# Wife fails to see why we're together



## bas_ss (Jun 28, 2020)

First of all, sorry for the length.
Last night we had a long talk with my wife where she told me that she sees me more as a brother, or someone who she cares about, gets along well, but that's that. She doesn't feel connected to me as she did before. Years ago she wouldn't have imagined life without me, now she really doesn't know whether it would be best or worse to go on without me.
We had a very difficult life together, with personal tragedies and other problems that would take a toll on anyone. However our togetherness I think was the reason why we were able to succeed. We really felt that with our love we could defeat everything and I say 'we' because it was mutual.
She says she felt that something changed when she got a difficult disease and I wasn't there for her. Or perhaps this had always happened and she just realized it by then. After that, she noticed the same pattern repeating itself in many different situations and she slowly started to lose that feeling of closeness and developed an isolationist personality.
I replied to her that I was always crazy about her and while she was feeling that I didn't care, I was doing everything in my power to try to help her. To be clear on the extent of what I'm talking about, I started learning acupuncture just to try and help her. Similar things happened in other situations. I tried to explain her that I cared deeply about her and tried to help her in everything, and that perhaps the problem was that doing all those things wasn't what she needed of me. She just needed my understanding and companionship while I was busy looking for a 'solution'. Not only did I not find any, but she tagged me as selfish and uncaring as well. 
I was also very overprotective of her, and decided things on her behalf that I shouldn't thinking it was for her own good. For example I decided that we should move to a different country and leave everything behind, which she strongly disagreed but complied nevertheless. Of course this wasn't a sudden decision and we spent years discussing it, and I always gave her the chance to say 'No', but my track record apparently implied that I was just trying to be nice and not honest about her saying 'No'. I had real good reasons for the whole thing, but I regret that deeply. And she never forgave me for that. Of course in my eyes she was no saint and I also felt mistreated and have many complaints, but this wasn't about her. It was about me. 
All of this, she said, made us become partners in the sense that we can get along well, care about each other but we are not friends, in the sense that a friend is there when you need them, and you can depend on them. She can't depend on me. She doesn't want any kind of intimacy with me (not only sexual, but emotional as well) because that is beyond the scope of what our relationship is.
I am 200% committed to making it work. But she isn't. She said, literally, that 'that ship has sailed along time ago'. She accepts the relationship for what it is, and that's it. She says I have disappointed her too many times in order to give a chance for things to improve.
We have a baby and I would never leave him, but I also don't want to live the rest of my life in unhappiness. And I do love her and think what we have is worth fighting for. 
I would be happy to hear any suggestions. She doesn't want to go to counseling so that's off the table at least for now.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

To you this is all new but she’s been thinking about this for a long time, years in fact. You need to accept that when a woman says she’s done then ninety nine percent of the time she’s really done. 
All you can do is concentrate on being the best father you can be.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Yeah brother, it is way past time for you to leave her and start a new life. 

If anything she says is true, then you need to look at yourself and try to fix yourself for you, not for her. 

She is done, and has been. Odds are she has a BF already, but that really does not matter, this marriage is done. 

She is done, and you should be done...


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

bas_ss said:


> She doesn't want to go to counseling so that's off the table at least for now.


Don't waste your time or your money, Like Andy said, be the best father you can be. 



bas_ss said:


> She says she felt that something changed when she got a difficult disease and I wasn't there for her.


Unless you left her living in a box under a bridge..... this statement has no validity. If she is so dependent that she needs a "hand-holder" to get her through life, she really should consider becoming an adult.

Anyway, when I hear hoofs....I think horses..... when I hear crap like this, I think adultery.

Her whole story is ILYBINILWY.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Just find yourself an absolute shark for an attorney and file.
If that doesn't get her attention, let the process play out and find yourself a woman who wants to be with you.


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## EveningThoughts (Jul 12, 2018)

Had one of you planned this conversation? Did your wife bring it up, or you?

We (my husband and I) seem to have followed a similar path, except for the moving country. Moving town was bad enough for me. And now I find myself at a similar place as your wife, but am hoping it's not permanent.

