# How do you deal with this



## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

It has been sometime since I have been to this site. My wife had an affair that lasted about a year and ended in2011. We have reconciled but I find myself in turmoil once and awhile. 

Most recently a close friend has come to me and told me that he and his wife are divorcing. His wife had a work affair with someone I knew pretty well. I would have never believed that these two people would betray their marriage. I know the betrayed spouses very well and I find myself very angry.

I should shrug it off and say not my monkeys not my circus but I found myself awake a three am today angry and once again angry with my wife.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

My wife had a six month long affair, also with a coworker. After some time I needed to speak with someone, I chose my sister. My sister tells me she has been having an affair for fourteen years. Anger, yeah I'd say so. Seeing your friend divorce will be difficult, anger and all the other emotions will come to the surface for you. Is your reconciliation strong and in a good place? Was your wife friends with the WS in your friends marriage and know of the affair? I would think if your wife knew anything of the affair this just may cripple your reconciliation. I don't know your story, but in my case I would talk to my wife, and offer support to your friend.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

mahike said:


> It has been sometime since I have been to this site. My wife had an affair that lasted about a year and ended in2011. We have reconciled but I find myself in turmoil once and awhile.
> 
> Most recently a close friend has come to me and told me that he and his wife are divorcing. His wife had a work affair with someone I knew pretty well. I would have never believed that these two people would betray their marriage. I know the betrayed spouses very well and I find myself very angry.
> 
> I should shrug it off and say not my monkeys not my circus but I found myself awake a three am today angry and once again angry with my wife.


Sounds like your friend's experience is triggering you. That could be normal, or it could be a sign you still haven't fully processed your wife's affair. 

Some triggers hit harder than others. This one hit you close to home. If things have been going well with you and your wife, just bring it up to her. If it's just a trigger, the pain should be an echo of your past pain. Nowhere near as bad, but not fun. Discuss your feelings, and check in with her. 

If you have been suppressing resentment, and haven't fully reconciled the events and emotions surrounding your wife's affair. That's called rugsweeping. Triggers like these will bring everything back to the surface. You need to deal with this or real reconciliation is not possible.


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## Annette Tush (May 4, 2016)

Tough one indeed... but it is normal. You need to ask yourself whether you completely forgave her, why you forgave her, and if you are truly committed to this. Also, not that it is a valid reason, but could you have in a way led her to cheating? I know this is not an excuse but it could also help you deal with it better. Focus on her great points and why you need to make this work. But it will never be over, occasionally, you will drift into this space, but it all depends on how you deal with it.... Sorry about this.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Mamike,

I suspect you never forgave your W perhaps.....

Your W continues to maintain flirty relationships with others.

Never told you the truth about her affair, but continues to deny.

Still lies about things

Did you confront the OM?

Did you expose the OM?

Does your W have any contact with the OM of any kind?

How close does the OM live to you?

Tamat


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

Others are making some good suggestions and thoughts on this, my perspective:

Bought a Heavy Bag, when I trigger I use it, Keeps the arms in shape and lets me get rid of my aggression. I have read a lot of suggestions here and some work some don 't.

Once you are Betrayed by the person who was suppose to be the closest to you it does not ever go away, at least for me. It is in that little closet back in your mind that it is always banging to get out and a time, place or event can open that door and unfortunately YOU have to deal with it.

I know that some will say that the WS needs to do the heavy lifting and in a lot of cases they have and they built a new relationship but what died was the original relationship and that will never be there again and that is what will never be or what it could have become the hurt will always be there.

Yes, those who reconcile have a new relationship but they also have the scars that will never go away.

We are people who form ourselves over time from our experiences. I see more issues today with people who know recognize and suffer from PTSD from an event in the past. To destroy one's belief and internal commitment love and marriage is a traumatic event

Old TV show "Kung Foo" Master always told Grasshopper you need to find the Path and everyone has a different path. 

My suggestion is to sit down and journal your thoughts, actions, reactions and what you want. Read it over. If you feel you can discuss it with your SO, you have the list so you won't forget anything and regret not talking about it, do it if the SO is receptive. If you feel you need someone else look for an IC.

In a lot of cases we want Restitution, IT IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN! NOTHING CAN MAKE UP FOR THIS BETRAYAL! You need to find a new Normal or Move on.

You need to find your own path.

Sorry you are here, there are too many of us.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

I'm not familiar with your story. Do you and your wife have a healthy R? Has she done the things that a remorseful spouse SHOULD do? Assuming so, you simply have to see this as a trigger and nothing more. Unless these people were complicit in your wife's affair, this has no bearing on your R with your wife. 

