# Women Affairs and the Moment of Truth



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

For the females only, I just read a comment by @Affaircare in another thread and thought I would ask this question of the other equally open ladies in the group. When you decided to have your (first) affair, what went through your mind the split second before you changed your mind from "no" to "yes"? I'm not asking about the problems that lead up to it or even the current environment. At some point, you had to say, "Yes, I made a promise to keep my marriage vows, but things have changed." Here is a partial list. Don't be limited by it. 


This guys it too hot to pass up.
I'm not getting what I need at home.
It's my LD husband's fault
My marriage was a mistake.
He'll never know.
Everybody does it.
I just want to see what it's like.
He's showing me care and concern that my husband is not showing me.
I may have met my soul mate.
We've had sex before I was married, what will it hurt?
I'm going my husband a lesson he'll never forget.


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I'm a woman, but I don't think it matters whether you hear from men or women. One thing is for sure, when a person is engaging in an affair, they aren't thinking about their spouse. They are thinking only about themselves. I seriously doubt any of those things enter their minds and if they do, it's only for a brief moment, unless it's some sort of revenge.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There are no a lot of women on here who have had affairs so I don't think you will get much of a response from women who have cheated here. 

I find it interesting that your OP seems to assume that a lot, if not all, the women here have had affairs.

I agree with Cynthia, it does not really matter the gender of the person cheating. The cheater is thinking about self-interest.

I've read that or some women, affairs are basically 'exit' affairs. She wants to end her marriage but is frozen in inaction. Then she meets someone she's attracted to, starts the affair and gets the motivation to end the marriage;

For many woman, as for many men, affair are about getting strange and getting needs met.

Ready the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. He talks about the motivation for affairs. He also talks about recovery from them.


----------



## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

I'm not a woman but I can say that after i discovered my first wife cheated on me i grew increasingly resentful. Then one day before a night on the town with some friends i met a woman. A few weeks later i said to myself "**** it she owes me ", i then proceeded to have my revenge affair with the woman i had met a few weeks earlier.


----------



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

EleGirl said:


> I find it interesting that your OP seems to assume that a lot, if not all, the women here have had affairs.


Whoa. I never said that. 

I already know what men say to themselves before they do it. I've talked with a LOT of them about it. (I did not just say that all men are cheaters.) That kind of discussion with a woman in person may be considered inappropriate, so I thought I'd ask here.


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Sfort said:


> For the females only, I just read a comment by @Affaircare in another thread and thought I would ask this question of the other equally open ladies in the group. When you decided to have your (first) affair, what went through your mind the split second before you changed your mind from "no" to "yes"? I'm not asking about the problems that lead up to it or even the current environment. At some point, you had to say, "Yes, I made a promise to keep my marriage vows, but things have changed." Here is a partial list. Don't be limited by it.
> 
> 
> This guys it too hot to pass up.
> ...


I am a woman.

I had an affair.

I AM @Affaircare! LOL

And the funny thing is, not one of those thoughts that you mentioned even crossed my mind. Not one, not close. 

For context let me give this background: my affair was twelve years ago with my Dear Hubby who has since passed away. We were not "newly" married but it wasn't after decades of marriage either. I was in my mid-40's and we had tried for a baby and miscarried at 20 weeks. I dealt with the grief by wanting to turn to each other--he dealt with it by withdrawing (to process it). Only trouble was that I felt abandoned just when I needed him. Then we found out at the doctor's that he was really able to father children and we'd never conceive successfully. At that point, I felt like my reason for being was just demolished--so much of my identity was being a mom, being desirable because I was fertile, etc. and I felt old, ugly, used up, worthless...and he was withdrawing to process it all. So clearly (I thought) I was just needless in his eyes. 

My affair began as conversation in an online game. It always was only carried on online, but just so you know, in my mind infidelity is infidelity whether it's physical, emotional, financial...whatever. So no excuses--just stating facts. It wasn't in person, and it wasn't physical. You ask: 


> ...what went through your mind the split second before you changed your mind from "no" to "yes"?


Here's the funny thing: it wasn't ONE split second going from "faithful" to "unfaithful"...it was a thousand SMALL split seconds. It was like death-by-papercut...one little papercut is irritating but hardly deadly, but several thousand papercuts would be agonizingly fatal! That's what my mind was like--I crossed small lines a thousand times. And each time I went just a little further...a little further...justifying it all along the way. 