It's possible that your wife has been trying to get through to you for a very long time, but gave up now.
It's also possible that your wife is now depressed, and can only recall negatives.
Is she? And if so has she looked into any treatment options?

"In sickness & in health"
Your wife says that you were selfish and uncaring. She is still hurting from something big here.
Now some guys can be pretty rubbish at being carers and showing empathy. But were you selfish?
Were you her protector? Did you advocate for her if she was struggling to advocate for herself through this illness?

You also say that you were overprotective and decided things for the marriage, like moving country even though your wife strongly disagreed.
That sounds more like controlling behaviour, than being overprotective. 

So . . .are you selfish and controlling in this relationship? Regardless of how much you say you love your wife. Do you listen to her and take her wishes into account. Or do you convince her that you have a better idea/solution etc.

There have been some pretty hard times throughout your marriage. You have both dug deep to get through it together. This shows the strength of your original bond.
You want to commit but your wife seems to accept the relationship as it is now.
If she has no plans to leave yet, then you can work on this and fight for her/your marriage.

Have you looked into walkaway wife syndrome, or wife checked out. There might be some advice of what not to do and what might help.
There is actually a discussion on here about how to stop a
Walkaway wife
But there are other sites that have advice, rather than discussions. The discussions could show the possible head space that your wife is in.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

You really need to see a lawyer then a therapist.

Make sure the lawyer is the best in your area. Then see the next 4 on the list. This keeps you stbx from using them.

Your wife is rewriting history. She is trying to make you out as an uncaring jerk. She is completely done with the relationship. I have read many situations where the spouse that expresses what your wife has is having an affair.

Read The 180 and do it. You need this to separate yourself emotionally from your wife so you can look at this rationally.

Be the best father you can by protecting yours and your child’s future from your stbx.

You can not save something that your wife has no desire to save.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

It doesn't sound like the wife is rewriting history. It sounds exactly like she told OP, she feels like he's a brother and years of accumulated issues have led to this, and she's not sure they should stay together.

Isn't this how it should go? She's being honest, and coming to him to tell him what she's feeling.

Nothing wrong with that and actually the honest thing to do.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Real all about 'walk away wife syndrome.' seems to be the case here. 
You and your wife should also read (together) His Needs, Her Needs. Sometimes couples are at cross purposes and think they are meeting each others needs but in fact are not.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

bas_ss said:


> For example I decided that we should move to a different country and leave everything behind, which she strongly disagreed but complied nevertheless. Of course this wasn't a sudden decision and we spent years discussing it, and I always gave her the chance to say 'No',


So you knew she strongly disagreed? And yet you did it? And you tell yourself you gave her the chance to say no, although she communicated to you that she strongly disagreed and you still did it? I find that story confusing.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Livvie said:


> It doesn't sound like the wife is rewriting history. It sounds exactly like she told OP, she feels like he's a brother and years of accumulated issues have led to this, and she's not sure they should stay together.
> 
> Isn't this how it should go? She's being honest, and coming to him to tell him what she's feeling.
> 
> Nothing wrong with that and actually the honest thing to do.


If she had moved to file divorce, you are completely correct. However, she actually expects him to support her in a loveless, sexless roommate situation...

That part is not right. But at least she told the truth. The other thing is, she is most likely cheating already, I think most of us can see that...


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

TJW said:


> Unless you left her living in a box under a bridge..... this statement has no validity. If she is so dependent that she needs a "hand-holder" to get her through life, she really should consider becoming an adult.





ABHale said:


> Your wife is rewriting history. She is trying to make you out as an uncaring jerk. She is completely done with the relationship. I have read many situations where the spouse that expresses what your wife has is having an affair.


