# I think I may be having an emotional affair



## Sunshine_and_Rain (Jul 28, 2010)

I had posted a few weeks back about some concerns I have with my marriage. Since then I have been thinking a lot about my relationship with my husband as well as with other people around me. I think I might already be having an emotional affair on my husband that I was not previously aware of. I do not know if the man I have so emotionally invested myself in has anything feels beyond friendship for me. If you had asked me yesterday I would have said no for sure however I was reading past text message conversations I have recently had with him and something about them just feels to close to just be friends. On my end I never thought of anything unusual about our friendship, I make no attempt to hide my marriage from him. Recently though I have noticed when I talk about him (which is a lot) I try and make it sound like he is a female friend to make our actions more appropriate. I know my marriage is a bit a mess right now but I don't know how this happened. The idea of ending my friendship with him really upsets me though he is my best friend and I don't know how I would make it through the week without him. I am so screwed up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Are you sharing things with him that you shouldn't, turning to him for support that should come from your husband? Intimacy is about more than sex. I have this idea of a marriage being a very small circle in which husband and wife reside. Anything that should remain inside that circle but goes outside is wrong and anything that should remain outside the circle but comes in is wrong.


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## Sunshine_and_Rain (Jul 28, 2010)

It seems like I talk to him a lot more than my husband. I always thought of it ask running my ideas and feeling by a friend before talking with my husband about it. When I thunk about making a major change in my life I talk to my friend first, see what he thinks. If hr thought it was a good idea I will talk with my husband about it. _Posted via Mobile Device_
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

When you married your husband, you stood before your family and friends and made promises to him. You may not have said the standard USA civil vows, but somewhere in there was the promise to be with your husband through ALL the circumstances that life throws at you, and that you'd forsake all others for him (your husband). You owe him 100% of your affection and loyalty. 

Based just on what you've written here, I'd say your affection and loyalty are split between your "friend" and your husband at best...and you're probably more loyal to your friend than your husband right now. When you run your ideas and feeling by your friend...those are what you should be running past your husband. When you are gonna make a major life change...that is what you should be running past your husband. HE is the one who should be your best friend and confidant like that, not your "friend." 

Soooooo...rather than scold you I'm going to give you a golden opportunity here. This is the time to tell your friend that you need him to be a TRUE friend and end all contact with you, because you've been using him as a crutch when you should have been working things out with your husband. You will probably need to turn off your phone and delete your email and start a new one, and from now on I want you to show your husband every single email and text until you feel closer to him. You'll experience the pain of withdrawal and loss, but it is for the good of your marriage and future family, and it is so you can look yourself in the eye in the mirror and say, "I honored my vows!" 

You know what you need to do. I encourage you to do the right thing and end it tonight. I'll even be here if you want to talk. How's that for TRUE friendship?


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## foldedleaf (Aug 22, 2010)

If you arent having an EA now then you are well on your way. It sounds like you are in the beginning stage to it becoming more serious. I just ended an EA. Like you, I started questioning things and by then it was difficult to control my feelings. I know he is your friend but I would suggest limiting the texts and phone calls significantly and talking to your husband more. I actually told my husband about my EA and so far so good....it may have saved my marriage. We engage more and we are in counseling. I have been fortunate in that he didnt leave me and I ended the EA. Stop before it's too late. I still struggle with keeping the OM out of thoughts.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

On 9/11, my wife thought it literally was the end of the world. Of all the people on earth, she immediately called me. Anything great or really bad happens, and my wife is the first person I want to share it with. I think if someone else was in that loop, we both would be missing something special.


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## Seeker (Sep 1, 2010)

Don't wonder any more, you ARE having an EA. I'm trying to dig myself out of a 2-year one & save my marriage. The clue here is calling him your best friend & saying you don't know how you'd get through the week without him. There's a reason most married people don't have friends of the opposite sex. It's too slippery a slope.


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## Sunshine_and_Rain (Jul 28, 2010)

I have been thinking about what everyone here has said. I just keeping going back to wondering why I can't do what makes me happy. I just don't think I deserve to be miserable.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

You *can* choose to do what makes you happy, but the difference is that word "choose." 

You made a vow to your husband to forsake all others for him (paraphrasing), and I like to think of it like a business contract. Your side of the contract was: "I promise to take you in all the ups and downs of life, to give 100% of my affection and loyalty to you, as well as being the mother of our children, contributing to income and/or the care of the home. In exchange you offer me the security of a home for our family, a contribution to income or to care of the home and family, and you give to me 100% of your affection and loyalty." See how it's a contract and each partner in the contract has both benefits and responsibilities?

Right now you are *choosing *to break your contract and *choosing *to ignore the responsibilities of the contract because you say you want the benefits. Well you could just as easily *choose *to honor the contract, *choose *to get the benefits from your marriage (the one place where it's due), and *choose *to honor your responsibilities! 

So it is all about *choice*. You can *choose *to be happy at home... with your husband. You can *choose *to be his best friend, spend time with him, and have fun with him--thereby honoring your vows (contract) and giving your children a secure, loving home. Or you can *choose *to continue to do the wrong thing, break the contract, destroy your life and his life and your families' lives and your parents and his parents....all the while justifying it because it "makes you happy." 

Well...happiness is a *choice*. It's not something that happens to us nor is it something that our partner "makes us feel." So now the question is clear (and easy): are you going to *choose *to be happy with the one man you made a promise to? or are you going to *choose *to continue justifying what you know is wrong? Sunshine_and_Rain, seriously I care about you and I encourage you to do the right thing! *You can do it!*


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## Sunshine_and_Rain (Jul 28, 2010)

I posted this here because I wanted people to be very honest with me, and I really appreciate that everyone has been. A lot of the stuff that people here have said has really hurt me, but I think that is what I wanted.

