# Think It's Time To Throw In The Towel?



## lonelywolf (Mar 2, 2020)

I wanted to start a new thread in hopes to be a little clearer and just to clarify that my thoughts are correct. I have been married for 12 years and met my wife through the internet. I'm not from here and didn't have any ties to here. I moved here for opportunity due to being disabled by my military service but, it's been anything but opportunity. Marriage has been okay but, the past few years have been an eye opener to me and just some realizations I've came to. Looking back on things I've realized that I've allowed more than I should have.

An example is that she would come home from her job at the time and take out her stress on me by yelling at me if I didn't something or do something right. Another thing that happened is that a few years back it was during the winter here and it was cold. The fuel pump on my vehicle quit at random and she was with me but, got angry because it was cold and we couldn't call anyone to help and she didn't want to wait for a tow service. Luckily, I got it started but, I remember that now. 

The thing that really woke me up is the death of a close family member. Through that I found that other family members became selfish/greedy and had taken money that was suppose to go into a trust to help me. My wife didn't seem upset or to really care that those family members had stolen from me. This family member also passed away unexpectedly and without any notice. 

The other thing without getting too much detail is that we found out is we couldn't have kids naturally. So, one of my wife's friends had another friend that had a daughter who had some problems and that family wasn't sure if they could help her support another child because of these problems. But, I had some reservations/concerns because of the situation and in a fit of rage she said "so, you're not going to do this? Well, look at what your family did to you!" This was after another family member that I liked had also passed away so that cut deep emotionally. After that I haven't looked at things the same since.

To add to things, years ago I agreed that I would carry the financial load while she completed her education in which she did and I have been carrying majority of the financial load for 8 years now. But, here's my issue with it. When we bought this property the agreement was that we would build a garage. Over the years I have proposed different things even cheaper ideas and it's a different reason why it can't be done. So, now it's been changed to we can consider the idea once the pay the home is paid for which around 8 years away. 

Before you reply I'm going to write a few more things in a hopefully shorter post below.


----------



## lonelywolf (Mar 2, 2020)

So, with all of this it got me to thinking about this and life in general. One day I asked her what I should do if for some odd reason I got left some family heirlooms like furniture or even larger items like a vehicle. Her response was to either sell them off or just get a storage unit to store them. I was like okay and then she changed the subject. 

The other problem I don't feel appreciated anymore. I recently told her that I felt I haven't been "strong" enough and that I have been weak about a lot of things. She acted offended when I tried to present it in a calm or truthful manner. She didn't like what I had to say but, I wasn't hateful and admitted my fault in that. She says she would be hurt if she lost me but, I don't know. It's hard for me to look at her the same after all of this especially after I've stuck through her with her issues but, when the roles are reversed she hasn't done the same so far.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Everyone has senseless arguments once in a while and says hurtful things.
You say you’ve been totally supporting her for 8 years? How long can one remain a student before they actually get a job??????


----------



## lonelywolf (Mar 2, 2020)

With a new and more recent serious health issue I've had I think I've reached a point where I'm considering jumping the fence to at least a separation because I've been struggling with things looking at the fence. With everything recently the writing I currently see on the wall for myself is nothing changing long term. It works for her but, not for me. It scares me because after this I have no family, friends, or supportive network here but, then at this point I don't have anyone either other than my pet. 

So, I've tried talking to her calmly but, it seems to fall on deaf ears or she's get upset offended. The romance has been lost with all of this and I'm trying to grasp on what's left but, maybe I'm just grasping for air at this point.


----------



## TomNebraska (Jun 14, 2016)

lonelywolf said:


> So, with all of this it got me to thinking about this and life in general. One day I asked her what I should do if for some odd reason I got left some family heirlooms like furniture or even larger items like a vehicle. Her response was to either sell them off or just get a storage unit to store them. I was like okay and then she changed the subject.
> 
> The other problem I don't feel appreciated anymore. I recently told her that I felt I haven't been "strong" enough and that I have been weak about a lot of things. She acted offended when I tried to present it in a calm or truthful manner. She didn't like what I had to say but, I wasn't hateful and admitted my fault in that. She says she would be hurt if she lost me but, I don't know. It's hard for me to look at her the same after all of this especially after I've stuck through her with her issues but, when the roles are reversed she hasn't done the same so far.


