# What's wrong with me??



## fledermause (Dec 29, 2010)

My husband won't do hand jobs or give me oral period. I'm a slender, athletic woman who shaves her nether regions and is very clean. I give him a bj daily, watch porn with him, and engage in other various sexual acts that he prefers yet he won't reciprocate on oral sex. I've asked him several times why to which he said it had nothing to do with the way I look or smell. That was about all the information I could get out of him. He did admit that he went down twice on his ex-wife which really made me angry. I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong or if there is something wrong with me. Help!!


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## Mrs.LonelyGal (Nov 8, 2010)

was he abused as a child?


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## fledermause (Dec 29, 2010)

He's never mentioned it before. He came from a good family so not sure what the deal is.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

No oral for you = no oral for him... See how that goes over.

Other than that, tell him that you promise not be be upset for any reason he gives for not giving oral, but you'd really like to know why.

C


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## Just1Man (Dec 9, 2010)

fledermause said:


> I'm a slender, athletic woman who shaves her nether regions and is very clean.


With that description, I can't believe he can keep his mouth off of you !!!


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## Wild1 (Dec 29, 2010)

PBear said:


> No oral for you = no oral for him... See how that goes over.
> 
> Other than that, tell him that you promise not be be upset for any reason he gives for not giving oral, but you'd really like to know why.
> 
> C




Hello. First post. Normally just read, but this one I had to post on.

*I could not DISAGREE more with this quote above. *Sorry PBear, nothing personal, but this type of Judgment will not only cause even more issues, but will not get anything resolved. Try it if you like though and let us know how it turns out. I’ll bet I can guess the outcome though.

Unfortunately, both (yes, BOTH) of you are judging what is going on from your own perspectives, so there is no way to understand what they real issues are for the other person. And since I am going to assuming neither of you are psychic, the truth will be hard to get being this blunt, in this way. The best your going to get is what you want to hear just to get you to stop this line of questioning. I hope this is not too harsh (if it is I apologize) but too many good relationships go south for just this type of actions.



p.s. anytime the word “wrong” is used -- this is a judgment. In one form or another, it is. We have been taught from an early age that if I am right and you are doing something different I do not agree with, then you are wrong. Also we learn, if someone else is doing what we perceive to be right, we must be doing something wrong if the final outcomes are not to our liking. This type of thinking has to stop.

This is also true for “He/she should have…”, “I don’t understand why he/she…”, “He/she refuses to…”, “He/she doesn’t… for me”, and many other statements that relate like this. Did you know that judgments and even worse, judgment decisions are 90-95% of the reason couples fight and usually end up unhappy, separated, or worse?

Let us know what happens, then we can discuss what to move on to next.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

If you were not shaved I'd say that's the problem but since you are it is obviously not that.

My guess is that he never liked doing it with anyone but did it anyway when relationships were new because his sexual desire was high. Now that he is married his desire has naturally gone down as it does with most people in long term relationships. So now he doesn't feel the need to do it and since he doesn't like it much anyway (for whatever reason) he doesn't do it.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

It could even be that going down on a woman reminds me of his ex-wife or somefin? *shrug*


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Wild1 said:


> Hello. First post. Normally just read, but this one I had to post on.
> 
> *I could not DISAGREE more with this quote above. *Sorry PBear, nothing personal, but this type of Judgment will not only cause even more issues, but will not get anything resolved. Try it if you like though and let us know how it turns out. I’ll bet I can guess the outcome though.
> 
> ...


Wild1, not offense taken (or intended now), but what are you suggesting to happen then? And what part did you disagree with? Asking him directly "Why won't you go down on me?", and trying to get an honest response other than "It's not xxx or yyy"?

I guess in my experience (an experiment of 1, to be fair), most of the mis-understandings and resentments come from assumptions made on the other person's thoughts and feelings. I think I KNOW what my wife is unhappy with, so I don't bother asking her and try to change my behaviour based on that. When that doesn't work, I get resentful that she doesn't appreciate the changes I've done. And then she gets puzzled as heck about why I'm all grumpy suddenly. When, if I just opened up and asked her, a lot of issues could be dealt with more effectively.

