# He doesn't want sex



## Momojojo (5 mo ago)

My husband has stopped wanting sex with me. I talked to him recently because my sex drive has gotten higher as of late and his has gone down. He has trouble staying hard when we do have sex and I never get the big O during sex with him anymore. It was hot and steamy in the early years, we are both now in our 40s and I expected a slight drop to maybe once or twice a month instead of once or twice a week. We I spoke to him I brought up the going soft thing and asked him if it was something about me. He admitted my weight didn't help. I wasn't a bean pole when we met but I have put on a good 100, I lost that much before the pandemic but it's all back now. I do want to lose weight, but I also don't. It makes me downright mad to think that he will want to have sex again if I loose weight. Is that weird? Like I want sex and I know if I lose weight I will feel so much better physically, but I don't want sex as a "reward". I have spoke to him about this and he sees nothing wrong with the fact that sex has stopped because he is no longer physically attracted to me. I know we should go to marriage counseling. This I guess is more of a vent. Oh and yes he has put on weight and taken it off several times since we met. I still find him to be very attractive no matter what end of the scale he is at. If I had it my way we would have sex every day.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Is he a porn user?


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

If you’re want a happy, successful marriage, that includes maintaining attraction and attractiveness for each other. And that includes physically.

You put on a lot of weight and that’s objectively unattractive to most people, including your husband. He’s telling you that he’s not physically attracted to you at your weight. That is what it is, he’s not wrong for that. You need to decide if you’re willing to do the work necessary to be attractive to your husband.
you don’t have to, but your marriage will suffer if you don’t.

And I’d give the exact same advice to a man who’s wife wasn’t physically attracted to him.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Momojojo said:


> It makes me downright mad to think that he will want to have sex again if I loose weight.


Why does it make you mad? 100 lbs is a LOT of weight for about anyone's frame. I am thinking of my wife who weighs in at 118. If she gained 100 lb she would be unrecognizable. 

You lost and gained that much weight just during the pandemic? That is 100 lb in 2 years? or a lb/week? That is 500 calories every day excess over needs. That is very bad for your health, causing all sorts of issues like diabetes, joint problems, back problems, heart and lung, sleep apnea. Forget the sex issues. 

Instead of getting mad you can invest your effort and emotions into getting fit. Result is you get everything you want.



DudeInProgress said:


> If you’re want a happy, successful marriage, that includes maintaining attraction and attractiveness for each other. And that includes physically.


People here always ask a male who comes here complaining his wife isn't romantic with him about whether he has gained weight and/or lost muscle. We will get on his case and tell him to hit the gym and become the best physical version of himself he can be. And, they are right, Physical attraction is a thing, whether we like it or not. There are things we can't help, gravity causes the chassis to sag and the skin to wrinkle. But BMI is something most have more control over than they want to acknowledge.

IMO, if a person of either gender "lets themselves go", they have no reason to complain if the bedroom grows cold.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Lose the weight for yourself, because the weight is unhealthy for you. Buy a vibrator and take care of yourself. Don’t do the “pick me” dance, it’s pathetic. He’s said his peace, he’s done. Work on yourself, for yourself, and let him do the same. If after you lose weight you want to start having sex with him again that’s up to you, but for now I think you should assume that’s over and focus on yourself. 

Are there children involved? Do you work?


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Momojojo said:


> he sees nothing wrong with the fact that sex has stopped because he is no longer physically attracted to me.


Well, there is something wrong with it. It is just plain wrong to deprive one's spouse of sex. Regardless of attraction, your husband should provide you with sex. Regardless of going soft. If he goes soft, he can continue to stimulate you. There are also sex toys which can be employed if you are ok with it. You should be provided with happy endings. There are many of us who go soft and even don't get erections at all sometimes who nevertheless provide orgasms for our wives. 

And, your husband may be quite wrong about why he goes soft. As we men age (and gaining weight is a symptom) their testosterone levels drop. He needs to see an endocrinologist and get blood work for testosterone and prolactin. His work-up may also include a head CT to determine if he has a pituitary tumor.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

TJW said:


> Regardless of attraction, your husband should provide you with sex.


Really?!?! This is one of the most messed up statements I have read on TAM. Wonder what the response would be if you had said this to a woman?


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Numb26 said:


> Really?!?! This is one of the most messed up statements I have read on TAM. Wonder what the response would be if you had said this to a woman?


Well we know that evil, ugly, worthless, man-hating TexasMom would lose her noodles. 😉😂😂😂😉

Seriously, though, no one is owed sex. Marriage is not an ownership contract. It’s gross to think it is.

Plus who can get turned on if they know the other person is trying to keep from hurling?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I'm not sure I would want my husband to have sex with me if he wasn't attracted to me.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Hmm...my first thought was porn or someone else, but then I saw the 100 pounds. That's a lot of weight.

10 or 20? Enough to notice but not over the top. 100? If my bf put on 100 lbs that would be a turnoff, and he's 6'3 and could carry it better than most. If I put on 100 lbs as a 5'4 woman I'd look terrible and even worse I'd feel terrible physically. I've been 20 pounds heavier and I hated it.

Get that weight off and take better care of yourself. It's not good for your heart or your joints.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Well we know that evil, ugly, worthless, man-hating TexasMom would lose her noodles. 😉😂😂😂😉
> 
> Seriously, though, no one is owed sex. Marriage is not an ownership contract. It’s gross to think it is.
> 
> Plus who can get turned on if they know the other person is trying to keep from hurling?


I agree. A marriage isn't much of a marriage without sex, unless of course you have that arrangement. But we do owe it to our spouse to keep ourselves up.

One of the best aphrodisiacs is knowing your partner wants you. Having them force it? Ugh....I can do better myself.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> But we do owe it to our spouse to keep ourselves up


And if you can’t it won’t or it takes too long, let them go.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

If you were single and dating, would you lose the weight? I understand what you’re saying but it’s not uncommon in marriage for people to become comfortable and think that because they’re married, their spouse will always be attracted to them. It’s a harsh thing to hear and your husband refusing to have sex does sound hurtful. 

That said, lose the weight for your own health benefit. If you lose it “for him” it probably won’t last. I’d also recommend counseling for you both as it may help to have an objective voice (besides us here) to speak into your marriage.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

*Deidre* said:


> If you were single and dating, would you lose the weight? I understand what you’re saying but it’s not uncommon in marriage for people to become comfortable and think that because they’re married, their spouse will always be attracted to them. It’s a harsh thing to hear and your husband refusing to have sex does sound hurtful.
> 
> That said, lose the weight for your own health benefit. If you lose it “for him” it probably won’t last. I’d also recommend counseling for you both as it may help to have an objective voice (besides us here) to speak into your marriage.


I think what she is saying is that her husband is shallow.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

lifeistooshort said:


> Hmm...my first thought was porn or someone else, but then I saw the 100 pounds. That's a lot of weight.
> 
> 10 or 20? Enough to notice but not over the top. 100? If my bf put on 100 lbs that would be a turnoff, and he's 6'3 and could carry it better than most. If I put on 100 lbs as a 5'4 woman I'd look terrible and even worse I'd feel terrible physically. I've been 20 pounds heavier and I hated it.
> 
> Get that weight off and take better care of yourself. It's not good for your heart or your joints.


I’m even taller than that with a big frame and I can tell you 25-30 pounds and I feel like a beached whale.

I agree with folks here on the weight loss. It might not help with sex but at least you’ll feel better.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

In Absentia said:


> I think what she is saying is that her husband is shallow.


And us women are telling her that's not fair.

If he was pissing about 10 pounds then maybe he's shallow.

100 is too much to ask of anyone.

But it has to be someone she does for herself otherwise it won't stick. If she doesn't care that weight is permanent.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

ccpowerslave said:


> I’m even taller than that with a big frame and I can tell you 25-30 pounds and I feel like a beached whale.
> 
> I agree with folks here on the weight loss. It might not help with sex but at least you’ll feel better.


My sex drive goes up the better shape I'm in and the better I feel about myself.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

In Absentia said:


> I think what she is saying is that her husband is shallow.


Yea, I think she isn’t wrong to feel that way but 100 lbs is significant in terms of health issues, so he may not be attracted to her but it might be deeper than just surface level chemistry. He should want to help figure things out, marriage is about partnering to help each other during the challenging times. Abandoning her sexually is hurtful but at the same time, physical attraction can’t be forced.

I understand that the OP is hurt but I also can see where her husband is coming from.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

If you came on here complaining of a roach problem in your house, then told us you never clean the kitchen, the first advice anyone would give is clean the kitchen. It may take other measures to remedy the problem, but you always start with the things you can control. 


100 pounds is a lot of weight gain, heck 40 or 50 would be a lot,, especially for a woman. Any conversation about anything really has to start there. 

You can't really blame a partner for losing interest, not everyone is blind to this stuff and if you look at most people that are at normal weight then 100 lbs heavier they look like 2 different people.

Guys typically don't say anything to women about their appearance even when it's bothering them. The fact that he told you means it's probably a big deal. 

