# Going to need support: Wife cheated, starting 180



## inabadway

Been reading this board for the last week or so. Yet another story of wife cheated and I found out. This thread is a little different as I am implementing the advice from other threads and need a place to get reassurance and advice during the hard road ahead.

Here's the story:
Married 17 years, 2 kids - 15 & 13. Had our ups and downs like everyone and were currently in a down cycle.

1-19-13: I was suspecting something was up with my wife as she had been texting like crazy over the past few months. When I asked her why she said it was due to her starting a new job and that was how they always communicated. I finally had to know and checked her phone. I came to one stating " I wish I could be with you and we could cuddle right now." I was destroyed and could not go any further. In hindsite I wish I had documented everything then and there, maybe not read them right way, but document them.

Instead, I immediately marched upstairs and confronted her. She did not deny it and said it had been going on for about a month. Her sister was in town and she, my wife and our 2 children left the house. I deactivated her cell phone to stop contact with the OM.

The OM is married with 2 children. I know them as we had gone on a few double dates but did not have the OMW contact information so I found her on Facebook and told her to call me ASAP.

1-20-13: I turned her cell phone back on as she was leaving on a business trip in the afternoon and needed it. I texted her telling her it was back on and asked if she wanted to talk - she did not. I did not respond. The OM's wife called and I told her about the affair. She dropped the phone and hung up. Later that evening she called and told me she kicked him out after a huge fight where one of their daughters actually punched him in the face. BTW, the kids are back at home after her sister dropped them off. Also, the OM's wife exposes the affair to the swim team where they both met.

1-21-13: Sent the 'It's all my fault, I'll change, please come back letter'. The wrong thing to do but I had not discovered these forums yet. No response. 

1-22-13: She was returning from her trip and I had hopes to talk to her that night. Instead I receive an email stating she will not be staying at our house. I decided "Fine, make her realize her actions have consequences." and changed the locks, zeroed out and changed the garage code. I also sent my exposure letter to our family and friends.

1-23-13: She picks up the kids for school and they must have told her I changed the locks. She was leaving the next day on another business trip and needed more clothes. It just happened that way. She called stating she needed to pick up her clothes. I told her she could pick them up after 6:00 when I get home from work. 6:00 rolls around and I get a call from here sister saying she will not be picking up her clothes.

1-24-13: I decided to check phone records to find out when the affair had begun. I was disgusted at what I found; it had started back in late June - that's when the texting went sky high. The 1 month must have been the PA. I send her an email stating I know when it started and was disgusted with her for taking my support of her job and her doing this with it. I said it was her and only her that tore apart the marriage. I also said it was my last communication. I was not able to do it yet. More to come on that.

1-25-13: I sent her an email asking that she not make plans for the kids without consulting me and that I assumed I would be taking over all parenting responsibilities. I was going to a hockey game and needed to work out driving arrangements for my son. I finally called another parent and found out she had organized a sleepover for him. She responded stating the kids would be staying with both of us while we go through this. Initially I said no, they need a familiar place right now. She said she was staying at her mothers house. I agreed with one stipulation - he not be there. She agreed. I went to the hockey game and while there received an email asking if she could stop over the next morning to pick up some clothes. I responded saying the door was unlocked and she could get them tonight. When I got home from the hockey game, her clothes were gone.

1-26-13:We had an event where we both needed to attend. I talked to her for a few minutes stating she is welcome home anytime as long as she broke off the affair. She said she did not want to come home so I gave her the consequences letter and left. The consequences letter was basically I still love her and know we both screwed up but I'm willing to give it another try. We cannot move forward while the OM is in the picture. She must stop seeing him and break all contact. Until then, there will be NC between us.

1-30-13: I'm being good about NC. Nothing. I receive an email from her stating she read my letter and understands this is hard for me but she is in a different place and has been for a long time. She is moving forward with the divorce and I will be getting served later in the week. I respond stating I understand and agree with moving forward with the divorce. Her actions have caused a lot of pain and suffering and I would have my attorney review them when I recieve them. I thanked her for the heads up. In the evening her sister called and asked if they could stop over to pick up a few more things. I agreed but said I would be home. I wanted to show her that I was OK with things and project self confidence. I spent a few minutes talking with the kids, helped her sister carry out a couple of boxes, and really didn't say much to her. I think I pulled it off.

Now to today. I am doing the 180. I know I slipped a few times but that was before I read more. I have gone to the doctor for a prescription for Chantix (Stop smoking pill) and will be quitting while she is gone. The last time I did it I lasted for about 2 months before I asked my wife for a cigerette. With her out of the house I can't do that. I'm working on me.

It's still too recent for me not to hope for a reconcile but upon alot of reflection on our marriage and her I am starting to get the feeling that this really may be for the best. I'm not there yet but I'm trying to be strong and will stick to it. Eventually my actions will become my feelings.

I'm meeting with my attorney on Friday and will move forward with the divorce as I know it's what I have to do. I currently don't like the idea but know by doing the 180 I will eventually be OK with it. Since she is moving forward I can't allow myself to show otherwise.

Whew! That turned out to be a lot but I wanted to get it all out there. I'm committed to the 180 and know I slipped up but am now willing to do what it takes. If that means divorce and losing her forever...well that's what needs to happen. I know my writing does not show I'm doing the 180 yet, but my actions to her does. I've taken all her pictures down, removed her from my contacts and am slowly coming to realize that I may be better without her. It will take time and I know but I'm willing to go through the actions until my feelings catch up.

I started this thread for some support and advice. I know it will be hard but I need to do it for me. Also, I will likely need that 'kick-in-the-axx' when I have a weak moment, which I likely will have. I will probably need to be reminded this is for me, not at a chance to reconcile.


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## LetDownNTX

You will definitely get the kick in the arse around here, if you need it! LOL

Im sorry you are here. It sounds like your wife just doesnt care about the marriage anymore. Maybe it hasnt been a reality to her. What is the status of the OM and his W? Do you still have contact with her? If he's kicked out and she's not living at home they are likley living it up...for now. Once reality sets in they will see things differently.

Stay strong and when you feel like contacting her, post here...that will help! The 180 is hard in the beginning but it all gets easier with time!


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## tom67

I hope you have exposed to family and friends and find out if om has a gf or w and expose that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Aunt Ava

Your kids are old enough to be told the truth about their mothers affair, if they don't already know. Not in a sordid manner, just the simple unvarnished truth. Especially, before your wife confuses them with her fog babble. They deserve to know why their family has been destroyed, and to know the new guy in mom's life is partially responsible as well.


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## inabadway

LetDownNXT - I was going to call the OM's W last night but got tied up in a book and by the time I looked up it was after 10PM. Too late to call.

Whether they are together or not. I'm not going to play the 'what if' game on that. I can't change it so I'm not going to wonder and dwell. I doubt they are together this week as it was my WS's birthday on 1/29 so I agreed that the kids could start the one week on a one week off with her(as long as he wasn't there). I asked the kids and they said it made sense to be with her on her Bday.


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## inabadway

The affair has been exposed on both sides to family and friends. I've received some very good support from these people. Her family is siding with her which I understand - blood is thinker than water.

She spoke with the kids the night of D-day and I the next day. Not sordid. The way my son put it "She went on a date with another man." I did call it an affair and told them that she really messed up. I think that's enough - they don't need to know the details.


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## Toffer

Considering how long you've had to process all this, you're doing a great job!

Don't worry about the past slips ups. It happens!

Keep working on yourself for the next woman who comes along who will love you and only you

Good luck on this difficult journey


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## tom67

I think you did pretty darn good also take care of you and the kids.


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## JCD

Remember that the 180 is about emotionally detaching from her, not a cure all for fixing the marriage.

She has, as far as I can tell, been consistant on her message. She wants out. She REALLY feels this way. Don't tell her she doesn't. So your marriage SO FAR is over. She can, of course, change her mind, but you are not going to change if for her.

Please cut her off from your funds. That will all play out in the divorce proceedings, but do not allow her to run up cash advances, lots of purchases, etc. 

Marriage is a number of 'comforts' and benefits given to the spouse. Cell phones, insurance rates, the expectation of babysitting, accessibility of chores etc.

So start to cut these benefits out. You may think this is peevish and immature...or at least some people will. However, you have been told that you are not worth being with (her opinion, not mine). How much time, money and resources are you going to waste on such a person? Yes, she's the 'mother of my children' but that's a quirk of biology. It doesn't make her a good person or one who is 'owed' anything besides common courtesy. She has made herself a stranger to you by choice. Have her accept the consequences of her choices.


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## tom67

Cancel joint credit cards and bank accounts asap.


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## Ovid

You're doing everything right. 

Unfortunately it sounds like either
1. You caught onto the A after she had already emotionally disconnected from you or
2. She and the OM are still running around together.

If it's 1 there is a chance she will try to come back later after she realizes what she has given up. There is an equal chance she will not.

If it's 2 she will probably try to come back after she has been forced to deal with reality with the OM and the fantasy they have together is destroyed.

I don't know the other variables in your situation, but if you don't already now is a good time to start weight training, getting better clothes and pick up a hobby. Things that will help build up your confidence and self worth, as well as make you more attractive to the opposite sex for the confidence boost that brings.


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## theroad

inabadway said:


> LetDownNXT - I was going to call the OM's W last night but got tied up in a book and by the time I looked up it was after 10PM. Too late to call.
> 
> Whether they are together or not. I'm not going to play the 'what if' game on that. I can't change it so I'm not going to wonder and dwell. I doubt they are together this week as it was my WS's birthday on 1/29 so I agreed that the kids could start the one week on a one week off with her(as long as he wasn't there). I asked the kids and they said it made sense to be with her on her Bday.


If you have not told the OMW about the affair you have not done a worth while exposure.


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## Ovid

theroad said:


> If you have not told the OMW about the affair you have not done a worth while exposure.


He told her straight away. It was a good exposure. The best I've seen in some time.


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## doc_martin

I would agree, the plan A for you is to protect yourself and give yourself time to see if what she has done/is doing is even salvagable and worth salvaging. 

I think you are doing a great job so far. Had I the balls to do what you have done so far at the beginning, I may have been able to save my marriage. 

Good luck! Keep posting...


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## warlock07

Is the OM a work colleague ? Expose him at work if you can.

The thing with her family siding with her, she was building the groundwork for some time. She was badmouthing you to them and telling them how abusive you are to her and the kids through out the marriage.

And stop being civil with her. No soul searching talks. Be terse and firm and only talk what you absolutely have to.


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## the guy

It looks like you hit all the bases, a confident confrontation, exposure and swift consequences.

Now dust your self off, commit to letting her go and limit your engagement with her. (it only takes you back to square one) This detattachment will help protect you emotionally.

Its only been a week or so since you confronted her so the both of you are still absorbing all of this.

You are 100% correct until she commits to NC with OM then the Marriage is over. Now you wait for this to happen......

The affair is no longer protected by the dark of night, the excitement is gone and now, the both of them are trying to pick up the pieces, do there damage control and regroup. What they will soon find out that it was all a fantasy and the affair will fall apart.

Or

Your wife has been in a double life and as long as she occupies her time with her business trip guys she will have no need for the OM (make no mistake this affair will fall apart), and the women you once knew is gone for ever, filling a unhealthy void of man after man.


One thing you do have and thats the ability to not let her define you and letting her go was good for you, now your WW has to see that being let go won't be good for her!


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## Acoa

What a horrible week for you. You've handled it admirably. It's near impossible to get it all right, but you got it alright. 

Stay strong.


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## ArmyofJuan

Well if it’s in consolation, odds are she’ll be lucky if she last 6 months with the OM now that the A in in the open. Being that the OMW kicked him that’s going to mess up his head (even if he wanted out of the M, being rejected is always hard to deal with) which is one more monkey wrench in the relationship. There’s a good chance in a couple of months or so either your W or the OM will try to go back home.

Stay the course and if anything let her know R is off the table. Being her backup plan (if the A fails) lets her explore that option with little risk. You take that safety net away from her (you) then she has to gamble everything on the OM. The odds are stacked against her.


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## inabadway

Ovid said:


> He told her straight away. It was a good exposure. The best I've seen in some time.


Yes, the OMW contacted me the next morning after I sent her a private message on Facebook. It was hard. My exact words were "There is no good way to say it so I'm just going to say it. Your husband and my wife are having an affair.". I heard "Oh my God...", thunk (she dropped the phone) and then hung up.

My WW had asked I don't tell the OMW via text as it "does not concern her, this is between the two of us". I told her that "had it been an EA I may have considered it, but since it was recently physical the OMW had to know."

My WW has completely detached. Whether it's due to the fog or not, I don't know. Currently, I care, but hopefully with time I won't. That's why I'm here.

Reading has helped a ton to sort out my thoughts. I'm an avid reader and had gobbled up 7-8 books ranging from:


DiVorce Busting: A Step by step Approach to Making Your Marriage Loving Again
What to do when your Spouse Cheats: Take Practical Steps to Survive
Women's Infidelity I & II
After the Affair

to name a few. 

Regarding me. I stared the stop smoking program and teeth whitening. I've also distracted myself with house chores to keep my mind off things. Patched a ceiling that had water damage, cleaned out a couple of junk closets, painted one of our storage closets. 

I'm not overweight - 6' - 175lbs but am not toned. Lifting is a good idea. I live in Minnesota and was lucky that the day after it happened we had 3 inches of snow. Rather than break out the snowblower I hand shoveled the entire driveway...I'd say it's 150' long and 10' wide plus the garage pad. It felt good. 

I think I'm doing the right things. Will just need support and guidance as the days go by.


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## awake1

Sounds like it's time to move on, im sorry to say. Her message is she wants out and couldn't give a whit about anyone but herself. You can do better.


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## tom67

Me xw did the same thing moved with om, it lasted all of a year. For her family to be supporting her she must be really demonizing you eh doesn't matter they will both find out that the fantasy is over and real life problems come back. Start working out and in a few months you will be surprised how many women will approach you, it gets better. Easy on the alcohol.


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## inabadway

tom67 said:


> Me xw did the same thing moved with om, it lasted all of a year. For her family to be supporting her she must be really demonizing you eh doesn't matter they will both find out that the fantasy is over and real life problems come back. Start working out and in a few months you will be surprised how many women will approach you, it gets better. Easy on the alcohol.


Good advice on the alcohol. I did slip one night...well not slip, it was on purpose. After the first 4 days and a total of 2 hours sleep I needed not to be awake. Picked up a 12 pack and got through 10. Finished the other 2 three days later and haven't touched anything since.

