# Is this something to divorce over?



## Mom2DecBoyz (Dec 23, 2010)

Does anyone else not have a thing in common with their spouse anymore?

We've been married for 10yrs and I don't think we had much in common before, but lately it's been horribly obvious. We don't like the same tv shows, activities, books, we don't even like to talk about the same things. Honestly, there is NOTHING we have in common but our kids.

I do love him and wish it could work, but I'm starting to have serious doubts. I'm only 41 and keep thinking about the next 20-30 yrs with nothing to even talk about except our kids or what the next vacation might be.

Is it possible to keep a marriage going with this situation?? Any advice on what to do to fix the problem?


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## geo (Oct 29, 2010)

It sounds as though you are not giving up quite yet, so I am going to state the obvious. Find something to do together, it may be a little outside your interest but you never know, many things are enjoyable once you try it. It might help to make lists yours /his of things you like to do as well as things that you would like to do you might find some commonality or maybe try to do something from both lists at what ever frequency you decide. I wish I would have done that in my situation but you know the saying, hindsight is 20/20..
good luck


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## sbbs (Sep 21, 2009)

What did the two of you have in common before you got married? (I know you said there wasn't much you had in common before, but were there things you both enjoyed or were interested in?) 

Did you and he both give up things you both loved to do when work got hard or the kids came along?

Maybe there's a way for you to revive those interests and go back to doing the things you both loved together.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

i think we all change in 5, or 10 years. we grow up, mature, and start thinking about tomorrow not just today.

we are all different people everyday. there is always something new being invented or improved upon.

find a new thing to do, go for coffee [starbucks dosent care if you being outside drinks or food] bring the laptop, and watch a movie together, find a forum together [my h and i do that] watch videos and bash on these no talent jokers.

just drive on the car together and talk about good old days, and how different life is from what you imagened, or how is all worked out.

buy a wii, those games are brutal. my h and i have our own nintendo ds and we play mario kart for hours, and trash talk [sometimes have real convos].

mall walk people watch then talk about them when you get home. just do something, if it dosent work out, then pick something else. there is a big wide world out there, and things for everyone.

did you update your music collection, those darn i pods are sooo tricky, it will give you countless hours just trying to get it to do what you said..


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## Mom2DecBoyz (Dec 23, 2010)

No, you are right, I'm not really ready to give up and I don't think he is either. But over the last 5yrs we have tried to find things we both like but they are never things that we both actually like (one of us ends up faking it) and so it doesn't last. We are just completely different - he's a total artsy person (art major in college) and does wierd art, not pretty art like controversial things. Me, well I'm just a total normal person that can see outside the box, but just doesn't really care to talk about wierd or controversal issues.

I like coffee, he doesn't, he likes music, I don't. Any tv show that we both end up liking, and there is usually only 1 maybe 2, they cancel or the season ends then we have like 6 months till it comes back on. He just doesn't like to talk much, I do and I can tell he strains trying to listen to all my things that he sees as irrelevent or unimportant. We've even tried bowling (which we never did together before LOL).

I do think we might like a Wii, but can't afford it now.

Before we liked to travel and scuba dive, but now we live in VA where there is no ocean and don't have any money to travel because I'm in graduate school. We are hoping to have some money in the next 2 years, but that's a long time.


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

Well, you do have your children in common. What are you doing for family time? Playing board games, going to the park, short day trips, etc.. are ways you can stay connected to your husband through them. 

Also, have you both been pursuing romance? He's artsy, ask him to paint you - literally! The brush strokes will feel good/relaxing for you and he'll have a creative outlet. 

What else can you think of that might merge your interests with his? For example, he likes music, you don't. But what about music might you like? The musicians biographies? The marketing of the music business? There must be something about it you could find that would be interesting for you and for him. Then, you can talk about that.


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## sbbs (Sep 21, 2009)

Do you both listen to the news?

You might also like playing games together--cards, Monopoly, Scrabble, chess, goh, or whatever else, with or without the kids. 

Even if you don't have the money for vacations or scuba diving--there are still some great places to go in VA. There are gorgeous places to hike year-round. How close to Washington DC are you? A trip to the Smithsonian, or somewhere else interesting in DC, might help you guys, too.

You said that you have less money nowadays, because you're in grad school. Do you think that the financial pinch may be making the divide between you and your husband bigger?

What are you studying, and is there any way to discuss that with your husband?


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## Mom2DecBoyz (Dec 23, 2010)

I do think the financial pinch is affecting us too, but we both also realize it's not forever and he's totally for me getting this degree. I'm getting my masters in special ed to be a teacher, my undergrad and 1st career are in something totally different so I have to get this degree to get my lisence. He's totally on board so that I can have the same schedule as the boys.

We don't live near anything exciting in Va such as DC, it's a more rural area so not much to do. I dont think he'd play board games with me, he huffs and puffs anytime I want him to do it with all of us (even tho he has fun once it starts).

HappyHer, are you saying have him paint a pic of me or ACTUALLY paint my body with paint? LOL. That does sound very fun and something we'd both like, however he is having prostrate issues and we can't have sex so that'll have to wait a few more weeks. Thanks for the idea tho!


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

So you make the marriage and the kids what you have in common. Just exploring new things together is a common experience, for example, even if both or only one of you ends up liking it. 

Have you tried working out together? That can also spice up your sex life. And how about sexual experimentation? A great thing to have "in common" 

Lots of ideas here. Having common interests isn't important if you connect as parents and lovers. But you must make a point of doing that--connecting then--or you will lose all connection. Don't let your individual interests over-ride family time and couple time. Use the couple time to find out what each of you is doing/enjoying during "me" time. Practice asking each other questions about one another's activities--you don't have to enjoy his activity, but hopefully you enjoy hearing how he enjoys it (if he's returning the interest) just b/c it is him. You focus on what they say, how they look as they describe their day, etc., rather than trying to take a huge interest in what he actually "did." It's an "I'm so glad he enjoys that so much" approach. Again, he needs to do the same. 

Also, you can turn budget making/investing into a shared interest in the family's future, and then you are also on the same page about finances and they can build ties, too. Good luck!


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Ah, he's one of those, "I don't like that. . . oh, I guess I do!" types. Let him know that family time/game time, walk time, etc., is not negotiable-it's something you owe your kids (haha, how's he supposed to argue with that?) A lot of people resist as a "natural reaction," so just ignore and get started. Again, if it is about time with your kids, his resistance is his problem--is he going to resent the kids for it? Nope; he'll be glad you got him involved.


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## justme86 (Dec 3, 2010)

Have you guys tried counceling about this? i think i would try that before i considered divorce.


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## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

Common interests are important. I think it is time for open dialogue on the issue and creating common interests is not out of the realm of possibility. You can create a common ground together.


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## akcroy (Dec 23, 2010)

Talk to your husband about your feelings. Get him to understand that you're feeling alienated, and work towards having a common activity. Hobbies? Video games? Even the occasional weekend dine-outs can work wonders. Try something crazy, go to Mexico, rediscover yourself and your partner!


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Mom2DecBoyz said:


> however he is having prostrate issues and we can't have sex so that'll have to wait a few more weeks.


If you were having an active sex life would you care nearly as much about the "nothing in common" issue?


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