# Men say there simple, but I'm confused!



## Lanilla (Jan 20, 2012)

My H and I are currently separated (since January 18 - I know, it's killin me) Since this time I have been horrible at keeping in my emotions... but lately I've supressed them around him and have just supported his way of communication (hardly any) But I have noticed the less I say, the more he talks (which tell me alot about myself, LOL) He told me back in February that he felt we needed to start all over before he would want to "jump back in" to the marriage and of course I needed a definition of this: We have to become friends again and then date and go from there. And of course I'm thinking (but we're already married). So, this week, I've noticed he's starting to open up to me again, alittle bit, and I'm hoping this is the "friendship" phase. But, he doesn't seem interested in me anymore, he doesn't compliment me, or look twice or, all that stuff us women love. So, I decided to ask him, "Are you still interested in me, cause it seems like you're not, am I right?" I figured this would answer two questions for me, the obvious one and whether or not we have a future. He said I was wrong and that we were just "going through stuff right now" Does "right now" mean we'll be out of "this stuff" later? He's got such a poker face! Ugh!!


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

i dont believe any individual is simple and that just based off the sex of an individual they are automatically "simple".


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## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

I wasn't there for my wife's emotions and she is currently cheating on me. Talk to him, if he wants to start over, do it. Start by talking. I doubt he realizes he is over looking you. I didn't realize I did it to my wife. My wife is done though. She said she tried to talk to me but I didn't see her or hear. She asked if she was to hit me with a frying pan to wake me up and I told her if that is what it takes. But she is not willing to try anymore has moved on to OM.

Sounds like you can recover but it will take both of you talking to make it work. Not just him talking about stuff to you but about you as well.

Good luck and keep posting. I'm pulling for you and hope you don't end up where I am.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Lanilla said:


> He said I was wrong and that we were just "going through stuff right now" Does "right now" mean we'll be out of "this stuff" later? He's got such a poker face! Ugh!!


Seems pretty simple to me but I`m not emotionally invested in the outcome of this conversation so it`s easy for me.



The statement to me reads as if he believes this is a bump in the road of your relationship that he expects to be able to get past.

Women really have to believe a man literally when he speaks like this and not try to read anything into it.(Why do y`all do that?).

He said you think he`s not interested in you, he said, "You`re wrong".

Unless he has a reason for blatantly lying take him at his word.


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## Lanilla (Jan 20, 2012)

@ I want the Kids! - I've talked to him, believe me! I actually think I've talked to him too much! I'm always reading about how couples need to communicate, so I did. But, at the end of every conversation I did this, he left feeling like he wasn't the man I was looking for or he felt attacked, like he was the "a$$hole" in it. But, of course, I always reassured him that we both had to put in the same amount of effort... It wasn't until recently (during our separation) that I realized, he's just not the "type" of guy I was used to in the past and that I was throwing another "type" of guy onto him to be (but that's a whole 'nother conv). 
@ Tacoma - Thanks for the advice. My H does tell me alot that I always think he's saying more than he does... But I know how women operate (being one) and there's always more to us then saying, "I'm fine" lol. 
I guess it always gets to me that he's been gone for 5 months now and I'm wondering if he's more content apart then w/me. I'm trying not to call him or text him to give him his space, but, we still have to see each other b/c of our 1yr old. (Mainly Hi and Bye) But he still kisses me goodbye... I'm unsure if he does this for my sanity or b/c he really means it... 
How much "space" does a guy need?


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

Lanilla- Men ARE simple, and you ARE confused.

So let me try to re-frame it for you.

In any relationship with a man, you have to pay attention to 2 things.

1) What the man SAYS.

2) What the man DOES.

Ideally, these two things are in agreement, and everything is cool.

But sometimes, these things are NOT aligned, and that causes women to become confused.

The way to escape the confusion is to pay much less attention to what the man SAYS, and focus much more on what he DOES.

So let's use this principle to examine your current situation.

1) Your husband has chosen to separate from you and your newborn child, as opposed to being under the same roof like normal husbands do.

2) Your husband interacts with you on his terms. He sees you when he wants to, limits his contact, and always has an escape route planned.

These are his actions. His actions indicate that he is not emotionally invested in you. This is a bad stance for a husband to have towards his wife.

Now, let's listen to him.

1) Blah, blah, blah, work on us, blah, blah, blah, <insert vague answer to specific question here>.

His responses, as you have quoted them, can be described in one word, and that word is

BULLSH1T.

Lanilla, any man worth having makes plans. He has, at minimum, a general idea of where he wants to be in life.

If your husband wanted to be living with you as man and wife, he would be explaining to you what the problems were to the best of his ability. He would be trying REALLY HARD to solve those problems, WITH YOUR KNOWLEDGE AND HELP, so that he could get back together with you.

Instead, you get bullsh1t and platitudes.

It's what your husband ISN'T saying that reveals his feelings.

In answer to your last question regarding how much space a guy needs, the answer is

A lot less than your husband has right now, if he wants to be married. But just about the right amount to be a single guy.

Do some research on the 180, and consider implementing it for your own emotional well being.

Good luck to you!


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I agree with "NotLikeYou".

I haven't read your entire story, but I don't think being separated is the answer. If the REAL plan is to work on your relationship, then he should be living with you and your one year old.

You guys are married ... not dating.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

You have a one year old, have been separated for 5 months, and he wants to be friends, then date?

He's not in love with you. Unless you were running around cheating or being abusive or something, a new father would be at home with his wife if he at all wants to be married. Your husband doesn't want to be married. Guess he wasn't ready for the husband/father life. He wants to be single and fancy-free. 

I'd back off if I were you. Stop trying so hard. Focus on your child and yourself. Honestly, he needs to prove to you that he wants to be and is a good husband and father before you should spend much energy focused on him. You deserve a husband, and your child deserves a father. You certainly don't need your husband to pretend to be single so you can date him.


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