# Sex failure after 20 years



## twoofus (Jun 16, 2017)

For the first 10-12 years of our marriage, sex was good for both of us, or so I thought. My wife was what I think a passive/submissive sexual partner in that she liked to have things done to her or be told what to do. She would often say "Do whatever you want" or "anything goes" - she liked sex to be rough on occasions and would urge me to push boundaries and we did. However, sometimes simple lovemaking was fine too.
Lately, however, she still wants to make love and complains that my libido has diminished. She no longer wants to do anything other than "missionary" and expects me not only to give foreplay but somehow leave it to me to get myself aroused. She barely touches me anywhere so if I managed to get an erection it is only because I can recall an erotic moment of the past. Worse still, she shows little response to anything I do to arouse her (I love to go down there) and my hard won erection starts to flag since it has had no encouragement to stay firm. I sometimes manage to get stiff again and enter her but there is no apparent enthuisasm on her part. I might as well be with a blow up sex doll (not that I have ever tried one). Needless to say, my erection is lost and we both end up frustrated then she turns on me demanding to know what is the matter with me and that she always had great sex with her ex. She then says she has never been able to cum with me (which is not true but she says she has lost quite a few memories). I could retort that my previous girlfriend and I had fabulous sex but I know enough not to say so.
I try to discuss our sex life but she tells me it is all my fault and it up to me fix it. I suggest a councillor and she shoots that down. I suggest we do other sex play activities but she won't have that. She is of the opinion a "real" man can get an erection on demand and it must be because I don't fancy her. Quite honestly, I really don't want to make another attempt without some cooperation from her and would rather give up having sex with her altogether than be verbally abused again, but she still wants me to "sort it"
At a complete loss as to what do do next.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

twoofus said:


> For the first 10-12 years of our marriage, sex was good for both of us, or so I thought. My wife was what I think a passive/submissive sexual partner in that she liked to have things done to her or be told what to do. She would often say "Do whatever you want" or "anything goes" - she liked sex to be rough on occasions and would urge me to push boundaries and we did. However, sometimes simple lovemaking was fine too.
> Lately, however, she still wants to make love and complains that my libido has diminished. She no longer wants to do anything other than "missionary" and expects me not only to give foreplay but somehow leave it to me to get myself aroused. She barely touches me anywhere so if I managed to get an erection it is only because I can recall an erotic moment of the past. Worse still, she shows little response to anything I do to arouse her (I love to go down there) and my hard won erection starts to flag since it has had no encouragement to stay firm. I sometimes manage to get stiff again and enter her but there is no apparent enthuisasm on her part. I might as well be with a blow up sex doll (not that I have ever tried one). Needless to say, my erection is lost and we both end up frustrated then she turns on me demanding to know what is the matter with me and that she always had great sex with her ex. She then says she has never been able to cum with me (which is not true but she says she has lost quite a few memories). I could retort that my previous girlfriend and I had fabulous sex but I know enough not to say so.
> I try to discuss our sex life but she tells me it is all my fault and it up to me fix it. I suggest a councillor and she shoots that down. I suggest we do other sex play activities but she won't have that. She is of the opinion a "real" man can get an erection on demand and it must be because I don't fancy her. Quite honestly, I really don't want to make another attempt without some cooperation from her and would rather give up having sex with her altogether than be verbally abused again, but she still wants me to "sort it"
> At a complete loss as to what do do next.


Send her back to her ex.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

twoofus said:


> Lately, however, she still wants to make love and complains that my libido has diminished. *She no longer wants to do anything other than "missionary" *and expects me not only to give foreplay but somehow *leave it to me to get myself aroused.* *She barely touches me anywhere *so if I managed to get an erection it is only because I can recall an erotic moment of the past. Worse still, she shows little response to anything I do to arouse her (I love to go down there) and my hard won erection starts to flag since it has had no encouragement to stay firm. I sometimes manage to get stiff again and enter her but *there is no apparent enthuisasm on her part.* I might as well be with a blow up sex doll (not that I have ever tried one). Needless to say, my erection is lost and we both end up frustrated then she turns on me *demanding to know what is the matter with me and that she always had great sex with her ex*. *She then says she has never been able to cum with me (*which is not true but she says she has lost quite a few memories). I could retort that my previous girlfriend and I had fabulous sex but I know enough not to say so.
> I try to discuss our sex life but she tells me* it is all my fault and it up to me fix* it. I suggest a councillor and she shoots that down. I suggest we do other sex play activities but she won't have that. *She is of the opinion a "real" man can get an erection on demand *and it must be because I don't fancy her. Quite honestly, I really don't want to make another attempt without some cooperation from her and would rather give up having sex with her altogether than be verbally abused again, but she still wants me to "sort it"
> At a complete loss as to what do do next.


Jesus. It would no wonder if your libido has diminished. And her comments about her ex and "real men"? Charming woman. I'd best leave addressing that sort of nonsense to men who have been through it. I haven't, and honestly my inclination would be to suggest to her to look up her ex while I packed my bags.

But I may be able to help with something, unless as you say your wife is unwilling to talk about it at all: I'm nearly 55. These days it takes more than a bra ad in the newspaper to arouse me. I haven't dealt with ED (yet), but sometimes I need a little help to get aroused. My wife made a similar complaint about not having sex often enough (we probably average once every 4 or 5 days at this point, and she was much nicer about it than your wife). I gently told her exactly what I stated above, that I'm getting older and needed her help to get my engine running. What that means exactly or what it takes varies for all of us. For me it can be as simple as wearing a low-cut top, so I'm not talking about anything over the top (so to speak).

My wife has been making an effort, and I appreciate that a great deal. Honestly, from what you describe, I'm less hopeful about your wife.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

OP, my wife is similar to yours, although not nearly as disrespectful and mean-spirited. She doesn't really....do....anything in bed. Which has become more of an issue the past couple of years. I tried to get something started a few days ago, but the plumbing just wasn't responding without any help or feedback from her. None was offered, so I gave her a kiss on the forehead and said maybe some other time. I'm not terribly inclined to pursue the matter. Why bother?


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## pbj2016 (May 7, 2017)

twoofus said:


> ....She is of the opinion a "real" man can get an erection on demand and it must be because I don't fancy her.....




Tell her a real woman would provide enough variety to give you what you need in order to be mentally and/or physically stimulated. On second thought do not stoop to her immaturity. 

