# Should I stay or should I go?



## midlifecrisis (Jan 30, 2011)

OK, so I am new to this site. I am at a very strange place in my life right now. Someplace I thought I would never be. I'm trying to decide if "I should stay, or if I should go"? I've been with my husband for a total of 30 yrs. We met in high school and have been together ever since.
I have realized over the past 2 yrs that we do not have anything in common. We don't talk, we don't like the same things. I'm finding that the older I get, the more I want to be free.
Has anyone else, male or female, experienced this???
If so, I would love to hear about your situation and what you've done about it. Did it help? Do you regret it?


----------



## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

find a hobby, one for you, a different one for him (if he wants one)
at least then you will have something to talk about, or meet new people to converse with.


----------



## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

30 years is a long time. You can have a life outside your marriage. Do you have a job, if not get one. Start enjoying the things that you like to do; garden, concerts, sports. Volunteer your time with others, or community projects. 

If the guy is a pretty good guy, I certainly wouldn't get rid of him based on nothing in common.


----------



## midlifecrisis (Jan 30, 2011)

I appreciate both of your replies, but really, it's more than that. I do love him, but we haven't been intimate in over 2 yrs. Mostly because of me, I don't feel the way about him that I used to. We have 3 children, he is not involved with any of them. He doesn't attend school meetings, or any activities that they are involved with. The kids do notice, and it breaks my heart when they ask me "why doesn't Dad come to any of my games, etc?" I have spoken to him about this MANY times, he says "it's just the way I am". Well, that's fine, but there's a LOT of water under the bridge.
I will always care for him, but I don't want to waste my life away. He doesn't like to go out, he doesn't like to have guests. I am a social person, to be locked away like this is killing me. I do work and I do have hobbies but what I really want is someone to share these things with.
This is tearing me apart, I don't want to hurt him, but if I stay, I will be hurting myself. How do you decide??


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

What DOES your husband like to do? If not going out, not attenting the children's functions or interacting with them at home, not having guests over for parties and not caring to socialize? 

Has he always been this way? Or getting more reclusive over the years ? What are you ages, being married for 30 yrs must put you in your 50's - would you consider this your 1st Mid Life Crisis ?


----------



## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

I think every long term marriage comes to this stage, at some point, usually when you either approach or are in the early "empty nest" phase. You look at each other and think "It's just you and me now. Do we even like each other? Is this going to work? Do I really want to be with you now?" I know I did this with my husband of 30+ years. We also got together in High School and he has been my one and only partner!

You, Midlifecrisis, have spent all of your adult life with this man. Why? What was there then that is not there now? What will your life "the real life, not "fantasy life" be without him. I can tell you that my sister who is in her late 40's and is divorced has found that there is not an abundance of great single men out there in that age bracket. And the ones that are out there - are often going for the younger women. And I have heard that same thing from others. That could be your reality!!! Do you really want to be alone - or do you think there is something better out there?

I am going to be totally blunt! I don't know you or your situation so what I am now going to write applies to many women and men. You will have to decide if it applies to you.

The other issue - your lack of intimacy - which you say is your choice not his, could be creating the rest of your stated issues - you not having anything in common. It's a sad tale - but a very common one. Sex for most men is a very important part of the way that they connect emotionally with their wives. Women can deny this fact all they want to but it does not change that it is a fact! (Am I right? - anyone on this site feel free to affirm or deny) 

A denial of this need (and it is a need for most men) and a very important way for men to connect with wives may push men away and cause them to have no interest in doing the things the wives want them to do. Why would they want to do anything with her, if they feel the she thinks so little of him and denies one of the most important areas of his life? I don't know which came first for you and your husband, his lack of interest in the things that are important to you or your lack of physical intimacy with him. It doesn't even really matter at this point because what seems to have happened is a damaging cycle which has contributed to both of you pulling away from each other emotionally. Someone needs to break the cycle and try to change things. It does take two to make it work, but it only takes one to start the process of change! Maybe that could be you!

I don't mean to be harsh, but I have lived and learned this lesson myself. Fortunately, I have a more than normal patient husband who stuck it out with me through a sexual desert that I created for years. When we woke up to the empty nest, I had no more excuses for ignoring him and his needs. It was just the two of us, plenty of time and money, and we could either go on living together, but emotionally separate, split up and go our separate ways, or find a way to re-connect.

Strangely, probably caused by hormones, I had a sexual awakening during this time period. It was amazing the difference it made in our relationship. And I mean AMAZING!!!! I didn't have this sexual awakening on purpose, but there did come a point where I did have to choose to work to keep the sexual aspect alive because of menopausal issues. From this experience, I found that being sexual for many women is really a choice! The more you work at it, the more comfortable it becomes, and the more comfortable it becomes, the more you want it, and the more you want it, the less you have to work at it! It really does work that way! Needless to say my husband no longer lives in a sexual desert. In fact, I am enjoying my sexual being and am most often the pursuer these days. Hubby is loving it and has no complaints and is trying his best to keep up. lol

What you and many other women (including myself for many years) may not understand is that you could possibly hold the key to your husbands heart, and you might have the ability to draw him to you and make him want to turn cartwheels for you if you will only use that key. (overall I believe this to be true in most men - but I am sure there are exceptions). The key is to put his needs (especially sex) above your own. I will tell you that in my marriage, since my awakening, I have never felt closer or more loved and adored by my husband than I do now. He will bend backwards to do things for me to show his love and appreciation. I can tell you that the only thing that has really changed in our relationship to increase our connection is MY attitude and willingness to participate in healthy and abundant sex! I am just so angry at myself for not realizing this earlier and for all the wasted years and hurt that I caused my husband.

