# H cheated, wants a baby to R, I rather D and move to Hawaii



## arandomlady (Jan 18, 2014)

Hello everyone. I am a transfer from CWI- if interested see 
( Husband ended affair, other woman shows up at our home to confront). 

Well its turns out after nearly 12 years of marriage, stbxh decides to have an affair, then tries to false R multiple times and now attempts to give me an ultimatum that he wont try for true R unless I agree to have a child/ children with him which will show him I am not holding anything against him. Needless to say I declined and preparing for divorce…

The history on this is that after years of marriage and some feminine health issues found its not wise for me to not try and but the main reason is that after much thought and evaluation of what I wanted, I came to conclusion I actually did not want to have children not withstanding financial struggles with h. 

This decision was finalized about 4-5 years ago and I discussed with him at that time on several occasions if this is a deal breaker I totally understand and we can part ways as I cant compromise on this. ( he has 3 children already late teens to mid 20s, I do not want to adopt either). He assured me he didn’t need children to be with me.

After the affair, the o/w coming to my house and the subsequent nonsense, I had put off leaving stbxh for several reasons one to give him a chance and I hadn’t known anything else didn’t want to just throw away the marriage without trying. In case stbxh didn’t show remorse and do the work needed to restore things I had plan to save money and leave when the time was right for me preferably before fall. 

So after seeing h had no real remorse and fact he was often defiant, I began looking for the exit but being ambivalent about the marriage towards him all while looking to transfer. After a few false listings a prime one came up for Hawaii in which I am currently a candidate and trying to get the position. 

The h has no idea. I have not unpaused our marriage since I suspected the affair and I believe he continues to see the o/w and also online dates so I will not resume anything and he is very frustrated and acting out with this last stunt being the latest.

Anyway as ridiculous as this scenario is, I am still very upset with the prospect of being single again but ready to end this once and for all and wondering a few things:

if any one has experience with pro se divorce with no kids any tips…
any ideas of how to get by emotionally, ease pain and loneness ...
has anyone divorced and not spoken to their x ever again after it was final …

I am feeling heartbroken and worry about my ability to attract the right person in the future if I can even have a meaning relationship …


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## DiamondsandRust (Jan 21, 2014)

if you have no kids, move on. it is harder with kids. if i didnt have kids it would have been easy for me to leave my cheating wife. 

i didnt leave her, she left me. 

having kids is not easy when you divorce, i'm always worried where they are and what is going on with them. 

even though you been married 12 years, if i was in your shoes, i would leave and never look back. no one deserves to be betrayed. 
if he showed no remorse, and now forcing you to have a child. he will never change. he probably cares for you to want you around, but not enough to respect you. by forcing you to get pregnant he will have total control over the situation and you will be stuck at home for the next year or so. and with a baby, you wont be able to make a move that easy.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

Hey RandomLady! Count your lucky stars! Run, run away...hopefully to Hawaii!

Kids make it far harder, though they do ease the loneliness. They also create a tie that you might not want.

As far as the loneliness goes? Imo, being lonely is far better than being in a bad relationship. When my marriage broke up, I ended up moving 7000 miles away (with the kids) and am in the process of building a new life. I have met some fabulous female friends through networking, meet ups etc. There are so many of us out there, and most are looking for friends, esp. single friends. I started dating again (about 8 months post break up) and am having a blast. I haven't spoken to the stbx since October, having limited all conversation to email and would love to keep it that way. Unfortunately, that isn't going to happen as we get closer to the filing date.

So, chin up. Don't be afraid. Reframe that into excitement for the adventure you are going to embark on. Sure, there will be times of distress and loneliness but the end result will be worth it. You are going to learn just how strong you are and how much you deserve someone who respects you and wants to be with you...on terms that you can live with.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

What a horrible thing to do to an innocent child. Makes me sad to think that a man like this would want to create a child.


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## arandomlady (Jan 18, 2014)

DiamondsandRust said:


> if you have no kids, move on. it is harder with kids. if i didnt have kids it would have been easy for me to leave my cheating wife.
> 
> i didnt leave her, she left me.
> 
> ...


