# My story and weaning off TAM



## CH (May 18, 2010)

Well, I 1st came to this site to see the hurt and pain that I had inflicted on my wife so many years ago (15 years ago) when I had my affair. And we still hadn't fully healed from it because we rug swept some of it, not everything but some issues were never dealt with. But TAM has helped me alot with these issues. The most pressing was always being afraid that my wife would one day just leave and call it quits.

It's time to wean myself off of TAM because I've become moody and sad and even a little self deprecating in the process seeing all these sad stories. And truth be told, very angry with alot of BS's for being just too nice in trying to win their spouses back, but I've always held my tongue most of the time.

Hopefully this will help others on the board to see inside the mind of a cheater and a potential serial cheater.

Met the wife in college way back when we still had to walk across the street to get somewhere. I ditched classes all the time and she was sick so we got thrown into a group project together with another friend of mine that liked ditching class with me.

Asked her out and the rest is history, btw when I asked her out she was still in a relationship that was just ending, even helped her move out of the other guys place into our own place. While I on the other hand was trying to sleep with anything that walked on 2 feet, breathed and had breasts and didn't have a package downstairs.

Fast forward to a year later she graduates and I still have a year left (we're the same age but she's alot smarter and skipped a grade in high school) so we decided to be friends and she would go back home to the east coast until I graduated and then we can decide if we still wanted to be together. I did miss her alot but yes I did sleep with other girls in my last year..Comon, senior year in college and practically single. And we also discussed that whatever happened during that time apart was never to be discussed or brought up. So who knows what she might have been doing but knowing my wife, probably nothing.

I graduate and we decide to pick up where we left off, she never knew of the 5 or 6 (not too sure because a couple of those I was dead drunk) girls during my senior year but we already had an arrangement and I thought I had my fun in college and this is it and it's time to settle. Propose at my graduation party, she says yes and we're happy.

Engagement takes a couple of years (3 years) and we finally push for a date with pressure from both our parents. Wedding plans are made and blah, blah, blah. Start working later (family business) and she's busy with preparing all the wedding stuff with my input.

So a cousin (the toxic person) decides to take me out for a little bachelor party, my money his fun places. It's ok, we go and drink, have fun and I'm only there for the drinks. Well, we meet 2 girls and they are regulars there, get to talking just for fun, didn't make much of it at the beginning and the OW thought I was gay because my cousin had told her I was so she was hitting me big time trying to turn me straight. OW never knew I was married either until the very end.

As we meet more and more at this bar (at least 2-3 times a week), things get friendlier but I still thought of it only as having a little fun and getting my ego stroked by this woman. Wife is too busy with the wedding to really notice and I used the work excuse to hit the bar so she (soon to be wife) didn't suspect anything at this point.

As the friendly chats continue I start to get fascinated with this OW. She was exactly like me and we had alot of things in common while my wife is the total opposite of me. Had to do a Vegas trip for work so of course you know what happens we take the 2 girls with us, toxic cousin invited them along and I just kept my mouth shut and went along with it. Nothing happened on this trip, 2 separate rooms although it could have. I think my cousin c-blocked me because he knew I could have gotten some and he wasn't getting any but whatever.

So it was just a trip for work and some play but no hanky panky on anyone's part.

BTW those cheaters who say they can't remember specifics, I always call Bull S*** because I can remember almost everything from my 3 month affair down to the letter if I wanted to recall it. Not exact dates but events, so they're full of "S" if they say they can't remember. And alot of those times I was pretty buzzed or drunk.

Also notice how in this part there is almost nothing about my wife, because at this point there really wasn't anything about the soon to be wife, it was all about the OW from this point on and I didn't even realize it until it was too late.

Will continue it with a new post since this one is getting too long.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Also, I was the nice guy through most of high school. The ones the girls could talk to and tell everything but never go out with. After getting burned twice there wasn't much of Mr. Nice guy left and I became the quiet guy who girls thought was stuck up because I didn't talk to them. And I got more feedback from the girls once this happened, WTF.

Trip over, nothing happened and I thought that was that. Had my fun and it's time to get back with real life and the soon to be wife. Stop going to the bar, stop hanging out with the toxic cousin after work, etc..

A week later to wind down I finally cave to the cousin's pleading to go out and have fun (in other words he needs me to pay). And guess who's there. Idle chit chat, asks why I haven't been around, blah, blah talk. Get real drunk this time, in love with everyone at the bar, with her, her friend, crying my eyes out like a little girl in the parking lot after closing time.

Had to pee, her friends offers to unzip and she offered to hold the little friend down below since I could barely stand. I refuse and work my magic alone. BTW, I have no recollection of that entire night, this is what is related to me by my cousin and some friends who had gone out with us that night. I just remember bits and pieces. End up at my office, they dropped us off there and she proceeds to tell me she really likes me and would like to take it to the next step. But she warns me ahead of time that she knows I'm a good guy and it would probably be in my best interest to not be with her (should have taken her advice).

And that's when things start to heat up. I get the key to her apartment, she gets my cell phone number and things really heat up. I start spending time at her place and you could basically call us a couple at this point. We still do the bar scene and are in the honeymoon phase. All the while my wife is just too busy with planning the wedding to really notice but I think she's starting to suspect because I'm really pulling away from her emotionally at this point but still attentive as much as I can so I don't throw up too many red flags.

