# Question regarding wife's work travel



## Youngster (Sep 5, 2014)

Hi everyone,
First time poster, long time lurker. OK so here’s my question/story;

My wife travels for work about 4-6 weeks each year. The trips are spread throughout the year so fortunately she’s usually only gone for around a week at a time. I've never been happy with her traveling but understand it’s for work and something everyone (who has a job) must do on occasion. 

A couple of weeks ago, at a work party, I found out that not all of these trips are mandatory and many are in fact optional. I confronted her on this and she admitted that she doesn't have to go to all of these events but it’s what she likes most about her job. I would like her to cut back on the work travel, she thinks it’s fine as it is (honestly she would prefer to go on even more trips).

On my end this upset me for a few reasons. 

One, I was always led to believe that these trips were required. At the very least I have been deceived/lied to. 

Two, we have 2 children (D14, S12) that need to be run around to sports/school activities/etc. It’s very difficult for both of us to do this. When she is on travel this task becomes nearly impossible. Since we aren’t able to tag team chores I’m up late doing dishes/checking homework/etc. These trips are physically exhausting for me.

Three, in order to accommodate the kids (drop-off/pickup from school/sports/events) I get to work late and need to leave early, thus my job suffers while she is on travel. I am the primary earner making roughly 3X her salary. The loss of her job would have a small effect on our family finances. The loss of my job would devastate us financially.

Four, it’s tough on the kids. They love their mom and want her around. I try to make the week fun but when everything is hectic the stress level rises and no one enjoys it.

Five, I’ve declined travel for my job. I’ve had many opportunities to travel but have consistently turned them down because I know how difficult it is on the family. 

So my question is what do the TAM folks think about this? Do I have a right to be angry? Am I being whiney? 

Finally, I know a lot of folks are going to say watch out for infidelity. I’ve gone through her phone/bills/etc and I’m confident that there aren’t any infidelity issues. Oh and for the record we are both in our mid forties and have been together for 20 years.

Thanks,
Youngster


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

yeah, my wife travels too, and it's a lot of work to keep everything running right back home

But 'optional' sometimes doesn't really mean 'optional'. people that are willing to travel for the company are seen as team players and willing to do what it takes to improve themselves (if training or seminars), or to move the projects along (if face to face meetings).

sure, you can do conference calls nowadays, but a face to face meeting builds work relationships and helps to get stuff done.

Make sure she's collecting her airline miles and hotel stay points, so you can benefit from some free travel in the future!


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

OP,

I see where you are coming from. If my H traveled for work & I got wind that all of that travel isn't mandatory, I would feel a bit deceived too. I don't think it is unreasonable to ask her to scale down some of the travel so that family time isn't affected. Did she agree to scale some of that travel down?


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

I would consider looking for hired help while she is away. Maid service or taxi or local teenager with a car who you trust. Then make her pay for the service and if you go for a week, she can do the same. I did something similar when i had to travel and we had young kids (my parents helped out a ton and we got a friends kid to take and retrieve from functions.)


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## Youngster (Sep 5, 2014)

Hi RW, JT, ND
Thanks for the quick reply! I know what you mean by "optional".

When I was speaking with her boss at the party though I got the feeling that the travel truly was optional. 

Paraphrasing the conversation with her boss "yeah, we always have the money to send someone but I didn't feel it was necessary so we weren't going to. Your wife wanted to go so we sent her......she always wants to go.".

I don't mind trips that you should be going to or "team player" travel. Sometimes it seems to me she just wants to get away from us.......

Good idea on the maid service!


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## Youngster (Sep 5, 2014)

JustTired said:


> OP,
> 
> I see where you are coming from. If my H traveled for work & I got wind that all of that travel isn't mandatory, I would feel a bit deceived too. I don't think it is unreasonable to ask her to scale down some of the travel so that family time isn't affected. Did she agree to scale some of that travel down?


She didn't, we're still in a "discussion" about it if you know what I mean.......


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I wouldn't be surprised if getting away from it all is part of the attraction for her. At my company we have a sales manager that likes to visit our location because he has young twins at home. Unlike most visitors who tend to stay out late seeing the city when they're here he's in bed early enjoying an uninterrupted nights sleep. 

It's probably healthy as long as it's not to excess. I think you should perhaps take advantage of some of the travel offered to you at work to give yourself a chance to recharge your batteries. 

Talk it out with your wife and try to find a compromise that works for everyone.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening all
"optional" can mean very different things. Most of my travel is "optional" but there would be significant negative long term career implications if I didn't go.


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## Youngster (Sep 5, 2014)

MaritimeGuy said:


> I wouldn't be surprised if getting away from it all is part of the attraction for her. At my company we have a sales manager that likes to visit our location because he has young twins at home. Unlike most visitors who tend to stay out late seeing the city when they're here he's in bed early enjoying an uninterrupted nights sleep.
> 
> It's probably healthy as long as it's not to excess. I think you should perhaps take advantage of some of the travel offered to you at work to give yourself a chance to recharge your batteries.
> 
> Talk it out with your wife and try to find a compromise that works for everyone.


I think you're correct about her wanting to get away. I know some of the travel is required, some is on the fence and some she definitely doesn't need to go on.

Just a question to everyone since the wife and I have been arguing about it. What would you consider excessive? She's probably doing 6 weeks/year now.

I'll look into getting some travel as well, unfortunately my company doesn't send us to anywhere cool......


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## ladymisato (Aug 5, 2014)

Youngster said:


> Do I have a right to be angry? Am I being whiney?


No. Yes.

My husband knew better than to complain about my traveling. Work out he practical problems and enjoy your time alone with the kids. Be glad she is not asking you to become a SAHD.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

It doesn't have to be cool if your goal is simply some 'me' time. 

I wouldn't think 6 weeks a year is that excessive. Works out to a week every second month. 

Any chance of getting someone to watch the kids while you join her for a couple days (say the weekend) after her work commitment? Nothing like some 'us' time to keep a marriage on track.


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## Youngster (Sep 5, 2014)

ladymisato said:


> No. Yes.
> 
> My husband knew better than to complain about my traveling. Work out he practical problems and enjoy your time alone with the kids. Be glad she is not asking you to become a SAHD.



At 3X her income I can assure you that isn't going to happen!

Thanks,
Y


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## Youngster (Sep 5, 2014)

MaritimeGuy said:


> It doesn't have to be cool if your goal is simply some 'me' time.
> 
> I wouldn't think 6 weeks a year is that excessive. Works out to a week every second month.
> 
> Any chance of getting someone to watch the kids while you join her for a couple days (say the weekend) after her work commitment? Nothing like some 'us' time to keep a marriage on track.


I know, when I say 6 weeks to myself out loud it doesn't seem that bad. Some trips are shorter so she's traveling pretty much every month.

We definitely need more date nights/getaways and that's all on me.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

ladymisato said:


> No. Yes.
> 
> My husband knew better than to complain about my traveling. Work out he practical problems and enjoy your time alone with the kids. Be glad she is not asking you to become a SAHD.


WTF?

You must be joking.

I couldn't disagree more.

Number one...she was deceptive. That's a big deal, IMO.

Number 2, this is placing unnecessary burden on her husband and family. 

I think the wife has been extremely selfish here.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Youngster said:


> I know, when I say 6 weeks to myself out loud it doesn't seem that bad. Some trips are shorter so she's traveling pretty much every month.
> 
> We definitely need more date nights/getaways and that's all on me.


Maybe she could be going on a date with you instead of escaping on her own.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I think the first step is to deal with the deception, and the fallout from that. Second step is to determine the actual "mandatory" travel required. Until those things are determined, discussion of what's acceptable with regards to optional travel is premature. 

And what's ok with any of us is irrelevant to your situation. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Youngster said:


> Hi everyone,
> First time poster, long time lurker. OK so here’s my question/story;
> 
> My wife travels for work about 4-6 weeks each year. The trips are spread throughout the year so fortunately she’s usually only gone for around a week at a time. I've never been happy with her traveling but understand it’s for work and something everyone (who has a job) must do on occasion.
> ...


