# When do you know it's time to go/give up?



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

So when do you know it's time to go or give up in trying to repair the marriage?

When love is gone?

What if love is still there for you?

What if love is still there for the both of you?

How long do you decide to give it a go until there's nothing left?

I'm struggling with this issue because I'm tired. 

I'm tired of sacrificing my needs and wants all the time. I'm tired of being the selfish one whenever I want to address my own needs. I'm tired of everything being about HIM and nothing being about ME. I'm tired of feeling undesirable and not wanted. I'm tired of hearing "I Love You," but no actions follow to reinforce that it is indeed true.

I'm tired of making excuses for his behavior to myself and to our family. I'm tired of keeping my mouth shut and stuffing my feelings. 

I'm just plain tired.

But - I love my husband and can't seem to give up. I'm not a quitter and I'm not the type to walk away. So I continue to hang in there and get beat down emotionally because he either can't or won't try to provide what I need.

I know he can't provide as he used to, due to his TBI - I know this, so - since I do know this, are my expectations too high? If so, how do I put them aside for him and not feel like I got shafted? Does it indeed make me selfish because I can't just set aside what I need from him all the time? He seems to think so.

Is it possible that after 27 years we've grown apart and are just not the same people, even though we love each other? Has the TBI changed him SO much that he'll never be what I need?

How do you walk away when you don't want to and you love him? I can't even imagine my life without him in it - ever. But I'm also tired.

Any insight would be appreciated - I'm struggling with what the right thing is for him, us and me.


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## attmay13 (Mar 17, 2011)

You sound like my wife. I hope that he sees what hie true problem is before what happened to me and my wife happens to you two. I had a lot of issues with my Father that I have only known for a short time. When I should have been talking to my wife I kept them bottled up and then I would POP. I was not myself in any way. It took me pro. help to see that the problem was and how to fix it know Im here trying to save my marriage


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

MWIL, have you found or looked for a support group for spouses of people with similar injuries or issues? I don't envy you your situation at all... If it was simply that your spouse was unresponsive to your needs/situation with no extenuating circumstances, it would much easier to say enough is enough. But with it being due (it seems) to a brain injury, it would make it very tough to let go, because it's not his fault either.

I don't have any good advice for you... Just wanted to give you whatever support I can.

C


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## loren (Sep 13, 2010)

I don't know what to tell you... I personally think you've done well sticking it out this far and should feel like anything but a quitter. I think you know no-one would judge you if removed yourself from this toxic situation. How does the possibilty of a new life sound? Do you feel replenished at the idea or would you miss your current life with all its heartaches? These are just things to think about. Personally, I don't think it's worth hanging onto the 'memory' or the 'potential' of a man that wears you down every day, particularly if he is incapable of change and doesn't even want to. But you have so much invested of course, and the upheaval would be hard (not impossible, but hard). You need to accept that this is your life with him, not the ideal you have in your mind - *this*, then you have to ultimately decide if you want this or not. I hope that was of some help to you.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

PBear said:


> MWIL, have you found or looked for a support group for spouses of people with similar injuries or issues? I don't envy you your situation at all... If it was simply that your spouse was unresponsive to your needs/situation with no extenuating circumstances, it would much easier to say enough is enough. But with it being due (it seems) to a brain injury, it would make it very tough to let go, because it's not his fault either.
> 
> I don't have any good advice for you... Just wanted to give you whatever support I can.
> 
> C


Yes, I go to a weekly suport group.

But it doesn't help - it just teaches me how to know what he's going through and some stress techniques.

It doesn't help me figure out when enough is enough. 

I get a lot of great advice and input. But it seems its geared a lot towards my 'response' to what happens vs how I help myself deal with it. How do I stuff things down and see that it's more important to focus on him? How long do I do without everything I need? How can I be satisfied/happy and help him too?

These are the things that are never addressed in my group, in counseling, etc.

