# scared of making wrong decision, please help



## crisis1008 (Mar 9, 2010)

I am hoping that someone out there can help me gain some clarity in my current situation. 

You see, my husband (47) and I (30) have been married for going on 10 years and now separated for a little over six months. This is the fifth time I have left him, but this time is different. In the past I have always left while enduring overwhelming feelings of sadness, bought into every word he told me about how he had changed and always returned home after only having been gone for somewhere between two days and two weeks. This last time, I knew that I was leaving for good. Something in my brain had snapped and I had no more emotion. This time, it did not hurt. This time it felt good to leave. This time I knew that I was doing the right thing for me, my self esteem, and my sanity.

I was your statistical wife caught up in the cycle of abuse. My husband began showing signs of being the controlling type within about six months into our relationship, but I did not really see it, as we always make excuses and brush off the mistakes our loved ones make in the beginning when they seem small. Everyone makes mistakes and flies off the handle, or overreacts every now and then, right? Well, four years into our marriage, after being verbally, mentally, and emotionally abused every so often without noticing, my husband also became physically abusive. The first incident was extremely dramatic and degrading, but I will spare you all the gruesome details of that particular event. The abuse only worsened from there. Over the past ten years I have been physically abused about five times (never a punch or slap; was choked, kicked, spit-on, nose busted, denied medical attention, dangled in air by one arm, restrained with one arm behind back, face smashed repeatedly into mattress, etc.), was sexually abused two or three times (forced to perform oral sex twice, guilted into taking pornographic photos once), mentally abused continuously (was told repeatedly that my memories were not real, asked where I had come up with things, words severely twisted, told that I lived in my own world and was the mayor of that world), verbally abused continuously (called many horrible, degrading names, etc), and emotionally abused continuously (told I was nothing, would never amount to anything more than trailer trash, that I did not do anything, selfish, that he did not want to have children with me, etc.). To put it in a nutshell, on many days, life living with my husband was hell. I was miserable and walked on eggshells every day, as I did everything from cooking, cleaning, raising his two children from two previous relationships, attending college full-time while working full-time and even adding a second part-time job to my already full schedule, begging for his forgiveness for whatever I may have done wrong to upset him, and more just to hopefully one day gain his approval of me as a wife and mother.

Now, over the course of the last six or seven years of us being together, I saw two therapists on my own and two more therapists with him. To his credit, after the second counselor we saw together threatened to put him in prison for harming me physically, he had not physically abused me since. So, for the last two years while there were a couple of times I was scared that he would, he did not harm me other than backing me up to a corner, once by pushing the tip of my nose with his index finger, and once by pressing his nose to my nose. He did not hurt me then, just scared me. He is a pretty big guy. He is 6’4” and I am 5’4”. The exact foot difference in height can be very intimidating at times.

As I stated before, this time is different. He was not able to talk me into going back home this time. When he would ask me if there was a chance of us getting back together I would say “No.” I never even intended to speak with him after I left his time, but it is very hard when you feel like you are being mean to someone you love as they cry on the other end of the phone, or send you text messages begging and pleading for you to talk to them. I did not leave him because I did not love him. I left him because I wanted to be happy. I wanted to love myself, and not love him anymore. I was thinking with my head rather than my heart. I had almost completely cut my heart right out of the equation. 

