# Experience/advice with cutting



## LadybugMomma

I found out last week that my 14 yo daughter has been cutting herself. I knew she was dealing with depression and anxiety. I took her to her Ped who sent a referral for counseling. She has been seeing a counselor for two weeks. Last week was the second appointment and the day she felt that I needed to know. She told her counselor the first week. 

At counseling my daughter was asked by the counselor, what she needed from me at this point in time. All she requested was for me to physically (she holes herself up in her room) check in on her twice daily and be available to her via text at any time. Of course she's in school during the week and I work so those check-ins start as soon as I get home from work. 

I know that's all she's asking for and I respect that. My daughter has been very open with her counselor so I feel comfortable in that sense. It just feels like I should be doing more. I know my daughter is going through a lot right now with every day 14 yo stuff. I also know she's struggling with her sexuality. There's issues with her bio dad and she longs for a closer bond with her step dad (my husband). Those are a few things that I'm aware of, the rest, I'm clueless. My daughter doesn't even know what it is that's bothering her. Just a bunch of stuff that she's trying to sort out with the help of the counselor. 

So, any advice, help or experience anyone has with this would be helpful and appreciated.


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## heartbroken50

LadybugMomma said:


> I found out last week that my 14 yo daughter has been cutting herself. I knew she was dealing with depression and anxiety. I took her to her Ped who sent a referral for counseling. She has been seeing a counselor for two weeks. Last week was the second appointment and the day she felt that I needed to know. She told her counselor the first week.
> 
> At counseling my daughter was asked by the counselor, what she needed from me at this point in time. All she requested was for me to physically (she holes herself up in her room) check in on her twice daily and be available to her via text at any time. Of course she's in school during the week and I work so those check-ins start as soon as I get home from work.
> 
> I know that's all she's asking for and I respect that. My daughter has been very open with her counselor so I feel comfortable in that sense. It just feels like I should be doing more. I know my daughter is going through a lot right now with every day 14 yo stuff. I also know she's struggling with her sexuality. There's issues with her bio dad and she longs for a closer bond with her step dad (my husband). Those are a few things that I'm aware of, the rest, I'm clueless. My daughter doesn't even know what it is that's bothering her. Just a bunch of stuff that she's trying to sort out with the help of the counselor.
> 
> So, any advice, help or experience anyone has with this would be helpful and appreciated.



So sorry you are both going through this. My 14 yr old son has a brief history with cutting also. 

Just over a year ago he was having dark suicidal thoughts, and was admitted for 2 weeks until he stabilized on new meds. He has chronic health issues and my husband had recently gone through a year of hell battling cancer (surgeries and chemo) so he was dealing with a lot for his age, and much like your daughter, he holed up in his room. 

While he was inpatient, it came out that he had also been experimenting with cutting. We were shocked! We had no idea. A few things we have done:

1. He has IC (individual counseling) weekly, and we do FT (family therapy) as well.

2. We have a safety plan with him, including a safe word for when he is having dark thoughts so that we can address them right away.

3. We no longer keep sharp knives, razors, craft knives out in the open. Initially we actually locked them up, since he's more stable now we just keep them out of view.

4. We informed the school psychologist and facilitated regular checks for him with her at school.

5. We do check in with him when he is holed up in his room, and gently encourage him to participate more in family and social activities.

He's doing much better this year. Missing less school, and joined the drama club (he's now a freshman). He's recently opened up to a couple of friends about what he went through last year so that he could increase his support network.

I hope she will be ok, and I'm sending positive vibes for you both. It's so hard to see our kids in pain and not know how to help them. (((hugs)))


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## Hope1964

My daughter is 22 now but she dealt with a little bit of cutting, plus bulimia, when she was a teen. And she and I have always been very close. The worst for her was when she was 15-16. One thing that helped tremendously was the right counselor. We found one who used yoga principles and art therapy - she helped me choose her. It was very important to both of us for her to have someone she clicked with. The first lady we saw was very overweight, and when my daughter told me she couldn't take someone that overweight seriously when talking about eating disorders, I listened. Anyway. I also wanted someone who would communicate with me and keep me in the loop.

It also helped my daughter that she was homeschooling (unschooling actually). I took her out of school in grade nine. Her anxiety level was through the roof - I shudder to think what it would have been like if she'd had to attend high school. She wouldn't be the person she is today, that's for sure. If that's something you have thought about, get the Teenage Liberation Handbook and read it with her. 

https://archive.org/details/TheTeenageLiberationHandbook

My thoughts are with you. Raising daughters is HARD!!


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## LadybugMomma

heartbroken50 said:


> So sorry you are both going through this. My 14 yr old son has a brief history with cutting also.
> 
> Just over a year ago he was having dark suicidal thoughts, and was admitted for 2 weeks until he stabilized on new meds. He has chronic health issues and my husband had recently gone through a year of hell battling cancer (surgeries and chemo) so he was dealing with a lot for his age, and much like your daughter, he holed up in his room.
> 
> While he was inpatient, it came out that he had also been experimenting with cutting. We were shocked! We had no idea. A few things we have done:
> 
> 1. He has IC (individual counseling) weekly, and we do FT (family therapy) as well.
> 
> 2. We have a safety plan with him, including a safe word for when he is having dark thoughts so that we can address them right away.
> 
> 3. We no longer keep sharp knives, razors, craft knives out in the open. Initially we actually locked them up, since he's more stable now we just keep them out of view.
> 
> 4. We informed the school psychologist and facilitated regular checks for him with her at school.
> 
> 5. We do check in with him when he is holed up in his room, and gently encourage him to participate more in family and social activities.
> 
> He's doing much better this year. Missing less school, and joined the drama club (he's now a freshman). He's recently opened up to a couple of friends about what he went through last year so that he could increase his support network.
> 
> I hope she will be ok, and I'm sending positive vibes for you both. It's so hard to see our kids in pain and not know how to help them. (((hugs)))


Thank you for responding. It's all so new and I can't wrap my head around it. But I do want what's best for her with out her thinking she can walk all over everyone, too. Last week in counseling we were able to convince my daughter to give up the "object" she cut with. It is only with the agreement that she put it away in something secure so I couldn't see it and give it to me. She did and I put it away out of the sight. Still there are sharp objects in the house and the thought has crossed my mind about whether she gets something else. I'm hopeful that she outed herself before things got too bad. 

Things have been stressful around our home lately. Her sharing a room with her step brother & sister. My new marriage, her not having a very good relationship with her own father etc. mixed with every day teen stuff. It's no wonder she's depressed/anxious.

You being so kind to share your experience gives me different things I can talk to her counselor about at the next appointment. I appreciate it. 

Positive vibes and best thoughts for you, your family and your son as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LadybugMomma

Hope1964 said:


> My daughter is 22 now but she dealt with a little bit of cutting, plus bulimia, when she was a teen. And she and I have always been very close. The worst for her was when she was 15-16. One thing that helped tremendously was the right counselor. We found one who used yoga principles and art therapy - she helped me choose her. It was very important to both of us for her to have someone she clicked with. The first lady we saw was very overweight, and when my daughter told me she couldn't take someone that overweight seriously when talking about eating disorders, I listened. Anyway. I also wanted someone who would communicate with me and keep me in the loop.
> 
> It also helped my daughter that she was homeschooling (unschooling actually). I took her out of school in grade nine. Her anxiety level was through the roof - I shudder to think what it would have been like if she'd had to attend high school. She wouldn't be the person she is today, that's for sure. If that's something you have thought about, get the Teenage Liberation Handbook and read it with her.
> 
> https://archive.org/details/TheTeenageLiberationHandbook
> 
> My thoughts are with you. Raising daughters is HARD!!


