# What should I do?



## junkskickinin (Oct 25, 2008)

Hey gang. I've been lurking around the various posts in this forum for a little bit now and I've been impressed with the community here and the openness and understanding y'all show each other. It makes posting this a little bit easier. Not a lot, but easier nonetheless.

Here's the deal. I've been married for about seven and a half years now, the last five of which have been completely and utterly sexless. I mean literally nothing at all. The first few years were okay. We had sex on a regular basis, though like a lot of folks I'm sure, I could always use a little more. (But I was happy with what I got.) Then it just stopped. About four years ago, it got to the point where my anger and resentment with her was blowing over on a daily basis and I told her that I wanted her to go to marriage counselling with me. She reluctantly agreed and she and I went for about three months. For the most part, it was a futile exercise--I have to agree that even I thought the process was stupid, though I initiated the sessions in the hopes of fixing whatever problems we had. I still don't now what her issue was, by the way. She claimed the Zoloft she was taking was killing her libido, but she's been off them for years and still has no desire for sex. Now, she was also horribly abused as a child, and I know and have always known she has trust and body dysmorphism issues. I thought therapy would help her with those, but she just didn't want to go.

A year ago, during a huge fight about (what else?) this, she gave me permission to 'get it elsewhere'. Sounds good in theory, right? Well, maybe I'm just naive or such a good boy, but I swear I wouldn't even know where to start. And despite having this special dispensation, I don't even know _if_ I would want to use it, mainly because it makes me feel like just one of a million married guys just trying to 'get some on the side'. But I'm not trying to 'get some on the side'. I'm trying to get some, period.

Seems like divorce is the thing to do. But my wife's childlike in a lot of ways. She can't drive. She works out of our house and she wouldn't make enough to live on. I worry a lot about her. She had a horrible childhood. She needs a lot of tenderness and care. And all this being said, we actually are best of friends. We have similar viewpoints and tastes and get along not too badly the vast majority of the time. Her sense of humor is exactly 100% in tune with mine. I trust her opinion on just about everything. It wouldn't be a bad marriage, except, oh you know, for that whole lack of sex thing. I actually care very deeply for and about her. So I hesitate to get a divorce. I think I'm scared of it too because of the shame of telling my friends and family I was tired of living without intimacy. But then I see my friends and their girlfriends and get extremely envious of their lives and wish I had never made the decision to get married. In the last three years I've lost weight, started dressing more stylishly and know I am a great catch--I've had women tell me they would have been all over me if I weren't married, and I want so badly to feel what it's like to become physically one with someone again that I go to bed (my separate bed, I'll add) resentful, tossing and turning because I feel totally stuck in this miserable situation I'm in. And I'm 33 and not getting any younger.

I live under this illusion that I am the only married man (or woman, for that matter) with this problem. It's not something you can really bring up out of the blue with friends, single or married. 'Hey guys, how's your weekend been? Did you guys have sex this week? Not me!' So I keep a lot of it inside wishing that someone else would say, 'You know what? I'm in the same boat.' So I've love to know what y'all would do if you were in my boat. Because I really have no clue at this point.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

junkskickinin said:


> Hey gang. I've been lurking around the various posts in this forum for a little bit now and I've been impressed with the community here and the openness and understanding y'all show each other. It makes posting this a little bit easier. Not a lot, but easier nonetheless.
> 
> Here's the deal. I've been married for about seven and a half years now, the last five of which have been completely and utterly sexless. I mean literally nothing at all.
> 
> I live under this illusion that I am the only married man (or woman, for that matter) with this problem. It's not something you can really bring up out of the blue with friends, single or married. 'Hey guys, how's your weekend been? Did you guys have sex this week? Not me!' So I keep a lot of it inside wishing that someone else would say, 'You know what? I'm in the same boat.' So I've love to know what y'all would do if you were in my boat. Because I really have no clue at this point.


your story is probably more common than you think, but every story will have it's own reason, and it's buried in the relationship. there's no pat answer...everything from zoloft to suspicion of adultery to weight gain to...

ASK??? can you???? "we don't have sex as much as i'd want to. can you help me understand why?"


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

If she could drive and made plenty of money would you divorce her then?

draconis


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## *Aceso* (Oct 25, 2008)

Here is one from woman's point of view. 
Have you tried cooking a nice dinner for her, running a bath for her (but whatever you do, do not jump in there with her)...Let her relax and see where the road takes you.
Me and my husband had the same problem for a while. It's not that I didn't love him or didn't want him. I was just feeling stressed out, tired and he just couldn't get it. Anyway, to cut the long story short, one night we were just sitting there watching TV and he made me a cup of tea, rubbed my feet, gave me hugs....He did little things like that for few days without pushing me any farther. After about a week I felt a lot more relaxed and "got into mood" again. Women need "time". Also, has she been to the doctor? There could be a physical reason too. 

Oh, and flowers. Get her flowers for no reason and don't expect anything in return. Good luck.


