# What does happily married feel like?



## Kermitty

For those who feel they are happily married, how would you describe the love you feel for your spouse? Is it something that overwhelms you at times or is it more like something that you know is there but don't actively feel? Are you physically attracted to your spouse to the point that you get turned on by something they do or say or is sexual attraction not a factor? 

I admittedly have a wonderful husband who does anything I ask, who desires me, who is a very good father but I can't seem to feel more for him than what I feel for my brother. Am I hoping for something that doesn't exist? Should I just be happy with what I have and stop thinking there should be more to it? 

I'm sure ill receive some harsh responses but I'm willing to listen to all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Mavash.

Kermitty said:


> For those who feel they are happily married, how would you describe the love you feel for your spouse? Is it something that overwhelms you at times or is it more like something that you know is there but don't actively feel? Are you physically attracted to your spouse to the point that you get turned on by something they do or say or is sexual attraction not a factor?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have a marriage that great love stories are written about. The love I feel for him is intense and yes overwhelming at times. We've been together for 23 years and it just gets stronger. The sexual chemistry is the glue that has kept is together. Without it I don't think we'd have what we have. For me its a must.


----------



## Kermitty

Mavash. said:


> I have a marriage that great love stories are written about. The love I feel for him is intense and yes overwhelming at times. We've been together for 23 years and it just gets stronger. The sexual chemistry is the glue that has kept is together. Without it I don't think we'd have what we have. For me its a must.


Do you think your marriage is typical of a happy marriage or are you just really lucky?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Mavash.

Kermitty said:


> Do you think your marriage is typical of a happy marriage or are you just really lucky?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's not typical but I picked him with a laser like focus and I work hard to bring my A game. 

I know how to get what I want.

I've studied and learned.


----------



## Kermitty

Well I suppose if I knew what I want was realistic, I could go after it. I'm just not sure how to figure out that primary question.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Caribbean Man

We are happily married because we are both happy in our ,marriage.
Been married for a long time.

But the question you've asked, I have asked myself that numerous times when I see so many other ,unhappy couples...

Were we just lucky?
How come?

I don't think that we've worked harder than other people or had less trials. So I often wonder what does it take for two people to be happy together in a marriage. Of course, it would vary from couple to couple, but are there solid , unchangeable fundamental principles that can be applied to all couples?
And if that answer is really yes, then why aren't people applying them to their marriages in order to save it?

I just , honestly wonder about these things.

The fact that we both feel happy means that we're happy. Yes we do have all the rush sometimes and so on. But when the rush is gone, we're still very happy with each other.


----------



## dsGrazzl3D

For those who feel they are happily married, how would you describe the love you feel for your spouse?
-*Love fluctuates much as water in a stream (IMHO)*, but you must struggle daily to make sure that the love never dies. You can NOT contaminate the waters with lies and still expect life to be the same in those waters!?!? Sorry for the analogy, but it's how I process things best.



Kermitty said:


> I can't seem to feel more for him than what I feel for my brother.


Sorry to hear that, but have you told him this? Have you stayed open, honest, and CLEARLY COMMUNICATED your thoughts and feelings? 
Have you always felt this way towards the man you made a commitment to love?


Am I hoping for something that doesn't exist? Should I just be happy with what I have and stop thinking there should be more to it? 
If you want the marriage to be another dried up lonely creek-bed that once supported life...


----------



## unbelievable

For me, it's realizing that whether I am thrilled, sad, or terrified, the first person I would want to share it with is my wife. It's knowing that if I knew I had only 1 hour left on this earth, my first thought would be to find her. I don't necessarily zip around 24/7 in heat but I couldn't feel as complete without her. It's like digging weeds in the garden with her beats anything I could be doing alone or with someone else. I think I'd miss her the way I'd miss my right arm. I could function and I could learn to be happy but it wouldn't be the same.


----------



## 2ntnuf

Can I call myself "happily married" if I am working on my marriage alone? I am not married, but every time I see a question like this I wonder.

Although we each must have our own lives and we need to work on ourselves, what does it mean when one person in the relationship is actively working on the marriage and the other is not?

I would think it is most healthy for me to work on myself, her to work on herself, and then come together and talk and share and learn. Maybe I'm mistaken?


----------



## I got this

Kermitty said:


> For those who feel they are happily married, how would you describe the love you feel for your spouse?
> 
> *I admire my wife for her sunny personality, kindness, strength, values and consistency being a solid fully invested force for good and she blows my hair back sexually. She is the most total package and she is the one for me without a shred of doubt. She is a great friend and mom. She shes thru and calls BS when she sees it without fear. In a word, she is awesome.
> *
> 
> Is it something that overwhelms you at times or is it more like something that you know is there but don't actively feel?
> 
> *I feel love for her in a very active way. It is not overwhelming because that would be unpleasant. It's not something that creates foolishness. Rather its like a warm blanket you can always count on. She has told me several times her heart was so full of love. Those are some of the most awesome moments.
> *
> 
> Are you physically attracted to your spouse to the point that you get turned on by something they do or say or is sexual attraction not a factor?
> 
> *I am very attracted to my wife physically but also emotionally. Just watching her engage and pursue her ideals is a privilege to be around. I look forward to watching her be herself and how others react. She lights up a room and is larger than life. People know she is special drawing them in like a magnet. She sparkles.
> *
> 
> I admittedly have a wonderful husband who does anything I ask, who desires me, who is a very good father but I can't seem to feel more for him than what I feel for my brother. Am I hoping for something that doesn't exist?
> 
> *I dont think so
> *
> 
> Should I just be happy with what I have and stop thinking there should be more to it?
> 
> *No build what you want out of what you have which is a great base to build on
> *
> 
> I'm sure ill receive some harsh responses but I'm willing to listen to all.


----------



## Kermitty

dsGrazzl3D said:


> Sorry to hear that, but have you told him this? Have you stayed open, honest, and CLEARLY COMMUNICATED your thoughts and feelings?


Yes, I've communicated my unhappiness to him. Our therapist told us it would take time for my feelings to come back. So he has been patient. Obviously he can not wait forever. 

I do love him in a sense. I enjoy doing things for him and spending time with him and our son as a family. I had no problems taking care of him after his nose surgery. It's not that I don't like him. 

I would like to describe my marriage as most of you have. It seems that unhappiness in marriage is more the norm than not so maybe setting such high goals for oneself will lead to disappointment.


----------



## I got this

Kermitty said:


> Yes, I've communicated my unhappiness to him.
> 
> *This is excellent. What did he do about it?
> *
> 
> I do love him in a sense. I enjoy doing things for him and spending time with him and our son as a family. I had no problems taking care of him after his nose surgery. It's not that I don't like him.
> 
> *What are you doing to make it "HOT" again?
> *
> 
> I would like to describe my marriage as most of you have. It seems that unhappiness in marriage is more the norm than not
> 
> *So? Awesome marriages are out there. Build one. It's doable
> *
> 
> so maybe setting such high goals for oneself will lead to disappointment.


Settling sure will. Challenge yourself to strive for a better one. You can rest when your dead.


----------



## Kermitty

I got this said:


> Settling sure will. Challenge yourself to strive for a better one. You can rest when your dead.


Do you think your wife would describe your marriage and love for you the same way? I mean in regards to your first post...


----------



## Kermitty

There is nothing he can do about my feelings toward him. He has changed and grown enormously in the last couple of months. I can't ask any more of him. 
We are trying to spice things up in the bedroom. Trying lots of kinky things. He is being very open minded considering it is all new to him. 
Awesome marriages are out there. Maybe mine is already and I just need someone to show me that it is. It seems so many men on this site have wives who don't desire them...maybe that is the norm for a reason.


----------



## I got this

Kermitty said:


> Do you think your wife would describe your marriage and love for you the same way? I mean in regards to your first post...


At the risk of sounding like a deluded idiot yes from the feedback and reality as I see it. I believe my wife would say she admires my very strong principles, determination, commitment to her, gentle loving side, active funny bone, courage and we have an abundance of physical, emotional and social attraction.

However, I was effing it at one time as a workoholic and incompetent husband. I did not know what her needs were or how to meet them. I fixed it by reading and applying. It was very straight forward for us.


