# New here, long story...need advice



## dtc37

Hey all, been reading through the forum for some time now and been taking advice that has been given to others and using it in my situation but now I feel like I need to post to let some of it out and get a more personal opinion sorry for the long post.

Fiancé and I have been together for 5years engaged for 1 and have a 2yr D I'm 27 she's 25 and smoking hot but hates attention ..when we first got together she moved right in we were so attached, sex all the time parents love me, became part of her family ..Was great for about 2yrs, until she started on antidepressants for panic attacks then everything kinda went sour she completely changed started going out became real distant. Sex stopped had stopped and found that she cheated. which she never admitted, even when caught in the act(not a pleasant experience),broke up, she got off the meds which was a night and day personality change, started coming over to my place at the time to R which led to my daughter being born. So we started working on our relationship to the point to where I could trust her again. 
Until about a year ago where I started to notice the affection and passion dwindling, again. No real connection any more just sitting on her phone. Sex was kind of a hit or miss at times because of the baby in our bed. But it came to a stop eventually too. She started becoming very annoyed about everything, treating me like a POS, I started feeling very alone and when I got sick of it she dropped the ILYBNILWY, it actually came up every time I got emotional with her about how she was acting.
So that being a big red flag (that I learned from this site) I started my snooping and found that she changed all her passwords that were once open to me, didn't really think of it much till the phone bill came and saw 600+ texts to a number that I didn't know, looked it up found out she has been contacting her ex bf I don't know if this was a full blown PA or not but it really doesn't matter because cheating is cheating, At that point I started throwing her stuff out the door and shut her phone off and blocked the guys# which normally I wouldn't have done but at the time I got finished with reading NMMNG so I was a bit testy trying not to let her do this to me again and standing up for myself. So then came the waterworks and the sorrys. Which I didn't feel were sincere at all she was just sorry I caught her, but for two days she was acting like how I haven't seen in years very affectionate very emotional very sexual. 
So me being as lonely as I was, I gave in and accepted which was a mistake because the next day it was back to the cold person she was, which again I got very emotional and angry about how she can go from hot to cold, she stated again ILYBNILWY and wanted to move out. I started to panic and didn't know how to react because all of this comes at a very bad time because I just got laid off for the winter and we both share a lease so I was stuck with very minimal amount of money there was no way to pay for this place my self. Started to do a modified light 180, if she was going to go I wasn't going to stop her. So she decided to stay, and started back to being normal such as morning and goodbye kisses started having fun together asked if we were "OK".
Things felt like they were improving some went to a concert together. Then it came up she said that we weren't in or working on our relationship. she says there isn't anyone else and wants to be friends,but I don't believe her for a second all of the red flags are there. So now I am just completely done with it all. I'm in full blown 180 mode, working out the whole 9 kicked her out of my bed, no contact, everything. I told her to be in this 100% or be out 100% she said she doesn't want me like that anymore which hurt but I kept my ground and said fine. I do love her with all of my heart i did want us to work but I am just so exhausted 

So the questions I have are 
Does this seem like lingering affair fog? Or is it just she doesn't love me anymore?

Given my situation I don't know where to go from here. Do I leave? And loose my lease my deposit? Don't really have any money for another appt. Do I stay? And finish out the lease with no contact with ex?? 
Do I try to make things civil?? I really don't want her to feel comfortable.


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## GusPolinski

dtc37 said:


> Hey all, been reading through the forum for some time now and been taking advice that has been given to others and using it in my situation but now I feel like I need to post to let some of it out and get a more personal opinion sorry for the long post.
> 
> Fiancé and I have been together for 5years engaged for 1 and have a 2yr D I'm 27 she's 25 and smoking hot but hates attention ..when we first got together she moved right in we were so attached, sex all the time parents love me, became part of her family ..Was great for about 2yrs, until she started on antidepressants for panic attacks then everything kinda went sour she completely changed started going out became real distant. Sex stopped had stopped and found that she cheated. which she never admitted, even when caught in the act(not a pleasant experience),broke up, she got off the meds which was a night and day personality change, started coming over to my place at the time to R which led to my daughter being born. So we started working on our relationship to the point to where I could trust her again.
> Until about a year ago where I started to notice the affection and passion dwindling, again. No real connection any more just sitting on her phone. Sex was kind of a hit or miss at times because of the baby in our bed. But it came to a stop eventually too. She started becoming very annoyed about everything, treating me like a POS, I started feeling very alone and when I got sick of it she dropped the ILYBNILWY, it actually came up every time I got emotional with her about how she was acting.
> So that being a big red flag (that I learned from this site) I started my snooping and found that she changed all her passwords that were once open to me, didn't really think of it much till the phone bill came and saw 600+ texts to a number that I didn't know, looked it up found out she has been contacting her ex bf I don't know if this was a full blown PA or not but it really doesn't matter because cheating is cheating, At that point I started throwing her stuff out the door and shut her phone off and blocked the guys# which normally I wouldn't have done but at the time I got finished with reading NMMNG so I was a bit testy trying not to let her do this to me again and standing up for myself. So then came the waterworks and the sorrys. Which I didn't feel were sincere at all she was just sorry I caught her, but for two days she was acting like how I haven't seen in years very affectionate very emotional very sexual.
> So me being as lonely as I was, I gave in and accepted which was a mistake because the next day it was back to the cold person she was, which again I got very emotional and angry about how she can go from hot to cold, she stated again ILYBNILWY and wanted to move out. I started to panic and didn't know how to react because all of this comes at a very bad time because I just got laid off for the winter and we both share a lease so I was stuck with very minimal amount of money there was no way to pay for this place my self. Started to do a modified light 180, if she was going to go I wasn't going to stop her. So she decided to stay, and started back to being normal such as morning and goodbye kisses started having fun together asked if we were "OK".
> Things felt like they were improving some went to a concert together. Then it came up she said that we weren't in or working on our relationship. she says there isn't anyone else and wants to be friends,but I don't believe her for a second all of the red flags are there. So now I am just completely done with it all. I'm in full blown 180 mode, working out the whole 9 kicked her out of my bed, no contact, everything. I told her to be in this 100% or be out 100% she said she doesn't want me like that anymore which hurt but I kept my ground and said fine. I do love her with all of my heart i did want us to work but I am just so exhausted
> 
> So the questions I have are
> Does this seem like lingering affair fog? Or is it just she doesn't love me anymore?
> 
> Given my situation I don't know where to go from here. Do I leave? And loose my lease my deposit? Don't really have any money for another appt. Do I stay? And finish out the lease with no contact with ex??
> Do I try to make things civil?? I really don't want her to feel comfortable.


Well the good news is that you didn't marry her.

Tell her to GTFO. She can move in w/ her parents, her ex, or whoever. Demote her to co-parent (not "friend" or "FWB") and nothing more.

Oh, and DNA your kid.


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## Jellybeans

It may be lingering affair fog or she may just not be into you anymore.

My feeling is that if she isn't willing to work on the relationship with you, commit to you, then let her go.

Life is really too short to try to keep bringing a dead relationship back to life, or to hold onto someone who is flicking you off. 

Be civil for your daughter. Otherwise, do not pass Go with her and be done.

Good thing you didn't get married.


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## J3st3r

She seems very emotionally abusive... Please don't give her another chance. You are young and there are many decent women out there to give your heart to that will respect you and stay loyal.


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## Jellybeans

Oh and as Gus said, if she isn't into the relationship, tell her to GTFO. She wants out of it, so she can leave. You're not married (thankfully) so that is one less thing to deal with. 

Get a custody agreement into place for your daughter.


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## badmemory

In regards to your future with her; there is none. She's shown you who she is. Believe her. She's a serial cheater and told you she's not in love with you. Not a very auspicious combination. Move on with your life.

Talk to an attorney *immediately* about what you should do about living arrangements and child custody/support. Find out if you could be considered common law married in your state. Don't make a move before you get legal advice.

Sorry you're here.


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## dtc37

Thank you.. 
Daughter is mine ( she looks nothing like her mom and spitting image of me) 

will look for a lawyer today


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## SamuraiJack

dtc37 said:


> Thank you..
> Daughter is mine ( she looks nothing like her mom and spitting image of me)
> 
> will look for a lawyer today


Good for you.
Congratulations on standing up for yourself.


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## naiveonedave

dtc37 said:


> Thank you..
> Daughter is mine ( she looks nothing like her mom and spitting image of me)
> 
> will look for a lawyer today


do the dna anyway. You just don't know if one of her APs looks enough like you....


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## tom67

naiveonedave said:


> do the dna anyway. You just don't know if one of her APs looks enough like you....


:iagree::iagree:
Go to walmart they are not expensive anymore.
Doing this shows her what you think of her words which should be very little.


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## dtc37

In 100% on dna ..like I said I caught her in the act om is Albanian I'm Irish daughter is mine for sure.. But like you said I'll do it to show her how much I think of her word.. She really isn't a bad person she would tell me if she had any doubts about our daughter . It might come across that way because I'm so angry and annoyed. Our friends keep telling me to give her her space and that she is confused and knows that I'm the only person she wants to be with I think all that was doing was giving me hope. So it's nice to hear from people with experience


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## tom67

dtc37 said:


> In 100% on dna ..like I said I caught her in the act om is Albanian I'm Irish daughter is mine for sure.. But like you said I'll do it to show her how much I think of her word.. She really isn't a bad person she would tell me if she had any doubts about our daughter . It might come across that way because I'm so angry and annoyed. Our friends keep telling me to give her her space and that she is confused and knows that I'm the only person she wants to be with I think all that was doing was giving me hope. So it's nice to hear from people with experience


dtc it is showing you will not put up with being plan B anymore.
Good that you are seeking legal advice.
Just in case go buy a voice activated recorder and keep it on you so she doesn't try to file a false DV charge that gets you kicked out of the house and hurts custody for you.


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## dtc37

Will do .. Don't think she will do that. She's not like that at all that's why she was a keeper (well except for being sneaky) I dated girls like that before tho


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## G.J.

*Oh god please walk*

You will get and have got nothing but anguish, what for...yes great kids but the pain of being with her when the S**t hits the fan is too much

If you want all this drama to carry on for the * rest of your life* then stay

GIVE HER THE SPACE SHE WANTS..*ANOTHER STATE* WOULD BE GOOD

ADD
First time i've said walk to anyone :scratchhead:
Maybe because of your age ?


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## Q tip

Doesn't matter. DNA is also for shock value. Shows utter lack of trust based on her action. Part of the stack you execute. 180 and move on from the skank.

You forgot to read memorize and take action on Married Man Sex Life Primer. Fits her behavior to a T.

Anti-Depressants are typically used and messes up folks even more. There are natural ways that should,be sought out first. She should have sought out a competent Natropath. Her hormones could have been out of balance or other simple to remedy condition.

Anyway, she is who she is and that's that.


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## the guy

The way I see it is you gave her a second chance and she blew that chance.

I mean you went through hell the first time around so I am sure she saw how hurt you were....now she does it again knowing exactly the pain it will cause!

Fool me once shame on her, fool me twice shame on me. You busted her again, what the hell does she expect? What the hell does she think if you were doing this crap to her?

The best way to unconfuse your old lady is to take away "you" as an option.


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## the guy

Another benefit in having a VAR is being able to plant it some were were she talks on the phone and you can hear what her real plans are.

I remember one thread were the relationship was going great after the cheating and there was lots of affection only to find out the cheater was just buying time.