Seriously go to your doctor and ask to be tested for low testosterone. Do not take your dr's word for a "normal" result but rather do the research and find out what your level should be. Healthy man in is 40's should be about 600 total (and free % is also important).

Also your wife needs education if she believes an erection is available on demand without mental and/or physical stimulation. Also comparison to past lover exploits is an erection killer. Not many penises stand up to negative comparisons 


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Was this change in her behavior sudden or gradual. Did it correlate with anything else changing in your lives?

Is she on any medication, anti-depressants etc? Are you?


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## twoofus (Jun 16, 2017)

GusPolinski said:


> Send her back to her ex.


If only that was an option, but he has never done anything to offend me


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

twoofus said:


> If only that was an option, but he has never done anything to offend me


LOL.

Send her somewhere.

Anywhere that's away from you.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Woman here, I think you have to be open with your wife and tell her you are not getting any younger and the plumbing needs some attention from her. Have you got your T levels tested? There are aids, I think they were discussed in another forum such as Cialis.

How old are you both? If she is heading into perimenopause her plumbing may be a little rusty too. I think she does not realize how fragile a man's feelings are when it comes to his prowess, enlighten her please, I think she will change her tune. Be honest and tell her nicely her behavior does not help.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Sorry dude, my willy would go flat having to listen to my W previous sexual exploits. Turn the tables on her, advise she does not do it anymore for you. 

Find someone who is not insensitive.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Has your wife gained a lot of weight over the last few years? Body image issues, and the concomitant shame, could account for her shift in sexual variety, and even the mean-spiritness; she could be terrified that your erection issues really do stem from her weight, and is lashing out from a place of humiliation. 

If not, unfortunately, you might want to consider a potential affair. Her behavior is right in line with a ton of cheating partners.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

who would want to even make love to someone who is selfish and demanding along with rude and offensive?

Not me.


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## twoofus (Jun 16, 2017)

To answer a few questions:
Meds: She is on an anti-depressant. Without it she would be completely miserable and unbearable. I'm not on any medication. I have tried Sildenafil (generic Viagra) which can help a little, but does not boost sexual desire.

Behaviour: I suppose her attitude towards sex has been gradually getting worse over the last few years.

Testostorone check: I don't think this is an issue, but I will get a checkup done. I'm 59, so probably worth asking for a few blood tests to be done.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

I think your body is saying I don't desire this person because shes a *****.

can you get hard and masturbate to completion? if so then its the resentment because of your wife's attitude towards sex through your whole marriage.

and her demeaning way she treats you.


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## _anonymous_ (Apr 18, 2016)

OP, sorry to learn of your dilemma, and welcome to TAM.

I share your problem. My wife isn't doing much in bed (too much work), and her behavior isn't conducive to getting (or keeping) an erection. I say this as a guy in his mid-30's, so the problem is quite bad.

I've been offended by my wife's behavior, and have flat out refused sex on her terms (no favors, no foreplay, quickies-only, etc). This can be a good short-term strategy that might lead to your wife putting in more effort and changing her ways in the bedroom. It's worth a try.

In the long-run, if your wife won't change her attitude about sex and you keep avoiding her, she will feel rejected. Be warned that this can create even more problems in your marriage, versus solving anything. It is at this point when avoidance nets you an emotional loss, and you should give her sex. If the woman wants vanilla sex, then give her vanilla sex. It will help your marriage even if not your own problems, and that's worth something.

When I'm getting busy with the wife and the complete lack of her foreplay or sexiness challenges my erections, I'll engage in enough foreplay on her to get an erection. But then, I'll stop foreplay in order to strike while the iron is hot. For you, if it's hard (no pun) to keep an erection with too much [one-sided] foreplay on your wife, stop the foreplay and get down to business. She'll be frustrated with intimacy (as you've described) if you deliver foreplay but not actual sex, so it's perhaps best to have sex when you can? Leave the foreplay for after sex, if she's still up for it.

Sorry I can't be of more help. Good luck!


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## twoofus (Jun 16, 2017)

Overall, I do get aroused if I find something very sexy, say watching a film with some erotic scenes. That doesn't mean I get a boner there and then! However, I try and hold that thought and take it to the bedroom, but it is not enough. I still wake up with a decent erection early in the morning and occasionally can use it for a lazy screw in the spoons position if she is a little drowsy but receptive. This is a moment when she is quite nice and gives an appreciative mummering hum as I slide in and out. No pressure, no expectations to collapse, no great orgasm either but very pleasant nevertheless. Unfortunately, that is the best it gets sexually.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

morning wood is a good indication your testosterone is good.

I think your wife is a boner killer.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I'm hornier than a 3-balled billy goat and my T-levels are fine. 

I don't think I'd get it up either if someone treated me that way and nor would I want to.

He ex may be an ex for a good reason on his part.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Rewriting history, picking at you, comparing you unfavorably to others... I've read these a bunch of times in CWI

I would definitely see what's up with her and rule out extracurricular activities... 


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

twoofus said:


> ...Lately, however, she still wants to make love and complains that my libido has diminished. She no longer wants to do anything other than "missionary" and expects me not only to give foreplay but somehow leave it to me to get myself aroused. She barely touches me anywhere so if I managed to get an erection it is only because I can recall an erotic moment of the past.
> 
> ....my hard won erection starts to flag since it has had no encouragement to stay firm. I sometimes manage to get stiff again and enter her but there is no apparent enthuisasm on her part. I might as well be with a blow up sex doll (not that I have ever tried one). Needless to say, my erection is lost and we both end up frustrated then *she turns on me demanding to know what is the matter with me and that she always had great sex with her ex. She then says she has never been able to cum with me (which is not true but she says she has lost quite a few memories).*
> 
> ...





twoofus said:


> Overall, I do get aroused if I find something very sexy, say watching a film with some erotic scenes. That doesn't mean I get a boner there and then! However, I try and hold that thought and take it to the bedroom, but it is not enough. I still wake up with a decent erection early in the morning and occasionally can use it for a lazy screw in the spoons position if she is a little drowsy but receptive. This is a moment when she is quite nice and gives an appreciative mummering hum as I slide in and out. No pressure, no expectations to collapse, no great orgasm either but very pleasant nevertheless. Unfortunately, that is the best it gets sexually.



A few thoughts at the low point in my Sex Starved Marriage, I could have written some of the same comments about my wife. So I feel your pain and frustration.

