# I would like to have sex more often but how I end this cycle?



## Phoenix_87 (Dec 24, 2012)

well its really a long story ...
I have been married for 1 year and 4 months, honestly our marriage is like a rollercoaster periods of happiness followed by "crisis". Im 25 he is 24 y/o. We both work in the same thing earn the same $$$. CUrrently leaving at my parents and his parents because he doesnt have any $ to rent a place (thats what he claims) I pay the car that we both use. Husband has left for a couple of days then come back I have left too only for a day, stuff like that. Our more recent "separation" was on christmas, we had a fight I say stuff I later regret H recognised he overreacted and wanted to come back. Since like 6 months ago I've been suggesting going to a marriage therapist he agrees but when I show him phone numbers and credentials he justs says "Oh that be good" and thats it. You get the picture! 
I perceive he is unhappy because he would like to feel more wanted sexually. We have sex from 2-4 times per week 95% of the time he initates it and is the missionary position mostly. He would like to see more action. more positions and oral sex which I detest giving I dont know why it kind of repulses me lately if it wasnt like this before , there was a time when I even enjoy it and made me feel aroused. 
Actually before getting married I used to like sex a LOT,daily was a must. I was thinking about sex all the time now I just lost interest but is odd because when i read about sex I get aroused, if I watch porn I think about sex and feel like mastrubating but I dont because I dont think is right. Im not interested in other guys, and I feel attracted to my H but dont want sex because I feel he treats me like a sexual object throughout the day he just talks about random stuff I dont feel loved, im talking to him while he sits in the computer chatting on FB or looking at random pictures of people he dont even know, he is not cheating I know that. He practicaly ignores me . like romantically ignores me all day and expects me to feel in the mood at night. Oh and if he kisses me during the day I surely know he wants sex. I feel he only touches me when he wants sex and he says he feels unloved for lack of sex, I say the lack of sex is because I feel unloved. So you see the cycle
How I break it? And what I can do to stop hating oral sex?
H accuses me of not having sexual drive but I do like in my mind I fantasize about having sex and stuff but when we are together this justs vanishes. am I messed up?


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Phoenix_87 said:


> well its really a long story ...
> I have been married for 1 year and 4 months, honestly our marriage is like a rollercoaster periods of happiness followed by "crisis". Im 25 he is 24 y/o. We both work in the same thing earn the same $$$. CUrrently leaving at my parents and his parents because he doesnt have any $ to rent a place (thats what he claims) I pay the car that we both use. Husband has left for a couple of days then come back I have left too only for a day, stuff like that. Our more recent "separation" was on christmas, we had a fight I say stuff I later regret H recognised he overreacted and wanted to come back. Since like 6 months ago I've been suggesting going to a marriage therapist he agrees but when I show him phone numbers and credentials he justs says "Oh that be good" and thats it. You get the picture!
> I perceive he is unhappy because he would like to feel more wanted sexually. We have sex from 2-4 times per week 95% of the time he initates it and is the missionary position mostly. He would like to see more action. more positions and oral sex which I detest giving I dont know why it kind of repulses me lately if it wasnt like this before , there was a time when I even enjoy it and made me feel aroused.
> Actually before getting married I used to like sex a LOT,daily was a must. I was thinking about sex all the time now I just lost interest but is odd because when i read about sex I get aroused, if I watch porn I think about sex and feel like mastrubating but I dont because I dont think is right. Im not interested in other guys, and I feel attracted to my H but dont want sex because I feel he treats me like a sexual object throughout the day he just talks about random stuff I dont feel loved, im talking to him while he sits in the computer chatting on FB or looking at random pictures of people he dont even know, he is not cheating I know that. He practicaly ignores me . like romantically ignores me all day and expects me to feel in the mood at night. Oh and if he kisses me during the day I surely know he wants sex. I feel he only touches me when he wants sex and he says he feels unloved for lack of sex, I say the lack of sex is because I feel unloved. So you see the cycle
> ...


You know sex is an issue. While his behavior does not help, it is unclear whether it is cause or effect. Based on your post, it's possible he checks out because you show little sexual interest in him. Although it is regular, that he almost always initiates and sex is generally missionary sends a strong signal you are doing just enough to get by and are unattracted to him.

I see two red flags, that are concerning because they reflect the possible presence of sexual shame.

1) You hate oral sex. That IMO is a learned trait based on bad teaching (you've been repeatedly told it gross) or maybe abuse.
2) You think masturbation is wrong. Again, that is a learned trait. It's only wrong when you are doing it as a replacement for sex with your spouse.
3) You feel shame when watching porn and getting aroused.

So, you say you have recommended MC to him. You've even found some suitable counselors to try out. He appears to agree with your selections. Why not take the next step and make an appointment? Were you waiting for him to do it, and if so do you see how that also looks like you expect him to do the work?

Two recommendations:

1) Select a marriage therapist and make the appointment. Make sure that the counselor you select reflects both your needs and goals. For instance, if you had a Christian upbringing that said oral and masturbation was wrong, and that is an issue, be very careful about selecting a therapist taking a Christian approach.

2) Get yourself an individual counselor to deal with the sexual aversion and shame issues.


