# Hello all lots of issues, hurting



## Myshadows

I apologize for the long post. Been married 28 years. 5 kids all grown now. 2 girls and 3 boys. I’m a guy by the way. 

Sex has been great thru the years, although I’ve never been the initiator. Tried sometimes and in the past she’s relent and be like ok, hurry up. There was never any other kind of physical affection. No cuddling , making out, etc. although I have a yearning for such things. I would just get my affection during foreplay. 

My wife has gone thru menopause. The last 2 years, sex has diminished. These days it might be once a month, sometimes it’s been 45 days between. I get it, it happens. She’s tried hormone replacements which helped but the side effects were to severe, they made her lightheaded and almost faint. . We’ve talked about it a good bit but it doesn’t seem to change and if I push the issue she gets upset. She is not interested in trying any other meds. She is aware that I’m not happy about it.

Also, her ability to orgasm has diminished. Like basically she can’t. She’s always had toys and after I was done , even after I might have made her have one (oral or my fingers was the only way) she always ended with a vibrator which always sort of bothered me, it was like no matter what I did, it wasn’t enough. 

I’m very self conscious about my size (normal) and I’ve always had the feeling thru the years that I have never made her catch fire the way she should. 
Like she’s had an orgasm from penetration like 2 times from me ever. Yes I know some women just don’t. Once however about 4 years ago, I put an extension on right at first and it took her about 30 seconds to orgasm and it was a good one. I thought it was hot but after the fact it made me sick really. All this it’s not you stuff and then that. She’s also cheated on me before. So needless to say I have confidence issues.
Soooo with the diminished sex, my source of affection is all but gone. 

With her not being able to finish at all, not even with my oral (which Used to be a never fail method, my ace up my sleeve) it’s left me feeling even more inadequate even though I know it may be a physiological and normal issue for her. 

I just feel sad and empty. I’ve read a lot on orgasms and watched educational but explicit videos, and I’m pretty sure my wife has had very few actually great orgasms. I asked her and she said some stuff about It and that I was gonna give her a complex if I kept asking about it.

and yes I know porn is a poor candle to compare yourself with but there is enough actual armature , shot with a camcorder stuff out there...sometimes Incant even watch porn anymore because seeing two people having good sex where the female is in to it just makes me sad anymore. .

She doesn’t seem to understand why I get sad when she can’t finish, but there have been a few times that due to medication I couldn’t finish and she was in tears. I like the affirmation I feel from satisfying her. It sounds like I’m being a big baby and maybe I am. 

The thing is I only had one partner before my wife. I’m starting to actually wonder what it would be like with someone else. Could I make someone else happy in bed? Is there someone out there that does like to be affectionate? At a healthy 46, I am not ready to have sex 10 times a year. 

I’ve been taking to a couple people online. One is into a lifestyle that seems very exciting and appealing to me, and even though she is engaged we’ve gotten to know each other very well...I am just smitten with this woman even tho im not ready to leave my wife and this woman has no plans on leaving her fiancée. The interactions have made me feel a lot of feelings but ultimately made me sad because that woman is with someone and I’m ugly as hell and too old for her anyway.

I hate the way I look, I feel old and unloved. I’m not eating right or sleeping right . It just comes and goes, I feel for a while then Ill have these really bad weeks..


----------



## Andy1001

It’s very simple. Your wife is not attracted to you and has also lost all respect for you. 
You glossed over the fact that she cheated. This is a huge red flag.


----------



## Myshadows

The affair was in the first year. There have been other bumps on the road on both sides. I’m no picnic myself for sure
....I know that alot of the issues here stem from the menopause....but I do also question whether the relationship in general has been as fulfilling for me as a relationship could or should be...it’s just the last couple of years had made me take a long look back.

And this woman I’m taking to, It’s sort of like she tells me about her life and her plans and her fiancée and I am jealous over their relationship if that makes sense. 

Our interaction centers around a common interest area that her fiancée doesn’t exactly share. And we talk about everything else in our lives as well. 
It’s nice to have a friend out there for sure but it just adds to my brain running all over the place. 

I had another young lady invite me to her house recently, but thank god she lives far far away, or my life would get even more complicated. 

I need to stay off the dang old internet.


----------



## Livvie

Is your wife your age? You say you are 46. That's awfully young to have already gone through menopause. Are you sure she has?? Just so you know, there are many different things you can do to help alleviate menopause symptoms, from nutrition to supplements and herbs, to bioidentical hormone replacement, including topical remedies. Menopause is a stage of life, not an excuse. Many women have and want great sex through their 40s 50s 60s 70s...

