# an update on my cheating husband



## Lola416 (Apr 25, 2015)

So we’ve been to counseling everything seemed to be going in a ok direction. He was always apologizing and telling me he loved me. But this week I just felt like I really could never trust him and I dont know how sincere he really is. So I decided that I wanted to get out of this marriage at least for now away from him and see how it goes from there. He didn’t seem to want to do this he feels like once I leave there will be no coming back and that may be true but o honestly don’t know. I thought marriage council would help us but I’m not sure if it did. I feel bad for my kids. But I really don’t think I can ever forgive him fully


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Of course you'll never trust him again. Trust comes from inside you and you were wrong about him once. Even if you're ultimate goal is reconciling, getting out of the marriage frees you of the "breached contract" and gives to the option of moving on from the tortfeesor or starting over with him with a clean slate. Just be sure if you start dating again, you've wiped your side of the slate clean. If you don't, its nobody's fault but yours. You'll be the one choosing to re-enter the relationship and go another round with this cat so there won't be a reason to fuss about the milk he spilled before. You'll be buying him "as is".


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Lola416 said:


> But this week I just felt like I really could never trust him and I dont know how sincere he really is.



You may never trust him again. I forgave her after about a year. 

My forgiveness was only that I gave up my "right" to hurt her in return. I'm glad I learned that this is the only requirement of forgiveness. Forgiveness does not require that we stupidly put ourselves in harm's way, or that we continue relationships to people who we cannot be "safe" with.

I saw that she was not at all sincere about having a relationship and marriage with me. I, therefore, had no safety to be intimate with her.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

VladDracul said:


> You'll be buying him "as is".


Exactly. And, guess what? "as is" isn't good enough......the most likely thing in your future is some more "spilt milk"......


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

He says he really loves you ?
Where was that love when he 
was cheating ? Did he tell you that 
while he was cheating ? He is
sorry he got caught, and may
lose everything good in his life.
You and his kids. 

If you have tried counseling and
still feel the trust is gone, then 
move on. Let him be there for his
kids. If the trust is gone and you 
feel you can never love him 
like you did before, move on.
Do not raise your children in
a potential bad relationship.
That will not be good for you
or the kids.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I caught my husband cheating and he swore it would never happen again and I was the only person he wanted to be with. Blah, blah, blah. So I stayed. And down the road it happened all over again. Once again came all the promises and lies from the time before. But I was smarter that time. I dumped him. The only problem is that I wasted many years believing those promises and lies. I don't recommend that life. 

Serial cheaters very rarely change. They're enjoying their fun too much.


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## Lola416 (Apr 25, 2015)

All these things sound so true to me. I do still love him but I just don’t think I can be totally happy with him anymore and I feel like life is short why should I be unhappy. He has gone over it in counseling how he had some depression and he was stupid that he turned to someone who gave him attention. He still swears there was no sex but I told him I don’t believe that because what was the point then? He did give me all his password he has a regular cell and a work cell and a work laptop with email but I still think if he wanted to he could be lying. The counselor Thought we were being honest and should try communication about every concern and maybe try and do some time alone. We’ve done it it was nice but then my mind shifts back Maybe I need time or maybe I just need to be out. Only time will tell


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

You're entitled to how you feel about this. Even if he is seemingly doing everything perfectly now, you are still entitled to want out.

I don't think many people are able to find trust again. Not without constantly being on the watch for any hint of anything odd going on.


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## Lola416 (Apr 25, 2015)

I agree the trust is not there and I don’t ever think I will trust him fully again. I didn’t think anything was wrong the first time so. I really do think he is a serial cheater and there is probably more that I don’t know of. I just feel like my whole marriage was a lie. I honestly don’t understand why he would even get married if this was what he really wanted to do. I feel like I now question everything he ever said or did with me. Is is true or is he just playing me as well.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Sounds wise to me. There are cheaters and non-cheaters.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Serial cheaters want all the benefits of marriage and also all the fun they get from their AP's. Few of them ever divorce because they like things just as they are. As far as trust goes, you should never 100% trust a cheater after they've shown you what they're capable of. That's asking for trouble.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Hey Lola....sorry to her things are going so rough. It sounds like you have tried some good stuff to see if you can work through this or not. If you could verify that he in fact didn't have sex with the other woman would that change your decision to separate? Or was the EA so much that it wouldn't matter anyway? IF knowing he didn't have sex would change your decision it would probalby be worth it to pay for a polygraph. A marriage and children's lives on the line would be worth the cost if it would change your decision on if you should stay or go. 

