# Is there something wrong with me or is it him?



## SouthernLady77 (Jul 5, 2014)

Hi I am new to this forum. I joined because there is an issue that has been bugging me and I need advice. I am 36 yrs old, I have 2 children, both are disabled and I work part time outside of the home then come home and cook, clean, take care of the kids etc. My husband doesn't work, brings in no income, and helps with the kids part of the time, as far as watching them so that I can run errands or go to the store. He is really not involved in any of their medical or school things and rarely will give me a break by taking the kids to the park alone (I always have to go along too because he says he can't handle them both). As you can imagine, I am exhausted most of the time. My husband worked when I met him, he was fit and trim, and helped me a lot with the kids when they were babies. The last few years he has become lazy and non-sympathetic to what I deal with. All he seems to care about now is sex. He is constantly mentioning to me how he is not happy that we don't have sex anymore, he says thing insinuating that if I want to stay together that I need to cater to his "needs". Honestly, I am no longer attracted to him, somewhat do to his personal appearance and lack of hygiene, some due to his laziness and the resentment I feel and some due to the fact that sex is all he ever thinks, talks or cares about! Everything is sexual to him, every day he makes sexual remarks. I can hardly have a conversation with him that is not sexual in some way. Example, last night I asked if he wanted whipped cream on his pie after dinner and he said "I's like to lick whipped cream off your pie." If I am washing dishes he walks up behind me and fondles my cheat. He grabs my butt when I walk past, if I bend over to pick something up he says things like "ohhh look at that ass, I'd like to sink my teeth into that ass". He even makes remarks like that about women on TV or in the store. He said that our daughters teacher has some nice boobs and I was like omg shes pregnant! 
Last night we were sitting on the couch and I was clearly not in a good mood and he asked what was wrong and I told him that my neck and shoulders hurt. He asked if there was anything that he could do and I said that he could rub my shoulders and instead he grinned real big and said I could rub something else, then he stuck his hand between my legs and started rubbing the crotch of my pants and making gross little sexual comments about it. I just rolled my eyes and waited till he was done then got up and walked away. I have learned not to say anything or ask that he not do that or tell him that I don't like it because then he just gets mad at me and says that there is something wrong with me and that I need to see a therapist to get over my hatred of sex. Its not that I hate it, it just that it gets annoying because its all he ever talks about. He doesn't understand why I am upset and thinks that I should just lay down, spread my legs and let him do his thing when ever he wants. It doesn't matter if I am tired or trying to clean, or cooking or what. If he is in the mood I should drop what I am doing, bend over and grab my ankles and sometimes I feel like that's what I have to do just so he can get it out of his system and I get on with my day. Is there something wrong with? Is his behavior normal in a marriage? Can I change how I feel so that I can be more accommodating and not start fights or would I be better off alone?


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Both. He is attracted to you. You want nothing to do with him sexually cause you lost interest, him not being a provider might have a lot to do with it.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

You are starving him sexually...remember you are *his wife *and if you don't do it he is stuck and frustrated and NOT HIMSELF. You are his only "outlet" not porn not blow up dolls...YOU

You married knowing sex would be there....he gave his life to you trusted you.

Try withholding food or water from yourself and see how you act

You control the kings to the kingdom he has no problem trying..you are denying.

ITS you and he needs to behave better too.

Once YOU equate sex as a chore..you might as well divorce him and set him free... you should not CONTROL a mans desires women a terrible at that since you are not a male and don't understand.

You are both high speed on the resentment train...someone needs to give in.

Since sex should NEVER be used as a barter chip I vote YOU but of course you won't listen and justify how you are wronged and what you will get in return is a lousy marriage congrats for not letting him get one over on you...don't be surprised if he cheats or leaves you.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

You are only 36. Why doesnt your husband work? Is he looking hard for work?

This seems to be the biggest problem. On the ither hand, I know you are tired, but married couples should be having sex


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

SouthernLady, be honest with him. Tell him you are not attracted to him and why. You say he is complaining that you never have sex anymore. Is it truly that you have NO sex or that it isn't as frequently as he wants? Honestly, with the way you described everything, I'd have a hard time being attracted to the man you described, too. That's not to say I would completely cut him off, but it would be difficult for me to have sex with a man who behaves as you described. If you don't like the constant innuendos, TELL HIM. If you don't like him groping every time you pass by him, TELL HIM. The massage thing would have seriously pissed me off. I would have gotten up the minute he put his hand between my legs and made the comment about rubbing something else. He asked what was wrong. You told him. He chose to ignore it. 

As far as the kids are concerned, caring for them is not an option. It is a responsibility. They are his, too. There is no reason he cannot manage them himself if you are able to on your own. You said he doesn't work, right? The kids are in school all day (except summer)? So what does he do all day? And, what happens with the kids when you are working? Are their disabilities physical, mental, emotional? 

