# H won't lock doors at night



## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

Do other wives expect a sense of security from their H? He claims locking up is not important to him so I am in charge of checking doors/windows at night and when we leave the house. 

He has reluctantly decided to "help" once in a while (if I remind him)--not because he thinks it's important but to be "nice" with my little obsession. Our discussions about this focus on the fact that HE doesn't need to, HE feels perfectly safe, and HE will "tolerate" my "sense of insecurity." As if it were fiction, but he's indulging me.

I feel patronized, not listened to, invalidated (that's bad on its own), but I am also fearful that he does not understand general security issues and particular issues involving women and teenage girls (we have a few daughters). 

He admits that his choice not to heed my warnings while we were in Europe resulted in being robbed of all his documents and cash while on an Italian train. This was hugely damaging to our relationship for some time--I felt we were both endangered by his refusal to listen to common sense and I was fairly traumatized. 

Should I just accept that he will "help" lock up the house at night, on occasion, just to be nice, and not worry that he thinks I'm being silly? I honestly hate having to be the one to go around to every door and window while he's brushing his teeth. Maybe this is sexist of me. I feel that a man's job, at least in part, is to protect the women of the house. 

Other data: We live in a small city in a nicer neighborhood where houses are far apart; most of our neighbors have security systems, and this house was broken into in the past (before us) as evidenced by marks on several doors. I have added steel plates to our doors and extended the deadbolts. We have left doors unlocked on numerous occasions because I thought he locked them, and he had not, and nothing bad has happened. He uses this as evidence that nothing bad ever WILL happen. 

I was attacked many years ago in my own home (when I was still single) by a man who had gained entry and hid behind an interior door while I was unloading my car. I'm adding that just for full disclosure in case I sound unreasonably paranoid.


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## kennethk (Feb 18, 2014)

he should lock the doors.


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

kennethk said:


> he should lock the doors.


But why?
He flat-out disagrees that (1) it's important and (2) it's his job (or even partly his job). 
What do I tell him?


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Last one locks up. That should be the policy. I live in a very safe part of the city but bad things can always happen. Sunday night a elderly couple came home from celebrating their birthdays to find a 20 year old broke in the home and murdered the man and critically injured the wife. He then tried breaking into neighboring houses to hide from the police. Crazy things like that can happen anywhere.


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## kennethk (Feb 18, 2014)

questar1 said:


> But why?
> He flat-out disagrees that (1) it's important and (2) it's his job (or even partly his job).
> What do I tell him?


Why? because bad things happen all the time.
Better safe than sorry.
It doesn't have to be HIS job unless he is the last one in.
We always lock our doors. Never leave them unlocked. Never.
And turn on the alarm at night.


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

kennethk said:


> Why? because bad things happen all the time.
> Better safe than sorry.
> It doesn't have to be HIS job unless he is the last one in.
> We always lock our doors. Never leave them unlocked. Never.
> And turn on the alarm at night.


Sounds like we should just go on as we are: With me being in charge of locking up. 

I guess what I'm saying is that I am deeply troubled that he doesn't care and all the responsibility falls on me. I think everyone in the house should care whether we are safe or not. 

Makes me feel like the man of the house. 

Maybe I will get a guard dog. He hates dogs.

I hate feeling unsafe.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Sounds like he's just lazy and a little arrogant (and a little stupid to boot).

Get that guard dog. When your husband complains you can tell him that the dog is doing what husband refuses to do - caring about the family's safety.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

questar1 said:


> I guess what I'm saying is that I am deeply troubled that he doesn't care and all the responsibility falls on me. I think everyone in the house should care whether we are safe or not.
> 
> Makes me feel like the man of the house.
> 
> ...


I think you should tell him exactly what you wrote. Yes it is a shaming tactic but really it is far out of the norm these days to leave doors unlocked at night.

You could try gathering news stories of burglaries and home invasions in your general area. There are probably many more than you are aware of. It might wake him up.

You could also get the addresses of all the registered sex offenders within say 20 miles of your home and print it out. It will probably be shocking to you how many live near by.

A father who does not worry about his teen daughters is deficient. I don't think you are at all over reacting to the need for security. I came home late one evening from work, probably about 10 pm, and saw a pickup truck parked in front of the house. As I pulled into the driveway I could see my teen daughter's light was on and her window shade open. The pickup truck was speeding away as I came out the front door with gun in hand. Now some may call me over the top, but not many fathers of teen girls would feel differently than I did that night.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Full disclosure: I'm expert in use of firearms. My personality is very free of fear from anyone. It likely would end badly for a criminal if he broke into my home while I was there. 

That being said, even though I live in a safe neighborhood I am careful to lock the doors/windows. Why?

1. to help keep the honest honest.
2. to protect stupid kids from themselves.
3. because I respect my wifes feelings, who wants me to lock up.
4. reduce liability. If someone steals something of mine and does something illegal with it. (car, firearm, tools, etc.)
5. take away legal defense from criminals who might break in and claim excuses why they did it.
6. Make a harder target for criminals or druggies
7. prevent me from killing somebody and having to deal with the fallout.
8 prevent harm to my loved ones.
9. because I'm not stupid.

Your husband might change his attitude if he were hit hard where he is emotionally invested. But you know what they say... you can't fix stupid. Good luck.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

with your history of being attract in your own home he should be overly safety orientated period!

you picked a real winner there.

your only option is to lock up your self because then you know it was done.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

questar1 said:


> But why?
> He flat-out disagrees that (1) it's important and (2) it's his job (or even partly his job).
> What do I tell him?


Odd, especially because of your past.

My wife and I generally lock up. We have a security system that tells us if someone is entering in the night.

I do this because I take the safety of my family as part of my job. My wife has joint responsibility certainly. BUT there is a practical part to this as well. If someone does come in, during the night, I will deal with them most harshly. I wish to be able to tell the police the doors were locked. I give the predator pause to think. Call that compassion if you like.

I remember back in Mayberry days when people I grew up with did not lock their front doors. Was it really that safe then? Perhaps ... perhaps not.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

commonsenseisn't said:


> Full disclosure: I'm expert in use of firearms. My personality is very free of fear from anyone. It likely would end badly for a criminal if he broke into my home while I was there.
> 
> That being said, even though I live in a safe neighborhood I am careful to lock the doors/windows. Why?
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Your husband is an insensitive asshat for not taking security and your feelings seriously, especially given past experiences. 

You're making things overly complicated by focusing on it being a "blue" job. I've never used my penis to lock a door or window. 

C


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Sounds like a good choice of Manly duty to me. I frequently go out of my way to keep other people comfortable. Considering your history I could understand your obsession with locking. On the other hand I'm the kind of guy who packs light sticks in my scout box in case some scout is afraid of the dark. This kind of attitude has increased with age. 

I Like your question, "But why?
He flat-out disagrees that (1) it's important and (2) it's his job (or even partly his job). 
What do I tell him?"
The answer is in your first post. "Do other wives expect a sense of security from their H?" You say "because I need you to make me feel safe. Now go make sure there is no one in the house before you lock the doors." 

On the other hand, I had a co worker who moved to a small rural area from Las Vegas. His take on locking was that if he needed to lock his house every time he might as well move back and make more money. 

I hesitated to bring that up but it illustrates that there are two sides to every story. Considering your background your insecurity trumps his inconvenience. The same solution won't work for every person. 

MN


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

He says quite sincerely that, while single, he never bothered locking up and "nothing bad happened." I call that a Survivor Fallacy. Just because you've survived doesn't mean everything you did was "safe." You're just lucky. Not every smoker gets lung cancer, but that doesn't mean smoking is perfectly fine. 

When we went to MC, the counselor kept emphasizing that any of H's habits that caused an emotional reaction in me were my problem, not his--our emotions arise from how we interpret the past, not the present, and I can't force H to change just to make me feel better over something that's not a big deal. (Note: I fired the counselor. He blamed me for my feelings and refused to address H's behavior. I was the one being told "change your feelings, not your spouse." Sounds good until you realize the spouse really is making bad choices.)

I have an emotional reaction to knowing that H attaches zero importance to my safety. I am trying to "own" this feeling, but I am actually very disturbed by his casual attitude. I feel as if he is not concerned about my fears. I don't think they're irrational, but he does. Who's right? He won't look at statistics or news stories, by the way. He just rejects the data. 

Feeling invalidated is pretty much the issue which is why just locking up all by myself doesn't exactly solve the issue. I'm still pissed. If I'm the only one guarding the door, what happens if I forget? or if I'm not here, but my kids are, and the doors are left open?

I have decided I will get the dog, and when we travel, we will pay to have it boarded. 

He once told me he would divorce me if I got a dog. He hates them that much. But I think he underestimates the degree of my concern about household safety. 

Dog.


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

My DW comes from a country where this is the typical home. Looks more like a prison. Those are electrified fence wires on the walls. Virtually everyone in Brazil has been touched by home violence in some way. We live in one of the safest communities in America, and she still gets very upset if I forget to close any window I opened. I haven't had her experiences, but I do respect her enough to do the things she needs to feel safe.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

If you get a dog against his wishes, you're just playing along with his games. The two of you need to be partners in your marriage, not combatants. 

So you fired that counselor; did you two get another?

And quite frankly, even if your husband turned around and said he'd start locking up, I wouldn't trust him to do it properly or consistently. It's not a priority to him, and he doesn't see the need for it. 

C


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

Mr. Nail said:


> I had a co worker who moved to a small rural area from Las Vegas. His take on locking was that if he needed to lock his house every time he might as well move back and make more money.
> 
> I hesitated to bring that up but it illustrates that there are two sides to every story. Considering your background your insecurity trumps his inconvenience. The same solution won't work for every person.
> 
> MN


I think you're onto something here. My H wants to believe all is right in our little world and we are safe from what ails society. If he has to lock the doors OUT OF FEAR it is tantamount to admitting we are unsafe. I think he is trying to say we should not be afraid. To him, this is a way of feeling safer. My way of feeling safer is different. It takes human nature, statistics, and opportunity into account. 

