# Stay? Or leave him?



## Love2326 (Oct 31, 2012)

I have been with my husband now for 3 years. We got engaged after 2 years, and we were married on Sept. 1, 2012 (yes, this year). I am 34 years old, and we have no children (thankfully!). My parents never approved of him, probably because they wanted me to marry another professional (i.e. a doctor or lawyer, like me). My husband is a firefighter and never finished college. I never saw anything wrong with that. As a result, my parents and I did not speak for 2.5 of the 3 years I was with him because I chose him over them. 

The Sexting - So we were married on 9/1/12. On 9/13/12, I found a second cell phone that my husband kept. It was his deceased father's old cell phone. He told me it had long been disconnected but when I turned the power on, it worked. Immediately it began "dinging" with text messages. It was clearly not disconnected. On that phone, were text messages to 12 different women from just the day before (he had erased all other days). He gave one of them my home address and set up an appointment to meet. He negotiated the price with another one and said he wanted to "play twice" (cum twice). When she asked what he looked like, he sent a photo of his firefighter mentor to her and claimed it was him. Each meeting was set for a day when he was off of work and I was at work. I come home at 730pm on the weekdays. All meetings were set between 11 and 2pm. One of them tried to arrange 530pm but he said it was too late, as his "roommate" comes home. 

The forums - I opened up the web browser on the phone and discovered usasexguides.info. A sex forum where users post "Yelp"-style reviews of hookers. I saw a username that looked familiar and I randomly guessed his password and it worked. I was able to log into his account on the forum. I found over 100 reviews of different prostitutes, many from our geographic area where we live. In each city he traveled to without me (including Reno for his bachelor party in July ’12 when I was extremely busy at work) he posted ads looking for good references for prostitutes. Sept '11 in LA. July '10 in MI…. I read all his reviews which were extremely graphic and descriptive of the encounter, the price, and the feeling and what she did to him. I found 4 more forum websites and I found 4 secret emails that he maintained. On Craigslist, he posted an ad every 3-5 days looking for "petite and hot" in my town. I saw every ad from 2011-12. On my bachelorette party night July 18, he posted "empty house looking for fun!" The day before the wedding August 31 he posted "looking for morning fun 10am". I found forum posts dating back to 1999. 

The Cover-Up Story - On 9/15/12, we talked for 8 hours and I DEMANDED that he tell me everything and completely clean. He told me he has a sickness. He swore (on his dead father’s grave) that he never physically encountered anyone but he only made up fantasy stories. He claimed to call it off at the last minute. He swore he never had anyone in my bed or in my home even though he gave out my address.

The Real Story - The week after I found out, he began seeing a psychologist, and he started going to church multiple times per week. One week later, on September 21, 2012, my husband told me he has found God and he confessed he had slept with 5 women while he was with me, as recently as July 2012. 3 were his female friends sometime in 2009-10, and the other 2 were at massage parlors. He had sex with one of his girlfriends twice, for a total of 6 times in the 3 years I was with him. When he told me, I was so angry, I gave him 3 hours to get all of his stuff out of my house or I threatened to burn it. I had him sign uncontested divorce papers (we had a 24 page prenup so divorce is not a problem, and I don’t qualify for annulment in my state). I kicked him out and he is living with his family. 

The Aftermath - That week, I felt so lost, I just showed up at my parents doorstep crying. They hugged me and took me back. I got tested for all diseases which came back negative. It has been 7 weeks since this happened. I am 12 lbs lighter (from not eating or sleeping). He has gone to God and is now a devout Christian. He sold all his personal belongings, his car, his furniture, etc. He has applied to 15 different part-time jobs (like I asked him to do a year ago, since he has 20 days off per month to sit at home and get online). He is studying to take the realtor test, he enrolled at our local University to finish his degree. He is seeing a men’s counseling group, an individual therapist, a marriage therapist (with me) and is serving in his church. I took his iphone, deleted all his email accounts, deleted all his forum posts, he changed his cell phone number, he has a new email address, and we’re both off Facebook and all social media. He cries everyday, tells me he would do anything to have “our” life back, constantly says he made stupid selfish decisions, and swears he will “never touch that sh*t again”. Most of all, he is BEGGING, and I mean BEGGING for a second chance. 

It sounds like he’s repenting and trying to change, but I have ZERO trust in him. Absolutely none. He lied the whole time I was with him. I agreed to a marriage counselor becuase it couldn't hurt... right? I know its best if I just file for divorce and move on, but I haven’t been able to do it yet. I'm still so confused. My friends and family all know and wonder why I haven't filed yet. I have NEVER lied to him or been unfaithful. I know I don't deserve this. I’m so confused and lost. Any help???


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

My husband did similar things - you can read the link in my sig. My husband is a sex addict. I kicked him out when I found out what he was up to, but today we are happily reconciling. The only reason we are is that he has done very specific things that all waywards MUST do. Also read the newbie link in my sig.

I am so sorry you're here


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## Love2326 (Oct 31, 2012)

Wow Hope 1964, you are an incredibly strong woman! There definitely are similarities between your husband and mine. My husband is attending a group sex addicts session this week for the first time. Up until now, it's been straight therapy and church. I keep thinking: "We don't have kids, I'm still young, now is the time to get out!" I'll read through your other posts and hopefully that will give me some insight. Thank you! (btw, I chuckled at the fact that he paid her out of his coin jar. haha!).


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I hate cheaters who immediately turn to religion when they get caught...The fakest of the fakers

My suggestion: No,Hell no!! Don't get back with him... Even in the best case(the very very best case I mean), he has psychological issues that you might not be able to help. You cannot fix him. or he is putting up another act(which he got so good at) to pull you back..I don't even want to go into the worst case scenario..

Where did he get money for all this stuff ?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

What do you parents think ? Your friends and parents are absolutely right...

He was cheating all through the relationship. He was lying to you for 3 years.. You never knew the real him. Guys like your H are very good at manipulating other's emotions.


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## Love2326 (Oct 31, 2012)

Warlock07, his father passed away 2 years ago and left him life insurance money. We can all figure out what he did with that, right?? Plus, me being the sugar mama that I am... paid all the bills. UGH. I'm sick to think of how much I supported him. 

Yes, he's really Christian now and believes that God has forgiven him because he repented and bla bla bla. Just talking about this makes me mad at him again... my emotions are all over the place!!!

My parents hate his guts and want me to divorce him immediately. So do all my friends. And his familly is utterly ashamed of him. To make matters worse, his mother (whom i was very close with) and been talking sh*t about me and telling him I did them all a "favor" by telling people about his indiscretions. When this cell phone blew up, everyone found out. Both of our family, friends, etc. Everyone knows. And his mother is blaming me. I never want to speak to her ever again. So if we were to stay together, we would have no family involved in our marriage becuase everyone hates each other. Great start to the marriage, huh??

you're right. I never knew the real him. I married someone else. he did lie for 3 years. Why is this so hard for me to just file the dam papers??? I'm sort of disappointed in myself... I'm usually a very strong person.. then again, its only been 7 weeks since I found out..


