# Is it really me?



## thebigheart16 (Apr 22, 2015)

My husband and I have know each other for a little over 20 years. We were each others first kiss and first boyfriend/girlfriend when we were 12. Everyone gets gooey over our story. We met back up 10 years later and were inseparable. We dated for two years and got married on 12/12/12. its been a rocky road for us. I'm very sensitive and big hearted and he is loving and big hearted but, hes also an alcoholic, has been for 14 years. We recently moved to eastern Texas for more opportunities and to start a family. Things fell through as soon as we got here. Our house got soldfrom underneath us and his hiring manager got fired. So we have no house and he has no career. We have been forced to stay with his mother and her boyfriend...AWKWARD! I got a job at a home decor place and he got a serving job. It has been so stressful being here and I'm trying so hard to stay happy. I moved from every one and everything I've ever known to help us be stronger because he said it would help. His drinking has slowed but hes been so irritable with me and very distant. I found out I have cervical cancer in January and that has been hard on us in the adult time aspect as well. I feel so alone here and so depressed. I want my friends and my mom badly but I can't go home and don't want to leave him. but he's making me feel like I'm nothing to him. Whenever I point it out he sighs and rolls his eyes and says "okay what do you want to talk about?" All I want to do is be near him, talk to him, have him be there with me and not on his phone. He says we weren't in the honeymoon phase that's gone. It's just real life now. Am I doing something wrong? Am I too clingy? I only want the best for our future family.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I don't think that it sounds like you are clingy or doing anything wrong.

Your husband sounds like he is not happy with the way things have turned out with his job and the relocation. Is he making a lot less than he would have if he'd gotten the job he moved for?

Living with an alcoholic is very hard. To be honest I'm not sure why you would want to. Have you considered joining Al-Anon? It might help you.

There are some books that I think might help you.

"His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters"

My suggestion is that you read the books. They will give you a good idea of how to identify and talk about your needs.

Then you will have to have a talk with him, either he join you in fixing your marriage or you are leaving because you cannot live in a situation in which all joy is sucked right out of you.

Basically it's an ultimatum.. either he reads the books with you and works through them, sees a marriage counselor with you... and you both change to meet each others needs or the marriage is over.

Seriously, do not spend your life in this kind of marriage.


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## Chas (Apr 2, 2015)

I'm so sorry your living with an alcoholic. There are long term effects from being an alcoholic and one of them is becoming very self-centered. After 14 years he most likely no longer feels like himself unless he's drinking. That's why you're no longer in the honeymoon phase.

The only way for the two of you to solve your problem is for him to quit drinking. Talk to his family about staging an intervention and getting him into treatment. Most states have some kind of program that costs little or nothing.

If he doesn't quit and you don't leave him, you're in for a long miserable existence. He will tell you he'll cut back on his drinking and give you hope but it most likely wont last. Alcoholism is much like infidelity with respect to the lying, deception and inability to commit.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Please do not have kids with him..

Don't do ANYTHING with him until you know he is sober for AT LEAST a couple of years.. 

I get your age thing, since your in your early 30s and such and interested in having kids.. But I AM TELLING YOU... DO NOT DO IT WITH THIS MAN.. At least not now.. 

I get the whole childhood sweetheart stuff, but its all bullsh!t.. 

There are MANY men in this world that can make you happy and you can fall in love with for many OTHER reasons..

Having a big heart doesn't mean sh!t, if you're a drunken tool all day..

My middle brother was an alcoholic and eventually died from related issues to alcoholism.. But before died he dragged everyone down with him one way or another.. Mind you I love/loved him to pieces, but he caused me a lot of issues as well. 

I sadly tell you seeing the direction he was going that this was better for him.. He was just getting worse as the years went by and he wasn't drunk every day or every other day.. But he was bad..


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

thebigheart16 said:


> My husband and I have know each other for a little over 20 years. We were each others first kiss and first boyfriend/girlfriend when we were 12. Everyone gets gooey over our story. We met back up 10 years later and were inseparable. We dated for two years and got married on 12/12/12. its been a rocky road for us. I'm very sensitive and big hearted and he is loving and big hearted but, hes also an alcoholic, has been for 14 years. We recently moved to eastern Texas for more opportunities and to start a family. Things fell through as soon as we got here. Our house got soldfrom underneath us and his hiring manager got fired. So we have no house and he has no career. We have been forced to stay with his mother and her boyfriend...AWKWARD! I got a job at a home decor place and he got a serving job. It has been so stressful being here and I'm trying so hard to stay happy. I moved from every one and everything I've ever known to help us be stronger because he said it would help. His drinking has slowed but hes been so irritable with me and very distant. I found out I have cervical cancer in January and that has been hard on us in the adult time aspect as well. I feel so alone here and so depressed. I want my friends and my mom badly but I can't go home and don't want to leave him. but he's making me feel like I'm nothing to him. Whenever I point it out he sighs and rolls his eyes and says "okay what do you want to talk about?" All I want to do is be near him, talk to him, have him be there with me and not on his phone. He says we weren't in the honeymoon phase that's gone. It's just real life now. Am I doing something wrong? Am I too clingy? I only want the best for our future family.