Note that on two occasions we have had our cars rifled through (parked in our driveway & carport) when we forgot to lock them. He began to insist that the cars be locked at all times, especially our camper. This summer, I convinced him we needed a garage and our carport has now been converted into a lockable garage. 

The cars are in my opinion being provided more security than the house and its occupants! What the hell. Seriously, what is his problem.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

While we should "carry our own water" and "own our own stuff" yadda yadda ... marriage is or should be a deeply emotional bond. We are responsible for our own happiness ... But at the same time we put ourselves into each others keeping. This is called intimacy. Not everyone is up for that.

However, you are right, his logic is a fallacy. And frankly I would want to smack him in the head. Sometimes we do things because it meets the needs of our partner. Period.

I am always pushing His Needs Her Needs but this sounds appropriate here. 

I do not understand his deal with this. Such a simple thing to do to help make your spouse feel more secure. Sigh. If all needs were so readily attainable.

Being in a "safe" neighborhood helps only so far. These are great targets for some. High pay off. Then there are also the crazies. I am less worried about someone stealing something than harming someone. So they do not get that chance. Not their choice. Once they "break in". That is a boundary crossed. Legally it is best to be locked.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

questar1 said:


> I think you're onto something here. My H wants to believe all is right in our little world and we are safe from what ails society. If he has to lock the doors OUT OF FEAR it is tantamount to admitting we are unsafe. I think he is trying to say we should not be afraid. To him, this is a way of feeling safer. My way of feeling safer is different. It takes human nature, statistics, and opportunity into account.
> 
> Note that on two occasions we have had our cars rifled through (parked in our driveway & carport) when we forgot to lock them. He began to insist that the cars be locked at all times, especially our camper. This summer, I convinced him we needed a garage and our carport has now been converted into a lockable garage.
> 
> The cars are in my opinion being provided more security than the house and its occupants! What the hell. Seriously, what is his problem.


I hate FEAR. But he is in denial. Perhaps he fears facing the reality. Unreasonable concerns or obsessions are not good. But locking up is a reasonable thing to do.

I am cool with him doing this when he is single. I take some risks myself. But I never do when my wife is with me. I am especially aware of our surroundings at certain times and places.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Jung_admirer said:


> My DW comes from a country where this is the typical home. Looks more like a prison. Those are electrified fence wires on the walls. Virtually everyone in Brazil has been touched by home violence in some way. We live in one of the safest communities in America, and she still gets very upset if I forget to close any window I opened. I haven't had her experiences, but I do respect her enough to do the things she needs to feel safe.


Jeebus!!! I am working on my Forbidden Planet defense system.

I hope that home has a kill radius. Phalanx systems can be awesome as well.


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

PBear said:


> So you fired that counselor; did you two get another?
> 
> And quite frankly, even if your husband turned around and said he'd start locking up, I wouldn't trust him to do it properly or consistently. It's not a priority to him, and he doesn't see the need for it.
> 
> C


You are right. He has on multiple occasions, when he "agreed" to lock up, left doors not only unlocked but wide open to the night. House full of bugs in the morning. His reasoning? "I never go into that area of the house." "Other people do." "Then they should go lock it up." "They're not here/they're asleep already/etc., the doors/windows were opened early in the day." "Not my problem." As if only "his" part of the house is deserving of his attention and not the whole structure. 

Yup, it's on me. Which means that if he comes to bed AFTER I do, I wake up, walk sleepily around the whole house, and do the job. 

Personally I think this is a trust issue. He has put me at risk in other ways and this is feeding into those things. 

We did get a new MC who specialized in trauma. Helped me a lot. H finally stopped insisting on being best friends with his possessive exGF's (threads elsewhere describe that debacle). You might say that habit was another method he had of leaving doors unlocked. 

Maybe I'm still bitter.


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

Jung_admirer said:


> My DW comes from a country where this is the typical home. Looks more like a prison. Those are electrified fence wires on the walls. Virtually everyone in Brazil has been touched by home violence in some way. We live in one of the safest communities in America, and she still gets very upset if I forget to close any window I opened. I haven't had her experiences, but I do respect her enough to do the things she needs to feel safe.[/QUOTE]
> 
> Wow.
> 
> I don't think my H really gets how I feel. I'm not asking for concertina wire (with or without high voltage). I just want to feel like I matter enough to be kept safe.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Your husband is being very insensitive and not very loving.

So often when I come on TAM, I'm reminded just how lucky I am to have my wonderful husband. We will often both lock up at night if we're both up, he'll check some windows and I'll check some too. If I go to bed earlier than him I know he will check them all. 

He also comes outside with me after dark if I have to go outside, because I'm scared. He doesn't really understand why it scares me - we live in a good, safe neighbourhood and our house and yard is very secure, but he does it because he loves me and doesn't want me to feel scared. That's what a loving husband does.

I feel bad for you OP


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

It could be that your husband is passive aggressive. My first husband was like that. Good fodder too to tell me that I must be evil because I think the world must be evil. <<eye roll here>>

Thankfully my second husband is more careful than I am and I indulge him.


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

frusdil said:


> Your husband is being very insensitive and not very loving.
> 
> So often when I come on TAM, I'm reminded just how lucky I am to have my wonderful husband. We will often both lock up at night if we're both up, he'll check some windows and I'll check some too. If I go to bed earlier than him I know he will check them all.
> 
> ...


I guess this description was more what I had in mind and I am disappointed he turned out to have different assumptions. My mom always counted on my dad to "walk the fences" and keep us safe to HIS standards and there was in fact a shotgun behind the door!


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

NextTimeAround said:


> It could be that your husband is passive aggressive. My first husband was like that. Good fodder too to tell me that I must be evil because I think the world must be evil. <<eye roll here>>
> 
> Thankfully my second husband is more careful than I am and I indulge him.


I am more passive-aggressive than he is.

I told him I was going to remove all the locks from the doors and windows so that we had nothing to fight about any more. 

Strangely, he found this a really stupid idea.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

questar1 said:


> I am more passive-aggressive than he is.
> 
> I told him I was going to remove all the locks from the doors and windows so that we had nothing to fight about any more.
> 
> *Strangely, he found this a really stupid idea*.


PAs will never agree with you....... no matter how reasonable or unreasonable that you are.


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

questar1 said:


> I have decided I will get the dog, and when we travel, we will pay to have it boarded.
> 
> He once told me he would divorce me if I got a dog. He hates them that much. But I think he underestimates the degree of my concern about household safety.
> 
> Dog.


Honestly, I think this is a terrible idea. Everyone in your home should be on board with bringing in a new animal. It's not fair to anyone, especially the dog. 

Also, seems like you are combating passive aggressiveness with more passive aggressiveness. You said he would divorce you if you brought home an animal, are you trying to force his hand?


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## JASON56 (Aug 28, 2014)

i would think even if he did lock doors and windows, you would at some point check anyway, as you probably would not trust he did a Thorough job..
Do yourself a favour and just do it, i don't think it means anything because he is lacked in security.
Getting a dog is not going to help, it may make things worse if he barks at every little noise, i think you are over-reacting.


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

bravenewworld said:


> Honestly, I think this is a terrible idea. Everyone in your home should be on board with bringing in a new animal. It's not fair to anyone, especially the dog.
> 
> Also, seems like you are combating passive aggressiveness with more passive aggressiveness. You said he would divorce you if you brought home an animal, are you trying to force his hand?


:iagree: Bringing in an unwanted animal would be passive-aggressive, and unkind to the animal.

I don't think he's passive-aggressive. No; I think he is insensitive. He has admitted as much to me--he doesn't check in with others' feelings very well. Sometimes I think he has Asperger's. Math = genius. Empathy = say what? He told the MC that he often stops listening soon after I start talking because he determines that whatever I am about to say is probably not important. (This admission shocked the MC, I am pleased to report.)

When I get angry I feel tempted toward being a bit PA (my family of origin was expert at it) and I stop myself intentionally, because I really want to succeed in this relationship. PA is a form of revenge, so you need to dig 2 graves.

Also, I suspect his dislike of dogs is the equivalent of my terror at sleeping in an unlocked, unguarded house. I am sincerely going to present it as a compromise. I think it is reasonable under the circumstances. I am genuinely scared.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

My ex-husband has always been an extremely careless person. Especially with safety issues of any kind. He just felt nothing bad would ever happen. 

We lived in an ultra-safe community in a gated neighborhood with zero crime. He didn't use our alarm system and he didn't lock doors. I learned if I wanted to feel safe those things would be my responsibility because I couldn't make him think about them the way I did. And your husband isn't likely to either. That's a battle you're probably going to continue to lose. 

And if he's that opposed to a dog -- don't get one. It's unfair to your husband and to the dog.


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

Openminded said:


> My ex-husband has always been an extremely careless person. Especially with safety issues of any kind. He just felt nothing bad would ever happen.
> 
> We lived in an ultra-safe community in a gated neighborhood with zero crime. He didn't use our alarm system and he didn't lock doors. I learned if I wanted to feel safe those things would be my responsibility because I couldn't make him think about them the way I did. And your husband isn't likely to either. That's a battle you're probably going to continue to lose.
> 
> And if he's that opposed to a dog -- don't get one. It's unfair to your husband and to the dog.


That sure sheds the light of reality on a sucky truth. 

You used the word "careless." That is the essence of what scares me. I don't like being father/mother to my spouse. Being careless seems like a childish luxury for people who think other people are in charge. 

It is true that our insurance premiums keep going up because of stuff that has happened on his watch--house (accidental fall due to unkempt area, 2 fires from candles left burning), cars (he didn't even realize he had hit the other car--the police had to knock on our door; didn't know you could ruin a paint finish by scrubbing; didn't know the stone wall was "that close," etc. )...

