# Why do you DENY DENY DENY?



## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

Need a guy's POV here

Among my many suspicions a new one has arisen - confronted my husband about this one over the weekend. Curious for feedback.

This weekend I threw something else in his face (I forgot I found Viagra stashed w his sterioids in our bedroom) - his answer: "I got it for a friend" when asked who he told me and it's a young guy. I asked what he could possibly need that for he started getting mad and said "I don't know why don't you call him and ask him" - I asked where he got it he said his cousin (another person to add to the equation) so I said that is why you are always at his jewelry shop and accussed him of dealing drugs for this cousin. He got all irrate and said I'm not going to believe any answer he gives and almost said F U but bit his tongue.

Well this Viagra magically disappeared over the summer (I found it late spring) he says he didnt remember he had it nor does he remember getting rid of it - ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? Did it magically disappear? You got it "for a friend" yet it sat in your drawer for months. I swear I feel I am married to a teenage boy or that I am interrogating an accused criminal! I told him maybe he blacks out when he lies he said he's going to ask the therapist about that - WHAT>!?!! Is it me or does anyone agree he's just pulling whatever he can out of his ass to save face or something.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Not a guy thing - its a liar's thing.

He continues to lie because it seems like its working. I think you've found more than enough "evidence" that he's up to no good, but I'm not sure if you've made any real changes or made any threats that you are ready to back up.

He keeps lying, and these lies seem to give you just enough doubt to hold on. He'll keep lying until you leave, or at least convince him you're ready to leave.


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## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

Thanks for putting it into perspective NiceGuy. Yes sorry it's not a man's thing - def the work of a liar.

You're right I keep holding on to doubt guess b/c I want hard evidence but I may never get it nor an omission of anything he's doen (my therapist has told me this repeatedly). Bottom line is, I'm not happy, don't trust him and my feelings for him have definietly changed. I no longer see him as a life partner. Guess I need balls to just get up an go. I'm definitely leaning mroe towards it and he knows it that is why he's trying to be good and go to therapy I guess...


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

Annoy we have so much in common its scary. 

its a lie thing, heres the trick: He lies, you get upset, go through whatever you go through to get yourself through it (being angry, crying, drinking, not eating, not sleeping, chain smoking whatever) He sucks it up, copes with it until you're through and in the end, you're still there. You've shown him no reason to change his habits or lies because other than your anger, what type of consequences to his actions is he dealing with?

Its like a dog or a child. the "I want to do this" thought happens, then the thought of what the risks are if caught. in the end, since its really just an angry wife for a while, its always worth it because either way caught or not, there's no REAL consequence.


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## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

CL you're good!! You are so right and I think if I don't leave he will never change. Sad part is when I do leave , it'll be too late. His loss though, right??!!

I think this is exactly why he won't admit to anything. Sort of reverse psychology in a sense. He knows I won't believe anything he says whether it's teh truth or a lie so why own up to anything if I'm just going to get upset or use it against him. he knows if he admits to anything I accused him of it will get out to otehrs and he's all about saving face. I also think that may be why he is now going to therapy - to show he's doing something about the situation to save face b/c he knows i will leave now. Ugghhh such confusion


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

What is he lying about here?--whether or not he takes Viagra? I'm confused. Couldn't he be lying about this because he is insecure and doesn't want you to know that he needs help to get it up maybe?

I will re-read. Maybe I missed something.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Yep, that about sums it up - he's pulling the wool over your eyes and pulling this crap out of his ass.

I agree with CLucas976, no consequences, so no problem. I would definitely have a problem if I found Viagra that I didn't know about - I don't know what kind of dumb-ass excuse my husband could come up with that I would even begin to believe...at least yours thinks quick on his feet! This isn't funny, but I couldn't resist.

I don't know what to tell you here, you already confronted him and we all know he lied - maybe you have to do something more drastic - real consequences - but be careful, those might not work either and you might get more than you wished for.


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## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

Trenton said:


> What is he lying about here?--whether or not he takes Viagra? I'm confused. Couldn't he be lying about this because he is insecure and doesn't want you to know that he needs help to get it up maybe?
> 
> I will re-read. Maybe I missed something.


Hey Trenton - sorry I should have indicated this is all tied into my threads - the drama I am involved in at the moment. If you have time skim the threads for an idea of what I am goig through. Would love your feedback.


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## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Yep, that about sums it up - he's pulling the wool over your eyes and pulling this crap out of his ass.
> 
> I agree with CLucas976, no consequences, so no problem. I would definitely have a problem if I found Viagra that I didn't know about - I don't know what kind of dumb-ass excuse my husband could come up with that I would even begin to believe...at least yours thinks quick on his feet! This isn't funny, but I couldn't resist.
> 
> I don't know what to tell you here, you already confronted him and we all know he lied - maybe you have to do something more drastic - real consequences - but be careful, those might not work either and you might get more than you wished for.


I think it's time to just get up and leave already- this has been going on too long. I don't need to sit around for more of this BS or wait for him to grow some balls and man up! Thx for your response


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## Orion (Jul 17, 2010)

Anonny123 said:


> I think it's time to just get up and leave already- this has been going on too long. I don't need to sit around for more of this BS or wait for him to grow some balls and man up! Thx for your response


It is time for you to exit after all that you have been through. Waiting for him to man-up and come clean won't happen. Although you reminded me of the Chris Rock sketch when he says, "Women are like the police. They can have all of the evidence in the world but they want the confession!!"
And unfortunately, most men that I know are conditioned to NEVER fess up regardless of how much evidence there is. And yes, in my youth I was one of those men.


