# Separated due to Alcohol abuse



## TNOKIE (Jan 16, 2012)

My husband and I have been together 7 years, married nearly 4. He is an alcoholic and has been in and out of rehab numerous times. He keeps saying he wants me no matter what and though we've had our fair share of fights we always pulled through. In September last year he had 3 months of sobriety up, was the best he had ever been and told me he doesn't quite have same feelings for me anymore tho still wanted to be together but wanted to experience life for himself. I couldnt handle being with someone who had lost some feelings for me so I moved into a place of my own then helped him find one and we agreed separation to review our feelings was best. Throughout this time he struggled again and got to the lowest point where he nearly lost his job and life. Over xmas just gone, i went to get him and helped him book back into rehab where he has been for the past 3 weeks. Up until last week he kept saying he wants to move back in together once our leases are up and really make a go at a life together again along with trying to continue battling his addiction. 3 days ago he said that while in rehab he has discussed with counsellors and agreed that he cannot manage a life of sobriety plus a relationship so he needs to put himself first over the next 6-12months and thats his new plan. He said he loves me but for different reasons now and until he gets a clear head his focus needs to be on himself and his own sobriety. He can't promise me he will want to get our relationship back on track as he said he doesn't have a clear head to make such decisions currently and all he knows is that he needs to focus on his own sobriety for as long as possible before thinking about a relationship again. He said he really wants to remain good friends but not go as far as sex or intimacy as that will complicate things. He says he still loves me but his main focus now has to be on himself. He says he is not planning on playing around or finding anyone else as all he wants is a healthy, drink free life and thats going to be his prime focus before anything else. He told me he doesn't want to keep hurting me and needs to do this on his own. He also told me he doesn't want me to be waiting around for him just in case those feelings never re-surface - he told me to focus on my own life and if i happen to move on he said that will be fine and if it turns out he gets feelings back for me after his sobriety stint then it will just have to be his loss. I'm devastated and don't quite know how to deal with it considering only last week he was wanting to move back in together [granted, he had only just got to rehab so he still didn't have clear mind]. I know the thing to do is back off but I love him so much despite everything he has done with his drinking. I know he is being honest with me I just don't quite know what to do. When i said the fairest thing to do is probably get a divorce, he said he spoke with his counsellor about that option but agreed he doesnt want to rush into any rash decisions while his mind is not in the right frameset to make them. My issue is that he says not to wait around for him but then he says he doesn't want to make any rash decisions until he has focussed on his own sobriety so I don't quite know how to take this and its tearing me apart - i'm trying to be a supportive 'friend' to him as its great he's started to sober up for the first time in ages but all i want to do is break down and not let him go. I think i'm examining it too much and not accepting it for what it is? I'm just not sure what i should be doing now, i'm not going to move on as i still love the guy and keep holding onto the whisp of hope that after 12months of sobriety when he clears his thinking he might want to work on us again - he said he loves me for everything i've done and the times we've shared together but now just needs to focus on his own self before he can focus on anything else. He isn't willing to go and file for divorce as he doesn't want to make a rash decision, yet he tells me if its something i feel I have to do to help me he will be ok with that. Really confused


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Someone just sent me this link... https://secure1.securewebexchange.com/naturaclear.com/index.php 

I wondered why because I seldom drink.. maybe it was for you. No I'm not selling the stuff. But I do believe that alcoholism is caused by imbalances in the brain.

A friend of mine used to take powered kudzu root. He remained sober without any problem as long as he took it.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Cannot manage to remain sober and a relationship? Sounds like he is just looking for an excuse to move on.

My suggestion is for you to follow the 180 (see the link in my signature block below). This will help you build strength. He will have to figure out what he wants on his own i guess.

I wonder what your part has been in enabling his drinking.


----------



## TNOKIE (Jan 16, 2012)

i know that as its been bought up in my couselling sessions often... basicaly every time he falls i've always picked him up...thats been my mistake and in affect i suppose has enabled him to keep drinking as he knows i'll always be there. I think its great he has decided to pursue a life of sobriety and i get he needs to focus on that primarily, i just don't know why he would say he has lost feelings for me in a matter of a week.... and I would think if he genuinely lost feelings he'd be able to let go but he won't even go as far that as he says he doesn't know how he will feel in 6-12months.... but then says he doesn't want to keep hurting me and understands if i want to move on..... so confusing


----------



## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Something tells me there's more to your story than you provided.

I have a feeling your husband has reached a conclusion that puts part of the blame for his drinking on you. He might actually be right since he seems to have convinced his counselor about this as well. 

His main goal in life is to stay sober. He doesn't see himself doing that with you around. That's very easy to figure out from your post. 

He's got triggers that sway him to drinking. You or some of your interactions with him might be real triggers. 

Perhaps a meeting with his counselor would clear some stuff up. I don't know if that's possible though?


----------

