# Remain Patient, or .... ?



## QMan (Nov 2, 2011)

I have been married for only 1 year. We have been together for 2years & friends for over 6 before our relationship started.

We have lived in fast forward since the day we began together. I love my life, I love my children & yes I very much love my stunningly beautiful wife. 

Now, here we begin. Our children are 2, 1 & #3 is due Oct/14. I believe she is suffering from major hormonal shifts and have tried my hardest to stay as patient as I can possibly be. I do my very best off of one income to give her anything and everything I can to allow her to stay home with the family I've made. I got us a 5 bedroom 3 bath house, just bought 2 new cars to fit the kids, I take care of 100% of all bills and spending, fully furnished, decorated just as we want it.....you name it, I am working my ass off to be a good man and provide it.

Something shifted, major anger and resentment about my work schedule, amount of time I spend at home, extreme arguments about time spent alone and together, and a sudden desperate need for her to start school/work etc and the conversations never end. I try to explain that I cannot afford daycare for 3 infants and that's why we decided the course we are on.....but she changed the game, she wants out of the house soon after baby #3 and I guess I better find the money. The condition of cleanliness in the vehicles, and our new home are deteriorating (which I view as a respect issue because I work so hard to provide these things). She also started using guilt about the amount I see my kids due to work, and that we aren't spending any time together. 

Then (I feel) she went looking for trouble, and invited _everyone in. Each and every one of our friends & family members know this is going on, one by one, emails, txts, coffees...she has taken her story of our marriage and offered it to all mutual friends and family. In turn, I am now responsible to answer questions I don't have an answer to......Its frustrating.
There is now, as a result of my vilification, a picture being painted that I don't like, and it has taken our marriage from a place that seemed manageable to now, I feel we may need to separate in house or out to stay good parents to these beautiful little people we created, because they don't deserve a mom and dad who fight, or in my case a dad who retreats, avoids, and agrees so there isn't a fight (when I do engage, I give it right back)

I just don't know how we went from where we started, to a place where more means more, alone time means war, dividing families, affair accusations, calling very old friends w****s on fb, screaming matches, leaving the house, and having everyone involved in this mess. I have given up almost all of my extra curriculars, I go to work, and I come home.

I went out on the weekend with all of my employees (who she has also talked to, so they are all aware) just to have some fun and reconnect with them. We all overindulged, so after dinner I called her and put the ball in her court (do I stay in town/sober up and drive) She went bezerk, told me I wasn't allowed home for the weekend. So I went bezerk in return and hit every bar in town with my 2 oldest friends (both female) and had an awesome night knowing either way I was in deep s***. It was a no-win situation. She's now publicly attacked our dearest friend and called her a "w***e" publicly via social media, and made a demand that she never speaks to me again.....nothing happened, I mean nothing. I don't know why her insecurity had to be directed at someone so close to all of us.

My gut is telling me, as much as she loves me, loves our kids, loves being a mom....I don't think she realized what she signed up for, and is trying to claw her way back to where she was before kids without really realizing the damage being done. In turn, I'm just the man who trapped her here.

There are a lot of hurt feelings across the board, both my wife and I, most of our friends, and our families. I feel (know) everyone is watching and waiting to see what happens here. I am terrified of losing my kids, I can't not live with them & see their little faces every day, even if it is just for breakfast time snuggles before I go to work (for them)_


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> There are a lot of hurt feelings across the board, both my wife and I, most of our friends, and our families. I feel (know) everyone is watching and waiting to see what happens here. I am terrified of losing my kids, I can't not live with them & see their little faces every day, even if it is just for breakfast time snuggles before I go to work (for them


You bring in all the money, pay all the bills, buy a 5br-3-Bath home, with two new cars, have two children and one on the way and now your wife has “major anger and resentment about my work schedule, amount of time I spend at home”? *Does she know that she is an adult now that has made some long term decisions?*


You and she have already made some moves that are pretty permanent right now. Your wife wanting to be a woman without children is way too late for that now! She wants you to make a bunch of changes so that she can go back to school? I would suggest that you get ready to take a stand. Think long and hard about what you are going to say then tell your wife that your situation is not going to change so that she can try and be without children and go to school. If you think that it would be better then get a counselor that can help you both communicate your situation without the two of you going at each other. Frankly by what you have said I would strongly suggest a counselor.




Your wife and you made the decisions to get married have three children and now those are the realities that you both are going to have to live with. *Your wife wanting to go backwards in life is entirely trying to back out of commitments that she has because of her decisions*. You need to NOT back down but get help so that this can have a chance of being resolved. Your wife seems unhappy with her decisions and now wants to upset a stable family so that she can be without responsibilities and act like a young carefree college student.



Qman. frankly your posts make me think that you are not taking a strong enough stand. What she wants is a bit ridiculous with the choices that you both have made. *She is dissatisfied and resentful about her life and wants you to change so that she can shuck her responsibilities.* That is what I see with what you have posted.


Patient is a virtue but do not make the mistake of thinking that patience is the same as compromising on living up to the decisions and responsibilities that you now have.



*Qman, you went drinking with two females? Stop that Shyt!
Would it be OK for your wife to go out drinking with some of Male frinds ?*


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I disagree very strongly with just about everything Mr. Blunt said above.

Your wife is still an adult with the right to make decisions about her own life.

Her deciding to go to school and/or getting a job does not equate to her wanting to be a woman without children.

Not all woman are cut out to be stay-at-home-moms (SAHM). 

If you go and tell your wife that she made her choice to be a SAHM and that's ONLY thing she will ever get to with her life, you will be putting the last nail in the coffin of your marriage.

Your wife might very well have some very good reasons for not wanting to be a SAHM. 

