# Wife texting ex-boyfriend



## justsomeguy1968 (Jul 9, 2013)

I'm curious to hear all opinions.

My wife and I have been married almost 20 years. We have 5 children and generally have a happy existence. We share great intimacy despite having our relationship difficulties along the way.

She has an ex-boyfriend who really was her first love. She got along swimmingly with his parents (both since deceased) and sister. In fact, she is still quite good friends with his sister and our daughters are only a year apart and go to the same school. Back in 2010, she and said ex met at a restaurant and began what I consider to be an emotional affair. He proclaimed his love for her, but realize that he was at a low point in his own marriage and was seeking validation from wherever he could find it. They began texting, but I believe her when she says nothing happened. I called him out in the early hours of the morning when it got really bad (she was deleting texts) and at that point he had to explain to his wife why he was getting a call from me at 2:00 AM. The emotional affair was put to rest for the most part. While I never got an apology from him, I did get confirmation from her that lines were blurred, but none crossed.

His wife was pissed, but they stayed together with the caveat of no contact. In fact, they have had their first baby in the meantime, bringing them closer together. However, my wife continues to tell me she loves him, but not in a romantic way and she continues to text him on occasion. This really bothers me. I trust that nothing will happen, but she refuses to stop texting him when I ask her to do so. I know he is not telling his wife that they are texting for he protects her from any of this activity. My wife writes him letters (which she never sends). While there is nothing blatantly inappropriate in the letters, I do not like her referencing her past with him. She simply cannot let the past be the past. I feel as though she is disrespecting me and also his wife, who has asked for no contact between them.

What really bothers me is that I could walk away and I know for a fact that she will not fight for our relationship, yet she continues to fight for a "friendship" with him, despite my wishes. I cannot walk away, for I do not desire to be a part-time father to my young kids. I would rather break ties completely, however painful that might be for all involved. I love her dearly, but I cannot stand the jealousy that boils up every time the texting ensues, no matter how innocent. She doesn't care if I read the texts, she does not delete them and says there is nothing to hide.

I would appreciate any thoughts and opinions you all might have.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Conclusion: She has decided her friendship with him is more important than your marriage.

End well. This won't. 

Ask her: How would SHE feel if you kept having a contact/relationship with your ex girlfriend who not too long ago professed her undying love for you? With someone you said you "love."

Uh huh.

Would NOT sit well with her.

Your wife has horrible boundaries.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Oh wait........ how did I miss the part about this guy being married? And the wife has asked they have no contact? Look, you and his wife already know what the score is here. Put your feet down. If they keep this up, are they really worth it? You are letting her have her cake and gobble it right up in front of you and chase it down with wine.

Your wife does not respect your marriage.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

How are you helping your children by staying in a relationship with someone who puts you second? 

I am divorced and only see my kids every other weekend, plus every Wednesday evening for dinner (during school year, more in the summer). The amount of time is less than when I was married, but the quality is WAY more. We look forward to it, there are always things to talk about, we plan stuff to do, etc. The relationship I have with my kids has only gotten better....plus they see me as a much more confident and happy person. 

If you could walk away and your wife wouldn't fight you on it, but she would for her "first love", then you really should be walking away. You're plan B. You deserve better from YOUR wife!


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## BashfulB (Jul 1, 2013)

She is showing you everything you need to know. Maybe it is time to talk to a lawyer. It sounds like she is gearing up for an affair and to possibly leave you for him. Head her off and beat her to the punch.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

You need to man up and tell her you will not tolerate this behaviour and back it up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Tell his wife!!!!!!!


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Unacceptable. Squash it with authority and hold her accountable for what she has done. It WAS an affair - an emotional one. Even if it was "innocent" writing, the fact that she is spending time crafting letters (that are never sent) to him means that she's giving him her attention to the detriment of you. She's neglecting you.


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## darklilly23 (May 26, 2013)

Hey Justsomeguy, I understand how you feel with knowing your wife would fight for the "friendship" but not your marriage.
I am sorry you are here, but there is lots of help for you here as well. 

Take a look at my threads if you like, one in coping with infidelity called "old flames or just friends? EA"
And another in general relationship about exs and old flames as OSF's

You might find some stuff there that you can identify with. 

It sounds like you are coming from a place of strength, you already know what your bounderys are, that you have a right to them and that they are being crossed.
Being in that strong place will serve you well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Yup tell the wife, give her an ultimatum. What other kind of love can she feel for an ex?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Are you allowed to see the text?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## darklilly23 (May 26, 2013)

I might also suggest getting some hard evidence if you can, I regret not doing so my self.
Others here on TAM can help and advise you with that better than I can.
After you gather evidence, if want to or can, 

Expose again to OMW. Then think about exposing to more people. 

The thing about this is, you only get one chance at getting evidence, after that the WS can put any kind of spin they want to on things and rewrite history.

"Oh my XH was so insure, he is ending our marriage because he is jealous of "just a friend" etc.
That's what I am now dealing with in my own situation.

