# Completely Blindsided!



## blindsided75 (Jan 18, 2012)

I just found out about two weeks ago my wife of 11 years was having an affair. 
I was paying the bills and noticed more minutes than usual on the cell phone bill. After further investigation I found that there were a lot of blocked calls and a strange number. I confronted my wife about it and at first she tried to lie. She then confessed "with some questioning" about the affair. Come to find out it had been going on for two and half months. She immediately ended the affair and wants to make our marriage work. 
She says she was very happy with me and other than attention from this other guy doesn't know why she did it.
I went out of town and she and some friends went out drinking. She met the guy that night and slept with him. Then continued for the next two months. She says she visited him on more than 3 occasions, but only slept with him 3 times. I find it hard to believe. They were talking and texting all the time. Do you think she is just trying to minimize the affair to keep me around? She says she wants to be with me more than anything and for the rest of our lives. 
We've been together for 13 years and have 4 children. Hard to believe she would throw it all away in just one night with a stranger. She blames it on the fact that our sex life was not what it once was. I haven't pressed to hard for answers, but she seems like she just wants to move on without really discussing it. I think I want some details. I think I need them for closure if I'm going to try to make this work.
I really do love her, but don't know if I can bare it. I have been obsessed with it since I found out. It has definitely been the worst two weeks of my life.
The scary part is that for two and a half months I had no idea. We seemed like we were still very happy. I completely trusted her. She always acted like she couldn't lie. Turns out she was very good at it. She seems very sorry and willing to do whatever to fix it. I just don't understand it. It doesn't seem to fit the typical affair. I don't know what to do. The whole thing is wearing me out! Any advice will be much appreciated.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Completely obsessed NO DOUBT!!!! 

You will get alot of advice!! My suggestion is marriage counseling and you guys must talk about this!!


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

To date, your letting your wife off to easy. Sweeping it under the rug. This will not work and those feelings you have will fester.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

If anything, your case is totally typical. The forum is littered with stories like yours, and mine has eerie resemblance to it as well.

She wants to rug-sweep the affair, if you let her do it, you'll be in torture and she is likely to repeat it. Don't take it for granted she stopped the communication with the affair partner. Cheaters often don't, even after the discovery day. Install keylogger on her PC, get a voice activated recorder.

She has to answer all your questions, she has to do whatever it takes you to heal. She has no say in how you are supposed to "move on". Your way or the highway. Make that clear.


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## Bugz Bunny (Nov 28, 2011)

blindsided75 said:


> Come to find out it had been going on for two and half months. She immediately ended the affair and wants to make our marriage work.
> 
> *Keep an eye on her and don't stop snooping...the affair is maybe gone underground and that means she is better in hiding it...
> *
> ...


*The answers are bolded*


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

There MUST be some accountability on her part---you just can't MOVE ON.----She has done what is akin to murdering your mge., and driving a stake thru your heart------not withstanding---what has she now done to her own flesh and blood children---thier life will never be the same.

You can take her back, but your life is miserable, I assume your wife is living in guilt, if she is truly over her little sexcapade, and there is tension everywhere---AND BELIEVE ME YOUR KIDS KNOW SOMETHING IS WRONG.

You need to get to the deep down CORE WHY---she did this---One just does not go out and have sex, with a stranger, if their mge., is good----she was willing to toss it all away in ONE NIGHT---WHY

She went thru stop sign, after stop sign---to sleep with him-----so she was getting attention SO WHAT----she wasn't just dropped on this planet---SHE KNOWS WHAT INFIDELITY DOES TO FAMILIES, yet she wanted to sleep with the guy----WHY

On top of all of that, it was more than likely with a strange man, who could have done all sorts of things to her, and beyond that she could have been bringing a nutcase, or criminal into all of your lives------no one really knows what they are getting with an AP, they meet in a bar on a ONS.

Your wife has a long hard haul ahead of her---you have the same long hard road to traverse---but since it was her----who decided you were nothing but a POS, and her own kids, were no better---it is your wife that MUST do all the HEAVY LIFTING, and not just say, she wants to make the mge. work---she MUST SHOW BY ACTION, what she is all about

You yourself, are in for a long, hard, miserable ride---that will take you a long time to get thru, if you ever get thru what she has done---she has destroyed, your carefree life, taken away your peace of mind---and wrecked your trust, very possibly you may never really trust any woman again---thanks to your so called wife!!!!!!!


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

Oh yes, your case is completely by the book. First denial, then damage control and at last rug sweeping.

I have to agree on most parts with Bugz - except that I think that even if she loves you it could still happen. She may have been weak at the time and made a really bad discision and didn't consider the consequences.

And yes, I too was totally shocked by my wife's skills in lying and deceiving.

Prepare your self for some really tough months and demand that she is being open and honest with you and tell you what ever you may want to know.

My own learning from my experience is, that you have to focus hard on your own well being - do some things/activities to keep your self esteem.

Good luck to you - sorry you have to go through this.


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## oldmittens (Dec 2, 2011)

blindsided75 said:


> I just found out about two weeks ago my wife of 11 years was having an affair.
> I was paying the bills and noticed more minutes than usual on the cell phone bill. After further investigation I found that there were a lot of blocked calls and a strange number. I confronted my wife about it and at first she tried to lie. She then confessed "with some questioning" about the affair. Come to find out it had been going on for two and half months. She immediately ended the affair and wants to make our marriage work.
> She says she was very happy with me and other than attention from this other guy doesn't know why she did it.
> I went out of town and she and some friends went out drinking. She met the guy that night and slept with him. Then continued for the next two months. She says she visited him on more than 3 occasions, but only slept with him 3 times. I find it hard to believe. They were talking and texting all the time. Do you think she is just trying to minimize the affair to keep me around? She says she wants to be with me more than anything and for the rest of our lives.
> ...


Welcome to talk about marriage you will find a lot of useful things to help you here whether you decide to recover your marriage or not. I came here after I discovered my wife was having a two-year affair with my former best friend and had his child. I too was taken completely by surprise when I found out.

Like your wife mine showed a tremendous amount of remorse but at the same time tried to rug sweep thought we could put it all behind us without really talking about it. Ultimately it didn't work out for us but it can for you. Do not let her sweep this under the rug she needs to offer you complete and total transparency nothing less is acceptable. Infidelity is one of the worst things that can happen to a person do not let her minimize your pain.

