# Married to a Vet, married too young, my husband does not talk about his feelings



## betulanana (Jul 20, 2013)

Deleted.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR INPUT!


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

What do you mean by your husband not showing his feelings?

Do you mean he does not show you love, or do you mean that he does not communicate in general?


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## betulanana (Jul 20, 2013)

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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Do you feel disconnected? Do ask him to talk about his feelings and your relationship and he just clams up? If so check out _How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It _ by Patricia Love and Steven Stosny.


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## MrsDraper (May 27, 2013)

It is very common to feel disconnected right after having a baby.

Not to push my feelings on anyone else, but giving your first baby as much individual time as you can and not "stair stepping" your children can have some benefits. Some other people like to stack their childbearing and get it over with. But I have several friends with 3 children under the age of four and they are tired, their marriages suffer, and honestly, they tell me they regret it. They want more time to focus on each infant and to focus on the growth of each child. They can't do that when they stair step. 

Seriously consider pushing your baby making out to 18 months. It is a reasonable request, especially with your husband working 2 jobs. The time will fly by. If you were pregnant when that new baby begins to crawl and become super mobile, you would be so tired. Give yourself some time to adjust to just that aspect of your first child's growth. 

Also - take time to reconnect before having another baby. It sounds like you have a sweet husband - he just wants to stabilize. Good luck to you.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

Sounds like your Love Languages are different, you each show love to the other in a way that doesn't line up to how you think love should be shown.
I'm very demonstrative & very vocal, my husband is quieter, he shows his love by providing for us, by doing things for me, including bringing me coffee in bed & always kissing me good-bye when he leaves for work.
He shows his love in a quiet way, while I'm the one who wants to blast it from the mountain tops & for this reason it has taken me a few years to understand this.
Neither of us loves more than the other, we just love "show" our love in a different way.


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## betulanana (Jul 20, 2013)

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## betulanana (Jul 20, 2013)

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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

betulanana said:


> The other day we (me and my son) went to the nearest town and I actually had some people I did not even know throw ugly remarks at me because they thought that I was a teenage mother. I am not... not that I think it was fair to treat a teenager mother like this.


You will have to learn not to let what others think bother you. 

The next time it happens to you, smile at their ignorance and tell them your husband appreciates their concern.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

betulanana said:


> A friends husband had he name tattoed on his arm. To be honest that made me very jealous. My husband would never ever do this. No way.


Until you know what a man is like behind closed doors, do not be jealous that he wears the name of a woman on his body. A tattoo does not define his character. Mine has an extremely large, decorative arm tattoo of my name with additional background art representative of love. I would have been more appreciative to have a husband with a clean arm. One who is mentally healthy, has an understanding of respect, boundaries, love and commitment. He beds his wh0res and they know he belongs to someone else the minute he removes his shirt. They know my name and he never has to speak. What is there to be jealous?


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## betulanana (Jul 20, 2013)

SaltInWound said:


> Until you know what a man is like behind closed doors, do not be jealous that he wears the name of a woman on his body. A tattoo does not define his character. Mine has an extremely large, decorative arm tattoo of my name with additional background art representative of love. I would have been more appreciative to have a husband with a clean arm. One who is mentally healthy, has an understanding of respect, boundaries, love and commitment. He beds his wh0res and they know he belongs to someone else the minute he removes his shirt. They know my name and he never has to speak. What is there to be jealous?


So sorry to hear this.
And those women still do go on? Or are you talking about real pr0stitutes?


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## aesky (Jun 20, 2013)

I would never get a tattoo in the first place, so having my name on someone's arm or theirs on mine is just not something that I'd be happy about.

But as far as your husband - he doesn't sound like a bad guy. Phenix is brilliant - people have different love language. 

I'm usually very verbal but not about my relationship and that turned out to be a problem. When it came to the relationship, I was that silent type your husband is. I hate to feel vulnerable and demonstrating real tender feelings of love always struck me as exposing a weak point and making yourself vulnerable, and of course, one can be hurt that way. 

So I'm betting that he feels something like that. For you, please know that the fact that he doesn't show it does NOT mean he doesn't feel it.

Many guys are like that. Maybe he doesn't even think about it consciously but he's likely not being silent to be negative. He may just feel awkward. 

If you can recognize it for what it is, you may be able to accept it. And in intimate moments, like in bed before you go to sleep or on a lazy Sunday morning, you can talk to him about it and tell him that you love him but feel insecure and wish he'd show more affection. Pick a time when he's inclined to show affection though!

