# Question About Telling



## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

As you can see from my post count, I am a newbie. I was married to a beautiful woman who ended up being a serial betrayer. After the third guy I found about I threw her out for good. I remarried 2 years later and have been wonderfully with her for 10 years. Wifey and I had a conversation about infidelity recently and we disagreed on 1 point, so I thought I'd throw it out if anyone had an opinion (and this is 100% hypothetical only)...

Let us say a spouse (either he or she) was married and it was a healthy one. That person went on a business trip for a week or so, ended going out for dinner with a group, had a bit too much to drink and ended up in bed with someone not their spouse. They felt terrible about it to the point of nausea and deeply depressed. It was out of character and they vowed it to never happen again. It was a true one night stand that was not intended in any way.

Should they tell their spouse?

I say yes. I believe that within a marriage there has to be complete transparency about this sort of stuff and let the chips fall where they may. If the marriage is good, it should survive and it is also good for accountability sake. 

Wifey says no. She thinks that so long as it was a 100% unintended accident there is not need to damage an otherwise healthy marriage for a one time fluke. Let that betraying person suffer alone and vow to never be in a position to do so again.

So, how think ye?

Yes or no?


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

thatbpguy said:


> Wifey says no. She thinks that so long as it was a 100% unintended accident there is not need to damage an otherwise healthy marriage for a one time fluke. Let that betraying person suffer alone and vow to never be in a position to do so again.


Wow. Just wow.

I'm sorry to say, but that would be a huge red flag in my book.

I refuse to be with anyone who can't tell me the truth,
no matter how painful it is/would be to hear.

There's no "accident" in taking your pants off.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Nope. That person would have to come clean. Cheating is cheating no matter how it happened. A married person should not put themselves into that type of situation


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I say yes, because the I had too much to drink and so I ended up cheating isn't the easy to hide behind excuse it is so often used as.

First, the unfaithful behavior that led to having sex with the OW/OM didn't very likely start when the WS as out of control drunk. It started well before that. The drunkeness just lower the inhibitions enough to help it escalate. So the cheating began well before the last drink was downed.

Also, for this whole thing to work and just because by the booze, that would mean the WS would have been out of control and had lost all their ability to reason. If so then why didn't they give their credit cards and cash away freely? Why didn't they take the person they cheated with and give them all the cash they had and then taken them to the ATM and take out their max amount and give that away too?

Don't you find it curious that we don't hear about the scenario where the traveling spouse doesn't cheat, but instead gives away all their money and goes on a buying spree for someone they met on their trip ?

So we are to believe that the drunken spouse was too drunk to recognize that the choosing to have sex with someone else is wrong, but they are still in control enough that they are able to protect their money?

Then there is the question of them being too drunk to make decisions , which is sort of at the heart of the whole argument here. So if they were actually so drunk that they could not recognize that crossing that uncrossable line that is cheating was going down, then they must have been raped then, because someone had sex with them while they were unable to give consent. We both know however, that if you are that drunk, that in a guy nothing is going to rise to the occasion and in both sexes they would be blacking in and out of consciousness, which would mean they didn't cheat - the were raped.

In the end, the being drunk on trip isn't at all a valid argument to hide behind.


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

Yes of course this should be told. I would be deeply concerned about your wife's opinion on this matter. Who brought up this hypothetical question? Alcohol is not an excuse to f$%k another person and get a free pass. 
DWI is wrong, so is CWI - Cheating while Intoxicated. Either way your held accountable for your actions. 

Well now you know if your wife does this she would never tell you. Not a real comfortable feeling.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

YES...

Its been my experience that this kind of behavior will continue enless its addressed. Telling your betrayed spouse is the only way to face this unhealthy choice that most poeple think is a mistake.

So first of off it not a mistake its a choice and second its a behavior pattern that will snow ball if not adressed.

Sure the waywards will have regret and will stop this behavior in the short term, but what will happen years down the road when the reget fades and all the variable are there again.

I think when it comes to unhealthy choices you need support instead of holding it in, and keeping this secret. Call it perventive maintence.


