# we're talking tonight...



## newto this (Jan 21, 2013)

My husband had an affair that ended 7 months ago. He is currently living in an apt and comes to visit our house every couple of days. He is sitting on the fence about what to do with our marriage. 
I can no longer stay in limbo. He says he loves me and I know he misses our children (ages 13 and 10). He says he wants to try but feels guilty and like a failure. He is in IC and we have been going to MC. I want to try to keep our family together, however, I will plan to call my attorney back tomorrow if he continues to stay on the fence..just to get things moving because we can no longer live like this....has anyone experienced this? Did you stay together? Does calling the attorney hinder progress? Any advice on what to say tonight?


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

If he is going to MC but is riding the fence I see a conflict. If he doesn't want to commit to R 100% I see no reason to go to MC. Has he expressed anything regarding why he is willing to go?


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## newto this (Jan 21, 2013)

he says he loves me and wants to reconcile. he is being treated for depression and feels like a failure. He has always been so responsible and this is really out of character for him. We have been married for 18 years and I jsut can't imagine a divorce


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## gfl (Aug 16, 2010)

Well iam in the exact same situation only I am like you’re husband and my and been together 27 years …I wish I could help you and I cant speak for him but for me iam just trying to decide if my feelings will come back for my wife …how long that takes IDK we have been going to counseling as well and my AF lasted 7 months…I don’t know why I cant let my wife go as well and just let her find someone that she deserves and its so not fair to you guys but for me I just want to be sure I don’t regret our decision to move on…also there was a lot of years of non-intamcay in my marriage that help lead to my downfall …I hope that helps and I think that a time limit should be established for a separation I was only gone for 9 days buty iam going to ask for more and I wouldn’t blame her if she kicked me out for good nor would I think you’re H should blame you …I wish you the best


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## newto this (Jan 21, 2013)

When you say you're trying to decide if you're feelings will come back - do you love her? or is it that you are trying to decide between your wife or someone else. I suspect that is why my husband may be on the fence and that I will end up calling the attorney back tomorrow. 

Also - when you say she deserves to have someone love her and treat her well - is that to make yourself feel better? I don't understand the point of saying that when you are breaking her heart.

Just trying to understand your point of view.


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## gfl (Aug 16, 2010)

I love her and I always will Ive been with her for 27 years I don’t dislike her I just honestly don’t think I want to spend the rest of my life with her because I want more…meaning I want to want to be with her and share life …ive lost that kind of love for her many years ago…and I let it happen …

she has a strong personality i.e. we used to fight because my son would sleep with us in the middle of the bed until he was 5 …and I would always lose the battles mostly …

iam not gonna lie and say I really fell for the OW …no doubt and I would really like a relationship with her but the odds of that working out are rare …

when I say she deserves someone …she really does deserve someone more compatible with her then me and obviously someone better…and I have been selfish again holding on to her because I don’t want a huge regret that I hope I wont have ,,,but its not fair to her and time limits should be set on separations and IDK how long your husbands been gone for but if my wife would of made it easy on me to leave I would have already been gone…she has not got a lawyer nor been threatening in any way and again not trying to tell you what to do but that would have made it so much easier on me to justify it…its just really really is a bad situation all the way around and I don’t now if there any definitive solutions…ask me anything you like no worries what so ever


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## newto this (Jan 21, 2013)

Thank you.

I guess you really don't know what you will do though when she does get the lawyer. It will happen eventually. Sometimes that is what is needed to wake people up...just like your affair did for her. 

My husband has been gone for one month. I will give him a chance to come home tonight and after that it is over. He was very upset because I took off my ring.


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## gfl (Aug 16, 2010)

I am hoping we would be able to settle the D amicably but I am really leaning towards a month separation as well then if it doesn’t work out where done…that’s if she will even go for it … I just don’t know if she will be onboard with that ….It sounds like you’re husband doesn’t want to hurt you either but you seem to be very capable to handle the situation …If he is still in contact with the OW and he gets an ultimatum it may be over for you guys IDK but I certainly understand you cant wait around for ever you have already had to deal with the affair and now waiting …yea I certainly understand your position,,,, let us know how it goes


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## newto this (Jan 21, 2013)

We talked and I told him that I was no longer willing to live this way. He would either have to commit or not. This is not how you treat someone that you love. 

He said there is no way he wants to lose me and that he really hasn't seen the affair partner. Not sure about that one. However, he is moving home on Friday and we are going to try. I told him to think and not to come back if it is only so I don't call the attorney. No point in doing that since I can call the attorney tomorrow or a month from tomorrow. Certainly don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. 

I think our situations have some similarities. Not all, but I think it is so terribly painful for your wife. PLEASE do not wait until she is so miserable that she files. That is not the way to treat the woman who has been with you for 27 years. If you are afraid you might regret losing her then DON'T LOSE HER! I think you are stuck on this younger woman and until you see her for the reality of the situation - a cheater and someone who would probably dump you for someone her own age eventually anyway- you will not he able to "have those feelings" for your wife. You're afraid of making a decision you'll regret? Leave your wife of 27 years who you say is beautiful to be with someone who will cheat with you. That is guaranteed to be a decision you regret. 

You need to get off the fence. Your wife deserves better treatment from you. If you can't decide then be the grown man you are then leave. My guess is that you won't want to and if that is the case. Get off that fence and realize what you have before it's too late. 

Sorry to be blunt but you're not being smart right now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gfl (Aug 16, 2010)

Hows it going with you guys?


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