# Temporary Separation advice?



## MelodyFlag (Oct 27, 2015)

Hi everyone! I've been reading around the forum and seen some great advice so wondered if anyone could help me at all if they have the time. 

I've been with my husband for 8 years, got married when I was 21. Although there's a lot of good aspects to our relationship I seriously messed up the past couple of years.... 

I got into some financial difficulties which I hid from my husband. He has very high standards for us and is a perfectionist. He has a great career, earns a great salary, is very active in learning new skills for hobbies, being healthy, house looking sparkling. I always had a few self esteem issues but they've got worse over the years, developing into depression and anxiety disorder. Began self medicating with alcohol. Never felt like I was "keeping up" with him so got in a bad habit of not telling him when I got things wrong so he'd think I was "good". Was feeling suicidal which I know sounds dramatic.

Basically I've been really stupid and 10 days ago he found out about the financial issues and drinking. He thought it'd be a good idea if I stayed with my mother for "a few" days as he felt a "change in environment" would be helpful so I could work on improving myself. 

During this time he so far hadnt spoken to me except for sending me photos of our pets, things he's been doing etc. (No words included or anything). The first words he sent to me were last night "you didnt tell me your account is overdrawn". That was all he said.

I feel like we need to actually talk properly but he doesn't like talking about feelings, plus its unhelpful to my mental state at the moment for the focus to be all about the money issue. My mothers helping me sort that out. But I don't wanna seem like I'm being dismissive of what happened if I tell him that I can't let that be my only focus right now. 

Kind of wondering how to move forward with him so I can (hopefully) go home and work on getting better


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

What do you mean you self medicate with alcohol? Do you now have a drinking problem?

Your husband is trying to figure things out. He is most likely very angry that you hid your financial problems from him. 

Do you have loads of cc debts? Or below $5000. 

Why did you get into debt?
Why are you over spending?
Do you keep your finances separate?

What do you plan to do differently when you return home? Are you going to go to AA and get help with anxiety? 

You are going to need to get some help with your issues. Start working on yourself and then include husband. You need to figure out how you are going to pay off your debt and have a plan to show your husband. It's your home too, go back home when you are ready. You don't need his permission to go back to your home. 

Have a plan and start working on it to show that you intent to change.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Melody, I am guessing that you feel like you have a parent -child role with your husband, and his dismissiveness towards you is treated in the manner you would a child. Has this always been the case in your relationship? my fear is that your are trying to live to his ideals and you are not comfortable in that manner, and it brings you down...you are not being you. am i on the right track?


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## MelodyFlag (Oct 27, 2015)

Thank you for the replies! 

Brooklyn, in answer to your questions:

Yes I have a drinking problem now. My debts are below $5000. Our finances are separate. I wanted them to be joint but H felt that I should "learn to be better" at managing my own money. I got behind on the rent (which I was put in charge of paying) because my business got into difficulties and so I had to catch up with it before he "found out". I know its ridiculous. 

I had recognised my drinking had got out of control about a year ago so I'm already attending alcohol counselling. He just didn't know I was going there. I'm also already in therapy for my anxiety disorder (he knows I have that so he was aware about all that). I've also found an AA group near my house which I am going to attend. Didn't want to do it before because I was shy of the group situation but I'm willing to try anything now. I'm also going to be put on some meds for the anxiety/depression. Something I didn't want to do before. My mother has also helped me get an appointment for debt counselling so I can get that sorted out. If there's anything else I should do that I haven't thought of I'll do it!

Xenote, you've actually put into words exactly what is happening. I feel like a kid trying to hide bad grades from a parent who wants you to get all As and go to Harvard or something. But I don't know how to explain to him that this kind of attitude he has is not something that works for me without sounding like I'm blaming him. The way I have behaved is completely silly and that's my own fault:/ and yes its always been this way but I didn't really recognise it when I was younger unfortunately.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Marriage is about partnership. Anyone who enters a marriage and assume the role of parent is bound to be disappointed in the other person. Because that person is going in with the "I know more and better than you do " attitude. 

Explain to him how he makes you feel and let him know, you guys need MC to go about reestablishing your relationship.

Was he giving you money for rent? Or you pay rent? 

I would advice you to pack your bags and go home. He cannot tell you not to come home. Its your home too. He cant just say you have been bad, now go to your mother's. Go home. You don't need his permission. You need to learn how to develop a backbone and stand up for yourself. 

I am glad you are getting help. You have to be open with him about everything because lying will only cause more stress. Which will lead to negative feelings and hiding and drinking again. 

However, you have to stand up for yourself. Maybe, this marriage is not the best thing for you. Sometimes, we have to learn that some people just brings out the bad in us. Learn from this and grown. Put some effort into learning about yourself.

Ask yourself if the way your marriage is going is what you want. Do you have kids?


