# Is my behaviour passive aggressive



## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

I wonder if anybody can clarify for me whether or not my behaviour is passive aggressive. As a long term yoga practitioner, I've worked very hard on myself for the past thirty years, mind, body and soul. I have made a point of never raising my voice (never shouted at my kids who are now both adults and with whom I enjoy really good relationships). When things aren't going my way, I try to find happiness and joy in the small stuff (flowers, the colour of the sky, a song, etc) rather than get depressed. When faced with an argument that escalates to shouting and name calling, I will walk away, stating that I will only be willing to discuss matters if we are both calm and rational about it.

My marriage of nearly three years is falling apart as I write - there are many reasons for this (most of which you can read about in the threads I've started in the Sex section here on TAM). 

Every time I've approached my H, saying I'm not happy and that I want us to talk about it and find ways of addressing the situation, the talk has degenerated into an argument in which he shouts, swears, calls me names, calls my family names and (on occasion) threatened to harm my family. The threats to harm were during one of the very first times I brought up the subject that our marriage was sexless and I wasn't happy with that situation - he threatened to slice up my sister and nephew's faces with a stanley knife. He was yelling and swearing at me and, rather than yell back to make myself heard, I just took it and waited for his rage to pass. Since then, I've learned that when he is in a rage of this type, there really is no getting through to him so I avoid him whenever he's angry in this way. I stay in another room, go out for a walk or (if I can't get away), just refrain from replying as I've never been sure what sort of reply will make his rage worse. After one of the arguments, I've been left depressed and withdrawn and I cannot just act like a normal loving wife for a while - he claims this is passive aggressive behaviour. 

To be honest, I really don't like aggression, I've worked hard on myself to make sure I don't get aggressive when things aren't going my way. Responding to aggression with more aggression is, in my opinion, just going to make the situation worse, more dangerous and the original problem gets lost in the middle of the argument and no progress is ever made. During our marriage, I've become more and more reluctant to put it on the line and complain about anything due to the way in which we have to argue - I really don't believe we will sort out our differences unless we can both take a calm approach and decide on a way of making progress that we can collaborate on. I had always thought that this was a sensible, loving and adult approach, not a passive aggressive approach.

My H has recently told a load of our friends that my passive aggressive behaviour makes me difficult to live with and makes it difficult to sort out our problems.. However, from my point of view, when he's in a rage (even if it hasn't been set off by anything I've done - he gets into a rage quite often), I get frightened of him and it's got to a point that I cannot even stick up for myself out of fear - I'm under 5ft tall and weigh about 90 lbs - if the s**t hit the fan I would have to rely on outrunning him rather than fighting back. 

Yesterday I went to a friend's house to help her carry some stuff home and to go up a ladder and do a few jobs that she's not strong enough to do herself. Afterwards, we sat on her balcony for an hour just chatting and having coffee. When I arrived home, my husband cited the fact that I hadn't just dropped her stuff and walked straight home as an example of passive aggressive behaviour. I really wasn't aware that it was. A few weeks ago he went down to a local cafe as a friend of ours was there and he wanted to discuss an upcoming job with him - he said he would be straight back. He arrived home 5 hours later and drunk - I didn't say anything about it (despite the fact that his dad had just arrived to stay with us and I was left to entertain him for five hours) - I just think, if he goes out, he's out and he doesn't have to answer to me on his whereabouts in minute detail. I'm not possessive, I'm easy going and I can understand that (despite his reassurance that he would be straight back) that he got talking, one beer led to another, etc - as long as he had a good time with his mate, that's fine by me. I didn't see his behaviour as passive aggressive - I saw it for what it was - he went out, got caught up in having a good time and conversation and came back when he was ready.