----------



## I got this

Kermitty said:


> There is nothing he can do about my feelings toward him.
> 
> *Disagree
> *
> 
> He has changed and grown enormously in the last couple of months. I can't ask any more of him.
> 
> *I did as well and it was from my wife letting me know what she wasn't happy about my working so much and not romancing her like I used to. Men are problem solvers. I solved it with reading and applying what I learned while remaining authentic. He can and hopefully wants to as well.
> *
> 
> We are trying to spice things up in the bedroom. Trying lots of kinky things. He is being very open minded considering it is all new to him.
> 
> *It seems to me what happens outside the bedroom is most important. My mother came to me at one point and she needed something simple to get through a rough patch. I told her attention, affection and appreciation.
> *
> 
> Awesome marriages are out there. Maybe mine is already
> 
> *No but it has a good basis. Dont believe it can't be what you want it to be but dont throw away the good parts either. Build it
> *
> 
> and I just need someone to show me that it is.
> 
> *Members of TAM will try their best. That is for sure.
> *
> 
> It seems so many men on this site have wives who don't desire them...maybe that is the norm for a reason.


They need to work on being attractive and understanding what they wives need. It isn't always in the cards but I believe in exhausting all possibilities before throwing in the towel. Barring infidelity, mental illness, substance abuse, physical abusee, criminal behavior, keep at it.


----------



## Kermitty

I got this said:


> At the risk of sounding like a deluded idiot yes from the feedback and reality as I see it. I believe my wife would say she admires my very strong principles, determination, commitment to her, gentle loving side, active funny bone, courage and we have an abundance of physical, emotional and social attraction.
> 
> However, I was effing it at one time as a workoholic and incompetent husband. I did not know what her needs were or how to meet them. I fixed it by reading and applying. It was very straight forward for us.


Thank you for sharing that. We have both effed it up and though we have gone through the steps to fix it, the physical and emotional attraction is still lacking on my part. I keep trying to solve this like it has a definite answer.


----------



## Laila8

Maybe your husband suffers from "too nice" guy syndrome, and thus that is affecting your ability to be attracted to him sexually. Is he overly beta?


----------



## I got this

Laila619 said:


> Maybe your husband suffers from "too nice" guy syndrome, and thus that is affecting your ability to be attracted to him sexually. Is he overly beta?


There are some that get very feisty and dismissive at alpha/beta discussion. I am not one of them and think the theory has merit. To OP if you list what you do and don't like it would be easier to offer some feedback.


----------



## Kermitty

Well hubby does have some submissive tendencies that do not turn me on. I tend to be feisty in a playful way and he enjoys when I take control as opposed to playfully putting me in my place. 
He's overly diplomatic. He rarely has an opinion and will change his opinion depending on the tone of the conversation. Except when it comes to politics which I don't even try to talk about. 
He is uncomfortable talking to me and will get nervous because he doesn't like the way I react to things. I'm open to changing my reaction but if he is changing his approach, he isn't giving me the chance to change. It's like he is afraid of upsetting me and that can be an admirable quality at times but not in this case.


----------



## Wiserforit

We both have a lot of gratitude.


----------



## eyuop

I'm sensing the beta thing, too.

What do you long for in a man? In other words, what kind of man would turn you on/be attractive to you? I'm only asking this to get some indication of maybe why you aren't as into your husband as you could be. I'm not saying he can simply become the kind of man you want. But if you can understand what you are feeling and why, it might help you to understand your relationship better. It is like when a pregnant women craves mushrooms only to find out what she was really craving was the trace minerals in the dirt clinging to the mushrooms. It is good to know what you are craving and why.


----------



## Faithful Wife

"For those who feel they are happily married, how would you describe the love you feel for your spouse?"

Our love feels like a romantic movie fairy tale.

There are ways to achieve this and make it last.

We had the strong buzz from the very beginning though...I'm not sure you can create that if it wasn't there?


----------



## I got this

Kermitty said:


> Well hubby does have some submissive tendencies that do not turn me on. I tend to be feisty in a playful way and he enjoys when I take control as opposed to playfully putting me in my place.
> He's overly diplomatic. He rarely has an opinion and will change his opinion depending on the tone of the conversation. Except when it comes to politics which I don't even try to talk about.
> He is uncomfortable talking to me and will get nervous because he doesn't like the way I react to things. I'm open to changing my reaction but if he is changing his approach, he isn't giving me the chance to change. It's like he is afraid of upsetting me and that can be an admirable quality at times but not in this case.


You have just articulated the problem succinctly in man speak. Men want to know the problem because they are problem solvers. Let's call it step one.

Step three. Print out the quoted post and give it to him. It will sting but it's worth it and he will be pleased to know what the problem is.

Step two. Please change one thing before you give it to him. Change "do not turn me on" to "turns me off"

Step four. Then let him get at it. He currently thinks he is doing what is right yielding and being polite. You want opinions. It's more honest and assertive. He has them. Now he needs different priorities switching diplomacy for honesty and assertiveness that you like better.


----------



## somethingelse

2ntnuf said:


> Can I call myself "happily married" if I am working on my marriage alone? I am not married, but every time I see a question like this I wonder.
> 
> Although we each must have our own lives and we need to work on ourselves, what does it mean when one person in the relationship is actively working on the marriage and the other is not?
> 
> I would think it is most healthy for me to work on myself, her to work on herself, and then come together and talk and share and learn. Maybe I'm mistaken?


I agree with this.


----------



## I got this

2ntnuf said:


> Can I call myself "happily married" if I am working on my marriage alone? I am not married, but every time I see a question like this I wonder.
> 
> Although we each must have our own lives and we need to work on ourselves, what does it mean when one person in the relationship is actively working on the marriage and the other is not?
> 
> I would think it is most healthy for me to work on myself, her to work on herself, and then come together and talk and share and learn. Maybe I'm mistaken?


Some of the reading I did suggests you can improve the marriage by yourself because when one side causes positive changes the other. That's the perspective I took when I saved my marriage because it was the only one I could control.

I get bashed for it consistently by the overgrown child, whine azz, "its not fair" crowd that still has a zhitty marriage but it doesn't phase me especially in light of their focus on what is fair rather than what works. 

I cant take them seriously since they haven't achieved the results they want while complaining about the lack of effort their spouse has made. 

They can't get passed the unfairness concept. I made it work by fixing myself without keeping score but calling BS doesn't work so I let it be.

Im into results. I don't care how they are achieved or how much I have to do. Waiting for fairness hasn't got me anywhere in my life. Controlling what I can and letting the rest be what it is has paid handsomely in the inner peace and marital bliss department. 

My wife is into me again and I did it alone. She reacted to what I did. My perspective gets bashed here because personal responsibility is unpopular. Blaming others is easier and absolves responsibility. It's called a victim mentality. It's a trick people play on themselves that achieves nothing.

Here it will get bashed again because victims defend their thumb sucking and blanket til death.


----------



## somethingelse

I got this said:


> Some of the reading I did suggests you can improve the marriage by yourself because when one side causes positive changes the other. That's the perspective I took when I saved my marriage because it was the only one I could control.
> 
> I get bashed for it consistently by the overgrown child, whine azz, "its not fair" crowd that still has a zhitty marriage but it doesn't phase me especially in light of their focus on what is fair rather than what works.
> 
> I cant take them seriously since they haven't achieved the results they want while complaining about the lack of effort their spouse has made.
> 
> They can't get passed the unfairness concept. I made it work by fixing myself without keeping score but calling BS doesn't work so I let it be.
> 
> Im into results. I don't care how they are achieved or how much I have to do. Waiting for fairness hasn't got me anywhere in my life. Controlling what I can and letting the rest be what it is has paid handsomely in the inner peace and marital bliss department.
> 
> My wife is into me again and I did it alone. She reacted to what I did. My perspective gets bashed here because personal responsibility is unpopular. Blaming others is easier and absolves responsibility. It's called a victim mentality. It's a trick people play on themselves that achieves nothing.
> 
> Here it will get bashed again because victims defend their thumb sucking and blanket til death.


I used to think this way and do it this way. But then I finally accepted that I have a serial cheater for a husband. That changed my perspective.

Not bashing..just saying.


----------



## desertdog

Mavash. said:


> I have a marriage that great love stories are written about. The love I feel for him is intense and yes overwhelming at times. We've been together for 23 years and it just gets stronger. The sexual chemistry is the glue that has kept is together. Without it I don't think we'd have what we have. For me its a must.


