# Wife stopped giving BJs



## yesthatbig (9 mo ago)

This might be a regular thing I am not sure, but I feel like since me and my wife got married the BJs have been non existent, we have been married for 7 years and she hasnt given me one in about 6 years. 

The strange thing is when we were dating and even when we moved in together she used to tell me how much she enjoyed doing it and she always had one limit that i wouldnt cum in her mouth and i have made sure that never happened (as hard as it was, no pun intended lol). 

I have spoke to her and asked her multiple times about why she doesnt do it anymore and put it nicely to her that i just missed it not only because i loved it but also that i loved how much she enjoyed doing it, we have spoke about it at least once a year since she stopped and she would never get a straight answer was always that she didnt realise she had stopped and she doesnt know why she doesnt anymore. Apart from the few conversations I have never forced it on her or brought it up more and more. So I am at a loss at this point I have tried to make sure I am always clean and trimmed to see if that was the reason and have gotten a bit sad about it thinking maybe I am not sexual attractive anymore and I am not sure of what to do.

Our sex life in general has went downhill the past few years but she seems to blame me for a lot of it saying that i need to initiate it more but we both work and at night before we get to bed she always says how tired she is or how sore she is or falls asleep minutes after we get in bed and doesnt understand why i wont try and start something or wake her up more by starting something, I just feel selfish to even think about doing that if that makes sense

Apologies for the little rant just looking to see if anyone is in the same boat or has any advice


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

She doesn't do it because she doesn't want to. Simple as that. If she wanted to, she either would or she would tell you what needed to change (hygiene, how you act during, her own hangups, whatever). 

Get used to it, they ain't coming back.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

yesthatbig said:


> Our sex life in general has went downhill the past few years but she seems to blame me for a lot of it


That's your answer!


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

It’s Very common.
It’s all about control, and controlling. 
She gets mad if you ask for it because she thinks that way she wants it, but loses respect for you if you put up with it. 😔
One of those conundrums.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

yesthatbig said:


> This might be a regular thing I am not sure, but I feel like since me and my wife got married the BJs have been non existent, we have been married for 7 years and she hasnt given me one in about 6 years.
> 
> The strange thing is when we were dating and even when we moved in together she used to tell me how much she enjoyed doing it and she always had one limit that i wouldnt cum in her mouth and i have made sure that never happened (as hard as it was, no pun intended lol).
> 
> ...


It appears you might have got the old bait and switch.

Have your schedules changed since after you got married?

Are you both still in roughly the same physical condition?

Do you have any children?

Have your other interactions outside I bedroom changed?

Just checking on a few details.

Regardless, I wouldn't be satisfied with the drop off in sex and if oral sex was part of the menu when you chose to marry her, it seems a little shifty that it was taken off after putting a ring on her finger.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

The comments....

I'm caught between ouch and 🤣.


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

If she wanted to do it, for either her sake or yours, she'd be doing it.

So, she doesn't want to.

This goes beyond sex as people do things they want to do and like to do and they don't do things they don't want to do or like to do.

Leaving bj's aside now and just talking about sex, people who want to have sex, have sex. They look for times, places and reasons to have sex.

People who don't want to have sex, don't have sex. They look for excuses and reasons not to have sex.

It's the same with bj's too OP.


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## Always Learning (Oct 2, 2013)

There is an old joke.
Q. Why do most brides smile on the way down the aisle.
A. They know they given their last blow job!

It looks like this is the case for you. The other answer is she stopped because she gets nothing out of it. Are you still performing oral on her? What would her reaction be if you completely stopped giving her oral?

I am not suggesting that you stop, just think about how would she react. I see two possibilities and the first is she may not care, which would directly connect to the decline in your over all sex life, she just doesn't care about it, it's not important to her. The other possible reaction is she gets annoyed and asks why you no longer do oral. This is a reaction you can work with.

Bottom line is, people tend to take care of things that are important to them.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

How is your hygiene?
How is your physique?
How is your conduct in the marriage outside of the bedroom?
Kids?

