# Would you want to know?



## Zatol Ugot?

This is really intended for the ladies but guys are welcome to respond for their wives if they are able. I thought about putting this in the Infidelity section but this is not a real situation (really). Just something to think about and I'm curious of your answer. 

Hypothetical: Husband and wife been married for 15+ years. Marriage is ok but has its bumps like most everyone's. Husband is HD and wife is LD. Nothing that can't really be worked out but he gets frustrated often. They actually love each other, even though stresses can be high. Husband goes on a business trip to a far away city. While there alone, he is tempted by a beautiful woman that appeals to his sense of "what might have been" and his sexually adventurous side. He succumbs to her charms and they have a one night stand. Only knowing each others' first names, they depart each other never to see each other again.
Husband is beside himself with guilt. The tryst was strictly physical. He has absolutely no emotional attachment with this woman and even if he did, he wouldn't know how to find her. He is torn on whether or not he should tell his wife about it, knowing that it was a HUGE mistake and he will never, ever do anything like that again. Immediately upon returning home, he makes a detour to the local clinic to get tested for VD and he comes up clean. So, in theory, if he keeps his mouth shut, it will be like it never happened and his wife will be none the wiser.

Question: If you were the wife in this situation, would you want your husband to tell you what he did?


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## Almostrecovered

Zagot- you should confess


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## waiwera

Of course he should tell his wife...

He's broken his wedding vows..well sh!t on them actually.

But i doubt he will.... he thinks he's very clever by the sounds of things. But he's just a cheating scum really.

PS: I'm a HD wife and I've never (to my knowledge) been cheated on... if that makes any difference.


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## ScaredandUnsure

Yes, I would want to know. For a couple of reasons

1. If the husband picks up an STD and decides to "share" with his wife. If you don't think it could happen, no matter how careful you are, think again. Happens all the time. She should be allowed to receive testing at once and if needed, treatment. 

2. She should know so she can divorce his lying, cheating butt and move on with life and with someone who's not a scumbag.


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## Mavash.

ScaredandUnsure said:


> Yes, I would want to know. For a couple of reasons
> 
> 1. If the husband picks up an STD and decides to "share" with his wife. If you don't think it could happen, no matter how careful you are, think again. Happens all the time. She should be allowed to receive testing at once and if needed, treatment.
> 
> 2. She should know so she can divorce his lying, cheating butt and move on with life and with someone who's not a scumbag.


This. Cheating is a dealbreaker no matter what excuse you rationalize it away with.


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## CLucas976

I think the husband should look at it like this, which is easier to forgive a) true remorse, apology, but actual honesty or b) lies, guilt, AND cheating

I'd find it easier to forgive and move on if I was approached with honesty. I pleaded with my ex husband for honesty, it didn't matter what he had done, please be honest. 

when sh*t hit the fan and I was suddenly alone with all of these things I never knew about dumped on me I can not even describe the hurt and pain. I couldn't ever look at him the same, I couldn't ever trust this person who had SO deceived me, played me as such an idiot, and left me there to deal with it when I finally found out with a shrug and a lame excuse.

don't be that guy, regardless of what happens you owe it to your wife to not be that guy.


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## Kimberley17

I would not want to know.


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## Hope1964

The only wives who would not want to know are the ones who prefer to pretend everything in their life is perfect when it really isn't. Those of us who know we aren't perfect, and neither is our marriage, would never want our husband keeping such a horrible secret.

Actually, I can think of another scenario where the wife wouldn't want to know. If she knew that her husband would suffer far more and be eaten up with the guilt if he didn't tell. If she truly hates him, and already gets STD tested regularly because she knows he is cheating.


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## Numb in Ohio

If that man's wife cheated on him,,, would he want to know?


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## waiwera

Hope1964 said:


> The only wives who would not want to know are the ones who prefer to pretend everything in their life is perfect when it really isn't. Those of us who know we aren't perfect, and neither is our marriage, would never want our husband keeping such a horrible secret.
> 
> Actually, I can think of another scenario where the wife wouldn't want to know. If she knew that her husband would suffer far more and be eaten up with the guilt if he didn't tell. If she truly hates him, and already gets STD tested regularly because she knows he is cheating.


:iagree:

A third possible scenario is that she is also having an affair..eases her guilt if he has a ONS or the likes.


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## waiwera

Kimberley17 said:


> I would not want to know.


OK...I'm intrigued!

Why would you not want to know Kimberley?


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## cloudwithleggs

I'd say don't tell. The sex meant nothing. Why be hurtful to the LD wife, the marriage may end if he tells is he prepared for that.

My thought is if it has been done once there will be serious temptation to do it again and again and again   

To some people sex is not everything as in straying, but he should discuss the issues of his sexual frustrations with the LD wife.


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## DawnD

I would want to know, and the longer it took you to tell me the worse the betrayal would be......


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## costa200

STD tests right after the fact are not conclusive. You are going to have to wait for weeks to do conclusive testing.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

I'd want to know and I'd keep in mind that there is balance in all things, in case I ever found myself in a similar situation, and let him know that what's good for the goose is good for the gander. Whether or not I would ever go through, I would make this sentiment known. I believe in a balanced relationship.  In principle, whether or not in action. If someone changes the rules in a relationship, they are changed for all involved, not just one. That's fair. As is honesty after there has been a promise of fidelity that has been broken.

