# having a hard time doing the 180...



## DownUnder (Jul 30, 2011)

im having a hard time today with the 180...

its only been a week of as little contact as possible and it doesn't seem to have any effect on him. 

granted i only see glimpes of him when he came to the house to pick up the kids or dropping them off....but from what i see it looks like he couldnt care less if we never speak or interact with each other again.

when he came into the house he doesn't say hi or goodbye when he leaves....so i do the same, i just go about my business as if he is not there....so basicly we just pretty much just ignored each other. He probably would like it better if he never have to see or deal with me again.

when he arrived to my house this morning the kids were still asleep...he entered the house, saw me and looked away (he won't even look at me) he went straight upstairs, probably to wake my daughter up to get her ready for school.

So i just left and started walking to my bus stop....not a single word were spoken between us.

when i saw him this morning he doesn't look happy, but that is probably because he was dreading seeing me or coming to the house....or maybe just feeling the guilt.

im feeling down today and wonder if her ever truly love me....he said hehasn't feel that love for me for a while (maybe for the past 6 years or so)...i know i should probably just harden my heart and move forward with my life, but instead i miss talking to him and miss getting his daily txt msgs eventho if its only little things about the kids.

i feel so pathetic....some please PLEASE slap some sense into me...


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

I am sure some of the other members here will be along shortly to give you more and stronger advice than I can..

But I just wanted to let you know you are not alone, I read your "story" and I could actually feel the pain you are feeling right now. It was the hardest thing I ever did when I did the 180, I so wanted to reach out to my H, tell him how much I loved and missed him. And my heart broke a little more each time I seen him and went thru the same thing you are going thru right now... I wanted to talk to him, when somthing happened in my life good or bad.. how desperatly I wanted to talk to him.. My last words I spoke to him before I went into the 180 and went dark on him was.. I love you, I will always love you, you will always be a special part off my life and I will hold onto the memory of that forever, but I am not your doormate.. I deserve to be loved and cherished, I will not be second best in my H life.. And until you understand that I will never allow you to put me thru this he** again, if you ever do, then I am done. And I stoped all the begging, crying In front of him ( alone I would cry so much I would think, were in the world am I getting them tears from I should be dehidrated) I didnt text, I didnt check to see if he was doing "OK"..meaning I just wanted to here his voice.. I stopped all of it... I only communicated when I had to, as in your case for the kids.. I got to feeling Like you, he doesnt love me, he doesnt care..

But the truth is, he did and does, he didnt know how to act when I turned the 180, it scared him... and so he tried to act as if it didnt bother him at all...you say he didnt look happy? well he probley isnt, it seems that men, well most men, try to play tough like it doesnt bother them.. But the truth is, and this is hard, if he truely loves you.. is in love with you.. and you love yourself.... then you keep up the good work.. because in the end, you will get the love and respect you deserve from him.. Its not easy, it feels like it will never end...... but sooner or later you will have the truth no matter what it is.. And that is one of the four things you deserve, LOVE, TRUTH, COMMIENTMENT AND RESPECT!!

Ok, now let wait for the real pros to come along and help you out they got great help.... I just wanted to say, I feel your pain...... hang in there!


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

Also, mine said the same.. he hadnt been in love with me for years and years and years.. like he put it since 6 years into our marriage.. we been married over 20 so yeah that hurt me bad... he did the whole ILYBINILWY speech.... too.. but all of that was his talk during the affair fog.... Ripped me to shreds...but I found the courage to stand up for myself... only the good lord knows how I did it, because most days I didnt want to even get up in the mornings. But I did, and I am so glad the people here stood by me and guided me and encouraged me to stick to it...... they helped me to understand.. I AM WORTH MORE THAN HOW MY H WAS TREATING ME AND SO ARE YOU...


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Hey DownUnder~

I'm not sure if you've ever really, REALLY read the 180 list, and if not, just to be very clear, there is a link in my signature. It has the list right there in black and white, and reading it may be helpful for you. 

In a summary though, the 180 is like making a 180 degree turn with your life. In case you didn't know--180 degrees means to make an "about face" and go in exactly the opposite direction! Usually the idea is like this: if you depended on your husband to "make" you happy and if he was "your world"...well look where that got you! You aren't able to live without him, you want to beg him to love you, and he's cheating!!!! 