What helped save my marriage was a lot of things, but one was the help of a sex therapist. You need far more than a marriage counselor. Tell you wife that you are going to set up an appointment with a sex therapist and go with or without her and that for the sake of your marriage, you hope that she will attend with you, otherwise you don't see a very promising marital future.

Yes get your T-level tested. Also you might read the books No More Mr. Nice Guy by Glover and the Sex Starved Marriage by MW Davis. Both will tell you to "Get a Life." That is code words for becoming less co-dependent on your wife as a source of emotional validation. Start exercising and doing things that make you proud of who you are and what you can accomplish.

A final comment as to erections. Get a good quality c*ck-ring. They will help you maintain an erection by restricting blood flow out of the penis. Usually require little foreplay as well. 

Good luck. Been there done that.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

twoofus said:


> For the first 10-12 years of our marriage, sex was good for both of us, or so I thought. My wife was what I think a passive/submissive sexual partner in that she liked to have things done to her or be told what to do. She would often say "Do whatever you want" or "anything goes" - she liked sex to be rough on occasions and would urge me to push boundaries and we did. However, sometimes simple lovemaking was fine too.
> Lately, however, she still wants to make love and complains that my libido has diminished. She no longer wants to do anything other than "missionary" and expects me not only to give foreplay but somehow leave it to me to get myself aroused. She barely touches me anywhere so if I managed to get an erection it is only because I can recall an erotic moment of the past. Worse still, she shows little response to anything I do to arouse her (I love to go down there) and my hard won erection starts to flag since it has had no encouragement to stay firm. I sometimes manage to get stiff again and enter her but there is no apparent enthuisasm on her part. I might as well be with a blow up sex doll (not that I have ever tried one). *Needless to say, my erection is lost and we both end up frustrated then she turns on me demanding to know what is the matter with me and that she always had great sex with her ex.* She then says she has never been able to cum with me (which is not true but she says she has lost quite a few memories). *I could retort that my previous girlfriend and I had fabulous sex but I know enough not to say so.*
> I try to discuss our sex life but she tells me it is all my fault and it up to me fix it. I suggest a councillor and she shoots that down. I suggest we do other sex play activities but she won't have that. She is of the opinion a "real" man can get an erection on demand and it must be because I don't fancy her. Quite honestly, I really don't want to make another attempt without some cooperation from her and would rather give up having sex with her altogether than be verbally abused again, but she still wants me to "sort it"
> At a complete loss as to what do do next.


Yeah, you wouldn't want to hurt her feelings like she did to you.

Sounds like you take whatever she's giving. I'd bet that's part of your problem


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

She is NOT a loving partner.
Why do you put up with it?


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## pbj2016 (May 7, 2017)

twoofus said:


> To answer a few questions:
> 
> Meds: She is on an anti-depressant. Without it she would be completely miserable and unbearable. I'm not on any medication. I have tried Sildenafil (generic Viagra) which can help a little, but does not boost sexual desire.
> 
> ...



This response indicates to me low T. Physical indications of low T (ED) are the last to go. Sexual desire leaves the building long before your erection does if it is related to low T. Coupled with comparisons to better lovers would be a double whammy because now you likely have performance anxiety. At 59, good luck getting your dr to agree to do the tests if he hasn't already brought it up. 

I think you need to work out why your wife disrespects you so much. She sounds selfish and uneducated regarding sexual health.


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## twoofus (Jun 16, 2017)

jaquen said:


> Has your wife gained a lot of weight over the last few years? Body image issues, and the concomitant shame, could account for her shift in sexual variety, and even the mean-spiritness; she could be terrified that your erection issues really do stem from her weight, and is lashing out from a place of humiliation.
> 
> If not, unfortunately, you might want to consider a potential affair. Her behavior is right in line with a ton of cheating partners.


I think her self image may well be part of the problem. We are both a little overweight and have about the same BMI, but she will draw attention to MY weight and she becomes incredibly self defensive when I suggest it is something WE both should work at. Other than that, I always make an effort complement her appearance when we do go out. She never makes the effort to look nice just for me though.
However, I don't think she really wants me to lose weight and be fitter. She gets quite irritable if I go down to the gym or be careful with what I eat even though I give her the option of coming along with me.

I don't think she is having an affair because she hardly goes out herself, resents me going out sometimes. If she was to have one, I can't imagine she would be able to keep another man's attention for long.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

First of all - what is happening to you is totally normal as a man ages. I highly recommend this book. Pay attention to the massages - they really do help.

All Night Long : How to Make Love to a Man Over 50 by Barbara Keesling

Get it and read it with your wife - and then talk about your feelings and explain to her what is happening to you! Don't say - "See - this is what you should be doing to me!" Hopefully the book will help her understand that its not her that doesn't turn you on - its the natural aging process. Also you should try to find some books about women and aging to read together to show her you want to learn about her too. 

Now - from a women's point of view who has been in this situation. She may be feeling unattractive to you - that her aging is turning you off. Aging isn't fun for anyone - but for some women - it is especially hard when it feels like our husbands don't respond to us the way they use to. We want to feel young and attractive - especially in a society that seems to value young women - and not older ones. 

While we may know in our heads its the aging process, our emotions still tell us that our husbands just don't find us attractive and desirable anymore. So you may need to find ways to let her know that is not the case and try to show her that you do have passion for her - even if the body isn't working like it use to. 

So a little empathy on your part for how she may be feeling may help her to have a little more empathy on how you are feeling. I think you both need a little more communication and education on the aging process and adaptation you BOTH need to make to keep your sex life thriving and satisfactory for both of you.

As far as her orgasms, she may not be having any more. Hormonal changes and being on anti=depressants could very well be keeping her from having them. And if she isn't having any - and sex isn't all that interesting for her - is it any wonder she isn't all that interesting in helping you out. Especially when your slowness to respond is making her feel unattractive and undesirable. 

I mean if it isn't working - what's the point of making all the effort on her part to try to get things going - if she doesn't get anything from it - except to feel bad about herself. Besides - if your **** isn't getting hard - then you must not be all that horny anyways! Right? So why not let sleeping dogs lie. (I'm suggesting this may be some of her thinking patterns.) See what you might be working against? 

Again - education and communication will go a long way to help you both!!


