# Are most men like this??



## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

My husband says they really do not like to talk about "feelings and stuff." They are not built that way. I do sometimes find myself talking to him about the posts I come across on here wishing he would give me his opinion.. then I realized that he is not very interested... but he tries.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Most men are not built this way.....or raised this way.

Newer generations of "suburban" males are raised to be afraid/ashamed of their masculinity. Inner city boys? Farm boys... No!

Soccer boys? More like girls....

End result.....whiny men...indecisive men.


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> Most men are not built this way.....or raised this way.
> 
> Newer generations of "suburban" males are raised to be afraid/ashamed of their masculinity. Inner city boys? Farm boys... No!
> 
> ...


Ha! Thank you! This made me laugh a little. I am going to share it with him.


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

Works said:


> My husband says they really do not like to talk about "feelings and stuff." They are not built that way. I do sometimes find myself talking to him about the posts I come across on here wishing he would give me his opinion.. then I realized that he is not very interested... but he tries.


Nope, he's wrong.

Society trains men to not talk about it. 

Here's one that blew my mind a few weeks ago - I'm dating a woman who is very much into 'being present' and self-awareness. (while processing my own divorce, btw) She's a modern women's libber - which means she expects more out of men, particularly in their willingness to express vulnerability. yet even with this up-to-date "with it" woman, a few weeks ago I expressed some doubt about my abilities to create a good social life post-divorce. She said a few of "the right things" to support me emotionally, but then started trying to prove my self-doubts wrong. The next morning she expressed doubts that we should be together, since I seemed so vulnerable.

And there you have it - when men DO express feelings that aren't positive, women pull away. Even women who claim to know better.

That's why the tendency exists.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Works said:


> My husband says they really do not like to talk about "feelings and stuff." They are not built that way. I do sometimes find myself talking to him about the posts I come across on here wishing he would give me his opinion.. then I realized that he is not very interested... but he tries.


in my experience yes most men are like your husband.

how does he try?

if his opinion differs from yours do you show disappointment? roll your eyes or sigh?

or do you try to convince him your opinion is right.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

We live within our comfort zones... I have seen the toughest men share when it aligns with the right needs, and the right trust.

Men won't share without trust... nor without confidence in their own strengths.

We spend way too much time comparing ourselves...


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

DustyDog said:


> Works said:
> 
> 
> > My husband says they really do not like to talk about "feelings and stuff." They are not built that way. I do sometimes find myself talking to him about the posts I come across on here wishing he would give me his opinion.. then I realized that he is not very interested... but he tries.
> ...


That is so true... I have been guilty of doing that to my husband. I am glad I posted this because I am getting a new perspective. We want you to open up, but if it's not what we "want to hear" then we basically tell you it's wrong. 

How can we expect you to be confident, when the one closest to you does that? I am starting to get it, and will DEFINITELY be applying it to my own situation. 

Thank you SO much for your input. I hope everything works out for you.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Works said:


> That is so true... I have been guilty of doing that to my husband. I am glad I posted this because I am getting a new perspective. We want you to open up, but if it's not what we "want to hear" then we basically tell you it's wrong.
> 
> How can we expect you to be confident, when the one closest to you does that? I am starting to get it, and will DEFINITELY be applying it to my own situation.


Acceptance is something ideals and actualities could grow in if allowed... when we expect behaviors to fit models why are we surprised by disappointments?


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> Works said:
> 
> 
> > That is so true... I have been guilty of doing that to my husband. I am glad I posted this because I am getting a new perspective. We want you to open up, but if it's not what we "want to hear" then we basically tell you it's wrong.
> ...


Very well said...


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

There is a huge range in men (and women). I think its less common for men to want to talk about relationships, but some do.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Works said:


> My husband says they really do not like to talk about "feelings and stuff." They are not built that way. I do sometimes find myself talking to him about the posts I come across on here wishing he would give me his opinion.. then I realized that he is not very interested... but he tries.


I agree with this, most men are not and that is why sometimes 'never the twain shall meet' because women love to talk and need emotional intimacy, whereas men do not love to talk, they love to have action, in all its forms! :smile2:


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

DustyDog said:


> Nope, he's wrong.
> 
> Society trains men to not talk about it.
> 
> ...


