# Lots to unpack, husband keeps asking for divorce for petty reasons and gets very loud and embarrassing



## hgfrty (5 mo ago)

HI everyone, 

I have been married for 10 years now and have two toddlers. My husband has been financial control freak and has unhealthy way to discuss financial goals and has temper tantrums even at his age. When he had separate bank accounts, he lied to me about his salary and I ended up chipping out much more for household expenses than I should and he ended up saving his part. When we then switched to joint account, he blames me for all the expenses and exacerbates all the things falsely and when I confronted him with actual numbers he didn't have any reply. This goes on every month where in he blames me for staying within the budget but the numbers tell a different story as I don't spend on myself at all, there are these variable monthly unpredictable expenses where he had to pay his immigration lawyer which he didn't know earlier of and the next month he had to return extra money that he got for his paternity leave. He blames these numbers on me and I sick and tired of waiting to have healthy budget and financial discussion with him. He asked me to cut down on grocery shopping which is a basic food necessity and when I asked him that once he stops spending on his alcohol [which is a non essential] then he would be in the position to demand any other cuts from other essential categories , he became defensive. He and his father only discuss about money all the time and even with so much discussion they make financially poor decisions like staying in the same rental apartment for last 20 years rather than buying a house and they are no financially the most well off. These financial and budget discussions often set trigger and he often gets extremely loud and screams and goes in other topics that are not related, often at the cost of embarrassment of neighbors listening to us for so many years. Once he purposely was standing at the open house door and continued to verbal argument loudly so that neighbors could hear us, I told him to get inside the house but he just wont listen. He refuses to buy baby books and blames me for spending on play pen to contain babies when they started crawling [intention was to keep them safe]. He also refuses to seek counseling stating the same reason that we cant afford it and often sometimes say that we are beyond repair. 

He gets very physically tensed and start throwing things around, he once punched huge hole in the bathroom door when I was using it because he wanted to use it at the very same time, and there was no explanation for this violent behavior, I was so surprised. He threw phone holding stick with which I talk to my family members, outside the house. In temper tantrums he has hit his head on the wall too once. He broke the bedroom door to enter, the first day I came come after delivery when I was breastfeeding, when I asked him to give me some time to open it. And when I started pumping when my baby was crying, he mentioned had I been a good mother, I would have pumped earlier rather than waiting for him to cry. It got to me and I threw away my breast pump and started to cry and he falsely accused me of throwing the pump at him and my baby in his arms and he said I was mentally unstable to take care of my own kids and that he doesn't trust me with them which is not true since he was the one who interfered in normal breast feeding process by not giving me privacy. He made some comments like my professional medical license should be revoked since I am unable to take care of my own kids which is so not true. Culturally since we are from asian background, my parents kept asking to me play it down and not to react and see on his good side. One of my friend's husband died due to covid and he brought it up once that i will turn out like her with no husband. He also brought up one of the family members who had cancer and mentioned that all 4 of us will get cancer [us and our two kids] without any reason. 

He keeps digging in the past and brings up topics which are years old and is always talking of divorce over petty arguments. Every month on a average at least once he mentioned he wants a divorce, if not more, for the last 10 years, even when I was going through . I was busy with my work [I work in medical field and often long hours and on weekends too] and hence I never had enough energy to spend on his arguments but with my IVF cycles I remember that in the middle of every cycle he would say that he wants to quit and doesn't want me to go through all of it and then he would change his mind again. He was mentioning to his cousin that he is depressed on the day my pregnancy test was positive, [and his cousin didn't know then that I was pregnant since it was so soon to share]. He said that he will divorce me so often and when I ask him why he doesn't do it, he says he will do it when time is right [for the last 10 years] and keeps repeating for petty reasons that we are non compatible and that his parents forced him to marry me and that it was a mistake. His temper is extremely volatile and if also tied to bank balance. Now he crossed the limit again when he started to blame me when kids are crying in the middle of our fight and leaves them next to me for me to do the work to calm them down. He has screamed at our pet as an outlet when we were fighting in the past. I took pregnancy and maternity break due to high risk complications and have been actively looking for work whenever I get time from taking care of two kids but every day he insults me for not working and for not earning and keeps reminding me that he is superior since he is earning. He often boasts about his work promotions [which he can focus on since I am taking care of the kids] and insults me for not currently working. He often states that he is worth more than me since he is earning more. Even when I was working he was never happy with what I did anyways. His elder sister has some psychiatric issues which I am not aware of and I often tell him that I would not tolerate raising my kids in the current environment, he changes for a day or two and then keeps high lighting how well behaved he is in those days and then goes back to his original insulting ways of talking to me everyday for no good reason. His mother is also exactly like him, she taunts and insults without any reason and often causes harm when she visits over. 