You can go 6 months without testing postive for HIV. So whomever this was should get his head out of his butt and realize that getting tested for std's and coming up clean is just information at one point in time, there are no guarantees.


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## waiwera

cloudwithleggs said:


> I'd say don't tell. The sex meant nothing. Why be hurtful to the LD wife, the marriage may end if he tells is he prepared for that.
> 
> My thought is if it has been done once there will be serious temptation to do it again and again and again
> 
> To some people sex is not everything as in straying, but he should discuss the issues of his sexual frustrations with the LD wife.


Bet the sex would mean something to the betrayed spouse.

You speak from an incredibly self-absorbed place.


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## Writer

I would want to know. As the cheater, my husband does not get to decide whether we reconcile or not. I would not want to live in a sham of a marriage, thinking everything is alright and my husband is faithful to me. 

What happens the next time he is out of town and an attractive woman comes on to him? After all, he _was_ in his right the first time. Wouldn't he be in his right this time? This justification can careen out of control until my husband brings home an STD to me.


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## livelaughlovenow

YES I would want to know. I would want to know for a number of reasons, number one that my husband was that disatisfied with me sexually that he "had a one night stand" and the sexual gratification was worth breaking our vows. Number two so I could make a decision based on other areas of our marriage on whether to pursue counseling or divorce, and number 3, if he did it once, and she doesn't get the change to have the knowledge of her contribution that he is feeling that BAD in the marriage, then she has no chance of fixing it to make it better and he will do it again if given the opportunity. Number 4, him coming clean is a huge demonstration of respect, not telling is disrespectful. If I found out later somehow I would be more pissed and hurt that he lied all that time despite being "wracked with guilt".


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## livelaughlovenow

I think you should post this same hypothetical situation in the guys forum. See if they would want to know about their wives... I think the man should also ask himself if he would want to know if his wife let another man's penis in her *****.


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## ladybird

Yes i would want to know


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## Zatol Ugot?

Almostrecovered said:


> Zagot- you should confess


Sorry to disappoint. Nothing to confess. Strictly hypothetical. I have actually had this discussion with my wife and, as most women on this site have indicated, she would want to know. This conversation actually occurred about 6 years ago after she had a co-worker to tell her a story about her cheating spouse.


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## Zatol Ugot?

livelaughlovenow said:


> I think you should post this same hypothetical situation in the guys forum. See if they would want to know about their wives... I think the man should also ask himself if he would want to know if his wife let another man's penis in her *****.


Good idea. I'll do that.


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## Zatol Ugot?

Men,
I posted this identical question (copied and pasted and changed a few pronouns) from the Ladies Lounge. It was suggested that I post here in the Men's Clubhouse to see what the reaction would be if the tables were turned, so here it is.


Hypothetical: Husband and wife been married for 15+ years. Marriage is ok but has its bumps like most everyone's. Wife is HD and husband is LD. Nothing that can't really be worked out but she gets frustrated often. They actually love each other, even though stresses can be high. Wife goes on a business trip to a far away city. While there alone, she is tempted by a really hot guy that appeals to her sense of "what might have been" and her sexually adventurous side. She succumbs to his charms and they have a one night stand. Only knowing each others' first names, they depart each other never to see each other again.
Wife is beside herself with guilt. The tryst was strictly physical. She has absolutely no emotional attachment with this man and even if she did, she wouldn't know how to find him. She is torn on whether or not she should tell her husband about it, knowing that it was a HUGE mistake and she will never, ever do anything like that again. Immediately upon returning home, she makes a detour to the local clinic to get tested for VD and she comes up clean. So, in theory, if she keeps her mouth shut, it will be like it never happened and her husband will be none the wiser.

Question: If you were the husband in this situation, would you want your wife to tell you what she did?


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## Deejo

For your benefit, I'm going to leave this up for a bit. 

But ... cross posting is not allowed. So your threads will be merged later. If there is a particular subforum you would prefer, let me know.

And honestly ... you are on a site filled with betrayed spouses. What kind of response do you think you're going to get?


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## working_together

Obviously he should tell her, but in reality, when she knows what happened it may destroy the marriage, and is it worth it?? What good will come of it, it was a one time thing, he's remorseful (or so it appears). It's something that is devestating to the bs, and it's hard to recover from that.

I'm sure most won't agree with what I said..


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## xENIGMAx

Yes and record her to avoid financial ruins while divorcing.

Many men remain married because its cheaper to keep her.


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## waiwera

working_together said:


> Obviously he should tell her, but in reality, when she knows what happened it may destroy the marriage, and is it worth it?? What good will come of it, it was a one time thing, he's remorseful (or so it appears). It's something that is devestating to the bs, and it's hard to recover from that.
> 
> I'm sure most won't agree with what I said..


Well I sure don't... it's just more cheater/liar type self-talk and bullsh!t.

In reality (in this hypothetical marriage) she has the right to know who she is married to. She thinks she is married to a good faithful man when in fact her H will stick his d!ck in a woman he met 5 mins prior...given the opportunity. 

