# Lies



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

In light of my recent marital situation, I have been thinking a TON about lies and the damage that occurs from them...even if the person apologizes, admits to them, etc.

My husband is a liar. Despite his reasoning for them (to keep out of trouble, to not hurt my feelings, to avoid the real issue), I cannot forget these lies.

I search myself wondering if anything could EVER work out between us and it always comes back to the lies. 

The first time he left, I was sympathetic. I listened to him and took notes on his needs and wants. I was fine at that time (in the sense that my needs and wants were being met) so I figured I could step up because I knew I was being a shrew...this much I admitted. He said he never wanted to get married, he didn't love me, etc, etc...I thoguht it was just his pain talking.

Fast forward 2 years and again, the same speech. Although THIS TIME, i have been working on myself for 2 years. Setting boundaries, knowing myself, getting in touch with my core and finding my center. His words THIS TIME didn't cut at deeply, but I got to thinking---- Maybe I didn't truly let my guard down when he moved back in....even though I thought i have.

I do not trust him. He says things...he does things....and I always smile, wondering the motive behind them. His words don't reach me anymore...as I have learned to deflect them.

I am so sick of liars. My father was a good one. The men I've been with have all been liars. "I love you!" one day and the next "I just said that to make you happy." 

And the SNEAKINESS! omg. Lying about how much something costs, lying about how much he's drinking (hiding beer in the garage, etc)....

Dear god.

So...i truly don't believe a liar KNOWS the damage the lies do...for whatever reason.

I didn't really believe how IMPORTANT trust is to a relationship UNTIL NOW.

That's why it's dead. That's why I cannot give it another chance. I know myself. I know my boundaries. I KNOW that I could never trust him again and that is NOT a marriage.

I dunno. Just thoughts. I hate this feeling of distrust. Not just for HIM but for most people at this time. What is crazy is that I truly FELT LOVED by him so I never really cared about the words that he'd say. Until now. I dunno...just a mind eff for me.

ALWAYS speak your truth. the Truth stings, but it doesn't cut NEARLY AS DEEP as a godam lie. I don't care WHAT the reason is behind the lie.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> ALWAYS speak your truth. the Truth stings, but it doesn't cut NEARLY AS DEEP as a godam lie. I don't care WHAT the reason is behind the lie.


I can't stand liars. I totally feel you on this. Good luck to you.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I'm sorry you're going through this, TG. I'm with you on how damaging lies can be, and I have little patience for them these days, even though I've finally come to accept that it's a part of life and I have to deal appropriately with them when they enter mine. 

One thing really concerns me about your own role, though... You said you truly felt loved by someone who says he didn't love you and never wanted to get married. That people like him and your father tell you lies "to keep you happy" and "to protect you." 

What makes these people think you're going to be miserable and weak if you know the truth? Also, is it possible that you simply ignore or don't see it when they try to let you know? I know that I've often had trouble perceiving "hints" from other people. I had to really learn how to see what was NOT being said by literally asking myself that question after every serious conversation - with strangers, even! 

The good part of learning to see what's not being said is that I can make better decisions and manage my relationships with others better. The bad part of it is that I have come to recognize that everyone is untrustworthy to some degree, and few are trustworthy enough for me to want them in my life.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

I wanted to chime in here.

I watched your posts over the past couple years. A lot of them.

To have gone from where you were to where you are must have been...uhm.. quite a journey, and a painful one. I dont know the story, but having big assumptions about life overturned or revealed must be disasterous.

What I do know is that you can get back to a healthy place and get back a positive outlook and not immediately assume the worst. You cant control other people.

But. You need to trust. Other people. Life. Yourself.

'Eff that', you are thinking.

Its going to take time. Let it. Once you process everything it will happen and your ability to trust will come back. You seem to have a pretty decent self evaluator on your shoulders but dont wallow in it. Easier said than done, I know.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Even though I completely agree that trust is an important and valuable part of a relationship, I *HATE* the way people talk about it!

Yes, we all need to trust, but when I led group counseling sessions, one of the sessions was devoted to this topic. I started off by asking people what trust is, and about 90% of them had definitions that left them vulnerable to problems in the lives stemming from their beliefs on trust. (These were patients with drug and alcohol problems and so this statistic isn't representative of people in a general sense.)


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

I totally agree there. By trust I dont mean blind Pollyanna acceptance. What I mean is that you cant live a happy life by erecting too many walls either - and that can happen more quickly than many realize.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

You took 'notes'?

Ugh.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Yes, I took notes. That's sort of necessary to maintaining patient's files...


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

KathyBatesel said:


> I have come to recognize that everyone is untrustworthy to some degree


:iagree:

Only God is completely trustworthy.

But Jesus didn’t entrust his life to them. He knew all people inside and out, knew *how untrustworthy* they were. He didn’t need any help in seeing right through them. John 2:24 (MSG)​


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

laugh. No..sorry.. That_Girl says she took notes on his needs and wants...


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Blonde said:


> :iagree:
> Only God is completely trustworthy.


Really? Dont get me started.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

anotherguy said:


> Really? Dont get me started.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

anotherguy said:


> laugh. No..sorry.. That_Girl says she took notes on his needs and wants...


I didn't take literal notes 

I just listened to him. I am and was a kick ass wife. I love that role as well. I do. 

And Yea, I think there was a point in my life where I was weak, etc. But the past two years, I have really worked on myself and am strong. I KNOW I ignored signs. I just went by what he told me because my therapist said my suspicion could be remnants of my anxiety, etc. So I stopped trusting my gut. HA! Never again will I do that. Nope. 

