# If your wife's weight does *not* affect your attraction



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

to her, why do you think that is?

How does your wife feel about your attraction to her not being affected by her weight?


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Depends on where on the anatomy the weight gain occurs. If it is distributed to the right areas I have little complaint. 

Beer guts? No.


----------



## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Can't comment. It absolutely WOULD affect my sexual attraction.

It wouldn't affect my love for her. There's most certainly a difference.


----------



## 71Climber (Dec 15, 2016)

Wow, what a great post. This is something I have been struggling with for years. My wife and I have been separated our 3rd time, this time for the past year and a half, and around 2.5 years of the last 5 years. We have not had sex for over 2 years. A bit of background: I am a recovering porn addict, and have been on a roller coaster of recovery for the past several years. Although I have not been unfaithful with another woman, I have been unfaithful to her with eyes, and have chatted online, etc. I know it has had an effect on our intimacy greatly. It's a very long story which I will not bore anyone with. The gist of it now is that I am in a great place in regards to overcoming addiction, but I now do not think of my wife as a sexual being anymore. I am around very overweight, obese people every day of my life as a physician, and I have grown to hate it with a passion. It's not my thing. I look at my wife now without desire. She is an absolutely wonderful person, sweet, kind, and a loving mother, and a truly amazing person, and yet, for me, my love language is a physical one, and I actually have resented her for gaining weight. I work out very regularly, take care of myself, etc. I want to be able to look at my wife and want her physically. She wants me to love her exactly where she is. And I do. I do love her. But love and desire/passion/attraction are different things. I am sex-starved, having not had any for years. If she would only lose some weight, it would be an aphrodisiac. I realize that I have contributed to this mess. But now, as a healthy person, I want to desire her. I don't know how to overlook obesity, unless I just gain a bunch of weight myself. It is not arousing to me. We have 4 children, 2 of which are either about to be out of college or in college and two other teenagers. I understand that sex is only a portion of intimacy, but I find myself unable to give myself to other forms of intimacy without sexual desire. Does anyone have any ideas???


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

jld said:


> to her, why do you think that is?
> 
> How does your wife feel about your attraction to her not being affected by her weight?


*I would not be nearly as concerned about the physical shape and size of a spouse that I had heretofore pledged my fidelity to as much as I'd be worried about her laciviously and covertly spreading her thighs over in some other horny louts boudoir!

Make losing weight a joint project! Support each other instead of tearing each other down!*


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I think 20 pounds here or there is to be expected in everyone as we age, so I would have no problem with that. I tend to like what people call thick woman anyway. So if my wife got too skinny that might effect me just as much as if she got very heavy.


----------



## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Funny you ask, JLD because I had this exact conversation with my mom last weekend. For some strange reason my mom wants me to find a LTR and think about eventually getting married again so we discussed what I like in women and what I don't. One thing I absolutely won't do is date someone I'm not attracted to and that eliminates fat women from my dating pool. It's not a double standard since I work out regularly and keep in reasonably good shape for my age, and would expect that any partner of mine would do the same. My mom then asked how I could have been attracted to my XWW when she got really fat (this was around the time she had our kids) and really all I can think of is that there was a special bond towards the mother of my children which allowed me to see her in a different way that wasn't solely based on looks. Honestly, I wasn't quite as attracted to her as when she was much thinner but I still found her attractive at that time. On a body fat chart I'd say she got up to around 50% body fat and looked like the stay puffed marshmallow man. Now if I ever bump into old pictures of her I don't know what I was thinking. Objectively she was physically repulsive at that time, but then I didn't seem to notice that much or care.


----------



## katies (May 19, 2015)

71Climber said:


> Wow, what a great post. This is something I have been struggling with for years. My wife and I have been separated our 3rd time, this time for the past year and a half, and around 2.5 years of the last 5 years. We have not had sex for over 2 years. A bit of background: I am a recovering porn addict, and have been on a roller coaster of recovery for the past several years. Although I have not been unfaithful with another woman, I have been unfaithful to her with eyes, and have chatted online, etc. I know it has had an effect on our intimacy greatly. It's a very long story which I will not bore anyone with. The gist of it now is that I am in a great place in regards to overcoming addiction, but I now do not think of my wife as a sexual being anymore. I am around very overweight, obese people every day of my life as a physician, and I have grown to hate it with a passion. It's not my thing. I look at my wife now without desire. She is an absolutely wonderful person, sweet, kind, and a loving mother, and a truly amazing person, and yet, for me, my love language is a physical one, and I actually have resented her for gaining weight. I work out very regularly, take care of myself, etc. I want to be able to look at my wife and want her physically. She wants me to love her exactly where she is. And I do. I do love her. But love and desire/passion/attraction are different things. I am sex-starved, having not had any for years. If she would only lose some weight, it would be an aphrodisiac. I realize that I have contributed to this mess. But now, as a healthy person, I want to desire her. I don't know how to overlook obesity, unless I just gain a bunch of weight myself. It is not arousing to me. We have 4 children, 2 of which are either about to be out of college or in college and two other teenagers. I understand that sex is only a portion of intimacy, but I find myself unable to give myself to other forms of intimacy without sexual desire. Does anyone have any ideas???


