# i am losing my wife of 13years



## i am lost (Mar 8, 2012)

my wife(of 13 years) moved out a month ago..she told me one morning that she needed to get away from me and that it was over..i had cheated on her 2 years ago and it almost ended then but we decided to stay together...we have 4 children,2 girls and 2 boys,(there three of them have ADHD)i am lost..i love her so much it hurts and i want her back,,i have not been a good father or a good husband in the past,,she has a lot on her mind at the minute with losing her mother about 6 mouths ago..she had a gastric bypass about a year ago and now she is thin..she is almost 40...she is studying again(we almost split up the last time she was studying to be a nurse)and she says she can't get over the affair..she says she needs time to see if we can work it out but she told me to get on with my life,,,i have changed over the past 2 years..i have got more involved with the kids and i have not been out of the house so much either...sorry i am crap at this!! i want to be a good father and a good husband..i know now where i have been wrong..i see every thing that we have been doing wrong in the past..we have so much to work on i just hope she could see that aswell..do you think i have a chance of getting her back or have i messed up to much?????????????????????????????


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

you posted in the infidelity section - is that because of your cheating - or do you suspect she is cheating?

Because it's not unheard of for someone in your wife's situation to cheat herself. She was angry at your affair, she's lost a lot of weight, she's now in school with singles and folks hooking up.

So it looks like she has decided to dump you for another guy.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Your wife may be thinking that she gave it two years and it was just too much for her, especially with what you are saying about yourself not being a good father or husband.

I appreciate your self eval about how bad you have been but I want to share with you how a BS feels.

I am only a few months out about finding out about my WS's A. We are working on R but I will tell you if my wife had been a bad wife and mother and then on top of it had an affair there would have been no hope for the marriage. Your wife gave you two years and buddy you should have work on you and your marriage during this time of grace.

Your wife may have reach the point of no return and is taking care of herself in preparation to move on with her life without you.

I hope she is not cheating on you. But honestly, in view of the fact of how you have described yourself she should have moved on years ago.

You better start IC to deal with your issues and maybe her seeing you improve will change her direction.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

Sounds to me like the passing of her mother has made her realise about the time left in her life - it can certainly have that effect. She may have decided that life is to short to be giving people 'chances' and that there is only one throw of the dice so to speak, so she wants to move on and start again with someone she can trust.
You can't understand how infidelity affects someone until you've stood in those cold, wet shoes yourself. It's also sounds like you have only started to appreciate what you had as it walks away from you. Communication is key here, but ultimately it's her choice.


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## i am lost (Mar 8, 2012)

i think maybe there can be another man in her life but she says there just friends(she is looking after he's dog for a few days)and i have to respect that...every thing you guys are saying is probably true...i see it and i get it...i did make big changes in the last 2 years and i was shocked when she told me that she needed to move out..i really didn't see that one coming,,,she seemed happy swell...when i said i have been a bad father and husband i mean that i wasn't involved enough with the children's adhd and all the doctor appointments and school meetings..ididnt think there was anything wrong with them and i think that hurt her to...and as a husband i went hunting and fishing alot and didn't always put the family first...as for the affair when we decided to work things out i think she tried to get over it to fast we never really talked about it again after that....my wife is a person who keeps every thing in and every 2 to 3 years everything comes at once..and i am shocked every time..i am a normal guy and i can't read minds..i hope we can work this out..not just for the kids but for us to...i know this may sound stupid but i am ready to be a good father and a good husband..i am a good guy i just messed up!!!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You did mess up BUT two wrongs don't make a right either.

So there is a guy. "just friends", but close enough she's watching his dog. Close enough that she didn't just leave you, she left the kids too. 

You're not just dealing with a wife who hasn't gotten over your affair, it really looks like she's having one now.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

While it's possible that this is simply about your affair, it sounds like she's having an affair.

Did she move out of the house and leave the kids with you? If so, then she is definitely having an affair. If she took the kids with her, then maybe another man isn't in the picture.

If she left the kids with you, then you need to expose her affair. Get her cell phone records showing a million texts a day between her the the other man. Tell her father, her friends, and your family that she is in an affair and has abandoned the family.

It's possible that she may snap out of it when her family and friends start shaming her. But, she may have just checked out and you can't get her back.

Good luck.


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## i am lost (Mar 8, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> You did mess up BUT two wrongs don't make a right either.
> 
> So there is a guy. "just friends", but close enough she's watching his dog. Close enough that she didn't just leave you, she left the kids too.
> 
> You're not just dealing with a wife who hasn't gotten over your affair, it really looks like she's having one now.


thanks mate your really helping her


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## i am lost (Mar 8, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> While it's possible that this is simply about your affair, it sounds like she's having an affair.
> 
> Did she move out of the house and leave the kids with you? If so, then she is definitely having an affair. If she took the kids with her, then maybe another man isn't in the picture.
> 
> ...


we have the kids 50/50..and if she is having a affair i can't do anything about it...she left me


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

You still need to be sure though. For your own closure if anything


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

OP admits that he was not a good father and husband. He also says his affair *almost *ended soon he was caught.
He did all the things wrong. 
It looks like his wife waited long enough....


