# Don't understand my marriage anymore



## PHE (Apr 25, 2015)

I thought it was meant to be. It all felt right. The marriage, the kids that came along, us, our conversation and discussion like a married couple is supposed to, the respect, the support, it all felt perfect and right for the last 19 years but now, all of a sudden, over the course of the past year, its all different. Everything that I thought I knew and felt was right about my marriage to my wife, well, is all different now.

All of the "nicety's" so to say from her have stopped. All of the "hey baby cakes" and such are gone. When I would call her on the phone or send her a text she would always answer "hey babe" but now its just "hey" or "hello". In the mornings, we would always say good morning and give each other a hug and a kiss like it had meaning and every night when we went to bed we would always give each other a kiss and say "love you". But now, in the mornings all she says is "morning". 

What's funny is that I continued to act the same way that I was with my "hey honey-bunny" or when we would pass in the house I would pat her on the butt or just walk up behind her and give her a hug from behind and kiss her on the head or just give her a hug and a kiss for no reason and say "love you" but now I have pretty much quit all of that simply because she acts like she just doesn't care about any of that any more. Basically, what I saw or came to understand what was "us" for all of these years is not us now and every time I try to talk to her about, she gets annoyed. 

I know people and relationships change but I am having a very hard time understanding all of this. Is it just me?

PHE


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Is she cheating?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It sounds like you need to do some digging to find out what has changed. And keep in mind that a lot of things can lead to a person changing. I have some questions for you.

How old are the two of you?

Do you have children? If so how old are they?

Does your wife work outside the home?

How many hours a week do you and your wife spend together, just the two of you doing date-like things?

What happened 1-2 years ago? Was there an event.. like the death of someone? Or some milestone in either of your lives?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Have you asked her about it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Kids basically grown and there's no longer any reason to pretend?


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Is she going through hormonal changes like menopause? If she is producing less estrogen and she is producing more testosterone, it may cause a personality change within her.

Also, how was the communication between the two of you during the last couple of years? Was this change sudden or gradual?

If she refuses to communicate with you, you need to detach to get more of a neutral perspective on this. Perhaps she lost that romantic love for you, and until you find out, it would be only guesses.

If she is withdrawing from you, you need to protect yourself, by creating a strong individual where if the relationship lasts or not, you will be fine without her. Keep in mind, nothing is guaranteed, and that includes a marriage, love, and people change and grow. What you both want out of life, a partner, could change over the years. You could of started out compatible, but people are ever evolving.

Anyways, you should do things to invest in yourself. Work out, find new hobbies, perhaps take a dance class, something that creates a more independent you.

In the meantime , ask her to go to couple's counseling if communication fails. If she decides not to go, you go yourself because mc can teach you valuable tools to try and work on the relationship. While doing this, work on you as I suggested above.


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## PHE (Apr 25, 2015)

I am 44 and she is 45. We have two children, a son and daughter. Our son is out on his own now. Our daughter is still at home and will be a senior in HS next year. 

Yes, I have tried on numerous occasions to talk to here about what is going on and my feelings but every time she gets annoyed and has the same answer....nothing is going on and people change. A few months ago during one of our discussions which turned into an argument about what is going on, she suggested that we see a marriage counselor and she would set it up. Long story short, she never set it up and when I asked why she just said "I just didn't". I have brought up the marriage counselor a few other times but I can tell by her answer that she doesn't want to, even though she has said, just as recently as this past Monday that she wants our marriage to work. 

I don't even want to think that she might be cheating or talking to someone else seeing as how she was hurt by being cheated on in a past relationship and so was I but it makes you wonder. We we got together and learned of each others being cheated on and how hurt we both were by it, we told each other that if we ever felt like straying that we both would be upfront with each other, but saying it and actually doing it are different things.

PHE


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## AlphaMale74 (Oct 15, 2014)

I recently read an article about marriage. It mentioned that people tend to change about every 7-8 years. She may just be going through that.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

She could be taking you for granted. Have you made it clear you expect passion in your marriage and if it isn't there, you may leave?