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## twoofus (Jun 16, 2017)

Thanks Mary 35, I have bought the book "All Night Long : How to Make Love to a Man Over 50 by Barbara Keesling"for my Kindle £3.95, so worth a shot. I'm reading through it at the moment. If my wife was to follow the first few exercises I would be flattered and sure to be aroused as it progresses. In fact I got a stiffy just imagining it (and that was before any suggestion of fellatio was mentioned)! Sorry if that's TMI. I will load the book onto her Kindle shortly and let her discover it and leave it to her as to how she wishes to respond. If she follows through then great or if it leads to a discussion rather than a rant, that would be progress too.
Btw, when I tried to type fellatio, spell checker offered gelato LOL. Now if I type gelato it offers fellatio. Both very nice, but has worked out my preference 😉


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## twoofus (Jun 16, 2017)

Firstly, I would like to thank everybody who has taken the trouble to contribute to this thread. It has helped me simply sharing my concerns.
Also, I'm aware that this topic is terribly one-sided and my wife has not been given the opportunity to give her side. She doesn't know that I have sought advice from a forum (she would be horrified if she found out). Despite everything I have written, she does love me but really has a problem keeping on good terms with people closest to her like her mother and our kids. This is why I wish (just about) to find a way of staying together. She is not a bad person, but quite inept at some social level. Luckily for me (and her), I have a good negativity filter to block some of the things she says.

The book "All Night Long : How to Make Love to a Man Over 50 by Barbara Keesling" as recommended by Mary 35 has thrown up some interesting points about how erections work or don't. The book is aimed at women to work on their men and there is quite a lot of effort involved. This may be intially too much for my wife so before I pass the book to her I should like to do something for her. I have a plan: She does like a massage but it is not easy to do on a bed but luckily we have a sturdy kitchen table at about the right height which I could use as a massage table. I will get some scented candles, massage oils and put some relaxing music on and give her a thorough full body massage back and front, and if it feels right, turn it into a very slow and teasing erotic massage making it clear that I am in charge and I will not penetrate her, this is purely to focus on her pleasure. I think a blindfold to heighten the senses would be good.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

twoofus said:


> I have a plan: She does like a massage but it is not easy to do on a bed but luckily we have a sturdy kitchen table at about the right height which I could use as a massage table. I will get some scented candles, massage oils and put some relaxing music on and give her a thorough full body massage back and front, and if it feels right, turn it into a very slow and teasing erotic massage making it clear that I am in charge and I will not penetrate her, this is purely to focus on her pleasure. I think a blindfold to heighten the senses would be good.





*Sold!*


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

twoofus said:


> Firstly, I would like to thank everybody who has taken the trouble to contribute to this thread. It has helped me simply sharing my concerns.
> Also, I'm aware that this topic is terribly one-sided and my wife has not been given the opportunity to give her side. She doesn't know that I have sought advice from a forum (she would be horrified if she found out). Despite everything I have written, she does love me but really has a problem keeping on good terms with people closest to her like her mother and our kids. This is why I wish (just about) to find a way of staying together. She is not a bad person, but quite inept at some social level. Luckily for me (and her), I have a good negativity filter to block some of the things she says.


It sounds to me that she is not a happy person to begin with, and has to rely on others to make her happy. In her eyes, you're not quite doing that, I think.

I've seen this kind of deflection before, with my ex wife. She was innately unhappy and always blamed others for this, rather than looking within. Unfortunately, when people like this are miserable they try to spread it, because misery loves company. With my ex wife, there was always something wrong with everyone, including me. She disliked her parents, her grandparents, her siblings - they all had a laundry list of things she didn't like about them. She'd cycle through friends constantly. She picked apart my friends and family. Nobody was ever good enough. She never lasted very long at jobs, either, she'd end up quitting for one reason or another.

Just not a happy person.

And like your wife, she eventually turned it all on me. I guess I was the only constant in her life, so it was my turn. Over the last few years of our relationship, I couldn't do anything right.

I wish I could offer some good advice, but I really can't. People like my ex wife just can't see the good in people, or things. It's always the negative.

FYI, she left for an OM she met online, who lived on another continent and she moved there. This enabled her to start again - completely. New life, top to bottom. Escapism at it's finest. AFAIK she's still there, but I often wonder how long it will take for her to set fire to all of that, too. With her, new is good. New friends, new job, new location, etc. But she lived that here, too. We once moved across the country, almost on a whim - threw away everything we had. It lasted 3 months. She would get excited for new jobs, only to quit them a few months in. Same thing with friends, they'd last a few months or a year, then see ya. She always found the negative in everything she did, and that would be that.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

Google Tantric Yoni Massage. Good Luck! I hope it helps!


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## twoofus (Jun 16, 2017)

mary35 said:


> Google Tantric Yoni Massage. Good Luck! I hope it helps!


Have googled it, but get an a lot of articles that point to an expensive practioner - an interesting way of making a living no doubt!
However, I'm interested in the idea and would welcome a book on the subject, preferably without emphasis on the mystical/spiritual aspect.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

https://www.amazon.com/Tantric-Mass...77935&sr=8-1&keywords=tantric+sex+for+couples

https://www.amazon.com/Tantric-Mass...77935&sr=8-5&keywords=tantric+sex+for+couples

There are a lot of articles.... I did a yahoo search re: tantric sex for married couples


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

twoofus said:


> Have googled it, but get an a lot of articles that point to an expensive practioner - an interesting way of making a living no doubt!
> However, I'm interested in the idea and would welcome a book on the subject, preferably without emphasis on the mystical/spiritual aspect.


Sorry! 

Try this one:

Instructions to giving a yoni massage

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0...mp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=0974853526

What I like about Tantric sex is that the emphasis is on slowing it down, concentrating on foreplay and connecting instead of going for the goal post. Perfect for those of us whose quickie days are a thing of the past. 

While there are also times that I want to just go for the goal post - for the most part I do enjoy the linger longers!


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## twoofus (Jun 16, 2017)

Candles with exotic perfume, "sensuous" massage oil to be delivered soon. I tried to buy massage oil locally, but no shops stock it! Now to get the timing right


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## twoofus (Jun 16, 2017)

A question for the massage experts: Is it safe to use massage oil on the fingers when working inside the vagina?


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## pbj2016 (May 7, 2017)

twoofus said:


> A question for the massage experts: Is it safe to use massage oil on the fingers when working inside the vagina?



