# 2 Weeks In



## moline (Sep 21, 2017)

So my wife of 20 years filed for separation after we just couldn't seem to meet eye to eye to the last several years. What really sucks is I found out she was having (still having) a back and forth illicit relationship with another man down in FL via text and phone. 

It started back in May of this year and really started getting heavy with text and calls while I was at work. Currently I'm dealing with some anxiety issues which contributed to some breakdowns in communication over the years, but through counseling I have learned to quit beating myself up because I have been a good father (we have an 8 year old girl and 16 yr old boy). She took the kids and is living with my mother-in-law, recently divorced from her husband of 40 years who cheated on her like 5 times... so go figure that influence. Bottom line after being immobilized for a week not wanting to move or eat, I'm in a support group (DivorceCare) and also seeing my psychologist. 

I am slowly putting one foot forward after the other but find myself wanting to have her just come clean and tell me what I already know. She told me and our kids she had a pen pal (female) whom was located here in Maryland, well that was a lie after I saw the phone records over the past few months. I was devastated. She kept telling me after I got the email for separation and request to get representation for myself from her lawyer... I'll always love you. I find that to be some hard to deal with bull**** because I know we do have love (past) as we can't throw away 20 years, but you carried on this phone and text affair (I know she has not traveled to Florida) to see this person. 

She also said she wants to do this amicably but she left the house with the kids. My lawyer is ready to fight and I'm glad but I want to tread lightly in making sure my rights to my children are enforced. My son is mad right now and does not want to talk with me but I hope in time that will change. My daughter is always daddys girls and wants to be with me whenever she can. My son at 16 is completely expected as this is a tough time. Again I am determined to move forward and whoever this fling is I hope she realizes what she did and I know this is something she thinks makes her feel good but ultimately is something she will most likely regret. 

I just have to stop trying to get an apology as this is still fresh. Sad thing is she met this person online in a forum for PTSD. I have very mild PTSD from some work I did back in the day as a military person. Nothing violent or anything incapacitating, but finally had to admit the anxiety was something that I needed to seek help with. I still work for the Department of Defense as a civilian and love my job, and never really ever noticed it until I am reflecting on how I interact with people until I saw some signs for anxiety and how it affects people. 

So I'm working on me right now and making sure I continued to be there for my kids. I'm hoping my son will come around and giving him some spaces but its hard. I text him and leave a vm a few times a week. But we are 2 weeks in and still very fresh in this whole bombshell. I hope one day she will just be truthful and quit running from the talk that is deserved and honestly owed after 20 years. But I learned waiting on that right now does nothing to take care of me. 

Thanks for listening to my rambling. The first few days were vm's to her phone begging her to rethink us, but after seeing the intensity of this online relationship and calls daily, I'm resolved and determined to move on. If she is continuing this right now (4 months total) then she is not thinking about us and our marriage and that is not worth staying with someone who is not wanting it to continue. I am stronger than last week, but I keep hearing the eerie words from friends who have been through separation/divorce telling me its going to get worse.... gee thanks for the confidence. You feel like moving on, but wait its going to get worse before the year separation req is over :smile2:

I find her attempt to make this limited in the courts and not wanting to crush or destroy me hard to comprehend because she is still hiding stuff. My lawyer said to keep the joint account open but move my direct deposits into an account I control. She is the mother of our kids for 20 years, I still want to make sure everything is paid for, but as a homemaker she paid the bills for years. My lawyer informed me to just make sure they are taken care of and pay directly to bills and other things as you once did. That was hard for me to do because I think this will be a bone of contention, but I have to look out for my interest and the kids. I'm still going to make sure they have everything, my lawyer just wanted to make sure she was not running the show with finances since she is the one who initiated this. (charging cards, spending cash erroneously). 

I know he knows the law inside out I just have to make sure its not WWIII and more of best thing for the kids and as little turmoil as possible. But I'm not dumb and will not be played as a pawn either, if she is still being dishonest... how do I know what else she would do.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Let her go. Continue going.

She is a lost cause. You are not.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Exposure of her affair is your best course of action. Don't be affraid of telling the truth.

Fear is your worst enemy at this time. Is her other man married. If so inform his wife.

Exposure should be done all at once without warning. Cut off all unnecessary contact. Only resond about kids or business text/email only. Never answer a phone call direct. Let it go to voice mail. If it's not kid or business related no response is needed.

Don't worry about pushing her away she's already gone.

Better wake up. She's manipulating you.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

@moline Can you please edit your post to include paragraphs? It makes it a lot easier to read, so more people are likely to do so.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Cheaters lie, hide and deny. If You are expecting anything else you'll be disappointed.