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Its a no brainer to D now for sure. This thing was ongoing at first because I wasn't exactly clear of what I wanted plus he was manipulating to the point I was actually though only a slightly still considering R 95% against/ 5% for with right behaviors

Bascially I was remaining stationary to save money because after most of marriage of h not being financially stable he is now making a good income and I am in debt with 401k loan I took out to save our home...

I was not going to D until I got a transfer to new location then I was going to start the proceeding because didn't want to tip him off since wanted him to continue paying bills to include mortgage and ch13 bankruptcy trustee...


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## arandomlady (Jan 18, 2014)

Fenix said:


> Hey RandomLady! Count your lucky stars! Run, run away...hopefully to Hawaii!
> 
> Kids make it far harder, though they do ease the loneliness. They also create a tie that you might not want.
> 
> ...


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Its good to know you are doing better with your children and being strong for them. I am hoping and praying I get this as it would be definitely a new start for sure.

There are other locations I am willing to consider if this one falls though but this is #1 given the fact I wont take anything with me but my car and expect a drastic downsizing of my current lifestyle. 

Truth be told, I could stay here and be in a pretty cool place and change or lifestyle too but prefer a different scene altogether...

I married very young and H was first everything which is what makes it hard. Still, I know its not the end of the world but doesn't hurt any less.


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## arandomlady (Jan 18, 2014)

Hicks said:


> What a horrible thing to do to an innocent child. Makes me sad to think that a man like this would want to create a child.


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Its interesting, I found in the past thread after revealing aspects of marriage come to find out I was dealing with a passive aggressive man who I unwittingly mothered. Add to that a apathetic wife who was naïve and afraid a recipe for disaster.

The fact the stbxh would even think this is a remote possibility especially with the affair aftermath with his lack of remorse is breathtakingly absurd. 

Filling D is all obvious now but it wasn't initially when this all happened just about 5 months ago...


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## Pamvhv (Apr 27, 2014)

He wants you to have a baby so you'll be stuck. You're way too much of a flight risk right now with nothing to hold you back.


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## arandomlady (Jan 18, 2014)

Pamvhv said:


> He wants you to have a baby so you'll be stuck. You're way too much of a flight risk right now with nothing to hold you back.


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What I cant understand is how does he think I would come close to considering this when I had refused to R in the first place until I saw what I needed. after a while I didn't expect anything anymore my not filing was just a farce to make him believe there still was a chance so he would pay most of the bills and I wold save money to ultimately leave .

Its like he is not being logically about the situation. I didn't want children preaffair, so certainly will not change my mind now that things have deteriorated to this level. DUH

Now just looking for pointers for people who are going thru divorce with things like residency after filing, community property division when going pro se divorce...

obviously I have researched and continue to do that but would like to hear from people actually doing it.


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## Sammy64 (Oct 28, 2013)

"anymore my not filing was just a farce to make him believe there still was a chance so he would pay most of the bills and I wold save money to ultimately leave "

You were just letting him pay the bills ? Really.. 

My STBXW had stolen money from me for years, and to hear something like this is just bad MoJo... I wont use the words i used to describe her, but....


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## arandomlady (Jan 18, 2014)

Sammy64 said:


> "anymore my not filing was just a farce to make him believe there still was a chance so he would pay most of the bills and I wold save money to ultimately leave "
> 
> You were just letting him pay the bills ? Really..
> 
> My STBXW had stolen money from me for years, and to hear something like this is just bad MoJo... I wont use the words i used to describe her, but....


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I financially carried us throughout out the marriage, willingly because I loved stbxh and believed in him. It seems that the moment he got a great paying job, he felt I was expendable...

He made me believe we still had a marriage all the while I was taking out loans against my 401k to save our home which he now wants to keep in the divorce...

He refuses to help pay back these loans to my account even though he had promised to when things got better, instead he cheats on me, gives me this ultimatum then tells me to basically pound sand when I am stuck with the loan coming out of paycheck...

I seem calculating but keep in mind I didn't want to end the marriage, not until an upsetting chain of events occurred..

I am not sure of what your situation was and I am sorry you got burned, but there is more that meets the eye in this scenario.