Thank you as well, Hope, for sharing your story. This counselor is the second my daughter has seen. She saw one at the beginning of the year and didn't click at all and that discouraged her from wanting to go. I feel confident that this counselor is a perfect match for my daughter. She's very trained it this sort of illness. 

I haven't ever thought of taking her out of school because she has good friends that she loves to see while there. However there's the mean girls as well that I often wonder if they cause her the anxiety she suffers. Whatever the case she has amazing grades. I'll look at the link you attached though, should I ever feel it's a need to pull her out. 

You are SO right, raising girls is hard. I have two older boys who were a breeze! But certainly didn't come without some tears, fears & worries. Nothing like this though. 

Thank you again for sharing your experience. It's appreciated so much.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964

I also have two older boys! Their problems were always much more straightforward. Sigh.

It helped my daughter that one of her best friends also unschooled with her. The two of them became really close going through that together.

The thing that really made me realize how stressed she'd been was that she quit biting her nails within 3 months of coming out of school. She had bitten them since she was about 4. It was like a miracle - seriously - I had tried EVERYTHING. Plus her 'stomach aches' disappeared. We'd been to the dr for YEARS and gotten prescriptions for everything from antacids to the pill.

It's a radical move and would have to be up to her, not you. But worth looking into. I hope you can find peace.


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## Thor

I'm sorry your daughter is having such a tough time.

Both of my daughters had brief periods of cutting. It had become a bit of a fad amongst teens back then, and I think both of them were introduced to it by friends. I would try to figure out if any of her friends are cutters and encourage your daughter to hang out with a different crowd. I hid or threw away all the razor blades and box cutter tools in the house. It is impractical to lock up all the kitchen knives. Razor blades seemed to be the tool of choice back 10 yrs ago when it was going on here, so it made sense to make them unavailable. Of course the kids can buy blades but I wasn't going to be the one to provide a blade.


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## Uptown

Ladybug, cutting usually results from depression, anxiety disorder, bipolar disorder, or BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). People typically do it when their internal emotional pain is so great that they are able to reduce that pain and regulate it by externalizing it -- getting it outside to the surface of their bodies. In that way, it provides a sense of relief and control. Cutting is a more worrisome sign when seen in adults than in adolescents.

*In adults*, the primary cause of cutting seems to be BPD. A 2004 hospital study, for example, concluded that _"the majority of those who self-mutilate are women with borderline personality disorder. This complex, maladaptive behavior is used by clients as a means of self-preservation and emotion regulation, and is often associated with childhood trauma."_ See J Psychosoc Nurs Ment Health Serv. 2004. This strong association in adults is why the APA's diagnostic manual (DSM-5) lists _"self-harming behavior such as cutting"_ for only one disorder: BPD. That is, of the 157 disorders listed in DSM-5, only BPD has "cutting" listed as one of its defining traits.

*In adolescents*, however, BPD is not believed to be the primary cause of self harm. I say this because, while the lifetime incidence of BPD is 6% of the population, the incidence of cutting and other forms of self harm (e.g., burning and self hitting) is believed to be roughly 15% for adolescents. See, e.g., J. of Fam. Medicine 2010. Moreover, because adolescents are subject to very strong hormone changes, a substantial share of them exhibit strong BPD traits for several years. This is why psychologists generally are reluctant to diagnose BPD in people under the age of 18.


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## caruso

As a father to 2 girls who are now grown but went through a miserable time due to the shakeup in their lives from the divorce I'll tell you this much.

Kids are deeply affected by divorce as it is, and what you do during and subsequent to the divorce can have a huge bearing on how they far.

I think you made a bad choice by putting your daughter into this situation as you describe it on an earlier thread.



LadybugMomma said:


> His kids (11 & 9) share a bedroom w/my 14 year old daughter. This is all we have right now, because my house is so small that there are no other options.


There were options. Such as not moving in together if you cannot give her the privacy a 14 year old girl requires. i mean a sibling is one thing, but two kids that are unrelated? Don't know their gender but if one or both is a boy.. there is the potential for real problems here.

I think you need to make this right. Whatever it takes. I'm rather surprised a therapist hasn't already told you this.


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## LadybugMomma

caruso said:


> As a father to 2 girls who are now grown but went through a miserable time due to the shakeup in their lives from the divorce I'll tell you this much.
> 
> Kids are deeply affected by divorce as it is, and what you do during and subsequent to the divorce can have a huge bearing on how they far.
> 
> I think you made a bad choice by putting your daughter into this situation as you describe it on an earlier thread.
> 
> 
> 
> There were options. Such as not moving in together if you cannot give her the privacy a 14 year old girl requires. i mean a sibling is one thing, but two kids that are unrelated? Don't know their gender but if one or both is a boy.. there is the potential for real problems here.
> 
> I think you need to make this right. Whatever it takes. I'm rather surprised a therapist hasn't already told you this.


And I'm feeling like I've made a huge mistake in this sense, as well. My husband and I were in the beginning stages of financing an addition on our home to give my daughter her own space/room. And then out of the blue, his ex swoops in and hits him up for child support. In my previous posts, I think I mentioned how his ex "opted out" of support. Well we know he's going to have to pay, we're just not sure yet. So, the addition process has been put on hold.

I thought with the counseling I had my daughter in after my divorce, had set her on a good path. 

I feel like complete crap. Feeling like the choices I've made have been a contributing factor in this. I'm currently trying to figure out how to resolve the living arrangement. The only option, aside from H staying in a hotel with his kids every other weekend is his kids sleep on the couches in the living room. Which H has said they'd do. But that also means every other weekend H and I will not be sleeping in the same bed, because he won't have his kids sleeping downstairs alone, while the rest of us are upstairs. 

I know more than anything my daughters well being is what matters most. And I'm determined to get her well. 

Thank you for your input. I appreciate it.


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## caruso

I was researching your back posts just now and came back to respond when I saw you had just replied to my post. I see that you are aware of the problems related to the shared bedroom situation which came about due to unexpected circumstances, so I'm sorry if I'm being too hard on you but since my advice was well taken I'll continue.

In regard to your step daughter (SD)



LadybugMomma said:


> SD can walk, talk and even braids her own hair! She has a left side deficit. Her brain function isn't that of an average 11 yo, but I also feel she has SO much more potential but grandma admits she babies those kids. She "babied her kids and will baby the grandkids."
> 
> Sad constantly has her shoes on the wrong feet. I tell her all the time to "check your shoes, do they feel/look right?" The she changes them. She often has her clothes on backwards or inside out. I also tell her to look at herself and see if her clothes look/feel right.
> 
> IDK about anyone else, but if she can braid her own hair very well with her bummed hand too, she should be able to tell if her shoes are on the right feet


It appears that you don't understand how SD processes things; as far as you're concerned she "should be able to tell if her shoes are on the right feet". Well, that's not the case. Don't you think if SD knew her shoes were on the wrong feet, she'd swap the shoes so she wouldn't be uncomfortable? It's great that you point it out and then she's responsive and swaps the shoes but she isn't really learning anything- it may very well be this way FOREVER and it's not because she doesn't care or is lazy. She just doesn't get it.

You've decided she should be able to do these things, without fully understanding how her mind works - or doesn't work-. Everyone else is "babying her" in your opinion. Well maybe, just maybe they are more aware of the degree of her inability to function then you are and they are giving her the assistance she needs. Maybe when Grandma "babies" her by offering to put on her shoes, she's really giving her assistance that she actually NEEDS.



