# 0 sympathy after plastic surgery



## cashybum (Aug 16, 2012)

The last time I've posted it was about how my husband shows me no affection (unless sex is likely) but is the most affectionate human being on the planet towards our son.He's hit a new low and I don't know what I can say to make him understand how unloved I feel. 

I had a nose job a few days ago that has been a life long dream of mine and before the surgery he made it clear that he has no sympathy for me because it's elective. I get the surgery done and it's way more pain than I anticipated and it's been a difficult recovery. I haven't seen him more than 15 seconds a handful of times since the surgery. He's brought me food a couple of times but that's about it and there was no love or concern about it. He hasn't asked me how I feeling or if there is anything he could do to make me feel better or "i hope you feel better soon" or anything showing an ounce of sympathy. When he spoke to me it was harsh and cold. Thank god for a mutual friend who has been here for me. He waited around while I was sleeping and got me stuff when I woke up. Hung out with me the little time I was awake and was just super sweet and helpful. This is the kind of guy friend that treats you like one of the guys: talks unbelievably bad about women, farts on you when you're eating, drinks all your beer... yet he was the one who got my doctor on the phone at 9pm when I felt like I was dieing from the worst nauseating migraine ever. It hurts so bad that my husband couldn't have been that guy. (


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## Aerith (May 17, 2013)

I understand your husband - you put yourself into physical suffering absolutely voluntary...
Regarding that "mutual" friend - I suspect he is not so mutual... Why he is staying with you again? Is he so sympathetic? 

How you would react if your husband would be in the hospital and other woman - "mutual friend" would stay with him?


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Aerith said:


> I understand your husband - you put yourself into physical suffering absolutely voluntary...
> 
> *Seriously? So what if it was voluntary? You're supposed to stand behind your partner. Whether it was voluntary or not, she still needs him and he's being a ****.*
> 
> ...


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Has he always been unsympathetic to you?


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

You had me at "life long dream..."

And I agree with alexm... I think Aerith missed the "sympathy" boat.

Apparently so did your husband. I think if I was in your shoes I would be freezing him out of the sex department for a long time... and rightfully so. 

But you have to own that you are married to an ass. I say that because it's the truth. Own it and then do something about it.

I hope your recovery improves and I am glad there is someone there for you.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Aerith said:


> I understand your husband - you put yourself into physical suffering absolutely voluntary...
> Regarding that "mutual" friend - I suspect he is not so mutual... Why he is staying with you again? Is he so sympathetic?
> 
> How you would react if your husband would be in the hospital and other woman - "mutual friend" would stay with him?


I am SO with you on this I had to like AND quote it. I can't BELIEVE everyone else is with the OP on this. 

Oh, and that male friend is NOT just a friend. Unless he is gay, he wants to bang you. OF that I have ZERO doubt.

ZERO!!


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

25 posts and I hit pay dirt on the first one:



cashybum said:


> A year and a half ago, we hit an all time low and didn't talk for a week. We basically separated but lived in the same (but large) house. I went out drinking with friends to blow off steam and ended up getting really drunk and made out with my best guy friend (who was also his best guy friend). The guy friend was a long time friend and whom I"M NOT ATTRACTED TO AT ALL.. I was sad, drunk and he was there. period.


Same guy friend that nursed you to health?

Your marriage is a mess. Want to make this the last straw to leave him? You have my permission. I'll speak for Aerith and give you her (his?) permission as well.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

If my wife had surgery, and had her boyfriend come over to tend to her, I would probably be a little cold and distant. At a minimum.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> If my wife had surgery, and had her boyfriend come over to tend to her, I would probably be a little cold and distant. At a minimum.


Yup.My husband would be so cold and distant he'd likely be filing divorce papers while I recovered.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

MrK said:


> I am SO with you on this I had to like AND quote it. I can't BELIEVE everyone else is with the OP on this.
> 
> Oh, and that male friend is NOT just a friend. Unless he is gay, he wants to bang you. OF that I have ZERO doubt.
> 
> ZERO!!