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Victim789 said:


> Warlock07, his father passed away 2 years ago and left him life insurance money. We can all figure out what he did with that, right?? Plus, me being the sugar mama that I am... paid all the bills. UGH. I'm sick to think of how much I supported him.
> 
> Yes, he's really Christian now and believes that God has forgiven him because he repented and bla bla bla. Just talking about this makes me mad at him again... my emotions are all over the place!!!
> 
> My parents hate his guts and want me to divorce him immediately. So do all my friends. And his familly is utterly ashamed of him. To make matters worse, his mother (whom i was very close with) and been talking sh*t about me and telling him I did them all a "favor" by telling people about his indiscretions. When this cell phone blew up, everyone found out. Both of our family, friends, etc. Everyone knows. And his mother is blaming me. I never want to speak to her ever again. So if we were to stay together, we would have no family involved in our marriage becuase everyone hates each other. Great start to the marriage, huh??


How did I guess you were sponsoring him ? That no good SOB !! I'm raging for you here..

These guys are a particular type... They find good women who can support, leech of them and their money, do absolutely no work and cheat on them..These guys are very good liars and natural charmers(and probably very good looking too). His repentance is probably all an act. Or it will last until you get comfortable again in the marriage again..

Get out immediately. Why do you want to reconcile ? What do you hope to get back when all there was a lie and a sham!! Most marriage that reconcile after an infidelity will have some good times to help them through difficult periods. Your relationship is relatively short. And you don't have kids with him or STDs. It cannot get better than that..


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

If you had years of married life invested in this, including children, everything would look different, in my opinion.

As it is, if you cut your losses right now, divorce him and start fresh, you have a very good chance of finding someone honest and good to you.

If you decide to give him another chance, you will either be the key to his 'salvation' or a very big sucker. And you will NEVER really know what he's doing when you are not around. It will be a lifetime of insecurity and very possibly heartache for you.


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## Samus (Aug 28, 2012)

Sorry your hear. This is a tough decision of course.....(NOT), LEAVE!!!

You don't have really that much with this guy, no kids, which is usually the big decision factor in most marriages gone bad, and thank god you don't have that baggage. 

Please for the love of youself and your self being/respect kick this guy to the curb. He will cheat again and you might not be in a position where you can easily leave in the future.

Unfortunately, your husband has a real bad problem. He will not and cannot change, it is built into his system. Now lets just say he has changed and he has made the difficult decision to truly change (nevermind because he got caught and now playing the religion card with you), why waste your time keeping the relationship, let him practice this newfound religion/change with a new woman. 

Its honestly the best route for you, and your parents are the ones who made you, they brought you into this world. They love you without condition, and did everything they can to warn you. Most of us, probably all of us ignore our parents and do whatever we want when we are adults and usually most of us are happy and successful and our parents are happy too that things are working for the best, but in your situation it turned out bad. 

Let this POS go and move on with you life, and professional and intelligent woman like yourself are every guys dream. 

You will find yourself a better man. I wish you all the best.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

you're right. I never knew the real him. I married someone else. he did lie for 3 years. Why is this so hard for me to just file the dam papers??? I'm sort of disappointed in myself... I'm usually a very strong person.. then again, its only been 7 weeks since I found out..

This is because, as fake as his love is, you were really invested emotionally and in many other ways. You do not want the emotion and the love you put in the relationship to go to waste. You still want to see if there is any hope before giving up. And as you said, it has been just 7 weeks. You just cannot turn off your emotions just like that. But just realize that you married a con man!!

Your Mother-in-Law's reaction is interesting. How was she during your relationship or marriage ? You said you stopped talking to your family, was she a source of support during this time ? In hindsight, was she manipulative ? This could be a family of con-artists!!

I posted this elsewhere about sunk cost policy



> When one makes a hopeless investment, one sometimes reasons: I can’t stop now, otherwise what I’ve invested so far will be lost. This is true, of course, but irrelevant to whether one should continue to invest in the project. Everything one has invested is lost regardless. If there is no hope for success in the future from the investment, then the fact that one has already lost a bundle should lead one to the conclusion that the rational thing to do is to withdraw from the project.
> 
> To continue to invest in a hopeless project is irrational. Such behavior may be a pathetic attempt to delay having to face the consequences of one's poor judgment. The irrationality is a way to save face, to appear to be knowledgeable, when in fact one is acting like an idiot. For example, it is now known that Lyndon Johnson kept committing thousands and thousands of U.S. soldiers to Vietnam after he had determined that the cause was hopeless and that the U.S. would not win the war (McMaster 1998: 309). George W. Bush continues to argue that thousands more soldiers and billions more dollars be committed to the war on Iraq, despite the fact that the preponderance of the evidence indicates not only that the war can't be won but that the U.S. has no definite idea of what winning even means here.
> 
> ...


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

You're married less than 2 months, no children, no major financial obligations - I'd leave and start fresh.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Yeah, I had 14 years and lots of good times to make me want to reconcile. In your situation, I would tell him to let you know when he has 5 years sober and seeing a CSAT, and then you MIGHT talk to him.

He sounds like he got in a lot deeper than my husband did, and for longer. He needs serious help, which he is NOT going to get from a church.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> Yeah, I had 14 years and lots of good times to make me want to reconcile. In your situation, I would tell him to let you know when he has 5 years sober and seeing a CSAT, and then you MIGHT talk to him.
> 
> He sounds like he got in a lot deeper than my husband did, and for longer. He needs serious help, which he is NOT going to get from a church.


:iagree:
What Hope says is spot on. When you're dealing with a long term addiction, they will normally tell you that you need a year plus to deal with yourself and your addiction without the complication of a relationship.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think Warlock is spot on.

Your husband is using you as a meal ticket so that he can indulge the way he really wants to live.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Divorce, cut off all contact and never look back. It's going to be hard enough for you to trust a man who deserves it, who is worthy of it at this point. I can't imagine the hell you would volunteer for if you gave this piece of garbage another second of your life!


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Beyond your heart thre's nothing which link you to this man.
There're tons of men with*out* so deep issues out there.
He's an addict therefor3 the chances he will relapse in this life are huge, specially because he's not getting proper help. It's wonderful he found God. God is not a sex addiction counselor thou.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I really hate to tell you this, but serial cheaters never quit cheating. I married one too and divorced him. 19 years later he is still cheating. 

You'll have to watch his every move from now on if you decide to stay. I bet he will stray again. Good luck. I personally don't think it's worth it, especially down the road when you've invested so much of your time watching over him.

Your much better off without him.


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## Love2326 (Oct 31, 2012)

I know you guys are all right... I need to leave him. But geez, it's just so hard!!! Now is as good a time as any... no ties whatsoever. Ugh. 

We went to our marriage counselor today (only the second meeting) and I went in there and asserted myself and my boundaries. I said I will not tolerate indiscretions, lies, betrayal, and everything else he dished to me these past 3 years. I said I simply do not deserve to live like a spy, and I will not. I don't have time to check phone bills, GPS track his car, etc. I straight up deserve better than that. I said with each week, I am growing stronger and am able to set my boundaries and I would not tolerate always wondering if he's cheating on me. I said I look at my husband and am disgusted with him. He looks unappealing to me now. I was VERY VERY firm. As I was saying that, he cried. He lost it. After regaining his composure, the counselor calmly told him he has a sexual addiction problem. My husband cannot admit that quite yet. That is step 1 of the 12 step program I think. He's just not there yet. 