I want that so gosh darn bad. 

At one point my spouse and I had that chemistry and the "glue" (in the first 6 months of our relationship). Losing weight did nothing, gaining weight did nothing. Changing a lot of myself did nothing. It's just gone. Completely gone. I'm so jealous of those who feel chemistry.


----------



## Kermitty

I got this said:


> You have just articulated the problem succinctly in man speak. Men want to know the problem because they are problem solvers. Let's call it step one.
> 
> Step three. Print out the quoted post and give it to him. It will sting but it's worth it and he will be pleased to know what the problem is.
> 
> Step two. Please change one thing before you give it to him. Change "do not turn me on" to "turns me off"
> 
> Step four. Then let him get at it. He currently thinks he is doing what is right yielding and being polite. You want opinions. It's more honest and assertive. He has them. Now he needs different priorities switching diplomacy for honesty and assertiveness that you like better.


sorry, but i kind of laughed that your steps were out of order. That being said, I really do appreciate your help. I really am looking at anything and everything i can do to fix this. 
I have communicated how his "diplomacy" and lack of opinion has affected me. I don't know that I communicated it effectively but so far he has only defended how he thinks it is not a bad quality. He believes because he is a non linear thinker and I am the opposite, that it creates a communication gap. Perhaps in time he will see how a more assertive dominant stance works better with me.


----------



## Kermitty

eyuop said:


> I'm sensing the beta thing, too.
> 
> What do you long for in a man? In other words, what kind of man would turn you on/be attractive to you? I'm only asking this to get some indication of maybe why you aren't as into your husband as you could be. I'm not saying he can simply become the kind of man you want. But if you can understand what you are feeling and why, it might help you to understand your relationship better. It is like when a pregnant women craves mushrooms only to find out what she was really craving was the trace minerals in the dirt clinging to the mushrooms. It is good to know what you are craving and why.


I suppose it is hard to articulate because it is based on feelings. I'm sure most of my issues have to do with this mental block that i have from all the hurt that has been experienced. I like confidence which is often mistaken with ****yness. I like being the one to follow. Lately I feel like I am the one leading. I'll have to think some more on how to verbalize what I'm missing...


----------



## Kermitty

It's especially frustrating because now is the time we could be really exploring the sexual side of our relationship. I am definitely at my sexual peak and I want to enjoy it with him.


----------



## Kermitty

JustPuzzled said:


> To the original question: Being happily married means that you can deal with life from a secure place. It's about knowing that someone has your back. It's about knowing that you have someone to share your wins, and to be there for you when things aren't going so well.
> .


I guess there is a part of me that feels I have to always be the stronger one. If anything isn't going right, I would talk him down from completely stressing out and feeling like its the end of the world. It keeps me from looking to him for support. This is something he is working on so I'm hopeful my feelings will change.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## I got this

Kermitty said:


> I guess there is a part of me that feels I have to always be the stronger one. If anything isn't going right, I would talk him down from completely stressing out and feeling like its the end of the world. It keeps me from looking to him for support. This is something he is working on so I'm hopeful my feelings will change.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Print this out too and give it to him. This is the stuff that he needs to understand so he can fix it.

Tell him to stop with the beta diplomacy thing and be assertive. 

MY wife verbatim said to me it would be nice if you would just grab and kiss me and pull my hair a little once in a while. She is a school teacher and I am hot for teacher. I've always been alpha but even still she was asking for even more hotness on occasion


----------



## Kermitty

I got this said:


> Print this out too and give it to him. This is the stuff that he needs to understand so he can fix it.
> 
> Tell him to stop with the beta diplomacy thing and be assertive.
> 
> MY wife verbatim said to me it would be nice if you would just grab and kiss me and pull my hair a little once in a while. She is a school teacher and I am hot for teacher. I've always been alpha but even still she was asking for even more hotness on occasion


At this point I'm scared to bring up anything that he perceives as criticizing him. Yes, I need to reiterate how his beta actions make me feel but I have to do it in a way that doesn't set him up to be immediately be defensive and feel like I'm trying to change him. It would work better if I do it right after he displays the action I'm referring to. 
He just seems so insecure now, I feel like I have to watch how I say anything so I don't make the situation worse. I guess at some point I have to accept he is who he is to an extent, no?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SimplyAmorous

Kermitty said:


> For those who feel they are happily married, *how would you describe the love you feel for your spouse? Is it something that overwhelms you at times *or is it more like something that you know is there but don't actively feel?


 I have a DEEP DEEP well of emotions in regards to my husband.....so many beautiful memories to look back upon....I've never had a greater friend walk beside me...near every "







"- he was there - holding my hand....he's been my greatest fan, Encourager...Our wedding day one of THE happiest of our lives  (outside of the births of our children)...couldn't ask for a more loving /giving Father either....

He has picked me up when I was feeling down, has this amazing ability to get me to laugh at myself in some of my more "unruly" moments...... he's made every sunrise brighter ....and our tougher times bearable (never because of anything HE has done- just external circumstances).... I have asked many times...where would I be had I not met this man. 



> Are you physically attracted to your spouse to the point that *you get turned on by something they do or say* or is sexual attraction not a factor?


 I've always looked upon Physical attraction as a bonding agent in many ways... but still we need so much more...it's not so much what he says or does....I'd describe it more about our *"interaction" with each other*...there is a *chemistry* that draws us, we Love our time together, stingy with it even.... he always brings a  to my face - gets me laughing with his dry (sometimes toilet) humor....he is very touchy feely whenever I am near...this feeds something in me...puts me on "high". 

I stir him up & get a RISE out of my laid back man.... we're getting older now, the looks will fade, those lines on our faces getting clearer..... but somehow I have this ability to see him "forever young"- that gorgeous young man wearing that white tux looking up into his eyes slow dancing to "Loving you Forever" at our Reception. 



> but I can't seem to feel more for him than what I feel for my brother. Am I hoping for something that doesn't exist? Should I just be happy with what I have and stop thinking there should be more to it?


I assume it was NOT always this way? What brought you together in dating, what did you share- that led to wanting to make it "forever"? Did you marry too quick...Experts say the Romantic Dopamine rush can last up to 20 months...it is after this time period, you come back down to earth....reality sinks in...do you still love your time together... feel this is "the one" you can't live without? 



Kermitty said:


> Yes, I've communicated my unhappiness to him. Our therapist told us it would take time for my feelings to come back. So he has been patient. Obviously he can not wait forever.
> 
> I do love him in a sense. I enjoy doing things for him and spending time with him and our son as a family. I had no problems taking care of him after his nose surgery. It's not that I don't like him.
> 
> I would like to describe my marriage as most of you have. It seems that unhappiness in marriage is more the norm than not so maybe setting such high goals for oneself will lead to disappointment.


Can I ask you this... Entertain this thought for a moment....IF you found out your husband was having a secret affair with another woman.... what would your reaction be ..what level of Jealousy do you think would RISE within you??

What you describe sounds like good buddies / "ROOMMATES" / he's there for you/ you are there for him... but devoid of the Passion... that you see others have ...and you want this...You desperately want to FEEL this, have it wash over you...

How do you feel when you hear a *love song* come on the radio...lets' say Your Love song while dating...everyone has one...right !? Does this usher you back to that time.. with warm feelings....stirring your emotions towards him or sadden you - thinking to yourself...." this doesn't fit us...it's gone".... 



Kermitty said:


> There is nothing he can do about my feelings toward him. He has changed and grown enormously in the last couple of months. I can't ask any more of him.
> *We are trying to spice things up in the bedroom. *Trying lots of kinky things. He is being very open minded considering it is all new to him.
> 
> Awesome marriages are out there. Maybe mine is already and I just need someone to show me that it is. It seems so many men on this site have wives who don't desire them...maybe that is the norm for a reason.


My husband felt at one time, I didn't desire him, but it was more that I was TOO into our kids... sometimes Mom's get a little carried away, he didn't express how he was feeling so it was LOST to me... It is good you and he can communicate openly...

That he is TRYING, making strides.. you are doing more KINKY... Have you bought some books, have you looked into your libido styles - to help understand one another? I could offer some tests here if you want? 



Kermitty said:


> We have both effed it up and though we have gone through the steps to fix it,* the physical and emotional attraction is still lacking on my part.* I keep trying to solve this like it has a definite answer.


