# Could use some advice, please



## lostsoul568 (May 1, 2011)

Hello everyone,
It has been a while since I have posted anything on here, but things are not much different from the last time I posted (as far as our marriage). 
Since May, my husband and I have been attending marriage counseling. We have tried to make things work. I can say I have put as much as I am able to put into it-with results that did not come. Therefor, I have decided that I am going to get out. I hate the fact that I am going to just add to the appalling statistic of the divorce rate, but I just know in my heart that we have grown up & apart over the past few years and I was too in denial to realize it before we got married.
So here is my problem. He is content with our marriage and doesn't realize that I am ready to be out. This is because we have not been fighting very much over the past few months, because I am going to school full-time and he is working a lot, so we aren't seeing each other enough to fight. 
Anyway- For the ones that chose to leave or the ones that have been left, what is the best way? The least painful way? I know no matter what, it is going to hurt us both deeply, but I know it is going to hurt him more. I'm just not sure how to tell him I want out...


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## RandomGuy155 (Jan 30, 2012)

If I understand you correctly, you've been trying to work on your marriage while very rarely seeing one another. 

Am I the only one seeing a huge contradiction here? If you don't see each other enough to fight, how can you see each other enough to work on your marriage?


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## Ms_Limbo (Feb 2, 2012)

RandomGuy155 said:


> If I understand you correctly, you've been trying to work on your marriage while very rarely seeing one another.
> 
> Am I the only one seeing a huge contradiction here? If you don't see each other enough to fight, how can you see each other enough to work on your marriage?


:iagree: I'm not saying that you are not making an effort... but it does seem that you haven't done all that you can. Have you tried to do dates? Something that would actually require you and him to have one on one interaction (outside of the counseling sessions)? Something to do that would actually bring about a spark in the two of you. If the only thing you two do is go to sessions where it is always talking about the two of you having issues then of course it may seem like nothing is happening. 
I may be a little biased... I'm against divorce and currently going through a trial separation with my husband. I was content and thought nothing was wrong when out of the blue he told me that he didnt know how he felt anymore. I'm always going to urge you do whatever it takes to make it work, unless of course there is physical or emotional abuse going on.


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## CSeryllum (Jan 23, 2012)

My wife left me. She started having an emotion affair and instead of telling me everything...she gave me the "I love you, but i'm not in love with" line.

THAT LINE IS A DEATH SENTENCE. DON'T SAY IT LIKE THAT!

I had to discover my wife was lying, and that hurt even more..


BEST thing you can do, sit him down, be calm, be sincere...tell him the ABSOLUTE truth, but in a polite way. He will not like hearing it, it will crush him regardless....but the lesser of two evils is still the best choice.


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

CSeryllum said:


> BEST thing you can do, sit him down, be calm, be sincere...tell him the ABSOLUTE truth, but in a polite way. He will not like hearing it, it will crush him regardless....but the lesser of two evils is still the best choice.


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

Any way you slice it, it's going to be devastating for him. Don't beat around the bush. My stbxw says she is still unsure even though she moved out this week and her actions have spoken louder than words.

My dad told me something that it only making sense now... better to suffer one deep cut than a thousand little ones.

Of course I hope you can save your marriage - that would be the best outcome. But if you're sure you are leaving, be calm, no drama, tell him what you have to and allow him time to heal.


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## lostsoul568 (May 1, 2011)

Well, an update... 
It al blew up in my face. 
He got onto my laptop while I was not home and saw emails between a rental agent and myself regarding finding.myself a place. He also saw facebook messages between myself and another stating that I was looking into a divorce. 
We walked into counseling, he had the above printed out. He started throwing the papers at me, extremely upset. All I did was freeze up. That was yesterday, we have not seen each other since that session. 
This all went completely wrong. And now I feel like i don't know what to do or.how to handle it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

well you started planning your exit without being sincere with your husband. This is the consequence. face it now

its important to be honest and fully transparent. you were neither.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## atomk12 (Feb 2, 2012)

Don't feel bad. There is no way to break this type of information to a man. I am a man 39 years old. I had a feeling my wife was seeing someone and was preparing myself emotionally for it. When I found out, it hurt more than I thought. Nothing can prepare anyone for this. For a man, the thought that you are not enough for your wife is devastating. You feel like a failure, wonder what you did not provide, etc. There is no way you could have done this without it blowing up in your face. If you want to ease out without major problems, try not to tell him over and over why you are leaving, do not mention your plans, even though it seems like the right thing to do. This will only make it worse. Just tell him how you feel and why you are leaving. He will understand at some point. Do not see someone right away if you can help it. If your husband knew this it would hurt more. You will feel guilt and alone, but the worse thing is to cover this up with the company of someone else. The next person has no idea what you are coming into the relationship with. Give yourself a lot of time to become mentally strong again so that you will be able to offer the next relationship a chance. Hope this makes sense, Im going through a separation from a cheater and all I have is my 9 year old daughter to show for it.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Good luck. Everything happens for a reason. I'm assuming he thought something was up in order to go through your computer email and social networking sites. I'm sure he's very hurt at the moment of the findings. You took too long to talk to him, but you do sound very busy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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