BUT... my husband agreed to go to group sex addiction therapy, he will continue to see his individual psychologist, plus church, plus marriage counseling (if I should choose to go again), plus bible study. After the session, he gave me his cell phone, and told me he would cut off all ties to any person I did not trust. He gave me all his usernames and passwords to everything (bank accounts, etc.). He agreed never to go on any trips without me there. He would not go anyplace I did not approve of. He said he would never drink alcohol again. He told his mother if he has to choose between her or me, he chooses me. He told me he would take a lie detector test anytime I want him to. He said he had interviews for second jobs and would take whatever they offered him, for any amount. He sold everything he owns (including his car and his jetski and all his furniture) because he wants to start over to have a new life with me. He said he just needs me and God in his life. 

Question: Is he feeding me more crap?? It sounds like he's trying to change... these are not insignificant changes... but I don't want to be stupid about this. My mind is just so clouded right now, I'm not thinking straight. Opinions?? you guys are really helping me get a difference perspective  Thank you!


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Your choice to stay or go.

If you are ready to go, then talk to a lawyer about an annulment. Concealing a sexual addiction before marriage might be grounds.

Never hurts to explore possible options even if you do not choose to exercise them.


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## Love2326 (Oct 31, 2012)

TDSC60, Thanks for your comment. Funny thing is: I am a lawyer. heehee. I can do my own divorce. He signed a divorce decree, but he would probably stipulate to an annulment, which is of course.. preferrable. 

I'm not worried about the legal part of this - I can handle that.. it's more just... am I being a chump by even considering this??? I probably am, but he's given up his whole life and has lost everything he has had. Even his best friends and his cousins won't speak to him. He hit the bottom. Sometimes thats what it takes for addicts to recover, right?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Victim789 said:


> TDSC60, Thanks for your comment. Funny thing is: I am a lawyer. heehee. I can do my own divorce. He signed a divorce decree, but he would probably stipulate to an annulment, which is of course.. preferrable.
> 
> I'm not worried about the legal part of this - I can handle that.. it's more just... am I being a chump by even considering this??? I probably am, but he's given up his whole life and has lost everything he has had. Even his best friends and his cousins won't speak to him. He hit the bottom. Sometimes thats what it takes for addicts to recover, right?


Yes people do have to find their bottoms if you have to reflect for a week or 2 fine. If you practice family law that's fine but if you don't I suggest you find one that does. I'll tell you some are a 1/2 notch above ambulance chasers again I said SOME.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

I just don't see the value in it for you honestly. Giving your heart to anyone is a gamble, but usually your odds are like 50/50, but with his history its more like 99.99999% that he will screw you over and break your heart.

Maybe he has hit rock bottom (you haven't divorced yet, he still had a job, etc., not there yet), maybe he has turned over a new leaf (his acting has been so good for years you never suspected a thing), but why do you feel the need to be the guinea pig? Are you drawn to the idea of being his saviour? Sorry god has that role already apparently. Seriously, I have been a white knight myself, and let me tell you, it sucks, big time. I swore I would never do it again, but had to in order to save my own marriage, and guess what, it still f'ing sucks! Don't do it, especially if you don't have to, and you don't have to.

I think you are in the BS fog right now, that's why you're even thinking about it. Cut ties for a couple months, completely. Clear your head, get healthy, focus on yourself. You'll be able to make a sound decision then, that you can be more sure of. One that is right for you in the long run.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Victim789 said:


> TDSC60, Thanks for your comment. Funny thing is: I am a lawyer. heehee. I can do my own divorce. He signed a divorce decree, but he would probably stipulate to an annulment, which is of course.. preferrable.
> 
> I'm not worried about the legal part of this - I can handle that.. it's more just... am I being a chump by even considering this??? I probably am, but he's given up his whole life and has lost everything he has had. Even his best friends and his cousins won't speak to him. He hit the bottom. Sometimes thats what it takes for addicts to recover, right?


How about this. Go through with the annulment/D.

Then give him a chance to date you,while he works on being faithful. The two of you can always remarry down the road. If his new found religion , remorse, etc. turns out to be false then you just keep on going and don't look back.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

SadandAngry said:


> ...
> I think you are in the BS fog right now, that's why you're even thinking about it. Cut ties for a couple months, completely. Clear your head, get healthy, focus on yourself....


If you gave yourself this time, just a few months & then came back here and read your opening post, you would be better able to see what we all see - that your H's dishonesty going into your marriage was so overwhelming and complete that there's no real marriage between you.

You can't easily see it because you are in the weeds right now. No matter how sad a soul he appears right now, you're talking about the rest of your life & you're headed for a real mess if you stay in this.


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## NewtoThisMarriageThing (Oct 17, 2012)

Ok. I'm coming in here to give you a completely different perspective. As a Christian, I do believe God has the ability to change people and no "condition" is too difficult for Him. At the same time, the person has to be willingto be changed. Your husband, from what I gather, never thought he would get caught. It probably didn't register to him as doing anything wrong (as weird as that may sound) because it was never brought up. Now that its all in the open he sees its no longer something he can pursue without consequence. You know your husband better than us here and there's a reason you haven't quite filled that divorce yet. Somewhere deep down, you believe he's really sorry and really changing. If you do, take things slow. You don't have to jump right back into the routine of things. That may make him feel his actions weren't that egregious. Instead I would suggest remaining separated while you two work things out. This will give you both time. Time to see if he's really going to change, time to rekindle your love for each other truthfully. Keep up the marriage counseling, go to church with him, be actively involved in his recovery. As years go by, he'll love you and cherish you even more for sticking by his side when everyone else dumped him.

Hope I helped!  with God all things are possible, trust in Him, build that trust, grow together in your dependence upon God 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

The road to reconciliation is a long one, and in my opinion, only possible for the very strong among us. I certainly couldn't do it in these circumstances...The amount of disrespect, cheating, lying that has gone on here is too great....I'd say end the marriage. Best Wishes.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Tell him you are going to follow through with the divorce. It's not necessary linked to end your relationship. He still have the chance to prove himself, with time, consistently. He always can prove you his changes are lasting.
He claims to need you in his life. In that case the divorce won't stop him.

Tell him to pay a couple of visits to a CSAT.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You pay all the bills? I'd divorce him just for that.


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## Azure (Oct 8, 2012)

your husband is only sorry he got caught. Don't waste another minute on him. He's an addict. He is a liar. A cheater. He has serious psychological problems. You've been living a lie with him.  You've lost trust, you have no foundation to begin with, no good years of marriage or children to make you stay. Why invest so much when you have nothing to lose by leaving him now? Cut your losses. If I were in your place this would be an EASY decision.

Leave him NOW.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

The fact that he's been doing this since 1999 sugggest he's truly sick and needs all the therapy he's seaking out.

Doesn't mean you owe it to him to get back together. In fact he's probably too damanged to be married to.


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## oddball (Sep 5, 2012)

I have battled addictions. I have spent years in 12 step programmes. I f I was you I would run. Most addicts relapse. Some like me replace one addiction with another. You up for walking that road, its not an easy one.

I have recovered. My wife stayed with me. Sometimes there are happy endings. 

But I have seen over the years how addiction destroys marriages.

No kids, short marriage. I would run.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Victim789 said:


> ... he wants to start over to have a new life with me. He said he just needs me and God in his life.


Back in the day when social services was a very different animal, my mother worked for the local public health department. She came home almost daily with stories about badly beaten and abused women who she had tried in vain to extract from their abusive situations. They always said the same thing:

"He promised he'd never do it again. I can't leave him. I LOVE him."