You don't need to throw this in your wife's face, but she certainly should see it as a trigger for you and should work to make you feel safe. You should drop these cheaters from your life and offer your own support to the spouses who were cheated on. You know what they are going through and can help them. 

To put it in very basic terms:

If you get kicked in the nuts it hurts like hell. Later, when you see someone else get kicked in the nuts, you can feel their pain and you might even have some hatred for the person who kicked them. It's normal and a natural reaction. But you can't go back to the guy who kicked you years ago and demand a new apology for something he was not involved with. Your wife should support you here. But, don't take this out on her unless she acts like a douche bag over it.


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

I think is totally normal and if you and your wife are in good R and status I would say try yo stay away from it, an affair brings some sort of trauma to the betrayed that will stay with u forever

Sent from my SM-T700 using Tapatalk


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## Maxo (Mar 8, 2016)

Annette Tush said:


> Tough one indeed... but it is normal. You need to ask yourself whether you completely forgave her, why you forgave her, and if you are truly committed to this. Also, not that it is a valid reason, but could you have in a way led her to cheating? I know this is not an excuse but it could also help you deal with it better. Focus on her great points and why you need to make this work. But it will never be over, occasionally, you will drift into this space, but it all depends on how you deal with it.... Sorry about this.


Led her to cheating? How does one do that?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

With divorce papers.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

R has been pretty good, The couple that had the affair are people I have worked with for years. The woman I would go so far as to say is very much extended family to me. My wife and I had no clue that this was going on. The woman has been married to her stbxh for 25 years. No kids The man and his stbxw were married for 28 years. Kids and now grandkids. 

I am very disappointed in the woman and am very angry with her and what she is putting her husband through and I guess the anger comes from understanding the pain and all the crap that goes with it. 

As far as my wife and I things are pretty good except for the sex put I do take into account this is due to health issues right now.

I think this has a lot to do with empathy and disappointment. I am avoiding her right now because of my anger.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Mahike,

I’m interested in what reason your W gives for not being able to have the same enthusiasm for sex with you that she did for the OM?

I know for quite a few BHs, myself included, this is the issue which will never go away. And I never get a consistent answer from my W either.

Tamat


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## Annette Tush (May 4, 2016)

Maxo said:


> Led her to cheating? How does one do that?


One does that by doing many things (or not doing many things) including not fulfilling their sexual duties, no respect, ignoring their partner. In other words, there are so many reasons spouse cheat, some which are partner driven.....


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Annette Tush said:


> One does that by doing many things (or not doing many things) including not fulfilling their sexual duties, no respect, ignoring their partner. In other words, there are so many reasons spouse cheat, some which are partner driven.....


only you can prevent forest fires.


no one causes their spouse to cheat. they could have divorced and took the high road instead of being a low moral person and cheat.


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## Annette Tush (May 4, 2016)

chillymorn said:


> only you can prevent forest fires.
> 
> 
> no one causes their spouse to cheat. they could have divorced and took the high road instead of being a low moral person and cheat.


If you read my first post very well, I explicitly stated that there is (should) no excuse for cheating. While that is true, unfortunately we are human. It happens. A spouse can push you to do certain things. And if you have been around for sometime, you must have seen these things happen. And in most cases, both partners owning up what they could have contributed to the mess makes the healing process easier....


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## Maxo (Mar 8, 2016)

Annette Tush said:


> If you read my first post very well, I explicitly stated that there is (should) no excuse for cheating. While that is true, unfortunately we are human. It happens. A spouse can push you to do certain things. And if you have been around for sometime, you must have seen these things happen. And in most cases, both partners owning up what they could have contributed to the mess makes the healing process easier....


This is extremely naive, IMO.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

It's probably not her cheating that's haunting you now.

It's all the ghosts.

She's still not treating you properly and you resent her, and for good reason.

Reconcilation after an affair is a recipe for lifelong suffering. 

I just don't see any good reason for it. 

Sure it isn't as painful as ripping off the band aid might be, at first. It's more of a chronic pain that never goes away and sometimes ignites into full blown inflammation.

It's never too late to cut the cord.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Mahike, I know that this may seem late in the day but here it is:

Your wife was never attracted to you as much as she was to the POSOM! That is the simple truth that came out of all your threads over the past 5 years. She was more excited by him, freer with him in her sexual thoughts and actions than she ever was with you and I have a feeling that you know this. She stayed with you because it was more convenient - the POSOM had his own life to get on with.