I get where you're coming from with this, but... 

I wouldn't like it if my wife had male friends like this, but not because I'd assume they want to bang her. (it could be true, it may not). I'd be uncomfortable that another man was doing my husbandly duties for me.

Look, I get where you're coming from with that statement, but it's not 100% truthful.

I have many female friends. I genuinely don't want to bang any of them. I'm friends with them because I LIKE them - as people, regardless of their sex. However, I understand the dynamics, especially with me being married, and with some of them being married or in relationships. I understand how I can't just pick up the phone and ask them if they want to hang out, like I would with my male friends. If I want to hang out with any of them, now, it usually has to involve my wife and their husband or boyfriend. But that doesn't mean that I don't occasionally hang out with a female friend without my wife, or their spouse. If my wife has other plans, or their spouse does, it doesn't mean I can only spend time with my male buddies.

I do understand your point, I really do. Bad stuff CAN happen when a husband or wife is spending time with people of the opposite sex. But we're not all that weak, nor is it a given that, because I enjoy the company of one of my female friends, that we're going to bang (or even that it's ever crossed my mind).

In OP's case, however, it's a little sketchy, I agree. When you put yourself in the shoes of somebody else's husband, it can be easy to cross that line in a hurry. 

Hubby shouldn't be allowing this other guy to be doing his job, regardless of whether he wants to or not. Other guy shouldn't be doing hubby's job, regardless of how good friends he is with OP. OP shouldn't be allowing Other Guy to take over the role of her husband.

There are boundaries being crossed here, but they aren't necessarily of the cheating/sexual variety. And Other Guy isn't necessarily doing this because he wants to bang OP. He could be, but it's besides the point. She's not asking about that.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Your husbands an *******. 

Some guy shouldn't be nursing you. However your husband should ave been. I don't assume he wants to sleep with you or you him. I do think it's in appropriate, however so is your husband. 

I would get counselling and start looking out for yourself more in preparation to move on if your husband doesn't wake up.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

ScarletBegonias said:


> Yup.My husband would be so cold and distant he'd likely be filing divorce papers while I recovered.


This was my first thought, and I should have put it in my first response, but decided against it.

It's entirely possible that this other guy had already volunteered to help out pre-surgery, and that hubby is acting cold BECAUSE of this. Perhaps he even spoke out about this, and OP insisted.

If this is the case, I'd be in hubby's shoes, too. I wouldn't want to share my wife in this way.

There are so many boundaries being crossed here...


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

maybe he liked your nose just the way it was and is worring about it turning out worse then before surgery.

if you pushed for this and he wasn't on board for what ever reason you should have waited until things were settled before having the surgery.

you made out with his best friend!!!!!!

why is your husband even letting this scum bag around you he should have kicked his a$$.



I would have no sympathy for a woman like you either. hey honey after making out with your best friend I think I'll get that nose job I've been thinking about and I don't care what you think or feeling or the cost.

wow this is much worse than I thought will you nurse me back to health. NOT!


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

If your husband isn't with you and supporting you through this what is he doing? That would be my big question what is more important to him than me. 

If he couldn't make time for me and a friend did I would accept the friends help even if he was wanting in my pants.

I don't care if it is elective surgery he should still be there for you and sympathize with you.


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

alexm said:


> This was my first thought, and I should have put it in my first response, but decided against it.
> 
> It's entirely possible that this other guy had already volunteered to help out pre-surgery, and that hubby is acting cold BECAUSE of this. Perhaps he even spoke out about this, and OP insisted.
> 
> ...


I'm wondering if he isn't already having an affair. Wonder which one started it first.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

And another cheating wife is born!!!!!


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

OP, what has been done to repair your marriage from previous times.

I'm not going to pass judgement because I don't know all of the details. But it sounds like your marriage is hanging on by a thread.

The issue with the friend who you kissed...was it this same guy? Is the friend you kissed still in the picture?

You call him a hypocritical a$$ and yourself a *****, I can only imagine what the dynamics are like in your relationship. And you want to complain about him being unsympathetic to you.