So the very first way I went ever -so-slightly off the rails was that I was playing an online game but did not include my Dear Hubby. By that, I just mean that I didn't mention him, I didn't say I was or was not married, and he didn't seem interested in hearing about the game, so I didn't talk to him about it. He wasn't included. 

The next step was that he was excluded. By that I mean that he was not part of the playing, part of the strategy, part of the chatting, part of the friends I was developing...he was excluded and I didn't try to include him at all. 

Next, one player noticed me. I did not have my guard up to protect myself and so this took me by surprise. Someone noticed my skills in the game, said I was a good player, enjoyed playing with me, and asked if we could play together. This obviously made me feel really good because I am a good player and I take it seriously--and someone noticed!

Next, the same person (who did eventually become the OM), started to talk about things in the game AND OUT OF THE GAME. Just chatting...friendly...interested. But again, I had no guard up so I talked back. At this point, to me, it felt like one interested human being to another, and in my own mind I am an interesting person, so no alarms were going off yet. 

Next, the OM said that not only did he like my playing but he also liked ME. Me the person. This is probably the closest to that split-second moment you asked about, and this is about step 5 in the thousand papercuts or the thousand little crossing-the-line. At the time I thought, "Well at least someone likes me" and I figured we weren't in the same state, we didn't really know each other at all, it was all fantasy and talking, so what harm could it be?

From there, it was just a little further and a little further every day. An emoji. A small flirt. An obvious flirt. Flirting. Innuendo. Sexting. 

This is why I have compassion for when people say "It just happened" or "We were just friends" because in some ways it feels like that when you are in the midst of it. Much like a snowball starting an avalanche, one small step off the "straight and narrow" grows and grows and all along you don't think "yes" or "no" so much as it's just a wee bit more and more. Suddenly what was just a little over the line is now a mile across the line! 

I can remember distinctly thinking (of myself): "Wait, who is this? It's not me. I'm not a cheater. I'm a good, honest person! How did I get here?" So it's not like divorce, where a person kind of waits for the proverbial "straw that broke the camel's back"--but rather it's much more like death by a thousand papercuts.


----------



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

I hear what you're saying, and I appreciate your candor. I'm not sure I put an equivalency on emotional on physical affairs, but I realize a lot of people do. As I was writing it, my question was based on the moment at which he puts his penis in your vagina. That's the point of no return, at least for this question. Nevertheless, it's still interesting to hear your thoughts. I'm sure every decision takes a lot of thought and consideration. I've been tempted in the past, but I have never crossed the line or put myself into a no-win environment. No playing to dynamite. Unfortunately I have been cheated on my a long-time girlfriend, and I've always wondered why it was okay for her to cheat. I never cheated on her. She never could or would answer the question.


----------



## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Affaircare said:


> I am a woman.
> 
> I had an affair.
> 
> ...


So by my interpretation of AC, I see through my eyes as what A.C. stated is the following. And even though said
*
"And the funny thing is, not one of those thoughts that you mentioned even crossed my mind*"

I'm not getting what I need at home.

My marriage was a mistake.
He'll never know.

I just want to see what it's like.

He's showing me care and concern that my husband is not showing me.

That said though not Intended, we're the result. Of pushing the edge. I am not interpreting A.C. words but my feelings as if I was witness to it as a man. 

But, the "who is this" is the turning point of no return, and validation by one thousand papercuts is the marker so far as we see as what does it take to do that deed of no return.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Benbutton said:


> I'm not a woman but I can say that after i discovered my first wife cheated on me i grew increasingly resentful. Then one day before a night on the town with some friends i met a woman. A few weeks later i said to myself "**** it she owes me ", i then proceeded to have my revenge affair with the woman i had met a few weeks earlier.


*So did it make things right or better for you? Seems like this method would only serve to multiply the adultery quotient by four!

Just go talk with my RSXW ~ she's quite good at that! Regarding her sordid history of trysts, well, let's just say that the mere use of multiplication signs greatly pale in comparison to the exponential functions that she made use of! *


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Sfort said:


> Whoa. I never said that.
> 
> I already know what men say to themselves before they do it. I've talked with a LOT of them about it. (I did not just say that all men are cheaters.) That kind of discussion with a woman in person may be considered inappropriate, so I thought I'd ask here.