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

AND she knows what happened in your past relationship. She has the nerve to say some SF!t like this to you?????


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

The 'I was drunk' excuse is so overrated and so ridiculous that I think anyone who buys it..is a fool. Sorry for the offense but just like Shaggy said, the idea of cheating IS ALREADY THERE before the cheater gets drunk. By drinking, they make the cheating easier with less burden in their conscience.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

cantthinkstraight said:


> Wow. Just wow.
> 
> I'm sorry to say, but that would be a huge red flag in my book.
> 
> ...


Bothered me too. A year or so I thought she may be having an affair and this answer of hers was part of my thinking. But she tells me she did not and I believe her. Those betrayed tend to be a bit paranoid.

(BTW, neither my wife or I drink. I was using that as part of the hypothetical aspect...)


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

These answers are interesting. I asked this to 4 coworkers and they split 50/50.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

thatbpguy said:


> Bothered me too. A year or so I thought she may be having an affair and this answer of hers was part of my thinking. But she tells me she did not and I believe her. Those betrayed tend to be a bit paranoid.
> 
> (BTW, neither my wife or I drink. I was using that as part of the hypothetical aspect...)


You know the rule, bro.

Trust but verify.

Once you've been cheated on, I don't see how it could be any other way.

Glad you found someone else who makes you happy.
Wish you guys the best.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

thatbpguy said:


> As you can see from my post count, I am a newbie. I was married to a beautiful woman who ended up being a serial betrayer. After the third guy I found about I threw her out for good. I remarried 2 years later and have been wonderfully with her for 10 years. Wifey and I had a conversation about infidelity recently and we disagreed on 1 point, so I thought I'd throw it out if anyone had an opinion (and this is 100% hypothetical only)...
> 
> Let us say a spouse (either he or she) was married and it was a healthy one. That person went on a business trip for a week or so, ended going out for dinner with a group, had a bit too much to drink and ended up in bed with someone not their spouse. They felt terrible about it to the point of nausea and deeply depressed. It was out of character and they vowed it to never happen again. It was a true one night stand that was not intended in any way.
> 
> ...


My wife agrees with you 10000000% and I agree with your wife 1000000%

My take is don't screw up my utiopia because of your stupid act. I live in a world of reality and the reality is my life WOULD be much better if my wife didn't tell me then if she did!!

There are certain things that are game changers and this is one of them. I love my life, my kids, really everything is awesome 99% of the time. My wife does go on business trips all the time and God forbid it happens, but if it does just SHHHHHHHHH my life will be unchanged. She tells me now I have doubt, concern for years everytime she takes business trip, question everything in my life, my marriage, my self esteem all for what? Some principle? A ONS that she as you said feels totally horrible about and it is never to happen again.

I'll take not knowing every day of the week!! 

Now before someone sticks words in my mouth your scenario I don't want to know about. A ongoing affair with emotions, multiple meetings, etc etc investment of time YES I want to know, but that isn't the scenario you proposed!! I also believe those affairs are totally different.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

thatbpguy said:


> These answers are interesting. I asked this to 4 coworkers and they split 50/50.


Turn it around on them.

What if YOUR spouse was practicing the kama sutra and it wasn't a one time thing, would you want him/her to tell you?

What is the difference if it was one time, or not?

When you get married you take vows and that does not mean you slip up and as long as eyes that don't see heart that doesn't feel. That is wrong because.


When you take marriage vows you VOWED to remain FAITHFUL to each other.

Grab a dictionary, according to mr webster faithful means "full of faith", "stead fast in affection or allegiance, firm in ADHERANCES to promises or in OBSERVANCE of duty, true to the facts or to the truth or to an original.


As far as "opinion" goes, that ONS or onging affair are no different in their means of being a contradiction to being faithful. If any spouse commits such offense and keeps it a secret they are constantly being UNFAITHFUL and the only way to become FAITHFUL would be to confess, and ask for forgiveness and REPENT. 

This "i'll keep it a secret and suffer and repent with it myself because I deserve it" is hogwash. How can you repent and remorse for an action that only "YOU" know of. Who will admonish you, yourself? 

