# Wife likes to hit



## Sc94 (Jun 29, 2016)

My wife and I have arguments pretty regularly, and she often times hits me or pushes me when we do. I never touched her back at first, until one day where she kept hitting and pushing me and I even sat down in another room to get away, but she followed me and I pushed her away from the couch. I felt so guilty because her doing it doesn't justify me doing it. Another time she kept punching my arm in the car and left bruises all down in, and I got so angry I punched her arm to make her stop. I left a bruise and I felt so awful. I did everything I could to make it right, and she stayed. Not after sending a picture of it to my family and her's. I never told anyone that she hit me first though, because I didn't want to make anyone mad at her. About a week ago, she starts hitting me and clawing me and twisting my crotch, leaving bruises, cuts, and welts. I grabbed her arm to make her stop, but in anger, I grabbed her too hard and left bruises. I went with her to counseling and signed up for anger management, because I want to fix MY issues. I never told anyone about my own bruises because I need to fix ME. Since then, she keeps threatening to call the cops every time we argue, and she hits me constantly now because she knows I'm trying to get help and that if I retaliate, I have no proof that she ever hit me and she has pictures of bruises that I left her after I tried to make her stop those times. Yesterday she hit me in the back of the head with ano air freshener can because we arguedon't about one of our dogs. I'm trying to save this marriage, and I'm doing everything we agreed on, and I'm trying to fix my issues, but I don't know what to do about hers. She is hitting me with anything and everything, just because she can now. My friends can't relate, so I have nobody to go to. Can anybody help? Has anyone went through anything similar and made it through it?


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

The next time she hits you, call the cops and have her sent to jail for awhile


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Dump her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Wow. The only issue you need to fix about yourself is that you stay and put up with this abusive bullsh!t. She sounds horrible, what redeeming qualities could she possibly have that makes you think you need to tolerate this?


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

You are not helping your cause staying silent. Document the abuse ASAP.


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## Sc94 (Jun 29, 2016)

We have very similar interests, and she is so much fun to be around when she is in her right mind. A few months after we got married, she was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. She would come to me with her problems, but I was so stressed out from working 80+ hours a week that I didn't try too hard to help her deal with it. I regret this, because husbands are supposed to be there for their wives. But I stay because I feel responsible for the resentment she has towards me. Couple that in with financial struggles, and I can understand why she acts so crazy sometimes. Her depression has gotten better, but the resentment still stayed.


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## Spellbound (Apr 16, 2016)

Get a security camera and get it on video.


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## Sc94 (Jun 29, 2016)

I started doing that yesterday. Sometimes I want to leave, but I worry that if I try to do it, she will try to use the times I retaliated against me to get me arrested or ruin my military career. I ultimately want to make it work though.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

You stay because you feel responsible for her resentment towards you???

She's really done a number on you. You're not thinking clearly due to her mindf*ck and physical abuse. Please get into counseling to figure out why you are willing to tolerate this. And SHE is the one who needs anger management.

Bruises? Scratches? Welts? Next time she does it, call the cops.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Do not push her anymore, but get away from her. Make sure you have it all on camera, to prove that you are not physically abusive to her if she tries to accuse you when you decide you have had enough and divorce her.

You have to have a sit down conversation with her when things are calm. Tell her your boundaries, and that pushing of any type will no longer be tolerated by you, and that the next time she does it, you will immediately file for divorce. Then follow through with it.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

You need to get your balls back. She is running the show and you are scared to stand up for yourself because you're scared of the unknown (being single). 

Give her a final warning.. "Wife, if you lay your hands on me again in an argument, I will call the cops, have you removed from the house, and file for divorce. I am not going to be abused anymore going forward."

Are you happy? Do you wish you were divorced from her? Life is too short to be miserable. Me and others on this site found our happiness again by divorcing our miserable partners. You can too.