Sounds to me like she likes to travel. Nothing wrong with that....

On my end this upset me for a few reasons. 



Youngster said:


> One, I was always led to believe that these trips were required. At the very least I have been deceived/lied to.


Not cool...



Youngster said:


> Two, we have 2 children (D14, S12) that need to be run around to sports/school activities/etc. It’s very difficult for both of us to do this. When she is on travel this task becomes nearly impossible. Since we aren’t able to tag team chores I’m up late doing dishes/checking homework/etc. These trips are physically exhausting for me.
> 
> Three, in order to accommodate the kids (drop-off/pickup from school/sports/events) I get to work late and need to leave early, thus my job suffers while she is on travel. I am the primary earner making roughly 3X her salary. The loss of her job would have a small effect on our family finances. The loss of my job would devastate us financially.


I would tell her that kids activities have to be cut down dramatically unless she travels less.

if she doesn't, cut down on sports/events.......once the kids get effected, she might reconsider.



Youngster said:


> Four, it’s tough on the kids. They love their mom and want her around. I try to make the week fun but when everything is hectic the stress level rises and no one enjoys it.
> 
> Five, I’ve declined travel for my job. I’ve had many opportunities to travel but have consistently turned them down because I know how difficult it is on the family.
> 
> So my question is what do the TAM folks think about this? Do I have a right to be angry? Am I being whiney?


I don't think so. You love your wife and you want her around for your marriage and family. Nothing wrong with that.

Tell her above, see what she says/thinks.

Nice compromise would be to lower down the levels of travel to 1-2 a year or something along the line, but ONLY during time in which YOU job is not effected.

last resort would be for you to take on travel and give her a little taste of her own s%#$........

To sum it up
#1 deal with deception of her travel requirements> I think that's the primary concern here.

#2 reach a compromise on travel amounts

If #2 is not reached > start traveling 

Talk to her in marriage terms vs what you like/how it effects you etc. Rather than say "it's hard for me to run around etc...." say "kids miss you and need you, so do I as a husband"


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## Youngster (Sep 5, 2014)

Thanks everyone, lots of really good advice. I'm having a hard time replying to all the post but I assure you that I'm reading them all and taking them to heart.

I do have a couple of questions though....

1. What would you consider excessive travel for your spouse.

2. I realize my wife likes her job and it's important to her. In the grand scheme of things(financially) her job isn't nearly as important as my job. It seems to me this should influence how much travel she does as well. I'm by no means saying my job is super important or I'm an important person (just an engineer with lots of experience). If her travel effects my job this ultimately is far worse for our family finances.......

Oh and the deception was dealt with that night.........why I'm not addressing it as much in my posts.

Thanks again everyone,
Y


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ladymisato said:


> No. Yes.
> 
> My husband knew better than to complain about my traveling. Work out he practical problems and enjoy your time alone with the kids. Be glad she is not asking you to become a SAHD.


Be glad that she's not asking him to be a SAHD? He earns 3Xs what she earns. Him being a SAHD would make no sense at all. 

Even if she asked him to be a SAHD, all he has to do is say "NO!".


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Youngster said:


> Thanks everyone, lots of really good advice. I'm having a hard time replying to all the post but I assure you that I'm reading them all and taking them to heart.
> 
> I do have a couple of questions though....
> 
> ...


For your family, your job is super important. You wife cannot support your family.


It's hard to answer these questions without more info. If you earn $300K an year and she earns $100K a year the answer is different than if you earn $90K a year and she earns $30K a year. Income ratios only tell us so much.

The field she's in matters too. If she's in a field where it's easy to move around then she should look for a job that requires less travel because with children, home life comes first.

On the surface 6 weeks a year is not too bad, but less would be better. If you can afford to hire someone to help you while she's traveling that do that. If you cannot afford to hire help then she needs to cut her travel way back. Her travel is jeopardizing your job. Your job is too important to your family to be jeopardized.


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## skype (Sep 25, 2013)

Both my husband and I travel for our jobs--he is gone 2 weeks each month, and I travel 4 weeks a year.

It is indeed very stressful with teenagers and all of their activities, but this is what we do to make it work:

I trade planned sleep-overs with other mothers so that they take the kids to games on weeks when I'm alone. I reciprocate by having the kids sleep at our house on non-game weekends.

I make the kids help with household chores. Good training for when they are on their own. They should definitely help you with dishes and basic cleaning and laundry.

Stop coming in late and leaving early for your job. This may mean cutting back on some of the kids' activities. 

Depending on your budget, hire someone to schlep the kids around. 
This website offers people willing to help with part-time care:

https://www.care.com/

Do not smolder in silence. Talk with your wife. Brainstorm solutions together.


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

Youngster said:


> When I was speaking with her boss at the party though I got the feeling that the travel truly was optional.
> 
> Paraphrasing the conversation with her boss "yeah, we always have the money to send someone but I didn't feel it was necessary so we weren't going to. Your wife wanted to go so we sent her......she always wants to go.".


you're assuming the boss knows what he's doing...a big mistake in corporate world 

your wife might understand the team working dynamic better, or maybe she's someone that works better in person instead of over the phone or email.

Ask your wife if she can do some of these over the phone, and see what she says.

But I have known many people (men and women) that just love to travel on the company nickel. See some different places, get some meals paid for, they enjoy the hustle and bustle of the airport, act like a big shot, get new road warrior war stories, and yes, a little change from the home scene.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Seems like you maybe have a busy home life so she is using these Extra travel things to escape and get some peace and quiet. It's one thing if mandatory whole other thing if she is using it as an escape from day to day life. 

If I were you and she refused to stop the optional travel the next time she got home I would be taking a trip of my own so she can deal with the crazy home life for a few days. Fair is fair


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## Youngster (Sep 5, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> For your family, your job is super important. You wife cannot support your family.
> 
> 
> It's hard to answer these questions without more info. If you earn $300K an year and she earns $100K a year the answer is different than if you earn $90K a year and she earns $30K a year. Income ratios only tell us so much.
> ...


Hi EG,
I so wish I made 300K/year!

I'm pushing 150K and my wife is under 50K so you're correct in that we couldn't survive on her salary. 

She could switch jobs pretty easily but I'm certain she doesn't want to. Also, she enjoys the travel which is part of the issue.

Thanks,
Y


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

ladymisato said:


> No. Yes.
> 
> My husband knew better than to complain about my traveling. Work out he practical problems and enjoy your time alone with the kids. Be glad she is not asking you to become a SAHD.


:bsflag:


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## Youngster (Sep 5, 2014)

skype said:


> Both my husband and I travel for our jobs--he is gone 2 weeks each month, and I travel 4 weeks a year.
> 
> It is indeed very stressful with teenagers and all of their activities, but this is what we do to make it work:
> 
> ...


Wow, 2 weeks each month.....that's hard! You must be laughing at me!

I'll check out the link!


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## Youngster (Sep 5, 2014)

ReidWright said:


> you're assuming the boss knows what he's doing...a big mistake in corporate world
> 
> your wife might understand the team working dynamic better, or maybe she's someone that works better in person instead of over the phone or email.
> 
> ...


I think she just likes to see different places, meet different people.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Again, you're asking a question where what we say is right for us is meaningless to your situation. But I'll play your game...

Personally, I enjoyed jobs where I had a week or two of travel on my own. If there was much more than that, I'd be questioning if the person looking to travel was trying to avoid something at home. 

How much travel do you guys do as a couple? As a family?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Youngster (Sep 5, 2014)

PBear said:


> Again, you're asking a question where what we say is right for us is meaningless to your situation. But I'll play your game...
> 
> Personally, I enjoyed jobs where I had a week or two of travel on my own. *If there was much more than that, I'd be questioning if the person looking to travel was trying to avoid something at home.
> *
> ...