No judge, judges himself.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

OhGeesh said:


> My wife agrees with you 10000000% and I agree with your wife 1000000%
> 
> My take is don't screw up my utiopia because of your stupid act. I live in a world of reality and the reality is my life WOULD be much better if my wife didn't tell me then if she did!!
> 
> ...



Such cowardly words. No person should be afraid of truth but be willing to accept it and realize that there is no other way than to live in truth. I sure hope you change your views.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

Ignorance is not bliss IMHO, not when it comes to breaking vows.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

I sure hope some of the people who agree with not being told or not telling sure hope they do not do business that way.

"Its ok, I trust you, gimme here, I'll sign right away, if you turn out to be lying don't tell me please, I beg of you"


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

Ultimately, it comes down to you and what you expect out of marriage or any commitment. I'm not an ignorance is bliss type of guy. If it truly was a mistake then own up to it and tell the truth. 
For those who agree with not telling, What do you teach your children/family about being truthful?????


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

A spouse should be told the truth. Especially with STDs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

CleanJerkSnatch said:


> Such cowardly words. No person should be afraid of truth but be willing to accept it and realize that there is no other way than to live in truth. I sure hope you change your views.


We will just disagree that's all  let's hope it never happens to either of us!! 

You reply almost has a religious undertone are you religious? 

This is a personal question some of you are making it into a ideology or trying to say if X then Y?

It's a personal choice!!


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

True love is not deceitful, it does not lie, it does not cheat, it does not bluff, it is not proud, it does not defame, true love is full of truth and faith.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

The red pill, always. Informed decisions, reality based emotions.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

OhGeesh said:


> We will just disagree that's all  let's hope it never happens to either of us!!
> 
> You reply almost has a religious undertone are you religious?




Few in this world really take what they believe seriously.

That goes with anything from religion to active duty to marriage vows.

To answer your question, no I am not.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

CleanJerkSnatch said:


> True love is not deceitful, it does not lie, it does not cheat, it does not bluff, it is not proud, it does not defame, true love is full of truth and faith.


Well, then very few people have true love if their marriage has SUFFERED from any of the above, correct? 

I know you didn't mean that, but that is the same way you are taking my post!! 

It's a personal choice would YOU want to KNOW or NOT!! I say for me NOT and I stated my reasons. I highly doubt it will ever happen though. The question wasn't right or wrong, vows broken or not, it was "Would you want to know if your spouse had a ONS that they were totally regretful for and it would never happen again?"

Same question could be posed: 

Would you want to know if your Dad was a pedophile? NO, I wouldn't!! 

Would you want to know if you were going to die of cancer in 7 years? No, I wouldn't!!

You are confusing ideals with quality of life and for me I just don't need to know those things. My quality of life would decrease, imo.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

There are only certain things that you need to know under certain conditions, for your examples do not follow.

Consider the scenario, living happily in a decent marriage. Now, after 10 years of "greatness" all of a sudden the wife says "I don't love you anymore I want a divorce" Then the husband questions and tries to reason with what just happened. He probably noticed weird behavior in her a few years ago as well as the last few months.

Failing to accept it just like that, I mean sure after 10 years of greatness who wouldn't question that, he looks and finds that he's been blind, she has had an affair and it all started with a ONS, or lets be more realistic, a compliment! 

So he comes to TAM in the fog, trying to rugsweep it, forgive and forget and contrary to all the advice he receives at TAM from experienced fellow his wife keeps cheating and completely ignores all his cries for redemption, recovery, rebuilding etc.

The husband keeps begging like a dog until he realizes that his whole LIFE has been a lie. Are his children his? When I kissed her had her lips been on someone else? Where have they been? What lies has she told me when she said loves me yet she did this to me? How can she stab me in the back? This is not the wife I married. etc etc etc

Out of sight out of mind eh? No

EDIT:You'd want to have known months before, years before when the spouse started cheating or cheated.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

CleanJerkSnatch said:


> There are only certain things that you need to know under certain conditions, for your examples do not follow.
> 
> Consider the scenario, living happily in a decent marriage. Now, after 10 years of "greatness" all of a sudden the wife says "I don't love you anymore I want a divorce" Then the husband questions and tries to reason with what just happened. He probably noticed weird behavior in her a few years ago as well as the last few months.
> 
> ...


