# Do you have full disclosure with your spouse regarding finances?



## Tommy509 (Feb 11, 2011)

My wife makes more than I do. I make about $65k and she about $120k. After health ins, 401k and the usual taxes and deductions, my net is about $2800/mth, and hers about (I think) $4800/mth, totaling about $7600 per month. I give her $1500/mth and she pays all the bills except my car payment/ins and cable/phone/internet. Our house payment is about $2500/mth. Loose arithmetic indicates that she should have about $3800/mth after the house payment to pay remaining the energy and misc bills, and I am left with about $1300/mth to pay my bills. 

Here's the thing. The kids had gone to private school (her choice and overrated, btw) and she was paying that bill, but now the kids are all done with college and I'm still paying her the $1500. Whenever I ask her about where our money us going or anything specific about finances, she gets defensive and angry. We keep separate bank accounts, and I never attempt to hide anything from her. She collects our tax info for the accountant and knows where my money is, but locks up her bank account info and won't give me a straight answer about how much she has or where it's being spent.

Is this normal? Is everyone else completely open about their marital finances? If something happened to her, I would have no idea where our money is.

Thanks in advance.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

Hmm... well, it's not how we do things, but I guess that doesn't make it abnormal. Even so, I don't like the part where she locks up her bank account info and you don't know what's going on.

As far as how we do it, we do joint everything (the 'his money is our money, my money is our money, our money is our money' system). And in fact we are 100% full disclosure, every penny is recorded on paper (that's my job) because we are in major frugal mode trying to save for some major things. He gives me all receipts for things he spends on and I record his plus mine on a weekly budget chart which is kept in a notebook that we are both welcome to look at, at any time. 

Your post is actually a big part of why I don't understand separate accounts unless there is some logistical reason for them. Our household simply would not function if we had to divide up bills. Who pays for the house phone we both use? Who pays for food? The one who eats it or the one who cooks it for the other one? It's too hard and it's too prone to causing problems.

However, we don't use the money we each make the same way. My husband's salary generally goes toward expenses, and mine generally goes toward savings, but of course some months we put more into savings if we can (using his) and some months some of mine goes into expenses - but it's all OUR savings and OUR expenses, if that makes sense. We just do it that way because his salary is more stable month to month whereas mine is related to how much work I get and can be really high one month and really low the next.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Me & my husband is like Omegas post....the "his money is my money, my money is his money" type philosophy. 

My husband earns less than you and I don't even work (though have had odd jobs in the past throughout our marriage) , he allows me to watch over very dime. I balance the shared checkbook, write out every bill, he lets me decide how much to take out of his pay for the Credit Union, which CD's to sock our $$ into, which credit cards to get in our names , all of it.

He has total trust cause I am even cheaper than him , I watch over every dime & make sure it is spent wisely -and gets a return if it can. 

If I made more $$ than my husband (which will never happen anyway)... I could ONLY see doing what your wife is doing (minus the secretive nature of it) ....if I felt my husband was getting carried away with his purchases, buying foolishly, in excess, wasting our $$, being undisciplined with it - to where it was biting into our agreed savings for our future together, our families goals, shared dreams. 

Outside of this scenerio, it makes little sense to me. It appears far too shrouded in secrecy. What other secrets does she keep?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Pretty much.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Could it be that she is socking away this "sap money" for the day she tells you she is leaving you?


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

I am similar. I make more money than my hubby, we have our own bank accounts, and we split the house costs 50\50. That being said, because I make more money, I have more "free cash" to spend. So I get stuck paying for car repairs, house repairs, every single little thing that happens. 

why don't I share what's going on?
Because my H pays his half of the bills, and then blows every last penny of his cheques on "toys". Bikes, skateboards, remote cars, you name it. He is lousy, awful with money. I won't let him near my bank account. And he hates it. Same as OP. 