Listening to the cheaters plan and how terrible the cheater talked about the loyal partner. It was eye opening and motivation to get out of the toxic relationship.


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## dtc37

All great advice.. I am ready to walk emotionally .. Just not financially. I split the account when she was going to move. So I have no way of getting another place granted I do have friends I could stay with but we literally just signed a lease so I'm tied into it for a year is there any way to be not there and in the same house at the same time??or should I just say F it I have nothing anyway and just leave??


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## GusPolinski

dtc37 said:


> All great advice.. I am ready to walk emotionally .. Just not financially. I split the account when she was going to move. So I have no way of getting another place granted I do have friends I could stay with but we literally just signed a lease so I'm tied into it for a year is there any way to be not there and in the same house at the same time??or should I just say F it I have nothing anyway and just leave??


You could talk w/ the landlord / property manager about your current predicament. If they're nice and understanding about it, they may let you get out of it w/ minimal pain.

By the way, how long is the lease? 6 months? A year?


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## dtc37

Oh an I'm also with my daughter all day because of the winter layoff so i don't have to pay for dc but if I leave I don't know what to do about my daughter. she is my everything. And I would be crushed if I couldn't see her


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## dtc37

Year


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## G.J.

could offer him 3 months free rent as an opt out perhaps ?
Payable in instalements


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## tryingpatience

naiveonedave said:


> do the dna anyway. You just don't know if one of her APs looks enough like you....


I agree on this one. Do it anyway. Also, get a test for yourself also.


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## Graywolf2

Don’t get her pregnant. Use a condom.

Buy a DNA kit at WalMart, Amazon or about any drug store for about $30. Swab the inside of your cheek and the kid’s with a Q-tip. Mail it with $130 more to a lab.


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## dtc37

Not planning on any reconciliation.. So no more kids or romance or anything..before I found out about the texts she told me that she is depressed and wants to be young again ..I told her that she is young and can do whatever she wants and yesterday I did snoop through her fb didn't find anything even went thru activity log ..so her being confused and depressed is still on my mind and I feel like she needs to talk to someone but won't. she's very stubborn and tends to bottle things up until something drastic happens.. but I had enough of it already. I need to move on


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## dental

Smells like BPD.


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## Q tip

At least you'll have gained wisdom and increased ability to evaluate a person as a LTR candidate. This one ain't a LTR candidate. 

*hint, it's not skin deep. You've learned to look,much deeper than that. She is an attractor, but that's all she offers. The rest is too much aggravation, poor behavior and zero boundaries regardless of reasons.

You see, understanding why does not justify poor behavior. Never has and never will.


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## the guy

You may as well kick her out and find a room mate for the next year.


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## EleGirl

dtc37 said:


> Thank you..
> Daughter is mine ( she looks nothing like her mom and spitting image of me)
> 
> will look for a lawyer today


I have a son who we adopted when he was 10 days old. He is 25 years old.

He is the spitting image of me.. blond hair, blue eyes etc.

The fact that your little girl looks like you is not proof that you are her bio-father.

You can do a no-fuss DNA test. They are sold at most drug stores. You don't even need to tell anyone you are doing it. Use the swab to get DNA and mail it in.


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## EleGirl

dtc37 said:


> In 100% on dna ..like I said I caught her in the act om is Albanian I'm Irish daughter is mine for sure..


There are a lot of Albanian's who could easily pass for Irish... blue eyes, blond or very light hair, light skin.


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## EleGirl

dtc37 said:


> Oh an I'm also with my daughter all day because of the winter layoff so i don't have to pay for dc but if I leave I don't know what to do about my daughter. she is my everything. And I would be crushed if I couldn't see her


You have options:

Stay, take care of your daughter but disengage from her until your income starts up again. Then move your move.


Advertise the apartment and see if you can find someone who will take over the lease. If you bring in a replacement leasee the landlord might go for that.


Stay and find a roommate. She can leave.. and leave the child with you.


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## dtc37

Q tip said:


> At least you'll have gained wisdom and increased ability to evaluate a person as a LTR candidate. This one ain't a LTR candidate.
> 
> *hint, it's not skin deep. You've learned to look,much deeper than that. She is an attractor, but that's all she offers. The rest is too much aggravation, poor behavior and zero boundaries regardless of reasons.
> 
> You see, understanding why does not justify poor behavior. Never has and never will.



Not to sound rude I really appreciate any advice I can get right now ..but i did not just go looks. She is beautiful for sure but for 2yrs she was kind and generous and a people pleaser. She always cared for anyone never a bi** .. She Used to get very upset if she knew I was mad or something ..very emotional .. I'm not trying to give her the benefit of the doubt but. This all happened after taking a very low dose of Zoloft. She basically pulled a Miley Cyrus completely changed and never really came back to who she was after coming off it. So I believe PART of the problem is medical..it's just sad how a beautiful soul was lost. But she is who she is now.


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## dtc37

EleGirl said:


> There are a lot of Albanian's who could easily pass for Irish... blue eyes, blond or very light hair, light skin.


Still going to do DNA ..but I did catch her with him and om has black hair dark skin and probably missing teeth now haha that was 2yrs ago. I don't have any doubts my daughter is mine


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## naiveonedave

dtc37 said:


> Still going to do DNA ..but I did catch her with him and om has black hair dark skin and probably missing teeth now haha that was 2yrs ago. I don't have any doubts my daughter is mine


so she cheated on you with one guy, any reason to assume she didn't have another AP? Just saying....


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## farsidejunky

The push/pull dynamics really would make me consider one of the alphabet soup PD's. Also, anyone who can be caught in the act and still deny is a special sort of crazy.

It's a blessing you did not marry her.


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## Q tip

I always took a look at the parents too. Gives me an idea of dynamics. Apples don't fall far from the tree type thing. 

One BS has a Mommas boy issue with her WH. Would have been nice to see those parents in action first. 

Yes, I know, lots of crap parents and perfect kids too. But...


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## Q tip

dtc37 said:


> Not to sound rude I really appreciate any advice I can get right now ..but i did not just go looks. She is beautiful for sure but for 2yrs she was kind and generous and a people pleaser. She always cared for anyone never a bi** .. She Used to get very upset if she knew I was mad or something ..very emotional .. I'm not trying to give her the benefit of the doubt but. This all happened after taking a very low dose of Zoloft. She basically pulled a Miley Cyrus completely changed and never really came back to who she was after coming off it. So I believe PART of the problem is medical..it's just sad how a beautiful soul was lost. But she is who she is now.


Sure. Understood. Didn't read that anywhere.

Mind drugs are not safe. There are other ways. Drugs should be a last case, not a go to measure. I hate most doctors...


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## dtc37

Her parents were married really young.. And got a divorce because dad was out all the time not really there for the kids kind of a club rat/douche. Mom is very attractive very timid,quiet, people pleaser not the outgoing type exactly how my fiancé used to be, never heard of any cheating or anything from either side


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## dtc37

So I think I'm just going to keep the no contact going for now while coparenting. I really don't want to leave my place and I do need her income for now to help pay and she needs mine too, but as soon as spring hits I'll be looking for a new place. Or telling her to kick rocks


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## MachoMcCoy

dtc37 said:


> Does this seem like lingering affair fog? Or is it just she doesn't love me anymore?


It's B, I'm afraid.


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## 6301

dtc37 said:


> So I think I'm just going to keep the no contact going for now while coparenting. I really don't want to leave my place and I do need her income for now to help pay and she needs mine too, but as soon as spring hits I'll be looking for a new place. Or telling her to kick rocks


 I'll tell you another thing you better do. Find a better job where your not laid off all winter. That's like taking two steps forward and three step backwards. You now have a kid and if you have to pay support, the court isn't going to care if your laid off or not and you can find yourself in hot water.


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## dtc37

6301 said:


> I'll tell you another thing you better do. Find a better job where your not laid off all winter. That's like taking two steps forward and three step backwards. You now have a kid and if you have to pay support, the court isn't going to care if your laid off or not and you can find yourself in hot water.



Wish it were that easy .. Not paying for daycare in the winter alone is almost worth staying at my current employer.


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## TRy

dtc37 said:


> Still going to do DNA ..but I did catch her with him and om has black hair dark skin and probably missing teeth now haha that was 2yrs ago. I don't have any doubts my daughter is mine


 I wish that I had a dollar for every husband that said they were sure that the child was theirs because they looked like them, only to learn that the child was from another man. Until you caught her in the act you did not know about the other man. How do you know that there was only one other man? Since she picked you, why would she not pick another man that looked like you?


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## NoChoice

I am not a fan nor proponent of mind altering drugs. I feel they are very dangerous and very overprescribed. Many posts on here refer to the WS taking some drug or another. Better living through chemistry, not.

You said she was smokin' hot.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cxpYN-NK54Y


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## BrockLanders

NoChoice said:


> I am not a fan nor proponent of mind altering drugs. I feel they are very dangerous and very overprescribed. Many posts on here refer to the WS taking some drug or another. Better living through chemistry, not.
> 
> You said she was smokin' hot.
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cxpYN-NK54Y


I agree, they're taken far too casually. Many times if you're depressed, there's a reason. Attack the cause, not the symptom.


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## dtc37

TRy said:


> I wish that I had a dollar for every husband that said they were sure that the child was theirs because they looked like them, only to learn that the child was from another man. Until you caught her in the act you did not know about the other man. How do you know that there was only one other man? Since she picked you, why would she not pick another man that looked like you?



Ok swabed and sent out dna test..told her I did she thought I was joking because it's ridiculous. I just want advice about what steps I should be taking through all of this. I know Daughter is mine. Didn't really feel like explaining turning this into the Maury show. she cheated 3yrs ago but she pretty much said she didn't love me anymore like she is doing now just way more bit**y about it. we were staying at her parents house at the time so i was in the process of leaving heart broken because it all came from nowhere. I stayed at a friends went back to get my stuff early in the morning she was with her female friend and two other guys she sleeping on the floor next to one of them. I didn't actually catch them having sex. But only an idiot would believe that they didn't so I treated it as she did. Anyway after that I moved out fully and 1 month later she stopped the antidepressants and she was clinging to me like flys on shi* . Starting to come over everyday apologizing staying over trying to win my trust insisting that she never had sex with the guy and I never believed her. Im not saying she didn't but she isn't a real sexual person, only the type to have sex with someone really close to her trust me I've tried before we got together. we didn't have sex until she was my exclusive girl ...Anyway While she was living at my house few weeks went by we had sex and conceived my daughter we found out early right after she missed her P all the timing is right. But like I said I did the DNA just to shock her.


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## the guy

The step you need to take are all business, a hostile take over, and if your wife whats to submit and except her place then great, or she can fight it and then she can find something new while the company finds a replacement..

And just like any business you have start looking at liabilities and assets. make choices that benefit the company and cut losses that don't fit into the business plan.


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## the guy

Granted this is your marriage we are talking about, but after being screwed over *again* you need to show your old lady there is a new boss and she can take it or leave it.

An action that will show you what's she's made of and the commitment to saving this sh1t storm she created.....*again* and be a healthy coparent.

It sounds like this thing is toast, lets see which way your old lady goes.