That's fine, but has nothing to do with the OP's question!! The OP's question was not what you stated it had rules, boundaries, assumptions, and under those assumption he/she layed out I gave my answer of not wanting to know. 

I do agree with you 1000% that life should have guidelines and vows should be kept. The problem with western society is the lack of moral guidelines first and foremest. Secondly, I think the average marriage SUCKS and most people are way too selfish to put in the hard work to make their spouse feel like a King or a Queen as they should. I've said this many times I guess I'm just lucky that I married my wife vs someone else.

That is getting too off topic.........good luck in your marriage if you have one and I hope for the same in mine 15 years + and kicking it!!


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## MainMan#6 (Apr 28, 2012)

What's the difference if the WS is not ashamed or remorseful or feels guilt and still refuses to tell their spouse. As long as the BS is unaware they can continue blissfully as they always have, regardless of the WS feelings. The marriage is not so great if one partner feels so compelled to withhold vital information from the other, IMHO. 

As for me, I would want to know. If I had no senses I would still like to be alerted if I was in a burning house.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

OhGeesh said:


> My wife agrees with you 10000000% and I agree with your wife 1000000%
> 
> My take is don't screw up my utiopia because of your stupid act. I live in a world of reality and the reality is my life WOULD be much better if my wife didn't tell me then if she did!!
> 
> ...


I understand your point of view. Why possibly destroy a world of love and happiness for many people (marriage, kids, family...) over a horrendous one time betrayal? Why create misery within the marriage forever more when you still have love to offer?

But to me, I agree with the poster who mentioned 'faithful'. To not tell is to live a lie against those you are telling oneself you love. And that isn't love at all.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

OhGeesh said:


> My wife agrees with you 10000000% and I agree with your wife 1000000%
> 
> My take is don't screw up my utiopia because of your stupid act. I live in a world of reality and the reality is my life WOULD be much better if my wife didn't tell me then if she did!!
> 
> ...


Unshared secrets and the need to lie destroy intimacy.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

Ignorance is bliss? Since when? Human civilizaion was developed out of curiosity, to know the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

If it is a one time mistake (!) and the marriage is so great, then a confession should not kill it. It being a deal-breaker means the marriage isn't so great that it can withstand anything.

Our own weakness leads to our downfall. The thing we fear the most happens to us most often. To receive anything completely, we need to prepare ourselves to lose it completely and not be the least bothered about it.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I wonder if someone believing that this should not be told, would intentionally drink too much when on a business trip, in order to give themselves a hall pass?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Full disclosure! Totally!

Coverups only smack in the face of true honesty and in the long-run, will only serve in ultimately undermining and dismantling the basic tenants of the marital relationship!


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

life101 said:


> Ignorance is bliss? Since when? Human civilizaion was developed out of curiosity, to know the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
> 
> If it is a one time mistake (!) and the marriage is so great, then a confession should not kill it. It being a deal-breaker means the marriage isn't so great that it can withstand anything.
> Our own weakness leads to our downfall. The thing we fear the most happens to us most often. To receive anything completely, we need to prepare ourselves to lose it completely and not be the least bothered about it.


It definitely would not end my marriage!! Would it cause pain though? Would it hurt like hell? The ripples would be felt for a very long time!! What I am alleviating is the pain and only under those ONS it will never happen again guidelines.

Real life obviously doesn't work this way and there is a point where I would want to know and principle would outway my reality. 

There is no right or wrong answer because the question is rhetorical in nature. 

A better discussion is how do we keep our spouses love? What are we doing daily to make sure they know we love them above all else? Are you having the hard heart to heart talks about finances, sex, child raising, careers, futures, dreams, goals, struggles, resentments, etc?

Most marriages do not have this foundation! Couple that with lack of morals, selfish nature, and entitlement mindset and it's easy to see why so many people stray.