It's a good thing you don't have kids together. Sounds like that won't unintentionally happen, so consider yourself lucky. Do not have kids with her!

I think it's good to start a thread to work through your thoughts here. I think you need to know a couple things: What is possible, and what you want. 

One thing I learned is that it's important to speak up, set boundaries for yourself, and not let other people violate them. Tolerating problems or personal unhappiness is not always admirable or a positive trait. Some of us are taught to be stoic, others are by nature, but a lot of our situation is not set in stone, and there's nothing good about tolerating a bad situation and making yourself a victim. 

I think if I were in your shoes, (even assuming your needs are otherwise being met by her) she doesn't seem like the kind of person to grow old with. She's too selfish and dismissive of you to consider standing by you when you need it. Imagine being bedridden... is she going to care for you like you would for her? Those thoughts jumped out at me, reading your posts. She seems very callous and only in tune with her own situation. 

Roughly how old are both of you? You don't have to provide exact ages.


----------



## lonelywolf (Mar 2, 2020)

Evinrude58 said:


> Everyone has senseless arguments once in a while and says hurtful things.
> You say you’ve been totally supporting her for 8 years? How long can one remain a student before they actually get a job??????


You know, I did think of that but, she knows what other those family members did to me and for her to say that at a time like that really cut deep. When she said those words is after I brought up that maybe we should also consider looking at surrogacy as option and that's when she spoke those words.

As for supporting her she got a job this past year but, she has no intention of paying for the the other bills based upon what I wrote above. Sometimes, I feel like she doesn't like even paying for groceries even though I still help buying the smaller things.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

If she's not willing to put in the work to make the marriage good for BOTH of you (i.e. go to counseling, read the books, SHOW by actions that she is trying), not sure what you can do. YOU cannot change her -- you can only change/improve yourself.

Have you started trying to meet new people to make friends (I know very hard to do with Covid stuff, and actually hard to do in general)? (meetup.com)
Have you started working on yourself? YOU go to your own counseling, work fixing your own issues.

STOP accepting her yelling at you for things NOW. Start changing your dynamic with her NOW. You will either see her starting to take actions like she WANTS to continue in the marriage or won't.

Many folks get very complacent after they get married and fall into habits. Sounds like your wife is like that : got married, so all the work is now done and we can just coast along. It seems pretty obvious to me that SHE doesn't understand how serious this is to you.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

lonelywolf said:


> You know, I did think of that but, she knows what other those family members did to me and for her to say that at a time like that really cut deep. When she said those words is after I brought up that maybe we should also consider looking at surrogacy as option and that's when she spoke those words.
> 
> As for supporting her she got a job this past year but, she has no intention of paying for the the other bills based upon what I wrote above. Sometimes, I feel like she doesn't like even paying for groceries even though I still help buying the smaller things.


Why does her pay not contribute to the household? At the very least, she should be paying the percentage of all the bills.
If you make 70% and she makes 30% of the total income, then she should be paying 30% of the total bills.


----------



## lonelywolf (Mar 2, 2020)

TomNebraska said:


> It's a good thing you don't have kids together. Sounds like that won't unintentionally happen, so consider yourself lucky. Do not have kids with her!
> 
> I think it's good to start a thread to work through your thoughts here. I think you need to know a couple things: What is possible, and what you want.
> 
> ...


Thank you. I know people here are only getting one side of the story. As for ages I'm 39 and she's 46. As for boundaries I haven't been very good at setting them until now and perhaps I'm see the results of that even with trying to talk with her. As I said she admitted that she hasn't treated me well and I look back on that now and ask myself why did I allow this. I think it might be too late but, not sure. I'm just trying to grasp if there is any hope left but, maybe I answered my own question as well.