 Has his physical appearance changed since you married - why the sexual attraction has fallen by the wayside..tumbling the emotional along with it.... or has he NOT given enough Emotionally -fulfilling your core emotional needs/ love languages ...and this has tumbled the physical for you as well ? Any resentment building? 



Kermitty said:


> *Well hubby does have some submissive tendencies that do not turn me on. I tend to be feisty in a playful way and he enjoys when I take control as opposed to playfully putting me in my place.*


 My husband is like this... did a thread on this once...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/11217-want-hear-men-who-prefer-dominant-women-bed.html




> He's overly diplomatic. He rarely has an opinion and will change his opinion depending on the tone of the conversation. Except when it comes to politics which I don't even try to talk about.
> *He is uncomfortable talking to me and will get nervous because he doesn't like the way I react to things*. I'm open to changing my reaction but if he is changing his approach, he isn't giving me the chance to change. It's like he is afraid of upsetting me and that can be an admirable quality at times but not in this case.


Ok, this speaks A LOT...your husband clearly has a PASSIVE temperament, he does not like conflict or confrontation... again, my husband is similar ... No man wants to walk around on egg shells either... if he finds every other word he says is going to throw his wife into a tizzy, he is going to keep his mouth shut... better to be able to allow him to speak... honestly, ANYTHING...and have us receive it - weight it, talk about it ..but never to put him down for feeling it, or shun, guilt trip him, try to change him, or God forbid... hold it against him in later arguments, etc. This destroys that openness you would like to see from him, his sharing his opinions with you. 



I got this said:


> Step four. Then let him get at it. He currently thinks he is doing what is right yielding and being polite. You want opinions. It's more honest and assertive. He has them. Now he needs different priorities switching diplomacy for honesty and assertiveness that you like better.


 



Kermitty said:


> I have communicated how his "diplomacy" and lack of opinion has affected me. I don't know that I communicated it effectively but so far he has only defended how he thinks it is not a bad quality. He believes because he is a non linear thinker and I am the opposite, that it creates a communication gap. Perhaps in time he will see how a more assertive dominant stance works better with me.


 So if you ask his opinion outright...what he doesn't give it TO YOU, but tries to run & hide, change the subject...explain?

This is how it is with MY husband... which works WELL for us... If I ask him anything...he will give it to me straight, he knows if he downplays something to spare me, I will be pi$$ed off, I don't like that, I want the RAW honest truth, whether I want to hear it or not... where I failed in the past was ... getting too busy with the kids and wasn't asking his opinions...If I don't ASK - he may not come forth being all assertive & sharing.. but he has never minded my DIGGING... THANK GOD! He loves the attention I give him...and I love the honesty he gives in return...he has seen this is to his benefit.. 

Have the 2 of you ever did any temperaments tests...this would explain so much ....helping you understand HIM..and his understanding you..... we all have natural strength's & weaknesses, being aware of what they are and specifically what to work on- can do wonders... tests here >> 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ments-our-spouses-better-understand-them.html



Kermitty said:


> It's especially frustrating because now is the time we could be really exploring the sexual side of our relationship. *I am definitely at my sexual peak and I want to enjoy it with him*.


This is the sole reason I landed on TAM... I was at my sexual peak / mid life dished me up some intense wantings there --I took him for a ride... it was alot of FUN...though I did want him to be more dominate in Bed... I studied so many things upon coming here to understand him better...ME, why I was feeling this way...read about hormones, temperaments, I learned just how darn compatible we REALLY were in comparison to reading how some other men ARE...knowing that would be worse for me personally. I was under the impression you were younger, in your 20's or something!?



Kermitty said:


> I guess there is a part of me that feels I have to always be the stronger one. If anything isn't going right, I would talk him down from completely stressing out and feeling like its the end of the world. It keeps me from looking to him for support. This is something he is working on so I'm hopeful my feelings will change.


 Hmmmm ...so he has shown himself getting more Stressed out in a crisis over you , his wife...generally women are more emotional , we need our men to lean on....... yeah..this is a difficult one... with a man, they are supposed to be those Pillars of Strength / reliability, our Protectors, this is at the core of being *a MAN*... we look up to this, admire it in our tougher times....


----------



## SimplyAmorous

Kermitty said:


> At this point I'm scared to bring up anything that he perceives as *criticizing him*. Yes, I need to reiterate how his beta actions make me feel but I have to do it in a way that doesn't set him up to be immediately be defensive and feel like I'm trying to change him. It would work better if I do it right after he displays the action I'm referring to.
> 
> *He just seems so insecure now*, I feel like I have to watch how I say anything so I don't make the situation worse. I guess at some point I have to accept he is who he is to an extent, no?


 Sometimes it is in HOW we say things to others also...that immediately puts them on the defensive.....or could be a mixed of a little of this and his being OVERLY sensitive.

It's very important when dealing with delicate issues .... to assure your partner the Good & wonderful things you appreciate about him...build him up a little... before going into these areas that need some tweaking...and in doing this, always ask what he would LIKE to see from your end as well....

So it doesn't come off as it's all just about *changing HIM*....(as this may be how he feels = isolated defensiveness)..... but a working together /team effort...

What about his past... as far as his insecurities...has he had many HURTS / broken relationships ? 

Without a willingness to hear each other out ....really listen & take ownership of our own hand in how our relationship has deteriorated...you are both at a stand still....so how important this is ! 

This is a good article explaining how one achieves this sort of honest communication before each other....
Communication - PLANTING THE SEED OF INTERDEPENDENCE


----------



## Kermitty

SimplyAmorous said:


> I have a DEEP DEEP well of emotions in regards to my husband.....so many beautiful memories to look back upon....I've never had a greater friend walk beside me...near every "
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> "- he was there - holding my hand....he's been my greatest fan, Encourager...Our wedding day one of THE happiest of our lives  (outside of the births of our children)...couldn't ask for a more loving /giving Father either....
> 
> He has picked me up when I was feeling down, has this amazing ability to get me to laugh at myself in some of my more "unruly" moments...... he's made every sunrise brighter ....and our tougher times bearable (never because of anything HE has done- just external circumstances).... I have asked many times...where would I be had I not met this man.
> 
> 
> I've always looked upon Physical attraction as a bonding agent in many ways... but still we need so much more...it's not so much what he says or does....I'd describe it more about our *"interaction" with each other*...there is a *chemistry* that draws us, we Love our time together, stingy with it even.... he always brings a  to my face - gets me laughing with his dry (sometimes toilet) humor....he is very touchy feely whenever I am near...this feeds something in me...puts me on "high".
> 
> I stir him up & get a RISE out of my laid back man.... we're getting older now, the looks will fade, those lines on our faces getting clearer..... but somehow I have this ability to see him "forever young"- that gorgeous young man wearing that white tux looking up into his eyes slow dancing to "Loving you Forever" at our Reception.
> 
> 
> 
> I assume it was NOT always this way? What brought you together in dating, what did you share- that led to wanting to make it "forever"? Did you marry too quick...Experts say the Romantic Dopamine rush can last up to 20 months...it is after this time period, you come back down to earth....reality sinks in...do you still love your time together... feel this is "the one" you can't live without?
> 
> * We were engaged after 2.5 years and married 6 months later. Although I saw things about him that I didn't like, I didn't think they were things we couldn't work on. No body is perfect, right? I saw myself walking down the aisle with him and having a family with him which I cant say I was able to do with anyone else I dated. *
> 
> Can I ask you this... Entertain this thought for a moment....IF you found out your husband was having a secret affair with another woman.... what would your reaction be ..what level of Jealousy do you think would RISE within you??
> 
> *Honestly my reaction would be can I meet her and have a threesome. I don't expect I would be jealous at all except jealous of the pleasure she was getting that I was missing out on. I would be mad that he was lying to me though as no body likes to be lied to. I'm sure I will get reamed for this but I have actually proposed his being with another woman to light some sort of fire in me for him. He was against it.*
> 
> What you describe sounds like good buddies / "ROOMMATES" / he's there for you/ you are there for him... but devoid of the Passion... that you see others have ...and you want this...You desperately want to FEEL this, have it wash over you...
> 
> How do you feel when you hear a *love song* come on the radio...lets' say Your Love song while dating...everyone has one...right !? Does this usher you back to that time.. with warm feelings....stirring your emotions towards him or sadden you - thinking to yourself...." this doesn't fit us...it's gone"....
> 
> *when i hear the song we danced to on our wedding it reminds me of the day and all the joy that it brought. I remember certain aspects like not feeling like he was entirely there. I did feel I loved him then,*
> 
> My husband felt at one time, I didn't desire him, but it was more that I was TOO into our kids... sometimes Mom's get a little carried away, he didn't express how he was feeling so it was LOST to me... It is good you and he can communicate openly...
> 
> That he is TRYING, making strides.. you are doing more KINKY... Have you bought some books, have you looked into your libido styles - to help understand one another? I could offer some tests here if you want?
> 
> * we have read books, watched porn, just went to a class even. His libido isn't an issue as far as i'm aware*
> 
> Has his physical appearance changed since you married - why the sexual attraction has fallen by the wayside..tumbling the emotional along with it.... or has he NOT given enough Emotionally -fulfilling your core emotional needs/ love languages ...and this has tumbled the physical for you as well ? Any resentment building?
> 
> * We have been through a lot since our son was born four years ago. We have been through therapy to overcome most of our issues. We are certainly doing better now and understand each others core emotional and love languages. It's really only been six months or so since we had this breakthrough so part of my issue is just needing time to heal the wounds of the past.*
> 
> My husband is like this... did a thread on this once...
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/11217-want-hear-men-who-prefer-dominant-women-bed.html
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Ok, this speaks A LOT...your husband clearly has a PASSIVE temperament, he does not like conflict or confrontation... again, my husband is similar ... No man wants to walk around on egg shells either... if he finds every other word he says is going to throw his wife into a tizzy, he is going to keep his mouth shut... better to be able to allow him to speak... honestly, ANYTHING...and have us receive it - weight it, talk about it ..but never to put him down for feeling it, or shun, guilt trip him, try to change him, or God forbid... hold it against him in later arguments, etc. This destroys that openness you would like to see from him, his sharing his opinions with you.
> 
> *Yes, I agree. I'm trying to be more aware of when I am giving off physical signs of my disagreement but it is hard to stop something that naturally occurs. When I'm frustrated with something he is saying or not saying, it is written on my face and I don't even know it, honestly. Ive told him to let me know when this happens so I can be aware but he just keeps talking through it while getting angry with me which causes a snowball effect. *
> 
> 
> 
> So if you ask his opinion outright...what he doesn't give it TO YOU, but tries to run & hide, change the subject...explain?
> 
> *Well he starts with saying how "most people" or he will start off saying one thing but then ends up saying something else and at the end i'm still asking him what his opinion is to which he says "I'm not sure". Then there is the what do you want to do eat/do convo where he says "I don't care" but when you say what you want, he says no and then you are going through a list of things until you get to what he wants. *
> 
> This is how it is with MY husband... which works WELL for us... If I ask him anything...he will give it to me straight, he knows if he downplays something to spare me, I will be pi$$ed off, I don't like that, I want the RAW honest truth, whether I want to hear it or not... where I failed in the past was ... getting too busy with the kids and wasn't asking his opinions...If I don't ASK - he may not come forth being all assertive & sharing.. but he has never minded my DIGGING... THANK GOD! He loves the attention I give him...and I love the honesty he gives in return...he has seen this is to his benefit..
> 
> Have the 2 of you ever did any temperaments tests...this would explain so much ....helping you understand HIM..and his understanding you..... we all have natural strength's & weaknesses, being aware of what they are and specifically what to work on- can do wonders... tests here >>
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ments-our-spouses-better-understand-them.html
> 
> *THanks, I'll check those out*
> 
> This is the sole reason I landed on TAM... I was at my sexual peak / mid life dished me up some intense wantings there --I took him for a ride... it was alot of FUN...though I did want him to be more dominate in Bed... I studied so many things upon coming here to understand him better...ME, why I was feeling this way...read about hormones, temperaments, I learned just how darn compatible we REALLY were in comparison to reading how some other men ARE...knowing that would be worse for me personally. I was under the impression you were younger, in your 20's or something!?
> 
> *I'm about to turn 36 actually*
> 
> Hmmmm ...so he has shown himself getting more Stressed out in a crisis over you , his wife...generally women are more emotional , we need our men to lean on....... yeah..this is a difficult one... with a man, they are supposed to be those Pillars of Strength / reliability, our Protectors, this is at the core of being *a MAN*... we look up to this, admire it in our tougher times....


*Yeah, I agree there. He has started to work on how he deals with stress so I'll have to see how it goes next time something comes up.*


*Thanks for the thorough reply!*


----------



## Kermitty

SimplyAmorous said:


> What about his past... as far as his insecurities...has he had many HURTS / broken relationships ?
> ]


I never knew how insecure he was or other issues he had until it all came out in therapy a few months ago. I did make his insecurities worse because I had an affair. I know I need to build him up again while still fixing our relationship. I'm trying to learn what is realistic for me to hope for and feel so I'm not pushing something that is unattainable. Now that he is completely focused on fixing us, as am I, I am learning how and what to do. At the same time I want our marriage to be the best it can be so I'm trying to figure out what "best" really means.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Parrot_head

Maybe look at my posting , It may answer some things..

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-term-success-marriage/60237-sad-see.html


----------



## Coffee Amore

*


Kermitty said:



For those who feel they are happily married, how would you describe the love you feel for your spouse? Is it something that overwhelms you at times or is it more like something that you know is there but don't actively feel?

Click to expand...

*The love is always there... deep feelings that exceed what I've felt for any other man I've known (not that I've known many, but I've dated since high school to my very early 20s when I met my husband). Sometimes the feelings go through a natural ebb and flow. That's normal in long term relationships, but I've never been not attracted to him or not loved him or not wanted to be separate from him. It's probably the best relationship in my life. It's where I feel the most like myself...free to be me, warts and all. It's very liberating to have someone you can share your deepest thoughts, fears, concerns with and know they get where you come from. With others (parents, good friends, immediate family), I feel I have my guard up and I'm not as open with them. 

When I look at him, he's the person I married when he was a young man. We have a long history together filled with all sorts of adventures in life. Some of those adventures are really tough things that would stress anyone (serious illnesses, surgeries, problems with the children). We've weathered them together as partners. He's not only my best friend, but of all the best friends I've had, the closest best friend. I don't think there's anyone else in the world who knows me as well as he does. I don't believe in soul mates or destiny, but he such a part of my life and me. I love being married to him. He's the one person, other than my children, who I can spend time with doing nothing and still have the best time. 



Kermitty said:


> *Are you physically attracted to your spouse to the point that you get turned on by something they do or say or is sexual attraction not a factor? *
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm absolutely attracted to him physically. He is about 10 pounds more than what he weighed in college. He works out regularly and he's one of those lucky people who has a good metabolism. I know I'm biased, but he is in better physical shape than 99% of them men in his office of the same age. Sexual attraction is a factor. Sometimes I see him in a public place or walking towards me and I smile to myself, thinking "yeah, he's all mine!" It's very easy for him to turn me on. He just has to smirk and take his shirt off. 

I probably gave people cavities with this post...


----------



## hambone

Kermitty said:


> For those who feel they are happily married, how would you describe the love you feel for your spouse? Is it something that overwhelms you at times or is it more like something that you know is there but don't actively feel? Are you physically attracted to your spouse to the point that you get turned on by something they do or say or is sexual attraction not a factor?
> 
> I admittedly have a wonderful husband who does anything I ask, who desires me, who is a very good father but I can't seem to feel more for him than what I feel for my brother. Am I hoping for something that doesn't exist? Should I just be happy with what I have and stop thinking there should be more to it?
> 
> I'm sure ill receive some harsh responses but I'm willing to listen to all.
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I've been happily married for 20+ years. 

What has carried us through is is our love of each other. It manifest itself through mutual respect. We just don't do things to irritate/humiliate/embarrass each other. Plus, we trust each other. 

We don't have any areas of major disagreement... Money, politics, religion, raising children... etc. 

When we do have a conflict, like whether or not to buy a particular new car, we sit tight and bat the pros and cons back and forth until we are in agreement. 

And finally, a great love life keeps us bonded.