Betrayed spouse syndrome.
Cry, beg and plead.
Doing the "Pick Me Dance"
Wanting to believe their lies and staying in denial
Paralyzed with fear of them leaving when they already have.
Giving them control of you and your life
Helping hide their affair
Not applying a no contact policy
Waiting for them and not going your own way


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I totally agree with the betrayed spouse syndrome. 
OP she's gone.
Separate all finances and ties with her.
Get a good lawyer and fight her for 50/50 custody.
Never ever ever be weak enough to think she still has any love for you. Whether it's 20 or 200 years you had together, once it's gone it's gone. You have to accept what is and act accordingly with a firm resolve. 

Women are not hard to find. Get rid of your cheater and find a loyal woman.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Why is your son angry with YOU when MOM is the one cheating??


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## moline (Sep 21, 2017)

Thank you definitely felt confident today filing with court and she should be served soon.


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## moline (Sep 21, 2017)

Thank you, your words were exactly as my attorney stated. I just want access to the kids and to be their father. I signed filing paperwork today and she should be served sometime next week.


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## moline (Sep 21, 2017)

Done, thank you for the heads up


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

3Xnocharm said:


> Why is your son angry with YOU when MOM is the one cheating??


I would really like to know this as well.


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## moline (Sep 21, 2017)

My son is angry because he has heard me and mom fighting the past several years (bickering not violence). He does not know anything about her relationship online with this other dude. He just knows his Dad and mom came to this point. He told my wife he wished he could do something before. Well she has him up at my mother in laws house and right now he needs someone to blame. I always taught him to be moms protector when I'm not there so that's what he's doing. I am giving him time and writing him a letter since he doesn't want to see me right now. Right now this is all dads fault in his eyes. I take my share of responsibility but with kids, especially a teenage son they don't see both sides.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You'll find the truth fixes a lot of things. Helping them hide their affair won't get you much.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Nor would it be the time to share that with him either... it may hurt a little now, but when the truth surfaces his respect for your respect will show the compassion of your patience with him.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

3Xnocharm said:


> Why is your son angry with YOU when MOM is the one cheating??


Boys love their mothers. He does not want to think she is at fault.

When he finds out later that Mom was getting romantic with another man, he will be angry at everyone.

The mother may have fed him lies for supper. 
More likely she told him that "Dad" is not well, is having mental issues. And that she is at her ropes end. Cannot live with him anymore, anyhoo.

I would tell the daughter the truth about Mom's EA....AFTER the settlement and divorce is completed. No sense, getting the WW incensed prior to legal closure.

Your WW wants this over as quickly as possible. The POS..*OM may be just a crutch*...for her. Someone to vent with. Dunno. Time will tell.
She used the word Pen Pal...that is a clue to her possible feelings about this dude. She offhandedly said this Pen Pal had no blunt pen. You know, the pal was a female. A lie, of course, The Pen Pal angle, may be reality. After the divorce, see who she hooks up with. The daughter will tell you.

*For POSOM? He has no crutch, nope, he wants to use his walking stick on her. *


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

moline said:


> My son is angry because he has heard me and mom fighting the past several years (bickering not violence). He does not know anything about her relationship online with this other dude. He just knows his Dad and mom came to this point. He told my wife he wished he could do something before. Well she has him up at my mother in laws house and right now he needs someone to blame. I always taught him to be moms protector when I'm not there so that's what he's doing. I am giving him time and writing him a letter since he doesn't want to see me right now. Right now this is all dads fault in his eyes. I take my share of responsibility but with kids, especially a teenage son they don't see both sides.



Give your son the other man's phone # and a copy of all the phone calls and text records going back 1 year. Tell your son when you and his mother got married you both agreed 1 + 1 =2, not 3. Tell him all the fights he witnessed are because his mother has been having an affair with this man who has been the dead center of the breakdown of your marriage. 

Explain to him that no self respecting father is going to tolerate this and that you fought to preserve your family but your mother decided that this new man was more important to her than the father of her children. Explain that clearly.

Then tell your son to call the man and ask him why has he been texting and spending hours and hours on the phone for months with a married women who has children? 

Tell your son to ask him why are you helping to break up my family?


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

moline said:


> My son is angry because he has heard me and mom fighting the past several years (bickering not violence). He does not know anything about her relationship online with this other dude. He just knows his Dad and mom came to this point. He told my wife he wished he could do something before. Well she has him up at my mother in laws house and right now he needs someone to blame. I always taught him to be moms protector when I'm not there so that's what he's doing. I am giving him time and writing him a letter since he doesn't want to see me right now. Right now this is all dads fault in his eyes. I take my share of responsibility but with kids, especially a teenage son they don't see both sides.


Tell him.

Wallpaper the entire town with her behavior.

She and posOM should answer for their perfidy.


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