# NPD



## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a kissing cousin of BPD. There is usually some overlap between the two. Most people think being a narcissist means that you’re conceited or vain–there’s a lot more to it.

Men are typically accused of being insensitive and out of touch with their feelings. We rarely talk about women who emotionally abuse the men they claim to love. There are different reasons why this is a silent epidemic:

a) Society and psychology hold a reverse sexist attitude regarding the perpetrators and recipients of emotional abuse.

b) Men have been brainwashed into believing that “she’s just expressing her feelings” when she’s being abusive and that “he’s insensitive and doesn’t understand.” Unfortunately, many mental health professionals perpetuate this phenomenon through their own gender biases. Should these men enter into couples treatment, they often get tag teamed by their girlfriend/wife and the therapist into believing they’re the problem. Should this couple actually find a shrink worth his/her salt that tries to hold the Borderline/Narcissist accountable, said shrink is duly fired and vilified by the BPD/NPD.

c) Men are too embarrassed to talk about the hurt, pain and confusion they experience as a result of the way these women mistreat them.

Warning: Being involved with an abusive Borderline or Narcissist May Be Hazardous to Your Mental Health

Here are some common side effects of being in an abusive relationship, whether the abusive individual has a personality disorder or not:

1) Censoring your thoughts and feelings. You edit it yourself because you’re afraid of her reactions. Swallowing the lump in your throat and your hurt and anger is easier than dealing with another fight or hurt feelings. In fact, you may have stuffed your own emotions for so long that you no longer know what you think or feel.

2) Everything is your fault. You’re blamed for everything that goes wrong in the relationship and in general, even if it has no basis in reality.

3) Constant criticism. She criticizes nearly everything you do and nothing is ever good enough. No matter how hard you try, there’s no pleasing her or, if you do, it’s few and far between.

4) Control freak. She engages in manipulative behaviors, even lying, in an effort to control you.

5) Dr Jekyll and Ms Hyde. One moment she’s kind and loving; the next she’s flipping out on you. She becomes so vicious, you wonder if she’s the same person. The first time it happens, you write it off. Now, it’s a regular pattern of behavior that induces feelings of depression, anxiety, helplessness and/or despair within you.

6) Your feelings don’t count. Your needs and feelings, if you’re brave enough to express them, are ignored, ridiculed, minimized and/or dismissed. You’re told that you’re too demanding, that there’s something wrong with you and that you need to be in therapy. You’re denied the right to your feelings.

7) Questioning your own sanity. You’ve begun to wonder if you’re crazy because she puts down your point of view and/or denies things she says or does. If you actually confide these things to a friend or family member, they don’t believe you because she usually behaves herself around other people. 

8) Say what? “But I didn’t say that. I didn’t do that.” Sure you did. Well, you did in her highly distorted version of reality. Her accusations run the gamut from infidelity to cruelty to being un-supportive (even when you’re the one paying all the bills) to repressing her and holding her back. It’s usually baseless, which leaves you feeling defensive and misunderstood.

9) Isolating yourself from friends and family. You distance yourself from your loved ones and colleagues because of her erratic behavior, moodiness and instability. You make excuses for her inexcusable behaviors to others in an effort to convince yourself that it’s normal. 

10) Walking on landmines. One misstep and you could set her off. Some people refer to this as “walking on eggshells,” but eggs emit only a dull crunch when you step on them. Setting off a landmine is a far more descriptive simile.

11) What goes up, must come down. She places you on a pedestal only to knock it out from under your feet. You’re the greatest thing since sliced bread one minute and the next minute, you’re the devil incarnate.

12) Un-level playing field. Borderlines and Narcissists make the rules; they break the rules and they change the rules at will. Just when you think you’ve figured out how to give her what she wants, she changes her expectations and demands without warning. This sets you up for failure in no-win situations, leaving you feeling helpless and trapped.

13) You’re a loser, but don’t leave me. “You’re a jerk. You’re a creep. You’re a bastard. I love you. Don’t leave me.” When you finally reach the point where you just can’t take it anymore, the tears, bargaining and threats begin. She insists she really does love you. She can’t live without you. She promises to change. She promises it will get better, but things never change and they never get better.


When that doesn’t work, she blames you and anything and anyone else she can think of, never once taking responsibility for her own behaviors. She may even resort to threats. She threatens that you’ll never see the kids again. Or she threatens to bad mouth you to your friends and family. 