Edit: The kids weren't in the house the night I drank. A friend offered to take them for the night so I had some time to think.


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## Ovid

inabadway said:


> My WW had asked I don't tell the OMW via text as it "does not concern her, this is between the two of us". I told her that "had it been an EA I may have considered it, but since it was recently physical the OMW had to know."


She was trying to protect OM which demonstrates she is well into the A.

I wouldn't worry about a 12 pack. After my Dday I went through several litres of 80 proof rum. Just have to do it at appropriate times and know when to stop. Sounds like you have that covered too.


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## Ovid

ArmyofJuan said:


> Stay the course and if anything let her know R is off the table. Being her backup plan (if the A fails) lets her explore that option with little risk. You take that safety net away from her (you) then she has to gamble everything on the OM. The odds are stacked against her.


This is dead on. Take R off the table so that any feeling of having a safety net is removed. Also if you are paying for anything of hers, like her phone stop. Your goal is to remove yourself from her in every way you can, and only maintain contact for legal obligations like the children.


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## inabadway

Ovid said:


> She was trying to protect OM which demonstrates she is well into the A.


Good observation, Ovid. I hadn't thought of that. The EA started in June as far as I can tell.

After she returned from her business trips (1/25)I shut off her phone. I may have been nice on that but her job means alot to her so I waited. 2 wrongs don't make a right in my book. We kept our finances pretty seperate so there wasn't much there.


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## Ovid

inabadway said:


> Good observation, Ovid. I hadn't thought of that. The EA started in June as far as I can tell.
> 
> After she returned from her business trips (1/25)I shut off her phone. I may have been nice on that but her job means alot to her so I waited. 2 wrongs don't make a right in my book. We kept our finances pretty seperate so there wasn't much there.


Just make sure she knows:
1. R is off the table. If you ever do decide to put it back on the table make sure she does something to earn the chance at R.
2. The next time she wants her phone she will need to take care of it. She has seperated herself from you so she is no longer your responcibility.


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## Ovid

inabadway said:


> Good observation, Ovid. I hadn't thought of that. The EA started in June as far as I can tell.


The real stickler is she was trying to protect OM from his W finding about the A. That's about as foggy as you can get. It shows she was concerned that the OMW finding out may jeopardize their A, and that maintaining the A is your WW top priority. 

You should be doing all you can to protect yourself emotionally at this point.


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## tom67

Keep in touch with the omw and share information. That was nice that his d punched him that pos.


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## inabadway

Ovid said:


> Just make sure she knows:
> 1. R is off the table. If you ever do decide to put it back on the table make sure she does something to earn the chance at R.
> 2. The next time she wants her phone she will need to take care of it. She has seperated herself from you so she is no longer your responcibility.


She knows. When her sister texted last night to make sure I wasn't there when they came to pick up more stuff, I responded (knowing she would show my WW) "I'll be here but will not get in your way. I decided there is nothing I can do or say to change her mind so I'm moving on."


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## inabadway

tom67 said:


> Keep in touch with the omw and share information. That was nice that his d punched him that pos.


I'm going to call and check on her tonight. I thought the punch was a nice touch too. She even said they knocked out his head and tail lights with a golf club. Wow!


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## Ovid

inabadway said:


> She knows. When her sister texted last night to make sure I wasn't there when they came to pick up more stuff, I responded (knowing she would show my WW) "I'll be here but will not get in your way. I decided there is nothing I can do or say to change her mind so I'm moving on."


Maybe a little more clear, like "I have decided that offering to reconcile was a mistake. After all of this, there is no longer any way I could ever consider it."


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## donny64

Resist any temptation to indicate to her you want her back. Treat her with complete indiffernce now. To do otherwise will only encourage her to keep up the affair. She can't feel the loss if she hasn't lost you. 

Right now, immediately, start working out. 

Take some time and get your head on straight. Start making plans and taking actions now for your future life without her. By doing so now, once the heartbreak over all this is largely past you, you'll be "hitting the ground running" when you decide to start dating again. 

Do not tell her where you're at, who you're with, or what you're up to. Go completely "black" on her except where discussions of the kids are concerned. 

File for divorce and primary custody. Focus on you and your kids for now. 

Do all of this, and my bet is she'll come crawling back in 6 months or less. My bet is also that when that happens, you won't be so receptive to reconcilliation any more.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkonmars

check with the HR at their job. Find out if there is a non-frat policy. You don't have to act on it but the threat of it (if such a policy exists) can be used as leverage in divorce negotiations.


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## inabadway

walkonmars said:


> check with the HR at their job. Find out if there is a non-frat policy. You don't have to act on it but the threat of it (if such a policy exists) can be used as leverage in divorce negotiations.


They do not work together. Good thought tho'.


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## tom67

inabadway said:


> I'm going to call and check on her tonight. I thought the punch was a nice touch too. She even said they knocked out his head and tail lights with a golf club. Wow!


Whoa! Going Tiger Woods on him:lol::rofl:


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## DavidWYoung

You read "Women's Infidelity I & II " WOW! That took me six months!
I think that you are doing GREAT, alot better than I did. Keep us posted on what is going on in your life! David


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## cj9947

inabadway,
I am very impressed with your handling of the situation. Stay strong and remember to stick to your guns when the moments of doubt come. Please learn from my early on mistakes and do NOT take your eyes off her "fog" if she tries to come along.


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## walkonmars

So the OM was a casual acquaintance of you and your wife? How do you suppose they got so close?


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## tom67

walkonmars said:


> So the OM was a casual acquaintance of you and your wife? How do you suppose they got so close?


I love how they always think the grass is greener, now om has his kids hating him hope it was worth it NOT!


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## Count of Monte Cristo

tom67 said:


> Whoa! Going Tiger Woods on him:lol::rofl:


More like Elin Woods.


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## inabadway

DavidWYoung said:


> You read "Women's Infidelity I & II " WOW! That took me six months!
> I think that you are doing GREAT, alot better than I did. Keep us posted on what is going on in your life! David


Like I said, I'm a reader. Reading those, coupled with a FAQ I found on on surviving infidelity, really helped me cope and understand. Prior to that I kept running over "What did I do wrong?", "How could I have changed it?" no matter how much I tried to tell myself that it wasn't my fault.

This is all conjecture on my part but it all makes sense now. What I read through those books and the FAQ (more this than the books)was that WS's often times have very low self-esteem. No matter how much praise they get, they always want more. When I had gone back to look at when the EA started I pinpointed it to when my WS and I were both out of town; she in MD for training for her new job she started and I in CO training for a new business I was about to open. A few months prior to that she had sold her share of a business she owned and had just landed this great, new job. I was very proud of her and we spent a lot of time talking about our new adventures. During our brief texts the day after D-day she even mentioned this was a wonderful time.

The thing is I remember her saying to me a few times that it bothered her that whenever we went out with friends they always wanted to talk about my business more than her new job. She needed the validation. 

It also explained why she was a high-functioning alcoholic, something that had bothered me for a long time. In my mind the low self-esteem explains why she drinks . I'd tried to help her a number of times but she would have none of it. That's a separate issue but I wanted to bring it up since it contributed to my "AHA!" moment and to the realization that I had been in a 'fog' of my own and somewhat in denial.

After that I was allowed to forgive myself and take an objective look at the relationship. I found a lot of good, but I also found a lot of bad. And with my new-found knowledge I was able to honestly say "It's not my fault!" and move on to the next phase of healing more quickly than I expected.


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## inabadway

walkonmars said:


> So the OM was a casual acquaintance of you and your wife? How do you suppose they got so close?


They are on the same masters swim team. Masters is where adults get up very early in the morning to swim way more laps in a pool than one should ever swim at one time. She's always loved swimming and I encouraged her to attend whenever she wanted.


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## bandit.45

inabadway said:


> They are on the same masters swim team. Masters is where adults get up very early in the morning to swim way more laps in a pool than one should ever swim at one time. She's always loved swimming and I encouraged her to attend whenever she wanted.


Isn't it amazing how encouraging your spouse to expand their horizons always seems to come around and bite you in the ass?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acabado

I'd like to know what's the next move OM is going to make. For now it's obvious your wife believes they will run off the sunset. If she feared exposure and was trying to protect him it's becasue he didn't want to divorce.
Unless BW is determined to divorce his ass I fear it's not the end. If BW doesn't close the door permanently OM will try his way back to the marriage.
Reality is still about to hit him hard, finances, reputation...
Most of the times WW are more willing to destroy their marriages (an others) than MOMs.


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## walkonmars

Acabado said:


> I'd like to know what's the next move OM is going to make. For now it's obvious your wife believes they will run off the sunset. If she feared exposure and was trying to protect him it's becasue he didn't want to divorce.
> Unless BW is determined to divorce his ass I fear it's not the end.* If BW doesn't close the door permanently OM will try his way back to the marriage.
> Reality is still about to hit him hard, finances, reputation...
> Most of the times WW are more willing to destroy their marriages (an others) than MOMs.*


The bold part will be the impetus that brings your wife back to _"give you another chance if you promise to keep your word and change your ways"_


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## Acabado

Send BW to SurvivingInfidelity.


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## inabadway

Called BW to see how she was doing. She said she was fine, sounded sad, but had a friend over so we didn't talk long. She mentioned she is focusing on herself and her kids right now. She said her heart jumped when she saw my name come up on her phone; not because of anything to do with me, but it brings the memories rushing back.

She texted a few minutes later saying "it's way to painful to hear a single word ever about WS and WH or any combination." She said she's glad I'm feeling better and wished me peace and healing. I texted back that I understood and hopefully one day we'll be whole enough to talk. Until then, if she needs something to call me.

She'll be fine.


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## AlphaHalf

> I'd like to know what's the next move OM is going to make. For now it's obvious your wife believes they will run off the sunset. If she feared exposure and was trying to protect him it's becasue he didn't want to divorce.
> Unless BW is determined to divorce his ass I fear it's not the end. If BW doesn't close the door permanently OM will try his way back to the marriage.
> Reality is still about to hit him hard, finances, reputation...
> Most of the times WW are more willing to destroy their marriages (an others) than MOMs.


Bottom Line, F$%k the OM and his issues. He is dealing with the consequences of his actions for sticking his business where it doesn't belong. Same goes for WW.


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## bryanp

You are doing a great. I would also suggest that you may wish to consider getting tested for STD's. Good luck.


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## spudster

You're doing good friend. Keep heading the direction you are going. I can almost guarante that in a month or so she will come back to you begging for forgiveness. And by that time you will have detached and moved on. That's what often happens.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JCD

It's nice to read a post about someone who did everything mostly right.

The problem is that they seldom stay long because their pain and suffering is shorter and they move on quicker and with less emotional damage.

Please take note of that posters who have had several hundred page threads. It can be done and it can be done quickly. Foot dragging isn't sympathetic.

OP, you rock.


----------



## inabadway

Here's where I need some help. I don't want to put the kids in the middle but here's what just happened.

WW emailed me - I will copy/paste.

BS,

I'll try to get our February calendar in Google as that is what my lawyer said the courts eventually recommend. I wanted to get the next two weeks laid out sooner than later so we can all get on the same page. I travel a week from Sunday so we are wondering if the following works to help even out the next two weeks:


Kids stay here until Tuesday, February 6th (3 extra nights this week in exchange for 4 extra the following week) they will be dropped of at home after practice
I get back late Wednesday, February 13th and can pick them up after practice on the 14th to then stay with me until Sunday, February 17th (I'll drop them off late afternoon or after dinner, whichever they prefer). Monday, February 18th is President's Day and the kids don't have school. 

Son is thinking switching on Sundays is the best unless travel gets in the way. 

Let us know if this works for you.
WS


My response - again copy/paste:

WS,

It does not work for me.

The kids will be dropped off on Saturday, February 2 as agreed upon. I will then drop them off, or you can pick them up February 14. They can stay with you until 2/16 and we can resume our normal schedule.

BH


The right thing to do?


----------



## inabadway

JCD said:


> It's nice to read a post about someone who did everything mostly right.
> 
> The problem is that they seldom stay long because their pain and suffering is shorter and they move on quicker and with less emotional damage.
> 
> Please take note of that posters who have had several hundred page threads. It can be done and it can be done quickly. Foot dragging isn't sympathetic.
> 
> OP, you rock.


Thanks. It hurts a ton but I know it's what I have to do.

Edit: Had to change my post after re-reading yours. You said "they seldom stay for long...." Again, it still hurts...alot. But I know what I have to do. I love her dearly, or at least what she used to be. I just can't be a part of what she is now.


----------



## JustPuzzled

inabadway said:


> Thanks. It hurts a ton but I know it's what I have to do.
> 
> Edit: Had to change my post after re-reading yours. You said "they seldom stay for long...." Again, it still hurts...alot. But I know what I have to do. I love her dearly, or at least what she used to be. I just can't be a part of what she is now.


OP (badway): Just stepping in here. I believe that "seldom stay for long" applied to strong people like yourself and their involvement in this forum. Not tom WSs. Did I read your interpretation correctly?

Posters who get things sorted out (however that looks) tend to stop posting i.e. they seldom stay.

Use what you can from this forum and, if you can, stay to help others with your experience.


----------



## walkonmars

inabadway said:


> Here's where I need some help. I don't want to put the kids in the middle but here's what just happened.
> 
> WW emailed me - I will copy/paste.
> 
> BS,
> 
> I'll try to get our February calendar in Google as that is what my lawyer said the courts eventually recommend. I wanted to get the next two weeks laid out sooner than later so we can all get on the same page. I travel a week from Sunday so we are wondering if the following works to help even out the next two weeks:
> 
> 
> Kids stay here until Tuesday, February 6th (3 extra nights this week in exchange for 4 extra the following week) they will be dropped of at home after practice
> I get back late Wednesday, February 13th and can pick them up after practice on the 14th to then stay with me until Sunday, February 17th (I'll drop them off late afternoon or after dinner, whichever they prefer). Monday, February 18th is President's Day and the kids don't have school.
> 
> Son is thinking switching on Sundays is the best unless travel gets in the way.
> 
> Let us know if this works for you.
> WS
> 
> 
> My response - again copy/paste:
> 
> WS,
> 
> It does not work for me.
> 
> The kids will be dropped off on Saturday, February 2 as agreed upon. I will then drop them off, or you can pick them up February 14. They can stay with you until 2/16 and we can resume our normal schedule.
> 
> BH
> 
> 
> The right thing to do?


Abso-frickin-lutly 
She needs to be asking her boss to change her schedule. SHE has responsibilities and you are not her baby sitter.