She doesn't know the man he really is and IMO she should be given that opportunity.
So SHE can make a choice about HER life and who she wants to share it with.

Cheating is a deal breaker for me... but then that's why the OP's cheater wants to keep it a secret... he knowingly chose sex with a stranger over his life... over his wife (and kids?). That was his choice.

Would you not want to know that, given the opportunity, your wife might spread her legs for the first 'attractive' man to show interest in her.... even if she was very very very sorry afterwards.


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## Zatol Ugot?

Deejo said:


> For your benefit, I'm going to leave this up for a bit.
> 
> But ... cross posting is not allowed. So your threads will be merged later. If there is a particular subforum you would prefer, let me know.
> 
> And honestly ... you are on a site filled with betrayed spouses. What kind of response do you think you're going to get?


Sorry, I should have acquainted myself with the rules a bit better. After posting in the Ladies Lounge, one of the posters suggested that I try this in this forum to get the responses of the men if the situation were reversed. I guess it would have been good to put this in the General Relationship section.

As for what I expected, I don't know. That's why I asked the question. I know that TAM has a section on infidelity but I didn't think to characterize TAM as "filled with betrayed spouses". I haven't been betrayed nor have I betrayed and I'm here. And, if you were betrayed, then I would be curious to know that if given the choice, would you rather not know if given a second chance.


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## Cosmos

As Homemaker said, he's changed the rules in the relationship. He should tell his wife so that she can make an informed decision regarding the future of their relationship. 

As he was quick to get tested for STDs, I'm assuming that he had unprotected sex. As Homemaker pointed out, he won't know whether or not he's contracted HIV for 6 months, so hopefully he will have protected sex with his wife in the interim.


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## livelaughlovenow

MY BAD I suggested he post it here to get men's opinions as well!

I also don't see TAM as a spot just for betrayed spouses, however; there is a fair mix of people. I have not cheated nor been cheated on in my marriage. But I think everyone would want to know. Zatol Ugot... answer your own question, as a husband would you want to know?


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## Coffee Amore

I would want to know.

Even if it happened "just one time", it wouldn't change a thing in my mind. 

Is it ok if I rob a bank one time and vow never to do it again? 

What good is a husband who has a one night stand while on a trip? 

It's what we do when we're the most tempted that tells me the character of a person.

You can't have a marriage based on lies, secrets and deceit. I guarantee that on some level his infidelity will affect his marriage even if the wife doesn't know about the cheating. A person with a conscience would have guilt and that guilt is going to affect the intimacy of the marriage. The wife may wonder why he's acting so distant, emotionally withdrawn and different. She might end up blaming herself for the distance between them when it reality it's all his fault.

It's better to come clean then go forward with reconciliation ( if the betrayed spouse wants to reconcile) from a place of honesty and true remorse. How can you have true remorse without honesty? Also, it's not the honesty that's going to cause pain for the betrayed spouse. It's the cheating. The cheating has already happened. The betrayed spouse doesn't know about it. It's like having cancer that's undetected in the body. It's still there doing its damage. You just don't know it. So the continued coverup of the affair is damaging the marriage on various levels. It's just the other spouse doesn't know the true cause of the marital problems.

I also don't understand how having lack of feelings for the person you cheated with makes it better than a scenario where the wayward spouse has an emotional attachment to the affair partner. If anything, having feelings for the other woman would hurt like hell to hear as the betrayed spouse, but it makes it more understandable whereas telling me "it was just sex. It was nothing" means then I must be less than nothing since he put "nothing" above me. 

Withholding such information from me is incredibly patronizing. So he gets to decide how much I can handle? Am I five year old or a grown woman?
If my husband withheld the truth from me that way, it would be manipulative, cowardly and disrespectful. Cowardly because he's ultimately protecting himself from the natural consequences of his actions. Patronizing because he would be deciding for me what's best for my life. He's deciding for me the truth of my life. As a sane, mentally competent adult, I get to make those decisions, not him, not anyone else. I would have liked to have been respected enough as a human being that one of the people who knew could have told me the truth about something that happened in my life.


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## Cosmos

livelaughlovenow said:


> MY BAD I suggested he post it here to get men's opinions as well!
> 
> I also don't see TAM as a spot just for betrayed spouses, however; there is a fair mix of people. I have not cheated nor been cheated on in my marriage. But I think everyone would want to know. Zatol Ugot... answer your own question, as a husband would you want to know?


I understand that cross-posting isn't allowed, but I also think it could be interesting to get reverse perspectives on this topic.


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## Hopefull363

If a tree falls in the woods and nobody is there to see or hear it. Did it really fall?


Of course it did. If it's my woods I want to know.


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## OhGeesh

Not in 1000000000 life times would i ever want to know!!! Ongoing affair is one thing a ONS especially on those terms HELL NO!!!


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## livelaughlovenow

Zatol Ugot? said:


> Sorry to disappoint. Nothing to confess. Strictly hypothetical. I have actually had this discussion with my wife and, as most women on this site have indicated, she would want to know. This conversation actually occurred about 6 years ago after she had a co-worker to tell her a story about her cheating spouse.


Good to know


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## Jibril

Yes. I would want to know. Cheating is cheating is cheating. I see it as a very black and white situation. 

