# Advice? Am I doing the right thing? So confused!



## TemperToo (Apr 23, 2011)

My husband and I are separating. Actually, I am moving back home because I am unhappy here, and in my marriage.

I suppose a "quick as possible" background is necessary.....

We've been married almost 12 years, he's been in the Army for nearly 17 years. We married at 20 and 23....I brought my son into the marriage, he brought in his two children, and we've had one together (and we've adopted each others children, so we legally have 4 between us and there are no ex involved.) He's always had temper issues, blows up unexpectedly and yells and screams. There has been times he's been borderline physical with the kids, never with me. I have determined that I am co-dependent, which is why I've put up with it so long. He is definitely emotionally abusive to all of us and has been for the entire marriage. Communication has been an issue too.

We are both seeing counselors, separately....and have seen them together. My counselor basically says I need to leave him. I'm not sure what his counselor says. 

I've cried and sobbed and hurt, but I am moving back home. I do not want a divorce.....at the most I want a legal separation. I feel he owes me the benefits at least until I can get a job and get settled. 

But I think I might want to stay in this relationship (still moving.) I'm just not sure! If he can change (yes, I know) then I am more than willing to stay in the marriage. He fully admits his faults. He admits that he's not been a nice person, and that he doesn't have a great relationship with the kids (who are excited about the move.) BUT I've heard it all before. He changes for a few weeks, months, whatever! But he can't sustain it. It's like being nice kills him.

I've told him I'm moving as soon as the kids get out of school. I don't have a job yet, or a place to go.......but I'm applying to gobs of places already and have found a place to buy (my mom will help me co-sign.) 

He's being very cordial about the whole thing. He doesn't agree with me leaving, but he knows he can't stop me. (I think he honestly thinks I'm not going to go.)

I guess I really just need to take this one day at a time with no expectations. I just don't know. But I do know I'm tired of hurting.....


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## TemperToo (Apr 23, 2011)

Maybe I just need to type this all out. I honestly don't know what I want. If I want the relationship to end or not. I guess I"m just confused and wondering IF this situation might actually work to keep us together......or it might drive us more apart.....


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## Doc (Apr 14, 2011)

TemperToo sorry to hear that. I know how hard is the military and specific on the family. I’m also in the army 14 yrs now; right now I’m in my 4th deployment in Iraq. My wife got on an EA twice, and we are trying to work it out. My wife told me that I have change and usually with every deployment, and she also told me that I have temper issues, that I blows up unexpectedly, I yell and scream; usually toward the kids. 

I’m a really quiet person, usually I don’t talk too much, and I don’t have a close friend. Last month when I went on leave "R&R" I got counseled by the commander, he was asking me what are my plans for those 2 wks, but in one of the questions he stop and look at me and told me that I’m a loner. Somehow that word I been stock in my mind since then. I look at myself and I only see work, don’t have time for fun, just work to provide to the family. 

In the Army we are under a lot of stress, we follow to many rules and regulations on our lives and that is what we breath; it’s hard to go home and relax, we been train to have everything organized, to meet the standards. But at home we can’t apply the same rules you are not a soldier, so when we try to express our self we just blow up.

When I’m deployed I usually in stress, not for the combat part, but for the family at home, don’t know if the kids and my wife are ok, etc. When I get home from the deployment is also stressful, is a new learning process, she is been taking care of the family and done everything in the house for a year, I don’t know where most of the stuff is. I get to the house and is a mess, and I see them doing nothing about it, I tell the kids to clean their rooms and I feel like talking to the wall, and I feel like they don’t respect me, and I start to yell and scream. I don’t mean to yell or scream, and like your husband I know that have to fix this problem. When I was on leave I ask my kids to help me, cleaning the house and they did it without complaining and I told them that I was gratefully for their help, and I ask them why they did it they told me because I wasn’t yelling at them.

Being a medic I seen the sad part of the deployments. I never let my wife know how I feel, I just keep it too myself, don’t want her to be worried while I’m deploy. I’m working on my communication with her, its hard when I have 30min on the phone and too many people around, or she is working. But she knows that I’m trying to change that part on me, and is going to take time.

I’m sorry that I can’t give you a good advice. I’m only can tell you as a Soldier how we feel inside.

I’m surprise that your counselor is telling you to leave your husband, does he counseled him too?

Have you tried to have counseling together other than individually?

How many deployments your Husband has done? During any of the deployments something drastic happen?

It don’t look like any of you want a separation; I believe both of you need to communicate more, he needs to open up and express himself let you know how he feel and he need to know how do you feel too.


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## TemperToo (Apr 23, 2011)

Thank you for your input, Doc. My husband does sound a little like you....he's definitely a loner and has no friends. 

He's only been deployed twice, most recently in 2008. The only catastrophic event that happened while he was deployed (that he's told me about) was that he developed Crohns disease while overseas. I do honestly think that does contribute to the deterioration to our relationship, but there were problems before this.