Maybe you could try an experiment for a year before making a decision. What do you have to lose? Also I wonder if you have tried counseling, even if it is just for yourself? Isn't the time and effort sunk into this marriage so far worth trying a little more until you are sure it's not salvageable?

Be careful as you make this VERY IMPORTANT decision in your life! You will NOT be able to go back and change what you do! So choose wisely!


----------



## surfergirl (Jan 27, 2011)

Hey midlifecrisis.....it's always difficult to know what kind of feedback to give because we don't have all the details - but from what you have already given....I do hear where you are coming from and I feel for you.

Firstly, I'm not in the exact same position - I divorced my husband fourteen years ago, after 18 years of marriage that ended in what sounds like a similar place you are at. 

Hubby had no interest in our children's (or my) life....I considered myself a single parent for many years before I was one . We never really argued but he and I barely spoke of anything other than work (we ran our own business)....or trivial things. We were like two separate adults simply living in the same house. Our sex life was okay....but only because I had learned to switch myself off emotionally from him when we had sex. IFor me it became a thing of enjoyment not a place to share the love. We had joint friends (couples) but he never really enjoyed our social get togethers - although no one ever said, I'm sure our friends would have been much happier if I'd left him at home and just came on my own to most things.

The last five years of my marriage was a very lonely time. Several years before I left I made a decision to leave when I turned 35 if things hadn't gotten better. In that time I did everything I could to try and help make things better and keep the marriage together. 

But it takes two....he had no interest in doing anything - he told me if I wasn't happy, it was my problem....I was the problem not him. 

When I finally understood that we were going no where as a couple, instead of trying to work on the marriage I began working on me - making my own life good within the marriage....I started really looking at what it was that I wanted and needed in life...so much soul searching (it makes my head ache now just thinking about it!).

The last twelve months of the marriage was difficult because I was slowly blossoming in to my own person and he didn't like it. Although I never told him what I was doing, I know he could feel it...but still he didn't take up the opportunity to come with me (to grow?).

Why I'm telling you all this is because, you've been married a long time....leaving is a massive decision. Your whole life will change completely. Completely. Yes there will be the freedom from the loneliness that you feel now...but it comes at a huge price. 

It's a jungle out there - being single and looking for "someone" to share your time or life with is no place for sissies. There are many people in the same boat...and not all of them sincere. 

I think that if you aren't happy then yes you really do need to look at all your options - everybody deserves to be happy. Make sure you know exactly why you are leaving and let that reason be to have a better life all round. Just having companionship is not a big enough reason....trust me, I have been there.

Give yourself time....maybe a year....to rediscover who you are and build on that person, so that if/when you do decide to go - there will be no doubt at all that you are doing the right thing for you (and your children). You will be strong in who you are and you won't be leaving because of his faults....you will be leaving because of your own strengths. 

Giving it time to evolve allows you to set yourself up emotionally, spiritually and financially....and who knows, he may decide somewhere along the line to come with you. If he doesn't, it won't matter because you will no longer be dependent on him to fill those gaps - you will be your own person.

I'm no expert but your husband sounds like he may be passive agressive.....his control over you is silent - he doesn't get his way with you by hitting you or verbally abusing you - he does it by not doing what he knows you want. And he does it because he can....because you've allowed him to do it for all these years (it's something a lot of we women do). Own that - then set about changing it.

I've never for one day regretted my decision to leave my marriage, it was the best thing for me to do - for all of us. It was a difficult time but I am sure if I hadn't prepared myself so well, it would have been a lot more so.

I'd never encourage anyone to leave a marriage (unless it was abusive) but at the same time, I never encourage anyone to stay either. What I do encourage when asked is for people to make their own lives good - it takes the focus off leaving or staying and points it toward a better life.

Anyhow....I hope something I have said will sit well with you.

Cheers and hugs!


----------



## russ101 (Jan 8, 2010)

I could not say it better than Mary35 did. My wife and I have been married for almost 19 years and we have definitley had our ups and downs but we always had a decent sex life until about 5 or 6 years ago. It has steadily decreased over this time (resentment issues play role in this) and it is largely because my wife went through menopause early (she is only 46 now) and she now has no desire for sex. We only have it once every 5 or 6 weeks and I have to ask her for it and she acts as if is is something very annoying to her, and something to just "get over with" very quickly. There is no foreplay, hugging, kissing, or anything like that. She doesn't even get undressed. We haven't had sex in almost 2 months now and when I asked her to have some the other day, she was so negative about it, I just said forget it! 

Who wants to have sex with someone, when they obviously don't want to have it with you? She really no longer tries to meet any of my needs so guess what? I am now no longer trying to meet any of hers. She knows how important sex is to me, but she doesn't seem to really care. I don't want to divorce because of our kids (I don't want to just see them part time). I have thought about cheating many times, and to be quite honest, if something came along, I would probably take advantage of it, although I am not looking for anything. My point here is: you both need to find out what each others important needs are, and then you BOTH need to make an effort to try and meet them. If you don't, then you will definitley drift apart to the point of no return.


----------