I'm only asking so I can get a clearer picture. But, based solely on what you have posted, I'd be angry and resentful, too. Having more of the picture will help us understand better.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## SeekingEcstasy (Jun 20, 2014)

You both need a little conditioning. I would say you should have a calm sit down with him. Start by telling him that sexual references by him are not welcome during this talk. Tell him that you understand that he is frustrated by the lack of sex and that obviously makes him crude and uncaring. Tell him you are going to give him all the sex he needs (maybe less than he wants at times) but you have to have things also. Then give him a list. Helping with the kids so you are not exhausted should be high on that list with hygene and appearance. 

I don't know what his job situation is but if he worked you might not need to. If he doesn't, he should do the household chores and care for the kids. Not being able to handle them both is no excuse. Learn. It might also be that these are not his biological children and he is less attached. But, if so, he knew the score when you meet. Spending time with them could help the bonding.

Point out that marriage is a mutual service arrangement. Both pitch in. But you will do much better if you can perform your services with purpose and love. Know why you are doing things and think of the joy it creates.


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## SouthernLady77 (Jul 5, 2014)

Both of the kids are his. Our kids developmental delays, our oldest is autistic and has mild MR and epilepsy. My husband hasn't worked in seven years when he was fired from his previous job. He has no interest or desire to get a job, won't look for one and says that he is too depressed to work and so I have urged him to apply for disability if he really feels this way. He has an addiction to porn, and will stay up till 5am watching it online then sleep until 2 or 3pm. when I work if the kids don't have school they go to my mothers. I come home and have to clean the house, cook dinner, do the laundry and watch after the kids. He will go out and mow the yard or work in the garden but that about it. He says that its my job as a wife to take care of the kids and the house. When the kids are in bed the chores are done and I am ready to go to bed or relax then that is when he wants to have sex and by then I am so exhausted that I get angry because I just want left alone. He has come into the bedroom at 1am and woke me up wanting some when he knows that I have to be up at 6am. I have told him, maybe if he helped with the kids, cleaned the house or got up earlier so that I am not stuck doing everything all day then I would be more inclined to have sex with him. We have tried before and usually he either can't stay aroused, says his knees hurt and he has to stop or he gets off without satisfying me and he leaves the room and I have to finish myself off. He doesn't care if I have any enjoyment from it as long as he does and he never wants it when I do but expects me to be ready when he is, even if I am sound asleep. He won't be romantic either which is something I really want, its more like slam bam thank u maam. I feel more like a hooker than his wife. Once he gets what he wants he is done with me until next time. Its kinda like ok get in the bed room then when you are done make me food and then clean the house and don't bother me. So yes, sex has become one of my regular chores. Its not enjoyable, he doesn't care about making me feel good, actually I am surprised that he doesn't leave 20 bucks on the table when he is done. I just want to find a way to make him more romantic, make it seem like he cares about me, and maybe do it when I want to so I don't feel like its something I am forced to do just to make him happy. If he doesn't start treating me with more respect then I wont have to worry about him cheating or leaving as the one gentleman so nicely pointed out because I will leave. I'm sick of being treated like a ***** and a house maid, I AM his wife...his partner and his equal...NOT his property.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Ugh! I HATE that "woman's work" argument! I'd actually blow up if my husband said that to me. In your situation, I'd come back with "if housework and childcare is 'woman's work' then you should be the one out earning money. Get off your ass and get a job or do some of the housework. Non-negotiable. " And if getting a job is not possible, I agree with applying for disability. If unwilling to do any of the above, it may be time to separate.

Seriously, I couldn't have sex with a man as you described.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## ariel_angel77 (May 23, 2014)

Attend marriage counseling right away.

Also, him watching porn is a HUGE problem. Tell him that you are not okay with that. It is only going to kill the intimacy between you two. If you have to, take his laptop away. Also tell him he will no longer make comments about other women. EVER. Explain how hurtful that is. But also, if you do this, you have to be willing to GIVE HIM SEX. He needs it badly. Like, you don't understand how much men need sex. I encourage both of you to read His Needs, Her Needs. It sounds like a lot of you two not meeting each other's needs. 

I would also require him to get a job and help out. Tell him you will no longer support him unless he gets a job. That is not fair to you. Or give him the option to cook and clean since you work. He is NOT allowed to bypass both.

Again, a marriage counselor is in order.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

I do agree that if you want the marriage fixed, go to marriage counseling. Get him in there. Also, SL, you mentioned lack of hygeine? Yea, that needs to be rectified IMMEDIATELY, too.

See, I've noticed that people keep latching onto "no sex". She isn't saying that. They have sex. The problem is that he comes in, wakes her up, knowing she has to be up early in the morning. Or he chooses right after she has done all the housework, after working all day. I would refuse at those times, too. And I would feel sex was a chore as well, if I wasn't getting any satisfaction from it. 