As a man, that was exactly the implication that was in your opening post to my mind as well as to @EleGirl.


----------



## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

arbitrator said:


> Benbutton said:
> 
> 
> > I'm not a woman but I can say that after i discovered my first wife cheated on me i grew increasingly resentful. Then one day before a night on the town with some friends i met a woman. A few weeks later i said to myself "**** it she owes me ", i then proceeded to have my revenge affair with the woman i had met a few weeks earlier.
> ...


I am not ashamed to admit that I am a vengeful person, if i can't have a person's respect I will take their fear. My loyalty was mistaken for weakness, she did a stupid thing and paid for it. As for making things right? Yes. It brought balance back into my life along with an eventual prettier, sexier and younger model. I am not a cheater by nature but I am a fighter and will punch back.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Sfort said:


> I hear what you're saying, and I appreciate your candor. I'm not sure I put an equivalency on emotional on physical affairs, but I realize a lot of people do. As I was writing it, my question was based on the moment at which he puts his penis in your vagina. That's the point of no return, at least for this question. Nevertheless, it's still interesting to hear your thoughts. I'm sure every decision takes a lot of thought and consideration. I've been tempted in the past, but I have never crossed the line or put myself into a no-win environment. No playing to dynamite. Unfortunately I have been cheated on my a long-time girlfriend, and I've always wondered why it was okay for her to cheat. I never cheated on her. She never could or would answer the question.


Doesn’t matter. 

Read her post a few times. All of your answers are there.


----------



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Benbutton said:


> I am not ashamed to admit that I am a vengeful person, if i can't have a person's respect I will take their fear. My loyalty was mistaken for weakness, she did a stupid thing and paid for it. As for making things right? Yes. It brought balance back into my life along with an eventual prettier, sexier and younger model. I am not a cheater by nature but I am a fighter and will punch back.


People deal with pain in different ways. It's certainly not our place to judge your response. In some situations, I may act the same way. It's always a challenge to avoid cutting off my nose to spite my face. Things are not as clear when I'm emotionally involved. I'm glad yours worked out for the better.


----------



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Marduk said:


> Doesn’t matter.
> 
> Read her post a few times. All of your answers are there.


I have. Do you think her answers are the same for every woman?


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Marduk said:


> Doesn’t matter.
> 
> Read her post a few times. All of your answers are there.


True for one type of cheater, but not for someone who goes looking for it. There are lot of people like that as well.


----------



## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

Sfort said:


> For the females only, I just read a comment by @Affaircare in another thread and thought I would ask this question of the other equally open ladies in the group. When you decided to have your (first) affair, what went through your mind the split second before you changed your mind from "no" to "yes"? I'm not asking about the problems that lead up to it or even the current environment. At some point, you had to say, "Yes, I made a promise to keep my marriage vows, but things have changed." Here is a partial list. Don't be limited by it.
> 
> 
> This guys it too hot to pass up.
> ...


I was going to comment that all of these sound very trite, but then I realized my own reasons sound mentally deranged so who am I to judge. 

Since mine was an exit affair with a large splash of revenge I would say the last one was maybe the closest of all of your listed options. What lead up to that is somewhat important for context. He cheated and I wasn’t dealing with it well. So no, there was no thought of breaking marriage vows after that. I was incensed that he had the audacity to do that to me and I would make him pay for crossing me. I didn’t want to just have a fling, I wanted to replace him with a man that outwardly had everything my husband was insecure about in himself (height, hair, job, self confidence) and send his sad ass scurrying with his tail between his legs. I wanted him to hurt and I wanted to not hurt anymore. 

Runner up to “**** him” was probably “I deserve to be adored”. Took me many years after the fact to see that I did not treat my first husband in a way that would make him want to adore me. Not to say I deserved to be cheated on, but I can now see how my behaviors made him feel like going from “no” to “yes” was his easiest and perhaps only option in his mind. 

OP, reading your definition of point of no return as PIV - even though my affair was calculated I did have a point of extreme fear and knowing I was wrong. It wasn’t sex, it was when the OM (my now husband) leaned in to kiss me. I was shaking so badly, like major fight or flight mode. That kiss was the point of no return for me, not PIV. I wanted that kiss and I didn’t want it at the same time. Wanting it won. So that is your answer - she cheated because she wanted to more than she didn’t want to. It isn’t more complicated than that.


