# My husband's secret



## sunshinie (Apr 18, 2017)

This is in relation to my last two threads, about my husband's best friend appearing to come unto me and my husband passivity in dealing with it. Well my husband finally spoke to me about the entire situation, I wished that he hadn't awaken me at two in the morning to do so but then again there are greater issues to deal with. He told me this less than two days ago, so I was mulling it over and I came to a decision. 

Apparently he has been carrying around misplaced guilt for more than 13 years because of some 'broken bro code'. Crap if you ask me. 

Anyways, apparently Chris (my husband's best friend) was attracted to me while we were at college, according to my husband Chris had it really bad for me. So bad, that he was planning to break up with his then girlfriend to be with me. As fate had it I didn't like Chris from the get go, as previously mentioned because of his crass sense of humor. But my dislike towards him had not deterred his intentions, apparently he was going still try to get me to like him. Fate so had it that Chris received a scholarship and migrated. But my husband said over the years whenever they spoke Chris always talked and asked about me. My husband said during that time he and I were dating and he never told Chris anything. Chris found out through a mutual friend and was pissed. They had a falling out that lasted for almost two years. But made up sometime around my son's birth. And Chris had said then that he was past it and he was glad that at least one of them got the 'girl'. My husband said that he always felt guilty about it because he more than anyone else knew how Chris felt about me. 

My contention is that all of this happened a million years ago and these are two grown men who need to grow up and move on from it. There is no betrayal because I never had a relationship with Chris, not even an amicable one. And I do believe there are better things for my husband to feel guilty about, Like trying to make me feel like it was me who had an issue and not them. 

What I have decided to do however is to be a mediator. If when Chris gets here in June for my husband's 40th birthday, and he insinuates anything I will talk to him about it knowing what I know now. Let him know it rubs me the wrong way and I wouldn't want it to breakup our families friendship. I think coming from me should help. Put boundaries in place see where it goes from there.


----------



## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

sunshinie said:


> This is in relation to my last two threads, about my husband's best friend appearing to come unto me and my husband passivity in dealing with it. Well my husband finally spoke to me about the entire situation, I wished that he hadn't awaken me at two in the morning to do so but then again there are greater issues to deal with. He told me this less than two days ago, so I was mulling it over and I came to a decision.
> 
> Apparently he has been carrying around misplaced guilt for more than 13 years because of some 'broken bro code'. Crap if you ask me.
> 
> ...


'Crap' is right. Your husband owes Chris nothing and allowing you to be drawn into the middle of his personal problem is both insensitive and disrespectful to you. At this point, if hubby had any [email protected], he would disinvite Chris from any upcoming events at which you will both be present.


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Seems like ancient history. Someone was attracted to their best friend's girlfriend in college. Seems pretty normal. 

The only unusual thing here is that Chris hasn't let it go over a decade later.


----------



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

It still sounds to me like everyone who's involved in this situation - OP, her husband, Chris, the MIL - are all drama-shopping....


----------



## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

It also may embarrass or anger him so he never comes back. Win-win. To tell the truth, I would not care for a spouse who puts friendship over his wife.


----------



## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

The bro code is to not sleep with a bro's ex. Since you were never involved with Chris he doesn't get to claim you as an ex (unless of course he called dibs). Get your husband this book and it will clarify a few things: https://www.amazon.com/Bro-Code-Bar...8&qid=1493222776&sr=8-1&keywords=the+bro+code


----------



## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Bananapeel said:


> The bro code is to not sleep with a bro's ex. Since you were never involved with Chris he doesn't get to claim you as an ex (unless of course he called dibs). Get your husband this book and it will clarify a few things: https://www.amazon.com/Bro-Code-Bar...8&qid=1493222776&sr=8-1&keywords=the+bro+code


I find this irrelevant, and again, disrespectful to Sunshine. Calling "Dibs" on a human being? I don't think so. Sunshine is a grown woman who chose; her marriage was not the result of some archaic arrangement. Both men need to honor her choice and her husband in particular needs to honor their union above all else.


----------



## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

It was a joke. You obviously don't watch "how I met your mother".


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

sunshinie said:


> This is in relation to my last two threads, about my husband's best friend appearing to come unto me and my husband passivity in dealing with it. Well my husband finally spoke to me about the entire situation, I wished that he hadn't awaken me at two in the morning to do so but then again there are greater issues to deal with. He told me this less than two days ago, so I was mulling it over and I came to a decision.
> 
> Apparently he has been carrying around misplaced guilt for more than 13 years because of some 'broken bro code'. Crap if you ask me.
> 
> ...