Read No More Mr. Nice Guy: https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf

I read this book and it woke me up. I read the book twice in two days and left my ex wife 2 weeks later. I'm now happy again and in a fulfilling/loving relationship.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Sc94 said:


> We have very similar interests, and she is so much fun to be around when she is in her right mind. A few months after we got married, she was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. She would come to me with her problems, but I was so stressed out from working 80+ hours a week that I didn't try too hard to help her deal with it. I regret this, because husbands are supposed to be there for their wives. But I stay because I feel responsible for the resentment she has towards me. Couple that in with financial struggles, and I can understand why she acts so crazy sometimes. Her depression has gotten better, but the resentment still stayed.


Your wife is crazy and will eventually seriously hurt you or you will wind up in jail and lose your job. Get out. You can't fix crazy
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You need to see a psychologist. You are very mixed up. 

You need help badly to get away from this. Good lord man go back and read your posts!


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## Unicus (Jun 2, 2016)

Help you? Yes. Do.Not.Hit.Back.

You and she are violent. You both need to stop. In the absence of that you need to stop. 

Get some therapy, if she has a documented history of depression and anxiety, get in touch with whoever is treating that, but do not engage in violence.

Ok?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Doesn't she know that the U.S. government owns you - mind, body & soul? In essence, she is damaging government property. Maybe you can put the fear of God into her and tell her she can wind up in jail. If you're charged with anything, there goes your career and income.

Personally, you've put up with this for far too long. She thinks she can get away with it. Do you live on base?

Consider keeping a voice activated recorder on you when around her. That may help if she goes bat-shyte crazy and calls the authorities.


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

Sc94 said:


> My wife and I have arguments pretty regularly, and she often times hits me or pushes me when we do. I never touched her back at first, until one day where she kept hitting and pushing me and I even sat down in another room to get away, but she followed me and I pushed her away from the couch. I felt so guilty because her doing it doesn't justify me doing it. Another time she kept punching my arm in the car and left bruises all down in, and I got so angry I punched her arm to make her stop. I left a bruise and I felt so awful. I did everything I could to make it right, and she stayed. Not after sending a picture of it to my family and her's. I never told anyone that she hit me first though, because I didn't want to make anyone mad at her. About a week ago, she starts hitting me and clawing me and twisting my crotch, leaving bruises, cuts, and welts. I grabbed her arm to make her stop, but in anger, I grabbed her too hard and left bruises. I went with her to counseling and signed up for anger management, because I want to fix MY issues. I never told anyone about my own bruises because I need to fix ME. Since then, she keeps threatening to call the cops every time we argue, and she hits me constantly now because she knows I'm trying to get help and that if I retaliate, I have no proof that she ever hit me and she has pictures of bruises that I left her after I tried to make her stop those times. Yesterday she hit me in the back of the head with ano air freshener can because we arguedon't about one of our dogs. I'm trying to save this marriage, and I'm doing everything we agreed on, and I'm trying to fix my issues, but I don't know what to do about hers. She is hitting me with anything and everything, just because she can now. My friends can't relate, so I have nobody to go to. Can anybody help? Has anyone went through anything similar and made it through it?


You can only fix you. Ditch the abusive b!tch and move on. If she lays a finger on you...call the cop. Have her arrested for domestic violence. I'll never understand how anyone can feel good about themselves by being violent.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)

How's the make up sex? I'd expect pretty spectacular. If so, document and restrain only. If not, leave.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

The only part of you that needs to be fixed is your fear of getting your abuser in trouble with the law.

Not only does she have no fear of hitting you, she has no fear of turnig familyb on you and sicking the law on you.

This is a common tactic of personality disordered people. The like reversing the victim and offender to empower them and control the victim even more.

Get it om video, and give it to the cops. She won't stop, as she got everyone, even you, believing your the problem. She will only escalate. Stop this before something more serious happens.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

She is physically abusive. It has nothing to do with relative strength, or genders. Physical abuse is more obvious when the abuser is male and physically stronger, but it is not that uncommon for abusers to be women. They use the same techniques of making their partners feel guilty, or feel that they cannot leave. They have the advantage that if the victim fights back, the police are likely to blame the victim. 