We usually do a week away from home vacationing every year. Holidays we travel to relatives. We try to do day trips on weekends since there is so much for the kids to see in New England.

Bolded above is what concerns me.........although I believe she just likes to travel.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

But WHY does she like to travel? Because she doesn't like being tied down with kids? Because she gets to live the single life on someone else's dime? Because she gets room service?

What about more travel as a family, and less as a business woman?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

Youngster said:


> I think she just likes to see different places, meet different people.


Sure she is just "meeting" people?

My wife goes to conventions and sometimes its like a big hookup fest. Not saying your wife's are like that but more than one person on here has caught a spouse going on work trips and sharing hotel rooms with co-workers if you get my drift (and don't EVER think "my wife would never do that", we all say that).

Considering as someone else pointed out she seems to be selfish then this is something you at least need to rule out.


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## Youngster (Sep 5, 2014)

PBear said:


> *But WHY does she like to travel?* Because she doesn't like being tied down with kids? Because she gets to live the single life on someone else's dime? Because she gets room service?
> 
> What about more travel as a family, and less as a business woman?
> 
> ...


That's the million dollar question. You've given me some ideas on what we should be talking about.

It's tough for us to travel as a family(for extended periods) much more due to family commitments and limited vacation time. We use much of our vacation visiting relatives during the holidays.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Wolf1974 said:


> ... It's one thing if mandatory whole other thing if she is using it as an escape from day to day life. ...


Exactly. She's being selfish.

Of course she likes to travel, get away from responsibilities. Who wouldn't! The husband could be doing the same, but he is not shirking his responsibilities to the family. 

She's leaving everything for her husband to deal with, and he's thinking this whole time that she HAD to for work purposes. 

She's taking advantage, and being deceptive.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Youngster said:


> That's the million dollar question. You've given me some ideas on what we should be talking about.
> 
> *It's tough for us to travel as a family(for extended periods) much more due to family commitments and limited vacation time.* We use much of our vacation visiting relatives during the holidays.


You'd have more time for family vacations if she wasn't taking trips on her own.


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## Youngster (Sep 5, 2014)

ArmyofJuan said:


> Sure she is just "meeting" people?
> 
> My wife goes to conventions and sometimes its like a big hookup fest. Not saying your wife's are like that but more than one person on here has caught a spouse going on work trips and sharing hotel rooms with co-workers if you get my drift (and don't EVER think "my wife would never do that", we all say that).
> 
> Considering as someone else pointed out she seems to be selfish then this is something you at least need to rule out.


I get what you're saying and I'm paranoid about it. I've checked her phone/emails/messages/etc. She's terrible about tech stuff so I'm sure she's not hiding anything electronically. 

I've seen the itineraries and it's never the same people/places, sometimes she's even traveling alone.


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## Youngster (Sep 5, 2014)

tulsy said:


> Exactly. She's being selfish.
> 
> Of course she likes to travel, get away from responsibilities. Who wouldn't! The husband could be doing the same, but he is not shirking his responsibilities to the family.
> 
> ...


You're saying exactly what I'm feeling inside.......


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Youngster said:


> That's the million dollar question. You've given me some ideas on what we should be talking about.
> 
> It's tough for us to travel as a family(for extended periods) much more due to family commitments and limited vacation time. We use much of our vacation visiting relatives during the holidays.


Does she agree with the priority on visiting families while on vacation? Would she still agree with that priority if her work travel was curtailed to "required" levels? 

To me, visiting family is great, but that's not necessarily how I want to spend my holidays. First off, most of them don't live anywhere interesting. Second, you're constantly juggling family visits with trying to do things you can't do at home. If I'm going to take a week off of work, I want to do things that I can't do locally. Otherwise, I'd just do them on my evenings and weekends. 

Just some thoughts... Perhaps there's compromises to be made all around. Including the kids cutting back on some of their stuff and helping out more. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## skype (Sep 25, 2013)

PBear said:


> But WHY does she like to travel? Because she doesn't like being tied down with kids? Because she gets to live the single life on someone else's dime? Because she gets room service?
> 
> What about more travel as a family, and less as a business woman?
> 
> ...


These may indeed be some of the reasons that she likes to travel, but I don't think this necessarily makes her a bad wife. 

Youngster needs to have a heart-to-heart convo with her about how her trips make him feel, and the whole family needs to come together to figure out ways to deal with her schedule. It is very manageable with a little creative thinking.

Now if his wife is dismissive of his concerns, then I would agree that she is being selfish, and Youngster should stop enabling her behavior by insisting that she only go on essential trips, and that the kids' activities be curtailed to ones that they both can manage.


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## Youngster (Sep 5, 2014)

Lila said:


> Do you take trips just the two of you (e.g. without the kids)?
> 
> I'm a working mom and I can tell you that as nice as family vacations are, they're not _really _ a "vacation". You're still on the clock working as a parent.
> 
> ...


Yeah, we haven't had a vacation with just her and I for years.......


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Youngster said:


> Yeah, we haven't had a vacation with just her and I for years.......


And I'd suggest there's part of your problem...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

skype said:


> It is indeed very stressful with teenagers and all of their activities, but this is what we do to make it work:
> 
> I trade planned sleep-overs with other mothers so that they take the kids to games on weeks when I'm alone. I reciprocate by having the kids sleep at our house on non-game weekends.



:iagree:

This is exactly what we do. Buddy up with those moms on the team activities. The kids enjoy getting to hang out with teammates / friends when this happens. 

The other thing to look forward to is that you have less than 2 years before your oldest can drive. Once that happens it is a HUGE relief since your oldest is capable of transporting herself.




skype said:


> I make the kids help with household chores. Good training for when they are on their own. They should definitely help you with dishes and basic cleaning and laundry.


Ditto again. If all three of you are picking up the slack then it's only 1/3 more work instead of double the work


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Youngster said:


> Two, we have 2 children (D14, S12) that need to be run around to sports/school activities/etc. It’s very difficult for both of us to do this. When she is on travel this task becomes nearly impossible. Since we aren’t able to tag team chores I’m up late doing dishes/checking homework/etc. These trips are physically exhausting for me.
> 
> Three, in order to accommodate the kids (drop-off/pickup from school/sports/events) I get to work late and need to leave early, thus my job suffers while she is on travel.


Why are 12 y/o and 14 y/o kids not able to do some of this independently? You should be able to leave at your normal time and they can get themselves to the bus stop on their own. Is there bus service that can take them from school to the vicinity of practice? My younger kids have to walk a couple of blocks from the bus stop to their swim practice after school. They're 10 and 14, and get themselves there on their own every day.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Youngster said:


> You're saying exactly what I'm feeling inside.......


Now it's time to communicate that (nicely) to her.....and see how she reacts.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You have a opportunity to look very weak in addressing and botching it badly so be careful.

There are certainly red flags that her "go to" activity in life is to travel without the family. Not for cheating necessarily but for her attitude. But even though I said that, no wife will be happy if she can never get any time off or time alone or time to recharge, so you have to judge carefully is time off productive or destructive? Only you can answer that.

But, where you go wrong is "discussion". This is not a discussion. You simply tell her that you don't like what she is doing.

Example: "I don't think it's fair to me or the children that you travel for work unless it's mandatory". If there is any discussion that she initiates you can come back with things like "It places an unfair burden on me. Children need their parents. We are supposed to be a team. I feel like a doormat".

Every time she twists things into "You are a jerk. You are controlling. You are a bastard. You won't let me travel". You correct her by saying "You are free to do what you want. I just pointed out that it places an unfair burden on me, and in my way of looking at things either of us should only travel for work if it is mandatory".

THAT'S IT. She can make her own decisions knowing your opinions on things in black and white.

Where you go horribly wrong is *****footing around and trying to get her to see things your way through endless conversation.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

So are these trips always or mostly to the same places?

Who does she travel with?

What does she do for a living? What does she do on these optional trips?

Is she a foodie? Does she drink much? What is her social life like at home?