My H just threw that at me recently, he said when we were young he was emotional and vulnerable but I didn't like it, I wanted him to be a man and to grow up. Now I want the opposite when he became a B*


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

aine said:


> My H just threw that at me recently, he said when we were young he was emotional and vulnerable but I didn't like it, I wanted him to be a man and to grow up. Now I want the opposite when he became a B*


A *B?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

DustyDog said:


> A *B?


Beta.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

uhtred said:


> There is a huge range in men (and women). I think its less common for men to want to talk about relationships, but some do.


As is always the case with generalizations (accurate ones). 

Men are generally taller than women .

But this does not mean that ALL men are taller than ALL women.

Nor does it say that an individual woman can't be taller than most men (or an individual man can't be shorter than most women).

I can't figure out why this needs to be repeated constantly.

Surely this is basic for anyone with an IQ over 90.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

I don't like to talk about feelings. I don't like to complain. Most of all, I don't like to expose anything that could be interpreted as weakness. 

This is not societal training one bit. It is coded deep in my X chromosome. 

Yes, this is fairly standard male behavior. Evolutionarily, we are developed to have, or at least present to potential threats, a complete air of confidence.

Yes, this can be problematic as we bury things and are sometimes so self aware that the stresses can have harmful effects when we don't acknowledge and deal with them.

That said, I will echo what some have already said as it fits my situation to a tee. My wife finds my confidence and outward strength very attractive. This is also evolutionary in origin--cave woman didn't want to be hitched to some indecisive, sensitive dweeb when saber toothed tiger or a rival tribe showed up. She wants me to be open with her, but if I show too much vulnerability, attraction seems to dissipate. 

We're both cool with this. It works for us. I wouldn't be a good mate for someone who truly wants vulnerability and she wouldn't be a good mate for a man willing to be more sharing of his weaknesses.


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> I don't like to talk about feelings. I don't like to complain. Most of all, I don't like to expose anything that could be interpreted as weakness.
> 
> This is not societal training one bit. It is coded deep in my X chromosome.
> 
> ...


Thank you! I understand completely where you are coming from. I think this hits the nail on the head!! I, sometimes, have found myself rolling my eyes when he comes home and complains about work for example. Not that I don't want to listen to him vent, but for years it has been about the same stuff. I have told him to either do something about it, or quit sounding like a girl (I know.... sorry... that wasn't very nice.) But, I have since stopped responding/reacting that way. I realized that if I dont allow him to vent the frustrations he will just shutdown on me completely and not want to talk about anything. Slowly, but surely, dialogue between us has been improving tremendously. 

This site has really helped me to see things with new eyes, and be more mindful.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

I have very little interest in talking about feelings or emotions. I have no issues dealing with those on my own, so I see no need to share/burden someone else with. I don't need to vent, complain, etc... On the other hand, I do understand my W is the opposite. Although it can be exhausting for me at times, I let her vent all she wants (within reason) and try to be supportive as much as possible.

It took a while for my W to just understand this is the way I am. If I am quiet or not sharing my feelings, it usually isn't because I am mad/upset. Lot of times, I am just thinking about other things (midget wrestling, etc...). It does bug her that I don't even tell her when I am sick (usually she only finds out once I cave in and crash in the bed lol)


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

EllisRedding said:


> I have very little interest in talking about feelings or emotions. I have no issues dealing with those on my own, so I see no need to share/burden someone else with. I don't need to vent, complain, etc... On the other hand, I do understand my W is the opposite. Although it can be exhausting for me at times, I let her vent all she wants (within reason) and try to be supportive as much as possible.
> 
> It took a while for my W to just understand this is the way I am. If I am quiet or not sharing my feelings, it usually isn't because I am mad/upset. Lot of times, I am just thinking about other things (midget wrestling, etc...). It does bug her that I don't even tell her when I am sick (usually she only finds out once I cave in and crash in the bed lol)


Hahaha! My husband is the same when he is sick. I offer to get him medicine while he is coughing up a lung, he still says no, he is ok. I stopped asking and just tell him to take what I give him. Once he is feeling better he thanks me for "not letting him die."


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## Handy (Jul 23, 2017)

* Dusty Dog
....when men DO express feelings that aren't positive, women pull away. Even women who claim to know better..*

That is true for me. I got trained to be level headed even if an emotional situation came about. The fewer opinions about trivial stuff, the less I can be wrong. Some how a good portion of society seems to expect men to know what to do or how to act based on fairness and logic. I research the roads on maps or Google Street view before I go to new places. I do lots of research before I buy big ticket items. I feel it is more of a problem for a man to fail or not succeed than a woman. I do ask for help finding things in big box stores but with some stores that list isle and bin location, I have that information before I leave the house.

