# Can a marriage work when there is no sexual chemistry?



## realistorcynic (Feb 6, 2013)

My husband is the type of guy that every little girl's parents hope she ends up marrying. He treats me amazingly and he is my best friend. The problem is that we've never had ANY sexual chemistry, as in I have never even felt anything when he kisses me. You may wonder why I married him when we have no chemistry, and the simple answer is that I didn't think that I wanted or needed chemistry, passion, or romance in a relationship. I had my heart broken pretty badly right before I started dating him, and I entered into the relationship very cynical when it came to the topic of love. I had in him a man who treated me nice that I got along with, and I thought that those things were all I needed. The problem is that I was wrong. In the beginning I was fine with the mediocre sex that goes hand in hand with emotionless sex devoid of chemistry. I used to get off just on the fact that he found me sexy and wanted to screw me all the time. However, now I just feel like his blow up doll and I get no enjoyment out of sex. I don't feel like myself anymore because before him sex was a huge part of who I was, and it gave me alot of confidence knowing how good I was at it. Now I only have sex when I'm guilted into it (probably on average once a week but getting worse), and I am happy when it's over quickly. I have brought it up to him what I need in the bedroom and he seems not to care. I don't know if I'm just in this rut because I'm dwelling on it too much or if a marriage simply can't work without chemistry.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

How would you feel if he always give you oral to orgasm before you both started getting intimate together?

Perhaps an oil massage, back and then front?

A nice foot massage?

Romantic music in the room, with lit scented candles?

Maybe watch a women friendly adult movie together?


If he did these things for you and you first, would that make any difference?




For myself, I need that sexual, physical and emotional connection with my wifee and I can't just do empty sex. I like her sounds, smell, softness, warmth and knowing she is there in bed with me all night. Even though I drive her crazy sometimes with my excess cuddling, "she tells me to $%^& off and no more, etc." heh, heh, I still love it.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

realistorcynic said:


> My husband is the type of guy that every little girl's parents hope she ends up marrying. He treats me amazingly and he is my best friend. The problem is that we've never had ANY sexual chemistry, as in I have never even felt anything when he kisses me. You may wonder why I married him when we have no chemistry, and the simple answer is that I didn't think that I wanted or needed chemistry, passion, or romance in a relationship. I had my heart broken pretty badly right before I started dating him, and I entered into the relationship very cynical when it came to the topic of love. I had in him a man who treated me nice that I got along with, and I thought that those things were all I needed. The problem is that I was wrong. In the beginning I was fine with the *mediocre sex* that goes hand in hand with *emotionless sex devoid of chemistry*. I used to get off just on the fact that he found me sexy and wanted to screw me all the time. However, now I just feel like his blow up doll and I get no enjoyment out of sex. I don't feel like myself anymore because before him sex was a huge part of who I was, and it gave me alot of confidence knowing how good I was at it. Now I only have sex when I'm guilted into it (probably on average once a week but getting worse), and I am happy when it's over quickly. I have brought it up to him what I need in the bedroom and he seems not to care. I don't know if I'm just in this rut because I'm dwelling on it too much or if a marriage simply can't work without chemistry.


Mrs. OP, does your husband try to kiss you passionately? give you prolonged foreplay (incl fingering, fellatio etc)? Does he try his best to make you ready for penetration before going PIV? Does he unselfishly try to make you feel loved and needed before going in? 

If he does all that, and you are still think you're getting mediocre sex, then, sorry to say, it is not that he doesn't try, but the fact that you are not sexually attracted to him, is sabotaging all his attempts to be please you. No matter how hard he try, he will be mediocre at best, and at worst, sex with him will be a chore which you endure, and in the long run will make you resent him.

If he is a lousy lover, but genuinely in love with you, he could improve his skills. I recommend professional help. There are good counsellors out there who could help you two. 

But, even after he has improved his skills, if you are not sexually attracted to him, then again, that non-attraction will always sabotaging his attempts. Believe me, I've seen cases like this before.

Ask yourself, do you deserve a happy mariage? Does he deserve a happy marriage? Could you really love him like a wife should to her husband? If your answers are YES, YES and NO, then I think you should get a divorce. You said it yourself, he is a nice guy. He deserves a wife who is very much into him. And you deserve a man you can actually falling in love with.

I wish you good luck in making the right decision for your marriage.


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## Loyal Lover (Jan 30, 2013)

> The problem is that we've never had ANY sexual chemistry, as in I have never even felt anything when he kisses me. You may wonder why I married him when we have no chemistry, and the simple answer is that I didn't think that I wanted or needed chemistry, passion, or romance in a relationship. I had my heart broken pretty badly right before I started dating him, and I entered into the relationship very cynical when it came to the topic of love. I had in him a man who treated me nice that I got along with, and I thought that those things were all I needed.


It sounds like you settled.

You love him but are you IN love with him?

Are you attracted to him? (Not is HE attractive but are YOU attracted?)


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Just reading your post, I have to ask if your prior relationships were with "bad boys" who didn't always treat you right but you had this burning desire to bed these other men because of their "image"? 

This looks like one of those classic cases where you finally had enough with the bad boys and you found a nice guy to settle down with. You described him as the guy that every girl would be proud to show off to her parents and that he probably puts you on a pedestal and treats you like a princess. 

Here is something you need to consider. Coming into this relationship, let's assume that the assessment of your husband being a mediocre at best lover is accurate. Did you ever have any physical attraction even before you started dating or did he just look like a nice guy who otherwise didn't rank that high on the sexual scale for you? My assessment is that your husband is a nice guy, or more accurately he is a doormat. You never felt the pure physical attraction to him because he wasn't a bad boy. However, I do not think that all is lost.

What you need to do is to figure out a way to get your husband to stop being so nice and to help him develop a backbone. But he also needs to be open to criticism about his lovemaking and he needs to learn. 

