# Reaching out to those in a sexless marriage



## Gingerbread (Nov 4, 2013)

I am struggling with my sexless marriage. I have written before and have received a lot of great advice which I appreciate. But right now I would like to hear from those who are experiencing a sexless marriage....as in no sex. I am not looking for advice on the medical causes or cures but more on the emotional issues. How do you cope? How do you not build resentment. Do you kiss passionately? I am hoping someone can help.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I developed other interests and activities I could do alone or with friends, but the most useful was (re)learning meditation techniques. That helped me keep perspective and reduce resentment, but did not "fix" anything.

Eventually, the frustration and resentment became too great, and I divorced. In retrospect, I wish I had done that many years sooner!


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

How you deal with it depends on many factors, emotional, physical, and material. 

Young vs old, kids vs no kids, root causes, chance of fix receptivity to intervention...

And of course the intangibles. Culture, upbringing, religion...

Read some of the many threads on the subject for starters then start developing your own plans. If you're comfortable post some details and you can be pointed to some specific advise or case studies.

The one thing you won't find is quick answers 'cause there generally ain't any.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Reading your other posts sounds like your husband is impotent. I take it that is still the case? I'm in your shoes. It has been many years since we have been able to have sex due to my husbands impotence. We are in our early 50's and may never be able to have sex again. For years we didn't do a lot connecting, he didn't want us to get to intimate because he couldn't complete the act. We kept busy being parents. Having our own hobbies, doing family activities. I told him that I needed more touch and intimacy from him and that he doesn't have to feel pressure to perform because we are in bed together. We now kiss and hug a lot during the day and at night in bed we cuddle and kiss. We have more date nights. He doesn't feel the pressure because he knows I'm not expecting our cuddling to lead to us trying to have sex and he won't be able to and then he gets frustrated.

I'm not resentful because it's not his choice not to have sex with me, he wants to but he can't but I do wish he would be more passionate with me. Our kids are older now and eventually it will be just he and I. I just think of the great qualities I love about him and our marriage, that's how I am coping with our sexless marriage and know that I want to spend the rest of my life with him even if that means I will never have sex again.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Good question. It happens that I'm really struggling with this today for some reason. Today is the 11 month anniversary of celibacy. That doesn't just include actual sex but any forms of intimacy. I also thought ... damn, my birthday is in a couple of months ... and even though birthdays are just another day, I couldn't help but think that since she just has no interest making it unlikely that we'll have sex anytime soon, I'll probably be able to mark this down as another sexless "year" of my life. So thinking back, that means that I did not have sex when I was 40, 41, 42, 43 and shortly I'll be able to include 46. Pretty bad decade. It probably isn't true but it "feels" like that part of my life is completely over. Not a healthy way to look at things but some days like today it just really bugs me.

I don't know if I would be able to deal with it any better if the reasons were physical. I might think so because in my case the rejection is emotional but at the end of the day no matter what the reasons are ... whether they are physical or I just don't "do it for her" ... you aren't having sex.

I don't cope well. I know when I'm focusing on the things that are important ... my personal goals, work, relationships, children ... is when I think about it the least so that is where I try to keep my focus. I try to be grateful for the things that I have instead of what I don't have. Still ... there are moments, like today ...


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

Happilymarried25 said:


> *I'm not resentful because it's not his choice not to have sex with me, he wants to but he can't but I do wish he would be more passionate with me.* Our kids are older now and eventually it will be just he and I. I just think of the great qualities I love about him and our marriage, that's how I am coping with our sexless marriage and know that I want to spend the rest of my life with him even if that means I will never have sex again.


This could be said to both Gingerbread and Happilymarried25:

I am having a hard time understanding how you say it is not his choice, I know the ED is not his choice, BUT it is his choice to not attempt other means of being sexually intimate with you. It is his choice to not be willing to do other sexual acts with you just because he can't perform PIV. How does he explain his unwillingness to use toys, to do oral or to manually stimulate you or to do any number of other things to satisfy his wife? He may be saying it just frustrates him, but what about unilaterally deciding to end your sex life? He is willing to let you remain frustrated? 

There was a thread on here a while back posted by a guy who had to undergo a radical penectomy due to cancer and he was concerned with keeping his wife happy. He was still more than willing and able to continue to satisfy his wife despite it being frustrating at times for him. So ED or not, why would your husband sacrifice all intimacy? Does your husband realize how selfish that is?


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

He does that, I didn't say it's been years since I had an O. We had fun a couple of weeks ago. I'm not into toys. It seems to artificial to me. By being more intimate I meant French kissing and laying in bed without our clothes on. He will do it if I ask him but he will never do it on his on initiative so we rarely do it.


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## P51Geo1980 (Sep 25, 2013)

Gingerbread said:


> I am struggling with my sexless marriage. I have written before and have received a lot of great advice which I appreciate. But right now I would like to hear from those who are experiencing a sexless marriage....as in no sex. I am not looking for advice on the medical causes or cures but more on the emotional issues. How do you cope? How do you not build resentment. Do you kiss passionately? I am hoping someone can help.


For the past two years I was in nursing school, so that kept me pretty busy and I was able to not think about how sexless our marriage was.



Gingerbread said:


> I am not looking for advice on the medical causes or cures but more on the emotional issues. How do you cope?


I pushed them away because any time I would bring them up she would change the subject and refused to address them. My marriage wasn't only sexless, it was emotionless as well. Very tough spot to be in.



Gingerbread said:


> Do you kiss passionately? I am hoping someone can help.


No, she'd indulge me in a mouth kiss maybe once a week. More often I'd get her cheek. 

Eventually the resentment at the neglect from her killed the marriage. She tried changing, but it was too little too late - I had given her many chances to address the issues: asked for counseling (she refused), asked her to see a doctor about changing her BC (she refused), tried being nice, tried being a jerk (nothing worked). I told her once I had checked out it was unlikely that I would be able to check back in. She had many chances...I would have done anything for her, but it was never reciprocated. Anytime I tried to have sex with her it was met with a "tomorrow." "Tomorrow" never came. Finally, I just filed for divorce about three months ago, limited contact between us, I'm just waiting for the six months to be over with - although I've already moved on and started dating a girl who actually seems to like me (although no sex yet - I want to take things slow for now), just want that chapter of my life completely closed.


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

I thought I was coping when the sex dwindled and we had many years of Christmas and birthday only.

Eventually it fizzled out to nothing. Resentment had quietly moved in to fill the gap.

It got to the point where I was so resentful that whilst I desperately wanted to have sex, I did not want to have sex with him. Not at all.

I expect that a sexless marriage (as in no PIV for whatever reason) might be able to work IF both parties make an effort to maintain intimacy and physical closeness.

But if it is simply a case of the man being unable/unwilling to perform (as was the case in ours) and therefore avoiding the subject completely then I simply don't see how it can continue long term. Not with any real happiness, anyway.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

I cannot give any sage advice.

All I can say is that I lived in a sexless marriage for 3 years.
I went into it a combination of my own foolhardiness and deception by my ex who asked we wait until after marriage and then denied me afterwards. It was afterward that she told me about her extreme sexual abuse past and her frigidity. Not only sex, but almost any intimacy. I don't think we ever even had a really good make-out session.

How did I live with it? I was a bachelor most of my life, so I knew how to take care of myself. At the risk of scorn, although it was extremely frustrating and infuriating and we had numerous blow ups, i gave up and learned to accept it.

I would probably still be with her except the abuse and cheating which WAS a deal breaker.


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## Code-Welder (Dec 17, 2012)

Happilymarried25 said:


> Reading your other posts sounds like your husband is impotent. I take it that is still the case? I'm in your shoes. It has been many years since we have been able to have sex due to my husbands impotence. We are in our early 50's and may never be able to have sex again.


Is there a reason your DH can not take medication for impotence? Even if he does not or can not take meds he can satisfy you with oral or other methods. Men can organism without having an erection, you do know that? I have and in a talk with a friend who had a prostrate removal and while healing he and his DW fooled around and he was surprised he could orgasm without an erection.

Have either of your DH ever had a orgasm since importance set in, or have you even tried? It is not healthy for a man not to ejaculate. How open to trying new things in the bedroom are you ladies?


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> Good question. It happens that I'm really struggling with this today for some reason. Today is the 11 month anniversary of celibacy. That doesn't just include actual sex but any forms of intimacy. I also thought ... damn, my birthday is in a couple of months ... and even though birthdays are just another day, I couldn't help but think that since she just has no interest making it unlikely that we'll have sex anytime soon, I'll probably be able to mark this down as another sexless "year" of my life. So thinking back, that means that I did not have sex when I was 40, 41, 42, 43 and shortly I'll be able to include 46. Pretty bad decade. It probably isn't true but it "feels" like that part of my life is completely over. Not a healthy way to look at things but some days like today it just really bugs me.
> 
> I don't know if I would be able to deal with it any better if the reasons were physical. I might think so because in my case the rejection is emotional but at the end of the day no matter what the reasons are ... whether they are physical or I just don't "do it for her" ... you aren't having sex.
> 
> I don't cope well. I know when I'm focusing on the things that are important ... my personal goals, work, relationships, children ... is when I think about it the least so that is where I try to keep my focus. I try to be grateful for the things that I have instead of what I don't have. Still ... there are moments, like today ...


Well sir, you let someone waste the prime years of your life. There are 3+ billion women on the face of this earth, many whom it would PLEASE to take on your sexual needs. Why be stuck on one who won't?


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

treyvion said:


> Well sir, you let someone waste the prime years of your life. There are 3+ billion women on the face of this earth, many whom it would PLEASE to take on your sexual needs. Why be stuck on one who won't?


You are correct, I have in fact wasted my prime years and I'll never get them back. Our entire 21 year marriage has been relatively sexless ... the latter half being technically sexless ... and it has only gotten worse from there. You would think I'm some fugly, lazy, abusive, neglectful, loser SOB ... and I'm anything but. Why be stuck on one who won't? 1) To honor my commitment and make every effort to fix it, and failing that 2) extricate myself from the situation in a responsible way ... for me, for her and especially for my 9 and 12 year old daughters. It isn't always easy to do the right thing. I wish I had better coping skills because it has torn me apart.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

davesmith said:


> no sex is sign of a problem, but that problem can be many things.
> ideally the partner that is not interested would get some counseling to try to figure out the issue.
> sorry for your situation.


Well in OPs case, it doesn't sound like a lack of interest ... there is a physical issue that leaves him unable to perform. I am sure that it is quite traumatic for OP's SO. I'm not sure what I'd do if that were the case for me.


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

Hobbies and other diversions are the only ways that I stay sane. 7 months since the last time. The less that I think about it, the better I am. When we are affectionate, I tell myself that it will not go beyond that so not to set myself up for disappointment.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> You are correct, I have in fact wasted my prime years and I'll never get them back. Our entire 21 year marriage has been relatively sexless ... the latter half being technically sexless ... and it has only gotten worse from there. You would think I'm some fugly, lazy, abusive, neglectful, loser SOB ... and I'm anything but. Why be stuck on one who won't? 1) To honor my commitment and make every effort to fix it, and failing that 2) extricate myself from the situation in a responsible way ... for me, for her and especially for my 9 and 12 year old daughters. It isn't always easy to do the right thing. I wish I had better coping skills because it has torn me apart.


Feel for you - we have three year old twins (boy and girl), and I'm thinking of ways to extricate myself from their "sex is too much work" mother. As you know, easier said than done, and your kids are at a very vulnerable age (especially being girls). Good luck to you.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

ChargingCharlie said:


> JustSomeGuyWho said:
> 
> 
> > You are correct, I have in fact wasted my prime years and I'll never get them back. Our entire 21 year marriage has been relatively sexless ... the latter half being technically sexless ... and it has only gotten worse from there. You would think I'm some fugly, lazy, abusive, neglectful, loser SOB ... and I'm anything but. Why be stuck on one who won't? 1) To honor my commitment and make every effort to fix it, and failing that 2) extricate myself from the situation in a responsible way ... for me, for her and especially for my 9 and 12 year old daughters. It isn't always easy to do the right thing. I wish I had better coping skills because it has torn me apart.
> ...


