# When "FRIENDS" don't understand your marriage problems...



## savannah (Apr 4, 2008)

_My friend and I have been friends since we were 13. We've shared a lot together, grew up , lead seperate lives after high school, got re-connected again after 20 years.

Soon after I shared with her my issues in my marriage,with my husband seemingly being BPD, thinking of all people she would understand and support me.. I get it, she might not completely understand the situation, but it makes me really sad that instead of being a friend, she instead is negatively giving me advice. She is quick to tell me to leave my H - And not at all concerned I have children. 

She is not married, been with the same man 20 yrs., no kids.

Could her insensitivity just be from having a different life than me? :scratchhead:_


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## Accipiter777 (Jul 22, 2011)

She's not the friend you had 20 years ago....


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

It could just be that she is telling you to do what she would do in the situation. She doesn't have the thought process of the kids feelings, etc...

I don't think she is trying to be insensative, but just sounds like shes either uncomfortable with letting you talk to her about it & vent to her... or she's like a man & thinks that you only wanted a "solution" & gave you the solution she would have done.

Not all vents are meant to come up with immediate solutions... and some ppl just don't get that.


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

Just curious of what you wanted/expected her to do or say? I know I would have said the same thing she did. I don't see the point of complaining with no plan or desire to do anything about it. I don't see the point of living with problems and complaining about them. I don't see the point of complaining. "You poor thing" is not in my vocabulary in cases like that because it's no more productive than the complaining is. I also don't believe children are a reason to get married nor are reason to remain in an unhappy marriage. So, if someone complains to me about their husband, their children would not be a consideration. They wouldn't be the first children of divorce and have to live with the mistakes of their parents, which includes their births being a mistake as a product of an unhappy marriage.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I am VERY PROTECTIVE of my friends. Two in particular that I would NEVER want to see hurt. Their pain effects me and if they came to me with things that puts them in danger, I would probably speak out of fear first because I do love them like sisters.

I'm a momma bear. Can't help it.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

My friends all share their problems with me...I think I am a magnet for such things.... I listen , I ask alot of questions.... in doing this, they learn about themselves as they answer.... I learned a long long time ago... when taking a class for a Hotline I volunteered for....people do NOT want our advice as much as they just NEED someone to listen to them and to understand their feelings .....

....Many times.....just doing this helps lift their burdens some...they may even talk themselves out of their own dilemmas...or feel better with some encouragement that -they are not alone, we care about them, we want the best for them. Poeple will only receive advice if they first feel they have been "heard" .

Your friend jumped too quickly to the advice.


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## savannah (Apr 4, 2008)

I understand people all have different opinions/reactions... I suppose that I am just a bit thrown off on how the response was not so on the insensitive side. 

Her response was yes, very direct. Almost like if she would give an advice as if my H was just my BF... 

However, I noticed that becasue her lifestyle has not changed drastically like all our other friends with marriage, kids, career changes... the way she thinks is STILL as we were back in high school .. simply put. 

Outside of problems I tell her, she has very little interest in any of us who have changed since... Almost like she talks to us seperate from who we are now, so it "seems" like insensitivity but I suppose she is talking to me without any regard to everything else accompanying the marriage...

I respect her opinion, but still wonder if that's just it.. she may be a diffent person than I remembered too. Gone was the way she was where aside from giving her advice, she would also make me feel better... now it is only straight out advice with no regard for how I felt... its a take it or leave it advice.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I'm with River....what did you want her to say?


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

I have always been that friend that is honest, to the point, and upfront with what I think/feel about the problems someone brings to me.

The friends I do have, love me for this, and praise this fact. Amusingly enough, they will also hide things from me, knowing that they did something stupid, and I will tell them that point blank.

I think for any of us to understand the situation fully, we'd have needed to hear the conversation that transpired. I also know that after hearing someone with the same problems over and over again, or even in a long drawn out venting, I will eventually just tell them how to solve it. If it bothers you that much, why not end it?

Your friend was probably just trying to say what she thought was the solution to your problem. Not all friends sugar coat things, I have come right out and told my friends i don't visit because of their spouses and the treatment from said person. harsh? maybe. rude? a little. Honest? definitely and I base all my relationships on honesty.

Take her words for what they are, her advice on what she thinks will help you, she could very well be right. My best friend was, and I fought long and hard to avoid what she saw and said.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> Her response was yes, very direct. Almost like if she would give an advice as if my H was just my BF...


If you share a lot of bad things that your H has done, and seem to always be upset and depressed, and then share how upset you are...yes, people will question why you stay and will advise you to leave. Especially if she already knows what you and your H are or are not doing about these issues.

Sometimes a situation appears no-win to others when you describe it to them, and they can't come to any other conclusions on how to help you other than to advise that you get out of a bad situation. Even if, or especially if, you have kids who will also suffer from living with someone who has BPD behaviors.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that people respond to what you tell them, and sometimes what you tell them sounds like you'd be better off leaving, even if that means divorce. She called it like she saw it.


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