# i need help



## cheese puff (Jul 24, 2011)

4 years ago my wife had a PA with a man she worked with. She started the process of leaving me, but he only wanted sex and would not leave his family. 4 years later for some reason i am reliving all this stuff as if it happened yesterday. i dont know what to do. i cant be alone, i cant sleep and i am unhappy. i hate everything and everyone. my kids dont need to see this. it all happened when we had a cook out with friends. my highschool friend with the same last name as the OM came over, i had not seen them in a while. i have no idea why this triggered me so bad. My friend was setting around bragging about how much money he makes and how great all his **** was. this is the same way the OM talked to my wife.when my wife left me she found out the OM had nothing and was dead ass broke just like my friend is. plus the OM kids where very very bad to my kids and broke there stuff. my friend kids started breaking all my kids toys and stuff. i dont no what happen after my friend left but i went in to a rage. i have not been able to sleep all week. i also work alone with nobody. i cant get nothing done at work. why 4 years later? my wife said i if i dont get undercontrol, she is leaving not to be with another man but because i am scaring her and the kids. i am having very bad chest pains and feel sick. Dday was not this bad.


----------



## cheese puff (Jul 24, 2011)

also my wife has nothing to do with my friend i just some how turned my friend in to the other man.


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

cheese puff said:


> my wife said i if i dont get undercontrol, she is leaving not to be with another man but because i am scaring her and the kids.


Help her pack and show her the door. 

Its obvious she is only with you for your paycheck and zero love for you, don't you think she would have been gone if OM had a decent job?


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

look at the newbie link in my signature and ask yourself, was the affair rugswept or did you guys deal with it head on?


----------



## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

You are relieving this because you rug-swept. You wife was not held accountable for her infidelity and your hurt and resentment begins to surface.


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

I am sorry. It sounds like you had a ton of individual triggers, maybe each one by itself would have bothered you but you could have handled it, but instead you had a cummulative effect and this brought on Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (some like to call it a syndrome, because disorder is a rather strong word).

Your memories of the bad events in your past come with a lot of baggage, it's not just a video that plays in your head. It reminds your brain of the emotions, anxiety, stress, and fear that accompanied those events. A strong reminder of the trauma sends you right back physically where you were, most likely in a state of anger, hyper-vigilance (adrenaline coursing through you, fight-or-flight).

Please get an appointment with an individual counselor (IC). You probably won't have to attend that long because the events were four years ago, but they will help you talk through whether or not there is still more about this to process.

One helpful thing I learned (well, not helpful, but it gives understanding) is that PTSD symptoms may only lessen in frequency, but NOT in power. They can trigger years down the road and the strength can be scary, but once you realize that you have them every 4 years or every 10 years or whatever, you can talk yourself back down. This is your brain's way of protecting you, it goes into overdrive, but this does NOT mean you are heading backwards or losing ground in the healing process.


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

I dont care how strong your powers of denial and repression are, it will always come to the surface eventually. That's all that's happened, you likely compartmentalized a great deal of the pain and forced it down inside of you. Now you've tripped over the giant lump you swept under the rug...


----------



## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

I understand were you are at. I am no where near 4 years but I had reached the point at which I could sleep all night and not have this internal rage but I feel I am back to square one again with both and not sure why.

My wife and I are in MC right now and I expressed my feelings with our therapest at our last meeting. She asked me to keep a journal for the next couple of weeks about how I was feeling. Also to let my wife read my notes. 

I am starting to calm down and my wife has been very understanding and supportive.

I also have a batting cage near by it has really helped. I imagine his face on the ball!


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> I dont care how strong your powers of denial and repression are, it will always come to the surface eventually. That's all that's happened, you likely compartmentalized a great deal of the pain and forced it down inside of you. Now you've tripped over the giant lump you swept under the rug...


In re-reading your post--question for you. Did you attend marriage counseling after she returned to you--AFTER she was dumped by the OM?


----------



## cheese puff (Jul 24, 2011)

iheartlife said:


> In re-reading your post--question for you. Did you attend marriage counseling after she returned to you--AFTER she was dumped by the OM?


no we live 50 miles from one and we did go to 10 or more local church meeting but my wife does not need to be a born again christian to no what she did was wrong and it sure is not going to help me. we must of read 100 books and watched 1000 videos on R. i have not been so happy until saturday all hell broke loose it was bad.


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

iheartlife said:


> In re-reading your post--question for you. Did you attend marriage counseling after she returned to you--AFTER she was dumped by the OM?


Confused me a bit mama, you quoted my post in your above reply so I couldnt be sure if you were asking me the question or the OP. Can't imagine you were asking me the question, so wasn't sure why the quote. Doesn't matter I guess.


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Confused me a bit mama, you quoted my post in your above reply so I couldnt be sure if you were asking me the question or the OP. Can't imagine you were asking me the question, so wasn't sure why the quote. Doesn't matter I guess.


Nope, the OP. Sorry about that!


