# I screwed up everything



## RobertPaulson (May 17, 2013)

I don’t really know what I hope to gain by posting here, but I’ve been lurking on these boards for the last two and a half months, and have come to value all of your opinions and collective wisdom immensely. So I suppose I would like to have some of that directed at my situation since I've never really been very good at introspection. I know this will open me up to a lot of potential criticism but I’m fairly sure that it won’t be any worse than the thoughts that already go through my head on a daily basis at this point anyway.

I am a cheater. I know this site is about marriage but we are not married. Me 30 her 26. We are both once divorced (actually hers is still pending but may as well be over for all it matters to her emotionally). We have been together going on 3 years, no kids but she has a 4 year old daughter from her marriage and we have lived together for a year and a half. DDay was Feb 27 when my girlfriend finally had enough of just being suspicious and asked up front to see the telephone records. She suspected I was still texting my XW and I was, had been even though she had caught me once before in April ’12. There wasn’t even much there that was flirtatious, mostly just comparing lives post-D, so at the time I couldn't have told you why I kept up with it, but I’ve come to understand that I have difficulty turning down female attention. GF asked if there was more and I lied.
After she left for work I freaked and changed the password for the phone records and ignored her texts and calls all day. I got all my **** packed expecting to be thrown out but she begged me to stay and talk it out. She had to drag the rest out of me for the next couple of days. The dating sites. The ONS from when we had only been seeing each other for a few months. Three visits to ‘full-service’ massage parlors. And a two-month EA/PA with a friends’ separated sbtxw consisting of kissing at a mutual friend’s wedding (before they were separated) followed by some texting over the next couple of months (as they were separating) finally culminating in sex at her place (after separation) while GF was at work. I say EA but I don’t feel like I ever considered it as more than masturbation+. She asked for more but I told her that I felt like it was the worst thing I had ever done and didn’t ever want to see her again.

What got GF suspicious in the first place was that the sex had dropped off. For the first two years or so sex was fantastic and we would go at it 3-5 times a week, sometimes multiple times. But after my last brothel visit (July ’12) I had resolved to never ever do that again, and started upping my porn usage in a misguided attempt to compensate. Like, every day, sometimes two to three times a day. And I didn’t see a problem with it.

After DDay I started IC with a counselor at the local veteran readjustment center and that has been going pretty well, he's helped me to examine my life and the choices I've made, but insofar as an answer to the why of it I've been mostly stumped except for attempting to fill a lack of intimacy due to emotional avoidance from ptsd combined with lingering sexual issues from my failed marriage. My XW was raped while I was deployed, and sex was never good. She would frequently get angry during the act and get very critical. We got married young on a lark and I'm fairly confident that she cheated on me too, although I never sought counseling for any of it.

GF agreed to attempt R and we have been seeing a MC to try and help her with the fallout, but have only been able to attend one session early this month due to finances and scheduling since GF has started a new job. I have tried to be empathetic and to answer all GF’s questions without getting defensive but I’ll be honest – communication was never my strong suit and I’m still pretty confused about what was going on in my head anyway. It’s been very frustrating, only had sex 4 times in the last 3 months and while I understand that is more than I deserve it hasn’t helped with overcoming my porn addiction. I am, frankly, quite discouraged at our prospects and while I try to stay strong to help her continue it has started to seep into our conversations, causing her to feel even less close to me.

I’m getting desperate, feel like I’m wasting her time. I always feel guilty and ashamed and like I can’t live with this hanging over me. I’m considering asking her to try sleeping with someone else in order to both even the playing field and to get an opportunity to better understand the hurt I have caused. Not really sure how that conversation would play out.

So… advice? Comments? Scathing criticism is expected and accepted, but please try to temper it with something constructive. Thank you.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

What caused her (pending) divorce? It seems like it may have been you. 

What caused your divorce? 

You are both relatively young - but old enough to have your morals established. And from where I sit, it looks like you are both lacking. 