A lot of massage oil is meant to heat up with exposure to air especially if it mentions "tingling" as part of the description. Read the description and if it says "not for internal use" believe it. I'd test on other sensitive skin before introducing it to a vagina.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

After a long time married, sex does get routine and kind of boring. It is natural for a man not to get instantly erect at the sight of his naked wife. I went through that as do most men married for a long time. I got my wife to understand that the quickness of my erection or even if I get one, has nothing to do with my feelings for her. It is biological and/or Psychological. What I did was to find something new to do sexually. That not only got me erect faster but also broke up our boring sexual routine where I do this and she does that and we know exactly what buttons to press on each other to have a quick orgasm.

I always found new sexual fetishes to try. Some we liked and some we did not. No matter what, it was not boring or routine. We started to have sex with public places hidden away from prying eyes unless...... I would rent a limo to take us to someplace an hour or more away and we would have sex knowing that although the driver could not see, he could hear and we gave him a great audio show. We did a wife swap without best friends and it was my wife's first time having sex with someone else than me. We did not like it but the sex we had together afterwards was very intense, almost animalistic as we reclaimed each other. When things got boring again my wife invited a few of her girlfriends to join us in a threesome. All three accepted and my wife shared me with them. That was fun for both of us. 

Then one night out of the blue, my wife offered me to her best friend who had recently gotten divorced and was living with us after she had to sell her home to split the profits with her ex. She was complaining about how she had not had sex for 8 months and my wife wanted me to remedy that. I should say that this girl was considered as family and a friend since we were all teens. Her girlfriend accepted and after she had her orgasm, which was very loud, my wife came up to ask who died. I asked my wife to join us and finally asked her to make out with her friend to show her love as I did. She did so and a few months later her best friend was living with us and in our life for 30 years. We found out that our girlfriend was bi, having a few girlfriends during college and my wife learned that she is bi but was repressing it by trying to live it though watching me have sex with other women and then having sex with me where she could smell and taste the other women on me.

Even threesomes get boring after the first thousand so we got back into fetish play again. With three it was better and we all partook of each others' fetish, if only just for their pleasure. Despite what some may think, we choose to save our marriage even over monogamy. For us it worked out well since I enjoyed other women and my wife needed another woman in her life. Among the three of us we filled all the important needs in each other which two people can rarely do for each other. We went out as a threesome. I had a hot looking girl in a sexy dress that I bought, on each arm. We arrived in a limo, went to my two private clubs where the girls could turn on the guys by sexy dancing with each other. That was our foreplay and when we got back home, the sex was fantastic. Believe it or not, we never had a problem with our lifestyle, not even an argument with our girlfriend who knew her status in our marriage.

Of course most will not do what we did but the point is to find something to add the spark back into your marriage and plug. We did what it took to stay together and have fund. How we did it was great for us and we really did not care what others thought. They are all divorced now and we are on our 45th year of marriage.


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## twoofus (Jun 16, 2017)

pbj2016 said:


> A lot of massage oil is meant to heat up with exposure to air especially if it mentions "tingling" as part of the description. Read the description and if it says "not for internal use" believe it. I'd test on other sensitive skin before introducing it to a vagina.


Thanks, I'll be sure to read the instructions/warnings. I do not intend it use the oil to as a vaginal lubricant (I'm hoping she will be aroused enough by then) but concerned there will be traces of oil on my fingers.


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## twoofus (Jun 16, 2017)

Thanks Vinnydee. I certainly am aiming to spice things up but fairly slowly to start with, hence the sensual massage I'm planning then will up the sensations for her on future massages, exploring her more intimately. Essentially, I want her to have an orgasmic time without involving my (or anyone elses) penis penetrating her.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

twoofus said:


> Thanks Vinnydee. I certainly am aiming to spice things up but fairly slowly to start with, hence the sensual massage I'm planning then will up the sensations for her on future massages, exploring her more intimately. Essentially, I want her to have an orgasmic time without involving my (or anyone elses) penis penetrating her.


yes. Spice things up but never let another man touch her. She is your wife and exclusively yours.

I do wonder if she has been in affair mode though


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

@twoofus ... not that your wife would be willing to go the extra mile in helping this situation.. given what you have shared, her attitude has greatly contributed to this breakdown.. given your age... yes, a man NEEDS more stimulation as your testosterone levels are slowly lowering...that's just how it works...for many women, we get a surge of testosterone as we age.. and it helps in these matters...

IF she cared, wanted to Understand why men need more stimulation/ novelty, etc ...this would be a great book for her...

 All Night Long: How to Make Love to a Man Over 50  



> "Turning 50 can be one of the most powerful and positive sexual passages in a man's life," writes Barbara Keesling, a sexuality and psychotherapy educator. However, "the focus has to be on lovemaking, not erections--on partnership, not performance." After 50, men's sexual response is affected by the "Big 5": stimulation, circulation, lubrication, stress, and sleep. Keesling teaches women (and men) how to understand how the "Big 5" affect sex, and specifically what to do about each of them. For example, anything that affects blood flow affects erections: temperature, time after eating, position, friction, gravity, and illness, to name just a few.
> 
> Keesling presents a series of exercises designed to keep your man "sexually fit, sexually focused, and sexually fabulous for decades." Some are performed during lovemaking; others are completely separate from sex. Some are done by the woman on the man; others by the man on his own. She also offers her 21 "home remedies" for maximizing sexual enjoyment.
> 
> Keesling stresses that mental attitudes--yours and his--are as important as the physical exercises. Understanding his aging process will help you accept his changes and adapt your lovemaking so that it's still exciting, loving, and satisfying, even though it may be quite different. Keesling isn't just talking about sex--she's talking about intimacy, acceptance, and love. And those can be powerful aphrodisiacs.


 I bought this before my husband turned 50... he doesn't always get morning wood... probably rarely actually... this has worried me some... his testosterone is also lower than average for men his age, though this hasn't stopped a thriving sex life for us...

I know how a wife's enthusiasm can make all the difference here... this book was very encouraging to me.. I wish it wasn't so.. that men start slowing down as they age.. it's just how it goes... but to understand what we hold in our hands, when he wants to be with us.. even if the plumbing needs a little attention.. ongoing at times.. why wouldn't we want to go there...and go all out!

Another thought.. this ex.. I bet she wasn't on anti-depressants back then (?).. so her comparing -- Hog wash... she would have had as much trouble with anyone else , that's just an unfortunate side effect, lowering the ability to "get there"...


