# Was told my situation was better listed on here.



## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

Hey folks.

I posted on divorce and seperation but I got told to post here so here's the link to my thread so people can pick up where it's left off.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/57639-looking-help-guidance.html
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It isn't linking. Copy/paste the story here.


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## UserAwaitingDeletion (Jan 15, 2012)

KevinScotland said:


> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/57639-looking-help-guidance.html
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hows it goin? Hope this hleps.

How the Hell does anyone do THIS from a 'mobile'?:


Hi people,

This is my story, I'll try to keep it as short as possible.

My wife (28) and I (38) have been together for 7 years and we got married on the 3rd of jan 2010. She was and still is the only woman I want in the world. Things were great, we had the typical arguments but nothing was so bad that we didn't love eachother and told eachother almost everyday either by saying it or in a text message. We bought our first home in feb 2011. A 4 bedroom house to start a family. I have 2 kids already from another relationship and during the time we bought our house things were tricky there as there mom had met a new guy who stayed 300 miles away and wanted to relocate and I was fighting a court battle for them to remain closer because my kids didn't want to be that far from family and there dad. I need to touch on the relationship between my kids and my wife. She never really took a lot to do with my kids in the whole 7 years. She was never bad to them (once when she was drunk she shouted at one of them because my daughter was watching tv and my wife wanted peace) but she never totally got involved with them. I do know her father from the start had a problem with me having kids and he made a point of telling her how difficult it might be for her but she didn't really listen to him. During the court battle my wife didn't contribute any money or really any support at the time.

Anyway, during the court action things were tough money wise. Me paying lawyers and us buying a house made money tight but we still had enough. Her job was very steady and a good pay. I am a self employed musician and I make a good wage but it can be inconsistent.

The court battle started to mellow out around the march. 4 months later in july 2011 her father died while hill walking. He fell off a cliff. It was devastating for everyone. My wife really took a low, the doctor started to give her anti depressants to cope. During that time I tried to be there and offer support. The way I remember it was I tried to talk to her, be there, listen but it always ended up me doing something wrong or saying something that would end up with her flying off the handle at me and me being the bad one. A lot of this I just took as I put it down to grief. There were a few times I was punched or thumped on the chest in anger but I took it and didn't react. (I've found out the night before our wedding her dad and her went out for dinner, during dinner she asked him to contribute to the service. In the service it said "tradition in a wedding is a father handing over a daughter but now a days things are not like that. (Her dads name) do you accept (my wife's name) choice of husband" all he had to say in the script was "yes I do". Well I found out the night before he refused to contribute and say that. What a [email protected] huh.)

So, our marriage was difficult after her dads death. Intimacy was gone (not by me I always wanted to be close with her), sex was very low (not by me I always wanted her) all these things I could understand due to the circumstances. My wife could see things were difficult so she asked me to step back so she could deal with her grief so we could avoid conflict. I agreed reluctantly because I wanted to help but I did so. I always was around, offering her tea as she worked. Tried to talk to her and keep close but she wasn't really interested.

She decided about 6 weeks after her dads death she wanted a baby. I tried to get her to slow down since it was so close to her dads death. She stopped taking her pill. I knew this and one time we had sex I pulled out before I came and she said to me "for god sakes Kevin man up" god I was so close to smacking her in the teeth after that. But of course I didn't. Am not a violent person especially to women.

In November one of her friends was asking how she was getting on. I explained things were difficult at the moment. The next thing I knew the following week her friend told my wife I was thinking about divorcing her. I said no such thing. My wife called me in a panic asking if that's what I was going to do, I told her no I loved her and I never said anything like that. She sent me a text saying. Kevin I love you and need you. Tell me what I have to do to make you love me again. I told Her i do love you. Tried to make her secure.

So we get through Christmas and we went to Egypt on our anniversary. We spoke about having kids again and I said yes I wanted that but we should hold off until things were steady. She didn't like this. Anyway that was January. March we spoke about going to Cuba on 2013 anniversary.

On the 17th of April my wife wrote this.

Well. An awful lot has happened since then. I don't even know where to start.

So I'll start now-dispite things on the surface being better with Kevin, I've realised over the past few weeks that this isn't really a marriage - its more like flat mates ....
-we don't share a bed.
-we don't spend time together.
-we don't do anything.
-our lives are seperate.
-we don't have mutual friends.
-we don't have sex.
-his smoking annoys me.
- my drinking annoys him.
- we don't share anything.
- we have nothing in common.

I don't know what to do. This can't be the rest of out lives. I don't think he can be happy either. But how can I bring it up?

He will: 
1 get defensive, attack and blame me.
2 accuse me of cheating.
3 refuse to accept it.

It's not fair. I think we both deserve to be happier. But I don't know how to fix things.

Options: 
1 ignore it.
2 suggest counselling.
3 suggest separation.

****.

We sat down to talk about our marriage problems (problems I knew we're there but I had to wait for her to want to talk about them, all of the things on that list I tried to talk to her about as they happened, over 2 years I tried to talk about stuff, she would just not want too). We sat down to talk about stuff. She got drunk and suggested I might be happier with someone else. I told her no. It's her I loved and wanted and I wanted things to be better than the last year which through unfortunate circumstances have effected our lives. Anyway she got drunk and nothing got sorted.

Here is a list of events that happened over the next few months.
14th April - my wife goes on a hen night.
17th April - she writes the above list in her journal,
20th April - am told the list,
27th April - we agree to talk and we both really want to try and fix things,
28th April - we sit down to talk. Lorna gets drunk.
28th may - Lorna mentions seriously divorce,
5th June - Lorna says its over can't try anymore or see a way to fix things.
9th june - Lorna heads off to rockness and pulls the hen night guy,
12th June - I ask Lorna to tell me if this is another guy. She says no,
17th June - find out about the guy she met on the hen night and rockness.

Since then I've been told all the classic lines "I love you but am not in love with you". All the blame has been put on me (but not at first, she was crying and said sorry for ruining our marriage). She's now rewriting history saying it was never right from the start. Basically she's really hitting me hard with classic infidelity quotes and blame. It's all my fault of course in her eyes.

That was 4 months ago. I still love her. I keep making excuses for her. I try and understand her grief and how that could be causing this. Am on the roller coaster. Am really messed up with it all.

Yous all seem pretty wise so I'd like to hear your thoughts.

She has no interest at all in reconciliation. She's happy now with her new guy she tells me. She denies this is an affair and says nothing psychical happened until she said she wanted a separation (now divorce). Of course by nothing psychical happening she means on my birthday at the rockness music festival 4 days after she said its over. And she thinks that's ok.

I think this is at the very least an EA into a PA. ever since meeting this guy she made a get out plan. Am so messed up right now. She hasn't been honest at all. Anything I know I've had to find out myself then once she's been caught she admits it. But it's not been the truth coming from her mouth.

Her affair is one thing. That can be dealt with (she doesn't wanna stop it though). It's the lies, deception, the hurt she's causing me. The way she BS me now, the way she blames me, the rewriting of history. It's killing me inside. Right now am so angry.

Give me the 2x4 treatment if yous think its best.

I've read divorce remedy, 5 love languages, no more mr nice guy and hold onto your nuts. There alright but I don't think things were that bad in my marriage. Infact I know we had a great life. It seems like the first hurdle we hit she jumped off the horse.

I guess the advice am looking for is how to make reconciliation happen if its possible. Am 100% committed to my wedding vows and am not gonna just throw it away. If there's a chance to fix this that's the direction I wanna go in.

To add also I moved out the marital home at the end of June and she's now selling our house.

Kevin.
Posted via Mobile Device


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

The new link posted by awaitingdeletion works for me. Maybe the problem is its done on my iPhone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

UserAwaitingDeletion said:


> Hows it goin? Hope this hleps.
> 
> How the Hell does anyone do THIS on a phone.
> Posted via Mobile Device


 Well it wasn't my skill using a phone that done it. More probably the insanity am going through thanks to my sitch ... Lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

A couple of things you need to understand:

This isn’t your fault, most of the negativity she is having over you is exaggerated because she is in an A. She has to villainize you and the M in order to justify the A in her head. Basically re-writing your marital history, very common.

Also, you are not going to be able to talk her into an R so don’t waste your time. She has to want it herself and there isn’t anything you can say that will make a difference and attempting to stop her from leaving at this point will fail. She expects you to resist and is ready for it.

The ONLY thing you can do is let her go and if there’s a chance to R it will be because the A fails (they typically do) and she misses you. Push her out and if she comes back then deal with then but if she doesn’t then there was no hope anyway. I know you will feel compelled to try to do something but the more you do the more likely you will end up sabotaging yourself. You can’t screw up if you don’t do or say anything.

TL;DR: Kick her out and go NC


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## UserAwaitingDeletion (Jan 15, 2012)

The original:

Help and Guidance Please


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

She wants children. It seems that if you don't give them to her she may take up someone else willing to "show" her love. Maybe thats just the symptom of deeper problems. Children should be a by product of love. It must be so confusing for you. Definitely not your fault if she's cheating.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

ArmyofJuan said:


> Also, you are not going to be able to talk her into an R so don’t waste your time. She has to want it herself and there isn’t anything you can say that will make a difference and attempting to stop her from leaving at this point will fail. She expects you to resist and is ready for it.
> 
> The ONLY thing you can do is let her go and if there’s a chance to R it will be because the A fails (they typically do) and she misses you. Push her out and if she comes back then deal with then but if she doesn’t then there was no hope anyway. I know you will feel compelled to try to do something but the more you do the more likely you will end up sabotaging yourself. You can’t screw up if you don’t do or say anything.
> 
> TL;DR: Kick her out and go NC



Basically give her some tough love, show indifference to what she does, show that you have and/or are willing to move on without her, showing that you do not need her and that you are not willing to tolerate her waywardness and disrespect as a wife.

If you both decide to R, no more girls/boys nights out, no more lunches with friends of the opposite sex, no sleep overs with friends, no private texting, no privacy, no secret emails, no fishy working overtime late night hours with co worker(s).