It may be better for both of you to just separate - at least until her divorce is final. You both need to see counselors about your lives to this point and see if there is any real future with each other or with anyone else in a committed relationship.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Married is married. GF and BF are just that. There is a difference. You broke no contract. Be honest with her. Tell her what you've done. Let the chips fall. Then either get s*** or get off the pot.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

You are not fit for a long term commitment like marriage or even a relationship. You cheated on your XW, your gf, your friend and even his stbxw. Stop dragging people into your sh!t


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## RobertPaulson (May 17, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> What caused her (pending) divorce? It seems like it may have been you.
> 
> What caused your divorce?
> 
> ...


Her divorce wasn't my fault, I wasn't even the first guy she has been with since her stbxh, although I was the first serious relationship. Her stbxh is abusive and alcoholic (drunken DV police report and everything). They had been living separately for six months by the time I met her, and from how she tells it they were both checked out of the relationship for a year before that.

As for my divorce, my ex was extremely young (20 when I was 26) and as I said, we did it on a lark without either of us really knowing what we were getting ourselves into. She has major sexual issues, besides the incident of rape that I mentioned she lived with a lot of sexual abuse while growing up. She quickly came to the conclusion that I was holding her back in her life, and fights got worse and worse. I think it was the sixth or seventh time that she screamed at me that she wanted a divorce that I finally gave it to her.

I am lucky in that, being a veteran, I have access to inexpensive mental health services. Her medical benefits at the new job don't kick in for another two months but I will definitely recommend that.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Leave her be. 

Then get counselling to fix yourself before you date again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Here is something constructive.
Does a 4 year old chlid's life need to be dominated by a divorce, then a schackup, then a cheating shackup? Do you think the drama is healthy for a child? Please, think about this child and extract yourself from this unhealthy relationship while advising your girlfriend to protect her child by not living with men any more until the child is 18years old.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bonnie (Nov 16, 2012)

this is off the wall different, but my friend was like a nympho, really, then she seen some holistic person, and her chakra was actually off, they did some meditation and whatever else, and now she is normal....I know totally off the wall, but had to say it.
I do feel bad for the kiddo.
It just sounds to me that you are selfish....its selfish. I think you keep everyone at arms length, like your gf, and then, this way your not so emotionally involved. So cheating and all that is not that big to you. YOu did say that you normally dont put your stuff out there. If you communicated more and let her in your life more, maybe you would feel more LOYALTY


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## Bonnie (Nov 16, 2012)

towards your gf


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## Viseral (Feb 25, 2011)

I'll give you credit for being honest. That takes courage.

Clearly, you have a lot of issues to sort through. Why don't you take a break from all relationships for a long while and work on yourself. 

One of the hardest things to do in life is to look in the mirror and accept yourself for who you really are, warts and all. It starts there, and then you have to work really hard on yourself to become the man you want to be.

One positive is that you can use these painful experiences to learn from and make yourself a better man.

I recommend reading "The Road Less Travelled" by M. Scott Peck.


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## RobertPaulson (May 17, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Leave her be.
> Then get counselling to fix yourself before you date again.





Viseral said:


> Clearly, you have a lot of issues to sort through. Why don't you take a break from all relationships for a long while and work on yourself.





Hicks said:


> Please, think about this child and extract yourself from this unhealthy relationship while advising your girlfriend to protect her child by not living with men any more until the child is 18years old.





walkonmars said:


> It may be better for both of you to just separate - at least until her divorce is final.


So, the consensus seems to be that I should get out. That's going to be tough, I've already hurt her so much and she seems very invested in this R. Aren't there any dissenting opinions that think it's worth saving?


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## RobertPaulson (May 17, 2013)

warlock07 said:


> You are not fit for a long term commitment like marriage or even a relationship. You cheated on your XW, your gf, your friend and even his stbxw. Stop dragging people into your sh!t


Not to split hairs, but how do you figure I cheated on my xw, or my friends stbxw?  I said I was almost certain my xw cheated on me, and I cheated with my friends' stbxw. I guess it's a moot point, in for a penny in for a pound.


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## KimatraAKM (May 1, 2013)

RobertPaulson said:


> I’m considering asking her to try sleeping with someone else in order to both even the playing field and to get an opportunity to better understand the hurt I have caused. Not really sure how that conversation would play out.
> 
> So… advice? Comments? Scathing criticism is expected and accepted, but please try to temper it with something constructive. Thank you.


