# My husband cheated with a prostitute.



## jen1020 (Dec 18, 2011)

Hi

A bit of background, I have been married for 8 years with two young children.

I am feeling awful after my husband told me last Monday that he got oral sex from a prostitute, back in September this year.

It was the morning after his 40th birthday party, he was still drunk and decided to look in the back of the local paper, ring a prostitute (or escort they advertise as). He then drove to this person's flat and paid for oral sex. Not that I believe for one moment that being drunk is an excuse for this. 

He has got tested for HIV and various other STD's, they came back negative. I'm not sure if he just told me because I had been a bit ill lately (and he thought I had caught something from him), or just his guilt talking.

I am horrified and feel totally disrespected. We already had problems previously with his anger, where he had called me the 'c' word more than once.

Our sex life was quite good, seeing as we have two very young children. 

I don't think I can move on from this, or look at him in the same way. He does seem to be very sorry and says he won't do it again, however how can I believe that.

Any help would be appreciated.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

jen1020 said:


> I don't think I can move on from this, or look at him in the same way. He does seem to be very sorry and says he won't do it again, however how can I believe that.


You don't have to continue with the marriage if you believe that this is a deal breaker for you and that you will not be able to recover from. It can take anywhere from 2 to 5 years for a betrayed spouse to recover from the affair. Don't pressure yourself to either continue with the marriage or to divorce.

But if you want to give an honest effort to recover from your husband's betrayal, then you must be willing to walk if he does not agree to seek psychological counseling to resolve his issues and agree to marital counseling so that he can learn to do his part in helping to rebuild the marriage.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Jen 

An indicator for you to gauge your husbands remorse in on page three of the thread

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read-3.html
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jen1020 (Dec 18, 2011)

Thank you for your replies.

I am not ready to make a decision about divorce or reconciliation yet and I agree that I just need to take some time to think things over. However, I'm leaning towards a separation at least right now.

Marriage counselling could be an option, however we already went down that road because of his anger. I'm not really willing to go through another set of marriage counselling sessions at this point and think it would be better to cut my losses now.

I read the remorse thread, it was very helpful. At the moment he is showing some remorse but also is frustrated because I just cannot forgive and forget. He asks me every day if I am feeling any different towards him. I just answer no and ask him to give me space. He has also made some backhanded threats about how if we live in two separate houses he may have to default on our mortgage. 

Thanks again

Jen


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

> He has also made some backhanded threats about how if we live in two separate houses he may have to default on our mortgage.


In the newbie thread is a description of the 180, run it for as long as you need to gain emotional stability. Doing the 180 will cause him to reflect on his choice of words and actions. I suggest going to a lawyer, understanding your rights. I am not stating you should divorce him I am saying you must be prepared for any threats he makes against you. 

Silence is golden , the less you say , the less conflict you have , the more he starts to react. Don't threaten , cajole , be a doormat , cry or grovel to him. 

MC is not going to work if he is not prepared to change, admit his fault and do his everything to remedy what happened. The issue with many waywards is they want to rug sweep and get on with life without the effort to help you heal.


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## always_hopefull (Aug 11, 2011)

jen1020 said:


> It was the morning after his 40th birthday party,* he was still drunk* and decided to look in the back of the local paper, ring a prostitute (or escort they advertise as). *He then drove to this person's flat *and paid for oral sex. Not that I believe for one moment that being drunk is an excuse for this.


Just out of curiosity how did he manage to convince you that he was too drunk to think clearly yet sober enough to drive?


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## jen1020 (Dec 18, 2011)

always_hopefull said:


> Just out of curiosity how did he manage to convince you that he was too drunk to think clearly yet sober enough to drive?


He hasn't, he is making excuses. I believe he was still drunk, as I know how much he drank the night before (he was out till 4am). I also saw him when he came back from the prostitutes house, as myself and the children had returned by then and he was still drunk at midday. However he still clearly had the ability to look in the back of a paper, dial a prostitutes telephone number and then drive over to her apartment. He may have even used his sat nav, as the town he went to he is not that familiar with.

