# I stopped seeing the OM and then...



## whynot (Apr 16, 2010)

SOme of you know that I have been involved since Late winter in a sexual affair. I did not see him all summer long and talked with my therapist about ending contact period, since the only negative effect of not seeing him was weight gain from no sex. 

Then, he emailed and called and called. Apparently, there may be some feelings under the surface... being denied outright. I thought it was just sex, and thats what he said it was too... 

I suggested he find someone else, as many women would flock to him (he is pretty hot). He said you would think, but its not that easy. 

My husband is in another one of his emotional tantrum phases... so he is distant again and withholding even more. It seems to happen every fall, dont know why. In the middle of having concern for these 2 emotionally fragile men... is me. The other man takes to romance to get over his insecurity and my husband takes to abuse. I still cant leave the marriage, what do I do? Please dont give advice on the basis of marriage saving... its more self saving at this point. The other man was my safe place during the times of abuse with my husband... providing a sense of calm in the middle of his emtional storms. I would get through the night, wait for my husband to leave and then connect up for some calm time, come home and scurry around to do all the little OCD things he has to have done or he takes it out on me. 

And no, my husband refuses to go to conseling together or alone, he doesnt have an issue as far as he is concerned.


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## mommyof31982 (Sep 6, 2010)

Excuse me for not knowing your story but why in the world cant you leave an abusive relationship?


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

I'm confused as well. Why stay in the marriage?


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

you love your husband? if you do then I think somehow you need to figure out what his problems are and try to help him square all that away for him, he needs to feel safe in that, don't pressure him maybe one question a week, so he starts to feel comfortable talking to you about what is wrong, stop seeing or talking to the OM, you are married and your husband needs you and he deserves all of you.......Respect him, work on yourself, figure out what in you makes you stray from a commitment you have made to someone and yourself.......
If in the end this marriage isn't for you, you can start again, but for now you need to put a 100% into yourself and your husband.....


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I was the emotionally abusive husband, and I finally figured it out when my wife was stay out all night and it was getting so bad that I was waking up in the middle of the night to find her gone. (after going to bed together) I was at a point were it was obvious there was someone else. So I cofronted her and we are working it out.

I quess what I'm saying is dont throw it in his face, but to confront your husband and let him know you have been see someone that is not abusive and let our husband make the discision to change. Unfortunatly he may want to leave instead and I understand you want the marriage to work but he is abusive, so at least you can go to sleep knowing you are know being honest.
The confrontation is really scary because you never know what direction the spouse will go.


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## whynot (Apr 16, 2010)

I cant leave bc my children love him. They have only seen him be abusive with me once and we talked about it with them after to make sure they understood the un-understandable.

I know he will not hurt me enough to leave marks etc bc he has his career to look out for and he wont risk it... but it can get painful physically and emotionally. The emotional scars are taking their toll on me, but I am working on maintaining my calm in the face of anxiety.

I wouldnt throw it in my husbands face... Im not doing it to hurt him, I did it for simply selfish personal satisfaction reasons that my husband was refusing me. I wanted to remind myself what its like to be with someone who doesnt say no to advances or someone who likes being seduced by an attractive woman. 

Thanks for your responses about this and your insight "the guy" having been on the other side of this. It is terrifying to even think about confronting him, so a little at a time and carefully sounds great, jessi. I am hopeful he will return to being the man I fell in love with, the one I see glimmers of everynow and then.

So, be strong and say goodbye to the other man for sure... it has already been 3 and 1/2 months since I last saw the other man, so he is just a distant fond memory of a sexual soul mate that could never be in reality, I knew that from the start, affairs are fantasy thats why they are seen with rose colored glasses. I smile in rememberance, so perhaps I should just keep it that way.


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

whynot said:


> I cant leave bc my children love him. They have only seen him be abusive with me once and we talked about it with them after to make sure they understood the un-understandable. I know he will not hurt me enough to leave marks etc bc he has his career to look out for and he wont risk it...


My mom used to think the same thing as well about my father whynot. Yet as a man in my 30s I now have a scar running across my chin, crooked nose, screws in my shoulder and other marks that show the abuse can quickly and easily change focus to the kids.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I understand, my wife needed the same thing. I hadnt kissed her in years and she stayed with me, I quess it was her boytoys. 

I think you and we all have our own situations, and there were times were she was "good" for years then she was "bad". I believe it was my behaviors that caused this. This was my point If he doesnt fix his behavior, you may relaps into another fake relationship for attention you are not getting. 

I hope you find a way to get your husband to see what he is doing/or not doing.
I wish I could tell you what caused me to see the light after 19 years of a troubled marraige, but I believe it was God that turned on my light bulb, b/c my wife, was more and more heading for a very dangerous outcome to her past behaviors. 
Again I hope some how you could show your husband what his behavior is doing to you- and he changes


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## whynot (Apr 16, 2010)

the guy said:


> I understand, my wife needed the same thing. I hadnt kissed her in years and she stayed with me, I quess it was her boytoys.
> 
> I think you and we all have our own situations, and there were times were she was "good" for years then she was "bad". I believe it was my behaviors that caused this. This was my point If he doesnt fix his behavior, you may relaps into another fake relationship for attention you are not getting.
> 
> ...


God's word is what I was trying to use to open his eyes, as he comes from such a religous family... however, once I started this affair I felt hypocritical using His word when I was going against it. I did refernce still bc I still believe in my relationship with God... I have just disappointed the almighty Father with my choice... but he knows that we all make mistakes. 

I dont know if my husband will ever see... there are times when I think he has... we had our first good month of our entire marriage this summer.... I thought we were headed in a good direction but when he gets comfortable he gets inattentive and actually lazy. He did express seeing that when we were having semi regular sex and time together we were happier.... but then he stops everything out of the blue.

I will keep trying what Jessi suggested and then go from there. Thanks for all your suggestions.


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