I'm starting to see the whole picture here. 

He is probably too old to change. 

Sadly, in my last marriage the therapist said I was classically "hypervigilant." (Ex was an addict--VERY accident-prone.) I slept with one eye open. Became OCD about stoves, faucets, fireplace, cars.... Nuts. Here I go again.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old are your daughters? Teach them to help with the locking up so that they learn to do this.

I always lock doors as I go through them. My kids learned to do the same thing.


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> How old are your daughters? Teach them to help with the locking up so that they learn to do this.
> 
> I always lock doors as I go through them. My kids learned to do the same thing.


My daughters have inherited my obsession with safety. No problem there--except that they are still young and aren't quite as vigilant, not always anticipating details. (Like checking windows. We have a LOT of windows.)

Ironically this is another reason they find my H, their stepdad, of questionable merit. It should be his job, at least in part. 

We are in and out of the house all day, there are many doors/access points, it would be ridiculous to keep locking them and using a key to go in and out, trust me on this.... At the end of the day, SOMEONE needs to be entrusted to say: It's all buttoned up, sleep well. 

Apparently that is ME and I will be the gosh darn designated driver for the rest of my life, not allowed to drink or forget or be a slouch. I guess I resent that. (In my house growing up it was always my Dad.)

I am thinking a central alarm system that identifies open doors would be a good idea...I could do internal, wireless alarms & alert systems. 

Or a dog.... I might keep lobbying for a dog.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

richie33 said:


> Last one locks up. That should be the policy. I live in a very safe part of the city but bad things can always happen. Sunday night a elderly couple came home from celebrating their birthdays to find a 20 year old broke in the home and murdered the man and critically injured the wife. He then tried breaking into neighboring houses to hide from the police. Crazy things like that can happen anywhere.


Man speaks truth. I'm also in NYC and recall the story quite well.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

questar1 said:


> Note that on two occasions we have had our cars rifled through (parked in our driveway & carport) when we forgot to lock them. He began to insist that the cars be locked at all times, especially our camper.


Do you remember the Elizabeth Smart abduction? She was a teen girl taken in the night from their Slat Lake City home by a homeless man her dad had hired previously to do some yard work. Elizabeth was the same age as our daughter and lived in a nice neighborhood nearby.

The next day when the news hit, my wife asked me for the combination to the gun safe and to show her how to use the handgun. Previously she had humored my interest in shooting sports but not had any interest herself.

Sometimes people need to feel something personally before they are ready to accept that there are bad things which can happen to them. Your husband did so with the cars.

Take whatever reasonable steps you think are necessary so that he doesn't have to learn the hard way that even in a safe neighborhood there are threats.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

questar1 said:


> Sounds like we should just go on as we are: With me being in charge of locking up.
> 
> I guess what I'm saying is that I am deeply troubled that he doesn't care and all the responsibility falls on me. I think everyone in the house should care whether we are safe or not.
> 
> ...


Explain how locking a door equates to being the "man of the house". To me, that's really overly dramatic. For your own peace of mind, double check doors and windows as you see fit. It makes you feel secure. 

Don't get a dog specifically to oiss off your husband. Weigh the odds of a break in to crime statistics available for your area. Buy and install a security system if it helps you sleep better night.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

questar1 said:


> Sounds like we should just go on as we are: With me being in charge of locking up.
> 
> I guess what I'm saying is that I am deeply troubled that he doesn't care and all the responsibility falls on me. I think everyone in the house should care whether we are safe or not.
> 
> ...


Does your police department have a community outreach project? If so, perhaps one or two nice patrolmen could come to your house and talk some sense to your husband. He is ASKING for trouble.

And one thing more. If you have home insurance, see if it pays off for an unlocked and unguarded house.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

questar1 said:


> He says quite sincerely that, while single, he never bothered locking up and "nothing bad happened." I call that a Survivor Fallacy. Just because you've survived doesn't mean everything you did was "safe." You're just lucky. Not every smoker gets lung cancer, but that doesn't mean smoking is perfectly fine.
> 
> When we went to MC, the counselor kept emphasizing that any of H's habits that caused an emotional reaction in me were my problem, not his--our emotions arise from how we interpret the past, not the present, and I can't force H to change just to make me feel better over something that's not a big deal. (Note: I fired the counselor. He blamed me for my feelings and refused to address H's behavior. I was the one being told "change your feelings, not your spouse." Sounds good until you realize the spouse really is making bad choices.)
> 
> ...


Are you sure that this is fair to the dog? If your husband really hates dogs he could make your dog disappear one day when you are out.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

questar1 said:


> You are right. He has on multiple occasions, when he "agreed" to lock up, left doors not only unlocked but wide open to the night. House full of bugs in the morning. His reasoning? "I never go into that area of the house." "Other people do." "Then they should go lock it up." "They're not here/they're asleep already/etc., the doors/windows were opened early in the day." "Not my problem." As if only "his" part of the house is deserving of his attention and not the whole structure.
> 
> Yup, it's on me. Which means that if he comes to bed AFTER I do, I wake up, walk sleepily around the whole house, and do the job.
> 
> ...


Please forgive my saying this, but your husband and hence your marriage has some very serious problems. Left the door wide open, eh? Any drive by could see that. It is like pasting a kick-me sign on your butt.

As I suggested before, I'd go talk to your local police. And I wonder what other charming habits your husband has.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Op,

I get it's important to you but I'm having trouble agreeing with you. I'm very paranoid, I hate open blinds, can't even imagine open windows. But, at night I make sure the doors are locked. I don't think it's a "manly duty", my husband forgets to lock the door sometimes, well he forgot. It's not like he intentionally does it, I dont forget because it's important to me. Plus it's not "hard" to lock the door either, get a security system that you can lock with your phone or computer if it makes you feel better.

I also suggest everyone in your household signs up for a self defense class. Empower your daughters.


I always lose my wallet, we all do things that can drive our spouse crazy.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

questar1 said:


> That sure sheds the light of reality on a sucky truth.
> 
> You used the word "careless." That is the essence of what scares me. I don't like being father/mother to my spouse. Being careless seems like a childish luxury for people who think other people are in charge.
> 
> ...


Yes, I did always feel like the very responsible parent to a very careless child in my marriage. My ex-husband didn't consider himself careless. He felt he was normal and I just worried too much about all those unimportant things like our safety. I have many, many stories. 

In more than four decades of marriage he remained exactly the same. Now I don't have to deal with it.


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

sidney2718 said:


> Left the door wide open, eh? Any drive by could see that. It is like pasting a kick-me sign on your butt..


He said since he wasn't the one who had left it open, it was not his job (even though the last one up that night) to see that it was locked.


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

mablenc said:


> Op,
> 
> I get it's important to you but I'm having trouble agreeing with you. I'm very paranoid, I hate open blinds, can't even imagine open windows. But, at night I make sure the doors are locked. I don't think it's a "manly duty", my husband forgets to lock the door sometimes, well he forgot. It's not like he intentionally does it, I dont forget because it's important to me. Plus it's not "hard" to lock the door either, get a security system that you can lock with your phone or computer if it makes you feel better.
> 
> ...


Your mentioning blinds is interesting. For the first two years in this house he did not permit me to cover the windows. Not only were we freezing cold all winter, at night the windows were clearly illuminated and visible. He insisted that his preference for a clear view by day took precedence over my need for privacy (and comfort) at night. 

Finally I bought blinds, covered the windows, and showed him how you can raise and open the blinds. He claimed he didn't know you could do that with blinds! Now I can't believe I tolerated 2 years of avoiding walking around my own home at night. 

I am learning to stick up for what I know is right, especially when it comes to safety and privacy, and I honestly think he is mistaken when he dismisses my concerns. 

In some ways, I think he is simply ignorant and puts up a fight to avoid admitting he is wrong because of not thinking things through all the way.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

questar1,

I think your husband is irresponsible. It's both of your jobs to keep your job safe. He's not pulling his part of that responsibility.

The chances of something eventually happening is higher than most people realize.


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

Openminded said:


> Yes, I did always feel like the very responsible parent to a very careless child in my marriage. My ex-husband didn't consider himself careless. He felt he was normal and I just worried too much about all those unimportant things like our safety. I have many, many stories.
> 
> In more than four decades of marriage he remained exactly the same. Now I don't have to deal with it.


Thanks for this. I like knowing that someone knows what a sensitive issue this is and how many "stories" we survive.

I think ultimately I will just choose, weigh the pros and cons of marriage, decide which is more important....In so many other respects he is a truly good guy and I am very attached to him and he to me. I think maybe he honestly needs caretaking. I think I am just discovering what I signed on for. 

Yes--I see it--he needs a fricken caretaker. Maybe I do too. Is that what marriage is, mutual caretaking? He does a lot for me, he really does....

Maybe this is just reality, the way it is; and I will choose to stay or not depending on how whiny I choose to get over this issue. 

Reality check.

Dog? or husband. Hmm.


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> questar1,
> 
> I think your husband is irresponsible. It's both of your jobs to keep your job safe. He's not pulling his part of that responsibility.
> 
> The chances of something eventually happening is higher than most people realize.


I think so too. I think this is a dangerous situation. The question is whether I will drop it as a marital issue and just figure out a solution. I am currently looking up security services online. I think I do need backup--I can't do this alone no matter what other posters think--I can't be getting up all night long to double-check on careless husbands, children, guests, etc. not locking up properly. 

I think a few door and window alarms would do the trick.


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

Thor said:


> Do you remember the Elizabeth Smart abduction? She was a teen girl taken in the night from their Slat Lake City home by a homeless man her dad had hired previously to do some yard work. Elizabeth was the same age as our daughter and lived in a nice neighborhood nearby.
> 
> The next day when the news hit, my wife asked me for the combination to the gun safe and to show her how to use the handgun. Previously she had humored my interest in shooting sports but not had any interest herself.
> 
> ...


