# Advice? Looked at texts, can't unsee



## trivi (Apr 20, 2016)

My marriage has not been healthy for some time. It would be tough to summarize right now, so I'm first going to just post a single situational question bc I think I'm going nuts.

We have some trust issues at play (due to several past lies/hiding things...but no infidelity that I know of). *Inserted from other thread bc people told me to:*

_We've been married nearly 10 years and have three kids. And we don't trust each other. We don't trust each other to put each other - or the relationship - first. We don't trust each other to accept our faults. We always think the other is thinking terrible things about us. We have bucketloads of resentment. And for my part, I don't trust...well...anything he says. His words often don't match his actions. There have been several different instances over the years where I've discovered him lying and hiding things from me. So anytime something is slightly fishy I think he's hiding something.

And he's always accusing me of "thinking he's sleeping with everyone." He goes to this when I bring up trust. I try to explain that trust is about more than sex, but he can't get past trust=sex. And my distrust has understandably made him feel like I'm trying to "check up on" or control him at times. 

He also has expressed a "what you don't know can't hurt you" philosophy. Something about if a person doesn't know about something, it isn't "a part of their reality" and if the person doing it doesn't let it affect the relationship, then it's the same as it never happening. Which. Yeah. This came out when I confronted him about going to a strip club a while back. Which I wouldn't mind if he didn't hide it. I wouldn't have married him and had a bunch of kids if he'd revealed that belief earlier. (He also tends to say really stupid crap when he's feeling threatened/attacked. So I don't know if he truly believes that. But it's disturbing, nonetheless.) How do you trust someone with that belief???

Anyway. I'm wondering. If he can get to a place where he cares about building trust, how does that work? Have any of you overcome something like this? Is it possible for us to trust one another again? Or would I be just dumb to trust him?

I'm not ready to let this go. I would really like for us to rebuild._


So. I felt the impulse to check my husband's text messages. Which is its own problem, but stay with me. Last week he went on a last-minute one-night business trip (works for himself, the trip was for a meeting with one man Wednesday morning). I booked him a nice hotel with good reviews - a little more expensive than we normally would but I knew he needed a break from home (3 kids, new baby) as much as I do. Texted him about it and told him to find a nice bar/restaurant and enjoy his night. 

The next day (Wednesday) he called on his way home to tell me about his meeting. He said "I love you" when we said goodbye, which is not usual for him. 

Friday evening, his phone was sitting by me, and I looked. I don't know why. And some woman had texted him at 7 a.m. of the morning he was away. He is NOT a morning person at all. There is no way he was out of bed by then, so this had to be someone he met the previous night. There were 4 texts: 1. Her name. 2. The name of her business. 3. The word "etc" 4. An additional long text at noon of that day about how she hopes he's had a good drive, how pretty the trees are, and whether she should use the email address on his card to email him.

My heart skipped a beat, but I convinced myself I was being crazy and this didn't mean anything at all. Maybe they're talking about doing business together. And then I kept looking. Now he's deleted those texts, except for her name, and I've seen another text from her about what days he's out of town in June. Whatever that's about. Again, could be business talk. But then, again, he deleted it. The deleting is what's fishy. This is a guy with 100+ unread text messages on his phone. He doesn't just regularly delete stuff. He's hiding this from me in case I look. (Good instincts there, I guess.) So I don't know what else I haven't seen. But I know he's got something to hide. 

He has also called her at least twice. One call was 21 minutes long. I don't think he's ever talked to me on the phone for that length of time. 

We already have stuff to work on. I've been getting up the nerve for weeks to ask him to go to counseling with me. And now this. This is what happens, right? Somebody finally cheats and then the whole thing becomes about that? I don't want that. I want to work on our other known problems. I want to build trust in each other. I want us to learn to forgive each other for harsh words and selfishness. I want to be friends. I don't want it to all turn into "he cheated." 

I did end up asking him about going back (we tried once for one session) to counseling last night. He said no, that we couldn't afford it. Then we talked some about our issues. It didn't go great. We did end up hugging at the end though and agreeing to work on our marriage, but we didn't really define what that means. I didn't sleep last night.

So, friends. What am I supposed to do now? Stop looking and try to trust him? Keep looking and see what happens? Tell him I looked and ask him about it? Call her and talk to her about it? (Just kidding that's a terrible idea.) None of those options seem any good at all. 