Tomorrow, I’ll post a follow-up blog in which I explain why this emotional abuse and what you can do about it.

by Dr Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Tara, your site has been a Godsend to me and one of my firends. I try to tell men who are dealing with this to visit it.Paul Elam is great, as well.Shari Schreiber, too.
Thanks for all you do to make men aware of what they are dealing ith. ron7127


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

This is me said:


> Here are some common side effects of being in an abusive relationship, whether the abusive individual has a personality disorder or not:
> 
> 1) Censoring your thoughts and feelings. You edit it yourself because you’re afraid of her reactions. Swallowing the lump in your throat and your hurt and anger is easier than dealing with another fight or hurt feelings. In fact, you may have stuffed your own emotions for so long that you no longer know what you think or feel.
> 
> ...


You put "HE" in for "SHE" and you've just described my husband and what my life was like for 20 years, the worst being the past year. It got so bad that I was cutting MYSELF because I felt so guilty and crappy. I have swallowed my own tears countless times and dug my nails into my hands to the point where they've almost drawn blood. 

EVERYTHING was my fault. The criticism and threats were never ending. I've been threatened with every conceivable thing. I'll be replaced with another woman. I'll be made homeless. I'll be cut out from the life insurance/will. My daughter was given a car and when she didn't act "appropriately" it was threatened to be taken away. He recently let our health insurance lapse because I wasn't "nice enough". And then I've had to get on my knees and beg for these things back as he berated me and told me how it was all my fault. 

I've had my own words twisted around and thrown at me countless times. I've been told to speak my mind "that it'll be ok if I do so" and then had those words used as a weapon against me. I've had events from 25-30 years ago rehashed time and time again and thrown at me to the point where I was reduced to a quivering mound of crying flesh begging for forgiveness.

I've been told I don't work hard enough..that I don't do anything at all! Nothing I do is ever enough. When I do things right and bring it up, it's dismissed or I'm told I'm lying. 

I've been told that I have been investigated and that my H has gone on all the internet forums I've been on over the years and joined them just to see what I've posted. I've been told that my receipts and papers have been dug through. 

On the other hand, I've been told that I'm "incredible". That I "saved his life". That I'm his "best friend". But then a few hours later I'm an evil beotch and that everything wrong in our life is because of me. I have been told that I am the one who needs to go to the mental institution and that it's all in my mind. That all this stuff is in my head and made up. 

The criticism, the control, the mind games, the arguments..it NEVER ends. I've been told to "just say 'yes' and it'll all be good" and when I've attempted to do so I'm told it won't make a difference anyway. 

And I've been given all kinds of conflicting stories and tales. I even suspect that my H has made up a fatal disease in order to further gain sympathy and control. It's been nothing but a mental mind f*ck from the moment I said "I do". 

But finally I've gotten it down and know how to handle it. It doesn't end until YOU WALK AWAY. If you are lucky, you stop caring, you don't argue or debate or even discuss because it won't make a difference. Loving the person doesn't make a difference either because they can't return it. They THINK they can and do, but it's just another weapon in their arsenal. 

They only love themselves. It's pitiful and sad but far worse for those who have the unfortunate fate of living with them and loving them. 

And this is a man who can't understand why I don't want him around anymore. It's amazing I see or put up with him at all. But it's not MY fault. Nope. Not in his head or screwed up world.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

This is my mother, my first 3 boyfriends and my ex. lol.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

I thought my mother might fit NPD at one time but she had problems but nothing like my husband. 

He is the all time champ. He fits EVERY ONE of those points. It's absolutely amazing. It's like the OP has been peeking in my window over the course of 20 years and taking notes. 

Scary stuff.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> I thought my mother might fit NPD at one time but she had problems but nothing like my husband.
> 
> He is the all time champ. He fits EVERY ONE of those points. It's absolutely amazing. It's like the OP has been peeking in my window over the course of 20 years and taking notes.
> 
> Scary stuff.


My older daughter's father too. Thankfully she's older now and he and I rarely talk ..but wow. If I could go back in time, I'd warn my 20 year old self about this person. I probably wouldn't have listened though. I knew everything at 20!


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

To go back in time and warn my younger self? My daughter once asked me if I'd do it all over again and if I did avoid marrying him then she and her brother wouldn't be here. I looked her in the eyes and said "I love you and your brother more than anything but I don't know if I could marry your father knowing what I know now."

If I did I'd divorce him right after my son was born. I would never have allowed this crap to go on for another 13 years afterwards. But back then I had my own issues to deal with. 

But if we could do a _Peggy Sue Got Married_ and put my current self in my younger body? Well..At the very least I could handle things differently.

