# Feeling emotionally disconnected during sex



## married14 (Sep 6, 2012)

Our marriage was "on the rocks" for several years because of his pot smoking and cigarette smoking which led to him being sick all of the time, falling asleep every night in front of the television and being completely out of tune with our family's emotions. Over time I became more and more detached although I could never leave him and found myself thinking about him and his behaviors obsessively. We fought often and dirty and he still has some serious anger issues when we argue often raising his voice and using profanity but I'm no pushover and as the mother of four boys (one from a previous relationship in my teens) I can and will hold my own. in fact in the very distant past our argument became violent because coming from an abusive household myself I always initiated physical aggression. In all actuality I'm only 5'6 and weigh about 135 lbs whereas my husband is 6 ft and weighs typically 180 lbs. He never hit me, not once. As I matured I sought therapy and stopped becoming overly aggressive and eventually learned to be much less emotional during arguments. But for him his escapism and verbal nastiness has been harder for him to overcome. This all came to a head when over the summer I took our children and stayed alone at a relatives house in another state. We barely spoke while we were separated. It was during this time that he became aware of the fact that he had been pushing me away...he stopped smoking both cigarettes and pot and when I came home he was eager to reconnect with me emotionally and show me that he was aware of his consistent pushing me away and that he was wanted to stop.

During the last five years we had very little sex. Even though I often craved it, he was never available emotionally and I always went to bed before him. He never made the effort to come to me and he was quite obviously suffering from depression. Anytime we did have sex I initiated it. He also used pornography and this upset me because he'd wait until I was asleep and then masturbate while looking at pictures of other women. I often fantasized about leaving him so that I could find someone else who would give me the physical and emotional attention I deserved and needed.

Of course the first thing that happened after he apologized for pushing me away was that we started having more sex! Yay!

But guess what? I'm having difficulty being emotionally connected during sex. I love sex to be sure but I can quickly get very turned off by the whole thing if my emotional state becomes confused and I start to feel detached and I have a hard time staying focused.


----------



## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

I think sometimes when people have anger/resentments built up, it makes it harder to connect emotionally, especially for women. My suggestion, if you feel it could be worth a shot, maybe you both need to get into some MC. Or maybe you go to IC. If you don't feel it will help, then perhaps its past the saving it stage, and it may be time to move on.


----------



## married14 (Sep 6, 2012)

Thanks trey69. I guess it would be helpful to say that I am committed to making my marriage work. I want my husband regardless of his foibles; I know I am not perfect by any stretch of the imagination. I have been in and out of therapy for many years because of family of origin's mental health issues and experiencing the violent death of my first boyfriend and I find it can be very helpful but I'm really inhibited when it comes to talking about my own sexuality. I tend to avoid it even and maybe especially in therapy.


----------



## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

How was your sex life before he turned into a pothead? Men generally will work pretty hard to avoid shame. It may be the shame of sexual rejection, or shame of other things you were bringing up in your nasty fights. Don't get me wrong here, I'm not entirely blaming you. It sounds like y'all got into a nasty cycle with each other. But I know when I started drinking more and grew detached from my wife it was an avoidance thing due to constant rejection and her attitudes about money.


----------

