# I really wish I came here sooner



## Lambda (Apr 5, 2012)

Back in April I posted that I was unhappy in my relationship. Due to resentment (and other things), I closed down emotionally and lost all romantic and loving feelings for her. In the past I have spoken to her about this, the fact that I am unhappy in the marriage and why. However, over the months my feelings towards her didn't change. I was living an unhappy life, but trying my best to hide it so that no one would notice. I did confide in my best friend as I needed someone to talk to, and they helped me a great deal.

Unfortunately things went south and I had an affair. I met someone and an EA turned into a PA within 2 months. She knew I was married and at first I had no idea she liked me or where it was headed, we just hung out lots. Eventually I realised where it was going but I can't say that I didn't want it to happen. I am not going to kid myself, I knew what I wanted. However, I do completely regret it, the betrayal and guilt are something I am having a hard time dealing with, and it really complicates my thoughts. The affair is a symptom of my unhappiness with my marriage, and not the cause.

Before the affair I knew I was unhappy and that I thought it might be better for all if I ended my marriage (I am not rewriting history here, my conversations with my best friend confirm this), but since the addition of this affair, now it just feels like I am leaving to be with another woman. I know that this isn't the case, and if I leave I will leave to be on my own, but the guilt of the affair is incredible, and it takes over to the point where all the original feelings are gone. I used to firmly know why I wanted to leave, but now it's like I can't remember any of that and all I feel is this guilt. I hope that makes sense. 

Has anyone been through this or similar?


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Mate, just step back from your current situation to the time before you met this other chick, What did you want? the marriage or the divorce? Don't let your affair cloud your judgement.This happens all the time. The OW isn't going to help you at all in this becuase you've only seen parts of her that you're attracted to as nearly all WS do.

Step back analyse the situation like a stranger would. And make a firm decision, the longer you're being indecisive the more pain you cause to your wife and to yourself


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

You have not spoken about what your wife's responces were to your statements about being unhappy in the marriage. If we had a little more perspective on that it may help us understand a little more.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

You are feeling guilty because not only did you betray your wife but you betrayed yourself as well and the principles that you've lived by for many years. You have dishonored yourself.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Lambda said:


> Back in April I posted that I was unhappy in my relationship. Due to resentment (and other things), I closed down emotionally and lost all romantic and loving feelings for her. In the past I have spoken to her about this, the fact that I am unhappy in the marriage and why. .... I did confide in my best friend as I needed someone to talk to, and they helped me a great deal.
> 
> Unfortunately things went south and I had an affair. I met someone and an EA turned into a PA within 2 months. She knew I was married and at first I had no idea she liked me or where it was headed, we just hung out lots. Eventually I realised where it was going but I can't say that I didn't want it to happen. I am not going to kid myself, I knew what I wanted. However, I do completely regret it, the betrayal and guilt are something I am having a hard time dealing with, and it really complicates my thoughts. The affair is a symptom of my unhappiness with my marriage, and not the cause.
> 
> Has anyone been through this or similar?


How bizarre - you sound like my WS 's OM ! even the timings and details although knowing about him, I don't think he'd post on here! He was unmarried as well but very coincidental.


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## Lambda (Apr 5, 2012)

Thorburn - I used to talk to her about the issues, but she would get very defensive and turn it into an argument, so I eventually stopped raising the issues, which lead to my resentment and me shutting down. 

Over the past few months we have spoke on occasion about how I have become unhappy over these issues. She first found out there was a problem when I went through depression. I broke down and told her I was unhappy in the relationship.

However, I now thinks it's too late to save the relationship. I have been feeling this way for so long, and I have had an affair. Morituri - you are totally right, I have betrayed her and myself. I never thought I would be a cheater, but I never said no to any of it. I knew what I was doing, and I knew where it was going. My wife would kill me if she knew about the cheating. She would almost certainly leave me over it, and knowing about the betrayal would crush her to pieces. Before the affair, I had the same principles. Oh the guilt! I really wish I never did it, but I know I never would have if I was truly happy, so I suppose it does show me that I am not truly in love with my wife.

Headspin - I can assue you I am not your WS's OM. The girl I am seeing is definitely single, and I am married.


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

You crossed the Rubicon with the cheating. I think you should tell your wife re the affair and face the fallout.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> you are totally right, I have betrayed her and myself


This will never disapear if you leave the marriage to be with OW. Never. You already know It's not about whom you are with but who you are. At the end of the day you only have youself. Divorce your wife if that's what you need but also leave OW and start fresh regaining your dignity. Respect is the key, for yourself first and for others then.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Mori has said it rightly.
You have now guilt of your affair that went physical.
You cant take it off. It stays with you for eternity.


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## mackerel (May 22, 2012)

You MUST tell your wife. Are you truly remorseful? Tell your wife, your kids, your pastor, her family and your family of what betrayal you have committed. If she leaves you for cheating than those are the consequences that you have to deal with. Keeping it a secret won't help matters.

I'm confused, you said you were unhappy with the marriage, yet your are worried that if you tell her you cheated she will leave you? If you're unhappy leave. Sounds like you want to eat your cake buddy.

I find it so funny that you want to save the relationship after you committed this heinous act, but you've been unhappy all the time. Don't expect people on here to feel sorry for you either buddy. A little wakening up is what I'm giving you. As a disloyal spouse you should do the right thing. 

What happens in the dark, always come to light.


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## Zanna (May 10, 2012)

Even if you leave your wife, get rid of the OW.

What kind of woman sleeps with a married man knowing full well the damage it can cause regardless of the tale of woe you spun for her?

She doesn't respect M and she certainly doesn't respect other W. You need to start questioning her character and working on your own. Cheating is never the answer. Let your wife leave the M with her dignity in place.

When my WH dumped his OW, she went after me like a rabid dog claiming it was all UNFAIR to her. That she was owed. She was inherently selfish and unstable and he didn't see the signs until he left her but looking back, he had to ask himself "What kind of woman gets involved with a MM?" At the very least, one that doesn't respect herself very much if she's inclined to play side-ho.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Lambda said:


> . Oh the guilt! I really wish I never did it, but I know I never would have if I was truly happy, so I suppose it does show me that I am not truly in love with my wife.
> 
> Headspin - I can assue you I am not your WS's OM. The girl I am seeing is definitely single, and I am married.


Fair enough but here is an issue with you and people like you and something I have said to my wife who is the mirror image of you with her OM

I accept anybody can fall out of love. Its human and it happens but then, and here's the real killer guilt question for you, why go and utterly choose to destroy your wife? which you will when she finds out and of course eventually through one thing or another she will find out.

As I asked of my wife countless occasions "If you are so unhappy about it then leave and move on and although that will kill me it will not have utterly destroyed me like now when you have decided to have numerous affairs just because you were unhappy (although she made it quite clear throughout she was as happy as it gets!) Why carry on and have the affairs and the deceit and lying and take us all into the abyss - kids and all?"

Why ?

Why do you people make this detestable choice, to actually go sailing in and tear our hearts to pieces? when you could just leave of your own volition and least be able to say later "I left because I fell out of love with you and did not want to have affairs that would destroy you" You would at least gain some respect from the people you leave for your honesty alone.

I simply cannot grasp this.

You're unhappy, you're not in love with your wife any more - leave her - don't choose to chop her into a thousand emotional pieces


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