----------



## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Bluesclues;20091485.
OP said:


> I wanted that[/B] kiss and I didn’t want it at the same time. Wanting it won. So that is your answer - she cheated because she wanted to more than she didn’t want to. It isn’t more complicated than that.


I think this speaks through all clutter, even though it was plan or not is the basic upmost sound reason. Because they wanted it. I don't think it's anything more than that.


----------



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Bluesclues said:


> OP, reading your definition of point of no return as PIV - even though my affair was calculated I did have a point of extreme fear and knowing I was wrong. It wasn’t sex, it was when the OM (my now husband) leaned in to kiss me. I was shaking so badly, like major fight or flight mode. That kiss was the point of no return for me, not PIV. I wanted that kiss and I didn’t want it at the same time. Wanting it won. So that is your answer - she cheated because she wanted to more than she didn’t want to. It isn’t more complicated than that.


Your answer is exactly the kind I hoped someone would post. You had a plan, you executed on it. My logical brain can understand that. Thanks. Out of curiosity, how long after the kiss did PIV follow?


----------



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Tilted 1 said:


> I think this speaks through all clutter, even though it was plan or not is the basic upmost sound reason. Because they wanted it. I don't think it's anything more than that.


I think relationships are more complicated than that. If they weren't, there'd be no need for psychiatrists, psychologists, marriage counselors, or TAM.


----------



## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

Sfort said:


> Bluesclues said:
> 
> 
> > OP, reading your definition of point of no return as PIV - even though my affair was calculated I did have a point of extreme fear and knowing I was wrong. It wasn’t sex, it was when the OM (my now husband) leaned in to kiss me. I was shaking so badly, like major fight or flight mode. That kiss was the point of no return for me, not PIV. I wanted that kiss and I didn’t want it at the same time. Wanting it won. So that is your answer - she cheated because she wanted to more than she didn’t want to. It isn’t more complicated than that.
> ...


Two months after the initial kiss. 

Relationships are complicated but cheating really is as simple as “they wanted to”. No matter the rationale behind it, that is the core of it. People can trace their issues back to what made them want to - insecurities, trauma, mental illness, incompatibility, revenge - it all starts with “i wanted to”. Everything else is figuring out how to not choose destructive behavior in the future. 

“Because they wanted to” is a very hard concept for most betrayed to grasp. You seem to be looking for a logical reason for cheating so you can fix it on your end. You can become a better partner and you can become a better you, but you can’t fix what makes someone else cheat. That is within them and has nothing to do with you.


----------



## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Sfort said:


> I think relationships are more complicated than that. If they weren't, there'd be no need for psychiatrists, psychologists, marriage counselors, or TAM.


I do agree relationships are complicated, but l was on the trac of the individual, not the relationship they are in or how good their relationship is or isn't. But it I believe comes down to the more animalistic traits, sure we can say or do to make it more complex, but it boils down to this it's about the desire of want. 

Sometimes the hardest answer to accept is the easiest. If one can remove all of the social/worldly possibilities and solely on the individual of justifications it comes to one thing. The want wins out.

If we give a example of worldly, say a car you drive are you driving a base model with an/fm radio or are you driving something like a Mercedes Benz with Gps navigation, A/C, automatic all wheel drive heated seats, and so on why are you not driving the base model. Is it the desire of want, or maybe is it something one chooses to do just because?

A example of social, you current spouse is/isn't every thing you want or need, but then a new one enters your space and you see so many things that that person checks off all of your personal list. So then a person weights the cost of want, and removes the need, because we hear so many times when they cheat it for the most part it is down then its come as a blow. 

To our ego and the value one thought they had. Is why it's so crushing because then the betrayed, attempts to socially go down the list of personal standards of why his/her's is superior. 

I'm better looking, make more money, physically pleasing to the eye, attractive, great sense of humor, good person so on and so on.

But then if one wants to make it more complicated, sure " A thousand papercuts" will fit, but if your talking right before it becomes PIV, a woman can say it's not about the sex, but to the man it's about the sex, so full circle why would a woman do this ( I am not a woman, but give my human response) to fulfill that need of want and to "keep" the giver of her fulfillment close and available to fill that need that is so strong at that moment the one and only thing that one can give is *themselves*.