Your husband is probalby right...if you leave the chances most likely will go down that you will ever get back together. Do you have a lot of problems in your relationship besides the infidelity? If you are a good match other than that, then maybe this could be saved? I just don't know. If you do separate, you can always get back together. Heck, if you divorce you can get back together. I imagine the back and forth on the kids would be brutal though. 

I just don't believe that all cheaters are serial cheaters. Some people do make mistakes, and they learn from them and will never do it again. At the same time, some people can never get over an affair and will never be happy with their spouse ever again, so if you fall into that category (which is totally fine and justified of course) then it is best to let him go, say goodbye, and start your path to a happier life. 

I wish you the best in whatever decision you make. Let us know how else we can help.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Lola416 said:


> So we’ve been to counseling everything seemed to be going in a ok direction. He was always apologizing and telling me he loved me. But this week I just felt like I really could never trust him and I dont know how sincere he really is. So I decided that I wanted to get out of this marriage at least for now away from him and see how it goes from there. He didn’t seem to want to do this he feels like once I leave there will *be no coming back and that may be true but o honestly don’t know*. I thought marriage council would help us but I’m not sure if it did. I feel bad for my kids. But I really don’t think I can ever forgive him fully


One thing to consider is your kids might not forgive you for breaking up the family. They may weigh his affair followed by real repentance and regret (if that actually happens - so far looks like he is lying about the sex. ) against your nuking the family by demanding a divorce. This actually happened to me as a teen and it had real effects that lasted decades to work out. I am not saying you don't have the right to. Just saying you may get blamed in ways that can last decades. This is a very difficult choice for you.


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## Lola416 (Apr 25, 2015)

So we have been living apart for a week or so. I do miss him. He’s been trying to get me to come back. He says he’s knows he was a jerk and he didn’t think. He still says it never reached sex only lots a texting and there was a few kisses. He says they never met outside of work. This story just sounds so dumb to me but honestly he is dumb he is nieve and really never thinks. I tried to get that into his head but I just don’t know if he gets it. He apologizes but in the same token says he is done with it and doesn’t want to keep talking about it because it’s over he says he wants to just move on and fix us but I just feel like why if he is just telling me what I want to hear


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Kiss means sex. Maybe it was just a handjob or whatever, but something happened more than just a kiss. Sorry, that's how it usually goes.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I’m a man.

If I want a kiss, I want more. Whether I get more or not, is insonsequential. I’m my mind, I want more.

It doesn’t matter if he got more. It matters that he invested his emotions in another woman. He cheated.

Will he again? Who knows.
Past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior.

If you leave, you’re in the right.
If you go back, you’re still in the right.

Don’t let the kids thing decide.
You are entitled to be with a faithful man.
He wasn’t. They will understand when they’re older.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Lola416 said:


> I agree the trust is not there and I don’t ever think I will trust him fully again. I didn’t think anything was wrong the first time so. I really do think he is a serial cheater and there is probably more that I don’t know of. I just feel like my whole marriage was a lie. I honestly don’t understand why he would even get married if this was what he really wanted to do. I feel like I now question everything he ever saicd or did with me. Is is true or is he just playing me as well.


Cheaters are cake eaters. They want the security of the marriage and the excitement of the illicit affairs, it will take years to trust, that’s if he is doing the work necessary to build trust. If not, it’s over. Don’t rush the decision, it is your prerogative what you do, not his. If you need space take it. If he doesn’t like it, tell him you would not be in this position only because of his actions, so now you will do whatever you need to make you feel better, he just needs to suck it up. Tough titty if he doesn’t like it or if it makes him feel bad, lost, depressed etc.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Cheaters always want move to quickly move on -- and forget all about the past -- when they're caught. And they rarely own up to all they've done. They lie. And lie. And lie. It's a very rare instance where things stop at a kiss and I doubt it did with your husband. 

You're unlikely to ever know the real truth. The question is can you rebuild your marriage under those circumstances. It may take you awhile to decide.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

Ask him if he's willing to take a lie detector test.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

I'm sorry you have to deal with his inappropriate and deceitful behavior. None of this is your fault. I sent you a private message regarding scheduling a lie detector test for him.
Good luck.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Lola416 said:


> So we have been living apart for a week or so. I do miss him. He’s been trying to get me to come back. He says he’s knows he was a jerk and he didn’t think. He still says it never reached sex only lots a texting and there was a few kisses. He says they never met outside of work. This story just sounds so dumb to me but honestly he is dumb he is nieve and really never thinks. I tried to get that into his head but I just don’t know if he gets it. He apologizes but in the same token says he is done with it and doesn’t want to keep talking about it because it’s over he says he wants to just move on and fix us but I just feel like why if he is just telling me what I want to hear


I think you and your husband really need to read How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful. https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Sp.../ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=

This book will cover everything you and your husband need to know. He is not doing what is necessary to repent and help you heal. This book will show him clearly that he's not extending empathy to you. If he doesn't get it and make some massive changes after reading the book the chances are he will never get it.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I just don't think it's possible. I think it's more about making the BS feel they are the most important person through actions that should have been done long before the affair. I just can't help feeling the marriage will always be the second choice of the WS. I do wish you well.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

There is no education in the second kick of a mule.