Start there. If nothing happens in the bedroom after, you have the benefit of improved health and well being. That is enough of a "reward"


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

lifeistooshort said:


> My sex drive goes up the better shape I'm in and the better I feel about myself.


Mine is always the same, which I think most people would consider to be high, but to me it‘s normal.

I don’t think it’s true for my wife. She wants abs and arm muscles. So her drive and enthusiasm goes up if I am cutting down and also lifting a lot of arms which I normally wouldn’t do because it’s not functional.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

*Deidre* said:


> Yea, I think she isn’t wrong to feel that way but 100 lbs is significant in terms of health issues, so he may not be attracted to her but it might be deeper than just surface level chemistry. He should want to help figure things out, marriage is about partnering to help each other during the challenging times. Abandoning her sexually is hurtful but at the same time, physical attraction can’t be forced.
> 
> I understand that the OP is hurt but I also can see where her husband is coming from.


I would still have sex with my wife - she is still my wife - but that's me. I understand the husband's lack of attraction, though.


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## Momojojo (5 mo ago)

Thank you everyone for your thoughts. I guess in my mind physical should only be a small part of it. Example, I find my husband more attractive with a beard, but he shouldn't be required to keep that beard if he wants physical intimacy with me. I know the weight needs to come back off for my health, it was just getting to me that I am cut off from that physical intimacy because I "let myself go". 
Yes he is watching porn, I do too. We do have the one child of whom I am the primary parent. We both have full time jobs with similar pay, mine being higher and with the health care benefits. Getting this off my chest has made it clear I need to get the appointment made for the couples therapy.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

In Absentia said:


> I would still have sex with my wife - she is still my wife - but that's me. I understand the husband's lack of attraction, though.


I don’t think I’d stop having sex with my husband but the sheer logistics of an extra 100 lbs on top of me during sex might become an issue. I love my husband and if he gained 100 lbs I’d feel there was a bigger issue going on within him, and my attraction diminishing would be the least of my worries. If the OP’s husband is only concerned with his own sense of attraction in all of this, then he could very well be shallow.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Momojojo said:


> Thank you everyone for your thoughts. I guess in my mind physical should only be a small part of it. Example, I find my husband more attractive with a beard, but he shouldn't be required to keep that beard if he wants physical intimacy with me. I know the weight needs to come back off for my health, it was just getting to me that I am cut off from that physical intimacy because I "let myself go".
> Yes he is watching porn, I do too. We do have the one child of whom I am the primary parent. We both have full time jobs with similar pay, mine being higher and with the health care benefits. Getting this off my chest has made it clear I need to get the appointment made for the couples therapy.


I’m so glad you took our comments in the spirit we intended and that is to help you.  Hoping things get better for you.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Over first 25 years of marriage, I gained total of 50 lb from driving a desk, no exercise, and no discipline. Wife didn't gain a pound. Even after four kids. She never said a word, and never gave any indication my weight was an issue for her. On our 25th anniversary, looking at her during our celebration dinner, I realized she looked as hot as when I met her in HS, and decided she deserved far better than I was delivering. So I embarked on a successful self improvement plan for HER and my benefit.

Just sayin...


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

I can't obviously speak for all, but there is another aspect beyond just appearance....

Lets take away the possibility of some health related uncontrollable weight gain such as thyroid dysfunction, etc...That would be a different thing, but rather just a lack of caring about ones appearance..

It doesn't speak well of someone's character to pack on that amount of weight and not stop somewhere along the way and do something about it...It shows a lack of basic discipline, self worth, etc....

It just adds another dimension to the issue...


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

In Absentia said:


> I would still have sex with my wife - she is still my wife - but that's me. I understand the husband's lack of attraction, though.


I would say the same thing. My wife has put on a lot of weight and I still have sex with her. If I waited for her to lose it, it might be a while before we had sex again.


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

OP make losing weight fun with your husband. Tell him you need him to have sex with you often to help you lose weight. Sex is great exercise too and will help you burn off some weight. I'm 115lbs and at my heaviest I was 165lbs and felt awful so upped the sex, but your husband has to want to too. Tell him the result would be worth it. Also get a fitness instructor and work with them. I lost the 50lbs in about 6 months or less.

Sent from my SM-G970F using Tapatalk


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> I would say the same thing. My wife has put on a lot of weight and I still have sex with her. If I waited for her to lose it, it might be a while before we had sex again.


I was thinking about it and there are certain cues that I look for. I can probably deal with just about any breast size except crazy huge but I’m looking for a particular hips to waist and a non flat butt. I think it would maybe be a struggle for me with certain body shapes but I am a trooper and I’d try it. 

I don’t think weight gain at least for my wife has changed her overall shape at all. I still remember how she looked and what she wore the first time I went out with her. She’s now maybe 3 dress sizes bigger than that but I don’t even notice, still want to hit it every day!


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Fat is as fat does …. 🤐

Keep in mind he can hide behind the whale excuse so that he doesn’t have to come to terms with his limp noodle. It’s an easy out for him.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

In Absentia said:


> I would still have sex with my wife - she is still my wife - but that's me. I understand the husband's lack of attraction, though.


Same here. A spouse has a responsibility to fulfill the other spouse’s sexual needs.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

SCDad01 said:


> Same here. A spouse has a responsibility to fulfill the other spouse’s sexual needs.


With no conditions??


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

SCDad01 said:


> Same here. A spouse has a responsibility to fulfill the other spouse’s sexual needs.


Nobody is owed sex


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

hamadryad said:


> With no conditions??


Obviously doesn’t apply if in an abusive relationship, infidelity, etc.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> I would say the same thing. My wife has put on a lot of weight and I still have sex with her. If I waited for her to lose it, it might be a while before we had sex again.


lol... my situation is/was rather extreme, in the opposite... one of the reasons quoted by my wife for stopping our sexual life was body image issues, i.e. being too fat in her eyes. When I said "you mean no more sex f_orever_?" she replied: "maybe when I lost the weight"... well, you can imagine what happened next... she got fatter... pretty much in the very obese category now. I guess she didn't have to show her body to me any more. I would still have had sex with her. I miss her greatly, since going separate ways, but it is what it is.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Numb26 said:


> Nobody is owed sex


I think it’s a vital part of a healthy marriage and unfair for one spouse to deny the other, except for reasons I mentioned above.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

SCDad01 said:


> I think it’s a vital part of a healthy marriage and unfair for one spouse to deny the other, except for reasons I mentioned above.


Unfair, maybe but well within a spouses right. Just because you are married does not give someone access to your body. The answer is simple, divorce and leave.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Momojojo said:


> My husband has stopped wanting sex with me. I talked to him recently because my sex drive has gotten higher as of late and his has gone down. He has trouble staying hard when we do have sex and I never get the big O during sex with him anymore. It was hot and steamy in the early years, we are both now in our 40s and I expected a slight drop to maybe once or twice a month instead of once or twice a week. We I spoke to him I brought up the going soft thing and asked him if it was something about me. He admitted my weight didn't help. I wasn't a bean pole when we met but I have put on a good 100, I lost that much before the pandemic but it's all back now. I do want to lose weight, but I also don't. It makes me downright mad to think that he will want to have sex again if I loose weight. Is that weird? Like I want sex and I know if I lose weight I will feel so much better physically, but I don't want sex as a "reward". I have spoke to him about this and he sees nothing wrong with the fact that sex has stopped because he is no longer physically attracted to me. I know we should go to marriage counseling. This I guess is more of a vent. Oh and yes he has put on weight and taken it off several times since we met. I still find him to be very attractive no matter what end of the scale he is at. If I had it my way we would have sex every day.


Is there anything else going on between you? I admit I am not sure how I would feel toward my wife physically if she put on a lot of weight, but I do know I want sex less since we have been having trouble getting along in general for awhile now. And that is with her being in pretty decent shape. Like, I find her less attractive due to our fighting and things she has said to me.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

[QUOTE


Numb26 said:


> Unfair, maybe but well within a spouses right. Just because you are married does not give someone access to your body. The answer is simple, divorce and leave.


The answer is keep yourself reasonably fit and attractive so that your spouse will WANT to have sex with you.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

In Absentia said:


> lol... my situation is/was rather extreme, in the opposite... one of the reasons quoted by my wife for stopping our sexual life was body image issues, i.e. being too fat in her eyes. When I said "you mean no more sex f_orever_?" she replied: "maybe when I lost the weight"... well, you can imagine what happened next... she got fatter... pretty much in the very obese category now. I guess she didn't have to show her body to me any more. I would still have had sex with her. I miss her greatly, since going separate ways, but it is what it is.


How long have you been divorced? Did you get divorced because of your lack of sex life?


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Numb26 said:


> Unfair, maybe but well within a spouses right. Just because you are married does not give someone access to your body. The answer is simple, divorce and leave.


I didn’t say it was okay to rape your spouse. But it’s definitely unfair to withhold sex because you don’t want it, etc. 

And divorce is a last ditch effort to me unless abuse and infidelity are involved. Or unless you’ve exhausted all efforts to solve your issues. Marriages aren’t meant to be disposable IMO.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

SCDad01 said:


> I think it’s a vital part of a healthy marriage and unfair for one spouse to deny the other, except for reasons I mentioned above.


