# Need answers from WWs



## badkarma2013 (Nov 9, 2013)

Need Answers form WWs
I have read both books ...Womens Infidelity...if found them quite enlighting... 


After my D ...did a lot of searching and research ....


My question to WWs does this apply ( if you've read the books). or can you see yourself in the below quote.. I mean this in no way to appear sexist...only searching for True answers.




“Most women go through life looking for love, and looking for someone to treat them like a queen. For some women finding real love seems to be something that will never happen. I believe that finding love is not as hard as people make it seem. The reason that some women can't find real love is because they look for more than just real love. A lot of women know what they need in a relationship, and thats for a man to love that woman with all of his heart, and to treat her real good. Most women have guys in their life or guys that try to get with them that could really love them and treat them real good. Those are usually the guys that get forced into that friend zone or rejected upfront. See those guys could give them what they need, but not what they want. “Wants” can be anything from a woman wanting a man to have certain materialistic things, or she could want him to look a certain way, those are a few examples of the things that some of them want, but they vary depending on the female. What some females don't understand is that none of the things that they want has anything with love or how that person will treat you. You could find a man that looks perfect, has a house and car, he can be a college graduate with a good job, and you could still end up being with a person that doesn't truly love you, and will treat you like ****. What I am trying to say is that the person who could treat you good and really love you could already be in your life, but you could have been blinded by the things you want in a man so you overlooked the person that you were really looking for. And by the way there are men that do the same thing; I just wanted to be clear on that.” 
―
Taïsen Deshimaru


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## Wolf9 (Apr 27, 2014)

> You could find a man that looks perfect, has a house and car, he can be a college graduate with a good job, and you could still end up being with a person that doesn't truly love you, and will treat you like ****.
> 
> What I am trying to say is that the person who could treat you good and really love you could already be in your life, but you could have been blinded by the things you want in a man so you overlooked the person that you were really looking for. And by the way there are men that do the same thing; I just wanted to be clear on that.”


I think basic mating psychology for females makes them to choose wealthy, high status, highly desirable man even at expense of being in Polygamous relationship for better racial gene pool (These men are best suited of survival of fittest in human evolution) for their kids.
So if person who could treat you good and really love you is less viable option than co-wife(doormat) of a wealthy, high status, highly desirable man

http://psychologytoday.com/blog/darwin-eternity/201108/are-people-naturally-polygamous



> But if you're a woman whose co-wife has been impregnated by your shared husband, you can still get pregnant right away. You'll have to share your husband's parental investment with your co-wife, but at least you'll be able to reproduce. And being the co-wife of a wealthy, high status, highly desirable man may well be a better option for you than being the only wife of a less impressive husband. Although some Westerners will wonder why any woman would choose to marry polygynously rather than monogamously, many women cross-culturally nevertheless do choose to do just that.


Here Polygamous relationship can be compared to loveless marriage with wealthy man who cheats around.


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## Aerith (May 17, 2013)

badkarma2013 said:


> Need Answers form WWs
> I have read both books ...Womens Infidelity...if found them quite enlighting...
> 
> 
> ...


Why do you think only WWs are searching for love? :scratchhead: 

Pretty much the whole paragraph is saying "don't judge a book by its cover" :lol:

I believe that relationship is always two-way street - if only 1 person loves, them it's not going to work. If a man loves a woman - and she just allows him to love her - be prepared for big troubles.

Regarding exclusion from potential candidates pool. Yes, that happens. Probably most of people have some preferences in terms what they like or want to see/have in their life partner.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

I think this is basically a true statement.

I've said for years that many women, especially when young, are 'bum magnets'. If there's a bum within 50 miles, that's the one they want.

Somehow, women convince themselves they can change these guys...mold them to become what they desire.

I think it may be a pale reflection of the mothering instinct...a desire to mold a person into a better individual, as most mothers do with their kids.

It does ignore one important truth though IMO.

I believe that people can only truly change for THEMSELVES, not for others. They have to want to be different.

My whole life, I have seen people promise to change their habits and behaviors for their spouses, their children, etc.

I have yet to see one succeed.

But I have seen people change who want to do it for themselves...because THEY want to be a better person.

So, when women choose the 'bad boy' or bum, thinking that their love will allow them to change that person, they are setting themselves up for failure usually.

Unless the guy has some epiphany, and wants to become a better person himself, they will be disappointed. This CAN happen...maybe his love for her will inspire him to want to change.

But lets face it, most guys who are 'bad boys' or lazy and unmotivated are selfish p****s, unlikely to change for anyone.