I disagree. Having watched my mother, my sister, and myself face serious illness and chronic disease, having emotional support is very important. From OP's post, he withdrew emotionally in order to research and learn. On her behalf, yes, but she had a medical team for that. She needed her husband in a different way. She needed him to hold her hand through the fear and pain, to let her know he was there for her on a more personal level, to share the burden in a personal way, and he failed to do that.To the mind of his wife he abandoned her when she needed him most. To add insult to injury, he admits he made decisions without consulting her and/or knowing she was in the "nay" camp. Most women wouldn't be able to come back from that.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

MJJEAN said:


> I disagree. Having watched my mother, my sister, and myself face serious illness and chronic disease, having emotional support is very important. From OP's post, he withdrew emotionally in order to research and learn. On her behalf, yes, but she had a medical team for that. She needed her husband in a different way. She needed him to hold her hand through the fear and pain, to let her know he was there for her on a more personal level, to share the burden in a personal way, and he failed to do that.To the mind of his wife he abandoned her when she needed him most. To add insult to injury, he admits he made decisions without consulting her and/or knowing she was in the "nay" camp. Most women wouldn't be able to come back from that.


I am going to disagree.
Just because he was finding was to help doesn’t mean he pulled away emotionally.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Has she received "help" to form these conclusions?


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

ABHale said:


> I am going to disagree.
> Just because he was finding was to help doesn’t mean he pulled away emotionally.


He says it himself in his OP.

"She says she felt that something changed when _she got a difficult disease and I wasn't there for her_. Or perhaps this had always happened and she just realized it by then. After that, _she noticed the same pattern repeating itself in many different situations and she slowly started to lose that feeling of closeness and developed an isolationist personality._"

" Similar things happened in other situations. I tried to explain her that I cared deeply about her and tried to help her in everything, and that perhaps the problem was that doing all those things wasn't what she needed of me. _She just needed my understanding and companionship while I was busy looking for a 'solution'._"

OP's wife needed him to emotionally support her while he spent that time and energy elsewhere. Emotional abandonment. 

Then OP added to the problem by doing things like this,

"I was also very overprotective of her, and_ decided things on her behalf that I shouldn't thinking it was for her own good. _For example I decided that we should move to a different country and leave everything behind, which_ she strongly disagreed but complied nevertheless_."

From his wife's point of view, he emotionally abandoned her in her greatest time of need and then began making decisions unilaterally, even when aware of her strong disagreement, while she was vulnerable. That's not something most women would be able to come back from.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

MJJEAN said:


> He says it himself in his OP.
> 
> "She says she felt that something changed when _she got a difficult disease and I wasn't there for her_. Or perhaps this had always happened and she just realized it by then. After that, _she noticed the same pattern repeating itself in many different situations and she slowly started to lose that feeling of closeness and developed an isolationist personality._"
> 
> ...


Yes, this.

I left my marriage because of this type of emotional abandonment during a serious health issue.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

MJJEAN said:


> He says it himself in his OP.
> 
> "She says she felt that something changed when _she got a difficult disease and I wasn't there for her_. Or perhaps this had always happened and she just realized it by then. After that, _she noticed the same pattern repeating itself in many different situations and she slowly started to lose that feeling of closeness and developed an isolationist personality._"
> 
> ...


Then she should have said something about how he went about helping. He said he was there for her in anyway he could be.

Him not being there is from HER point of view. You know, the person that is leaving the marriage because they are done. The person that never brought it up as a issue in the marriage until she was ready to leave and heading out the door.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

ABHale said:


> Him not being there is from HER point of view. You know, the person that is leaving the marriage because they are done. The person that never brought it up as a issue in the marriage until she was ready to leave and heading out the door.


 One of the things about marriage we count on is that our spouse will be there, supporting us, in case life throws a real nasty curve ball such as a serious illness or disease. If/when that fails to happen it is natural to reevaluate the marriage. So, she did. And what did she see? 

"After that, _she noticed the same pattern repeating itself in many different situations_ and she slowly started to lose that feeling of closeness and developed an isolationist personality."

He utterly failed at emotional support, connection, empathy, etc. when there was a crisis and he was needed the most. That glaring failure shed light on a pattern of emotional distance. And then he began making unilateral decisions "for her own good" either without consulting her or over her known objection and even decided they'd move to a different country over knowing she "strongly disagreed" because he "had real good reasons for the whole thing". Very few women would want much to do with a man after that.

