# I need advice, my wife wants a break



## Tuckfo (Mar 28, 2013)

My wife wants a break to be alone.. we have a 10 month old daughter. I am currently deployed to Afghanistan and have about 4 months to go. about a week ago from today (2/28/2013) me and her were better than ever. we were talking about our next baby and how we couldn't wait. she was herself. I was happy. even though I am away from my family. I spilled my heart out to her telling her to not leave me and she just replies with I want space to be alone. that she wants to go out and learn from her mistakes and see someone else... I am depressed. it is terrible especially because im here alone. I don't have anybody else.. my wife and daughter is my family and I cant lose them. I am trying ot give her space but its so hard. please any help or advice would be greatly appreciated...


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Find out who the other man is.

A wife who wants space is really saying: "I've met someone..."


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

Hate to say it. But, she wants space to be alone. With another man. Like F-102 said, find out who he is. Stop begging her not to leave. It will do the opposite.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

Well, yeah -- she met someone. She admitted as such. There is someone waiting in the wings for her. She wants a vacation from your marriage. She wants space so she can do what she wants with whomever she wants and not feel guilty as you two are "on a break". Well, give me a freaking break! 

And she knows that you are so desperate not to be alone that she can come running back to you when she is done doing whatever she is doing. And you are going to accept whatever crumbs she is offering up. I understand that you two have a child together and that makes things more complicated but would you want your child growing up in a household where there is mistrust and disrespect? My mom was a doormat too and I had many years of unhealthy relationships under my belt. 

When are you going to admit that it is not ok for your wife to have a boyfriend? She either needs to be all in or all out of this marriage but you are essentially OK with letting her have the best of both worlds simply because you don't want to be alone. That makes me very sad for you.  

The military offers counseling, right? I suggest you go see one. Please. 

And for the love of god, please don't have another child with this woman.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I'm very sorry that you are going through this. Especially so far from home.

In reality, there is little you can do from that distance if that's what she wants to do. Hopefully, there is someone there you can discuss this with.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

As others have said, you've become her Plan B. She needs time to work on Plan A.

If that's unacceptable to you, then you need to come down on her hard. She needs to know that her cheating with another man will mean divorce. You will no longer support her.

Talk to a divorce lawyer. Know your rights. If you live in a state where adultery matters, then gather evidence. She has likely already cheated. Then, lay out your wife's choices. If she chooses her boyfriend, then she gets partial custody of your child, she has to get a job (if she doesn't already have one), and she moves out of your home. If she chooses you, then she immediately ends all contact with the other man, recommits to you, and you go to marriage counseling.

Good luck.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Find out who the OM is because he is already with her now.

Do you have anyone where she lives than can check up on her / watch her to see who's staying over at your place or where she us staying? Because there is another guy she's with already guaranteed.


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## Tuckfo (Mar 28, 2013)

she said that she wants space to just be alone right now. I might have pushed her away with me trying so hard to not let her leave. I love her and I want to be with her and I feel like if I don't give up and just respect the space that she wants that things will work out in the end. I know she hasn't cheated or has been with another guy yet. she has been under a lot of stress since ive let with family issues of her own and other things that have gone wrong back home. I think and I hope that this is just a phase and that she will find her true feelings again. I pray that this is just a rough patch. she still talks to me every day. I just keep the conversatiopns short and sweet. she still tells me she loves me. I don't know. this is very hard


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## Tuckfo (Mar 28, 2013)

i know the more i try the more it will push her away. i love her a lot but i want this to work more for the sake of our daughter. i don't want my daughter to grow up with divorced parents. i hated that when i was growing up. i feel that if i just respect the space as much as it hurts that things will work out. i know that when she sees me when i get home that things will be different face to face. instead of us just sending messages.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You are deployed on the other side of the world, you can't give her any more space without going into space.

Seriously, we've seen this so many times before. She's cheating on you, and she's playing with you. Stop listening to the lies and think about what she's saying. It just doesn't make any sense.

Find the OM, find who he is and expose the affair. 

