# I really need to come here more often



## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

I haven't posted on here in over a year. The other day I read my first & only post I made on here. I read my post as if I was a stranger & wanted to give advice. The advice I wanted to give myself is that you just need to leave him.

Here is the link to my first post:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/38698-sick-tired-being-sick-tired.html

The one thing I can say that has changed is that he has stopped hanging out with the friends he would stay out all night with. He hasn't stayed out all night in over a year. But the emotional abuse & the verbal abuse is still going strong. My daughter is now 2 years old & for the first time ever witnessed her father grab my arm really roughly the other night. She got so scared & upset that she started crying. It devastated me to see her cry like that. 

Of course, when my husband grabbed my arm really hard he had also been drinking. When he fell asleep I packed a few things & went to my mother's house. He was shocked to see that I had left the house with our daughter. Usually when we argue he is the one that grabs the car keys & leaves for hours. This time it was me that left. 

I did come back home the next day & we talked. But we always do that after arguing we talk & then he ends up doing the same BS again. He said some really harsh words to me, things that you just don't say to anyone.

I know I need to leave him & divorce him. But why do I still stay? I don't want my daughter to ever witness what she saw the other day. When she was crying it totally devastated me & thinking about it now makes me want to cry all over again.

I notice the same thing with all of my relationships. I know I need to leave but it always takes me a long time to actually do it. When I do leave, I eventually feel great. But why does it always take me so long to leave?!?

I really need to get a divorce. I need to just do it. Please help me follow through.  I am already selling a few things that I have to save up money for a lawyer. I also enrolled in a pre-paid legal plan that is available through my job. So my lawyer fees are at a reduced rate.

This "staying for my daughter" business is not working for me. It is up to me to make the necessary changes.

Advice & support will be greatly appreciated.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Get out now. Any man that lays a hand on a woman is a pos.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

Thound said:


> Get out now. Any man that lays a hand on a woman is a pos.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You are so right about that....


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I agree with the above post. The only way he'll change (if he ever does) is when he hits rock bottom. And because you're tolerating his behavior, he'll never reach that while you're there. 

So get out. Worry about saving up money after you get out, if possible. Can you move in with your mom, a family member, a friend? Is anyone able to help you with childcare if you work?

Btw, speaking from a male perspective, and I recognize I'm in the ladies forum... I'll butt out if desired. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The reason you stay so long is because you do not have a plan. You are living day by day. 

Make a plan and work it. Do a google search on "domestic violence exit strategy" Here are the first two things that popped up....


Dr. Phil.com - Advice - An Exit Action Plan: Guidelines for Leaving an Abusive Relationship

Battered Women's Shelter_Create a Safety Plan

Make your plan and start working it... one day at a time. It's daunting to think of doing it all at one time. But you can work an item or two a day.

Also, call the police on him if he lays hands on you. Have him removed permanently from the home... the next time he hurts you


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

PBear said:


> I agree with the above post. The only way he'll change (if he ever does) is when he hits rock bottom. And because you're tolerating his behavior, he'll never reach that while you're there.
> 
> So get out. Worry about saving up money after you get out, if possible. Can you move in with your mom, a family member, a friend? Is anyone able to help you with childcare if you work?
> 
> ...


I work full time & the house we live in I bought it before he & I started dating. I refuse to leave this house, the one that should be leaving is him. My daughter is in daycare during the day & if I did need to stay somewhere I could easily stay with my mother.

But I do need to go about things very carefully. He is a vindictive person & would flatten my tires & do stupid stuff like that to make it hard for me.


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> *The reason you stay so long is because you do not have a plan. You are living day by day.
> 
> Make a plan and work it. Do a google search on "domestic violence exit strategy" Here are the first two things that popped up....*
> Dr. Phil.com - Advice - An Exit Action Plan: Guidelines for Leaving an Abusive Relationship
> ...


Thank you so much for this. I will take a look at it & start working on a plan.


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## LoveAtDaisys (Jul 3, 2013)

It's your house? You bought it before you two were married?

In that case, is he on the lease/contract? If not, it's your house, and you are well within your legal rights to kick him out. With police assistance if necessary. The fact he laid hands on you (and it sounds like more than once) is more than enough proof to get a restraining order, as well.

He hurt you. That is NEVER okay.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

JustTired said:


> Thank you so much for this. I will take a look at it & start working on a plan.


The plan can be modified so that he has to leave.

All the things it says about finances and safety, you need those where you stay in the house or not. 

The next time he puts his hands on you call the police. Get a restraining order against him.

While the house is in your name, it's his legal residence. So check with the laws in your state on how to kick him out. Unless the police remove him or he leaves of his own will, you might have to give him written notice of eviction.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

LoveAtDaisys said:


> It's your house? You bought it before you two were married?
> 
> In that case, is he on the lease/contract? If not, it's your house, and you are well within your legal rights to kick him out. With police assistance if necessary. The fact he laid hands on you (and it sounds like more than once) is more than enough proof to get a restraining order, as well.
> 
> He hurt you. That is NEVER okay.


