# Husband had emotional affair now what?



## Ntsure (Jul 16, 2011)

I stumbled accross a strange text message my husband sent to one of his clients a few weeks ago. It wasn't anything suspicious--just said something to the effect of "how is your day going". I asked him why he wanted to know how this client's day was going. He doesn't even send me those type of messages. He told me that he was trying to smooth things over because she'd been upset about a recent performance (hubby is a self employed music teacher). I let it go though obvisiously it stayed in the back of my head. Fast forward to Friday night and I started snooping through H's email and facebook account. I always thought we had a pretty decent marriage although it's only been 4 years this past Thursday. I've always had all of his passwords and we never shared any secrets. Anyway, I checked his email and after not finding anything I logged into his cell phone carrier account where I discovered that my H was texting this client (who is married btw) 5-6 times a day just about every day for a few weeks now (he's deleted these texts so I can't be sure what they say). 

I decided to look on facebook to see if I could find out anything. I couldn't access his FB acct because the password was changed. I opened up his laptop and was able to access his FB acct that way since he'd selected "stay signed in". When I checked his messages to this client I was just stunned and hurt. There were only 4 messages and they were short, but they involved them exchanging cyber kisses and ending with client saying she'll see him tonight. I was LIVID. I immediately called H and told him to come home because we needed to talk. He promptly came home and we started trying to talk things through. 

He denies any physical contact and said that she said he'd see her tonight because she sometimes goes to the jam session he was going to that night. This is only the second time he's gone to these jam sessions and he even asked me earlier in the week if it would be ok if he started going. Like a fool I told him it would be ok just so long as it didn't interfere with my hair appointments (I needed him to pick me afterwards). He never told me that this client sometimes shows up. He admitted that this whole thing was stupid and that he and client have only been chatting about music. According to him nothing has happened and he still loves me and wants to work things out. I was so ready to leave. One of her phone calls to him was 73 minutes long! The nature of his business and the client/teacher relationship does not necessitate them needing to be in contact on a daily basis. 

I don't know what to make of all of this. I told him that i don't trust him and that he would have to try to earn my trust again. I asked him if he changed his facebook password and he said he did because it had gotten compromised and he told me the new password. In the past he has NEVER given me a reason to not trust him. If he's going to be late he'll call or send a text. I have a set of keys to the business. I just have never had a reason to feel like he would be unfaithful. I'm just not sure what to do. I told him that he has to stop all contact with this client even if it means losing her business. I deleted her from his FB acct and told him so. He said that's fair enough. 

I'm just not sure how all of this could happen and why it's happened? I slept (if you can call it that) in the living room last night and he insisted upon sleeping in here as well. H says he just got caught up in the moment and was just "having fun". He said he wasn't looking for anything.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

It can happen for lots of reasons. Maybe there is something he is missing in the marriage that she fullfilled. Perhaps the attention from a woman was exciting. He may not have fully realized it until it was too late. It is clear that he knew he was doing something wrong otherwise he wouldn't have been changing his passwds and deleting texts. Once the thrill has been experienced it can become an addition. One gets a powerfull dopamine, adrenaline rush from an EA. This is why you are doing the right thing by enforcing no contact.


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

Good Luck with your new found information. My stbxh started an EA from FB and it has ended in divorce on the 19th of this month. 

That's not to say that will happen to you. But now you have to lay down the trust building groundwork. He needs to be open and honest and working on repairing the marriage and forgetting about his testorene.


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## Ntsure (Jul 16, 2011)

Thank you two for your responses. I'm just exhausted right now and although I don't want to be hasty I don't feel like fighting things either. I don't feel like I should have to "police" a grown man. Right now, I just don't see how trust can be restored.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Him saying they only talkabout music is BULLSH!T if they are exchanging cyber kisses, talking that much, texting about hwo their days are going and meeting up.

What you do is you tell her husband everything you know, that they are having an affair, and you do this WITHOUT letting your husband know beforehand (or her for that matter). Why? Because it gives OW and your husband time to get their story straight and make YOU look like a looney tune.

You need to tell him straight up: all contact with her ends immediately or he can GTFO cause you won't live in an open marriage.

Get tested for STDs.


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## DG3 (Jul 13, 2011)

I hate to say it but this was the beginning of something bad. He opened a window into your marriage and invited her in. He will not just drop her that easily. Be vigilant and take care of yourself. An affair is an affair.


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## dojo (Jul 4, 2011)

My first reaction would be to not be too mad, but on the other hand, he should text ME to see how my day's going and not someone else. And FB is OK to keep in touch with common friends, not set up meetings and texting another woman.