I appreciate this.


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

Revamped said:


> Explain how locking a door equates to being the "man of the house". To me, that's really overly dramatic. For your own peace of mind, double check doors and windows as you see fit. It makes you feel secure.
> 
> Don't get a dog specifically to oiss off your husband. Weigh the odds of a break in to crime statistics available for your area. Buy and install a security system if it helps you sleep better night.


It is inescapably true that I equate the man in my life with the person responsible for contributing to my safety. It lowers my esteem of him when he does not fulfill that role. It makes him seem wimpy to me. 

I struggle to respect a guy who tells me I am responsible for protecting myself and he is not going to contribute, and does not share my concern. I find it a sexual turn-off, in fact. 

I will take under advisement whether that attitude constitutes "drama" or is simply sexist.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Questar, reading this thread, I get the feeling you don't feel safe with your husband at your side, and in fact, he's making you feel even _less _safe with him at your side. You see him as working against you, either inadvertently, carelessly or even deliberately. And this extends beyond the unlocked doors and windows into multiple areas of your relationship. I also don't think you feel emotionally safe with him.

Have you ever felt safe with him?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

questar1 said:


> It is inescapably true that I equate the man in my life with the person responsible for contributing to my safety. It lowers my esteem of him when he does not fulfill that role. It makes him seem wimpy to me.
> 
> I struggle to respect a guy who tells me I am responsible for protecting myself and he is not going to contribute, and does not share my concern. I find it a sexual turn-off, in fact.
> 
> I will take under advisement whether that attitude constitutes "drama" or is simply sexist.


I think the word you're looking for is "protective." You need and want a man who is protective of you, of your family, of your marriage, and of your home. And you are turned off by a husband who isn't thinking in those terms at all.


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## Tabitha (Jun 17, 2014)

Age 50, married 25+ yrs. Hubby NEVER even thinks about locking up or making sure the garage doors are down. He might remember to put them down when he finishes "playing" (woodworking) or not (evenings after work). There's been plenty of mornings we've discovered they've been open all night. HOWEVER, the door into the house gets locked (by me). I don't always open to take a peek to see if they're down--hate to let bugs in that the kitties then chase all night, AND hate to wake him up with the door chiming (alarm). Heck, on his really early mornings (with me still in bed or in the shower) he used to forget to put the garage door down when he leaves, leaving the house unlocked and me sleeping or showering! He got in trouble enough about that that he doesn't do that anymore. 

Yeah, sometimes I wish he did it--but I'm such a worrier, I'd worry that he didn't get all the doors checked/locked that I'd go behind him and do it....which is I guess why he just lets me do it. 

Really, though--what's the fuss? Just lock the dang doors--does it really matter who does it??? Your (both of you) issues are deeper than who's actually locking the doors.


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## JASON56 (Aug 28, 2014)

This just seems so silly to me, considering leaving a husband because he fails to lock the doors and windows,, REALLY...i say yes you are responsible for you own safety, he will not be by your side every sec, of the day... you can make your own decisions about safety. 
Who is going lock the doors when living alone..
Does leaving a toilet seat up become a safety hazard that could lead to grounds of separation..
This is why marriages don't last very long, people cannot resolve trivial problems through-out there marriage.. God help them if there was a real issue.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I doubt that locking up the house is the core of the issue here.

The impression I'm getting is that there are larger issues that this is a symptom of... a very visible symptom. 

The OP does not feel safe with her husband or cared for.

When a person cannot give an inch to do something so reasonable to lock a door, or even just close exterior doors over night, it starts looking very passive aggressive.. like he's letting her know the he does not give a sh!t on some level.

I used to have a counselor who was a play therapist.. she was great. Her thing was to look at people's actions and not their words. The actions tell us more than words ever will. Remember that 70% of human communication is body language.

Questar can let me know if I'm wrong here.


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

OK, yes, I think there is some relationship psychology behind this situation. 

History: My H stood by while some very bad things happened to me. Basically played the wimp card. He watched me get very badly hurt and refused to help when I asked for help.

My other threads here attest to some of those events so I won't bore you. There were other incidents as well. 

In the end, much later in every case, he has apologized for all of it and admitted he had messed up. 

Meanwhile I had a breakdown and ended up in trauma therapy on suicide watch. Psychologically, I felt exposed, assaulted, and terrified. I lost all trust in him. So did my kids. The therapy was very helpful and as I say H owned up to being a jerk, i.e., no, I wasn't crazy, that stuff really did happen, and he had deliberately invalidated my experience which is a damaging thing to do to anyone who has been victimized or assaulted.

This is the pattern: He puts on a casual attitude when I inform him that I feel endangered. During one of his apologies, he explained that denying my sense of danger was a way of making himself feel strong. He had to prove everything was really okay, even if I kept saying it wasn't. 

He is probably doing the same thing here. "Don't worry so much about a stupid door. Nothing bad will happen." That is how he dampens down my concern. Denying my fear lets him off the hook for not knowing how to handle my fear.

He says that he likes to think of me as a strong person, and hearing that I actually have fears, or am hurt by things, upsets this view of me, so he has to shut me up. 

I am a strong person, but a lot of apparent strength comes from preventing bad things from happening, and being honest when bad things ARE happening. I don't think he understands that. 

Would I leave him over not locking doors? Of course not. But I would leave him over a long pattern of putting me and my kids in danger due to his negligence or denial. Or his unwillingness to talk frankly about it as a big pattern, and not as singular, petty disagreements. Most of all a pattern of invalidating my legitimate concerns for potential risk, such as leaving a house unlocked all night (once for an entire week while we were away). 

His invalidating my concerns gets in the way of finding a reasonable solution. My last conversation with him was NOT about who should lock the doors. It was about him telling me that my concern was unreasonable. That I had no reason to even care about the issue. 

THAT is the problem.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I figured that the issues were much bigger. 

I do not recall the stories about when you were hurt and he just stood by. Do you physically hurt by someone attacking you? Or do you mean emotionally hurt?

Getting an alarm system is a good idea. At least that way you would have warnings if doors and windows were open. My previous house had one and I loved it because it beeped every time a door or window was opened. With 3 teens and all their friends coming and going it helped.



questar1 said:


> I think so too. I think this is a dangerous situation. The question is whether I will drop it as a marital issue and just figure out a solution. I am currently looking up security services online. I think I do need backup--I can't do this alone no matter what other posters think--I can't be getting up all night long to double-check on careless husbands, children, guests, etc. not locking up properly.


I don’t understand… why would you need to get up all night long to double-check doors and windows. Don’t people in your house sleep at night, so that you can lock up once and you’re done for the night?


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> Sounds like he's just lazy and a little arrogant (and a little stupid to boot).
> 
> Get that guard dog. When your husband complains you can tell him that the dog is doing what husband refuses to do - caring about the family's safety.


get a nice 9mm pistol and carry it in your purse. Self defiense is a priority to you, treat it seriously. If you are anti gun, at least get some pepper spray, leave it in your purse, car, various places in the house.

There are special women's defense courses. In one day, you can learn a bunch of moves and improve your situational awareness.

You can change the locks to ones that lock automatically when you close the doors. That way you do not have to check them, just look to see the door is closed. Same with windows, you can add a stop on the inside so they can not be opened past a few inches...so even if they are left open, a thief can not easily enther thru it.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

questar1 said:


> It is inescapably true that I equate the man in my life with the person responsible for contributing to my safety. It lowers my esteem of him when he does not fulfill that role. It makes him seem wimpy to me.
> 
> I struggle to respect a guy who tells me I am responsible for protecting myself and he is not going to contribute, and does not share my concern. I find it a sexual turn-off, in fact.
> 
> I will take under advisement whether that attitude constitutes "drama" or is simply sexist.


It doesn't matter what label you want to put on your feeling. You feel this way and his behavior is a negative in your relationship. I don't think you need to second guess yourself too much here. You're perfectly justified. I do think the "who should lock the door" issue is just a symptom of a bigger problem, so perhaps you shouldn't dwell on it anymore and just lock up the house yourself and install the security system. One problem solved.

Clearly, your H's views about how a husband should show protective behavior towards his wife are not the same as yours. Perhaps he feels that he is taking care of you by having married you and built a home together? I didn't read all of the posts and I don't know the back story but perhaps you should just let this issue drop. You have a solution, albeit an unsatisfactory one, but it doesn't sound like he is capable of understanding your point.

I hope that he'll become more empathetic and perceptive over time.....


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

questar1 said:


> We are in and out of the house all day, there are many doors/access points, it would be ridiculous to keep locking them and using a key to go in and out, trust me on this.... At the end of the day, SOMEONE needs to be entrusted to say: It's all buttoned up, sleep well.


Crime doesn't only happen at night. I think the fact that you have all these doors and windows unlocked and open all day (many access points for intruders) contradicts your stated need for feeling safe. Why do you feel like things only need to be locked up at night?

A woman here was recently murdered in her home during the day while her husband was at work and kids were at school. They think the guy followed her home from the grocery store. Her doors were unlocked.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> I don’t understand… why would you need to get up all night long to double-check doors and windows. Don’t people in your house sleep at night, so that you can lock up once and you’re done for the night?


I meant, what if I went to bed first, I would have to get up again after H came to bed because he would not have given the place a final check-out. With teenagers and pets in the house, there's a chance that, if someone is still up, a door might get opened/unlocked--my point is, that's way too much responsibility for just me alone, everyone in the house should make sure it's locked up at night.Fortunately the young people are pretty good at double-checking but you never know. We have definitely awakened to discover doors unlocked and even wide open.... Hope that makes sense.