So I guess the bottom line is - while my 'head' intellectually understands everything, I can't seem to make my 'heart' go along.

Do my needs never count anymore due to his TBI? Are things over for me as they were? I'm not sure I can cope if I get to the point that all hope is lost.

That is my biggest stumbling block and has been and I can't seem to get through it.

Thanks for the support!


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

loren said:


> I don't know what to tell you... I personally think you've done well sticking it out this far and should feel like anything but a quitter. I think you know no-one would judge you if removed yourself from this toxic situation. How does the possibilty of a new life sound? Do you feel replenished at the idea or would you miss your current life with all its heartaches? These are just things to think about. Personally, I don't think it's worth hanging onto the 'memory' or the 'potential' of a man that wears you down every day, particularly if he is incapable of change and doesn't even want to. You need to accept that this is your life with him, not the ideal you have in your mind - *this*, then you have to ultimately decide if you want this or not. I hope that was of some help to you.


And that's the problem.

I don't feel replenished at the idea of a new life.

I just feel sad - and yes, I would miss this life and him.

And that's why I can't get my head wrapped around what is right.

You hit the nail on the head - the potential is what I live for. But it's getting to where it's not enough.

Perhaps it's not for him either - he frequently mentions that while he would never kill himself, he wishes he were dead everyday - because his life now is not worth getting up every day for.

So I have to live with that - that he doesn't even want to be alive and will welcome death when it comes - WTH does that leave me? Just the thought of him dying makes my heart ache.

I'm just so tired and can't figure out which way to go.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

attmay13 said:


> You sound like my wife. I hope that he sees what hie true problem is before what happened to me and my wife happens to you two. I had a lot of issues with my Father that I have only known for a short time. When I should have been talking to my wife I kept them bottled up and then I would POP. I was not myself in any way. It took me pro. help to see that the problem was and how to fix it know Im here trying to save my marriage


I hope things work out for you.

I'm not sure he's even capable (emotionally) to figure out the entire issue and while he might, it might be too late.

And that's what makes me sad. It almost feels like the last 27 years of my life meant nothing.


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## loren (Sep 13, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> he doesn't even want to be alive and will welcome death when it comes - WTH does that leave me? Just the thought of him dying makes my heart ache.
> 
> I'm just so tired and can't figure out which way to go.


I am sorry to hear that. It sounds, though, as if you've wrapped your self-esteem around him. I don't know if it was always like this in the marriage, but certainly since the injury, and this is contributing to you feeling lost. I don't know if there is a form of IC you can have to work on your self esteem. You wrote you have been lying to others and yourself to justify his treatment of you. Lying to yourself erodes yourself... It's no wonder you are lost at the thought of leaving/losing him. Your spirit has been diminished so much it sounds as if you believe he is all you have. I think working on building up your self-worth in any way you can is the first step towards seeing things clearly, and really knowing whether you have the strength to make a better life for yourself.


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## attmay13 (Mar 17, 2011)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> I hope things work out for you.
> 
> I'm not sure he's even capable (emotionally) to figure out the entire issue and while he might, it might be too late.
> 
> And that's what makes me sad. It almost feels like the last 27 years of my life meant nothing.


 I was told that I was not emotionally capable to figure out all the issues I have. And all the people that told me that were right! Thats why I got help. My wife asked me to get help sometime ago and boy I wish I would have. Im still finding issues that I didnt know were there. There is no way that he can see the goodtime in the last 27 years. Maybe there is just something eating on him. Best of luck


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

loren said:


> I am sorry to hear that. It sounds, though, as if you've wrapped your self-esteem around him. I don't know if it was always like this in the marriage, but certainly since the injury, and this is contributing to you feeling lost. I don't know if there is a form of IC you can have to work on your self esteem. You wrote you have been lying to others and yourself to justify his treatment of you. Lying to yourself erodes yourself... It's no wonder you are lost at the thought of leaving/losing him. Your spirit has been diminished so much it sounds as if you believe he is all you have. I think working on building up your self-worth in any way you can is the first step towards seeing things clearly, and really knowing whether you have the strength to make a better life for yourself.


