# Suggested plan for the uninterested wife



## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Let me suggest an approach for the husband with a family and a wife is uninterested/ unwilling in sex. This is for a husband with a family (women dealing with uninterested men would have a different approach) and if you have no children and have waited you could consider leaving. For a husband and father, before you look at divorce, visitation, consider the following plan. 

1. Try to understand her as an entire person. A lot of things need to be working right for sex for the average married woman. For many, she needs to be happy with her life overall and with her husband. Is she is overwhelmed, see if you can help. Unhappy with her home, see if anything can be changed. Recognize and compliment her on the things she does right as a mother or wife (without suggesting sex shortly thereafter). 

2. Good context Try to create some romantic settings and reduce negative influences. If you have been a little sloppy, seeing dirty dishes or a sloppy family room will reduce whatever chance you had. 

3. Try to create some modest physical contact, holding hands and occasional kiss. 

4. Improve your appearance Start working out and lose some weight if needed. Don't wear some old shirts around the house. 

5. Be good. If you do have relations, you need to be good. It has to be more than a couple of minutes and ideally she can be satisfied but not in a confrontational manner (did this do it, did this do it). You want her to want more. 

6. Okay, none of this helped. Start being a little less approachable. Go out a little more. Try to see some female friends or acquaintances in acceptable circumstances. Maybe one can call you for some reason. A little jealousy or perceived interest can kick start a marriage. 

7. Consider some form of counseling

8. Have a discussion about sex not in the context of sex. Next time she wants to go to her mother's you tell you are not in the mood. Having really worked hard on your marriage, feel free to be a little tougher. A fight maybe good so she can understand that to have a marriage, she needs to be a wife. Resist the tendency to be blunt or connect things too quickly. Let her figure out the connection between her unapproachability and your lack of interest in other areas. 

8. You have genuinely tried to meet her needs, taken her to romantic places, got in better shape, and even tried to make her jealous and still nothing. Then consider saying, I understand you want a divorce and I am prepared to discuss it. If she expressed surprise, note that a satisfactory marital relationship is a part of marriage, and she said she does not want it. 

If she wants to preserve the marriage, be nice, tell her that you will try to meet whatever her needs are. Do note that sex is not simply physical feeling but the feeling of constant rejection and that you are not good enough devastating for the average man.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

There is pure gold in both of these posts.

I can add a few.

1. Don't be a jerk about sex. If she refuses, don't get all emotional in front of her. This gives her reasons in her mind to get turned off regarding sex with you (he is soooooo needy). 

2. Don't buy into all the reasons she says she does not care about sex. You need to believe in your heart that underneath it all is a sexual woman and her logical rationale for not wanting sex is just a test to see if you are weak. Don't buy into the concept of a low sex drive but recognize that she does not view sex the same way you do.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Good post. Actually, requiring some jumping from a woman can be a turn on for her as well.

A totally undemanding"nice" guy can be a huge turn off.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Tested2 said:


> Hoop #1 hoop #2 hoop #3..hoop #n..... what about her?
> 
> Why is it always the guy who has to jump through hoops here?


I think the posts are saying not to jump through hoops.
Being a good husband is not jumping through a hoop.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

How about...

Work out, get muscles, get in shape. 

You will never talk a women into being sexually attracted. Become hot, become someone she would drool over...become a man that makes her panties fall off when you enter the room. 

It works. 3 years ago I was out of shape, always tired, fat..too fat..about 120 #'s overweight. Big surprise, wife wasn't that interested in sex.

I've lost 130#'s. I run 5 miles every day. I squat 465# -deadlift 600#. (Thank GOD for SL 5x5's). 

I stopped counting how many phone numbers get handed to me, at the grocery store, coffee shop, restaurants, etc. 

The biggest win and coolest part....i have sex whenever i want it. typically 2 times a day -morning and night...3 if she comes to the office for lunch (about 3 times a week). I travel for work...she used to not care. She now moves heaven and earth to come with me or at least be there for a few days a week. The things she will do now...O.M.G. The things she thinks up...just wow. 

TLDR...Before you analyze your wife's likes and dislikes, try to get all romantic and woo her. Make sure you are working your ass off to be the best you ...that you can be. 

Just one mans experience and opinion.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Hicks said:


> I think the posts are saying not to jump through hoops.
> Being a good husband is not jumping through a hoop.


I agree....It's not hoops. 

A good husband leads. Lead her to the place where she wants you 24/7: Be a great you, Be kind, Use your manners...."Please and thank you", Treat her like a lady......everywhere but the bedroom, where she is just yours. 

