# Feeling insecure



## Skookaroo (Jul 12, 2021)

My husband is amazing in so many ways. He works hard. He is a good dad to our 4-month-old. He is talented and assertive and intelligent. He is intuitive and thoughtful and extremely sweet and loving usually. However, I am struggling with something.

I am a pretty type A personality. I like routine, structure, organization, cleanliness, and peace. My husband values these things less than I do. We got married two years ago, and since then, he’s thrown me into a world where I feel pretty insecure. Our finances are messy whereas mine never were alone. We have credit card debt. He isn’t irresponsible but he has a tendency to wait until things become an emergency. He tends to not follow through on commitments to me. Our home is messy. We bought a fixer upper that hasn’t made a lot of progress. And I’m the only one who cleans and tidies (whenever I can because, ya know, baby). I work a specific schedule, and he has an always changing schedule. And of course we have disagreements that also leave me feeling insecure.

His first reaction to a negative moment is always anger or aggression of some kind. I confront him about finances? Anger. I get annoyed that he interrupts me? Anger. I have an unpleasant reaction to something in front of his family? Anger. He feels backed into a corner? Attack! He usually apologizes later, but it’s so emotionally taxing for me. It makes me second-guess myself. I come from a very healthy family, where arguments were few and aggression didn’t exist. I’m not used to this.

He constantly tells me how much he loves me, but to me, sometimes his actions don’t seem to match. I feel unsteady and insecure not only financially or in my daily life, but in my relationship with him. I expressed tonight that sometimes I get confused about his feelings for me. He seemed upset and baffled. I think he sees this all as normal.

I mean just tonight he snapped at me when his sister was over and he asked me a question and then immediately talked over me and I shut down and wouldn’t repeat myself. He went, “oh yeah she’s delicate.” To his sister. Then when I confronted privately he called me immature. An hour later he apologized. And another hour later expressed his deep appreciation for me and all I’ve brought to his life. This is a bit of a pattern and I wasn’t in the mood to let it all go and move on this time.

I’m not the kind of person that enjoys an emotional roller coaster. I like steadiness, and I just feel off kilter in so many different ways. I have been doing my best to have patience with so many things not being the way I want them, and I personally think Ive done shockingly well thus far, but I’m feeling worn out. I don’t know how to cope.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Are you still working a fulltime job, doing all the housework, cooking, shopping, and childcare?

I just read your other thread from a few months ago. I suggest anyone replying to this thread read it too. It will fill in a lot.

He has good intentions but doesn’t follow through | Talk About Marriage


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

I noticed in your other thread that you talked alot about how you want him to be different because the way he naturally is stresses you out, and you don't like that. But I don't hear you acknowledging the fact that you are stressing HIM out, and that's not fair to him either.

I would also like to point out to you that an emotionally healthy family isn't one where there is never any arguing or disagreeing. Sometimes that's a sign of a very dysfunctional family (I'm NOT saying yours was). What shows emotional health is being able to handle conflicts and disappointments with maturity and love. I'm not hearing alot of that from you. What I am hearing is that your way of feeling loved is to never be disappointed or disagreed with...which is not realistic.

It sounds like when he disappoints you, you take it very personally and believe he is automatically wrong...so does that mean your way is the only right way to do things? How often do YOU apologize to HIM for making him unhappy?

In a healthy relationship, no one gets what they want all the time. In what ways do you compromise and readjust your expectations to "fit" him and what makes him comfortable and happy?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

After reading both posts my question is why did you pick him in the first place and what changed between then and now?


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## Skookaroo (Jul 12, 2021)

EleGirl said:


> Are you still working a fulltime job, doing all the housework, cooking, shopping, and childcare?
> 
> I just read your other thread from a few months ago. I suggest anyone replying to this thread read it too. It will fill in a lot.
> 
> He has good intentions but doesn’t follow through | Talk About Marriage


Yes. I work 30 hours a week now from home, and we hired a nanny but when she can’t come, I manage baby while working. I’m trying to do the most I can at home so he can focus on the business. We both eventually want me to quit and be a SAHM but right now isn’t the time.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Try this. It will open your eyes to a lot.
The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands


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## Skookaroo (Jul 12, 2021)

LisaDiane said:


> I noticed in your other thread that you talked alot about how you want him to be different because the way he naturally is stresses you out, and you don't like that. But I don't hear you acknowledging the fact that you are stressing HIM out, and that's not fair to him either.
> 
> I would also like to point out to you that an emotionally healthy family isn't one where there is never any arguing or disagreeing. Sometimes that's a sign of a very dysfunctional family (I'm NOT saying yours was). What shows emotional health is being able to handle conflicts and disappointments with maturity and love. I'm not hearing alot of that from you. What I am hearing is that your way of feeling loved is to never be disappointed or disagreed with...which is not realistic.
> 
> ...