Etc.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

UserAwaitingDeletion said:


> One thing is that you can actually go to 'Relationship counselling' on your. another hylperlink
> 
> [url=http://www.relationships-scotland.org.uk/find-a-local-service]Find a local service | Relationships Scotland[/URL]
> 
> Might be worth a go to get your head round it and assess options?


Thats good too but find a good counselor. Some counselors do not help, some exacerbate your wifes behavior by blaming it on you. Give yourself time to focus on yourself. 

You need to clear your mind of distractions, you need to eat healthy, intake vitamin c to deal with stress (cortisol) affectively, a healthy body intaking healthy food maintains a healthy mind.

Let the dust settle. Deep down inside your wife knows she is doing wrong, you just need to show her some tough love and be a man in the sense that you cannot control her, you will not force her but you WILL NOT TOLERATE cake eating. She can mess around all she wants after you divorce her if NEED BE. YOU'VE DONE IT ONCE AND YOU WILL AND CAN DO IT AGAIN IF YOU HAVE TO for the sake of SELF RESPECT and DIGNITY.

Focus on yourself.


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

ArmyofJuan said:


> A couple of things you need to understand:
> 
> This isn’t your fault, most of the negativity she is having over you is exaggerated because she is in an A. She has to villainize you and the M in order to justify the A in her head. Basically re-writing your marital history, very common.
> 
> ...


Well before I came on here and started to read about this stuff I done all the wrong stuff. Begging, trying to talk about things with her, gettin angry. The list goes on and on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## UserAwaitingDeletion (Jan 15, 2012)

KevinScotland said:


> It's went very quiet on here!!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think they had already said everything!

It takes two and maybe it takes time but how long do you give it if you are the only one holding the empty marriage

"Nae Luck"

(Sorry diwali123!)


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

CleanJerkSnatch said:


> Thats good too but find a good counselor. Some counselors do not help, some exacerbate your wifes behavior by blaming it on you. Give yourself time to focus on yourself.
> 
> You need to clear your mind of distractions, you need to eat healthy, intake vitamin c to deal with stress (cortisol) affectively, a healthy body intaking healthy food maintains a healthy mind.
> 
> ...


Slowly starting to realise this but probably too late. Lost 3 stone all the standard stuff since finding out about the affair. She is now with him. She still makes out she didn't intend this to happen. Total rubbish. After the hen night what did she expect to happen keeping in touch with him and so on. I don't think she knew him before the hen night. Basically she let this develop and probably encouraged it.

The worst part is her deception and lies. Acting like this is some big mistake. Total accident. Am not stupid I have a fair idea how this developed. In may we were still in a sexual relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

UserAwaitingDeletion said:


> I think they had already said everything!
> 
> It takes two and maybe it takes time but how long do you give it if you are the only one holding the empty marriage
> 
> ...


Are you meaning I am holding on to an empty marriage or that she was?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

First, your wife's losing her father suddenly is a huge game-changer. She grieves & discovers her own mortality at the same time. People who experience this are very unpredictable and often have no idea how to sort out their feelings. Counseling is very important here, I think.

Second, you cannot underestimate the effect of drinking. If you want to salvage your marriage, she has to stop drinking. It will take a few months for her to feel at all whole again physically, but it will happen. And she doesn't have to be a raging alcoholic for the effects on her behavior and personality to be profound. Again, professional help is needed.

Third, the desire to have a child is probably directly related to my first and second points.

I've been through some of what your wife is going through & I can tell you it's not your fault. We all have to take some responsibility in a marriage, but from your description, her problems are organic.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Kevin, 
Read "let Them go", the "180", and the stickies about remorse. 
Your wife is in an affair fog, probably. Walk away and wait a bit. Get some counseling. When it blows up in her face, she'll be back. Then, you can decide if you want to give her a second chance.
Do other things to get your mind off of her -- go hill walking, go bicycling, be social, read, lift weights. Change your focus away from her for a while. It's not your fault she cheated. Focus on you for a bit.


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

Yea affair fogs, gaslighting read it all trying to find understanding and clarity about all this. The excuses are what I've been looking for to try and not just see her as the two timing **** she is. Is it really as simple as that?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Is she a two-timer or did she make a mistake...? I don't know enough about your story to say that. I do think you shouldn't blame yourself for her cheating. That was her decision. Doesn't mean she doesn't love you; just means she's got some problems with her moral compass...


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

What I do know is meeting this OM seems to be what starts the ball rolling towards her opening up about problems. Like I've said I wasn't ignorant to our problems and I had tried to communicate with her things I'd like to be different but she wasn't too understanding about ways to fix them. (also i didnt really pressure her because she was pretty messed up with her greif) Then she meets this OM while out drinking and she then starts to list these problems as reasons to end our marriage. She even included my smoking and her drinking as reasons to end the marriage. I mean come on, excuses and justifications for screwing around and wanting someone else that's what the list of problems were. There was nothing on that list that love, attention and communication couldn't sort out.

Add to the list the classic lines I've been told of "I love you but not in love with you", "we have different life goals", or "it's not you, it's me". And it all screams bulls&@t to me. Excuse after excuse. Or justification to relieve guilt and rationalisation to accept her giving up. That's all it seems to me, not one bit of genuine truth anywhere.

The messed up part though is I still care, miss her, want to fix things and love her. It's amazing just how mental that sounds when am being treated so badly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## UserAwaitingDeletion (Jan 15, 2012)

It does not sound mental; just natural.
You are not being treated as badly as some.

Love, attention and communication might be more easily seen with a woman's beer goggles. 

Twenty eight seems young to me now. She might well be trying to please her dead Dad. God knows what she is going through after that. She might kick herself later or it might have been just the impetus she needed if things were bad from her point of view and she had given up hope of really getting anywhere with you. It could take you round in circles forever if you let it.

It looks like she has gone and she isn't talking so I can only suggest you respect your feelings and allow yourself to keep feeling them.

Have you looked at Elizabeths Kubler-Ross's model for greif??
No doubt a million songs put it a million times better since it is nothing really new.

It might apply to you losing the marriage as much as to her losing her father suddenly. Feelings can change and they can follow a general pattern up to a point and different people can be at different stages about the same thing at the same time.

Don't beat yourself up for loving her even when she is not there.
I am sorry this is all I can say. I think Moxy is spot on here. Take care of yourself and the kids.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

CleanJerkSnatch said:


> She wants children. It seems that if you don't give them to her she may take up someone else willing to "show" her love. Maybe thats just the symptom of deeper problems. Children should be a by product of love. It must be so confusing for you. Definitely not your fault if she's cheating.


I'm also wondering if the father actually committed suicide. Was she aware that he was depressed?


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

UserAwaitingDeletion said:


> It could take you round in circles forever if you let it.
> 
> _.


Yea that's how I've been lately. Chasing my tail trying to make sense of all this. I really was blindsided.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

Just so yous know. I get a lot from others comments and its great to have this site so I can get my thoughts on paper (screen) and get comments from people who have walked in my shoes. No matter what happens with reconciliation or not ill keep posting here to document the exact range of feelings and emotions I go through. It might help others.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jsmith (Nov 1, 2009)

I am sorry but you have to let her go. It takes 2 make it.


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

Hey folks,

Yes I hear yous. And you's are right. It's time to begin moving on. And I don't mean moving on with the idea me changing with make her interested again in me but I do realise that could be a consequence of me moving on. When I say moving on I'd like it to be moving on with a positive outcome for everyone. Maybe even one day a place where myself and wife could at least enjoy being friends without any feelings about this last hellish 5 months. Maybe that's a big ask with not much chance of success but its a good idea.

What I do know is my wife at one time completely fell head over heels in love with me. To quote her "she had never met anyone like me ever before and i was phenomonal" I loved my wife unconditionally. I know this. I accepted my wife for all her good and bad. I didn't judge her or try to make her someone she wasn't. Yes maybe I was too soft on her and am sure some will say "you stopped being a man" but I don't believe that either.

Circumstances beyond our control began the rocky path that lead us down to the end of this road. But like everyone has acknowledged there were choices made by her that she could have done different. There's no forgetting that for me. There is a possibility of forgiveness but I don't think I'll forget.

Such is life. Better to have loved and lost. All that stuff but its time for me to stop suffering.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

It hurts to be sure. But the sooner you realize she's not the same woman you married the better. She's basically a stranger now.


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

sinnister said:


> It hurts to be sure. But the sooner you realize she's not the same woman you married the better. She's basically a stranger now.


Agreed, but I know I know this but when it all starts messin ya up you start remembering someone from the past. It really is like nothing else I've been through this confusion.

Still what doesn't kill ya makes ya stronger they say.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

KevinScotland said:


> The messed up part though is I still care, miss her, want to fix things and love her. It's amazing just how mental that sounds when am being treated so badly.


That's why you've gotta let her go until she's done having her meltdown. Don't be her support, her anchor, her back-up plan. Just be you for a while. Leave her on her own where she will miss you. When she comes back around, you can decide if you want to give her another chance.

All those bizarre excuses she gave? That's exactly what they are. She's going through stuff she's not mature enough to deal with, so she is escaping her grief and stress and worry and reality by way of this affair fog. It will lift. Just don't enable it. Then, she will be forced to confront that this behavior is not reality, is not conducive to the life she might actually want for herself, and is not a good idea. And, then, maybe she will also face why she has taken you for granted and hurt you like this, which is the only way she will consider change. You know you're worth more. Just because she can't see it because her vision is clouded doesn't mean you're not a great partner. It's not your fault she's being a fool.

What are the things that you enjoy doing for you? Do you have friends you can spend time with? Are you taking care of yourself?


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

KevinScotland said:


> Circumstances beyond our control began the rocky path that lead us down to the end of this road. But like everyone has acknowledged there were choices made by her that she could have done different.


What were those circumstances? 

Did she just give you the ILYBNILWY speech and then bolt with OM? 

Did you guys talk about or try counseling?

How long have you guys been together? How long married?