Sex is a vital part of a healthy marriage. It’s a key, foundational pillar of marriage.

It’s also vital to maintain attraction for one another. 
And it’s an expectation that we keep ourselves reasonably fit, in shape and attractive for our spouse (and hopefully ourself).


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

DudeInProgress said:


> [QUOTE
> 
> The answer is keep yourself reasonably fit and attractive so that your spouse will WANT to have sex with you.


People get lazy and complacent. It happens in a lot of relationships. One thing I do know is that when a woman loses interest, it doesn't come back.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

SCDad01 said:


> I didn’t say it was okay to rape your spouse. But it’s definitely unfair to withhold sex because you don’t want it, etc.
> 
> And divorce is a last ditch effort to me unless abuse and infidelity are involved. Or unless you’ve exhausted all efforts to solve your issues. Marriages aren’t meant to be disposable IMO.


Marriages also aren't meant to be abusive and the withholding of sex is abuse.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

uwe.blab said:


> How long have you been divorced? Did you get divorced because of your lack of sex life?


We are not divorced yet... we are separated and we live in two adjacent houses. We will probably sell up next year when the little uni finishes uni. And yes, we separated because my wife withdrew unilaterally from our sex life.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

SCDad01 said:


> I didn’t say it was okay to rape your spouse. But it’s definitely unfair to withhold sex because you don’t want it, etc.


Big difference but “don’t want to” and being physically unattracted to / repulsed by your spouse. 
The answer isn’t that he needs to keep having sex with her no matter what. The answer is that she needs to lose weight so she’s attractive to her husband.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

In Absentia said:


> We are not divorced yet... we are separated and we live in two adjacent houses. We will probably sell up next year when the little uni finishes uni. And yes, we separated because my wife withdrew unilaterally from our sex life.


Ok. that sucks.

So, was it like, you started having sex less and less. You initiated and she rejected more and more over time -- a couple years, 3-4 years?-- then finally you started complaining that you two did not have a sex life? And then she flat out said she is not having sex anymore? Or did she kind of string you along, "going to work on it" etc? 

I feel like mine is dwindling and there are so many excuses-- we are really busy, tired at the end of the day, kids always here.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

DudeInProgress said:


> Sex is a vital part of a healthy marriage. It’s a key, foundational pillar of marriage.
> 
> It’s also vital to maintain attraction for one another.
> And it’s an expectation that we keep ourselves reasonably fit, in shape and attractive for our spouse (and hopefully ourself).


But I wonder how many people really do with the obesity rate as high as it is?


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Not saying the OP is doing this but I also wonder how many people do let themselves go physically and then if their spouse no longer wants sex with them, don't really care as THEY didn't want sex anyway?


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> But I wonder how many people really do with the obesity rate as high as it is?


Don’t know, don’t care. 
Far more effective to look up and forward, rather than down and backwards.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

DudeInProgress said:


> Don’t know, don’t care.
> Far more effective to look up and forward, rather than down and backwards.


Well of course but thats not always reality.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> Not saying the OP is doing this but I also wonder how many people do let themselves go physically and then if their spouse no longer wants sex with them, don't really care as THEY didn't want sex anyway?


With the explosion of weed use and other sensory numbing compounds, maybe they just don't care one way or the other...


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## Momojojo (5 mo ago)

hamadryad said:


> I can't obviously speak for all, but there is another aspect beyond just appearance....
> 
> Lets take away the possibility of some health related uncontrollable weight gain such as thyroid dysfunction, etc...That would be a different thing, but rather just a lack of caring about ones appearance..
> 
> ...


I never said I wasn't trying to loose weight. I am fully aware of the health issues it is creating. Yes there are things going on that caused the weight to pack on. My weight has forever been a battle for me. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about it. The sex issue is clearly something that needs to be addressed in therapy. What I feel is heartache that I no longer have physical intimacy with the one person I wanted to have that with for the rest of my life. He has pulled away from me during a difficult battle with my weight. Attractive physically or not, I feel there should still be mental attraction. Age is going to change our looks, but I am still the same person he married. As I am very aware of now, this is going to require professional help to get through.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Momojojo said:


> but I am still the same person he married.


That part really isn’t accurate


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

uwe.blab said:


> Ok. that sucks.
> 
> So, was it like, you started having sex less and less. You initiated and she rejected more and more over time -- a couple years, 3-4 years?-- then finally you started complaining that you two did not have a sex life? And then she flat out said she is not having sex anymore? Or did she kind of string you along, "going to work on it" etc?
> 
> I feel like mine is dwindling and there are so many excuses-- we are really busy, tired at the end of the day, kids always here.


People that want to share sex with one evanother do. Excuses are a terrible sign of more misery on the way to you. For sure if mr right arrived she wud be hit to trot


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Momojojo said:


> I never said I wasn't trying to loose weight. I am fully aware of the health issues it is creating. Yes there are things going on that caused the weight to pack on. My weight has forever been a battle for me. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about it. The sex issue is clearly something that needs to be addressed in therapy. What I feel is heartache that I no longer have physical intimacy with the one person I wanted to have that with for the rest of my life. He has pulled away from me during a difficult battle with my weight. Attractive physically or not, I feel there should still be mental attraction. Age is going to change our looks, but I am still the same person he married. As I am very aware of now, this is going to require professional help to get through.


He may miss intimacy with you too but finds it hard to force things. I definitely think it sucks where you’re at with all of this, especially if you’ve struggled with weight in your life. I think it’s sad that he has pulled away like that and it may feel like he’s punishing you but I’m sure his behavior didn’t happen overnight. Maybe he feels you don’t care. You do care, but he may feel you don’t.

I definitely think counseling will unpack other issues that could be underlying but I doubt it’s all about vanity and surface attraction for your husband. Only you know him best but I doubt you’d be desiring him so much if he was just a superficial jerk. lol

Hoping your husband agrees to counseling but please find one that doesn’t “take sides.” That seems to be a common theme in some threads I’ve read here.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

uwe.blab said:


> Ok. that sucks.
> 
> So, was it like, you started having sex less and less. You initiated and she rejected more and more over time -- a couple years, 3-4 years?-- then finally you started complaining that you two did not have a sex life? And then she flat out said she is not having sex anymore? Or did she kind of string you along, "going to work on it" etc?
> 
> I feel like mine is dwindling and there are so many excuses-- we are really busy, tired at the end of the day, kids always here.


She had moved out of the marital bed because of a chest infection and cough (mine). She then refused to come back and she didn't want to have sex with me anymore. Reasons quoted: my short temper (this had happened 10-15 years before), empty-nest syndrome, menopause, body image issues. We were having scheduled sex, as a compromise, roughly twice a month..


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Momojojo said:


> I do want to lose weight, but I also don't. It makes me downright mad to think that he will want to have sex again if I loose weight. Is that weird? Like I want sex and I know if I lose weight I will feel so much better physically, but I don't want sex as a "reward".


I do understand where you are coming from with this sentiment.

But attraction isn’t not a choice. It is a deep, instinctual programming that we actually have very little control over. We are attracted to who and what we are attracted to and not many people are going to be attracted to someone who has put on 100lbs. Putting on 100lbs turns you into a completely different person and the risk is great that it turns you into someone that others may not be attracted to or desire.

Now I do understand your anger and resentment. 

But lets flip this around and look at it from his perspective. This is also disrespectful to him that you have let yourself go to this degree but yet still expect him to desire you and give you good love’n.

putting on 100lbs and letting yourself become someone unattractive to him is showing you don’t care about him and don’t really care about his desire or attraction.

In fact, there are women out there in fact who pack it on intentionally so their husbands WONT try to have sex with them.

so from your husband’s perspective, he may be seeing this as a sign of disrespect and lack of caring for HIM.

if my wife were to pack on 100lbs and expect me to still live her up, I would take that as she cares so little for me and would think that I was so weak and desperate that I should have to settle for someone 100 lbs overweight that I should just shut up and take what I can get.

this is a very unhealthy situation, both physically as well as emotionally and as a relationship.

it’s not about being shallow or watching porn.

this is a life threatening and life altering condition that needs proper assessment and management.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Rus47 said:


> People that want to share sex with one evanother do.


And people who don't want to, usually don't. They make a unilateral decision to cut sex off from the other partner, denying them the only morally-acceptable outlet they have. Besides the moral issues, it's unusual to find partners who are financial equals. If they split from their non-earning spouse in order to get sex, the earning spouse gets monetarily crucified by the revenge of jurisprudence, and in today's world, it leaves two people, both living at poverty level.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

Momojojo said:


> I never said I wasn't trying to loose weight. I am fully aware of the health issues it is creating. Yes there are things going on that caused the weight to pack on. My weight has forever been a battle for me. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about it. The sex issue is clearly something that needs to be addressed in therapy. What I feel is heartache that I no longer have physical intimacy with the one person I wanted to have that with for the rest of my life. He has pulled away from me during a difficult battle with my weight. Attractive physically or not, I feel there should still be mental attraction. Age is going to change our looks, but I am still the same person he married. As I am very aware of now, this is going to require professional help to get through.