You learned something about him the first time around (at least first time that you know about). Don't ignore what you learned.

You'll never feel good about or proud to be married to this cheater in the future. This will linger forever over your relationship until you end it.

Take him to a parking lot and tell him he will be taking a polygraph test in 30 mins (even if you don't plan on doing test).... see what he tells you.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

re16 said:


> *There is no education in the second kick of a mule*.
> 
> You learned something about him the first time around (at least first time that you know about). Don't ignore what you learned.
> 
> ...


Can I borrow that quote?


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Evinrude58 said:


> Can I borrow that quote?


By all means... I borrowed it also, but use it often....its a good rule to live by.


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## Lola416 (Apr 25, 2015)

*another update...*

So my husband has been trying hard to reconcile. We did see a therapist again I feel like our talks help a little. He keeps saying how sorry he is but I guess because he lied about the affair I just can’t believe this is not an act. I miss him but I just don’t want to put in the effort to just have him do it again I’m kind of over it I am not sure if i should try or just cut my loses. We have been married 18 years


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

*Re: another update...*



Lola416 said:


> So my husband has been trying hard to reconcile. We did see a therapist again I feel like our talks help a little. He keeps saying how sorry he is but I guess because he lied about the affair I just can’t believe this is not an act. I miss him but I just don’t want to put in the effort to just have him do it again I’m kind of over it I am not sure if i should try or just cut my loses. We have been married 18 years


It sounds like you have made a decision. 18 years is a long time but honestly the time in means nothing. That's all time gone by all you can do now is figure out if the guy you know right now is worth being married too.


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## nekonamida (Feb 21, 2017)

Lola, 3 years ago you were here with an almost identical situation. Your husband was clearly lying to you, stuck with his ridiculous story, blamed you and the marriage for the infidelity and then said he was being a stupid jerk when called out on it. I can guarantee you that the dating site account he was on was connected to a separate email of his that he never told you about or gave you access to and he came up with the lie about it being his friend's account so that if you saw anything about the other women he was messaging, he could say it wasn't him. And you know how the other woman was married? She was cheating too and had no problem lying to save her own skin when you found out. That's why they met during work. It's called being discrete in the online dating world. There were no charges for anything because they weren't buying anything. They were having sex which is free. All the evidence fits.

Why in the world would you buy his lies for a second time? Can't you see he's following the exact same pattern as last time? Therapy doesn't work when you lie about why you're there and treat a surface issue like depression but ignore the serial cheating. If you stay, there will be a third time.


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## frustratedinphx (Dec 29, 2007)

Cheating aside. Is he good to you? Do you love him? If the answer to either of those is no, think about why you’d consider staying. What are you staying for? 

If the answer to either or both are yes, there’s something seriously amiss as to why he keeps doing it. That’s his baggage to work out. If he won’t, you probably know what will happen if you stay. It’s a very personal decision. Don’t take it lightly, but do trust your gut. It’s been right before.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

@Lola416, did you try the Polygraph idea that was suggested to you? The fact that you think he is trickle-truthing you seems to be (understandably) a sticking point -- the poly may allow you to settle your mind over this and move forward -- one way or the other.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Lola416 said:


> So we’ve been to counseling everything seemed to be going in a ok direction. He was always apologizing and telling me he loved me. But this week I just felt like I really could never trust him and I dont know how sincere he really is. So I decided that I wanted to get out of this marriage at least for now away from him and see how it goes from there. He didn’t seem to want to do this he feels like once I leave there will be no coming back and that may be true but o honestly don’t know. I thought marriage council would help us but I’m not sure if it did. I feel bad for my kids. But I really don’t think I can ever forgive him fully


*If your gut instincts continue to tell you that something is still wrong and amiss in the marriage, then be fully governed by what it's trying to tell you!

With rare exception, it is usually always right!*


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

VladDracul said:


> Of course you'll never trust him again. Trust comes from inside you and you were wrong about him once. Even if you're ultimate goal is reconciling, getting out of the marriage frees you of the *"breached contract"...*


L,

18 years in with your cheating H and he is at it again.

