# Going through a separation.



## sadsuzy (May 15, 2011)

:scratchhead:

My husband and I separated a little over a month ago and honestly I did not give him the space he needed during this first month because I was in such physical pain about the whole thing that I fell into a pit of depression and desperation. But now, I am trying to give him his needed space in hopes that he will see that I am really trying here and I am trying not to be so controlling, or pushy. At the moment he is visiting friends and I haven't called or text him all weekend and as much as it hurts I will wait for him to come around. The thing that makes that sooo much harder is there are soooo many negative stories about people who separate, end up divorcing. My anxiety is absolutely killing me. I just want to go home and get back on with our lives. I simply do not understand how one can work on a marriage apart from one another. I feel like we have to work together, where he seems to feel differently. Does anyone know any happy endings to this whole mess? Or is our marriage doomed? :scratchhead:

*Please guys, I really need some advice.* 


This is my first post on one of these things so its really just me venting. Id love to talk with more people in my situation. No one at home seems to get what I am going through, and honestly I feel like I am bringing them down with me.


----------



## Lolabells (May 10, 2011)

Girl!! You are def not alone!!! My husband and I separated 1 month and a couple wks ago and I too moved miles away!! I wish I could tell you it gets easier! But I don't have a success story yet. I've been finding out through the grapevine that he's going out, living it up and trying to move on... While I drown in my own pool of misery. But I stopped that! You need to be strong, get out there and show him you're ok! It may take a while but don't reach out for communication!!!! I learned that the hard way! I tried texting, calling, email.. That only pushes them further away, they don't want to hear that you love them, need them, want them back or that you've changed! Cause in their mind they're thinking the complete opposite. So I suggest you start doing you! Tonight I'm getting ready to email my husband and tell him that I accept that we are no longer together and that if he doesn't plan on coming back, to file for divorce then, no idea why he's taking so long if its what he said he wanted! Good luck!! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sadsuzy (May 15, 2011)

Thank you so much for your reply. He's out having a good time this weekend and I've just been sulking and I know I need to stop this but its so hard! We've had some really great laughs and conversations since we've been separated but I of course always let my emotions get the best of me and start talking about "us" and that's when it all goes downhill again. My anxiety is what's making everything worse. It's pretty pathetic but I am scared he won't want me and that rejection is pretty unbearable, especially when I feel it is my fault completely that our marriage is falling apart.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Like Lolabells write, you are not going through this alone. So many of us are dealing with hurt, pain and disappointment of our dream relationship falling apart. We can and will make it to the other side and will be none the less when we get there ;o)


----------



## Lolabells (May 10, 2011)

Yea you're going to have to find a way to stop talking about "us" because they dont want to talk about that subject yet, or maybe even at all! I also feel like the break up was my fault even though he tells me to not blame only myself. I didnt appreciate him as much as i should have, i was selfish, controlling, bla bla. So now I feel like Im not the same person I was when he left me. Trust me I was on the floor in front of our door crying and begging him not to go.. SO pathetic!! they want to see a strong person! but as much as I dont want the divorce, showing him that Im ready to accept it might work in my favor. We'll see! but again.. we are all here for you!


----------



## sadsuzy (May 15, 2011)

Lola, Im so sorry to hear about your situation, and I know I don't know all the details we do seem to have a lot in common. As you all are here for me, I'm here to talk with yall and would love if you guys kept me updated, and I will do the same. Thank you all for your words and advice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Lolabells (May 10, 2011)

I really with this site had a chat ability lol like facebook!


----------



## sadsuzy (May 15, 2011)

I know. It's feels good to talk to people going through the same thing. I deleted my fb when we first separated. I can't bare to look at the 100s of pictures from our past.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Like you I have pics post in so many sites, it would take me months to delete them all ;o) I am not gonna do it, those are my memories and I worked hard to have them.


----------



## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

My H & I have been separated for almost 3 months, and I know how hard it is but you have to pull yourself out of your misery. I know it sounds like I am asking you to move mountains because trust me, sometimes my greatest accomplishment is getting out of bed. At least it was that way in the beginning.
I'm still struggling, but compared to how I was when he left I am doing so much better.

As hard as it is, you have to stop worrying about him and what he may/may not be doing because regardless you only have control over your actions.
Take this time to work on you. Take a look at yourself and your life and work on the things that need to change-FOR YOU. If you do it just for him, you will fail.

Keep your chin up, and keep posting. I promise you that you WILL get through this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sadsuzy (May 15, 2011)

I really am trying to change. I especially feel like I have and will change to save our marriage. I've noticed my faults and am the first to admit that I have been wrong and way out of hand. I've had horrible trust issues due to previous relationships and Im always accusing him of cheating. I'm always escalating minor fights and sometimes I'm just a down right b*tch. I have to say it cause its true. And now I think I've really lost a good man because of my irrational behavior.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

Suzy...are you my identical twin? I could have written what you just wrote. Anxiety, trust issues, being b*tchy for no reason, etc. I treated my H like sh*t because I could, and he took it. It took him leaving for me to wake up and realize what I was doing to the people I love. As much as I hate the circumstances surrounding my wake up call, I'm glad it happened when it did.