Sounds like you know exactly where I'm coming from unfortunately. Yes, my girls are at a very vulnerable age making it all that more difficult ... it's something I'm keenly aware of and trying to delicately navigate my way through.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Gingerbread said:


> I am struggling with my sexless marriage. I have written before and have received a lot of great advice which I appreciate. But right now I would like to hear from those who are experiencing a sexless marriage....as in no sex. I am not looking for advice on the medical causes or cures but more on the emotional issues. How do you cope? How do you not build resentment. Do you kiss passionately? I am hoping someone can help.


 Im in a sexless marriage august will be a year of no sex.. Coping is really difficult for me.. The resentment I feel for my husband has completly engulfed every feeling I had for him. There is no kissing, no touching, no nothing. I have felt anger and hatred for him, I now feel nothing at all. I just no longer care and I will be moving out. This is not what marriage is to me, this is not what I signed up for


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> Sounds like you know exactly where I'm coming from unfortunately. Yes, my girls are at a very vulnerable age making it all that more difficult ... it's something I'm keenly aware of and trying to delicately navigate my way through.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* on Android_



Vulnerable is overrated. My girls have seen their share of emotional fireworks, worse than three divorces, from mom and did ok. The older was a drama queen before and will continue to be one. The younger was the ice queen and likewise...


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

treyvion said:


> JustSomeGuyWho said:
> 
> 
> > Good question. It happens that I'm really struggling with this today for some reason. Today is the 11 month anniversary of celibacy. That doesn't just include actual sex but any forms of intimacy. I also thought ... damn, my birthday is in a couple of months ... and even though birthdays are just another day, I couldn't help but think that since she just has no interest making it unlikely that we'll have sex anytime soon, I'll probably be able to mark this down as another sexless "year" of my life. So thinking back, that means that I did not have sex when I was 40, 41, 42, 43 and shortly I'll be able to include 46. Pretty bad decade. It probably isn't true but it "feels" like that part of my life is completely over. Not a healthy way to look at things but some days like today it just really bugs me.
> ...


I want to add ... I'm at a point now where I realize that worse than 'wasting' my prime years is that I allowed it to sap my energy and positivity. That was my real failure. That had to stop. I obviously still struggle with it ... some days, like yesterday, worse than others .... but things have gotten better and will continue to get better. While I don't have great advice for OP on how to cope, I can share at least that.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## Gingerbread (Nov 4, 2013)

ladybird said:


> Im in a sexless marriage august will be a year of no sex.. Coping is really difficult for me.. The resentment I feel for my husband has completly engulfed every feeling I had for him. There is no kissing, no touching, no nothing. I have felt anger and hatred for him, I now feel nothing at all. I just no longer care and I will be moving out. This is not what marriage is to me, this is not what I signed up for



I think this is where I am. For 10 years I did not or could not express my resentment. For health reasons, he was not suppose to have any stress. Looking back this probably did not help our marriage. Then a year ago the health issues were somewhat resolved, the fear of eminent death was no longer there. However the ed issues have now turned to impotency. 

I think I always held out hope that when he had his surgery and was healthy our sex life would improve. Now it feels hopeless. The past decade sex has been on his terms. I was always disappointed. He wants to kiss and hug all the time and this is difficult for me. I try to tell myself that I can live like this, a lot of people do.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Gingerbread said:


> ladybird said:
> 
> 
> > Im in a sexless marriage august will be a year of no sex.. Coping is really difficult for me.. The resentment I feel for my husband has completly engulfed every feeling I had for him. There is no kissing, no touching, no nothing. I have felt anger and hatred for him, I now feel nothing at all. I just no longer care and I will be moving out. This is not what marriage is to me, this is not what I signed up for
> ...


So if this is where you are then is the question really how to cope or are you looking for a different answer? I don't think many people could fault you for deciding to leave the marriage ... maybe not even your husband. I know if that was my situation and my wife decided to leave, while it would be traumatic, I would understand. It may even be a relief that I'm no longer the reason for somebody's unhappiness, especially when it's something I have no control over and can't change..

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Gingerbread said:


> I think this is where I am. For 10 years I did not or could not express my resentment. For health reasons, he was not suppose to have any stress. Looking back this probably did not help our marriage. Then a year ago the health issues were somewhat resolved, the fear of eminent death was no longer there. However the ed issues have now turned to impotency.
> 
> I think I always held out hope that when he had his surgery and was healthy our sex life would improve. Now it feels hopeless. The past decade sex has been on his terms. I was always disappointed. He wants to kiss and hug all the time and this is difficult for me. I try to tell myself that I can live like this, a lot of people do.


Why does him wanting to hug and kiss you make it more difficult for you? Is it because you want more and he can't give it to you? I would think that would make you feel better about your marriage. A lot of men with ED problems avoid any intimacy. That would be very difficult for me. A lot of couples do live without sex due to physical problems on the men's part. It's not easy. I think you have to decide if you can live like this, if not then it might be time to separate.


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## Gingerbread (Nov 4, 2013)

Another poster mentioned wasting his prime in a sexless marriage. I feel I haven't had real sex since my thirties, I'm in my fifties now and am trying to cope with the reality that I will never experience sex again aside from kissing and hugging. I keep thinking that if I could somehow accept this I would be fine. 

Some of my resentment stems from his attitude. He is content with the just the light kisses and hugs and when I try to explain what I am feeling he shuts down and then I feel bad. But I don't enjoy the kisses. I want passion.

What do I want to hear? Maybe that this is like the stages of grief. That over time I will feel better. I am working two jobs now and that helps. I want a magic pill that will make it all better. 

We have a child who is getting married next summer. So I feel that separation would not be appropriate right now. And I am afraid of being alone. Financially we put all our eggs in his basket. 

I guess I was looking for ideas. I think I will try meditation and start to go to the gym more. I am all over the place. I don't know how to be happy with my marriage any more. We are friends and that's it.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

I understand how you feel. Is there any hope his physical situation will change? Does he satisfy you through oral sex? My husband is happy to do that. I enjoy the hugs and kisses I get from my husband but he doesn't like to get to passionate either like getting naked or French kissing. That has been my biggest complaint. The only time he wants to do that is if he has taken Viagra and want to see if it will work. I understand you not wanting to break up your family and what you two have worked for together. Do you two cuddle at night or does he prefer to keep thinks separate in the bed? We have been cuddling in bed for while and I do feel it have made us closer and made us feel we are more than friends like you have mentioned.

There really is no magic pill to get over the feelings. I think that is why so many sexless marriages in in divorce. It's hard not to feel resentment even when it's a medical condition. You just have to weight what you love about him and the marriage and with living without sex. I think it gets harder to think about living this way for the rest of your life as your children get older and move out and it's just the two of you. You probably think about being with someone else who you can be passionate with and ML with. There may be a day when you just can't stay in your situation any longer and want to find a more satisfying relationship. I'm sure you will know when or if it's time to move on.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

My husband knows what I need, ive told him, but it not just sex. I need to be touched like hugs, kisses, snuggles. He doesnt do any of that. He hasnt touched me in almost a year and before that he only touched me when he wanted to have sex, which was maybe every 2 or 3 months. The connection I had with him has been non existent for the last 4 years. I have already stayed to long hoping that things would change, it been about 5 years now. I cant stay anylonger, if I do it will completly kill who I am.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Gingerbread said:


> Another poster mentioned wasting his prime in a sexless marriage. I feel I haven't had real sex since my thirties, I'm in my fifties now and am trying to cope with the reality that I will never experience sex again aside from kissing and hugging. I keep thinking that if I could somehow accept this I would be fine.


Say you were told you have a year left to live at 80 years old. Would you like to look back realizing you wasted all that life being forced to be sexless and live less than you really wanted? Or are you going to wish that you wouldn't let your life be controlled like that and do something about it.



Gingerbread said:


> Some of my resentment stems from his attitude. He is content with the just the light kisses and hugs and when I try to explain what I am feeling he shuts down and then I feel bad. But I don't enjoy the kisses. I want passion.


You might need to build it up in him. Build up his feelings of his self. Does he like oral? Some people don't have it in them.



Gingerbread said:


> What do I want to hear? Maybe that this is like the stages of grief. That over time I will feel better. I am working two jobs now and that helps. I want a magic pill that will make it all better.
> 
> We have a child who is getting married next summer. So I feel that separation would not be appropriate right now. And I am afraid of being alone. Financially we put all our eggs in his basket.
> 
> I guess I was looking for ideas. I think I will try meditation and start to go to the gym more. I am all over the place. I don't know how to be happy with my marriage any more. We are friends and that's it.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Gingerbread said:


> Another poster mentioned wasting his prime in a sexless marriage. I feel I haven't had real sex since my thirties, I'm in my fifties now and am trying to cope with the reality that I will never experience sex again aside from kissing and hugging. I keep thinking that if I could somehow accept this I would be fine.
> 
> Some of my resentment stems from his attitude. He is content with the just the light kisses and hugs and when I try to explain what I am feeling he shuts down and then I feel bad. But I don't enjoy the kisses. I want passion.
> 
> ...


Although my marriage is no really "sexless", it is loveless...My wife has just enough sex with me so I won't leave. I know she isnt into it at all. Call it duty sex, mechanical sex, vanilla sex, passionless sex.... We are like roommates. Sex is not really worth it anymore....Its just a physical release... I am planning my exit.

So, in the meantime, I am getting all my financials in order, separating bank accounts, incouraging my wife to go back to school and learn something so she can fend for herself when that time comes. My 10 year old keeps me from leaving...

For my well being, I have hobby's.... I volunteer at an animal shelter and i joined a hiking group. Now it is too hot to hike 12 miles, so I backed off on that. I also exercise everyday. I may take a ballroom dance class.

My wife was my best and only friend for 20 years... I am working on developing friendships...

The up side... My wife and I now have an open marriage... That's when the sex increased....She doesn't care for any intimacy... No hugs, kisses, no cuddleing... So i am open for the right oportunity when it comes my way. I am just blind and i dont always see the opportunity... Don't know if they are just nice or flirting.. I am practicing being single...

I am not afraid to be single anymore... 


Staying in a sexless/passionless marriage is just a slow painful miserable death...

For the life of me, I don't know why all of us in a sexless marriage stay...


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Trickster said:


> Although my marriage is no really "sexless", it is loveless...My wife has just enough sex with me so I won't leave. I know she isnt into it at all. Call it duty sex, mechanical sex, vanilla sex, passionless sex.... We are like roommates. Sex is not really worth it anymore....Its just a physical release... I am planning my exit.
> 
> So, in the meantime, I am getting all my financials in order, separating bank accounts, incouraging my wife to go back to school and learn something so she can fend for herself when that time comes. My 10 year old keeps me from leaving...
> 
> ...


Because were stupid.


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## Gingerbread (Nov 4, 2013)

Actually he only started oral sex when the ED started. But then he only did it until he was "ready". That was it. So now that that doesn't work, he is not interested. He tried once but because it was like an obligation or experiment and it was unsuccessful. The closest I get to sex is a foot massage.

We are empty nesters now. My interaction with other people is limited. My world has gotten so small that it probably adds to my loneliness. I like the idea of developing friendships. Just have to figure out how to do that. My husband is an introvert, he doesn't like going out.

Sometimes I think about divorcing but then think it may not be any better being alone. We have been together 30 years.