We don't know whether or not she tried telling OP. He admits that he made decisions over her objections, so he clearly wasn't listening. How many times have we seen women say that they tried to tell their husbands, but the husbands basically dismissed their attempts at communication, didn't really take is seriously, thought it was just a vent, and then were "shocked" or "blindsided" when they told their husbands they were done?


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

She is done. It seems like you were making decisions all by yourself most of your marriage, not listening to her. 
it took her years to figure this out, counseling won’t change this. Let her go.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

MJJEAN said:


> One of the things about marriage we count on is that our spouse will be there, supporting us, in case life throws a real nasty curve ball such as a serious illness or disease. If/when that fails to happen it is natural to reevaluate the marriage. So, she did. And what did she see?
> 
> "After that, _she noticed the same pattern repeating itself in many different situations_ and she slowly started to lose that feeling of closeness and developed an isolationist personality."
> 
> ...


Again, this is all from her point of view.

OP did his best to be there for her.

She never said that she needed him in a different way. He never said he left her to deal with the issues on her own. He did what he thought would help her. 

She never said a thing about it until she was walking out the door.

OP isn’t a mind reader, just like the rest of us. We need communication when things are going differently then what we want. That way we can improve the relationship.

It’s funny how she is able to look back NOW and realize that he never gave a damn about her emotionally. You would think that it would be a obvious thing from the start of the relationship.

OP talking this out like this, I am really starting to believe your wife is cheating on you and is leaving you for someone else.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

ABHale said:


> Again, this is all from her point of view.
> 
> OP did his best to be there for her.
> 
> She never said a thing about it until she was walking out the door.


All she needs to justifiable end her relationship with her husband is her point of view.

OP may have done his best, but his best wasn't what she needed and that, combined with the decision making issues, damaged their relationship irreparably.

Again, we have no idea what she told, tried telling him, or when. The man clearly doesn't listen to her. If he did, they'd never have moved against her wishes and I'm fairly certain that's just the tip of the iceberg. If he'd disregard her on such a major life changing decision, I'd bet $$ he also disregarded her otherwise. That kind of behavior kills love stone dead. 

From a certain point of view, even his posting here is disregarding her wishes. She's clearly stated her feelings.

"All of this, she said, made us become partners in the sense that we can get along well, care about each other but we are not friends, in the sense that a friend is there when you need them, and you can depend on them. She can't depend on me. _She doesn't want any kind of intimacy_ with me (not only sexual, but emotional as well) because that is beyond the scope of what our relationship is.
I am 200% committed to making it work._ But she isn't. She said, literally, that 'that ship has sailed along time ago'. She accepts the relationship for what it is, and that's it. She says I have disappointed her too many times in order to give a chance for things to improve."_


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

ABHale said:


> I am going to disagree.
> Just because he was finding was to help doesn’t mean he pulled away emotionally.


Actually it does not matter what we think or even what he thought about his emotional pulling away it is what his wife felt. It is her feelings alone on the subject which matter. She felt he emotionally abandoned her when she needed him most and that can be a death knell to a marriage. It doesn't matter what other things he was doing to support her.

It is the same as telling a man who gets no sex from his wife, but she cooked for you everyday, cleaned your clothes, took care of your house, took care of the bills, etc. She did so much for you, why are you complaining......?" The answer is, it doesn't matter about all the things she did, she was not meeting his needs for intimacy. In the same way OP was not meeting her need for emotional intimacy when she was going through a tough time. 
I have been through this when I had depression. My H was busy working, keeping things together financially, ensuring kids were ok, etc, but not there for me at all. In fact he ran away in my view and buried himself in other things as he couldn't handle my depression. This I have forgiven, but will never forget and will not let myself be too attached to him and have become very independent which he complains about, frankly in my book, he is lucky I am still with him.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

BluesPower said:


> Yeah brother, it is way past time for you to leave her and start a new life.
> 
> If anything she says is true, then you need to look at yourself and try to fix yourself for you, not for her.
> 
> ...


