# How to save my marriage and stop the affair



## wowaffair (May 4, 2011)

Heres my story...
My wife and I have been together for about 9 years
and married for 4.5...and we have a 2 year old son

My wife just asked me if I was happy and she said she was not and wanted a divorce.....
I asked whats wrong and she said everything....
I am devastated...
We have never faught except once just before being married....
She is a very passive person...

She does not want to go to counseling and had told me she doesn't love me in that way anymore only as a brother...

I have wrote her letters, tried to talk to her...but she doesn't want to try at all...

She plays met someone on world of warcraft...and has been having an online affair for a few months...
Moved to facebook and their affair is voice not text maybe even video
Guy lives in another country...

We signed a separation agreement as I wanted one if she is leaving with regards to my son, we have more debt that assest
I can keep the house but am taking all the debt.
She does not want to give up custody so we spit custody...

She is now making arrangements to go to the other country to meet the guy...

We are still talking but she says its too late...
I do not want to give up I love her eternally and am will to work through the affair...if I can...

After taking a week apart I wrote a 1500 word letter expressing my feelings and talked about our issues and good times..
Biggest issues are communication and lack of doing what she wanted and together activities...

I am the main breadwinner and have been blinded by try to make more money by online business...

I canceled all my online business to focus on our marriage

I have not been doing the activities she wanted do and she says she been unhappy before my son was born but she never brought these unhappy feelings up...

I have tried reason and logic telling her that I will give up all my activites to focus on her and child...

How can I save my marriage?
How can I get her to stop the affair?
She just won't try and says I will find someone else...

I feel that since she has already has someone else this is why she is being so heartless.....

She has moved out...but we are sharing my son....
I have also made it clear the the son will not be able to leave the country....

Help please, I love my wife and want to work it out....


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

First of all, stop all of the "I love you's" and such. The last thing she wants to hear is how much you love her and that you will change. Now is the time to do something. 

There are going to be many people who disagree with this, but if nobody knows about what she's doing, you have to expose the affair. You have to tell her parents, siblings, your family, close friends so that no longer are her activities a secret. She's lost in the infamous "fog" now and it will take some very drastic and decisive actions to get her free from it, if at all possible. 

If you can, go get the book "Surviving an Affair". It gives a very detailed approach to fighting for your marriage.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Tell her to go. Good riddance! She doesn't respect you and never will with all that I Love You crap. It makes you look weak in her eyes. Go to the mens forum to and read over some posts about manning up and respect issues with wayward spouses. Very helpful stuff. 

Be strong. Ask lots of questions here. It will help you immensely.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Here's food for thought



> 12 Unattractive, Ugly, Typical Tactics
> Most People Use to Prolong the Affair
> and Guarantee Their Own Misery
> 
> ...


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

More info for your consideration



> "The 7 Deadly Mistakes Men
> Make When Our Wife Cheats..."
> 
> Mistake #1 BLAMING YOURSELF FOR HER AFFAIR
> ...


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

I know it seems like a lot of information. I know it seems really extreme but right now you mean absolutely nothing to your wife. She has been body snatched! That is what it looks like. Right?

You will get advise on here that appears counter-intuitive. It is. BUt right now it is the only way to deal with her. She has gone. She may come back but not if you ask her.

The online affair with a person in a different country can be a very powerful emotional Affair. The thing is that once she gets there she will find a person who spends all day playing online games , not the warrior she has been dreaming about for months.

You need to pack her bags. Stop asking her to stay and look after your child. Don't try and stop her. DISCONNECT. This is the most important thing you can do. This is not the person you know!

How do I know this? Because my wife is currently in a PA with a co-worker. Follow the advice here. I will say it again it seems incredibly extreme and counter-intuitive . The sooner you do it the sooner you will see your wife appearing again. Perhaps you can work it out but mostly it is about YOUR protection. People will help you here. They have helped me. We support each other.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yuo can't stop the affair. Only she can.

And I will tell you straight up, you begging for her, quittin gall your online business to focus on her while she's cheating on you an dplanning her great escape to another country to be with OM is not going to help save your marriage. it will have th opposite effect.

Stop pleading, telling her you love her, etc. Stop begging.

DO find your self-respect and self-worth and tell her you have thought a lot about what she's done and realize you don't need that in your life. That you will have no part in it. So if she wants to go, she is free, but not to expect you to be there when she gets back.

You have to mean this.

WOMEN WILL NOT LOVE MEN THEY DON'T RESPECT. THIS IS A FACT.

So start respecting yourself.


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## wowaffair (May 4, 2011)

I appreciate all the responses...
We are still talking barely though..

When I spoke to her today she told me that no matter what I say she will not change her mind....
And that when I talk about our relationship it makes her not want to talk to me....

