# please help... need advise on affair



## random guy (Feb 22, 2012)

Hello all, this is my first time to this site and I really hope this forum can help me in trying to understand my wife and marriage a little better.


On Chritmas of this year, I found out my wife had been exchanging texts with another man. This had been going on for roughly 9 months. Here's the background: My wife had been secretely texting/facebooking an older man (16 years older) This man is fairly popular slightly famous from where we reside. --Actually, we reside about 100 miles south of where this man performs and resides, so there is distance barrier. He's in a very popular rock band, which has a fairly large following. Anyway, after a show last March, my wife friended this man on facebook. Not long after that, the two of them began texting back and forth (flirtingly she admits) She states that in the beginning, he was the pursuer (the one who innitated all of the action) He too is married (seperated currently from getting caught in another affair with a married woman) 

Texting went on back and forth for a few weeks, months, etc... My wife and I continued attending the band's shows, as I was totally unsuspecting... I figured my wife just liked to dance, and thats normal. anyway, getting back on track, the night i found the text messages, I just randomly went through her phone when she was asleep. We had just returned from one of his shows. I just had some nagging feeling inside of me that something wasn't right. As it turns out, I found out the two of them were texting back and forth the entire night, sharing innocent pictures of themselves as well. 

When I confronted my wife about this, (rather angerly) my wife quickly fessed up to what she had been doing. She was crying throughout the night, begging for forgiveness, saying she screwed up, etc... etc... She showed genuine remorse. She stated that this started 9 months ago, it was purely texting, nothing physical, and the only pictures she sent him were that of innocent nature. She did admit to one time meeting him for lunch in the pressence of her mother (who is also a big fan of the band). Obviously I was devistated and shocked. I still am, two months later...

The next day she sent him a text saying that their friendship must end, that she has made a huge mistake, saying that she loves me and has betrayed not only me, but herself and her daughter as well. --In a sense, she ended it. The day following, she willilngly changed her phone number, and deactivated her facebook account and blocked him as well. We went to one counseling session a few days after this all went down, and it apparantly went well.

However, two days passed (hard days) and my wife broke down and admitted more to the story. She said she just couldn't hold it in anymore. She admitted to driving 50 miles (halfway between us and him) to have lunch with him on one occasion, meeting him for lunch, while shopping near where he resides on another occassion and even stopping by his home one afternoon while I was away on business. She said and has repeated to say that the only thing to physically happen was that they kissed the day she went to his place. She says after kissing him for a few seconds, she just stopped, realized that what she was doing wasn't right and left. she said she was only in his home for 15 minutes topps....She also said that she during the summer had sent him pictures of her in her bikini a few times.

Her reasonings for doing this were simple... she said she, "liked the attention that she was receiving), nothing more. She thought it was cool, that "a guy like that found interest in a girl like her". She said she wasn't sexually attracted to him in any way shape or form... She said she would never, or could never sleep with the man...She also doesn't like using the term, "affair" because in her mind all it was, was a "twisted friendship"

Obvioulsy i was devestated once again... She swore up and down that there was no sex. Nothing! -- I have a hard time beleiving this... She swore on a bible, called a lie detector company (even left a message on their voice-mail, and emailed the lie detector company as well). I even confronted the man via text, asking if he had ever slept with her... Of course he denied, said they were just friends and that they had never done anything other than the kiss that I knew about. I guess that made me feel somewhat better. ( I also threatened to physically harm him if he made contact with her again and he agreed that he would never talk to her. He also said he would inform me if she made contact with him) 

the next morning that she didn't have to do the lie detector test. --also the next day we met with our Pastor at church, where she confessed to what she had done, cried uncontrollably, but again insisted that it was nothing sexual in nature...

Since that day in early January, our marriage has been great, we've been happy, talking, having sex, being just in love again... It really has been great. (although we do still talk about the subject from time to time, because it just feels good to let my feelings out sometimes) We've been reading "The Love Dare" each night and our marriage has been probably the best its ever been. In fact, we just found out that she is pregnant again!! (we really were having a lot of make-up sex I guess)

I guess durring the past few years, we grew somewhat distant, lacked effection, our sex wasn't as prevalent, etc... I take some responsibility because I wasn't showing her any effection whatsoever, and to be completely honest, I've had discussions with other women as well. -- Which I've admitted to, but nothing on the lines of what she did...