----------



## cheese puff (Jul 24, 2011)

we went to MC but it was this church thing that was more about getting us saved than dealing with my rage that was to come in the future.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

I've found helpful the works of Dr Albert Ellis PhD, the creator of REBT "Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy" - sometimes also called "Cognizant Behavioral Therapy" - in helping a person defuse toxic emotions like anger that came after an event - i.e. affair - and to gain emotional mastery in order to begin the healing and to make decisions that are based on reason and not emotions. A great book on REBT is *Three Minute Therapy by Dr. Michael R. Edelstein* and though it is an easy read, it nevertheless is very effective and received a strong endorsement from REBT creator Dr. Albert Ellis PhD. I highly recommend it to you.


----------



## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

Unfortunately, it appears your wife's affair was rugswept, as others have said. You took her back went on with your life and she had her cake and still had you, financial support etc. She got a Mulligan, had no remorse and did nothing to help you heal. Classical "Get over it, it was in the past." She is no longer in the affair so you need to put it aside, no work on her part.

You were not healed, the damage that was done is still in your mind. You were triggered and are thinking "Why did I put up with it and what has she done to regain my trust?" As of right now that questions has not been answered.

You need to sit down with your wife and explain it to her, if she wants to rugsweep she will not be willing to listen and will say "Get over it!" If she cares about you and the marriage she may listen and you may be able to work something out with the two of you working together to heal you.

Also, may need to go to a GOOD mc to deal with the PTSD you are suffering. Remember, your wife killed your marriage and you are now in a new Marraige, you need to properly Grieve the Death of that marriage.


----------



## cheese puff (Jul 24, 2011)

How do you find a GOOD mc


----------



## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

cheese puff said:


> i went in to a rage. i have not been able to sleep all week. i also work alone with nobody. i cant get nothing done at work. why 4 years later? my wife said i if i dont get undercontrol, she is leaving not to be with another man but because i am scaring her and the kids. i am having very bad chest pains and feel sick. Dday was not this bad.


Your trigger is a normal response, even four years later. 

Why does your cheater spouse refuse to understand this. 

Yes, please show her the door let it hit her in the AZZ on the way out, please.


----------



## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

cheese puff said:


> How do you find a GOOD mc


It's really difficult to find a good MC.

You might be better off finding a psychiatrist skilled in dealing with PTSD. 

That is what I plan on doing. 

I am a pretty tough and strong person, but the triggers create anxiety similar to a panic attack. It is harmless but frightening.

If you are planning on continuing with the marriages, make sure you bring your cheater spouse so that the doctor can explain to her why you trigger and what she needs to do to help you cope.


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

cheese puff said:


> we went to MC but it was this church thing that was more about getting us saved than dealing with my rage that was to come in the future.


In my opinion, going to church is all well and good for what it is.

But it is not a good way to solve marriage problems.

You need the help of a trained professional. I mean the both of you.

I'm not so sure I believe you that the nearest marriage counselor is 50 mile away. Maybe in the searching you did, that is what you found.

Look again.


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

cheese puff said:


> How do you find a GOOD mc


It's a challenge when you're in a rural area. Perhaps you can seek out therapists who will help you via telephone conferences. Or even better, skype with you over the computer so there is some exchange of body language, facial expression, etc.

I found our counselor via referral from a group of therapist who help marriages recover from sex and porn addictions. My husband is neither and that idea may sound strange, but affairs are escapist compulsions just like sex and porn addictions and they all involve some form of marital unfaithfulness / betrayal.

If you are choosing therapists who will do phone consultations then obviously that opens up the range of possibilities, so do your research well and find a good one. I'd be leary of groups that make promises about rates of success but at the same time you want to find one that is pro-marriage--believe it or not many "marriage counselors" aren't!


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

You may want to read *Counseling, Coaching or Therapy?* and then make a choice at to which is the one you need.


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Do you really think your Wife would participate in the couseling process? _Really participate_, not just go through the motions?

Based on her reaction to your mini-breakdown it sounds like she would rather this just go away, if not _she will_. Your damage is an obvious inconvenience to her.


----------



## akashNil (May 20, 2012)

> One helpful thing I learned (well, not helpful, but it gives understanding) is that PTSD symptoms may only lessen in frequency, but NOT in power. They can trigger years down the road and the strength can be scary, but once you realize that you have them every 4 years or every 10 years or whatever, you can talk yourself back down. This is your brain's way of protecting you, it goes into overdrive, but this does NOT mean you are heading backwards or losing ground in the healing process.


I agree. 25 years of experience.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Why did you take her back? What if the OM had money?


----------



## cheese puff (Jul 24, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> Why did you take her back? What if the OM had money?


CHILDREN, 12 years, family, i can name 1000 reasons to not have her and a 1000 reason to have her. Its just what i know, a family works on problems.


----------



## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

She only came back because the OM wouldn't commit and turned out to be a BSer. Like others have said, she's only there out of convenience. A person in her position has no right to make threats after causing all of this.