Good point(s).

I am and have been in counselling. Self-esteem is an issue I'm having trouble with.

And it might be the reason I feel so lost and yes, my spirit has been diminished greatly.

I have the resources to be on my own (more than he has), but getting my heart to go along with it has been impossible thus far.


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## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> It almost feels like the last 27 years of my life meant nothing.


MWIL,

The past years mean a great deal no matter what happens today, tomorrow is always unknown. Your life in happier times should not be forgotten.

I truly sympathize and empathize - my stbxw's mental issues - depression, OCD, & narcissism went up more than a few notches these last few years while her libido disappeared much to my disappointment. We met in '84 and married five years later, until 2008 or so it was a very happy relationship, good sex, very few arguments and many kind words, but something happened and closeness disappeared. When I retired and friends died or became seriously ill I realized I wanted to live fully and seek love, companionship, and affection.

Until I moved out she refused to speak with a counselor, my departure was the kick she needed to work on her issues, while my life is much more enjoyable w/o her.

I think you are now struggling with the issues I dealt with - you've been together so long, done so much together, see your spouse as a key part of your life, wonder what will happen if you separate, wonder about your moral obligations and still care about your spouse.

It isn't easy to change your life in your 50s or older and requires a lot of compromises and tears no matter what choices you make, your husband's TBI complicates matters greatly. 

I don't know what the best course is but have you considered taking a month or longer break from your h? Physical separation might allow you to see how you would live your life w/o him. This doesn't have to be an either/or decision, it seems to me as if you need some distance and perspective and a real break - not a week, not two weeks.

I don't know how much care your h needs, but it sure sounds as if you need some time for yourself.

If you still work or are retired and can take a long vacation, short term furnished apartments aka suites can be found in many cities around the country, Marriott's Residence Inn's are one example, while a little bit of googling will find other units just about anywhere - think about Spring in Paris or Rome or Nice or Florence or Hawaii or travel to places you've always wanted to visit.

If you want to stay in your house and work many excellent nursing home, that homes offer "vacations" in short stay units. The residents of these units are recovering from surgery, falls, &c, or have various health issues that have stressed their caregivers to the breaking point. In many homes these patients are not part of the general nursing home population so it is much nicer for all parties. 

Alternatively home care aides can be found in many communities through agencies that monitor the aides - do a lot of checking, this is one area where you don't want to make quick decisions. 

If it turns out you and your h prosper with him a resident of a nursing home I understand Federal laws or regulations states that since "the home has the body" they have to keep him and he bypasses the waiting list if there is one. Ugly words but true, though you should check with a nursing home admissions person. 

Unfortunately for most of us the price of long term care in a good nursing home is unaffordable and the rules for Medicaid assistance mean middle class spouses will spend just about every penny before the state will provide care for ill spouses. There is a lot to be said for divorce once the kids are grown.

Good luck.


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

I'm sorry MWIL! I thought things were going somewhat better. The last thing I had read was about how he was responding better to how you were acting and the things you were doing, etc. What happened?


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## changehappens (Sep 14, 2010)

it's time to go when you reach the end of the rope. when you can no longer feel your feet on the ground and you've honestly tried everything you can think of short of losing your dignity. when you get real.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

When you feel you have done all you can. When you can take a step back and ask yourself, what is my payoff for continuing to live like this. 

If you are tired of living like this, and you feel you have tried all you can, and you're basically spinning your wheels, then there is no real reason to stay. Love is wonderful, but in reality, it does not solve all or concur all. People can love someone and not actually be involved with them as far as being married. 

I think over the years it seems you have lost yourself so much, that even though you may have days where you feel you're getting yourself back, it shouldn't be just days you feel that way, it should be consistent, and as long as you are living a yo yo lifestyle, I don't think you'll ever really feel like you have found yourself. Just my 2 cents.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

"When do you know its time to go/give up?"


