# Emotional Cheating?



## JEH718 (Dec 15, 2013)

I am completely left baffled by something my friend (we will call her Mary) who just rekindled with me after moving back here post divorce said to me yesterday over coffee. She is accusing me of having an "emotional affair" with our mutual friend's husband (we will call this friend Jessica.)

Jessica, myself, and our spouses are all the best friends to the point where we consider ourselves family. Despite all our working schedules and Jessica and her husband now having two kids, we all get to see each other often. I refer to her husband as my brother and my husband refers to Jessica as his sister. All four of us have no qualms about texting each other through the day just to see how the other is doing. Their daughters refer to my husband and myself as "uncle" and "aunt" and hopefully if I can carry full term one day our child will do the same. We have been there for each other through the years and more recently, they were the ones that held me as I cried and dealt with my depressed state after my miscarriage last year. When my husband had knee surgery, they were the first ones besides family members to be there for him.

When I asked Mary to elaborate on what she meant by emotional cheating, she accused me of being way too close with Jessica's husband and that as a married woman I cannot have any males, especially a married man, to be a close best friend. She says I am in complete denial. 

Still not following, she went on to say several things: we are too friendly with each other because we hug and kiss each other's cheek hello when we greet and say goodbye and are not afraid to say I love you. She said he should not be putting his arm around me or patting my shoulder. Lastly she said he and I should not be talking to each other via text or have any private conversations for that matter.

First of all, the four of us all greet and say goodbye to each other that way and always tell each other we love each other, but NEVER in a romantic way. I get sick even thinking of it. It's just in a family way. Secondly, he does the whole arm thing and shoulder patting with other people, including my husband, and he has done such with me in front of his wife through the years. It's not like he and I hold hands, touch each other inappropriately, or kiss on the mouth you know? Lastly the four of us text each other through the day to see how everybody is doing.

I understand Mary is probably bitter because she got married, moved away, and is now a divorced single-mom and she was Jessica's friend first before me. However I was so annoyed with Mary's sudden accusation coming out of left field that I made an excuse I had to leave.


If it is not bitterness, I do not understand what Mary is getting at. Like Jessica and her husband, my husband and I are faithful to each other. We have a healthy relationship where we fulfill each other's needs, spend a lot of alone time together, and have many conversations. I do not run to Jessica's husband to vent about any fight that my husband and I may have or any problems I may face related to him. Like I feel with Jessica and my husband, I feel a connection to him but just in a brother-sister way. Yes, we have had deep conversations but I have those with my husband, Jessica, and my other best friends.

I doubt Mary knows this but in case she does there were a few times that Jessica's husband and I spent time alone together especially before their girls were born, but our spouses knew about it. All we did was meet for a quick lunch or a cup of coffee when our spouses were working all day and we were not or we had off. I personally see nothing wrong with it when all we did was talk and hang out like friends.

There have been times where I have asked Jessica's husband for advice on things not marital-related that my husband or Jessica could not give me advice for and my husband has turned to others for the same when I could not give him advice. In fact the only person I turn to for marital-related advice is Jessica herself. 

I am just curious about women's perspectives on this, particularly married ones. Is Mary accusing me of "emotionally cheating" on my husband because it is so wrong to be best friends with a man as a married woman or is Mary just being a royal B?


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

My DH and I are friends with a married couple (I'll call them Doug and Di). We don't live close to each other any more unfortunately, so we don't get to see each other that much, but we still take family holidays together. Our kids get along great, we all get along great.

We kiss on the cheek and hug when we see each other, DH and Doug shake hands, lol, but DH hugs and kisses Di, I hug and kiss both Di and Doug. It's a completely innocent show of affection. We love each other as friends. They are important to us.

Before we moved away, I had cuppas with Doug without Di there. This was because they shared duties during the week looking after their kids (both PT/casual workers), whereas DH and I had a more traditional situation of him working FT and I was as SAHM. DH never had a problem with this. 