But truth told, Knowledge is Power but most times all you get is hindsight and regrets. 

If you are lucky you gather the strength to walk away from the abuser and get over it. I'm at that point now. I deal with my H still but it's a whole different playing field. The weird thing is, he seems to know it and responds to me differently as a result. I don't know what his deal is. Mostly, I don't care.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

People always say that to me too...'but then you woldn't have had your daughter." Ok...so then I'd never miss her if I never had her. It's a stupid thing to say. I love my daughter. She's great, even for 12 years old LOL...but to just go and not even put myself through that hell with her dad would have been amazing. But it was a learning experience and I haven't repeated it since.

It took me about 5 years to completely get over the butthole he was/is. Five long years. I left him for another man which was a great distraction even if it was an EA....but yea...5 years of building myself back up. 

I left him Christmas time 2002.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Well, maybe in the end it's better we don't get these choices. It's the same ol' quandry of time travel. "If I go back in time and do this and this then THIS won't happen"! 

But it's amazing how the OP made a post that PERFECTLY described my H and situation. It's almost eerie. 

My mother warned me about my husband and he acted in ways towards others that should've warned me but you ALWAYS think that it won't happen to you, especially when you are 25 and needing love and a relationship so much. 

23 years later I don't need either another man's love or a relationship. I'm good on my own and there's strength in that. It's a shame that it was such a painful lesson and hard place to get to. But at least I've gotten there.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

My mom didn't warn me about my ex. She and he hated one another though--- because they are exactly the same. Even share a birthday LOL.

Yea, I'm glad for all I've been through. I am here because of it.

That list though, from the OP, is just scary how many people in my life have almost all of it goin on.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

that_girl said:


> I left him Christmas time 2002.


It's funny how Christmas features in my life. My H proposed marriage to me on Christmas 1987. We reconciled and decided to "redo" our marriage on Christmas '08. By Christmas 2010 I was packing up to move to a new apartment. 



that_girl said:


> That list though, from the OP, is just scary how many people in my life have almost all of it goin on.


She did say that they were symbols of "abuse"..even though she specifically brought up NPD. Whatever it is, it's a perfect description of the man and situation I lived with for 21 years.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea, I had a hard time with the holidays until I met my husband.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

I have no problem with holidays now. I enjoy them and am looking forward to Christmas in our apartment. My daughter is all excited to decorate our new place. My H is invited to come here, just as we came to his place yesterday. It's working out well. 

Walking away from my husband and his abuse seems to have put him into a different mindset. It's not just the physical walking away but the emotional one. He's finally got it. I'm not his emotional football to kick around anymore. 

Talk about thread hijacking....:slap:


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Total threadjacking.

Although, at this time in my life, I'm dealing with my mother...I cut her out of my life and she is STILL gaslighting and blameshifting. You'd think old age would get her to stfu and see what she's doing. But no...she'll take her stance to her grave.

Pathetic, really.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Interesting. I took my mother out of my life too about almost 9 years ago. My father died about 6 months after I cut off contact with both of them and she never told me about his death. I found out in a "roudabout" way. That pretty much nailed it for me. What I thought would be a temporary situation became permanent. 

She saw my H and kids about 2 years ago at the supermarket and left a message on my voicemail asking me to make contact with her. I deleted it. Haven't heard from her since; 

Wish it could've been that easy with my H but with the kids in the picture it's impossible. But my usual "MO" with toxic people is to treat them like dog poop. Scrape 'em of and walk away and ignore them if they persist.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Anyone dealing with a NPD or BPD needs support. Unfortunately, there are few sites for men seeking this support, while the sites for women seem plentiful.
for men who are recovering from relationships with abusive women and the non-abusive family and friends who love them | Shrink4Men is Tara's site. I also recommned Paul Elam's "a voice for men" and Shari Schreiber's " getting better" site.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Not a huge fan of Dr. Tara. Not at all.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Trenton said:


> Not a huge fan of Dr. Tara. Not at all.


I've not read any of her stuff. Why don't you care for her?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

I don't enough about Dr. Tara to know how legit she is or not, but I do like it that she's shining the light on men suffering from abusive relationships. My husband's ex wife has NPD and she's made his life a living hell by using their son against my husband, with no qualms about the damage she has caused. Yet to the outside world, she looks like a good Christian woman. 

On the other hand, I don't know how effective treatment can be with a therapist over the phone or skype.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Just like with male NPDs, the abuse goes on behind closed doors. The disordered are very adept at projecting an image of normalcy to the outside world. And, there does seem to be a certain societal prejudice agaist believing women can be every bit as abusive as men, physically, emotionally, and verbally.
I just watched a trailer for a film where the woman hauled off and slapped a guy who offended her. No problem there, right?