I wanted to start a new life immediately, as I felt as though I had wasted the ten best years of my life. My twenties, my youth, was now gone. I felt as though it was stolen from me, as I had nothing to show that I had gained anything from my marriage. I was one week shy of turning 30 when I left him, and did not want to wake up at the age of 40 in the same boat. I even invited another man out for coffee the day after I left him and began a friendship with him over the phone, and did not feel guilty about it at all. I was happy that I was able to see myself moving forward, but all the while have been afraid to actually go through with my divorce. My husband and I have formally filed for a divorce, and I have not been able to commit to my decision to divorce him. Our court date was supposed to have already taken place a few weeks ago, but about one week before the court date I called him and asked him to hold off explaining that I needed to be sure that I knew what I was doing. I got scared because this time he seemed different. 
From the moment I left him six months ago, he has sought counseling and claims to have read two self-help books. He tells me that he has changed. He tells me that he is aware that he was very abusive to me and that I did not deserve any of the mistreatment. He tells me that he knows that he was extremely controlling and that it is his fault that we are in this position. He tells me that it has been very hard for him to accept the fact that he was an abusive husband, but now does and regrets all the pain he has put me through. He tells me that I was the perfect wife and mother, and that he wants to have a baby with me. He tells me that he wants to spend the rest of his life making up for the past and wants to show me the love, respect and appreciation that I have always deserved. He tells me that he owes it to me. He tells me that he has admitted to his friends and family that he was extremely abusive toward me, and that he is prepared to apologize to my family for the way he has treated their daughter and sister. He cries and apologizes to me constantly. I am starting to think that I should give him another chance. One last chance. However, I am afraid to risk it, and am afraid that I will never be able to get over all that he has done to me in the past. It was bad. It was really bad. I do know that with each and every time he hurt me, more and more of my respect for him as a husband disappeared. I don’t know that I have any respect for him at all. I realize that I really was a great wife and mother. I realize that there was never anything wrong with me. I feel so healthy away from him. I want to continue to feel healthy.

The trouble is this time I believe he means every word he says, but what if I am wrong. Every other time that I had left him in the past he told me that I was right and that he would never hurt me again, but within a month or two of my returning home he would simply revert back to his old ways and even tell me that he lied about everything just to get me to come back to him. What if he does mean every word he says, but cannot follow through with being a decent, loving and respectful husband to me? What if he hurts me again? How long will it take me to leave again for good this time? If he is good for the next six months to a year, I would have definitely let my guard down and it may take me another ten years to feel strong and healthy again. But wait! What if he really has changed? What if he really has seen the err of his ways and is prepared to be good to me for the rest of his life? What if he really does have it in him? What if I pass up the opportunity to experience all that I had longed and worked for? What if I divorce him and he gives the great treatment that I deserved to another woman and even gives her a child? What if I wind up realizing that I am totally in-love with him and will never fall out of love with him? What if I never find love again? Then where does that leave me? What if I wind up longing for him forever, as I watch another woman living the life that I should have had? The life that I deserved!

Please, somebody tell me. Should I give my husband another chance?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I dont think you should give him another chance- even if he has really changed. even if he has changed, you are still being abused by being around him. just because he doesnt out-right physically abuse you anymore, you will still have to relive all the abuse over and over just by being around him. His very presence is abusive for you. You will constantly walk on eggshells wondering if this time you triggered him again, wondering how long its going to last. 

so that's why i dont think you should go back. even if he never touches you again, you will always have to relive those nightmares when you're around him. you will always have anxiety that he will snap again. even if he never does. the anticipation of abuse is almost as traumatic as the abuse itself. the only way for you to move on is not to have the constant stimulus of that nightmare with you. Unfortunately for him, all the changes in the world will never remove the fact that he will always be your abuser.


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

crisis1008, I honestly hope he is sorry for the horrible things he did to you over the course of your marriage. I also hope you forgive him for your sake as well as his. That being said though, you simply can't return to this relationship, and to even contemplate bringing a child into this situation is just madness.

At thirty, you are anything but "used up". You are in the prime of your life. Don't worry, when the time is right and your scars have sufficiently healed, you will actually find someone worthy of your love. 