Anyway, (thanks for reading that) I'm still troubled that there may be more to the story...It sort of haunts me. I just can't get it out of my mind... She insists that I know everything!! She sometimes feels bad even mentioning it. The whole thought of it just makes her feel terrible inside, she says... Again, I truly believe she is sorry... She swears she'll never, ever do that again to me...

I guess what I'm wanting to know is if there could be a part of her that is still withholding truth from me... I just want to know. What bugs me is that she admitted she went to his home.

Does anyone else out here believe her that she didn't sleep with this man? Or do you think she did, but is unwilling to admit it for both reasons of shame and to protect our marriage??

Does anyone out there know why she may have done this?

Does anyone out there think she may do this again?

Does anyone out there know if I can ever fully trust her again?

Finally, how long does it take to recover from this sort of affair??


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## random guy (Feb 22, 2012)

It should also be noted that I love my wife very, very much! The distance that came between us in our marriage I feel was purly out of stress, finances, work, raising a child... You know, the norm...


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

random guy said:


> Does anyone else out here believe her that she didn't sleep with this man? Or do you think she did, but is unwilling to admit it for both reasons of shame and to protect our marriage??
> 
> Does anyone out there know why she may have done this?
> 
> ...



for starters please read the welcome newbies link in my signature as you will not only learn the abbreviations and terms used here but learn quite a bit about affairs and how to recover or move on from the cheating spouse

let's get to your questions 
*
Does anyone else out here believe her that she didn't sleep with this man? Or do you think she did, but is unwilling to admit it for both reasons of shame and to protect our marriage??*

hard to say, one of the things cheaters do is called "trickle truth", they hold back info to either protect themselves and the affair or avoid hurting you. Perhaps you shouldn't have backed out of the polygraph? (altho I am not a fan of them) Some texts can be retrieved depending on the phone so perhaps you can find out thru that? What kind of phone?

*Does anyone out there know why she may have done this?*

Short answer is selfishness

the better answer- Not because of anything you did or did not do. She needs to take 100% of the blame for the affair

*Does anyone out there think she may do this again?*

well it seems more likely than before, doesn't it?

You can't control her but you can control yourself. Make it very clear to her that she can do as she please but it doesn't mean you will abide by her decisions and actions. IOW- If she does it again you will divorce. I would also let her know you need the following to recover-

1) No contact (you state she sent a text to that effect -did you see it?) and if he contacts her then she must ignore it and tell you of it right away.

2) complete transparency- if you wish to see her phone you just ask and she hands it over with no guilt, all passwords and such are now known to you. She tells you of her whereabouts and such as well

3) she demonstrates true remorse through not only words but actions. She owns the affair 100%. She does what you need to regain trust and heal by doing the heavy lifting so to speak. That means no trickle truth, no gaslighting or blameshifting. 

4) You start spending more one on one time together to rebond- 10-15 hours a week

*
Does anyone out there know if I can ever fully trust her again?*

No, BUT if she does the above you can get a good chunk of it back. 

*
Finally, how long does it take to recover from this sort of affair??*


average time is 2-5 years if she does the above 

the worst of it is in that DDay to 6month time frame of course.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

random guy said:


> I guess what I'm wanting to know is if there could be a part of her that is still withholding truth from me... I just want to know. What bugs me is that she admitted she went to his home.


Yes. It's called trickle truth. Disloyal spouses will often only admit to exactly what the loyal spouse can prove. If, at a later date, the loyal spouse can prove something beyond what the disloyal spouse (DS) has admitted to, then the DS will admit only to the new information that has come out. It's pretty common.



random guy said:


> Does anyone else out here believe her that she didn't sleep with this man? Or do you think she did, but is unwilling to admit it for both reasons of shame and to protect our marriage??