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

Yes, the secretive and manipulative nature of NPD is the most distressing and difficult thing about it, I think. Unless you are experiencing it, it's hard to understand or to even believe it exists.

I do think there is a terrible double standard for men with this sort of thing. Nobody wants to question the all powerful "mother" archetype. The divorce/custody issue is clearly biased against men and it's such a shame. Women can claim abuse to get a husband out of the house (my divorce lawyer suggested this as a tactic even though my husband was never threatening or violent) but when a man has proof of emotional or physical abuse from the NPD spouse, toward him or thier chidlren, it basically is ignored by the courts.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Laurae, your lawyer should be reported to the state bar association. This happened to a friend of mine, as well.
His wife's lawyer played the same game.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

This was a lawyer I saw back in 2000 when I was divorcing my first husband. We decided to use a mediator instead of using lawyers and we are, to this day, amicable and coparent our two kids well. But I was really shocked and turned off that an attorney would suggest this, but it's pretty common, I guess.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

No one anywhere near the top of our class in law school went anywhere near family law. It seems to attract the dregs, although I think there are some exceptions.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

pidge70 said:


> I've not read any of her stuff. Why don't you care for her?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I've read some of her blog from doing searches on BPD. She's so focused on the abuse of men by women who are BPD and Narcissist that she is like the opposite end of the pendulum of the extremist views that lead to men who tap a woman on the shoulder being considered spousal abusers.

The dynamics that are going on between a couple are complex and reading a pop psychologist's advice when it is always going to be the same is damaging and her advice is inevitably always the same, and sounds something like this...

"Sounds like your woman has BPD or Narcissim...Run now!!!!!!"


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Arnold said:


> Just like with male NPDs, the abuse goes on behind closed doors. The disordered are very adept at projecting an image of normalcy to the outside world. And, there does seem to be a certain societal prejudice agaist believing women can be every bit as abusive as men, physically, emotionally, and verbally.
> I just watched a trailer for a film where the woman hauled off and slapped a guy who offended her. No problem there, right?


I don't doubt that both men and women are capable of being abusers. Both should be held equally accountable and both should feel that they are safe to come forward. It is a tricky thing. I don't; however, believe that an abuser is always BPD or Narcissist by default.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

According to a certain poster, BPD'ers are basically akin to sociopaths.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Trenton said:


> I don't doubt that both men and women are capable of being abusers. Both should be held equally accountable and both should feel that they are safe to come forward. It is a tricky thing. I don't; however, believe that an abuser is always BPD or Narcissist by default.


Neither do I. But, there is a paricular type or pattern of abuse that one sees with the disordered. Often it comes out only after enmeshment and it is quite confusing and hurtful. The "walking on eggshells" or "in a minefield" really described it for me.
I got a lot out of her site, seeing that I was not alone and seeing the similar patterns.
Essentially, what you see with these types is an absence of empathy which leads to all manner of abuse.
It was quite frustrating, initially, when I began to search for help in figuring out what I was dealing with.
It started before I discovered my XW's infidelity and the first site I found, "trubble's catbox" gave me a lot of support from women to whom I described my XW's behaviors(frequent water dousings while i showered, very emasculating remarks, weeks of silent treatments, bouncing checks, hating her stepkids(my boys, one with Down's and autism).
But, I found that the majority of sites simply assumed that most abusers were men. And the books I would read, including Pat Evans on verbal abuse, consistently used the male pronoun( I found this true in a lot of infidelity books, as well).
The sites I mentioned acknowledge that there are disordered men but also acknowledge that there is a dearth of resources that talk about emale on male abuse.
I know that the majority of time on the site, there is a consensu that the person complained about is disordered. I am not sure it really matters what the label is(inthe old days they were simply known as selfish *******s).
The advice is , usually, to get out if the boundaries you set are ignored. Most of the time, they are.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

pidge70 said:


> According to a certain poster, BPD'ers are basically akin to sociopaths.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I've read that they are pretty mcuh the same as NPDs, but lower functioning. ASPDs are different, though. Thye all inflict tremendous damage on the ones close to them, IMO.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Trenton said:


> I don't doubt that both men and women are capable of being abusers. Both should be held equally accountable and both should feel that they are safe to come forward. It is a tricky thing. I don't; however, believe that an abuser is always BPD or Narcissist by default.