Wife didn't make a "mistake." She did what she did for a very deliberate and selfish reason. It was a conscious choice, not a, "whoops, I slipped and fell on you penis" mistake. She wanted a no strings attached sex with a man who was not her husband. 

That's cheating, and I'd want to know. Because I wouldn't want to stay married to someone who can throw away a marriage to satisfy her curiosity.


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## Rowan

working_together said:


> Obviously he should tell her, but in reality, when she knows what happened it may destroy the marriage, and is it worth it?? What good will come of it, it was a one time thing, he's remorseful (or so it appears). It's something that is devestating to the bs, and it's hard to recover from that.
> 
> I'm sure most won't agree with what I said..


I think most people truly do lack the self control it takes to stop doing something pleasurable, and for which they see no real downside, unless there are penalties for continuing. Something that is gotten away with once tends to be a temptation from then on. It might have been a one time thing. He might be remorseful (or appear so). However, I think there's a good chance it might turn into 'a one time thing' _every time_ it happens. And he might be 'remorseful' _every time _he does it. But not remorseful enough to stop doing it unless there are real consequences. 

Without consequences, the behavior continues, because the positives outweigh the negatives from the wayward husband's point of view. He's getting good sex and a fabulous ego boost, and he gets to keep his wife and family at home without all the mess and financial hit of a divorce. There's no down-side, to his mind, for doing this. So he doesn't stop.


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## YinPrincess

It's simple. YES.

Omitting the truth is a cop out to save your own butt.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MaritimeGuy

To play the devil's advocate isn't he unburdening himself by telling his wife? In effect he is then asking her to share the burden of his betrayal rather that carrying it by himself. So telling her in a way is a selfish act. :scratchhead:

Myself I'd rather know if my partner cheated. It would provide insight into the status of our relationship. To be ignorant would be to be not fully informed about the relationship. 

On my side I could never cheat because I'm a terrible liar. The first time I looked into her eyes I'd be so wracked with guilt I'd break down and confess. It's not worth it...

I know I'm all over the place on this but it is a hypothetical situation. The other aspect I wonder about is generational. I find many of us of older generations place more meaning to the sex act than the younger generations. It appears to the younger generation sex is no more meaningful than shaking hands. I'm wondering if the response to this question is different for them.


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## Zatol Ugot?

livelaughlovenow said:


> Zatol Ugot... answer your own question, as a husband would you want to know?


Yes. At the end of the day, I would want to know. Like most people on this thread, I feel that the cheater needs to own up to his/her actions. I am a strong believer in personal responsibility and I believe that there should be consequences to your actions.

I was curious to see, however, if anyone had any different thoughts. In my hypothetical, the cheating spouse is truly remorseful, knows that what they did was terribly wrong, and *knows *that they will never ever do it again. Assuming that the VD issue is magically taken care of and there is no chance that the cheater has anything, then what I was trying to boil down to was a moral decision between two likely options (again, this is a hypothetical and in this magical world, it goes exactly like it is presented).

The two options for the hypothetical are:

1) Cheater never tells the spouse and makes every effort in the world to love, cherish and treasure their partner. The couple stays together and all in all, end up happy and in love. They grow old and die together.

2) Cheater is so overwhelmed with guilt, he/she goes home and immediately tells the spouse. All hell breaks loose. Cheater is still truly remorseful and knows that it will never ever happen again. Lots of fights, counseling and general anxiety. However, in the end, the spouse is unable to forgive the cheater and they file for divorce and go their separate ways.

Given these two options, I was just wondering how many people might choose #1.

Again, I would want to know. But I can see the attraction of the "not telling" option.


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## Zatol Ugot?

MaritimeGuy said:


> The other aspect I wonder about is generational. I find many of us of older generations place more meaning to the sex act than the younger generations. It appears to the younger generation sex is no more meaningful than shaking hands. I'm wondering if the response to this question is different for them.


Good question. I would also like to know that.


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## Thewife

I would want to know! every bit of it...........but sadly my husband is the kind who will not break the family if it can be saved.....and he knows I will leave him if he tells me.


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## LovetheDaisy

Hope1964 said:


> The only wives who would not want to know are the ones who prefer to pretend everything in their life is perfect when it really isn't. Those of us who know we aren't perfect, and neither is our marriage, would never want our husband keeping such a horrible secret.
> 
> Actually, I can think of another scenario where the wife wouldn't want to know. If she knew that her husband would suffer far more and be eaten up with the guilt if he didn't tell. If she truly hates him, and already gets STD tested regularly because she knows he is cheating.


I am sorry, but I couldn't disagree more with this post. A wife may not want to know for a plethora of reasons, none of which _may be to pretend everything is alright. 

It amazes me that someone can be human and then inflict their mistakes on a person who they love. I don't agree with affairs, but I also don't agree that causing others pain on purpose is the right way to go, only to make the offender feel less guilty?!! What I would suggest is if the man/woman has made this decision(an affair) that they reevaluate their relationship and go to counseling to see what the root of the problem is.

