# New here need advise



## tlpaitz (Dec 27, 2007)

here i sit at 5:30 in the morning. I can't sleep because I lay in bed crying right next to my husband and he is clueless as he sleeps. 
I am really struggling with our situation. We have been married for 10 1/2 years. All of those years and during our dating years I have been the one to initiate the sex. He did a few times but very few. I should have known something was wrong when on our honeymoon we were in a gorgeous log cabin in the woods overlooking a lake and nothing happened for three days...nothing. I have always thought in my head that things would get better and he would desire me more someday. Well try telling yourself that for 10+years and see if you don't develope a complex. I have had several talks with him about our sexual relationship and things will change for about a week or so. He does look at other women alot in front of me and it never really bothered me until now. See lately, I have given up on initiating(sp) the sex and we really have not been having any. I think a 1 month and 1/2 went by that we did not have any and finally I gave in. Then the other day 12/22/07 I went to use the internet and i saw that he had been searching sex and nudity on 18 years olds and older. He is 40 and I am 38(today). Happy birthday to me right! I confronted him on it and he lied to me and said he didn't do it. Then after I started doing a little more research into the internet log, he confessed and said he was embarrassed and that is why he lied. Sorry, he still lied. We had a huge fight. Biggest one we have ever had. I told him that he has never desired me in our entire relationship but he has no problem looking at other girls. I felt so betrayed. I basically told him that night that I wanted him to leave and that I wanted a divorce. The next day we talked thru a few things and I decided to let him stay. But as everyday goes by I can't stop thinking about how bad he has hurt me and how much I don't trust him because he lied to me. I have the sickening feel in the pit of my stomach. I don't know what to do.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

First thing is you need to repair yourself for you.

Next IF you want to save the marriage i would suggest a therapist and confronting him with the possiblity of a porn addiction.

Third you need to open more communications (rather he does) if this is going to work at all.

In partyou need to decide what is best for YOU. Is it in your best interest to give this another try or are you better off without him and someone that will want you for you?

draconis


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## cadence (Dec 18, 2007)

I totally agree that you need to focus on yourself here..I know its not simple and that even with all the work in the world on yourself you could till feel miserable being with this man...it's true that its is a matter of deciding whether you want to be with him....

I know first hand the effect that exposure to porn can have on SOME men....its everywhere...we live in a society that has become pornified even when I walked down the road yesterday I saw a teen wearing a t -shirt saying 'porn star'. Sure, porn has always been around in some form or another but nowadays its free, easily accessible and anomymous...available at the click of a button.,...
The interesting thing is that the vast majority of this porn only respresents a very narrow view of how females look and behave sexually...It is not uncommon for fat old men to be seen having sex with apparently flawless young women whos bodies have clearly neve been through the effects of pregnancy and childbirth most women have....When men watch this rubbish often enough it distorts their idea and expectations. A recent study has shown that exposure to even 'soft porn' image cause s a man to rate his partner as less attractive. Men are often represented in porn with a wide cross section to appeal to the consumers, however mainstream mags always feature the same type of girl...Of course there is now a lot of non mainstream porn which features women who dont fit the usualy porn criteria.....but when we look at the overwhelming majority of mainstream porn the women have very similar characteristics...Some will say, oh thats because its what appeals to men....but a social scientist will tell you that it is a socially conditioned response...It varies from society to society...For example, in some countries a long neck is considered the epitome of beauty, in others a heavy woman far exceeds a thin one in beauty , for others small feet may be considered ideal....Time is another factor...in the past women who are todays top models would have been laughed at and considered scrawny.. In our western world one can easily see the percieved ideal as represented through media (porn included) the high availablility and increased use of porn is creating probems in many relationships...The upside of this is that there is support...One of the best sites I know is .....

Support Board - Home

maybe it will be helpful to you

Here is quick excerpt from the study from McMaster University:

The first involved showing photographs of opposite-sex underwear models, which the 87 male and 66 female study participants pre-determined to be attractive. The researchers also showed the participants photographs of abstract art. 

Following the photograph presentations, the test subjects rated their current partners on 17 attributes that included things like physical attractiveness, intelligence, warmth and desirability. If single, the participants were asked to rate images of strangers. 

Mathematical computer analysis of the results found that men who viewed the model images nearly always rated their mates lower than men who viewed the abstract art. 

Single male test subjects likewise tended to rate other women lower after they had seen the sexy images.

The women participants, however, were unaffected by the photos.'

Is it possible your husband has conditioned himself to only find the typical porn type attractive? If so, that it HIS problem...it is now up to you to decide whether this is the sort of man you want!


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## SageMother (Jun 28, 2007)

There is something you said that is interesting..
he looks.

Could it be that what he sees doesn't translate into a physical reaction? There are people who are relatively a-sexual but look because it is interesting, but what they see doesn't create a sexual connection.

Do you think this might be what is going on?


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## 3plus3 (Nov 1, 2007)

I feel for you. I second the work on yourself. Get your self esteem back up and in the right place, then it will come to you as to what you want to do.


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