I don't see it ever happening in my marriage on either side. We both try so hard (me more ) we have those talks and aren't naive to the power of temptation!!

Happy New Year to all!!


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

thatbpguy said:


> *Wifey says no. She thinks that so long as it was a 100% unintended accident there is not need to damage an otherwise healthy marriage for a one time fluke. Let that betraying person suffer alone and vow to never be in a position to do so again.*


Straight from that '50s mindset - this is Dear Abby's stated advice read by millions. The idea that it's the man doing the traveling - that instant and secretive means of communications don't exist. That travel is rare and expensive. 

(Yeah - I know it's a more modern writer now - but still outdated and antiquated notions)


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

When does getting drunk with friends/Coworkers equate to a ONS???? 

It equates when the person continues to drink and willingly participates in the seduction/flirtation of having sex. Alcohol is the ice breaker that makes a person more comfortable with there actions for good or bad. So there is no "pass" for [email protected]#king another person and betraying your spouse. 

Some people have the habit of making the same "mistake" multiple times. Oh sure they feel bad but it was the alcohol that did it....seriously???


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## Labcoat (Aug 12, 2012)

"She thinks that so long as it was a 100% unintended accident there is not need to damage an otherwise healthy marriage for a one time fluke."

There are no accidents or flukes of that nature. I've logged more intoxicated hours than most people and only rarely did I ever do something that was totally out of character. I started a fight. But secretly, I've always wanted to get in a drunken bar fight. At least that's what I realized when I was honest with myself about it.

And frankly, those drunken work party hookups are worse than the watercooler EAs, IMO. How can you safeguard against them? Women (and men) like to describe them as being out-of-character, which is a description of historical arithmetic frequency rather than any insight into the persons psyche.


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

I'm not surprised by this answer. It goes back to the mindset of "I don't care what you did before, just love me." Some people just think you should never tell your spouse anything that could hurt the marriage/relationship. I hate this mindset because to me it takes away trust. Basically your spouse is telling you that if they do something horribly wrong but still want to be married to you, they'll just never tell you what they did. They are more worried about trying to preserve the concept of marriage rather than the open intimate relationship between two individuals. This reminds me of the old concept of the housewife, that "Everything's fine, rug sweeping, yes dear" B.S. I am a pretty rational guy but if I was with something that told me something like this I would have so much anger in me. I'm gonna add this to the list of questions to ask before starting a relationship. Thanks OP.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

2asdf2 said:


> Are you thinking about following up on your gut instinct?
> 
> .


I don't understand (hey, I'm a dense 50 something).


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

One of my coworkers (male, early 30's) agrees with my wife in that if it was truly a drunken fluke ONS and never contact before or after... that the pain for him would be so unbearable that he just wouldn't want to know. Anything more than that and he'd want to know.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

2asdf2 said:


> Your earlier remark.
> 
> .


Which one? Sorry, but I seem to be clueless today. It's a old man thing.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

OhGeesh said:


> There is no right or wrong answer because the question is rhetorical in nature.


This question is not rhetorical. The belief that there is no right or wrong is relativism.

Whosoever thinks that if they cheat on their spouse and think it correct to keep their deceit/failure a secret for ANY reason is ultimately WRONG based on the established principles of "marriage".


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## regrowth (Dec 21, 2012)

My STBXW, said that admitting her affair to me was a "mistake" and that every website she reads says she should have kept to herself to keep the marriage going and repair our problems.

I am of the belief that if someone does not admit it and pay the full repercussion of doing so then even though they feel bad, they are destined to do it again.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

2asdf2 said:


> This one:
> 
> 
> "*A year or so I thought she may be having an affair and this answer of hers was part of my thinking.* But she tells me she did not and I believe her. Those betrayed tend to be a bit paranoid."
> ...