I am not thinking "eff that" lol. On the contrary. I am not upset while writing, just getting stuff out there. Sick of the lies. I do have a handful of people whom I trust with everything. We've gone through Hell and back and STILL we love and adore each other (friends)...I've been honest with them and they with me and even though it was HARD, there was still TRUTH. No lies. I trust them. 

And sorry, i don't believe in "God". So...that point is moot with me. I do believe in energy and the Universe so I do trust that my path is right where it's supposed to be. I trust that I am making the right decisions.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Blonde said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Only God is completely trustworthy.
> 
> But Jesus didn’t entrust his life to them. He knew all people inside and out, knew *how untrustworthy* they were. He didn’t need any help in seeing right through them. John 2:24 (MSG)​


Uh. No offense but please leave God out of my threads. Thanks.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

I don't think you have anything to worry about. I have read so many of your threads and posts and I remember thinking what you did in your self-improvement was great. I was really impressed. It must have been hard to look at yourself like that so critically and actually listen to what he was telling you.

Thing is, you did a good, trusting thing. You didn't do anything you shouldn't have and did everything you should have. What he did was completely on him. I don't know what your husband was thinking. Was it possible he believed what he was saying at the time? I think maybe he wanted it but realised he couldn't keep up with it IYSWIM. 

Separate yourself from the lies and understand it has everything to do with HIM, not YOU. I think it's a natural phase of what has happened and eventually you will come out the other side and find that trust in someone else.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Although honest people do appear to be in short supply in this world today....they are still out there...I think many are the types we silently overlook in society...working in our Soup kitchens or Volunteering , those who live for other people...and they feel privileged somehow. They cause very little attention unto themselves. 

I have very little tolerance for those who attempt to deceive ...sometimes when I talk to people , if something sounds "too good to be true"... or I question it in any way (due to past character -whatever)...I will even ask if they are "Joshing me" and to just give it to me straight... I've had some back track and admit they were stretching the truth. 

People are funny, often they want to impress, for whatever reason... to not look bad, to not be boring, to just make the story funnier, or the worst.. to get away with something they know they did wrong. 

And like you That girl... I'd take someone who can respect me enough to Just BE what they are, express how they TRULY feel... we can all handle this ...with some TACT of course...we know the difference... There just isn't any reason to LIE . It is the easy way out, cowardly in fact. 

Too much of this in your life... one after another...it will slash your belief in others - they will all seem ugly... but it's not true, no matter how it may seem. Be careful who you surround yourself with in life, this can make all the difference. 









Honesty ~ Billy Joel - YouTube












> If you search for tenderness
> it isn't hard to find.
> You can have the love you need to live.
> But if you look for truthfulness
> ...


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## curious2 (Jan 13, 2013)

that_girl said:


> In light of my recent marital situation, I have been thinking a TON about lies and the damage that occurs from them...even if the person apologizes, admits to them, etc.
> 
> *My husband is a liar. Despite his reasoning for them (to keep out of trouble, to not hurt my feelings, to avoid the real issue), I cannot forget these lies.*
> I search myself wondering if anything could EVER work out between us and it always comes back to the lies.
> ...


I, like you have deep trust issues but for me, my mother was the liar...possibly a pathalogical one atleast at one point when I was a teenager.She still lies alot but not bizarre stuff she used to tell. I still have a hard time believing someone will tell me the truth because of the very same reasons. Sometomes I think why bother asking just observe and see. Problem is you can make some bad assumptions especially when you are looking for lies.

I too am impressed with your note taking and efforts with your husband. You have done the work and what seems to be a good job at exploring your own issues and worked on them. Unfortunatly he didnt. He is not trustworthy but some people are. We just have to find and recognize them. At least, thats what I keep telling myself.
Nobody can fault you. You will be better off regardless of what happens with this relationship.


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## curious2 (Jan 13, 2013)

that_girl said:


> I didn't take literal notes
> 
> I just listened to him. I am and was a kick ass wife. I love that role as well. I do.
> 
> ...


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Sorry TG. keep your chin up.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

I too remember yours posts when he moved back in and how they have changed over time since then. You were indeed a kick azz wife! But have you considered that the person to whom he was lying the most was himself? I don't know if this is true or not but some people really can't be honest with themselves and they end up hurting others as a result.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Oh I believe that. I do NOT think he lied to hurt me. I don't think that was his plan AT ALL.

He's not a bad guy. Just broken.


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## Lonely&ConfusedMe (Jan 26, 2013)

that_girl said:


> Oh I believe that. I do NOT think he lied to hurt me. I don't think that was his plan AT ALL.
> 
> He's not a bad guy. Just broken.


TG... I like that so much. "He's not a bad guy, just broken".

That sums it up I think. My wife has lied so many times... it's a real problem. I don't really blame her though. She was brought up by a mother who utilized fear to establish discipline, and the little girl who became my wife, learned to obfuscate and deceive her way through her childhood. Even today she is dishonest with her mother about so many different things. The problems that have resulted in our relationship are a sad by-product of a mean and emotionally abusive parenting style imposed upon her at a young age. 

I disagree with what a few posted in this thread about liars. I do believe whole-heartedly that people who lie can change, and can turn themselves into truthful people with work. I spent a lot of years as an addict, and I lied to everyone about everything... and I can now say without an ounce of hesitation, that I am truthful about everything, at all times. It's not a trait I'm willing to compromise on. Anyone can change, and people can be redeemed if they want it, and we give them the chance to redeem themselves. 

We often times think of liars as people who choose to deceive, and there are plenty of those types of people around... but there are just as many people who are dishonest as a result of learned, almost-"survival" tendencies developed in abusive childhoods. You can't paint everyone with the same brush, and everyone deserves a second chance.


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