Trickster...your spouse is ok with an open marriage? Not that I could or would, but how do you bring that up in conversation?


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Gingerbread said:


> Actually he only started oral sex when the ED started. But then he only did it until he was "ready". That was it. So now that that doesn't work, he is not interested. He tried once but because it was like an obligation or experiment and it was unsuccessful. The closest I get to sex is a foot massage.
> 
> We are empty nesters now. My interaction with other people is limited. My world has gotten so small that it probably adds to my loneliness. I like the idea of developing friendships. Just have to figure out how to do that. My husband is an introvert, he doesn't like going out.
> 
> ...


Whether you are lonely or not, do you want sexless ontop of that list? I don't think so.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Gosh Gingerbread, your husband sounds selfish and has no interest in pleasing you at all. Not many men don't enjoy giving their women oral sex especially in your case when that is the only sex you get. I can understand why you have built up some resentment. We have been together 28 years and couldn't imagine being alone or with anyone else. My husband is an introvert too and is happy to spend the evenings watching whatever sports in on TV but he takes me out often and we enjoy spending time together. It can be hard to stay connected as a couple when there is no sex involved. My husband has a low t count so he doesn't have the desire to be passionate like most men. He is on the testosterone patch now.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Gingerbread said:


> Actually he only started oral sex when the ED started. But then he only did it until he was "ready". That was it. So now that that doesn't work, he is not interested. He tried once but because it was like an obligation or experiment and it was unsuccessful. The closest I get to sex is a foot massage.
> 
> *When we do have sex... I love giving oral to my wife... I usually alternate between oral and piv. She never wants me to cum inside her. If she doesn't get hers, I want to go back to oral so my wife gets hers.... She never wants me to. She sees that her job is over...yet in a few minutes later, I would be ready for round two. She never wants it....*
> 
> ...


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

The hiking group I am in is a meet up group. 

It's easy to start one. 

You could organize it. Pick an event like

morning walks 

Coffee

Wine tasting

Dog play groups... Do you have a dog?

Bowling

A friend of mine belongs to a meet-up poker group and once a week is poker night. They try to alternate homes as much as possible.

Call yours the empty nesters poker group


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## Anomnom (Jun 25, 2012)

Gingerbread said:


> Another poster mentioned wasting his prime in a sexless marriage. I feel I haven't had real sex since my thirties, I'm in my fifties now and am trying to cope with the reality that I will never experience sex again aside from kissing and hugging. I keep thinking that if I could somehow accept this I would be fine.


I was in a sexless marriage for 8 years. Sex was never regular to begin with but year by year it dwindled to a few times a year, with me always the initiator and feeling like he was just giving me pity sex whenever it did actually happen. Every time I'd bring up the issue he'd swear to do it more but then he'd always without fail say 'lets do it tomorrow' or some other delaying tactic so it never happened anyway.


Gingerbread said:


> Some of my resentment stems from his attitude. He is content with the just the light kisses and hugs and when I try to explain what I am feeling he shuts down and then I feel bad. But I don't enjoy the kisses. I want passion.


Most of my resentment came from him not seeming to care at all about how the lack of sex affected me, even though he constantly told me he loved me and would do anything for me..



Gingerbread said:


> We have a child who is getting married next summer. So I feel that separation would not be appropriate right now. And I am afraid of being alone. Financially we put all our eggs in his basket.


You're making excuses for staying..your child is not a child and I'm sure they would rather a happier mother then one stuck in a miserable marriage. Just because you (may) separate, doesn't mean you have to hate each other. My child was 1 when I left, the most heart rendering decision one could ever make, but I have not regretted it once! My xhb and I have remained friends and see each other regularly when he sees our child.


Gingerbread said:


> I guess I was looking for ideas. I think I will try meditation and start to go to the gym more. I am all over the place. I don't know how to be happy with my marriage any more. We are friends and that's it.


Look up the meetup website as a pp suggested to make some new friends and start to have a social life again. Start to think about separate bank accounts, work, etc and how you live if you weren't together. Keep in mind, your child who is obviously an adult would help you a lot I assume.

I separated from my xhb 2 weeks before the one year anniversary of no sex. That was my limit. He had proved that he was never going to help me save the marriage because he thought we had a perfect marriage (which drove me crazy!). He was so shocked when I told him I was leaving him, he said he never imagined I would ever leave even though I had been telling him constantly if things didn't change I would..Men can be so blind and I'm sure your husband, after 30 years is quite comfortable in the 'fact' that you would never leave..he needs a reality check about how serious this is for you.

My divorce came through last month and I'm now living with a wonderful man, getting all the intimacy and sex I honestly thought I would never get again. I didn't want to be in that group of people who look back at their lives in regret at what was wasted..I'm in my mid 30s and have so much more living to do, I didn't want to waste my sexual peak years and it is the best decision I've ever made!


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## tommyr (May 25, 2014)

Gingerbread said:


> Trickster...your spouse is ok with an open marriage? Not that I could or would, but how do you bring that up in conversation?


I am constantly amazed at the abuse some of us willingly suffer in a long term sexless marriage. 
You are not a powerless victim here! You do not need to just wait patiently until the subject of sex or open marriage just comes up.
Like "pass the salt please, and oh are you ok with me ****ing my boss?"

Here is how to bring this up in conversation:
1. You initiate sex!! Pick a time of day and place where sex is indeed possible. Don't just hint around: be strong and clear that you are initiating SEX. 
2. If she/he rejects you, ask her/him when is a better time to have sex? If this discussion produces anything less than a specific day/time that you will have sex, proceed on with following steps.
3. Have *The Talk*: this is the whole his needs/her needs discussion where you make it clear you need sex (with a specific frequency), and that you will no longer meet your partner's needs unless sex is a regular part of the relationship. 
4. If *The Talk* stalls, then escalate the severity by offering these options:
a) Remain happily married with both partners meeting each others needs. For you, this means a regular sexlife (with a specific frequency).​b) Remain married on paper, but it's "every man for himself" as for all needs. This means your sexual needs will be met (discretely) outside the marriage. You are not asking permission here, rather THEY are choosing to relinquish control of YOUR sexlife​c) Your partner initiates a divorce in which you will claim their fault of abandonment (due to their refusal to have sex).​
I am not just spouting off some mindless theory. I too was in a sexless marriage and (fortunately) she chose option A, and the past 8+ years we have been happily married (both of us meeting each other's needs).


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Gingerbread-

I will say that when we initiated the open marriage and I started talking about my attraction to other women, my wife started becoming more affectionate...My wife is trying. I believe it is just out of fear of me leaving. I don't trust it yet. I wish so much that I was able to communicate my needs better so my wife could understand how important sex and affection was to me. Even now, she still doesn't understand. I notice when I stop talking about other women, the sex slows.

I admire people with the courage to leave an unfulfilling marriage. Maybe some of us in these LTR's don't know what it could be like with a loving partner. We accept this as the norm.

Maybe we can start the sexless marriage meet-up group!


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

tommyr said:


> I am constantly amazed at the abuse some of us willingly suffer in a long term sexless marriage.
> You are not a powerless victim here! You do not need to just wait patiently until the subject of sex or open marriage just comes up.
> Like "pass the salt please, and oh are you ok with me ****ing my boss?"
> 
> ...


It's simple ... on paper. If I was in a sexless marriage without children or in an empty nest situation, like OP, then I absolutely agree with you.


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## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

Staying for children.....I'm sorry, I think that does more harm than good. Children will look to you and your spouse as a model for a healthy marriage....are you living kind of marriage you want for your kids? If you "wait" until they're grown up....all you do is confirm to them that you lived a lie while they were growing up. I don't think one should necessarily just D but when you've exercised every single effort and it's not reciprocated, I see absolute no good in remaining in a relationship that makes you depressed and sucks out your self esteem and self worth. Ask yourself if your children were in your shoes...what would your advice be? Stay and be miserable and lonely?


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

daffodilly said:


> Staying for children.....I'm sorry, I think that does more harm than good. Children will look to you and your spouse as a model for a healthy marriage....are you living kind of marriage you want for your kids? If you "wait" until they're grown up....all you do is confirm to them that you lived a lie while they were growing up. I don't think one should necessarily just D but when you've exercised every single effort and it's not reciprocated, I see absolute no good in remaining in a relationship that makes you depressed and sucks out your self esteem and self worth. Ask yourself if your children were in your shoes...what would your advice be? Stay and be miserable and lonely?


I don't think it is that simple. Yes, I think that is true in some cases but certainly not all. I don't know if I would agree in my case. We have a very functional and peaceful home environment. Our disagreements are no more than those that happen in a healthy marriage. Our family situation is less stressful on the children than my own upbringing was and my parents have a strong marriage of 46 years. My daughters don't know that we don't have sex. If we do stay together until we are empty nesters ... they do not need to know that we were simply delaying a divorce until they were out of the home. It isn't any of their business. I don't buy the argument that their childhood is tainted because we were "living a lie". If we were to divorce now, what would I tell them? "Mommy and Daddy are getting a divorce and Daddy will only get to see you every other weekend because Daddy wants to get laid and Mommy doesn't want to." I don't believe in being dishonest with your children but in some cases it isn't helpful to be completely transparent. 

I believe that children do look at your marriage as a model but at the same time I believe it is more important that they look at me and how I interact with them as their model of how a man should treat them. That is difficult to do if I see them on Wednesday nights and every other weekend and am not there for them on a daily basis.

Three years ago I separated from my wife. Our marriage at that point WAS worse for the children than being apart. Resentment and anger had reached a point where we were barely talking to each other and when we did, it was tense. Everybody knew the marriage was in trouble, including my daughters. It is a long story but the fact that our marriage was sexless (3.5 years at that point) was not reason for the separation. Our life was a trainwreck and I felt that my wife shouldered most of the blame. For a number of reasons I felt that our children deserved better and I was going to fight for that. I didn't think I could fix it while still in the home. We separated, went to counseling, flirted several times with divorce and then reconciled (with reservation) about a year later. 

My number one motivating factor to separate was that it was better for my children than not separating. That is not the case now even if divorce is very much still in the picture.


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## tommyr (May 25, 2014)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> It's simple ... on paper. If I was in a sexless marriage without children or in an empty nest situation, like OP, then I absolutely agree with you.


Yes it really is simple, paper or not.
Explain how your situation (children living in the house) complicates the solution I laid out for you. It worked for me, and I had 2 very young kids at the time (... we still have those kids, they are now teenagers).

I say again: You are not a powerless victim here. 
I guess a normal sexlife really isn't that important to you.
Otherwise you would fight for it instead of letting your wife force celibacy upon you.


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## arman (Jun 4, 2014)

My wife has lost almost all interest in sex for 7+ years. We may do 
it 3-4 times a year and I usually initiate it. It has been tough at times. There has probably been many reasons like kids, work, inlaws issues, inlaws living with us, not enough time alone, etc. I am 48 and was recently diagnosed with low t. Even with low t I would've liked to have sex at least 1 or 2 times a week. Now I was recently prescribed monthly injections for my low t and I am thinking about sex a whole lot more (like a 20 year old) and she still has little interest. 15 years ago, she was interested almost every day and now I can't think of anything to get her interested, it is almost depressing at times.


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## long_done (Jun 5, 2014)

Threads like this makes me so angry. I am a very patient man, was a virgin until my mid 20's, to save my virginity for that special woman. Met a great woman, who is kind, generous, and put out while we were engaged. After our child was born during the 1st year of marriage, sex rapidly became an extinct event. Turns out she was not just LD, but extremely LD, and put out enough to get me committed.

I stayed because I loved my child so much, and I cuddled with my child for the lack of affection from the partner. My child now is old enough to be fully independent and no longer wants to hug / hold the parents, so I am left without physical affection. 