If your looking at this likes hoops that you jump through and you are done...you might as well quit now. There is no seminar to attend, don't put "wash dishes" on your calender's action item list and think you are gonna get laid. Just worry about making you the awesome...once you start doing that...she WILL notice..there WILL be changes. 

Marriage takes work, everyday. Being a leader takes work, everyday. 

The rewards are worth it....soooo worth it.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Tested2 said:


> The list is hoops... you are right a good husband should not have to do any of that.


I suggest that "Good Husband" is all about point of view....and the husband doesn't get to call himself good..Just a Husband...just a man. 

The wife will call you "Good"...when you are....


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Tested2 said:


> The list is hoops... you are right a good husband should not have to do any of that.


Did you read it?

What is your suggested plan for the uninterested wife? Wait around?


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

TAM sure could use more threads like this. It can get pretty negative around here with the complaints about how we don't get our needs met just so, and how that makes our spouses "bad" spouses. 

This sort of thinking rejects victim mentality in favor of leadership, proactivity, and self-improvement. If you make yourself a better person, you give your marriage the best chance. If your marriage fails, well, you get to still be a better person. 

Love it. Thanks OP.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Love it! I love this thread to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Tested2 said:


> Wife's have a big part in this yet you do not hear anything about them..always the man changing.


Do you lack an understanding of how life works?

You want something in life, YOU are the one who has to make it happen. Not wait around for another person to hand it to you.

Maybe that's a place to start for you.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Tested2 said:


> Problem is though that rarely works... look at your own marriage the only thing that worked was when you figured it out 10 years later...that is what works.


:scratchhead: 
So my husband and I should have just kept on doing what we were doing? 

Self improvement isn't gender specific. There are plenty of things that unhappy wives can do to up their game if they feel that they are not getting their needs met. It took _me_ ten years to make the game changing move--doesn't mean it has to take everyone that long. If fact, perhaps if my husband or I had seen a thread like this ten years ago our journey would have been different. 





Tested2 said:


> So threads like this can put the person getting the raw end of it in a better place but to believe it is a "plan" for the uninterested wife is flawed... at best its something to try but don't hold your breath.
> 
> Reality is much darker...sometimes it is the other spouse regardless of what you do...that's the reality of these situations.


Sometimes. But self-fulfilling prophesies are the risk you run when your only plan is to protect yourself. Pick your poison.


P.S. I see that you just joined yesterday, but you remind me very much of another T2 I used to know


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Tested2 said:


> Point me to a thread(s) where the man changing resolved the issue. Face it if the man is "decent" which many are here then it falls on the other spouse to change not him. He has a normal sex drive, he wants her...other spouse? not so much.
> 
> *I personally greatly improved my marriage and sex life by starting with changing the way I acted. If you read what Bobby wrote thoroughly you will see item number 8 8. Have a discussion about sex not in the context of sex. Next time she wants to go to her mother's you tell you are not in the mood. Having really worked hard on your marriage, feel free to be a little tougher. A fight maybe good so she can understand that to have a marriage, she needs to be a wife. Resist the tendency to be blunt or connect things too quickly. Let her figure out the connection between her unapproachability and your lack of interest in other areas.  That is about the woman making changes. Her change is a result of the man changing his attitudes about what he will put up with in his marriage.*
> 
> ...


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

GettingIt said:


> :scratchhead:
> So my husband and I should have just kept on doing what we were doing?
> 
> Self improvement isn't gender specific. There are plenty of things that unhappy wives can do to up their game if they feel that they are not getting their needs met. It took _me_ ten years to make the game changing move--doesn't mean it has to take everyone that long. If fact, perhaps if my husband or I had seen a thread like this ten years ago our journey would have been different.
> ...


I was thinking that exact thing :lol:


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

*Would be interesting to see a list side-by-side... perceptions of "equity" and how much she does might be broken if we actually did that.*

Now granted she cooks dinner and goes shopping more than I do..I'll give her that.

*In the end each does what they want...or are good at.
Yet guys get more hoops for sex with their own wife...unreal.

Wife's have a big part in this yet you do not hear anything about them..always the man changing*.[/QUOTE]


We don't live on planet fair....in the solar system of equality. We live on earth where married men like to get laid too -and attraction isn't guaranteed or static...females want what they want...males are the same. Use the info...don't fight it, because lots of evolution has moved us to this point and will not be swayed by arguments of equity, equality, or anything else for that matter. 

You can make yourself a kick-ass version of you...which is guaranteed to attract lots of female attention...including your wife. With the side effect of living longer, feeling better and being happier...

or....you can lament the fact that life isn't fair.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Tested2 said:


> In a way YES. That's about all one can do other than cheat or divorce.
> 
> What i hope is that one day she has a revelation as i am aware these games to win her back are just games.
> 
> ...