Please don't establish this habit. For all you know she's planning a long weekend applying cold compresses to you know who's jaw.


----------



## JCD

inabadway said:


> Thanks. It hurts a ton but I know it's what I have to do.
> 
> Edit: Had to change my post after re-reading yours. You said "they seldom stay for long...." Again, it still hurts...alot. But I know what I have to do. I love her dearly, or at least what she used to be. I just can't be a part of what she is now.


Allow me to clarify:

I mean that men and women who hold the line, do the right thing, and pull the bandaid off quickly seldom stay long and we seldom get the whole story.

But that's well and good for you as people. It hurts like hell...like an amputation...but then it's DONE. You get to recover.

It is the people who don't act this way, who try to 'nice' things, or who don't expose, do the 180, who don't emotionally detach who die the death of a thousand cuts.

It's like watching NASCAR. Oh look...a car...making another left turn...the only thing to liven up the experience of their wallowing is the occasional marital crash. But the car still limps along....making another left turn...


----------



## JCD

inabadway said:


> Here's where I need some help. I don't want to put the kids in the middle but here's what just happened.
> 
> 
> My response - again copy/paste:
> 
> WS,
> 
> It does not work for me.
> 
> The kids will be dropped off on Saturday, February 2 as agreed upon. I will then drop them off, or you can pick them up February 14. They can stay with you until 2/16 and we can resume our normal schedule.
> 
> BH
> 
> 
> The right thing to do?



Her schedule is not your problem. She made it not your problem. While you might be more understanding in the future, it sets a precedent.

But I would clarify that you are saying no because it is not convienient for you to change your plans (make plans). This sets up that in the future, when it IS convienient, you might be open to things, and it also keeps the door slightly ajar for cooperation on the kid front.

But this hard line in the sand is necessary for her to know that you are no longer her support structure.


----------



## RAN

inabadway said:


> I'm going to call and check on her tonight. I thought the punch was a nice touch too. She even said they knocked out his head and tail lights with a golf club. Wow!


Instead of knocking out the Lights out, they should have wacked him DOWN UNDER with the Golf Club.


----------



## inabadway

JCD said:


> Allow me to clarify:
> 
> I mean that men and women who hold the line, do the right thing, and pull the bandaid off quickly seldom stay long and we seldom get the whole story.
> 
> But that's well and good for you as people. It hurts like hell...like an amputation...but then it's DONE. You get to recover.
> 
> It is the people who don't act this way, who try to 'nice' things, or who don't expose, do the 180, who don't emotionally detach who die the death of a thousand cuts.
> 
> It's like watching NASCAR. Oh look...a car...making another left turn...the only thing to liven up the experience of their wallowing is the occasional marital crash. But the car still limps along....making another left turn...


I understood your meaning, I was just saying that currently it hurts like heck to be strong. I'm so new to this that I still want to save the marriage and it goes against everything I want to do to continue my actions. I know eventually I will detach. I'm just not there yet.


----------



## tom67

inabadway said:


> I understood your meaning, I was just saying that currently it hurts like heck to be strong. I'm so new to this that I still want to save the marriage and it goes against everything I want to do to continue my actions. I know eventually I will detach. I'm just not there yet.


Maybe she'll come out of it keep on doing what you are doing she just might see the light. POS may go back to his wife.


----------



## inabadway

I need some feedback on a follow up email. I didn't address the question about switching from Saturday switch to Sunday switch. How's this?

_I forgot to address the question regarding switching on Sunday. I have been thinking about this as well since Son has his conference and regionals coming up. This is something you and the children have shared and something I want to continue to encourage.

You may pick them up the morning of Saturday, February 9 to bring them to the meet in [town omitted]. Since you are leaving the following day I expect them to be dropped off that afternoon. I will also allow you to pick them up Saturday, February 23 for his Sections and we can start our Sunday – Sunday from there.

Unfortunately, your schedule is not my responsibility nor concern. This luxury was lost when you made the decision to commit adultery and leave me and this marriage._


----------



## inabadway

Her response:

_BH,

We are still working on details and the goal is for this to be 50/50. I suggested the Saturday - Saturday before I had all the calendar items organized. I appreciate you letting me take them to the swim meets and allowing them to go back and forth on Sundays. Remember where they go is ultimately up to them which is why I copied them on the original email. Would you please reconsider what we sent below and respond to all? Would you please let them stay through this Sunday (go home Sunday afternoon or Monday after practice) so they can be with my sister and her family? 

I appreciate your flexibility as we figure this out.

Regards,

WS_

I find it interesting that in her recent email she keeps refering to herself as 'we'. What does that mean?


----------



## inabadway

And my response:

_WW,

I’ve reconsidered and believe my original plan is the best approach. I need to see our kids as well and this week I have missed them terribly. If your sister and her family want to come over to our house they are always welcome.

I’m sorry your decision to have an affair has become inconvenient for you.

What time should I pick up the kids tomorrow?

BS_


----------



## spudster

What does WE mean?

Her and the trnsmitter that was installed by the Feds in her brain making her do the things she does. 

Who knows? She's going to be disaying a lot of psycho behaviors over the next few months. My advice to you is avoid trying to crawl into her head to try to figure her out. 

She's delusional.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ThreeStrikes

Inabadway,

It seems like D is inevitable. Your situation is similar to mine in that we both have kids involved in competitive activities. I know how much time is involved with that.

My advice, since D is coming, is to not make this a competition between you and your STBXW. It will only be to your children's detriment.

Your wife is gone. However, it seems that you both will co-parent. That is fantastic! For that to work, you both need to be flexible and understanding of each other's schedules. Think of it as tag-teaming. This is for your kids, not you. 

If for some reason your STBXW is unable to spend as much time with the kids because of her work, then be thankful that you will be able to spend more time with them. In a few short years they will be adults, and they will remember and be thankful for your devotion to them.

My STBXW and I had initially attempted a Sunday-to-Sunday , week on week off scenario. But its not that simple. Practices, games, meets, etc put a big monkey wrench in the mix.

So work together to make this transition as easy on the kids as possible.


----------



## warlock07

We as in parents I think...

She is totally oblivious to the pain she is causing you..


----------



## warlock07

inabadway said:


> Her response:
> 
> _BH,
> 
> We are still working on details and the goal is for this to be 50/50. I suggested the Saturday - Saturday before I had all the calendar items organized. I appreciate you letting me take them to the swim meets and allowing them to go back and forth on Sundays. Remember where they go is ultimately up to them which is why I copied them on the original email. Would you please reconsider what we sent below and respond to all? Would you please let them stay through this Sunday (go home Sunday afternoon or Monday after practice) so they can be with my sister and her family?
> 
> I appreciate your flexibility as we figure this out.
> 
> Regards,
> 
> WS_
> 
> I find it interesting that in her recent email she keeps refering to herself as 'we'. What does that mean?



She is CCing the kids so that she can make them take sides with her("Look how is so spiteful and making things difficult for everyone of us. Why can't he move on!!") and blame whatever anger you might express on the breakdown on the marriage. She is playing mind games now


----------



## tom67

warlock07 said:


> She is CCing the kids so that she can make them take sides with her("Look how is so spiteful and making things difficult for everyone of us. Why can't he move on!!") and blame whatever anger you might express on the breakdown on the marriage. She is playing mind games now


Gotta love it she breaks up the family now trying to make the kids side with her? Tell the kids the truth of what happened that mom decided to find a new boyfriend and leave! Wow that makes me mad


----------



## Ovid

Hold the phone!

There's a couple of things that need to be addressed here.

1. Don't keep saying "because you cheated". Yes she did and deserves to hear it, but it makes you come off as bitter, and not as detached so you are effectively not doing the 180 when you do this.
2. Don't fight over her giving you more time with the kids. Let her give you more time with them. She will milk it and expand your time with them more. When you go to court your time with the kids will be divided by how it was in the M and seperation. When you show the judge the amount of time you actually spent with the kids vrs the agreed amount you will win that time. Also you don't want the kids seeing you two fight over who's "stuck" with them. It could result in further emotional scarring for them.


----------



## tom67

You have to stay cold on her and talk kids only. Ovid is right on that you don't that biting you in court. However, say to your kids if asked they are old enough just very matter of fact that mom does not want to live with dad anymore. You can explain more in the coming years as needed jmo.


----------



## inabadway

You're right. I'm not doing the 180 by continuing to remind her. I guess I'm still trying to shock her into waking up. Back to square one.

I still feel justified in the arrangements. I haven't seen my kids in a week and I *really* miss them. It's not my fault she decided to leave and has another trip coming up. I am offering to let her take the swim meets as that is something both she and they enjoy.

The kids were on the original email she sent but were not cc'd on any of them since.


----------



## Ovid

inabadway said:


> You're right. I'm not doing the 180 by continuing to remind her. I guess I'm still trying to shock her into waking up. Back to square one.
> 
> I still feel justified in the arrangements. I haven't seen my kids in a week and I *really* miss them. It's not my fault she decided to leave and has another trip coming up. I am offering to let her take the swim meets as that is something both she and they enjoy.
> 
> The kids were on the original email she sent but were not cc'd on any of them since.


I just think you should try to get as much time as you can with them so that you can show that time in court and get that time with them as a ruling.


----------



## inabadway

I am getting more time, February 10-13. She wants them for extra days this week to make up for when she is gone. I haven't seen them for a week and it's killing me. I am and will continue to be very close to them both.


----------



## Ovid

I think with her trips, and her "seeing you as a baby sitter" she will start giving you more time with them even if she thinks she's taking advantage of you. Let her relax so she does.


----------



## tom67

Look just work out a 50/50 joint custody with her. On the bright side like my d she was 12 when d took place like you. you only have a few more years to deal with her constantly that is. I feel for couples with real young ones geez some of those stories are horrible. Go out with friends when you don't have them. It will take time but you are doing great imo.


----------



## Ovid

You really are doing great. Just need to maintain the focus, which is hard to do under these conditions.


----------



## Machiavelli

inabadway said:


> I am getting more time, February 10-13. She wants them for extra days this week to make up for when she is gone. I haven't seen them for a week and it's killing me. I am and will continue to be very close to them both.


That's why it's a good idea to NOT be flexible. You want the time and if she can't take her time when it's her time, well as the Russians say, "toughski sh1tski."

As to telling the kids, they aren't in preschool, the youngest is 13. In this day and age every 13 year old knows what's meant by blowjob, threesome, 69, and anal. They fully understand adultery. Spell it out if they haven't already figured it out. You're in a battle and shaping the narrative is the equivalent of shaping the battlefield. Hearts and minds equal the commanding terrain. Take the high ground, which most definitely is not always the same as taking the high road. You need to do whatever you need to do to shape the narrative with your kids. The truth is all you need to do that.


----------



## inabadway

Machiavelli said:


> That's why it's a good idea to NOT be flexible. You want the time and if she can't take her time when it's her time, well as the Russians say, "toughski sh1tski."
> 
> As to telling the kids, they aren't in preschool, the youngest is 13. In this day and age every 13 year old knows what's meant by blowjob, threesome, 69, and anal. They fully understand adultery. Spell it out if they haven't already figured it out. You're in a battle and shaping the narrative is the equivalent of shaping the battlefield. Hearts and minds equal the commanding terrain. Take the high ground, which most definitely is not always the same as taking the high road. You need to do whatever you need to do to shape the narrative with your kids. The truth is all you need to do that.


One thing this whole day has taught me is that I do not want to reconcile with this woman. Whoever she is, she is no longer the woman I married. I'll repost the emails when I get home.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## inabadway

Here are the last few emails. I know I was incredibly weak but I guess I don't care about R anymore. Who is this woman? What an incredibly crappy day.

_BH,

Remember the kids have the last say and we need to get to a point where they can be included in these email strings. The kids wanted to switch on Tuesday so that the time is closer to 50/50. Switching on Sunday will be more acceptable than Saturday as it will give them time to pack and spend a little more time with my family at mom’s. It also makes sense given you've agreed to a Sunday switch going forward. My sister will bring the kids to you on Sunday after lunch. My mother does not want you at her house as she is scared of you right now. 

You can have the kids until I return from Philadelphia. Going forward we will need to work through my travel schedule as it is for work which contributes income to this family and the kids understand that. We need to work on being flexible for the kids. I will work on a Google calendar to help with planning unless you'd like to create one. I'll also include you on the carpool schedule for next week. Please let me know if there are evenings you prefer not to drive. 

Regards,

WW 

----------------------------------------------

WW,
I still think I should get them starting on Saturday for two reasons.

1.) I really miss them and want to be with them. 8 days in a row is too long right now.
2.) It makes it closer to 50/50. Here is the breakout from when we made the agreement from now until the end of February:
Jan 26 – Feb 1: WW- 7 days
Feb 2: WW- ½, BH - ½
Feb 3 – 8: BH 6 - days
Feb 9: WW1
Feb 10 – 13: BH – 4
Feb 14: BH – ½, WW - ½
Feb 15: WW – 1
February 16: WW – ½, BH – ½
Feb 17 – 22: BH - 6
Feb: 23 – 28: BH 6

WW: 7 + ½ + 1 + ½ + 1 + ½ + 6 = 16 ½ days
BH: ½ + 6 + 4 + ½ + ½ + 6 = 17 ½ days

Given that I am willing to give you the swim meets as I know this is something that means a lot to all of you I think you should be able to concede this one, small thing. Later, I am willing to be more flexible but right now all I want to do is see my kids.

I’m hurt further that you have somehow vilified me to your mother. I’ve always loved your mother and always treated her with kindness and respect; going over to help her with whatever needed doing, always helping her out of her seat after the knee surgery, whatever was needed.

BH

----------------------------------------------

BH,

I know you really miss them and I'll miss them on my off weeks. They have asked to stay until Sunday and will be really bummed if you make them go back Saturday. If you want to force the issue, please contact them directly. I again appreciate you letting me have the swim meets and will not have them stay overnight after the meets. They will stay with you and I will simply go to the meets, does that make sense. To me that makes it even and doesn't ruffle their feathers. 

I have not vilified you to my mom. She did not appreciate the mass email you sent to our family and friends and doesn't like the last emails you have sent. She also said you tried to call her and that is when she changed her number. She wants to stay out of this and I respect that and hope you can to. 

Regards,

WW

----------------------------------------------
WW,

I see you are unwilling to compromise so please drop the kids off early Sunday morning.

I sent the email in order to expose the affair. An affair grows and thrives on secrecy, I had hoped that exposing it would shine a light onto the horrible thing it truly is in hopes we could we could somehow reconcile and mend our broken marriage. Mending is something that neither you, and now I, want.