She's grieving the death of her father which is a huge thing. It's the kind of thing that makes someone go off the rails. Have you guys been through any other huge big events like this, too? How did she behave during them? Maybe this is how she behaves when the chips are really down. 

Did you guys have other big problems before, that you were aware of?

I'll catch up with the rest of your story today, but...I wanted to suggest these questions because you seem to be stuck in a circular emotional path which is just leading you to ask "why did she do this to me?" and that won't help you. I know what that's like, I'm often stuck in that same swamp myself. However, by thinking about some of these related issues, maybe you will be able to get a different perspective, one that might be helpful or comforting to you. 

Under other circumstances, I might just say "oh she's an immoral cheater, let her go and don't look back", but it looks like big life things were going on at the same time as all the rest of this and, if nothing else, that's worth a little bit of reflection, imo.


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

moxy said:


> What were those circumstances?
> 
> Did she just give you the ILYBNILWY speech and then bolt with OM?
> 
> ...


Hi the circumstance were her dad dying and her not actively deal with it and using anti depressants to deal with it. She didn't work on her grief. Of course her dad died 9 months before she met another guy and 11 months before she told me it was over

The ILYBNILWY happened the day I found out about the OM. Previous to that (2 weeks before ) she said she wasn't happy and wanted to seperate.

We've been through nothing like this before as a couple.

We've been together 7 years married 2 and a half.

Any other problems were my not getting enough sex and wanting more. Of course after her dad died sex stopped but that's one of the reasons she listed for wanting to seperate which I found really unfair because I always wanted sex with her. It was her who was tired of too busy.

I suggested Councilling she Totally refused saying she couldn't try anymore of course this before I found out about the OM.

She is totally committed to this seperation. She now claims she's happy now. Of course her first reasons she's added ontop of it more and more to rationalise her wanting to divorce as I said re writing the marriage history as far as I can tell.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Is she drinking too much?


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> Is she drinking too much?


She was always a big drinker but defo drank a lot more after her dad died and drink does centre largely in her social interactions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

So she's an alcohol abuser at the very least and probably on her way to full-on alcoholism. Plus she's mentally unstable?

And you want to spend the rest of your life with this malfunctioning human being why?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

Am a recovering addict and alcoholic sober and clean for 19 years now and she's nothing like my drinking
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

KevinScotland said:


> Am a recovering addict and alcoholic sober and clean for 19 years now and she's nothing like my drinking
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Then you know how alcohol can affect her behavior. If she's a heavy drinker dealing with the death of a parent, you probably don't have a particularly rational person on your hands.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Okay. We're brothers then . I too am a 20 year recovering alcoholic.

Which is why I can tell you this woman is going to be you're undoing. She is unstable, immoral, and may drag you back into a relapse. Is that what you want?

Cut the cord. Find a new woman who isn't a beerhound and doesn't cheat. You have one life to live, and you've already wasted too much of it with this hag.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Have you exposed the affair and cheating to friends and family?

Have you stopped paying her bills and cut her off financially?

Have you thought that perhaps she really isn't the catch you thought? She's denied you emotionsl intimacy and sex for a long time. Why would you want to go back to that?

She's obviously giving this OM sex, or he wouldn't be with her. So she's capable of wanting to have sex, she just decided a long time ago to not see you that way.

My advice is to expose her cheating, so the OM isn't welcomed by friends and family as the new guy independent of the marriage breakup, but instead the cause of it.

I would cut her off financially totally.

I would get Married Mans Sex Life by Athol and read it, I think you'll find a lot of things which will ring true for his you've been living and what you've put up with from her.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

KevinScotland said:


> Hi the circumstance were her dad dying and her not actively deal with it and using anti depressants to deal with it. She didn't work on her grief. *Of course her dad died 9 months before she met another guy and 11 months before she told me it was over*
> 
> The ILYBNILWY happened the day I found out about the OM. Previous to that (2 weeks before ) she said she wasn't happy and wanted to seperate.
> *
> ...



You're too early in your marriage for this type of infidelity issues. You should look at this long term. Generally infidelity this early in a marriage does not get better. She may change if she gets to suffer a near-death like consequences.


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Have you exposed the affair and cheating to friends and family?
> 
> Have you stopped paying her bills and cut her off financially?
> 
> ...


Hi,

I've already exposed the affair to family and friends and none approve. My wife does try and tell a story of a mutual seperation but am not slow in telling people the truth.

As far as money she's more financially independent than me Inheriting somewhere around £200000 maybe more from her fathers estate.

I will read that book you suggested.

It was a pretty bitter pill to swallow being told lack of sex was an issue when I always showed her I wanted her. Tried to keep an intimate sex life going.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

aug said:


> You're too early in your marriage for this type of infidelity issues. You should look at this long term. Generally infidelity this early in a marriage does not get better. She may change if she gets to suffer a near-death like consequences.


So what do you suggest. Are you suggesting with this being too early in the marriage I should just assume her personality is one of a **** rather than an adulterer?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

If she's got money to support herself I suggest you file for divorce then. News the best chance for you to get out financially the best off, and she is determined to continue cheating. Stop wasting away precious days on your life on someone who doesn't value that gift.


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

moxy said:


> What are the things that you enjoy doing for you? Do you have friends you can spend time with? Are you taking care of yourself?


My friends have been great (even her friends and family have been great with me (one of her closest friends said to me "Kevin why do ya bother keeping to try after the way she's treated you" that was her best friend quoting that)). Health wise am great. Prefect weight for my height (give or take a few pounds). Nice toned body am getting from excersize. Am thinking about taking up archery and shooting again. I was a deadly shot (maybe not a great idea with all this anger and resentment ... Just kidding). Basically trying to look after me.

My wife is getting a new job, selling the house and going back to the city to live rather than stay in the countryside and is divorcing me. That's her way of getting on.

Am looking to buy a nice flat in Glasgow and getting back seriously into composition also (I've had some music used on tv shows). Am gonna finish writing my opera also.

Being honest with myself. I am a good guy with so much going for me. Am talented, good looking, funny, interesting, defo not boring. Am gonna be alright once I weather this storm.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> If she's got money to support herself I suggest you file for divorce then. News the best chance for you to get out financially the best off, and she is determined to continue cheating. Stop wasting away precious days on your life on someone who doesn't value that gift.


Ya know call me paranoid but I've thought that her dad hated me that much her inheriting his money it's like she doesn't want me getting near it because her dad disliked me so much.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

Just so yous all know I really appreciate all the comments and support. Thanks folks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

I just wanna confirm everyone's opinion on this. Tell me if this is an affair. Ill just quote what my wife has told me. (Not that I believe it for one minute)

April she went to a hen night. Met this guy Dave. Nothing happened except he asked her for her number and she gave him it.
The next day she told him by text she was not single but seeing someone (never said married. But a few months after I found out she said this was the time she told him she was married)
She kept in touch with him at least by text (also she started to carry her phone around all the time)
The 5th of June she told me we were separating.
The 9th of June (my birthday) she got invited to a music festival by some old school friends (who she hardly kept in contact with but they decided to not invite other people they were probably closer with but my wife who they've hardly seen in years) and she says she randomly met up with the hen night guy purely by chance and it defo went physical then. (When i first asked her if that poor guy knows the truth about her being a married woman she said that was the day she told him "am seperated now but I was actually married).
And since then they've had more sex together but casual and there now since at least august officially a couple.

Now this is just the story my wife has told me.. I can work out myself the lies and the bits that are not totally true. Also I pulled her up about the birthday thing saying "Lorna do you really think its ok like you've said it is for you to pull that guy on my birthday just because 4 days earlier you said we were separating?" Her response was "Kevin it wasn't even your birthday it was the day after".

Opinions would be great.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

KS- just my .02, but you will be way the he!! better off without her in your life. You have the gift of renewal for yourself coming. A chance to rebuild a new life. 

You will be happy in the future- stay focused D does suck- but there is happiness on the other side... at least for me there has been and I believe you can make the best of it as well.

Good luck
WD


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

workindad said:


> KS- just my .02, but you will be way the he!! better off without her in your life. You have the gift of renewal for yourself coming. A chance to rebuild a new life.
> 
> You will be happy in the future- stay focused D does suck- but there is happiness on the other side... at least for me there has been and I believe you can make the best of it as well.
> 
> ...


Cheers WD. Glad to hear your doing well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Are you thinking that this doesn't somehow qualify as an affair?


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

KevinScotland said:


> My wife is getting a new job, selling the house and going back to the city to live rather than stay in the countryside and *is divorcing me.* That's her way of getting on.



She seems to be further along than you are in the process.


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

aug said:


> She seems to be further along than you are in the process.


Very much so. I was blindsided. She had weeks to plan ahead then she just hit me with the big D and she already had a head start.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> Are you thinking that this doesn't somehow qualify as an affair?


No I totally think this is an affair.

Am just quoting her own story because she doesn't think this is an affair. Just curious to see if from someone else's point of view she has a point.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Yeah it was very much an affair - the hen night is very telling however - she willingly accepted the chatting up from him and exchanged numbers. Sounds like she was out looking for your replacement.

It's a total affair -from the moment she accepted him chatting up it started. Then she kept it moving by giving the number. 

That's when it began. 

Each step of the way was just her getting deeper into the affair.

She was deeply engaged in an emotional affair that she put a lot of work into developing and put ZERO effort into stopping.

Frankly her cheating didn't just happen - she actively made it happen.

And if they were texting all along, there is no way I'd believe they just ran into each other at the music event, and you just didn't happen to be there. It was planned by her.

Sorry, but your wife is an out and out cheater - no gray area at all.


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Yeah it was very much an affair - the hen night is very telling however - she willingly accepted the chatting up from him and exchanged numbers. Sounds like she was out looking for your replacement.
> 
> It's a total affair -from the moment she accepted him chatting up it started. Then she kept it moving by giving the number.
> 
> ...


Yea, that's basically my thinking also. Also these are just the bits she's willing to disclose. From my experience more comes out the woodwork as time goes on (such as they are now defo a couple, found that out from her friend).

I just wanted to make sure I didn't have some archaic view of marriage and vows and maybe modern life this is all ok and am stuck in some old fashion idea of marriage.

