# I am startng an EA



## troy (Jan 30, 2011)

I have learned so much from this forum over the past months, and I have read the pain of those going through EA/PA, but against my better judgement, I am starting an EA.

I have read about the fog that hovers over someone in an affair, and its real, believe me. I am experiencing it right now and, if I did not learn about it from this forum, I would not have know what was happening to me.

The loneliness and lack of affection finally took its toll, and the opportunity to fill this need presented itself, and I took it. Although I am going through an in house separation, I did not want to do this because I am violating my own boundary, but, emotions ruled, and I surrendered.

The feelings are undescribeable. I feel alive. I have not felt this alive in... like forever. I know I am playing with fire, but this is the reality. I hope there is a good ending to this. Right now I cannot see beyond today, so I am taking this one day at a time.

This sh** we have to go through with losing the one we love is pure hell. Having an affair is the worst way to escape, but its a drug, and like most drugs, it feels good at the time, but you end up paying the price for using it, one way or the other. God help us all....


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

troy: Think, really think what you are doing. You are hurting yourself because you are putting off the pain for a later day. And it will come back if you don't deal with it. It will come back in your next relationship and so on...

Don't you want a healthy relationship down the road? How can you really know great joy if you haven't experienced profound sadness?

Why rob yourself of these important feelings? Even if they don't feel good, you will be a much richer person for them.

I know you didn't ask for advice but I am giving it anyway. All of my life I have always had rebounds. Always. This time I chose not to. It was available but I didn't do it. I said I am going to go through this pain, come hell or high water because in the end I will be stronger, more empathetic and have a lot more to offer the next SO.

Well, it is your choice: growth or stagnation


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## troy (Jan 30, 2011)

Sparkles, you are soooo right. As I type this I am chatting with her and it just feels soooo good. I will think about what you wrote allot and reply soon. Thanks so much for your advice. I know you know my story so I really appreciate you looking out for me..


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

@ Troy will all need a little positive reinforcement ;o) I would not suggest meeting up with your new friend until you are truly available to give her your best. She might really deserve it ;o)


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## Giulietta (Apr 21, 2011)

Troy, I think I have been doing the same thing. But I see it as a gift. I was feeling suicidal then this beautiful person came and talked and shared with me and I felt hope again. I dont think it is such a bad thing as long as you are not supressing your feelings. You have to let your self feel the extent of the pain of the loss of your marriage, recognise it, honour it and let it go. But it can get confusing and contradictory to feel such intense pain and love all at once. What defines it as an EA? No one has declared feelings or anything in mine because I wont let it go there, so thats okay isnt it? Just talking and getting to know each other.


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## troy (Jan 30, 2011)

Sparkles422 said:


> troy: Think, really think what you are doing. You are hurting yourself because you are putting off the pain for a later day. And it will come back if you don't deal with it. It will come back in your next relationship and so on...
> 
> Don't you want a healthy relationship down the road? How can you really know great joy if you haven't experienced profound sadness?
> 
> Why rob yourself of these important feelings? Even if they don't feel good, you will be a much richer person for them.


I also prefer to wait until this relationship is over before moving on. I have learned so much over the past year that I want to bring to my next relationship. I have already suffered deep pain in this relationship, I doubt it can get worse, but only time will tell. Hopefully, she moves out in about 2 months, and then it will finally be over.

I spoke with my friend last night, actually all day and tilll 2:00 am this morning. We have been getting close over the past few days, and she wants to make it physical, and me too. However, after reading your post, I started thinking more about what was happening, and I knew it was too soon, and I am not quite ready for that.

So, I tried to communicate this to her, and it did not go well. She is also married in a dead realationship. She is sleeping in a separate bedroom for the pasts 14 years. I could only imagine the horror.
I told her we should go slow since we are both still married. She was already getting emotionally attached to me, and she was very hurt when I asked her to slow down. I was not happy myself. But, after a few hours of very intimate conversation about the scars in our lives, we were able to move past that point and agreed to be friends without emotional attachments.
Her need for physical intimacy is strong, and she still wants to get physical without getting emotionally attached, and I agreed.