As our marriage is now ending, I'm really searching my soul to make sure I've done everything possible to try to work things out and his assurance that my passive aggressive behaviour is to blame for our marriage ending is causing me to question and doubt myself. Does anybody have any input on this please? I really thought that by insisting on calm discussions I was doing the fairest thing for both of us, but it seems that he doesn't see it that way. I'm hurting because my marriage is ending (despite the fact that it's me that's insisting on ending it as I cannot go on like this, I've been desperately unhappy for the past two years of a three year marriage) but I'm also tearing myself apart at the thought that it's my fault that things have gone so wrong.


----------



## salespro (Jan 15, 2014)

I don't see where you did anything wrong. It sounds like you really need to end this and get as far away as possible.


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Your husband has no clue what passive aggressive means.

You sound passive, but not at all aggressive--passively or overtly.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What is wrong with you? Why would you stay with a person who does such things? The man is if not crazy, then at least abusive.

Respect yourself as much as you say you respect life. Get the hell out of that marriage.

And read this book; you need to open your eyes: FREE - Lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That" Read Online


----------



## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Doobie, you have to leave this abusive man. Are you waiting for him to hurt you or your family?

You don't sound p/a. You sound like a nice woman, who is afraid of her crazy, abusive husband. You husband is an ugly man who is trying to shift the blame of his abusive behavior unto you. Do not let him. 

Tell the people around you how he is. Take care of yourself. And get out for the love of God.


----------



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Sounds like your H read a blog somewhere about passive-aggressive and the silent treatment. Yes, being silent in a relationship can signal a passive-aggressive personality. But there usually has to be more than just silence, like silence with resentment. Or silence to manipulate an outcome, like when a passive-aggressive refuses to communicate until you do (or don't do) something they want.

I suppose one thing your H could assert is that your silence is a form of punishment, Like when the passive-aggressive gives you the cold-shoulder and refuses to speak to you because you’ve said/done something that bothers them and they will not even tell you what it is that you’ve said or done, leaving you powerless to make an apology. This is punishing and disempowering you with silence.

Short of that, he's just blame-shifting. Rather than face any anger problems he has and consider how his anger contributed to the destruction of the relationship, he blames you instead. I was on the receiving end of that. Focus on the truth and you'll be ok.


----------



## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Doobie. Your husband is violent. Stay with him, and he WILL turn that violence on you at some point. There's nothing to be done with a violent spouse except leave them. Additionally--the headbutting incident seems to indicate this behavior is ramping up. Please don't allow this to continue.

Whether you were passive, passive aggressive, "Total B*tch Mode", or some other variation--nothing excuses violent behavior. You have no reason to feel guilt here of any kind.


----------



## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

Pluto2 said:


> Sounds like your H read a blog somewhere about passive-aggressive and the silent treatment. Yes, being silent in a relationship can signal a passive-aggressive personality. But there usually has to be more than just silence, like silence with resentment. Or silence to manipulate an outcome, like *when a passive-aggressive refuses to communicate until you do (or don't do) something they want.*
> 
> I suppose one thing your H could assert is that your silence is a form of punishment, Like when the passive-aggressive gives you the cold-shoulder and *refuses to speak to you because you’ve said/done something that bothers them *and they will not even tell you what it is that you’ve said or done, leaving you powerless to make an apology. This is punishing and disempowering you with silence.
> 
> Short of that, he's just blame-shifting. Rather than face any anger problems he has and consider how his anger contributed to the destruction of the relationship, he blames you instead. I was on the receiving end of that. *Focus on the truth and you'll be ok*.


Firstly, thanks for all of the replies  - I very much appreciate people taking the time and trouble to reach out and help put my mind at rest.

As for Pluto2's points, the refusal to communicate has been a refusal to communicate when he's in a drunken rage and shouting at me, calling me a b**ch and a c**t - I really can't see that any useful conversation can come out of this. I've never retaliated with name calling - I haven't even called him a drunk, though that's what he is. I've also felt the need during every argument (in the face of his rage) to do everything possible to keep things from escalating and to keep myself safe - he's frightening to deal with when he's in a rage.