----------



## lonelywolf (Mar 2, 2020)

jlg07 said:


> If she's not willing to put in the work to make the marriage good for BOTH of you (i.e. go to counseling, read the books, SHOW by actions that she is trying), not sure what you can do. YOU cannot change her -- you can only change/improve yourself.
> 
> Have you started trying to meet new people to make friends (I know very hard to do with Covid stuff, and actually hard to do in general)? (meetup.com)
> Have you started working on yourself? YOU go to your own counseling, work fixing your own issues.
> ...


I've come to that realization that I can't change her but, I've never really expected her to change. When I married I thought I was marrying someone who would be my best friend but, over time I feel like I've lost identity and my self worth. I feel cut down and uncertain and scared. Sometimes you don't see or overlook thing until you are married. As for meeting for people here. I have tried different avenues; events, social media, work, and other ways even before the current situation. Just never really clicked here and that's okay I'll just move along. Where I live there isn't nice mountains, lakes, or rivers.


----------



## lonelywolf (Mar 2, 2020)

I think she has gotten use to me doing what I do. She makes more than I do but, here's the other part. For example this last stimulus check I feel lucky that I even got $500. Her money goes toward her other bills right now and I don't mind helping but, I need a break or somewhat of a break. When, I've talked to her in the past about it her response is that I get paid an extra $90 for being married to her with my disability but, that goes back into paying for vehicle security service and the groceries that I buy along with I contribute to part of her fuel bill to drive to work.

To be honest, I don't mind paying for the bills but,the problem I have is the fair use of things and I would like to have a break since I have helped her pay medical and vet bills in the past. Also, in the past I proposed that I wanted to a cheap carport thing on the property which and she'll complain that it takes up too much yard.


----------



## lonelywolf (Mar 2, 2020)

Also, I'm not trying to complain here but, I really don't have anywhere else to turn. To be honest I'm scared and confused but, deep down I know I can't go on like this either.


----------



## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

When I read what you wrote it doesn’t sound like she is a terrible person. To me it sounds like your didn’t want to upset her I’m the past and stand up for yourself, and all of a sudden you are unhappy with her treatment even though she has no idea how you felt. It’s not really fair for her. Your springing something up and all of a sudden your unhappy with her and it’s too late. It’s not fair to her. 

Your picking really random stories and things to be mad at which I find strange. I’m sure if you tell her hey, I am getting a carport because it’s really important to me, I bet she won’t care. 

Anyway, it sounds like you are already over her.


----------



## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Also what the heck is she suppose to do with your hypothetical family heirlooms? 
You are testing her, asking her a hypothetical question and getting upset with her answer. And frankly my answer would of been the same as hers.


----------



## TomNebraska (Jun 14, 2016)

Girl_power said:


> When I read what you wrote it doesn’t sound like she is a terrible person. To me it sounds like your didn’t want to upset her I’m the past and stand up for yourself, and all of a sudden you are unhappy with her treatment even though she has no idea how you felt. It’s not really fair for her. Your springing something up and all of a sudden your unhappy with her and it’s too late. It’s not fair to her.
> 
> Your picking really random stories and things to be mad at which I find strange. I’m sure if you tell her hey, I am getting a carport because it’s really important to me, I bet she won’t care.
> 
> Anyway, it sounds like you are already over her.


I don't think it's really fair to blame the person getting mistreated for it... especially in this case where it's reasonable to think some resentment can be tied to expectations he would provide for her in school in exchange for her taking care of more of the bills when she's done and earning a higher salary. 

And in my experience, people that like to take advantage of others or have been abused in the past are often "pros" at the game, and come fully prepared for relationship conflict. They know how to lie, obfuscate, shift blame, project guilt, etc. and that can catch more innocent folks off guard. No one ever comes right out and says "I know I'm being unfair to you and I don't care." 

that being said, yeah, he needs to decide what matters to him and go do it. No more being the victim here. If she can't or won't start to compromise, then exit may be the only option. 



