# To divorce, or not? That is the question.



## ~abcxyz~ (Dec 9, 2011)

Wife & I recently separated after 12 years of marriage. We have no children together. I thought our years together were happy. That's not to say I thought we had a perfect marriage. Sure, we had peaks and valleys, as would any relationship.

Early last year, she told me she wanted to consider a separation and perhaps divorce. I resisted, wanting to give it a chance. I discovered she was spending time with a newly found male friend she had met. While I was always skeptical of her relationship, due to it's secrecy and questionable nature, I kept jealous thoughts to myself. 

She is now staying with him, which I too, have discovered. We still get together once a week, but I have to wonder if this relationship she has with him is really innocent & platonic as she claims. 

I'm not okay with this, as living with a straight individual of the opposite sex is not an appropriate thing to do when separated. She says he is helping her to recognize what faults & failures she has, and at some point in the future (not to be determined) we can possibly work on a reconciliation. This, of course, comes at the same time when I've come to terms to accept divorce, if need be.

I'm not there to see what happens, if anything, when the lights go out at night. The automatic speculation, by me & by most people, is that something is *definitely* going on under the covers.

It comes down to a matter of whether I should trust what she is claiming, or if I should trust what I imagine _could_ be happening.


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## MollyMcBudda (Jan 31, 2012)

I think you should trust your gut. Whatever your instinct tells you is probably what is really going on...


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## corpsebride (Jan 22, 2012)

You said: "_She says he is helping her to recognize what faults & failures she has, and at some point in the future (not to be determined) we can possibly work on a reconciliation_"....
As a female, the translation is:
String along the husband, so I can stay and play with my lover.
What a great setup for her.
The hubby won't make waves, cuz he wants it to work out, so he'll give her the space and time.
She gets to move out and date and see what living with her other man is really like.
Leaving two open doors....to decide (_at some point in the future_), which man would be the best overall choice.
Great setup!
abcxyz......RUN!!!!


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

You are plan B.

You are not OK with her staying with the other guy. The other guy wants her to stay with him. Guess who won?

You get one day with her per week. He gets six. Guess who won?

And the kicker is, you probably hope that she will realize the foolishness of things and come home to you. Which, she will likely do at some point. Until the next guy comes along...

You are worth more than this.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Listen to Acorn.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Acorn said:


> You are plan B.
> 
> You are not OK with her staying with the other guy. The other guy wants her to stay with him. Guess who won?
> 
> ...


Read it again. It's all true.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Divorce her.

How could you possibly tolerate your wife living and sleeping with another man while you get a date once a week which she uses to increase your insecurity?

Actually you ARE the "Other Man" now!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

So sad. Move on!


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## ~abcxyz~ (Dec 9, 2011)

Wow! Thanks for all the insightful responses. Much appreciated. Actually, your responses confirm what my gut tells me. Conversely, my heart, being broken, doesn't want to quit as it still truly loves her. So basically, logic tells me this very well may be over, yet my "happy memories" yearns to keep fighting for her. With each passing day, I'm tilting toward logic. I just wanted more input. Thank you, you've confirmed what I've been resisting to do.

If I may, allow me to play devil's advocate, and reverse the roles. What if I had instead posted: 

_"My husband & I recently separated. I didn't disclose to him that I had moved in with a single man, a person with which he had previous concerns regarding our friendship. He discovered I had mislead him. However, seeing how hurt he was, I told him that my relationship with said man is innocent & platonic & there is nothing to be worried about. I told my him it was my fault we're in this situation but that I love him & want our marriage to work. I just don't want to pinpoint a date start reconciling."

"Now I'm mad because he doesn't trust me as a spouse inherently should. If I tell him nothing's going on, shouldn't he believe me. Isn't he being a little over jealous?"_

(Of course, this scenario is not true. However, had this been the case, would I have been chastised for thinking my spouse should be taking my word at face value? I guess what I'm trying to get at is, I wonder if she is making the same claims to her family & select group of confidantes that this arrangement is truly innocent, do you think they would take her side and say I SHOULD HAVE BLIND FAITH IN HER WORD?)

Maybe I'm just putting too much thought into this. It's a tough decision. I guess it's a game of risk - I have to make a decision, stick with it and have no regrets.


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## grenville (Sep 21, 2011)

~abcxyz~ said:


> Wife & I recently separated after 12 years of marriage. We have no children together. I thought our years together were happy. That's not to say I thought we had a perfect marriage. Sure, we had peaks and valleys, as would any relationship.
> 
> Early last year, she told me she wanted to consider a separation and perhaps divorce. I resisted, wanting to give it a chance. I discovered she was spending time with a newly found male friend she had met. While I was always skeptical of her relationship, due to it's secrecy and questionable nature, I kept jealous thoughts to myself.
> 
> ...


Move on mate, it's over. Don't let her keep you dangling, it's undignified and will just make you miserable.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

~abcxyz~ said:


> Maybe I'm just putting too much thought into this. It's a tough decision. I guess it's a game of risk - I have to make a decision, stick with it and have no regrets.


I do not think you are assessing the situation correctly.

She is the one who had to make a decision, and she chose the other man. She's in a fantasy world right now where her biggest decision is what color lingerie she wants to wear for the other man tonight. 

If you really want her back, you can force her to re-assess her decision by giving her 24 hours to come home and never again contact the other man, or you will serve her with divorce papers. (Incidentally, if you don't want her back, you will need to serve her with divorce papers anyway, so it's hard to make a bad choice here. It's just hard to mentally get to this point.)

Oh, and read some of this: The Man Up and Nice Guy Reference 

You might see yourself in there, especially some of the links near the bottom.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

~abcxyz~ said:


> If I may, allow me to play devil's advocate, and reverse the roles. What if I had instead posted:
> 
> _"My husband & I recently separated. I didn't disclose to him that I had moved in with a single man, a person with which he had previous concerns regarding our friendship. He discovered I had mislead him. However, seeing how hurt he was, I told him that my relationship with said man is innocent & platonic & there is nothing to be worried about. I told my him it was my fault we're in this situation but that I love him & want our marriage to work. I just don't want to pinpoint a date start reconciling."
> 
> "Now I'm mad because he doesn't trust me as a spouse inherently should. If I tell him nothing's going on, shouldn't he believe me. Isn't he being a little over jealous?"_


I call BS on her "platonic" roommate situation as it is indeed so unlikely it shouldn`t even be considered.

I`d advise her to get her ass home and spill the whole sordid affair, throw herself at her husbands feet and beg forgiveness.

If she were willing to do this and her husband was interested in reconciling I`d then advise her what steps to take to get her husband past this as quickly as possible.

She probably wouldn`t see my post though as it would be lost in the dozens she`d get ripping her apart for being a lying self centered cheat


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

~abcxyz~ said:


> Maybe I'm just putting too much thought into this. It's a tough decision. I guess it's a game of risk - I have to make a decision, stick with it and have no regrets.


I have no ide why you think this is a tough decision.

YOUR WIFE IS ****ING ANOTHER MAN LIVING IN HIS HOUSE!!

She`s obviously lying to you, thinks you`re a fool and hasn`t an iota of respect for you.

I`d have her served papers at her boyfriends house without telling her it was coming.

If I were in your shoes I`d already have the process server scheduled if not finished with his job by now.


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