# Trouble processing my feelings



## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

I started dating a lovely man 2 months, so it's fairly new. He is kind, upbeat, attractive and a huge breath of fresh air after a belligerent STBXH. We enjoy many of the same hobbies. He's happy to go to the theater and museum, which is hard to find in someone my age. The chemistry is great. It's so nice to feel like the person I'm with actually wants to be there. So often sex in marriage felt like something my partner was tolerating. It's incredible with him - electric and unlike anything I remember from before marriage.

But I noticed a week or so ago that he hadn't taken down his dating profile. He has unfortunately an uncanny knack of avoiding serious conversation so in the end I just point blank asked him if he was seeing someone else. He said no and after he asked me the same and I told him I wasn't either, he then said he didn't want to make that kind of commitment though given how consumed his life is with new training program and work. He also said he has some growing up to do. I'm confused and concerned. I was pretty upset but kept my mouth shut and told him when he asked what I was thinking about that I was still processing what he had said. I am still trying to figure out how I feel about this. 

We're supposed to meet next weekend and I have a few questions I want to ask him. Any others I should add?

- Did you mean when you said you're not willing to make that commitment, that you plan on dating/sleeping with other people? (The latter is sort of a deal-breaker for me after my STBX cheating)

-I'm not looking to pick out curtains with someone new. I'm in the midst of a divorce and my son and new job are my priorities. You're not going to be my no. 1 priority and I understand that I'm not yours because we only met recently. But this felt like a really promising beginning to build from. If you don't feel the same way, then it sounds like we're not really compatible.

That's as far as I have been able to organize my thoughts/feelings. I think I was just hurt by what he said because it felt like I was a plan B until he finds someone hotter/younger/childless/more compatible who he would eventually settle down with.

He previously mentioned how special, beautiful, blah blah blah he thought I was, but I can't tell if that's the usual rigamarole a man says to a woman to get her into bed, because surely if I were that special, he wouldn't be hunting for other dates. Or is he? I'm so confused.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

He's a work in progress. He told you as much. 

Any man with an answer like that does not want anything more than fun. You don't need him to clarify it. You wouldn't need to ask him anything if you were sure. Besides, he may just tell what you want to hear.

If you want a man that's more of a finished product, certain of what he wants, you'd better move on. 

In the larger scope, 2 months is no time at all. 

I don't know your situation well, or where you are with your divorce, but you may find it difficult to find a man that will date you solely for long term until your divorce is final. Some people (men and women) looking for long term commitment will not date someone in the middle of divorce. I can honestly say I was one such person. 

How long have you been separated whilst waiting for divorce? 


joannacroc said:


> I started dating a lovely man 2 months, so it's fairly new. He is kind, upbeat, attractive and a huge breath of fresh air after a belligerent STBXH. We enjoy many of the same hobbies. He's happy to go to the theater and museum, which is hard to find in someone my age. The chemistry is great. It's so nice to feel like the person I'm with actually wants to be there. So often sex in marriage felt like something my partner was tolerating. It's incredible with him - electric and unlike anything I remember from before marriage.
> 
> But I noticed a week or so ago that he hadn't taken down his dating profile. He has unfortunately an uncanny knack of avoiding serious conversation so in the end I just point blank asked him if he was seeing someone else. He said no and after he asked me the same and I told him I wasn't either, he then said he didn't want to make that kind of commitment though given how consumed his life is with new training program and work. He also said he has some growing up to do. I'm confused and concerned. I was pretty upset but kept my mouth shut and told him when he asked what I was thinking about that I was still processing what he had said. I am still trying to figure out how I feel about this.
> 
> ...


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Satya said:


> He's a work in progress. He told you as much.
> 
> Any man with an answer like that does not want anything more than fun. You don't need him to clarify it. You wouldn't need to ask him anything if you were sure. Besides, he may just tell what you want to hear.
> 
> ...


It's coming up on a year, so I'll be filing this month.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I agree...if his looking for a commitment or monogamous relationship, he would not be dating someone still officially married.

I am sorry but that's how I see it at this point. I understand it's been awhile since you have been with your husband, but still it's still not officially done.

Give it time, try not to pin things down to much with this guy. If you insist on monogamy ( i understand) then tell him so. In the meantime.....


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