# My spouse is chronically miserable.



## RinTinTin

My husband is a negative, cynical, energy and happiness zapping person and I am the opposite. For 15 years I have stood beside my husband and tolerated his self loathing, depression, cynicism, and negativity. I do not know how much more of it I can take. He is a miserable person (not abusive or anything like that) and he "vents" his misery and it affects everyone around him. The family joke is "Its not a party unless Kris makes someone cry." His negativity and unhappiness affect our children too and I find myself no longer able to make excuses for him. Nothing and no one can change him because he doesnt want to change and thinks his negative & cynical view points in life are realistic and appropriate. On top of it all, he is addicted to porn and even though he promised to stop or at least try to, he continues to watch it every day. I am just at a loss and considering divorce.

** He has seen a doctor for depression and has been on meds but he is inherently a miserable unhappy person which he concealed during our VERY short courtship.


----------



## henryflower

I can relate to you. My wife is negative all the time. No matter what happens she sees the bad in it. I am the opposite. After six years I think I am at my breaking point. I feel like I have been beat down with a hammer. But it is so hard because I love her. Even if she mocks my positivity. I feel like a quitter but I don't know what else to do....


----------



## In_The_Wind

Hey guys life is to short to be unhappy if yr others want take steps to get help
Or listen to you move on I would consider that a form of abuse if nothing changes nothing changes
Good luck
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## *LittleDeer*

I wouldn't stay, life is too short to be with someone who doesn't see the value in what they have.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## henryflower

I agree with you both but it is hard. I feel like I am supposed to accept people and my wife of course for who she is... and I feel like maybe I am too hard on her... or like I ask her to change...


----------



## the-joy

when someone walks in the room and you suddenly feel 50lbs heavier you know somethings wrong. 
You deserve to be happy.


----------



## deejov

"Don't make your problems, MY problems".
If a complaint isn't vented on someone... is it still a complaint?

There's a good side to being practical. It's necessary to balance out responsibility. Ying and Yang. 

Sometimes giving them a real actual reason to be miserable helps.

If he thinks his life sucks now.... Try living all alone for awhile, see if he really think life is all that bad. 15 years is a long time to battle depression. Hard habit to break, I'm sure. it can take a BIG shake up to get through to him. 

You don't have to get divorced immediately, but separating for awhile might give you a chance to see the light. Yeah, you do deserve to be happy, and if he is ruining that for you, consider leaving for awhile.


----------



## Runs like Dog

I recently found a childhood picture of my wife and she's scowling. Things haven't changed that much.


----------



## Jellybeans

As you know, you cannot change him, only how you react to him.

You can call him out on his negativity and let him know that it's brining you down, man. Hopefully he'll ease up.

If he doesn't, not much you can do about it. 

Sorry.


----------



## YinPrincess

I'm sorry that you're going through this - you are also describing MY husband and I'm just about ready to jump ship after 2 years... I can't imagine how awful it's been to put up with it much longer... 

I don't have any advice except to just try and enjoy your life the best way you can... (((Hugs)))
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## InspectorGadget

I'm in the same boat with my wife. She believes that the world is out to get her. She feels that her negative behavior towards me is ONLY because she is reacting to me. So basically, no matter what, it's my fault. As soon as I can get some things lined up, I'm leaving her. I just don't feel that it is a workable situation? We have been together for 9 years, but it's time to move on


----------



## StatusQuo

OP - You perfectly described my husband, with the exception of the porn addiction. I don't have any advice to offer, as that's why I'm here as well. I fully understand the ramifications of the cynical/negative husband though, and I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this.


----------



## BeingStrong

You are not alone. I am in a similar situation, and the scariest part for me is how his negativity is making this the most difficult situation I have ever been in. Stay strong and do whatever you need to do to get out of this. That's the only advice I have as that is what I'm doing  Talking to friends for support, getting my personal stuff moved out, lining up a place to stay, etc. Baby steps I call them. Good luck to you.


----------



## Kearson

Sounds like my STBXH... he's a miserable, negative person too. At first I thought he just needed a good woman to make him happy, but he's got such a victim complex going on, and he's been doing it so long, that he is more comfortable being miserable. That's fine. He can be that way by himself.

Move on and find some happy for you and your kids.


----------



## GhostRydr

henryflower said:


> I can relate to you. My wife is negative all the time. No matter what happens she sees the bad in it. I am the opposite. After six years I think I am at my breaking point. I feel like I have been beat down with a hammer. But it is so hard because I love her. Even if she mocks my positivity. I feel like a quitter but I don't know what else to do....


That my wife. I ended it in 3 yrs ..life is too short to put up with this nonsense. Its like they leave no energy for YOU/I to have a down day or two and THEIR shoulder to lean on cuz you always have to be there for their misery. Forget that noise.