If my assessment of him being a doormat is wrong, then my suggestions are mostly off the mark. I'll wait for you to respond.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Ask Liza Minelli and her latest gay husband.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

realistorcynic said:


> I have brought it up to him what I need in the bedroom and he seems not to care.


What do you need in the bedroom? If he gave it to you, would you feel differently? Does he even have the potential to give you what you need? Is there no chemistry because he's a lousy lover? If that is true, then you have to find a way to turn him into a great lover with books, videos, communication, whatever. If you had awesome mind-blowing sex, would that make a difference?


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## realistorcynic (Feb 6, 2013)

Cuddlebug: I wish he had your outlook on sex. It seems like he's perfectly happy just getting his sometimes. I'll tell him I don't feel like it over and over again, and he won't leave me alone. I eventually give in, and he just goes at it (sometimes not even bothering to try to get me wet first). Sometimes it actually hurts. Usually he just rolls over thinking he gave a pretty satisfying performance, not even noticing that I had my eyes closed the whole time and barely made a sound. It's like he can't read me in the bedroom at all. Time after time of this happening, I don't really want him even touching me sexually. His massages are amazing though. lol

I have brought up my issues with him, but it took him 2 years to take any action to try to address them. I think he honestly thought our sexlife was great this whole time and that I was just bringing it up to hear myself talk. So now he's trying, but after all that time all I feel is dirty and disgusted when he touches me. I don't know if it's something that I can push out of my head and work through or if we will just never be compatible in bed.

John: Most of the time I think that I should just ask him for a divorce, but we have a one year old son together. I don't want to leave unless I know that this is something that can't be fixed.


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## realistorcynic (Feb 6, 2013)

Loyal Lover: It's not that I don't think he's good looking. He's overweight (240 to my post-pregnancy 120), but not ugly by any means. At least I don't think so. I was always one to go more for a certain personality than a certain look when it comes to men. I have had a few people tell me I could do better in the looks department, but I don't really think that's the problem. Sometimes I do think that I may have settled for a relationship with someone that I didn't feel very strongly for so that I wouldn't get hurt again. I've often thought that I may just "love him but not be IN love with him).

Plan 9: I've never really been the one to go for the "bad boy". Maybe guys with a little more edge than my current SO who is as you said a "doormat". The last guy (that probably ruined me for this relationship) maybe turned into a bad boy at the end though. In the beginning he was the most hopeless romantic I ever met, then towards the end he completely made himself over in looks and personality. Now my hopeless romantic is some selfish ******* that I'm happy I haven't run into in years.

I think the description of "nice guy who otherwise doesn't rank that high on the sexual scale for me" is pretty accurate. Thank you. The developing his backbone idea is definitely something I'd like to try.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

realistorcynic said:


> I didn't think that I wanted or needed chemistry, passion, or romance in a relationship. I had my heart broken pretty badly right before I started dating him, and I entered into the relationship very cynical when it came to the topic of love. I had in him a man who treated me nice that I got along with, and I thought that those things were all I needed. The problem is that *I was wrong*.


Yep you settled. I bolded the most important words in your whole post.

I dated PLENTY before I got married and therefore I'm of the belief that either chemistry is there or it isn't. If you feel nothing when he kisses you then you settled. My husband of 21 years kisses me and I can barely breathe. He takes my breath away and we have AMAZING chemistry.

I hate to sound cynical but I don't think you can fix this. You love (may even like) your husband but you are not IN love with him and probably never was. Sad really.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

maybe if your amish! otherwise doubtfull


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## Lionlady (Sep 12, 2012)

Well, I don't know you, but the way your posts sound, it's almost like you don't seem to know your husband. You say you have no sexual chemistry, but do you ever sit down and really talk about what turns you on and what doesn't? You sound sort of disconnected to him. Maybe he has his own dissatisfaction but he doesn't tell you either? You say you like him, you find him (at least somewhat attractive) and that he treats you well. I do agree that sexual chemistry can be elusive, but this seems more like poor communication. You say that sometimes he doesn't even know you're not wet and he can't read you. Maybe he CAN'T read you. A lot of guys aren't so great at this. What if you tried to help him more? Do you tell him what you want? Need? Desire?

I'm just saying that people are complex and maybe there's more to your husband than what you think there is. And if you tried to tap into whatever is behind this "nice guy image" that you have (and that maybe he has too) there might more there that you would be attracted to.


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## Lionlady (Sep 12, 2012)

Just to add....I think that a lot of chemistry comes from feeling understood...from feeling intimate with someone. That's why I said that it sounds like maybe you aren't communicating well. My husband is a "nice guy" as well, but the older we've gotten and the more honest and intimate we've gotten with each other, the sexier I've found him. When we were younger I think he was afraid not to be the "nice guy," and that could get boring. I like him much better now that I see who he is behind that front.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

Dear Mrs. OP,

You said:



> Most of the time I think that I should just ask him for a divorce, but we have a one year old son together. *I don't want to leave unless I know that this is something that can't be fixed.*





Mavash. said:


> Yep you settled. I bolded the most important words in your whole post.
> 
> I dated PLENTY before I got married and therefore I'm of the belief that either chemistry is there or it isn't. If you feel nothing when he kisses you then you settled. My husband of 21 years kisses me and I can barely breathe. He takes my breath away and we have AMAZING chemistry.
> 
> *I hate to sound cynical but I don't think you can fix this. You love (may even like) your husband but you are not IN love with him and probably never was. Sad really*.


:iagree:

Mrs. OP, I think Mrs. Mavash's analysis here has said it all, however cynical it might sound. 

I hope you make the best choice for the good of all parties involved.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

My opinion is a marriage can not survive when there is no sexual chemistry. At least not a satisfying marriage. 

Your description of his attempts at lovemaking make him sound insensitive. Literally insensitive in the sense he never sensed the fact you weren't enjoying it. 

