# Why my marriage is sexless ...



## OnraSR (Feb 7, 2012)

Hello all,

I'm a man and I know this is ladies lounge, but saw a few topics on this so thought I'd share my perspective here, as my marriage is basically sexless and it is my doing. I thought this may add to your understanding, and maybe we can speak through some of my issues as well.

So we're low 40's, together 25yrs with 2 kids 12 and 7. We have sex less than 10 times per year.

1. We've had so much trouble in out marriage over the years and I feel she nags and b*tches constantly that when it's time to lay with her I just can't feel intimate.

2. I've developed a drinking problem (yes I know this isn't good). I don't get drunk and scream and break stuff, I just drink while watching TV then pass out. However on the rare occasion she comes in and wants to try to do stuff, I often have trouble performing due to being drunk.

3. I have a physical job. I'm often in pain or extremely tired

4. And this is the biggest factor IMO, our youngest sleeps in the middle of us, every night. She has her own bedroom but for whatever reason won't leave our bed and wife doesn't want to change that.

I've explained to her that maybe if there wasn't a child between us we can be spontaneous now and then instead of scheduling and planning it around kids being occupied so it feels like a chore. She seems to agree, I guess it's hard to deny this is an issue ... but refuses to change the situation.

Bottom line I'm not making excuses or blaming her. I take full ownership of this. 

I just wanted to post that here to give you ladies a bit of insight into what may be in the mind of a husband that isn't wanting sex.

If you guys want to discuss feel free I'll check back whenever I can.

Thank you and sorry to barge into the ladies room


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Your wife probably doesn't care that you're not sleeping with her. You get drunk until you pass out every night and you just consider her a nag. Not exactly sexy. That kid in bed is her buffer.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I offer this advice with some trepidation: Onra's story is not pleasant. 

Read the other thread, there is a reason he is self tranquilizing. 
@OnraSR , Get Help.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Frankly, after reading your previous threads, I'm shocked she would want to stay married to or have sex with you at all. You do not paint yourself in any flattering light.


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## Chaotic (Jul 6, 2013)

After reading your previous threads, I'm shocked you two are still married. It sounds completely toxic and miserable for you both. So you're staying together for the kids?? Dude. You only have one life. You could be happier than this.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, you and your wife don't like each other. It's hard to get excited about sex with someone you don't like and who, clearly, doesn't like you very much either.

Honestly, that seems pretty standard. Unless _both_ partners are naturally very high-drive _and_ don't view sex as having an emotional component, unhappy marriages where the spouses don't treat one another well tend to be fairly lacking in terms of a healthy sex life.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

What you have is incarceration. It's certainly not a marriage. Beyond getting drunk being "not good" it's also an extremely self-destructive way to cope with a crap marriage. But I suppose you already know that.

ETA: This may be your mindset as to why you have a sexless marriage, but your way of handling it is bogus. Sitting in front of the tube getting trashed is avoiding the problems you have. If that's how you wish to avoid reality, fine by me. Just realize your "reasons" are lame. Seriously.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You realize that children pick up on dysfunction and tend to repeat it when they’re adults, right?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

OnraSR said:


> I just wanted to post that here to give you ladies a bit of insight into what may be in the mind of a husband that isn't wanting sex.


There is no great revelation here and no special insight. You two have a very dysfunctional relationship and you don’t even like each other.

And it’s not that you don’t want sex. If about any other woman presented herself to you, you would drop to your knees and thank your lucky stars. 

It’s not that you don’t want sex, it’s that you have an environment where a healthy sexual dynamic cannot exist.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

OnraSR said:


> 4. And this is the biggest factor IMO, our youngest sleeps in the middle of us, every night. She has her own bedroom but for whatever reason won't leave our bed and wife doesn't want to change that.
> 
> I've explained to her that maybe if there wasn't a child between us we can be spontaneous now and then instead of scheduling and planning it around kids being occupied so it feels like a chore. She seems to agree, I guess it's hard to deny this is an issue ...


And this is VERY dysfunctional and disturbing. 

Your wife is using your daughter as a buffer to keep you away from her and you are the one allowing it. 

This is VERY damaging to your daughter.

When she is 18-19 years old and twirking it on the stripper pole and doing BJs out in the parking lot to bring home meth money for her abusive, unemployed, deadbeat, baby daddy, you are going to have this to look back on.

You two are damaging your children with this Jerry Springer escapade.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

> And this is the biggest factor IMO, our youngest sleeps in the middle of us, every night. She has her own bedroom but for whatever reason won't leave our bed and wife doesn't want to change that.


Nah, that's just an excuse. My oldest slept in our bed until he was 9, as did his sister for a number of years, we still had sex. Currently we have a 4 year old and a (almost) 2 month old in our bed. Still manage to have sex.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

OnraSR said:


> Hello all,
> 
> I'm a man and I know this is ladies lounge, but saw a few topics on this so thought I'd share my perspective here, as my marriage is basically sexless and it is my doing. I thought this may add to your understanding, and maybe we can speak through some of my issues as well.
> 
> ...


I hope you aren't implying that the women who have husbands who aren't interested in sex with them should consider YOUR reasons...because you are WRONG, they shouldn't. 

YOU are the only one who can fix the things in your life that make you unhappy. Until you do, you won't be happy.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Hey brother- in all honesty this sounds like it's all on you. There's no better way to shut down a nagging, complaining wife than by giving her what she needs- lol. Further, you must be "self medicating" because no hot blooded dude could conscientiously object to sex with his loving (albeit nagging) wife. 

