# Wife left with stepson, this sucks



## jadanz (Oct 10, 2011)

Hello,

I've been married for less than a year and my wife has a 12-year old son (my step son). I also have a 5 year old son from a previous marriage.

Over the course of our relationship, I've always noticed that she is extremely negative towards her son, consistently yelling at him, calling him names, etc. Obviously, this should have been a big red flag, but I guess I just didn't realize the severity of it.

Things have been getting progressively worse. I've seen my wife slap him across the face on several occasions while trying to get him to "focus" (he is diagnosed with combined type ADHD and a previous doctor suggested he may have Aspergers).

On a daily basis, my wife will scream and yell at him, belittle him, ignores him, yet controls his every action. Specifically, she says things like "You're so ######6 slow", "Hurry the ###$ up!", "Get out of the shower now!", "Are you stupid?", "Don't put your hand like that, it looks gay", "Stop acting like an idiot!", "Hurry up or I'm leaving you here!"... the list goes on. If he takes too long in the shower, she will stand in the bathroom and tell him to get out, even if he says he doesn't want to get out naked, she says I don't care - "Get the ###$ out!".

As I say, he has ADHD and has a severe problem focusing and very poor social skills. We've tried placing him in school programs designed for this, putting him in military camp (turned out to be a good experience), and now put him in private school. However, the same problems occur with our son not being able to focus, causing lots of disruptions in school, and extreme difficulty in communicating how he feel's (for now obvious reasons).

His primary doctor suggested we have an psychological assessment done to find out exactly what's going on. I've also confronted my wife about how she really needs to stop yelling and belittling him so often (all day long) and that she should go to counselling or we can go together.

She is basically in complete denial of any of her actions. I found a great doctor to perform the assessment, and she won't hear it. She blames me for everything. Every discussion turns into how I am a horrible person and how dare I suggest that she needs to get help. How I wasted her time, because I found someone, while she was still looking, etc. etc. Things spiraled out of control the other day, she was screaming so loud, going nuts, because our son (still not sure what he did), but talked to her in a way she didn't like. She was slamming doors, threatening to kill herself, and leave (with or without her son), I said if she even tries to take him like this I will call child protective services (I didn't mean it as a threat, she was seriously going NUTS, over nothing), after that, she went NUTSx10, without digging into details... I called the police. They came, and could clearly see that she was off. We spoke briefly, but there wasn't anything they could exactly do, but suggested I contact the crisis center if things continue.

Things have continued. She continues to yell and belittle, but now she is extremely resentful for me calling the police. I can't say a single thing (related to all of this, or what do you want for dinner, or anything) without her ripping me a new one. 

So, we are at a point where our son needs an assessment done - he has his own set of issues, related and un-related to his mom's abuse, but she tells me "to just do it yourself", but I can't. I will pay for everything, that's not the issue, but she has legal custody and the doctor won't allow me to schedule it. She also won't schedule therapy for herself and just yells at me with a million excuses if I ask how the search is going.

I've called the crisis center and they suggested I call CPS and file a report, regarding the emotional abuse and slapping. They also said to go to the commissioner and file for an emergency petition for mental health order.

Before resorting to this, I have contacted his school and informed them of what's been going on. I've contacted CPS, and discussed the situation with them, prior to filing a report. Their advice was to get in contact with his father to see what he is committed to doing, he's not very much involved - but WAS still involved. About two months ago, his mother refused to let his father see him. He has been trying to get in touch with him (he lives out of state) for quite a while, but his mother would not allow it, and give excuses to call his cell phone (knowing that he never uses his cell phone) and she would also ignore his calls.

I spoke to him and he said he will see what he can do to try and gain visitation, but it didn't sound very convincing. CPS also suggested to continue working with her family, to build a support system and get her help. Her family had been supportive all along, admitting that she has major anger problems and they understand completely. We sat down and discussed the best action to take. Her brother wanted to try and get through to her on his own, so we decided that he would attempt to get through to her and we agreed that we all need to keep in communication with what is going on (this was two days ago). 

Yesterday, my wife said she is staying at her parents house (where her brother also lives). She said that she is tired of my "mental abuse" towards her, and she expressed how angry she is about me saying I would have to call CPS, when she threatened to take her son with her during her episode and for calling the police on her. I asked about my step son and what her plan is, for me to not see him? and she said that she is undecided if she will allow me to see him. Her whole family, have been expressing fear that CPS would take him away. I re-assured them that that's not the case and that they will simply mediate at this point, set us up with therapy, etc. However, everyone is still so focused on CPS and how I "threatened" to call them.

