# How often is sex just about you?



## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

I'm curious ladies - if your SO ever JUST focuses on you during sex? No expectations that you reciprocate in any way. Does that happen at all? If so, how often?


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

Not a woman, but chiming in because I do this all the time. Once I started doing this the sex got a whole lot better. Plus, my wife was chasing me for it, which she hadn't done in a long time.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

When he's into sex,he wants it to be all about me.My pleasure gets him off.Tough to get used to at first bc I love pleasing him without regard to my own pleasure.Now I just accept it as part of being his wife.Every now and then I will put the brakes on and make him relax so I can make it all about him.Sort of takes the fun out of it though bc I can tell he's just waiting for his chance to take over and wow me.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

How often do I try to make it about her, and how often I succeed are two different things  I do try, but the problem is, when she O's from oral or fingers, she practically demands I get inside her.

For us, this question is not a simple one. Going strictly by orgasm count, she out does me probably 4-1. Most of the time, the over all attention is focused on her. Even the times where the focus is on me, we usually end up both getting ours, but I will say that even then, the time she spends on me with the touches, kisses etc is no where near the time I spend on her. In the couple of years we have been together, I have had maybe a total of three unreciporicated bj's and hj's, though that is largely my fault, just as her not getting much unreciporicated attention is largely hers. We just enjoy being together.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Never here.

But I am curious to see the responses.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I just loved doing oral without it even being reciprocated! And more often than not, she was totally and hotly into it. And from just seeing and feeling the waves of pleasure that I saw her derive from it was my reward alone!*


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> When he's into sex,he wants it to be all about me.My pleasure gets him off.Tough to get used to at first bc I love pleasing him without regard to my own pleasure.Now I just accept it as part of being his wife.Every now and then I will put the brakes on and make him relax so I can make it all about him.Sort of takes the fun out of it though bc I can tell he's just waiting for his chance to take over and wow me.


This is a pretty apt description of my STBW and I as well.


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

Never, I don't enjoy taking and not giving. He would probably be up for it but it makes me uncomfortable.


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## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

ScarletBegonias said:


> When he's into sex,he wants it to be all about me.My pleasure gets him off.Tough to get used to at first bc I love pleasing him without regard to my own pleasure.Now I just accept it as part of being his wife.Every now and then I will put the brakes on and make him relax so I can make it all about him.Sort of takes the fun out of it though bc I can tell he's just waiting for his chance to take over and wow me.


This is basically my exact attitude.

When I started to really focus on her pleasure there was some selfishness involved in that I wanted to impress her, but then when I got good at it I realized she was really, really enjoying it. Then it really became about her.

There's nothing more beautiful than a woman really losing control. 

She feels guilty but I'm glad that I can give her something that makes her feel guilty.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

There is a little green monster inside of me.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

MSP said:


> Not a woman, but chiming in because I do this all the time. Once I started doing this the sex got a whole lot better. Plus, my wife was chasing me for it, which she hadn't done in a long time.


I kind of suspect this - that if more women got sex sometimes that was ALL about them, they would want to have sex more often in general. And by all about them I also mean no expectation that they worry about the guy's ego in any way; make him feel good about himself because he got you off so many times or anything. 

For you ladies that think it would make you uncomfortable - why would it make you uncomfortable?


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## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

firebelly1 said:


> make him feel good about himself because he got you off so many times or anything.


Welllllll.......a thank you would be appropriate I guess


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

firebelly1 said:


> I kind of suspect this - that if more women got sex sometimes that was ALL about them, they would want to have sex more often in general. And by all about them I also mean no expectation that they worry about the guy's ego in any way; make him feel good about himself because he got you off so many times or anything.
> 
> For you ladies that think it would make you uncomfortable - why would it make you uncomfortable?


This seems to be getting close to the line between loving partner, and human masturbation accessory...


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> This seems to be getting close to the line between loving partner, and human masturbation accessory...


*I've never really considered either cunnilingus or fellatio, or even partner-applied manual stimulation as being anywhere remotely close to being masterbatory!*


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

arbitrator said:


> *I've never really considered either cunnilingus or fellatio, or even partner-applied manual stimulation as being anywhere remotely close to being masterbatory!*


Wasn't talking about the acts them selves...more the underlying attitude suggested...

More women would like to have sex if it was all about them AND they didn't have to worry about their partners ego, aka feelings.

