# From your experience... is my marriage over?



## bobcat2345 (Feb 20, 2011)

This is a long post - I will warn you up front. But if you have the time, please read through it. I feel like if I share my concerns with close friends or family, they will begin to form negative opinions of my marriage and if there is a chance of salvation I would like everyone to just think that everything is ok - business as usual. That's why I am reaching out to this community. Please, if you can, take the time to read this and offer me advice. I am in a dire state. 

Bottom line up front. I am unhappy in my marriage. I feel that my wife and I are two very different personalities. We simply have two completely different ways of thinking about things and dealing with things. That's the simplest way of putting it. She is pretty uptight, very meticulous, cares very much about appearances and what others think, and is very judgmental of those who do things differently than she does. I am more laid back, don't care too much about small details (example: even a sign of the presence of weeds in our lawn is a stressful event for her. I care more about enjoying my weekends and time off than hunting for weeds and making my property the envy of the town). That's just the first example that I thought of but the same mentality applies to many facets of our life. This different manner of approaching life creates much resentment in our day to day life. I admit that I am not perfect and my personality is not for everyone. I feel that I irritate her immensely with my nonchalant attitude and perpetual optimism. Just for the record though, I work very hard in my job and earn a pretty decent income. She, on the other hand, has been living off of my income for 3 years while hopping from school to school trying to earn a second degree and find her calling. Also, it is important to note that I honestly don't think she is a very nice person. She is extremely judgmental and fault-finding of others and this is a very unattractive trait. I feel like I want to be with someone I admire, not someone that is unkind and mean. The foundation of our relationship is our early days. She and I had a great time traveling together, drinking quite a bit, and living the good life. After we got married, she seemed to become uptight, prudish, and very ordinary (not fun). I have no idea how she went from being a fun loving partner to being the epitomy of everything that I hate (judgmental, anal retentive, unkind). Maybe these traits were disguised early on. We spent only 3 months together before getting engaged and 1.5 years before getting married. The kicker in this whole thing is that after a year and a half of being married, she got pregnant. It was unintentional and improbable..without going into the details. We had planned on waiting 3-4 years. Now, we have a 3 month old who I love more than life....but I am miserable with my wife. The mere thought of spending the next 50 years (if I am lucky to live that long) with her makes me want to have a nervous breakdown. I should also mention that sexually, we are completely incompatible. I like to mix things up and have some fun with it, and she prefers to simply lay on her back and use sex as a bartering tool. My problem is that every time I feel like I have reached the end of my rope, she becomes very nice and loving and I feel that I can stick with it for the sake of my son. However, my biggest fear is that I will be miserable 10-15 years down the road with more children who will be subjected to an unhappy household or a messy divorce. And by that point, I will be depressed thinking that I should have made the call earlier, saved everyone the pain and given us both a chance to find another partner while we are young (we are both 27 now). I honestly don't know what to do. I feel like this is a lose/lose situation. Please, anyone who has been through something like this or has some wisdom to share, tell me what I should do. Also, I would like to mention that I know I am not perfect. But I do truly believe that I try my hardest to be the best husband that I can be. Thanks for your time and comments.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Sit down with each other and talk !!!! 

~sammy


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## upset/confused (Jul 26, 2011)

Not going through your exact experience but we are newly separated. Married 9 years with 2 young kids. H left because he needed space. I have been in counseling, first to see how to save my marriage, now to see how to save myself. 

Go and talk to a professional about getting you figured out. Then if you want to try and fix it, make it a must. After that you will see the answer and gain some clarity..

Good luck to you


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Your wife could be suffering from an extreme stress and anxiety disorder. Also, has postpartum depression been ruled out? She really needs to be seen by a therapist or psychologist for a full evaluation.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

I think a good dose of marriage counseling would do your marriage a world of good.

One of the things that strikes me is your wife's belief that everything has to be perfect. That is about two things - fear of judgement and the need to control. 

How was her family of origin? Any addictions there?

Her issues are fixable. She needs to explore how they came to be. Then she can work to change her way of thinking. I seriously doubt she likes the way she is. 

I also agree about a medical and psychological work up. But not before MC. 

