# Relationship Infidelity and Coping



## markmc01 (Mar 27, 2012)

I am new to this is and have just registered. I read a couple of posts now, and everyone seems to have this hip acronym language that I am not going to learn just to make a post.

So recently my wife told me that she cheated on me. Actually she told me she had a sexual encounter, but that she does not consider it cheating at all. According to her story she was feeling depressed about the marriage, and while at work was propositioned by another man to hang out at his place after work.

When work ended she called me and told me she was going to hang out with some of her fellow girlfriends at the bar (which I remember getting and okaying). In reality she went to this mans house. While there she striped to her undergarments and then at the offer of $20 measly dollars she gave him oral sex w/condom.

According to her she didn't enjoy it and only did it so that she could leave and that is why she accepted the money. To make matters worse this occurred two years ago, and is only now being revealed to me.

Since this revelation she claims that she wants to make everything work out, but that she didn't really consider oral sex cheating so I should not feel bad. But I do. She wants to give up offers to satisfy me or to make things even, like telling me to get oral sex from another woman, or to allow herself to be degraded. I have denied her offer. 

At this point I am teetering on the line of divorce, but with four children to boot, and a financial out-look that is not entirely stable, I am conflicted as to what to do. So I come her to ask for any advice. I will answer any questions that may rise, and consider all opinions. Thank you.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Doesn't her story sound a little fishy to you? Sounds fishy to me.

Yeah it was cheating, and she knows it or she would have told you two years ago.

If she admits it was once, it was Likely many times. It she admits to oral, it was full on.

The fact that she got fully undressed tells you she intended to go all the way and likely did.

Instead of having a revenge affair, inform her you are going to take her to del with this and drive her without warning to a scheduled polygraph session.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Dang. $20 for a BJ?

Oy. What do you want? Do you want to stay married or not?

Figure that out first.


----------



## markmc01 (Mar 27, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Dang. $20 for a BJ?
> 
> Oy. What do you want? Do you want to stay married or not?
> 
> Figure that out first.


What about my line in "At this point I am teetering on the line of divorce, but with four children to boot, and a financial out-look that is not entirely stable, I am conflicted as to what to do.", did you miss? It's not always as easy as just getting a divorce and moving on.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yes I did miss it. Sorry. I breezed through. 

Ok well......if you want to work on things with her she needs to be completely transparent and honest with you from here on out. Anything you ask, she should be willing to share (time accountability/whereabouts/email/facebook/text). 

Put the monkey on her back since she is the one who needs to regain your trust. Sh ehas to do the heavy lifting to restore trust.

Marriage counselling is a great idea.

Tell her what you need from her and don't waiver from that.
Ask her if there is anything you can do to help the marriage./strengthen the marriage.

If you prefer to divorce, file up papers and don't string eachother along.

Best wishes to you either way.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Your wife is a liar and she cheated.

She's also a prostitute and still works with her Jon.

Ew!


----------



## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

She did cheat. No doubt.

As Shaggy said if it was just oral, usually it is a full blown sexual intercourse. If she says it was only once, usually many times over several months.

I have two fundamental questions:

1. How could a man from work offer a co-worker 20 bucks for oral sex?

2. Why is she telling you now?

3. The affairs (even emotional ones) usually get noticed by the BS. In this case, I dont know how you missed noticing the A.

4. The most intriguing part is she feels it is okay and wants it to be rug swept. Strange she has no remorse.

I am sorry you are here, seeking answers.

You have 4 kids. And you say you are considering D.

It is advisable to get yourself to your doctor. And a lawyer. Get yourself tested for STD. Separate your finances.


----------



## markmc01 (Mar 27, 2012)

AngryandUsed said:


> I have two fundamental questions:
> 
> 1. How could a man from work offer a co-worker 20 bucks for oral sex?
> 
> 2. Why is she telling you now?


The man was not a co-worker, he was just a customer that chatted her up and offered her to come over after work. The $20 deal arose because she claims she wanted to back out and leave but felt "scared" or whatever, and then he offered her the money for at least the oral. 