There's going to be a great urge on your part and even more on your wife's to try and sweep this under the rug and pretend it never happened. But this will not help you recover this will only make things worse. Focus on getting as much information as you are comfortable with and make sure you have 100% truth. Trust but verify has become your motto now your wife has lost the ability to be taken at her word. You need to start by getting access to all of her e-mails and her cell phone as well as Facebook and the other way she can communicate with people and she needs to do this voluntarily enthusiastically even for there to be a chance at recovery.

Best of luck you didn't deserve this nobody does.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

. She immediately ended the affair and wants to make our marriage work. Why does she want work on the marriage? I mean what changed?
She says she was very happy with me and other than attention from this other guy doesn't know why she did it.
*Really?* *Then she told yuu this* … *She blames it on the fact that our sex life was not what it once was*Sound to my that she nows the why´s.. _She says she visited him on more than 3 occasions, but only slept with him 3 times_. *I doubt this*. _I find it hard to believe._ *You dont belive it for good reason*.They were talking and texting all the time. *Again Really?* Do you think she is just trying to minimize the affair to keep me around? *Minimaizing is the norm when it come´s to affairs. Keep digging very unlikly you have got the truth.*_*She says she wants to be with me more than anything and for the rest of our lives. *_*Have her prove it..Ask her to send a NC (No contact me letter)letter.And expose the OM to his Wife/Girlfriend.*
We've been together for 13 years and have 4 children. Hard to believe she would throw it all away in just one night with a stranger. She blames it on the fact that our sex life was not what it once was. I haven't pressed to hard for answers, Keep pressing,dont let her of the hook. *The key here is ,The truth and nothing bit the truth, so help me god.*_but she seems like she just wants to move on without really discussing it_.*Its called rugsweeping(Sometime the reason is to go underground with the affair). Dont do that.. *_I think I want some details._*Your entitled to have the full picture you need*.. _ I think I need them for closure if I'm going to try to make this work._*Yes you do.Smart thinking*
I really do love her, but don't know if I can bare it. I have been obsessed with it since I found out. It has definitely been the worst two weeks of my life.
The scary part is that for two and a half months I had no idea. We seemed like we were still very happy. I completely trusted her. She always acted like she couldn't lie. Turns out she was very good at it. _She seems very sorry and willing to do whatever to fix it_. *Whats her plan for it?*_I just don't understand_ it.*Sadly you will probably never will understand it..In my case still dont get it.* _It doesn't seem to fit the typical affair_. *There are no such thing as a typical affair*..I don't know what to do. The whole thing is wearing me out! Any advice will be much appreciated.



*If her affair partner has a wife/girlfriend she need to be told..

If you want to make this work,please do not let your WW negotiate 
The terms..*

Ps

just remember this it very rare you get the full truth ,with the first confession..


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## Romeo_Holden (Sep 17, 2011)

you already got good advice on here....the only thing I wanted to add is that the reason she cheated was attention. Sex had nothing to do with it ....she liked getting attention from someone new and responded sexually this was about her ego not about your marital sex life she is just blame shifting right now which is not uncommon for newly discovered affairs. You need to make her understand that you need the whole truth and be ready to leave if she still wants to play games.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

****I went out of town and she and some friends went out drinking. She met the guy that night and slept with him. Then continued for the next two months.****

Who was babysitting that night?


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

In addtion to all the above:

1. You and her need to get tested for STD's, The fun part of the affair that she did not tell you about.

2. Oh course she is sorry, as long as you put it aside she is giving a free pass and does not have to rebuild the marriage.

3. Get ready for Triggers, these are the fun little things that pop into your head when you are with your wife. If you are making love to her " The other man was sharing this intimate action that was suppose to be exclusive between me and my wife" really helps in the love making. Also, What did she do intimately with him that she never did with me. In addition, will she now stop an act with yhou because it triggers her as something she did with the other man.

4. This is always good she puts it on you that because you were not that affectionate she looked somewhere else. The questions should be " Since you were my wife, why did not you invest some time with me to try and make it better then disrespecting me so much"

Hey this is just the begining you have a long road ahead of you. 

I like the comment in a previous thread, Secretly pack her bags put them in the trunk of the car. Ask her to go for a ride drop her and her bag off at the OM address. Go home. This would get the problem across to her and she may stop rug sweeping.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

It's not over - it's likely at best on hold for now.

Why? Because there is no reason for her to end it. She was able to keep the affair and you happily separate and going until you found the phone bill.

She stopped not because she wanted to, she stopped because she got caught.

She hasn't accept the responsibility for the affair yet either: Instead she has blamed you for not giving her enough sex,you the time you said XXXX, or the other thing you didn't do right. - This is called blame shifting and it's what a cheater does to justify to themselves why it's OK to have the affair. As long as she keeps spouting crap like that, her brain is still justifying the affair.

what do people do when they feel justified in doing something they want? Answer: the go ahead and do it.

So now she has to cool it for it a bit, and she knows not to use the phone again. So maybe use a good old second affair phone to contact him - that works for so many affairs, it can work for her.

So once she thinks it is safe she'll get it going again. 

All it cost her was some tears and promises and a new phone.

To stop that from happening you need to make the cost of continuing the affair too high and she must actually show remorse.

Find the OM. But do not confront him - he doesn't care she's cheating. BUT do find his wife or girlfriend. She will CARE. let her know what he did.

This makes carrying on with your wife costly for him, and he won't want her.

Now, for your wife - you must also have consequences for her so that this is a costly thing to do:

1. Loss of privacy: She looses the ability to lock her phone, have private emails and texts. She gives you all her passwords and doesn't change them. She also does not delete email/texts without your OK.

2. No more going out with friends like the night she first met him. Not any longer - she lost that by choosing to do what she did. Obviously she can't be faithful in such situations, so if she really wants to save the marriage -she's done.

3. Any friends that new of her cheating and did not tell you about it - are gone from her life. They enabled the affair, possibly even encouraged it. Especially the friends she was out with that night drinking. What - they didn't notice a married mom of 4 hanging all over the OM and leaving with him? 