----------



## Kermitty

Coffee Amore said:


> It's where I feel the most like myself...free to be me, warts and all. It's very liberating to have someone you can share your deepest thoughts, fears, concerns with and know they get where you come from. With others (parents, good friends, immediate family), I feel I have my guard up and I'm not as open with them.


This is what I would want for my marriage. I have that closeness with my family but not with my husband. I wonder if that will come in time or if it is not possible if I already have it with my family.


----------



## Kermitty

hambone said:


> And finally, a great love life keeps us bonded.


I think that is the key difference between being happily married to your spouse or just a really good friendship with your spouse. 
Not to say that if you are mutually happy not having sex it doesn't mean you are not happily married. Anything that makes you both mutually happy is certainly good for the marriage.


----------



## Kermitty

Parrot_head said:


> Maybe look at my posting , It may answer some things..
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-term-success-marriage/60237-sad-see.html


I hope your wife is still doing well. Your support and love for her is certainly inspiring.


----------



## hambone

Kermitty said:


> I think that is the key difference between being happily married to your spouse or just a really good friendship with your spouse.
> Not to say that if you are mutually happy not having sex it doesn't mean you are not happily married. Anything that makes you both mutually happy is certainly good for the marriage.


I agree. You can't base a marriage entirely on sex... at least not long term. 

However, sex is a key element of marriage. If a mutually satisfying love life is missing, you are just not going to feel the closeness and bonding that only making love can provide. 

Without sex... you're just room mates.


----------



## AniaR

It's difficult to know what's more important in a marriage. It's a bit of everything - good sex, friendship, partnership, compatibility, humour ...and a good deal of patience. Without them, things can go downhill pretty fast. 

We have a good marriage. A marriage that, aside the above, also flourished because we are both strong individuals not dependant on each other. I don't need to be with him financially or emotionally...and viceversa. 

I just love being with him and believe him when he says I'm still his best friend


----------



## Toshiba2020

Kermitty said:


> Well hubby does have some submissive tendencies that do not turn me on. I tend to be feisty in a playful way and he enjoys when I take control as opposed to playfully putting me in my place.
> He's overly diplomatic. He rarely has an opinion and will change his opinion depending on the tone of the conversation. Except when it comes to politics which I don't even try to talk about.
> He is uncomfortable talking to me and *will get nervous because he doesn't like the way I react to things*. I'm open to changing my reaction but if he is changing his approach, he isn't giving me the chance to change. It's like he is afraid of upsetting me and that can be an admirable quality at times but not in this case.


I live my life walking on egg shells in fear of what i did or didnt do that will set my wife off on a temper tantrum. There is no consistency to her madness and the only solution i have to avoid conflict is to avoid her all together. It a terrible feeling to live like that and even know it will certainly lead to divorce long term. 

If you want to have a conversation with your husband and not have him be so indecisive and submissive, dont punish him for his opinion or his actions.

Not all men are emotionally strong as they may seem. Countless men suffer in silence from emotional and verbal abuse, fearful of their wives and fearful of the ridicule they would receive from society.


----------



## hambone

AniaR said:


> It's difficult to know what's more important in a marriage. It's a bit of everything - good sex, friendship, partnership, compatibility, humour ...and a good deal of patience. Without them, things can go downhill pretty fast.
> 
> We have a good marriage. A marriage that, aside the above, also flourished because we are both strong individuals not dependant on each other. I don't need to be with him financially or emotionally...and viceversa.
> 
> I just love being with him and believe him when he says I'm still his best friend


That's a good list. The only thing I'd add is mutual respect.

I really like my wife. I enjoy her company.. just being with her. She is my best friend.


----------



## Kermitty

Toshiba2020 said:


> I live my life walking on egg shells in fear of what i did or didnt do that will set my wife off on a temper tantrum. There is no consistency to her madness and the only solution i have to avoid conflict is to avoid her all together. It a terrible feeling to live like that and even know it will certainly lead to divorce long term.
> 
> If you want to have a conversation with your husband and not have him be so indecisive and submissive, dont punish him for his opinion or his actions.
> 
> Not all men are emotionally strong as they may seem. Countless men suffer in silence from emotional and verbal abuse, fearful of their wives and fearful of the ridicule they would receive from society.


That sounds like an awful way to live. I hope you do divorce or fix the situation. Good luck to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Wiserforit

Toshiba2020 said:


> I live my life walking on egg shells in fear of what i did or didnt do that will set my wife off on a temper tantrum. There is no consistency to her madness and the only solution i have to avoid conflict is to avoid her all together. It a terrible feeling to live like that and even know it will certainly lead to divorce long term.


This is the hallmark of the abusive spouse. This strategy keeps you in a constant state of stress and weakens you so that you are easier to manipulate.

When their behavior is predictable, you can act accordingly. That stablility makes you strong. So the whole point of the instability is to keep you in a perpetual state of anxiety.


----------



## Faiora

I'm been with my SO for 12 years. We talk all the time about everything. We pose random questions to each other about hypothetical situations, or our habits when we're not together. We do a lot of things together, and we encourage each other to do things on our own and try new things and get better at things we're not great at. 

I think the main thing that absolutely must be in place for a relationship to be successful is respect. This means mutual respect; you have a real respect for who your partner is, the way they treat you and other people, and the way they live their life, and your partner has the same respect for you. 

The other thing - which comes along with respect - is communication. You need to talk about your boundaries, and figure out what's okay and not okay for both of you. You need to talk a LOT and you need to want to!

It takes a lifetime to learn all about yourself - never mind someone else.


----------



## Kermitty

Faiora said:


> It takes a lifetime to learn all about yourself - never mind someone else.


I suppose that is part of what complicates things. You learn things about yourself that you didn't realize before and vice versa and it makes the happily married more difficult to achieve.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Faiora

Kermitty said:


> I suppose that is part of what complicates things. You learn things about yourself that you didn't realize before and vice versa and it makes the happily married more difficult to achieve.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think you're right. I actually discovered something important about myself, years ago, that goes against my SO's values (I can go into detail if you think it'd be useful, but I'm on the fence about it at the moment). But we've been able to find ways to satisfy my needs without compromising his values, and it hasn't caused a rift, beyond an initial teary conversation. 

I think that's why it all comes back to respect. My SO is someone I think very highly of - we take care of each other, and when we disagree, even if we're really upset, we're both always aware that we have respect for each other, and that we're still going to consider each others' opinions (even if it's much later, when we've had a chance to cool off). 

I think both people in a relationship need to focus on the good stuff a lot, too. If something you don't like pops up, it's not so hard to deal with when there are so many wonderful things about your partner. 

My SO is amazingly diplomatic and great with speaking to people and diffusing situations. He's diligent, and follows through with things way better than I do. He is observant of his surroundings, but also of me, and what I like and don't like and when to give me space and when I need a hug. I always feel like I'm important to him (the most important thing!). And he has no idea how much he could get away with before I ever started doubting him. 

And I know he feels the same about me. I'm good at finding solutions to unusual problems. I'm book-smart in a lot of subjects. I'm very good at organizing, whether it's the kitchen shelves, the accounting, or the schedule for an errand run... we appreciate each others' qualities a lot.


----------



## Kermitty

Faiora, funny you mention hypotheticals. Hubby and I used to have those early in our relationship. I've learned that how one logically thinks he /she will react isn't always the same once in the situation.  
I've discovered some things about myself recently as well and it has created some conflict. As people we get along and are great parents, all the stuff that makes a good friendship. Now I have to work on the stuff that separates spouses from just being friends. From what many have said, at least we have the foundation for a happy marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Laila8

It sounds like you love your spouse like you would a good friend or family member, but you just aren't hot for him.


----------



## Kermitty

Laila619 said:


> It sounds like you love your spouse like you would a good friend or family member, but you just aren't hot for him.


I agree, I'm not hot for him. I'm trying to understand why that is and how to fix that or is being hot for your partner really necessary for a happy marriage? For those that are hot for each other, are they just lucky?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Coffee Amore

Kermitty said:


> I agree, I'm not hot for him. I'm trying to understand why that is and how to fix that or is being hot for your partner really necessary for a happy marriage? For those that are hot for each other, are they just lucky?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't know if being hot for your partner is really necessary for a happy marriage. Maybe in western countries these days it'a necessary. However, I would guess the vast majority of marriages in the world don't have spouses who are still hot for each other and for them, it doesn't matter. Finding our partner hot even after many years is a western ideal. And even in western countries it's a new phenomenon. I'm sure if you went back even 200 years ago to Europe or America, the idea of thinking your spouse was hot would have been a foreign concept.