That sounds almost exactly like what a lot of women describe as the sexual behavior of men they sexually resent


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

They say we're not supposed to be "orgasm driven"... but come on... for us... WE BOTH want OURS !... and we BOTH get off on getting the other off....

I'll never forget the 1st time he didn't get his and said he could wait till tomorrow (I was pushing his limits)....this flush of sadness washed over me...I didn't like that [email protected]#$... I realized how much that meant to me suddenly... I had to get over this a bit ....cause my drive was sky high, so eventually I just thought to myself...."Hey ..he wants to be here, so I'll just get 2 for the price of 1"...that's a good deal!

When I 1st started giving him Bj's -he told me he felt *selfish*, I was like "WHAT !???"... I laughed at him....then told him I SELFISHLY want to give him one, so lay back buddy....what a funny conversation that was... I said "you don't want this???".. of course he did.... . he just always wants me to get mine... a "Your pleasure is MY pleasure" type man...

But why would I complain about this... if he wasn't like that, and left me high & dry, I'd want to beat him up... so it works well for us...

Another time I couldn't get mine..(slowing down a little ), I told him he could finish me sideways.. any way he wanted....and he just stopped...he seemed a little sad... it was a profound moment for me -as I was feeling .."Gawd, I bother him too much-he has to be sick of me".... but he let me know what a sad day that will be..when I no longer felt like that....so he waited till our next romp.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> Wasn't talking about the acts them selves...more the underlying attitude suggested...
> 
> More women would like to have sex if it was all about them AND they didn't have to worry about their partners ego, aka feelings.
> 
> That sounds almost exactly like what a lot of women describe as the sexual behavior of men they sexually resent


Yeah - I'm not one of the women who has been feeling resentful about that. But, at the same time, interesting that folks are reading that into what I'm saying. OF COURSE you would thank him. Of course you care that he is having a good time. Of course if he feels good about getting you off so many times, you are happy that he feels proud of that. 

The perspective I'm coming from is that my stbxh would actually pout if he couldn't get me off. It was a competition with himself to get better at this skill more than it was about his joy at seeing me pleased. And so I felt pressure to make it about his ego rather than just focusing on my own pleasure.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

firebelly1 said:


> I kind of suspect this - that if more women got sex sometimes that was ALL about them, they would want to have sex more often in general. And by all about them I also mean no expectation that they worry about the guy's ego in any way; make him feel good about himself because he got you off so many times or anything.


We were separated for about two years (with neither of us seeing anyone else) and when we came back together I was much more independent and I'd also grown a lot. I came to a realization that since I wanted to be the leader I should, you know, lead. So, I have the mindset that I am in charge, but for her pleasure, rather than to take from her. Of course, it's not like I'm bored while I do this.  She's opened up a great deal and there is so much more trust and excitement.

I'm not demanding. I don't lord over her. Neither do I fawn at her feet and make it all about her that way. I am just not needy at all. I am, first and foremost, in charge of myself. So I can forget about my needs and focus on her. And then my needs get met automatically. I gotta say, there's nothing hotter than sex with my wife now.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

firebelly1 said:


> Yeah - I'm not one of the women who has been feeling resentful about that. But, at the same time, interesting that folks are reading that into what I'm saying. OF COURSE you would thank him. Of course you care that he is having a good time. Of course if he feels good about getting you off so many times, you are happy that he feels proud of that.
> 
> The perspective I'm coming from is that my stbxh would actually pout if he couldn't get me off. It was a competition with himself to get better at this skill more than it was about his joy at seeing me pleased. And so I felt pressure to make it about his ego rather than just focusing on my own pleasure.


So you are talking about a hypothetical that is coming from a place of resentment towards your ex-husband.

Taking at face value your initial post, what I said about how things work with my STBW and I stands. Adding in your second scenario, I would not stand for that, and I am confident, neither would she. I suspect that is at least part of why he is your STBX.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

firebelly1 said:


> I'm curious ladies - if your SO ever JUST focuses on you during sex? No expectations that you reciprocate in any way. Does that happen at all? If so, how often?


Focus JUST on me? As opposed to what, the other person in the room? I don't get the question. What else would he be focused on?


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> So you are talking about a hypothetical that is coming from a place of resentment towards your ex-husband.
> 
> Taking at face value your initial post, what I said about how things work with my STBW and I stands. Adding in your second scenario, I would not stand for that, and I am confident, neither would she. I suspect that is at least part of why he is your STBX.


