# Wife Had Affair With My Life Long Best Mate



## Justanotherstory

Found out 3 days before x mas when i caught them. Had felt it was happening and had asked but they both denied at the start of the year. Lately i was sure so i set them up and sure enough i was right. Seems it's being going on nearly 3 years. We are married 10+ years and have 2 kids.

Ignore him (friends since 6, best mate since 18. We were each other's best men etc etc) for a while. My wife and i are talking and trying to get through it. I'm in bits and cant stop crying. I know I need to get over the victim (eventually) and to forgive her if we are to get through this. These may take time but I'm open to hopefully being able to solve these. I really love her (I detest obv what she did). She wants to stay, has said all the right things, has 100% taken responsibility. She has also said how she fell into it. Again while totally unacceptable I can see how.

For those who have been here before my concerns are,

1: Sex. She admitted it and i only know the bare minimum. This is what is tearing me apart and makes me feel sick inside. Will I ever lose this feeling in my stomach? I want to / dont want to know ever detail. I presume if I do it will make things worse but is it better to find out everything and then try to deal with it? 

2: I physically feel at the moment as if I dont even want to kiss, never mind anything else, will this pass?

3: Will the vile bitterness for her actions heal?

I have revenge plans for him obv (all above board) but will leave that until I sort out my own house first.

Any advice would be good, thanks.


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## tom67

Wow that's bad. You may have to ask her to move out for awhile so you can deal with this. Tell her she has to write a timeline of the affair, the whole truth because you may have her take a polygraph test to get it. How old are the kids? DNA test for both may be in order.


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## tom67

How did you catch them just curious.


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## CleanJerkSnatch

You will be a changed man from here on out.

Your wife has changed your marriage forever.

You need to ditch your best man, forgive him but do not talk to him anymore.

You need to stop planning revenge. It does not help you heal. The best "revenge" is to overcome yourself and become better and stronger than before even if you stay with your wife, even better if you leave your wife.

Your mind will have mind movies for a long time, the more details you get the more high def those movies become. I will sum it up for you, she has done everything and even things she was never willing to do for you with this "friend". He wasn't better than you, its just the high of dopamine and the excitement in the mind that makes it great. It fades fast, especially when cheaters get together they always end up losing and they do not even know it or see it living miserable lives and causing disastrous damage to families and children which in turn cause a chain reaction of constant error generation to generation.

Start detaching. It is normal to feel disgusted at even the sight of a cheating spouse.

Here is the 180.

The Healing Heart: The 180

This is for you, not for your wife. Recollect your life. None of this is your fault. Admonish the sinner, she chose to cheat and you had no partaking of it. You did not condone it or make her do it, it was all her decision.

Kill all contact with your "best man", do not let him come near your family, just ignore them. Do not show emotions, not even anger or sadness or resentment towards him. If you ever speak to him, tell him you only never expected him to partake in this offense against your marriage and leave it at that. Do not answer his phone calls or texts etc. 

Expose all of this to everyone and anyone, if he is married expose to his wife, if they work together expose to HR etc.


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## JMGrey

Justanotherstory said:


> Found out 3 days before x mas when i caught them. Had felt it was happening and had asked but they both denied at the start of the year. Lately i was sure so i set them up and sure enough i was right. Seems it's being going on nearly 3 years. We are married 10+ years and have 2 kids.
> 
> Ignore him (friends since 6, best mate since 18. We were each other's best men etc etc) for a while. My wife and i are talking and trying to get through it. I'm in bits and cant stop crying. I know I need to get over the victim (eventually) and to forgive her if we are to get through this. These may take time but I'm open to hopefully being able to solve these. I really love her (I detest obv what she did). She wants to stay, has said all the right things, has 100% taken responsibility. She has also said how she fell into it. Again while totally unacceptable I can see how.
> 
> For those who have been here before my concerns are,
> 
> 1: Sex. She admitted it and i only know the bare minimum. This is what is tearing me apart and makes me feel sick inside. Will I ever lose this feeling in my stomach? I want to / dont want to know ever detail. I presume if I do it will make things worse but is it better to find out everything and then try to deal with it?
> 
> 2: I physically feel at the moment as if I dont even want to kiss, never mind anything else, will this pass?
> 
> 3: Will the vile bitterness for her actions heal?
> 
> I have revenge plans for him obv (all above board) but will leave that until I sort out my own house first.
> 
> Any advice would be good, thanks.


Demand immediate no-contact. Cut this guy out of your life; a man that will bed the wife of his best friend, with whom he stood at the altar, is unworthy of your friendship or your trust.

Before you bother to find out what she wants to do, decide if you can live with it. Can you stay with the marriage with the knowledge of what she's done? Pursuant to that, demand that she tell you everything, and I mean _everything_. Chapter, verse, jot and tittle. Demand total transparency for the foreseeable future. Phone, email, social networking, the works.

If she balks at any of this, start the 180 and be prepared to lose her if you have to.


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## CleanJerkSnatch

Oh btw, read up on BFF's thead.

Search on this forum for BFF and read his thread.

He has the same situation you did except he did not have any children.

His longtime best friend had relations with his wife.


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## tom67

CleanJerkSnatch said:


> Oh btw, read up on BFF's thead.
> 
> Search on this forum for BFF and read his thread.
> 
> He has the same situation you did except he did not have any children.
> 
> His longtime best friend had relations with his wife.


Oh God that was a 6 year affair.


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## walkonmars

I could never EVER forgive a double betrayal because it would eat at me every second of every day.

If my appendix burst I would have it removed before it infected my body and killed me. I see this type of betrayal in the same way.

If you really want to try to save this marriage start by sitting her down with a notebook, pen, and calendar. Tell her to write EVERYTHING down. 

Reasons
Places
Activities (all physial activities in detail)
Accomplices (friends &other people who knew or supported them)

You don't have to read any or all of it but it establishes a baseline to determine if she's truthful & it tells you if she is truly remorseful or just trying to appease you until you settle down.

Start with this.

Don't even think of doing physical harm to the "friend". You will only wind up in trouble and it really won't accomplish much.


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## walkonmars

CleanJerkSnatch said:


> Oh btw, read up on BFF's thead.
> 
> Search on this forum for BFF and read his thread.
> 
> He has the same situation you did except he did not have any children.
> 
> His longtime best friend had relations with his wife.


Find "oldmittens" thread. His wife of 20 yrs had a 2 yr sexual affair with his bf since childhood. He tried to reconcile for a few months and she was very and truly remorseful. But in the end he just couldn't overcome the blow to his heart. He left her after a few months. He found someone else who treats him right. His kids are okay. Her? Shes an alcoholic mess.

Good luck.


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## ThreeStrikes

Justanotherstory said:


> I really love her (I detest obv what she did).


Actually, you love the idealistic image of her that you have created in your head. The non-cheating wife. Realize that she is not that person. Much of your marriage has been a farce.

Sorry you are here. Personally, I don't think I could get over this one. Even if she was remorseful and did all the things necessary to prove it. 

A man's gotta have some self-respect, you know?


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## kenmoore14217

you throw her fat arse out!! You don't go around begging her to stay for God's sake. That's exactly what she wants. Where is the respect, please, where is it?????????


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## 3putt

Gonna stay out of this one, but thinking about you. This exact same thing happened to me 20 years ago. Best friend, in our wedding, etc. I divorced, but I can tell you this; expect the triggers from this to happen for a looooooong time.

You wouldn't believe the triggers I'm experiencing right now, and like I said, it was 20 years ago.

This is about as callous as it gets.


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## Justanotherstory

tom67 said:


> How did you catch them just curious.


Had the kids go for a sleep over. Invited him over and had a make believe text about going to work at 10pm instead of 1am. Had a camera pen in the room, came back an hour later and watched the great news when he had gone and she went to bed.


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## mahike

It does not matter if you R or D, I think it is best to know what, how and how often it happened. In my case not know was making it worse. I have all the ugly on the table. I read the emails, texts, pictures video and made her tell me everthing. It hurt but the hurt is all out there. I have nothing more lurking out there to hurt me again. Your call but that is how I felt about it.


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## Plan 9 from OS

She cheated on you for 3 years and to add insult to injury it was with your best friend? Sit back for a moment and let that soak in. She did not respect you because she had a 3 year affair and chose someone who was very close to you to have the affair with. This so called best friend stabbed you in the back on top of that as well. What else did she do during these 3 years while she was boinking your friend? Did she blame you for marital problems? Did she cut you off from sex so that she could be fresh for her affair partner? Did she lose weight for him? Did she buy a new wardrobe that was ultimately for him? Sexy undies for him? C'mon man, open your eyes and see this for what it really is. 

Whatever you do, DO NOT begin your thought process with the idea "well, we spent 10 years together and I don't want to see that wasted...". You CANNOT think like this. In economics and business, there is a concept called "sunk cost". Just because you spent a lot of time and effort these past 10 years with this woman, it does not mean that you should consider staying with her because of the 10 prior years. Staying with her because you took the length of time you spent with her into account could be analogous to continuing to invest in a bad investment, i.e. "throwing money down a rat hole". 

If my wife cheated on me with my best friend for 3 years, I'd divorce her and never consider reconciling with her EVER. If you don't have any kids, you have nothing holding you to her. If I were you I'd walk away forever. If you could swing it, I'd also move, change my cell phone and anything else that I need to so that this woman could never come into contact with me again unless she spent a lot of money on a PI. JMHO...


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## Justanotherstory

JMGrey said:


> Demand immediate no-contact. Cut this guy out of your life; a man that will bed the wife of his best friend, with whom he stood at the altar, is unworthy of your friendship or your trust.
> 
> I met him the next day so he is gone.
> 
> Before you bother to find out what she wants to do, decide if you can live with it. Can you stay with the marriage with the knowledge of what she's done? Pursuant to that, demand that she tell you everything, and I mean _everything_. Chapter, verse, jot and tittle. Demand total transparency for the foreseeable future. Phone, email, social networking, the works.
> 
> Feel I need to do this before I can move on.
> 
> If she balks at any of this, start the 180 and be prepared to lose her if you have to.


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## warlock07

You love the memories of her. You love what she used to be. But your wife changed into a different person. It did not happen once. It was not a drunk accident. It happened for 3 years. She repeatedly denied it. They took great lengths to hide the whole thing. And she cheated with your best friend. betrayals don't come bigger than this. Why do you want to waste your life with this sad excuse of a human being ? Leave about infidelity, can you respect her after this ? Can you trust her again after this ?

She might be saying the right things because she has few other options. She does not want to be known as a cheater in the community and her friends. Maybe she is financially dependent on you. Or maybe your "friend" dumped her and she no other options. 

You were very smart when you set them up. Now remain smart and divorce her immediately. if she is remorseful, let her win you back after the divorce. Do you think she will try to win you back or will start dating other people ?


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## JMGrey

Justanotherstory said:


> JMGrey said:
> 
> 
> 
> Demand immediate no-contact. Cut this guy out of your life; a man that will bed the wife of his best friend, with whom he stood at the altar, is unworthy of your friendship or your trust.
> 
> 
> 
> I met him the next day so he is gone.
Click to expand...

Good riddance to bad rubbish.



Justanotherstory said:


> JMGrey said:
> 
> 
> 
> Before you bother to find out what she wants to do, decide if you can live with it. Can you stay with the marriage with the knowledge of what she's done? Pursuant to that, demand that she tell you everything, and I mean everything. Chapter, verse, jot and tittle. Demand total transparency for the foreseeable future. Phone, email, social networking, the works.
> 
> 
> 
> Feel I need to do this before I can move on.
Click to expand...

Totally your call, I wasn't suggesting that you go immediately for the D. But while you're sussing things out, and especially if you start on the 180, it might not be a bad idea to engage a solicitor to start thinking about an exit procedure if necessary.