LadybugMomma said:


> I once talked to H's ex about it and told her I felt they weren't giving SD enough credit and I felt she had so much more potential. She told me I needed to mind my own business and be realistic about her disability.


I tend to agree with the H's ex.

I bring up the SD as an example because just maybe you are being too tough on your own daughter to make her more independent.



LadybugMomma said:


> I guess my main worry is that how these parents are raising their children now, will effect how they could turn out as an adult. If it's anything like their mom has turned out, we can expect to have 40 y.o. children living with us forever because they're not taught to do things for themselves, and they'll depend on everyone else to carry them. And I'm raising my children to be independent so I can at some point in the future, have some peace and quiet, you know?


Perhaps this is why the therapist's gentle advice to you is to leave her alone unless you are specifically asked to intervene. This is the sort of advice given to parents when they are being overly obtrusive and there is concern that their actions are causing the problems exibited by their children. 

- I wrote this before you replied about the planned addition that was put on hold due to unexpected child support obligations cropping up-

I also noticed by reading your back posts that in fact, your 14 year old daughter has been forced to give up what used to be her own room, in order to share with 2 non related children, one of which is a boy. So the poor girl goes through the trauma of a divorce, and then has to suddenly share her own room with an unrelated girl and a boy at the very sensitive age of 14.


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## LadybugMomma

Hope1964 said:


> I also have two older boys! Their problems were always much more straightforward. Sigh.
> 
> It helped my daughter that one of her best friends also unschooled with her. The two of them became really close going through that together.
> 
> The thing that really made me realize how stressed she'd been was that she quit biting her nails within 3 months of coming out of school. She had bitten them since she was about 4. It was like a miracle - seriously - I had tried EVERYTHING. Plus her 'stomach aches' disappeared. We'd been to the dr for YEARS and gotten prescriptions for everything from antacids to the pill.
> 
> It's a radical move and would have to be up to her, not you. But worth looking into. I hope you can find peace.


Last year I got a letter home from my daughters school saying they were concerned about the amount of time she had missed from school. My daughter had a lot of stomach issues, as well, last year that caused her to miss a lot of time. Thankfully, she's as sharp as a whip, so her grades were great, regardless. 

Thanks again, Hope.


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## Yeswecan

My W and I had the same experience with our daughter. It was in part do to low self-esteem and sexuality. She is a petite girl. Her small stature always made her self-esteem very low. Furthermore, one day at her school a boy turned to her and said the following, "You are about the most ugliest thing I have ever seen." Imagine her self-esteem after that statement. Little prepubescent punk. I hope a thousand fleas infest his armpits for a thousand years for saying that. After many years of taking our daughter to doctors who specialize in smaller kids, finding clothing that is for teen girls and shoes that don't have Dora the Explore on them did she finally stop. We also had some counseling that involved individual and both myself and W in one session. My W is 5'1". Our daughter is 5'0". Nothing holds her back except herself. 

I image your daughter is having some self-esteem issues. Perhaps to how she looks. A group at school are perhaps bullying. These are the things that are hard to pry out of their developing brain. It is very trying to say the least. More than likely your D will talk about things with the counselor because there will be no judgments made. Simply talk. Sometimes you can say the same to your D. No judgment. Simply talk.


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## LadybugMomma

caruso said:


> I was researching your back posts just now and came back to respond when I saw you had just replied to my post. I see that you are aware of the problems related to the shared bedroom situation which came about due to unexpected circumstances, so I'm sorry if I'm being too hard on you but since my advice was well taken I'll continue.
> 
> In regard to your step daughter (SD)
> 
> 
> 
> It appears that you don't understand how SD processes things; as far as you're concerned she "should be able to tell if her shoes are on the right feet". Well, that's not the case. Don't you think if SD knew her shoes were on the wrong feet, she'd swap the shoes so she wouldn't be uncomfortable? It's great that you point it out and then she's responsive and swaps the shoes but she isn't really learning anything- it may very well be this way FOREVER and it's not because she doesn't care or is lazy. She just doesn't get it.
> 
> You've decided she should be able to do these things, without fully understanding how her mind works - or doesn't work-. Everyone else is "babying her" in your opinion. Well maybe, just maybe they are more aware of the degree of her inability to function then you are and they are giving her the assistance she needs. Maybe when Grandma "babies" her by offering to put on her shoes, she's really giving her assistance that she actually NEEDS.
> 
> 
> 
> I tend to agree with the H's ex.
> 
> I bring up the SD as an example because just maybe you are being too tough on your own daughter to make her more independent.
> 
> 
> 
> Perhaps this is why the therapist's gentle advice to you is to leave her alone unless you are specifically asked to intervene. This is the sort of advice given to parents when they are being overly obtrusive and there is concern that their actions are causing the problems exibited by their children.
> 
> - I wrote this before you replied about the planned addition that was put on hold due to unexpected child support obligations cropping up-
> 
> I also noticed by reading your back posts that in fact, your 14 year old daughter has been forced to give up what used to be her own room, in order to share with 2 non related children, one of which is a boy. So the poor girl goes through the trauma of a divorce, and then has to suddenly share her own room with an unrelated girl and a boy at the very sensitive age of 14.


I appreciate your responses. At this point in time I take whatever advice I can get. I like truth and honesty so your responses don't come across as harsh. As for my SD, I've pretty much taken a hands off approach. If her hair needs brushing, her shirt is inside out or her shoes are on the wrong feet, I simply tell her and she corrects it. 

When my ex and I were together we went to family/couples counseling. At the time I was told I was a helicopter mom and my ex was the general that ruled with an iron fist. The counselor told us that there would be a time where our children would be gone and they'd flip my ex the bird and never come to see me again, because of their dad. I hovered and protected my kids because their dad was so strict, do as I say, not as I do, children are meant to be seen, not heard etc...you get my point. 

The counselor also told us that we needed to parent today, in a way that prepares our children for the future. We live in a difficult world and it keeps getting harder. 

When he and I divorced I realized that I had to stop hovering and find the balance between nurturing and discipline. It's likely that I'm having a struggle with finding the balance. 

These are all situations that are on the list of things to discuss with my daughters counselor. She's aware of the living arrangements and knows that I'm aware that it's a problem and also that it's a work in progress.


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## caruso

LadybugMomma said:


> She's aware of the living arrangements and knows that I'm aware that it's a problem and also that it's a work in progress.


Until such time as you can either move or expand, short of kicking out your husband and his kids twice a month is there anywhere in the house that you can grab enough space for a small bedroom? You don't need much and you might be surprised at how you can carve out the needed space by either finishing part of the basement, or garage, or an all weather porch, or remove a large closet or part of a laundry area or mudroom, and/or steal some space from an adjacent room..been there, done that. Usually you can find the space if you look hard enough and are willing to make some sacrifices.


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## LadybugMomma

Yeswecan said:


> My W and I had the same experience with our daughter. It was in part do to low self-esteem and sexuality. She is a petite girl. Her small stature always made her self-esteem very low. Furthermore, one day at her school a boy turned to her and said the following, "You are about the most ugliest thing I have ever seen." Imagine her self-esteem after that statement. Little prepubescent punk. I hope a thousand fleas infest his armpits for a thousand years for saying that. After many years of taking our daughter to doctors who specialize in smaller kids, finding clothing that is for teen girls and shoes that don't have Dora the Explore on them did she finally stop. We also had some counseling that involved individual and both myself and W in one session. My W is 5'1". Our daughter is 5'0". Nothing holds her back except herself.
> 
> I image your daughter is having some self-esteem issues. Perhaps to how she looks. A group at school are perhaps bullying. These are the things that are hard to pry out of their developing brain. It is very trying to say the least. More than likely your D will talk about things with the counselor because there will be no judgments made. Simply talk. Sometimes you can say the same to your D. No judgment. Simply talk.