There was (and is) no doubt in my mind that you should never have reconciled. This isn't a reconciliation - it is living in hell! You are now trying to make the best of a terrible situation and your wife has got off relatively scott free! And it seems so has the POSOM.

There will always be headaches, illnesses, poor health or a million other reasons why she will avoid sex with you.

Your accepting her despite all this did not cause her to be more attracted to you or respect you more - quite the opposite.

You will continue to trigger and feel angry in this marriage - not for 2-5 years as some are saying, but forever. Why ? Because deep down you know the truth - she is not that into you - certainly not as much as she was into the POSOM (who somehow has returned to being able to coach again).

I sincerely think that the only time you will be happy (even now) is if you get as far from her as possible.


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## Annette Tush (May 4, 2016)

Maxo said:


> This is extremely naive, IMO.


Its okay to hide the face under the sand, when the facts are pointing right in our faces.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

mahike said:


> It has been sometime since I have been to this site. My wife had an affair that lasted about a year and ended in2011. We have reconciled but I find myself in turmoil once and awhile.
> 
> Most recently a close friend has come to me and told me that he and his wife are divorcing. His wife had a work affair with someone I knew pretty well. I would have never believed that these two people would betray their marriage. I know the betrayed spouses very well and I find myself very angry.
> 
> I should shrug it off and say not my monkeys not my circus but I found myself awake a three am today angry and once again angry with my wife.


I suspect you are projecting some of the anger towards them because it is easier than being angry at yourself and your wife.
Perhaps you wish you could have divorced instead of reconciling.


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## Maxo (Mar 8, 2016)

Annette Tush said:


> Its okay to hide the face under the sand, when the facts are pointing right in our faces.


Indeed. And, the rooster crows at midnight.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I saw this coming with you Mahike. I'm actually surprised you have stuck with her this long.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

mahike said:


> R has been pretty good...


Really? I've read through your threads a bit, and I've yet to read anything that would lead me to believe that.

A few (paraphrased) excerpts...

The affair continued for at least a month after D-Day, and possibly longer (see below).

Many of your threads begin w/ "...my wife had an X-month affair..." -- what's crazy about this is that the number kept changing! First it was a 6-month long affair, then a 7-month long affair, then an 8-month long affair... and now I'm reading that it was a year-long affair...?

Tons of stuff that your FWW did for OM that she'd refused to do for you -- both prior to and after the affair. Has that changed at all? Not that it matters, mind you.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

Some BS's are so worried that they'll end up alone after the D, they are willing to over look, or put up with, anything to stay married.

I akin it to waiting for table scraps instead of going out and hunting for them selves.

In a few years the OP will be posting about how he should have D'd her much sooner.

Until then, he'll lay awake at night from time to time and ponder all those thins his WS had done for/to the OM, but refuses to do for/to him...



GusPolinski said:


> Really? I've read through your threads a bit, and I've yet to read anything that would lead me to believe that.
> 
> A few (paraphrased) excerpts...
> 
> ...


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## Annette Tush (May 4, 2016)

Maxo said:


> Indeed. And, the rooster crows at midnight.


:crying:>>


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> Some BS's are so worried that they'll end up alone after the D, they are willing to over look, or put up with, anything to stay married.
> 
> I akin it to waiting for table scraps instead of going out and hunting for them selves.
> 
> ...


For me it wouldn't even matter. Who wants oral, anal, or whatever after 20+ years of getting none of it (or very little of it), and then ONLY because it was given to an AP...?

F*ck that.

I can't imagine a worse distant-second-place consolation prize.

If a WW is _that_ into an AP (and, simultaneously, NOT that into her BH), then let her have the AP.

And even _if_ nothing had been offered or given to an OM/AP that had been previously withheld from the BH, how could the BH ever believe that?

And Hell, it doesn't have to be sex -- let's say, for example, that you'd always wanted your wife to go hunting, golfing, or whatever w/ you, and she wouldn't do it... but she went w/ OM.

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

We've been over all this ground with Mahike before.....with a backhoe.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

I read your other threads my friend and you did not have a successful R like you said. 

During your MC your wife break the "No Contact" all the time. 
You still think Affair went for 6-7 months but I belive it was even longer.
During your Marriage your sex life was really bad,but at her Reunion she "open" herself to old mate and do things with him that you can only watch on TV. Remember this went for a long,long time.

Even today she refuse you sex and intimacy. 

I call this living in hell and not a good Marriage. 

You cant help your friend because you need help in the first place. 

I feel sorry for you and your friend.