yes. Tell her exactly this. She deserves to know how you feel, especially the still loving her part.


----------



## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

There would be a point (don't know what) where it would undoubtedly affect my physical attraction to her. No different then I would believe if I put on significant weight it would affect my W's physical attraction to me.

I would imagine most people have a breaking point, so not sure if anyone can genuinely say without a doubt weight gain would not impact their attraction (unless maybe they were never attracted to their W in the first place)


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

When my wife and I met, she was a 135 pounds. She is between 40 and 50 pounds heavier now. At 135, she was just the short side of thick, and it was sexy. 

I love her soul and her spirit, and that carries the attraction through. However, her weight gain has hampered my attraction towards her. 

For the last three years, she has insisted on the lights being off during sex. For a good bit of time, that bothered me. However, the more I look at it, the more it may actually be a blessing in disguise.

I have been supportive and encouraging when she has pursued various things to try to lose weight. Most of her endeavors have been gimmicks , or other ways to try to lose weight that don't require much effort on her part. 

However, no amount of encouragement has led to her sticking with anything she has tried. 

I worry about this weight gain not just because of the attraction level, but because she just simply does not take care of herself very well from a healthy eating or exercise standpoint. 

She is now pre-diabetic. She's indicated that she wants to do some changes, and is seeking me out for help because I for the most part have eliminated high-glycemic foods from my diet. 

I hope and pray that she sticks to that.

For the record, I am pretty vigorous in my workout regimen and diet. I am over 20 pounds lighter than I was on our wedding day, and 30 pounds lighter than when we first met.


----------



## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

My ex wife gained a lot of weight after giving birth and never worked to get back in shape. Add the weight gain to the yelling, screaming, and hate, it meant for a 4+ year 100% sexless and lovess marriage. I got out and am dating the woman of my dreams now. I think she'll be single for a LONG time.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

arbitrator said:


> *I would not be nearly as concerned about the physical shape and size of a spouse that I had heretofore pledged my fidelity to as much as I'd be worried about her laciviously and covertly spreading her thighs over in some other horny louts boudoir!
> 
> Make losing weight a joint project! Support each other instead of tearing each other down!*


Best post yet. 

There is much more to attraction, physically, that comprise the overall idea of a relationship. Good companionship, friendship, fidelity and sexual fulfillment. 

My W, since childbirth, has carried the weight and only recently began working on losing it(20 years). In that time my W has been nothing short of awesome. Concerning sexual attraction, I'm was attracted all those years. My W was nothing short of fantastic between the sheets. 

Anyway, we now exercise together. I have lost 25 pounds. My W 42 pounds. As Arbitrator stated, support each other.


----------



## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Funny I proposed to my W when she was at her max weight. I just saw her beauty.

She was a bit heavier but never fat for several years. But after kids (multiples) she dropped weight. Having a multiple birth actually causes you to lose weight rather than gain weight so new moms of twins are pretty trim right away. A little known benefit.

I like her curvy so weight gain just shifts the assets around, right? Not to be crass, but looking best in jeans thinner (IMO the best figure for a white woman is a tight booty) or filling a sweater with more pounds. Win/win I say!

But we're talking a 20 lb spread on a 68" frame so that's not very much.

At her max she might have been 45 lbs heavier than now though so that's significant. Old photos definitely show a chubby, happy face so it's all good

I was very trim and am about 70 lbs more than when I met and 45 more than my wedding weight. And in down 35-40 lbs. so my max spread was over 100 lbs. but I never felt fat except when I was briefly at my max. Mentally I've been ok and carried myself accordingly. I suspect that ups my attractiveness. I'm now working out the last few years and as I told her today I'm a good snuggler because I'm like one of those pillow top mattresses - hard inside with a soft outside.