What do I do? And how do I not let this consume me?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

It looks bad. 

Don't let on what you know and start digging.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## trivi (Apr 20, 2016)

marduk said:


> It looks bad.
> 
> Don't let on what you know and start digging.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh yeah, I know everything the internet knows about her at this point. She has a public fb profile. And now I'm a crazy woman checking his emails etc. I don't want to be this.

She lives 10 hours away. So what? I wait until they start talking daily? Until they plan a meetup in June? Or even if they magically totally stop communicating after our talk last night...then what? At what point do I open up and talk to him? Or do I not and just wait for the nail in the coffin?


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

A person deleting texts and/or deleting partial texts always has something to hide. 

If it were nothing he would have left them. And if it were no big deal he'd just tell you it's has something to do with business/work. 

When people lie, it stays a lie and the lie always has to be followed up by a lie. And so on. 

When people tell the truth it easy. Because there are no lies to be made up. 


Truth: 
W: Hubby, why is this woman texting you. 

H: oh it's work related. And she was just being nice but I understand how it looks. I'll make sure any text stay business like. And I'll make sure she knows this. 

Lie:

W: Why is this woman texting you and you deleted part of it?

H: insert lie
H: insert another lie to back up lie
H: insert another lie...and so on. 


My advice would be to keep monitoring and don't let him know. Save any text, deleted text via pics on your phone. Then send those pic text to a place like shutterfly or other free pic vault out there. 
Then come back here for advice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

If it's an iphone, back it up and use an extractor that can read deleted messages.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

trivi said:


> Oh yeah, I know everything the internet knows about her at this point. She has a public fb profile. And now I'm a crazy woman checking his emails etc. I don't want to be this.
> 
> She lives 10 hours away. So what? I wait until they start talking daily? Until they plan a meetup in June? Or even if they magically totally stop communicating after our talk last night...then what? At what point do I open up and talk to him? Or do I not and just wait for the nail in the coffin?


Take a deep breath. 

What do you have access to? His texts, his emails? Facebook, LinkedIn?

And let's say it's an affair. What do you want to have happen then?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

So I was going to ask you what kind of problems in your marriage you have but I read your other "rebuilding trust" thread. Def try and keep to one thread. It will be easier to get great advice. 

Even copy/paste you other thread start here where you talk about him lying in past. 

I did read your other thread a bit. Seems like trust is the issue. Like I write a few posts up, he's lying to cover up lies. It's a pattern and he's a serial lire. 

Seems like you are doing most of the work in this marriage to salvage it. With 4 kids at home I'm sure it's stressful enough. 

The best way to figure out what's going on is to get those texts. Don't let him even suspect you have any doubt he's unfaithful. You need to shut your mouth. Stop accusing him and find hard evidence. You also need to plan to talk to a lawyer if needed and if you are done with his lying and possible cheating, you need to have a plan. 

By the way, what trust issue does he have with you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## trivi (Apr 20, 2016)

marduk said:


> Take a deep breath.
> 
> What do you have access to? His texts, his emails? Facebook, LinkedIn?
> 
> ...


I can see his texts if he leaves his phone lying around. And two email accounts. But he could have more I guess. He deletes part of his web history but I thought that was just so I don't have to see what porn he's looking at. (Full disclosure: I sometimes do that too. I don't care that he looks at porn sometimes and don't care to see what kind.) I can access his fb too. They aren't friends. Yet. I could probably get on his LinkedIn but I don't think he ever goes on there.

If it's an affair. I don't know! I just want this to undo. Where's the back button? We just bought a house. The kids. He's a great dad. I don't know if I would leave him for it. I'm scared ****less of being a single mom of three small kids. My family is far away. His is across an ocean. I really don't want this for the kids. I would fight for the marriage I think. But he would have to, too.


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## trivi (Apr 20, 2016)

jerry123 said:


> By the way, what trust issue does he have with you?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Different kind. Like being able to trust me to let him be himself, to not criticize him, stuff like that. 

He once asked me "who's you're boyfriend at the office?" and I was surprised to find out he wasn't joking. So I guess he has been suspicious before, but I think he knows he can trust me to be faithful. I'm all good-girl, virgin when we met, tell him (mostly) everything. (When I found out I was pregnant this last time, I kind of panicked and took a day to get used to the idea and hid it from him; then pretended to take one for the first time with him the next day. That's the only major thing I can think of that I've hidden from him.) 