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

happy as a clam said:


> Crime doesn't only happen at night. I think the fact that you have all these doors and windows unlocked and open all day (many access points for intruders) contradicts your stated need for feeling safe. Why do you feel like things only need to be locked up at night?
> 
> A woman here was recently murdered in her home during the day while her husband was at work and kids were at school. They think the guy followed her home from the grocery store. Her doors were unlocked.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That sure doesn't make me feel any safer. I hate to think we all have to be locked indoors all day long. I garden a lot, pets go in and out, teenagers come and go from school, internships, etc.... I guess I can't control everything so thanks for the perspective.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

For the past three years I have lived in a town where people don't lock their bikes up, seldom lock their homes and frequently leave their cars unlocked and running (with their windows open during summer).

My wife and I are amongst a limited few that lock up our house and cars etc.


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

Personal said:


> For the past three years I have lived in a town where people don't lock their bikes up, seldom lock their homes and frequently leave their cars unlocked and running (with their windows open during summer).
> 
> My wife and I are amongst a limited few that lock up our house and cars etc.


Interesting choice.

Obviously there are many degrees of concern & awareness regarding personal safety. 

It becomes more of a concern when one's intimate partner makes fun of (or ignores) a basic need for security rather than helping to allay the fears. 

At least you guys are on the same page.


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

norajane said:


> Questar, reading this thread, I get the feeling you don't feel safe with your husband at your side, and in fact, he's making you feel even _less _safe with him at your side. You see him as working against you, either inadvertently, carelessly or even deliberately. And this extends beyond the unlocked doors and windows into multiple areas of your relationship. I also don't think you feel emotionally safe with him.
> 
> Have you ever felt safe with him?


This comment really caught my eye. You are correct. Little by little he has let me down and left me feeling scared and alone. It's as if he just isn't paying attention. 

More than that, safety is a HUGE item for me (as with most of us women) and early in the relationship I had the impression that he was very safe, very protective, and so maybe I had false hopes, in which case I need to be more realistic and less judgmental of who he really is. I'm trying. 

In many ways he has given me a lot of support and care, so the disappointments are all the more glaring. Sometimes I just don't understand how he can be so loving and caring and then so dismissive, invalidating, and unprotective. It makes me wary.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

questar1 said:


> Interesting choice.
> 
> Obviously there are many degrees of concern & awareness regarding personal safety.
> 
> ...


I hope you and your husband work it out, I consider it quite reasonable to lock the house up at night. Both of us check the doors in the evening before we go to bed as something we simply do without any discussion.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

questar1 said:


> Do other wives expect a sense of security from their H? He claims locking up is not important to him so I am in charge of checking doors/windows at night and when we leave the house.
> 
> He has reluctantly decided to "help" once in a while (if I remind him)--not because he thinks it's important but to be "nice" with my little obsession. Our discussions about this focus on the fact that HE doesn't need to, HE feels perfectly safe, and HE will "tolerate" my "sense of insecurity." As if it were fiction, but he's indulging me.
> 
> I feel patronized, not listened to, invalidated (that's bad on its own), but I am also fearful that he does not understand general security issues and particular issues involving women and teenage girls (we have a few daughters).


I stopped reading right here^^^, because I can't come to terms with the fact that a married man with daughters thinks very little of taking full responsibility for him family's physical security needs , and thinks his wife is " obsessed " because she feels physically vulnerable and insecure.

How can he think that securing the home is not important to him?
No.
That is his _first_ responsibility.

Funny thing is , about one year ago, I was flamed right here on TAM for saying exactly the same thing.

I was told that women don't need men to protect them.

My response was , my wife's physical , emotional and financial security is my responsibility , one I vowed to to upkeep and take serious responsibility for , intend to continue to do so.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

questar1 said:


> Your mentioning blinds is interesting. For the first two years in this house he did not permit me to cover the windows. Not only were we freezing cold all winter, at night the windows were clearly illuminated and visible. He insisted that his preference for a clear view by day took precedence over my need for privacy (and comfort) at night.
> 
> Finally I bought blinds, covered the windows, and showed him how you can raise and open the blinds. He claimed he didn't know you could do that with blinds! Now I can't believe I tolerated 2 years of avoiding walking around my own home at night.
> 
> ...


If this is true, there's something terribly wrong with the both of you. You want to blame everything all on him but in reality, you're 50% just as guilty. YOU have missed the mark concerning safety from Day One, especially since you have daughters in the house.

His lack of safety measures and your OCD safety concerns just are not compatible. I am wondering what drew you to this man in the first place. These are serious red flags...


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

This has to be one of the stupidest battles I have ever heard of for your husband to choose to fight. 

Why in the world wouldn't his wife and families safety but a top priority, as well as his own safety? It would literally take 5 minutes to lock up every night, what's the big deal? You would think with your past history of an attack he would be sensitive to your concerns, I just can't imagine why he would fight this. 

If I was you I would have a security door placed on the bedroom, at the very least you can have that as a safe room, maybe even to keep your bozo husband out! 

Of coarse if your husbands already at home and in the house there's nothing stopping you from walking around making sure the place is locked up.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Honestly, your husbands lack of care would really disturb me! I'm all for extreme education if I felt that my family was put in potential harm. The below is only a product of my imagination, but I secretly hope it would happen :

Get an alarm system installed. Give the company a passphrase to disarm the alarm if ever it was tripped it by accident. Give the arm/disarm code to your kids. 

If you go to bed before him, lock everything up. Set your alarm system. Don't tell him the code or passphrase. 

Tell him that if he isn't going to care about your/your daughters safety then you've decided to take full responsibility. He doesn't have to worry. 

If he stays up and wants to open the door, the alarm will go off. Bets are he will forget this at some point and trip the alarm. He won't know the code or passphrase. He'd actually have to talk over intercom to the security company and admit he doesn't know it. They will question his identity, it will freak him out, then in you come to give the passphrase, and say, "it's fine, my husband doesn't protect this house, I do." 

Then you go back to bed and leave him to process what just occurred.


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## kennethk (Feb 18, 2014)

OP - why not tell him you will be taking a pistol class and getting a gun to keep with you while at home?

Maybe then he'll hear you.


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## JASON56 (Aug 28, 2014)

I don't run around at night checking locks on windows and doors, because my wife is the one that does it and feels a need to be secure..she is usually up longer anyway, but she will have the doors locked at 8 pm..and through-out the day...don't dare go outside to take the garbage out without a key to get back in..
if your that concerned about security, why don't you take ownership of it instead of passing it on..
When you get a place of your own, wont you have to lock the doors and windows..or will you need to get a man to do it..


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

what's your address and where do you keep your jewelry?


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

Bottom line is you can't MAKE him feel the same way you do.

My BF is a NEAT FREAK. To the point of OCD (IMO.) I keep the house squeaky clean (he does help) to MY standards, but he sometimes gets aggravated at me because he "sees the potential for me to not clean." Huh? I keep the house clean, he admits I do, so WHAT exactly is his problem?

He feels like I don't place the same value on a spotless house that he does. And I don't. And I'm perfectly fine with that. I keep the house clean and that's what matters. My opinion on it shouldn't matter.

If your H doen't think you guys have anything to worry about, you can't change that. It's not that he doesn't care about your safety (surely?) but that his values and thoughts are different than yours. Different is ok.

Lock up and snuggle with H.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Personally I always make sure my doors are locked at night when I'm sleeping. My thought is anyone breaking in will have to make enough noise that I will be woken and have a chance to prepare. 

I'm not as concerned about locking the doors when I'm not home as things can be replaced. I recall my parents house getting broken into when I was a kid. The thieves did $1400 damage to the door frame kicking in the back door and stole around $500 worth of stuff out of the house. 

I think the majority of house break ins are unsophisticated criminals looking to make a quick score. If you make it even a little bit difficult for them they will move on to an easier target.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

My suggestion is to get an alarm system installed and have one control station installed in your bedroom. You can lock up before you go to bed and set the alarm.

I wouldn't go to the extreme of not giving him the passcode so that he is shamed when the security company calls.

The alarm system gives you the ability to secure the house when you are going to bed, and notifies you if your husband opens a door. When he comes to bed you can glance at the control panel and see that all doors and windows are closed, and the alarm is set.

If you would sleep through him coming to bed then you can't verify, so that is a loophole.

Honestly, I'd drag his sorry a$$ to MC and make this a line in the sand issue. Either he truly learns in his heart that for you security is an issue which threatens the marriage, or he will never learn it. You are not asking for anything abnormal or extreme! (Even if you were, you are fully entitled to your own needs and beliefs). You simply want him to respect your need for doors and windows to be secured at night and when the house is unoccupied!!!!

I think he needs to feel a lot of fear, anxiety, shame, or something similarly negative in order to shock him. Right now he sees no need to change.


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## Mestupxtian (Mar 30, 2012)

As a husband, I don't take a super active role in locking up the house at night. My wife turns on the alarm and checks the doors. Granted, I don't go outside in the dark very often anyway, so things stay that way until morning unlike your experience. 

Not all people feel the same way about security. My wife and I don't see eye to eye. I grew up in a safe neighborhood and so did she, but she is more paranoid about things than I am. She just makes it a part of her bedtime ritual to lock the doors. I try to do my part, but I just am not as vigilant as she is. It isn't a flaw in my character, just a personal preference/belief/whatever. My wife doesn't use it to bash my masculinity.

A couple of suggestions:
- Get a self-locking door with a keypad. That way, you and H don't have to have a key to get in.
- As someone else said, put stoppers on all the windows, so they can't be opened all the way.
- Install some hydraulic pistons like in businesses and schools that will close the door automatically every time. This in combination with the self-locking door knobs will go a long way toward security.
- Finally, get an alarm system. We just had one installed recently that has an app, so my wife doesn't even have to get out of bed to check that the alarm is on and all the doors are closed.

