# Using a soft startup to prevent an argument



## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

John Gottman is the leading expert in marital relatinships. He wrote a New York Times best-seller titled _The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work._ Gottman is big on communication within a marriage. One of the things he wrote in the book was:

"...discussions invariably end on the same note they begin. . . If you start an argument harshly--meaning you attack your spouse verbally--you'll end up with at least as much tension as you began. But if you use a softened startup--meaning you complain but don't criticize or otherwise attack your spouse--the discussion is likely to be productive. And if most of your arguments start softly, your marriage is likely to be stable and happy" (p.161).

Look closely at some of the recent arguments that have happened between you and your spouse. Did the argument start because you started the conversation in a harsh tone? Did you start off criticizing your spouse because of something done (or not done)? 

Gottman didn't say spouses shouldn't complain towards each other, he said they shouldn't criticize each other. In his book he identifies the difference between a complaint and a criticism. "A complaint only addresses the specific action at which your spouse failed. A criticism is more global--it adds on some negative words about your mate's character or personality."

"I'm really angry that you didn't sweep the kitchen floor last night. We agreed that we'd take turns doing it" is a complaint.

"Why are you so forgetful? I hate having to always sweep the kitchen floor when it's your turn. You just don't care" is a criticsim (p. 27-28). Gottman says that to turn a complaint into a criticism, you simply have to add 'What is wrong with you!?!'

Harsh startups are usually conversations that begin with a criticism or have a critical tone. Harsh startups are not at all beneficial to the marital relatioship. Soft startups on the other hand can help provide an healthy atmosphere for a needed conversation. Soft startups begin in a respectful tone and do not demean the spouse. They can begin with a complaint, but they are again respectful. Look at yourself and evaluate whether you are using a soft startup when addressing difficult issues with your spouse. If you are not, start practicing this skill now and watch how your communication changes drastically within your marriage.

Originally posted at Improve My Marriage


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

This makes much sense and is something I've learned on my own in the 16 years my husband and I have been together. He has also expressed appreciation for me coming right out and complaining about something rather than not speaking to him for hours and then blowing up on him. He called the latter, "...cultivating my own little ball of hate..." So I approach him as a friend would approach another friend when something is bothering me. Approaching your spouse as a friend, you would think, would be the norm since they are supposed to be your best friend. But instead, we get into the " me against you" frame of mind and it becomes like a game or even like you think your spouse is playing you and he isn't going to win.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I have a hard time not criticizing and personally attacking my H. I've gotten better since learning about boundaries but sometimes it still slips. Usually if I feel any hostility towards him I don't talk to him until I feel ok. That seems to help a lot.


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## Six (Jul 2, 2011)

My wife has a hard time (read: impossible) not getting defensive and angry whenever a VERY gently complaint is offered. I even preface it with, "These are just my feelings about it. I'm not saying it's the only perspective."

Furthermore, she gets angry and defensive if you just don't agree with her and share a differing perspective... again, even if in just a "matter of fact" manner.

So while this is a good strategy, for someone with esteem issues who has a complete inability to see things from various perspectives, this won't work. At all.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

I am guilty of criticizing, and I feel bad about it. It's definitely not malicious, but sometimes I see him as not caring about me and I end up saying that. So while I believe I'm trying to deliver the message gently, I can see that could be seen as critical.
Plus the things I get upset about are very touchy and personal to me and not sweeping the floor type things so it's hard to keep my emotions out of it. 
I try hard not to get upset about very small issues, and not sweat the small stuff.

I will try to state my complaint without being critical.

Is it OK to say I don't feel cared about? Rather then accusing your spouse of not caring?


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

Syrum said:


> I am guilty of criticizing, and I feel bad about it. It's definitely not malicious, but sometimes I see him as not caring about me and I end up saying that. So while I believe I'm trying to deliver the message gently, I can see that could be seen as critical.
> Plus the things I get upset about are very touchy and personal to me and not sweeping the floor type things so it's hard to keep my emotions out of it.
> I try hard not to get upset about very small issues, and not sweat the small stuff.
> 
> ...


I'll second that question; I suspect the blanket answer is yes, it's ok to say... but any more specific explanation of how to deal with Syrum's queries would be appreicated here too!


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

I used to bottle things up, I didn't even realize I was doing it. Then during those moody days, I would explode, started yelling and screaming. I am glad that I have a very smart husband, he used to tell me: If what I do is bothering you, just tell me, tell me, don't yell. When you start yelling, even though you are right, you have lost your ground. Just tell me what is bothering you, I didn't know that you were bothered. (for example, sometimes he spends a lot of time on the computer)

Now I just tell him right away, if his tone is not right, I tell him right away that I don't like his tone. Then I drop the subject and let him think, he gets the point, I don't need to repeat. 

