# Considering Seperation - Is It Just Me?



## mr_personality (May 10, 2010)

Guys I have been with my wife for just over 10 years now although married for nearly 3 of those years this coming July 1. I have two beautiful kids, 1 boy aged 2 and a little girl 4 months (couldn't be luckier here). I have however been struggling recently with the grand vision for the future with my wife as we seem to have grown from those early high school days and our fundamental personality types are significantly different. I am a software consultant by trade for a multinational corp and my wife is a primary school teacher, we are both educated adults however I seem to be over compensating in the anality department.  Let me explain. 

I can't stand it when the house is not orderly and untidy
I can't cope when clothes are left on the floor or when someone was too lazy to replace an empty roll of toilet paper
I feel like I must be in control of everything and this has produced a dependency in our relationship which I do not like.

My wife although does like some form of control is ok with living in a house where the dining table is covered with junk-mail, laptop computers, nappies, pens you name it sometimes. This means that often we need to sit in the lounge and eat tea which is just not good enough! I mean I have standards for these sorts of things and my life is like ground hog day crossed with bush-wacker day sometimes.

My mother-in law lives with us and she cannot hold her knife and fork! Now I know I sound like I am a bit of a bigget but I just expected that we would all sit down at night to a clean house and people would use their knife and fork properly. I have approached this with my wife and I was shut down so fast about picking on such minuscule, insignificant detail but this genuinely does bother me. So I started to dig a little deeper thinking that my frustrations are exposing themselves on the surface through such "insignificant" things and realised that we are just coasting through life with no real plan to achieve real goals like buying a house etc etc. I feel this stuck in a rut business is a result of a) busy lives (I travel with work 1/3 of the year) b) young kids c) lack of communication d) lack of planning
e) me being anal f) my wife being significantly un-anal.

It would be nice to meet half-way. Anyway I would like to invite thoughts on this as I just don't feel the love any more although I don't hate my wife or think that our relationship is beyond repair. I would like to know how people deal with self-indulgent, dependant, critical mother in-laws. 

Thanks again.
mr_personality


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

I wonder why you don't clean up if you don't like the mess. Arrange for counseling to help the two of you meet half way. She will better understand your concerns, and you will recognize your nagging as a result of being anal. So far you know that you are but think it's okay.

Tell your wife her mother has to go or she has to shut up. Discuss this in counseling also. If that doesn't help her understand, then leave and the two of them can fend for themselves. Of course, you know if you leave, your children will never be taught to use utensils to eat properly, they will never be taught to clean house. It is up to you to do those things and teach your children those standards, rather than complain they are not being done. And honestly, it is "minuscule, insignificant detail" about your mother-in-law's eating habits and should not concern you. It should, however, be a very big concern that your children are taught proper table manners because they are your responsibility to raise, not your mother-in-law.

Have you tried to set some goals for your life and marriage? Did your wife reject the idea to say she never wants to purchase a home, plan for the future, or accomplish other things? I'm trying to determine if your marriage is in a rut, if you are in a rut, or if the rut actually exists. I only see you complaining about many things, but you have not told us of any effort on your part, only that things are awry you discovered as result of your deep thinking.

Are you going to do something or just keep complaining?


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I can understand if you have tried to work through these issues and have done as much as you humanly can to keep things nice, etc. If you have been complaining without doing anything, however, or silently seething, then you really haven't taken responsibility yourself.

You are smart to see the connection between anxiety and control--it's a classic. But if you had a plan, would you feel much better about the mess? At some point, it's just a difference in personalities, but that is where compromise works. If she is too busy to keep things like you'd like, and you don't have time to do it yourself, you hire someone or devote a space for neat and a space for clutter, and you each take responsibility for living up to the arrangement. 

It's harder with kids, so if you are blaming your wife for the kids' clutter, get over it. She is no more responsible for that than you are. Confining that mess to a space will help and will teach your kids something. Remember it takes many, many repetitions for kids to learn new habits, so be patient and positive with them and they will learn--in a year or so. All you can do is continue to be consistent in giving them positive messages that help them learn to maintain order, one thing at a time. 

S2010 has good advice about counseling, so look into it. Good luck!


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## mr_personality (May 10, 2010)

I am a classic for harping on about mess and try to avoid confronting my dear wife about the topic because I just receive the same response each time "not enough time". I would like to be clear that I do understand that in this day in age it does take two to meet half way on all levels including maintaining the house. The last thing I want to do now that my original post relieved me of my initial frustration is come across as an male who expects his wife to take on the mundane duties of cleaning and raising the kids. To be honest I love cleaning (more so keeping the lawn than inside). 