What are the communications like when she is gone. Does she share much about her trips with you?


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

ladymisato said:


> No. Yes.
> 
> My husband knew better than to complain about my traveling. Work out he practical problems and enjoy your time alone with the kids. Be glad she is not asking you to become a SAHD.



What the heck?

Your husband is a SAHD. In one of your threads, you want to be the maney maker of the family.


And if OP becomes a SAHD, how would that help him financially?


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

It'll only be a couple more years before the kids can drive themselves. Can she cut back her travel a little the next 2 years to help you out?


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

While insay never say never on cheating...

Insee no red flags for cheating.

I see a red flag for escaping...


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

weightlifter said:


> While insay never say never on cheating...
> 
> Insee no red flags for cheating.
> 
> I see a red flag for escaping...


I agree that is the spin here. But one major way of escaping is to mix in some cheating or at the very least pushing the envelope.

The thing is that Isolation is often a component.

I really would like to see if he can answer my questions about about her trips.

Escaping --check
Cheating? -- TBD


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Just not feeling the cheating end from what he wrote... 

Lol then remember how long it took badco to prove his gut..


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

weightlifter said:


> Just not feeling the cheating end from what he wrote...
> 
> Lol then remember how long it took badco to prove his gut..


I am not either. I will be honest though, I am trying to not go by feelings on these as those can be manipulated so readily by trickle truth.

Need more info period here.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

She's not there partying. It helps her career. You shouldn't be angry. I agree with other posters that you could hire some help while she is away. And maybe, schedule a few days off for yourself once in a while so you don't feel so much resentment.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> While insay never say never on cheating...
> 
> Insee no red flags for cheating.
> 
> I see a red flag for escaping...



I did a lot of business travel back about 15 years ago. Which was silly as we had pretty awesome videoconference capabilities...

Let me be the first to admit that escaping is an incredible benefit of business travel. A couple days in a nice hotel.... Food, drinks, the feeling you have when you play corporate warrior... 

A lot of it is to escape... Not because of real important business reasons. Microsoft was just as unhelpful and hoity toity at Redmond as they were on conference calls.... (Not to pick at my friends there incidentally !!)


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

moxy said:


> She's not there partying. It helps her career. You shouldn't be angry. I agree with other posters that you could hire some help while she is away. And maybe, schedule a few days off for yourself once in a while so you don't feel so much resentment.


Actually partying can help your career. Much of the business travel I have seen, there has been plenty of partying going on. What happens on the road stays on the road for some.

But this is why I asked what she did on these trips. I have taken many a trip where we worked around the clock and there was no partying. But they were not the optional type. The optional type lends itself to a whole other thing. We just do not know here.

I know a lot of people that just love to travel and they are hard core partiers. 

Not assuming she is, but not assuming she is not either. Being a partier does not mean you are sleeping with others but that can happen. This is part of the escape.

I enjoy traveling these days. Most of my travel is optional. I try not to over do it. When I go to conventions I invite my wife.

My female colleagues are continually under siege by male vendors trying to get them for the night. Seriously. It is hilarious. But we c0ckbl0ck.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

moxy said:


> She's not there partying. It helps her career. You shouldn't be angry.* I agree with other posters that you could hire some help while she is away.* And maybe, schedule a few days off for yourself once in a while so you don't feel so much resentment.


Let me chime in on the "hire some help" chorus. Hire a maid/nanny type to handle the kids and some house work and a PI to get the real skinny on the trip.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

LOL. I think a PI is a little far gone here. :rofl:

Odds are she is just escaping her current circumstances. But this does warrant further interest.
Hopefully he will give us some additional information.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Entropy3000 said:


> LOL. I think a PI is a little far gone here. :rofl:
> 
> Odds are she is just escaping her current circumstances. But this does warrant further interest.
> Hopefully he will give us some additional information.


I disagree. Unless there's another way of confirming that she's not cheating on these trips. I know there's very little to base it on in this thread but my gut says cheating here. You have no experience with my gut so I don't expect you to go along with it but I trust it. In fact, I trust it so much that I'll make a bet with you. Whichever one of us is wrong about this has to take Rookie4 off his ignore list. High stakes, I know, but I'm willing to make that bet.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> You'd have more time for family vacations if she wasn't taking trips on her own.


More time, arguably but if these trips are sponsored by her work, I'm guessing they don't count as actual legal "vacation time." Her being home from these trips isn't going to make the company give her four weeks and a paid couples vacay to Hawaii. 

Also, if the kids are in so many activities it's a big burden, tell them they need to choose or you need to start a carpool with other parents or something. There's no busing provided to some of these sports/school events?


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## CluelessWif (Jun 20, 2014)

Honestly 6 weeks is not excessive. She is doing it to further her career, and I don't see why that should be a bad thing. In addition, even if she needs a couple of days away every once in a while, why is that bad? Some people require solitude. I do. I adore my husband and my children, but if I don't get the occasional bit of silence and solitude I will go insane.

Here is the real question you need to ask yourself: are you willing to damage your marriage to change this. It sounds like the travel is pretty damned important to her, as is her career. If you take her right to make decisions about her career away she will resent you for it. That leaves a very long lasting mark. It sounds like you guys are generally happy. Hire a sitter and take some time for yourself as well.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

Nucking Futs said:


> Let me chime in on the "hire some help" chorus. Hire a maid/nanny type to handle the kids and some house work and a PI to get the real skinny on the trip.


Maybe hire a full time maid to stay at home. Espcially one that can wear one of those French maid's outfits!

That should curtail the week long trips.

BTW, why are they week long trips? Most conferences nowadays are two days long. Why can she not come home in the middle of the week?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

weightlifter said:


> Just not feeling the cheating end from what he wrote...
> 
> Lol then remember how long it took badco to prove his gut..


He had a PI on her but didn't really prove anything right?:scratchhead:
Unless I had missing time being abducted and all.
Thank you Art Bell.


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## Youngster (Sep 5, 2014)

Hi everyone,
Sorry I didn't get the chance to log in last night. I really appreciate all the feedback! I'll try to answer some of the questions below;

-She's in training, usually she hits the same places but only once a year. Sometimes traveling alone, sometimes in a group. This concerned me as well so I did some snooping/asked questions.
-Optional trips are when she goes to training classes. I believe she also goes to train folks when they want it but it isn't required.
-She's not a big drinker/partier but does like to socialize.
-Communication is good when she is gone, we'll text 2-3 times during the day and she'll call in the evening to speak with the kids and I.
-Infidelity has concerned me as well, hence my monitoring of electronic communication. I don't have access to her work email so I am stuck on that one. 
-Good ideas on the maid service and getting the children to help out more. It's tough leaving the kids for the bus. The buses come at different times(6:30 and 7:30) and we're on a country road.....I'm not comfortable having them out there by themselves.

Thanks again everyone,
Y


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

tom67 said:


> He had a PI on her but didn't really prove anything right?:scratchhead:
> Unless I had missing time being abducted and all.
> Thank you Art Bell.


The marriage was dead otherwise. She stopped hiding so well one they decided to D and he got her on GPS going to his house. It was exactly who he thought it was. It was a low intensity workplace affair. Not all affairs are 24/7 fvckfests.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

ladymisato said:


> My husband knew better than to complain about my traveling. Work out he practical problems and enjoy your time alone with the kids. Be glad she is not asking you to become a SAHD.


 She makes 1/3 of what the OP makes, why on earth would she have the right to ask him to be a SAHD? The arrogance of your comment indicates that you believe that what a wife wants is all that matters, and that what a husband wants is unimportant. You may have it such that your husband "knew better than to complain" about your travel, but some of us men prefer to be in marriages where our wives respect our opinions even if they disagree with them.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Youngster said:


> 1. What would you consider excessive travel for your spouse.