I haven't heard any response back from her family regarding what's been going on, and now my wife has left, taken her step-son, refuses to let me see him, and now saying I am mentally abusing her (first mention of that to me).

I sent an email to her family, expressing that just three days ago we sat down with a commitment to work together for the greater goal - getting her help, now things have gotten worse and she is staying with you and I have no clarity into what is going on.

I've yet to hear a response from them. It's clear to me that their "commitment", was likely just talk.

I spoke to my wife yesturday and found out that her brother showed her our emails between the two of us, emails that were completely unsensored, candid, honest, and insensitive. Not only that, he said to her that I mentioned I would adopt my step son (implying I want her son to be taken away). That was NEVER the case. They were in fear of CPS taking him away, I kept explaining that in our area, for this case, that would NEVER happen, I said, even if it did, then I can adopt him and he'll be right back, but it wouldn't happen. That translated to, "He said he will adopt your son" So, my wife has seen all of these emails that she never should have seen, I probably never should have wrote them, however I was under the impression that we were being fully open, for the purpose of fully understanding the problem and getting her help - I guess not.

I've been thrown under the bus by her family, my wife is severally hurt, which I completely understand and feel horrible about. I never wanted things to get this way and she NEVER should have seen those emails. I really do love her, even with these issues, however, these issues needed to be addressed and changes needed to be made.

We've had a few communications, but nothing serious, she is deciding what she wants to do.

I know I need to give her space, and I will try my best... I have sent an email to let her know that I'm really sorry she is hurt and I am sorry that I caused that, that I really just wanted to get her help and support from everyone. Things really spiraled out of control. I never should have involved her family in this. But I felt I had their support and that with their support we would be more effective in helping her. I miss her, I want her back, I want to work through this problem together.. 

Any suggestions for what I should do? Should I even want her back? Should I send her flowers? Should I just continue apologizing and letting her know how much I care about her, and hope she comes back, then attempt to resolve the issues?

Thank you!


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## Mindful Coach (Sep 15, 2011)

Um, call CPS. You were acting in the interest of this child, why on earth are you apologizing for that? She left you instead of doing what was needed to do to break the cycle of extreme emotional and mental abuse, and now the child is obviously defenseless as you and his father aren't anywhere in the picture. 

Call the father, call whoever you need to call. Do not apologize to her one more time. That poor young man needs help and she's not providing it for him. Someone needs to make sure it happens and quivering for her forgiveness is not going to solve that situation as it has gone on under your own nose for this entire time now.


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## jadanz (Oct 10, 2011)

Mindful Coach said:


> Um, call CPS. You were acting in the interest of this child, why on earth are you apologizing for that? She left you instead of doing what was needed to do to break the cycle of extreme emotional and mental abuse, and now the child is obviously defenseless as you and his father aren't anywhere in the picture.
> 
> Call the father, call whoever you need to call. Do not apologize to her one more time. That poor young man needs help and she's not providing it for him. Someone needs to make sure it happens and quivering for her forgiveness is not going to solve that situation as it has gone on under your own nose for this entire time now.


I know, your right.. I'm wondering if I made it out worse than it is, but I don't think so, I know what I hear. She doesn't belittle EVERY day, but just about, and she yells/controls daily, without question. I'm only aware of her slapping him a few times, but why am I making excuses as though that's not "that bad"? It should never happen, I would never do it, and he has serious emotional problems. Obviously, a result from her crap.

I feel maybe I am hurt because I really felt were on page with her family to get her help, band together, once and for all, united, and confront her with the issue, recognize it's not acceptable, and show our support to push her into seeking help - one way or another. Then, a day goes by, BLAM, stabbed in the back.

I called the father, he is supposedly looking into what he can do. however, he has contacted her brother and she has now contacted the father, so I have no idea what picture is being painted or what is going on. The father's mother told me that my wife said he can "see his son over her dead body", I asked him if she said that, and he beat around the bush sort of, it's like everyone, they tip toe, make excuses "we all say things when we're angry", but some things are just not anywhere near acceptable, and if said, should be quickly addressed. But the father is very passive, so we'll see. 

She is staying at her parents house (with her brother, his wife, and their two kids), I know my stepson is not in any immediate danger, and CPS won't do anything. They would have however, if her family and I, filed multiple reports requesting mediation. But, that's no longer an option. She has also mentioned that she will be going to therapy. So, maybe in the end, it will have been me having to sacrifice our marriage and all the good times I do actually have with her and my stepson, in order for her to be a better mother. It just never should have come down to this.