LIL


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## crisis1008 (Mar 9, 2010)

Blanca: I thank you for your response. You have pointed out issues that still do concern me very much. I still do feel extreme anxiety when I am around him. When he asks me any type of questions at all my arms, back and chest begin to ache. I always wonder if he is fishing around for something. Even though I may have done nothing at all, I almost feel as though I had. He used to interrogate me, asking me the same questions using different formats or working over and over again. He would drag it out for days at times. I have expressed every concern that I have to him and he says that he never wants me to feel that way again. I have tried to trust him and relax when we speak, but I haven't been able to let go of the fear as of yet. I do want to believe him, but at the same time I almost wish he would just continue to be the same jerk that he has always been. It would help me to stay away, and not feel as though I should be working toward saving my marriage. There is a part of me now, after having been free to control my own life, that does not want to go back. This makes me feel like a terrible person. I don't want to hurt anymore, but I also don't want to hurt him.


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## crisis1008 (Mar 9, 2010)

Lastinline: Thanks to you as well for taking the time to help me. As far as forgiveness goes, I have forgiven my husband and have expressed my forgiveness to him. I do know that my husband did not wake up every morning and make a conscious decision to hurt me. I do know that he could not really see what he was doing and how badly he was hurting me. Nobody wants to believe that they are an abuser or hurtful to the ones they love. Nobody wants to think of themselves as a bad person.

However, forgiveness is one thing. While I forgive my husband and do not hate him, I cannot seem to get over the things he has done to me. At times, it is even hard for me to accept that I am a victim of every form of spousal abuse that I have knowledge of. At times I feel like I have dreamed this all up, or that I must be exaggerating, or something. I have gone over everything that has happened to me in my head over and over again. I have tried to down-play the things he has done to me in order to make certain that I do not exaggerate reality, but the things that happened really did happen. The were, oh, so very real. They were horrible. I have a habit now of telling my story as if it happened to someone else. I think I do this to keep my emotions in check, but sometimes, like right this moment, the pain and tears just come on like a flash flood. I am not sure that I will ever be able to truly get over what my husband has done to me, and I am not sure that I want to. I don't want to forget, because I always want to be aware of when he, or anybody else, is hurting me again. I never want to allow anyone to treat me that way again, and always want to be able to recognize the signs.

As far as a baby goes, this is the one thing he tells me that I do not believe. The issue involves a very long and hard story for me to relive, but here it goes.

Before my husband and I even got engaged he knew that I planned to have children. He told me that he wanted to have one or two more children with me, as well. He already had two daughters (4 & 14) that he had full custody of. I became insta-mom at 19 years old, and raised his children without any help from their biological mothers. Frequently, I did not have much help from him either. I was a great mom, and he knew it. I wanted to have children right away, and he seemed to as well, but getting pregnant did not come very quickly. 

When I did finally become pregnant at about the age of 21 or 22 (I can't quite remember now), I miscarried. I did not even know that I was pregnant. I think even by that time, my husband became concerned about his age. Afterall, he is 17 years my senior. But screw that! Our age difference was something I'm sure he kicked around in his head for a long time, before asking me to marry him. 

In 2003, he expressed that he wanted me to earn a college degree, saying that due to our age difference he wanted to make sure I could take of myself should something happen to him. I agreed and went back to school full-time. I was still hoping to get pregnant, but while I would miss my period, and count down the number of days that I was late with my mother, I never was. By this time I began seeing an OBGYN about my concerns. He did every test imaginable and said that he could find nothing wrong with me. He wanted to perform one last test, a laparoscopy (minor invasive surgery where a camera is inserted through your belly button to view your reproductive organs). He said he was concerned that I might have endometriosis, and explained that the longer it persists, the more damage is done to your organs and the chances of my having a baby could become nill. He wrote a prescription for my husband to do a semen anaysis, explaining that for insurance purposes, he had to be ruled out as the problem in order to continue with the surgery that I needed. My doctor explained all of this to my husband and he acted as though he understood. About one year later, my husband had not filled the prescription. Then some time later (I can't remember exactly when), my husband got mad at me and somehow the issue of babies had arisen. He proceeded to pull the presecription out of the drawer of an end table in our livingroom and rip it up in my face. While the pieces of paper fell to the ground, he told me, "That's what I think about having children with you." 