I'm not convinced at all, it isn't even comprehendable as an excuse.

Jen


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## pcpain (Dec 15, 2011)

Jen
Sorry you are going through this. How have things been in your relationship in general? You said your sex life is ok but would he agree with that?
There has obviously been something lacking for him to take that risk of getting sucked off by a prostitute. That is quite desperate in my book....
P


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## jen1020 (Dec 18, 2011)

pcpain said:


> Jen
> Sorry you are going through this. How have things been in your relationship in general? You said your sex life is ok but would he agree with that?
> There has obviously been something lacking for him to take that risk of getting sucked off by a prostitute. That is quite desperate in my book....
> P


Well I could *perhaps* understand if he hadn't had sex for a year because of illness or something or that I never gave gave him a bj, which I did. Even then surely he would need my permission to go see someone else for paid sex? We had sex every week, often more, so I'm not buying that he felt so darn neglected that he felt the desperate need to go see a prostitute. 

If that was enough to push him to go see a ***** then I have lost faith completely I am afraid.

He said himself that because it was his 40th birthday he felt it was some right of passage or something? Just unbelievable. Trying to comprehend why he did this is beyond what I can understand. Why risk your family like that.

Jen


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## pcpain (Dec 15, 2011)

Jen
I'm not looking for you to excuse or condone his strange behavior but to maybe understand just where it came from...
If you have been looking after him sexually (as it sounds you have) then what he has done is even more difficult to understand......
Being unfaithful with a prostitiute is quite extreme....this isn't a chance encounter or accident it takes some forethought and planning to carry it through.
Has he shown any signs of waywardness before this incident?
P


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## jen1020 (Dec 18, 2011)

P

I know, I'm just so beyond words at the moment. 

He hasn't been wayward before (well I thought he hadn't) and is very shy with women. He was never the type to be a jack the lad and chat women up like some of his married friends do. But then, maybe that is why he went to a prostitute because he didn't have to chat her up and he knew he would get what he wanted.

He has said to me that when he gets very very drunk he always wakes up horny. I wasn't there that morning because it was his 40th birthday the night before. We had all said that we would stay at his mums house (including him) because it was near the party venue and we didn't have to worry about expensive taxi's back to our house. My husband decided however to get a taxi back to our house anyway, whilst he left me and the kids sleeping at his mums.

So his excuse is, he knows he has a real problem when he gets really drunk, he gets incredibly horny and that is why he went to a prostitute. Also he felt as though he had some right of passage or something, as it was his 40th?

Still not much of an excuse is it.

Thanks for your support, I do appreciate it.

Jen


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## pcpain (Dec 15, 2011)

Jen
No, it's a crap excuse....I'm sorry hun but I like a drink or two but I have NEVER been pissed enough (especially next day) to get up with a hard on and think "ah I'll go to a prostitute"...why didn't he come to you for sex? Did you ask him?
A prostitute is such a cold option...why?

P


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## pcpain (Dec 15, 2011)

Jen
Man wakes up horny, no wife = wank
That's the usual equation.....
P


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## jen1020 (Dec 18, 2011)

P

I really don't know, I won't pretend that our marriage, or even our sex life was amazing. 

But we really did care for each other and went out on dates from time to time, enjoyed each others company. We were affectionate. 

There were problems, especially earlier on in our marriage with his anger though, I know his dad was a terrible example to him as a kid. I've always thought he must have some kind of psychological problems but regardless, I still cannot see what led him to this.

He couldn't come to me for sex that day (or the day after) as we had guests staying with us that weekend. Plus he went out the next night and got drunk again with his sister who was visiting and stayed over at his mum's house, so there wasn't an opportunity anyway.

Thanks 

Jen


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## pcpain (Dec 15, 2011)

Jen,
It sounds like,for whatever reason,l he wanted uncomplicated sex and perhaps thought a blow job from a prostitute was somehow not being unfaithful to you.
I wonder why,after all the trouble of going to a *****, he didn't go the whole way and just f**k her....did he say why only a BJ?
He has no history of doing this before so why then and then not the whole way with her....strange.....
P


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

At the end of the day he cheated . Blaming the drink is a fob off for him having weak boundaries . His actions were all intentional and planned. Since he claims he can't behave while drunk I suggest he gives up drinking.