Age related deterioration in a person's appearance doesn't have anything to do with that type of weight gain...You can't really use that logic, and no medical professional would be willing to agree with you...

It all comes down to how bad do you want it? If its still a problem, then my guess is not bad enough....


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> Not saying the OP is doing this but I also wonder how many people do let themselves go physically and then if their spouse no longer wants sex with them, don't really care as THEY didn't want sex anyway?


I’m sure that happens.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Momojojo said:


> I never said I wasn't trying to loose weight. I am fully aware of the health issues it is creating. Yes there are things going on that caused the weight to pack on. My weight has forever been a battle for me. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about it. The sex issue is clearly something that needs to be addressed in therapy. What I feel is heartache that I no longer have physical intimacy with the one person I wanted to have that with for the rest of my life. He has pulled away from me during a difficult battle with my weight. Attractive physically or not, I feel there should still be mental attraction. Age is going to change our looks, but I am still the same person he married. As I am very aware of now, this is going to require professional help to get through.


People who haven’t really struggled with weight don’t understand. There are a lot of people, and often this happens for men because of the difference in their physiology, that they can cut out sodas and have a salad once a week and lose all the weight in a matter of months. It’s no one’s fault, some people are just built differently. It’s also very different if they’ve maintained within 10-15 lbs, there is a HUGE difference between a tiny amount of weight that isn’t even noticeable and a LOT of weight. Smaller amounts come off fast, larger amounts take forever with no visible results for a loooong time. I’m entering year two of my weight struggle and nothing I do makes it move much. I’m maxing out at .5-1 lb a week. I’m considering just letting go of ever having sex again because I don’t think H should have to wait around for this, it’s taking forever and he’s not super supportive of my efforts (doesn’t help🥺). I know how you feel, it’s easy for strangers to say “just lose the weight” because for them it’s super easy. They don’t understand how hard it is physically and emotionally, especially if food is the only pleasure you really have left. This isn’t a weight loss forum, but there are forums that exist that are focused on that and provide more emotional support. You might have better luck with that. As for therapy, who knows, if your H is done he’s done. You can’t make someone care if they don’t. I know that’s hard to hear, but if he doesn’t understand your struggle it will be hard for him to see it as anything but you overeating. I hope you can get a therapist for you who can help you find help getting healthy. If your husband sticks around, fine, but don’t put your life on hold for someone who isn’t there for you. It’s a waste of his time and yours. And I mean honestly, would you want him after this?


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

In Absentia said:


> She had moved out of the marital bed because of a chest infection and cough (mine). She then refused to come back and she didn't want to have sex with me anymore. Reasons quoted: my short temper (this had happened 10-15 years before), empty-nest syndrome, menopause, body image issues. We were having scheduled sex, as a compromise, roughly twice a month..


Did you giver her a time frame to change or no?


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

TexasMom1216 said:


> People who haven’t really struggled with weight don’t understand. There are a lot of people, and often this happens for men because of the difference in their physiology, that they can cut out sodas and have a salad once a week and lose all the weight in a matter of months. It’s no one’s fault, some people are just built differently. It’s also very different if they’ve maintained within 10-15 lbs, there is a HUGE difference between a tiny amount of weight that isn’t even noticeable and a LOT of weight. Smaller amounts come off fast, larger amounts take forever with no visible results for a loooong time. I’m entering year two of my weight struggle and nothing I do makes it move much. I’m maxing out at .5-1 lb a week. I’m considering just letting go of ever having sex again because I don’t think H should have to wait around for this, it’s taking forever and he’s not super supportive of my efforts (doesn’t help🥺). I know how you feel, it’s easy for strangers to say “just lose the weight” because for them it’s super easy. They don’t understand how hard it is physically and emotionally, especially if food is the only pleasure you really have left. This isn’t a weight loss forum, but there are forums that exist that are focused on that and provide more emotional support. You might have better luck with that. As for therapy, who knows, if your H is done he’s done. You can’t make someone care if they don’t. I know that’s hard to hear, but if he doesn’t understand your struggle it will be hard for him to see it as anything but you overeating. I hope you can get a therapist for you who can help you find help getting healthy. If your husband sticks around, fine, but don’t put your life on hold for someone who isn’t there for you. It’s a waste of his time and yours.


My sense is that he is done. She can be thankful of one thing though, at least he didn't get her hooked on hopium.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

uwe.blab said:


> Did you giver her a time frame to change or no?


No. She was adamant she wasn’t going to change her mind. So I said I wanted to separate. I never gave her any ultimatums.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Numb26 said:


> My sense is that he is done. She can be thankful of one thing though, at least he didn't get her hooked on hopium.


actually, the fact that he is even trying at all is notable.

a lot of guys would just be gone.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Numb26 said:


> My sense is that he is done. She can be thankful of one thing though, at least he didn't get her hooked on hopium.


Well and as she pointed out, if it didn’t happen over weight it would have happened as she aged. It’s better to learn younger when there’s something she can do about it. At a certain point it’s just over, she may be able to get a couple of years of happiness in before that day comes. She can shed a couple hundred pounds super quick and not have that albatross while she loses the rest.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

oldshirt said:


> actually, the fact that he is even trying at all is notable.
> 
> a lot of guys would just be gone.


This is true


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Well and as she pointed out, if it didn’t happen over weight it would have happened as she aged. It’s better to learn younger when there’s something she can do about it. At a certain point it’s just over, she may be able to get a couple of years of happiness in before that day comes.


Live while you can is good advice


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> actually, the fact that he is even trying at all is notable.
> 
> a lot of guys would just be gone.


i shouldn’t make it sound sexist.

a lot of women would be gone too or at minimum would have stopped having sex at all long before reaching 100lbs.


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## AlwaysImproving (5 mo ago)

IDK, struggling with weight is 10-30 lbs. I've hit 30 before and freaked out and was back down within a month. I couldn't imagine letting myself go to 100 and still considering it struggling.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

AlwaysImproving said:


> IDK, struggling with weight is 10-30 lbs. I've hit 30 before and freaked out and was back down within a month. I couldn't imagine letting myself go to 100 and still considering it struggling.


It’s nice you can lose 30 lbs in a month. That you think everyone can do that as easily as you did is my point. I’m not excusing the weight gain, I’m saying not everyone diets for a few weeks and the weight falls off. I’m at 30 lbs and at the rate I’m going it will be another year. It’s not always as easy as you dismiss it to be. The OP should let her husband go and work on herself. He can find a young, skinny girl and she can try to find some happiness on her own with her child.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I’m maxing out at .5-1 lb a week.


This is actually a* perfect* loss rate! You are consuming 250-500 calories less per day than you are taking in. Yes it takes a long time. But we didn't gain it all in an afternoon either. I gained 50 lb in our first 25 years of marriage. Or 2 lb/year. or about 20 calories excess per day. So I went from a BMI of 21 to 32. From a normal weight young man with a 32" waist to a middle-aged obese fatso with waist size of 46". Of course, it took 2 years of concerted effort to take it all off. It takes a lifestyle change, not just eating salads. MY regret was letting myself get so far out of line.

And, it shouldn't matter whether a spouse helps or doesn't. This *must* be for the individual. My wife didn't "help", and I didn't expect her to. Her metabolism was higher, her genetics leaner. She could eat a box of chocolates every week and never gain a pound because she worked every ounce of it off. While I was sitting at a desk at work, she was corralling 4 kids, working out, moving continuously from morning until night.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Rus47 said:


> This is actually a* perfect* loss rate! You are consuming 250-500 calories less per day than you are taking in. Yes it takes a long time. But we didn't gain it all in an afternoon either. I gained 50 lb in our first 25 years of marriage. Or 2 lb/year. or about 20 calories excess per day. So I went from a BMI of 21 to 32. From a normal weight young man with a 32" waist to a middle-aged obese fatso with waist size of 46". Of course, it took 2 years of concerted effort to take it all off. It takes a lifestyle change, not just eating salads. MY regret was letting myself get so far out of line.
> 
> And, it shouldn't matter whether a spouse helps or doesn't. This *must* be for the individual. My wife didn't "help", and I didn't expect her to. Her metabolism was higher, her genetics leaner. She could eat a box of chocolates every week and never gain a pound because she worked every ounce of it off.


Always do it for yourself, nobody else.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Numb26 said:


> Always do it for yourself, nobody else.


Well to be honest, as I said before, actually did it FOR my wife although she never even knew why I embarked on my quest until years later.

25th wedding anniversary dinner. Sitting across from her and marveling that this beautiful woman was *MY* wife, recalling she had the exact same figure as when we met in HS. She deserved better than she was receiving and I resolved to do what I could to regain the physique had when we married.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Rus47 said:


> Well to be honest, as I said before, actually did it FOR my wife although she never even knew why I embarked on my quest until years later.
> 
> 25th wedding anniversary dinner. Sitting across from her and marveling that this beautiful woman was *MY* wife, recalling she had the exact same figure as when we met in HS. She deserved better than she was receiving and I resolved to do what I could to regain the physique had when we married.