----------



## 827Aug

RinTinTin, has your husband gone to counseling? He's been on anti-depressants a long time and seeing no positive results. Anti-depressants can help when bad things are happening that are outside of a person's control. Otherwise counseling can be beneficial. He needs to be properly evaluated and go from there.


----------



## bussunda100

My wife is often miserable too. same case.
Im always supportive because it breaks my heart to see her miserable and i care for her. but now its getting too much -sometimes she cries out of the blue and i always comfort her but im getting fed up now of being mr. nice.
she cries for issues that i think she will never get over: getting a nice career, being more proactive and energetic would help but no.

she does nothing, and plays the victim always. I always pity her and decide for helping her, sticking at her side. but for how long ?
and at my own happiness expense?


----------



## Runs like Dog

Inside every martyr beats the heart of a tyrant.


----------



## lostwithin

Seems like this a very common issue, as I am going through the same issues with my wife of nearly 12 years (total 14). She has a good reason to have a negative outlook in life but I would have thought a caring, cooking, cleaning, providing husband with two well put together children would give her some reasons to enjoy life. However, she is moody, goes off on the little items in life, cynical, et all. We are going to counselling soon and I hope we can fix things, but this is our third round of this and it's becoming tiresome.


----------



## 4me2

I'm curious...what sort of childhood did your "miserable spouse" have?

My wife seems to be angry often, short tempered, spiteful, etc. But, she is bubbly and very personable in public - kind of a jekyll/hyde thing it always seems to me. I've told her she seems mad at the world...and me as well. I've tried to figure out if this mainly stems from her bad childhood. To this day she hates her dad and hasn't spoken to him in years (and never will if she has a choice). I've dealt with her short temper and angry outbursts for many years, but it has really bugged me on and off. With some relationship problems we are dealing with now I told her she needs to have some anger management counseling. She agrees she needs some counseling but is pursuing for some other underlying issues.


----------



## VermisciousKnid

Ditto for my wife. She's a glass half empty person. She's also a perfectionist, doesn't cope well with conflict and she frequently plays the victim. Life is full of imperfect things and conflict with others and if you are going to react to it with disappointment, blame and resentment then you will be miserable most of the time. At first I wondered if I was the cause of her moods, but after observing her for years I realize she is the victim of her own expectations and outlook on life. 

There really is nothing you can do for a person with this problem. Whatever you do for them, their focus will be on what is wrong - and something always is. I think the most you can do is limit your exposure and find things to do that you find enjoyable.


----------



## VermisciousKnid

Ditto for my wife. She's a glass half empty person. She's also a perfectionist, doesn't cope well with conflict and she frequently plays the victim. Life is full of imperfect things and conflict with others and if you are going to react to it with disappointment, blame and resentment then you will be miserable most of the time. At first I wondered if I was the cause of her moods, but after observing her for years I realize she is the victim of her own expectations and outlook on life. 

There really is nothing you can do for a person with this problem. Whatever you do for them, their focus will be on what is wrong - and something always is. I think the most you can do is limit your exposure and find things to do that you find enjoyable.


----------



## needinghonesty

henryflower said:


> I can relate to you. My wife is negative all the time. No matter what happens she sees the bad in it. I am the opposite. After six years I think I am at my breaking point. I feel like I have been beat down with a hammer. But it is so hard because I love her. Even if she mocks my positivity. I feel like a quitter but I don't know what else to do....


My wife called me goody two shoes for my outlook on life and how I try to go about life... Her favorite greeting reply after someone asks her how she is that day, "breathing, beats the alternative!" Good luck...


----------



## RinTinTin

To answer some of your questions:
My husband has never been to counseling for his behavior because he doesn't think anything is wrong with it, nor does he think there is anything wrong with his porn addiction. 

His childhood was decent, no abuse or neglect. His father was self absorbed and a downer often. My husband was bullied quite a bit in elementary school because of his size.

His adult life has been fairly good. He had a crap job with a jerk boss there for a little bit but the past ten years he has been running a local company and has earned great respect in the industry. 

His health isnt too great, he has pain in his shoulders and knees, so I know that affects his attitude.

I tried talking to him about his behavior and how it affects all of us and how know one can tell if he's happy because he never shows it. He seemed to get what I was saying but there hasnt been much improvement. I know old habits die hard, but good God! I cant take much more. He is bringing down the joy in my life. 

His porn addiction is killing me and his lies & deception regarding the issue is breaking my heart. I jailbroke our ipad and installed a keylogger. He has accessed porn on the internet 4 times in the past 24 hours. The first time was just a few hours after we had sex and the last time he was next to me while I slept. 