It sounds like you have much deeper issues. Have you two done any counseling...make sure the counselor addresses infidelity.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

all bc she was drunk and sad and he was there.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Thebes said:


> I'm wondering if he isn't already having an affair. Wonder which one started it first.


I love how we jump to a conclusion (or a hypothesis) that spouses of OPs are having affairs when the OPs themselves lay out some pretty shabby behaviors.

The OPs in these situations couldn't be a bigger part of the problem and their spouses are acting in a reactionary way. If the OP's husband was having an affair...why would he even bother her for sex?

Here's what we know.
1. The OP doesn't like some of her husband's behaviors and has called herself a ***** so one would think that her husband is MORE than aware of how she feels about him
2. The OP "made out" with the husband's friend. What does "made out" entail...who knows?
3. It sounds like, aside from an initial blow up, this "make out" session was swept under the rug
4. A wife who already had a history of poor boundaries is showing another by having a male friend be a nursemaid. Calling a doctor at 9pm....why is a guy at her house that late when the husband works at night.....

Damn it...now I've fallen into judgement mode...LOL


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

Right. Let's talk about the hubby's poor behavior, and ignore the 100 lbs of elephant shyte sitting in the middle of the floor. 

The male friend living in the house thing...that's just F'd up, plain and simple.


MrK said:


> Oh, and that male friend is NOT just a friend. Unless he is gay, he wants to bang you. OF that I have ZERO doubt.


TRUTH, and it sounds like he's already headed down that path.


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

When you undergo surgery you risk your life. It may be a small risk, but it is there. OP and her husband have a child. I get that the nose job may have been a long cherished desire but was it worth the risk of leaving a child without a mother? That may be how the husband sees it.

If I wanted surgery and my husband did not agree I would try to get him on side. I may ultimately decide to go ahead against his wishes but I would entirely understand if he was then less than enthusiastic about caring for the invalid.

Likewise if he underwent surgery totally against my wishes I would make it very clear to him that he can of course make his own decisions but that I am not going to be forced into being a nursemaid. (I probably would look after him anyway, but he knows I am quite capable of not doing so.)


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

I initially missed the part about the OP kissing her H's best friend.

Yeah, let's bash the jerk hubby some more for not being as sweet and caring as the male friend who happens to be living in their house.

Can't take the effect and make it the cause.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

This is a two part issue. Male friend shouldn't be there and hubby should be taking care of his wife. What kind of man sits back while another man nurses his wife? Am I the only one that sees an issue with this? Affairs suck, but if you don't pay attention to your wife besides when you want sex you're helping too set things up, in the same way you're helping to set things up if you don't have sex with your hb.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

thunderstruck said:


> I initially missed the part about the OP kissing her H's best friend.
> 
> Yeah, let's bash the jerk hubby some more for not being as sweet and caring as the male friend who happens to be living in their house.
> 
> Can't take the effect and make it the cause.


So why hasn't hubby thrown the male friend out? Would you sit by and allow this? I thought the men of TAM were routinely told to c0ck block stuff like this?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScubaSteve61 (Mar 20, 2012)

H isn't on TAM. He needs to be.


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## cashybum (Aug 16, 2012)

Yup same guy. He's been* our* best friend for a long time and was our room mate when we first got together. I do not have "those" feelings for him in the least bit. We don't really hang out alone that much unless he helps me go pick up something on craigslist or last week he took me to walmart in his jacked up jeep when the roads were covered with ice. My husband works nights and isn't always available for help. He has the same relationship with my husband and he is always there when we need him. Does he want to bang me? He's a guy, he probably would have a hard time turning it down if I offered (especially since he hasn't been laid in a year or more) but it's not like that with us. My husband seems to be completely and totally comfortable with it because there is nothing going on there. We don't talk every day.. hell there will be weeks where neither one of us talk to him because we're all busy. It's not like that and this is not about the friend.

My mom was here too taking care of me and my husband was here pretty much the whole time he was here but he was asleep and my mom had to work. I'm talking about the time that my husband was available. When the friend called the doctor though, my husband was there but getting ready for work. He's been cold.

