# He says he doesn't love me after 30 years..



## cristyhope71 (Jan 1, 2022)

So we've been together for 30 years ,then out of the blue he tells me I haven't given him enough affection over the last 12 years and now he has no love left for me .
We are still living together, sleeping in the same bed and doing everything else we would normally do expect for any physical contact , not even a cuddle .
I'm so confused and don't really know what's going on . Maybe a midlife crisis?
I made the mistake of going from 0 to 100 with affection and now he's says it's too much as he's not use it !


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

did you withhold affection from him for many years? look into yourself and be honest with yourself.
now this however may not be all on you. he has responsibilities too. if he was unhappy, he shouldn't have let it get this far.

there is also the possibility he is fixated on someone else. often, we slide into a very complacent marriage and don't do the work to keep it strong.
it's human nature. when this happens, we just kind of go along thinking things are ok, but they're not. and then one or the other gets some attention 
from another and reaches out for affection.

tell us more about the relationship while things were seemingly ok but maybe stale?


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

cristyhope71 said:


> So we've been together for 30 years ,then out of the blue he tells me I haven't given him enough affection over the last 12 years and now he has no love left for me .
> We are still living together, sleeping in the same bed and doing everything else we would normally do expect for any physical contact , not even a cuddle .
> I'm so confused and don't really know what's going on . Maybe a midlife crisis?
> I made the mistake of going from 0 to 100 with affection and now he's says it's too much as he's not use it !


You say it's out of the blue, but it sounds like for HIM, it's not and he's been feeling disconnected for a while now.

Also, it probably doesn't feel genuine and natural to him that you are trying to be affectionate NOW, because it appears to him that you are only doing it because he lost love for you...but when he did love you, you weren't affectionate on your own. So it feels fake to him. 

Is he open to going to marriage counseling? Did he say what he wants to do going forward - try to work on things or separate and divorce?

Were you really surprised by this, or have you felt disconnected from him as well for a long time? How often have you guys been having sex?

These are all important questions to answer in order to get to the bottom of what is going on with his feelings and what chance you have to create a better marriage for both of you.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Give us the short version of the last 12 years. What does that look like? You said yourself you went from 0 to 100. How long have you been on zero ?


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

Cristy,

As others have alluded to, there is more to this.

This is the proverbial tip of the iceberg. 

It's time for both of you to begin addressing all of that stuff below the surface, and quickly based upon what he's feeling and saying right now.

Look, I'm not taking his side, I have no idea what the issues are between the two of you.

Relationships are difficult, heck I'm on my 3rd marriage.

If things aren't addressed, they build up and some men (and some women too) don't really address things. They rug sweep them, but that doesn't work forever and things come to a head like they are for him right now.

Only you know if he's tried to discuss some of these things with you over the years. Maybe has and maybe he hasn't.

It's time to cut through it all and begin dealing with an addressing whatever these unresolved issues are.

I hope things work out for you the way you hope and want them to.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

cristyhope71 said:


> So we've been together for 30 years ,then out of the blue he tells me I haven't given him enough affection over the last 12 years and now he has no love left for me .
> We are still living together, sleeping in the same bed and doing everything else we would normally do expect for any physical contact , not even a cuddle .
> I'm so confused and don't really know what's going on . Maybe a midlife crisis?
> I made the mistake of going from 0 to 100 with affection and now he's says it's too much as he's not use it !


Unfortunately for your situation a big way a lot of men bond and feel intimacy with their wife is through physical touch. For some of us it would be like if there was no intimate discussion. You stop feeling close to your partner and start to feel very alone. You grow to want to experience it with just someone. Then you really grow to resent how the marriage prevents that. Years of that can kill love.

This would be similar to the way a lot of walk away wives who have husbands who never emotionally communicate with them feel. They also start to resent it.

I could totally see this happening after 12 years of no physical contact.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

I’d go online and check the phone bill.
From what I’ve seen blame shifting is a common theme. It’s used often.
Don’t just jump to conclusions.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

my experience with this sort of thing....little things build up over time in a marriage. they get to appear to be huge, and a breaking point is reached! One spouse blurts 12 years worth of holding back all at once. Its like the dam broke, and the flood of water rushes out.

but now that he has that off of his chest, maybe, just maybe, things are not quite as bad as he thought. I bet there were a lot of things you were doing to piss him off.
but it you now spend a lot of attention on him, and try to make him happy, and address some of these issues....he will probably come around.

You will have to change somewhat, and he will have to calm down and TELL YOU (with actual words) when you do something that he hates! 
who ever said that marriage was easy?


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Did he spend the last 12 years heartbroken and repeatedly telling you he needs affection?

12 years of no affection from you must have meant you didn’t love him either? You mentioned 0-100 now, why did you not give it then?