What do want Jen? For the hurt to go away your husband should be moving mountains for you, anything less raises a question as to his sincerity .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jen1020 (Dec 18, 2011)

P - He told me he did have unprotected oral sex as he naively thought you couldn't catch anything that way. Maybe he did have full sex, who knows. The only reason he did tell me in the end is because he thought I had caught something from him. I'm not sure he would have told me otherwise.

Eli-zor - Absolutely, there is no way around this one. He has told me that he has now given up drinking but who knows if he will keep that up. I don't even think I want him living with us anymore.

I wouldn't say he is moving mountains, he is helping around the house a bit more and giving me some space.

At the moment I feel that next week (after Christmas) I will ask him to move out to his mums house. At the very least we need a separation, there is no way I can even contemplate getting over this whilst he is around, if ever.

Thanks

Jen


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## pcpain (Dec 15, 2011)

Jen,
Is this a sepration offence to you?
You have had an eight year happy marriage, guy is not a player where you would expect this kind of thing, good sex life, good relationship, 2 young children....
Some positives for you to keep sight of in all the negatives you are feeling at the moment....
Do you think that maybe he just made a VERY bad one off mistake?
We all do make them........is this a hanging one?
P


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## jen1020 (Dec 18, 2011)

Yes it is a separation offence to me, especially seeing as he has been verbally abusive in the past and we have nearly separated over that.

He has called me the c word, even when I was pregnant. I still haven't got over that.

Look he isn't a really bad man, just really immature and doesn't know how to handle his anger, or apparently his sexual frustrations. Inbetween the bad times we have had some good times too but I cannot stand this consistent disrespect. I really feel that I have given him more than enough chances with his anger before this incident happened.

Jen


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## jen1020 (Dec 18, 2011)

I also don't want my son to have the same hang ups and lack of respect towards women that my husband has, nor do I want my daughter to think it is ok for a man to treat you that way.

If it was a one off incident over an 8 year marriage, I possibly could get over it. However he has always had problems with disrespect towards me, when things don't go his way, or if he is dealing with stress. I've had to explain to him time and again how we should treat each other in marriage. I thought finally this year he understood as things seemed to get better and I started to feel closer to him again... and now this.

Jen


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

Guys (and women) can have meaningless sex. Only he knows exactly why he did this but maybe because he is shy and doesn't get attention from women, he wanted to feel wanted as he was crossing over into what probably he sees as 'middle aged'.

Obviously paying for a woman is not a logical way to prove that you are still attractive or wanted by women but that may have been behind the act.

Only you know if you can get past this and forgive him. My opinion (but everyone is different) is that this is just a symptom of what is likely bigger problems in your marriage. A BJ is not a reason in itself to end a marriage - but again, people have vastly different feelings on the 'sanctity' of sexual acts. You keep mentioning the anger thing which is likely much more serious than a no-strings attached BJ.


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## pcpain (Dec 15, 2011)

Jen,
Then I understand now more of your angle on this...culmination of things rather than one off mistake....
Do you feel it may be worth getting him to deal with his anger issues? Or aren't you interested?
Any type of unprotected sex with a prozzy is crazy!! The risk is massive....
P


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

jen1020 said:


> I also don't want my son to have the same hang ups and lack of respect towards women that my husband has, nor do I want my daughter to think it is ok for a man to treat you that way.
> 
> If it was a one off incident over an 8 year marriage, I possibly could get over it. However he has always had problems with disrespect towards me, when things don't go his way, or if he is dealing with stress. I've had to explain to him time and again how we should treat each other in marriage. I thought finally this year he understood as things seemed to get better and I started to feel closer to him again... and now this.
> 
> Jen


These are your boundaries , he chose to cross them . If you want to seperate for your own well being and that of your children then you should do so . A flag for you is some men choose to use this period to play using the excuse that you are no longer together. Be very prepared not to let him back in .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pcpain (Dec 15, 2011)

Jen,
Is it possible he has/is suffering from some degree of depression?
Often anger,stress and risky sexual behaviour can be indicators of that as I know all too well....
I was diagnosed in August this year and during my "crazy" phases, before medication, I was obsessed with sex and finding sex anywhere...including prostitutes...this is a man who had been happily married for 25 years....!!!
P


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## jen1020 (Dec 18, 2011)

Hi

It is possible he is suffering from some degree of depression, I have often thought that.