I also realize on this forum, my opinion is in the minority._


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## Kimberley17

I guess I'm in the minority by not wanting to know. If I was happy and it truly was never going to happen again I would rather stay ignorant and be happy. If I knew I would never look at him the same and to me it's not worth all the pain of knowing if it was only a one time thing. That's just how I feel about it. But, if it were an ongoing thing or more than once then heck yes I'd want to know.


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## SimplyAmorous

Here is how I feel... (or I can speculate)....If my husband did this while I was a pleasing seductress awaiting his return ... skyping at his fingertips, abundant sex & bj's -keeping his pecker happy & nearly numb... then I would likely divorce over it... cause it would be like :wtf: How easily you could have just used her "as a fantasy" in your little head & kept the pecker in your pants. 

However ... If I was NOT doing my part as a desirous loving wife -with an attitide of "giving" in the bedroom....If I offered obligatory sex, pity sex... he felt neglected, lonely, craving, missing out on passion ....and fell due to these reasons... 

...Make no mistake....I would still be livid, be crying while I punched him & might kick him in the nuts ....but I believe , after some cooling off, I would be asking how this happened..We'd talk it out fully.....I would dig deep & question my own hand in how HE came to such a place....IF he was feeling those things... 

And if he came clean immediately....with tears, how he did wrong, how he would do anything to re-live that night again, how he hates himself , never wanted to hurt me...If I felt his sorrow , genuine remorsefulness, if this was never his character before this night .... This would speak to me. 

Yes...it IS a horrendous weak moment to fall into -one that will have lasting effects on any marriage -and slice the TRUST for years to come ... but I am not one to believe every instance such as this deserves Divorce. No, not at all.

I can accually think of worse things .... one if them is enduring a sexless passionless marraige....for years. 

Telling immediately should not be overlooked in this....I see this as a condition of the







wanting to DO the RIGHT THING no matter what -even in the face of biting his own hand/destructing his own life -not a matter of getting his cake & eating it too .... This IS to be respected, even if painful & the crime *worthy* of a divorce. I think very very few would DO that...under these circumstances ...and this is the shame...because they KNOW the PRICE ..... Honesty = divorce. 

And Yes, I would want to know. For me, it would be 10 times worse to fall into my hands if I learn AFTER the fact.

My husband was a little torn over this question, but ultimetly he said he would want to know. He did say, nomatter what he decided (divorce or staying) that it was something precious we'd never get back, lost forever.


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## livelaughlovenow

SimplyAmorous said:


> Here is how I feel... (or I can speculate)....If my husband did this while I was a pleasing seductress awaiting his return ... skyping at his fingertips, abundant sex & bj's -keeping his pecker happy & nearly numb... then I would likely divorce over it... cause it would be like :wtf: How easily you could have just used her "as a fantasy" in your little head & kept the pecker in your pants.
> 
> However ... If I was NOT doing my part as a desirous loving wife -with an attitide of "giving" in the bedroom....If I offered obligatory sex, pity sex... he felt neglected, lonely, craving, missing out on passion ....and fell due to these reasons...
> 
> ...Make no mistake....I would still be livid, be crying while I punched him & might kick him in the nuts ....but I believe , after some cooling off, I would be asking how this happened..We'd talk it out fully.....I would dig deep & question my own hand in how HE came to such a place....IF he was feeling those things...
> 
> And if he came clean immediately....with tears, how he did wrong, how he would do anything to re-live that night again, how he hates himself , never wanted to hurt me...If I felt his sorrow , genuine remorsefulness, if this was never his character before this night .... This would speak to me.
> 
> Yes...it IS a horrendous weak moment to fall into -one that will have lasting effects on any marriage -and slice the TRUST for years to come ... but I am not one to believe every instance such as this deserves Divorce. No, not at all.
> 
> I can accually think of worse things .... one if them is enduring a sexless passionless marraige....for years.
> 
> Telling immediately should not be overlooked in this....I see this as a condition of the
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> wanting to DO the RIGHT THING no matter what -even in the face of biting his own hand/destructing his own life -not a matter of getting his cake & eating it too .... This IS to be respected, even if painful & the crime *worthy* of a divorce. I think very very few would DO that...under these circumstances ...and this is the shame...because they KNOW the PRICE ..... Honesty = divorce.
> 
> And Yes, I would want to know. For me, it would be 10 times worse to fall into my hands if I learn AFTER the fact.
> 
> My husband was a little torn over this question, but ultimetly he said he would want to know. He did say, nomatter what he decided (divorce or staying) that it was something precious we'd never get back, lost forever.


I too askedmy husband the question and he said betrayal of the vow of solidarity is just that regardless of reason...you tiurn in towards fixing the marriage, exhaust all efforts first and if that doesn't work part ways then go seek your sexual happiness. Kinda surprised me because we had a point where I had some drive issues and almost expected to find him cheating despite having sex once a week because he made me feel so horrible about that not being enough, and then it turned into duty sex....we are far better now, but he didn't waiver, said some clean and pray to god your wife forgives you, but know you have some serious trust to rebuild.


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## Stonewall

This one is very hard to answer. I can argue it booth ways but I think in the end I would not want to know. That is making a lot of assumptions one of which is that I could never know unless she told me. If I could find out some other way then yes I would want her to tell me. If not then I would want her not to tell me. That sounds a little convoluted but there it is.