Well, guess what? I went to night school. I worked very long hours. I have earned my nice big pay cheques. I deserve it. And I'm not about to give it away to someone who is 40, has no college education, and quits jobs every year. If he wants more money... finish your trade certificate, get a better job, earn it just like I did.
Jealousy versus laziness. You get back what you put in.


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## Tommy509 (Feb 11, 2011)

Your model of all money is family money is certainly a more wholesome way to do it. There are likely bigger issues here. I've always thought that she doesn't really trust me and have confronted her about it. Of course, she insists that she does trust me, but her actions aren't consistent. Until last year, my only bank and credit accounts were joint and hers were all individual. I finally cancelled the joint accounts and put the funds in my name because I felt vulnerable and wanted my own credit. I have my own savings, checking and credit cards. I generally pay the big ticket house repairs and we share food and entertainment. I'm generally more frugal than her and have a decent savings. We've had compatibility issues for years and I have not been happy for some time. I think she knows that and is insecure about the marriage. That said, I don’t hide any finances from her. I’ve even suggested that I take over the bill paying and she can write me a check, but she won’t consider it. “Sap money” is always a possibility, but I don’t think she’d ever leave. She really does try to make me happy, but our issues go pretty deep. We each have our own 401k, but our retirement company stock is in her name, so even if we split, I’d have little claim to it. I wouldn’t want it or her 401k anyway. I guess it’s something we need to sit down and discuss, among other things. Thanks for the feedback. I appreciate it.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

Our finances aren't separate at all. We have joint savings, joint checking, and joint CC. For the first few years of our M I was making more. Now I'm a SAHM. All income is shared no matter who earns more.
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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

My husband earns A LOT more, so he pays for a lot more things, which is only fair. Even after I finish my course that will increase what I earn, my salary will still be less than half of what my husband makes.

I am well aware of the debt that he is in and he is aware of mine. We do not have joint accounts; I am not good with money, except when I am saving towards a specific goal.

Money is shared in our marriage.


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## expatforlife (Jun 12, 2011)

As of close to three years ago, I quit working and now just a SAHW at my husband request. He makes a good salary. I have complete control over our finances. I do all the budgeting, paying the bills and everything related. 

Previously when we worked I made half as much as him and it was never an issue. It all went into the same account and what was left over was play money. Back then we would switch every two years who was responsible for paying bills and such. Money is money is our house, its neither his or mine.


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## Malibu (Nov 4, 2011)

My husband is actually the one who earns all the money, and does all the bills, although that's not the way I necessarily want it. He has been pretty secretive about it before mostly because I think that he was worried what would happen when I TRULY found out just how much debt he's racked up. I'm finally pulling answers from him out of desperation for our situation but getting answers and getting account numbers and passwords to accounts has been like pulling teeth. 

I'm not sure why the secrecy, but something doesn't add up. I'm sure you know more about the situation that might be a clue as to what is really going on here. But I don't think it's really how things should be. I think it creates a lot of problems. I know that from being on the same side of the issue for years.


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## FurryFluffy (Dec 2, 2011)

Yes I do.
We only have 1 account, and all of our money go there.Your money is our money, and my money is our money.I tell him if I want something, plan to buy something, urgently need something and so on, and vice versa.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Yes, we have one account, which we both have access to. My husband brings in all the money tour household. Neither one of us are big spenders. We mainly buy only what we need.

There are no secrets in our marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

*Dean* said:


> I know a few married couples who still have their own accounts, even after 20+ yrs. Someone trends to spend to much or doesn't have good saving skills, etc.


Beg to differ (in our case) Together 25+ years and still maintain separate checking, savings and CCs. But we do have full disclosure, passwords and signature on each others accounts. This model has worked for us very well and in our time together we've only argued about money once. However it works primarily because we have common values on how we spend money and save for the future. We were both raised by depression era parents who had it tough during those years and passed much of those values on to us. Since our habits are about the same we don't really feel a need to check up on each other. If a couples spending/saving habits are disparate then full disclosure is even more important. Better to lead to some conflict than bankruptcy.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

We do it the exact opposite we make a little more combined 60/40 with me making more than her.