You're right.. I'm probably a cheating wife in the making (but it definitely won't be with that friend) and I sure don't want to be. I love my husband because he is as close to perfect as you can get in everything else except in the affection department. I'm doing everything that I can to be a better person.... I drastically changed my lifestyle with him and improved things he complained about before. For instance, I'm self employed and worked mostly in the evenings so I didn't get up till late morning. Now I get up at 6:30 every day to get our son ready for school and now I go to the gym and have been faithfully since September (so has he). I get my nails done and go tan and get the permanent fake eyelashes done so I know I'm not looking like the typical frumpy house wife. I've been making a lot more money and we've had a lot of positive changes in our life but our relationship is still in the dumps. I don't know what else I can do.

Sorry if some of this doesn't make sense. Heavily medicated and about to go take a nap...


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> So why hasn't hubby thrown the male friend out? Would you sit by and allow this? _Posted via Mobile Device_


I wouldn't sit by, but then I wouldn't have let a "mutual" male friend move into my house in the first place. Especially a "mutual" friend who recently had his tongue down my W's throat. And I KNOW that my W wouldn't allow another female under our roof. 

Why hasn't he thrown him out? I can only guess...he's either a complete doormat who is afraid of making waves, or he has completely checked out of the marriage, and simply doesn't care what his W does. In the second case, I'd assume he's got a hot little woman nursing him on the side as well.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

cashybum said:


> Yup same guy.
> 
> He's a guy, he probably would have a hard time turning it down if I offered (especially since he hasn't been l*id in a year or more) but *it's not like that with us*.


:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Weird. Usually it's a boob job that signals impending cheating and divorce.


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## ScubaSteve61 (Mar 20, 2012)

OP, I'm sorry if you are seeing us as being unduly harsh, however most of us have LIVED this, wearing your husband's shoes.


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## Aerith (May 17, 2013)

Thebes said:


> If your husband isn't with you and supporting you through this what is he doing? That would be my big question what is more important to him than me.
> 
> If he couldn't make time for me and a friend did I would accept the friends help even if he was wanting in my pants.
> 
> I don't care if it is elective surgery he should still be there for you and sympathize with you.


Maybe OP husband is not there cause there is no place for 2 men in the recovery room? and in her pants?


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## Aerith (May 17, 2013)

OP, do you have any women friends? Or you agree with your "friend" who talks "unbelievable bad about women"?


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

1. The OP wanted a nose job for a long time "life long dream". We don't know what her nose looked like, if she got teased as a child, etc. what kind of emotional baggage, if any, that she has been dealing with. Yes the husband liked the way she looked enough to marry her, but what about HER self esteem?

2. Husband told her BEFORE the surgery that he was not going to be sympathetic. So what that it is elective. IF she was doing this to make a good nose look great, then yes, I get his attitude. BUT if she was doing this because she has a lifetime of teasing and can't stand to look in the mirror then he is really out of bounds with his attitude.

So before you start throwing judgments around, maybe the OP would like to give a full disclosure on WHY she got this done.

3. If hubby was jealous of friend, maybe he should step up to the plate and take care of his own wife instead of leaving the job to another man.

4. My H has done some self inflicting stupid things in the past. That doesn't mean that I just bail. I still help to fix the problem, show compassion and be a partner. I don't just bail and tell him "tough sh*t".


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## ScubaSteve61 (Mar 20, 2012)

JustHer said:


> 3. If hubby was jealous of friend, maybe he should step up to the plate and take care of his own wife instead of leaving the job to another man *that she made out with, and is now going out of his way to be alone with her*


Fixed that for you.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

ScubaSteve61 said:


> Fixed that for you.


JustHer's point is pretty well-taken though: what kind of dumbass entrusts his wife's care to a guy like this, with a history like this? Why hasn't the husband at a minimum banned him from the home forever?