I think one of the reasons a site for men dealing with a disordered spouse is needed is because abuse by woemn is looked at differently in our culture. That is why I pointed out how the slapping incident was no big deal inthat movie. It is pretty prevalent in movies and TV shows and it seem the woman abuser is seldom seen as such.
I think you would see a pretty big disparity in sentencing between women child sex predatorsd and men. This is due to societal prejudice against seeing women like this as predators vs them being mentally ill.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Arnold said:


> Neither do I. But, there is a paricular type or pattern of abuse that one sees with the disordered. Often it comes out only after enmeshment and it is quite confusing and hurtful. The "walking on eggshells" or "in a minefield" really described it for me.
> I got a lot out of her site, seeing that I was not alone and seeing the similar patterns.
> Essentially, what you see with these types is an absence of empathy which leads to all manner of abuse.
> It was quite frustrating, initially, when I began to search for help in figuring out what I was dealing with.
> ...


I had similar experiences when I was looking for help. In that I’d say 99.99% of the articles I read all had men as the abusers. It was like being in a wilderness at the time and Tara was an oasis, almost like a monastic retreat in that wilderness. And sure, being a bit sceptical I asked myself is she just using men based on the man bashing there is out there! But you know what, it didn’t matter such was my need for some form of validation of what I was both thinking and feeling. And she certainly gave me that wrt my wife as did the other men who use the site.

And then I started to believe in myself and accept my thoughts and feelings as being real and not imagined. I allowed myself to think the worst of my wife and I took her off of the pedestal I’d put her on. That’s taken a very long time to do and some two years later it’s still work in progress for me although I feel I’m nearly there. Now I know just how massively manipulative she’s been and still is I know more or less how to handle her.

At the end of the day it all comes down to boundaries. And these are boundaries of intolerance. And in that respect as far as I’m concerned the quicker a man leaves a personality disordered wife the quicker his life will start to improve. And of course a personality disordered wife would object to that. But the vast majority of them will not get the treatment they need to get closer to “normal” (whatever that is) and the vast majority of them don’t even see it’s them with the problem. Of course the husband can stay with them but that will be in the role of a codependent and at the end of the day that is one of the most thankless, unappreciated, difficult, trying, unrewarding and unacknowledged roles of all.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Arnold said:


> I think one of the reasons a site for men dealing with a disordered spouse is needed is because abuse by woemn is looked at differently in our culture. That is why I pointed out how the slapping incident was no big deal inthat movie. It is pretty prevalent in movies and TV shows and it seem the woman abuser is seldom seen as such.
> I think you would see a pretty big disparity in sentencing between women child sex predatorsd and men. This is due to societal prejudice against seeing women like this as predators vs them being mentally ill.


You should at least know that there is at least one person here that totally understands where you are coming from Arnold. I think there are exceptionally few that know the phenomenal amount of restraint some of us men have demonstrated in the face of the most severe yet unseen conscious and planned abuse from our wives.

I look forward to the day when the essentially naive and exceptionally biased courts recognise these things. But such is the hidden, secretive nature of it all I’m not holding my breath.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Arnold said:


> I think one of the reasons a site for men dealing with a disordered spouse is needed is because abuse by woemn is looked at differently in our culture. That is why I pointed out how the slapping incident was no big deal inthat movie. It is pretty prevalent in movies and TV shows and it seem the woman abuser is seldom seen as such.
> I think you would see a pretty big disparity in sentencing between women child sex predatorsd and men. This is due to societal prejudice against seeing women like this as predators vs them being mentally ill.


Again, I totally agree but I don't think her site is the ideal or even healthy. That disparity you're talking about came from similar types of thinking as Tara's site promotes. It's just the opposite extreme. I believe there is a healthy middle.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I was married to a narcissist. I would not wish one on anyone. Its exhausting. Nothing you ever do is right/enogh/ok for them. Lack of empathy is a big one w them. Its astounding actually.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

This is me said:


> Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a kissing cousin of BPD. There is usually some overlap between the two. Most people think being a narcissist means that you’re conceited or vain–there’s a lot more to it.
> 
> Men are typically accused of being insensitive and out of touch with their feelings. We rarely talk about women who emotionally abuse the men they claim to love. There are different reasons why this is a silent epidemic:
> 
> ...