 6 times a year, such that she is gone 1 week out of every 8 is excessive, especially since she only brings home 25% of the family income, and her travel negatively impacts your career which brings home 75% of the family income. BTW, gender is not a factor in this, as I would say the same thing if you (the OP) were a wife. It is all about what is best for the family's income, and the unfairness of not dumping family responsible on the other spouse 1 out of every 8 weeks when it is not required by your work. She should travel only when it is required by her work, or if it would clearly help her career.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Nucking Futs said:


> I disagree. Unless there's another way of confirming that she's not cheating on these trips. I know there's very little to base it on in this thread but my gut says cheating here. You have no experience with my gut so I don't expect you to go along with it but I trust it. In fact, I trust it so much that I'll make a bet with you. Whichever one of us is wrong about this has to take Rookie4 off his ignore list. High stakes, I know, but I'm willing to make that bet.


I do not wager about my boundaries. Including the ignore list.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Youngster said:


> Hi everyone,
> Sorry I didn't get the chance to log in last night. I really appreciate all the feedback! I'll try to answer some of the questions below;
> 
> -She's in training, usually she hits the same places but only once a year. Sometimes traveling alone, sometimes in a group. This concerned me as well so I did some snooping/asked questions.
> ...


Very vague on the travel still. Even with this explanation. 

The question about who she travels with did not indicate from you whether there is a particular guy traveling with her. Then again you probably would not be aware anyway.

But the biggest concern is why you think of her being unfaithful. Why?

But the bigger picture. Some parents go overboard with their kids activities and it ends up killing the marriage. So think about that.

It sounds like you are taking on an unfair part of this deal. I suggest you ask her to cut back on this travel as it is asking you to do way too much.

You said nothing about her normal at home social life. If one of you nees to take breaks from being married / parents, I think that maybe you need to take a look at this balance with the kids.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I think you should stay away from any talk of your work being more important that hers. Yes you make more money but many people get more from their jobs than just money. I don't think you want to invalidate her efforts.

I really think you want to avoid turning this into a combative issue. Yes you have concerns about managing the household while she's travelling for work. To me this is the important issue that you and her need to talk about and deal with.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

the maid thing might be the trick. get one in to help with the kids/cleaning/etc. I can see the eventual conversation:

wife: how much are you paying nancy
you: oh, X dollars a week to help out for the 4 days
wife: You pay her X DOLLARs A WEEK? I only take home X + 200 dollars a week total
you: yeah?? so.....

it gets the points across that her job is not that much more important than a maid's, that she does not contribute all that much financially, and that she should be helping out at home a whole lot more.


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## Youngster (Sep 5, 2014)

Hi everyone,
Again thanks for all the feedback, my apologies for not checking into TAM. My wife is on travel this week(hence the timing of my original post) so things have been pretty crazy.

This weekend I'm going to sit down with my wife and discuss her work travel. My opinion is that required travel is OK but optional travel will need to be dialed back, considerably if not completely. I'm also hoping to bring up the idea of a maid/helper service to see where that conversation leads.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Hope it goes well bud!


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## Bubbagumps (Mar 3, 2015)

Any updates on this, I am in a simalare boat.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Youngster,

This type situation you need to use a simple decision tree.

1. If she continues despite my not liking it, will I divorce her?
A. Yes
B. No

1.A. Tell her this is a divorce catalyst if it continues
1.B. Tell her that you would prefer her to dial back, but if these trips really are a big deal to her, you'll hire someone to back fill for her while she's away.

It's a huge mistake to 'demand' a behavior change if you aren't willing to end the marriage over it. Because if she calls your bluff, it will damage her trust in you. A divorce bluff is the height of manipulation.....

As to her motives - absent reasonable cause to suspect infidelity - leave her motives alone. When you love someone it's sufficient to know that 'XYZ' is really important to them. 

If she is truly a good wife 46 weeks out of 52 - than you are a lucky man. 





Youngster said:


> Hi everyone,
> Again thanks for all the feedback, my apologies for not checking into TAM. My wife is on travel this week(hence the timing of my original post) so things have been pretty crazy.
> 
> This weekend I'm going to sit down with my wife and discuss her work travel. My opinion is that required travel is OK but optional travel will need to be dialed back, considerably if not completely. I'm also hoping to bring up the idea of a maid/helper service to see where that conversation leads.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

As for the maid/helper service - you don't present that as a request. You simply let her know that you will be hiring a person / company for the dates when she travels. 

And don't debate it. Just do it. She doesn't get to dictate what happens in her absence.....




Youngster said:


> Hi everyone,
> Again thanks for all the feedback, my apologies for not checking into TAM. My wife is on travel this week(hence the timing of my original post) so things have been pretty crazy.
> 
> This weekend I'm going to sit down with my wife and discuss her work travel. My opinion is that required travel is OK but optional travel will need to be dialed back, considerably if not completely. I'm also hoping to bring up the idea of a maid/helper service to see where that conversation leads.


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## Youngster (Sep 5, 2014)

Wow, really sorry I never got back to this thread to update it. 

Well, stepping back in time, my wife came back that weekend and.......I didn't do anything. The week with the kids was hard, I was stressed from work and I really didn't feel like I had a healthy way to address the situation. My wife knew I was cranked, I don't hide my emotions well.....so I stewed. For the most part we tried to avoid one another. I made it until about the middle of the following week until I blew. 

I remember I had all these pertinent points to make but with my emotions running so high I had trouble conveying my ideas.....in retrospect we would have had a more constructive conversation if we had dealt with it as soon as she got home. She was defensive and said I was being unreasonable and she was in the right. She liked her job and didn't think the travel was a problem. I said her job should be secondary to both the family and my job(since I'm the primary wage earner). Toward the end of our argument(when it was at it's peak) I lost it and finally said something to the effect "you want travel, I'll give you f'in travel. I'll find a position as a FAE(I'm currently a design engineer) and I'll travel 30% of the time. Then you can sit home with all the responsibilities and see how it feels......"

Well, there were some other things said but that pretty much ended the argument. It was a couple of days later before we really started talking again. 

It's funny because I distinctly remember the first part of the conversation once we started talking again. Her words were "so you would really want to be an FAE and be gone that often?" I replied(paraphrasing) "I'd rather be gone all the time than be stuck at home with you gone all the time." She didn't like that and countered something to the effect "I like traveling for work, you don't care for it as much". I told her it didn't matter whether I liked it or not, I would do what I needed to do.

After that we kind of calmed down and talked about what was and wasn't appropriate amounts of travel and work hours. We agreed that work travel is fine but optional work travel is not. Unfortunately for me I can't always determine which is which. Having said that she hasn't traveled since her September trip and isn't traveling again until June.

I wish I could say I was Mr. Alpha or my reasoning swayed her stance. In reality I think the threat of me not being around had an effect on her....that her life would get a lot harder with me gone so often. Also, I wasn't bluffing and she knew it. I had a chance to be an FAE a few years back and turned it down although the opportunity to this day still intrigues me.


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## Kahlil Gibran (Jan 27, 2014)

So, basically she didn’t like idea of the shoe being on the other foot? Not to step on toes, but your wife doesn’t sound very fair or reasonable.

Typically the job that pays more comes at a price. More stress and more demands. To have to scramble to placate her job (that pays 1/3 less) and add extra home stress/burden on the person who already has the more important (financially) job is completely backwards.

You are being done wrong, plain and simple.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Wow 
That ended like the last Sopranos episode.:scratchhead::scratchhead:
Are you remotely happy with this?

You can't control her but YOU can control with what you will put up with.
That's all I have bro.


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## CincyBluesFan (Feb 27, 2015)

Youngster said:


> Wow, really sorry I never got back to this thread to update it.
> 
> Well, stepping back in time, my wife came back that weekend and.......I didn't do anything. The week with the kids was hard, I was stressed from work and I really didn't feel like I had a healthy way to address the situation. My wife knew I was cranked, I don't hide my emotions well.....so I stewed. For the most part we tried to avoid one another. I made it until about the middle of the following week until I blew.
> 
> ...