Any idea of a life with her really is impossible now. How could I look at myself in the mirror everyday if I went back with her thinking I let her screw some other guy and I took her back. That's basically approving of what she's done.

And then would enter at some point in the future OM number 2 and once again I'd hear "I love you but am not in love with you" or "you made me do it. It's not my fault I didn't plan this"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

KevinScotland said:


> No I totally think this is an affair.
> 
> Am just quoting her own story because she doesn't think this is an affair. Just curious to see if from someone else's point of view she has a point.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The only way this couldn't be an affair is with some magical thinking, which seems to be an element often of people who engage in affairs.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I believe that a big part of coming to terms with a cheating spouse is undergoing a transformation in how you view and understand the person. You see a side of the person you didn't know was there & you question yourself relentlessly as a result.

In the end, though, it's a blessing to be able to see it, because you can move on & find someone who is more honest and trustworthy.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

KevinScotland said:


> Yea, that's basically my thinking also. Also these are just the bits she's willing to disclose. From my experience more comes out the woodwork as time goes on (such as they are now defo a couple, found that out from her friend).
> 
> I just wanted to make sure I didn't have some archaic view of marriage and vows and maybe modern life this is all ok and am stuck in some old fashion idea of marriage.
> 
> ...


Hi mate me from the earlier thread (also a muso!)

I think you're coming to the best conclusions about all this for YOU

Listen, you can assume from your short experience on this site that the trickle truth has given you only about 20% of it and although you'll eek out another 40 through small things coming to light and fitting bits of the jigsaw together, truth is, you'll never ever get the whole lot - ever

You end up having to accept that fact and not let it get in the way of getting on. This aspect is, from what I see on here, makes reconciliation almost impossible for so many - the callous and vindictive throwing of scraps that keep getting stuck in the throat of the the Betrayed Spouse and pull you back to square one and worse every time

I'm you 6 yrs later who gave her more chances/forgiveness and she became this alien from another world who seemed to get off on hurting people - yeah mental problems - but fk that. Destroying all and sundry around her with zero remorse or guilt 

Them getting forgiveness giving approval of their cheating as you say, is accurate. It is the green light to just fk you over without so much as a by your leave.

As for re writing history, I'm beginning to think I was married to JK Rowling !! so creative in her ability to fictionalize whole regions of time - yrs and yrs.

Just to digress a little. As a muso yourself you might appreciate this - for the last 7/8 yrs giving her the freedom to chase her dreams, dream job, to have her life as she has always told me she wants it, I've become a fulltime house husband clearing up her shvt and dealing with our two fantastic kids. I've also taught part time played managed bands in bands etc etc. But I'm a classically trained musician who used to write stuff for commercials and radio which I've almost completely left behind 
because you cant (as you know) knock that off in an hour or two. I feel as bitter as fk about that too now. I put down the one thing in my heart outside of people for her and her 'dreams' and feel so so stupid about it not to mention it would have earned three/four times the money as we both did!?!

Music is a friend to me and although I have had difficulty concentrating on it since May I am just getting the first stirrings returning.

I'll never ever put it down again not for any human being in any capacity 

That aside hope the opera goes well!


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

KevinScotland said:


> No I totally think this is an affair.
> 
> Am just quoting her own story because she doesn't think this is an affair. Just curious to see if from someone else's point of view she has a point.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Man it's remarkable how they will alter the definition of a scenario to suit their 'new history'. My wife has come up with justifications/reasons that are so bizarre and incredulous you'd think she was a comic scriptwriter

"That was 'nt an affair it was just a liaison" "just a flirtation" "just a kiss" "It's just an attachment, not an affair"

Even when shown an email from the wife of one of her married men that said "my husband admitted he had sex with your wife at your house on 17th Dec ...on your sofa "
She STILL says - It wasn't an affair" "I have not committed adultery" - utter madness.

She recently ranted through a page of a letter naming all the most recent men and going through the "flings" "only a kiss" "fell in love with" etc etc and announced at the end of it - "these had nothing to do with our breakup but your non attempt to provide us with a future by not getting a 40,000 a yr job did !! (often saying to me "what will we do in 15 yrs time" !?!?!?) 

I did answer "are you blind? you list the men in our marriage who should not have under any circumstances have been there -full stop" 

Like yours - naa no affair there then!


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

Hey folks,

In a bit of an angry mood today. Found out my wife's new man is basically living in our marital home and he's been at several weddings my wife and I were meant to attend together. All in all I feel pretty angry and stupid.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

KevinScotland said:


> Hey folks,
> 
> In a bit of an angry mood today. Found out my wife's new man is basically living in our marital home and he's been at several weddings my wife and I were meant to attend together. All in all I feel pretty angry and stupid.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


shvt mate 

She's taking no prisoners then.

Sadly KS I think maybe you're hanging on to something that may no longer be there. You may just have to let her loose on this one my friend


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

Yea. You'd think she hated me or something.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Well, you should have never moved out. 

That's your fault friend. You did everything she wanted you to do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Well, you should have never moved out.
> 
> That's your fault friend. You did everything she wanted you to do.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yea hindsight is a wonderful thing.

Ill remember that for my next divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## UserAwaitingDeletion (Jan 15, 2012)

That's rubbing salt in it.
No wonder you are angry!
Just stay straight. Let it pass.
There's not much you can do about it.
Not nice, though!


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

UserAwaitingDeletion said:


> That's rubbing salt in it.
> No wonder you are angry!
> Just stay straight. Let it pass.
> There's not much you can do about it.
> Not nice, though!


Yup but she thinks its all fine since we're not together anymore.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

If you own the house jointly, tell her to get rid of the OM or you're moving back in. 

If she owns it, move on.

She really, really isn't the woman you loved.


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> If you own the house jointly, tell her to get rid of the OM or you're moving back in.
> 
> If she owns it, move on.
> 
> She really, really isn't the woman you loved.


I can see where your coming from. We do own the house jointly. But in all honesty I think moving on is the best option.

I told her today on the phone "you've had choice after choice and always made the wrong one". She responded with "no Kevin I've made the right one now I've got rid of you". What a complete cow.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Horrible woman. So sorry.


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> Horrible woman. So sorry.


In her defence (can't believe I said that). She was annoyed because I found out or should I say caught. It's ripping me apart all this.

Do you's want a laugh? The reason I know this today is because she's away to London on business and am looking after the dogs over night. Of course he's not here but some of his stuff is and they were so nice to leave stained bed sheets for me.

I need to find on my body the "doormat" tattoo. I know it's somewhere.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I think it tells more about her than you..

And what kind of loser moves into the martial home of a divorcing woman ? She sure found a good one to replace you....


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

You're not a doormat. You're like a lot of us guys who fell for it.

We fell for the massive global movement of BS, that says men should be "nice". That we should be soft, emotional, wilting, relenting pushovers, and that any sense of masculinity should be immediately washed away with the rest of the dirt.

No Kevin. You are not a pushover. You were deceived. Many of us were. But the silver lining in this catastrophe is...you will NEVER be deceived again. Live life for you. Not for her.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

KevinScotland said:


> In her defence (can't believe I said that). She was annoyed because I found out or should I say caught. It's ripping me apart all this.
> 
> Do you's want a laugh? The reason I know this today is because she's away to London on business and am looking after the dogs over night. Of course he's not here but some of his stuff is and they were so nice to leave stained bed sheets for me.
> 
> ...


Are you still in the house ? I have a few ideas for some spiteful harmeless fun... <---- Immature side of me


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Are you still in the house ? I have a few ideas for some spiteful harmeless fun... <---- Immature side of me


Am not still staying in the house but I still have my keys.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

sinnister said:


> You're not a doormat. You're like a lot of us guys who fell for it.
> 
> We fell for the massive global movement of BS, that says men should be "nice". That we should be soft, emotional, wilting, relenting pushovers, and that any sense of masculinity should be immediately washed away with the rest of the dirt.
> 
> No Kevin. You are not a pushover. You were deceived. Many of us were. But the silver lining in this catastrophe is...you will NEVER be deceived again. Live life for you. Not for her.


Yea I know am not a pushover but too soft or understanding maybe. For her she's flicked a switch (or her new man has flicked something) and is able to act this way. My switch is still on as far as how I try and treat her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Don't engage with her. These arguments will get you no where. 

When you fight with a pig you both get dirty - and the pig enjoys it..


Keep your distance and detach.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

"no Kevin I've made the right one now I've got rid of you"

Thank her for making a good one for you as well.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Go dark on her Kevin. Black as midnight. No calling, texting....nothing.

Do it for you.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Oh, and send the OM a bill for your share of the rent. 

Really.


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

I've have been staying away for the last few weeks and it has helped me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Are you still paying for your part of the house note? 

If so, STOP.


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Oh, and send the OM a bill for your share of the rent.
> 
> Really.


I wish I could get intouch with the OM. But she's been very "dark" about him. I know the basics that's all. First name, his job title but not place of work and he went to school in Aberdeen. Anyone who knows both me and my wife would never tell me more or even let me in on what's going on. They wanna stay out of it all. I wish I could meet him. I know for sure he's not got the full picture of what's been going on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Are you still paying for your part of the house note?
> 
> If so, STOP.


No she pays all bills and mortgage payments but am still on the mortgage because it works out better for both us for my name to be there. On the plus side tho she needs my signature to sell it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Then he owes you rent if he's going to live there....and it should be half the mortgage payment.

Doesn't matter if she's paying the note... the value of the property is half yours...you are due money.

Go see a solicitor and see what you can do. At the very least you could go to a small-claims court and file a claim against him.


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Then he owes you rent if he's going to live there....and it should be half the mortgage payment.
> 
> Doesn't matter if she's paying the note... the value of the property is half yours...you are due money.
> 
> Go see a solicitor and see what you can do. At the very least you could go to a small-claims court and file a claim against him.