I did want to talk with your mother because she has been a part of my life for 20 years and I wanted to talk. Nothing more. I understand that blood is thicker than water but I am saddened that 20 years did not even warrant a phone call.

There is one email that I regret sending where I called you a coward. For that I apologize. I was hurt and emotional. The rest have only contained facts. It's hard to come to terms with the fact that a woman you have loved, supported and trusted for 20 years (almost 18 married); would take that support and trust and engage in an affair at the exact moment I was being my most supportive.

BH

_


----------



## Jasel

inabadway said:


> One thing this whole day has taught me is that I do not want to reconcile with this woman. Whoever she is, she is no longer the woman I married. I'll repost the emails when I get home.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's not just about reconciling though. It's about doing what you need to do to move on without your WS. 

When it comes to detaching and the 180, etc the main goal is to improve your own life. Reconcilation is sometimes a positive side effect but it's not the purpose of either.

I can understand you're upset but the longer you remain bitter against your WW and show it, the harder it's going to be for you to move on. And the harder it's going to be on the your kids and the rest of your family (granted the wife should have thought about this before her affair).


----------



## inabadway

I know. I understand what the 180 is for and was doing it, but my emotions have not caught up to what I want my actions to be.

The hurt is still too raw. I'll get there. I am back to square one after today.


----------



## Machiavelli

inabadway said:


> I know. I understand what the 180 is for and was doing it, but my emotions have not caught up to what I want my actions to be.
> 
> The hurt is still too raw. I'll get there. I am back to square one after today.


Fake it. Be all aloof from here on out. I'm glad you're not buying her BS about how she's only doing it the way the "kids" want it. Are the kids calling you and keeping contact with you every day?

What does your attorney say about all this?

Continue your self improvement program. The single best thing you can do is to get your body into proportion (V torso).


----------



## bandit.45

You just have to muck your way through it...

Don't get discouraged, and don't beat yourself up. Your WW has put you in a horrible position with your kids and her mom. 

Its not fair. Its not. But when is life fair? 

All you can do is see to your own health and well-being. Your wife is headed for a fall. She is too proud to see it, but one day the kids are going to be grown, they are going to learn about love and betrayal in their own lives, and they will come to sympathise with you and they will eventually call her on her misdeeds before the end. 

But now is not the time to be playing them against your WW. I know you have not done this, but make sure you fight the desire to do so.


----------



## inabadway

Machiavelli said:


> Fake it. Be all aloof from here on out. I'm glad you're not buying her BS about how she's only doing it the way the "kids" want it. *Are the kids calling you and keeping contact with you every day?*
> 
> What does your attorney say about all this?
> 
> Continue your self improvement program. The single best thing you can do is to get your body into proportion (V torso).


Every day. I would never put them in the middle which is why I immediately agreed to let them stay one week on, one week off. As long as he was not there.


----------



## Machiavelli

inabadway said:


> Every day. I would never put them in the middle which is why I immediately agreed to let them stay one week on, one week off. As long as he was not there.


Have the kids said anything to you about this staying over extra business?


----------



## Acabado

Will her travels stop after the current training?


----------



## EleGirl

inabadway said:


> Her response:
> 
> _BH,
> 
> We are still working on details and the goal is for this to be 50/50. I suggested the Saturday - Saturday before I had all the calendar items organized. I appreciate you letting me take them to the swim meets and allowing them to go back and forth on Sundays. Remember where they go is ultimately up to them which is why I copied them on the original email. Would you please reconsider what we sent below and respond to all? Would you please let them stay through this Sunday (go home Sunday afternoon or Monday after practice) so they can be with my sister and her family?
> 
> I appreciate your flexibility as we figure this out.
> 
> Regards,
> 
> WS_
> 
> I find it interesting that in her recent email she keeps refering to herself as 'we'. What does that mean?


The "We" in the first paragraph is you and her.


----------



## inabadway

_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EleGirl

inabadway said:


> And my response:
> 
> _WW,
> 
> I’ve reconsidered and believe my original plan is the best approach. I need to see our kids as well and this week I have missed them terribly. If your sister and her family want to come over to our house they are always welcome.
> 
> *I’m sorry your decision to have an affair has become inconvenient for you.*
> 
> What time should I pick up the kids tomorrow?
> 
> BS_


Stop making that kind of comment about her affair. This is the kind of thing that the 180 says to not do.


----------



## inabadway

The kids have said nothing about staying over extra. My son did mention he wanted to see his uncle who is coming in on Sunday.

Her training has been over since June when the EA started. She is an account executive and needs to fly for client meetings.

I was served papers tonight. She beat me to the punch. MN is a no-fault state so the only reason we can give is "a breakdown of the marriage". I'm still dealing with the affair and she is meeting with lawyers. She's had this planned for awhile.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EleGirl

How old are your children?


----------



## bandit.45

Yep. It was an exit affair my friend.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tom67

Get a shark lawyer I have a feeling you are in for a ride.


----------



## inabadway

Children are 13 & 15.

How could this have gotten so bad so quickly? I was digging through papers tonight to gather information in preparation for the divorce and found a Fathers Day card from this year. The note said "You are a wonderful father and husband. I don't tell you that enough."

My doing the 180 has turned into a 180. I need to go back to grieving for a bit, then will go back to helping myself. I can't help it. I thought I could do it but don't feel confident enough to fake it ATM.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## walkonmars

Take time to grieve. Do it while you are in the moment because your emotions will fluctuate. Just know that they do. The poster "somedayDig" has a wonderful expression for times like this. It goes something like this:

Yes, you're in a storm, with the coldest rain and most violent winds shaking your foundation. It seems like it will never cease. But remember this: Just above the storm clouds - the sun shines in it's most brilliant light and warmth. The clouds will pass, the sun will emerge. 

Stay strong my friend.


----------



## Machiavelli

Quickly? I know she told you on D-Day that it had been going on for about a month. Did you find evidence of an earlier date like 6 months ago? (all these cheating wives are so much alike I get them confused - same script). Either way, the big jolt of dopamine, norepinephrine, serotonin, adrenaline, and testosterone from climaxing with a new guy can turn their head around like Linda Blair. The result is a crack-like high by all accounts. That's before we get into the mood elevating chemicals found in semen and absorbed into the bloodstream. 

Bottom line, even Sunday School teachers can go totally nuts once they start down the affair road due to the brain chemistry involved. Your wife is already an addict to booze, this is just another addiction. Once OM is out of the picture she'll bring in another guy, but it's never quite the same without the forbidden affair sex angle, so she has to chase lots of unicorns. I think you can see where she's going to end up. From here on out, you're the only sane parent your kids have.


----------



## 3putt

walkonmars said:


> Take time to grieve. Do it while you are in the moment because your emotions will fluctuate. Just know that they do. The poster "somedayDig" has a wonderful expression for times like this. It goes something like this:
> 
> Yes, you're in a storm, with the coldest rain and most violent winds shaking your foundation. It seems like it will never cease. But remember this: Just above the storm clouds - the sun shines in it's most brilliant light and warmth. The clouds will pass, the sun will emerge.
> 
> Stay strong my friend.


Gonna have to save this one. Good, true, and wise words Dig.


----------



## tom67

Machiavelli said:


> Quickly? I know she told you on D-Day that it had been going on for about a month. Did you find evidence of an earlier date like 6 months ago? (all these cheating wives are so much alike I get them confused - same script). Either way, the big jolt of dopamine, norepinephrine, serotonin, adrenaline, and testosterone from climaxing with a new guy can turn their head around like Linda Blair. The result is a crack-like high by all accounts. That's before we get into the mood elevating chemicals found in semen and absorbed into the bloodstream.
> 
> Bottom line, even Sunday School teachers can go totally nuts once they start down the affair road due to the brain chemistry involved. Your wife is already an addict to booze, this is just another addiction. Once OM is out of the picture she'll bring in another guy, but it's never quite the same without the forbidden affair sex angle, so she has to chase lots of unicorns. I think you can see where she's going to end up. From here on out, you're the only sane parent your kids have.


Mach he found out the texting started around the end of june. PA for at least a month.


----------



## inabadway

Machiavelli said:


> Quickly? I know she told you on D-Day that it had been going on for about a month. Did you find evidence of an earlier date like 6 months ago? (all these cheating wives are so much alike I get them confused - same script). Either way, the big jolt of dopamine, norepinephrine, serotonin, adrenaline, and testosterone from climaxing with a new guy can turn their head around like Linda Blair. The result is a crack-like high by all accounts. That's before we get into the mood elevating chemicals found in semen and absorbed into the bloodstream.
> 
> Bottom line, even Sunday School teachers can go totally nuts once they start down the affair road due to the brain chemistry involved. Your wife is already an addict to booze, this is just another addiction. Once OM is out of the picture she'll bring in another guy, but it's never quite the same without the forbidden affair sex angle, so she has to chase lots of unicorns. I think you can see where she's going to end up. From here on out, you're the only sane parent your kids have.


Thanks Machiavelli. This helps a bit. I found out the EA started in late June 2012. No idea on physical. I really wish I would have documented the texts before confronting her. At the time I did not want to know, now I need it as evidence.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EleGirl

inabadway said:


> Children are 13 & 15.
> 
> How could this have gotten so bad so quickly? I was digging through papers tonight to gather information in preparation for the divorce and found a Fathers Day card from this year. The note said "You are a wonderful father and husband. I don't tell you that enough."
> 
> My doing the 180 has turned into a 180. I need to go back to grieving for a bit, then will go back to helping myself. I can't help it. I thought I could do it but don't feel confident enough to fake it ATM.


From experience.. if this is headed to a divorce, for a while only communicate with her via email when at all possible. Do not reply quickly to any email. Read it and then give yourself time. Only reply when you are not feeling emotional.

And let your lawyer handle as much of this as you can afford.

There is about a 97% chance that her affair will end sooner than later. You have exposed it. Now they are depending only on each other to get their needs met. And there is that thing called 'real life' that they now have to contend with. 

If you are at all interested in trying to recover your marriage, you can drag out the divorce by quite a bit by having your lawyer file for continuances, etc. If you have not read the book “Surviving an Affair” by Dr. Harley you might want to take a look at it.


----------



## 3putt

EleGirl said:


> There is about a 97% chance that her affair will end sooner than later. *You have exposed it. Now they are depending only on each other to get their needs met. And there is that thing called 'real life' that they now have to contend with*.


Oh yeah, this is when the 80/20 rule starts to take effect. Throw in exposure, and the end of this affair is all but done. Only her stubbornness and insistence that what she is doing is _right_ is driving her right now. Women can't stand to be wrong on this kind of life altering decision, which is why they fight so hard to prove they aren't. Women take their emotional decisions and commitments a lot more seriously than men do. 



EleGirl said:


> If you are at all interested in trying to recover your marriage, you can drag out the divorce by quite a bit by having your lawyer file for continuances, etc. If you have not read the book *“Surviving an Affair” by Dr. Harley* you might want to take a look at it.


Definitely get this book, along with His Needs, Her Needs by him as well.

I wish you well.

ETA: When I said what she is doing is _right_, I meant in her own drunk, adolescent, puppy love mind. Not the mind you know.

She's an addict. Treat her accordingly.


----------



## walkonmars

ww
inabadway


inabadway said:


> My mother does not want you at her house as she is scared of you right now.
> 
> I’m hurt further that you have somehow vilified me to your mother. I’ve always loved your mother and always treated her with kindness and respect; going over to help her with whatever needed doing, always helping her out of her seat after the knee surgery, whatever was needed.
> 
> I have not vilified you to my mom. She did not appreciate the mass email you sent to our family and friends and doesn't like the last emails you have sent. She also said you tried to call her and that is when she changed her number. She wants to stay out of this and I respect that and hope you can to.
> 
> I did want to talk with your mother because she has been a part of my life for 20 years and I wanted to talk. Nothing more. I understand that blood is thicker than water but I am saddened that 20 years did not even warrant a phone call.


Man-o-man
Your wife is a reprehensible and vile cheater. Her OM, as Mach alluded to has her blowing smoke out of both ears and the netherlands with his 'charm'. Let her go. she's gone anyway. Just didn't have the courtesy or integrity to be up front with you. 

OTOH, your MIL is a piece of work. The 20 or so years you invested in her daughter makes not one iota of difference to her. She doesn't have the courtesy or integrity to accept your call. Instead she got her nose out of joint because you had the audacity to object in public to your wife's behavior. 

Speaks volumes about her and her daughter. It makes it all the more imperative that you set the moral compass for your children. Show them what integrity looks like. Show them how to cope with major trauma in personal relationships.


----------



## morituri

Like my ex-wife, she may deeply regret her actions but ultilmately it depends on what you consider to be a deal breaker. Depending on the person, love may not simply be enough to overcome the devastation of infidelity. You must do some deep soul searching and be willing to be at peace with whatever your decision will be, continue with your marriage or end it.


----------



## inabadway

EleGirl said:


> From experience.. if this is headed to a divorce, for a while only communicate with her via email when at all possible. Do not reply quickly to any email. Read it and then give yourself time. Only reply when you are not feeling emotional.
> 
> And let your lawyer handle as much of this as you can afford.
> 
> There is about a 97% chance that her affair will end sooner than later. You have exposed it. Now they are depending only on each other to get their needs met. And there is that thing called 'real life' that they now have to contend with.
> 
> If you are at all interested in trying to recover your marriage, you can drag out the divorce by quite a bit by having your lawyer file for continuances, etc. If you have not read the book “Surviving an Affair” by Dr. Harley you might want to take a look at it.


I have 0% interest at recovering this marriage at this point. No interest in dragging it out either. Partially because I recently opened a new business (massage studio) which is currently in the red but trending up and expect profit in 3 months and partially because I've come to realize just how much energy I've spent on dealing with and coping with her alcoholism. It's a huge reason why we stopped going out a the much needed date nights. She would end up drinking too much thereby ruining the evening for me. She would not remember much the next morning. The problem is that she is high functioning. She may have been plowed the previous night but would be able to do whatever needed to be done the next day. I got tired of fighting about it years ago and just kept withdrawing little by little. This, no matter how much it hurts right now, is a way to break free and no longer enable. 

It doesn't matter how bad it was or how bad I let it get...its all I've known for many years so it will take awhile to process.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## morituri

Then why are you here?


