# It is the frist time I talk about my problem



## nikoo (May 20, 2014)

I am 38 yrs old. I met my husband at the school back home, another country 12 yrs ago. We were in a hiking group. We started dating and there was no chemistry between us. But he was so sweet, caring and nice guy. I told him I thought it was not going to work between us. He accepted. After 2 weeks, talking to family members and friends and having their ideas that how sweet he is and I might miss a good opportunity for a marriage, I changed my mind and contacted him. We started going out again. Those bad feelings came back again but I only ignored them and tried to focus to the good things. Anyway, we had many things in common but not lovers at all. we didnt have sex before to get married. I think I was depressed and numb and thinking things will change eventually. We didnt have sex for the long time as I just couldnt. We got so busy with work, family things and immigration to the north america. Life was so hectic and we were just trying to solve outside problems together. We got here and started graduate studies and both got highly educated. During the years, I was mostly masturbating. But sometime the hate and resentment was so high deciding to leave him. But I was feeling he is the only one who can support and help me in a foreign country. Then I was staying.Things was so tense between us but as he was so calm and nice we could managed to survive. He got a job in another city but I could not go as I wasnot done with my graduate studies. I was alone for along time and met a guy and there WAS the time my sexual side got awaken. I had an affair and got so dependent to him. But after thinking deeply I ended it and told nothing to my husband as I was sure he would be hurt badly and got crazy. I was very devastated and lonely. I didnt want to ruin his character infornt of the friends and family and talked not even a word about our problems to them. Now we live together, we talk about sport, politics, work,etc nothing more. And as he is very weak sexually, we have sex once a month for less than 3 min and at end he apologizes he can not hold it more and most of times I keep quite. My family members think he is a great man ,he really is honest, easy-going ,and kind person. and they insist me to have a kid and you dont know how it hurts . He and me have talked about it several times without conclusion. He claims he is under stress most of the time and cant perform well in the bed and he needs time to recover. Sometimes, I think if I leave him , I might find someone to satisfy me sexually, but not emotionally and might not be as supportive as he was and I regret more in my life and I have to stay to this life and admit I will be miserable to the end of my life . I need to stop writing as I cant stop crying. Opening up for a first time takes lots of energy. Thanks for your time and really appreciate your advice.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My advice. Your life isn't going to get better by having a kid or staying with your husband. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

your husband sounds REALLY shy.. is this the case?


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## nikoo (May 20, 2014)

Blossom Leigh...He is shy...you are right..His family had lots of taboos and it took long time for him to be comfortable with many concepts in terms of talking or dealing with them


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Bless his heart... shy is painful

My husband is shy... it takes a great deal of patience. I think you can show him things, but softly with a lot of love. He is embarrassed about his performance, which means he will shy away from that pain over it. Would he ever allow you to just hold him... no performance?


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## nikoo (May 20, 2014)

Blossom Leigh...yes many times as the sex cant happen most of the time. we just cuddle and hug and go to sleep. I have been way too patient with him. sometimes I see him just as my older brother or father.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Why cant sex happen most of the time?

Cant happen or just doesnt?


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## nikoo (May 20, 2014)

Blossom Leigh I believe his level of testosterone is low. One of us initiates it we try as he either finishes immediately or nothing happens. He claims it is because of level of the stress he has. So frustrating..Once it happens 3-4 times in a row, I get disappointed and I totally loose my interest for awhile and it is just like a cycle..again and again


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## Pamvhv (Apr 27, 2014)

Still doesn't mean you get to have an affair. Leave him or don't but stop cheating.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

His stress could be that high over sex alone if he is that shy.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

He knows you don't love him. There's his stress. 

I think you owe it to both of you to at LEAST try to fix this marriage before bailing on it.

Have you read the book His Needs Her Needs? Read it to understand how you each have emotional needs that the other should be meeting and that, once you do, you start developing feelings for each other and the rest will fall into place. And how you should be spending 15 hours a week together doing fun stuff that gives you the happy feelings. If all you're doing is acting like roommates, of course you have no love for him.


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## nikoo (May 20, 2014)

Pamvhv said:


> Still doesn't mean you get to have an affair. Leave him or don't but stop cheating.


