# 30 Years and I need HELP!!!!!



## Smartman (Dec 19, 2012)

30 Years and I need help!!!! I have made some major mistakes in my life by having an emotional affair with a young lady. This happened over 4 years ago and my wife and I cannot get past it. She says she forgives me but her action shows me different. Below is my story and I would love to hear back from everyone. Somehow I have to be able to move on with her would be what I most want, but it may have to be without her. 

“I guess I will start back a few years back. We have been married just over 30 years and have two grown children that are doing well. I run a successful business so the wife did not have to work outside the home. She was a great mother to the kids growing up and was very involved in their lives. Things really started to go downhill back when my oldest went off to college. We started to do fewer things together and started to fight more. She would argue with me about how our oldest was doing in school. Then two years later our youngest went off to college and you would have thought the world had come to and end. No matter what our youngest would do the wife always had a problem with it. With this going on the wife and I just kept getting farther apart. The kids both graduated with honors and have gone on to great careers. The oldest has had an alcohol problem while in college and we got them in rehab twice for, and right now they are doing will. This has added to the stress on our marriage.
A few years back I screwed up big time and had a short emotional affair with a young gal just a few years older than my kids. The wife asked me about it and I told her and ended it that day. We got into counseling right away and I thought we both wanted this to work out. She then started giving me ultimatums about things going on at work and female staff that she thought I needed to fire because she did not trust them or me. It was like she wanted me to pay somehow for this betrayal. She now wants me to fire my main manager and partner because she does not trust him because he carried through on a couple of the projects at work she told me not to do and the ladies she wanted fired worked for him. This now has been going on for over 4 years. When she asks me about work and I will tell her very little. She won’t come down to the office anymore because she says she is not comfortable here and she does not trust my manager. The ladies have now moved on and I just hear that I didn’t fire them back when I should of. 
I totally take responsibility for my downfall in our relationship with the affair. What I cannot do is take blame for is how I run my business and what I try to do on a daily basis to save this marriage. With fall coming on just adds to the stress level because my kids will come to visit more during the fall and then the holidays. I have never been around someone that is so negative about everything. She spins everything into a negative text that fits what she wants to argue about. I feel that she is depressed but I am not sure. She could be just so pissed off at me and the world this is how she is. There is no intimacy between us in over two years. She acts like I ought to be doing things to please her, but when I ask what I can do she just says it is too late. I really get the feeling as days go on she would like me to leave. She has never said this but when I ask her if she wants me gone she just says I can do whatever I want. I am really at a loss and in deep into the fog. Somehow I need to find a way out of all of this. She does not work outside the home and she has very few friends. She will go weeks without talking to anyone besides our kids and her mom.”


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Sounds like she is depressed. She has wrapped her whole life around you and the kids, and now that her children her grown and you are involved in your business, she feels alone. The EA didn't help her either. It only showed her that you are capable of moving on, and she isn't.

She could probably use some counseling. Some outside activities and interests. More friends to talk to. Maybe even a part-time job. A "life" that does not revolve around you and the children.

For you to save your marriage, you may need to help her "find herself" and see herself as an individual and not merely and extension of her family. Counseling may help her in doing that. In the meantime, you can talk with her, encourage her, compliment her on any thing she has done on her own and "date" her often. Treat her special. See if that helps.


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## Smartman (Dec 19, 2012)

Thank you for your words. We did try marriage counseling and I went to my own therapist for a while. She does not like counseling. She is a very controlling person and she thinks she knows better than everyone else what and how to fix the problem, but when I ask her how to fix this major problem she just blames me for something that has happened in the past. 
I did get her back to doing some volunteer work a few hours a week and that does help on those days but she needs to get out more than that. I totally agree that she needs to find herself because life has changed as the family unit moved out. I try to treat her special all the time, by taking her out to dinner and take her on trips. Last night I suggested we go to Europe for a few weeks. Her comeback was you don’t like Europe and I said you do so that’s why we ought to go.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Yeah I think she is depressed. I assume that the EA didn't happen with an employee/co-worker at your business, right? If so, then yeah it would be very understandable that she would be uneasy about the women at work.

Best of luck...


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## Smartman (Dec 19, 2012)

No the EA did not happen with anyone at work. If it did she would be right in feeling the way she does. How do I convince her that she needs help with depression?????


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

It sounds like you want the M to work, but are stuck in a rut with your W. You are going to have to change the current dynamic.

I agree with cdbaker and SW that depression is an issue. Is there anything she can or is willing to do about that?

Was she always this controlling or did it go into high gear after the EA?

How did you treat her after the EA? Were you honest and forthcoming about all of her questions? 

Did you work hard to make her feel secure? Or did you minimize and rugsweep?


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## lfortender (Sep 18, 2012)

Very sad for you, i dont have kids and have 27 years old with 6 married. Hard to tell you but have you tried to talk to her more harder?


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