# Please help… I cheated on my wife.



## crappyhusband85 (Oct 28, 2017)

I'm not going to blame shift or give 1001 excuses for cheating. I did it. It is 100% on me. I know I deserve whatever comes of this. This isn’t a position I ever thought I’d find myself back in. 

On the 13th I went out with friends, as we were celebrating two birthdays. I usually see those friends every Friday or Saturday, but we don’t usually go to bars. We hang out at someones house, play games and sometimes drink. We were celebrating birthdays and the general consensus was to go to do “pre-bar” drinks then go out to a bar or two. I’m not a huge bar goer anymore, haven’t been since my early 20’s, and usually don’t go. Once or twice a year is plenty for me. 

Long story short… We had pre-bar drinks, went to a bar, a friend of mine started talking to a woman and her friend, they hit it off, I kept talking to the other woman, drinks were exchanged, we got along well, she was clearly interested in me, we danced, kissed, and she touched my penis over my pants for a few seconds. I don’t know how long we made out for, but we stopped and started a few times. I made the conscious choice to do it again and again - knowing what I was doing and the progressive thoughts I was having. I didn’t stop it. And I hate that. I didn’t stop it. A friend of mine stopped it. Most, if not all, witnessed it. More on that later. I didn’t stop it. That makes me feel worse and like I cheated on her multiple times, really it was just once but that isn’t how it feels. Had that friend not stopped it… I don’t know. I’d like to say that I wouldn’t have let it escalate further, but I can’t say that for sure. I kissed her over and over. I would be lying if I said I didn’t think about having sex with her. I felt like complete **** after it was ended and went home right away. My wife was surprised that I was home and asked what happened, assuming something happened to piss me off. That was the first time I lied to her about this, and it made me feel even more like **** - if that’s possible. 

As if I didn’t feel (and yes, I deserve it 110%) ****ty enough, it gets worse. The woman I kissed asked me if I was married and I said *no*. That possibly makes me feel more like **** than anything else. I regretted it right after I said it, but I didn’t correct it. I don't wear a wedding ring. I work in healthcare and cannot wear it at work, after 12 hours it rarely finds its way back on.

I feel like a huge **** up and like she shouldn’t even be with me. I promised that I would never hurt her like this. I don’t deserve her. 

To some people it could be seen as "ok, it was just a kiss, some quick touching, that's not too bad". Not to my wife. Years ago a drunk woman kissed me quickly, I didn't kiss her back, and my wife was very upset about it. She wasn't mad at me, but didn't want me to go to bars for a long time after that. There were a lot of tears over that. She was cheated on in a previous relationship. She has always worried about me cheating and been paranoid. She would never get over it, not just with me but anyone else if we divorce. I've come home to her crying before because she thought I was cheating on her when I wasn't. Not a chance. She gets a thought in her head and can't get it out. Telling her this, I don't know what that would do. Make her think every suspicious thought over the last 8 years has been true.

I don't have the woman’s number and I'd never contact her anyway. The friends who were there all know about it, which would be 10 people. The thing is, they won't blab to her. I won't say I have the best friends when it comes to honesty. Every single one of them has cheated on their spouse or partner. Everyone knows about it, except the persons cheated on. I don't know how it doesn't come out, but the never does. It's been secrets kept for up to 10 years. None of them are close to my wife and never speak to her outside of social situations. On that end, I know they would never tell her. I don’t want to seem like I’m trying to take the easy way out. These are friends that I have had from grade school, so we are a close group. 

I'm not worried about myself, I'd take whatever I deserve. I don't want to hurt her unnecessarily. I know I already did hurt her, she just doesn’t know about it. But I'm struggling on whether I should tell her or not. It's never going to happen again.

At the same time I feel like such an ******* for not telling her. Other people know about it, but not her. She would be hurt if she ever found that out. She has never liked when friends knew things about me, from before I met her, that she didn’t know. Then I circle back to, I don’t want to her her. Maybe the best solution is to let her go and keep this to myself. She can have someone who won’t ever do this to her and doesn’t need the hurt of knowing what I did. I don’t want that at all, but I did this to myself. Giant POS.


