# I'm not sure I still like my husband



## mundane1 (Nov 9, 2017)

I don't seem to enjoy mu husband's company anymore and I don't really think he cares. 

- We can't hold a conversation without him making jokes about everything. Everything. I do have a sense of humor but sometimes I'd like to be able to talk about important subjects without him dodging it by trying to make puns every 5 seconds.

- We don't really kiss or have any intimate moments either. Mostly because he believes that "kissing" means just a quick peck and even then, he comes towards my face making "silly" sounds. When it comes to our sex life, he believes that foreplay is just grabbing at me whenever I'm trying to clean the bathroom, when I'm taking the trash out, studying or doing any kind of chores. And I mean grab as in stick arm out and aim for one of my body parts, like he's grabbing a bottle of water. The result of all of this is that we're only intimate when I feel like I can't dodge my 'wifely duties" anymore.

- His personal hygiene has gone completely downhill. I have to constantly tell him to take a shower, brush his teeth and use deodorant. I know how that sounds but whenever I don't, he'll go almost up to 2 weeks without doing any of that and he'll be fine with it. Even with me telling him to do all those things, I can only get him to shower once/twice a week and brush his teeth once/week.

- My sister, who lives abroad, was visiting the country so we planned lots of small little day-trips and 2 longer ones. I asked him if he wanted to tag along with us, which he agreed. But all he did was complain all the time, complain about the drive, complain about how crowded NYC was (I mean, it's NYC for goodness' sake!), complain about how we didn't know those places very well (isn't that the point of travelling?). I understand if he doesn't like travelling but he does this everytime. He won't "allow" me to go by myself or just with friends, he insists that he wants to tag along but then he just complains all the time. Like a 4 year old would. Our friends even stopped inviting us to any kind of outings and bbqs they're having.

These are just some of the key points. I've been feeling really depressed, I'm not from here and I have no one to talk to. No one. I've tried talking to him several times about reconnecting and maybe trying to get a little bit of romance back in our relationship but he either just stays quiet or makes jokes. I told him I wanted to see a therapist but he laughed and said it was a waste of time/money. 

I feel like I'm stuck in a loveless marriage, I've always been a cheerful person who likes to try new things but he's taken that spark out of me. I know I have my faults too, but I've tried to make it work. It breaks my heart that I like it when he's not home, that I feel a little bit happier whenever he has to stay late at work or there's traffic. I'm tired of living like this and I hate how he won't listen to me.

I'd really appreciate if you guys could give me some sort of advice.

Thank you.


----------



## marriageontherocks2 (Oct 4, 2017)

mundane1 said:


> - We can't hold a conversation without him making jokes about everything. Everything. I do have a sense of humor but sometimes I'd like to be able to talk about important subjects without him dodging it by trying to make puns every 5 seconds.


This would drive me flippin nuts.



mundane1 said:


> - His personal hygiene has gone completely downhill. I have to constantly tell him to take a shower, brush his teeth and use deodorant. I know how that sounds but whenever I don't, he'll go almost up to 2 weeks without doing any of that and he'll be fine with it. Even with me telling him to do all those things, I can only get him to shower once/twice a week and brush his teeth once/week.


ugghhh gross... Maybe he's depressed? I don't know what to say to that I never skip brushing my teeth even if I'm camping in the middle of the wilderness. A shower maybe I'll go a day if I'm running late and not ripe but even that's rare.



mundane1 said:


> These are just some of the key points. I've been feeling really depressed, I'm not from here and I have no one to talk to. No one.
> 
> I'd really appreciate if you guys could give me some sort of advice.
> 
> Thank you.


See a therapists and start trying ways to be happy outside your husband, suggest marriage counseling although it doesn't seem like it would do much good. Tell him exactly all this and make sure he gets the point that this will lead the marriage ending unless he takes it seriously and starts changing.


----------



## JayDee7 (Sep 12, 2017)

Have you told him all these things?

Tell him, and suggest some time apart for him to work on himself.


----------



## Jus260 (Mar 24, 2016)

May as well get the obvious questions out of the way now. 

