# May Not Make 25 YR Anniversary



## 25 year bail out (Jun 25, 2013)

I am new here, I hope this will help me a little. I really could use some support. We have been married 25 years this coming November 2013. We may not make it. I caught my hubby having cybersex with an old high school sweetheart. Then he informs me the reason why he pursued this is because he is no longer interested in my body and has not for a very long time. I always tried to initiate sex but he is the one who always made an excuse. Now it gets worse. I am a 16 year breast cancer survivor and he has the nerve to tell me my body turns him off. I have had two operations for reconstruction. I cannot make it look 100% anymore. It is what it is. In a bra you would never know. I am not overweight, I do not look my age and I am in good health otherwise. I think all this is an excuse for him to move on, but it has hurt me something awful. I cannot hate him though because he has always been there for me before. He tells me I have not done anything wrong and we were always best friends. I am lost. I have seen a counselor twice and he is going to go tomorrow for the first time. I think 25 years is enough to want to give this a shot at working, but I really do not know how to live this out day by day. Any help out there??


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

25 year bail out said:


> I am new here, I hope this will help me a little. I really could use some support. We have been married 25 years this coming November 2013. We may not make it. I caught my hubby having cybersex with an old high school sweetheart. Then he informs me the reason why he pursued this is because he is no longer interested in my body and has not for a very long time. I always tried to initiate sex but he is the one who always made an excuse. Now it gets worse. I am a 16 year breast cancer survivor and he has the nerve to tell me my body turns him off. I have had two operations for reconstruction. I cannot make it look 100% anymore. It is what it is. In a bra you would never know. I am not overweight, I do not look my age and I am in good health otherwise. I think all this is an excuse for him to move on, but it has hurt me something awful. I cannot hate him though because he has always been there for me before. He tells me I have not done anything wrong and we were always best friends. I am lost. I have seen a counselor twice and he is going to go tomorrow for the first time. I think 25 years is enough to want to give this a shot at working, but I really do not know how to live this out day by day. Any help out there??


It is an excuse, because two scars even with no reconstruction are sexy on a woman you love. You look at those scars and thank the heavens that she's still with you. He sounds cruel.. you should go dark on him until he figures out what he's about to lose. Best of luck to you.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

You husband is a fool and an ass. You love someone because you love them. If you take care of yourself that is all he should expect. To tell someone you are not interested in them because of circumstances beyond their control is just the sign of an ass. Sorry if I am so blunt.

I bet you were a bit self conscious about your scars and now he is using that knowledge to harm you.

What your H is doing is disgraceful. He is selfish. He promised to love you in sickness and in health. He is hiding his selfishness and shame by blaming you.

If I were you I would give him a good wake up call. What he is doing is very cruel, very selfish, and very disrespectful.

You do not deserve to be treated like that by him or anyone.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

There are people out there who would love you body and soul.
You deserve a sexual life, with or without him, set him straight, you won't wait too much to have it. He can join you or get out. Enough is enough.
You need to start giving a sh!t abut this selfish man.


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

These are excuses he is using to justify in his mind what he is doing. Cheaters will always work something out in their heads so they do not feel like horrible people, which he does, really, and should.

My H, when he is committed to me,as he seems to be now, tells me I'm beautiful and that he loves me, every day after 35 years together. My body is not what is was in 1978. 

I know his physical flaws, but, I love him and they do not affect how I feel about him physically. The only time I did not want to be intimate with him, was when he was lying and cheating and treating me like he didn't even like me, which he didn't. It was his way of rationalizing what he was doing.

You deserve better, do what you need to take care of yourself, make yourself happy and he may, or may not , see what he will be losing. If he doesn't, you are better off without him.


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## lewmin (Nov 5, 2012)

Normally I do not advocate the spouse to come on to TAM because the advice given is usually for the one seeking advice and this is usually the hurt/betrayed spouse. 