4 weeks after meeting her I end up again at her place but this time during the night. Was supposed to work but cousin covered for me. Took her out on a date, movies, dinner, blah, blah. Get back it's late and I've had a little too much to drink to drive home safely so she invites me to stay. Fine I'll sleep on the floor until morning. Get ready for bed and she invites me to her bed. My heart's racing and I"m thinking am I really gonna do this, can I really go through with this. All that doubt vanished instantly when she undressed and I'm pretty sure you know what happened.

From that point on it was a non-stop *bleep* fest. We did it so much that even her 2 dogs started going at it.

At this point the wife finally realizes somethings up and asks me if something was going on. Her grandma has just died and I wasn't even there for her because I was busy chasing the OW. I lied like a champ (and my wife knows when I lie also) and she brushed it off hoping that nothing is going on even though her gut is kicking and screaming at her.

2 weeks later my wife checks our cell phone bill (she paid the bills) and there's a single number on my phone that I'm calling all the time. Calls the number up and asks the OW who this is and tells her that she is my soon to be wife and why is she talking to my husband. OW calls me up and I make another academy award performance in saying that my soon to be wife is just a crazy ex-gf that my family wanted me to get together wife and is stalking me. OW bought it hook line and sinker.

Then I get with the wife and give my 3rd award winning performance and smooth things over with her. Crisis averted and i don't use the cell to call OW anymore. Get a pager (yes a pager) and tell the OW I lost my cell phone and to call me on the pager instead and I'll get back to her and she buys that also.

Too long again, gonna start another post.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Things go smoothly for the next week, I'm sleeping with the OW (sans protection) and sleeping with the wife. I know, just plain sick so don't beat me over the head with it.

I plan another trip out of town for work and this time we goto TJ. All night partying and like they say for Vegas, what happens in TJ, stays in TJ. If I told the story of what happened I would get stoned.

Plan a 3rd trip out of town and this time to her home town. Meet the OW's mom and sister, gave my blah, blah speech and they're in love with me thinking I'm such a catch for their daughter. If they only knew, well they probably knew at the end.

Wedding day approaches, gave my 4th award winning performance to the OW saying I'll be out of town on the east coast for the next week so I won't be able to keep in touch. Get married, wife knows at this point I'm probably cheating but keeps it inside hoping I'm not.

About a week after the wedding I throw out the it's not you it's me speech to my wife and want to break things off. She finally realizes there is another woman and I tell here there is. Just didn't tell her how long it's been going on. Asks me if I'm sleeping with her and I just stare at her like a deer caught in the headlights. Never answered her.

Wife begs and pleads, wants to kill herself if I leave but i won't budge. I want the OW and nothing's gonna stop me. The entire family knows about it since the wife told my parents. I get the entire family and friends on my case, screw you guys and I disappear for a week. During this week I really go from low to lower and slept with another 3 girls all the while drinking myself to death if I could.

My life is out of control, I'm losing everything and have no idea what I'm doing anymore. But i still want the OW. I show up at her place and stay there for a couple of days and yes slept with her again, after having slept with the other 3 girls the week before.

My wife is blowing up my phone, leaving hundreds of messages for me to come home to work it out, I ignore her because I know if all else fails I can still fall back on her. After a couple of days with the OW I finally head home to talk to the parents and my wife.

Well, at this point my wife had found out that this girl frequents the bar I used to goto, so the day I go home my wife had showed up at the bar with our wedding pictures to show the OW the pictures and prove to the OW that I was the liar and we were actually married.

OW calls me up never to contact her again and told me where I could go. I blow a gasket and yelled at my wife like I've never done before and saying things that I will never ever repeat again. Head to the OW, tried to smooth things out, semi-worked it out and headed home to smooth things out with the wife and family.

Wife has had enough at this point, tells me to go and never come back. At this point I'm towards the end of everything and have basically given up on life and didn't really care one way or the other. My life was so screwed up that even i couldn't even stand to look at me anymore. At who I had become and what I had become.

OW said she would take me in but I had to cut things off with the wife. Went to my spot to think my life over and had to finally look at my life and weigh my options of what I was doing and what the consequences were gonna be.

I must have sat out on that ledge (don't worry wasn't gonna throw myself off, it's where I've always gone to think things through by myself) for hours crying my heart out for all the crap I had just done to everyone.

I could stay with the OW, our life was drinking, partying, drugs (smoking pot), more drinking, more partying and probably doing nothing with my life or

I could remember what life was like before all this mess happened, the life with my wife. The most caring person, the one who took care of me when I lay in bed thinking I'm dying from food poisoning. The one who was by my side when I had some stress issues with work and had a slight breakdown. The one who stood by me through all my crap and loved me no matter what.

So, I went home to the wife and begged her to give me another chance. I was prepared for the worst but she gave me another chance and I have been busting my ass off for 15 years making sure she didn't make a mistake.