I'd rather just thump him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

KevinScotland said:


> Am looking to buy a nice flat in Glasgow and getting back seriously into composition also (I've had some music used on tv shows). Am gonna finish writing my opera also.
> 
> Being honest with myself. I am a good guy with so much going for me. Am talented, good looking, funny, interesting, defo not boring. Am gonna be alright once I weather this storm.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You said this earlier in the thread. I hope you're still feeling it and following through.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

KevinScotland said:


> I'd rather just thump him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It won't make you feel any better, and the ex will use it against you in the divorce, and use it to trash you socially. 

Play smart....something you haven't done up to this point.


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> You said this earlier in the thread. I hope you're still feeling it and following through.


Yea, just a bad day so far. I have good ones too tho.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Listen mate this is raw - you can't just stop the train that is love - it always keeps going on until the fuel runs out. It'll last a few stops more before you start to see things in a much clearer befuddled way. you're also in the 'fog' (you've heard that mentioned before) well imo the BS has a fog (love) that also needs to lift to enable them to see exactly what type of person they have been dealing with for years on end and it's often quite shocking when that reality sets in. 

Just reading back to your initial post and you have no kids with this woman - this is in fact a blessing from above.

When you break at least it will be clean you won't have to deal with her ever again and after what she's shown you why would you 

It's hard being in love and it having been good and then they just rip it to pieces. It really is and you don't deserve it but what you do deserve is somebody who will invest love, trust and honesty in a relationship with you.

After this you'll value those other two qualities even more

Get into your music and look after yourself - she's not the person you ever thought she was and is not worth it anymore.


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

Yea I know all this deep down but need reminders every now and again
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Have you looked hard. go to the thread in my signature. You want to get as much evidence and possible. And the friend that aren't helping you out "ef them." That's not true friendship. A friend would step in and call her on her BS. I think you need to get this guys info and expose everything you can find. Get in her FB, gmail, I think out there foursquare is popular right. You need information and I would love to help you find some. Plus it will be a good way to channel the hurt and the pain. Plus when she can't BS her way out of the confrontation it will shake her world up. 
Right now you need to go dark and gather evidence. The big questions 
How long has it been going on?
How many lines has she crossed?

It sounds like she has a good line of communication. If you can access the phone records online with the phone company. That will give his phone number. 10 bucks should give you his address. Then you can find out if he has a wife/ GF and tell her all about what is going on. If he is single you can find his parents and expose to them.


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## UserAwaitingDeletion (Jan 15, 2012)

badbane said:


> phone records online with the phone company. That will give his phone number. 10 bucks should give you his address.


Read the thread. It is an exit affair with a single guy.
It is their business. No-one wants to take sides by the look of it so exposure doesn't appear to travel well.

Scottish divorces don't need muck raking - just time apart.
( check for yourself in case I am talking shyte here! )

see Ending a Marriage

Adultery - non contested:


> If you both agree to the divorce, the court will usually only need statements and details of the adulterous sexual relationship. If one of you doesn't agree to the divorce, proof will be necessary and this may be difficult and expensive to get.



General:



> The irretrievable breakdown of the marriage can be proved in one of the following ways:-
> 
> * your partner has behaved unreasonably
> * adultery
> ...



Reverse telephone lookups are illeagal with serious consequences. In the circumstances - never mind more acrimonious ones - you can see why.

Nice of you to look after the dogs. It is not their fault.


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## UserAwaitingDeletion (Jan 15, 2012)

In other words time is on your side if you stand back and sort your head until the fog lifts.


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

UserAwaitingDeletion said:


> In other words time is on your side if you stand back and sort your head until the fog lifts.


I don't see how time is on my side. How do ya think that?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## UserAwaitingDeletion (Jan 15, 2012)

KevinScotland said:


> I don't see how time is on my side. How do ya think that?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Nah. Forget that. Get advice right away then. I just thought it sounded good at the time!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

UserAwaitingDeletion said:


> Nah. Forget that. Get advice right away then. I just thought it sounded good at the time!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You said it was an exit affair. She never told me about the affair I had to find out while doing investagating. So if I was never meant to find out how does that make it an exit affair?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

An exit affair is when you are no longer an option...not even plan B, she strung you along out of convience and most likely you found out before she could get her ducks in a row.

However.......she may be in the fog and sits on the fence, waiting for her husband or OM to do the things that fits her agenda. If this is the case then both of you guys are her plan B

Now I'll go get caught up with your thread and see whats really going on.


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

the guy said:


> An exit affair is when you are no longer an option...not even plan B, she strung you along out of convience and most likely you found out before she could get her ducks in a row.
> 
> However.......she may be in the fog and sits on the fence, waiting for her husband or OM to do the things that fits her agenda. If this is the case then both of you guys are her plan B
> 
> Now I'll go get caught up with your thread and see whats really going on.


Ok, thanks for your time. Don't hold back. 2x4ing welcome.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

KevinScotland said:


> Ok, thanks for your time. Don't hold back. 2x4ing welcome.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hell I thought I was just answering a question, didn't mean it to be a 2x4 but since were going down that road........

From what I breezed thru your thread I found no remorse from your old lady, I may be wrong but it seems she is rupping it in your face. Correct me if I'm wrong.

IDK, maybe a recap is in order since the 1st post didn't link to the rest or your sitch.....


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

the guy said:


> Hell I thought I was just answering a question, didn't mean it to be a 2x4 but since were going down that road........
> 
> From what I breezed thru your thread I found no remorse from your old lady, I may be wrong but it seems she is rupping it in your face. Correct me if I'm wrong.
> 
> IDK, maybe a recap is in order since the 1st post didn't link to the rest or your sitch.....


I think there is enough on this threat to make any conclusion.

I cant find remorse in her. Been really trying to though. Trying to give her some credit for a soul on conscience.

There has been a few tearful moments by her but mostly after she's been caught. I read into that as some kind of sorry or remorseful action but thinking about it now all she would do is cry and admit the basics I'd already found out. No elaboration on the facts even when I asked her to just give me it between the eyes in one big hit and get it over and done with but no, lies, BS and the truth trickling out over time as she gets careless. HEARTBREAKING.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## frank29 (Aug 22, 2012)

Hi Kevin I think everybody on Tam has traveled on the road you are now on and we all share your pain so listen to what is being said if she has done it once she will possibly do it again but there are exceptions and you can read them here if i were you and i was you once cut all ties make sure you get a chunk from the sale of the house let me tell you there are plenty of brilliant women out there who are looking for a guy like you the way i see it she might well wind up a total drunk and that is far worse than a break up a break is end of it a drunk is for life so grab your life with both hands and go live it and find your self a women who wants all the things you would like and just show her what she has lost don't look back you don't need or want all this crap so draw a line


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

KevinScotland said:


> I think there is enough on this threat to make any conclusion.
> 
> I cant find remorse in her. Been really trying to though. Trying to give her some credit for a soul on conscience.
> 
> ...


Its hard man

Thing is you look back and think 'I reckon I gave this my all no ones perfect but you had 
my soul as well as the more tangible things. It was good I remember it that way' 

However did you ever really hurt her give her any cause to do this one thing that actually destroys you inside? No you did'nt 

Are there any real reasons for her to not show some basic unconditional remorse for her actions? No there aren't

Would you have a lot more respect for her if she simply said "Look this isn't working, isn't for me and we have to finish" rather than fk you over with mind games and infidelity ? Yes you would 

So what did ishe actually CHOOSE to do 

She chose to show you herself _in her true colors_ ones that because you love her have been blinded to. This is the real person you have been living with and adored and gave your heart to and the truth, and it hurts, is that for a long time you've not only been deceived in the obvious way lying cheating skulking around behind your back for the OM but more importantly you're about to realize your whole relationship is based on a lie about how you were the one for her, you made her happy - deep down she was not and if you were she could never have treated you in this way 

Look at her now still trying to hurt you knowing every comment is thrown with the barb on it 

Sadly I think you'll conclude this was a different person than you thought 

........but it does take a bit of time and realization to get there. 

You're not alone mate, there is some comfort in that


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## UserAwaitingDeletion (Jan 15, 2012)

the guy said:


> IDK, maybe a recap is in order since the 1st post didn't link to the rest or your sitch.....


See third post - that seems to be the gist of the backstory
also the original discussion here

Where does the snowball start?
Feb11 - Get big new house to start own family
Mar11 - - child custody settled
July11 - - FIL dies suddenly after hillwalking fall
she wants family but he/you don't right away in circumstances
grief and marital problems
Nov11 - 'having probs' = 'he wants divorce' panic
getting on with it through winter
14 Apr12 - hen hight and meeting new man
17 Apr - the list and the rest


> Yous all seem pretty wise so I'd like to hear your thoughts.


It is probably obvious by now that whoever else is I am not however good intentioned I might be.

My only suggestion is to go forward without her even if you still love her and she is not there now. See 'Alte Dame' post above quoting you. Have you seen the '180' references on this site and elsewhere? Nothing to do with darts! - It describes a volte face like a one hundred and eighty degrees shift in attitude and direction demonstrated by specific behaviours in order to disengage from a relationship and help yourself to become single again in a healthy way when it is the result of the others choice. It may have some bearing here.

There is nothing else I can say on this thread. I will put the 180 below.



> 180 is a list of behaviors from Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, that will help your spouse to see you moving forward as a healthy person.


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## UserAwaitingDeletion (Jan 15, 2012)

'180'



> So here's the list:
> 
> Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
> 
> ...



I don't know how relevant that is here but there it is if you want to look at it. There seems to be a consensus to here to leave her to it. Good luck and I hope it is a fantastic opera. Remember Alisdair Gray never finished and published Lanark until in his 40s and that's just a book!


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

OK, thats enough hand holding, and poor lil me.

I read the other section, and everyone seem to be missing one BIG point.

She NEVER ever really accepted your kids.
Sure they came with the package, so she simply ignored them as much as possible.
And, as much as you want to gloss over it. She was drinking pretty heavy back then. Re; she screamed at your daughter.
Dude she was self medicating.
If this woman LOVED you like you thought, she would have been bonding with your kids. AND thats something she never even tried.

So you my friend, can stop wasting your emotions on this cheater.