In this case, I expect the responses to your husband's behavior are going to be extremely vile and come in rapid fire, and perhaps he needs to see firsthand right here on TAM of what people think of his actions so he realizes what a complete shallow person he is.


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## 25 year bail out (Jun 25, 2013)

He could read this and he would just not respond. I don't think he would be vile at all, just sort of dead inside. But thanks for the suggestion, I doubt though that any of this would affect him at all sadly to say.


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## lewmin (Nov 5, 2012)

i said the responses by TAM members yo your husbands behavior will be vile...not your husband.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

There is more to this cyber sex with an old school chum. I suspect that there is or was a PA. He is an arse and sex in my mind would have nothing to do with breasts. You get sick and he cheats. I just don't understand these people.


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

To have and to hold in sickness and in health, till death do you part. I love my wife for my reasons, your body, your mind your soul I love. The changes before and after the birth of our daughter. Will never change my mind to how I feel about my love, my all, my everything. I said this to my wife as she got a little edgy how she felt about her body four months post baby. I made her cry in a most beautiful way. Maybe your husband should read what I wrote and others of course. Wake is a** up. Sorry gets me corked when people do that. No excuses, say what you really mean. Does that help.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Good empathy for the OP. 

Can we also add some advice as what to do next? 

I think she is looking for that too.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

anchorwatch said:


> Good empathy for the OP.
> 
> Can we also add some advice as what to do next?
> 
> I think she is looking for that too.


Yes, please add some advice.. so far we have:

Go dark, wake up call, take care of yourself, have him read this thread...


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

anchorwatch said:


> Good empathy for the OP.
> 
> Can we also add some advice as what to do next?
> 
> I think she needs that too.


Take stock of who you are. You are not defined by your husband. You are yourself. What you need to do is realize that you are important as a person.

Take a good and honest look at your life and see it for what it is. Do you love your husband? Do you love the life you have or do you love the life you thought you had? Do you want to be married? Do you want to Reconcile?

You need to work on yourself and to be strong. Find things you want to do and do them. Be happy for you. Don't be happy for him and go out and enjoy life.

As for him, you know he is a cheater. Do NOT let him dictate your actions. When I had my DDay, my EX told me she did not find me physically attractive anymore. I lost 30 lbs in 10 days. I was just crushed. I didn't think about how cruel that was until I read your post as I saw it done to someone else.

I hit the gym and let my anger and desire to better myself win the day. Start working on yourself.

Also from a legal point of view, you need to worry about yourself now. Make sure you have separate finances etc... Make sure you will be taken care of and kids if there are any. It's business now. It might hurt a lot but you need to take care of business and get records of his infidelity. You may need them later.

I am so sorry you are here.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Did he cut the sex right after the surgery and reconstruction?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

What did you do when you caught him? how do you know he's stopped, or that it was just cybersex?

Him telling you what he did is a result of being in what's called the fog. Read the newbie link in my signature. Lots of needed info in there. Your hubby needs a wake up call. Kicking him out would suffice.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

25 year bail out said:


> I am new here, I hope this will help me a little. I really could use some support. We have been married 25 years this coming November 2013. We may not make it. I caught my hubby having cybersex with an old high school sweetheart. Then he informs me the reason why he pursued this is because he is no longer interested in my body and has not for a very long time. I always tried to initiate sex but he is the one who always made an excuse. Now it gets worse. I am a 16 year breast cancer survivor and he has the nerve to tell me my body turns him off. I have had two operations for reconstruction. I cannot make it look 100% anymore. It is what it is. In a bra you would never know. I am not overweight, I do not look my age and I am in good health otherwise. I think all this is an excuse for him to move on, but it has hurt me something awful. *I cannot hate him though because he has always been there for me before.* He tells me I have not done anything wrong and we were always best friends. I am lost. I have seen a counselor twice and he is going to go tomorrow for the first time. I think 25 years is enough to want to give this a shot at working, but I really do not know how to live this out day by day. Any help out there??


