# In Shock



## I_Am_Unwritten83 (May 31, 2021)

_I recently found out my husband feels he’s bisexual and is curious. We’ve been together for 15 years, and he casually mentioned that he was “a little curious,” but his tone implied it wasn’t a serious curiosity. Aside from being bi, he confessed to having a hookup with a guy back before we even knew each other. He was upset and ashamed talking about it. He also admitted he was still curious. Taking this all in was shocking enough. I have my own anxiety and emotional issues that affect how I take in information and cope with things, so it’s been difficult trying to process what he’s telling me. I feel like it hasn’t all sunk in yet. I reminded him I don’t have issues with gay or bi people, and I acknowledged how hard it must’ve been for him to repress that memory and those feelings. I even reached a point where I was willing to let him explore those feelings more, as long as we laid some ground rules. At that point, I was still reeling a bit from the revelation, but had a glimmer of “ok, maybe this can work for us.” Until yesterday. He said we had to talk. Then he told me “it already happened.” The day he’d told me about his previous hookup, he’d told me he had to work late, but really had gone to meet some guy he’d been emailing for a couple days. They didn’t go “all the way,” but still did things......I have all kinds of thoughts and emotions. We’ve had a couple lengthy, serious, emotional discussions and he’s been very remorseful and emotional and has blocked the guy’s number and emails, and he’s agreed to go to counseling together. He’s also given me all his passwords to his phone and social media accounts. I don’t know how I should feel. I haven’t cried yet...like I’m more worried about how HE’S feeling and want to comfort him. I don’t want this to end our marriage, but I don’t understand why I’m not more upset yet. I’m thrown off by it not being a “full on affair”, for lack of better words. Like it wasn’t with another woman—who I’d view as competition and be more jealous about—and it wasn’t an actual affair that went on for a time...but it was still something that hurt me and he shouldn’t have done. Is this numb feeling normal? I’m normally very sensitive and emotional, so I’m wondering if it just hasn’t completely sunk in yet and this is the calm before the storm._


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I’m so very sorry. I divorced my husband for the same thing. He finally admitted to being gay, and not bisexual, after I left him.

Your husband has cheated on you and now wants you to be his warden so he won’t do it again. That is just not okay.

My guess is that he is actually gay but can’t accept it yet. How is your sex life? Is he still showing interest in you? I predict that he’ll have more and more trouble performing with you as he explores having sex with men. If you aren’t ready to leave him I highly recommend that you tell him he has to get some therapy.

In the meantime, visit Straightspouse.com for support. They have counselors and a forum with lots of helpful people. Also feel free to message me with any more specific questions or if you just need to vent or get support.

And finally, big _hugs_ to you. This is a most difficult time. You will get through it.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Do not hesitate. Move forward with divorce. This man in the long run will leave you for a man. Do not waste anymore time of your life with him, you will deeply regret it. Your choice. Just remember, your husband will sooner or later start exposing you to deadly STIs. Do you want that? Do you want to find out some day that you're infected with a STI that will never get away? 
These men when they finally accept themselves for who they are and start hooking up with other males, they tend to be risk takers in their euphoric sexual release. So you most protect yourself at all cost.

Do not let fear run your life. Do what you know needs to be done. The sooner the better. Otherwise, in time we'll see you back with a new header: my husband left me for another man.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@I_Am_Unwritten83 Firstly, get checked for STDs. Maybe he hasn't gone all the way, maybe he has. Don't take the risk.

He wants to play the field? Make him a free agent by divorcing him?

If you don't want to divorce him you need to explore postnuptial agreements, perhaps with couple's counselling and individual counselling, also.

I know a woman, I used to work with her, who is married to a bisexual man. It seems to work for them, so divorce under your circumstances may not be the only option.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You‘ll have to decide if you want to spend the rest of your life in this situation because he’s very likely gay and that’s what he’ll tend to focus on as time passes.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I've had one serious LTR and one long term FWB decide they were lesbian and dumped me for other women, so I have had some experience with this kind of thing although the genders shouldn't matter - it really does. 

In my case, I probably would have been ok with them getting with some other women on the side as long as they continued to maintain the relationship with me and meet my needs,,, and especially if they were to bring the other women home for 3somes with me - but that's just me, I know not every thinks the way I do. 

But it is fundamentally different with the topic being male bisexuality (it probably shouldn't be different - but it is) 

It comes down to your own values and mores and beliefs on the topics of sexual preference and masculinity and monogamy and open marriage etc etc etc. 

It comes down to a simple are you ok with this??? Does the fact he has an desire for getting with other men sit well with you?? Does the fact he is bisexual make you lose a lot of respect and attraction for him? 

And let's not overlook the fact he essentially cheated on you. 

Does it make a difference to you that it was a dude and not another woman? For some women it would not make one iota of difference. Some women will give a free pass that it was a guy and not a woman. And some women will be even MORE disgusted and turned off that it was with another man. 

You cannot tell him to not be bi, he is what he is. BUT, you do have a right to be in a sexually exclusive relationship and have the right to expect your partner to adhere to an exclusivity agreement whether it is with the same sex or the opposite sex. 

I mean after all, 90+ % of us are heterosexual and are attracted to the opposite sex and yet we are still expected to not get with others while we are in an exclusive relationship. 

And he also will need to do some soul searching into his own identity and what his own parameters and boundaries are. 

If you want to be in an exclusive relationship, will he be able to keep it in his pants where other men are concerned or is his attraction to men too strong to remain monogamous with you? 

These are all topics that you both my need professional counseling and therapy to work through.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Whether a man or woman its still cheating and I do wonder if its happened before. Do you have children? Oh and BTW he will need to get tested for STD's so dont have sex with him.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

I’m sorry, I can only imagine how devastating this must be.
You need to accept the (if not fact, overwhelming probability) that he’s gay. 
Get out, it won’t get any better by trying to work through this. Even if he’s actually “just” bi, do you really want that for your husband?


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## I_Am_Unwritten83 (May 31, 2021)

_Thank you all for the responses. He did tell me the details of the hookup, and just to be safe, he did go get tested for STIs. We are awaiting the results. We do have a child, so we have someone else to consider in all of this. I know promises of never doing it again and feeling sick about it sound cliche, but that’s where we’re at. We have contacted a therapist, so we’ll be starting therapy soon. This is also a shock for me because he still showed interest in me and we still had a sex life. You’ve all given me a lot to think about._


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You are in the I know but don’t want to believe it syndrome.

sorry for you.


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