So, I'm going to say, now, that you BOTH are responsible here. SL, you need to speak up and tell him:
1. Bathe more (or whatever the hygeine issue is). 
2. Help with housework and or childcare as long as he is at home all day. 
3. Get a job or apply for disability. 
4. See a psychologist for his depression. 
5. Both of you need marriage counseling.

Just to clarify, SL has not said she is withholding sex. She has said she doesn't like it at this time, given the current dynamic of the marriage. I can't blame her. I wouldn't like it either. And the hygeine WOULD cause me to withhold... especially if I have said multiple times that I cannot stomach sex with a man who is filthy (not saying that is exactly the issue, SL, just an example). And I wouldn't... until he was clean.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Maricha75 said:


> I do agree that if you want the marriage fixed, go to marriage counseling. Get him in there. Also, SL, you mentioned lack of hygeine? Yea, that needs to be rectified IMMEDIATELY, too.
> 
> See, I've noticed that people keep latching onto "no sex". She isn't saying that. They have sex. The problem is that he comes in, wakes her up, knowing she has to be up early in the morning. Or he chooses right after she has done all the housework, after working all day. I would refuse at those times, too. And I would feel sex was a chore as well, if I wasn't getting any satisfaction from it.
> 
> ...


She is withholding when HE wants it, if she starts giving it up to him WHEN HE WANTS ...he will improve..

Chicken and the egg

She can withhold other things to prove a point just NOT SEX which is what many ladies go to immediately..its WRONG! and cruel.

Once again HE is trapped with a withholding wife who uses sex to get her way... same story over and over.

Yet its all his fault mostly right


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If he is not working and you work only part time, how are you two able to make it financially?
Like Maricha, I could not have sex with the man you describe.
It is true that with marriage we promise to forsake all other so our spouse should be meeting our sexual needs. It’s also true that a man (or woman) has an obligation to keep up all aspects of the marriage relationship. If they don’t then they can pretty much expect that sex will die off in the marriage.

Sex is not something that should ever be given out of obligation. It should be a mutual expressing of desire for each other.

Your husband refuses to meet your sexual needs but he expects you to meet his.
You get nothing out of the sex because he will not take care of your sexual needs. Why would any woman want to have sex with a man who uses her as place to sick his **** and nothing else? He’s rude with his comments, his constant sexual-only touching.
He has bad hygiene he’s become physically unattractive.
He refuses to contribute financially via a job, getting disability, etc.
He refuses to take 50% responsibility for the care of his children and his own home.
You are not married to a man. You are married to a perpetual teenager.
He is demanding that you do the “woman’s” work, but then he refuses to do the “men’s work”.
How often do you have sex with him?

If you feel that you have had enough and want to divorce him, you have ample justification.
If you want to try to fix this marriage then you will have to stand up to him and force some serious changes in your marriage.
Get into MC ASAP.
Tell him what you told us here. If you are seriously thinking of ending your marriage over these things tell him that as well. Tell him that he has one chance to go to MC with you and to fix your marriage.

Get the books “His Needs, Her Needs” and “Love Busters”. Tell him that reading them and working with you by doing the things the books say to do are part of what is required for you to not file for divorce. From the sounds of it your husband does not meet any of your needs. You are meeting a good number of his to include sex. While he might not be getting sex as often as you likes, he is getting sex. The imbalance in your relationship is profound.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Trying2figureitout said:


> She is withholding when HE wants it, if she starts giving it up to him WHEN HE WANTS ...he will improve..
> 
> Chicken and the egg
> 
> ...


When she does have sex with him, he refuses to sexually please her. Doesn't he have the obligation to please her as well?


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> If he is not working and you work only part time, how are you two able to make it financially?
> Like Maricha, I could not have sex with the man you describe.
> It is true that with marriage we promise to forsake all other so our spouse should be meeting our sexual needs. It’s also true that a man (or woman) has an obligation to keep up all aspects of the marriage relationship. If they don’t then they can pretty much expect that sex will die off in the marriage.
> 
> ...


OP like many women here refuse to see it from a mans perspective. They justify there way out of it.

SEX is not optional! REGARDLESS of the situation and the reason for most of these issues


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Trying2figureitout said:


> She is withholding when HE wants it, if she starts giving it up to him WHEN HE WANTS ...he will improve..
> 
> Chicken and the egg
> 
> ...


Ah yes, men are entitled to sex regardless of how they behave and what they actually contribute. Poor baby doesn't have to work, take care of his kids, have good hygiene, or do much of anything but if wifee isn't putting out that's a problem. Ha ha, the bum hasn't worked in 7 years but somehow he'll magically become motivated if she f$cks him. Yeah, life just doesn't work that way. Sexist garbage.