Other than that, you should read His Needs Her Needs. It will explain a LOT about your marriage.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Have any of the following happened?
Lost a lot of weight.
Become a gym rat.
Dressing better.
Phone glued to hand.
Sudden needs to go out spur of the moment.
New sexy undies in drawer but you never see them.
Picks fights
Picks fights then uses that as excuse to leave home.
Odd late nights.
Recently contacted by ex.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If you were a woman who wanted a man primarily to help raise kids, what would your likely disposition be toward your man when the kids were grown and leaving the nest? 

Married 19 years, one kid on his own. When did your son leave and did her behavior toward you change around the same time? Maybe she's spent basically her entire adult life being a mom and now she sees that is at an end. She might not know how she fits into this world, who she is going to be, or how that relates to you at the moment. Could be natural hormonal changes, could be she hasn't been into you for some time and has been sticking around for the kids.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

PHE said:


> Yes, I have tried on numerous occasions to talk to here about what is going on and my feelings but every time she gets annoyed and has the same answer....nothing is going on and people change.


#1 Something is going on. She has stopped responding to you in an affectionate manner. She is acting like she does not care about you. That is something.

#2 People change, but drifting apart and/or suddenly treating your spouse as a roommate rather than a spouse and lover is not simply change. It means that you two are not as close as you would like.

Her unwillingness to discuss this with you adequately and her dismissal of your feelings are on par with contempt, which is the highest indicator of divorce. It is good that you are asking and are recognizing that something needs to be done.
Something has happened and something has changed, if she is unwilling to work through this, you cannot correct the problem. It will take both of you. You cannot make things better without her cooperation.
Can you think back to anything that may have happened? What was going on when this changed? Was it a sudden change or slowly over a period of months? Are any of weightlifter's questions true of your wife? Have you changed in any significant way during this time?


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

PHE,

I could have written your post 5 years ago. Now I have learned I am not very good at the whole marriage thing so it took awhile for me to realize that something was wrong and like you it was frustrating feeling like a helpless bystander as our marriage deteriorated before my eyes.

I will stand in concert with the other posters that something has changed. Could it be hormonal? That is likely but it generally is coupled with other things. In my case it was a combination her me losing my earning power, her becoming friendlier with people who were not "friends of our marriage", becoming interested in someone emotionally at work, getting back in contact with an old lover. 

Prepare yourself to nip this in the bud or you could be like me and muddle along for years hoping things get better. It will not. if you have access to her phone and email then snoop casually. If you do not find anything let it go. If you have no access to these items because they are password protected then I would think you have a red flag and you need to investigate further. 

If you consider yourself a "nice guy" then get the book "No more Mr. Nice Guy" and find out about yourself and how you have been decimating your relationship, unwittingly, for years.

I cannot emphasize enough how you must deal with this sooner rather than later. I am still married, I love my wife but our relationship has changed permanently. She tore a chunk out of my soul and it is not coming back. If you confront it early enough I truly believe you can avoid this.


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## another shot (Apr 14, 2015)

Could be something cold be nothing. Hard to day but it warrants immediate attention. I would snoop and evaluate the changes as others have suggested.

What jumped out at me is her suggesting MC rather quickly it seems and it also jumps out that she did not follow thru on it. That indicates to me something is up. 

The other thing that jumped out is she says she wants it to work but gets crabby when you mention it and doesn't alter or suggest alterations to address your fairly tame disappointments


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

PHE said:


> I am 44 and she is 45. We have two children, a son and daughter. Our son is out on his own now. Our daughter is still at home and will be a senior in HS next year.
> 
> Yes, I have tried on numerous occasions to talk to here about what is going on and my feelings but every time she gets annoyed and has the same answer....nothing is going on and people change. A few months ago during one of our discussions which turned into an argument about what is going on, she suggested that we see a marriage counselor and she would set it up. Long story short, she never set it up and when I asked why she just said "I just didn't". I have brought up the marriage counselor a few other times but I can tell by her answer that she doesn't want to, even though she has said, just as recently as this past Monday that she wants our marriage to work.
> 
> ...


You did not answer some of the questions... they are important.


EleGirl said:


> Does your wife work outside the home?
> 
> How many hours a week do you and your wife spend together, just the two of you doing date-like things?
> 
> What happened 1-2 years ago? Was there an event.. like the death of someone? Or some milestone in either of your lives?


