# Feeling used and confused!!!!



## rufio25 (Jun 20, 2010)

To start I am not really considering divorce or separation however things in my marriage are not positive.

Let me give you an overview of my relationship past and present. My wife and I have been together for around 15 years however married for 6. We met when we were in high school and had a very bumpy, on and off, relationship all the way through high school. I was not the greatest man towards her as I was young and stupid. I cheated on her, did not show express or show my love towards her or made her my main priority. My selfishness really affected my relationship and her feelings towards me. Even though I had all these faults she stayed by my side. When we turned 18 we had our first child together. A few years later my wife was fed up and fell out of love with me. Of course because of our troubled past she left me with her having no emotional attachment with me. However after being seperated for around 6 months she expressed how she wanted to get back together. However she still was not crazy about me like she once was but wanted me to be patient as she felt confident those feelings would change overtime. I vowed to change as a man and her partner because our relationship meant so much to me.

In 2004 we got married and had our second child. During the past 10 years of our relationship I have been fully faithful to my wife. I have had almost no interaction with any other females and have been totally dedicated to our family. 3 years ago we had our third child together. The last ten years have not been smooth sailing. We still had our issues within our marriage and relationship. Problems ranging from sexual interaction, financial problems, stress from our jobs and kids, arguing over issues (majority stupid) have put a strain on our marriage. 

In January of this year my wife sent me an email detailing on how her feelings towards me have changed and that she no longer was in love with me. However she did stress how she did not want to seperate or get a divorce because she wanted to make things work. Just like what happened 10 years ago when we seperated for a period of time she expressed how she wanted me to be patient with her regarding her feelings because she felt there had been damage done to our marriage overtime and it is going to take time to heal. It is now June and we had a discussion on how things are going. She stated that things are better however her feelings have not changed much. During our discussion I asked her how she felt about me moving out; her response was somewhat surprising. She got on the defensive stating " you say you love me and our family but you want to leave, that's selfish ". I expressed my feelings about the situation so she understood where I was coming from. My wife did say that she did not want me to leave and she did not want to lose me. However she does not love me right now so what could the reasonings be for me not to leave. Is it because of our current financial situation, the kids or is it that she needs my help around the house. If none of the reasons have nothing to do with her loving me then that makes me feel like I'm being used and extremely selfish on her part.

Please understand I love my wife with all my heart and want to make things better. However being in a loveless marriage is stressing me out and I feel is very unhealthy. I have been patient in this process but for how much longer.

I would love to get other peoples advice and feelings on my situation. Please let it be known. Thank you.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

You say you love your wife but she's not in love with you, so you are in a loveless marriage? It's nice that you confess you love her, but you don't seem to understand what love is and that it is not all about you. I think it's time you think about your wife for once. You say you have been patient but patient for what? For her to fall back in love with you just because you breathe? You have to work at earning back her love and affection. You have to work at building a strong and loving marriage. You have never had to work at any of that before. She handed you her heart on a silver platter and devoted her life to you while you abused her love and trust in the beginning. And then, there is no telling what you have been doing or not doing over the past 10 years to destroy her love and trust again. You think you are being patient but it sounds to me you have spent your entire relationship being rather selfish. Finally, she expresses her feelings to you and the first thing you think about is abandoning your family. Then the second thing you think about is she must be using you. Your wife??? Is using you??? Are your children using you too? See what I mean? You have never had to work at anything, and making any kind of effort does not even enter your mind.

Just so you know since it obviously has not occurred to you, her saying she is not in love with you does not mean she doesn't love you. It means she is tired of the way you treat her or whatever it is you have been doing or not doing that made her fall out of love with you. That she does love you and is devoted to you is the reason she doesn't want you to leave. I am woefully sorry I or any stranger had to tell you that. I hope you will learn to listen to your wife and stop being so selfish.

Well, you didn't ask for anything like this, but just in case you decide your wife and children are worth crooking your finger for, here is help. This book will teach you how to love your wife. It will also help you win back your wife's love and rekindle the romance. And I urge you both to get marriage counseling.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Another great book, a VITAL book for you both to read, is His Needs Her Needs. It will explain what's going on with you two in a nutshell. VERY logical.

I see no reason for either of you to leave. Unless one of you is lying and is secretly hiding feelings for some other person, you're just in a rut and need to learn how to treat each other better. HNHN will teach you how.

Also, you can go to marriagebuilders.com and print out the Love Buster and Emotional Needs questionnaires, two copies each. Both of you should fill out the LB one, and swap. Once you know what YOU do that upsets her, make a concerted effort to stop ALL LBs, for a good solid 3 months; ask her to do the same. You'll see a TON of stress fall off your marriage. LBs can be a simple as not being considerate of her and leaving the toilet seat up or as complex as changing jobs without talking to her first. Remember, her feelings are her feelings - they are just as valid as yours. Go into this with the understanding that you each have the right to feel how you feel, and work TOGETHER to reach a happy place.