----------



## EleGirl

inabadway said:


> I have 0% interest at recovering this marriage at this point. No interest in dragging it out either. Partially because I recently opened a new business (massage studio) which is currently in the red but trending up and expect profit in 3 months and partially because I've come to realize just how much energy I've spent on dealing with and coping with her alcoholism. It's a huge reason why we stopped going out a the much needed date nights. She would end up drinking too much thereby ruining the evening for me. She would not remember much the next morning. The problem is that she is high functioning. She may have been plowed the previous night but would be able to do whatever needed to be done the next day. I got tired of fighting about it years ago and just kept withdrawing little by little. This, no matter how much it hurts right now, is a way to break free and no longer enable.
> 
> It doesn't matter how bad it was or how bad I let it get...its all I've known for many years so it will take awhile to process.


It's certainly your choice. I can understand your point about the alcoholism. Addictions are a marriage breaker IMO. So perhaps as bad as her affair is, it does set you free.


----------



## inabadway

morituri said:


> Then why are you here?


Initially willing to work through it and try to make abetter, stronger marriage. Now...just to get some help as to what to do next. The reality of my situation is only now coming to me. But you're right, it is time to switch from here to the Dealing with divorce forums.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## cantthinkstraight

There must be something in the MN water...


----------



## Machiavelli

inabadway said:


> I've come to realize just how much energy I've spent on dealing with and coping with her alcoholism. ...This, no matter how much it hurts right now, is a way to break free and no longer enable.


I figured this would happen. IABW, she was a ball and chain holding you back; you've got a bright future ahead.


----------



## bandit.45

EleGirl said:


> It's certainly your choice. I can understand your point about the alcoholism. Addictions are a marriage breaker IMO. So perhaps as bad as her affair is, it does set you free.


Yep. I used to be a drunk. No way I would have stuck around if I was married to me. I was an azzhole.


----------



## bandit.45

cantthinkstraight said:


> There must be something in the MN water...


Well in her case...Scotch.


----------



## cledus_snow

this marriage sounded like it was doomed from your very first post.

she had checked-out long ago. as another poster mentioned, this was an "exit affair." she was never sorry nor remorseful. the mass e-mail was percieved to be vindictive in nature. 

i agree that blood is thicker than water, but for your ex-MIL to not even take a phone call form her former SIL of twenty years is pretty harsh. sounds like the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree, when it comes to detaching from people for these two.


is the affair still going on?


----------



## Machiavelli

cledus_snow said:


> this marriage sounded like it was doomed from your very first post.
> 
> she had checked-out long ago. as another poster mentioned, this was an "exit affair." she was never sorry nor remorseful.* the mass e-mail was percieved to be vindictive in nature. *


Of course she perceived it that way. After all, in her mind, courtesy of the Rationalization Hamster, the marriage was already over back before she decided it was already over. BH's failure to be on board for that before he knew, just shows what a vindictive SOB he really is.


----------



## bandit.45

Yeah. How dare he not pick up on her vibes? 

Typical male....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## inabadway

Today is a better day. Reading these forums helps. Yesterday sucked but I think it was the smack to the side of the head I needed to think more clearly. I skimmed cantthinkstraight's thread and it gives me hope. I'm starting to get the same feelings he had; starting to see my STBXW for what she is and has become rather than what I wanted to see.

I got out for a bit today, shoveled the driveway for exercise (unrewarding since it was so cold the snow was light), went grocery shopping and started reading a book that *wasn't* about affairs. My Dad called to check on me - had a good talk. I'm going to a Divorced Guys meetup tonight. I don't know what to expect - maybe get some pointers on how to proceed.

When they say the emotions are like a roller coaster....Man, did they nail it. I hope the trend keeps going in this direction. 

Thanks for all the support everyone. An affair really is almost scripted. For me it's so fresh and I couldn't see it without you pointing out some of the obvious things I had missed.

Rewarding moment: The phone rang while I was typing this and asked for my STBXW. I just said "She is no longer at this number and gave them the number of my mother-in-law's where she is staying."


----------



## inabadway

Machiavelli said:


> Of course she perceived it that way. After all, in her mind, courtesy of the Rationalization Hamster, the marriage was already over back before she decided it was already over. BH's failure to be on board for that before he knew, just shows what a vindictive SOB he really is.


Damn me!


----------



## JCD

"This is inabadway. Round Heeled Sally has been asked to move due to deep philosophical differences. You can reach her at XXX's home, unless she is entertaining at the local Motel 6. If you have a message of inabadway, please feel free to stop by the gym or the pub as am probably at one or the other, depending on which side of my brain is winning at the moment. Thank you."


----------



## inabadway

Everyone has had great feedback and has helped me remain focused. Here are the latest batch of emails. At this point I'm only trying to protect myself and the try to keep the kids out of it.

_
AWW,

I received the divorce papers. I don't see anything out of line except for Section IX, I will have my attorney change "this was not through Petition's consent as Respondent locked Petitioner out of family home." to "Respondent received email from Petitioner stating Petitioner would not be staying at our house." Other than that everything looks in order at first read.

I'd like to pursue the route of Mediation. My therapist brought it to my attention and it seems like a low cost alternative to litigation. It is also mentioned in the divorce papers.

At some point we need to talk. Working through lawyers will begin to get very expensive. I know you don't want to but we need to be adults about this and just get through it.

BH
------------------------------------------------------
BH,

Do you have a copy of the email that states I would not be staying at our house? If so, please forward that to me. The kids told me that you changed the locks and the garage door code to "show me what I was missing". They also told me that they were not allowed to give me the garage code or let me in the house. This incident was reported to the [city]police. The fact is that you changed the locks without my concent. The statement will remain as is. 

I am fine with Mediation but will continue to work through my attorney. 

Regards,

WW
------------------------------------------------------
WW,

I think we need to really think about the direction were going. Do we want to pay for our children's college or the attorneys children's college? As we seem to agree on being fair we should see how far we can settle this on our own. Divorce can be very expensive or reasonable depending on our approach.

I will forward the email.

BH

------------------------------------------------------
BH,

I agree on settling as much as possible out of court and I would like to settle quickly. I will retain my lawyer until the divorce is final.

WW
------------------------------------------------------
_

and here's the email she sent stating she would not be staying at our house. It looks weird but it's her and me.
_
BH,

I will not be staying at our house. I will drive the kids to school tomorrow and pick them up from swimming and drop them back off at home. The kids know this. 

WW
----------------------------------------------------------
OK.

I was hoping we could talk, not specifically about us, but just talk.
----------------------------------------------------------
We can talk after I meet with my lawyer. 
----------------------------------------------------------
OK.
----------------------------------------------------------

_
I just want to make sure I'm protected during the divorce. The way the papers stand it looks as if I locked her out with no provocation.


----------



## Shaggy

Have you posted the OM on cheaterville.com, if not do it tonight


----------



## JCD

Stop trying to save money. It's done. She is where she is and devil take the hindmost.

I would stop posting every single email here, Matt.

Seperate your finances and let her pay as much as she wants. Her finances are not your concern.

She is obviously not on board with mediation and seems to hate you with a purple passion. Okay. Deal with the reality.

Remove your half of all assets from the bank WITH A BANK STATEMENT of the total at the time from the bank. Ditto retirement accounts and stock portfolios.


If she wants to fritter it away, that's on her. 

You are trying to force her to talk and she obviously doesn't want to. This will be expensive and suck. Rip off the bandaid.


----------



## warlock07

I think she is manipulating the kids big time.

She is the one that cheated on you and she cannot trust you to remain fair in the divorce..The irony!!

And don't try to convince her about mediation..You mentioned it, she thinks it is a sign of weakness.


----------



## PreRaphaelite

inabadway said:


> -----------[/COLOR]-----------------------------------------------
> OK.
> 
> I was hoping we could talk, not specifically about us, but just talk.
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> We can talk after I meet with my lawyer.
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> OK.
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> 
> [/I]
> I just want to make sure I'm protected during the divorce. The way the papers stand it looks as if I locked her out with no provocation.


Why the hell are you still asking her if you can talk? She's gone, she's been planning this for months, she doesn't want to talk, she's vilifying you and making you look as bad as she can.

STOP CONTACTING HER! Let your lawyer do it from now on.


----------



## Aunt Ava

The above email is the one he's forwarding to her...the reason he changed the locks.


----------



## inabadway

Aunt Ava said:


> The above email is the one he's forwarding to her...the reason he changed the locks.


Yes, it was from 1/22 when she was returning from her business trip.

At this point I'm trying to protect myself in the eyes of the court, which is why I'm contesting the wording on the Divorce Petition.

Time to move this thread to the Going Through Divorce and Separation thread. Wow this is moving fast.


----------



## Will_Kane

inabadway said:


> Married 17 years, 2 kids - 15 & 13. Had our ups and downs like everyone and were currently in a down cycle.
> 
> 1-19-13: I was suspecting something was up with my wife as she had been texting like crazy over the past few months. When *I asked her why she said it was due to her starting a new job* and that was how they always communicated. I finally had to know and checked her phone. I came to one stating *" I wish I could be with you and we could cuddle right now."* I was destroyed and could not go any further. In hindsite I wish I had documented everything then and there, maybe not read them right way, but document them.
> 
> Instead, I immediately marched upstairs and confronted her. *She did not deny it and said it had been going on for about a month.* Her sister was in town and she, my wife and our 2 children left the house. I deactivated her cell phone to stop contact with the OM.
> 
> The OM is married with 2 children. I know them as *we had gone on a few double dates*
> 
> 1-24-13: I decided to check phone records to find out when the affair had begun. I was disgusted at what I found; *it had started back in late June - that's when the texting went sky high*. *The 1 month must have been the PA.* I send her an email stating I know when it started and was disgusted with her for taking my support of her job and her doing this with it.
> 
> 1-30-13: I'm being good about NC. Nothing. I receive an email from her stating she read my letter and *understands this is hard for me but she is in a different place and has been for a long time. She is moving forward with the divorce* and I will be getting served later in the week.
> 
> This is all conjecture on my part but it all makes sense now. What I read through those books and the FAQ (more this than the books)was that WS's often times have very low self-esteem. No matter how much praise they get, they always want more. *When I had gone back to look at when the EA started I pinpointed it to when my WS and I were both out of town; she in MD for training for her new job* she started and I in CO training for a new business I was about to open. A few months prior to that she had sold her share of a business she owned and had just landed this great, new job. I was very proud of her and *we spent a lot of time talking about our new adventures*. *During our brief texts the day after D-day she even mentioned this was a wonderful time.*
> 
> The thing is I remember her saying to me a few times that it bothered her that whenever we went out with friends they always wanted to talk about my business more than her new job. She needed the validation.
> 
> It also explained why she was a high-functioning alcoholic, something that had bothered me for a long time. In my mind the low self-esteem explains why she drinks . I'd tried to help her a number of times but she would have none of it. That's a separate issue but I wanted to bring it up since it contributed to my "AHA!" moment and to the realization that I had been in a 'fog' of my own and somewhat in denial.


She told you that when she landed her new job, I'm guessing around May-June, that it was a wonderful time for her and you and you were talking about your new adventures together.

Then she told you in January after you uncovered her affair that she had been in a "different place" (meaning not in love with you) for a long time.

So, what she means by "a long time" is about six months? As compared to your marriage of 17 years. And never approached you previously about whatever big problems there were in the marriage?

You mention that you have been on double dates with other man and his wife. Obviously, the double dates were set up by your wife and other man, because that is how you two couples knew each other, from your wife being on the same swim team with the other man.

Were any of these double dates AFTER she started the texting in June or after she admits to the physical affair starting in December?


----------



## inabadway

Will_Kane said:


> Were any of these double dates AFTER she started the texting in June or after she admits to the physical affair starting in December?


Yes, the last time we went out together was December 1. I don't know the details of the exact date the PA started.


----------



## Machiavelli

inabadway said:


> Yes, the last time we went out together was December 1. I don't know the details of the exact date the PA started.


When was the first time you doubled?


----------



## alte Dame

Your W is aggressively turning the knife, all the while using 'polite' language. This is disingenuous, at best, since it is not at all subconscious. It fits with her alcoholism, too - the masked sneering is not uncommon.

Her e-mails are challenging and covertly threatening. She notes early on that the children will make their own decisions, presumably about who they want to live with, so 'you better toe the line.' She tries to make her mother's reactions sound like logical responses to your aggression, although I would bet the store that she has been the one to paint the picture of you as monster to the MIL. She's getting the conversation all documented, where her implied threats sound mature and neutral.

Please watch out! She is sly and has her claws out, in my opinion. If you can, don't respond directly to her e-mails. Create a fresh e-mail with just the info about logistics for the children, etc.

I also think that there's a good chance that the OM will do the typical thing now that his W knows of his perfidy - he will beg for her to take him back and dump your WW. Given her alcoholism and truly awful treatment of you, I hope if this happens that you will not be tempted to listen.


----------



## walkonmars

alte Dame said:


> Your W is aggressively turning the knife, all the while using 'polite' language. This is disingenuous, at best, since it is not at all subconscious. It fits with her alcoholism, too - the masked sneering is not uncommon.
> 
> Her e-mails are challenging and covertly threatening. She notes early on that the children will make their own decisions, presumably about who they want to live with, so 'you better toe the line.' She tries to make her mother's reactions sound like logical responses to your aggression, although I would bet the store that she has been the one to paint the picture of you as monster to the MIL. She's getting the conversation all documented, where her implied threats sound mature and neutral.
> 
> Please watch out! She is sly and has her claws out, in my opinion. If you can, don't respond directly to her e-mails. Create a fresh e-mail with just the info about logistics for the children, etc.
> 
> I also think that there's a good chance that the OM will do the typical thing now that his W knows of his perfidy - he will beg for her to take him back and dump your WW. Given her alcoholism and truly awful treatment of you, I hope if this happens that you will not be tempted to listen.


:iagree: worth re-reading *and heeding*


----------



## inabadway

Good advice everyone, thanks. The kids are back at home and we're planning a Super Bowl appetizer night, should be fun. I'm much, much, much happier.

My brother in law dropped them off (husband of the sister who has here for D-day) and we had a good talk. My STBXW is actually defending me on some things, still clawing on most, but defending on some. He even said my MIL is flipping back and forth too. This hatred of men in learned from my MIL. She had a very nasty divorce, nasty enough that I had to pull her aside on our wedding day to tell her that for one day...just one day...please don't refer to him as 'The a--hole".

My BIL is going through something similar, not cheating, but the female side of that family getting something in their head and they just don't care about anything else.