Why is she is telling me this now? Guilt apparently. She claims it was a mistake, but doesn't think its a divorce-able action.

I did have a feeling this occurred but prior to this she has always been faithful as far as I could tell, so I guess I ignored it.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

markmc01 said:


> The man was not a co-worker, he was just a customer that chatted her up and offered her to come over after work. The $20 deal arose because she claims she wanted to back out and leave but felt "scared" or whatever, and then he offered her the money for at least the oral.
> 
> Why is she is telling me this now? Guilt apparently. She claims it was a mistake, but *doesn't think its a divorce-able action.*.



She may not. But you may.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Whoah! I'll have to wait till I get home do I can comment on this properly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

markmc01 said:


> The man was not a co-worker, he was just a customer that chatted her up and offered her to come over after work. The $20 deal arose because she claims she wanted to back out and leave but felt "scared" or whatever, and then he offered her the money for at least the oral.
> 
> Why is she is telling me this now? Guilt apparently. She claims it was a mistake, but doesn't think its a divorce-able action.
> 
> I did have a feeling this occurred but prior to this she has always been faithful as far as I could tell, so I guess I ignored it.


Inconceivable that a customer takes a woman for sex. Did she go unwillingly there?


----------



## markmc01 (Mar 27, 2012)

AngryandUsed said:


> Inconceivable that a customer takes a woman for sex. Did she go unwillingly there?


No she drove there of her own accord.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Right. Something is up with her story. It doesn't sound right.


----------



## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Pretty bad. She is a cheater. You need to dig deep.
If she was feeling guilty and disclosed the OES (was it?), how is it that she wants you to rug sweep?
She does not respect the marriage. Why, she wants you to have oral with some other woman.
Quit.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Go get yourself and your wife tested for STDs (sexually transmitted diseases) immediately. Just because it happened 2 years ago doesn't mean she wasn't infected and could have infected you in turn. STDs can lay dormant for years before they manifest themselves.

I would suggest that you seek legal counsel as to what your options are. Your State may allow for post-nuptial agreements and if so you may want to look further into getting one to protect yourself just in case you or your wife decide to part company.

Your wife is trying to rug sweep what she did which was indeed cheating. I also agree with the others that it is doubtful that she only had oral sex with the OM, especially since it is most likely that he would have insisted in wanting full sexual intercourse afterwards. 

Cheating spouses seldom tell the whole truth the first time the betrayed spouse is told, or finds out, about an affair. You may want to consider asking your wife if she is willing to submit herself to a polygraph examination. Often times the thought of taking a poly exam is enough for many cheating spouses to come totally clean about ALL the details about their affair. So it is something you should give serious thought to.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Holy crap. She doesn't think she cheated?!?!?! Talk about rug sweeping and denying. She's lying through her teeth.

I second the STD testing.

I would also want to find out why she chose this time to confess. Just because she felt guilty?! Uh uh. There's something she's not telling you here.

And you have four kids? I would get testing to make sure they're even yours.

Ultimately it is up to YOU whether you want to divorce, if she doesn't. It is NOT up to her to tell you what's going to happen. Of course she can up and leave and you can't stop her, but that doesn't sound like what's going on.

The ONLY way you and she can make it work is if she owns what she did, and owns up to it. There are a TON of things waywards have GOT to do if they truly want to save their marriage. If she doesn't do them, you can't do it alone.


----------



## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

So I guess in regards to her excuse you must be hoping she hasn't been been feeling depressed about your marriage a lot in the two years since.Now she wants you to be as morally irresponsible as her to put you both on even ground.

Her boundaries are pretty weak or not there at all if she can do that so easily with a customer.The line can be crossed with her by just asking and because of that alone I think you're in for some more hard truths.Sorry for you man.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> Holy crap. She doesn't think she cheated?!?!?!


Nah. She's just saying that. Because if he told her he went to someo woman's house alone and gave her oral sex for $20, you bet your a$$ she would say that is cheating.