I know a guy like you. A man who makes excuses for stepping out and Fing other girls because his wife says no to him sometimes for sex. 

You want her to step out with another guy because then you wouldn't feel so guilty. That's not a fair thing to want to happen. You'd hold it over her as surely as she holds it over you... anyway. Constructive!

So my thought is that you need to get help for your sex addiction. All the things you listed out sound like you have a problem. I think you need to work on yourself to be worthy of her.. All that porn, "massage parlors" and ONS probably have your woman feeling very insecure and alone. If you love her and want her then you need to make her feel like she's better than all that porn and such you were into.

Work on you... if she's willing to wait for you to get better than sure, stay together... but she deserves better than who you are right now. Either be the person she deserves or let her go.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

What does your gf want?

Personally I don't think you are cut out for a relationship at the present time.

You are compelled to self destruct taking innocent people down with you.

The person I feel the sorriest for is the kid.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

When do you remember first using porn as a substitute for intimacy? Go as far back as you can.

When did it become something of an obsession?

Before you decide anything with your current GF, you need to get to the bottom of those questions.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

I know its hard and miserable OP, but I'm glad you are starting to face your massive issues.

You seduced a friend's wife? (it doesn't matter that you didn't take it all the way until she was living separately)

That is VERY low. You need to really figure out how and why you could do such a thing.

Until you do you should stay away from relationships altogether.

And certainly don't encourage your GF to go take actions that will just give her the same guilty feelings you now endure.

Oh, and come clean to your friend about how you screwed him over. Man to man, you owe him that.


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## dsGrazzl3D (Apr 22, 2013)

RobertPaulson said:


> I don’t really know what I hope to gain by posting here...
> **BUT**
> I suppose I would like to have some of that directed at my situation. I've never really been very good at introspection.
> 
> ...


Okay... let's start in order:
#1] You have major maturity and boundary issues... Could be many things as to the reason or cause of this being an issue for you.

#2] As others have said... Please think of this child before you do anything else. She could possibly be a step-child?!?! Then if you think of her as your own child... If she were in future to become yours... What would you want for her & for her childhood?

#3] Counseling should help you go into your past. Your past is your own history. Your past is the greatest way to predict what you will do in the future... Unless that is you can identify what is your past? Specifically, not just your past, but of whom are you? Your family history and your previous marriage will all be a contributing factor as to what you so far have allowed in your life. You can control how you define yourself, and thereby allow others to define of whom you are as a person.

#4] ADVICE... Yes I have more additional advice. Keep the following in mind.
MY OWN FAVORITE QUOTES;

1- Actions speaks louder than words
*2- If you can NOT learn from history, then you are DOOMED to repeat it*
3- Yesterday is history, Tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift, which is why we call it PRESENT (corny line from Kung-Fu Panada yes I know, but still)
4- DAD! Albert Einstein was really really REALLY smart... Oh yeah!! Well, if he is SO smart then how come he's dead!?!? (Yes I love Homer Simpson)
5- IF in doubt about love look up in the bible
"1 Corinthians 13:1-13" 

Thnx for your service & Good Luck in finding your path! If we can help please ask!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

RobertPaulson said:


> So, the consensus seems to be that I should get out. That's going to be tough, I've already hurt her so much and she seems very invested in this R. Aren't there any dissenting opinions that think it's worth saving?


After you sort yourself out, perhaps.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You appear to want the R to work. Why? Is it because you don't want to hurt her anymore? Or because you think you love her? Or both?

You sound like you could be a serial cheater. The bit with the stbxw of a friend is a signature. It could also be, though, that you are just flailing at this point in your life & you could eventually man up when it comes to staying committed.

I wouldn't really trust your feelings of love given your behavior, but even so, it's noticeable that you don't really talk about that regarding your gf.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

With all due respect, there are plenty of people in this world that go through absolutely horrific things in their lives but still manage to hold it together enough to not cheat.

I just hate reading stories of infidelity where the persons blames their bad behaviour on a psychological condition. You weren't compelled to cheat. You chose to.

Now that's out of the way, you should really consider ending the relationship for this womans benefit. You're clearly not ready.


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