It is all part of "men are supposed to know."

I also now when my W goes on and on (a long term situation) about something that I have no interest in, I rarely have an opinion because I know my opinion will not count. I might even be criticized when she doesn't agree with my opinion, so I think, why have n opinion? I do site facts I have heard about to support or counter some situations. Also some so called facts are very biased so that too can be a "sticky wicked."

Things like which dress looks nicer, I have an opinion but often it doesn't match hers. Other things I think I know, I don't have enough information to honestly form an opinion without injecting my own bias.


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## Dannip (Jun 13, 2017)

Telling a female how you feeel is just looking for trouble. 

Women have no clue how men think. 

The guy will just get labeled as something or other.

Women aren't enlightened creatures. They're just women.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Something like 25% of people have IQs under 90.



Buddy400 said:


> As is always the case with generalizations (accurate ones).
> 
> Men are generally taller than women .
> 
> ...


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## Dannip (Jun 13, 2017)

uhtred said:


> Something like 25% of people have IQs under 90.


50% of all politicians are below average in every measure.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

EllisRedding said:


> I have very little interest in talking about feelings or emotions. I have no issues dealing with those on my own, so I see no need to share/burden someone else with. I don't need to vent, complain, etc... On the other hand, I do understand my W is the opposite. Although it can be exhausting for me at times, I let her vent all she wants (within reason) and try to be supportive as much as possible.
> 
> It took a while for my W to just understand this is the way I am. If I am quiet or not sharing my feelings, it usually isn't because I am mad/upset. Lot of times, I am just thinking about other things (midget wrestling, etc...). It does bug her that I don't even tell her when I am sick (usually she only finds out once I cave in and crash in the bed lol)


I don't *need* to talk about *my* feelings and emotions, but I'm happy to listen to my wife tell me about hers (as long as she doesn't get too carried away).

When faced with a choice, I'll consider how I feel about it along with everything else. If I decided to set aside my feelings when making the decision, what good does it do to pay attention to them after the fact?

Many women talk about needing their man to be their emotional rock.

Then, many of the same women complain that men don't talk about their feelings and emotions.

I think that, to some degree, this is an issue of women being attracted to something when they rationally think they should be attracted to something else.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I do think most men don't want to talk about their feelings as much or for as long as women are willing to. However we are more then capable of talking about them and being emotionally intelligent. I do think there is a level that women can go to that only the very rarest of men can. However there is enough middle ground though that I think it would be enough for most women. 

I agree that Men are taught not to, or more so they are never taught how to. This is a skill that is never passed on to most men, like throwing a football is not a skill taught to most women. And that is a terrible mistake that has wrecked havoc on our society especially when we live in the communication age. A whole generation of men never given the primary tools for what the age is about.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

MrH is fantastic at talking about life, our relationship and all sorts of issues. I think this is part of the reason our marriage is so good, I know we can sort pretty much anything out. If we have a challenging issue we talk it out, it is amazing how often it was a fairly simple issue but we did not understand each others perspective. How can you work things out if you can't communicate effectively?

He is super tall and shoulders of a God, he is very much the alpha man in his career, he has a very high IQ and EQ. Perfect.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Can't or won't communicate?


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## Haiku (Apr 9, 2014)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> *I don't like to talk about feelings.* I don't like to complain. Most of all, I don't like to expose anything that could be interpreted as weakness.
> 
> This is not societal training one bit. It is coded deep in my X chromosome.
> 
> ...


...but 200 words later...😂🤣


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## Haiku (Apr 9, 2014)

Works said:


> My husband says they really do not like to talk about "feelings and stuff." They are not built that way. I do sometimes find myself talking to him about the posts I come across on here wishing he would give me his opinion.. then I realized that he is not very interested... but he tries.


I talk freely. Enough said.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Haiku said:


> ...but 200 words later...😂🤣


But only a precious few of those 200 words were about "feelings." The rest was cold, rational scientific analysis.:nerd:


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> But only a precious few of those 200 words were about "feelings." The rest was cold, rational scientific analysis.:nerd:


Simmer down, boys... No fighting. :grin2:


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## Haiku (Apr 9, 2014)

😬🤕🤐


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

I share things with my wife when I think she can offer good advice, or otherwise help with something. I'm not a whiner or complainer by nature - I much prefer to find a solution, and I often do so on my own (or try to). She does the same with me. We treat each other as equals in this regard.