----------



## cheese puff (Jul 24, 2011)

ok you guys i am leaving her today give me a high five i mean wtf do you want me to do


----------



## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

It's not about advising you to leave or stay, it's just pretty clear you're more into this than she is.


----------



## cheese puff (Jul 24, 2011)

the reason she wanted me to leave was i had a 30-6 shooting a fake head 300 yd away with the guys name wrote across its forhead.
i think i scared her and myself.


----------



## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

cheese puff said:


> ok you guys i am leaving her today give me a high five i mean wtf do you want me to do


I am a betrayed spouse.

You can file for divorce to give yourself time to clear your head. If your wife becomes remorseful you do not have to actually proceed with the divorce.

I filed for divorce because my cheater spouse was resentful of the restrictions imposed on him after learning of his emotional, financial and physical infidelity. 

Also, several MC and psychologists mentioned that he was heavy on Narcissistic traits and that is not a good thing. 

If you file, you have to be fed up enough to be willing to follow through. 

Your wife is not showing remorse. She is more concerned about herself and that's a narcissistic trait.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

cheese puff said:


> 4 years ago my wife had a PA with a man she worked with. She started the process of leaving me, but he only wanted sex and would not leave his family. 4 years later for some reason i am reliving all this stuff as if it happened yesterday. i dont know what to do. i cant be alone, i cant sleep and i am unhappy. i hate everything and everyone. my kids dont need to see this. it all happened when we had a cook out with friends. my highschool friend with the same last name as the OM came over, i had not seen them in a while. i have no idea why this triggered me so bad. My friend was setting around bragging about how much money he makes and how great all his **** was. this is the same way the OM talked to my wife.when my wife left me she found out the OM had nothing and was dead ass broke just like my friend is. plus the OM kids where very very bad to my kids and broke there stuff. my friend kids started breaking all my kids toys and stuff. i dont no what happen after my friend left but i went in to a rage. i have not been able to sleep all week. i also work alone with nobody. i cant get nothing done at work. why 4 years later? my wife said i if i dont get undercontrol, she is leaving not to be with another man but because i am scaring her and the kids. i am having very bad chest pains and feel sick. Dday was not this bad.


As everyone has said, rug sweeping the affair does no good. All it does is build up the resentment, and now it's boiling to the surface. 










You need to get into MC where she MUST discuss what happened, why it happened. That way you can get closure and move on. She must also be transparent. What consquences did she ever deal with? And make sure you find an MC thats experienced in dealing with infidelity, NOT one that wants you to sweep this under the rug again. If your MC starts doing that, fire him/her and look until you find a good one.

Your WW is showing a lack of empathy for your feelings. That is not remorse.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Complexity said:


> She only came back because the OM wouldn't commit and turned out to be a BSer. Like others have said, she's only there out of convenience. A person in her position has no right to make threats after causing all of this.


:iagree:

cheese_puff, you are the second choice, the back up plan. If you rug swept this, she WILL do it again. And maybe the next OM will be the one she is able to run off with. She needs to have consequences. You need to tell her that you will be the one to divorce her because of what she's done. You are no one's second choice, remember that.


----------



## cheese puff (Jul 24, 2011)

when i ask her why she done it. she tells me after our last son was born she put on alot of weight then when she lost it all. he started coming on to her telling her she looked good. she said she had never had a man do this to her and it felt good.


----------



## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

cheese puff said:


> the reason she wanted me to leave was i had a 30-6 shooting a fake head 300 yd away with the guys name wrote across its forhead.
> i think i scared her and myself.


:smthumbup: I

I used a punching bag and lifted weights I could see the advantage of letting off steam by shooting a fake head at 300 yards, unfortunately I have no depth perception and cannot hit a barn door if it is over 30 feet away. 

So she got scared at your anger, you didn't do anything to her and she knows now that this affair has affected you. 

Maybe she is begining to understand the damage she has wrought and does not want to face it because she does not want to fix it. 

If she is not vested in making the NEW marriage you are fooling yourself.


----------



## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

cheese puff said:


> when i ask her why she done it. she tells me after our last son was born she put on alot of weight then when she lost it all. he started coming on to her telling her she looked good. she said she had never had a man do this to her and it felt good.


To go from being flattered to willing to drop your husband and tear apart your family is a pretty big leap. Did she tell you why she wanted the OM over you?


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

cheese puff said:


> when i ask her why she done it. she tells me after our last son was born she put on alot of weight then when she lost it all. he started coming on to her telling her she looked good. she said she had never had a man do this to her and it felt good.


Babies crap on themselves because it feels good. Your wife is no baby. That's just a sorry excuse for being a self-centered, narcissistic, uncaring, unloving, and hateful wife.


----------



## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

cheese puff said:


> when i ask her why she done it. she tells me after our last son was born she put on alot of weight then when she lost it all. he started coming on to her telling her she looked good. she said she had never had a man do this to her and it felt good.


