# Am I too sensitive or did he say something stupid?



## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

So things are going fine, so why does he have to say something stupid:scratchhead:

We went to a friend's house last night and we were drinking with them and my friend asked my husband does he have a tattoo. He said no, he'd recently thought about it but decided not to do it (major reason for not doing it was the tattoo artist was a friend and doing it very inexpensively...he however is a family member of the girl dh cheated with. So I kind of said "do I need a permanent reminder? anyway...)

She asked him what kind of tattoo and he explained the designs he came up with. Two different ones with our children's initials, turned in to a design. So my friend says "not your wife" and he said he hadn't really planned to and she said then why do your kids' initials and he said "kids are forever". I got a little pissed. My friend said she totally got it and I shouldn't be upset about what he said....ok someone want to explain it???? :scratchhead:

Now (this is where we women frustrate men I think) I do not care if he gets my initials tattooed anywhere on him (except not on his butt, that's just rude) or not. That's not the point. I care about his response. So I waited until we got home and I said so if the kids are forever I guess I'm not. He really couldn't explain this and he ended up making me cry for even saying it at all. He kept saying that I had it all wrong but it didn't seem to me he was disagreeing. All he could say is he was 100% committed and he was a little sad that his actions didn't demonstrate that. I told him its been exactly one month how could trust be rebuilt that fast particularly when he makes comments like this. Yeah, I believe he is 100% committed....TODAY. He said that was not true, he was not going anywhere ever and would love me forever. Maybe I should have left it at that 

But, I said you must have some small doubt or you never would have said that. He said "there are never any guarantees". My answer ..."B.S.! Marriage vows are a guarantee. When I let you come back, you told me again how you would love, honor, and respect me forever and this marriage was forever. Now you say no guarantees. I do deserve a guarantee and if you are going back on that get out!". 

Worst part of this, I am not sober, and completely sick. I shouldn't have gone to our friends I have pnuemonia and so congested I can hardly breath. Crying is making it so much worse and its 3am by this time so I left. Of course I am wearing the smallest of night gowns and he didn't realize I left, but figured it out and went running down the street after me in his underwear (seriously we are very entertaining I'm sure). 

In the end, we did make up and he said "It was just a stupid thing to say and I am committed to the marriage forever". So I decided to move on and try to put it behind me but I'm having trouble doing that as it raised doubt. :scratchhead:


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## brad (Jul 31, 2008)

I understand where he is coming from with his statement. "kids are forever" is so true. The bond you have with your kids is not dependent on any type of romantic notions. Not much could break that up. I feel like he does. It sounds like he should have done more to pacify your sensitive emotions. 

Because of what happened in the past you probably a bit more sensitive. But when you do these things you lose a bit of that power you have built up for yourself. You reacted and now you regret it a bit.


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## bluebutterfly0808 (Aug 18, 2008)

i don't know your whole background but i sounds like he did something in the past that makes you feel insecure! therefore, when something like this happens, it easily spirals out of control. my opinion is that if he made you more sensitive by something he did in the past, he needs to keep reassuring that everything is fine now. sometimes they need a reminder that the past has changed you, like it or not!


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

My H broke my trust pretty severely in the past too and we've had numerous spastic fights over it. i think these things just happen and you just have to learn from it and move on. Just accept that you still have some very raw emotions and that he's going to need to keep reassuring you.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Having misgivings or doubt, I think is absolutely normal under the circumstances. I'm talking yours, not his. Try to keep balance in mind when you feel waves of doubt. You expressed being upset by his comment - and he responded instead of being dismissive. He is attempting to reassure you of his commitment, instead of ignoring you and leaving you to wonder. When you storm out of the house half-naked, he comes after you, also half-naked. That is a good thing. It isn't a resolution, I don't mean to minimize how much work remains to be done - but from this bitter outsider's point of view, he appears to be engaged in the process of _trying_ to work towards repairing your bond.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

> But, I said you must have some small doubt or you never would have said that. He said "there are never any guarantees". My answer ..."B.S.! Marriage vows are a guarantee. When I let you come back, you told me again how you would love, honor, and respect me forever and this marriage was forever. Now you say no guarantees. I do deserve a guarantee and if you are going back on that get out!".