One of his issues is that he has VERY LITTLE empathy for anyone or anything, including me and the kids. He admits to this. If any of us "screw up," we are dead to him. He has disowned our daughter because she sneaked out of the house..... I very highly doubt the military made him this way.

He has always accused me of cheating on him, even though I NEVER even came close. Until 2008 anyway. I did not have sex with the person, but was very drunk and was in a bad place at the wrong time and did not stop things quick enough. I fully admit my fault in that situation. When he came home I told him about it, he blew up, left me, but then "forgave" me and came back. About 6 months after that things were good, but then they have deteriorated at a much faster pace than before. He admitted to the counselor that he still has resentment over that and he believes he will be unable to get past it ever. I have certainly NOT found myself in a situation like that again.....

Things are actually very cordial between us right now. Which makes looking at leaving even worse. He knows me, and I know him.....he's being nice because he thinks I will change my mind. Usually I do. Usually I believe him when he says he will change. But then it's the same ****e all over again within a few months. I've begged him to tell me what *I* can do to change or work on things to make them better and his answer is always the same: I'm a very wonderful, loving, caring person that has put up with years of abuse from him and its him and not me. 

What can I work with there? Nothing.


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## TemperToo (Apr 23, 2011)

I'm trying to do some reading on co-dependency/borderline/narcissistic behaviors. It seems that he has qualities of all three of those, but not ALL the indicators of any of them. I suppose it's possible that he has a mild form of one or all of those issues. Heck, I could too, to be honest.

I just wonder if there really could be a HEALTHY relationship between a co-dependent and a borderline personality? (Not that he will EVER get diagnosed.....)

Sigh....

I feel like I'm mostly talking to myself in here.


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## TemperToo (Apr 23, 2011)

I talked to my best friend tonight (who is definitely encouraging me to move) and she said I shouldn't label myself. She doesn't think I am co-dependent, she just thinks I'm too loyal for him. Don't all best friends think the best? Haha.

I have mentioned my assumed co-dependency to my counselor and she didn't really say anything about it. I suppose I will bring it up again tomorrow.

I was feeling really sad again earlier tonight. I still love the man.....I know I always will no matter what. But I just don't know if we are good for each other. I wanted to just throw my arms around him and hold him tonight. But I think if I get close to him like that, it will make leaving harder. He did ask for sex yesterday and I told him to give me some time. I am still hurt from his most recent outburst. He shoved my 13 year old into the wall....

I hate this.......


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

TemperToo said:


> I talked to my best friend tonight (who is definitely encouraging me to move) and she said I shouldn't label myself. She doesn't think I am co-dependent, she just thinks I'm too loyal for him. Don't all best friends think the best? Haha.
> 
> I have mentioned my assumed co-dependency to my counselor and she didn't really say anything about it. I suppose I will bring it up again tomorrow.
> 
> ...


So he's physically abusing the kids, and you're still there why? Shouldn't he be on his own somewhere, working on himself?

C


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## TemperToo (Apr 23, 2011)

Well, apparently it wasn't enough abuse for the counselors to report it, I did tell them. My son wasn't (physically) hurt. Mentally, no doubt, but not physically. This is the first time he's put a hand on the kids in about 7 years.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

What I'm saying is that as a responsible parent, no matter how you might like the guy or not, it seems your role should be to protect the kids, emotionally and physically. And keeping them in an environment like that doesn't seem to be safe.

C


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

When you describe his personality, it just seems like so few people like this every find their way to be capable of the emotional closeness you crave. My older brother and I grew up in a very rough childhood. We both moved out of that world and into the kind've life we wanted. However, he's the detached loner. I'll admit that I sometimes struggle with empathy, but I crave the closeness with others.

With the children that my brother's wife brought into the marriage, my brother tried, up to a point. But his parenting made me very uncomfortable. Once they moved on, he basically wrote them off. His daughter, on the other hand is closer. Still, my brother's wife said it bothers him a little when I visit. We're pretty close. I even fumbled my way through the rituals of their faith to become her godfather. After a brief, heated debate with the priest in front of the congregation, I relented and agreed to his objectionable assertion that I would raise the child in the holy roman faith if the father died, but only after the priest changed the oath to include relitgious diversity. My point of contention was that I was protestant. They should've discussed these things beforehand. Now, the stupid recording gets shown at every family event. But I'm not about to lie in an oath to god. 

Anyway, not sure how I got into that discussion but I think I teach my neice that silliness is okay, and hugs are cool. 