She has no friends, well 1 sort of..who left her fiance 6 months before marrying with 2 kids for a guy who lives in his parents basement....

I spoke to mother today and made sure she knew what my wife is doing and that I want to work through this...

Unfortunately she is a VERY internal person, loner almost no friends, father that was a drug addict so he and her mom had split up and he only comes by a few tims a year to drop off guilt money. Not close to her siblings at all and Mother daughter relationship is more like a friendship...

Worst part is mother just had a online affair in past 6 months also...but she got back with her partner and worked it out...

Blows my mind mother has one and then my wife.....


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

wowaffair said:


> I appreciate all the responses...
> We are still talking barely though..
> 
> When I spoke to her today she told me that no matter what I say she will not change her mind....
> And that when I talk about our relationship it makes her not want to talk to me....


Then stop talking about the relationship/marriage STAT.

You have got to act AS IF it's already over. It's the ONLY way you have a chance.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

1st Hide her passport.

2nd Hide the computor

Or 

help her back....boxes and all 

distance your self...give her a tast of what it will be like when you not around.

So what country is she moving to? She's nuts...man make this move as inconvienent as as drawn out as possible. And when it does happen get a ticket for a flight the next day, so when she calls you asking to be rescued, you will already be there and you can pull her out of what ever sex slave opperation she has gotten her self into.

Seriously find out as much as you can afford on who the OM is. And do it quitely.


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## wowaffair (May 4, 2011)

She just applied for her passport...
She is already moved out...
Computer was part of the separation agreement..
Basically she is leaving with only the laptop

I don't think she is moving as she doesn't want to give up custody of our son we each went joint custody...

I am in Canada and the affair guy is in North Carolina....
I have a name and phone number that's it...
And who knows if its really his real name as its his facebook name....

Some of my friends thinks shes gone no chance of coming back 
for years....

I appreciate all the advise...keep it coming please...


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## MrQuatto (Jul 7, 2010)

wowaffair said:


> She just applied for her passport...
> She is already moved out...
> Computer was part of the separation agreement..
> Basically she is leaving with only the laptop
> ...


At this point, do NOTHING that helps her financially and I would probably make her leave now. Let her see and feel the immediate consequences of this direction. If you give her the opportunity to plan it all out, it will go smoothly enough, force her hand now.

Q~


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

How the hell do you have joint custody if she moves to another country?


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## wowaffair (May 4, 2011)

She is going to meet this guy in NC as she said she is not happy and put her happiness aside for a long time....
She said her happiness has to come first..

She said she is not moving there...

She says she is not happy and doesn't love me anymore....
I told her that our child should come first...


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

wowaffair said:


> She is going to meet this guy in NC as she said she is not happy and put her happiness aside for a long time....
> She said her happiness has to come first..
> 
> She said she is not moving there...
> ...


Of course she's saying all these things and you know why?

Because she knows that if things don't work out with the OM that she has good, ol' dependable wowaffair to come back to. In other words, she has nothing to fear.

If it is true that she is emotionally done with you, then she shouldn't mind that you go ahead and file for divorce.

You ARE NOT a weak man but you are acting like one. Remember that women have never, ever been attracted to men they perceive as weak. Your wife is no exception.

If you expect to be treated like a consolation prize, then you certainly will be.


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## wowaffair (May 4, 2011)

I don't think I can file for divorce here in ontario as I have no actual prove of the affair..as she speaks to him using voip and she did call him from here but I wasn't here so its not like I have an actual conversation...

I spoke to my wife yesterday and she told me she is looking at apartments here. So she is planning to stay here..but she is still planning to go see the NC guy....I asked her if she was still going to the US and she said I don't know

Here's my dilemma..
One of the big issues were that we didn't do enough things together as a couple. She is still willing to spend time with me as she wants to see her son.. She likes outdoor things like walks hiking biking etc...

If I start doing these things with her perhaps this might earn me some "Love Points" and win her back?

Or do I cut all contact and only speak to her when we exchange our son..?My issue with this is that she is still speaking to the other guy and if I do nothing he will keep enticing her while if I do something perhaps she will realize that she can have a real life instead of a virtual one.....


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Are you sure that you can't get a divorce in Ontario? Have you consulted a divorce attorney?


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

As far as I know anyone can get a divorce any time anywhere... affair or not. You can site irreconsirable differences, or uncontested.. No country/state or otherwise can keep you in an unhappy marriage.


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## wowaffair (May 4, 2011)

1 yr of separation to get a divorce
Adultry or physical or mental cruelty are faster..

So what do I do try to do things with her or leave her alone?