I think it's cruel for a person to stay in a marriage without physical love. People are so selfish to hold out.


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## P51Geo1980 (Sep 25, 2013)

long_done said:


> Threads like this makes me so angry. I am a very patient man, was a virgin until my mid 20's, to save my virginity for that special woman. Met a great woman, who is kind, generous, and put out while we were engaged. After our child was born during the 1st year of marriage, sex rapidly became an extinct event. Turns out she was not just LD, but extremely LD, and put out enough to get me committed.
> 
> I stayed because I loved my child so much, and I cuddled with my child for the lack of affection from the partner. My child now is old enough to be fully independent and no longer wants to hug / hold the parents, so I am left without physical affection.
> 
> I think it's cruel for a person to stay in a marriage without physical love. People are so selfish to hold out.


Children are very intuitive and they can sense when something is wrong. They may not know exactly what it is, but they can sense it. Part of the reason I'm divorcing my STBXW is because I didn't want my children growing up seeing parents that didn't have any affection between them. This was the model my STBXW had for a marriage. My Ex-MIL is very dismissive of her husband, no affection towards him, my ex never even saw them hug! I grew up with parents who had no qualms about being affectionate in front of my brother and I and I learned that was what a healthy marriage is about. Why not divorce your wife? Kids are not a reason to stay in an unhappy marriage - think about everything your are teaching him/her by sticking around and being unhappy.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

tommyr said:


> Yes it really is simple, paper or not.
> Explain how your situation (children living in the house) complicates the solution I laid out for you. It worked for me, and I had 2 very young kids at the time (... we still have those kids, they are now teenagers).
> 
> I say again: You are not a powerless victim here.
> ...


I know you are here trying to provide advice. I certainly appreciate that. The advice you are providing is based on what has worked for you and that is awesome.

Your statement asserting that I haven't fought for it and that a normal sex life must not be important to me simply underscores how overly simplistic you are making it. 

I have been fighting for this for years. I cannot put into words that would accurately describe the emotional turmoil this has caused me. I have experienced all the phases of grief. As a last ditch effort, I found TAM in an effort to find some clue as to what it is I can't seem to figure out on my own. In the process, I have poured my heart out on this site. I have fought for many things in my marriage and our lives have improved significantly as a result. One thing that has not improved is our sex life.

You have fought for your sex life and won. Good. I have fought and fought and fought ... and lost. Last year on several occasions I threw down the gauntlet and did exactly as you recommended. I made it clear that I required improvements in two things for this marriage to continue - 1) communication and 2) our sex life. Not improving in both of those areas is a deal-breaker for me. In both of those areas, I made my expectations clear, answering the question "what does improvement mean". I have reminded her of this several times since that initial discussion. She refuses to engage me in the discussion and while I have seen improvements in how we communicate in other areas, our sex life has been non-existent. She would rather avoid than confront the situation, making her choice clear to me (open marriage was not offered as a choice as I am opposed to it). She either really doesn't care, which I don't believe, or she's taking the chance that I'm bluffing. At the end of the day it doesn't matter why ... we have no intimacy and that is a deal-breaker. I have fought for our sex life and lost. Now I've entered the final stage of grief ... acceptance.

I have never said I was opposed to divorce. Emotionally, I am as prepared for divorce as one can be. Fortunately for you, you didn't have to go through a divorce. Given what I've been though, it is absurd to assert that my sex life isn't very important to me. As important as that is, my daughters are more important. Maybe that's hard for some to imagine but it's true for me and it in no way lessens the importance of intimacy in my life. 

It is not an easy path to take. As others have mentioned, I do believe that the lack of affection in my marriage has a negative effect on my daughters. They may not know that we are not having sex but I know that they have observed a lack of physical affection. As I stated in a previous post, I also believe that with some exceptions that don't exist in my marriage, my daughters will be more influenced by how I interact with them than how I interact with their mother. That is difficult to do when I am not part of their daily lives. Others have mentioned as well that it does them no favors to see me and their mom unhappy. It has taken awhile to reach this point but happiness is truly a choice. You can either focus on what you don't have and remain miserable or you can focus on what you do have and be much happier. The lack of intimacy is a huge void in my life, for sure, but I can choose how much I will let that influence my overall happiness. 

Now, I can march down to the attorney's office and file tomorrow. I have the power to do that and it would be simple. Write a check, fill out the paperwork and hand them to her. That IS what I would do if there were no children living in the home. Under the circumstances, most of them part of a much bigger discussion, that would not be the responsible thing to do. There is no great way to divorce but some are better than others. I've run this through my head a thousand times. There are a few conditions that I've identified that must be met before I go down that path. Conditions I had guessed would have been met by now but haven't. There are a few "wants" that would be ideal but would not prevent a divorce ... I will fight for them though. In any case, I am determined to do this as responsibly as can be managed, particularly for my children. If that means I have to wait then so be it. My sex life IS important to me but not as important as my daughters.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Or you can declare World War III against Mrs. JSGW and get the moral satisfaction that she's as comfortable in her emotional Somalia as you are in your emotional Lebanon.

Depending on your skill level of mental warfare you can cause quite a bit of emotional carnage. It may not help the intimacy department much - if at all - but it introduces a pretty good sized white elephant in the room that neither of you is likely to forget any time soon.

The catch is it has to be done relatively subtly otherwise you risk the chance of her filing to prevent her "sanity"... 

I did this on a couple of occasions. The biggest gain is to see what her tolerance level is. 

If the marriage can't be repaired you might as well go out with a bang...


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

I saw this other day ... differences between men and women ... funny

OFFSPRING

A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.



Maybe my problem is I need to get my T checked since I'm so keenly tuned in to them


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

john117 said:


> Or you can declare World War III against Mrs. JSGW and get the moral satisfaction that she's as comfortable in her emotional Somalia as you are in your emotional Lebanon.
> 
> Depending on your skill level of mental warfare you can cause quite a bit of emotional carnage. It may not help the intimacy department much - if at all - but it introduces a pretty good sized white elephant in the room that neither of you is likely to forget any time soon.
> 
> ...


Other than the occasional car bomb, I've heard Beirut is much nicer these days ....


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> Now, I can march down to the attorney's office and file tomorrow. I have the power to do that and it would be simple. Write a check, fill out the paperwork and hand them to her.


No you won't! There is no way you will do such a thing, I expect you will continue to live a misery of your own making.

I doubt anyone can convince you to stand up and do something about it. You seem determined to provide enumerate reasons/excuses to do nothing no matter how many times you are reminded you can do better.

I am sorry that you have not reached a point where you are willing to let your misery go. I hope for your betterment that one day you will have the courage to abandon the unpalatable life you actively embrace.

If you're not happy do something about it, it really is that simple.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> I don't think it is that simple. Yes, I think that is true in some cases but certainly not all. I don't know if I would agree in my case. We have a very functional and peaceful home environment.


You've got more self control than I do by far. Living sexless made me such an angry, grumpy person that our home environment was far from peaceful.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

I think that once resentment has set in, it is very difficult to recover things.

Like many others (I hope) when I married my wife I thought it was for life.
She was never very sexual, didnt like tongue kissing and refused to give any form of oral sex. He had sex maybe 2 times a week. Though I would often get rejected.... She would accuse me of always wanting sex. What 27yr old male doesn't?
I was her first.

Child no 1 came along and he was the centre of attention, rightly. But I thought that my wife would eventually realise that I was there too. I helped with diaper changes and even came home at 3am (I was a cop so worked shifts) to do the night bottle feed because she was so tired etc.
I was surprised when our daughter arrived! Immaculate conception?!!

Over the past 12 or so years she has rebuffed my sexual advances more and more often. We have been to counselling even though she didnt think we needed it. When the importance of sex in a marriage was discussed she stopped going. 

I love having my shoulder tickled...If I asked her to tickle it the reply was always 'only if you massage my back' etc. I would make a point of massaging her back and NOT asking for anything in return. She never got the hint.

Sex with her was always very boring. No kissing...she loved receiving oral but never reciprocated - 'its disgusting'. Foreplay consisted of me massaging her back whilst she 'played' with my c0ck - though all that was important to her was me massaging her back. i would lose my erection out of boredom.
If I ever tried to discuss things with her she clammed up and refused to talk. When she did talk it was to accuse me of being a sex maniac.

Over time I simply stopped asking for tickles, stopped giving them and stopped making any advances towards her.
I now have absolutely no interest in her sexually or otherwise.
And yes I resent her for having done what she has done to our marriage.

Sex is an important part or marriage, its how men show their love etc. All I have ever wanted is to love and be loved. Go for romantic walks, argue, make up, do things together...be a true team...be 'one'. She has denied me all of it.
The thought of having sex with her repulses me - even if I do it simply to 'get off'. I would rather 'sort myself out' than have sex with her. And what adds salt to the wound is that it doesnt bother her in the slightest that I am no longer interested in sex with her.
Its been about 18 months now since we had any form of intimacy...a 'normal' wife would have started to ask questions months ago.

Why do I stay? Simply; I have a 15 year old son and a 13 yr old daughter who mean everything to me. Once the children are 18 and have more or less left the 'family nest' then I will be off too.
If I leave now I will be the ogre, the 'enemy' and won't get to 'live' with them.

Sorry to bore you all with my tales of woe!


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Gingerbread, 

Are you still around or have you been scared away?

There are so many sexless marriages out there.... You are the only one who knows what you are willing to give up to be in a loveless marriage.

People stay unhappily married because of the children. When they are gone, we have more freedom to seek out our own happiness. I hope you can be financially independent and not rely on your husband


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

john117 said:


> Or you can declare World War III against Mrs. JSGW and get the moral satisfaction that she's as comfortable in her emotional Somalia as you are in your emotional Lebanon.
> 
> Depending on your skill level of mental warfare you can cause quite a bit of emotional carnage. It may not help the intimacy department much - if at all - but it introduces a pretty good sized white elephant in the room that neither of you is likely to forget any time soon.
> 
> ...


This is very tempting indeed! However, one would be stooping to 'her' level. Whilst denying your husband sex is not physical abuse I would certainly see it as mental abuse.

Although going out with a bang sounds great I think I would rather keep the moral high ground.....and not stoop to her level.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Whether life is good or it sucks depends on how I choose to perceive it and not whether or not my wife has sex. Whether she is a good woman or an evil, withholding bat, depends on how I choose to perceive her. 
I choose to be as happy and content as possible. Being miserable won't change things even slightly. For over a decade, I've done all any human could do besides leave and nothing has worked. It is what it is and even without sex, life can still be pretty good. I love lots of people in my life that I don't have sex with. If we were both 30 and healthy, I'd probably bail, but I'm over 50, she's getting close to that age. She has assorted medical issues and couldn't support herself if I left. The next woman might have more vexing issues. The only logical course is to accept life as it is, focus on the positives, and learn to love it.


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## long_done (Jun 5, 2014)

unbelievable said:


> Whether life is good or it sucks depends on how I choose to perceive it and not whether or not my wife has sex. Whether she is a good woman or an evil, withholding bat, depends on how I choose to perceive her.
> I choose to be as happy and content as possible. Being miserable won't change things even slightly. For over a decade, I've done all any human could do besides leave and nothing has worked. It is what it is and even without sex, life can still be pretty good. I love lots of people in my life that I don't have sex with. If we were both 30 and healthy, I'd probably bail, but I'm over 50, she's getting close to that age. She has assorted medical issues and couldn't support herself if I left. The next woman might have more vexing issues. The only logical course is to accept life as it is, focus on the positives, and learn to love it.


Yes that's the other part of the equation - how likely are you to find someone you can really partner with and get alone with if you're older.