This may not be a good idea, because I feel its easy to get emotionally attached once we get physical. I had a history of sometimes not knowing the difference between physical love and emotional love. I dont expect anything to happen soon since its a long distance relationship. But its a small world, and a plane ticket and a long weekend can happen easily.

I told her I would prefer to wait until I am physically separated, before getting involved with her. She is not planning to leave her husband right now, so I know this will not be a healthy relationship if we do get together. I would really hate to leave a bad relationship only to start an unhealthy, so I am a bit lost right now.

Thanks for the love sparkles...


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## troy (Jan 30, 2011)

Giulietta said:


> Troy, I think I have been doing the same thing. But I see it as a gift. I was feeling suicidal then this beautiful person came and talked and shared with me and I felt hope again. I dont think it is such a bad thing as long as you are not supressing your feelings. You have to let your self feel the extent of the pain of the loss of your marriage, recognise it, honour it and let it go. But it can get confusing and contradictory to feel such intense pain and love all at once. What defines it as an EA? No one has declared feelings or anything in mine because I wont let it go there, so thats okay isnt it? Just talking and getting to know each other.


She make me feel alive for the 1st time in years. I was so used to being down and depressed, it became my new normal. I dont feel like I am surpressing my bad feelings, but I sure forget about them when I am with her. I am prepared to go through the pain of ending my marriage. The thing is it has been over for years now but we are still living together. So the dragging has taken its toll on me, and last year I went into depression. I am better now and that is why I want this to be over so bad.

We are on the verge of having an EA because we both expressed an interest in getting both emotional and physical. Basically we are both on the verge of falling in love. As I just posted, last night I asked her to slow down and she was very hurt, but agreed. So just friends for now and we will see what happens after a couple of months.


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## troy (Jan 30, 2011)

hesnothappy said:


> @ Troy will all need a little positive reinforcement ;o) I would not suggest meeting up with your new friend until you are truly available to give her your best. She might really deserve it ;o)


She has been in a horrible marriage for the past 15 years. So she certainly deserves the best I have to offer. I cannot offer her my best right now so we agreed to slow down.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

She wants to get physical without getting emotionally attached yet you're having an emotional affair? She doesn't sound too bright.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> She wants to get physical without getting emotionally attached yet you're having an emotional affair?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree. If it were to get physical it would be too late to get emotionally unattached. You've crossed that line already.


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## troy (Jan 30, 2011)

caughtdreaming said:


> I agree. If it were to get physical it would be too late to get emotionally unattached. You've crossed that line already.


That is what I was concerned about. Can we get physical without getting emotionally attached?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Irrelevant. You are already emotionally attached. You are deluding yourself thinking that sex will make things better or the same.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## troy (Jan 30, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Irrelevant. You are already emotionally attached. You are deluding yourself thinking that sex will make things better or the same.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You are right about one thing Jellybeans, I am already emotionally attached. It only took one weekend. The sex will not help anything, but it sure would make me feel sooo good for the moment. I have not felt good in too long, that this why this is so tempting. 

I had mentally decided I would not allow this EA to progress, but today when I spoke to her, the opposite happened. Sometimes the mind takes a backseat to the heart, I know sometimes that is not the right thing to do, but it happens anyway, case in point.

I am pretty sure the physical distance will keep us from turning this into a PA, and hopefully the mind will take control and stop the heart from making a big mistake. Its a battle between the mind and the heart, and I dont know which one would win... we will see soon enough...


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

troy said:


> We have been getting close over the past few days, and she wants to make it physical, and me too... *She is also married...She is not planning to leave her husband right now, so I know this will not be a healthy relationship if we do get together. I would really hate to leave a bad relationship only to start an unhealthy, so I am a bit lost right now*


*How can you trust your heart to a woman who would cheat on her husband only for sex on the side?*


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## troy (Jan 30, 2011)

morituri said:


> *How can you trust your heart to a woman who would cheat on her husband only for sex on the side?*


Point taken...


