maybe he told her that he did. She could have pulled a report on him as well to find out if he divorced me, who knows, maybe she pulled reports on both of us.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> "Or to check on perhaps the truth in something the man is telling me about spouse, see if it's true."
> 
> This is my thought.


Bingo.

Cheating, lying, POS married men *lie like rugs*. You can't believe a word out of their mouths (even though so many OWs swear their married men don't lie to _them_). LOL. :rofl: Sure they don't.

Anyway, like most side pieces, she was probably one of those imbeciles who swore her married man would never lie to *her* yet she STILL had to see for herself that everything he'd told her about you was true, so she ran the report because she apparently had a bit of a hard time taking lover boy at his word. Go figure.

I'm actually inclined to think it was one of two things, actually. Either your ex's side piece (at the time) was looking to see if anything he'd told her about you was a lie (like Blondilocks suggested in her post), *or* she was trying to do Mr. Wonderful a favor by trying to dig up any dirt she could against you that he might be able to use in the Real Property Settlement of your divorce. I'm actually more inclined to believe it was the latter.

After all, OW's just _love_ to help their married men when he's getting a divorce and they think they're going to win their 'prize.' :rofl::rofl:


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