# Not repeating dating mistakes



## petalhill (Dec 4, 2013)

Hi everyone! I left my husband over a year ago and our divorce will be through very shortly, and while I am very relieved to have survived the break-up, it took until now to accept that I am a single mother, totally new and scary territory! I don't think I am ready to go on dates at all until at least the summer, but I am doing alot of reflecting on what is important to me now in a potentially new partner, and obviously it is quite different to before, since I have a child. I look back at my relationship with my ex-husband and my previous partner, who I was about to get married to, and in many ways, they are very different.

However, I see certain traits that both of them had, namely, difficulties in relating to people and social situations and limited previous relationship experience, especially sexual experience. They were also not very motivated to move forward work-wise, accepting badly-paid jobs and being afraid to challenge bosses, be confident to move up the ladder, which is the opposite of how I am. I am only really seeing this pattern now, though they were polar opposites in many other ways- my ex-fiance treated me like a princess, while my ex-husband was emotionally abusive and completely neglectful, didn't contribute financially or otherwise to our marriage at all. 

My dilemma is: when I met them both, these things were not apparent at the start, and I really fell in love with them. I guess I ignored red flags that appeared early on, and so I am wondering now if I can trust myself in terms of meeting someone....I know I will have to take it slowly with anyone and the rules are totally different with my daughter being of primary importance in my life (she is 3). I guess what I am trying to ask myself is if I should just try to go for the complete opposite of what I think I might like, and really look for open communicators and people that are more outwards-looking, something my both exes were not, and be brutally honest with myself and ignore any spark I might have with someone as that might divert my attention from red flags. I am just afraid of falling for essentially the same type of person again without realising it.....sorry for the rant, real-life dating is a bit far off yet, but am trying to visualise what I want and to be as prepared as possible when I do dip my toe into the pool (as a nearly 40-year old single mother, ahh!)

Many thanks


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I have dated polar opposites of myself and women very similar to myself. In the end you have to have common ground and similar interests to make a really strong relationship. 

And date for a long time to weed out all the red flags. Hold strong to and don't compromise on those boundrys. Good luck


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## thread the needle (May 4, 2015)

Don't overthink it. 

Dating is for exploration of what you like and don't like. 

Go out and try to enjoy yourself. If you don't then drop that one and move on to the next. 

Even if you are getting excited about someone, don't ignore red flags. 

Beyond that approach, give the analysis a rest


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