# He's not making any sacrifices



## jennyp0305 (Aug 12, 2012)

My boyfriend proposed to me on the fourth of July. I want to marry him, but there are a few issues that are nagging me that I would just like some insight on. 

First, he drives three to for times a week to spend the night with me (not yet living together). He lives 45 minutes away. That is the ONLY sacrifice it seems he's willing to make. He has told me he won't move very far, and I have a son from a previous relationship, and I don't think its fair to rip him away from everything he knows without really considering our options. He also has said we are going to live in the woods but I want to live on the beach. Its been my dream forever. He says he won't do it. He also says were getting married in vegas. Not exactly my idea if a dream wedding. Call me crazy, but I've always wanted a nice (not huge or overly extravagant, just nice) wedding. A day I can share with my husband and my friends and family. My son has asked if he could be the best man. He is so exited that I'm getting married, I don't have the heart to tell him that if it goes the way my fiancee wants, he probably won't even be there. 

I know this doesn't sound huge, but these things have been bothering me. I feel like its all one sided. I don't doubt that he loves me, I just think marriage should be about us as a family, not as individuals.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

So - what are the things that your fiancee does that give you the idea that he loves you? How long have you two been together? Is your son's father still involved?

As - what you say above paints a kind of bleak picture of a man unwilling to allow you any of your dreams, including the ones about your wedding. What exactly happens when you express your desires, he simply refuses to listen? He states no this is what will happen?

Are there any reasons he might want a more private affair for the wedding? Does he have trouble with his family, few friends? Might it be embarrassing that you have more people to invite? Is it a financial concern?


Why would he not want your son present at your wedding? That's a red flag to me about what he'll feel about his involvement in your life later. How does he generally act around/towards him?

If he's not willing to move less than an hour away to keep your son in school where he's familiar, that's also a huge flag. Does he have a very high paying job where he's at now? He's willing to drive 45 minutes to get sex (I'm assuming) but not to allow his future stepson to have consistency?


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

You're not gonna like my answer...

If these things are so much more important to you (not just the wedding stuff,... I'm talking the life style, where to live, putting son's needs first for consideration... etc)

If these things are so much more important to you, than important to your fiance... Maybe it is time to put thoughts & plans of wedding on hold. Just be engaged for a while & see if this relationship is really gonna work out??


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## jennyp0305 (Aug 12, 2012)

He actually makes more money and has more friends/family around than I do. He interacts well at times with my son, other times it seems almost like he couldn't care less. He didn't actually say he didn't want my son at the wedding, but he was quick to try to plan it around the time my son would be in disney with my sister. 

I kind of feel like maybe I'm being selfish, but as far as my son is concerned, he has been through a lot (alcoholic, abusive father, wich is why I left, and he no longer is involved) and I feel he needs as much consistency as possible.


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## jennyp0305 (Aug 12, 2012)

He and I have been together a year and a half.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old is your son?


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## jennyp0305 (Aug 12, 2012)

He will be 8 in november


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

“He interacts well at times with my son, other times it seems almost like he couldn't care less.”

Your son has to be your number one priority. If you marry a man who does not understand the need for your son to be a high priority in your life, your son will feel like he lost his mother. You might as well just give your son to his dad and walk away. It sounds harsh but it’s true. There are many people who advise to not remarry until children are 18 and can live on their own because of this.

Your bf does not replace your son’s father, but he does need to treat your son well. Just as your son needs to respect any man you might marry. But this does not sound good at all.

On the topic of your son being the best man… he should only be the best man if your bf wants him to be the best man. The groom picks the best man. Your son could be your ring bearer, he could give you away, there are other things he could do. But letting him think that he can name himself the best man is not a good idea. Just tell your son that the best man should be your bf’s best friend. That your son should represent you, not your bf.