It's the matrimonial home, regardless of her owning it prior, most likely. And the best way for her to kick him out is with a restraining order. On the plus side, that will also force him to stay away from her house, her car, her place of work...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

I live in the state of MD. In the my state even though the house is in my name only (deed & mortgage are in my name) it is still his legal residence & tenant/landlord laws come into play. This means that I have to give him a 30 day notice to leave the property unless I call the police or file for a restraining order.

The reason why I didn't call the police on Saturday was because my daughter was already upset & I didn't know how he would react when the police arrived. He had been drinking (he also has an alcohol problem) & just didn't want craziness going on in the house. But I see that I should do that if it happens again. I did take pictures of the marks he left on my arm. Could I take that to the police now?

He has grabbed me up before in the past. But this was the first time he ever did that in front of our daughter.

I have enrolled in a pre-paid legal service through my job. So I will be able to get a lawyer at a discounted price. It becomes effective next week, so I am going to make myself an appointment with a lawyer & discuss my situation.

This may be a dumb question, but since I am in an abusive situation...should I be acting like everything is OK until I am ready to make my move? As in the day he gets served? He can be a very vindictive person & is the type to vandalize my car & property just to prove a point. I know he will refuse to give me the spare car key (the car is also titled in my name only).


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I would recommend you pretend everything is ok until you can talk to your lawyer, and talk about a restraining order right away.

And yes, I'd agree that you should have called the police the last time. His reaction to the police is his issue. But hindsight is often 20/20.

In the meantime, go get one of the Sony VAR's that get mentioned in the infidelity forums. If he starts drinking, make sure it's on you. Or just leave with your daughter. And make sure your pictures of your bruises are stashed somewhere safe out of his reach.

C


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## FemBot (May 1, 2013)

Would you want your daughter to marry a man like this? You are building the blueprint for her on what to expect from relationships and how men treat women. You are also showing her you think you're worth nothing so she feels like she's worth nothing. 

I am so glad you are standing up for yourself and your daughter. You are teaching her a very valuable lesson. You can look back at this post a year from now and be proud of the woman you've become and the strength that you've shown. All the best 

P.s. i would make sure my daughter was elsewhere if you decide to wait until he gets served. If he goes haywire she shouldn't be there to witness it.


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

FemBot said:


> Would you want your daughter to marry a man like this? You are building the blueprint for her on what to expect from relationships and how men treat women. You are also showing her you think you're worth nothing so she feels like she's worth nothing.
> 
> I am so glad you are standing up for yourself and your daughter. You are teaching her a very valuable lesson. You can look back at this post a year from now and be proud of the woman you've become and the strength that you've shown. All the best
> 
> P.s. i would make sure my daughter was elsewhere if you decide to wait until he gets served. If he goes haywire she shouldn't be there to witness it.


This is the exact reason why I have to divorce him. I don't want my daughter to date or marry a man like her father. I have put up with his crap long enough & I don't want my daughter to see anymore dysfunction. She is 2 years old, still young enough to adjust to life just us two.

Thanks so much for the advice, everyone. You have really put things in perspective for me. I will be coming back to update on my appt with my lawyer.

I already have a bank account with my name only on it. I just have to be very precise when I change my direct deposit, I don't want to tip him off to anything. He already knows that this bank account exists, I've had it for years, so at least that is one less thing I have to worry about. The bulk of my money goes into this account anyways. Our joint account is mainly for bills & a few extras. 

I am the primary bread winner in the household (I make over double what he makes), so supporting my daughter & myself is not a problem. 

The trickiest thing for me is that he will always know where we live.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long have you two been married? Check with the lawyer about alimony and child support. Since you earn twice what he does, you might end up having to pay him alimony and child support.

This is good reason to call the police for the abuse. If you have to end the marriage due to physical abuse the court will be a lot kinder on you.

Contact the police about him hurting you the other day and see if it's too late to file charges against him.

Also, if he's abusive and an alcoholic, what do you have documented about this as he will get some time with your daughter. The court is very likely to give him 50%.

This is why is it so important to call the police when violence occurs... it has to be documented. I made the mistake of not calling when I should and it caused me problems. The judge would not allow me to bring up domestic violence since I had never called the police. So there was no record.


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## MysticTeenager (Aug 13, 2013)

Thound said:


> Get out now. Any man that lays a hand on a woman is a pos.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know this is an unpopular opinion, but I don't agree. My father hit my mother. Beat her up actually. But it was very rare. Like twice a year or something. And he would apologise and try to contain his anger. They are still happily together after 19 years of marriage. And he is a good man. Not all men that hit women are d!cks.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

MysticTeenager said:


> I know this is an unpopular opinion, but I don't agree. My father hit my mother. Beat her up actually. But it was very rare. Like twice a year or something. And he would apologise and try to contain his anger. They are still happily together after 19 years of marriage. And he is a good man. Not all men that hit women are d!cks.


Sorry, but your dad was a d1ck. And if he would have gotten a rough ride from the police the first time it happened, I suspect he'd be much less likely to keep doing it a couple times a year. 