Self esteem is a big issue with her. Last year a girl who was supposed to be one of her best friends called her fat. My daughter is about 5'9" and 170. She carries a bit of extra weight according to the BMI charts, but in my opinion isn't "fat", by any means. And people have told me that her beauty is breath taking, and they are correct. She's far from ugly and I tell her all the time how beautiful she is. But when a kids esteem is beaten down, it's hard for them to get out of that slump. 

Some kids can be so cruel.


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## LadybugMomma

caruso said:


> Until such time as you can either move or expand, short of kicking out your husband and his kids twice a month is there anywhere in the house that you can grab enough space for a small bedroom? You don't need much and you might be surprised at how you can carve out the needed space by either finishing part of the basement, or garage, or an all weather porch, or remove a large closet or part of a laundry area or mudroom, and/or steal some space from an adjacent room..been there, done that. Usually you can find the space if you look hard enough and are willing to make some sacrifices.


I SO wish there was room to utilize. Our home is 910 square feet. The basement is damp & cold. I have a back room that gets cold in the winter, leads to the deck/back yard which is the way we let our dogs out into the yard. My best thought so far, is buying a sofa bed couch and H and I sleeping in the living room and moving his kids into our room, until we are sure we can do the addition.


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## Yeswecan

LadybugMomma said:


> Self esteem is a big issue with her. Last year a girl who was supposed to be one of her best friends called her fat. My daughter is about 5'9" and 170. She carries a bit of extra weight according to the BMI charts, but in my opinion isn't "fat", by any means. And people have told me that her beauty is breath taking, and they are correct. She's far from ugly and I tell her all the time how beautiful she is. But when a kids esteem is beaten down, it's hard for them to get out of that slump.
> 
> Some kids can be so cruel.


Yes LBM, I have no doubt your daughter is suffering from self-esteem and self-image issue. Everyone in the world could call your D and my D the most beautiful swan in the world and they would believe it if it was just not for that one kid that called them fat or ugly. It is very hard to get them out of the slump. What did it for our D was landing a job and finding that boys did like her. Asking for a date. Finding clothing that was like the other teenage girls(remember her small stature XXS is what she wears) makes it hard to find clothing that fits and is for teenagers. She wears a size 2 shoe in womens! Those you don't find at the local friggin Walmart. Anyway, our D has overcome a lot of esteem issues but carries some as well. We found shops that carried XXS clothing that made her look like the other teenagers. She now fit in as it were. 

Anyway, I'm sure you tell you D that she is beautiful and a catch just like we did with ours but in their mind you are mom/dad. You are supposed to say those things. They appear to be validated when this comes from outside the family. Let me say it will happen. Until then you try your best to navigate the growing pains as best you can. Be supportive. Always remind them they can talk to you about ANYTHING without judgment.


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## caruso

LadybugMomma said:


> I SO wish there was room to utilize. Our home is 910 square feet. The basement is damp & cold. I have a back room that gets cold in the winter, leads to the deck/back yard which is the way we let our dogs out into the yard. My best thought so far, is buying a sofa bed couch and H and I sleeping in the living room and moving his kids into our room, until we are sure we can do the addition.


You've got the space. Not sure how handy your husband is but like I said I've been there. The basement is damp and cold, so what. It's dry, right? That's all that matters.

The walls get painted with Dry Lock concrete sealer, then plastic sheets are hung around the perimeter by stapling them into the ceiling joists to hold them up, then using aluminum studs which are easily cut using a snipper and framed using a cordless screwdriver, walls are placed around the perimeter and then insulated and finished with paneling and sheetrock. Drop a grid ceiling and paint the walls, install a low pile all weather carpet or those self stick carpet squares; put a portable heater and dehumidifer down there and you're done, a few weekends worth of work and maybe 2k total materials.

She won't be disappointed.


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## LadybugMomma

Yeswecan said:


> Yes LBM, I have no doubt your daughter is suffering from self-esteem and self-image issue. Everyone in the world could call your D and my D the most beautiful swan in the world and they would believe it if it was just not for that one kid that called them fat or ugly. It is very hard to get them out of the slump. What did it for our D was landing a job and finding that boys did like her. Asking for a date. Finding clothing that was like the other teenage girls(remember her small stature XXS is what she wears) makes it hard to find clothing that fits and is for teenagers. She wears a size 2 shoe in womens! Those you don't find at the local friggin Walmart. Anyway, our D has overcome a lot of esteem issues but carries some as well. We found shops that carried XXS clothing that made her look like the other teenagers. She now fit in as it were.
> 
> Anyway, I'm sure you tell you D that she is beautiful and a catch just like we did with ours but in their mind you are mom/dad. You are supposed to say those things. They appear to be validated when this comes from outside the family. Let me say it will happen. Until then you try your best to navigate the growing pains as best you can. Be supportive. Always remind them they can talk to you about ANYTHING without judgment.


YES!! I think that too, coming from mom/dad and family, she feels that's what we are supposed to say! I'm so glad I'm not alone in those feelings. I'm glad you've over come this with you D. It makes me hopeful to think that I'm on my way to getting mine healthy and happy. I look forward to those moments where she starts dating and getting the good attention (other than me and family)that she needs. I may have to hurt any boy who decides to hurts her once we've over come this! Ha!! Thank you so much for you help.


----------



## LadybugMomma

caruso said:


> You've got the space. Not sure how handy your husband is but like I said I've been there. The basement is damp and cold, so what. It's dry, right? That's all that matters.
> 
> The walls get painted with Dry Lock concrete sealer, then plastic sheets are hung around the perimeter by stapling them into the ceiling joists to hold them up, then using aluminum studs which are easily cut using a snipper and framed using a cordless screwdriver, walls are placed around the perimeter and then insulated and finished with paneling and sheetrock. Drop a grid ceiling and paint the walls, install a low pile all weather carpet or those self stick carpet squares; put a portable heater and dehumidifer down there and you're done, a few weekends worth of work and maybe 2k total materials.
> 
> She won't be disappointed.


It's not always dry. When it rains or in the spring water seeps in and the floor has water on it. Enough to turn the sump pump on. The concrete floor has cracks in various places. And my H is NOT a handy man at all. I do have people that are though. I'll talk to my dad and see what his take on doing this project is. I'm 5'5" and my head just clears the beams over head in the basement.


----------



## caruso

LadybugMomma said:


> It's not always dry. When it rains or in the spring water seeps in and the floor has water on it. Enough to turn the sump pump on. The concrete floor has cracks in various places. And my H is NOT a handy man at all. I do have people that are though. I'll talk to my dad and see what his take on doing this project is. I'm 5'5" and my head just clears the beams over head in the basement.


Ok forget the basement unless you want to spend at least $5k waterproofing it and another $10k at least to hire a contractor to do the work or depend on friends and relatives or have someone shell it out, waterproof it and do whatever you can on your own. Anyone can paint and install peel and stick carpeting. 

I forgot to mention electric, again not difficult and most handy guys can do it but if not there's going to be expense there as well. 

That basement is low. I guess the answer to that one depends on how tall your daughter is. I'm thinking she wouldn't mind ducking under a few beams. Or put the younger kids down there.