I'm not telling you that cleaning up the infield so it's nice and fresh, getting a killer beach bod, or being a good husband will bring back blowjobs from your wife.
Start from the place of evaluating what YOU are doing, rather than what she isn't doing.


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

Hello Bait. Meet Mrs. Switch.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

What are the reasons she says you are responsible for the overall decline in sex life?

Everything in a functional marriage is negotiable... instead of coming at her with 'why aren't you doing this'..... setup a deal.... if I do x, I'd like you to do y... it is obviously not great that she stopped, but just coming down on her directly probably won't make her want to do it.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

Sounds to me like she might be a bit bored with routine in the bedroom. Talk to her to see if she is craving something different like bdsm, sexy talk, different positions, different locations, etc. Ask her about and encourage fantasy play. But do not make her feel silly for anything she has to say.

Take her to an adult toy store and the two of you pick out something for each one of you. Also try lingerie, scented lotions, candles, flavored lubes.bed restraints, etc. You have to keep swapping things up in the bedroom to keep it interesting. If sex is basically the same routine moves each time, a spouse will get bored 

If she likes it rough, see if she has old clothes. Handcuff her, blindfold her, rip open the old shirt and use an ice cube to lightly brush sensitive areas and then lightly blow to intensify the feeling. KY products also have lubes that generate a waming sensation that really gets her area sensitive. Kiss the inside of her thighs right up to the naughty area and stop. This will drive her crazy wanting more 

I could go on 😁. But while she is tied to the bed, use a flogger to just lightly caress her body from head to toe while rubbing with your hand as well. If she is into adult movies, find out her preference and the two of you watch together. Just the watching together will get her hormones going...... If you really listen to her and swap up things, it will get her mind going during the day. You can send her little flirtatious texts saying things like I can't wait until you come home so I can make you feel as good as you are sexy.

Another thing you can do is take her clothes shopping. Go to a store she likes and really get involved in giving your honest opinion and finding something you think she will look stunning in. Sit in a chair in the dressing room area and show that you are really interested in being there..... I do this with my wife and find that when she sees that I am genuinely excited, and she feels confident in clothing. Well that spills over into the bedroom.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Oddly enough my wife was the opposite. Before we married and several years into marriage she always said she didn't like it and would never do it. Bummer, but it was how she felt. I can't even put my finger on the point in time things changed, but at some point she started doing it and seems to love it. I suppose it could swing back the other way at some point, so I'll just enjoy it while I can. 

People's preferences change, they just do. It could be a bait and switch situation, or just a change is desires. 

I honestly wouldn't focus on that though. You said your overall sex life isn't spectacular. That is what I would focus on first. I know for my wife oral sex usually happens when passion and desire is very high. If your "regular" sex life is lackluster, passion and desire are probably lacking too. If you can get her interested in more and better sex in general you will probably have a better shot at getting oral sex back in the mix.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

ConanHub said:


> It appears you might have got the old bait and switch.
> 
> Have your schedules changed since after you got married?
> 
> ...


Well, do you know why the bride is usually smiling brightly on her wedding day? She realizes she no longer has to give a Bj.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Deejo said:


> How is your hygiene?
> How is your physique?
> How is your conduct in the marriage outside of the bedroom?
> Kids?
> ...


Well his username is "yesthatbig"...maybe that has something to do with it?


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Deejo said:


> How is your hygiene?
> How is your physique?
> How is your conduct in the marriage outside of the bedroom?
> Kids?
> ...


There’s no doubt that there’s some truth to this. In OP’s case, they’re working Night Shift. I’m sure that also does a number on the libido.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

OP I think you should fix the general sex issue before worrying about BJs specifically.

