# Confused



## TJO

I am new here.
We have been separated for almost 8 months. Previously, we were only talking and not seeing each other when I get the kids. During the last 3 months, we have been going out on weekends with the kids. I even hang out with them at her place (our house). We talk and sometimes we would be close to each other. She would let me massage her feet, back and her legs. Sometimes, I would even kiss her legs, her feet (just like what I use to do her) and hug her. She does not complain about it. When I leave, I sometimes give her a hug and a kiss on the cheek. 

When she cooks, she would separate some so I can bring it with me. Lately, she would also want me to eat with her and the kids at her place.

She would also let me buy things for her when we go out at the mall.

Last fathers day, she told me that she would treat me with the kids and she even bought present. Last week was her birthday and I asked her what she wanted. She told me what she wanted her so I bought if for her. She even told me that she wanted to have dinner with kids and her mom on her birthday.

I have been very attentive to her and the kids. I made sure they are not having a hard time financially since I love them.

However, when I start talking about our relationship, she becomes uncomfortable. Here is what she wrote to me.

It's really difficult for me to explain to you how I feel. I am trying my best to give it a chance which is the reason why I hang out with you. But for some reason, I get so uncomfortable when you start talking about our relationship. I don't know why. And when you ask me to go out, I feel so much pressure. Right now, I am enjoying a stress-free, pressure-free environment. That's why I get so rattled when my environment changes. I don't know why I just get so tired when discussions about us occur. I feel like my body is shutting down. I hope you understand that maybe, I'm just not ready for these conversations. 

I appreciate everything that you do for us. I won't blame you if you decide enough is enough. I just want to be open and honest with you. 

I am somewhat confused with her messages.
Would you let your husband kiss you on the cheek, be very close to him and let him massage you while sitting and go out with kids and her mother if she does not have any feeling for you?


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## TJO

Hope somebody can give me an insight if this may lead to reconciliation. . .


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## that_girl

Well, we don't know the background?

Why are you separated?


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## tom67

What was the reason for separating?
Was it her idea?


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## TJO

I would have to say I did not put emphasis in our marriage. We both worked with two kids (boy 16 and girl 11). It's work, travelling for work, kids, house work, etc. I did not abuse her or shouted on her. I am pretty sure there is no 3rd party. Same for me, I did not mess around. She works and comes home on time. She does not like to socialize too much, barely. She takes care of the kids very well.

Within the last three months, we almost go out with the kids for lunch and she hangs out with me most of the time. Either at the house of outside.


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## that_girl

So what happened?

You have to tell us WHAT HAPPENED.


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## TJO

And yes, it was her idea to separate. It came to the point that I did the nagging, pursuing, etc and it got stressful that she could not handle it anymore.

Before we separated, i had her wrote what she did not like about me. Recently, her brother told me that she see that I have really changed.


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## tom67

TJO said:


> And yes, it was her idea to separate. It came to the point that I did the nagging, pursuing, etc and it got stressful that she could not handle it anymore.
> 
> Before we separated, i had her wrote what she did not like about me. Recently, her brother told me that she see that I have really changed.


What do you ultimately want to get back together or just coparent with her.
Ask her out to dinner and just lay your cards on the table.
You don't want to be walking on eggshells forever. Just my opinion.


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## TJO

Yes, I really love her and want to get back with her and get my family. But when I talk about marriage, she get quite. She tells me that she feels tired and exhausted when I start talking about marriage.

Maybe she is not ready for a full reconciliation. I am trying to understand if a wife who does not have any feeling of love or care will allow the husband the following:
- Kiss her on the cheeks
- Be very close when sitting and let me caress her (massage her back and legs)
- hug her
- go out with her mother and kids for lunch and dinner
- let me buy her present and even tell me what she wanted
- buys you present for fathers day
- share her cooking to me

My wife is a very nice person and very reasonable.


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## tulsy

TJO said:


> Yes, I really love her and want to get back with her and get my family. But when I talk about marriage, she get quite. She tells me that she feels tired and exhausted when I start talking about marriage.
> 
> Maybe she is not ready for a full reconciliation. I am trying to understand if a wife who does not have any feeling of love or care will allow the husband the following:
> - Kiss her on the cheeks
> - Be very close when sitting and let me caress her (massage her back and legs)
> - hug her
> - go out with her mother and kids for lunch and dinner
> - let me buy her present and even tell me what she wanted
> - buys you present for fathers day
> - share her cooking to me
> 
> My wife is a very nice person and very reasonable.


Friend zoned. Love's you but not in love with you.

More details would help.


