# how to deal



## birdbath (Dec 8, 2009)

my wife and i have been married for 8 months and together for three years she has always had problems with lying and she is a recovering drug addict well last night my wife came to me and said she had sex with her ex-boyfriend before we got married it was one of the 4 times she had relapsed on drugs she said she stopped when it sank in what she was doing well anyways i asked her calmly what was the reason for her telling me now and she said she tested positive for clamydia so i probalby have it well i guess what i need help with is we have a 14 month old son who means the world to me and i love my wife dearly how do ii begin to cope with and how can i be sure to prevent it from ever happening again i want this to work and she says she does too i believe her but i believed her before when she has lied several times in the past please this is the first time ive been married and i dont want to do it again i love her but i dont know if i can forgive her HELP PLEASE. ANDY,OKLAHOMA thanks


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## birdbath (Dec 8, 2009)

please help me with this problem anyone please i need comfort


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## letitgo (Nov 3, 2009)

I am sorry for what you are going thru. You have some good things going for you, you seem to want to make it work with your wife and she seems to want the same. (?) Take your time with forgiving her, she hurt you and that doesn mean you need to get over it this month or year. Let her know how bad you are hurt by this. Tell her you've lost your trust but want to get that trust back. Not sure theres a magic trust cure..maybe someone else will have better advice but for me these things take time. A lot will depend on your wife, shes the only one that can make you trust her again. All I can say is talk to her, talk about what happend and get everything in the open, find out how shes feeling. that may sound stupid to wonder how the cheater is but maybe theres something you can do to help her thru this and find a way to open up her honesty and break away from all the lies


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Hi Andy,

I'm sure her drug addict days were filled with lies and I have no idea if that stops once recovery starts or if it lingers on. Either way, not good in a marriage to not be able to trust that your wife is being honest with you.

What bothers me is that her only reason for being honest now is that she found out she as an STD. Basically, she only comes forward with the truth when she has to.

Is she in any type of counseling since she began her recovery? I would think she would benefit from that and if she is feeling good about herself, she may feel better about being open and honest with you.

You can forgive her at some point, but I think you will need to feel confident that the lying is behind her and she is ready to be in an honest relationship with you. I think she needs to make some effort here to regain your trust.


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## Sven (Nov 18, 2009)

birdbath said:


> please help me with this problem anyone please i need comfort


This is why I need to reply right away. I'm sorry that I didn't reply immediately when I saw your first post. Obviously you're in pain and getting feedback is helpful.

I just don't know what to say except I'm sorry that you are hurting.

Swedish makes a great point about honesty. She only admitted the affair because she fears the STD impact. But everyone is afraid to admit an affair, for whatever reason. At least she did.

Please start marriage counseling with her. This will be a long and painful road for you and your family. Good luck.


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## birdbath (Dec 8, 2009)

thanks for your encouragement im seeking a marriage counselor im in tulsa oklahoma any suggestions on how to find the right counselor


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## Sven (Nov 18, 2009)

Do you have insurance coverage? You can find someone that way.

Otherwise just do a google search for a marriage counselor in your area.


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## christmaslady (Dec 21, 2009)

When looking for a counselor, you probably want to try to find a relationship counselor that specializes in addictions if you can. Key to remember is when you are looking for a counselor you are not only looking for someone that can help the two of you, but someone she will ultimately feel comfortable to open up to. Remember the counseling is only as good as the two of you make it and if she goes in with secrets and lies and does not relinquish them, then you will still come out with secrets and lies.

Good luck.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

I DONT THINK THAT SWEDISH WAS TRYING TO BE RUDE I think that she is telling him things he needs to hear I mean I feel bad for you I think that was she did was just down right shameless. I think that the only reason she told you was because she was afraid you would find out with getting a std and how would you have gotton that hmmm... I just think that you should tell her that you do love her but you cant go back and fourth with addiction. And her having affairs? Thats not cool for that baby. I know what its like to be cheated on and to stay I stayed after my husband kissed my ex friend. And its hard but we also have kids and I comend you for sticking it out for your baby its hard but so worth it for that little life!


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