# Please help. I desperately need some advice



## phantomwriter22 (Feb 4, 2018)

Edit: I know this is a long post. If you don't want to read everything, which I understand, please skip to the bottom. However, reading the whole thing will give you a lot more context in which to answer my questions with. Thanks for any advice you have :smile2:

In order to help, I think there are a few things you need to know about myself and my husband. I'm 25, he's 26, and to be honest, we jumped into marriage feet first when neither of us was completely ready. We've been married for just over four years now, and almost every year we've hit a really rough patch, or a breaking point, as in this year's case. And there are several things that contribute to it, but mostly it's our differences when it comes to religion. 
Over the years before I met my husband, and during our marriage, I've participated and learned about many different religions after a certain event that caused me to leave the Christian faith. My husband is a very devout Christian and I'm not. I'm actually an apprentice green witch which means I deal with protection spells, healing spells, and blessings. If you like, you can think of me as a herbalist, a naturopath, or even an apothecary with a certain area of expertise.
Our first breaking point was two summers ago. I'd just lost my job and we were searching for a feasibly payable health insurance plan for me, as adding me to his work plan would have cost us about $600 a month, which is really steep for our area. I'd been doing some research on health shares and I was getting frustrated because almost every single one I came across required a faith-based pledge of some sort. I didn't (and don't) feel like health insurance is important enough to lie about my faith and lack thereof.
When I made this clear to my husband, he got really mad. When he gets mad, he gets quiet and sulky and won't talk to me for days on end until he's processed whatever the problem was. So I slept out on the couch that night and he wakes me up around 2 AM. He says, "I'm sorry, but I was raised a particular way. I'm a good Christian man and I was raised to marry a good Christian woman. I love you, but you being a non-believer puts what I want to happen when we go to Heaven in jeopardy. We need to figure out what we're going to, but until you change your faith and believe in God, I can't be married to you." So I'm out on the couch, devastated because my husband has decided his faith is worth more than our marriage, and that everything I've done and changed for him was worth nothing in his eyes. He comes back out about half an hour later, thrilled because he found a Bible verse that simply said he could continue to be married to me because the spouses of believers (non-believers or not) would go to heaven too.
So I'm sure you can imagine my frustration when over the next two years, every time we have an extremely serious discussion where we're both 100% completely honest with each other, he brings up that while he loves me very much, the only reason he's still married to me is because of a Bible verse. And that I should be grateful for that verse, because if it wasn't for that he wouldn't be nearly as accepting of me as a person and that he would have put my 'disobedient' & 'pervert' streaks to bed a long time ago. By the way, I'm bi (which he knew before we got married) and I write fantasy romance novels for fun in my spare time.
We hit another breaking point on Saturday. On Thursday he told me he was ok with me choosing to follow the path of a green witch. Friday, he doesn't say anything about the subject, so I figure we're good and he understands that I've chosen to follow this path because it brings peace to my heart and my mind. Saturday morning, I'm getting ready to go into town to pick up some DayQuil for him because he hasn't been feeling good and I'm tired of him coughing/sneezing all over our apartment. He's watching as I'm getting dressed and he says, "I can deal with the fact that you aren't Christian, but the only alternate type of spirituality I'll allow you to study is Native American spiritualism." 
At this point, I'm pissed and I'm not willing to give an inch. So I told him, "Choosing my faith and/or religion is MY choice and I'm not to put up with you trying to control that part of my life. I'm happy to come to compromises on almost anything else, but not this." I finished getting dressed and went into town. I'm on my way home and I receive the following text: I am texting you because I don't think I can make it through a phone call. Me and Tux (our dog) are leaving for a bit, while you gather your thoughts and decide what's really important. You know where I stand and you choose to directly oppose my faith. I love you so much, and I want this all to work out so we can be a family just like we promised years ago. But if you want to pursue this witch thing and it's more important than our family, this is where our happy family ends. We will be home on Monday, and try again. I love you and hope we can someday pretend that this never happened, but I can't live a life where my wife stands away from me.
When I get home, he's still there and he's crying. Our dog is upset and I don't have the patience to deal with either of them, I was far too pissed off.
He asks me, "Why would you do this to me? Are you putting me through this to punish me?"
And I replied while being a sarcastic ass, "I'm sorry. I didn't realize that becoming someone with a very deep connection to the earth and to the people around me was such an affront to your religion and your relationship with God. Two years ago, you almost divorced me because I didn't have a relationship with God and since then, you've come a long way to accepting that. God stopped talking to me the day I needed him most, and I haven't heard his voice since."
"Well, maybe he wanted you to learn to be a stronger person."
"Yea, cause that makes a whole lot of sense. God wanted me to learn to be a stronger person on the day I got raped. I didn't hear his voice when I woke up that morning and I knew something was going to go wrong. So as far as I'm concerned, God told me I wasn't good enough to be one of his children anymore. So I'm not. So if me learning something that will help me bring healing not only to myself but to others is a problem for you, you're welcome to walk out that door and I'll start packing my things."
And he did. He took the dog and the things he was going to need for the weekend and started to drive off. The car he was taking had a completely flat tire, bunching up around the rim. He took it as a sign that maybe he shouldn't give up on us so easily. I took it as a tire that was flat after I told him it was really low three days ago.

