# Anniversary on Friday- what to do?



## Waiting Patiently (Aug 31, 2009)

Per past threads, married 15 years and separated 3 and 1/2 months after wife left-staying with mother 5 minutes away- status quo intact with everything regarding finances etc except wife brought some clothes over mothers along with personal items. In short, wife does not know what she wants-does not want formal separation with agreement but will not committ to coming home. Says we are working on ourselves and she is soul searching. Wife also wants to quit job as director of comapny and go back to school for Buddhism training!!!! Anniversary is this Friday. Have had limited contact with wife; however, did ask her week or so ago that I acknowledge her need for space to work through the things she needs and wanted to let her know that I would enjoy getting together in any way she may feel comfortable on our anniversary. She answered she was not sure- she would think about it! This seems to be exactly where she is in life- just thinking about everything. I don't think I should ask her again to go out if I do not hear from her. Does everyone agree? I also purchased her a beautiful crystal Mandarin Duck set (ironically great luck and healing powers for marriages based on Chinese folklore) back in April when I was at a showroom before she left. Do I give this to her or just hold onto it? Should I consider giving it to her if she reaches out with a gift so I do not seem to be pursuing. Please help. Thanks so much!:scratchhead:


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## manin_charge (Sep 17, 2009)

Wow, sorry to hear about your problems. I'm also dealing with a seperation right now. Our anniversary is in 2 weeks too, not really sure what to do either. She seems so distant and disconnected from me. I bet that's how u feel about ur wife. I would say, just give her the gift, let her know that times may be tough but doesn't mean YOUR gonna give up. I wish i could take my own advice, but i think my wife is almost to the point of no return. I wish the best for you


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I would sent her a simple card-nothing mushy or romantic. 

You could give her the gift that you have...I'm not sure. 

Go with your gut on this one.


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

I went through this same issue a few weeks ago with my anniversary. We always tried to do something special, dinner, weekend trips, etc. 

This year.... nothing. Not even a card. 

You could give her the gift and tell her that you bought it some time ago and still want her to have it. 

Don't expect much. I've found keeping your expectations low makes things a little easier. Sad but true.


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

I'm not looking forward to my anniversary date either. Its in a couple of weeks. I will be at work. Although I know things are through and honestly, I want them to be through and over, it is not going to be an easy day to take.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

I definitely wouldn't be giving any gifts at this stage - but it's a very personal thing...
ask yourself can you give this and expect 'nothing' in return ?
or be happy with 'rejection' in return?
if you can't I'd be ignoring the day as best you can...


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## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

I understand your dilemma. Our anniversary was back in August. I told my H that I was taking the day off from work and was going to just be with me. He did call during the day to make sure that I was ok. Other than that nothing. 8 years and nothing! I was so heartbroken.


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## Waiting Patiently (Aug 31, 2009)

Thanks for all your kind words and posts. Our daughter is staying with me at the moment and Anniversary day is here. I woke up very down-a painful reminder indeed. I decided to sleep on it. In any event, I decided in the end, since I purchased the gift months ago, that I would give it to her and try to keep expectations to none. Ironically, our daughter and we had to meet at a private school orientation this am. My wife was cold to me upon arriving with no mention of the day. She grew increasingly nice, smiling and cheery as the hour went along. When we completed the tour, we were walking back to the cars- i told my wife to please wait a moment and I gave her the gift and card outside my daughter's presence. She seemed so nervous she could not even open it without my help. In short, she seemed to enjoy the gift after recieving it- and she simply gave me a long hug and a quick kiss. We excahnged I Love You's and she had to leave for work. It is all so weird. I am deflated a bit but not much more than when I woke up. I actually feel good that I continue to do what my heart tells me to do-being true to myself and marriage, especially as I still don't know if she will be coming home or not (see my previous posts about the true lim:madbo I am experiencing). Did I make a big mistake? There is a part of me which is thinking I may have. I respect everyone's honestly on whether i made a big mistake this am. My wife is just so hard to read- while she wants to be alone, when I don't do something she seems to be even more distant- i just did not want to fuel this mess by not acknowledging the day.:


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## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

You went with your heart. It is what it is and it is now done. Her reaction was great so don't question your actions.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

'Mistake' is a relative term. You are in that place where virtually any action, behavior, verbal exchange, or thought can be weighed as a mistake when your hopeful outcome is weighed against the probable outcome.

Don't sweat it. There will come a time when you recognize that a course of action will cause you pain and as a result, you will either accept it or avoid it.

There is nothing at all wrong with you honoring what the day represents. Be happy, sad, angry, whatever you feel. I think you already recognize that her expectations simply are not going to match yours. Right now, there isn't much to celebrate, but plenty to reflect on. So my perspective is, you are only making mistakes when _you_ are aware that your expectations and behavior will result in you feeling rejected and hurt.
You don't need forfeit the honor of your marriage by choosing to protect and preserve your own well-being.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

How can you make a mistake when you have been true to yourself?
well done!


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

No mistakes...you went with what you needed to do and your heart. Nothing wrong as it may have made your feel better than ignoring the fact. 

I know it's sad and disappointing. The day is now over.


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