Have someone see who she's with now,


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## Furious George (Nov 14, 2011)

Tuckfo said:


> i know the more i try the more it will push her away. i love her a lot but i want this to work more for the sake of our daughter. i don't want my daughter to grow up with divorced parents. i hated that when i was growing up. i feel that if i just respect the space as much as it hurts that things will work out. i know that when she sees me when i get home that things will be different face to face. instead of us just sending messages.


Sorry you are here. I'm not so sure that raising your child in a toxic relationship is worse than being divorced. I had the same thought, but you may be surprised how your relationship with your child can actually thrive.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Thanks for your serves. If it wasn't for you i would be dealing with hajji at my front door...so thank you!

You must stop begging for you marriage and make your chick face the reality she is asking for by cutting her off and wishing her the best.

Ya I know your kid will suffer but the reality is your chick is screwing around and is so fogged in that the tough love approach is the only way you can have a chance in pulling her out of her fantasy.

No more housing, no more bills getting paid, no more financing your screwing around.

Give what she is asking for and she just might not like what she is asking for!!!!

Sometimes you have to let them go to get them back.

So please start protecting your self financially and talk to a chaplain and other services and educate your self with the options you have.

Cuz begging and crying for this marriage is the wrong approach.

Chick dig confident guys and your old lady needs to see a man that will not phuck around with this "I need space" crap!

Thats my $0.02


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## Fledgling (Feb 3, 2013)

Well, I am going to be the dissenting opinion here. You are deployed and she is lonely and she misses you. This is apparent in talking about another baby one minute and saying she wants to be alone the next. She wants to connect with you but is afraid. She is raising your child essentially alone while you are deployed. That's not your fault. You aren't neglecting her. It's just a fact of life. Plus, your baby is so young, your wife may be suffering from some form of post partum depression. Add to that a very real fear for your safety and it's no wonder she is a emotional mess. If what you are saying about other family stressors is true that doesn't help either.

It is true that she is probably vulnerable to predatory men, however, if she's never given you cause to doubt her fidelity that would be the last conclusion I would jump to if I were you. Four months might seem like a long time to both of you, right now. I wouldn't "take a break" if I were you. Rather I think you ought to gently remind her that four months isn't that long and if she can just weather the storm a bit longer you can help her work through her emotions when you return. Don't beg her. Acknowledge her feelings. Tell her that this news is out of the blue and that in fairness to your marriage and your child that this is a discussion that you need to have face to face.

Take a look at this link:

Marital Counseling, Military Family Resources at Real Warriors

The military has lots of resources that you and your wife can take advantage of.

Good Luck.


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## Tuckfo (Mar 28, 2013)

Fledgling said:


> Well, I am going to be the dissenting opinion here. You are deployed and she is lonely and she misses you. This is apparent in talking about another baby one minute and saying she wants to be alone the next. She wants to connect with you but is afraid. She is raising your child essentially alone while you are deployed. That's not your fault. You aren't neglecting her. It's just a fact of life. Plus, your baby is so young, your wife may be suffering from some form of post partum depression. Add to that a very real fear for your safety and it's no wonder she is a emotional mess. If what you are saying about other family stressors is true that doesn't help either.
> 
> It is true that she is probably vulnerable to predatory men, however, if she's never given you cause to doubt her fidelity that would be the last conclusion I would jump to if I were you. Four months might seem like a long time to both of you, right now. I wouldn't "take a break" if I were you. Rather I think you ought to gently remind her that four months isn't that long and if she can just weather the storm a bit longer you can help her work through her emotions when you return. Don't beg her. Acknowledge her feelings. Tell her that this news is out of the blue and that in fairness to your marriage and your child that this is a discussion that you need to have face to face.
> 
> ...