As Vlad says your marriage is now a "breached contract". I was 30 years in with my WW when I finally caught her serially cheating after many years. Aside from the hurt, the anguish, the anger, whatever...*a breached contract was exactly how I felt with regards to my marriage*

It seems you are still on the fence with regards to R or D. After 2 years, I decided to "commit" to staying. But... There are some issues "I" had to accept that were/are probably never going to be resolved fully. My WW knows these issues. She knows I can't pretend they don't exist.

NO 3RD CHANCES.

100% Trust is forever gone. As the saying goes... "Trust No One".

I would never know the full extent of her betrayal. 1st rule in infidelity... there's always more.

You are a forever a changed person. I really believe that cheaters never get it. Being betrayed at that level alters your DNA if you will.

The marriage you had is dead. Remember the contract was breached by your WS. 

Finally, there is no statue of limitations in regards to moving on with D even after years of R. This holds true for the Betrayed and the Betrayer.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

*Re: another update...*



Lola416 said:


> So my husband has been trying hard to reconcile. We did see a therapist again I feel like our talks help a little. He keeps saying how sorry he is but I guess because he lied about the affair I just can’t believe this is not an act. I miss him but I just don’t want to put in the effort to just have him do it again I’m kind of over it I am not sure if i should try or just cut my loses. We have been married 18 years


I don't care if I had been married for 1,000 years, if my husband treated me like he has you, I would not be able to trust him ever again. All of those years would be questioned by me, wondering if they all were a lie. I would forever question every single word that came out of his proven lying mouth. If I were in your shoes, I would not waste one more millisecond with this cheater. Staying with him would be a slow, tortuous death. Trust your gut.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I agree - at this point, why not try a polygraph?


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## Aletta (Aug 7, 2017)

I think it is too early for you to know whether you can forgive or not. This takes time. Years. 

If you think you need a separation, then suggest it. You obviously need your space to figure things out.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

I have never seen counseling work, or work for long. It is difficult go change an adult's nature and counseling is often used as a stepping stone to a divorce as does separation. I have been cheated on by a fiancé in the distant past and she was so sorry and all that. I forgave her but I could not trust someone who proved that they are not trust worthy. I could never believe someone who is a proven liar who lied to me so easily. I would forever be distrustful whether they actually cheated again or not. Since I would feel the same even if they did not cheat why try to make it work. 

I was devastated when my fiancé cheated on me but it turned out to be the single best thing that ever happened to me. I would have never met my wonderful wife of 46 years had my ex fiancé not cheated. Plus my ex is married to a woman and has mental health issues. Sometimes leaving a loved one changes your life for the better.


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## Lola416 (Apr 25, 2015)

*another update maybe I’m crazy*

So we went to another therapy session today and for some reason today was a good day. I felt like he was sincerely sorry for what he did. Even though I still don’t trust him completely. I cannot do a polygraph but I did suggest it which may have been why he seemed to open up a little more to the therapist. Anyway, we r still living apart for now he wants me to move back but I’m not ready. So we have decided today that we are gonna try and fix things. We are gonna take it slow, basically start over. We r gonna “date” and see if i feel like I want to be with him or not because he swears that he already knows he wants to be with me. I don’t know if this will work but I feel like I might want to try it. I honestly never stopped loving him I was just totally hurt by him. He told me he will give me all his passwords for his phone. Work cell and emails. Yes there may be that he has more but I will have to trust he isn’t lying. He said he will not go out anywhere and not drink which he did on a lot of occasions. I feel like he is trying a little but I don’t want him to regret this either. So I guess I’m either really dumb to try or just hopeful it can work. We have another therapy session next Tuesday and we r going on a date night Friday. Fingers crossed for us


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Lola416 said:


> So we went to another therapy session today and for some reason today was a good day. I felt like he was sincerely sorry for what he did. Even though I still don’t trust him completely. I cannot do a polygraph but I did suggest it which may have been why he seemed to open up a little more to the therapist. Anyway, we r still living apart for now he wants me to move back but I’m not ready. So we have decided today that we are gonna try and fix things. We are gonna take it slow, basically start over. We r gonna “date” and see if i feel like I want to be with him or not because he swears that he already knows he wants to be with me. I don’t know if this will work but I feel like I might want to try it. I honestly never stopped loving him I was just totally hurt by him. He told me he will give me all his passwords for his phone. Work cell and emails. Yes there may be that he has more but I will have to trust he isn’t lying. He said he will not go out anywhere and not drink which he did on a lot of occasions. I feel like he is trying a little but I don’t want him to regret this either. So I guess I’m either really dumb to try or just hopeful it can work. We have another therapy session next Tuesday and we r going on a date night Friday. Fingers crossed for us


Glad to hear it sounds like he is genuinely trying and you are genuinely giving him a Chance.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Aletta said:


> I think it is too early for you to know whether you can forgive or not. This takes time. Years.