Men and women are the same - neither likes a whiner or a complainer. People have it in their power to do something about whatever they're complaining about, so it's often inaction that's unattractive.

Most women I know find communication sexy, however. Just depends on the delivery and the subject.


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## Good Guy (Apr 26, 2016)

I don't get worked up about things generally, and funnily enough, other people being upset about things happening to them affects me far worse than if the same thing happened to me.

My wife always has something to complain about and if on the rare occasion (maybe 4/5 times in 20 years) do voice problems or concerns of my own she doesn't take them seriously or completely misinterprets it and sees it as some kind of attack on her. So I don't bother. The worst example of this was when I got stabbing chest pains. Turned out to be a panic attack. She was complaining about some inconsequential thing as usual. She didn't even react and I had to spell it out to her that I thought something was wrong with my heart. Had to go to the hospital on my own to get it checked out.

On the other hand, I don't listen to her complaints for years now, it used to stress me out no end, but when I realised 95% of her complaints were either made up or way more insignificant than she made them out to be. So if she does come with a 5% complaint that is actually serious then I'm not going to know.

I can see how I make her sound horrible, but she actually isn't that bad. She likes to complain and seems only able to see things from her own perspective.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Buddy400 said:


> I don't need to talk about my feelings and emotions, but I'm happy to listen to my wife tell me about hers *(as long as she doesn't get too carried away).*
> 
> When faced with a choice, I'll consider how I feel about it along with everything else. If I decided to set aside my feelings when making the decision, what good does it do to pay attention to them after the fact?
> 
> ...


With the bolded, that was actually something I had to talk to my W about. I would be gone all day working, and the moment I walked in the door she would just unload on me (nothing at me personally, more venting about the kids, the house, etc...). It just became sensory overload, so she understands now that she needs to at least give me 10-15 minutes to regroup when I get home. 

I have never had issues listening (maybe a little too good as for whatever reason a lot of people like to open up about everything with me, which is funny since in many cases I really don't care lol). It is frustrating when someone nonstop vents but never appears to make any effort towards coming up with a solution over what they are venting about.


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

EllisRedding said:


> Buddy400 said:
> 
> 
> > I don't need to talk about my feelings and emotions, but I'm happy to listen to my wife tell me about hers *(as long as she doesn't get too carried away).*
> ...


Guilty as charged! I can go on for hours... Nothing in particular, then I pat him on the back and say...... Thanks for listening, babe! Want a beer?! Ha!!


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I am a mix of emotional and logical, the logical part only entered my life after my late 20s. Before that, most decisions I would make were emotion-based.

Odo is a very logical, manly man. Rarely shows his cards (feelings), has an amazing poker face, and is constantly berated by the female employees he works with that he never smiles enough. He is one person in public and another person entirely with me. He is very open and comfortable with me and shares more things that he would with others, even people he's worked with for years.

I have seen him cry, and it's rare. Otherwise, I do wonder if perhaps he processes some emotions when I'm not around, so that he can do this on his own in order to be a stronger rock when he is with me.

There are times I try to translate my feelings to him, and I can tell that his logical mind is having a hard time wrapping around concepts that are someone illogical or intangible. I don't get frustrated by this and neither does he. I think in my younger days I would have thought he was a cold person, but with age and experience I know that he is very far from that. He simply sees things with a different lens than I do. He sees many things in life as one giant process flowchart (if yes, go here; if no, go there. Mostly one main thing at a time) whereas my mind is more chaotic on paper. Multitransactional.... or at least, having many concurrent transactions.

His mind is frankly blown when I tell him that I am constantly thinking in terms of all possible outcomes for any situation and for each of those potential outcomes, I've already processed the possible negative and/or positive things that may occur. This process can happen in a matter of seconds and it's one that I simply overlook because it's so ingrained.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

alexm said:


> Just depends on the delivery and the subject.


In my marriage, if this is paid attention to 90% of all miscommunication falls to the side...


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> I don't like to talk about feelings. I don't like to complain. Most of all, I don't like to expose anything that could be interpreted as weakness.
> 
> This is not societal training one bit. It is coded deep in my X chromosome.
> 
> ...