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## Mr Right

Hello dtc37

Sorry you are going through this. So she has cheated on you at least twice you know of and you suspect she could have cheated again? Take it from experience, the mother of your daughter is a Hoe and as long as you keep taking her back, she will keep on cheating on you, over and over and over again (Cheaters don't change there spots). Kick the POS to the curb and move on with your life and find someone decent, that knows how to be faithful. I wish you luck for the future


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## dtc37

At least once that i know of not counting texts from her ex which is what all of this started from ...Last night She was supposed to take my daughter to her sisters and hangout there all night. Come to find out she left my daughter there so that she could go out. I found this out by driving by her sisters house to peak my curiosity. I don't think she went out with her girlfriends because if she did there would have been pictures all over social media. So I ended up picking up my daughter at 130 in the morning and brought her back home while she was gone just to make her feel like a pos


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## G.J.

I really feel for you dtc 

How much lower can she stoop

Stop thinking of her in terms of reconciliation and start to move forward as quickly as possible for your own sanity and in the long run for your children

The longer you allow your heart to think of her the more the cuts will wear you down


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## dtc37

G.J. said:


> I really feel for you dtc
> 
> 
> 
> How much lower can she stoop
> 
> 
> 
> Stop thinking of her in terms of reconciliation and start to move forward as quickly as possible for your own sanity and in the long run for your children
> 
> 
> 
> The longer you allow your heart to think of her the more the cuts will wear you down



Ok will do how do I kick her out if she won't go??


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## Mr Right

dtc37 said:


> At least once that i know of not counting texts from her ex which is what all of this started from ...Last night She was supposed to take my daughter to her sisters and hangout there all night. Come to find out she left my daughter there so that she could go out. I found this out by driving by her sisters house to peak my curiosity. I don't think she went out with her girlfriends because if she did there would have been pictures all over social media. So I ended up picking up my daughter at 130 in the morning and brought her back home while she was gone just to make her feel like a pos


So did she say where she was or what she was doing? Hate to tell you this dtc37 but she is already in a PA.


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## dtc37

Mr Right said:


> So did she say where she was or what she was doing? Hate to tell you this dtc37 but she is already in a PA.



Yea I figured.. But now she won't get out saying she lives here too and won't leave


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## dtc37

And I really don't want the cops here


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## LongWalk

If it is economically unfeasible to split up, just accept that. Go to your modified 180. Be civil. Hold on till you one of you can get another apartment.


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## ThePheonix

I'm a little late to the party but I'm going to go ahead and chime in. My man, part of your problem is you need clarification on several things. First, the ILYBINILWY has a critical part missing. It should include, BIIIAMAIWYJGL which means, Because I'm Interested In Another Man And I Wished You'd Just Get Lost. She had lost romantic interest in you before her first fling. When romantic interest is lost it seldom returns, when it does its never what it was and usually for want of something better.
When she said she wished she was younger, its "womanese" meaning she would like a do-over without you and the kid in the picture. Don't you ever wished you could get another crack at life, taking a different path in the process? (hence, why you caught her slipping around a second time)
And of course the "affair fog" which is really, "I want to be with some else, I'm inundated with how exciting it is to be with this person, but I'm stuck with you." 
Now a comment of your financial woes. While I can appreciate your desire for her to foot the bills while you're laid off, the lease is not a binding as you may be led to believe. Its the duty of the lessor to mitigate damages which means they have to make an effort to re-lease the property if you walk away. Depending on state statutes , tenants can often terminate the lease after a certain number of days of notice to terminate. 
BTW dawg, some of us don't buy your, " Not to sound rude I really appreciate any advice I can get right now ..but i did not just go looks". If that wasn't a primary factor, you'd never mentioned how "smoking hot" she was before you finished the first sentence in your second paragraph.


----------



## G.J.

1.You really need to see a solicitor to find out legally where you stand financially and regards to the children.


Then as LongWalk posted

2


> .If Its economically unfeasible to split up, just accept that. Go to your modified 180. Be civil. Hold on till you one of you can get another apartment


----------



## the guy

All you can do is start working really hard on the 180.

I don't remember but if you guys share a bed I suggest you change that and put her thing in another room.

I hope you have a journal going cuz what she did is worth making a note of. When the time comes and you have the cash you will need to show your lawyer.

Let her keep burying her self and keep track of her actions. One of these days it will pay off for you.


----------



## the guy

What did her sister say?

Is she aware of the cheating?

I'm guessing spring time can't come soon enough!


----------



## the guy

Did you confront her about the lie?


----------



## dtc37

Her sister is aware about our problems but she lies so easily she looked her straight in the face and lied just as she did with me. Yea I confronted her she kept defending her self. I didn't really ask what she was doing or where she was because it would have probably been bs anyway and her reaction is "believe what you want".But I'm just so stuned how she played it off that she was hanging with her sister and my daughters cousin. She's acting like she's 17


----------



## the guy

Then treat her like she is 17.

Start by sending her to bed without dinner.

Seriously....after this last thing she pulled, I would treat her like a ghost. Take your kid out to dinner with out her, go to the park,attend activities.....my point is start excluding her.
Let her rebel, document it and move on.


----------



## the guy

What are you planning for Christmas?

What ever you bought your girl friend , I suggest you return it.

I found it interesting you didn't even get an excuse. At least my old lady tried....tried to bull sh!t her why through when I busted her.

Hell your old lady just gave you the old "I'm phucking around and I don't give a sh1t" line!


----------



## the guy

One more thing...you need a GPS....

In a way you got lucky, your kid was actually at the sisters......what if that wasn't the case???????

What would you have done if you knocked on the door at 1:30 AM and the sister hadn't seen either her sister or her niece?


----------



## dtc37

the guy said:


> One more thing...you need a GPS....
> 
> In a way you got lucky, your kid was actually at the sisters......what if that wasn't the case???????
> 
> What would you have done if you knocked on the door at 1:30 AM and the sister hadn't seen either her sister or her niece?



Well then obviously I would call the police .. I've done my share of snooping and keeping tabs and it really just drives me crazy and consumes me.. I really don't want to be in that state of mind. So getting a gps will have me be monitoring 24/7 and seeing as we aren't married I really can't use the data for anything except just confirming what I already know...I just want it to end but it looks like given my current situation all I could do is stay and limit contact or drop everything and go stay with a friend.


----------



## the guy

You don't want to drop everything unless you want to lose any chance of full custody.

If you bail, at best you get visitation with her having primary custody....which will cost you $$$

Whats your goal here? Full custody and she pays you or visits on every other weekend and you pay her?


----------



## dtc37

During the summer I can afford to live at my place by myself with my daughter ..unemployment this year was very low.. Usually it's more than enough to live on. I guess you can say my goal is just to really not feel like I do.. Hopeless..i know it sounds immature but I really want her to feel the same pain as I am. I want her to feel so uncomfortable and hopeless But I'm afraid I live in a state that will never give a father full custody. I guess split custody would be ideal with neither payments on either side..


----------



## the guy

Your old lady is a cheater and a liar. She will live with that for ever.

You my friend will go on living and in time will meet someone new.

Unlike your old lady you will be able to look in the mirror as an old man and know you are a good man

Something your old lady won't have as she grows older, and man after man uses her, she looks in the mirror and ask her self what went wrong.....

So ya you are in pain now, but in the long run who will be in more pain?


Get through the winter, emotionally distance your self, put up the wall that you will need to protect you from her emotional torture and make you move when the money is right.

In the end you can rebuild your life.....your old lady may never be able to rebuild her character.


----------



## the guy

Have you asked for the engagement ring back? After all it was her that broke the promise to marry you!

I'm just saying...if she told you, "you can think what you want" then you think she is cheating and tell her you want the ring back for breaking her promise.

Then go sell it and get some cash!


----------



## the guy

dtc37 said:


> she says there isn't anyone .


Yet she has to lie to go out Saturday night!

Your old lady is a piece of work!

When I was going through this crap I found some humor in the bull crap excuses my old lady would give me.

I can't believe you didn't press for an explaination....you know ...just for the entertainment value.

It wouldn't be the 1st time a cheater was abducted by aliens.


----------



## dtc37

Yes I have the ring back .. I did press and she's sticking to her out with her friend story wich is a lie.. So she's not budging.. It's just more hurt right now to try to find stuff out so I just going to let her keep doing what she's doing.. If I don't pay attention the less it hurts. But I told her if she ever involves my child in any thing like that then I'm going to fight for full custody which is kinda a long shot but still.. And yes I've been not sticking around the house witch is kinda hard without cash but I've been hanging around with old friends which is kinda uncomfortable since I'm kinda further along with life if ya know what I mean


----------



## EleGirl

dtc37 said:


> Ok will do how do I kick her out if she won't go??


You cannot kick her out. She is right. It's her legal residence as much as it is yours. Neither of you can kick the other out.

What you can do is to file for divorce. Then you can move if she does not move out.


----------



## EleGirl

dtc37 said:


> Well then obviously I would call the police .. .


The police will not do anything in a situation like this. Your gf is your daughter's mother and has the legal right to take her daughter anywhere she wants for one night. You have the same right. 

Your daughter was safe with her aunt.



dtc37 said:


> I've done my share of snooping and keeping tabs and it really just drives me crazy and consumes me.. I really don't want to be in that state of mind. So getting a gps will have me be monitoring 24/7 and *seeing as we aren't married I really can't use the data for anything except just confirming what I already know...*I just want it to end but it looks like given my current situation all I could do is stay and limit contact or drop everything and go stay with a friend.



Even if you were married, that is all you could use the gps data for. Plus, it can be illegal to have a gps on her car regardless of marital status.

Do not move out to go stay with a friend until you are a custody arrangement in place. If you are just going to leave her, then quit trying to find out what she's doing and concentrate on your child and getting your new life started. You start your new life by first going to see an attorney to set up custody and timesharing.


----------



## EleGirl

dtc37 said:


> Yes I have the ring back .. I did press and she's sticking to her out with her friend story wich is a lie.. So she's not budging.. It's just more hurt right now to try to find stuff out so I just going to let her keep doing what she's doing.. If I don't pay attention the less it hurts. But I told her if she ever involves my child in any thing like that then I'm going to fight for full custody which is kinda a long shot but still.. And yes I've been not sticking around the house witch is kinda hard without cash but I've been hanging around with old friends which is kinda uncomfortable since I'm kinda further along with life if ya know what I mean


What times of day are you hanging out with friends? Where is your child when you are doing this?


----------



## dtc37

EleGirl said:


> You cannot kick her out. She is right. It's her legal residence as much as it is yours. Neither of you can kick the other out.
> 
> 
> 
> What you can do is to file for divorce. Then you can move if she does not move out.



Ok I know and realize that.


----------



## dtc37

EleGirl said:


> The police will not do anything in a situation like this. Your gf is your daughter's mother and has the legal right to take her daughter anywhere she wants for one night. You have the same right.
> 
> 
> 
> Your daughter was safe with her aunt.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Even if you were married, that is all you could use the gps data for. Plus, it can be illegal to have a gps on her car regardless of marital status.
> 
> 
> 
> Do not move out to go stay with a friend until you are a custody arrangement in place. If you are just going to leave her, then quit trying to find out what she's doing and concentrate on your child and getting your new life started. You start your new life by first going to see an attorney to set up custody and timesharing.



Ok I know she has a right to take her I didn't say she couldn't. It was the principal of her lying directly to my face saying she was going to be with her for the night she could of told the truth instead and it would have been fine with me.. Mind you I'm with my daughter throughout the day while she's at work all day. Then she has the audacity to say she wants to take her to her sisters to spend time with her. But basically pawns her off with her. I could have stayed with my daughter my self it's the fact she had to lie and sneak to make herself look good or something 

And her car is mine. I bought it. its in my name I could put what I want in or on my car. But I won't as I said before i don't want to be snooping it will drive me mad. 
I didn't leave her she left me she said it her self, she's just not admitting the om. I know as soon as he dumps her she going to try and get me back because she didn't tell anyone about the split. Shes comfortable because I'm still here. I guarantee if I were to pack and leave she would be kissing my feet. I just want to move on but I'm stuck.