He already went to counselling for his anger problems, where they discussed his childhood issues. After 7 sessions he said he was 'cured', however I don't believe that was long enough.

I have also been to counselling to deal with the repercussions of his verbal abuse (name calling, coming at me as if he was going to hit me, pushing me on one occasion). To say my self esteem has been affected would be an understatement.

So I don't feel I have any energy left for him to deal with his anger again, nor his infidelity.

I need to gather what self respect I have left and move on.

Jen


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## pcpain (Dec 15, 2011)

Jen,
You deserve someone who will love you and respect you....good luck...we all deserve that....good luck. Don't get tired, good men are out there trust me...
P x


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

My husband also cheated with a prostitute, says he got a blow job and that was it. Usually I believe him. This was in June 2010, while we were separated but beginning to reconcile after previous infidelity (online paying for 'models' to meet up with). I have managed to move past it for the most part, but I still look at him every once in a while and think, what the F U C K???????? The only reason we're together is because he is working very very hard with me on everything.

He didn't even tell me what he'd done after he thought he had 'given me something', since a week after his tryst we started sleeping together again. He got a yeast infection and even had me googling symptoms and what not after seeing his doc. He fessed up in November when some stuff on his computer triggered me. We had moved back together in September.

His reasoning was as convoluted as your husbands is. To me, the reason doesn't matter. Fact is he hired a hooker and paid her for sex. To stoop that low is disgusting.

Anyway, I know how you feel right now. You need to do what YOU need to do and take care of yourself and your kids. He cheated and, no matter what the reasons, you need to decide if you want him with you or not. If he isn't willing to cut off his left arm for you and work REALLY hard, it won't work.


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## jen1020 (Dec 18, 2011)

Hi Hope

Wow, someone else who has been through my situation. 

I'm doing a lot of looking at my husband and thinking 'wtf' at the moment. Or imagining some hooker slobbering all over him, not a pretty sight. You are right Hope, the whole situation is disgusting and I'm sorry for what you went through too. It is also hopeful that you are still trying in your marriage to make it work.

I had a chat with him last night. He isn't going to move out, he says this is his house as well and he is entitled to stay in it. Unfortunately legally he is correct but you think the guy would use some common sense and give me the space i need to clear my head.

Again, he just wants me to be able to move on from it, so we can have a 'nice' Christmas. Well it isn't as easy as that I'm afraid. You cannot just get over something like this overnight. He also told me that maybe he should 'go to the bank tomorrow and cut off money from our joint bank account'. He said this because I am not forgiving him quickly and he thinks I am scheming behind his back? He then turned it around and said he didn't mean that. I'm very wary of him at the moment.

I've had conflicting thoughts since that discussion. So if he doesn't move out, then me and the kids will have to? Or I file for divorce and we both stay in the house until it is sold? Ofcourse the alternative is that I try to forgive him but I'm not sure that is possible.

At any rate, I'm holding fire at the moment. I don't have much choice if he won't move out anyway. 

Jen

PS - Hope - your signature really made me laugh this morning. I needed that thank you 

PPS - P - Thanks for your comments


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## pcpain (Dec 15, 2011)

jen
You are very welcome hun...the mental images they saddle us with are really tough to cope with...I know, as it was the sexual side of things that caused me the most trauma of all....(and still does today)
Take your own time to make the decision that is right for YOU...I believe that deep down through all the crap we know staight away whether we will carry on or part...I'm guessing you know too....
P x


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## jen1020 (Dec 18, 2011)

Hi

Well the latest is that he just seems frustrated that I am not getting over this infidelity. He actually seems angry because I am not talking to him much. Incredible.

