# ? for WS- at what point did you stop answering questions



## fairydust (Mar 28, 2009)

My H has talked about the affair, mainly at MC but doesn't feel the need to keep talking about it. I still have questions. Some of my questions go back to when we started dating. 15 plus years ago, reason being is that when I look at things now I feel he probably cheated on me many times. See I knew he had drug and alcohol issues in the past and now I wonder if those late night outs were more than just partying. My gut tells me it is and I even told my H that.

I just want confirmation that I wasn't crazy and that what I felt was correct. I even told him I wasn't leaving him because of the truth I just needed to know for my own sanity. He refuses to talk anymore and won't answer anymore questions about the last affair either. 

Since OW is still our neighbor I do have more questions. I know that affair has ended 3 years ago but I've lost the emotional connection and no longer desire sex because his lack of willingness to help me. 

I even told him I was going to leave and asked that he get the money to give me my share of the house. I have no problems with him wanting to stay in our home but the emotional connection has just become too much for me to handle.

My H of course thinks nothing is wrong, everything will be fine. 

Did any of you WS refuse to help your partner even though they begged and pleaded with you for help? What happened? I never thought just plain talking would be so difficult.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

It's not difficult for you, but for him. There's bound to be feelings of shame & guilt. Ask your MC'r to help you both deal with your issues.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

At first my H gave me as little as he thought he could get away with in terms of info, played it down severely. His reason, he thought I'd leave him and what was important is that he did have an affair. He felt details not important. So he lied every time he downplayed it to me. He now tells me its all out that I know everything. Do I? How will I ever know? 

I am not so gullible to think the one and only time he cheated was 23 years in to the relationship and I found out. I think there were other times, maybe not sleeping with OW maybe so, but phone calls, inappropriate texts/emails, etc. He denies it but he's already proven he will deny the truth so I don't know. I've told him that, and in my heart I just know this was not the only time. 

So when do we know we have all the info? Its a catch 22. For me if he would have given total disclosure up front I might have stormed out, but I would have come back because I believe that someone who does everything you ask of them, is someone who wants to make it right. When they still lie, they do it to protect themself or because the are ashamed or do not want to deal with it. 

I'm in this same situation and what I am going to try to do is not ask the same questions. I know I will get same answer. I'm really going to try to refocus my thoughts elsewhere like on the positive things he has done to rebuild because that is moving forward. Its going to be tough, but I think that is what you should do to. There will be times that I won't succeed, you too then maybe those are the times that you can talk to him and ask him the questions you need answered. So don't let him off the hook but start to let go. How long has this been for you? 

I am also sorry OW is your neighbor. I think more importantly for you to move on. SHE doesn't matter you do. When you let go, she can't hurt you anymore. I no longer see OW but I do have a reminder, her family still lives one street over.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I knew I was never going to get the whole truth. So I simply assumed the worst. If you assume worst case scenario, and that means your husband cheated on multiple occasions, does that impact your decision to stay and work on the marriage, now?

I will say that I didn't stop looking for the truth, or a piece of that truth, but I knew I wasn't going to get it from her. I did eventually find a deleted, detailed email, and we were already separated at the point of that discovery. So, I understand the desire to have questions answered, but trying to pull them out of an uncooperative spouse will only lead to further frustration.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

You're not going to get the answers you seek. I'm resigned to that. Move on, get the poison out of your life.


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## fairydust (Mar 28, 2009)

It's been two years since I found out about the last affair.

I guess I was just looking to be able to feel comfortable that I was living with someone who could finally be honest with me. Apparently I'm living with someone who doesn't know how to be honest.

I wasn't surprised that he tried twice in the last few days to have sex but I said I needed to talk first. See my problem was I use to give in but this emotional disconnect has destroyed my sex drive. He obviously still doesn't get it.. his brain must be fried from all his previous drug use.


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## fairydust (Mar 28, 2009)

Investor-- I think your correct. I just wish he'd give me my share of the profits of the house so that I could move on. I don't want to leave without some money. I don't make that much and wouldn't be able to survive on my own. 

I've asked him before about leaving but he won't do what's needed to help me get out. 

I know I could and would work more than my full time job but I also have three kids that would need me around.


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

FD, if you really want to leave, you don't have to wait for him to come up with that money.

If a divorce is what you want, between your lawyers and the judge, the profits on the house will be split evenly one way or another. The house will either be sold, or if he wants to live in it, he will be force to come up with your half of the profits.


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## fairydust (Mar 28, 2009)

I'd like my half before I leave. I can't survive without paying off several bills first with just my income. I know if we split we would have equal custody of the kids.

Also we're not legally married. Even though we've been together close to 20 years our state no longer recognizes us as the same as a married couple.


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