In all honesty there was a ton of strong circumstantial evidence. Enough to almost convict. I tried giving her an opportunity to confess without success so I flat out confronted her. She was somewhat evasive. However, I do know she went to a church counselor she knew a few times (without me knowing at the time) and then things got suddenly much better. Our relationship is not one of love, per se, but two close friends who got along so well we decided not to be alone in life and marry. She came from a very abusive marriage and I from a serial betrayer. Except for this it has been a terrific marriage in every respect. In fact, she was in love with a guy when we met but he moved away. I told her that if he ever came back in her life, just let me know and I'd even be willing to step aside- but just be honest and up front with me. But that guy was not the OP in this event.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

regrowth said:


> My STBXW, said that admitting her affair to me was a "mistake" and that every website she reads says she should have kept to herself to keep the marriage going and repair our problems.
> 
> *I am of the belief that if someone does not admit it and pay the full repercussion of doing so then even though they feel bad, they are destined to do it again*.


I think statistics bear this out. I know a guy who betrayed his wife 3 times. He told me the first time nearly killed him with guilt. The second time bothered him but he shrugged it off. The third time he easily justified it and thought nothing of it.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

2asdf2 said:


> It seems that you are dancing around your doubts.


Don't we all, though?



2asdf2 said:


> Not that I blame you. I procrastinated taking action for decades.


Wow. That's a long time. I knew I went into denial when I first found out with my first wife.



2asdf2 said:


> If you can accept it, accept it.


Accept what? A spouse's betrayal?


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

thatbpguy said:


> I think statistics bear this out. I know a guy who betrayed his wife 3 times. He told me the first time nearly killed him with guilt. The second time bothered him but he shrugged it off. The third time he easily justified it and thought nothing of it.


synderesis


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

That should not be kept a secret. It opens the door for future indiscretions without consequence. Telling your spouse helps you stay accountable. Telling your spouse prevents future cracks in the marriage foundation from radiating out of this one. If the spouse is riddled with guilt to the point of nausea, it is unlikely that the weight of that secret will have NO impact on the person keeping it or the marriage. 

This is troubling. Keep talking to her about the problem. What spouse doesn't know won't hurt him/her is simply untrue. Instead, that cheater is preserving a false image of self instead of a real marriage between the couple.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

CleanJerkSnatch said:


> synderesis


huh?


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

2asdf2 said:


> No, we don't all dance around it. I knew the score, and decided to accept the situation that I had at the time. The situation changed, and I took action.
> 
> Not so much the betrayal, but the probability of betrayal without ascertaining the outcome of that probability.


I have to admit I can really appreciate and respct people who work through a betrayal. I tried, but couldn't.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

CleanJerkSnatch said:


> This question is not rhetorical. The belief that there is no right or wrong is relativism.
> 
> Whosoever thinks that if they cheat on their spouse and think it correct to keep their deceit/failure a secret for ANY reason is ultimately WRONG based on the established principles of "marriage".


It's personal choice!! The debate isn't whether having a affair is right or wrong it's "IF YOU WOULD WANT TO KNOW!!"

Wanting to know or not wanting to know there is no right or wrong answer to that!!


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

thatbpguy said:


> huh?


Throwing away the conscience, basically what you explained that after a while of doing it or how you worded it the first time, second time, third time etc, it becomes no big of a deal.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

CleanJerkSnatch said:


> Throwing away the conscience, basically what you explained that after a while of doing it or how you worded it the first time, second time, third time etc, it becomes no big of a deal.


Ah. Thanks.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

OhGeesh said:


> It's personal choice!! The debate isn't whether having a affair is right or wrong it's "IF YOU WOULD WANT TO KNOW!!"
> 
> Wanting to know or not wanting to know there is no right or wrong answer to that!!


Of course there is a right or wrong in that as well. That is why we go back to where we first started that you should WANT to know and need to know because it regards your spouse and the marriage.

It has nothing to do with the other epiphanies that you brought up about pedophilia or cancer death etc.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

CleanJerkSnatch said:


> Of course there is a right or wrong in that as well. That is why we go back to where we first started that you should WANT to know and need to know because it regards your spouse and the marriage.
> 
> It has nothing to do with the other epiphanies that you brought up about pedophilia or cancer death etc.


That's only because we look at it toally differently. You see it as "Vows being broken" as the primary problem. While I don't agree I look at it "As pain in my life" that as my examples tried to show I would rather not have.

