# my married friend has a boyfriend and wants to keep both



## judgeandfriend

I really hope you can give me some perspective. I've been struggling with this for a while now. My friend has been unhappy in her marriage for a while and she's been honest with her husband and they talk about things amicably. They also have a middle school child. My friend reconnected with an old friend about 9 months ago and began seeing him. They would meet about once a month (he lived out of town) and she told her husband about this and her husband never got in her way. All three have met each other and are working to be amicable so that their child will experience the least stress possible in their split. I respect them all for accomplishing this. 

The kicker is that there is no separation or pending divorce in the works. She lives with her "family" and visits the boyfriend on weekends. He has now moved to her town. I can accept that my friend and husband won't remain married, but I'm struggling to accept the "no separation/no divorce" situation. It feels like she is working both sides until she is ready to make a move to marry the boyfriend, which I do think she intends to do eventually. She says there isn't enough money to divorce right now, and that she and her husband intend to continue a business relationship. Their child has met the boyfriend and likes him. She has even slept at his apartment with her mother. 

My friends and I (who are happily married) are having a hard time accepting the boyfriend and don't really want to meet him. We also have a hard time supporting someone who is living this sort of life. Am I wrong? Are my friends wrong? Am I being judgmental? How do I explain to my teenage children that it's ok to be married and have a boyfriend...I can't, because I don't think it is. I'm not particularly religious, but I believe in marriage. This is causing a rift between my friend and the rest of our group. What should I do?


----------



## judgeandfriend

Hi Nina,

I agree that what I think isn't as important as what they think and do. It's their life and they're entitled to live as they wish, but what I'm having a hard time with is that I'm not "allowed" to disagree with my friend. If I voice an opinion that says "I'm uncomfortable" she gets defensive, very emotional in an exaggerated manner and then shuts down. I've never had a friend fight with me or shut down like this. I feel like I have no voice in our friendship. Maybe that's what's bothering me the most...the ability to respectfully disagree.

What do you think?


----------



## Guest

I am judgmental, will come out and say it. What they are doing is wrong and think of the impact it is having on the child. The child will grow up thinking that mom has fun on the side while Dad is at home. 
One man, one woman, period. End of story. 

IMHO of course.


As a side note, my wife and I are very strong in our beliefs, religious and political. Her friend for many years will no longer come to our home because we refuse to change our belief system. Sometimes you must cut the ties.


----------



## preso

I had neighbors like this.... woman and man, married with a child, both had outside relationships. It went on a long time.....

never understood it, until one day when the child they had turned 18... wow did they ever have a party !
and the next morning the husband pulled up with a uhaul and moved out. 
They ended up divorcing and she tried to get her other child from a previous marriage was was about 30 to move in with her, and he did for a time but could not help pay for her living expenses as she hoped... and she sold the house ( I'm told for far below market value and to another neighbor... wow, stupid huh)
and she moved out and in with the bf she had.
Years have gone by now and she is remarried to yet another guy.
She is close to 55 now... guess her whole life will be like this, going from one man to another. At least she is too old to have any more kids.
Her son who turned 18 went into the military and I'm told he does not have a close relationship with his mother. He has been in the military for a long time now, maybe 10 years ? or close to it.
He is an alcoholic I'm told and also divorced.
so I guess his parents did well to ruin certain parts of his life as he doesn't seem well adjusted to me.


----------



## GAsoccerman

well there can be many factors to why they are living like this, It could be they want a divorce, but Finacially they can't, or the husband refuses to ahve "joint" custody were he only see's his child every other weekend and a few weeks of the year, He just may ahve said, No divorce becuase I want to be here with my child, but you can do as you wish.

Talk to your friend see what kind of arrangement they have or discussed instead of assuming.

While it is non-traditional, so was divorce just 30 years ago.

Hard to understand if you don't have kids, we ahve three of them, i would find it very hard not to be around my children, the modern father has become more family oriented then fathers of the past. Particularly the X generation, the original divorce generation, we are more family oriented and do more for our children and put them first before work, as opposed to the baby boomer generation, take me for example, I work the night tour so I can coach my childrens two soccer teams, I find that more important then work and get more joy from it.

This couple/family may wish to "stick together" even though they fell out of love, this is becomming more popular and also shows the child that he is not the cause of the break up and it does not push either parent out of the way or disenchanted.

Talk to your friend ans see what she says, obviously the husband knows about it and is fine with it. 

So should you, because it should not be any of our business how they live their personal lives, just freedom of choice.


----------



## preso

Lots of men will want to stay married just to avoid hefty child support.... its cheaper for them to stay married and just start their new life a little early...

by the time the kids are 18.. POOF they disappear.


----------



## dobo

I wonder what planet the people who wait until the child is 18 to break up live on. Like the child is any less upset? And with the ones who cheat while staying together, do they think the kid doesn't know and isn't affected? When you disrespect the other parent, you disrespect the child. 

BTW, staying together and breaking up doesn't prove anything to the child about who is to blame. "I stayed for you" is all about limiting personal guilt. It isn't about what's best for the child. That's just what they tell themselves.

If you stay in an unhappy marriage, you fight/argue/don't get along/don't have a relationship or you cheat, your child is adversely affected no matter how much you pretend to stay. Commitment is what makes a marriage and kids know it. Staying under those kinds of conditions is worse than breaking up.

People must think their children are stupid.


----------



## foolz1

judgeandfriend, has your friend asked for advice? If not, she is obviously doing exactly what she wants to do, regardless of anyone's opinion. Apparently her spouse is ok with it. I am not saying that I condone that type of lifestyle, but I don't condone a lot of people's actions. It doesn't mean that it is any of my business, though. Unless she is committing a crime, there isn't much you can do about it, except find a different friend and stay away from her.


----------



## 20yrs

You can always still love your friend, but I would say be honest with how you feel about it... in the end you may be helping her more that way than if you just went on with it like there was nothing wrong with it.

It is neither right nor normal in my opinion, but I understand what you are saying and no you don't want to be judgemental. I think there is a difference between simply being a friend or actually approving of what someone does.


----------



## Patty

From your tone and the fact that you post here looking for help, you do value her and want to keep your friendship. So what to do? My guess is that this current marital status won't last forever. You can't live a divided life, with your head in one place and your heart in another, for long without becoming a total shell of yourself. Believe me, she is hurting, even if she pretends not to be. Just keep a low profile with your friend, listen without judging as much as you can and if you can't do that anymore, tell her you support her, but don't really want the details anymore. But don't tell her or your friends if you do judge her. You are your own person, and certainly allowed to judge her, just keep it to yourself as it will hurt her and maybe you too if it spreads around. That kind of talk is really juicy gossip, very dangerous and gets twisted easily. It is her life. Let her learn the hard way, work through her crapola and support whatever decision she makes in the long run. She will appreciate it, and you will feel better. You can't save her from this train wreck, as much as you might like to, so don't try. She has to sort it all out and heal up herself. Good luck!


----------



## Patty

Oh, and unless you bring it up or your teenagers ask you direct questions about it, they probably haven't even noticed... at least mine seem to live in totally their own bubble world and not care one bit about what their parents or their friends do. If they do bring it up you can always in a respectful way stress that it isn't what you would choose for your friend, or what she would choose for herself either. Divorce/ whatever this is, is a really sad thing for their family or any family to go through, and it is MUCH better to be really sure you reallllly love someone forever and ever before you have sex or kids with them. At which point they will put back their ipod earbuds so they don't have to hear the lecture about blah.... blah.... blahhh


----------