Sooooo... if it wasn't working for you, doing more of the same is going to get you more of the same. Do you want to continue begging someone to love you and continue having your heart crushed? Then that means YOU are going to have to change. So do the opposite of what you've been doing and let's see how that works. 

Now, if you look at the 180 list closely, you'll notice that nowhere does it say to ignore each other. In fact there are some very specific things for you to do... like #13 says to look FABULOUS!! Next time he's coming over in the morning, look AMAZING and act as if you are rushing off to a coffee date. He doesn't need to know that you're going to coffee by yourself next door to work. Work it! When he's trying to come over so he can avoid you, just call out: "Oh thank you goodness you're here--I'm running late and just have to fly. Don't you just love how I look in this outfit? I think I will look awesome. Okay see ya bye!" and run out the door. That will also cover #12 and #14. In fact, for #14, join a women's support group--like DivorceCare or something at church--and then next time he acts like he's coming by to "ignore" you ask him: "Could you have the kids Thursday night and take them to school Friday morning? I have an event and I think it's going to run pretty late." He doesn't need to know it's all women! Or that it will be done at 9:30 followed by cookies and talking. Go out with the ladies to have coffee and pie afterward! 

_{Edited to Add: This isn't meant to be a game or like you are deliberately trying to lie to him, but rather just to give him a taste of the "YOU" that you used to be when you were a free, vibrant, smart, beautiful, loving woman back in the day when you guys met...and to politely remind him that if he chooses to leave you, he no longer will be in control of you, who you're with, what you do, or even if you wear shoes in the living room! Lots of times people have their affair and think they'll be able to have their cake and eat it too--boss around their affair partner and also keep telling their spouse what to do! So I'm not advocating lying or deceiving here--I'm advocating letting him realize he can't tell you when or where to go...and I'm advocating ALWAYS looking like you are about to step out and meet George Clooney for a romantic wining and dining evening.}_  

See #18? You aren't supposed to be childish or giving him the cold shoulder. Nope the cold shoulder is just trying to force him to behave a certain way by rewarding him or punishing him. #18 is more like this: "You know, I've realized that I really LIKE drinking grapejuice on the white carpet and now that you've moved out I can, so I'm actually okay with this. In fact I'm a little happy! I really like being in charge of my own life and not having to answer to anyone by myself!" 

See #23-#26? Here's what that means. So after a couple days of YOU not being around for him to "ignore"...and after a couple days of you seeming to be happy and adjusting to the fact that he's not in charge of you anymore...and after a couple times of you being out on your own and he can't say "boo" about it.... one of these days he's going to say something like *"You know, I never, EVER felt like you loved me or gave a sh*t about me. All you cared about was money and your girlfriends!"*...something like that to goad you into a fight. The idea is that if he can get you to fight him, he can scream and yell, and then say to himself "See that's why I had an affair! She's crazy!" So instead of saying "NUH UH You're wrong!!!" you say "Hmmm...it sounds like you did not feel cared for and maybe like you thought I used you for your money. I bet that hurt to think that. Of course that is your opinion and mine just differs, but thanks for sharing your thoughts with me" * and turn and walk away!*

Hear that sound? Yeah me either. That's the wind blowing out of his sails! He's got nothing to fight with there! And you just mastered some more of the 180!! 

So read that list. Re-read it. Read it again. Now write it down in your journal. Next to each one, write how you can do that one in your life. If you get stuck on one, come here and tell us which one you're stuck on, and we'll help ya! :smthumbup:


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

Wow.. now that the pro advice I was talking about..

I can say one of the hardest things for me was to not contact him about everything in my life..You know how it is in a marriage, somthing good or bad happens the first thing you do is tell your spouse.. well that was a tough one for me..I literally had to catch myself when I grabed my phone ready to text him..

And your right about the part about them trying to pick a argument, actually the sentence you used is almost word for word my H used on me..

