# Sex doesn't have the same hold?



## Scannerguard

(It's always about sex with me, ain't it?  )

Serious topic though. . .I have found my bachelor friend (who had a couple of serious relationships, but not marriage) experiencing the same thing.

When I was young and in love and hormonal and not middle-aged like I am now. . .it was like the sex helped you fall in love and bond with the woman you did it with. I can remember seeking out the sex (because I was eternally horny) and then feeling all in love.

Now. . . I seek out the sex (only 2 women since divorce) and it's like "Okay, that was fun. It felt good. Yeah, it was even GREAT sex." but bam. . .no "ga-ga" feeling.

Is loving and marrying someone more a conscious decision after age 40? Should I just keep having sex with different women until that ga-ga feeling (infatuation I think is the technical term) sets in?

I sometimes joke I should go find a young hottie to do it with and act like a middle-aged fool, get dumped, to just *know* I could feel that way again.

This is why, in the other thread, I state I am content to be alone. . .if I am not going to go through infatuation (at least for 6 months, if not eternally). . .well. . .what's the use? Really? Isn't "infatuation" the best part of a relationship?

Isn't it better to just be alone then?

Deep thoughts with Scannerguard. . .


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## that_girl

Why not try getting that ga-ga feeling by getting to know someone first before hopping into bed?


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## Scannerguard

Will that work?


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## golfergirl

Scannerguard said:


> Will that work?


Not only does it work but then the Ga Ga feelings are based on personality triats instead of skills in bed 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nice777guy

Scannerguard said:


> Isn't "infatuation" the best part of a relationship?


From what I remember, infatuation feels pretty darned good. Maybe even lingers longer than a good lay...

Keep looking - have some fun - don't take it too seriously.

Doesn't "it" always seem to happen when you aren't really looking so hard?

Good luck.


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## Scannerguard

The Quest for the Ga-Ga Feeling. . .ah yes. . .I'll report in from time to time.

I was tongue-in-cheek to my reply because I thought the suggestion was kind of loaded, like I was just jumping in bed with the first woman I saw at a bar who tied a few on, lol.

Of course I have gotten to know these women (all 2 of them, lol). But honestly. . .has that made a difference? (so maybe my reply isn't so tongue-in-cheek)

They both were/are sweet, wonderful, beautiful, kind women and any man would be lucky to have them. THAT is not a line. I am genuine when I say that.

But no ga-ga feeling. No infatuation. I don't sit there at work thinking of them with little hearts coming out of me like Sally had for Linus. I light up when I see/saw them. . .but. . .I am mostly distracted by life. . .kids, work, money, etc. . .

Add another complication. . .I worry about all of the women I have been with. . .I want to see them all settled and taken care of. . .even my ex-wife. . .so I sit there with the one I am with, worried about the other one(s). I even posted something to this awhile back. . .a hurricane came through town and I was worried about my ex-wife being all alone (and this other woman). The woman I was with wasn't none too happy.

Someone close to me said I could use therapy and should talk to someone about that.

I told them they were crazy. It's not like I am talking in "Word Salad" or something peanut butter the bread daily our town. . .


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## that_girl

Nope. The ga-ga feelings for me, as usually instant. And not with everyone. In my life, it's happened maybe 4 times when I just had to be with someone...not sexually...just be near them. Then i get to know the guy a bit and then the sex.


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## PBear

Hmmm... My GF and I are both mid-40's. We started off with a purely sexual relationship, but within a month the feelings started, and I'd pretty much have to fess up to the ga-ga feelings. I can't spend too much time with her, doesn't matter what we're doing, and she's the last person I talk to every night and the first person I think of every morning.

Part of it could definitely be the whole "rebound" relationship, as I started seeing her very shortly after separating physically from my wife. Part of it is likely the whole honeymoon phase, but we've been seeing each other for over 9 months now.