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Buy a VAR and hide in near the computer, you should then have evidence. Be more cunning than they are.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

My advice is if she is still planning on seeing the OM and is talking of moving out.. start treating your relationship like a business. The only thing you need to discuss is your son. No talk abuot your relationship what so ever.

Start focusing on you and taking care of yourself mentally and physically. Start a 180. Spend lots of time with your son. If your W is unwilling to cut off contact with the OM and is taking steps to move out it is time for you to act like its over, and stop trying to win her back. It's time for YOU.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

I know WOW people(I am not one, but I know people, including family members who are), and they all seem to be the same: they either have dead-end lives, extremely low self esteem or they live in their mother's basement.
Wonder what she's gonna do when she meets this guy, and he is 50+yrs. old, no job, no teeth, with a drug habit and arrest warrants in 3 states?

Or, is really a zit-faced, 14-year old?


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## wowaffair (May 4, 2011)

I used to play wow but didn't have time for it anymore...
Today I called her and asked if we could go for a walk at first she was hesitant, but said ok when I was bringing her laptop...

I know I could have kept it or put spyware on it but technically we are now separated and it would not make a difference...

I tried not to talk about the relationship, I did ask her one question though. Why she says why when I ask tell her that I would still like to spend time with her or try to do things with her
(thinking I might win her back by doing real outdoor things she enjoys)..She told me she was asking why I wanted to do these things as this would prolong the suffering.....

I was surprised when her cell phone rang! She did not have a cell, she just bought this on, a pay as you go as I asked her how she would pay for it...

I could tell by the smile on her face when she was talking that she was talking to HIM...

I asked her if this was so and she said yes..I heard her talking about our son..to this guy.. I asked her if he knew she was married and has a child and she said yes.....

I am so screwed, I feel helpless and worthless.....

I asked her about the apartment she was going to see and how she planned to pay for it...she wants to get a job but she plans to go to welfare...

I am so screwed financially, I have a house with no equity and 45K debt...
I am make about 3K a month but my expenses are 2k...
Child support is 635 + possible alomony leaves me broke

We agreed on 400 for child support and no alimony but when she goes to welfare they will be coming after me for full amout

I live in Ontario no fault divorce so my wife can have an affair and because she has a child I have to pay .....its so unfair 
Even the fact that we will each have the child for a week I still have to pay because she doesn't have a job or education...

I have an apt with a lawyer but thats still 12 days away.....
If I had cash I could probably get a lawyer faster,but I went to one and 4K retainer
Called legal aid but don't qualify because I make to much....
I have about 150$ in the bank....

I am at my ropes end....


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## MrQuatto (Jul 7, 2010)

1st off, you need to set up a separate bank account for your money and make sure there is nothing left for her to take when she leaves. 

Tell her you are going to cancel any insurance you have her on as she is leaving. Also ensure that you separate her bills and tell her she is to start paying them all now, you no longer will support her financially while you are separated. 

Cancel any internet, cell phones and credit cards that are in your name that she has. 

She needs a true wake up call and you need to start protecting your assets NOW!


Also, do NOT wait any longer. Hire a divorce lawyer and start your plan or you will be left with ALL the debt and half your assets, including any retirement you have saved at home or work. 

I am telling you man, you are about to be raked over the coals.

Q~


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I won't associate with her until OM is out of the picture.

Granted you will get love point but they will only be half to nill of what they should be worth.

To get love points get full value by waiting for her to break up with her boy friend.

Why date your wife when she is only half @ss interested. you know there is someone out there that would be fully interested in you. It would be nice to date some one that was interested in some kind of investment in a honest relationship.

I mean don't you think your second choice? Even if she breaks it off with her boyfriend isn't the fact that she betrayed you and seperated under false pretences just a little "unfriendly"?

You don't have to be a jerk but she is moving on and stringing you on so that if she falls on her face you can pick her up, b/c no one else will, but she still thinks some one out there will. Its all about sex for the OM in the states, that just how we are LOL, seriously she's going to get used and you mostlikely will be there for her.

So I suggest you distance your self for now and give her the perseption that you will not be friends as long as she is behaving like she is.

There could be so much more out there, but you will be stuck in the friend zone, while your wife goes and enjoyes her fun time. You should go get your own fun time, like I said, just for now....see what happens with some distance from your end.

The OM influence will never allow you to get full value with any love points you are trying to get.


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## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

wowaffair said:


> She told me she was asking why I wanted to do these things as this would prolong the suffering.....



She's gone. It's hard, I know, but be strong for your son.



wowaffair said:


> I heard her talking about our son..to this guy.. I asked her if he knew she was married and has a child and she said yes.....




She's deliberately trying to hurt you. Like Jar's wife with the lingerie viewing on the net for OM.




wowaffair said:


> I am so screwed, I feel helpless and worthless.....