Anyway, you're entitled to your opinion, just like I am on mine. I'm just curious about where you're coming from that you chose my post as your first one, and you had to disagree strongly. 

Oh, and I'd say the best response you're going to get if you push for an answer is an accurate response that lets you deal with the issue. For example, she finds out that he doesn't like clean shaven, and would rather go for a romp through the underbrush... 

C


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## chefmaster (Oct 30, 2010)

I'm just gonna toss this out there and say the once or twice he did this with his gf it didn't go over well and he is worried it just won't help you achieve pleasure or an orgasm.

My suggestion would be the next time you go to give him a bj tell him instead you want to try mutual masturbation and when you have driven yourself crazy enough watching each other(and after he has reached orgasm), plead with him to come finish you off with his hand so you can lay back and relax.

If he absolutely won't try mutual masturbation, then there are likely other issues as well.


Tip: When he does eventually attempt it, try to use clear terms when directing him to your pleasure spot(s). Example: when he's working on the clitoris, instead of using ambiguous terms like "deeper" use the phrase "push straight down".
If he is indeed nervous about it he will also be moving around a lot even if you are insinuating you are enjoying what he is currently doing by moaning, so he will need to hear things like "stay right there" or "don't move" or "just keep doing that".


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

like there are some women who wont under any circumstances for what ever reason wont give blow jobs, there are some men who just find going down on a woman distasteful for what ever reason. I almost never hear the men in my circle asking themselves whats wrong with them. It probably has nothing to do with you. This is why premarital sex is so important. Ofcourse if he fooled u (like some women do) by going down on u before u said I do, then there should be some understandable upset. Thats...like....total fraud!

Not giving u the courtesy of a reach around sounds plain selfish.


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## Chelhxi (Oct 30, 2008)

It's not just the oral, she said he won't use his hand either. Not getting either is pretty bad.

My husband won't do oral either, but he's fine with his hand or a toy on me.
I see nothing wrong with stopping going down on him. I would never give a BJ daily, if nothing is ever reciprocated. But now she's set up that expectation that she'll do whatever he wants, but she doesn't matter at all. I've only given my H 3 BJs and two were before I knew he would never reciprocate.


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## JrsMrs (Dec 27, 2010)

I wonder if he's nervous that his skills aren't up to snuff? Maybe he had a bad experience with his ex criticizing him or not being able to please her.
This is all nothing but speculation unfortunately. I think you need to sit down and have a sincere talk with him about it, and ask him to just be honest with you about the reason why he doesn't want to. Assure him no matter what the reason, you are prepared to hear it, and would rather know now and hopefully be able to work on it, rather than living with an unsatisfying sex life.
But just refusing to do it, and refusing to give a reason why is really unfair to you.


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## WadeWilson (Jul 4, 2010)

It's either the ex issue or he's just being plain selfish... To me oral is a trade off, if you want someone to visit your downtown... You must be willing to travel to thiers... And if he don't I suggest telling him next time, you want a bj... You gotta get me in the mood and you know what I like... And also by all means don't be afraid to keep bringing the subject to the table in conversation... It took me years to find my wifes hangups with oral... Sometimes you gotta wait til the trust is there....


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

It's got to be his ex IMO

OP - you should ask him - it seems he's very dismissive about talking about it.


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## fledermause (Dec 29, 2010)

It's definitely an uncomfortable subject for him to talk about. I addressed the topic last night and insinuated that perhaps he had a terrible experience with his ex and just didn't have the appetite for pie. He did tell me the experience was atrocious and the smell short of a Bismarck sandwich. So, I think that smell is the real issue here. He's having flashbacks. LOL! Perhaps a bit of domination might to the trick.


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## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

fledermause said:


> My husband won't do hand jobs or give me oral period. I'm a slender, athletic woman who shaves her nether regions and is very clean. I give him a bj daily, watch porn with him, and engage in other various sexual acts that he prefers yet he won't reciprocate on oral sex. I've asked him several times why to which he said it had nothing to do with the way I look or smell. That was about all the information I could get out of him. He did admit that he went down twice on his ex-wife which really made me angry. I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong or if there is something wrong with me. Help!!