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## David51 (Sep 12, 2017)

The one constant in all affairs is that the Spouse always finds out. 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

CH,

If you kissed another woman it's not safe to kiss your W or perform oral on her since you might expose your W to whatever HPV virus the OW has.

HPV causes mouth tongue and other oral cancers so please don't put your W health at risk.

HPV risks | Mouth Cancer Foundation

Tamat


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## David Darling (Oct 22, 2016)

There's going to be a lot of posts disagreeing with me, but why tell her?

You're human, you ****ed up. Own it. Learn from it.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

David Darling said:


> There's going to be a lot of posts disagreeing with me, but why tell her?
> 
> You're human, you ****ed up. Own it. Learn from it.


Sigh....

So you endorse dishonesty in marriage. Got it.


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## crappyhusband85 (Oct 28, 2017)

Contracting an STD from kissing is quite low... It's not on my radar. The last thing I want to do is transmit something to her.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

1) If you keep quiet, what is the worst thing that could happen?
2) If you fess up, what is the worst thing that could happen?

The second question's answer is instant lightning. Your ass will be set ablaze.
The first question's answer is, if someone blabs on you. Your ass will be set ablaze.

The second answer is a sure thing. Bring a fire extinguisher.
The first answer is a maybe. Not a sure thing. People will likely keep quiet.

From here on out, walk a straight line. Stay away from these other cheater/troublemakers. But do not piss any of them off. They may rat on you in retaliation.
And hope.

And hope the people on the other side of the veil do not like the smeil of barbeque.
The smell of Rump Roast, your burning flesh.

I feel sorry for your wife. Shame. Every time these men look at you or your wife, they will inwardly smirk. Good job, NOT.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

Dude, you got toxic friends.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

toblerone said:


> Dude, you got toxic friends.


Yeah, you and your friends are lacking in the honor department.

If my H did what you did and I later discovered that everyone knew but me, I'd consider divorce on those grounds alone. How humiliating for her.


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## David Darling (Oct 22, 2016)

3putt said:


> Sigh....
> 
> So you endorse dishonesty in marriage. Got it.


What is the motivation for telling? Is there a case that telling could do more harm to the _wife and the relationship_ than keeping quiet? Is telling a form of cowardice where she is now forced to deal with his guilt?


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

David Darling said:


> What is the motivation for telling? Is there a case that telling could do more harm to the _wife and the relationship_ than keeping quiet? Is telling a form of cowardice where she is now forced to deal with his guilt?


She wouldn't be forced to deal with his guilt. She would be empowered with the knowledge of who she is really married to and make an informed decision on what is best for her in light of these revelations.

If you can't get that simple little fact then I don't know what to say.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

David Darling said:


> There's going to be a lot of posts disagreeing with me, but why tell her?
> 
> You're human, you ****ed up. Own it. Learn from it.


There’s no way to “own it” without copping to it.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

David Darling said:


> What is the motivation for telling? Is there a case that telling could do more harm to the _wife and the relationship_ than keeping quiet? Is telling a form of cowardice where she is now forced to deal with his guilt?


She deserves to know.

It really is just as simple as that.


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## happy2gether (Dec 6, 2015)

honestly, ALWAYS. 

Man up, tell her and deal with the consequences. It probably won't be pretty, but tell her exactly what you told us. You got lost in the moment and you wanted to do it. No reason why, and that you are kicking yourself for even thinking it, let alone for the kissing /touchy-feely that went on. 

Then get back to work rebuilding her trust. from now on, ask HER to come out with you even if it is just to someone's house. if she can't go, then stay home yourself. 

Oh, and if your friends are going to around a lot I would recommend telling them to own up to it when asked. Tell them you have told her, and she knows they know so the worst thing they can do is lie. Not only is going to not trust them anymore, but she will think you still are not telling her everything even if you are.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

As someone who was cheated on, I too thought if I divorced my next relationship would suffer. Oh I will carry over some fears of being cheated on again, but in therapy I've found I'll be ok on my own. Becoming healthy to this point is actually a very good feeling, no longer do I fear if my marriage ends in divorce. With that said, I suspect your wife is in need of IC, accusations of you cheating when you hadn't before are evidence of that. 

