# I didn't propose when I planned and my girlfriend found out



## rwilson (Apr 9, 2016)

Hi, all

First time poster - I need some advice please. 

I've been with my girl for just shy of three and a half years and I want to marry her. I've purchased a beautiful ring in a style I know she'd love. I wanted to propose to her on a recent vacation but ...it didn't seem quite right at the first chance and a second never happened (under the Northern Lights). I had a second idea planned but a hail storm in a hot spring mix didn't fit what I wanted to do either. So...it passed and I was going to find another way to do it back home.

The problem I have now is I had shown my GF's mother the ring when I received it before our trip - she was over and I was so excited about it that I had to show someone. Unfortunately she dropped a big enough hint that my GF ended up pressing me to know if I was going to propose when we were gone. I admitted it during a bit of an argument and after we got home, won't even speak to me now. She said I was just making up excuses and I'm not ready. I know I am but I wanted it to be perfect for her. 

What do I do? Did I ruin everything? If I ask her now (anytime soon, that is), it may come across as asking her because I didn't before? 

She's hurt. I'm hurt. I don't know what to do. 

Thanks in advance.


----------



## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

This is a nothing. Proposing is the least important part of a marriage. 

Ask her Dad if you can, get on one knee, have the ring ready. This means she will win the one-upmanship with her friends and be happy.

the way, this forum of full of people out of bad marriages, so there will be lots of advice not to do it. Instead, learn not to get so anxious.


----------



## Redactus (Nov 22, 2015)

Just propose...it doesn't matter the situation if she is really into you. However, if she expects a falling star night with a high-end evening and unicorns prancing in the background...just be forewarned......


----------



## RainbowBrite (Dec 30, 2015)

rwilson said:


> Hi, all
> 
> First time poster - I need some advice please.
> 
> ...


You might want to mention your dilemma to GFs mother. She may have a word with GF on the side to help her to see what a great thing she's throwing a wrench into.


----------



## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Remember to never share with a girlfriend's mother anything you don't want the daughter to know. Lesson learned.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

rwilson said:


> *I wanted it to be perfect for her. *


Problem solved....

Carefully spell out "marry me?" in sunscreen on your back. Get a sunburn. Then go out to a pool and before you take off your shirt, ask her if she will put lotion. 

Cheers,
Badsanta


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

No such thing as the perfect proposal honey, be it a grand gesture or a simple moment in time 

One of my gf's was walking the dog with her then bf through the forest, and she was recovering from flu. It was Sunday morning, about 8am in Winter. She looked like death warmed up she said, but as they were walking he got down on one knee and proposed. Just like that. 10 years and 3 beautiful children later, they're happy as  

Don't do the whole "perfect moment" thing. Just do it. That's what she wants.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Some people are more concerned with the proposal than the marriage.
Some people are more concerned with the wedding than the marriage.
Some people are more concerned with the honeymoon than the marriage.

You need to get your priorities straight.


----------



## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

You can propose with a "Cracker Jack ring". You're silly. You do it or you don't. Too much drama.


----------



## Forever27 (Mar 15, 2015)

Ha! Sometimes I think about my proposal to my then GF. I had it all planned out - ring in a beautifully wrapped box - was going to ask on a hike to a mountain peak in the Blue Ridge. But we had trouble finding the trailhead and since time was limited we ended up on another trail instead. The event ended up being at a pretty overlook but still not what I had hoped. And since it was kind of near a small cliff I didn't get down on one knee, which I kind of regret to this day.

But she's put up with me for 24 years so I guess it was okay after all.


----------



## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

rwilson said:


> Hi, all
> 
> First time poster - I need some advice please.
> 
> ...


You didn't ruin anything. There is plenty of time to do it right. Other is right, get with her dad if you can first if you can. You just need to use your imagination. If you go to church with her, see if you can't get the choir to hold up one letter each saying "Will You Marry Me, Suzy" (or whatever her name is). There all kinds of ways you can wow her. This is something she will never forget. My STBXW was in awe because I asked her son for her hand, her dad had passed away so the honor (for lack of a better term) was his.

The point is, you haven't totally blown it. You can explain it to her that you wanted it to be perfect and you kept seeing things that you looked perfect but something went wrong...

Just be romantic, show her your heart and soul. You'll be fine.


----------



## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

First off if you want to keep a secret you tell NO ONE, especially her mother!

Now you're in deep crap, anything you do know will seem forced and desperate.

I only see one option, an honest conversation that ends with the proposal. Tell her what your plans were, tell her how you kept putting it off for the perfect moment, tell her what an idiot you were for thinking that way. Tell her how sorry you are to have messed things up and turned a beautiful thing into something that caused her pain. Tell her none of that matters because your feelings are exactly the same right now in this moment as they have been for the last few years, tell her if she can forgive you you want her to be your wife, and tell her why. 

Don't over think it, heart felt simplicity is more important than some grand gesture. 

Personally I think purposing during a hail storm while being in a hot spring would have been a great story, you blew that one buddy.


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Man up. 