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## naga75

yeah the best friend thing....that would be the straw that broke naga's back.
at least my wife had the decency to fuvk someone who i didnt know.
/sarcasm

i dont think i would be able to recover from a situation like this. i know i wouldnt if either one of them was in my life.
you do have kids, so you will have to deal with her in some way. i would make it as minimal as possible.



> Whatever you do, DO NOT begin your thought process with the idea "well, we spent 10 years together and I don't want to see that wasted...". You CANNOT think like this. In economics and business, there is a concept called "sunk cost". Just because you spent a lot of time and effort these past 10 years with this woman, it does not mean that you should consider staying with her because of the 10 prior years. Staying with her because you took the length of time you spent with her into account could be analogous to continuing to invest in a bad investment, i.e. "throwing money down a rat hole".


i totally agree with this.


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## Justanotherstory

Some great stuff so far, cheers...I know the BF thing is massive but I'm not going to say **** that and just end it. This may still happen but I need to see if I can deal with it and then see whether we can.

When I didn't know but suspected it, I had my mind made up that if it was true then she was gone out of the house and he was going to get it (he still will.. and yes nothing to harm him) Reality though is different and living in the situation is far far different than how I thought the last few days would be.


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## warlock07

Tell his family. And tell your wife's family on what she did.

Please don't let kids be the reason you want to reconcile with her. Think about it. She doesn't love you even if she says she does. She must be pretty detached from you to f*ck your friend for 3 years. You don't realize it yet but you will soon see it. Imagine you doing it to your wife and still loving her. That doesn't happen.



> She has also said how she fell into it. Again while totally unacceptable I can see how.


Yeah, your friend manipulated her. Is that what she said ? You would have to be a fool to believe this. Remember, he did you wife in your house, in your bed. If it wasn't you wife that allowed it, it wouldn't have happened.

Is he in a relationship ? Tell his SO. And you should probably tell his family what he did to you.




> She wants to stay, has said all the right things, has 100% taken responsibility.


So much clarity and honesty immediately after getting caught!

have you considered how long she planned to continue doing this if she wasn't caught ??


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## warlock07

One more thing, what would be deal breaker or you ? Isn't this enough ? What can she do to make you divorce her ?

Read this thread

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/35927-she-he-did-things-him-her.html

This thread is a killer but you will have to face it if you do plan to take her back!!


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## naga75

yes it always seems to be.
i told myself when i found out about my wifes affair, that she had to come clean and tell me everything, and if i found out different, we were DONE.
so she did.
then i found out she didnt.
and i stayed.
but i told her if i found out any different, we were DONE.
and then i found out more.
and i stayed.
lol.
dont talk yourself into staying.
im mostly happy that i did, but i have times that i most CERTAINLY question that decision, kids or not.
but i have made tremendous changes in myself, and so has my wife.
the same old-same old isnt going to work any more. 
if your wife is willing to pony up, sure... it can be salvaged IMO.
i wish you luck!


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## TDSC60

She wanted to keep the affair secret because you provided a home, finances, security and he provided wild, inappropriate sex. She was a cake eater. She had both and was very happy with that arrangement. She has no feelings for you. She screwed this guy IN YOUR HOUSE at every opportunity. She probably had him in your bed. I could not get over that level of disrespect.

Both of them continued to lie to you even when they were approached. See, you did not even deserve to know the truth in their opinion - you are not even worth that to them.

Your choice, but what she has done does not deserve a second chance.


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## 3putt

Justanotherstory said:


> he was going to get it (he still will.. and yes nothing to harm him)


Oh, I got my POSOM back _real_ good; I let him have her. Word is they're miserable and stuck. Was told I wouldn't even recognize her as she now weighs about 3 times what she did when I married her. The really funny part is he left his first wife because of extreme obesity.

:rofl:


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## walkonmars

Justanotherstory said:


> Some great stuff so far, cheers...I know the BF thing is massive but I'm not going to say **** that and just end it.


Fair enough. But she didn't have any trouble at all saying "fuucck it, I want some of that!" three years sgo.

She didn't give it a second thought two years ago.

It didn't phase her in the least a year ago.

They both giggled after lying to your face a few months ago.

She couldn't wait for you to leave early a few nights ago.

BUT NOW? She sees "the light". 
She has no shame! None whatsoever.

She can't wait to be a faithful wife. But its been so long since she's been that it's going to seem foreign to her. 

Please don't let her pull the wool over your eyes. It's clear, even to the most casual observer, that she lost respect for you so very long ago.


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## Toffer

JAS,

How old are the kids?


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## tom67

Toffer said:


> JAS,
> 
> How old are the kids?


I know it's a shock but DNA the kids please.


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## Bugz Bunny

Well this is a brutal one...

This is the worst kind of affairs,this and an affair with a family member...actually the only worse thing could be if she got pregnant by him...

And now to try and open your eyes a little bit...and I will only point out obvious facts:

She ****ed your best friend for 3 years.The affair was in your house (what a disrespect) probably in your marital bed...They made a fool of you all this time an especially when the three of you where together...You probably noticed their behavior and looks or eye contact when the three of you where together...

He was your best friend since childhood so you know how he looks,you probably talked about sex and girls in all this years and this will probably cause you terrible mind movies...

The things that I wrote above will always haunt you and this will especially be the case in your situation because it was a betrayal by the two most important people in your life...

You can try and reconcile with her but it wont work my friend because all this things that I wrote above will always be on your mind 24/7...

They say time heals.Yes it heals but not in situations where the OM is a "best friend" of many years...Why not? Because he was associated/present in probably every aspect (positive or negative) of your life and whatever memory you think about even a happy memory he will be present and then you will immediately think about what he did to you and then you will start to fight with your wife and be disgusted with her and the resentment will grove and then the children will suffer and this will be a circle the will be repeated for decades...It will never go away,you will just forget about it for a minute,hour or a day at best and then it will pop up again in your head...

Have you exposed the affair ? If not you should expose it to your and her family and POSOMs family and friends so that other friends can watch and protect their wives and families from him...

And no matter how many time she invests in trying to figure out why it will never be good enough for you,because in reality there is never a good reason and never a good why for what she did and especially in this type of affair...

This kind of affairs where the OM is a best friend of many years are actually the only affairs where I am more angry with the AP then WS because he was like family and probably even more important to you then some members of your family,he knew your life better then anyone,all your troubles,your fears,he knew your secrets that probably no one else knew about and he betrayed you in the worst way possible...They probably made fun of you when they were together for all this years...

As for your wife.She doesnt love you and every single word that comes out of her mouth is a lie...She is only sorry she got caught and will now say anything just to stay with you and save her a$$ from humiliation...In the end you busted her,otherwise she would probably be ****ing the OM as we speak...A person who loves and respects you will never do such a disgusting thing to you...

My post is maybe a little bit harsh but I hope after digesting everything that you will read on your thread you will open your eyes and find your self respect and start taking control of your life...

My advice to you is to expose,file for divorce and start moving forward and rebuilding your life so that your children can have at least one healthy and normal parent...

Good Luck...


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## CleanJerkSnatch

Justanotherstory said:


> Had the kids go for a sleep over. Invited him over and had a make believe text about going to work at 10pm instead of 1am. Had a camera pen in the room, came back an hour later and watched the great news when he had gone and she went to bed.


I am a very callous guy but when I read this, I felt it.

That is so disgusting. Every time you kiss your wife, touch her, you'll know that another man has done anything and everything to her wherever you lay your touch, and worse, lips.....


Give yourself a rest, a mind rest. Settle your thoughts, think things thoroughly.

Cheaters are always ahead of the BS. Now you can be ahead. Like chess you have to think your actions through 2 moves ahead. Try to avoid alcohol and definitely eat healthy and exercise. Those are a must.


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## carmen ohio

Justanotherstory said:


> Found out 3 days before x mas when i caught them. Had felt it was happening and had asked but they both denied at the start of the year. Lately i was sure so i set them up and sure enough i was right. Seems it's being going on nearly 3 years. We are married 10+ years and have 2 kids.
> 
> Ignore him (friends since 6, best mate since 18. We were each other's best men etc etc) for a while. My wife and i are talking and trying to get through it. I'm in bits and cant stop crying. I know I need to get over the victim (eventually) and to forgive her if we are to get through this. These may take time but I'm open to hopefully being able to solve these. I really love her (I detest obv what she did). She wants to stay, has said all the right things, has 100% taken responsibility. She has also said how she fell into it. Again while totally unacceptable I can see how.
> 
> For those who have been here before my concerns are,
> 
> 1: Sex. She admitted it and i only know the bare minimum. This is what is tearing me apart and makes me feel sick inside. Will I ever lose this feeling in my stomach? I want to / dont want to know ever detail. I presume if I do it will make things worse but is it better to find out everything and then try to deal with it?
> 
> 2: I physically feel at the moment as if I dont even want to kiss, never mind anything else, will this pass?
> 
> 3: Will the vile bitterness for her actions heal?
> 
> I have revenge plans for him obv (all above board) but will leave that until I sort out my own house first.
> 
> Any advice would be good, thanks.


Dear Jas,

Based on what you have said so far, I understand that you wish to try to reconcile with your WW and save your marriage. Please understand that this may be harder to do than you realize, for a few reasons. First, it depends upon whether your WW is willing and able to do the hard things that reconciliation require. Second, it depends on your ability to _eventually_ forgive her and accept what she has done. Given how little time you have had to mentally and emotionally process this, let me suggest that you not make any decisions just yet.

Instead, your first task is to learn the extent of your WW's betrayal. Understand that most unfaithful spouses only reveal what they absolutely have to. Also understand that apologies and tears are often a smoke-screen designed to allow the affair to continue. And finally, understand that, even when the unfaithful spouse wants to stop the affair, she may have such strong feelings for the OM that she can't.

Your second task is to do whatever you can to end the affair (realizing that there is only so much that you can do and that, for the most part, it will be up to your WW to do this). Unless and until the affair has ended, you cannot successfully reconcile no matter how much you want to or how hard you try.

It is also important for you to realize that, at the moment, the only bargaining chip you have is your willingness to end the marriage if your WW won't do what she needs to to fix herself. For that reason, it is important that, before you say you forgive her or that you want to save your marriage, you let her know that divorce is a real possibility. That will start to get her head back into the real world (right now, she is still in the "fog" of her love affair with the OM) and will let her know that she is dealing with a strong man rather than a wimp (a critical issue since, at the moment, there is another, stronger man in her life).

Having let her know that her marriage hangs by a thread if she doesn't do what you want, I suggest you tell your WW the following.

(1) She will tell you everything that happened between her and the OM and then, if you ask her to, take a polygraph test to prove that she's told you the whole truth (the purpose of asking for a polygraph test is to encourage her to tell you the full truth for fear of being found out if she doesn't).

(2) She will write the OM a letter saying that she believes their continuing to have any further contact would jeopardize her marriage and instructing him not to contact her again. She will give you the letter so that you can mail it. She will never contact him again nor respond to any communications from him, and she will tell you of any attempts on the OM's part to contact her.

(3) She will be an open book to you, letting you see all her e-mails and text messages whenever and for as long as you like. She will also stop going out with others if you are not present.

(4) She will reveal to both hers and your family, close friends, etc., what she has done (exposing the affair is critical both to learn if she is really sorry and to let others know that she, not you, is responsible if your marriage fails).

(5) She will work with you to identify what went wrong in your marriage that may have contributed to her straying (the MC should greatly help here).

These are commonly suggested steps to ensure that an inappropriate relationship is truly and finally ended so that the reconciliation process can begin. You don't have to ask for all of them and their may be others things you need her to do. Just make sure you think about what you need and tell her about all of them. You will only get one chance at this.

If she balks, you must tell her that you will end the marriage. You must be prepared to say this and say it like you mean it (even if you don't).