Are you in counseling for yourself? If you aren't, I would highly suggest it. I've been going for almost 5 months now and it has made a world of difference. Therapy, combined with the right meds for anxiety/depression has done wonders for my mood and my soul.

I did and said a lot of things to my H that I'll never be able to take back, and I will live with that for the rest of my life. I can't beat myself up over it because it won't change anything, all I can do is try my hardest to not let history repeat itself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sadsuzy (May 15, 2011)

Now I wouldn't s y I treated him like **** cause I was really good to my husband, its just when we fought, I couldn't act like a normal person, I always had to keep the argument going. I'm looking into counseling, not.only for anger, but depression, anxiety, the whole nine yards. I could hardly get out of bed today, and I cannot go on like this. I hope everything works out for the both of us. Because I do believe people are human and when they recognize their mistakes, they can change. And I hope good things come to both of us. Ty for your advice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## staircase (May 16, 2011)

Lolabells said:


> I really with this site had a chat ability lol like facebook!


how about tinychat?
sb647 - Tinychat

just use whatever nickname you like. I'll hang around and see who stops by.


----------



## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

Counseling will be a very good action for you to take. Like I said, it has worked wonders for me. I hope to save my marriage, but if I don't, I will at least be able to save me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## staircase (May 16, 2011)

Word of caution: I worked to change myself for the marriage for the past year. For me, it made me resentful, angry and hurt. I was doing all the heavy lifting. The more I gave, the more the marriage demanded. When it was clear I had nothing more to give and nothing more I could change he ended it with him wanting to me to choose between him and my son.

I truly hope it works out for you all. A success story would be uplifting right now.


----------



## yourbabygirl (May 28, 2011)

sadsuzy said:


> I really am trying to change. I especially feel like I have and will change to save our marriage. I've noticed my faults and am the first to admit that I have been wrong and way out of hand. I've had horrible trust issues due to previous relationships and Im always accusing him of cheating. I'm always escalating minor fights and sometimes I'm just a down right b*tch. I have to say it cause its true. And now I think I've really lost a good man because of my irrational behavior.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


DQ and Suzy, I guess I am your triplet on this. My issues are not really on the cheating but demanding constant attention even when he is working, esp those times he worked for a Jap company and I would call him plenty of times and he said he gets humiliated in front of his officemates. He's a very good man, a good provider and he treats me like his princess and he kinda spoiled. I regret those things I have done to him, I can still enumerate those times I was mean to him just because he wasn't on time on something very trivial.. REGRETS are now killing me. I LOST A GOOD MAN!  

Hugs to you sister! and i wish all of us will actually have a happy ending. I'll keep on posting on these thread.


----------



## sadsuzy (May 15, 2011)

yourbabygirl: I do still have my moments where I blame myself for everything, but like I said, they are just moments. A marriage cannot deteriorate from one person alone. It surely does take two. In my marriage: my husband was and is a good man, and I was and still am a good woman, but together him and I were not so great, and that is what lands us here, divorcing. We both had our share of wrong-doings. It was both of us. I cant blame him and he cant blame me. It is just the way it goes. So dont blame yourself for everything, it simply is unrealistic. I hope you feel better, babygirl. I know its hard, this week in particular, for me, but I promise it does get better. 

sadand: That is probably one of my biggest "hurts" throughout this whole separation; when it came down to it, he just shut me out, told me he didnt think it was working and that was that...no MC, no more talking about it, nada. And I simply just do not get how you can toss your vows out the window, just like that, without even trying.


----------



## yourbabygirl (May 28, 2011)

Suzy, It takes 2 to tango and my husband does acknowledge that he is more to blame than me. He said he is too immature for marriage, while I have so much demands from him. But I guess it takes a real mature person to be able to understand and point out these things and also be humble enough to acknowledge where it failed. I am doing my best, I don't know where it will get me, maybe a bigger heartache, but it is just one of the risks I am willing to take. 

I surely hope it gets better for you too.


----------



## kitkat1 (Sep 14, 2011)

Last year my husband and I went through a bad spell and split for a month. During the first 2 weeks I cried, begged, said it was all my fault (even though it wasn't) and said that I would change whatever he needed me to change...basically said whatever I thought he wanted to hear. I read a few books about boundaries and being a doormat, etc. After all my attemps to beg, cry, etc. didn't work I took the advice that I read - basically it said act like the breakup or separation is a good idea and you agree with it (even though you don't feel like that inside and it may tear you up to say that). It suggested that you stop all the craziness, stop talking to them, and write them a short note saying something to the tone of.....Hey I agree with this separation...I'm sorry for acting crazy the past several weeks - I've thought about it and you are absolutely right - I think this separation is a good idea because things weren't going in a good direction. In the next paragraph you say something great happened to you.....something really amazing at work or say something about good fortune fell upon you and then say - gotta go but we'll catch up soon. Of course when they try to call you or text you about your good fortune don't answer your phone or call them back for several days. Then if you do return their call make it short say hey I will call you back real busy now and let them sit and stir for a week or so........it sounds stupid and manipulative and totally against my personality but sadly it does work in some cases unless they are really checked out for good... It's not a permanent fix by any means but it's an opening to door that may otherwise be closed. All the advice about getting on with yourself and not giving them all of your tears and time is correct.