That's nice. What did she say when you told her?

I did it for me. Because I was angry at myself not because I was trying to prove anything to anyone else.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Numb26 said:


> That's nice. What did she say when you told her?
> 
> I did it for me. Because I was angry at myself not because I was trying to prove anything to anyone else.


Started crying, said she had no idea that was running through my mind on our anniversary. She said she just figured I had decided to get healthy and was grateful for that. BTW, I quit smoking the same day embarked on my plan. I think she was even happier about that than anything else.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Rus47 said:


> Started crying, said she had no idea that was running through my mind on our anniversary. She said she just figured I had decided to get healthy and was grateful for that. BTW, I quit smoking the same day embarked on my plan.


Good job on quitting smoking!


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

I can only speak for myself, but if my wife put on 100#s, I'd have a hard time wanting to be with her sexually. Of course I would still love her but come on. I'd expect the same from her if I put on a 100#.

You said you lost it but then put it back on? So obviously you're capable of losing it.

Now you're "mad" at him?

Where's the anger towards yourself for putting it back on as I'm sure it took a lot of discipline to lose that much weight and then to put it back on?

Why don't you use that anger and direct it on a plan to lose the weight again. Not for him but for yourself. Carrying all that weight isn't healthy.

Just my two cents.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Everyone has their tolerances. I'd still love my guy if he didn't shower or brush his teeth but I'd be less then thrilled about having sex with him. And I'd be extra turned off by the lack of effort on his part.

I think if he put on a bunch of weight I might even be able to get past some of it if he was making an honest effort to lose it. If not I'd feel like he was taking me for granted.

The effort matters a lot. We all age and our bodies change but if we're making the effort we can make that matters a lot.

I may have missed it but is your hb fit? Has he gained weight too?


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

sideways said:


> I can only speak for myself, but if my wife put on 100#s, I'd have a hard time wanting to be with her sexually. Of course I would still love her but come on. I'd expect the same from her if I put on a 100#.
> 
> You said you lost it but then put it back on? So obviously you're capable of losing it.
> 
> ...


I agree. 100 pounds for ANYONE is a conscious life style choice to be lazy, eat everything and everything unhealthy to excess, and not exercise at all. Shouldn't be mad at anyone but herself. Any normal spouse would take notice and most likely, be repulsed.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

RebuildingMe said:


> I agree. 100 pounds for ANYONE is a conscious life style choice to be lazy, eat everything and everything unhealthy to excess, and not exercise at all. Shouldn't be mad at anyone but herself. Any normal spouse would take notice and most likely, be repulsed.


100 pounds is asking a lot


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Numb26 said:


> 100 pounds is asking a lot


At least 80 pounds too much for me.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> This is actually a* perfect* loss rate! You are consuming 250-500 calories less per day than you are taking in. Yes it takes a long time. But we didn't gain it all in an afternoon either. I gained 50 lb in our first 25 years of marriage. Or 2 lb/year. or about 20 calories excess per day. So I went from a BMI of 21 to 32. From a normal weight young man with a 32" waist to a middle-aged obese fatso with waist size of 46". Of course, it took 2 years of concerted effort to take it all off. It takes a lifestyle change, not just eating salads. MY regret was letting myself get so far out of line.
> 
> And, it shouldn't matter whether a spouse helps or doesn't. This *must* be for the individual. My wife didn't "help", and I didn't expect her to. Her metabolism was higher, her genetics leaner. She could eat a box of chocolates every week and never gain a pound because she worked every ounce of it off. While I was sitting at a desk at work, she was corralling 4 kids, working out, moving continuously from morning until night.


This is off topic so I won’t go on too long, but when I say “not supportive” I mean with all the trips we go on he gets mad (yelling and silent treatment) if I diet while we travel (he doesn’t want to diet) and if I bring clothes to work out he complains I overpack and says I’m ruining the trip by spending time and energy on my diet/exercise instead of “enjoying the trip”. We travel every 4-6 weeks. And my losses are too slow to expect anyone to wait for. Normal and healthy my Aunt Fanny, it’s stupid slow and SO frustrating. 🥺

The OP mentioned her H is overweight too but I don’t think by as much. Plus as we’ve seen many men can lose weight really fast. (Not just men, some women too, it’s about metabolism, not sex). And there’s a lot more societal tolerance for overweight men than women. She would likely be more successful if she ended her marriage and started living for herself. Plus she would feel better about herself not having someone judging her day in and day out. And time comes for all of us. I can lose weight but I will never be as firm as I once was; the OP will have the same issue. It’s heartbreaking to be rejected, it’s not good for her soul to go through that.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

TexasMom1216 said:


> This is off topic so I won’t go on too long, but when I say “not supportive” I mean with all the trips we go on he gets mad (yelling and silent treatment) if I diet while we travel (he doesn’t want to diet) and if I bring clothes to work out he complains I overpack and says I’m ruining the trip by spending time and energy on my diet/exercise instead of “enjoying the trip”. We travel every 4-6 weeks. And my losses are too slow to expect anyone to wait for. Normal and healthy my Aunt Fanny, it’s stupid slow and SO frustrating. 🥺
> 
> The OP mentioned her H is overweight too but I don’t think by as much. Plus as we’ve seen many men can lose weight really fast. (Not just men, some women too, it’s about metabolism, not sex). And there’s a lot more societal tolerance for overweight men than women. She would likely be more successful if she ended her marriage and started living for herself. Plus she would feel better about herself not having someone judging her day in and day out. And time comes for all of us. I can lose weight but I will never be as firm as I once was; the OP will have the same issue. It’s heartbreaking to be rejected, it’s not good for her soul to go through that.


I agree, she should just move on. If it's gone for him, it's not coming back. She should concentrate on herself and getting healthy


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

TexasMom1216 said:


> This is off topic so I won’t go on too long, but when I say “not supportive” I mean with all the trips we go on he gets mad (yelling and silent treatment) if I diet while we travel (he doesn’t want to diet) and if I bring clothes to work out he complains I overpack and says I’m ruining the trip by spending time and energy on my diet/exercise instead of “enjoying the trip”. We travel every 4-6 weeks. And my losses are too slow to expect anyone to wait for. Normal and healthy my Aunt Fanny, it’s stupid slow and SO frustrating. 🥺
> 
> The OP mentioned her H is overweight too but I don’t think by as much. Plus as we’ve seen many men can lose weight really fast. (Not just men, some women too, it’s about metabolism, not sex). And there’s a lot more societal tolerance for overweight men than women. She would likely be more successful if she ended her marriage and started living for herself. Plus she would feel better about herself not having someone judging her day in and day out. And time comes for all of us. I can lose weight but I will never be as firm as I once was; the OP will have the same issue. It’s heartbreaking to be rejected, it’s not good for her soul to go through that.


The other issue that occurred to me is that if she does lose it she may be resentful that he pulled away from her and may be less interested in him. It's a tough one.

And you make a good point about the support or lack of. There are people that will ***** about their partners weight and watch porn but then don't support the partner's efforts to lose. We don't know how supportive he is or whether he may even be sabotaging her. The marital dynamic usually changes when one's weight changes a lot.

What you describe on your trips is him sabotaging you. Why do you think that is?


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> The other issue that occurred to me is that if she does lose it she may be resentful that he pulled away from her and may be less interested in him. It's a tough one.
> 
> And you make a good point about the support or lack of. There are people that will *** about their partners weight and watch porn but then don't support the partner's efforts to lose. We don't know how supportive he is or whether he may even be sabotaging her. The marital dynamic usually changes when one's weight changes a lot.


How many times have we heard, “If she loses weight she’s cheating.”

I would feel that way. Plus no matter how I feel about myself I will never accept some other woman’s leavings.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

TexasMom1216 said:


> How many times have we heard, “If she loses weight she’s cheating.”


Yep, at least one time in every thread. That and "if she is not having sex with you, she is having it with someone"

Both pretty much broad-brush assumptions that aren't always true.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

So I am the guy who causes overpacking with workout clothes and shoes. I get up early so training doesn’t impact anyone else. Sometimes I will even bring a jump rope and TRX. 

Why? 

Because I eat a lot and I drink a lot and I have to exercise at least an hour a day or I turn into a fat cow, especially now that I am getting older. I eat less but I also can’t work out as hard or long.

My wife dropped 15 pounds in the last year+ just by going on my eating schedule which is 16h fasted. I think she is eating roughly the same, maybe more calories but only during an 8 hour window.

She flipped the script on the man/woman thing. I train and try and avoid carbs. She mainly goes on an evening walk with me for exercise and that’s it. It has now been a year and 7 months with no skipped days I have gone on the evening walk with her to support her. Even if I am drunk, sick, or injured I somehow make it for that 20 minute walk. We even went on a 3 week vacation with unlimited awesome food and alcohol and she gained zero weight.

How?

Anyway the struggle is real for those of us who like food and alcohol. It’s not easy OP!