There is a certain amount of luck involved in having a happy marriage. I really believe it now. I've written quite a bit in the past about what formula I think works for a happy marriage, but the truth is people can do all the right things, say the right things, get in shape, go on date nights, have good intentions, have a good job, but still have a spouse who doesn't want to be married to them.


----------



## Laila8

Kermitty said:


> I agree, I'm not hot for him. I'm trying to understand why that is and how to fix that or *is being hot for your partner really necessary for a happy marriage*? For those that are hot for each other, are they just lucky?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think it is. 

I also don't think you can really do anything about it, you either are or you aren't. It's a chemical reaction. Does your husband's natural smell (without cologne) drive you wild?


----------



## Kermitty

Well I understand the need to have some sort of physical/sexual attraction to your spouse. How can you enjoy sex if you aren't? I don't know that this means you think your partner is hot necessarily. I have had moments where I was turned on so I would like to believe the attraction is still there just buried under a lot of hurt. 
His natural smell does not drive me wild but I don't think I could say that about any men I've ever been attracted to. I don't think it's a conscious thing for me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Mavash.

See my husband can just touch or look at me and I just melt.

Being hot for your spouse may not be necessary for happily married but it sure does help and it's fun.


----------



## Kermitty

That sounds awesome and I am certainly envious. I don't know if hubby and I will get to that point but I have no reason not to hope.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## courseplotter

I smile just watching my wife do anything at all. We kiss all the time. We share hugs and touch everytime we walk by each other. Bedtime is always exciting because we get to paste ourselves to the other most of the night. It's been like this for years and year and years. No signs of slowing down.

And yes, I think my wife is hot.

We know other couples that don't have the spark, don't like to be near the other or generally just seem to have contempt for the other. Terrible. I don't know how apathetic couples do it. I guess a lot of them don't.

I realize we aren't the norm.


----------



## Kermitty

courseplotter said:


> We know other couples that don't have the spark, don't like to be near the other or generally just seem to have contempt for the other. Terrible. I don't know how apathetic couples do it. I guess a lot of them don't.
> 
> I realize we aren't the norm.


Do you think those couples are capable of having what you have with some effort or do you think if its not there, no amount of work will lead them to have what you have?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## courseplotter

It depends on why they got to that point.

If the chemistry (sexual & personality) was never really there, then even with effort it's not going appear without some kind of personal brainwashing effort and those mindsets never last long term.


----------



## Bobby5000

I can't say I/we meet all these things. 

However, we got along well. I like and respect her as a person. We have similar interests. We have a reasonably good sex life, and we have been and remain faithful to one another. We can express anger or frustration and make up reasonably soon. We have similar ideas about raising children. Neither of us lets negative things overwhelm us. Our love sometimes shows in small things. 

The sentiments in the prior posts are nice but I think you have to be careful of expecting too much. There may be women who say after 15 years, is this all there is. And perhaps they get divorced, realize that two households are tough, financial problems increase, and the guy isn't perfect either. I think you have to have reasonable expectations. As someone once said, I had a nice life; I just didn't realize it while I was living it.


----------



## Coffee Amore

Kermitty said:


> Do you think those couples are capable of having what you have with some effort or do you think if its not there, no amount of work will lead them to have what you have?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_





courseplotter said:


> It depends on why they got to that point.
> 
> If the chemistry (sexual & personality) was never really there, then even with effort it's not going appear without some kind of personal brainwashing effort and those mindsets never last long term.


I agree. It's one thing to rekindle a spark that has ebbed, but another to create one that never existed not even in the earliest days of marriage when the two people are supposedly at their happiest. It's far easier to breathe life back into a marriage that once had that spark, but I think it's difficult to recreate it in a relationship that started out more as roommates raising a family together. It's not the marriage I'd want, but people are happy and fulfilled in marriages that are more like the latter.


----------



## Bobby5000

Let me review some things (don't mind the numbers it helps my organization) 

1. Sex I don't think this plays a primary role in many marriages, particularly as women get older. In her late 20's, a woman may have a higher drive. Once a woman has children, they occupy the primary role. Most women are happy to have a decent love life but around once a week (twice on a good week) after a couple of children is about the norm. While there are many good reasons to get married, few married men would include sex as one. There are going to be crazier things with a crazy 26 year old woman with a few drinks who really likes you and is a little wild, than a 45 year old woman with 2 kids in the next room, tired from a demanding day and cooking and cleaning and a little self-conscious about her body. 

2. Realism You have to be committed to a marriage, be willing to make compromised and you experience love and raising children together. I found that fulfilling as do many men and women. You are probably looking for too much and giving too little.

3. Decide You have to decide. It's is a big step. Is you feel you never loved him, are not attracted to him, and aren't happy, that's your call. Recognize divorce is a demanding thing, financially, stresswise, and for the children.


----------



## Bobby5000

Do note this thread from the stepchildren section of this site, (with which you should probably become familiar) 

"This is why subsequent marriages with children from prior marriages often fail.

The food costs are way over the top, the children are out of control, you know it, and yet you're powerless to do anything about it because you're afraid of causing problems with your fiance.

What you and your husband think is cute because they are your children, others may not find so appealing.


----------



## kjm

Been married 18 years. Everything I believed about marriage going in proved to be entirely wrong. Certainly worth mentioning the bad because there is so much spoken of the bliss.

Bliss doesn't happen on its own or because you put a gold band on your finger or whatever.

Good sex doesn't just happen either. In fact, 7 out of 18 years (after the birth of our first) was so awful with so much rejection from her that I fantasized about getting an attorney and divorcing her. In 7 years, we had sex on average once a month and always when she wanted to. That's right, 100% of the time when she wanted to, and when I asked, I was rejected 100% of the time. Seven years. The myths are abundant and false. You have to work at it. The problems that created took several more years to work out. Now she freely admits that she wishes she could go back and get a do-over on all of it. 

I went through a period (during that 7 years) where I began drinking heavily culminating in my total cessation of alcohol. I was an ass to her and had no hesitation to be one. 

Marriage counseling twice, the first time it was awful, the second time, we actually worked out our problems. The first 10 years, we were very, very poor. It wasn't from lack of working either. 

Then somehow, we became friends. Sex improved. Dramatically. In my wildest teenage fantasies, I could not think of any better sex or more regular than now. We are close friends. Things I never would have shared with her five years ago, (and vice versa) we share freely now. I can't wait to see her each day after work. We plan crazy vacations together and work together to raise our kids to be the kinds of boys you'd want your daughters to marry. 

And people who only know us today think it was a match made in heaven. They have no idea how hard it was to get here, nor how much it takes to stay here. If people think they will passively have a wonderful life because they stood through a ceremony in front of a preacher, they are dillusional. I was. 

The most important thing in marriage is the most important thing in life: Never give up.

Marry a friend. They'll become closer eventually.

Men- Just because you're married doesn't mean you'll have more sex. In most cases, you'll have much less than you anticipated after the new wears off until she hits 40 years old. Then I hope you've eaten well and exercised because she will wear you out.

Ladies- when you deny sex regularly, you are setting yourself up for more misery than you anticipate. Far more. In fact, having read the "porn addiction" pages and asked friends, almost all have been regularly denied sex by their wives. Completely satisfied men don't tend to cheat either. Some might, but most won't. If you think it is easy to completely satisfy a man sexually, talk to me in five years after marriage. If you still think it is easy, that's because he is gay, or is cheating on you already, or if it is true- you should write a book. 

The whole marriage thing is a lot of hard work. The payoff comes in the back end years, and the hell comes up front. If I had it to do all over again and knew what I know now, I would do it willingly and happily. I compare myself now in my marriage to others and realize that my life went from hellish awful to sublimely good once we worked out our differences and rediscovered our friendship.


----------



## kjm

Ha! I just realized that the reason I first came to this site was because our marriage sucked, sex was awful and I was drinking heavily looking for answers. That was 7 or 8 years ago I think. I lurked and then signed up. What a dramatic change life has brought us.


----------



## Kermitty

Bobby5000 said:


> 1. Sex I don't think this plays a primary role in many marriages, particularly as women get older.


