# Would like to hear from Wayward spouses..



## foolishheart (Jul 15, 2015)

I am posting a new thread as my prior kind of went off base about some legalities etc. I am interested to hear the prospective from cheating spouses. here is the rundown:

were mid 40s married 15yrs, 4 kids [email protected], 1-6, 1-5
W had EA turend Pa with business partner.
discovery in Early Jan
EA - solidified by massive texting avg 120-150 per day for over 1 year
OP, engaged, got married shortly after my Discovery (did not expose to fiance then)

Since then, Went from Divorce to attemt to R, tried counseling, chasing, being nice being mean, trying to talk rationally. W became OM' supervisor recently at work, No transparency or attempts to rebuild trust on her end really ever. just Rug sweeping. An arguement led to my current state which is from me, a total withdrawl (180), still civil, avoid her as much as possible, do some family things together, not attempting to kiss, sex, say I love all that. This has been for almost 2 months.

I expolsed affair to OM's W ,mom, dad and brother last week, I am Ready to file for D next week, went for STD tests yesterday to make sure with the intention to move on. 

Facts are that I at one time loved this woman. We had a marriage in distress (kids, bills, im a **** sometimes etc) Ill own that part... There are issues behind all this and we have a beautiful family but her lack of action has made me believe its gone gone gone. Were friently roomates and Im about shot here......


my other post is : "for those that have weathered the storm, please for my family" it is still an active thread. but went on for pages about recording and legalities etc which went way off topic.....(I would like to applaud everyone for taking their time to help out people like me, the tough love and support and real outlooks have been very helpful and I will definately pay it forward)

would love to hear from some cheaters. What did it take to wake up what did it take to hit the switch. Im really not looking for a magic solution, but once I file I wont back down and want to be sure Ive done what I can on my end and I know that I have not and I have 4 little boys to think about in this.......


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

My heart goes out to you. 

I can't offer any personal insights into what you are asking.

I would suggest that as part of the divorce you figure out a way to put your children first and make this as low trauma for them as possible. That might even include family counseling with the children as a group, or individually depending on their age. 

Good luck to you. Be strong.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

There is no switch, it's a very long and hard crawl to gain the trust and hopefully love of your BS.

Most of the time the OM/OW throws the WS under the bus and they use that anger of betrayal to throw all their love back to the BS. Sad to say this, but it's true.

I love you - to OM/OW
Backstab
I hate you - to OM/OW
I screwed up and I have only loved you - to BS

Sometimes the shame or the I don't give a "F" about anyone but me makes the WS leave no matter what. And the BS is better off anyways.

It takes a special kind of person to take a cheater back and to make it work. Those who cheat and recommit, they're still selfish down to the core but the ones who can make it work realize this and work to fix this problem.

You can lie to yourself for only so long before the truth smacks you in the face.

Also, the successful R stories usually involved couples who were already at rock bottom in their relationship. Most of them that is. Those who usually had a great marriage, usually don't survive long or at all.

If you were already at the bottom, you both can still climb out together to build a new relationship.

If you're both at the top and one falls, very hard to help pull the POS up to where you both used to be at, VERY HARD.

As for me, I made the logical choice

OW - party girl, drinks/drugs and wild

Wife - wife and mother material and has put up with all my crap through the years (prior to cheating)

I don't lie about myself anymore, I know I'm a selfish person. It's always been about me, it always will almost always be about me (aside from my kids and sometimes my wife). Sometimes I have to catch myself and ask, would my wife do this, would my wife buy this, would my wife go here....And sometimes, no thought at all.

I haven't cheated again but I'm far from an angel.

I got lucky and got a great wife.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Foolishheart,

Since you are fighting for your children, I would cast the exposure net farther. As long as your WW is in contact with OM the addiction continues.

They both need to be exposed at work to everyone, press a lawsuit or threaten to do so against the company. Talk to clients, customers and suppliers.

The OMW family needs to be told what the character of OM is and that they should expect OM to cheat on their daughter.

Copy ALL of OMs facebook and linkedin contacts send messages pay the dollar for each it's cheaper than divorce. If he has a church or professional organization do the same.

Make OM understand that what he did was a direct assault on your children and a divorce will remove all restraints on you.

Tamat


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

OP- I'm not a wayward, but used to be married to one.

Her switch flipped as soon as sugar daddy OM threw her under the bus and she spent her share of the settlement. 

Suddenly, when she had to get a job to support herself... I was the greatest thing since sliced bread and she wanted to get back together. She eventually went on to create a plan and timeline for us to R.

No thanks. We co-parent our two kids and I have a new GF. Life is good for me now. Better than when I was married.


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

I think this is what the 180 is for. Using it to its fullest for YOU. By doing this, you protect your heart, work on bettering yourself. This will also help your children. Since your wife seems to have no real interest in saving the marriage, I would strongly suggest you consult with an attorney(s), file for divorce, and have her served. You are going to have to risk loosing your marriage to try and save it. If you loose it, then it wasn't possible to save it. 

My WW who is now my XW, never woke up. She continued to deny everything. Even when presented with hard evidence in mediation and in court as to her wandering, she never admitted to anything. Even told me so. The end result, was she got no alimony. Which would have been mid four figures per month. Like I said, some just never wake up.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Your future actions agctions depend on what your wife is doing now. How has your wife reacted to your 180 and exposing the OM? You can only react to her actions. Does she want to reconcile?