----------



## LoveHopeFaith (Mar 27, 2012)

Hello Mark, I'm sorry to hear about what happened to you. I know what it's like to get cheated on. If I were in your shoes I would consider reconcilation with your wife especially since there is four children involved and the finances are not stable. Divorced can be very expensive. Also if it was only a blowjob and a one time thing and if she can be truly repented, I think she deserves a another chance. Were all human and make mistakes. She's the mother of your children I think you owe her at least one more chance.


----------



## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

Man, I'm sorry you're in such a bad spot. Children and finances really make decisions complicated. Her story doesn't sound just a little fishy; it reeks of dead fish. There's more. Her telling you just about the BJ is minimizing the offense to bargain for a lesser penalty. Don't make any decisions until you get the whole truth, if you can.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Want to bet someone was about to expose her fir doing something much worse much longer much more recently and this was her attempt to cover herself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jen1020 (Dec 18, 2011)

Hi Mark

I've had a similar experience to you in a reverse way, my husband got oral sex from a prostitute and paid money for it.

I've heard all the excuses from him such as oral sex doesn't matter as much as full sex etc. It does - it matters alot.

I'm trying to imagine how your wife got herself into this situation. Once she made the bad choice of going to this man's house after work, perhaps she did feel threatened and wanted to leave, however, how this then translated into her giving him oral sex I do not understand, unless she felt there was no way out unless she appeased him somehow? 

All I can say is that I am now divorcing my husband but we had other serious issues as well as his infidelity (he had anger problems). 

Perhaps this is something you could work out if that is what you want but you wife needs to take absolute full responsibility and realise the seriousness of what she has done and not just brush it under the carpet and tell you to get over it.

I wish you all the best.

Jen


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

She lied to you.

Went to a strangers house because he chatted her up.

She stripped to her undergarments because she was going to have sex with him.

Then supposedly wanted to leave but the offer of $20 was so great and she was so scared that she gave him a BJ while he wore a condom.

Two years ago.

Ummm yeah right.

IF this really did happen, why tell you now? 

If she did go to this guys house why would you believe her story at all?

If this did happen why would it be the ony unfaithful thing she has ever done. Who gets chatted up at work and goes to a strangers house? Then takes money for a BJ?

What does she do for a living?


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Mark,
Having been down this road before, I can tell you that I have heard this same script from my wife. Her old life style and bad choices have put her in some very scary places and often it was better to give it up then get forced. So, yes it has been my experience that it is possible that your wife got her self in a bad spot, was scared and did what she did. Still no excuse for being there!

This is besides the point and has nothing to do with her lack of boundries and her own selfishness to relieve her guilt on you. But since whats done is done it will be up to you to deside if you can live with your wife now that you have a totaly different look of her. Most can't

I'm wired a little different then most and would go for the degrading aspects you mentioned, but thats just me and my problematic marriage. In your case I suggest that you take the time and think hard and long on this life changing dicision. There is no reason to make a splite second dicision.....give your self some time.....look at the preventive maintence your wife can do as an individual and the consequences she needs to face for her self, and to fix her self.

Trust me when I tell you do not let her sweep this under the carpet, or like me you will suffer this pain again 5 and even 10 years down the road.

Now that your wife has unloaded her guilt and she feels better you are now left with the pain. She can either except losing her privacy and get help from a pro ( for at least 1 yr) on why she needs to be validated every time she get depressed about her marriage or move on with out you.

Thats the thing here, the first time is the hardest, without consequence it will get easier for her....take it from the guy with the cheating wife.

BTW, have you made a list on the pros and cons of staying in the marriage? My list was a big fact in a dicision that I still am working on 2 years after confronting my WW(wayward wife).


----------



## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

OMG, it seems that you are the "rug sweeper" here and she finally got tired of leaving hints and just came out and told you!! Please wake up.


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Mark
Before you can make any decisions you need the truth.

Take your wife for a polygraph. It will be the best $ spent to ease your mind.

Do not tell her until you get in the parking lot.