Anyway, not sure if this helps. But for myself at least, the ga-ga feelings can still hit hard at 40+. To be honest, I can't recall ever feeling this way about my STBXW., even at the start of our relationship way back when. It was more just "comfortable", and I mistook that for love. I always scoffed at the whole "movie love" thing. But now, I'm getting a much clearer idea of what they meant.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sparkles422

Had it with my ex and I was 46 and he was 57. Had it huge! We connected intellectually and then physically and that feeling lasted about 4 yrs.

Not looking for anything right now, except myself again. Sounds hokey.

Have fun.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

After 12 years of marriage, I still have that "ga ga" feeling for my hubby. My husband calls is lust, I call it love.

My husband has pretty much the same feelings as I do, he shows it and showers me with affection. The sex is better then ever and much more frequent. Life is good.

He's my second husband BTW. I wasn't going to remarry after my divorce. I guess I changed my mind. I couldn't be any happier. Who knows, maybe you will find the spark as I did with my current husband.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Scannerguard

Well, it could just be that I don't want another person "needing" me, you know? That is why I am concluding that I'd like to be alone.

My kids constantly need me, my ex-wife needs me for this or that, my patietns need me at both my places of employment, my employer needs me, my employees need me, my parents, I have been lucky on so far, but they are getting older. . .get the picture?

I just don't relish the idea of another person depending on me, because I don't think they can.

I guess this topic is drifting back to "not interested in a relationship" but uhhhggg. . .the thought of a serious girlfriend or a wife. . .it's just too overwhelming. 

I wonder someday when I am in an old folk's home how not being needed will feel. . .maybe everybody assumes it will be sad, but maybe not. . .maybe I'll just sit there and cheat at poker with the other old coots. . .


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## Jellybeans

that_girl said:


> Nope. The ga-ga feelings for me, as usually instant. And not with everyone. In my life, it's happened maybe 4 times when I just had to be with someone...not sexually...just be near them. Then i get to know the guy a bit and then the sex.


Me, too.


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## Jellybeans

Scanner--of COURSE "sex doesn't have the same hold." 

You are nowhere NEAR wanting a relationship. I've of the mind good sex is even MORE awesome when you find someone to be ga-ga for. You are not anywhere near that. TIME TIME TIME like someone said.

Take it easy. And if you're going to have NSA sex--use protection. And explain to the ladies you are NOT into a relationship.


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore

I think after you’ve survived your divorce, have children and other responsibilities the “ga-ga” feeling is more grounded in terms of reality. The brain kicks in and functions before letting your heart leap. When we were younger and had fewer responsibilities, it was ok to leap first and get all “ga-ga stupid” for another person.


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## Scannerguard

Oh I want a relationship, if I can have the ga-ga feeling (let's call it infatuation - I feel childish calling it that but it kind of sticks I guess).

I just don't want all the responsibilties of a relationship, lol.

Seriously. . .I am not sure it's going to happen. . .I mean if sex doesnt' lead to ga-ga. . .well then everything isn't right.

I mean, I can remember wanting to just lay in bed for hours wanting to smell my mate, just feeling blissful. . .it's never going to be like that again. . .so why bother?

I can't handle this. . .I was supposed to have sex and feel ga-ga.

It didn't work.

My world is topsy-turvy, lol.

It's like turning on Monday Night Football and Madden isn't on. . .sure, I'll watch it if the Eagles are on. . .and they have a winning record, but now there's Thursday Night football and Sunday Night.

It's not the same. . .the rest of you are crazy. . .and I'm normal. . .lol.


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## Scannerguard

Also. . .i wanted to say. . .i don't think she is desperate at all. . .I think she senses we DO click in a lot of ways and is trying to salvage something good.

I confess I don't know why I am so ambivalent. . .she is great to be around. She helped me with x-mas toys this weekend. We had fun.

I don't know Charlie Brown. I just don't know. . .


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## Freak On a Leash

I know I couldn't sleep with someone I don't have feelings for. I've always been like that. I had a one night fling once in college and it was awful. I was on the rebound. Bad choice. 