This is what I thought when I got married. I thought if I had a solid friendship with my spouse, that was all that mattered. Sure, there are times when there will be less sex or more sex but if you don't desire your partner at all, that is a difficult thing to work around. 
I do have to say there were things I didn't know about myself back then. There were things he didn't know about himself. Yes, everyone grows and changes throughout life but sometimes you have to accept when things aren't working and not continue to pretend that you feel things that you just don't. 
This is all easy for me to say now with hindsight. It is up to every person to decide what is right for them and when continuing is worse for everyone than ending the marriage.


----------



## zackie

Kermitty said:


> This is what I thought when I got married. I thought if I had a solid friendship with my spouse, that was all that mattered. Sure, there are times when there will be less sex or more sex but if you don't desire your partner at all, that is a difficult thing to work around.
> I do have to say there were things I didn't know about myself back then. There were things he didn't know about himself. Yes, everyone grows and changes throughout life but sometimes you have to accept when things aren't working and not continue to pretend that you feel things that you just don't.
> This is all easy for me to say now with hindsight. It is up to every person to decide what is right for them and when continuing is worse for everyone than ending the marriage.


This post really speaks to me and my current marital situation. I always thought I had a had a happy marriage (despite some issues with my husbands mental health) but I do not desire him, I am realizing that is important, so therefore I can't be a happy marriage.


----------



## blue waters

Hi everyone! First time poster here! I've been married 12 years, married young, had 2 kids early on. About 6 years ago I fell out of love with my husband. It was bad. I felt I would never love him again, had I ever loved him? Surely at some point I must have right, things had just been bad for while. We had just moved to another state far away for his job. I had no one. It was terribly lonely and I was so depressed. Is this all there is I thought? The only thing at the time to keep me was the kids. They were young, he was/is a great dad and loves them. I couldn't take the kids states away because I didn't feel I love him anymore. There were times when I would cry and look in the mirror and think I do not love him at all. I wasn't sure what the future held, I was confused, miserable and lonely. I went to one therepist. The best piece of advice she gave me was if you don't know what you really want to do then staying is often the best decision until you know. Anyway, I was googling about marraige and came across this random forum and a paragraph that a person posted made me stop in my tracks. To this day I have the small paragraph printed and I keep it with me. It's torn and stained through the years but every once in a great while I take it out and read it over again. It still means a lot to me even now, 6 years later. And you know what. I did get over my little funk I was in. Fell back in love with my husband. I love him even more today than I did ever. I think back to those hard times and am so grateful I never left. I could not imagine my life without him. We have also grown and matured as well. We were married in our early 20s and had kids right away. Sometimes you just fall of the tracks of a marriage. And that is ok. As long as you are willing to try and find your way back. I am sorry for the rambling. Marriage is not like it seems in the movies or even books. It's messy, scary and sometimes unpleasant. In the end though, to me it is all been worth it. Below is the random posting I found in the internet about 6 years ago that has always helped me.


" I think in today's society, we put so much emphasis on letting our feelings alone guide us in staying in a relationship. That is, it's been great, but one day we stop feeling in love, feeling it's right...And then based on that lack of feeling, we choose to end it..I think sometimes we have to make the choice to be with that person, even if it doesn't always FEEL right.... Love is a choice we make everyday, feeling come and go. We live in a society where we are taught to "trust your gut" on things. The truth is, we can't ultimately know if a relationship is right. Sometimes you have to take a chance and ride out the hard times. The times when it just doesn't feel right, you don't feel in love or when your partner just irritates the crap out of you. Think long and hard before you decide to give it up in the hopes that something will feel more right to you. "


----------



## Married but Happy

We have a great marriage, and have been together going on 14 years.

I think many marriages will never be good, because one or both lack something I feel is required: generosity.

Many people see what they can get out of any situation, including marriage. They only give as much as they have to.

A good marriage requires that both give generously of their love, affection, time, and selves. Sincere desire and ACTION to create conditions that help your spouse be happy, and grow as a person is necessary. There is no fixed checklist. What is needed today is proabably different than what was needed yesterday, or will be optimum tomorrow. Perfection isn't required - but the sincere attempt is, along with communication (listen!) and compromise.

Sex is part of this. Some marriages aren't great - and perhaps can't ever be more than good (if that) - because there is unresolved sexual tension, especially where there is a large disparity in sex drive. If you have similar drives, have learned what each other wants to be sexually pleased and satisfied, and provide it, the relationship tends to work far better because you are sharing an exclusive bonding that no one else can be part of.

Edit: Let me add that everyone has flaws. No one is perfect. What matters is that your partner's flaws are ones you can live with, and won't become deal breakers.


----------



## Faithful Wife

For me, being happily married feels like having a wonderful, loving safety net around me all the time. I know I can always count on him if I am sick or need help or just a shoulder. I always feel his love surrounding me. I feel protected and warm and fuzzy all the time.


----------



## WyshIknew

Bobby5000 said:


> Let me review some things (don't mind the numbers it helps my organization)
> 
> 1. Sex I don't think this plays a primary role in many marriages, particularly as women get older. In her late 20's, a woman may have a higher drive. Once a woman has children, they occupy the primary role. Most women are happy to have a decent love life but around once a week (twice on a good week) after a couple of children is about the norm. While there are many good reasons to get married, few married men would include sex as one. There are going to be crazier things with a crazy 26 year old woman with a few drinks who really likes you and is a little wild, than a 45 year old woman with 2 kids in the next room, tired from a demanding day and cooking and cleaning and a little self-conscious about her body.
> 
> 2. Realism You have to be committed to a marriage, be willing to make compromised and you experience love and raising children together. I found that fulfilling as do many men and women. You are probably looking for too much and giving too little.
> 
> 3. Decide You have to decide. It's is a big step. Is you feel you never loved him, are not attracted to him, and aren't happy, that's your call. Recognize divorce is a demanding thing, financially, stresswise, and for the children.


Well I dunno, sex is big for us and my wife just turned 50 and she has assured me that we will be bonking till I am no longer able.


----------



## WyshIknew

My wife posted this in response to a post I made on an Alpha thread were people wondered if I should have shown that I was upset by my wife's crying on a certain occasion. I think we are ok.





Well WyshIknew....do you get a feel if your wife LIKES you the way you are, or you feel it is a turn off for her??? Sure you might have went a little overboard on this one.. we all miss it sometimes. 

Has your wife ever commented on your free flowing emotion .. some women DON'T LIKE IT... they don't want to see tears from a man... they also don't care all that much for mushy romance.... too much sensitivity from their men is a turn off. These women would do better to NOT marry a men tipped BETA... as this comes rather natural to him. 

Hi, I'm Mrs Wysh and new to this. I don't want to sign on to TAM, however I would like to put my point across in respect of my hubby's tenderness. I haven't been well for 2 weeks and the other day I had a very down (depressing) day. It stems from a number of different things (work and family). Just general worries, etc and things getting on top of me. My husband realised this and was there for me in every way that counts. I don't want someone to take me for granted and let me do everything. We have 4 children and 4 Grandchildren and this, whilst the children were growing up, was extremely tiring, as 2 of the children have problems. ASD & ADHD. When they were young my hubby was working all the time and didn't realise that I was getting very low. In view of this I shut myself away, cut him out and we didn't talk. We have now been together 25 years, married for 22, and now he talks to me about his feelings and about mine. We have a more open relationship (not in the sense of sex. just discussion. ie. we talk about things that worry or concern us). He is there for me, will tell me if I have upset him or if he feels that I am in the wrong (being the Alpha Male). He also helps me with the two boys who have problems and gets them to respect me more. He does have the Beta side to him for instance when I am down he shows that he cares. I love him for all his Alpha and Beta traites as I do not feel that a man should take a woman for granted in the fact that he starts treating her like his mother. Cleaning, caring, etc for him. Why should we. If they want a mother they should not leave home or get married. Anyway, enough of my rant as I just wanted to put the point across that I may be 7 years younger than my hubby and I am not a typical "Romantic" female, as I do not like all the clingy, flowery type of things, so my hubby is the perfect match for me. I have tried to be a bit more feminine and not so much tom boy and he has tried to be more of an average Alpha/Beta male. There is a happy medium and I believe we have both found it. I wish you could all experience the relationship hubby and I are experiencing now in our marriage. Love you Mr Wysh.


----------