Do you mean 'Y' chromosome?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

DustyDog said:


> Nope, he's wrong.
> 
> Society trains men to not talk about it.
> 
> ...


In this instance, she may have feared that you weren't as emotionally divested of your wife as she would have liked. She may have feared that you would have returned to your wife out of fear of not being able to create a new life for yourself. Not an unfounded fear which is why many people advise to not date a person who is not at least a year out of divorce. She is protecting herself.


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## Stillasamountain (Jan 13, 2014)

DustyDog said:


> And there you have it - when men DO express feelings that aren't positive, women pull away. Even women who claim to know better.
> 
> That's why the tendency exists.


Very true. And your story reminds me of a Dennis Miller quote: "Don't ask us to cry. As much as you say you want us to cry, you don't really want us to cry. You hate it when we cry. I've tried crying in front of my wife. She enjoyed it for about thirty seconds and then started thinking, "Why in the f%$# did I marry this hamster?"


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Works said:


> My husband says they really do not like to talk about "feelings and stuff." They are not built that way. I do sometimes find myself talking to him about the posts I come across on here wishing he would give me his opinion.. then I realized that he is not very interested... but he tries.


In my relationships, I enjoyed sharing this with two past girlfriends because they also were expressive. In hindsight, those were the two women who probably loved me the most. Therefore, in my experience, it seems that people who want to express these feelings to their SO's, whether men or women, have more strong or passionate feelings for their SO's. 

The difference between men and women that I have seen are that almost no men would like to discuss "feelings and stuff" with other men. Women, however, are more likely to do this with each other.


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

Steve1000 said:


> Works said:
> 
> 
> > My husband says they really do not like to talk about "feelings and stuff." They are not built that way. I do sometimes find myself talking to him about the posts I come across on here wishing he would give me his opinion.. then I realized that he is not very interested... but he tries.
> ...


This is so true.. I do care about him a lot. I care to hear him talk about "feelings and stuff." Heck, I thought I talked a lot, one night we were on our patio and he talked to me for THREE hours straight about so much. I gained new perspectives, learned so much, and he felt good about letting out a lot of what he kept inside. He said he never had anyone who he could talk to about anything without judgement.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Blondilocks said:


> Do you mean 'Y' chromosome?


Good catch.

Growing up, I only failed to get an 'A' in one class--Biology!


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

His mind is frankly blown when I tell him that I am constantly thinking in terms of all possible outcomes for any situation and for each of those potential outcomes, I've already processed the possible negative and/or positive things that may occur. This process can happen in a matter of seconds and it's one that I simply overlook because it's so ingrained.[/QUOTE]

Mine seems to react the same way. I tell him that while he is thinking about this one thing, one scenario/solution, my head is already thinking of 20 other ways on how to make x, y, or z work.


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> In this instance, she may have feared that you weren't as emotionally divested of your wife as she would have liked. She may have feared that you would have returned to your wife out of fear of not being able to create a new life for yourself. Not an unfounded fear which is why many people advise to not date a person who is not at least a year out of divorce. She is protecting herself.


None of the above. We've known each other long enough that she knows the wife and I have been apart for ten years anyway. She's actually very intuitive, which is one of the things that draws me to her. The big issue with my wife is that there is NO life with her...my decision to not divorce until now is why I ended up a hermit, because that's all she was comfortable with...as soon as I got out there playing music with others, she got more and more angry and I decided her anger is her business.

This concept of self-protection is, itself, a manifestation of overblown fears - and that is something the new girlfriend has, and for good reason - her last two LTRs ended up being physical abusers. So, since she has this past, I'm going to be patient as she heals.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

I feel that sometimes all the talking are more like complaints.

we drive older vehicles and I have to hear how she hates this car or its old or the house needs new carpet or what can she make for dinner or or or or or 

now I realize that shes just talking out loud and does not intend to sound like she displease or unhappy but I can't help but take it as a insult.

I know the car is old,and the carpet needs replaced bla bla bla.

but if its not in the budget then we have to make do with what we have until we can afford it.


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

chillymorn69 said:


> I feel that sometimes all the talking are more like complaints.
> 
> we drive older vehicles and I have to hear how she hates this car or its old or the house needs new carpet or what can she make for dinner or or or or or
> 
> ...