I think he kind of resents that. In a fight he once shouted "I wish you'd just have an affair so I'd have something to point fingers at *you* for!"


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

My heart breaks for you. My first marriage ended and I had a 1 and 3 year old. I know how it can be, but I also know you can't live a lie...for you or your kids. Do you really want to fight to stay with a guy who would be willing to do this to you and your family? Assuming he did.

Can you access your phone account to check texting records? They aren't perfect, but if you see 4 texts on his phone, but ATT says there were 90, then you know the discrepancy is there.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Counselling. 

Right away. 

You guys aren't open with each other.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I think you should go completely dark and monitor everything and get a VAR for his car. Don't mention anything about what you know. Let his actions tell you the story. I think it's great that you want to fix and work on your marriage, but if this is really going on, will you really want to anymore?


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Trivi,

You want to catch him with the goods if he knows you are on to him he will take the affair further underground and you will not be able to prove anything. You will be left with a vague feeling of distrust which will stay with you for year or decades. Infidelity can be forgiven and overcome, long term dishonesty cannot. 

What is common is for spouses to accept a watered down story about how they went to hotel room in Vegas and just kissed or just held hands. Then years later find out something else and are back to zero in terms of recovery.

You are working to save this marriage for your children please remember that.

You also need the goods for when you expose the OW to her people so that she cannot deny.

Tamat


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

trivi,

We will help you. You are not alone. You will get advice from wives, husbands, betrayed spouses and remorseful cheaters who all want to help you.

Stay at this forum. Post what you know, what you think, your fears, anything. If you think anything else looks suspicious let us know. We have seen a lot.

Be strong young lady. Focus on yourself and your beautiful children. You can and will get through this.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Talk to us about your previous suspicions. 

And why he's a "don't ask/don't tell guy."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

I think he kind of resents that. In a fight he once shouted "I wish you'd just have an affair so I'd have something to point fingers at you for!"

-----------------------------------------------------

Well that's just something nice to say to a wife. Resent it or not, that's just abuse talk. 

His he always verbally abusive? Or when he feels threatened? 

Was the last kid planned?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

I have been in your shoes.
I have found texts...emails...email accounts. The OW emailed me for crying out loud.
I stayed to work on the marriage because we had kids and to be honest...I was on maternity leave and was terrified.
If I had to do it again I would do things differently.
My advice...listen to the people here.
Keep your eyes and ears open at home.
Cheaters are liers and can never keep their lies straight and he will mess up.
Stay strong...and don't be afraid to talk to the people here. They are a great bunch. 


Sent from my iPhone


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## trivi (Apr 20, 2016)

marduk said:


> Talk to us about your previous suspicions.
> 
> And why he's a "don't ask/don't tell guy."
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm going to type this and look like an idiot. But here goes.

A couple years into marriage, when our first was small, he started acting mean and distant. I said he had postpartum depression. I started a conversation about how he was making me feel. He cried and brought me a bag of weed. Said this was the problem and that he'd been smoking almost every day for years. I had no clue. I don't have much opinion on pot in general, but the hiding. The hiding. Enter the trust issues. 

He asked me to toss it and he was going to quit & try to save our marriage. He quit for maybe 3 months. Then it was a cycle of things being great, then him smoking a lot, blaming his behavior on pot and saying we should work on us after he quit ("for him, not for me"), quitting for a few weeks, repeat. Then I finally said "Ok. If pot really is making you a meanie, I'm the one telling you to quit this time." So he smokes and hides it from me and avoids me when he smokes. And cycles between awesome and occasional mean streaks (as in irritable, critical, talking down to me). Still have no idea if the THC does have something to do with the mean streaks. Now his line is "I don't have a pot problem, you do." I've tried to explain his behavior is still the problem, but it doesn't go through. He now says our relationship issues are due to my dislike of him smoking pot.

And. When I was pregnant with our second, I tested postitive for an STD. I confronted him, crying and feeling much like I do today. He seemed blown away by this and swore he was faithful. He got tested - negative. But I never physically saw those results. We both took meds for it and I re-tested negative. I believed him. 

So there's that. 

To answer the other poster, no, the baby wasn't planned. I still can't believe she happened. Though she is wonderful. Our first counseling session was soon after finding out I was pregnant.

And yes, he has used abusive language many times. His family kind of talks to each other that way, though. Mine doesn't.

I can't believe this is me typing this. Because this chick typing this is ridiculous.