Stay strong.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

And now he's haunted because deep down he knows he's so needy he was willing stay despite being demoted. No doubt he occasionally plays some of the classic mind movies. So does she. 
These guys who are willing to accept their WW giving the OM the full monty while give them little more than duty sex need to remember the old saying from the wizard of oz when it comes to their wives, "after you've been to Oz, it hard to go back to Kansas". Its like the leader of the drug task force said, "If you can identify someone who's hooked on crack, they always stay with the same supplier. That how we nail them"


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Maxo said:


> Indeed. And, the rooster crows at midnight.


Nah, unless it is the flightless, two-armed bandit kind. This breed flail their spurs to-and-fro, tearing the sheets in the BH's marital bed. They leave their droppings on same sheets and in the hen.

The hen-bird clucked to the new rooster...come...come inside my fold...I cluck for thee. You are my big bird....as I for-flake all others. 

The old boring rooster is locked out. I hear not his song. He is in the stew pot, slowly heating. When the pot that is his tomb does boil...we both shall fly this coop....united in dirty deed and beating fleeting heart.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

So let me fill in the blanks on my wife’s health issues. In the last two years she has had a stroke, a heart attack and she has fibromyalgia. Pretty hard to get hyped up for sex when on a lot of medications. That said things have gotten a bit better and she still if very repentant about what and why she had the affair to this day. My wife also believes her health issues are Gods or Karmas punishment on her for what she did to me. 

I do not walk out of the room any longer if a movie that comes on or show that involves cheating. I am not walking around in a constant state of anger either. 

I do believe that I have developed a low tolerance for cheaters especially ones that are close to me. At least consciously I am not reliving the past with my wife but I do have a great deal of empathy for people that have been cheated on and a twitchy BS meter for the cheaters.

I do acknowledge that there have been times when I wonder why I stayed and then there are moments that I know why I did.


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## Maxo (Mar 8, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> Nah, unless it is the flightless, two-armed bandit kind. This breed flail their spurs to-and-fro, tearing the sheets in the BH's marital bed. They leave their droppings on same sheets and in the hen.
> 
> The hen-bird clucked to the new rooster...come...come inside my fold...I cluck for thee. You are my big bird....as I for-flake all others.
> 
> The old boring rooster is locked out. I hear not his song. He is in the stew pot, slowly heating. When the pot that is his tomb does boil...we both shall fly this coop....united in dirty deed and beating fleeting heart.


Agree, but the rooster still crows at midnight ( code word: megaforce)


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

She's lucky to have you. Not really sure about you staying with her though. Illness aside, you need to be happy too. Playing the white knight only goes so far before the dragon eventually eats you.

IMO, a guy should be a women's knight in shining armor but sometimes he's got to kick her off the pedestal and drag her back into the cave...


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

mahike said:


> In the last two years she has had a stroke, a heart attack and she has fibromyalgia. Pretty hard to get hyped up for sex when on a lot of medications. That said things have gotten a bit better and she still if *very repentant about what and why she had the affair *to this day.


No wonder she’s so repentant. With all those heath issues she’s going to need someone to take care of her as she gets older and circles the drain. How is she paying for all those medications? Does she have health insurance without you? 

Since the other men had the fun I think it’s only fair that they help wipe her a$$ when she becomes too infirm to do it herself. You shouldn’t have to do it by yourself.

Since she can't have sex anymore with anyone due to her health it's safe to have her keep in contact with the OM. That way she will have an up to date list of OM she can call when she needs an a$$ wipe someday.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Sorry to hear about her health issues. 

In some way you have to stay with her and take care of her but I think she knows OM would never be there for her. She used him just like he used her and now you are the Saviour. 

This is not her "punishment" for her Cheating. I cant wish this to any person. 

If I was in your shoes long time ago I would left,but this now change your situation,sorry.

Stay strong.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Yep it always comes back...the thing is until it happens to you...you have no clue...it has been four years since dd#2 and I still have moments. I do not discuss it with anyone anymore that knew about it at the time because I always felt like the attitude is get over it already....so I just discuss on this site.

...I often wonder if a marriage is truly "okay" after something like infidelity.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

mahike said:


> So let me fill in the blanks on my wife’s health issues. In the last two years she has had a stroke, a heart attack and she has fibromyalgia. Pretty hard to get hyped up for sex when on a lot of medications. That said things have gotten a bit better and she still if very repentant about what and why she had the affair to this day. My wife also believes her health issues are Gods or Karmas punishment on her for what she did to me.
> 
> I do not walk out of the room any longer if a movie that comes on or show that involves cheating. I am not walking around in a constant state of anger either.
> 
> ...