I have friends in their late 40's / 50's who have never married. They have tried all of the dating sites, gone to local meetups, and have never met anyone close to what they are looking for.

However for me, I don't care, I'd rather be single than be in a loveless marriage - the prospect of at least trying is appealing enough to me, than staying in a legal friendship.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

unbelievable said:


> Whether life is good or it sucks depends on how I choose to perceive it and not whether or not my wife has sex. Whether she is a good woman or an evil, withholding bat, depends on how I choose to perceive her.
> I choose to be as happy and content as possible. Being miserable won't change things even slightly. For over a decade, I've done all any human could do besides leave and nothing has worked. It is what it is and even without sex, life can still be pretty good. I love lots of people in my life that I don't have sex with. If we were both 30 and healthy, I'd probably bail, but I'm over 50, she's getting close to that age. She has assorted medical issues and couldn't support herself if I left. The next woman might have more vexing issues. The only logical course is to accept life as it is, focus on the positives, and learn to love it.


Wow you are one of few men on the board who don't have plans to leave when the children are grown. This is my thinking too. My sexless marriage is caused by medical reasons too so I don't feel the rejection and resentment a lot of spouses of sexless marriages on the board feel. I focus on the great qualities of my husband and our marriage. I have to think as a man how difficult it would be to not have sex for the rest of your life. I don't think being over 50 would preclude you from meeting someone else but I give you props for honoring your marriage vows and staying with your wife.


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## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> = "Mommy and Daddy are getting a divorce and Daddy will only get to see you every other weekend because Daddy wants to get laid and Mommy doesn't want to." I don't believe in being dishonest with your children but in some cases it isn't helpful to be completely transparent.


This is ridiculous and you know this is not what is being suggested. There is plenty more going on than lack of sex. There is zero affection between you and your wife. You separated once and then reconciled, you may simply be honest with your children and say that you did try very hard to make it work but it is not working and you are unhappy. I firmly believe you are a better parent when you are happy than when you are not. I also suspect your girls will likely not be all that terribly surprised should your marriage disintegrate. While they see you and your wife share no affection, they see other couples do. And putting on a front that all is peaceful at home is a lie no matter how you slice it. So saying you do not believe in being dishonest with your children is a gross contradiction.



JustSomeGuyWho said:


> =I believe that children do look at your marriage as a model but at the same time I believe it is more important that *they look at me and how I interact with them as their model of how a man should treat them*. That is difficult to do if I see them on Wednesday nights and every other weekend and am not there for them on a daily basis.


You interacting with them reflects how a father treats their children, not how a man should treat them. They know the difference. Guess what, many children STILL get very involved mothers and fathers when they are no longer together, to imply otherwise is false. It's not like you'd move to a different state. I agree with the poster that stated intimacy and love and respect from a partner is not as important to you as you think. There is no point in making demands about what you find acceptable to your wife if there is no consequence. She knows that you're not going anywhere so she will never even be remotely motivated to address your unhappiness. You will always make excuses as to why you cannot leave, and as long as you continue to do that you are equally responsible for the situation. Good luck.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Happilymarried25 said:


> Wow you are one of few men on the board who don't have plans to leave when the children are grown. This is my thinking too. My sexless marriage is caused by medical reasons too so I don't feel the rejection and resentment a lot of spouses of sexless marriages on the board feel. I focus on the great qualities of my husband and our marriage. I have to think as a man how difficult it would be to not have sex for the rest of your life. I don't think being over 50 would preclude you from meeting someone else but I give you props for honoring your marriage vows and staying with your wife.


It's not a matter of not being able to find someone else. Sex partners are a dime a dozen. Even at my age, I get flirted with and hit on all the time. Probably the uniform. I've had sex for years from the sublime to the freaky but it never made me any wiser, didn't put an extra dime in my pocket, didn't make me perform better on my job, didn't make me a better father or person. Don't believe I'll be on my death bed at 90 wishing I had gotten more nookie. Sex is great, I enjoyed it, spent way too much time pursuing it, thinking about it, worrying about it, being pissed about not getting it. In a way, it's liberating to be able to focus on other things. 
My wife is crazy, but they all are. She's the kind of crazy I know I can live with. That is the mission for every man who wishes to be married...to find a brand of crazy you can live with. Mine isn't running up the credit cards, worshiping the devil, cooking meth, or banging the neighbor, putting rat poison in the casserole or setting me on fire in my sleep. Life could be worse. 
I made a promise without knowing what the future might bring and either my word is worth something or it aint.


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## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> *My wife is crazy, but they all are.* She's the kind of crazy I know I can live with. That is the mission for every man who wishes to be married...to find a brand of crazy you can live with.


Your name suits you to a tee. Your line of thinking is definitely "unbelievable". Not hard to see why you are less than satisfied with your life, branding every woman 'crazy'....likely the poor choices you've made in women is what has been crazy.This kind of post makes me realize even more how much I hit the jackpot with my husband.

Think this warrants a TAM break.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> I saw this other day ... differences between men and women ... funny
> 
> OFFSPRING
> 
> ...


Yes, being too tuned to them will empower your inner vagina, which cannot be good for T.


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## Gingerbread (Nov 4, 2013)

I am here reading and soaking it all in.

I appreciate everyone's input. I feel it is easy to say what you would do if you were in the position but it is truly different if you live it.

My husband is a good man, and even with everything, I don't want to hurt him or my children. Our marriage is far from perfect. Maybe if it was stronger I could be more accepting of a sexless marriage.

I have mentioned separation/divorce. He said he would see a MC but not a sex therapist. I told him if he wanted to save the marriage, he would have to take the initiative. He called his EAP and received a referral. That was over a week ago. His actions will show me more than his words.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

larry.gray said:


> You've got more self control than I do by far. Living sexless made me such an angry, grumpy person that our home environment was far from peaceful.


I was very much at that point. I had to reach a low point before I could decide that isn't who I wanted to be and I wasn't going to let my circumstances dictate my happiness ... and more importantly, my well-being.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

treyvion said:


> Yes, being too tuned to them will empower your inner vagina, which cannot be good for T.


lol


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

daffodilly said:


> Your name suits you to a tee. Your line of thinking is definitely "unbelievable". Not hard to see why you are less than satisfied with your life, branding every woman 'crazy'....likely the poor choices you've made in women is what has been crazy.This kind of post makes me realize even more how much I hit the jackpot with my husband.
> 
> Think this warrants a TAM break.


Why don't you lighten up a tad? It's a tongue in cheek, half-assed attempt at dark humor of a guy who's earned the right in spades. It's not an actual medical diagnosis. In the eyes of any straight male, women seem bizarre, some all the time, and the rest of them, some of the time. I expect men seem pretty bizarre to women. Our minds do not operate the same. My little joke may have seemed incredibly offensive to you but every straight married man on earth "gets" it.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> I was very much at that point. I had to reach a low point before I could decide that isn't who I wanted to be and I wasn't going to let my circumstances dictate my happiness ... and more importantly, my well-being.



You don't have to be angry to make life, how to put it mildly, inconvenient for others.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Personal said:


> No you won't! There is no way you will do such a thing, I expect you will continue to live a misery of your own making.
> 
> I doubt anyone can convince you to stand up and do something about it. You seem determined to provide enumerate reasons/excuses to do nothing no matter how many times you are reminded you can do better.
> 
> ...


Well, you can believe what you want. It's not your misery and your choices don't impact my children.

I have very much reached the point where I'm willing to let my misery go as I've said several times. I am at peace with the idea of divorce. I have also said that I've run this through my head a thousand times ... and I've asked the question, are these just excuses? I have already been to the attorney's office for a consultation so that I know what to expect. Having been through a separation and flirting with divorce several times, I think I have a reasonable understanding of what to expect from my wife. I understand where my daughters are at in their emotional development. I have enough information to decide how to do this responsibly. The conditions I have are achievable but they require some patience. Do I have doubts and fears? Sure, sometimes and I do talk about them here ... but that is just noise ... I know what I have to do. 

I'm sorry if I don't conform to the emotional response of "fvck this and fvck you, I'm outta here cause I gotta get laid." There are moments where I have a strong urge to do just that but fortunately I've had the sense to keep those impulses under control. 

Do you ever get the urge to beat the crap out of some moron on the road ... say the guy in front of you who thinks you are driving too close and keeps hitting his brakes ... or the guy in the bimmer who thinks that going 10 mph over the speed limit is too slow and is aggressively riding your butt honking his horn and flashing his lights. If I succumbed to my impulses, I'd have a felony record right now


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Gingerbread said:


> I am here reading and soaking it all in.
> 
> I appreciate everyone's input. I feel it is easy to say what you would do if you were in the position but it is truly different if you live it.
> 
> ...


Gingerbread, 

As you can see, people get very defensive on this sexless topic. On some level, my wife and I have been together so long that I can't imagine being without her. Other times, I dream of the time I can freely approach a woman I find interesting and introduce myself...

Wait a minute....I can do that now...Women just don't know how to respond when I tell them that my marriage is open. I am working on a better delivery...

Gingerbread...

What does your husband expect you to do as far as sex? He has to know how frustrating it is for you.

Not that an open marriage would work for you... It's not working the way I was initially thinking. We have more sex now, its just not as loving as I would like...

Even with it being a medical issue, does he expect you to be go without sex forever?


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Trickster said:


> Gingerbread,
> 
> As you can see, people get very defensive on this sexless topic. On some level, my wife and I have been together so long that I can't imagine being without her. Other times, I dream of the time I can freely approach a woman I find interesting and introduce myself...
> 
> ...


So both you and the wife take on outside sex partners?


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

treyvion said:


> So both you and the wife take on outside sex partners?


My wife has absolutely no sex drive. She never did. She is 50 pounds overweight, doesn't exercise, her back always hurts, hasn't been to the dentist in over three years, too lazy to shave her legs, doesn't dress up to look good, wears baggy extra large shirts because she believes it covers her large hips. She has no urge to have sex with me or anybody else. Doesn't want to get checked out for thyroid or any other possibility...

Since the open marriage contract, I talk about other women and when I have a lunch date with them. If I want to pursue a relationship with them or interested in them, I let my wife know. From the definition of an EA on TAM, I definitely have several going on. I just don't hide it. I just know my wife wants more sex when she believes another woman shows interest in me. She acts like she doesn't care. 

I haven't had sex with any other woman in over 22 years. On some level, that scares the heck out of me. I am just practicing being single, learning how to talk to women, and building my confidence. I am not afraid of D anymore. For now, I guess I can have my cake and eat it too. I can stay married, be home for my daughter and have sex a couple times a week with my wife. Now that I don't have to jump through hoops for sex, everything is better for now.

I do believe when I do have sex with another woman, our sex life will be totally over. My wife didn't say that, but that's just what I think she will do. 

So I don't think I will have a ONS. I am having fun getting to know other women.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gingerbread (Nov 4, 2013)

Trickster said:


> Gingerbread,
> 
> Gingerbread...
> 
> ...


I don't he even thinks of that. In the past he has told me that most women can't have orgasms and I must be one of them. And that the books i read (romance/erotica) do not accurately portray women and sex. I expect too much.

In my frustration/anger I have told him that I have in the last decade plus been disappointed with our sex life and sex itself. I don't want to be disappointed anymore. He said he wasn't even aware of this until the last year. I feel like I was a receptacle, he never would listen to my wants/needs. With his ED I think he probably was worried if he would be successful or not. However, his idea of successful clearly did not match mine.

