# UPDATE on my situation



## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

My husband moved back in to our family home New Years weekend. Its been an up and down process since. We are currently still in the process of starting our life completly over. We are going from owning a house to renting. Moving to a different state 12 hrs away. Moving away from his whole family and my parents. Going to a state where we have wanted to move since visiting in 09. We have our application in on a house now and are waiting to hear if we are accepted. Work is very spotty in the state we are in. My husband is having lots of doubts and guilt for leaving his local union and his family. 

We did go on a reconsilation cruise as my husband calls it. We got back in early April. The cruise was wonderful. I was afraid before our cruise that we would not have sex during the vacation becuase my husband had hernia surgery 1 month before the vacation. We were gone a total of 10 days. We did have sex 4 times during the vacation. We have been back home since April 2nd and have not had sex sicne the cruise. Its very upsetting to me since not having sex is a major trigger for remembering that he had sex with soemone else who lives in our same town.

PLus shortly after we got back (1 day) OW contacted me to ask how things were going. I never responded and then my FB was hacked. I relized she had been tracking my FB to keep tabs on him. So I changed all my FB settings, password and made it private. I do admit that I had left it open and her unblocked to reclaim my husband. I was posting good things that were happneing in vague terms. I found out she was seeing way more than I wanted her too. Also when I researched my security setting I found that my FB account had been hacked since the end of Oct and its probably her. I know she was doing everything in her power to stay in contact with him. So I changed all my FB settings and an hacking attempt was made a week after changing it all and totally blocking her.

I'm haivng a hard time trusting my husband even though its her doing all this. I'm trying to think of all the positive that he is doing to improve our marriage. Our lack of sex and his lack of desire has me worried even though he is very effectionate. 

Stress always kills his sex drive, but the fact that I know he was very stressed during our seperqationa nd that he had a sexual affair that was never an EA...has me worried about his lack of sexual desire for me.

I'm really hoping that 12 hrs distance from the OW will help build trust and reassurance on both our parts. My husband admitted today that he has not forgiven me for kicking him out of the house which started our seperation


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

The nerve of her to contact you.

Are you SURE he's still on no contact with her?

How is he towards you? Affectionate? Loving? Do you guys hang out and just chill and chat?


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

if he is having trouble now and is known to have trouble during stress, it may very well have nothing to do with his desire for you. you are after all dropping everything and everybody to move out of state.

i have learned that some women want to always blame their mans desire, or seemingly lack of, on themselves. that they are not desirable to their man when in a lot of cases that is not the case. it is due to outside forces.

if he has given you no reason to believe otherwise now, give him the benefit of the doubt, its probably due to the outside stresses.


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## LeighRichwood (Mar 31, 2012)

Communication is a big part of recovery. If you're worried about your sex life and feel like he may have lost desire for you, you should talk to him about that. Try not to frame it in a way that he will see your lack of confidence or that he will feel blamed. Just let him know you want sex and you'd like him to initiate.

2nd Time is probably right, too. If you've known that stress is a factor for him then it's logical that that's what is going on now.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

that_girl said:


> The nerve of her to contact you.
> 
> Are you SURE he's still on no contact with her?
> 
> How is he towards you? Affectionate? Loving? Do you guys hang out and just chill and chat?


I'm pretty sure it is over between the 2 of them. Although I do have doubts because of everything that has happened. He does send me flirty texts when hes away and he sent one tonihgt too. I try to focus on the positive things like that. He is a much better husband than he was before. I tell him what I like about him and what hes doing that I do like.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> if he is having trouble now and is known to have trouble during stress, it may very well have nothing to do with his desire for you. you are after all dropping everything and everybody to move out of state.
> 
> i have learned that some women want to always blame their mans desire, or seemingly lack of, on themselves. that they are not desirable to their man when in a lot of cases that is not the case. it is due to outside forces.
> 
> if he has given you no reason to believe otherwise now, give him the benefit of the doubt, its probably due to the outside stresses.


I do hope it has nothing to do with me physically although I do know that he would really like me to be able to have breast implants...which he is more forward about after our seperation than before.

He is much much more effonate with me and holding me all the time, so thats really good.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

blueskies30 said:


> I'm pretty sure it is over between the 2 of them. Although I do have doubts because of everything that has happened. He does send me flirty texts when hes away and he sent one tonihgt too. I try to focus on the positive things like that. He is a much better husband than he was before. I tell him what I like about him and what hes doing that I do like.


this is good.
try and do as you said and focus on this stuff in the now.
unfortunately, you do always have to be aware, just dont let that ruin the good.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

LeighRichwood said:


> Communication is a big part of recovery. If you're worried about your sex life and feel like he may have lost desire for you, you should talk to him about that. Try not to frame it in a way that he will see your lack of confidence or that he will feel blamed. Just let him know you want sex and you'd like him to initiate.
> 
> 2nd Time is probably right, too. If you've known that stress is a factor for him then it's logical that that's what is going on now.