Telling her will make her hyper sensitive of the past, but you can offer for your wife to find a polygraph examiner to exonerate yourself. True, what you have done is bad, and you need to take a serious look at your boundaries, or lack thereof. I would recommend that you also partake in IC to learn to understand why you did what you did. Having several opportunities to stop, but didn't, is a sign your self esteem was fed by this OW. Not knowing how far you would have gone should have you scared. 

I say to tell your wife so she can make an honest choice about her marriage. Don't let her live a lie, she deserves better then that. Best of luck to you.


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## crappyhusband85 (Oct 28, 2017)

She deserves a better husband. She didn't deserve to be cheated on. She doesn't deserve to feel more poorly about herself and have more trust problems because of what I did. Telling her feels like it has more overall risks than not telling her. If I don't tell her, yes there is a chance that she could find out some other way. I know it won't be from my friends. I don't like keeping things from my wife, we have always tried to be open with each other. I don't know how I would look at her and tell her what I did. I ruined everything, for nothing. I always told myself that this is not how this marriage would turn out. At times it feels like walking away and letting her find someone better is what is deserved, but that feels cowardly, and the thought of losing her... no. 

The problems we have always had with inviting her when I'm going out with friends is that we have kids, who need to be watched and she doesn't trust anyone with them. Also, she doesn't like my friends and doesn't enjoy being around them. She probably sees them 1-3 times a year, one of them she just met. Which shocked everyone. She doesn't go out a lot. 

If I tell her, how do I do it the best way possible? I know there is no good way. I don't want to hurt her more than she has already been hurt. I guess I deserve that, but it shouldn't be at her expense. It feels like it would be easier if she didn't have "hang ups" with cheating already. She will never trust me again. Or anyone else. I spent years trying to get her to trust me. I won't say we've had a perfect marriage but it's not something I want to lose either.


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## David Darling (Oct 22, 2016)

GusPolinski said:


> She deserves to know.
> 
> It really is just as simple as that.


Not really. It's not simple at all.

https://www.healthista.com/should-i-confess-my-affair/

https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/honesty-infidelity-affair-marriage-survival-0627124

Affair honesty 'very risky'

The OP may conclude his best option is to 'fess up, but it's naive to say it's a simple decision.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

David51 said:


> The one constant in all affairs is that the Spouse always finds out.


Not true. Only about 50% of affairs are ever found about by the betrayed spouse.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

crappyhusband85 said:


> She deserves a better husband. She didn't deserve to be cheated on. She doesn't deserve to feel more poorly about herself and have more trust problems because of what I did. Telling her feels like it has more overall risks than not telling her. If I don't tell her, yes there is a chance that she could find out some other way. I know it won't be from my friends. I don't like keeping things from my wife, we have always tried to be open with each other. I don't know how I would look at her and tell her what I did. I ruined everything, for nothing. I always told myself that this is not how this marriage would turn out. At times it feels like walking away and letting her find someone better is what is deserved, but that feels cowardly, and the thought of losing her... no.
> 
> The problems we have always had with inviting her when I'm going out with friends is that we have kids, who need to be watched and she doesn't trust anyone with them. Also, she doesn't like my friends and doesn't enjoy being around them. She probably sees them 1-3 times a year, one of them she just met. Which shocked everyone. She doesn't go out a lot.
> 
> If I tell her, how do I do it the best way possible? I know there is no good way. I don't want to hurt her more than she has already been hurt. I guess I deserve that, but it shouldn't be at her expense. It feels like it would be easier if she didn't have "hang ups" with cheating already. She will never trust me again. Or anyone else. I spent years trying to get her to trust me. I won't say we've had a perfect marriage but it's not something I want to lose either.


Marriage counselors are about 50/50 split on this... there are two schools of thought.

One school of thought is to not tell. That the only reason for telling it to dump your own guilt on your spouse. That telling them only serves to hurt them. So live it the secret and spend the rest of your life being a better husband and treating her better than you ever have. For example you would need to give those friends and your drinking with them.