Girl_power said:


> Also what the heck is she suppose to do with your hypothetical family heirlooms?
> You are testing her, asking her a hypothetical question and getting upset with her answer. And frankly my answer would of been the same as hers.


Edit: nevermind; I thought he had specific items in mind. 

I do think each party should have some space in the residence for their things, while being respectful of the overall house, decor, & functionality.

Having been on the receiving end of a mentally disordered partner that made a conscious effort to isolate me from friends and family, and would often throw my things away behind my back, and refused to allow me to keep a couple tupperware bins of old family photos, heirlooms and mementos in the closet, maybe I'm just more sensitive to how this could be seen as an issue, or more abuse in his relationship. 

(I ended up getting a storage unit and moving everything in there, paying for it with cash withdrawn from our joint account for the last year of the marriage)


----------



## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

TomNebraska said:


> I don't think it's really fair to blame the person getting mistreated for it... especially in this case where it's reasonable to think some resentment can be tied to expectations he would provide for her in school in exchange for her taking care of more of the bills when she's done and earning a higher salary.
> 
> And in my experience, people that like to take advantage of others or have been abused in the past are often "pros" at the game, and come fully prepared for relationship conflict. They know how to lie, obfuscate, shift blame, project guilt, etc. and that can catch more innocent folks off guard. No one ever comes right out and says "I know I'm being unfair to you and I don't care."
> 
> ...


I just seem to think that there is way more to the story than he is giving us. 
I understand your experience and how your sensitive to it. I’m sensitive to this situation as well because I was with someone who never ever complained or said anything, I always asked him if he was happy and If there was anything I could do to improve things and he always said no. Years later he as just done with me, had so much resentment, and it all came out one day. Didn’t want to do therapy because he was just done. I was caught completely off guard and I was upset that he didn’t communicate throughout the relationship because I would have tried to change. My ex was so afraid of confrontation he never said a word. I don’t think that was fair of him. He was also always the victim. 

I think the OP just needs to speak up. This isn’t his mom, he doesn’t need to ask permission. He can have a discussion with her, and he can advocate for himself.


----------



## TomNebraska (Jun 14, 2016)

Girl_power said:


> I just seem to think that there is way more to the story than he is giving us.
> I understand your experience and how your sensitive to it. I’m sensitive to this situation as well because I was with someone who never ever complained or said anything, I always asked him if he was happy and If there was anything I could do to improve things and he always said no. Years later he as just done with me, had so much resentment, and it all came out one day. Didn’t want to do therapy because he was just done. I was caught completely off guard and I was upset that he didn’t communicate throughout the relationship because I would have tried to change. My ex was so afraid of confrontation he never said a word. I don’t think that was fair of him. He was also always the victim.
> 
> I think the OP just needs to speak up. This isn’t his mom, he doesn’t need to ask permission. He can have a discussion with her, and he can advocate for himself.


"holding it in" can be abusive in and of itself, if one decides to make themselves "the victim." That's an unhealthy relationship dynamic for sure.

Sounds like you did what you could, but he had his own issues there.

I think those of us who were raised to be good partners by well-meaning parents were not prepared to deal with partners that take advantage of this.

My girlfriend sometimes asks me why I tolerated some of the behavior from my XW as long as I did, and I think that's part of why: I grew up learning that it was important to make your partner happy ("happy wife, happy life!"), and listen to their requests and take their complaints in good faith. But this leads to disaster if you're with someone who doesn't know how to be happy, and is never satisfied. or has abandonment issues and needs constant reassurance. I likened the struggle to having to fill a bottomless pit. 

No one ever told me to set boundaries for myself and learn to enforce them. And make others respect them. 

Another reason is that she was always ready for conflict... upping the stakes on an otherwise placid evening by screaming, making a scene at the store, picking a fight when I was on my way to work, etc. Text bombing me when she knew I was at a conference or long meeting. 

They don't fight fair, and that wears you down and makes you less likely to speak up a lot of the time.

But still no excuse, I've learned... you gotta fight these battles sometime.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

As bad as you have it, others here show you it can be worse.

With a few exceptions!


----------