As for you, I'm sure he's happy to hear you going on about this and that. For him, I bet it's part of your charm. 

People aren't always what other people expect, want, or need. But if you get most of it, don't let the little stuff obsess you. I'm in a bad way right now for not paying attention in much the same way your husband is behaving. That's why I'm telling you to pick your moment for certain discussions. I know I wouldn't listen under some circumstances because I figured everything was OK. My wife tried to tell me a few times, but like first thing in the morning when I was on the way to work or something like that. If she would have picked a time when I was open to listen closely, I would have listened. But in those moments I guess she didn't want to upset the mood.

So what I'm saying is don't build things into a crisis right now, but don't let them gradually get there accidentally either. You two sound different but quite compatible at the moment. I hope it works out for you going forward.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

I would've thought if you married a TAM vet that things would be good.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

So you have not been married at least two years yet, you seem to have your hands full. I don't understand why you are in such a hurry to have another child. You are still in your honeymoon phase, enjoy it. Two kids under the age of two are very difficult to have, plus it means 2x the diapers. Not saying its impossible or that you are wrong it wanting another one now, im just saying it will be more work and stress. 

Plus I'm not sure you are giving your body time to recover from the first one. Make sure you are taking extra calcium.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

betulanana said:


> one day I woke in the middle of the night and he was not laying in our bed. He was in the bathroom and crying and when I asked him what was the matter he was like "Oh, nothing. Go back to bed. I'll be there in a minute". I never learned what was the matter.


The "Oh, nothing" response is a lie of course, and it is important to acknowledge that.

There is nothing more important than communication in a marriage. You don't know this guy. You only know the face he puts on. There isn't a legitimate reason for refusing to tell your wife what is going on in your heart and head. 

Not showing you that he loves you: this is such a trivially easy thing to do for a wife. You need to tell him, and he needs to do it. Be clear with him, whether it is getting flowers now and then or more hugs, date night -whatever it is.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

Do you know if your husband has been to see a therapist related to his military experience?
Does he still talk to any of his military brothers? 
My husband is in the Army, I've got some great resources that I can post for you that could be able to help you & your husband.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

OP,

You are living in a new area, have a new baby and your relatively New husband is working two jobs.

Given these factors it is not surprising that you are finding things a bit tuff.

Being ex military myself (and 8 years older than my wife) I know that I sometimes find it hard to share my feelings / memories / emotions with my wife (and we have been married nearly 20 years) and when I do it is only in general terms. I will never tell her ALL of what I did or saw that would not be fair on her.

Going forward I do think that going to church would be a good way to build a circle of friends in your new community, ask your husband if he would mind coming along the first couple of times and then just take the baby if your husband needs to sleep in (people will understand that if he is doing two jobs he needs some down time). I know that I found support (both on-line and in person) from veterans organizations and it might be that your husband can as well, do encourage but not pester him to look into this.

With patience and understanding on both sides you can make your marriage a success, It will not be easy all the time (nothing worthwhile ever is) but for as long as the good far outweighs the bad put a smile on your face, your best foot forward and enjoy your lives as individuals, as a couple, with your child(ren) as a family and as members of your community

Good luck and God Bless.


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## betulanana (Jul 20, 2013)

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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The best thing I can think of is try to get inside his mind, see how he sees the world. You can try to do that by small talk, short conversations so he doesn't have to get too involved. Like 'how old were you when your brother was born?' or 'did you ever play baseball as a kid?'...just keep talking. Not nonstop, just bring up little things like that, to grease the wheels. Once he gets to know you better, you'll become his safety net, the one person he feels safe talking to.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Definitely do start going to the church. It will refresh you so that when you go home, you can be a more upbeat, healthy wife.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

OP,

I feel that building a circle of friends and acquaintances within your community would be of great help to you all. Have a look around and see if there are any toddler groups or similar that you could take your son to. I know that with your husband working two jobs free time will be at a premium but it might do him some good if he had a health hobby (I know that sports helped me blow off steam that might otherwise have been detrimental to my marriage).

You have said that your husband does not show his feeling for you, some of us guys are like that, we do not wear our heart on our sleeve, we show our love by working hard to provide for our families, by keeping them safe, by being strong. It does not mean that we do not feel love just because we do not shout it from the roof tops does not make the feeling any weaker. 