I think what you and your STBW have is awesome. Not knocking it. And my hypothetical isn't necessarily from a place of resentment. 

Frankly, I recently had a guy offer to be my oral sex slave - like literally, on-call, whenever I wanted it. I never have to reciprocate because that's his thing. And as I've been contemplating it, I've just been thinking about the fact that in my relationships with men, it has actually never occurred to me to ask for anything close to this - like, just occasionally honey, could you just give me a quickie where I don't also have to give you one back? 

I'm thinking about my own desire, my own willingness to ask for what I want and why I haven't. And one of the reasons I haven't is because I realize that it seems selfish not to reciprocate. Or, even if the guy is willing to not get back, I don't want it to turn into it still being about him and his ego. Make sense?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Who sex? What sex?

People are having sex?

I haven't had a steady sex partner in awhile but my ex used to live between my legs. Did not complain as I'm a downtown girl anyway. We never lacked in that department.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

NobodySpecial said:


> Focus JUST on me? As opposed to what, the other person in the room? I don't get the question. What else would he be focused on?


Just on me not on himself.


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## omgitselaine (Sep 5, 2013)

My husband has been the most unselfish lover I've had ( probably why I married him  ) but whenever we're intimate it's all about my orgasm first and foremost .............. then his  

I ......... of course am very grateful for this sooo I always make sure he's satisfied afterwards !!


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> Who sex? What sex?
> 
> People are having sex?
> 
> I haven't had a steady sex partner in awhile but my ex used to live between my legs. Did not complain as I'm a downtown girl anyway. We never lacked in that department.


Downtown is the best town.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

omgitselaine said:


> My husband has been the most unselfish lover I've had ( probably why I married him  ) but whenever we're intimate it's all about my orgasm first and foremost .............. then his
> 
> I ......... of course am very grateful for this sooo I always make sure he's satisfied afterwards !!


That is so awesome! 

My stbxh also made sure I had mine first but his attitude was more like he was getting it out of the way so he could get to the good part. It's all about attitude.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

firebelly1 said:


> Just on me not on himself.


I really don't think I understand. How would he focus on himself?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

With me, sex is always about you.


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## omgitselaine (Sep 5, 2013)

firebelly1 said:


> That is so awesome!
> 
> My stbxh also made sure I had mine first but his attitude was more like he was getting it out of the way so he could get to the good part. It's all about attitude.


Well ......... hubby has this huge thing for watching me as I have an orgasm !?!? Hmmmmmm I guess that's a good thing then huh  ?????


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

Your girl is lucky to have you Deejo.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

firebelly1 said:


> That is so awesome!
> 
> My stbxh also made sure I had mine first but his attitude was more like he was getting it out of the way so he could get to the good part. It's all about attitude.


Oh. Really? That's crappy. I can answer now. Sex is never JUST about me. But it is never JUST about him either. And it is rarely about just the O.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

firebelly1 said:


> Your girl is lucky to have you Deejo.


Yes they are ...


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

NobodySpecial said:


> Oh. Really? That's crappy. I can answer now. Sex is never JUST about me. But it is never JUST about him either. And it is rarely about just the O.


Sex is never JUST about her OR me. It's something we both share together. We are even pretty even split in who ends up going first, and it's rarely about the O for us either. We are able to make each other go pretty much at will, and so that is a forgone conclusion that neither of us has to worry about, so it enables us to enjoy the journey we take to get there.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

firebelly1 said:


> Downtown is the best town.


Is there any other town? I don't venture much out of the city.

Muahahahaha. :rofl: :smthumbup:


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

firebelly1 said:


> I kind of suspect this - that if more women got sex sometimes that was ALL about them, they would want to have sex more often in general. And by all about them I also mean no expectation that they worry about the guy's ego in any way; make him feel good about himself because he got you off so many times or anything.
> 
> For you ladies that think it would make you uncomfortable - why would it make you uncomfortable?