I think this is just a case of two people not seeing eye to eye on priorities over security. It isn't anything to separate over. As a man, I don't see why he doesn't take a more active role with your history of security, but I also don't see how you see him as less of a man or view this as a turn-off. How you react to your history and comparison of him with your father are things that only you can deal with. Sounds like you both have some work to do on this.


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

This is what I have distilled from reading all the comments. 

1. H and I don't see eye to eye on security, which has in actual fact caused harm to both of us--he may have preferences, but in many ways I am simply RIGHT, if OCD;
2. I co-dependently put up with his preferences until I finally take action (the window blinds, for instance)--I need to trust my needs, too;
3. I am going to get an alarm system, the same as I got the window blinds--just DO IT and he will realize it was a good idea all along to MAKE ME HAPPY--I LOVE the idea of the keypad/automatic locking, and the window stops
4. I believe that my persistent comments around this issue have already impacted him--he is already listening better (when I felt supported by the comments here I got more persistent); and
5. It's time to go back to MC and figure out why we have these huge gaps in our assumptions about basic, important things such as physical safety.

So, to sum up, there are two things going on--a problem to be solved (safety--getting an alarm system etc.) and also his tendency to pooh-pooh me, i.e,. invalidate my concerns. I think that is the bigger issue, actually. I don't think it's healthy to tell your spouse that his or her concern is "just your problem" and not listen to the reasoning behind it. It's so rejecting and devaluing. 

That's the part that troubles me the most. And an alarm system won't fix that.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

questar1 said:


> This is what I have distilled from reading all the comments.
> 
> 1. H and I don't see eye to eye on security, which has in actual fact caused harm to both of us--he may have preferences, but in many ways I am simply RIGHT, if OCD;
> 2. I co-dependently put up with his preferences until I finally take action (the window blinds, for instance)--I need to trust my needs, too;
> ...


I think that this is the core of your issues.. you have told us about at least 3 instances in which the central issue is that he invalidates you and even goes out of his way to show how much he invalidates you.

There is the incident of the people in the nonprofit accusing you of some very bad/untrue things. And he does not stand up for you and even continues working with them to the point of being there and participating while they denigrate you. WTH?

Then there is the window covering then. It's a load of nonsense that he did not know that blinds and curtains can be opened. He was opposing you to oppose you.

And now keeping the house secure. It sounds like it's not like he is not concerned but like he is going out of his way to dismiss your real concerns and to make the house less secure.


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> I think that this is the core of your issues.. you have told us about at least 3 instances in which the central issue is that he invalidates you and even goes out of his way to show how much he invalidates you.
> 
> There is the incident of the people in the nonprofit accusing you of some very bad/untrue things. And he does not stand up for you and even continues working with them to the point of being there and participating while they denigrate you. WTH?
> 
> ...


Yes, I think that's it. By the way, about the non-profit incident (other thread): I got a written apology from one of those people, last year, detailing their evil intent and m.o.--it was all there in writing, and what I had reported to H was completely vindicated. There are now 2 lawsuits pending against the group (I chose not to be involved, though). 

Last year (before I got the written apology, actually), I told H I would be leaving--I had had enough. He freaked out and scrambled to accommodate my concerns. I don't like to deal in ultimatums, I was just telling the truth: I can't take this any more, this feeling "erased" by invalidation. I felt nonexistent.

I guess this is just a reminder. I won't threaten to leave but somehow I need to draw a parallel: "This is what I was talking about, this is what makes being here unbearable." I hope he gets it. Denying my concerns for safety makes me feel like I am not valuable enough to protect.

He's a good guy with some bad habits.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

*Re: Re: H won't lock doors at night*



Thor said:


> My suggestion is to get an alarm system installed and have one control station installed in your bedroom. You can lock up before you go to bed and set the alarm.


This is a great idea.


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## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

I know this thread is old and commented on enough, but... the simplest thing to say is 'get over it'. This is such a minor issue, it's almost laughable. He doesn't need to feel the security of locks. You do. Why should it be his duty to lock up?

I was born and raised in a small town. No one locked their doors. When I got married, my wife was over the top worried about locking doors, closing windows at night (even upstairs windows), double locking back doors, locking the door from the garage into our house, taking the garage door opener out of our cars before going to bed, etc.... She is the one concerned about it. It's her job. She never mows the lawn, expects me to clean the bathroom/tub/shower, does no house repairs, doesn't touch the checkbook unless it is to spend. But she locks up the house at night. Let that be her duty. I am OK with it. So is she.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

wanttolove said:


> I know this thread is old and commented on enough, but... the simplest thing to say is 'get over it'. This is such a minor issue, it's almost laughable. He doesn't need to feel the security of locks. You do. Why should it be his duty to lock up?
> 
> I was born and raised in a small town. No one locked their doors. When I got married, my wife was over the top worried about locking doors, closing windows at night (even upstairs windows), double locking back doors, locking the door from the garage into our house, taking the garage door opener out of our cars before going to bed, etc.... She is the one concerned about it. It's her job. She never mows the lawn, expects me to clean the bathroom/tub/shower, does no house repairs, doesn't touch the checkbook unless it is to spend. But she locks up the house at night. Let that be her duty. I am OK with it. So is she.


So you feel not responsibility towards the safety of your children?


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

I think with OP past history it's not something she should just get over.


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## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> So you feel not responsibility towards the safety of your children?


We did not have children until we had been married for five years, three years of that in our house. 

If I am not as concerned about locked doors and windows as my wife is, that does not mean I lack concern over the safety of my children. It means I am not as concerned about locked doors and windows, let my wife take that responsibility. I feel safe and am not worried about my children either way.


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

wanttolove said:


> I know this thread is old and commented on enough, but... the simplest thing to say is 'get over it'. This is such a minor issue, it's almost laughable. He doesn't need to feel the security of locks. You do. Why should it be his duty to lock up?
> 
> I was born and raised in a small town. No one locked their doors. When I got married, my wife was over the top worried about locking doors, closing windows at night (even upstairs windows), double locking back doors, locking the door from the garage into our house, taking the garage door opener out of our cars before going to bed, etc.... She is the one concerned about it. It's her job. She never mows the lawn, expects me to clean the bathroom/tub/shower, does no house repairs, doesn't touch the checkbook unless it is to spend. But she locks up the house at night. Let that be her duty. I am OK with it. So is she.


It's a dealbreaker for me for someone to put my safety at risk. There may be degrees of true concern & I'm willing to compromise. Like your wife, I don't mind locking up, but my H has said "I locked up, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT," and then the next morning we learn: Nope. Doors were left open. And he says, "Not my door, not my problem." My feeling is that he has devalued me by not taking security seriously.

Ask any woman, most of us learn at an early age we are walking targets. We get followed, harassed, stalked, spied on, invaded, raped, and murdered. 

It is disrespectful of you not to take your wife's concerns seriously, although the way you have worked it out is perfectly fine. Who knows, her actions may already have saved your life and that of your kids.


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## Garrett (Sep 6, 2014)

I am at the complete opposite of this spectrum. I have OCD. I double/triple check every window and door in the house before I leave for work and before I go to bed.

My wife calls it "crazy people behavior", I call it being safe!


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

questar1 said:


> My last conversation with him was NOT about who should lock the doors. It was about him telling me that my concern was unreasonable. That I had no reason to even care about the issue.
> 
> THAT is the problem.


I'd find that type of invalidation or lack of understanding, frustrating. How did you respond and where can you both go from here? 


Locking up isn't my husband's domain. Either of us will do it. I have a particular way of closing up our home, mostly to help reduce noise. My husband has adopted this, despite not being convinced of my theory. He takes the dogs out when it's dark because he knows I don't feel safe although chances are, I'd probably be fine. And those times when he's met me at the train station when it's getting late? Yes, it makes me feel safe and loved. I don't 'need' it ...but as Entropy eloquently put, it's part of the intimacy shared and I appreciate it for what it is.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

questar1 said:


> So, to sum up, there are two things going on--a problem to be solved (safety--getting an alarm system etc.) and also his tendency to pooh-pooh me, i.e,. invalidate my concerns. I think that is the bigger issue, actually. I don't think it's healthy to tell your spouse that his or her concern is "just your problem" and not listen to the reasoning behind it. It's so rejecting and devaluing.
> 
> That's the part that troubles me the most. And an alarm system won't fix that.


Sorry, I posted before seeing this. 

I'm all for taking personal responsibility but there's got to be room for being human and being there for one another too. I don't understand the 'not my door, not my problem'. This is very much a daily need of the home. If he wanted to demonstrate this simple thing of locking up, then he'd just lock up. As you said, even if you lock up, the behavior may still be there and come out in different ways. I guess whether you carry resentment for locking up, is on you though.


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## CoralReef (Jul 1, 2014)

This entire situation is absurd, OP. You husband has consistently failed to help you feel safe and protected during the course of your marriage. 

A big reason why women like when their husbands are protective of them is because not only does it make them feel safe and secure physically and emotionally (emotionally in the type of situations where others might put your down, in-laws for example or mutual friends). When your husband is protective of your physical and emotional safety it also helps women to feel confident that they are *special, valued and priceless* in their husband's eyes.

OP your husband seems underprotective of you. Why are you still with him? Please don't say you love him. What does he actually do to be a good husband besides have some things in common with you and contribute to the family financially?

The reason I ask is because I cannot imagine being married to someone with such disregard for my family's safety. I would venture to say your husband may be a narcissist. He lacks complete empathy when it comes to your natural and reasonable concerns about safety. 

Also, I know there are a lot of empaths that do not want dogs because they either don't like them or don't feel like being responsible for an animal. With that in mind, the way your husband has exploited you in the past, his complete failure to make any attempt to protect you and your children and his saying he would divorce you if you brought home a dog indicates to me that it is his world and you just happen to live in it. He is too self-centered to take care of a dog, let alone help his wife and kids feel secure.