I know my wife isn't cheating on me and I know she isn't seeing another guy. she lives with her grandma and shes with our daughter every day and night. my thoughts are that she is depressed and stressed out to the max. knowing my wife, this is her way of just trying to escape reality. yes I know that its not right. but im going to follow what my heart wants. shes not spending my money either, we have been saving my deployment money, she works on the weekends and she uses that for gas and the cell phone bill. I love her with everything that I have and I know that she loves me. we have a lot invested in each other financially and emotionally. we have made a lot of plans that require me in them. this is the hardest thing for me emotionally and mentally and im doing my best to just give her space in hopes that she snaps back into reality and comes to her senses. I have faith in her and I willing to forgive her for this. shes lost and so far me trying to tell her how I truly feel to get her to realize is just pushing her away. we still talk everyday. short conversations. always end with I love you's. im fighting the urge to spill my heart out. I wont give up on her I never have before its not like me to do that. if nothing gets better when I get home I will still try my hardest to make her realize. and once I have given my best and if she still is stupid and denies me, that is when I will let it go forever. but I don't want that.. Im trying my hardest to be happy over here but Idk how. I need to find peace in myself and I cant


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## Vorlon (Sep 13, 2012)

First thank you for serving your country. I am retired USAF and am currently working in a position that directly looks after folks like you. In other words been there done that and got many t-shirts. 

Let me start with choices. We make them everyday. By action and inaction. Its still a choice. Your wife made a choice to marry you and only you. She made a sacred vow to be your wife and she chose to have your child. She is a military wife. Again she made that choice as did you. 

A military wife has to be a special breed of women. They are tested beyond the norm on a regular basis. Its about character and integrity. You have to trust each other 100% for it to last. She may not be capable of being a military wife. Lucky mine was but I saw many who were not. But I can also tell you the guys that stuck to there guns and refused to roll over wee the ones who survived either with their wife or the wife they ended up meeting after divorcing the unfit one. 

I am sorry that you find yourself in this situation. You are not the only one this has happened too nor is your situation unique. Talk to your Chaplin ASAP. Do not be too embarrassed to seek help. You will need it. In fact if you go over to the *Coping with Infidelity CWI *section of this board you will find out about the cheaters script that your wife is beginning to act out. She is spewing word for word from it right now. 

First she is lonely, she is stressed and she is making bad choices. None of this is your fault. She is sleeping with or will be sleeping with other men. She will lie to you. She will lie to protect her own image of herself. Cheaters lie, it s fact. She is not the wife you married or more likely she is the wife you married but never met. The one with the insecurities, the selfish outlook that means she will chose to make herself feel better at any expense. In this case the expense of your marriage. This is in part because you are gone and she doesn't feel married. She feels abandoned. Again this is not your fault. But it still does not justify her actions. You must remember that. You have some tough days ahead. I wish I could tell you it will get easier and everything will work out with your wife and family. They may or may not but you can not base your thoughts feelings and future on that. 

One thing for sure is it will workout one way or another. And if you want to have even a sliver of a chance at a family with her you have to have the mindset that you are willing to lose it to make it better. This means you have to kill the fear you are experiencing right now. Fear will kill your marriage faster than a bullet. You must find that quiet place of resolve to act from a position of: I will survive with or without her. You can be wonderful father to your child without your current wife. There is a women out there right now that would love to be your wife, have your children and be faithful and trustworthy. You are only limited by your fear. You can handle this. 

I know this is sudden and you don't understand how the women you love could do this to you and your family but let me tell you it will not make sense. It is not rational. It is emotional. It is destructive. It is not your fault. Do not be a victim. 

So tell her that she might want a separation. But you are separated. She wants to be alone. Tell her she is alone. So if she sees another man it is adultery. Until you are legally separated and or divorced. Do not back down on this. Tell her you do not agree to this separation so that she can be free to check out other options. If she pursues this then you will start divorce proceedings. Make sure you expose to family and friends as cheaters hate to be outed. They then have to face the horrible selfish things they are doing. Again go to the CWI section on this board and people will walk you through each step. What is happening to you is very common and there are very clear steps to follow to combat it. Head up, Chin up. You will survive this one way or the other. Its your choice on how you deal with it. You can only control you and how you react to what life puts in front of you. 

Good luck


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Tuckfo said:


> I know my wife isn't cheating on me and I know she isn't seeing another guy.





Tuckfo said:


> she wants to go out and learn from her mistakes and see someone else.