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

If they're going to wake up at all, it's generally when they see that they're about to lose everything. Or when they have already lost everything. 

Keep doing what you're doing, because at this juncture it looks like that is all you can do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I was having a revenge affair -though I was too far gone and drunk much of the time- to realise what I was doing.

Until I realised the affair was actually seconds away from me having unprotected PIV sex with my AP (was she on the pill? Probably not.) and I saw a vision of my wife's face and I suddenly was out of the fog in seconds flat.

I confessed to my wife the very next morning and sent OW a no more contact letter.

We somehow got through it, though my own revenge affair actually hurt me more than my wife's affair and I was on Seroxat for a time, having had a breakdown of sorts.


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## TrustlostHearbroken (Jun 22, 2015)

Well, I was a WS on the very first year of my 15 year marriage. I had a ONS. There was no EA. Just a stupid decision on my part. I wanted the marriage to end and went about it the wrong way. It wasn't until our first child was born when I decided to try to make the marriage work. Three years later I confessed to her what I did and let her decide to forgive me or leave me. She chose to stay.

Now, whether or not me cheating was the cause and effect of her 2 affairs. I can't say. I'm sure me cheating played some part in it. On the eighth year of our marriage, my WW had an EA with an ExBF that turned PA. She up and left me with plans of starting a new life. 2 weeks later she wants to come back. I find out that she started noticing that her ExBF was just a POS drunk and Drug user. Also her plans of starting a new life fell apart. At first I refused to take her back. We were separated for 6 months. I got pressured by my mom to take her back. I also felt that she seemed remorseful about the affair. She was going through IC and I saw a big change in her. I figured since I cheated on her, she deserved a 2nd chance.

Fast forward 7 years later. She has another Affair, same plans for a new life just like her last affair. Only this time, she didn't want any of the kids in this new life. This affair was with a co-worker. A POS who makes minimum wage, pays child support to 2 different women. Lives with his cousin because he can't afford his own place. (why she chooses these type of guys are beyond me) Well, it has been almost 6 weeks since the affair was exposed. We have been separated 5 weeks. I have done the 180. It was hard at first but it worked. It didn't wake her up, but it helped me work on me. I no longer care to R. I am ready to move on with my life with all of my children. She is still with the POS even so he gave her Chlamydia, which in turn I end up getting. She still claims to love him. I just don't care anymore. She is texting and trying to call me more often now than before but I don't answer any of them unless it is about the kids. She can have this train wreck new life of hers. I don't want any part of it. I don't want the kids exposed to it. 

That's what the 180 does for you. It helps you realize what's important for you. What you want in life and what you don't. Just do the 180 for yourself. Don't do it to wake up your wife. The more you focus on the 180 for you. You won't care anymore of whether she changes or realize what she did was wrong. When she had her first affair, I did the 180 without knowing I was doing it and she woke up right away. This latest one though, I think my wife checked out of the marriage a long time ago. I'm not taking a chance with her to waking up this time. I'm in a hurry to divorce her before she does.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

TrustlostHearbroken said:


> Well, I was a WS on the very first year of my 15 year marriage. I had a ONS. There was no EA. Just a stupid decision on my part. I wanted the marriage to end and went about it the wrong way. It wasn't until our first child was born when I decided to try to make the marriage work. Three years later I confessed to her what I did and let her decide to forgive me or leave me. She chose to stay.
> 
> Now, whether or not me cheating was the cause and effect of her 2 affairs. I can't say. I'm sure me cheating played some part in it. On the eighth year of our marriage, my WW had an EA with an ExBF that turned PA. She up and left me with plans of starting a new life. 2 weeks later she wants to come back. I find out that she started noticing that her ExBF was just a POS drunk and Drug user. Also her plans of starting a new life fell apart. At first I refused to take her back. We were separated for 6 months. I got pressured by my mom to take her back. I also felt that she seemed remorseful about the affair. She was going through IC and I saw a big change in her. I figured since I cheated on her, she deserved a 2nd chance.
> 
> ...


I wonder if having affairs with lowlifes she is trying to punish you or her for the ONS you had?

She needs counselling if only to make sure she is a fit and proper person to have contact with the children.

Otherwise I feel contact with the children should be limited to a supervised contact centre only with NO stopovers with her and Mr Lowlife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TrustlostHearbroken (Jun 22, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> I wonder if having affairs with lowlifes she is trying to punish you or her for the ONS you had?
> 
> She needs counselling if only to make sure she is a fit and proper person to have contact with the children.
> 
> ...


I have thought about that also, but from what I know of my WW's relationship history. These seem to be the guys she is into before we met. I know that she suffer's from a lot of low self-esteem issues, not to mention abuse as a child. She has been cheated on and dumped a lot. My therapist says that being in the relationship with these POSOM types probably gives her power or control over the relationship. I don't see the OM being able to giving her a better life. I think she just likes the fact she can pull the plug on the relationship anytime she wants. 

She is a very hard person to deal with. I wouldn't be surprised if the OM leaves her when she starts bringing her issues into the relationship. I know it was almost a relief to finally have her out of my life. She is going to IC and will hopefully get better if she really puts in the effort. Telling by her last texts to me, it seems like she is not even being transparent to her therapist. After her last text. I couldn't help but have a sigh of relief that I don't have to deal with her anymore as a partner. I have my kids to worry about, I don't need 39 year old child.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Oh. Another WW who was abused as a child? Sadly this is all too common.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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