# New to this BB



## gypsygirl (Apr 6, 2011)

Hi all,
As the title suggests i'm new to this bb. never thought a few years ago that i would find myself int he situation that I am now in....but thats life for you isn't it.

Well, my story I guess, I'm at the end of a 15 year relationship, married for 13 years (this may although you can hardly call it a marriage anymore). My ex walked out on me about 6 months ago, after years of basically treating my like second best. we haven't had an easy time at all, but thought we would be able to carry on fighting for something i beleived in. It just appears in hindsight, that he didn't.

I'm really struggling with trying to figure out what was real and what wasn't. Does anyone else feel like this?


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Remember that "what was real" is only about you--what was real for YOU. Two people can never experience things in exactly the same way--what felt romantic to you might have seemed a bit contrived to him, or what was fun for him may have been a bit boring to you. But back when you were attached and/or trying, you would each put on a good front for the other (as you should sometimes). When he comes back and says, "But I never really felt that way. . ." you should believe him. THAT DOES NOT UNDO YOUR PLEASURE IN HOW YOU EXPERIENCED THINGS. It does not mean you were doing anything wrong in thinking he shared your pleasure at the time--if he didn't tell you, you couldn't know. 

Cherish what you experienced--it was real, for you. Let him worry about his reality.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yes, everyone at the end of a LTR thinks "was it real?" I just got divorced two days ago and none of it feels like it ever happened.

What is your plan? Has anyone filed? Has there been talk of reconciliation? Where if your head at? What do you want?


----------



## gypsygirl (Apr 6, 2011)

Hi was just a quick message earlier, no idea what to say really.....but thanks for your replies. My full story is a long one, but after looking at some of the others, that seems the norm.

Well, here goes.

I had an awful childhood, mentally ill mother, abused by my brother, feeling like i was about to totally lose it when....the ex comes along. He was literally my knight in shining armour. He seemed to be the first person to ever really care and love me for who i was, and what i was.....so head over heals.

We were married within a couple of years, before i was 21. The start of the marriage was fantastic, or seemed to be at least. then he had a strong friendship with my sister which turned sour and the trouble started from there. I had questioned him as to wether it was me or my sis that he wanted and he told me it was me.

We had a few ups and downs as you expect every marriage to have but we seemed to travel through it ok. Then we tried to start a family, i fell pg first month of trying, but unfortunately I lost my first little boy at 34 wks. Things still seemed ok tho, and we started trying again pretty much as soon as we found out what was wrong. My next baby did survive, but only by miracle, he was 2 months prem and had to go through surgery at one day old, again very stressful, but we seemed to hold it together.

Things started to go down hill after that, he became more and more detatched, pushing me out at every opportunity. I started to feel more and more insecure and he assured me that it wasn't me, it was him. But things continued to go that way. Friends would come into his life and he became obssessed with them, never doing anything as a family unless these friends were involved. 

We hit more bad times, as he had to have surgery a couple of times and lost a sucssession of jobs. All the time becoming more and more unhappy and more and more detatched, leaving me feel more insecure than ever. My confidence started to go and the intamacy went out of our marriage. He assured me that things would get better although they never did.

It all came to a head last year, when he met a friend. He started spending more and more time with her and pushing me out even further than before. He brought her on a family holiday and treated me like something that had scraped off the bottom of his shoes.

After we got back from the holiday, we started argueing more and more. He started telling me that he like spending time with her as she had two girls (which was what he always wanted), which i thought was very cruel bareing in ming the problem that I had. I had had enough by this time and started standing up for myself, he left the home and I told him that he had to be sure I was what he wanted and would not take him back unless he could promise that things could be different.

Anyway, things got worse and worse, and nastier and nastier and i'm still having to fight to stand up for myself all the time. I ended up having to contact womens aid for support and i have filed for divorce, which for the time being at least has made things worse again.

Knowing that he seemed to unhappy for so long is what is making me feel that it was just one big lie, and that he was so unhappy because he felt stuck in a marriage that he didn't want to be in. I know that I let him down in a big way because of my problems with having children, and failure in his eyes to give him a daughter.

I know that I could never go back to the way I was being treated and on the whole I am far happier on my own, albeit a little lonely at times. But I'm just struggling to make sense of the whole marriage and wether my feelings that he has been unhappy with me are true, or wether it is just infact my feeling grief for the loss of the relationship. I guess time will sort things our in my head eventually.

Sorry for the long post, well done if you have made it to the bottom reading


----------



## crusheddreams (Apr 6, 2011)

not sure what to say really, but wanted to show my support to you by posting. sounds like you have had a tough time.
personally I feel everything was real for me just feel great sadness at throwing it all away.


----------