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

cristyhope71 said:


> So we've been together for 30 years ,then out of the blue he tells me I haven't given him enough affection over the last 12 years and now he has no love left for me .
> We are still living together, sleeping in the same bed and doing everything else we would normally do expect for any physical contact , not even a cuddle .
> I'm so confused and don't really know what's going on . Maybe a midlife crisis?
> I made the mistake of going from 0 to 100 with affection and now he's says it's too much as he's not use it !


You didn't fill his cup and what was inside him evaporated over time. 
Couples need to be pro-active in reaching out to each other.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

cristyhope71 said:


> he tells me I haven't given him enough affection over the last 12 years


Is this true? Or is it his perspective?


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## cristyhope71 (Jan 1, 2022)

In my head I've been busy bringing up our 3 children and looking after him and our home .
I think I Have been affectionate to him . We have an amazing sex life right up till the week before he dropped this on me.
This year we've had a couple of amazing weekend away on our own for the first time in 23 years . We enjoy each others company, we enjoy the same things .
Which is why I don't get it . He says I've not shown ENOUGH affection.
I did question why he didn't say anything before but his answer was ' I'm a man , it's a man thing '


In Absentia said:


> Is this true? Or is it his perspective?


I think it's his perspective. I love him I conditionally and show affection.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

In the original post however, you mentioned going from zero affection to 100,


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

cristyhope71 said:


> I think it's his perspective. I love him I conditionally and show affection.


Maybe not enough for him? I'm a bit lost here, to be honest...


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

cristyhope71 said:


> In my head I've been busy bringing up our 3 children and looking after him and our home .
> I think I Have been affectionate to him . We have an amazing sex life right up till the week before he dropped this on me.
> This year we've had a couple of amazing weekend away on our own for the first time in 23 years . We enjoy each others company, we enjoy the same things .
> Which is why I don't get it . He says I've not shown ENOUGH affection.
> ...


What you describe as sudden…….. usually another person is involved. What you describe….. a man doesn’t leave. Detective mode.


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## cristyhope71 (Jan 1, 2022)

In Absentia said:


> Maybe not enough for him? I'm a bit lost here, to be honest...


You're lost ! I'm lost and sinking fast


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

cristyhope71 said:


> You're lost ! I'm lost and sinking fast


I think the clue is where you say that you've been busy bringing up your 3 children and looking after him and your home. Seems to me you didn't have much time for him, which is understandable. Did he help you with the kids and the chores?


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

cristyhope71 said:


> In my head I've been busy bringing up our 3 children and looking after him and our home .
> I think I Have been affectionate to him . We have an amazing sex life right up till the week before he dropped this on me.
> This year we've had a couple of amazing weekend away on our own for the first time in 23 years . We enjoy each others company, we enjoy the same things .
> Which is why I don't get it . He says I've not shown ENOUGH affection.
> ...


What are you calli g amazing sex life? How often? My wife in past would get caught up in mommy mode and forget she was a wife 1st. She would say...we just had sex the other day! The other day was actually a week and half ago. She could not track time(days). 

As a person who has physical touch as my LL i was feeling very damned unloved and dismissed. I was about to the point of walking away. I finally broke and dumped 15yrs of resentment to thing she was doing or had done that really pissed me off or hurt me and started to build resentment.


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

Divinely Favored said:


> What are you calli g amazing sex life? How often? My wife in past would get caught up in mommy mode and forget she was a wife 1st. She would say...we just had sex the other day! The other day was actually a week and half ago. She could not track time(days).



OP,

You don't need to answer to us but you do need to be honest with yourself.

I'm a lady and I'm in my mid-50's. Long ago, during my first marriage, my husband wanted sex all the time. We had sex and to me, it was a lot. It wasn't close to what he wanted though, but I was young, feisty, hard headed and I dug my heels in and I'd let him know we had plenty of sex.

What I didn't know back then was that he had his own ideas about how much sex we had and his ideas were just as right and valid as mine were for me.

And, enough affection isn't necessarily just sex either.

To me, this is a communication issue between the two of you and a long standing one most likely and it's not just about sex.

Life is difficult. I have three children, I was a stay at home mom with my first husband and we had the normal life in terms of pets, kids in all kinds of activities like soccer, football, baseball, basketball, swimming, ballet, track, cub scouts and they were involved in their youth groups at our church as well.

I was guilty of many things in my first marriage (as was my husband). Back then, I honestly felt things were mostly my husbands fault (again, he was at issue for things) and I became snippy as I was feisty, not afraid to speak up and put him in his place. Our sex life dwindled but I still thought we had plenty of sex (we didn't though, I just thought we did).

It went beyond sex for us though. I'd turn my face from him when he went to kiss me or I'd break off our kisses if he was trying to kiss me longer than just a peck. I didn't like him hugging me, I didn't want to feel his "thing" against me on the couch, in bed, while hugging me etc.

Again, this wasn't just all sex is my point. It went beyond that and it didn't happen all at once, but slowly overtime.

As the months and years went by (we were married over 16 years), things slowly got worse, more bricks were added onto the wall that had been slowly building up between us.