OMG, not every woman who has disconnected from her marriage as a BF around the bloody corner!

He emotionally abandoned his wife, (one of the worst things to do), didn't meet her needs, didn't listen to her when she expressed her needs, so this is the outcome.
Women will let you know over a long period of time, but if you don't listen, won't listen then you get a wife who switches off completely and once she crosses the 'point of no return' the marriage is dead.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

aine said:


> OMG, not every woman who has disconnected from her marriage as a BF around the bloody corner!
> 
> He emotionally abandoned his wife, (one of the worst things to do), didn't meet her needs, didn't listen to her when she expressed her needs, so this is the outcome.
> Women will let you know over a long period of time, but if you don't listen, won't listen then you get a wife who switches off completely and once she crosses the 'point of no return' the marriage is dead.


Yes you are right, not everyone does. But please, be real lots do, lots. 

Is it a majority, is it less, who knows. 

I think at least she had the decency to leave, which I call a win... 

Some guys have a hard time moving on, I don't get why but I know it happens.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Some cling like grim death when it’s too late.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

The thing is this, she didn’t say **** about it until she was walking out the door.

I say don’t let the door hither in the ass on her way out. He is going To be better off with out her.

Aine, sorry you went through what you did. How was your husband supposed to do everything and still be there for you? Worked at least 40 hrs a week, paid the bills, took care of the kids, ect. Then your going to complain that he wasn’t there for you as well. He was there for you, he made sure you didn’t have to worry about anything but getting better. Your lucky you had a husband that stepped up and took care of everything else so you could focus on you.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I emotionally abandoned my wife, because she couldn't emotionally bond with me. It was a difficult period and I was selfish. Didn't support her, I only cared about myself, my well-being and sex. She detached and I detached. Yes, she was mentally ill and I didn't understand it. I got it wrong and ruined everything. Once you get to that stage, there is no return. I know now, I didn't know then. Too late, she says.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

bas_ss said:


> I am 200% committed to making it work. But she isn't. *She said, literally, that 'that ship has sailed along time ago'*. She accepts the relationship for what it is, and that's it. She says I have disappointed her too many times in order to give a chance for things to improve.
> We have a baby and I would never leave him, but I also don't want to live the rest of my life in unhappiness. *And I do love her and think what we have is worth fighting for.*
> I would be happy to hear any suggestions. *She doesn't want to go to counseling so that's off the table at least for now*.


Why do you not believe what she is saying?

You seem to be attempting to control her narrative.

She says that she is done. She doesn't want to try to fix the marriage. yet you think this can be fixed because you want to fight for it.

Your statement "She doesn't want to go to counseling so that's off the table at least for now" sounds like you're going to peck at her till you can break her resolve and get her to go.

You'll be better off just ending the marriage.
Living as roommates is no way to live a marriage.


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## Farmlady (Feb 17, 2020)

I am so very sorry you are having to go through this. I have been married 16 years, have 2 kids, and am now considering divorce when I never would have 6 months ago and my husband doesn't even know yet. In many ways, I sympathize with your wife. For many reasons, I have stopped loving my husband and don't think I can again, at least not as a wife should. He is now the most affectionate he has ever been and is terrified of losing me. I recently started seeing a therapist on my own to make sure I'm reading my own feelings correctly and navigate what is to come if I really have to end it. Right or wrong, I can't bring myself to put that on him until I am in a better place myself. I feel done and all the affection and attention being heaped on me might as well be being thrown on a brick wall. In fact, it usually has the opposite effect even though I keep smiling and pretend through it. I sincerely wish she would explore therapy, and if you have not, I encourage you to. Focus on being the best person and father you can be. It will be heart breaking but you cannot control another person's feelings or actions, as much as we wish we could. If she is done, there is nothing you can do to change that. Only she can.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Livvie said:


> It doesn't sound like the wife is rewriting history. It sounds exactly like she told OP, she feels like he's a brother and years of accumulated issues have led to this, and she's not sure they should stay together.
> 
> Isn't this how it should go? She's being honest, and coming to him to tell him what she's feeling.
> 
> Nothing wrong with that and actually the honest thing to do.