Complex, sure if we want to, so we can hopefully rationalize it. Of why they did the deed, gave it up, crossed the line, broke the Vow, gave away the one thing you cherished that was promised only for you and was forsaken to any other. 

But this is my view and as you said the candor of others, maybe will help you make better sense of it than l, but again we make it more complicated because we were once so sure of ourselves and our preceived view we thought our spouse had for us.


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Sfort said:


> When you decided to have your (first) affair, what went through your mind the split second before you changed your mind from "no" to "yes"? I'm not asking about the problems that lead up to it or even the current environment. At some point, you had to say, "Yes, I made a promise to keep my marriage vows, but things have changed." Here is a partial list. Don't be limited by it.
> 
> 
> This guys it too hot to pass up.
> ...


My first affair was a ONS with a guy I met while visiting with a friend one night. We went to her place to chill after work thinking to have a girls evening of food and chatter, but her live-in BF had decided to stay home and had a friend of his over. We decided to make it a group evening of drinking, rollerblading, and general revelry. The attraction between Bf's friend and myself was very intense. He wasn't the kind of guy I'd date, but he was fun to hang out with and flirt with for an evening. It never crossed my mind it would go further than light flirting, especially since he lived in the adjoining apartment with his super freakin hot fiancee.

Late in the evening, the fiancee came to collect the BF's friend. My friend and her BF went to bed. I stayed behind to clean up a bit, get sober to drive, and planned to lock up and head home. The BF's friend came back over. Said he couldn't sleep and asked for a smoke and a beer to see if he'd be able to relax enough to go to bed. Cool, whatever. We smoked a cigarette and chatted for a while. Then he came over, got on the sofa behind where I was sitting on the floor, and began massaging my shoulders. His hands wandered, we began making out, and then I had to really use the bathroom. 

I wasn't thinking about much while we were making out. It just felt so good I was feeling. When I stopped to use the bathroom I knew if I went back out there and didn't send him on his way we'd probably have sex. I also knew it would be really good sex because of the level of attraction and what I'd seen of his skill making out.

I'd only been married for a short time, and I did intend to do the right thing and keep the vows, but faced with something I very much wanted to experience I realized I didn't want to resist. My exH couldn't meet my needs without becoming someone else, the guy was just too delicious to pass up, the marriage was definitely a mistake, and if my exH did find out, so what? He'd probably stay and, if he didn't, life would go on.

I weighed the risk vs reward and the reward was worth more than what I stood to lose.



Sfort said:


> As I was writing it, my question was based on the moment at which he puts his penis in your vagina. That's the point of no return, at least for this question.
> 
> Unfortunately I have been cheated on my a long-time girlfriend, and I've always wondered why it was okay for her to cheat. I never cheated on her. She never could or would answer the question.


The decision was made before the penis came anywhere near the vagina. By the time we got to the PIV stage there wasn't thought beyond trying not to be too loud, which surfaces would hold our weight, trying not to break or knock over things in the kitchen, living room, and dining room while playing with different surfaces and positions.

Your GF cheated because she wanted to. That really is the bottom line. She may have used things in your relationship or her past to justify it to herself, to give herself permission to go through with it, but she only justified it in her mind because she wanted to do it in the first place. This is universal to cheaters. First it's "I want!" and then it's "How can I rationalize doing/getting what I want?"



Sfort said:


> I think relationships are more complicated than that. If they weren't, there'd be no need for psychiatrists, psychologists, marriage counselors, or TAM.


Relationships are complicated. Cheating is actually rather simple. The cheater wanted to do it and then figured out how to rationalize actually doing it.


----------



## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

MJJEAN said:


> The decision was made before the penis came anywhere near the vagina. By the time we got to the PIV stage there wasn't thought beyond trying not to be too loud, which surfaces would hold our weight, trying not to break or knock over things in the kitchen, living room, and dining room while playing with different surfaces and positions.
> 
> Your GF cheated because she wanted to. That really is the bottom line. She may have used things in your relationship or her past to justify it to herself, to give herself permission to go through with it, but she only justified it in her mind because she wanted to do it in the first place. This is universal to cheaters. First it's "I want!" and then it's "How can I rationalize doing/getting what I want?"
> 
> Relationships are complicated. Cheating is actually rather simple. The cheater wanted to do it and then figured out how to rationalize actually doing it.