That's what happens with affairs. Lives, families are wrecked due to selfishness. But, say this to yourself; I will get through this. Say it frequently. 

It sucks and it's the hardest thing you'll ever do but, tell yourself in moments of self doubt that you can and you will make it. You have your son as your motivation. Be strong.

The OM and DS are destroying and wrecking your life and that of your son. That's why cheaters are loathed. They wreck homes, people, damage children's lives and cause financial havoc. As other ppl have said on here, don't tread lighty with wifey. She probably needs some shock and awe treatment. Hard, sharp actions to waken her up out of the fantasy, the fog. 




wowaffair said:


> I am so screwed financially, I have a house with no equity and 45K debt...
> I am make about 3K a month but my expenses are 2k...
> Child support is 635 + possible alomony leaves me broke.


A good adviser or broker might see a way out for you. It might be difficult with no equity in the house but you have an income and a good financial adviser might see something, you can't see.



wowaffair said:


> We agreed on 400 for child support and no alimony but when she goes to welfare they will be coming after me for full amout.



Why agree on 400? And why wait for Welfare to go after you why not contact them and explain your plight. Welfare should understand and see you are being responsible and it looks better you being proactive as opposed to being retroactive. Is there an organisation that can mediate on a fair amount given your personal circumstances? 



wowaffair said:


> I live in Ontario no fault divorce so my wife can have an affair and because she has a child I have to pay .....its so unfair Even the fact that we will each have the child for a week I still have to pay because she doesn't have a job or education...


Well, a child needs to be supported but she needs to get a job and support her child too with daycare needs. Look at this. It may help.
Divorce Laws in Ontario | eHow.com





wowaffair said:


> I have an apt with a lawyer but thats still 12 days away.....
> If I had cash I could probably get a lawyer faster,but I went to one and 4K retainer
> Called legal aid but don't qualify because I make to much....
> I have about 150$ in the bank....



It seems ridiculous to base a decision on your earnings as opposed to disposable income. With debt and alimony you don't have much left. Take a note of ALL your income in and ALL outgoings, include incidentals too. Make up a balance sheet and then approach several attorneys offering a legal aid service, not just a few. 

Email your balance sheet to a number of them offering a legal aid service with a brief outline of your situation. Don't be despondent if some say 'no can do'. Frankly, a lot of them aren't worth their over the top fees, but you might hit lucky and get one charging reasonable fees and have a good rapport with him or her and that's even better . The recession is hurting and affecting these professions too! Treat it like a Tender that has gone out for your business!




wowaffair said:


> I am at my ropes end....




At the moment it feels hopeless, but you will get through this....for YOUR SON and for YOU! 

As for wayward wifey, start to get tough. She wants to find work, let her. She is in fantasy land and it ain't easy. She'll find out sooner or later the reality of making it on her own.

What about her taking on 50% of the 45,000 debt? Could be a good move to encourage her to get a job. 

Find an advocacy group to help you navigate through all the ins and out of the Welfare system. Be proactive not retroactive.
Canada divorce support Groups, Directory - Ontario, Canadian Equal Parenting Groups, divorce support groups,
Welcome to Everyman, Links


It's hard but be strong for your son. Read "Let them go thread" it may be your best shot to save your marriage. Good luck. Let us know how you get on.


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## wowaffair (May 4, 2011)

Thank you for all the replies
I have an apt with a lawyer coming up

I still want my wife back and love her and my son dearly

I have not been calling her, I do call to speak to my son when he is with her...
This week my son is with her and its hard to sit in my empty house...

Here's my question..
Do I wait for her to come to me or in a month or so or every month try to make contact with her and ask her if her feelings have changed...and if she wants to try to save our marriage?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

You need to accept the fact that your wife has already emotionally detached from you since she moved out. It does no good to chase after her, to try to woo her, to try to be the better man, to try to compete with her fantasy OM.

I browse quite a few OW/OM forums to get a feel for the cheater mindset. When a cheater has an affair, they totally block out their spouse. To them, their spouse is just the H, or the W. They have emotionally detached from their spouse. Their affair partner becomes their whole world. When they see that their spouse tries to woo them, to court them, to chase them, they look at their spouse with CONTEMPT. A common quote that I read in their forums is "too little, too late". Browse a few OW forums if you don't believe me. See for yourself.

You need to heal yourself and that means doing the 180. Asking her if he feelings have changed only makes you look pathetic and needy in her eyes. That is not attractive. She cannot respect that. You need to detach from her and strengthen yourself. You need to file for divorce from her, you can cancel it or put it on hold if she becomes remorseful and repentent. You said she has no job and no education. Let her find out for real if her fantasy man is willing to support her and take on a child. Perhaps that will pop her fantasy bubble and bring her out of the affair fog. More than likely, OM is married or has a girlfriend. Very few will leave their spouse for someone they meet on the internet. You need to know if OM will throw her under the bus and kick her to the curb. 