This is a difficult situation to escape. You can tell your wife that the next time she hits you, you are calling the police, and then do it. Get some reports of abuse on file. 

Meanwhile contact a lawyer and start planning a divorce on the best terms you can manage. She may not end up in prison where she belongs, but at least you can get away.

There is never an excuse for abuse in a marriage.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

SC, I agree with @*larry.gray* that the abuse you describe goes far beyond the characteristics of MDD and GAD and may be much closer to the traits of a personality disorder. The behaviors you describe -- i.e., verbal and physical abuse, controlling behavior, easily triggered temper tantrums, lack of impulse control, and always being "The Victim" -- are classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Importantly, I'm not suggesting your W has full-blown BPD but, rather, that she may exhibit moderate to strong traits of it.

I caution that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a "spectrum" disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your W exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do. 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," lack of impulse control, and temper tantrums.



> She is hitting me with anything and everything, just because she can now.


If your W really is a BPDer (i.e., exhibits strong and persistent BPD traits), she carries enormous anger and hurt inside from early childhood. You therefore don't have to do a thing to CREATE the anger. Rather, you only have to do or say some minor thing that triggers a release of the anger that is already there. This is why a BPDer can burst into a rage in less than a minute -- oftentimes in only ten seconds. Moreover, BPDers have very weak control over their emotions. Indeed, the key defining characteristic of BPD is the inability to regulate one's own emotions.

For these reasons, the _physical_ abuse of a spouse or partner has been found to be strongly associated with BPD. One of the first studies showing that link is a 1993 hospital study of spousal batterers. It found that nearly all of them have a personality disorder and half of them have BPD. See Roger Melton's summary of that study at *50% of Batterers are BPDers*. Similarly, a *2008 study* and a *2012 study* find a strong association between violence and BPD. 



Sc94 said:


> She was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder.


Having strong traits of BPD would not rule out having MDD and GAD too. On the contrary, a recent large-scale study found that, for female BPDers, 36% of them also have co-occurring Major Depressive Disorder, 42% also have Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and 81% suffer from some type of anxiety disorder. See Table 3 at *2008 Study in JCP*.



> I can understand why she acts so crazy sometimes.


Perhaps your W sometimes does act "crazy" as you say. "Crazy," however, is NOT what you are describing here. When a person is acting crazy or psychotic, she loses touch with _physical _reality, e.g., thinking that the TV news announcer is addressing her personally. In contrast, a person exhibiting strong BPD traits typically sees physical reality just fine. What is distorted, with BPDers, is their perception of your intentions and motivations.



> Can anybody help?


I join @*happy as a clam,* @*Marc878*, and @*Unicus* in recommending that you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you are dealing with. Importantly, if you suspect that your W may be a BPDer, it would be prudent to see a psychologist who has never treated or seen your W. That way, you will be assured that the psych is ethically bound to protect YOUR best interests, not hers. I mention this because psychologists and therapists generally are loath to tell a high functioning BPDer (much less tell her H) the name of her disorder -- so as to protect that sick client.

I also suggest that, while you're looking for a good psych, you read about BPD red flags to see if they seem to apply. An easy place to start reading is my list of _*18 BPD Warning Signs*_. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you read my more detailed description of them at my posts in _*Maybe's Thread*_. If that description rings any bells, I would be glad to join the other respondents in discussing them with you. Take care, SC.


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## MoominWitch (Jun 23, 2016)

Sc94 said:


> My wife and I have arguments pretty regularly, and she often times hits me or pushes me when we do. I never touched her back at first, until one day where she kept hitting and pushing me and I even sat down in another room to get away, but she followed me and I pushed her away from the couch. I felt so guilty because her doing it doesn't justify me doing it. Another time she kept punching my arm in the car and left bruises all down in, and I got so angry I punched her arm to make her stop. I left a bruise and I felt so awful. I did everything I could to make it right, and she stayed. Not after sending a picture of it to my family and her's. I never told anyone that she hit me first though, because I didn't want to make anyone mad at her. About a week ago, she starts hitting me and clawing me and twisting my crotch, leaving bruises, cuts, and welts. I grabbed her arm to make her stop, but in anger, I grabbed her too hard and left bruises. I went with her to counseling and signed up for anger management, because I want to fix MY issues. I never told anyone about my own bruises because I need to fix ME.