*TL;DR:* I'm not sure where I stand with us continuing to be a couple. I made sure he knew I wasn't going to put up with him being controlling. He's been super touchy/feely to try to make up for Saturday but I told him I don't know where I stand anymore or what I want from our relationship. At this particular moment, I feel like it'll only be a matter of time before he starts on me again, but I'm not anywhere near a financial position where I could leave. So my question is: would you stay if you were in my position? Would you wait for the other shoe to drop or would you try to work everything out?


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

I'm a little unclear if you were a Christian when you married him. If so, how serious were you? For instance were you going to church with him?


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## phantomwriter22 (Feb 4, 2018)

Hello @Rhubarb. At the time, I was still trying to find my way back to God. The day I got raped and every day after, instead of God filling me with his spirit, all I could feel was a cold brick wall. I knew there must have been a reason it happened, but I didn't ask for an explanation, it didn't matter. I eventually forgave the man who raped me, and even then I didn't feel his spirit beside me anymore. We didn't go to church regularly because the only church he's willing to go to is 50 or so miles away from us and that's the church he grew up in. We have a local church about two blocks away with a pastor I got along with very well and was trying to encourage my husband to join me at that church. I got tired of making up excuses as to why my husband never joined me and the pastor started victim-shaming me, saying it was my fault I got raped. And after that, it didn't matter how many pastors or other believers I talked to, there was no way to repair my relationship with God. I stopped believing just before we got into our first argument about my beliefs.


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

I'm not a religious guy, so to me all the spiritual stuff is somewhat meaningless. However it sounds like you were a Christian when he married you. You were in fact going to church on occasion even though he wasn't going with you. It sounds like he had the expectation that you would in fact continue to be a Christian. That being said I don't think anyone should be forced to follow a certain religion if their views change.

I would lay it out for him. Tell him you are going to follow your religion and he can either accept that fully, or you are going to go your separate ways. If he's worried about no-divorce clauses in the Bible, you can give him an out by agreeing with him you will have an affair  and that will satisfy the letter of the law (depending on exactly how he interprets it). Yeah I know it sounds crazy (it is crazy), but to me the whole set of divorces clauses in the bible is crazy.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

You need to look after yourself here and don’t expect an imaginary being to do it for you. You need to be strong and don’t let your husband,your pastor or anyone else force you into being someone who you 
aren’t. 
You need to look inside yourself to understand why you need people in your life that try to manipulate you after gaining your trust. Believe me nobody is going to make you happy except yourself


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## phantomwriter22 (Feb 4, 2018)

@Rhubarb That does sound crazy, but it might actually work. I'm going to take some more time to think things over, but I think our marriage has been over for a while and neither of us wanted to admit it.
@Andy1001 I'm starting to realize that I don't. I'm sick and tired of the *****-footing, the lying, and hiding everything to make people happy. For once, I'm going to start doing things because I want to.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

...

Only a cult would want to be involved in trying to victim shame you.

Well, anyway, I think you need to break away from that cult.

Pentecost?


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

Please make something clear:
Did you leave the Christian faith before you married your husband, and was he aware of that?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I will just type what I think and you can ignore it or not:

1) you need to get a job. Plain and simple.

2) If you were raped, you probably need some therapy. That's a horrible thing. You likely haven't really gotten over it.

3) The green witch stuff sounds totally crazy. I can't help it. It does. God doesn't speak to us like some of the televangelists say. Not to me, anyway. HE's GOD. If he did speak to us, it would likely destroy us. I don't want him to speak to me......
You may never believe in God again. I don't think that's ok, but lots of people don't and they seem to have ok lives. You can, too.

4) Your husband searches constantly for reasons to stay married to you. He sounds really codependent. Because If my wife decided to not work and get into the "Green Witch" program---- I would probably want a divorce. Sadly, at one point in my life, I'd have wanted to hold on because I "loved her", when it was really because I was overly codependent. 

5) I really think you have lots and lots of problems and so does your husband. It may be best for you two to consider divorcing and maybe working on yourselves. For you to say "I'm unable to separate because of financial stuff" is bogus. You won't leave because you don't want to get a job and make it on your own. GET A JOB. Things might improve drastically if you got your mental state better. Working and getting exercise helps.

Just some suggestions. Ignore what isn't helpful.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Its very hard for a committed Christian being married to someone who isn't. Especially if what their spouse believes and practises is so opposite to their own faith. Thats why God does warn us not to marry someone who doesn't share our faith and I dont think you were on the same page even then. 
To be honest if you want to carry on doing what you do, it may be best if the marriage ended, because if you had children it would be far worse and they would end up totally confused by your very conflicting and opposing beliefs. 

I am sorry that being raped caused you to turn away from God because He cares a lot about you. I know a lady who has been raped 3 times, once as a child, and she is very passionate about her Christian faith. Don't let one pastor put you off, most are not like that. 

I hope that you turn back to God, He wants to help you.

I agree with evinrude,you need to get work so that you can have an income if the marriage ends.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

re the divorce issue, God does say that if an unbeliever wants to leave the marriage then the spose left isn't bound to them anymore so he is free to move on if you left.
1 Corinthians 7 v 5. 
if the husband or wife who isn't a believer insists on leaving, let them go. In such cases the Christian husband or wife is no longer bound to the other, for God has called you to live in peace.


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