----------



## RoseRed (Aug 27, 2011)

sadsuzy said:


> :scratchhead:
> 
> My husband and I separated a little over a month ago and honestly I did not give him the space he needed during this first month because I was in such physical pain about the whole thing that I fell into a pit of depression and desperation. But now, I am trying to give him his needed space in hopes that he will see that I am really trying here and I am trying not to be so controlling, or pushy. At the moment he is visiting friends and I haven't called or text him all weekend and as much as it hurts I will wait for him to come around. The thing that makes that sooo much harder is there are soooo many negative stories about people who separate, end up divorcing. My anxiety is absolutely killing me. I just want to go home and get back on with our lives. I simply do not understand how one can work on a marriage apart from one another. I feel like we have to work together, where he seems to feel differently. Does anyone know any happy endings to this whole mess? Or is our marriage doomed? :scratchhead:
> 
> ...


My prayers are with you! 

I am 9 months separated from my H... we both needed space to figure out what the next 50+ years will hold for us. After a 25+ years under our belt with many issues to get through... MC and IC has brought us to a huge new level of a relationship! We are now to the stage of working togther and spending more time together too. As recommended by our MC... the re-uniting should take time and a process... we both have some proving to do for each other before we go back to the full on life together. We actually approached our relationship in the past all half a$$ed backwards in many ways... 

I have been informed to keep saturday night free... oooooo... a date!!! I am incredibly excited! We are making amazing strides in so many ways!

Our MC has been so impressed with our progress... so... I can vouch at this stage... he see us back together by thanksgiving... and that holiday will have a WHOLE new meaning of giving thanks!


----------



## sadand (Apr 2, 2011)

wow, how I wish that would happen for us. We each continue with IC, met last night for dinner which was incredibly emotional, finally said our apologies for neglecting the marriage. I let my husband think I didn't need him for anything, the he wasn't important, and it took this separation to bring that home to me. I hope we can see our way through, that isn't what my H is saying, but I hope every day.


----------



## JennaLynne (Sep 13, 2011)

SadSuzy - I am in a very similar boat....in fact you, DG and I could be trilplets -- I never knew how bad I was til I was allowed time away from it to really evaluate.  I'm on week 5 of being out of the house and the first couple weeks were bad -- but then I took pople's advice and focused on me - and that helped. My H and I talk via email - mostly about bills - I am hoping to get him to see that I truly have come to an understanding of why I was so unhappy and took it out on him -- and that I've worked through it - and continue to work on me.

Do you have any hobbies you can focus on, or treat yourself to a new hair style, or manicure? 

Space is what my H needed -- he doesn't SEEM as gung ho about divorcing -- but he is still very wishy washy - I have no idea where his head is at.


----------



## MuddyAlaskanToy (Nov 28, 2011)

*First Time Separation: Male here*

I know most of the members in this discussion are female, well I'm the first I think to chime in as I am a male. I will be separated next Saturday. I am really scared of what all is going to happen. She and I already sat down and discussed bills, child arrangements, etc. The thing I fear most is that its not going to get better and will only end up in divorce  I know she cheated on me after we got married in 2006 and then made out with my co-worker two summers ago, but I really haven't done anything. The reason for the separation is because she told me she "lost feelings for me" and she wants to separate to see if she can get the feelings back. I'm all for that and all, BUT I'm scared she is going to end up cheating on me during the time we are going to be separated. I just don't know what to do. I'm scared of being alone, scared for a lot of things, guess I need some input here. Thanks to anyone who replies.


----------



## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Here is another male chiming in. My wife seperated from me over three weeks ago. This was after 9 months of trying from hearing her say the ILYBNILY line. I and our MC/IC believe she is showing all the signs of a MLC. She has at a minimum dabbled in an EA.

It would be nice to have a success story, but the fact is we all need to work on ourselves. Start on the 180 and do it better than I have, which means do not give in on any of it. I have failed and see she is controlling me which is hurting me.

The best thing we can do for ourselves is Let Them Go. I know how hard this is, but it will only help us however these sad stories end up.

Take care!


----------



## Naynay (May 23, 2013)

Hi My husband decided 5 months ago that he did not love me and wanted out, for 5 months he has been coming back and forth staying with friends and his parents. A week ago he asked to come back said he would do anything for us to work counselling etc, 
We went to counselling yesterday i told the counsellor i was there to fix the realtionship he said he was there to end it, that the only reason he ever came back was cause of his guilt.

I know that it is over just finding it so hard to accept i still love him. we have 3 kids together twins aged 5 and 3.

Counsellor said we have to go at least a month of no communication. I am still in the family home and he is paying the bills. i dont know what to do.


----------



## Naynay (May 23, 2013)

has anyone elses husband/wife said they are leaving because they don't love them


----------

