# No Birthday or Xmas gifts anymore?ouch



## amanda1959

My husband failed to buy me anything for our 25th wedding anniversary 3 years ago and I was upset but time went on and I let it go...I received nothing from him this past Xmas nor my birthday last month. I always make sure something is under the tree for him at Xmas and never forget his Birthday. It wasn't until someone else wished me a happy birthay on my birthday last month, that he realized and remembered it was my birthday. This hurts me and as time goes on I feel that I am not special....it doesn't have to cost much.... what is wrong here? Why did he stop buying me gifts for special occasions?

I am deeply hurt.


----------



## waiwera

I think this falls into the ' I don't care' category. 

I've seen your posts over the past year or so amanda1959 and what you say here is fairly consistent with the... less than loving way your husband treats you.

I'm sorry it must be very hurtful to forgotten/ignored at special times. OMG... he did nothing for your 25th anniversary!! 

We've been together for 26 years and neither of us has ever missed a birthday or Christmas or anniversary or Easter or mothers/fathers day or valentines.

Often they are small gifts/tokens or flowers or a card but they show that the other 'cares' enough to take time/energy/$$$ to find you something that means something to you... and i sense you would like to feel important enough to your man that he could do this for you.

Not much to ask IMO...


----------



## amanda1959

as time goes on it just hurts over and over again....don't know why he doesn't get it. It is like pouring salt into a wound.

We were on vacation last month ,when it was my birthday so on the day when he forgot (same as last year) he used the excuse that the vacation was my present. I told him that I had worked to pay for the vacation too. For Xmas after there was nothing under the tree he said ok let's buy something for the house so we went and got a new couch. Not my idea of a thoughtful romantic gift. I told him if I died and he got a new girlfriend I am sure he would buy her gifts for ever special occasion. He just always hurts me and really takes me for granted. While we were on vacation one night after my birthday a group of people we had met were actually laughing and saying "went on vacation and forgot wifes birthday". He new I was upset yet again and he spent the whole day in the pool drinking tequila with our new friens while I sulked in my room. Afterwards he said he could have fun that it was "his holiday too". I give up with his lack of sensitivity....it just sucks


----------



## waiwera

So what now? 
Your unhappy and feeling unloved and unappreciated.

What are your options?

Tell me do you work outside the home? Are you financially independent or??

Have you done the counselling path IC and/or MC?

Could you take some 'timeout'...go visit so relatives? Take a road trip?

If you were advising your dearest friend in this situation...what would you tell her?


----------



## amanda1959

Is that a real cloud?

Ya feeling low again. I have the typical options stay or leave. We have been seperated for a year before...I took a job abroad. That is when he visited me for our 25th anniversary...I was so sure he would come bearing gifts to apologize for his dispicable behaviour.

Same pattern over and over again. I have to constantly fight for his attention and deal with disrespectful communication. I guess one would say I have been emotionally abused in this marriage.

I work outside of the home. Have done my share of counselling. I basicly don't leave because the summer home would have to be sold and it is my daughters "happy place" it would be hard on her to have to sell it. This is the main reason I stay. Sounds terrible but it's for the kids even though they are in their twenties and gainfully employed....this marriage gets me down when I let myself feel. Most times I just grin and bear it. He is away on business for a week again...his employment and income bring great stress to this marriage especially the Orlando and Las Vegas trade shows that just seem to be an excuse to hang with the boys. Not seeing the increase in income as a net result of them thats for sure. If I had to advise a dear friend I would have said what my dear friends have already said to me long ago....leave him. He always says he loves me but his actions tell a different story. I think he has a lack of empathy that was not instilled in early childhood, that was even determined by past counselling. His Mother doesn't have it either. The poor guy even pats himself on the back when he has done a household improvement. He thinks that's normal! it's really the lack of praise he didn't get from his parents growing up. Always trying to prove himself...poor him. and now poor me I could use some attention and meaningful high level communication


----------



## VermisciousKnid

amanda1959 said:


> The poor guy even pats himself on the back when he has done a household improvement. He thinks that's normal! it's really the lack of praise he didn't get from his parents growing up. Always trying to prove himself...poor him.