Prepare yourself for this conversation (know exactly what you're going to say). Have it in a place and at a time where and when you both are comfortable (arrange this in advance and tell her that she needs to be prepared to have a serious conversation). When you deliver your message be firm but calm. Don't raise your voice or do anything else that would make her uncomfortable. If she gives you excuses why she shouldn't have to do some of the things you ask, don't argue with her. Simply say something like, "I told you what I want. I'm not forcing you to do anything but instead giving you a chance to work with me to fix our marriage. If you can't or won't do what I ask, I will accept that, but then I don't want to be your H anymore because I don't want to spend the rest of my life with someone that I don't trust and who is not prepared to do the hard work necessary to have a great marriage."

This may sound extreme but, right now, you need to know whether your WW really wants to save her marriage, and the only way you are going to learn this is to make it clear to her that you are prepared to end it if she's not willing to give you what you need from her.

Check out some of the other stories on this site and elsewhere on the web and you will learn that, for most women, even "good" women, it is only the realization that their marriage is on the line that brings them to their senses. Also, please understand that what most women really want is for their husband to be a stand up kind of man who leads them gently but firmly while providing them with their basic needs like security, respect and affection (including lots of sex). This may be the 21st century but our genetic make up is largely unchanged since the days when human beings literally had to fight for survival. This means that women are attracted most strongly to men who know what they want and go out and get it. It also means that the best way to lose her (now or sometime in the future) is to be whiny, indecisive and fearful. No women worth having wants a H like that.

Another things you should consider is how you are going to monitor your WW's behavior to make sure she actually breaks off all contact with the OM. Getting a VAR and installing it in her car is the usual suggestion. Just be aware that the legality of this in some states is somewhat up in the air at the moment. 

Finally, as others have said, you need to take care of your physical and mental health. This will test you like you've never been tested before and you will need strength and mental clarity to deal with it.

BTW, whatever happens between you and your W, you would benefit greatly from checking out

Blog | Married Man Sex Life

I hope you find this helpful and, whatever you decide to do, I wish the best for you and your family.


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## WyshIknew

Chapparal usually posts this. Print it off and show to your wife.






chapparal said:


> *Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners.
> 
> The Sea of Stress is Difficult to Understand.
> 
> YOU BETRAYED YOUR PARTNER. NOW COMES THE FALLOUT.
> 
> They discovered your adultery. You ended the affair and promised you’ll never cheat again. But the stress from their emotional devastation lingers. And you don’t see much change – at least, not as much positive change as you expected. Many times, any visible changes are for the worse. You observe them bouncing back and forth like a ping-pong ball, moment to moment, from one emotion to the next. They’re unpredictable. There’s no discernable pattern. Their nerves are frayed. They can’t sleep. They can’t eat. Their thoughts are obsessive. Intrusive visions and flashbacks assault them without warning. They cry at the drop of a hat. They feel empty, used up, exhausted. The stress consumes their energy and their life until they feel like there’s nothing left. It’s terrible.
> 
> It’s an ordeal for you to witness their tortured, depressed and angry states, and what’s worse; you don’t know what to do. You’re not alone. Unfaithful spouses never dream they’ll get busted, so when confronted with their adultery they’re always caught by surprise; first by their partners’ knowledge, then by their intense agony. Indeed, unfaithful partners never think about what they’ll face “after” until after. The fact is: Though they inflict it, adulterers are unprepared for the onslaught of their spouses’ overwhelming emotional distress. Is this real? Is this permanent?
> 
> As you watch them sink lower and lower, wallowing in an emotional abyss, you wonder where the bottom is, when they will hit it, and if they will ever ascend from it and return to “normal.” You ask yourself, “Is this real?” Then you ask, “Will this ever end?”
> 
> The simple answers are: Yes, it is real. And, yes, it will end. But recovery takes a long time, often years, and much depends on you. Can you be remorseful, apologetic, loving, patient, empathetic and soothing over an extended period of time? Can you commit to openness and honesty at all times – and forevermore being faithful to your spouse?
> 
> Be honest with yourself: If you can’t or don’t want to get over your affair, if you don’t feel shame and remorse, and if you can’t generously provide appropriate support to your spouse, then now is the time to consider ending your marriage and spare your marital partner further pain. (If this is the case, you need not read any further.)
> 
> But if you have put the affair permanently behind you, if you feel and can freely express your remorse and shame for your unfaithfulness, and if you can commit to supporting your spouse through their excruciating anguish, then you have an excellent chance of rebuilding from this disaster you’ve wrought to a happy, satisfying, caring and loving marriage. The following is intended to help you help your partner, and in turn yourself, through this horrible time and jumpstart your journey to recovery.
> 
> So, take a couple of deep breaths… and let’s start with three foundational facts:
> 
> What you’re seeing in your spouse is a normal reaction to a life-changing event.
> 
> Your spouse needs to grieve for as long as it takes in order to recover and heal.
> 
> You can be a positive influence on their recovery.
> 
> Now, go back and reread them several times. Let them really sink in. When you can repeat them without looking, continue.
> 
> Your first mission is to learn.
> 
> Learning about your partner’s myriad reactions to your betrayal allows you to recognize, understand and properly respond to them as they occur. Doing so will help you get through
> this horrible initial stage, which can last a long time.
> Below you’ll find a little of what your spouse is probably experiencing. They may shift from one reaction to another, or they could experience multiple reactions concurrently. And don’t be surprised if they return to previous states many times. Where applicable, we’ve added some tips to help you to assist your partner through this. In some cases, however, there may be little for you to do except to simply “be there.”
> 
> Most importantly, remember at all times: Your infidelity has traumatized your spouse. Act accordingly.
> 
> SECTION 1 - THE WILD PATCHWORK OF EMOTIONS
> 
> DISBELIEF: They expect to wake up any minute from this nightmare. It can’t be true. They don’t believe it. This is natural. They trusted you and don’t want to believe you did what you did. It is common for this to occur in the very first moments of discovery. (Note: If some time elapsed between the discovery of your affair and the confrontation, you may have missed this when it happened, but it is also possible for your spouse to return to disbelief.)
> 
> SHOCK: They are numb and often seem dazed. Their emotions are frozen. Their senses are dulled. They go through the motions mechanically, robotically, but can’t seem to apply sufficient concentration to their day-to-day lives.
> 
> REALITY: “Oh my God. It really happened.” They feel they’re getting worse. Actually, reality has just set in. It’s as if a ton of bricks just fell on them and they’re buried beneath them. They don’t know where to turn, or can’t. Don’t discount the likelihood that they feel shamed by your infidelity. So, they may be reluctant to seek support from friends and family. Be available to them for emotional support and encourage them to talk freely with anyone they choose. Suggest therapy as a means to help them through their trauma, but never accuse them of “being irrational” or “acting crazy.” Be supportive and encouraging. Commend them for seeking help.
> 
> CONFUSION: They’re disoriented. They can’t think straight. They become impatient, disorganized and forgetful. More frequently than usual they go to a room to retrieve something, but once they get there they can’t remember what it was. This is very upsetting to them. Bear with them. Be gentle and be helpful. Help them find their misplaced purse or locate their lost keys. Know that they will eventually come out of the fog. Also be aware that their confusion, as with other states listed here, may be set off or magnified by certain “triggers.” (Note: Read more about “triggers” below.)
> 
> PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS: They may sleep or eat too little – or too much. They may suffer physical aches and pains, numbness or weakness. They may feel unusually tense and develop headaches, abnormal tics, twitching or shaking. They may feel sick to their stomach and vomit, or their digestive system may react with constipation or diarrhea. Weight loss is common. Usually the symptoms fade gradually. If these symptoms persist, make sure they check with a doctor to rule out other causes. Encourage them to eat well and to exercise – but don’t nag. You might instead take control of their diet by preparing healthy, well balanced meals. If you don’t cook, take them to restaurants where you know they serve nourishing food and, if necessary, order for them. If they’re not exercising, initiate taking long walks together. It’s a good way to ease them into a healthy exercise regimen, which is always a good stress reliever, and will provide opportunity for you to begin constructively re-establishing your “couplehood.”
> 
> CRYING: Deep emotions suddenly well up, seeking release as crying, uncontrollable sobbing and even screaming out loud. Allow them their time for tears. They can help. So can you. When they cry, give them your shoulder. Hug them. Help them through it by gently encouraging them, to “get it all out.” Be certain to verbalize your remorse for causing their pain. They need to hear this from you. (Note: Right now, genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit. That is why you’ll see many more references below. Read “Apologize” in Section 2.)
> 
> SELF-CONTROL: They control their emotions to fulfill their responsibilities, or to simply rest from the pain. Self-control can shape and give rhythm to their grieving, but be on the lookout for constant and rigid self-control. It can block healing. They need to reduce their emotional pressure to regain equilibrium. Allow them to vent when it happens. Be aware: Too much self-control means they are storing up much anger and will release it powerfully, like floodwaters breaking through a dam. So don’t be alarmed if they suddenly lash out at you, your affair partner, or even themselves. Understand that the release of anger is necessary to heal. Though it may not feel this way to you when it happens, it’s beneficial.
> 
> NEED TO KNOW: They will ask lots of questions. Their curiosity may be insatiable or it may be limited. Different people have different needs and tolerances for information, but they need information to process their trauma, move through it, and move past it.
> 
> Let them set the agenda. Whenever they ask a question, whatever they ask, answer honestly and sufficiently. Refusing to answer gives the appearance that you’re still keeping them in the dark, that you still have something to hide. Do not hold anything back. If they discover later that you omitted or hid details, or if the facts they discover don’t match the story you tell, they’ll feel betrayed once again. Follow the delivery of each new piece of hurtful information with an apology, and soothe them with another promise that you’ll never again be unfaithful.
> 
> WHY: They ask, “Why did you do this?” They may or may not expect an answer, but they ask repeatedly. If they do want an answer, provide it – and answer honestly. Even if the question is rhetorical, be aware that the question itself, rhetorical or not, is a cry of pain. And each time they feel pain, it should be answered with another apology. (I can’t stress enough how important this is.) Be aware: Even if they are not verbalizing this to you, they are still silently asking the question “Why?” over and over and over again.
> 
> INJUSTICE: They feel it’s all so unfair. You invited danger, you took the risk, but they suffered injury. They want justice and begin to think like a vigilante. They may harbour a secret desire to do harm to you or your affair partner. They may want to get even by having a “revenge affair.”
> Understand that the aftermath of your unfaithfulness is an agony you have thrust upon them. Meanwhile, despite your betrayal and deceit, and the shame you feel, you and your affair partner may retain fond or even loving memories of your affair. One of my patients described her feelings of injustice this way: “I feel like a rape victim watching helplessly as the jury returns a ‘not guilty’ verdict. Then, the assailant looks at me, points his finger at me and laughs all the way out of the courtroom. How can this possibly happen?”
> 
> A sad truth of infidelity is: It is unfair. Of course, there is no “justice” that can come from this. Betrayed spouses generally settle into this realization on their own, but they need to know that you understand how this plagues them. (Note: Read “Share your feelings of guilt and shame” in Section 2. It explains the best way to help them through their sense of injustice.)
> 
> INADEQUACY: Their self esteem is shattered. They feel belittled, insignificant, and often even unlovable. Just as you would crumple a piece of scrap paper and toss it in the garbage without a second thought, they feel you crushed them, discarded them, and didn’t give them a second thought, either. So, they question their own value. They wonder if you truly love them – or if anyone could. They need to know why you now choose them over your affair partner, even if they don’t ask. Make your case convincingly. Be generous, but be genuine. They’ll know if you aren’t, and false flattery for the purpose of mere appeasement will only hurt them more.
> 
> REPEATING: Over and over again, they review the story, thinking the same thoughts. Do not attempt to stop them. Repeating helps them to absorb and process the painful reality. You can help them get through it by answering all their questions truthfully and filling in all the gaps for them. The more they know – the more they can repeat the complete story – the faster they process it, accept it and begin to heal. If the story remains incomplete or significant gaps are filled in later, they may have to start the process all over again.
> 
> IDEALIZING: Sometimes they remember only good memories, as if their time with you was perfect. They long to live in the past, before the affair came along and “messed it up.” Assure them that you, too, remember the good times, and want things to be good again. Remind them that you want an even better future, that you are willing to work at it, and, most importantly, that you want your future with them – and not your affair partner.
> 
> FRUSTRATION: Their past fulfillments are gone. They haven’t found new ones yet and don’t seem interested in finding any. They feel they’re not coping with grief “right” or they feel they should be healing faster. They don’t understand why the pain returns again and again. They wonder if they will ever recover and feel better. You can help them by verbalizing what they need to hear even if you don’t or can’t fully understand it yourself. Be empathetic and assure them that under the circumstances they’re doing okay. Remember that despite how much you have hurt them, you are still the one they chose as their life partner, for better or for worse. You may still be their closest confidante. As incongruous as it may seem, don’t be surprised if they choose to confide in you over others.
> 
> BITTERNESS: Feelings of resentment and hatred toward you and your paramour are to be expected. Don’t be surprised if they redirect much of the anger that’s really meant for you toward your paramour. This is natural. It’s actually a way of protecting their love for you during the early stages. By restricting their anger toward you, they allow it to be time-released, and only in smaller, more manageable amounts. Expect their anger to surface periodically, and give them plenty of time to work through it so they can eventually let go of it. Understand that until they’ve worked through and exhausted their anger, they cannot heal.
> 
> WAITING: The initial struggle is waning, but their zest for life has not returned. They are in limbo, they are exhausted and uncertain. Indeed, life seems flat and uninteresting. They are unenthused about socializing, perhaps reluctant, and they are unable to plan activities for themselves. Help them by finding ways to stimulate them. Plan activities for them around things that hold their interest and bring joy back into their life.
> 
> EMOTIONS IN CONFLICT: This is one of the most difficult manifestations because there is so much going on at the same time and their feelings do not always synchronize with reality. The most succinct description was provided by the late Shirley Glass, PhD: “One of the ironies of healing from infidelity is that the perpetrator must become the healer. This means that betrayed partners are vulnerable because the person they are most likely to turn to in times of trouble is precisely the source of their danger.” The inherent conflict for a betrayed spouse is obvious, but Dr. Glass also recognized how difficult this balancing act can be for a repentant adulterer: “On the other hand, [unfaithful] partners sometimes find it hard to stay engaged with their spouses when they know they are the source of such intense pain.” The key, of course, is to stay engaged nonetheless. Be supportive and remorseful, and above all… keep talking.
> 
> TRIGGERS: Particular dates, places, items and activities can bring back their pain as intensely as ever. It feels like they’re caught in a loop as they relive the trauma. It is emotionally debilitating.
> 
> Triggers can cause days and nights of depression, renew anger, and can spark and reignite nightmares, which may make them fear sleeping. Triggers can cause them to question if they will ever again experience life without the anguish. Get rid of all the reminders immediately: Gifts, letters, pictures, cards, emails, clothing… whatever your spouse associates with your affair. Do this with your spouse so they are not left wondering when those triggers may recur. Never cling to anything that bothers your partner. It leaves the impression that your keepsakes and mementos, or any reminders of your affair, are more important to you than they are.
> 
> Attend to your partner. Learn what dates, songs, places, etc., are triggers for your partner. Pay attention to your environment: If you hear or see something that you think might be a trigger, assume it is. Each occasion a trigger arises is an appropriate moment for you to communicate a clear and heartfelt message that you’re sorry you acted so selfishly and caused this recurring pain. So again, apologize and let them know how much you love them. The occurrence of a trigger is also a good opportunity to express that you choose them and not your affair partner, which is important for them to hear. If a trigger occurs in public, you can still wrap your arm around your spouse’s waist or shoulder, or simply squeeze their hand, but verbalize your apology as soon as you are alone again.
> 
> It is very important for you to understand and remember this… Triggers can remain active for their entire life. Don’t ever think or insist that enough time has passed that they should be “over it” because another sad truth of infidelity is: Your affair will remain a permanent memory for them, subject to involuntary recall at any time – even decades later. They will NEVER be “over it.” They simply learn to deal with it better as they heal, as you earn back their trust, and as you rebuild your relationship – over time.
> 
> SECTION 2 - WHAT ELSE CAN YOU DO TO EASE THEIR PAIN & RELIEVE THEIR STRESS?
> 
> Make certain you’ve killed the beast: Your affair must be over, in all respects, completely and forever. You cannot put your marriage in jeopardy ever again. Your spouse has given you a second chance that you probably don’t deserve. That may sound harsh, but think about it this way: Despite any marital problems the two of you experienced, you would certainly understand if they divorced you solely because of your adultery. So assume there will not be a third chance and behave accordingly.
> 
> This opportunity you have been bestowed is a monumental gift, particularly considering the anguish you caused them. Treat this gift, and your spouse, with care and due respect: No contact means NO CONTACT OF ANY KIND – EVER.
> 
> GET INTO THERAPY: Most attempts to heal and rebuild after infidelity will fail without the assistance of a qualified therapist. Make certain you both feel comfortable with the therapist. You must trust them and have faith in their methodology. Talk about it: If of you are uncomfortable with your therapist at any time, don’t delay – find another. And if need be, yet another. Then stick with it. Save particularly volatile topics for counselling sessions. Your therapist will provide a neutral place and safe means to discuss these subjects constructively. Every so often, think back to where you were two or three months earlier. Compare that to where you are now and determine if you’re making progress. Progress will be made slowly, not daily or even weekly, so do not perform daily or weekly evaluations. Make the comparative periods long enough to allow a “moderate-term” review rather than “short-term.” Expect setbacks or even restarts, and again… stick with it.
> 
> APOLOGIZE: Actually, that should read: “Apologize, apologize, apologize.” You cannot apologize too often, but you can apologize improperly. Apologize genuinely and fully. Betrayed spouses develop a finely calibrated “insincerity radar.” A partial or disingenuous apology will feel meaningless, condescending or even insulting, particularly during the months following discovery. Your spouse will feel better if you don’t merely say, “I’m sorry.” To a betrayed spouse that sounds and feels empty. Try to continue and complete the apology by saying everything that’s now salient to your partner: “I’m ashamed I cheated on you and I’m so very sorry. I know that my lying and deceiving you has hurt you enormously. I deeply want to earn back your trust – and I want so much for you to be able, some day, to forgive me.” As noted earlier, right now genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit.
> 
> REALIZE YOUR PARTNER WANTS TO FEEL BETTER: There is so much they have to deal with – pain, anger, disappointment, confusion and despair. Their being, their world, is swirling in a black hole of negative feelings. It’s agonizing. They wish it would stop, but they feel powerless to make it go away, which worries them even more. Remember that they can’t help it: Just as they didn’t choose for this to happen, they don’t choose to feel this way. Beyond all the possible feelings described in the section above (and that list may be incomplete in your spouse’s case), even if they don’t understand them, they do recognize that changes are occurring in themselves – and they are frightened by them. As terrible as it is for you to see their ongoing nightmare, it is far worse to live in it. Periodically assure them that you know they will get better, that you are willing to do everything necessary for them to heal and to make your marriage work. Reassure them that you are with them for the duration – no matter how long it takes – and that you intend to spend the rest of your life with them.
> 
> HIDE NOTHING, OPEN EVERYTHING: While they’re greatly angered and hurt that you were emotionally and/or sexually involved with another person, they are even more devastated by your secret life, your lies and deception. They feel no trust in you right now – and they’re 100% justified. If ever there was someone in the world they felt they could trust, it was you – until now. Now, they have difficulty believing anything you say. They are driven to check up on everything. Let them. Better still, help them. Overload them with access. The era of “covering your tracks” must end and be supplanted by total and voluntary transparency.
> 
> You must dismantle and remove every vestige of secrecy. Offer your spouse the passwords to your email accounts – yes, even the secret one they still don’t know about. Let them bring in the mail. If you receive a letter, card or email from your paramour, let your spouse open it. If you receive a voice or text message on your cell phone, let them retrieve it and delete it. If your friends provided alibis for you, end those friendships. Do not change your phone bill to a less detailed version or delete your browser history. Provide your spouse with your credit card bills, bank account statements, cell phone bills and anything else you think they might wish to check. Immediately tell them if you hear from or accidentally run into your affair partner. Tell them where you are going, when you’ll be home, and be on time. If your plans change, notify them immediately.
> 
> The more willing you are to be transparent, the more honesty and openness they see and feel, the more “trust chits” you’ll earn. Replacing your previously secret life with complete openness is the fastest and most effective way to promote trust, even if it feels unfair or uncomfortable. Think of this as the “reverse image” of your affair: Your affair was about you selfishly making yourself feel good. Now, rebuilding trust is about selflessly making your partner feel safe with you – and you were certainly unfair to them. Keep in mind that eventually they will trust you again, but you must earn it and it will take time.
> 
> SPEND LOTS TIME WITH THEM: Assume that they want your company at all times. The more time you spend in their sight, the more they will feel a sense of safety, if only for that time. There may be times when you feel they’re a constant, perhaps even an annoying presence. Just remember that they need to be around you – more than ever. If they need time alone, they’ll let you know and you must respect that, too. Knowing where you are and who you are with reduces worry, but expect them to check up on you. Don’t take offence when this happens. Instead, welcome the opportunity: Think of each time – and each success – as receiving a check mark in the “Passed the Test” column. The more check marks you earn, the closer you are to being trusted again.
> 
> PHYSICAL CONTACT: They may or may not want to be sexual with you. If not, allow sufficient time for them to get comfortable with the idea of renewed intimacy and let them set the pace. But if so, don’t be discouraged if the sex is not optimum. They’re likely to be low on confidence and may feel self-conscious or inept. They may even act clumsily. This can be offset by lots of simple, soothing physical gestures such as hugging them, stroking them softly and providing kisses. You might try surprising them sexually. Try something new. Choose moments when they don’t expect it – it can feel fresh again. On the other hand, don’t be surprised if their sexual appetite and arousal is unusually heightened as some partners experience what’s called ‘Hysterical Bonding.’ Also be aware that during lovemaking they may suffer intrusive thoughts or mental images of you and your affair partner, so they may suddenly shut down or even burst into tears. Again, apologize for making them feel this way. Express that you choose them – and not your affair partner. Reassure them by emphasizing that they are the only one you truly want.
> 
> SHARE YOUR FEELINGS OF GUILT AND SHAME: If you exhibit no shame or guilt for hurting them, they’ll wonder if you’re truly capable of being sensitive, caring or even feeling. They may see you as callous and self-absorbed, and question if it’s really worth another try with you. But if you’re like most people who have badly hurt someone you truly love, then you certainly feel shame and guilt, though verbalizing it may be hard for you. Of course, some people do find it difficult to express these feelings, but try. You’ll find it provides a great sense of relief to share this with your partner. Moreover, do not fail to realize is how vitally important it is for your partner to hear it, to feel it, to see it in your eyes. It’s a building block in the reconstruction of trust and the repair of your marriage. Do not underestimate the power of satisfying their need to know that you are disappointed in yourself. Your opening up about this will help them feel secure again, help them to heal, and help you heal, too.
> 
> LET THEM KNOW YOU ARE HAPPY WITH YOUR CHOICE TO RECOMMIT: You probably think this is obvious, but to your betrayed partner, precious little is obvious anymore. They will wonder about this. Do not make them guess, and do not make them ask. Just tell them. If it doesn’t seem to come naturally at first, it may help if every now and then, you ask yourself, “If they had betrayed me this way, would I still be here?” (Most of us would answer, “No,” even if we can’t imagine being in that position.) When people give second chances to others, they really want to know that it’s meaningful to, and appreciated by, the recipient. So, express your thanks. Tell them how grateful you are for the opportunity to repair the damage you’ve done and rebuild your marriage. You’ll be surprised how much this simple, heartfelt act of gratitude will mean to them, and how it helps to re-establish the bond between you.
> 
> HERE’S A GREAT TIP: You will find it’s particularly meaningful to them when they’re obviously feeling low, but they’re locked in silence and aren’t expressing it to you. Just imagine… In their moments of unspoken loneliness or despair, you walk up to them, hug them and say, “I just want you to know how grateful I am that you’re giving me a second chance. Thank you so much. I love you more than ever for this. I’ve been feeling so ashamed of what I did and how much pain I caused you. I want you to know that I’ll never do anything to hurt you like this – ever again. I know I broke your heart and it torments me. I want you to know your heart is safe with me again.”
> 
> These are beautifully comforting words, particularly when they’re delivered at such a perfect
> moment. You can memorize the quote, modify it, or use your own words, whatever is most
> comfortable for you. The key is to include, in no particular order, all six of these components:
> 
> A statement of gratitude.
> 
> An expression of your love.
> 
> An acknowledgment of your spouse’s pain.
> 
> An admission that you caused their pain.
> 
> An expression of your sense of shame.
> 
> A promise that it will never happen again
> 
> Unfaithful spouses I’ve counselled often report that this most welcome surprise is the best thing they did to lift their partner’s spirits – as well as their own.
> 
> SECTION 3 - SO WHAT ARE THE NEXT STAGES, AFTER THEY WORK THROUGH ALL THEIR GRIEF, PAIN AND STRESS?
> 
> HOPE: They believe they will get better. They still have good days and bad days, but the good days out balance the bad. Sometimes they can work effectively, enjoy activities and really care
> for others.
> 
> COMMITMENT: They know they have a choice. Life won’t be the same, but they decide to actively begin building a new life.
> 
> SEEKING: They take initiative, renewing their involvement with former friends and activities. They
> begin exploring new involvements.
> 
> PEACE: They feel able to accept the affair and its repercussions, and face their own future.
> 
> LIFE OPENS UP: Life has value and meaning again. They can enjoy, appreciate, and anticipate events. They are willing to let the rest of their life be all it can be. They can more easily seek and find joy.
> 
> FORGIVENESS: While the memory will never leave them, the burden they’ve been carrying from your betrayal is lifted. Given what you have done, the pain it caused them and the anguish they lived through, this is the ultimate gift they can bestow. They give it not only to you, but to themselves. Be grateful for this gift – and cherish it always.*