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## loveandmarriage (Aug 8, 2008)

*Aceso* said:


> Here is one from woman's point of view.
> Have you tried cooking a nice dinner for her, running a bath for her (but whatever you do, do not jump in there with her)...Let her relax and see where the road takes you.
> Me and my husband had the same problem for a while. It's not that I didn't love him or didn't want him. I was just feeling stressed out, tired and he just couldn't get it. Anyway, to cut the long story short, one night we were just sitting there watching TV and he made me a cup of tea, rubbed my feet, gave me hugs....He did little things like that for few days without pushing me any farther. After about a week I felt a lot more relaxed and "got into mood" again. Women need "time". Also, has she been to the doctor? There could be a physical reason too.
> 
> Oh, and flowers. Get her flowers for no reason and don't expect anything in return. Good luck.


:iagree:

Have you created intimacy with your wife? By that I mean have you done things for her to make her feel close to you?

What are some of the things that she really like when you do it for her? Try to set the mood for her to want to take the time to have sex. This may help. I know for me I could be so horny and want to have sex, but my husband can say something or do something to totally take that desire away. For us women it is more mental and for you guys, sex is more physical. So try to do the things that you use to do for her when you were dating. In other words, try courting her again and see what happens. Good luck.


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## *Aceso* (Oct 25, 2008)

> For us women it is more mental and for you guys, sex is more physical.


:iagree: 100%.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I really think she needs to see a counselor and work through her childhood abuse issues if you feel she is still very fragile. People react in different ways as adults & I do have one friend who was sexually abused at around age 10-12 and there are many things about her that are 'stuck' in that age. She is in her mid 40's now and has yet to go on a date. Talks the talk of wanting sex but in reality I think it scares the hell out of her.

If she hasn't responded to your repeated requests that lack of sex is a big problem, then she should at least be trying to do something about it for the sake of your marriage and for herself.


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## junkskickinin (Oct 25, 2008)

Thank everyone for your very nice responses. I just got back from an overseas business trip and am finally getting a chance to catch up.

First of all, I know a lot of my problems are of my own making. Like what I said about feeling solely responsible for her care and well-being: I need to realize that she's an adult who can take care of herself and doesn't need me to hold her hand and do everything for her. But I truly do care about her and it's hard to let go sometimes even if I'm unhappy being stuck in this situation, you know?

I think my biggest problem though is that I don't even know how to bring it up with her. It's been so long since we've talked about it. I know that's a big problem too. She probably thinks I don't care about the whole lack of intimacy situation anymore whereas the truth is it weighs on me every minute of every day, and yet I can't bring myself to talk about it. I know that this is a touchy subject between us and I have to prepare myself for it to be painful. I wish I had a great opening line that would be both amusing and to the point, something to break the tension and open up the lines of dialogue and would let me feel comfortable and loose enough to get some answers and let her know where I stand.

Please don't roll your eyes when I say that I don't think the flowers/cook dinner/rub feet/run her a bath/change the cat litter without her asking/whatever will work with her. (Yeah, every guy says that, I know that's what y'all are thinking.) It's not because I don't want to do these things (I do them all, by the way); it's because I think the issue goes a lot deeper than that. I could do all these things every day for the rest of my life and I doubt she would want to have sex. She is scarred from her years of abuse and I completely agree with swedish that she needs to work through her issues and maybe even look into medication if--IF--she wants to start the healing process and reclaim her intimacy. But she doesn't want to. She has no use for counselling or therapy. She went down that road and just quit. And she's an adult; I can't drag her to marriage counselling or a psychiatrist/psychologist without her truly wanting to go. This is a decision that she has to make, and I believe she's made it.

The more I think about it, the more I think I'm just going to have to suck it up, sit down, and say look. Despite you giving me permission to fulfill my needs elsewhere, it's just not that easy. I want a real relationship, not just a sometimes hook-up. I need intimacy in my life, and I'm prepared to support you 100% with whatever you want to do, but the long and short of it is that if you're not prepared to work through things with me, then I am going to initiate divorce proceedings, and that's the way it is. The ball's in your court.

How messed up is it that saying this to a group of complete (yet very kind) stranger is a hell of a lot easier than saying it to the one person in the world I'm supposed to feel the closest to in the world?

Thanks for listening again.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

At least you are being honest with her, and faithful to the end.

draconis


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

junkskickinin said:


> The more I think about it, the more I think I'm just going to have to suck it up, sit down, and say look. Despite you giving me permission to fulfill my needs elsewhere, it's just not that easy. I want a real relationship, not just a sometimes hook-up. I need intimacy in my life, and I'm prepared to support you 100% with whatever you want to do, but the long and short of it is that if you're not prepared to work through things with me, then I am going to initiate divorce proceedings, and that's the way it is. The ball's in your court.
> 
> How messed up is it that saying this to a group of complete (yet very kind) stranger is a hell of a lot easier than saying it to the one person in the world I'm supposed to feel the closest to in the world?
> 
> Thanks for listening again.


that is huge! that part about wanting a real relationship and not wanting to fulfill your needs elsewhere is gigantic! that has to hold some meaning with her...have you said those words out loud?