But there's more, of course. Many wonderful times and adventures and love. And he's not a jack-ass all the time. Super charming and nice and talented and loved by many. An inspiration in many ways. And I am a jack-ass sometimes too. I'm critical and type-a and indecisive and I freak out when I'm stressed. And I've said awful - probably abusive - things to him in fights too.


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

I smoke pot once in a while, 2x a month and I never get mean. I actually am opposite. But I'm not a THC expert and it could affect him other ways. 

Could be he has some mental issues. Again, I'm not a dr. 


As for STD, was it Chlamydia/Gonorrhea?

If so why did he take meds if he was negative?Supposedly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

trivi said:


> I'm going to type this and look like an idiot. But here goes.
> 
> A couple years into marriage, when our first was small, he started acting mean and distant. I said he had postpartum depression. I started a conversation about how he was making me feel. He cried and brought me a bag of weed. Said this was the problem and that he'd been smoking almost every day for years. I had no clue. I don't have much opinion on pot in general, but the hiding. The hiding. Enter the trust issues.
> 
> ...


Ok. 

The weed. It doesn't make you mean. It makes you chill. So I think he may have an anger problem and he's self medicating with the weed. Which is non-addictive usually. 

The STD. It is remotely plausible depending on the STD that you could have a flare up from something you got years ago. From him or someone else. I think viral things for example can go dormant for a long time. But, I find it implausible and far more plausible that he cheated. Add that to your current sitch and you've got the makings of a serial cheat. 

The abusive language is abuse. So he's verbally abusive.

You know what we're going to say right?

Call a lawyer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## trivi (Apr 20, 2016)

He's been all lovey today (we both work from home) telling me he heard me last night and we're going to work on things. Flirted with me like he hasn't in ages. Had me listen to "Here Comes the Sun." I'm quite cynical at this point but some tiny part of me wants to think he's for real.

Then she texts when we're at the dinner table asking his flippin star sign. ?
The phone was right there. I could see the message. I know he suspects I read it. Do I get to ask him about that, or am I still supposed to shut up watch this awful thing play out?


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## trivi (Apr 20, 2016)

The pot: He is chill (though rather dumb) when he's high. But when he is using high quantities frequently/daily it does seem to screw with his brain during the not-high times. So during the day or if he doesn't have it for a day. But yes, I do think he has an anger issue. 

The STD. Clamydia. I was fighting a major yeast infection at the time, and found a ton of accounts online of false positives for the test for pregnant women with yeast infections. So i believed it was a false positive

When I take a real good look at myself I think I may be emotionally abusive sometimes too. So I'll have to work on that, even if not for this relationship. 

But if I end up out of this one, I think it will be a loooooong time before there is another man in my life. And he's going to be ugly.


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

Ummm, totally weird having a woman text your husband what his star sign is. Either she is way into him and he's just enjoying the attention and not batting it down, or they are in a EA. 

[email protected] yeah ask him about the text. If a guy was texting you asking what your sign is in sure he'd be asking why. 

Pot stays in your system for a frequent user for quite some time. Hence the withdrawal for it is minimal. His anger issues most likely have nothing to do with the weed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## trivi (Apr 20, 2016)

All it took was that one person giving me permission. I'm weak. Maybe I'm pgoing to drive him underground with it. But too late for pretending I'm not suspicious. 

I just told him I saw the text at dinner and asked him about it. He was stoned. He said it was "this guy and this girl" that want to make a documentary about him and showed me her "one email" to him. It was a businessy email about her film company. I called him on deleting some texts (bc he opened the message and what was left on there made it obvious something was missing. He said they were these hippies and that he felt guilty about smoking pot with them and stuff so he deleted stuff. And that maybe the girl liked him or something but that really it was nothing and I can trust him and there's only me blah blah. I asked if anything sexual happened with these people. He laughed and said no. I asked if he'd been talking to her since he got back. He said no. So that last one is a definite lie based on the phone records. He said we should talk tomorrow. I guess so he can have time to make up a better lie.
Sh*t. 
I know I didn't listen to you, wise people. I just can't sit here and watch. I don't want to see it. Even if that means it makes more lies. I can't watch. 

So now do I wait again or can I go back out and tell hi I just looked at phone records to make myself feel better and I see he lied? 

How stupid am I being?