You say you want to try everything to make this work. As well you say recently he has been trying to improve however you've turned off. If you're going to make one more attempt you need to find a way to climb out of this revulsion at his touch. Maybe you simply need to think positive thoughts when he's touching you...maybe you need therapy to get there.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Sure, why not. The French call it a "White Marriage" or mariage blanc.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

do you want chemistry? start talking dirty to him. soundas ridiculous but it works.


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## realistorcynic (Feb 6, 2013)

LionLady: To be honest I think you're right when you say it's a communication issue, or at least it may stem from that. In the beginning I was really closed off emotionally because of having my heart broken by the last guy. As a result, we've never been much to talk about our emotions or really anything serious that we have on our minds. We never fight, which I used to think was a good thing, but it's most likely because we'd rather sweep our issues under the rug than talk about them. I'm not saying he's insensitive in general, but I think it's pretty accurate to say that he is in bed. He obviously knows that I'm not wet and doesn't make much of an attempt at it. With him it's usually about zero foreplay. It's so weird because we get each other so well in everyday life. We have so much fun together and get along so well, but we seem to have no chemistry.


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## realistorcynic (Feb 6, 2013)

Not to say that I'm any treat in bed lately either. I've actually told him a few times to go watch some porn and let me sleep. Not too proud of that :/


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## Sunshine1234 (Aug 20, 2012)

realistorcynic said:


> My husband is the type of guy that every little girl's parents hope she ends up marrying. He treats me amazingly and he is my best friend. The problem is that we've never had ANY sexual chemistry, as in I have never even felt anything when he kisses me. You may wonder why I married him when we have no chemistry, and the simple answer is that I didn't think that I wanted or needed chemistry, passion, or romance in a relationship. I had my heart broken pretty badly right before I started dating him, and I entered into the relationship very cynical when it came to the topic of love. I had in him a man who treated me nice that I got along with, and I thought that those things were all I needed. The problem is that I was wrong. In the beginning I was fine with the mediocre sex that goes hand in hand with emotionless sex devoid of chemistry. I used to get off just on the fact that he found me sexy and wanted to screw me all the time. However, now I just feel like his blow up doll and I get no enjoyment out of sex. I don't feel like myself anymore because before him sex was a huge part of who I was, and it gave me alot of confidence knowing how good I was at it. Now I only have sex when I'm guilted into it (probably on average once a week but getting worse), and I am happy when it's over quickly. I have brought it up to him what I need in the bedroom and he seems not to care. I don't know if I'm just in this rut because I'm dwelling on it too much or if a marriage simply can't work without chemistry.


My hub is an attractive, all-american nice guy. During the ups and downs of having four young children I went through a period where I was feeling the way you described. I wasn't happy with the sex and just felt no attraction or chemistry was there. I am insanely attracted to the alpha take charge manly man. My husband is more of an equal and goes with whatever I say for the most part. 

For me, I figured out, it was a matter of perspective. I needed to change my attitude. I needed to take charge and get what I wanted in the bedroom. He still doesn't get what I fully need but I'm still working on it! I look at all he does for me and try to be grateful. I make a conscious effort to make the best of our life together because I know I really am lucky to have the man I do and nothing else should even be questioned. I am not sure if this holds true for but wanted to share my experience.

How's your libido? Do you feel sexy? Keep working on your bedroom needs with him. These nice guys really care about your needs more than their own.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Hi there,

I just skimmed the thread, but I am curious as to what you told him you needed from him?

Honestly, what I see is that you aren't attracted to him sexually, as a base state of your relationship, because you settled for him. Then, because you aren't attracted to him, you don't want to have sex with him. So, you tell him to leave you alone (not the same as telling him what you need in bed).

The end result is (IMO) that you are communicating loud and clear your lack of attraction for him. If he were in fact somewhat purposefully ignoring your displeasure, I would not be terribly surprised. After all, that would be acknowledging you don't care that much about him but expect a higher measure of consideration from him to you. It doesn't work that way.

My ex went into our marriage the same way you did yours (although the drivers were different) Before you become (more) embittered towards him, keep in mind two things:

1) He probably did love you in the way you don't love him. By getting involved with and then marrying him without getting yourself to a healthy emotional state, you caused the root issue here. The bad behaviors are just a symptom. Since you want to save this marriage, a little understanding is essential.

2) I understand that you want to save your marriage. And, I appreciate the opposing force which makes it so difficult to provide the essentials of marriage when you start off in that manner. So, in all seriousness, consider whether you are even capable of providing what he needs to make this marriage work (not provide based on your assessment of what should be enough). If you cannot answer "yes", then you may be better off ending it now.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

realistorcynic said:


> Not to say that I'm any treat in bed lately either. I've actually told him a few times to go watch some porn and let me sleep. Not too proud of that :/


 it's getting worse... are you sure this marriage is fair to both of you? clearly this isn't working..


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

realistorcynic said:


> Not to say that I'm any treat in bed lately either. I've actually told him a few times to go watch some porn and let me sleep. Not too proud of that :/


If you aren't a passionate engaged person, why SHOULD he treat you as anything except a blow up doll?

You told him what you need. Base line, what you need is for him to be someone else. And that isn't fair to any guy. Can you look like Kate Beckinsale for him? No?

YOU created this situation and frankly commited fraud with him. So it's time to pull your big girl panties on and see a sex therapist, an IC and a marriage counselor.

He might be part of the problem now after years of 'blah' but he didn't start out that way.

You also need to be perfectly honest with him. He might be just as intensely frustrated and dissatisfied. (I wouldn't blame him). If you are, he might solve the problem for you. But you owe him at least a shred of honesty.


Edited to add: I don't think you are a bad person. I think you made a bad decision based on the best information you had at the time. You have since discovered you were very wrong.

Now, the biggest problem is your incorrect choice is also ruining somoene else's life. So you need to fix it to the best of your ability no matter how it goes.

I won't ding you on making a mistake. But I shall if you don't do what you can to fix it...one way or another.


