# Am I crazy or a B?



## LuckyLuHoo (Mar 1, 2016)

I'm a 40 year old primary bread winner in a marriage going on 12 years/relationship going on 16. He's 12.5 years older than i am. He's a mild hoarder and I'm a child of an alcoholic breast cancer survivor (diagnosed at 35, sick most of my life - stage 4 lung cancer now) and my coping mechanism is controlling my immediate environment. So I am a neat freak or at least try to be. I find immense solace in an orderly environment and I feel terribly out of control when it's in disarray.
I've resented my husband for over 5 years for stating "i'm not interested in moving _______ wherever it is i'm suggesting. We live in a 780 square foot house with 300 square feet of unfinished basement and a car and a half of a garage that literally has a heap from the doors to a peak in the middle - it's so full you can barely get in the door. our back yard looks like a junk yard. we live on a 5000 sq foot lot and my husband up until recently had 3 trucks and a 12 foot box van. He purchase th van without notice, a full sized school bus without notice and recently a trailer without notice. 
I hate being in a space that is so small. I feel like i'm suffocating. I want a dining room table and a place to set up my sewing area. He has the entire basement full of his 1000 book plus library that you can't reach because there is so much crap in the way. 
I can't believe how isolated this makes me feel. I gave up and managed to find a rental because I was going to leave last Oct. I've never really not regretted that decision. He's a good dad. He's mostly a generous guy. He cares about me in a superficial/physical way, even though that's not what I want (BRCA2 positive - all preventative surgeries - double mastectomy, reconstruction, ovary and tube removal so I'm in menopause =Party/hot flash city here!
he's been patient. He's the most stubborn person I know. I don't want to live in such a small house where less than an 1/8th of it is mine to do with what i want. He has an overbearing opinion on ALL things, including interior paint color, towel color, pan color, how we use our wash cloths, the orientation of our fridge door. This basically means when he has an opinion it wins. 
Our house was purchased solely by me after we moved not only out of state but 3 times after that and he decides to tell me that "he's not interested in moving" after we're moving in. 
I wasn't done with changes. We didn't have our son yet. Who when I ask to consider all the ways in which i'm trying to find a house that meets our needs and how i'm the one settling on every little thing possible so that he will move am told that "he never wanted to have kids" now that our son is nearly 11. 
I'm so fed up. I honestly say I hate him. I'm so angry that he is dictating my life. I hate that I feel like a prisoner in my own home and I hate that i let the place i found for my son and myself go.
So my question is. . . am I crazy. I felt this way before and after my ovary removal. I felt this way after i got on mood stabilizers when my temper was off the charts. . . the fact is that i'm trying every way possible to solve this with just me because he seems unwilling to meet me anywhere than at the threshold of our home that isn't my forever home. That doesn't have what I've wanted (a dining room table to seat family or friends, and a place to set up my sewing table) and he informs me that these are silly things to want. When his 1000 plus library of books are sitting shelved on bookcases in our basement which is the only space left for elbow room. There isn't a place in our house where I can reach my hands over my head or to my sides where I don't hit a piece of furniture or the walls/ceiling. 
Am I being crazy. Crazy for thinking most every dat how I wanted the house I had rather than trying to cram a square peg into a round hole. Do people give up on a marriage because of where they want to live or am i being ridiculous? 
Please help.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

You are not crazy. And I think that mental health establishment does recognise hoarding as a dysfunction and one that ruin the hoarder's life...... like resulting in divorce and other forms of alienation.

If you are still ambivalent about getting a divorce, talk to a therapist. Set up some standards for your relationship and a timeline. And don't look back.

oh and btw, if your husband does not properly take care of those 1000 books, they'll get moldy and useless and worth less sometime soon.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

You are not crazy, but you are in a controlling relationship. 


You have been through a lot in your young life there is not reason to live unhappy. Have you been to a marriage counselor before? or is he totally against it? 