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## Hope1964

How is it possible to ever say with 100% certainty that the BS would never find out?? The situation as described in the OP is purely hypothetical, and I do not think could ever exist in reality.


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## IndiaInk

I've asked myself this question before, along with some of my girlfriends...in a way my answer surprises even me...because it's certainly not the honorable or romantic answer...it's just based on logic:

No.

I wouldn't want to know.

I don't actually believe any marriage can ever really recover from infidelity.

It's a complete deal breaker for me...just because, even if I wanted to make the marriage work, even if I knew my husband was deeply regretful...resentment would build under the surface...whether it took 3 weeks, 3 months, 3 years...the marriage would die...I have no doubt.

So...since I'm going to assume that this admission would ultimately kill your marriage...and because this was a one-off incident (I HOPE)...and provided you feel your wife is "happy" in you marriage---I think confessing would do more harm than good to all parties involved.


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## dixieangel

It could take several months for HIV to show positive results.

But I'd like to play devils advocate here. Finding about infidelity can be so traumatizing and devastating, I really do wish I had never known about it. My life would be much better today. I hate to say it, but it's really how I feel.


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## hotdogs

I would not like to know. I see no point in knowing this indiscretion. It was a mistake probably made out of drunken retardation and we are all human at our core. 
The only reason I'd want to know would be to relieve my husband of his guilt. Guilt can really **** things up in a marriage.
But seriously, one stupid move has no place ruining a family and knowing me, I'd ruin my family over it. No no no my answer is no.


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## Trenton

I would want to know so badly it would hurt.


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## mina

I would certainly want to know that cheating was a possibility before it happened so that I would have a chance to belly up to the bar a little bit and satisfy him so that he didn't have a need to stray. 

I have always said that if my husband cheated I would look to myself first as to why. still seems reasonable even after everything I have read on TAM.


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## jennifer1986

IndiaInk said:


> I don't actually believe any marriage can ever really recover from infidelity.


Plenty of marriages do recover. Mine did. 

IMHO, the people saying "I do not want to know" do have ostrich-type behavior. Burying your head in sand is not going to drive the enemy away. 

In this particular scenario as depicted, the couple have plenty of issues to work on. This can definitely serve as a wake-up call for the LD spouse. 

Yes, the marriage can break over it, but there is the alternative where 2 people both search within their souls what went wrong with the marriage, how they are gonna work on it, and the marriage emerges much stronger. 

Yes, I WOULD want to know, and I think my h would definitely tell me. 

Yes, I WOULD tell my h. I don't know if he would want to know, but there is no way I can hide it. Pretty sure he would prefer the honesty. 

AND WHAT THE HELL WAS THE GUY DOING WITHOUT PROPER PROTECTION? 

Gimme a break.


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## dixieangel

I'm going on 7 years of panic attacks and anxiety because of the trauma of one episode of infidelity....the stress has taken years off of my life I'm sure. I had a very difficult childhood too, so I think this put me over the edge. I am not the same person. So, maybe that should be taken into account before telling someone. I find myself longing for my innocence. Ignorance really is bliss......the damage cannot be undone.

The ONLY good thing that came from my experience is that I have gained empathy for those who have gone through it.


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## Mommie0203071012

Personally i would somehow find out. I may not know right away but if i ever did find out anything i would be ubber MAD!!!

If he has an STD and kindly shared it with me i would of been ticked off.

Thankfully my husband has been faithful throughout our 13 years being together (married for 12 of those 13 years) I have also been faithful. I could never sleep with another man behind his back and not come forward to tell him. My conscious would eat at my soul and i would feel crushed. 

Oh and my husband goes on business trips too, but when he's at the hotel he doesn't share the hotel room with another woman, its usually another man, there was this one time it was with another woman, And i consented it I knew there wasn't going to be any hanky panky going on. Shes married to a wonderful man and wouldn't want to jeopardize their relationship and my husband knows better. I would be gone with my kids and he wouldn't see them again.


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## Runs like Dog

The CDC announced they've almost run out of drugs to treat gonorrhea - not the quantity - the actual type of drugs that still work. In the US there's down to a single drug still effective. Beyond that we're left with nothing. So yeah, I'd like to know if the ho bag was ho bagging it around town picking up drug resistant microbes.


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## in my tree

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> You can go 6 months without testing postive for HIV. So whomever this was should get his head out of his butt and realize that getting tested for std's and coming up clean is just information at one point in time, there are no guarantees.


Yes so in the meantime condoms would have to be used. How would that be explained? Unless the ws had no respect for the other person's health.


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## SepticChange

I'd want to know. Physical touch is my main love language so sexual intimacy would hurt more than anything and with him being my husband, he would know that. The fact that he went behind my back and did it anyway means he doesn't care for me like he should. He should tell me so I can get rid of him. I deserve to know.


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## SepticChange

hotdogs said:


> I would not like to know. I see no point in knowing this indiscretion. It was a mistake probably made out of drunken retardation and we are all human at our core.
> The only reason I'd want to know would be to relieve my husband of his guilt. Guilt can really **** things up in a marriage.
> But seriously, one stupid move has no place ruining a family and knowing me, I'd ruin my family over it. No no no my answer is no.



So you excuse minor stupid indiscretions such as this?