Your wife doesn't even want non sexual physical intimacy, you report.

You are very interested in exploring others.

I don't foresee you staying in your marriage for the next many decades. Why don't you divorce before you do anything else? That's the most honest route.


----------



## In Absentia

You are lucky... at least you are getting sex once a month, which was the sex I was getting _before_ the menopause...

Also, stop doing all that Internet stuff... if you are not happy with your wife (and you are not), just divorce her and them pursue other interests.

It sucks, but this is life. If you leave her, she'll say you are leaving her for sex, which is partially true, so be prepared for the fallout.


----------



## jlg07

Also, you need to start working on YOU -- start working out and get in shape. Try to eat/sleep (there are apps like CALM and others out that that may help you sleep better). You need to start building YOUR confidence (I suspect that your wife cheating on you sapped a LOT of that and you have never really worked through it).


----------



## notmyjamie

I'm sorry for what you are going through but having an online emotional affair is just going to make things worse. You need to decide, do you want to stay with your wife or not? If yes, I think some couples counseling would be a good idea to help work through the issues you've had over the years. If not, then get a divorce, work on improving yourself and your confidence by hitting the gym, individual counseling, etc, and then find someone you will be happier with and feel more loved by. 

I think the issues in your marriage are more than just "she won't have sex with me."

I also think men, in general, need to understand that most woman are perfectly okay and still satisfied with their sexual experience if they don't have an orgasm sometimes. And women's bodies change with age and menopause. So instead of thinking "I can't give her an orgasm anymore" start thinking "Hey look at me...I was able to adapt and find a way to still blow her mind with this great new toy I bought for us."


----------



## Lostinthought61

Let’s be honest what you are doing is not healthy for your psyche or your marriage....What are the reasons your wife wants to stay in this marriage? Have you asked her for a hall pass due to her cheating?


----------



## aine

Myshadows said:


> The affair was in the first year. There have been other bumps on the road on both sides. I’m no picnic myself for sure
> ....I know that alot of the issues here stem from the menopause....but I do also question whether the relationship in general has been as fulfilling for me as a relationship could or should be...it’s just the last couple of years had made me take a long look back.
> 
> And this woman I’m taking to, It’s sort of like she tells me about her life and her plans and her fiancée and I am jealous over their relationship if that makes sense.
> 
> Our interaction centers around a common interest area that her fiancée doesn’t exactly share. And we talk about everything else in our lives as well.
> It’s nice to have a friend out there for sure but it just adds to my brain running all over the place.
> 
> I had another young lady invite me to her house recently, but thank god she lives far far away, or my life would get even more complicated.
> 
> I need to stay off the dang old internet.


Talking to another women on the internet will make far away fields look green. I would suggest you start to water your own fields first and if they don't produce then consider your options. Putting another woman in the mix (even if only emotionally) will only cloud your judgement.


----------



## Tilted 1

So, now your looking into a threesome or a new life style of swinging. Well if your having a issue with your extension 4yrs ago, well imagine this you are watching your wife getting banged, by someone who is larger what then? Do you think you will be able to endure? 

And it was mentioned of a hallpass, BullS*** is what l say about that you raised 5 adults, you have to understand that you forgave her after all of this time. And accepted her as your partner and lover, though thick and thin. 

Is your hygiene good, as possible? Do you do things that are just for her outside of sex? Or is your only focus on her during the act of sex? Do you do outside activities for you? Sports, firearms shooting, weight lifting, maybe it's time to do this for yourself. 

And your intense interest on her orgasm's, while it ok but your obsessing is a whole different standard. Your focus is consuming you and HER! You put such an emphasis standard, that must be met has put you both under strain! Learn thing that are for her such as massage's, rubs, and kind words. And do not do sex while massage's or rubs, once done be kind kiss her neck tell her you love her and to stay and relax awhile. Because your going to the garage to (change the car oil or something). Now when you start to do this and genuinely for her, and not for you, her heart may change.

Do you have kids still at home? If you do and they are old enough encouraging (tell them) time to go and make their way into the world. Stress is killer for your wife, and thinking of your children could be consuming her? And meh.. in the porn and what you think of climaxing is only a show! 

Is your wife tender and loving during you love making or would you call it sex? If she tender and all then, you are the one who is putting stress on her. I will see how you respond to these remarks. If l am off base. 

Lovemaking is in the mind, while sex is the physical which are you?