To me, this was my husband. I said yes to everything except for the last one. He never begged me to stay. He shrugged his shoulders at me leaving. But everything else was true for me. I was so afraid of him, I walked around on eggshells. He criticized me, he blamed me, he could be very sweet and affectionate by telling me he loved me and holding me in bed but if I said one thing he disagreed with, he'd roll over and not talk to me the rest of the night. He was very much Jekyll and Hyde. I drove myself crazy wondering what was wrong with me; why could I never make him happy!
I was with him for 15 years total. He completely drained me.


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

This is me said:


> Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a kissing cousin of BPD. There is usually some overlap between the two. Most people think being a narcissist means that you’re conceited or vain–there’s a lot more to it.
> 
> Men are typically accused of being insensitive and out of touch with their feelings. We rarely talk about women who emotionally abuse the men they claim to love. There are different reasons why this is a silent epidemic:
> 
> ...


This is my marriage, and its so difficult to put it all into words like you did here. In my case, the she needs to be replaced with he. Myabe my therapist was right and my husband does have this BPD thing. I just dont want it to be true.


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

AppleDucklings said:


> To me, this was my husband. I said yes to everything except for the last one. He never begged me to stay. He shrugged his shoulders at me leaving. But everything else was true for me. I was so afraid of him, I walked around on eggshells. He criticized me, he blamed me, he could be very sweet and affectionate by telling me he loved me and holding me in bed but if I said one thing he disagreed with, he'd roll over and not talk to me the rest of the night. He was very much Jekyll and Hyde. I drove myself crazy wondering what was wrong with me; why could I never make him happy!
> I was with him for 15 years total. He completely drained me.


It never changed or got better after all those years? Im 2 1/2 years in to the marriage and the "new" man. Sometimes we will be having good times and then seemingly out of nowhere he will start a passive (silent, with holding) or aggressive (criticism, mocking, name calling, blaming, hitting, telling me to die, telling me he would kill me but then he would go to jail, he would kill himself so that I live with the guilt for the rest of my life...he tries anything to get a rise out of me... even saying my dad died to get away from me, a man I had an incredible friendship with and a man he never knew) move and then say I ruined everything.

So, I will need to up my relaxation strategies and get myself neutered towards sex to live through this? I will be old in 15 years, and not going anywhere at that point.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

toolate said:


> It never changed or got better after all those years? Im 2 1/2 years in to the marriage and the "new" man. Sometimes we will be having good times and then seemingly out of nowhere he will start a passive (silent, with holding) or aggressive (criticism, mocking, name calling, blaming, hitting, telling me to die, telling me he would kill me but then he would go to jail, he would kill himself so that I live with the guilt for the rest of my life...he tries anything to get a rise out of me... even saying my dad died to get away from me, a man I had an incredible friendship with and a man he never knew) move and then say I ruined everything.
> 
> So, I will need to up my relaxation strategies and get myself neutered towards sex to live through this? I will be old in 15 years, and not going anywhere at that point.


No, it does not get better....okay, one thing I have never admitted on here before, now those who have follwed my story, know what a piece of work my ex was, but I have never told about the times he threatened to kill me. Now, he never got violent with me physically (well, one time he pinned me against a wall and threatened me and another time he pushed me to the ground but those were the only 2 times in all our years together) We could be having a pleasant day then I'd go and somehow mess it up, or somehow it always ended up being my fault and he'd look at me with a cold dead stare and tell me he was going to kill me. Then he would laugh and hug me. I always passed it off as his sick sense of humor but sometimes I really did wonder if he meant it. Today, I have let people know that if anything ever happens to me, make him the first suspect.
If this is your spouse, cut your losses and get out. They will never change. It only gets worse.


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

AppleDucklings said:


> No, it does not get better....okay, one thing I have never admitted on here before, now those who have follwed my story, know what a piece of work my ex was, but I have never told about the times he threatened to kill me. Now, he never got violent with me physically (well, one time he pinned me against a wall and threatened me and another time he pushed me to the ground but those were the only 2 times in all our years together) We could be having a pleasant day then I'd go and somehow mess it up, or somehow it always ended up being my fault and he'd look at me with a cold dead stare and tell me he was going to kill me. Then he would laugh and hug me. I always passed it off as his sick sense of humor but sometimes I really did wonder if he meant it. Today, I have let people know that if anything ever happens to me, make him the first suspect.
> If this is your spouse, cut your losses and get out. They will never change. It only gets worse.


OMG! I am about to tell my mom and my girlfriends the same thing! Im going to use this time when we arent having sex, and Im not pursing him at all, to do more things for me and make myself happy in ways that i can fit into my schedule

I also know that cold dead stare, I get it all the time. Husband has stopped the silent treatments, and the physically harmful abuse (2 positives).


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