I think you're lucky you caught this so soon and should be careful from now on. And yes, I'd tell him to stop contacting the client or prepare for some nasty consequences.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Facebook doesn't cause these things but it doesn't help. He needs to go no contact with her and you should both drop social networking.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cypress (May 26, 2011)

> I don't feel like I should have to "police" a grown man. Right now, I just don't see how trust can be restored.


Your husband is not a grown man, he is a selfish, thoughtless child. But he has the adult ability to tear your heart out. His behavior creates an ever-present threat of disaster. You can:

Privately snoop to find out if he is telling the truth.
Kick him to the curb now.
Do nothing and let the child decide.
Trust is earned over time. If you don't know what he is doing, it will take a very long time to trust him. Snooping is not wrong, it should be called _electronic conjugal verification_ ™. He is hiding information you need, to make an informed decision about your relationship with him.

*There is privacy in a marriage, but not secrets.*


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

This is how it starts, the emotional addiction. Your H needs to realize this was an affair and he has destroyed your trust. How do you know he didn't kiss her that first jam session? 

The first time my H was out with the OW, she got him into the parking lot and kissed him. Make out session even before the EA got rolling. She was telling him she loved him within two weeks. They finally had sex after 5 months. But, if you actually added up all the time they spent together texting, phones calls, lunches, drinks, "dates" etc etc.... it's probably less than 40 hours. It doesn't take long to slide down the slippery slope.

Make sure your H has told you everything. If he wants to rebuild trust, now is the time to come clean. If you find out more later, it only decreases the possibility of being able to rebuild your marriage.

Good luck, I hate seeing this happen to another person. I hope you did catch it before it got physcial, but cheaters lie and trickle truth. On d-day when I found out my H was having an EA he said, "It's not as sordid as it sounds." Turns out it was way way worse.


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## haveaheadache (Jun 21, 2011)

He has to cut all ties, there is no other option. My h had a emotional affair they did kiss at one point and he came completely clean. They have not spoke or seen each other for 3 weeks, he misses their friendship but I can't deny him those feelings, they are passing. It takes time, communication, and lots of work to get thru this. You must have patience, but be firm on all your decisions. 
Re building trust is a hard one, not something that can be fixed overnight.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

I had an EA some years back. My wife picked up on the signs and called me on it. I was so deep in the fog I was lost. My wife engaged and saved our marriage. 

One thing is absolutley certain. There must be immediate and absolute no contact. This contact must be verifiable. There can be no secrets in a marriage. I am sorry but if you do want to keep him, you do need to go the full way to pull him back from the abyss. Is this fair ... NO. But it is a selfless act of love for you to be willing to do it. If you do and are successful he will go through withdrawal. 

You decide whether he is worth it or not. My wife felt I was worth the effort, and I love her no end for this. This stuff does happen. There is no excuse for it. But it does happen. It happens to good people too. Well maybe once anyway. Then they learn. 

I did not even admit to myself I was in an EA until I got through the withdrawal. I have only recently forgiven myself at my wifes urging. She forgave me long ago. But she is that good of a person.

Anyway we ended up doing His Needs Her Needs together. It made all the difference. I am a better and wiser person for this but as they say "but for the grace of God there go I". Meaning, she could have kicked me to the curb and have been justified. So I was lucky my wife cared enough to save our marriage. 

The thing is an EA is an addiction. It is chemical. I am not making excuses for anyone. But realize these people are out of their minds crazy. They are all dopamined up. The betrayal was putting themselves in a vulnerable positon where this can happen. They messed up. They should have known better. They did betray their SO. They blasted past boundaries if they had any. But we are all human.

I hope you decide to take control. Read him the riot act and insist on a verifiable no contact. If he will not comply, then tell him this is not acceptable in your marriage. Scare the [email protected] out of him. But do not accept him continuing contact. This must stop now. I wish you luck.

Oh and I can say my wife has more trust in me today than before. Why? She knows I am wiser for it and she knows I had my one free pass. Smart lady, my wife.


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

The EA destroyed my marriage no matter what his side of the story is because there was really nothing else that could have not been worked on. He was in a fog and continues to be in one. He refused MC the first time he ran away and I spoke to him on cell about MC and joining in his new found hobby. But the fog was too strong and I couldn't fight it because he was so wrapped up in it.

Long story short, today I divorce but I tried to help him but they also need to want to be helped. I wish you all of the strength you may need to get through this.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> I had an EA some years back. My wife picked up on the signs and called me on it. I was so deep in the fog I was lost. My wife engaged and saved our marriage.


How did your wife reach you through the fog? You must have still believed in your marriage.



Entropy3000 said:


> I did not even admit to myself I was in an EA until I got through the withdrawal. I have only recently forgiven myself at my wifes urging. She forgave me long ago. But she is that good of a person.


How long did the withdrawal last?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

meson said:


> How did your wife reach you through the fog? You must have still believed in your marriage.
> 
> 
> 
> How long did the withdrawal last?