We had one small argument last year, I was upset for one hour. We haven't had a fight this year.

I am pretty happy that I don't have arguments with him anymore!


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Oh green pearl, I keep things in too. I don't yell, but instead then that's when I think I am critical without meaning to be, I just want him to understand how I feel and to care about how I'm feeling. If that makes sense. But I'm impatient and want him to respond in a way I want right away and instead should probably tell him how I feel and just leave it and give him time.

Then if he kept ignoring my needs it's time to tell him he doesn't care.  But seriously I should give him lots of credit because he obviously does care, as when I let him know how I feel he does try to show me that I'm important and makes a very good effort.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Syrum said:


> Oh green pearl, I keep things in too. I don't yell, but instead then that's when I think I am critical without meaning to be, I just want him to understand how I feel and to care about how I'm feeling. If that makes sense. But I'm impatient and want him to respond in a way I want right away and instead should probably tell him how I feel and just leave it and give him time.
> 
> Then if he kept ignoring my needs it's time to tell him he doesn't care.  But seriously I should give him lots of credit because he obviously does care, as when I let him know how I feel he does try to show me that I'm important and makes a very good effort.


Syrum,

They do care!  They want us to be happy! 

Just they think differently from us, what bothers us doesn't bother them at all. It takes time for them to realize that. 

I do think we get offended easier than they do. Most men are quite easy going people, they don't get upset easily, we don't need to do much to keep them happy. Good with money, good meals, good sex, be respectful to them. If we have these main good qualities, they don't look for more. But we are different, we tend to let small things affect us, and they usually get lost! :scratchhead: We make too many circles to get to a point, they don't! So we have to be pretty straightforward with them! By talking to them!


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

greenpearl said:


> Syrum,
> 
> They do care!  They want us to be happy!
> 
> ...


You see there you go again GP, I spend much time feeling envious of you and your relationship and the rest amazed how submissive you appear (please note *appear* - obviously I don't know you or your h so I can't judge apart from from your posts!) ... and now you've used that word respectful once more. Please don't think I'm attempting to be sly fly or clever, but what on earth is different about the respect due to a man from his woman as opposed to the respect due to a woman from her man? What do YOU mean by be respectful? It might *just* save my relationship


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## Six (Jul 2, 2011)

I think the characterization of men as "simple-minded folk" with a lack of emotional depth is a cultural construct. I wonder if there's any research to support it.

I suggest this because it isn't universal. You will find certain cultures where females embody traits we assign to men in western cultures.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

madimoff said:


> You see there you go again GP, I spend much time feeling envious of you and your relationship and the rest amazed how submissive you appear (please note *appear* - obviously I don't know you or your h so I can't judge apart from from your posts!) ... and now you've used that word respectful once more. Please don't think I'm attempting to be sly fly or clever, but what on earth is different about the respect due to a man from his woman as opposed to the respect due to a woman from her man? What do YOU mean by be respectful? It might *just* save my relationship


Madimoff,

Actually respect goes both ways. 

In Chinese we have this idiom: They( the husband and the wife)respect each other like guests. 

When our guests come, we have big smiles; we talk with a sweet tone; we try to find out what is going on in their life; we try to be supportive if they are in trouble; we ask them what they like to eat, we serve them our best dishes, we don't say anything bad which might make them feel bad, etc. We do a lot of things just so our guests are happy, we want them to enjoy their time in our place. Guests only stay at our place for a short time, but a husband and a wife are meant to spend their life time together. So it is very difficult for us to be good all the time. But just think about the reward, if we get to spend our life time with a spouse who we love and who love us, it is worthwhile for us to put into the effort.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

I do think we get upset over too many things! 

We often interpret that they don't love us! 

For example, they forget our birthdays, they don't do much for Valentine's Day, they don't like one dish we cooked, they say we are getting heavy, they say we are not young anymore..................

If we let all these things bother us and we get offended, then we start a fight over something else, they usually get lost and don't know what's going on! 

Men call these fitness tests maybe! We test them to make sure they love us! In my opinion, the more tests we give, the more disappointed we become. So the best thing for us to do, don't test them or don't expect them to give us the answers we want.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Syrum said:


> Is it OK to say I don't feel cared about? Rather then accusing your spouse of not caring?