A board full of betrayed spouses may be the wrong people to ask. But, your wife admits to driving 50 miles to meet him for lunch twice, then driving 100 miles twice more for lunch and to go to his house. I don't know many women who would drive 100 miles to simply kiss another men (in his house) for a few minutes.

Another poster on this board wrote something I like about trickle truth (TT). "If she says they talked about work, they talked about sex. If she says they went for coffee, they went on a date. If she says they kissed, she gave him a BJ. If she says they cuddled, they had sex." I would add to this, "If she says she sent him a picture in a bikini, she sent him a naked picture."



random guy said:


> Does anyone out there know why she may have done this?


Any number of reasons. She could be shopping around for an upgrade to you (exit affair). She may have just been bored. Athol Kay, at Married Man Sex Life says, "If you're boring, she's whoring."



random guy said:


> Does anyone out there think she may do this again?


Sure. You can't be with her 24 hours a day. She has free time to seek out affairs. She didn't go to jail, or even lose her husband, the last time she did it. She may try again and try to be more discrete about it. Or, she may have learned her lesson and never do it again.



random guy said:


> Does anyone out there know if I can ever fully trust her again?


Fully trust her, as in blindly trust her? Hell no. And frankly, you shouldn't have blindly trusted her in the first place. You shouldn't make that mistake again. Always check on her. Never let her put herself into a compromising situation again. If she likes to go on girls' night out with her girlfriends, where she gets drunk and shakes her ass in front of men looking for casual sex, then that should end. She can't handle it.



random guy said:


> Finally, how long does it take to recover from this sort of affair??


Most estimates on this board say two to five years.

Another thing to be watchful of, early in reconciliation, is that your emotions may likely go back and forth. You may be able to view the affair as a small thing one day, and be ready to divorce her the next. Just be ready for that. It's normal.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I'd never Believe she didn't sleep with him.

Her story is a complete lie.

She was infatuated with him for months, drive fifty miles for "just a kiss" AND THEN she says she isn't sexually attracted to him?

Does that even make an iota of sense?

She's lying about something.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

tacoma said:


> i'd never believe she didn't sleep with him.
> 
> Her story is a complete lie.
> 
> ...


i agree.


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## random guy (Feb 22, 2012)

Thanks! Sorry, I'm not good on the abbreviations, --there's just too many to keep track of..

I'm kind of affraid of the, "trickle truth" as it did take her a week to, "trickle" out more to the story. However, she has been so unmoving from her stance since then. She constantly says, "you have the whole story, the story will never change, I know everything, etc... It brings her to tears when I bring up the topic. --the other night I quite simply asked her again, "did you sleep with him?" She broke down, crying and was upset that I would never beleive her. She constantly tells me that I know everything...And no matter how many times I bring it up, the story will never change. She says she's scarred because she feels I'll never beleive her. She feels great sorrow in causing me this hurt. She's appologized over and over and over again. 

There's just something I just can't figure out... How could someone go so long with just an EA and not take it physical?? If she went to his home, how did she just kiss him, and then leave?? Who does that?? --But at the same time, I ask myself, why did she even admit that?? She didn't have to, she just did.

She has taken full responsibility, shown genuine remorse, ended contact with him, and has done a 180 in turns of turning her life around. she fully admits it was all her fault, and that she did me wrong. --We've been down this road alot!! I truly beleive she is sorry.

I have told her that if it happens again I will leave her, and she understands that. In fact the night she revealed more to the story I did tell her I was going to leave her, and she panicked... Her and I fought for 6 hours with her begging my forgiveness and telling me that I had the truth. While having makeup sex that night she was crying insisting during intercourse that no man has ever done this to her. No one. Only me. (yeah, it was a little weird) Again, she genuinly shows a great deal of remose, not guilt. 

I don't want to get into the lie-detector for financial reasons and I feel it lowers human dignity. I think the fact that she was so forward about taking one helps. It wasn't my idea to have her take one, she brought it up without hesitation, left a message on their machine in my pressence and sent them an email. 

her phone is an i-phone, but the bill is taken care of through her work. I'll never recover texts, which bothers me as I want to know the full story. -- Its easier to know the truth than to have suspicious that haunt you I feel....