I don't want to hurt him but I'm tired of being hurt. If we were in our eighties and had had a wild crazy sex life I think I could do this. He is happy with companionship. To the outside world we are a happy loving couple.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

daffodilly said:


> *This is ridiculous and you know this is not what is being suggested. There is plenty more going on than lack of sex. There is zero affection between you and your wife. You separated once and then reconciled, you may simply be honest with your children and say that you did try very hard to make it work but it is not working and you are unhappy. I firmly believe you are a better parent when you are happy than when you are not. I also suspect your girls will likely not be all that terribly surprised should your marriage disintegrate. While they see you and your wife share no affection, they see other couples do. And putting on a front that all is peaceful at home is a lie no matter how you slice it. So saying you do not believe in being dishonest with your children is a gross contradiction.
> *
> Of course it is ridiculous and it was intentionally so. You asserted that if I wait until my children are out of the home and then divorce, they will interpret that as living a lie. My point was that can be navigated just as I can navigate through leaving today as you just provided in your example. I don't believe it is true that one is better than the other so you can use it as justification for divorce now rather than later but it comes across as a self-serving justification.
> 
> ...


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Gingerbread said:


> I don't he even thinks of that. In the past he has told me that most women can't have orgasms and I must be one of them. And that the books i read (romance/erotica) do not accurately portray women and sex. I expect too much.
> 
> In my frustration/anger I have told him that I have in the last decade plus been disappointed with our sex life and sex itself. I don't want to be disappointed anymore. He said he wasn't even aware of this until the last year. I feel like I was a receptacle, he never would listen to my wants/needs. With his ED I think he probably was worried if he would be successful or not. However, his idea of successful clearly did not match mine.
> 
> I don't want to hurt him but I'm tired of being hurt. If we were in our eighties and had had a wild crazy sex life I think I could do this. He is happy with companionship. To the outside world we are a happy loving couple.



Reading the other posters regarding why they are staying in a sexless loveless marriage and the ones who decided to Divorce... Are you happy that you stayed all this time?

If you want a way to just cope....just fill your days with outside hobby's. 

My daughter is 10 and she has a few good friends. In a very short time, she will be spending her time with her friends..not mom and dad...on days when I plan to spend with her, everything changes and she hangs with a friend...she is growing up...

That's where my hobby's come in to play... I have things to do a way from my wife.... I hope she wakes up before I am totally gone..

I want more than the emotionless/ passionless/duty sex I get with her...

It's good that you told your husband how you feel with your needs...

What will happen when you take away the companionship you have with your husband?

What will happen when you are off discovering new interest without him?

What will you do when a man comes along and gives you some much desired attention?

You are not that old...Men in their 40's may find you attractive....


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Trickster said:


> You are not that old...Men in their 40's may find you attractive....


I'm 46 ... I know a number of women in their 50's, even late 50's, that I find attractive. Good thing too because I think women that are my age prefer younger men these days, lol.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

You cope by coping

You know you and when you are you then you are you

That makes YOU.

The problem with sexless marriage is it distracts from YOU when its not you at all it is simply her.

After a while you see this and I guess accept it.

I think its easier to take the stance if she isn't into you for sex then that's it there is the answer. Deal with it. Get back to you.
Sex is overrated when you really analyze it. Not worth the hassle with an unwilling spouse.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Marry the right person. This one decision will determine 90% of your happiness or misery.”


― H. Jackson Brown Jr., P.S. I Love You


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

And if the right person changes, good luck with that.

Lower your expectations and you will be happier...


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> Do you ever get the urge to beat the crap out of some moron on the road ...


No, I don't get the urge to do that.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Personal said:


> JustSomeGuyWho said:
> 
> 
> > Do you ever get the urge to beat the crap out of some moron on the road ...
> ...


Ha! Obviously I was talking about avoiding making decisions or taking action based on impulse and emotion ... not about actually beating the crap out of someone. Even so ... I have come across aggressive drivers intentionally trying to screw with me, putting my life in danger, that I had a strong urge to beat some sense into 

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Buy a smaller but powerful car. The experience of small cars teaches one to be extremely anticipating on the road and the ability to hit 60 mph in 7 sec should not be underestimated either.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

john117 said:


> Buy a smaller but powerful car. The experience of small cars teaches one to be extremely anticipating on the road and the ability to hit 60 mph in 7 sec should not be underestimated either.


 I actually do drive a small car ... probably happens more in a small car. I saw this a few weeks ago. I was traveling down the local interstate on a busy section. There was an older guy driving a 70's era car going about the speed limit in the passing lane. There was a younger lady driving behind him ... probably too closely but certainly not riding his bumper ... in heavy traffic she was no closer than anybody else. Suddenly he starts hitting his brakes. She backed off a little but he slammed on his brakes again. Wisely, she got into my lane to get away from this guy. He flipped her the finger and then took off. If I was a cop and saw that he would be going to court.

I had a very unnerving incident in Dallas maybe 15 years ago. I'm an IT guy and was working late doing late night IT guy stuff . I took a break and ran out to the 7-11 around the corner after dark in a not-so-great neighborhood. I was on my way back and was suddenly blinded by a light in my rear view mirror. A van was right on my butt ... and he was gunning his engine ... and then he rammed me, not once but twice. I had no idea what this guy's issue was but I hit the gas pedal and took off, expecting a chase. In my rear view mirror I saw him do a u-turn . I did a very impressive (if I do say so myself) tire-screeching movie style u-turn and tried to catch up with him hoping to get his plate. Too late, he took off and I got stuck at a light. For the life of me I couldn't figure out what this guy's deal was, he came out of nowhere. 

Anyway, this has nothing to do with the subject but I needed to take a break from work for a minute


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## learning to love myself (Apr 18, 2013)

Gingerbread said:


> I am struggling with my sexless marriage. I have written before and have received a lot of great advice which I appreciate. But right now I would like to hear from those who are experiencing a sexless marriage....as in no sex. I am not looking for advice on the medical causes or cures but more on the emotional issues. How do you cope? How do you not build resentment. Do you kiss passionately? I am hoping someone can help.


I wont give you advice as I ended up being resentful, hateful and selfish and cheated on my husband. I tried to cope with the feelings and the more I felt rejected the more I felt entitled to a moment of happiness.

I cheated after 21 years of being together and I honestly cant remember how many years we were sexless, I just know we would be intimate maybe once a year and it left me feeling alone and sad. My husband didn't have medical issues.

In August it will be 3 years and we are in some kind of reconcilement. He is now very sexual towards me but I feel its for all the wrong reasons, if I didn't feel rejected and sad before, I now get to also live with the fact that I'm a cheater and a horrible person.

I told my husband with words that I was unhappy for years and was to young to be in a sexless marriage, he always half smiled and said maybe tomorrow we can make time. He to this day says his life was perfect until I effed it up. 

I wish I had just left, I let the resentment eat me up. It is a very selfish thing for the person you love to not give you the things you need, there are many ways to make you feel loved and fulfilled it doesn't have to be PIV and with todays medicine I think it becomes an excuse not to look into getting help.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

learning to love myself said:


> I wont give you advice as I ended up being resentful, hateful and selfish and cheated on my husband. I tried to cope with the feelings and the more I felt rejected the more I felt entitled to a moment of happiness.
> 
> I cheated after 21 years of being together and I honestly cant remember how many years we were sexless, I just know we would be intimate maybe once a year and it left me feeling alone and sad. My husband didn't have medical issues.
> 
> ...


It's amazing that the days were perfect with him leaving you PIV sexless for years. That you kept mentioning it and he would say, "maybe tommorrow", for years. That's lying. 

Yes if sexual relations and intimacy was important to you, you should have left.


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## learning to love myself (Apr 18, 2013)

treyvion said:


> It's amazing that the days were perfect with him leaving you PIV sexless for years. That you kept mentioning it and he would say, "maybe tommorrow", for years. That's lying.
> 
> Yes if sexual relations and intimacy was important to you, you should have left.


I agree, I should have left. 

I was filled with guilt of breaking up the family because I needed something as trivial as sex. 

He says to me at least once a month and in fact this weekend. His life was perfect, why did I feel the need to mess it all up. how can two people see things so different?

I guess from his perspective it was perfect, he didn't work and got to do what he wanted when he wanted, I would come home clean house, cook the meals and keep my mouth shut for the most part, until I would break and then it would all start over.

Its my fault for being accommodating & a broken woman.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

learning to love myself said:


> I agree, I should have left.
> 
> I was filled with guilt of breaking up the family because I needed something as trivial as sex.
> 
> ...


I think a year of being sex starved or intimacy starved or neglected is a reasonable time period to decide to cheat or leave. None of us is perfect on this earth. I am developing no problem to cheating as a last ditch effort because it may unstick things and get them moving, IE getting your husband to take you serious. I don't think he would have a right to punish you regarding the circumstances, because if he was doing what he should you wouldn't have wanted to step outside.

Do not feel worthless, feel human. At least your cheating wasn't based soley on lust and greed. You had needs that had been overlooked and swept under the rug for too long insulting your intelligence along the way.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

learning to love myself said:


> I wont give you advice as I ended up being resentful, hateful and selfish and cheated on my husband. I tried to cope with the feelings and the more I felt rejected the more I felt entitled to a moment of happiness.
> 
> I cheated after 21 years of being together and I honestly cant remember how many years we were sexless, I just know we would be intimate maybe once a year and it left me feeling alone and sad. My husband didn't have medical issues.
> 
> ...


You are not a horrible person. You made a poor choice under emotional distress. 

I was at a place where resentment and anger was eating me alive. It preoccupied my thoughts and even physically it was taking a toll. I felt so alone I couldn't stand it. I didn't cheat but *I hold no moral high ground*. I didn't cheat because an opportunity didn't present itself. The right person, time and place and in that frame of mind, I very well could have cheated. Mentally and emotionally I was available to cheat and I don't think that makes me any better than someone who has completed the act.

We've worked through a lot of our problems and the anger and resentment is gone for the most part. Part of that is simply that I no longer have expectations. I know what the deal is and because I have chosen the path I'm taking, I deserve what I get. I am STILL very alone and that is a problem but it isn't one that will be resolved by cheating. I can say that now but only because I am at a very different place with a completely different frame of mind.


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## learning to love myself (Apr 18, 2013)

treyvion said:


> I think a year of being sex starved or intimacy starved or neglected is a reasonable time period to decide to cheat or leave. None of us is perfect on this earth. I am developing no problem to cheating as a last ditch effort because it may unstick things and get them moving, IE getting your husband to take you serious. I don't think he would have a right to punish you regarding the circumstances, because if he was doing what he should you wouldn't have wanted to step outside.
> 
> Do not feel worthless, feel human. At least your cheating wasn't based soley on lust and greed. You had needs that had been overlooked and swept under the rug for too long insulting your intelligence along the way.


Thank You, I have become my own worst enemy.

I'm sure part of that is being raised catholic, I can never repent enough, I feel guilty about feeling guilty.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

treyvion said:


> I think a year of being sex starved or intimacy starved or neglected is a reasonable time period to decide to cheat or leave.



Except that it does not always happen this quick, but gradually, like boiling a lobster. By the time you're in the monthly club it's too late. And often times even earlier.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

john117 said:


> Except that it does not always happen this quick, but gradually, like boiling a lobster. By the time you're in the monthly club it's too late. And often times even earlier.


Your probably right. Going forward even letting it get as bad as monthly means your pretty much dead in the relationship.

If they catch you cheating their pride might make them step up the ante, but on TAM while many of the relationship partners have stepped up their game, they only do it to real the HD back in and then the revert to their normal LD game.


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## ifweonly (Feb 27, 2014)

I am not an expert but I have had some experience speaking to men about their inability to achieve an erection. I do not want to sound like a broken record but my personal experience with a penile implant convinced me to encourage other men to seek this "addition". 

The gain is a guys vastly improved self esteem but not the least which would a satisfied wife. Yes, it is surgery but 6 -8 weeks post surgery an oh so natural and firm erection on demand. Yes, the penis may not be quite as long (I lost about 1/8th inch) but there was a significant increase in the girth; your woman will just love you for that!!!