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## twoofus (Jun 16, 2017)

SimplyAmorous said:


> @twoofus ... not that your wife would be willing to go the extra mile in helping this situation.. given what you have shared, her attitude has greatly contributed to this breakdown.. given your age... yes, a man NEEDS more stimulation as your testosterone levels are slowly lowering...that's just how it works...for many women, we get a surge of testosterone as we age.. and it helps in these matters...
> 
> IF she cared, wanted to Understand why men need more stimulation/ novelty, etc ...this would be a great book for her...
> 
> ...


I have bought the book the other day and will be putting in on my wife's Kindle soon
:wink2:

Unfortunately, the anti-depressants are essential from my point of view otherwise I'd have left long ago.


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## twoofus (Jun 16, 2017)

wmn1 said:


> yes. Spice things up but never let another man touch her. She is your wife and exclusively yours.
> 
> I do wonder if she has been in affair mode though


I'm pretty sure she hasn't had an affair in the last few years at least.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

twoofus said:


> *I have bought the book the other day and will be putting in on my wife's Kindle soon*
> :wink2:
> 
> Unfortunately, the anti-depressants are essential from my point of view otherwise I'd have left long ago.


I hope she takes that well...and doesn't feel you are pushing or anything... It has to be a hard spot to be in... it really does explain things in detail though... I loved the book.. didn't read it all, but enough to ease my mind in some areas... that "THIS" is normal... it's not that he's loosing his desire for me... it's an aging thing...and I have a vital role to play...to enhance our sex lives...

I found this little piece on the net yrs ago -that spoke of these hormonal changes... 



> *Balance the seesaw*. When they were first married, the man remembered, he always took the sexual lead, pulling his wife close and whispering his desire to make love. But now, 20 years later, she often makes the first move.
> 
> Again, hormonal changes are bringing the couple into closer balance. Men and women both produce testosterone and estrogen, but the proportion of each changes over the years. The male's shifting levels of estrogen and testosterone may make him more willing to follow than to lead, happy for his wife to set the pace. And as a woman's estrogen declines and her testosterone becomes proportionately greater, she may become more assertive.


Please come back & share with us how it goes ...


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

I would stop with sex, establish some distance from her, get involved with other activities. At some point, a discussion about the whole relationship is needed. However, I learned from someone with good people skills that such discussions need to happen at the right time, when she wants it.


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## twoofus (Jun 16, 2017)

Back to the message:
I told my wife that I will give her a full body massage and she was really excited. She had already showered so she took just a few minutes to be ready. I covered the kitchen table with the thickest yoga mat I could buy, 15mm, laid a bathsheet (big towel) out a candle and some musky massage oil at the ready. Put on a sensually themed playlist on the audio player. She came into the room, dropped her robe and was naked and I helped her onto the table. I suggested a blindfold so that she could focus on my touched and she readily agreed. I started by performing a typical massage you might have in a spa but also included are such as buttocks, breasts as it progresses into something close to a tantric theme. Worked around the vaginal mound area to encourage blood flow there, gently massaged the labia and around the clitoris and directly stimulated it and inserted digits into the vagina doing a"come hither" She was clearly enjoying this, but suddenly she indicated it was a bit too intensive, reacting like she was being tickled so I withdrew and continued elsewhere. I spent an hour massaging her and she she told me she loved every minute of it and like it often, agreeing to my suggestion that I might spice it up further. She was very loving towards me afterwards and beautifully calm. I wanted to make love to her but I said at the start it was all to be about her pleasure and I wasn't expecting reciprocation and physical expression of love would stay in my boxers! She strongly indicated that she would like to return the favour very soon.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

twoofus said:


> Back to the message:
> I told my wife that I will give her a full body massage and she was really excited. She had already showered so she took just a few minutes to be ready. I covered the kitchen table with the thickest yoga mat I could buy, 15mm, laid a bathsheet (big towel) out a candle and some musky massage oil at the ready. Put on a sensually themed playlist on the audio player. She came into the room, dropped her robe and was naked and I helped her onto the table. I suggested a blindfold so that she could focus on my touched and she readily agreed. I started by performing a typical massage you might have in a spa but also included are such as buttocks, breasts as it progresses into something close to a tantric theme. Worked around the vaginal mound area to encourage blood flow there, gently massaged the labia and around the clitoris and directly stimulated it and inserted digits into the vagina doing a"come hither" She was clearly enjoying this, but suddenly she indicated it was a bit too intensive, reacting like she was being tickled so I withdrew and continued elsewhere. I spent an hour massaging her and she she told me she loved every minute of it and like it often, agreeing to my suggestion that I might spice it up further. She was very loving towards me afterwards and beautifully calm. I wanted to make love to her but I said at the start it was all to be about her pleasure and I wasn't expecting reciprocation and physical expression of love would stay in my boxers! She strongly indicated that she would like to return the favour very soon.


Wow ...that was some real self control on your part... I am almost feeling a little jealous ... how much effect you put into HER pleasure - just for her.... hopefully the give & take will really take off here, open the communication along with the passion for each other..


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## twoofus (Jun 16, 2017)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Wow ...that was some real self control on your part... I am almost feeling a little jealous ... how much effect you put into HER pleasure - just for her.... hopefully the give & take will really take off here, open the communication along with the passion for each other..


Yes, I was amazed too. I was very aroused doing the massage, it was so very tempting to take her on the table.
It was a marvelous opportunity to examine closely, both visually and sensously, the detail of her vulva and it is beautiful. I had a view that she is unable to see and apreciate LOL

BTW, your man is a lucky man for you to work through "All Night Long : How to Make Love to a Man Over 50" - I read through the first few exercises for the lady to do and would love my wife to practise them. It will be on her Kindle shortly (yeah, good luck with that I say to myself).


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

Gently - Why are you putting it on her kindle? I suggest you read it with her instead. It will allow an opening for some good conversations to happen. 

Your wife seems to be on the submissive side. Like she enjoys sex happening to her but not her doing sex. How is she when you ask her to do something to you? Do you ever ask? and if you do will she comply?


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

Did she orgasm during the massage?


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## twoofus (Jun 16, 2017)

mary35 said:


> Did she orgasm during the massage?