It made me uncomfortable at first bc I felt selfish just lying back and letting him please me. I had never been with anyone like that before.It caused arguments between us bc I couldn't get my mind around why he always wanted to focus on me.I thought it was bc I wasn't pleasing him the right way or he wasn't into what I was doing.It had me really questioning my sexual skills.
At some point I realized I was doing everything just great for him and it was simply his personality to give,give,give and get off on giving.I mean,I get off on giving too but he's on a whole different level lol 
He's ALL about the giving bc THAT'S what gets him off.By giving to me,he's giving to himself really.He can't get hard or cum until he has played with my body and gotten me to end at least once.We figured that out at the beginning bc I was doing the same actions that pleased other men I had been with which was racing through foreplay on to the main event.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> Sex is never JUST about her OR me. It's something we both share together. We are even pretty even split in who ends up going first, and it's rarely about the O for us either. We are able to make each other go pretty much at will, and so that is a forgone conclusion that neither of us has to worry about, so it enables us to enjoy the journey we take to get there.


Well, and please don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I ALWAYS want it to be about me or even a majority of the time. I like giving as well. I have an ego too. I am proud to know I made him pop.  I'm just saying SOMETIMES it would be nice to just lay back and receive and I haven't really done that within the context of a relationship so wondering how often it happens for others.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

The downside,if he's impatient when pleasing you, is it can put some pressure on the woman to orgasm every time.

There have been a few times where he is using his mouth and fingers on me for a while and I just have to say "baby it's not gonna happen tonight." He will come up,smile at me,cover me in kisses and say something like "stop worrying about taking too long.I love this.Don't make me stop."

lol he gives that little pep talk and I orgasm like two minutes later


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

ScarletBegonias said:


> The downside,if he's impatient when pleasing you, is it can put some pressure on the woman to orgasm every time.
> 
> There have been a few times where he is using his mouth and fingers on me for a while and I just have to say "baby it's not gonna happen tonight." He will come up,smile at me,cover me in kisses and say something like "stop worrying about taking too long.I love this.Don't make me stop."
> 
> lol he gives that little pep talk and I orgasm like two minutes later


Pep talks help.  Funny how feeling like you're taking too long can kill it.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> It made me uncomfortable at first bc I felt selfish just lying back and letting him please me. I had never been with anyone like that before.*It caused arguments between us bc I couldn't get my mind around why he always wanted to focus on me.I thought it was bc I wasn't pleasing him the right way or he wasn't into what I was doing.It had me really questioning my sexual skills.*
> At some point I realized I was doing everything just great for him and it was simply his personality to give,give,give and get off on giving.I mean,I get off on giving too but he's on a whole different level lol
> He's ALL about the giving bc THAT'S what gets him off.By giving to me,he's giving to himself really.He can't get hard or cum until he has played with my body and gotten me to end at least once.We figured that out at the beginning bc I was doing the same actions that pleased other men I had been with which was racing through foreplay on to the main event.


This might as well have come directly from my STBW's mouth, right down to her questioning her skills.

As far as me getting hard and finishing...I need a lot of mutual and interactive foreplay too. We have gotten to the point where my arousal and O are not dependent on hers, but that did take some work on her part to get me to feel like it was OK, and once we got there, things really took off for us.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

firebelly1 said:


> Pep talks help.  Funny how feeling like you're taking too long can kill it.


ugh I know right?! Lol As soon as I hit the 5-10 minute mark I start sweating it and getting discouraged.He can tell too...I start letting out the huge sighs of frustration.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> This might as well have come directly from my STBW's mouth, right down to her questioning her skills.
> 
> As far as me getting hard and finishing...I need a lot of mutual and interactive foreplay too. We have gotten to the point where my arousal and O are not dependent on hers, but that did take some work on her part to get me to feel like it was OK, and once we got there, things really took off for us.


He's an odd one.If we know we aren't having sex that day for whatever reason,I can give him a hj right before bed and he is totally into it,ends hard and loves it.If he knows I'm in the mood to get mine he cannot get his til he is satisfied that I got my fill.
So it's sort of dependent on my orgasm but sort of not...like I said,odd LOL


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> The downside,if he's impatient when pleasing you, is it can put some pressure on the woman to orgasm every time.
> 
> There have been a few times where he is using his mouth and fingers on me for a while and I just have to say "baby it's not gonna happen tonight." He will come up,smile at me,cover me in kisses and say something like "stop worrying about taking too long.I love this.Don't make me stop."
> 
> lol he gives that little pep talk and I orgasm like two minutes later


Ha! It took me a while to get her to the point where she could do what you just described...not pressure herself out of an O. That if it's not happening, not to try and force it, and I'll always reassure her with words and I kiss her lips, neck, breasts, belly, as I am playing with my fingers, and sure enough, boom, there she goes


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

Side note: I love all the communicating that's going on. Ya'll have figured each other out and I think have better sex lives cuz you're talking and accepting each other. I'm feeling very warm and optimistic about humanity right now.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I lived orgasmless for many years. The pendulum swings. Now I am a greedy greedy orgasm seeker and I have no qualms what so ever about my greed-which I think is the true measure of greed.