Follow the great advice others have given you in this thread. Otherwise, you will continue to look weak and pathetic and continue to live in limbo.


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## Forgiveness (Mar 9, 2011)

F-102 said:


> I know WOW people(I am not one, but I know people, including family members who are), and they all seem to be the same: they either have dead-end lives, extremely low self esteem or they live in their mother's basement.


Stero type of a WOW player. My husband and I both play WOW. We both have full time jobs. Neither of us have low self esteem, and we own a house. LOL so not all WOW players fit into this stero type. We just recently started a backyard project and its going wonderful. We play WOW mostly at night instead of turning on the TV to watch mindless sitcoms. Now I am not saying we do not watch TV because we do. We also play this game as one of our many past times. 

Sorry wowaffiar didnt mean to interrupt your post. I am very sorry to see you are going through this. 

You need to take care of you and your son. I have been reading a lot from others going through this on these forums and the thing they talk most about is the 180. I am not sure exactly how to find out about it, but I am sure others in here do. That seems to help them a lot.


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## wowaffair (May 4, 2011)

When we met for most of our marriage we also played WoW together...but after the child came and with work I just didn't have time for it...
I realize now that this is and was my wife's only source of contact with the outside world as she has withdrawn from all her friends and even family...


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Hey I screwed over my wife..she cheated..it doesn't make it right!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Non of it Does 
Its a shame things happen the way they do, but sometimes you count on your moral compass to make right choice in life. 
Its weakness in them selves that let then deside to cheat on you and them selves.

My wife could have been a lone in the north pole and she would have slept with abombmanoble snow man..while me frosty the snow man neglegted her.

No one or one thing is to blame here except for her dicisions and choices she made


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## wowaffair (May 4, 2011)

Well my wife called me today and she is sick and asked me if I could take care of my son..

When I had him last week he was sick and me to but I didn't call my wife..

I wasn't sure if I should say no to let her see how hard it is to take care of a child on your own when you are sick, but I caved and went and picked up my son..

I thought it would be in the best interest for my son to make sure he was being properly cared for.....

Did I do the right thing?


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## wowaffair (May 4, 2011)

Well it's been just over a month since my wife said that she thinks she wants a divorce, that she doesn't love me any more and I found out about the EA..

She has moved out to her grandmothers..

I found it strange that she left her wedding bands, engagement ring and all her jewelry that I have bought her over the years.
She also left her wedding dress...

I have been trying to give my wife some space and do not call her unless its her week with my son so I can speak to him..

I tried again to talk to her a few days ago and asked if she was still talking to the OM, she didn't answer. I asked her "don;t you have any guilt" and that she is not showing any emotion.
She said that she has emotion and basically backed away. So I stopped as I do not want to push her farther away. But it had been a while since we talked so I wanted to she if she has cooled off a bit...

She should soon have her passport

This week I have my son, and its great to have him with me.
But I feel like I am in limbo.
I really want to work things out with my wife but have been making plans to move forward. I see the lawyer tomorrow...

This is killing me I just can't envision a life without her..
It's killing me that she won't even try...

I am exercising and going for walks to help deal with the stress and have cut coffee out and switched to chamomile tea but it's still not enough...

My wife is a very passive person and non-confrontational she, would rather sit on her feelings to avoid confrontation...

I have considered telling her that I don't need this in my life and that she is free to go but I really think this will just close the door and I am trying to keep the door open...

I have told her how much this is hurting me and our families and how complicated this will make our child's life..

I am thinking, If I just give her space, will she come back to me?
Or don't I have to do something more...

What sign would tell me that she is willing to try and work to save our marriage?

Sorry about the length, but writing her on this forum and the replies really do help me! Thank you for all the support.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

wowaffair said:


> I found it strange that she left her wedding bands, engagement ring and all her jewelry that I have bought her over the years.
> She also left her wedding dress...


Not unusual, she doesn’t want reminders making her feel guilty. Box it up and put them out of sight. Put your ring in there also.


> I tried again to talk to her a few days ago and asked if she was still talking to the OM, she didn't answer.


That means yes.


> She said that she has emotion and basically backed away. So I stopped as I do not want to push her farther away. But it had been a while since we talked so I wanted to see if she has cooled off a bit...


You’ll know when she is ready when she approaches you to talk, not a minute sooner.



> I really want to work things out with my wife but have been making plans to move forward. I see the lawyer tomorrow...


This is good.


> This is killing me I just can't envision a life without her..
> It's killing me that she won't even try...