Oh Brother:

If I hear this one again I am going to Barf. 

The OW in my husband's infidelity told her husband this when she was exposed. 

This seems to be a common ploy. It is not true. The women today, according to studies, are seeking affairs at record numbers and they are aggressive. 

My STBEH tried to initially gallantly protect her, when exposed, but she threw him under the bus, immediately by lying to her husband and saying he pursued her.

I have emails sent to me anonymously that show that she was the sexual aggressor and the initiator of the relationship.

Also, The OW, contacted my husband first at his office, by email by getting the address from his business website, after a brief conversation at a coffee house. 

She kept running into him thereafter, and even joked (you know what they say about things said in jest) that she was following him. She said, "I am following you....oopsie, giggle....giggle....oh I shouldn't say things like that, it might get me in trouble, giggle giggle"

She also told my Soon to be ex that she would deny and minimize claiming the infidelity was only a harmless flirtation, if caught, and advised him to do the same. 

My STBEH, at least admitted that he was very interested in the affair and at first tried to insist they both made contact equally, until he realized I had all the email threads.

I also found a voice mail on one of his phones in which she was inviting him to have an affair. She was speaking in a very seductive voice and at the end she squealed caaallllll Meeeeeeeeeee!

In the emails, I could see that he tried to break it off twice, but she only became more sexually aggressive. 

Still, her husband believes my STBEH was the pursuer, because she insists he was.

This OW has had prior affairs, told my STBEH she was looking for a long term secondary relationship, and runs with a group of woman who all cheat on their unsuspecting spoused in the back of their cars during weekly girl's nights out.


----------



## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Cheesepuff, we're not telling you all of this to make you leave your wife, there's just more to this than she's let on and the both of you have rug swept this affair. If you really want to reconcile with your wife and deal with these surfacing issues, she's going to have to come up with a better excuse than "he said I was pretty", not only is that condescending but also very insulting.


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Complexity said:


> To go from being flattered to willing to drop your husband and tear apart your family is a pretty big leap. Did she tell you why she wanted the OM over you?


Bingo. 

Cheesepuff, I know this is all new to you (infidelity, recovery, reconciliation, etc, etc,) and I'm sure your trudging through it the best you can. It's hard to get a gauge of things as they are happening to you. But, man, these things your saying are on the extreme. 

As complexity points out the leap from flattered or even a 'standard' affair to making arrangements to leave your family is monumental... Obviously the OM wasn't on board for her 'happily ever after' fantasy scenario.. yet she was lining up ducks to abandon you... that's big, you factor in that and the threat she made when you had an emotional brakedown.. and we are on the far extreme of bad... people are trying to help you here brother. You are likely to sweep this all back under the rug the best you can so she doesn't leave you and its NOT GOING away.... This will eat you alive (as your witnessing). 

Obviously, leaving is not as simple as most will prescribe. When you have children and all of kinds of history it's a terrifying prospect... But this is extreme and requires extreme measures if you hope to recover yourself and your marriage....


----------



## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I understand your anger. You were clearly the door prize. If the OM had money she would have left you in a heartbeat. Of course you feel angry since you were the second choice. How nice that she was willing to dump you after having 4 children with you. Hopefully you both were tested for STD's. I am curious but if the roles had been reversed would she have been so accepting and forgiving as you have been?


----------



## cheese puff (Jul 24, 2011)

i just let her read this and she says she dont understand what answer you guys are looking for. she said the guy would make sexual comments to her at work and she liked it. she said he would tell her his wife had a Affair once and give her this sob story. he told her talking to her made him fall in love with her. then he started inviting her to his shop after work. then he would tell her how his wife never listened to him. she said he was a very neat, organized, and well dressed, i am not and never will be. she said he swept her off her feet but it was all lies and a cover up. she said it was new and felt good. we have read about the fog and she says that what it was. Once his wife and i exposed them she said he became very mean called her a ***** **** and never talked to her. i will have to say she did change jobs for me and do the non contact stuff i got off this site.


----------



## cheese puff (Jul 24, 2011)

also i tell her when we talk about it i feel like seconds.we have full transparency. she has also ask me to tell you guys that we have read book after book about R for 4 years she has answered evey question i have ask her. she says this was bad but made her love me more than ever and now the thought of the affair makes her depressed. she says we need to figure out how to help my rage and give me closer. she wants to help me but dont know how. i have googled MC in our area but i have no idea if they are good mc.
i have 3 large issues these stupid triggers, why she liked sex better with him (which she says in my own head) and how will i ever know this will not happed again.


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

cheese puff said:


> i just let her read this


----------



## cheese puff (Jul 24, 2011)

pit of my stomach wtf would you do


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Cheesepuff - You did scare your wife. Take it from me. I let my anger get control of me after my WS's A. What you are explaining is anger that has gotten out of control. I then became the bad guy. Taking a 30-6 rifle with the guy's name on it is a little over the top but you should have done it without her knowing about it. 

i would apologize to her for your anger. You see anger will kill your soul, it is a vile ugly poison. Your wife screwed up and it seems that she owns up to it and has made good attempts to fix things.