So if I was ever in a position to be dating then undoubtedly I'd be disappointing to a lot of men who just want to hop in bed after those first few dates. It's not the way I roll. 

That said, I still get pretty horny at times. I mean, there is something PHYSICAL there as well as emotional. Fortunately there are many "options" of taking care of that which don't include sleeping around.


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## Shooboomafoo

Freak, its nice to hear someone exhibit a more reserved attitude towards sleeping around. The ONS weekend warriors attitude makes me feel like I am shopping for groceries in a dumpster. Everythings already been sampled, used and abused.. Like a used car with dings and stains on the seat.
Then the thought process.. Gee, was I as good as the guy last week who was in there? or,, yesterday?? Ewww...
I just dont want someone like that. I want exclusivity I guess?


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## Lon

Shooboomafoo said:


> Freak, its nice to hear someone exhibit a more reserved attitude towards sleeping around. The ONS weekend warriors attitude makes me feel like I am shopping for groceries in a dumpster. Everythings already been sampled, used and abused.. Like a used car with dings and stains on the seat.
> Then the thought process.. Gee, was I as good as the guy last week who was in there? or,, yesterday?? Ewww...
> I just dont want someone like that. I want exclusivity I guess?


I'm not looking for promiscuous sex, but I accept people for who they are, not whom they've been with. As to the used car analogy, sometimes a ding or a stain means you can get a fantastic deal on a real gem, in fact that is what I love about shopping for used cars the most, I almost prefer to get a used car over a new one because their is the story and mystery behind it that just makes it way more interesting. And of course, if it smells funny I will always pass it up.


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## raising5boyz

Omg...you two with the car analogy....funny stuff! lol

I am definitly one that associates sex with love. Doesn't work any other way for me. It certainly seems to be the minority of people who feel that way these days. Too many people want to jump right into bed.

Tha dating game now days is not any fun for me....for that reason! And what happened to being friends first before becoming bf/gf? Ugh....I just don't get it. 

Here is a thought.....Does sex not have the same hold because you are having it casually? I mean imo you shouldn't have the sex until AFTER you have the 'ga ga' feelings for someone....and even then you should wait. 

Perhaps you just haven't given yourself enough time? Or maybe you just haven't found the right woman to give you those feelings?


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## Scannerguard

No, it doesn't work that way.

You have sex (after getting to know the person of course) and then you can feel ga-ga.

Well, at least it *used *to work that way. . .I am not sure it works in reverse. . .maybe.

I mean, how much time do you need? We seperated May 2009 and had not been intimate for years before that.

I don't have any regrets about what I have done.

You guys who are waiting around for Mr. and Mrs. Right. . .you are going to be out of practice with sex, no? It's not like riding a bike, you know. . .it's more like driving a stick shift. 

You don't want to change gears without engaging the clutch at it's friction point


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## Scannerguard

Loving is a "verb", as well as an adjective or a descriptor. So, I figure I'd try to do, to experience, vs. wait around for God to bequeath upon me the feeling.

I guess I am trying to be more activist about it and "get out there" whereas a lot of participants here seem very passivist about love and sex. At least I was activist. . .now. . .I may be content to be alone.

I do have feelings for her, BTW. 

I am just not sure it's "ga-ga."


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## Scannerguard

BTW. . .it's a topic I hope we all re-visit from time to time:

Sex Post-Divorce

I imagine this hasn't been researched too much - tracking males and females post-divorce to see how their sex lives evolved (or devolved).

It would be interesting to hear if their sex life improved or deteriorated (anonymously) post-divorce.

It's a parallel topic.


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## PBear

I think I've had about 5 to 7 years of "married sex" in the last 6 months, and it's been wild monkey sex rather than vanilla pudding sex. Definitely an upgrade!

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Freak On a Leash

raising5boyz said:


> Omg...you two with the car analogy....funny stuff! lol
> 
> I am definitly one that associates sex with love. Doesn't work any other way for me. It certainly seems to be the minority of people who feel that way these days. Too many people want to jump right into bed.
> 
> Tha dating game now days is not any fun for me....for that reason! And what happened to being friends first before becoming bf/gf? Ugh....I just don't get it.