I handle all of the finances and she gets a allowance  she still get's whatever she wants, but always asks first if it's over her predetermined weekly allowance.

I do all bill paying, retirement, grocery shopping, etc that's that.


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## gonefishin (Oct 7, 2011)

Tommy

I would get her attention this way. Stop giving her the 1500 per month and change your passcode. Just kidding.

Tell her you want to sit down and review all finances.

I own my own business, it gets tricky with finances. I let my wife know when things are tight and I also let her know when the business is doing well. It keeps everything in perspective. It has worked well for the last 18 years.

Funny thing though, I give her 800 per week, she is reponsible for groceries, clothes for her and the kids, and a couple utilites. I take care of everything else. She also has a part time job so she clears 1000 per week. Thats is 52k a year for groceries, clothing, and a couple utilites. Does she ever have any money? NO! Oh, one more thing when she goes away with the kids to visit relitives, she leaves no food for her hubby.


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## effess (Nov 20, 2009)

Tommy509 said:


> My wife makes more than I do. I make about $65k and she about $120k. After health ins, 401k and the usual taxes and deductions, my net is about $2800/mth, and hers about (I think) $4800/mth, totaling about $7600 per month. I give her $1500/mth and she pays all the bills except my car payment/ins and cable/phone/internet. Our house payment is about $2500/mth. Loose arithmetic indicates that she should have about $3800/mth after the house payment to pay remaining the energy and misc bills, and I am left with about $1300/mth to pay my bills.
> 
> Here's the thing. The kids had gone to private school (her choice and overrated, btw) and she was paying that bill, but now the kids are all done with college and I'm still paying her the $1500. Whenever I ask her about where our money us going or anything specific about finances, she gets defensive and angry. We keep separate bank accounts, and I never attempt to hide anything from her. She collects our tax info for the accountant and knows where my money is, but locks up her bank account info and won't give me a straight answer about how much she has or where it's being spent.
> 
> ...


My wife and I are completely open about finances. All the money goes in one bank account, and she manages it, but doesn't make any big decisions without us talking about it. 
But I've heard everything across the board. When it comes to money in the marriage, I don't think there's much that doesn't classify as 'normal'. From your post, I would find her getting defensive about your queries troubling, and would definitely pique my curiousity, that's for sure.


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## illinoishubbyandwifey (Jan 6, 2012)

We do fully disclose to each other. I can see otherwise it could be devastating to learn about mounds of debt etc.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Yeah, we too have joint accounts..checking, savings, CCs. We each carry one 'independent' credit card but really that is more a defense for having someone losing their wallet and having to cancel everything.

Full disclosure. No 'mine' or 'yours'.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

I give my wife money when she needs it, but she does not have a clear idea of what I make or the nature of our savings. However, if she wanted that, I would tell her. Your wife's refusal to provide some basic information is unusual. 

My wife makes more than I do. I make about $65k and she about $120k. After health ins, 401k and the usual taxes and deductions, my net is about $2800/mth, and hers about (I think) $4800/mth, totaling about $7600 per month. I give her $1500/mth and she pays all the bills except my car payment/ins and cable/phone/internet. Our house payment is about $2500/mth. Loose arithmetic indicates that she should have about $3800/mth after the house payment to pay remaining the energy and misc bills, and I am left with about $1300/mth to pay my bills. 

Here's the thing. The kids had gone to private school (her choice and overrated, btw) and she was paying that bill, but now the kids are all done with college and I'm still paying her the $1500. Whenever I ask her about where our money us going or anything specific about finances, she gets defensive and angry. We keep separate bank accounts, and I never attempt to hide anything from her. She collects our tax info for the accountant and knows where my money is, but locks up her bank account info and won't give me a straight answer about how much she has or where it's being spent.

Is this normal? Is everyone else completely open about their marital finances? If something happened to her, I would have no idea where our money is.