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## realistorcynic (Feb 6, 2013)

JCD I am normally VERY passionate and engaged. Before him, I could be described as nothing less than a nympho. I loved sex, all kinds of sex. I loved everything from being dominated to making love. What I want is for us to be "passionate and engaged" TOGETHER. We just don't seem to have that kind of connection, and I don't know if it's something that can be developed or if I could ever be alright with not having that connection. I never told him to be another person. I love him as a person. As I said before, sex used to be a very big part of who I was. I miss that person, and I miss having mind blowing sex. To be honest, more than anything I'm curious as to whether relationships between couples with an intense sexual chemistry can keep that crazy attraction for the long haul or whether it always wears away eventually. I might just post about that on another forum.


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

I'm in a similar situation. I've posted various questions trying to figure out he answer. Living with a man who does not care about your sexual satisfaction makes him selfish and unloving. The best you can do is sit down and have a truly honest conversation with him about what you need. 
I've also read from plenty of couples who have been together for far longer than our marriages and attest to still having physical chemistry and enjoyable sex lives. It does not have to go sour because you are married. 
I'm on another chat site and there are a slew of both men and women who are unhappy sexually with their partner. It leads to frustration and worst case scenario is cheating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## realistorcynic (Feb 6, 2013)

Kermitty: Thank you. It's great to hear that I'm not alone in this, although I am sorry that you're dealing with the same thing. To be honest, I'm afraid I will cheat down the road. I'm a stay at home mom/fulltime student right now, but I'm afraid that when I go back to work I might meet someone and be tempted. 

Sometimes I think that older generations had it right in waiting til marriage to have sex. I know a couple that are 70 years old that still go at it like rabbits. It's kind of depressing to be 25 and be jealous of the sex-life of 70 year olds. lol. I may be perfectly satisfied though if I didn't have so many experiences of mind-blowing sex and know that I'm missing out.


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

You are definitely not alone. With so many of us in the same situation, there is still no magic answer as to what to do. You definitely can not continue to be used for his pleasure like that. That's a miserable way to live.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

realistorcynic said:


> JCD I am normally VERY passionate and engaged. Before him, I could be described as nothing less than a nympho. I loved sex, all kinds of sex. I loved everything from being dominated to making love. What I want is for us to be "passionate and engaged" TOGETHER. We just don't seem to have that kind of connection, and I don't know if it's something that can be developed or if I could ever be alright with not having that connection. I never told him to be another person. I love him as a person. As I said before, sex used to be a very big part of who I was. I miss that person, and I miss having mind blowing sex. To be honest, more than anything I'm curious as to whether relationships between couples with an intense sexual chemistry can keep that crazy attraction for the long haul or whether it always wears away eventually. I might just post about that on another forum.


Did you ever give him that side of yourself? That passionate engaged person? Or did you hide it like a secret? Some women are embarassed by their pasts.

But let's say you did tell him. How would he feel to hear you talk about how you spent a whole weekend in a mask, tied up and doing crazy and illegal things with some hook up...but you don't do it with him your husband?

If you've portrayed yourself as 'vanilla girl' sex wise and he knows no different, why are you surprised?

But that doesn't sound like the problem. You say he doesn't turn you on. And I don't know that he should have to make a very special effort to change now that he's married. His default assumption was that he should already have turned you on in the marriage.

You chose poorly. Have some frank discussions.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

realistorcynic said:


> My husband is the type of guy that every little girl's parents hope she ends up marrying. He treats me amazingly and he is my best friend. The problem is that we've never had ANY sexual chemistry, as in I have never even felt anything when he kisses me. You may wonder why I married him when we have no chemistry, and the simple answer is that I didn't think that I wanted or needed chemistry, passion, or romance in a relationship. I had my heart broken pretty badly right before I started dating him, and I entered into the relationship very cynical when it came to the topic of love. I had in him a man who treated me nice that I got along with, and I thought that those things were all I needed. The problem is that I was wrong. In the beginning I was fine with the mediocre sex that goes hand in hand with emotionless sex devoid of chemistry. I used to get off just on the fact that he found me sexy and wanted to screw me all the time. However, now I just feel like his blow up doll and I get no enjoyment out of sex. I don't feel like myself anymore because before him sex was a huge part of who I was, and it gave me alot of confidence knowing how good I was at it. Now I only have sex when I'm guilted into it (probably on average once a week but getting worse), and I am happy when it's over quickly. I have brought it up to him what I need in the bedroom and he seems not to care. I don't know if I'm just in this rut because I'm dwelling on it too much or if a marriage simply can't work without chemistry.


My wife and I never had any sexual chemistry either and haven't had sex for over 20 years. But everything is good except the sex and we get along great so yes sure you can get along fine without sex in your marriage. When you get horny you just take care of it yourself and carry on with your day.
And the older you get the less important sex becomes anyway.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

The first step is honesty, you guys can increase the chances of making it work if you're both transparent about it, remove all the sticks outta ya asses and work on it without pretentions.

But either than that, marrying someone with zero chemistry is a bit of a 
:slap: for me.


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

Mr B said:


> And the older you get the less important sex becomes anyway.


That's not necessarily guaranteed as I've heard from others. If two people are mutually happy with little sex then sure it can work. It seems too often one partner isn't satisfied.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

I wonder if you married this guy bc u knew u would never get that close to him thus keeping you from ever truly being intimate with him. And obviously it makes sense you would fear intimacy seeing as you have been hurt in the past.


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

Read the dance of intimacy by harriet lerner


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## realistorcynic (Feb 6, 2013)

Actually the sex was ok in the beginning. It wasn't completely vanilla then because it was a new relationship and you're always going to be a little excited in the beginning. It was always a bit mediocre I guess, but I really didn't realize what was missing til I met someone else I was extremely into and wanted to leave. But I have just the kind of luck that I got pregnant from the goodbye sex. I married him because we had a baby together and we get along really well.

