# Feeling utterly worn down and so so tired...



## wifeandmummy (Aug 20, 2012)

Hi,

I posted on here last year that H and I were thinking about seperating...we ended up seperating in august 2012 but within three months he was living back here with all promises and offering me the world...stupidly as I wanted it to work so badly I went alonog with it 

We have three young children (7 and under) and I am a SAHM. I feel like if he goes again I wont be able to cope (he left me last time after an argument about seperating)...he left with a suitcase and went and did a normal day at work before checking himself into a B&B. He left me with not a penny to my name or a penny in our joint account and he took the only car I could drive (auto as my licence is auto only). In reality i DID cope last time he left becuase I felt happier, less stressed etc...even friends comented how relaxed and like a different person I was.

Since he has been back things have got progressivly worse again...the arguing...the analyzing of every single thing..the blaming me for everything. Constantly 'working' (in the conservatory) in the evenings so we never spend any time together even though I ask him to come watch a film with me etc. I feel exhausted, miserable, stressed out beyond belief all the time. 

He has been having CBT therapy and is also on anti depressants but he is such a negative person...the world is doomed and everyone is out to make his life hell, no one is in the same situation as him...its all very poor poor him. Its true finances are difficult at the moment but arnt they for most young families??!!. Last weekend we had a huge row and he turned it all round saying he would sell my car (its in his name becuase he went to collect it for me) as I wouldnt be able to afford to keep it (when we had seperated last year he threatened to sell the house and leave me homeless). There is very little laughter in the house between him and any of us...I feel like its me and the kids against him most of the time. 

He will help with jobs around the house and then when the next disagreement crops up he makes me feel ungreatful telling me how hard he has tried and he has done everything for me and the kids and nothing for himself etc. 

He is short tempered (although better than he was...but i see the same traits as before) with the children...last night my 6.5yr old told me that she didnt think daddy loved her becuase he always shouts at her  DH was gutted when I told him that but I have told him time after time that the children will resent him if he carries on like this...I cant bare to think of the stress levels when they are all teenagers etc...

Im sorry this is all such a jumbled mess but I feel totaly worn down...I want to burst into tears all the time, my nerves feel shot to bits and I live on egg shells not sure what he will be like that day. Its like living with two different men but me and the children never know which one we will wake up to that day or wether it will change in the blink of an eye 

He has before told me that I wont be able to cope with the children on my own (heat of the moment in an argument). My family have witnessed his 'ways' over the years and things between them are now strained (I have a very very close family which is important to me and I feel now that this is having an impact there too).

I dont know wether I genuinely feel bad about seperating again (he knows there will be no trial seperation and if it happens again then I will file for divorce asap...I cant put myself or the children through it again)...or wether he has made me feel that way through making me feel like I cant cope alone. I feel sad when I think of how it should have been...the memories we have etc...The things we do enjoy as a family (which are usually to some degree stressful and strained).

We have a busy house and he offers to do things to help (for which I am grateful and always say so) but then throws it back in my face in an argument how much he does to help me etc etc etc...this makes me feel like I wouldnt cope on my own  but I cant cope with the constant guilt tripping either!

Part of me wants to pack bags, take the children and run away...then part of me feels so utterly stuck with him becuase I cant cope alone  what if I spend the rest of my life alone not coping? what impact will that have on my children? Im only 30  Or can I cope and my feeling of not being able to cope just a result of the years of griding down my self esteem etc. We have been married 8 years together for 12.

Sorry huge rambled mess...Im questioning my sanity at the moment and needed to get it out to someone who understands etc.

Thanks for taking the time to read x


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

You may want to seek individual counseling to help you sort out your feelings, and also help you with long-term goals.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

You know you already wrote what you need to do.

You said last time he left, taking the car and leaving you with no money, you managed everything just fine and felt happier and more in control of your life.

Seek legal advice before you toss him out. He can't waltz out with all the assets and in fact has to continue to support you and his children. But he sounds like a vindictive prick so get the lags matters squared away before you toss him out the door.

Get support from your friends and family. Tell them your plans to D and that you may need help with rides and errands for a short time. I think you'll find once you have made your plan, then communicated your plan, everything will fall into place and the last step, telling him to get out, will come rather easy to you.

Good luck!