Also, the dressing up and having a smile on my face, well I had dressed to the level of stunning one day because I had a job interveiw, I looked pretty awesome.. my h had drove up just as i was heading to my car.. He took one look at me and said why are you dressed up and were are you going.. Well I was so excited about the interveiw I was smileing, but it wasnt a fake smile.. i really was excited about the interveiw.. I told him about it, and said to him.. I am so proud of myself, this is so exciting. He wanted to know why I hadnt told him about it.. I said, because we are not together, but me not telling him is not important, what is important is that I have a chance to better my and my childrens life.. This didnt sit well with him, he did the whole start an argument thing with me.. And I just simply said, I see how you feel I did wrong in our marriage and it upsets you. But honestly I dont have time right now to talk about it I am going to be late, wish me luck..... Off I went.. Later he begin to text me, and it wasnt angry text, it was more like he wanted to know what going on in my life NOW.. Why the sudden change in me.... the more I acted diffrent, happy.. the more curiouse he got.. but I didnt chase him, I didnt text him to know end.. I didnt argue.... I just stopped.. and I only communicated with him when I need to... I didnt just randomly contact him to chat.. Not until much much much later, and that was mutal... To be honest I suprised myself at one point in time because as much as i was devestated as I mentioned to you in my first post to you.... along the way, I actually was becoming more happier with myself and proud of some of the indepedent things I did...


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## WaynerMenard (Apr 11, 2012)

he hadnt been in love with me for years and years and years


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Hang in there. We are here to support you. You are not alone. I read your PM. He doesnt deserve you. 180 him for YOURSELF! AND really think about what I said to you please. Sometimes you have to put yourself first(and your children). Lessen your interaction w/him. 

Im sorry you are here. Listen to these people-they have REALLY pulled me thru. BE strong. You did something most cant(threw him out). Thats a special fire in you. Use it.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> Hang in there. We are here to support you. You are not alone. I read your PM. He doesnt deserve you. 180 him for YOURSELF! AND really think about what I said to you please. Sometimes you have to put yourself first(and your children). Lessen your interaction w/him.
> 
> Im sorry you are here. Listen to these people-they have REALLY pulled me thru. BE strong. You did something most cant(threw him out). Thats a special fire in you. Use it.


What I did not do when I discovered my WS's A and folks on TAM told me to do it and I should have done it.

1. Get on meds. Short term and not anything real heavy.
2. Don't drink.
3. Try to find an IC. There are some good ones online if you can't find a good one locally.
4. Exercise.
5. Find things to do positively and do not hold up in your room.
6. Don't let your anger get a hold on you.

Your situation is different than mine. You kicked your WS out. I did not. I live apart from my WS during the week. I am in R. 

If I had done the things above my R would be further along and I would not have become the bad guy. Having said that, if I was in your shoes I would do the things I listed above. It is all about you right now and getting to that place where you feel some peace. You need to focus on yourself and your kids. You have no control over your WS.

I wish I could have gone into a coma when i found out and wish I would have stayed in that coma until I got over the severe pain.

This may be too much coming from a guy but take care of yourself sexually, the release will help.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Thorburn said:


> What I did not do when I discovered my WS's A and folks on TAM told me to do it and I should have done it.
> 
> 1. Get on meds. Short term and not anything real heavy.
> 2. Don't drink.
> ...


Wow, THOR!!! You really woke me up w/that last line!:rofl:

I mean Its good advice I just wasnt expecting it, thats all.


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## DownUnder (Jul 30, 2011)

thank you so much everyone for all your advice.

*Just Tired Of It All*, thank you so much for your kind words and encourgaments....i helps me a lot 

*Affaircare*, thank you for taking the time to write it all down and for the link in your siggy. I have read all that before and trust me im implementing MOST of the stuff listed in there but at this point in time as its only been 1 week so i would rather not talk to him unless its absolutely necessary - and this is for my own sanity 'at this point in time' because everything still so raw.