Unless She is cheating. He needs to see if she is cheating.

kinda looks like she might be.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

ABHale said:


> The thing is this, she didn’t say **** about it until she was walking out the door.
> 
> I say don’t let the door hither in the ass on her way out. He is going To be better off with out her.
> 
> Aine, sorry you went through what you did. How was your husband supposed to do everything and still be there for you? Worked at least 40 hrs a week, paid the bills, took care of the kids, ect. Then your going to complain that he wasn’t there for you as well. He was there for you, he made sure you didn’t have to worry about anything but getting better. Your lucky you had a husband that stepped up and took care of everything else so you could focus on you.


@AB Hale I usually value your opinion but no my H did not focus on everything else. He made sure there was money for bills and kids education, that is all. 
I still had to work, study, take care of household, kids, pets, etc though some days I could hardly muster the energy to get out of bed. I spend many nights at home alone while he went out with clients (supposedly), so no, I did not get the time to focus on me. I had to pull myself out of it ALONE. He only focused on his work, golf and drinking with his colleagues. So please do not assume you know anything. And I will never forget and know that he will not be the kind of man to be there for me, so I will ensure I have alternatives. As the saying goes, when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. 

The reality is there are also lots of women who put up with a lot of ****, they tell their husbands over and over but all the H hears is 'nagging.' Then he acts in horror as the victim when she decides enough is enough, go figure!
So @AB Hale by your logic if a man is earning money and bringing home a paycheck, his wife should be content, after-all what would she have to complain about? By your logic if a man is fed, his clothes clean, what would have to complain about?
Bottom line, he was busy in action, not listening, a big big difference. if he has listened more, maybe things would be different. However it looks the ship has sailed and he has to move on.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

aine said:


> @AB Hale I usually value your opinion but no my H did not focus on everything else. He made sure there was money for bills and kids education, that is all.
> I still had to work, study, take care of household, kids, pets, etc though some days I could hardly muster the energy to get out of bed. I spend many nights at home alone while he went out with clients (supposedly), so no, I did not get the time to focus on me. I had to pull myself out of it ALONE. He only focused on his work, golf and drinking with his colleagues. So please do not assume you know anything. And I will never forget and know that he will not be the kind of man to be there for me, so I will ensure I have alternatives. As the saying goes, when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.
> 
> The reality is there are also lots of women who put up with a lot of ****, they tell their husbands over and over but all the H hears is 'nagging.' Then he acts in horror as the victim when she decides enough is enough, go figure!
> ...


Anie I am sorry you went through what you did. There are a lot of men and women that find themselves in this situation.

The thing is this, all we have to go on is what OP is telling us. He doesn’t mention anything about her talking with him about what she needed. A lot of men are problem solvers, that is how we try and fix a situation with our loved ones. It in no way reflects on how little we love someone or what we are willing to sacrifice to insure their wellbeing.

We can all pull from personal experience in many situations we read on here. At the end of it all we still need to go with what the OP is telling us.

OP said that his wife brought all of this up when she was ending the marriage. He doesn’t say anything about talks before hand.

I know my wife isn’t doing anything from my point of view to help and fix our relationship. I have talked with her over the last five or six years. We have gone to counseling and nothing has changed except an increase in intimacy. We still don’t do date nights or weekend get a ways.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

bas_ss said:


> I was also very overprotective of her, and decided things on her behalf that I shouldn't thinking it was for her own good. For example I decided that we should move to a different country and leave everything behind, which she strongly disagreed but complied nevertheless. Of course this wasn't a sudden decision and we spent years discussing it, and I always gave her the chance to say 'No', but *my track record* apparently implied that I was just trying to be nice and not honest about her saying 'No'.





ABHale said:


> OP said that his wife brought all of this up when she was ending the marriage. He doesn’t say anything about talks before hand.