At least with my wife the happier she is with sex and our relationship in general it translates to more BJs.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

It is really pretty simple.
BJ's for her were a means to an end.
She got the end she wanted, so to hell with the means.
If OP really wants bring about a satisfactory resolution (for him), he needs to be willing to lay it on the line.
If he does this, he will not only quickly find out where he stands, but how much his wife values the relationship.
If this is so important to him, he needs to draw the line in the sand.
Right now, it comes down to her resolve to maintain her desired status quo vs. what the relationship is worth to her.
He needs to challenge her, and leverage the agency that he has in the relationship.
If she values it, she will either step up, or work out a mutually acceptable outcome.
If neither of the above happen, then he knows what his worth is in the relationship, then it is incumbent upon him to respond appropriately.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Tdbo said:


> It is really pretty simple.
> BJ's for her were a means to an end.
> She got the end she wanted, so to hell with the means.
> If OP really wants bring about a satisfactory resolution (for him), he needs to be willing to lay it on the line.
> ...


My bet is this is a one hit wonder.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

You get what you tolerate dude. 
And as others have said, BJs are not the main issue here, you need to address your overall sexual dynamic and your wife’s desire for you (or lack there of).


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Today the bj’s, tomorrow sex entirely I predict.


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## Power1 (5 mo ago)

Your wife has her answer. You tolerated her BS to this point, you’re Beta she knows it. Good luck getting that one back on her knees.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

yesthatbig said:


> This might be a regular thing I am not sure, but I feel like since me and my wife got married the BJs have been non existent, we have been married for 7 years and she hasnt given me one in about 6 years.
> 
> The strange thing is when we were dating and even when we moved in together she used to tell me how much she enjoyed doing it and she always had one limit that i wouldnt cum in her mouth and i have made sure that never happened (as hard as it was, no pun intended lol).
> 
> ...


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

The OP is experiencing what I describe as a severe case of domestic bliss.
Similar happened to me.
When my now wife and I were engaged and within the first year of our marriage, my wife was totally uninhibited in the bedroom department. It was anything goes with her and I loved it. We were at it almost every night of the week, I kid you not.
She used to wear sexy underwear, slept naked with me and I won`t go into any more details otherwise I may get banned from these forums.
Then about a year into our marriage, after what I consider the honeymoon period was over, the sexy underwear was gone and then came the baggy passion killer undies, she began wearing a bra and a thick nightdress in bed.
Our sexual adventures dwindled to once a week and it was the basics.
We have been happily married now for 32 years, she is a good woman, loyal and takes care of me well and of course I still love her, but as for the nooky, it`s literally a non-event.
We have a daughter together and after she was born the bedroom situation got even more boring.
But I`ve had to accept this. Tried many things to spice things up somewhat but it hasn`t worked.
This happens with many married couples after a time, both with husbands and wives. 
Maybe in need of a magic love potion otherwise I have no solutions to this problem.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

You can get some of it back but you need to do a lot of work on yourself and you need a partner that will respond.

Most people can’t or won’t do the personal improvement and I suspect that most partners also won’t respond to it.

Then again, what do you have to lose by trying?


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

ccpowerslave said:


> You can get some of it back but you need to do a lot of work on yourself and you need a partner that will respond.
> 
> Most people can’t or won’t do the personal improvement and I suspect that most partners also won’t respond to it.
> 
> Then again, what do you have to lose by trying?


Only can gain some self-confidence


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

ccpowerslave said:


> you need to do a lot of work on yourself
> 
> Most people can’t or won’t


100% correct. One of the largest issues I’ve seen among the countless “no sex” stories is the OP doesn’t recognize that they are a very large part of the problem. To them they have no work to do because it’s “her fault”. The ones that do decide to do the work are YEARS too late and she is done with attraction.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Read NMMNG and MMSLP. See if anything fits your situation. They turned my marriage around by revealing some issues in myself. Back then I was about to hit the eject button when sex was ~3x a month. 

I changed myself and wife is in her terms "addicted to me" and sex is ~5x a week. If I don't initiate soon enough she will.


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## GoodDad5 (9 mo ago)

Another good book to read is The Dead Bedroom Fix. I started working on myself earlier this year and started by going to the gym at least 2-3 days a week. I’ve gained weight but I attribute that to muscle gain and also starting TRT. 