He complains every single day of his life about things wrong around and has faked that he had COVID so many times just so that he can quarantine and focus on his work while I get to take care of running the house. I just want to start earning and be in financial situation to file for divorce which he keeps threatening but asks me to do it, but I keep second guessing myself. He would often blurt out all the legal ramifications of separation and when I asked him how he knows so much, he says he as to know his options with a spouse like me, and when I ask him why didn't he file for it already, he keeps asking me to do it. There are days when his temper is normal and he helps a lot around the house [only after he has taken care of himself, his gym, and his work], hence I am divided at what point should I just separate. May be when I start earning since its definitely not healthy for my kids to be raised in this environment but I don't know the financial and parenting ramifications of separation and divorce.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

He's a liar. That's why you don't stay with him. He's also defrauding you, if what you say is true. So yeah, wouldn't you be better off on your own but insisting to the court or attorneys that he take 50/50 custody of the toddlers so that you have time to rest up and work a full career and do the shopping and errands? If you just take the kids (assuming he'd be ok with that), then he is free to just be a drinking bachelor but will have so pay you some child support (it's never enough) and you'd still have to work to make ends meet. You can't live on that alone. So you need to split custody with him. You will likely get no or only temporary support from him (depends where you live), but every penny you earned, you could decide what to do with. He would have to shell out for childcare when the kids are not in school when it is his days or week to take them, and you would be responsible for seeing they get childcare when it is your days or weeks to have them. 

Of course, if you have babysitting relatives, you can use those when it's your turn, but it's his problem when it's his turn and he needs to go to work. 

You might even find some work to do at home like many people are able to do these days. I don't know your skills. Not that it's easy to work with kids around, but depends.


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## Teacherwifemom (5 mo ago)

There is so much more to life than this. I’m not one to quickly jump to divorce as advice but this seems like an absolute no brainer. He offers you no pleasure in life, no respect at all, and definitely no love.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

About counseling, the people with the biggest problems don't want to go because they do know they're wrong.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

DownByTheRiver said:


> He's a liar. That's why you don't stay with him.


And violent.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

He's a violent bully. Run. You are being abused.


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## hgfrty (5 mo ago)

Thank you for all your replies, I would like to keep my dog since I have seen him shouting at my dog if he ends up fighting with me, but don't know if it is legally possible to do so. He is angry for no reason multiple times, like he would say that I keep him from meeting his friends and have night outs. But he never makes any plans with me and always states the same reason that he doesn't have money. And when I ask him how he can afford to spend money on himself alone, his reply is that he deserves it and that its never as much as taking family out. I completely fail to understand why is he behaving the way he is [and may if I know that I can understand better if this behavior is reparable or not]. I think he acts out just like his father does. But he should know better. He is never grateful for what we have. I have tried talking to his parents and sister but realized its futile since they always take his side. My parents think divorce is a taboo and we don't have extended family in this country [USA, New Jersey to be exact] who can help me with the kids. I feel stuck more so because I dont even know of the life will be better without divorce, mean socially since I will be all alone.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Good God,
I barely got through the first paragraph and voted for divorce! 

You two are majorly incompatible, and it'll only get worse. May I ask what culture you two come from? I know you said Asian, but that's a huge category. You sound very educated, intelligent and reasonable. If you were advising your sister in this situation, what would you tell her?


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

hgfrty said:


> My parents think divorce is a taboo and we don't have extended family in this country [USA, New Jersey to be exact] who can help me with the kids. I feel stuck more so because I dont even know of the life will be better without divorce, mean socially since I will be all alone.


Please don't be afraid of this, it's not so bad. My situation was quite different, but I left with no job, no social network and started over in a new town. I've been slowly improving my situation, and I can tell you peace is priceless. 

Your husband sounds very dangerous to be around. Do you have the means to leave? It's hard, especially without kids, but doable if you want it badly enough.


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## hgfrty (5 mo ago)

TXTrini said:


> Good God,
> I barely got through the first paragraph and voted for divorce!
> 
> You two are majorly incompatible, and it'll only get worse. May I ask what culture you two come from? I know you said Asian, but that's a huge category. You sound very educated, intelligent and reasonable. If you were advising your sister in this situation, what would you tell her?