Try and make an opportunity for you and your husband to get some “mum & dad time?” even if it is just to share a nice meal once the youngster is in bed.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Is there something you could be doing to earn money so he doesn't have to work so much? I have a friend who makes a living by going to garage sales, buys things, and then sells them on eBay for a profit. Here, we have a local bookoo account, where people buy and sell stuff locally (so no shipping involved). I used to make money by doing crafts and selling them locally. Nowadays you can set up your own website and sell and ship them. I also made money by _completing_ other people's craft projects - you know, all the millions of cross stitch and needlepoint kits people start but stuff away in their drawers? I even made a really good friend that way, when she hired me to finish something.
bookoo - yard sales and classifieds


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## betulanana (Jul 20, 2013)

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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

Betulanana,

Many of the things you say / traits you describe in your husband are familiar to me. They are things that I have done or still do.
I find it very hard to just lay in bed once I have woken up, I am more likely to go down stairs and start on whatever chores I can without waking the rest of the family up (empty the dishwasher, put the laundry out onto the line, lay the table ready for breakfast etc). I still polish all my leather shoes / boots and will do my wife / the kids whilst I am at it.

I have had to learn to make the time to talk to my wife about feelings and emotion (I find it hard to “talk” about and used to have to write myself a list of things to say, prioritized of course). I have always found it easier to “show” my affection / love by doing things for people rather than talking about it. I am not as bad as I used to be. There was a time when if things were bothering me I would get up empty the pantry, clean all the shelves and restock everything in date order, keeping busy with tasks that do not require too much thought was a method I used to put my mind at ease. I did like things kept in order, LP’s used to be filled alphabetically by artist, all my tools had to be cleaned and put back in the correct place after each use. 

To be honest I think I may have been a bit OCD (amongst other things) but through her patience and understanding my wife has helped me to relax about the little stuff and have a bit more fun.

I now know how frustrating it must have been for my wife in the early years of our marriage and I am thankful that I got and heard the wakeup call in time (we were drifting apart / taking each other for granted).

Please do try and encourage your husband to talk about / deal with the things that upset you but try not to “nag” or “pester” him too much. I found that I got good support from the RBL (UK equivalent of the VA) the chance to meet up / chat to other ex service personnel helped me adjust to civilian life and to deal with a few issues from my time in the service that I was / am still carrying around.

I hope that my ramblings are of at least some help to you both.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

betulanana said:


> This happens so often. Why does he do this?


He fears - desperately - intimacy. So every time it looks like things have quieted down and there may be an opening for you two to speak 'privately' about 'things,' he freaks out and rushes to find a reason NOT to be in that situation.

Personally, I'd be telling him if he won't go to MC with you, you'll consider leaving. 

Many men are afraid of 'the talk' so I'd quit saying 'we need to talk' - that's the death knell for many men, strikes fear in their heart. Instead, just START talking. Don't make it about what he's doing wrong, or what you need. Instead, ask him what HE likes, what HE remembers fondly, what HE misses, etc. Make the talks, for now, about how he is doing. If he starts to see it won't be a grilling, he may start fearing it less and open up more.


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## betulanana (Jul 20, 2013)

Wiltshireman said:


> I hope that my ramblings are of at least some help to you both.


Yes, Sir. What you say is a great help.

Might I ask you a question? You said you had the habit of cleaning all your tools and put them back in their place. Do you know why you did do this?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I remember my dad telling me that they learned to do this cleaning in the military. That it's not only necessary, but it's part of their training, to instill a sense of dedication, duty, and thoroughness. He wasn't in the military all that long, but he always still shined his shoes on a regular basis. And was very particular about it, and took pride in it.


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## betulanana (Jul 20, 2013)

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## betulanana (Jul 20, 2013)

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## betulanana (Jul 20, 2013)

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## betulanana (Jul 20, 2013)

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## betulanana (Jul 20, 2013)

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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You need your sleep but you don't work? He works two jobs but he's willing to give up sleep to stay in shape? I think that's a selfish act on your part.

As for him getting up at night, it's obviously something he needs to do, for whatever reason. Maybe some day you can get at that and figure it out. For now, just understand and be loving, LET him do what he needs to do. IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU, OK? Accept that it's not about you. Let him get up and do his ritual and love him by staying in bed and going to sleep and letting him do what he needs to do. He will love you more for it and will likely find even more ways to show you he loves you, in his own way. Eventually, he may find he doesn't need to do it any more. Or you may get him into counseling with you to figure it out. Just stop taking it personally, and stop creating an issue out of it, which is just hurting your marriage.