You are not a sports car to be bought by whoever gets there first. Remind him of that. You have agency and complete autonomy who you want to be with. In this instance the bro-code is stupid. Besides that you win some you lose some. Your husband won, nothing to be guilty about.


----------



## SRN1013 (Apr 25, 2017)

Easier said than done, but I'd tell my husband to no longer talk to Chris anymore and leave it at that. This seems like a lot of unnecessary drama.


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Rowan said:


> It still sounds to me like everyone who's involved in this situation - OP, her husband, Chris, the MIL - are all drama-shopping....


Couldn't agree more!!!

OP, this is a TERRIBLE idea. Don't have this ridiculous conversation with Chris -- who gives a rat's ass if Chris liked you back then?

Sounds to me like you are feeding on the drama... As you put it so well, this is all college BS from "a million years ago"... Fact is, he accepted the scholarship, moved away from you and lost his chance (although it sounds like he never had a chance to begin with).

Honestly? It seems like you are secretly relishing in Chris's unrequited affection.

All of you should just move on from this childish rehashing.


----------



## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Bananapeel said:


> It was a joke. You obviously don't watch "how I met your mother".


Yep, that one went right over my head. True enough, I never took to that show much. But the reference to "bro code" should have been enough to tip me off. Thanks for the clarification.

My misunderstanding aside, my main point still needed to be made--although I think sokillme made the same point right after me, and with a little more eloquence.


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

sunshinie said:


> This is in relation to my last two threads, about my husband's best friend appearing to come unto me and my husband passivity in dealing with it. Well my husband finally spoke to me about the entire situation, I wished that he hadn't awaken me at two in the morning to do so but then again there are greater issues to deal with. He told me this less than two days ago, so I was mulling it over and I came to a decision.
> 
> Apparently he has been carrying around misplaced guilt for more than 13 years because of some 'broken bro code'. Crap if you ask me.
> 
> ...


Your husband has brushed off your concerns about Chris overstepping boundaries up until now and suddenly it appears there is a long history between them about you and he feels he owes Chris.Are you going to come back in a few days and tell us your husband suggested you sleep with Chris for old times sake.I strongly suggest you never be anywhere alone with Chris or with Chris and your husband.This vacation to his house is sending up all sorts of warning signs to me.
There is a lot more to this and you are being played by both of them in my opinion.
KEEP AWAY From CHRIS.


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

You mentioned something in your other thread that I never heard before.Mind raping.That is not something you should just forget.I hear alarm bells ringing about your husband and Chris and I think you are starting to as well.Your mil changing her position on Chris overnight is also a red flag.
How is your marriage,would your husband and his family be trying to get rid of you and setting you up with Chris be one way of forcing you to divorce.
Again.Stay away from Chris and never be alone with him and your husband.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

happy as a clam said:


> Honestly? It seems like you are secretly relishing in Chris's unrequited affection.
> 
> All of you should just move on from this childish rehashing.


:iagree:


----------



## sunshinie (Apr 18, 2017)

Andy1001 said:


> Your husband has brushed off your concerns about Chris overstepping boundaries up until now and suddenly it appears there is a long history between them about you and he feels he owes Chris.Are you going to come back in a few days and tell us your husband suggested you sleep with Chris for old times sake.I strongly suggest you never be anywhere alone with Chris or with Chris and your husband.This vacation to his house is sending up all sorts of warning signs to me.
> There is a lot more to this and you are being played by both of them in my opinion.
> KEEP AWAY From CHRIS.


Maybe not in a few days but in a few months. Look it sounds like I am idiot, maybe I am. My H needed to get it out and he has. Now WE move pass this. I stand by him no matter what. Even if that means I wear the idiot sign for all see.


----------



## sunshinie (Apr 18, 2017)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> 'Crap' is right. Your husband owes Chris nothing and allowing you to be drawn into the middle of his personal problem is both insensitive and disrespectful to you. At this point, if hubby had any [email protected], he would disinvite Chris from any upcoming events at which you will both be present.


Agreed. Helping him find his Balls. Hopeful we can locate same before June.


