# Infatuation? Guilt Depression?



## Nikki411 (Mar 14, 2013)

This will be kind of long, sorry. 

My fiance of 4 years left me a month and a half ago for a girl he dated when he was 14. She had moved away and they never really split up. For years they rarely talked and never saw each other, when she came up for a day. They slept together (she was married) but refused to leave her husband for him. She said her husband was a massive cheater but she didn't want to leave him. Anyway, we weren't together then. 

Fast forward a year into our relationship. I had just had our first child together and he had sent pics out to everyone-including her. That got them started talking again. She was going through a divorce finally and since I knew they had been friends for a long time, I was fine with him talking to her. Well, that VERY quickly turned into inappropriate talk. Like, within a week. It was very fantasy like, lots of lovey dovey talk, marriage, buying a house, having kids, etc. All in the course of a week or so (really, more like a few days since it really did start out as a friendly thing). I found out obviously, and he ended it immediately. For the next 2 years, there was almost no contact between them, just a hi once, a very short friendly text. Then last year, they started up again. I didn't find out until well after the fact, but he stopped it himself. It was the same stuff-lovey dovey, marry me, etc. This time it lasted a couple of weeks before he stopped it himself. Oh and I should add, she was remarried by this time. 

Now, we moved 3k miles cross country. Suddenly we were 4 hours away from her. For several months, everything was fine. And then in November, he was stressed from work (he told me recently that he tends to talk to her everytime he gets down or stressed because it makes him feel better), horrible job, he started to talk to her again. During the same time, he bought me a wedding ring, got a house with me, even wanted to be there for all of the house buying stuff, because it was our first place together. He seemed a little depressed, but not horrid. 

Then he made the dumb decision to go see her. After that, he became deeply depressed, never smiled, never happy...finally 2 weeks after their first visit, he went back again, for a day...and announced he was leaving me, moving in with her, etc. (They had 3 days total together) He stayed up here, with his parents, for another week and a half before quitting his job and moving. At that point, he started cutting-badly. His arm was a wreck. He started drinking heavily. I noticed he seemed to need to be fairly drunk to be around me. He maintained the whole time that he still loved me too, but that he loved her and needed to figure his feelings out. I also noticed if I said anything even remotely negative about her, he got very angry. 

Anywho, so he left. I've been doing well, and I've only really been talking to him when our daughter is concerned or money (he is still partly paying my bills because he knew I wasn't able to support myself). He was very much avoiding me, and when I did see or talk to him, he seemed happy, so...yesterday, I told him I was happy for him, I hope he stayed happy, that I didn't want to stay friends because it wasn't healthy for either of us, and that I was glad he was over me so that my dating wouldn't bother him. He then informed me that I had no clue. After a lot of prodding, I got him to say what was going on. Basically, he said he's happy, goes out and has fun, etc...but inside he's a trainwreck. He's heavily depressed still but hiding it. He said his feelings for me haven't changed, but he still loves her too. 

I came across something talking about guilt depression and it sounds like it to me, but usually people don't feel guilty until AFTER they end the other relationship (with the other woman) from how it sounds. He cheated on me with her. He knew that was a HUGE thing for me. He said he would never do this to me and then did (leaving). He left our daughter, who he still sees every 1-2 weeks, for a week at a time. She is basically my polar opposite, both in appearance and personality. I'd never cheat, never even dream about ripping a family apart, but she had no problem with either-nor cheating on her husbands, and then had the audacity to meander outside while I was picking up my daughter from him, TWO WEEKS after he left, little smirk on her face, and check me out repeatedly. It was horrible and I couldn't help but think, there's only one type of person who does that! 

Anyway, I have felt since it started that its an infatuation with her, especially when he described how he feels (that he loves me but more like a best friend, that she makes him have this fire in his heart, that she is the one and has always been the one, and I remembered when I had found their previous convos, he would mention she was constantly on her mind, he couldn't stop thinking about her)...and I know with that, it just takes time for that chemical crap to die down. And I know that can take a LONG time, although I imagine with the way they got together it might make it go faster (along with how opposite she is of what he normally likes in a girl)? I dunno.

