# My husband has disowned our daughter



## Marybeth1024

Hello,
I'm new here and don't even know if I am putting this in the right forum. My husband and I have been married for 28 years and have a 25 year old daughter. In 2009 when she was in college, her boyfriend abused her. She didn't tell anyone about it until this spring. When she told me, I guess I made the mistake of telling her not to tell her father because I know it was going to set him off.

She told him on Friday and it set him off. He is more angry that she didn't tell the police at the time. He keeps saying that no woman in his family would let that happen and not tell anyone and he said she is not his daughter and basically wants nothing to do with her.

I don't know what to do and have nobody to talk to.

Do you think he will eventually talk to her again? I'm scared.


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## WorkingOnMe

I suspect he'll cool off in a bit. He probably feels he's failed her and he's lashing out. Anger and helplessness can come out in strange ways.


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## Marybeth1024

I hope you are right. He is just so disappointed in her because she didn't do anything about it. He doesn't feel he failed her, he thinks she failed him and now wants nothing to do with her.


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## EunuchMonk

I think he'll cool off too.

Unless he is the kind that holds grudges, like me.


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## WorkingOnMe

Marybeth1024 said:


> I hope you are right. He is just so disappointed in her because she didn't do anything about it. He doesn't feel he failed her, he thinks she failed him and now wants nothing to do with her.




I'm always right! Ask anyone.


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## Blondilocks

How did her boyfriend abuse her?

Did she say why she didn't report it? Maybe it was for the very reason she is experiencing now. Chances are your husband would have been just as upset with her at that time as he is now.


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## EunuchMonk

WorkingOnMe said:


> I'm always right! Ask anyone.











Get a load of this guy.


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## bandit.45

Does your husband understand that he is being abusive also?


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## EleGirl

I would be good to know how she was abused. Was it emotional abuse, physical abuse?

How long did you daughter put up with the abuse?

What does your husband think she could have done about the abuse besides leaving the guy?


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## aine

I think your H is being a selfish git, your daughter has probably has been through enough without putting up with more crap from your H. He is taking it personally as if he was being abused! Doesn't he realise that abuse by a man is usually about control, and that he is doing exactly the same thing? What happened to the role of the protective father, it seems to be more about his ego and how it affects him. Tell him to grow up and be a bloody man! I wouldn't let my H away with this crap.


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## frusdil

aine said:


> I think your H is being a selfish git, your daughter has probably has been through enough without putting up with more crap from your H. He is taking it personally as if he was being abused! Doesn't he realise that abuse by a man is usually about control, and that he is doing exactly the same thing? What happened to the role of the protective father, it seems to be more about his ego and how it affects him. Tell him to grow up and be a bloody man! I wouldn't let my H away with this crap.


^^This. What a horrible dad!


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## Cynthia

aine said:


> I think your H is being a selfish git, your daughter has probably has been through enough without putting up with more crap from your H. He is taking it personally as if he was being abused! Doesn't he realise that abuse by a man is usually about control, and that he is doing exactly the same thing? What happened to the role of the protective father, it seems to be more about his ego and how it affects him. Tell him to grow up and be a bloody man! I wouldn't let my H away with this crap.


If you don't understand this, it is highly probable that you are an abused wife and that's why you think his behavior is normal. It is not normal. It is abusive. Your husband is emotionally abusing your daughter. He is adding insult to injury. He is mean. You already mentioned that you were afraid of what his reaction would be. You should not be afraid of your husband. You should be expecting love and support from him.


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## uhtred

What country or region are you from? This seems like a very surprising reaction to me.


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## caruso

If your husband continues to disown your daughter then a fitting response should be for you to retain a divorce attorney and disown HIM.


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## NextTimeAround

your husband is unreasonable.

I had a couple of manipulative boyfriends who also played up to my parents. Any dispute I had, my parents supported his POV.

I think you and your daughter should get counselling and just leave your husband out of it. As far as he is concerned...... everything is fine.,


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## Openminded

That's a way over-the-top reaction (unless there are cultural considerations). Why did she decide to risk telling him after you told her not to?


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## JohnA

Agreed with the questioning of your husbands motivation. 

Who is your husband? 

Just so I do not get caught with a lack of background information: 


What eise has happened in your daughters life?


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## tropicalbeachiwish

Your husband is teaching your daughter to never tell him about anything. She'll never feel safe talking to him for fear of his reaction. That's so sad that he had to react that way.


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## NextTimeAround

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> Your husband is teaching your daughter to never tell him about anything. She'll never feel safe talking to him for fear of his reaction. That's so sad that he had to react that way.


there's nothing positive about what you are saying, I'll agree......... but it's not that unusual.


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## NothingsOriginal

I had this happen to me, Daughter didn't tell me for about a year and a half......

Husband needs to understand why women do not report this stuff. It is out of fear in every case.

Fear of the shame

Fear of retribution by the man involved

Fear of Dad's reaction 

Fear of re-living the emotions felt during the abuse during the justice process.

There are likely more, these are the ones my daughter acknowledged over time.

Dad needs to understand who was the victim here, and acknowledge that it was not him.


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## MattMatt

Moderator message: Unhelpful and off topic replies will be deleted and could result in bans.
*
The OP wants helpful advice, not religious or political messages.*


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## MattMatt

Openminded said:


> That's a way over-the-top reaction (unless there are cultural considerations). Why did she decide to risk telling him after you told her not to?


Why? Because he was her dad. Until he proved that he wasn't. 