I guess she has been pretty open about her phone now. She admits that the last year, she was petrified of leaving her phone around the house in fear of getting caught. -- She actually describes the last year of her life a "nightmare" and that she's so greatful it all ended. -- She emphatically states that she is happy it has ended. She knew what she was doing was wrong, but didn't know how to stop it...She said she never had any feelings for this man, just craved the attention. She said they would stop texting for several weeks, but then again it would just start up again...

The only text I ever saw was the last exchange between them as all others had been errased. Unfortuantely I was in such total shock, I cannot even remember what was said... I just immediately woke her and showed her the phone. I guess I did see a plain picture of herself she had taken and sent to him and a picture of him that he had sent to her, but nothing overally sexual in nature. What bothers me is that she was texting him in my pressence.

I get hung up on the fact she may have been sending him naked photos or "sexting" but she again swears up and down, saying she didn't and the worst pic she ever sent was a couple of her in her bikini -- which disgusts me. 

She is open with her phone now, and i do have all of her passwords, but at the same time, I don't want to live a life where I'm constantly checking phones, hacking into emails, etc...


What scares me about the photos was that in the beginning she started sending me racy photos of herself... I asked her if this had anything to do with her seeing him, and she just said, "I was trying to light our spark again" because she knew something was wrong between us...

Ugh... It just scares me to think I may be this way for a long while... I hate bringing it up with her because everytime I do, it seems to get worse and worse... she wishes we can just forget the past and move forward. She says it isn't fair to constantly throw this into her face when I know everything and that her story is never going to change...

thanks for replying... It just feels good to get this off my chest...


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

Get a polygraph


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

random guy said:


> her phone is an i-phone, but the bill is taken care of through her work. I'll never recover texts, which bothers me as I want to know the full story. -- Its easier to know the truth than to have suspicious that haunt you I feel....


but where does she sync her phone? (has the itunes program and gets updates, etc)

If it's on a computer you have access to, it may be possible to look at some of the texts even ones she deleted. If you're computer savvy I can walk you thru it.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

So you're not sure if she slept with the guy (it's possible). BTW I didn't drive the 40 miles each way to LA to talk and cuddle with the OW just to let you know. Then you have sex with her not knowing for sure if she slept with the guy or not.

STDs. I didn't use a condom with the OW, she was on the pill (put a bullet in my head already). But the only thing was I never slept once with my wife during this time and I got tested before I did sleep with the wife again.

She can swear all she wants, unless you have 100% proof that no sex happened, you probably should have kept the gun in the holster and get her tested 1st. BTW, you can transmit certain STDs through kissing also.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Sorry but her behavior is way over the line.

What if you would have done these things to her?

What if you would be sending pix to another woman and driving to her house and making out?!

Who cares if it was "nothing physical"?? (If you believe that)

If you did it --you would be cheating---she did it---so she's cheating!--would you leave if you found out they went "all the way"?---Is that the little piece of info that would end it?


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## random guy (Feb 22, 2012)

does her story have any more credibility that she came clean with additional details on her own (when pressed a little)? I did not have any proof of them actually visiting each other.

She also says there relationship morphed from flirtation to just friends when he realized he wasn't going to have sex with her... She says they just became "plutonic friends" after a while.

But it seems as if she was doing the pursuing of him after a while. The night I found her text message, she was the one who innitiated contact with him.

My last question would be how easy is it for her to lose her relationship with him? She says she hasn't thought about him at all. Not one bit. Only the times in which we bring it up... 

I just worry that she may still be thinking about him... But how do I know that??


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## random guy (Feb 22, 2012)

she syncs her phone to a macbook pro. -- I have no idea how to do that...