Her fathers death just pushed her out the door
Did she love you ?? I would say as much as she could being daddy's lil princess, as mad at him for not accepting her wanting you. 

Now throw in the guilt for not making it up to dad, and you have what you now have.

Kev, what you need to be doing is being a TRUE ass. Thump him... only if you can get away with it.
And Bandit, it WILL make you feel better. But then I do ski masks.

AND not saying do it. But his s**t woud be burned by the time she came back. Or all cut up and thrown on those scummy sheets. Thats how much RESPECT she has for you. Making sure the bed was a telling field. NOW, you can go on and mke another excuse for her,,,, oh yeah the fog. Was that trip so last minute she couldn't make up the bed ???
So yeah since she choose you, over pops objections, would'nd you think she would be all in ?? Hell, even she may not have realized what was going on her in her head.
But we do know what conclusion she came to.
You have enabled her long enough.
Its time for you to look into getting paid for being used all these years. AND SAVE IT, yeah used !!! You was the weapon in her power struggle with pops.
I was going to say you situ was like SkaterDad, but his ww can't do any wrong in dads eye.
Her last words is how she really feel. So stop letting this woman control your emotions. She NEVER was worth it.

Your only focus nw should be to come out of this with 60 to 75% of you guys assets. I don't know inhert. laws there, but you may be entitled to some of what pops left her.

But if you want to just get on with your life faster, have her use that money to pay you your share of the house, since she wants you gone so bad.
I don't think she will, but its worth a shot.

OH, lose the false friends. FRIENDS get involved !!! Or just show up one night and have a lil talk with him and her in YOUR house.

Or just go on wasting your life on this person that had done this to you.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

OldWolf57 said:


> And Bandit, it WILL make you feel better. But then I do ski masks.


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

OldWolf57 said:


> OK, thats enough hand holding, and poor lil me.
> 
> I read the other section, and everyone seem to be missing one BIG point.
> 
> ...


The first read through this I laughed. The second read through this it was a little more hitting it home. Yea she's nothin more than a complete bit&h and a complete spoilt brat.

Can tell ya Scottish law no inheritance or gifts are part of the marital pot. Scottish law try's for 50/50 of all debts and assets unless there are kids and the primary carer of the kids can get a 60/40. As far as I can tell that's the law.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## UserAwaitingDeletion (Jan 15, 2012)

Somewhere earlier it is clear that no-one knows what she told the new guy so thumping him is not justified. Nothing like that should be in print!


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

As much as it angers me I know violence solves nothing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Maybe you can guilt her into taking the smaller division.

As for what I put in print, unless the Mods have a problem with it, poster opinion DON't mean S**T to me.

I live in the REAL WORLD, and THANK GOD everyday for it.

Go read the guys thread how he is damn near having a heart attack for exposing. Worried about pos coming after him somehow.
pos would be well advised to change location in my case.

Do I advise violence ?? NO !!!!

I know not everyone had my upbringing. But never will I tell someone to not stand up for themselves.

Dude, she's gone. You need NC, and staying dark. All communication should be thru your law dog.
Let her put the sooners in a kennel.
She didn't babysit for you, why would you watch the s**teaters for her.


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

Her latest quote today was "there was no affair". Hmmmmmm.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Kevin,

Take all his things that he left there and dump them in the trash - or burn them. 

The dirty sheets, I think I'd do the same to them.

Since you are a co-owner of the house see if your lawyer can ban him from being there - you're an owner and you have a right to control who enters your property. He isn't an approved tenant, kick his tail out of there.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

KevinScotland said:


> Her latest quote today was "there was no affair". Hmmmmmm.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You're still married - any man she's been with even now is an affair.


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

This was her text tonight to me when I explained my dissatisfaction at him staying over some evenings in our house and also his intrusion into our marriage. Just remember the weekend she first met him am getting told I love yous and right throughout April and may.

Quote.
I can't keep having the same conversation with you - every time I do something you don't like, we seem to have to go right back to the start. There was no affair. Nothing intruded on our marriage. Our marriage didn't work. All this has caused both of us pain. Going over the same conversation again and again doesn't help though.

I think she honestly believes this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

yep Ive had that too....

fking insane Ive got a letter from OM wife saying he admitted he and stbxw had sex on our sofa 

she says it never happened!!!


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

Headspin said:


> yep Ive had that too....
> 
> fking insane Ive got a letter from OM wife saying he admitted he and stbxw had sex on our sofa
> 
> she says it never happened!!!


 Yea I remember you mentioning that in one of your posts. Do ya think they actually believe it though? At any point is there remorse?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

It seem you care more for her than your kids.
YOU said she never had much to do with them.
Who has primary custody?
If they live with you more then 1st ex, you would think you would want a woman that looked at them as her own.

Did you ask her why she was still saying I love yous thru April and May, until she met him ???

You would think having gone thru this, and the way she treats your kids, you should be able to walk away.


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

OldWolf57 said:


> It seem you care more for her than your kids.
> YOU said she never had much to do with them.
> Who has primary custody?
> If they live with you more then 1st ex, you would think you would want a woman that looked at them as her own.
> ...


It's not that I care about her. It's more shock and astonishment at this person and the way she acts towards me who was only 4 months ago my wife who was telling me she loved me and wanted me and was in a sexual relationship with me. It's more disbelief.

No point in asking her about April/may. Am sure it would only be bull**** I get hit with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Thats why YOU STOP talking to her in any way.
KS, we see this all the time and LOTS worst.
Who has your kids ???


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

KevinScotland said:


> It's not that I care about her. It's more shock and astonishment at this person and the way she acts towards me who was only 4 months ago my wife who was telling me she loved me and wanted me and was in a sexual relationship with me. It's more disbelief.
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Selfish people can easily switch their humanity towards other people off when they are no longer useful to them.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

KevinScotland said:


> This was her text tonight to me when I explained my dissatisfaction at him staying over some evenings in our house and also his intrusion into our marriage. Just remember the weekend she first met him am getting told I love yous and right throughout April and may.
> 
> Quote.
> I can't keep having the same conversation with you - every time I do something you don't like, we seem to have to go right back to the start. There was no affair. Nothing intruded on our marriage. Our marriage didn't work. All this has caused both of us pain. Going over the same conversation again and again doesn't help though.
> ...


Talk about rationalizing jeez!


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

OldWolf57 said:


> Thats why YOU STOP talking to her in any way.
> KS, we see this all the time and LOTS worst.
> Who has your kids ???


My kids stay with there mum. I used to have them stay over at mine once/twice a week normally or more during the holidays. At the moment since I don't really have a house I've been staying over at there mums while she goes out and stays at her new mans house. Remember the kids are not the kids from my marriage but from my 1st long term relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

KevinScotland said:


> My kids stay with there mum. I used to have them stay over at mine once/twice a week normally or more during the holidays. At the moment since I don't really have a house I've been staying over at there mums while she goes out and stays at her new mans house. Remember the kids are not the kids from my marriage but from my 1st long term relationship.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks I forgot by the way on a lighter note Today Karl Stefanovic loses it over breast and long pokey comment - YouTube


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Another one for the night 'You got a big one!' - YouTube


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

Funniest thing I've seen in a long time.

YouTube - German Man Tries To Jump Into Frozen Pool
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

KevinScotland said:


> Funniest thing I've seen in a long time.
> 
> YouTube - German Man Tries To Jump Into Frozen Pool
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sometimes ya just gotta laugh!


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

here from your side of the pond Danny Dumps: Angie. Cheating girl dumped live on radio - YouTube


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

KevinScotland said:


> Yea I remember you mentioning that in one of your posts. Do ya think they actually believe it though? At any point is there remorse?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


remorse? not 'real' not in the slightest from mine anyway 

"you made me get a part time job for 6 hrs a week for 8 wks 15 yrs ago - I've resented that and it's why I 'attach' at other men" :scratchhead:

There's not ever been for one second this truth

'I'm just so so sorry, I admit I was a bad ass lying and deceiving and just selfishly chased something I wanted at the expense of a good "often fantastic" marriage and I admit I destroyed you and kids (and other marriages too)' 

That honesty has not for a glimmer appeared anywhere on her radar. That's why my hatred anger and bitterness to her has no boundaries. Her lack of responsibly, of owning her failures is simply staggering


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

OldWolf57 said:


> It seem you care more for her than your kids.
> YOU said she never had much to do with them.
> Who has primary custody?
> If they live with you more then 1st ex, you would think you would want a woman that looked at them as her own.
> ...


Just to clarify.

She met him April the 15th. After that date we still have a physical relationship together. I was being told she loved me and a week after she first met this guy the first mention of problems in our marriage appeared from her mouth and she asked if I wanted to fix things. I think when I told her "yes of course I want to fix whatever's wrong (stupid me thinking right we can now sort out her dad issues) she got the fright of her life and put on the back foot as she thought I'd say no I don't wanna fix things. After that day things went complex and she planned and planned fights and ways to get out. That's my opinion anyway. Not 1 single bit of effort was put in by her to communicate about whatever was wrong with her.

I hate her for this. No effort, lies, lies, BS, manipulation, blame shifting, rewriting history, the cash pay off she hit me with. The whole thing was disgusting.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

KevinScotland said:


> I hate her for this. No effort, lies, lies, BS, manipulation, blame shifting, rewriting history, the cash pay off she hit me with. The whole thing was disgusting.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The history re-writing is a truly remarkable aspect.

I now know my stbxw should have been an author. I've seen a gift I never thought she had over the last 6 months in terms of fabrication denial invention creativity.

It's about the biggest things that has made me realize just a complete cvnt I have been in love with for so long 

...and boy do I feel stupid and annoyed at myself 

To think I've given so so much of my heart soul and time to this despicable 'bishop' type creature is just sickening


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

Headspin said:


> The history re-writing is a truly remarkable aspect.
> 
> I now know my stbxw should have been an author. I've seen a gift I never thought she had over the last 6 months in terms of fabrication denial invention creativity.
> 
> ...


