# Confused and Hurt By Husbands Decisions...



## LostButReadyToBeFound (Apr 16, 2012)

Where to start.. Well, my husband decided to end our marriage. After almost 10 years together, he asked me to move out. I didn't want to. I asked if we could work things out. We were both at fault. It was a month from the time he asked me to move out until I did. That entire month he went out with his friends each night. New work friends. They are single guys 21-23 and he is 29 with kids. He was working 70 hrs a week just to avoid being around me because the kids and I stressed him out. I admit, I nagged. But I felt it wasn't fair for me to work full time and man the house and kids alone. 

So the kids and I moved out... it's been a HORRIBLE two weeks. I was trying to bend over backwards for him. The kids are with him half the week which means I really am alone for the first time ever... I cry a lot. I became that needy person I said I never would. I sit at home and do nothing... and him... When I have the kids and he is "free" he goes out drinking every night. He reduced his hours in half so he finally has that free time (the free time I craved). In fact, two days after I moved out, he was seen kissing a girl. It hurt so bad. I am a successful, hard working, loving person and he is making out with a woman with no job and 4 kids from three different dads??? That is besides the point but definitely added to my pain. I became obsessive... texting and calling. How could you act like this? Our bed isn't even cold! Didn't you take our vows seriously? That is when he said we should get a divorce. He is ready for me to send the papers in today and it would be official in 90 days... just like that. Being angry, I said fine. I told him he would need to pay half of the fees, get his own vehicle (his SUV and the loan are in my name), get his own bank account (his is in my name because he has bad credit) and pay for his own insurance. He back tracked and said that we should wait 6 months... But he is still going to do what he wants and be with who he wants. 

I thought maybe if I showered him with affection (he had stated my lack of affection in the relationship was one of the reasons he was moving on) and showed him how much I cared it would help. I have also allowed him to come over and stay over... 

Then I found this site. I read through other people's stories. I read the 180 plan. What I have realized is that I have lost myself. I stopped hanging with friends and taking time for myself because I was accommodating his schedule. Do I love him? Yes. Do I want to be with him? Yes. Will that happen? I don't know anymore.... I do know that crying at home every night will do me no good. Allowing him in my bed will only hurt more. So I started the plan today. I texted him to ask if he would watch the kids Sundays for an hour (on my day) so I can start yoga again. I also told him that Wed nights he needs to get the kids earlier (I'm starting my girls night out back up). I will no longer text and call daily/hourly. I am going to start working out again too and start scrap booking again. After all, those 2 1/2 days without my kids need to be filled somehow. 


It's going to be hard... But I have noticed that he has detached and I need to as well. How will he even know if he misses me if I never actually completely leave? How will I know what I want out of the future if all I do is obsess over him and our relationship? It is like he has been following the 180. He is trying to find himself. Time for me to do the same no matter how much it hurts... Ugh. He told me it was ok to call him each night just to talk about how things are going as friends... It will be hard going from that to nothing. But it starts tonight. I think I may have to turn my phone off and put it in the closet so I am not tempted.


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## LostButReadyToBeFound (Apr 16, 2012)

Gosh... I'm already dreading this no calling or texting thing... This just sucks... I hate how much my heart hurts and his doesn't...


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## Twofaces (Dec 5, 2011)

I am very very sorry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## VostroDH (Apr 16, 2012)

I can empathize because I'm in a similar situation, except my children are grown and have been married for 23 years. You definitely need to take time for yourself. It will be very hard, especially when all you want to hear is that he wants you back. The thing about love is you have to let him go. If he decides he wants you, he'll let you know. If not, then it is definitely over.


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## OutOfTheBlue (Nov 4, 2011)

You are doing good girl. You have come to a conclusion that some people take an eternity to reach.

From this point forward, it's about you and your kids. You do what is best for your kids but don't forget about yourself.

Somehow, I think you will make it. I have a good feeling.

Good luck


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## Mtts (Apr 16, 2012)

It's defintely rough and sorry to hear about your situation. I'm 2 1/2 weeks in divorce being filed. Waiting for those 90 days to count down isn't pleasent. 

You have to remember though, we all have social value. Your actual value is noticed and increased when you respect and enjoy who you are. Texting and waiting on a guy who doesn't value you right now is hurting you. The starting of hobbies and friend nights is a good way to go. I'm right there with you.