All through the bruises and broken bones.

When we all scoffed, my mother would wisely say that we can't judge these things when the heart is involved. The heart wants what it wants. People have to get distance from the situation in order to do what they need to do.

So, you have many posters here suggesting ways for you to get some distance so that you can figure out what you need to do for your future. Please step away from your H to do that.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Wise advice above...I know a woman here at work, quite smart, good at her job, well liked, and she's got this scumbag of a boyfriend, who is both jobless and a serial cheater. His latest conquest left her thong in the apartment for his GF to find. She found the thong...she stays with him...How much more does she need? Only she knows that...as she whines..."...but I LOVE him!!!".


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## Earl Dibbles Jr (Nov 1, 2012)

You do know the real "man" your husband is, and I use that term loosely. He is a scum sucking piece of bull dung. 

Run like the wind blows.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

what on earth is in this for you? If you do stay you'll spend the rest of your relationship checking up on him, wondering if he's straying every single time you're away from the house

that ain't worth it - you sound like a smart, successful lady, go out and find someone worth it!!


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Stardusted said:


> If he's truly a sex addict I'm not sure he'll be able to stop. Maybe take breaks but not stop. Sorry.


This isn't what the experts say. Are you a CSAT?



Victim789 said:


> Question: Is he feeding me more crap?? It sounds like he's trying to change... these are not insignificant changes... but I don't want to be stupid about this. My mind is just so clouded right now, I'm not thinking straight. Opinions?? you guys are really helping me get a difference perspective  Thank you!


Yes he is feeding you crap. There is NO way he can do all that stuff he promised, even if he DOES get professional help. He won 't even admit he has an addiction right now - that alone should be enough for you to tell him to go to hell.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Separate, file for divorce or annulment. Let him work on him.

If he can get himself sorted out and then stay that way for an entire year, try dating again with him giving you full access to all computers, cell phones, etc.


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## KathyGriffinFan (Apr 4, 2011)

Recovered sex addict here *waves hand*

Let me tell u something you probably know and have been told in this thread: whatever number of OW he told you, multiply that by 100. 
That's the reality of it. 

And if I were you, I'd run screaming for the hills, all the while thanking my lucky stars that I found this out now instead of 5 or 10 years from now. 
No kids? Hallelujah 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Dumping him is your best bet.
I doubt that he's been with 100 women because if he was that much in demand, he wouldn't need to use his bosses photo to get hits.
I don't believe in "sex addiction" since I think that there's a horndog in all guys and if they could, they'd be on their SO every hour of the day.
He's merely another cheater who can't appreciate the better things life has to offer (you) and prefers to sneak around.
Too bad he couldn't have married my ex.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

And it's one thing to be professionally diagnosed as a sex addict....quite another to be a self-proclaimed sex addict.


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## Love2326 (Oct 31, 2012)

Thanks everyone. The overwhelming response is: GET OUT NOW! I know you are all right. As some of you said, I'm still in the "thick of the fog" which is why its hard right now. But I WILL come out of it, and I WILL end this. Being separated is great for me right now: I've had chances to reconnect with my family, I can come and go and do things as I please... Its good. Its just so sad to think that all the things I had planned with this new marriage is down the drain. I think the pain is the loss of a very important person in my life, and the loss of the hopes and dreams I had for the future. But with each day, those hopes and dreams seem to fade away. 

I truly appreciate everyone on this forum. We are all going through (or have gone through) tough times. I'll stay involved in this forum and will keep you all updated. I will file for divorce... sometime soon!!! Hold me to it!!:smthumbup:


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Victim789 said:


> Thanks everyone. The overwhelming response is: GET OUT NOW! I know you are all right. As some of you said, I'm still in the "thick of the fog" which is why its hard right now. But I WILL come out of it, and I WILL end this. Being separated is great for me right now: I've had chances to reconnect with my family, I can come and go and do things as I please... Its good. Its just so sad to think that all the things I had planned with this new marriage is down the drain. I think the pain is the loss of a very important person in my life, and the loss of the hopes and dreams I had for the future. But with each day, those hopes and dreams seem to fade away.
> 
> I truly appreciate everyone on this forum. We are all going through (or have gone through) tough times. I'll stay involved in this forum and will keep you all updated. I will file for divorce... sometime soon!!! Hold me to it!!:smthumbup:


It is sad, but I hope you realise, you've only lost them temporarily. In fact you've been given a gift of sorts. The true man you married revealed himself before you were inextricably linked to him for life, by children. Now you'll be free to go find someone who is real, who is worthy of you. How can you tell exactly who is real, and who is faking? I don't know. I think that will be the biggest thing that will haunt you going forward. Remember, it wasn't you, it wasn't all men, it was him that's broken.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Hopes and dreams that are based on lying and cheating are not hopes and dreams - they are a farce and to be avoided and replaced with real ones.


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## Foghorn (Sep 10, 2012)

V789,

I feel for you. I was cheated on. I recovered my self-confidence and self-esteem but it took a while. After that, I found a man I could respect and I am lucky to call him my husband.

There are many ways to measure a relationship, but just to describe, my husband:
1. is trustworthy and transparent. He has no secrets. While I am not nosey, there's nothing he would not show me or tell me.
2. Lifts me up. He makes me stronger, smarter, encourages me, makes me feel special. We argue sometimes but we don't use personal attacks. We argue about the issue.
3. Takes care of me and the kids. He pays bills (but not all, I work too), fixes things around the house, takes care of the cars. He pounds nails and paints walls. He spends his spare time making our life better.
4. Does kindnesses. If there is extra time and income, he might buy a toy for a child, pay for music lessons, get me some new cookware, plan a nice vacation for us.

Look, he's not a saint and we all do things wrong. But these are the basics I can expect from him. If our sons grew up to be like him, I would be happy and proud.

I think you should look at your hopefully soon to be ex, and ask yourself, "Do I want to spend the next 20 years helping an addict out of addiction?" or, do you want to find someone who fills your needs and makes you a better person? Should you have kids, would you want your sons to turn out like him?

I think you should leave him.


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## forevermemorable (Oct 19, 2012)

Victim789 said:


> Question: Is he feeding me more crap?? It sounds like he's trying to change... these are not insignificant changes... but I don't want to be stupid about this. My mind is just so clouded right now, I'm not thinking straight. Opinions?? you guys are really helping me get a difference perspective  Thank you!


I have read through all your comments and my heart breaks for what you are going through. Although, I cannot relate to what you are going through, I can give you my thoughts from a Christian perspective, if you care to hear them. If not, don't read on.

I do not condone your husband's actions and he is responsible for them. However, I am always for forgiveness and reconciliation. In the Bible, God allows for divorce in the cause of adultery (which has clearly been proven in your case). My dear lady, you are completely in your right to go this route. However, I firmly believe that divorce is not God's plan or desire for anyone. I firmly believe that God would have you forgive and if possible, be reconciled. Divorce was permitted because of the hardness of man's heart. Being cheated on, is probably one of the most difficult things to overcome. I mean, if you cannot overcome the fact of the actions, how can you move on and how can you trust again?

However, if you allow forgiveness to reign in your heart, you will find it a whole lot easier to get on with your life. Forgiveness is a very powerful muscle, but very very difficult to exercise. Anyone and everyone can hate easily, but forgiveness is a rarity!