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## Regalpair275 (Jan 3, 2016)

I'd give her a call and ask about it


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

trivi said:


> Different kind. Like being able to trust me to let him be himself, to not criticize him, stuff like that.
> 
> He once asked me "who's you're boyfriend at the office?" and I was surprised to find out he wasn't joking. So I guess he has been suspicious before, but I think he knows he can trust me to be faithful. I'm all good-girl, virgin when we met, tell him (mostly) everything. (When I found out I was pregnant this last time, I kind of panicked and took a day to get used to the idea and hid it from him; then pretended to take one for the first time with him the next day. That's the only major thing I can think of that I've hidden from him.)
> 
> I think he kind of resents that. In a fight he once shouted "I wish you'd just have an affair so I'd have something to point fingers at *you* for!"


I am really sorry to read this, but to me it sounds like he is gaslighting you. 

How much do you criticize him and about what kind of things? If you are passing judgment on him over things like: What food, clothes, music, politicians, interests, etc. he has, then he is not free to be himself and you really need to reign that in.

But if you are criticizing him for being himself when "himself" is someone who can say, with a straight face, "If a man lusts over naked strangers (and wastes money) in a strip club but his wife doesn't know it, then it didn't really happen."

or if "himself" is a person who flat out lies to you (as it sounds like he has done) then you are going to feel so unsafe and insecure in your marriage that it will be extremely difficult not to pass judgment, and certainly not reasonable for you to be expected to accept his acting along those lines regardless of what it means for "him to be him."

Due to your frustration, posting on here before, and acknowledging your imperfections, it sounds like you are the only one trying to make the marriage better and he is just doing whatever he wants and messing with your head by calling you too critical to keep you on your heels and off his trail.

I completely understand your desire to just rewind things, but I have a very bad feeling things are much worse than you know. You feel like your bad marriage brought you to a place where he was so unhappy he cheated. But given his history of lying to you (I'm curious about what?) It sounds more likely to me that the opposite is true: he is a serial cheater and your spidey sense that something is amiss is what has brought out your criticisms which he in turn points to as the reason for the maritial strife.

Seriously - how do YOU have "trust issues" for not trusting someone who lies to you? How is that an issue on your part? 

MY ADVICE:
DO NOT share your suspicions with him until you have hard evidence one way or the other. Snoop and get some facts, then people can advise you on what to do.

I would be very curious to see any deleted texts he sent to that woman about what email to use with him. He may have a burner phone or secret email account (that he deletes from computer history).

I understand there is spyware you can put on a smartphone to have all correspondence copied to you. And supposedly you can retrieve deleted texts with some software. You can hide a voice activated recorder in his car and check it after business trips. You can hire a P.I. If he has an iPhone it tracks where he's been by default. (Recent or frequent places, something like that.)

If he is sleeping around, you just trying harder and harder to be more trusting is just going to make it easier for him to carry on.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

trivi said:


> I can see his texts if he leaves his phone lying around. And two email accounts. But he could have more I guess. He deletes part of his web history but I thought that was just so I don't have to see what porn he's looking at. (Full disclosure: I sometimes do that too. I don't care that he looks at porn sometimes and don't care to see what kind.) I can access his fb too. They aren't friends. Yet. I could probably get on his LinkedIn but I don't think he ever goes on there.
> 
> If it's an affair. I don't know! I just want this to undo. Where's the back button? We just bought a house. The kids. He's a great dad. I don't know if I would leave him for it. I'm scared ****less of being a single mom of three small kids. My family is far away. His is across an ocean. I really don't want this for the kids. I would fight for the marriage I think. But he would have to, too.



You are a great person and wife. 

Him? Lying loser. Cake eater. 

In this instance, you are the nourishing cake, the OW is the frosting. In his fog, he will only get rotten teeth from OW's sweetness. 

Unless your family is on the moon, I would consider moving to that "Where" place.

Make long and detailed *EXIT* plans. Get those beautiful Teal ducks in order.

The ocean liner that he promised you turned out to be a dinghy. 
And it is taking on water fast.

Instead of plugging the hole in the boat he is fishing for kitty-fish.
What's the jerk using for bait? I dunno, probably lie-lure.

You owe your children more than this relationship.

Dump him overboard and motor to the promised [promising] Land. 

Sorry you are here.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I think while you sit around wondering if you should talk to him or not, he'll go and do exactly what you're afraid he'll do. He just lied to your face, and you stood there and pretended you didn't know he just lied to you. Neither of you are honest with each other.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

He gave you an STD, and lied about it.