He is full of self pity because at the moment I am not wearing my wedding ring until I can get my head together and figure out how I am going to deal with this.

His mother rang me last night and thinks what her son did was wrong, however is ofcourse on his side. She said that I was cruel for giving him the silent treatment and just locking myself away in the computer room so I can be by myself in the evening. She also said that my husband said I was being 'moody'. Too right I am being moody at the moment, I feel downright awful. I am trying to keep a tab on my emotions but it is very difficult.

Dear God, how am I supposed to react to this? Seems that my husband and MIL just want me to roll over and say 'ok dear, really I don't mind that you got sucked off by a prostitute, it is just fine!' Then off I go and bake a chocolate cake, with a big smile on my face and pretend that everything is just fine and dandy.

Also he won't move out, even if I ask for a separation. He says it is his house too and he has rights.

Ugh just ugh.


Jen


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Jen,
I have a similar experience to yours as well. My H has(d) a drinking problem, and had an episode with an ex gf while he was "very drunk".

I also had a mental list of all the things my H has done in the past, mostly due to drinking.

For me, it came down to him choosing to get help to learn how to cope with life. Drinking doesn't solve the problems from the past, it only makes the present ones more pronounced.

And he is doing that. And only because he is going to counselling and dealing with his past issues and self esteem, and learning better methods other than drinking to cope, have I been able to look at what he did with his ex gf (he got a bj and herpes too!) and say "he made a mistake". So I've been working on that part. Forgiving the mistake.

He also did a whole lot of things to show he was sorry, and it was a mistake.

But without the fact that he is no longer drinking and is going to counselling, I would NOT have been able to forgive. Because I see him doing things to prevent it from happening in the future.

I'm still wary every day. I need lots more time of consistent behavior to call it "okay". But I'm willing to give him a chance, as he is doing the hard work. 

Good luck to you, and I'm so sorry you are going through this, especially at Christmas.


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## confused55 (Apr 30, 2011)

I had an experience with my husband 9 months ago when I caught him making an appointment for an erotic massage in a distant city while away for work. He says he has done this twice, but who really knows.

My husband sounds a lot like yours. Someone you would never ever expect to be involved in this seedy side of life. Really good husband and father. (????)

He insists he only got hand jobs, but who knows with a fully naked masseuse all over you.

He has cried, begged, and done whatever I ask since this time, but it doesn't really seem to help me feel any better.

I asked him to move out for a month to give me some space and time to think. He refused to go.

When I look back now, I should have packed his things and left them on the front step.

I have a lot of resentment about the things that went on, but most of it is due to the fact that he didn't give me the respect to move out for awhile and give me space. I think that was so selfish.

I would ask your husband to go and stay with his mother or someone else while you sort through your thoughts. It's so difficult to do when the one who disprespected you is in front of you and you are cooking and doing his laundry everyday, and they are in denial and act like nothing ever happened.

This is like a festering sore for me and I don't know where it's headed.

Just think about yourself and what you need right now and don't listen to him. He doesn't deserve it.

So sorry


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## 52flower (Mar 4, 2011)

Jen,
Ouch. This one hits a sensitive spot. My exH gave me the ILYBINILWY & moved out after 17 yrs of marriage & 2 yrs after moving out from another affair. After he moved out, I discovered the missing 5K that he "forgot what he spent it on" was used to pay for HE excursions. Long story but he moved across the country with his HE girl, they are together, and they own a HE business. He says he made the biggest mistake of his life, ,wants to leave her, & wants to come back if I'll let him. 

He had unprotected sex with his affair partners (post my discovering about them) & took antibiotics for a possible chlamydia infection (I discovered this by accident). Throughout his affairs and big "mistakes", he was remorseful but didn't necessarily move mountains. He was an expert at lying, blame shifting, and developing amnesia on the spot. I admit, although I wanted to save the marriage & ,forgive him more than anything, I should have done a better job. It was hard because incidences of lying still occurred.