Your answer makes the most sense to me. I know the OP was looking for only responses from women, but when I was married I cheated a lot. Some of them were also married. I am not a particularly aggressive man, but I read signals in people very well. I think those that get cheated on want to believe that there partner put up a lot of resistance and need to be seduced, but honestly of the married woman I had affairs with. They made it very obvious exactly what they were looking for, and in some cases even made the first move by flat out saying what they wanted. With that said none of them had good things to say about their husbands.


----------



## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

MJJEAN said:


> My first affair was a ONS with a guy I met while visiting with a friend one night. We went to her place to chill after work thinking to have a girls evening of food and chatter, but her live-in BF had decided to stay home and had a friend of his over. We decided to make it a group evening of drinking, rollerblading, and general revelry. The attraction between Bf's friend and myself was very intense. He wasn't the kind of guy I'd date, but he was fun to hang out with and flirt with for an evening. It never crossed my mind it would go further than light flirting, especially since he lived in the adjoining apartment with his super freakin hot fiancee.
> 
> Late in the evening, the fiancee came to collect the BF's friend. My friend and her BF went to bed. I stayed behind to clean up a bit, get sober to drive, and planned to lock up and head home. The BF's friend came back over. Said he couldn't sleep and asked for a smoke and a beer to see if he'd be able to relax enough to go to bed. Cool, whatever. We smoked a cigarette and chatted for a while. Then he came over, got on the sofa behind where I was sitting on the floor, and began massaging my shoulders. His hands wandered, we began making out, and then I had to really use the bathroom.
> 
> ...


did your BH find out that you cheated?

what happened to your marriage?


----------



## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

oldtruck said:


> did your BH find out that you cheated?
> 
> what happened to your marriage?


And your first affair? How many did you have while you were married?

" My first affair was a ONS"


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

oldtruck said:


> did your BH find out that you cheated?
> 
> what happened to your marriage?


I told him the next night. It's a really long story, but in the end I left him for my last AP. Nutshell version below.



Tilted 1 said:


> And your first affair? How many did you have while you were married?
> 
> " My first affair was a ONS"


If you're asking how the first affair ended, it was just that one evening. After he went home, I cleaned up my friends apartment and went home, too. We saw each other a couple times for a few minutes after that when he happened to be at my friends apartment, but we had no interest in each other. 

I believe 7, iirc. We're talking about events between 20 and 25 years in the past.

Like I said above, it's a really long story. Semi-casually dating, accidental pregnancy due to birth control failure and a "do the right thing" marriage before we were old enough to legally buy alcohol. ExH had multiple affairs before and after we were married. He attempted more, but got shot down. We were too young and immature to simply recognize our complete incompatibility and either end the relationship (before or after the marriage) or come to some kind of DADT open arrangement. Instead, we agreed to stop the foolishness, marry, and uphold the vows. I broke that agreement shortly after it was made. 

Over the next 5 years we had a 2nd child, mostly lived separate lives whenever possible, and sort of kept up appearances. Drama left, right, and center when it wasn't possible. He tried to sneak around, but wasn't very good at it. I more or less openly dated. I met the love of my life, knew he was it for me, a few months later I told my ex I was done, and married my AP as soon as the divorce was final. We've been together 20 years, married 17. ExH moved out of state and didn't see the kids for about a decade. They reconnected when they were in their early and mid teens, respectively. ExH remarried somewhere around 12-15 years ago. According to the now adult kids, their marriage is even worse of a tire fire, but that's not my circus and I only know what I know because they girls like to vent at me.


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I think a lot of affairs start very slowly. What happens then is that over time the cheater is slowly thinking more and more about the OP and then their body and mind kind of link up and a huge fantasy in their heads begins. It may not be a strictly sexual fantasy at first. It may just be fantasizing about the next time they will see the OP. They may tell themselves it is just a little crush, not even sexual. They just feel a bit of butterflies when seeing the OP or thinking about them. Then soon enough, the fantasy turns towards “I wonder if he/she feels the same” and then “I wonder if he/she ever thinks about kissing me.” At first those fantasies may alarm the cheater and make them feel guilty. So they double down on telling themselves “oh this is just a harmless crush”.