----------



## warlock07

Don't snoop 24/7 but finding out who her OM is might be useful. You could use the info to put yourself in a better situation. If he is married, he might dump your gf like trash at the first sign of trouble.

And don't get into arguments with her. Avoid talking to her if you can. Don't get into fight or call her names just to feel better. 

Have you seen the 180 list ? Follow that if you can. Stay calm, stay focused.


----------



## dtc37

warlock07 said:


> Don't snoop 24/7 but finding out who her OM is might be useful. You could use the info to put yourself in a better situation. If he is married, he might dump your gf like trash at the first sign of trouble.
> 
> And don't get into arguments with her. Avoid talking to her if you can. Don't get into fight or call her names just to feel better.
> 
> Have you seen the 180 list ? Follow that if you can. Stay calm, stay focused.



I do have his phone # saved from when I blocked it but I never called or threatened or anything. Should I?? And I believe he is married but I can't find him anywhere on the internet or social media so i don't know exactly how I would get a hold of his W


----------



## warlock07

Don't be stupid and threaten him. For all it is worth, it could be your gf that was lying to him about you. Do you know what he does ? I believe there are some site that will give you the necessary info if you have the name and phone number. Does he live in the same town you are in ?

If you have his name, look up for him on Facebook using an account other than yours.


----------



## warlock07

One more question, how are you doing physically ? Start working out if you aren't. It will help a lot during the stressful situation


----------



## manfromlamancha

Sorry to have you here. Here is my tuppence worth of thoughts:


You know that she is cheating! And lying to you about it. So you know that this is over. There should be no question about reconciliation.
Absolutely you should tell the POSOM's wife or gf. But make sure you know who he is, where he lives, who his children are etc. Albanians are notorious for exacting revenge.
You need to expose to the world. There will come a time when you may enter a custody battle and you want the truth out there. You may need to gather irrefutable proof (see Weightlifters thread on gathering evidence) to do this first.
I dont understand your financial situation and how living with her makes it easier. Does she pay half of everything ? You need to get yourself financially independent of her asap.


----------



## Chaparral

The big flaw in you're reasoning is that you don't understand that being unemployed during the winter is making you look like less of a man to your fiance and any other woman you ever meet. You're not a provider in a womans eyes. No matter how much you make in good weather, you're still just a part time worker.

Fix that now. You have a kid and your own home to provide for. In her eyes your just another stay at home dad and she's the breadwinner.

We have a long history of cheated on stay at home dads here.


----------



## dtc37

Chaparral said:


> The big flaw in you're reasoning is that you don't understand that being unemployed during the winter is making you look like less of a man to your fiance and any other woman you ever meet. You're not a provider in a womans eyes. No matter how much you make in good weather, you're still just a part time worker.
> 
> Fix that now. You have a kid and your own home to provide for. In her eyes your just another stay at home dad and she's the breadwinner.
> 
> We have a long history of cheated on stay at home dads here.



Yes I do make good money during summer. enough pay for daycare which is as much or more than my rent at times. When we had everything together it was a blessing for me to be home in the winter. we save more than we did during the summer. I've been with my company 3 years so far. It has been all good up until now because we no longer share my bank account.. So in a way I guess we were/are codependent on each other.. It's not that easy to get another job which pays as much as mine does now.. Trust me I'm looking I'm not just sitting and saying poor me..


----------



## dtc37

manfromlamancha said:


> Sorry to have you here. Here is my tuppence worth of thoughts:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> You know that she is cheating! And lying to you about it. So you know that this is over. There should be no question about reconciliation.
> 
> Absolutely you should tell the POSOM's wife or gf. But make sure you know who he is, where he lives, who his children are etc. Albanians are notorious for exacting revenge.
> 
> You need to expose to the world. There will come a time when you may enter a custody battle and you want the truth out there. You may need to gather irrefutable proof (see Weightlifters thread on gathering evidence) to do this first.
> 
> I dont understand your financial situation and how living with her makes it easier. Does she pay half of everything ? You need to get yourself financially independent of her asap.


Not looking to R
Will the fact that she is cheating weigh in my favor?? We aren't married. Yes she pays half


----------



## dtc37

warlock07 said:


> One more question, how are you doing physically ? Start working out if you aren't. It will help a lot during the stressful situation



I am an average build 175lb no real muscle tone though. I am working out when I can ..no gym membership because money is tight. So just push ups and sit ups right now


----------



## manfromlamancha

dtc37 said:


> Not looking to R
> Will the fact that she is cheating weigh in my favor?? We aren't married. Yes she pays half


It depends where you are, but generally, not really. However, the judge will take it into consideration when other points are being made, like "she might be an unfit mother bringing strange men to the house" or " leaving the kid alone to be with other men".

Also you wouldn't want others to believe whatever sh!t she spouts about it all being your fault.

As others are saying, get a winter job too - it will help you with finances, raise your self-esteem as well as how you are viewed by future girlfriends.


----------



## dtc37

A little update on whats going on. The holidays have come and gone. I've stepped out and took a good look at the situation I'm in and I've decided to stay in my household and be civil with her no more fighting or being hostile at least im trying to be..I did show up at her moms house for Christmas as she did mine. She acts as if there is nothing wrong with what she's doing or has done, and actually had the audacity to sit on my lap at Christmas. I didn't think anything of it or told her to stop I just went with the flow which I'm not sure if that was a good idea or not. it was her decision to break up to begin with. We separated everything and she has gotten her own phone plan .. I have been working out and working on my appearance and confidence. I also joined a YouTube channel that helps very much with confidence and how to be a better man over all, it has helped extremely to start recovering. I have been going out to meet friends almost every night when she comes home to get out of the house after being with my daughter all day. I have put in tons of applications for a non seasonal job and got a few interviews which also was a huge confidence booster. 

It has been going good so far. Now my problem is I know I really can't go out every night to stay out of the house and I can't really do a no contact thing and we have to live together raise our daughter when I'm home I sometimes I still find my self emotional again. wondering what she's up too who she's texting all the time right In front of me ..sometimes I just want to rip her phone out of her hands and see but that would be very immature and stupid. She hasn't been going out or staying out late after work or anything so she's not "seeing" someone as far as I know. I just want some advice on living together while being separated. How do I do it?? How to not keep acting like we are together?? What should I allow?? What should I do to disconnect while living together?? Is that even possible?? I know it sounds kind of mean but I really want her to realize what she's done and doing..


----------



## G.J.

dtc37 said:


> A little update on whats going on. The holidays have come and gone. I've stepped out and took a good look at the situation I'm in and I've decided to stay in my household and be civil with her no more fighting or being hostile at least im trying to be..I did show up at her moms house for Christmas as she did mine. She acts as if there is nothing wrong with what she's doing or has done, and actually had the audacity to sit on my lap at Christmas. I didn't think anything of it or told her to stop I just went with the flow which I'm not sure if that was a good idea or not. it was her decision to break up to begin with. We separated everything and she has gotten her own phone plan .. I have been working out and working on my appearance and confidence. I also joined a YouTube channel that helps very much with confidence and how to be a better man over all, it has helped extremely to start recovering. I have been going out to meet friends almost every night when she comes home to get out of the house after being with my daughter all day. I have put in tons of applications for a non seasonal job and got a few interviews which also was a huge confidence booster.
> 
> It has been going good so far. Now my problem is I know I really can't go out every night to stay out of the house and I can't really do a no contact thing and we have to live together raise our daughter when I'm home I sometimes I still find my self emotional again. wondering what she's up too who she's texting all the time right In front of me ..sometimes I just want to rip her phone out of her hands and see but that would be very immature and stupid. She hasn't been going out or staying out late after work or anything so she's not "seeing" someone as far as I know. I just want some advice on living together while being separated. How do I do it?? How to not keep acting like we are together?? What should I allow?? What should I do to disconnect while living together?? Is that even possible?? I know it sounds kind of mean but I really want her to realize what she's done and doing..


Its not hard it your case I.M.O. as you both just need to sit down and talk on what is expected in the confines of the house for the well being of the child

Only thing I would make that is non negotiable is that no one brings anyone else back to the house

Soon as you are more settled and get that job you can plan further ahead

Do you want to R in your relationship as I get a sense in the way you post ?


----------



## MattMatt

G.J. said:


> Its not hard it your case I.M.O. as you both just need to sit down and talk on what is expected in the confines of the house for the well being of the child
> 
> Only thing I would make that is non negotiable is that no one brings anyone else back to the house
> 
> Why have you not filed for D yet ?
> 
> Soon as you are more settled and get that job you can plan further ahead
> 
> Do you want to R as I get a sense in the way you post ?


They aren't married, so divorce isn't an option.


----------



## G.J.

MattMatt said:


> They aren't married, so divorce isn't an option.


Opps big boo boo thx for pointing that out


----------



## dtc37

It's kind of a mutual thing that no one comes to our house.. My main concern is how I should be reacting. Do I try to make conversation?? Do I act like a friend?? Should I still do certain things like her laundry and pickup some of her stuf??.. I mean she does it for me.. She still cooks and cleans. Buys food and things for me.. Or do I ignore it ?? And go about thinking of myself?? I don't think she trying to R she's nice in her nature. Plus I believe she's still in fantasy land texting away all day recently more often ..If she did want to R during this I don't think I could allow my self to R just yet. There would have to be some sort of physical separation. Also a full change on her part to regain trust. Which most likely won't happen


----------



## G.J.

dtc37 said:


> It's kind of a mutual thing that no one comes to our house.. My main concern is how I should be reacting. Do I try to make conversation?? Do I act like a friend?? Should I still do certain things like her laundry and pickup some of her stuf??.. I mean she does it for me.. She still cooks and cleans. Buys food and things for me.. Or do I ignore it ?? And go about thinking of myself?? I don't think she trying to R she's nice in her nature. Plus I believe she's still in fantasy land texting away all day recently more often ..If she did want to R during this I don't think I could allow my self to R just yet. There would have to be some sort of physical separation. Also a full change on her part to regain trust. Which most likely won't happen


If you aren't following the 180 you will be in a world of pain when you find her doing it with some one or uses the house when your out to entertain

It will enable you to mentally separate from her as much as you can in the confines of the house

If she has an epiphany and you want to reciprocate at a future date you will be in a better place

So *180* and say thank you when she does some thing but don't engage in conversation only to be polite 

Buying food etc. for you is tying you to her so just ask her to stop as you have to start to do things for yourself

Its all depends on what you want as the way it is at the minute she's cake eating and will carry on as she sees you being her room buddy

Be a mute room buddy who couldn't care less IF you want your sanity in the near future


----------



## Dyokemm

No....do not be her friend.

And don't let her pull any more stunts like sitting on your lap in front of others.

You already said she was hiding the split from everyone else, so things like that are simply part of the act to hide her behavior from others.

That and her being nice is all evidence that you are being friend-zoned and used as a Plan B in case she can't find someone more interesting.

And it also shows that she thinks she will be able to keep you as a close friend if she does snag a new guy.

I don't know about you, but there is no way in h*ll that I would ever remain friends with a SO who had stabbed me in the back.