My wife refuses to give me a BJ citing that it’s disgusting and makes her sick to even think about. She hasn’t given me one since right after our wedding over 20 years ago.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Tdbo said:


> It is really pretty simple.
> BJ's for her were a means to an end.
> She got the end she wanted, so to hell with the means.
> If OP really wants bring about a satisfactory resolution (for him), he needs to be willing to lay it on the line.
> ...


Agree. It's relevant that she makes excuses about why no BJs are given. Why not just tell the OP "I just don't like doing them and don't intend to" or something similarly direct?

It's because she wants to keep the peace and not get any backlash from the OP. Maybe the solution is for the OP to stop ignoring the issue and initiate a frank discussion. Or perhaps start blowing off her needs so that she'll be motivated to at least have a discussion.


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## GoodDad5 (9 mo ago)

DTO said:


> Agree. It's relevant that she makes excuses about why no BJs are given. Why not just tell the OP "I just don't like doing them and don't intend to" or something similarly direct?
> 
> It's because she wants to keep the peace and not get any backlash from the OP. Maybe the solution is for the OP to stop ignoring the issue and initiate a frank discussion. Or perhaps start blowing off her needs so that she'll be motivated to at least have a discussion.


Mine has actually told me that exact direct line.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

GoodDad5 said:


> Mine has actually told me that exact direct line.


And that's fine, painful as it is to hear. Your wife gave you an honest answer and was willing to accept the consequences.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

GoodDad5 said:


> My wife refuses to give me a BJ citing that it’s disgusting and makes her sick to even think about. She hasn’t given me one since right after our wedding over 20 years ago.


So she misrepresented herself to you until you were married. That would be a hard thing for me to accept long term.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

GoodDad5 said:


> Another good book to read is The Dead Bedroom Fix. I started working on myself earlier this year and started by going to the gym at least 2-3 days a week. I’ve gained weight but I attribute that to muscle gain and also starting TRT.
> 
> My wife refuses to give me a BJ citing that it’s disgusting and makes her sick to even think about. She hasn’t given me one since right after our wedding over 20 years ago.


So all the books in the world and all the "working on yourself", going to gym etc does no good if the partner has no interest. Which she has told you straight up she has no interest. I have lost track, but hasn't the activity cratered in every respect between the two of you?



Evinrude58 said:


> Today the bj’s, tomorrow sex entirely I predict.


Are you already there at "tomorrow"?



ccpowerslave said:


> I suspect that most partners also won’t respond to it.


So in terms of achieving the desired result, it in general isn't going to work ( with that partner ) except for the occasional exceptions. It is like once the well has run dry, a person can replace the pump with a more powerful one, change piping, it wont make any difference in the water flow. It will stay at zero.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

DTO said:


> And that's fine, painful as it is to hear. Your wife gave you an honest answer and was willing to accept the consequences.


Which were what? As near as can tell there have been no consequences except he has given up bothering her about it. Which suits her just fine.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Sfort said:


> So she misrepresented herself to you until you were married. That would be a hard thing for me to accept long term.


That's called the bait and switch.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Rus47 said:


> Which were what? As near as can tell there have been no consequences except he has given up bothering her about it. Which suits her just fine.


She knows there would be no consequences which is why she said it. Weak men deserve what they get.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

The core problem here is that your wife is not sexually attracted to you, doesn’t desire you and probably isn’t “in love” with you.
Women who are in love with their husband and sexually attracted to him, will perform BJs. They just do.

So what do you do about that?
You can’t make your wife want to **** you (or give you BJ’s), what you can do is make yourself more ****able.
Do that and see what happens. She’ll either come around and you’ll be happy, or you’ll develop yourself to the point that you realize you have better options available.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

DudeInProgress said:


> Women who are in love with their husband and sexually attracted to him, will perform BJs. They just do.


For a couple in love, nothing is “off of the table”. The raw sexual attraction takes over.