Thanks in advance.
_Posted via Mobile Device_[/QUOTE]


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## ICouples (Jan 13, 2012)

I think money should be shared (even if it goes to two different bank accounts) but should be probably managed by the one in the couple that is more finance-literate.
Please don't take it as an offence, but many families that earn good salaries actually end up into the "rat race". In a nutshell: more money=more expenses. What Kyosaki suggests in "Rich dad poor dad" is that the more money that we earn should be used to build assets (those assets that bring money into our pockets) that generate positive cash flows.
Instead many of us end up being slaves for all their lives because depend so heavily on their monthly check.
At the moment, I'm trying to get out of the rat race by the way..


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

If she won't discuss it or explain her concerns or her behavior, then no it's not 'normal', meaning healthy. As you pointed out, a change in children's expenses warrants a new look at the arrangements. Also it's ridiculous to think that the home equity is the same as it was when this arrangement started. Certainly you both need to sit down and make sure that things are equalized according to earned income, including vesting in retirement accounts, equity, etc. 

Many parents take their extra income and pay for private school or things for their children. That's neither here not there. It should be a joint decision of two parents though, not a decision that is able to be made solely on the basis of who has the money to pay for it. Private school is usually a committed lifestyle and any school choice is a matter of coparenting. It seems to me that maybe there is a conflict or power equality based on income in your house, and that's what strikes me as not normal, or healthy. Not how things 'should' be based on earning power. There are other ways of contributing to a household than sheer dollars. Time for instance, comes to mind. Effort, input, thought...energy, love/attention...

Life outside the rat race is lovely, by the way. But that too is a chosen lifestyle and it might not be for your wife. Resistance is not always about the bottom line when it comes to making big changes...even if you feel they are for the best, and have a reference that most people might embrace, she might not see it that way, and could be experiencing even terror at the changes you'd like to make...meaning, gee, what else might my husband like to change...maybe me, too? I'm not saying this is the case, I'm just saying that she has been putting into the marriage in one way and you're doing something that now might disenfranchise her without replacing the power she's lost with anything else...


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## His_Pixie (Jan 29, 2012)

After problems with money in my previous marriage, I maintain a separate account from my husband of four months. I earn more money. He pays me for the mortgage and health insurance (which comes out of my pay). I pay for utilities and the major groceries. He pays for incidentals and his own bills from prior to our marriage. I recently provided him info regarding my debt as we have hired a financial planner (not that we have THAT much to plan with!). I did not want to, I will admit that. But I do think it is a good idea to be open about finances. I just don't WANT to. Bad past experiences. However, I want to maintain my own bank account, pay for my own debts and spend my money as I want. My "extravangances" are helping my children. I don't want anyone telling me I can't do that.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

No disclosures needed. We have one bank account, both our paychecks go in there and we pay all our bills out of this account. We also have a joint savings account. This is our life together, makes only sense to me to share a checking/savings account as well.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

We are completely transparent on everything including money.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

My husband let's me handle all the finances but we both have access to them all the time. With the internet and modern banking it's pretty darn easy. Neither of us needs permission for a purchase unless it's big. If my husband gave me an allowance, I'd give him the evil eye and take weeeeee bit more than I was supposed to. I mean an allowance? Seriously? Who does that besides parents of children?!


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## Jennifer_DIN (Feb 5, 2012)

Tommy_509, that arrangement doesn't sound very fair to me!
You need to get a joint account you can both see!

You know full well exactly which costs are joint costs (eg. house, bills, kids' education) and that money should go in and out of a joint account - it doesn't sound fair that you're paying her and it certainly isn't reasonable that she won't give you a breakdown of exactly where it's going!

Just because someone earns more than their partner doesn't make them the boss of joint finances!