----------



## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

Your husband owes Chris NOTHING. There's no "bro code" when there was no reciprocation by you toward Chris. That, in itself, nullifies it. His "guilt" is definitely misplaced, and he shouldn't feel that way at all. He got the girl. It's time he stood up for you.

Do NOT make contact with Chris, and don't even acknowledge that you know how he felt, or what happened. First, and foremost, do not EVER be alone with Chris. In my opinion, he is not trustworthy. If your husband has a pair, he will set boundaries and enforce them.


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

sunshinie said:


> Agreed. Helping him find his Balls. Hopeful we can locate same before June.


Try looking in Chris's pockets or your mother in laws purse.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

sunshinie said:


> What I have decided to do however is to be a mediator.


Bad idea. It is between your H and Chris. For me, Chris needs to draw the boundary and or simply cut off the friendship. There is enough drama in life. This additional noise is not needed.


----------



## sunshinie (Apr 18, 2017)

Rowan said:


> It still sounds to me like everyone who's involved in this situation - OP, her husband, Chris, the MIL - are all drama-shopping....


Rowan you are absolutely right. I am looking for drama. I absolutely am. Why else would I keep coming back to post my personal life online and have **** throw in my virtual face. 

It feels really great having my hubby being call a balls-less coward, me being called drama queen who likes Chris' attention. Hooray for me. 

I honestly thought this forum was created to support and help others. I didn't realize it was a place where you come with your problems and concerns to yet again have your ass kicked. So enjoy your quirks and laughs Rowan. Have a good one.


----------



## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

To me, it seems like you are a prize for your husband and Chris to fight over. Chris lost, but he can't live with that fact, so he continues to pursue. I feel horrible for his wife, who is left on the sideline in all of this. 

Your husband needs to put his foot down on this. Chris really does seem to like to cause trouble and appears to have no problem lying to save face. That is no way to be in a friendship. Your husband needs to cherish you and stop letting this guy bother you. Friendship should never hurt a marriage!

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

sunshinie said:


> Rowan you are absolutely right. I am looking for drama. I absolutely am. Why else would I keep coming back to post my personal life online and have **** throw in my virtual face.
> 
> It feels really great having my hubby being call a balls-less coward, me being called drama queen who likes Chris' attention. Hooray for me.
> 
> I honestly thought this forum was created to support and help others. I didn't realize it was a place where you come with your problems and concerns to yet again have your ass kicked. So enjoy your quirks and laughs Rowan. Have a good one.


You will get helpful advice on this forum but this is your third thread on the same subject and if anything you are in a worse position than when you started.You have been proven to be correct in all your worries about Chris but you are still waiting for your husband to lead you out of this situation when it is his "mind pimping "which has gotten you into it.Can you not see this,he knew Chris was crushing on you but still wanted you to go to his house on vacation and also criticised you for avoiding Chris at parties.I said mind pimping but I have a horrible feeling it was intended to be more.Is He into the cuckold fetish I wonder.
You need to TELL your husband what you want him to do if he wants to stay as your husband,break off all contact with Chris and explain to your mil what really happened.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Well, once again the TAM peanut gallery drives a poster away.

Have you guys ever thought about the idea of taking a kinder, gentler approach?


----------



## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

sunshinie said:


> Rowan you are absolutely right. I am looking for drama. I absolutely am. Why else would I keep coming back to post my personal life online and have **** throw in my virtual face.
> 
> It feels really great having my hubby being call a balls-less coward, me being called drama queen who likes Chris' attention. Hooray for me.
> 
> I honestly thought this forum was created to support and help others. I didn't realize it was a place where you come with your problems and concerns to yet again have your ass kicked. So enjoy your quirks and laughs Rowan. Have a good one.


In my opinion only, your response to Rowan's post is out of line. Several posters here gave a range of comments. Using superlatives like "have your ass kicked" leaves people scratching their heads. Don't be too thin skinned when receiving a comment that is critical of your behavior even when you disagree with the validity of the criticism.


----------



## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Well, once again the TAM peanut gallery drives a poster away.
> 
> Have you guys ever thought about the idea of taking a kinder, gentler approach?


I have noticed that before, but I didn't notice that in this thread. It is something that we should all be cognizant of.


----------



## Quality (Apr 26, 2016)

sunshinie said:


> Agreed. Helping him find his Balls. Hopeful we can locate same before June.