That's the point. You want the children to be raised in an environment that he can't support. It doesn't make him a bad person, and it doesn't make you bad for needing to remove them from that environment. It just needs to happen. When they are in an environment that includes pushing and avoidance, you have to turn it into a practical decision of what's good for them.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

You both need to get into MC together, period. It is great (I really want to emphasize how great) that you both have been to counseling independantly, but you need to both be doing it together as well. There are also a few books you should look into:

"Boundaries" (Or, "Boundaries in Marriage", an off-shoot of the original)
"Love must be Tough"
"The Five Love Languages"

If you think you are co-dependant, then you probably are, and I bet your husband is too. You already know that this isn't healthy. He has anger issues he should work through as well. What I am getting at is that you both have issues, probably more than what you have described here, that are perfectly resolvable, and they are likely the culprit behind most of your marital problems. You say you love the man, he is the father of your children, and you recognize that if he could change (and I assume, if you could change as well) then you would love to stay in the marriage and continue growing forward. So my thought is that you should forgive the marriage difficulties for the moment and focus on the individual issues. You focus on YOUR issues and encourage him to focus on his issues. Commit to that for now, as long as there aren't any major red flags being raised (physical abuse, drug/alcohol abuse, adultery, gambling/porn addiction, etc.) and give that some time. When you are both healthier adults, you'll be able to tackle the marriage problems head on and likely be far more successful.


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## TemperToo (Apr 23, 2011)

Thanks for the input. 

We did do MC together. Recently and several years ago. Several years ago we tried to read the 5 love languages.....well, I read it and he skimmed a bit after much prompting from me. It wasn't something that worked for us because he never told me what his "type" was and he never tried to appeal to mine.

Focusing on us as individuals is exactly what I think we should do. I just don't think we can do it together anymore. It hasn't worked up until this point, and we've been struggling throughout the entire marriage. You are right that there are issues on both sides that I haven't gotten into here because it would take three hours to type out. But when I ask him what I can do to work on the relationship from my end he says there is nothing. He says I am a wonderful person and that he's the one with the problem. I have tried and tried to get him to tell me SOMEthing I can work on, but he won't.

Halien - Thank you for your input too. My husband had a hard childhood growing up as well, and I see his siblings showing some of the same characteristics as well. Either way, I know this is best for the kids, and for us, ultimately. Doesn't make it any easier.

He asked for sex and I gave in this morning (sorry for the TMI.) Now I REALLY wish I hadn't done that. It seems like he just "switched" his love for me off completely, and that hurt. I don't understand how someone can do that. Sure wish I could.....


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

TemperToo said:


> He asked for sex and I gave in this morning (sorry for the TMI.) Now I REALLY wish I hadn't done that. It seems like he just "switched" his love for me off completely, and that hurt. I don't understand how someone can do that. Sure wish I could.....


If it helps, try to understand that this is not always deliberate for his type. Even interactions far above the subtle were so confusing to me as a young man. In my family, acts of kindness or tenderness were treated like a sign of weakness. I hated that, but the only comparison I had was television until I met my wife. 

You'd like to believe, however, that after he learned that many people crave closeness afterwards, that he would seek to change. If he doesn't, then it becomes a real factor in your decisions. T me, it was pretty intuitive, although quite a change from the college love life.

Probably, my closest parallel was in mornings. To me, Saturday mornings were a time to get things done. My wife liked relaxing, though. Quiet togetherness. Now, I consider myself a connoisseur of mornings. Before my wife and I separated, I'd wake an hour before her, cook breakfast, grind coffee beans, and plug the coffee maker into the cabinet I built on our bedroom porch. The smell of coffee would wake her. If it wasn't for the manic urge to murder me about once a week, we'd still be enjoying our mornings together.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

TemperToo said:


> I talked to my best friend tonight (who is definitely encouraging me to move) and she said I shouldn't label myself. She doesn't think I am co-dependent, she just thinks I'm too loyal for him. Don't all best friends think the best? Haha.
> 
> I have mentioned my assumed co-dependency to my counselor and she didn't really say anything about it. I suppose I will bring it up again tomorrow.
> 
> ...


Honestly, I don't think the labels matter much at all. You can decide that you're co-dependent or purple-spotted and it all still boils down to one thing...you need to decide whether or not you're going to take a stand and protect your kids and yourself or not. Just because this incident wasn't reportable doesn't mean that your husband won't do it again. He's already verbally and emotionally abusive, you said he'd been violent in the past....why wait for you or your kids to BE harmed any more?

As far as he goes, it doesn't really matter what label you or anyone else decides to put on him either. Whether he's a narcissist or borderline or just a chronic jerk....he's not taking accountability for any of it and he's not making any effort to change anything or get better.

It's like they say in recovery--if nothing changes, nothing changes. You're going to have to be the one to change...


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## TemperToo (Apr 23, 2011)

Just a quick update. Things have been FINE, in fact he's actually being a little flirty with me. It's odd, considering we don't even touch (with the exception of the one time sex) and still sleep in separate rooms. 

I'm still planning on moving though. At least he's been really good to the kids. Playing with them and such. BUT I know that this is the way it always goes. A big blow up and then he's great for a while. But he can't sustain it.


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## TemperToo (Apr 23, 2011)

I'm having a really bad day today. I'm feeling so alone.....


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