Just tell him how you feel....if I read you well, I think you should tell him that the problem with him not giving you oral sex is that you just can't feel loved when the person who is supposed to love you more than anyone in the world has issues with tasting you....and you are right in feeling frustrated and angry....when loved is truly between two people, giving yourself completely and without restrictions should be the outcome of your physical intimacy....Also, communication and being loving towards each other should be a daily part of your emotional intimacy....marriage/relationships required daily work...if you are not willing to invest in a relationship and force yourself into thinking how and what can you do to put a smile in your partners face, then you have no right in being a relationship.....good luck!


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## Wild1 (Dec 29, 2010)

fledermause said:


> I addressed the topic last night and insinuated that* perhaps he had a terrible experience with his ex* and just didn't have the appetite for pie. _He did tell me the experience was atrocious and the smell short of a Bismarck sandwich. _So, I think that smell is the real issue here.





So far, going as expected. 

If I may take a guess at the next phase --- you will try your best to make him feel comfortable and be extra clean "down there". Maybe even scrub hard enough to darken your skin a bit.

IF that's the plan, be cautious about one thing - what I call "the face". Most likely you will want him to "get oralling" first. And, at some point, he may make "that ewww look" once your "juices" get flowing down there. And here is the nickels worth of free advice. DO NOT get offended at whatever happens or whatever he does. If he pulls away, DO NOT get up (assuming you are laying down) and like hug him or something, or get mad at him or scream or anything. This will just train him to pull away for a stop (and probably a complete stop). 

You want the best chance to get him back "there"? Easy - just lay there for a few seconds - take your hand and start "playing" on yourself VERY SLOWLY (if you have a toy neaby, get that AFTER wiorking yourself for a few minutes). And make sure he looks. 

It would not be stretch for any guy to understand what you are doing and why without them (even if it is on a subconcious level). At some point when his eyes meet yours, THEN smile and say in the sexiest voice you can muster... "mmmm, HI!". If he still doesn't jump in, you may have to maybe try flipping around and trying a different position. To many men, position counts.

If this does not work - then the next step is to just stop, get dressed (BUT DO NOT GET MAD - try to kinda smile if possible) and just stop. I know it will kill you, but do not continue and do not touch him either. Then you will need to move into the next phase - which includes 3 things - verifying his fidelity (even if you could not imagine it), verify he does not have a medical condition of some type & counseling.

Good luck - keep us updated.


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## fledermause (Dec 29, 2010)

Eff, I approached him again today and asked him why he doesn't do oral sex to which he replied, "It's something I've never done" and then in the same sentence exclaims he's only done it a couple of times. I'm thinking to myself, "please insult my intelligence a bit more thankyou!" Then he exclaims he needs to think about it and doesn't know. Who says stuff like this? I must an L tattooed to my forehead. Huge red effin flag in my opinion. I've played with myself in front of him with toys and he acts like it doesn't phase him a bit. Is he gay?


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## Wild1 (Dec 29, 2010)

fledermause said:


> Eff, I approached him again today and asked him why he doesn't do oral sex to which he replied, "It's something I've never done" and then in the same sentence exclaims he's only done it a couple of times. I'm thinking to myself, "please insult my intelligence a bit more thankyou!" Then he exclaims he needs to think about it and doesn't know. Who says stuff like this? I must an L tattooed to my forehead. Huge red effin flag in my opinion. I've played with myself in front of him with toys and he acts like it doesn't phase him a bit. Is he gay?



See, that was my point in past 2 posts. Right now he is stuck in (at best) giving you answers you want to hear (like the comment before about "something I've not really done before) or just saying anything to get you off his back.

If he is gay, that will come up in time (it's possible, but IF I was guessing, it would be more likely he is either really scared in some way from something that happened in his past that he is not fully disclosing to you or he is getting more than you on the side, shall we say).

Right now, it is important to understand that the type of pressure you are putting on him is going to make him regress even more than he already has. And he will use it as an excuse too. This is all too common. It could also be as simple as he is scared if he does it wrong you will leave him or something.

