# Is it time for a divorce?



## notsurewife (Mar 15, 2009)

This year I will have nine years being married. I have the strongest feeling that I need to be done with this marriage and call it quits. From the start of the marriage it started off rocky because of the discovery of an email I found after we married. I figured out my husband email address and read an email from a women, with the message history of their conversation. The email was dated two weeks before our wedding date, he told her how he misses her and how he wants to see her again. Going into the marriage my outlook on marriage was “I found the guy of my life, honest, sweet and someone who I can really wake up to each day”, but when I read that email it dropped my heart and I felt betrayed and disgusted that he would go after another women prior to our marriage, which ment the he was seeing other people while I was engaged with him. I confronted him and he was apologetic and promised he would never do that to me in our marriage. It was really hard for me to trust him after that, to feel those pure feelings as when we first got married, as if I lost everything I believed in a marriage. By the way I found out about the email a month into our marriage. Well I was able to put that in the past and it was hard for me to feel secure and trusting in him every so often I would get those feeling of, what if he is cheating on me, then I ignore them and move on my day. Did I mention we only dated six months before we tied the knot? Okay, I can imagine what your thinking now and no wonder I got my self into this situation.
Well the next six years during our marriage we constantly were getting into arguments over little things and how inconsiderate he was. I was always crying all the time and threaten a few times I would leave but he told me he would change and be a better person so I stayed. Thing did change but it seemed that things and tension was always there. Now were headed to our ninth year and I really think our marriage is dead. We make love every so often but that is really the only time when were passionate with one another. Through out the day he is in his world and I seem to be pushed to the side and while he is in his don’t bother me mode. For example, I had to bring it to his attention, lets do something like go to the movies, he was uncertain and really did not want to be bother but as I was going to make something to eat he said arnt we going to the movies? I said sure lets go, so we went and he saved our seats and the movies was more of a kids movie and that was okay but he was getting upset during the previews and telling all the kids to shh. Be quite, I told him it is a kids movie, he turned to me and told me shh. But in a angry way. After that he was upset at me during the whole movie, did even bother to make any contact, hold hands or even comment on the movies like before, he was cold to me. 
A month ago I wrote him a letter telling him how since I was married I put off my family, church, and friends for him and I seemed to lost my self along the way, and wanted to get a divorce because I was no longer happy in the marriage. He begged me to stay and I agreed. 
After today, I am so confused, hurt and upset that I am here sitting on my at 1:11 am while he is busy with his own life, on the computer. It seems that he does not include me in anything any more and he rather not bother with me. 
How do I know if it is time for divorce?


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

no one can tell you if it's time for a divorce, but I read your other post on someone else's thread, and was shocked by your story of your husband telling you once you had gotten pregnant , After you two were married, and you wanted the baby so much, and he seemed to want it to, but then told you "I won't help you and I don't want this baby"....

Your own husband, helped get you pregnant, something You were very happy about, and because he changed his mind, you had an abortion. It's not like this is a case of , neither one of you wanted the baby. He backed you into a corner , and you did something you didn't want to do, because you were scared he'd never be a Dad to the child. He was your husband for pete's sake.

I can't believe any man would do that to his wife. Not if he knew his wife was so excited about having the baby. And after all you pointed out above, he seems like a total jerk.

I personally would never have let someone do that to me. He essentially abandoned you , in your marriage when the news of your baby came, and you aborted your child, because your husband told you "he didn't wanna help" .... He sounds like he's not worth his salt.

I personally would leave, if this were me. That's just me though, so you'll have to think long and hard, and maybe some therapy, could help? 

But really, if I got married, and then got pregnant, whether planned or not, and my husband told me one day he was happy, and the next that he wasn't going to help me, support me, and that he didn't want out baby. He'd be Gone..... I'd be a single Mom and the baby would be well loved. Your husband is the Epitome of selfish. Who could do that?


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## Unit4 (Mar 15, 2009)

notsurewife said:


> I said sure lets go, so we went and he saved our seats and the movies was more of a kids movie and that was okay but he was getting upset during the previews and telling all the kids to shh. Be quite, I told him it is a kids movie, he turned to me and told me shh. But in a angry way. After that he was upset at me during the whole movie, did even bother to make any contact, hold hands or even comment on the movies like before, he was cold to me.


I would find it easy to take a man's perspective on this and find myself feeling like 1) a dolt for choosing a kids movie on a date with my wife and 2) a double dolt for showing my shame as anger directed toward my wife. No wonder he didn't make contact. Try not to see it as genuine anger at you. He double screwed up and was probably ashamed. Actually, triple if you count the motive for going in the first place. Just my guess. I'm not trying to say its your fault. Men can be sensitive and we're taught not to respect this.


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## findingpeace (Mar 14, 2009)

I would leave him for awhile see if it wakes him up if it does you need to set ground rules


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

marina72 said:


> no one can tell you if it's time for a divorce, but I read your other post on someone else's thread, and was shocked by your story of your husband telling you once you had gotten pregnant , After you two were married, and you wanted the baby so much, and he seemed to want it to, but then told you "I won't help you and I don't want this baby"....


I too tread this and was shocked. It is an understatement to say he is both immature and selfish. However to have goon on this long with him, there must be either a bit of co-dependency going on, or he has some very redeeming features.

I don't think he is beyond waking up, but he will need to have his very own epiphany - you can't wake up for him. But you might just wake up one day and say, "I'm done".


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