# Recently Separated



## brokenoptimist (Aug 23, 2015)

Hi. I have been separated from my husband of 21 years for 4 days. We were together 6 years prior to marriage and have three great kids. Our relationship has always been one of mutual respect, love and understanding. However, I was diagnosed with cancer (advanced stage) 2.5 years ago. Everything spiral down after that.

I went through several surgeries and chemotherapy. It took a full year to recover. During the cancer, I did my best to stay strong and healthy and continued to take care of my kids. My husband did the best he could, but it was wearing on him. Within a year of finishing my treatment, my father passed away and six months after that, one of my closest friends' died from cancer. Needless to say, my normal happy personality hit a low and I experienced my first bout with depression. My husband told me several months ago that he had been unhappy with me the last year because I wasn't the same person. And I needed help. I listened to him and started seeing a counselor and did eventually take medication to help. Within two months of that, I felt so much better and looked at things positively. However, for my husband it was " too little too late." He claims to understand WHY I was different, considering the adversity I had faced. But, he decided to leave me a few days ago. He says he still loves me but he needs space and peace. And right now, he is stressed. I feel like a complete failure and I am very upset that he would leave me after I had been through the worst patch of my life. I am hoping we will be able to work things out, but right now, I feel vulnerable and alone.

The kids (teenagers) are with me. We are trying a trial separation so for now, no attorneys are involved. He's been very generous as far as finances go and the kids and I are staying in our home. Right now, I am working on getting back into the workforce which will take some time (I left my profession many years ago to raise the kids). I'm sure most people don't get married thinking they may end up separated. we both decided divorce is off the table. 

He said he needed to leave so I could improve myself and he felt I couldn't do that with him around. If it were my choice, he would;t have moved out and we would have worked together to fix things. He refuses to see a counselor either for himself or together. I want so much to believe we have a chance since our foundation is good, but I don't want to be naive. I found this site and decided to share my story because my husband does NOT want anyone to know he has left! I told some close family and my two best friends. He has shared this news with no friends or family. I don't know what to think or make of his behavior or his decision making right now. I just needed to vent and read others stories so I don't feel I'm alone. Thank You for Reading! :smile2:


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Do you think he is cheating, and is staying with another female??

Realize, I might be coming from different situation, but it seems funny that he says he was unhappy with you and you needed help. You go that help, yet he refuses (like he doesn't want ot open up what he is doing)?? 

Almost like, he wanted to say he was unhappy... Then didn't expect you to do anything, so that he could come back later, and say... see, you didn't improve yourself, so I'm out. It backfired on him, because you DID get help. You are a happier person...
So now he plays the "Too little too late" card??? Sounds to me like he already had an escape clause all settled in his mind. It didn't work exactly like he wanted.

If I were you I'd "out" him to his family, to his friends... .to anyone that will talk some reasoning into him. Tell them that he has left you. They will ask questions and get down to the bottom of it. He does not want to admit to whatever he is doing/feeling. That is why he wants you to be all "hush-hush" about it.

Make him man-up and own his decision to leave you. Make him explain it to his momma, without admitting that he found someone else while you were recovering.

I really hope I'm just wrong. But You need more people on your side trying to get him to go to counseling or trying to get him to open up.


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## brokenoptimist (Aug 23, 2015)

Hi Chelle and thank you for your response. I hate to think I'm gullible woman. I asked him straight out if there was someone else and he adamantly denied it. He has always been an honorable person, but who knows?

I thought maybe he's turning 50 and reevaluating his life? He says he "feels like a failure" because he is giving up. He took me on a few vacations which I loved, but the depression was still there when we got home. It's almost like he wanted to "fix" me and his method didn't work. I had to fix myself. The problem was he never expressed his unhappiness until he was at the end of his rope. Can't be a mind reader, right? I had no idea he was unhappy.

He told me that if I share our troubles with his family or friends, it would "jeopardize" our chances of reconciliation because he doesn't want anyone involved. I'm a very strong, independent person and I have never been so unsure of myself until now. I thought about calling his best friend, but would that seem desperate?


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## brokenoptimist (Aug 23, 2015)

I should also mention he got an apartment two miles from me. Wants the children every other weekend. So, I know he's not sharing a space with another woman. He wants to meet once a week to discuss finances, kids and eventually even "date" again. I'm a mess....


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

If he does not want the separation to become public knowledge, it is possible he will come back. Or he could be leery of being seen as the "bad guy" who left you after your illness and tragedies.

My twenty-year marriage ended last year, after a decade of my chronic health issues, as well as the deaths of two of my siblings and both parents. I changed a lot...and due to pain, could no longer do the activities and traveling we enjoyed so much in the earlier years. I stopped working. And then he became depressed, partly over his job but also our situation. Anyway he asked me to move out late last year and I did. I hated our house and was glad to leave the tense atmosphere, to be honest, and am much less stressed and happier since. We are in the midst of a divorce now. I think we had both decided it was over at the time, as we never tried counseling or reconciling. Too much damage had been done. 

It is impossible to say whether your marriage is over for good. Did he sign a long lease? Is he living someplace that he likes and is comfortable? Or does it seem more like a temporary stopping point? We did not have any kids so it was probably a lot simpler for us to stay apart. But you probably need to begin to prepare yourself mentally for permanent separation just in case. Sometimes life just "kills" relationships. That is what happened to ours.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

brokenoptimist said:


> I hate to think I'm gullible woman. I asked him straight out if there was someone else and he adamantly denied it. He has always been an honorable person, but who knows?


Cheaters will lie to you. Anything to save face. Too many times on here, posters come back and say, "yep, you guys were right, my H/W was cheating. I can't believe I was so stupid."

So it would be best to do a little digging and see what you can find out. It will have a serious impact on the advice you receive and how you should approach the separation.

Start here: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html#post9756666


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

brokenoptimist said:


> I should also mention he got an apartment two miles from me. Wants the children every other weekend. So, I know he's not sharing a space with another woman. He wants to meet once a week to discuss finances, kids and eventually even "date" again. I'm a mess....


By the way, you are GRIEVING THE MULTIPLE LOSSES YOU EXPERIENCE. That's not depression. You need to read up the grieving process as an optimist its probably fairly new to you. Trust me on this, if you can still laugh at a funny joke, you are your same old self just working through your losses which mean you are HUMAN. DUDE


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

He is separating Because he wants you to become a better person? Yet he refuses to do anything about himself such as IC. Furthermore he wants his move to be a secret? Separation won't help fix things especially if he won't do MC also.
Do not take him at his word, investigate, men rarely leave to live alone, he may have an OW meeting his needs when you were sick. 
Start by letting everyone know he has moved out, do not assist him in hiding this, it will seem you agreed to his arrangement. It is a mean thing to do to his family tbh. 
Then do 180 on him, you have to be emotionally prepared so detaching now is a good idea
Contact a good lawyer and see what your rights are.


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## Pam (Oct 7, 2010)

He is disgusting. You needed his support, he bailed.


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