Then one day they allow themselves to feel more sexual about the fantasy, and around that time is when the OP starts ramping up the attention and words of flattery, etc.

This could go on for awhile before they actually kiss or have sex. By then, their bodies are just so worked up from the months of secret fantasies that when they do get alone at some point....they just don’t stop themselves. The answer of when it became a decision to cheat is pretty cloudy by that point since they have been having non sexual fantasies that led to the sexual ones, which then led to the kiss or sex.

There are some affairs that are just straight up, met a hot stranger, had the opportunity and went for it. In those cases, the only answer is probably “he/she was so hot and I was so horny in that moment.”


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Sfort said:


> I have. Do you think her answers are the same for every woman?


_Sigh._

No, I don't think they are true for every woman.

However, I do think she said a hell of a lot that you need to hear.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Cynthia said:


> True for one type of cheater, but not for someone who goes looking for it. There are lot of people like that as well.


My assertion is that the thinking that goes into both are fundamentally the same.

Many will say "whoa, whoa, whoa marduk sometimes people just go out drinking one night and have a ONS that isn't premeditated at all."

To which I say BS. The willingness to be open to flirting, "seeing what happens," and "playing with fire" is there even before a ONS commonly. Meaning, you've already decided to be open to cheating before you do, otherwise you wouldn't be in this situation to begin with. Every single person - male or female - that I've watched have either a planned or unplanned affair have always been open to flirting, seeking attention, and putting themselves in situations where they _could_ have an affair.

So it can _seem_ like "OMG this person was so hot I had to have sex with them," but if you back up a number of days, weeks, or months before then... they've been putting themselves in situations to be open to a hot person for a while. It's rationalizing why it's not your fault. So on one level, as @Affaircare says, "It just happened." But on another, the seeds have been sown for some time.

Just like before the affair, it's common for them not to complain about the marriage (although not universally), and then after the affair, they say the marriage was awful. What's true? Maybe neither, maybe both. Either way it doesn't really matter - what matters is the mindset that went into the decision making to begin with.


----------



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Marduk said:


> However, I do think she said a hell of a lot that you need to hear.


I'm not sure what you think I *need* to hear. I'm asking out of curiosity, primarily for pedagogical reasons.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Sfort said:


> I'm not sure what you think I *need* to hear. I'm asking out of curiosity, primarily for pedagogical reasons.


OK, my bad. What are you attempting to use to teach others?


----------



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Marduk said:


> OK, my bad. What are you attempting to use to teach others?


Open discussion


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Marduk said:


> So it can _seem_ like "OMG this person was so hot I had to have sex with them," but if you back up a number of days, weeks, or months before then... they've been putting themselves in situations to be open to a hot person for a while. It's rationalizing why it's not your fault. So on one level, as @Affaircare says, "It just happened." But on another, the seeds have been sown for some time.


I have never been involved in or seen someone else become involved in an affair that "just happened". There are many steps between first touching and insertion. At each and every one of those steps the choice was made to continue.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

MJJEAN said:


> I have never been involved in or seen someone else become involved in an affair that "just happened". There are many steps between first touching and insertion. At each and every one of those steps the choice was made to continue.


Case study: A close friend's family member's husband. He swears up and down that his fling was just a ONS and just happened because he was drinking. Even now, years later, that's what he says.

When I point out the months of partying without his wife before hand, he just gets a confused look on his face and says that had nothing to do with it. To me it's obvious he decided to cheat on her months before, and was putting himself out there to allow it to happen purposefully. His wife of course very much doesn't like that idea.

They've decided to sweep the whole thing under the rug, of course. 

And of course he's started going out again, and saying "you don't trust me..." Sigh. Textbook.


----------



## BruceBanner (May 6, 2018)

Marduk said:


> Case study: A close friend's family member's husband. He swears up and down that his fling was just a ONS and just happened because he was drinking. Even now, years later, that's what he says.
> 
> When I point out the months of partying without his wife before hand, he just gets a confused look on his face and says that had nothing to do with it. To me it's obvious he decided to cheat on her months before, and was putting himself out there to allow it to happen purposefully. His wife of course very much doesn't like that idea.
> 
> ...


Foolish wife. This is why it's one strike and you're out.


----------