He continues to gaslight you.

His "what you don't know won't hurt you" philosophy is not conducive to a healthy relationship.

This guy is living a double life.

Trivi, are you ok with that?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*With a history like that, of what he's done and given to you, you're telling us that you are willing to give him more and more rope for the next time?

You need to be in a family lawyer's office charting your future away from him!

Don't you believe in your heart that you deserve so much more out of life rather than his constant lies and misgivings?*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

My lord (and I am an atheist). This guy is stoned and you are trying to talk to him about this. He has 4 kids and is smoking weed like he doesn't give a **** about life. He is self-medicating because he probably doesn't like his life. He is immature and it's sad that you have wasted so much time on him. I am aware of a spouse self-medicating, and while it may not mean the end of a marriage (or maybe it will), you have 4 kids together and he is deleting stuff and doesn't trust you. He is lying to your face and then trying to be all sweet and nice.

You are in a bad spot, and even if you stay with him for now, you need to double down on your espionage. Protect yourself and your kids, because he seems like he doesn't really give a **** about any of you.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Does he spend much time with you and the kids? I'm confused how he'd have any time to go off and get high on a regular basis when he works and has a family. If he's not skipping out on work, then he's skipping out on family.


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## trivi (Apr 20, 2016)

breeze said:


> Does he spend much time with you and the kids? I'm confused how he'd have any time to go off and get high on a regular basis when he works and has a family. If he's not skipping out on work, then he's skipping out on family.


He spends a lot of time with the kids, though he doesn't like to join for any kid-focused outings (wont do playgrounds, kid festivals, family walks, etc. he's too cool for that). What he's skipping out on is me. He works from home for himself and while he does occasionally work stoned, he is also a very talented artist on the side and mostly smokes alone at night after the kids are in bed, while working in his studio (in our garage). Stays there until 1-3a.m. and then sleeps in the guest room or on the couch most nights. We've had sex once since the baby was born last November. Then he stays in bed until 10ish-am 8 out of 10 mornings bc he "worked so late." He knows I hate it. If I don't try to get him up he thanks me sweetly later and I roll my eyes. If I do try he gets really annoyed. But I do try fairly often. Sometimes I just hand him the baby and walk away, but it doesn't really get him up, just keeps him awake.

We do have family dinners, though, and we do a lot of things as a family like camping, canoeing, trips, etc, and he plays with the kids or lets them "work" in his studio with him a lot.


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## trivi (Apr 20, 2016)

So. I went in to the office today, and when I came home he (w/o me saying anything first) told me that really nothing happened with the woman on his trip, that he was intrigued and was just seeing where it went and was asking himself "why" but hadn't found a good answer. Said he'd never have contact with her again and that he really wanted to work on our relationship.

Should I believe any of that? I want to. I want some chance to try one more time.


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## trivi (Apr 20, 2016)

I extracted the texts. There weren't a ton of them. She mentioned how much she enjoyed "sharing energy" with him. (She's an effing aquatic massage therapist or something.) She was coaching him on how to hide this from me. "Delete all these messages" "Don't call me - she's likely tracking that." "Nothing but professional emailing until we meet again" etc

I confronted him. I didn't tell him everything I knew or how, but I gave him one more chance to fess up. He admitted he left the trip planning to carry on with this. (she lives 10 hours away, btw.) Said he didn't know what he wanted out of it. He guessed in case we ended he'd have her there or something. Still says nothing "happened." Got visibly angry at himself and said several times how he wished he'd never met her. But he didn't apologize or anything. He was pissed that he got caught. I grilled him on it. Then he couldn't take anymore and left the room. I followed a few minutes later and cried to him about how much I had wanted us to make things good. About how complicated this split is going to be. I told him it was over. He said he never wanted to hurt me. That he never wants to hurt me. But there was no "stay." There was no indication that he would put up any sort of a fight to keep this family together. He said that we'll need to talk about how to deal with this. I said I don't know if that's going to happen. He said something like "Right. We'll need to talk about how to move forward not together, because I want you to be happy with that." Which is nice I guess. And I guess he's glad to get out of this relationship. Which stings. 

There were no other suspicious texts deleted in the past 2 years that I could see. He says he's never done anything like this before and I sort of kind of believe that part. 