From what you have written about your husband's conversion as a born-again Christian, it sounds genuine. I say that not defending him directly, because I do not know him, but your words really speak volumes to me...they echo someone that has had a true conversion. I am not sure your beliefs, but I can tell you for certainty that when someone becomes a true Christian, their life takes a complete turn...a 180 degree turn from their former life. Usually the first step after one becomes a Christian, they will seek out forgiveness with the ones they have hurt and try to make right...which is exactly what your husband is doing. This means coming clean with everything...a no holds barred...everything goes kind of mentality. The fact that your husband spoke all the details of his transgressions really says a lot. I don't know many men who would actually spill it out like your husband has. People like to live in secret and in the dark...its where they are comfortable. People do not come to the light, less their deeds be exposed. Your husband has taken the initiative to come clean with you, thus exposing his treturous deeds. This is showing that your husband is taking action and responsibility for what he has done.

Again, it is your decision on whether your will continue to harvest bitterness and resentment towards him or forgive him...that is your choice alone that you have to decide whether you will forgive or hate. I will talk more about this further down.

To answer your question bluntly, which you posed, "Is he feeding me more crap?? It sounds like he's trying to change." It truly and utterly sounds like your husband is trying to change. I believe this with all my heart. Changing from a lifestyle that your husband has had is a process...it will NOT come overnight. He has an addiction that NEEDS to be addresses and by what you have said, he is going about doing that. Again, its not going to happen at the snap of the fingers. Believe you me, I understand how you want to get on with your life and have either everything be back to normal or to move on and get on with your life like nothing ever happened. Its going to take time! I am completely amazed at all the steps your husband is taking to come clean and rectify his deeds. And I can tell you this, he is not primarily doing it so that he can get his marriage back...he is doing it because he has realized that he has a problem and he wants to overcome that problem for good. He is seeking the help that he needs every which way he can. By him offer his cell phone, passwords, etc. to you is a goodwill gesture that is shown that he wants to remain transparent and completely open with you. This is what trust is. "But I don't trust him anymore" you would say. And rightfully so...I agree and understand. Your husband knows that too! Trust is not regained overnight, in a week, a month, or even a year. It takes time! And sometimes people choose to never trust a person again...which is entirely your choice. But I guarantee you that it takes more effort to hate and hold a grudge, than it is to forgive. You will never understand how freeing it is to forgive, until you try it.

My goodness, even as a Christian I have been faced with many situations where I have hated someone for doing me wrong and it wasn't until I decided to forgive them that I could be healed myself and not harvest ill-will and hate towards them anymore. Forgiveness is the most freeing things in the world...even if you are not religious. You will not know until you try. Even at the worse, if you choose to go the divorce route, do yourself the favor and forgive your husband...you do not owe him that, but yourself...for your soul's sake. In fact, let me challenge you to forgive your husband...I mean truly forgive him...I mean from the inner most depths of your heart forgive him...and if you still wish to proceed with the divorce, go for it.

Never the less, if you are willing to allow your husband's olive branch in your life again...give him and yourself time. Time! Time! Time! I think its awesome that your husband has rid himself of the things that he has hold dearly to. I think it is awesome that your husband is taking every initiative to make his life better and for a purpose. Change like that does not happen every day. Your husband has most definitely had a conversion and he is taking the steps to make right the wrongs in his life. His marriage is at your mercy, this is true and I can probably figure that he is ready to accept the ramifications of his actions, if his marriage cannot be re-glued and I believe that he will not relapse to his former life, but grow in the grace and knowledge of his new relationship with God. A passage of Scripture that just popped in my head that I want to share with you is 2 Corinthians 5:17, "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new." What old things is this passage talking about? The former self! The sinful lifestyle that your husband was living in...totally blinded...totally selfish. What is the new that this passage talks about? The new speaks of a new way of life...a 180 degree turn from the former. The new speaks of putting off the wicked deeds of our sinful fleshly carnal desires and pursuits and pursuing a life that is pleasing to God...that does not do wrongs to others, but loves unconditionally, even when one has been hurt.

My dear, it is my greatest desire and hope for that two of you to be reconciled and to have the marriage you have dreamed about. I believe with all of my heart, soul, and mind that this is still possible with the two of you. I know others will say differently and implore you to move on, but your marriage is not at a lost. You my dear are not a loss. You are very precious and God knows exactly what you are going through and He knows your heart and your husband's heart and His desire is for forgiveness.

I believe that time heals all wounds and if you are not convinced of your husband's sincerity, take some more time to allow him to prove himself. Going back to college, selling his car, going to counseling, Bible studies, getting involved at his church...my goodness...what else is there? But again, its going to take time. I would encourage you to watch your husband's behavior and actions during the next month or two. Analyze him, study him, scrutinize him like a hawk. If your husband shows consistency and genuine then open your heart to the idea that he has changed and is no longer the person that he was (like 2 Corinthians 5:17 says).

I understand that you are torn between two extremes...divorce or reconciliation. But I have complete confident, joy, and hope that you can have that marriage your dream about and above that, with your husband. I really have complete hope and assurance in the two of you and I desire greatly for you two to be blessed in the future with a marriage that is founded upon trust, honesty, love, hope, and faith. In fact, somehow and in some way, I really feel a connection to the two of you, which is why the lengthy response...the most lengthy one I have ever written on this forum...I believe in the two of you and I believe that you are not without hope. And I firmly believe God has favor with the two of you and desires to reign in your marriage. What a glorious thing it is. It all starts with forgiveness.

I will be praying for you.


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## Love2326 (Oct 31, 2012)

Forevermemorable, Wow. Thank you for your reponse! You hit it on the nose and a lot of the things you said are things I'm thinking, but i think I just needed reassurance. This journey has led me in SO many directions and my emotions have been all over the place-its just exhausting. 

I dug really really deep and with God's help, I was able to forgive him. I will never ever forget- but I was able to forgive him. Why? Because its just impossible for me to live with so much anger and hatred in my heart. I have never felt so much anger before in my life... it was exhausting hating someone so much! So I decided that I couldn't deal with any of this anymore. I couldn't deal with the anger, the confusion, the hatred, the lies... so I looked up and I said, "I am at my limit, YOU deal with this!" and i put it in God's hands. I instantly felt better. This is not my problem anymore. After I did this, I felt like I had the strength to forgive. 

My husband is a born-again Christian, and this experience has made me one too. I am different. Its like I don't own myself anymore, God owns me. I know it sounds crazy, but everything I do and say now.. they're not my own actions anymore. 

I told my husband to read 2 Corinthians 5:17. He told me that was one of the very first passages he read, and it was one of his favorites. He had it memorized. Ironically, you mentioned that if he becomes a true Christian, he will do a 180. He has told me over and over, his life has done a 180 degree turn and he has purpose now. He has made significant changes, but I (naturally) am SO cautious and wary of his words... after all everything he told me for the past 3 years was wholly untrue, right?? 

You are right. The only thing that will tell is time. Time, time, time. I am waiting for direction. This decision is a big one: divorce or reconcilliation... I just don't want to make the wrong decision. Everyone seems to think that I should just divorce him and leave, but my faith tells me to hang on and see what he does. So I'm hanging. 

Thank you for your words. I truly appreciate your post.