How many other people did he assault? Or did he manage to control his anger around everyone else, and just let loose with your mom? 

C


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> How long have you two been married? Check with the lawyer about alimony and child support. Since you earn twice what he does, you might end up having to pay him alimony and child support.
> 
> This is good reason to call the police for the abuse. If you have to end the marriage due to physical abuse the court will be a lot kinder on you.
> 
> ...


Why would I pay him child support if my daughter will be living with me? I doubt he will get 50%, trust me, he would be sleeping on friend's couches. He really has no where to go. With all the child support he is paying for his other 3 kids, what is left over is not enough for him to get a place on his own. He would be living with other people. I don't think a court would deem that a stable environment for a child. 

I don't think he would fight me for custody, he has 3 other boys & never fought the moms for custody. Having my daughter even 50% of the time would cramp his style since he wants to be out & about & drinking. 

He has had 3 DUIs in the past, so his alcoholism is well documented in the court system.

I plan on making it easy on him if he doesn't fight me. If he wants spousal support then I will pursue child support. If he doesn't seek spousal support, then I won't pursue child support. He doesn't have health insurance through his job, everyone is under my health insurance. So I would let him keep my health insurance until the divorce is final, which could be for another year. 

He doesn't have money for a lawyer & I am not trying to screw him out of anything. But when he came into this marriage, I already had it all. MD is not a community property state & my house is currently upside down due to the bad housing market. So there is no equity that he can pursue.

I'll be going to the lawyer today. But in all honesty, I doubt he would get 50% & I doubt I am going to pay him child support if I am going to be the custodial parent.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Forget making it "easy" for him. You are basing that on fear. With your lawyer, fight for everything - your daughter, assets, etc.

Never be afraid to call the police. He is very familiar with them.

Go for full custody with maybe only supervised visits for him with your daughter. My fear is that he will drive drunk with her in the car.


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

Emerald said:


> Forget making it "easy" for him. You are basing that on fear. With your lawyer, fight for everything - your daughter, assets, etc.
> 
> Never be afraid to call the police. He is very familiar with them.
> 
> Go for full custody with maybe only supervised visits for him with your daughter. My fear is that he will drive drunk with her in the car.


That's one of my fears too is that he will drive with my daughter in the car after he has been drinking. He has a false sense of "being OK to drive". Since he does have DUIs on his record, I don't think that will be too hard to prove.

I am going for full custody, not once did I say I would not pursue that. I will fight with all my might for full custody, there is no question about that. 

My biggest challenge will be how I am going to break the news to him. Specifically, what approach I will be taking. I will worry more about that when all of the papers are drawn up & the time comes.

In the meantime, I got my lawyer appointment today at 11am. I'll report back on how it went.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

MysticTeenager said:


> My father hit my mother. Beat her up actually. But it was very rare. Like twice a year or something. And he would apologise and try to contain his anger. They are still happily together after 19 years of marriage. And he is a good man. Not all men that hit women are d!cks.


Another TAM post puts my jaw on the ground. I saw my alcoholic dad beat my mom a few times as a kid. He was a dyck and a coward, and so was your dad.

If your mom got her azz beat twice/year for 19 years and they have a happy marriage, I would suspect that she has some form of PTSD. That, or she's too scared to drop her facade around you. Sad.


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

Well, I just got back from the lawyer's office. What he told me was pretty much what I already knew.

1. Custody: He sees no reason why I wouldn't get granted full physical & legal custody. Letting the court know that I have no problem with visitation works in my favor. I really don't have a problem with visitation, I know he wouldn't harm our daughter. Plus, his history with his other sons tells me that the newness of getting our daughter on the weekends will wear off & he will be with her just like he is with his sons - Part time dad when it is convenient for him.

2. Spousal Support: I recently filed for Chapter 13 bankruptcy for myself. Because of this, the court may not grant him spousal support since they see this as a financial hardship on my end.

3. Child Support: My husband currently pays child support for 4 other kids & is paying the maximum amount allowed in the state of MD. Because of that, I will get nothing. Not a big deal, since I can support my daughter & myself just fine on my income alone.

4. The House & Getting Him to Get Out: My husband has made it clear that I am not the one to kick him out, someone has to make him get out. The lawyer said I can approach this in different ways. I am currently undergoing the process of getting a home loan modification. My lawyer said I can wait to see what happens with that or I can see about doing a short sale on the home. With a short sale, you have to get out of the home eventually. I can take that opportunity to find a place to live & leave. The state of MD will not view that as me abandoning the home/marriage since I would have to leave it eventually. My husband can stay in the house until he is forced to leave if he wants to. But in no way will that look bad for me in court or make it appear that I abandoned the marriage. The lawyer was telling me that he has seen too many people go down with the house because they don't want to let the house go. Sometimes the easiest way to get out is to let the house go.

With that being said I have a few things I need to think about. The lawyer said I may be better off just trying to go to mediation with my husband than trying to go to trial which will cost a lot of money. He also said that making it seem like I am trying to make it easy for my husband may make my husband a bit more compliant.


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