You are fighting reality and it hurts. Once you accept your situation things will feel much better.
She is doing what she thinks is right for her. She has to learn the hard way on whether or not it’s really the right thing. She won’t try right now because she doesn’t want to.



> I am exercising and going for walks to help deal with the stress and have cut coffee out and switched to chamomile tea but it's still not enough..


Keep doing it, it takes time for your brain to adjust to the new reality. 



> I have considered telling her that I don't need this in my life and that she is free to go but I really think this will just close the door and I am trying to keep the door open...


Don’t worry about leaving the door open, when they want to come back they will bang it down to get to you. Letting them know the door is open just gives them a safety net to continue doing other things knowing you will be there if they fail. 



> I have told her how much this is hurting me and our families and how complicated this will make our child's life..


Your feelings are irrelevant to her right now and she sees you bring up the kid as a manipulation tactic. She’s in LaLa land and is in denial about the effect she is having on everyone. Her feelings are the only thing that matters to her right now.



> I am thinking, If I just give her space, will she come back to me?
> Or don't I have to do something more...


There nothing else you can do. Any attempt to stop her will backfire. If anything you should try reverse psychology and act the opposite of what she expects you to do. Act like you want the divorce more than her.



> What sign would tell me that she is willing to try and work to save our marriage?


 When she comes to you and says just that, usually crying and apologetic. 

The more you “try” to save your marriage, the more you will fail. They don’t come back until they think you are over them and have moved on. The more you show you care, the more repelled she will be. The only way to draw her back is to run away. 180 hard and YOU stop show emotion and YOU stop trying. No more Mr. Nice Guy.


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## wowaffair (May 4, 2011)

Last night my dog died in my lap it crushed me, I buried him last night...
He at least was my only companion now at home and loved me unconditionally...
Its very hard now at home all alone....

I took my son and wife to where he was buried and said a few words and a goodbye and she didn;t even shed a tear...


I tried again, my wife agreed to spend some time with me..and my son
I asked her if she was willing to work on our marriage and she said NO
I saw her texting on her new phone to the OM
I told her that she can't work on our relationship while she is still in another....

I again asked her if she wanted to go to marriage counciling and she said no I asked her why and she said she doesn;t want to..

Thats it I am at my breaking point..

When I got home I called her and told her that I thought about this for a long time and I don;t need this in my life.
I deserve someone who doesn't lie, cheat and can focus on me.. and that I am moving on!

She said ok...


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

Why would YOU want to keep it. Tell her, "This isn't mine either- I DON'T WANT IT! What a *****!


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## wowaffair (May 4, 2011)

"When I got home I called her and told her that I thought about this for a long time and I don;t need this in my life.
I deserve someone who doesn't lie, cheat and can focus on me.. and that I am moving on!"

I feel like I made the wrong decision telling her this...


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Your wife---isn't having to face reality---she is still in her fantasy world---

Leave her alone---she HAS TO HIT ROCK BOTTOM, BEFORE SHE WILL WAKE UP TO THE FACT, THAT SHE IS WRECKING HER OWN LIFE

Stop doing things for her---such as taking your son, when she was sick---If you were D---you wouldn't take your son---he is her responsibility, when she has him---and short of abuse, to your son---stay out of it---she needs to deal with life, w/out your running to help her!!!!

When she sees the grass is not greener, but a dirty shade of brown---she will be back

You can't stop her from going to NC-----but let her know if she goes, to not come back---for I am willing to bet, the won't just play computer games, and she will be a physically tainted woman---which makes things even worse

Just make it plain---you will take her back now, to work, on the mge---if she won't come back---then move on, and end it---that seems to be what she wants---give it to her

One thing for sure---put all money in an acct, with your name only on it---cancel all CC's---do not finance their Affair


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## Cypress (May 26, 2011)

Try to find out who the OM is. If he is in the military (there are a lot of military bases in NC) his command will prosecute him. If he is married, his wife will try to stop him. You may need to hire a PI in NC. Or, if you can get the phone number your wife is calling, you can use intelius to find out who he is. You could call him and tell him your wife is married and you have a child. If he has any morals at all he will break it off. Don't let your wife take your son out of Canada.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

wowaffair said:


> "When I got home I called her and told her that I thought about this for a long time and I don;t need this in my life.
> I deserve someone who doesn't lie, cheat and can focus on me.. and that I am moving on!"
> 
> I feel like I made the wrong decision telling her this...


Why, she didn't give you a choice. She was only humoring you when she hinted at wanting to try but the reality is that she had no intentions to. You said the right thing and now you have to stick by it. If you backpedal you will look really weak and give her that much more justification to leave you. 

She doesn't respect you because you don't respect yourself. There can be no love without respect. You are door matting and trying to plead with someone that just spits in your face. 