Mr. B-- All due respect, it's not as easy as that for me. I NEED sex. For one I love it. And secondly, I get off more to the passion involved during sex then just penetration so toys aren't really going to cut it. I think it's much easier for men to "take care of themselves" than for women.


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## realistorcynic (Feb 6, 2013)

MissyMrs80 have you been reading my mind??

"I wonder if you married this guy bc u knew u would never get that close to him thus keeping you from ever truly being intimate with him. And obviously it makes sense you would fear intimacy seeing as you have been hurt in the past."

That's not exactly news to me because I figured it out a long time ago, but I'm surprised you picked up on that so easy. I wish we could separate for awhile and start all over so I could be more open with him this time around, but to be honest I think that might have been his favorite part about me in the beginning. He'd been with a girl for three years who was CRAZY clingy. I think he loved that I never texted him first, that I couldn't care less about anniversary's or V-day, that I was perfectly fine not busting out the "L word" for months, and that when we hung out I was just like one of the guys. Maybe I'm not being fair to him at all because for the first three years that we were together I didn't care about love, passion, or intimacy so everything was great with my man who also apparently doesn't care about those things. The problem is that I met someone who made me realize that I really want those feelings in my life again. Sex and my life just feel empty now.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

realistorcynic said:


> MissyMrs80 have you been reading my mind??
> 
> "I wonder if you married this guy bc u knew u would never get that close to him thus keeping you from ever truly being intimate with him. And obviously it makes sense you would fear intimacy seeing as you have been hurt in the past."
> 
> That's not exactly news to me because I figured it out a long time ago, but I'm surprised you picked up on that so easy. I wish we could separate for awhile and start all over so I could be more open with him this time around, but to be honest I think that might have been his favorite part about me in the beginning. He'd been with a girl for three years who was CRAZY clingy. I think he loved that I never texted him first, that I couldn't care less about anniversary's or V-day, that I was perfectly fine not busting out the "L word" for months, and that when we hung out I was just like one of the guys. Maybe I'm not being fair to him at all because for the first three years that we were together I didn't care about love, passion, or intimacy so everything was great with my man who also apparently doesn't care about those things. The problem is that I met someone who made me realize that I really want those feelings in my life again. Sex and my life just feel empty now.


'New love always comes with that 'new love smell'. So pining for that is silly. You can't have a second 'First Kiss'.

That doesn't mean you can't improve your relationship, but 'suddenly being into somenone else' just doesn't work. You never were that into your hubby...and now he is reaping the consequences of that.

You two need a SERIOUS talk. Now.


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## WillPrez (Dec 8, 2012)

I think that marriage no longer there is no sexual chemistry..


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## Quantmflux (Feb 6, 2013)

To answer the original question, if you have to ask you have your answer. Can it work for some? Sure. And guess what? They're aware of that. Can it work for you? IMO hell no.

It's more fair to both of you if you go your separate ways from what you've described.


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## realistorcynic (Feb 6, 2013)

JCD I HAVE TALKED TO HIM OVER AND OVER AGAIN. I'm not pining for new love, I'm pining for some kind of feeling in my relationship and for decent sex. 

Quant I tend to agree with you. I think this kind of marriage can work just fine for someone who has sex as a low priority in their life. I'm just not that kind of person.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Mr B said:


> My wife and I never had any sexual chemistry either and haven't had sex for over 20 years. But everything is good except the sex and we get along great so yes sure you can get along fine without sex in your marriage. When you get horny you just take care of it yourself and carry on with your day.
> And the older you get the less important sex becomes anyway.


Sorry but that's just plain sad. At some level I'm wondering why not just be friends with this woman that is now your wife and marry someone you can have the whole package with? 

Sex is more than an ejaculation. It's only becoming less important as you get older because you're not engaging in any.


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## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

What is sexual chemistry? I have heard of sexual compatibility. Is that it?


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

sexual compatibility are related to libido. Sexual chemistry are related to mutual attraction. 

If a couple are so attracted to each other and make them always willing to bonk each other, it is said that they have the sexual chemistry. But they are not necessarily have the same desired frequency. Let's say the husband want sex 2 times a week, the wife want sex 7 times a week. That means, they have chemistry, but the libido are not compatible.

Nevertheless, usually if there are very strong mutual attraction to each other, frequency tends to go up up up..


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

realistorcynic said:


> JCD I HAVE TALKED TO HIM OVER AND OVER AGAIN. I'm not pining for new love, I'm pining for some kind of feeling in my relationship and for decent sex.
> 
> Quant I tend to agree with you. I think this kind of marriage can work just fine for someone who has sex as a low priority in their life. I'm just not that kind of person.


I'm sorry. Did you tell him that you never got 'tingly' about him? Or have you just asked him to do X Y and Z in an attempt to find a spark?

Those are two different conversations.

Edited to add: The fact that you are with your husband, but still getting these sparks with other men puts you at a good bit of danger in some ways as well.

I am only going by what you said: that you found some man enticing but not your husband. I'm sure you have great self control...but we are human.


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## humanbecoming (Mar 14, 2012)

*Re: Re: Can a marriage work when there is no sexual chemistry?*



john_lord_b3 said:


> sexual compatibility are related to libido. Sexual chemistry are related to mutual attraction.
> 
> If a couple are so attracted to each other and make them always willing to bonk each other, it is said that they have the sexual chemistry. But they are not necessarily have the same desired frequency. Let's say the husband want sex 2 times a week, the wife want sex 7 times a week. That means, they have chemistry, but the libido are not compatible.
> 
> Nevertheless, usually if there are very strong mutual attraction to each other, frequency tends to go up up up..


John, 

I have to say that as I read your posts, I'm more and more impressed with your advice and contributions here on TAM. I hope you stick around.


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

Hold on. Her husband has intimacy issues as well....he is getting something out of being with an emotionally distant partner. The OP & her husband are both protecting themselves from ever truly getting intimate. 