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## credamdóchasgra

YES


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## sinnister

Interesting answers although I didnt read the whole thread. I'm surprised to read how many people are ready to decide but on such little information. I know that for a lot of people here cheating is a clear cut deal breaker. But for others there are shades of grey that complicate the black and white.

For me personally - at this point in time, I dont think I would want to know. I am normal drive, she is basically no drive. And I still dont think I'd want to know.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

Yes, absolutely tell!


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## Thor

Coffee Amore said:


> You can't have a marriage based on lies, secrets and deceit. I guarantee that on some level his infidelity will affect his marriage even if the wife doesn't know about the cheating.
> .
> .
> .
> Withholding such information from me is incredibly patronizing. So he gets to decide how much I can handle? Am I five year old or a grown woman? If my husband withheld the truth from me that way, it would be manipulative, cowardly and disrespectful. Cowardly because he's ultimately protecting himself from the natural consequences of his actions. Patronizing because he would be deciding for me what's best for my life. He's deciding for me the truth of my life. As a sane, mentally competent adult, I get to make those decisions, not him, not anyone else. I would have liked to have been respected enough as a human being that one of the people who knew could have told me the truth about something that happened in my life.


:iagree: From my own situation I especially identify with that last paragraph. As an adult human we have the inherent right to self direction of our destiny. Nobody else has the right to deceive us into making decisions we would not make were we fully informed. A loving respectful spouse does not use deceit and manipulation.


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## working_together

Rowan said:


> I think most people truly do lack the self control it takes to stop doing something pleasurable, and for which they see no real downside, unless there are penalties for continuing. Something that is gotten away with once tends to be a temptation from then on. It might have been a one time thing. He might be remorseful (or appear so). However, I think there's a good chance it might turn into 'a one time thing' _every time_ it happens. And he might be 'remorseful' _every time _he does it. But not remorseful enough to stop doing it unless there are real consequences.
> 
> Without consequences, the behavior continues, because the positives outweigh the negatives from the wayward husband's point of view. He's getting good sex and a fabulous ego boost, and he gets to keep his wife and family at home without all the mess and financial hit of a divorce. There's no down-side, to his mind, for doing this. So he doesn't stop.


And you know what??? there are so many wives that take back their husbands after they've had affairs, and continue to allow themselves to be treated in a disrespectful manner even once they do know the truth....

there's just no winning it seems.

Women seem to be more forgiving of "indiscretions", while men can't bear the thought of another man having their wife, and feel entirely emasculated etc. One thing is true, marriages seldom recover from it...that lack of trust never leaves the relationship after that.

I just hate this topic, brings up too many bad memories.


Maybe I would want to know....I don't know really.

My heart goes out to those people this has happened to.


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## Created2Write

I would want to know. Cheating is one mistake. Lying is a second, and just because it would "hurt" her feelings and likely the marriage, doesn't justify keeping the truth from her. There are consequences for our actions, and if he wanted her to stay married to him, he shouldn't have risked his marriage on a hot stranger.


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## the guy

Created2Write said:


> I would want to know. Cheating is one mistake. Lying is a second, and just because it would "hurt" her feelings and likely the marriage, doesn't justify keeping the truth from her. There are consequences for our actions, and if he wanted her to stay married to him, he shouldn't have risked his marriage on a hot stranger.


Cheating isn't a mistake its a choice, but then again if you forgot you were married then I guess it could have been a mistake....but I doubt it.


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## Created2Write

the guy said:


> Cheating isn't a mistake its a choice, but then again if you forgot you were married then I guess it could have been a mistake....but I doubt it.


I didn't mean "mistake" in the sense of, "Oops, didn't mean for that to happen". I meant that it really is a mistake, a wrong doing. And yes, a choice. Lying is also a mistake and a choice.


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## Emerald

I would want to know but the scenario you describe wouldn't destroy me. I am an honest person & would like to think I'm married to one..and for those that do not want to know, I completely respect your choice.


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## DangerousCurves

dixieangel said:


> I'm going on 7 years of panic attacks and anxiety because of the trauma of one episode of infidelity....the stress has taken years off of my life I'm sure. I had a very difficult childhood too, so I think this put me over the edge. I am not the same person. So, maybe that should be taken into account before telling someone. I find myself longing for my innocence. Ignorance really is bliss......the damage cannot be undone.
> 
> The ONLY good thing that came from my experience is that I have gained empathy for those who have gone through it.


You make an excellent point here. I think whether or not the wife can handle such news should also be taken into consideration. 

I'm sorry for what your suffering, btw


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## gbrad

1. If she cheated, I wouldn't want to know. You did it, if you have guilt, you need to hold on to that. Spare me of that knowledge. While I will admit, I have never cheated or been cheated on, I don't have serious feelings on the matter. If I was cheated on and wanted to still be with her, I could forgive. There would be trust issues after that of course, but things happen, you move on. 
2. If I did it, I would not share that information with her. I believe that the cheater should not be able to relieve the guilt by telling the other person. All that does is take the weight off your shoulders and put the pain on them. If you do it, that is your burden to carry. Telling them is worse.