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## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

troy said:


> Point taken...


Hmm...sorry troy. I know you like this woman and you feel you have a connection with her but she is married and said she doesn't have plans to leave her husband yet. Even though you and your W are done with your relationship, you are still married too. It's not a good idea at all to start a PA or even continue with the EA right now. You know that yourself.

If your just talking to her as a friend that's great, its good to have friends, but I think it's in both your best interests to keep it as friends. (For now at least).


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Troy, this woman seems very attractive to you right now because of what is going on in your personal life. So she is feeding your ego, saying all the right things, making your heart skip a little beat.

You have to look at this objectively: you are still married and going through a divorce/living with your wife now--SHE is married and very much with her husband.

Read that over again and imagine it's your best friend and some woman he met online (or in person).

What would you advise them? 

You would tell him to back off, that it's too much drama.

Yeah I know you don't want to end it cause it FEELS good, like a high, a drug, like your drunk on win, but the reality is--doing the right thing sucks sometimes. If you act on your affair even further, it wouldn't make your current situation go away.

Don't replace one problem with a new one. 

Handle your marriage/divorce first and then go off and get twitterpated like in Bambi (with someone single).


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Troy, you are getting a taste of what life will be like when you have finally put your divorce behind you, and it is good! But like others say be careful where you are headed right now, this is a married woman and she too is in the fog so who knows what her situation really is like, she probably wants to keep her H around as a backup and probably still depends on him for many of her needs. 

I know you both have a high desire for physical intimacy, but you will survive without it for awhile. If I were you I'd cool it and ask your new lady friend to as well, atleast until your divorce is over, keep NC with her so that she has a chance to get out of the fog, then when she is clear, and if she decides to get out of her marriage perhaps there is a future with her, but right now you are both just rushing into this without being able to comprehend the consequences.


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## troy (Jan 30, 2011)

Yea, I agree. Emotions have been stirred up and its not going away. Soooo, I wanted some so bad last night I asked my wife for some. She said no, but fortunately that's all she said. So hopefully that is the end of that conversation.

I dont plan to go any furthur with the EA, and definately no PA. I will back off, and we already agreed to be friends.

We both know we are in a no win situation, so in a few days I think we will get back to reality and just be friends. Its a long distance relationship after all, so the distance will help to keep us apart, even if we still wanted to get together.

I need to be the responsible one here. I know my marriage is over, but hers is not. It would be wrong of me to enter the picture and get between her and her husband.

I am chatting with her on another site as I write this post. She just told me she and her husband has problems, but she still loves him. That is enough for me. So I will definately back off and just be friends. Our conversation has been very spicy so far, so I will have to cool it down allot.

This really sucks but I know its the right thing to do. I would not want another man to do this to me, so I wont do it to him.


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## troy (Jan 30, 2011)

Now I'm giving her advice about how to make her marriage better. Like some of the things I have learned from this site. How crazy is that ????? One minute we are having an EA, and possible PA, then the next minute its over and I am telling her what to do to make her marriage better. Oh well. That is how f***ed up this emotional stuff is.... I think I need a drink!


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Yeah its messed up, but I honestly don't think you are in a place to be giving out advice, as well meaning as you are. I'd give her a polite "good-bye and good luck", no contact and don't respond to any contact with her at least until your D is complete, and only if she has formally ended her M.

If you stick with this it will be a real testament to your character, but if you don't you are going to destroy any chance she has at saving her M, and interference will ultimately result in more resentment.


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## StartingAgain (Jun 29, 2011)

Troy, lots of great advice in this thread, heed it!


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

Your best bet would be to cut off contact with her so she can focus on her marriage, and you can focus on yourself.