I'm not the sort to have many OS friends. Actually, every OS friend I have is a happily married man, and I'm friends with the couple, not just him. So even with that sort of background, I don't see anything wrong with your friendship with Jessica's husband.

I think Mary is jealous of the friendships you all have. She's looking for things to find offensive about it. Don't let this poison your friendship with Jessica and her husband. Just be careful about how you approach this situation though, she may try to get into Jessica's head too. I think you should talk to your DH, then talk to your friends about what she said next time you are all together. Forewarned is forearmed. Don't assume she'll let it drop. She's no friend of yours.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I think if Mary were to do those things, to her it would be cheating emotionally. That does not mean it is for you, though.

You seem very clear on your motives, and your husband is aware of everything going on. If you have a clear conscience, and he is okay with everything, then I do not see a problem. 

I think Mary has control issues. I think she may also be gaslighting you, even if unintentionally.

Do you think you could ask her if, for her, these activities would mean emotional cheating? If you could do that sincerely, without any feeling of accusation, but in just a seeking to understand way, she might open up to you and pour her heart out. I bet she is sad and lonely inside.

Also, do you know the circumstances of her divorce? Did her husband cheat emotionally on her? Did she on him? That may have scared her greatly. She may be traumatized by what she went through, and see those ghosts everywhere. She might think she is saving you pain by warning you about emotional cheating.

I think often people who seem judgmental are just acting out of great fear. They are trying to keep themselves safe by trying to regulate other people's behavior. We see this on TAM every day in some sub-forums.

Again, if you are good with what you are doing, consider this her issue. Try to see her through eyes of compassion. And don't let her insecurities change what you have established is non-harmful, and even helpful, for you and yours.


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## JEH718 (Dec 15, 2013)

breeze - Thank you so much for shedding some light on this issue! It is nice to know there is a couple out there who is also very close friends with another married couple. I took in everything you said and agree I have to be on guard. Mary was always closer with Jessica, but she and I never had any issues. However, save for a handful of times over the course of her years of marriage I really never saw her so she could be a completely different person especially darkened by her divorce. My first instinct actually was to tell Jessica what happened, but I really have to think about what to say if anything. I don't think Jessica would ever feel I am crossing any barriers with her her husband even if Mary did say something, but I agree with you that I have to be really extra careful with this scenario. Thanks for the advice.

jld - Thank you for all the questions I never really considered. I was just so irked by her accusation that I had no time to think. Mary has been somewhat open about her divorce, but if I am being honest it was no surprise the marriage failed. When it came to men, she was always clear-headed and fast-paced and refused to have a voice so if somebody wanted to take advantage of her they could. She was with her former husband for maybe about ten months (they definitely had not hit the year mark yet) before they got engaged and then she was pregnant a couple of months before they tied the knot. After they got married they lived here for one more year about before they packed up and moved to be closer to his family. My observation during that one year is that she seemed happy, but overwhelmed at the same time. The few times I saw her there after it was hard to detect because we just went out as just us girls. 

When explaining her divorce, she said they just always seemed to want different things. Children was a big issue as he wanted one more and after having her son, she decided one was enough. She never mentioned anything about cheating, but perhaps there is more to the story that she has not yet revealed. He ex-husband never seemed the cheating type, but who knows. I have no immediate plans to see her again as of now, but perhaps when things have calmed down I can ask her about her take activity-wise on what it means to cheat emotionally. Thanks so much for your input!


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I think Mary is jealous and, while your friendships might not be typical, they sound perfectly healthy to me and I think you all are lucky.

I have a single friend (female) who is BFFs with a man she works with, and he's married. She's just as close with his wife. Works for them .

I hope your dreams of becoming a mommy are realized very soon <3 <3.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Mary is a jealous drama queen. Drop her like a hot rock.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JEH718 (Dec 15, 2013)

SecondTime'Round - Thank you so much. I would love nothing more to be a mom. <3 I appreciate your positive wishes. I have not tried since, but I will get back on the horse soon.

happy as a clam - Thanks so much for listening and for your input.


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