I agree with Hardtohandle, do not marry him. Alcoholism is a progressive disease, it does not get better, just lulls you into a false sense of security. Things have not worked out as planned so he is possibly feeling down but this could precipitate finding solace in alcohol. Just go your thing but consider whether you want to go down an uncertain road, you are still young. I stayed with my alcoholic and am regretting it to be honest.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

thebigheart16 said:


> I moved from every one and everything I've ever known to help us be stronger because he said it would help.
> 
> I feel so alone here and so depressed. I want my friends and my mom badly *but I can't go home* and don't want to leave him.


Yes, you can go home. And you should. You're going to need a lot of support to get through cervical cancer treatment and recovery (have you already started treatment?)

Stress is one of the biggest factors in disease progression. By him continuing to drink and you feeling like he is not supportive at all, you are under tremendous stress whether you realize it or not.

Go home to your mom. Put all the marriage cr*p aside while you focus on healing. You can figure out whether or not you even want to be married to this man later, after you're health crisis is over. My guess is, time apart will help you see that you really don't need this alcoholic/downer in your life.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I'm a recovering alkie and I can tell you the best thing to do is reach out to an AlAnon group in your area. Start going to meetings. The people there can be a huge support system for you. You will be taught coping techniques and it will give you a safe place to vent your frustrations and concerns about your husbands drinking. The worst thing you can do is try to tackle your these issues alone.


Best of all it is free. And sometimes they bring donuts.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

I wanted to add the current GF I am with had to claim bankruptcy because her soon to be Ex husband ended up in the hospital due to alcohol poisoning and almost died.. 

Basically current bills plus hospital bills became overwhelming.. 

This wasn't the first time he *"Fell off the Wagon"* as well.

The more I think about this, I wish you had a friend or family member that could just forcibly drag you the fvck out of there and away from him and just keep you locked in a room until you got over him. 

Hearing how you think and the silliness you believe in, I just see this is gonna get really bad for you if you don't run away.. You will think you can fix him. That love will fix this.. You guys were meant to be.. That you will help him out through this and fix it all for the both of you.. ETC,ETC,ETC... 

I'm not jaded.. Its just a sad reality how this stuff goes.. Trust me I seen life through rose colored glasses as well. 

If you really want to fix this, then you need to walk away from him and he needs to show you that he can fix himself and not be a wh0re to a bottle of booze..


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

I don't mean to be insensitive to your plight but wouldn't it be better if you ask the moderators to move your thread over to the "Relationships and Addiction" forum considering that alcoholism and not infidelity is the issue you are facing?


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## tonygunner007 (Apr 24, 2015)

You can also read "men are from mars, women are from venus". a very powerful book that helps you deal with communication problems in relationships.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

A friend of mine goes to Al-Anon due to her husband's drinking. She says that it is very helpful.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

thebigheart16 said:


> My husband and I have know each other for a little over 20 years. We were each others first kiss and first boyfriend/girlfriend when we were 12. Everyone gets gooey over our story. We met back up 10 years later and were inseparable. We dated for two years and got married on 12/12/12. its been a rocky road for us. I'm very sensitive and big hearted and he is loving and big hearted but, hes also an alcoholic, has been for 14 years. We recently moved to eastern Texas for more opportunities and to start a family. Things fell through as soon as we got here. Our house got soldfrom underneath us and his hiring manager got fired. So we have no house and he has no career. We have been forced to stay with his mother and her boyfriend...AWKWARD! I got a job at a home decor place and he got a serving job. It has been so stressful being here and I'm trying so hard to stay happy. I moved from every one and everything I've ever known to help us be stronger because he said it would help. His drinking has slowed but hes been so irritable with me and very distant. I found out I have cervical cancer in January and that has been hard on us in the adult time aspect as well. I feel so alone here and so depressed. I want my friends and my mom badly but I can't go home and don't want to leave him. but he's making me feel like I'm nothing to him. Whenever I point it out he sighs and rolls his eyes and says "okay what do you want to talk about?" All I want to do is be near him, talk to him, have him be there with me and not on his phone. He says we weren't in the honeymoon phase that's gone. It's just real life now. Am I doing something wrong? Am I too clingy? I only want the best for our future family.


-See after yourself with the cervical cancer. 
-go to your mom and friends that care for you
-living with a alcoholic is not living
-you are not clingy. You are a human being
-find someone who cares for you

I often find it if does not start out great it does not improve.


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