# Help, wife kissed another man



## nirvanaozzy

So, when my wife was in las vegas she kissed another guy. The guy she texted hundreds of times on the way home. I found out because HE emailed me and admitted it. That was all they did. I confronted her and she admitted. Said she had drank a lot but wasn't drunk. She isn't blaming it on that. She said it was a huge mistake that she regrets dearly. I want to forgive her. How do I get over this and how do WE get over this and move on happily? Please help.


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## AlexNY

See "dominant male" threads throughout these forums:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-t...-20-plus-years-very-happy-husband-writes.html

It is pretty clear what leads to this kind of thing.

A woman's head looks for loyalty, kindness, generosity, dedication, understanding, connection, predictability and so forth.

Another part of her anatomy looks for dominance, confidence, strength, success, ambition, mystery and so forth.

Guess which one is usually the problem?

You appear to have "nice guy syndrome." You buried the dragon inside you under a blanket of politically correct rubbish. Let loose the beast and enjoy your wife's affection again.

Good luck.


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## Mal74

Well, Alex may be right, or not. It's hard to say. I think women do respond to that aspect of a man that can take charge, lead the way, and provide. That said, women do not respond to being subjugated or demeaned so there is a distinction you must understand in being "dominant" in the sense of having control over yourself and your situation, and being "domineering" in the sense of simply thinking that dominance is telling other people what they can and cannot do.

The other piece - and more important piece from my perspective - is that Vegas is a place that just begs for people to lose control. Every time I have gone to Vegas I have been so impossibly horny that all I want to do is have the dirtiest, most unspeakably raunchy sex ALL THE TIME. That is one reason why I would prefer not to go without my H - not because I would act on the impulse, but because I would LIKE to act on the impulse which means I want him to be there to act on it with me!

So, that's not to excuse your wife's behavior at all, but I think maybe this is an occasion where you have to say to yourself, "I'm going to let this go and put it in the category of 'everybody does stupid stuff sometimes.'" It seems to me like your wife has real remorse over this. In that case I encourage you to forgive her, and move on with your life.

I would also suggest that as a part of that forgiveness process, you insist that your wife do some real work to understand and enforce appropriate boundaries in her life. People who work together form bonds. There's nothing wrong with that. But your wife must recognize that getting inappropriately involved with co-workers is a real violation of marriage. You can be "dominant" (that is, a leader) in this area by helping her to do this work on herself, and by demonstrating your own accountability in this arena as well.


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## cntrywrtr

Have you tried counselling?? Idk if it would help, but it's worth a shot. I personally consider even a romantic hug being unfaithful and a kiss is worse. I really don't think I would forgive my husband, but if you can then counselling will probably help you. They can help you to tell her how you feel about it and why your upset and help you realize emotions even you don't know you have.


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## sunflower

well its just a kiss I dont think that its anything to worry about. I mean a kiss really is a kiss if it was sex then....


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## scarletblue

I read your other posts. Let me say that I sincerely hope that maybe this kiss was wake-up call for your wife to realize what she was risking. Hopefully, things have changed and improved in your relationship.

Let me say, from a married woman's point of view.....going out with the girls is one thing...dancing with strange men is a BIG NO NO! Even if you have the most trusting, perfect marriage, it gives the wrong impression to those men and is disrespectful to your husband. The only exception to this is if it is a guy that the wife and husband have both put on the "safe list".

The other thing I find troubling is the amount of texts on the way home. I'm trying to imagine what I would be thinking/doing if I had kissed a man and was ashamed and regretting it. I sure as heck wouldn't text him a hundred times and add him to my facebook. I'd text him once and tell him to leave me alone and then block his number. In fact, maybe I'd just block the number with out texting.

You said she was acting depressed after she got home and he is the one who emailed you and told you. That is just kind of odd.

I'm sorry, I'm not trying to upset you, really I'm not. I'm a romantic and always think there is hope. If your wife's behavior has improved and you two are working together on strengthening your marriage, then I think that's terrific! If her behavior hasn't changed or she's becoming secretive about her email or facebook, then you still have work to do. 

I think some long, deep discussions are in need here to help you get over this. Also some time spent really enjoying each other's company.


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## okeydokie

sunflower said:


> well its just a kiss I dont think that its anything to worry about. I mean a kiss really is a kiss if it was sex then....


:scratchhead:

i wouldn't appreciate it if my wife kissed another man, not at all. that would be all she wrote


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## nirvanaozzy

Thank you Scarlett for your words. That really helps hearing from another married woman that there is still hope. I trust my wife, she said it was a giant mistake, she felt nothing, and wants to do anything and everything to work it out. My biggest problem is just trying not to think about it. I clear my head and that is the only thing I keep thinking about.


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## scarletblue

Time and new memories will push those thoughts to the back of your mind.