Indian, I would advice my sister not to get into this marriage in the first place. But with kids, dog and not having any other family member in this country, I am unable to imagine how life will turn for better or for worse during and after divorce. And how it will affect my kids. I will have to go and meet couple of lawyers once I start a new job.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

hgfrty said:


> Indian, I would advice my sister not to get into this marriage in the first place. But with kids, dog and not having any other family member in this country, I am unable to imagine how life will turn for better or for worse during and after divorce. And how it will affect my kids. I will have to go and meet couple of lawyers once I start a new job.


I understand your hesitance. Definitely start squaring yourself away, a job and a lawyer are great first steps. Are you a citizen? I'd consult an immigration lawyer as well to cover all bases. Also, start a separate bank account or get a safety deposit box and start squirreling away some money, even if it's a small amount here and there. It's easier to pick up and go when you have no dependents, but you do. 

By the way, if you have educational certificates, please secure them! I had to contact my foreign university to reissue mine when my bachelor's certificate went missing after DD (my ex denied taking it, but who else could have?). It was time-consuming and expensive to deal with, and you'll need it to get a job. 

My family is mostly Indian too, but are more westernized, so I understand the cultural implications of divorce. One thing to keep in mind is, you cannot live your life for others, or whether they approve or not. Sometimes you can do everything they want, and they will still find something to look down on you for. You must do your best for yourself and your children.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Finding a lawyer sooner rather than later is your best bet. Good luck with the new job


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

He isn't safe to be around the children or your pet. For their sake I would leave. Please don't leave your pet behind.


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## Reluctant Texan (5 mo ago)

hgfrty said:


> Thank you for all your replies, I would like to keep my dog since I have seen him shouting at my dog if he ends up fighting with me, but don't know if it is legally possible to do so. He is angry for no reason multiple times, like he would say that I keep him from meeting his friends and have night outs. But he never makes any plans with me and always states the same reason that he doesn't have money. And when I ask him how he can afford to spend money on himself alone, his reply is that he deserves it and that its never as much as taking family out. I completely fail to understand why is he behaving the way he is [and may if I know that I can understand better if this behavior is reparable or not]. I think he acts out just like his father does. But he should know better. He is never grateful for what we have. I have tried talking to his parents and sister but realized its futile since they always take his side. My parents think divorce is a taboo and we don't have extended family in this country [USA, New Jersey to be exact] who can help me with the kids. I feel stuck more so because I dont even know of the life will be better without divorce, mean socially since I will be all alone.


you should look into finding some local aid organizations for help dealing with domestic abuse & divorce.

While it doesn't sound like he has physically abused you directly, most of the country has woken up to the fact that punching holes in walls is implied physical abuse, and show's he's capable of it.

Divorce is hard, but easier than dealing with an abusive partner. qu


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

hgfrty said:


> Thank you for all your replies, I would like to keep my dog since I have seen him shouting at my dog if he ends up fighting with me, but don't know if it is legally possible to do so. He is angry for no reason multiple times, like he would say that I keep him from meeting his friends and have night outs. But he never makes any plans with me and always states the same reason that he doesn't have money. And when I ask him how he can afford to spend money on himself alone, his reply is that he deserves it and that its never as much as taking family out. I completely fail to understand why is he behaving the way he is [and may if I know that I can understand better if this behavior is reparable or not]. I think he acts out just like his father does. But he should know better. He is never grateful for what we have. I have tried talking to his parents and sister but realized its futile since they always take his side. My parents think divorce is a taboo and we don't have extended family in this country [USA, New Jersey to be exact] who can help me with the kids. I feel stuck more so because I dont even know of the life will be better without divorce, mean socially since I will be all alone.


So you write a novella all about what an abusive, controlling, LYING POS this abuser is, then you give us a bunch of feeble excuses for why you're going to *continue* doing absolutely NOTHING to improve your standard of life by leaving him.

At one time you were a victim of this ****-heel, you're now a full-fledged volunteer.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

If he keeps asking for a divorce, tell him to go!


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## Reluctant Texan (5 mo ago)

SCDad01 said:


> If he keeps asking for a divorce, tell him to go!


Yeah, that's always the best response to an abusive or manipulative person's demands... "okay then do that. I'm not stopping you."

They never take it well, but at least they usually shut up after that. 

Similarly, I'd call them on out on their abusive/insulting rants... like "_Okay, if I'm really such a terrible husband/partner, and all those things you're saying are true, WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?_"


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