But T2, your "Plan" really isn't a plan . . . it's passivity and acceptance. Which is fine if it's your choice. 

But other folks prefer to DO SOMETHING; even if there is no guarantee that it will work, even if there is only a small chance it will work. Because improving yourself and being a kind and loving spouse are things that will help hold bitterness and resentment and despair at bay. And because marriage is something you work at, not just something you stand aside and observe. Most people don't mind being active in their marriages, most people find it preferable to doing nothing and letting the marriage just "happen" to them. Of course it's preferable if both partners are working towards a common goal, but anyone who has been married for awhile knows that sometimes it can be a slog, and you can feel alone and helpless. No one wants to just sit around and wait when they feel alone and helpless in their marriage (well, not many people.) They want to find a solution, and that's why they look for things to try. 

No one suggests that folks fool themselves into thinking that doing A will automatically lead to result B. It's often very hit or miss, but the benefits come from what you learn about yourself, your marriage, and your spouse along the way. More information is a good thing--it can make your path forward more clear.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

All good posts...but (isn't there always a 'but'?!)....there shouldn't be any hoops in a marriage.
And just as there aren't little elves who put clean socks in your drawer neither are there little elves who make sure the car is serviced, the insurance paid, the firewood chopped and the grass cut.

A marriage is a team, or a company. You both work together for the good of the family, the household, yourselves AND your marriage. Its almost like a set of cogs all working together to make the entire 'thing' work.
If one 'cog' stops working it affects the whole equilibrium.

Each of those jobs/responsibilities/cogs is just as important as the others. 
Both the husband and the wife have to understand how the other works and how important it is that they work together for the good of themselves, their marriage and the family.

If the wife fails to understand the importnace of sex to her husband it will effect everything....if the husband doesn't understand the importance of flowers, candle lit baths etc are to his wife it will effect everything.


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

Tested2 said:


> But in reality flowers and candle lit baths means he is aiming for sex later... so it really is back to her not supporting sex...the reason this is true is once sexless flowers and candle lit baths stop cold.


Tested2, 

Can you remember why your W fell in love with you way back when?

Remember when you couldn't wait to see her again?

How much effort do you put into the R now compared to then?

The bitterness you feel comes through quite clear and I'm sure your W can sense this. 

Take a step back and really think about how your W may be feeling right now compared to before marriage. What has changed? What hasn't changed? Is life boring, stagnant and are you two just coasting through life?

Google 'why women fall out of love with men'


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Tested2 said:


> Hoop #1 hoop #2 hoop #3..hoop #n..... what about her?
> 
> Why is it always the guy who has to jump through hoops here?


Bingo.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Ok.. Here's another angle. Let's say you are single and you want to get a girl to have sex with you. Do you take any action to make that happen? Do you feel you are jumping through hoops? Can you just walk up to a girl on the street and say lets have sex? Flip it around... If a girl walks up to a guy and says "lets have sex"... would the guy need anything more ?

The lesson for guys is simply marrying a woman does not suddenly change the nature of men and the nature of women. It does not relieve you of the responsibility to do things to make her sexually attracted to you. You can fight this idea all you want, but you will not be successful.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

askari said:


> All good posts...but (isn't there always a 'but'?!)....there shouldn't be any hoops in a marriage.
> And just as there aren't little elves who put clean socks in your drawer neither are there little elves who make sure the car is serviced, the insurance paid, the firewood chopped and the grass cut.
> 
> *A marriage is a team, or a company. You both work together for the good of the family, the household, yourselves AND your. marriage. Its almost like a set of cogs all working together to make the entire 'thing' work.
> ...


I think this sums it up pretty well. 

It's not useful to say that working on your marriage equates to "jumping" through hoops. I think that by the time the relationship reaches the point that one spouse or the other feels that meeting the needs of the other is "jumping through hoops," the damage has already progressed to the point of resentment and bitterness. A very dangerous place to be, and a place, unfortunately, where many posters here on TAM find themselves. 

It's hard to help folks who are so hurt that they can only operate defensively. The only "work" they are willing to do amounts to self preservation. Suggesting that they put themselves out there and risk the possibility of more rejection is anathema to them. 

Often these folks also find themselves paralyzed by their perception of victimhood. Not only are they unwilling to do anymore "work" because why should they, they are not the problem, the spouse is--but they are also unwilling to draw a line in the sand for fear their spouse will step over it. 