Hes actually wanting me to stop talking about sex. I'm having a hard time not talking about sex, it seems to come naturally to tell him how much I desire him. 

He likes physical touch and loves me to give him massages. I do love to give him massages becasue I love to make him feel good, but I feel that he does not recipricate. 

So I actually had made the choice to stop flirting with him so much. Then the next morning after i made that choice he was trying to turn me opn, but I didn't notice since I was afraid he was just trying to be nice and I didn't want to feel rejected again. That morning he got out of bed in a huff. I didn't know at the time he felt rejected. WE actually talked about it the next morning when I told him that I made a decision to not flirt as much or talk about sex as much with him. I told him I was sorryt hat he felt rejected that morning. I said I would never reject him unless I was way way too tired or really really sick. That is he wants me he should make me know it. 

For some reason he is not as forward with sex as he used to be. I wish he would be more forward with me and suprise me like he used too before our seperation. I feel that now is not the time to bring all this up though becasue hes very stressed with our move and going from owning a house to renting


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Maybe he is concerned for your feelings since his affair was a PA. His hesitation might be just that. If his libido is down due to stress and you are craving more sex may I suggest that this could be a time for you to explore your own desires and feelings without him? Learn more about yourself and what you like so that when he is back on track you can subtly push him in the direction that pleases you. Maybe that way you won't feel that this time is being wasted. Just a thought.

You mentioned he is talking to you about breast implants. I think you posted about that before. What are your feelings about that? Have they changed the longer you consider it?


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

I'm not sure if he is concerned for my feelings or not. I just think there might be a lot that he's thinking about right now. I hate it when he is so stressed and there's nothing I can do about it. 

I have been exploring things by myself. He knows it and I don't know if he likes it or not, but he doesn't seem upset about it. 

I think I've explored so much by myself during our seperation and now that it's driving me crazy and I do want to try things out with him. I'm more open than I was before and he is not. 

My feelings about getting breast implants have not changed, although I do wish my husband could be physically attracted to what I do have now. It would not be so bad if I could gain weight. That's why I need implants.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

We are in a very similar situation to you in our R right now, but it is getting better.

What I've found has helped tremendously is mutually scheduling it for later.

The other thing I've told my WS is, WAKE ME UP if you want to do it. No matter the hour.

The other part of it is BJs and handjobs, see if he'll let you do it and try to up it to at least once a day for days he's not ready for full sex.

Full-body massages are GREAT and will help get this going in the right direction.

Trust me--because I am in your shoes--it stinks to be the one initiating and the one doing the "work" (i.e., doing things TO him rather than vice-versa) in the sense that HE is the one who betrayed our marriage. But my goal is to get those bonding hormones going like crazy--some way, somehow-- because they are a road map to him falling back in love with me and returning to a strong sense of loyalty (which he does have or we wouldn't be in true R, but for reinforcement).

Personally I think my WS became VERY accustomed to satisfying himself, and studies show that once you get to that point it can be hard finding your way back to being as turned on with people. Weird, sad, but true. Even very young men are having this problem due to watching too much porn, and they are finding Viagra isn't working for them because it ISN'T a physiological problem (there is no issue with their plumbing).


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

blueskies30 said:


> That's why I need implants.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


i just have a hard time agreeing with this. :/


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> i just have a hard time agreeing with this. :/


It's more than just my husbands desires. It's mind too. I wanted them before he said anything about needing them after our seperation. I like to wear lots of sexy things and after having my kids....it's worked opposite for me. I can't wear any langerie at all. I also would like to wear outfits where you can't wear a bra with it. We do go on cruises a lot (at least once per year) and I love to dress very fancy. So for me implants would widen what I can wear
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

iheartlife said:


> We are in a very similar situation to you in our R right now, but it is getting better.
> 
> What I've found has helped tremendously is mutually scheduling it for later.
> 
> ...


I give my husband full body massages, but I get nothing in return. He said in counseling that it feels so good that he gets so relaxed and wants to go to sleep after. I don't go too near his genitals cause I know he's not thinking sexually. He has in the recent past asked me why I always go to touching his penis, so I have stopped.