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

i am lost said:


> we have the kids 50/50..and if she is having a affair i can't do anything about it...she left me


As a former disloyal spouse yourself, you know that affairs thrive in secrecy. If nobody knows you're messing around, you'll likely continue messing around. If everybody knows, then you'll only continue the affair if you're highly emotionally invested in the other person.

If your wife is having an affair, then she probably became interested in a man, and started sleeping with him, while she was living with you. She would very much like to rewrite that history into becoming disinterested in you, moving out, then becoming interested in a new man after you were separated. It makes her look better.

Your only move may be to expose her and deny her the opportunity to create this fantasy. She may not be invested enough in the other man to be seen as cheating on you with him.

You should also run the 180.
The Healing Heart: The 180
The 180 will emotionally detach you from your wife and make a divorce easier for you to deal with. It will also help you become a more attractive man, both to your wife and other women. Sometimes, wives will respond to husbands running the 180 by recommitting. If that doesn't happen, you'll probably be better prepared to date other women.

Good luck.


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## i am lost (Mar 8, 2012)

Numb-badger said:


> You still need to be sure though. For your own closure if anything


yes but if a affair is what it take for her to come back then i can wait,,,,


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Hi I am lost,

Dont come to any conclusion now. You are not in the right frame of mind now.

Wait and listen to others here.

Your wife may be having an affair, but you are not sure. Wait and observe and validate if she has an affair.

First take care of yourself.

AU


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

i am lost said:


> yes but if a affair is what it take for her to come back then i can wait,,,,


Great! I've seen information attributed to Dr. Harley (not vouching for the authenticity) that 95% of affairs break up. Of the 5% of affairs that turn into marriages, 70% of those end in divorce. So the odds are good that your wife will be available again.


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## i am lost (Mar 8, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> Great! I've seen information attributed to Dr. Harley (not vouching for the authenticity) that 95% of affairs break up. Of the 5% of affairs that turn into marriages, 70% of those end in divorce. So the odds are good that your wife will be available again.


hahaha:smthumbup:


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## i am lost (Mar 8, 2012)

AngryandUsed said:


> Hi I am lost,
> 
> Dont come to any conclusion now. You are not in the right frame of mind now.
> 
> ...


thanks....i don't want to rock the boat anymore so i will wait to se if she is having a A


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

i am lost said:


> thanks mate your really helping her


My posts aren't meant to be nasty, but they are meant for you to see the key issues honestly so you work on them.

If she is in affair, then you fix you won't fix the marriage. You need to also end her affair, and exposure etc is the way to do it.

Her moving out is no doubt a way to get freedom to have the affair, because the red flags are really pointing there.

And no, affairs don't just naturally die in time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Your wife checked out of the marriage. She's gone. She's not coming back. They rarely do. I'm not really clear why it is important ii she met someone else or not. She's single, 40 and looks good. If she hasn't met anyone yet, wait a week or two.

She's young so I'm presuming you're young. You have time. You see where you messed up. You're fixing it. Work on you. Forget her.

You think she hasn't been on a message board for the past couple of years asking for advice on what to do? Imagine what she's been getting for responses: Leave the scum. You deserve better. Don't go back. He'll be great for a few months then the cycle of abuse will start again (yes, abuse. I can GUARANTEE you have been labeled an abuser). 

She's gone. Forget her. Start living for you and your kids.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

"lost, look at the bright side. Since it was you who cheated on her, at least you'll have nothing to ***** about if the divorce cleans you out and leaves you penniless like it did me. The only difference is I wasn't the cheater, she was.
Looks like you're going to have to start working on the rest of your life, without her.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> Great! I've seen information attributed to Dr. Harley (not vouching for the authenticity) that 95% of affairs break up. Of the 5% of affairs that turn into marriages, 70% of those end in divorce. So the odds are good that your wife will be available again.


But why would he want her if she no longer loves him? After all, he had an affair, she tried to R for two years, gave up and found another man, and now she left him and her kids. Sounds like this ship has sailed.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Agreed. He burned his own house down. Time to cut his losses, get the most equitable divorce he can and move on.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

bandit.45 said:


> Agreed. He burned his own house down. Time to cut his losses, get the most equitable divorce he can and move on.



Agreed , your wife was waiting for the opportunity to leave. 

Often after an affair if both spouses do not actively engage in rebuilding the relationship and trust then the marriage is in limbo waiting for an opportunity to break. I suspect yours was is one of those . This does not make your wife's affair right, you should now decide what you want to do with your life . 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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