OP, you have taught him how to treat you. If you feel like a hooker it's because you've allowed him to treat you like one. Get rid of him; honestly, what would you be losing?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Trying2figureitout said:


> OP like many women here refuse to see it from a mans perspective. They justify there way out of it.
> 
> SEX is not optional! REGARDLESS of the situation and the reason for most of these issues


If a man was married to a woman who never bathed, did not take care of her appearance, gained a lot of weight, never cleaned house, ignored the children, etc etc.... is her husband obligated to have sex with her?

What is the line at which the marriage is so broken that it's reasonable for a man to not want sex with his wife?


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> If a man was married to a woman who never bathed, did not take care of her appearance, gained a lot of weight, never cleaned house, ignored the children, etc etc.... is her husband obligated to have sex with her?
> 
> What is the line at which the marriage is so broken that it's reasonable for a man to not want sex with his wife?


Difference for the woman is its not a need and may be seen as a benefit not having sex

BIG DIFFERENCE most women list sex a #8 or #9 if it makes the list of needs

Men #1 or #2


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Trying2figureitout said:


> She is withholding when HE wants it, if she starts giving it up to him WHEN HE WANTS ...he will improve..
> 
> Chicken and the egg
> 
> ...


Predictable.  Take off your blinders, T2, and read the whole thing. He wants sex only when she has to be up early in the morning, to support their family (which he does not do). He wants sex right after she has done the housework (which he refuses to do, though he is home all day, everyday). And yet, she does have sex with him... and he is a selfish lover, caring only that he gets off, not her. 

But, I forgot. She is a woman who doesn't want sex with a man with poor hygiene, which didn't manifest until after they married. The hygiene makes no difference, right? She is XX, rather than XY, therefore she is wrong.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

trying2figureitout said:


> difference for the woman is its not a need and may be seen as a benefit not having sex


Stop it! For many women *SEX IS A NEED*!!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> If a man was married to a woman who never bathed, did not take care of her appearance, gained a lot of weight, never cleaned house, ignored the children, etc etc.... is her husband obligated to have sex with her?
> 
> What is the line at which the marriage is so broken that it's reasonable for a man to not want sex with his wife?



I guess in the worlds of some men sex is entitlement number one, and they have to do absolutely nothing to hold up their end of the partnership. If their wife isn't enthusiastically spreading her legs he has no standards or accountability for anything. Shocking that these jerks have marital problems.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Maricha75 said:


> stop it! For many women *sex is a need*!!



Read the self reported surveys of needs assessments

I deal with facts not PC feel goods made up stats

Yes its a need #8 or #9 if it makes the list on average for women

versus

#1 or #2 for men


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Difference for the woman is its not a need and may be seen as a benefit not having sex
> 
> BIG DIFFERENCE most women list sex a #8 or #9 if it makes the list of needs
> 
> Men #1 or #2


Interesting, so it's on her to accommodate his need first in hopes that he'll behave like something other than a spoiled child. How convenient for him. Keep with that attitude, see how it works for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

lifeistooshort said:


> I guess in the worlds of some men sex is entitlement number one, and they have to do absolutely nothing to hold up their end of the partnership. If their wife isn't enthusiastically spreading her legs he has no standards or accountability for anything. Shocking that these jerks have marital problems.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not at all

BUT sex should never be withheld ever in a marriage..ever unless there is a medical reason


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Read the self reported surveys of needs assessments
> 
> I deal with facts not PC feel goods made up stats
> 
> ...


SOME men, and SOME women. It isn't an absolute, T2, no matter how you try to twist it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Difference for the woman is its not a need and may be seen as a benefit not having sex
> 
> BIG DIFFERENCE most women list sex a #8 or #9 if it makes the list of needs
> 
> Men #1 or #2


So you did not answer my question. Gee I wonder why. :scratchhead:

SL has stated that she has NEED to be sexually satisfied. Even though she does have sex with him, he refuses to satisfy her sexually. Did you miss that?

A man, just like a woman, has an obligation to maintain ALL aspects of the marital relationship. Each has an obligation to meet the other's needs. 

A man’s needs are no more important than a woman’s needs.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Maricha75 said:


> Stop it! For many women *SEX IS A NEED*!!


It's a need with a real man, not a mooching bum.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Not at all
> 
> BUT sex should never be withheld ever in a marriage..ever unless there is a medical reason


It's not any more important than a woman's need to have a partner. If her needs aren't getting met neither are his. She's not attracted to a bum, therefore it becomes a chore simply to meet his needs but he's not meeting hers, so he's not entitled simply because he's a man. Nobody in life owes you anything.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Not at all
> 
> BUT sex should never be withheld ever in a marriage..ever unless there is a medical reason


And what you are not grasping is that sex is not being withheld. They are still having sex. Repeat: they are still having sex. He's getting off, but leaving her hanging. He's not doing anything, but she has to do everything: housework, childcare, and working outside the home. Yea, no wonder she's exhausted. I bet if he approached her at bedtime, not the middle of the night, she'd be more receptive. Or even if he made sure she was satisfied as well. But when a husband treats his wife as a maid and/or a prostitute, that definitely is going to make her less likely to want/enjoy sex. Go figure.


