# Over it



## Sacrosanct (Jun 16, 2014)

I think I'm over it...my marriage that is. I finally registered here but I have been a lurker for a long time. My husband's EA was 3 years ago and I read these forums for advice and for support. I was completely crushed by it and well I guess even though years have passed I am still not over it. 

I followed the steps listed here, filed for divorce, sought out therapy, began seeking personal fulfillment outside of the marriage. He begged for forgiveness, agreed to anything and everything I wanted and we started couples therapy. Well, I guess I got so distracted with school etc (I went back for an advanced degree after all this, something he was always against) that I never noticed when the therapy stopped. He was too busy etc. Now he completely balks at any mention of it. I guess we have pretty much rug swept... :scratchhead:

I continue my own therapy to this day and generally keep myself occupied. But here is the thing...now I am wondering wtf I am even still with him for? I do everything alone. I went bungee jumping alone (he's scared of heights), planned a skydiving trip with a friend (he won't even go watch), went scuba diving by myself (he's scared of it), go to amusement parks alone (he won't ride any rides), go to music festivals alone (he's not into music), wine tastings alone (he only drinks beer), microbrew festivals alone (only domestic beer), plan and dream about exotic trips that I will never get to take (because he won't leave his comfort zone), well you get the idea...

Now tonight I am sitting here on Father's Day after another fight (he's a rage-aholic and flipped out that the grill ran out of propane) wondering where my life is going. I decided to work it out for the kids but come on... Tonight he scared the kids to tears and I am just so beyond caring.

I tried so hard to keep this little family together and now I'm wondering if we would ALL be better off without him. I hate even saying that out loud. Both products of divorce, neither of us wanted to do that to our kids. Financially it would be a disaster and I guess maybe I was partially staying for that too. It's not that he makes a lot of money or anything, it's just that neither of us do. If we separate we'd probably have to sell the house and both of us would end up renting and struggling. I'd never finish school either...

Ugh, I don't know what to do. I guess I just wanted to introduce myself and whine a bit and just be among people who may just understand what I am going through here. Thanks for listening.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He needs therapy, including anger management.

Have you had couple's counselling?


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## Cabsy (Mar 25, 2013)

Emotional affairs, rug sweeping, stopping therapy unilaterally and refusing to begin again, fighting with you, scaring the kids, doesn't do anything with you that you enjoy - why are you still there indeed? If you want to salvage anything, and you're in deep with 3 years behind you and no resolution to some big problems, you need to sit him on his ass. You can't tolerate the current state of the relationship. It doesn't seem to be good for you, or the kids... or hell, even him.

I won't tell you what to do, but don't spend another 3 years doing what you've been doing. Find reasons to provoke change instead of excuses to protect the status quo.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Sounds very stressful Sacrosanct. Sorry for that. Sometimes wondering what the h3ll you're still doing with someone is the sign that it's not going to work.


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## Sacrosanct (Jun 16, 2014)

Yes we went for a few months before the gaps between visits got wider and wider before stopping totally. She also told him he needed anger management and wanted to see him privately or send him to individual therapy elsewhere. He refused. He said there's nothing wrong with him, I just exaggerate stuff and also I am too sensitive.


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## Sacrosanct (Jun 16, 2014)

Thank you all. I sure have a lot of soul searching to do...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Sacrosanct said:


> Yes we went for a few months before the gaps between visits got wider and wider before stopping totally. She also told him he needed anger management and wanted to see him privately or send him to individual therapy elsewhere. He refused. He said there's nothing wrong with him, I just exaggerate stuff and also I am too sensitive.


It's not him. It's everyone else.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

How old are the kids?

How long until your degree is finished?

Is your H transparent now?

Has he stopped all contact with the OW and given you his passwords?

If your H can't or won't change, you need to see an attorney to see what life would be like. 

is there anyone that has an influence on your H, like his Dad or Mom? 

Sorry for your situation, but keep going to IC and see what suggestions you get from your counselor.


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## Just Joe (May 26, 2014)

Sacrosanct said:


> I think I'm over it...my marriage that is. I finally registered here but I have been a lurker for a long time. My husband's EA was 3 years ago and I read these forums for advice and for support. I was completely crushed by it and well I guess even though years have passed I am still not over it.
> 
> I followed the steps listed here, filed for divorce, sought out therapy, began seeking personal fulfillment outside of the marriage. He begged for forgiveness, agreed to anything and everything I wanted and we started couples therapy. Well, I guess I got so distracted with school etc (I went back for an advanced degree after all this, something he was always against) that I never noticed when the therapy stopped. He was too busy etc. Now he completely balks at any mention of it. I guess we have pretty much rug swept... :scratchhead:
> 
> ...


My grill ran out of propane tonight.

My wife had a long-distance affair that ended 2 years ago.

My wife is afraid of skiing, so bungee-jumping, sky-diving and scuba-diving would be out of the question.