How often do we read about how a WW will do ANYTHING their AP asks for without limit? To keep him interested. The husband is always astounded at all the stuff she did with her AP that she would NEVER do with him.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

DudeInProgress said:


> The core problem here is that your wife is not sexually attracted to you, doesn’t desire you and probably isn’t “in love” with you.
> Women who are in love with their husband and sexually attracted to him, will perform BJs. They just do.
> 
> So what do you do about that?
> ...


Sad truth is once a woman loses attraction it doesn't come back. OPs best course of action is to better himself and leave.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Numb26 said:


> Sad truth is once a woman loses attraction it doesn't come back. OPs best course of action is to better himself and leave.


Possibly. The point is, the stay plan is the same as the go plan. 
If nothing improves, he will be in a much better position to go find better options.


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## Lotsofheart73 (Oct 13, 2021)

I’ve read some of the response but not all. I agree with “taking stock” of yourself and seeing wear you can make improvements. But in addition to that, have you consistently tried initiating at times other than bedtime? You mention her always saying you need to initiate more and saying she’s consistently comments about being tired at bedtime.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

gameopoly5 said:


> The OP is experiencing what I describe as a severe case of domestic bliss.
> Similar happened to me.
> When my now wife and I were engaged and within the first year of our marriage, my wife was totally uninhibited in the bedroom department. It was anything goes with her and I loved it. We were at it almost every night of the week, I kid you not.
> She used to wear sexy underwear, slept naked with me and I won`t go into any more details otherwise I may get banned from these forums.
> ...


Well. Been with my Mrs for 31 years, 27 married, and we have only had one short problem in our relationship sexually.

She let a couple of bitter church ladies with a severe case of cobweb crotch, bend her ear in the wrong direction. It was all cleared up pretty quickly and we haven't looked back.

Hope you find your love potion number 9.

I'm just not going to be denied and my Mrs. really isn't the type of woman to go without too long herself.😉


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

There is a solution to it. If your partner really does “love” you and want to retain you they’ll figure out their bedroom issues as long as they don’t have a physical problem that can’t be corrected by a physician. If they’re like Meatloaf and they’ll do anything for love but they won’t do sex, meh…. NEXT…


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

My wife is not into BJ's either. Never had been, doesn't really get into any oral. We have as of late had good open discussions about this issue. Her biggest problem is she felt it demeaned her. All those about what women who give them are, sure I don't need to say here, gave her a real hangup about it. I'm very open minded sexually, always have been. I stated that I would like to keep mutual oral on the table for us and we can work on the issues as we go. If she's good she can go for it, if not it's ok to. No pressure. It's always been something I found pleasurable and I enjoy doing it for her as well. For me it's a great warm up and works best for that. As far as the demeaning issue, I'm the man who's loved her for 38 years and been faithful as a puppy. She's with me and just me, not with some bar toad.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Sfort said:


> So she misrepresented herself to you until you were married. That would be a hard thing for me to accept long term.


If this is the case I would agree and I would be gone, if there was no BJs BEFORE AND THE ONE SOON AFTER THE BIG DAY then I would say she is not into it and except that but if she was given BJs as a part of sex up to the big day I would feel used


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

The OP has made ONE POST to this forum, in May. 

I don't think he's involved in the thread.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Rus47 said:


> Which were what? As near as can tell there have been no consequences except he has given up bothering her about it. Which suits her just fine.


I meant she was willing to accept whatever came down. My theory is women lie about this because they fear repercussions - being treated less-well and perhaps even divorced. Mine certainly did.

His did not. Whether he imposed any consequence is a different matter.


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## GoodDad5 (9 mo ago)

I tried an ultimatum and she said she would rather divorce than be forced to s*** a d*** as she put it. She is adamant that the very thought makes her sick to her stomach. So if I ever want one again it would have to be with a different person after a divorce. Unreal…


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

GoodDad5 said:


> So if I ever want one again it would have to be with a different person after a divorce.