Did he really stop taking showers all of a sudden after you got married or was this something you thought you could change about him. Unless you're mining gold in the Klondike, miles away from running water, I can't see anyone going two weeks without bathing and deodorant. 

People who are constantly making wisecracks usually aren't depressed until they get bullied. I went to high school with a guy who was a compulsive liar and his entire personality was based around annoying people on purpose. He had an odd look. That combined with his personality make him a prime candidate for bullying. He eventually transferred. He wouldn't have been an outcast of he made an actual effort to be a functional human being.


----------



## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

Ok! Apart from the paragraph in which he complains a lot and doesn't "allow" (we'll get into that later) you do to anything without him I can relate to every single thing you said. (Even the hygiene issue although my DH doesn't sound quite as grimy as yours.) Seriously. Read my thread.

You're not going to get a lot of positive responses here. People are going to tell you you're not compatible and it's time for divorce. (There are some seriously sour people on there so forgive them.) I don't think everything needs to revolve around the D word.

Things got a LOT better for us. It kills me to say this, BUT a lot of the problem was me. Yup. My insane expectations that my husband should be an interesting human being at my disposal and love me the way I want to be loved 24/7.

The way he communicates is through jest. It's frustrating when it's not funny. I do not find my husband funny. There are moments when I actually have to ask if he'd like to me laugh or giggle because whatever he said was just straight up NOT funny to me. However, pay attention to him in other environments. There ARE people who may find him funny. I've noticed a few women laugh at my husband's jokes and I don't get it, lol. What I'm saying is RESPECT who is a little more. You may not find him funny. Hell, he may not even be all that funny, but it is who he is. Unless he's being cruel, derogatory or inappropriate just let him be his kind of funny. Humour the man now and then. Or, if you choose, don't enable him. When he says something not funny, just look, politely smile and don't say a word. This is how I shut my FIL down who also thinks he's a hoot, but is just crass. Then he'll prod and be like "You get it." I'll respond with, "I do, I just didn't find it funny." He's learned not to joke with me. Basically, your husband's "humour" is not your thing. It's a turn off for you. Let this one go. Do not die on this hill. Unless humour is the MOST important thing to you in a relationship (it isn't to me, but lack of it was really bothering me for awhile there) don't let it consume you. He has many other aspects I'm sure you love. Humour ain't one of them. 

It's really hard NOT to respond negatively when you're in the middle of something and your husband comes up and bothers you. I get very annoyed when I'm doing the dishes and my husband comes up from behind me. Ya. I ain't in the mood. You know what will get me in the mood? YOU do these f-ing dishes. Needless to say I understand your frustration, here. You can always tell him, plainly" "I'd like to play around with you right now and if I didn't have to do XYZ I'd be able to, but right now, I can't." If he has half a brain he'll learn to help you out. Again, you gotta respect those dishes or that carpet that needs vacuuming is just not really all that important to him, lol. He needs to respect that it is for you (most women can't relqax when they have stuff to do) so just make it clear which times are not acceptable for that type of play.


----------



## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

mundane1 said:


> I'd really appreciate if you guys could give me some sort of advice.


If you haven't done so already, write him a letter (shows him that you're serious) and tell him clearly that you are not happy and you do not have much confidence that your marriage can become happy. If you have not yet made up your mind about leaving and he sincerely wants to work on your relationship, then give yourself a couple of months to see if your relationship can become a much happier one.


----------



## DaveinOC (Oct 15, 2017)

I feel like the core of the problem is that your hubby is taking you for granted. I will be the first one to admit that I am guilty of this as many married people are, but the fact that he feels that no matter how he acts/talks/not hygienically take care of himself, you are not gonna do anything about it.

I think you should kind of create a little mystery and make him feel slightly insecure so he can get his crap together. I personally hate it as I am actually through this with my wife at the moment. I know for sure that she's not cheating at this point but the fact that she started caring more about diet, dressing better, hanging out with friends more, prioritize herself a bit more than me, bleh bleh had me on my toes to try to make it better. I always had this attitude like YOU are the one that needs ME, not the other way around. I feel a little different about it now and as a result of me trying to be more respectful, our marriage is starting to see some improvement.