Great question. I have asked myself that. I think objectively it was the following:

1) My wife was in tune with me and saw the signs. *She acted early enough and decisively.*. 

2) She was willing to enlist some co-worker friends who were marriage friendly. So she was able to expose the affair to others. These friends were critical in helping to talk to both parties. That said, both of us were in a fog and in denial. It did not stop me from wanting to keep the "freindship". I was in serious double down "[email protected]" mode.

2) The EA happened over a period of time where I really had my self convinced we were just friends. It was an intense work environment. Very long hours that included a lot of weekend work. No excuses. But I was getting some real attention and admiration from a very intelligent and very good looking woman. My krytonite as I have come to realize. I know this now. I was the AMOG in my area of engineering in my company. It felt right. It was not of course. I was getting some of my needs met with her admiration. I was no doubt meeting her needs for attention. Sigh. Anyway. Inappropriate and heading deeper and deeper into the fog. So my long hours of work kept me away from my wife for extended periods. Not good. My fault. 

3) I absoultely believed in my marriage. I was not consciously seeking out anyone. My betrayal is that I let the relationship become inappropriate. There has never been a time in my marriage that I have not adored my wife. But I would classify things at that time in hindsight as "I Love You But Am Not In Love With You". I only see this now. It was not on my mind then. I was just infatuated with this other person. My mind was absolutley messed up. I needed my fix. This has shacken my world as in my mind this could never have happened. I was Superman. My character was too good ... I thought. I was wrong. I lost respect for myself and it has taken a long time for me to regain it. I realized I was human and had flaws. On a good note, I am much more forgiving of others and a more compassionate person.

4) I was changing companies. This accelerated the EA in one way but ultimately was key in the no contact area. It took me from four to six weeks to withdraw. I needed anti-depressants to help me. That said I had also just changed jobs. I was probably in withdrawal from that intense environment as well as from the OW.

5) My wife and I did His Needs Her Needs together sometime later. Wow. What an eye opener. It was then that I could really admit, I had had an affair. It gave me some additional tools I was lacking. Like boundaries. I also learned that one should be in tune with their spouse. You cannot prevent an affair but you can make sure your partners needs are met so there is less chance for it to occur. In my case, it was unfair to my wife. I worked all of the time. She was not given a chance to meet my needs. So it was not that she let me down in any way. I let her down.

I am on this website for a number of reasons. I have come to realize that one of them is to help me purge my own daemons. Wayward spouses upset me very much. I very much feel for the betrayed. But, I am an advocate for those who have for one reason or another let themselves been drawn into an EA. I think it happens way more than we realize. 

If my wife had done what I had, it would have devastated me no end. I do not know if I could have been as strong as she.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> Great question. I have asked myself that. I think objectively it was the following:
> 
> 1) My wife was in tune with me and saw the signs. *She acted early enough and decisively.*.
> 
> ...



There is always hope for people who still believe in their marriage. It's great that your wife fought for you, she must have believed you as well. Going to people at work is quite a tactic. If mine had happened at work it might have been far worse. The fact that my wife can directly monitor it has been essential for me as well.

I am with you this site has been very useful in showing me the pain and problems that would inevitably happen if an EA goes on unchecked. It's a good dose of preventative medicine.


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## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

It's an affair you are dealing with, EA certainly and highly likely PA too. You might have caught this in time but then again maybe not. No contact with OM is essential. 

Whilst she is in the picture your marriage is doomed. He has violated your trust.


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## strongwomanof1984 (Jul 20, 2011)

Lazarus said:


> It's an affair you are dealing with, EA certainly and highly likely PA too. You might have caught this in time but then again maybe not. No contact with OM is essential.
> 
> Whilst she is in the picture your marriage is doomed. He has violated your trust.


Yep I agree.....


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## appiebabe (Nov 12, 2014)

3 months ago i found a strange text to someone on my husbands phone, and foun dout it was another woman who had been friends with years ago. he was swishing her good luck on a job. I was 7mths pregannt and told him to stop texting this woman. he said they were just friends, so i insisted if they were friends, i would know about it after 5 years of marriage. I since then have given birth to our 2nd child, and now find out hes texting her again, i saw it on our ohone bill. I basically went nuts, threw him out and he could only come back if he gave up gym, texting her, changing his #, facebook etc. trying to block any communication or chance of communicating. Its now 2 weeks since then and hes home and i cant seem to get these calls, texts out o fmy mind. He said he listened to her about her boyfriend issues, but i feel like its something more. Anyhow, he does have a big communication issue, so he iwll talk about anything but the main problem an dhwy he did this. he says he doesnt know why. how can that be? I really dont know how to feel anymore or what to do.


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