# am i expecting too much?



## honkytonkwoman (Aug 2, 2010)

We've been married for 17 yrs, together for 23, two teenage children (we are both 40), so we've grown up together really. Basically, I don't think he loves me anymore. He's not unkind to me, we get along fine most of the time, have common interests etc, but I feel that he treats me more like a cross between his mother and a sister/friend. There is no romance at all in our lives, he rarely initiates sex, and if he does I feel that it's more to do with a physical need than actually wanting to make love to his wife. If I ask him outright "Do you love me?" he will give me some reply along the lines of "have i done anything to suggest that I don't?" He seems pretty content, we have talked about things before and he seems resigned to the idea that long term marriages are more about companionship and shared interests, and that love and romance take a back seat. I can see where he's coming from, but wheras that may be enough for him, it is not enough for me! I have watched my parents stay together "because of the kids" and have a totally love free marriage, I do not want to get to old age and find myself in the same boat as them...I have thought more and more about separation but it is such a huge step, and who knows if I would find anyone else anyway? Am i expecting too much from marriage? Incidentally I do show him affection, but he doesn't really reciprocate...we do spend time together aswell, but again it's more like spending time with a mate than a husband


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

To a lot of us here, this doesn't sound great, but its also not toxic. No one has had an affair (that you mention) and no one has done any real damage. Its just flat. In these cases, I think you need to make your needs clear (sounds like you've tried), do some reading (Love Languages) and maybe suggest marriage therapy.

Separations more often than not are the beginning of the end. I think you have some other options available that you should try first.

At the end of the day, its your life. No one knows your situation better than you. You deserve to be happy. But there is no guarantee you'll be any happier alone than with a glorified roommate. 

Good luck!


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## LVS (Apr 5, 2010)

honkytonkwoman said:


> ... it is not enough for me! I have watched my parents stay together "because of the kids" and have a totally love free marriage, I do not want to get to old age and find myself in the same boat as them...


Through this point i started my fight against the reality that i was living i went through separation under the same roof and now i moved out and filed for divorce

But your life is much better than mine and it is not hopeless you just need to find a way to turn back the flame in your relationship. AND NO you are not expecting too much from marriage you deserve to be happy and loved you still can work to save your relationship

I agree with nice777guy, some reading and marriage counseling.
You can check marriage builder this site is very helpful
Marriage Builders® Questionnaires

It's true it needs the two of you to work for that but sometimes even one person can do a lot to rebuild love.


Good luck and keep us posted


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## honkytonkwoman (Aug 2, 2010)

Thanks, I will do some reading...I don't think I would be able to convince him to get involved with that at this point...as he seems to think our situation is perfectly normal and acceptable so what's to fix?! On the affair issue, I don't think for one second he is having one, I don't think he's that interested that he could be bothered with the effort involved (also he leaves his phone lying around and is pretty much accounted for most of the time). He did have a drunken one night stand ten years ago which he confessed to straight away, and to be honest at the time we seemed to get closer because of it...unfortunately it just didn't last


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