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## betulanana (Jul 20, 2013)

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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Up in the right side it says Member Area; you should be able to link to them there.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

betulanana said:


> I am a mother. Our baby wakes us up several times a night. That's why I say I'd prefer him not to go jogging.


BTDT. I understand.

However, I'm trying to get you to see your marriage from HIS side. If you don't do that, he will end up getting dissatisfied, or worse. You can take naps throughout the day. He works two jobs. HIS time is at a premium, presently. Yours is not. For you to say you don't want him to do something that's important to him because it doesn't help YOU...well, it's not helping your marriage. 

He seems like a devoted husband. He works hard so you can stay home and not have to work. You seem to have a hard time being grateful for this. Besides sex, a man's #1 need is usually to be admired. If you go long enough without admiring him and expecting him to cater to YOU, he's going to decide he's not getting anything out of this marriage. In contrast, the more you do FOR him, the more he'll want to do for YOU, as well.

I would also warn you against doing something so many women do when a kid comes along - replacing their affection for their husband with affection for the kid. Make sure his life is still full, too, ok?


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## betulanana (Jul 20, 2013)

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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

My wife thought she wanted me to talk about my feelings, too. Until I started to.


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## betulanana (Jul 20, 2013)

GTdad said:


> My wife thought she wanted me to talk about my feelings, too. Until I started to.


Hello Gtdad,

why did this happen?


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

OP,

Sorry not to have got back to you sooner but as you now know I was on vacation and we all agreed to leave all internet capable devices at home.

This just allowed us to concentrate on being a family.

Still back to you and your husband.

I would advise that when he is in one of his "get jobs done" moods you just leave him to get on with it on his own. By all means let him know that you can / would like to help if he needs help (sometimes an extra pair of hands makes all the difference) but it could just be that he wants some time to think / work things through. I cannot speak for your husband but I also prefer “doing things" to show my feelings rather than "say things". I am lucky as my wife has come to understand that about me. She enjoys the fact that I like to hold hands / kiss her in public even if I do find it hard to say "love you" as often as she does / would like.

I do think that the cleaning / ordering of objects is drilled into military people and there is good reason for it. In an emergency you need to know where everything is and that it is ready for use, lives could depend on it.

This does translate into civilian life. Knowing that there is a torch (with fully charged batteries) right next to the fuse box / breaker board is great when a circuit blows. Keeping pen / paper on the side by the phone makes taking messages / numbers easy, never letting the tank on the car get below half and a full 20 liter can in the garage means that you will have some if there is a strike / disruption to supply. The cleaning and maintenance of stuff means that it will work better and last longer.

From the effort you say your husband puts into doing things for you it sounds like he is "a keeper" even if he does have a few rough edges (but then again if we are honest with ourselves we all have a few traits that others could find annoying).

My prayers and good wishes to you and your family.


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## betulanana (Jul 20, 2013)

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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I will add this, hope it helps. Part of growing up into a mature, healthy marriage is realizing that it's not supposed to be all passion, all flowers and dates and romance. A marriage is a lifelong commitment to share ALL kinds of days together because real love is a strong enough bond to not need to be constantly stroked. It's contentment. It's pride in your partner. It's interest in and concern for that other person, whatever his/her needs and wants and likes are. It's being together, but also being just fine doing your own things, too; you should both have your own friends and hobbies that are yours alone and you spend time on them apart from your marriage. It seems like maybe he gets that more than you do. Which is understandable, given that women are raised to be all gaga about romance and weddings and babies and nesting, while men just look for a partner. I think we women often have unrealistic expectations of what a marriage will be. What it will be is lots of down time, where you're just comfortable with each other and accept each other's foibles along with the things you enjoy. As long as you continue to seek time together - and he willingly GIVES you time together, you can make it a happy marriage.


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

So much of what you, the OP, have said and what Wiltshire said, strikes a chord with me. I'm early forties with a mid-20's wife. Army vet. OCD-like traits. I can piss my wife off in less time than it takes a flea to fart because of my silence alone.

I see a couple things. They may have been partly addressed. I read most but admittedly skimmed a little because of time.

1.) You went through a lot of change in a short time. Something to look at and consider.

2.) Cabin fever is real and you seem to have it.

3.) I developed a dependency on routine when I was in the service. Much of the things I did became very routine. So much so that I do things without actively/consciously interacting at times. Not sure if that came out right but...