You desperately need to change tactics and stop looking....desperate.

Stop talking to her, no questions, not pleading, no pressuring her to work on the marriage. Tell her to just go and don't look back. IF there's a snowballs chance in hell that she will come back it has to be on her own accord without you pressuring her. The more it looks like you've moved on, the more motivated she will be to try again.

You also need to work on getting more angry. Anger can help keep you from making mistakes that make you look weak.


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## wowaffair (May 4, 2011)

Here's an update...

I have stopped calling her and last week she called me asking to go do something this past Sat. I asked her why and she told me I don't know!

I explained to her that it's taken me this long to start functioning again, I went back to work etc...

I told her that I don't need this in my life and that she has to make a decision what she wants....

She said fine and that we don't have to do anything...
But this was the first time that she called me and asked to spend time with me...

I let things sit until Sat and then I called her and she asked me to go out for a coffee later this week...

Mon I went for a coffee and we talked, I told her that I still have feelings for her, but I can't live like this. I told her what I wanted for her to move back in, end her relationship and for us to go to counciling.. Then I asked her what she wanted and she again says I don't know...

I told her that this cannot continue and I gave her until the 19th to makeup her mind what she wants to do its been 2 months now, 2.5 months is a long time...to go through this HELL

I said after this I don't want to see or speak to her again, unless its related to our son or financial and that I don't want to be her friend I can't go from husband to friend..but we can have a friendly conversation if its about my son....

Also I went out on a date this weekend, not really a date but just hanging out with someone female other than my wife....
I was wondering if I should have told my wife?

I am almost to the point of no return, but still love my wife and will give it this final effort...


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I think you did great. She couldn't commit so move on.

No don't tell your wife, in your own words you only want to talk to her about your son and money.

Until she NC the OM then stick to your boundries, the ball is in her court and it has a dead line. So keep it business like.

What do think, just b/c you have a new chick she'll come running back? Ya she will but OM will still be in her back pocket, so why bother!

Bottom line she has to want the marriage, not b/c of jealousy, but b/c she made a promise and took a vow infront of others...that she would love you for better or worse.

Stay the curse...I mean course. she has not made a commitment.

It pisses me off when they try to manage us just so they feel better.

Again you saw through it, you called it and you are doing the right thing.....until she can commit ........right on!


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

I get a feeling that if he tells her about the "date", she'll have a royal kimchi fit!


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## justkate (May 31, 2011)

no that isn't a wrong decision - you told her the truth! i told my husband the same thing. i also said that i was not going to continue telling him that i loved him when i know that he is still with his g/f and also that i didn't want him telling me he loved me. 

it is not easy to take this stance but i have to stand up for myself and you need to stanp up to her and it is true that we both deserve better and we will not accept any less.

not only do i have to consider my feelings but i'm now going to be a single mum of three boys and this behaviour of their father's is not what i want them growing up with and thinking is acceptable. so keep in mind how you want your son to grow up, you must be strong for him and for yourself. this will be your line in the sand.

as for your time with the other lady, don't bother telling her as she will then take it that you've cheated as well and then try to say you're no better than her. she will twist it into something more than what it was. 

stay strong!


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## wowaffair (May 4, 2011)

Here's an update***

Wow something unbelievable and unexpected happened today!
I spoke to my wife and she said that she wants to work on our relationship and that she misses me...

We are going out in a few days to discuss it more. I am somewhat skeptical, but at least its a step in the right direction....

Will post an update when I know more...:smthumbup:


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

Walk that fine line my friend. Don't look too eager when you see her. 

I'd see exactly what she wants first. I'd make sure she just was not using you to string you along for financial support. 

Make sure you have your list of what it will take to reconcile. 

At a minimum:
Transparency into her life. Cell phones, emails etc. 
Quit WOW. (Might be a deal breaker. It is not impossible to break the addiction. I'm living proof)
Counseling for you both along the lines of what you might find at Marriage Builders.com

You fill in the blanks from there. She needs to tell you what she is going to do to regain your trust. 

Good luck brother. WOW is a hard addiction to break. I went cold turkey after playing for close to 3 years. I almost lost my family in the process.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Powerbane said:


> Walk that fine line my friend. Don't look too eager when you see her.
> 
> I'd see exactly what she wants first. I'd make sure she just was not using you to string you along for financial support.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Listen to that great advice wow. I know you're hurt and still in the intial stages after DDay. You WANT to grab at anything that resembles hope. You have to resist this. The biggest mistake many people do is to R with a WS that is not fully committed and is merely sitting on the fence. This ONLY LEADS TO FALSE R. 

While you are still vulnerable, it would be better not to meet her in person for something like this. Communication via email is better, and it documents everything.