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## anonim

gbrad said:


> 1. If she cheated, I wouldn't want to know. You did it, if you have guilt, you need to hold on to that. Spare me of that knowledge. While I will admit, I have never cheated or been cheated on, I don't have serious feelings on the matter. If I was cheated on and wanted to still be with her, I could forgive. There would be trust issues after that of course, but things happen, you move on.
> 2. If I did it, I would not share that information with her. I believe that the cheater should not be able to relieve the guilt by telling the other person. All that does is take the weight off your shoulders and put the pain on them. If you do it, that is your burden to carry. Telling them is worse.


this assumes that it is a one time thing.


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## gbrad

anonim said:


> this assumes that it is a one time thing.


one time thing or possible multiple time affair with someone.


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## sisters359

> Re: Would you want to know?
> 
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> 
> 
> 
> 
> :
> Originally Posted by MaritimeGuy
> The other aspect I wonder about is generational. I find many of us of older generations place more meaning to the sex act than the younger generations. It appears to the younger generation sex is no more meaningful than shaking hands. I'm wondering if the response to this question is different for them.
> 
> 
> 
> Good question. I would also like to know that.
Click to expand...

I'm out of sync with this, IF the generational pattern is holding true--
The older I get, the less significant the sex act seems to be when discussing "love."

I would want someone I love to be happy, and so I would want them to confess/not confess depending on what worked best for them (assuming the perfect, magical world in which no STDs would be risked and we would continue to love each other).

If I were disabled/ill and unable to satisfy my partner sexually, I'd want him to find someone to enjoy sex with--again, assuming a perfect scenario, where he would continue to love and care for me, too. 

The older I get, the less "love" is about ownership or exclusivity.


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## SimplyAmorous

sisters359 said:


> If I were disabled/ill and unable to satisfy my partner sexually, I'd want him to find someone to enjoy sex with--again, assuming a perfect scenario, where he would continue to love and care for me, too.


 Me & my husband have talked about scenerios like this....and hope we never live to see the day.. we both feel it would be very very difficult to deal with...and we'd both want the other's happiness. 

It's "Easy" to talk about the "What IF's" of life when things are good... until the reality accually visits our door... I really don't feel we can say for absolute certainty HOW we might react / how we may handle it.


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## donny64

Assuming things are "as good" as they seem to be now, and this was truly a "one time drunken mistake" or something along those lines? On the surface I'd say no, I wouldn't want to know.

On the other hand, just the fact it happened likely means there's much more at the core of it than just a "drunken mistake". Somewhere, somehow, the relationship has "slipped". And it's in trouble. And now there's something very significant between us, which will be there forever, eating away at the foundation of it. 

I love the belief I can trust my W. I love the belief that if she screws up, she'll have the integrity to own up to it. So, in the end, yes, I'd want to know. It would have to come from her, however. If I found out another way (snooping, a slip up, a friend spills the beans, etc), I don't think the relationship could survive, because I could never know if she was telling me the truth...the most important thing to me. If she came to me with it, and I felt the relationship was otherwise salvageable, well then, I'd try to give it another chance, possibly, if there were no other significant undlerlying issues on her side that couldn't be repaired. If she didn't come forward on her own, I could never trust her to tell me the truth again, and that would be a catastrophic loss of confidence in her for me.


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## SadSamIAm

If it was a 'one time thing', I wouldn't want to know.

For me, I have a great deal invested in my marriage. I love my wife and I know she loves me. We have been together 28 years, have built a family, saved for retirement and I am looking forward to spending the last 1/3 of my life with her.

I would feel differently if we were only married for a few years and certainly different again if we had no children.

I understand people can make a mistake. I believe I would stay with my wife if she was remorseful (don't tell my wife that though).

If she told me, I would always distrust her. It would drive me crazy knowing what she did. Even though I understand that people make mistakes, I wouldn't be able to let it go.

Since I would stay with her, I would rather not know.


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## donny64

> If she told me, I would always distrust her. It would drive me crazy knowing what she did. Even though I understand that people make mistakes, I wouldn't be able to let it go.


That's how I feel...to a point. However, while I might _doubt_ her from time to time, if she came to me and owned up to it, I could at least feel that while she might be capable of a "mistake", that I could *trust* that she'd own up to it and not hide it if she did make a "mistake". I'd have the "trust" that at least I was dealing with a known person and a known set of circumstances and was being permitted to make my own decisions and judgments based on *all the facts*. That's much bigger to me than a "ONS" or "mistake".

Just the fact she'd come to me with it lends much more credibility to the possibility it was a "mistake" and there was true remorse, and that it wasn't a planned, "here's my chance" fling. One I could forgive. The other I could not. She does not know I feel like this, and pray she (we) never has to find out the distinction between the two the hard way. Should it ever happen, her "coming forward" has to be on her, and her decision to do the right thing, and not because she feels it's the only way to save our marriage. I won't give her that "out". It's all on her to do the right thing.


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## HappyHubby

Hi. 

I'll tell you what my wife actually told me not too long ago when we were discussing cheating.

She said 'if you did I would not want you to tell me. It would ruin everything.'

Since it was just a ONS I would say no and the H should use that guilt to drive him towards being an even better person and H for his wife. He should repeat his vows to himself and own them as a religious person would own the contents of their prayers.


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