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## TJO

Thanks Tulsy.
On her birthday, i gave her a surprise dinner at the house with the kids and her mother in law. After dinner, we were talking outside and I kissed her cheeks. After that, I asked her if I can get a real kiss from her. She let me. I got inform from her brother that she sees that I changed for her. He also said that her mom told him that she can see her changing and possibly considering.

I don't see friendship as bad. Maybe it can lead back to reconciliation. But maybe I am too hopeful.


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## tulsy

Confused is a good title for this thread...anyone reading it will be just that.

TJO, why did you and your wife separate 8 months ago?
What led to the collapse of the marriage?
How long were you married?
How many kids?

Deets, bro.


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## TJO

Me: 48
Wife: 46
Married: 24 year
Son: 16 yrs
Daughter: 11 yrs
Separated: 8m

My feeling is it all started as emotional disconnection since I did not put priority in our marriage. Both of us work, I sometimes travel for work, kids, house work, kids activity, etc, etc, etc. I should have made our marriage my 1st priority. I shouted on my son two times and that hurt her. 1st time, I taught my son to ride his bicycle. One time, he went out to his classmates house riding a few blocks from our house riding the bike. It was past 10PM and I was really worried. They I kinda shouted on him when he came back. The other time, i was suppose to bring him for his ortho treatement. He was doing sports in school and I left work early to bring him to the ortho. He was so late that we missed his ortho and I got upset and shouted at him again inside the car. She is very close to the kids and I know that hurt her. Her mom even told me that she cried at one time because of that attitude of mine. I know my wife has a very soft heart.

During that time, she told me that we have a problem. I kinda ignored it and did not put too much attention to it. I started to become quiet so I don't create any disagreement. I guess by being quiet and not fixing the problem immediately was a wrong move for me. By the time I tried to pull her back, she was already emotionally disconnected.

When I tried to start fixing our relationship or marriage, I tried the nagging, pulling, pursuing and that created a lot of tension. I did not abuse or even shouted at her. I am not that person. However, the tension was to high that she felt is would be best if we would separate. The kids are also feeling the tension. I did not agree and tried to pull more and I finally gave in.

I did promise that I would support them and provide as much as I can since I don't want her and the kids to have a hard time financially. I kept that promise and she is thankful for it. She knows that I am that type of person.


During the 1st two months of our separation, she did not want to see me or be with me. For the last 3 months or so, we go out during saturday for lunch and I hang out with her at her place (our house). She is also warm to me and let me hug her, kiss her on the cheek to say hello and goodbye, massage her and be very close to her.

Recently, she told me that she wants to be happy when I am with her. Me being sad or talking about the problem stresses her. 

My wife is likes to stay home, does not drink and does not socialized a lot. If we are on a party, she is the type of person that wants to go home at about 11PM. Does not matter even if it is her sisters party.

Is it just she needs more time to heal?


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## TJO

I would like to get the women's point of view. . .


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## Dedicated2Her

TJO said:


> Me: 48
> Wife: 46
> Married: 24 year
> Son: 16 yrs
> Daughter: 11 yrs
> Separated: 8m
> 
> My feeling is it all started as emotional disconnection since I did not put priority in our marriage. Both of us work, I sometimes travel for work, kids, house work, kids activity, etc, etc, etc. I should have made our marriage my 1st priority. I shouted on my son two times and that hurt her. 1st time, I taught my son to ride his bicycle. One time, he went out to his classmates house riding a few blocks from our house riding the bike. It was past 10PM and I was really worried. They I kinda shouted on him when he came back. The other time, i was suppose to bring him for his ortho treatement. He was doing sports in school and I left work early to bring him to the ortho. He was so late that we missed his ortho and I got upset and shouted at him again inside the car. She is very close to the kids and I know that hurt her. Her mom even told me that she cried at one time because of that attitude of mine. I know my wife has a very soft heart.
> 
> During that time, she told me that we have a problem. I kinda ignored it and did not put too much attention to it. I started to become quiet so I don't create any disagreement. I guess by being quiet and not fixing the problem immediately was a wrong move for me. By the time I tried to pull her back, she was already emotionally disconnected.
> 
> When I tried to start fixing our relationship or marriage, I tried the nagging, pulling, pursuing and that created a lot of tension. I did not abuse or even shouted at her. I am not that person. However, the tension was to high that she felt is would be best if we would separate. The kids are also feeling the tension. I did not agree and tried to pull more and I finally gave in.
> 
> I did promise that I would support them and provide as much as I can since I don't want her and the kids to have a hard time financially. I kept that promise and she is thankful for it. She knows that I am that type of person.
> 
> 
> During the 1st two months of our separation, she did not want to see me or be with me. For the last 3 months or so, we go out during saturday for lunch and I hang out with her at her place (our house). She is also warm to me and let me hug her, kiss her on the cheek to say hello and goodbye, massage her and be very close to her.
> 
> Recently, she told me that she wants to be happy when I am with her. Me being sad or talking about the problem stresses her.
> 
> My wife is likes to stay home, does not drink and does not socialized a lot. If we are on a party, she is the type of person that wants to go home at about 11PM. Does not matter even if it is her sisters party.
> 
> Is it just she needs more time to heal?