I don't understand this part. He shouldn't do them? He should do them and not expect thanks? You don't value that kind of effort?


----------



## amanda1959

No you mis-understood me...ofcourse I thank him and value all the things he does around the house. He is always inaction upgrading and repairing something. This is the main reason he doesn't have time for me ...he doesn't stop! What he does is valued and appreciated.
My point is while he works he literally states outloud "good job Joe" like he is praising himself. He says high acheivers act this way but I still believe it is a serious lack of praise and attentiveness during childhood. He loves himself OUTLOUD if you know what I mean?


----------



## amanda1959

if a child is not taught empathy and not raised with recognition they learn to love themselves....it is not his fault he is like this however as an adult when you do enough therapy one should recognize the personality traits that hinder your relationship. As a child he purchased his mother a silver heart locket on a chain....she returned it to the store for the cash. His family was never short of money. Have you ever heard of a mother capable of returning a heart locket from her son?????


----------



## TCSRedhead

What do the two of you do to meet each other's needs? Clearly he's missing your needs of having special days acknowledged and your missing his need of having his acts of service acknowledged.

Do you two sit and spend time talking about what you want and need from each other?

What are you BOTH actively doing to change the patterns?

Using your family/upbringing isn't an excuse. My husband was literally NEVER hugged by his family nor told he was loved yet he's remarkably capable of doing that for me and our children because he chose to change.


----------



## VermisciousKnid

amanda1959 said:


> No you mis-understood me...ofcourse I thank him and value all the things he does around the house. He is always inaction upgrading and repairing something. This is the main reason he doesn't have time for me ...he doesn't stop! What he does is valued and appreciated.
> My point is while he works he literally states outloud "good job Joe" like he is praising himself. He says high acheivers act this way but I still believe it is a serious lack of praise and attentiveness during childhood. He loves himself OUTLOUD if you know what I mean?


Ohhhhh. That's a bit unusual. It sounds lonely or isolated to me. Like he has no friends so he has to talk to himself.


----------



## amanda1959

TCSRedhead said:


> What do the two of you do to meet each other's needs? Clearly he's missing your needs of having special days acknowledged and your missing his need of having his acts of service acknowledged.
> 
> Do you two sit and spend time talking about what you want and need from each other?
> 
> What are you BOTH actively doing to change the patterns?
> 
> Using your family/upbringing isn't an excuse. My husband was literally NEVER hugged by his family nor told he was loved yet he's remarkably capable of doing that for me and our children because he chose to change.


I recognize everyone needs their acts of service acknowledged so ofcourse I thank him.

We don't sit and talk because he is "too busy".

He doesn't thinka lack of gift giving is a problem...so there is no pattern to change.

Your husband recognizes his family had a problem hugging...my husband doesn't think his upbringing was a problem.

I am alone. A small token to recognize my Birthday and a Xmas gift under the tree would feel nice I am not expecting diamonds and pearls. I just don't understand why he doesn't get me presents anymore and why he thinks it's OK! I have verbalized my disappointment many times and it makes me feel awful to ask for gifts...it should be the givers idea.


----------



## TCSRedhead

amanda1959 said:


> I recognize everyone needs their acts of service acknowledged so ofcourse I thank him.
> 
> We don't sit and talk because he is "too busy".
> 
> He doesn't thinka lack of gift giving is a problem...so there is no pattern to change.
> 
> Your husband recognizes his family had a problem hugging...my husband doesn't think his upbringing was a problem.
> 
> I am alone. A small token to recognize my Birthday and a Xmas gift under the tree would feel nice I am not expecting diamonds and pearls. I just don't understand why he doesn't get me presents anymore and why he thinks it's OK! I have verbalized my disappointment many times and it makes me feel awful to ask for gifts...it should be the givers idea.


So he feels ok with the state of your marriage while you suffer along. At what point do you say that you're done with not having your needs/wants fulfilled?


----------



## amanda1959

Everytime I get disappointed again..I can't seem to fix it alone. It takes two. It's a pattern of hurt and forgiveness back to hurt. I stay because of the kids. It's complicated to sell the assets...our summer home is my daughters happy place.


----------



## amanda1959

VermisciousKnid said:


> Ohhhhh. That's a bit unusual. It sounds lonely or isolated to me. Like he has no friends so he has to talk to himself.