The affair was very short period of time and i finished it
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## nikoo (May 20, 2014)

turnera said:


> He knows you don't love him. There's his stress.
> 
> I think you owe it to both of you to at LEAST try to fix this marriage before bailing on it.
> 
> Have you read the book His Needs Her Needs? Read it to understand how you each have emotional needs that the other should be meeting and that, once you do, you start developing feelings for each other and the rest will fall into place. And how you should be spending 15 hours a week together doing fun stuff that gives you the happy feelings. If all you're doing is acting like roommates, of course you have no love for him.


He is not into romantic time. I have tried alot from creating romantic night at home to booking a very romantic holidays. None of them worked. He is a type of person who focuses on his job and his hobbies which are reading books and his energy level drains for any thing else. He is not into game night, partying anything . We go hiking or walking together and watching movies that's all the activities we do together.
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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Try reading the book and then figuring out what his needs are. See if you are meeting them. Show him yours and ask him to meet them. If he refuses, ask him why. If he has no answer, then tell him that you are now considering leaving him as he is not meeting your needs and that's not a marriage, when only one person is being satisfied.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

nikoo said:


> He is not into romantic time. I have tried alot from creating romantic night at home to booking a very romantic holidays. None of them worked. He is a type of person who focuses on his job and his hobbies which are reading books and his energy level drains for any thing else. He is not into game night, partying anything . We go hiking or walking together and watching movies that's all the activities we do together.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This sounds like an understanding his personality issue. Y'all do the Myers Briggs, Love Languages, and DISC personality tests and I bet it will gice some insight.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Walking, hiking, watching movies, reading books have one thing in common. Going somewhere literally or figuratively, adventure, looking forward, exploring.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Only read your first post but will say: you settled. You married a man cause your family told you it'd be good. That isn't how you should decide on a life partner.

I wonder if his erectile issues are related to the fact he knows full well you're just not (and have never) been into him.

Seems like a miserable way to live your lives. Totally unfair to him and to you.


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## nikoo (May 20, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> Only read your first post but will say: you settled. You married a man cause your family told you it'd be good. That isn't how you should decide on a life partner.
> 
> I wonder if his erectile issues are related to the fact he knows full well you're just not (and have never) been into him.
> 
> Seems like a miserable way to live your lives. Totally unfair to him and to you.


I did . During the first years I was seeing some good attributes in him which made me think to stay and work on our relationship . He is a smart caring kind person but his ego doesnt let him accept he has sexuality problem and also he is reserved about it. I have come to the conclusion that it is not a fair thing to stay in this relationship for both of us. But sometimes I think it is a bit late to leave. Even if I leave how much will be the chance to find someone who is a match at my age? I have these dilemmas right now
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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

:rofl:

38??

answer.... 6 Billion people in the world....

Trust me Darlin' YOU have nothing to worry on that front... you need to find out what you want in life though first... End this one if you feel it is best, but find out who you are first and what you want before starting the next one...

Age is NOT an issue... at all... My Great Aunt married in her sevenites... see it all the time..


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## nikoo (May 20, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> :rofl:
> 
> 38??
> 
> ...


To be honest, i think men in thieries or forties go after girls at early 30s or 20s . The change to find someone close to my age might not be that easy! I really wouldnt like to stay single by my 70s .
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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

She wasnt single til her seventies Doll.. her last marriage was in her 70's. Big difference.

Then dont look for someone around your age.. why would you limit yourself like that. My ex was ten years older than me, my current H is five years younger than me.

There are plenty of men out there who love older women.


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## nikoo (May 20, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> She wasnt single til her seventies Doll.. her last marriage was in her 70's. Big difference.
> 
> Then dont look for someone around your age.. why would you limit yourself like that. My ex was ten years older than me, my current H is five years younger than me.
> 
> There are plenty of men out there who love older women.


Thanks for sharing your stories. Isnt it true the guys younger than me or close to my age look for someone to have the pitential of having children with? My clock is ticking badly and this has made my self steem so low.
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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I would either find a partner to go ahead and have a baby now or else have my eggs stored so when I do find a new guy - and you will - you can start your family.


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