# Cheating Confirmed - What Now???



## cowboyfan (Nov 15, 2009)

Sorry in advance for the long post, just think the details may help with giving a completely lost guy some direction...

So my wife and I have been together for 12 years, married for 9 and living together more than 11. She's always been somewhat repressed/disinterested in the bedroom, which I've coped with because she's absolutely worth it in every other way. She's got some baggage (absent father, molestation by a family member, previously been cheated on/disrespected in other relationships) and for that reason I've always just accepted she's not the ideal sexual partner which is okay with me.

Fast forward to this year, I myself have been going through my own little bout of depression, I think partly due to financial stress, work stress, kid stress (we have 3), etc. It's just been a really bad year all around. She's also changed her working hours so we can cut out daycare, so a few days a week she's working late at night and we're seeing each other much less. I think as a result of this I haven't been there for her in the way she needs.

So the past few weeks she's acted very abnormal. She sent me a suggestive picture one day while I was at work, and although I took it as strange I was grateful all the same and let it pass. She's also been much more aggressive as of late, wanting to try new things and just generally more active (a few times a week instead of once every couple months at my urging). As grateful as I was, I sensed there was definitely something up.

So I confronted her about it, and after some urging she revealed that she's been conversing with an ex-boyfriend from high school she found via Facebook. Their talks turned into online and phone sex, and she sent him several nude/suggestive pictures of herself (she admitted the one I received was meant for his eyes). I was obviously hurt/angry, feeling that in my time of need she 'stabbed me in the back'. She's answered every question I've asked her, truthfully I think, but I still have doubts about whether she did this for sexual fulfillment (which is what she's led me to believe) or some deeper need (which is what I truly believe). She says she would have never allowed it to become physical, which (although it doesn't truly matter at this point) I really don't believe because this ex really seemed to have a hold of her.

On the plus side this incident has opened up communication between us like never before. Both in what we want from each other intimately, and from what we want from the relationship. I've asked for every painful detail of what they talked about, etc, and she's been open (I think) although it's clear she's embarrassed and doesn't want to discuss. I guess I'm still unsure WHY she started this other relationship, she's admitted he was different and interesting but beyond that hasn't opened up much. Any advice on how I should address this, I'm really grabbing at air right now trying to fix things but don't want to push/scare her away in doing so.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Well apparently she isn't repressed and disinterested in the bedroom as you had thought. If you've been thinking of her as a not ideal sexual partner, maybe you've also been treating her as a not ideal sexual partner.

Most women have a deep need for sexual attention from a man. I understand that it's been a rough year, and you've been having some issues yourself. Why not take this as a wake up call for you both, rather than some horrible trauma.

She needs to drop the FB friendship, and you need to step up into the role of being the ****y and funny sexy "jerk" that seems to have been pushing her buttons. Ask her for photos, the color of her panties, sex text her. _Play with her._ If they are into you, women quite like to be sexually harassed 

Maybe the decade+ with you has healed a lot of her old wounds.


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## cowboyfan (Nov 15, 2009)

Atholk said:


> Well apparently she isn't repressed and disinterested in the bedroom as you had thought. If you've been thinking of her as a not ideal sexual partner, maybe you've also been treating her as a not ideal sexual partner.
> 
> Most women have a deep need for sexual attention from a man. I understand that it's been a rough year, and you've been having some issues yourself. Why not take this as a wake up call for you both, rather than some horrible trauma.
> 
> ...


Thanks. I know I'm being 'dramatic', but the truth is I'm really just concerned I can't trust her anymore. But you're right, in terms of bedroom activity I've got no issue kicking it up a notch now that I know she's receptive. Guess I'm too accommodating for my own good sometimes, but no more! :smthumbup:


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

I agree withe other post. Use this as a "wake up" call and turn it into a positive. If you are connecting more both in and out of the bedroom than I say that's great and hopefully this is somethihg you can put behind you and move on. 

I also agree - continue the flirting - text her when you're not with her and "sext" her with provative conversations, etc. As a woman, I can tell you that playfulness is a HUGE turn on and makes a 10+ year marriage new and exciting again!! 

Also, if you haven't been there for her emotionally, etc. perhaps that's what led her to stray. Who knows, just be glad it only got as far as it did. (wish I could say the same :-( ) I would just continue to to make your marriage stronger and more exciting!!! Good Luck!


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

cowboyfan said:


> Thanks. I know I'm being 'dramatic', but the truth is I'm really just concerned I can't trust her anymore. But you're right, in terms of bedroom activity I've got no issue kicking it up a notch now that I know she's receptive. Guess I'm too accommodating for my own good sometimes, but no more! :smthumbup:


No you're not being "dramatic", having your partner start to wander off and begin being frisky with someone else is drama in and off itself, and you should have a strong reaction to it.

I think you need to have a short discussion with her about it all. Basically saying "we are going to take this as a wake up call, and make a couple changes". Keep this talk short. I mean under two minutes. Then follow through with activity. A good number of flirts and playful teasing through the day. Foreplay starts when you get out of bed, not when you get in it.

You'd be surprised what a ten second kiss will do to a woman if you land one on her and then simply walk away and do something else.

Good luck! I'm not overly worried on this one.


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