# need help



## Cookie09 (May 27, 2017)

LONG READ:SO IF YOU READ ALL OF IT THANK YOU SO MUCH: 
long story short. me(the wife) did some stupid crap by sending explicit pictures to a guy on social media and said some stupid BS, which i didn't mean, mind you, i dont know why, but i did it. anyways, instead of keeping it a secret, i told my husband because i felt guilty and i didnt want to keep it a secret. i love my husband so much so instead of anything becoming physical, i told my husband. well. obviously he didnt take it lightly. when i say anger, anger, ripped up pictures of us, hasnt spoken to me in 3 days, sleeps in the futon, when he texts me its all anger towards me. he wants to divorce me. mind u this is the first time in 10 years i ever did something like this, and i know thats not an exscuse to make it right, and i have constantly begged him to forgive me, not forget, etc. theres 2 kids involved, and i feel so stupid and filled with regret that I did this. believe me. i haven't eaten in 3 days. im a mess. i just want my husband back. i dont expect him to forget, and i know its a process, but i wish he can forgive. this is the worsr feeling ive ever had in my life. i wish i could go back, but i cant. please any advice?


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

It's good that you told him. 

First of all, you do know why you did it. 
You should tell your husband what that reason is and own your mistake. By claiming you "don't know" why you did it, you are basically calling yourself blameless. You are not, and there IS a reason. If anything, you need to be honest to YOURSELF, what that reason is. 

Second, you can't influence your husband. He's going to feel the way he feels. If you show remorse through your actions, he may eventually open dialog with you again, but it's his choice of when to do that. Meanwhile you should reflect on the real reason(s) you did what you did and show remorse by blocking the strange guy, quitting social media for the foreseeable future, sharing your passwords with your husband, and getting out of the house more to find activities with wholesome women/wives who are good role models.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Even though you did not act and sleep with the guy, it will take a long time for your husband to get over this. 

This is still cheating to him, if you want to save your marriage try to talk to him and give him full transparency on all your electronics make you an appointment for therapy. 

Finally ask him if anything what you can do to earn his trust back, this could take years to happen if he decides to stay with you and you are going to have to give him all the time it takes. Be totally honest with every question he ask you about this, do not lie to him or give him half truths.

For me what you did would be a deal breaker, and I would not want to be with the person anymore. But we are all different in what we will put up with hopefully this is something your husband can forgive.

Good Luck


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## deepsouth (Apr 28, 2017)

I agree with @Satya you do know why and the why is what is important to your husband.

Forgiveness, I believe is a separate issue. A spouse can eventually forgive a wrong but if what caused the wrong is still there there will always be that nagging trust issue.

You need to get to the root, rip it out and take steps to make sure it never happens again.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

You do not say how this all came about. Most women do not send porn pictures out of the clear blue sky on the internet. So
(1) who is the OM
(2) does he work with you
(3) does your husband know him
(4) what have you done other than say you are sorry. 

Now, you are in for a long ride so you better start figuring out what you can do to SHOW him by actions how remorseful you are. Confessing was good, but why did you confess. Was it truly only out of guilt of did husband get suspicious.???

You better make you this OM is blocked on any electronic means at your disposal, and how does OM know it is over because unless you blocked him he is not going to stop asking for more.

And lastly, please in your discussions do not refer to what you did as a mistake. A mistake is forgetting Tide at the grocery store. You made conscious decisions to do what you did.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Similar situation as my ending. I just sent my divorce papers in yesterday. 

How can you expect him to ever trust you again? What were you thinking taking the pictures? I mean, there are a lot of stops between being clothed and making breakfast for your kids, and then sending nudes to some dude on the internet. You willingly took all those steps.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Cookie09 said:


> LONG READ:SO IF YOU READ ALL OF IT THANK YOU SO MUCH:
> long story short. me(the wife) did some stupid crap by sending explicit pictures to a guy on social media and said some stupid BS, which i didn't mean, mind you, i dont know why, but i did it. anyways, instead of keeping it a secret, i told my husband because i felt guilty and i didnt want to keep it a secret. i love my husband so much so instead of anything becoming physical, i told my husband. well. obviously he didnt take it lightly. when i say anger, anger, ripped up pictures of us, hasnt spoken to me in 3 days, sleeps in the futon, when he texts me its all anger towards me. he wants to divorce me. mind u this is the first time in 10 years i ever did something like this, and i know thats not an exscuse to make it right, and i have constantly begged him to forgive me, not forget, etc. theres 2 kids involved, and i feel so stupid and filled with regret that I did this. believe me. i haven't eaten in 3 days. im a mess. i just want my husband back. i dont expect him to forget, and i know its a process, but i wish he can forgive. this is the worsr feeling ive ever had in my life. i wish i could go back, but i cant. please any advice?


