# It's been 3 years since I lost my wife to cancer



## Johncorbyn

Hi guys, I'm quite new here. like everyone I suffer emotionally everyday since the lost of my beloved wife, she passed away living me with two little boys. For most people three years is enough to move on with their lives, but with me I feel a sense of guilt just to say hello to lady with flirtatious thoughts, I've been on couple of dates that went badly cause of my lack of interest.

I really don't know if this is normal or I need some therapy. Anyone has some advice to give?


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## Affaircare

Hi @Johncorbyn

I absolutely have advice to give. It is not up to other people to decide when or if you are ready to "move on." Your grief is your own and you will process it at your speed. Some people can process quickly... some process more slowly. So you don't listen to those folks who are telling you it's been enough time. YOU decide that, not them. 

Also, even if you do decide to move on with your life, that doesn't necessarily mean that you date others. Some people met the love of their life and do not CHOOSE to move on to love again. That is 100% a reasonable and acceptable choice to make! You can live a full and productive life being a father and then being a decent human being, and you do not "have to" ever be with another person if you don't choose to do so. Again, YOU are the one who decides if you want to try loving again, not others. 

Finally, if you feel like you do want to try to love again, but you believe within yourself that you are having trouble or holding your own self back, then it's okay to go to a counselor. Maybe you are doing okay and just moving at your own, slower pace but steadily moving...that's fine. On the other hand, maybe you are avoiding your feelings and trapped in the past. You can go to a counselor and find out you're okay! Get a little reassurance. 

Sorry you're here, and sorry for your loss. I personally think three years is a short time, but that's my own personal opinion.


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## EleGirl

I agree with Affaircare.

When my father died, my mother was left with 3 children young children. There where also 5 older, but we older ones were out of the house, on our own.

My mother never dated anyone else and had no interested in a new relationship. She was just happy on her own with the 3 little ones.

How old are you and your children? How long were your married?


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## TAMAT

John,

Many people NEVER remarry and that's ok.

For some people the promise they made when they married does not end with their spouses death, comedian George Burns never remarried and would visit Gracie's grave to talk with her. 

One old lady told me men tried to date her but she felt it unfair to them because she would have compared them to her dead husband. 

Then there is the question of the suitability of a step mother for your children which is a huge question.

Tamat


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## jorgegene

Yah, don't listen to anyone that says you should be over your wife and to move on.

Maybe you'll never move on or maybe you will.

hopefully the intense pain will be someday soon be overwhelmed with sweet loving memories.


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## arbitrator

*IMHO, @Affaircare and @jorgegene absolutely hit it out of the park with their posts and they should be roundly commended for it!

Do not let someone tell you when your grieving should end! Only you can answer that!

Please take care of those precious little boys as they will always be a connection with your beloved wife!

All of us at TAM will be here for you if you ever need us! Hate to see you here, but you couldn't have come to a better place for help and consolation!*


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## Max.HeadRoom

All I have to offer is my story

My 1st wife died on me in 2002, married 11, but I knew her for 19 years in total, no kids.

My world was shattered and I wanted to move forward. I just need to figure out what that was for me. I dated a gal ten years younger at about the 1.5-year mark and while the sex was good she could sense my wife’s ghost in my life; there were other factors too and she bolted. I did about a dozen other one date meet ups but nothing felt right. After my three year mark I felt stuck and angry. That is when I sought help.

About a year into IC I meet my now wife. This relationship is so different than the one I lost; I don’t want to say better but it may be. My late wife and I meet young when we had less patience. One surpise for me was I lost all of our friends when she died, I believe they just did not know how to deal with me without her

I still miss her and visit her grave every time I drive through where she is.

You are not alone & I hope this helps


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## chillymorn69

Everybody greives differently and who cares how long it takes.

But with that said I feel you yourself cares. I feel 3 years is a reasonable time to start questioning weather its taking longer because of depression or just difficulty dealing with the loss of your wife . Some greif counceling might go a long way.

When my sister died at 26 my mother walked around like a ghost for a year just forcing herself one day at a time you could see the constant pain in her face even though she tried to put up an I'm ok everything is fine front. Then she went to a greif counseling. And it really really help her almost back to the mom we knew before my sisters death.

My sisters death changed her forever but in some ways change her for the better

Hope you find peace


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## Silver Traveler

Hi, Johncorbyn.

