# Fed up...venting!



## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

I have gotten to a point that responsibilities are more than one person can handle. My "to do" list is longer than I could ever get too and I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. To have to deal with all of this along with recovering from my husband cheating, I'm not sure its doable. 

I keep thinking I need to "destress" my life. For our entire marriage I have taken care of all the finances and bills, so I asked my husband to share in this now. I wanted not our old marriage but a new one with a partner. He's taken on paying a few bills for me and handled a couple of things like smog and registration for both vehicles but I still have 90% of it. I'm behind on taxes and filings for his business and get behind every day. I'm on a treadmill and losing traction...about to fall off the back.

Kids are adding to this. My straight A student just got an F on an assignment because she neglected to do it at all. She's pretty unorganized and unmotivated she is just bright this required her to do some research on spring break but she couldn't be bothered with it. She's gotten a few C's this year...probably and affect of this marriage. My son has some issues, health related which make him a challenge at times. He's pulled some pretty awful things lately. I don't understand it, I know that kids will sometimes act up when their parents are going through problems but we've done all we could to shield them and its 8 months later..

Work is out of control and I've really screwed up by not meeting some commitments. I've been putting in 14 hour days but its not been enough. I've worked weekends. We have bills that need to be paid so I've tried to do what's been necessary. 

Last summer my husband said to me that he was no longer in love with me. I spend too much time at work and not enough attention to him. He was working very little at that time so without my paycheck we would have lost our home! Meantime I was running kids around to their activities, handling our finances, bills and his business and he said he resented having to come home and make dinner. HE felt the need to check out??? Then made it worse when he dumped 100% of the children's care and other responsibilities on me while he ran around with her? Oh, and the kicker how come I didn't work out and get in shape, he was so disappointed....

True that when we reconciled he said he was an A***** for saying all of these things and it was so unfair of him. He says he does not feel that way at all now and he was really just screwed up for awhile. He now manages getting kids off in the morning, I pick up, he makes dinner most nights, and tells me he supports me in whatever I have to do for work and if I need to cut back we will make it (its hard to cut back its sort of all or nothing, I work as a contractor so I could not get any work at all for awhile). 

When things happen..like today kids outside in front yard playing my oldest watching and they decided to throw rocks one broke my back window of my car....my resentment of the things that happened to me, the affair, the mean way my husband treated me, lack of appreciation all come out. I am upset with the kids throwing rocks but I'm mad at him now too..not because he wasn't here, he's working but because I feel like I do way too much and that I am completely unappreciated. 

Thanks for letting me vent...I actually feel better. I did snap at him on the phone and said that here I got one thing done today and now have another on my list and I'm on a treadmill...then I told him he didn't appreciate me and dinner wouldn't be ready and I know he expects it but too damn bad....

Not sure how to destress, I'm trying but its only getting worse.


----------



## martino (May 12, 2008)

Hi AZ,

Maybe take a complete inventory of everything that has to be done week to week and exactly who will do it. Make him step up responsibility wise and take *half* the burdon off your shoulders. For example: He takes the kids to the game, you do the bills. Wife and I, she does all the bills and grocery shopping, yard work. I take our kid to school, take him to therapy clinic, psychologists, social workers, doctors etc. We are happy that way, she enjoys the mundane task type stuff, I like to be hands on with our son. Take what you both do best and split duties. Just an idea, I know it's more complicated than that. 

Sounds like you and him are nearing a breaking point with his infidelities in the past. 

Good luck....


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I know this story AZ.

Talk to your doctor or therapist about an anti-anxiety med. At the height of our madness and crap similar to what you outline, I felt like I was going to have a breakdown at work. I ended up in the ER with chest pain. Did about 4 months of zoloft to be able to think straight and make some decisions about where my life was going.

We all have stress. But I think that I am familiar with the kind of stress you are referring to. It's dangerous. Take the right steps to take care of yourself. You don't want to be making decisions about the course of your marriage, and life, while feeling the weight and the strain you currently bear.

Whether it's a prescription, time off, a vacation, a new job, exercising, line-dancing, or lion taming, (drinking heavily is seldom a good option to pursue) do what you need to do, for you.


----------



## MyKidsMom (Feb 5, 2008)

Take a couple deep breaths I mean this. drink a glass of water a big one. Go refresh your make up dont forget to breath breath drink another galss of water now your in the bathroom you may need to use it (hehehe) breath breath breath Im sending you a cyber hug XXXXXXXX Now open that bathroom door walk out and only get done what you can do. The little things can wait screw the dishes for a day what ever but find yourself. Breath


----------



## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Just like that country song says "breath in, breath out, put one foot in front of the other" I know, easier said then done. You need to lower your expectations of yourself, again, easier said then done. With all the things you have to deal with right now you are to destracted to be efficient and productive. You sound a lot like me, the person who can always get everything done, but a lot of that stress you bring on yourself because you expect so much of yourself. Wouldn't it be nice to have the ability like so many others to just not care? 

Try to break tasks down to more managable parts so you can accomplish little things, then you feel you are a least getting things done. Example, cook enough dinner for three days, if the family doesn't like it point to the kitchen, but that gives you two days you don't have to cook. Laundry, one load a night, not five. And learn to tell others NO when their demands push you. As for the business that is a hard one, it sounds like you need professional help or to hire someone to do what you can't. 

I am not sure if this helps but things in life happen in cycles, times when every thing just clicks into place and times like you are having right now where nothing seems right. Keep telling youself you are strong enough to see this bad cycle through to the end, you know a good cycle is coming, it may be a week or a year from now but it will get here. Your problems are over whelming right now but in perspective this bad cycle will only be a small fraction of your life, you can and will get through this time.

Cooper


----------



## kipper (Jan 12, 2011)

Oh my goodness, I thought I was having a hard time. I know its of no help at all, but I am sending you warm thoughts of strength to deal with your challenges. You need to divest some of your responsibilities. Its hard though, isn't it, when it just seems to be your role to accept responsibilities - I get that feeling, but you're killing yourself. Let your husband do some of it. And 14 hour days? omg. Be strong, find a new job or ask your boss hire someone to help you, and stop apologizing for not being superwoman - at work and at home, bail on some of your responsbilities and note that the world will not end.


----------



## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

Hi AZ...
I learned something about myself in the therapy my H and I did - brief but helpful.

I suffer from anxiety... and apparently it is genetic. Its not my fault, its not something I can 'remove' from my chemistry. Its just part of me. 

SO, when I get too stressed or anxious, I naturally "find enemies" is how my therapist put it. Its amazing how many triggers hit me in regard to my H's past when I'm actually suffering from stress related to work or completely separate things.

It sounds to me like LIFE is stressing - and your system is trying to deal with it by "finding the enemy" to makes sense of it all.

I would re-read our post, list the things that you mention from NOW that are troubling you (kids + rock + window = come on, this would put anyone over the edge!) Allow yourself to see that yes, that **** is damn stressing. But separate it from your H's past. Stay in the now. When you do hit a trigger specifically ties to your H, allow that to process as it will, but don't make current matters worse by weaving **** in. For you own well being. 

And, while you're at it, ask yourself, what if you didn't do all that you're doing? Maybe something would fall off - but at what expense? Would it really matter? That F your daughter got... that's her gift to herself, not yours. 

If anxiety and stress are built into your core, take is seriously. Break it down and work on it piece by piece.

Oh, and don't forget to breathe. I hear that helps too.


----------

