# The Vicious Cycle (long)



## LikelyImperfect (Jan 22, 2015)

Hi. I am 30 years old and my husband is 47. We have been together almost 6 years, married almost 3. 

We have been, for the entirety of our marriage, on this vicious rollercoaster we can't seem to steer off of. 

Its always the same things, I need more attention/affection and he always tells me that he just isn't that type of man. 

He always tells me I need to be a better wife, that my anger is a problem (the only problem he has with me) and something needs to be done about it. 

Recently, that last big fight, happened two nights ago. He has three children from a previous marriage, the youngest having recently moved in with us full time. I have taken full responsibility for the child, My husband takes him to school and picks him up, that is pretty much is. I do everything else. 

Recently, the ex wife has been in town staying with his oldest daughter, whom i've always had a love hate relationship with. I have always tried to be the best person I could be to her, and she has always hated me, unless she wanted something. 

Trying to be the bigger person, we allowed the ex to come over to celebrate the oldest daughters birthday. Since then, oldest daughter has been acting hanky and odd. Making me feel very insecure in my relationship with my husband. 

The other night, late at night, I went into our bedroom to speak with my husband in regards to my feelings of insecurity and concern. He was not really asleep, but was laying in bed. (In his defense, he has had a lot of stress on his shoulders and has been in very negative moods often....which hasn't changed in 6 years. I never know what mood he will be in when I get home)

I informed him of my issues and proceeded to tell him my feelings of oldest daughter. He got up and proceeded to tell me a list of reasons why I am wrong, and my feelings are obsured. This turned into an all out fight. 

The next morning, he proceeded to make a comment about how he has simply been playing house all this time while his children were living in an awful situation with their mother. 

That hurt me. It made me feel even more insecure and unloved. We had lunch yesterday, 2 days after the outburst, and I tried to converse with him about how he made me feel. Immedietly he said "its always about you isn't it" in which I tried to defend my position of having open communication about me feelings. 

Long story short, we seem to have the same fights over and over again. I am to "emotionally needy" and don't know how to treat a man. Its always my fault that we have problems in the relationship. (I mean, always) He has never done anything wrong, ever. 

Maybe twice, in 6 years. 

Im fed up. Im depressed. Im devestated. I don't want to get divorced, I don't want to get seperated. I know that at this moment I can't live on my own because of my financial burdens. (I have been a stay at home wife/mom for the most part, working part time on a very minimal income to have money for my needs and wants)

I have isolated myself from all my friends due to his disapproval of them, although if you ask him, he never would do such a thing. No, he's never said anything about me not hanging out with them, he has just trash talked everyone I know so much over the past 6 years that it has been easier to avoid it outright. 

I have no one. All my family lives in other states. 

I am at my wits end, and I don't know what to do. 

This probably makes no sense as I am currently writing as I think....

I'm just so lost.


----------



## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Well, lets start at the basics. What have you done to try and settle things between you two?

Reading? Therapy? MC?


----------



## LikelyImperfect (Jan 22, 2015)

We have tried communicated calmly, for hours on end, I have talked till I am blue in the face in regards to him meeting my needs. I have read books on "how to maintain a happy marriage" or how to understand men. I have cooked meals, given massages, met sexual needs. 

He has attempted to be sweet, but always gets caught up in all the negativity in his life and brings it home. I have gone to counseling and am learning to control my "outbursts" as he calls them. 

The only time I ever have said outbursts, is when he is being inconsiderate of my feelings/emotions. 

I have suggested going to a marriage counselor, and he has refused, saying it didn't help in his previous marriage, it won't help with us. 

I have even started working with him in my off time at no pay, trying to help downsize the stress he carries.


----------



## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

LikelyImperfect said:


> We have tried communicated calmly, for hours on end, I have talked till I am blue in the face in regards to him meeting my needs. I have read books on "how to maintain a happy marriage" or how to understand men. I have cooked meals, given massages, met sexual needs.
> 
> He has attempted to be sweet, but always gets caught up in all the negativity in his life and brings it home. I have gone to counseling and am learning to control my "outbursts" as he calls them.
> 
> ...


Good.
Is HE open to reading or possibly IC?


----------



## LikelyImperfect (Jan 22, 2015)

IC?

I mentioned getting him a book recently, as he gave me one. 