Work travel sucks. Jobs are just jobs. More people should read "Five Regrets of The Dying." http://www.amazon.com/The-Top-Five-Regrets-Dying/dp/140194065X. Nobody at the end of their life ever regrets not working harder or spending more time in their career. Only when it's too late do they realize how insignificant jobs are. Like the company you're giving your life to gives two sh*ts about you or your family.


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## Youngster (Sep 5, 2014)

Kahlil Gibran said:


> So, basically she didn’t like idea of the shoe being on the other foot? Not to step on toes, but your wife doesn’t sound very fair or reasonable.
> 
> Typically the job that pays more comes at a price. More stress and more demands. To have to scramble to placate her job (that pays 1/3 less) and add extra home stress/burden on the person who already has the more important (financially) job is completely backwards.
> 
> You are being done wrong, plain and simple.


That's totally how I feel.


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## Youngster (Sep 5, 2014)

tom67 said:


> Wow
> That ended like the last Sopranos episode.:scratchhead::scratchhead:
> Are you remotely happy with this?
> 
> ...


To be honest I'm not sure. I mean, I'm happy with the outcome, she's traveling a whole lot less(for now). I wish I would have handled it a little differently, without the big argument. I wish she would have seen my perspective all along and we never got to this point.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Youngster said:


> That's totally how I feel.


I have this approach too, even though it seems like a lot of people today don't -- if you have a "primary" income and a "supplemental" income, the person with the supplemental income job doesn't get to also put all kinds of extra unnecessary strains on the relationship to do non-necessary work stuff. If you do extra stuff for work, it has to be to further your career and earning potential, not just because you like the fantasy and escape of it.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Isn't it funny how quick people change their minds when the shoe is on the other foot?

I need to get that tattooed somewhere on my body because I keep forgetting it.


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

I travel for my job and so does my husband. We have 4 children.

I could conference call some of it, other trips, not so much.

How often I travel is between my employer and me and the demands of my job, and the family works it out. I put as much into my career as DH does even though his salary is higher. I have worked around his travel many times. We both understand that we need our jobs, we have invested in our careers, and family responsibilities will sometimes have to be shouldered by one instead of two for a few days.

If my H EVER tried to manipulate me or my work travel by using the children (we'll have to cut down on some of THEIR activities since you are on travel) there would be hell to pay.

And one other thing...business travel isn't the fun filled escape some of you think it is. This is 2015, women work too. Six weeks out of 52 is nothing. Try being the spouse of deployed military then come back and whine.

Edited to add....suppose something would happen to your job, or to you? Your wife would become the primary breadwinner. She needs to keep her skillset up to date just as much as you, and sometimes that meaning training and travel.


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## Kahlil Gibran (Jan 27, 2014)

LonelyinLove said:


> I travel for my job and so does my husband. We have 4 children.
> 
> I could conference call some of it, other trips, not so much.
> 
> ...


You must have missed the point that a lot of the travel was OPTIONAL.


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

Kahlil Gibran said:


> You must have missed the point that a lot of the travel was OPTIONAL.


I didn't miss it at all.

Optional can be subjective. Yes, you may skip this training, but the next promotion you want may require it.

I work in employee education and training...you better take it when you can get it.

And PS...most companies don't fund corporate training travel for the fun and entertainment of the staff. If she is going to training she is learning for the benefit of the company...that entity that PAYS her...


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## Youngster (Sep 5, 2014)

LonelyinLove said:


> I travel for my job and so does my husband. We have 4 children.
> 
> I could conference call some of it, other trips, not so much.
> 
> ...


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## CincyBluesFan (Feb 27, 2015)

Seriously, most of you need to read Top Five Regrets of The Dying before it's too late.


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## Youngster (Sep 5, 2014)

LonelyinLove said:


> I didn't miss it at all.
> 
> Optional can be subjective. Yes, you may skip this training, but the next promotion you want may require it.
> 
> ...


Well you missed a couple of things. As stated up-thread, she's in training as in she is a trainer(she gives courses, trains other people). And PS she works for a government agency that's always sending people to events.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

I think if the travel is optional but also career-advancing, the key is just to figure out "How much of the time do I need to say yes to be seen as a go-getter?" and you say yes that much of the time. Much in the same way that, if you're trying to get a good grade in a class and there's a participation bonus, you try to participate enough that you get the bonus, but not so much that you become the class jerk.


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

Youngster said:


> Well you missed a couple of things. As stated up-thread, she's in training as in she is a trainer(she gives courses, trains other people). And PS she works for a government agency that's always sending people to events.


Mmmm....I wonder if I know her, as I too, work for a government agency that sends people to events and trains the trainers....

If she works for the US government, I can tell you..."optional" is just another word for mandatory. Very little training is an option and if the agency is willing to pay for it, it probably IS mandatory, the word optional is used to coddle HR.


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## Youngster (Sep 5, 2014)

LonelyinLove said:


> Mmmm....I wonder if I know her, as I too, work for a government agency that sends people to events and trains the trainers....
> 
> If she works for the US government, I can tell you..."optional" is just another word for mandatory. Very little training is an option and if the agency is willing to pay for it, it probably IS mandatory, the word optional is used to coddle HR.


This is from the first post......

_A couple of weeks ago, at a work party, I found out that not all of these trips are mandatory and many are in fact optional. I confronted her on this and she admitted that she doesn't have to go to all of these events but it’s what she likes most about her job. I would like her to cut back on the work travel, she thinks it’s fine as it is (honestly she would prefer to go on even more trips)._

Now if she said "well they're optional but it's better for my career" that's another conversation. That's not what happened, it was clearly stated that these trips were in fact optional. Her co-workers(and boss) at the party clearly stated that the trips weren't required.....if they are truly required it's on her to tell me that. 

Another part of the conversation(assuming all the travel is required) is what is an appropriate amount of travel? Having her gone for 6 weeks sucks but we do get through it. She was looking to ramp it up though. At what point is it too much travel? 12 weeks? 18 weeks? 24 weeks? I'm sorry but that's not the kind of marriage I signed up for.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Youngster said:


> Now if she said "well they're optional but it's better for my career" that's another conversation. That's not what happened, it was clearly stated that these trips were in fact optional. Her co-workers(and boss) at the party clearly stated that the trips weren't required.....if they are truly required it's on her to tell me that.
> 
> Another part of the conversation(assuming all the travel is required) is what is an appropriate amount of travel? Having her gone for 6 weeks sucks but we do get through it. She was looking to ramp it up though. At what point is it too much travel? 12 weeks? 18 weeks? 24 weeks? I'm sorry but that's not the kind of marriage I signed up for.


The thing is, there's no "right" answer. In some couples the partner never travels. In others, one partner is in the military, or a traveling salesman, or both are professors with jobs in different states. And everything in between. I don't mean to say that those kinds of marriages are ok for everyone -- most people can't deal with their spouse traveling all the time, or working in another state. Some people can. What matters is what YOU and YOUR WIFE feel ok with. She likes traveling, you don't like her being on the road so much. It seems like the only solution is for you to work out a compromise. If this much travel is too much, talk to her, explain why. Tell her that you want her to be happy and you recognize that she enjoys the travel, but you also feel like it puts a strain on you or the relationship because ____. You're ok with her traveling sometimes, just not as much as she does, but you're willing to work out an agreement on how much.


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

John Lee said:


> The thing is, there's no "right" answer. In some couples the partner never travels. In others, one partner is in the military, or a traveling salesman, or both are professors with jobs in different states. And everything in between. I don't mean to say that those kinds of marriages are ok for everyone -- most people can't deal with their spouse traveling all the time, or working in another state. Some people can. What matters is what YOU and YOUR WIFE feel ok with. She likes traveling, you don't like her being on the road so much. It seems like the only solution is for you to work out a compromise. If this much travel is too much, talk to her, explain why. Tell her that you want her to be happy and you recognize that she enjoys the travel, but you also feel like it puts a strain on you or the relationship because ____. You're ok with her traveling sometimes, just not as much as she does, but you're willing to work out an agreement on how much.


