# possible divorce



## used2be (May 1, 2012)

me and my wife of 9 yrs have been fighting alot latey because i confessed some issues i had with our relationship ex. Her low self esteem, not working, no ged, i dont feel loved, she never iniates sex, i cant even iniate sex, sex is always scheduled, she wants to sell the house and move into a apt., confessed that sex isnt what it used to be and that i have been looking at internet porn which she doesnt like, told her to get herself together and she started by talking to a family member who years ago almost cost us our relationship, we have no kids and that weights heavy on both of us. Am i right to walk away, she says i dont listen and that everything, all disicions our up to me and i never include her in them or when i change my mind on something.
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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

No you are not right to walk away. There is no adultery right? They why would you walk away from the woman you married? Do you think you can do better or the grass is greener on the other side of the fence? You work on you and stop having high expectations of your spouse. Having said that though, she does need to get a GED and since you have no kids, she needs a job. No need for you to provide private welfare to a grown adult. If you don't change this dynamic and you D, get ready for HIGH spousal support for a LONG time. Try MC first.


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## used2be (May 1, 2012)

so a lil more on the situation she was talking on the, with her sister, last night while i was just across the room from her and she was telling her sister how i make her sick, she doesn't know who i am anymore, how she cant eff me enough to make me happy, she wants to leave but has no where to go even though her parents live across town, how we have such different views and can never see eye to eye on anything. Me im tired of the complaining, i work and she doesnt, she thinks i should sell the house and we should move into a apartment, i dont see how that would make things better, her self esteem issues have become my problem along with hers, she doesnt see me as a man, everything i do, i could do better, im not attracted to her anymore, sex is out of pity anymore.
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## muttgirl (Mar 23, 2012)

Women dont want sex with someone they have a lot of resentment with. Do you put her down all the time? Do you tell her you hate the relationship or the way she treats you? Do you not involve her in decisions or expenses and make her feel left out? Is she telling you to sell the house because of money problems? Do you ignore her because she doesnt have a GED or a job or hasnt given you children? At the least you need to treat her and what see says with respect because you chose her to love and marry. You would be surprised what positive compliments and behavior might do for her low self esteem-- criticism does not fix it. Treat her like a loved spouse and an involved partner and you might just get that and sex too.


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## geek down (May 10, 2012)

used2be said:


> so a lil more on the situation she was talking on the, with her sister, last night while i was just across the room from her and she was telling her sister how i make her sick, she doesn't know who i am anymore, how she cant eff me enough to make me happy, she wants to leave but has no where to go even though her parents live across town, how we have such different views and can never see eye to eye on anything. Me im tired of the complaining, i work and she doesnt, she thinks i should sell the house and we should move into a apartment, i dont see how that would make things better, her self esteem issues have become my problem along with hers, she doesnt see me as a man, everything i do, i could do better, im not attracted to her anymore, sex is out of pity anymore.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This rings a bell to me.. My STBXW allowed her family to come between us on almost every major decision we had to make as a couple.. It started to eat away at our relationship and at the end, I couldn't even be in the same bed with her. When you enter a marriage, both people must understand that outside people should not be put into the middle of all your life's choices..But some people cannot do that.


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## newrules (Jun 2, 2012)

used2be, I have been married for 9 years and I feel like we all go through cycles in a relationship. You both have to decide if you want the relationship to work. Work is the key word here. Trust me I know it's not easy when you have someone that seems unwilling. She complains in front of you because she is trying to get your attention. Maybe in the past you two had a dynamic of this communication style and you responded. You have to be less accomadating, focus on you. Encourage her to do better for herself concerning the ged. The fact is you married her without one so you have already seemingly accepted it. It sounds like she feels she doesn't deserve you and that is her hang up, not yours. I am a wife who has had disconnection issues with my husband. It is hard when you are disconnected. Sex can feel tortured for a woman even if she is apart of the problem. You both have to talk and put it all out on the table even if the honesty stings.


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## cocovas09 (Jun 3, 2012)

when my hubs watches porn it upsets me too. i can sympathize with her... you mentioned she already has self esteem issues.. i imagine that doesnt help. have you tried being a more supportive husband about the GED and job thing? help her research these things... yes they are things she can do on her own.. but she hasnt.. maybe she needs a gentle push from you.. and by that i dont mean make her feel like crap about it. 

she's quite vulnerable with no education and no job and having to depend on you for everything. i'm sure she just said the comment about you in bed as a defensive move. its hard to accept your faults. i think if you treat her better.. she'll treat you better. if you love her dont give up just yet. help her be the person and the wife you know she can be.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

I would try marriage counseling first. It sounds like neither of you have any respect for the other. I'd at least have to give it one more try. I'd want to walk away knowing that I tried to do the right thing. If she won't go to counseling with you, go alone. Get straight with yourself about what you want, and why you aren't getting what you need from this marriage. 

I wouldn't sell the house tho. Talk to an attorney ASAP. Know what you are doing before you jump on that road. If it comes to that, and you tell her that you want a divorce, you should be educated ahead of time so that you know what you are talking about. 

If you talk to her about counseling, or about the direction that this relationship is headed... I'd tell her that if things continue like this then we are headed for divorce but if we want this relationship to work, then we both have to be on board to make changes. 

You can't change her. You can't MAKE her want to get with your game plan. You can do your part to be a good man, improve yourself where you can, educate yourself about your options... and figure out how to improve your life. Hopefully she will wake up and join you. I guess it depends on how much time you are willing to put into it.


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