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## msmith (Jun 7, 2011)

You said that both of you play WOW. How serious? I don't mean to barge into your family life. But you have a two year old whose formative years are from 0-5 years. Once he gets into kindergarden where he spends hours away from the parents, his perception on values will be influenced gradually by his peers.

I used to play computer games so much that I totally ignored my wife and kids. Good thing that my wife picked up the burden to raise the kids by herself while I put very little input in the family thing. My kids are pretty good nowaday, credit to God's grace and my wife's hard work. But she often brings my past up to point out how disappointing I was as a father.


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## wowaffair (May 4, 2011)

When we first met years ago we both used to play the is before we got married..., She just started playing in last 6 months or so when I was home with my son or if he was sleeping...


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## wowaffair (May 4, 2011)

My wife and I are going to go for a walk tomorrow night and coffee later to talk about things...

We are also suppose to go for dinner on Sat night....
Since I will be away the next week I was thinking of asking her to move back in with me if she is willing..as it would be easier to talk and work on things if we are in the same house...

I don't expect things to be intimate for a while, but maybe just holding hands and spending some time together might does us some good?

I am looking into counciling also...

I stopped playing Wow a few years ago, I got bored and really didn't have the time...
She also stopped playing for about 2 years as she was busy with the baby...

Great Advice, I really appreciate all the responses!


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Do not let her move in until she agrees to all the marriage requirements, you set the boundaries and terms for her return , you do not want to be one of the many who go through a false recovery.

No doormat behaviour on your side, why would you ask her to move back in it is for her to ask you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

wowaffair said:


> We are also suppose to go for dinner on Sat night....
> Since I will be away the next week I was thinking of asking her to move back in with me if she is willing..as it would be easier to talk and work on things if we are in the same house...


Asking her to move back in? If she is willing? Looks like you are grabbing at straws and looking needy in her eyes. Oh well, it's your risk to take. I suppose you have your requirements for R.



wowaffair said:


> Great Advice, I really appreciate all the responses!


IMHO, you're more than likely going to end up in False R, but oh well. Lets see how this plays out.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

wowaffair said:


> Since I will be away the next week I was thinking of asking her to move back in with me if she is willing..as it would be easier to talk and work on things if we are in the same house...


That would be a BAD idea, even if she agrees it will make you look pathetic and weak.

Wait and let her ask you, that way you know she is on the same page as you and then be reluctant when she does. Make her earn her way back or else you will be setting yourself up for a false R.

Be patient, she isn't going anywhere and the more she thinks she might lose you the more she will want you.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Don't let her back! Not yet! Big mistake. You will look needy, and a doormat. She needs to earn her right for your love again! Take this time to work on yourself. Get some alpha male traights in there. Define boundaries in your life.

Letting her in too early is like giving her a get out of jail free card.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wowaffair (May 4, 2011)

Hmm, you guys have some really interesting thoughts...

When I last spoke to my wife, I had told her again what my requirements are...

But I plan to discuss them again with her tonight and try to get a better understanding of where she is at...

I think I will hold off on asking her back, until I am more sure that she is willing to meet the requirements


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## msmith (Jun 7, 2011)

You could take her out for a date. Treat her just you two once dated before the marriage. Be civil, be polite, stay away from pointing fingers. Thru small talks you may discover if the marriage is workable or not.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

wowaffair said:


> Hmm, you guys have some really interesting thoughts...


Well thats because just about everyone here has been in your shoes at one time or another. This isn't just some random opinion forum on the internet. All of us have been through it and learned a few things, especially when it comes to things we could have done better. 

You're fortunate to have found this forum so soon after DDay and have the benefit of discussing this with those who have been through this hell. Me, I wasn't so lucky. I didn't actually decide to look for these kinds of forums until months later after DDay. I only had a friend to confide in, one who hadn't been through this, and though it wasn't his fault, he gave me all the wrong advice. Such as when I first found out about my WWs secret facebook account. I went to pieces. He advised me to confront her right away, even though I hadn't even gotten enough evidence, done any other investigation. I didn't even know about keyloggers and VARs. I thought keyloggers were just viruses and malware. I didn't know that there are legitimate computer monitoring software. So I got the denial, I was gaslighted, I got the trickle truth. It allowed her to sanitize the secret account. I didn't find out everything until months later. And you know how I acted right after DDay? I cried, I begged, I pleaded. I was pathetic and I'm sure I looked pathetic, undesirable and weak to her.

Then I started searching the web, finding sites like these and others. Found out my situation wasnt unique at all. Read thousands of personal stories. Found out what I did wrong and corrected them. Amassed a wealth of knowledge, and knowledge is POWER. It gives you the power to change your situation and make things better. 

So take advantage of what people are saying. It doesn't cost a thing.


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