Would she be stratified with doing to school or working half time. Even if all her earnings from work to go paying for child care while she's at work, at least she will get to try something she thinks she needs.

There are some questions that it would be good to get answers to so that we can help you out here.

How many ours a week do you spend at work?

How many hours a week do you spend with your wife, just the two of you doing things that you both enjoy? (this is without the children)

When you went out the other night.. how many men were there and how many women?

Your wife has every right to be exceedingly upset with you for your going to with employees, drinking to much, not coming home. Then you top it off and go out bar hopping with two women.

you are the boss, why are you going out and getting drunk with your employees. This is really bad behavior for someone in your possession.

How often have you and this other woman gone out and done things together? How often do you leave your wife with the responsibility of taking care of your children while you go out partying and bar hopping with other women?


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

So your wife is home with 2 kids and pregnant and you go out without her for fun which will push her buttons given she is already upset about the amount of time you spend away. You overindulge which is a bad example to do in front of employees then go out with 2 girlfriends and live it up. 

The amount of disrespect you showed towards your wife should be quite obvious to you and her insecurities as you put them right now should be pretty obvious to you also. 99 out of a 100 guys are going to come home to deep s**t. 

Aside from the weekend of “poor choices” on your part she is probably feeling a little overwhelmed and losing her identity. You have responsibilities at home first and foremost, making the money doesn’t give you a free pass. You can afford daycare, you didn’t need 2 new cars etc, point being you can figure out how to afford daycare if you have to. 

She isn’t handling things correctly either resorting to the great rumormill called facebook and complaining to friends and family. Guess what no one really knows what they sign up for when they get married, not just her. Your becoming a slave to earning and career and she is becoming a slave to a home and kids. You love your life, she is not. You better start to really listen to her wants and start working on compromise.


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

Material goods are not the most important thing in a marriage believe it or not. How about respect, politeness and love. 

Granted the things your wife are doing maybe inappropriate, but they pale in comparison to your treatment of her and your family. It is though you are attempting to buy her off.

It is ridiculous that you are going out drinking with women and why are they your best friends? That is an issue right there. Why are you unable to form close friendships with other men? 

You cannot control the actions of your wife, but you can control your actions and the example you set for your children.

I say let your wife return to work or school. If need be get a smaller home and cheaper cars so you both can contribute to daycare. Life is about choices and priorities.

Giving up your outside activities is unhealthy. Your wife needs to realize that. You both need activities outside of work and home, and I do not mean drinking and hanging out with members of the opposite sex. MC is probably a good idea.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

QMan, update?


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> *BY Qman*
> Something shifted, major anger and resentment about my work schedule, amount of time I spend at home, extreme arguments about time spent alone and together, and a sudden desperate need for her to start school/work etc and the conversations never end. *I try to explain that I cannot afford daycare for 3 infants and that's why we decided the course we are on.....but she changed the game, she wants out of the house soon after baby #3 and I guess I better find the money*. The condition of cleanliness in the vehicles, and our new home are deteriorating






> *By Elegirl*
> Your wife is still an adult with the right to make decisions about her own life.



She has already made some significant decisions regarding finances and childen. *She can make some more decisions but not expect her husbnd to pay for her decisons that change their agreed upon earlier decisions.*

Elegirl, with your philosophy that means that Qman the husband can make decisions about his own life also right? That philosophy will not work well for keeping a marriage together. I am trying to get them to work out their problems with a counselor and to face the decisions that they have made. They have already made some pretty long term financial and children decisions that can last up to 10-15 years. That is not a lifetime and many women and men can go back to school in their 40s like I did.

She does not have the right to have resentments and anger towards her husband because she now wants to go to school. *She and her husband made the decision to have the 3 children and now she warts to change the game and expect her husband to make all kinds of changes including paying for childcare so she a go back to school.*


*If she wants to go back to school then she can pay for the child care and the school costs.* She and her husband made the decisions to buy a 3 br/5-bath home and now she wants him to spend more time with her and the children? That would be nice because spending time with children and spouse is important. However, they have made some decisions already and that means that someone has to pay for those decisions.




*



By Qman

Click to expand...

*


> I don't think she realized what she signed up for, and is trying to claw her way back to where she was before kids without really realizing the damage being done. In turn, I'm just the man who trapped her here.






> *By Elegirl*
> If you go and tell your wife that she made her choice to be a SAHM and that's ONLY thing she will ever get to with her life, you will be putting the last nail in the coffin of your marriage.



*No one said that she had to be a SAHW for the rest of her life.* However, she was involved in the decision to have 3 children and buy a 5br/3bath home and she now has some responsibilities to live up to her decisions. Like I said, she can go to school right now but she does not have the right to expect her husband to make all the changes and pay for her new changes. 




*To Qman*
Get a good professional counselor involved so that you do not make any more stupid mistakes like you going out drinking with two females. Also, your wife has some anger and resentments against you because she thinks that you do not spend enough time with her and the children and she wants to go back to school. There is going to have to be a reality check on the current balance of financial obligations and children obligations. In addition, you feel that she is allowing your new home and vehicles to deteriorate while you are “working your ass off to be a good man and provide” * You both need help to work through some serious problems.*




> *By Qman*
> I feel we may need to separate in house or out to stay good parents to these beautiful little people we created, because they don't deserve a mom and dad who fight, or *in my case a dad who retreats, avoids, and agrees so there isn't a fight*


Because you retreat, avoid, and agree to appease your wife and not fight, that is why I said: 
“I would suggest that you get ready to take a stand.”
“Frankly by what you have said I would strongly suggest a counselor.”


If your wife is expecting you to make changes because she has decided to change the arrangement you both decided on so that she can go back to school and have you pay for child care, then you need to stand firm and get help.


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