Empower yourself and make your value noticeable. If he sees that you are ok, in fact possibly fine and having fun without him. He may say "wow, what am I doing?!" or he might just go on his merry way. Either option leaves you with the chance for happiness and fulfillment. You can't set expectations for any of this. This will take a natural course and it's very possible that course could lead you to someone new who will love and cherish you for who you are.

I hope you keep your head up and remember that you have to feel good about who you are and build value in yourself for others to see value in you.


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## LostButReadyToBeFound (Apr 16, 2012)

Thanks everyone. This is the hardest thing. I am morning the loss of my relationship and best friend. It is taking everything I've got not to text him that I love him and remind him how great we had it. But I know I need to let him decide what he wants and needs. I just hope I start to grow stronger soon. This is rough.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

When you feel the urge to call/text him, GET RIGHT BACK ON THIS BOARD AND POWER YOUR WAY THROUGH! We'll talk to you! Or you could offer someone your opinion on another thread here. No-one expects you to be an 'expert'; sometimes it just helps to read different points of view and consider different sides of a problem.

Time spent here INSTEAD of texting him will be time well spent!

And congrats on the yoga & girls' night out! You go, girl!


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## LostButReadyToBeFound (Apr 16, 2012)

Thanks. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LostButReadyToBeFound (Apr 16, 2012)

I still so badly want to text him and see what he is up to but I already know the answer... He's out. Its hard being the one at home but I just realized... Wed, thur and Friday night he will be home with the kids. Yes, he will have his friend there playing video games but eventually he will be alone. The last two Weeks I've come over to sleep because I hate being alone but I won't this week. I'm staying at my place. I'm going out each of those nights anyway. Yes, one dinner and two yoga classes but he doesn't need to know that. All he needs to know, if he asks me to come over, is that I have plans.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LostButReadyToBeFound (Apr 16, 2012)

Well, I made it through the night. amazing isn't it? My goal is not to "win" him back but to become stronger on my own. I never used to be this dependent on someone but I guess that is what happens after 10 years. Actually, I'm quite the catch and any guy would be lucky to have me.  Nights are just hard. When I really wanted to text I wrote on here instead or went to my elliptical. 

To make matters a little worse, our neighbor watches are children before and after school. I am renting a house down the street and drop the kiddos off in the morning. So of course I can see if his SUV is there or if someone else is as well. I'm sure that pain will ease with time. 

I'm confused. I read through these boards and see that I am not the only one going through this. Sometimes it is the wife unsure of why her husband is throwing in the towel and other times it is the husband on here who is unsure. I just don't get why some people are willing to fight for their relationship and others aren't. That is a question that I doubt will ever be answered. I'm just still mad. I'm mad that two days after I moved out he was with someone... a loser too. It's even more of a slap in the face...


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## AlterEgoist (Mar 6, 2012)

LostButReadyToBeFound said:


> Well, I made it through the night. amazing isn't it? My goal is not to "win" him back but to become stronger on my own. I never used to be this dependent on someone but I guess that is what happens after 10 years. Actually, I'm quite the catch and any guy would be lucky to have me.


I talked to a friend yesterday and she pretty much told me the same thing - I never used to be dependent on another person. It's funny on what love does to a person. What you have to do is to become independent again. And if he ever regains his senses and wants to come back, and you accept him back, then you make sure that you don't become so dependent on him anymore.


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

Lost you are doing the right thing. Find yourself thru 180- only business or kid related interaction with him- my stbxh moved out almost 3 months ago after his long distance EA, our divorce is final in 2 weeks, do I still miss him sometimes- yes. In fact thats why i came on TAM right now cause i was thinking about calling him and posting here gets me thru. Its ok if you mess up sometimes bu then you just try again. Its hard to cut off that connection you had with someone for so long but its the only thing thats has helped me move forward. Good luck and sorry you found yourself here


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## Mtts (Apr 16, 2012)

AlterEgoist said:


> I talked to a friend yesterday and she pretty much told me the same thing - I never used to be dependent on another person. It's funny on what love does to a person. What you have to do is to become independent again. And if he ever regains his senses and wants to come back, and you accept him back, then you make sure that you don't become so dependent on him anymore.


Absolutely and I agree with this. Your independence is important, happily married or getting over a marriage. I've found that part of what made me successful as a husband was maintaing my own identity. 