If she is showing you that she does not care about the marriage or you (very bad sign) then get any kind of a leg up on her that you can! IMHO...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## justsomeguy1968 (Jul 9, 2013)

mablenc said:


> Are you allowed to see the text?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, I can view the texts. Nothing to lead me to believe there is anything else going on at this point.


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## justsomeguy1968 (Jul 9, 2013)

darklilly23 said:


> I might also suggest getting some hard evidence if you can, I regret not doing so my self.
> Others here on TAM can help and advise you with that better than I can.
> After you gather evidence, if want to or can,
> 
> ...


It is just bothersome to me that she spends so much time "dealing" with this through writing letters. She says there is nothing more than a friendship and her writings validate that. She hides nothing and knows better. However, I will always feel there is more to her feelings than she is letting on, even if she is suppressing it in the interest of our marriage.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Tell his wife!!!!!!!


Tell his wife and then hit the road. Don't stay married to a woman who cheats on you with no remorse.

And to clarify, she did and still is CHEATING on you, regardless of if she is having physical sex with the guy (which is very possible).


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Tell his wife!!!!!!!


:iagree:Tell his wife she is contacting him again don't tell your wife and watch her explode.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

She's redirecting effort into a relationship other than her marriage. She is not respecting your concerns because she is getting something out of it. (EA)

I agree with the others. You need to man up and put an end to it. Tell his wife too. How would your wife like you to do this with an old lover? Have you confronted him?

READ THESE.....

Dr. Shirley Glass - NOT "Just Friends"

No More Mr Nice Guy

I'd start this now....

180 List - No More Mr. Nice Guy Online Support Group


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## darklilly23 (May 26, 2013)

What do they talk about?

And they were "together" at one point? Dated or something?

Some people are just really good at keeping up no blame situations for themselfs 
or lying to themselves to avoid guilt and blame.
Look at it this way, if this OM is more a priority than your marriage something is severely off.
And that you can hold on to...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

What really bothers me is that I could walk away and I know for a fact that she will not fight for our relationship, yet she continues to fight for a "friendship" with him, despite my wishes. I think you answered your own question with this. I would flat out ask her tonight him or me. If she balks or stalls you might as well file and not be plan B.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Something I haven't seen mentioned here is that it speaks mounds about your wife's character that she has no problem causing trouble in the om's family, new baby included, just so she can get extra attention and an ego boost. She has no respect for anyone besides herself; make your decisions accordingly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

The sad fact is, your wife doesn't love you. She would rather text her old boyfriend than alleviate your understandable and reasonable jealousy.

So, I would tell the other man's wife that your wife continues to text her husband. Tell her that you've tried to stop your wife, but she refuses to stop. There is a chance that the other man will choose his wife over yours. At that point, the texting will stop.

However, you must also decide whether you want to be married to a woman who doesn't love you and is actively trying to cultivate a relationship with another man. It's possible that your wife doesn't really believe that you will leave her over this.

I recommend, in addition to telling the other man's wife, you get some DIY separation papers and ask your wife to sign them. Fill out that you get custody of your kids. Tell your wife that you're willing to let her go free and clear in order to pursue her true love. You and the kids will be fine. An action like that might snap her out of her fog.

Good luck.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> The sad fact is, your wife doesn't love you. She would rather text her old boyfriend than alleviate your understandable and reasonable jealousy.
> 
> So, I would tell the other man's wife that your wife continues to text her husband. Tell her that you've tried to stop your wife, but she refuses to stop. There is a chance that the other man will choose his wife over yours. At that point, the texting will stop.
> 
> ...


:iagree: 

Down load divorce/separation papers from your state court web site and put them in front of her.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

justsomeguy1968 said:


> However, my wife continues to tell me she loves him, but not in a romantic way and she continues to text him on occasion. This really bothers me. I trust that nothing will happen, but she refuses to stop texting him when I ask her to do so.
> 
> She simply cannot let the past be the past.
> 
> ...


I feel I have some common ground with you. My wife never gave up the torch she carried for her first lover.

Your wife is definitely in an EA with this guy.

Regardless, you have the right to your feelings and your boundaries. FWIW you seem to be quite normal in the jealousy and feeling disrespected by her, and your boundary of no contact with a former lover is certainly quite normal.

She is trampling all over your boundaries. As long as she believes you will not enforce some kind of consequences she will continue to ignore your feelings and boundaries.

As long as she believes you will not D her, you have little leverage. BTDT for 20 years with my wife. I thought I was being loyal but she saw it as weakness and a green light to dismiss my feelings and my boundaries. So be aware you have to be willing to D her and she has to know it.

Good luck!


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

justsomeguy1968 said:


> She says there is nothing more than a friendship and her writings validate that.


Tell her to find a different friend to write to.


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## ubercoolpanda (Sep 11, 2012)

Well she obviously still has some sort of attachment with this guy.. Rather than cut him out of her life shes trying to justify herself to you by saying hes just a friend. I would say it's still an EA regardless of her even texting him about general crap. 