Having said that, sex is rarely just about me but it does happen occasionally. A time of two driving in the car and he reaches over and jells a few out of me. That's cool! A time of two making dinner, stirring the pot and he steps behind me and jells one out for me. Cool too! Here and there watching TV and I plop myself on his lap, grab his hand and instruct.

I don't feel the slightest bit of guilt for those times it hasn't been reciprocated because there were ooooooooodles of time when he got his without me getting anything at all.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> I lived orgasmless for many years. The pendulum swings. Now I am a greedy greedy orgasm seeker and I have no qualms what so ever about my greed-which I think is the true measure of greed.
> 
> Having said that, sex is rarely just about me but it does happen occasionally. A time of two driving in the car and he reaches over and jells a few out of me. That's cool! A time of two making dinner, stirring the pot and he steps behind me and jells one out for me. Cool too! Here and there watching TV and I plop myself on his lap, grab his hand and instruct.
> 
> I don't feel the slightest bit of guilt for those times it hasn't been reciprocated because there were ooooooooodles of time when he got his without me getting anything at all.


That gives me some ideas....


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

firebelly1 said:


> That gives me some ideas....


Excellent!

Seek and ye shall find.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Sometimes it's entirely about her, but even then she usually wants something additional, so I get some too. It's not often I can make it just about her. And she reciprocates at other times, so that's all about me. We really enjoy pleasing each other, so there's always a little selfishness involved!

Even routine sex is mostly focused on her, because her orgasm is fragile and requires that I do exactly what she needs precisely when she needs it, or it doesn't happen. It can take 10 minutes or 30 minutes, but it's always a fun journey.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

I usually give my STBW a full body massage every week or so, and that was another learning experience for both of us. Early on in our relationship I gave her one, and she started coming on to me really strongly, and I made the mistake of kindly rejecting her, telling her it was for her, and she made the mistake of asking me if I was sure I didn't want anything in return for what I had just done. That sparked a really good conversation, and the fact was, she had gotten so turned on from what I was doing, and how selfless I was in doing it, that she wanted laid right then, but tried to frame it as a quid pro quo, which is something I don't do. Long story short, I still give her hour long full body massages, and we go at it like rabbits afterwards.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> I lived orgasmless for many years. The pendulum swings. Now I am a greedy greedy orgasm seeker and I have no qualms what so ever about my greed-which I think is the true measure of greed.
> 
> Having said that, sex is rarely just about me but it does happen occasionally. A time of two* driving in the car and he reaches over and jells a few out of me*. That's cool! A time of two making dinner, stirring the pot and he steps behind me and jells one out for me. Cool too! Here and there watching TV and I plop myself on his lap, grab his hand and instruct.
> 
> I don't feel the slightest bit of guilt for those times it hasn't been reciprocated because there were ooooooooodles of time when he got his without me getting anything at all.


One of our favorite past times on long drives...we've got a two hour drive this Sunday, and I already told her to wear a skirt...


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

Said it before and I will say it again the more fun she has the more fun I have so it is always about her first and foremost anything else just wouldn't be gentlemanly like.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

love=pain said:


> Said it before and I will say it again the more fun she has the more fun I have so it is always about her first and foremost anything else just wouldn't be gentlemanly like.


Glad my STBW doesn't always want a gentlemen in bed


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> Glad my STBW doesn't always want a gentlemen in bed



Not sure you and I have the same definition of gentlemen, just because I believe in making sure my wife is pleased first and beyond her expectations doesn't mean I accomplish that with a feather and a tickle, well sometimes sure.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

love=pain said:


> Not sure you and I have the same definition of gentlemen, just because *I believe in making sure my wife is pleased first and beyond her expectations* doesn't mean I accomplish that with a feather and a tickle, well sometimes sure.


And that is one area my STBW and I struggled with for a while. Almost a power struggle of sorts until she was able to get me to understand that it was just as important to her to have her opportunity to shine as it was for me. Yes, for the most part, I take the lead, but she wants her chance to do the same for me that I do for her. The end result for us of taking the focus off of the other and placing on the entire experience together has really allowed our sex life to grow in excitement and intimacy.