The other school of thought is that you have to tell her. That the betrayed spouse deserves to know the truth. You would have to answer all of her questions truthfully. There is a chance that your marriage would survive, but no guarantee. More than half of marriages survive infidelity. The idea is that it's never good to have a secret of that magnitude in a marriage because lies/secrets usually put a huge wedge between a couple. The belief is that over time you will build an emotional wall between you and your wife. I don't know if that really happens. The concept is called "Radical Honesty". 

People on this site will push you to tell your wife. Most people here believe that it's the only acceptable way to handle this sort of situation. 

I've probably been cheated on more than anyone on this site. As a betrayed spouse, I can tell you that knowing he truth has hurt me in ways that altered my outlook on life, perhaps even my personality. It's a horrible thing to go through. Now, I think that what you did is pretty mild compared to an all out, long term affair. It's bad, but....

In your case, I think that not telling her is probably a good idea. 

Have you considered going to see a counselor to work through this and arrive at your decision about telling her or not?

The Policy of Radical Honesty


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

David Darling said:


> Not really. It's not simple at all.
> 
> https://www.healthista.com/should-i-confess-my-affair/
> 
> ...


Blah blah blah.

She deserves to know.

It IS that simple.

She deserves the right to make an informed decision with respect to whether or not she wants to continue in marriage with a husband who has broken his vows of fidelity, and is therefore all the more likely to do so again.

Post all the links you like — it doesn’t change a thing, because any advice that runs counter to doing what’s right from this point forward is nothing but a bunch of bull**** designed to distract from the very real possibility that she may choose to divorce — as if it’s a given that she’ll choose to stay in the marriage no matter what, so she might as well remain ignorant, lest she go full bore shrew and make his life miserable.

You’re also forgetting that one of OP’s friends might wind up dropping a dime on him, so he might as well show some character and get out in front of it.

Taking accountability for his actions — or “owning it”, as you might say — will also significantly decrease the possibility that he’ll repeat them.


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## Anthony Wellers (Jul 29, 2017)

crappyhusband85 said:


> *To some people* it could be seen as "ok, it was just a kiss, some quick touching, that's not too bad.


Unfortunately, this is too true. We don't all have the same moral standards.



> She deserves a better husband. She didn't deserve to be cheated on. She doesn't deserve to feel more poorly about herself and have more trust problems because of what I did. Telling her feels like it has more overall risks than not telling her. If I don't tell her, yes there is a chance that she could find out some other way. I know it won't be from my friends. I don't like keeping things from my wife, we have always tried to be open with each other. I don't know how I would look at her and tell her what I did. I ruined everything, for nothing. I always told myself that this is not how this marriage would turn out. At times it feels like walking away and letting her find someone better is what is deserved, but that feels cowardly, and the thought of losing her... no.


I'm on the side of "you f**ked up, so fess up".

Partially agree with @EleGirl. Some people would rather live in blissful ignorance, others have keen instincts and "know" when something is wrong. Can you keep your poker face for the rest of your relationship?



> It feels like it would be easier if she didn't have "hang ups"


(Really? Interesting choice of words!)


> with cheating already. She will never trust me again. Or anyone else. I spent years trying to get her to trust me. I won't say we've had a perfect marriage but it's not something I want to lose either.


Oh dear! Sounds like you cheated on the wrong person.

You're not playing poker any more, you're playing craps. Roll the dice...


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

This is a no-brainer:

1) You come clean with your spouse. If she hears about this--and many people witnessed it so it's out there--than you will be in deeper trouble and it will be so much harder to rebuild trust. Trust is one of the most important elements in a relationship. Hiding the truth is a trust-buster. Furthermore, for the betrayed spouse, lies and deception are almost as hard as the betrayal of giving oneself to another person. It is easier to forgive someone who comes forth honestly, shows remorse, and takes action to compensate the betrayed spouse for the betrayal, then someone who never confesses and covers up the transgression. Reconciliation and recover require confession, asking for forgiving, receiving forgiveness, and atonement. 