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

ccpowerslave said:


> So I am the guy who causes overpacking with workout clothes and shoes. I get up early so training doesn’t impact anyone else. Sometimes I will even bring a jump rope and TRX.
> 
> Why?
> 
> ...


You are far better than me. I hate every minute I am exercising but I do it. Wife doesn't at all so no motivation there.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

ccpowerslave said:


> So I am the guy who causes overpacking with workout clothes and shoes. I get up early so training doesn’t impact anyone else. Sometimes I will even bring a jump rope and TRX.
> 
> Why?
> 
> ...


Are you debunking the notion that only men can lose weight? You know for women, it’s always hormonal or some gland that just doesn’t work well anymore. Oh my. Prepare to be executed 😂


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> You are far better than me. I hate every minute I am exercising but I do it. Wife doesn't at all so no motivation there.


Some days I don’t feel like training, like today. It was actually motivating to me that my wife messed around on her phone in bed instead of trying to initiate last night.

It pissed me off so today I did all resistance stuff (TRX) and heavy arms and then 300 abs.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

RebuildingMe said:


> Are you debunking the notion that only men can lose weight? You know for women, it’s always hormonal or some gland that just doesn’t work well anymore. Oh my. Prepare to be executed 😂


I tried mansplaining that the way she was eating was stupid for probably 10 years and she told me to pound sand.

Then probably when my abs were starting to show and I was training really hard for some reason she adopted some of those techniques without the mansplaining and they seemed to have worked.

Edit: Important note, she would complain about wanting to lose weight. I didn’t offer it out of the blue. When she said her body would respond to going on walks I agreed to go every day even though it is not efficient.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Momojojo said:


> My husband has stopped wanting sex with me. I talked to him recently because my sex drive has gotten higher as of late and his has gone down. He has trouble staying hard when we do have sex and I never get the big O during sex with him anymore. It was hot and steamy in the early years, we are both now in our 40s and I expected a slight drop to maybe once or twice a month instead of once or twice a week. We I spoke to him I brought up the going soft thing and asked him if it was something about me. He admitted my weight didn't help. I wasn't a bean pole when we met but I have put on a good 100, I lost that much before the pandemic but it's all back now. I do want to lose weight, but I also don't. It makes me downright mad to think that he will want to have sex again if I loose weight. Is that weird? Like I want sex and I know if I lose weight I will feel so much better physically, but I don't want sex as a "reward". I have spoke to him about this and he sees nothing wrong with the fact that sex has stopped because he is no longer physically attracted to me. I know we should go to marriage counseling. This I guess is more of a vent. Oh and yes he has put on weight and taken it off several times since we met. I still find him to be very attractive no matter what end of the scale he is at. If I had it my way we would have sex every day.


Twice a month is not enough for your 40’s. My wife and I are just turned 60 and we are 2 times per week. Both of us had issues with weight 10 years ago. The culprit were our thyroids. Have you had labs done to see if there are other factors. Once we got to the bottom of it we each lost substantial amounts of weight.

Extraweight will kill you slowly. Forget about sex as a reward…get yourself healthy. Consider a trainer and dietition on top of a doctor.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> You are far better than me. I hate every minute I am exercising but I do it. Wife doesn't at all so no motivation there.


Same. I have a Peloton bike, I try to ride/work out. I have my H and my son and my dog standing at the door complaining that I’m not available while I do it. I hate hate hate it but I do it anyway. Doesn’t do anything but I assume my heart is healthier.


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

RebuildingMe said:


> I agree. 100 pounds for ANYONE is a conscious life style choice to be lazy, eat everything and everything unhealthy to excess, and not exercise at all. Shouldn't be mad at anyone but herself. Any normal spouse would take notice and most likely, be repulsed.


Sent from my SM-G970F using Tapatalk


.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

ccpowerslave said:


> So I am the guy who causes overpacking with workout clothes and shoes. I get up early so training doesn’t impact anyone else. Sometimes I will even bring a jump rope and TRX.
> 
> Why?
> 
> ...


For some reason your fat cow comment made me laugh. My bf will comment that he feels like "a big fat hog" when he eats a lot and it always makes me laugh.

Begs the question of whether there are thin cows but they'd probably be unpopular in the herd.....but I digress.

Weight is a tough battle, especially as we get older. I would like to know if hee hb is supportive of efforts to lose weight.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Same. I have a Peloton bike, I try to ride/work out. I have my H and my son and my dog standing at the door complaining that I’m not available while I do it. I hate hate hate it but I do it anyway. Doesn’t do anything but I assume my heart is healthier.


I hate Peloton, treadmills, and all things stationary. I feel like a hampster.

Plus when you're out for a run or ride nobody cam harass you 😀


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> I hate Peloton, treadmills, and all things stationary. I feel like a hampster.
> 
> Plus when you're out for a run or ride nobody cam harass you 😀


It’s too hot in Houston. I’d rather be outside but the weather is nasty.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

TexasMom1216 said:


> It’s too hot in Houston. I’d rather be outside but the weather is nasty.


I'm used to it. I came up running xcountry in Phoenix and now live in NE FL.

Heat is tough though.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> I'm used to it. I came up running xcountry in Phoenix and now live in NE FL.
> 
> Heat is tough though.


I’ve lived in Texas my whole life, you’d think I’d be tougher. I love the instructors on Peloton, they’re awesome.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

lifeistooshort said:


> Weight is a tough battle, especially as we get older. I would like to know if hee hb is supportive of efforts to lose weight.


Agreed. My wife was training many years ago for a nasty hike. I went with her on her training hikes, at the time she was in better shape than me and she was kicking my ass. She dropped me on a 15% hill and I was like no way!!! I literally couldn’t catch her and that was with a 30lb loaded frame backpack.

I would always go on a diet with her and even prepare special food if she requested it. I do make her different food sometimes like rice and carbs if she wants them with dinner.

I think it helps a lot if your partner isn’t sitting there sucking down tubes of Pringles if you’re trying to lose.



lifeistooshort said:


> I hate Peloton, treadmills, and all things stationary. I feel like a hampster.


Me too but I bet you would like spin class and maybe live Peloton for one simple reason, you race everyone in class for total power output.

Of course since it isn’t weight adjusted in the classes I have been to I have won every single spin class I have ever done. One time there was a lady who was probably a cyclist in one of them and about a half an hour in I saw someone was close to me, so I cranked down on the resistance and started hammering for the last half hour. Even during the rests I would cheat and dial it harder and pedal slow so it looked like I was resting.

After class she looked around and found my bike and was like, “Oh. I was trying to beat you!” I’m like look at me lady I have 100 pounds on you, if it comes down to how much I can push in an hour I win!

On an actual hill she’d drop me in the first 3 minutes and get bored waiting for me to finish.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

@Momojojo I have a question. How long have you been married? You say you lost that much before the pandemic. Which means you weighed this much before? Did he have sex before when you weighed this much? Sounds like he did.

So I suspect that there's more to it than just weight. Weight is an easy thing to pick on. But if he had sex before and not now what has actually changed?

He may actually have low testosterone or some other form of ED. Is he saying he wants a divorce? I can tell you some of these comments are ridiculous. Yes you need to lose weight. But fat people have sex all the time. Men who found you attractive before would still find you attractive. 

Is there other sources of resentment going around? Has he ever been checked by a doctor? Also men are super sensitive about their penis so depending on how you brought up the softness of his limp penis he may have just been lashing out.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Anastasia6 said:


> @Momojojo I have a question. How long have you been married? You say you lost that much before the pandemic. Which means you weighed this much before? Did he have sex before when you weighed this much? Sounds like he did.
> 
> So I suspect that there's more to it than just weight. Weight is an easy thing to pick on. But if he had sex before and not now what has actually changed?
> 
> ...


Nice super spin there to penis size and him “lashing out”. I can tell you as a man, if I was attracted to a woman, then saw her a year later with a *century* weight gain, no I wouldn’t be attracted anymore. I doubt I’m in the minority either.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

RebuildingMe said:


> Nice super spin there to penis size and him “lashing out”. I can tell you as a man, if I was attracted to a woman, then saw her a year later with a *century* weight gain, no I wouldn’t be attracted anymore. I doubt I’m in the minority either.


Yes so it's good she isn't married to you. I said NOTHING about his penis size. If you didn't READ her intro he's having a literal limp ****.

She's weight this much before so I ASKED a question about their sex life when she was this weight before.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

RebuildingMe said:


> Nice super spin there to penis size and him “lashing out”. I can tell you as a man, if I was attracted to a woman, then saw her a year later with a *century* weight gain, no I wouldn’t be attracted anymore. I doubt I’m in the minority either.


Exactly.

If he's being mean to her by making crude remarks or not supporting or encouraging her then shame on him. I'd still love my wife if in same situation but I wouldn't be up for sex. Heck if it was me who put on 100#s I wouldn't want to have sex either because I'd be scared I'd have a heart attack.


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## Momojojo (5 mo ago)

lifeistooshort said:


> I may have missed it but is your hb fit? Has he gained weight too?