One affair, one night, never to happen again...........I don't want to know just like many other traumatic events I would gladly opt out of if I could!!

Best of luck to you too!!


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

OhGeesh said:


> That's only because we look at it toally differently. You see it as "Vows being broken" as the primary problem. While I don't agree I look at it "As pain in my life" that as my examples tried to show I would rather not have.
> 
> One affair, one night, never to happen again...........I don't want to know just like many other traumatic events I would gladly opt out of if I could!!
> 
> Best of luck to you too!!


Thank you, I do understand your point of view.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

CleanJerkSnatch said:


> Thank you, I do understand your point of view.


I don't. If I value something so much, wouldn't I want to know what is wrong with it and fix it, rather than let it rot the core and take it beyond the point of no return?If it happened once, what's the gurantee it will never happen again? In all likelihood, it will.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

life101 said:


> I don't. If I value something so much, wouldn't I want to know what is wrong with it and fix it, rather than let it rot the core and take it beyond the point of no return?If it happened once, what's the gurantee it will never happen again? In all likelihood, it will.


I understand it, I never said I agree with it though. If a person wants to stay captive in the cave then so be it.

I agree with you.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I would most certainly want to know, so I could dump her in the street and begin my search for someone who I can love and trust.


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## sara18 (Dec 26, 2012)

Anyone who is in a cheating relationship needs to deal with their own situation. Getting other relationships involved is not the solution to your own problem. Too much drama can just cause the relationship to suffer more.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

thatbpguy said:


> Let us say a spouse (either he or she) was married and it was a healthy one. That person went on a business trip for a week or so, ended going out for dinner with a group, had a bit too much to drink and ended up in bed with someone not their spouse. They felt terrible about it to the point of nausea and deeply depressed. It was out of character and they vowed it to never happen again. It was a true one night stand that was not intended in any way.
> 
> Should they tell their spouse?
> 
> ...


Your wife's statement has my butt square shaped and dumping bricks.

The WS must tell the BS about an affair. Level of affair has no basis to avoid telling the truth.


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

thatbpguy said:


> In all honesty there was a ton of strong circumstantial evidence. Enough to almost convict. I tried giving her an opportunity to confess without success so I flat out confronted her. She was somewhat evasive. However, I do know she went to a church counselor she knew a few times (without me knowing at the time) and then things got suddenly much better. *Our relationship is not one of love, per se, but two close friends who got along so well we decided not to be alone in life and marry.* She came from a very abusive marriage and I from a serial betrayer. Except for this it has been a terrific marriage in every respect. *In fact, she was in love with a guy when we met but he moved away*. *I told her that if he ever came back in her life, just let me know and I'd even be willing to step aside-* but just be honest and up front with me. But that guy was not the OP in this event.


Based on the fact that you guys essentially settled for each other, and she doesn't really see you as a husband in the traditional sense, I am not surprised at all she answered this question like this. She sees you as a pal that she sleeps with and you were essentially plan B. Honestly I think you would have saw something like this as a possibility. Her answer and behavior is that of one who is not interested in a deep connection with her spouse. Now I know why. If you want a Lamborghini, you have to be patient and do things to get one. You can't just become impatient and settle by taking the body kit of one and putting on it on a car with a 4 cyclinder engine and a KIA radio. IF you do do that, you can't really complain about why the car doesn't run and ride like a Lamborghini even though it looks like one.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

FalconKing said:


> Based on the fact that you guys essentially settled for each other, and she doesn't really see you as a husband in the traditional sense, I am not surprised at all she answered this question like this. She sees you as a pal that she sleeps with and you were essentially plan B. Honestly I think you would have saw something like this as a possibility. Her answer and behavior is that of one who is not interested in a deep connection with her spouse. Now I know why. If you want a Lamborghini, you have to be patient and do things to get one. You can't just become impatient and settle by taking the body kit of one and putting on it on a car with a 4 cyclinder engine and a KIA radio. IF you do do that, you can't really complain about why the car doesn't run and ride like a Lamborghini even though it looks like one.



I completely agree. I always use analogies with cars regarding relationships. :smthumbup:


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