# no sex..only porn......



## jasper81 (Aug 19, 2012)

Hello
I am new to the forum,i found you guys while searching the web about my problem.

I am in a relationship for 5 years and we have a 3 and half year old son together.Problem is Sex....It always has been sex,exept the first 3 months we where dating,thing then where heavenly!Then we slowed down and after 1 year of been otgether i got pregnant...TErible time for me then,,,anyway while pregnant and then after giving birth we had sex once a month,.Then maybe once evey 2 months.We even did 1 time in 4 months

THING IS though that i belive he has a porn addiction.He ALWAYS sees porn.What worries me is that he sees it even if i go quick to the bakers for 10 minutes....if i take my boy to the park...ifi go see my girlfriends ...on every chance he getss.And its like 10 minutes in total.He googles free sex video and then he just looks put anthing he seems to like on and its over in 10 minutes .I know this cause i have put spy progrma on the pc cause i am worried that he had met someone thats why he didint want sex,but he hasnt met anybody,Just porn.\

I dont do the first step to have sex with him anymore and he never does either.I though men go after sex like crazy....but not 4 him.I am so mad and feel ugly sometimes,it has affected us so much.We dont speak nearlly any,ore NO affection between us ,nothing its like livibbnbg wibth my brother.

i feel caught up in this circyle i dont know what to do.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

It sounds as if he turned to porn as your sex life deteriorated.
Now you say you don't even initiate and he's probably conditioned not to after years of rejection.

If you want your sex life back you're going to have to go get it.

Start initiating sex & affection, at this point the porn isn't your problem.
The lack of sex is your problem, fix that and the porn will most likely fix itself.

**** your husband well & often.


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## jasper81 (Aug 19, 2012)

thank you so much for your answer.

i found out that he has this habbit from BEFORE meeting me.HE even used to sign in theese date sites and chat with girls.Seems like he stoped that but kept the porn.
I was always really shy about initiating sex with him,he used to start it and i never said no,its just that i feel shy to.Also now after knowing about his habbit i just feel roten to make the first move,i feel like he will be doing me a favour.
I have spoken about us not having sex and he said once i never initiate it,then another time was that he is really tired, another time was soemthing else and finally a few days ago the reason he says is the lack of time with our 3 year old...thats not true cause on the nights our little one sleeps early (like tonight)he sits on his computer and plays games........then falls asleep....


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## jasper81 (Aug 19, 2012)

i must mention that i am 31 and he is 44.I just feel so not wanted.HOw can he want sex with me if he sees porn every day???


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

He may have a problem with porn but it's hard to say.

I still believe for now you should focus on initiating sex with him and ignore the porn at least long enough to see if an increased sex life has any effect on him.

Try it for a couple of weeks and see what happens.

If he is rejecting your advances in favor of porn then you have a serious problem.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

What was his relationship history like before you? And have you commented to him about his use of porn rather than having sex with you, and how it makes you feel?

My opinion... You need to stop being shy about uncomfortable subjects. Until the consequences of his actions outweigh his enjoyment of those actions, he won't change. That may mean stepping outside your comfort zone.

C


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## brendan (Jun 1, 2011)

only speaking from experience, my wife totally went cold on sex for two years. i tried and tired, then i got tired of trying and myself just settled for porn everynow and then. then i got rid of her


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## Adex (Aug 1, 2012)

He's addicted to porn. You need to confront him about it and tell him you need sex.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

tacoma said:


> He may have a problem with porn but it's hard to say.
> 
> I still believe for now you should focus on initiating sex with him and ignore the porn at least long enough to see if an increased sex life has any effect on him.
> 
> ...


If she does do this chances are she will just get blown off. But i would have to agree. Try doing this and see what happens.

If you do get blown off each and every-time you have a much bigger problem.


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## AnnLindel (Aug 20, 2012)

It sounds as if he turned to porn as your sex life deteriorated


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

I can so relate jasper81~

My husband used to do this crap all the time. seconds after i left the house.. It was an on going thing for the last 3 years, before then it was every now and then. I didn't have much of a problem with porn then. I didn't like it, but i was like whatever. No big deal.

We were having sex maybe 6 times a year! I would come on to him he would blow me off after months of nothing. Being blown off every now and again is one thing, but every single time.

March of this year i had enough. I left. I packed my sons and my crap and walked out the door. I refused to live in misery for the rest of my life. 

I have been back home for almost 2 months. So far so good.

You need to talk to him about it!! sooner rather then later. Granted talking doesn't do much good (at least it didn't in my case) 

I have a very high drive. wake me up in the middle of the night, anywhere any time, kind of woman.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Adex said:


> He's addicted to porn. You need to confront him about it and tell him you need sex.


:iagree:








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jasper81 (Aug 19, 2012)

Before me he had a bad marriage and n between some relationships i know of but i found these sites years ago that he wasa member for a long time on (so guessing while in these little relationships) they where sites with pics and he commented on the pics with dirty languages like "lookat your p&^y i want to f&* it.." Then i confroted him about it years ago and he said it was a habbit.then i got pregnant and sex was 1 time a month.He said he didnt want to cause of me pregnant it felt strange.Ok....but after having our son still things didnt pick up.
Because of not having sex i felt bad about myself i even went on a diet lost 20 kilos and look real good now but still....He just dosnt come over and make the move.The last time we ad sex was 2 months ago i think and when he made a move i said no,i made up my mind its no sex at all than 1 every blue moon an he said to stop acting silly and saying silly things.That he wants me and thinks of me and masturbates thinking of me....but he is tired or cause or son sleeps late he saidwe cant find the time...bull....i dont belie it cause many times we had TIME but he didnt make anymoves....I try to make myself make the first move but i cant...i really cant..i must dwell over it , think of it for days and then MAYBE ill be able to get the guts to do it....
sorry about spelling i am from a country that doesnt speak english


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

Like many married men or men in long term relationships, it sounds like he has come to prefer porn to partner sex.