The other things you mention, deciding where you will live, the place and date of your marriage, these should be joint decisions. It’s not that in and of themselves the wedding details are all that important… it’s that he’s dictating and not paying attention to what you have to say. The two of you do not seem to communicate well. You do not negotiate well. Do not marry until you have solved this. Search for “Marriage Builders policy of joint agreement”. Until the two of you can agree on these details there should be no marriage.

Why does he want to live in the forest? Do you feel that you will be too isolated if you do this?

Does he feel that since he earns more than you he automatically gets more say in things?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Maybe the way to settle the wedding issue is to go to Vegas for the wedding & honeymoon. Then come back to a reception that you plan.

I've known people who did this. Is was a great way to avoid all the hassle of a big wedding but still enjoy the celebration with friends and family. That way he gets his romantic Vega elopement and you get the big party. You can even have different dresses, etc for each occassion.

The invitations would read something like

==========================================================
On August 11, 2012 Joe and Sally Johnson eloped to Las Vegas and tied the knot.
You are invited to a reception and dinner to celebrate their marriage:
Date:
Time:
Place: 
==========================================================


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## jennyp0305 (Aug 12, 2012)

Just to clarify, I did tell my son that was my bf's decision. He doesn't want to be ring bearer because he ferris its not important enough. I figure he could give me away with my father so he could feel more important in the wedding. I agree that the issues in and of themselves arent huge deal breakers, its the principal behind it all. I am glad you mentioned earlier about why my son can't be in the wedding. I never even thought of it that way. I guess I'm getting answers I may not have wanted but really needed.


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## jennyp0305 (Aug 12, 2012)

Elegirl, I don't mind the wedding in vegas so much as the fact that he basically told me that's what were doing and never even bothered to ask if that's what I wanted to do as well.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Also, if you expect this man to be your son's step-father, he can't choose when to be involved and to care about him. He can't be "on" one moment and "off" the next. 

I'd really take a step back from the wedding planning, and start looking over the whole picture of this dynamic, and potentially even look into pre-marriage counseling.


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

You really need to take a step back and think. Do I want to be told what to do the rest of my life or would I like to be part of the decision making in my family? If your fiancee is already telling you instead of discussing things with you, it will only get worse when you are married.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jennyp0305 said:


> Elegirl, I don't mind the wedding in vegas so much as the fact that he basically told me that's what were doing and never even bothered to ask if that's what I wanted to do as well.


That's what I figured. I'd be very bothered by a bf who just told me how everything would be. 

Surely you have talked to him about this. What does he say?


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

From a certain perspective there are two things in marriage, compromise and sacrifice.

Compromise is fine. Compromise is about give and take, negotiating for a win/win outcome where both partners feel happy and comfortable.

Sacrifice is something exceedingly different. Sacrifice is You Lose/I Win. Whereas when one sacrifices, you both end up losing. A person who sacrifices things going into a marriage will go into the marriage a resentful person. Resentment is something that typically builds up within a marriage over the years and can if not dealt with kill the marriage.



But you, your husband and your eight year old son will all be going into the marriage as resentful people. Resentful people want their own back, they want their revenge so all three of you will be persecuting and punishing each other because you sacrificed and didn’t get what you want.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

jennyp0305 said:


> He actually makes more money and has more friends/family around than I do. He interacts well at times with my son, other times it seems almost like he couldn't care less. *He didn't actually say he didn't want my son at the wedding, but he was quick to try to plan it around the time my son would be in disney with my sister.*
> 
> I kind of feel like maybe I'm being selfish, but as far as my son is concerned, he has been through a lot (alcoholic, abusive father, wich is why I left, and he no longer is involved) and I feel he needs as much consistency as possible.


Everything else aside, that your fiance is so clearly looking to avoid making a commitment to you ANd your son, is enough reason to end the engagement.
Things will NOT get better with time, either your finace fully, 100% accepts the package deal that is you & your son, or else you leave, it's as simple as that.
Your first priority is to your son, he was there before your fiance ever was.
If your fiance cannot or will not accept a full relationship with your son & everything that goes along with it, then he's not worthy of being your husband or a step father.


