# Divorcing Overly Sensitive/Emtional Spouse



## ShameLessLover (Nov 5, 2013)

We are 39 and 37 with 5 yrs. old DD. I moved to the US for grad studies in 2003 and got married in 2011. My W moved here after the marriage. I have been in a marriage where I am unable to maintain the connection/communication with my family/friends. She never allowed to take my DD to meet my family in my home country. Every time I asked it brought a storm. She would have a million reasons why not. I argued, requested, fought to take my DD. I have two old posts.
https://talkaboutmarriage.com/considering-divorce-separation/418033-confused-needs-clarity.html
https://talkaboutmarriage.com/consi...-my-wifes-split-personality-vs-my-family.html

At last, I served her divorce paper a week back. It took me 5 years to do that. Surprisingly I have not yet seen her angry since she is served. Emotional turmoil – yes! She has cried many times and has offered things like I can take my DD to meet my parents. But I do not trust her words. * I am afraid if I go back – it will be same all over again.*

She had to move to the other state (other side of the country) 2 days after divorce petition was served.
She was planning to take DD with her. One of common friends was trying to mediate between us. She agreed to leave DD with me while she goes away. She asked 2 months extension to respond to divorce petition (in our state, the spouse has to respond within 30 days from the date of serve). I agreed with 30 more days. I understand the fact that too many change is taking place in her life (leaving DD, starting first real job, moving to the other state).

She still strongly believes that I would not go ahead with divorce. She cries for hours. She send me tons of messages which I mostly ignore. Affecting my daughter the least - is my main focus right-now. This comes in the way of totally disconnecting w my W.

I do not want to go back out of guilt. *She constantly says – I LOVE YOU. But her love is suffocating!*
I do not want to get weak and go back. How do you deal with it? Do you end up going back just because – “She cannot live without him” is louder than “he does not love her”.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

You deal with it by not listening to her. It's easier said than done and your fresh into this so it's even harder. You can't allow her coerce you with the crying and constant texts. She been controlling and manipulatIve and will continue to do so. Limit the conversations to child related issues, if she starts deviating to other topics end the conversation.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

For the marriage to continue she needs to agree to several conditions: 1) she will get at least 1 year of therapy for her control issues (you will accompany her to the first sessions to make sure she doesn't lie to the therapist), 2) she will have a legal document drawn up that explicitly grants you permission to take DD to visit any place you'd like to visit for 2 weeks at a time, 3) whatever else you can think of


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

ShameLessLover said:


> At last, I served her divorce paper a week back. It took me 5 years to do that. Surprisingly I have not yet seen her angry since she is served. Emotional turmoil – yes! She has cried many times and has offered things like I can take my DD to meet my parents. But I do not trust her words. * I am afraid if I go back – it will be same all over again.*
> 
> This is 100% spot on correct. So don't.
> 
> ...


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## ShameLessLover (Nov 5, 2013)

Update:

2 weeks since serve. I have maintained the distance. Too many sorry and too much tears. She is in the other state – so that helps. I have been busy working and taking care of the kindergartner. 

First time in over 5 years she called my parents and apologized. And in her mind she thinks why I am still stonehearted.

She will probably come over for the long weekend. If she takes the flight, it will reach tomorrow mid night. I will have to go pick her up and then I really do not want to stay in the same house but it would be like 1-2 AM. I am very uncomfortable if i have to stay with her for the night. She will come to me – and I would not like that. And then the other day she will behave like we are the best couple in the whole freaking world. That gives me very bad feeling.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

ShameLessLover said:


> Update:
> 
> 2 weeks since serve. I have maintained the distance. Too many sorry and too much tears. She is in the other state – so that helps. I have been busy working and taking care of the kindergartner.
> 
> ...


Tell her to take cab, why pick her up? Your only inviting drama and getting sucked in if you go pick her up.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

ShameLessLover said:


> Update:
> 
> 2 weeks since serve. I have maintained the distance. Too many sorry and too much tears. She is in the other state – so that helps. I have been busy working and taking care of the kindergartner.
> 
> ...


Check her into a hotel if you feel uncomfortable.

I remember your other threads. Your wife moved from Asia to US. She had no respect for your family. You had your mum living there when she was in confinement, which was a nasty period, etc.

I think your wife has found it difficult to adapt to the US way of living, she may have suffered with post natal depression. Further, I suspect you are a bit of a mama's boy and you allow your family to interfere in your family life (this is common in Asian families. It takes a strong woman to put up with all that ****). Your wife was a princess in her family with her Dad etc, no longer being top of the pecking order (you put your Mother there) caused alot of her insecurity and resentment.

I think you are probably doing the right thing in divorcing, letting her go, for her sanity's sake. However, you need to change how you treat your future woman, your wife should always be number one not your mother or your Asian family. Don't place the woman in your life on a back burner and expect her to suck it up and fall over herself pleasing your family. 
You appear to want both the benefits of an American lifestyle but the traditions of your Asian culture, that never ends well. Balancing both is very difficult and it is something that should have been discussed with your wife.

I hope it all works out for you both and I hope your DD is not badly affected by all of this.


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## ShameLessLover (Nov 5, 2013)

aine said:


> Check her into a hotel if you feel uncomfortable.
> 
> I remember your other threads. Your wife moved from Asia to US. She had no respect for your family. You had your mum living there when she was in confinement, which was a nasty period, etc.
> 
> ...


Thanks Aine for the message. Let me clarify a few things.

1. The first post on original thread may sound like my parents has to do everything with this. But that’s not the case. After DD was born, I made sure none of my family members come in between me and my W (more than 5 years – no contact). The only demand I had though- to let me take my DD to see my family. Plus, I want no chaos when I want to visit them (yes without her). I had/have no restriction on her whenever/wherever she wants my DD to take to – I never would.

If I could just take my DD for trips – I would have not served the paper. I can sulk everything else. Have I asked for this – Yes, million times! At the best, I will always be ignored if not belittled. Let me explain – consider a mom is out with her 5 yr old son in a mall. The son sees a toy and asked mommy to buy it. Mommy says – you have too many toys in home, you do not need it. Replace, mom with “my wife”, me with “her son”, toy = “me wanting to take my DD for a trip to see the family”. For her, it’s just a silly demand from my part. I hate myself for asking her about these things.

2. Everything aside, living w my W is like living with a constant chaos. She can create a chaos over little thing. I have to step in ALWAYS – to a dad like role. I have definitely become an irritable man. That constant chaos, constant blaming me for any little thing – could be reason enough to be separated for many people. 

3. _“I think you are probably doing the right thing in divorcing, letting her go, for her sanity's sake.”_

I wish, it were true! I wish I could explain!

4 _“You appear to want both the benefits of an American lifestyle but the traditions of your Asian culture that never ends well.”_

I am an American in America and an Asian in south Asia. There is nothing wrong with that. I think I am among the most reasonable guy you would meet. I just want my self-respect back. I never put no restriction on others, and I want no restriction on myself. Of course, I am talking everything here with in limit.


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