Yea, and if your like me it's not a happy ending or getting back together your looking for its just a bit of honesty and respect.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

KevinScotland said:


> Yea, and if your like me it's not a happy ending or getting back together your looking for its just a bit of honesty and respect.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well yeah - mine still hasn't figured out why I cant even breathe the same airspace as her thinks I should now have "moved on " 

Simple, even a bit of decency honesty even now would help me have some respect for her but it's not going to happen 

....so fk her


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

Headspin said:


> Well yeah - mine still hasn't figured out why I cant even breathe the same airspace as her thinks I should now have "moved on "
> 
> Simple, even a bit of decency honesty even now would help me have some respect for her but it's not going to happen
> 
> ....so fk her


Yea, its like my wife wants me to move on so she says (I've not told her yet I've met someone). They want you to be nice to them, understand there pain, be happy for them and just accept there behaviour. Now honestly I think I could just accept it but as soon as I start to trust her again that ok here's where we are and it's time to make the best of it. My wife immediately goes and acts an ass parading her new man around my house, screwing in my bed and playing with our dogs and sitting eating omelettes cook on our wedding gifts and eating off our engagement plates. Maybe it's just me and am being silly and placing value on objects but to me it's an insult.

Maybe am wrong and its ok.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Wife busted on radio by husband over love affair with the boss - YouTube


Oh..My god!!


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Headspin said:


> Well yeah - mine still hasn't figured out why I cant even breathe the same airspace as her thinks I should now have "moved on "
> 
> Simple, even a bit of decency honesty even now would help me have some respect for her but it's not going to happen
> 
> ....so fk her


Don't you love when people behave really badly, never apologize or try to make amends and then want everyone to just sing 'kumbayah'?

They've moved past it. Why can't you? Are you small-minded? Holding a meaningless grudge? Why can't you be a bigger person?


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

KS, when are you going to stand up for yourself ?? 

Go kick her out of your house, or just move back in !!!

Damn man, you don't even have a roof over your head hard as you worked to get that house.
OH HELL NO !!!

You have her move into mher dads place, aqnd you get your house back.

Screw honesty and all that crap, you're suppose to be fighting for what is yours, not worrying about feelings.

Hell, I have more respect for your 1st ex than this, this, this you married to now.

She knew you had no whre to go, so she should have moved out.
But nooooooooooo, she had to have somewhere to bring her om.

Damn, who has the estrogen, and who has testostarone in this world now adays ???

KS, look, you need to start thinking practically here.
Are you working ???

Damn, I'm so ANGRY for you man !!!

I don't know how you was able to do it, but thank your 1st ex for me plz. She stepped up man.

I'm leaving to cool down for a bit, you REALLy got me pissed at you dude. FEELING, when you been kicked out and taken for everything .


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Will someone please hit KS with the 2x4.

I might get banned again if I do.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

KS - I get that you're not ok with the POSOM enjoying your house, your bed, your wife, etc.

So what you gonna do about it? In addition to D, you do have a right to give him the boot.


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

OldWolf57 said:


> KS, when are you going to stand up for yourself ??
> 
> Go kick her out of your house, or just move back in !!!
> 
> ...


I know I know...... It's time to put all respect and anything I have for her away and look after number 1.

I don't want nothing to do with that house. She can keep it (she's not gonna sell it quick). Once I get my own place and my feet on the ground am sure ill feel better.

Ill pass on the my 1st ex your approval. She'd enjoy that. You asked how did I do that. Ill tell ya why me and my ex have such a good relationship. When me and my ex split up I was honest with her about it. Didn't mess her around. And we parted with no animosity or anyone of us pi$$ing the other off with throwing new partners in eachothets faces. Me and the kids mom gets on great. She's even said to me "Kevin the one thing ill say about you is you were always honest and upfront with me". Also she's told me she went through a lot of guys to find someone as good as me in bed. She's still not found one so my ex wife is gonna get a shock when she realises what she's messed up. That's my ex's opinion not mine.

Oh yea, I am working.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

KS, has she gotten that 200K yet ??
If so, you could get on your feet quicker if she just pay you your share of the value out of that.

The way it going now, she has no incentive to sell. She has it, money, and a bed partner.
So she don't give a damn if you sleep under the overpasses.


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

OldWolf57 said:


> KS, has she gotten that 200K yet ??
> If so, you could get on your feet quicker if she just pay you your share of the value out of that.
> 
> The way it going now, she has no incentive to sell. She has it, money, and a bed partner.
> So she don't give a damn if you sleep under the overpasses.


Am guessing enough time has passed for her to get her cash.

She really wants to sell this house and relocate closer to her new job.

I've had money from her already for my share of the house but my name is still on the mortgage. That money I was given doesn't have a note on it saying what it's for. The next money I need to sort out is furniture, pension and whatever other asset there is.

Am playin a slow game as far as money. I have a place rented just now but I wanna buy my own place again and her settled.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Ok, I see now you are in much better shape than we feared.
You are paying attention to the money end of a D.
Many are so trapped in the hurt they get taken

Tell me, have you just look in her eyes and told her what a slimey piece of crap she is ???

Forget respect for her, tell her you deserve better than a lying sack.

You would be amazed how much better you will feel. 

OH, how did you comw up with the value of the house ??


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

OldWolf57 said:


> Ok, I see now you are in much better shape than we feared.
> You are paying attention to the money end of a D.
> Many are so trapped in the hurt they get taken
> 
> ...


House money was worked out as price paid - mortgage left = equity 50%.

I've told her quiet a few times what I think about her infidelity but she denys it and I just get more pissed off.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

No no no, it's not about what she thinks, its about YOU letting her KNOW that from now on, her name is lying cheating scum.
She just trying to protect her lil image to herself. So let her know when asked by friends, she is an unfaithful cheating S**T.

I just want you to let loose on her ass and then walk away.

Thats your closure, cause she is NEVER going to admit she's a skank.

In fact, you need to stop talking relationship with her. It just piss you off, and make her think you are still the backup if she wants you.

In other words,,,,,,,,,, It makes you look weak.

Next time you have to talk biz with her, don't bring up you 2 at all.
Be about nothing but the things needed to get this ,,,, out of your life.


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

Yea that's basically my plan now so I don't wanna let loose on her yet so I can negotiate the money am entitled too then once that biz is done drop her and let tell what I think.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

Am getting pretty tired of this feeling.

I fancy a holiday from my mental torment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

Strange things are happening in my situation.

I had to see my wife about money and the dogs. I went in, I've been working out and eating well and looking pretty good if I say so myself. Anyway, she mentioned how good looking the clothes I had on were. I could tell she was finding me hot. Now since then she's asked for me not to come to the house anymore and we can talk by phone. My thinking is she's looking at me and getting attraction feelings so she wants to stop than happening. If only she'd done the same concerning the OM and not let it escalate into the affair she's in.

F*ck her I say.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

KevinScotland said:


> Now since then she's asked for me not to come to the house anymore and we can talk by phone. My thinking is she's looking at me and getting attraction feelings so she wants to stop than happening. If only she'd done the same concerning the OM and not let it escalate into the affair she's in.


Oh, that sucks. I'm sorry that your wife learned about boundaries at the wrong time. Still, it must have felt kinda nice to know that you've got an effect on her. 

It's great that you're working on yourself, though. It will help you get past the negative feelings, I think.


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

moxy said:


> Oh, that sucks. I'm sorry that your wife learned about boundaries at the wrong time. Still, it must have felt kinda nice to know that you've got an effect on her.
> 
> It's great that you're working on yourself, though. It will help you get past the negative feelings, I think.


Yea much the same as my thinking. Kinda insulting in a way but mr new does have a freshness that she wants to respect. Not like the commitment she made with me through marriage but it just confirms how shallow and pathetic and selfish she is.

Am doing alright. Almost got myself my new house. That's my main focus at the moment. Get my own place that's new where I can build from. I know deep inside now I can ever forget what she's done so why waste anymore time trying to save something that won't work. Too much water under the bridge now.

It's sad because I know how good a husband I was at times (am not arrogant enough to claim always) I know she will realise it one day but I've tried, I mean really tried. No one can take away from me my efforts to save my marriage. Even though I've shouted at her because of all this, said something's that am not proud of. I know she can't honestly deep down inside say I didn't give my all and stuck to my vows to never give in. Am proud of that.

So everyone who reads this I want fingers and toes and anything else crossed and give me good vibes about getting my new house.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

Found an interesting article about antidepressants and divorce. Really hit home a lot of my situation. Posted it incase someone wanted to read it. Speaks volumes to me.

Dr. Melissa Clouthier: Antidepressants: Blunt Romance & Other Good Emotions
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

Hi folks,

Got a message from someone today askin how I was gettin on with my divorce.

Ok here's the update. Am a lot better. Let go of alot of my anger and am just accepting things as they are. I don't have to approve but I don't have to let it bother me.

My buying a house situation is in the waiting process for a mortgage to be approved but its looking ok so far but not for certain. Money between my stbxw and I are almost sorted.

What can I really say. I've came to terms with it. My wife's stupid, selfish and is going to realise one day she's an ass. Am looking after me now and not letting what my wife's doing effect my happiness.

She has also dumped our dog lazlo back to the breeder as she can't look after him anymore. I seen that coming. The dog was one more thing in the way of my stbxw life now so like me the dog is dispensable. Just another example of her stuff it attitude it's all about me. Just so yous know I have the other dog we had. She's with me.

Dunno how it happened my better attitude towards all of this. Just one day noticed it wasn't the obsession of my life anymore. Still have some bad days but its getting better.

Kevin.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Glad to hear that things are looking up for you! 

Will keep fingers crossed on your house deal to go through.


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

Hey folks,

Today is my stbxw birthday and am pretty resentful today. Guess that's normal but just wondering what's others experience with this.

Kevin
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

KevinScotland said:


> Hey folks,
> 
> Today is my stbxw birthday and am pretty resentful today. Guess that's normal but just wondering what's others experience with this.
> 
> ...


Who's b-day is it again? NM, nobody important at all.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Who, you say???? 

Oh you mean that dead weight.
Didn't know it had one.

Get the point ?????