When your same struggles from years ago are still the same struggles as they are today. 

I know we all have struggles, but when you're faced with pretty much the same struggles year, after year, after year, then nothing has truly changed. Change is what allows people to be able to grow and move forward. If you're not really moving forward, then nothing has changed because you're still stuck in the same situation with the same kind of issues.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

I'm sorry MWIL. I feel a lot of the same way. Why am I trying so hard and he is like a lump just receiving and never giving? Have you read Divorce Busting? Gives you a lot of ideas for changing the dynamics. If the same old thing doesn't work, try something different. But you are right and I have no answer for "When do we stop trying?"


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

AgentD said:


> I'm sorry MWIL! I thought things were going somewhat better. The last thing I had read was about how he was responding better to how you were acting and the things you were doing, etc. What happened?


I wouldn't exactly say that any ONE thing happened. It's just that the same things keep cropping up and I keep going round and round.

He keeps calling me selfish when I want to address any of MY issues or MY needs. Everything revolves around him now since the TBI.

While I understand that from a standpoint he has mental and physical issues that will never resolve, it's getting old that I have to put everything aside that is important to me for him.

And that makes me feel guilty at the same time and that I have an obligation to him (and I feel that I do).

I'm just not sure anymore that I'm strong enough to continue - a lot of it is beyond his control, but the things that ARE NOT beyond his control are the issues that I have - the issue being the difference between "can't" and "won't." I have no direct issues with anything he "can't" do and I've been around long enough to know what those are - but there are many things he CAN do that he "won't" do and that's where I have the disconnect.

His neuro-psychologist keeps telling me that the issue of "won't" is not really in play because there is brain damage and that he doesn't think in a direct and reasonable manner. And you know what - he may be right - but I haven't gotten there yet where I can TOTALLY believe that his "won'ts" are not within his control.

And maybe THAT is my problem, I don't know.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

LonelyNLost said:


> I'm sorry MWIL. I feel a lot of the same way. Why am I trying so hard and he is like a lump just receiving and never giving? Have you read Divorce Busting? Gives you a lot of ideas for changing the dynamics. If the same old thing doesn't work, try something different. But you are right and I have no answer for "When do we stop trying?"


No I haven't, but I will look it up - thanks.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

ThinkTooMuch said:


> MWIL,
> 
> The past years mean a great deal no matter what happens today, tomorrow is always unknown. Your life in happier times should not be forgotten.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the input.

He is not in the condition that warrants a nursing home or full-time nursing care (hence the reason I can work).

But he can't handle all his care on his own. Due to memory issues, he forgets to take his meds at times; balance issues can cause falls now and then and so on and so forth.

I'm already working with the VA for home health care aid that can check in on him, etc. That takes a while to go through.

Unfortunately, due to my job and his health, I cannot take an extended vacation of any kind. Maybe that's what I need, but not in the cards for me right now.

His father is in critical health and we are going to AR for a few days starting today - we tend to have less issues when we're away from home and out and about.

I think part of the reason I get so down and he gets so aggravated is that he's depressed. Since the TBI, his world has gotten smaller. Since we have no family here, all he has is me. No friends, no places he can go, etc. So all he does is to go his doctor appt's and watch TV. He's gotten into a funk and it has caused more depression which affects everything else. I'm trying to get him out of that and with the warmer weather, that will help. He practically holed himself up in front of the TV all winter.

But thanks for the input - I appreciate it.


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## loren (Sep 13, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> he may be right - but I haven't gotten there yet where I can TOTALLY believe that his "won'ts" are not within his control.
> .


From what you have said, he 'won't' stop drinking, which is highly dangerous for both of you in his condition. I'd say that is within his control since it involves purchasing liquor.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> he frequently mentions that while he would never kill himself, he wishes he were dead everyday - because his life now is not worth getting up every day for.