I agree, but it's all in the approach. A needy, clingy man whining that SHE gets to travel while he has to take care of the kids while she's gone??? "Tough titties" would be my response. You are 50% of the parent partnership. You are parenting, not baby-sitting. 

Now, if the H can present valid reasons ( and by valid I don't mean because he is inconvenienced) and maintain a civil discussion then by all means bring it up. 

But be prepared that she can and will validate her training needs as well.

This is why my boss and my DH will never meet.....


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Although, I think that part of the problem here is that there is something you don't trust about her traveling, maybe in part because she never told you it was optional. This might be giving you the feeling that she wants to escape and is hiding it from you. I can see how that might make you uneasy. It could be completely innocent -- I think everyone with families likes the occasional escape, whether they do it through work, travel, hobbies, tv, etc. But six weeks a year purely for escape does seem a little excessive, if it's really true that this does nothing at all to advance her career (although, to be honest, I'm scratching my head a little, as I can't quite understand how it could be the case that volunteering to do something FOR WORK would not make you look good to your boss and help your career).


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

LonelyinLove said:


> I agree, but it's all in the approach. A needy, clingy man whining that SHE gets to travel while he has to take care of the kids while she's gone??? "Tough titties" would be my response. You are 50% of the parent partnership. You are parenting, not baby-sitting.
> 
> Now, if the H can present valid reasons ( and by valid I don't mean because he is inconvenienced) and maintain a civil discussion then by all means bring it up.
> 
> ...


I don't like your post at all, I think it's very insulting.

If you had actually read the thread, he makes about three times as much money as she does. That's part of the partnership too. He shouldn't have 75% of the earning burden and MORE than 50% of the parenting burden, just so his wife can enjoy herself.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

It is weird how "no more optional travel," he never said ALL, is being whiny.


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

John Lee said:


> I don't like your post at all, I think it's very insulting.
> 
> If you had actually read the thread, he makes about three times as much money as she does. That's part of the partnership too. He shouldn't have 75% of the earning burden and MORE than 50% of the parenting burden, just so his wife can enjoy herself.


What has his salary got to do with anything unless he is paying for her travel?

She is going to TRAINING. She is a trainer and probably travels for that as well.

There are certifications and CEU requirements that must be met by certain government positions. My own job has an 80 hour annual CEU requirement and I do travel to complete the training. 

My H travels too and has very heavy work responsibilities...he takes calls even from his sick bed.

I had cardiac surgery 3 years ago...I was in the hospital a month, and recovery was several months before I could really do any meaningful housework. Job, home, kids, sick wife....all on the hubs. 

He had 95% of the family responsibilities. 

Was that fair? No. But it is life. 

And the OP really needs to get unstuck on the "optional" thing....if she says it's "optional" is he going to assume she shouldn't go? She probably knows this, so why would she be honest if he is going to give her crap about going to "optional" training?

Optional to the boss...maybe. For her future career planning it might be mandatory to her.

Those kids are old enough to help around the house (two of my kids are around the same age) and if he has such a high powered job he should be experienced with delegation and negotiation. There is no reason that a grown man and kids that age cannot survive a week or two without mom holding their hands.

What is insulting is the assumption that her salary makes her the lower man on the family career pole. 

Compare the salaries of police, fire and military against that of 
lawyers, bankers and CEO's and add in a bad situation at your house and who do want to come to your aid? The highest paid desk jockey or the person with the skillset to save your butt. 

He might be surprised what supporting her career goals could do for the relationship. 

There is a way to say things and a way not to say things...that's what I was trying to explain. Reach my heart, great. Piss me off, not so much.


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## Youngster (Sep 5, 2014)

LonelyinLove said:


> I agree, but it's all in the approach. A needy, clingy man whining that SHE gets to travel while he has to take care of the kids while she's gone??? "Tough titties" would be my response. You are 50% of the parent partnership. You are parenting, not baby-sitting.
> 
> Now, if the H can present valid reasons ( and by valid I don't mean because he is inconvenienced) and maintain a civil discussion then by all means bring it up.
> 
> ...


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

John Lee said:


> I don't like your post at all, I think it's very insulting.
> 
> If you had actually read the thread, he makes about three times as much money as she does. That's part of the partnership too. He shouldn't have 75% of the earning burden and MORE than 50% of the parenting burden, just so his wife can enjoy herself.


Oh, and PS...I don't like your post either...you must not travel for business. There is very little to enjoy about it, even if there are receptions and social functions. 

You carry a laptop, an extra tote for papers, a blackberry so you can be reached 24/7, you train all day and do your other work in the evenings. You have all that crap searched at the airport and if you work for the government you don't travel business class (at least not at her salary level), no one does your job while you are on travel and you come home to a full in-box. 

Yeah, business travel, it's really a load of fun...not!


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## jojo717 (Dec 17, 2013)

my wife travels for work and for a number of reasons this has become a major marriage threatening issue over the past 3-4 years (no known infidelity and 98 likely that nothing close has ever occurred but I've definitely become uncomfortable with some of the relationships/friendships that have developed with some of her business colleagues that she sees at confernces, etc)

long story short I've made it very clear in the past 18 months that I'm done making this easy for her and have asked her to limit travel to the absolutely necessary which she has done

(her company hosts 4 events/year that she must attend and there have been 3 other events that were not optional and she attended)

historically our incomes have been about equal though I've struggled in my sales job for the past 3 years while she has received promotions, etc

it is not in any way out of line for you to ask her to minimize the travel

it definitely sounds to me like she is using the travel more for personal enrichment than career advancement

a little of that is ok but I can tell you it can get out of hand very quickly

for me it has become a crucible as she has resisted my requests for us to have trips together

especially being that you make 75% of the income in the home-her travel should be minimized if it is interfering with your job in any way

(wife's travel definitely cost me over time as it seemed murphy's law was true that things always went crazy when she was gone)


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## CincyBluesFan (Feb 27, 2015)

jojo717 said:


> my wife travels for work and for a number of reasons this has become a major marriage threatening issue over the past 3-4 years (no known infidelity and 98 likely that nothing close has ever occurred but I've definitely become uncomfortable with some of the relationships/friendships that have developed with some of her business colleagues that she sees at confernces, etc)
> 
> long story short I've made it very clear in the past 18 months that I'm done making this easy for her and have asked her to limit travel to the absolutely necessary which she has done
> 
> ...


Somebody who wants to travel that much for work doesn't really want to be married.


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## jojo717 (Dec 17, 2013)

the income disparity is great enough in this case that it absolutely plays a role

the greater issue is that the wife lied or at least misrepresented the travel in question

huge


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

LonelyinLove said:


> What has his salary got to do with anything unless he is paying for her travel?
> 
> She is going to TRAINING. She is a trainer and probably travels for that as well.
> 
> ...


You're being very defensive and talking about a lot of stuff that's not really relevant. My point has nothing to do with who's "lower on the totem pole." My point is that when a family has income needs, there is a certain logic to prioritizing the career of the person with greater earning power. That's real partnership. When a basketball team is on the floor, you don't give everyone an equal number of shots -- you give the ball to the guy who can hit threes when he's behind the arc, and you get the ball to the big man when he's under the rim. People play roles and the whole team benefits. 

If the travel is really important for her career, I still think she should do it. He claims that she admits that it isn't, that she just enjoys it. I even questioned whether that's true, but if it is, then she should be willing to compromise on it. We all enjoy a lot of things, but some of them have to take a backseat in marriage.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Welcome to TAM, you will get awesome advice even when it goes against what you believe. The flip side is people will project their own issues, problems, gender biases and shortcomings into your marriage. Take what you need and don't worry about he misreading and projections.

The two biggest problems on TAM, IMO, are gender bias from both sides and instant divorce rants. Look past those comments and it is a really helpful board.


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## jojo717 (Dec 17, 2013)

CincyBluesFan said:


> Somebody who wants to travel that much for work doesn't really want to be married.