What's done is done. I would suggest

1. You leave your relationship with your H aside for the moment, you cannot make him talk to you, forgive you etc. He needs time to be angry, grieve, etc. This is a betrayal (imagine if he had done this to you?). So let things settle first.
2. Start to look inwards rather than outwards and explore why you did those things in the first place. Although this is totally on you, there must be a reason why a married woman would do this?
Boredom, etc? What is it that is missing in your marriage or are you just taking risks?
3. Seek the help of a counselor to see what you need to change, what you need to improve.
4. Love love love your kids
5. When your H is calmer, ask him what you can do, what he needs to make things right.
Suggest MC also


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Cookie09 said:


> long story short. me(the wife) did some stupid crap by sending explicit pictures to a guy on social media and said some stupid BS, which i didn't mean, mind you,* i dont know why, but i did it. anyways, i*nstead of keeping it a secret, i told my husband because i felt guilty and i didnt want to keep it a secret. i love my husband so much *so instead of anything becoming physical,* i told my husband.


Do you know the OM?
Does he live nearby?
Besides sending porn, did you trash your H and your marriage to this OM?

Your H trust is forever lost. "The only card you have left to play is Honesty. Drop the _*"I don't know why?*_" and be honest with yourself and then your H. 

_"Anything becoming physical"_

I can assume that in your "talks" with OM the plan was to meet for a sexual hookup. Did you tell your H about this?

Remember Honesty is all you have that he give a rats ass about now.


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## Stang197 (Aug 31, 2015)

Cookie09 said:


> LONG READ:SO IF YOU READ ALL OF IT THANK YOU SO MUCH:
> long story short. me(the wife) did some stupid crap by sending explicit pictures to a guy on social media and said some stupid BS, which i didn't mean, mind you, i dont know why, but i did it. anyways, instead of keeping it a secret, i told my husband because i felt guilty and i didnt want to keep it a secret. i love my husband so much so instead of anything becoming physical, i told my husband. well. obviously he didnt take it lightly. when i say anger, anger, ripped up pictures of us, hasnt spoken to me in 3 days, sleeps in the futon, when he texts me its all anger towards me. he wants to divorce me. mind u this is the first time in 10 years i ever did something like this, and i know thats not an exscuse to make it right, and i have constantly begged him to forgive me, not forget, etc. theres 2 kids involved, and i feel so stupid and filled with regret that I did this. believe me. i haven't eaten in 3 days. im a mess. i just want my husband back. i dont expect him to forget, and i know its a process, but i wish he can forgive. this is the worsr feeling ive ever had in my life. i wish i could go back, but i cant. please any advice?





Sounds like your trying to minimize the whole situation. Much more here than you just doing some "stupid crap". 
Do you talk about this with him in the same tone? 
Do you realize that you broke his heart?
How could you jeopardise your 2 kids home to do "stupid crap"?
He probably wants out but feels trapped do to huge financial hit he will have to take to divorce you. Wow . He is not stupid. He knows you have not come completely clean. He knows that much more was said between you two before you sent your amateur porn picture to someone on the internet. 
Did you show him the pictures? 
How would you feel if these ended up online and your husband or another family member saw them? Your right , this was stupid.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Ok Cookie,

By now you should be getting the message that just a simple "Im sorry" is not going to make this all end happily. So fill in the blanks on some of the questions asked of you and the advice can be better for you in navigating through this mess you have created for yourself.