You must also trust by verify. This means for instance secretly putting a VAR (voice activated recorded - available at WalMart) under her car seat. The purpose is to pick up when she contacts him on her affair phone.

Don't accept a few tears and say your going to forgive to save your marriage. That will in fact doom your marriage. Instead deal with the very real fact that she was VERY good at lying to you and she easily and without guilt shagged this guy repeatedly. 

So you need to go full on into affair ending mode and really end it her - or it will just start up again and it WILL end you marriage.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Certainly the both of you need to get tested for STD's. The sad part is that she said she was fine with you and the marriage and just slept with this guy and continued it for months just for the hell of it. It is clear that she had no intention of stopping it and would still be screwing him if she was not caught. What is wrong with this picture?
See an attorney. Your wife is playing you for a fool.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Oh, and they met up way more than 3 times.

He found a source of free and easy sex - and she found a guy willing to give her tonnes of attention.

Look in the calls and match them up to dates/times when she was gone out or you weren't home. Look for breaks for a couple of hours in the texts where they end and then start up later. These are times when they met up. The first calls are the set up, the later calls are the follow ups.


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## blindsided75 (Jan 18, 2012)

First off, thanks for all the advice. I told her this morning that I want full disclosure on my terms. She believes that because I know about the affair that, that is all I need to know.She doesn't seem to realize how important the details are. Up to this point I haven't really asked for many details though. It just seems like when we start talking directly about what she was capable of she claims up. I told her I want to know exactly how I was getting played. I believe that the affair has stopped and there has been no contact. As much as I can believe right now. She has made a major effort to be with me all the time and doesn't seem to be hiding anything else. I am not naive though, I do verify everything and constantly check her phone and phone records. I feel like a detective. The OM use to always block his number, so yesterday I blocked my number and called her to see if she would answer and then if she would tell me. She did not answer and she told me she thought he tried to contact her. Oh the mind games!


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## blindsided75 (Jan 18, 2012)

She swears she loves me more than anything and wants our marriage to work. I told her this morning that I'm not sure she actually knows what love is. I'm not so naive to think that love alone is enough to keep someone from having a ONS, but to keep making the conscious/sober decision to keep doing is another thing. It seems like it really takes a hard heart to be able to pull that off undetected. I know that there have been times in my life when I have been flattered/ tempted , but I believe it was love/respect that kept me from pulling the trigger. It bothers me very much that it doesn't seem like she even thought of the one she seems to love so much!


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> The OM use to always block his number, so yesterday I blocked my number and called her to see if she would answer and then if she would tell me. She did not answer and she told me she thought he tried to contact her. Oh the mind games!


or she as a second phone and knows that OM won't call her from the blocked number anymore.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

Don't see you requiring her to get tested for STD's this will be part of the wakeup call to her. You need to get this done to protect yourself. If you have had sexual relations with her since her affair you also need to get this done.

Also, you need the NC letter and to contact his spouse or girlfriend to let them know what is going on.

Just remember your wife is as much to blame as the OM.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Don't take ANYTHING coming out of her mouth on faith. That early into it you are inclined to believe what you want to believe. Read my story or of scores of others here, don't repeat our mistakes.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

blindsided75 said:


> She believes that because I know about the affair that, that is all I need to know.She doesn't seem to realize how important the details are. Up to this point I haven't really asked for many details though. It just seems like when we start talking directly about what she was capable of she claims up. I told her I want to know exactly how I was getting played.


If you can manage to listen to the details your self, I would strongly suggest that you squeeze every bit out of her! It makes your wife think more about what she actually did, when she hear her self spell out the words and point out the places, thereby lowering (absolutely not removing) the risk of repetition.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

snap said:


> Don't take ANYTHING coming out of her mouth on faith. That early into it you are inclined to believe what you want to believe. Read my story or of scores of others here, don't repeat our mistakes.


:iagree:


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Do you think that your wife had no problem screwing this guy behind your back for months and putting your health at risk for STD's because in the back of her mind she knew that there would be no consequences to her actions if she was caught? She knew that you would forgive her. Look she had no intention of stopping the affair and being honest with you.

If she knew that if she engaged in cheating that you would have immediately divorced her, do you think she would have taken this risk? I doubt it. She knew all she had to say was that she was sorry and that you would forgive her. She has played you very well and you know it.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

bryanp said:


> Do you think that your wife had no problem screwing this guy behind your back for months and putting your health at risk for STD's because in the back of her mind she knew that there would be no consequences to her actions if she was caught? She knew that you would forgive her. Look she had no intention of stopping the affair and being honest with you.
> 
> If she knew that if she engaged in cheating that you would have immediately divorced her, do you think she would have taken this risk? I doubt it. She knew all she had to say was that she was sorry and that you would forgive her. She has played you very well and you know it.


I would like to add a remark to that. I think that WS often don't consider the risk at all because they actually don't think - they are completely drugged. IF it were to be true - you would eliminate all drug addicts just by threatening them with sanctions if they continue. There is more to it than that, I'm afraid.

That was my rational reasoning - my feelings also tend to think, that my wife was fully aware of risk and possible outcome... :scratchhead:


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> It's not over - it's likely at best on hold for now.
> 
> Why? Because there is no reason for her to end it. She was able to keep the affair and you happily separate and going until you found the phone bill.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

There may be some toxic friends involved. These type of GNOs are not so marriage friendly. These can readily become Girls Nights Out with Guys other than my husband. I mean really, you leave town and she supposedly picks up a stranger and bangs him the first night!? Then keeps going back for more.

Not only do you not know the extent of this affair for certain, you do not know that this is the only affair your wife has ever had. You just happened to catch some evidence. You caught her this time. Got some trickle truth.

Blaming the sex life seems on the one hand like a couples problem but it is also a slam on you that she finds another man more attractive and satisfying. That once you leave town she is on the prowl. This was no weak moment.

This would be a deal breaker for me. We all have our own boundaries. She has none. But you need to know where yours are. So far this is rug sweeping. Realize that she has had no respect for you and has been having sex with another man. Blaming her sex life with you. How much respect will she have for you if she can cry a few tears and get a free pass.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

You have been given some good advise above and it would benefit you to follow up on the above. In addition remember:

Cheaters use the love and trustworthness of their spouse against them. You have stated you love your wife and want the marriage to work. SHE KNOWS THIS AND IS USING IT AGAINST YOU.