Definitely, but it's not your anger issues that need to be fixed. It's your codependency, preventing you from leaving your abuser and making you to blame only yourself for your wife's behavior.

Abusers tend to escalate, so if you stay, expect more often and more violent attacks and be prepared that it might be you who ends up in jail, falsely accused by your wife.

The bottom line: what she does to you is unacceptable. She hurts you physically and mentally and she manipulates you. It won't get better, only worse. It's not worth of your sacrifices. 
Divorce, but prepare your exit carefully. Abusers hate when their victims leave.


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## Myself_ (Jan 15, 2016)

Violence against anyone is wrong. Violence against your partener is awful. There can be no excuses for domestic violence. Even if the victimizer is a woman. Here is an idea. Why don't you stay away from eatch other for a while? Something like an experiment. If she doesn't calm down it means that her behavior was not something optional but it will remain permanent. People resolve their arguments with talking not violence. So, either you will remain with << Rocky Balboa >> as your wife and you will continue hitting each other or you will have to talk with her. Seriously, hitting her back is not a good idea and it doesn't change anything. Dude. Divorce her but DO NOT hit her man. Uh.


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## NewBoundariesMan (Aug 3, 2015)

@Sc94 our stories are very similar. My wife lifts weights and is exceptional strong for a woman! Honestly if i did not lift weights regularly and weigh 100lbs more than her she might be able to beat me up. But what I'm really afraid of is losing control during one of her attacks. that would be game over: jail time, criminal record, I would lose my job, etc.

As much as I care about my wife no one is worth jail time. Read some of my posts to see were I'm coming from:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ife-came-home-drunk-again-3.html#post16077649

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...es-wife-physically-attacks-when-drinking.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/financial-problems-marriage/324617-feeling-financially-used-wife.html

Also check out this site it deals with this type of woman. I read an article every day:
Index


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## BlueandBlond (Jun 20, 2016)

You are in an abusive relationship and you need to get out. When your wife starts to hit, push, or punch you....you leave the house or as mentioned, call the cops. But don't touch her. She needs help. She may have depression and anxiety problems (I actually do too) but I don't do any of this to my husband. Never have! She is an abuser.

I was in a relationship with a boyfriend for 5 years who mentally and physically abused me. I couldn't leave just like you. In my case, the cops wouldn't help me. Then one day came where I had my "breaking point" as I call it. I never went back and that day I had no where to go and stayed in my car. He had isolated me from friends and family but I got the nerve to ask for help and my friends were glad to support me. That was the only time I went back to him again was with my friends to get my stuff. I was in counselling for a year. During that year, he stalked and harassed me. Again, the cops did nothing.

You need to leave. The fact is she will always abuse you because you let her even if you both get the help you need and stay together. It is toxic! I hope there are no kids involved. I went to therapy while I was with him and he noticed how much stronger I was getting and he began to realize that and the abuse actually got worse. But because I was stronger as a person, I got out. You can do this too. I thought I loved him but it wasn't the case. I was just being caught up and being controlled.

Good luck! Be strong!


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## camerashy (May 29, 2016)

OP, you need to remove yourself from the equation that much is for certain. Yes, your W if abusive, and she is deliberately trying to get a rise out of you at the same time. Unfortunately, that is just how abusive people behave...if they are miserable everyone else around them has to be miserable as well. She is plainly using your retaliation/blocking attempts to get some sort of sympathy or attention. And in the end, if you are not very careful, you are the one that is going to get in trouble. She has evidence of physical abuse, you do not. You need to talk to someone about what has been going on - a friend, family member, professional. Someone who could back up your story if need be. You don't want to end up with assault charges if your W decides to go that route. 

But most of all, you need to get out. Even if it's just temporarily while your W engages in some professional help for her issues. Break the cycle now.


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