I'm not sure if he is open to it or not, but it would be worth my time to try.


----------



## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

LikelyImperfect said:


> IC?
> 
> I mentioned getting him a book recently, as he gave me one.
> 
> I'm not sure if he is open to it or not, but it would be worth my time to try.


IC = individual counseling.

My favorite book for reducing people induced stress is called "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz. I only read the book three years ago and I have probably given out a dozen copies.

Its a very easy book that contains some really basic ideas that probably improved my life by a good 15% or so.

"His Needs Her Needs" is another book that deal with couples. Its also available as an audio program. A lot of folks here like it.

You will probably have some folks chime in with suggestions.

The key to breaking a cycle is to acknowledge that it is there.
Sounds like you are doing that.

Does your husband see it too?


----------



## LikelyImperfect (Jan 22, 2015)

Yes, I can say that he does. He asked me yesterday if I am not sick of the same fight over and over and over again. 

We are both aware of this problem, yet can't seem to come to any kind of conclusion on how to fix it. 

I will look into both of those books. 

I am open to ALL suggestions, I am just getting very frustrated. 

I suppose I would appreciate him accepting his own faults, and coming to me to fix things for once.


----------



## LikelyImperfect (Jan 22, 2015)

And he is opposed to IC. 

He is opposed to counseling in general.


----------



## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

LikelyImperfect said:


> And he is opposed to IC.
> 
> He is opposed to counseling in general.


Sounds like he feels burned by the last counselor..the MC.
Too bad he landed with a "not so good" one.

Marriage counseling is the least effective of all the counseling fields. 
On a good day they only enjoy a 40% success ratio.

Is he religious? Might he speak to a pastor or preist for counsel?


----------



## LikelyImperfect (Jan 22, 2015)

No, we both have bitter tastes in our mouth for religion. 

Both burned badly by a church in our own way. Its one of the things that brought us closer together. 

He is the type of man who needs no one, and can do everything on his own. (Which is why he is so stressed out all the time)

In truth, after 6 years with him, I truly believe he likes being unhappy and stressed out. He enjoys being everybody's everything and talking like he has nothing or no one. I can't see any other option. 

I think he has what I call a "Hero" complex. 

Always wanting to be the Hero for everyone except those in the same house as him.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

LikelyImperfect said:


> I know that at this moment I can't live on my own because of my financial burdens. (I have been a stay at home wife/mom for the most part, working part time on a very minimal income to have money for my needs and wants)
> 
> I have isolated myself from all my friends due to his disapproval of them, although if you ask him, he never would do such a thing.


You have FOUR jobs right now. 

1) Read everything you can on anger management. A man's top two Emotional Needs are usually sex and admiration. Raising your voice erodes his belief that you admire him; once he feels that, he will stop trying. Find some workbooks online for removing anger from your brain's hardwiring. It takes work but works. No more fights.

2) Find, and start attending, some sort of work study program, certification, training, whatever, to become employable. As long as you are beholden to him financially, you will never be a happy person and can never make the RIGHT choices for the RIGHT reasons. I expect you to be working by next August.

3) Read this book. Front to back. Let us know if he fits the bill. If so, we will adjust our advice for you.

4) Call up your friends and start spending time with them again. No matter what he says. DO IT. You cannot be a complete, healthy human being if you are isolated. Pick one friend and text her right now. Ask to have lunch. Then GO.


----------



## LikelyImperfect (Jan 22, 2015)

Love all suggestions. 

#2, currently enrolled in my 2nd year of college, slowly but surely making my way to an associates degree. 

#4, had lunch yesterday, and am hoping to continue to do so. 

#1, I completely agree, any suggestions?

#3, I am on it!!!


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

LikelyImperfect said:


> #1, I completely agree, any suggestions?


I like this one because it approaches it from a psychological standpoint, i.e. understanding what it is in YOU that makes you blow up. Once you know that stuff, once you understand your Lizard, you can recognize the triggers as they happen and deflect from the kneejerk response.

http://www.amazon.com/Anger-Management-Workbook-W-Angus/dp/0921883161


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

LikelyImperfect said:


> #4, had lunch yesterday, and am hoping to continue to do so.


What's your plan for when you tell your H that you had lunch with friend X and he makes a snide remark about her?

You need a plan.