In my opinion, there is no excuse for making the conscious choices that your husband did. For some people, self-gratification is a priority over what is fair and right. It is possible your husband made a few "mistakes" but it wasn't once and he post discovery, he does not seem to put who are first. It's a blow to your self-esteem that's difficult to get over. Just remember, you did not deserve it. Good luck Jen.


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## jen1020 (Dec 18, 2011)

Thanks again for all the responses.

Deejov - I think it is a positive step that you H gave up drinking and went to counselling, I'm glad you are still working things through. My H has also said he has given up drinking but he has said this before so I'm not holding my breath yet. He was pretty much a borderline alcoholic, drinking nearly every day of the week. At any rate, I don't just blame the drink, there is much more to it than that. But again, I will say at least there is a remote chance of things working out if my h and your h stick to their promises. Herpes too eh? Boy that is horrible.

Confused - You are mirroring what I think I am going to feel down the line. You hit the nail on the head when you say 

"I have a lot of resentment about the things that went on, but most of it is due to the fact that he didn't give me the respect to move out for awhile and give me space. I think that was so selfish."

I know! How dare they go off and be so disgustingly unfaithful and then say well sorry, you are just going to have to live with it and have no breathing space. I have asked my h a few times now that it is best he leave after Christmas and he just came up with excuses initially. Now he is saying he will not go, as the house is half his. I suggested his mothers house but he said he will only go there for a week and then come back as it is his right. He will also have expected me to be over it when he comes back as well. Madness.

I could pack his bags but it won't make any difference, also he has had previous anger issues so I am wary of that. I guess I will have to leave with the kids but that is so bloody unfair.

52flower - my goodness what a horrible time you have been through too. It is definately a critical blow to your self esteem. I must admit I am just swinging between nothingness and anger at the moment. I don't really smile unless it is for my children.

I'm thinking if I really need some space I should say to him that me and the children are leaving and then maybe he will man up and move out. I'm sure he would rather me and the kids stay here than move somewhere else. But then, again I'm worried about his anger.

Jen


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## 52flower (Mar 4, 2011)

He doesn't seem to be thinking about your hurt as his #1 priority. In my opinion, you are wise in your plan to have space. If there is a chance for him to snap out of his selfish fog & instead spend all of his energy trying to understand and act with genuine remorse, humility, & empathy to your feelings, being apart is valuable. I don't know for sure but if I had the resources from the experience & knowledge coming from TAM members, I might have fared better. I came upon this site after I filed for D. I think at least I would have started healing & becoming a stronger person more quickly. But I'm at a better place now & I'm appreciative of that. I am wishing for good days ahead for you & the kids. Take care Jen.


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## halfway (Dec 22, 2011)

Jen1020 I am sorry you are going through this and I know it helps to talk to other people. I don't know if this gives you any comfort or not but since he seeked out an escort it was obviously just for sex. I am not saying your sex life isn't good they're are plenty of people who cheat everyday who have a wonderful sex life. 

That's the whole purpose I would imagine to seek out an escort it's supposedly discrete so at least you know it was just sex not and emotional relationship type of thing. Regaining trust on the other hand only you know if you can give that to him again.


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## confused55 (Apr 30, 2011)

I can see where you are concerned about your husband's anger.

He was the one who betrayed your marriage and family and HE is the one who should move out for awhile. You did nothing wrong so why should you disrupt your and your families home. He should be on the street.

As far as the house being half his, this could be questionable depending on where you live. I have heard of women with children getting the whole house flat out when someone has hired a sex worker which is not only disgusting but illegal in most places. A judge would definitely want to award you with more than half, and not look at his behaviour favourably.

Your husband has to realize he could be totally broke as a result of his behaviour. I've seen it happen before, and it is well deserved.

Good luck and maybe set up some protection for yourself before confronting him about issues. Make sure the kids are with someone else and have a friend or family member ready to help if things get out of hand.

You are the one who deserves everything in this case. He deserves nothing.


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## jen1020 (Dec 18, 2011)

Hi

Halfway, thanks for your reply. 