FYI please don’t read my tone as feisty but rather genuine:
How do you see that im stressing him out?
I also know that conflict is healthy. My family really is healthy. We all enjoy spending time together and serve each other. We support each other. Our home growing up was genuinely peaceful. Not perfect obviously but harsh words were extremely rare.

And to answer your question, I feel that I have compromised a lot. I am extremely uncomfortable with debt, but I’ve watched our credit card get maxed out. We’ve just been paying interest on it for the past year. We had planned renovation to happen right after moving in (a year and a half ago) and I’ve had to let go for now and settle for a barely functional kitchen. I always pay bills on receipt and I’ve had to change my routine with that to paying them whenever I can. I’ve had to get comfortable never knowing how much or when money was going to come in. I signed off on buying a brand new truck he needed. I support him working odd hours when needed even though that puts pressure on me as a working mom. I don’t engage when he gets fiery and try to let go after his temper has flared.

I don’t apologize very often to be honest, but I feel that is because i am very thoughtful in the moment and don’t say or do things I need to apologize for later. When I see I’ve done or said wrong, I do apologize but it’s not that often.


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## Skookaroo (Jul 12, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> After reading both posts my question is why did you pick him in the first place and what changed between then and now?


So many reasons, and I don’t doubt my choice. We have the same religious views. He is handsome as heck. He has a strong work ethic. He is athletic and talented. He is friendly and kind. He can fight the fight in business as necessary. He is good at solving problems. We have similar sex drives and he is very thoughtful and respectful of me in this way. We can have intelligent conversation for hours (so hard to find someone who clicks with you like this!!). My in laws are incredible. He is so sweet with his family, especially his mom.

I just am struggling to deal with all the uncertainty and insecurity.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Diceplayer said:


> Try this. It will open your eyes to a lot.
> The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands


Hahah the first review kind of nails it.










This is proof that the author knows what she’s talking about. I think I would be much happier if my wife quit working and instead had sex with me twice a day. So she does understand husbands!


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Skookaroo said:


> I just am struggling to deal with all the uncertainty and insecurity


Hmm… He has many good qualities!

My wife is um… kind of a slob. She is a pack rat who never throws anything out. She was like this when I first started dating her and I didn’t notice because well, she’s hot! So I didn’t care that yeah her room was a complete mess and she seemed to have a lot of junk that she should have thrown out.

In contrast I was extremely neat. I had few things and they were all put away nicely.

Fast forward to living with her in the same house now for many many years and it’s full of junk! Sometimes (about once a year) I can’t stand it and I ask her if I can take care of some of it and she gets mad.

She’s just a pack rat and messy and she’s never going to change. So I just live in the squalor and try to carve out little bits of sanity out of her chaos she makes. My brain made the shift that my need for order is not worth it.

I have bent to other things she wants that are also “disordered” or chaotic or not planned. Every time I make a concession here our relationship has gotten better.

So it depends on what you want to optimize for. I decided to optimize for us having a strong relationship at the expense of other things, and it’s worth it to me.

The funny thing is, she found a bunch of emails between us when we were first dating and not living together (before texts). Reading those back together I can see she was always super spontaneous and chaotic, I just didn’t notice.

For her part she was able to get some order. I find that within the past couple years as I have intentionally adopted chaos sometimes she pushes back on it.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

It sounds like you are acting like the man and he's acting like the woman and it is making you resentful. He needs to man up and get his house in order.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ccpowerslave said:


> Hahah the first review kind of nails it.
> 
> View attachment 83129
> 
> ...


But does the book address this particular marriage? There are things about the book that I like. But it's not universal. She's coming from the viewpoint of a marriage like her own where the man is in primary breadwinner and the couple has the leisure of being able to have the wife stay at home and not work while the children are young. It does not address a situation in which the woman is the primary breadwinner, supports the family, and does all the chores, housekeeping, childcare, etc. You know, where the woman is stretched so thin that she's going to break.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Skookaroo said:


> Yes. I work 30 hours a week now from home, and we hired a nanny but when she can’t come, I manage baby while working. I’m trying to do the most I can at home so he can focus on the business. We both eventually want me to quit and be a SAHM but right now isn’t the time.


I have more questions as I'm trying to get a good picture of your situation.

What percentage of your joint income do you earn?

How many hours a week does he work? If you don't mind sharing, what service does his business provide? For example, does he do handyman services, or code development, etc?


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## redmarshall (11 mo ago)

Just my 2 cents, I think you’re overthinking things a bit and maybe you guys can find a middle ground, there is a lot going for this guy. The only worrisome part to me is the debt you mentioned, just go a bit deeper into it. You said he’s a good worker, and earns well, then why the debt? Is it a function of the time you live in? And as I’ve learnt, when you live together and have a family, the expenses do have a habit of quadrupling themselves. So be a bit discerning about why that is happening. As for the screaming and shouting, I’ve been married for ten years and my and my wife have said horrible things to each other despite being everything to one another, sometimes we’ve learnt not to go there, sometimes we’ve learnt how to handle that issue as it’s always better to analyse when tempers are cool.