Marriage vows are not a guarentee, but his children will always be his children and he will always love them. His kids should come first even over you. I think the fact he didn't get the tattoo because of who the artist is attached to is nuts. It is one thing to never forget what he did but if you never truly forgive him then your relationship will never get good again.

draconis


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## bluebutterfly0808 (Aug 18, 2008)

draconis said:


> I think the fact he didn't get the tattoo because of who the artist is attached to is nuts. It is one thing to never forget what he did but if you never truly forgive him then your relationship will never get good again.
> 
> draconis



i don't agree. what is wrong with quietly avoiding something that may bring the past right back in your face. obviously they are still working out what happened and until then, he needs to be super respectful of the situation HE put himself in. forgiveness takes time & certain actions on the guilty persons side as well as the receiver.


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## pigpen (May 5, 2008)

I think the friend who asked the question about why he decided to not do your initials is an insensitive cad at worst and just plain clumsy at best.
Its likely your husband did not intend to hurt you with his choice of tatoo. But you are drunk and sick and in no position to deal with such painful topics. Sleep it off, get well and the re-evaluate.
Alcohol makes us say dumb stuff, being sick makes us vulnerable.
You are only hurting yourself with this line of thought.
Its best to let it lie for now and see if you think differently when you feel better.
Obviously your marriage needs work. But you can't work on it or the issues when you are not at your best.
Let it go for now.


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## loveandmarriage (Aug 8, 2008)

I see your point of view. IT IS NOT ABOUT THE TATOO. IT IS ABOUT HIM NOT SEEING YOU GUYS BEING MARRIED FOREVER. But honestly, do you actually think that marriage vows guarantee forever? I don't care what anyone says, married is conditional love. There are deal breakers that can breakup a marriage, which also breakup the love between spouses. (Ex. if your husband was a serial cheater, would you stay married to him?) However, try not to focus on what may happen 20 or even 10 years from now. Instead, focus on what you can do right now to make your marriage a success.

I say cut the guy some slack. If you see he is trying now, celebrate and be happy that he is committed to you and your marriage now.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Your emotions are still somewhat raw and your sensitivity still on high alert...that is totally understandable (from where I sit) so I can understand why this upset you. It's only natural to hang on everything he says regarding your marriage and relationship because the hurt is still raw and you are looking for some reassurance that he is 100% vested in you and your marriage.

Who knows...maybe he talked about getting that with 'her' and at that point was thinking just the kids and since he got caught up in this conversation with you there he stumbled. Chalk it up to a set-back...they are bound to happen, especially this early on, but don't let it unravel all of the progress you both are making.


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## stumped (May 16, 2008)

I understand both sides...your sensitivity to the issue and his kids are forever. 

Think outside the box for a minute....and put yourself in his shoes....if you were considering getting your childrens initials tatooed on your body as a symbol of your love and devotion to them would YOU also get your husbands inititals tatooed with it? Your children are a part of you they are something that you CREATED..you gave them life and no matter what happens they will always belong to you. Now please dont think that I dont take marriage vows very seriously because I do...but I would never get my husbands name or initials tatooed on my body...because you never know what may happen. So think about it like this...if you had his initials tatooed on you and you werent able to forgive him for the cheating would you like that constant reminder on your body???? 

I think the way he responded and the fact that you were sick and drinking may have affected your reaction. 

Just my opinion.


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## BlueCreek (May 5, 2008)

I actually completely understand both the decision not to get the tatoo and why his comment upset you. As for the tatoo, it's not the tatoo that's a reminder of the affair, but who would give him that tatoo. In the same situation, I would be constantly reminded by the affair as well, regardless what the subject matter of the tatoo was. Now, in time, if he still wants a tatoo that bad, he can get one from a studio and not the family member of the girl he cheated with. 