I know what you are saying and I have tried to rationalise the 'just sex' thing. It did cross my mind, would it be worse for him to have an affair with emotions, or just go with a prostitute? Before this situation occurred I would have agreed with you and said that I would have 'preferred' that my husband just go pay for sex.

Now however, I cannot tell you which is the lesser of two evils. All I can say is that respect, trust and love are the core of my principal values. I was also bought up to value myself as a woman. So the whole paying for sex thing absolutely repulses me. It is degrading and utterly disrespectful.

If he had had an ongoing affair, it is something I could have understood more I think, as at least it would be something from the heart, like he was madly in love and couldn't control his emotions. 

But then who can tell how I would feel if he did have an affair instead? I think you only know once you have had that experience. 

Confused - You are right, after Christmas I will ask him again to move out and get some backup from friends. It is absolutely not fair for me and the kids to move out. If he doesn't move out well then, it will definitely push me towards getting a divorce as I will have no choice.

Jen.


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## confused55 (Apr 30, 2011)

Jen,

It seems like you and I have the same type of morals and expectations in marriage, etc.

I just can't tell you how much a seperation could help you think things over. If only these men would realize how much that would help us.

I think with my husband, he feels like if he moved out people would find out about his infidelity and everyone would hate him including his two daughters and the people at work (which is probably true) but it is a consequence of this risky behaviour. 

They just shouldn't be able to get away with it with no repercussions.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Jen - your hubby has got to realize what he did is going to take years for you to heal from. Mine initially thought I'd get over it quickly too, but I bombarded him with emails and statistics and stuff telling him otherwise, plus we discussed it at MC and he did at IC also. If he continues to think you just need to get over it, your marriage will never work!

As for the 'just sex' thing - emotional connection or not, what it boils down to is that they paid for sex with a hooker. SEX. Married guys did this. Knowingly. It's an utterly selfish and disgusting thing to do. Same as having an emotional affair. Just sex or not is kinda beside the point.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Some would argue that how could a husband who had a very poor judgement call with a woman of the night be a good father, but the fact is he may be a great father. They 100% can be mutually exclusive.......I would probably take offense if my wife said "Well me and the kids_____________"

No, you go do whatever you need to the kids stay with me would be my reply. People like to think children are "so smart and know" bologna they know they only know what parents tell them PERIOD.

If someone needs a week or two to blow off steam before tackling this deception together so be it, but it should be conveyed like that the goal should be for the kids to feel 100% no impact.


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## annagarret (Jun 12, 2011)

Do not leave him. I feel horrible for you. I really do. He made a horrid mistake, which I know kills your desire for him but hang in there. There can be forgiveness and reconciliation. I am not making light of this, but the fact he told you is HUGE. Take time and try to build your marriage anew. Seek wise counsel. Remember none of our husbands are perfect. We all have shortcomings. 

The most important thing is to weigh your family life and what is he willing to do about it. He has to cool down on the drinking and seek counsel for his anger issues. Try not to feel alone, you should seek trusted counsel as well......

Blessings


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## jen1020 (Dec 18, 2011)

Hi

Thanks again everyone.

Well I seem to have had a slight change of heart. 

I really had to weigh up living apart from him and bringing up the two children on my own, with living with him and potentially someone I may not be able to trust again. 

It would be very hard to bring up the children on my own both emotionally and financially. I could do it if I had to but it really must be the last resort. 

Or the alternative is to stay with him, someone who at the moment I have lost trust and respect for. He has said on his own (without any encouragement from me) that he will give up drinking. I have told him that he must stick to this and not be unfaithful again and he still needs to keep a check on his anger, which he had been doing. 

So I am tentatively giving him another chance. We will see.

I really appreciate being able to put all my thoughts down on paper and appreciate your validation and guidance.

Best wishes and a happy new year.

Jen


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## jen1020 (Dec 18, 2011)

Hi

Well I'm saddened with the way things are going so far.

I'm trying to put on a brave face, we are talking more about day to day things so we have built a small bridge.