Also understand that women take marriage and family and house very seriously. If the house is a mess, gender stereotypes still put it on the woman. Again,fear of judgement.same with the kids. Same with accomplishing things around the house. While you should enjoy your time off, you must also realise that being a husband and a father require maturity and effort. Life is work. It must be very frustrating to her that you aren't more concerned with her happiness and the state of your environment. 

She may have some obsessive qualities, too. 

Anyway, you haven't tried to save your marriage. You are concerned only with your happiness. You have a family so you must do all you can to preserve it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

bobcat, I think my marriage had a lot in common with yours, except our roles were reversed, I became the "controlling" one she was the "irresponsible" one. I used quotes around those words because that is just the perception, I don't think either of us wanted to be labelled, nor do I think those labels are really accurate of who we were or wanted to be, but it just kinda happened that that's what we each became.

It was very hard for me, as I'm thinking it is for your wife, to really say what she wants or needs, but feels compelled to say something and so comes across as she does. I think what appealed to me when I met my W is that we were so different and could see how each of us could anchor the other in order to grow towards each other. However, love languages are another factor that seem to be unrecognized in practice, so maybe that is an area you two can explore to learn how to connect with each other once again.

I certainly would never like to see someone miserable their whole life, but it is a matter of figuring out how to make it work out. My W decided she would not "fake it until we make it", however by leaving the marriage and having to get by on her own again she will have to learn how to fake it once in awhile anyway. The root of her misery is NOT me, nor her relationship with me, her misery comes from something inside of her - as with you, this unhappiness is not the fault of someone it is just what happens inside us when there is a disconnect because of the way we are wired and the choices we make. Everyone eventually finds a way to deal with that when it crops up, either by escaping the situation or by changing the way we process it, and I agree with ClipClop you made a commitment to your W and have a responsibility to work on your marriage - that means working on yourself and figuring out a different way of communicating with your spouse, and not giving up if it doesn't work when you expect, just try again, see a different MC, read some books both together and alone, spend some time on this forum.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Lon said:


> I agree with ClipClop you made a commitment to your W and have a responsibility to work on your marriage - that means working on yourself and figuring out a different way of communicating with your spouse, and not giving up if it doesn't work when you expect, just try again, see a different MC, read some books both together and alone, spend some time on this forum.




Lon, And when do you learn to call it quits?


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

sammy3 said:


> Lon, And when do you learn to call it quits?


I guess I can't really qualify a universal answer to that - In my case I would probably have never called it quits, I was prepared to stand by my lifelong committment and know I also have the capability to find peace and contentment in all but the extreme worst situations.

However, since my W is the one that left I never had to face that choice. I am pretty certain that if my W was demonstrating that she wasn't actually in the marriage (ie cheating and not attempting to R), directly harming our child or otherwise breaking the laws I would remove myself and my child from the situation.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

bobcat2345 said:


> This is a long post - I will warn you up front. But if you have the time, please read through it. I feel like if I share my concerns with close friends or family, they will begin to form negative opinions of my marriage and if there is a chance of salvation I would like everyone to just think that everything is ok - business as usual. That's why I am reaching out to this community. Please, if you can, take the time to read this and offer me advice. I am in a dire state.
> 
> Bottom line up front. I am unhappy in my marriage. I feel that my wife and I are two very different personalities. We simply have two completely different ways of thinking about things and dealing with things. That's the simplest way of putting it. She is pretty uptight, very meticulous, cares very much about appearances and what others think, and is very judgmental of those who do things differently than she does. I am more laid back, don't care too much about small details (example: even a sign of the presence of weeds in our lawn is a stressful event for her. I care more about enjoying my weekends and time off than hunting for weeds and making my property the envy of the town). That's just the first example that I thought of but the same mentality applies to many facets of our life. This different manner of approaching life creates much resentment in our day to day life. I admit that I am not perfect and my personality is not for everyone. I feel that I irritate her immensely with my nonchalant attitude and perpetual optimism. Just for the record though, I work very hard in my job and earn a pretty decent income. She, on the other hand, has been living off of my income for 3 years while hopping from school to school trying to earn a second degree and find her calling. Also, it is important to note that I honestly don't think she is a very nice person. She is extremely judgmental and fault-finding of others and this is a very unattractive trait. I feel like I want to be with someone I admire, not someone that is unkind and mean. The foundation of our relationship is our early days. She and I had a great time traveling together, drinking quite a bit, and living the good life. After we got married, she seemed to become uptight, prudish, and very ordinary (not fun). I have no idea how she went from being a fun loving partner to being the epitomy of everything that I hate (judgmental, anal retentive, unkind). Maybe these traits were disguised early on. We spent only 3 months together before getting engaged and 1.5 years before getting married. The kicker in this whole thing is that after a year and a half of being married, she got pregnant. It was unintentional and improbable..without going into the details. We had planned on waiting 3-4 years. Now, we have a 3 month old who I love more than life....but I am miserable with my wife. The mere thought of spending the next 50 years (if I am lucky to live that long) with her makes me want to have a nervous breakdown. I should also mention that sexually, we are completely incompatible. I like to mix things up and have some fun with it, and she prefers to simply lay on her back and use sex as a bartering tool. My problem is that every time I feel like I have reached the end of my rope, she becomes very nice and loving and I feel that I can stick with it for the sake of my son. However, my biggest fear is that I will be miserable 10-15 years down the road with more children who will be subjected to an unhappy household or a messy divorce. And by that point, I will be depressed thinking that I should have made the call earlier, saved everyone the pain and given us both a chance to find another partner while we are young (we are both 27 now). I honestly don't know what to do. I feel like this is a lose/lose situation. Please, anyone who has been through something like this or has some wisdom to share, tell me what I should do. Also, I would like to mention that I know I am not perfect. But I do truly believe that I try my hardest to be the best husband that I can be. Thanks for your time and comments.


Opposites attract. However, over time the "opposite" traits that we were attracted to can become very annoying or even destructive. This is true in my 17 year marriage and now I'm also wondering what to do next. I've reminded myself many times that it was my decision to get married and that I pursued her aggressively. I also produce two boys who need a father around. I'm basically responsible for the entire situation so I man up. So I stay in my marriage and try to make it work the best I can. There's no fighting or drama in our house there's just no passion or deep respect on either side. My boys can tell what's going on, but they know I love them and will never let them down. At this point leaving my boys for a small apartment nearby is not an option so my romantic happiness must be secondary. I'm not proud of this situation and some days I really struggle, but in my case my boys benefit from me being around every day. 

Here is what I've learned from my situation. If you do not respect your spouse and she does not help motivate you to be the best person you can be then there will be trouble in the future. If you think you can change a person over time by setting a good example you are most likely going to be very disappointed (Your not that powerful !). Peoples behavior and attitudes can change over time, but their core personalities will always remain. If you don't like their core personality you will never respect that person. Even if a persons behavior and attitude changes the spouse may still resent the old behavior and never have passion for you again. 

I hope this helps in some small way.


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## alone66 (Aug 2, 2011)

I am really sad to read some of these post/ replies

I am a wife of 26 1/2 years. my husband says he just doesnt want to be married anymore. I have asked him to move out for 6 months to find himself. then either come back or call it done. Our youngest just moved away to college and now this. I am so hurt . Do you think he will come back ?


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

alone66 said:


> I am really sad to read some of these post/ replies
> 
> I am a wife of 26 1/2 years. my husband says he just doesnt want to be married anymore. I have asked him to move out for 6 months to find himself. then either come back or call it done. Our youngest just moved away to college and now this. I am so hurt . Do you think he will come back ?


Not sure who you are asking and I couldn't possibly know the answer to that. I don't know your situation and don't know how mature you or your H is. I've seen H's that come back and others that don't. Here is what I can say about most men. 

It really comes down to how rewarding your relationship is and what his expectations are for the marriage. I think all marriages require compromise from both sides. However, if this site is any indication there are some women who want a man to compromise his very essence which I think really drives a man away. Healthy hetero men are not women and don't think, feel or act the same so expecting that he will have the same emotional and physical needs as you is just going to lead to conflict. On the occasion when my wife helps me feel like a man I'm a very happy guy and only want to please her more. If her actions somehow emasculate me (no sex, disrespect, ignoring me, letting her self go, having secrets ect..) I naturally start thinking about a new relationship or just want to be on my own without this gut wrenching feeling of disappointment. Its my opinion that many women do not understand this dynamic and that the women who do understand it are really in control of their relationship because lets face it men are simple creatures.


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