Anyway, with this new info though, I'm wondering...is it guilt (depression)? What would make that guilt die down? I mean, there's really no justifying it I would think...we rarely argued, had a great relationship, liked most of the same things, had a great sex life, and me...well, I'm a sweet person, I love everyone, I try to keep people happy, I'm a happy person, I hate fighting, I'm very good with communication. If he were going to justify it to himself, wouldn't he have done it already? I'm just wondering how one works through that in such a horrible situation


----------



## Nikki411 (Mar 14, 2013)

Oh and since I'm sure it'll come up....yes, I still care about him and of course I still have feelings, you don't stop loving the only person you've ever loved in the course of a month and a half, but I'm not trying to get back with him. I want them to split up, but mainly because of our daughter-he'd move back up here, since his family is here, and then she'd have a normal visitation schedule, its so hard on everyone, especially her, being gone so much and only seeing one of us for so long at a time. I'm primarily asking out of curiosity, I know I can't do anything to help him, this is a personal hell he caused himself, but I am wondering what happens. Does time heal? Will it be him finally losing those feelings for one of us? Or will it actually take him splitting up with her and trying to make amends with me? Or nothing at all? I'm scared he'll hurt himself


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

I'm sorry you're here Nikki. Heart breaking story.

I understand that you say you're not looking to get back with him, but reading between the lines, it doesn't appear that way.

Here's what I think. Forget about him. Don't have anything to do with him, other than what it takes for him to be a proper father to his child. Don't worry about his mental issues. To hell with him. He's no longer your problem.

You seem way too unaffected by all this. He betrayed you and left his small child - for another woman. By all rights you should have a lot of anger. Just be glad you never married him. 

So, forget him and forget about his problems. Make sure he takes care of his child, but get on with your life. You are young and have a long life ahead of you. Find a man that will show you love, respect, and faithfulness; because you deserve better than him.


----------



## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

He probably does feel guilty, as he SHOULD. He might be depressed, who knows? It's not your problem anymore. Be glad you found this out before you got married, although it must be very hard on your daughter.

If he wants to walk out on his fiance and child for a woman who cheated on BOTH of her husbands (did I read that right?) then he deserves what is coming to him. 

My guess is that the fire will die down and either she will get bored again and cheat on him or he will really start to realize what he gave up in you and his daughter. Either way, you will have moved on to someone stable and loving. Good luck!


----------



## Nikki411 (Mar 14, 2013)

badmemory said:


> I'm sorry you're here Nikki. Heart breaking story.
> 
> I understand that you say you're not looking to get back with him, but reading between the lines, it doesn't appear that way.
> 
> ...


No, I hear you, I do. Everyone doesn't get why I'm not mad...its just not who I am. I was angry for a few days but I already got over it. That's just me. He is a horrible person for what he did, I know. I don't want to be with him anymore. I'm already dating, trying to move on, etc. I've already decided we won't be back together, ever. I could never trust him again after this. 

But like I said, DO still care, he was my best friend for 5 years, my love for 4, I can't just forget it. I care about people, that's who I am. So while I rarely talk to him, when I do, I listen and let him talk (and its generally because he wants to talk to our daughter...and when she wanders off, he starts talking to me). Yesterday I pushed him because he was refusing to admit to what was going on. No one else knows. 

I know I can't do anything, but like I said...I'm curious. Again, that's who I am, I like to know everything I can. I might not seem affected by this but believe me, I am. He completely broke my heart. I just don't stay sad/upset for long. I still have moments, but I'm about 97% good.


----------



## Nikki411 (Mar 14, 2013)

justonelife said:


> If he wants to walk out on his fiance and child for a woman who cheated on BOTH of her husbands (did I read that right?) then he deserves what is coming to him.


She cheated on her first husband with him, physically, and her second husband, emotionally. I have no idea if she's cheated with other guys while married but given her willingness to cheat with him, and to sleep with him while he was with me (and um, split up a family) I wouldn't be even remotely surprised. That was one of the things that made my ex quite mad-I mentioned her cheating on her husbands and all of that and he got pissed, yelled "who are you to judge?!" and then stormed out.


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

The likelyhood is he will end disapointed by her as day to day reality intrude in his limerence state.
Given his recurrent depression he used her to self medicate becasue he had a very idealized version of her, of their on-off, never the right moment, star crossed lover's story. Reality never measure up to build up fantasy.
If OW doesn't cheat on him first (wich is very posible) once the honeymoon phase dies he will go back to depression and old shortcomings. It seems partying is not doing the deal already. He will need a new set of "meds".


----------



## Nikki411 (Mar 14, 2013)

Acabado said:


> The likelyhood is he will end disapointed by her as day to day reality intrude in his limerence state.
> Given his recurrent depression he used her to self medicate becasue he had a very idealized version of her, of their on-off, never the right moment, star crossed lover's story. Reality never measure up to build up fantasy.
> If OW doesn't cheat on him first (wich is very posible) once the honeymoon phase dies he will go back to depression and old shortcomings. It seems partying is not doing the deal already. He will need a new set of "meds".