I would suggest this on your three topics.
1. The OM might have been better, bigger, etc in bed then you. I would say to you my friend that you get over it. there are thousands of men better in bed and bigger than any of us here on TAM. Your wife wounded you, lick your wounds, heal yourself and don't give the OM anymore credit. He is out of your wife's life.
2. You can never know that it will never happen again. Never ever. You try to build trust and your wife is being transparent. That is all you can do.
3. Triggers. I guess that the others are correct in that you rug swept it. Because this kind of reaction after four years is not typical. Your rage was over the top. I am a professional counselor that works with Veterans that served in combat and your anger and rage is not normal. I know I allowed my rage and anger to control me for months after D-day (Nov. 29, 2011). I put an end to it over a month ago. 

I would suggest this as well. I think you need IC first and don't do MC yet. Get your anger and whatever other issues you are facing under control first. Once you get a better understanding of yourself then look into MC. I think I can speak from experience here and it is very fresh. You are becoming the bad guy. Get help for you first then you can start dealing with MC, because in my professional opinion MC will not be helpful at this time and it may even hurt because MC can be very rough. Get IC first is my reconmendation.


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

By the way, letting your wife see this stuff is helpful to both of you. I think she has made great strides. Cheesepuff - don't let your feelings and emotions ruin this. We understand your pain. We do.

BTW, what was your shot group like on the target at 300 meters?


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

cheese puff said:


> pit of my stomach wtf would you do


Doesn't matter what I would do. It's not my life. What's important is what you will do. 

Your getting solid advice. If you choose to sweep this under the rug after the 'crisis mode' passes, it will be at your own peril.



Thorburn said:


> By the way, letting your wife see this stuff is helpful to both of you.


Absolutely disagree. Strongly.


----------



## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

cheese puff said:


> i just let her read this and she says she dont understand what answer you guys are looking for. she said the guy would make sexual comments to her at work and she liked it. she said he would tell her his wife had a Affair once and give her this sob story. he told her talking to her made him fall in love with her. then he started inviting her to his shop after work. then he would tell her how his wife never listened to him. she said he was a very neat, organized, and well dressed, i am not and never will be. she said he swept her off her feet but it was all lies and a cover up. she said it was new and felt good. we have read about the fog and she says that what it was. Once his wife and i exposed them she said he became very mean called her a ***** **** and never talked to her. i will have to say she did change jobs for me and do the non contact stuff i got off this site.


Cheesepuff, it speaks volumes that your wife would be wooed so easily by every man that shows sexual interest. What does that say about her and the potential of another man doing the same thing? and more importantly what does it say about your worth to her?

We all get sexual advances in one way or another but the love we have for our spouse and our commitment to them prevents us from cheating let alone breaking up our family and preparing to start a new life with the AP. And it's kind of depressing that she had to betray you to comfort him for the way his wife supposedly betrayed and mistreated him, again is this a woman really committed to you or has the slightest concern for your feelings?

I sense your wife has a "take it or leave it" attitude about her affair and I doubt she's faced any consequences for the utter disrespect she's put on you.


----------



## cheese puff (Jul 24, 2011)

Complexity said:


> I sense your wife has a "take it or leave it" attitude about her affair and I doubt she's faced any consequences for the utter disrespect she's put on you.


no she only ask me to leave after i got the gun out. 

i dont know what kind of consequences to make her face .she actually never left us, she told me she was unhappy and needed some time so i knew what was up.she later told me she had planned on leaving me, but he would not give up his family and was in dept to his knees. when all this happened i read as much as i could about saving a relationship. I ask her the first day after dday if you want to save this marriage. i gave her a list of things to work on. i dont understand what to do i ask her to stop working with him and get another job. mail him a no contact letter. i ask her to give me access to her pc and every password she had. i ask to have full access to her phone and bill. she does not go any where other than work with out me. i placed a gps on her cell she knows all this and has never said no or acted as if it was a problem.

as for the sexual advances she says this was over a 3 month period and in total the affair lasted 5 mounts and was sexual 5 or 6 times in his garage. i think she has been very open about it.


----------



## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

She has sex with him multiple times in his garage? Do you feel special and proud that she is your wife?


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

cheese puff said:


> no she only ask me to leave after i got the gun out.
> 
> i dont know what kind of consequences to make her face .she actually never left us, she told me she was unhappy and needed some time so i knew what was up.she later told me she had planned on leaving me, but he would not give up his family and was in dept to his knees. when all this happened i read as much as i could about saving a relationship. I ask her the first day after dday if you want to save this marriage. i gave her a list of things to work on. i dont understand what to do i ask her to stop working with him and get another job. mail him a no contact letter. i ask her to give me access to her pc and every password she had. i ask to have full access to her phone and bill. she does not go any where other than work with out me. i placed a gps on her cell she knows all this and has never said no or acted as if it was a problem.
> 
> as for the sexual advances she says this was over a 3 month period and in total the affair lasted 5 mounts and was sexual 5 or 6 times in his garage. i think she has been very open about it.