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

Well. As a man I dont respect OP's husband.

I work damn hard doing physical work 6 days a week to provide for my family. I have a herniated spinal disc that makes this work unbearable at times. 

Yet I work because its my responsibility to provide. He is depressed because is is a lay around useless piece of sh!t and his brain chemistry is off kilter with porn and bad sleeping habits.

He has unrealistic expectations of his hard working wife due to his porn intake. He is hoping sex with her will make him the 'man' he is too lazy to man up and be.

He doesnt respect his wife yet expects sex on a platter.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Read the self reported surveys of needs assessments
> 
> I deal with facts not PC feel goods made up stats
> 
> ...


Ok I'll play along here...

We have Mr. A and Mrs. A.

Mr. A says that his #1 need is sex, #2 is admiration.
Mrs. A says that her #1 is domestic support and #2 is conversation.

Now Mr. A & Mrs. A are equally obligated to meet each other's top 10 needs.

Mr. A's need for sex is not anymore important than Mrs. A's need for domestic support.

This is the part that many men seem to not get... they think that since their is their #1, then it's THE MOST IMPORTANT. It's not their #1 is equally important as her #1.

And so it goes down the ranked list of needs for each of them.

SL's husband is not meeting even one of her emotional needs. She is meeting most if not all of his. Yea he's not getting his sex at the drop of the hat each time. But he is getting sex.

Affection
Sexual Fulfillment
Conversation
Recreational Companionship
Honesty and Openness
Physical Attractiveness
Financial Support
Domestic Support
Family Commitment
Admiration 

The Most Important Emotional Needs


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

soulseer said:


> Well. As a man I dont respect OP's husband.
> 
> I work damn hard doing physical work 6 days a week to provide for my family. I have a herniated spinal disc that makes this work unbearable at times.
> 
> ...



:allhail::allhail:


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lifeistooshort said:


> Interesting, so it's on her to accommodate his need first in hopes that he'll behave like something other than a spoiled child. How convenient for him. Keep with that attitude, see how it works for you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


SL can comment on this... 

My bet is that there was a time when she met his needs sexually. But over time he started to refused to hold up his end on everything.


So now he meets none of her needs and he's basically diving her away and turning her off.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Not at all
> 
> BUT sex should never be withheld ever in a marriage..ever unless there is a medical reason


Why are you ok with him withhold sexual pleasure from her?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

soulseer said:


> Well. As a man I dont respect OP's husband.
> 
> I work damn hard doing physical work 6 days a week to provide for my family. I have a herniated spinal disc that makes this work unbearable at times.
> 
> ...


:iagree: Now you see, this is what I like.. a REAL MAN.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> So you did not answer my question. Gee I wonder why. :scratchhead:
> 
> SL has stated that she has NEED to be sexually satisfied. Even though she does have sex with him, he refuses to satisfy her sexually. Did you miss that?
> 
> ...



When it comes to SEX its simply 100% different..not equal AND all other needs in everyone's list can be achieved within marital vows NOT sex outside marriage.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> :iagree: Now you see, this is what I like.. a REAL MAN.



None of us respect the OPS husband...some of us know sex is different and NOT a barter chip though

BET the man who posted that has a good sex life


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

Trying2figureitout said:


> None of us respect the OPS husband...some of us know sex is different and NOT a barter chip though
> 
> BET the man who posted that has a good sex life


 No I dont. 

Irony of life.

My wife doesnt show me that she appreciates my efforts with sex and affection. Which is really all a man wants.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Trying2figureitout said:


> When it comes to SEX its simply 100% different..not equal AND all other needs in everyone's list can be achieved within marital vows NOT sex outside marriage.


Please remember that this is a thread started by a woman to discuss HER issues. It’s not a general discussion about the importance of sex to the average man.

We have to look at each relationship individually. Averages/norms do not count when we are talking about one particular marriage. The marriage we are talking about here is one with special needs children who need a lot of time/energy, low income (most likely), a woman who works half time and does just about 100% of child care, chores, etc. and a nonworking husband how surfs porn, has bad hygiene, and acts like a bratty 14 year old.

It’s untrue that all other needs can be achieved within marital vows. Let’s go down the list.

*Sexual Fulfillment* – this does not mean that the man gets to use his wife’s body and not satisfy her sexually. It’s a two way thing. When he gets sex, so does she. 