----------



## lovesmanis (Oct 9, 2014)

Sounds like an emotionally abusive relationship.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That's why I gave her job #3.


----------



## Rockyroad (May 21, 2014)

Sounds almost like my relationship with my ex. He blamed me for everything, even though he is the one doing all the abuse and causing all of the pain.

If he is not into the relationship, have a serious talk with him, before it turns into a physically abusive relationship.

I was also a stay at home mom with the same situation as yours. We alienated our families due to our problems. It is a hard situation. My husband was cheating on me our entire marriage. 29 years.

We are now separated. My 3 children are so hurt and confused. I feel very depressed.

Find a job if you can and go to school.

It is a difficult situation. Pray.


----------



## CarlaRose (Jul 6, 2014)

I don't know what people here are telling you, but I have zero faith anything they say can possibly work. Not a book because your husband isn't going to read any of them and wouldn't do what it says if he did, and not counseling either because he refuses to go. There isn't anything that CAN work, and here is the reason why.....



LikelyImperfect said:


> I don't want to get divorced, I don't want to get seperated.


That's the reason right there. If you are not willing to give up on something and walk away from it, then you have no choice but to put up with it. You are not willing to change but you know what? Your husband is not willing to change either. So, where do you think that leaves you?

And this right here.....



LikelyImperfect said:


> I know that at this moment I can't live on my own because of my financial burdens. (I have been a stay at home wife/mom for the most part, working part time on a very minimal income to have money for my needs and wants)


.....means you are pathetically desperate. It means you have no leverage. It means you have zero power in this marriage. It means you just have to tolerate whatever he dishes out at you. Real nice being a SAHM and being totally dependent on him, isn't it?

So, let me show you what pathetically desperate with no leverage and zero power means.....



LikelyImperfect said:


> he proceeded to make a comment about how he has simply been playing house all this time while his children were living in an awful situation with their mother.


.....it means you take THAT kind of crap from him and all you can do is be hurt and start crying and keep wishing he would listen to you and talk to you. He as much as told you you and the marriage mean nothing to him, but what can you do do about that? All you can do is hope he doesn't leave you, so you kiss his butt some more and beg him to listen to what you have to say.

You're here whining about your husband, but you're the one who needs to get yourself together. You're the one who needs to get a job so you can walk out that door and never look back. You're the one who needs counseling and needs to read books so you find your self esteem in them. You need to know your own worth because you have no worth to him as long you don't have any to yourself, and no confidence, no self esteem, and just want to keep whining to him and on this board for somebody to listen to you.

In general, people are naturally abusive. Men abuse women who allow themselves to be abused. Your husband doesn't give a darn about what you think or how you feel because you don't demand that any of it matters to him. You just keep whining every time he hurts your feelings, instead of telling him to go screw himself. Instead of walking out the door and demanding that he either respect you or he can't be with you, you found someone else to whine to - a whole bunch of people on this board. Your husband treats you the way you allow him to treat you. Yes, there are lots of helpful books and counseling is always a good idea, but nothing will help as long as you keep thinking he's the one who needs to change. What you want is for somebody make him behave, but there's no one to do that, not even his mother.

So, instead of expecting people to feel sorry and solve your problems, start helping yourself because there is no one who can help you if you don't help yourself.

Rather than complaining and getting your feelings hurt, get MAD. Get ANGRY that he treats you so badly and be determined not to put up with it anymore. Become independent and stop making yourself available to him until you're able to walk out the door. And then.....walk out the door.

You'd be surprised of the change him after YOU decide to change. Refusing to go to marriage counseling? Nope, he will be asking you to go. When you become independent, you will have confidence and self respect. You won't allow him or anyone to mistreat you. And you will look back on these days and these years with disdain and wonder how you ever became that kind of desperate woman.

Find resources that are available, like housing programs to help you pay rent and food stamps. Take advantage of everything you can until you can be self sufficient. How can the fear of taking care of yourself and working toward independence be so much worse than putting up with HIS bullcrap?


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

CarlaRose said:


> I don't know what people here are telling you, but I have zero faith anything they say can possibly work. Not a book because your husband isn't going to read any of them and wouldn't do what it says if he did


Carla, did you even look at the book I recommended? It's called Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds Of Angry And Controlling Men, and it tells women why abusers will never stop. And why they should leave.


----------