You said elsewhere that she did things when you dated that she won't no now. So you could easily go through the meat grinder of a divorce, and IF you find another, that person could do the same bait and switch that you have already experienced.

You mentioned an "ultimatum", not sure what that was but obviously she called your bluff ( and raised you ). Ultimatums IMO are never a good idea in any respect. If I tell some guy am going to kick his azz, all that accomplishes is to alert him to my intentions so I am likely the one to get kicked.

I don't recall your ages or how many kids or if you are good roommates. Believe recall reading a divorce would financially devastate you ( no surprise there for anyone ). It sounds like your wife would be fine with whatever you decide in that regard. So in general, is your home an armed camp? Is it a happy place for everyone at the end of the day or is it a miserable place 24x7? If the former, you have already decided in your mind to deal with a dead bedroom existence for the next however many years you have on this planet. Your wife is not going to change one bit ever, no matter what you do to "change" yourself. That is why IMO, all of these self-help books are of limited usefulness. So you will just have to expend your energy in other endeavors like making money or hobbies.

I always liked at least the idea of life as an adventure. So in your shoes, my attitude would be to just see what was on the other side of the mountain. If ended up living under a bridge with my dog, that would be a new experience, might be happiest way to live who knows?

Everyone is different, but we only get so many trips around the sun. And life is soon over.


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

GoodDad5 said:


> I tried an ultimatum and she said she would rather divorce than be forced to s*** a d*** as she put it. She is adamant that the very thought makes her sick to her stomach. So if I ever want one again it would have to be with a different person after a divorce. Unreal…


Ok, so for the sake of this thread, does she do back door? If so then why that and not the other?


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## GoodDad5 (9 mo ago)

TinyTbone said:


> Ok, so for the sake of this thread, does she do back door? If so then why that and not the other?


Nope. I had asked about that a while back and was immediately turned down saying that’s a one way only. She doesn’t want me anywhere near that area, no matter what part of me it is. If I get the chance for oral on her (very rare and only when I insist) it’s only when she’s laying down on her back. 

I don’t even bring it up anymore.


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

Ok, for the sake of the argument, I'll say this, if I haven't already. My wife has never been one to enjoy oral sex period. Either way. I am the first and only person she's ever performed it with and received it from. We within the last several months have had real conversations about our sex life. I have told her I do not wish to remove oral from the table in our life. I did however tell her that for me oral is a good warm up act or finisher. Also that I did enjoy giving back with gusto! During these conversations, she finally admitted that the real issue is that she felt demeaned by doing it. It goes back to the many things that men so crassly say about women in oral. I can certainly understand that. Kinda hard to "enjoy" doing something like that when you look into your partners eyes and wonder if those remarks are going through his mind! I wish we had come to this understanding many years ago. It would certainly helped for me to understand her feelings.
This will never be a deal breaker for us if we aren't able to work past her issue. Love her more than just a sex act. Its something to consider with your lady. Is she having the echos of the old c*** s****r remarks bouncing around in her mind, making her feel demeaned and dirty? Women know how the porn industry treats them as objects and the use of language to them on cam. Work with her on this.


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## BootsAndJeans (4 mo ago)

yesthatbig said:


> This might be a regular thing I am not sure, but I feel like since me and my wife got married the BJs have been non existent, we have been married for 7 years and she hasnt given me one in about 6 years.
> 
> The strange thing is when we were dating and even when we moved in together she used to tell me how much she enjoyed doing it and she always had one limit that i wouldnt cum in her mouth and i have made sure that never happened (as hard as it was, no pun intended lol).
> 
> ...


It's something they put in the wedding cake.....


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## Kput (3 mo ago)

As opposed to in their mouth


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## GoodDad5 (9 mo ago)

I do often think about what it was like all those years ago when I did get one and I use that to think about either while solo or when I’m getting starfish sex.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Livvie said:


> The OP has made ONE POST to this forum, in May.
> 
> I don't think he's involved in the thread.


I agree, some men do not want to let this thread to die, to go soft on the vine.

Er, vein?


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