# Denial



## Shane SG (Nov 6, 2021)

Married 14 years - no sex for 3 and living in different countries. Yes I am in denial - we are both in denial - but she is a nice person. How to take that step when the intimacy is gone with her and you discovered it may be better with someone else.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Shane SG said:


> Married 14 years - wife and two kids 10 and 12 moved back to Los Angeles 4 years ago while my business is in Shanghai. I would travel back once a month for 7-10 days and play happy families. Then Covid hit and I got stuck / have been back once in 18 months. We stopped having sex 3 and a half years ago. I will call every day but she is more a sister than a lover now. Thought of ending it many times but stayed for the kids. I ended up meeting someone who gives me real joy in Shanghai but am caught by my love for her and duty not to break up the family. I told my wife I am not staying in the family home next visit - but still she acts like we can work it out. I know I need to set her free but it makes me sick to the bone thinking about it.


You can't have your cake and eat it too. 

Also, the "staying for the kids" excuse makes no sense in your situation. You aren't living in the home, so it will hardly be a change for them.


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## Shane SG (Nov 6, 2021)

bobert said:


> You can't have your cake and eat it too.
> 
> Also, the "staying for the kids" excuse makes no sense in your situation. You aren't living in the home, so it will hardly be a change for them.


Thank you - yes I agree I can’t have my cake and eat it too. My wife is a good woman - great mother. She’s a nice person. Im just wresting with the dilemma I assume is common - where things are functional in some ways but the intimacy is just dead and likely not coming back


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Shane SG said:


> Thank you - yes I agree I can’t have my cake and eat it too. My wife is a good woman - great mother. She’s a nice person. Im just wresting with the dilemma I assume is common - where things are functional in some ways but the intimacy is just dead and likely not coming back


Does your wife know you're having an affair?


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## Shane SG (Nov 6, 2021)

bobert said:


> Does your wife know you're having an affair?


no - and the counsellors would tell me I should not make her feel like she is being “replaced”.l I see the affair as a symptom of the intimacy issues - don’t want to make the focus the other person because I am not saying that is necessarily the future (as it is early days)


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Shane SG said:


> I see the affair as a symptom of the intimacy issues


Nope. That's BS, sorry.


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## Oakellen (Apr 1, 2021)

You’ve been home once in 18 months. Very few marriages could sustain that type of separation. Add in another woman and your wife doesn’t stand a chance. It’s not accurate to say your wife is in denial when she doesn’t even know you are in a relationship with another woman.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

You might be having some denial yourself sir.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Shane SG said:


> Married 14 years - no sex for 3 and living in different countries. Yes I am in denial - we are both in denial - but she is a nice person. How to take that step when the intimacy is gone with her and you discovered it may be better with someone else.


Um, why even post this? You don't live together, and you don't have sexual intimacy, at the very best you are friends, at worst acquaintances. What's to talk about?

Oh and you are having an emotional affair. 

So you can commit to your marriage and work to fix it, or you can divorce her. Or you can be a monster and have an affair. 

You pick. None are going to be easy. But it is pretty simple.


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## Coloratura (Sep 28, 2021)

Shane SG said:


> Thank you - yes I agree I can’t have my cake and eat it too. My wife is a good woman - great mother. She’s a nice person. Im just wresting with the dilemma I assume is common - where things are functional in some ways but the intimacy is just dead and likely not coming back


Of course the intimacy is dead and not likely coming back. You live in separate countries and you are having an affair. An affair is not a “symptom” of lack of intimacy. It shows that you are not putting in the work necessary to maintain your relationship with your wife and family. If it really made you “sick to the bone” you would end your affair and come back to your wife.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Shane SG said:


> and the counsellors would tell me I should not make her feel like she is being “replaced”.l I see the affair as a symptom of the intimacy issues -



These "counsellors" are CHARLATANS. Your wife IS being replaced. That is the TRUTH. Your "counsellors" are LEADING your denial.

An affair is a "symptom" of self-control, selfishness, and sin. "intimacy issues" is a scapegoat.


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## DLC (Sep 19, 2021)

I think you already know what’s going on and what’s going to happen next. Somehow you want people to tell you what you already have in mind.

I don’t know what other excuses you are giving yourself. But just do it, get it over with. If your wife is a good woman, she deserves another chance in life after the divorce.


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