2) You have very poor boundaries, and this will happen again if you don't eliminate them. You should never be in a bar with friends of mixed gender without your wife because you have proven what you are capable of doing. Any situation where you are in intimate conversation with the opposite sex is a no no. Even the workplace has a lot of traps that one must put up boundaries to protect themselves from infidelity. Opposite sex friendships where one-on-one time is spent together should be off limits. If you don't establish proper boundaries then you are danger to your wife.

When are you going to tell your wife the truth she deserves to know, and what will be your strategy for establishing and enforcing boundaries in the future?


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> Not true. Only about 50% of affairs are ever found about by the betrayed spouse.


I've herd this also but do not think there could be anyway of knowing how many get cought or not.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

You ready for harshness? OK, here goes...

Stop making lame excuses. "It just happened" or "I don't know why I did/said that" just doesn't fly with anyone but maybe your toxic friends. There is a *reason* you did every single thing you did, and never mind the alcohol, that was just the ingredient needed to lower your inhibitions.

The deeds were still yours, and you did them all for a reason. And if you can look deep inside, that reason is a common one.

*Because you wanted to.*

Instead of convincing yourself "it just happened" or whatever other consoling excuse you want to use to unburden your conscience, why don't you admit to your own self the actual truth? That would be a good start. 

Do you have any children?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Here is my question:

Is your WIFE one of those who would want you to come forth, to hear what will CRUSH her, basically she wants "radical honesty"... she will respect this more so and it's a value of hers...obviously this will punch her in the gut and she will question everything, be VERY HURT and VERY ANGRY with you...YOU WILL BE IN THE DOGHOUSE for a time ... but still she would WANT TO KNOW?

OR... is she one who would prefer to live in blissful ignorance ? 

I understand people are different here and sometimes it may be best to not go there... Shouldn't we, at the very least, RESPECT how the other feels on this, what they want & expect from us ?? 

Please give her this respect ... How we fare in the aftermath should be secondary....which it sounds it already is with you...YOU are thinking of her primarily in this. 

... Personally I am a Radical Honesty type person and do not believe I could live with someone who didn't give me the same... I can not express how much more angry, pissed off and hell there would be the pay if I found something like this out through someone else, after the fact ...while my spouse allowed me to believe we were so "perfect"... that's bull sh**... the trust would forever be gone... 

HOWEVER in the same breath, I understand we are all HUMAN .. sometimes are damn stupid too... we may get caught up in a moment...a lapse of judgement... this could have went further...*but it didn't*... 

I feel you are standing at a crossroads right here with this ... if you choose NOT to come forth with honesty , and bare your heart, you may find it easier to keep little things from your wife down the road.. thinking "Oh it's Ok, I am only protecting her"... slowly your intimacy, and vulnerability with each other takes a hit, as there are hidden secrets.... or you & she could OPEN this up, there will be tears....she may throw something at you... I don't know...you will humble yourself before her, you have this opportunity to show her how what you have done has torn you up inside, you hate yourself for it.. you would do anything to take it back and you have learned from it...this is very very vulnerable ...

Hopefully she will see that your coming to her, bearing your heart -that such honesty is like building a bridge....even from something broken, that needs repaired...Trust coming from this will be stronger than if she EVER found out from another down the road.. that will forever be tarnished beyond repair..

I did a thread on Transparency yrs ago here... I will copy & paste a section that explains where I am coming from ....responding to your dilemma .... again this is obviously from a "Radical Honesty" perspective... 



> This is about being * Genuinely Authentic*, NO MASKS.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

I agree with @EleGirl and am not going to rehash that point. 

I will say that the part with which I would have the biggest problem is finding out that you hang out with friends knowing they cheat on their wives/gfs. Personally, I would have to question your integrity and honesty as you continue to engage with people of such low moral character.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Your friends are pure trash.

Dump them and try to save your marriage.

Sounds like your crowd definitely sets the tone for cheating and you are part of it.

There is a huge gap in intimacy when stuff like this is withheld from your spouse.

It wasn't horrible but your guilt is messing up your marriage and will continue to.