Op, if you leave him, you will still be left with your difficulty with intimacy. if you guys can both recognize this & do some work in therapy, there may be a chance for you boh.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

humanbecoming said:


> John,
> 
> I have to say that as I read your posts, I'm more and more impressed with your advice and contributions here on TAM. I hope you stick around.


Thank you Mr. Human, for your kind words. I am happy to hear that you like my posts. For now I am still struggling with cultural comprehension and language barrier, but I hope when I could overcome them, I will be able to give even better advice. *standing bow*


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

MaritimeGuy said:


> Sorry but that's just plain sad. At some level I'm wondering why not just be friends with this woman that is now your wife and marry someone you can have the whole package with?
> 
> Sex is more than an ejaculation. It's only becoming less important as you get older because you're not engaging in any.


The problem is not her so much as being married. And even a non marital close relationship causes a loss of sexual desire. So no point in leaving because it would just happen again unless I kept the partners at arm's length emotionally. But if you do that you can't be part of a family. I always say I gave up sex to be part of a family.


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## realistorcynic (Feb 6, 2013)

Mr. B you seem pretty happy and the nature of your relationship seems to work for you. It's not what I would hope for for myself, but as long as your happy I don't think it's anyone's right to judge.


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## realistorcynic (Feb 6, 2013)

Ironically he brought the subject up yesterday and flat out asked me if I wanted a divorce. Now I have a new problem because he said that if I leave he would want to cut ties completely (as in also with our son). He said "he'll be just as happy with whoever you end up with raising him." I really do love my hubby as a person so I was so surprised he would say something so uncaring about his own son. I'm more confused than ever because I grew up with a mom that had almost nothing to do with me growing up, and I don't want my son to have to go through that. May just have to grin and bare this little problem of mine.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

realistorcynic said:


> Mr. B you seem pretty happy and the nature of your relationship seems to work for you. It's not what I would hope for for myself, but as long as your happy I don't think it's anyone's right to judge.


No no. Sexually very, very unhappy to say the least. I have given up a lot, more than many would that's for sure. I survive by pouring all my energy into my career which I love but have not had skin to skin contact (other than a handshake) with a woman for over 20 years. Some people can have it all some can't.


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## realistorcynic (Feb 6, 2013)

Well in that case, my opinion is that no-one should have to say "I survive my life."


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

realistorcynic said:


> Ironically he brought the subject up yesterday and flat out asked me if I wanted a divorce. Now I have a new problem because he said that if I leave he would want to cut ties completely (as in also with our son). He said "he'll be just as happy with whoever you end up with raising him." I really do love my hubby as a person so I was so surprised he would say something so uncaring about his own son. I'm more confused than ever because I grew up with a mom that had almost nothing to do with me growing up, and I don't want my son to have to go through that. May just have to grin and bare this little problem of mine.


That's troublesome. In my situation, divorce is an option but it the choice isn't clear because I have two beautiful daughters. They are my life. The thought of only being a part-time father is heartbreaking, let alone a father that abandons their child, as I would imagine it would be to any good father. They will NOT be happier or as well adjusted without me in their lives. 

As far as sexual chemistry? I don't know ... I think for some people it can be developed over time but that isn't true for everyone and at the very least it requires both partners willing to care more about the needs of the other than themselves.


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## realistorcynic (Feb 6, 2013)

I'm really disappointed in him for even saying that. It may even have made me lose some respect for him. I may be rethinking my marriage to him, but I really thought I chose in him a man that was better than that.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

realistorcynic said:


> I'm really disappointed in him for even saying that. It may even have made me lose some respect for him. I may be rethinking my marriage to him, but I really thought I chose in him a man that was better than that.


He probably thought the same. Do you think he is totally clueless toward your attitudes?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Was he bluffing to get you to stay or does he really care that little about his own son?


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

realistorcynic said:


> I'm really disappointed in him for even saying that. It may even have made me lose some respect for him. I may be rethinking my marriage to him, but I really thought I chose in him a man that was better than that.


What did you expect? You have obviously broken him and his self esteem is now ZERO. 
When you expect all the effort for change in a relationship to come from only one of the participants, you aren't likely to get the results you wish to see. (providing you want the relationship to work)


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> Was he bluffing to get you to stay or does he really care that little about his own son?


I vote bluffing. Angry and frustrated is my second guess.


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## realistorcynic (Feb 6, 2013)

I half think he was bluffing and half think that maybe he's just too lazy to want to think about doing the joint custody thing. 

JCD I do plenty for him to try to keep us from sliding into a sexless marriage. I've messed around with other girls for his enjoyment, I just woke him up for work with sex, and I was walking around in nothing but an apron yesterday. The least he can do is try to give me what I need from sex too.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

realistorcynic said:


> I'm really disappointed in him for even saying that. It may even have made me lose some respect for him. I may be rethinking my marriage to him, but I really thought I chose in him a man that was better than that.


I fight hard for all the time I have with my daughter (50%) and also have called her mother to short-notice hearings when my daughter complained about being treated badly over there. That is what good fathers do.

Trust me - this guy is a tool to be even jesting about this.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

realistorcynic said:


> JCD I do plenty for him to try to keep us from sliding into a sexless marriage. I've messed around with other girls for his enjoyment, I just woke him up for work with sex, and I was walking around in nothing but an apron yesterday. The least he can do is try to give me what I need from sex too.


This goes back to the expectation thing. If what you need is him to be someone or something he isn't, how is that fair to him. You knew what he was going into the marriage.

Can you define what you need?


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

realistorcynic said:


> Ironically he brought the subject up yesterday and flat out asked me if I wanted a divorce. Now I have a new problem because he said that if I leave he would want to cut ties completely (as in also with our son). He said "he'll be just as happy with whoever you end up with raising him." I really do love my hubby as a person so I was so surprised he would say something so uncaring about his own son. I'm more confused than ever because I grew up with a mom that had almost nothing to do with me growing up, and I don't want my son to have to go through that. May just have to grin and bare this little problem of mine.