There is a poster here that rugswept his wife's affair and is unhappy for the last 10-15 years. He is looking to separate now. So take proper steps to deal with your pain. 4 years is a long time.


----------



## cheese puff (Jul 24, 2011)

bryanp said:


> She has sex with him multiple times in his garage? Do you feel special and proud that she is your wife?


I am proud she is my wife, but i am not proud of the actions she has taken.


----------



## cheese puff (Jul 24, 2011)

you guys keep telling me not to rug sweep but what do you want me to do to her.


----------



## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

cheese puff said:


> you guys keep telling me not to rug sweep but what do you want me to do to her.


Besides transparency and verification of her whereabouts, what else has she shown to prove that she's remorseful?


----------



## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

cheese puff said:


> she later told me she had planned on leaving me, but he would not give up his family and was in dept to his knees.


This alone would cause me massive triggers if it was not reconciled.Sorry for what you're going through and I agree with others that you need to resolve this for yourself and if you hoped to build a stronger marriage.


----------



## Fvstringpicker (Mar 11, 2012)

The next time you start wanting to use this guy's image for target practice remember it was her who went to his shop and it was her who went over to bang him in his garage. I think what's eating on you and you understandably cannot reconcile is that you know she's with you only because he dumped her and she came back to ole reliable.


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

cheese puff said:


> I am proud she is my wife, but i am not proud of the actions she has taken.


If you think about it, they are the same thing. A person and their action's cant be seperated.


----------



## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

cheese puff said:


> I am proud she is my wife, but i am not proud of the actions she has taken.


You are completely missing the issue, is she Proud that you are her husband?

From your posts, she is not. 

She is not sorry, she is not remorseful, has done no work to cure the problem.

Just continue to wear the Hair Shirt. After your children are grown look forward to a great life with her.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

cheese puff said:


> you guys keep telling me not to rug sweep but what do you want me to do to her.


How does she help you deal with the triggers? How often do you trigger? Is she remorseful of the affair? How does she treat you after the affair?


----------



## cheese puff (Jul 24, 2011)

she is very remorseful. she tries to explain why she did what she did but its hard for her.she tells me its hard to put into words what she felt. she says she never loved him like she does me but it was like she could not stop. you guys act as if it happened 4 years ago and i told her ok dont do it again. i sent her packing and gave her a list of things i wanted changed. she says i make up the part of her leaving our family. she came to me, told me she wanted space and i took it as she was leaving us. She tells me i make up the part of the sex they had being great. i tell her i dont think i make it up i just assume stuff because the way she was acting FOG. 

the reason i feel she is remorseful she tells me if she still wanted him she could have kept sneaking around having sex with him. but she chose to end the affair with him and put her family first. she said she has done every thing i have ask her to do. she said first month of ending the affair he tried calling her and contacting her. she always told me or showed me where he tried to contact her. she said she saw his true colors when i confronted him and told his wife. she said he got angree and made a huge scene at work.

most of the time when i get triggered she will tell me she loves me and that she cant change the past but she regrets what she did. sometime she will tell me it was stupid of her to put the family threw this. she tries to talk to me and help me.


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

cheese puff said:


> she said she saw his true colors when i confronted him and told his wife.


Yes, she realized how much of a broke ass loser he was. In other words until she can find a higher earner affair partner she is stuck with you.


----------



## cheese puff (Jul 24, 2011)

keko said:


> Yes, she realized how much of a broke ass loser he was. In other words until she can find a higher earner affair partner she is stuck with you.


where are you coming from. he makes more money than i do. he works full time and runs a auto painting shop for extra cash. she said he had so much credit card debt and loans. i am 35 years old and almost dept free i owe 20k left on my house.she says he was a good talker. he is a good talker i will never forget dday when his wife found out. he told her i had thought the affair had happened for so long that in my mind it did happen but in reality it did not. i still think to this day he has convinced his wife, i made all this up.


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

cheese puff said:


> when my wife left me she found out the OM had nothing and was dead ass broke just like my friend is.


here.


----------



## cheese puff (Jul 24, 2011)

in debt so much he has to work 2 jobs to pay the bills and add a mistress on the side of that.


----------



## Fvstringpicker (Mar 11, 2012)

Cheese, based on the way you're putting it, we have to assume that if the guy wasn't in debt up to his azz and had been willing to ditch his wife, you'd be history. Where are we going wrong?


----------



## Gada (May 31, 2012)

From your story it looks like she wanted to leave you for him,then found out guy was in debt and ditched him(as you said he tried contacting her again)

And is his wife still with him or she divorced him?