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## forevermemorable (Oct 19, 2012)

Your post has moved me to tears. I wish other in this forum could read your response, because it is living proof in the power of forgiveness and redemption. There is much hate, anger, and bitterness in these forums. Many members with chips on their shoulders who will never forgive and they are consumed with their hatred and their counsel is destructive and nonproductive.

I totally understand that you are torn between two voices...the overwhelming voice to divorce and the soft small voice that says wait and see. I implore you to ALWAYS go with the still small voice and act upon faith. I think you said it best...it is a faith choice. You are having faith in something you do not see, know, or understand. In fact, the Biblical definition of faith is found in Hebrews 11:1, "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." You can't possibly see yourself trusting your husband again...you can't possibly see the two of you together again. Understandably so and sanely so.

Yet, where man has meant for evil God has turned it into good. All the lies, deceit, deception, hurt, sorrow, agony, pain, hate, etc. etc. that has come about, God has turned it into forgiveness, redemption, hope, assurance. I am not talking about marriage, but of the fact that the two of you have allowed God to come into your life in a real and personal way, that no longer are you walking blinded by reality and the truth, but the one True Truth has set you free. It has set you free from a yoke of bondage and slavery, held captive by the world. I don't want to talk too fancy, but what I am saying is, the world says hate, be bitter, do whatever your heart's desire is and God has poured out His love on you through the mist of this catastrophic experience. But, make no mistake about it, you had to actually come to the point of allowing God to be in control. Control of what? Control of yourself...your emotions, feelings, sorrows, hate, etc. By letting go and letting God, you have been able to forgive the way God would want you to forgive. You broke the chains of anger and bitterness and now you are free. And you have spoken well in that you said that you feel free. It truly is a freeing experience and it is offered to everyone for the taking. Even if you don't come to know who God is, just the act of forgiveness is a powerful healing to the soul.

But praise be to God that His mercy and grace has been bestowed upon the both of you. My dear, in reality, your husband does not deserve a second chance or forgiveness, but that is what mercy and grace is. Mercy is NOT getting what you do deserve. Grace is GETTING something you don't deserve. God has really bestowed both of these upon the two of you, but more so in your husband's case. God has given mercy to your husband so that he no longer walks as a stranger, a cast away, rejected, despise (although there may be those that harvest ill-will and bitterness in their hearts towards him and that is on them), but through your husband's willingness to allow God in and God's love to fully embrace your husband, he can experience God's mercy of no longer being alienated from Him. In addition, your husband receives God's grace in the fact that He is using your husband's life to make a change, to weed out where the locus have eaten him away, to be involved with changing his life that he might not walk anymore after the sinful lust of the eyes that has so weighed him down so many years, not to mention the lies and deceits your husband has been entangled with for so long. It has been his way of life for so long and now the Lord has turned it all upside down and he is forgiven and your husband's desire is to live His life pleasing to God and to no longer live his former life.

Truly, whoever is in Christ he is a new creation, old things have truly passed away and a new life has come. I am so excited for the two of you and what the Lord has instore for you. First and foremost, I am speaking about the two of you individually. You see, God works on each of us in our own way, as He sees fit. Having a personal relationship with God is a one-on-one thing. There will always be struggles and difficulties in life and it will be our own responsibility to go to God with them, and trust in Him, and put our faith in the hope that He will get us through whatever it is that we are going through. Proverbs 3:5-6, "Trust in the LORD with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths."

Secondly, if the two of you are able to come back together (and I believe you will), you are going to have an awesome marriage that is no longer held back by deception, deceit, bitterness, lust, but a marriage that is first and foremost founded upon a Rock (speaking of Jesus), and a marriage that is founded upon trust, honesty, sincerity, communication, true love. And I totally understand if these attributes seem unobtainable and impossible, but with God all things are possible (Matthew 19:26). And with that Philippians 4:13, "I can do all things through Christ who gives me the strength to."

Yes...time, time, time! Its going to take time and I know that God who has begun a good work in you and will perfect you to His plan and purpose, for His glory (read Jeremiah 29:11). Another passage I want to share that has been really pressed upon me to share is 1 Corinthians 6:19-20, "Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God's."


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

forevermemorable said:


> Your post has moved me to tears. I wish other in this forum could read your response, because it is living proof in the power of forgiveness and redemption. There is much hate, anger, and bitterness in these forums. Many members with chips on their shoulders who will never forgive and they are consumed with their hatred and their counsel is destructive and nonproductive.
> 
> I totally understand that you are torn between two voices...the overwhelming voice to divorce and the soft small voice that says wait and see. I implore you to ALWAYS go with the still small voice and act upon faith. I think you said it best...it is a faith choice. You are having faith in something you do not see, know, or understand. In fact, the Biblical definition of faith is found in Hebrews 11:1, "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." You can't possibly see yourself trusting your husband again...you can't possibly see the two of you together again. Understandably so and sanely so.
> 
> ...


Are you her H ? Did you even read her posts ? What does religion have to do with her taking him back ? Forgiving does not mean reconciliation...This was a relationship that was based on deception, right from the outset.. There was never honesty in this..So, someone is duped into marrying a con-artist, you recommend that they stay married ? That is what religion tells you ?

It is people like you that give religion a bad name...You quote the scripture in vain without making any sense... 

OP, you will definitely lose your parents this time.. If religion means so much purity, why do we see so many scandals involving catholic priests and the church these days ? Taking up the God's name does not mean he will change. He showed you the real him when he though you weren't looking. next time, he will be extra careful to hide things even better(should he decide to do it again).. People don't realize that are in toxic relationship when they are in one.. The fear of being alone and the unknown shouldn't be reason to be in a relationship... I hope you are attending some counseling....

How was your dating life before this relationship ?


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## Love2326 (Oct 31, 2012)

My dating life was pretty normal before my Husband. I had some codependent issues prior to this marriage though. I am seeing not one- but TWO counselors to help me though this! I think the best part about all of this is: I got back to me. I am now just thinking: What's best for ME??? Not just in my tainted marriage, but also professionally, socially... do I want to change my career? Would I be happier? Would I be happier if I moved? My counselors think this is a huge step because I'm focusing on myself now instead of my husband. His problems are his problems - not mine. At the start of this thread (when I first posted), I was afraid of my world crumbling to the ground. I thought it had. Today, November 13, I feel like I'm not afraid to be alone anymore. I will survive through this. I haven't been able to deal with my family yet (i.e. talking to them about this) but in time, I will. I will be stronger. Positive steps, right???


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Amazing steps!


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

That sounds promising. So what do you think is best for you?


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Been in very similar shoes as you. It sucks. Distance and time will help you, but the magnitude of his betrayal is huge.

I am guessing that he is a sex addict and really good at concealing his activities and lying. This is a major problem and one that won't be fixed easily, if at all, and only if he is truly remorseful and has hit rock bottom and chosen to climb back up. This will be a very tough road for you, if you stay. Do not trust him because his lies are massive. How invested are you in this relationship? Time to ask yourself some hard questions about whether or not you can be with someone like this. Most people would walk permanently away.

Step away to take care of yourself, st least for a while.

So sorry you're in this mess. Spend some time with your family. Get yourself into counseling. Take care of you.


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## momma2four (Aug 9, 2012)

The trust is gone, and I don't think you can ever get it back. You are always going to be looking over your shoulder wondering what he is doing when he is not with you. 