Sooo that is my two cents worth and I hope some men take what I have penned here and are motivated to do something about their erection challenges. The Best to All!


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

ifweonly said:


> I am not an expert but I have had some experience speaking to men about their inability to achieve an erection. I do not want to sound like a broken record but my personal experience with a penile implant convinced me to encourage other men to seek this "addition".
> 
> The gain is a guys vastly improved self esteem but not the least which would a satisfied wife. Yes, it is surgery but 6 -8 weeks post surgery an oh so natural and firm erection on demand. Yes, the penis may not be quite as long (I lost about 1/8th inch) but there was a significant increase in the girth; your woman will just love you for that!!!
> 
> Sooo that is my two cents worth and I hope some men take what I have penned here and are motivated to do something about their erection challenges. The Best to All!


Way back in the day in high school and college over the summer and during breaks I worked at Duke in the operating room as a surgical attendant. Being very young I thought it was funny but that procedure was very common. Once I had to drive over to another hospital to pick one up from their operating room and I remember being quite embarrassed having to tell them "I'm here to pickup a penile implant." I got the job primarily because my mom was in charge of the recovery room. She used to tell stories about "dirty old men" who would come into the recovery room and proposition the nurses to help them test it out 

Interesting note about girth. If I ran into trouble in that area where there was no good solution, I would have no problem having that done. Then I would have to find somebody to test it out on 

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

ifweonly said:


> I am not an expert but I have had some experience speaking to men about their inability to achieve an erection. I do not want to sound like a broken record but my personal experience with a penile implant convinced me to encourage other men to seek this "addition".
> 
> The gain is a guys vastly improved self esteem but not the least which would a satisfied wife. Yes, it is surgery but 6 -8 weeks post surgery an oh so natural and firm erection on demand. Yes, the penis may not be quite as long (I lost about 1/8th inch) but there was a significant increase in the girth; your woman will just love you for that!!!
> 
> Sooo that is my two cents worth and I hope some men take what I have penned here and are motivated to do something about their erection challenges. The Best to All!


For many of the men here who have become ED the best addition to their sex life will be a willing woman who actually strongly lusts and desires them. Then they have to once again believe that they deserve this and let the past experience with ED go.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

ifweonly said:


> I am not an expert but I have had some experience speaking to men about their inability to achieve an erection. I do not want to sound like a broken record but my personal experience with a penile implant convinced me to encourage other men to seek this "addition".
> 
> The gain is a guys vastly improved self esteem but not the least which would a satisfied wife. Yes, it is surgery but 6 -8 weeks post surgery an oh so natural and firm erection on demand. Yes, the penis may not be quite as long (I lost about 1/8th inch) but there was a significant increase in the girth; your woman will just love you for that!!!
> 
> Sooo that is my two cents worth and I hope some men take what I have penned here and are motivated to do something about their erection challenges. The Best to All!


Good for you, and your wife. My husband has mentioned this operation in frustration at times but I would never bring it up or suggest he do this.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

treyvion said:


> For many of the men here who have become ED the best addition to their sex life will be a willing woman who actually strongly lusts and desires them. Then they have to once again believe that they deserve this and let the past experience with ED go.


Me Me I'm that women, but my husband has a low t count so most nights he would rather watch hockey or basketball or sleep than be intimate with me. I'd love to make out with him every night. I belong to a fourm of women who are with men who have ED and we all say that if we didn't want to be with our husbands sexually so much it wouldn't upset us that we weren't having sex. It would easier to leave or just live in a sexless marriage. It wouldn't hurt to be rejected.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Happilymarried25 said:


> Me Me I'm that women, but my husband has a low t count so most nights he would rather watch hockey or basketball or sleep than be intimate with me. I'd love to make out with him every night. I belong to a fourm of women who are with men who have ED and we all say that if we didn't want to be with our husbands sexually so much it wouldn't upset us that we weren't having sex. It would easier to leave or just live in a sexless marriage. It wouldn't hurt to be rejected.


That must suck. It must suck as bad as it is to be a man with an LD wife and you still desire sex. Or you still desire sex normally and watch your sex drive and motivations get dragged down to match your partners... To Zero... What a life. How can someone who cares and loves you allow this to happen?


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Gingerbread-

I hope your getting something from this thread. If anything, you are not alone. There are many going through the same thing.

It doesn't seem like you will leave your husband over sex, or the lack of... Many people stay married out of fear of not ever finding that whole package...love, lust, sex, intimacy, affection, friendship, all in one package. Does that exist?

What if we D our LD spouse and never find what we want? 

We D our life partner and we emotionally hurt them. 



Which is worse? 


Gingerbread, I hope your husband gets himself checked out... After all these years, does it matter?

Is it too late?

What would your husband say or do if you started talking about how hot some man looks...some actor or neighbor, friend, coworker... Let him know your mind is on sex...


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Trickster said:


> Gingerbread-
> 
> I hope your getting something from this thread. If anything, you are not alone. There are many going through the same thing.
> 
> It doesn't seem like you will leave your husband over sex, or the lack of... Many people stay married out of fear of not ever finding that whole package...love, lust, sex, intimacy, affection, friendship, all in one package. Does that exist?


YES! It exists. Do we have to stay married to someone who has fallen out of the "lover" role, or can we add someone else to perform that role for us while we transition to being single and possibly in a relation where all of our needs are met.



Trickster said:


> What if we D our LD spouse and never find what we want?
> 
> We D our life partner and we emotionally hurt them.


Well that person was taking a great percentage of your enjoyment of life away by not being sexual with you.

Like I said, perhaps they don't have to be a lover of yours, but more of an associate or friend. Sometimes people don't stay in the role they started in.



Trickster said:


> Which is worse?
> 
> 
> Gingerbread, I hope your husband gets himself checked out... After all these years, does it matter?
> ...


He may as well. Get T-levels check and psychology and physical.
There's a lot of good out of it he can receive for himself.



Trickster said:


> What would your husband say or do if you started talking about how hot some man looks...some actor or neighbor, friend, coworker... Let him know your mind is on sex...


Great tactic. Also social proofing, maybe being a little too close or flirting with some male friends. Most men will want to claim whats theirs and will do whats required.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

treyvion said:


> That must suck. It must suck as bad as it is to be a man with an LD wife and you still desire sex. Or you still desire sex normally and watch your sex drive and motivations get dragged down to match your partners... To Zero... What a life. How can someone who cares and loves you allow this to happen?


My husband would probably say he has no desire, he wants to watch whatever game is on and/or he is tired. He get up at 4 am for work so he goes to bed about 9 and watches whatever game is on in the bedroom. I come up after I hear him getting dressed to cuddle with him while he watches the game. A few days ago I came up and he looked a bit upset and said "Do you need to come up right away?" I said what's the big deal? He said from on wait 20 minutes before coming up. I said why? He said so I can get dressed and situated in bed. I said it takes you 5 minutes to get dressed and in bed. He said I like to check my emails on my phone. I said you just got off the computer. I said odds are you will just fall asleep in that time. He said I might.

So just to aggravate him and because it's a stupid rule I wait 10 minutes to come up and he always says It's not 20 minutes yet. I ignore him and get ready for bed. Sometimes I feel like saying that any normal husband would be happy to have a wife that wants to spend time with him in bed. I don't, we both know he doesn't have the same feelings a normal man has toward his wife in the bedroom.


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## Gingerbread (Nov 4, 2013)

Trickster
You are correct about there being strong feelings on this subject. I know I have to find my own path. My H has still not called the marriage counselor after calling his EAP. He will not go to a sex therapist and will definitely not get an implant. It is just not who he is. And this may be cruel but he has never been a good lover. I don't have much to compare him to but I know there is more. Even if he could have sex I don't know if I would want to have it with him. I am tired of being disappointed. He would be so happy that he could perform he would forget about me. (based on the last 14 years)

As long as I'm busy I will be ok. Some days are harder than others. I read TAM quite a bit and would give anything to have the questions some people have. "To pound or not to pound" I just hope those people in loving relationships don't take them for granted.


I read another site regarding of women being divorced in their 50s. More than half stated that they were alone but happy. There are many single women but not that many men. So with that I do wonder if things would be worse for me alone. I would still be lonely but then add financial stress to it.

I have been researching the divorce laws in my state. With our children grown, it would make it a lot easier. 

The one thing I have decided to to is GAL outside of my husband's. Just need to find the perfect outlet.

Thank you for all the suggestions.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> I want to add ... I'm at a point now where I realize that worse than 'wasting' my prime years is that I allowed it to sap my energy and positivity. That was my real failure. That had to stop. I obviously still struggle with it ... some days, like yesterday, worse than others .... but things have gotten better and will continue to get better. While I don't have great advice for OP on how to cope, I can share at least that.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* on Android_






I realize that myself. 



It's pretty scary in my case because I'm starting to sympathize with her lack of interest in me.



Yet I know that that is not how it began. Not that understanding "how" makes a difference at this point.



Starting to pull myself out of this hole.



Can confirm it can be draining, depressing.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Gingerbread said:


> Trickster
> You are correct about there being strong feelings on this subject. I know I have to find my own path. My H has still not called the marriage counselor after calling his EAP. He will not go to a sex therapist and will definitely not get an implant. It is just not who he is. And this may be cruel but he has never been a good lover. I don't have much to compare him to but I know there is more. Even if he could have sex I don't know if I would want to have it with him. I am tired of being disappointed. He would be so happy that he could perform he would forget about me. (based on the last 14 years)
> 
> As long as I'm busy I will be ok. Some days are harder than others. I read TAM quite a bit and would give anything to have the questions some people have. "To pound or not to pound" I just hope those people in loving relationships don't take them for granted.
> ...


Yeah, "the pound or not to pound" makes me sad. I find it hard to read.

I wonder though if being alone has more to do with their choices than fate. I know a number of people who are in their 50's with active dating lives. If you are sitting at home alone wondering why you are alone then you've pretty much answered the question. You have to be willing to put yourself out there.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

askari said:


> I think that once resentment has set in, it is very difficult to recover things.
> 
> 
> 
> ...





Not bored. Very familiar.



In my case, I was a 26 yo virgin when we met, and she was not averse to sex, though not as enthusiastic as I.



From child 1 I was cutoff and mostly ignored. Miracle conception for child 2. Resentment now in both she and I.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Gingerbread-

Are you saying that if he suddenly found his mojo, he would seeknout another woman? 


Finances?

There is a single woman in my community.... Actually many single women. One has a new single/divorced female friend roommate. 

Look into roommates.com


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Marital warfare is great for venting out excess steam. If you come home every day and make it seem things are normal, you should reconsider.

Spread the love - or lack thereof -... No point in pretending things are normal. 

Don't feel sorry for your spouse. Call them out on their oblivious behavior and maintain the minimum verbal contact needed to run the house. It's not easy but if you are smart you can make them, umm, uncomfortable just by being there.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

OP,



To cope, I chose to stop hoping for it. I chose to stop believing it would happen, and took matters into my own hand, so to speak, so that at least some component of desire was attenuated.



That helped with my sanity, day to day. But, it also ended the cycle where once every four months I would feel close to her for a few days and think maybe she felt something towards me. In other words, it helped me end the lie I would tell myself.



I am sorry you are in this situation. Yours has an extra layer of confusion, perhaps (because of the medical issues). Still, if he is not doing what he can sexually for you, it would seem quite natural to me for resentment to creep in. 



Unspoken and unresolved resentments are like rust.



My advise: Be honest with yourself. If he is not doing what he can, and it bothers you, talk directly about it. If what he can do would never be enough anyways for you, face that -- at least -- squarely yourself.



Consider IC, so you have someone to help you be accountable to your future self while it still matters.