I dont trust him and I dont respect him; all I can think about is getting a divorce. 

The only thing that has kept me from filing is fear: Fear of what it will do to my 4 children, fear of how we will survive on my VERY meager income, fear of being alone, and fear of hurting his heart.


----------



## Runs like Dog

I think Tolstoy got it precisely wrong. In Anna Karenina, the famous first line is_ 'Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.'_. In fact happy families are all different and all unhappy families replay the same miserable garbage over and over and over. Miserable people are miserable. They're all miserable in the same way to the same effect. Everything else is just commentary.


----------



## MommaKnows

I have spent a lot of time looking online for advice about what to do for my husband. He too is chronically miserable. He does not say hurtful things to people but is negative about everything. He hardly ever smiles or laughs. He never wants to go out. But the kicker is.......... he denies it all. He says he is fine and he dont understand why i think he is miserable. He always has an excuse. He is tired, he is thinking about someting, he is watching t.v. Silly things like that. But it is every waking min of every day. We have been together for 8 years and with every day that passes he only seems to get worse. I know that life has not been what it should and bad things do sometimes happen but i have tried to show him there are reasons to look around and see the good. That not all people are bad. He always expects the worst. He thinks everyone is out to take advantage of him. His biggest problem in my opinion is his denial about everything. If i cant get him to admit how miserable he is how can he ever change. Plz someone give me some advice i can use.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser

> I feel like a quitter


But you're LOOKING AT IT all WRONG....

You're only a 'quitter' if you THINK you can make someone else change their behavior/personality. You can't, people can only change themselves.

You need to REDEFINE quitting...

I've QUIT trying to change someone else.
I've QUIT making excuses for my spouse.
I've QUIT expecting things to be different.
I've QUIT allowing my spouse to ruin my family's peace.
I've QUIT wasting 7 days a week wishing for things to be different.
I've QUIT waiting to start enjoying MY life.

If you don't REQUIRE immediate change, NOTHING will change.


----------



## our vision shattered

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> But you're LOOKING AT IT all WRONG....
> 
> You're only a 'quitter' if you THINK you can make someone else change their behavior/personality. You can't, people can only change themselves.
> 
> You need to REDEFINE quitting...
> 
> I've QUIT trying to change someone else.
> I've QUIT making excuses for my spouse.
> I've QUIT expecting things to be different.
> I've QUIT allowing my spouse to ruin my family's peace.
> I've QUIT wasting 7 days a week wishing for things to be different.
> I've QUIT waiting to start enjoying MY life.
> 
> If you don't REQUIRE immediate change, NOTHING will change.


i need to tattoo this on my forhead


----------



## HockeyGuy28

Well I know this is certainly no help to the conversation but I do honestly feel a little better seeing how so many other people are in the same boat as me. I have only been married for a few months but I was stupid enough to keep thinking she would change for the better. I made excuse after excuse for her and now I am just tired of it. I have known her for a very long time I just dont understand how someone can change so much. 

She used to be the happy one, the social one, the one that everyone loved to be around. Now I turn the corner on my way home and hope her car is not there so I can be alone because I am happier then...

Still married though, think I am going to try some counseling myself, not sure why, I guess it will make me feel better or give me validation if everything points too moving on...

good luck and hope everything works out for the best.


----------



## Cristal Guerra

Same problem ? It's so sad because the whole rooms mood changes , I can only make up so many excuses for our kids ? Not abusive as well just always unhappy, comes home with out a smile like he don't want to be home but when I bring it up it's me that's always complains. Im such a happy person and it sucks because I love him and it's been 8years so draining


----------



## DepressedHusband

I would really like the op to expand on this more. I feel like, or anyone in general, that there is a trend here and we should try to see it. I want to here more about what the OP does in the home or out of it, her respectability, his responsibility etc, I feel like, my bull**** detector is on high, maybe the wife is a miserable demanding **** and her husband just feels stuck with her, so he torments her into leaving and for amusement and gratification, so he doesn't have to feel guilty about being with a miserable **** who makes him feel down about himself. I did not see ONE positive word about her husband in that diatribe, only complaint after complaint after complaint. I certainly wouldn't put up with that **** in my life, so maybe a bit of looking in the mirror on her side is required to. 

Maybe ask, why does my husband really act this way ? am I domineering, do I complain allot, and I pleasant to be around, am I annoyingly perky and unrealistic in my expectations ? you catch the drift.


----------



## flyhigher

the-joy said:


> when someone walks in the room and you suddenly feel 50lbs heavier you know somethings wrong.
> You deserve to be happy.


this. So true.


----------



## lifeistooshort

Moderator note:

OP's last post was over 4 years ago. 

This thread is closed.


----------