He is not "fit" he does have a dad bod with the slight beer belly. He has put on roughly 75 pounds since we met. He has a very active job that keeps him moving at least 8 hours a day, I feel that is the only reason he hasn't put on a lot more. I still find him incredibly attractive, but as said by others that's just how I feel.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Momojojo said:


> He is not "fit" he does have a dad bod with the slight beer belly. He has put on roughly 75 pounds since we met. He has a very active job that keeps him moving at least 8 hours a day, I feel that is the only reason he hasn't put on a lot more. I still find him incredibly attractive, but as said by others that's just how I feel.


The double standard is pretty hurtful.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Momojojo said:


> He is not "fit" he does have a dad bod with the slight beer belly. He has put on roughly 75 pounds since we met. He has a very active job that keeps him moving at least 8 hours a day, I feel that is the only reason he hasn't put on a lot more. I still find him incredibly attractive, but as said by others that's just how I feel.


Maybe you both can prioritize getting healthy and losing weight together as a team. Have you talked to him about it?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Momojojo said:


> He is not "fit" he does have a dad bod with the slight beer belly. He has put on roughly 75 pounds since we met. He has a very active job that keeps him moving at least 8 hours a day, I feel that is the only reason he hasn't put on a lot more. I still find him incredibly attractive, but as said by others that's just how I feel.


So do you know that your weight is the issue?

Has he told you or alluded to it?

75 pounds is a lot.


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

RebuildingMe said:


> Nice super spin there to penis size and him “lashing out”. I can tell you as a man, if I was attracted to a woman, then saw her a year later with a *century* weight gain, no I wouldn’t be attracted anymore. I doubt I’m in the minority either.


She actually brought up a really good point. He has seen her a century larger before and still hit it with enthusiasm. Then she lost it and regained it. This isn’t new but his reaction is. So maybe he didn’t find the weight attractive previously but his hormone levels were enough to counteract that. Now maybe his T-levels aren’t what they used to be and now it is an issue. So the solution might have to be two-pronged with her weight loss and his looking into his hormone levels.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Bluesclues said:


> She actually brought up a really good point. He has seen her a century larger before and still hit it with enthusiasm. Then she lost it and regained it. This isn’t new but his reaction is. So maybe he didn’t find the weight attractive previously but his hormone levels were enough to counteract that. Now maybe his T-levels aren’t what they used to be and now it is an issue. So the solution might have to be two-pronged with her weight loss and his looking into his hormone levels.


Well of course. I believe the lose weight was covered extensively and quite a bit meanly as well. I think she knows that part. But is that the true problem is my question.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Anastasia6 said:


> Yes so it's good she isn't married to you. I said NOTHING about his penis size. If you didn't READ her intro he's having a literal limp ****.
> 
> She's weight this much before so I ASKED a question about their sex life when she was this weight before.





Momojojo said:


> He is not "fit" he does have a dad bod with the slight beer belly. He has put on roughly 75 pounds since we met. He has a very active job that keeps him moving at least 8 hours a day, I feel that is the only reason he hasn't put on a lot more. I still find him incredibly attractive, but as said by others that's just how I feel.


Momo, I know there's a lot going on with your situation, but in my opinion the most important aspect about all of this is your health.

You mentioned you lost 100#'s previously and then you put it back on. Why do you think you put it back on? Especially knowing how much discipline and work you put in to lose it?

What thoughts were going through your head?

Why did you stop doing what you did to lose the weight?

If you don't figure out the answers to these questions this is going to keep on happening (lose it--put it back on--lose it--put it back on).

It's a proven fact that these Yo-Yo's are even harder on your body. 

You have a lot of things to work on, but in my humble opinion your health takes precedent over your marriage. You can certainly work on both of these at the same time.

You said you were angry at him. I get it.
You know you can channel that anger and put it to good use.

Momo I want to commend you on losing a HUNDRED F'N POUNDS!!!

That is a HUGE accomplishment. So you put it back on. I know it sucks and I can imagine there's a lot of thoughts and emotions you have about all of this and I mean about yourself (not what's going on with your husband). 

Frustrated, disappointed, why, shame, anger, helplessness and so many other things.

Well guess what, instead of beating yourself up, you NEED to remind yourself that you've been exactly where you are right now and you KNOW how to do this!!

You don't have to figure the steps out or try to reinvent the wheel.

JUST DO EXACTLY WHAT YOU DID LAST TIME!!

You have the blueprint on exactly what to do and more importantly you know it will work!!

So that should get you motivated and excited that you can do this.

Do it for yourself because you deserve to be the best you. A healthy you.

What do you think?

It takes one BAD @$$ person to do this and you know you can do it.

You ready to do this again?


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Bluesclues said:


> She actually brought up a really good point. He has seen her a century larger before and still hit it with enthusiasm. Then she lost it and regained it. This isn’t new but his reaction is. So maybe he didn’t find the weight attractive previously but his hormone levels were enough to counteract that. Now maybe his T-levels aren’t what they used to be and now it is an issue. So the solution might have to be two-pronged with her weight loss and his looking into his hormone levels.


She knows she can do it. She should. Then leave him in the dust and live her best life.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

TexasMom1216 said:


> She knows she can do it. She should. Then leave him in the dust and live her best life.


Why would she leave him in the dust?
Because he’s physically not attracted to her at +100lbs and doesn’t want to have sex with her?
If she loses the weight, rekindles the attraction and the situation improves, why would she leave him in the dust?
She said she still attracted to him and loves him, so that really wouldn’t make any sense.

He’s not a badguy because he’s upset / disappointed / turned off that his wife let herself gained 100 pounds.

Now if she loses the weight and gets herself healthier and more attractive, and things still don’t improve, then she should leave him in the dust.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Anastasia6 said:


> Well of course. I believe the lose weight was covered extensively and quite a bit meanly as well. I think she knows that part. *But is that the true problem is my question.*


Unknown, but it is the most obvious and likely problem. 
And the most obvious and effective solution (on a number of levels) is to lose the weight, get healthy and more attractive, and go from there.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

DudeInProgress said:


> Why she leave him in the dust?
> Because he’s physically not attracted to her at +100lbs and doesn’t want to have sex with her?
> If she loses the weight, rekindles the attraction and the situation improves, why would she leave him in the dust?
> She said she still attracted to him and loves him, so that really wouldn’t make any sense.
> ...


His extra 75 lbs are his right as a man, though, right? She’s shallow for caring about looks, right? Go ahead and report it.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Bluesclues said:


> She actually brought up a really good point. He has seen her a century larger before and still hit it with enthusiasm. Then she lost it and regained it. This isn’t new but his reaction is. So maybe he didn’t find the weight attractive previously but his hormone levels were enough to counteract that. Now maybe his T-levels aren’t what they used to be and now it is an issue. So the solution might have to be two-pronged with her weight loss and his looking into his hormone levels.


Maybe, but I didn’t see it was specified that her husband were was with her when she was this heavy before. 
Maybe he was with her at the time, or maybe it was before his time, and he never experienced her this big before.
Maybe that was specified, but if so I missed it.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

DudeInProgress said:


> Unknown, but it is the most obvious and likely problem.
> And the most obvious and effective solution (on a number of levels) is to lose the weight, get healthy and more attractive, and go from there.


She should, but she also might not want his 75 lbs overweight fat arse at that point. Especially if he was a douche about her weight.

Not saying her weight isn't an issue, but we have to be careful before we demand what we aren't reciprocating. Weight can be a complicated dynamic.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

He had trouble keeping it up. So she asked him if it was about her. He told her the weight was an issue for him. Should he have lied to her? His weight gain ssaid wasnt an issue for her. 

They both have a weight problem. She has and can address hers. He evidently wont address his.

IMO, her plan to schedule MC is probably good idea. Lot of anger and unhappiness there. Hope the counseling will help them find a path forward.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

TexasMom1216 said:


> His extra 75 lbs are his right as a man, though, right? She’s shallow for caring about looks, right? Go ahead and report it.


What the hell are you talking about? No one ever said any of that

She said that she’s not bothered by his 75 pounds. 
If she was, and it was impacting her attraction for him, then he should lose the weight as well.
And he would get exactly the same advice.

No one ever said she would be shallow for caring about looks.
And if she is bothered by his 75 pounds, that would be perfectly understandable. 
But she said she’s not. So it’s kind of irrelevant in this equation.

If she’s attracted to him at +75, then his weight isn’t a problem for their marriage (for health reasons, I would still highly recommend that he get in better shape, but it’s not relevant to the conversation about sex and attractiveness).
If she is turned off by him at +75 then his weight is just as much of a problem as hers, and he needs to lose weight as well. But that’s not the case here.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

lifeistooshort said:


> She should, but she also might not want his 75 lbs overweight fat arse at that point. Especially if he was a douche about her weight.
> 
> Not saying her weight isn't an issue, but we have to be careful before we demand what we aren't reciprocating. Weight can be a complicated dynamic.


Being turned off +100 is not being a douche. Seriously.

And if she doesn’t like his +75, and it starts impacting her attraction for him, then yes he should absolutely lose that weight or risk losing her.
And he would be given exactly that advice.

