# is this acceptance?



## jforthegirl (Nov 29, 2013)

I posted something yesterday about how I had accessed my stbxh's email. It turns out he has been having an EA and is in love with a much younger, married, mom of 1.
the emails that I read profusely expressed their love for each other.
it was excruciating to read.
after an epic crying session that lasted most of the night, I have this odd calmness and depression, I think, and I have realized that I need to just let it all go.
I think up to this point, although he has told me many times that he doesnt live me or want to be with me anymore, it had not really sunk in until I saw his emails to her. 
It has been a real eye opener. He just doesn't love me. At all.
That hurts, but I realize now that he really wants to leave and get away from me.
is this the beginning of the acceptance stage?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

jforthegirl said:


> I posted something yesterday about how I had accessed my stbxh's email. It turns out he has been having an EA and is in love with a much younger, married, mom of 1.
> the emails that I read profusely expressed their love for each other.
> it was excruciating to read.
> after an epic crying session that lasted most of the night, I have this odd calmness and depression, I think, and I have realized that I need to just let it all go.
> ...


It's likely shock.


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## Honorbound (Nov 19, 2013)

Conrad is right... you are in the numb stage from emotional overload. Your emotions for the next few months will likely vary wildly - glad he's gone, almost manic happiness, intense anger, intense sadness, and deep depression. It's the 'emotional roller-coaster' everyone on this board has been on at one time or another... and it blows.

I am sorry you are going through this.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

Conrad said:


> It's likely shock.


Conrad is probably right.
I wish I could tell you that it is acceptance but I am.afraid it isn't.
Be ready for the.rollercoaster of emotions.
Always remember that you will.get better.
It is.going to be very painful but you will survive.
Have you began the divorce proccess?

Best of luck to you


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

*Re: Re: is this acceptance?*



jforthegirl said:


> I posted something yesterday about how I had accessed my stbxh's email. It turns out he has been having an EA and is in love with a much younger, married, mom of 1.
> the emails that I read profusely expressed their love for each other.
> it was excruciating to read.
> after an epic crying session that lasted most of the night, I have this odd calmness and depression, I think, and I have realized that I need to just let it all go.
> ...


If he doesn't know already, don't say anything about the emails. You may get into legal trouble. Ask your attorney. You can say what you know, just don't let on to how you know. 

He has put himself in a corner with this married woman. Pathetic POS. 

Meanwhile he has set you free to find someone who really loves you and deserves you. 

I know, I was where you are a year ago.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

With the source of your information kept private as mentioned before, expose him to his family, his friends and most importantly the husband of the POS OW.

Time to 180, NC, work on yourself and embrace your new, exciting future.

Be strong,
Stretch


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## jforthegirl (Nov 29, 2013)

Thanks for the support. Today is a hard day, it is all starting to sink in.
I can't even breathe today. 

I've mentioned this to his family, he is telling them that it's not an affair, it's just "fantasy".
What I read was not fantasy, they were professing their love for each other in every single email.
I wish I could un-see all or it.
fantasy, liar, he just can't stop with the lies.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

jforthegirl said:


> Thanks for the support. Today is a hard day, it is all starting to sink in.
> I can't even breathe today.
> 
> I've mentioned this to his family, he is telling them that it's not an affair, it's just "fantasy".
> ...


He's not lying.

Affairs are fantasy.


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## jforthegirl (Nov 29, 2013)

Ceegee said:


> He's not lying.
> 
> Affairs are fantasy.



But the love is real.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Brokenman85 (Jul 24, 2013)

jforthegirl said:


> But the love is real.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


"Love" starting from an affair is NOT real. It's why relationships that start from one almost NEVER last. You can't start a relationship built on deceit, lies, and unfaithfulness and expect it to last. It will catch up to him...sooner or later.


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## jforthegirl (Nov 29, 2013)

Brokenman85 said:


> "Love" starting from an affair is NOT real. It's why relationships that start from one almost NEVER last. You can't start a relationship built on deceit, lies, and unfaithfulness and expect it to last. It will catch up to him...sooner or later.