You canregain that identity and maintain it better moving forward. Don't be so easy to let someone else be part of who you are. I always try and think of it as "I am only as valuable to other as I am to myself." If you let someone partially be who you are, you will always be short changing you and those you interact with. 

It's hard and can definitely cause some serious grief and long nights, but in the end you'll feel better as you feel more secure and satisifed being just you. It's part of what brought you and your significant together in the first place. You were a single person, who had vast enough value that your H made a commitement to be with you. Remember that part of your life and remember that you should always maintain a sense of self and empower your life through it. 

I truly hope that you and yours make it through this difficult patch, in the end though you will be stronger and more equipped to deal with relationshisp. Whether together or not, you will find someone who will appreciate and respect your independance and ultimatly strive for true fulfilliment and happiness.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

You're doing really well honey. Keep it up.
I've just been through a year of hell and it took me for ever to get where you are. 
I found it so difficult not to contact my H. I missed him so much. But when I truly started letting him go and started moving on with my life everything started falling in to place.
If you fall off the wagon now and again, don't worry about it. Just remind yourself of what is important now. That's you and you're childrens happiness and happiness comes from inside, not from another person.
Good luck
Xx
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LostButReadyToBeFound (Apr 16, 2012)

Thanks everyone. I ended up texting him today. Not to ask what he was doing or to say I missed him or love him (like I was previously doing). I text him that I needed the last few things I left behind. Hello, one of the things was my toilet brush and it's been 2 weeks (and I have a little boy after all lol). I just text him that I have waited patiently and politely for him to bring the remaining items over. He has "forgotten" the last few times. I simply stated that I would like to go get them this week if he is unable to bring the items over. He responded quickly, "Are you mad?" I thought that was weird... I text back that I was not mad but I need to be able to clean and care for my new home. He said he would "try" to bring them by tonight. When he does, I will answer the door with a smile on my face and accept the items and have him go on his way. I actually have no desire to sit and talk to him. It only brings heartache anyway. It's funny... last week he found out a male friend of mine is interested in me. He became jealous and started to question when I started talking to him. I had to remind him that he was the one who initiated this, he was the one who started to see other people and it is none of his business who I talk to even though I have NO interest in this friend (I've even stopped all contact with this friend because I think it is bad that he hit on me so quickly). However, the next morning my soon to be ex text me that he was sorry for giving me a hard time and that I am free to see who I want because he is seeing other people. I know that tomorrow when I drop the kids off and am dressed up to go out, it will hit him again. I am not begging for him. I am not staying home moping. Also, I'm not pretending to get out there just to make him jealous. I really do want to be happy. All day today I reminded myself of the things that he would do that bothered me. His poor financial decisions, etc. Weird, but I had a smile on my face all day today as I drove around to see my clients. And when sad love songs came on the radio, instead of crying I just... sung along. I know there will be good days and bad days... and I know nights are the hardest for me but I am so happy today and I love it. Maybe it is a sense of relief? I'm not stressed about "making it work" because it is out of my control. We will see how things go tonight. I truly hope he brings by my stuff (so 1. I am finally completely moved out and 2. I have everything I need) and I am able to get him out quickly but politely. I'm done being this mess of a person.... begging him to stay together.


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

Lost,

I am just so sorry. My husband left me for his young graduate student...I was 8 months pregnant when he started his emotional affair with her. I understand how it is easy to beat yourself up and blame yourself for "nagging". But, listen, this is NOT your fault. Your husband has issues. It is really good that you are giving him his space and working on focusing on YOU!. 

When you start to blame yourself for this, just repeat the phrase "Who does this? Who leaves their wife and kids so that they can go out partying every night?!? What sort of person does that?!".

Your husband is a piece of poop right now. Maybe one day he will realize this, but maybe not. Either way, you don't deserve to be abandoned like this...and you have to give him the freedom to be a "piece of poop".

Just keep telling yourself that you are a "catch"! ....I should know...I am one too!  Work on yourself. Improve yourself and become the best mom and person you can be. Try not to analyze everything your husband does....and try not to spend your time and energy trying to understand what he is going through. You will never understand it. 

I read "Love Must Be Tough" by Dr. Dobson. It was helpful in my process, and you might find it helpful. 

This is sooooo hard, but you can do this. You can!...and you will triumph!


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## LostButReadyToBeFound (Apr 16, 2012)

Thanks. That's great advice. I am going to focus on me and stay positive. He is a piece of poo!


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