# Sadly, I have found a home here...



## Ember (Jul 17, 2011)

I caught my W in an A 9 days ago (7/8/11). I had been suspicious for a few weeks, but had no proof until she forgot to turn her computer off, and left her email running. I was going to shut it down for her, when I decided to do a quick check. I found a few emails that were suggestive of an A, but nothing conclusive. So, I took my time trying to figure out how to find out if she was seeing someone. Two days before I confronted her, I went into our cell phone account, and found 1400 texts between her and the OM. I spent the next day figuring out who he was, and trying to decide what to do about it. Finally, I confronted her, and bluntly asked who (his name) was...she was speachless at first. But she did confess to it...it has been going on for two months (he's either a co-worker or manager at the store she worked at at the time...she quit right around the time she started seeing him). She says she has strong feelings for him (the FOG), but was going to start pulling away from the A. As of this morning, she has seriously cut back calling and texting him,but she had lunch (yeah right) with him yesterday. I've been completely laid out in grief...all the trust is gone, and the distance between us seems to be getting worse. I know the problems that I had that started this whole mess, and I have fixed them...was fixing them before DDay....but she doesn't seem to be doing anything (besides hopefully not talking to him some other way) to indicate that she wants to make our marriage work. I've done everything that I can think of to show her that our R is worth saving...I'm open to any and all suggestions and advice! I'm almost at the 180 point, but I'm not sure that would be the best alternative!


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Hi
Sorry to see you here. 

Okay. Your wife must END all contact with the OM. What the hell is this "cutting back" . 
She needs o stop it NOW. No last lunch. No more texting at all.
Unless you are happy to share her with him [that is an option] then you have to force a choice

The disrespect she is showing is typical yet astonishing at the same time.

180 Now.. Immediate. 

It mirrors my situation. 10 days laid out in grief and then here.


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## justsam (Mar 14, 2011)

no contact, man. she needs to show you that she wants to be married to you. no half-assed try at reconciliation either- either all in, or nothing. 180 right away.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

I know this seems harsh but have a think about what she is saying,,

Ember. I am having an affair. We are having sex with each other. I am sorry you caught me and I will try and stop banging him and work on the marriage but I can't really commit to that. That is Okay isn't it.

Say this.
If you love me. Stop the affair and end all contact.
If you Don't love me. Continue to see him.

This will clear it up FOR YOU.


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## justsam (Mar 14, 2011)

> but she doesn't seem to be doing anything (besides hopefully not talking to him some other way) to indicate that she wants to make our marriage work.


thisis what's bothering me. she's not putting forth the effort. she's probably still seeing him or contacting him in some way.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Everyone is right; no contact is a must. I was a doormat and dearly paid the price. You don't want to go down that path. Tell your wife she must stop all contact immediately and live a transparent life. She will share her passwords to ALL accounts and her life will be an open book to you. Otherwise, she should pack all her belongings and move out immediately. It's her choice, but she can't have both.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

The way I laid it out to my was this, she had two choices. Move out, sign an agreement to pay child expenses and home care expense for the mortgage we had based on 50/50. I would close the bank accounts and hold on to the amounts in them for bills to bring the house up to saleable condition. Her new apartment, her new car and everything else she needed was on her own hook. It would be a legal seperation for one month at which time if contact had not ended and she was fully transparent - all account passwords and user names, a different cell phone number and an agreement to permit me to look at anything and everything - then I would file. We would do a negotiated settlement with one lawyer to keep the costs down. 50/50 on any house proceed which wouldn't be much and 50/50 on the contents - NOTHING else. If she wanted to stay in the house, a NC letter had to be sent by me written by her immediately and the above terms applied. If she did move out, there was no turning back on the separation or the one month filing conditions. She waffled for a couple of weeks and then decided she wanted to try and R. Key thing is with R, is it NOT punishment for her. It is punishment enough for her to have to see and help me cope with the pain the A created. But no interrogations, anger put outside by walking away. She still needed to tell what happened and answer questions but I avoided the gory details. There are many on here who will suggest just filing and being done. I loved my wife and knew that whichever we took, it would be painful. I didn't beg or plead, didn't act like I didn't care. Just laid a set of expectations down without going into great detail until after she agreed to R. If you make it like a cast iron legal agreement immediately, she will take easy, no conflict, he makes me feel good route. I won't tel you R is easy, it's very hard. But so is divorce. Lay down the basic boundaries and expectations for now. If she is ready to R, you will know it. If not, start the above plan for separation by first closing all accounts including charge. Notify the credit bureaus to put a fraud alert on your accounts - no new credit because your separating. ANd put a limited time on moving out - if she has family or friends near by, make it now and tell her you can't be near her while she is still in contact. Notify his wife if he has one. Notify his employer he using compant resources to conduct an A. Contact an attorney. Get cracking man!


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

By the way, I think the 180 is for after the one month I listed. I put up my take on it in the men's clubhouse. I don't believe in it in total. If I had followed it to the letter, I know I would be divorced now.