----------



## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

I think there is a link in AlmostRecovered profile on recovery after. guys plz lets stop. he is committed, so lets try to help. my take is she is doing, but he triggered. PTSD like Thor said is my HO also. even if there is no rugsweeping, we all know the mind movies are coming. IC dude and try to hold on. The friend being in your face set it off BC you never stooped his face in and that was what you wanted to do, so you buried it. Hopefully,you will learn how to better manage in the future, but you need IC today to deal with the internal rage. And yes it was rage. So look in side yourself and find that good man thats there, and still have his family with him completing him. You see, he threatened this and you see him as getting off unpunished. But you have to remember that he is sleeze out of someone nose, not worth your time. My xwife understood why I walked, my rages had gotten me into trouble before, so she tried to head me off before I heard something. And in my circles. well you get the idea. You are a man, he is snot. "sorry ladies"


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

He is committed to R. We can only advise on what he can do to cope with the pain of infidelity


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

cheese puff said:


> pit of my stomach wtf would you do


Even though this is a public forum, many WS do not come here because coming here and seeing the pain that BSs feel does not jive with the fantasy of their affair. Therefore, this is a good place for BSs to vent and get support. Sure, there are some WSs who lurk in these forums, but they mainly do that find a better way to keep their affair secret. This is supposed to be YOUR safe place.

In addition, there is a lot of advice here given to the newly betrayeds like you, that your spouse can use to better take their affair farther underground or for use in future affairs, or fake remorse.

If there's some advice or post that you feel your WS should read, it's better to copy and paste it to a separate document and then print it, rather than give her a link to it or worse, let her read it directly. For example, like chaparrals posts about helping the BS heal. That should be copied and printed separately.


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Letting her read the advice your getting is like asking the fox to guard the hen house.


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Here my take on this (my opinion).
1. His wife is remorseful. She has shown herself to be open to quesitons and doing what cheesepuff has asked. By what he has written she is not defensive and is transparent.
2. Who knows for sure if she would have left if the OM was willing to leave his family. Was it a true exit A? I don't think it was. Yes she said she wanted to leave but she didn't. Yes the reason she gives is that the OM would not leave his family, many don't. 
3. Cheesepuff wants R to work. I don't think we are helpful bringing up all the things she did and said as if it was yesterday. It has been years and the WS seemed to have move forward. We should give her credit for what she has done.
4. I get it that it is rarely good to have the WS on here. I don't know if this is the case here or not. 
5. Cheese puff - I would again recommend IC for you. Your anger is over the top. I beat my wife up verbally for months after D-day. My anger was out of control. I did not become physical with her. In January I busted into the meatplant where the OM worked and not one person was in the plant - not one. I was drunk and wanted to hurt him. They were all off site at a holiday party and did not leave one soul in this hugh building. Believe me- I looked in every closet, every bathroom. I called my wife and told her what I was doing. Then I called an old friend, a Vietnam Vet who I use to work with at a VA hospital. He talked me all the way home till I got out of my truck. My WS's A is still very fresh. This past weekend my wife and I were staying at her brother's house (he and his family were on a cruise). I woke up around midnight and my wife jumped up and said what is wrong. I said, I am upset. She looked scared. She said, you look mad and are scaring me. I said, I am not mad but frustrated over the events. She said, I am scared. I said don't be scared. I said I promised I would not yell or scream at you over a month ago and I will not lose control. She then said come into the bathroom and look in the mirror. I did. I said, see I am not mad, upset yes not mad. She then started to laugh and said I look silly standing in front of the mirror in my underwear. It lightened the mood and she said come back to bed with me. You see Cheese puff - from the end of November till almost a month ago I would blow up. My two boys who supported me and helped me bust my wife turned on me. My oldest stopped talking to me because he said I was angry and drunk all the time. We have made up but you see I became the bad guy. Yes my wife caused this. She has told me that she has made me an angry and bitter person, that it is her fault. You don't know me, but I was for the most part a guy who could chill with the best of them. No one would have said that I was an angry person. But my wife's A changed me. My wife is making things right. Not always in the ways I want but she is trying. She knows I hate living in an apartment during the week hours away from her. So tonight, I have a session with a Veteran and she is driving hours to meet with a realtor to look at houses. I will see her later tonight. My wife is taking time and believe me she will be drivng in rush hour traffic to do this for me. I am still pissed. I can't believe she did this to me. But I am like you in this that I want my marriage to work. I don't need people to tell me how stupid I am or how wrong I am. Some of my friends who know me and my wife said I should leave. I hear it. But for reasons like yours I am trying to work it out and will continue to do so as long as my wife is committed and does not screw up again.

My recommendation again is for you to focus on IC for you. Leave MC for a later time. I will say it again. MC could be very rough for you and based upon your actions, feelings, and emotions you need to work on you. And in the mean time try to focus on things you can control. You can't control what your wife will or will not do. I really think she is on the right path. Yes she messed up big time and broke your heart, I am not giving her a pass. But she seems to love you and wants to be with you. You need to stop scaring her. Take it from someone who has been there and done it. It is not fair to her and maybe you don't want to hear it but it is not fair to her at this point in R. She already said you are scaring her and she fears for herself and the kids and is thinking of leaving. That my friend is not what you have worked so hard on to keep and get over. Don't blow it by letting the poison of anger ruin what you have worked so hard on over these 4 years.