You need to take the strong stand and not take any crap from her:

1. She needs to provide all information, not matter how much it hurts you or embarrasses her.

2. She needs to do the work to try and reclaim the marriage. If she thinks that by simplying saying she is sorry and you accept that you are in for a long problem.

3. Remeber the intimatcy that you had prior to her affair will never be the same. Sorry to say this but in the back of your mind your wife will always be someone you cannot trust. She did it once what is to stop her from doing it again? Her word? Remember the fable of the Scorpion and the Frog.

4. Your marriage is now different and changed you are restartiing your marriage with a whole new prespective on it. The trust, intimatcy, relationship and the amount of work you have to do to make this a good marriage has now changed. The work YOU will have to do is tremendous unfortunatley it is not all on your wife.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> :There may be some toxic friends involved. These type of GNOs are not so marriage friendly. These can readily become Girls Nights Out with Guys other than my husband. I mean really, you leave town and she supposedly picks up a stranger and bangs him the first night!? Then keeps going back for more.
> 
> Not only do you not know the extent of this affair for certain, you do not know that this is the only affair your wife has ever had. You just happened to catch some evidence. You caught her this time. Got some trickle truth.


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

This may not even be the first time she hooked up with a guy at the club and banged him. It takes a lot to cross those boundaries the first time. After the first time, it becomes much easier each time. I also smell trickle truth.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> :iagree: :iagree: :iagree:
> 
> This may not even be the first time she hooked up with a guy at the club and banged him. It takes a lot to cross those boundaries the first time. After the first time, it becomes much easier each time. I also smell trickle truth.


Wonder if there has ever been an infidelity case with no trickle truth...? :scratchhead:


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Re: Trying to work marriage out, but seems one-sided. Need perspective please. 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Print this off and make your wife read it:

Read this:

Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners.

The Sea of Stress is Difficult to Understand.

YOU BETRAYED YOUR PARTNER. NOW COMES THE FALLOUT.

They discovered your adultery. You ended the affair and promised you’ll never cheat again. But the stress from their emotional devastation lingers. And you don’t see much change – at least, not as much positive change as you expected. Many times, any visible changes are for the worse. You observe them bouncing back and forth like a ping-pong ball, moment to moment, from one emotion to the next. They’re unpredictable. There’s no discernable pattern. Their nerves are frayed. They can’t sleep. They can’t eat. Their thoughts are obsessive. Intrusive visions and flashbacks assault them without warning. They cry at the drop of a hat. They feel empty, used up, exhausted. The stress consumes their energy and their life until they feel like there’s nothing left. It’s terrible.

It’s an ordeal for you to witness their tortured, depressed and angry states, and what’s worse; you don’t know what to do. You’re not alone. Unfaithful spouses never dream they’ll get busted, so when confronted with their adultery they’re always caught by surprise; first by their partners’ knowledge, then by their intense agony. Indeed, unfaithful partners never think about what they’ll face “after” until after. The fact is: Though they inflict it, adulterers are unprepared for the onslaught of their spouses’ overwhelming emotional distress. Is this real? Is this permanent?

As you watch them sink lower and lower, wallowing in an emotional abyss, you wonder where the bottom is, when they will hit it, and if they will ever ascend from it and return to “normal.” You ask yourself, “Is this real?” Then you ask, “Will this ever end?”

The simple answers are: Yes, it is real. And, yes, it will end. But recovery takes a long time, often years, and much depends on you. Can you be remorseful, apologetic, loving, patient, empathetic and soothing over an extended period of time? Can you commit to openness and honesty at all times – and forevermore being faithful to your spouse?

Be honest with yourself: If you can’t or don’t want to get over your affair, if you don’t feel shame and remorse, and if you can’t generously provide appropriate support to your spouse, then now is the time to consider ending your marriage and spare your marital partner further pain. (If this is the case, you need not read any further.)

But if you have put the affair permanently behind you, if you feel and can freely express your remorse and shame for your unfaithfulness, and if you can commit to supporting your spouse through their excruciating anguish, then you have an excellent chance of rebuilding from this disaster you’ve wrought to a happy, satisfying, caring and loving marriage. The following is intended to help you help your partner, and in turn yourself, through this horrible time and jumpstart your journey to recovery.

So, take a couple of deep breaths… and let’s start with three foundational facts:

What you’re seeing in your spouse is a normal reaction to a life-changing event.

Your spouse needs to grieve for as long as it takes in order to recover and heal.

You can be a positive influence on their recovery.

Now, go back and reread them several times. Let them really sink in. When you can repeat them without looking, continue.

Your first mission is to learn.

Learning about your partner’s myriad reactions to your betrayal allows you to recognize, understand and properly respond to them as they occur. Doing so will help you get through
this horrible initial stage, which can last a long time.
Below you’ll find a little of what your spouse is probably experiencing. They may shift from one reaction to another, or they could experience multiple reactions concurrently. And don’t be surprised if they return to previous states many times. Where applicable, we’ve added some tips to help you to assist your partner through this. In some cases, however, there may be little for you to do except to simply “be there.”

Most importantly, remember at all times: Your infidelity has traumatized your spouse. Act accordingly.

SECTION 1 - THE WILD PATCHWORK OF EMOTIONS

DISBELIEF: They expect to wake up any minute from this nightmare. It can’t be true. They don’t believe it. This is natural. They trusted you and don’t want to believe you did what you did. It is common for this to occur in the very first moments of discovery. (Note: If some time elapsed between the discovery of your affair and the confrontation, you may have missed this when it happened, but it is also possible for your spouse to return to disbelief.)

SHOCK: They are numb and often seem dazed. Their emotions are frozen. Their senses are dulled. They go through the motions mechanically, robotically, but can’t seem to apply sufficient concentration to their day-to-day lives.

REALITY: “Oh my God. It really happened.” They feel they’re getting worse. Actually, reality has just set in. It’s as if a ton of bricks just fell on them and they’re buried beneath them. They don’t know where to turn, or can’t. Don’t discount the likelihood that they feel shamed by your infidelity. So, they may be reluctant to seek support from friends and family. Be available to them for emotional support and encourage them to talk freely with anyone they choose. Suggest therapy as a means to help them through their trauma, but never accuse them of “being irrational” or “acting crazy.” Be supportive and encouraging. Commend them for seeking help.

