# First step (literally and figuratively) - foot surgery



## ButterflyGirl (4 mo ago)

So, for whatever reason, H has decided after 5 years that he is going to take care of one of the many things on the list of health-related things that have been put off that hurt his health and our relationship - foot surgery that is drastically limiting mobility (my earlier post goes into way more details on this whole situation - it is so much more than a surgery). There are multiple other significant things that he needs to do, but not sure how to interpret this nor know what finally made him decide to do this. And of course I can't ask because it's "his business" and will create a fight. I am not sure how to look at this. Is it a positive? Is this a sign that he is finally sensing that I am losing patience with his lack of action and not caring about how his health impacts me and the three "kids"? Knowing there are several other things to follow, it will still be a long road ahead. Do I risk another 3-5 years and still nothing to show for it? Do I take this as a sign he is really wanting improvement and keep waiting to see what happens? If so, how long? I am confused more now than ever. How do you know when someone finally decides to change, that it is legit?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Will the foot surgery enable him to do his part better? Has his lack of action already caused so much resentment in you that you'll never get past it?


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

ButterflyGirl said:


> So, for whatever reason, H has decided after 5 years that he is going to take care of one of the many things on the list of health-related things that have been put off that hurt his health and our relationship - foot surgery that is drastically limiting mobility (my earlier post goes into way more details on this whole situation - it is so much more than a surgery). There are multiple other significant things that he needs to do, but not sure how to interpret this nor know what finally made him decide to do this. And of course I can't ask because it's "his business" and will create a fight. I am not sure how to look at this. Is it a positive? Is this a sign that he is finally sensing that I am losing patience with his lack of action and not caring about how his health impacts me and the three "kids"? Knowing there are several other things to follow, it will still be a long road ahead. Do I risk another 3-5 years and still nothing to show for it? Do I take this as a sign he is really wanting improvement and keep waiting to see what happens? If so, how long? I am confused more now than ever. How do you know when someone finally decides to change, that it is legit?


1. Just don’t let him use this situation as a crutch…(see what I did there)
2. it is very much “your business“ and if you can’t have a simple conversation about the situation, that’s a much bigger problem.
3. Stop trying to play blue‘s clues with his intentions and motivations, just have a positive, non-nagging non-harping conversation about it. Tell him you’re happy he’s taking action on this and ask what made it a priority for him, and go from there.


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## Teacherwifemom (5 mo ago)

I don’t know, besides his health problems, it sounds like he’s pretty mean to you. Is he ever kind? Do you guys ever chit chat or have friendly conversations? The foot surgery might just be because he’s finally in enough pain to do something about it. His lack of willingness to talk to you about the issues in the marriage is what’s most concerning. I’d be looking for a change on that front.


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## ButterflyGirl (4 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Will the foot surgery enable him to do his part better? Has his lack of action already caused so much resentment in you that you'll never get past it?


It is a start! It has caused a lot of resentment but I would be so happy if I knew that he has turned the corner and is working towards real change that i probably could over time let go of some of the ill feelings.


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## ButterflyGirl (4 mo ago)

DudeInProgress said:


> 1. Just don’t let him use this situation as a crutch…(see what I did there)
> 2. it is very much “your business“ and if you can’t have a simple conversation about the situation, that’s a much bigger problem.
> 3. Stop trying to play blue‘s clues with his intentions and motivations, just have a positive, non-nagging non-harping conversation about it. Tell him you’re happy he’s taking action on this and ask what made it a priority for him, and go from there.


FIrst, LOL! YES. That made me laugh. Thank you for that!

I don't know if that conversation can be had. But I will try.


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## ButterflyGirl (4 mo ago)

Teacherwifemom said:


> I don’t know, besides his health problems, it sounds like he’s pretty mean to you. Is he ever kind? Do you guys ever chit chat or have friendly conversations? The foot surgery might just be because he’s finally in enough pain to do something about it. His lack of willingness to talk to you about the issues in the marriage is what’s most concerning. I’d be looking for a change on that front.


He can be very kind when he wants to be. I have tried to give him the benefit of the doubt so many times. Maybe it is the pain and not feeling good that puts him on edge and the "real" him would not behave that way. And of course under a lot of pressure with life in general (work, extended family, etc.) - not excuses, but are reasons in my mind I have used to explain why he seems to be that way so much.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

ButterflyGirl said:


> It is a start! It has caused a lot of resentment but I would be so happy if I knew that he has turned the corner and is working towards real change that i probably could over time let go of some of the ill feelings.


I don't know your other posts. Has he not been working? Or has he been working but not helping out around the home? And if he gets this surgery, do you have any reasonable expectation he will then do so after recovery?


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## ButterflyGirl (4 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I don't know your other posts. Has he not been working? Or has he been working but not helping out around the home? And if he gets this surgery, do you have any reasonable expectation he will then do so after recovery?


He is gainfully employed - it involves gaining over 100 pounds in a short time period and not being active enough to take it off while creating other health issues. I don't know what he will do after the foot surgery, but hope that it gets him to doing something active.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Fixing his foot isn’t a heart transplant unfortunately in this case ❤


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## ButterflyGirl (4 mo ago)

Mr.Married said:


> Fixing his foot isn’t a heart transplant unfortunately in this case ❤


No, it is not.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

ButterflyGirl said:


> He is gainfully employed - it involves gaining over 100 pounds in a short time period and not being active enough to take it off while creating other health issues. I don't know what he will do after the foot surgery, but hope that it gets him to doing something active.


It should help, although it's a lot easier to put on than take off. Once you get crippled up, you will gain weight. It won't just come off because he can walk well again, though. But hopefully it will make him feel better.


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## ButterflyGirl (4 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> It should help, although it's a lot easier to put on than take off. Once you get crippled up, you will gain weight. It won't just come off because he can walk well again, though. But hopefully it will make him feel better.


He deserves to feel good. I think we all do. He does have a long road ahead of him, but it has to start somewhere.


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