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## justsam (Mar 14, 2011)

^it doesn't mean others shouldn't employ it.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

You can only start the reconciliation process if both people want that.
While one person is actively in an affair and you are the enemy to that persons happiness then you have no chance of R. 
The 180 is for the OP's protection not to get your marriage back.
It is desperate stuff..


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

The 180 degrees IS NOT, I repeat, IS NOT a tool to get your wife back. It is a set of rules to help a betrayed spouse become emotionally strong enough to move on with or without his/her spouse. A common side effect is that the unfaithful spouse notices the changes taking place in the betrayed spouse that the reality of the end of the marriage, finally breaks up the 'fog' (fantasy fueled mindset) of the unfaithful spouse. But side effect or not, the betrayed spouse will no longer fear to end the marriage and move on with his/her life.

8yearscheating is right in that *you should never, ever beg, cry, say "I love you", promise to change, etc. because it does not work and you become extremely unattractive (even if you happen to look like Brad Pitt's twin brother)*. Show her no fear that you will leave her for good and you might be pleasantly surprised by her reaction.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Ask her where in the marriage vows it said that she gets to work on slowing down the affair before ending it?

This isn't going on a diet where you try to cut out the potato chips. 

She needs to stop ALL contact or the marriage is done.

By letting her dictate the terms to you of her affair you are enabling the affair to continue. Is that acceptable? If not, then don't accept it.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Precisely on the 180. SOunds like he wants to R. Still needs those boundaries and what happens if she decides not to. Feed the requirements or boundaries in generally at first. If you hit like legal contract with tons off limitations, it may scare her away.


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## lovestruckout (Jul 6, 2011)

Also, don't try to reconcile too quickly. I stupidly let her back in to my heart after three days and it was clearly a mistake - I was far from ready to move move forward. TAKE YOUR TIME. Your emotions are going to be all over the place.

I think we're (my wife who betrayed me and I) almost at the point to truly work on things. . .but it has been a mess, with last Thursday being one of the worst nights after some additional details came out.

Also, remember every relationship is different, but generally speaking, it does seem important to cool it with the lovely dovey good guy stuff. She doesn't deserve it right now and offering that too soon may give her the idea that their really aren't huge consequences and it may happen again (did in my situation).


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## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

I think she is still in the "fog". My wife was just like your wife at the start. I think it takes a little bit of reality to set for them to realize the situation they are in. Do the 180 and bring all contact with OM to a halt. I think this will help force the issue of whether she is going to change or not. Best wishes....


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## Ember (Jul 17, 2011)

cj9947 said:


> I think she is still in the "fog". My wife was just like your wife at the start. I think it takes a little bit of reality to set for them to realize the situation they are in. Do the 180 and bring all contact with OM to a halt. I think this will help force the issue of whether she is going to change or not. Best wishes....


Yes, I agree. It seemed like it started to lift over the last two days, but she might have slipped back into it today...more contact with the OM...sigh...


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Don't let it get you down. It takes time and grieving for the WS to break it off. Hang in there guy. Easy does it - remember, do no harm. If you attack her, you will drive her right back into his arms.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

The OM has to get out of the picture ASAP. To do this simply ask her if she wants to stayed married to you. Hopefully she will say yes.
Then tell her that *we* will send him a NC letter now.
If she refuses then tell her the marriage is over, and you want her to leave now. Walk away and distance your self.

Again you are fighting an up hill battle if she continues contacting OM. Face it, nothing really matters until NC is established. His influence will continue to effect the dynamics of the marriage, it is a must. So its sounds easy and it really is, it's the him or me deal.

I know you love your wife and do not want to loose her, but once you come to term with ending your marriage she will feel and see your strength. Show her some confidence that you can move on with out her if she continues.

The simple trick here is getting her to believe you are dead serious and you will not waiver in the hard but simple fact that NC is a must.

Once she truely understands that her choices will for sure end her marriage and you have empowered your self by not begging for the marriage, I believe she will come to her sences.

May take is she believes you will not end the marriage and she can take her sweet time in what ever she wants to do. Stop letting her "cake eat" by playing hard ball. Excepting the consequence she could leave will at least give you the power to do this.

I now it sound like you will only push her further away, and it might but this crap could go on for a long time, and by then she will have dugg an emotional connection with OM that will be unbreakable, and her leaving will for sure happen, it just will take longer and more pain for you.

So get the ball rolling *now* and push...... hope for the best but prepare for the worst.

Again, I hope she sees that her choices will end the marriage and she see's a serious man who has stopped taking her crap.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

8- I see your point and my last post sounds like an attack but I think they (WW) can see our fear, and if he has fear of ending the marriage she will be on the fence for a long time.

You may be right in the fact that his wife is close to getting out of the fog, but only Ember knows exactly what amount of pressure to aply, and he should take your words to heart. 

I do still think some amount of pressure should be applied in getting to NC.


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