* Non-sexual intimacy*

This is a group that includes: 

Affection 
Conversation
Recreational Companionship
Honesty and Openness
Physical Attractiveness 
Admiration 
Family Commitment

Non-sexual intimacy are things that, when married, a person needs from their spouse. 
For example, no matter how much affection a person gets from the peanut gallery, extended family and friends, they still need affection from their spouse. 
None of these can be hired out. These are all forms of non-sexual intimacy that are required to keep a marriage passionate. If someone outside the marriage fills all of these needs for Mr. A, Mr A is going to dump Mrs A. (and visa versa for Mrs. A.)


*Financial Support* 
Like most people, SL cannot go outside her marriage to get financial support. She are her husband are the only two people in this world who will support them. And her husband refuses to do what is needed. Very few people can get their financial support outside of their marriage. They depend on the marital unit to produce the income for the family.

This need is also a basic survival need. Right now this is probably SL’s #1 need because without an income, she and her children’s very survival are at risk.

In SL’s marriage she is the only one providing financial support. She has no other place to get financial support from so, no she cannot go outside the marriage and get it. She needs for her husband to get a job and take care of his responsibility. 

*Domestic Support*
SL cannot go outside the marriage to get this need met because they do not have the money to hire housekeepers and a nanny or two.

This need is also a basic survival need as well. Right now this is probably SL’s #2 need. It’s extra important because she has special needs children.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

soulseer said:


> No I dont.
> 
> Irony of life.
> 
> ...



But she should, because you are a real man. OP's hb is a spoiled child and not entitled to anything.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Trying2figureitout said:


> None of us respect the OPS husband...some of us know sex is different and NOT a barter chip though
> 
> BET the man who posted that has a good sex life



But apparently every one of a woman's needs are bartering chips and less important, including her sexual fulfillment. As long as hubby is getting off everything else is secondary.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

OP, there are so many issues here that I can only suggest MC.

Who on earth would want physical intimacy with the sort of man you've described?

He's lazy


He's sexist


He has poor personal hygiene


He's uncouth


He's disrespectful


He's addicted to porn


All of these issues need addressing if your marriage is to survive.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

soulseer said:


> No I dont.
> 
> Irony of life.
> 
> My wife doesnt show me that she appreciates my efforts with sex and affection. Which is really all a man wants.


Some people feel entitled and do not care who they hurt. 

It sounds like your wife is one of them.

SL's husband is another of them.

Two sides of the same coin, expressed in different ways.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> Interesting, so it's on her to accommodate his need first in hopes that he'll behave like something other than a spoiled child. How convenient for him. Keep with that attitude, see how it works for you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Been there, done that and it does not work. 

I did the whole "meets all his needs including sexual" things. Enthusiastic sex on demand, I initiated and tried new things. I thought it would make him start meeting my unfulfilled needs. DID NOT WORK. We were like roommates who had sex. When I had the come to Jesus talk, (after many talks), the first words out of his mouth were, "I thought everything was good, the sex is great". 

My takeaway is that for men if they are getting all their needs met everything must be good in the relationship. No need for them to work on their side of the street.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Probably wont do any good, but you need to tell him he needs to start being a man. If he has medical issues then get treated, but in the mean time he can get off the internet, get cleaned up and help with the kids. Then when he is well he can get a freaking job. I would even go as far as telling him your not intrested in having sex with one of your kids. When he starts acting like a man you will treat him like a MAN. Good luck. Im thinking your going to need it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

So he gets turned on by porn (not by her) and wakes her up in the middle of the night (when she's the only one working) to get that itch taken care of without regard to any itch she might have. Doesn't work and doesn't help. Poor hygiene. Yeah. Sounds like every woman's dream.


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## SeekingEcstasy (Jun 20, 2014)

SouthernLady77 said:


> Both of the kids are his. Our kids developmental delays, our oldest is autistic and has mild MR and epilepsy. My husband hasn't worked in seven years when he was fired from his previous job. He has no interest or desire to get a job, won't look for one and says that he is too depressed to work and so I have urged him to apply for disability if he really feels this way. He has an addiction to porn, and will stay up till 5am watching it online then sleep until 2 or 3pm. when I work if the kids don't have school they go to my mothers. I come home and have to clean the house, cook dinner, do the laundry and watch after the kids. He will go out and mow the yard or work in the garden but that about it. He says that its my job as a wife to take care of the kids and the house. When the kids are in bed the chores are done and I am ready to go to bed or relax then that is when he wants to have sex and by then I am so exhausted that I get angry because I just want left alone. He has come into the bedroom at 1am and woke me up wanting some when he knows that I have to be up at 6am. I have told him, maybe if he helped with the kids, cleaned the house or got up earlier so that I am not stuck doing everything all day then I would be more inclined to have sex with him. We have tried before and usually he either can't stay aroused, says his knees hurt and he has to stop or he gets off without satisfying me and he leaves the room and I have to finish myself off. He doesn't care if I have any enjoyment from it as long as he does and he never wants it when I do but expects me to be ready when he is, even if I am sound asleep. He won't be romantic either which is something I really want, its more like slam bam thank u maam. I feel more like a hooker than his wife. Once he gets what he wants he is done with me until next time. Its kinda like ok get in the bed room then when you are done make me food and then clean the house and don't bother me. So yes, sex has become one of my regular chores. Its not enjoyable, he doesn't care about making me feel good, actually I am surprised that he doesn't leave 20 bucks on the table when he is done. I just want to find a way to make him more romantic, make it seem like he cares about me, and maybe do it when I want to so I don't feel like its something I am forced to do just to make him happy. If he doesn't start treating me with more respect then I wont have to worry about him cheating or leaving as the one gentleman so nicely pointed out because I will leave. I'm sick of being treated like a ***** and a house maid, I AM his wife...his partner and his equal...NOT his property.