No kids together and you are still young, go find someone that will love you and only you!


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## Love2326 (Oct 31, 2012)

I know you're both right.. .i've come to the realization that I need one thing in order to figure this out: TIME. Time to clear my head, time to figure out my life, time to make changes, time to readjust my hopes and dreams that he ruined. Its difficult, but doable. I hope.


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## forevermemorable (Oct 19, 2012)

I am so glad that you are still on here replying. My encouragement to you is don't look at the circumstances, but rather what the Lord is doing in your life and his life. You have come to know who the Lord is...His forgiveness and redemption. We all have sinned and fall short of His glory and standards. Sin is sin! This world views sin differently than how God views it. We put sins in catagories and judge people accordingly. God is not concerned with catagories. God is all about forgiveness and just as He has forgiven us of our sins, we ought to be doing the same for those who have wrong us.

I know this is a battle the wages in your life daily. Because you have an advesary who wants you to focus on hate, bitterness, and a lack of forgiveness. Forgiveness means that you are not going to hold it to the person whom wrong you. Just like God does not hold our sins against us.

Your hope is NOT in yourself, your self-will, your strength, your efforts, etc. You will never accomplish a true and sincere hope and peace by your own ability. Your hope is in the Lord and His work in and through your life. Your hope lies in nothing less, then Jesus Christ and His righteousness. On Christ the solid Rock you can and will stand, because all other ground is sinking sand. No Jesus, no peace! Know Jesus, know peace.

Playing victim will make you angry, depressed, sad, and hopeless. Does this mean you are not a victim? Of course not. You most certaintily are a victim, but how you choose to forgive and see what the Lord has instore for you is what will determine the course of the rest of your life. Let me explain...you are at a very crux in life...very crucial. What your husband did I am assuming is the worse hurt that anyone has done against you. That hurt needs healing. People handled in many different ways, but truly the most peace, joyful, and hopeful way of handling it is by casting all of your cares, anxieties, frustrations, hurts, sorrows, etc. upon the Lord. He tells us to in 1 Peter 5:7 and Philippians 4:6-7 and many other places throughout the Bible. Only the Lord will enable you to overcome this hurt. However, on the flip side, if you choose to hold onto this hurt and remain a victim rather than being victorious or an overcomer, then you will go throughout the rest of your life skittish, skeptical, cynical, fearful, distrusting, etc. etc.

You are at a crossroads in life and the path you take will determine your very character for the rest of your life. A path of joy, hope, and peace or a path of sorrow, depression, hopelessness.

I know of your husband's true conversion of his former self, just as much as I know of your conversion and how the Lord met you in a real way. Hold onto that revelation of God, but know this, you have an adversary, called the devil, who walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour (1 Peter 5:8). That is why you need to be sober, vigilant, and on the alert at all times. The devil will NEVER take a day off and leave you alone. The devil comes to rob, kill, and destroy. He is a liar and a condemner. He will give you fear and still your joy and hope.

See what the Lord is doing in your life and in your husband's life and continue to put your trust and faith in a God who has saved you, delivered you, redeemed you. He loves you and has a plan and purpose for your life, which is not for evil and harm, but to give you a future and a hope.


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

V789, I truly feel for you. The short amount of time you have been married coupled with his behavior should tell you what to do next. For your health, forgiving is good, but you will never forget. You are seasoned but not old. You still have the ability to find someone worthy of your love. This person is not. I'm not in your shoes but, I understand the myriad of emotions that you are feeling.

Getting back to you, what makes you happy, having a supportive family and anything else I may have neglected to say, is key for your recovery. A good support team is what you need. BTW him looking to be born again does not absolve him from his sins, it's just cop out. I personally get bent out of shape when someone mentions that as a way to help him cope, as if that would get past a professional like yourself. Best of luck to you, you will receive a lot of sage advice from the people on this forum.


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## Love2326 (Oct 31, 2012)

I think its good that he's "found God" again and he's now very devoted, but I have to be honest, I lose it when he tells me he is "on God's path now" because that simply doesn't help his sex addiction problem. Take religion out of it for a second: he has an addiction, which needs clinical attention. If he can't acknowlege that, then i can't deal with him as my H. 
I have told him that I will not negotiate on this point: he MUST go to a weekly sex addiction therapy group, along with his individual counselor. He can choose to not go to the group, but it will cost him a marriage. I won't cave on this. 

It's been 4.5 months since Dday. As time goes on, I find that I am able to stand up for myself a lot more now. Being separated has helped. I am demanding transparancy of him and if he doesn't give it to me, I'm out. I am fully prepared for him to screw up again and I am not afraid of divorce anymore. He is having to walk on very thin ice around me and he has to be very cautious not to break any of my rules. If I find out he has broken them (like getting back on a sex forum, or looking at porn online, or contacting any of his prostitutes, or female sex partners or even his male friends who also cheat on their wives), I'm simply done. Never looking back. I tell him that all the time. He knows the consequences. 

So far, he's done every single ridiculous thing I've asked him to do and he doesn't even question why I ask him to do these ridiculous things. He just does it. He even told his mother (who is in denial about his deviant behavior and refuses to admit he did it) that he would choose me over her any day of the week. I demand transparancy and will accept no less.

I'm rambling, but long story short, if religion helps him, that's great. It has helped me... to have faith and to be able to trust that there is a reason this happened, even if I don't understand it. At least I can learn from it and it didn't go on for 20 years. I found out early and there are no children stuck in the middle of this. I'm at least thankful for that. This forum has helped a lot. Thank you to everyone for the encouragement!


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

Forgiveness is a conscious decision, and one that it sounds like you have made. That being said, I agree that you should cut your losses and find someone worthy of your love. 

If you try to R, I think you need to bring your families together and say that they either accept the relationship, or they lose you. The last thing you need is another driving wedge in your relationship. 

I still vote leave. He sounds like an entitled pig to me (sorry!)


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

V789. You are without a question in a fight that will go on for quite some time. Facing an addiction and infidelity is not for the weak. I admire you for your grit. I like your style, making him do ridiculous things (your words). The penitent man should kneel before you and prove that he is worthy of your love and trust.

Your SO has an uphill struggle on his hands, with heavy, heavy lifting involved. I agree with (Pepper) everyone should be involved and offer support when it is needed. Many hands make light work.

Have you thought about taking some time off from work to alleviate the some of the burden, so you can take care of self. Exercising, eating right, meditation etc... I found that exercising was an integral part of my day to day operations so to speak. It took my mind off of mind movies and helped me cope with anxiety and stress.

Obviously being intimate with this person is out for now, so having that release is no longer a useful and nice outlet.

I know that running and throwing around the iron, helped me physically and mentally. For my own back patting comment, I got ripped like I was 21 again and have maintained that to date. I received quite a few smiles and turned a lot of female heads (nice ego boost). I was asked out for coffee a few times where I work. 

I declined, no need for complications while my divorce was in play. Needless to say, I liked the positive attention. That was a nice side effect btw. I hope everything works out for you. Good things should happen to/for good people.


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## Love2326 (Oct 31, 2012)

Update: I filed for divorce and I am done with him. He is deliberately testing me and cannot keep up with the simple restrictions I set. I told him not to communicate with certain enabling friends and he openly told me... TOLD..not ask.. That he was going out with them last night. Well, that was honestly my last straw. I set very clear boundaries and he's stepping all over them and I won't have it. He didn't even give any thought to how would his actions make ME feel. He just went out last night. Same problem throughout: Very selfish. Its clear he can't think about anyone but himself. 