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

junkskickinin said:


> The more I think about it, the more I think I'm just going to have to suck it up, sit down, and say look. Despite you giving me permission to fulfill my needs elsewhere, it's just not that easy. I want a real relationship, not just a sometimes hook-up. I need intimacy in my life, and I'm prepared to support you 100% with whatever you want to do, but the long and short of it is that if you're not prepared to work through things with me, then I am going to initiate divorce proceedings, and that's the way it is. The ball's in your court.


When I read this my first thought was that your wife thinks you need sex and if you had sex on the side, all else would be fine. I don't think she understands that for you (and most married men lacking sex in their marriage) is that it's way more than sex. You are missing the closeness and feeling desired by the one woman you love. You cannot get that from a bit of sex on the side unless you developed an emotional connection with another woman. She is setting your marriage up for disaster by throwing this option out there and should feel very lucky that you don't intend to take her up on it.

I think she needs to hear from you what having regular sex with her does for you and how important it is for your marriage. It's no different than if you decided to one day stop talking to her...How would she feel? What would she be missing? What if you told her to just go talk to someone else? Would that work for her?

Her decision to get help is her choice, but this is not just her issue. It is affecting your marriage in a big way and she needs to make that connection...if she can't do it for herself can she do it for your marriage?

As far as a humorous ice-breaker...now you got me thinking...


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## Tawny Somers (Oct 31, 2008)

The only good thing here, is that you don't have children.
Let's face it....you're in a co-dependent relationship, but it's not a marriage.
Your wife has some mental problems. She doesn't even drive - how convenient - that makes her dependent and needy. All designed to keep someone taking care of her.
She needs help but if she doesn't want it for herself, nothing can be done.
Tell her you're tired of living like a monk.
You want a real marriage and if she won't get help, you are GONE.
Do it before you go another 5 years without sex...


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## senorita2007 (Nov 6, 2008)

hi,
I am in the same boat as you are. My husband I have the same viewpoints, we are comfortable with each other, we care for each other but somehow we dont have sex at all. Its like a huge work for both of us. My husband doesnt really like various forms of foreplay and gets right down to business which i dont like and I dont co-operate with him since I dont want to be his tool rather than a partner for sex....
Maybe your wife thinks that you make her work in sex or if you work in sex, she feels guilty that she doesnt actually do anything to get you to orgasm.... and eventually evading sex...
try to think from this point of view.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

junkskickinin said:


> I wish I had a great opening line that would be both amusing and to the point, something to break the tension and open up the lines of dialogue and would let me feel comfortable and loose enough to get some answers and let her know where I stand.


Ok, here's my lame attempt at an ice-breaker...

You tell her you need to talk, bring to the table a glass of water and some aspirin and slide it in front of her. When she asks "what's that for?" you say "your headache" when she says "I don't have one" you say "good cuz I'd rather have sex right now than talk about this"


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

swedish said:


> Ok, here's my lame attempt at an ice-breaker...
> 
> You tell her you need to talk, bring to the table a glass of water and some aspirin and slide it in front of her. When she asks "what's that for?" you say "your headache" when she says "I don't have one" you say "good cuz I'd rather have sex right now than talk about this"


that's beautiful! i can appreciate that kinda humor! good stuff.
please tell me that's a "swedish" original. so funny!


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## kolapopoola (Jun 27, 2008)

This is not a strange thing in marriage relationship, the only little difference is the long time denial which can actually break a marriage. I don,t know the kind of religion you practise, but when every other things failed, God is the only one that can handle such situation like this. Pray to God, He will surely intervene, and your joy shall be surely restored back to you.
Then try as much as possible to please her with whatever you think that can make her happy. Buy things for her and be caring more and more everyday. I can understand all you are passing through, since you still love her, countinuing to be showing her love. I wish you the best of luck
For further information on marriage: Visit marriagecommonlaw.net:


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## DEFA17 (Nov 11, 2008)

I know your pain I am going through he same thing right now I love my wife dearly and I am at the point where I just want to give up!!!! The only problem is we have 2 little ones 5 & 2. I wish she knew how much it means to me to just be able to hold her and snuggle. But I guess when I leave she will have what she wants since she says that she just wants to be alone right now and for me to have the kids. Which to me sounds like there is someone else there but I really believe that she just doesn't know how to handle her libido loss. I have been trying to tell her to talk to her doctor (she is on Zoloft) to change her script but she just accused me of trying to dope her up!!!


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

swedish said:


> When I read this my first thought was that your wife thinks you need sex and if you had sex on the side, all else would be fine. I don't think she understands that for you (and most married men lacking sex in their marriage) is that it's way more than sex. You are missing the closeness and feeling desired by the one woman you love.


this is on the money!


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

DEFA17 said:


> I wish she knew how much it means to me to just be able to hold her and snuggle. But I guess when I leave she will have what she wants since she says that she just wants to be alone right now and for me to have the kids. Which to me sounds like there is someone else there but I really believe that she just doesn't know how to handle her libido loss. I have been trying to tell her to talk to her doctor (she is on Zoloft) to change her script but she just accused me of trying to dope her up!!!


for asking her to talk to her doctor????


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