# Advises on Compromising on Time



## chrisl86 (Mar 24, 2016)

Hi My Name is Chris, I'm 28 years old I just got newly wed about 2 months ago to my wife in the Philippines. We've been together for 3 years and like the currently its like a Long Distance Relationship. We made it work cause were committed to talking to each other everyday through viber, skype, facebook messenger, facetime and I've flew down to the Philippines to visit her 3 times. The 3rd time was when we tied the knot. As of this moment her sponsorship papers are currently under processing through the Canadian immigration. Lately we've been having issues about time difference and not having time at all for each other. My wife is complaining that I've changed due to having no time at all for her. But I keep telling her I'm trying my best to balance and adjust for the time. Everyday I set my alarm clock to 5:00 am to wake up for our scheduled time to talk. She feels it's not enough cause she also needs to understand that I have a full time job and I need to work for our future. I also play basketball on my spare time because that is my hobby that I love to do. Lately she's been questioning my priorities stating to me that my priorities are Basketball , Work and she is the last on my list. Well that isn't true. Last night she gave me an ultimatum. She said to choose either basketball or me? I said I chose her and then all of a sudden she told me to quit playing basketball altogether cause I'll be joining a league starting April 1st. I told her that it isn't fair and she told me that I need to adjust to her time and she feels that I don't have quality time for her due to the time difference from Canada and in the Philippines. When I told her why do i need to quit altogether? She questions me saying "Are you 2 years old?" I was pretty choked when i heard that from her. I didnt bother to reply to her. She even asked "you can't decide on your own?" She questions me saying " Do you need a family member/friend to help you decide?" She went on saying "Why did you get married in the first place if you can't decide on your own?" Cause she wants my decision from her ultimatum of me to choose between basketball or her? I never replied back to any of her messages or phone calls cause I don't want to make things worse and I feel like shes being controlling and that she's being selfish taking away what I love to do and my social life when I play basketball cause how often do I ever see my friends? If I lose my social life, I lose my friends. I'm staying calm about this situation,I obviously do love my wife but this has gotten out of hand. I just want to hear any of your guys' opinion and advises to see if you can help me out.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I'm sorry to break it to you, but marriage is kind of an in-person type of relationship. Because of circumstances you have to be apart, which makes you somewhat less than married for real. She wants to have more face time, and if you're truly committed to being married you'll do whatever it takes.


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## chrisl86 (Mar 24, 2016)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I'm sorry to break it to you, but marriage is kind of an in-person type of relationship. Because of circumstances you have to be apart, which makes you somewhat less than married for real. She wants to have more face time, and if you're truly committed to being married you'll do whatever it takes.


i understand that but I have a life here in Canada. Ill do whatever it takes but I'm not giving up my hobby of what I love to do. My wife needs to understand and be supportive.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

You have a life there in Canada, which doesn't include your wife. Why did you get married anyway?


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## chrisl86 (Mar 24, 2016)

WorkingOnMe said:


> You have a life there in Canada, which doesn't include your wife. Why did you get married anyway?


It does include my wife, she needs to understand the time difference and everything. I got married because I saw traits in my wife that she's loving, supportive, and understanding but now things are changing. So don't be questioning me why I got married? My wife needs to be patient, have faith and understanding that everything will fall into place. Her papers are under processing in immigration. You know I'm not working hard at my full time job just for myself. I'm working for us, for our future. Well its tough that our situation is like this. Obviously I'm not proud of leaving her behind in the Philippines and how I wish she could be with me here already in Canada. So please understand the situation.


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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

I just checked my world clock. Right now it's 12:45 PM in Vancouver while it's 3:45 AM in Manila. That's tough. Do you know how long the immigration stuff will take? How often do you talk in a week?


Signature: Nobody can hurt me without my permission.


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## chrisl86 (Mar 24, 2016)

spinsterdurga said:


> I just checked my world clock. Right now it's 12:45 PM in Vancouver while it's 3:45 AM in Manila. That's tough. Do you know how long the immigration stuff will take? How often do you talk in a week?
> 
> 
> Signature: Nobody can hurt me without my permission.