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## Yeswecan

LadybugMomma said:


> YES!! I think that too, coming from mom/dad and family, she feels that's what we are supposed to say! I'm so glad I'm not alone in those feelings. I'm glad you've over come this with you D. It makes me hopeful to think that I'm on my way to getting mine healthy and happy. I look forward to those moments where she starts dating and getting the good attention (other than me and family)that she needs. I may have to hurt any boy who decides to hurts her once we've over come this! Ha!! Thank you so much for you help.


Concerning boyfriends, vet them well and speak to your daughter often if she dates the lucky lad for a extended period. These boys are not always as they seem. We discovered our daughters boyfriend emotionally manipulated her. Once she attempted to break the relationship. He manipulated her by stating he would kill himself. Just the past weekend she did finally say she was breaking up. At this point our daughter broke down and said at one time he said he would kill himself if she left him. Understand she did not see this was manipulative. I stated to our D that if your BF says that call me and I will call the police. Bluffing or not...he will get the message. Well you guessed it. He said he would kill himself in text and over the phone. Guess were XBF is currently after getting handcuffed by the local police? The hospital ward with a doctor. He will be their for possibly up to a week.

So, please please please always be a part of the conversation when it comes to your D and dating. Specially the birds and bees talk!


----------



## LadybugMomma

caruso said:


> Ok forget the basement unless you want to spend at least $5k waterproofing it and another $10k at least to hire a contractor to do the work or depend on friends and relatives or have someone shell it out, waterproof it and do whatever you can on your own. Anyone can paint and install peel and stick carpeting.
> 
> I forgot to mention electric, again not difficult and most handy guys can do it but if not there's going to be expense there as well.
> 
> That basement is low. I guess the answer to that one depends on how tall your daughter is. I'm thinking she wouldn't mind ducking under a few beams. Or put the younger kids down there.


That amount of $ to do a room in the basement is about half of what we were quoted by a contractor to to a 26' x 16' addition on our house. I'm thinking we CAN go ahead with the addition but want to know for sure how much support my H is going to have to pay before making a final decision. 

I'd be for having the room in the basement done for my H's kids, but again, I know he wouldn't be okay with them staying down there alone. He'd end up sleeping with them every other weekend. I'm trying not to question why he's so adamant about them not being on a different floor than everyone else. It just creates a fight.


----------



## sixty-eight

LadybugMomma said:


> That amount of $ to do a room in the basement is about half of what we were quoted by a contractor to to a 26' x 16' addition on our house. I'm thinking we CAN go ahead with the addition but want to know for sure how much support my H is going to have to pay before making a final decision.
> 
> I'd be for having the room in the basement done for my H's kids, but again, I know he wouldn't be okay with them staying down there alone. He'd end up sleeping with them every other weekend. I'm trying not to question why he's so adamant about them not being on a different floor than everyone else. It just creates a fight.


Maybe instead of questioning why he's so adamant, you could ask him what he would need to have them on another floor.

I wouldn't be comfortable with my small children on a lower floor of the house than me either, but that's because on weekends they would be up and into stuff (sugar, cartoons, general mischief) very early in the morning.

I would be ok with it though, if i had a baby monitor and slide locks installed high on the outside doors. If you and your husband could figure out a plan like this, then his kids could be in the living room and your daughter could have her room to herself until the child support is settled and the addition is built for her.


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## caruso

LadybugMomma said:


> I'd be for having the room in the basement done for my H's kids, but again, I know he wouldn't be okay with them staying down there alone. He'd end up sleeping with them every other weekend. I'm trying not to question why he's so adamant about them not being on a different floor than everyone else. It just creates a fight.


This is an entirely different issue and points to deeper problems. 

I think you said he moved into your house, is that correct?

So he moves in, he saves whatever he was paying elsewhere, your daughter is forced to give up her privacy, the intended plan is shut down because of issues he has with his exwife and the sudden unexpected child support expense.. one of the best available options is shut down because "he cannot fathom the thought of his children being on a different floor" .. and it turns into a blow out?

There's a lot wrong there and it has nothing to do with fixing up a damp basement. At the very least, he's extremely rigid and inflexible, and very unreasonable and unwilling to compromise, yet very willing to let you solve all of his problems.

This doesn't fix him, but maybe he's thinking about the kids being shut away in a basement. If the door is removed, and the basement stairway is opened up with a railing it starts to feel like one big space.


----------



## Blondilocks

Have you asked your daughter if she would mind giving up her bedroom every other weekend? Beats sharing it with two others. She might even like having the whole bottom floor to herself. Or, do what you were thinking - you and husband sleep downstairs (you might like the privacy).


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## LadybugMomma

Yeswecan said:


> Concerning boyfriends, vet them well and speak to your daughter often if she dates the lucky lad for a extended period. These boys are not always as they seem. We discovered our daughters boyfriend emotionally manipulated her. Once she attempted to break the relationship. He manipulated her by stating he would kill himself. Just the past weekend she did finally say she was breaking up. At this point our daughter broke down and said at one time he said he would kill himself if she left him. Understand she did not see this was manipulative. I stated to our D that if your BF says that call me and I will call the police. Bluffing or not...he will get the message. Well you guessed it. He said he would kill himself in text and over the phone. Guess were XBF is currently after getting handcuffed by the local police? The hospital ward with a doctor. He will be their for possibly up to a week.
> 
> So, please please please always be a part of the conversation when it comes to your D and dating. Specially the birds and bees talk!


Thank you for your advice. Luckily we're not there yet but it's good to be prepared for when the time comes. Which is probably sooner than I think or hope.


----------



## LadybugMomma

caruso said:


> This is an entirely different issue and points to deeper problems.
> 
> I think you said he moved into your house, is that correct?
> 
> So he moves in, he saves whatever he was paying elsewhere, your daughter is forced to give up her privacy, the intended plan is shut down because of issues he has with his exwife and the sudden unexpected child support expense.. one of the best available options is shut down because "he cannot fathom the thought of his children being on a different floor" .. and it turns into a blow out?
> 
> There's a lot wrong there and it has nothing to do with fixing up a damp basement. At the very least, he's extremely rigid and inflexible, and very unreasonable and unwilling to compromise, yet very willing to let you solve all of his problems.
> 
> This doesn't fix him, but maybe he's thinking about the kids being shut away in a basement. If the door is removed, and the basement stairway is opened up with a railing it starts to feel like one big space.



Yes, he moved into my home. The mortgage is still in my name only. With the addition, we were going to refinance and have his name added to the mortgage. He saves a good amount of $ by having moved out of his apartment and into my home. We do share all expenses though. And correct, the possible addition is on hold because of the child support issue with his ex. We find out next month how much he will have to pay each pay week. 

I don't want to say he's hung up on his children because that's a bit much and in my opinion sounds *****y, angry, bitter etc and I'm not. Because of what's happening w/my daughter, I've been questioning whether I should have been more hung up on her.

At times there are issues re:rules of the house that are have been set between him and I for all children and mine are expected to follow but he often does those things for his kids. For example putting clean clothes away. We wash, dry & fold, then put them on each childs bed. All are expected to put their own clothes away in drawers. He ends up putting his kids away.

When I met H, his children were 8 & 6. He slept in bed with them each night. He still wiped their butt, dressed them, bathed them etc. Maybe that's normal for some, but for my children, I taught them to do a lot of that by that age. They may have needed some help but a lot was completed by themselves. He's very protective of his children. They can't go in the front yard now at 12 & 10 without him being with them. We live on a quiet street and a very safe neighborhood. I've been there for 15 years and never had anything bad happen.