Attitude is way more important than most people give it credit for IMO 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Her weight has varied by as much as 20% (or 25-30 lbs.). It has not affected my attraction, but if she gained considerably more, it most likely would decrease it. She wouldn't like to gain more, either, as she's always been an athlete and active. Even when she was laid up for over a year due to a serious back injury, she barely gained weight - partly because she rigorously did all her prescribed exercises and physical therapy, and because she watched her diet to conform to her activity level. Even at her highest weight when ill, her BMI was no more than 22; at her fittest, it's 19 or 20. We've both gained a little over the years, but that's almost inevitable - but, we both eat healthy and exercise, and make an effort to keep the gains in check.


----------



## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

farsidejunky said:


> When my wife and I met, she was a 135 pounds. She is between 40 and 50 pounds heavier now. At 135, she was just the short side of thick, and it was sexy.
> 
> I love her soul and her spirit, and that carries the attraction through. However, her weight gain has hampered my attraction towards her.
> 
> ...


Far, perhaps if you took on the role of primary cook? I cook most of my family's meals. Consequently, when I eat well, they eat well. When I eat like crap, so do they.


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Fozzy said:


> Far, perhaps if you took on the role of primary cook? I cook most of my family's meals. Consequently, when I eat well, they eat well. When I eat like crap, so do they.


I could, but that would only cover one meal per day. 

Her day is spent running, and she will not pack a lunch, so she does on-the-go (translation: unhealthy and fast food) eating.

I do most (95%) of the cooking already, which amounts to three breakfasts and three dinners per week.

The other piece to this is if I am going to invest more time in it, I want to see more investment from her. I have taken this over in the past, and it never sticks because she has not owned it. Again, that would take planning and effort when she would rather live her life in the moment.


----------



## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

It would definitely affect my attraction to her if she gained a lot of weight.

Fortunately she has maintained her weight fairly well her whole life.

I've never been obese but I have been 30 pounds overweight at one point.

Now I am within a few pounds of my ideal weight, and we are both working out so I'm building some muscle too.


----------



## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

I could care less (within reason). I am one of those people that is attracted to the person, not the body.

Here's the thing - I couldn't tell you why this is. I like the female form as much as the next guy. Boobs, butts and va-jay-jays are awesome :smthumbup:

I guess if you held a gun to my head, I'd say that as long as a woman has a 'womanly shape' to her, I'm good. It doesn't matter if she's thin, thick or "fat". As long as she's got a personality that I'm attracted to, I'll find her body attractive.

That said (and I don't mean this in a judgemental way at all), if a woman carries her weight in a way that she has no shape, I don't think I'd be able to get it up for her, regardless of anything else.


----------



## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

I just posted this in the MEME thread, but might be more appropriate here :grin2:


----------



## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

EllisRedding said:


> I just posted this in the MEME thread, but might be more appropriate here :grin2:


I laughed at that, and then I felt bad for laughing... then I laughed again. >


----------



## happy2gether (Dec 6, 2015)

I am not a materialistic turd, I love my wife and am attracted to her no matter how she looks to others. We have sex most nights, even after 23 years together. Sure I would be happy if she lost weight, just as she would if I did, but for HEALTH reasons not for attractiveness. 

I'll be honest, both of us are 60 pounds heavier than we met. Why should that affect our desire for each other?


----------



## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

happy2gether said:


> I am not a materialistic turd, I love my wife and am attracted to her no matter how she looks to others. We have sex most nights, even after 23 years together. Sure I would be happy if she lost weight, just as she would if I did, but for HEALTH reasons not for attractiveness.
> 
> I'll be honest, both of us are 60 pounds heavier than we met. Why should that affect our desire for each other?


For some people it does, though - and that's okay!

We all rank things differently on our own personal hierarchy tree, much like the 5 love languages. If someone absolutely requires their partner to be a certain size/weight or considers looks or body to be more important than x, y or z, that's their prerogative.

My ex wife changed from a caring, loving, happy person into a miserable so-and-so over time. I was no longer truly attracted to her the last 4 or 5 years we were together. Ironically, her body also changed, from average/chubby to seriously fit, toned and tight. Didn't make an ounce of difference to me - she was a b****, and that's unattractive! Some folks will take 'b***' as long as they're fit, toned and tight. To each their own, lol!


----------



## Duguesclin (Jan 18, 2014)

What attracts me to my wife is not how heavy or how light she is. It is all about her shape. And this does not change with how she eats.

I would be concerned if she were obese. Not because I would be less attracted to her, but because of the health consequences. 

Likewise, I would be concerned if she were very thin, again for health reasons.