The immigration stuff will take 6 to 9 months. The application started processing on December 30,2015. We talk everyday.


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## Annie123 (Apr 27, 2015)

I've been there, in a long distance relationship so I understand the pain and frustration of being apart etc. However, giving you ultimatums and treating you the way she did is not a good sign. If she can't understand that this setting is only temporary and that you can't stop living your life and put everything else on hold just so you could talk to her, then too bad. Does that mean that you won't be able to play basketball or have friends once she's with you in Canada? 

She's being unreasonable and, unfortunately, at this point you can't even know if this behavior is 'normal' for her as you don't really know her. How much time did the two of you spent together in person?


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## Celes (Apr 28, 2015)

This marriage is a disaster in the making. My advice is to get an annulment and find someone local. You are young, why the rush to get married to someone you barely know? You've only seen her in person 3 times. I can guarantee she's been on her best behavior the whole time and you're only starting to see the negative side of her. There will be much more to come.


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## Annie123 (Apr 27, 2015)

Celes said:


> This marriage is a disaster in the making. My advice is to get an annulment and find someone local. You are young, why the rush to get married to someone you barely know? You've only seen her in person 3 times.* I can guarantee she's been on her best behavior the whole time* and you're only starting to see the negative side of her. There will be much more to come.


I think it's called the vacation version, having fun, relaxed, with no worries etc. What happens when life problems strike? You (OP) don't even know what will happen when reality kicks in. I sure didn't know


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

chrisl86 said:


> i understand that but I have a life here in Canada. Ill do whatever it takes but I'm not giving up my hobby of what I love to do. My wife needs to understand and be supportive.


She is not having her needs fulfilled. As a result, other parts of your life are receiving blame. She isn't a bad person, it is just the response from feeling victimized. Time is something you'll need to give to her, especially when she is with you in person.

Don't focus on the distractions. Focus on spending time with her.


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## chrisl86 (Mar 24, 2016)

Annie123 said:


> I've been there, in a long distance relationship so I understand the pain and frustration of being apart etc. However, giving you ultimatums and treating you the way she did is not a good sign. If she can't understand that this setting is only temporary and that you can't stop living your life and put everything else on hold just so you could talk to her, then too bad. Does that mean that you won't be able to play basketball or have friends once she's with you in Canada?
> 
> She's being unreasonable and, unfortunately, at this point you can't even know if this behavior is 'normal' for her as you don't really know her. How much time did the two of you spent together in person?


Well the i spent together person is first visit was for 1 month from January 2014 then we waited over a year till we were together again in June 2015 and thats when we got civilly wed and then my last visit that we spent time together was just this year in January 2016 thats when we had a big wedding at the church and celebrated with all our friends and family. When I was with her in person we never had an big arguments or quarrels. It was just being happy, enjoying each other. Yeah I admit its not a lot of time spent together, but during the times were apart we stayed true and committed together and assured our love for each other.


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## chrisl86 (Mar 24, 2016)

Relationship Teacher said:


> She is not having her needs fulfilled. As a result, other parts of your life are receiving blame. She isn't a bad person, it is just the response from feeling victimized. Time is something you'll need to give to her, especially when she is with you in person.
> 
> Don't focus on the distractions. Focus on spending time with her.


Well that is why I'm doing my best to workout a time that is best suited around our schedules. Of course I'll be giving my time to my wife when she's with me in person.


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## Annie123 (Apr 27, 2015)

chrisl86 said:


> Well the i spent together person is first visit was for 1 month from January 2014 then we waited over a year till we were together again in June 2015 and thats when we got civilly wed and then my last visit that we spent time together was just this year in January 2016 thats when we had a big wedding at the church and celebrated with all our friends and family. When I was with her in person we never had an big arguments or quarrels. It was just being happy, enjoying each other. Yeah I admit its not a lot of time spent together, but during the times were apart we stayed true and committed together and assured our love for each other.


