# Divorce or work on it?



## Fallible (Jan 29, 2013)

We have been married for 14 years and have no children, and probably will never have any due to some medical complications on her end. But we managed to keep the marriage going.

However, about 8 years ago, the marriage got frustrating with nothing to look forward to after the doctors certified it would be almost impossible to have kids. I got frustrated and moved out of the house for about 10 months before eventually getting back together.

Sometime back, maybe a year ago, I started suspecting my wife was having an affair. I didnt bother about it as I felt that our marriage was beyond redemption, and kept asking myself what I was still doing in there. Then i decided to find out if my suspicions were right and I was dead spot on. When I confronted her, she denied and only said the MM was an emotional support as she felt very lonely in our marriage.

I then produced more evidence, and ofcourse this time she came out and admitted it had been going on for 7 years or slightly more. The MM is a work mate. i was very hurt by this, but remembered that about 7 years ago I also got into an affair and ended it 4 years later.

I have now told her that since I cant trust her again, we are going for divorce and I intend to file the papers in the next week or so.

Am I being hasty? Am I being too harsh since I also had an affair? But if I cant trust her anymore, is there any use working on the marriage as she is begging me to do? She says she is sorry and wants us to start afresh.

Its tough, especially knowing, and selfishly so, that this could be my opportunity to go and get children with someone else.

I would appreciate your opinion/comments.


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## Thoreau (Nov 12, 2012)

You just suddenly "remembered" a 4 year affair? Pot, meet kettle. I think you two should stay together so you don't infect others with your toxicity.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

*I started suspecting my wife was having an affair. I didnt bother about it as I felt that our marriage was beyond redemption, and kept asking myself what I was still doing in there*

What changed?


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## Fallible (Jan 29, 2013)

I am actually not certain what changed at this point in time, but I think it was triggered by a call late in the night the previous day which she woke up to go pick in the living room. That agitated me and started my hunt for the truth.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

From one who is extremely pro-reconciliation, I'm saying divorce.

Neither of you have respected your marriage. Since you caught her in her affair, did you ever admit to having one yourself?

Scratch that question. Just divorce.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Fallible,

BOTH of you have had affairs in the past and it seems BOTh of you have many issues that you need to deal with on your own as individuals before you can even think of addressing your marital issues

I think that your need for children may be a mojor stumbling block here and you need to address that issue first before deciding on what course you want to take


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

SomedayDig said:


> From one who is extremely pro-reconciliation, I'm saying divorce.
> 
> Neither of you have respected your marriage. Since you caught her in her affair, did you ever admit to having one yourself?
> 
> Scratch that question. Just divorce.


:iagree: Well said


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Does she know about your affair or are you keeping it under wraps so you look like the good guy?

Why be married if you have to cheat.....is one of you loaded with money or something?


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

Come clean about your affair to her, then ask how she feels about it. If she still feels like giving it a shot, both of you need to start attending individual counseling. Once you both have some serious IC under your belts, seek out a MC that specializes in infidelity.

Don't use the kids as an excuse, you could adopt, have a surrogate, many other options.


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## Fallible (Jan 29, 2013)

She knows about it, and has known about it for the last 5 years.

We are not badly off i must say.


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## Thoreau (Nov 12, 2012)

So after she knew it continued for 2 years and she was in one herself during this time?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsMittens (Jan 25, 2013)

Fallible said:


> We have been married for 14 years and have no children, and probably will never have any due to some medical complications on her end. But we managed to keep the marriage going.
> 
> However, about 8 years ago, the marriage got frustrating with nothing to look forward to after the doctors certified it would be almost impossible to have kids. I got frustrated and moved out of the house for about 10 months before eventually getting back together.
> 
> ...


The fact that she was unable to conceive and you make the statement that there was nothing to look forward to in the marriage...I think if very selfish on your part. If all you wanted was children, you could have had them outside of marriage. She is a human being, with feelings and emotions. You were wrong for looking at her as an object to bare your children. What about the other things she had to offer? Im not sure you know what your looking for in a relationship because I heard you say nothing about her qualities. 

I believe your coldness towards her pushed her to have an affair. I don't know why you asked this question "Divorce or work on it?". You divorce someone in your heart and mind before you take legal action. It's pretty clear that you've already done that. By all means if you feel this way, go file for your divorce. Let her go on with her life and be happy with someone else.


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## Thoreau (Nov 12, 2012)

You both started affairs at the same time. Hers lasted longer than yours. Do I have this right?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fallible (Jan 29, 2013)

Yes you do.


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## Fallible (Jan 29, 2013)

Yes thats it.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Fallible,

I myself have 3 boys. Two are adopted, one was a miracle baby. I don't love my biological child any more or less than my adopted children. That is me though... You leave your mark by what you pass on to the next generation. It doesn't have to be genetics. It could be through the love and examples you give.

To say you had nothing to look forward to is shallow and short sited. It seems both of you are a bit shallow and short sited and you really are together because you both aren't caring enough to love each other properly.

I think Divorce or Reconciliation for you two is secondary. I think you should work on figuring out what you really want out of life first. I think you need to see what the world can be if you open up to looking at things more preciously. We only have 1 life to live and I think you two have wasted a good amount of time. 

Stop being alive and start living. Quit the short sited selfish crap. You have been extremely selfish and you probably caused a lot of your own predicament with your own affair. Now the shoe is on the other foot, you don't seem to like it to much.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Have the both of you ever been tested for STD's? She has been having sex with another man for half of your entire marriage. You have been having sex with another woman for a quarter of your marriage.
I say divorce and move on. This marriage seems totally broken. Good luck.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

What's to work on? You both have had long term affairs, not a great foundation to build on. I think it's time to hoist anchor and move on. Spend some time healing, and working on you, then find a woman you can be faithful to.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

how did she react to your affair?

Also tell the MM's wife about his affair. Your one last decent act in this marriage.


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## DevastatedDad (Oct 2, 2012)

Stay together. You guys deserve each other.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

OP

Why are you even asking for advice?
Do you want to stay married?
Do you think she will stop her 7 year long affair for love of you?
What do you think is the benefit of staying married?

Just move on. Unless you plan to start another affair so you can both play nice at home and have your fun with other people.


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