# girls and sex



## rumple9 (Jan 13, 2012)

Last couple of times I've picked my 14 year old daughter up from home there's been boys in the house from school before her mother has got home from work. Her mother is ok with this but I guess I ought to talk to her about what men are like and sex etc.

What on earth do I say and how do I best approach this?

No doubt she's had sex education at school but I don't trust her mother has said anything to her about the realities of life, peer pressure and what guys are like.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Wow, your wife has relaxed standards. No boys in our house without us here. Our oldest turns 18 in August, at that point she can do as she pleases, but until then that rule stands.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

rumple9 said:


> Last couple of times I've picked my 14 year old daughter up from home there's been boys in the house from school before her mother has got home from work. Her mother is ok with this but I guess I ought to talk to her about what men are like and sex etc.
> 
> What on earth do I say and how do I best approach this?
> 
> No doubt she's had sex education at school but I don't trust her mother has said anything to her about the realities of life, peer pressure and what guys are like.



I did it with a series of e-mails.

Like you I know my wife would never give her the information and resources she'd need to get a handle on this so. I attempted to have "The Talk" with her.

My daughter and I are very close, we talk about everything BUT she just didn't want this discussion with her father.
It embarrassed her and. I didn't push it.

So. I wrote her a series of e-mails, each one focussing on a singular concept concerning relationships and how best to behave and handle them.

First e-mail I spoke about love and what I thought it was and how to make it last and how to guard her heart from the probability of losing love.

Next e-mail I spoke about relationships and the many different configurations they come in and how to communicate, what red flags were, how to lay out her boundaries.

Next e-mail I spoke about self respect and how important and difficult it is to maintain when in love and/or a relationship.

Finally I spoke about sex, how to be safe, how to recognize when someone really cared about her and when they were just trying to use her. I spoke of STD's, birth control, and the dangers of early pregnancy.

Throughout it all I reiterated that I knew this conversation with me was difficult for her but if she ever found herself in trouble because she failed to listen to what I was trying to teach her that it was ok.
I told her that there was no one in this world who was better able to help her fix these problems than I was.
That she could come to me and I would not judge her, I would not lecture her, but I would use every resource at my disposal to try and fix what went wrong, that I would go to my grave with any and every secret she ever uttered to me still intact.

I sent her these e-mails over the course of a week.

A few days after I sent the last one I asked her if she got my e-mails.
She said yes, I asked "are we good?", she answered "Yeah, thanks dad." And that was the last of the official talk.

But this isn't a one shot deal, this stuff will come up everywhere around her and you should learn to recognize opportunities to shore up the values you're trying to instill in her when they arise.

Don't make a big thing about it just throw out an off the cuff opinion on a situation when it arises in the course of conversation.

She 'll get it.


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

Tacoma, that is a beautiful way you dealt with your daughter.

I would be really interested to see the content of the emails.
Would you be so kind as to delete any personal identifying information and share your emails with us?

Not for anyone to criticize, but I would love to see how you approached each of those issues with her.

My Father never had any of those conversations with me. I would be grateful to read your input.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

Mother of a 16-yo here! I know my ex would NEVER have any kind of meaningful dialog about this with her (just judgments and pronouncements).

My daughter and I have had MANY discussions on this, but I'm sure there are male perspectives that would be extremely useful to her that I just can't provide and she has no male role model in her life that can give her these insights. 

I'm sure there are LOTS of parents who would appreciate a caring father's "take" on relationships!


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

My daughter and I are on our way downtown to an art festival in a little while.

Let me ask her if it's ok with her to post them here.

She'll probably be fine with it but it's kind of one of those things that's just ours and I wouldn't want to post them if she didn't agree to it.

Once I get her ok I'll post them tonight after we get home.

Thanks!


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

OP, you are a wonderful dad, your daughter is a very lucky girl 

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Mine is 15 and the girl I've taken in is the same age. Unfortunately she has had sex AND in my house. I was pretty ticked when I found out and told her I wasn't running a brothel and it better not happen again.

So no boys when I'm not home is the rule.  I use TV shows, discussions about her friends when she brings stuff up or just about any reason/excuse to talk about sex and boys with her. So far there's no one special but if there is, she's at least well versed on safe sex and we have talked about the seriousness of babies and being used, etc. 

I think the method doesn't matter as long as it happens. Tacoma's emails, leaving books or notes, or awkward conversations. The earlier you start, the better.

But no boys alone with girls no matter how much you trust them. In my opinion.

OOPS - ETA - the girl who had sex in my house is not mine - it's the one I took in!!


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