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## CharlotteMcdougall (Mar 15, 2014)

My husband gets off when he hears me scream or makes me very wet. He also finds it very arousing to touch my body. We feed off of each other's responses. My husband gets me excited which makes him hard. Then when I have multiple orgasms and squeeze my hubby inside me, it makes him climax as well.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

CharlotteMcdougall said:


> My husband gets off when he hears me scream or makes me very wet. He also finds it very arousing to touch my body. We feed off of each other's responses. My husband gets me excited which makes him hard. Then when I have multiple orgasms and squeeze my hubby inside me, it makes him climax as well.


It is posts like this that I think really bring people back to TAM again and again. 

But...seriously...I totally get that. The other person being turned on turns you on.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Sex was great for years up until before we separated. Before we separated, I was having sex with him that I didn't particularly like. After we started seeing each other again, I became way more aggressive, demanding, greedy and I like our sex a lot more now. I have multiple O's usually three or four to his one now and it's a no-brainer as to why I prefer it that way lol.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Always worked it as a notion of being turn based. When it's her turn, ladies first, it's all about her. Sometimes she wants something specific.....like oral or sometimes she wants me to tie her up and dominate....whatever it is. After she is satisfied then she turns her attention to me and I get whatever I want. I admit my turn never ever lasts as long as hers


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## keeper63 (Mar 22, 2012)

I am very interested in understanding why some women are so uncomfortable with being the "center of attention" when their partner focuses on them without any expectation of reciprocation.

Generally speaking, our sex life is great.

My wife rarely will allow me to give her orgasms without her asking/begging me for PIV at some point. Perhaps 2 or maybe 3 times a year, she will let me do this without moving on to PIV, generally when she has had a few drinks.

She will only say that she is not comfortable being the focal point of our sexual activity, although she is very happy to give me a BJ or HJ without any expectation of her being any more involved than that. It is frustrating to me that she doesn't understand that I feel the same way she does when she pleasures me.

Is it a feeling of detachment to have your partner working on you "down there", is it self-consciousness, guilt, or something else?

I'm trying to understand these feelings, and am hoping the ladies can provide more insight.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

I do think some of it is social conditioning. Men are seen as takers and women as givers. We see this stereotype played out here regularly...women complaining about their men being selfish in bed...


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

At the moment, I'm pretty darn okay with it. But here are the reasons I have hesitated in the past:

- It's "selfish." 

- When it's just about me I can get more self-conscious about my body; my belly pooch; how I taste and smell. etc. and that can short-circuit my ability to be in the moment and just enjoy it. 

- I'm worried that my body won't respond in the "right" way or quick enough and I'll get the guy frustrated or feeling bad about himself or mad at me


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> I do think some of it is social conditioning. Men are seen as takers and women as givers. We see this stereotype played out here regularly...women complaining about their men being selfish in bed...


:iagree:

I've always felt uncomfortable just receiving, so I guess it's my own fault that the sex is very rarely ever just about me. There are many times where it is only about my husband, but not the other way around. The stereotypical "woman's job" is to be the caretaker/giver, so she does everything for her husband/family. We're brought up to do things for others, but not to always receive things graciously. I fall right into that category.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

I try to (couple of days ago in fact), but she seems uncomfortable with it and pretty much insists on the piv at some point.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

firebelly1 said:


> I'm curious ladies - if your SO ever JUST focuses on you during sex? No expectations that you reciprocate in any way. Does that happen at all? If so, how often?


tl;dr

Often enough. I would say he's much more generous, not that I don't offer, but he likes to be the giver. I always come first. If I have two orgasms to his one, he's thrilled. I think he'd probably want to do a victory lap.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

Coffee Amore said:


> tl;dr
> 
> Often enough. I would say he's much more generous, not that I don't offer, but he likes to be the giver. I always come first. If I have two orgasms to his one, he's thrilled. I think he'd probably want to do a victory lap.


A man's being able to satisfy his partner very often increases his
sense of maleness.

But this thread makes clear that it works for women too, who end up feeling more feminine (or whatever the right word would be).


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## keeper63 (Mar 22, 2012)

Firebelly1, what did you and/or your partner do to get you to the point where you were "pretty darn OK" with sex being just about you?

Very curious...


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I wouldn't find just being about me very fulfilling... To a certain extent my desire is responsive, and I don't think I'd get very turned on by a man who made it all about me.


