# He's "in love" but always angry?



## dadda11o (Jan 6, 2011)

I've been curious about this for a while. Maybe someone has some insight....

Last year, my husband began an affair with a married woman. When I discovered it and had no doubt what was happening, I dropped a few hints; he played dumb at first ... then I told him I knew he was lying through his teeth, etc. I packed a few things and asked him to stay elsewhere for a few days so as not to have our daughters involved in an uproar (they knew, we found his car abandoned in a Walmart parking lot with too many clues). 

He filed for divorce against me in early October (about a week after discovery) of 2010. I received an earful of how he'd met the "perfect, mature love"; I couldn't hold a candle to her and he was going to marry her as fast as humanly possible. I could be most helpful by packing up and getting out, he explained. She and her husband remain married and there has been no divorce filing for them, but I know she and my husband are still together, sexually as well. 

When I first found out, I went through all kinds of emotions, but one was JOY! I'd been feeling depressed, as I remember but couldn't really figure out why, although he'd been seriously moody for months, which I thought was related to a medical condition. I've been going to therapy to keep on an even keel. As anxiety has subsided, I actually feel sort of peaceful overall and happy. Not so much about this protracted divorce (which could have been finished quite a while ago, except that he wants me to accept a pathetic settlement). 

I've really picked up on the fact that he is always angry and/or stressed-I can easily tell by his voice when he is stressed out. He had some serious meltdowns that involved smashing a dehumidifier (because the electric bill would go up, but we had just had a flooded basement that NEEDED to be dried out-something like $28 in electric; I ended up spending roughly $250 for another one, furnace filters, antibiotics and dr. visit after daughters got sick and I started coughing up blood shortly after he smashed it) and other, smaller items, screaming at me or our daughters and telling me they'd "find (me) in the river" because it is HIS house (his name is on the title solo) and I had asked him to knock before coming in (he has been living next door at his mother's by his own choice; he'd been welcome to stay here as long as no fighting). After that last rampage/threat, my attorney filed for a protective order. It has been much more peaceful. 

His consistent bad mood only makes sense in one context to me: he had some script running in his head about how he was going to handle "getting rid of me" and I was supposed to read my lines/act in accordance to whatever mental fantasy he had going on. So I screwed up his "plan". Overall, I would prefer not having all these attorney bills (plus medical bills for our teens' stress induced illnesses and tests to rule out other problems). If he would quit being obtuse, I just wanted some time to pay down some bills and save a bit of money. The past year has gone by and I have a bit more debt, only a little more in savings and a judgment he refuses to pay on.

When I am happy/in love, I tend to be more optimistic, generous and less provoked to anxiety/anger. And if I wanted him gone so I could be with the "love of my life", I'd find out how to do it quickly and as peaceably as possible. My attorney has already gone over figures with me, but we have no cash. Mostly just the equity in the house; I know the market is slow and values are down. Basically, I'm figuring on the likelihood that I will receive basically nothing but my personal property. But I'd like to move on with my life; even with a second job, I can't because he's forever sending stuff in to his attorney (though he supposedly has no money either).

I'm to the point I am trying to understand what's going on with his anger and actions in order to maybe try a different strategy. I feel optimistic about life once I can get out of what feels like limbo. I've supported myself before and ought to be able to earn a decent salary in a more populated area than where I am now. He makes absolutely no sense to me. He refuses to sell the house, unless it's to me. Then he wants mortgage payoff plus $10,000. He wants me out, but says he doesn't want to live here, one day it's because e can't afford it, the next because I've "destroyed" it (I painted trim in our laundry room white to match the overall decor and pulled up a 12 x 14 carpet that was urine-stained/soaked from our old cat who recently died).

Basically, he's 1 year + into an affair with a married woman who is supposedly getting a divorce "someday" and our divorce. But his actions and anger (I do get anxious when things get chaotic) are making it harder for me to give him what he says he wants and what will give me peace of mind and future. He normally only shows his anger to me and sometimes the kids. In the outside world, he's Mr. Social, friendly and smiling at all times. He's commented in past that he doesn't like his private life being made public.

Is there a way I can maybe tell if he's "punishing me" or doing what he's doing in a purposeful manner, or is it possible that he's just so emotionally wound up or "all over" that he can't think/act in a way that supports what he says his goal is? I've tried the rational approach: just telling him if we can cool it on using the attorneys, I can get going. He just comes back with something like: "You want to save money? Take your stuff and go!" Last week, he texted me that my "reaching" (hiring an attorney for protection against my ignorance)is costing me. 

I'd appreciate any thoughts ... I've sort of hit the wall in terms of understanding and trying to cope with his way of doing divorce. I was approved this past spring for a decent mortgage, but needed to get together a bit more for a down payment and wanted to pay down some debts so I would have a bit of breathing room.