Toward the end of my Associates Degree, we discussed babies again, and he told me that he would make a deal with me. He said that we could have a baby after I finished my Bachelor's Degree. I was always scared to go against his opinion, and was simply glad to hear that he was still wanting children that I agreed. But really, I did not want that. You see, halfway through my Associates Degree, I had developed severe anxiety attacks. They were so bad I thought I might die. I was working full-time and schooling full-time, while still maintaining my wifely and motherly duties, without any help from him. He would not cook. He would not clean. He would simply get mad at me for not being able to keep up with putting the laundry away and making boring dinners, and tell me that he did not understand why I was so overwhelmed, because I was only taking four classes. After I finished my Associates Degree, I became too tired to go back right away. My health had faded by this point. I was constantly getting sick. I had contracted mononeucleosis from some of my youngest daughter's friends, and shingles. My doctor said my immune system was very low due to severe stress and anxiety, so while my husband kept hounding me about it, I took the next three years off of school. While I did want to do more with my life professionally, I dreaded the idea of going back to school.

During this three year break from school, I had told him that while we may not be ready to get pregnant right now, my health was a concern. I explained to him that I did not want my reproductive organs to become damaged as time had passed, if I did have in fact have endometriosis. He would tell me to get my doctor to write up another prescription for the semen analysis, but would just find away to get mad at me and rip it up in my face again. He did this to me a total of three times. Two days after the third time he ripped up the prescription, his eldest daughter called wanting money for an abortion claiming she was 22 or 23 weeks pregnant. My husband and I refused to give her the money. Instead, I listened to his conversation with her as he told her to go ahead and have the baby, because he and I would raise it. I was devastated! I thought "How could I be good enough to raise everyone else's children, but not my own?" I left the house and sat in the Home Depot parking lot, as I cried uncontrollably for the next two hours. My oldest step-daughter sadly got the money from my in-laws and terminated her pregnancy.

When I finally when back to school at 29 years old and began working on my Bachelor's Degree, I attempted to dicuss the issue of having a baby with my husband again. I explained to him that my biological clock was ticking. I added that the more time that passes may be damaging my chances to have children, and that I was concerned about how long I would have, as my mother had begun menopause at 35 years old. He asked me where I had come up with the idea that we would have a baby after I finished my Bachelor's Degree, and explained that he agreed to have a baby after I finished Law School. He added that he was now 46 years old and would not have a baby at 50. 

Just a few months before I left him, my sister and my two nephews (infant and toddler) came to live with us for a while. During this time my husband told my brother-in-law that he hoped that having my nephews here would make me not want to have a baby. Call me slow, but I finally realized that my husband never planned to have a baby with me. My world was shattered. I would be getting nothing out of my marriage.

Now all of a sudden, my husband said he wants a baby with me and that he has always wanted a baby with me. He told me that it was just his abusive controlling nature that used it as a tool to get me to finished school and that he was wrong in doing so. It was a bargaining chip for him. I am not sure that I believe him. I don't understand how someone can appear to not want children for several years, and then want a baby so desperately in the turning of one day. I told him that I did not believe him. I told him that if we did end up reconciling, I would not be going to Law School and wanted to wait one year before attempting to get pregnant. With that said, I then instructed him not to speak to me about babies again, because it just made me super angry.


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## New Beginnings (Sep 9, 2009)

I'm sorry but I got two paragraphs into your first post on this thread and couldn't read anymore or felt it was needed because the only thing that hits me is get the heck out of that relationship. When I was seven, my dad beat the living sh*t out of my mother and I remember wrapping my arms around his leg begging him not to leave as he was in the entryway walking out. He picked me up, turned me upside down and dropped me on my head. After he walked out the door, I don't remember crying, just going to find my mom. I went to the bathroom where she and he had fought, and all I remember is all the blood all over the bathroom walls and mirror like he took her face and smashed/dragged her face across the walls. Blood was streaked everywhere. 

That is why I would never raise a hand to a woman no matter what she did. In fact if I ever saw someone hitting a woman or being abusive, regardless of who it was, I would jump them on the spot and give them a lesson they wouldn't forget.