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## jennyp0305 (Aug 12, 2012)

Thank you all very much for your advice. A lot of good points have been brought up, and I think I am going to have to take a step back and re evaluate this whole situation.


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## in my tree (Jun 9, 2012)

jenny - you have received some great advice in this thread and I'm glad to see that you are considering it carefully. I really think that the idea of pre-marriage counseling is a great one. We put a lot of effort into the wedding day, where we are going to live, etc. but in actuality we should all be putting as much effort into the marriage preparations as we do the wedding. 

I married a man when my daughter was not quite two years old. I was relatively young (27) and naive. There were signs that he may not have been the greatest step dad but I didn't recognize them or pay attention. Dumb. You are smarter than I was. You see a few things that bother you and are questioning. That is good and can be a saving grace down the line.

I am now _finally_ divorcing this man and although my daughter is now 22, she has no love for him at all. All thse years of living together and sharing experiences and she doesn't ever want to see him again. To say that I made some mistakes is a huge understatement. Sometimes the guilt eats at me. I'm only saying this stuff because your story struck a nerve with me. Your fiance may end up being a wonderful husband and dad but it's so important that you listen to what your heart and gut is telling you.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Jenny,
I read this pretty carefully: 

You have beach dreams and wedding dreams and - future H being a consistent and positive figure in your sons life. 

What jumped out at me is - you need to tell your fiancee what matters most to you. I hope it is his interaction with your son.





jennyp0305 said:


> Thank you all very much for your advice. A lot of good points have been brought up, and I think I am going to have to take a step back and re evaluate this whole situation.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

This guy doesn't know much about how women work... That's visible on the wedding stuff. TELLING a woman how the wedding will be is a major blunder on his part.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I'd think twice about marrying this guy. Not compromising this early in a relationship is not good. You'll most likely end up in some pretty heated arguments in the future. It sounds like your fiancé is saying "it's my way or the highway" sort of thing. Your fiancé will not change. This may actually get worse as time goes on.

There are plenty of men who are much more respectful and willing to please. 

The others here gave wonderful advice. My husband and I compromise everything we don't see eye to eye on even if it takes a few days. Both my husband and I are not afraid to communicate and we communicate well in a calm way too. I think this is vital in a successful marriage.

Good luck.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

If he couldn't put my son as a #1, or at least VERY high priority...... as comletely stepping in as a father... I wouldn't be marrying into something that couldn't be a complete happy loving family.

Wouldn't care how good the sex was. Wouldn't care how great he & I got along together. Wouldn't care if he was extremely well off & financially stable. 

If he wouldn't fit well into a great family situation & be able to be a comlete father figure to my kid, or a great family unit.. Well, then, I wouldn't be marrying him. If it was me. 

I'd leave it as - he was/ is great boyfriend material. But if he's not the family man & great step dad material.. He'd only be a boyfriend. Not a fiance.

Edit- sorry.. just my opinion. Of course, it's much easier to say all that without really having to be in or deal with the relationship itself.


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

He seems to be controlling on what he wants.
not a good sign.
hes not taking your options into perspective and for your child.
he seems to be selfish about this.

talk alot more before you make the leap.
if worse comes to it you can always just move to the beach anyways.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Don't get married until you resolve these issues.

Seems you don't really like a lot about what you fiance does/wants. A relationship is about compromise. Are you bending to meet him halfway and vice versa? It takes two.

Also, if you marry in Vegas, your son can be the best man. I don't know why you would think he wouldn't/couldn't be but that's neither here nor there.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

The biggest concern I would have here is the way your BF interacts with your son. At 8 years of age, that little guy has to be your first priority.

The next concern would be that your BF is already showing signs of wanting to control rather than compromise, and that sort of behaviour doesn't bode well for a woman with an 8 year old to consider...

I would think very carefully, OP, before tying the knot with this man.


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