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## AlphaHalf

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rottdad42

Damn it. From the closest people that care. It gets no worse than that. You will hurt for sometime, believe me. That is a long time. So to say it was a one time thing is a no go. IMHO she has to leave or leave the same room. She lost the right. There is no need to be mean, but you need to mean it. Stand your ground. If the R is in your future, Myself I felt that it was a clear violation of trust. She would have to pull a bus with her teeth to prove she is anywhere near trustful.


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## AlphaHalf

IMHO. You should divorce this bi$&h because infidelity is hard enough but its mutiplied because its with the so called bf. You will be to emotionally drained and will suffer from constant triggers because both of them have been involved with every major life event that you hold to heart. (wedding pics, vacations, conversations, and constant flaskbacks of them together before you had a clue). this doulble betrayel will do you more harm then good over the long run.

DO NOT BEG OR CRY TO HER, DONT MAKE EXCUSES FOR HER OR LET HER TRY TO MAKE YOU AT FAULT FOR HER ACTIONS. DONT BELIEVE SHE IS SORRY FOR WHAT SHE HAS DONE, SHE IS ONLY TRULY SORRY SHE GOT CAUGHT FOR 3 YEARS OF BLANTANTLY F$&KING YOUR BF BEHIND YOUR BACK. SHE IS ALSO WORRIED ABOUT YOU EXPOSING HER ACTIONS AND WORRIED ABOUT HOW HER WHORISH ACTION MIGHT EFFECT HER REPUTATION. NOW SHE WILL BEG FOR FORGIVENESS TO KEEP HER HOME STABILITY AND PAYCHECK THAT YOU PROVIDE.

IF she can do this to you in that manner and still says she loves you what else can she do to you and still be in love with you.
As for the exbf consider him dead to you. that man is a snake. Expose this affair to everyone and show them their true quality of character. (If my best friend did this to me there will be a beatdown not just by me but my other close friends and family. OLD SCHOOL MAN CODE in full effect but thats just me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl

Justanotherstory said:


> Found out 3 days before x mas when i caught them. Had felt it was happening and had asked but they both denied at the start of the year. Lately i was sure so i set them up and sure enough i was right. Seems it's being going on nearly 3 years. We are married 10+ years and have 2 kids.
> 
> Ignore him (friends since 6, best mate since 18. We were each other's best men etc etc) for a while. My wife and i are talking and trying to get through it. I'm in bits and cant stop crying. I know I need to get over the victim (eventually) and to forgive her if we are to get through this. These may take time but I'm open to hopefully being able to solve these. I really love her (I detest obv what she did). She wants to stay, has said all the right things, has 100% taken responsibility. She has also said how she fell into it. Again while totally unacceptable I can see how.
> 
> For those who have been here before my concerns are,
> 
> 1: Sex. She admitted it and i only know the bare minimum. This is what is tearing me apart and makes me feel sick inside. Will I ever lose this feeling in my stomach? I want to / dont want to know ever detail. I presume if I do it will make things worse but is it better to find out everything and then try to deal with it?
> 
> 2: I physically feel at the moment as if I dont even want to kiss, never mind anything else, will this pass?
> 
> 3: Will the vile bitterness for her actions heal?
> 
> I have revenge plans for him obv (all above board) but will leave that until I sort out my own house first.
> 
> Any advice would be good, thanks.


Is your ex-bf married? If he is be sure to notify his wife of the affair. 

Get the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. It will help you get through this. It's one of the hardesting, most painful things a person can ever go through.


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## robotmonkeyparts

tom67 said:


> I know it's a shock but DNA the kids please.



Think long and hard before you do this. If you love them and want to continue to raise them then it is too late to do this. You will end up hurting yourself and the kids if they turn out not to be yours.


----------



## Decorum

Woman usually need an emotional connection with a man to have sex with him.

She transfered that connection from you to him.

That means what little sex you two probably had over the last 3 years was duty sex, and she cringed at the thought, wished it was him, and tried to imagine it was him.

If this is true, and it usually is, and you asked your wife about it, do you think she would honestly tell you so now?

She may never be attracted to you in that way again. Even if now she offered you a lot of sex to save the marriage.

Marriages without trust and honesty are a sham.


She thinks of you like a brother and does not want to lose you, she is truly sad at the thought, would do much to keep you, but that is not remorse.



Will she be attracted to the new unhappy you, as you two try to work through this?

You are going through a grieving process right now, your feelings are in line with that.
You need to understand why you feel the way you do, so you dont make a mistake.

One of the early staged in the process denial!

Not a good time to decide to save a marriage I would think!

_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Acabado

Man, that's a third of the marriage, right under your nose, with your best friend, gaslighting you for years.
And it probably started earlier.
He got way more than you got, that's almost sure.

Brutal.
I don't thibk i could R this. No way.

You need to share the kids with her anyway but I'd destroy that man. Legaly. Totally destroy him. Better run from the town.


----------



## Justanotherstory

Before I post anything else, so glad I found this site, WOW.


----------



## Justanotherstory

Right, as I said i still want to have an option to save this. It may not happen. Yesterday I would have said 70%. After this thread, 40% tops. This has really cleared my mind. Any further advice would be great but some things to clear up.

1 The kids are mine, end of. They are 9 and 5. His mum died 3 and a half years ago and this is where he went from my best friend to both ours . He would have never been in our house without me before then. It happend after this. The opportunity was there but was never there before then.

2 I wasent going to tell his wife (I know, idiot). His kids are 8 and 6... This changed tonight, thank you. Will be done early January when the kids are back to school and I know she will be home alone while he is at work. I thought we had no chance if it got out (its a small town and if 1 knows then everyone will) but f u c k him.

3 Tonight I did a timeline for 4 years of every event, concert, birthday, opportunity etc etc. I will give this to her saturday and give her 48 hours before we sit and discuss every aspect of the affair over this time (and before this although I really dont think it goes back any further). Any question I have asked so far has been answered but I didnt know how far I wanted to go, I do now.

4 I will also look for every detail in their sex lives together and tell her also Saturday that she needs to have this ready for me. We will discuss i detail on the Monday. I need it on the table to even consider going forward. 

5 Tell her parents, I really dont think so unless it gets out. It would kill them so they find out only if needed.

6 By the way, this is the best diet I every had.... 6 pounds since last Friday and over Christmas :smthumbup:


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## walkonmars

You're a good man - far better than I. And your story most definitely is not "justanotherstory".

If your marriage survives your wife should fall to her knees and anoint your feet daily.


----------



## Skrya

just the title has me goin ow ow ow , how can some be soo insensitive to consequences that a loved one in life will have to pay..oh bury your head much...I'm sorry hun but you champin...nice


----------



## loveisforever

Three years with your best friends! Must sleep in your bed and talk about you lots of times when they F* each other. Lots of times, enough times for them to stop if they want to.

And they will continue forever if you did not find out on your own. 

Even after you find out, it remains to be seen if they can rug sweep it ...

Give them a second chance... if you have no self respect!


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## Skrya

Justanotherstory said:


> Had the kids go for a sleep over. Invited him over and had a make believe text about going to work at 10pm instead of 1am. Had a camera pen in the room, came back an hour later and watched the great news when he had gone and she went to bed.


 I knew for several month and had spent about getting proof but didn't have it in hand so had to spend another 3 getting physical evidence. The hell of knowing for sure and him LYEING to my face was the most damagin for me after some of the other numbed. He continued the same attitude of deciet even after so it may have been easier if he had been willing to do ANYTHING to help repair. I find it so hard to BELIEVE anything or not of him again. I DON'T KNOW HIM and have to decide if I really want. The lack of honesty in the face of my knowing is what didn't stop when his "someone plain enough to not be a threat but trashy enough to flirt with" did, I thought if he just stopped I could pause and heal and breath and it would stop but the honesty when I was down because I knew..think HARD can you forgive AND trust her again? That's my pandoras right now..it's like trying to weave a web of booby traps..Good Luck just something to consider


----------



## Chaparral

Have you had any contact with the ex best friend? What does he have to say? Has he asked you to keep it from his wife?


----------



## Will_Kane

Justanotherstory said:


> Right, as I said i still want to have an option to save this. It may not happen. Yesterday I would have said 70%. After this thread, 40% tops. This has really cleared my mind. Any further advice would be great but some things to clear up.
> 
> 1 The kids are mine, end of. They are 9 and 5. His mum died 3 and a half years ago and this is where he went from my best friend to both ours . He would have never been in our house without me before then. It happend after this. The opportunity was there but was never there before then.
> 
> 2 I wasent going to tell his wife (I know, idiot). His kids are 8 and 6... This changed tonight, thank you. Will be done early January when the kids are back to school and I know she will be home alone while he is at work. I thought we had no chance if it got out (its a small town and if 1 knows then everyone will) but f u c k him.
> 
> 3 Tonight I did a timeline for 4 years of every event, concert, birthday, opportunity etc etc. I will give this to her saturday and give her 48 hours before we sit and discuss every aspect of the affair over this time (and before this although I really dont think it goes back any further). Any question I have asked so far has been answered but I didnt know how far I wanted to go, I do now.
> 
> 4 I will also look for every detail in their sex lives together and tell her also Saturday that she needs to have this ready for me. We will discuss i detail on the Monday. I need it on the table to even consider going forward.
> 
> 5 Tell her parents, I really dont think so unless it gets out. It would kill them so they find out only if needed.
> 
> 6 By the way, this is the best diet I every had.... 6 pounds since last Friday and over Christmas :smthumbup:


All of your events for the past three years, while you were thinking how happy you were with your wife and family, she was thinking about other man. He was always there in her mind. Think about what her daily life was like. How much she thought about him. For three years.

