# afraid of becoming yet another statistic



## willieT (Oct 27, 2015)

ok here is my story:

several yrs ago my wife died of cancer, leaving me alone to raise a 2 yr old child by myself. thankfully, i received more help than you can imagine from family and close friends. since the day of my wife's death, while i have struggled on occasion, i have wanted for very little--all, or nearly all, of my financial needs have been met (at the time of her death, i was still a student, working on my phd).

i eventually became a teacher at a junior college, and then later at a high school. i was able to provide for my child, and we lived in a fairly secure environment. things were ok--but, as you may imagine, the loss of my soul-mate gave me many lonely nights; depression often overtook me out of nowhere--even years after he death, i would be (say) driving down the road and i would burst into tears at the thought of her, esp. during the month of her death's anniversary.

i began dating about a yr or so after my wife's death. just to relate how pathetic i was, i recall clearly this absolutely gorgeous young lady who, in a fit of passion for me (and, trust me, i still have a hard time understanding how she could show such passion for me! me...me of all people) took off all of her clothes and told me how much she wanted me. nothing happened ... i was so uncomfortable with the situation that i ended up giving her a massage ... and, as you might expect, i never saw her after that night ... go figure :|

i did end up having a few semi-serious relationships within a few yrs of dating. most of the women i dated called it off after a few months of seeing me, realizing that i just wasn't going to commit to them. one woman in particular, i recall, told me she loved within just a few weeks of dating. i could do nothing but stare at the ceiling as we lay in bed together. 

after one relationship i clearly remember thinking that i could be content to just be a single parent and live out the rest of my life with the satisfaction that i did find true love--which seems to be rare in this world--and that, as one friend told me, i can always say that, when i buried my true love, i walked away with no regrets (again, this seems rare). worse things can happen to a person!

but then i met (we will call her) jan. jan is a beautiful blonde, tall, slender, and wonderful with children. she comes from a very conservative and strict background--one the one hand it's not so good, since she can be overly judgmental, quick tempered, and extremely naive about much of the world (from sex to cultural literacy--i mean, her taste in music was very narrow). on the other hand, she seemed to be aware of her narrow upbringing and wanted to explore areas she wasn't familiar with. while we dated she seemed so interested in me as a person. and she loved learning about new music, movies she never saw as a child (or an adult); and her eagerness to learn more about sexual pleasure blew my mind in the sack.

there were three red flags that i saw within a few months of dating her--but each of these were easily answered (by good reason or blindness, i honestly don't know). first, jan manifested a quick temper on one or two occasions. both times i stood up to her, insisting that, just as i have never raised my voice to her she owes me the same respect. both times ended with profuse apologies from her--making me think that her temper was not indicative or her character. second, jan mentioned the fact that she was heavily in debt. now, i am in debt too--so, for me to think to much on this would make me a hypocrit, right? third, jan told me that i was the first person that ever made her feel normal. i first took this as a compliment; but then began to worry about her family background. now, in and of themselves, these are not deal breakers. and i also began to think that maybe my pushing the other women i dated away was nothing more than a defense mechanism--should i not love again? jan clearly came to love my child. she was lovely and smart and beautiful and i honestly fell in love with her. so after dating her for one year i proposed to her ... and within a few months we were married ... and it never dawned on me that i would have anything other than another wonderful marriage ...

the problems started within just a month or so after the honeymoon. our first big argument was over the bills. we had spent a lot of money on the honeymoon; and so we had only enough money to get us through the rest of the month by buying essentials. well, for me what's essential includes things like food and the mortgage. for her, what's essential includes things like her make-up. her make-up was expensive! so much so that it was either that or the mortgage. i literally spent a few hours arguing with my wife on how we're going to spend our money--on the mortgage or on her make-up! i couldn't believe it.

jan also insisted that we make home improvements, and so on two occasions we have literally moved out of our house for months at a time to make these improvements. this has not only increased my debt, but has also created arguments between us. for example, jan was convinced that the workers (during one of these renovations) tracked dog poop in the house. when i confronted the foreman about it, he pointed out that, while working underneath the house, they encountered cats living underneath the house. cat poop was everywhere. and the smell went up through the vents in the home. what we saw on the carpet was dirt, not poop; and as i put all of it together i was convinced the foreman was right. jan yelled at me like i've never been yelled at before ... falling just short of calling me a coward afraid of confrontations during her tirade. her i am, just a few months in this marriage, and i have (i) had my debt increased, (ii) had to move out of my house, (iii) been yelled at, and (iv) been told that make-up is more important than the mortgage!

about one yr after our marriage, jan's step-father inappropriately massaged my child. he massaged the child's inner thigh. jan admitted that, when she was younger, her mother voiced her concerns over the way the step-father massaged jan. jan insists that she was never molested or raped. and i believe her. and i have no reason to think that the step-dad went further than i have described with my own child. but, needless to say, i was furious ... and made (and still make) my anger clear to him, jan, and jan's mother. i rarely see the ******* anymore. but, as you may imagine--i have done everything in my power to make my child's life safe and secure, and her comes this *******, from inside my own family, to threaten that! i was tempted to have the marriage annulled right then ... but jan was so contrite and sorry and shared my anger so much that, well, i could find no fault in her (with the exception of not telling me more about her family).