BTW. The one friend that stopped you might be a keeper?

Stop going out bar hopping. Your a married father. Start acting like one.

Work on yourself and talk to her.

Be brave and humble.

You can do it.


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## David51 (Sep 12, 2017)

So you feel bad for kissing another woman and had lust in your heart. A friend stopped this before it went further......is that it? Oh and you are kinda blaming alcohol as you aren’t a big drinker. If this was a full blown affair then the wife would figure it out by your actions but it isn’t. The only thing you will accomplish by telling her is that you will break her heart. Keep your mouth shut, put this behind you. Next time you see a sexy woman and have that hungry all over feeling, remember how your wife would feel if she found out. If someone else should tell her, if I were you I’d be working on a convincing lie and I’d stick to it regardless of what anyone else says. We all love our SO and she will want to believe you and will.
However by reading your post you sound really sorry and miserable and Misery loves company. My guess is you will tell her IMO that is a terribly selfish thing to do 
So Shut the F*** Up. Don’t listen to the “There has to be complete honesty in marriage”. David Darrling is right learn from your mistake.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

If there was no chance of me finding out, and this was the only instance? I wouldn’t want to know.

Once you know, you can’t UNknow.

But that better come with a complete change on how you approach the marriage as well. Different friends, no going out to bars and partying, and I better be cherished every day for the rest of my life. Are you up for that?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

David51 said:


> So you feel bad for kissing another woman and had lust in your heart. A friend stopped this before it went further......is that it? Oh and you are kinda blaming alcohol as you aren’t a big drinker. If this was a full blown affair then the wife would figure it out by your actions but it isn’t. The only thing you will accomplish by telling her is that you will break her heart. Keep your mouth shut, put this behind you. Next time you see a sexy woman and have that hungry all over feeling, remember how your wife would feel if she found out. If someone else should tell her, if I were you I’d be working on a convincing lie and I’d stick to it regardless of what anyone else says. We all love our SO and she will want to believe you and will.
> However by reading your post you sound really sorry and miserable and Misery loves company. My guess is you will tell her IMO that is a terribly selfish thing to do
> So Shut the F*** Up. Don’t listen to the “There has to be complete honesty in marriage”. David Darrling is right learn from your mistake.
> 
> ...


Sure thing captain brilliant.

I just love posters that say don't listen to anyone who disagrees with me.

Pretty low brow and a loser argument.

I can make my point without telling OP to ignore yours but you apparently lack some resources upstairs.

You aren't the only one that has done this but it is so ignorant that it deserves some note.

I encourage OP to think about everything he is told.

Peace.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

crappyhusband85 said:


> She deserves a better husband. She didn't deserve to be cheated on. She doesn't deserve to feel more poorly about herself and have more trust problems because of what I did. Telling her feels like it has more overall risks than not telling her. If I don't tell her, yes there is a chance that she could find out some other way. I know it won't be from my friends. I don't like keeping things from my wife, we have always tried to be open with each other. I don't know how I would look at her and tell her what I did. I ruined everything, for nothing. I always told myself that this is not how this marriage would turn out. At times it feels like walking away and letting her find someone better is what is deserved, but that feels cowardly, and the thought of losing her... no.
> 
> The problems we have always had with inviting her when I'm going out with friends is that we have kids, who need to be watched and she doesn't trust anyone with them. Also, she doesn't like my friends and doesn't enjoy being around them. She probably sees them 1-3 times a year, one of them she just met. Which shocked everyone. She doesn't go out a lot.
> 
> If I tell her, how do I do it the best way possible? I know there is no good way. I don't want to hurt her more than she has already been hurt. I guess I deserve that, but it shouldn't be at her expense. It feels like it would be easier if she didn't have "hang ups" with cheating already. She will never trust me again. Or anyone else. I spent years trying to get her to trust me. I won't say we've had a perfect marriage but it's not something I want to lose either.


Whether you tell her or not, this incident has already changed the dynamic of your marriage...you are now no longer completely open with each other.