I also reconciled with my wife. So we have a few things in common.

But the thing with my wife is, she always was that way as far as the thrill-seeking type activities, so I don't hold it against her now. Your husband on the other hand does seem a little "over-the-top." I do understand about the skydiving and stuff, but really, he only drinks domestic beer and won't try microbrew? That sounds crazy. Do you think he does that because of some type of resentment. It sounds like one of those things like a shrink might say, "when he says 'I only drink domestic' what he really is saying is 'I resent that you told me what to do.' "

Based on the tone of frustration in your post, is it correct to assume you have tried many times to talk to him about what is bothering you? Have you ever brought up going your separate ways? Is there anything, any fun activities, that he eagerly agrees to do with you, or is it always "no" to everything just because you are the one suggesting it?


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

sorry you are here. 
i hope you find the answers you are looking for.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

If you can hold out until you get your degree it may be a good idea. 

Can you tell him if he doesn't attend anger management then that will be the deal breaker?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

It sounds like his A just slowly killed your sense of love and commitment to him. What you have left, it seems, is commitment to your children, and thus your family unit.

Was it a long EA? Something that you knew about for a while but he gaslighted you about? Did he deny when confronted? You say it crushed you. It appears to have eventually deadened you to him. People do reap what they sow, sadly.

I think I would call it and go ahead and file.


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## beautiful_day (Mar 28, 2013)

You _are _among people who understand ...

It sounds like you are mainly staying for practical reasons. Assuming that he's not actually abusive, but rather has one of those narky tempers one too often sees in men of a certain age, then I'd be inclined to finish the degree, then jettison him. He cheats and drinks and has a temper, plus you have no shared interests ... what's to lose?

In the mean time I'd tell him VERY firmly, that if he shouts at you or the kids ONE MORE TIME, he's OUT!


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Sacrosanct said:


> Thank you all. I sure have a lot of soul searching to do...


Life will get better for you.


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## NeverMore (Feb 24, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> It's not him. It's everyone else.


Hate to say it, but if this is his personality, then you may as well just go. I've known plenty, including my X, and they never see anything they do as their fault.


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

I agree with the posters who advise you to finish your degree. In the meantime, think about an exit plan. If I were in your situation, I would not feel guilty. He's done none of the heavy lifting needed to R. Doesn't seem remorseful, and there's a strong possibility he will cheat again.

You can find someone that you trust, but even if you never do, based on the description of your life with him, you're better off alone.


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## Sacrosanct (Jun 16, 2014)

harrybrown said:


> How old are the kids?
> 
> How long until your degree is finished?
> 
> ...


The kids are young, 5 and 7.
I took this semster off so another year starting in fall.
I think he is transparent?
He gave me the extra phone that he had been using to contact her. She was engaged to be married when this happened (nice, right?) and to my knowledge she got married and is out of the picture. Yes I have all his passwords.


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## Sacrosanct (Jun 16, 2014)

alte Dame said:


> It sounds like his A just slowly killed your sense of love and commitment to him. What you have left, it seems, is commitment to your children, and thus your family unit.
> 
> Was it a long EA? Something that you knew about for a while but he gaslighted you about? Did he deny when confronted? You say it crushed you. It appears to have eventually deadened you to him. People do reap what they sow, sadly.
> 
> I think I would call it and go ahead and file.


I think you are right. It killed my remaining feelings towards him...
No it wasn't long. I caught it pretty quickly (but by accident). So it makes me think maybe there have been more over the years...although he denies it that would seem to fit with his personality type which is all about "victim mentality" and entitlement...:scratchhead:


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## Sacrosanct (Jun 16, 2014)

Just Joe said:


> Do you think he does that because of some type of resentment. It sounds like one of those things like a shrink might say, "when he says 'I only drink domestic' what he really is saying is 'I resent that you told me what to do.' "
> 
> Based on the tone of frustration in your post, is it correct to assume you have tried many times to talk to him about what is bothering you? Have you ever brought up going your separate ways? Is there anything, any fun activities, that he eagerly agrees to do with you, or is it always "no" to everything just because you are the one suggesting it?


He is full of resentment towards everyone and everything so that is a possibility for sure! He is also just a very rigid person and hates changes and hates trying new things.

I have brought up separating several times and he freaks out when I do. He is very posessive and promised to make my life hell if I leave him. He is very immature and can not have a true conversation without immediately getting defensive and angry.

There are no activities that we do together other than have a few drinks maybe. I can't figure out any of his interests. All he likes to do is drink beer and talk to neighbors and stuff. He is quite gossipy lol. I do a alot of things alone including going to movies that he doesn't want to see. I don't think he has any interest in me or what I do as a matter of fact! Except sexually unfortunately for me lol.

Wow as I write all of this I am thinking to myself what are you doing??? He doesn't sound very appealing at all on paper lol. Wonder what originally attracted me to him? I can't even remember sadly...


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