Also, I'd be ticked off too if my spouse made the same sort of comment that he did, and I know my wife would rip into me like there was no tomorrow if I'd said it, and I'd deserve. A lot are saying it's a valid response because kids are always forever though there is no guarantees with marriage vows. But I'm sorry, this has nothing to do with his kids being forever. OF COURSE they are. Everyone would get why "kids are forever" is a valid response when asked about tatooing their initials on your body. But it wasn't like he was just asked "why your kids?" The implied question was "why your kids and not your wife?"

Of course no one knows for sure about their marriage lasting forever, especially one that is recovering from an affair, while your kids will forever be in his heart. But that's not the point. I don't care if in his mind he doesn't know for sure yet if you two will make it, it's a calous and insenstive remark and deserves an apology.

Now, he appologized honestly, so forgive him and move on, the two of you have enough to work through. But your spouse said something that was insensitive and hurtful, and you had every right to call him on it.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I think it was stupid drunken statement and you ought to let it go.

That said, I hate this whole tattoo fad. How about honoring your children by providing for their future? Take the money it would cost to get one and buy a savings bond or stock shares or just put the money in a college fund for them?

A tattoo? What a waste of money.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

brad said:


> I understand where he is coming from with his statement. "kids are forever" is so true. The bond you have with your kids is not dependent on any type of romantic notions. Not much could break that up. I feel like he does. It sounds like he should have done more to pacify your sensitive emotions.
> 
> Because of what happened in the past you probably a bit more sensitive. But when you do these things you lose a bit of that power you have built up for yourself. You reacted and now you regret it a bit.


Sorry its been awhile since you posted and I responded. We actually took the weekend to take the kids camping. Nice to get away from all this garbage and we had a great time. Looks like pretty much everyone agrees with you. One thing I am trying really hard to do is not look at everything from my own narrow viewpoint so that's why I posted and I hoped to get honest and objective viewpoints like this. Thanks for adding some perspective. While I don't completely agree with his reasoning, I can see that its not from doubt that this marriage will last. That was the problem, I was seeing it as a statement of "maybe this won't work after all" and it was the wrong way to look at it. Thanks for your viewpoint.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

bluebutterfly0808 said:


> i don't know your whole background but i sounds like he did something in the past that makes you feel insecure! therefore, when something like this happens, it easily spirals out of control. my opinion is that if he made you more sensitive by something he did in the past, he needs to keep reassuring that everything is fine now. sometimes they need a reminder that the past has changed you, like it or not!


To catch you up a bit, he cheated on me with a girl half both of our ages...its been a month since it all came to light and he's wanted to work it out. For the most part things have been going better than I'd expect so it was a small set back but I think I can see this now for what it is, a small one not a huge stet back. Thanks for your opinion, it helps.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

ljtseng said:


> My H broke my trust pretty severely in the past too and we've had numerous spastic fights over it. i think these things just happen and you just have to learn from it and move on. Just accept that you still have some very raw emotions and that he's going to need to keep reassuring you.


Emotions being raw is so true, so is the need for reassurance. I'd like to get to that point where that is not necessary. I hope that you will too.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Deejo said:


> Having misgivings or doubt, I think is absolutely normal under the circumstances. I'm talking yours, not his. Try to keep balance in mind when you feel waves of doubt. You expressed being upset by his comment - and he responded instead of being dismissive. He is attempting to reassure you of his commitment, instead of ignoring you and leaving you to wonder. When you storm out of the house half-naked, he comes after you, also half-naked. That is a good thing. It isn't a resolution, I don't mean to minimize how much work remains to be done - but from this bitter outsider's point of view, he appears to be engaged in the process of _trying_ to work towards repairing your bond.