:scratchhead:


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## Fledgling (Feb 3, 2013)

Tuckfo said:


> I know my wife isn't cheating on me and I know she isn't seeing another guy. she lives with her grandma and shes with our daughter every day and night. my thoughts are that she is depressed and stressed out to the max. knowing my wife, this is her way of just trying to escape reality. yes I know that its not right. but im going to follow what my heart wants. shes not spending my money either, we have been saving my deployment money, she works on the weekends and she uses that for gas and the cell phone bill. I love her with everything that I have and I know that she loves me. we have a lot invested in each other financially and emotionally. we have made a lot of plans that require me in them. this is the hardest thing for me emotionally and mentally and im doing my best to just give her space in hopes that she snaps back into reality and comes to her senses. I have faith in her and I willing to forgive her for this. shes lost and so far me trying to tell her how I truly feel to get her to realize is just pushing her away. we still talk everyday. short conversations. always end with I love you's. im fighting the urge to spill my heart out. I wont give up on her I never have before its not like me to do that. if nothing gets better when I get home I will still try my hardest to make her realize. and once I have given my best and if she still is stupid and denies me, that is when I will let it go forever. but I don't want that.. Im trying my hardest to be happy over here but Idk how. I need to find peace in myself and I cant


It's obvious that you love your wife very much. It must kill you not to be together and must be very lonely for you as well as her. Just a word of caution about your thought process here. If you look around TAM you will see many people call their spouse's feelings "stupid" or "idiotic" or they need to "snap out of it" or "come to their senses". Do not do this. Also don't act like you are "benevolent" and you'll be ever so gracious as to forgive her for being stressed. Like I said your child is still very young. I would not rule out post partum depression.

PSI Support for Military Families

If you still talk everyday, end the convos with ILYs, and she's not screwing you over financially, it may be better to treat this as something that will pass and blow over at least while you are deployed. You don't have to cling to her to get her to stay, in fact you do that you may very well be creating a bad situation where there wasn't really one previously. Continue to reassure her that you will be home before she knows it. That big talks like this need to be held face to face, but that if she needs a shoulder, even a virtual one, you will always be there for her.


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## ladymalin (Mar 26, 2013)

Tuckfo, 

I hope you are right. Having a young child is stressful even when a spouse is home every night. They just don't give moms a rest. She might be feeling overstressed as a mom. For your sake, I hope she just needs a break from the baby and the work merry-go-round. 
If you have any doubts, hire a private investigator for a short time to check up on things.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Tuckfo said:


> she wants to go out and learn from her mistakes and *see someone else*...


Are your ears working? 



> she works on the weekends


So she isn't home every day like you said. 


She is seeing someone, and you need to lay down the law instead of kissing her butt. Nothing thrills a cheater more than the spouse and the other man both groveling at her feet. She's the most powerful woman on earth.

If you have anyone you trust at home that can help you with some detective work, that might break through your denial. After she gets off work would be a very good time to have someone following her. Affair partners can't wait to get their hands on each other.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Tuck,

I'd also have to say that the chances are high that she's already involved with someone else.

Again, no one here can be 100% sure about that but you should see if you can do some investigating and see what she's up to

Thank you for your service to our countrt and I hope I am wrong about this. I really do


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> *You are deployed on the other side of the world, you can't give her any more space without going into space.*
> 
> Seriously, we've seen this so many times before. She's cheating on you, and she's playing with you. Stop listening to the lies and think about what she's saying. It just doesn't make any sense.
> 
> ...


Not quite true. When the OP comes back, she can simply leave and give him the daughter no strings attached. Then she'd have the baby out of her hair too. 

If it wasn't for the phrase in the OP where she told him that she wanted a do-over in order to not make the same mistakes with other guys that she made with the OP, I would chalk this up to "baby fatigue". It may still be baby fatigue, but with her comments about seeing someone else...that's not good.

OP, any chance you can quit the military after this tour in Afghanistan? Part of her mindset may be that she no longer wishes to be "married to the military".


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Sigh. Dude. The probability is approximately 85 percent she is cheating.

Damn damn damn another soldier gets screwed.

Got any friends who can do some low level snooping? I rather doubt she is hiding it much. Yes you should get more evidence before acting. I doubt it will be hard to come by.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

Out of curiousity, how old are you and your wife? Has she had many relationships prior to you?


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