# Confused!!! Marriage with wrong person



## Akr (May 1, 2013)

Hi,

I got married in Nov, 2010 with a person from my work place. Me and my husband worked in the same office, first he proposed me, I denied. After two years of his regular approaches and after seeing his soft behavior, love, compassion, I decided to marry this guy. We both are from different backgrounds, different cultures, different food habits, different lifestyles, but he told me that it hardly matters for him, after marriage, I can do whatever I want, he will never push anything on me as he loves me a lot. Before saying yes, I already confirmed about his culture, habits, and at that moment of time he told me that it hardly matters. He just wanted to marry me, and doesn't care about any culture, lifestyle or anything. I was totally convinced and taken decision that this is the right person for me and I said yes to the marriage. 

The day I got married and reached at my in laws place, his behavior totally changed. His big brother's wife started degrading me by saying useless things, like in our culture this happens, that happens etc etc.. and my mother in law also started teaching me regarding her house rules, culture, and told me that I have to wear saree as I am a punjabi girl and we always wear suits. But I wore sarees as long as i was there (at in laws place).After engagement, my mil wanted me to do fast (vrat) according to their culture, I denied, at that moment of time , my husband also denied that I don't have to follow any rituals, and he told me that if I don't want to do this fast then no issues to him. But after marriage, suddenly my mil started forcing me to do the same fast, I denied before, at this moment, my husband didn't utter a word, and forcively, I did it. I told my husband that what's going on, I didn't like it as earlier he told me that he didn't care about any culture then why his parents or big b wife started teaching me their culture which is totally different, and it's not possible for me to convert completely as we agreed before , but he told me that I don't have to live with his parents, so do whatever they want and when we leave for Delhi, then do whatever you want. I said OK.. 

When we reach Delhi, his bua's daughters started teaching me their culture, their food habits etc and I didn't like the way they treated me as well as they talked with me, I feel annoyed. In 2011, my husband's big b and his wife came to our place and started rubbish things, like what's in the kitchen, you don't have this, you don't have that. I always share things with my husband and he didn't utter word for me to anyone. This is starting, now as the time passes, anyone can say anything rubbish to me, may be in front of my husband. I am a girl with less words and only wanted to be with gentle people not with people who always wanted to teach rubbish things which i never want to listen. After 15 days of marriage, my husband started blaming on me that I never call anyone in his family whether his bua, his big b wife, my mother in law , mama mami etc.... I was shocked, that this is not the guy I choose as my better half. Now this blame continues after 3 years of marriage. I tried my level best, I started calling my mother in law once a week, but her complains never end. Whenever she calls my husband, she always complain about me, that I never call her, but whenever she call , she never talk with me just complain.. And whenever my husband told me to call his big b wife, I called, but I really annoyed after talking, I don't know what she wants, she never talk with me gently. she always pushing hard on me. If everybody is pushing me because I am of different culture and always teaches me , then I think I really don't want to call anyone. 

Now the situation is, my mil called my husband and complain that I never call her, and our fights begin, my husband told me that his mom is right and I am wrong. Before marriage I was always right but now I am always wrong.
my mil told my husband that I am not fulfilling my responsibility of daughter in law. I have a 6 months daughter with me, I left my job due to some complications in pregnancy,I was in worst condition that I cannot sit even on bed, my husband and my mom really put hard efforts on me. My mom take me to her place but no one came from my in laws place. Now I started ignoring those people who make me sick. I don't understand my husband's dual nature. Now I am a housewife, taking care of my little angel and my home, but still whenever my mil called , we always have a fight. What should I do, please suggest.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Your husband is not much of a man or husband if he does not defend you. 

Your mil is extremely selfish, controlling and I bet abusive. Almost everyone with this controlling behavior is abusive. Your husband may be afraid of his mother. 

Personally, I'd not take MIL calls anymore. No one treats you poorly, you never deserved this horrible behavior. You need to talk to your husband and tell him you NEED for him to stand up to you. Live by your own culture. Don't let anyone force and tell you what to do. You are an adult and need to be treated as one. 

I'm so very sorry to hear how your being treated. It is very wrong and unacceptable.


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## Akr (May 1, 2013)

Thanks.. dear.. Let me take one more chance to discuss things with my husband, that he need to take stand for me. 

I am living by my own culture but if some one from in laws place come and start asking me, your husband like this/that kind of food and you don't know how to cook.. you need to learn your husband's favorite food.. which I never ever seen in my life. Although, my husband never ask me to cook. sometimes, it's really irritable. 

I am still confused, how to deal with my mil. I called her on 25th April and it hardly a week, and she keeps on complaining. Should I call her or stop calling her anymore. Please help!


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Hi,

What are your options? I don't know your culture and laws, but look at your options. I read you live apart, is that going to happen long term?
Can you and your husband live alone? 

You should have followed your instincts and not marry him, but do you love him? He seems to have told you everything you wanted to hear to convince you. Now he's going back on all his promises. You need to talk of him and tell him you married him because he told you he would respect your life choices. It's not fair it's also not fair how much is family is involved.
I'm not sure what you mean by daughter in law obligations, is this her idea, religion or culture? 
Since I don't know if this is an option, do you have to call her and the bil wife? 
I would not, this only gives them power and opportunity to make you feel bad and manipulate you. 
What do your parents say about this marriage?

What do you want to do?

Don't let anyone take advantage of you, he married you for you,you don't need to change.


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## Akr (May 1, 2013)

hi Mablenc

Yes, Me and my husband is living alone.But still my mil takes control over my husband by calling n complaining him. Yes, I was in love with him after marriage, we enjoyed our marriage life but within 15- 20 days, my mil started complainig about calls and wants me to convert by teaching her rituals, culture etc which is a starting of our fights. I feel cheated after marriage. 