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## greenfern (Oct 20, 2012)

firebelly1 said:


> I'm curious ladies - if your SO ever JUST focuses on you during sex? No expectations that you reciprocate in any way. Does that happen at all? If so, how often?


Never, No, & Never.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

Pretty often. And pretty often the other way too. And pretty often it's mutual. 

I'd say I out orgasm him by about 5 to 1. But it's not required.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

I'm good with it being all about me. It rarely happens, probably once a blue moon.

I will say that once I have had a smashing orgasm, I'm often up for another. And another. Sometimes that means PIV.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> When he's into sex,he wants it to be all about me.My pleasure gets him off.Tough to get used to at first bc I love pleasing him without regard to my own pleasure.Now I just accept it as part of being his wife.Every now and then I will put the brakes on and make him relax so I can make it all about him.Sort of takes the fun out of it though bc I can tell he's just waiting for his chance to take over and wow me.


Scarlet, this describes us pretty well! :iagree:


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Really stressful day yesterday, and I set the stage through out the day for just this type of thing...she loves my kiss massages, so we're in bed after she had a nice relaxing bath earlier, and yeah, we got interrupted a couple of times, but she's naked, I'm naked, tons of skin contact because she loves that, about half an hour in, she completely loses it and practically demands I pound her...what am I supposed to do? Say 'No baby, this is all about you?" when that pounding to her IS about her?

That is one of the things I enjoy so much about our sex life, and our overall sexual compatibility. That is always feels like it is all about the other person, all about us, and all about us together, all at the same time.

Oh, and she got her skirt picked out for the drive...going to be a nice day today, and it's the one she wore on our first date


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> I usually give my STBW a full body massage every week or so, and that was another learning experience for both of us. Early on in our relationship I gave her one, and she started coming on to me really strongly, and I made the mistake of kindly rejecting her, telling her it was for her, and she made the mistake of asking me if I was sure I didn't want anything in return for what I had just done. That sparked a really good conversation, and the fact was, she had gotten so turned on from what I was doing, and how selfless I was in doing it, that she wanted laid right then, but tried to frame it as a quid pro quo, which is something I don't do. Long story short, I still give her hour long full body massages, and we go at it like rabbits afterwards.




You sound very generous Samy. Hubs and I started doing the full body massage thing for me followed by a BJ for him during my "out of order" week. It works out really nice.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

over20 said:


> You sound very generous Samy. Hubs and I started doing the full body massage thing for me followed by a BJ for him during my "out of order" week. It works out really nice.


She's on the Depo shot, s only a bit of spotting every few months, so no real down time for her. The only thing off the table then is oral on her, everything else is go time.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

keeper63 said:


> Firebelly1, what did you and/or your partner do to get you to the point where you were "pretty darn OK" with sex being just about you?
> 
> Very curious...


Oh wow. As I was writing a response to this I had kind of an epiphany. My whole life in relationship I have thought that I needed to give first in order to be worthy of receiving. AND...it was kind of an entitlement. I gave so you are obligated to give to me. So...that has been my MO. If I was horny, I would try to turn on my partner and do something for him that I knew he liked so I could then feel entitled to ask for what I really wanted in the first place. 

But what I really learned from the end of my marriage is that you can work your ass off trying to make the other person happy and it can all be for naught. You can't make someone want to be married to you. And you working really hard at it doesn't obligate them to stay. So it's a false bargain. It's more authentic (and vulnerable) to come out and ask for what you want. 

I haven't ever just asked for it to be about me without me having to do anything back. I haven't had a chance with a new partner to try it out, but I'm thinking that I will want to have a partner who is willing to do that. I'm more okay with the idea now because I think I'm worthy of it. I worked hard as hard as I could at my marriage. I've been raising kids for 22 years. Time to finally do what I want to do and I deserve it because I worked so hard.

Having said all that really deep stuff, I have always liked receiving oral. My first sex partner liked to perform oral and was pretty good at it so, I guess I started out thinking that this was part of the routine.  

Then I read "She comes first" and the physiological reasons why women should be the ones receiving their orgasms first (basically, guys generally sleep and / or lose interest once they orgasm). I gave that book to my stbxh when we were dating. He read it and has followed it. I recommend it a lot. 

Not a simple answer. But, I'm a chick. What can I say?