Unless he either doesn't know or doesn't care. Big problem with both scenarios.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

JustHer said:


> 1. The OP wanted a nose job for a long time "life long dream". We don't know what her nose looked like, if she got teased as a child, etc. what kind of emotional baggage, if any, that she has been dealing with. Yes the husband liked the way she looked enough to marry her, but what about HER self esteem?
> 
> 2. Husband told her BEFORE the surgery that he was not going to be sympathetic. So what that it is elective. IF she was doing this to make a good nose look great, then yes, I get his attitude. BUT if she was doing this because she has a lifetime of teasing and can't stand to look in the mirror then he is really out of bounds with his attitude.
> 
> ...


Yes,that's right,enable her fog a little bit more bc she isn't quite doing a good enough job on her own.


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

One thing I'm wondering about, while we all sit back in disbelief about the husband tolerating this guy being around...

cashy: does your husband know about you making out with the "we're just friends" roommate? Also, what does "made out" mean, exactly? Kissing? Kissing and petting? Etc, etc, etc.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

sh987 said:


> One thing I'm wondering about, while we all sit back in disbelief about the husband tolerating this guy being around...
> 
> cashy: does your husband know about you making out with the "we're just friends" roommate? Also, what does "made out" mean, exactly? Kissing? Kissing and petting? Etc, etc, etc.


She said her husband knows and is apparently comfortable with it. So we have a woman here who has changed her lifestyle and upped the way she takes care of herself, always trying to look her best, working out, etc. and her husband still won't show affection or emotional engagement with her.

He doesn't punch the guy who "made out with his wife" H*ll, he still lets him in his house. He tells her straight up he will not have any empathy for her when she gets her surgery done. She has admitted to feeling emotionally starved by him.

I am not negating what she did, she shouldn't have done that. Although I am starting to understand why, not that I agree. What I am questioning is why he won't show her the least bit of compassion? Why is he OK with her and his friend making out? Why is he emotionally pushing her away?


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

JustHer said:


> She said her husband knows and is apparently comfortable with it. So we have a woman here who has changed her lifestyle and upped the way she takes care of herself, always trying to look her best, working out, etc. and her husband still won't show affection or emotional engagement with her.
> 
> He doesn't punch the guy who "made out with his wife" H*ll, he still lets him in his house. He tells her straight up he will not have any empathy for her when she gets her surgery done. She has admitted to feeling emotionally starved by him.
> 
> I am not negating what she did, she shouldn't have done that. Although I am starting to understand why, not that I agree. What I am questioning is why he won't show her the least bit of compassion? Why is he OK with her and his friend making out? Why is he emotionally pushing her away?


Ohhhh, I had to find it in another thread. I thought I missed something in here. heh

I'd say that he's not really over her making out with the joint best friend, but it sounds like he withheld affection *before* that as well. So...

I don't know. I know I sure as hell wouldn't be friends with a "friend" who made out with my wife, even if she's the one who initiated it.

I don't "get" any of these folks, but am very inclined to say that she's kidding herself if she thinks that the male best friend from downstairs doesn't want more.


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## cashybum (Aug 16, 2012)

The best friend make out session was 3 years ago. We had been separated for about a week and we were both really drunk. I had some heavy emotional baggage and beer goggles. I made a mistake. We didn't talk to our friend for like 8 months. I'm not attracted to our friend in the least bit and we are all wrong for each other. I wish you guys could meet him and you would understand. Have you seen that movie the change up? He is like Ryan Reynolds before the change except not nearly as good looking.

My issue is that my husband made dinner the other night (didn't ask me what I wanted, it was awful and burnt but I didn't say anything), brought it in with out saying a word and then comes back 10 minutes later and says "I need to use that bowl to feed the dogs". My cast fell off last night and today he told me that he couldn't tell any difference except it's huge. I asked him if he could take me to my doctors appointment tomorrow to get my stitches and stents out. Husband: "I have to be home for Mason when he gets off the bus and then go get hay." Me: It's at 3:30, we can pick our son up 10 minutes early and go and you can get hay when we get back at like 6:30 or 7" "But then we'll hit rush hour traffic..get someone else to take you". 