You sound like me a few years ago. You shouted a few times at your son and it hurt her? Good grief. We are all human! First off, you need to stop all communication with her about "the relationship". STOP. You can't talk your way into a relationship with her.

Listen to what you are saying. She "let you" do this, and she "let you" do that. What are you, her servant? How is that attractive? You are doing "relationship" type things when she has done nothing to earn that part. It makes you look pathetic that you would massage and do all the "touchy/feely" type things without pursuing sex. Sorry, it just does.

Have you guys gone to counseling, either marriage or individual? 



> I did promise that I would support them and provide as much as I can since I don't want her and the kids to have a hard time financially. I kept that promise and she is thankful for it. She knows that I am that type of person.


Well, you aren't helping yourself there. Now you are enabling a woman to live comfortably while being a wayward spouse. It's called enabling a "cake eating" lifestyle. Of course she "lets" you do some things. She wants your money, and she wants comfort. Sure, she "wants" to be happy with you according to her words, but what do her ACTIONS say? From what you have described, she is going to be "nice" to you until the kids are out of the house. Then, she will be free to go find "that spark that has been missing from her life."

What have you done for YOU, in order to make yourself the best you possible. You need to refocus on you instead of her. That will ease the pressure off of her and allow her to breathe. It means......giving up control.

And asking for a woman's point of view is stupid. You are looking for ways to manipulate to get what you want. STOP.


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## EleGirl

You have two threads on the same topic. You probably should delete the other one. This one has more comments so it makes more sense to keep this one.


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/204322-whats-future.html


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## zillard

TJO said:


> But when I talk about marriage, she get quite. She tells me that she feels tired and exhausted when I start talking about marriage.
> 
> I am trying to understand if a wife who does not have any feeling of love or care will allow the husband the following:
> - Kiss her on the cheeks
> - Be very close when sitting and let me caress her (massage her back and legs)
> - hug her
> - go out with her mother and kids for lunch and dinner
> - let me buy her present and even tell me what she wanted
> - buys you present for fathers day
> - share her cooking to me


Who WOULDN'T? 

Imagine you had a woman that was willing to come over, rub your feet, tell you how awesome your cooking is, buy you gifts, caress you, and then leave as soon as you say you're done, only to come back and do the same, no matter how long you sit there being pampered with no reciprocity. 

Dam, it'd be very hard NOT to take advantage of a cute little lap dog like that. 

I understand you're hurting, and that sucks man. But it sounds like you're a puppy who's afraid of his own bark. That doesn't mean start growling and biting things, but stop licking her legs begging for attention.


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## zillard

TJO said:


> After that, I asked her if I can get a real kiss from her. She let me.


Don't ask. Kiss her and LET her kiss you back. 



TJO said:


> However, when I start talking about our relationship, she becomes uncomfortable.


Because that takes work on her part. Stop initiating, go out and have some fun, do things for you, enjoy yourself. She isn't going to work to be with you until she wants to. When she wants to, she'll let you know. How long you are ok with that is up to you. 



TJO said:


> I am trying my best to give it a chance which is the reason why I hang out with you.


I hang out with you to give YOU a chance to chase me with no work on my part. 



TJO said:


> And when you ask me to go out, I feel so much pressure.


Because you're asking again. And again. Plan something and TELL her you'll be going. She's welcome to come along if she wants to have fun. If not, that's where you'll be.



TJO said:


> Right now, I am enjoying a stress-free, pressure-free environment. That's why I get so rattled when my environment changes. I don't know why I just get so tired when discussions about us occur.


She just told you WHY she doesn't like the discussions. Because she can't be bothered with that stress and would rather be pampered. 

Are you OK with that?



TJO said:


> I won't blame you if you decide enough is enough.


= Lets see how long he'll let me do this before he steps up and takes the lead.


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## Pamvhv

I'd just give her time. Keep doing what you're doing without the pressure.


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## TJO

Last weekend, we went out with the kids and both of has had a grease time.

I did ask her maybe its time to reconcile.
She said it is too early.
However, she said that she loves me and cares a lot about me. She wants to bring back the spark in our relationship.

She also said "we could have been closer now if I stopped talking about how sorry I am for the neglect and the pressure".


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