You hate him, feel trapped and controlled, if he is not willing to get any kind of help for his self or go to marriage counseling yes I would leave. life is short why spend it with someone that makes you miserable.


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## mjgh06 (Feb 27, 2016)

These are the things from your post that stuck out to me.


LuckyLuHoo said:


> ...he's been patient. He's the most stubborn person I know. ...He has an overbearing opinion on ALL things
> 
> Our house was purchased solely by me ...i'm the one settling on every little thing possible so that he will move am told that "he never wanted to have kids" now that our son is nearly 11.
> 
> ...



I think if you read them you have your answer and it's really not about wanting to leave only because of where you want to live. There is much more than that going on here.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

No it does not sound like it at all. Am I correct to say you are separated ? Finally did you demand MC ? 

Bottom line: there are hundreds of legit reasons to divorce but none for adultery. At this point some would say you are a WAW. Your not. You fought loudly and clearly swinging a 2x4. Note a 2x4 does not mean deaming someone, and stayed in your sons life. 

Good for you trying to save the marriage, stating his good points, and NOT GETTING INVOVLED with another person.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Wow. NO you are not crazy! Crazy would be staying in this situation. If you are the only one on the title/lien for the house, and you hate it that much, tell your husband you are putting it up for sale and filing for divorce. Let him know that means you will be clearing out all the crap that he has accumulated, too.


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## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

If he is unwilling to part with his things, maybe he will be willing to rent a storage unit to put his books? I also have an extreme love for books but honestly if I am not going to read them more than once or if it isn't an author I collect, I donate. I do have a love for books as well but if I don't have the room for them I store them properly because I also like a clean and orderly house. Maybe he needs a therapist to help with his hoarding problem. I don't know if this issue would be grounds for divorce but tell him how suffocated you feel and see if he will change it. If he can't consider your feelings, then maybe you are right and it may be time to separate at least.


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## LuckyLuHoo (Mar 1, 2016)

We've been in marriage counseling 4 times. I've been to about as many on my own and I asked him to go to one for himself. I feel that when you separately go to counseling to talk about your spouse on your own you get validation on your feelings and well. . . it's just your side of the story. So he came home with the reason he's a hoarder. Not ownership for how this impacts me. So we both sort of fizzled out. 

I feel like i'm going nuts. 

In a VERY weird series of events we're looking at a home tomorrow. I don't want to get my hopes up because he tends to find everything wrong rather than anything right. But i honestly feel like a house with an out building or auxiallary space for his stuff that is not in the middle of where our family would live and entertain or host. It happens to be directly across the street from some very dear friends - friends we've had issues with our marriage in the past. 

But honestly - if this falls flat I just can't see this working. I'm by no means an angel. I don't react well when I feel like I'm being cornered or trapped (or sometimes when I don't get my way) so I'm by no means innocent. 
But it is bothersome to me that if I do something outside of the house, with others (playing volleyball on a co-ed league, happy hour with friends - 2 of which i've known since I was in 3rd grade and who transplanted from my home state and live only 2 miles from my house. I have none of my own friends. They are my friends and I think that in particular bothers me. I feel like he's isolating me. I've said it before because my mom really ended up with no friends, and maybe I married my dad? Holy crap!

I just know that i wish for my own place all the time. ALL. THE. TIME. I don't wish for another man or a better relationship. I want an environment where i'm making the calls. 

It's a mess. But sometimes I feel like i forget issues that aren't as simple as the house i live in. But it matters so much to me too. 

Thanks everyone for your comments. It's nice to be heard.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

LuckyLuHoo said:


> *
> I just know that i wish for my own place all the time. ALL. THE. TIME. *I don't wish for another man or a better relationship. I want an environment where i'm making the calls.
> 
> It's a mess. But sometimes I feel like i forget issues that aren't as simple as the house i live in. But it matters so much to me too.
> ...


THIS should be your waving red flag that you should end this marriage. DO NOT get another house with this man, you will forever regret it.


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