# Married to a Chef/Restaurant Owner and have no hope (Long read, but new to this)



## Mommyof3YoungOnes

I have been with my husband for 10 yrs, married for 6 of those. We have 3 kids under 3, and I have reached a breaking point. I have always wanted nothing but to be married, to be a wife and a mother. I'm the nurturing type and I really wanted these roles. So the thought that I am now finding myself in a situation where I have to make a decision to end my marriage is making me drown in guilt and all kinds of mixed feelings. I never thought divorce would be an option for me...but he's gotten me to this point! Since the beginning of our relationship, he has been one of those guys that just always puts himself first, isn't 100% tuned in to family life, although he says otherwise, and that seems to always end up somehow leading a life that I don't think a father of 3 and husband should. Our schedules already made it difficult to have a normal relationship. I have the typical 8-5 job, and he has always worked restaurant hours...which are pretty much 6 days a week 10am - nighttime. Before we had kids, he smoked pot, went out late after work, not getting home until late, and I was always upset about his actions. He never understood. Then he finally toned it down a bit. We had kids (2.5 yr old and 14 month old twins), and in that time, he would on and off go out after work, and also got himself hooked on precription painkillers because he has arthritis. There have been so many lies and broken promises, on top of the already difficult schedule, and the fact that all I ever wanted was to truly feel that he was 100% putting all his efforts into our family life on the 1.5 days he is off, but he always put his naps first and was never really tuned in. Don't get me wrong...he loves his children and I know he loves me in his way, but he doesn't know the meaning of sacrifice and the changes you make in your life for the family and for your children. I live my life for my kids. I work full time because I have to, and then I take care of those beautiful babies and play with them....alone. Always alone. If it wasn't for my mom and stepdad living nearby, I would be more alone than I could imagine. In the past 3 months, I discovered that his painkiller addiction spiraled out of control and he began buying methadone of the streets. I staged an intervention after I figured out how much he had been lying and what he had been doing. He went to rehab for a month, and as far as I know he is clean, but he made so many promises that I believed...about being a better husband and father and being there for us. He's never been someone I could really talk to and share my fears and thoughts with. I've always been so alone, and aside from not taking pills, he's back to just work, work, work, and still going out some nights until 5 am. I can't do it anymore, even though we are going thru counseling. he says he wants to work on himself and be better, but he still makes excuses and wants to point the finger at me for having an equal share in the problems in our marriage. honestly, the only things i know I need to work on are that I've been unaffectionate and not loving enough, but how could someone be, given what he's put me through and how "not there" he's been? Now he's saying he wants to put in the work, but I honestly feel no hope and know that if not now, one day it will still break up, and I'll always be miserable with him. I will always care for him in some way because of the time and these kids, but I don't feel like I can do it anymore. I feel so guilty because it's not a mutual decision for separation. we've only been separated a couple of weeks, but I'm really feeling done. These feelings of guilt come in waves and I wonder if I'm making the right move at times, but in the end, I always feel like there really is no future for a normal, healthy family with him, with family memories. Please just help me understand why it is still so hard to feel like you're 100% sure you're doing the right thing, when divorce just can't possibly ever feel "right". it's always been so wrong to me!!


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## Anna11

i have the same feeling despite being separated with my h for more than 2 yrs and had moved on it feels not right to file for divorce and can't let go


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## Susan2010

Mommyof3YoungOnes said:


> Please just help me understand why it is still so hard to feel like you're 100% sure you're doing the right thing, when divorce just can't possibly ever feel "right". it's always been so wrong to me!!


The word "divorce" is nothing but a word. You associated too much with the concept based on preconceived notions. You had never had a divorce, so why did you so completely define your life by something you never experienced? Fantasy is the reason. You decided a long time ago how you wanted your life to be, but then you made decisions to ensure your life did not turn out that way, and you also did not take into account that other people are neither driven nor defined by your fantasies. Yet, you can't leg go of the fantasy because it is ingrained on your mind.

Let go of the fantasy and begin to define and decide your life based on the reality that you live right now. Your husband will not be a better man just because you can't grasp a good hold on the need to divorce. You will not be less lonely. You will not be less unhappy by not wanting a divorce. The reality is, you are lonely, unhappy, and your husband has pushed you in the direction of separation and divorce. Not wanting a divorce will change none of that. All of it will still be your reality whether you redefine the word divorce for yourself or not. It will still be your reality if you never let go of the fantasy. But only one existence persists at a time.


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