I was married to my first wife for 18 years. She died in my arms. I had been her full-time care-giver for the last seven years of her life. My grief was hard. My parents confessed to me one day that they were afraid that they were going to lose me, as well as my wife, because grief was so hard on me.

Two years and a day after she died, I was reading about depression and saw that it wasn't considered "major depression" if grief lasted less than two years, but at two years it could be considered "major depression." I attend a residential depression recovery program. (Neil Nedley. I'll be hosting a depression recovery program based on his program this winter.) Best thing I ever did. As part of that program, I wrote my wife a letter telling her that it wasn't unfaithful or unkind to let her go. The next morning, I remember thinking, "The voices of grief are silent for the first time in two years."

I met my current wife a short time later. She joined my father-in-law and mother-in-law (first wife's parents) and helped me scatter my first wife's ashes on the beach. Circumstances had prevented me from doing it sooner and I didn't want them in my home now that I was dating. The four of us had an embarrassingly good time together that day. My wife has told me repeatedly that she knew there would be a price associated with marrying a widower. She has held me as I have cried over some memory of my first wife and doesn't hold it against me. She says she sees lots of healing in me and that more and more often I'm forgetting anniversaries - first wife's birthday, anniversary, other important dates. She doesn't mention them, but she notes their passing and notes that they no longer bother me.


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## lordmayhem

I saw this thread and just had to click on it because it hits so close to home.

My own wife started her battle with cancer in 2015. And now the prognosis is grim as it keeps coming back. It's killing me to watch her struggle everyday now. She's still able to work, but I don't know for how much longer. I try as hard as I can to put up a brave face for her. When we first got the news, I couldnt stop crying, and she begged me to be strong for her, and that's what I try to do. I no longer post in the CWI forum because I no longer have the will or interest to do so. 

I'm mostly frustrated or angry. She was a fitness guru, always ate right, never more than 120 lbs, never smoked, never drank, and no family history of cancer. Yet here I am, a 30 year smoker, now a bit overweight, drank a lot in my younger years, yet she's the one with cancer and fighting for her life? This is a bunch of crap.


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## DepressedHusband

Johncorbyn said:


> Hi guys, I'm quite new here. like everyone I suffer emotionally everyday since the lost of my beloved wife, she passed away living me with two little boys. For most people three years is enough to move on with their lives, but with me I feel a sense of guilt just to say hello to lady with flirtatious thoughts, I've been on couple of dates that went badly cause of my lack of interest.
> 
> I really don't know if this is normal or I need some therapy. Anyone has some advice to give?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I doubt very much your wife if she loved you would want you to be alone. I understand this fear, it isn't grief, it is fear of loss, again.


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## Adelais

lordmayhem said:


> I saw this thread and just had to click on it because it hits so close to home.
> 
> My own wife started her battle with cancer in 2015. And now the prognosis is grim as it keeps coming back. It's killing me to watch her struggle everyday now. She's still able to work, but I don't know for how much longer. I try as hard as I can to put up a brave face for her. When we first got the news, I couldnt stop crying, and she begged me to be strong for her, and that's what I try to do. I no longer post in the CWI forum because I no longer have the will or interest to do so.
> 
> I'm mostly frustrated or angry. She was a fitness guru, always ate right, never more than 120 lbs, never smoked, never drank, and no family history of cancer. Yet here I am, a 30 year smoker, now a bit overweight, drank a lot in my younger years, yet she's the one with cancer and fighting for her life? This is a bunch of crap.


I'm so sorry lordmayhem, for you and your wife.


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## aine

This thread is making me cry, so sorry for all the pain and loss some of you have experienced


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## Young at Heart

Dear Johncorbyn;

I am sorry for your loss. 

Don't rush into dating, if you are not ready, but also do not avoid life.

There is a concept in many self-help relationship books about "Getting a Life." It means becoming an active participant in life, doing challenging things that require you to do more than you think you can, that give you pride and satisfaction in your accomplishments.

Often they include working out in a gym, taking up active outdoor hobbies. They can also include volunteer work to make this a better place. They will help you return to life.

Good luck.


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## Taxman

John,
First, my heartfelt condolences on the loss of your dear wife. None of us could possible know what you are going through. Please, take your own time and do not listen to those saying just move on. No. You are still an open wound. You are still dealing with raising two small children on your own. And I bet every time you look into their faces, you see your wife, and your heart still aches. 

You will know in your heart of hearts when the time is right. Now is not that time. It will come. Promise.


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