The cold shoulder has been a result of these rages in which none of our problems get sorted out. After one of these rages, I have been so upset that I don't want to speak to him or pretend to be the loving wife - that would be false. These arguments have shocked and hurt me so much, that a total return to normal in the face of his apology is impossible for me as we still have the original problem that I tried to talk to him about and the situation has been made much worse with all of his rage and insults. I take everything he says to heart. I know the power of words which is why I don't call him names or say anything I don't mean - I know from experience the sort of damage that does to a person. He's always really quick to apologise, but that really means nothing to me any more - he's apologised so many times but still behaves in the same way at the drop of a hat - to me this is a false apology designed to get him off the hook until the next time he does it.

Focus on the truth - that's why I posted. He twists things around to blame me for all of our problems so that I sometimes doubt and question myself and end up focusing more on being fair to him than on being fair to myself here.


----------



## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

He threatened to slice up your sister and nephew's faces with a utility knife! That's just psycho. 

Even if you were P/A, which you don't seem to be, that response is so far over the line that it should be reported to the police. 

You need to leave this guy. It's just a matter of time before he gets worse.


----------



## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Doobie, I don't see your behavior as P/A. I see your behavior as survival.


----------



## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

lucy999 said:


> Doobie, I don't see your behavior as P/A. I see your behavior as survival.


Exactly! Get away from him asap, doobie.

Your H is a dangerous man and not to be taken lightly!


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Doobie,

You deserve to be with someone who:
- loves you including physically and sexually
- doesn't make terroristic threats to injure your family members
- doesn't trash you to friends and family



QUOTE=doobie;13286194]I wonder if anybody can clarify for me whether or not my behaviour is passive aggressive. As a long term yoga practitioner, I've worked very hard on myself for the past thirty years, mind, body and soul. I have made a point of never raising my voice (never shouted at my kids who are now both adults and with whom I enjoy really good relationships). When things aren't going my way, I try to find happiness and joy in the small stuff (flowers, the colour of the sky, a song, etc) rather than get depressed. When faced with an argument that escalates to shouting and name calling, I will walk away, stating that I will only be willing to discuss matters if we are both calm and rational about it.

My marriage of nearly three years is falling apart as I write - there are many reasons for this (most of which you can read about in the threads I've started in the Sex section here on TAM). 

Every time I've approached my H, saying I'm not happy and that I want us to talk about it and find ways of addressing the situation, the talk has degenerated into an argument in which he shouts, swears, calls me names, calls my family names and (on occasion) threatened to harm my family. The threats to harm were during one of the very first times I brought up the subject that our marriage was sexless and I wasn't happy with that situation - he threatened to slice up my sister and nephew's faces with a stanley knife. He was yelling and swearing at me and, rather than yell back to make myself heard, I just took it and waited for his rage to pass. Since then, I've learned that when he is in a rage of this type, there really is no getting through to him so I avoid him whenever he's angry in this way. I stay in another room, go out for a walk or (if I can't get away), just refrain from replying as I've never been sure what sort of reply will make his rage worse. After one of the arguments, I've been left depressed and withdrawn and I cannot just act like a normal loving wife for a while - he claims this is passive aggressive behaviour. 

To be honest, I really don't like aggression, I've worked hard on myself to make sure I don't get aggressive when things aren't going my way. Responding to aggression with more aggression is, in my opinion, just going to make the situation worse, more dangerous and the original problem gets lost in the middle of the argument and no progress is ever made. During our marriage, I've become more and more reluctant to put it on the line and complain about anything due to the way in which we have to argue - I really don't believe we will sort out our differences unless we can both take a calm approach and decide on a way of making progress that we can collaborate on. I had always thought that this was a sensible, loving and adult approach, not a passive aggressive approach.

My H has recently told a load of our friends that my passive aggressive behaviour makes me difficult to live with and makes it difficult to sort out our problems.. However, from my point of view, when he's in a rage (even if it hasn't been set off by anything I've done - he gets into a rage quite often), I get frightened of him and it's got to a point that I cannot even stick up for myself out of fear - I'm under 5ft tall and weigh about 90 lbs - if the s**t hit the fan I would have to rely on outrunning him rather than fighting back. 

