# Help me.



## KayDodd2.4 (Dec 7, 2019)

Hi! I have joined to get some advice and take a poll on something. 

My husband has been gone for 8 weeks and just came home Tuesday. 

I heard his phone go off last night while he was sleeping and it was 10 o’clock and I got curious, his brother no big deal. I was looking at marriage apps on my phone and was about to download an app for for both of us so that we could do some devotional and stuff together to become stronger. 

In his app history, there was an app that was there that was downloaded and deleted, MeetMe, a dating and talking app. No harm right ? Then I noticed it was deleted. So I downloaded it onto his phone again to give him the benefit of the doubt that he hasn’t actually signed up. 

Well, he did and had a full profile and all. Nothing said he was married. Nothing said he had kids. It said “away on work looking for someone to talk to and hang out with”. Until I saw his messages where he was messaging other women telling them “beautiful eyes”, “beautiful” and he even had one female message him and tell him to “come f*** me” at 2 in the morning Black Friday. Meanwhile I didn’t talk to him after 9 because he didn’t call me and when I called him I didn’t get an answer. 

I confronted him about it this morning, because I was so mad last light. He sees nothing wrong with this. Nothing. He “meant no harm”, and while I wanna believe that, how do I? In my opinion, a married MAN shouldn’t be telling other women they’re beautiful, because it’s not respectful. It’s degrading. And to me, downloading the app, and deleting it is a form of cheating. I’m making him go get tested for STDs because I just wanna becareful.

I am hurt y’all. Extremely hurt. My heart hurts. We’ve been through so much, and I’ve been here. I’ve always been here. I haven’t thought about it. I’ve been home busting my behind since he’s been gone, taking care of our 4 children and managing a household while working 50+ hours a week. 

Just give me some advice. Please.


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## CandiGirl (Dec 7, 2019)

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## st5555 (Dec 7, 2019)

The fact that he sees nothing wrong with his behavior is an insult to you and your family. How would he feel if you set up an account and declared to be not married? I bet he wouldn't think it was perfectly fine. 

Even if he hasn't seen another woman, he is emotionally cheating on you. You are totally correct he shouldn't be calling other women beautiful. Even though he said he was looking for someone to talk to and hang out with, we all know what happens when two adults hang out in a bar or hotel room. 

You are smart to have him tested. 

As long as he insists it's no big deal, then he's totally ignoring your feelings and that is something your partner should never do. If it's a big deal to you, then he should respect that and talk things out honestly, though you may not like what he says. 

You said you've been through a lot. If that included couple counseling, perhaps you should go back. If he doesn't want to (it's no big deal after all) then you should get help for yourself.

Good luck and I hope he comes around to address your real and appropriate concerns.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

If he regularly works away for long times, he has likely done this before and knows all the ways to 'play.' Of course he meant no harm, he didn't think you would fine out. 

It is reprehensible. How long have you been married and how old are your children? A broken heart means broken trust --a deal-breaker for me.

So, do you want an open marriage? Sounds like it is, but one-sided. He cares about himself, not you. He does not have enough integrity to fill a teaspoon. Since when is dating outside of marriage acceptable?

If you are together that long, get a PI next time he is gone. Get phone recovery. I'd demand, at least a poly along with STD testing. If he has been unfaithful even once before, talk to your lawyer and file. I am so sorry.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I'd personally see that as cheating. I'd have no tolerance for anything like that. It's the one hard boundary I've had my whole life.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

KayDodd2.4 said:


> Hi! I have joined to get some advice and take a poll on something.
> 
> My husband has been gone for 8 weeks and just came home Tuesday.
> 
> ...


I am so sorry that he chose to do that.

My story is so similar to yours, including the number of young children you have been caring for all by yourself, while your husband is away working and finding ways to occupy himself. What is with these men who forget about their wives and children while they are away at work for extended periods of time? They are childlike and selfish, that is what it is.

My husband had his affair several years ago, we aren't divorced, but much more damage was done during the years since the affair that I wish I had not reconciled or moved so we could be together. My children and I would have been better today had I divorced him then. To this day he is gone more than he is home, although I don't believe he is cheating. He's done a lot of work on himself, but not enough to fix all the harm that was done, and not enough to stop being a manipulator or fixed his warped idea about women. He gets offended easily if I say anything that contradicts him, and he rarely if ever owns his crappy behavior, much less apologizes.

You are 100% right that it is completely inappropriate for married men to be speaking with women in the way he did. Don't believe him for a second that it was innocent and that he hasn't done more than just flirt. Since he didn't answer his phone that night, he most assuredly was with that woman. And what you have found is most likely just the tip of the iceberg.

Don't have sex with him, whatever you do. Make him sleep in another room, but not next to you. Don't reconcile until he has been going to individual counseling and also marriage counseling with you, and he has confessed every sordid detail that you wish to know.

This will be difficult for him to accomplish, since he is gone so much. With that, any changes or improvements within him will take years, if ever. He can gaslight and make excuses as to why he is not going to counseling blaming it on his job. His working away from home will enable him to continue to be unfaithful and to get away with it.

Keep posting and reading here. It will help you not make huge mistakes.


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## Stillasamountain (Jan 13, 2014)

This is more than just disrespectful or emotional cheating. If it's a dating app, then he was likely using it to hook up with these women as well. I mean, why else would he want to "hang out" while he's on the road?

