# Don't know...



## notsure79 (Nov 1, 2012)

I'll try to make this brief and I appreciate any input. I'll start by saying that I feel like I got married for the wrong reasons. When I first started dating my husband, I was not head over heels in love with him. I had just gotten out of another relationship and I definitely think my current husband was the rebound guy. We had fun together and got along well but it definitely felt like more of a friendship. We slept together fairly early in the relationship which seems weird to me now because I really wasn't attracted to him. After a little over a year of dating, I got pregnant. We got engaged but then had a miscarriage. We had already told people we were getting married and I feel that I went on with the wedding to save face. Also, I was living at home at that time and I hated it. I wanted to get out of my parents house. My husband was in a lot of debt and I had some debt too so for the first year of our marriage, we lived in his parents' house. 

Another very important point is that about a month into our dating relationship, I found out that he smoked pot pretty much on a daily basis. I was horrified as I had never smoked and was super against it. I guess we fought about it and he said he would quit. When we were dating we had lots of fights about this. Of course it continued on throughout the marriage. 

About a year and a half ago I got completely fed up with the pot smoking and told him that we had to go to marriage counseling and that he needed to see a therapist about his pot issue. He agreed to both...reluctantly. He has basically quit smoking pot. He still wants to smoke occasionally but it is not on a daily basis or even monthly basis. 

I feel like I don't respect him. I just never really had much respect for him in the first place and all the years of lying about pot and telling me he would quit just really got to me.

Now he has quit, but his true personality is coming out. I find him kind of boring and uptight. Whereas before he was laid back (obviously because of the pot).

The thing that makes this so hard is that I feel he really loves me. Actually when we were dating I felt that he loved me so much and I didn't want to hurt him. He does a lot for me and our relationship. Unlike a lot of men, he does dishes, folds the laundry, will grocery shop with me or by himself. I really feel like he puts me first. 

My main reasons for not wanting to divorce are: we have pets that we both love dearly and I can't stand the thought of separating them, financial issues, and Christian values.

I'm just not happy though. A lot of times when he says anything I'm thinking "what an idiot." I am not attracted to him at all. We have sex once a week or every two weeks but I have to think about other things. 

I personally have anxiety and depression issues and I'm trying to separate those from the marriage. I see a therapist as well.

Sorry this is so long...thanks for your responses.


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## Couleur (Apr 4, 2012)

Here are some ways to figure out if you should 1) leave a relationship or 2) stay and go to MC to make it stronger.

Start with these 3 exercises:
a) Pretend you could look into a crystal ball and see that you would never meet anyone who offered you more than what you currently have. Knowing that, would you still want to leave? In other words, if you knew that you were going to live along for the rest of your life would you still want out of the relationship?

b) Make a list of all the things that you value and admire about your spouse. Make a list of all the things you really don’t like/can’t stand about your spouse. (Assume this list will be longer; even in good marriages, it usually is.) Now, of the "Don’t Like" list, check those you could not tolerate living with. On the "Value" list, check those you would miss horribly. There is no easy answer, but this exercise might help clarify what’s most important for you, what you can’t live without.

c) Odd Day/Even Day: On odd numbered days (of the calendar), spend the entire day thinking your decision is made and you are going to stay. No matter how bad things may be, how much your spouse upsets or hurts you, experience it through the lens of your remaining in the marriage. On even days do the opposite. No matter how wonderful your spouse is, imagine you are assured of leaving. The purpose of this exercise is to stop you from going back and forth. Stay with one side of your ambivalence the entire day. The next day, take the opposite side. Do this for a week and you may be a bit clearer on what you need to do.

If you want to try giving your relationship another chance get and read The Five Languages of Love, and His Needs, Her Needs.


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