There was that small part of me that thought I could be a terrible person. I have not been perfect and am willing to change the things that were lacking. Towards my kids mostly. Just being more involved. One thing about my STBXW is that she loves swimming and the kids and very good at it. I had justified that she was there so I didn't need to be. That's one thing that will change. Not right away, since I don't want to see my STBXW but eventually.


----------



## bandit.45

How are things going bro?


----------



## inabadway

Thanks for asking, bandit.

Things are going well. Having a blast now that the kids are home and there's not so much alone time. My son got me into this game a few weeks ago called 'Clash of Clans' on iOS and has been coaching me on what I've been doing wrong since he's been home. My daughter also plays with us.

Went to therapy again last night. She said 'If I were to diagnose you now I'd say you have Adjustment Disorder with some depression and anxiety.' Well, duh! It's going to take awhile to get over this...but I am slowly. I still hold on to the picture of what she used to be. Oh well, that person is gone forever. I'm starting to see exactly how long she has been pushing me away and she's right - it has been years. There were good times mingled in there but I start to rememebr all the things I tried and all the times I asked to do things only to be denied. She decided to be unhappy for whatever reason...there is nothing I could have done. Nothing.

I haven't contacted my STBXW since Saturday. She has sent two emails: one for the kids swim schedule and one for some financial information. I didn't respond to either.

Day by day is all I can do. Eating and sleeping are no longer an issue and having the kids home is a tremendous help. Plus we've had snow every day so I get to shovel the driveway for some exercise. Still continuing the stop smoking program and notice me urges becoming less and less.

Couple things that are bugguing me: 
1.) When my brother in law came over he brought the trash from where my STBXW is staying. If she brings it over again, I'm bringing it back. Vindictive or not?
2.) We have 2 dogs. One we bought together and one she got herself on her 40th Bday. That dog has been a nightmare since we got her; skin problems, behavoral problems, discipline problems, running away, sheds like crazy. I can't stand the dog. I think she should take the dog to where she is staying. That way I get rid of her, the kids have an animal when they are there, ans she gets a dose of reality. The MIL does not want her over there because of her shedding but my view is that is not my problem any longer. Again, vindictive and petty? For now I'm keeping her since the kids mentioned they want to keep her. I told them of course we will keep her but in my mind I'm thinking, "Why do I have to care for this POS dog because of my STBXW's choices?". Thoughts?

Anyway, Allp-in-all I'm doing pretty dang good. Feeling better day by day.


----------



## Jasel

inabadway said:


> Couple things that are bugguing me:
> 1.) When my brother in law came over he brought the trash from where my STBXW is staying. If she brings it over again, I'm bringing it back. Vindictive or not?
> 
> 2.) We have 2 dogs. One we bought together and one she got herself on her 40th Bday. That dog has been a nightmare since we got her; skin problems, behavoral problems, discipline problems, running away, sheds like crazy. I can't stand the dog. I think she should take the dog to where she is staying. That way I get rid of her, the kids have an animal when they are there, ans she gets a dose of reality. The MIL does not want her over there because of her shedding but my view is that is not my problem any longer. Again, vindictive and petty? For now I'm keeping her since the kids mentioned they want to keep her. I told them of course we will keep her but in my mind I'm thinking, "Why do I have to care for this POS dog because of my STBXW's choices?". Thoughts?
> 
> Anyway, Allp-in-all I'm doing pretty dang good. Feeling better day by day.


1) I wouldn't go anywhere near her or her relatives if you don't have to. Just tell you BIL that's not acceptable and they can deal with her trash on their own. What you suggest sounds more petty than vindictive.

2) If it's for the kids I'd put up with it. If it's that much of a problem get rid of it.

Anyway sounds like you're doing great. Keep it up:smthumbup:


----------



## tom67

Ha tell her the kids wanted to bring the dog with them. Ask the kids if they want him to go with them, why not.


----------



## tom67

Doesn't she have garbage pick up where she is?:scratchhead:


----------



## inabadway

As always, you are right. Both pretty petty. I still want to make her life as difficult as she's made mine. *Deep breath*.

The BIL is back in Alaska and MIL is still in Florida so STBXW is there alone, well probably not alone.

I'll have to suck it up on the dog since when I mentioned it to the kids is when I found out about the hair thing.

My guess is that while MIL is in Florida the trash pickup is turned off which is why there is no pickup where she is staying.


----------



## JCD

inabadway said:


> As always, you are right. Both pretty petty. I still want to make her life as difficult as she's made mine. *Deep breath*.
> 
> The BIL is back in Alaska and MIL is still in Florida so STBXW is there alone, well probably not alone.
> 
> I'll have to suck it up on the dog since when I mentioned it to the kids is when I found out about the hair thing.
> 
> My guess is that while MIL is in Florida the trash pickup is turned off which is why there is no pickup where she is staying.


If she can sleep with trash,she can certainly handle it herself.
.
.
.
Though...it is AMAZING what you can discover with a quick mind and some dumpster diving...like how much she is drinking, if she's on meds, her bills, if a strnager is eating there (scotch bottles if she's a wine connosuier)

Drop the dog off with the kids. It might be brought back, but your MIL hasn't been marriage friendly. Screw her!


----------



## Ovid

I'd dig the trash for intel, if you want any of that information.

Keep the dog for the kids. 

You're not the garbage man. She walked out on you. She can take care of her own trash.


----------



## Shaggy

I would deliver the trash and the dog to her. She is using you as a little dumping ground to clean up her mess.


----------



## Chaparral

Check out dadsdivorce.com

Also, I would call OMW if her husband is also an alcholic. You may not want him to know that yet.


----------



## alte Dame

Definitely nix the trash deliveries. I mean, WTH?

As for the dog - if the kids love it, it gives them much more of a home feeling when they are with you & you want them to be as comfortable as possible in a very difficult time. I would keep the dog.

Trash, however - really, WTH?


----------



## inabadway

Ok, keeping the dog. Looked through the trash. Nothing out of the ordinary. My sister and brother in law were there most of the time so nothing big. Found a list of things she wanted from the house...small items; hair drier, curlers, stuff like that - only 5 items. There was a broken glass so there was at least one drunk night before they got there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## inabadway

chapparal said:


> Check out dadsdivorce.com
> 
> Also, I would call OMW if her husband is also an alcholic. You may not want him to know that yet.


Thanks for the link. Not sure what you mean by "may not want him to know that yet". According to OMW, he has a drinking problem.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## happyman64

inabadway

Just wanted to say you are doing great.

Focus on you.Focus on your kids.

Get over the smoking. Tone up.

And heal.

*Because in no time you will be looking great and attracting a new mate!*

And when you see what life is like a with a good woman with good self esteem and no dependency issues you will think you died and went to heaven.

Keep moving forward.

Because her life is going to suck.

Make sure yours is going to be great.

And I love Clash of Clans. I play it with my two youngest....

HM64


----------



## inabadway

I'm really trying not to turn into one of the 60+ page people but have to post since the encouragement has been wonderful.

I don't look at these forums that often as I find myself trying to search for the "Wayward spouse who comes back and everything is wonderful" threads.

I was very proud of myself today. My STBXW is a very 'go-go-go-no-matter-if-it's-the-right-thing' type of person. Those following the thread know I was served on Friday, less than 2 weeks after D-day. On Sunday, the kids started to stay with me. Sunday evening and onward she started to send me a number of emails asking for financial information for the divorce proceedings, one of which was from another attorney(not the one who wrote the petition, not sure what to think about that). I politely pointed out that this was something that she should fill out on her own as I have one from my attorney that is similar. She asked about property and previous tax returns and I said that she should have access to all the information but at this time I would be unable to help since I had more pressing matters to attend to.

This is going to get ugly. Damn it! Where is the woman I married?!? I just want to bonk her over the head with the reality stick.


----------



## Chaparral

Like the others have said, once you get usef to the change you are not going to look back. From what you describe, your wife is no prize.


----------



## Will_Kane

inabadway said:


> This is going to get ugly. Damn it! Where is the woman I married?!? I just want to bonk her over the head with the reality stick.


Going to get ugly? You mean it's not ugly already?

After SHE betrayed YOU, asking her attorney to put a line in the divorce petition stating that you locked her out of the house? Then telling you she's not going to take it out?

Whether you realize it or not, she's been building a case against you from the minute she left. This has been well thought out by her, she had this planned. She's having to execute her plan sooner than she wanted to because you caught her, but she was (and IS) planning to screw you over big time.

She is mining the kids for info and keeping a log of all the "dangerous" and "unhealthy" things you've done (Dad let us have ice cream - "feeds them junk food"). She is on high alert for anything to use against you.

Be careful.

She is not coming back.


----------



## Will_Kane

Whatever happened with the "locked out" line in the divorce petition?

What did she say after she saw the email where she said she wouldn't be staying with you?


----------



## inabadway

Will_Kane said:


> Whatever happened with the "locked out" line in the divorce petition?
> 
> What did she say after she saw the email where she said she wouldn't be staying with you?


There has been no response since I sent her the truth. She's in complete and total denial.


----------



## ing

Your doing what i did, so a few tips. 

You are still engaging with her. 
Don't!

You are trying to solve her problems still. You have been doing it for 17 years. It will take time to learn not to do that.
Don't

Type your emails out. Then read them for content. Remove anything that is remotely personal. 
Only send when clean.

Do not discuss her at all with the kids. If you must mention her call her "Your Mother" Use emotionally distancing language. It will help your heart catch up..


----------



## inabadway

happyman64 said:


> And when you see what life is like a with a good woman with good self esteem and no dependency issues you will think you died and went to heaven.


Boy, I hope so. Thanks for the encouragement. Starting on the weights today. I looked at the fitness center where I work and it's not that bad. I packed a dufffle bag last night and will start over lunch.



chapparal said:


> From what you describe, your wife is no prize.


She used to be a wonderful woman; kind, gentle, loving...that is the picture I will hold onto. Not the woman she is today; a petty, vindictive, drunken ball-buster.




Will Kane said:


> She is mining the kids for info and keeping a log of all the "dangerous" and "unhealthy" things you've done (Dad let us have ice cream - "feeds them junk food"). She is on high alert for anything to use against you.
> 
> Be careful.
> 
> She is not coming back.


She'll have a tough time finding something, I'm a good father. She will never be able to change that no matter how much denial and projection she is doing to cope with what she's done.

Also, I'm becoming more and more OK with the idea that she is not coming back.




ing said:


> You are trying to solve her problems still. You have been doing it for 17 years. It will take time to learn not to do that.
> Don't


It's amazing that someone who does not know me can have that kind of insight. I actually had to read it twice. It forced another "Aha!" moment.


----------



## alte Dame

inabadway said:


> It's amazing that someone who does not know me can have that kind of insight. I actually had to read it twice. It forced another "Aha!" moment.


This is just biology. Men solve the problems, women do the nurturing. This is how humans behave when they mate and have children.

Your W is now severing your mating relationship. That means, among other things, that you no longer solve her problems & she no longer nurtures.

And boy oh boy! Is she no longer nurturing! A different side of her is now evident now that she's emotionally given up that role. The sooner you engage the reality that she is living right now, the better off you'll be. I know you know that in your mind. Eventually, the body chemistry part will catch up and your heart will know, too.

Please listen to those who are telling you she is building a case against you. Her claws seem very sharp to me.


----------



## inabadway

alte Dame said:


> This is just biology. Men solve the problems, women do the nurturing. This is how humans behave when they mate and have children.
> 
> Your W is now severing your mating relationship. That means, among other things, that you no longer solve her problems & she no longer nurtures.
> 
> And boy oh boy! Is she no longer nurturing! A different side of her is now evident now that she's emotionally given up that role. The sooner you engage the reality that she is living right now, the better off you'll be. I know you know that in your mind. Eventually, the body chemistry part will catch up and your heart will know, too.
> 
> Please listen to those who are telling you she is building a case against you. Her claws seem very sharp to me.


I agree. I've started to come out of my very own fog over the past few days and see now what I've been ignoring/rationalizing over the past few years. I couldn't get myself to believe some of the things she would say and do...that couldn't be my wife. It truly is not. While I do miss my wife, this person is not her. I see that now.

I'm on high guard as I know I can not believe one thing she says. 

The workout felt great. I'll definately keep it up.


----------



## tom67

Workouts are great keep it up 3 times a week minimum. You may want to instead of or with ic, look up where the nearest alanon meetings are. They could be a great help talking to others who lived with an alcoholic. Just an idea.


----------



## inabadway

tom67 said:


> Workouts are great keep it up 3 times a week minimum. You may want to instead of or with ic, look up where the nearest alanon meetings are. They could be a great help talking to others who lived with an alcoholic. Just an idea.


Good idea! I know exactly where the the Alanon meetings are. I went to a few about 2 years back the last time I had had enough. She shaped up for awhile when she found out. She is very worried about what others think of her.

I have 3 more sessions with my IC then will be done. I was able to get 5 sessions for free through the Employee Assistance Program at work. Why not use them to help me better understand myself a little better.


----------



## tom67

inabadway said:


> Good idea! I know exactly where the the Alanon meetings are. I went to a few about 2 years back the last time I had had enough. She shaped up for awhile when she found out. She is very worried about what others think of her.
> 
> I have 3 more sessions with my IC then will be done. I was able to get 5 sessions for free through the Employee Assistance Program at work. Why not use them to help me better understand myself a little better.


Yea it's real easy becoming codependant and blaming yourself for her disease. You will find out you are NOT the only one.


----------



## Aunt Ava

I know you have more important concerns right now but....

Re: the dog
Crate training ....will protect hearth & home when no one is around to watch the dog. Our dogs love their crates, often napping in them during the day. 
Excessive chewing is a symptom of boredom, he needs chew toys, also the kids should play with him if they want to keep him.


----------



## inabadway

Aunt Ava said:


> I know you have more important concerns right now but....
> 
> Re: the dog
> Crate training ....will protect hearth & home when no one is around to watch the dog. Our dogs love their crates, often napping in them during the day.
> Excessive chewing is a symptom of boredom, he needs chew toys, also the kids should play with him if they want to keep him.


Thanks, but I've tried that. Not recently so maybe I could try it again to see if it would make a difference now. The problem with the dog is it was taken from her mother way to early. When I did crate training I would come home to a dog that was soaking wet - way more than could possibly have come from tipping over her water bowl. I came to find out that she became so anxious when we were away that she would drool and basically dehydrate herself and I had to stop.

Neither dog chews and the kids play with them daily. She's just a very rude dog. I don't know how else to put it. She pushes her way in and out the door past the other dog. When we play fetch she is far more interested in body bumping the other dog than fetching. Just rude.