It hasn't been easy, we fell into a rut again some years back. I think she had a brief EA with an old friend (e-mails I found) and I switched things off by playing WoW. Then a couple of years ago I decided this isn't what I signed on for and wanted to either make this work or go our separate ways. Hence I still have the old D papers in my backpack. I never told her I had pre-filled out the D papers years back.

And since then that little rut, I have fully committed to my family. We still fight and there are times that it's tough but I just keep thinking of how she took me back and gave me another chance.

BTW, as for her EA, she headed that off pretty quickly once she realized she had gone too far. Too bad I couldn't do the same 15 years ago.

How did it happen, 1 bad choice turned into 2, 2 became 3. Before you knew it I didn't really care about the bad choices anymore. It was something new. I had a shiny new toy I could play with and I had a feeling the old toy would still always be there waiting for me to play with it. So I ignored the old toy and focused all my attention on the new toy.

Only when I knew I was gonna lose my wife did I have to really take a look at my life see what I had done and decide what kind of future I wanted did everything finally become clear.

Would I ever recommend people getting back together after infidelity? If you were in my situation, just getting married or recently married or about to be married with no kids, HELL NO. Just get out and start over, it's way, way, way, way easier. The toll it takes changes both parties forever. If you both have history and kids and R is a possibility then i would say yes but very meekly.

Can I say that at this point my wife and I have a good life. Yes I can, we have a pretty great life. Still have our ups and downs (who doesn't) but life is very good to us right now.

Some have asked if my wife could do it all over again would she have chosen differently. I have answered to some people and the answer

If she was able to go back to that exact point in time, she would have made a different choice and not gotten back with me. The toll it took on her for the next couple of years after the affair really did a number on her. We did get her some help but I never got any and had been fighting this demon for a while until I found this site.

You guys on TAM have helped me heal alot and by reading all of these horrible stories helped me come clean with myself. I made a horrible, horrible choice that I have to live with forever. But it was my choice to make and I picked wrong path to walk. But just because you make some bad choices doesn't mean you're a bad person. It's how you redeem yourself in the end, can you learn from your mistake and move on to live as a better person.

Hopefully I have, hopefully I have.

Luckily I didn't pay the price of losing my spouse as others have.

Reconciliation starts with the BS, they have the power to make it work. But it takes the WS to give 100% also and own up to what they've done. Just saying sorry and showing remorse means nothing until they can look at themselves and say you F'ed up big time here, what are you gonna do and how are you gonna fix this is what's needed also.


BTW, my affair was all me, there was nothing wrong with my wife at all, I had sex, I had everything but I wanted the new thing.

I'll stop by once in a while but i won't be posting anymore on here. Good luck to all you people out there. There is always hope but always go in hoping for the best but expect the worst to happen.

Again, any WS that says I can't remember. Just don't even bother, it's a total Bull S response to protect the cheater only. They're not protecting you, they're protecting themselves. If you have to know an answer, they have to answer it. If not, don't even try R.

And the tip of the iceberg phrase, REMEMBER it and my story. Cuz there is always that huge, huge, huge iceberg sitting underneath the water that we hide. And my wife knows about 50% of the story only because that's all she's ever wanted to know only. If she asks for 100% will I tell her, yes. But I know in my heart, even 15 years later she'll probably either D me or just give me the we'll just stay together for the kids. I don't know of any person who could handle 100%. And this is only 75% of the entire story about the OW, the other 25% would probably give alot of people heart attacks.

Also, if you have any questions i will be more than willing to respond through PMs only about my situation. Just won't be posting at all or reading up on new posts anymore.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Amazing story CH. I've always liked your perspective things. It's not everyday you see a remorseful cheater being as realistic and honest about reconciliation. Like you said, your wife is a remarkable woman to forgive what she only knows. It's a shame you have to leave but I wish you and your wife the best.


P/S



cheatinghubby said:


> Also, I was the nice guy through most of high school. The ones the girls could talk to and tell everything but never go out with. After getting burned twice there wasn't much of Mr. Nice guy left and I became the quiet guy who girls thought was stuck up because I didn't talk to them. And I got more feedback from the girls once this happened, WTF.


This is so freakin' true


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

cheatinghubby said:


> You guys on TAM have helped me heal alot and by reading all of these horrible stories helped me come clean with myself. I made a horrible, horrible choice that I have to live with forever. But it was my choice to make and I picked wrong path to walk. But just because you make some bad choices doesn't mean you're a bad person. It's how you redeem yourself in the end, can you learn from your mistake and move on to live as a better person.
> 
> Hopefully I have, hopefully I have.
> 
> ...


I salute you sir! It takes a lot of guts to expose yourself here on a site where there a lot of newly betrayed spouses who are hurting from infidelity. You, along with the other former waywards like Jellybeans, Entropy3000, sigma1299, Affaircare, etc, have helped many betrayed spouses here with your advice and perspective. You people give me hope for my own fWW. 

Good luck in your R!


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

You sir have more than atoned for your betrayal and are among those whom I admire most. I wish you and your wife nothing but the very best. God bless.


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## messeduplady (May 31, 2012)

Thanks for sharing your story, and your honesty, appreciated more than you could ever know. All the best for a happy future x


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Thank you so much for sharing your story.


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