I think he's trying to blackmail you in a sense. As in, if you divorce him he will hurt his son to get back at you and blame you for that. Hardly an intelligent plan to rebuild a marriage...


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

I would lose all respect for my husband if he used our son as a pawn like that. He is either too immature or too selfish to be a fulfilling partner. I would refuse to find pleasure with my husband after that comment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Kermitty said:


> I would lose all respect for my husband if he used our son as a pawn like that. He is either too immature or too selfish to be a fulfilling partner. I would refuse to find pleasure with my husband after that comment.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So...you never make stupid or thoughtless comments?

Would your husband say the same?


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

I didn't say I have never made stupid or thoughtless comments. Did I miss the part where he said he was sorry and it was a thoughtless and stupid comment? I've never used out child as a weapon in our marriage and neither has my husband. My husband would say the same.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

What weapon? This is the male reality. Men lose contact with their kids unless the KIDS make an effort to stay connected. The courts don't help them. The ex-wives don't help them. The kid has to tell the court "I want to live with my father" Then Dad needs to PROVE he's a suitable candidate for childrearing...unlike the mother.

I know. I had to do it.

He knows. She doesn't love him and he knows. She appreciates the slew of 'good qualities' he has, but that isn't love.

I feel sympathy for this guy.


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## realistorcynic (Feb 6, 2013)

"He knows", but he still got me pregnant to trap me. I'm not saying I'm completely innocent in all this, but neither is he. Don't assume to know everything about a relationship you are not in.

Although what someone said about him hurting my son to get back at me isn't something I think he'd do. He's just human, not some kind of jackass.


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## realistorcynic (Feb 6, 2013)

Stop projecting onto me. I do love my husband, we are just missing intimacy. And if we did get a divorce I would do everything I can to make sure he got to see his son as much as possible. I'm not some kind of uncaring, irrational person that would do that to him. I'm just human, and I happen to be unhappy in my marriage. If all you're going to do is antagonize, you can go to another thread.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

realistorcynic said:


> "He knows", but he still got me pregnant to trap me. I'm not saying I'm completely innocent in all this, but neither is he. Don't assume to know everything about a relationship you are not in.
> 
> Although what someone said about him hurting my son to get back at me isn't something I think he'd do. He's just human, not some kind of jackass.


This is new. I don't understand the pregnancy thing.

Okay. Sorry to project but you haven't outlined what he can do to fix this. You want a solution, not sympathy, right?

What is it that turns you on? Can he create that?

Why is he suddenly talking divorce? Has he been reading your posts?


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

I met with our therapist today. I have seen her with my husband but this is the first time I saw her alone. It was a frustrating experience. She believes that most women do not put that much importance on sex and are happy with little or no sex if there is emotional intimacy and a happy marriage. Does this mean that there is something inherently wrong with every woman who posts on this site with a high sex drive looking for better sexual chemistry with her husband? According to her, when a marriage works, sex is the least important issue on the list. So seems like one professional out there believes you can have a happy marriage without sexual chemistry. I am baffled.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

Kermitty said:


> I met with our therapist today. I have seen her with my husband but this is the first time I saw her alone. It was a frustrating experience.
> 
> *She believes that most women do not put that much importance on sex and are happy with little or no sex if there is emotional intimacy and a happy marriage. *


OMG!!! She is a WOMAN and she said THAT?!?!?! Is she really a qualified therapist? Is THAT what is being taught in school?!?



> Does this mean that there is something inherently wrong with every woman who posts on this site with a high sex drive looking for better sexual chemistry with her husband? According to her, when a marriage works, sex is the least important issue on the


That is clearly very very wrong. Women who wish to have sex with her husband is admirable and doing the right thing to do. It's way better than cheating or withholding sex. 

Or maybe your therapist misunderstood your story.



> list. So seems like one professional out there believes you can have a happy marriage without sexual chemistry. I am baffled.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Try to write down on paper your side of the story. What you want, why you want it, what are you willing to do to get what you want. Next time you're back into counselling, bring this and use this as a guide to make sure she gets your story.


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

I should probably start another thread to reply to the above post.. I just thought posting a so called professional's opinion would be interesting to the discussion.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

Blimey. I'm the wife in a sex starved marriage and have been rooting around the net. I was moved to join this forum when I found this thread. The OP could almost be me. Except that we have had no sex at all for 3 1/2 years.

I married my husband for similar reasons to the OP. We've been together for over 20 years. No children. We've become good friends on many levels. Initially the sex was quite good but it was a new relationship and I am quite imaginative and kept the passion going as long as I could. However he is utterly formulaic and not at all sensual. Eventually after about 7 years of trying I just gave up. We slipped into the once a week, once a month, once a year routine.

I thought I could cope with pleasuring myself but I simply can't any more. Where my issue seems to differ slightly from the OP is that I no longer want sex with the husband even if he were capable.

I've recently caved in and taken a lover who is utterly wonderful in bed. Of course now I am reminded of how good sex can be and I don't think I can cope with living in a sexless marriage any more.

Sorry, this post is just turning into a bit of a vent rather than a constructive addition to the thread.

I suppose my take on the question posed in the thread title is that I don't think a marriage can truly work if there is no sexual chemistry. The participants can stay together and kid themselves, of course. I have tried the "fake it till you make it" approach and in other aspects of life it quite often works. But in the case of the marriage I'm still faking and haven't made it. Do you stay in a comfortable if deeply frustrating environment (he is not unhappy) or do you tear down 20 years of work and take a stab at happiness for yourself on the basis that life is not a rehearsal?


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

Climbingthewalls, have you ever tried seeing a sex therapist with your husband? I understand how you feel. i am trying to find physical attraction for my husband and am considering going to see a sex therapist.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

Kermitty said:


> Climbingthewalls, have you ever tried seeing a sex therapist with your husband? I understand how you feel. i am trying to find physical attraction for my husband and am considering going to see a sex therapist.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No. He hasn't even raised the issue with his doctor, and certainly wouldn't go to any kind of therapy. He completely pooh poohs anything like therapy or counselling.