Why don't you kick off an extra hour early (once per week) and show up with a rented movie for the kids and a promise to pick up dinner after you shower and make passionate love to her (while the kids are watching rented video). 

Another option, get home from work and tell older kid to watch younger kid while you and mom "go get cleaned up for dinner out". Again, you put the nagging lady in the shower and then just follow her in. Then after you've had your way and gotten cleaned up- take everyone out to dinner.

If you do this properly- I bet she won't nag for the rest of the night! Repeat as often as necessary- lol.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

CatholicDad said:


> Hey brother- in all honesty this sounds like it's all on you. There's no better way to shut down a nagging, complaining wife than by giving her what she needs- lol. Further, you must be "self medicating" because no hot blooded dude could conscientiously object to sex with his loving (albeit nagging) wife.
> 
> Why don't you kick off an extra hour early (once per week) and show up with a rented movie for the kids and a promise to pick up dinner after you shower and make passionate love to her (while the kids are watching rented video).
> 
> ...


If only this worked for the majority of sexless spouses...I don't know if you've ever been up against a truly unwilling wife and hard refusal...it's demoralizing and very difficult to overcome. Or you could have a spouse who won't refuse directly, but refuses to enjoy it or allow you to believe they are enjoying it.

Again...it can be impossible to overcome...which means maybe there should be a limit to how hard you try...maybe the message that the refusing spouse is giving should be granted...


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

bobert said:


> Nah, that's just an excuse. My oldest slept in our bed until he was 9, as did his sister for a number of years, we still had sex. Currently we have a 4 year old and a (almost) 2 month old in our bed. Still manage to have sex.


I just know I'm going to regret asking this: are you having sex while the children are in the bed with you?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Blondilocks said:


> I just know I'm going to regret asking this: are you having sex while the children are in the bed with you?


Ew... um, that would be a no. I mean, we've done it with a baby in the _room_, asleep, when they are too little too know. But children in the bed with us? Wtf. No.

I think I'm more concerned that you actually thought I was going to say yes to that... I know I have bad decision making skills but not that bad!


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

bobert said:


> Ew... um, that would be a no. I mean, we've done it with a baby in the _room_, asleep, when they are too little too know. But children in the bed with us? Wtf. No.
> 
> I think I'm more concerned that you actually thought I was going to say yes to that... I know I have bad decision making skills but not that bad!


Oh, thank you! I was afraid you were going to say yes and then I would have to compose a big ol' lecture between bouts of upchucking. One can't take anything for granted on this site.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

LisaDiane said:


> If only this worked for the majority of sexless spouses...I don't know if you've ever been up against a truly unwilling wife and hard refusal...it's demoralizing and very difficult to overcome. Or you could have a spouse who won't refuse directly, but refuses to enjoy it or allow you to believe they are enjoying it.
> 
> Again...it can be impossible to overcome...which means maybe there should be a limit to how hard you try...maybe the message that the refusing spouse is giving should be granted...


I’ve got more kids and babies in my bed now and for the past two and a half decades than probably anyone on TAM and I never got resentful or thought my sex life was over because of it. Sex can happen anytime and almost anywhere if you want it to... and I think the hubby has to step up and make it happen. Drinking yourself to sleep never works...


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

CatholicDad said:


> I’ve got more kids and babies in my bed now and for the past two and a half decades than probably anyone on TAM and I never got resentful or thought my sex life was over because of it. Sex can happen anytime and almost anywhere if you want it to... and I think the hubby has to step up and make it happen. Drinking yourself to sleep never works...


I agree with you, but you didn't really address my point. I was speaking generally about what you said here (and in other posts) about how you can overcome the resistance of someone who makes it CLEAR that they have NO interest in connecting sexually with you...your advice is really good IF you have a partner who still wants and enjoys sex with you, but many (if not MOST) times, the partner is refusing because they really have NO interest. And then your advice will never work...sadly.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

LisaDiane said:


> I agree with you, but you didn't really address my point. I was speaking generally about what you said here (and in other posts) about how you can overcome the resistance of someone who makes it CLEAR that they have NO interest in connecting sexually with you...your advice is really good IF you have a partner who still wants and enjoys sex with you, but many (if not MOST) times, the partner is refusing because they really have NO interest. And then your advice will never work...sadly.


I’m sure you’re going right.. just not the feel I get here.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

So you drink every night, get drunk and pass-out? That would be enough for me to leave. Then you call her a nag? Wow! No wonder your marriage has problems. My suggestion is you need to look at yourself and stop blaming others. Look into counseling for yourself and marriage counseling for the two of you.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

AVR1962 said:


> So you drink every night, get drunk and pass-out? That would be enough for me to leave. Then you call her a nag? Wow! No wonder your marriage has problems. My suggestion is you need to look at yourself and stop blaming others. Look into counseling for yourself and marriage counseling for the two of you.


In your previous posts you talk about your Friday nights out and the desire to go clubbing when she did not want. The rocky foundations of your marriage started there. Married men should not act like single men when they get married. I sense there is much more to your Friday nights out. You reap what you sow and I think you have sowed a lot of discord and unmet expectations in your marriage. (But blame it on everyone else). Clean up your act first. Drinking till you pass out it totally unattractive and a divorce worthy behavior. You are not husband material by the looks of it.


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