Yesterday I went to a friend's house to help her carry some stuff home and to go up a ladder and do a few jobs that she's not strong enough to do herself. Afterwards, we sat on her balcony for an hour just chatting and having coffee. When I arrived home, my husband cited the fact that I hadn't just dropped her stuff and walked straight home as an example of passive aggressive behaviour. I really wasn't aware that it was. A few weeks ago he went down to a local cafe as a friend of ours was there and he wanted to discuss an upcoming job with him - he said he would be straight back. He arrived home 5 hours later and drunk - I didn't say anything about it (despite the fact that his dad had just arrived to stay with us and I was left to entertain him for five hours) - I just think, if he goes out, he's out and he doesn't have to answer to me on his whereabouts in minute detail. I'm not possessive, I'm easy going and I can understand that (despite his reassurance that he would be straight back) that he got talking, one beer led to another, etc - as long as he had a good time with his mate, that's fine by me. I didn't see his behaviour as passive aggressive - I saw it for what it was - he went out, got caught up in having a good time and conversation and came back when he was ready.

As our marriage is now ending, I'm really searching my soul to make sure I've done everything possible to try to work things out and his assurance that my passive aggressive behaviour is to blame for our marriage ending is causing me to question and doubt myself. Does anybody have any input on this please? I really thought that by insisting on calm discussions I was doing the fairest thing for both of us, but it seems that he doesn't see it that way. I'm hurting because my marriage is ending (despite the fact that it's me that's insisting on ending it as I cannot go on like this, I've been desperately unhappy for the past two years of a three year marriage) but I'm also tearing myself apart at the thought that it's my fault that things have gone so wrong.[/QUOTE]


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Doobie, honey, you're not passive aggressive, you're just passive. Huge difference. 

I can safely state that you have done EVERYTHING humanly possible to try to save your marriage and divorcing is the only way forward. 

You have tried to love a man who is repulsive and actively seeks to be repulsive. You have tried to live with a man who is abusive and actively seeks to threaten you, frighten you, and make you feel as if you are in danger.

What you need to work on is why you have put so much effort into such an unworthy man.


----------



## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

> The threats to harm were during one of the very first times I brought up the subject that our marriage was sexless and I wasn't happy with that situation - he threatened to slice up my sister and nephew's faces with a stanley knife.


Who cares if you're passive aggressive?

Anyone who says this to you is someone you need to get away from and quickly. If anyone said anything like this to me, I'd be at the police station filing a restraining order as fast as I could drive there. If you can't do it to save yourself...what about your helpless family who he's openly threating violence against? Aren't they worth it to you?

If you want to do some self-evaluation, the only question you should be asking yourself is why are you tolerating someone who's verbally abusing you and your family.

I have to say...I will never understand women like you. Someone abuses you and you find ways to blame it on yourself and take zero action. I cannot fathom a man who would threaten to cut up my nephew. I would have literally run out the door while calling 911. What on earth is wrong with you?

As long as you sit around finding excuses for this abuse, he'll get worse.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Read the book I linked. It will explain everything.


----------



## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

Thanks for all the replies to this thread - this has really helped to set my mind at rest that I've done everything I could to save the relationship and that this marriage really isn't worth saving. There are no kids or property involved, so it really is just a matter of me finding somewhere else to live, packing my stuff and getting out.


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Doobie, you have absolutely no reason to feel guilty about ending this relationship. I remember some of the details from your previous threads, you said you had to get some money together, and you actually was supporting him financially. I hope you got to that point and are free to go now. 

this is the same guy who mocked your idea that married people your age should have sex. The same guy, who once decided to have sex wiht you, were physically hurtful to you. The same guy who refused to shower for days. The same guy who drinks too much. The same guy who threatens you and your family.

Run, Doobie, run, and don't look backwards.


----------