They are stuck between their pride and their fear. A bad place to be, where the only power they they can wield serves only to distance them from their desires.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Hicks said:


> The lesson for guys is simply marrying a woman does not suddenly change the nature of men and the nature of women. It does not relieve you of the responsibility to do things to make her sexually attracted to you. You can fight this idea all you want, but you will not be successful.


I always say, "Do you wanna be right, or do you wanna get laid?"


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Hicks said:


> Ok.. Here's another angle. Let's say you are single and you want to get a girl to have sex with you. Do you take any action to make that happen? Do you feel you are jumping through hoops? Can you just walk up to a girl on the street and say lets have sex? Flip it around... If a girl walks up to a guy and says "lets have sex"... would the guy need anything more ?
> 
> The lesson for guys is simply marrying a woman does not suddenly change the nature of men and the nature of women. It does not relieve you of the responsibility to do things to make her sexually attracted to you. You can fight this idea all you want, but you will not be successful.


But if both parties feel they are "hoop" jumping? Then the marriage is more fvcked than both of them know. 

And I will throw this wrench in the works: most women don't have a clue what motivates men. Nada. They talk a big game about being more emotionally grounded and intelligent then men...truth is they know jack sh!t about what men need to feel loved. They are as fvcking clueless as we guys are. 

An unsolicited blowjob, at the most unexpected moment, will do wonders for a man. Hell, after getting an NSA hummer, most guys will build a freakin' Japanese garden in the back yard for their wives...with carp.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I wonder what these wives' IQ is?


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> But if both parties feel they are "hoop" jumping? Then the marriage is more fvcked than both of them know.


Word. 



bandit.45 said:


> And I will throw this wrench in the works: most women don't have a clue what motivates men. Nada. They talk a big game about being more emotionally grounded and intelligent then men...truth is they know jack sh!t about what men need to feel loved. They are as fvcking clueless as we guys are.


Word. 



bandit.45 said:


> An unsolicited blowjob, at the most unexpected moment, will do wonders for a man. Hell, after getting an NSA hummer, most guys will build a freakin' Japanese garden in the back yard for their wives...with carp.


Word.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Tested2 said:


> Many will say "right" it is not worth the effort to get sex scraps from a spouse *who should be freely giving it up. *You adjust.


Oh, you mean jumping through hoops?

Sorry T2; I shouldn't poke at you. Sigh. Our desire just does not work like a man's does. I sometimes wish it did. But it just doesn't. 

This does seem like a hard reality that some men rail against. I don't think women get any sort of "free pass" to let their libido die and not work on a way to bring it back. But just expecting them to "freely give it up" is a pipe dream. We need our husband's cooperation and willingness to work WITH us. As a previous poster pointed out, it's a partnership.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

I'm not going to empty the dishwasher, cut the grass, run my wife a bath in the hope of getting laid. I have more pride and self esteem than that. I would do it for the benefit of 'the team'.

Sadly as my wife has stopped being a team player, I do things for the benefit of the children 'side' of my family. If my wife benefits as a consequence then fine.
If you want to be treated as an integral part of the team then then you have to act like one.

If I saw a girl in the street that I fancied and wanted to shag, of course I would flatter her and buy her flowers etc...I'm a horny, sex starved guy! 
In a 'proper' marriage buying your wife flowers and her making love to you should come naturally anyway. I think its called unconditional love...... Something alot of men on here probably only get from their children.
Me being one of them.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Tested2 said:


> I completely understand that... you yourself saw that over ten years... were you justified in making that entire decade much harder...doubt it. Now you are trying to rectify that lost decade.


No longer "trying." We BOTH finally "got it." Now we are DOING. 

I put my hurt aside (and yes, there was hurt and resentment that was "justified" on my side) and came to understand and accept that his needs were different than mine. I came to understand and accept that if I could put my resentment aside, I could change my marriage by changing ME. Call that hoop-jumping if you want, but it was worth it. 



Tested2 said:


> So you are a perfect example of the issue at hand...uninterested wife


I lost sexual desire for my husband, yes. Didn't know why, looked in all the wrong places--places where he asked me to look (therapist, doctor.) Didn't occur to look at the radical changes that parenthood, home ownership, careers, etc. had brought to our dynamic, and how that affected my desire. 

I think most people don't bother to look there. We are spoon fed this fantasy of how we should just want to have sex with our spouses because that's what married people do, because that's what our vows mean. And many women do just "give freely." But when the true sexual desire isn't there, when it's duty sex--even lovingly given duty sex-- the husbands knows it. And many of them reject it. They remember what it was like to be truly desired, and it's that they miss as much as the sex itself. 

Getting your wife to be truly horny for you again after she's lost it is not for the faint of heart, I'll admit it. 