This part is just SO very sad, and what do you do with that, IT IS how he feels. 

I really believe some people/ personality types/ whatever just CAN'T handle physical limitations and debilitating change as easy as others. I bet your husband is one of those types, EXTREMELY angry this has come upon him, and he just wants to lash out at anyone who is there - YOU getting the brunt of all of it. 

I have often thought of this, but I hope nothing like that EVERS happens to me, cause I would literally be a monster to live with, I could not stand to be in a helpless situation. I think the only way I would feel normal again is to be surrounded by other people going through the same thing, support group kind of thing. Just my wayward thoughts on it. 

Yeah, getting him out there, making a few friends, visiting someplace he might enjoy. If he can DO something that makes him feel "useful", this will give him hope, something to latch onto, something to wake up to everyday. 

What you are dealing with, I swear, these have to be the hardest trials God can throw at man.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

MWIL,
This is from http://www.counselingonlinesite.com/2009/02/predictable-patterns-of-marriage-breakdown/

Stage Four:
Rather than face the pain and overwhelm they expect to experience, partners who have reached this third ‘defensive’ stage, may progress to the forth and final stage of breakdown, characterized by a breakdown of basic trust between the partners, and increasing disengagement in the name of self-protection. Like a steam-valve in a pressure cooker, the partners start avoiding one another so as to minimize their conflicts. Gottman calls this final stage, “Stonewalling”, perhaps after the image of a partner hiding behind a stone wall designed to protect him or her from further assault. Unfortunately, there is no way to love your partner when you are hiding behind a wall to protect yourself from him or her.

You will know when you’ve got to stage four, if you get there that is. I don’t over dramatise, I knew through excruciating emotional pain that brought on a 4 week nervous breakdown that I couldn’t go on anymore and I couldn’t take even a 1% risk that I’d go through that level of pain ever again.

Bob


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

Jamison said:


> "When do you know its time to go/give up?"
> 
> 
> When your same struggles from years ago are still the same struggles as they are today.
> ...


:iagree:


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

AFEH said:


> MWIL,
> This is from http://www.counselingonlinesite.com/2009/02/predictable-patterns-of-marriage-breakdown/
> 
> Stage Four:
> ...



Thanks for the link. I'll go out and look at it.

I understand what you're saying - I just wish it was easier said than done.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Jamison said:


> "When do you know its time to go/give up?"
> 
> 
> When your same struggles from years ago are still the same struggles as they are today.
> ...


I don't disagree.

But when do you decide that the same struggles aren't worth dealing with anymore?

Especially when you have my situation - where the struggles aren't just from some jerk-ass husband who doesn't want to play ball, but from someone who has had a serious medical incident and they are not TOTALLY responsible for what they do/say? When is it then okay to walk away? 

I'm thinking never at this point. How could I live with myself? While I understand that I deserve a life too, he deserves to have a wife who will stand beside him 'in sickness and in health'. That's what he signed up for so who am I to say that sorry - it got too tough and I didn't really mean it?

Wouldn't I expect the same devotion from him if the tables were turned? Would he give me the same devotion - I don't really know - but I would hope so.

Maybe this situation is to show me what "true love" is. It's not about me and what I want but about what's best for him - isn't that what love is all about?

This has been so hard on me I don't know if I'm coming or going sometimes...until you've lived it, I can't even explain the issues. Lots of them that I haven't even talked about here on TAM - little things and big things - from the minute of ensuring that all his stuff is where it's supposed to be or he can't find it (object permanence), to not saying - do you remember? Because of course he doesn't and it makes him feel stupid to be reminded of the fact, even though it's just normal conversation.

He can sense that something is wrong...he asked me yesterday what was wrong and I just told him that I had a lot on my mind - and he said, well, don't keep it on your mind - act on it - just wish it was that simple.