How much of you life, how many of your memories are "real"? How much of your marriage was "real"? It's the same as finding out that your wife was taken away three years ago and replaced by a robot who looked just like her.

How many "special" occasions - birthdays, anniversaries, graduations, and other special days - was other man in attendance? What do you think your wife was thinking about?

Did they have sex in your bed? He was in your house?

This is not just an act of infidelity. This is an act of HATE. The other man and your wife both HATE you. Why? Why would other man hate you enough to do this to you with your wife in your home, in your bed? Same question for your wife? Why would she hate you this much? PLEASE BELIEVE ME, this had more to do with their mutual resentment, anger, hate for you than it had to do with their feelings for each other.

What is it that you love about your wife? The real wife that you found out about several days ago? Have you given any thought to who your wife is? I guarantee you, the person you married many years ago is NOT your wife now. Your wife has been faking it with you, making believe she was someone else. Like maybe I use the name Will_Kane and say I'm 51 but I'm really a 12-year-old girl. That's how different your wife is from the person you thought. What about her do you love RIGHT NOW, not from when you got married and not from four years ago?

Please take some time to think about the level of betrayal. Please get some counseling if you feel you need it. Whether you reconcile or not, when this sinks in you are going to be in a very, very dark place.


----------



## jim123

You must tell her parents. The only way she will change if she has to. You must tell everyone. 

Visit an attorney and let her know. Keep every option open. I would also ask her to leave. If you look at anyone who has had sucess, they have come out strong. Deal from strenght not weakness.

Do not R unless you are sure. Take time to yourself and take care of yourself.


----------



## AlphaHalf

Tell her parents. Stop protecting what she has done. Her parents will not die by finding out. Its likely they will find out by others means in the future. Be direct and don't Pu$$yfoot around the topic. You are not the one who betrayed the marriage. She needs to face the consequences by being forced to look at actions and have nowhere to hide and downplay here behavior.


----------



## Skrya

AlphaHalf said:


> Tell her parents. Stop protecting what she has done. Her parents will not die by finding out. Its likely they will find out by others means in the future. Be direct and don't Pu$$yfoot around the topic. You are not the one who betrayed the marriage. She needs to face the consequences by being forced to look at actions and have nowhere to hide and downplay here behavior.


 I wish I had of had this advice because I did not tell and after time was blamed because I was rehurt when his girlfriend went there and twisted it to me driving it out. You should have seen his donkey butt drinkin it up and runnin there after every fight because I was bringing it up . YOU MUST TELL THEM TO PROTECT YOURSELF AND YOUR CHILDREN from YOU taking blame of driving her to it if no other reason. DO NOT THREATEN OR MENTION telling them before you do or you may find yourself seeing some talk has already influenced whatever justification could be used against you. She knows them better than you.


----------



## Shaggy

Tell her parents, this is a very important part of her owning up to the choice to betray you.

It will be hard, but I strongly suggest you make her watch the video of the having sex with you, if you can yourself make it through it with her, make her watch it again with you. This might seem harsh, but it really will bring it home to her.

You need to have full transparency from her now. 

Put a var in her car to catch her talking to him.

She must write a no contact letter dumping him forever and clearly choosing you. You get to read it. You send a copy to him, and you send a copy to his wife. 

Have her take a polygraph, even if you think you know it all, do it anyways.

Expect to find out she had sex with him on your birthday, on days she turned you down cold, on valentines day, New Year's Eve. Her birthday.

Collect all the gifts he has given her and dump them all. If you didn't give it to her, assume it was him.

Collect all the underwear, shoes, jewelry, makeup, lingerie, clothes she has ever bought or worn for him. Dump or burn them. All of it goes. If its sexy and you've never had it worn for you, you know it was for him. Dump it all.

Have her take an std test.

Fund out what sex positions and activities she did for him that she won't do for you. Those objections just went away.

Burn your bed and couch and get new ones.


----------



## Chaparral

Many people find out later that they wish they had never asked for details. 
Once that cat is out of the bag, it can't be put back.


----------



## WyshIknew

Justanotherstory said:


> 1 The kids are mine, end of. They are 9 and 5. His mum died 3 and a half years ago and this is where he went from my best friend to both ours . He would have never been in our house without me before then. It happend after this. The opportunity was there but was never there before then.
> 
> 2 I wasent going to tell his wife (I know, idiot). His kids are 8 and 6... This changed tonight, thank you. Will be done early January when the kids are back to school and I know she will be home alone while he is at work. I thought we had no chance if it got out (its a small town and if 1 knows then everyone will) but f u c k him.


1 Are you a Brit like me?

2 Don't delay with telling his wife. You are giving him a chance to weave a web of lies.Even now he is likely pursuing damage control.
One poster, Badmemory I believe, when he exposed to the OW she was convinced by her partner that Badmemory was just a mentally deluded fool. You might also find they have mysteriously vanished on holiday.


----------



## tom67

Will_Kane said:


> All of your events for the past three years, while you were thinking how happy you were with your wife and family, she was thinking about other man. He was always there in her mind. Think about what her daily life was like. How much she thought about him. For three years.
> 
> How much of you life, how many of your memories are "real"? How much of your marriage was "real"? It's the same as finding out that your wife was taken away three years ago and replaced by a robot who looked just like her.
> 
> How many "special" occasions - birthdays, anniversaries, graduations, and other special days - was other man in attendance? What do you think your wife was thinking about?
> 
> Did they have sex in your bed? He was in your house?
> 
> This is not just an act of infidelity. This is an act of HATE. The other man and your wife both HATE you. Why? Why would other man hate you enough to do this to you with your wife in your home, in your bed? Same question for your wife? Why would she hate you this much? PLEASE BELIEVE ME, this had more to do with their mutual resentment, anger, hate for you than it had to do with their feelings for each other.
> 
> What is it that you love about your wife? The real wife that you found out about several days ago? Have you given any thought to who your wife is? I guarantee you, the person you married many years ago is NOT your wife now. Your wife has been faking it with you, making believe she was someone else. Like maybe I use the name Will_Kane and say I'm 51 but I'm really a 12-year-old girl. That's how different your wife is from the person you thought. What about her do you love RIGHT NOW, not from when you got married and not from four years ago?
> 
> Please take some time to think about the level of betrayal. Please get some counseling if you feel you need it. Whether you reconcile or not, when this sinks in you are going to be in a very, very dark place.


Please read this until it soaks in. 3 freaking years of this. Think about it that's all I ask!


----------



## Kallan Pavithran

Three ****ing yrs, with your best friend, at your home, on your bed. wah.........

*What is your deal breaker?
*
I will choose to live with a known prostitute than living with a wife like this.

You saw them having sex, you know how ****ty they were talking about you, you know how they behaved while you are around them. They were doing it for three yrs. Do you think that they even considered you as a human being?
Again what is your deal breaker?


----------



## Skrya

My heart aches for your betrayal. 
I open the forum and last nights posts are followed by so many new ones.
I believe you may have to consider that your friend made your wife the most important woman in his life shortly after the most important woman in his life died. 
There is going to be a fall out!! I don't know how but she was enjoying a level of reverence not meant for her and I'm not sure if it will be so easy to place the emotions where they should have been after so long.
I was his wife in our mess and her being miserable is goin to lead to him being unhappier and what has made him happy during these hard times of need?
You have to tell her, if not you are allowing her 3 years to turn into a much larger betrayal.
But expect a fall out.


----------



## CleanJerkSnatch

As a first step, forgive your wife and your bf. This will help YOU. Work on forgiving them everyday whether you decide to R or D is your decision but you still need to move on with this betrayal for whatever path you choose.

I do not mean for you to forget, or to dismiss this betrayal. You can say to yourself that you have already forgiven and do so everyday because you know that sorry will not fix this, or money will not replace this, no technology will make you forget and even if it did exist nothing in this world will ever change the fact of what has happened. And after it all you will carry the scar but you'll still be stronger.

Keep staying fit.

Exercise to boost testosterone, take loads and loads of vitamin c to combat stress hormone cortisol, take testosterone boosters like saw palmetto, oatmeal, organic eggs, milk etc.

Avoid depressants, avoid soy and other estrogen foods. Testosterone is your best friend as it raises your pain threshold, kills depression, gives you strength and energy to lose weight and more.


----------



## Acabado

Read as many thread you need, specially the one with a huge number of pages.

Beyond agreeeing and following your conditions to a T tell her it's up to her to fix what it's broken, tell her to seek advice; there are books, counselors, forums... the ball is in her court. You can't afford to spend more energies beyond healing from this trauma. Tell her that's all you will do for now, to heal and to watch her from afar to see if you can stay remain married to her. She's the one to prove you staying is worth the pain.

On her back put in place the snooping tools before exposure to BW and please don't warn your wife about it, monitore the aftermath.
Also talk to a lawyer, find out where you stands financially, custody wise if things go south.

Taylor the 180 to your adventage, pout focus in healing and self improvement.
The Healing Heart: The 180
Welcome TAM CWI newbies- please read this 
Betrayed Spouse Bill of Rights
No More Mr Nice Guy
Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass
Sample No Contact Letters.
Joseph's Letter


----------



## Justanotherstory

Justanotherstory said:


> 3 Tonight I did a timeline for 4 years of every event, concert, birthday, opportunity etc etc. I will give this to her saturday and give her 48 hours before we sit and discuss every aspect of the affair over this time (and before this although I really dont think it goes back any further). Any question I have asked so far has been answered but I didnt know how far I wanted to go, I do now.
> 
> 4 I will also look for every detail in their sex lives together and tell her also Saturday that she needs to have this ready for me. We will discuss i detail on the Monday. I need it on the table to even consider going forward.


I sat her down yesterday and went through the above. At first she said no. Why would I want to hear everything when I had said I didn't want to a few days ago? I told her I needed to know everything if there was to be any hope that we could save our marriage. She then said ok if that's what is needed and went upstairs.

She came back after an hour and I got a detailed account over 4 hours. I could ask what I wanted and I left no stone unturned. From start to middle to finish to what they did, where, when, how....... with the detail and how the conversation went and how I would go back over something 5 and 6 times, I know she has told me pretty exactly what went on. If she was lying then there were a few things that there is no way she would have told me. Not just the sex but little things that hurt just as much as the big stuff.

So now I know....I now need to think long and hard about what happens next.


----------



## Kallan Pavithran

Justanotherstory said:


> I sat her down yesterday and went through the above. At first she said no. Why would I want to hear everything when I had said I didn't want to a few days ago? I told her I needed to know everything if there was to be any hope that we could save our marriage. She then said ok if that's what is needed and went upstairs.
> 
> She came back after an hour and I got a detailed account over 4 hours. I could ask what I wanted and I left no stone unturned. From start to middle to finish to what they did, where, when, how....... with the detail and how the conversation went and how I would go back over something 5 and 6 times, I know she has told me pretty exactly what went on. If she was lying then there were a few things that there is no way she would have told me. Not just the sex but little things that hurt just as much as the big stuff.
> 
> S*o now I know....I now need to think long and hard about what happens next.*



Why you need long time to think while considering what she did for ***ing three yrs infront of you.