I know this is anecdotal, but in over 20 years of teaching high school and community college, I have seen this pattern repeated endless times.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Marriage:

A relationship where the wife hopes he'll change, but doesn't...

...and where the husband hopes she will never change, but does.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Re-marrying:

Where hope wins out over experience...


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Pessimist:

...an experienced optimist.


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## badkarma2013 (Nov 9, 2013)

to Aerith.. 

In the books i read a huge percentage of women want a certain type of man...marriage ...children....get all of this and the house with the white picket fence...everything they thought they wanted...then become UNHAPPY and commit infidelity...blaming their husband for their unhappiness ....the HUSBANDS never see this coming.... 

having an affair is not looking for love.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

So this thread is entitled "Need answers from WWs". Following this pattern, will your next thread be entitled "Need blood from stones"?


Good luck, you're clearly an optimist.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Men will always be attracted to young women. It is a built in instinctual desire. However, it is not socially acceptable for 32-year-old guys with money to date 17-year-old girls to get laid.

Women desire the alpha male who settles down because they fall in love with her (see her inner qualities over all other women). Most women compromise in LTR SO because one a few women can marry the limited number alpha males. 

Bums have the alpha hubris without the alpha results. Some nice guys are actually more alpha but they are pvssy whipped.


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## Aerith (May 17, 2013)

badkarma2013 said:


> to Aerith..
> 
> In the books i read a huge percentage of women want a certain type of man...marriage ...children....get all of this and the house with the white picket fence...everything they thought they wanted...then become UNHAPPY and commit infidelity...blaming their husband for their unhappiness ....the HUSBANDS never see this coming....
> 
> having an affair is not looking for love.


Look, married men have affairs probably more often than married women. And wives often never saw it coming too. 

In my mind, the quota from the book in your post more referred to dating period - why women reject some good guys who love them romantically...

I never said - go, get married and then go and search for love and have an affair... You apply it to WW only - and my point it's much wider.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

There are lots of people of both genders that overlook good mates in favor of harder to attain standards. For every woman that overlooks a good guy there's a guy that overlooks a good woman because her t!ts and arse aren't up to par. I've found that very often the men that make these statements are doing so to justify 9's or 10's passing them over. I think a good rule of thumb is to make sure you're applying the same standards to a potential partner that you want applied to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Like many things in life, people find them exciting when they’re rewarded at random intervals. If they are always rewarded regardless of the effort or lack thereof, they find the activity boring. Hence the bad boy rewards the girl occasionally and randomly and she finds that exciting. The nice guy is constantly rewarding the gal no matter how she behaves and she finds him boring. You cannot be sexy and boring at the same time. Like men believe that women with ample breast, small waist and shapely butts make better mates and lovers, women feel the same about bad boys. Ask a young woman who would make a better mate and father, the bad boy or the nice guy. Women believe there's something sexy about a man who can't be manipulated and doesn't play by the rules and of course she can bring out the potential in him. Men by contrast, tend to like the "damsel in distress" and this site reveals what that gets them.
So BadKarma, she got bored with you and lost romantic interest. A bored woman is a woman looking for excitement. So that's your answer my man.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

LongWalk said:


> Men will always be attracted to young women. It is a built in instinctual desire. However, it is not socially acceptable for 32-year-old guys with money to date 17-year-old girls to get laid.


Tell that to Hefner. He'll laugh all the way to the bank.


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

It has nothing to do with any letter of the Greek alphabet. It has to do with escape.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

Sexy people don't necessarily possess the qualities of a good spouse, or good parent, or good person for that matter. Some do some don't. The ones that don't may nonetheless be "exciting" in certain ways. Their spouses to be will be drawn in by that, and may have some issues of their own.....such as being so shallow as to emphasaze the surface qualities of those around them at the expense of probing their inner qualities. 
Almost sounds like I'm blaming the future victim of the actions of a bad spouse. I'm not, unless of course the shoe fits......