I used to say this a lot but I've found its unproductive. It's vague and a blanket statement which has always left my H feeling frustrated. My H needs guidance that is more specific. The problem with saying something like "i feel you don't care about me" to my H is he will get defensive because he has no idea what to do with that. It doesn't mean anything to him as far as how he can change it, plus to him it discounts all the times he put a lot of effort into caring for me.

I've found its more productive to stick to the Now with corrections. For example my H is constantly making demeaning sarcastic jokes towards me. When he says those things I do feel he doesn't care about me but I have found that its pointless and unproductive to say that. I simply say, "if you keep saying those things I'm not going to want to be around you." In another example he is constantly pulling on me and I simply telling him if he continues I also wont be around him. He also comes home and goes straight to his computer and spends all night there which again, i feel like he doesn't care about me, but instead I asked him if he would be willing to limit his computer use in the evenings. 

I have found this approach to be very effective. It eliminates arguments and assumptions. It doesn't assume anything about him or his intentions, simply states my boundaries. It makes the conversation concrete and there is objectives that both parties can actually see.


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

madimoff said:


> I'll second that question; I suspect the blanket answer is yes, it's ok to say... but any more specific explanation of how to deal with Syrum's queries would be appreicated here too!





Syrum said:


> Is it OK to say I don't feel cared about? Rather then accusing your spouse of not caring?


I don't think I responded to this earlier. YES, I absolutely think it is okay to say how you are feeling as long you are not criticizing your spouse. "I am feeling lonely" comes across much differently than "You never do anything for me."


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I am generally a "Soft start up" woman -with him anyway. I am worse with the kids. 

Our last argument was me asking questions (generally what happens) and learning he HID more of his HURT with me about our past sex life than he originally let on , and of coarse I wanted to know WHY he did that. I did not criticize him for that at all, I want THAT deep OPENNESS -even if it may be hard to hear, even if it might hurt me. 

He let me know he WANTED me to feel REJECTED back then, He got a little annoyed with me when I laughed , cause I had NO idea he even was trying to do that! He gave in every time I came on to him, he reminded me I had to ask a couple times, it still never dawned on me he was trying to "hurt me". It again brought me back to that time when I 1st learned the magnitude of his suffering in silence. I started crying, then I got a little mad, just bringing me back to WHY OH WHY did he allow these things! he should have been raising the roof with me, many emotions over how that must have been for him, to want me to feel his pain, what he lost, and ultimetly we lost together. 

Now, I am NOT someone who wants to be OVERLY SENSITIVE so my husband fears talking to me & clams up, shuts down. That is the LAST thing in the world I need, nor do I want to come at him with full blasting criticisms cause I know that destroys his spirit and NEVER helps anything, and would further destroy his *VULNERABILITY *with me. These things are paramount in a thriving marraige. 

We've talked about this - He has told me he never minds me telling him what I want, or HOW I FEEL about something (he knows I WANT that from him also), even if I get a little demanding at times (which I have), a little feisty about it -he said he even enjoys that, so long as it only reaches "a certain threshold , not too fierce, and NOT putting him down". 

When we do argue and have out little fights (I seem to be most susceptable during pms, like a cloud hovering over my brain) - I won't leave his side until I build him back up again-if I have hurt him by my words (I am not perfect) , and he never leaves my side until we are "kosher" with each other, we know we are stuck with each other (and we wouldn't have it any other way)- he always reminds me "I am a Lover, not a fighter", and asks me if I enjoy wasting our time when we could be doing other things.  


I think one of the biggest hinderances is ......for so many people, they ARE over sensitive and even if one spouse is TRYING to do it the RIGHT way, the soft way, the non accusing way - but just stating his or her feelings before the other - it OFFENDS them, like an attack. There is NO way to deal with this, it is like having your hands tied behind your back. 

Some people you seriously have to walk on egg shells with -and this is AS MUCH of a DETRIMENT to communication as being overly Critical. 

I count it a blessing in a very high degree that Me & mine know we can say literally ANYTHING to each other (sometimes good, sometimes bad, sometimes UGLY) , we have WEAK MOMENTS !! But we recognize the words do not line up with how we truly feel, it was the heat of a bad moment. And forgivenss is so much more important than dwelling on a careless delivery.

We've all been there. But it is beautiful to learn how to avoid these pit falls in our heated moments, it will only help us in marraige.


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

Simply Amorous,
I completely agree. Isn't there a saying that goes something like "It is not very wise to take offense when there was no intention to offend in the first place."


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