No, she didn't. It wasn't a expectation set, but if she did, well, it would have been a bonus.
If she was to have one, I imagine it would as a result of two fingers doing the come hither motion and gentle rubbing of the clitoris. She clearly felt that the sensation of that move was too strong and she reacted like she was being tickled beyond endurance. I was being gentle there (with neatly trimmed nails). I have been wondering if this has something to do with her claim that she has never orgasmed with me in 25 years of our relationship. I know this is not quite true until the last few years and earlier it was out of the blue. She finally come clean about her 1st husband and a couple of lovers inbetween that orgasms were few and far between. BTW, she is respectful of their sexual privacy.
I not quite sure of when she has orgasmed, what was the trigger. It has never been through oral sex and I thought I was pretty good at that as it almost always could take my previous lovers over the edge.
Prehaps she is not used to the sensations that what I image to be the G spot delivers? I wish I could get her to talk more about it.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

For a woman to orgasm, she has to want to. While it's true that for some women an orgasm can be "forced" on them this is uncommon. Your wife clearly, I think, isn't able to let go in order to orgasm, regularly or frequently. 

Does she WANT to orgasm more frequently?

Regarding the G spot stimulation, there are times when it's not working for me even though it usually works very well. If my husband heads there too soon, or with too much force in the beginning, it doesn't feel good it just feels intense. IOW, I have to be VERY aroused for G spot stim to feel good. For me, it won't work until I've already had at least 2 orgasms from clit stim. Some women don't feel like they have a G spot with enough nerve ending to produce an orgasm. I don't know why women seem to be so vastly different in basic physiological responses, but we are. I do know that those of us who respond to G spot stim nearly always have to super aroused before it feels good.

It sounds like your wife was nicely relaxed and completely into the massage, happily obliging your quest for a sensual massage. It is very difficult to guess if she was aroused enough when you went for her G spot without her input but it doesn't sound like she was. 

The tricky part of female arousal is that without intentional awareness, we can't really assess our arousal level. Studies have shown that women can show arousal and not be aware their body is aroused. It is the feedback loop that needs tightening up. Men know they are aroused because their penis, outside of their body, is doing something fairly obvious. Women have no such obvious signals of arousal.

Therefore, if she actually wants to orgasm more frequently, she has to learn to key into her body's signals, she has to nurture her body's signals (meaning she has to reach for that arousal and consciously seek it out and welcome it) and she has to relax into it. She has to do this all at the same time, instantaneously, over and over and over in order to keep building arousal in order to orgasm. She has to reach for her orgasm because she wants one.

Some women have learned to do this naturally on their own while some women have to learn it. If we have to learn it, we have to want to learn it. 

The things that might get in the way of wanting to orgasm, or learn to orgasm are inhibition, shame, the feeling of being defective (like there is something wrong with her that she doesn't cum like stallion upon penetration, which is utterly ridiculous but our reliance on porn to inform us has produced this mindset among both men and women) and finally not being able to relax well enough in order to allow arousal to build. I know that I felt totally defective, and that made me too ashamed to bring it up or even entertain orgasm as a topic of discussion.

Penis envy is actually the envy of being able to orgasm immediately upon sexual maturation without effort.


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## twoofus (Jun 16, 2017)

mary35 said:


> Gently - Why are you putting it on her kindle? I suggest you read it with her instead. It will allow an opening for some good conversations to happen.
> 
> Your wife seems to be on the submissive side. Like she enjoys sex happening to her but not her doing sex. How is she when you ask her to do something to you? Do you ever ask? and if you do will she comply?


I agree, she is on the submissive side. I'd rather it be more on an equal footing, although in earlier days I often assumed a dominant role, but at her request. I'm not holding out for a change and I'm content to work with her being submissive. I guess that means that I need to be more dominant and I will need a new mind set for that. I will probably have to research that a bit. It is difficult to get a discussion going about what sex she would like and when I think it starts to open up, she changes the subject to something quite mundane. Perhaps she is embarrassed to ask for whats she really wants other that simply sex, maybe it is something really weird. I ask what boundaries she requires, what are the no go areas and she simply states that she will leave that up to me. Do I assume thats a blank cheque and agree a safe word? If so, should I simply demand that she performs a particular act? What if she doesn't reject it directly and offers an excuse? Do I meekly accept it and suggest another time? I did say I need to learn more about this type of role. Physically, I'm a lot taller and broad shouldered so that's in my favour.
She does like a few slaps on the bum (which I actually initiate playfully when, say, she's eaten the last chocolate buscuit) to the extent that it stings and then she might ask for a few more, teasing that it didn't hurt. I've also let her her do that to me and can admit it can be perversely pleasurable so I do understand why she likes it. I've never taken it to the stage where really hurts and reddens her cheeks for more than a few minutes. I've always stopped spanking her before asks. I would be very reluctant to procede further without an explicit request.That's the nearest thing to me being dominant recently.


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## twoofus (Jun 16, 2017)

Anon Pink said:


> For a woman to orgasm, she has to want to. While it's true that for some women an orgasm can be "forced" on them this is uncommon. Your wife clearly, I think, isn't able to let go in order to orgasm, regularly or frequently.
> 
> *Does she WANT to orgasm more frequently?*
> She hasn't actually demanded more orgasms, only commented that she doesn't get them. Maybe I want her to have them more than she does just to pease her. I cannot deny that I enjoy cumming but for me it is not essential and can finish a session without one and still feel satisfied.
> ...


There are many things I cannot fix and my reassurances simply fail. However, she did really enjoy the massage and looks forward to the next. Perhaps after a few sessions, she will learn to really enjoy the sensations on on a new level.
Thank you Anon Pink for providing these in-depth analysis :smile2:


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

> She hasn't actually demanded more orgasms, only commented that she doesn't get them. Maybe I want her to have them more than she does just to pease her. I cannot deny that I enjoy cumming but for me it is not essential and can finish a session without one and still feel satisfied.


You know what? Men really are very easy and women really are very complicated. I mean that in a good way...:grin2: there is nothing that can be universally applied to women but a few things are exceptionally common and one of those things is that women who don't get much enjoyment from sex, don't generally want sex. Enjoyment doesn't _always_ mean orgasm. This means, your wife may not have been challenging your love making skills. You took the comment to mean that you're not as good a lover, or that she enjoyed sex more with past lovers, and that can't be assumed to be true. It might be best to try to pin her down on what she wants going forward. More frequent orgasms?

You've described a passive/submissive wife who wants you to just do whatever. {Passive meaning not active, meaning not fully participating....whereas an active/submissive would fully participate, fully engage and that means explaining to her dominant what she wants. So keep that in mind as you research domination and submission} Realizing that the depth of passion you show for her, for her body, for having her body, for owning her body, is her emotional trigger, realizing that she is a passive submissive, it is your emotional tells that she responds to. A passive person tends to take on the emotions of those around them. If you show deep passion, she can feel deep passion. If you show lusty desire, she can feel lustful arousal. If you tell her you want to hear her moan, she can respond, if you tell her you want to see her hips grinding, she can respond. If she is a passive submissive, she is in need of direction and instruction...and praise.