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## wifeandmummy (Aug 20, 2012)

Thank you both. My mum lives close by and we are very close...she knows exactly whats going on as she lived with us for 6 months last year before the seperation (she relocated here). 

I feel so very conflicted all the time...just as I make my mind up we gave a good few days and i feel so confused again. Iv read around the forum and I can see there are affection issues...he never compliments me or praises me. 

He cannot cope with stress at all so our busy household just appears way too much for him...he is unable to take control of the children for example will never bath them if im not there every step of the way (although he does do bedtime each night) but general daddy things that I feel he should be able to cope with he just cant which makes me feel totaly 100% responsible for the children...if he is looking after them then they very rarely do nice things like trips to the park, walks etc as it appears he finds it easier to plonk them infront on the tv/laptops. He refuses to go swimmung with us as a family as he doesnt enjoy it.

He has no friends/hobbies of his own so weekends are spent with him fixing the car it sitting around at home...if left to him the children wouldnt be washed/dressed etc.

I know these are lots of random points but im trying to make sense of things.

His effort in our marriage goes from moderate and n that he might once in a blue moon take me our for dinner to absolutely nothing where he appears to live in his own shell.

I know im not faultless...I have things that annoy him too and I acknowledge those...the house gets me down and im constantly cleaning up after him aswell as the kids (pants in bathroom which he swears blind he doesnt do...but he does as I pick them up each day), the hallway is always a mess with his work bags (he is in IT and god does he hoard crap) etc etc

I read some things on the marriage busters website and it made me realise that we dont have a normal marriage (in my eyes) we have no joint interests and nothing in comon. Sex is hopless as its initiated by him at all the wrong times (he starts with it when the kids are in the same room) and gets ratty with me saying I never want it...what I would like is some warming up, flirting not just wham bam.

But I feel lost with all this...if I try yo discuss it we end up arguing...he defends himself by telling me that I always find fault with him and its never me etc. Iv never suggested that I dont have my downfalls too but I wish I just felt loved 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mattsmom (Apr 2, 2013)

Wifeandmummy,

Emotional abuse can sometimes be worse than physical abuse. I remember with my first husband thinking, "Just hit me and get it over with!" I left him feeling fat (I was 125 lbs), stupid, and worthless. I was scared to death that I wouldn't be able to do anything without him. I ran with our clothes (kids were 5 and 3) and what toys I could fit in my car, and a loaded 9mm in my lap.

I stayed with my mother for about three months while I found a job and a place to live. I found out that I wasn't stupid or worthless. I found out that I could do a heck of a lot more than I ever dreamed I could. You have made that house run for years by yourself. You have raised your children. You have already proven yourself to be successful. 

You stated that you have a very close family. It's time to lean on that support group and do what you already know you need to do. If not for yourself, for your children. Do you really want them to grow up thinking that this is the way people should expect to be treated? I know that you don't. Do what is best for you and your children. Once you extricate yourself from the abuse, you'll blossom.

Blessings of peace,
Mattsmom


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## Nicola12 (Apr 1, 2013)

Hello,

I agree with Mattsmom that emotional abuse is not okay. Your situation is similar to mine in a few ways. One is the emotional abuse. Just because he does help around the house doesn't mean that is a reason to stay. A year ago I recognised this subtle abuse (not so subtle once my eyes were open to it) as I couldn't work out 'why' he would stay if he felt I was so awful.

Then I realised it's actually about making him feel better about himself and not really about me at all.

However, that tension b/w appreciating all the good things about him vs how unhappy you are is very difficult. Jeckyl and Hyde. I also sometimes think 'just hit me' so things would be clear. So silly.

I am 42 and been in my relationship 21 years. It is not getting better even though we have worked SO hard over the years. You are 30 and have your whole life. I bet you anything, that you will cope beautifully. He's been telling you you can't cope but you said yourself that you did cope and were happier.

As for me, I am giving it 6 more months. H has been looking at the hard things in MC but if it all slides backwards, that's the last time for me. I also am not allowing the emotional abuse to happen and calling him on it but it definitely puts a big strain on things. I want to provide a good role model for my kids (boys) and this is not it. I can see that this is a generational problem for my family in marriages (at least 3 generations back) and I don't want my kids thinking this is the way to have a relationship.

Take care


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