Tilted


----------



## Myshadows

Tilted....?????
Umm no I never said anything about a threesome or swinging. I did mention an exciting lifestyle that my internet friend enjoys which makes me envious. Not sexual. A hall pass? Not sure where that came from at all...

And forgive the affair? Yes I did years ago. (That doesn’t mean it hasn’t affected me to this day) 
. 
Anyway thanks everyone for the thoughtful replies. !!


----------



## Nucking Futs

Myshadows said:


> Tilted....?????
> Umm no I never said anything about a threesome or swinging. I did mention an exciting lifestyle that my internet friend enjoys which makes me envious. Not sexual. A hall pass? Not sure where that came from at all...
> 
> And forgive the affair? Yes I did years ago. (That doesn’t mean it hasn’t affected me to this day)
> .
> Anyway thanks everyone for the thoughtful replies. !!


People are jumping to conclusions because you're being too cryptic. This is anonymous, just tell us what's going on so we have something to work with rather than leaving it to our imaginations based on your hints. Guessing you were talking about swinging is reasonable based on the context.


----------



## MattMatt

Myshadows said:


> Tilted....?????
> Umm no I never said anything about a threesome or swinging. I did mention an exciting lifestyle that my internet friend enjoys which makes me envious. Not sexual. A hall pass? Not sure where that came from at all...
> 
> And forgive the affair? Yes I did years ago. (That doesn’t mean it hasn’t affected me to this day)
> .
> Anyway thanks everyone for the thoughtful replies. !!


Have you considered couple's counselling?

Where are you based? Have you seen a solicitor or an attorney to check on your legal situation?


----------



## Mybabysgotit

If you are looking to her orgasm as validation to what makes you a man, then that's a problem. Never seek validation from anyone other than yourself and that includes your wife. I'm exactly your age so i'm quite surprised you haven't figured out that 99% of what makes a woman orgasm is her mind. I can tell you, your wife's mind is not in orgasm mode. Fix the relationship, and you'll fix your sex life with your wife.


----------



## Myshadows

Thanks again everyone. Id like to sort of apologize for my first post. I was in a really bad place the other night.

On one hand, and most of the time, I’m ok, sometimes even happy. There’s a lot of things good about my life. I honestly don’t know sometimes. If I keep my head down and keep my scope narrow, I can get by just fine. Sometimes if you allow yourself the comfort of taking options off the table through resolve, life is easier to take. Sort of put yourself into a box. 

Honestly I don’t know how to make a decision, I’m really good at agonizing about things I might want to change and then just letting time go on. I think about things too much 

We’ve both almost left each other once each before.. we’ve been thru some stuff that’s for sure.

Of course the grass is always greener as they say. My wife is one of my only friends really. I struggle with trying to justify my actions to myself. I feel like a terrible person for the online stuff. That all cropped up sort of randomly about 2 months ago. 

The thing is there were a lot of feelings that got stirred up. It has become almost like an addiction.
There’s all sorts of people out there.
The world is larger than I know.

I worked at a foundry for 11 years and I never knew how bad it was until I went somewhere else. Sometimes I wonder if my relationship wouldn’t be sort of the same. How does one ever know? There’s something to be said for living a life before marriage and a family, I did not at all.

As for her orgasm, I was obsessed for about a week when I realized the problems she was having. The research I did? It’s almost like I was looking for proof that I’m to blame somehow. 

I’m over that, sort of sorry I mentioned it earlier, although I’ve read it’s normal for partners to feel a certain responsibility for each other’s pleasure and unfortunately alot if people have been programmed that the orgasm is the goal. I know better. I far more enjoy the journey, but we are both guilty of being hurt if we don’t ‘finish’

My original post, to be honest , might have been partially trying to set up a framework for justifying my actions online. To myself. 

Also when I sat down to write the original post I think it was to get the online thing off my chest and it went off track. That’s the current burning issue I have to deal with I think. 

I work a lot, I am the sole provider and have been since our first child, a daughter, came along. And yet I make none of the decisions. While having a stay at home mom has been great for the kids and I wouldn’t change it , my wife could have feasibly went back to work 10 years ago.

We went through some tough times financially 6 years ago and it was really only at that time that I was a little resentful about her not working.

Right now I work 60+ hours a week and not enough sleep. I do have a couple hobbies like hunting and woodworking but there’s literally not much time for me things. I hunt maybe once a year, three times at most.