I feel like he thinks of himself and what's best for his kids first and foremost sometimes rather than what's best for everyone as a whole. We've had these discussions before and it turns into a heated argument. We've also discussed the situation in couples counseling and the counselor basically told him he needed to lighten up. She suspected that he has deeper things that haunt him based on his upbringing and his parents divorce. 

I don't want to beat up on him and I don't want him to come off as a jerk, because he is a great husband. There's just these things that after we talk, things heat up, he changes for a while, then it's back to the way it was. I keep thinking that it's all a matter of time and the kids will be out and on their own.


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## LadybugMomma

sixty-eight said:


> Maybe instead of questioning why he's so adamant, you could ask him what he would need to have them on another floor.
> 
> I wouldn't be comfortable with my small children on a lower floor of the house than me either, but that's because on weekends they would be up and into stuff (sugar, cartoons, general mischief) very early in the morning.
> 
> I would be ok with it though, if i had a baby monitor and slide locks installed high on the outside doors. If you and your husband could figure out a plan like this, then his kids could be in the living room and your daughter could have her room to herself until the child support is settled and the addition is built for her.


That's a great idea. He and I have a planned talk tonight about the entire situation so I'll present that to him that way.


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## LadybugMomma

@;


Blondilocks said:


> Have you asked your daughter if she would mind giving up her bedroom every other weekend? Beats sharing it with two others. She might even like having the whole bottom floor to herself. Or, do what you were thinking - you and husband sleep downstairs (you might like the privacy).


I haven't asked her that but I could. Part of me feels bad, like I'm kicking her out of the room that was hers first. But if there is no other solution, she might be open to that idea. 

After coming up with the idea of giving up our room, giving it to his kids, and us sleeping on a sofa bed couch, it occurred to me that he and I would be sleeping on it every night of the week. It seems crazy when his kids are only over every other weekend. The practical solution is for his kids to sleep down stairs. Right? Hopefully, we will be able to do the addition in the end and everyone will be happy. 

The whole situation is crazy and making me out of my mind. I went to heat up a cup of water in the microwave to have some tea, only I forgot to put water in the cup. :slap:


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## SunCMars

LadybugMomma said:


> And I'm feeling like I've made a huge mistake in this sense, as well. My husband and I were in the beginning stages of financing an addition on our home to give my daughter her own space/room. And then out of the blue, his ex swoops in and hits him up for child support. In my previous posts, I think I mentioned how his ex "opted out" of support. Well we know he's going to have to pay, we're just not sure yet. So, the addition process has been put on hold.
> 
> I thought with the counseling I had my daughter in after my divorce, had set her on a good path.
> 
> I feel like complete crap. Feeling like the choices I've made have been a contributing factor in this. I'm currently trying to figure out how to resolve the living arrangement. The only option, aside from H staying in a hotel with his kids every other weekend is his kids sleep on the couches in the living room. Which H has said they'd do. But that also means every other weekend H and I will not be sleeping in the same bed, because he won't have his kids sleeping downstairs alone, while the rest of us are upstairs.
> 
> I know more than anything my daughters well being is what matters most. And I'm determined to get her well.
> 
> Thank you for your input. I appreciate it.


So hard this.

Teenagers are in the midst of surging sex and growth hormones. Anger and Anxiety are at their peak during this period. And those around them can stir up this anger, anxiety and frustration. It can be additive and fueled by Peer Pressure. By other frenzied teens! Flash mob madness.

Cutting oneself is the result of suppressed anger....maybe rage. Teens/adults usually restrain themselves from hurting {innocent} others. They release this inner tension by attacking their own selves [cells] {from without}.

Some teens go on shooting sprees. A dangerous time, this.

When I was a teenager I lived the rage. I did not cut myself. I tried to hurt others by being a bully.

As a teen, my sister cut her wrists, tried to commit suicide. I was in Vietnam at the time. Our house was pandemonium....so dysfunctional. Both my parents and their relatives and their friends...all hard core functional-alcoholics. They worked hard for 8 hours then came home... getting plastered.

Your home is much more loving and organized. Your daughter will get through this phase; not unscathed, un-scarred. Keep loving her. Tell it to her every day. Go out and do fun things together. Keep her mind off her problems and nightmares.

Some [lucky?] souls can glide through life, unfazed.........they are Potatoes......Yeppir!

Life is Great.


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## SunCMars

Do you have a backyard?

Can you buy a camper and sleep in it at night.....for a few years?

Or add an addition to the house. Two new bedrooms...another bathroom.


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## Blondilocks

Why would you have to give up your bedroom permanently? Just sleep down there when the kids are there. There is no reason a bedroom needs to be left empty the majority of the time.


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## LadybugMomma

Thank you, so much. Slowly, we're making progress. Luckily, she's not suicidal. I feel that together, we have it all. It's just a matter of getting it all together. Putting things in order and handling first things, first.


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## LadybugMomma

SunCMars said:


> Do you have a backyard?
> 
> Can you buy a camper and sleep in it at night.....for a few years?
> 
> Or add an addition to the house. Two new bedrooms...another bathroom.


We do have a nice size back yard. And sadly, in the summer I sold a pop up camper that I owned from my previous marriage. Things weren't this bad at that time. Or if they were, she didn't say anything about it. 

We were in the process of starting the process for an addition but my H's ex, after opting out of child support in their divorce, decided that she now wants it. We know H will have to pay, we just don't know how much yet. We putt he addition on hold until we know that we can afford to do it. The next court date in Nov 4th. We'll know how much he has to pay then. Hopefully all will be good and we can do the addition. That's the best option.


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## LadybugMomma

Blondilocks said:


> Why would you have to give up your bedroom permanently? Just sleep down there when the kids are there. There is no reason a bedroom needs to be left empty the majority of the time.


My step children currently have bunk beds in my daughters room. We thought about taking our bed down and putting their bunk in our room and us staying downstairs. Which would mean our bed would be gone. Idk about SD & SS sleeping in our bed. I suppose they could every other weekend until we know how things are going to go. It's an option.


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## heartsbeating

LadybugMomma said:


> All she requested was for me to physically (she holes herself up in her room) check in on her twice daily and be available to her via text at any time. Of course she's in school during the week and I work so those check-ins start as soon as I get home from work.


You need to be her safe place with unquestionable trust. How are the check-ins going? 

In school I had a friend who began cutting. There were issues at home. She then started dating a boy. Turns out he was hitting her and she was hiding it. She went to the school counselor although I don't know how much she confided. I left school and we parted ways. I heard from her some time later. She had attempted to take her life. When visiting her at the facility, her boyfriend was still there by her side. I looked him in the eye but couldn't bring myself to talk to him. 

I'm writing this with a teenage perspective from that time. The adult perspective considers she needed someone, her parents or mentor, to feel safety and trust. Whatever is happening, for her to know someone not only loves her but has her back. All the best to you and your daughter.


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## LadybugMomma

heartsbeating said:


> You need to be her safe place with unquestionable trust. How are the check-ins going?
> 
> In school I had a friend who began cutting. There were issues at home. She then started dating a boy. Turns out he was hitting her and she was hiding it. She went to the school counselor although I don't know how much she confided. I left school and we parted ways. I heard from her some time later. She had attempted to take her life. When visiting her at the facility, her boyfriend was still there by her side. I looked him in the eye but couldn't bring myself to talk to him.
> 
> I'm writing this with a teenage perspective from that time. The adult perspective considers she needed someone, her parents or mentor, to feel safety and trust. Whatever is happening, for her to know someone not only loves her but has her back. All the best to you and your daughter.