At this point, I can tell you - I'm stuck. My upbringing and moral background will not let me just walk - no matter what. He would have to leave me first and I don't see that happening anytime soon as he can't support himself by himself and he needs me at this point. And that's the sad part too - does he really love me, or is it just because he needs me?

Sometimes life just sucks!


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

MWIL, you're right! You are stuck! Mostly because when you said the statement below. I can only imagine how hard this must be, because you are with someone who is not being a total jerk just because. He actually does have some things going on in which he can't help. I do not know what to tell you. 

"Especially when you have my situation - where the struggles aren't just from some jerk-ass husband who doesn't want to play ball, but from someone who has had a serious medical incident and they are not TOTALLY responsible for what they do/say? When is it then okay to walk away?"


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Jamison said:


> MWIL, you're right! You are stuck! Mostly because when you said the statement below. I can only imagine how hard this must be, because you are with someone who is not being a total jerk just because. He actually does have some things going on in which he can't help. I do not know what to tell you.
> 
> "Especially when you have my situation - where the struggles aren't just from some jerk-ass husband who doesn't want to play ball, but from someone who has had a serious medical incident and they are not TOTALLY responsible for what they do/say? When is it then okay to walk away?"


And I think we're both right - I'm stuck.

I was thinking today it might be a whole lot easier on him and me if I realize, once and for all, that my marriage, as I knew it has been irrevocably changed - and it's not anyone's fault - it's just the way it is. 

I keep thinking, well if I do this, we'll get back here, if only this, things would be the same, etc. And that's probably what's holding me back from accepting everything AS IT IS and moving on from here.

Bottom line is:

- My husband will never be who he was - not his fault.
- Our relationship has shifted, whiile I'm still his wife, I also play caretaker.
- I will never be 'just his wife' again.
- He will never move the same, talk the same, think the same - remember things like I do.
- Our sex life will never be the same again either - in part due to resentments he holds and in part due to the TBI and other factors that are within/and not within his control (the drinking).

My counselor (also his) who is a neuro-psychologist has been trying to get it into my head that brain injuries are funny things. I can't expect him to behave a certain way, because he CAN'T and it's not his fault. What seems to make sense and is perfectly normal for me, IS NOT for him and I have to quit looking at what he says/does in that manner. He's told me that my expectations are what is causing me to constantly feel disappointed, that I have not adjusted them to the situation at hand and that I want things to be the same and him to be the same and that's never going to happen.

I guess today (almost 2.5 years later) it's finally sunk in. I was holding on that maybe he was wrong, I was wrong - but you know what - he's not wrong and I have been.

I'm going to start acting like I have a 'new' husband (which I do), and adjust my expectations and behavior on that fact and quit clinging to the past and what can never be again.

Maybe then, 'I' won't feel so short-changed and shafted (because that's how I feel right now).

And I bet he has picked up on that somehow and it's not helping matters any. He makes the comment frequently to me that I'm just staying with him because I feel sorry for him (and that's actually not the reason - do I feel sorry for him, sure and myself too).

Anyone know of a forum for TBI and/or stroke injuries on the web? I'm going to google - that might help if I could commiserate with others in the same situation and get ideas/feedback.

Thanks for the support though!


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## MidwestDave (Jun 18, 2009)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> So when do you know it's time to go or give up in trying to repair the marriage?
> 
> I'm tired of sacrificing my needs and wants all the time. I'm tired of being the selfish one whenever I want to address my own needs. I'm tired of everything being about HIM and nothing being about ME. I'm tired of feeling undesirable and not wanted. I'm tired of hearing "I Love You," but no actions follow to reinforce that it is indeed true.
> 
> ...


I think I could have written this.

I'm not a quitter either; but recently I wonder if "not being a quitter" has a bit of a masochistic side to it. I am not sure it is always a positive.

My spouse's emotional selfishness is the core problem in our marriage (which is a long one too). I get so tired of constantly setting aside my own needs, beliefs and self esteem just to hold the relationship together. 