Here is the kicker: "I would've been more sympathetic if you got your boobs done instead".

This board is a bit funny. I deserve to be treated like ******* because of a mistake I made 3 years ago that even my ******* of a husband doesn't hold against me? hmmmmm:scratchhead:


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

cashybum said:


> The best friend make out session was 3 years ago. We had been separated for about a week and we were both really drunk. I had some heavy emotional baggage and beer goggles. I made a mistake. We didn't talk to our friend for like 8 months. I'm not attracted to our friend in the least bit and we are all wrong for each other. I wish you guys could meet him and you would understand. Have you seen that movie the change up? He is like Ryan Reynolds before the change except not nearly as good looking.
> 
> My issue is that my husband made dinner the other night (didn't ask me what I wanted, it was awful and burnt but I didn't say anything), brought it in with out saying a word and then comes back 10 minutes later and says "I need to use that bowl to feed the dogs". My cast fell off last night and today he told me that he couldn't tell any difference except it's huge. I asked him if he could take me to my doctors appointment tomorrow to get my stitches and stents out. Husband: "I have to be home for Mason when he gets off the bus and then go get hay." Me: It's at 3:30, we can pick our son up 10 minutes early and go and you can get hay when we get back at like 6:30 or 7" "But then we'll hit rush hour traffic..get someone else to take you".
> 
> ...


I'd like to hear his side of the story.....you know theres two sides to every story.With that said you seem to have it all figured out.....kick his a$$ to the curb then!


you can enjoy and use your new nose to find somoen else!


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## Microwavelove (Sep 11, 2013)

There's almost too much going on in this post to comment solely on the nose job part of it. You said that your husband was "completely comfortable" with what happened with you and his friend. Unless you husband is different than any other man, or woman I know, I don't see how this is possible, especially seeing that he is still around and tending to your...needs. 

Chances are he is still harboring a lot of resentment surrounding what happened and since the two of you don't seem to have dealt with it in any real way, he's showing it in immature ways. The nose job probably just added another layer of resentment to what was already there.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

OP, I guess I am in the minority here. I do get how your husbands actions are inconsiderate. The fact is, this is how he is. I am sure you knew this going into the surgery. Of course you thought he would be more sympathetic with you, who wouldn't? But he is not. He almost sounds arrogant and resentful.

Again, I don't know what your nose looked like before and why you wanted it done so badly but I do have a feeling that if it weren't for the "friend" incident, more people would be sympathetic with you.

Having said that, if you know how this is how he is, you really only have two choices.

1. Stay, knowing he is not going to be emotionally available for you and have that be enough for you.

2. Move on.

I know it seems cut and dry, but really that is what it comes down to. In my opinion, he is using the excuse that it was elective to not be there for you. What will be his excuse when something happens that is not by choice?


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

cashybum said:


> This board is a bit funny. I deserve to be treated like ******* because of a mistake I made 3 years ago that even my ******* of a husband doesn't hold against me? hmmmmm:scratchhead:


I am a big believer in looking at actions over words. I think JustHer is right that he is resentful. So I would not be so fast as to just dismiss that incident based merely on his say so.

I do think you two need to address this ball of issues as a whole. Why is he resentful and taking it out on you? Why is he letting another man take over his role (and one that has at least some past with you)? If you can't do that, I don't see him changing.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

He made it clear that he had no sympathy for a nose job.... but you expect him to be sympathetic? 

You already had an issue with him not being affectionate enough for you.... but you expect him to be loving and doting? 

You did this to yourself. The nosejob and the expectations. You set yourself up for disappointment. 

Is marriage counseling an option? If not, what about you going to counseling? Figure out how to cope with a less affectionate H, or why you stay with someone incompatible to you.