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

I understand that a lot of men sleep or lose interest after they orgasm, and that a lot of men are simply lazy lovers.  I am none of those things which is why I really wouldn't want a lover that felt an entitlement to go first, andcertainly not every time. With my STBW, she enjoys digital anal play from time to time, and me going first is actually quite handy from a practical standpoint...plenty of lube...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> I understand that a lot of men sleep or lose interest after they orgasm, and that a lot of men are simply lazy lovers. I am none of those things which is why I really wouldn't want a lover that felt an entitlement to go first, andcertainly not every time. With my STBW, she enjoys digital anal play from time to time, and me going first is actually quite handy from a practical standpoint...plenty of lube...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Again, this website is awesome. And...makes a lot of people jealous. 

If the guy can O and still keep going, awesome. I don't have a problem with him going first. And...as you can say, it can be very practical.  And...if both partners know that he will fall asleep once he does...then her going first is practical.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

firebelly1 said:


> Again, this website is awesome. And...makes a lot of people jealous.
> 
> If the guy can O and still keep going, awesome. I don't have a problem with him going first. And...as you can say, it can be very practical.  *And...if both partners know that he will fall asleep once he does...then her going first is practical.*


Absolutely. The first several times we slept together, she was astonished that I didn't just roll over and go to sleep. I am also quite lucky in that I stay hard for several minutes after my O. That has helped translate into her being able to O through PIV which she had never done before.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

firebelly1 said:


> I'm curious ladies - if your SO ever JUST focuses on you during sex? No expectations that you reciprocate in any way. Does that happen at all? If so, how often?



My wifee isn't at that point yet, were she wants me to rock her hard, just like she does for me. She has told me, when she looses more weight, feels more comfortable and confident, then one day she will hit that turning point and I will go crazy on her. If I do that now, she still pushes me away but will go to town on me like crazy. I hope she gets to that point in her life soon, so I can rock her world harsh.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Sex here is never all about just one person. Well physically it does happen, a NSA BJ or visa versa. But while the physical might be all about the other the pay off is about both of us. We both thrive on making the other happy and get turned on by making the other the center of attention.

But nothing is unbalanced in our sex life, we are both equally happy and fulfilled. Both generous and passionate lovers. Both love to give and receive.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

CuddleBug said:


> My wifee isn't at that point yet, were she wants me to rock her hard, just like she does for me. She has told me, when she looses more weight, feels more comfortable and confident, then one day she will hit that turning point and I will go crazy on her. If I do that now, she still pushes me away but will go to town on me like crazy. I hope she gets to that point in her life soon, so I can rock her world harsh.


Yeah...I think this is another aspect of feeling like we deserve it. I think a lot of women don't think they deserve good sex until they have a better body. It's a waste.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

Holland said:


> Sex here is never all about just one person. Well physically it does happen, a NSA BJ or visa versa. But while the physical might be all about the other the pay off is about both of us. We both thrive on making the other happy and get turned on by making the other the center of attention.
> 
> But nothing is unbalanced in our sex life, we are both equally happy and fulfilled. Both generous and passionate lovers. Both love to give and receive.


This is a good distinction. I think when I was asking I was really just asking how often does the woman get the female equivalent of an NSA BJ. Maybe I should have been more specific.


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## keeper63 (Mar 22, 2012)

She enthusiastically gives me NSA orgasms all the time, but she will hardly ever let me give her an NSA orgasm as a standalone act. She is just not comfortable being the "center of the action" unless she has had a few drinks.

I wish I understood her lack of comfort when it comes to this. Perhaps it is her sense of detachment more than her discomfort with my NSA intentions.

Last night I gave her a full body massage, including the wand. She eventually let me use the wand on her cl!t, and when she was very clearly worked up and ready to O, she made me stop and give her PIV. 

Don't get me wrong, it was really nice, but I would have liked for her to orgasm from the vibe a few times before she either decided to go to PIV, or to let it end with her just O'ing from the vibe.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

keeper63 said:


> She enthusiastically gives me NSA orgasms all the time, but she will hardly ever let me give her an NSA orgasm as a standalone act. She is just not comfortable being the "center of the action" unless she has had a few drinks.
> 
> I wish I understood her lack of comfort when it comes to this. Perhaps it is her sense of detachment more than her discomfort with my NSA intentions.
> 
> ...


There have been a few folks here who have described the same thing and were able to resolve it by talking to their partners and having real understanding. I think that's the key.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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