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## skip76 (Aug 30, 2011)

There's just something I just can't figure out... How could someone go so long with just an EA and not take it physical?? If she went to his home, how did she just kiss him, and then leave?? Who does that?? --But at the same time, I ask myself, why did she even admit that?? She didn't have to, she just did.


women think constantly, she rationalized the fact that you needed info so she came up with this excuse. the fact that she brought it up in my mind reeks of manipulation. she has no incentive to tell you the truth, youtold her you would leave so she is taking this to the grave. get creative and tell her the guy called back and confessed to his wife to reconcile with her or something. i phone backup files could also be found deleted or not. or say you did find them. you only have one chance at bluffing so make sure it will work. she will ask what you know and deny deny deny, prob get real angry right before she spills the beans so if she starts getting angry that is good, keep up the pressure and do not reveal anything or answer any questions.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

follow these direction on her macbook:

if you have a mac go here:

Macintosh HD/Users/[insert user name]/Library/Application Support/MobileSync. In there is a folder called Backup


then find the following files

Here are the files to look for on your WW's cpu:

1) These are all text messages synced to cpu (deleted or not): 3d0d7e5fb2ce288813306e4d4636395e047a3d28

2) These are all her contacts stored on phone: 31bb7ba8914766d4ba40d6dfb6113c8b614be442


then do this

Copy to your desktop. Download TextPad, install, and then open the backup files in TextPad. Hard to read, but keep scrolling and it's all there.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Maybe she didn't sleep with him but her failure to acknowledge it as an affair (at least an EMOTIONAL affair wher eshe was seneding pics and kissing him--which is sexual/romantic) is bunk.

Her calling it a "twisted friendship" just adds insult to injury.
Tell her to own it fully.

Did she cut contact off with him?

NINE MONTHS is a long time.


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## random guy (Feb 22, 2012)

--I don't think I would leave her if I knew. I just want peace of mind so I can move forward. Again, she says I know 100% of everything. Her story is never going to change. "I guess I don't want it to. I just wish someone would say, its okay man, she's telllng the truth!!"

Its just that little itch in the back of my head, that won't go away... Maybe I'm just into self-tourturing myself... I don't know??


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## random guy (Feb 22, 2012)

yes, as far as I know, she has cut off contact with him. hence, the new phone number.


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## random guy (Feb 22, 2012)

thanks for the computer advice...


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

As my WS's brother told me when I said she said all they did was kiss. He said, a kiss is code for we had sex. He was right. He then told me when she admitted to sex and told him they had sex the first time they met and after that they just sat and talked about how bad they felt, my brother in law said, she would be the first person in history to go backwards that she had sex with him everytime they met. He was correct.

My WS drove 20 miles and picked the OM up every time. They had sex everytime they met. I don't believe your wife would have gone to that effort for a kiss. Just me saying. Too much time and effort for a kiss.

I would tell her that she is the most noble person you have ever met for stopping short of having sex. Because in your opinion she would have been about the only person in history to have done so.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

RG,

There is always a chance that your wife got cold feet after the kiss and backed out. The fact of the matter is that she most likely pursued and she definitely put herself in that situation...

After 9 months it is hard to know only she does.

It is good she admitted it. But it could be trickle truth and she probably will die before she tells you anymore if there is more to tell. You cannot let the unknown kill you and hurt you. It is a decision you have to make so you can move on and work on your marriage.



Check the texts. It might help.

If you are going to stay and R you have to make it work for you. It takes 2 to R. But make it clear that R is a gift you are giving her. And it is on the table only once.

You can forgive, but never forget.

Good Luck and Keep Posting.

HM64


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

We all have our own boundaries and they should be respected. I do think taking an EA to a PA is huge step.

A PA is a deal breaker for me. That said, to me if my wife travelled to another mans home while I was on a trip to meet with him, that would be sufficient unfaithfulness even if they only played old Black Sabbath tunes. Her putting herself in that situation makes the appearance of a PA. Close enough for me.

But you are ot me. Cool. There is a very good chance this went physical on more than one occasion. Sex, drugs and rock and roll baby. Per Athol, a man is not going to invest nine months of his time with a woman without having sex. He is already getting a divorce for screwing around with a married woman.

Is there some small chance this did not go futher than she admits? You do the math.

Oh and .... BOUNDARIES.

Read His Needs Her Need together.