He has proved himself to not be much good as a father, is probably equally duff as a husband and needs to be put on the free transfer list. IMO.


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## Openminded

MattMatt said:


> Why? Because he was her dad. Until he proved that he wasn't.
> 
> He has proved himself to not be much good as a father, is probably equally duff as a husband and needs to be put on the free transfer list. IMO.


Yes, it's true that he's her dad but her mom told her not to tell him so they likely knew he wouldn't react well. If he's from a conservative culture that could explain it. Or, as you said, he's just not much good as a father. In any event, they probably knew he was not going to be supportive so why tell him. Although the world has changed tremendously since I was her age, it's still full of parents (and not just dads) who act like him. Unfortunately.


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## jimrich

Marybeth1024 said:


> Hello,
> I'm new here and don't even know if I am putting this in the right forum. My husband and I have been married for 28 years and have a 25 year old daughter. In 2009 when she was in college, her boyfriend abused her. She didn't tell anyone about it until this spring. When she told me, I guess I made the mistake of telling her not to tell her father because I know it was going to set him off.
> 
> She told him on Friday and it set him off. He is more angry that she didn't tell the police at the time. He keeps saying that no woman in his family would let that happen and not tell anyone and he said she is not his daughter and basically wants nothing to do with her.
> 
> I don't know what to do and have nobody to talk to.
> 
> Do you think he will eventually talk to her again? I'm scared.


IMO, she did not get the kind of adequate parenting that could have prepared her to deal with such an Offender, so she will be much better off WITHOUT those inadequate parent(s). Your daughter is the VICTIM of inadequate parenting that FAILED to adequately prepare her for life in the real world before it was TOO LATE! Perhaps some other, more useful people will come into her life and HELP her face Offenders from now on! :frown2:


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## arbitrator

*Truth be told, your H is an habitual emotional abuser of most anyone who comes within the confines of his life, albeit family, work, or whatever!

The two of you are definitely candidates for MC, or in the very least, some rather intensive IC!*


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## WonkyNinja

jimrich said:


> IMO, she did not get the kind of adequate parenting that could have prepared her to deal with such an Offender, so she will be much better off WITHOUT those inadequate parent(s). Your daughter is the VICTIM of inadequate parenting that FAILED to adequately prepare her for life in the real world before it was TOO LATE! Perhaps some other, more useful people will come into her life and HELP her face Offenders from now on! :frown2:


That was unjustified, ignorant and uncalled for. 

The blame of an abusive situation rests with the abuser themselves. It is a highly complex subject and to try and blame the victims parents without any information to justify doing so highlights only your failure to understand.

For the record I think the fathers actions now are pretty well unforgivable but that is not the same as blaming the parents for the original situation.


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## browser

jimrich said:


> IMO, she did not get the kind of adequate parenting that could have prepared her to deal with such an Offender, so she will be much better off WITHOUT those inadequate parent(s). Your daughter is the VICTIM of inadequate parenting that FAILED to adequately prepare her for life in the real world before it was TOO LATE! Perhaps some other, more useful people will come into her life and HELP her face Offenders from now on! :frown2:


Is that what happened to you?


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## Cooper

You read stuff like this and think no rational thinking person (dad here) could ever disown their child over an incident like being abused, but sadly it happens. Recently one of my employees had a big blow up at her house when their 19 year old daughter announced she was joining the ROTC, the dad became so angry he threw the girl out of the house, took her truck away and told her if she goes thru with it he never wanted to see her again. This is a good kid just trying to find her way thru life and dad has to be an ass about it.

OP the only reasons I could see dad being upset with your daughter is either he felt she had it coming (maybe she has been promiscuous or dresses trashy in dads view?) or he felt like a failure for not being able to protect his daughter and it hurts him to even see her. Regardless at the very moment your daughter needs support dad fails to give it, in my eyes that is what makes him a failure as a father. This is a defining moment in your daughters life, it will forever change the dynamics of the father/daughter relationship. 

Frankly OP I'm not sure how you can even look at your husband without spitting in his face.


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## Yeswecan

Marybeth1024 said:


> Hello,
> I'm new here and don't even know if I am putting this in the right forum. My husband and I have been married for 28 years and have a 25 year old daughter. In 2009 when she was in college, her boyfriend abused her. She didn't tell anyone about it until this spring. When she told me, I guess I made the mistake of telling her not to tell her father because I know it was going to set him off.
> 
> She told him on Friday and it set him off. He is more angry that she didn't tell the police at the time. He keeps saying that no woman in his family would let that happen and not tell anyone and he said she is not his daughter and basically wants nothing to do with her.
> 
> I don't know what to do and have nobody to talk to.
> 
> Do you think he will eventually talk to her again? I'm scared.


Similar situation with me and our daughter. She attempted to separate from her BF. He threatened suicide. She had no idea what to do. Said nothing to me or her mom. This wanting to separate came around a second time. There was some issues. She broke down crying to us stating he would commit suicide. Said he attempted this before. I was upset that she did not talk with us about it. She did not know what do to. We advise this was emotional manipulation. She did not understand this. We advised we are always her to talk with her no matter what. We also advised we can call 911 and have him collected for observation if he attempts this again. He did. I made the call after my daughter called me crying.

So, it appears your H is more so angry your daughter did not reach out for help from him. Perhaps she really did not know what to do. As far as disowning...he might want to rethink that.


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## MattMatt

@Marybeth1024 how is it going?


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