He isn't partying, she apparently has an extremely active social life, so they've been out doing...things. Random stuff. He's also got a job that he enjoys down there. And got the car he wanted for a long time. Yet, he's still majorly depressed. And he doesn't understand why >.< derp.


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Nikki411 said:


> No, I hear you, I do. Everyone doesn't get why I'm not mad...its just not who I am. I was angry for a few days but I already got over it. That's just me. He is a horrible person for what he did, I know. I don't want to be with him anymore. I'm already dating, trying to move on, etc. I've already decided we won't be back together, ever. I could never trust him again after this.
> 
> But like I said, DO still care, he was my best friend for 5 years, my love for 4, I can't just forget it. I care about people, that's who I am. So while I rarely talk to him, when I do, I listen and let him talk (and its generally because he wants to talk to our daughter...and when she wanders off, he starts talking to me). Yesterday I pushed him because he was refusing to admit to what was going on. No one else knows.
> 
> I know I can't do anything, but like I said...I'm curious. Again, that's who I am, I like to know everything I can. I might not seem affected by this but believe me, I am. He completely broke my heart. I just don't stay sad/upset for long. I still have moments, but I'm about 97% good.


Well, I would say you are a rare breed of woman. Most women I know would take the "a woman scorned" stuff pretty seriously. But I'm glad you seem to be doing OK.

Also understand, that a lot of the folks on this forum (and I'll include myself) don't have a whole lot of empathy for cheaters, be they male or female. IMHO you'd be better off using TAM to support YOURSELF, not the person that betrayed you. 

So we're here for you if you do.


----------



## Nikki411 (Mar 14, 2013)

I'm not really trying to support him persay. I don't want him to kill himself, obviously, but by understanding what may help him, I satisfy a curiosity. That's it. I have a feeling its mostly time and him realizing he made a mistake, and making amends after. 

As far as the other part, I wanted to know if others agree this is pretty much doomed to fail just for support. LOL. Its so hard on me watching my little girl deal with this, knowing that it probably won't last forever helps me.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Is your family 3 thousand miles away? Have you considered moving back?


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

What do you mean by cutting?


----------



## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Pattern

She cheats on first husband, then cheats on second, if your ex feels she's going to stick with him the pattern will repeat itself soon enough.

As good a friend and love as he was to you, he made a decision to leave his daughter for her. I hope you move on and find some peace and happiness and a true man to love you completely.


----------



## calmwinds (Dec 10, 2012)

Has he always been a cutter or is this something new? Cutters feel the need to "let something out" and the blood-letting soothes them. Whether this is an old method of coping for him or a new one, HE NEEDS PSYCHIATRIC ATTENTION! Some people cut for years and never do much damage to themselves other than some superficial scarring, hoever, there have been occasions when people have cut too deeply. You do not need a cutter in the home with your child either way.


----------



## ubercoolpanda (Sep 11, 2012)

How old is your daughter? 

Their relationship won't last.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Nikki411 (Mar 14, 2013)

calmwinds said:


> Has he always been a cutter or is this something new? Cutters feel the need to "let something out" and the blood-letting soothes them. Whether this is an old method of coping for him or a new one, HE NEEDS PSYCHIATRIC ATTENTION! Some people cut for years and never do much damage to themselves other than some superficial scarring, hoever, there have been occasions when people have cut too deeply. You do not need a cutter in the home with your child either way.


Its new, he had never cut before. He started a few days after their weekend together and got worse and worse. I don't think he's still cutting though. I think he quit a few days after he got down there-but...I'm not 100% sure. Within about two weeks of starting his upper arm was completely covered in cuts. 

Yes, my family lives mostly in another state from where I was living and yes I considered moving, but I'm starting school here and its easier (and the cost of living is cheaper) for me to get into the program I want to here. Its highly competitive and I have a good shot here. So, I'm going to do my schooling first, work a bit to get some experience under my belt, and then make a decision at that point. 

Our daughter is only 3, just turned 3 in the middle of all of this actually :/ And I'm definitely looking for a good guy  But I also realize I just got out of a long relationship and I'm not wanting a rebound so...I'm trying to just date and have fun right now.


----------



## Nikki411 (Mar 14, 2013)

I wish telling someone they were infatuated actually worked to pull them out of it, HAHA. Sorry, my daughter is leaving today and I'm sad.  

He told me today that hes more confident now, he doesnt care what other people think anymore and he's putting himself out there. That life is just about him, his gf, and our 3 year old. I don't know if thats the new relationship thing (infatuation, whatever), or if its a permanent change but ugh. It cut in a little.


----------