Tested2 said:


> Female desire is unique..what I don't get though is the complete lack of sympathy for male desire which is much more predictable... its more one sided than it should be...and communication is a joke.


I agree with you here. I think many, many women under appreciate how integral marital sex is to a man's sense of self worth, well-being, and over all health. It's is, in part, a communication issue. Like some men, some women are dismissive of needs they don't understand or have as need for themselves. 



Tested2 said:


> And women wonder why their husbands don't help as much as they used to or aren't jumping up and down with joy...pretty simple but they tend to justify their actions...and have many friends who similarly pulled the plug.


Both men and women do this. You only make people want to dismiss you and your (valid) points by blaming one gender. 



Tested2 said:


> You keep banging your head against the wall as a male one stops...and goes around the wall.
> Would be nice if all issues could be resolved in a discussion or two but alas spouses let decades go by before getting it...or you die with unresolved conflicts.. oh joy


Such is life. You can lay down and die, or you can get up and climb.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

1. Try to understand her as an entire person. A lot of things need to be working right for sex for the average married woman. For many, she needs to be happy with her life overall and with her husband. Is she is overwhelmed, see if you can help. Unhappy with her home, see if anything can be changed. Recognize and compliment her on the things she does right as a mother or wife (without suggesting sex shortly thereafter).

***I think this sounds good in theory, but it really depends on the particular reasons why your wife is unhappy. If you as a husband aren't pulling your weight, you should step up. But if you are pulling your weight, doing more in an effort to placate her is actually counterproductive, in my opinion. It encourages her to be unreasonable. Success on this point requires taking a hard, objective look at what each of you is bringing to the table.*** *2. Good context Try to create some romantic settings and reduce negative influences. If you have been a little sloppy, seeing dirty dishes or a sloppy family room will reduce whatever chance you had.

***Again, all about context. Trying too hard looks weak and is unattractive. If you have a wife who ignores you when it is clear you really, really want her, what is making an overt display of how much you really, really, really want her going to do? On the other hand, if you generally just act indifferent to her, making such a gesture may be worth a try.*** *
3. Try to create some modest physical contact, holding hands and occasional kiss.

****I think this is a good one. Equally important is to know when to walk away. You want to get her thinking about you.*** *
4. Improve your appearance Start working out and lose some weight if needed. Don't wear some old shirts around the house. 

****This is a given and should be followed without qualification. Always maximize your appearance.*** *
5. Be good. If you do have relations, you need to be good. It has to be more than a couple of minutes and ideally she can be satisfied but not in a confrontational manner (did this do it, did this do it). You want her to want more.

****I think this needs to be applied from a place of strength. Be good because you are good. It should not be a trick you are performing for her. If it comes off that way, it is weak. If you can't have these types of interactions without looking like a pleading puppy dog, avoid them until you can have them confidently and on your terms.*** * 

6. Okay, none of this helped. Start being a little less approachable. Go out a little more. Try to see some female friends or acquaintances in acceptable circumstances. Maybe one can call you for some reason. A little jealousy or perceived interest can kick start a marriage.

****This should be higher on the list.*** *
7. Consider some form of counseling

****I am not a fan. I have not heard many (any?) stories where counseling worked out well for the man in this situation. You can't negotiate desire. Maybe on a short term basis to make sure the problems can be identified in a neutral environment. Long term, I think this is a poor strategy.****
8. Have a discussion about sex not in the context of sex. Next time she wants to go to her mother's you tell you are not in the mood. Having really worked hard on your marriage, feel free to be a little tougher. A fight maybe good so she can understand that to have a marriage, she needs to be a wife. Resist the tendency to be blunt or connect things too quickly. Let her figure out the connection between her unapproachability and your lack of interest in other areas. 

****This is good, but I wouldn't even mention sex at all. It is very important that you be independent and make decisions that make sense for you. If you don't want to do something for her, don't do it. You don't need another reason.*** *
8. You have genuinely tried to meet her needs, taken her to romantic places, got in better shape, and even tried to make her jealous and still nothing. Then consider saying, I understand you want a divorce and I am prepared to discuss it. If she expressed surprise, note that a satisfactory marital relationship is a part of marriage, and she said she does not want it.

****If you are at this point, I don't think there is any benefit in trying to further negotiate. Again, you can't negotiate desire. Make your decision on your own. If you decide to stay, own it and accept that you are bound to a partner who will likely never meet your needs.*** * 

If she wants to preserve the marriage, be nice, tell her that you will try to meet whatever her needs are. Do note that sex is not simply physical feeling but the feeling of constant rejection and that you are not good enough devastating for the average man.[/QUOTE]


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