CONFUSION: They’re disoriented. They can’t think straight. They become impatient, disorganized and forgetful. More frequently than usual they go to a room to retrieve something, but once they get there they can’t remember what it was. This is very upsetting to them. Bear with them. Be gentle and be helpful. Help them find their misplaced purse or locate their lost keys. Know that they will eventually come out of the fog. Also be aware that their confusion, as with other states listed here, may be set off or magnified by certain “triggers.” (Note: Read more about “triggers” below.)

PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS: They may sleep or eat too little – or too much. They may suffer physical aches and pains, numbness or weakness. They may feel unusually tense and develop headaches, abnormal tics, twitching or shaking. They may feel sick to their stomach and vomit, or their digestive system may react with constipation or diarrhea. Weight loss is common. Usually the symptoms fade gradually. If these symptoms persist, make sure they check with a doctor to rule out other causes. Encourage them to eat well and to exercise – but don’t nag. You might instead take control of their diet by preparing healthy, well balanced meals. If you don’t cook, take them to restaurants where you know they serve nourishing food and, if necessary, order for them. If they’re not exercising, initiate taking long walks together. It’s a good way to ease them into a healthy exercise regimen, which is always a good stress reliever, and will provide opportunity for you to begin constructively re-establishing your “couplehood.”

CRYING: Deep emotions suddenly well up, seeking release as crying, uncontrollable sobbing and even screaming out loud. Allow them their time for tears. They can help. So can you. When they cry, give them your shoulder. Hug them. Help them through it by gently encouraging them, to “get it all out.” Be certain to verbalize your remorse for causing their pain. They need to hear this from you. (Note: Right now, genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit. That is why you’ll see many more references below. Read “Apologize” in Section 2.)

SELF-CONTROL: They control their emotions to fulfill their responsibilities, or to simply rest from the pain. Self-control can shape and give rhythm to their grieving, but be on the lookout for constant and rigid self-control. It can block healing. They need to reduce their emotional pressure to regain equilibrium. Allow them to vent when it happens. Be aware: Too much self-control means they are storing up much anger and will release it powerfully, like floodwaters breaking through a dam. So don’t be alarmed if they suddenly lash out at you, your affair partner, or even themselves. Understand that the release of anger is necessary to heal. Though it may not feel this way to you when it happens, it’s beneficial.

NEED TO KNOW: They will ask lots of questions. Their curiosity may be insatiable or it may be limited. Different people have different needs and tolerances for information, but they need information to process their trauma, move through it, and move past it.

Let them set the agenda. Whenever they ask a question, whatever they ask, answer honestly and sufficiently. Refusing to answer gives the appearance that you’re still keeping them in the dark, that you still have something to hide. Do not hold anything back. If they discover later that you omitted or hid details, or if the facts they discover don’t match the story you tell, they’ll feel betrayed once again. Follow the delivery of each new piece of hurtful information with an apology, and soothe them with another promise that you’ll never again be unfaithful.

WHY: They ask, “Why did you do this?” They may or may not expect an answer, but they ask repeatedly. If they do want an answer, provide it – and answer honestly. Even if the question is rhetorical, be aware that the question itself, rhetorical or not, is a cry of pain. And each time they feel pain, it should be answered with another apology. (I can’t stress enough how important this is.) Be aware: Even if they are not verbalizing this to you, they are still silently asking the question “Why?” over and over and over again.

INJUSTICE: They feel it’s all so unfair. You invited danger, you took the risk, but they suffered injury. They want justice and begin to think like a vigilante. They may harbour a secret desire to do harm to you or your affair partner. They may want to get even by having a “revenge affair.”
Understand that the aftermath of your unfaithfulness is an agony you have thrust upon them. Meanwhile, despite your betrayal and deceit, and the shame you feel, you and your affair partner may retain fond or even loving memories of your affair. One of my patients described her feelings of injustice this way: “I feel like a rape victim watching helplessly as the jury returns a ‘not guilty’ verdict. Then, the assailant looks at me, points his finger at me and laughs all the way out of the courtroom. How can this possibly happen?”

A sad truth of infidelity is: It is unfair. Of course, there is no “justice” that can come from this. Betrayed spouses generally settle into this realization on their own, but they need to know that you understand how this plagues them. (Note: Read “Share your feelings of guilt and shame” in Section 2. It explains the best way to help them through their sense of injustice.)

INADEQUACY: Their self esteem is shattered. They feel belittled, insignificant, and often even unlovable. Just as you would crumple a piece of scrap paper and toss it in the garbage without a second thought, they feel you crushed them, discarded them, and didn’t give them a second thought, either. So, they question their own value. They wonder if you truly love them – or if anyone could. They need to know why you now choose them over your affair partner, even if they don’t ask. Make your case convincingly. Be generous, but be genuine. They’ll know if you aren’t, and false flattery for the purpose of mere appeasement will only hurt them more.

REPEATING: Over and over again, they review the story, thinking the same thoughts. Do not attempt to stop them. Repeating helps them to absorb and process the painful reality. You can help them get through it by answering all their questions truthfully and filling in all the gaps for them. The more they know – the more they can repeat the complete story – the faster they process it, accept it and begin to heal. If the story remains incomplete or significant gaps are filled in later, they may have to start the process all over again.

IDEALIZING: Sometimes they remember only good memories, as if their time with you was perfect. They long to live in the past, before the affair came along and “messed it up.” Assure them that you, too, remember the good times, and want things to be good again. Remind them that you want an even better future, that you are willing to work at it, and, most importantly, that you want your future with them – and not your affair partner.

FRUSTRATION: Their past fulfillments are gone. They haven’t found new ones yet and don’t seem interested in finding any. They feel they’re not coping with grief “right” or they feel they should be healing faster. They don’t understand why the pain returns again and again. They wonder if they will ever recover and feel better. You can help them by verbalizing what they need to hear even if you don’t or can’t fully understand it yourself. Be empathetic and assure them that under the circumstances they’re doing okay. Remember that despite how much you have hurt them, you are still the one they chose as their life partner, for better or for worse. You may still be their closest confidante. As incongruous as it may seem, don’t be surprised if they choose to confide in you over others.