Sweeping your problems of your M under the rug of a new relationship never works out.
Deal with your feelings. The hurt, the pain, the anger. Work through them so that hopefully one day you can have a healthy relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

DelinquentGurl said:


> Your best bet would be to cut off contact with her so she can focus on her marriage, and you can focus on yourself.
> 
> Sweeping your problems of your M under the rug of a new relationship never works out.
> Deal with your feelings. The hurt, the pain, the anger. Work through them so that hopefully one day you can have a healthy relationship.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:

For even if this woman was single and available, you still need time to emotionally heal before you are ready to start another relationship. Rebound relationships have a very bad track record.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

morituri said:


> For even if this woman was single and available, you still need time to emotionally heal before you are ready to start another relationship. Rebound relationships have a very bad track record.


Agreed. Going from a hot stove into a fire isn't a good idea. Ever.


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## troy (Jan 30, 2011)

Really appreciate all the advice from everyone from the bottom of my heart. 

We have been talking allot about where our relationship is going and its becoming clear that its not going anywhere. We are both in the fog right now. So far we have agreed to be friends and leave it at that for now. I told her I dont want to go any further now. I need to wait for a couple of months for things to change for me. Once I am physically separated from my wife, I consider my marriage over, and I will not wait for the divorce proceedings before moving on. 

I know its better to wait before I start fishing, but that is easier said than done, especially when its right in front of your face. So, right or wrong, I likely will get physical with someone, but my intent will be to not get emotionally attached. that sounds cold but there are many women out there that want the same thing, believe it or not, that's the fact.

Many people, me included, want physical intimacy without the emotional attachment. Usually its people like me that have been burned by love and want to stay as a far away from it as they can. Booty call is the technical term I believe.

I really want to wait at least until next year before I consider getting emotionally attached to someone. So that's the plan anyway. Lets see how the execution of the plan goes.. lol


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Well the thing is, post-divorce (for you) or not, she is still married.

So stop pursuing her and end all contact completely. If after your divorce you feel like dating, find someone unattached. 

She's married.

That fact doesn't change.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Troy, I tried doing what you propose (physical, no emotional relationship soon after separating). It didn't work well in my case, at least as far as the "no emotional" part went. Maybe you're wired differently than I am, though.

FWIW, I'm still very happy, and my GF and I have been able to support each other over the past few months. But I don't think it's been as healthy for me as staying totally clear would have been.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

PBear said:


> FWIW, I'm still very happy, and my GF and I have been able to support each other over the past few months. But I don't think it's been as healthy for me as staying totally clear would have been.


In what ways, Pbear?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> In what ways, Pbear?


There's a few things... I think if I wasn't in my current relationship, I MIGHT have considered the possibility of working on things with my stbxw. But that would likely have been based in loneliness, rather than truly thinking things could get better. I had also originally planned on working more on "me". Things I wanted to fix, hobbies and activities I wanted to develop, etc. But I've found that I have little time or energy to make that happen right now. And finally, with both if us recently coming out of LTR's, I don't give us good odds of making this last, because of the whole rebound thing. But we're coming up on 6 months, so this is already my longest relationship aside from my marriage.

On the other hand... I am truly happy, for the first time in years. Friends are noticing and commenting on it. My GF has done a wonderful job of rebuilding my self confidence and esteem. She's also been working in my wardrobe and style as well. . So overall, I think it's been a good thing. I wouldn't change it, anyway. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Thanks for sharing. You and I did the opposite type of thing post-separation. I'm always interested to see things from your POV so we can compare notes and sort of see how things are shaking out. Hehehe. I still haven't dated and have no desire to. You'd be surprised at how many people keep asking me when I will. 

Glad to hear you are happy


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I've had a number of people ask me directly, including some in the first two months of separating. My parents have been asking people around me if I'm seeing someone, like when my brother came to visit. They grilled him after, but he held up under the interrogation. . We're (my GF and I) keeping it very quiet, to the point we don't go out in public much. Right now my separation is very amicable, but I strongly suspect it would turn for the worse if my stbxw heard about my dating. It does put extra strain on us as a couple, I think, but we're surviving.