So I have to apologize but I couldn't read anymore without feeling a sense of rage building up for your situation. All I can really say is get the hell out of there and move on. Get a restraining order, file if need be and get on with your life. Your young and have a whole life ahead of you, so don't allow this to happen to yourself ever again.


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## crisis1008 (Mar 9, 2010)

New Beginnings,

I completely understand your method of thinking. I know I should not put myself back in a dangerous situation. I guess what I am trying to figure out is whether or not people who have these sorts of problems can ever truly change. 

My husband constantly tells me that I am always looking at the negative, and that there are many success stories out there.

Aside from needing assurance that a person with issues of this can change, I am also wondering if the way that my husband has treated me over the years has made me fall out of love with him. There are times when I look at him and feel like I do want to be with him, but then there are times where I look at him with disgust and never want to see him again.

I am torn, and if one can truly change, or has truly changed, should I be giving my marriage another try? Should I want to work it out? I also don't want to divorce my husband, then realize later on that he actually has changed and that I can't live without him. If this is the case, then what if he meets someone else and falls in love with her? What if he won't take me back later on? I really wish I knew what I even wanted. All of my friends and family tell me not to go back, but his closest friends tell me that he has changed and is miserable without me.


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## taorereiti (Dec 1, 2010)

crisis1008 said:


> I am hoping that someone out there can help me gain some clarity in my current situation.
> 
> You see, my husband (47) and I (30) have been married for going on 10 years and now separated for a little over six months. This is the fifth time I have left him, but this time is different. In the past I have always left while enduring overwhelming feelings of sadness, bought into every word he told me about how he had changed and always returned home after only having been gone for somewhere between two days and two weeks. This last time, I knew that I was leaving for good. Something in my brain had snapped and I had no more emotion. This time, it did not hurt. This time it felt good to leave. This time I knew that I was doing the right thing for me, my self esteem, and my sanity.
> 
> ...


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## taorereiti (Dec 1, 2010)

Hi 
After reading your message I felt the pain you are going thru. I am a married man and i have been married to my first wife (and the last) for 22 years and initially in our married life I was abusive and no matter how many times I promised my wife that I would change so she could come back to me after leaving me (several times) I DID NOT CHANGE.......I NEED A MIRACLE IN MY LIFE TO CHANGE bcos I knew one day my wife will never return. After that MIRACLE, I was a loving and caring husband for 22 years with four beautiful children.

I don't think your husband would ever change and from your message you mentioned that he had two failed marriages, no wonder those former wives have left him......He needs the same miracle in order for him to change. 

For me I prefer that your marriage be restored and if you are really interested in restoring your marriage then email me [email protected]. I believe that the same miracle that happened to me can happen to your husband.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

crisis1008 said:


> New Beginnings,
> 
> I completely understand your method of thinking. I know I should not put myself back in a dangerous situation. I guess what I am trying to figure out is whether or not people who have these sorts of problems can ever truly change.
> 
> ...


People absolutely can change....but they have to want to and work at it. It's not a switch that he can flip. His abusive patterns permeate everything does with you from the way he speaks to you to his basic expectations for how a household runs. It doesn't sound like he has any intention of DOING anything to change. He's just very sorry and if you come back, it will all be different. This time. Not like those other times when he was sorry and it would all be different if you just came back, of course. 

If he were serious about changing, there would be counseling, a plan for what he would do when he's mad or when you're scared, etc. I'm guessing that "the plan" is pretty much that you'll come home and be expected to be totally affectionate and normal because all the bad is in the past...

