# Sad to be posting here



## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

I have been hanging around these forums for about three months now and want to introduce myself. I have been married for 22 years and I have three children still at home. Things have been up and down for about the last 15 years with our relationship, but we seemed to just cover it up and not deal with our problems. I now know that ignoring them does not make them go away! My husband moved out three months ago and in early April I discovered that he has been having an EA/possibly PA with a woman he works with. She was divorced two years ago and he was "there for her"-totally a rescue situation. Anyway, I looked at the cell phone records and found they have been talking/texting for a year and a half-late at night, all holidays, our anniversary etc. for huge amounts of time! I asked him what they talked about and he told me work. They are there all day with each other and he stopped sharing his days with me a long time ago. I am not stupid and know this is not true.

I have been seeing a counselor since he moved out and he was totally checked out at that time. I have been working on myself, etc. but I felt I was accepting that this marriage was over. Now he will not leave me alone, texts me constantly, promises me things are over with her, wants me back but I am done with him. It is disgusting what has happened and is a deal breaker to me. I have been way too dependent on him for most of our marriage and need to strike out on my own. I feel he is not respecting what I say to him. She is still working with him-in a very close work environment and he tells me she is looking for another job. I asked him to stop making excuses or explaining her situation to me as it is just too painful to hear. I want to move to be closer to my family with my kids and he has agreed to that. 

It pisses me off that he is saying he wants to get back together now after treating me like **** for the past two years and having that unknown third person in my marriage is so hurtful. He did share that he complained about me all the time to her-I just wish that I had someone to talk to/complain to when I was unaware and trying to work on this marriage with him. I feel better for writing about it. Today is a bad day-I have more good days than bad thank goodness.


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## reindeer (Mar 24, 2011)

5Creed it is sad when you decide to make your first post/thread, but this is a good place to be.
Only a relatively short time has passed since you got all of this information, and you will still be hurting, and feeling angry. It’s great you are having more good days than bad, just remember another good day will come soon.
Seeing a counsellor should help you clarify your thoughts. 
I can identify with your anger as he had someone to talk to and comfort him and you had nobody. Why are you allowing him to talk about her to you?
Have you considered divorce yet, as you say you want to ‘strike out alone’. Or was it that you were making good progress, and thinking there was no chance of reconciliation and now he is making you question this in spite of feeling ready to move on?


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

Good for you for not wavering on what you feel is right or wrong. 
I completely understand your feeling betrayed and I think counseling has made you stronger, don't you think?

I think our spouses secretly like it when we're depressed and unhappy. It gives them a sense of "winning" so to speak. The minute they realize we are over them, suddenly they want what they had previously discarded.

I give you props for realizing that you are a priority and not an option.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

reindeer-I have asked him not to bring her up to me anymore because I don't care what is happening with her-now obviously I do care that he brings her up. This has been an issue with us in the past-I tell him how something makes me feel-he keeps doing it anyway; so disrespectful. 

I just filed for divorce last week; and yes I did not think there was a chance of reconciliation after hearing for two years that he did not know if he wanted to be married anymore. I have asked him to stop bringing up that we might get back together because I was feeling like I could do this and now I am doubting myself; I don't want to but I am. I know in the end I can do it, but it is scary and it would be easy to slip back into that old relationship with him just for the security but I do not see how that is being happy. I want him to leave me alone.


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

Delinquentgurl-yes counseling has been the best thing I have done for myself in awhile. The hardest part for me has been letting myself feel the pain and betrayal instead of not dealing with it. I agree that now I am ready to move on without him, all of a sudden he wants what he can't have; I think my low self-esteem makes me question what I know I need to do. Thanks for the confidence, but I am not feeling very confident today~however I like what you said that I am not an option.


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

Girl, I hear you. Yesterday was a bad day for me and I couldn't stop the tears from falling.

I completely understand your apprehension, filing for divorce is a life changing event and I think it would be unrealistic to not second guess yourself. Personally, I feel that most marriages can be saved (serial infidelity & abuse of any kind absolutely not) but I would never judge someone for their decision to end/stay in a marriage. 

The pain is so intense I think it physically hurts, and that is why most people automatically jump into another relationship after the previous one ends, because they don't want to feel that pain. Nobody does. But in the long run, dealing with it head on instead of sweeping it under the rug or hiding it in a new relationship is so much better.

Keep your chin up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## reindeer (Mar 24, 2011)

As you said things have been up and down for a long time, and it now seems you are beginning to acknowledge your own self-worth. In many ways you are much ahead of many of us on this site, who have not yet managed to get to the point you are at.

Your husband does not seem to be acknowledging these things that may have led him to do what he has.

I separated from my husband 12 years ago (sadly have done so again!). He was having an affair and it all got very nasty. however after a period of no contact I wrote him a letter to ask him if he wanted to attend an open day at mydaughter's nursery. It arrived at the exact moment he was moving his things out of ow's place into a hired van. He contacted me that night and asked to talk to me. We met and talked. He was sorry he hurt me, but did not regret what had happened, just the way in which he did it. He felt things in our relationship had led him to do this. Many people might say that he was wrong to say this, but I felt at least in his head he felt justified, and in a way I admired him for this. 

He got rented accommodation,did not expect to walk back in. We had a relationshop on and off for 2 years until we both felt things had improved enough to move in together again. At times he withdrew as he said I was being controlling, at times I withdrew as I did not feel he was giving enough. We learnt a lot about ourselves during this process.

I think you have learnt a lot from this, but he has learnt nothing, except he cannot be alone and content. Stick with what you feel is right for you.


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

DelinquentGurl said:


> I think our spouses secretly like it when we're depressed and unhappy. It gives them a sense of "winning" so to speak. The minute they realize we are over them, suddenly they want what they had previously discarded.
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Could not agree more. I don't think it's a coincidence he wanted you back when you moved on, 5Creed.


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## Clinging (May 14, 2011)

5 Creed
did you know about the OW when he moved out or did you just find out recently? Were you in contact with him at all over the 3 months or did you do NC?

I want my H to come crawling back to me so i can tell him to hit the road, unfortunately he isn't interested yet. It has only been 2 weeks since he left but the affair I think has been ongoing for a while. I think he has moved in with her.


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

Clinging-no; I did not know about the other woman at the time he moved out. He just kept telling me he was confused and did not know if he wanted to be married and that if our 15 year old was the youngest, we would "know what to do." That is in reference to our 8 and 6 year old. But this other woman has worked with him for 15 years and my gut told me that they just seemed to be too close-he also became very distant to me. I found the cell records after he had moved out and his strange behavior was very clear to me then. I have been in contact with him because of our kids and we have been attending family counseling-and when he found out I was going ahead with the divorce, he wanted to hang around a lot more. I told him that this was my space now and he was invading it! 

It must be so hurtful that your husband has moved in with the other woman. Stay strong, take care of yourself and realize you are a good person who did not deserve to suffer for your husband's decisions and can do this! 

I am so glad I have you strong women to learn from as we experience this~we will make it no matter what!


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