Back to marriage counseling.


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

FYI. Our garage is still under construction and the contractor disconnected the garage door yesterday, i.e., we could not shut the garage.

And all of our cars were completely plundered--because, out of habit, we did not lock them and no one checked "last thing at night" to make sure they WERE locked and the remotes removed. 

It was my H who discovered this and apologetically said "It's obviously important to lock up."

This is the way it goes. I hate being right.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Wow! Where in the heck do you live? 

I haven't locked a vehicle at home in a couple of decades now. We live out in the boonies, and locking them really won't do any good anyway. If someone wants in, they will be able to break in without anyone noticing.


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

larry.gray said:


> Wow! Where in the heck do you live?
> 
> I haven't locked a vehicle at home in a couple of decades now. We live out in the boonies, and locking them really won't do any good anyway. If someone wants in, they will be able to break in without anyone noticing.


It's a strange area in this regard. There is a large, youthful, transient population that apparently occasionally drifts through these streets pulling at car doors to find unlocked ones. We screwed up. 

But, talk about good timing.... We have spent the day discussing security. Everything has changed. 

After he told me the cars had been completely rifled (I mean TRASHED), I let loose--no holding back--you can call it "kitchen sink" but I reminded him of the other times he had left me feeling vulnerable and unprotected. With the evidence of my ruined car interior backing me up, his tone changed completely. I told him "either fix this problem WITH ME or there will be a Rottweiler in my bedroom at night." Ha ha. 

He's been a sweetheart all day about what WE will do (i.e., he is no longer dumping it on me). I told him that security & safety were my '"deal breakers" and I felt like things were broken. I can't go on in a relationship in which I feel constantly at risk. 

He even agreed to TAKE A SECURITY/SAFETY COURSE!!! 

And in good news, the contractor came over right away, restored power to the garage door, and installed a new deadbolt on the people-door to the garage.... Between him & my H, I got a lot of sympathy for being a pissed-off, upset wifey-poo on a Sunday morning! (I'm sure the guys commiserated w/ ea other too  )

We are also scheduling MC because I told H that he waits for this kind of meltdown/upset/breakdown before he listens to me and meanwhile invalidates me, and why does it take a disaster for him to take me seriously?

It's been a bad day and good day (I did lose some valuables in the ransacking). Overall, progress.


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## IcePrincess28 (Aug 4, 2014)

You tell him- please lock up- not because of whether or not he thinks it serves a security purpose- but rather bc of what it means to you. It means he care about your feelings. It allows you to know that he wants you to feel EMOTIONALLY safe.

Glad you guys were not hurt.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Thanks goodness this lesson was delivered against the cars and not any of you in the family.

It is often teens who do that to cars. They are easy targets.

Does your new garage have a door that goes right into the house? Or do you have to walk outside to the house after parking in the garage?

Make sure that when you get that security system, components are put in the garage. And get a motion activated flood light on the garage.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> It is often teens who do that to cars. They are easy targets.


Heh, bad joke I know.

When I was in high school, a nearby teen was shot and killed by a homeowner when he was "jokey-boxing" cars. The homeowner confronted the kid, shotgun in hand. The kid fled through a neighbors backyard, met the neighbors dog and doubled back right at the homeowner holding the shotgun. The homeowner fired at 2 feet and killed the teen. He was not charged, being a 70+ year old man facing a large teen running right at him with the guy yelling for him to stop.

So to say "they are easy targets...."


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

I am glad he is now acknowledging the need for security now. But, for when he did not, I feel I need to say this anyway…

If you feel strongly about something, even if he doesn’t, and you do, he must respect that. If something is important to you and he doesn’t respond appropriately, does that mean you are not important to him? Think about it.


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

dormant said:


> I am glad he is now acknowledging the need for security now. But, for when he did not, I feel I need to say this anyway…
> 
> If you feel strongly about something, even if he doesn’t, and you do, he must respect that. If something is important to you and he doesn’t respond appropriately, does that mean you are not important to him? Think about it.


Yes, that's what marriage is 

This was exactly the theme of the discussion we had that kept us up most of the night (an extremely rare occurrence but I was fueled by this thread). He kept trying to draw it back to "well, now we're locking the doors so it's all hunky-dory," and I kept shaking my head and saying, "It's about how we listen to what's important to each other, and you making me get to ultimatums or crises before you take me seriously."

Finally he said "I guess i don't know how to react to your worries and concerns, they make me feel personally attacked." (Damn male ego!) I suggested that instead of focusing on his reaction he could ask questions about the topic and let himself off the hook. Like, he could ask me, "What makes you feel that way? Did something happen? Can you give some details/examples? What would that look like? Can you tell me more?" He is SO self-referential he can't even just hear ME. 

He definitely kept acting like I was attacking him no matter what I said and it was very hard to find new ways to approach ANY subject. Finally he admitted it could be traced to low self-esteem, why else would someone ALWAYS feel attacked--even by a request to help lock doors? (and all the other incidents in the past where my expressed concerns turned into being all about HIM)

He is so busy defending his own fragile ego that he can't hear me. 

Is this fixable? It is such a lonely place to live, a relationship in which one person always feels threatened when the other partner speaks of her own concerns. 

Is there any kind of therapy that works for getting someone to stop being so defensive? It totally blocks communication. I feel so lonely and left out in the cold sometimes. One therapist we were with, the one I fired, kept telling us it was MY problem, I had no right to ask him to change when all I wanted was for him to pay attention, and listen, and the proof of it was that we got robbed in Europe, etc., this is REALITY, folks, not just some fluffy feeling on my part.

In fact last night I also told him I would not travel internationally with him till he took a course, read a book, anything, something to inform him of basic common sense, because I don't feel safe till he does. That puts a crimp in our plans for sure. 

I don't doubt my affection for him but this is a functional problem that is pretty close to a deal-breaker. 

I do recall that at one point the MC I fired admitted, "THere may be a component of Adult ADD going on here." (Why H doesn't pay attention, and also interrupts me but yells at me if I "interrupt" him--which I don't do--???)


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

IcePrincess28 said:


> You tell him- please lock up- not because of whether or not he thinks it serves a security purpose- but rather bc of what it means to you. It means he care about your feelings. It allows you to know that he wants you to feel EMOTIONALLY safe.
> 
> Glad you guys were not hurt.


Yes it's the emotional aspect that creates the issue, otherwise I'd just do the security thing and drop the whole topic. It was his telling me I was making a mountain out of a molehill. I felt belittled. He has totally changed his tune now. But again, it first had to become a crisis!


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

You're not paranoid, but I wouldn't rely on your H to lock the doors and windows, because it's not an issue for him. Then you'll be patrolling him to see if he did the lockup, which is worse then having to do the lockup yourself.

Maybe it's been said, but, you need a security system.
Then you can just set the system at night, and not have to worry about someone breaking in. Also when you return home from somewhere, you can be assured that nobody has got inside while gone.

If not a security system, a specifically trained guard dog. 
Which is nicer, because you can take it with you if you like, on walks, etc. When you come home, the dog lets you know everything's great.


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

"Woman," said Carl Jung, "is and always has been a source of information about things for which a man has no eyes. She can be his inspiration; her intuitive capacity, often superior to man's, can give him timely warning, and her feeling, always directed toward the personal, can show him ways which is own less personally accented feeling would never have discovered." [from Anima and Animus, p. 1]

I think men who dismiss women's warnings (concerns, advice) are not making use of a source of wisdom that has been offered. Too often, men seem to think that only one way of understanding a situation has to "win," like it's a competition, and losing is bad. 

I see it differently. Men and women's ways of perceiving and understanding complement each other. We need to listen to each other and not feel threatened by the differences in what we see or how we see a situation.


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> You're not paranoid, but I wouldn't rely on your H to lock the doors and windows, because it's not an issue for him. Then you'll be patrolling him to see if he did the lockup, which is worse then having to do the lockup yourself.
> 
> Maybe it's been said, but, you need a security system.
> Then you can just set the system at night, and not have to worry about someone breaking in. Also when you return home from somewhere, you can be assured that nobody has got inside while gone.
> ...


:iagree:


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Questar,

I've been reading, getting more than a bit riled, but strangely hesitant to pile on. 

First my assessment as a 25 year married male with 3 kids: 

On a zero to 100 scale where 50 would reflect me viewing your relative positions as equal in merit: 

This is a 100 / 0. 

This isn't about him and he doesn't get to make it about himself. 

It's about you and your daughters. 

That said, as wrong, lame and indefensible as his behavior has been, it's best for you to avoid a tone with him that reflects: 

You suck because ......

And instead be firm and direct with:

I need you to do XYZ, can you do that for ME? 

And if you get any resistance, you respond with a very sharp tone: This isn't about you, this is about ME and our daughters. 

------

I'm a mostly hands off guy. But if he were my son in law, I would have had a very blunt conversation with him by now. 





questar1 said:


> Yes, that's what marriage is
> 
> This was exactly the theme of the discussion we had that kept us up most of the night (an extremely rare occurrence but I was fueled by this thread). He kept trying to draw it back to "well, now we're locking the doors so it's all hunky-dory," and I kept shaking my head and saying, "It's about how we listen to what's important to each other, and you making me get to ultimatums or crises before you take me seriously."
> 
> ...


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Thanks goodness this lesson was delivered against the cars and not any of you in the family.
> 
> It is often teens who do that to cars. They are easy targets.
> 
> ...


Thank you, that only just occurred to us. Contractor is installing the motion sensor light right now.


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

MEM11363 said:


> Questar,
> 
> I've been reading, getting more than a bit riled, but strangely hesitant to pile on.
> 
> ...


I see now that his behavior is extraordinarily selfish. 