And given your history, it absolutely makes sense that you're not in love with him anymore. Your relationship is based on power and control, not respect and consideration....why would you stay in love with that? You've spent a long time being conditioned to be afraid, etc. and that's not an environment where love can thrive. We all ultimately are responsible for ourselves, if he's miserable and unhappy, that's not your responsibility, your fault or really, your problem. You deserve to do what it takes for YOU to be healthy and happy.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Crisis what you are going through is classic for an abuse victim. You are doubting your preception and identifying with him against yourself. It's called Stockholm syndrome when people in prison camps identify with their captors. It happened to Patty Hurst when she was kidnapped. It is difficult to get away and come back to reality without help. Do you have family or friends who can help you break the cycle of abuse? Before you make any decision to go back to this man read all you can on spousal abuse you will recognize yourself and gain some perspective about why you are letting pressed to to go back to again and again. 

There is also help in your community for battered women. You must break away from this man. 

You were manipulated by him because you were too young to know that he was using you as a housekeeper, mother to his kids, whipping boy and sex object. He had it planned the the beging he picked a woman who he knew was too much of a child to recognize his plan. An older woman would have divorced as soon as he implimented his plan because they would have known better. So he picked a child because he knew he could lie and manipulate you. You are no longer 19 you have been to College, seen more of people and normal relationships. You know intellectually what you shold do but you are behaving like someon hypnotized.

I can tell one thing he dose not want a child, he knows he is too old now and he never wanted one. So he lied to get you to accept him. He married a innocent 19 yo girl knowing that he was an abuser and knowing he did not want children. If you knew his true nature would you have married him. Then why do you feel sorry for him when you will not pgive yourself the support you need.

That man who is crying false tear is the same one who knew he was stealing your youth and taking advantage of you. And you actually feel sorry for him and not enraged at what he took from you? He should cry for you because of what he did. If indeed he feels and sorrow it is for himself because he cant manipulate you anymore. He deserves to feel the pain for what he has done. You have been enslaved for 10 years you are smart enough not to go back to master. 

You may not know since have been in prison but, 50yo men usually do not want children if they already have them. They know what it entails and are finished with that part of thier lives so he is lying and manipulating you by telling you he now wants a child at his age. If he did not want one when he was younger he certainly does not want one now.

If you go back you will live exactly like you have been living with no child. When you are middle-aged you will have to take care of an old man. That's what is training you for now, all part of his master plan and kids do not come into it. He looking at old age and he plans to have a lawyer and nursemaid to take care of him.

Do you still want to be used for his master plan? You will become bitter and you will regret your decision not to leave. You can read the stories of many women who are nursing old men that they married who were 20 yrs older when they were too young to think about the consequences. 

You have the chance to have the life you should have had full of love with an honest good man. Don't marry a man in his 40s next time, marry a man who will go through the same stages of life as you. When a man is older you are out of sync, when you were a teenager you should have dated guys her own age to learn what you wanted in a man. Instead you married a man who was at a stage where he was looking for a mother for his kids. 

So you had to give up an important part of your development. If you were with a man your own age now, he would be ready to have kids now just like you. Your much older husband is looking at old age and retirement not starting a new life. I hope you remain strong. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sbbs (Sep 21, 2009)

You should definitely NOT give this guy another chance. No way in Hell. Never. Never, ever, ever.

As everyone else in this thread has pointed out, your husband is an abuser. About 2 months ago, I fled from my abusive husband, myself. I understand some of the thoughts and feelings you've been having.

First off--you're nowhere close to being dried up and beyond having a chance at a good life. No-one really is, I think. But you certainly aren't, at the incredibly advanced age of 30. 

Second--remember all that rage and fear you felt before? All the walking on eggshells, the sense of being violated, the horrible dread of seeing him each day? If you go back, that's what you'll have. Over and over and over again.

Third--Of course your husband is being super sweet right now. He's doing just enough to get you to succumb, so he can keep his thumb on you when you go back. If you go back to him, you'll feel truly crushed. Not only will he go back to being his usual abusive self, but you'll feel that your spirit is broken. You'll feel much, much better--both about your prospects in life and who you are as a person--if you leave the marriage for good. 

Like you, even though I know I've done the right thing, I feel kind of shaky. PM me if you'd like to talk. Maybe we can help each other stay strong as we go through really separating from our husbands.


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