Your wife is TT'ing you.

Once you know the rest of the facts then make a decision.

HM64
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

She was scared to be there and give a BJ but when he offered 20 bucks she was ok?!

  MOST women would be offended by that. Holy crap.

I'd at least want 100.


----------



## markmc01 (Mar 27, 2012)

Well I told her that I was seriously considering divorce. Several things have happened since this disclosure. One thing I want to clear up is some facts that I asked about after reading some of the replies here. 

1) She says she told me about the cheating because she thought revealing this to me was best and she needed to get it off her chest. Being the forgiving man that I normally am, she thought I'd have seen things from her view (it wasn't that bad) and all would be well. She's even gone so far as to say that she thought I was not a jealous person and that I would be okay with it, and if she knew now what the consequences were she would have never told me the truth.

2) She says she went over to his house because she was disappointed in the marriage then. When she got there and after she started to unclothe she had second thoughts. She claims she put her clothes back on, but the man was confrontational about getting something. Scared and nervous she took the money to calm him down and then immediately left.

3) Since I've told her about this her mood has flip-flopped from anger, to sympathy, to nervous wreck. Sometimes she blames me for not accepting it and just moving on. Other times she say that I'll have to evict her from the apartment in order to get her out of the house, or that she is going to fight me tooth and nail to drain me of all money and take the kids if I continue. Then other times she falls into a shell of a woman crying for hours.

The entire experience has been draining and complicated. I'm still middle of the road because I really am scared about the financial drain she would have and I don't want to lose my children along with the constant emotional drain she has become, but I also know that once it was over that part of my life would be free, and I could finally move on.

Thank you all for your advice so far, and I look forward to what anyone still has to say.


----------



## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

First you need to clarify for her that she did in fact cheat. No equivocation, justification. Tell her you want her to take a polygraph. Then I would drive down to a police station with her. Take her inside, go up to the desk sargent. Tell her you have a quick question to ask the officer, when you get up there. Ask him if some one accepted 20 dollars for oral sex, if that was prostitution? Then look her in the eyes when he answers the question. "Yes sir, that is prostitution" will be his answer. Then take your wife back outside and say: 

*"Hopefully this will remove all doubt that you are a cheater. Because my dear wife, if you are not a cheater, then as the policeman just said, you are a prostitute. Which do you prefer to deal with?"*

Your wife has not accepted her guilt in this. Tell her that you are not interested in becoming a "John" so you won't be sinking to her level, by paying for a hore. 

I know you have 4 children, but without contrition and a full confession (confirmed at best with a poly) there is no chance for reconciliation. Not that you can build trust on.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Before you decide what you're going to do, get yourself STD tested, and find out if your kids are really your kids. Sometimes a simple blood typing can do that, depending what types you all are. DNA testing will tell you for sure.

If you decide you want to stay together, then there are many things she will have to do before there's any chance. Do some poking around here and read about the Betrayed Spouse Bill of Rights, the links for newbies and stuff. If you haven't already.


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Sorry you are here.

Typically a cheater downplays what they did. A kiss is code for "We had sex!". A bj - I would imagine sex and maybe more than once. 

Her reaction about you having to evict her to crying etc is in my mind her hiding stuff. I firmly believe there is more than a BJ. Others are saying the same thing. 

Many of us have been down this road of trickle truth. It stinks. I imagine that she will be telling you more.

Like others have said, it does not make sense. Why the $20? If the guy was confrontational he would not be offering her money. Why didn't she walk right out?

I would ask her, What the heck is going on now? Her reaction to this is not typical. I suspect there is someone else in her life now or there was someone recently.

Check her phone, emails, Facebook. Ask her to give you all her account information. Ask her if she has any secret accounts or phones.

If she says she does then go into them right away (before she can change anything) change the passwords.

Put a VAR in her car. Cheaters like to talk in their cars. 

I think there is more here.. I hope I am wrong.

What is your gut telling you?


