# Separation before divorce? I have some questions



## Too_Bad (Aug 23, 2014)

I need to prepare my finances before going through with the divorce. She knows it's on the table. I think she doesn't see it as happening or she's hanging on for as long as she can. I don't know.

So, is a separation while living under the same roof normal? We have a spare room that I use for work. I figured I could move some stuff around and live out of that room. While not divorced, it would be a way for us to be separate. No more worrying about the little stuff since we're on our own.

Or is this just not normal? Doing this under the same roof. Is it more a trial divorce where you live separately?


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Too_Bad said:


> I need to prepare my finances before going through with the divorce. She knows it's on the table. I think she doesn't see it as happening or she's hanging on for as long as she can. I don't know.
> 
> So, is a separation while living under the same roof normal? We have a spare room that I use for work. I figured I could move some stuff around and live out of that room. While not divorced, it would be a way for us to be separate. *No more worrying about the little stuff since we're on our own.*
> 
> Or is this just not normal? Doing this under the same roof. Is it more a trial divorce where you live separately?


How do you figure this (what I bolded)?

I've done this more than once, and I'm currently doing it. You're in a fantasy world if you think it's easy or normal. It's VERY hard, emotionally, unless the split is/was 100% mutual and amicable.


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

I don't believe living together after deciding to split is ever a good idea, if it can be avoided in any way. What is the point? You are still together as a couple as far as paying bills, running the household, etc. And what about one person bringing home dates? 

If you can afford to move out, check with your lawyer first and then do it, as long as that does not affect potential home ownership, etc. Still, someone probably needs to stay elsewhere while divorce is being sorted out.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

> So, is a separation while living under the same roof normal? We have a spare room that I use for work. I figured I could move some stuff around and live out of that room. While not divorced, it would be a way for us to be separate. No more worrying about the little stuff since we're on our own.
> 
> Or is this just not normal? Doing this under the same roof. Is it more a trial divorce where you live separately?


I think its abnormal to be sharing a room if you've truly made up your mind to divorce. Once I got legally separated from my ex, we pretty much had our own zones in the house and stayed in them.

That being said, like the above poster said, the whole situation of living together separated is extremely difficult. I did it for a year and a half until I was able to get legal permission to sell our marital home. You'll find that if your STBX doesn't really want a divorce, they can find a lot of ways to drag the process out.

Where I live, it was important to legally separate even while living under the same roof because it set-up the delineation point for when our joint finances ended.

I would recommend you have an initial consultation with an attorney if you haven't done so already.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

sargon said:


> I'd wager to guess that in many if not most divorces, the couple lives separate and apart under one roof before one of them leaves the home, mainly because of logistics and it takes time to get established elsewhere once the decision to divorce has been made.
> 
> But who cares if it's normal or what most people do or don't do?
> 
> You want out of the marriage, and you're waiting only until you get your finances together, so it makes sense to get out of the same bed and start doing your own thing.


I agree with this, but to expect it to act and feel like an actual separation is unrealistic. I think usually one party (the one who wants it more/doesn't care) might find it easy, but the one who is more hurt most certainly will not, and it will lead to fights.


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## Too_Bad (Aug 23, 2014)

I see what everyone is saying.

So what is the best strategy then for my situation. It will take until the end of the summer to get my finances in order for a move. She still doesn't really think D is happening or that it's at least on hold. Should I file and live in the other room with the expectation that all bills are now as though we're roommates and that everyone is out of the apartment by a set date. Also, no bringing home dates or talking about our situation to others until we're both on our own?


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Make a surgical cut when you get things in order. Otherwise, you may get sucked back into the relationship.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

A lot of couples live in the same house through a divorce due to finances mostly.

It's not the best solution but it's better than sharing a bedroom with someone you don't want to be with.

What % of your joint income does your wife earn?


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

Personally, I don't know how anyone can even look at their partner (let alone live with them) after they have cheated or if the couple have decided to split or divorce.

Way too hard.

I had my wife leave the house the same day I found out she cheated. She never returned except to clean the house for sale and move her stuff out.


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## sargon (May 7, 2015)

Keep your interactions to a minimum, all conversations about "business only" no exceptions.

Should you file now? Yes, unless there are things that need to be put in order before you do so. Looking back at my divorce, if I was better prepared I would have made out much better. It's time to consult with an attorney to determine your next move.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You need to get away from her asap. She keeps you around like security blanket but you don't count for anything in her eyes.

She never initiates sex. There is no desire on her part to be with you.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

any chance you can put the house on the market now so it gives you time to work the finance ?


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

I think he said that they rent and she cannot afford the apartment on her own. He makes significantly more money than her.

I think it is best you show her the reality of what it will be like to live without you. A real separation means apart. You have been far apart in the bedroom for a long time, time to make the rest of it real. No more meal ticket, no more you.

Tell her to leave and find a new place to live cause you aren't interested in renewing the lease when it expires.


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## Too_Bad (Aug 23, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> A lot of couples live in the same house through a divorce due to finances mostly.
> 
> It's not the best solution but it's better than sharing a bedroom with someone you don't want to be with.
> 
> What % of your joint income does your wife earn?


I make about 75 percent.

I live in a country where, if uncontested, divorce is simply 2 signatures on a piece of paper. It's actually quite easy. It becomes complicated when the partner doesn't sign however going to court would cost more than she could afford.

I did consult a legal adviser for finances. I can make it on my own. She can't without going into further debt. She needs to file for bankruptcy and clear the debt that is in her name. I've gone ahead and collected the paper work for her when I bring the divorce papers to her.

I have some other questions unrelated to separation and I'll start a new thread for that.


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## delupt (Dec 1, 2014)

It must depend on how you feel about the partner, and if they cheated or betrayed you. But many of those divorcing a 'staying for the kids' marriage that is long dead and refuses to be resurrected may not feel the emotional pain of normal marriage break-ups.

I'm mid-divorce and have no intention of moving out of the house until it is sold, nor the bedroom. I have no spare 1k/month for another house/appt so no other option. I have 2 teenage boys in the house and they are never going to see me 'banished to the sofa', or 'sleeping in the spare room'. I've suggested she is free to move out if she wants, but she wont.

We may be done by September if she plays nice, otherwise (more likely) another year of it. But after 18 dry and uncomfortable years (for-the-kids™), another 3 to 12 months wont matter. The fact that I still find her very physically attractive can be occasionally 'problematic', but she honestly just can't help her unpleasant behaviour to me and our boys so no emotional bond for a long time. I mourned the dead relationship years ago so I don't feel anything is lost. I just wish she'd contribute some, a 'lodger' relationship would be step in the right direction!


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