Again, you don't need to tell us anything but this didn't just happen out of the blue with your husband.

I'm not taking his side as I have no idea what's happened between the two of you.

I wrote what I did about myself to try and help you realize that you need to look at a larger picture and try to see the whole.

It's difficult to do that as life comes at us fast. It's hard to see the forest through the tree right in front of our nose, but it's important to do that.

Every 6 months or at least once a year a couple should sit and discuss many things about themselves, their marriage, talk about their goals, their plans, adjust them. They should talk about what they like about their sex life, what they don't like about their sex life, about things they want to try etc.

My point isn't that it's all about sex, it isn't. F plans and goals that have nothing to with sex need to be discussed too.

Businesses come up with business plans, goals, action items for a quarter, for the year and then they review those plans when the year is done to see how they did and they roll things forward in the next plan and budget.

As employees we get yearly reviews, with goals, actions, things we need to do etc.

We need to do those in our personal life and with our partners too.

People need to be proactive instead of reactive, otherwise they find themselves in the boat you're currently in.

Don't let issues fester and build up slowly over time because there will come a point in time where the straw breaks the camels back.

Again, I don't know if your husband is being honest. He might just be trying to pin it on one thing, but it's likely a larger issue.

I've said all this because there isn't a magic bullet to repair this quickly. It will take work from both of you, effort, ongoing effort and regular communication.

People need to keep their flywheels spinning by giving it pushes here and there so it keeps on spinning around. Sadly, not enough do that and their flywheels quit spinning and that's when issues arise.

The only way to get through this is to work on things, communicate and to begin regularly pushing your flywheel (your relationship) so it keeps on spinning and humming along.

There aren't any shortcuts. 

I wish you well as you set about making changes and working on this with your husband.


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## Defhero (Jan 5, 2022)

cristyhope71 said:


> So we've been together for 30 years ,then out of the blue he tells me I haven't given him enough affection over the last 12 years and now he has no love left for me .
> We are still living together, sleeping in the same bed and doing everything else we would normally do expect for any physical contact , not even a cuddle .
> I'm so confused and don't really know what's going on . Maybe a midlife crisis?
> I made the mistake of going from 0 to 100 with affection and now he's says it's too much as he's not use it !


Sounds like he felt like you punished him for so long, he checked out. He probably had at one time, thought you were cheating and at other times, he felt that you were just not interested in affection. 
Now that you got your grove back, he is far past GONE. You can either except the fact, you took it to far or you can sit him down and explain to him, what has happened and how dearly sorry you are and hope to work on it.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

@cristyhope71, check his devices and his wherabouts, guarantee there is someone else who is filling his cup, now you don't seem so exciting anymore. Non-one goes from good life, sex etc to suddently you are not good enough. He is tasting goods elsewhere.
BTW, how was he as a husband, was he kind, loving and affectionate all the way?
Go into stealth mode and investigate there is much more to his comments than meet the eye.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

cristyhope71 said:


> In my head I've been busy bringing up our 3 children and looking after him and our home .
> I think I Have been affectionate to him . We have an amazing sex life right up till the week before he dropped this on me.
> This year we've had a couple of amazing weekend away on our own for the first time in 23 years . We enjoy each others company, we enjoy the same things .
> Which is why I don't get it . He says I've not shown ENOUGH affection.
> ...


another case where i will recommend the book: The Five Love Languages.

it sounds like your love language is service....where you work hard, do all sorts of things for him and your family to show your love.
and he is blind to that language, and keeps wondering "why is she not giving me what i want".
It does help if he understands how you think, and that you were thinking all this mom-work WAS showing your love to him. you really do have to explain it to him


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

A18S37K14H18 said:


> OP,
> 
> You don't need to answer to us but you do need to be honest with yourself.
> 
> ...


wow, i commend you and seeing clearly all that personal stuff. it is hard to self examine truthfully. Kudos


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

I wouldn’t jump to infidelity but I would look at some other things as well…

1) Attachment styles. If one is anxious/preoccupied and the other avoidant this is what happens. The anxious eventually over years gives up chasing the avoidant and checks out, often with little to no warning. I was the anxious one and she’s avoidant. Avoidants will go from 0-100 when all of sudden they realize they’ve lost their partner. “Love bombing” comes off as disingenuous.

2) Priorities. My wife admitted her #1 priority was being the best mom to our kids. And nearly everything out of her mouth is something family or work-related. The phrases she uses a lot are “growing family”, “enjoying time as a family”, “vacations as a family.” Times she talked about improving/growing us….zero. Result - disconnection as a couple.

3) Drifting apart. My wife either wants to do family stuff or her stuff and I go along. We have zero common interests or passions. She tells me to “have fun” as I end up alone doing want I consider connecting. So she is chronically absent from any connecting behavior. Ninety seconds post-orgasm she’s getting dressed. That’s big time disconnecting for me and is frankly squandered pillow talk and connection over 20 years.


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