I think there is some resentment on my part about a lot of things. Sometimes I feel like my life is going by and I’m Just a spectator or along for the ride, and I’m not getting enough out of it. Just play out my role til I have a massive coronary at work or fall asleep driving home one afternoon and hit a pole.

Communication is hard sometimes because she’ll just yell at me and make it so I just don’t feel like bringing up the issues again. And I’m crazy if I try to work on the things I feel I need.

The gender roles are almost reversed in a lot of ways. 

I went to a massage parlor once with no intention in the world of a happy ending and Didn’t get one, I didn’t even get undressed all the way as she said to, but boy I enjoyed the physical contact even though there was nothing sexual about it. 

Crap Im totally rambling here.


----------



## Tilted 1

Myshadows said:


> Crap Im totally rambling here.


We all do that venting one time.ir another.


----------



## Diana7

Please get some good marriage counselling so that you can communicate better. The thing is that discontentment is deadly for any marriage, and while you are looking at porn and talking to other women, things will never improve. 
Put that effort into your marriage instead.


----------



## TAMAT

MyShadows,


Correct me if I'm wrong but the sequence seems to be.

You had good sex with your W while dating, possibly not great sex, no multiple orgasms.

Soon after you got married she had an affair.

Something changed after her affair and she was never the same sexually.

You've put up with decades of 2nd rate sex with your wife.

Now that she is getting older and is less sexual anyway, 2nd rate is now 3rd rate.


I'm going to guess You now feel?

-You should have divorced her after her affair, but you thought that your love and service to WW could repair the damage. 

-It's not just that you want sex but you want the affection that goes along with it.

-I suspect it's been a long long time since you've had oral sex or passionate kissing.



What did you do to recover from her affair, I don't think you ever did only rugswept, did you... 

get a timeline and the sexual details ?

confront the OM ?

expose the OM to his wife or SO ?

have your WW take a polygraph ?

was the OM still in your life, even if indirectly ?


----------



## Myshadows

Tamat,
It was more like sex was great before and after marriage, then the affair happened. I decided I’d rather stay married rather than not but I.didn’t deal with it the right way at the time. It boiled over some years later and caused a rift for a while. 

Sex was still great for years and years until about 2 years ago. So logically I know it’s menopause...it still just set off a chain reaction in my thoughts. I was grousing at her for something the other day and she was like ‘you just need sex’ . Like we are sort of volatile together and in years past whenever we’d find ourselves getting really ****ty, we knew we were overdue, then afterwards it just had this calming effect on both of us for a while, just a reconnection and a recharge. Maybe cuddling, kissing, other contact besides intercourse would have had the same effect , but that’s just never been her thing.

Passion? Oh yes, during sex, like anyone , some times are better than others. Even now when it does happen it’s usually great, There is some level of diminished response but still passionate


----------



## EleGirl

@Myshadows

You have a private message. Please reply to it.


----------



## dadstartingover

I'm going to share this post with my readers. Your story is the perfect storm of an overly agreeable husband, a wife who lost attraction long ago, rug-sweeping an affair, and the husband's low self-esteem permeating all facets of the relationship.


----------



## Marduk

Dude. Buddy. Gently.

You need to pull your head out of your rear end here and take a look around. 

You’re working 60+ hours a week, not sleeping, eating, exercising, or dressing well. You’re unhappy with your marriage and are flirting with some rando engaged chick online. And just puking all over your thread here - which is fine, by the way - but belies your actual problem:

You don’t have your **** together. 

Maybe you’re depressed, maybe it’s existential ennui, maybe it’s the affair your wife had, maybe it’s menopause or the moon being in the seventh house of aquarius. All that is BS and doesn’t matter, because you don’t have your **** together.

So start getting your **** together.

Today: exercise. When I get into a funk I lift heavy things or do something violent but positive, like martial arts or the heavy bag. Clears the old cob webs out of my stupid male brain.

Today: eat right. Mostly green things. No processed ****. 1/3 of the calories should come from quality proteins and quality fats. 

Today: set a bedtime that gives you 8 hours of solid sleep. I don’t care if that means you have to go to bed at 9PM. Do it.

Today: set an exercise plan, meal plan, and come up with a list of hobbies that can be social that you’ve let go of over the years. You’re gonna start something like that up again, and start to get some buddies.

Today: repeat after me... your wife’s orgasms are not your responsibility. Your orgasms are your responsibility. Stop fixating on hers, and start fixating on yours. We’ll work more on that later.

Don’t say anything to the wife. Just start acting. We’ll work on that later, too.

You can do all that today. Right now. So get to it.


----------