With this additional information, I say, "Dump his sorry ass immediately. You have stayed way to long. He is beyond hope and should be living under a bridge."


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Openminded said:


> So he gets turned on by porn (not by her) and wakes her up in the middle of the night (when she's the only one working) to get that itch taken care of without regard to any itch she might have. Doesn't work and doesn't help. Poor hygiene. Yeah. Sounds like every woman's dream.



That's the great thing about porn. It doesn't care how big of a selfish loser you are.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lord Summerisle (May 23, 2013)

Has he always been this way or did it seem to be getting progressivley worse since having been fired from his job? I think being fired can be potentially devastating for a man's ego/self confidence. Maybe he got knocked into a tailspin and now has just crashed as a man. It sounds to me like he has ridiculously low self esteem and self worth, he needs professional help and maybe medication to get him back into the game of life.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Lord Summerisle said:


> Has he always been this way or did it seem to be getting progressivley worse since having been fired from his job? I think being fired can be potentially devastating for a man's ego/self confidence. Maybe he got knocked into a tailspin and now has just crashed as a man. It sounds to me like he has ridiculously low self esteem and self worth, he needs professional help and maybe medication to get him back into the game of life.


Unfortunately, the OP is over her head in supporting the family and doing everything else. I doubt that she has the time and energy to take care of an emotional invalid.

She's already suggested to him to try for disability and he won't bother. 

If he has some extended family around, maybe she can talk to them to get him to take care of himself.


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## SouthernLady77 (Jul 5, 2014)

Lord Summerisle said:


> Has he always been this way or did it seem to be getting progressivley worse since having been fired from his job? I think being fired can be potentially devastating for a man's ego/self confidence. Maybe he got knocked into a tailspin and now has just crashed as a man. It sounds to me like he has ridiculously low self esteem and self worth, he needs professional help and maybe medication to get him back into the game of life.


When I first met him he wasn't like this. He worked, paid his bills, his house was a mess but his first wife had left him and he wasn't much of a house keeper. He is 17 years older than I am and I thought that I would be marrying a mature man that wasn't into partying and drinking, someone that would work and we could make a nice life together. Things changed though after the kids were born. We bought a new house and then my father passed away and my husband ate through my inheritance within a year. They eliminated his job at work and gave him the option of working a line but he refused stating that he was unable to keep up with it and wouldn't know what to do. They wanted to train in on a fork lift and he refused that as well saying that he probably wouldn't pass the test so they let him go. I would see other jobs that were posted around town and he refused to apply to any of them, it was either too hot in the building for him, it was first shift and he can't get up that early, he would be on his feet all day and can't do that, he even refused a fast food job because he has never worked in fast food and was to old to learn how. Eventually I gave up, I do nursing and I picked up more clients, worked 12 hours a day and had to hire a baby sitter while he was at home because he refused to get up and watch the kids. I finally got the kids on disability, one has autism and mild mr as well as epilepsy, the other is developmentally delayed with ADHD and a speech delay. The disability for the kids and my income are what I use to pay bills and rent and buy food. We have enough to just get by and be comfortable. I went down to part time because I would come home and the house would be trashed, dishes piled up, no laundry done and it was getting so overwhelming for me. My husband would stay home all day and make a mess but not clean it up and then I would spend all night cleaning and I started have bad anxiety attacks and at one point had a nervous break down and was in the hospital for a week, my mom took the kids during that time and my husband was angry with me and told me that I needed to get my ass home and clean the house and cook for him because he was sick of pizza and take out. I have done everything I can think of to be accommodating, to make him happy, I have begged him to help more, I have threatened to leave. I have tried to get him into marriage counseling, I am now seeing a therapist but he won't go because he says that I have the problem and not him. I don't know, I give up. I have two options, leave him or shut up and put up with him, but obviously he does not respect me, does not care about me, and sees me as personal property and not his wife. I don't with hold anything from him, but when he watches porn all night and masturbates then can't get aroused again that is not my fault though he blames me because I am in bed asleep. When I am up during the day and the kids are in school and I have time for sex he is in bed asleep and doesn't want to be bothered, but that's my fault too. I should stand by his bed all morning long naked and wait for him to wake up then fall over on my back with my legs in the air and after he is done, I should put make-up on fix my hair and wear high heeled shoes and cook his meal naked and try to act as sexy as humanly possible while cooking for him, then give him a BJ while he eats. Basically he wants a steppford wife and I have no intention of being a robotic sex doll.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Well then stop being his doormat and get rid of him. I can't see how you'd be worse off; from here on if you choose to stick around you know what you're getting. Is not being alone worth it? And don't threaten to leave anymore, you don't follow through so you have no credibility.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Trying2figureitout said:


> You are starving him sexually...remember you are *his wife *and if you don't do it he is stuck and frustrated and NOT HIMSELF. You are his only "outlet" not porn not blow up dolls...YOU
> 
> You married knowing sex would be there....he gave his life to you trusted you.
> 
> ...



I had to laminate this. So perfectly said, I'm beyond words.........:smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup:


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Trying2figureitout said:


> She is withholding when HE wants it, if she starts giving it up to him WHEN HE WANTS ...he will improve..
> 
> Chicken and the egg
> 
> ...



Golden words......:smthumbup::smthumbup:


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

For me, its extremely simple.


- I am a man
- I am physical
- I have a high adventurous sex drive
- I NEED sex
- I don't make simple things complicated
- I don't ever with hold sex from Mrs.CuddleBug
- I do my share of the chores (more than 50%) without being asked
- I take the initiative for everything
- I lead our marriage and get things done
- I work full time
- I take care of myself, for me and my wifee

When I did get layed off a few times, way back in the day, I went on EI and never had Mrs.CuddleBug pay for my share of the bills. I did all the chores and errands during those stressful times and even drove her to and from work, which she liked. She even offered to pay for everything, but as a man, her hubby, I just could never do that to her......ever.

When you get married, you are not your own anymore and you are to take care of each others needs as your own.

So if the wifee is HD, and the hubby is LD, he is to take care of her need. That means working out, taking supplements to raise his test levels and sex drive. That means new toys for her, oils, massages and initiating, even if he isn't in the mood nearly as much. Over time, he will learn to like having more sex with his wifee. He is not to deny her, make lame excuses, do this chore or errand and maybe sex later.......sex should never be based on set conditions being met. Sex should be based on they love each other, find each other hot and want sex with each other, no matter what life throws their way. Sex bonds hubby and wifee together in so many more ways than doing chores, or words will ever do.

If the guy isn't working, views porn, doesn't do much around the house, have a serious talk with him and either he man's up, get a job, starts supporting and doing chores, and minimize the porn or ditch his useless ass. For what you've described, he is a pig. Rubbing you down there, saying dirty things, while you are exhausted and have a sore body, because he wants sex? Not cool on his part. Or wanting a BJ while he eats? Really? This guy is a piece of work. Sounds like he just doesn't want to work and is lazy.

He isn't working yet? Doesn't seem to want to get work? Yet he wants sex from you all the time? That is a major turn off. He has to man up, get a job, provide for you and the kids, starts doing a lot of the chores and errands and when your stresses decrease, then the fun adventurous sex comes back. Yes?

When I did get layed off, way back in the day, my stress levels went way up and I needed sex everyday. My wifee was LD and we only had sex 1x month, even when I was working full time. So I did masturbate to porn almost daily as my main stress reliever. I wanted sex with her, but that never happened.


I wish you all the best.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

CB, I REALLY hope your agreement with T2 was sarcasm. If not, go back and read each and every one of SL's posts. And reread them until you understand what she is actually saying.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> CB, I REALLY hope your agreement with T2 was sarcasm. If not, go back and read each and every one of SL's posts. And reread them until you understand what she is actually saying.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* on Android_



*"If the guy isn't working, views porn, doesn't do much around the house, have a serious talk with him and either he man's up, get a job, starts supporting and doing chores, and minimize the porn or ditch his useless ass. For what you've described, he is a pig. Rubbing you down there, saying dirty things, while you are exhausted and have a sore body, because he wants sex? Not cool on his part. Or wanting a BJ while he eats? Really? This guy is a piece of work. Sounds like he just doesn't want to work and is lazy."*


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> Maricha75 said:
> 
> 
> > CB, I REALLY hope your agreement with T2 was sarcasm. If not, go back and read each and every one of SL's posts. And reread them until you understand what she is actually saying.
> ...


Ok, I was just making sure. Those emoticons can really throw ya. 

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> Ok, I was just making sure. Those emoticons can really throw ya.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* on Android_



Thx. I totally support her and not him. He makes me quite mad actually....and gives us guys who get layed off a bad name, yes?


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