I would be very open to giving him hand jobs or BJs. He is open to hand jobs when he wants sex, but does not seem at all open to BJs. Before seperation he seemed to ask for them and I would object. My objection was the forceful and joking way he was asking for it. Now he does not ever do those joking phrases anymore, but also doesn't ask for BJs. I do want to do BJs because it's very very intimate. My husband has not given me oral since we met, but occasionally he will do the humming thing threw my pants. For some reason oral on me he does not like. I'd love it if he would do oral on me. 
My husband knows I pleasure my self and I have told him that maybe he should come in and finish it off, but he never takes the bait. He seems sexually shy after the affair. 

I know my husband watched porn while he lived at his parents during seperation. He admitted to masterbating about 3 times per week while there. I'm not sure if it's really the truth of 3 times per week or not though. He will not watch porn here at home and never has before. I've told him that I'd like to watch porn together once in a while, but he declined. I've also told him I'd like him to watch me masterbate and then he could just take over when he couldn't stand it anymore. 

He seems much more open when we are not at our home. I mean like road trips or vacations. I'm not sure if this house is a trigger for him. 

We are moving to a much warmer place with a pool in the backyard. I've told him that I would live to spend time alone with him in the pool after the kids go to sleep.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Be sure you get a complete medical exam before you undergo any surgery. People have died even under such seemingly "harmless" procedures like liposuction because of existing medical conditions. Get that cleared and out of the way before you proceed with breast augmentation.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

morituri said:


> People have died even under such seemingly "harmless" procedures like liposuction because of existing medical conditions.


even without


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

blueskies30 said:


> Stress always kills his sex drive, but the fact that I know he was very stressed during our seperqationa nd that he had a sexual affair that was never an EA...has me worried about his lack of sexual desire for me.
> 
> I'm really hoping that 12 hrs distance from the OW will help build trust and reassurance on both our parts. My husband admitted today that he has not forgiven me for kicking him out of the house which started our seperation


 If you were the one that kicked him out and initiated the separation that lead to the affair, then it is unlikely that he will cheat again, unless you throw him out and separate again. It sound to me like he had good reason to be angry with you and to believe that the marriage was over when he had the affair. It is one thing when a spouse pushes for a separation to allow an affair, but that is totally different from your situation. Your husband should not have had the affair until the divorce was final, but he does not sound like he is a cheater at heart under normal circumstance.

Now you know. Do not throw him out and file for separation, unless you mean to end the marraige for real.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

blueskies30 said:


> My feelings about getting breast implants have not changed, although I do wish my husband could be physically attracted to what I do have now. It would not be so bad if I could gain weight. That's why I need implants.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm curious why he married you with the breasts that you have, if this is something that's so important to him.

I just want you to be very careful. I also thought all sorts of things would be a turn on to my husband and magically fix our problems (although I'd tell someone to kiss my *** before I'd ever have surgery). It's one of the reasons I delayed losing the weight I gained the last few years, I sensed that it wouldn't change anything. And darn it all if he wasn't full force in an EA--so my gut was right on that at least.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

TRy said:


> If you were the one that kicked him out and initiated the separation that lead to the affair, then it is unlikely that he will cheat again, unless you throw him out and separate again. It sound to me like he had good reason to be angry with you and to believe that the marriage was over when he had the affair. It is one thing when a spouse pushes for a separation to allow an affair, but that is totally different from your situation. Your husband should not have had the affair until the divorce was final, but he does not sound like he is a cheater at heart under normal circumstance.
> 
> Now you know. Do not throw him out and file for separation, unless you mean to end the marraige for real.


I agree with you on some points. I don't think my Husband is the cheating type, but I do agree seperation was needed. My husband had a huge anger issue and restraining order was involved. I do wish it went better than it did. I don't think either one of us wanted the divorce or we would be divorced right now. I do think that I was fed up with his yelling and abuse. I wanted a cool down period, but with families influence who said he couldn't change it was divorce. He filed first though. 


I don't like living in the same town as OW. I know she could be living so close to us. I don't like the idea that I could run into her at the grocery store or the mall. 

I'm not really afraid he will cheat again, but I'm afraid she will resurface. I don't like him going out without me, even though I do need alone time, because she may be there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Also my husband is afraid when we move out of state I will throw him out of the house. I told him I would never do that unless he gave me a real good reason which would be cheating or DV. Maybe he is afraid of controlling himself. If I ever did ask him to leave for a cool down period, I think I would set clear boundaries.....I don't want a divorce, no dating other people, flirting or phone sex. I don't see us ever needing a break again other than when an argument starts and one of us needs to leave the room. Which it's usually me and then he follows me. That part I wish he would stop and let me cool down. We do use our phones to text each other in the house for arguments of what we were feeling and for flirting. IE: I'll send him a love note, of how much I love him...when I get out of the shower or something. He does the same for me, iniating it on his own
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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