Unfortunately, due to your circumstances, the time you two spent together was only vacationing. No tough life situation, no problems, just being happy and bubbly. 
She might be the most wonderful person on Earth but the way she's treating you is bad, her way of thinking is wrong (her thinking that it's ok to demand that you stop playing basketball and stop socializing). She's a bad communicator. You can discuss things without having to offend your partner. 

I can't tell you what to do: all I can say is that this is the preview of what your future might look like. It's up to you to decide whether her behavior is acceptable or not. 
Don't ignore the red flags, address them.


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## chrisl86 (Mar 24, 2016)

Annie123 said:


> Unfortunately, due to your circumstances, the time you two spent together was only vacationing. No tough life situation, no problems, just being happy and bubbly.
> She might be the most wonderful person on Earth but the way she's treating you is bad, her way of thinking is wrong (her thinking that it's ok to demand that you stop playing basketball and stop socializing). She's a bad communicator. You can discuss things without having to offend your partner.
> 
> I can't tell you what to do: all I can say is that this is the preview of what your future might look like. It's up to you to decide whether her behavior is acceptable or not.
> Don't ignore the red flags, address them.


ok well thanks. I'll be sure to talk it out with my wife and lay it down that this behavior of hers will not and cannot be tolerated. But thanks for the advise.


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## chrisl86 (Mar 24, 2016)

Celes said:


> This marriage is a disaster in the making. My advice is to get an annulment and find someone local. You are young, why the rush to get married to someone you barely know? You've only seen her in person 3 times. I can guarantee she's been on her best behavior the whole time and you're only starting to see the negative side of her. There will be much more to come.


You are entitled to your own opinion but annulment and seperation is the last resort on my mind. On my mind is to fix the marriage and relationship. I understand there will always be challenges and I accept these challenges and I'll fight till the very end.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

You are in for a lifetime of absolute misery if you accept someone speaking to you like this, so early on, especially. There are so many people who think they own a person once they marry...she's that kind. Hope you don't settle for this behavior.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

chrisl86 said:


> i understand that but I have a life here in Canada. Ill do whatever it takes but I'm not giving up my hobby of what I love to do. My wife needs to understand and be supportive.


Agree. And, it won't end here. If you 'give up' basketball, it will be something else. Until you are practically isolated from anything and anyone else that you enjoy other than her. There's nothing flattering about being with a controlling person - it might seem flattering at first...oh wow, this person wants me all to herself. But, it gets incredibly old when the person is never satisfied and just keeps robbing you of more things that make you...uniquely you. Please be careful, good luck on this.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

This story reminds me of a thread back in January.

OP you married in the Philippines, right? Some of the other posters in the thread I linked claimed it can be quite difficult to get a divorce if you married there.

I'm curious, how did you meet her?


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## chrisl86 (Mar 24, 2016)

Kivlor said:


> This story reminds me of a thread back in January.
> 
> OP you married in the Philippines, right? Some of the other posters in the thread I linked claimed it can be quite difficult to get a divorce if you married there.
> 
> I'm curious, how did you meet her?


we met through a mutual friend


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## chrisl86 (Mar 24, 2016)

*Deidre* said:


> Agree. And, it won't end here. If you 'give up' basketball, it will be something else. Until you are practically isolated from anything and anyone else that you enjoy other than her. There's nothing flattering about being with a controlling person - it might seem flattering at first...oh wow, this person wants me all to herself. But, it gets incredibly old when the person is never satisfied and just keeps robbing you of more things that make you...uniquely you. Please be careful, good luck on this.


thanks for the advise and ill be careful and ill pray and hope everything will be fine


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

chrisl86 said:


> Well that is why I'm doing my best to workout a time that is best suited around our schedules. Of course I'll be giving my time to my wife when she's with me in person.


That's fine. We all have hobbies and things that make us strong individuals. Relationships are characteristic of two individuals and they fail when that identity is threatened or is lost. Again, stay on target and just see that she is acting out of pain.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

I've heard Philippine girls are very loyal. Have a good friend that is doing the LDR with one who is 18 years younger than him. He's putting her through school and is going to marry her after she graduates. But he's a Filipino himself. I don't get it, never will, but some people must think they can't find a girl near them that they can see daily. 