Of all the things I see from BSs here on TAM, the one that puzzles me the most is those who will stay friends with the traitorous pile of filth who just blew up their life and family.

It's rather stunning actually.


----------



## dtc37

I told her I don't want to be her friend.. I don't talk to her at all unless she starts conversation. I just try not to make it seem like it's bothering me. I feel if we are in the same room and she starts talking to me, ignoring her makes me feel I dunno childish, and petty almost. I'm trying to stay strong and confident but it seems like when I ignore her she turns it into a game or somthing and tells her friends and family that I'm ignoring her.


----------



## dtc37

We are also in the same bed too.. I know we shouldn't be .. But I won't be confined to the couch especially because I didn't do anything wrong..


----------



## Nucking Futs

dtc37 said:


> We are also in the same bed too.. I know we shouldn't be .. But I won't be confined to the couch especially because I didn't do anything wrong..


In a situation like this, flatulence is your friend.


----------



## GusPolinski

dtc37 said:


> We are also in the same bed too.. I know we shouldn't be .. But I won't be confined to the couch especially because I didn't do anything wrong..





Nucking Futs said:


> In a situation like this, flatulence is your friend.


"Look out, there's a roach on the ceiling!"

:lol: :rofl: :lol: :rofl: :lol: :rofl: :lol: :rofl: :lol: :rofl:


----------



## Nucking Futs

Here you go. 3 of these about 30 minutes before you go to bed should have you fluttering the covers. Make sure you lay on your side facing away from her so she can feel the wind you're breaking. YMMV, 3 does it for me. If you're like me, 4 will have you spending the night on the john.

Or you could go with the Sugar Free Gummi Bears if you dare.


----------



## Suspecting2014

Dtc 37

What do you want? R or split?

Any how you will be coparenting with her for a long time.

If R she needs to face consequences , if split you need to detach, so IMO 180 is a must. As you are living together will be hard...

Do not talk to her about nothing but child or money. When she steps in the room you get out. Do not sleep in the same bed, is not about who did wrong, is about respect your self.

I


----------



## tom67

Nucking Futs said:


> In a situation like this, flatulence is your friend.


:lol::lol::rofl::rofl::rofl:
Cleared the bases on that one.


----------



## dtc37

Suspecting2014 said:


> Dtc 37
> 
> What do you want? R or split?
> 
> Any how you will be coparenting with her for a long time.
> 
> If R she needs to face consequences , if split you need to detach, so IMO 180 is a must. As you are living together will be hard...
> 
> Do not talk to her about nothing but child or money. When she steps in the room you get out. Do not sleep in the same bed, is not about who did wrong, is about respect your self.
> 
> I


At this point we are living together for 9 more months at least, we have a child together, I feel like it would be easier to R that's if she is willing to take the necessary steps. I really would like to see us work it out instead of lawyers, child support visitations, jealousy, drama, moving again. As for the 180 I am doing the best I can while living together without looking like I'm trying to ignores her like I said before if she were to walk in the room I'm in and I walk into another room it seems childish. For example I'm sitting watching tv somthing I want to do and she comes in.. It seems like I don't have respect for myself if I were to leave the room giving her the power to make me leave just by her presence.. My thought is its my house and if she doesn't want to be with me than she shouldn't be around me not the other way around. Why should I stop what I'm doing just because she enters a room. Don't get me wrong when I start feeling sad or angry I do leave. But I don't feel like it should be automatic because then it feels petty. Oh and when it comes to breaking wind I always make sure she's around 😂😂


----------



## Dyokemm

No...you do not need to get up and leave the room.

I agree that that seems like pouting and is probably counterproductive.

But do not engage her if she tries friendly banter and conversation/commentary either.

Just ignore her totally except for short,simple, direct answers to NECESSARY questions/conversations.

Essentially....treat it like a work environment where you have to be civil with a POS that you cannot stand.


----------



## Locke.Stratos

dtc37 said:


> I know it sounds kind of mean but I really want her to realize what she's done and doing


This is very human of you. We all want to feel like we matter, especially when someone hurts us. She will realize what she has done but not at the moment because she knows that you are available to her and will glady take her back if she decides to return or gets dumped. She can only truly learn to miss you once you have moved on from her or you become involved with someone else. As long as you're still lingering around, longing for her to realize her behaviour and validate you, she never will.

When around her be self assured, confident and certain of yourself. You're not an a**hole so don't act like one or behave out of character.

You have good attractive qualities that'll have you finding a great woman who will love, cherish and appreciate you.

You're single and have been for a while, go out with your friends and family and just have fun. Meet new people and be open to dating or just talking and engaging someone you find yourself attracted to or interested in. Always be honest about yourself and have a gret time.


----------



## dtc37

Thank you. all very helpful tips just what I was looking for.. I will start doing what is necessary


----------



## Suspecting2014

dtc37 said:


> Thank you. all very helpful tips just what I was looking for.. I will start doing what is necessary


Keep venting if needed.

take care


----------



## MachoMcCoy

dtc37 said:


> I did press and she's sticking to her out with her friend story wich is a lie.


Sorry. I know this is old and you're WAY past this. But how funny that the story she wants you to buy is that she lied, ditched your daughter at her sisters then went trolling for men at meat markets 'till all hours of the night. That's the GOOD option.


----------



## G.J.

dtc37 said:


> Thank you. all very helpful tips just what I was looking for.. I will start doing what is necessary


what exactly is your plan for the next few eeeks


----------



## dtc37

Well it's been about 3 months since the break I would have to say It's been very difficult living with her until I found I can control my own mood. The thing I realized and a lot of people on this form should realize is that anything any emotion you feel can be controlled, I actually want to write a post about the power of meditation and state. Just a having a strong sense of reality. 

In a sense when a person gets cheated on or even not cheated just "in love" in general it's because they were in some sort of fantasy. When you're in this relationship fantasy (not saying everyone does this) you loose in touch with who you are, what you value and what you REALLY want out of life. All you think about is the value of your SO which after a while to the other person makes you look needy even tho you don't feel or act needy. I have been looking to my self and only my self for my positive mood, not validation from anyone especially a woman. 
What most men need to realize is that there are two types of men who get cheated on 1 the super alpha A hole who doesn't listen to their SO or 2 the little whining beta that lets their SO dictate their mood feelings and emotions even actions. So knowing this I looked into everything I want to do and instead of coming up with stupid excuses not to do it. I just did it. I stopped over analyzing and just started living in the present moment, found my purpose and what I want out of life in general which is a very attractive state to be in to a women. In conclusion I have found my value in my current state. I do still live in my house with the ex I still take care of my daughter while she works, I do go out every night to meet new friends. New connections. And I am keeping my job not going to look for a new one since I did get a promotion with a huge raise. 
For those going through this I want to give advice. don't let your emotions control you even though you might want to find out what she's doing and follow her and stalk her like a creep. Here's what you do STOP stop everything. look at your life as a whole not just your relationship. If you don't like something about you. change it stop making stupid Fing excuses and just do it. Take control of your own reality. Cultivate core confidence. Center yourself in the present moment. Draw state from within. Walk through the world with ease. Addict yourself to positivity.


----------



## Dogbert

Like *this*?


----------



## G.J.

So your living with her still and ...both going your own way doing your own thing and bringing up your child?


----------



## syhoybenden

Maybe I missed it but I can't recall ... what was the result of the dna test on your daughter?


----------



## Locke.Stratos

dtc37 said:


> Well it's been about 3 months since the break I would have to say It's been very difficult living with her until I found I can control my own mood. The thing I realized and a lot of people on this form should realize is that anything any emotion you feel can be controlled, I actually want to write a post about the power of meditation and state. Just a having a strong sense of reality.


I'm glad you've realized that even though that is the general advice and information imparted on this forum. You may not be able to control how you feel but you can control the way you react. 



dtc37 said:


> In a sense when a person gets cheated on or even not cheated just "in love" in general it's because they were in some sort of fantasy. When you're in this relationship fantasy (not saying everyone does this) you loose in touch with who you are, what you value and what you REALLY want out of life. All you think about is the value of your SO which after a while to the other person makes you look needy even tho you don't feel or act needy. I have been looking to my self and only my self for my positive mood, not validation from anyone especially a woman.
> What most men need to realize is that there are two types of men who get cheated on 1 the super alpha A hole who doesn't listen to their SO or 2 the little whining beta that lets their SO dictate their mood feelings and emotions even actions.


I think the above you've described is specific to you and your situation. There are various dimensions and reasons to infidelity but specific patterns do emerge. I would say that your Alpha and Beta observation is inaccurate, mostly because men (and people in general) are complex and cannot just be lumped into either alpha or beta. One can possess qualities of both or neither. Someone will cheat because it is within them, regardless of the traits of their partner, anyone can be cheated on. You shouldn't look to others for validation or your sense of self worth.



dtc37 said:


> So knowing this I looked into everything I want to do and instead of coming up with stupid excuses not to do it. I just did it. I stopped over analyzing and just started living in the present moment, found my purpose and what I want out of life in general which is a very attractive state to be in to a women. In conclusion I have found my value in my current state. I do still live in my house with the ex I still take care of my daughter while she works, I do go out every night to meet new friends. New connections. And I am keeping my job not going to look for a new one since I did get a promotion with a huge raise.
> For those going through this I want to give advice. don't let your emotions control you even though you might want to find out what she's doing and follow her and stalk her like a creep. Here's what you do STOP stop everything. look at your life as a whole not just your relationship. If you don't like something about you. change it stop making stupid Fing excuses and just do it. Take control of your own reality. Cultivate core confidence. Center yourself in the present moment. Draw state from within. Walk through the world with ease. Addict yourself to positivity.


Glad that you've made progress and are moving ahead with your life, be the best that you can be.


----------



## dtc37

Locke.Stratos said:


> I'm glad you've realized that even though that is the general advice and information imparted on this forum. You may not be able to control how you feel but you can control the way you react.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I think the above you've described is specific to you and your situation. There are various dimensions and reasons to infidelity but specific patterns do emerge. I would say that your Alpha and Beta observation is inaccurate, mostly because men (and people in general) are complex and cannot just be lumped into either alpha or beta. One can possess qualities of both or neither. Someone will cheat because it is within them, regardless of the traits of their partner, anyone can be cheated on. You shouldn't look to others for validation or your sense of self worth.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Glad that you've made progress and are moving ahead with your life, be the best that you can be.



I do agree that all situations are different. You're right it may be some people just cheat regardless of acting as an alpha or beta which I know is an extreme way of discussing a way a person acts or a personality but it is the only way to really describe a personality trait. But I believe and learned if you're truly in touch with yourself you wouldn't have "gut feelings" about a cheating spouse because you're not worried about it you're moving forward in YOUR life regardless. And hey if you find out they cheat while on your journey through life. then get them out of your "intimate" life if that's what you want. If you need to keep them in your life for reasons such as children or financials then treat them as anyone else not mean not hostile not butt hurt, but as a human being. Just keep moving on to your next goal in life. If you don't have a goal. get one


----------



## dtc37

syhoybenden said:


> Maybe I missed it but I can't recall ... what was the result of the dna test on your daughter?



Positive, not sure if that question was genuine or sarcastic , if you're trying to stir up an emotional response or to get a told you so type of satisfaction, but I'll choose to take it as you're really concerned and yes my child is mine.


----------



## syhoybenden

Not goading you at all.

Glad to hear she's yours.


----------



## syhoybenden

Does make it all that much harder though.


