# The ups and downs



## stillhoping (Aug 27, 2012)

My D was final last May after 28 married years, I did not want it and still don't. I have done some dating, I love my job and my grown kids, but for some reason I am back in a bad slump. I know it was probably the holidays, upcoming V day and birthdays. Plus, I was trying to be "friends" or at least be ok in the exH's company, so I was texting him friendly things and saw him for coffee, etc. And as usual, all the hoping came rushing back. The truth is, and I know this, he is not at all interested. He is making a life for himself. The one I always wanted us to have, unfortunately. And its killing me. Trust me, I have great friends, I am planning another great vacation with them to Europe, a beautiful home, fabulous family and kids...but no partner, and especially, not the partner I want. I know all the stuff in my head about moving on, its just that I didn't expect all this sadness again, I thought I was past it. Back to counseling this week for sure! Hope you are all well


----------



## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I guess it's fortunate that I couldn't care less about seeing my Ex. I go through cycles of my own, though. Sorry you're in a slump. If you have no business reason to contact him, just don't. No need to be friendly - only polite for the sake of the children.


----------



## Luonnotar (Aug 2, 2012)

I can so relate! I came here today because I'm in another total down slump. I feel so empty and desperate. 
Hang in there. They promise me it gets better. And some days it is...


----------



## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

They say you feel better if you eat right and get plenty of rest.. Sadly, the two things that were upset the most throughout the recovery days...
Its been a year and a few months for me since divorce. 
Certain things make me miss and regret not having that "awesome" relationship I wanted. but I dont miss the ex.


----------



## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Yesterday I spent a couple of hours with my STBXH. I had to go to the courthouse to file the Acknowledgment of Service and basically that starts the ball rolling on the divorce proceedings. He wanted to ask some questions about things and needed to get some forms so I suggested that he take a ride with me out to the courthouse and save himself some gas money. 

Well, that was a mistake. A few hours later he had irritated me to the point that I was ready to kick him out of the car. He has to be the most arrogant, self righteous and sanctimonious person on this planet. 

I guess it's a good thing to get a kick in the butt to remind me of why it is I'm divorcing him.


----------



## stillhoping (Aug 27, 2012)

I have had to spend some time with my exH lately and it just serves to frustrate me. We get along just fine, actually seems like we enjoy each other's company. Then he goes and acts like a perfect jerk. It just wears me out. I do ok, even good, for a long time, then blah. I was hoping that by this time I would be doing great, I'm tired of being sad


----------



## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

When my STBXH is a jerk it doesn't make me sad, it makes me GLAD that I'm going to be rid of him! :smthumbup:

It depends on whether you look at a glass as being half empty or half full.


----------



## stillhoping (Aug 27, 2012)

Ok, Freak, you are right, I am only making my own glass empty with all this. There are so many reasons its a good thing, I missed out on so much in that marriage, not that I didn't let that happen, but there is something great out there waiting for me and the more time I mess around wishing and hoping for something from the ex, the less I am available for whatever that might be. Time to fill up the glass! Thanks for the boot in the @ss


----------



## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

No problem. Whenever you want a kick in butt just let me know. I'm good at it. I have Harley Davidson biker boots just for that purpose. 

I wasted 24 years in a failed marriage but I figure I still got the same amount of time ahead of me to have fun and it wasn't ALL bad. I got two great kids out of that marriage.:smthumbup:


----------



## stillhoping (Aug 27, 2012)

Your kick in the butt made my whole weekend more enjoyable, I am dating a nice man who thinks I am cute, sexy and adorable. And I was letting my ex drag me away from all the great things in my life, and truthfully, he sucked me dry for almost 30 years. Enough.


----------



## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

You're dating someone when you aren't over your ex husband? :scratchhead:

Personally, I don't think that's a great idea but it's your call.


----------



## stillhoping (Aug 27, 2012)

I worried about that too, but the truth is, he was someone I knew long ago, who came into my life as quite a surprise and I have been right up front about what is going on for me with my ex. There is no way my ex is coming back, and I see the progress with moving away from him most days. And I might never be "over" my ex anyway


----------



## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

stillhoping said:


> I have had to spend some time with my exH lately and it just serves to frustrate me. We get along just fine, actually seems like we enjoy each other's company. Then he goes and acts like a perfect jerk. It just wears me out. I do ok, even good, for a long time, then blah. I was hoping that by this time I would be doing great, I'm tired of being sad


This is how I’m feeling to a T......I’m so tired of the emotional rollercoaster. That’s the reason I’m divorcing him after all, yet here I go with regrets and longings of what could have been, what should have been and the loss of my best friend. I know he manipulated me, abused me and yet I have such a sadness at letting go of the dream of something better with him. I still think a lot of my worry is fear of the unknown. You said you have a house, money. My circumstances will be quite a bit different and my quality of life is a huge concern for me... just too much to worry about and think about.. I can’t do it some days.


----------



## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

doureallycare2 said:


> This is how I’m feeling to a T......I’m so tired of the emotional rollercoaster. That’s the reason I’m divorcing him after all, yet here I go with regrets and longings of what could have been, what should have been and the loss of my best friend. I know he manipulated me, abused me and yet I have such a sadness at letting go of the dream of something better with him. I still think a lot of my worry is fear of the unknown. You said you have a house, money. My circumstances will be quite a bit different and my quality of life is a huge concern for me... just too much to worry about and think about.. I can’t do it some days.


dyrc2 -- This is the perfect thing to use as a way to get your mind away from your ex. You are concerned about your quality of life -- put your efforts into doing what you can to make it the best you can. I'm guessing finances are an issue (they are for most of us). If you will only be able to afford 2nd hand furniture, teach yourself to reupholster things or refinishing. Gives you a new skill, something to occupy your time, and you'll have something for your new place. Maybe that exact thing doesn't apply to you, but that's an example. Get creative about how to make your new life yours and something you can enjoy. I and a lot of people I know volunteer for events like community theater, music or film festivals, etc., not just for things to do and a chance to meet people, but also because you get in to see performances, etc. for free. No need to do without everything if money is tight.

Once you start building your own life, you'll miss him and 'what could have been' less and less. Think about it: he was manipulative and abusive -- just what is it that 'would' have been? Certainly not what you were hoping for. It would have been the rest of your life in increasing abuse and manipulation. AND if he was like that, he was NOT your best friend. You are saving your life by getting away from him. He is not who you wanted him to be. 

Keep reminding yourself of all the awful things until it pushes your longings and fantasies about him out of your head. 

And turn yourself away from his darkness and towards the sun. You will someday wonder why you wasted so much time missing him.


----------