BITTERNESS: Feelings of resentment and hatred toward you and your paramour are to be expected. Don’t be surprised if they redirect much of the anger that’s really meant for you toward your paramour. This is natural. It’s actually a way of protecting their love for you during the early stages. By restricting their anger toward you, they allow it to be time-released, and only in smaller, more manageable amounts. Expect their anger to surface periodically, and give them plenty of time to work through it so they can eventually let go of it. Understand that until they’ve worked through and exhausted their anger, they cannot heal.

WAITING: The initial struggle is waning, but their zest for life has not returned. They are in limbo, they are exhausted and uncertain. Indeed, life seems flat and uninteresting. They are unenthused about socializing, perhaps reluctant, and they are unable to plan activities for themselves. Help them by finding ways to stimulate them. Plan activities for them around things that hold their interest and bring joy back into their life.

EMOTIONS IN CONFLICT: This is one of the most difficult manifestations because there is so much going on at the same time and their feelings do not always synchronize with reality. The most succinct description was provided by the late Shirley Glass, PhD: “One of the ironies of healing from infidelity is that the perpetrator must become the healer. This means that betrayed partners are vulnerable because the person they are most likely to turn to in times of trouble is precisely the source of their danger.” The inherent conflict for a betrayed spouse is obvious, but Dr. Glass also recognized how difficult this balancing act can be for a repentant adulterer: “On the other hand, [unfaithful] partners sometimes find it hard to stay engaged with their spouses when they know they are the source of such intense pain.” The key, of course, is to stay engaged nonetheless. Be supportive and remorseful, and above all… keep talking.

TRIGGERS: Particular dates, places, items and activities can bring back their pain as intensely as ever. It feels like they’re caught in a loop as they relive the trauma. It is emotionally debilitating.

Triggers can cause days and nights of depression, renew anger, and can spark and reignite nightmares, which may make them fear sleeping. Triggers can cause them to question if they will ever again experience life without the anguish. Get rid of all the reminders immediately: Gifts, letters, pictures, cards, emails, clothing… whatever your spouse associates with your affair. Do this with your spouse so they are not left wondering when those triggers may recur. Never cling to anything that bothers your partner. It leaves the impression that your keepsakes and mementos, or any reminders of your affair, are more important to you than they are.

Attend to your partner. Learn what dates, songs, places, etc., are triggers for your partner. Pay attention to your environment: If you hear or see something that you think might be a trigger, assume it is. Each occasion a trigger arises is an appropriate moment for you to communicate a clear and heartfelt message that you’re sorry you acted so selfishly and caused this recurring pain. So again, apologize and let them know how much you love them. The occurrence of a trigger is also a good opportunity to express that you choose them and not your affair partner, which is important for them to hear. If a trigger occurs in public, you can still wrap your arm around your spouse’s waist or shoulder, or simply squeeze their hand, but verbalize your apology as soon as you are alone again.

It is very important for you to understand and remember this… Triggers can remain active for their entire life. Don’t ever think or insist that enough time has passed that they should be “over it” because another sad truth of infidelity is: Your affair will remain a permanent memory for them, subject to involuntary recall at any time – even decades later. They will NEVER be “over it.” They simply learn to deal with it better as they heal, as you earn back their trust, and as you rebuild your relationship – over time.

SECTION 2 - WHAT ELSE CAN YOU DO TO EASE THEIR PAIN & RELIEVE THEIR STRESS?

Make certain you’ve killed the beast: Your affair must be over, in all respects, completely and forever. You cannot put your marriage in jeopardy ever again. Your spouse has given you a second chance that you probably don’t deserve. That may sound harsh, but think about it this way: Despite any marital problems the two of you experienced, you would certainly understand if they divorced you solely because of your adultery. So assume there will not be a third chance and behave accordingly.

This opportunity you have been bestowed is a monumental gift, particularly considering the anguish you caused them. Treat this gift, and your spouse, with care and due respect: No contact means NO CONTACT OF ANY KIND – EVER.

GET INTO THERAPY: Most attempts to heal and rebuild after infidelity will fail without the assistance of a qualified therapist. Make certain you both feel comfortable with the therapist. You must trust them and have faith in their methodology. Talk about it: If of you are uncomfortable with your therapist at any time, don’t delay – find another. And if need be, yet another. Then stick with it. Save particularly volatile topics for counselling sessions. Your therapist will provide a neutral place and safe means to discuss these subjects constructively. Every so often, think back to where you were two or three months earlier. Compare that to where you are now and determine if you’re making progress. Progress will be made slowly, not daily or even weekly, so do not perform daily or weekly evaluations. Make the comparative periods long enough to allow a “moderate-term” review rather than “short-term.” Expect setbacks or even restarts, and again… stick with it.

APOLOGIZE: Actually, that should read: “Apologize, apologize, apologize.” You cannot apologize too often, but you can apologize improperly. Apologize genuinely and fully. Betrayed spouses develop a finely calibrated “insincerity radar.” A partial or disingenuous apology will feel meaningless, condescending or even insulting, particularly during the months following discovery. Your spouse will feel better if you don’t merely say, “I’m sorry.” To a betrayed spouse that sounds and feels empty. Try to continue and complete the apology by saying everything that’s now salient to your partner: “I’m ashamed I cheated on you and I’m so very sorry. I know that my lying and deceiving you has hurt you enormously. I deeply want to earn back your trust – and I want so much for you to be able, some day, to forgive me.” As noted earlier, right now genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit.

REALIZE YOUR PARTNER WANTS TO FEEL BETTER: There is so much they have to deal with – pain, anger, disappointment, confusion and despair. Their being, their world, is swirling in a black hole of negative feelings. It’s agonizing. They wish it would stop, but they feel powerless to make it go away, which worries them even more. Remember that they can’t help it: Just as they didn’t choose for this to happen, they don’t choose to feel this way. Beyond all the possible feelings described in the section above (and that list may be incomplete in your spouse’s case), even if they don’t understand them, they do recognize that changes are occurring in themselves – and they are frightened by them. As terrible as it is for you to see their ongoing nightmare, it is far worse to live in it. Periodically assure them that you know they will get better, that you are willing to do everything necessary for them to heal and to make your marriage work. Reassure them that you are with them for the duration – no matter how long it takes – and that you intend to spend the rest of your life with them.