He is not there for you now.
Look, either he's saying this as an excuse to justify the A, or he is more shallow than you have ever realized. And does it matter which? I'm not in your situation so I can't honestly answer that. The fact is this was a choice he made-you did not drive him to it, or cause his choice. It is all him. Maybe counseling will open his eyes, but prepare yourself. It is unlikely to be pleasant.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

This has upset me. My wife has a very large scar as a result of a childhood operation. 

And guess what? That's absolutely cool, because it is my wife's scar, dang it!

Is your husband really not turned on by you or does he somehow feel guilty that you had cancer and he didn't?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

25 year bail out said:


> Then he informs me the reason why he pursued this is because he is no longer interested in my body and has not for a very long time. I always tried to initiate sex but he is the one who always made an excuse. Now it gets worse. I am a 16 year breast cancer survivor and he has the nerve to tell me my body turns him off. I have had two operations for reconstruction.


I wouldn't put a lot of weight on what he says if he is blaming it on your surgeries. Look at the other threads here, most all of the cheaters say they lost sexual attraction. Then they re-write history.

My guess is that your husband likes the excitement of a "new" relationship where she is much more "perfect" than you, not because of your surgeries, but because she only communicates via text and internet and can always show him her best personality, her best look. She controls what he sees, and none of life's day-to-day unpleasantness - work, chores, finances - intrude. It's just I love you's and high school type infatuation. Give it 24 years (or even 3), and he will be in the same spot with her as he is with you.

In order to rekindle your relationship, the first thing that has to happen is that he has to end the affair and re-commit to you.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> What did you do when you caught him? how do you know he's stopped, or that it was just cybersex?


This is very important. He was doing stuff at your back, betraying you, lying to you. It means you must question everything, from the real extent of his betrayal to the reasons - explanations - excuses he pulls. You just take with a grain of salt every word out of his mouth and his motivations.
It means you need to do a serious snooping work here; it means keylogger on the computer, spyware on the phone, VARs, GPS. It means to pull the phone bill as long in the past as you can and tracing the money spent.
I means you start trying to make sens of potential clues since he cut off the sex and/or any other forms of intimacy.
It also means you need to talk with a lawyer and prepare for the worse.

BTW if you were in a sexless marriage for a while and you was into him but was rejected... what kind of excuses gave earlier?


Once more thing, again. I have no doubt you are beautiful and your boobs are very lovable. 


(Can this be said at TAM?) :scratchhead:


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

<<My guess is that your husband likes the excitement of a "new" relationship where she is much more "perfect" than you, not because of your surgeries, but because she only communicates via text and internet and can always show him her best personality, her best look. She controls what he sees, and none of life's day-to-day unpleasantness - work, chores, finances - intrude. It's just I love you's and high school type infatuation. Give it 24 years (or even 3), and he will be in the same spot with her as he is with you.>>


Exactly, same situation my WH had. He found out her true colors recently when she accused him of giving out her cell # to someone who has been making obscene phone calls to her, or so she says. My H thought she was a nice person, thought she felt the same way about him and thought they parted amicably. He never blamed her for anything. Now he finds out that this is who she is, where her mind goes about him. He is disappointed in her and says it just makes it easier to forget her. 

He is very unhappy to learn I was right about her thriving on the drama. He thought he was her confidant and white knight, while I'm not entirely sure it wasn't a ploy to engage him yet again.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

You are probably in danger of believing that you are not an attractive woman to men. Your husband has failed you miserably and you will be tempted to think that you are not desirable. *If you are a good woman and build yourself up then there will be men interested in you.*

Your first order of business is to get yourself built up. Do anything and everything only for you right now without any guilt. Even if your husband comes back to you tell him that he will have to win you back but you are not going to quit building yourself up because he has torn you down.

Get help wherever you can and never buy into the lie that you are not a desirable woman. Millions of women have done it and so can you.

*He has forced the issue to be either you or him and you need to choose you for now!*


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