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## sunflower

okeydokie said:


> :scratchhead:
> 
> i wouldn't appreciate it if my wife kissed another man, not at all. that would be all she wrote


Well then I really feel sorry for you. I used to think that way to but until you are in a situation of losing someone over something that happend in error HUMAN ERROR. Then maybe you shouldnt be with her to begin with. Life is about forgiving and Marriage isnt easy. All I am saying is obviously a issue is present and it should be talked about. Its not sex its not love it was a faulty. it should NEVER happen again. and it hurts. BAD. but divorce NO try to figure what happend to see if they are happy and want to work. its a kissssssssssssss come on.


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## sunflower

scarletblue said:


> I read your other posts. Let me say that I sincerely hope that maybe this kiss was wake-up call for your wife to realize what she was risking. Hopefully, things have changed and improved in your relationship.
> 
> Let me say, from a married woman's point of view.....going out with the girls is one thing...dancing with strange men is a BIG NO NO! Even if you have the most trusting, perfect marriage, it gives the wrong impression to those men and is disrespectful to your husband. The only exception to this is if it is a guy that the wife and husband have both put on the "safe list".
> 
> The other thing I find troubling is the amount of texts on the way home. I'm trying to imagine what I would be thinking/doing if I had kissed a man and was ashamed and regretting it. I sure as heck wouldn't text him a hundred times and add him to my facebook. I'd text him once and tell him to leave me alone and then block his number. In fact, maybe I'd just block the number with out texting.
> 
> You said she was acting depressed after she got home and he is the one who emailed you and told you. That is just kind of odd.
> 
> I'm sorry, I'm not trying to upset you, really I'm not. I'm a romantic and always think there is hope. If your wife's behavior has improved and you two are working together on strengthening your marriage, then I think that's terrific! If her behavior hasn't changed or she's becoming secretive about her email or facebook, then you still have work to do.
> 
> I think some long, deep discussions are in need here to help you get over this. Also some time spent really enjoying each other's company.




I agree she should cut contact with him. I was in his situation with a very good friend of mine and it was horrible. But nothing to divorce over talk it out please. TALK IT OUT. it could be a number of things she is scared or doesnt want things sour who knows until you talk.


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## okeydokie

sunflower said:


> Well then I really feel sorry for you. I used to think that way to but until you are in a situation of losing someone over something that happend in error HUMAN ERROR. Then maybe you shouldnt be with her to begin with. Life is about forgiving and Marriage isnt easy. All I am saying is obviously a issue is present and it should be talked about. Its not sex its not love it was a faulty. it should NEVER happen again. and it hurts. BAD. but divorce NO try to figure what happend to see if they are happy and want to work. its a kissssssssssssss come on.


dont feel sorry for me. a committed married person does not go out a kiss another person. are you ok with your spouse having online EAs?
100s of texts accompanied this error, so was it really error?


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## sunflower

okeydokie said:


> dont feel sorry for me. a committed married person does not go out a kiss another person. are you ok with your spouse having online EAs?
> 100s of texts accompanied this error, so was it really error?


You dont have any clue really what that spouse is feeling? and thats what I am saying and dont play like you have never EVEN THOUGHT ABOUT IT! LIES


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## okeydokie

sunflower said:


> You dont have any clue really what that spouse is feeling? and thats what I am saying and dont play like you have never EVEN THOUGHT ABOUT IT! LIES


i'm not going to carry on with you. you think it is ok or no big deal, i think its completely wrong


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## sunflower

okeydokie said:


> i'm not going to carry on with you. you think it is ok or no big deal, i think its completely wrong





Are you kidding me I think that its far from ok. I think its wrong also. BUT when you love someone its not so easy to say peace I am out.


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## turnera

nirvanaozzy said:


> So, when my wife was in las vegas she kissed another guy. The guy she texted hundreds of times on the way home. I found out because HE emailed me and admitted it. That was all they did. I confronted her and she admitted. Said she had drank a lot but wasn't drunk. She isn't blaming it on that. She said it was a huge mistake that she regrets dearly. I want to forgive her. How do I get over this and how do WE get over this and move on happily? Please help.


 Did she call him in front of you and promise never to contact him again? Is she giving you access to her phone and computer passwords? Then you'll probably be fine.

But I agree, this is YOUR chance to take a good look at your marriage and see what you are not providing. Sounds like admiration, excitement, arousal, things like that are what she is craving. How can YOU be the one to provide it?


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## nirvanaozzy

Thank you. We had several long and emotional talks about this. We spent a fun weekend together. WE can and definitely will work this out. The guy is out of the picture, all communication ties are cut. Thanks everyone for there help. The hardest thing I am coping with now is just trying to not think about it. Will come in time I assume. THANKS SO MUCH


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## sunflower

What is it that you are thinking of thats so hard for you? is it the kiss or her conection with the man?


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## swedish

nirvanaozzy said:


> The hardest thing I am coping with now is just trying to not think about it. Will come in time I assume. THANKS SO MUCH


Yes it will. Time does wonders, especially when you are moving in a positive direction with your spouse!


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## nirvanaozzy

I think of both, it is driving me crazy. I put together the scenario in my head and replay it over and over again. I can't stop thinking about it. Them kissing. Everything. How can I block this out of my thoughts!! Time??? Is that the only thing that will heal this? I hope it doesn't take too long. It makes me so sad


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