4.) Something else I picked up in the military is a habit of becoming tight-lipped instead of speaking up, out or back. Someone always out-ranks you and is always available to hand you your butt when you disagree with them. So when I disagreed it was second nature to simply agree with great disdain and a smile. Doesn't help fix anything for you but maybe a cause to understand and work on. Bet he doesn't realize he's doing it. 

5.) I have a full back tattoo. Both arms from the elbow up. Full chest. I have my daughter's(first marriage) name tattooed on my chest. The only name I have in all that ink. I've been around ink for years and it's always been known to be bad luck to tattoo your SO's name on you. It's like you're begging to pay for a cover-up later. When I apprenticed, I can't tell you how many appointments we made to fix those. More than to put them on though, I'd bet.

6.) Age - Oh I know this one well. My wife get self-conscious sometimes about the way people look at us at times. I'm an odd duck though and will play right into that crap and give them a show. If they're uncomfortable at the thought then I'll see how much I can play on that crap. But an age difference can be a nuance (17 years for me) that adds to any other common issue you have. Sometimes you have to be aware of it and consider if the difference in generations is lending to a different view. Other times you have to look at it and say "this isn't part of it".


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## betulanana (Jul 20, 2013)

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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

betulanana said:


> BTW I did not understand
> 
> 
> > I do things without actively/consciously interacting at times. Not sure if that came out right but...
> ...


What I meant there was that some of the routine things I do have actually become so much a part of routine that I don't even realize I'm doing them. The smile and disagree response for example. Over time I've become a lot more aware of it. But it gets pointed out to me at times and I just don't even catch I'm doing it.


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## betulanana (Jul 20, 2013)

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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The book The Dance Of Anger discusses that. It teaches you how to say no to people you care about without them getting upset at you.


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## betulanana (Jul 20, 2013)

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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

See, the anger it talks about is YOUR anger - at YOURSELF. For NOT saying no.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

Doing favors for other people seems to take up a great deal of my free time.

Having had the no nonsense "can do" attitude drummed into me all my life (my father is ex army and then I went navy), if friends, family or neighbors ask for help my default setting is "will do". Sometimes I will hear myself agreeing to do a job for someone before I have really taken in what the job is. Being a bit of a dab hand with tools means that I ask to fit / fix things on a regular basis and having a 4 by 4 with a big trailer make me first choice if something big / heavy needs moving. 

We are lucky that most of the people who ask for favors are happy to do them as well so in the end it works out better for us all.


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## betulanana (Jul 20, 2013)

My husband is from a military family too. He did not grow up with them but spend most of his time attending a boarding institution. Still I do think that it had some impact on him.

He sometimes runs himself ragged at work doing his work-mates all kinds of favours.

My family (my ancestors) had a history of being professional soldiers but that was discontinued. Reading this thread I sometimes wondered how I would have ended up if that had not been the case.

What is growing up in a family like this like? Did your father teach you any other stuff that only a person from a military family is taught?


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

betulanana said:


> My husband is from a military family too. He did not grow up with them but spend most of his time attending a boarding institution. Still I do think that it had some impact on him.
> 
> He sometimes runs himself ragged at work doing his work-mates all kinds of favours.
> 
> ...



It does seem to be they way around the world, military service seems to run in some families but in others the call only comes along with a draft notice. No disrespect to those who have been drafted most of the guys my father served with in Korea or my grandfather served with in the second war were drafted (conscripted in the UK).

We did my paternal family line back to the 1700's and every generation had served. I had always thought I was the first to have served in the Royal Navy but it turned out that I had an ancestor (and name sake) that fought at Trafalgar.

I do not think my father taught me stuff that ONLY military families get taught. Lots of families are taught things like.

Above all a sense of DUTY.

The value of Service (be it military, emergency services, medical, ministry).

The importance of Discipline.

That your Word must be your Bond.



One of my father’s favorite quotes goes something like:

“Defend the week, the young and the old, never desert your family or friends, be fare to all, be fearless in battle and always ready to defend what is right."


I do aim to live up to the values I was taught (and am passing on to my children). I might not always get it right and sometimes I may have been found wanting but not through lack of effort.

N.B. Thankfully I never went to boarding School. I got cained enough as it was.


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## betulanana (Jul 20, 2013)

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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The book His Needs Her Needs talks about this part - how we each have different needs (and Love Busters). You're recognizing that one of his needs is to see you embracing discipline and taking care of your stuff. That's huge! Good job.


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