# How do you deal with the memories?



## southbound

I'm sure at some point a person "gets over" a divorce just like anything else, but isn't there a certain weirdness that will always exist. I lived 18 years, which is the majority of my adult life, thinking I knew my wife, thinking she was the greatest thing in the world, and being happy, now, those 18 years just seem like a lie. that happiness has been replaced with other emotions. We had kids, built a house, went through heartbreak, times of joy, etc, etc, now it's gone and seems like a lie. I'm wondering if the passage of time will make it seem even more weird. She made an imprint on my life that just can't be flushed down the toilet. I have an Uncle in his 60s who is in poor health and not always mentally to himself. He is on his second marriage and often calls his current wife by his first wife's name when he is not to himself. That relashionship just can't be erased. This has just blown my mind. Anyone have any thoughts to share about how it feels with you after time has passed?


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## Marigold

Can relate to everything you are saying....almost half my whole life spent with this man, now he has left.....wondering who I am without him....I have been with my H since 17 years old so no real experience of relationships other than him, also I am very aware that who I am today has been shaped by our relationship...

I will still be me, even without him...I can't erase that....I am going to try and keep the positive bits that are part of me and be proud of those bits at least, I am going to try to accept that he will always be a part of who I grew up to be, but I hope and pray in the future that the memories won't hurt anymore....


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## TGolbus

Get the book - forgive for good. It will help with the process of not letting the past injuries hurt your present. Forgiveness isn't about your wife, it isn't about forgetting, and it isn't about letting them "get away with it." It is about you being able to move on.

I buy this book by the case and hand it out. It was one of the most important and impactful books of my life.


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## Shelly29

I too have been trying not to think about the memories we have made together.... trips taken, events gone too, life experiences together.... I don't know if its too soon or fresh to keep thinking in my mind about him possibly finding someone else so soon... In my eyes I was the one for him and he wwas the one for me... It was me in his arms, me he snuggled up to...me he said he loved and kissed every day. My heart aches knowing it is not me anymore and one day it will be replaced by another woman.... its a hard pill to swallow.


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## Scannerguard

I must admit I struggle with this a lot too.

A divorce is such an unnatural conclusion to a marriage. You thought this was the person where you would die or they would die and that would be the conclusion.

The advice I got in a book was to "thank" your spouse mentally and emotionally for enrichening your life, because it was advised that it is rare that a relationship doesn't enrich you in some way, somehow, no matter how bad the relationship was.

Then you can start to think of the marriage as a "transient" relationship vs. the "lifelong" relationship we are all conditioned to think of it as.


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## Scannerguard

Another thing a wise friend suggested to me. . .in America, we often are a "death-denying" society and we have all experienced a horrible death of soemthing that was important to us - our marriages.

He said that studies have proven that the Mexicans have a healthier way of dealing with death in their celebration of the Mexican Day of the Dead. Apparently, and I am not well read on Mexican culture, once/year they all celebrate teh lives of ones that have departed them and actually have a party.

He said once/year I should light a candle and write a letter to my ex-wife (whether you send it, it is debatable) and relish in the memories you had and celebrate them. Perhaps write a letter about a nice time, or a funny incident.

The idea thought is to really, REALLY celebrate it, not make it a Self-Pity Day. Those memories are a GOOD thing, not meant to torture you.

In a way, it really is like a death. . .(it is). . .at the end, you remember all the sickness of the marriage like sometimes you remember the sickness of a relative, the way they lingered and were mean to you and caused you so many problems. Gradually, the human psyche replaces those bad memories with the good memories, the times your mother or uncle did funny things and enriched your life.


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## Honolulu

I find that it helps me to remember that my soon-to-be ex is not the same person I married anymore. The person I love is gone and this new version of him is not who I want or need.

We have kids and alternate weeks so there's constant communication. I admit it's hard and sometimes I find myself longing to touch him or joke back but I have to maintain an emotional and sexual distance to survive.

After 18 yrs with him (more than half of my life) I do find it difficult to talk about anything without bringing him up. Luckily my friends and family understand and help me cope. As I start rebuilding my life, I'll have new memories that don't include him, so I'm hoping it will get easier.


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## mariem1967

In my opinion it's normal to remember your past. In your case those 18 years can't be just erased from your memory. Accept it as past and live for today and tomorrow. That's what i am trying to do. That's life. Today everythings fine, tomorrow it disapears.


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## southbound

Do you guys think it easier to start new routines or keep the same ones? A lot of things my wife and i did together are things I enjoyed doing regardless, like going to concerts at specific theaters. Should i continue that or will it just ignite painful memories? What about simple things? Should I change grocery stores, or go to the same one we always went to? What has worked for you?


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## KRinOnt

southbound said:


> Do you guys think it easier to start new routines or keep the same ones? A lot of things my wife and i did together are things I enjoyed doing regardless, like going to concerts at specific theaters. Should i continue that or will it just ignite painful memories? What about simple things? Should I change grocery stores, or go to the same one we always went to? What has worked for you?


I can't say what has worked for me yet as this is as new to me as it is to you. That said. I intend to stay the course. As you stated, you did the things you did because you liked them. Why change that? That is who you are. 
I spent 21 of my 50 years with my wife. This is bitter I know, but I hope she can swallow having spent 21 of 43 with me. Most of our best memories surround our children wom I get to look at every day. She doesn't . Sucks to be her.


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## mariem1967

Hm i used to go to the same shops or grocery store after divorce. I also do the same things i ised to with my ex. I mean you have to try it. If it will make you sad going to the same grocery store you can change it. I didn't think about my ex when doing the things we used to do together.


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## amanda1959

The way I look at it is the memories are memories of the past...they will always be events of the past and usually happy moments you spent together. They are not the reason you decided to divorce. Present circumstances or negative events that have accumulated have made you divorce. In other words that was then this is now. What youhad then you don't have now. You will experience new things from now on. Daily...we will all continue to collect new memories in the present moment after all that is what life is...the present


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## amanda1959

currently I am enjoying my cat snuggled in my computer chair with me...it's all about the present...remain there and when a memory pops up in your head recognize it as an event of the past and just acknowledge it as a memory and not the present moment.


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## southbound

Thanks for all the comments. There was some really good advice given. I understand that the past is the past and I have to move on, but if we had stayed together and grown old together, it would have all seemed like one big, beautiful package when we were old. Now it's as though I have to flush part of my life down the toilet, a part that i thought would be forever. It's tough.


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