*caveat - I haven't read all your posts or threads

The reason you want him to find his balls here is because you want to feel cherished and him not seeming to care Chris hit on you gave you a horrible impression. Now, despite it being idiotic, your husband has shared a inner secret you didn't know about and he'd held on to for years {it's good he did that}. The fact he FEELS he kind of swooped in and "stole" you behind the back of a "friend" might be a bit foolish and immature but it explains a bit of the conflict he had being confrontational and protective here. Had you KNOWN this information earlier, you might have been able to protect yourself better and never been anywhere alone with Chris. He's probably been looking to even the score with his buddy {your husband} for years and ACTING in front of you, trying to be a model husband to his wife in front of you, trying to talk to you and find your weak points. OR, this was a one-off mistake where he'd had a drink or two and the opportunity to TRY came about and demons whispered in his ear "why not go for it, after all her husband stole her from you years ago". 

This is why secrets in marriage can be a disaster. You were left feeling uncherished and unprotected by the man that has vowed to protect you the most in life because he was unsure what to do, had prior guilt and decided to conflict avoid his way through it. Plus, Chris {who really sounds like a predatory OM who knows what he is doing}, sees that your husband isn't confronting him so he feels he has it spun two ways. First, he thinks he's maintained deniability to his wife and second, he's got a further in with you ~~~ he totally set up to say to "if you were my girl, I'd never just let someone hit on you ~~ I'd have punched me in the nose", plus he now knows you know all about his prior feelings now. 

Chris is now a threat to your marriage. His wife was told, right? If she wasn't these friendships will never work. Let her do with the information what she wants but she's not safe in her marriage either and wouldn't be safe around you guys who keep pertinent secrets about HER LIFE and marriage from her. She might not believe you. So what. Your duty isn't to convince her of the truth, only to tell her the truth and let her make her own choices from there. Your husband doesn't want to lose his friend but he doesn't want to piss you off either. Teach him how to handle conflict appropriately and honestly and when everything shakes out, it usually proves itself and the correct course of action and makes confrontation easier to handle in the future. He wishes the whole thing never happened but it did so it's time to be adults and do something about it. If his wife knows and, though nothing happened, she and y'all still feel comfortable to hang around each other as couple friends even if only from time to time, so be it, but between his wife and you, you'll never find yourself alone with Chris again {which is probably OK with Chris too ~ he doesn't want to lose his friendships either}. Otherwise, Chris is the fox that broke into the henhouse and nodody is doing anything about it so he's learned it's OK and he'll be happy to continue trying.

Good boundaries would include never speaking or being with Chris alone again. It can probably all be sorted out with his wife and you OR between all 4 of you, in person but at least EVERYONE will be watching and holding him accountable versus just you. You've never kissed or done anything so total banishment might not be completely necessary unless it's what you {or his wife} wants. I think you'd be better off moving on to other friends but that's just me.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Steve1000 said:


> I have noticed that before, but I didn't notice that in this thread. It is something that we should all be cognizant of.


It did happen here. From what the OP says, she is not coming back.

This happens on TAM almost every day. It's a problem here.


----------



## MrRight (Apr 17, 2017)

Forgive me OP but your husband is a jerk.

He has no business involving you in this nonsense. 

I suggest you tell him you have never had any interest in Chris whatsoever, never want to see the guy again and dont want to hear his name full stop. If your husband and chris have issues over you they can go and drown them in a bar between them but leave you out.

As your husband it is his duty to protect you against the unwanted attentions of his friends and any stress related. 

Total and utter morons both of them but esp your husband. Sorry!

Dont be a mediator it will just encourage them, enmesh you further and you might have to witness something stupid or listen to utter b/s. Spare yourself from that.


----------



## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

Quality said:


> *caveat - I haven't read all your posts or threads
> 
> The reason you want him to find his balls here is because you want to feel cherished and him not seeming to care Chris hit on you gave you a horrible impression. Now, despite it being idiotic, your husband has shared a inner secret you didn't know about and he'd held on to for years {it's good he did that}. The fact he FEELS he kind of swooped in and "stole" you behind the back of a "friend" might be a bit foolish and immature but it explains a bit of the conflict he had being confrontational and protective here. Had you KNOWN this information earlier, you might have been able to protect yourself better and never been anywhere alone with Chris. He's probably been looking to even the score with his buddy {your husband} for years and ACTING in front of you, trying to be a model husband to his wife in front of you, trying to talk to you and find your weak points. OR, this was a one-off mistake where he'd had a drink or two and the opportunity to TRY came about and demons whispered in his ear "why not go for it, after all her husband stole her from you years ago".
> 
> ...