I hope that you're right. Not because I want him back, but because I'm not sure what lengths he will go to to be with this young woman , who is married with a kid. I'm worried he will pick up and leave the area to go be with her if she asks him to. Then our daughter will be without her father. That really scares me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Brokenman85 (Jul 24, 2013)

jforthegirl said:


> I hope that you're right. Not because I want him back, but because I'm not sure what lengths he will go to to be with this young woman , who is married with a kid. I'm worried he will pick up and leave the area to go be with her if she asks him to. Then our daughter will be without her father. That really scares me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Don't worry because I am more than likely right. What he is doing is nothing out of the ordinary. He is in an affair fog. 

You can look up countless stories from spouses in "the fog" and they almost _always_ start and end up the exact same. 

It's actually pretty comical how similar all the stories are. It doesn't mean he will come back to you, but his relationship with this woman will almost positively NOT last. 

He has maybe a few percent chance of it lasting at BEST. I certainly wouldn't bet against those odds. It might take years...but they will end. 

By then, you will have moved on and found someone who truly loves you. All over these boards are men and women who take marriage seriously. It may be hard to believe that someone is out there for you....but they are. 

Read the following article. It may give you some peace. 
Coping With Infidelity: Understanding The "Wayward Fog" - Marriage AdvocatesMarriage Advocates


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## jforthegirl (Nov 29, 2013)

Brokenman85 said:


> Don't worry because I am more than likely right. What he is doing is nothing out of the ordinary. He is in an affair fog.
> 
> You can look up countless stories from spouses in "the fog" and they almost _always_ start and end up the exact same.
> 
> ...


Thanks for those links BrokenMan, it does help to read about couples in the sane situation. Between the Wayward Fog and the MLC, my marriage never had a chance...
now if I can just pick up the pieces and let it go and move on.
I want to be happy again and be with someone who loves me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

jforthegirl said:


> Thanks for those links BrokenMan, it does help to read about couples in the sane situation. Between the Wayward Fog and the MLC, my marriage never had a chance...
> now if I can just pick up the pieces and let it go and move on.
> I want to be happy again and be with someone who loves me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Be happy first.

The rest of it (like someone else) will take care of itself.


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## Brokenman85 (Jul 24, 2013)

jforthegirl said:


> Thanks for those links BrokenMan, it does help to read about couples in the sane situation. Between the Wayward Fog and the MLC, my marriage never had a chance...
> now if I can just pick up the pieces and let it go and move on.
> I want to be happy again and be with someone who loves me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know how bad you're hurting. It sucks. I desperately want to be happy again too. It's been 7 months for me and I would be lying if I said I was happy. It's going to take time. I've learned a lot about myself in the process and I know it will all be worth it some day. We didn't choose for this to happen but we have to learn to deal with it anyway. Keep coming to this site and talking. It helps. Misery loves company.


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## jforthegirl (Nov 29, 2013)

Brokenman85 said:


> I know how bad you're hurting. It sucks. I desperately want to be happy again too. It's been 7 months for me and I would be lying if I said I was happy. It's going to take time. I've learned a lot about myself in the process and I know it will all be worth it some day. We didn't choose for this to happen but we have to learn to deal with it anyway. Keep coming to this site and talking. It helps. Misery loves
> 
> And heaven knows I'm pretty miserable.
> Thanks for listening TAM buddies.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Start your GAL (Get A Life) activities, ASAP!


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## jforthegirl (Nov 29, 2013)

Stretch said:


> Start your GAL (Get A Life) activities, ASAP!


What are those??
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Honorbound (Nov 19, 2013)

jforthegirl said:


> What are those??
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Finding things you enjoy doing, or always wanted to do. Exercise so that you feel and look better - it does wonders for your self-confidence. Meet up with other people that have similar interests as you. Go out and treat yourself to something nice. Buy new clothes. Get a new hairdo.

I know these things can be tough with a 7-month old. Get a sitter if you have to. You really need to do this.