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## Sammy64 (Oct 28, 2013)

I understand what you are saying. I am/was the main bread winner in my family, and she had a good city job. But that never seemed to stop her by stealing family money from me/us. I use to take out loans and even a 401K to pay for bills, but never counted on her to pay them back, but to maybe help to cover other bills during the month so i could put more money into my loans. But to hang out so someone else can pay my bills/loans again is bad Mojo. I finally realized that and got her out of my life as fast as she could get out of my house.


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## arandomlady (Jan 18, 2014)

Sammy64 said:


> I understand what you are saying. I am/was the main bread winner in my family, and she had a good city job. But that never seemed to stop her by stealing family money from me/us. I use to take out loans and even a 401K to pay for bills, but never counted on her to pay them back, but to maybe help to cover other bills during the month so i could put more money into my loans. But to hang out so someone else can pay my bills/loans again is bad Mojo. I finally realized that and got her out of my life as fast as she could get out of my house.


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I'm not stealing money, he is paying for the asset he wishes to keep, paying the trustee for his back child support which is all that is really left in the ch 13 bankruptcy at this point. I simply refuse to shore up things like I have in the past when he is netting twice what I am now and there is no future in the relationship because of his actions. there is a difference. 

Anyway, Its not just that, I was stalling because I truly had hoped stbxh would snap out of it. I didn't leave as soon as I found out about the affair. I didn't even leave when I found out he was still talking to the o/w even after she showed up to my house...

This really hurts because of all I have put into this for so long yes I am including the financial. I am trying to get out of this situation ASAP. its not like I plan to live like this in perpetuity, the opposite.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

RL, If you are looking for a new jurisdiction in which to live, the things to consider are:
1)Time to establish residency, if necessary for filing
2)Required time of separation
3) Fault vs no fault and which is better in your specific situation
4) women friendly courts?
5) Cost of living etc....all the normal stuff.

eta:
Since you have been married only 12 years, were working during this time and have no kids, it should be a pretty easy process... So, the first two considerations are the most important.


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## mg2977 (Mar 20, 2013)

RL,

I have followed your other thread, but the title of this thread resonated with me as I have been in your shoes.

Do not have a baby with this man, no matter how much you still love him, as it will only be a band aid not a cure for his lying and cheating. Plus you will now be tied to him. This is all about control and he probably thinks that if you have a baby, he will come home, things will go back to "normal" and he will be absolved of his sins and everyone will think he is a great guy. He is attempting to control and manipulate you, do not fall for it!! 

I know this bc my STBXH did this to me, begging me until February (I filed for D in November 2012, but it isnt final yet). He had been begging me for a year to have a baby bc "if you get pregnant she (OW) will go away" and he would have "dreams about us having a family together" while he was sleeping in a bed with the OW and lots of other sicko statements. When I finally tired of saying no and then ignoring him, I finally snapped at him in January and said "fine but whose sperm are we using because I do not think your DNA should be carried on". He was stunned silent. And the only reason he stopped badgering me about getting pregnant was because his OW got accidentally pregnant on purpose but did not tell him until she was 14 weeks along (the idiot did not realize her body was changing). These people are hot messes!! 

So even if you want a family someday ( I so wish I had children), this guy would not be a model father, in my opinion.

Just D, move on, I know 12 years is a long time but just rip the band aid off and get it over with, as depending on how cooperate your H is he may stall the D proceedings. Also since your H has filed for Chapter 13 bankruptcy protection, this may effect the D. I do not remember if you have consulted a lawyer or not? If not do so now, have the papers drawn up and you can always wait to have him served but I think you may feel better once this ball is rolling.


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## arandomlady (Jan 18, 2014)

Fenix said:


> RL, If you are looking for a new jurisdiction in which to live, the things to consider are:
> 1)Time to establish residency, if necessary for filing
> 2)Required time of separation
> 3) Fault vs no fault and which is better in your specific situation
> ...


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I’m in a no fault community property state with no separation period required. I am checking into the state I might transfer to but its likely I will try to get it done before I go. Things I’m curious about are like how long do I have in the marital home before I move out. I don’t want the home and I think we can agree on the personal property and cars division. I doubt I will need an atty since no children.

The only issue is that we are in ch 13 bankruptcy together. I went over this in the other thread but assuming h just pays the monthly fee, there is really no need to do anything there. If he defaults, then I have to try to remove myself by filing ch7 then I have to overcome income restriction and it becomes a real debacle.

