# Please help



## Wayne84 (Aug 3, 2012)

Hey guys I need some advice, this is my first marriage and I have 2 step children both 10 and 11, with whom their biological dad has nothing to do with them except for picking them up after school only 2 days a week and seeing them for an hour on those days (he also went all summer without calling them to talk or even see them) and even on those days when my wife picks them up from his house they are relieved to get away because he yells at them or is mean to them, among many other things that he has done that I can't list here and the fact he never did support his kids the first 8 years of their lives (he didn't buy them one toy,piece of clothes, or school supplies in that time according to my wife) when him and my wife were together (they never were married).

I'll admit, I'm new to raising kids, and while my wife works (I draw disability) I take care of all the households affairs (cooking, laundry, dishes, cleaning etc) and make sure I get the kids off the bus or pick them up from after school, I want to do the best I can with them, and try to be a good husband, I don't yell at our kids and when it comes to disciplining them I let her handle it as at this stage with the relationship with the kids the trust level isn't built up yet. But when it comes to certain aspects of the kids lives, she keeps me out of the loop completely, or its her choice and no one elses all together, yet she tells me all the time I'm their "Dad" and the only thing they know of a father figure, but I feel that is not true at all as when I come to her to ask her help in laying down some rules for the girls (for instance: to not treat the entire house hold as a trashcan, and to pick up after themselves as that takes literally 20-30 minutes of my time while everyone is out of the house at school/work to pick up theirs cups, candy/food wrappers, tv dinner trays, all over the house and not to mention its just nasty lol) she gets short and impatient with me or just doesn't want to talk about it all. 

I mean I help buy the kids school clothes, birthday, and xmas presents etc. and I practically help raise them, I love being with them and spending time with them, I just feel so frustrated that she doesn't listen to me when it involves them as I stated above or when she keeps me in the dark about it and it ends up making me feel really under appreciated for what I do around the house and for the kids. 

FINALLY Here is my question: Am I entitled to some say in the household over the kids as far as rules go maybe, and should I atleast be kept in the loop about the kids lives and not be in the dark?

Please help!


----------



## Jojara (Aug 1, 2012)

How long have you been married/with this woman?

Honestly....as a step-dad (regardless of how involved bio dad is), you really want to take a back seat in the parenting department. It sounds like you are getting some mixed signals from her, regarding how involved to be. I think that is probably pretty normal. I know there are things about my kids that I dont discuss with my husband. Its really important to me that he doesnt make judgements about my kids, because he doesnt have the same emotional connection to them to go back to that place of unconditional love. Not sure if that makes sense. 

Regardless, something that you may think is simple parenting/disciplining can ruin your relationship with the kids and your wife really quickly. My advice is to work with your wife, if you are having an issue with the kids, and let her deal with it. 

Good luck....step parenting is amazingly hard!!!


----------



## Wayne84 (Aug 3, 2012)

Married 2 years, and I can somewhat see your view in taking a "backseat" in the parenting department. However I will get one thing clear I am a very reasonable person and I don't believe in corporal punishment how she chooses to discipline them for when they do something wrong is entirely up to her and we do share the same house hold and we all live there and its only fair I think that if I come to her and just want to talk to her about making the kids pick up after themselves some, I believe she should at least listen to me, I wouldn't have came to her if it was just a simple issue of a little mess here and there which is expected when you have kids, trust me when i say this the throwing trash and candy wrappers on the floor is quite an issue, as well as when i go to their room and clean it and come out with molded kfc boxes under their bed with chicken legs and juice boxes piled high, and their game disks in the floor getting scratched to pieces, especially a new one that i just bought them...


----------



## rj700 (Jun 22, 2012)

When W & I got together, her boys were 9 & 11. Boys maybe different, but I've been exactly where you are. Bio dad provided no interest, role model, no bday cards, calls, support, nothing.

I have to strongly disagree with taking a "backseat". Parenting is - MUST be - a team effort. They are your kids too! Bio or not. Now I had tons to learn about parenting, and starting at that age was difficult. And I am still learning. But I think you need to talk to your wife and ask her if she wants this to be a family. Not an easy task.

One suggestion (assuming your W goes along) - food is eaten in the kitchen or dining room - period. This was a see saw battle with me as well which I never completely won. But I think I waited too long on that one.


----------



## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

My mom was a single mother for years. She had plenty of boyfriends, has been married twice (my dad, and my brothers dad) 

I don't know how your wife's ex was, but one of the most common issues with my mom (and with her current boyfriend, which makes things REALLY "fun") is that after her last relationship of 13yrs and how he was about us, she does not talk about parenting at all.

There have been times when I have gone rounds and rounds of screaming and tears just trying to get through to her, and what happens is, as soon as something parenting related is brought up she goes immediately on the defense, and in her mind it turns into "you are telling me I am a bad parent"

The only way I have found to get around this and lend help to anything she's struggling with (and my brothers can be hell) is timing. if I find the right time where her mind is open and her defenses are shut off, she will listen.

My thought was, since your wife is their mom, and has been their primary parent, it may not be easy for her to let up on that. She may instantly jump to assumption on what your real point is and shut you off completely. It's a hard thing to work with and not easy to reverse either. I wish i had some excellent advice, but I'm currently working with two parents with the same issue that war on each other instead of being a parenting unit as they need to be.

I would tell her you want it to be a parenting unit, set boundaries, and set types of discipline that she is comfortable with from you and work on a compromise from that basis. Just do it carefully.


----------



## twilightskarm (Aug 4, 2012)

I know that's a tough road because I'm there! The consensus seems to be that the bio mom has to make the discipline decisions, but that doesn't mean you can't say anything. But if the kids know it comes from you it will seem like you are the bad guy. I've tried to come up with set rules and have both parent and step-parent deliver the rules as a uniform front (but parent refused that). The one thing that strikes me from the post is that she seems to get upset when you say something that might seem critical of the kids or of her parenting. I'm sure you don't mean it that way, but complaining about kids' behavior can SEEM like a criticism that comes back to her. Maybe try to talk with her in a way that puts you on her side and lets her know that you know she is trying and that she is doing a good job, but maybe she could help you out with some concerns??


----------



## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

You need to have a serious talk with her. Either you're "the dad" or you're not. If you are, then kids should respect you as such and you must get your rules together with her. If you're not, then take a step back. 

Either way, the picking up after themselves is a no brainer. They do it, doesn't matter your position on discipline, you're not their servant.


----------