Im not ignoring him on purpose or purposely giving him a cold shoulder, but if he doesn't talk to me i would rather not talk back and i would go about my business in the house as usual.

and about point #13, i have nailed this one down....i always made damn sure i look fabulous when he sees me, this is not only for his benefit but mostly for myself coz when i look good i feel good too and boost my self esteem 

I dont feel the need to ask him "how I look in this outfit?" because his opinion no longer matters to me.

in regards to the points of him goading me for a fight and scream or yell, that will never happen....it never happened the whole 17 years we are together and its not gonna happen now, because he is a very reserved guy and he never yell at me or accuse me of anything like that....if i know him, he will go into his shell evenmore and get evenmore withdrawn and think about all sort of stuff in his own messed up head, but he will never yell out to me or goad me into a fight because its just not in his personality.

he will never accuse me of using him for his money because i never ask for a single cent from him....im independent and always have been when it comes to finances. He has his own money and i have my own money and we have a joint bank account where the mortgages and expenses comes out from and we BOTH contributed to it, not just him. So i think we are pretty clear on this area.

He always sees me looking nice everyday but he NEVER asked me where im going or why im dressed nice (not even once) but he might've thought about it or wonder in his head, but he never asked or say anything to me.

*Thor*, im doing most things you listed in your post but i dont need to get into meds...im fine, just need to sleep a bit earlier on some days when im really tired.

and that last line about taking care of myself sexually, i dont even have the drive for that right now....its completely diminished and i think most of the time im trying to win the battle in my mind about NOT thinking or getting rid of thoughts of him and the OW which can be hell if i let it stir in my head too long.

Im getting the hang on thought stopping and as soon as that evil thought came into my mind i tried to stop it almost immediately before it gets the better of me.

Im not letting anger stew inside of me....i have been listening and leanring more about mercy and forgiveness so i can start healing. I dont want to waste my time and energy by holding on to resentments and bitterness....it takes a lot of effort to stay angry and life is too short 

*canttrustu*, thank you for your PM...i have contacted my lawyer to draw up a legal separation agreement but unfortunately the law here states we cannot file for divorce until we have legally separated for 2 years. They make it difficult to file here and the goverment wants to make sure we have enough time to think about it throughroughly before filing for D.

But the legal separation document should have a similar impact, i asked my lawyer to serve him the papers next week a few days before his birthday.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

DownUnder said:


> thank you so much everyone for all your advice.
> 
> *Just Tired Of It All*, thank you so much for your kind words and encourgaments....i helps me a lot
> 
> ...


I hate that you are going thru this but I think its the only answer right now. Protect yourself.


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## DownUnder (Jul 30, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> I hate that you are going thru this but I think its the only answer right now. Protect yourself.


i know what you mean...but hey, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger rite?


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

DownUnder said:


> i know what you mean...but hey, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger rite?


thats what they tell me.


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

DownUnder said:


> i know what you mean...but hey, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger rite?


Hey there's a song with this line...play it on your Ipod and computer often :smthumbup:


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## DownUnder (Jul 30, 2011)

Ingalls said:


> Hey there's a song with this line...play it on your Ipod and computer often :smthumbup:


LOL i'll download it tonight so i can play it on my mp3 player on my way to work each morning


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## lou (Apr 22, 2011)

I still have an iPod playlist with ridiculously cheesy but effective woman power music. I Will Survive! "It's alright, it's ok" (****** Tisdale) "Goodbye" Kristinia DeBarge are my most played. 

Channel the strongest woman you know and BE her. When we were separated all i was thinking was "Would Ivanka Trump be this needy???" (you may use your own inspiration haha) And I can't emphasize how awesome exercise is. I never was really into it but... Even a POWER WALK is amazing for the mood.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

DownUnder said:


> im having a hard time today with the 180...
> 
> its only been a week of as little contact as possible and it doesn't seem to have any effect on him. .


You doing the 180 isn't supposed to have any effect on him, it's for YOU.

Sometimes it will have a positive effect on the relationship partner who has checked out but that's not what it's for.

If you do it, expecting to see a change in HIM, you are going to be disappointed and it will not serve it's intended purpose. 

ESPECIALLY if you are expecting results after only 1 week.


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## DownUnder (Jul 30, 2011)

lenzi said:


> You doing the 180 isn't supposed to have any effect on him, it's for YOU.
> 
> Sometimes it will have a positive effect on the relationship partner who has checked out but that's not what it's for.
> 
> ...


lenzi, thank you for slaping some sense back into my stupid brain....you are absolutely right.

im gonna keep going with it and hopefully it will help me get into the right mindset and get control over my life back


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Hang in there DU.


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