Consider seeing a therapist with him and have a talk - you need to get him to talk to someone (with or without you) other than just you, cause he is already at the level of telling you what you want to hear or blowing you off. If you know any of his close friends or relatives, maybe ask them in confidence as well (not about the sex, but about his past). I fear you do not have all the information yet for a good conclusion... and probably not all the info on what happened with him and his ex either.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Not here to start a fight, but why is it when a woman refuses to go down on a guy, she's seen as standing up for herself, and everyone tells the guy not to force her to do something she doesn't want to do. But when a guy won't go down, he's just a selfish, insensitive jerk with "past issues"?


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## Izabella (Dec 22, 2010)

F-102 said:


> Not here to start a fight, but why is it when a woman refuses to go down on a guy, she's seen as standing up for herself, and everyone tells the guy not to force her to do something she doesn't want to do. But when a guy won't go down, he's just a selfish, insensitive jerk with "past issues"?


what i would like to know is what is his deal with not using his fingers?
i can see why a man would not go down on a woman,but to not use his fingers either,there is something wrong here.how is she getting any sexual pleasure or even having an orgasm.


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## Just1Man (Dec 9, 2010)

fledermause said:


> I've played with myself in front of him with toys and he acts like it doesn't phase him a bit. Is he gay?


Uhhhh... Yes... I'm afraid he is... :scratchhead:


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

F-102:

Because a woman's body - that's an object of art.

A man's body - it's just utilitarian. . .kind of like a Jeep.


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## gregj123 (Dec 29, 2010)

WT hell I love to give oral!


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Yes Scanner, you're right! Remember the Seinfeld episode when he and his girl picture each other naked? He sees the equivalent of Venus de Millo, she sees an ape!

But, i wanna know too: why won't he use fingers? Sounds like he is just straight missionary, and he won't try anythimg else.


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## Mrs.hopefull (Jan 7, 2011)

humm well my husband wont do oral on me either, but its because of bad experiences with his ex. he told me that his ex was on some sort of birthcontrol that made her smell like fish and ever since that hes been un able to do that sorta thing. maybe he just really dosnt like it. dosnt sound like hes really even done it that much in the first place. i know its hard to go without. but pushing men to do something they dont want to do sexullay, results in them feeling pressured to the point where they would rather have no sex at all. or maybe just a thought, he might be one of those guys that are more about them selfs than there partners, hope some of this might help, good luck


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Okay, time again for my "beer/vagina lecture" on going down on women.

Print this out for your husband:

It's an "aquired" taste. . .when I first drank beer, I thought to myself, "Man. . .how do men drink this stuff?" But it was my senior year at a graduation party and so I swallowed the golden beverage and pretended not to gag and look cool in front of my friends.

So. . .to really look cool, I said, "Yeah, I like this Piels. Let me have another one." So I drank another one again and gagged as I tried to force it down at 17 y.o. 

Mind you, all I had up to that point was Wine Cooler. LOL - yeah, wine coolers. . .that's a chick drink (lol - actually now, I do like wine - I must be getting old).

And then tehre was another party. Did it again. Less gagging.

Then I went to college. I drank Piels, Busch, Milwalkee's Best. . .I actually bought some Moosehead. 

I really started to like the stuff.

Now, I love beer. I mean, I really love it! A nice frosty cold beer after mowing the lawn in a chilled mug is almost as good as your wife with some wine in her and 14 days after her last period.

It's the same thing with my first experience on a woman - yes, I did "gag" - but I have to say, I grew to like that in about 3 times. It took me much longer (months) to appreciate beer over p***y. P**sy - about 2-3x and I was hooked.

Anyway, it's time for your husband to man up and drink some beer with his buddies. It's a rite of passage he should have went through when he was younger.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

fledermause said:


> He did tell me the experience was atrocious and the smell short of a Bismarck sandwich.


The "smell" issue might not be one of hygiene. If he understands the source of his ex's smell, he might be less inclined to worrry about it if you don't have the same problem. Google 

bacterial vaginosis.

Good luck.


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