But fut for now, she said she doesn’t care about his weight and it doesn’t affect her attraction for him. 
If she loses the weight and then starts to be bothered by his, then the situation will reverse itself and then he will be exactly where she is now.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> He had trouble keeping it up. So she asked him if it was about her. He told her the weight was an issue for him. Should he have lied to her? His weight gain ssaid wasnt an issue for her.
> 
> They both have a weight problem. She has and can address hers. He evidently wont address his.
> 
> IMO, her plan to schedule MC is probably good idea. Lot of anger and unhappiness there. Hope the counseling will help them find a path forward.


He shouldn’t lie to her. He’s lost interest in her. You’re right, he can’t help how he feels. 

So, she should leave and then work on herself for herself. Her weight is unhealthy for her, she needs to be around for her child and for herself. 

What she should NOT do is a pathetic, needy, desperate pick me dance for someone who is no longer into her. She should do what is best for her health. That includes losing weight and not humiliating herself for someone who told her, honestly, that he no longer wants her.

But you are completely correct. He is not wrong for no longer wanting or loving her because she gained weight. 100 lbs, 30 lbs, 10 lbs. doesn’t matter, she cannot gain weight and expect her marriage to survive. If she doesn’t stay the same, she cannot expect his feelings to stay the same.


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## AlwaysImproving (5 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> It’s nice you can lose 30 lbs in a month. That you think everyone can do that as easily as you did is my point. I’m not excusing the weight gain, I’m saying not everyone diets for a few weeks and the weight falls off. I’m at 30 lbs and at the rate I’m going it will be another year. It’s not always as easy as you dismiss it to be. The OP should let her husband go and work on herself. He can find a young, skinny girl and she can try to find some happiness on her own with her child.


Let me rephrase for accuracy. In 6 weeks I was almost 18 down which brought me closer to the lower end of the range. I can see how I worded it would make you think I lost 30 in one month. Sorry!

I was following the Fat Flush Plan by Ann Gittleman. It's been out a long time, so not a lot of marketing around it, but it's the most successful diet I ever followed. It's cheap and easy! Faster losses in the beginning then it slows down, but I'm not hungry. I've lost 50 lbs on it before over 6 months and can usually tighten up a bit here and there with only half following the routine to get those pants fitting right again lol. It goes in phases, so I can do an initial 10-15 lb drop and then go to another phase to rest. Then come back again for the next 5-10 if necessary. That cheesecake catches up to you fast lol.

Edit for OP: If you're +100 you should see big drops in the beginning because that weight surely isn't all fat.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

DudeInProgress said:


> Being turned off +100 is not being a douche. Seriously.
> 
> And if she doesn’t like his +75, and it starts impacting her attraction for him, then yes he should absolutely lose that weight or risk losing her.
> And he would be given exactly that advice.
> ...


I've said in earlier posts that 100 pounds is a lot and I get how it's a problem. I was trying to get at how complicated an issue weight can be.....he's turned off which is understandable but she's now left feeling angry about it. And if she loses it she may remember the rejection. We know how rejection clouds feelings.

It's just how these things work unfortunately. There's no good answer but to keep yourself up.


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## Momojojo (5 mo ago)

sideways said:


> Momo, I know there's a lot going on with your situation, but in my opinion the most important aspect about all of this is your health.
> 
> You mentioned you lost 100#'s previously and then you put it back on. Why do you think you put it back on? Especially knowing how much discipline and work you put in to lose it?
> 
> ...


I had a routine before the pandemic. I had a lake at work I could walk around. A salad bar that made lunch easy because I had no prep I had to do. I went to the gym three days a week. Then suddenly I didn't have any of it. I suddenly had a grade school child and myself at home trying to get lunch done and eaten in my 30 minute lunch break. I compromised on foods and then there was weight gain instead of loss, I let my depression get the best of me and more compromises were made on lunches and snacks because suddenly our food bill was higher and my husband who took over groceries to reduce the amount of exposure,he still was out in public while I was working from home, was stressed over the amount of things I needed to stay on the exact meal plan that was helping me lose the weight. So then more compromises were made. I also got sick of measuring out everything I ate and stopped logging what i did consume. I was heavier and tried to bring back old routines, I got discouraged. I tried at home work outs but space and noise became an issue (we live in an apartment). When the gym opened again the new reduced hours didn't fit our family schedule. Things to this day still aren't a good routine to support me. I work 7 am to 3:30pm. He works 10:30 to 8:30pm. My daughter is out of the house during my shift and that is the only time I am not with her. I am responsible for making dinner almost everyday. He sometimes works 5 shifts a week. Tuesday, one of his days off, we eat with his parents and the other days I at least have his help with the cooking. Once the school year starts back up I will have my daughter's after school activities again. My time is after she is in bed so 9:30pm at the latest. So now that the gym is open extended hours again I go get an hour there then go to sleep. We do have family walks and swim days, but my weekend is full of laundry and cleaning. My daughter is getting better at helping with the laundry but I still can't trust her 100% without supervision. My husband has proven he can't because he drys things he shouldn't. Yes I have control over the cooking and I am maintaining not gaining now. Losing it isn't easy for me if I don't have variety or I burn out on things. I also have my mental health battles. I know I put others before myself way more than I should and I know I need to get back to my personal therapy in addition to counseling for my marriage.

I appreciate the people who gave constructive criticism. Those who didn't probably need to take a few classes on empathy, I know there are plenty of courses available with LinkedIn. Not everyone can change their habits on a dime like you almighty keyboard gods. Not everyone is mentally in a good place and telling them they are just being lazy isn't helping. Do you understand what goes on in the brain of someone who struggles with mental health and weight? Many of us can't stand to look at the horrible mess they have made of themselves. Now let's have the man we love tell us he no longer finds us attractive and doesn't want to have sex anymore. Do you think that is good for our mental well being? Then in a low moment I reach out to strangers who tell me I am repulsive? That my hate for myself is justified because I should hate that I got so low I am carrying around another person with me every step of my day. That i should be ashamed that I want my husband to have sex with such a repulsive fat person? Maybe it could have been presented better. True or not.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Momojojo said:


> I had a routine before the pandemic. I had a lake at work I could walk around. A salad bar that made lunch easy because I had no prep I had to do. I went to the gym three days a week. Then suddenly I didn't have any of it. I suddenly had a grade school child and myself at home trying to get lunch done and eaten in my 30 minute lunch break. I compromised on foods and then there was weight gain instead of loss, I let my depression get the best of me and more compromises were made on lunches and snacks because suddenly our food bill was higher and my husband who took over groceries to reduce the amount of exposure,he still was out in public while I was working from home, was stressed over the amount of things I needed to stay on the exact meal plan that was helping me lose the weight. So then more compromises were made. I also got sick of measuring out everything I ate and stopped logging what i did consume. I was heavier and tried to bring back old routines, I got discouraged. I tried at home work outs but space and noise became an issue (we live in an apartment). When the gym opened again the new reduced hours didn't fit our family schedule. Things to this day still aren't a good routine to support me. I work 7 am to 3:30pm. He works 10:30 to 8:30pm. My daughter is out of the house during my shift and that is the only time I am not with her. I am responsible for making dinner almost everyday. He sometimes works 5 shifts a week. Tuesday, one of his days off, we eat with his parents and the other days I at least have his help with the cooking. Once the school year starts back up I will have my daughter's after school activities again. My time is after she is in bed so 9:30pm at the latest. So now that the gym is open extended hours again I go get an hour there then go to sleep. We do have family walks and swim days, but my weekend is full of laundry and cleaning. My daughter is getting better at helping with the laundry but I still can't trust her 100% without supervision. My husband has proven he can't because he drys things he shouldn't. Yes I have control over the cooking and I am maintaining not gaining now. Losing it isn't easy for me if I don't have variety or I burn out on things. I also have my mental health battles. I know I put others before myself way more than I should and I know I need to get back to my personal therapy in addition to counseling for my marriage.
> 
> I appreciate the people who gave constructive criticism. Those who didn't probably need to take a few classes on empathy, I know there are plenty of courses available with LinkedIn. Not everyone can change their habits on a dime like you almighty keyboard gods. Not everyone is mentally in a good place and telling them they are just being lazy isn't helping. Do you understand what goes on in the brain of someone who struggles with mental health and weight? Many of us can't stand to look at the horrible mess they have made of themselves. Now let's have the man we love tell us he no longer finds us attractive and doesn't want to have sex anymore. Do you think that is good for our mental well being? Then in a low moment I reach out to strangers who tell me I am repulsive? That my hate for myself is justified because I should hate that I got so low I am carrying around another person with me every step of my day. That i should be ashamed that I want my husband to have sex with such a repulsive fat person? Maybe it could have been presented better. True or not.


I know you are not ready to lose weight. How? Because your entire post is excuses why you can’t. Only you can fix that. You don’t have a salad bar but you are responsible for dinner? Make salads. OP I hope you and your husband find your footing to become healthy. Not for the sex, but the well being if your daughter. She deserves two parents that are going to be alive when she gets married.


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