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## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

Thanks for the laugh Orion - I know exactly which skit you are referring to.

Do you agree he won't fess up b/c he doesn't have to? I still haven't told him about all the texts I read (my therapist advised me not to as of yet to see if anything comes out of his mouth). When I show him those and ask for an explanation you think he will continue to deny or sugar coat them?


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## Orion (Jul 17, 2010)

Anonny123 said:


> Thanks for the laugh Orion - I know exactly which skit you are referring to.
> 
> Do you agree he won't fess up b/c he doesn't have to? I still haven't told him about all the texts I read (my therapist advised me not to as of yet to see if anything comes out of his mouth). When I show him those and ask for an explanation you think he will continue to deny or sugar coat them?


He won't fess up because that is probably his nature (and conditioning) when dealing with questions that he doesn't want to answer regarding issues with you. I bet that he has pretty much always lied/avoided when it comes to women because he has always lied (or been dodgy) with women as a means of getting what he wants. He is probably trying to save face a little but it's more than that. It's "who and the hell are you to question me about anything???"

In the face of hard evidence, he will probably sugar coat the texts and say that he was just playing or something. In the face of hard evidence, he cannot really lie so he will use "Liar's Judo" (using your own momentum in the argument against you). I can see him saying, "I mean, I wrote it but I was just playing. I mean, what do you want me to say? It's right there. I am just saying that they don't mean anything because I was just texting and having some fun..."


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Browsed through and can only say that I'd be running. Sorry he's such a butt.


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## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

Thanks Trenton! Appreciate the time you took to read thru the threads and appreciate your advice 

His loss, his fault. Oh well right


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## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

Orion said:


> I can see him saying, "I mean, I wrote it but I was just playing. I mean, what do you want me to say? It's right there. I am just saying that they don't mean anything because I was just texting and having some fun..."


Maybe this is why the therapist doesn't want me even mentioning the texts - like it's not worth it and I can totally see him twisting it the way you are saying. 

The way I see it, if he really cared, he would say things like "I didn't mean anything by those texts/convos, I love you" or "you're the only one for me" but those words NEVER EVER came out of his mouth. Makes me think he really doesn't want this to work 9which is fine w me just man up and admit it) as it's been 10 days since the confrontation and he shows no affection, is distant, never once has he apologized for making me feel the way I do or anything like "I love you I would never do those things, you've got to believe me..."


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Do you know anything about his background/childhood?


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## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

He lost his dad when he was 5. Youngest of 3 children (has one older brotehr and one older sister). Mom raised them on her own never remarried. One thing striking is he's always been the apple of mom's eye. Older brotehr had serious drug/alcohol problems. Sister has depression issues. My husband is always teh praised one/golden child. I personally think, from a psycholigy standpoint, since he's always been prasied - always gotten away w things - the pattern just continues itself. He's got that "he can do no wrong" inbedded in his head... that's my take.

Yours? Any other info I should provide?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Anonny123 said:


> He lost his dad when he was 5. Youngest of 3 children (has one older brotehr and one older sister). Mom raised them on her own never remarried. One thing striking is he's always been the apple of mom's eye. Older brotehr had serious drug/alcohol problems. Sister has depression issues. My husband is always teh praised one/golden child. I personally think, from a psycholigy standpoint, since he's always been prasied - always gotten away w things - the pattern just continues itself. He's got that "he can do no wrong" inbedded in his head... that's my take.
> 
> Yours? Any other info I should provide?


Has he ever been to any sort of therapy?


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## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

No never - just started now. He said he thinks he needed this (me confronting him and thinking about leaving) to realize he needs help...


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Anonny123 said:


> No never - just started now. He said he thinks he needed this (me confronting him and thinking about leaving) to realize he needs help...


How about you?


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## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

I started therapy in early August. I needed to figure out my feelings, what I really want in life, how to approach someone who doesn't communicate etc. You can private message me your questions if that's easier


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Anonny123 said:


> I started therapy in early August. I needed to figure out my feelings, what I really want in life, how to approach someone who doesn't communicate etc. You can private message me your questions if that's easier


I just wanted to get some indication of whether you were looking for some sort of quick fix.

We spend all this time getting into difficult situations and then we want it fixed - NOW.

That isn't how life works.

It may be difficult to be patient, but there's really no rush to decide anything. I'd remain calm and curious about anything you see from him (or yourself) that's different.

From what you've said, he's never been accountable. That's a difficult lesson. Thinking there's a high cost to being wrong can tempt people to conceal and lie.

I would not advise putting my heart on my sleeve and "believing" everything he says right now. But, his behavior and bearing will tell you whether his sessions are having any impact. Best behavior only lasts a week or two anyway.

In the meantime, figure out what you're frightened of and where your defenses come into play. Think of it as untangling a knot. When you get to the last string, you'll know exactly what to do - and when to do it.


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## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

Thanks for your advice Conrad. I sense a difference in me - I am more confident, more aware of what I deserve in life, stronger too


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Anonny123 said:


> Thanks for your advice Conrad. I sense a difference in me - I am more confident, more aware of what I deserve in life, stronger too


Good.

Keep working on you.

The rest will follow-suit.


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