Thanks for the crate idea. I may try that again tomorrow.


----------



## inabadway

Quick update.

Things are going better. The workouts have been helping, been going every other day for about an hour. I bought some protein powder stuff a couple of days ago and am going to up the workout to daily since the soreness isn't as bad and I feel like I'm ready for daily . I feel better about myself after only a week. Also, 5 days without a cigarette. It's a start.

I did break NC with my STBXW a few days ago. It was to tell her I wanted her to stay at our house with the kids and take care of the dogs from this Friday-Monday as I am going on a trip. I didn't ask, but rather told her. Embracing my Alpha side a bit more these days too. She said of course she would. I responded with an enthusiastic "Awesome!! Thanks." and that was it.

I spoke to my attorney yesterday and she is putting in the Petition response so moving forward with the divorce as well.

Today is going to be a tough day. I brought the kids to school and my STBXW is picking them up so they are gone. Valentine's Day used to be a great day for us. No matter what was going on in our lives or marriage it was always a great day for us. We both like to cook so we would always spend time together making an extravagant meal, have dinner over some wine, etc. This V-Day I'll be packing for my trip and wondering if she left the kids at home and is out with POSOM. 

I guess I'm happy with my progress over, what, 26 days since D-day. I just miss my wife and wish this other person who inhabits her body would just go away. 20 years together is hard to let go. I see the good and bad in those years and am willing to accept whatever direction my life takes me at this point.


----------



## Aunt Ava

Congrats on not smoking...the first week is the hardest. You are doing great and sounding stronger. Today is just another day, don't dwell on it - distract yourself. Enjoy your trip.


----------



## happyman64

> I guess I'm happy with my progress over, what, 26 days since D-day. I just miss my wife and wish this other person who inhabits her body would just go away. 20 years together is hard to let go. I see the good and bad in those years and am willing to accept whatever direction my life takes me at this point.


You should be happy and proud of yourself. And when you reach that level of acceptance your life will get focus again, you will realize that no matter what happens you will be fine.

And you know what, when you truly let her go in your heart and mind you will realize she has not been that person you married for a while.

Remember, you deserve better. Keep your Alpha up and go get what you deserve.

HM64


----------



## inabadway

Last post for the day. It was listening to this song and thought I would share: We Are What You Say by Dead Sara

_You gotta sink to learn to swim
These are the rules that they teach and they want you to live
Apologies will never do and I know that way too well
Brought down by somebody else's lack of education
Shouldn't be you that it hurts
But I took all the advice that I could take
Before I thought to give up

I bet you thought I'd give up

And this is what they told me…

These are the lies you gotta believe
They'll give you everything to lose if you disagree
Apologies are over used and I'd be cutting the line way too thin
I'm aware of this bitter behavior
I lost myself somewhere I never wanted to be
Now it's time to start all over - we were held to the light
But we never went blind_


----------



## inabadway

I'm back and need advice. I know what I need to do but need help with wording.

The snowmobile trip was a blast and I was able to take my mind off things a little bit. Thoughts still snuck in but for the most part I really tried not to think about everything.

Here's what I need help with. My STBXW caught wind that I am going to drop her dog off at where she is staying this coming Friday. Here are her exact words:

_I am looking for a place for [dog]. The kids have let me know that it isn't working out. If you could give me two weeks to finalize a place, I'd appreciate it. My goal is to have her out of the house by a week from Friday if that works. _

That leaves me in a very tough spot. I'll have to keep the dog for the kid's sake but I want to respond somehow letting her know just how disappointed I am with her. Something like:

_It's disappointing that your decisions are now affecting the children and your selfish actions will cause them pain. You don't seem to care who you hurt...it's very sad who you've become. I am willing to put their wishes before my own and I will keep [dog] as I love the children and do not want them to hurt._


----------



## bandit.45

I would just take the dog and let her be on her way. Don't banter words with her. She's got her head up her azz and whatever you say she'll just use against you. Tell the kids that you are taking the dog because mommy's bad decisions have made it so she is unable to keep him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tom67

Is the other guy still kicked out of his house?


----------



## inabadway

tom67 said:


> Is the other guy still kicked out of his house?


I don't know. I am no longer in contact with the OMW. She said it hurt to much to see my name (well, my last name) so I told her I would no longer contact her but am here if she needs anything.


----------



## happyman64

I would send this:

I have decided to keep the dog. It has shown to me what true loyalty and love is. 

It will a be a great replacement for you.

And the kids agree.


----------



## bandit.45

happyman64 said:


> i would send this:
> 
> I have decided to keep the dog. It has shown to me what true loyalty and love is.
> 
> It will a be a great replacement for you.
> 
> And the kids agree. :d


perfecto!


----------



## warlock07

> I am looking for a place for [dog]. The kids have let me know that it isn't working out. If you could give me two weeks to finalize a place, I'd appreciate it. My goal is to have her out of the house by a week from Friday if that works.


"No. Find an alternative."

She was having an affair for 6 months. She should have planned it.


----------



## inabadway

happyman64 said:


> I would send this:
> 
> I have decided to keep the dog. It has shown to me what true loyalty and love is.
> 
> It will a be a great replacement for you.
> 
> And the kids agree.


That's awesome, Happyman. Sent.

The workouts are still going great. Non-smoker for about a week and a half too. Didn't buy a whole new wardrobe since I've always taken pride in my appearance but I did buy a really nice new leather jacket. My 15 year old daughter says "You look hot in that jacket". Not sure I want my daughter calling me hot. I guess its better than what she said when I first got readers last year. She said I looked adorable. Still makes my laugh when I think of that.

Things really are looking bright.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## inabadway

Back again and need some advice.

We were/are taking the kids to AZ for Spring Break this year with 2 other couples that have 2 kids each. That's a total of 12 people. 6 adults - 6 kids. We rented a very nice house, more than big enough to accommodate everyone.

My question: I mentioned that I am debating about still going. She responded with it would be too early and too awkward. I told her "Maybe for you, I'm fine with it and it will be fun." Should I go? I don't see why I shouldn't - she's the one who had (is having?) the affair.

For those of you saying why are you contacting her, remember we have kids and had to figure out the calendar and temporary custody.


----------



## walkonmars

You'e planning on going with her as husband & wife? Sleeping in the same room?

If so, wow! More power to you. If it were me, I'd plan spring break with the kids. She can stay home with her mom and badmouth you all they want. Or she can do what she's been doing for the last six or so months. 

If you do go with her you're going to have to pretend to be a happy hubby. 
Couldn't do it. Nope. Not at all.


----------



## walkonmars

Do the other couples know the truth of your situation?


----------



## warlock07

Go without her


----------



## inabadway

walkonmars said:


> Do the other couples know the truth of your situation?


Yes, both couples know. We would not be there as a couple.


----------



## Jasel

You should go. Who knows maybe she won't. If you both do go keep your interactions cordial/indifferent but other then that just try to enjoy yourself and your kids.


----------



## walkonmars

Do you know what she meant by: "it would be to early and too awkward"?

Too soon to be doing things together? Would you ever be doing things "together"?

Too awkward b/c of the contentious divorce? 

If you do go together DO NOT IMBIBE. Total sobriety. The last thing you need is to be arrested far from home with no immediate local help available. You can also find yourself with a RO.

The way she's acted you'd be wise to be wary of every conversation with her or about her. I don't see a single upside for you.

Try to convince her to stay home while you go with your kids.


----------



## inabadway

walkonmars said:


> Do you know what she meant by: "it would be to early and too awkward"?
> 
> Too soon to be doing things together? Would you ever be doing things "together"?
> 
> Too awkward b/c of the contentious divorce?
> 
> If you do go together DO NOT IMBIBE. Total sobriety. The last thing you need is to be arrested far from home with no immediate local help available. You can also find yourself with a RO.
> 
> The way she's acted you'd be wise to be wary of every conversation with her or about her. I don't see a single upside for you.
> 
> Try to convince her to stay home while you go with your kids.


Not sure. Can't read her mind. Her exact response after I said maybe for you, I'm fine with it was: "I'm not so sure about that. I think it would be awkward for the kids and our friends too. "

I decided to play with her a little and respond: "Why? The kids have stated I'm the fun one on vacations.

As far as the X's and Y's I think it would be OK too...as long as you can keep your hands off me. "

I called one of the friends and he is going to run it by the others to see what they think. If push comes to shove it should be me going.


----------



## terrence4159

just read your thread sorry and amazed how well you handled it.. tell her if its too soon she should feel free to stay at home with the OM and you will go without her.


----------



## inabadway

Jasel said:


> You should go. Who knows maybe she won't. If you both do go keep your interactions cordial/indifferent but other then that just try to enjoy yourself and your kids.


My thought exactly. I missed the last spring break due to having to work on getting the studio up and running. The kids and her texted a lot saying they missed me. I don't want to miss 2 in a row.


----------



## inabadway

terrence4159 said:


> just read your thread sorry and amazed how well you handled it.. tell her if its too soon she should feel free to stay at home with the OM and you will go without her.


Oh, I'm not handling it well at all. The last few days have had some very bad triggers followed by uncontrollable sobbing. Who knew the last scene in Mission Impossible - Ghost Protocol would do something like that. Just seeing he and his wife share that moment....wow!

I'm just trying to fake it until my heart catches up with my actions.

Also, by that time it will have been 2 months of 5 day a week focused weight lifting thanks to CleanJerkSnatch's awesome guidance. I'm gonna be f-cking ripped!


----------



## Will_Kane

inabadway said:


> Back again and need some advice.
> 
> We were/are taking the kids to AZ for Spring Break this year with 2 other couples that have 2 kids each. That's a total of 12 people. 6 adults - 6 kids. We rented a very nice house, more than big enough to accommodate everyone.
> 
> My question: I mentioned that I am debating about still going. She responded with it would be too early and too awkward. I told her "Maybe for you, I'm fine with it and it will be fun." Should I go? I don't see why I shouldn't - she's the one who had (is having?) the affair.
> 
> For those of you saying why are you contacting her, remember we have kids and had to figure out the calendar and temporary custody.


If you don't go, will other man go in your place?

Or "coincidentally" show up in a hotel down the street, and then be invited to join in the activities?


----------



## inabadway

Will_Kane said:


> If you don't go, will other man go in your place?
> 
> Or "coincidentally" show up in a hotel down the street, and then be invited to join in the activities?


Not a chance, but really it never crossed my mind. Not playing the 'what if game'.

If he did I know one of the husbands would castrate him (we're very close) and the other would likely hold him down. Not as close but close enough to know he has my back.

I brought the 2nd male and his wife a Banana-Cream pie a couple weeks ago after finding out that she had been diagnosed with breast cancer. Everything is fine with her, they caught it soon enough. Banana-Cream is her absolute favorite and we talked for awhile. They, like everyone, are staying out of it. 

I really wish someone would put some pressure on my STBXW. Everyone wants to stay out of it. Argh!!!

P.s. And don't make fun of the fact I brought her a pie. It's weird, but I love to bake. That's one thing I will miss tho'. My Mom (who passed 2 years ago) never taught me how to make a crust, but taught my STBXW. I had to buy a store bought crust. It's weird the things you miss.


----------



## The Cro-Magnon

inabadway said:


> Not a chance, but really it never crossed my mind. Not playing the 'what if game'.
> 
> If he did I know one of the husbands would castrate him (we're very close) and the other would likely hold him down. Not as close but close enough to know he has my back.
> 
> I brought the 2nd male and his wife a Banana-Cream pie a couple weeks ago after finding out that she had been diagnosed with breast cancer. Everything is fine with her, they caught it soon enough. Banana-Cream is her absolute favorite and we talked for awhile. They, like everyone, are staying out of it.
> 
> I really wish someone would put some pressure on my STBXW. Everyone wants to stay out of it. Argh!!!
> 
> P.s. And don't make fun of the fact I brought her a pie. It's weird, but I love to bake. That's one thing I will miss tho'. My Mom (who passed 2 years ago) never taught me how to make a crust, but taught my STBXW. I had to buy a store bought crust. It's weird the things you miss.


WTF am I reading?

He fcuked your life, and you're sending him banana sundaes? Jesus H Christ..............


----------



## twin

The Cro-Magnon said:


> WTF am I reading?
> 
> He fcuked your life, and you're sending him banana sundaes? Jesus H Christ..............


I think he baked the pie for his friend (and ffriend's wife) that are going on the spring break trip. Not for the OM. Just read all this, sorry for what you are going through. My marriage same length, and kids same age. We are going through a rough time right now too. It's tough. Good luck with everything.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## inabadway

twin said:


> I think he baked the pie for his friend (and ffriend's wife) that are going on the spring break trip. Not for the OM. Just read all this, sorry for what you are going through. My marriage same length, and kids same age. We are going through a rough time right now too. It's tough. Good luck with everything.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Twin is correct. The pie was for the wife of the 2nd couple going on spring break. That wasn't very clear.

Thanks, Twin. If you are in the same place as I was just try not to be too proud. Take care of your wife now while you can. Don't let your pride get in the way.


----------



## inabadway

Da-mit! Back to the beginning for the 180. 

We went back and forth via email about it being uncomfortable and I finally broke down and told her that I should not have to pay for her mistakes...then I listed all the things my STBXW has either twisted or I've had to deal with since she decided to leave.

The lack of closure is what is killing me. I read hardtohandle's thread and that is what prompted me to unleash. I just need answers.

Why can't I detach? I want to....I know how toxic she is. I'm seeing her faults. But my mind won't let me let go. Sigh.


----------



## cantthinkstraight

inabadway said:


> Da-mit! Back to the beginning for the 180.
> 
> We went back and forth via email about it being uncomfortable and I finally broke down and told her that I should not have to pay for her mistakes...then I listed all the things my STBXW has either twisted or I've had to deal with since she decided to leave.
> 
> The lack of closure is what is killing me. I read hardtohandle's thread and that is what prompted me to unleash. I just need answers.
> 
> Why can't I detach? I want to....I know how toxic she is. I'm seeing her faults. But my mind won't let me let go. Sigh.


Your stbx is acting just like mine.

It's so hard to resist sharing your feelings with her, I understand
that but you need to know that the woman you married is gone. 

You're trying to get through to her with your honesty and love 
but she only sees it as a weakness and uses it to her advantage. 
She's no longer there, man. I'm speaking from experience. 

Our threads and situations are very similar.

Detach, detach, detach.

You deserve so much better than putting up with this.