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## badkarma2013 (Nov 9, 2013)

thepheonix said:


> like many things in life, people find them exciting when they’re rewarded at random intervals. If they are always rewarded regardless of the effort or lack thereof, they find the activity boring. Hence the bad boy rewards the girl occasionally and randomly and she finds that exciting. The nice guy is constantly rewarding the gal no matter how she behaves and she finds him boring. You cannot be sexy and boring at the same time. Like men believe that women with ample breast, small waist and shapely butts make better mates and lovers, women feel the same about bad boys. Ask a young woman who would make a better mate and father, the bad boy or the nice guy. Women believe there's something sexy about a man who can't be manipulated and doesn't play by the rules and of course she can bring out the potential in him. Men by contrast, tend to like the "damsel in distress" and this site reveals what that gets them.
> So badkarma, she got bored with you and lost romantic interest. A bored woman is a woman looking for excitement. So that's your answer my man.



is it really that simple....someone gets bored and we destroy everyone around us. Im bored so i think ill look for someone hot and chance ruining my life and my family... Really


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

badkarma2013 said:


> is it really that simple....someone gets bored and we destroy everyone around us. Im bored so i think ill look for someone hot and chance ruining my life and my family... Really


Not always that simple but sometimes. It can be an exit affair, it can be I missed out in life or many other reasons.

Most think they will never get caught.


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

FWIW, I was a WW. I read that paragraph and I didn't identify with it at all. It was nothing like that for me. I read it several times just to make sure I was actually getting the point. I wasn't looking for materialistic things, or a certain type of "look," or for more danger, fun, or excitement. In fact, I decided when my husband and I were 17 years old, and had just started dating, that he was the guy that I would marry one day. Three years later we did get married. He was the kind of guy that many women might have put into the "friend zone." He was truly a great guy. I adored him. To be honest, I probably put him on an unrealistic pedestal. He was nothing like the "jerks" I had dated before. He was a "good guy." Honestly, he was the only guy for me. I decided that I wanted that "good guy" for the rest of my life. 

So, why did I cheat 27 years later? Well, life had been pretty unkind to both of us for quite some time. We both fell into a clinical depression for several years. My husband's situation was exacerbated by, what was then, untreated low-Testosterone. The "nice guy," who had treated me extremely well, and with whom I was madly, deeply, and passionately in love with, was nowhere to be seen for an incredibly long time. He had been replaced by someone whom I grew angry and resentful towards. I couldn't bear the loneliness and the rejection any longer. I didn't need or want anyone else. I only wanted to get back the man whom I thought I had married. Less than two years BEFORE my affair began, I walked into my therapist's office and said, "I want to have an affair _with my husband_, please help me." Unfortunately, our relationship didn't progress as I had hoped. 

Obviously, my coping skills were lacking. I wanted my "nice guy" back. I thought he was gone forever. Eventually, I did have an affair...... sadly, it was with someone else. 

As of today, we are 23 months post D-Day. We have reconciled. We're happy. It wasn't quite that simple, but I think I've covered the question that you originally asked.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

badkarma2013 said:


> is it really that simple....someone gets bored and we destroy everyone around us. Im bored so i think ill look for someone hot and chance ruining my life and my family... Really


Like Jim said, so do, some don't some, will, some won't. What is really that simple is a typical women won't cheat if she has a high romantic interest in her mate. He provides everything she wants and she's not interested in anything else.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

I don't know. I'm not really feeling that paragraph at all. Its almost in a way saying that people should ignore chemistry just because someone happens to adore them. I think on TAM we sometimes place men in black and white categories. Just because a woman chooses one suitor over another it doesn't mean he is more of a bad boy. It just means she finds him more attractive. Sexual attraction matters to women too. From the way I read it the paragraph is asking women to remove it from the equation. 

Edit: One other thing, the whole treated like a queen part doesn't register with me either. This is very dangerous if its one sided. She can be my queen, but only if she's willing to treat me like a king.


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## badkarma2013 (Nov 9, 2013)

Edit: One other thing, the whole treated like a queen part doesn't register with me either. This is very dangerous if its one sided. She can be my queen, but only if she's willing to treat me like a king.



THIS...I TRULY BELIEVE!

Another question does anyone on here believe in the GOOD HUSBAND TRAP?

Again thanks to all for taking the time to respond.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

ReformedHubby said:


> Its almost in a way saying that people should ignore chemistry just because someone happens to adore them.
> She can be my queen, but only if she's willing to treat me like a king.


Women don't ignore "chemistry" because somebody adores them. They ignore outside chemistry when they adore you. How many times have you seen a woman know certain men for sometimes years but only to get together with them when her current relationship goes south. They found the guy attrative all along but didn't cross that line because of a high romantic interest in their mate. And there are a number of attributes about "bad boys" that women find attractive. (self confidence, self respect, exciting and unpredictable, a challenge)
Like my daughter said when she was dating, "dating a nice guys is like riding on a bus and dating bad boys is like riding in a fighter jet."
By contract the nice guy is usually taking the path of least resistance and willing to settle for less. (go along to get along) Women have nice guys eating out of their hand at the drop of a hat and they lose respect rather quickly.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

ThePheonix said:


> _How many times have you seen a woman know certain men for sometimes years but only to get together with them when her current relationship goes south. They found the guy attrative all along but didn't cross that line because of a high romantic interest in their mate._


Perhaps we are thinking the same thing, but I'm not so certain about this part. I can honestly say that I have only seen this occur in romantic comedies. Granted, I have seen women hook up with long time acquaintances but under those circumstances its someone they always liked but they never had the chance to date. In other words he was never second choice, he just wasn't available.