NO WELL WISHES !!!!!!


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

OldWolf57 said:


> Who, you say????
> 
> Oh you mean that dead weight.
> Didn't know it had one.
> ...


Oh god no. No well wishes trust me on that. Lets remember my birthday this year she spent it with her new man after only 3 days of telling me we should seperate so no well wishes. Just feeling resentment. The next big big one is the 3rd of jan our wedding anniversary. Just getting towards this time I knew would be on my mind.

 cheers folks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cdelta02 (Sep 20, 2012)

Celebrate by burning some of your pictures of her. Or something similar. It should be cathartic.

OR.

Go out with friends and treat yourself to a nice movie. Look ahead to the future, not behind.

Choose what makes you happy!


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

Hey folks,

Ok it was my wedding anniversary yesterday and I was ok. Well ok until I had a look of Facebook and noticed one of our friends had posted loads of pictures of a night out and my stbxw was in the pictures and it just looked like she wasn't bothered about anything and was out having a good time. So now today am feeling anger again and pretty uncomfortable inside myself. Expected I guess but I thought I'd share it on here.

Kevin.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Was it just seeing her being carefree while you are burdened by the pain her actions have caused that got to you?

Anniversaries tend to bring up dormant emotions, I think. Anniversaries of big things between me and stbxh have made me emotional and vulnerable. So, I'm guessing its par for the course to be sort of unsettled by the day, even if its not on the surface.

In many ways, you seem to have accepted things and moved past the split pretty swiftly. I wonder if some if the lagging feelings are catching up to you.

How are things going with your house? Have you been keeping busy? Has your divorce gone through or are you still stuck in limbo?


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

moxy said:


> Was it just seeing her being carefree while you are burdened by the pain her actions have caused that got to you?
> 
> Anniversaries tend to bring up dormant emotions, I think. Anniversaries of big things between me and stbxh have made me emotional and vulnerable. So, I'm guessing its par for the course to be sort of unsettled by the day, even if its not on the surface.
> 
> ...


Hi moxy,

I really didn't expect some sort of acknowledgement yesterday from her about it being our anniversary but on the other hand maybe I'd hoped she would have at least recognised it. Am sure she did but kept it silent. Then the photo of her hugging her girlfriend looking at smug and pleased at herself kinda got to me. Maybe resentment at the idea she's all happy. I really dunno how she could be though.

I've accepted there's nothing more I could do to change her mind but it still gets to me how I've been rejected and thrown away. Am still in the limbo of seperation. The divorce isn't final yet but only because Scottish law says we have to be seperated for a year before divorce can be requested.

I have a real hate for her. I think what annoys me also is the grief I had got from her and some of her friends because I raised my voice and had a few shouting matches with her as I was learning and finding out more and more about her and the OM and her lies ontop of more lies. I mean of course I was gonna shout. But they think I should have been gracious about it and just moved on. The whole thing gets to me still some days. It cuts right down deep into me. I put a brave face on and just get on with it but this whole thing really has got to my very soul and being.

My house is in the hands of the lenders approval. Been really busy with my work. The last few days I've had time to sit and relax a bit. I know am doing as best I can to sort myself out. Preparing for my future and getting a lovely home of my own. It's just a pretty crappy situation to be in.

Hope that answers what ya asked moxy. Keep intouch folks it helps.

Kevin
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

I would have posted on the page, " I see the skank squad is out doing all and every "


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

OldWolf57 said:


> I would have posted on the page, " I see the skank squad is out doing all and every "


Lol, you always make me laugh dude. Cheers
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Kevin,

Just keep in mind that you will be better off. Her future is not bright at all. I'm deliriously happily married and my wife is 1000X the woman my ex ever was. Meanwhile my ex has hit the wall and it fell on her. She never had another decent relationship and is alone. Trust me when I say that living well is the best revenge and it is inevitable.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

I don't know your story, Kevin, but I hope you are taking care of yourself and making a life w/o the ex. 

Have you ever heard of the Married Man Sex Life?

Even if not married, it offers a lot of suggestions that havehelpedme tremendously in moving beyond the ex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

old timer said:


> I don't know your story, Kevin, but I hope you are taking care of yourself and making a life w/o the ex.
> 
> Have you ever heard of the Married Man Sex Life?
> 
> ...


 Cheers everyone for keeping intouch.

Honestly am so much stronger and better than I was 2 month ago. I don't feel so helpless but I do now have alot of anger towards my stxw and the situation. I still think she's behaving like a complete ass. And in all honesty she is a complete ass. Someone said this and it really hits home for me. My feelings about my wife's behaviour since I found out about the OM is like "watergate". It's not the crime that bothered people it was the cover up. It will always be for me the person she became. A pure out right lier. That's what's really heart breaking.

Kevin
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits.

Get the book. Required reading for every male.

Your ex sounds like an alchoholic. No?


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

chapparal said:


> Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits.
> 
> Get the book. Required reading for every male.
> 
> Your ex sounds like an alchoholic. No?


Dunno if I'd say she was an alcoholic but booze certainly is an important factor in her life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

KevinScotland said:


> Dunno if I'd say she was an alcoholic but booze certainly is an important factor in her life.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Many people use alcohol to bypass their moral center when they are doing something they know is wrong. They also use it as a coping mechanism when they've done something wrong and they aren't able to completely rationalize their behavior as justified. Sort of like a conscience killer. Maybe that is what she uses alcohol for.


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

bfree said:


> Many people use alcohol to bypass their moral center when they are doing something they know is wrong. They also use it as a coping mechanism when they've done something wrong and they aren't able to completely rationalize their behavior as justified. Sort of like a conscience killer. Maybe that is what she uses alcohol for.


In all fairness her drinking hasn't increased or is anything different. She always liked to drink while out and is normally the one that gets the most drunk. A friend of mine has seen her a few times while out and his comment was "she always gets the most drunk in the group she's with".

Anyway, this is just rationalising her behaviour. I've stopped making excuses for her being a cheating *****. I have the ability to stop myself from laying every woman who comes on to me when am out working as a professional musician. And trust me in my job its offered on a plate. No strings attached sex is always on offer from me. I was able to stay faithful. Even when she went cold and pushed me away for months and months and gave me no sex I stayed only faithful to her. Am a good looking guy and it wasn't ugly or unsexy women who expressed there interest in me. And mostly they were women in other parts of the UK where my wife would have never found out or known about. Don't get me wrong, the idea crossed my mind but I realised very quickly what I was wanting wasn't sex. What I was looking for and needed was to be close with my wife. Not just some easy sex. Am very proud of myself I didn't just jump into bed with randoms and remained faithful.

Anyway, all in the past now. *** her. She had her chance. I just can't stand the sight of her now. If I see her ill be very tempted to smack her in the teeth. I won't though.

Kevin.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Kevin, 

You've come a long way from your first posts. You will do well. Let her fade (as her looks will) into your past.

Keep to your morals and positive attitude and you're going to do well, and that young man is a fact!


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Drunkeness isn't an excuse its just another aspect of a broken woman you are way better off with out. She used alchohol to avoid talking to you when you tried to sit with her and figure things out. Now you have a chance for a redo. Pick better this time.

Read MMSL to start with. And share it with your band mates and all the other males you know.


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

Got my mortgage sorted. Movin into my new flat 1st of feb.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Good for you, KS! Moving on and up.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Best Wishes on your BRIGHT FUTURE KevinS !!!!!

And plz, keep it NC unless it's about settling the D.

from now on you are as uninterested in her as you would be of a T you flushed.

You have kids to raise and a NEW Life to build. So treat this old M as a cat does. Scrape the dirt over it and walk away.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

OldWolf57 said:


> So treat this old M as a cat does. Scrape the dirt over it and walk away.


Great analogy, Wolfie :lol:


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

Hi - I got an email asking for an update so here is my reply.


Hey, yea the outcome. I am now divorced. I have my own house and life and a new partner. I will be completely honest with you - I still have a lot of anger towards my ex. And that comes from how she handled her adultery. She has still never owned it. Not a sorry or even a drunken apology when she's alone at 2 in the morning. But that let's me gain a sort of strength or gives me my own closure. That was the hardest bit when your dealing with someone as selfish as a cheating partner who is constantly trying to pull the wool over your eyes to protect themselves is it gives you no closure. But like someone on here said "closure is like vomit, it comes from with in". It's a tough ride divorce when there is no honesty. I don't know your own personal circumstance but it your on the roller coaster ride of divorce I would strongly advise sticking close to this site. Post regularly, get involved with comments and replies. Some comments cut to the bone but everyone I met on here know what it's like and how confusing your emotions are right now and will keep you on the path that you need. Avoid divorce busters. There only trying to get your money. The main differance in me today is now there is no way on earth I would reconcile my marriage. It is now over "for me". The ball is now in my court when it comes to that. Yes I still think about her but that's normal. No different to my memories of my childhood which also played a massive part in my life. I hope one day my hatered towards her (I have some days still but very rarely) will go also. Your gonna be fine eventually even though you might not think so or if your like me want to keep yourself in the whirlwind of emotions because it gives you a sense of still bring involved with your ex. Start from today doing what you want to do. Do not bow down to any request your ex asks. Your now looking after you (and if you have kids YOUR relationship with them) so go after the maximum you are untitled to from the divorce when it comes to money/property and everything else. Your ex's friends are no longer your friends. They will turn on you eventually. Your ex now sees you as worthless and the enemy (and your ex's friends and family will be confirming this to your ex) stand up and fight for what you built up with your ex. Get exactly what your entitled to. Nothing less. My best wishes to you, Kevin.


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

And if I haven't said this already.

Thank you to everyone who posted replies on here. You's kept me sane and gave me the life I have today thanks to your support


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

*Re: Re: Was told my situation was better listed on here.*



KevinScotland said:


> And if I haven't said this already.
> 
> Thank you to everyone who posted replies on here. You's kept me sane and gave me the life I have today thanks to your support


Just pay it forward. Don't be afraid to help that buddy that is going through something similar. We all need to help each other. If we do the world will be a better place.


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