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## Phoenix_87 (Dec 24, 2012)

DTO said:


> You know sex is an issue. While his behavior does not help, it is unclear whether it is cause or effect. Based on your post, it's possible he checks out because you show little sexual interest in him. Although it is regular, that he almost always initiates and sex is generally missionary sends a strong signal you are doing just enough to get by and are unattracted to him.
> 
> I see two red flags, that are concerning because they reflect the possible presence of sexual shame.
> 
> ...


First of all, thanks your reply is very helpful. 
I think my low sex desire is because I've lost respect for my H. or probably we both lost that respect. In my case is due to my H not doing anything to get our own place to live, to pay the car and stuff like that. I believe our best shot is the MC, and I haven´t made the appointment because then I would have to pay for it and I want him to get involved to, but now I am willing to pay for it, because I just want this problems to stop and I am sure sex is a very huge thing for my H, and if he feels wanted he will start showing more love and acting different. 
about hating oral sex I don't know why this thoughts "invaded" my mind now I think is humilliating :S 
You are right I have a Christian background but I used to be pretty open minded about sex. I think I just lost the interest cause of this situation where I feel my H only wants me for sex.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

You're both in your prime, young, no kids and have sex 2 - 4x each week. Great.

But he initiates 95% of the time? Myself, I'd like it if my wifee initiated 50% of the time, instead of always me. I need to feel wanted to an extent, not one sided.

When my wife and I first had sex, it was her giving me BJ. First time, I told her, want me to pull out, I'm about to go......she said, no, in my mouth, so its always been in her mouth and she swallows. Now she doesn't love it but she knows it drives me crazy, so she does it. But I let her have total control when she gives me BJ's because she is more comfortable that way. And I have her fav chocolate almond milk on her night stand for afterwards. I always have a shower beforehand, so I'm very clean down there. I would love to give her oral but she usually doesn't want me going down there due to her insecurities and size.

Try this, while he is on FB, start passionately licking/kissing his neck........pretend to drop a pencil and give him a BJ. Grab his hand and lead him to the bedroom. When I'm on the computer too much at times, the wifee doesn't like that, but she never takes the initiative or just takes me either. If she did, computer is off for the rest of the evening / night. What computer?

He is in his sexual prime and basically, its sex, sex, sex. He only does this with you and no other woman. He thinks you're hot, not just a sexual object. If he stopped doing these things, would you like it better?

I also am a God fearing man "Christian" but have always had a HD, so my faith has nothing to do with that.

If you like to occasionally watch porn, watch a movie with him and do what the actors/actresses do in the movie. If you have fantasies, fetishes, etc., just do it with him. You'll be hard pressed to find a guy say no to a young sexy woman doing these things. And when you both get older, the sex drive will drop. Mine did when I hit my late 20's, so now I weight train, take natural supplements and my sex drive is really bad again, like I was in the teens / early 20's.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Phoenix_87 said:


> First of all, thanks your reply is very helpful.
> *I think my low sex desire is because I've lost respect for my H. or probably we both lost that respect.* In my case is due to my H not doing anything to get our own place to live, to pay the car and stuff like that. I believe our best shot is the MC, and I haven´t made the appointment because then I would have to pay for it and I want him to get involved to, but now I am willing to pay for it, because I just want this problems to stop and I am sure sex is a very huge thing for my H, and if he feels wanted he will start showing more love and acting different.
> about hating oral sex I don't know why this thoughts "invaded" my mind now I think is humilliating :S
> You are right I have a Christian background but I used to be pretty open minded about sex. I think I just lost the interest cause of this situation where I feel my H only wants me for sex.


Your self diagnosis seems likely to me Phoenix. I'm sure there are many variables here and some for you to work on but I can't imagine him not taking care of business and providing makes you all hot for him.

Until you guys get your own place without depending on yours and his parents, I don't think he is very deserving of respect and until you have respect for him I don't see how you can enjoy sex on an emotional level. It's just physical.


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## Phoenix_87 (Dec 24, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> Try this, while he is on FB, start passionately licking/kissing his neck........pretend to drop a pencil and give him a BJ. Grab his hand and lead him to the bedroom. When I'm on the computer too much at times, the wifee doesn't like that, but she never takes the initiative or just takes me either. If she did, computer is off for the rest of the evening / night. What computer?
> 
> He is in his sexual prime and basically, its sex, sex, sex. He only does this with you and no other woman. He thinks you're hot, not just a sexual object. If he stopped doing these things, would you like it better?


I might try that  and I'll see if my H responds being more affectionate in a non sexual way.


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## AnonGuyinhistwenties (Dec 29, 2012)

Your scenario sounds really familiar!

As a guy, whenever sex was not fulfilling or plentiful, it lead to powerful insecurities. You're his wife. The only person in this world he is allowed to touch and love. Guys feel "love" through sex more often than not. It is probably painful for him! he is probably shielding his emotions by being distant--don't care don't hurt right? Just trying to understand the powerful connection good sex has for a man is great step! 

however it is not only the sex, he himself should try to emotionally connect with you! He needs to share his priorities, goals, and achievements with you. 

You need to have a long discussion with him, and be straightforward with your goals and needs. It seems like both of you have checked out "if he/she doesn't try, I wont' either!" You need to reestablish what each others expectations are, and set a time frame for them! Most importantly always be proactive. Both people need button up and be more decisive.


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