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## Mindful Coach (Sep 15, 2011)

The family will find out on their own as your wife will not be able to "play nice" in front of them for too long. Make sure they know you are available. 

You all ready have a relationship with the child's school and CPS from before she left. MAKE SURE they know she is with holding medical testing suggested by his physician and how since it's suspected that he may have aspergers that this is a real concern because he is currently not receiving any treatment for that. Also, let them know she left because she was afraid CPS was going to take the child and that she said you are not to see him and you are afraid this is going to be traumatizing to him since had a relationship with him.

Keep talking and telling everyone you can. She can make claims against you, but trust me, the professionals are going to see through all of that as long as you keep in close contact with them. Make sure they know your sole interest is in making sure this child is okay whether you are able to see him again or not. 

It is a shame that it's come down to this. It sounds as if you were living with that abuse for quite some time before you started to speak up. I would suggest you seek counseling yourself as well. I know the good times were probably really good, but these other times need addressed and apparently you are the one that wants to truly see this child get the help he needs.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

Yes, I have some suggestions. Run away. Run away as far and as fast as you can. You have exactly zero legal standing with respect to your step son, as you have discovered. From your desription of things, you state that your wife is now "accusing you of mental abuse." If you stick around, you will learn that, while you have zero legal standing with your step son, your wife has just unbelievable legal standing with you.

You called the police, and they showed up and said, basically, "sorry, we can't do anything." If SHE comes back, and ends up calling the cops, there is a good chance you will go to jail, whether you did anything or not.

You've only been married to this person for a year. You don't have any children with her. You have your own child, but do you REALLY want your child to be around this kind of behavior?

You have also learned that blood is thicker than water- her family has their own twisted view of "normal," and it is incompatible with your view, so they are not going to support your efforts to make your wife get counselling or anything else.

What you do is, of course, entirely up to you, but rather than saying "Wife left with stepson, this sucks," I would change the name of the thread to something like "Thank God I figured out she was crazy after only 1 year had passed, I'm escaping now!"


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## jadanz (Oct 10, 2011)

Thank you for the comments. I've been going to therapy for myself, just had my 3rd session earlier. We're beginning to realize how I have a pattern of falling for someone, for legitimate reasons, I really did have a connection with her, but, ignoring the other factors and assuming that I can fix them. The thinking that - It's worth it, I will just fix those other things.

Clearly, I've learned that you can't fix people. It's sad, I really do care for her, even though she is all that I say. If you can imagine someone with split personality, on one side, she is funny, smart, attractive, witty, shares similar interests, really became a best friend. But, on the other side, is in deep emotional pain, that causes anger and irrational thinking. Unfortunately, that side, has consumed far too much of our life. I was a fool to think I could "fix" it or that I could ignore and live with it. This is a similar case to my first marriage, for which I have a son, which I now have sole custody of. It appears I'm making the same mistake again, while different in my connection to her, similar in my neglect of my own self interest.

Thanks for your candid advice. I still have trouble calling her crazy, because I know why she acts the way she does, her whole family does. So I make the excuse that it's not her fault, she needs help, and I focus on her good side. Dammit - I'm doing it again. It's bitter sweet.


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## RunningOnEmpty (Aug 29, 2010)

What are your goals?

A crazy alternative, is to play nice with her. Take her back. And then convince her to let you adopt your stepson.

At that point you will be legally able to help him. This would mean that you'd be on the hook for CS when you divorce her.

It sucks that the kid is in that situation with such a horrible mother. But not sure how much you can/should/want to do.


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## jadanz (Oct 10, 2011)

Goals... well, my original goal was get help for my stepson and help for my wife to realize what she's doing. But, now, after some therapy, after sort of accepting that you can't force people to change, I think the goal is just doing what is best for myself.

That's yet to be determined though. It could include my wife and stepson, if she is fully committed to changing, if not, then we'll be apart, and hopefully she'll allow me to continue be a part of his life. But if not, nothing I can do about it. Adoption isn't likely realistic, and I'm so not sure I would even want the responsibility to be honest, can't save the world. His mom has been his only parent for 12 years, they still have a connection, even if it's clouded by her anger and criticalness.

If we're apart, then it will be the bitter sweet. Because, I will certainly miss the other half of her and hope that my stepson is doing well. But, have to do what works for me ultimately, that's where the mistakes have been being made.


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