----------



## Shaggy

I'm not trying to rub salt into the wound, but this wasn't a one off things went too far event. It was 3 years of deliberate, planned betrayal by your wife. 

What do you think the ratio of sex times during that 3 years was of you-her compared to him-her? 1:1? 1:2 ?

What about romantic effort and planning? With her, you were no doubt the one putting in the effort to be with her. Mean while, she's putting her efforts into him, pleasing him, keeping him wanting her. You're chasing her, while she's chasing him.

Think back to times when she was feeling off or down and you tried to comfort her and make her happy. How many of those times were because she was feeling upset at him and her relationship with him? How many times did you unknowingly go out of your way to make her feel better and get over a spat with him?


----------



## Shaggy

Here is how I think it is currently playing out and what may be coming.

1. You caught them, and your wife is currently in panic mode.

2. Your wife is fearful that you will expose her.

3. your wife is fearful for the OM. This is why she is cooperating right now with you. She is fearful that you will send blow back to him and she blames herself for this. She fears he will hate her, she fears he will suffer, and because it was her husband that caught him, and will be doing these things, she is feeling protective and responsible. 

4. she is trying to cool you down so you won't expose the OM to his wife.

5. she is trying to give her and the OM time to see how far you are going to go, espeically how far you are going to go after the OM.

6. The OM or her will soon be fishing to see how the other is doing in all of this. Likely the OM asking her if she is alright, if you've hurt her. What do you know.

7. She and the OM will try to keep their communication secret.

8. they will try to meet up.

9. you need to act.


----------



## AlphaHalf

What is it about this women that makes you love her so much????? It must be sooo profound that your willing to overlook her cheating before and during the entire marriage. 

Is she the last women on earth who will be with you? Self Esteem issues?
You are in the fog and need to realize your playing yourself as a fool/setting yourself up for failure. You cannot trust this women or anything she says. 
-She had a systematic 3 year affair with your exbf literally right behind your back

-She had a systematic 3 year affair with your exbf literally right behind your back

-She had a systematic 3 year affair with your exbf literally right behind your back
*
-She had a systematic 3 year affair with your exbf literally right behind your back*


EXPOSE THE AFFAIR!!!!


----------



## carmen ohio

Acabado said:


> Read as many thread you need, specially the one with a huge number of pages.
> 
> Beyond agreeeing and following your conditions to a T tell her it's up to her to fix what it's broken, tell her to seek advice; there are books, counselors, forums... the ball is in her court. You can't afford to spend more energies beyond healing from this trauma. Tell her that's all you will do for now, to heal and to watch her from afar to see if you can stay remain married to her. She's the one to prove you staying is worth the pain.
> 
> On her back put in place the snooping tools before exposure to BW and please don't warn your wife about it, monitore the aftermath.
> Also talk to a lawyer, find out where you stands financially, custody wise if things go south.
> 
> Taylor the 180 to your adventage, pout focus in healing and self improvement.
> The Healing Heart: The 180
> Welcome TAM CWI newbies- please read this
> Betrayed Spouse Bill of Rights
> No More Mr Nice Guy
> Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass
> Sample No Contact Letters.
> Joseph's Letter


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

I suggest that Jas also read Almostrecovered's story:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/30807-2-years-ago-today.html

to learn what successful reconciliation involves, and read "The Married Man Sex Life Primer" by Athol Kay and check out his blog:

Blog | Married Man Sex Life


----------



## walkonmars

Did she answer these:
Why it started

Why it continued

How long would it have continued if not caught

How she viewed you and your role during the last 3 years

Who else knew or supported

There's a lot to discover if you even want to consider a successful reconciliation. Anything else is doomed - and she doomed it not you. 

BTW - ask those questions and ask them repeatedly. See if the answer change. I don't like that she said "No" initially. Ask her how many times she said that word to your BF.


----------



## tom67

Justanotherstory said:


> I sat her down yesterday and went through the above. At first she said no. Why would I want to hear everything when I had said I didn't want to a few days ago? I told her I needed to know everything if there was to be any hope that we could save our marriage. She then said ok if that's what is needed and went upstairs.
> 
> She came back after an hour and I got a detailed account over 4 hours. I could ask what I wanted and I left no stone unturned. From start to middle to finish to what they did, where, when, how....... with the detail and how the conversation went and how I would go back over something 5 and 6 times, I know she has told me pretty exactly what went on. If she was lying then there were a few things that there is no way she would have told me. Not just the sex but little things that hurt just as much as the big stuff.
> 
> So now I know....I now need to think long and hard about what happens next.


Make sure you expose to everyone.


----------



## keko

OP, what exactly is a deal breaker for you?


----------



## tom67

:iagree::banghead::banghead::banghead:


keko said:


> OP, what exactly is a deal breaker for you?


----------



## Decorum

You havent had a real marriage in 3 years!

You havent had an honest reationship with her in 3 years.

Infidelity changes people.

You dont even know what it would be like to live with her in an exclusive marriage anymore.


If the two of you were divorced today and met up would she even date you or marry you?

I'm sure she would say yes to save the marriage, but what would really happen?

Do you think she will respect you more for staying with her, or leaving her?

She has shone enormous disrespect for you, woman are not attracted to men they dont respect.

Why do you think she wants to stay with you?
Because she loves and respects you?

Will she cheat again? It is a well established habbit.

Tell her if you stay together, you will have a free pass for 3 years for your turn with an open marriage, see what she says.

If you split up you can always date her, and see where it goes, then you will know you are more than plan b.


----------



## Kallan Pavithran

Shaggy said:


> Here is how I think it is currently playing out and what may be coming.
> 
> 1. You caught them, and your wife is currently in panic mode.
> 
> 2. Your wife is fearful that you will expose her.
> 
> 3. your wife is fearful for the OM. This is why she is cooperating right now with you. She is fearful that you will send blow back to him and she blames herself for this. She fears he will hate her, she fears he will suffer, and because it was her husband that caught him, and will be doing these things, she is feeling protective and responsible.
> 
> 4. she is trying to cool you down so you won't expose the OM to his wife.
> 
> 5. she is trying to give her and the OM time to see how far you are going to go, espeically how far you are going to go after the OM.
> 
> 6. The OM or her will soon be fishing to see how the other is doing in all of this. Likely the OM asking her if she is alright, if you've hurt her. What do you know.
> 
> 7. She and the OM will try to keep their communication secret.
> 
> 8. they will try to meet up.
> 
> 9. you need to act.



:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Read this again and again then act, dont sit passively on it thinking the pain will go away.

Expose to Every one, Your wife or BF docent deserve any empathy considering the humiliation they have done to you. Do it as a revenge, if you feel so. Why you want to protect someone who treated you less than a man, less than a dog, less than a human being.

Get tested for STDs and ask her for the same (but do you need that If you are going to run to the mountains?) But make her do that so she feels you are not going to eat the sh!t she served you.

Run to the lawyer then. Arrange your ducks in a row.

Its not the time to act like a cuckold nice husband but time to act like a real man.


----------



## tom67

I think he already ran for the hills!


----------



## Kallan Pavithran

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/51949-wife-best-friend-having-least-ea.html

Best read for you.
See how this guy handled the situation like yours.


----------



## Kallan Pavithran

tom67 said:


> I think he already ran for the hills!




We cant change his fate. We can only advise him about the right and wrong things to do at this time, as we have already gone through this sh!t in our own life but he is the person to select its his life his decision.

He has to decide whether to live his life as a cuckold best husband or as a man with self respect with some one who truly deserve his love and affection.


----------



## ItsGonnabeAlright

You were played for years by both 'your wife' and your 'bf'. She was more 'his wife' than yours. After three years of sleeping with someone, I would say they had a serious relationship going. Three years of you sleeping with her and your 'bf'. Because let's face it, one day she was with him, then the next day with you, or maybe even on the same day. She's vicious. She's a vulture that preyed on your goodwill, kindness, and your trust for her. She used everything good about you, to use you. So did your former friend. They are no different from one another. One has a vagina, the other one doesn't. That's it. 
She wants to reconcile? Now? After three years? How many chances didn't she have to stop this at anytime, come out with the truth and work on your marriage?
She conveniently wants to 'work' on it. And by it, I mean her image, what may be said to people about what she did, etc. Not on your marriage. She's looking to cover her own ass.
3 years is not a mistake, how many times did they have sex in 3 years??
Let them have each other, kick her to the curb, and expose them in the worst way possible. 
It's so easy for her, if now that they've been caught, she points the finger at him, right? You have other friends right? They're not off the table, this woman will sleep with anyone.
Why do you think you can't do better?
YOU ARE BETTER THAN THIS. WHAT THEY DID TO YOU DOES NOT DEFINE YOU. MOVE ON, AND START OVER. YOU CAN DO IT. YOU CAN SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH SOMEONE WHO WILL TRULY LOVE YOU FOR WHO YOU ARE. YOU ARE A GREAT PERSON, AND YOU DESERVE A GREAT PERSON.


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## Eli-Zor

Take your time and make no decisions that effect your marriage until you are ready. Many marriages recover from infidelity including those that have affairs spanning many years.

As advised expose the affair to the OM's wife, include his parents and siblings in the exposure . This bypasses the potential that his wife may rug-sweep.

Do read the newbie thread and put into place the NC letters and permanent no contact. All the steps mentioned are to help ensure the affair is adversely affected and to help you . Go see a doctor, explain what has happened , your going to go on an emotional roller coaster and will need help.

Any items in your home that serve as a trigger need to be removed , including much of her clothing, initially replacement clothing for her is from a Walmart or similar type store not an expensive clothing boutique . Your wife should willingly help you and be doing everything to evidence she is a changed person. A warning ; do not ever let your wife blame-shift and imply in any way that you are responsible . Issues in your marriage would have been exacerbated by her adultery.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Justanotherstory

Still reading, thanks for the comments.

Only update is that he text her on Saturday morning "Hi". She rang me at work to say he had done this. He then text again "are u ok" on Saturday night and again she showed me when it came in. I rang him today, he took my call where I Just abused him for a few minutes before I hung up. Obv no bother to him. I fully see he is not going to go away.

I will expose him to his wife on either Wed Jan 9th or Thur Jan 10th. I could do this tomorrow but It needs to be then. He will be at work, kids are back at school (back Mon 7th) and as far as I know his wife works Mon and Tue so will be home alone. 

I also have something else in the bag which will also happen that day. I will leave it at that but his wife finding out may not cause him as much grief as this will. I will give full details once done.

Deal breaker. It already happened and I'm still here so no i dont know what it is.


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## Chaparral

Good luck. Deserves everything you can do to him.


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## keko

Justanotherstory said:


> Deal breaker. It already happened and I'm still here so no i dont know what it is.


Then you're not mature enough to be married.

I suggest you should divorce this one then work on yourself, learn what marriage is about BEFORE marrying again.


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## loveisforever

You can do this. You are prove you are a Man because you are today. But you were not treated as a Man by your wife and your bf before. Remember: You teach how people treat you.

And your perceived wife is not the "wife" before you now.


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## Shaggy

Keep us updated. I love to hear stories of the OM blowback.


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## Kallan Pavithran

Justanotherstory said:


> Still reading, thanks for the comments.
> 
> Only update is that *he text her on Saturday morning "Hi". She rang me at work to say he had done this. He then text again "are u ok" on Saturday night and again she showed me when it came in.* I rang him today, he took my call where I Just abused him for a few minutes before I hung up. Obv no bother to him. I fully see he is not going to go away.
> 
> I will expose him to his wife on either Wed Jan 9th or Thur Jan 10th. I could do this tomorrow but It needs to be then. He will be at work, kids are back at school (back Mon 7th) and as far as I know his wife works Mon and Tue so will be home alone.
> 
> *I also have something else in the bag which will also happen that day. I will leave it at that but his wife finding out may not cause him as much grief as this will.* I will give full details once done.
> 
> Deal breaker. It already happened and I'm still here so no i dont know what it is.