:iagree:

Back to the car analogy: I like to buy a car brand new and take car of it, maintain it, detail it, personalize it and make it "mine". It's reflection of me and my personality. And I tend to keep cars for years. They become a part of me. A bit of my heart and soul is invested in that car. 

I guess I look at relationships the same way.


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## that_girl

PBear said:


> I think I've had about 5 to 7 years of "married sex" in the last 6 months, and it's been wild monkey sex rather than vanilla pudding sex. Definitely an upgrade!
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That was just the dynamic you had with your wife...

In my marriage, it's wild monkey sex


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## Lon

Freak On a Leash said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Back to the car analogy: I like to buy a car brand new and take car of it, maintain it, detail it, personalize it and make it "mine". It's reflection of me and my personality. And I tend to keep cars for years. They become a part of me. A bit of my heart and soul is invested in that car.
> 
> I guess I look at relationships the same way.


you only date virgins?


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## Jellybeans

Scannerguard said:


> It would be interesting to hear if their sex life improved or deteriorated (anonymously) post-divorce.
> 
> It's a parallel topic.


Well in my case, my sex life has deteriorated since I am no longer having sex. LOL.


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## Runs like Dog

People don't come with CARFAX, which is tragic because I'd really like to know how it was driven and banged around before, whether it's been on fire, had a transmission swapped out, stolen, used in the commission of a crime. Is that sun damage or were you doing meth off the armrest? Back in the old country - it's not clearly against the law to kill someone who steals your car. But I'd still like to know how many times 'it' was busted into and driven around by crackheads.


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## PBear

that_girl said:


> That was just the dynamic you had with your wife...
> 
> In my marriage, it's wild monkey sex


Oh, definitely! It was never wild monkey sex with the STBX, even before we got married. I just didn't know what my options were. . My STBX was my first.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans

PBear said:


> Oh, definitely! It was never wild monkey sex with the STBX, even before we got married.


That's sad.


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## PBear

At the time, I didn't know any better, so I was just happy with vanilla once a week. When it dwindled down to vanilla once a month, that's when I figured enough was enough. But my GF and I both feel like we're back on the sexual karmic bus, making up for lost time. . So its all good!

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Deejo

I like these 'post-divorce' discussions.

Feel like my issues are compounded. I have sexual function issues. But ... these have not prevented me from having sex post divorce.

I'm a realist. There are simple truths about the conduct of one's life, post-40. If I met a woman that wanted to conduct the arc of our relationship like 'courting', as if she is some valued prize to be won if only I should say and do the right things ... I ain't interested. Go pound sand.

Conversely, that does not mean that I would categorize myself as promiscuous, or a callous bed-hopper.

I just don't buy the car analogy. There is no such thing as a new car with 40K miles on it. 

I have been in a few sexual relationships over the past 3 years. All of them, from my perspective, very positive. I can't have sex with someone I don't care about either ...

I have definitely felt 'ga' but no 'ga-ga', not yet. I expect 'ga-ga' to precede sex, to be honest. But I'm not waiting for love, if there is attraction and connection. And I distinctly do not count attraction, and connection, as love.

I'm not kidding myself. We don't fall in love with everyone we meet ... or whom we sleep with.

I think lots of people coming out of bad marriages are looking forward to something positive, healthy, and that feels 'right'. But I don't think 'right' has to be love ... or permanent. It just needs to be healthy and honest. Looking for love immediately post-divorce is a train wreck waiting to happen.

There just seem to be so many more factors to loving someone conducting life as an adult, then there did as a young adult.

But in short ... I agree with you SG. Sex does not have the same hold over me as it once did. Not even close.

I know whether a relationship holds intimacy potential by the second date. And once I know that, quite frankly, I don't care when we have it. We'll have it when it's time. Building up the sexual tension has at times been better than the sex itself.


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