You have done the hard work. I think your wfe did as well.

Work on you.


----------



## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

bryanp said:


> She has sex with him multiple times in his garage? Do you feel special and proud that she is your wife?


*SIGH* Seriously dude? WTF:scratchhead:

The OP need´s SERIOUS help


----------



## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

OP, what are you looking for?
Do you want to learn how to deal with your anger and triggers? Morituri has given you that.

AlmostRecovered has links under his signature for the newly betrayed. However, you are not newly betrayed. You were betrayed 4 years ago and you rug swept your wife's affair.

Tell us what are you looking for.

Pit wanted to say that you should not have let your wife read your thread. Seconded by Lordmayhem.


----------



## cheese puff (Jul 24, 2011)

i am saying we did not rug sweep this. we have talked and worked with other ppl on this for 4 years. i have read all the info ,post on here and then some. i have yet to find a person who can help me with my triggers and rage. my rage happen 1 or 2 times a year and it feels like dday all over again. i have put off meds because i have family members that get hooked on them. i fear that if they help me i will like them so good i cant stop taking them. from what i get from you guys is to drop her and move on i got to much invested in the R to move on now. i feel i can get my anger undercontrol. i have talked to a IC everyday almost i have personal friend i grew up with that is a IC he has helped us alot. he has gave me some things to do to help, but i still think i may go see someone besides my friend. we have not rug swept we have worked and worked on this, i do get offended when you tell me i have rug swept. My wife was raped from 5 to 17 by her step father. some times multiple times a day. my friend that is a IC says he can not help her it is way out of his league. 

he has told me that she was abused so much from the time she was born by her father then her step father, that she can tune out almost as if she leaves her body. he says that i will have problems with any guy that is agressive sexualy towards her if she does not get good help. so that is always on my mind and i am working on that. she needs help.


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

cheese puff, 

this is just my opinion, but the harsh comments from this thread are primarily aimed at the fact that you are having such powerful flashbacks. So people probe and it's not done sweetly to see, have you been processing the affair and dealing with the underlying causes and issues vs. pretending you could go back to the way you were before.

From your posts here and in other threads it seems to me you've handled this rather thoroughly, I for one don't see a lot of evidence of rug-sweeping.

As I mentioned before, PTSD literally is a memory triggering strong bodily reactions / sensations that linked by the memory. The simplest example is a smell bringing up recollections of a person or day in time. This is similar but in reverse, the experiences of the other day were like deja vu for your brain and your brain says DANGER and goes into overdrive.

You may need to look into some type of deeper PTSD therapy such as that given to combat veterans. It just may be how your brain is wired that the sensations are so strong and vivid that you feel like you're out of control. Once or twice a year is probably pretty darn good considering what you've gone through. You are not very likely to see them lessen in intensity, only in frequency.

I know Vietnam vets who still can't go to see a fireworks show. What you may have to do is short circuit it. I.e., at the second trigger, excuse yourself and go for a walk so that your brain gets jogged out of the groove down which you're heading. Don't allow yourself to keep getting triggered or at least get away from people so that if you're going to be violent, you can take it out on the dirt.


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Cheese puff - I don't see you rug sweeping. The issues of rage is one that you can overcome. Start with simple exercises like counting to ten, deep breathing. Seriously, these simple things are a start. Anger management is not rocket science. Just about every Veteran I see has anger issues and everyone has made great progress in dealing with it. You can too.

First, anger is not the first emotion. It is sparked by hurt, pain, humiliation, insult or a host of other things and that is the first emotion. Understanding what the first emotion is becomes helpful. Getting angry is not bad, it is what you do with it and if you can steer your anger in a productive manner and control it you will be a winner.

Second, look at what your anger causes you to do. Raise your voice, clench your jaw, want to hurt someone, refuse to speak, etc.

Third, How do you feel when you are angry? Guilty, anxious, ashamed, withdrawn, say you are sorry, etc.

What is your anger like? Last too long, flare up frequently, expresses itself even when you try to suppress it, etc.

What is the outcome of your anger? Ruins relationships, gets you into legal problems, leads to physical issues, etc.

When we are angry we often justify it by saying we are right to be angry. OK, your wife cheated on you 4 years ago. So you can justify your anger. Big whoop. I can too. So a big whoop for me. Stop it. Promise yourself that you are done going overboard. You have a right to be angry, you do not have a right to let it get out of control. Understand the first emotion of what causes your anger and start working on ways to address that. 

She was raped by her step dad. That is horrible. She needs help and you my friend can help her. And you can help each other in this process. Yes you may need professional help but I will say this, you two can help each other and it does not help your wife by having a husband who gets out of control.

You have worked too hard on R to destroy it.

You are a good man who has been hurt deeply.


----------