How do you KNOW your wife won't fight for both of yours relationship? Sometimes it takes something big for the WS to snap out of the fog and get back to reality. Tell her how this is affecting you. I mean you're CLEARLY stressed about this, as would anyone else. 

You need to give her an ultimatum. Him or your marriage. Tell her you're thinking about separating. Also tell this guys wife!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Echoing above. Sorry dude. Him or me speech. If she chooses him, use her fog against her while you D.

I did the him or me thing. She chose me then treated me like poo for 3 days, then got better then worse then better...


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Nuke this thing and tell OMW (other mans wife) ASAP!!!!

Your old lady has your number sir...and she knows you won't do a damn thing about her affair. 

Until you piss off your old lady enough to show her you want her gone she will never second guess her choices. 

I mean realy, what will it take for your old lady to think twice about her disicions when you keep nicing your way through this crap? Once Mrs. the-guy saw I could let her go.. she saw her new reality, and changed big time.

Its funny how chick dig confident men, once you have the confidence to stop tolorating your old ladies crap she may not like it but she will respect it....cuz if the shoe were on the other foot she would be throwing you to the curb if you were pulling this kind of sh1t!!!!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Don't give her an ultimatum, just start going to the markets and picking up some empty boxes, and when she asks why, tell her you will help her pack her crap and take it over to the OM house and she can go live with him and his wife...cuz you ain't sharing your wife no more.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Your wife loves another man. I'm sorry. That hurts. In my book there is no such thing as non romantic love with an ex boyfriend. Her relationship with him and your marriage cannot coexist.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

the guy said:


> Don't give her an ultimatum, just start going to the markets and picking up some empty boxes, and when she asks why, tell her you will help her pack her crap and take it over to the OM house and she can go live with him and his wife...cuz you ain't sharing your wife no more.


:iagree::iagree: Do it priceless!


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## wife1981 (Jul 5, 2013)

I don't understand why she chooses to text him and continue this "friendship" with him, knowing this bothers you. You and your feelings should come first. I think she has feelings for him and wants to keep contact with him for a reason. If she is willing to fight for her ex and not for you, there is def something wrong. She's crossed the line, even though she says it means nothing. She might be letting you read the innocent text messages. I don't think this is just a friendship. Shame on your wife, I'm sorry.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

justsomeguy1968 said:


> What really bothers me is that I could walk away and I know for a fact that she will not fight for our relationship, yet she continues to fight for a "friendship" with him, despite my wishes.


 First, this tells you why you need to walk away now. She has made you feel second to another man because you are. When she married you her vows were to put you before all others. She broke that vow when she got into an EA with the other man (OM), and is still breaking that vow now by disrespecting your feelings and staying in contact with her affair partner. An emotinal affair (EA) is cheating and she had an EA. She is an remorseful cheater, which is the worst kind of cheaters.

Second, she does not value you as a man or a husband because she views you as doormat that puts up with this. She cannot love someone that she does not respect.

Ironically, the best chance of having a marriage worth saving is to be willing to file for divorce and mean it. You should only take her back if she makes the effort to earn her way back.
Tell her that you have had enough of this and that it is time for you to move on so that you can find a real wife. When you do this she will gain more respect for you than she has had for you in years. It is not a sure thing as it may be too late to save your marriage, but it gives you the best odds of saving your marriage long term.

BTW, do not bother asking her how she would feel if you do the same thing to her with another woman. Most cheats will lie and say that they would not mind, because it would buy them free time at no risk to them, since they really do not have to answer the question until or if you do the same thing; and chances are you will not because you are not a cheater and they know it.


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## darklilly23 (May 26, 2013)

TRy said:


> BTW, do not bother asking her how she would feel if you do the same thing to her with another woman. Most cheats will lie and say that they would not mind, because it would buy them free time at no risk to them, since they really do not have to answer the question until or if you do the same thing; and chances are you will not because you are not a cheater and they know it.


I agree with this, as much as I wanted stbxh to understand that he would not be ok with it if I was doing the same thing.
I was just wishing until I was blue in the face because,

1.They will lie either to you or themselves to avoid thouse nasty guilt feelings.
2.If they cared or were capable of caring about your feelings they would never be doing what they are doing.

Ask your self if you could ever do the same to your spouse? If not then there is a imbalance and you know what it is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

anchorwatch said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Down load divorce/separation papers from your state court web site and put them in front of her.


You've GOT to make a believer out of her!

Download the papers and carry out the process untill she sees the light.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

justsomeguy1968 said:


> It is just bothersome to me that she spends so much time "dealing" with this through writing letters. She says there is nothing more than a friendship and her writings validate that. She hides nothing and knows better. However, I will always feel there is more to her feelings than she is letting on, even if she is suppressing it in the interest of our marriage.


This is so wrong. No woman sits writing letters constant letters to a to another man (who was her former lover) unless she is into him.

That is the hard truth.

You never put your foot down from the beginning and this is the end result.


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