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## explodingmachine (Dec 16, 2013)

cashybum said:


> It hurts so bad that my husband couldn't have been that guy. (


Hi - I'm in a whole world of hurt myself but one of the stickies encouraged me to give...First off, I am sorry to read your post - no woman should be made to feel like there is a better man than her husband. The sentence above resonated with me because that's exactly what happened with my wife. In her words, she turned to another man because he gave her "acceptance" and "presence". I can't even speak to her right now but I want to say to her, and to you, that whatever this other guy is giving you, it is not "true" acceptance or "true" presence. Any guy can say anything he wants to please a girl - that is the easiest thing in the world; in a marriage he cannot say what he doesn't mean, as that would be the start of deceit. That's why it might have seemed that your husband was distant and not overly concerned - and from your post, it seems he did not necessarily agree with your specific needs here. I'd like to think that deep down he still cares, a lot; he just can't show it the way you expect him to. 

I truly hope things get better for you and your marriage.


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## ScubaSteve61 (Mar 20, 2012)

explodingmachine said:


> Hi - I'm in a whole world of hurt myself but one of the stickies encouraged me to give...First off, I am sorry to read your post - no woman should be made to feel like there is a better man than her husband. The sentence above resonated with me because that's exactly what happened with my wife. In her words, she turned to another man because he gave her "acceptance" and "presence". *I can't even speak to her right now but I want to say to her, and to you, that whatever this other guy is giving you, it is not "true" acceptance or "true" presence. Any guy can say anything he wants to please a girl - that is the easiest thing in the world; in a marriage he cannot say what he doesn't mean, as that would be the start of deceit.* That's why it might have seemed that your husband was distant and not overly concerned - and from your post, it seems he did not necessarily agree with your specific needs here. I'd like to think that deep down he still cares, a lot; he just can't show it the way you expect him to.
> 
> I truly hope things get better for you and your marriage.


Listen to this guy. He's new to the board, and I can already tell that he's going to be a VERY valuable member.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

cashybum said:


> This board is a bit funny. I deserve to be treated like ******* because of a mistake I made 3 years ago that even my ******* of a husband doesn't hold against me? hmmmmm


Yes, the board is hilarious at times.

I bet your H does hold that against you. He's just holding it in, and he'll probably dump you when he feels the time is right. I met a married woman a few months ago. She told me what a checked-out jerk her H was. He had not touched her in years, and showed no interest in her. Then, she added that he caught her in a PA years earlier.

And she was asking me why I thought her H was such a total a-hole to her.:scratchhead:


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## ScubaSteve61 (Mar 20, 2012)

thunderstruck said:


> Yes, the board is hilarious at times.
> 
> I bet your H does hold that against you. He's just holding it in, and he'll probably dump you when he feels the time is right. I met a married woman a few months ago. She told me what a checked-out jerk her H was. He had not touched her in years, and showed no interest in her. Then, she added that he caught her in a PA years earlier.
> 
> And she was asking me why I thought her H was such a total a-hole to her.:scratchhead:


[sarcasm]

He's probably just a jerk who doesn't appreciate what he has at home. He should just have gotten over it and been happy she let him be plan B.

[/sarcasm]


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

explodingmachine said:


> Hi - I'm in a whole world of hurt myself but one of the stickies encouraged me to give...First off, I am sorry to read your post - no woman should be made to feel like there is a better man than her husband. The sentence above resonated with me because that's exactly what happened with my wife. In her words, she turned to another man because he gave her "acceptance" and "presence". I can't even speak to her right now but I want to say to her, and to you, that whatever this other guy is giving you, it is not "true" acceptance or "true" presence. Any guy can say anything he wants to please a girl - that is the easiest thing in the world; in a marriage he cannot say what he doesn't mean, as that would be the start of deceit. That's why it might have seemed that your husband was distant and not overly concerned - and from your post, it seems he did not necessarily agree with your specific needs here. I'd like to think that deep down he still cares, a lot; he just can't show it the way you expect him to.
> 
> I truly hope things get better for you and your marriage.


Husbands (and wives) are deceitful all the time. 

OP's husband may be a passive aggressive a-hole who has no capacity for intimacy, or he might still be punishing her because of what happened with their friend 3 years ago when they were separated. We don't know.

It's easy to project our own experience and conscience onto other people but in truth they may be behaving the way they do for completely different reasons than we would.


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