I do not want to cheat on my husband, I know that is a wrong thing. But at the same time I feel my marriage is not making me happy. Currently I am admittedly in a very selfish mindset, I just want to do what makes me happy. For years of my life I have tried so hard to make others happy with me, I honestly think that is the only reason I got married to begin with. I just feel like this is my one life to live and I should just do what makes it the most enjoyable. 

For someone who does not know me I guess that sounds pretty crazy. I used to be a very religious person (catholic) but now I really don't know. This relationship with my husband and its deterioration just seems to be about so much more to me. I am not expecting sympathy on this forum, that I why I choose to post here. I understand that I am the hurt causing spouse, it sickens me a bit.


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## yogachick (Aug 9, 2010)

..."I used to be a very religious person (catholic) but now I really don't know. This relationship with my husband and its deterioration just seems to be about so much more to me."...

Hmmm, in the midst of my husbands EA with a MUCH younger woman he told me he was no longer a Christian (Catholic) but a Buddhist (yet he knew nothing about Buddhism). I guess you are at some kind of Crossroad or Turning Point in your life.....I'm thinking just don't throw the baby out with the bathwater....or maybe...be careful what you wish for! Think about this very carefully.....I wish you all the best <3


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Nobody makes you happy. That's your job. Happiness doesn't just naturally occur but is just another choice. You can look around for things to love or to despise about your life or in others. Contentment is a precious thing. You will get out of your marriage what you put into it. You can be married to a wonderful guy or to a pitiful loser and you largely get to decide which one your guy will be. You really can't compare a husband with some guy you talk to.
One bears the weight of responsibility and the other doesn't. One creates work for you and the other is a nice diversion. You actually do depend on one and only think you depend on the other.
Five years from now, your EA will be history, moving on with his own real life. Play your cards wisely and you may still have the same boring, loyal, dependable, often aggravating husband. Play them really well and he may be still tenderly holding your hand when you're 90 even though you can't remember his name. 
There are millions of interesting, nice looking guys in the world. Very few have the devotion necessary to be your partner for life.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Sunshine_and_Rain said:


> I have been thinking about what everyone here has said. I just keeping going back to wondering why I can't do what makes me happy. I just don't think I deserve to be miserable.


Hard one! I would say be careful if you guys actually see each other alot due to work etc and if you are purposely seeing each other to talk that is a definite red flag.


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## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

Sunshine_and_Rain said:


> I posted this here because I wanted people to be very honest with me, and I really appreciate that everyone has been. A lot of the stuff that people here have said has really hurt me, but I think that is what I wanted.
> 
> I do not want to cheat on my husband, I know that is a wrong thing. But at the same time I feel my marriage is not making me happy. Currently I am admittedly in a very selfish mindset, I just want to do what makes me happy. For years of my life I have tried so hard to make others happy with me, I honestly think that is the only reason I got married to begin with. I just feel like this is my one life to live and I should just do what makes it the most enjoyable.
> 
> For someone who does not know me I guess that sounds pretty crazy. I used to be a very religious person (catholic) but now I really don't know. This relationship with my husband and its deterioration just seems to be about so much more to me. I am not expecting sympathy on this forum, that I why I choose to post here. I understand that I am the hurt causing spouse, it sickens me a bit.


well if you think your marriage can't make you happy & you can make your one life enjoyable only with your friend , then there is a proper way of doing that . First leave your husband & then think about pursuing emotionl affair or whatever you want with your friend .


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

well it sounds like to me that you have already made up your mind on this issue. in that case you need to be upfront with your husband (it is only fair) so he can make some informed decisions about his life. Why should he continue to be put on hold just because you do not know what you want? Let him go so he can find someone that is willing to put forth a much better effort even when the marriage is on the down side.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

I agree you have crossed the line even though you are living through the affair fog thinking, you are involved with someone else besides your husband and this is not right since you have a marriage vow with him........
Tell him what is going on so he can decide for himself what he wants, you seem to have this right......
Then decide who is more important to you and what your future will be..........
You can't have both and this is not fair to your husband, you clearly don't know what it is to honor your word to him, it's simple you are chosing this............
I agree since you seem to want someone else, leave your husband and just know this is what you wanted and except the consquences of that decision.........
Why cause your husband the pain you read on this site just because you have lost your way or can't be the person he expects you to be...........
After you are on your own, you can pursue whom ever you like.....without hurting him


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Sunshine_and_Rain said:


> The idea of ending my friendship with him really upsets me though he is my best friend and I don't know how I would make it through the week without him. I am so screwed up.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If you are feeling this way then this is definitely not a friendship, its a relationship. While your marriage may be having difficulties, dollars to dough-nuts, this relationship is making it worse. You are living another relationship vicariously through another man and until you end it your marriage will not improve. He understands you, he gets you, he's so nice......he's a fantasy. End it and focus on your marriage and husband.

OBTW, my marriage survived my wife's EA and we tried to fix things while she was still involved. The marriage never really improved until she ended it.


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## Seeker (Sep 1, 2010)

Sunshine, I SO understand everything you're saying. There's no easy answer. I'm here to tell you, though, that trying to keep your marriage and an EA going at the same time is a recipe for disaster. If you're like I was, it won't stop you from trying. It's taken me 2 years to be able to TRY to let go of the EA so I can focus on my marriage, which is falling apart. I wasn't happy, either, OBVIOUSLY. But circumstances have changed, my husband & I are both trying to change...I doubt I'll ever have stars in my eyes for my H or have the thrill of the online relationship I had, but right now I'm enjoying the peace of not feeling guilty 24/7.


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