So it's over for me. At least I won't look back and wonder if I tried hard enough. I sure did. I gave him a chance, which most people wouldn't do after this much betrayal, and he didn't take that chance. im a little sad to let go but he honestly didn't leave me with any choice. It's living a life of misery with a WH who disrespects me, or start over with someone new. 

Thank you everyone for all your insightful comments and thoughts.it has really helped me through this difficult time. Still have more healing to go though....


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Good for you, you tried more than anyone should have to, and you can walk away with no doubt you are making the right choice. Focus on yourself, get healthy mentally and physically, and move into the future with confidence. 
Good luck!


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## boogie110 (Aug 3, 2012)

Victim789 said:


> Update: I filed for divorce and I am done with him. He is deliberately testing me and cannot keep up with the simple restrictions I set. I told him not to communicate with certain enabling friends and he openly told me... TOLD..not ask.. That he was going out with them last night. Well, that was honestly my last straw. I set very clear boundaries and he's stepping all over them and I won't have it. He didn't even give any thought to how would his actions make ME feel. He just went out last night. Same problem throughout: Very selfish. Its clear he can't think about anyone but himself.
> 
> So it's over for me. At least I won't look back and wonder if I tried hard enough. I sure did. I gave him a chance, which most people wouldn't do after this much betrayal, and he didn't take that chance. im a little sad to let go but he honestly didn't leave me with any choice. It's living a life of misery with a WH who disrespects me, or start over with someone new.
> 
> Thank you everyone for all your insightful comments and thoughts.it has really helped me through this difficult time. Still have more healing to go though....


I'm so sorry and am happy for you now also. You are such a smart woman - you took care of yourself. As for your husband, he was stupid, as you posted earlier, for his betrayals and not for his work or for his complaining. Doing a job for so many people, me included, does numb or hurt the brain if you hate the job. You probably love your job, so you are very fortunate that you chose wisely early in life.

Your WS should have gone to a sex addict meeting everyday for the first 90 days after D-Day - that should have been obvious even without someone suggesting it. Then he should have gone to counseling 2 times a week with a sex addict therapist immediately after D-Day - NY should have tons by now. Then he should have worried about church - to accept God so thoroughly immediately without the others sounds convenient to me - not impossible, but God should come with the other 2 steps. After the 90 days then it should have been obvious that he go to 3 twelve steps per week, plus once a week counseling, then also church once to twice a week. HE SHOULD NOT EVER GO OUT WITH ANY FRIENDS DURING YOUR MARRIAGE WITHOUT YOU!!! That was his choice when he did what he did and got found out. The fact that he did go out with friends, whether you are living together or not, is just so foolish and anti-twelve step. Meaning, he is still new to 12 steps and he should be working the program and going to meetings and not worrying about partying, which I assume, going out with friends you told him not to go out with do.

My sex addict does everything he is supposed to do NOW. Great. Thanks. But we have a toddler. I have no choice now and he is doing all the above I mentioned - not church cuz I am not a believer sad to admit, so he will go if I go and would love to but I don't want to right now. Good luck, but I don't think you need it. You are doing it all correctly as far as I see it, if that matters...:smthumbup:


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## forevermemorable (Oct 19, 2012)

I have been away for a couple of months. My oh my, a lot has transpired since last I wrote. There is a saying that has a lot of merit to it, "Expectations are future resentments." My dear lady, your expectations/demands with your husband is killing you. I am not talking about all demands. I agree that your husband needs to be accountable to you about going online, chatting, talking with ladies on the phone, etc. But it sounds like you have tied a noose around your husband's neck, ready to release the trap door at the first sight or sound of trouble or insecurity. That is not a relationship. That is not what God would have you do...I assure you of it.

Yes, I totally understand about a trust that has to be regained and I understand that you have been hurt deeply...and you right to be hurt, but there is a Father out there who loves you and wants to restore you, make your joy full, and to give you a peace that surpasses all understanding or wisdom...far greater than my own or anyone else for that matter.

God does not want you to call the shots or figure out what it is that He is doing, trying to do, or will do. It is our job to get out of His way and let Him be God...to let Him rule and reign over your self will, your self way of thinking, your desires, your wants, everything! You need to put the reigns down and let God steer your wagon. There is so much the Lord wants to do in and through you, but you keep hindering Him from doing the work in which He wants to accomplish in you and your husband's life. You are not your husband's savior, just as much as he is not yours. You have a Savior and He wants to do wonderful, magnificent, glorious, joyful things in and through your life. You need to let go my dear child. "But I already have" you might say. I believe that and you have spoken clear about putting your trust and faith into God, but this does not mean everything is going to be a smooth sail from here on out. This does not mean that trust and faith that was put into God is a one time deal. You need to continue to trust in Him with all of your heart and not lean on your own understanding, but in "all" your ways to acknowledge Him and He will direct your path (Proverbs 3:5-6).

You are not going to find the answers in which you seek by listening to foolish counsel and even the words I write hold little merit. It is the Lord who speaks clearly in that still small voice and is trying to direct you to the course which He has for you...and that course is not one that is built on resentment, anger, bitterness, hate, grudges, etc. etc. Don't give the enemy a place in your head to destroy who you are in Christ.

You are so beautiful and the Lord looks down upon you with delight, gladness, and love. What can wash away my sins? Nothing but the blood of Jesus. What can make me whole again? Nothing but the blood of Jesus. Jesus wants to make you whole again and I know He is not complete with you or finishing shaping you and molding you to Him image. Yes, you have taken the chisel out of the Sculptor's hand and you have started forming yourself in the way you see fit. Its time to put the chisel down. Or better yet, surrender the chisel over to the Creator and allow Him to begin where He left off. There is so much more He has instore for you and it is not to live a life of fear, resentment, hate, and hurt. Let the Lord continue healing you, shaping you, restoring unto you the joy of your salvation and renew a right spirit within you.

You can do all things through Christ who gives you the strength to (Philippians 4:13). Me strong in the strength of His might. Grow in the grace and knowledge of your Lord and Savior...GROW!


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

The only person that did anything to her husband was her husband. He has free will, full knowledge of what he was doing wrong, what victim needed to see, and he CHOSE to continue his betrayal. The failure is his, all his, and has nothing what so ever to do with victim789, her faith, or her convictions.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Perhaps it is the Lord's Will for this man to be out of her life. Who are we to question? Good luck Victim, don't second guess yourself, you have gone above and beyond your obligations as a wife. Only you know what is best for you and what God directs of you. Continue taking care of yourself.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

forevermemorable said:


> My dear lady, your expectations/demands with your husband is killing you. I am not talking about all demands. I agree that your husband needs to be accountable to you about going online, chatting, talking with ladies on the phone, etc. But it sounds like you have tied a noose around your husband's neck, ready to release the trap door at the first sight or sound of trouble or insecurity. That is not a relationship. That is not what God would have you do...I assure you of it.


Right. Because GOD wants her to be submissive to him and let him dictate her entire life and stay home while he lives a single life and treats her like dirt and insults her and makes her cry. Yeah, she's supposed to shut up and let him do that because she's the woman and he's the man. That's what GOD wants.


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