HIDE NOTHING, OPEN EVERYTHING: While they’re greatly angered and hurt that you were emotionally and/or sexually involved with another person, they are even more devastated by your secret life, your lies and deception. They feel no trust in you right now – and they’re 100% justified. If ever there was someone in the world they felt they could trust, it was you – until now. Now, they have difficulty believing anything you say. They are driven to check up on everything. Let them. Better still, help them. Overload them with access. The era of “covering your tracks” must end and be supplanted by total and voluntary transparency.

You must dismantle and remove every vestige of secrecy. Offer your spouse the passwords to your email accounts – yes, even the secret one they still don’t know about. Let them bring in the mail. If you receive a letter, card or email from your paramour, let your spouse open it. If you receive a voice or text message on your cell phone, let them retrieve it and delete it. If your friends provided alibis for you, end those friendships. Do not change your phone bill to a less detailed version or delete your browser history. Provide your spouse with your credit card bills, bank account statements, cell phone bills and anything else you think they might wish to check. Immediately tell them if you hear from or accidentally run into your affair partner. Tell them where you are going, when you’ll be home, and be on time. If your plans change, notify them immediately.

The more willing you are to be transparent, the more honesty and openness they see and feel, the more “trust chits” you’ll earn. Replacing your previously secret life with complete openness is the fastest and most effective way to promote trust, even if it feels unfair or uncomfortable. Think of this as the “reverse image” of your affair: Your affair was about you selfishly making yourself feel good. Now, rebuilding trust is about selflessly making your partner feel safe with you – and you were certainly unfair to them. Keep in mind that eventually they will trust you again, but you must earn it and it will take time.

SPEND LOTS TIME WITH THEM: Assume that they want your company at all times. The more time you spend in their sight, the more they will feel a sense of safety, if only for that time. There may be times when you feel they’re a constant, perhaps even an annoying presence. Just remember that they need to be around you – more than ever. If they need time alone, they’ll let you know and you must respect that, too. Knowing where you are and who you are with reduces worry, but expect them to check up on you. Don’t take offence when this happens. Instead, welcome the opportunity: Think of each time – and each success – as receiving a check mark in the “Passed the Test” column. The more check marks you earn, the closer you are to being trusted again.

PHYSICAL CONTACT: They may or may not want to be sexual with you. If not, allow sufficient time for them to get comfortable with the idea of renewed intimacy and let them set the pace. But if so, don’t be discouraged if the sex is not optimum. They’re likely to be low on confidence and may feel self-conscious or inept. They may even act clumsily. This can be offset by lots of simple, soothing physical gestures such as hugging them, stroking them softly and providing kisses. You might try surprising them sexually. Try something new. Choose moments when they don’t expect it – it can feel fresh again. On the other hand, don’t be surprised if their sexual appetite and arousal is unusually heightened as some partners experience what’s called ‘Hysterical Bonding.’ Also be aware that during lovemaking they may suffer intrusive thoughts or mental images of you and your affair partner, so they may suddenly shut down or even burst into tears. Again, apologize for making them feel this way. Express that you choose them – and not your affair partner. Reassure them by emphasizing that they are the only one you truly want.

SHARE YOUR FEELINGS OF GUILT AND SHAME: If you exhibit no shame or guilt for hurting them, they’ll wonder if you’re truly capable of being sensitive, caring or even feeling. They may see you as callous and self-absorbed, and question if it’s really worth another try with you. But if you’re like most people who have badly hurt someone you truly love, then you certainly feel shame and guilt, though verbalizing it may be hard for you. Of course, some people do find it difficult to express these feelings, but try. You’ll find it provides a great sense of relief to share this with your partner. Moreover, do not fail to realize is how vitally important it is for your partner to hear it, to feel it, to see it in your eyes. It’s a building block in the reconstruction of trust and the repair of your marriage. Do not underestimate the power of satisfying their need to know that you are disappointed in yourself. Your opening up about this will help them feel secure again, help them to heal, and help you heal, too.

LET THEM KNOW YOU ARE HAPPY WITH YOUR CHOICE TO RECOMMIT: You probably think this is obvious, but to your betrayed partner, precious little is obvious anymore. They will wonder about this. Do not make them guess, and do not make them ask. Just tell them. If it doesn’t seem to come naturally at first, it may help if every now and then, you ask yourself, “If they had betrayed me this way, would I still be here?” (Most of us would answer, “No,” even if we can’t imagine being in that position.) When people give second chances to others, they really want to know that it’s meaningful to, and appreciated by, the recipient. So, express your thanks. Tell them how grateful you are for the opportunity to repair the damage you’ve done and rebuild your marriage. You’ll be surprised how much this simple, heartfelt act of gratitude will mean to them, and how it helps to re-establish the bond between you.

HERE’S A GREAT TIP: You will find it’s particularly meaningful to them when they’re obviously feeling low, but they’re locked in silence and aren’t expressing it to you. Just imagine… In their moments of unspoken loneliness or despair, you walk up to them, hug them and say, “I just want you to know how grateful I am that you’re giving me a second chance. Thank you so much. I love you more than ever for this. I’ve been feeling so ashamed of what I did and how much pain I caused you. I want you to know that I’ll never do anything to hurt you like this – ever again. I know I broke your heart and it torments me. I want you to know your heart is safe with me again.”

These are beautifully comforting words, particularly when they’re delivered at such a perfect
moment. You can memorize the quote, modify it, or use your own words, whatever is most
comfortable for you. The key is to include, in no particular order, all six of these components:

A statement of gratitude.

An expression of your love.

An acknowledgment of your spouse’s pain.

An admission that you caused their pain.

An expression of your sense of shame.

A promise that it will never happen again

Unfaithful spouses I’ve counselled often report that this most welcome surprise is the best thing they did to lift their partner’s spirits – as well as their own.

SECTION 3 - SO WHAT ARE THE NEXT STAGES, AFTER THEY WORK THROUGH ALL THEIR GRIEF, PAIN AND STRESS?

HOPE: They believe they will get better. They still have good days and bad days, but the good days out balance the bad. Sometimes they can work effectively, enjoy activities and really care
for others.