But one thing I CAN tell, after reading this post, is that you have character; you know the truth when you see it; and that you are intelligent enough to make the right choice at the right time.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Just when you think you've got it all figured out, you get thrown a curve ball that makes you throw it all out the window.

At the VA today with my husband at his doctor appt.

The doctor knows us both quite well and has treated him post-TBI for his various issues.

The doctor turns to my husband and says: "I'm surprised that she hasn't killed you yet."

My husband looks at the doctor and says: "To be honest, I'm surprised she hasn't either."

So - an acknowledgement...he knows, what can or can't be done about it - that's a different story with his issues.

But just a simple acknowledgement somehow makes it all worth it in some small way.

Until the next crisis or issue, of course!


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## DDDCanada (Mar 23, 2011)

I am 36 years old and was married for 8 years to my ex-wife. We got together in our early 20s and were never with anyone else. We loved each other deeply but couldn't meet each other's needs. She eventually was unfaithful which led to the end of the marriage. My advice is that you be absolutely honest with yourself about the situation. If you don't realistically see it changing with your partner, you should consider moving on sooner rather than later. I'm sure this won't be easy for either of you but the alternative is feeling as you do today for the rest of your life.


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## second timer (Mar 22, 2011)

"I'm tired of sacrificing my needs and wants all the time. I'm tired of being the selfish one whenever I want to address my own needs. I'm tired of everything being about HIM and nothing being about ME. I'm tired of feeling undesirable and not wanted. I'm tired of hearing "I Love You," but no actions follow to reinforce that it is indeed true.

I'm tired of making excuses for his behavior to myself and to our family. I'm tired of keeping my mouth shut and stuffing my feelings. 

I'm just plain tired."

OMG, this is EXACTLY what I'm dealing with. I appreciated the wonderful comments you posted under my dilemma and wanted to return the favor.

After several years of suffering irrational behavior, fits of rage and unwarranted emotional abuse I FINALLY began talking back and sticking up for myself. It wasn't easy since I'm a very stable and steady person who took it for so long only to ensure domestic tranquility for our blended family. But that's when the real problems began because we began fighting all the time and I came to realize we were both the losers in this foolish game. Now she tells me (two nights ago) that we're in "crisis mode" (whatever THAT is) in an effort to bring me down to her depressed level and bully me some more with her emotional manipulation.

I'm tired and running out of ideas too so I can totally feel your pain. There's only so hard you can try before you just throw the towel in, move on and reinvent yourself and what's left of your life.

If you get this all figured out please throw some advice my way too. You are not alone and I suspect there are plenty of other abused people who feel just as despondent as you and I.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

second timer said:


> "I'm tired of sacrificing my needs and wants all the time. I'm tired of being the selfish one whenever I want to address my own needs. I'm tired of everything being about HIM and nothing being about ME. I'm tired of feeling undesirable and not wanted. I'm tired of hearing "I Love You," but no actions follow to reinforce that it is indeed true.
> 
> I'm tired of making excuses for his behavior to myself and to our family. I'm tired of keeping my mouth shut and stuffing my feelings.
> 
> ...


The same thing happened to me - when I started standing up for myself, it seems a day couldn't go by without a knock-down, drag-out and that got old quick.

I've stopped that and readdressed how I feel and what I want and what's best for him.

I'm in this for the long-haul, if anyone leaves, it's going to have to be him. I'm just too damn stubborn to give up without a fight, and he knows it.

I do have to admit though that a good portion of what happens is also my fault. I know how things are, I know what his limitations are and I need to adjust my expectations and reactions based on that if I have decided to stay - which I have. 

So I'm working on recognizing the limitations more, adjusting my expectations (sometimes they are too high based on the situation I have at hand), and definitely adjusting my reaction to what happens. I've noticed that how "I" react can determine where and how the situation heads - good or bad. So I'm working on that to diffuse situations so they don't get out of control.

Try it, might work. Things are never going to be back to what I call normal in my marriage - and that's neither one of our fault, it is what it is.