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## Thorburn

inabadway said:


> Da-mit! Back to the beginning for the 180.
> 
> We went back and forth via email about it being uncomfortable and I finally broke down and told her that I should not have to pay for her mistakes...then I listed all the things my STBXW has either twisted or I've had to deal with since she decided to leave.
> 
> The lack of closure is what is killing me. I read hardtohandle's thread and that is what prompted me to unleash. I just need answers.
> 
> Why can't I detach? I want to....I know how toxic she is. I'm seeing her faults. But my mind won't let me let go. Sigh.


There could be many reasons why you are having trouble detaching. I am sure you miss her. My WS and I still live in the same house and I gave her a letter last night that a pastor asked me to write to her. It basically stated I love her and that because of my love for her I am filing for D.

Detachment is hard but I have done it. I have not cried. I did last year. But this time I just feel sorry for her. When I look at her, which is getting rarer the past several days as she basically hangs up in her new room upstairs, in my mind she is just a shadow, an empty shell of who and what she meant to me. 

Detach. Make it your priority.


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## cantthinkstraight

Borderline MLC, bored, low self-steem, resentful, vengeful, victim of life, heartless, quitter, liar, yadda yadda.

Let's just call it for what it is - *batsh!t effin' crazy*.


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## Jasel

inabadway said:


> Da-mit! Back to the beginning for the 180.
> 
> We went back and forth via email about it being uncomfortable and I finally broke down and told her that I should not have to pay for her mistakes...then I listed all the things my STBXW has either twisted or I've had to deal with since she decided to leave.
> 
> The lack of closure is what is killing me. I read hardtohandle's thread and that is what prompted me to unleash. I just need answers.
> 
> Why can't I detach? I want to....I know how toxic she is. I'm seeing her faults. But my mind won't let me let go. Sigh.


Have you tried typing out your feelings on a word document just so you can vent that way?? Or even venting out loud to a digital recorder that you can just delete later? I've done both of these myself (although not anymore) and it does help when dealing with negative emotions and frustrations brought on by people who bring out the worst in you. 

You vent to your wife because you're using her as an emotional outlet for your pent up frustration/anger. Not that she doesn't deserve it, especially being the cause of it. But if you want to successfully detach then you need another outlet. TAM is good but even when coming here for support you can only be so honest to a group of strangers about deep feelings/desires/etc.


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## lovesux

Thorburn said:


> There could be many reasons why you are having trouble detaching. I am sure you miss her. My WS and I still live in the same house and I gave her a letter last night that a pastor asked me to write to her. It basically stated I love her and that because of my love for her I am filing for D.
> 
> Detachment is hard but I have done it. I have not cried. I did last year. But this time I just feel sorry for her. When I look at her, which is getting rarer the past several days as she basically hangs up in her new room upstairs, in my mind she is just a shadow, an empty shell of who and what she meant to me.
> 
> Detach. Make it your priority.


Same boat.. 4th week now that i found out my wife cheated/left.. It's hard to detach but i guess only time will heal us. I try going out and mingle socially but my "sad eyes" give it away. I feel depressed when i see a happy couple laughing together. It reminds me of things I and my wife of 7 yrs. used to do together (we were friends before). Betrayal is hard to swallow.


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## lovesux

Thorburn said:


> There could be many reasons why you are having trouble detaching. I am sure you miss her. My WS and I still live in the same house and I gave her a letter last night that a pastor asked me to write to her. It basically stated I love her and that because of my love for her I am filing for D.
> 
> Detachment is hard but I have done it. I have not cried. I did last year. But this time I just feel sorry for her. When I look at her, which is getting rarer the past several days as she basically hangs up in her new room upstairs, in my mind she is just a shadow, an empty shell of who and what she meant to me.
> 
> Detach. Make it your priority.


Same boat.. 4th week now that i found out my wife cheated/left.. It's hard to detach but i guess only time will heal us. I try going out and mingle socially but my "SAD eyes" give it away.I'm tired of wearing shades... I feel depressed when i see a happy couple laughing together. It reminds me of things I and my wife of 7 yrs. used to do together (we were friends before). Betrayal is hard to swallow.

Till i meet someone and share my love. I probably won't get over it.


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## inabadway

It's getting better day by day. Went out with some friends on Friday for his Bday. Went to this fun Bohemian bar where, oddly enough STBXW and I had our grooms dinner. Talked to a nice 20 something for most of the night. Had a good time.

Saturday I brought the rotten dog over to where she is staying. I just walked in and she said "what are you doing here". I told her "To drop off [dog]" and left. She was stunned...later verified by my son who came back to our home today as well as our daughter. Mine for the next week. I also took my daughter and her friend to a local college hockey game. During the game people text their favorite song to a number and during the third period they play the song. My daughter and her friend got up and danced, my daughter said I should too-so I did...didn't care what I looked like. On the way out my daughters friend told me that I was her new favorite person for dancing with them.

Shot some skeet today and made spaghetti with the kids. Also bought a new wireless home audio system, its fricking awesome. All in all a very good weekend.

I still miss her but see how toxic she is. I'll be strong and remain NC. It's getting easier, not by much, but a little.

Oh yeah, also had a younger woman approach me at the gym. Talked for a few minutes. The 180 does work, if you are strong enough to do it. I'm getting closer.


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## walkonmars

inabadway said:


> ... I just walked in and she said "what are you doing here". I told her "To drop off [dog]" and left. She was stunned......


:rofl: Love this part. 

But you should brace yourself for some sort of retaliation. Judging by her past manipulative moves, she just may file a stalking charge on you or "breaking and entering" (or just "entering"?) Be very careful with this one.


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## Acabado

You are doing great man. Really great.


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## happyman64

Nice job with the dog.

That was the nicest F. U. I have seen in a while.

Keep lovin your kids.


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## inabadway

I would definitely not have been doing as well had I not found these boards as soon as I did.Good support and very good advice all the way around. 

Couple of follow ups to previous posts. She did call her lawyer regarding spring break. Bi-ch. Rather than push it I said she could go this year. In return I asked for the rights to the season hockey tickets. The hockey tickets are like gold where we are from.

Also, found out from my son that she has to go to the pound to pick up rotten dog. The dog has a tendency to wander and was picked up by the police and brought to the pound. Take that for reality. Vindictive yes, but I feel much better being able to return some of the pain she's I caused.


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## walkonmars

She is one bitter, conniving, and vindictive woman. The way she is so eager to get lawyers involved, accuse you of throwing her out, asserting herself into spring break vacation - just unreal. She acts as if she was the one that was wronged. Probably upset that you messed up her little fantasy world and got her boyfriend in hot water with his kids. Again watch your Ps and Qs with her.


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## happyman64

Darn

With the dog gone I thought it would be easier to go camping for Spring Break.

I cannot believe she checked with the attorney.

No big deal. 

Make a spring break of your own.

Lake Havasu, Acapulco, Miami Beach or Las Vegas. 

Keep your chin up. And keep swinging.


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## inabadway

walkonmars said:


> She is one bitter, conniving, and vindictive woman. The way she is so eager to get lawyers involved, accuse you of throwing her out, asserting herself into spring break vacation - just unreal. She acts as if she was the one that was wronged. Probably upset that you messed up her little fantasy world and got her boyfriend in hot water with his kids. Again watch your Ps and Qs with her.


I think this is the big thing. Without getting too much into it she had a very sheltered upbringing...outward appearance always had to be maintained. Which is the reason my MIL reacted the way she did. I had thought my STBXW did not share that trait. I have come to find out I was very wring. Her reputation is far more important to her than I thought. My exposure *REALLY* ticked her off and, IMO, the rest is a reaction to that.

Thank you for the advice to watch myself, I will try to be on high guard.

And , as always, thanks to everyone for the encouragement. It is hard and having someone telling me its the right thing to do, even if it's virtual, is a big help.


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## inabadway

More advice needed.

Ran into that young woman again at the gym and had a very nice conversation. After finding out her first name I remembered we had worked together in the past. I went through my email archive and came up with her last name.

Here the question: Would it be too stalker-ish to send her an email asking when she planned on working out again so I could 'accidentally' run into her. It's been awhile since I've dated so I need help.

I just need female companionship. No necessarily physical, I just miss someone to talk to.


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## happyman64

Yes. That is stalkerish.


Instead keep going to the gym until you see her, engage in conversation and see if she would help you with your workout or ask her out for a coffee.


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## Jasel

That might be a bit weird. Just my opinion.


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## inabadway

Yeah, I knew it was. Just needed someone else to tell me so I could believe myself.

It's hard to not be too....I don't know, impulsive. Today was a high anxiety day...not sure why. I wanted to call, text, talk to...anything my STBXW so dam- bad. I think it was because I had not worked out in 5 days. Big snowstorm in our area and we were snowed in. I have noticed that working out has kept the 'tight chest' feeling at bay. 

I'm just pretty lonely and want things to hurry up and move on. Where is that magic pill?


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## walkonmars

When you find yourself with extra time on your hands call places that need and want volunteers and offer your services for a few hours. 

Try places life the food bank, homeless shelter, animal shelter, etc. Call the juvenile justice center and volunteer as a tutor, Ronald McDonald, old folks homes. etc. 

It will keep you busy, your mind occupied and the satisfaction of giving to your community is immeasurable. 

You can also try leaning American Sign Language. Volunteers are always needed for these services. Heck, if you become proficient at it you can make a buck or two at conventions.

Take up a cooking class or a dance class. Check your community college night courses.


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## inabadway

walkonmars said:


> When you find yourself with extra time on your hands call places that need and want volunteers and offer your services for a few hours.
> 
> Try places life the food bank, homeless shelter, animal shelter, etc. Call the juvenile justice center and volunteer as a tutor, Ronald McDonald, old folks homes. etc.
> 
> It will keep you busy, your mind occupied and the satisfaction of giving to your community is immeasurable.
> 
> You can also try leaning American Sign Language. Volunteers are always needed for these services. Heck, if you become proficient at it you can make a buck or two at conventions.
> 
> Take up a cooking class or a dance class. Check your community college night courses.


Excellent thoughts. I watched a documentary awhile ago called 'Happy' and it mentioned volunteering as the single-most thing that increases a person's happiness. The act of giving is very rewarding. 

I'll look into it - see what I can come up with. As always, great advice and support. Thanks all!!


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## 3putt

inabadway said:


> Excellent thoughts. I watched a documentary awhile ago called 'Happy' and it mentioned volunteering as the single-most thing that increases a person's happiness. The act of giving is very rewarding.
> 
> I'll look into it - see what I can come up with. As always, great advice and support. Thanks all!!


Check into Habitat for Humanity as well. I used to do that when time allowed and it was very rewarding.

I also did an online photography class with a local technical college recently, and that was a lot of fun as well.


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## inabadway

I did Habitat for Humanity this summer. Loved it and loved the concept...working hand in hand rather than expecting a handout.

A cooking class may not be a bad idea. I love to cook and am pretty good at if I do say so myself. Got hooked on Alton Brown a few years ago and understand the science behind cooking. I've come up with a few dishes that STBXW and kids love. Who would think that curry and raspberry jam in coconut milk tastes awesome, but it does.

Losing my friend is hard. Even toward the end we talked almost every night. Having my kids here is great but....well, there are things I can't talk about.

This interim period is what is difficult.i just need to get through it.


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## walkonmars

inabadway said:


> ...Got hooked on Alton Brown a few years ago and understand the science behind cooking. I've come up with a few dishes that STBXW and kids love. ...


You might find this book interesting too then: "What Einstein Told His Cook"
Not a novel and not a cookbook but lots of good tips and "did you knows" about cooking and food science. I love it. You can jump around from chapter to chapter - each stands on it's own.


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## inabadway

Just checking in folks. I haven't been here in awhile but one of the members private messaged me to see how I was doing. I found not being on these boards has helped to not feed the anger so I have not been checking. That doesn't mean I shouldn't let the people who helped/are helping me through this know how things are going.

I definately know I'm healing as I she is no longer the first thing I think of in the morning. Actually it takes a few hours before she crosses my mind - at least most days. There was one day last week that we had to be at a gathering together and I *really* wanted her to look like crap...she didn't. In fact she looked really good - dam-it! It was only one night out of a bunch so I don't feel so bad. I doubt it will ever be 100% of the time.

The excercise has started to show. I have slowed down to 3 times a week since I'm pretty sure I was overtraining...I had a lot of agression to work through. Just in the last week I've had about a dozen people ask me if I've been working out. They say it shows. My confidence is returning and my focus at work is really good too.

I signed up on match.com after reading one of the threads - can't remember which one but it was a doctor. I'm not ready for anything but companionship at this point. Just not there yet. Over the past 4 days I've been conversing with a very nice divorcee. We have a lot in common and I find myself thinking of her in the morning rather than my STBXW. That actually scares me. The good thng is she currently lives about 100 miles away and will not be moving back locally until July. That will help me from doing something stupid. I've read about the rebound relationship and know it's too soon. I know I need more time before anything more than talking happens and the distance will help.

She does not yet know what I'm going through. It's too soon, IMO, to broach that subject but I think she may have gone through the same thing. There is something in her profile stating "if you have a history of being unfaithful, don't bother replying." That's the one thing I feel guilty about...not telling her...I will, just not yet.

Also, she is 7 years younger than my STBXW. 4 years younger than me so well within the appropriate.

Been going out alot with friends. Unfortunately, the hockey season is just about over so I'll miss that. WCHA tourneys this weekend. Should be a blast.

Oh yeah. I had an awesome moment on Monday. My daughter stayed after school and got a ride home with one of her girlfriend's fathers. I happened to come home at the same time she was being dropped off. When I got out of the car I heard my daughter's friend tell her Dad ' Just a second, I want to give him a hug.' And she did. Man, that made my day! I didn't know how much I needed a hug...and from someone so unexpected.

Anyway, things are looking brighter by the day. The divorce is progressing. We're currently discussing which mediator to use. I still have about 2% of me that will reconcile if that migically occurrs but right now that is not on the table. Too many dealbreakers in my STBXW that I doubt she is willing to change. The time has helped me take a step back and see them.

Thanks to everyone who gave me all the great advice early on. Someday when I have time I'll re-read my thread. I know the difference of 2 months will be incredible and it would not have been possible without all the help and support I received from all you wonderful people.

Thanks all!!!


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## happyman64

Glad you are on the mend.


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## CleanJerkSnatch

So much younger than your STBXW. My spidey sense is tingling, or something is. Younger is better, in your case.


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## victarion

Encouraging update!


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## Zomb

Hi inbadway, I was just reading your thread for the first time.... I am going through something similar now... I hope you are doing great now... Send some up-date if you can...


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