I don't think that's true 
especially since she has cut it down to the bare minimum that she can do and still function with her work

she is the editor of a business journal and she has to cover certain events for the magazine as well as network in order to meet people that she then needs to get signed up to speak/present/attend her company's own conferences

that said-she has been an overprotective parent and resisted allowing my folks to watch our kids for no good reason which has prevented me from joining her on any of her trips as well as prevented us from having our own getaways

we have definitely been living separate lives for years and it has taken a toll

it has been in crisis mode for 18 months and wearing on both of us (another issue is something I posted about when I joined this site concerning a story she wrote that she refused to share with me but shared with one of her male business colleagues
...I'm 99.99999999999% there is no affair between them though he makes inappropriate comments to her via e mail, I snooped, and she doesn't ask him to stop)

sort of at the end of my rope on this and the business travel wouldn't be an issue if she hadn't resisted couples getaways that I set up or suggested

(since having our first child in 2001 we have spent 7 nights alone as a couple and we had perfectly acceptable family members only 2 hours away begging to watch the kids who had a history of watching my brother's kids so there was no reason to resist)

I know this is 1st world problems but it is driving me nuts


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

Youngster said:


> Just wow, I can't even respond.....there's no arguing with crazy.


That's right....project a little...:scratchhead:

When you can't respond with reason resort to name calling. :rofl:

There is nothing crazy at all about what I said...I do the same type of work and I know what the expectations are, both for present certifications and future promotions.

Did it ever occur to you that the "boss" was doing a little dirty work of his own? Maybe he is uncomfortable with her networking and learning on these trips and thought he could put a cog in the works by telling you that. There are a lot of people that are very territorial and jealous in the corporate world, even when they are higher up the food chain.

If your kids were toddlers or preschoolers I could understand, but they are not. You are an adult and your children are not babies.

Mess with your wife's career at your own peril dude.


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## Youngster (Sep 5, 2014)

John Lee said:


> You're being very defensive and talking about a lot of stuff that's not really relevant. My point has nothing to do with who's "lower on the totem pole." My point is that when a family has income needs, there is a certain logic to prioritizing the career of the person with greater earning power. That's real partnership. When a basketball team is on the floor, you don't give everyone an equal number of shots -- you give the ball to the guy who can hit threes when he's behind the arc, and you get the ball to the big man when he's under the rim. People play roles and the whole team benefits.
> 
> If the travel is really important for her career, I still think she should do it. He claims that she admits that it isn't, that she just enjoys it. I even questioned whether that's true, but if it is, then she should be willing to compromise on it. We all enjoy a lot of things, but some of them have to take a backseat in marriage.


Even if our salaries were equal there's a certain amount of fairness involved. For the spouse and the children. 

If the travel was required that's one conversation, how do we make this work. I was told by her that it was not required(hard for her to deny after finding out at the party) which is a where we're at.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

LonelyinLove said:


> That's right....project a little...:scratchhead:
> 
> When you can't respond with reason resort to name calling. :rofl:
> 
> ...


Perhaps you missed the part where he mentioned that this is interfering with HIS job. What about the peril of messing with your husband's career, when he's the primary earner?


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## Youngster (Sep 5, 2014)

LonelyinLove said:


> Oh, and PS...I don't like your post either...you must not travel for business. There is very little to enjoy about it, even if there are receptions and social functions.
> 
> You carry a laptop, an extra tote for papers, a blackberry so you can be reached 24/7, you train all day and do your other work in the evenings. You have all that crap searched at the airport and if you work for the government you don't travel business class (at least not at her salary level), no one does your job while you are on travel and you come home to a full in-box.
> 
> Yeah, business travel, it's really a load of fun...not!


If you can't handle it maybe you should leave traveling to the whiney men.


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## Youngster (Sep 5, 2014)

LonelyinLove said:


> That's right....project a little...:scratchhead:
> 
> When you can't respond with reason resort to name calling. :rofl:
> 
> ...


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

Youngster said:


> If you can't handle it maybe you should leave traveling to the whiney men.


I would gladly if they could be trusted to stay out of the bars and off the golf course, do their jobs and keep the agency out of the negative headlines, but until that day, I must travel.....


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Youngster said:


> If you can't handle it maybe you should leave traveling to the whiney men.


Okay, let me be a little more blunt. The ban stick has been used frequently in the last few weeks. Many of them have resulted from issues just like this one. Calm down, ignore the posts and do not get baited.


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## Youngster (Sep 5, 2014)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Okay, let me be a little more blunt. The ban stick has been used frequently in the last few weeks. Many of them have resulted from issues just like this one. Calm down, ignore the posts and do not get baited.


How do I get this thread locked/deleted? I was looking for some advice......not this circus.


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Okay, let me be a little more blunt. The ban stick has been used frequently in the last few weeks. Many of them have resulted from issues just like this one. Calm down, ignore the posts and do not get baited.


hey now, I was not offended at all....just a discussion with drama


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Youngster said:


> How do I get this thread locked/deleted? I was looking for some advice......not this circus.


Relax. I think you are getting good advice, just look at it differently.

If you take out all of the logical fallacies and projection there are a few valid points being made:

6 weeks isn't a ton, but you need to address the deception. I think that bothers you more than anything.

You do not want to appear clingy, but if travel affects work, woman or man, primary salary is an IMPORTANT factor especially with children.

Read between the lines. Just like your wife, these posters know which travel options are legit and which ones are unnecessary for career advancement.


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## CincyBluesFan (Feb 27, 2015)

Youngster said:


> How do I get this thread locked/deleted? I was looking for some advice......not this circus.


My advice is more honest heart to heart talks with the wife about traveling for work in general by both of you. Jobs and money are the two dumbest things couples argue about. Sometimes to the destruction of the marriage. When you're 80 years old you'll both see how dumb jobs and money are. Try to wake up to that now and not when you're 80 and full of regret. I used to be in the service. I missed the first 4 birthdays of our oldest child. I vowed never to put a job ahead of family ever again and that has made a huge difference in how healthy our relationship is. 29 years married and still in love.


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

If OP's salary has no relevance here then maybe he should quite his job and even travel with his wife?

of course that doesn't make any sense because his salary does have relevance.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

When my wife and I were younger and starting out in life, I chose a career that required extra schooling, earned more money (about twice my wife's salary), and had significantly longer hours. My wife chose a career that was lower-paying but very stable, with shorter hours. We are 50% equal partners in our MARRIAGE. That doesn't mean that, on top of working longer hours, I have to do exactly 50% of the housework, 50% of the childcare, etc. And believe me, I do my share of both, but if my wife told me she was going to start leaving me with the kids six weeks a year, with no added benefit to our family, and her response to my even raising a concern was "tough titties," I'd probably start thinking about separation. But I wouldn't have married someone like that in the first place.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

LonelyinLove said:


> I agree, but it's all in the approach. A needy, clingy man whining that SHE gets to travel while he has to take care of the kids while she's gone??? "Tough titties" would be my response. You are 50% of the parent partnership. You are parenting, not baby-sitting.
> 
> Now, if the H can present valid reasons ( and by valid I don't mean because he is inconvenienced) and maintain a civil discussion then by all means bring it up.
> 
> ...


Validity is subjective. You don't get to be judge of what is valid to someone else. Only they do. And at that point you both have a choice to make.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

What jobs are you all working where travel is optional except it's not?Glad that when I travelled I had an objective to complete. Would not enjoy traveling for GP.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Youngster said:


> That's totally how I feel.


When she was traveling, what percentage of the time was she traveling?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

John Lee said:


> I don't like your post at all, I think it's very insulting.
> 
> If you had actually read the thread, he makes about three times as much money as she does. That's part of the partnership too. He shouldn't have 75% of the earning burden and MORE than 50% of the parenting burden, just so his wife can enjoy herself.


His wife did not travel 50% of the time. So I don't know where you get the 50% from.


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