Your wife does not, and never has liked your friends...smart wife you have there. They are liars and cheaters. Perhaps you should have taken a clue from your wife and gottenn new friends a long time ago.

She will never trust you again, and had a difficult time getting to the point of trusting you in the first place. You have proven her trust to be misplaced in you.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

You got the TAM answer, ad Nauseum.

Mine?
Cryptic, no.

I left it up to OP! 
He needs to decide. 
If he wants to stay married he keeps silent.
If he wants a divorce, he confesses.

My ass has it's own scars, from Tiger slashes, a few gashes.
Not from infidelity. 

From.....for...just because.

Just because my ass always hangs out there. 
In defiance of Earthlings.

On Mars, I am common.
Commonly placed.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> In your case, I think that not telling her is probably a good idea.


I will be 'radically' honest here.

I was never going to address you again, speak to you again.

My stiff spine has been loosened.

Good Post, Dear.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

crappyhusband85 said:


> I'm not going to blame shift or give 1001 excuses for cheating. I did it. It is 100% on me. I know I deserve whatever comes of this. This isn’t a position I ever thought I’d find myself back in.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




You got drunk in a bar, kissed another woman and she touched your pipi through the trousers? 
I wouldn’t go as far as calling it cheating though in theory, it probably was.

I wouldn’t tell the wife. You did an idiotic thing but not idiotic enough to break a marriage up (and she will probably leave you or not look at you the same way, ever). I think in those kinds of situation it would actually be a selfish thing to do to tell the wife. Carry the guilt and try to be a better husband next time...If you had an affair and were going to leave her, then it’s a different story. 
Yes I know, this advice is not going to go down well. Try not to get drunk and do stupid things next time. What else can one say.



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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

3putt said:


> She wouldn't be forced to deal with his guilt. She would be empowered with the knowledge of who she is really married to and make an informed decision on what is best for her in light of these revelations.
> 
> 
> 
> If you can't get that simple little fact then I don't know what to say.




This is also not going to go down well but....My wife told me on a few separate occasions that if I ever fell victim to the ‘fresh ***** urge syndrome’ she would be ok if I went for it, as long as it did not involve feelings and as long as I would make sure she was never to find out. She was quite explicit about the last part.

I don’t know if she meant it or what the hell she was thinking at all in that moment but I would never want to take the chance...I’m a single ***** kind of guy (so far. Quite literally, I never had sex with anyone else apart from her so I have no idea what other pussies look like in RL. That’s how this conversation came up in the first place 🤦🏽*♂.

She is very smart like that: i think she knows it is less likely to happen if she doesn’t create the impression that I’m on a short leash. Or maybe she meant it...no idea.

I said to her that if she ever felt curious about other ****s, she better make sure that I find out. So that I can cut his **** off and give her a good spanking afterwards.

Long story short...the right thing to do is to tell her, people are correct in this respect. But it’s not always right, to do the right thing.
Just try not to do more stupid things.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

crappyhusband85 said:


> She deserves a better husband. She didn't deserve to be cheated on. She doesn't deserve to feel more poorly about herself and have more trust problems because of what I did. Telling her feels like it has more overall risks than not telling her. If I don't tell her, yes there is a chance that she could find out some other way. I know it won't be from my friends. I don't like keeping things from my wife, we have always tried to be open with each other. I don't know how I would look at her and tell her what I did. I ruined everything, for nothing. I always told myself that this is not how this marriage would turn out. At times it feels like walking away and letting her find someone better is what is deserved, but that feels cowardly, and the thought of losing her... no.
> 
> 
> 
> The problems we have always had with inviting her when I'm going out with friends is that we have kids, who need to be watched and she doesn't trust anyone with them. Also, she doesn't like my friends and doesn't enjoy being around them. She probably sees them 1-3 times a year, one of them she just met. Which shocked everyone. She doesn't go out a lot.




Why not be a ‘good husband’ and look after the kids in the evenings yourself once in a while instead so that she can go out and ‘make an informed choice’ herself of who she wants to ****. Let this thought linger for a while and see how that feels.