Based on your various threads, I am concerned that you have replaced what codependency you had for your husband with sacrificing 100% of yourself for your little one ("She is my life"). You are not benefiting her by neglecting yourself. Just the opposite, in fact. If you really love her, you will make sure that _you_ are strong and happy with yourself - and teach her to be the same. She will always look to you as an example of either 'How to be' or 'How not to be'. Make yourself into a woman she will be proud of - and that you would be proud that she emulates.

To do any of these things you will need time to yourself. I know it can be hard, but it is necessary.

I am a parent. I know I have taught mine more by example than by what either I, or their mother, have told them. They both have always been in the top of their classes in school. They both have learned to be honest, faithful, and strong. Their mother constantly _tells_ them how much she has sacrificed for them and tries to manipulate them into feeling sorry for her, yet they emulate _me_ in their words, ethics, and deeds - not her. It is because I have always tried to lead by example and give them a father they could be proud of - regardless of what she, or anyone else, said or did. That required me to be happy with myself.

They are now young adults and I couldn't be prouder of them.

Take the time you need to become the woman you want to be. Your daughter will be thankful for that one day.


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## jforthegirl (Nov 29, 2013)

Honorbound said:


> Finding things you enjoy doing, or always wanted to do. Exercise so that you feel and look better - it does wonders for your self-confidence. Meet up with other people that have similar interests as you. Go out and treat yourself to something nice. Buy new clothes. Get a new hairdo.
> 
> I know these things can be tough with a 7-month old. Get a sitter if you have to. You really need to do this.
> 
> ...



I agree with you, I am trying to take care of myself. Four days after he told me that he was leaving me because I am a horrible person, I was in IC. I want to work through my issues si that I can be a better woman and mother, and someday, a beget partner to someone else. 
I am trying to stay busy, spending time with friends and family. 
But I still find myself obsessively thinking about them. It's torture. 
Anyone have suggestions on how to stop obsessing about them and their love, and move on?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Brokenman85 (Jul 24, 2013)

jforthegirl said:


> I am trying to stay busy, spending time with friends and family.
> But I still find myself obsessively thinking about them. It's torture.
> Anyone have suggestions on how to stop obsessing about them and their love, and move on?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I hate to break it to you, but there isn't anything you can probably do to stop thinking about them. It's normal. 

It's just going to take time...and a lot of it. This will be the toughest time of your life. 

It's going to take everything you have to get through each and every day. Try to latch onto family and friends in this time. It won't fix the pain, but it helps. 

In due time, you will slowly start to feel better. Try to look at this situation as the biggest learning experience of your life. Use the pain as motivation to make yourself a better person in every way. 

If we don't learn from this....then it's all for nothing. It's easier said than done, but you have to push on. _You just have to_. There is no other positive option. It's either this or wither away to nothing. 

If you can get through this(and I believe you can), it will make you stronger than you ever thought possible. You will learn so much about yourself, love, and life in general. 

This will set you up to have a fantastic relationship with the next lucky guy that comes along. Meanwhile, your selfish POS ex-husband will continue down a path of self destruction, learning absolutely nothing from all of this. 

He will continue with a pattern of new relationships because he doesn't understand what it takes to make one last. To fix a problem, you have to acknowledge that there IS one and your husband will probably never realize his faults and fix them.

You think YOU have lost now, but in the end you will be the one laughing. Try to better yourself in at least one way everyday. It doesn't have to be significant. In the end, these small changes will add up and set yourself up for a great future.


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## jforthegirl (Nov 29, 2013)

Brokenman85 said:


> I hate to break it to you, but there isn't anything you can probably do to stop thinking about them. It's normal.
> 
> It's just going to take time...and a lot of it. This will be the toughest time of your life.
> 
> ...


Oh, I hope that you are right. My self esteem is pretty crushed right now.
Although I have to see the stbx every day (he still watches our daughter while I am at work), I have no idea what is going on with him. I have yet to look at him in the face this week and we only talk about our daughter and what happened during the day while I was at work.
I say neither "hi" or "goodbye" to him as he comes and goes.
it's weird, but I am resolved to not try and find out anything about his new life. It's kinda hard, but I know that whatever I hear will only hurt me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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