Definitely don't give up basketball. Time to be the alpha male here. If she breaks it off, then move on. You don't have much time invested, just a lot of money with the trips. No big deal.


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## Celes (Apr 28, 2015)

GuyInColorado said:


> I've heard Philippine girls are very loyal. Have a good friend that is doing the LDR with one who is 18 years younger than him. He's putting her through school and is going to marry her after she graduates. But he's a Filipino himself. I don't get it, never will, but some people must think they can't find a girl near them that they can see daily.
> 
> Definitely don't give up basketball. Time to be the alpha male here. If she breaks it off, then move on. You don't have much time invested, just a lot of money with the trips. No big deal.


Interesting. I've heard the opposite. My mother used to take language classes with several other women from the Phillipines. Many of whom married much older men. And many of whom had bfs on the side and complained of a complete lack of attraction to their husbands.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

Celes said:


> Interesting. I've heard the opposite. My mother used to take language classes with several other women from the Phillipines. Many of whom married much older men. And many of whom had bfs on the side and complained of a complete lack of attraction to their husbands.


Same here. I can only go off of the ones I've met (which isn't exactly emblematic of the demographic I hope), but they weren't very loyal, and most of them were crazy.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Interesting... just going by what my Filipino friend told me. He always says the only women that never let him down were Filipino. Ha! 

Maybe they are all crazy, including him! Haha


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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

Seriously, an entire group of people can't be crazy, loyal, cheaters etc... 


Signature: Nobody can hurt me without my permission.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

OP are you Filipino in origin ? Or Pinoy ?

If not, then you need to know that this is just a taste of things to come.

Run man, as fast as you can - get the hell out of there!

Is the mutual friend that introduced you two a Filipina ? If so, run even faster. They have a mission to get Filipinas out of the Philippines as fast as possible - normally be getting married to gullible guys like you!

Danger - Will Robinson - Danger! (Sorry this might be before your time :smile2: )


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## chrisl86 (Mar 24, 2016)

I haven't talked to my wife for 3 days now cause I'm using this time to give each other space and time to think and I also want to make my wife realize what behaviour she is showing and that it will not be tolerated at all. I haven't called or texted her same as what she doing to me. Hasn't called or text me at all. When she's ready, I'm sure we'll talk about the issues and what went wrong.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Well, looks like she wants an independent thinker while at the same time she's trying to dominate you. If she succeeds and you do what she asks she will be appeased in the short term but lose respect for you in the long term.

If you want this to work you will have to be a very strong leader, for the rest of your marriage. At the same time, you will have to juggle her very demanding nature. 

Don't let her walk all over you. Tell her you don't need someone telling you what to do, and that you know exactly what to do. You will call her in the morning at your arranged time, then you will go to work, go to basketball and come home. Don't be wishy-washy and don't be angry. Marriage needs compromise, but you are currently in a power struggle. At those times, for the sake of the marriage, you have to be a rock.


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## chrisl86 (Mar 24, 2016)

breeze said:


> Well, looks like she wants an independent thinker while at the same time she's trying to dominate you. If she succeeds and you do what she asks she will be appeased in the short term but lose respect for you in the long term.
> 
> If you want this to work you will have to be a very strong leader, for the rest of your marriage. At the same time, you will have to juggle her very demanding nature.
> 
> Don't let her walk all over you. Tell her you don't need someone telling you what to do, and that you know exactly what to do. You will call her in the morning at your arranged time, then you will go to work, go to basketball and come home. Don't be wishy-washy and don't be angry. Marriage needs compromise, but you are currently in a power struggle. At those times, for the sake of the marriage, you have to be a rock.


I'm not talking to her or texting her cause I want her to realize my value and importance to her and right now she doesn't and the way she's treating me is bad and I've treated her well after everything that I've done for her and yet I don't feel appreciated by her.