Life is short. You deserve happiness. You cannot fix everything. Living authentically is better than the alternatives.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> Yeah, "the pound or not to pound" makes me sad. I find it hard to read.




Hmmm. Confused. I assumed that was just another cooking thread, focused on an issue incompatible with vegetarian lifestyle.


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## P51Geo1980 (Sep 25, 2013)

Gingerbread said:


> Trickster
> You are correct about there being strong feelings on this subject. I know I have to find my own path. My H has still not called the marriage counselor after calling his EAP. He will not go to a sex therapist and will definitely not get an implant. It is just not who he is. And this may be cruel but he has never been a good lover. I don't have much to compare him to but I know there is more. Even if he could have sex I don't know if I would want to have it with him. I am tired of being disappointed. He would be so happy that he could perform he would forget about me. (based on the last 14 years)


He won't call a marriage counselor. He'll just say he will and hope you either forget about it drop the issue altogether. My STBXW just flat out said "no" every time I asked to go to counseling. In the end I just stopped asking because I knew she didn't want to go. She was happy in her life and didn't care that I was extremely unhappy. For her, things were good and they would only get better because as a nurse in CA, I would be making quite a bit of money. She only wanted counseling after she was served with divorce papers, but by that time it was too late for me - I no longer wanted to save the marriage. I had tried for a few years with absolutely no results. She would promise to change, change for a little while, then when she thought I was satisfied she'd go back to how she was. This was an ongoing cycle with her. In the end, it needed to be broken.



Gingerbread said:


> As long as I'm busy I will be ok. Some days are harder than others. I read TAM quite a bit and would give anything to have the questions some people have. "To pound or not to pound" I just hope those people in loving relationships don't take them for granted.


That's what I did to keep my mind off of my sexless marriage - and it helped quite a bit. I threw myself into my studies, which paid off since I graduated in the top 5 of my class. I found that as long as I kept myself distracted I wouldn't think about how angry, hurt, and disappointed I always was. The only time it ever crept into my mind was at night or in the early morning when I'd lay in bed before getting up.




Gingerbread said:


> I have been researching the divorce laws in my state. With our children grown, it would make it a lot easier.


This is a good thing to do. Even though you are in your 50s, you are still young and there are plenty of guys out there. The thing that I've noticed that holds a lot of people back from bettering their circumstances is fear. Fear of being alone, fear of the unknown, fear of change, fear of whatever. Sure it would be difficult at first, but if you have a good support network it makes it easier. I have a very tight group of friends and am close with my siblings. I was very sad when I filed for divorce, mostly sad that I had a dream that never came to fruition - I loved my STBXW quite a bit, but it doesn't feel like it was ever reciprocated. The only time she ever showed any signs of wanting to fight for our marriage was when it was too late. Talk about a punch to the gut! But then I realized that she was only doing it because she didn't want to be a 34 year old divorcee, she didn't actually care about staying married to me. She's a very selfish person and as long as she's happy she doesn't care if those around her are miserable. 

I think you need to weigh your options very carefully. You are still young and you only live once (as cliche as that sounds). What finally convinced me to get a divorce was my brother asking me if I was on my deathbed and looked back at my life, would I be happy having stayed with my STBXW? The answer was "no." 

It feels like a load has been lifted from my shoulders. I'm going out more (when I'm not studying for the NCLEX) and I'm dating a great girl who is aware of my circumstance - we are keeping it casual for now, but she's fun to be around. It's nice to surround yourself with people who actually like you.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

JSGW,



You're doing OK in my book.



Sounds like a solid plan, and you are following with your eyes open.



Not that you need anyone here's approval. (Besides, consider the source!)


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

PieceOfSky said:


> I realize that myself.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


It's insidious isn't it? It pretty much tears you apart slowly until you wake up and realize you really can't blame her. You are also right that you are not that person ... that isn't how it began.

Seems to me that it is "easier" to decide to leave at that point if only to save yourself and take control of your life ... without having to carry that burden, you will become a modified, maybe even better version of the person you used to be. It is really difficult to bounce back while you are in the middle of it. I'm trying and it is a long hard road.

I remember that first month after I separated. My daughters were still a challenge. They really didn't understand and I was very careful to assure them ... and assure them again ... that I wasn't separating from them. It took some time to get adjusted. Despite that, wow ... I could breath again. I had implemented a one month "no contact" before starting marriage counseling and for that one month I felt like a new man. All that resentment and anger melted away and I felt my old happy, positive self coming back. I hadn't realized what a toll it was taking on me physically, it just sort of crept up. I had felt "unwell" all the time. My stomach was constantly upset and I had all sorts of aches and pains. I had been lifting weights for a long time and it was starting to hurt ... my wrists, my back, my knees ... everything hurt. I felt lethargic. Losing weight without trying. Suddenly during that month even the guys at work were saying "wow, look at you. Smiling, happy. You look great!" Instead of being consumed by how awful my life had become, I started thinking about what was possible again. Then we started marriage counseling ... and it all went to hell, lol.

I'm at the same place you are. I have all sorts of theories but it really doesn't matter to me anymore why/how it happened ... that fact is, we're not having sex and that isn't how I want to live my life. After 21 years and one final push to fix things, it is not going to get better. I'm so disconnected that I feel like it's almost a business transaction ... "look it's not personal, just business ... you're fired!"


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

PieceOfSky said:


> JSGW,
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Thanks. It's hard to read some of the comments from those who doubt my sincerity or intentions. Especially that one about sex not being important to me ... why would I even be here if it wasn't? I wish it wasn't important ... it would have saved me a ton of heartache and probably added 10 years to my life. Oh and the chafing ... I could do without that too, lol. I have a hard enough time with my marriage to come here and have people give me grief.

Just trying the right thing for everybody involved ... or I should say as right as can be in this situation ... the best way I know how. It would be a lot simpler if I didn't have kids or they were out of the house. Maybe it's not the right way for some people, or even most people ... but if they had instructions on the right way for everybody, this would be easy and sites like this would be unnecessary.


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## LolaLynn (Jun 10, 2014)

So this is my first time posting anything. I joined this site hoping to get some advice as well. I'm in the same boat dealing with a sexless marriage. I want so bad for my husband to have sex with me and all the rejection has just sent me into a deep depression. I'd also like to know how others deal with this. It has consumed me in a way that I don't know. I hear friends of mine nagging and complaining about how their husbands are always pawing at them and wanting sex every night and how they wish he would stop! All I want to do when I hear this is just slap them and say, "are you kidding me?!!!" They have no idea how lucky they are to have a husband that desires and craves intimacy/sex with them. I would give anything to trade situations with them!!!!!

Just some background on my situation. I'm 36 and my husband is 51. We've been married for 10 years. We went from having sex 3 to 4 times a week to once or twice a month and now I'm lucky if it happens once or twice a year for the last 2 years! For the longest time I thought it was me. I thought I wasn't pretty enough or I had gained weight from having our daughter, but I've lost a lot of weight this past year and I'm smaller now than I was before I got pregnant with our daughter. I see the way other men look at me sometimes and I know it's not me anymore!!

Also I know it's not that he's impotent and doesn't want to say anything. I know this because he masturbates all the time!! I've woke up in the middle of the night hearing him and I see all the porn sites on the history tab on the computer every time I come home when he's been alone. I even suggested us watching porn together but when that happens he still doesn't want to have sex with me, he just wants me to help him masturbate!! I had to stop watching it with him because it was so hard seeing the woman on the screen getting everything done to her that I wanted my husband to do to me!!! He knows how much I want sex with him and he just doesn't seem to care. It hurts so much and I just don't know what to do. I can't imagine living the rest of my life with no sex, but on the other hand my daughter's happiness is so much more important to me than my own, and I know she would be completely devastated if I told her I wanted a divorce. 

I'm interested in hearing how others have dealt with this. It's just really makes me feel like less than a woman that my own husband has so desire to be intimate with me. I just want to be wanted again...


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

LolaLynn said:


> So this is my first time posting anything. I joined this site hoping to get some advice as well. I'm in the same boat dealing with a sexless marriage. I want so bad for my husband to have sex with me and all the rejection has just sent me into a deep depression. I'd also like to know how others deal with this. It has consumed me in a way that I don't know. I hear friends of mine nagging and complaining about how their husbands are always pawing at them and wanting sex every night and how they wish he would stop! All I want to do when I hear this is just slap them and say, "are you kidding me?!!!" They have no idea how lucky they are to have a husband that desires and craves intimacy/sex with them. I would give anything to trade situations with them!!!!!
> 
> Just some background on my situation. I'm 36 and my husband is 51. We've been married for 10 years. We went from having sex 3 to 4 times a week to once or twice a month and now I'm lucky if it happens once or twice a year for the last 2 years! For the longest time I thought it was me. I thought I wasn't pretty enough or I had gained weight from having our daughter, but I've lost a lot of weight this past year and I'm smaller now than I was before I got pregnant with our daughter. I see the way other men look at me sometimes and I know it's not me anymore!!
> 
> ...


Sorry you are here  

I guess the first question that popped into my head is if he has had his testosterone checked given his age. I know he masturbates but this can be a compulsive behavior and may not indicate his interest in actual sex. In other words, he just may just naturally have a lowered interest in sex that has nothing to do with you or your relationship. 51 is not old but it is an age when men become more likely to start noticing symptoms of lowered testosterone. When you married him he was 41 and testosterone (in most cases) wouldn't have been an issue, his sex drive should have been normal.

There are some other threads where this is discussed and the good news is that a lot of people testify that testosterone therapy can really jump start a sex drive.


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## LolaLynn (Jun 10, 2014)

He did have his testosterone checked about a year ago and it wasn't low. The Dr said it was normal which made me feel even worse. The only conclusion I can come up with is that he just has no interest in anything sexual with me. I think most men 51 would be incredibly happy with a wife 15 years younger. I was 25 and he was 40 when we started dating and we married a year later. I have been so hurt to my core over this! Maybe I'm just too old for him now...


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

LolaLynn said:


> He did have his testosterone checked about a year ago and it wasn't low. The Dr said it was normal which made me feel even worse. The only conclusion I can come up with is that he just has no interest in anything sexual with me. I think most men 51 would be incredibly happy with a wife 15 years younger. I was 25 and he was 40 when we started dating and we married a year later. I have been so hurt to my core over this! Maybe I'm just too old for him now...


Too old? IMO, you are in the sexiest years of your life.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

LolaLynn said:


> He did have his testosterone checked about a year ago and it wasn't low. The Dr said it was normal which made me feel even worse. The only conclusion I can come up with is that he just has no interest in anything sexual with me. I think most men 51 would be incredibly happy with a wife 15 years younger. I was 25 and he was 40 when we started dating and we married a year later. I have been so hurt to my core over this! Maybe I'm just too old for him now...


Btw, normal is relative. It could be on the low end of normal for a 50 year old and the doctor could say it's normal because it doesn't fall into an extreme for a man his age. It could still cause symptoms, including a lowered sex drive.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## LolaLynn (Jun 10, 2014)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> Btw, normal is relative. It could be on the low end of normal for a 50 year old and the doctor could say it's normal because it doesn't fall into an extreme for a man his age. It could still cause symptoms, including a lowered sex drive.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* on Android_


I guess what hurts me the most is he has a "drive" because he jerks off all the time!!!!!!! I don't understand why he doesn't want to use his "drive" on me since he knows I want it so bad! Frankly I'm getting tired of begging for it and being turned down all the time. I know I could go out and have a "one night stand" with any man but that's not what I want. I want my husband to want it with me! I know there will come a point where I just can't take the rejection anymore and give up. I'm curious how long people in this same situation keep.trying until they can't anymore. I've been trying for two years!!!!


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