----------



## happyman64

Did you leave the results on the kitchen table for your Ex to see?

I would have.

Just for a reaction.

Glad you are moving on with your life.

Any plans to move out when the lease is up?


----------



## dtc37

Nope I'm staying.. if she wants to leave she can. With my new promotion I can afford it by myself


----------



## dtc37

I don't need any reaction from her at all. As long as I keep doing things to better my state, her reactions do not concern me anymore


----------



## carmen ohio

dtc37 said:


> I don't need any reaction from her at all. As long as I keep doing things to better my state, her reactions do not concern me anymore


So, dtc37 . . . you're just going to live the rest of your life with her, half ignoring her, half engaging with her, while the two of you raise your daughter together?

I don't mean to be a wet blanket when you seem to be feeling good about yourself, but it seems to me that you need to have a goal in mind concerning your relationship with her, develop a plan to achieve that goal and then implement the plan.

What you're doing seems more like rug sweeping and that rarely (if ever) ends well.

Am I missing something?


----------



## dtc37

carmen ohio said:


> So, dtc37 . . . you're just going to live the rest of your life with her, half ignoring her, half engaging with her, while the two of you raise your daughter together?
> 
> I don't mean to be a wet blanket when you seem to be feeling good about yourself, but it seems to me that you need to have a goal in mind concerning your relationship with her, develop a plan to achieve that goal and then implement the plan.
> 
> What you're doing seems more like rug sweeping and that rarely (if ever) ends well.
> 
> Am I missing something?



Yes you are missing something..you're missing the fact the relationship is over either way. I'm not engaging ROMANTICALLY, I'm not half ignoring her I was at first but then I realized. Life's is to short to be *****ing about a relationship that isn't going to work either way. I'm actually looking at it two ways I can sit and complain and ***** like most of the guys on here or I can look at a solution in a positive way. For my situation I found in my relationship I was being puttz shamed by my girl. the relationship got depolarized. She became the provider. all her femininity was gone. For me anyway. That being said I put my man pants on got up and started changing started taking charge of my own problems instead of playing the victim. I don't need a relationship goal because it is over. obviously she's the mother of my child and I'm going to treat her as such. As for the rug sweeping comment that's what chodes do when they *****es when their wife cheats and let's her do it. Me on the other hand I'm taking it as, its her decision to cheat that's her character. Not mine, I'm not going to get butt hurt and get all crazy and follow and stalk. Not going to ignore her because she's the mother of my child. But the relationship is over from her actions. So even tho we live together for now. I'm moving on with my life and moving towards my goals with or without a girl. Mabey finding someone I like along the way .Find someone I like to come home too instead of a manipulative cheater.


----------



## GusPolinski

Sooo... at what point will _one of you_ be moving out?


----------



## OldWolf57

he said they had about 9 more months Gus


----------



## dtc37

Basically I woke the fcuk up and looked at the reality of it. Maybe I'm being a bit judgmental but I feel like the people on here and asking questions I've discussed before are reaction seeking. Not sure why. Mabey it's because I moved and healed too quickly. While they're stuck in their own head and feeling sorry for themselves. I do feel sorry and I could help you if you'd like
I realized my problems and took action and I like to say thank you to the ones who have helped when I was being a indecisive b***h. I would like too help anyone who is really struggling just Dm me


----------



## Suspecting2014

dtc37 said:


> Basically I woke the fcuk up and looked at the reality of it. Maybe I'm being a bit judgmental but I feel like the people on here and asking questions I've discussed before are reaction seeking. Not sure why. * Mabey it's because I moved and healed too quickly. *While they're stuck in their own head and feeling sorry for themselves. I do feel sorry and I could help you if you'd like
> I realized my problems and took action and I like to say thank you to the ones who have helped when I was being a indecisive b***h. I would like too help anyone who is really struggling just Dm me


This must be true!

Most of the people that are here, me included, didnt used to have the strength to move that fast. You may consider thats why we believe you are fooling yourself about being over... this is just my opinion.

Anyhow, if you say you are done then you are! so what is your next move?

Does she know you are done for good?

Other question, if your kids mother suddenly wants to R would you do it?

I am glad you are much better.


----------



## dtc37

Suspecting2014 said:


> This must be true!
> 
> 
> 
> Most of the people that are here, me included, didnt used to have the strength to move that fast. You may consider thats why we believe you are fooling yourself about being over... this is just my opinion.
> 
> 
> 
> Anyhow, if you say you are done then you are! so what is your next move?
> 
> 
> 
> Does she know you are done for good?
> 
> 
> 
> Other question, if your kids mother suddenly wants to R would you do it?
> 
> 
> 
> I am glad you are much better.



I understand it is unusual for someone to move on that fast a lot has to do with reading ALOT also meditation and living in the moment. It helped me. I got these tips by being in a very emotional and unsure state by stumbling through YouTube searching about getting my ex back while searching I found a "pick-up artist" channel of a company called RSD which I really found a lot of pickup info but other than that I found that the owner of the company (Owen) very very inspiring. He has a lot of good insights about life in general even tho most of it is about picking up and having sex with girls but some of the videos are very inspirational and filled with valuable information. You should check it out. got to warn you its not for everyone and you might not agree with it but it helped me. mabey start with this one I actually urge anyone that is going thru a sexless marriage male or female to watch and actually listen to it
http://youtu.be/Jm2aKGI4fWM
Not sure why but audio isn't working just copy the link if u need 

From here my next move is to live the life I want instead of worrying about and revolving my life around someone else's or even living in my own head.

No I will not R. She doesn't know it because there's no need. If she asked me I would tell her but I do my best not to bring past or future up to her I usually discuss things happening at that moment.


----------



## carmen ohio

dtc37 said:


> Yes you are missing something..you're missing the fact *the relationship is over* either way. *I'm not engaging ROMANTICALLY, I'm not half ignoring her* I was at first but then I realized. Life's is to short to be *****ing about a relationship that isn't going to work either way. I'm actually looking at it two ways I can sit and complain and ***** like most of the guys on here or I can look at a solution in a positive way. For my situation I found in my relationship I was being puttz shamed by my girl. the relationship got depolarized. She became the provider. all her femininity was gone. For me anyway. That being said I put my man pants on got up and started changing started taking charge of my own problems instead of playing the victim. I don't need a relationship goal because it is over. obviously she's the mother of my child and I'm going to treat her as such. As for the rug sweeping comment that's what chodes do when they *****es when their wife cheats and let's her do it. Me on the other hand I'm taking it as, its her decision to cheat that's her character. Not mine, I'm not going to get butt hurt and get all crazy and follow and stalk. Not going to ignore her because she's the mother of my child. But the relationship is over from her actions. *So even tho we live together for now. I'm moving on with my life and moving towards my goals* with or without a girl. Mabey finding someone I like along the way .Find someone I like to come home too instead of a manipulative cheater.


OK, dtc37, but I still think you need a goal and a plan. Saying that the relationship is over and that you're moving on is insufficient. How is it going to be over and how are you going to move on? If you are going to continue to live together and raise you daughter together, that doesn't sound like it is over or that you are moving anywhere. Now, if you are you going to separate your finances, get your own place and seek custody or co-custody of your child, that would be a plan.

Don't get upset. I'm not questioning your decision, I'm just trying to make sure you've thought things through and know where you're going and how you are going to get there.


----------



## dtc37

carmen ohio said:


> OK, dtc37, but I still think you need a goal and a plan. Saying that the relationship is over and that you're moving on is insufficient. How is it going to be over and how are you going to move on? If you are going to continue to live together and raise you daughter together, that doesn't sound like it is over or that you are moving anywhere. Now, if you are you going to separate your finances, get your own place and seek custody or co-custody of your child, that would be a plan.
> 
> Don't get upset. I'm not questioning your decision, I'm just trying to make sure you've thought things through and know where you're going and how you are going to get there.



No worries, but I don't follow. not sure how I can prove it via text that I'm moving on. But yes when I say it's over and with her actions then it is . It was over before she even started texting her ex. Or when she said she wanted it to be Basically it was over when the sex and emotion stopped. So I'm not just saying it, but we both have our name on the lease for a year, and in not going anywhere if she wants to leave and still be responsible for half the rent, she's more than welcome too but I'm not going anywhere. Finances are already separate. Phones separate bills separate, agreement that no one comes to our house, ring has been sold, no custody arrangement yet since we got 8 months till lease end.
I don't know how else to prove it? Like I said I'm not going anywhere I love my place. She can leave whenever. I don't treat her poorly or anything we still raise our daughter and coparent together. She's my daughters mother and a roommate that's it.


----------



## the guy

Ya...this is when it starts to get phucked up.

Once the chick realizes that their old man has *completely* let them go and the crap with their new boyfriend start to fall a part...the poor bastard gets brain phucked by his old lady to try to work it out one more time.

But what the hell do I know...I'm wrong most of the time anyway.

I guess my point is prepare your self for the crazy shyt (Plan B crap) still to come. Hell, aftter 9 months and you guys split for good.....they usually come back (years later) sniffing around...realizing you weren't that bad of a piece of @ss after all.:lol:


----------



## BashfulB

I agree with Guy. She will either wake up and want to suddenly save the marriage or she will do something nasty and vindictive to get back at OP or get him kicked out. Not many women can live in limbo like that, unless they are getting their emotional spoon-feeding elsewhere, which is why I think she is still in her affair.


----------



## Suspecting2014

dtc37 said:


> No worries, but I don't follow. not sure how I can prove it via text that I'm moving on. But yes when I say it's over and with her actions then it is . It was over before she even started texting her ex. Or when she said she wanted it to be Basically it was over when the sex and emotion stopped. So I'm not just saying it, but we both have our name on the lease for a year, and in not going anywhere if she wants to leave and still be responsible for half the rent, she's more than welcome too but I'm not going anywhere. Finances are already separate. Phones separate bills separate, agreement that no one comes to our house, ring has been sold, no custody arrangement yet since we got 8 months till lease end.
> I don't know how else to prove it? Like I said I'm not going anywhere I love my place. She can leave whenever. I don't treat her poorly or anything we still raise our daughter and coparent together. She's my daughters mother and a roommate that's it.


Seems like you have everything figured out, Good for you!!!

So you will stay for 8 more months and then move to your own place.

IMO a lot may happen in 8 months so, are you prepared to accept living with her while she is in a relation with other guy?

Even if she respects your agreement (I seriously doubt she will) you may notice her talking to the new guy and leaving with her bags for the night.

In other hand, what do you think she may react if you find yourself a new girlfriend?

Good luck and keep growing and detaching.


----------



## dtc37

Suspecting2014 said:


> Seems like you have everything figured out, Good for you!!!
> 
> 
> 
> So you will stay for 8 more months and then move to your own place.
> 
> 
> 
> IMO a lot may happen in 8 months so, are you prepared to accept living with her while she is in a relation with other guy?
> 
> 
> 
> Even if she respects your agreement (I seriously doubt she will) you may notice her talking to the new guy and leaving with her bags for the night.
> 
> 
> 
> In other hand, what do you think she may react if you find yourself a new girlfriend?
> 
> 
> 
> Good luck and keep growing and detaching.



No.. even if the lease ends I'll re-lease by myself I've moved to many times in my life. She can go through the bs of moving. I'm not really paying any attention to what she does or who she talks to anymore but from what it seems like she just comes home and watches tv. Sometimes she try's to ask me to do stuff I just look at her with an ice cold look on my face. I know she won't have anyone here. Just by the way I carry myself now I have seen her giving me more respect than ever. If she wants to go somewhere than she can as long as she figures out a sitter for our daughter. I really could care less.