I wouldn't necessarily recommend my way, but it's worked so far for me. One of the issues is that up here, there's a mandatory 1 year separation period, even if you can agree on a settlement. Otherwise, I'd be divorced already. It made me less willing to even try to not date after separating. One of the reasons contributing to the failure of my marriage was the whole intimacy thing... So I felt like dealing with that early. . I just didn't expect the emotional connection so early. Which also worries me a bit... I don't want to lose myself in another relationship so quickly, I think...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## troy (Jan 30, 2011)

Jellybeans: Although I plan to take some time to work on me post separation/divorce, I cant see myself being alone for long. I just have this desire for female company and the other things that comes with the package.. (wink, wink). Maybe that will change when that time comes, but judging from what I want to do now, I doubt it.

Just curious though, why have you chosen not to date? Sorry if you alredy mentioned it another thread, I did not take the time to read all of your story; I did read some of it though.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Troy,

It's been shown time and again, that rebound relationships not only have a very short lifespan but they end up leaving the people involved badly hurt. 

Take some time after your divorce to enjoy living life as a single man. I can tell you from personal experience that once you do that, you'll be very choosy as to what kind of woman you allow to enter your life. Otherwise you may well end up repeating history and getting seriously involved with a woman very much like your STBXW. And I don't think you would like that very much, am I right?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Be careful.


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## troy (Jan 30, 2011)

morituri said:


> Troy,
> 
> It's been shown time and again, that rebound relationships not only have a very short lifespan but they end up leaving the people involved badly hurt.
> 
> Take some time after your divorce to enjoy living life as a single man. I can tell you from personal experience that once you do that, you'll be very choosy as to what kind of woman you allow to enter your life. Otherwise you may well end up repeating history and getting seriously involved with a woman very much like your STBXW. And I don't think you would like that very much, am I right?


Yes, you are right morituri. Right now I feel like letting practically any woman that even wink's at me into my life. I dont have the luxury of choosing for now. I know better though and I will take your advice and live as a single man for a while. This is actually a good experience for me and I will learn from it. Just as I have learned so much, and still am, from going through the process of a failed marriage. 

After the fog is lifted and I get back to reality with my new friend, I dont expect to put myself in this situation again anytime soon; fingers crossed.

However, moving from EA to "only friends" is proving to be difficult. We are chatting daily and last night's chat was still emotionally intense, even though it started a bit cooler than before. By the end we were feeling it again, and left me wanting. It will take a bit longer to back off, but I know this is what must happen and it will. When I think about what would happen if we pursued each other, I could not go through with it. There will be too many people getting hurt, including us.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

troy said:


> Just curious though, why have you chosen not to date? Sorry if you alredy mentioned it another thread, I did not take the time to read all of your story; I did read some of it though.


Because I am still licking my wounds. And my heart isn't open to anyone. My divorce was an extremely traumatic experience for me. It wouldn't be healthy for me to date right now. Plus my head and heart aren't receptive to the idea of dating. I have no desire to. I have been asked out several times. Just feel like I am still stuck in the thunderstorm, so to speak. Still learning, healing, growing. 



troy said:


> *However, moving from EA to "only friends" is proving to be difficult. *


That's because you can't be "friends" with someone you're having an affair with. End contact. Now.


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## AustinGalaxy (Jul 18, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> That's because you can't be "friends" with someone you're having an affair with. End contact. Now.


I have to politely disagree with that statement. I've become very good friends with three of the women that I have had affairs with. We email, chat, and talk on the phone often. Sometimes we'll meet up for lunch. They have become a very important support structure for me. I vent to them and they vent to me. And, no, we no longer have any sexual relations whatsoever. Just my two cents.

I feel for you troy. It ain't easy being in a loveless marriage and looking for a reason to leave.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

^ So how does your wife feel about knowing you're still in contact with the women you cheated on her with? Or if you are divorced, how did your wife feel about it?


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