Once you've both worked on the LBs for a few months, say through the end of summer, then sit down and fill out the EN questionnaire and swap. It will tell you what her top 5 ENs are. Once you know them, you need to make SURE that you are always the only person meeting those needs (within reason). For example, many women cite conversation as a top need; if you come home from work and talk only about yourself or your work or logistics of the kids, she has no outlet to talk to you on an emotional level; guess what's going to happen? She'll run into someone else, who WILL listen to her, and she'll be so desperate for someone to talk to that she won't be able to resist him.

Again, it's a two-way street. If you can do this together, you'll be happier than ever.


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## rufio25 (Jun 20, 2010)

Thank you everyone for your responses!!!! Just to give you an update my wife and I had a talk last night about our relationship. She stated that she still loves me but is not feel that romantic connection to me anymore. She brought up that if could be many reasons why she is feeling this why. Over the past two years her energy level has been low, she has had trouble sleeping. There are many days that she is feeling fatigued and tired. My wife does take medication for anxiety and has been for the past couple of years. Also my wife has not been satisfied with her physical appearance as she has gained weight. I am sure there are factors involving me that have not helped however this is the first time she has told me that perhaps it is more than just me that is affecting the intimacy issues. I suggested to her that we should seek counseling and she was fine with that. Again she stressed to me that she does not want me to leave or lose me. What are everyone's thoughts on this? Thanks.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

First, I would recommend that you find a way to spend 15 hours a week together, doing things just for the two of you. In other words, rekindle your feelings, like when you were dating. I have a list of ideas I give out; maybe you can apply some of them. 

Also, I recommend finding ways for the two of you to exercise together. It's fun, it's good for you, and it will help her lose the weight; once she does, she'll feel better about thinking of you in a romantic way (trust me). We just got my husband a puppy, and he's exercised more in the last month than in the last 10 years. 

Ideas:
Read a book together
Take turns picking out a movie to watch
Bring out the board games, at least once a week
Start a solitaire club with some neighbors or friends, play solitaire against each other one night a week or month
Start gardening together
Grow herbs/vegetables/fruits
Take walks
Start a sport together; take classes at a community college, such as racquetball or volleyball
Get bikes and start riding bikes together
Sign up for an MS 150 and train for the bike ride all year
Plan some day trips, start taking one every month
Try out one new restaurant every week, take turns choosing and surprising the other with it
Go to bookstore and get a book like “52 great invitations to sex” in which you both have 26 invitations for a special evening to invite the other one, and you set it up, give the other the invitation (included in book) and then put on the evening
Join an online gaming community together (but don’t get addicted!)
Buy a Wii or Guitar Hero and play together
Give each other foot rubs
Take massage class together and practice giving each other massages
Go back to school together
Get a pet, take it to obedience school and learn to train it (if applicable)
Join a neighborhood dinner club or other club
Volunteer together
Join a church or get more involved in your church
Take a cooking class together and take turns cooking for each other
Go to HGTV.com and pick out a project to do for your house together
Take free classes at Home Depot on how to fix something at your house
Start a business together
Organize a block party
Organize a family reunion
Start working with a financial planner or learn about stocks together
Take dancing lessons together; if you like it, start entering in competitions
Go online for your city and look up 'activities' and 'family' and maybe even 'free' if your city is big enough; subscribe to those websites and go there every month to look for upcoming activities you can all do together; you can find plays, music events, art things, sports things, picnics, etc.


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

Please let us know when your wife falls back in love with you. I'm waiting for the first one to ever do so. Maybe it will be you.


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## couplestransformations (Jun 3, 2009)

You have received some really good ideas already and since we agree with much of the advice you're received, it doesn't bear repeating. However, we do have one important additional idea to add to the discussion. 

Rather than focusing on yourself, we'd suggest that you imagine what it's been like for your wife over the past 15 years having to deal with all of the negative, disrespectful behaviors you've described that you've done to her. To help you understand the situation from her experience, that is, how she's had to deal with it emotionally, imagine that the situation was reversed--that she had done to you what you've done to her. How hurt, angry, depressed, sad, depressed, diminished, lonely, devalued, uncertain, hopeless, unloved, unappreciated, joyless, afraid, distrustful, disappointed, discouraged, embarrassed, hopeless, helpless, inadequate, fearful, humiliated, betrayed, and rejected would you feel if she had done what you've done to her? What would you need from her to make you believe that she truly loved you--that she was sincerely and deeply remorseful for what she had done to you, and what specific things would she need to do to help you begin to heal and to create a more loving connection? 

If it's not too late to turns things around, It is absolutely essential that you allow yourself to feel the depth of the emotional pain, hurt, and suffering you've put your wife through over these past 15 years. We mean, really going into the breath and depths of her pain to feel and truly understand it. We're not talking about a typical passive response void of any real emotional feeling. It's only when she feels that you really understand the depths of her pain, that you make a commitment from everything within you that you will never again hurt her that way again, that the new way(s) you relate to her is an expression of your new commitment to truly give her the love, affection, attention, and appreciation that she deserves, and that you express these new behaviors to her consistently over time, that healing can begin and the foundation for a new relationship can be built. In addition, we would strongly recommend that both of you get some individual as well as some couples therapy. Our sincere best wishes to you.


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