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## MelodyFlag (Oct 27, 2015)

Before I left home I did bring up MC, he said he didn't like the idea but if he had to he would be willing to do it. 

I paid the rent out of my own money. I would like to go home, I think a couple days break was fine but I'm feeling a bit like nothings actually being sorted out at this point. I need to be back with him to see where we're at. Im currently just weighing up whether to just go back and try to work things out from there, or whether to "talk things out" while I'm still at my mothers! 

Yep, standing up for myself is something I need to work on. Although this has been hard, in a way I'm glad its all out there now. Either he can accept I made mistakes and we can work through them together.. or maybe he can't. And if he can't then I just need to work on getting better for myself. Not to say I wouldn't be upset if it comes to that but I'm trying to be aware that maybe I'm not what he's looking for. Doesn't mean my life has to be over right


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## MelodyFlag (Oct 27, 2015)

Oh and forgot to answer your last question. We have no kids yet, its something I would like but he said he likes us just having time to ourselves and doesn't want to think about it right now. I do take care of my niece a lot and I never would drink on days I had her and she's very distracting so I dont "think/worry" so much when I'm with her. So in some ways I think it'd be good for me but i don't want to have a child just to "fix" things. I want to make sure I'm in a better place first


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

MelodyFlag you clearly have some problems that you have identified and appear to be working on. That is good. At the same time your marriage sounds almost like a living arrangement between two people rather than a true partnership. This comes out in items like you paying for the rent out of your salary and keeping your money and his separate. This doesn't mean you should intermingle all finances. Many couples maintain separate accounts and share in household expenses. But it doesn't sound like the two of you share the most basic information with one another about daily life. Does this lack of sharing also extend to more personal and intimate things?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Tell the truth. It there's a problem don't hide it.

Trust is key in a marriage. Just say I need help. Anyone respects that.

If you can just be truthfull your life will become so much easier.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

MelodyFlag said:


> Thank you for the replies!
> 
> Brooklyn, in answer to your questions:
> 
> ...


Melody, you are not a train wreck...You have some problems, but aside from the alcohol, which can GET serious, and which you are working on, you have a dent in a fender kind of problem...

Your husband might not be pleased, but it can be pounded out as good as new.....

If you go home, and lay your cards on the table, I am sure he will be pleased at your efforts, and will be willing to work on them with you...

I think he was most upset by your hiding it from him, rather than anything you did otherwise.....

I am truly hoping this will wind up with an I'm sorry, a few tissues, and hugs all around...You don't deserve any worse than that...Good luck...


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## MelodyFlag (Oct 27, 2015)

Hi Maneo, I would like to broach the idea again about having some joint finances. His reasoning is that he thinks I would "mess" up his accounts because he's extremely organised. But honestly it would just be easier for me (and I'd be less likely to be disorganised) if I knew he would pick up on it straight away. As for more personal things, I always shared with him my other problems that didn't relate to things I thought he'd be disappointed in me over (issues with friends, family, my anxiety etc). 

Thank you Marc. It's simple but good advice that I plan to follow if anything else goes wrong. I didn't feel he would respect that I need help at the time, he has a tendency to be quite... Judgemental? But at this point the hiding problems isn't helping either of us so I'll just have to deal with that.

And thank you also Woodchuck. I needed to hear that I'm not a trainwreck and that my problems aren't insurmountable! I've been beating myself up a lot these past few days.


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## MelodyFlag (Oct 27, 2015)

Oh also in relation to what Maneo asked about whether we shared other things. I detailed some things that I do feel able to talk to him about, but he's never talked to me much about his problems. It never feels like he has any tbh, always just seems to be me! 

There has been a bit of an update. My mother told me she emailed him yesterday to "sound him out". She said she was concerned that he hadn't asked how I'm doing at all and that the only thing he's said to me in 10 days is a line about my account being overdrawn. He apparently had talked to her last week and she said she understood he'd have been angry but advised him to not only make money be the focus here, as that is being dealt with, and to try and encourage me with the positive things I'm doing to rectify the issues raised. 

She yesterday told him about the things I was working on to make things better and said she thought I could do with some positivity etc. He just emailed back " I can't help her if she doesn't tell me things" and that was it... Didn't acknowledge anything I was doing to make things right and he hasn't contacted me personally. Honestly I feel a bit knocked back from this response, but I'm trying to remember I'm also making these changes for myself, not just for him. 

But the fact remains I want to go home. I have to go back to work on Friday and its inconvenient to commute from my mothers place. But know I don't know what atmosphere I'll be going back to and I want to stay positive. Concerned itll be difficult if he's not speaking to me. Wondering whether to just go back anyway or give him more space? 