Also he is particularly unsensual, can't stand massage or stroking or anything like that. And goes at everything like a bull in a china shop.


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

Sounds horrible!! Well you certainly shouldn't have to put up with that. I don't blame you taking on a lover.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Kermitty said:


> Sounds horrible!! Well you certainly shouldn't have to put up with that. I don't blame you taking on a lover.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am a cheater (EA) and even I am appalled by that statement.

Don't expect it to be particularly popular around here.

For those who don't get it, here is the formula for break ups

1) Grave dissatisfaction with spouse.

2) Breaking up by Divorce.

3) Finding someone new you like.

If you do it in any other order, you are doing your spouse, yourself and society a disservice.


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

So you say, JCD. However in Europe, France in particular, many marriages survive in spite of people taking lovers. In fact taking lovers is expected, so long as it is done discreetly.

I would go so far as to say that some marriages may survive precisely because there is less societal pressure on fidelity.

One size does not fit all, IMHO.


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

Which part is appalling? The part about her husband not making a mutually enjoyable sex life a priority or the part where I understand why she would have a lover? I'm not asking in an angry way, just confused as why my being sympathetic to her situation was appalling....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

ClimbingTheWalls said:


> So you say, JCD. However in Europe, France in particular, many marriages survive in spite of people taking lovers. In fact taking lovers is expected, so long as it is done discreetly.
> 
> I would go so far as to say that some marriages may survive precisely because there is less societal pressure on fidelity.
> 
> One size does not fit all, IMHO.


“French culture is hard on women who cheat and the husband of a woman who cheats is ridiculed, even today.”


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## thelonesomeone (Apr 7, 2016)

I'm bumping up this thread after three years. I'm curious to know what the OP did in the end, as my story of not having chemistry is just exactly like hers. I'm lonely, disappointed, and depressed. He leaves me alone because apparently he can't find a way to make me feel better, although he cares about me in many ways. I just feel like an inner fire is turned off in me and he can never turn it on (if he's supposed to at all). So, OP, please update this post and share your experience after three years of talking about this issue. Thanks in advance!


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

thelonesomeone said:


> I'm bumping up this thread after three years. I'm curious to know what the OP did in the end, as my story of not having chemistry is just exactly like hers. I'm lonely, disappointed, and depressed. He leaves me alone because apparently he can't find a way to make me feel better, although he cares about me in many ways. I just feel like an inner fire is turned off in me and he can never turn it on (if he's supposed to at all). So, OP, please update this post and share your experience after three years of talking about this issue. Thanks in advance!


 @thelonesomeone

The OP has not logged into this site in over three years *Last Activity: 02-12-2013 12:51 AM*, so I doubt there will be a reply.

Generally speaking those that leave this site get the advice they are looking for and/or they solve their issues and move forwards with their lives. So that is a positive sign that things may have actually turned out well for the OP or they would have been back posting more issues to vent frustrations (which never happened).

I would encourage you to start your own thread. You'll find many people here eager to help to return the favor for how much this forum helped them when they needed it.

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

badsanta said:


> @thelonesomeone
> 
> The OP has not logged into this site in over three years *Last Activity: 02-12-2013 12:51 AM*, so I doubt there will be a reply.
> 
> ...


Probably moved on to another man.

Poor man! I would hate to be in love with a woman, marry her, have a child with her, and THEN find out she never was "in" love with him.

She lived a complete lie, and she thought it was his fault? I don't think so. He was her rebound, and he was deceived.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

unless both spouses are ASEXUAL, then NO, i do not believe a sexless marriage will last very long.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Talker67 said:


> unless both spouses are ASEXUAL, then NO, i do not believe a sexless marriage will last very long.


Might last a while, but sure won't be fulfilling for both of them, and might not be fulfilling for either.


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## unsureandinsecure (Apr 21, 2018)

@realistorcynic: How did things work out? I found your thread recently and it sounds like our stories are very alike. I'm engaged to a man now who I don't feel that spark of chemistry with. We've been together for several years and our sex life is fine (he's generous and would probably like to do more for me in bed than I really want from him), but I used to be a very sexual person and it's not the same here.

He knows I have doubts, and I have to make a decision before nuptials commence.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

unsureandinsecure said:


> @realistorcynic: How did things work out? I found your thread recently and it sounds like our stories are very alike. I'm engaged to a man now who I don't feel that spark of chemistry with. We've been together for several years and our sex life is fine (he's generous and would probably like to do more for me in bed than I really want from him), but I used to be a very sexual person and it's not the same here.
> 
> He knows I have doubts, and I have to make a decision before nuptials commence.



Please start your own thread as you will get better help that way.

If you're not married then split, now. Do a favor for both parties. You deserve to be happy, but he deserves to be happy just as much as you.

Why would you deceive a person you supposedly profess to love in this manner?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Sex is something he does TO you, not WITH you. 

Why would you be ok with that? No one would be. 

Time to deploy the pile driver - which goes like this:

Would you be ok getting me off every time, and having me randomly get you off 20% of the time? Meaning that 80% of the time - after I’m satisfied I roll over and go to sleep? 

From now on, you can get me off before we have intercourse, or we can just skip sex entirely.

——————-






realistorcynic said:


> I half think he was bluffing and half think that maybe he's just too lazy to want to think about doing the joint custody thing.
> 
> JCD I do plenty for him to try to keep us from sliding into a sexless marriage. I've messed around with other girls for his enjoyment, I just woke him up for work with sex, and I was walking around in nothing but an apron yesterday. The least he can do is try to give me what I need from sex too.


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## marriedfor27years (Oct 29, 2009)

If a guy married a women because of her breasts and when she lots them he wanted to leave what would call him. You married him for something other than love. Now you want out. Do those same names apply to you now?? I think so. Figure out why you married him, pay that back before you leave. Until then suck it up.


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