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

Maybe he's conflicted about what he wants. He sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it too and it's not working out for him as well as he'd like. It does sound like he's taking things out on you. I don't have any practical advice for you, but just thought I'd say hang in there...


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## Bartimaus (Oct 15, 2011)

Good chance his anger is because you caught him AND the OW won't divorce her man.
If finances are tough you might try a dissolution if you agree on everything. I am in Ohio and we filed yesterday for dissolution with no children. We did the paperwork with help from a free attorny from a free clinic and the cost of the dissolution is $175.00. The court date is exactly one month from now. Sad after all these years but happy and peaceful it is ending.


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## Mindful Coach (Sep 15, 2011)

Wow! I agree with desert-rose, he doesn't know if he's coming or going. Does the OW's husband know about this affair? He certainly should. Keep pushing through for the divorce, you'll be much happier when you are able to move on.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Tell the skanks husband and anyone else that will listen!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

ClipClop said:


> Tell the skanks husband and anyone else that will listen!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He deserves to know
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dadda11o (Jan 6, 2011)

Thank you all for your replies! I realize my post was long, but sometimes hard to know what might be pertinent info. 

Mindful Coach, ClipClop, AlmostRecovered: 
After some searching, I found a number and informed him of the affair.

He was not aware that my husband had also been at/in his home several months previously while he was out of town. (That time I was told he was going to a male co-worker's house.) He thought/hoped maybe it wasn't sexual; I informed him that it was (found Rx for ED pills in his car; he'd left his full bottle picked up a week before in our medicine cabinet. He came back with the bottle stuffed into a shoe; 2 1/2 were gone.). 

A couple months later, I found a 14 page "love letter" she'd written at some point after they'd gone off for the weekend. It outlined the relationship's beginning, their 1st conversation (he told her he was re-married to his wife and that we have two teenage daughters; mentions that he has a commitment to God regarding marriage and family). Later, she talked of envying me, "wishing with all my heart" that SHE was his wife. Then, her husband finding out; how he is determined to divorce her, so she and my husband can't see each other "until the divorces are final", then "we'll pick up where we left off". There's a good amount, too, about God and church, about them going into eternity; how she ignores moments when the preacher seems to be directing his words straight to her sin.

The only other thing of note in that letter is that describes reading romance novels and watching that type of movie; deciding that kind of life and love don't exist, til she met him. There are a lot of "selfish I" statements: I wanted things to progress, I was becoming very selfish in my needs and wants, I heard the pastor say, "sin for a season and reap its consequences," I ignored him. 

I sent her husband the last page of the letter and shared my discovery that my husband had gotten her a cell phone on our account by sending an e-mail. He asked if we could meet; we did. I had photocopied the letter and stuffed it back in the shelf where I'd found it.

He filed last October against me, but hasn't moved forward in terms of drawing up a settlement proposal. Originally, he kept after me to pack up my personal belongings, get out and take my debts and $11,000 of his. I filed a pro se motion for a provisional hearing; granted and I received possession of the house and custody of our youngest daughter, who is in her last year of high school.

I'm not sophisticated enough to have any idea why he's getting a divorce and she's not (and her husband, despite what she wrote in the letter, never filed). Yet he's not following through; I met with my attorney and went over the numbers. I decided to hold off on her preparing a proposal, because I don't expect to actually see any money from this. We went to mediation; I was told that basically, he was trying to put the screws to me. He submitted medical bills on his side of the debt for $29,000 that had not gone through insurance or Medicare. I expect they will be a few thousand at most. I know that he will quibble and so on; I already tried to sit down amicably with him more than once, Bartimaus, and he only wants his original verbal "proposal", but of course, he doesn't want his attorney to draw THAT up to be presented at trial.

Desert-rose, I agree that he's conflicted; I am guessing that things and people didn't cooperate in real life the way they probably were in his fantasy. He's told me on several occasions that he will NEVER be with me again, he can't stand me and etc. So it's not reconciliation or coming to his senses going on. I've been fairly calm and assertive but decent overall. I told him he could stay here, as long as no fighting. He did for a couple of weeks, then went back to his mother's house next door and start filing pro se requests for hearing alleging I was abusing our daughter, destroying the house, etc. Those requests were ignored by the Court.

Since he is not and has not taken any real responsibility but places blame (mostly on me), I don't suppose he'll let go of his anger, accept that he screwed up and take his consequences/make a fair settlement. 

I just feel completely clueless; not an area of expertise for me. Don't know what to possibly expect or anything that I can change about my side of interaction to get more cooperation going.


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