# says he HAS Changed...but it still doesnt matter



## turtle10 (Dec 2, 2010)

okay. 14 years together. never said sorry. wouldnt talk about anything uncomfortable. i would beg for him to love and want me. i would tell him i felt loney and sad...and i am not a clingy needy person, just not felt love for past 5 years. and i never asked him to change. only asked he didnt drink to oblivion and embarss me and degrade me...but he wouldnt do that. anyways, 6 weeks ago i told him i was done. he said "Fine, me too" then he moved out VERY reluctantly. and now he says he has totally changed. he sees what he did and how badly he treated me. asks me to try again. begs me to try again. says i am his world. that it was supposed ot be forever etc etc. 

my problem is: i cant seem to muster up any care at all. am i being short sighted? will i regret this? i dont feel anything when i see him. but i also having a hard time saying the word divorce. what if i end up a lonely woman for the rest of my life. is it normal that once you have given your 1000%, you call it quits and ., even tho he is saying all the things i wanted to hear all those years....i FEEL its too late. 
any insight would be sooo appreciated.
PS no kids


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

6 weeks isn't long enough to prove change if you ask me...and I am him to a core. I've been alcohol free for just over 6 weeks and I want my wife back too, but if I were her, I wouldn't trust me yet either...We've been married for 25 years, I'm willing to wait awhile to prove I've changed, give us both time to change...I don't even talk to her about getting back together anymore, it's all up to her right now, and I'm sure she'll let me know one way or another, what the future will hold for us!

I hope it's not too late for us, but I wouldn't blame her if she thought it was, I've done a lot of damage...

Have you gone to counseling for just yourself? 6 weeks separated isn't much time either to make a decision either...take your time, spoil yourself before you rush to any decision...your talking about your own future, your own happiness, it is worth some patience!


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

You know what you might want to do? Agree to put everything "on hold" for a year. Live apart for a year, and for a year, observe how he behaves for the full year. 

If he has seriously changed, he will act differently, not drink, not pressure you, and prove to you by his new actions that he is a different man. If he has NOT changed, he will continue to pressure you, threaten, beg, blame and eventually get tired of trying to make things go his way and return to his drinking.

A year is a somewhat longish time, so you it would be really tough to "fake it" for a whole year. And if he really is a new man, then you two could discuss how to reunite! Right?


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

No, it isn't unusual to feel as you do. The question is, do you wait it out, see if his changes are likely to be permanent, and try again? What do you have to lose by doing that (and I mean that as a question, not a suggestion)? What can you GAIN by waiting to see how things play out? What might you lose by calling it quits now, and of course, what might you gain? 

Counseling for you at this point would be a great idea, if only to bounce ideas off of someone neutral. I think the year suggested by AC is a good idea. If he starts "blaming" you for "not trusting him," then you'd have your answer. He either accepts full responsibility for his drinking, or he doesn't--and the latter, of course, is NOT a good sign. But if the thought of having back the man at his best makes you pause, then maybe it is worth the wait.


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## julia71 (Oct 25, 2010)

My goodness, reading your post, it's like looking into myself and reading exactly what I'm going through! It's the exact same thing. For the last 5 years he treated me horribly, he drank and didn't care how he treated me. I asked him to go to marriage counseling, I asked him to care, to talk, to love me, to treat me better, to stop drinking. All of it. But he just wouldn't. Finally things got so bad I made him leave and he did - though he really didn't want to. So NOW he gets help, he starts his own counselling, he stops drinking, goes to AA and is trying to change. But I just don't feel anything. I lost trust, respect and most importantly I don't have the love for him that a wife should for a husband. Is it the same for you?

And like you, I'm not sure I want a divorce either. It's very scary. My counselor told me yesterday that the "numbness" I feel, the lack of emotion, so to speak, towards him, is classic of me grieving the loss of my marriage. That's not saying my marriage is over forever but I can't get THAT marriage back, it's gone and I'm grieving it - like I would a death. Now I have to have space, worry about ME for once - not him - and do what's right for me. And my counselor said that just takes time. It's only been 2 weeks we've been separated. And that's not enough time. So, I would say it's possible you're going through the same thing. Like my counselor told me, you need time to grieve the marriage. You must NOT let him pressure you - as hard as that is. And you must think about YOU for once. Give yourself time and SPACE from him. Alcoholics are master manipulators - sometimes they don't even realize they are doing it. Don't be manipulated! Look for it. I have decided that I WILL NOT enter back into my marriage unless I am SURE that is what I want to do, because I cannot go back into with any lingering regrets or trust issues, it only sets it up to fail again. I'm not sure HOW I go about all this, but I know weekly counseling helps - perhaps you should do that - it's good guidance and gives me strength when I feel lost and weak.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You're not shortsighted. You're just not an idiot. I've seen a million conversions. Jesus Christ apparently is doing time because the worst sort of felons meet Him in jail at some point between their arrest and their court date. They all have basically "learned their lesson" or "seen the light", etc, etc, etc. Two hours after they are released, they are back to their old tricks. I suspect the same thing here. Maybe he has changed but he didn't become an abusive alcoholic in 6 weeks and unless God struck him blind on the road to Damascus, I doubt he's completely changed. If he has, the proof of the pudding is in the eating. Whether he has changed or not, it does not relieve him of taking responsibility for the damage he's done nor does it place a burden on you to accept and forgive the years of ill treatment. If someone seriously changes, they don't have to tell you. It will be obvious by their actions.