He may need some form of anger management so that he can articulate himself better as to how to converse when his temper is flared, but nothing has jumped out at me to say, that you need to be overtly concerned.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> But does the book address this particular marriage? There are things about the book that I like. But it's not universal. She's coming from the viewpoint of a marriage like her own where the man is in primary breadwinner and the couple has the leisure of being able to have the wife stay at home and not work while the children are young. It does not address a situation in which the woman is the primary breadwinner, supports the family, and does all the chores, housekeeping, childcare, etc. You know, where the woman is stretched so thin that she's going to break.


I was actually joking although it happens to be true for me in particular.

Just last week on our afternoon walk I once again suggested my wife quit and do nothing for two months minimum. She started coming up with excuses and chores she’d do and I was like well see how tightly you’re wound? I mean literally nothing. Go to the country club and get a watermelon cocktail and sit around reading by the pool. Do literally nothing.

She can’t do it, wound way too tight.


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## Skookaroo (Jul 12, 2021)

EleGirl said:


> I have more questions as I'm trying to get a good picture of your situation.
> 
> What percentage of your joint income do you earn?
> 
> How many hours a week does he work? If you don't mind sharing, what service does his business provide? For example, does he do handyman services, or code development, etc?


The income part, to be honest, I don’t really know for sure. And my income has shifted a lot recently with maternity leave and a change in hours. Before my leave it was probably 60%. Now it’s probably more like 40%. It’s hard to know because his business finances are disorganized. I don’t want to get into that, but that’s not totally his fault. 

Who could ever say how many hours he works. A lot of his work is on the phone, so it’s hard to even know when he is working, especially since he’s sometimes speaking a language I don’t understand.

He works in construction/landscaping/maintenance/renovation.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I wouldn't be screwing around with those finances by keeping yours and his together if he's that bad about it. Get your own account even if you don't make as much money as him and do not share credit cards. Get your name off his credit cards and get your own credit card. If he's that you're responsible you probably don't want to file joint taxes with him either. He might put off paying and run up a big IRS debt. 

So get yourself secured financially first and foremost.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

Look up the symptoms of adult ADHD. It sounds like he fits those symptoms.


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## Skookaroo (Jul 12, 2021)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> Look up the symptoms of adult ADHD. It sounds like he fits those symptoms.


Interesting that you say that because I’ve been suspecting this lately. While a few symptoms don’t match for him, it does seem to fit.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

Skookaroo said:


> Interesting that you say that because I’ve been suspecting this lately. While a few symptoms don’t match for him, it does seem to fit.


I say this because I am ADHD. I felt like you were talking about me lol. A few questions....

Does he seem to get impatient with slow conversation and try to finish thoughts and sentences?

Does he get big ideas for projects, starts them, and doesn't finish them? Or become hyperfocused on something and he loses track of time?

Does he get figity when doing something boring like balancing a budget, or trying to fold laundry?

Does he get really excited about a sudden idea and then suddenly shift to a new idea?

Trouble sleeping at night with tossing and turning?

Sorry to get personal, but fast paced sex with a lot of movement and switching positions?

Sorry for the multiple questions. But before I got treatment. I might be outside cutting the front and back yard. I finish the front, then suddenly want to watch a movie and while halfway through I decide I want to take the boat out 🤣


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

Skookaroo said:


> He is good at solving problems.


OK, that's good. Tell him to work on solving the debt problem the two of you have with you you and to work on solving the mess problem with you as well.


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## Skookaroo (Jul 12, 2021)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> I say this because I am ADHD. I felt like you were talking about me lol. A few questions....
> 
> Does he seem to get impatient with slow conversation and try to finish thoughts and sentences?
> 
> ...


Most of that, yes, but the sex part, no.

I brought ADHD up to him yesterday and we had a good chat. He was very receptive. Do you suggest seeing a doctor as the next step?


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

Skookaroo said:


> Most of that, yes, but the sex part, no.
> 
> I brought ADHD up to him yesterday and we had a good chat. He was very receptive. Do you suggest seeing a doctor as the next step?


You could see a doctor first. Most will not just prescribe meds like Adderall at first because they are a controlled substance. They will probably send him to a psychologist or psychiatrist first. If they feel its adhd, then the pcp will most likely prescribe something. 

I started Adderall and it made a big difference on the first day. I could focus on something and calmy keep focus on it until it was done.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

So with a four month old, you've gone through a major transition in life, and so has he... but you more-so.

I think you need to figure out a way to properly communicate your desires to him... but do know that you can't change him, he has to decide to do that on his own, so the only thing you can do is try to help get him to those decisions.

You can only control yourself. If it keeps going, you should attempt joint counseling.


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