----------



## bfree

BashfulBull said:


> I agree with Guy. She will either wake up and want to suddenly save the marriage or she will do something nasty and vindictive to get back at OP or get him kicked out. Not many women can live in limbo like that, unless they are getting their emotional spoon-feeding elsewhere, which is why I think she is still in her affair.


I agree. The shyte is going to hit the fan at some point soon.


----------



## dtc37

bfree said:


> I agree. The shyte is going to hit the fan at some point soon.



Ok say shyt hits the fan per say. What is she going to do?? Move out ?? Go ahead I don't care. she can go live with her OM if there's still is one and she can go treat him like a puttz. We aren't married so there's really nothing to hit the fan. I will still see my child and say she does try to fight for custody which I highly doubt she would do. That would be her mistake because she knows I am a good father. I really think she's going to break down and try to save the relationship if anything. That's when I calmly and kindly decline


----------



## carmen ohio

dtc37 said:


> No worries, but I don't follow. not sure how I can prove it via text that I'm moving on. But yes when I say it's over and with her actions then it is . It was over before she even started texting her ex. Or when she said she wanted it to be Basically it was over when the sex and emotion stopped. So I'm not just saying it, but *we both have our name on the lease for a year, and in not going anywhere if she wants to leave and still be responsible for half the rent,* she's more than welcome too but I'm not going anywhere. Finances are already separate. Phones separate bills separate, agreement that no one comes to our house, ring has been sold, no custody arrangement yet since we got 8 months till lease end.
> *I don't know how else to prove it?* Like I said I'm not going anywhere I love my place. She can leave whenever. I don't treat her poorly or anything we still raise our daughter and coparent together. She's my daughters mother and a roommate that's it.





dtc37 said:


> *Ok say shyt hits the fan per say. What is she going to do?? Move out ?? Go ahead I don't care.* she can go live with her OM if there's still is one and she can go treat him like a puttz. We aren't married so there's really nothing to hit the fan. I will still see my child and say she does try to fight for custody which I highly doubt she would do. That would be her mistake because she knows I am a good father. I really think she's going to break down and try to save the relationship if anything. That's when I calmly and kindly decline


dtc37,

You don't have to prove anything -- I'm on your side.

But what I and I believe a few others are saying is that ending a relationship with a woman while continuing to live with her is fraught with potential problems.

Just be aware of this and, until you can separate from her, be prepared in case she starts to make trouble for you.

Good luck.


----------



## dtc37

Ok I get where your coming from and I know it seems kind of weird to some people but what I learned I can do with eating right and meditation is I can actually stop thinking and worrying about what "could" happen and constantly living in negative thought and clear my mind. Listen I know. I get it. yea there is a recipe for potential problems but am I going to sit around and wonder and worry about what next and whine and complain when something does like everyone else on this forum or am I going to stop that train of thought push forward be the man and start creating a life that I want. Trust me I know a lot of you guys on here are hurt and you probably have been for awhile I know but the way I see it is you can keep coming here complaining and have all the people on here feed off of that negative energy , or you can learn to dismiss the negative thought and emotions and find something you like thinking about. Look I'm not claiming to be be completely healed and strong, I'm far from it and yes I do find my self falling into old habits with her from time to time, but as soon as I realize that I'm doing it I say fcuk you too my self thoughts I say fcuk you, and snap out of it and continue to putout good masculine energy, and tell my self I'm the fcukin man and there's no need for that bs in my head. Believe me when I say living in the present moment is very powerful. To actually have a state of consciousness in the present is a very awakening experience and a book I recommend before attempting meditation is The power of now. It one of the few that helped me. 
Life is very very very short, I don't think any man has time to sit and worry about a woman that can't be faithful or feminine to him. Or what she can do if she's mad , When there are 3million more out there that could give him a happy life. To me it sounds obsured.


----------



## Roselyn

It's good to see a man stand his ground, especially when dealing with a cheater. I wish you the best...


----------



## BashfulB

dtc37 said:


> Ok say shyt hits the fan per say. What is she going to do?? Move out ?? Go ahead I don't care. she can go live with her OM if there's still is one and she can go treat him like a puttz. We aren't married so there's really nothing to hit the fan. I will still see my child and say she does try to fight for custody which I highly doubt she would do. That would be her mistake because she knows I am a good father. *I really think she's going to break down and try to save the relationship if anything*. That's when I calmly and kindly decline


Don't bet on it. And don't get too c0cky by thinking she would not flaunt the affair in your face. 

Read LoveMyJava's story. His WW put him through a living hell on earth and is still doing her best to ruin him. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/private-members-section/166713-wife-confessed-how-handle-her-romps-loverboy.html


----------



## Locke.Stratos

I've followed your posts since you started writing on here and I'm glad to read of the progress that you have made but what is it with these comments.


dtc37 said:


> I can sit and complain and ***** like most of the guys on here





dtc37 said:


> but am I going to sit around and wonder and worry about what next and whine and complain when something does like everyone else on this forum


You know that a lot of people who come here are generally lost, in need of help, desparate and wanting to share. You yourself weren't too different that long ago.

You took up meditation, scoured this forum and videos online to get to the place where you are now. It took a few months but you managed to move on.

Others aren't where you are and their circumstances differ from yours. Where you have a lease some have a mortgage, your relationship lasted six years, some here have been married for decades and their lives are firmly cemented to their spouses. Situations and factors differ.

No need to basically lash out and attack the ones seeking help here and those who contribute to this site. You speak of dismissing negative energy so how about not projecting it too.

All the best, keep up the progress, keep moving forward and take care of yourself.


----------



## dtc37

Locke.Stratos said:


> I've followed your posts since you started writing on here and I'm glad to read of the progress that you have made but what is it with these comments.
> 
> 
> 
> You know that a lot of people who come here are generally lost, in need of help, desparate and wanting to share. You yourself weren't too different that long ago.
> 
> You took up meditation, scoured this forum and videos online to get to the place where you are now. It took a few months but you managed to move on.
> 
> Others aren't where you are and their circumstances differ from yours. Where you have a lease some have a mortgage, your relationship lasted six years, some here have been married for decades and their lives are firmly cemented to their spouses. Situations and factors differ.
> 
> No need to basically lash out and attack the ones seeking help here and those who contribute to this site. You speak of dismissing negative energy so how about not projecting it too.
> 
> All the best, keep up the progress, keep moving forward and take care of yourself.



Thank you, I do apologize for my comments. But in my defense I said the same things to myself when I was in a bad place ..that's what got my ass in gear to change. But again sorry for my insensitivity I'm in no way judging or projecting negatively I do want to help others obviously i came here looking for help too but I'm just sharing what I learned that worked FAST for me.


----------



## Locke.Stratos

dtc37 said:


> Thank you, I do apologize for my comments. But in my defense I said the same things to myself when I was in a bad place ..that's what got my ass in gear to change. But again sorry for my insensitivity I'm in no way judging or projecting negatively I do want to help others obviously i came here looking for help too but I'm just sharing what I learned that worked FAST for me.


No worries, I get where you're coming from and I know that it's not from a place of malice. You've experienced a growth and evolution through your experiences and gained insights and knowledge and the one thing that knowledge demands is to be shared.



dtc37 said:


> I'm just sharing what I learned that worked FAST for me.


It was fast, like really fast and I am happy for you:smthumbup:.


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## dtc37

Well it finally happened she cracked. She's in full on breakdown mode. She's crying pleading begging. I know it sounds evil but I really enjoy seeing her like this. All the pain she's feeling is what I've felt at a time long ago. What happened was and what led to this, I was in my bed sleeping and her and my daughter came into my room I guess because my daughter wasn't feeling well so what the ex did was put a video on her phone to get her to fall asleep. I woke up again in the middle of the night with the phone bright as can be in my face so I picked it up and I don't know why but I decided to look through it. Man the stuff I saw was almost unbearable. If I didn't 180 and disconnect from her learn to meditate and control my emotions..I probably would have thrown up. Nude pics. Sexting. Saying that she loves his **** . Coming up with different positions for the next time . A side of her that I've never seen ..like some crazy sex vixen. I got to say it did kinda make my blood heat up a little. So what I did is I just gathered my self breathed for a bit and found that I really didn't care. I put down the phone turned over and went to sleep. But what Happened is I left the texts open in the background so when she looked at her phone she knew I saw them. 
Cue the water works. At first she was saying how upset she was that I looked at her phone. I said "if I were you I would find some place to go". She agreed. Next day she tried all the rug sweeping talks such as and I quote "as soon as I get home we are going to forget that all of this even happened." And "all I want is our family." And "We need counseling." I made it clear that she needed to leave and find someplace to go sooner rather than later. When she got home from work she didn't say anything she just handed me a card and was crying. I told her that I would open it later and left. In the card was her saying how sorry she was and that she will dedicate her whole life to trying to get me back. While I was at one of my buddy's house she texted asking if I read it I told her I did and she asked what I thought. I told her that I thought she should move out and that there's too much damage to fix anything. I told her I wasn't mad. It's ok to want sex and to be with someone that she's attracted to. I said that it was ok for it not to be me. If I can't make you feel feminine like that, then you won't be happy with me.
I've never seen more begging and pleading in my life. Next day she's gets up looks as if she was super hungover or something, probably from crying. Not much was said through the day until she came up while I was getting ready and started to cry uncontrollably full on begging saying she will do anything. Like I had a gun pointed to her head or something. Literally on her knees on the ground sobbing begging, I told her that I don't have any emotional bond to her anymore and the best thing to do is leave. She went with my daughter to go stay at her stepmothers house for the night. Now today I feel a little bit bad. Kind of just in my head a little that's why I'm updating the thread. To just get out of my own head space,get it of my chest. I know it is for the best to not even think about trying to work it out. but at some point we will need to be civil for our child. I don't want her to see her mother literally crawling and curled in a ball hyperventilating. So yea just wanted to share what was happening and keep it updated.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn

dtc37 said:


> Well it finally happened she cracked. She's in full on breakdown mode. She's crying pleading begging. I know it sounds evil but I really enjoy seeing her like this. All the pain she's feeling is what I've felt at a time long ago. What happened was and what led to this, I was in my bed sleeping and her and my daughter came into my room I guess because my daughter wasn't feeling well so what the ex did was put a video on her phone to get her to fall asleep. I woke up again in the middle of the night with the phone bright as can be in my face so I picked it up and I don't know why but I decided to look through it. Man the stuff I saw was almost unbearable. If I didn't 180 and disconnect from her learn to meditate and control my emotions..I probably would have thrown up. Nude pics. Sexting. Saying that she loves his **** . Coming up with different positions for the next time . A side of her that I've never seen ..like some crazy sex vixen. I got to say it did kinda make my blood heat up a little. So what I did is I just gathered my self breathed for a bit and found that I really didn't care. I put down the phone turned over and went to sleep. But what Happened is I left the texts open in the background so when she looked at her phone she knew I saw them.
> Cue the water works. At first she was saying how upset she was that I looked at her phone. I said "if I were you I would find some place to go". She agreed. Next day she tried all the rug sweeping talks such as and I quote "as soon as I get home we are going to forget that all of this even happened." And "all I want is our family." And "We need counseling." I made it clear that she needed to leave and find someplace to go sooner rather than later. When she got home from work she didn't say anything she just handed me a card and was crying. I told her that I would open it later and left. In the card was her saying how sorry she was and that she will dedicate her whole life to trying to get me back. While I was at one of my buddy's house she texted asking if I read it I told her I did and she asked what I thought. I told her that I thought she should move out and that there's too much damage to fix anything. I told her I wasn't mad. It's ok to want sex and to be with someone that she's attracted to. I said that it was ok for it not to be me. If I can't make you feel feminine like that, then you won't be happy with me.
> I've never seen more begging and pleading in my life. Next day she's gets up looks as if she was super hungover or something, probably from crying. Not much was said through the day until she came up while I was getting ready and started to cry uncontrollably full on begging saying she will do anything. Like I had a gun pointed to her head or something. Literally on her knees on the ground sobbing begging, I told her that I don't have any emotional bond to her anymore and the best thing to do is leave. She went with my daughter to go stay at her stepmothers house for the night. Now today I feel a little bit bad. Kind of just in my head a little that's why I'm updating the thread. To just get out of my own head space,get it of my chest. I know it is for the best to not even think about trying to work it out. but at some point we will need to be civil for our child. I don't want her to see her mother literally crawling and curled in a ball hyperventilating. So yea just wanted to share what was happening and keep it updated.