I probably should have called my Dad!  The one who keeps a shotgun behind the door and from time to time greeted my dates with it in his hands. "Just out lookin' for woodchucks."


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## Durnik (Aug 26, 2014)

I'm glad to read that you and yours are becoming safe, and that he changed his mind. I'd like to note, however, that in reading this thread, as well as his obvious low priority on physical safety, I noticed a few other things:

There is a strong current of "How do I make my husband admit I am RIGHT, and he is wrong? How I can I force him to change his behavior to what I want?"

A good amount of very detailed self-examination as to how much damage he is doing to YOU by being stubborn, and even some exploration into the question of if he is doing it intentionally or if it's ONLY through his carelessness.

An admission that a great deal of this need of yours to be protected comes from past experience, both with him and with others. Yet, when a MC advises you to look to yourself rather than dealing with him - you fire the MC.

I definitely thought at more than one point, "what would be the use of him agreeing to lock up - she'd be up right behind him, double-checking/second guessing his work anyway." With his past performance, probably not a bad idea, but very little incentive for him to yield, also.

I'm not suggesting that his PA traits are ok, or that disregarding your concerns are, either. But I would consider very carefully his admission that he felt personally attacked by you when the issue came up. It may be that there is more to it than mere wounded male ego - perhaps there is a real opportunity here to improve your own attitudes and approaches, along with his. Nothing strengthens a marriage quite like MUTUAL growth, struggle, and learning, after all.

I'm glad you both came to an understanding on how you can all feel safe and secure, though.


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

Durnik said:


> I'm glad to read that you and yours are becoming safe, and that he changed his mind. I'd like to note, however, that in reading this thread, as well as his obvious low priority on physical safety, I noticed a few other things:
> 
> There is a strong current of "How do I make my husband admit I am RIGHT, and he is wrong? How I can I force him to change his behavior to what I want?"
> 
> ...


:iagree:
I do try. And the MC was not fired just for that. Simply, we left every session angry at each other & it took days for us to recover. The guy was inept. And blaming me really didn't help. I kept notes (verbatim transcriptions). He really did some creepy stuff. H agreed. I don't feel this is the place to share all those details. 'nuf said.

I have no problem looking at myself... I'm wonderfully co-dependent and always blame myself first. That 's why it took 2 years for me to dare to put blinds on the windows. Seriously, H is a smart guy and he gets lots of credit for correcting me, teaching me, having good ideas. 

But what he does to me (like in this case) is called "invalidation" and it's not a good way to treat a partner. I do my best to understand his position but I don't get that in return--I get shut up and even jeered at. 

The reality in most relationships is that people take turns having heartfelt feelings & needs, and being absolutely spot-on right about certain issues. Is there anything wrong with being right in this case? when our very safety is at stake? 

In answer to the suggestion that I'd be "right behind him, double-checking," H and I specifically talked about that because you are 100% correct. So we have come up with a communication system such that we agree on what needs to be covered (esp since the cars got rifled) and share in "buttoning up the house" at night. We came up with a list to divide those duties and an agreement on how to check in with each other. 

I want a partner. So does he. This isn't just about the house. It's about our relationship. It's about respect and caring and listening. 

H thanked me again this morning for persevering in this very important issue and I thank TAM posters for supporting me in not giving up on something so central to our well-being. As for the rest, we're working on it!


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

questar1 said:


> ...and an agreement on how to check in with each other.
> 
> I want a partner. So does he. This isn't just about the house. It's about our relationship. It's about respect and caring and listening.
> 
> H thanked me again this morning for persevering in this very important issue and I thank TAM posters for supporting me in not giving up on something so central to our well-being. As for the rest, we're working on it!


Wow. This is a fantastic step. Well done to you both!


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

FWIW I am pretty sure H is above average on the autism/Asperger's scale (very high functioning though). I have been wondering about this for years and I think if it keeps coming up as a question, there might be something to it. 

There is just something different about the way he handles things that other people would consider normal. Like locking doors. (Other examples: Washing his clothes. Didn't see the point. Now he allows me to do it because I made it easy for him instead of fighting over it but it took me over 4 years to get his "permission" to do so. He is very, very rigid about weird stuff like that--makes no sense.) Also, he is a geek, a math whiz but can't read body language and often says he feels "confused" by the way people talk or act and doesn't understand what's going on. ??? He mixes up words a lot. 

He's an odd bird in a lot of ways. Maybe this incident is just the latest piece of evidence in my coming to grips with the weird way he deals with the world. And why he would be defensive--maybe he honestly just doesn't understand what I'm trying to say. ???


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

questar1 said:


> I probably should have called my Dad!  The one who keeps a shotgun behind the door and from time to time greeted my dates with it in his hands. "Just out lookin' for woodchucks."


Hah! I used to not hide my gun hobbies from daughters' boyfriends. My eldest coached one of hers to suggest we all go shooting. She thought she was so smart, but he did notice me hitting the 600yd target (12" diameter steel plate) with an old rifle with iron sights (no scope). Five in a row. 

Usually I gave the boys a tour of the trophy case with my daughter's handgun trophies. That was a better message for them to get!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Good.

I like all this. 

I'm sure your H has a lot of great qualities. 

That said, he's a HE, that means:
- Taller
- Stronger
- More muscle mass

And that means HE is in charge of security. 

I read am article last year. Was stunned - near speechless reading it. 

It was a survey of **** sapiens endowed with penises. I refuse to call them men as a group - for reasons that will become obvious. 

The survey consisted of a single scenario and a multiple choice response. 

You and wife are in bed for the night and you hear a suspicious noise. 

Do you?
(a) Get up and investigate 
Some other options I don't remember 
(d) Hide under the covers hoping your wife will investigate

The percent responding with (d) was more than 20 percent. 

I read that and wondered: how the fvck do you have sex with a guy who expects you to protect him? 

25 years is a long time. Stuff happens. Like the night the raccoon chewed through our phone line, the alarm system responded as if a criminal had cut the line on purpose. Happened at 2 am. I was in the living room flooded with adrenaline sub 5 seconds. That's just a hard wired response. 






questar1 said:


> :iagree:
> I do try. And the MC was not fired just for that. Simply, we left every session angry at each other & it took days for us to recover. The guy was inept. And blaming me really didn't help. I kept notes (verbatim transcriptions). He really did some creepy stuff. H agreed. I don't feel this is the place to share all those details. 'nuf said.
> 
> I have no problem looking at myself... I'm wonderfully co-dependent and always blame myself first. That 's why it took 2 years for me to dare to put blinds on the windows. Seriously, H is a smart guy and he gets lots of credit for correcting me, teaching me, having good ideas.
> ...


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

MEM11363 said:


> 25 years is a long time. Stuff happens. Like the night the raccoon chewed through our phone line, the alarm system responded as if a criminal had cut the line on purpose. Happened at 2 am. I was in the living room flooded with adrenaline sub 5 seconds. That's just a hard wired response.


Ha! Sorry but it reminded me of when my mother and I stayed away in the country together. We heard noises and were both whispering in the dark, getting freaked out, thinking there was someone outside, until the survival instinct kicked in and I suddenly put all the outside lights on, inside lights on, then started yelling 'Get the f*ck away!' and from memory, grabbed the broom stick. Ninja with a broom. Don't mess with me. Turns out it was a critter. She still laughs about it now. The emergence of this mad-determined-woman lol.

I digress... my husband absolutely has been the one up in the night with a baseball bat and checking out noises. I thought that was a given. I'd lose respect if he didn't or expected me to - especially as we don't have a broom.


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

Now that H is talking actively about security systems, checking and double-checking doors (he caught one last night that I had missed!), etc., I do find him sexier. 

Maybe I should have told him that sooner.


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

Just a note. All 3 daughters have learned to shoot (guns), both on the farm and at the range. They're good shots and they can disarm a weapon too. 

Still, I prefer preventive measures.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

questar1 said:


> Just a note. All 3 daughters have learned to shoot (guns), both on the farm and at the range. They're good shots and they can disarm a weapon too.
> 
> Still, I prefer preventive measures.


What do you mean by disarm a weapon? Removed it from a person carrying it?

Preventive is always better, always.


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> What do you mean by disarm a weapon? Removed it from a person carrying it?
> 
> Preventive is always better, always.


Take the cartridge/bullets out

No stupid around guns, basically....


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

This gets weirder and weirder. 

In a flukey development, it turns out that i left my cellphone in the car that was rifled. I virtually NEVER do this. In fact I rarely use my phone and never while driving, which is probably why I had taken it out of my purse and handed it to my daughter while we were in the car, and then I accidentally left it there. 

Since we have almost no cell service here at the house, I did not find out for FOUR DAYS that the phone was not only missing, but, acc to the service provider, has been extensively used by the thief. Talk about a breach of security! My contacts for the past 15 years are in there. 

I dealt with it--service terminated, new phone up and running--but what a weird chain of events. All of which began a day after I begged H to help me make our lives safer and he dismissed that as unnecessary hassle. (Additional cost: Replacing the phone took so much time & attention that we had to cancel a special date we'd planned. Wanna talk about hassle???)

I'm usually not superstitious but in the space of a week I had 3 losses due to security breaches, beginning with our last day on vacation having something stolen. (This wasn't a big deal, happens during travel, or so I told myself. But it was worth $80.)

I think that all of this is a reflection of the laxness and inattention within our marriage. Talk about a wake-up call. Yes, it was our contractor who screwed up the garage door, but WE DID NOTHING ABOUT IT and left ourselves wide open to damage. 

We have made our lives unsafe by not paying adequate attention to each other--that is my belief--I wonder if that is at the heart of most marital grief? Where else are we "leaving the door open" and forgetting to do something about it? 

Check your doors, watch your valuables, don't take anything for granted, and don't blame someone else if something bad happens. I am not just talking about physical possessions but how we safeguard our marriage.

I feel kind of numb from all of this.


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