"I" need to adjust how I deal with it and react to it - that's on me. I can choose to make it worse or I can choose to make it better.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

MWIL,

What you're doing sounds like 100% relationship stability.

Not sure that's the best way to get what you need.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

UPDATE:

For those of you who are following, here is the latest update.

We've had a bit of a breakthrough (on my husband's part, and mine too) and the last week and a half have been completely different in our interactions with each other and the marriage in general.

It first started with me. I decided that I was tired of arguing and fighting about the same things and that in the long run all it did was cause hard feelings and additional resentment on my part and his and I just needed to stop. So I did.

In turn, he seemed to change how he was reacting towards me and became more solicitous, concerned and a general way of behavior that was more loving towards me.

We then both had our IC sessions last week (our MC is later). He told me he had a good session and that we needed to make sure that we both made our MC session (so he's willing to continue MC).

We both have the same counselor and when I showed up for my session, the counselor had my husband's permission to discuss some things with me that were discussed in his session. The first thing the counselor told me was that my husband truly did love me. He said he gave him every opportunity to say he didn't, but he professed that he did.

He also had discussed the sexual problems (he brought it up for the first time), and that his sex drive had dropped, he was having problems with ED and felt pressured by me and that made it worse. He also discussed the issues I had with his porn usage and said that while he did look at porn - it wasn't constantly and to the degree that I thought it was. That some of the things that showed up were pop-ups and not sites he had actually visited.

He said that I didn't understand how tired he got from trying to walk each day (without falling) and that when he went to therapy (physical and cognitive), that it wore his body and brain out and the last thing on his mind when he got home was sex. That it wasn't really me (and apparently, my stomach is an issue - just not the entire issue, he mentioned it also during the session--it does look gross).

When I spoke with the counselor I told him that I understood the physical and cognitive issues and how tired he could be. I just wanted a compromise and him to try to meet my sexual needs, in some fashion, within his capabilities - I didn't expect perfect or the way it used to be.

The counselor agreed and we are going to try to work on that during our MC, come up with a compromise and/or a schedule that we can both live with.

My husband took me to dinner that evening and during dinner we had the following conversation, started by him.

H: I love you, you know that, don't you?
W: Yes I do.
H: Then how come you have to hear it all the time?
W: I don't, but I do have to hear it sometimes, it's just the way I am. When I tell you I love you, it doesn't mean you always have to say it back, in fact I prefer sometimes if you don't, because then you are just repeating it. It means more to me if you just come out and say I love you, on occasion.
H: Ok. Well if you love me, how come you're always on my case?
W: I don't mean to be, maybe I'm just not showing my love the way you need me to.
H: I am trying, I just have so much going on physically and mentally that I just get worn out and I don't feel you understand that. Sex is not a #1 priority for me right now. Doesn't mean I don't love you, I just have so much that I worry about - walking without falling, being able to speak what I'm thinking without stuttering, etc. 
W: I do care, I don't truly understand what you're going through, because I'm not in your shoes, but I do care and I just want you to throw me some crumbs now and then so I don't feel like I'm not wanted.
H: I do throw you crumbs but that never seems to be enough.
W: It is, I'm sorry I've made you feel this way.
H: I do love you, we'll work this out.
W: Yes we will.

So, there is hope on the horizon, I'm glad I stuck in there. We'll continue counseling, I'll continue to try to not cause so much pressure (I didn't think I was, but he does), and he is trying to be more of a loving husband, he's shown that in a lot of ways in the past week or so. Heck - he even peeled my crab for me at dinner - he's never done that before.

So, I'll keep up my end and be more loving and less critical and hopefully he'll continue to evolve too. I'll let you know what happens during MC and where we can compromise on the sex issue. I did initiate on Saturday and he was tired, but he did help me out and then went to sleep - that's a step in the right direction, at least it wasn't all about him.

Thanks for everyone's support!


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