My other dilemma is whether to just email him myself or not. My mother is adamant I should give him more time and let him make the first move. She feels I've spent enough time trying to please him and that I should let him chase me for a change and give him time to miss me. Any thoughts on her point of view?


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## Vorlon (Sep 13, 2012)

Melody, 

I'm probably your mothers age so take my comments with a grain of salt.  I'm glad to hear you have recognized your issues. I can only comment based on what you have wrote and from my own experience (Married 30 years with 4 now adult children) so try and take this as it is intended...which is to help. 

First you need to talk to your husband. Your mother has good intentions by telling your husband what you have been doing. BUT... That is your job as an adult. Its not your mothers job to fix things for you. She can help support you while you address your issues but its your job to take action. I have 4 children all in the their 20s and they constantly text, e-mail, snap chat, etc. But that is not how to solve interpersonal problems. You need to talk to each other. No txting is not talking. You husbands response was actually very accurate. YOU still have not told him anything. Your mother did. 

I think your husband is waiting for you to stand up for your self, make adult decision and have a clear plan of action. He is waiting for you to go to him and apologize for breaking his trust in you. By letting your issues overwhelm you and not approaching your husband for help you separated yourself from him. Now your separated from him physically as a result. A good marriage is based on trust and communication. They are the foundation from which the relationship stands. They enable the relationship to work through the tough times. Because there will be tough times. Finally true love is not the romanticized version we see on TV or in books it is built one brick at a time. One experience at at time and one crisis at a time. True love grows out of adversity, challenge and time overcoming them together. 

As far as commingling finances...I can not blame your husband for not wanting to do that. To date you have not proven trustworthy to handle finances and even in your comments you feel it would only work because he would catch your mistakes before they got too bad..not that you could do it effectively without supervision. So in some ways you put him in the position of the parent having to supervise you and frankly he doesn't want nor should he have to do that. 

Now I know that maybe a bit harsh sounding and you are not alone in having issues and mishandling or avoiding dealing with them. But it is your responsibility to address and fix your issues. Your husband can and should be supportive of you but you can't hide behind fear and judgement. You have to have the courage to face the consequences of you actions. 

Finally marriage is a really tough job. Its takes two adults willing to put in 100% to the relationship everyday. And the real kicker is that even if you do that, there is not guarantee. A good Marriage isn't always fair. But in the end it can be very rewarding. 

Best of Luck!


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## MelodyFlag (Oct 27, 2015)

Thank you for your thoughts Vorlon! I don't find it harsh, I can understand your points. (I did apologise to him a lot before I left and said I would do everything I could to make things right on my side).

My mother has now shown me her communications with him and both times he actually contacted her first instead of me, so she was just responding to him (and she's very chatty so she ended up saying everything that came into her head about the situation!). 

But I see from your point of view it may be better to just go home and talk to him in person? I am willing to try it! my only concern is that face to face I might get over emotional and panicky, he'll scold me and it turns into a big fight. That's why I was considering contacting him in writing first.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

It sounds like your dad contacted your mom to discuss the problem child. Rather than your husband contacting you, or you him, to discuss your marital issues like two adults. I think there's a parent-child dynamic in your marriage that is not healthy. It might be wise to invest in having a marriage counselor help the two of you figure out how to relate to one another as equal adults instead of as him the authority figure and you the errant child.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Before things can get any better he has to tlak to you about what has been happening and how to deal with it. Your H definitely has a right to be angry with you, and you have to realize that and offer to get help with your drinking problem and to communicate better on financial issues. I don't necessarily see the parent child relationship here, but do see that your H is serious about wanting change. Offer to him a plan for addressing these issues and maybe he will be willing to talk to you about it.


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## MelodyFlag (Oct 27, 2015)

Rowan, I agree and I do want to address this issue with him. But I'm concerned if I bring this up to him he will think I'm trying to blame him and I don't want him to feel like I'm not taking responsibility for my own actions. 

But. I really feel like you guys have put into words the aspect that's not right in this relationship. This began a long time ago, when I first got together with him. At first I was extremely open with him but he tended to get very judgemental and unsympathetic. These were over small things early on but because of the reactions I became like "if he was like that about a small thing, imagine how mad he'll be about this! Better to try and deal with it myself". And over the years it spiralled out of control. 

I am resolved to not do this anymore for both our sakes. but I do feel that itd be so helpful in return that he could be more understanding that I can't be perfect and occasionally things will go wrong. Just concerned that asking him this will sound like I'm being "it's your fault this happened!"


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## MelodyFlag (Oct 27, 2015)

Thanks Jb, I am 100% already dealing with the drinking problems and financial issues. It's got to be done! I'm just concerned about how to be open with him on any future problems, when there are reasons I didn't think I could be. I'd love that I never get anything wrong again for the rest of my life, but I can't guarantee that, so I want to make sure he is able to handle it if I come to him with something, if that makes sense


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