However, I wanted to talk to him tonight about a few things. First of all about STD's. I want to protect myself before I even think about being intimate with him again so I talked to him about him being aware that you can get STD's, even with a condom on? He got all defensive and gave the following type of responses:-

He wishes I would just forget about the incident and stop talking about it.

He cannot stand much more of 'this' (meaning me talking to him about the incident).

He just wants me to forget it and says that I'm 'being silly' for thinking that he would be unfaithful again.

Erm, no I am not being silly at all but how on earth can I heal if he just shuts down on me and wants to sweep it all under the rug? How can our marriage survive? 

Jen


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Your marriage cannot survive without his remorse. He isn't remorseful. He isn't trying to comfort you. He just wants to 'forget'. How nice of him. Totally ignoring your feelings.

This would be a deal breaker for me. Also, being called the 'c' word is a HUGE deal breaker for me. That is not how you treat someone you love, alcohol or not. My ex called me a 'c'. Right in front of our 2 year old (at the time)...I left a month later. Eff that. I am a beautiful woman who is capable of being treated as such-- and I proved myself right on that and found a man who would NEVER call me out of name. Ever.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Jen giving him another chance means he has to be remorseful , willing to admit his failings and in both words and actions create an environment for you to be secure in your marriage. Him discounting your concerns indicates he wants to rug sweep. 

Go to the newbies thread and print out the remorse component and other posts you can use to facilitate an open discussion with him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## always_hopefull (Aug 11, 2011)

Jen, I must appologize for my initial post. In retrospect your post your post triggered me, and I would like to start over by welcoming you here and offerening my condolensces for your situation. 

There are many good people here who can relate and help you deal with the roller coaster of emotions you are feeling. Sadly we cannot help your H with the remorse that he needs to show in order to R.

Please seek some MC and IC, they will help you sort through these emotions, and help you validate what you are feeling. My experience with my exh and his refusal to accept responsibility lead to me actually believing there was something wrong with me not "getting over it already" . My exh thought saying I'm sorry, I won't do it again was enough, it wasn't.

I found a book "how to help your spouse heal from your affair" very helpful. Sadly I think my exh read it as a how to screw up R manual.

Once again I am so sorry that you have found yourself here.


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## jen1020 (Dec 18, 2011)

Hi

I appreciate your responses.

Well I'm having second thoughts again because of the way he is reacting to me by not letting me discuss how I feel.

I realise that he told me about his infidelity. However he admitted that if it wasn't for the fact that he thought he had given me an STD (because I haven't been well lately) then I don't know if he would have told me at all. So for giving him credit for telling me? - well I'm not sure he would have done otherwise.

Also with the previous verbal abuse, well I'm just not sure how much lack of respect I can take. 

I was thinking last night, what on earth happened to me that I allow someone to treat me like this? What happened to the confident Jen.

Always-hopeful - thanks for your 2nd reply.

Jen


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## jen1020 (Dec 18, 2011)

Hi everyone

Well I told him tonight I wanted him to move out. As we speak he is packing his stuff.

Over the last few days, since his negative response about talking to me about his infidelity I realised that I needed some space for my mental health. 

I cannot breathe with him around. I care for him, I care that my children will miss him but I must think of myself this time. I feel so damn disrespected, violated and ashamed. The only way our marriage has any chance is if we separate. Maybe then I may realise what we can build on and he may too. At the moment I cannot see any future at all.

Please wish me luck.

Jen


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Take care of yourself , give yourself time to breathe, take each day as it comes.

Best wishes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Good for you JEN! Good for you!


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Your are strong and are doing the best thing. My heart goes out to you and I wish you continued strength. Hugs.


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## confused55 (Apr 30, 2011)

I think it's really good that you got him to leave.
It will give you some space without him (the problem) in front of you.

I wish I would have insisted my husband leave for awhile. I think I'd be in a better place right now.

My husband said he'd do anything to make it up to me, but would not give me the space I needed, so now I have resentment about that too.

I hope you can relax a bit and see things more clearly for yourself when he is out.

The right answers will come to you.

Good luck


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