But if you are telling us the truth, and why on earth you would lie to people trying to help you on the internet is beyond me but many do that, then it is assumed that you never met up with this OM even for coffee. Whatever it does not matter. What matters is that you can prove to your husband, who right now does not trust you as far as he can throw you, that what you have described and told him is the entire 100% truth with no details held back or sugar coated.

so since you are adept at the internet, google yourself "polygraph examiners" and find yourself one that specializes in infidelity or has experience in it. You will be asked four or five very simple yes or no questions and if you are hiding nothing then your husband will know real quickly that his worst thoughts did not happen.

Of course this all assumes that what you have stated was not just the tip of the iceberg. And stop saying you love your husband more than anything else in the world because you just sent porn shots to another man and that is not the standard way you treat the most important person in your life.

now for the positive news. the fact is most men do not cut and run on the first affair even though 95% of us swear we will. But that depends somewhat on you. men have divorced over what you did and stayed after multipl;e physical affairs. No one here can predict any of that.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

As bad as you feel, I would imagine your husband feels 10 times worse. His heart has been ripped out and stomped in the dirt.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Cookie,

You did the right thing by confessing almost immediately, it would have been far worse had you confessed a year or two from now, or had the OM sent the pictures to your H five years from now. You've now lost control of your intimate images unfortunately and OM is free to share them.

Accept that it will take time to recover.

However your sending these images to OM is likely the result of your marriage becoming more and more distant, it's the end result of a process which may have been going on for 5 years perhaps.

I would guess that your H may also have felt the intimacy going away for years and tried to revive it, but never could bring back your sexual passion for him. He may have felt like a father a provider a comforter a protector but no longer your lover. What you did was proof, to him ,of that. 

Tamat


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@Cookie09

All that I'd need to tell you on how to help your husband through this is more than I can post on a forum like this one.

Here is a link to a book that is very thorough about how to work on recovery....

*How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful* by Linda J. MacDonald


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Cookie09

How did you come across this OM on the Internet? How many times did you and OM have contact? How long did this contact occur? Have you had contact with OM since you confessed to your husband? 

There is a lot missing from your post that we need to give accurate advice. If I had just met someone via the Internet, I probably wouldn't be sending any type of photos. So my guess is that you have been in contact for a while. Do you think this is possibly an emotional affair? We're some of the things you said but didn't mean be I love you? Have you ever met OM? 

Your husband feels betrayed, and in your post you say you love him and the kids. I asked my wife this question when she said the almost the same statement to me? How can you say you loved me when you did this? How do you think I felt? Did you ever think I would approve of this? Your husband is in shock, he probably never thought you were capable of this. I know I never thought my wife to be capable. 

I think your biggest problem I can see is that you feel regret. You want things to go back to normal, and you don't want the kids to get hurt. In my opinion you don't have remorse for your actions. By saying you want things to go back to normal, shows you are not owning your actions and looking to rug sweep this entire mess. That won't work, and then it gets worse when you say you don't know why. 

Cookie, I'm not trying to be harsh on you, I'm just telling you what I see from your post. You need to get into therapy asap, own what you did, then put boundaries in place. Show your husband with actions what you are doing to improve. Listen to his hurt, it is in the form of anger at the moment but that will change. Be vulnerable, tell him your true feelings and emotions. Remember words are just that, words, and after deceiving your husband he knows they lack truth.

The best part that is going your way is that you confessed. But now you need to know why you confessed. To alleviate your guilt? To place your guilt on your husband? Or did you confess to save your marriage? These may seem like hard questions, but each discussion you have is going to be difficult. 

Self reflect cookie, look into yourself to give your answers to your husband. It's a possibility to reconcile, it's a possibility it may end in divorce. So you need to work hard and fast to keep a possibility that you want. Best of luck to you.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

You have to give your husband time to cool off. 

He doesn't believe the pics and text between you and the OM were bs. He believes you meant it at the time. 

Bad move. Hope the best for your family. 

Remember, your actions speak louder then words. Do what you must through your actions to regain his trust.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Cookie09, how are you?


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## lovehoodng (May 27, 2017)

You need to give him time to process it all, it can be very hurtful or painful and he will be thinking about so many things, at this point he might not even believe that you didn't sleep with the guy.

So just give him his space, when he is ready he will come around, begging to much and trying to explain will only make it worst, after sometime he will be like why am i still mad, then he will be ready to talk to you


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