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## badkarma2013 (Nov 9, 2013)

ThePheonix said:


> Women don't ignore "chemistry" because somebody adores them. They ignore outside chemistry when they adore you. How many times have you seen a woman know certain men for sometimes years but only to get together with them when her current relationship goes south. They found the guy attrative all along but didn't cross that line because of a high romantic interest in their mate. And there are a number of attributes about "bad boys" that women find attractive. (self confidence, self respect, exciting and unpredictable, a challenge)
> Like my daughter said when she was dating, "dating a nice guys is like riding on a bus and dating bad boys is like riding in a fighter jet."
> By contract the nice guy is usually taking the path of least resistance and willing to settle for less. (go along to get along) Women have nice guys eating out of their hand at the drop of a hat and they lose respect rather quickly.


Your post have given me cause for much reflection...i didnt LIKE what you said but that does not make it any less true.

I asked my WW right before our divorce..How could you do this and Why.....Her response was...I had a NEED i didnt know existed and he found it....MUCH UGLIER at the time but you get the point....i asked WHY didnt you just tell me instead of all THE LIES DECEIT AND BETRYAL .....I didnt want to hurt you...OMFG ...BUT i think she wanted us both.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

badkarma2013 said:


> Your post have given me cause for much reflection...i didnt LIKE what you said but that does not make it any less true.
> 
> I asked my WW right before our divorce..How could you do this and Why.....Her response was...I had a NEED i didnt know existed and he found it....MUCH UGLIER at the time but you get the point....i asked WHY didnt you just tell me instead of all THE LIES DECEIT AND BETRYAL .....I didnt want to hurt you...OMFG ...BUT i think she wanted us both.


Sounds very familiar. You have pegged it.

The issue for many of them boils down to fear. They are selfish in the cheating sense, and they fear the consequences of doing it.

Good thread. The posts are insightful. I appreciate the WWs and/or WHs willing to share their feelings. It helps me realize many of the things that happened can 1) be prevented by improving myself, and 2) were simply not all my fault.

It is good to keep sharing these things because it is healing. Hope you are feeling better as you examine your soul and your experiences with your exWW. I hope anyone reading this also comes to the conclusion you can find better paths in your future.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"I wanted my "nice guy" back. I thought he was gone forever."

You truly were lucky with your spouse.

Many men, even 'nice guys', WOULD have been gone after their W gave their special relationship to someone else.

I happy for you that you were able to save your M.

It sounds like both of you have rediscovered a real appreciation for the things that truly matter in each other.


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

Dyokemm said:


> "I wanted my "nice guy" back. I thought he was gone forever."
> 
> *You truly were lucky with your spouse.*
> 
> ...


I've been absolutely blessed beyond measure. I will spend the rest of my life trying to make him feel as happy, as loved, as adored, as treasured, and as desired as I possibly can. I was right when I was 17. He really is the only man that I ever truly wanted, needed, loved, and had to have. I've endured many challenging circumstances in this lifetime. Thinking I had lost B1, long before my A began, is the ONLY challenge that broke me. Without his love, nothing really mattered, anymore. With his love, I feel like I can move mountains. That's what we're doing together. We're reconciling. We're moving mountains. It's blissful. I am so much more than lucky. I'm blessed.


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

EI said:


> I've been absolutely blessed beyond measure. I will spend the rest of my life trying to make him feel as happy, as loved, as adored, as treasured, and as desired as I possibly can. I was right when I was 17. He really is the only man that I ever truly wanted, needed, loved, and had to have. I've endured many challenging circumstances in this lifetime. Thinking I had lost B1, long before my A began, is the ONLY challenge that broke me. Without his love, nothing really mattered, anymore. With his love, I feel like I can move mountains. That's what we're doing together. We're reconciling. We're moving mountains. It's blissful. I am so much more than lucky. I'm blessed.


It is good to see your posts going from posts of hope to posts of promise. You both are back in control of your lives.

The only thing better than today is tomorrow.


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## sammy7111 (Apr 19, 2014)

because they want excitement


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