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

mundane1 said:


> .... We can't hold a conversation *without him making jokes* about everything. Everything.
> 
> .....- *We don't really kiss or have any intimate moments either*. Mostly because he believes that "kissing" means just a quick peck and even then, he comes towards my face making "silly" sounds.
> 
> ...


A few thoughts.

Have you ever considered that you might be part of the problem?

Sometimes people act silly as a way of protecting their emotional self from being hurt. If I say in a kidding manner or with a silly kissy, kissy noise that I want to be kiss you and you reject me, then I can laugh about it and try to tell myself it doesn't matter.

My wife use to tell me that I constantly pawed at her body, just to get in her pants and that I would constantly butter her up to get in her pants. She was wrong, but close to right. My primary love languages are touch and words of affirmation (praise). In Chapman's 5 Languages of Love book, he explains that each person has a way that they show and receive love based on a love language. 

For example, when I want to tell my wife that I love her, I would reach out to touch her shoulder, hug her or hold her hand. She could sense I wanted to express my love for her, but took it as a sexual advance. She then because she misinterpreted my feelings put me down and rejected me. That made me *feel rejected*. Surely you have seen the situation comedies where the young woman says to the man, "I love you!" and the man looks at her and says either "thank you or that's nice." When someone says I love you they expect their partner to say I love you back, even if it is done non-verbally in love languages.

So what you might see has his grabbing at your body, might be something totally different. You could be right or you might want to think about it.

Now, do you want a husband or a child to parent? *Stop telling him *when to brush his teeth, when to take a shower, when to pick up his dirty clothes, when to use mouthwash. You are not his mother. *You can ask him or explain to him* that you prefer to be kissed by someone who has recently brushed their teeth or used mouthwash. On the other hand, if he loves garlic, maybe you should learn to love garlic and not worry so much about his breath. 

Sometimes telling someone to do X will trigger a rebellion instinct that will cause them to absolutely not do X. The Sex Therapist who helped save my marriage told me that my wife loved to assume the role of the rebellious teenager when I tried to force her to do things. The ST helped me understand that I was a big part of my own marriage problems because of "triggering" actions on my part. You might want to think about that.

Finally, I think a therapist would be great for the two of you. Tell him that they are a lot less expensive than hiring two divorce attorneys. But don't be surprised in your therapy sessions to find out that you maybe are part of the problem.

My reading of your post is that the two of you are doing a dance that requires both to play. You are pushing each others buttons. You need to stop the dance and find a new way of interacting.

Good luck.


----------



## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

He is emotionally stunted. This won't ever change. Leave him.


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

The hygiene issue is a big one. You should not need to put up with that - I wouldn't. Is there any reason he doesn't want to shower? I mean standing in hot steamy water is really nice. Brushing teeth isn't particular fun, but its something that is expected. This really is something you shouldn't need to compromise on.

His grabbing at you for sex is only OK if you haven't communicated that you want something different. 

His conversation method may be annoying but it may be more difficult for him to change. Was he always like that?

Other questions:

Do you think he has any complaints about you? (whether or not they are reasonable?).

Was he always like this, or has he changed?


Don't stay in a marriage where you are unhappy. Do your best to find a way to fix it, but if you can't then its better to leave.


----------



## DaveinOC (Oct 15, 2017)

Young at Heart said:


> For example, when I want to tell my wife that I love her, I would reach out to touch her shoulder, hug her or hold her hand. She could sense I wanted to express my love for her, but took it as a sexual advance. She then because she misinterpreted my feelings put me down and rejected me. That made me *feel rejected*. Surely you have seen the situation comedies where the young woman says to the man, "I love you!" and the man looks at her and says either "thank you or that's nice." When someone says I love you they expect their partner to say I love you back, even if it is done non-verbally in love languages.
> 
> So what you might see has his grabbing at your body, might be something totally different. You could be right or you might want to think about it.


wow this is worded perfectly. that's my exact sentiment. for the longest time I had a problem accepting this, but realized I have to demonstrate love in ways that SHE feels it.


----------



## Slartibartfast (Nov 7, 2017)

Normally, I'd begin by telling you to demand some answers. But from what you say near the end, it sounds like he'll just be flippant and blow the demand off. But there is one thing you can do that he can't stop and that his attitude can't - certainly shouldn't - affect. That is for YOU to see a therapist. 