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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

chrisl86 said:


> I'm not talking to her or texting her cause I want her to realize my value and importance to her and right now she doesn't and the way she's treating me is bad and I've treated her well after everything that I've done for her and yet I don't feel appreciated by her.




So you're giving her the silent treatment?


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## chrisl86 (Mar 24, 2016)

spinsterdurga said:


> So you're giving her the silent treatment?


Basically yes I am


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

chrisl86 said:


> Basically yes I am


That's not leadership.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

"The silent treatment is a common way of displaying contempt for another individual while avoiding confrontation about that contempt or without giving the target of the contempt an opportunity to resolve the issue or dispute. The goal is typically to invoke FOGfear, obligation or guilt - in the mind of the target individual."

The Silent Treatment ? Out of the FOG

You want to work on your marriage while behaving like that? Good luck, you'll need it.


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## chrisl86 (Mar 24, 2016)

breeze said:


> "The silent treatment is a common way of displaying contempt for another individual while avoiding confrontation about that contempt or without giving the target of the contempt an opportunity to resolve the issue or dispute. The goal is typically to invoke FOGfear, obligation or guilt - in the mind of the target individual."
> 
> The Silent Treatment ? Out of the FOG
> 
> You want to work on your marriage while behaving like that? Good luck, you'll need it.


Then tell me how I should be leading for ****s sake


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

chrisl86 said:


> Then tell me how I should be leading for ****s sake


Silent treatments and angry outbursts are basically an adults version of sooking and temper tantrums. Unfortunately when they are used in a relationship, it makes your spouse feel like they are dealing with a child. They are ways to manipulate someone into doing what you want them to do. In your case, you want your wife to magically understand how you feel and why and change her behaviour (all without input from you). The above outburst is a way of trying to get someone to tell you what to do because you think it's easier than figuring it out for yourself.

Start researching relationships and conflict resolution. If you don't find the answers for yourself, instead just doing what someone has told you, you won't understand what you are doing or why and you'll fall back into old patterns so fast it would make the whole thing pointless.

Books like, "His Needs, Her Needs" by W. Harley and "Getting the Love You Want" by H. Hendrix are good places to start, imo.


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## chrisl86 (Mar 24, 2016)

breeze said:


> Silent treatments and angry outbursts are basically an adults version of sooking and temper tantrums. Unfortunately when they are used in a relationship, it makes your spouse feel like they are dealing with a child. They are ways to manipulate someone into doing what you want them to do. In your case, you want your wife to magically understand how you feel and why and change her behaviour (all without input from you). The above outburst is a way of trying to get someone to tell you what to do because you think it's easier than figuring it out for yourself.
> 
> Start researching relationships and conflict resolution. If you don't find the answers for yourself, instead just doing what someone has told you, you won't understand what you are doing or why and you'll fall back into old patterns so fast it would make the whole thing pointless.
> 
> Books like, "His Needs, Her Needs" by W. Harley and "Getting the Love You Want" by H. Hendrix are good places to start, imo.


Ok well thanks for the advise..I msged my wife since it's Easter long weekend and greeted her a Happy Easter and told her whenever she's ready well talk and agree to solutions where to fix our issues. Then ended my msg saying that I miss her and still love her even if she's mad and were not on good terms.


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## chrisl86 (Mar 24, 2016)

Well me and my wife are still not talking and tried to msg her and ask her if she's ready to talk but i guess she's not.. I guess I just have to be patient and talk with her when she's ready. Advise that my friends gave me is to keep myself busy and who knows she'll eventually give in. I admit I'm usually the one giving in when problems arise like this. I told her in my message that we can't leave this issue unresolved we need to solve it but I guess she's still upset and not ready to talk to me. Her birthday is this coming Sunday. I'm surprising her getting flowers, chocolates and balloons delivered to her place. I just hope she appreciates it and I even got her younger brother to buy her a cake. I really hope she appreciates my effort even though I'm so far and won't be there for her on her birthday. Any suggestions or advises on what I should are welcome. As far as basketball goes I'm still going to play cause it's a leisure activity that I do every Friday night and its a form of exercise to keep me healthy.


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