Did your son go out on his own about the time that this all started? My bet is that several things changed at one time...

1) Your son went off on his own. You daughter is older. Your wife may have want is called empty nest syndrome. If she has identified strongly as their mother for years, the children growing up and leaving can cause a big identity crisis. It happens a lot to women. This is especially the case for SAHM's.

2) As the children grow up, and your son leaves... she may be seeing the cracks in your relationship more clearly now. You did not answer the question about the time you two spend together. It might be that she is not feeling a strong bond to you anymore. This often happens in marriage over the long haul because more emphasis is put on the children than on the marital relationship.

3) She might be getting hit with hormone changes which can make a woman act very different.

I could be one of those, all of those, or something else. 

The books "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters" could help you quite a bit in assessing your situation and in helping you work towards fixing it. Yes, she will have to do work as well. But you are the one here asking, so you are the only one we can talk to about doing things to change the marriage.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

> I don't even want to think that she might be cheating


That's the very first thing you should be thinking about. Without cheating, there is a lot of hope for your marriage. With cheating (very probable), there's absolutely nothing you can do to improve your marriage until the other person(s) is out of the picture. Even then, the likelihood of success is fairly small.

There's a very good chance your wife is confiding in people who are nurturing a tree of doubt inside her. Such people cause as much devastation to a marriage as a typical affair partner, if not more. In fact, confiding in unsafe people is a form of cheating itself.

Find out the truth and NEVER confront her without gathering up enough evidence. You'll look foolish and back to square one.

Marriage counseling is not your way out of this mess right now. Being smart, attractive, assertive and resourceful is. Forget marriage counseling for now. You don't have all the facts (it seems)


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Aw yes, the wonderful phase known as perimenopause/menopause. Im guessing she is starting the change. It makes a lot of women act this way. The kids are gone or about to be gone. For years y'all have been mom and dad instead of husband and wife. She wonders what could have been if she hadn't decided to marry you, and sees life slipping away and wants to recapture their youth. Some want to make a change before they are too old. Some withdraw into themselves and others embrace the change and live with gusto. All of this is just my opinion. Take it or leave it. My thoughts are live your life. Do things you want to do. Be positive and upbeat enjoy life. She shouldn't dictate how you feel. If your world revolves around her detach some. Don't let her moods make you mimic hers. Sorry for the ramble.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

PHE said:


> it all felt perfect and right for the last 19 years but now



19 Years. That's a good run. Anything beyond 10 is good. But then again, you really don't know when it happened.




PHE said:


> I know people and relationships change but I am having a very hard time understanding all of this.


It's really tough to understand. She is your life partner. You are (were) hers. I was on these boards for about 6 months when it all clicked in one horrible moment for me. 

You do understand that your wife doesn't love you any more, right? Probably hasn't for a few years. Oh, she could fake it for a while. Keep up the "honey-baby" bullcrap for appearances. But once she stopped even LIKING you, it got harder for her. Once she found you repulsive, she just couldn't do it any more.

1 - Ignore the "she's cheating" default advice you'll be getting. She may be, but that's not your problem.
2 - They RARELY come back once they check out.

I understand a new member not understanding this happens in almost all marriages. But the veteran posters scratching their heads thinking..."hmmm, what could the issue be?".

Women check out of marriages ALL THE TIME. And nobody is talking about it. It should e required reading before anybody gets married.

180 time. It saved my life. But only AFTER I realized I need to ignore the part about her seeing a better you and coming back. It doesn't happen that way. Quite the contrary actually. She appreciates the fact that you aren't bugging her about this "what happened to our marriage?" crap. You're leaving her alone. 

The 180 is for YOU and you alone.

Good luck. You are in for the ride of your life.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Right now, the two most important things you can do besides investigating a possible affair is to read the two books linked to below. Follow the MAP plan in MMSLP.

You can also download them both at amazon.com.

Keep us updated.

Look in the coping with infidelity section for weightlifters thread on investigating ideas. I'm not saying she's cheating but that has to be ruled out first.