This is true, his old habit would be to let it go and let me stew. He did do his best to try to resolve it. So I have to give him that...these emotions are so raw and maybe only time will heal the wounds.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

draconis said:


> Marriage vows are not a guarentee, but his children will always be his children and he will always love them. His kids should come first even over you. I think the fact he didn't get the tattoo because of who the artist is attached to is nuts. It is one thing to never forget what he did but if you never truly forgive him then your relationship will never get good again.
> 
> draconis


I look at marriage this way. Marriage vows are YOUR guarantee that you will love, honor, respect and be faithful to the person you marry. True there are reasons that you may not be with that person forever. There are very few reasons that I would end my marriage...another affair would definately be one of them as well as if he turned out to be a really bad person...those are extenuating circumstances. Then I would not break the vows, I'd end the marriage. 

His vows should be his guarantee to me, or actually a better word is promise. So if you have faith and trust in the promise to me that is the same thing as a guarantee. True, one of us may die young but those are not the expected outcomes. 

I guess I want to look at it as permanent or to me (my opinion) why bother with marriage at all? I think the statistics of divorce are so high because people think if it doesn't work out we can always get a divorce....

Having said that, I'm glad he decided not to get the tattoo from this artist. Since the entire thing is symbolic, this to me would be part of the symbolism...a reminder of what happened. If he decides later to get the initials of the kids from a different artist, that is fine by me. The opinions here have helped me to open up my viewpoints, I don't get what he is saying but just because I don't get it doesn't mean that he's saying our marriage is temporary either.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

pigpen said:


> I think the friend who asked the question about why he decided to not do your initials is an insensitive cad at worst and just plain clumsy at best.
> Its likely your husband did not intend to hurt you with his choice of tatoo. But you are drunk and sick and in no position to deal with such painful topics. Sleep it off, get well and the re-evaluate.
> Alcohol makes us say dumb stuff, being sick makes us vulnerable.
> You are only hurting yourself with this line of thought.
> ...



It was insensitive of her, I agree although she has not a clue of what has just happened. We've pretty well hidden this from everyone. But even so.... of course alcohol amplifies my emotions so I've decided just to let this one go. Thanks!


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

loveandmarriage said:


> I see your point of view. IT IS NOT ABOUT THE TATOO. IT IS ABOUT HIM NOT SEEING YOU GUYS BEING MARRIED FOREVER. But honestly, do you actually think that marriage vows guarantee forever? I don't care what anyone says, married is conditional love. There are deal breakers that can breakup a marriage, which also breakup the love between spouses. (Ex. if your husband was a serial cheater, would you stay married to him?) However, try not to focus on what may happen 20 or even 10 years from now. Instead, focus on what you can do right now to make your marriage a success.
> 
> I say cut the guy some slack. If you see he is trying now, celebrate and be happy that he is committed to you and your marriage now.



I think maybe I am pretty naive...yeah I look at marriage vows as a promise forever. But for some that love is conditional. For me it wasn't. True if he was a serial cheater I would divorce him. However, stupid as it may sound I would still love him. Although if he were cheating like that he's saying to me he doesn't love me...But I will do as you suggest cut him some slack and let it go. Thanks!


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

mommy22 said:


> It is intended to be unconditional. Unfortunately, we're human and prone to serious error. I think it was more a slip of the tongue than anything. There's obviously still some insecurity there. Allow him to make it up to you. I'm not downplaying your feelings. In all fairness, I'd probably have the same reaction. On the upside, he's a man that will never walk out on his kids. With so many absentee parents out there, it's refreshing to see those dedicated to their children. He's a decent guy who said a dumb thing.


Thanks for your honesty and perspective.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

AZMOM-

you said:

>>>In the end, we did make up and he said "It was just a stupid thing to say and I am committed to the marriage forever".<<<

holy crud, i'd pay good money to hear that phrase!!! enjoy. and sleep well...


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## lovinmyhusband (Sep 24, 2008)

MARRIAGE IS FOREVER!!!maybe he should read the bible..i dont know what ur religon is but it says in the bible that your spouse comes first even before your children.i know that is hard to believe but its true. he was being a smart ass i would have beat my husbands butt!!he wouldnt need a tattoo he would have my hand print on dat a##!!lol...remind him girl that he is committed to you and your family!!