So you are already prepared to forgive her for things that you have yet to discover. You just want peace of mind. Sigh. You sound slike a very Nice Guy. But ask yourself why she got all excited about a guy who has proved he is not a nice guy. I am suggetsing you are so nice that you risk being replaced in a Darwinian way or manipulated into an open marriage.

See also : www.marriedmansexlife.com


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

random guy said:


> does her story have any more credibility that she came clean with additional details on her own (when pressed a little)? I did not have any proof of them actually visiting each other.


My wife admitted to sex with the OM while I didn't have any direct evidence. It helped to convince me she genuinely wanted to reconcile.

In reality she took it underground and continued to have sex with him. Just be careful, there are no sure ways to know.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

random guy said:


> I'm kind of affraid of the, "trickle truth" ...


And you will be for a long time. Given that she hid this from you for months, it is quite possible that she is hiding more. No matter what she admits to, there could be more. You just have to either make peace with that, eventually, or leave.



random guy said:


> There's just something I just can't figure out... How could someone go so long with just an EA and not take it physical?? If she went to his home, how did she just kiss him, and then leave?? Who does that?? --But at the same time, I ask myself, why did she even admit that?? She didn't have to, she just did.


People in affairs often behave illogically. They're literally high on drugs (dopamine). That's why they end up acting like love sick high schoolers who drive by the popular boy's house to see if he's home. It's crazy.



random guy said:


> She has taken full responsibility, shown genuine remorse, ended contact with him, and has done a 180 in turns of turning her life around. she fully admits it was all her fault, and that she did me wrong. --We've been down this road alot!! I truly beleive she is sorry.
> 
> I have told her that if it happens again I will leave her, and she understands that. In fact the night she revealed more to the story I did tell her I was going to leave her, and she panicked... Her and I fought for 6 hours with her begging my forgiveness and telling me that I had the truth. While having makeup sex that night she was crying insisting during intercourse that no man has ever done this to her. No one. Only me. (yeah, it was a little weird) Again, she genuinly shows a great deal of remose, not guilt.


Those are positive signs on her behalf. Some disloyal spouses have exit affairs and simply leave the relationship as soon as they're discovered. Or, they want to sweep everything under the rug and "move on" ala Clinton. Sadly, some of the spouses who appear contrite are simply going deeper underground with their affairs. The only way you can know which your wife is doing is to verify her actions by snooping on her.



random guy said:


> I don't want to get into the lie-detector for financial reasons and I feel it lowers human dignity.


That's a dangerous attitude. Your wife has proven to you that she can't be trusted. If you feel compelled to trust her, you're just giving her the opportunity to do this again. Remember, fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, ...



random guy said:


> She is open with her phone now, and i do have all of her passwords, but at the same time, I don't want to live a life where I'm constantly checking phones, hacking into emails, etc...


You have two choices. You can verify her actions by checking her phone and email. Or, you can live in a constant state of anxiety and have a minor panic attack every time her phone beeps. Given that she has proven that, if left open to the opportunity, she will betray you, why would you give her secrecy?



random guy said:


> What scares me about the photos was that in the beginning she started sending me racy photos of herself... I asked her if this had anything to do with her seeing him, and she just said, "I was trying to light our spark again" because she knew something was wrong between us...


That's a common theme in affairs. Often times, disloyal spouses will suddenly become very amorous. They're trying to keep the loyal spouse unaware. A happy spouse is an unsuspicious spouse.



random guy said:


> Ugh... It just scares me to think I may be this way for a long while... I hate bringing it up with her because everytime I do, it seems to get worse and worse... she wishes we can just forget the past and move forward. She says it isn't fair to constantly throw this into her face when I know everything and that her story is never going to change...


Tell her the easiest way to avoid this awkwardness is to hop in her time machine, go back 9 months, and tell this guy to buzz off. Seriously, actions have consequences. The consequence of betraying your husband is that he loses his faith in you. She can't be disloyal and then claim it's not fair that you're questioning her loyalty.

