# question about cheating spouses



## geo (Oct 29, 2010)

Thought I would re-post this here, might be more appropriate

I am currently separated(not legally) my wife of 22yrs left 3 weeks ago. I don't have any evidence of cheating, as well as people close to us say they don't think so either. I myself have not even done as much as hold another girls hand since we started dating 24 yrs ago.
My question is how many feel as I do that infidelity is an unforgivable act.. as well as how many have been able to regain a marital relationship after your spouse has cheated, is it possible to trust as well as see the person in the same way that you viewed them before the act.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Why are you worrying about the infidelity "what ifs"? On the surface you are saying you don't suspect your wife is cheating. Do you have a "gut feeling" that she is being unfaithful?


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

geo - 

My 1st question is the same as above. If you don't think she is cheating, why does it matter? 

However, to answer your question - is infidelity an unforgiveable act? Well, if you would have asked me this years ago then my answer would have been different because I probably would have agreed with you. But that's how I felt....................UNTIL I found out my H was having an A. Then he answer was completely different. Funny thing about how you THINK you'll feel and react until your actually faced with the situation.

In my case, it was forgivable. Because I wasn't innocent either - did I cheat or was I unfaithful? Absolutely not. Was I distant, resentful to my H, agrumentative, did my marriage lack respect, intimacy, etc? Did my actions make my H feel unloved & dejected? Were we basically 2 people living together, taking care of our kids and being parents not spouses/lovers? The answers to those questions are yes. While my H was guilty of some of that too and while there were other circumstances that I won't go into that lead us to that point, we were there and I was partly to blame. Was it right what he did? NO. But do I love my H and was I willing to right my wrongs to fix our marriage. Was it worth it? YES!

Can you treat them the same way as you did before? Honestly, no. But for me, thank goodness. My H is now my best friend (again), my lover (yay me), my partner. (again) We are probably closer than we have ever been in our 15 years of marriage. We very, very rarely fight. We compliment each other upteen times a day and are absolutely smitten. 

The wounds heal over time and still fester every once in a while, yes. Do I trust him? Yes but I now look with my eyes wide open instead of with blinders. Why? Because we communicate and I know why he did it. (again, still not right, he was wrong) But he no longer has that why. There is no reason for him to have an A. He is 100% loved here, everyday and told/shown everyday. No question. Before, he didn't think I even loved him or cared what he did.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

I agree with Mommy, 
I used to think it was something I couldn't forgive either, but my marriage also wasn't in a great place and we had become room mates to some degree....
I still have a problem with the marriage vow thing not being in tact because of the affair, but we are also working to be great spouses for each other......
It's difficult but everything about life sometimes seems difficult....
Everyone is different ...........


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## BuddyL33 (Jul 16, 2009)

geo said:


> Thought I would re-post this here, might be more appropriate
> 
> I am currently separated(not legally) my wife of 22yrs left 3 weeks ago. I don't have any evidence of cheating, as well as people close to us say they don't think so either. I myself have not even done as much as hold another girls hand since we started dating 24 yrs ago.
> My question is how many feel as I do that infidelity is an unforgivable act.. as well as how many have been able to regain a marital relationship after your spouse has cheated, is it possible to trust as well as see the person in the same way that you viewed them before the act.


The way a person handles infidelity is unique to that person. There is no one size fits all. For some it is an unforgivable act. For others it isn't. My marriage has weathered infidelity, my wife moving out, and is currently in the stages of her moving back in. At no time during the process did the thought of never forgiving her for cheating on me cross my mind. Now if she ever does it again.....


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## geo (Oct 29, 2010)

Thanks for the replies'
To answer my reason for bringing this up, I have had the red flag/ gut feelings a few times over the years. and accepted that I was being somewhat insecure and moved on, or at least thought I moved on.


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## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

How do you handle denial though? I caught my husband having a definite EA 3 years ago (never had proof of anything physical, all I know is that they did see each other). He denies to this day that anything physical ever took place. 

Here we are 3 years later, and I have come to know that after forgiving him for the EA I caught him in, he was still doing things behind my back. Meeting girls and taking their numbers. Definitely talking to them (many times in an inappropriate manner) but denies ever hanging out with them (even though I have found texts that imply he has).

How am I supposed to trust this man? Now that have confronted him again (3rd or 4th time b/c I had found pics of him on FB hanging out w some girls that he neevr told me about once or twice after the incident 3 years ago) and he knows I am considering leaving him, he realizes he messed up and it's all his fault. He realizes he neds help and wants to work on fixing things but told me he respects whatever decision I make.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

Anonny123 said:


> How do you handle denial though? I caught *my husband having a definite EA 3 years ago *(never had proof of anything physical, all I know is that they did see each other). He denies to this day that anything physical ever took place.
> 
> Here we are 3 years later, and I have come to know that after forgiving him for the EA I caught him in, he was still doing things behind my back. *Meeting girls and taking their numbers. Definitely talking to them *(many times in an inappropriate manner) but denies ever hanging out with them (even though I have found texts that imply he has).
> 
> How am I supposed to trust this man? Now that have confronted him again (3rd or 4th time b/c I had found pics of him on FB hanging out w some girls that he neevr told me about once or twice after the incident 3 years ago) and he knows I am considering leaving him, he realizes he messed up and it's all his fault. He realizes he neds help and wants to work on fixing things but told me he respects whatever decision I make.


Your husband is playing games. He wants his cake and .... 
Tell him you are down this type of behavior. Tell him 1 more time, and you'll assume the worst is happening that's he's having a full blown PA. Tell him you'll walk out the door if this is the case. Hopefully this will be enough to snap him back to reality.

As for me. Infedility is forgivable... if i'be been a douche bag!!! In other words, if my wife comes to me with concerns, ie, not feeling connected to me anymore, we don't spend enough time, not making love enough, and basically ignore her and she cheats ( not saying its right to resort to this) than i am willing to atleast work on it because i've obviously ignored all the warning signs. Right now, i don't think i'm a neglectful husband at all, i show her attention, she can't keep my hands off her, we talk all throughout the day. Now if she were to cheat... i'd really have an issue and i think only our 3 kids would make me have 2nd thoughts of not leaving right away.


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## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

yes Rob I agree he wants his cake... but my question is do I give him another chance or walk away? I do not trust him at all and I truly believe he is still lying to me by denying each and every thing I confronted him with. I've always been good to him and respected or boundaries - he chose to step all over them again and again


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

geo,
What my WS has told me, is that very few people knew of her activities, especially the people we both associated with. Basicaly she had her own "friends" I did not know. So to many that know both of us, the thought of cheating was crazy.

When she was out with our friends she would have to meet up with the OM either after our friends left the bar of at another day. The other way was, she would find OM's by simply going out with her "friends" I did not know. 

My wife always thought her past behavior was wrong, imoral, shameful, and decietful, so way let any one know about it.

She has fogiven me enough times for my bad behavior, (no cheating, just deglectful) so I thinks its only fair I forgive her, especialy since I told her to go get a boytoy so many years ago b/c I didn't want to spent the time it takes to have a marriage. Thank God those days or over, and we both have healthier behaviors toward our marriage.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

the guy said:


> geo,
> What my WS has told me, is that very few people knew of her activities, especially the people we both associated with. Basicaly she had her own "friends" I did not know. So to many that know both of us, the thought of cheating was crazy.


This is so true! If you really get to talking with the old friends, you may find out your wife hadn't seen them in ages. Or that they had actually grown distant. I now know my estranged husband had a completely different set of friends--people I didn't even know.


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