It is always a principle that if one partner refuses to try, the other must try alone, at least for a while. Don't hide it from him. When you have an appointment set, tell him you're going. And let nothing stop you from going. That alone may reveal something. For example, you may find that he is hugely concerned with what you and the therapist say about him. Don't discuss it with him. He may even try to frighten you out of going, because it can be scary for him.

Just tell him he's welcome to come with you. No one here can hand you any sort of credible diagnosis, process and prognosis from a few paragraphs. Working with a therapist will give you insights into both yourself and your husband. It will help you find a direction toward happiness. It may be a difficult direction, but in that case, you really, really, need the insight to carry it out. 

Don't make a plan or try anything new just now. Get to a therapist as soon as possible and get started. It probably won't produce anything clearly the first session or the second, but things may start to clear by the third. I guarantee you that you possess the information you need to move in a positive direction, but I also can say with confidence that you don't know what information it is or how to use it. Therapist don't fix things. They help you learn what it takes to fix things. 

If you have no idea how to find a therapist, ask around. You can ask the Social Work Department at a hospital. You can ask the local women's center. If you have insurance that covers it, get the full list of providers from the insurance company. You're likely going to want a psychologist or a licensed counselor. Both are listed in Yellow Pages and on the Internet. And your primary care physician might have some.


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

DaveinOC said:


> wow this is worded perfectly. that's my exact sentiment. for the longest time I had a problem accepting this, but realized I have to demonstrate love in ways that SHE feels it.


One of my breakthrough moments in saving my marriage was when I realized that my wife's love languages were acts of service and quality time. 

Then I understood how her act of service of cooking me a hot meal and having it ready for me after I got home from work (something she learned from her mother) was how she told me she loved me. When I came home late and the dinner was ruined, she was rejected and felt unloved and made my eating dinner hell. So I quickly left the table spoiling her quality time.

Ultimately, I learned that if I brought her coffee in bed in the morning and as she woke up we talked she started each day with an act of service and quality time from her husband and that made her feel loved and cherished. 

At night I came home and was her assistant in the kitchen, chopping vegetables, making the salad, or stirring things so she should go to elaborate lengths to really show how much love she had for me. Then at dinner we would talk about the day we had and she would end the day feeling loved in her love languages.

Chapman's book isn't for everyone, but wow did it help save my marriage. It may not work for everyone but it is worth thinking about and trying.


----------



## DaveinOC (Oct 15, 2017)

Young at Heart said:


> One of my breakthrough moments in saving my marriage was when I realized that my wife's love languages were acts of service and quality time.
> 
> Then I understood how her act of service of cooking me a hot meal and having it ready for me after I got home from work (something she learned from her mother) was how she told me she loved me. When I came home late and the dinner was ruined, she was rejected and felt unloved and made my eating dinner hell. So I quickly left the table spoiling her quality time.
> 
> ...


This is awesome. It's amazing how everytime I think my situation is so beyond ****ty and unique in its nature, I always end up seeing countless posts on this forum that describes 100% in sync with what I am going through. It's great that it worked out for you and I am hoping that she would get me soon too as I work on our love languages the way she deems appropriate.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Joint counseling for the both of you together with a seasoned counselor who whose objective will be to help work with him on his issues much rather than attempting to shame him or just “beat him up!”

Good luck, m’dear!*


----------



## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

Is there any way to bargain with him about the hygiene issue? I mean, finding a respectful and loving way to convey to him that the better his hygiene is, the more passion you feel for him and the more skin-on-skin time you'll both be able to enjoy. I noticed you mentioned how he only gives pecks as kisses and right now I would think you'd be grateful for that considering his lack of oral care. But if you want intimate foreplay and he wants sex, with the right conversation you and he could strike a deal that serves you both, and the marriage itself, quite well. 

The joking thing would annoy the crap out of me. I would address that with repeated canned responses to that sort of behavior until he gets that it is not working. Like, perhaps a look, a pregnant pause, pointedly not addressing whatever silly joke or pun he just made, followed by a continuation or a repetition of what you were saying/asking. Over and over and over again.


----------

