# Woulda coulda shoulda



## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Well spoken. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

threelittlestars said:


> Hi,
> 
> What I should have done. My regrets Post D-day.
> 
> ...


*Preambled by the erstwhile fact that while to offer forgiveness to your adversaries actions against you is downright divine, remembering what it was that happened to you is absolutely paramount, in not ever letting one repeat the process of ever making that sad mistake again!*


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

OP, well said!


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

threelittlestars said:


> Had i been stronger. Had the consequences come faster for him, then maybe My pain would not have been drawn out for 2 years so far.


I don't get it, personally.

Why would HIS *continued* sh*t behavior be YOUR fault because you didn't take him to task earlier? Is he incapable of recognizing his own disgusting behavior and needs YOU to guide him?

At the end of the day, he had a *CHOICE* when you found out about his cheating. He had a choice to either begin to act like a man with integrity and honor, or to continue being the disrespectful piece of sh*t he was being.

He chose the latter. Even in the face of your total grief and devastation, *he* chose the latter. That speaks volumes.

I just hope reinvesting in someone like this is a good choice for you.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

threelittlestars said:


> His ****ty behavior was only my fault because I allowed it to continue. I hung on because I was more concerned about the outcome rather than the journey. The journey killed me... i HAD A CHOICE, I could have been stronger, and more calm and deliberate, but i was in SAVE IT mode. I was too busy trying to bale the sinking ship that I did not have the wherewithal to get my life jacket on.
> 
> Re investing in him i have not taken lightly. So far, he has done MORE than ever. He has been more willing to accept my pain. And I'm just not willing to settle for (SOME effort.) its all or nothing. I let go of the outcome and I finally am gaining back self respect.
> 
> i SEE so many here doing what I did, and prolonging the inevitable failure.


Well, no.

See, if you give someone a length a rope they can either use it to tow a car, get going with some serious skipping action, or hang themselves.

What they do with the rope is their choice.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

threelittlestars said:


> I see posts on here of New joiners only wanting SPECIFIC advice, that there is hope for your marriage….


Never works




> There is NO HOPE while you cling to control the outcome. You end up just tearing your own soul apart in the process


You get an A+ :wink2:



> Best advice I can give anyone is let go of the outcome and stand by your worth.


:grin2:



> You are worthy… If someone hurts you, forgiving them easily often sends the message that they can do it again. Also forgiving too easily can send yourself the message that you are not worth the effort of earning that forgiveness.


Forgiveness is misunderstood. When we forgive, we are relieving ourselves of the pain. We are on the hook, not them. The problem is that individuals forgive too early, meaning that they have not been relieved and are caught in a horrible position: the other person often continues some amount of negativity (for a lot of reasons), leaving the forgiver unsatisfied with the process and left with additional wounds. Others don't have to earn our forgiveness per se, it is more about them re-applying for an application to be welcomed back into our hearts. You identified this in what I quoted (the worth). The worth is independent of the process of forgiveness.



> Don’t throw away any hard earned self esteem by accepting the treatment of being cheated on, and THEN the following emotional abuse after D-day that often happens as the WS tries to regain control over the relationship.


I made that mistake when I was first cheated on. 



> I am in a better place now, but I wish i had been here a year or more ago…. Would have been so much better.


Excellent! I am very glad happy for you.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

threelittlestars said:


> Best advice I can give anyone is let go of the outcome and stand by your worth. You are worthy… If someone hurts you, forgiving them easily often sends the message that they can do it again. Also forgiving too easily can send yourself the message that you are not worth the effort of earning that forgiveness.
> 
> Don’t throw away any hard earned self esteem by accepting the treatment of being cheated on, and THEN the following emotional abuse after D-day that often happens as the WS tries to regain control over the relationship.


You still with this guy? I hope not.... Like you said, you're worth more than his crap.

Take this statement I quoted a step farther. YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN HIM. 

Then BELEIVE IT and dump him. Three affairs? He's NOT WORTH KEEPING. 

You're self esteem and worth ought to be worth more than this purgatory you are now in.

How could you EVER trust him again? This isn't a relationship your in now. It's JAIL.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

Wouldhave Couldhave shouldhave type scenario??

Mine: I never would have met him.


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## ShatteredStill (Dec 20, 2016)

I wish I'd discovered infidelity forums like this BOFORE I ever experienced infidelity. I think that most of us have our wouldhave, couldhave, shouldhave stories. Sad.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

ShatteredStill said:


> I wish I'd discovered infidelity forums like this BOFORE I ever experienced infidelity. I think that most of us have our wouldhave, couldhave, shouldhave stories. Sad.




None of us really had a reason to come to TAM....until we did.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

ShatteredStill said:


> *I wish I'd discovered infidelity forums like this BOFORE I ever experienced infidelity. I think that most of us have our wouldhave, couldhave, shouldhave stories. Sad*.


Amen!

I use to think I was a pretty good judge of character... HA! Just 15 random minutes reading TAM years ago would of saved me years of my life stolen from me by my WW.

Story after story, year after year, all so eerily similar. Worse... the hits just keep on coming. I gut feeling, a soft confront, blame-shifting, denial, underground... followed by months to years of confusion. 

Climbing on soapbox... We teach are kids all about honesty, perseverance, decency. Send them off to school to learn the classics of math, science, history, English. They enter adulthood and can barely balance a checking account, know little to nothing about fiance, and zip about real relationship dynamics. For some reason, these things are not considered important?

As stated above... SAD.


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