# daughter Alienated me during divorce



## rep (Jun 11, 2012)

My wife left a little more than 3 years ago. My daughter turns 18 this summer. When mt wife of 17 years left, my daughter stopped talking to me. Irony is that we were the best of freinds, we had the best relationship our whole lives. My wife and her never clicked. Its been 3 years and I have tried a couple times but to no help. I feel that when she turns 18, I want to let her know that Im done with her for life. Im conflicted bc I cry weekly about her during movies or hear a song or anything that remindfs me of her but my anger grows also. I never deserved this. I dont feel like I can ever forgive or forget. Everyone in my life says that I need to cut her a break bc she is a teenager. I think that excuse can be used for so long. Im very confused, hurt, angry and more. 
Even if we did have a relationship, I think I would resent her soo much.


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## Morgiana (Oct 18, 2011)

So in your previous threads, you stated that your ex wife engaged in parental alienation. Why would you put the blame on a new adult for behaviour you attributed to your ex? It seems to me it may be better to instead reach out to your daughter acknowledging she is now an adult and you would like to get to know her again. Do it with firmness, don't beg, but you definately need to put all thoughts out of your head of resentment towards her for _your ex's actions_. If you cant let go of the resentment, then I think you just need to keep your mouth shut and let bygones be bygones; there is no reason for you to lash out at your daughter or screw with her head if you cant be trusted to protect her and act like her father.

-M


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## rep (Jun 11, 2012)

This is the advice most give. Almost every morning I sit with my coffee and write her a letter in my head. I know she is young but she must bear some responsibility. The pain I've gone through is un-discripable. I've cried enough years for 10 lives!!
For me to ignore what she has done doesn't seem normal or natural. I feel like I deserve to be heard for all the pain that her and her mother has caused me. I made her the highest priority in my life,, so much so,, that it is the main reason the marriage failed. My daughter and I spent so much time together that my ex couldn't stand it anymore,,, so I'm re-paid this wzy
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

I had something similar with my oldest daughter. About ten years ago she got pissed of at me because I didn't answer a email fast enough.

Now she and I had our problems. One month she's fine and then she's pissed. I let it go and when she felt like calling we talked. She lived out of state with her mother.

The day of the email, she emailed me and said, "Call me. We have issues". Well I knew that once again I was going to somehow be the rat in the wood pile again so I waited a day just stay calm because the storm was going to come as soon as I called.

Then I got a email from her and she said some of the most despicable things I ever heard coming from a daughter to her father and that's when I said enough is enough.

I emailed her back. Told her that everyone has the right to get angry, her included as well as me but what she didn't have the right to was being ugly. I then told her that when she's ready to talk, I'll listen and if she chooses not to, then have a very good life and if she still hates me, then make it a long and healthy hate. I wish her no harm and all the best but IMO, I'm the parent and I refuse to accept any of my kids talking to me like that. Especially when I didn't deserve it.

I'm still waiting and it's been 10 years. If she wants to talk, we'll talk, she wants to get ugly, then stay don't bother. It sounds hard and nasty but I can't and will not put up with her or anyone else speaking to me like that.

When your daughter finally decides to talk to her, then listen and if it starts to get out of hand, let her know that you agreed to talk but no to get ugly.


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## ffghtr67 (Jul 23, 2012)

I am struggling with this same problem. My daughter and ex-wife became toxic friends during my wife's affair and after. I am sure that my daughter knows intimate details regarding her mother and my sexual relationship and marriage. They both, my daughter and her mother, did a lot of evil things...but at the end of the day it wasn't my daughter's fault. I may resent my daughter but am able and willing to forgive.

I hope for a day with a better relationship with my daughter, as for now, I haven't even spoke to her since August. I don't even know her phone number.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

> I know she is young but she must bear some responsibility.


No, she absolutely MUST NOT!

Children do not owe their parents a single thing. They are not responsible for how their parents make them feel. They're truly helpless in that department. All the responsibility is on your ex-wife and you. Your daughter is completely innocent in the dynamic created around her by her parents. 

Having said that, be patient. She will come around, but the scars of her parents' failed marriage will never go away. She will resent both of you to a degree for the rest of her life. That's only normal. You and your ex-wife were her idea of a perfect life since she was born. That idea got shattered into pieces. Now she has to find other ideals for her future. Never forget that.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

You absolutely must not blame her for the state of your relationship!
She was a child when your marriage ended. She didn't ask nor cause the divorce, she didn't deserve her parents splitting up. You are the parent, and the adult throughout all of this. Your job is to be her parent for the rest of her life. Guess what, sometimes kids will treat their parents like crap, especially when parents don't behave life adults. You resent that D17 and exw are close! Shame on you for being envious.
My exH has nothing to do with my D16, and he blames her for the state of their relationship. The thing is, he also blames her for outing his affairs and blames her for being smarter than he is. He is a jerk who screamed at her that she was no daughter of his and that the only way she would ever be happy was when he killed himself. So now, she wants nothing to do with him. 
I'm not saying OP you behaved that way. I'm saying that you cannot blame a child for the disruption in the family unit. Feeling are hurt all the way around and you have to reach out to her, never ever stop trying. Sometimes it will hurt and you might be shot down, but please don't ever stop trying to rebuild that relationship.


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## Morgiana (Oct 18, 2011)

rep said:


> This is the advice most give. Almost every morning I sit with my coffee and write her a letter in my head. I know she is young but she must bear some responsibility. The pain I've gone through is un-discripable. I've cried enough years for 10 lives!!
> For me to ignore what she has done doesn't seem normal or natural. I feel like I deserve to be heard for all the pain that her and her mother has caused me. I made her the highest priority in my life,, so much so,, that it is the main reason the marriage failed. My daughter and I spent so much time together that my ex couldn't stand it anymore,,, so I'm re-paid this wzy
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is on you to fix in yourself. Your daughter is not to blame for your tears. You need to be strong for your daughter, not lay your issues on her. It is hard, it is emotional, and loss can suck donkey balls. Get a therapist or do what you need to do to work through it, but it is _your_ monkey to carry, not one to foster off on your daughter.


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## rumple9 (Jan 13, 2012)

ffghtr67 said:


> I am struggling with this same problem. My daughter and ex-wife became toxic friends during my wife's affair and after. I am sure that my daughter knows intimate details regarding her mother and my sexual relationship and marriage. They both, my daughter and her mother, did a lot of evil things...but at the end of the day it wasn't my daughter's fault. I may resent my daughter but am able and willing to forgive.
> 
> I hope for a day with a better relationship with my daughter, as for now, I haven't even spoke to her since August. I don't even know her phone number.


Same here - mother and daughter became toxic friends even though mother cheated and I was the innocent party. I guess daughters just want to be with their mums when a relationship breaks up. Women like this who turn their daughters against dads are evil. 

My daughter who is now 14 is starting to come around a little but it's a slow, long and painful process.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

You need to grow up and like a adult not a boyfriend dumped before the prom.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

rep said:


> This is the advice most give. Almost every morning I sit with my coffee and write her a letter in my head.


Get the letter out of your head and into an envelope or an email.

Send those letters out regularly.

She'll come around. My 2 daughters did, after several years of no contact.

I get that it's less painful to reach a point where you just throw your hands in the air and walk away, but if you do that, you've abandoned your child along with all hopes of ever having a relationship, and yes, at 18, she's still a child. It's not her fault her parents divorced and caused her major trauma in her life.


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