----------



## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Mark, how can you forgive someone who has done nothing wrong? You can't. And what was your wife's response, not that she shouldn't have done it. She just shouldn't have told you. Then because you can't deal, her response is to threaten to take your money and your kids. That is not the response of a contrite wife that is the response of a succubus. Your wife is still thinking she can bully you into forgiving her. No more arguments with her, file for divorce. You do not have to go through with it, but your wife has still not accepted 100% of this. No way near. Tell her that she can drain all the families money by fighting it, but for what purpose would that be? Does she want to destroy her kids too as well as her marriage. Again. You need to clear away the fog of (its not so bad). You have to break her down or leave her. That is of course unless you want her to lose even more respect for you.


----------



## markmc01 (Mar 27, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> Before you decide what you're going to do, get yourself STD tested, and find out if your kids are really your kids. Sometimes a simple blood typing can do that, depending what types you all are. DNA testing will tell you for sure.


This is not an issue. My kids are mine, and I already have had a check on STD's because of some other related medical test that I've been through.



> If you decide you want to stay together, then there are many things she will have to do before there's any chance. Do some poking around here and read about the Betrayed Spouse Bill of Rights, the links for newbies and stuff. If you haven't already.


I have not read the Betrayed Spouse Bill of Rights. I will check it out now.


----------



## tokn (Sep 9, 2011)

markmc01 said:


> Well I told her that I was seriously considering divorce. Several things have happened since this disclosure. One thing I want to clear up is some facts that I asked about after reading some of the replies here.
> 
> 1) She says she told me about the cheating because she thought revealing this to me was best and she needed to get it off her chest. Being the forgiving man that I normally am, she thought I'd have seen things from her view (it wasn't that bad) and all would be well. She's even gone so far as to say that she thought I was not a jealous person and that I would be okay with it, and if she knew now what the consequences were she would have never told me the truth.


You're getting played, don't let her turn this on you.

How can she think that another man's penis in their wife's orifice (doesn't matter which one) is consider "isn't that bad"? And who in their right mind wouldn't be angry little alone jealous about it? like wtf seriously? 



markmc01 said:


> 2) She says she went over to his house because she was disappointed in the marriage then. When she got there and after she started to unclothe she had second thoughts. She claims she put her clothes back on, but the man was confrontational about getting something. Scared and nervous she took the money to calm him down and then immediately left.


Doesn't matter, what her reasons are, she had no business being there in the first place, everything is she saying is just lies or excuses to try to down play her actions. DON'T BUY IT!



markmc01 said:


> 3) Since I've told her about this her mood has flip-flopped from anger, to sympathy, to nervous wreck. Sometimes she blames me for not accepting it and just moving on. Other times she say that I'll have to evict her from the apartment in order to get her out of the house, or that she is going to fight me tooth and nail to drain me of all money and take the kids if I continue. Then other times she falls into a shell of a woman crying for hours.
> 
> The entire experience has been draining and complicated. I'm still middle of the road because I really am scared about the financial drain she would have and I don't want to lose my children along with the constant emotional drain she has become, but I also know that once it was over that part of my life would be free, and I could finally move on.
> 
> Thank you all for your advice so far, and I look forward to what anyone still has to say.


Everything I'm reading here screams of her trying to turn this on you and make it like you're the bad guy in the situation. Again don't let her do it, she was the one that f'd up not you!


----------



## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

She thought you were not the jealous type and you would not mind her taking 20 dollars to give another man a blow job? What the hell is wrong with this picture? If you believe this story then you really are out of your mind. She clearly thinks you are a fool and a total idiot. In addition, the fact that she did not think she did anything wrong tells you everything you need to know.

She said if she knew the consequences she would not have told you.......This is the wrong answer.
She should have said if she new of the consequences she never would have done it.
Your wife has a total broken moral compass. She does not feel it is wrong to go over to another man's house and give him a blow job and take money for it. How could you possible feel proud that she is your wife? She has humiliated and disrespected you in the worst possible way and does not feel she did anything wrong. You have my sympathy. I feel sorry for you and your children. What a role model she is for your children.


----------