It looks like a lot of talking went on over the years - he wasn't listening.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I think the ship has sailed on your relationship. It just hasn't been good for her. Doesn't sound like it's great for you either. She'd be happier back where she came from with a support system. You can't make up for the deficit she feels in the relationship. You can't just fix something like that. 

It's fizzled. I say let it go.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> It looks like a lot of talking went on over the years - he wasn't listening.


Only in this situation.

You still don’t know what was said for the rest of it.

Even with this. She never stopped and said we need to talk, this isn’t working for me.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

ABHale said:


> Only in this situation.
> 
> *You still don’t know what was said for the rest of it.*
> 
> Even with this. She never stopped and said we need to talk, this isn’t working for me.


Neither do you. I realize that you will always, always take the man's side; but, the OP made one (1) post 13 days ago so it looks like you're more concerned about it than he.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Not really. I take the women’s side as well when they post. I just don’t assume that the poster is a complete failure in the marriage. It takes two to make it work or fail.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

ABHale said:


> Anie I am sorry you went through what you did. There are a lot of men and women that find themselves in this situation.
> 
> The thing is this, all we have to go on is what OP is telling us. He doesn’t mention anything about her talking with him about what she needed. A lot of men are problem solvers, that is how we try and fix a situation with our loved ones. It in no way reflects on how little we love someone or what we are willing to sacrifice to insure their wellbeing.
> 
> ...


You still don’t do date nights or weekend getaways? so why don’t you make it happen? Why wait for her?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

aine said:


> You still don’t do date nights or weekend getaways? so why don’t you make it happen? Why wait for her?


Because I was shot down enough times that I won’t ask again.


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

I’ve seen (and experienced) what OP is experiencing multiple times. Did you apologize for not being there for her or are you defending you position that you were in fact there for her she just doesn’t get it? A couple of thoughts:

1. Men and women experience love WAY differently and marry for different reasons. Women cherish safety, a provider, companionship, and family. Sex is secondary or tertiary to these. The default “love mode” is familial (like a brother). A woman usually does not express love through sex and usually requires a strong emotional basis before sex. Women are FAR more likely to “flip the switch” if the emotion/safety part is gone. Men on the other hand seek companionship, sex, and a value-added partner. Sex, along with being a provider are the default “love modes.” Most guys get friend-zone enough while dating and have disdain for having this happen in marriage. This is at odds with a woman’s default love mode.

2. Women will put up with A LOT more than a guy will before hitting the divorce button. However they don’t want to be “the bad guy” in that what people around them think is very important so many will await an opportunity or create a scenario where he initiates the divorce.

3. Rewriting history is common. In my own MC, she complained about a season in our lives in which she had erased her depression, fears of abandonment, body image issues, nagging, complaining and zero empathy for what I was going through at work. She was the perfect wife who was a victim of her husband’s job. It was actually about her unresolved family of origin issues which at the time she had not disclosed. After I pushed back with the MC she was speechless. Now I did apologize for my part but she had to face her own stuff.

4. Once a women withdrawals her emotional connection it is game over. Seen this dozens of times. Right now she has it good, you’re providing and she doesn’t have to do anything but make you “pay reparations” for the past. And your kid is the leverage. You can’t make someone love you. Many people stay for the kids but I tell my buddies that 1) she will malign you the rest of your life in front of your kids; 2) the truth will eventually come out when your kids get older. I’d write a letter and time stamp for when the kid is older. You can say “here’s why we divorced and it wasn’t from me not trying.” 

5. A lot of people get hurt when they aren’t loved the way they need to be beloved. In her case, it was listening and understanding not problem solving. I admit guys are wired that way and “just listening” seems a waste of time but women need listening and for someone to validate their feelings to unburden themselves. This is why they go to their girlfriends. I’ve learned that unless she says “I need you to _fill in the blank_” then sit on your hands and don’t invalidate her feelings (“Babe it’s no big deal”). If she expects you to read her mind then she has a communication problem.

Solution-wise, I’d start IC immediately and seek eventual MC. The statement “she recognizes the relationship for what it is” means she intends to be friends with everything but romantic and sexual benefits. Let that sink in. 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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