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Me and my spouse have always been transparent with financial issues we have 1 joint checking acct. And several joint savings accts. We have similar incomes she is a nurse and I am a technology support manager for 
A local school district. We sit down every 2 weeks and reconcile our checking acct and paybills. We apply the joint agreement principle on purchases over 100.00 all our needs and wants are taken care of sometimes we have to wait depending upon the item or items. We are both happy with arrangement and it also provides her sfinancial security which is one of her needs. It works for us
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tropical (Jul 15, 2011)

Tommy509 said:


> My wife makes more than I do. I make about $65k and she about $120k. After health ins, 401k and the usual taxes and deductions, my net is about $2800/mth, and hers about (I think) $4800/mth, totaling about $7600 per month. I give her $1500/mth and she pays all the bills except my car payment/ins and cable/phone/internet. Our house payment is about $2500/mth. Loose arithmetic indicates that she should have about $3800/mth after the house payment to pay remaining the energy and misc bills, and I am left with about $1300/mth to pay my bills.
> 
> Here's the thing. The kids had gone to private school (her choice and overrated, btw) and she was paying that bill, but now the kids are all done with college and I'm still paying her the $1500. Whenever I ask her about where our money us going or anything specific about finances, she gets defensive and angry. We keep separate bank accounts, and I never attempt to hide anything from her. She collects our tax info for the accountant and knows where my money is, but locks up her bank account info and won't give me a straight answer about how much she has or where it's being spent.
> 
> ...


 I earn more online, my Love earns more offline. But we share everything at 50/50.  I think that it's normal and it's in fair.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Why don't you check the tax return. That would list interest and investment income.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Having each have complete disclosure can be difficult. Well Charles, i see you spent 156.00 on golf stuff, haven't you spent enough, I don't understand why we need more golf things, particularly where these cabinets have not been replaced. 

People should be able to spend a little money without interrogation, but this concealment goes beyond that.


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## Reformed_A_hole (Aug 21, 2012)

You and your wife should be using your money to build wealth at this stage. So my question to you is this: Has the value of your net assets/investments increased? Or not?

Also, consider whether she sees her income as being "her" money and how much you have to answer for your spending.


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## srcampbell1975 (Sep 12, 2012)

Hi yall, i'm new here and actually came upon this forum in searching google for answers as to why my husband keeps the finances from me. He has had his own bank account as well as a savings account for almost 2 years. we did share accounts at one point, but then he started his own account. he makes 3x as much as i do and i live paycheck to paycheck now. 'ive addressed why he has chosen this route and he says bc its the only way that we are going to save money. when we had a joint account, we were always asking why is this being spent, why is that being spent...whats this for and whats that for...we also have a bill account, where he had a certain % of his check going into it to cover a few bills, ie. gym, phones, electric and toll tag....however, he changed that about 2 months ago and now there is nothing that goes in there and i have to ask him to transfer money to the account just to pay bills. We have faught over this numberous times, it takes him forever to transfer money, therefore bills go late. i have to ask him over and over to do it, then it doesnt get done and then he is like "well i'll just pay it out of my account". Doesnt make any since to me. 
i've stressed to him that i should really be able to get into his accounts anytime like he is able to get into mine because anything can happen at any time. He rides motorcycles and i worry about him all the time...works a good ways from home and it takes him sometimes up to an hour 1/2 to get home...i worry about something happening to him, death even...then what do i do...i have no access to any of the money he SAYS he has saved...I have no access to account numbers for bills, ie. car note, motorcycle note, etc etc. what do i do!! And tabooot, we have a child and my income alone doesnt support everything for all three of us. 
He also travels alot, so what do i do when he is gone and something comes up that I cant afford to pay for from my check??? 
i'm at a total loss. He has told me in the past that he doesnt trust me with the money bc i'm not good with it. Understandable, but dang it, there are so many reasons to share an account and he is just not getting it. He told me 2 weeks ago that he ordered me a decit card for his account so that i'll have access to it....well i've still not recieved that card and we bank with BOA...which it takes 2-4 days to get a new card....NOT 2 weeks. So I think he is just blowing smoke up my butt to shut me up.
I really need some advice. thanks.


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