Please can this all be a bad dream? The kids. This is going to break their hearts. How am I supposed to do that? They are so amazing. And this is going to change them. How am I going to do this with three kids? I wanted to stay home with the baby. So bad. I couldn't, but I got my hours down to 20 a week so that I see them all the time. I can't afford that alone. I'm going to miss so much. The baby won't take a bottle. We have a trip planned to visit his family overseas for A MONTH this summer. We have flights booked. I love them. And I want my kids involved with their grandparents and cousins. And I can't send them there without me. How is that going to work? We just bought a house. We're renovating. All our friends are both our friends. We don't even like this city that much. But we both need to be near the kids. 

Make it stop. Please. Please.

I'm not sure I'll ever sleep again.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Young lady, I am so sorry. You are hurt, scared and confused and that is normal. Allow yourself to feel that way.

You are stronger than you think and you will get though this. You WILL get through this. Right now, focus only on YOU and the KIDS. 

Review your finances. If you have any joint accounts, move money to a new account that only you can access. Any money your earn, deposit that into YOUR account. Inquire as to what government financial support services are available to you. 

When dealing with your husband, the most important thing for you to know right now is that you cannot trust or believe anything he says. If cornered he will lie and probably lie convincingly. You will want to believe him. Right now, don't to that. Leave that for another time. You can LISTEN to what he says, but do only that. Do not make any decisions right now based on what he says. 

Make sure you eat and try to sleep. It will be hard. If you need, post here in the middle of the night and someone will respond. The kind folks here will rally to help you today. Stay strong.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Trivi, There is another forum here called "Coping with Infidelity". You might get better and more advice if we move this thread to that forum. If you want to that, post your wish to move it and I will help you get that done.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Divorce is never easy or convenient.

You realize he is still lying, right? I guarantee it was/is a PA...and not his first.

1st step is consult with a D attorney and learn your rights. Every State is different.

Cancel your vacation. 

Expose the affair to friends and family so they know what you are going through.

I have a feeling his late nights "working" were more than that. Check his computer for skype or other video chat stuff.

Time to be strong for your kiddos. Don't engage him right now. Start the 180.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Did you check to see if there were any other apps on his phone to talk to her or anyone. There are chat apps, and texting apps that allow you to hide what you are doing much more than texts. Those texts from her may have been at the start, then they got smart and took it off text and a whole other world opens up.

Yeah, this will hurt the kids. But lying to them will hurt them more. Pretending will hurt you and them. Handling this the right way will be the best answer for them overall.


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

I'm sorry
Do you have any family around?
Now is the time for support..from friends and family.
Your kids are the most important thing.
Always remember that and you will be ok...for them you have to eat have to sleep and have to keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Contact a lawyer.
This will seem all so much clearer when you have someone who is an expert in the field guiding you.
It will be ok...you will get through this.
Go hug your kids.


Sent from my iPhone


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

You got great advice here because simply....he's following a cheater "script". And we all knew what he was doing. 
I know you did not want this to be all true. 

He's pretty much sorry he got caught. He's not fighting to repair this because quite frankly, he will do it again in the future. 

No more talking. You need a lawyer. 


By the way, is other woman married?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

What's the best case scenario?

Your husband is an angry pothead who walked a fine line with other women and is a terrible provider. 

When that's the best case scenario...

What would you tell your child to do?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## trivi (Apr 20, 2016)

jerry123 said:


> You got great advice here because simply....he's following a cheater "script". And we all knew what he was doing.
> I know you did not want this to be all true.
> 
> He's pretty much sorry he got caught. He's not fighting to repair this because quite frankly, he will do it again in the future.
> ...


No. She's 49 (he's 37) and has an adult daughter. Once I figured out the order of the texts I discovered that they are not planning to keep communicating frequently but are planning business-like emails only and to meet up again one day for a joint project. And then they can "share energy" together again. [i really wish the eye roll emoji would work on here]

Also, yesterday he basically said he doesn't believe in the society-enforced concept of marriage. So that's fun to hear from your husband.


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

So basically he wants an "Open marriage". Which you respond by saying you want a society-enforced Divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

And. When I was pregnant with our second, I tested postitive for an STD. I confronted him, crying and feeling much like I do today. He seemed blown away by this and swore he was faithful. He got tested - negative. But I never physically saw those results. We both took meds for it and I re-tested negative. I believed him. 

If he was negative, there would be no reason for him to also take medication. He lies.


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