# Husband not willing to quit affair.



## Kathy25 (Jun 20, 2011)

Husband not willing to quit affair.

I recently found out my that my husband who I have been together with for 30 years and married to for 24 years has been having an affair for the past 2 years.
He says that he is being totally honest with me in that he doesn't know if he will end the affair.He says she is a good friend and they just clicked.They meet up for 5 days at his hotel when he travels overseas every six weeks or so.He says he has no plans for the future with her ,when asked about this.(I read in a forum she contributes to that he wants to be together with her but that that will have to be after he retires.)That would be in ten years.
This is extremely hurtful as we had never ever had time away from home without children until about 2 years ago when we had a weekend together(After the affair had started)

He says he has been unhappy in our relationship for a few years now.Yes we have had many difficulties for several years.She is single and has been divorced three times and also is a friend of his sister.
His mother and brother who live nearby are supportive towards me and think she sounds like a real airhead and can't understand why he hasn't told her it is finished.(I googled her name and found a lot of personal information she had contributed to an online forum.)

I am thinking of exposing her to her employer and sending her an email asking her to end the affair.
My husband has said he will go to counseling but said "lets get the process started".I said that sounds like you are wanting to tick the box required before divorce.He says he is willing to work on her relationship but I feel he is not genuine.
Now that I have put pressure on him by explaining that we can't work on our marriage if he won't quit the affair, remove his passwords on his computer and phone, he says he will move out. 
He said this will take time as we can't really afford this.
My older children 20 and 21 will not speak to him.My youngest son who is 14 year old gets along with him well.
I am not keen on marriage counseling unless I can't find someone experienced in dealing with verbal abuse.I can't see that any that advertise that in my city.
Not sure whether to spend money for an "online lone ranger " help your marriage course .Has anyone found it saved their marriage?
I have lost a lot of my confidence over the years and am not currently earning an income as he had never wanted me to work and now would have to do a six month refresher to go back to a career I am not interested in.
Any advice or insights would be appreciated.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You might get more replies in the infidelity forum. But...

If he's not willing to end the affair and be transparent about it ending, any form of reconciliation and healing is rather pointless. And this is coming from someone who cheated on their spouse. Rather than worry about a marriage counsellor, you might get more useful input from a lawyer and individual counsellor.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

First, I would advise you against contacting her employer or emailing her directly. As satisfying a thought as that might be for you, she could attack you legally for harassing her, and unless she is in a very public position that could embarres the employer they are not going to give a damn what she does in her personal life. Although many do not agree with me, the other reason not to do so is because the other woman is not the problem here, your husband is. If you do not fix your husband there are millions of "other women" available who he will go after next if you succeed in chasing this woman away. So target your energy at the source of the problem, your husband.

Telling you straight out that he is not going to end the affair is not only arrogant but clearly disrespectful of both you as a person and the marriage. He's got a hot chick that's been divorced three times!?!?! GOOD LUCK to him, he'll be number four I can almost guarantee.

My advice to you is to do a "180". Tell him you love him but wish him luck in his new relationship. Then tell him you will be contacting a divorce attorney to start the process and also work out the level of child support and spousal support that you will ask the court to impose.

You don't have a lot of choices here that I can see. You are correct that the marriage can not be worked on if he is continuing the affair and not amenable to stopping contact completely with the other woman.

I know it is easier said than done, but you would be better off without this man in your life.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

I would not waste your money on an online course to save your marriage. It won't help if he isn't willing to give up his other woman.

I would post on the infidelity forum of this website and also go to survivinginfidelity dot com, which is another support forum like this. It is free and deals only with infidelity issues. It is the best resource out there for good advice.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Kathy25 said:


> Husband not willing to quit affair.
> 
> *He says that he is being totally honest with me in that he doesn't know if he will end the affair*.


Then tell him you are being totally honest with him and are done with the marriage. Tell him he can leave.

No point in marriage counselling as long as both parties are not committed to the marriage and whiel an affair is still actively taking place.

He's already told you what his deal is. So you can either tolerate living in an open marriage or remove yourself as an option completely.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

All I had to do was read the first sentence. The rest was irrelevant...if he doesn't want to end the affair, kick him to the curb!!


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

bigtoe said:


> first, i would advise you against contacting her employer or emailing her directly. As satisfying a thought as that might be for you, she could attack you legally for harassing her, and unless she is in a very public position that could embarres the employer they are not going to give a damn what she does in her personal life. Although many do not agree with me, the other reason not to do so is because the other woman is not the problem here, your husband is. If you do not fix your husband there are millions of "other women" available who he will go after next if you succeed in chasing this woman away. So target your energy at the source of the problem, your husband.
> 
> Telling you straight out that he is not going to end the affair is not only arrogant but clearly disrespectful of both you as a person and the marriage. He's got a hot chick that's been divorced three times!?!?! Good luck to him, he'll be number four i can almost guarantee.
> 
> ...


this!


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

BigToes advice is spot on. See an attorney.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Don't discuss it at all until you get your ducks in a row. Copy ALL financial papers you can find (yes, even if you think he will be nice and friendly and helpful....it doesn't always work out that simple). Copy the past 3 years tax returns, vehicle titles, insurance policies, phone statements, credit card statements, bank statements, paycheck stubs, even start saving household reciepts so you'll really know what you are looking at financially. Research online about divorce laws and support in your state. Call around and find out which attorneys give free consultations. Go see them... write out a list of questions or concerns that you have. See more than one of them, and add to your list of questions as you go. 

Some SAHM's say to start stashing money. Because no matter how much the wandering spouse promises to "take care of you and the kid/s"... it costs alot to run two households. You have to look out for yourself. Some SAHM's store up on household goods...buying extra without being obvious and tipping their hand. It's a way to help get your ducks in a row and get to a little bit more confident place in case you need/decide to kick him to the curb.

You don't have to discuss anything with him. He has checked out of the marriage and is just staying because it's easier and cheaper than not. ICK. I hate that for you. 

Educate yourself about your options. Knowledge is power. And I'd go back to school on his dime while you can....


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## Kathy25 (Jun 20, 2011)

Thanks for all the replys.It is depressing taking on board the reality of the situation and I am still alternating between thinking I can work on our marriage and other days realizing that may be futile.
I have taken on board the advice about copying paperwork and will see a lawyer for good preparation.
He has recently removed his requests for travel to UK where they meet,though I will look online nearer to the closing date to see if that has been reinstated.
I am leaving shortly after he returns in a few days to visit my mother who is unwell.I will be away 10 days so that will give him some space.


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