What I do not like to tollerate is mess I call unclean mess as opposed to clean mess like a few toys left on the floor with the kids. That's all good and I enjoy getting down and making a mess with the kids. Slowly but surely the kids will learn as they get older (they are 2yrs and 4mths) to put the toys away themselves. This unclean mess however is in my opinion a by-product of laziness and a product of items around the house just not having a home so what happens it gets dumped on the kitchen bench, on the dining table, on the outdoor table, on the lounge and that's ok. Well no it's not ok, it's lazy! And no matter how many times I clean the kitchen and explain (this makes me popular) this is my expectation of a clean house, it goes in one ear and out the other and I am fed up with it. Water jugs get left out on the bench and not refilled ( how hard is it to fill a water jug), ohh I was busy with the kids. I am sick of the excuses hence the reason for my initial post. The mother-in-law always lived like this and my wife I feel has fallen into a routine of just accepting that this is ok and perhaps she has friends that live in pig-styes.

I don't know, kids are just beautiful, perhaps my anal personality is leaving my wife feeling a little depressed and unmotivated about such duties. I am away a lot and with a baby girl, life is all about the easiest approach. But I just can't shake the fact that I could have that house acceptable and look after the kids.

Anyway different people, different minds, different personalities.

RGS


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

- Is your MIL healthy? 
- Does she contribute to the finances of the house/pay her share of rent or watch the kids for you etc?
- Can you afford a cleaning lady once a week?

Do you enjoy spending time with your wife, talking - playing games? 

Do you have a good/great sex life?









mr_personality said:


> Guys I have been with my wife for just over 10 years now although married for nearly 3 of those years this coming July 1. I have two beautiful kids, 1 boy aged 2 and a little girl 4 months (couldn't be luckier here). I have however been struggling recently with the grand vision for the future with my wife as we seem to have grown from those early high school days and our fundamental personality types are significantly different. I am a software consultant by trade for a multinational corp and my wife is a primary school teacher, we are both educated adults however I seem to be over compensating in the anality department.  Let me explain.
> 
> I can't stand it when the house is not orderly and untidy
> I can't cope when clothes are left on the floor or when someone was too lazy to replace an empty roll of toilet paper
> ...


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## mr_personality (May 10, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> - Is your MIL healthy?
> - Does she contribute to the finances of the house/pay her share of rent or watch the kids for you etc?
> - Can you afford a cleaning lady once a week?
> 
> ...


MIL is healthy

She does contribute especially with the kids.

My wife and I do not spent hardly any time together at all just the two of us and I think this plays a significant role in the presence of what can only be perceived as sometimes shallow or nagging thoughts (clean, tidy house etc). I am away a lot (1-2 weeks a month) and when I am home I don't often enjoy spending time after all is said and done and kids are in bed and dishwasher packed with my wife when my MIL is sitting in the room with us. It's just not fun and I would thoroughly enjoy spending time with my wife it I felt it was easy to set boundaries at this time of the day. Is this fair/not fair.

Sex Life does not exist at the moment because I am sure my wife feels equally un-loved as I do right now plus we have a new born (well 4 mths) which just tires us out. The heart is willing.

RGS


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Just as you are right in your need to have an orderly house, your wife is right in her 'need' to NOT have to be anal about an orderly house. You are just two different kinds of people. Neither is wrong, you just ARE.

So what to do?

It's recommended that you tackle the projects that mean the most to you, and your wife do the same.

That requires sitting down with a poster or white board, and going over all the things that have to be done in such a busy house. List it all. Then, sit there together and take turns picking things that you will tackle, for the next 6 months. If clutter unnerves you, YOU take on the task of tackling that clutter each day, buying organizing bins for it, doing the mail, etc. YOU do it. So there's no more resentment.

At the same time, she is agreeing to tackle something else. So you are both contributing. 

Keep going down the list, until all is accounted for. Ask her mom if she wants to be involved in picking some things. Don't forget that spending time with kids is part of that list.

Try this out for 6 months and see if things don't improve.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

The advice below is great. And I would add something. I would nicely tell my wife that in order to have a healthy marriage the two of you need to have a certain amount of time just as a couple and yes that does include at some point sex. 

AND you should not have to leave your house to have alone time. Maybe 2 nights a week your MIL either goes to a movie or watches tv in her room. Or simply stays out of whatever room you two are in. Thing is AT LEAST a couple nights a week the two of you need ONE ON ONE time. That positive time is good for bonding. 

If MIL is not cooperative on that front sit her down and ask her if she wishes to be the primary basis for your divorce petition and ask her if she understands what that will mean financially. And I would be VERY calm about it. 







turnera said:


> Just as you are right in your need to have an orderly house, your wife is right in her 'need' to NOT have to be anal about an orderly house. You are just two different kinds of people. Neither is wrong, you just ARE.
> 
> So what to do?
> 
> ...


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## mr_personality (May 10, 2010)

I agree with your approach. Thank you. I will discuss with my wife. I was thinking about it further last night also and I think at a lower level I am somewhat dissatisfied of where I am in my career or perhaps my personal performance in my current role. This is obviously another track but has a signficant influence with my overall attitude towards the home life. Career is quite important to me and I am motivated in such ways.

I may consider a personality assessment or career coach, does anybody have any experience with such services?

RGS


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