Check-ins have been going pretty well. She ended up in the ER because while she has a hard time verbalizing how she feels, she managed that day to break loose. In her (innocent) rage she had a melt down and said help was taking too long and she felt the only way to escape it all was suicide. I, with the counselors advice, took her to the hospital and she was evaluated and released home 7 hours later. 

I feel helpless and like a failure as a mom. For everything else I have always managed to 'fix it.' This is a whole new experience for me. I'm trying SO hard to be everything she needs, but it's so hard because SHE doesn't even know what she needs and struggles with communication. 

The psychiatrist who evaluated her said she is incredibly smart, mature and in tune to everyone's feeling etc, around her. She's not your average 14 year old. The psychiatrist suggested my daughter pursue a career in psychology. 

The psychiatrist and counselor suggested a low does of antidepressants. She's started those last Saturday and her weekly counseling appointments have been boosted up to three times a week. 

It's going to be a long hike, to get her on a good path. I'll be by her side every step of the way. 

Thank you for your post. It's reassuring and helpful to hear/see things from other perspectives.


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## heartbroken50

LadybugMomma said:


> Check-ins have been going pretty well. She ended up in the ER because while she has a hard time verbalizing how she feels, she managed that day to break loose. In her (innocent) rage she had a melt down and said help was taking too long and she felt the only way to escape it all was suicide. I, with the counselors advice, took her to the hospital and she was evaluated and released home 7 hours later.
> 
> 
> 
> I feel helpless and like a failure as a mom. For everything else I have always managed to 'fix it.' This is a whole new experience for me. I'm trying SO hard to be everything she needs, but it's so hard because SHE doesn't even know what she needs and struggles with communication.
> 
> 
> 
> The psychiatrist who evaluated her said she is incredibly smart, mature and in tune to everyone's feeling etc, around her. She's not your average 14 year old. The psychiatrist suggested my daughter pursue a career in psychology.
> 
> 
> 
> The psychiatrist and counselor suggested a low does of antidepressants. She's started those last Saturday and her weekly counseling appointments have been boosted up to three times a week.
> 
> 
> 
> It's going to be a long hike, to get her on a good path. I'll be by her side every step of the way.
> 
> 
> 
> Thank you for your post. It's reassuring and helpful to hear/see things from other perspectives.




I'm so sorry you are both going through this... We are in the same place with my 14 yr old son again. It is so hard not being able to fix everything and so heartbreaking to helplessly watch them suffer.

You are doing all the right things... I've had to have my son risk assessed 4 times in the last two weeks, but it's necessary to ensure he's safe. Even though he fights it at the time, he has told me that it does let him know I care and take it seriously.

(((Hugs)))


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## LadybugMomma

heartbroken50 said:


> I'm so sorry you are both going through this... We are in the same place with my 14 yr old son again. It is so hard not being able to fix everything and so heartbreaking to helplessly watch them suffer.
> 
> You are doing all the right things... I've had to have my son risk assessed 4 times in the last two weeks, but it's necessary to ensure he's safe. Even though he fights it at the time, he has told me that it does let him know I care and take it seriously.
> 
> (((Hugs)))
> 
> 
> I'm sorry, that you are struggling with your son. I felt awful for my daughter when I took her to the hospital. Thankfully, she didn't fight it. Her anxiety was at an all time high at that point. She was worried about what people were going to think of her. She said "everyone is going to think I'm a whack job." I assured her no one was going to think that of her and it was for her safety. I explained that I was clueless at that moment and had no idea how to help her. The fact that she said felt if she started cutting again that she wouldn't be able to stop, scared the crap out of me. Thankfully, the entire staff at the hospital were SO kind to her.
> 
> Gah, it's heart breaking, for sure. I hope things get better for you and your son soon.
> 
> (((Hugs))) to you as well.
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## heartsbeating

LadybugMomma said:


> I feel helpless and like a failure as a mom. For everything else I have always managed to 'fix it.' This is a whole new experience for me. I'm trying SO hard to be everything she needs, but it's so hard because SHE doesn't even know what she needs and struggles with communication.


This must be extremely hard as a parent, I can only imagine. As much as possible, please don't allow any blame to rest on your shoulders. There's no reason to hold blame and it's not helpful to you or her. You are doing whatever you can to help her. 

Keeping in mind that I don't have children and am not a professional - just a random writing online - I did have a thought when reading that she doesn't know how to determine and/or express what she needs. And that is, could you be in your home alone with her or somewhere appropriate where your voices can just carry in the wind and not cause alarm to anyone... hold her hand and encourage her to scream or yell as a release? If you can, encourage a laugh afterwards and tell her (again) you're there for her no matter what she needs to express. I really wish you both the very best.


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## LadybugMomma

heartsbeating said:


> This must be extremely hard as a parent, I can only imagine. As much as possible, please don't allow any blame to rest on your shoulders. There's no reason to hold blame and it's not helpful to you or her. You are doing whatever you can to help her.
> 
> Keeping in mind that I don't have children and am not a professional - just a random writing online - I did have a thought when reading that she doesn't know how to determine and/or express what she needs. And that is, could you be in your home alone with her or somewhere appropriate where your voices can just carry in the wind and not cause alarm to anyone... hold her hand and encourage her to scream or yell as a release? If you can, encourage a laugh afterwards and tell her (again) you're there for her no matter what she needs to express. I really wish you both the very best.


That sounds like a great idea, yelling into the wind. I'm always willing to try anything to help. She's been on meds for a little over a week. While it seems to be helping ease her anxiety/depression, it's now causing her to get awful cramps in her legs. Three steps forward, two steps back. Still headed in the right direction though.


----------



## turnera

LadybugMomma said:


> I found out last week that my 14 yo daughter has been cutting herself. I knew she was dealing with depression and anxiety. I took her to her Ped who sent a referral for counseling. She has been seeing a counselor for two weeks. Last week was the second appointment and the day she felt that I needed to know. She told her counselor the first week.
> 
> At counseling my daughter was asked by the counselor, what she needed from me at this point in time. All she requested was for me to physically (she holes herself up in her room) check in on her twice daily and be available to her via text at any time. Of course she's in school during the week and I work so those check-ins start as soon as I get home from work.
> 
> I know that's all she's asking for and I respect that. My daughter has been very open with her counselor so I feel comfortable in that sense. It just feels like I should be doing more. I know my daughter is going through a lot right now with every day 14 yo stuff. I also know she's struggling with her sexuality. There's issues with her bio dad and she longs for a closer bond with her step dad (my husband). Those are a few things that I'm aware of, the rest, I'm clueless. My daughter doesn't even know what it is that's bothering her. Just a bunch of stuff that she's trying to sort out with the help of the counselor.
> 
> So, any advice, help or experience anyone has with this would be helpful and appreciated.


Two things I'd suggest. First, get your husband in to therapy, just you two, and let the therapist know her issue with your husband, and let the therapist talk to him about why it's so important and offer ways to accomplish it.

Second, find ways to get your daughter out of her room. Specifically, see if you can get her to start taking walks with you. You don't have to talk but I'll bet she'll start talking. Psychologically, it's recommended to be side by side so that the other person doesn't feel like they're in a confrontation. Riding in cars is also good for that. But walking side by side (or walking a dog), you don't have to say anything, but the longer you're out there, the easier it is to talk.

