# Resentment erupting years later.



## goose.360 (Apr 13, 2012)

i need help. i need honest female opinions and insight. ive been married for 8 years. during this time, we had our first and only child 4 years into the marriage. after the birth and immediate relocation (I was in the USMC for 10 years) my wife and I grew immediately apart. I was always on the go with work and she was consumed with the new baby and breastfeeding. furthermore, the child did not need me at all from my standpoint. I cheated. I was a piece of sh!t, i didnt find comfort or feeling or anything with this other girl, just sex. plain, useless, sex. it wasnt an everyday thing, i didnt make excuses to get away from home, etc. nothing will ever justify this, i know, but i felt unwanted, unneeded at home and no love from my wife, none at all. during this affair that lasted a month or 2, i had sex only a few times, and near the end I got my **** together mentally and went all in with the wife and pulled my head out and focused 100% on the family and personal sacrfices to make myself available if ever needed. my wife found out about the affair a month after my turnaround. we went to counseling and she endured such pain and heartache, she was strong and offered me a 2nd chance, committed to it and we moved forward. i have not cheated since, and it has been 3 years. i left the USMC and stayed in limbo for awhile. my wife found a job utilizing her degree and fell into a hospital work environment with doctors and many others that had so many traits and intelligence i lacked. i feared this. i finally found a job managing, of all things, a HOOTERS restaurant. i did not cheat on my wife during my time there, but the hours were seriously demanding and I spent much time away from home. i developed some freindships with a few girls there, nothing emotional, nothing serious, just stupied adolescent type friendships... and i texted my coworkers to stay in touch. they became good friends of mine, friends that I had been lacking for so long since I left the USMC. i swear I did not have any physical relationship, emotional affair, nor sexting affair with any of these girls, it was simple conversations. this added to my wifes growing resentment of me for past events. during this time, i felt my wife detach from me yet again, tho I tried to boost her confidence in me, tried to let her know what she means to me, but failed. i questioned where our marriage was going once, we sought counseling, and again, I pulled my head outta my ass and saw exactly what she means to me and how I had hurt her and brought her down. she was hurt but had faith in me that we could move forward, and she committed to a last chance. i vowed it would not happen again and in the last 7 months have strived to be all that she wanted - cheesy, sweet, there for her, dependable, and loving. i love the ground this woman walks on. 

in the last year, her resentment towards me has grown out of control. she finally admitted she was questioning whether we should be married anymore or if she was even in love with me. in the last month all this has come to light, coupled with the fact that she has found comfort texting and talking to a doctor and hiding it from me. i do not feel anything physical has happened between them. but she has admitted to caring about him a little, and through texts to her friends , admits she had considered things with him, even tho he is almost twice her age and married. i cannot compete with his $$ or his knowledge of her job. I had been under the impression that we were on the right path and I was fully utilizing this chance to prove myself and to make her proud to be my wife again but it seems as if I was only pushing her further away this whole time. lately it kills me for her to even look at me because she has so much hate and resentment in her. she has openly admitted to neglecting our son. she is seeking independence and has become so disinterested in home life, often setting up numerous dates with her friends throughout the week.

I am hanging on by a thread for something, some sign or something to change. im constantly punishing myself over my past ignorance and begging for a chance to make it right and continue to improve as a husband. we tried a mini separation for a week but that took its toll on our son. we are in the same house again, and she shows me small signs of hope and feeling in her heart, but then I can see the resentment and anger pull it out of her and she is in hate mode again. we have recently turned to god, as I found I do not have the strength I need for myself and my son. 

what can I do?? how can i help her let go of some of the anger and pain, how can I make her smile like she used to... she admits she is not that far removed from trying so hard for our love to continue. im hurting and need help.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

The more you try to hold on to her the more she will try to get away from you. A better approach is for you to let her go and sincerely convey to her your remorse and willingness to treat her better whether or not the marriage continues or ends in divorce. Since she is involved in an EA (emotional affair) with the doctor, implement the *The 180 degree rules* for your emotional well being and to allow you to move on with or without her.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I take it you have heard her message loud and clear that she could trade UP if she wants to.

Maybe you should reassess career choices and be available during normal hours that match her and your kid's hours.

And continue expressing your remorse and regret.


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## goose.360 (Apr 13, 2012)

thank you for the replies. I am all in, counseling and everything. i do my best not to smother her, even though she admits the thing she misses the most is my confidence and motivation. I try to be motivated and confident and have taken the reigns and set up a date nite, out of our norm to see how it goes. I know it isnt the answer, but I feel it is a start. I quit hooters, back in October, not FOR HER per say, but I knew that it would be beneficial to our relationship. I have recently deleted all questionable contacts on my facebook and in my phone, just to avoid any further chance for those people to see any window of opportunity. I am doing my best to give her the space she needs. right now she views me as her last option of every day I feel, and though I know I deserved brutal punishment at one time, I try my damndest every day not to beat myself up anymore. Some days i fail.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Get intel on the state of the battlespace and the enemy; it wasn't clear to me whether or not the doc is banging your wife. Is he married? If so, rat him out to his wife.

You say your wife is neglecting your kids and family life. You need to turn into superdad. Start operating with the kids as if your wife isn't there, even if she is. Instead of telling her want the plans are, just do it. Fill her in if she asks, but make her be the one to ask where you're all going. Let her feel like she's already on the outside, and she'll want to be let in. Also document your superdadness for the custody battle, later.


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