But seriously: you should not be clubbing out with friends when your wife is slaving away with the kids. Help her out or get a babysitter (who she can trust - it’s possible) and go out together. You are not 16 anymore (I presume). 

If you tell her, she will most likely leave you. If you don’t get your **** together, she will leave you anyway because you will one day end up cheating properly.

Interesting that it’s usually women/betrayed spouses who say they wouldn’t want to know if their husband did something like this. I would listen.




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## David51 (Sep 12, 2017)

ConanHub said:


> Sure thing captain brilliant.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



No problem, you are entitled to your opinion but I am still right....


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

crappyhusband85,
You need to tell her. Let me run a scenario by you that you may not have considered. You already know that all of your friends are cheaters, so what happens when one of them sets his sights on your wife? You already know marriage vows mean nothing to them. So how easy would it be for one of them to do a little flirting soften your wife up and then tell her about your little escapade to close the deal. She gets instant revenge, your friend gets his piece of 'strange' and you are the cheating husband who kept it from his wife, was cheated on and still has to answer to what you did. I would not give your friends the benefit of the doubt on this. Out of ten cheaters, I'd expect a few would be up for it.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
Your issue seems to be a limited ability to process information and to make rational decisions. The cognitive dissonance you are experiencing is due to this limitation. You have friends that you associate with that you have known since grade school and it would appear that your mental growth has progressed little since that time. You indicated that all of your friends have cheated on their SOs and now you have joined their ranks. A near text book example of association breeding assimilation. People of your limited intellect should not associate with those that are similarly limited as there is no stabilizing factor present.

The way to correct this imbalance is to limit your contact with these people and to focus more time on your W and family thereby shifting your assimilation probability to a more acceptable model. You mentioned you wife deserving a better man and I agree and if that man is to be found inside you then you must eliminate all of the toxic "friends" that you now cling to. You must grow beyond them and become what your W and children need. Your continuing to place yourself in these situations, with these friends, has now put you in a difficult position and if you persist, you will in all likelihood lose your marriage.

It is far past the time for you to face this reality and make a mature decision to concentrate on your family. This will mean finding new friends that are more closely aligned with your desired future. Association with these people has led you here and it is now up to you to decide if this is the path you want to follow.

As to disclosing this to your W or not I simply would ask you this question. You stated that your W did not deserve to be cheated on. Does she deserve to be lied to? The answer to that is the answer to your question.

Should you decide that she does not deserve to be lied to then I would suggest that you make a quiet time in the very near future to sit down with her and explain the situation, both how it happened and how you plan to assure that it will never happen again. Be prepared to face the gamut of her emotions from fear and anger to betrayal and loss. Support her as she processes this information and continue to assure her of your plan to guarantee nonrecurrence. Then be absolutely sure to follow through with definitive actions.

Lastly, I am sometimes told that I present bluntly, which I reluctantly acknowledge as I see very little need to "sugar coat" the truth especially when addressing adults. As a result of this I am sometimes called insulting and "mean". It is not my intent to be either as I see nothing insulting nor mean about disclosing the truth so that an individual can understand their situation and modify their behavior in order to avoid further hardship. If you do not consider your actions to be those of a person of limited cognitive abilities then I am certainly open to any argument you would offer as to how your actions were carefully thought out and purposefully executed to bring about a positive outcome. Lacking any such rebuttal, it would certainly seem prudent for you to insulate yourself from as many negative influences as are within your control. I wish you good fortune.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

chillymorn69 said:


> I've herd this also but do not think there could be anyway of knowing how many get cought or not.


There are studies asking people if they cheated. And then they ask if their spouse is aware of that they cheated. After asking thousands of people, the researchers get a good idea of the norms in society.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Stay right away from these so called 'friends', and stop going out drinking.


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## Anthony Wellers (Jul 29, 2017)

ConanHub said:


> BTW. The one friend that stopped you might be a keeper?


Yes!


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Are friends supposed to be baby sitting him? Why is it friends’ responsibilities to make sure he acts like a worthy human being?
It was OP’s description that his friends were ‘fine’ with it. We don’t actually know how ‘fine’ they really were. Typical blame shifting.


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