----------



## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

What I found ironic is my wife & I both put on weight over our 30 years of marriage. I accepted it as part of the aging process. I have always loved my wife and expressed my desire for her. She has made multiple cutting remarks about my body. A few years back, when I came here asking for advice on my original thread, I started workin out hard.

She accused me of having a affair, and wanted to know why I was working out. My response was "I want to be with someone that WANTS to be with me, I hope that's you"

I find it very ironic that it was OK for her to put on weight, but she had no problem making cutting remarks about me.


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> What I found ironic is my wife & I both put on weight over our 30 years of marriage. I accepted it as part of the aging process. I have always loved my wife and expressed my desire for her. She has made multiple cutting remarks about my body. A few years back, when I came here asking for advice on my original thread, I started workin out hard.
> 
> She accused me of having a affair, and wanted to know why I was working out. My response was "I want to be with someone that WANTS to be with me, I hope that's you"
> 
> I find it very ironic that it was OK for her to put on weight, but she had no problem making cutting remarks about me.


It is far more socially acceptable for men to be criticized about their bodies without concern for how it makes them feel as opposed to women. There is still this notion that men don't care and aren't supposed to care about things like that, especially if they are getting laid.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

jld said:


> to her, why do you think that is?
> 
> How does your wife feel about your attraction to her not being affected by her weight?


My wife assumes my feelings are the exact same as hers. She readily admits that if I gain weight that she finds it very unattractive. So if I try to tell her that I like her being a little curvy she assumes that I just don't care if I am attracted to her or not because she is unable to empathize. 

So I make it a point to compliment my wife in the context of doing something healthy regardless of the impact on her weight.


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> What I found ironic is my wife & I both put on weight over our 30 years of marriage. I accepted it as part of the aging process. I have always loved my wife and expressed my desire for her. She has made multiple cutting remarks about my body. A few years back, when I came here asking for advice on my original thread, I started workin out hard.
> 
> She accused me of having a affair, and wanted to know why I was working out. My response was "I want to be with someone that WANTS to be with me, I hope that's you"
> 
> I find it very ironic that it was OK for her to put on weight, but she had no problem making cutting remarks about me.


So she cuts you down because of your weight gain, then you work out and try to lose the weight, and she accuses you of having an affair. She sounds like she doesn't appreciate your efforts.


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> It is far more socially acceptable for men to be criticized about their bodies without concern for how it makes them feel as opposed to women. There is still this notion that men don't care and aren't supposed to care about things like that, especially if they are getting laid.


I don't think this is true, Sam. 

Example: the "No Fat Chicks" campaign that men everywhere used to spout as if it was an entitlement for each and every man, regardless of his own weight, to have a non-fat woman, and fat women should know they are less than desired. 

There are many other ways that men put down fat and/or ugly women with no regard for their feelings. It happens all the time.

I'm not saying women don't do this. But I actually do think they are generally more polite about it.

I know that you are speaking from a position of being with your wife and how all of her friends talk...but I don't think those things are quite as normal as they are around your house.


----------



## WoundedTiger (Dec 26, 2016)

I think life is precious and so is the quality of it. If a wife doesn't seem to give a darn about this and tells you that, later in life it could become "not give a damn" about things like diabetes, high blood pressure and much more. This will affect entire family and likely make the latter years less enjoyable. 

My wife has started acting like that too, although not fat, she could get down at least 20 with ease. This is no different than a woman nagging a man for this or that. As a matter of fact, many women with weight issues that KNOW the husband doesn't like it may try to be "on the attack" so focus shifted upon you. 

Sex matters and is likely to be life extending in itself, along with a clear sign that your health is still there. Psychological erectile dysfunction can also clearly happen if libido drops due to lack of attraction over time. This will drop testosterone level in the long run as well, possibly more than the natural course. I believe that 10-20 years from now, we will not see many obese people as hormones become more mainstream and the medical establishment accepts the facts that are out there. You cannot patent compounded Testosterone, which may be ONE reason the drug companies will keep lobbying to regulate this despite clear evidence of benefits. 

Don't be afraid to have SOME expectations.


----------



## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

My attraction for my wife is based on so much more than her weight.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Don't know how many people that attraction isn't affected by being overweight.

I deeply love and cherish Mrs. Conan but straight forward purely physical attraction has fluctuated with her weight over the years.

I have never denied her sex or lacked desire do to her weight but when she is in better shape, which has been the majority of our marriage, my purely physical response is triggered far more often.

She is 5' tall and 109 very shapely pounds and I can't deny her shape is a factor in my attraction for her physically.


----------