COMMITMENT: They know they have a choice. Life won’t be the same, but they decide to actively begin building a new life.

SEEKING: They take initiative, renewing their involvement with former friends and activities. They
begin exploring new involvements.

PEACE: They feel able to accept the affair and its repercussions, and face their own future.

LIFE OPENS UP: Life has value and meaning again. They can enjoy, appreciate, and anticipate events. They are willing to let the rest of their life be all it can be. They can more easily seek and find joy.

FORGIVENESS: While the memory will never leave them, the burden they’ve been carrying from your betrayal is lifted. Given what you have done, the pain it caused them and the anguish they lived through, this is the ultimate gift they can bestow. They give it not only to you, but to themselves. Be grateful for this gift – and cherish it always.

Rejoice in your renewed commitment to spend your lives together in happiness. Celebrate it together regularly! 
__________________


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

cpacan said:


> Wonder if there has ever been an infidelity case with no trickle truth...? :scratchhead:


It's pretty rare to get Full Disclosure on DDay. I know I didn't full disclosure on my DDay. I have read a story, not sure which forum, where the WS did give full disclosure on confrontation, but that was because the BS was on the forum prior to DDay before confrontation. That BS was able to investigate prior to DDay and gather enough evidence that his WW wasn't able to TT.


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## rd1011 (Jan 17, 2012)

Another thing that I have not seen in any of the posts (and BTW you have received some excellent advice) is that you need to prepare yourself emotionally and cognitively to be ready to end the mge if you see that she is unwilliing to work hard to regain your trust. Believe me she will know it intuitively if you are unwilling to end it. And furthermore, selfish people like her will see this as a weakness and use it against you.
Good Luck!


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Blindsided, you have gotten some great advice and perspective already. I want to add something a bit different.

You are in a crazy time right now. Nothing makes sense, and everything you thought you knew is either destroyed or uncertain. You love your wife and you value your marriage and your family.

So your natural inclination is to believe what she says. Your natural inclination is to be positive and kind. You are trying to avoid divorce. That is all ok, but be smart. Use the knowledge on this forum and elsewhere to learn how to effectively work towards an outcome you can live with. You're going to have to be tough and smart, not just react instinctively.

Just know that this is a process you are in. The next 6 months are going to be a complete roller coaster ride. This is not going to be resolved in a few weeks.

You need to get into individual therapy and marriage therapy. You need a good solid outlet, and a safe place to discuss things either alone or with your wife.

Additionally, you deserve the full truth about everything. Don't ask questions you don't want answers to. Do you really want to know the nitty gritty details of what they did? Some men do need this, others don't. But you do deserve the full truth of when and where they met, and what they did in general (sex, oral, kiss, saying ILY).

Seriously consider requiring your wife take a polygraph. It may be too soon for you to pull that trigger, but it is something you might need in order to get full disclosure.

For now, protect yourself medically with a full STD test. Protect yourself legally by consulting with an atty to see what the legal landscape is in your location. Take responsibility to be sure your wife does not get pregnant by you.

Get lots of exercise, eat healthy, and avoid the bad stuff like excessive alcohol, tobacco, Rx meds.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Blind - of course she clams up - she doesn't want you to know the fulll extent OR quite possibly how they are still connecting.

Get her to a polygraph fast in addition to the consequences I wrote about before.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

And Blindsided

She is not just cheating on you she is cheating your marriage and family.

She needs consequences or she is going to do it again.

Where the hell does she find time with 4 kids and a husband to do this.

Also she can't go out with her friends anymore if they enable the married lady to hookup, have the ons, turn it into an A.

Some friends she has!

Get tough and fast.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

I think she is a serial cheater caught once, 
If you go for repair without any consequences, she will do it again on next night out. She got the taste of bigger jimmy's. So ONS turned into an affair.

Did she know the gravity of her cheating on you and your marriage, IMO No.Let she understand that first.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Buy yourself a few VARs (voice activated recorder) and plant them around the house and one in the car. You'll know sooner or later what's she's doing.

Currently, she's in a defensive/survival mode. In front of you, she's putting on a good front, saying and doing things you want.

Deep down, her desires for her lover(s) or extramarital sex do not disappear instantaneously.


When you're out of town, that's probably the best time for her to play. Do you really know if she hadn't more than one other lover?

You may consider having your kids tested for paternity. The test is cheap, about $100.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

happyman64 said:


> Where the hell does she find time with 4 kids and a husband to do this.


The fact that she could means she most likely have cheated before.


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## spudster (Jan 11, 2012)

All the prior posts are good advice. Heed what you read. 

IMO, you should file. Smack her upside the head (figuratively) with the Divorce papers and drag her to the brink of the abyss. Let her teeter there for a while. You can always call off the divorce before the date of decree. 

Hire the nastiest, meanest lawyer you can find and inform her you are going to file for sole custody of the kids. When she begs and cries, demand that she sit down and tell you everything, and I mean everything about every man she has ever stepped out on you with. Tell her you have heard through the grapevine that this was not her first affair (lie to her) and that you are having the lawyer investigate her past. Tell her if she discloses everything you might think of calling off the divorce and you might settle on joint custody, but if you suspect she is still holding back you will dredge up everything she has done and throw it out on the lawn for everyone she knows to gawk at. 

I have no problem with this kind of extortion.

Having the DNA tests done on the kids is not a bad idea either.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

spudster said:


> Tell her if she discloses everything you might think of calling off the divorce and you might settle on joint custody, but if you suspect she is still holding back you will dredge up everything she has done and throw it out on the lawn for everyone she knows to gawk at.
> 
> I have no problem with this kind of extortion.


The trouble with this kind of manipulation is, that WS will not feel safe telling the truth and therefore lying is a natural and very human reaction.


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## rd1011 (Jan 17, 2012)

cpacan said:


> The trouble with this kind of manipulation is, that WS will not feel safe telling the truth and therefore lying is a natural and very human reaction.


I agree, take the high road. Keep your integrity intact.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

rd1011 said:


> I agree, take the high road. Keep your integrity intact.


Are you 2 kidding,feeling safe? What about her husband?

No you really wanna reconcile ,loose this attitude of place demand´
and trying to negotiate .


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