# The Lure of the Revenge Affair



## aaroncj (Nov 10, 2011)

It's been over 7 months since I found out about my wife's long-term, long distance EA with a former boyfriend. We have been making lots of progress, though still have a long way to go. I am much better in many ways, but still find it difficult to avoid thinking about the things she said to the OM about her desire for him. These thoughts are coupled with the fact that while she is loving with me and we are more intimate, more often than before, I don't feel that my wife "lusts" after me like she seemed to want the OM. I know that some of that is due to our being together nearly 30 years and some of it is due to reality versus fantasy, but I can't help but miss that feeling of passion and desire. 

I have taken steps to make myself stronger physically and emotionally, and we are doing things together to help build intimacy in other ways, but the feeling that she wanted him physically, but doesn't seem to have that same lust for me is still in the back of my mind. 

Though I don't really want to pursue one and, frankly, am not even sure how I would, the idea of an affair, where someone wants me in that way, is pretty appealing. I've had opportunities in the past that I didn't pursue, so I think it's not out of the question that I could have one if I really wanted to.

I guess I am just interested in hearing from others who struggled with this feeling as well and from those who may have succumbed to having a revenge affair. If you considered one but didn't do it, what happened? How were you able to resist? Did you tell your WS? If so, how did he/she react?

If you gave in and had a revenge affair, same questions. 

And, before I get bombarded with posts about two wrongs don't make a right, I know that. I also know that there are things I/we can do to raise the temperature on our relationship--and I/we are doing many of those things. I also know that a revenge affair is just another attempt at seeking outside validation--but, when it comes to sexual desirability, that is an area where external validation is kinda important, if you know what I mean.

I am not seeking a rationale for having a revenge affair. I am more interested in the feelings/motivations /outcomes more than anything. 

Thanks in advance for your thoughts.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

Affairs are not acceptable, no matter what the excuse.

Even in revenge. I don't want to be with a cheater ever, even if they did it in revenge. All that does is lower yourself to the cheater's level, and then you would have become no better than them.

I had a date with someone that admitted the only time they cheated was in revenge. I didn't pursue the relationship further.

Don't lower yourself to that level and become someone with an undesirable characteristic.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

I struggled with that idea for a good while, but it was of greater importance to me that I kept both my integrity and a position of strength for my children.
I'd have hated to see what it would have done to them should dad have cheated too.
No, it's was more important to be seen as 'doing right'.
I'd only have regretted it anyway to be honest and I didn't want to taint myself with that kind of paint.


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## aaroncj (Nov 10, 2011)

Thanks to both of you for your thoughts. I apologize for not being very clear in my original post. I am not really looking to have a revenge affair as much as I am trying to understand why one is so appealing. For me, I would seek a revenge affair to help (re)validate that I am a desirable sexual partner--in a way that is more than being desired for being a good husband and father. I want to feel confident that I still have "it," whatever it is. Maybe what Austin Powers calls his "mojo." I would look for a revenge affair to remind me that I am not locked into my relationship with my wife, except by choice and commitment. I'd have other options if the relationship ended in divorce. I would see a revenge affair as one way to demonstrate to my wife that she is lucky to have me. And, I'd see the revenge affair as one way to "get back" at her and maybe make her feel some of the pain she has caused me.

None of these are justifications for making the mistake of having a revenge affair. I'm just struggling a bit more than I'd like to regain my self confidence. I find myself questioning whether she is with me out of guilt, habit, comfort, or because of the commitment she made. Does she sleep with me because she's supposed to? Because I want her to? Or, does she desire me sexually? If I ask her, I know she will tell me yes. But she has never, except in our early pre-marriage relationship, expressed for me the kind of sensuality and desire that she expressed to the OM. Am I wrong to want/expect that at this stage of our relationship? Is wanting that kind of feeling the same sort of thinking that got my wife into her EA?


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

Numb-badger said:


> I struggled with that idea for a good while, but it was of greater importance to me that I kept both my integrity and a position of strength for my children.


Eggs-zactly. Well said.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I hear you. 

Shortly after D-day, I was testing the waters of whether to stay or leave my WS. I felt like you in that where is the freaken passion you had for the OM. I can't say why I did this (our minds are so messed up), but I talked to her older brother about this and he said tell her to get passion for you or else you are leaving. LOL, here I am getting all this advice from her family. This was driving me nuts. So I told her. I said to my WS, you have this weekend to put passion back into our marriage or else I am leaving. I told her I do not want her to fake it because I will know and it better last for the rest of our marriage. She said to me she does not know whether she can do it or not. I said, I understand, but that is my bottom line. passion by the weekend or no more husband.

Keep in mind that I was throughly and completely messed up mentally and emotionally. But, my demand worked for me. She became very passionate and has remained so since and all I can say is she is not faking it.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

I'm vandictive,

I would want my pound of flesh!

I would make it a term in the condition of taking her back.

we can reconcile if I get to taste some strange or no deal.

not saying its the right thing for anyone else but it would be for me.

Just don't thingk I could every forgive unless it went down this way.


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## aaroncj (Nov 10, 2011)

Thanks, Thorburn, for your comments. Isn't it amazing how we can be so messed up so completely by situations like this? My wife's EA has me second-guessing nearly every aspect of our relationship. I still go though days where I wake up ready to leave and go to sleep ready to be more committed to her than ever. I thought that by this time things would be evening out more than they have. 

I am glad things are working for you and wish you continued success in your relationship. 

Chillymorn, I understand your emotion but my motivations for having a revenge affair would be more about reclaiming my confidence than about being vindictive (though I'll admit that being vindictive also has its appeal some days).


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

Does the former boyfriend have either a wife or girlfriend? Is she cute?


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

You feel like you're second best, someone she settled for and so it's understandable to search for someone who'd prioritize you in the same way your wife did with her ex through the EA. 

To be honest (not talking about you here) it's sad that one has to look for a woman on the side to feel that sense of desire when that feeling should be emanating primarily from the woman you have at home. I mean, isn't that the intention of marriage? to be someone's one and only? I think your feelings are totally understandable and the mental scars aren't going to go away any time soon. I think part of your reconciliation process should involve your wife being much more proactive in showing her desire for you and you should definitely convey to her what you've written here, especially about the revenge affair and feeling of desire you'd get from it, that should jolt her up a bit.


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## aaroncj (Nov 10, 2011)

Exactly what I feel, Complexity. I am not even sure if it would matter if she knew about the revenge affair or not--it would be more about reaffirming my own feelings of being a desirable sexual partner. I know I should be trying to reclaim that feeling on my own, but it's hard not to want someone else to express it.


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## dingerdad (Nov 23, 2011)

Numb-badger said:


> I struggled with that idea for a good while, but it was of greater importance to me that I kept both my integrity and a position of strength for my children.
> I'd have hated to see what it would have done to them should dad have cheated too.
> No, it's was more important to be seen as 'doing right'.
> I'd only have regretted it anyway to be honest and I didn't want to taint myself with that kind of paint.


I agree 100%. This is the exact answer I would have given. I'm better and stronger than cheaters. Also cocaine has a certain appeal but I know what it would do to me in the long run.


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## freeride376 (May 13, 2015)

This post helped me so much. I think the most important part of this is being understood. I hate getting advise from someone that hasn't been there before. If you haven't been completely betrayed by your wife do not give me advice. Aaroncj thank you so much for this post. I just feel better after reading it. I get you brother!


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