# My life has been completely uprooted in the last 6 days



## hipcat77 (Nov 28, 2011)

My life has been completely uprooted in the last 6 days. 
Here is some background, over the last 3 months, my husband has been traveling alot for work and at the same time found a love for the casino. We went out there a couple of times together but it wasn't really my thing so I didn't continue to go much. It started where he was coming home later and later and getting irritated when I would call him asking him when he was coming home. I then have noticed that he was falling behind on some of his financial obligations.(We do not have shared bank accounts because he is bad at money managing to begin with) He is behind on his car payment, borrowing amounts of money from his mom and telling her it is for other things. She recently just had to bail him out of a $4K situation. So because of all of this, we have been arguing a lot lately. There has been a lot of tension and defensiveness going on when I ask him about things. So just last my husband had been away on business and was diagnosed with walking pheumonia and ear infection. Due to the ear infection, he could not fly home. The trip pushed into about a week and a half then he came home Thanksgiving morning. He was still sick and a little drained. He told me he had to run over to his parents house and left. He called me an hour later crying and telling me that he cant do this any longer. He is tired of arguing and money problems and is not happy. He is not happy with himself, he is not happy with work, with us with anything. He said he was going to stay at his bosses house to watch his dogs and that he needed his space. He wasn't asking me for a divorce but I needed to give him this. Then he left crying hysterically on Thanksgiving alone. Where would I have gone on that holiday to spoil someone's else holiday? I was crushed and just heartbroken. We have been married 4 years but together for 14. He said that he would call me later. Later that afternoon I called him and still could not stop crying. He came by the next morning and we went for coffee. It was alot of the same, crying hysterically and not understanding. He again said he would call me later. Instead he just sent me a text and said he was going to bed and would talk to me later. I called him anyway and he was frustrated by me. I sent him a text the next morning and then later left a message. He didn't respond to either. It was killing me. The next day was much of the same, no contact. Over the weekend I had responded to an email that I had received from his mom and said that I might need to talk to her. She invited me over to her house. I went over there and talked about what had transpired. We talked and it was good. I was really upset and just needed their support. They have always been good inlaws and I was actually friends with his mom before we had met. She questioned me about where all of his money has gone. She asked if I thought he had a drug problem, or drinking and that is when I told her about the gambling and how I think he has a problem. The next day I thought about some of the things that she had said and how some of things he had been telling her had been lies when he was borrowing money. It led me to think of some other things that seemed weird to me. Lately when he had been traveling, he would send me the travel details that were in a different format than usual. The travel info only showed the flights and they were images almost like they were cut and pasted off of Delta's website. Then I logged into his Delta account and could see that he hadn't traveled for about 2 months. I then pulled up a card that he has me as an authorized party on and could see money withdrawls at the casino on the days that he was supposed to traveling. Not one transaction was from another state. He has been lying about things. I was furious, scared and hurt. I felt that I had to share this with his mom because I am really concerned and we were both lied to. He had even missed his dad's open heart surgery because he was "traveling". She was furious. He called her while we were on the phone and she unleashed on him. They then got into it and then he called me and unleashed on me. He said that I asked you to give me space and you had to go to my mom and tell her all of this so now I want a divorce. He went on yelling at me and then said you want to know something, I met someone and we dont fight about money and she doesnt care about my finances. He said that he's only seen her four times or something like that. I was just numb and hurt. Later that even he sent me a text and said that he will always love me and misses me and wishes that it didn't have to be this way. the last couple of days have just been up and down. We had dinner last night and talked a little bit. I talked to him about the things that he said that were making him so unhappy and said that why cant we make some major changes to the things that make him so unhappy. I felt like he was taking some things in and then he would stop and say no I thing we should just end this. He seems to think that I am going to continue be his best friend and stay in his life. That is just crazy. He said this girl is a friend and he is not sleeping with her. Now in the course of our 14 year relationship, we have had this happen 2 times before. Once after about a year of dating, he met someone and then they eventually eloped. It lasted a month and she left. Then he tried to win me back and after a lot of begging, I caved. Then about 7 years in we had another hiccup where he wanted his own place. We lived apart for like 2 months and then we moved back in. So obviously right now I just dont know what to think about. I am dying here. I cant eat, I cant sleep, I cant work out. Its been a week and I have lost 10 lbs. I just no what to do. I really feel like it is to soon to rush into a divorce. Is there any hope that we can fix this mess? He said that we could talk more this weekend.


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## ferndog (Dec 2, 2011)

try writting down all your thoughts and questions you need answers to. see what responses he gives you and in time see if any changes are taking place. Keep in mind, change is hard but can be done if the person is determined, and the gambling must stop completely. I like to gamble myself but bills come first. Don't be afraid to be a partner just don't be a door mat. Value yourself, my wife just left me because of my self esteem issues so if your husband loves you like i love my wife, he will make an effort and change, but it must be to better himself, This will make him stronger and be able to give instead of taking and lying. Worst case he doesn't change or come back one day he will realize how special you are. I speak from the heart and experience. keep busy and try to work it out completely. but by all means you don't want to be with a gambler who is out of control. He may win sometimes but remember the house always wins and the only house that should be winning is yours


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## asumnersummer (Dec 8, 2011)

Absolutely as above. I write out pros and cons lists now about everything. I filed for divorce from my husband months ago and I tell ya what I wished I had done it long ago. If u r so unhappy just get a divorce and move on. Life is to short to be miserable. Im now after 11 years of marriage the happiest ive been in a long time. I have my kids and single me although I just wish my divorce was over. My husband just keeps fighting. Take note though, my divorce has costed me $19000 so far. I am running out of money so quickly but I just hope that he comes to the party. Hang in their girlfriend. He wont change, thats the problem. He sounds like a man who is set in his ways.
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## asumnersummer (Dec 8, 2011)

Sorry typo 15 years of marriage not 11. Good luck again.
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