What a lovely, wonderful, caring and respectful wife you have....wah.
But why she is doing this now? Why she couldn't do this three yrs ago?
From where this love, care, honesty and respect came from, no way its from her heart but may be from her fear of loosing you. May be she saw you growing a pair which she searched for three yrs but couldn't find.

Beat the OM on the right spot so that he feels a fraction of hurt, humiliation and pain you are going through.


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## CleanJerkSnatch

The fact that you are willing to forgive your wife and work through this a prime example of admitting your mistakes and working on your marriage. Does marriage null after infidelity or is marriage only valid for easy times or is the 'til death do us part just for fancy wording for the "ceremony" to actually mean something?

Reconciliation, in my most humble opinion, after infidelity of a wife so difficult. I think that men suffer and think differently of infidelity than women do. They both hurt the same but when a man handles another mans wife, dominates another mans wife, oh the rage, the jealousy, ego kill, woe to the OM.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Decorum

I'm beginning to think that op and his wife are a lot alike.

They both seem passive and accepting of other people choices.

His wife "fell" into the affair and never acted to end it.
Now its over and she accepts the role as the remorseful wife while he is just glad she is back, as it were.

Its like one of those english comedies where people seem like blank slates.

This made her vulnerable to his best friends sexual interest and makes him accepting of her weakness.

I'm not trying to bash but maybe their personalities are both very passive and demure.

And this is how they deal with things.


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## Kallan Pavithran

any update?


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## Acabado

Justanotherstory said:


> *I will expose him to his wife on either Wed Jan 9th or Thur Jan 10th*. I could do this tomorrow but It needs to be then. He will be at work, kids are back at school (back Mon 7th) and as far as I know his wife works Mon and Tue so will be home alone.
> I also have something else in the bag which will also happen that day. I will leave it at that but his wife finding out may not cause him as much grief as this will. I will give full details once done.


Hi man. Were you able to do it?
How are you doing, friend? Are you taking care of yourself, your health? I realiting hitting? How is she behaving, is she proactive, seeking help, reading books, doing introspection and soul searching? Any insight on how she gave herself permission go to towards that path?
Are you monitoring her?


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## Justanotherstory

Acabado said:


> Hi man. Were you able to do it?
> How are you doing, friend? Are you taking care of yourself, your health? I realiting hitting? How is she behaving, is she proactive, seeking help, reading books, doing introspection and soul searching? Any insight on how she gave herself permission go to towards that path?
> Are you monitoring her?


I got the Vas and put it in her car last Friday (her 1st day back at work and out of the house). Since then she has gone to and from work 3 times, gone shopping once as well as going out last Friday night to her friend's (girl) house (while picking up one of her other friends) . All these have been clear with no phone calls. Timing wise to and from houses also added up. Her phone has being left open for me to check and nothing on it. 

Facebook has been de activated. Her e mail is also open but they never communicated in these ways anyway.

She has being doing everything that I ask as well as showing remorse (i know, maybe that she got caught ). At the moment it has stopped 100%.

I was actually really really looking forward to today. I had butterfly's as I turned into her estate. Alas, omw is at work (no car and her mum's car is now there to mind the kids after school) so it moves on to tomorrow.

He works in another city about 2 hours away so leaves on Mon morning and comes back on Fri night. Hopefully his world comes down around him soon.

Homelife is ok, we are getting on and talking a lot. It's when i'm out of there and have time to think that is the hardest. Crying has stopped for now with bitterness and anger on the agenda. This stops when i'm back home and with the kids.

I suppose after the exposure I will see (or hear) if he contacts, see, what her reaction is and find out does she tell me. Also see my ws reaction to maybe having everyone find out. I will keep ye updated....


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## Chaparral

Good job, keep trying.


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## sandc

I'm glad I have no best friend.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Decorum

Yep, you are taking the right steps.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## naga75

Dont discount those times when you are away and it seems hardest. 
Those are my hardest times as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## carmen ohio

Justanotherstory said:


> I got the Vas and put it in her car last Friday (her 1st day back at work and out of the house). Since then she has gone to and from work 3 times, gone shopping once *as well as going out last Friday night to her friend's (girl) house (while picking up one of her other friends)* .
> 
> ...


If I were you, I wouldn't let my WW go anywhere without me except to work and on short shopping trips. IMO, girls' nights out are not appropriate for a woman who has engaged in the kind of behavior your WW has. Frankly, given the age in which we live, I'm not sure that married people (Hs or Ws) should ever have "nights out" without their spouses, unless they're going to church functions. Too many extramarital relationships start when one spouse is out drinking with friends.


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## Justanotherstory

carmen ohio said:


> If I were you, I wouldn't let my WW go anywhere without me except to work and on short shopping trips. IMO, girls' nights out are not appropriate for a woman who has engaged in the kind of behavior your WW has. Frankly, given the age in which we live, I'm not sure that married people (Hs or Ws) should ever have "nights out" without their spouses, unless they're going to church functions. Too many extramarital relationships start when one spouse is out drinking with friends.


True but 2 things, this was to another friends house with no drink for a couple of hours + it was also the 1st time she left the house and I wanted to see if she was going to call him having set up the VAS in the car.

OMW is not at home  and will be picking up the kids soon...


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## walkonmars

Justanotherstory said:


> True but 2 things, this was to another friends house with no drink for a couple of hours + it was also the 1st time she left the house and* I wanted to see if she was going to call him having set up the VAS in the car.*
> 
> OMW is not at home  and will be picking up the kids soon...


Good (to the bold part). Did you ever find out who else knew/approved of their affair?

If the friend she visited is such a close friend, I would suspect she found out what was going on sometime during the three years. What if her friend provided a 'safe place' for your wife to make contact by phone? 

Is her friend married? If so, is her husband a friend of yours?


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## Chaparral

Justanotherstory said:


> True but 2 things, this was to another friends house with no drink for a couple of hours + it was also the 1st time she left the house and I wanted to see if she was going to call him having set up the VAS in the car.
> 
> OMW is not at home  and will be picking up the kids soon...


It was a trap. Unfortunately, they may just lay low for awhile.

Hope things work out for your family.

Hope you have good luck busting his bubble. I'm guessing he thinks he's in the clear.


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## sandc

Could OM have warned his wife to not stay home alone? Maybe he's told her you're mad at him and are stalking her so you can tell her lies.


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## Lmodel

Mate I've been where you are and I hear your pain. A double betrayal is indeed a train wreck. We are 9 months from Dday and honestly the pain has subsided a little but what my wife did to me and my family is on my mind constantly, whilst we are trying to work things out I seriously doubt we'll get through this. 

Was the othe bloke married? 

As far as getting even with the other bloke, just take your time and wait for the opportunity to square up legally. There is an old saying "revenge is a dish best served cold" 

From someone who had been exactly in your position I would insist on knowing everything, every detail. I think it's only fair that you know everything so you can make your decisions based on the full picture. Ultimately until you know it's going to chew you up inside until you do know.

Take your time to make decisions.

Does your circle of friends know, particularly your wife's friends? In my case all my wife's friends deserted her.


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## Justanotherstory

Finally ,

Had gone to their house both days over last 2 weeks that omw was supposed to be off. !st week she was not in either day, 2nd week strange car in drive (guy tiling the kitchen). Thought she was now full time so decided to call this evening.

She answered and said "what's happened". I tell her everything and then she fills me in. I knew he had cheated on her in collage when they were just going out. She tells me he had an affair while they were engaged (maybe 10 years ago). She kicks him out. He writes a 2 page sorry, its only you forever. She eventually takes him back and they get married.

So she always had doubts. Around 2 years ago she saw a text from my wife (nothing in it) but his reply was something more than friendly. She went mad, he convinced her no way as it was my wife and she let it slide. She had the same suspicion as me but never followed up as it her attitude was no way could they be.

Anyway, she has until Friday when he comes home. She is shipping the kids out and (at this moment in time) will fling him out then. 

The other "thing". Well basically he stole a large amount from his last job (financial). He still had the majority of it but had to borrow around $60,000 to pay it all back. He was reported to the cops but nothing has happened these last 18 months. They made him resign. He got this other job (still in finance) and they never referenced checked him. 1 call to them and he is history. His wife has asked me not to do this as it would ruin them financially. I agreed to keep this silver bullet for the time being.

Tonight was tough. Seeing how sad she was and knowing what she will be going through from now but it had to be done. It also helped me to talk to someone else about the whole thing. 

Home life is as good as it can be with everything that has happened. VAS is still in the car and nothing these past weeks. With the amount of checks i'm doing on mails, phones etc, I know (as best I can) that their has being no contact since December when he sent the 2 texts but I'm still on my toes and if something does happen I will be ready.


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## Will_Kane

It's very unusual to give up such a long-term affair immediately and cold turkey as your wife seems to have done.

Why do you think your wife quit the affair so quickly?

Did she not have deep feelings for the other man?

Was she getting sick of other man and you just happened to find out when she already was just about done?

Did she give you any indication of how she did this so much for so long and then just ended it so quickly?


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## walkonmars

There's going to be an explosion at his home this wkend. Be prepared for possible fallout.


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## The Cro-Magnon

Someone remind me again what consequences the ww has suffered? Was she served? Kicked out? Anything? The OM is getting kicked out by his wife, but op's WW seems to have just been forgiven and given R on a platter
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy

Be on the watch for you wife suddenly needing a lot of private time and even time away this weekend or next week. It really smells like there is a burner or work phone being used.


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## walkonmars

The Cro-Magnon said:


> Someone remind me again what consequences the ww has suffered? Was she served? Kicked out? Anything? The I'm is getting kicked out by his wife, but op's WW seems to have just been forgiven and given R on a platter
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She said "my bad"


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## tom67

Shaggy said:


> Be on the watch for you wife suddenly needing a lot of private time and even time away this weekend or next week. It really smells like there is a burner or work phone being used.


:iagree: Stay vigilant and she has no password on the mobile and you have access to everything else.


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## AlphaHalf

> Someone remind me again what consequences the ww has suffered? Was she served? Kicked out? Anything? The I'm is getting kicked out by his wife, but op's WW seems to have just been forgiven and given R on a platter




It seems only thing the WW has to do is not talk to the OM. After 3 years of riding that pony, she was probably bored anyways, so moving on is no big deal for her. Its easy to cut the sling load when you get off scot-free.


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## alte Dame

This may have been mentioned, but have you read bff's thread? His W had a 7-yr. A in a marriage of 10 years. bff did a great job of getting a confession and moving on to divorce.

I've read this entire thread & can't for the life of me understand why you are reconciling. Is it PTSD? Has it not hit home what has happened?

Life is too short to consign yourself to a lifetime of looking at such naked betrayal in the face every day.

Please reconsider your decision to reconcile. It can't be a healthy thing for you to do.


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## The Cro-Magnon

It is 100% guaranteed the op won't absorb what is being said here. He will just be drenched in awesome relief that his ww has "taken him back".
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67

alte Dame said:


> This may have been mentioned, but have you read bff's thread? His W had a 7-yr. A in a marriage of 10 years. bff did a great job of getting a confession and moving on to divorce.
> 
> I've read this entire thread & can't for the life of me understand why you are reconciling. Is it PTSD? Has it not hit home what has happened?
> 
> Life is too short to consign yourself to a lifetime of looking at such naked betrayal in the face every day.
> 
> Please reconsider your decision to reconcile. It can't be a healthy thing for you to do.


Wait till he hits the anger stage about 3 to 5 months down. It will happen and watch out.


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## sandc

tom67 said:


> Wait till he hits the anger stage about 3 to 5 months down. It will happen and watch out.


That's what I think happened to HerHusband. He's gone off the reservation and hasn't been heard from since.


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