I dont know anyone that actively praises themselves... and outloud! It is strange isn't it. He would never consider himself lonely. I just put it down to lack of praise and recognition as a child.


----------



## TCSRedhead

amanda1959 said:


> Everytime I get disappointed again..I can't seem to fix it alone. It takes two. It's a pattern of hurt and forgiveness back to hurt. I stay because of the kids. It's complicated to sell the assets...our summer home is my daughters happy place.


So you're accepting this as your marriage. You're right, you CAN'T fix it and he clearly doesn't wish to fix it. Staying for the kids or because you have shared assets is an excuse. I'm not hearing you say you love him.

At some point, either you move on and stop using excuses for staying in a miserable marriage or learn to be happy with less than you want or need in a relationship.


----------



## amanda1959

yes you are right...this has always been the problem


----------



## TCSRedhead

Then the question still remains of whether this is a deal breaker. If so, what is your point of no return? 

It seems like a pattern of learned helplessness. 

You've stated that he's not willing to change. How important is this to you?

You either accept that it's the way your relationship works and learn to be happy with the marriage you do have or decide that it isn't a marriage you can be happy living. 

I'm not trying to sound mean. I love getting flowers and jewelry as gifts. My husband is not a flowers/jewelry buying guy. His good qualities far outweigh the negatives so I've learned to focus on the good things in our marriage instead.


----------



## amanda1959

I understand what you are saying...when is enough enough? As time goes on missing birthdays (he got drunk on my birthday and passed out before dinner) not exchanging Xmas gifts...long more frequent business trips where a phone call is only possible from a company phone so it is free...no texts or BBM's goodnight....it all is adding up to a lonely exsistance...him chasing the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow...always working, networking, striving for more, doing and no just ever""being still" and stopping to enjoy eachother. There is no intimacy that leads me to want sex with him.

He doesn't really seem to care. It is a pattern of helplessness. We are very different. I have expressed how it all hurts me. I feel abandoned and taken for granted. 

I don't need jewlery and expenses gifts....but this week (as he is in NewYork on business)I would have liked a phone call one night that was not hurried and short so we could keep some sort emotional connection. I am afraid he will NEVER GET IT? and it is getting really hard to keep accepting this is the rest of my life. 

It hurts when he goes to mentorship events at Universities and I see all the young woman he was in contact with asking to stay in touch. This all feeds his ego and he seems to constantly need this outside source of "ego feed" while I wait at home for him. 

This is our marriage dynamic and it doesn't feel good from my side...hasn't for a long time.


----------



## Nicole24

I am in a very similar situation. I noticed this post was from a couple years ago and was wondering what the final outcome was. My husband and I have been going to a therapist for the last year and one main topic has been him making me feel "not worthy of gifts, empathy, attention, compliments." In therapy my husband promises to try but doesn't. He informed me the other day that he does not compliment and buy gift and I need to accept that. I don't want to....I think I deserve recognition on my birthday or on Christmas.


----------



## jld

(((((Nicole)))))

Do you have regular sex with your husband? If so, ask him how he would feel if you just told him that you don't have sex, and he just has to accept that. His withholding from meeting your emotional needs is like if you withheld from him sexually.

My husband is not very emotional and probably has to write down my birthday and our anniversary somewhere. I don't always get a gift. But I do know he loves me. 

I think you are not feeling loved, bottom line. And the lack of kind words/gifts is just a symbol of that. Is that right?


----------



## murphy5

the answer for you is simple. Take some money out of the bank...the money that should have been spent on presents to last 25 years, and go buy yourself a Harley. There are all women riding clubs here where I live...maybe there is one there. Learn to ride, and spend the weekends cruising with the ladies. 

You will have fun, you will have a nice "present" and when you do bother to come home, maybe the ungrateful lout will finally appreciate you!


----------



## jld

Yep, I'm sure that is the gift she has been wanting . . . a Harley!


----------



## murphy5

motorcycle mamma?

She can insert any other word desired in place of "Harley". Such as Porsche, airplane, diamond necklace, 2 week island cruise, Gucci shoe tree, real simulated Indian jewelry.....


----------