And his dismissive attitude doesn't bode well for any kind of resolution or future with him.

I'm sorry for you, this really sucks.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Dealbreaker. 

He has zero respect for you or for your marriage.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Next time — and there will very likely be a next time — he’ll be more careful. Why? Because he wants a little excitement on the side and that’s the way he’s chosen to get it. 

Cheaters, and that’s what he is, rarely want a divorce but they do want someone new to have fun with. They tell themselves it’s harmless but they know better. They just feel entitled. Because they work so hard, blah, blah, blah. 

He’s going to continue to try to convince you there was nothing to it. Don’t buy it.


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## KayDodd2.4 (Dec 7, 2019)

And the thing is, it’s been 4 days since I saw it. And granted I shouldn’t be going through his phone, BUT what I keep telling him is he needed to take into consideration the fact that it has hurt my feelings. The pictures that I have from it, the messages, the sneakiness, it pissed me TF off. I’m not even lying I was ready to go to jail. I was about to lose my mind. But I have a greater sense of self control. I am hurt, I am mad. He did go get tested yesterday and it came back negative, but like I told him, married men do not talk to women on an app, while their away on a work trip, alone in a hotel room. Especially if there’s alcohol involved. It’s temptation and it’s just not fkn right. We have talked a lot, with a lot of tears on my end, and he has been very apologetic. And the Rules I have laid out are not ridiculous. No codes on phones. No secrets. I honestly don’t want him touching me for a while so that will cause some distance but like I tried to explain to him, I can’t help it. I can’t help but think I’m not enough. I immediately started questioning myself. I’m still hurt and I will be for a while. And I have made it very clear, if it does happen again, he needs to gtfo of our house and not even speak to me bc I will likely lose my **** next time.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Kay, sorry you are going through this. Your gut told you something was wrong, you are protecting your marriage and family, he does not deserve any privacy.
He is cheating and has gone all the way, he has opportunity by travelling away from home. The fact he sees nothing wrong with it is a big red flag. He is hoping it will all die down and he can do whatever he likes.
How you play the game now will make all the difference.

1. Tell him to go ahead with STD testing
2. Do not have sex with him
3. Ask him to do a lie detector test, you have right to know the full extent of his philandering. He must provide access to emails, all accounts, phone, etc. He cannot complain about this because he has lost the privilege of privacy when he did this, so too bad.
4. Expose him to your family, his family
5. Go see a lawyer about your rights
6. Ask him to sleep in the spare bedroom or on the couch.
7. Start to detach, use teh 180. He needs to know that you mean business and that you will not accept this behaviour.
8. Lean on your friends at this time, start doing things for yourself such as going to gym, getting manicures, etc. You can manage without him when he is away let his see that it could well become a permanent arrangement.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

KayDodd2.4 said:


> And the thing is, it’s been 4 days since I saw it. And granted I shouldn’t be going through his phone, BUT what I keep telling him is he needed to take into consideration the fact that it has hurt my feelings. The pictures that I have from it, the messages, the sneakiness, it pissed me TF off. I’m not even lying I was ready to go to jail. I was about to lose my mind. But I have a greater sense of self control. I am hurt, I am mad. He did go get tested yesterday and it came back negative, but like I told him, married men do not talk to women on an app, while their away on a work trip, alone in a hotel room. Especially if there’s alcohol involved. It’s temptation and it’s just not fkn right. We have talked a lot, with a lot of tears on my end, and he has been very apologetic. And the Rules I have laid out are not ridiculous. No codes on phones. No secrets. I honestly don’t want him touching me for a while so that will cause some distance but like I tried to explain to him, I can’t help it. I can’t help but think I’m not enough. I immediately started questioning myself. I’m still hurt and I will be for a while. And I have made it very clear, if it does happen again, he needs to gtfo of our house and not even speak to me bc I will likely lose my **** next time.


Apologetic? So besides the test for your health what else has he done to correct this? And looking at your picture of the two of you. He seems distracted and uninvolved. Has he told you anything on his own, that he will do for your marriage besides what you have later down? If not it shows he's not really sincere and is figuring if he can get you pass this until he leaves again, that will give you time to cool down. 

He really needs to do something for you, that will show he's remorseful if he says he's just not that type of man is crap! And do it over and over to help himself keep the marriage. I don't know, maybe it's time to get yourself into a shark lawyer, and file for divorce. Now just because you file doesn't mean you have to go through with it. But you will be steps ahead of this because 1year is long enough for him to show you he's a changed man and has earned the right to be your husband! 

I'm saying he's already been given the taste of the grass is greener, and will truly be a change man or hide what he is really doing. But he will think he's really smart and get himself a burner phone. ( This is a extra phone he would use to keep doing what he is doing). But his normal phone shows nothing. It will really depends on if YOU think you can trust him from this point forward. 

Some others may not think it right, if you trust him enough because you know him and are going to work on your marriage the next time he leaves and returns you show not withhold sex, if he's not remorseful he will convince himself it ok to have sex with another because you won't. It's not right but this is the way most cheaters Compartmentalize and justify sex with another. 

Yes you don't deserve this no one does. But this IS because of him. Let him and continue to place boundaries to show his devotion to you and his children.


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