I'm sorry for what you are going through. I could only imagine it feels like a blow to the ego for you. It sounds like she isn't very grateful.  I wish I had a newer vehicle, mine is almost 12 years old, accidents on the front/back, now paint on the hood is chipping... But I know that in due time, I will get one.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

DustyDog said:


> A *B?


a bad word


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Chillymorn, you should tell her how you feel, is she working, if not tell her to get her finger out and contribute something instead of complaining


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

chillymorn69 said:


> I feel that sometimes all the talking are more like complaints.
> 
> we drive older vehicles and I have to hear how she hates this car or its old or the house needs new carpet or what can she make for dinner or or or or or
> 
> ...


My wife tends to be stream of consciousness, no filter as well. I mostly manage to not take it personally, but do pay attention. The drawback is that the things that don't just flow are glaring and painfully obviously missing.


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## knobcreek (Nov 18, 2015)

Fair or not society and mostly women do not want men to share feelings or emotions. When men show signs of mental weakness or emotional distress women run for the hills. How many topics do we read here of "husbands depressed and I can't take it, looking to leave", or "I started cheating on my husband I know it's wrong but he's been dealing with depression since a job loss"? Honestly, it's like every other topic here.

Never, ever show the women in your life, your boss, or anyone else aside from maybe one or two really good friends any signs of weakness or share your feelings in my opinion. It will just be used against you. Men show strength or they're done.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Both my exH and my husband now don't like talking about feelings and stuff. So they do the "know nothing" routine which drives me crazy.

We all know that risk managers (a very masculine job) spend all day creating possible scenarios for the future whether in finance, crime, national security and so on regarding the next moves that their subject of analysis (Putin, maybe?) may do next. 

I think both men (H and exH) are rather savvy at reading people as evidenced by that rare brief remark that turns out to be true. 

When my husband and I watch dramas together, he is usually right guessing what happens next by dialogue, facial expressions and so on.

So I make every effort to put a lid on it whenever my husband doesn't want to play ball and look elsewhere for discussion ...... Like Here!

One thing is certain, if I were aware that he was having these types of conversations with another woman, then I know that he is having an EA.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

There are a lot of "feelings and stuff" that aren't negative. Like happy, in love, passion. I've known men with very little emotion either way and it's annoying. 

I could say "I'm so happy, thank you for making me feel so good. I just love you so much" 
And get back a 
"Thanks. I love you too" 

Show a little emotion. 

I've just kind of admitted defeat when it comes to finding someone who is very emotional or good with feelings and changed how I express emotions. 

My bf is just very steady. No strong feelings or emotions in either direction but he will listen to and care for mine even though I'm pretty sure he thinks it's just a "girl thing"


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I always let people know how I am feeling. I am very self confident so I do not care what they think of me for revealing my feelings. Maybe that is why I am married for 45 years. Nothing gets bottled up and my wife knows what is bothering me. I do not do as many men do and find another women to emotionally fulfill them. I just tell my wife what I feel or need and she takes care of it as I do for her. Even if it takes another person to do so.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Like many women, I have an emotional need for intimate conversation. Interestingly when people list their emotional needs they tend to list the one they aren't getting enough of as more important than the ones that they are getting enough of and in fact were the reason behind founding the relationship that is deficient in the other need.

Let me paint a scenario. A woman finds a man who fills all of her top emotional needs. Strength, security, humor, but isn't big on intimate conversation, or doesn't like to talk about his feelings. After a few years she will start to take for granted that he will always be Strong , Stable , and humorous, but the fact that he NEVER talks about his feelings will Grow into some Giant roadblock that is keeping her from happiness. In fact she would not give up Security to get more conversation (the Dusty Dog Scenario), because Security is really her more important emotional need, and if she was getting enough conversation somewhere she wouldn't be all up tight over it. (which is kind of why I am here talking about feelings and emotional needs.)

Rather than answering your question about "most men" I'm advising you to think more about what your really most important emotional needs are. Why would you want to change the man that was so perfect that you chose him as a life partner?