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

I don't consider my marriage temporary. Ten years never a problem, going great. But I would never get a tatoo with the wife's name on it. I would with my children. I thought I had a clear thing with my highschool sweetheart. A part of her name is emebdded into me (not a tatoo but to long to explain.) I thought my first wife would be forever too. That didn't work out. But my children have always been my children and I love them. I have no tats but if I had names it would be my kids only, and maybe my store too. That's it.

It's just my opinion. I think you over reacted.

draconis


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

draconis said:


> I don't consider my marriage temporary. Ten years never a problem, going great. But I would never get a tatoo with the wife's name on it. I would with my children. I thought I had a clear thing with my highschool sweetheart. A part of her name is emebdded into me (not a tatoo but to long to explain.) I thought my first wife would be forever too. That didn't work out. But my children have always been my children and I love them. I have no tats but if I had names it would be my kids only, and maybe my store too. That's it.
> 
> It's just my opinion. I think you over reacted.
> 
> draconis


Thanks for an open and honest answer. Helps to get some perspective. Given what I've been through I think I over analyze everything. Hopefully in time that won't be such a natural reaction.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

lovinmyhusband said:


> MARRIAGE IS FOREVER!!!maybe he should read the bible..i dont know what ur religon is but it says in the bible that your spouse comes first even before your children.i know that is hard to believe but its true. he was being a smart ass i would have beat my husbands butt!!he wouldnt need a tattoo he would have my hand print on dat a##!!lol...remind him girl that he is committed to you and your family!!


Thanks for your response. I'm with you. Marriage is forever. Its how I approach it. Its why he got a second chance. But I'm no doormat, there will be no third chance. Anyway, he said he's in it until the end and committed for the rest of our lives. I'm going with it and forget the tattoo. Not a big fan anyway, it was the sentiment which opinions in this post show I may have interpretted differently than his message was intended.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

voivod said:


> AZMOM-
> 
> you said:
> 
> ...


Yes those words do mean a lot and I am sleeping much better these days. Most days. I still have a bad day once in awhile but fewer and further between.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

AZMOMOFTWO said:


> Thanks for an open and honest answer. Helps to get some perspective. Given what I've been through I think I over analyze everything. Hopefully in time that won't be such a natural reaction.


In YOUR situation I can understand the reaction at this time. I might have done the same thing. One reason I believe that I never cheated is I don't put myself in bad situations.

draconis


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## bluebutterfly0808 (Aug 18, 2008)

AZMOMOFTWO said:


> Yes those words do mean a lot and I am sleeping much better these days. Most days. I still have a bad day once in awhile but fewer and further between.


don't beat yourself up about this whole thing! it's a rollercoaster of emotion that you didn't ask to be put on! how can you expect to be rational in your thinking? give yourself a break & hold your head high! hang in there & take care of yourself!


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## Mend (Sep 30, 2008)

I'm sure he doesn't mean anything by saying those words although he sound insensitive at that time. 
Maybe he is not aware everytime he does that (being insensitive), so be very patient.
And I admire you for handling that particular situation in a matured way because you waited to confront him until you arrived home.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

bluebutterfly0808 said:


> don't beat yourself up about this whole thing! it's a rollercoaster of emotion that you didn't ask to be put on! how can you expect to be rational in your thinking? give yourself a break & hold your head high! hang in there & take care of yourself!


Thanks! You are right about the roller coaster.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Mend said:


> I'm sure he doesn't mean anything by saying those words although he sound insensitive at that time.
> Maybe he is not aware everytime he does that (being insensitive), so be very patient.
> And I admire you for handling that particular situation in a matured way because you waited to confront him until you arrived home.


Thank you. I hadn't thought of that but you're right I did wait and handled it so much better as a result. I'm trying not to be too sensitive but on his end he's also trying now to think about what he is saying. Things have really improved in that regard.


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