Such a shame that the OP left before reading this. You really captured the dynamic of the situation and I agree with the idea of speaking to Chris's wife if husband refuses to stop avoiding the situation and have a chat with Chris.


----------



## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> It did happen here. From what the OP says, she is not coming back.
> 
> This happens on TAM almost every day. It's a problem here.


To whatever extent I may have contributed to this exit, I sincerely apologize (especially to the OP, if, by chance she's still watching). I intended my comment to be a call to action rather than a discouragement. It seemed a few people had tried the "kindler, gentler approach" and had gotten nowhere. When that happens, it's natural to become more forceful. As Steve and Ele have noted, it can be a problem and we should be more cognizant of that.


----------



## MrRight (Apr 17, 2017)

"Good boundaries would include never speaking or being with Chris alone again. It can probably all be sorted out with his wife and you OR between all 4 of you, in person but at least EVERYONE will be watching and holding him accountable versus just you."

Agree with the first bit - but must say I would not suffer my wife to the company of a man who has made her feel uncomortable - particularly if I knew he had designs on her! I would end the friendship.


----------



## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

sunshinie said:


> husband's best friend appearing to come unto me and my husband passivity in dealing with it.





sunshinie said:


> Crap if you ask me.


Know what's crap? YOU even talking to this ass hole after he disrespected your marriage by coming on to you.



sunshinie said:


> If when Chris gets here in June for my husband's 40th birthday, and he insinuates anything


Why would you even be in the same room as this guy?!? You do seem to love the drama I guess.

Some loser can't get over you and apparently it's feeding your ego big time. I think your enjoying this. 

If you were a rational person, you would cut this scum out of your life and demand hubby do the same.

There is no plan B, either "dump" this friend or stop pretending you're not getting off on Chris pining away about you.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Unbelievable


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Well, once again the TAM peanut gallery drives a poster away.


I don't think it's necessarily the "peanut gallery" driving posters away. 



EleGirl said:


> Have you guys ever thought about the idea of taking a kinder, gentler approach?


No.

Narcissism needs to be called out. Every. Single. Time.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

OP, you have to have a frank conversation with your H. He is either gutless or enjoying this whole drama like you were some sort of prized possession rather than his wife.
Tell him you expect as your H for him to set boundaries with regard to Chris, that you find it bizarre that he would even want to have anything to do with Chris considering the history and finally you are not some stuffed toy that he can rub Chris's face in it. It seems like this is what he is doing.
Finally, what about Chris' wife? What about some respect for her, I am sure she is not ignorant about all that is going on? 

Something smells off about your H reaction, most normal husbands wouldn't let a man like Chris within 10 feet of you.

When I was younger, newly married we had a few close friends that we hung out with, we were all expats. One night when I was sleeping on the couch (having drank too much wine) one of them bent down to kiss me on the cheek (he was drunk), my H lost it (i got into trouble too though I was sleeping and there was absolutely nothing going on). My H insisted this guy liked me (but I was married and totally blind to it). That guy was removed from the circle of friends in quick fashion and I appreciated my H for that. Even years later after marriage, kids etc (he is also married with kids in another country) reached out to my H to meet up, my H ignored him. This is the way your H should be reacting, not encouraging meet ups, insisting you be nice to Chris, have holidays together, etc. This seems very very off to me.


----------



## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Yep, that one went right over my head. True enough, I never took to that show much. But the reference to "bro code" should have been enough to tip me off. Thanks for the clarification.
> 
> My misunderstanding aside, my main point still needed to be made--although I think sokillme made the same point right after me, and with a little more eloquence.


the bro-code is more what you'd call "guidelines" than actual rules. Arrrrrrrrrrr.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

happy as a clam said:


> I don't think it's necessarily the "peanut gallery" driving posters away.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


It is the peanut gallery chasing people away. There are many times when posters PM me to tell me exactly why they will not be back on TAM.

I have not read all of the OP's posts. So I don't know if you are calling her, her husband or her husband's friend a narcissist. Or if you are calling all of them that.

TAM is a business. We want people to stay here. Being overly harsh drives them away. I'm sure it's NOT your place to decide who needs to be hit over the head with attacks that send them away.


----------