Her emotional, curled up in a ball, snot dripping, crying and wailing are pure theatrics, nothing else. Actors/Actresses do this all the time. Ignore her theatrics, just like she ignored your feelings while lying to your face. She is crying not because she hurt you but because she compromised her relationship with a great back up plan - you. That is how she sees you. Pure and simple, you know this already - it is not news to you. 
Those texts and photos should be the final nail in the coffin of any reconciliation. You can be civil to her (as you must be for your child) without being responsible for her theatrics. Ignore her drama. Her histrionic performances in front of your daughter are just pure manipulation - emotional blackmail directed towards you. Unless your daughter is in immediate danger don’t give her wailing a second thought. 
Is there any reason why you or she cannot talk to the landlord and yourselves find a roommate - to take over the lease? Then you both co-parent and move on.


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## bfree

So she was only sorry after you discovered her nude pictures and sexting? Were these recent conversations? If so why the abrupt turnaround? She went from loving his **** to not being able to live without you? And as for the snot bubbles and water works, didn't you get the exact same thing two years ago? I would ask her how these tears are any different from the tears she shed two years ago.


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## Suspecting2014

IMO you should avoid any interaction with her but D related, no room for her to display more drama.

Dont feel bad, all this mess is on her. You have behaved much better than she deserve.

You will be in toch for a long time with her as she is your D mother so keep acting like you have, calm and friendly but firm.

Dont be mean to her and dont give her any hope if there is not a chance...


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## BobSimmons

Ahh the snot face, red eye, curled in a fetal position..

yeah yeah yeah..good you didn't buy it.

You read what you read, that was the slap in the face you need to reinforce these new b*lls you've grown!

You know who she really is. Once she has moved out you'll have separated yourself from all the crazy and the drama. But be prepared for more emotional blackmail and "vulnerability"

I put vulnerability in parenthesis because presenting vulnerability is almost like stripping naked. It softens your defenses because you think she's opening up and being honest. Also keep away from the sex. Good luck soldier!


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## Kevinb

Did you quiz her about the OM while she was pleading with you? Whatever happened with him?


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## dtc37

Yea she told me pretty much everything but she won't give up his name. Probably thinks I'm going to hurt him or something. I don't really care though.


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## Suspecting2014

dtc37 said:


> Yea she told me pretty much everything but she won't give up his name. Probably thinks I'm going to hurt him or something. I don't really care though.


So, what are you going to do?


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## bfree

dtc37 said:


> Yea she told me pretty much everything but she won't give up his name. Probably thinks I'm going to hurt him or something. I don't really care though.


Or it could be with someone that she knows would be a deal breaker for you.


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## dtc37

Suspecting2014 said:


> So, what are you going to do?



I'm going to do what it been doing. Be a great father and live my life for me. Once she's gone it will be easier but for now it just minimal contact. plus I'm to busy now to pay her any mind.


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## dtc37

bfree said:


> Or it could be with someone that she knows would be a deal breaker for you.



Anyone is a deal breaker. the ilybnily talk was the deal breaker. The only problem now is she is up my a** . Trying to give me affection hugging me every 10 seconds I told her I just want her to leave but she won't and it is legally her house too so even when I throw her stuff out the door she will keep bringing it in. It's kind of pathetic


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## GusPolinski

dtc37 said:


> *Yea she told me pretty much everything but she won't give up his name.* Probably thinks I'm going to hurt him or something. I don't really care though.


This is how you know she isn't being honest w/ respect to her true intentions. If she were truly willing to do whatever it took to win you back, she wouldn't have been able to give you his name fast enough.


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## GusPolinski

dtc37 said:


> I'm going to do what it been doing. Be a great father and live my life for me. Once she's gone it will be easier but for now it just minimal contact. plus I'm to busy now to pay her any mind.





dtc37 said:


> Anyone is a deal breaker. the ilybnily talk was the deal breaker. The only problem now is she is up my a** . Trying to give me affection hugging me every 10 seconds I told her I just want her to leave but she won't and it is legally her house too so even when I throw her stuff out the door she will keep bringing it in. It's kind of pathetic


Normally I wouldn't suggest this, but it seems like the only thing that _might_ get the message across to her is seeing that you have options that don't include her. So, w/ that in mind, have you considered dating at all? Nothing serious obviously... just casual dating.

How do you think she'd react to this? Do you think that would escalate things w/ her?


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## bfree

dtc37 said:


> Anyone is a deal breaker. the ilybnily talk was the deal breaker. The only problem now is she is up my a** . Trying to give me affection hugging me every 10 seconds I told her I just want her to leave but she won't and it is legally her house too so even when I throw her stuff out the door she will keep bringing it in. It's kind of pathetic


Yes. You've already passed your point of no return. I get that. But judging from how she is acting do you think she really believes that? Right now I would bet she thinks she can win you back. But what I'm suggesting is that maybe the OM is someone who would be so totally outrageous that it would effectively kill any chance of her accomplishing that goal. I'm just throwing it out there that may be the reason she won't divulge the OM's identity.


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## GusPolinski

bfree said:


> Yes. You've already passed your point of no return. I get that. But judging from how she is acting do you think she really believes that? Right now I would bet she thinks she can win you back. But what I'm suggesting is that maybe the OM is someone who would be so totally outrageous that it would effectively kill any chance of her accomplishing that goal. I'm just throwing it out there that may be the reason she won't divulge the OM's identity.


Or she's hoping to keep OM on the side.


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## bfree

GusPolinski said:


> Or she's hoping to keep OM on the side.


Good point as well.


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## Suspecting2014

bfree said:


> Good point as well.


Respectfully 

Who gives a ****!!!! 

It is not dtc37 business anymore.


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## Suspecting2014

dtc37,

I believe keep the way you are dealing with her is the wisest thing to do.

IMO you moving on is the best move because she has done it before, and now you know that she wont tell the truth about what happened last time and previous (not telling who is the guy is not telling the truth!)

She made this to you when you had no money, where stock in that apartment, etc. She knew all of this and didnt care, so:

She did it because she is/was a bad person, you dont need to be with someone like this; or

She did it because she was sick, you dont need to be with someone that can not control this things; or

She did it because she didnt care, you dont need to be with someone that randomly wont care about you, The out come is the same: RUN!!!

Anyhow, You should consider that as you and her will be related for a long time, the best you can do is have a civil but not close relation, at least at this moment.

Be sincere, don't let her hold hope to be together again. Coparenting will be much more easier as soon as she realizes you are not going to be together again. Besides you dont want to hurt her as she may use your D to punish you.

Spare your self more information about all her mess, it is point less as you has made your mind and this will hurt you even more.

Be nice to her when contacting her, you dont need her to start rumors, etc. Consider that this is not the woman you used to know anymore, and this person is capable of a lot.


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## dtc37

GusPolinski said:


> Normally I wouldn't suggest this, but it seems like the only thing that _might_ get the message across to her is seeing that you have options that don't include her. So, w/ that in mind, have you considered dating at all? Nothing serious obviously... just casual dating.
> 
> 
> 
> How do you think she'd react to this? Do you think that would escalate things w/ her?



Oh I have been going out and meeting new people. Shes so desperate right now she is saying she will wait and she doesn't care if I see other people. As long as she's with me. I think even if a bring another girl home she wouldn't care.


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## GusPolinski

dtc37 said:


> Oh I have been going out and meeting new people. Shes so desperate right now she is saying she will wait and she doesn't care if I see other people. As long as she's with me. I think even if a bring another girl home she wouldn't care.


When is your lease up?


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## dtc37

bfree said:


> Yes. You've already passed your point of no return. I get that. But judging from how she is acting do you think she really believes that? Right now I would bet she thinks she can win you back. But what I'm suggesting is that maybe the OM is someone who would be so totally outrageous that it would effectively kill any chance of her accomplishing that goal. I'm just throwing it out there that may be the reason she won't divulge the OM's identity.



I'm pretty sure all her stuff outside is a clear indication. Mabey I guess I'll never know but I don't know what would be outrageous unless he was either 17 or 90 or something either way she knows that it doesn't matter who it is. She's gone either way


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## dtc37

GusPolinski said:


> When is your lease up?



October


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## GusPolinski

dtc37 said:


> October


Ugh. Seven months of Hell.

Any chance you could get out of it any sooner? Maybe talk to the landlord/property manager?


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## dtc37

I'm going to try ..but I really don't want to leave it's a nice place. That will be last resort I'm going to do my best to get her TFO


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## GROUNDPOUNDER

dtc37 said:


> I'm going to try ..but I really don't want to leave it's a nice place. That will be last resort I'm going to do my best to get her TFO


Maybe you could tell the landlord/management why you are leaving. Then tell them if the ex bails on the place before the lease is up, you'd be happy to move right back in and finish/possibly re-sign in November...

Just don't ever let her know about it, or she may decide to stay just to wait you out.


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## Dyokemm

dtc,

I think you are doing a perfect job here.

I did the same with my cheating LTgf when she was caught....but I was lucky enough to not have the connection of having a child with her.

I also got the confession and begging for a second chance 8 months later.

And I also just calmly and coldly told her no....was so detached emotionally that her waterworks didn't even faze me.

She was a little late for having buyer's remorse over her fling with her POS co-worker....not that I would have tried to fix the relationship even if she had done this on Dday.

IMO the waterworks are primarily a result of finally being slapped by the realization that sh*tty behavior brings real and lasting consequences....I imagine many criminals react similarly when they are finally caught.

Keep going strong.


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## G.J.

Even with the detachment I would have to ask 'well who is it if you want me to ever consider anything' (though you wont)
I was born curious


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## z_man

dtc37 said:


> I think even if a bring another girl home she wouldn't care.


Oh she will care, you are the provider, the live in babysitter, the comfortable boyfriend who was going to take care of her and her kid with a marriage contract. 

Unfortunately, she found some dopamine outside the relationship and couldn't pass it up. 

She may not show any emotions the first time or two, but once she knows you are consistently getting a$$ and her chances are slim to none, then she will blow herself out or try to blow you up.

Good luck and agree with most here that you are doing and going about this the right way.


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## manfromlamancha

Just to clarify, in an earlier post you said you caught her red handed (sleeping with the OM there who is Albanian) - am I to understand its his name that you do not know. Presumably you could kind of guess his age if you saw him sleeping there.


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