Mil wanted that I should stay with her for some days or even a month without my husband as it's not possible for my husband to stay with his parents as long due to his work. And also she wanted me to understand her house rules, culture etc, cook food at her home, do some work at her home etc. I am not doing the same it means I am not fulfilling my responsibilities of daughter in law, this is her set of mind. 

My parents don't say anything about this marriage as this was my choice, and they don't want to involve in our family matters because they don't want that my family life disturbs due to their involvement. But my mom says that if the whole thing will not stop, then she will talk to either my husband or my mil as my mom cannot listen all these rubbish happened with me. 

I don't know, what I want to do. My mind is blocked. I feel cheated but my husband told me that he loves me and I am his family but on the other hand he also agrees upon everything my mil complain about.

In true, I want to live an independent life with my husband and my baby , I don't want to listen rubbish things from my in laws or any one from relatives of in laws. I already started ignoring those sick people. I told my husband that I will not call my mil anymore.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Hi, 
Then you should focus on establishing boundless 

Here are two articles 
Becoming a Better Woman From the Inside Out: Setting Boundaries With In-laws

The 7 Laws of Boundaries | World of Psychology

And one book;
Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life: Henry Cloud, John Townsend: 9780310247456: Amazon.com: Books


It takes practice, the beginning is the worst because she will be shocked and push back. This only means its working and you need to continue.


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## Akr (May 1, 2013)

hi 

Yesterday, my mil called my husband and start *****ing about me.. my husband got tensed and it's painful for me, that yesterday, my husband was crying in front of me as he loves her mom as well. It's a very difficult situation for me. 

One day mil came to my place and left for shopping in the afternoon, on that day, i haven't cook lunch at home because I expected that they may eat outside. she came back at 3:30 pm and I ask her, shall I cook lunch for you and she told me , NO! I don't feel hungry right now. I said Ok, then I came back to my room and sleep with my little daughter. Now , today the situation is , mil told my husband that I haven't cook food for her, as she was starving after 1 hour I asked her for lunch. But I really don't know, how to identify, that someone is hungry, if the person will not tell you!!!! It's very confusing. and she is angry with me because she thinks that I haven't gave her a lunch. 

And also she's angry that we haven't called her on Mother's Day. But honestly speaking that me and my husband doesn't remember Mother's Day as I haven't call MY mom on that day as well. 

She always blame me that I haven't treat her well, but she stays with me for one week, I was on my toes to cook breakfast, lunch, dinner,. (everyday) and apart from this, I have to take care of my 6 months old daughter includes her massage, bath, food, milk etc etc . I tried my level my best that at least my mil will not complain this time, but I failed. She got fever, again, I was on my toes, to take care of her but at last, she told my husband that whenever I came to your place , I always feel sad because of me. I don't know how to handle this new created situation as my husband is also very tensed. Please help!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If it's this bad now, it will get 100 times worse in 5 years when the PEA chemicals are no longer coursing through either of you and you no longer feel the need to meet ANY of each others' needs. 

Get out now.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

btw, this is not a dis at Indian people, but I know several Indian families and it is VERY male-centric and oldest woman-driven. The oldest woman runs the house but the oldest male makes all the decisions, at least in the families I know. Younger sons aren't even allowed to have kids until the oldest one does. The other women in the house have NO say whatsoever. 

Not looking good for you. This is what he KNOWS and EXPECTS from you.


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## Akr (May 1, 2013)

hi catherine,

thanks for your suggestions. I tried my level best to know his family, to make peace with his family, but every time, I failed. It's not because I did something wrong, if I calmly talk with mil, and treat her well. she started teaching me their culture, traditions, about food all day long and also she always says words that go hard on me and my heart breaks. And i take one step back.

Also, for the sake of my husband, I called his big b wife but she pushed hard on me on the phone, it breaks my heart again, which i think i don't deserve some harsh words from anyone for no reason. I think at least, I deserve respect as a human being. I am younger in his family, it doesn't mean that everyone dis respect me. 

This, time when she's in, at my place, I was on my toes to take care of mil and expect that she will not complain this time. I do everything for mil, whatever I can do, She was polite with me and I never expected that she'll complain about me this time. But, she complained, it was really really unexpected. Which Attitude, I should change. I always on my toes to take care of my mil and fil and I am ready to take care of them but still, she complain, if she prepare a cup of tea by herself.

I cannot follow his traditions because my thoughts are completely opposite as his family. but yes, i always give respect to his parents, I never go harsh on them but still problems has no end. What to do??/


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Good advice. She's trying to push you out. If you prove you aren't leaving, she'll eventually give up and accept you. It may not be great, but if you want to stay with him, it's probably the best you're gonna get.


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## Akr (May 1, 2013)

Hey Catherine ,

Thanks a lot for your suggestions, i really appreciate that you help me out in this situation and thankful to you. I will do the same , what you've suggested. and then will discuss things with you. 

One more thing I would like to ask, that today, I called up my mom and share the complete story and my mom told me to call mil once a week, Shall I continue to give one more chance to this relationship (with mil) What do you say??/

Thanks Turnera...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I ALWAYS tell people to take the high road, to ALWAYS show a kind face, even in the face of adversity. No matter what goes on around you, being able to look yourself in the face in the mirror knowing you showed respect, dignity, and compassion - as YOU would like to be treated - is never the wrong choice. Unless there is real abuse going on, of course.

His MIL may just be scared at losing time with her son. If you can show her through your persistence that you don't intend to keep him from her (reasonably), that may weaken her stance against you. 

Try to see it from her side.


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