I would take advice that you initiate and come onto him, wear sexy clothes, do the scented candle thing etc with a grain of salt.

Many men who prefer porn and masturbation have difficulty functioning sexually with a partner. Indeed, often that is the reason they turned to porn in the first place.

A woman who starts trying to sexually entice such a man will have the opposite effect on him. He will see this as sexual pressure which will increase both his guilt and his stress levels and make the idea of sex even more unappetizing.

Remember for most men a preference for porn and porn itself is just a symptom of something else. Could be anything from interpersonal difficulties in the marriage, lack of attraction, erectile or other sexual dysfunctions to a discomfort with intimacy. Also, some people need the intense sexual arousal porn gives, and/or the sexual excitement of a relationship when it is new to be able to function sexually. It is difficult for them in an ongoing relationship to experience enough sexual desire to perform adequately.

If you can have him see a therapist. Better a psychologist or a psychiatrist rather the a Couple's or Sex therapist. DO NOT go with him. This therapy should be one on one only. If they can discover the root of the discomfort with partner sex and the preference for porn then there is a chance your marriage may be put back on track sexually.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Mr B said:


> Like many married men or men in long term relationships, it sounds like he has come to prefer porn to partner sex.
> 
> I would take advice that you initiate and come onto him, wear sexy clothes, do the scented candle thing etc with a grain of salt.
> 
> ...


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

jasper81 said:


> Before me he had a bad marriage and n between some relationships i know of but i found these sites years ago that he wasa member for a long time on (so guessing while in these little relationships) they where sites with pics and he commented on the pics with dirty languages like "lookat your p&^y i want to f&* it.." Then i confroted him about it years ago and he said it was a habbit.then i got pregnant and sex was 1 time a month.He said he didnt want to cause of me pregnant it felt strange.Ok....but after having our son still things didnt pick up.
> Because of not having sex i felt bad about myself i even went on a diet lost 20 kilos and look real good now but still....He just dosnt come over and make the move.The last time we ad sex was 2 months ago i think and when he made a move i said no,i made up my mind its no sex at all than 1 every blue moon an he said to stop acting silly and saying silly things.That he wants me and thinks of me and masturbates thinking of me....but he is tired or cause or son sleeps late he saidwe cant find the time...bull....i dont belie it cause many times we had TIME but he didnt make anymoves....I try to make myself make the first move but i cant...i really cant..i must dwell over it , think of it for days and then MAYBE ill be able to get the guts to do it....
> sorry about spelling i am from a country that doesnt speak english


 From personal experiance, If you let this continue it will. 

I also felt really bad about myself. I felt like a piece of trash that he just threw in the garbage. All he wanted from me was a cook and housekeeper and a babysitter for our son and only a warm body when HE WANTED IT, when he got tired of the porn.
He didn't care about how i felt or that our marriage was falling apart. He rug swept all of it. He was very hostile. 

It wasn't until the last fight we had about porn, that i really realized it was a big problem. Just by the way he acted. He actually accused me of sleeping with the neighbor. He blame shifted and put it all on me. I got tired of fighting. I got tired of not having a sex life with the man i married. I got tired of feeling like total **** about my self every day. I got tired of him not addressing the issues. I didn't even want to get out of bed in the morning. I wanted to crawl under a rock and just die. 

2 days after that fight. I packed my crap and I left, while he was at work. (i am not saying that you should) I felt relief that I was no longer in that situation and i intended to raise my son and work my butt off. 

Porn isn't a really big issue, but if they are choosing that over their partner then it is. Now that my husband and I are back together it will never be allowed in this house again, because of what happened. EVER


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

ladybird said:


> Many men who prefer porn and masturbation have difficulty functioning sexually with a partner. Indeed, often that is the reason they turned to porn in the first place.
> 
> 
> Porn will also cause sexual issues- like ED. most times they can't get it up with a real woman.


We are both correct. Heavy porn and masturbation will condition a man not to be able to respond to the less sexually stimulating and less physically intense aspect of partner sex especially in a long term relationship.

But as I said the reverse if often true. Men can quite easily masturbate to orgasm even if they have trouble getting an erection. So those who suffer from erectile or ejaculation difficulties will often come to experience attempts at partner sex as stressful and unpleasant and will in turn prefer to bet on a "sure thing" and masturbate alone.

But even in the former example there is always an underlying reason men turn to porn and the porn use itself is always a symptom of some other problem, and the list is very long.


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## lisa1975 (Jun 8, 2012)

When a man chooses porn over sex (and not just sometimes but all the time), that is defintely porn addiction. He has to get help ot at least admit he has a problem, cause this probably won't go away on its own.
I'm sorry you have yo go through this, but you should know that it has nothing to do with you and how much he finds you attractive. It's an addiction.


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