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## turtle10 (Dec 2, 2010)

thanks everyone. good points and very helpful. he continues to text me saying i am throwing it all away etc ....and i agree with ur point that its is a greiving process. I also see the point that it could be a 'new' marriage....but the problem with that is I dont have feeligns for him. i will give it time to be sure, but i just dont think i love him anymore. thanks everyone. it is so reassuring to know i am not the only one and can talk opening about this.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

turtle, if i could add my two cents...I think that many people today have a misconception about what love really is. often, it gets confused with infatuation or the euphoria of the dating phase of the relationship. when those "feelings" go away, people often say the love is gone. love is not a feeling, it's a choice. you choose to either love or not to love. i think that in most instances, when people say they no longer love someone, it's not that they can't, it's that they choose not too.


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

marksaysay said:


> turtle, if i could add my two cents...I think that many people today have a misconception about what love really is. often, it gets confused with infatuation or the euphoria of the dating phase of the relationship. when those "feelings" go away, people often say the love is gone. love is not a feeling, it's a choice. you choose to either love or not to love. i think that in most instances, when people say they no longer love someone, it's not that they can't, it's that they choose not too.


I agree 100000% !!!!!

I know my husband loves me.....but.....he built up anger and resentment because I didn't listen to his requests for all those years, he felt unappreciated and taken for granted....it made him depressed and helped him right into a midlife crisis.....

So he felt the only right thing for him to do is to remove the source of it.....me.....

I've made so many changes lately...all the things long overdue and I'm becoming the woman I wanted to be all along....and our marriage would be loving and fulfilling from here on out....but he is choosing to not to love me....he's choosing to be cautious......

If he would just try....we could be happy again.....I know it !!!!!!

Love is a choice !!!!!


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

turtle10 said:


> thanks everyone. good points and very helpful. he continues to text me saying i am throwing it all away etc ....and i agree with ur point that its is a greiving process. I also see the point that it could be a 'new' marriage....but the problem with that is I dont have feeligns for him. i will give it time to be sure, but i just dont think i love him anymore. thanks everyone. it is so reassuring to know i am not the only one and can talk opening about this.


Yep this is why I suggested putting everything "on hold" for a year (and by the way, I am assuming that during that year, you DO NOT HAVE ANOTHER MAN). It could go one of two ways: 

1. HE HASN'T REALLY CHANGED--he'll continue to pressure you, whine and complain, figure out you aren't falling for it, threaten, and then go back to his old behaviors. No kindling will be added to restart the blaze of love, and plenty of actions will extinguish it. By being drunk, degrading you and refusing to repent, he is the one who abandoned the marriage covenant, not you. 

2. HE HAS REALLY CHANGED--he'll apologize for real, go to therapy on his own to learn about why he would numb out with alcohol, treat you with respect, not pressure you at all and understand if you're not ready yet, etc. Some kindling will be added to your love fire, and it will build a little. The actions that extinguished it will stop. Then MORE kindling will be added and it will blaze. At that point you will "feel" love again and you two will be on the way to rebuilding an entirely different marriage relationship. 

So either way, putting things "on hold" for a year will make things clear. If he really has changed it will give him time to learn about his issues, do better, and re-ignite those feelings of love in you. If he really hasn't changed, taking time will make that clear.

*And just a note:* All of this will be ineffective if there is another man involved, so if you are telling yourself (and us) that you don't "feel" anything for him because you have another man on the sidelines, then I'd say end all contact with the other man--move or quit your job if you have to. If you have another man, of course you won't have feelings for your husband and no matter what he does you won't be able to build feelings. So if there is another man--end it, then go "on hold" for a year. If there is not another man--cool!


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## julia71 (Oct 25, 2010)

I'm reading two books right now that are about trying to shovel through the confusion, etc. and see more clearly what to do:

Considering Divorce

Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay

Both of them are pretty darn good books. They really clear out the stuff that's muddling the picture, so to speak, the little stuff that you really don't need to be worrying about. They also don't TELL you what to do (just like a good counselor wouldn't), but help clear your head, so you can make a decision based on clear thought (for once!). Yeah, it still takes time! I've just started reading the second one and it isn't some miracle cure that you read in a few days and "Ta-Da!" There is alot of thought and soul searching I have to do while I'm reading it. I'm an AVID reader, and this one is taking me a while to read because of the thought and soul searching I have to do - it asks you questions you have to actually stop and honestly answer. Maybe you should try books like these?


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