Not everyone has to follow that suggestion of waiting 6 months to a year before making a decision to go or stay. It's not rocket science figuring out cheating is a deal breaker for some.

And not everyone wants to invest *another* 3-5 years supposedly 'reconciling' with a cheater which for most people just means eating a **** sandwich every day for the rest of their lives, trying to pretend it's caviar. Most of these cheaters aren't *worth* a 3-5 year investment - ESPECIALLY serial cheaters.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*Re: another update maybe I’m crazy*



Lola416 said:


> I cannot do a polygraph.


Why not?

I'm sure your lying cheater husband KNOWS you can't do the polygraph so while it may have surprised him momentarily to hear you mention it, your empty threat meant little to him.

So, the lies will continue....


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You and your husband may enjoy this sick mating dance; but, you're doing a number on your kids. He cheats and you enjoy the hot air he blows up your skirt so you TALK and TALK and once you settle down he bides his time and starts the dance all over. You want the truth? He's been shagging anything that will climb into the back seat of his car on his lunch break. Probably for your entire marriage. 

Then he relates to his buds how stupid his wife is and they all have a good laugh (I told her we were talking about picking daisies and she actually believed me!). 

For pete's sake, divorce the sob, now. For your kids, if not for you.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I think you'll likely stay -- whether that's a good idea or not is another story -- but hopefully you will never again blindly trust him. And keep in mind children are very aware of dysfunction and tend to repeat it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Why can you not do a polygraph?


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I would never trust again, I just know me. Your husband may be sorry, he may be sorry he got caught. Hard to say. I think you should follow your logic right now. Sorry this happened.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

*Re: another update maybe I’m crazy*



Lola416 said:


> So we went to another therapy session today and for some reason today was a good day. I felt like he was sincerely sorry for what he did. Even though I still don’t trust him completely. I cannot do a polygraph but I did suggest it which may have been why he seemed to open up a little more to the therapist. Anyway, we r still living apart for now he wants me to move back but I’m not ready. So we have decided today that we are gonna try and fix things. We are gonna take it slow, basically start over. We r gonna “date” and see if i feel like I want to be with him or not because he swears that he already knows he wants to be with me. I don’t know if this will work but I feel like I might want to try it. I honestly never stopped loving him I was just totally hurt by him. He told me he will give me all his passwords for his phone. Work cell and emails. Yes there may be that he has more but I will have to trust he isn’t lying. He said he will not go out anywhere and not drink which he did on a lot of occasions. I feel like he is trying a little but I don’t want him to regret this either. So I guess I’m either really dumb to try or just hopeful it can work. We have another therapy session next Tuesday and we r going on a date night Friday. Fingers crossed for us


You can't ''fix'' a cheater. I think you're not dumb, you've just settled in your life for people like your husband. Settled for less. You have no idea that there are amazingly good men out there in the world, because all you have had is this jerk. 

You're afraid to leave the devil you know, for the ones you don't yet know.


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## Blaine (Jul 23, 2015)

I'm sorry for what ur going thru. I always say that if you take a cheater back all you have done is taught them that they may have to go thru hell but they can cheat on u. Be careful


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

Someone, maybe Einstein, said that the definition of mental illness is doing the same thing repeatedly, but expecting new results. Sorry. I'd bet you get burned again.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

OP

of course he had sex with her. duh.

I think what you are really upset about is the fact he wont come clean and admit it. the vast majority of cheaters lie about it for a couple reasons. 1 they think they will do more damage if they tell you the truth and 2 they are ashamed even though they wont openly admit it.

the problem is......you KNOW he is full of it, and him not coming clean will always make you wonder what else he is lying about. read up here how many spouses begged their wayward to come clean but it just doesn't happen. its sad because its one way he could demonstrate he is being honest and give you what you need, but likely will never happen.

if you do want to R with him, I understand, just know that the chances of it being successful are slim. change is possible, but usually only comes after the pain of the loss of something dear. that being said.....I would make your road with him a long one. don't fall for a few weeks apart and flowers. would take a lot more then that for me.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Robert22205 said:


> Ask him if he's willing to take a lie detector test.


:iagree:


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