Tell her to buckle up, because it's going to be a long next few years for her. And get back into marriage counseling. Counseling is not a one and done thing. You need to talk this thing up one side and down the other before you'll be willing to consider putting it behind you.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

RG,

I am afraid that you are afraid of losing her. I have been there. Should it not be the reverse situation? What if she knew that you will be ready to forgive her and was that the reason why she fessed up? 

Women shed gallons of tears... esp after being caught wrong footed. As someone earlier, what she did is an affair, regardless of what she may term it as "twisted friendship" or something. Then, by the same analogy, what will she say about going to OM's place and kiss? Hold yourself. Dont readily trust. 

While she shows that she feels sorry for what she has done, I still don't buy that she went to OM's place and there was only kiss. You will have no evidence of what went on and all you have is only a trickle truth. Hard to move from there.

Trust gone is gone. I will not be surprised if your mind soon starts making movies of what they did. 

Have a lot of conversation in and around the subject, and verify them with the computer back up.

She will get a bit aggressive saying you dont trust her, and she cant do more than what she fessed up.

Have patience. First heal yourself. Dont let her know that.

Take care.


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## gonefishin (Oct 7, 2011)

I think your wife was star struck and made a stupid mistake. I also think she did all the right things by telling you and changing all her phone numbers.

This does not take away all the hurt you must feel. It will take some time buy I think in this case you should write it off as immaturity and stupidity.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

> What scares me about the photos was that in the beginning she started sending me racy photos of herself... I asked her if this had anything to do with her seeing him, and she just said, "I was trying to light our spark again" because she knew something was wrong between us...


My guess is she was sending him the same pics. If not, at least the fact she was sending him pics of her in a bikini tells me she was letting him get a look at the goods before buying. Did she ever show you those bikini shots?

I'm with everyone else on this: she had sex with him that's for sure, probably each time she drove 40 miles to see him. Thats alot of windshield time just for a kiss. 

But again, you have no proof of anything, so all you can do is see if you can catch her in another lie. She is a very good liar. Don't know if I could stay married to someone who lies like that.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

This is a classic example of a wife in damage control. You know she is lying. The story simply does not make sense. Your wife trickle-truthed you so you should give no credibility to her story. The polygraph will cost you about $400. My guess is that if you tell your wife that you are scheduling a polygraph she will break down and tell you the truth right before she is ready to take it. You know there is more to the story. The fact that she is still lying to you means she is still disrespecting you and your marriage. Good luck.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

random guy said:


> Its just that little itch in the back of my head, that won't go away... Maybe I'm just into self-tourturing myself.


 Yes you are torturing yourself. She agreed to take a polygraph test yet you never followed through. Schedule the test right now. Tell he that you need peace of mind. No matter if she admits more or not, follow through with the test. The peace of mind that you will get is not just good for you. It is good for the marraige.

BTW, the fact that she brought her mother to secretly have lunch with the OM is alarming on many fronts. It shows that both you wife and her mother have very little respect for both you and your marraige. Once she has taken the polygraph test, you need to expose both your wife and the mother to the rest of the family.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

:iagree:

I was thinking the same thing. The level of disrespect from both of them amazes me. I think that is just as bad as the cheating.

I would do the polygraph. You would be amazed what a cheater will admit to in the parking lot before the test. Take a var to get it all. If she turns out to be innocent of having sex with him. Good for you!


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

If this man is "fairly famous" he is not going to invest 9 months in an affair without getting some sex. The fact that your wife pursued him would mean to me that they had sex and she wanted more of a relationship and to him she was just a booty call. Just my opinion.

I would most definitely tell her that in order to stay with her and begin to rebuild trust you absolutely need her to take a polygraph test. But do not tell her when the test is. If she agrees to it then keep the date a secret and just drive her there. If she is unprepared for the test she will most likely confess all on the building's steps. BTW, there are websites that tell how to beat a polygraph. After you tell her you need her to take one, check her computer to see if she has been researching this.

If she will not agree to a polygraph test you have your answer as to whether she has told you the entire truth. What you do after that is your decision but I wouldn't stay with someone I couldn't trust.


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