Has your sex life changed at all in the last few years?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If someone consistently operates at a particular level of performance for years and that performance suddenly drops, the reason is found in the time period where the change was first noticed. If she started to withdraw 5 years ago, that's where you look for your answer. If it started 8 months ago, that's where the answer is. When did you first notice a real change and what else was going on in her life at the same time?


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Phe. So far I only see yellow alert but please answer my list.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Another man may not be the reason, but its the first thing that came to my mind.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Just detach.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

PHE said:


> I am 44 and she is 45. We have two children, a son and daughter. Our son is out on his own now. Our daughter is still at home and will be a senior in HS next year.
> 
> Yes, I have tried on numerous occasions to talk to here about what is going on and my feelings but every time she gets annoyed and has the same answer....nothing is going on and people change. *A few months ago during one of our discussions which turned into an argument about what is going on, she suggested that we see a marriage counselor and she would set it up. Long story short, she never set it up and when I asked why she just said "I just didn't". I have brought up the marriage counselor a few other times but I can tell by her answer that she doesn't want to, even though she has said, just as recently as this past Monday that she wants our marriage to work.
> *
> ...


Sounds like she is frustrated with the marriage and you. Resentment has set in and now she is losing the strength to try.

Why don't you make the appointment and tell her you are both going? She may have given up doing it because she is looking for you to step up and be strong. Take this opportunity and do just that. Show her some EQ or emotional intelligence, it is a powerful thing.

Think very carefully about the advice to detach. I can tell you that if that happened my my relationship it would be the end. Weak men and women chase after someone that removes love from them. If your wife has a stronger character then she will possible think "stuff you" and let you go.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

MachoMcCoy said:


> *Women check out of marriages ALL THE TIME*. And nobody is talking about it. It should e required reading before anybody gets married.


Right, because what we ARE talking about it how *"marriages fall apart all the time"* since it is always a 50/50 deal on who did what wrong in each marriage failure. Thus, we don't paint it like "WOMEN check out of marriage" since this is simply a way to _try to place the blame on only the woman_. Why would we do that when it is not true that the blame is only on the woman?

So instead, we talk about the reality of how every screwed up marriage was screwed up by TWO PEOPLE.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Faithful Wife said:


> Right, because what we ARE talking about it how *"marriages fall apart all the time"* since it is always a 50/50 deal on who did what wrong in each marriage failure. Thus, we don't paint it like "WOMEN check out of marriage" since this is simply a way to _try to place the blame on only the woman_. Why would we do that when it is not true that the blame is only on the woman?
> 
> So instead, we talk about the reality of how every screwed up marriage was screwed up by TWO PEOPLE.


I'm not saying your wrong but if it were true it seems like the number of divorces filed would be equal, 50/50 between men and women. Instead, if I remember correctly, 80% of divorces are filed by women. Is there another explanation for that?

What we see here all the time is a husband being blindsided by dibpvorce and saying he thought everything was fine. I don't recall women saying the same thing.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Faithful Wife said:


> Right, because what we ARE talking about it how *"marriages fall apart all the time"* since it is always a 50/50 deal on who did what wrong in each marriage failure. Thus, we don't paint it like "WOMEN check out of marriage" since this is simply a way to _try to place the blame on only the woman_. Why would we do that when it is not true that the blame is only on the woman?
> 
> So instead, we talk about the reality of how every screwed up marriage was screwed up by TWO PEOPLE.


My bad. Let me clarify:

Women check out of marriages all the time *After their POS worthless husbands drive them away*, and nobody's talking about it.

I don't care who''s fault it is, but women just fall out of love a lot more than men do. Again, it's usually the man's fault, but I see a different dynamic when a man leaves.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

MachoMcCoy said:


> My bad. Let me clarify:
> 
> Women check out of marriages all the time *After their POS worthless husbands drive them away*, and nobody's talking about it.
> 
> I don't care who''s fault it is, but women just fall out of love a lot more than men do. Again, it's usually the man's fault, but I see a different dynamic when a man leaves.


Studies have supposedly shown that the seven year itch is not a myth for women. Of course seven years is just an average. There was a documentary on the BBC that showed the difference in the the way married women behaved more aggressively than single women on girls night out around other men.


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