No those health issues are related to stress, lifestyle, etc.

NOthing to do with karma...those things happen to people that do not cheat too. It also sounds like she is playing the victim when she talks like that...


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Before the health issues she was showing true remorse for her actions, sex was good and at time great, always thinking about how I would react to things. Yes the health issues most are due to stress. But getting back to the topic. 

I am having a real hard time with my emotions when it comes to my friends cheating. She wants to move forward with me like nothing has happened and she knows my story. Really gets my back up


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

mahike said:


> My wife also believes her health issues are Gods or Karmas punishment on her for what she did to me.


Deceit is very hard on the mind and body...

Forgiveness is often confusing, many times it is spoken of as an automated response to a wrongdoing with impartial significance, lightly applied for stepping in front of someone in speech or deed or a minor inconvenience.

Where it matters is when it has to be a deliberate decision, where you release your feelings of hurt and vengeance, and something you give yourself, not others.

Other's, often the recipient, hear "I forgive you" as a freedom or release from their wrongdoing. 

While it may lead to more civil interactions what it is really saying is that "I am taking control of my own emotions, what you have said or did will not longer dominate my feelings of hurt as I am my own master. I do not condone or excuse your actions, and will not forget them, but this gift I give myself as we move in a direction that will be positive no matter the outcome".

And it is a powerful gift...

Everyone messes up...some to a greater depth than seems reasonable, such as an affair.

Forgive yourself first, you have made mistakes that get in the way of where you are now but deserve a more open mind so you can see the forgiveness you need to apply outwardly in sense, but it is truly within the self.

The only redeeming value or beneficial purpose of shame, guilt, and remorse is learning, not punishment although it feels that way at the time.

True forgiveness, this gift you give yourself, places your mind where you need to be whether you walk with somebody... or without them.

Be with peace.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

All you can do is be there and support the BS. At a start cut both WS out your life. Ask your wife to do the same. (I would be very interested in her response.). Stay in touch with the BS, they are feeling very isolated. Have them to your home for dinner once or twice a month.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

I went back and read some of your threads. I found that you have dealt with this before with your sister's adultery and how she was treating your BIL (the BS). You asked for advise then. 

What did you do back then? Your posts never addressed the actions you took, nor did you share the outcome.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

mahike said:


> Before the health issues she was showing true remorse for her actions, sex was good and at time great, always thinking about how I would react to things. Yes the health issues most are due to stress. But getting back to the topic.
> 
> *I am having a real hard time with my emotions when it comes to my friends cheating. She wants to move forward with me like nothing has happened and she knows my story. Really gets my back up*


Drop her.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

mahike said:


> It has been sometime since I have been to this site. My wife had an affair that lasted about a year and ended in2011. We have reconciled but I find myself in turmoil once and awhile.
> 
> Most recently a close friend has come to me and told me that he and his wife are divorcing. His wife had a work affair with someone I knew pretty well. I would have never believed that these two people would betray their marriage. I know the betrayed spouses very well and I find myself very angry.
> 
> I should shrug it off and say not my monkeys not my circus but I found myself awake a three am today angry and once again angry with my wife.



I think this is a natural response. There are just going to be things that bring it back and smack you in the face with what happened to you. That is my problem with R. The hurt never really goes away.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Tell the ex friend to F off, that you have had enough cheating in your life and do not need hers to add to it.

Yes, your wife is showing how sorry she is. Now that she is having all these medical issues and needs someone by her side. She is scared that you will walk away and leave her. 

One question, how were things right before all the medical problems started? 

I might get bashed here but, intamacy is a big part of a relationship. I would have no problems if my wife could no longer be intamate with me due to a illness because she has only been with me. But in your case, she cheats, not only that but does things with the OM she never had the desire to do with you. So your sex life/intamacy is non existent and never will be now. Where if you D you might be in a very loving relationship and happy because you would not have to avoid your WW because of what is going on. 

Sorry if I came across rude or anything but if you went your separate ways you would not be having the problem you have now. You could actual have someone you could lean on for support.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

As for as my sister goes. I have pretty much ignored her except when we are all with my parents. They are in their 80's and do not need drama. Her ex-husband passed away and she has gone through a string of men. She loved them all and two out of the 4 have cheated on her. She does not see a correlation with her behavior.

My wife and I were doing pretty well in the area between the sheets until her health issues. But she does make an attempt to keep things going

My friend the BS is getting all the attention even from my wife. The WS has now been kicked to the curb.


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