I don’t expect to walk away with anything. The only thing I really wanted is for h to pay back half of 401k loan in my name I used for household expenses ( I was told before I should not bring up since h is actually entitled to half the total value). I wont press the issue since I’m paying myself but it is an expense that will affect my take home pay for a couple of years. I thinks its unfair he doesn’t think he has to pay half the loan even though it was used when he was out of work for me to make bills…

Stbxh lives and works out od state most of the time coming here on rotation days off. He may try to be dirty now since there is no attempt for R now. He is due home tomorrow night unless he decides not to but despite all the fights we have had even when told not to he shows up like clockwork.

I would not be surprised if he doesn’t try to have it all done in hours because he drew a line in the sand and my line has remained for years on the kid issue… fine by me, I just rather not move out of the marital home until move out for the job transfer as it will be easier. 

I pay all the utilities and car insurance he pays the mortgage and trustee which are the larger of the expenses. I am hoping I get the transfer, if so I could be out in a matter of weeks its just really depends.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

You will need an attorney. The money you think you will save by not having a lawyer handle the D will cost you 10 fold more when you WH finds out you are dumping him. 

A you seem way too trusting and lack the instincts of self protection. Plus, your financial situation is complex. The attorney you have now is not capable of representing you in a D. That is not their speciality.

Please get the money to consult and engage a lawyer early on. You need to get documents and plans together before filling. Your husband will not cooperate once he is served. 

You need to get ready before you serve. Your husband can easily leave you holding the Ch13 bag and the loan. You have to have proof about how you spent the money.


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## arandomlady (Jan 18, 2014)

mg2977 said:


> RL,
> 
> I have followed your other thread, but the title of this thread resonated with me as I have been in your shoes.
> 
> ...


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I am sorry that you resonate with this scenario do but appreciate the insight nonetheless. No the kid issue was a big one. I felt bad that I didn’t know at 23 when we married that I didn’t want them. I took for granted he had kids already and wanted them to be focused on plus I wasn’t really interested in being a mom then, and the years rolled by.

So when I needed a serious fibroid surgery at about 30 ( I’m 35), the dr was like I needed to have a kid before removing them as it could be a problem if I tried to afterwards. It was do or die, I had been leaning towards not wanting them and had told him that years prior but were faced with the decision that was imminent in the dr office. There was no way I was going to hurry and have a baby for medical reasons or love when its not what I wanted… h seemed like he understood.

My family and others told me then that h would pull this wanting kids thing and that I should have ended the marriage if he expressed any interest in kids. He didn’t really except when friends were having babies then it was like when are we… I feel like they were right and now he is trying the frame the failure of the marriage on this instead of his cheating and our incompatibility…FML

No there is no chance of me having a baby with him or anyone because I’m certain it is not the life I want for myself. I just know it isn’t and am not willing to compromise though I am generally very accommodating ( you read the other thread).

I rather not pay for a D attorney. When I consulted one the main thing was what was going to happen with the bankruptcy. The D will be uncontested and hoping we can just file it when he gets here. I am ready to move forward.


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## arandomlady (Jan 18, 2014)

Catherine602 said:


> You will need an attorney. The money you think you will save by not having a lawyer handle the D will cost you 10 fold more when you WH finds out you are dumping him.
> 
> A you seem way too trusting and lack the instincts of self protection. Plus, your financial situation is complex. The attorney you have now is not capable of representing you in a D. That is not their speciality.
> 
> ...


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I have actual consulted 2 attys on this and have all the financials. the ch13 is child support arrears and we are halfway through it. the consumer stuff was thrown out to make room to get the plan approved according to our joint income at the time.

the atty advised if h defaults I need to file ch7, he is not likely to because if he doesn't he could go to jail on the child support...If he does default, atty says have I file 7 to protect against the consumer stuff thrown out previously

I have another atty on standby through my dad that is very good with contentious divorces but will only use in case of emergency since expensive plus I rather not have my dad help unless its absolutely necessary.

The 401k loan I consider a wash I was just stating what I would like to happen. I have reviewed the paperwork for the uncontested and it seems pretty straightforward unless he gets stupid but nonetheless I will be prepared


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