i have now been married for six years--i have been married with jan longer than i even knew my late wife. i have had my own faults in this marriage. i am given to closing up when i should open up more. and i now have trust issues with jan--esp. when i comes to money.

jan had several surgeries on her back and knees a few yrs ago, and these conditions have kept from working full time. i can fault her for that! but the moment she became active again she began to spend money in the same manner she spent it when were both working. there were times when i went months without paying the mortgage because i would look into our account and the money would be virtually gone within a few days of my getting paid. we bounced a lot of checks during that time--because i would write checks for bills, while she wrote them for "whatever." i eventually split up our accounts in an attempt to stop the madness. she was furious, telling me that the problem was communication, not her spending habits.

jan resents me now because i split our accounts and i have refused to have a child with her. i told that she would get pregnant within a year of our marriage. but i didn't anticipate that our debt would quadruple, our credit would go south, and (most of all) we would get along so poorly.

i resent her because (i) she gets on to my child for very stupid reasons (my child can't stand jan), (ii) is a spend-thrift who thinks she's good with money, (iii) has mood swings that will test patience of job, (iv) hardly ever speaks to anyone around her without being condescending, and (v) now seems to show no interest in my whatsoever. all of my characteristics that once charmed her now piss her off. and i, who honestly possesses a very healthy sexual appetite--well, if i never have sex with her again it'll be too soon.

i have never raised my voice to her (at least, nothing like she's done to me); i have never hit her; and i have done all i can to make her comfortable and happy--but now that my savings have run out, it's starting to become impossible. i am in debt, broke, and miserable. and i cringe when my wife comes home, because i don't know what i am going to get!

i believe marriage is sacred. and, everything i have said notwithstanding, jan is a fundamentally good person. i am not sure my own unhappiness is a sufficient (moral) justification for my divorcing her. then again, i don't know if i can go on like this for much longer.

everything i have written i have said to her. when i do, she'll cry, apologize, and then "be cool" for several weeks. but, sooner or later, everything goes back to normal ... and that's not a good thing!

... i am sad and confused. i just don't know what to do but tap out of it!

if you've read this far, your advice is most welcome ... and greatly needed!

sincerely,

willieT


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

change comes a step at a time. the rages followed by apologies simply perpetuate the cycle. small steps. start with some budget management - outside help if necessary and that probably means living within your means. second, sounds like she needs some anger management professional counseling. perhaps you both need coume couples counseling. you sould like you want to work on the relationship but does she? or does she just want the destructive behaviors, mixed with apologies, to continue?


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## willieT (Oct 27, 2015)

maneo,

you ask really good questions, and i honestly don't know the answer. of course, if she were here in this room she'd insist that she wants it to work ... but her actions tell another story. i know we need counseling. my fear (and this is irrational) is that counseling already proves that it's over. my irrational thought is that, if we can't make it ourselves then what good would a counselor do? it may only, in my mind, prove that it's over--just a formality, then, nothing more!

i also fear that i would say something in counseling that i can't take back. while the word "divorce" has left my lips, i have never said, "i want a divorce." but, truth be told, i think that's where i am now. 

btw, i am speaking with a financial advisor tomorrow. she will not be with me!


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## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

Wow, makeup is more important than a roof over her head? I would have just told her, "Ok then, have fun living on the streets, but at least you'll be PRETTY!" Freaking ignorant. Maybe it's that time where you will need marriage counseling or at least individual counseling at first. I applaud you too for seeking a financial advisor without your wife being present. It's time to take charge of the money. Put the money in a personal account and give her an allowance in a joint account so you can see what she spends it on. If she runs out of money then ohwell! At least the bills will be paid and she can get over herself or go get a job if her allowance isn't making her happy. If you do end up wanting a divorce then there are really good resources online and counselors that can help you get through it. Free Divorce and Free Divorce Papers - all 50 States - Document Do It Yourself Service


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Wow, if you saw another friend going through this you would be uttering 2 words

Gold digger.

The minute the money stops rolling she's planning her exit strategy, if she already hasn't.

Are you in one of those states if the marriage lasts 10 years the spouse gets lifetime alimony?

Maybe I'm just playing the devil's advocate on this but, daaaammmmnnnn, just too many red flags

Huge debt
spends money like it grows on trees and flows in the river
Stopped working (due to illness but it better now...)
Anger issues
Wants a kid with you cuz her clock is ticking


Cut her off completely. Pay all the essentials and save money to pay down your debt. If she talks divorce, gladly give it to her and send her on her way.

10 year, 10 years...Remember if you're in one of those states and she's not working it's 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d3b8LswWO1A

Don't try to save someone who's going to drag you down like the Titanic. BTW, you've already hit the iceberg.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Willie i am speaking as a father here, your first and perhaps most important duty is to that little girl, her safety and concern should come before all else. If you feel that this environment is not good for her well being then make a change.


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