DD26 and I started going for walks when she was about 15 or 16; she wanted to talk to me about something in private. After that, it just became 'that thing' we did together; it really helped bond us. Any time she needed to talk something out, figure out something, or just vent, she'd ask (or I would) if we could go for a walk.


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## turnera

caruso said:


> This is an entirely different issue and points to deeper problems.
> 
> I think you said he moved into your house, is that correct?
> 
> So he moves in, he saves whatever he was paying elsewhere, your daughter is forced to give up her privacy, the intended plan is shut down because of issues he has with his exwife and the sudden unexpected child support expense.. one of the best available options is shut down because "he cannot fathom the thought of his children being on a different floor" .. and it turns into a blow out?
> 
> There's a lot wrong there and it has nothing to do with fixing up a damp basement. At the very least, he's extremely rigid and inflexible, and very unreasonable and unwilling to compromise, yet very willing to let you solve all of his problems.
> 
> This doesn't fix him, but maybe he's thinking about the kids being shut away in a basement. If the door is removed, and the basement stairway is opened up with a railing it starts to feel like one big space.


Gotta say, this is exactly what I was thinking. Just how many times, in how many ways, have YOU adapted YOUR life so that it works out the way your H wants? I'm just asking, not presupposing. Many women go into second marriages and overlook this happening, they're so intent on making it work the second time. And given who your previous H was, it's a fair bet there are at least similarities in the men or at least certain tendencies common in both. 

I'm just saying that so that you remain eyes open about whether things are not going as smoothly as you think they are, so you can say something.


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## turnera

LadybugMomma said:


> I don't want to beat up on him and I don't want him to come off as a jerk, because he is a great husband. There's just these things that after we talk, things heat up, he changes for a while, then it's back to the way it was. I keep thinking that it's all a matter of time and the kids will be out and on their own.


Go back to the therapist, by yourself if you have to, and ask for concrete steps to take to ensure things don't slide back to how they used to be. Ask about boundaries and consequences. Come to an agreement. You have at least 8 more years of this. Your marriage won't survive it. Your daughter might not (sorry). 

For instance, my H has basically stopped helping around the house since he started his own business. Now that he has that as an excuse, he's run with it, though before that he rarely did anything anyway. So to deal with my boundary being crushed (needing a husband who pitches in), I have enacted my consequence that protects me from the pain of being his little handservant and hating myself for it. I have stopped putting away his clothes. I'll wash them, hang them up. But then they just lay on the back of the chair or hang on the doorknobs. 

Unless he does something for the house. Last week he fixed the light that had been out in our closet for 3 months. So I hung up one of his pairs of pants. The rest are still on the chair, where I told him they are. He wants to move back over to the other side of my boundary and help me take care of the house? I'll hang up some more.

What I'm trying to say is, don't be blind about what you're getting in this marriage, and what you're not getting. What he's doing is upsetting you and you're choosing to let it slide. I'm here to tell you, if you let things slide in the first 5 or 10 years of a marriage, you'll almost never get them righted later on. Now is the time to stand firm about what you want and need.


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## Hope Shimmers

Add me to the camp that say it is absolutely CRITICAL that you get your daughter a private bedroom as soon as possible. If you and your H have to sleep in the living room until you can fund the addition to the house, then that's what you should do.

Your daughter went through a divorce and then her privacy was taken away from her because of the moving in of her stepfather and his needing space for his kids. This is YOUR house and it was her room, and I cannot even imagine being 14 years old and expected to share a bedroom with two non-related children and one of them being a boy! If these kids were foster kids it would not even be allowable. It's completely improper and it is not fair to her and it is hurting her. Please do whatever you have to do to get her own space, even if that means converting the living room into a bedroom for her. 

I have a daughter who is 15. She has had some self-harm issues in the past although they didn't last long. She has been in counseling since my divorce (when she was 6 years old). A couple of months ago she came out to me as being bisexual, and has a girlfriend. I am extremely socially liberal and fully support her and have from the moment she told me.

However, unfortunately we live in the Bible Belt (through choices not my own) and people here are extremely socially conservative. Honestly, I feel like what unites the Bible Belt is Hate. Hate for immigrants, hate for anyone who thinks differently than them. Now I am getting on a political rant which is not my intention. But my point is that after "coming out", my daughter has had to deal with nasty and hateful comments from kids in her high school and on the bus. One day she came home and took a bunch of pills (not pills that she could overdose on, although she didn't know that). She says now that she didn't intend to kill herself but she just could not deal with all of the hate. When Trump was elected President this week, you can only imagine how she felt.

Give her your support. Give her her privacy, while still being there and being supportive. Talk to her often. Ask her what she needs from you. Listen. Get her counseling. Right now I feel that SHE probably feels she is not being prioritized by you, as you have moved this man and his two kids into her space. SHE is the most important thing - she is your daughter. Make sure she knows it. Make sure your actions prove that to her each and every day. Get her the he!! out of that shared bedroom.

I wish both of you luck, and peace, and happiness. It is not easy, not for a minute.


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## turnera

Hope Shimmers said:


> Add me to the camp that say it is absolutely CRITICAL that you get your daughter a private bedroom as soon as possible. If you and your H have to sleep in the living room until you can fund the addition to the house, then that's what you should do.
> 
> Your daughter went through a divorce and then her privacy was taken away from her because of the moving in of her stepfather and his needing space for his kids. This is YOUR house and it was her room, and I cannot even imagine being 14 years old and expected to share a bedroom with two non-related children and one of them being a boy! If these kids were foster kids it would not even be allowable. It's completely improper and it is not fair to her and it is hurting her. Please do whatever you have to do to get her own space, even if that means converting the living room into a bedroom for her.


SO much worth repeating.

Try to imagine being a kid going through a divorce; her whole world turned upside down, and she had no control over it. Then her solace, her comfort, her home, is invaded by a man replacing her dad; again, she had no control, no say. And the time she got with her mom, which soothed her, is cut in half at LEAST, if not more. And to top it off, she has to watch HER mom interacting with OTHER kids (so what does SHE matter now?) and, probably, trying to please her new man by being extra attentive to his kids and make sure they fit in; so much so that she forgets the needs of her own child so that HIS kids can be comfortable. And maybe she's even being asked or expected to help the kids assimilate into the family, or maybe even watch them while the adults do stuff (just guessing, as I've seen it happen more often than not). And on top of that, the new dad is being unreasonable and that undercurrent - his needs and wants matter more than her mom's and most especially her own - leave her completely at the bottom of the totem pole. Again, with her having NO say and NO control.

Small wonder she'd be in freefall.

This is not a dis at you. Divorced moms do the best they can. But I'll be honest. Most blended families I've seen, the kids of the mom suffer way more than the kids of the dads. Because the men are more aggressive to get what they want? Because men speak up? IDK. But it happens.


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## TX-SC

My 13 year old daughter was cutting herself. She was undiagnosed with severe anxiety and depression. I had no idea and honestly felt like she was doing this strictly for attention. As a person who had never dealt with that, I handled it very poorly. This led to deeper depression and eventually suicidal thoughts. She ended up spending a week in a behavioral health unit. I spent my time reading up on this and trying to get MYSELF into a better place for her. 

She is now 14 years old and the one year anniversary of her stay at the behavioral unit has come and gone. I understand her better though she still can be frustrating, but what 14 year old isn't? She's a good girl and I love her (and her sister) dearly. 

All I can say is to do your best to understand what she is going through and be supportive of her. Be there when she needs you. One of the big issues for my daughter was she didn't feel like we "had her back". I did "have her back" but she didn't see it.


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