Tell her you mistakenly told her mother. Now the cats out of the bag. And your pi$$ed that her mother told you and ruined it. That you will propose when your ready.might be next month might be next year might be never if she acts like her mother and blabs everything.tell her that trust is important. The most important aspect of marriage.

Personally if it was me I would run. Mom can,t keep a secret and the apple don't,t fall far from the tree.

Maybe reevaluate you relationship


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

This is an excellent teachable moment for the both of you.

Life rarely looks the way we planned it to look. I think it's lovely how you made those plans but you blew it when you backed out of it because it wasn't exactly as you planned. That's how marriage is, never as you planned and if you can't adjust and regroup and keep moving, you're not really a good candidate for marriage just yet.

If your GF thinks/expects you to create the perfect YouTube worthy production of a proposal....you might wanna pick some other woman who isn't as high maintenance.


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Anon Pink said:


> This is an excellent teachable moment for the both of you.
> 
> Life rarely looks the way we planned it to look. I think it's lovely how you made those plans but you blew it when you backed out of it because it wasn't exactly as you planned. That's how marriage is, never as you planned and if you can't adjust and regroup and keep moving, you're not really a good candidate for marriage just yet.
> 
> If your GF thinks/expects you to create the perfect YouTube worthy production of a proposal....you might wanna pick some other woman who isn't as high maintenance.


This one thousand percent!

Sometimes the awkward proposal is more revered years later when your remembering it with fondness.


----------



## rwilson (Apr 9, 2016)

Thanks, all.

To one point - she never expected something like what I wanted to do. I wanted to do it there because she would have loved it. No other reason. 

Eventually she talked to me last night but it essentially came down to she thought I was ready for marriage and now she doesn't. Anything I do now will seem under duress or I'm doing it because I should to do it, not because I want to. She's a few years older than I am and kept going back to "not wanting to wait for years, if ever, for me to decide I'm ready". So I don't know where my relationship is now. 

I'll think on your advice. I do appreciate it. 

Cooper - the sulfur in the hot spring would have also severely tarnished the gold, or so I was told by staff there when I asked. That's the reason that one fell through.


----------



## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Just pick an ordinary day, or even better, one where she's at her worst, sick, or under stress. Tell her that you love her when everything is perfect and also when everything is far from it.


----------



## RainbowBrite (Dec 30, 2015)

rwilson said:


> Thanks, all.
> 
> To one point - she never expected something like what I wanted to do. I wanted to do it there because she would have loved it. No other reason.
> 
> ...


Wow, this girl is putting you in a no-win situation. Why would she do that?! Does she not see this?

If I were you and she doesn't come back to you and apologize for this, I would not propose at all. When she broaches the subject again, tell her that the situation is of her own doing.


----------



## pplwatching (Jun 15, 2012)

rwilson said:


> Eventually she talked to me last night but it essentially came down to she thought I was ready for marriage and now she doesn't. Anything I do now will seem under duress or I'm doing it because I should to do it, not because I want to.


My proposal to my wife was in a shopping mall, sitting on a bench as we watched people walk by. We were talking about marriage, about why people get married. What makes a good marriage. Why we would make good marriage partners. Then I looked at her and said, "we should get married." She agreed. That was it. No fan fare, no ring in hand, no proposal of a life time.

I would suggest that you do the same. Sit down with her and discuss your goals, priorities, hopes, dreams and a) What you think marriage is, b) Why you want to get married, c) Why you think you would make a great husband, and d) Why you want to be a husband to her specifically. If you are not ready to have that conversation, or can't answer any of those questions sincerely then you are not ready to be married. She needs to answer all of those questions too. If she can't (or won't) have that conversation, then she is not a good choice for a wife.

If coming to a mutual understand of what marriage is, why each of you wants to be married, and why each of you feels that the other is the right spouse doesn't clear the air then it's time to move on.

Edited to add, this is not a sales pitch. This is not "why you should marry me" or "why you should pick me". This is "are we both ready to be married?", "are we a good match", and "do we choose each other as permanent lovers and partners to each other without hesitation or reservation?" Don't beg, plead, convince, or cajole. Either she wants to be married to you, or she doesn't. 

Best to you both


----------



## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

OliviaG said:


> Wow, this girl is putting you in a no-win situation. Why would she do that?! Does she not see this?
> 
> If I were you and she doesn't come back to you and apologize for this, I would not propose at all. When she broaches the subject again, tell her that the situation is of her own doing.


wow I agree.

she ""thinks you aren't ready" but you bought a ring??

seems pretty immature to me. out of curiosity.....how old is this woman? 

I think her reaction says a lot about her character.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

rwilson said:


> Thanks, all.
> 
> To one point - she never expected something like what I wanted to do. I wanted to do it there because she would have loved it. No other reason.
> 
> ...




She thinks you're not ready because you failed to propose. Your silence is being interpreted as having second thoughts. She does not believe that you would fail to propose on the mere excuse that the weather didn't cooperate. (And frankly she has a point. See my first post to you)

So quit *****footing around! Do you want to marry this woman or not? If you want to marry her then ask her for crying out loud! 

You're over thinking yourself right out of this relationship!

Just do it!


----------