Your reassurances don't fail. I picture a woman with poor self image as a dry sponge in a hot sunny day. She gets a compliment and like a drop of water on that sponge its affects quickly dissipate. It's hard to see the effects of aging and keep a positive self image. It requires work to do that, to ignore the signs of aging and if our self image was fragile to begin with, it's a daunting task. Your assurances aren't failing, your fighting a battle that doesn't end and since giving an honest compliment doesn't take much effort, quit complaining that your assurances are failing. 

I written this here at TAM many times. My father told me, many many years ago, that a well loved husband never sees stretch marks, wrinkles or age spots. He always sees the woman he married all those years ago. Women, for some reason, don't believe this. But every time I post this, several men respond and say it's true, that when they look at their wives of many years they see the bride that walked down the aisle. Maybe you should explain this to your wife?


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## twoofus (Jun 16, 2017)

Again, thanks Anon Pink, for your insight. The passive/submissive trait is starting to make a lot of sense. I get the impression that her first husband was generally dominant in all things and they divorced because he wanted to marry another woman. After that she had a boyfriend for 3 or 4 years who was heavily into bondage who would actually make his own custom restraints for her to be restrained with. I don't know much more than that about other than vanilla sex was rare. It is pretty obvious now that she must have been really into that for that relationship to have lasted several years. She also gave me perhaps not so subtle clues by encouraging to read a few paperbacks she had which featured a dominating man and a willingly submissive woman with quite a bit of S&M, Notably was "9 and a half weeks" and "The Story of O". I do remember enjoying the first book a lot but clearly I didn't take the hint 
So, assuming she has passive/submissive behaviours then my asking her what she wants is not going to cut it. I have done some internet searches on this subject but find it difficult to short out the wheat from the chaff. Some of the men fancying themselves as dominant come across as complete arseholes! Maybe that is a sacrifice that such a role demands?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I wonder why those relationships ended? Okay husband cheated and left for other woman, but what happened with boyfriend? Was she hurt by him too? This makes me think she purposely walked away from D/s because she didn't want to get hurt anymore and her experience taught her dominant men were *******s. But she can't just turn off the way her body responds to dominance. So now she wants that from you, the guy she trusts, the guy who shows her what real love looks like. Hmmmmm.

Yes, I imagine it is hard to separate dominant man web sites from a collection of predacious asses.

I've read this site and I believe this to be a very good place for info www.husdom.com

Mr Fox sometimes jumps into threads here, once the bat light has been lit. @DayOne has the keys to the bat light.


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## twoofus (Jun 16, 2017)

Anon Pink said:


> I wonder why those relationships ended? Okay husband cheated and left for other woman,* but what happened with boyfriend?* Was she hurt by him too? This makes me think she purposely walked away from D/s because she didn't want to get hurt anymore and her experience taught her dominant men were *******s. But she can't just turn off the way her body responds to dominance. So now she wants that from you, the guy she trusts, the guy who shows her what real love looks like. Hmmmmm.
> 
> When I met my wife, she was actually double-dating her boyfriend of several years for about a fortnight. Neither he or I was aware until she told me and dumped him. To cut a short story shorter, their relationship was not offering any commitment to her, he was not offering to co-habit, he just wanted a "friends with benefits" type relationship. I offered something that had a future. Perhaps I should have ran too at this point, but of course, I didn't.
> She may have been put off by dominant men, but clearly she likes to be dominated, so she may desire me to be dominant but leaving out the arseholeness of her previous men.
> ...


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

Sounds a bit like my W (less the hurtful comments). Started a couple years ago. Coincides with her menopause it seems.

Less interest in sex, or things sexual. Frequency has dropped to once a week on average, but going two or thee weeks not unusual. Still very loving, but I can see she's just not as into it. BJ's (for years she really was into it) have gone to a once a quarter frequency. Trying to get into any position other than missionary is met with resistance. Me touching her vagina also always met with resistance. Going down on her? Has happened about twice in last year. 

She has stopped waxing and shaving her bikini area, then uses the "I'm too hairy, it's gross" thing to keep me from going down or touching her. Yet she won't wax or trim. 

I need some help getting engine going too. But her lack of desire to touch my penis, give bj's, any kind of variety, along with her overgrown bush is NOT helping. Most times now, I'd really rather not bother. But she still wants me to perform without warming up, and get hers once a week or so. Attempts at any foreplay are immediately met with her just trying to pull me on top of her. Like I'm 18 and it gets hard when the wind blows. Like just the offer of a vagina should be enough, and if it's not, it's some kind of shock to her. Even though we've had the discussions (variety, foreplay, landscaping, etc). 

I'm certain it's a result of declining hormones. And she seems to know this (her doc wants to put her on them even), but it's like this crappy circle where she has little interest, knows why, but can't seem to find the motivation to fix it because for her things are fine and her sexual needs (little as they are right now) are being met. 

Getting ready to have the last hard talk with her about it. If nothing changes, she'll get the "marriage counseling or I'm out" deal. I'm not getting through to her, maybe someone else can. I'm not liking where this is going, and won't live like that. 

I feel your pain. I had my first ever - in my life - wet dream a couple weeks ago. I'm frustrated all to hell.


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## twoofus (Jun 16, 2017)

It's been a while since I started this topic. Since then I've had a couple of blood tests which show anaemia, a count of about 25% below the ideal minimum so perhaps this is a factor in my problem with keeping an erection. Have a GP appointment later this week, see what he thinks. I imagine my circulation had to work that bit harder so probably can't afford to spare blood for Mr penis 🤔


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## twoofus (Jun 16, 2017)

Interestingly, since she now knows that I am anaemic, she accepts (most of the time) that the condition might be the cause of ED and has taken some of the heat of me. We even managed to discuss the desire for an orgasm and she confirmed that she finds it difficult to orgasm with me or any of her previous partners. However, she says she can make it on her own using a sex toy and does so occasionally. Finally, I think we are getting somewhere and I say it would be helpful to know exactly how she does it, but she changes the subject onto something mundane and irrelevant. I have never seen her masturbate and she doesn't self stimulate during sex, no clit rubbing during PIV for instance so any clue from her as to what does it would help.
I will try and bring up the subject again, see I can get further.


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