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

Mr. Nail said:


> Like many women, I have an emotional need for intimate conversation. Interestingly when people list their emotional needs they tend to list the one they aren't getting enough of as more important than the ones that they are getting enough of and in fact were the reason behind founding the relationship that is deficient in the other need.
> 
> Let me paint a scenario. A woman finds a man who fills all of her top emotional needs. Strength, security, humor, but isn't big on intimate conversation, or doesn't like to talk about his feelings. After a few years she will start to take for granted that he will always be Strong , Stable , and humorous, but the fact that he NEVER talks about his feelings will Grow into some Giant roadblock that is keeping her from happiness. In fact she would not give up Security to get more conversation (the Dusty Dog Scenario), because Security is really her more important emotional need, and if she was getting enough conversation somewhere she wouldn't be all up tight over it. (which is kind of why I am here talking about feelings and emotional needs.)
> 
> Rather than answering your question about "most men" I'm advising you to think more about what your really most important emotional needs are. Why would you want to change the man that was so perfect that you chose him as a life partner?


I am not trying to change him, I was just curious is all. Little by little he is opening up more to me, which I absolutely love. He knows I am here if he wants to talk about anything with me. :nerd:


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## kmetoyer (Aug 23, 2017)

I have this same issue with my husband. I cant get him to talk about anything even remotely associated with feelings or emotions.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Some of us are way too rational to worry about feelings.

Thing is, fix the tangible stuff first then worry about the intangibles and feelings.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

:scratchhead:

What kind of feelings does he not want to talk about?

If it's like "how do you feel about this?" doesn't seem like an intrusive question. But straight up "tell me your feelings?" I'm like... errrr... what? And I end up making some sh-t up to pass the conversation.

I don't really get the latter, if I don't bring it up, why bring it up? It's as unimportant as saying "Hey guess what? Today I got up and chucked a piss, then I got my keys and went to work"

Meh


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Works said:


> Thank you! I understand completely where you are coming from. I think this hits the nail on the head!! I, sometimes, have found myself rolling my eyes when he comes home and complains about work for example. Not that I don't want to listen to him vent, but for years it has been about the same stuff. I have told him to either do something about it, or quit sounding like a girl (I know.... sorry... that wasn't very nice.) But, I have since stopped responding/reacting that way. I realized that if I dont allow him to vent the frustrations he will just shutdown on me completely and not want to talk about anything. Slowly, but surely, dialogue between us has been improving tremendously.
> 
> This site has really helped me to see things with new eyes, and be more mindful.


That's all my H ever does, complain about work (he is an Alpha though), but he expects everyone to be on the ball like him and has no time for employees who are not pulling their weight etc, but I hear it all. 
Yet I really don't like talking to him about my issues, all I get is a lecture about the economy, what I should do, its's like talking to a consultant when all I want is a caring ear :scratchhead:
I talk to my friends instead. Maybe I should marry one of them? >


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

RandomDude said:


> What kind of feelings does he not want to talk about?
> 
> If it's like "how do you feel about this?" doesn't seem like an intrusive question. But straight up "tell me your feelings?" I'm like... errrr... what? And I end up making some sh-t up to pass the conversation.
> 
> ...


I barely get 20 minutes with him these days to talk. He is going through "Chief Season" at the moment. Last night I read him some of these comments, he laughed, he agreed with some of you... He gave me his opinion.. then it was bedtime. Our conversations, the deep, meaningful ones I love so much are on "hold" at the moment because of this. Patience is a virtue.


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

aine said:


> Works said:
> 
> 
> > Thank you! I understand completely where you are coming from. I think this hits the nail on the head!! I, sometimes, have found myself rolling my eyes when he comes home and complains about work for example. Not that I don't want to listen to him vent, but for years it has been about the same stuff. I have told him to either do something about it, or quit sounding like a girl (I know.... sorry... that wasn't very nice.) But, I have since stopped responding/reacting that way. I realized that if I dont allow him to vent the frustrations he will just shutdown on me completely and not want to talk about anything. Slowly, but surely, dialogue between us has been improving tremendously.
> ...


Oh dear! He sounds like mine. If we are talking about something he comes with his "facts, logic, and reasoning" to show me why this idea may work better. I have gotten to the point now that before we start a conversation, I ask if he brought his suitcase?! Hahaha!


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Works said:


> My husband says they really do not like to talk about "feelings and stuff." They are not built that way. I do sometimes find myself talking to him about the posts I come across on here wishing he would give me his opinion.. then I realized that he is not very interested... but he tries.


Generally speaking yes. Women are far more emotional externally. Men more so internally. At least when it comes to relationships. 

Sometimes this causes problems when men get "comfortable" internally and women want the external validation of being "romanced".


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