# I messed up so bad I don't know where to post this...



## mach0927 (Jul 6, 2012)

Male, 38, married 13 years with 3 kids. 

I have really messed up my marriage. First let me say that as of today I still love my wife and want to save our marriage. However I am also coming to grips that getting a 'D' might be the best choice for both of us. I will explain. Please do share your advice if you care to. 

*Here is the quick summary of what started this:*

Two years ago I fell in love with another woman. We both told our spouses within a week. I still loved my wife but was so lonely and hurt that I honestly did not see these emotions coming. The fact that I was under enormous pressure and stress for many years did not help. I also suffer from anxiety and panic attacks once every two years.

I knew the right thing was to fight through my feelings and get my heart back home. During this time (8 months) there was physical contact between myself and the other woman limited to kissing only. Yes still a mistake.

*How I REALLY made things worse*

So somewhere along the line I get the idea of being polyamorous which is basically an open marriage where you are free to have a meaningful relationship with another person. Yes that means physical too. My wife is at first totally against this but I push the issue because I still have feelings for this other person and she is pushing me.

Well one day I am finally honest with my wife about the kissing. First she is upset and after a few weeks she decides to have a relationship with the woman's husband. THIS for some reason wakes me up from these emotions I have been having and literally most of what I felt for this other woman was replaced with an urgency of fixing my marriage. Throughout all this time my wife and him got close while they tried to figure out what to do about us. 

So now I am kind of cornered. I created a lose/lose situation. I DID NOT want to share my wife. If I asked her to stop she would be angry with me. If I continued I would suffer. I had no way out and thought the best way to save my marriage was to give this a try. 

Long story short I wasn't very attracted to the other woman and over time her overbearing personality wore me down to the point that I lost all feelings for her. During this time I was totally beaten down. Knowing my wife was physically with another man was too much. I was told the truth which hurt like nothing else.

*Here is just a sample of what the TRUTH was:*

I have no feelings for you; I am not attracted to you; He is bigger than you; they are more compatible both sexually and emotionally; I am in love with him; He makes me orgasm on top; Her and I are totally incompatible sexually. This is just some of the hurt I was put through. 

*Where we stand today*

We are going to marriage counseling and I stopped the open arrangment. It's not helping much. We are both confused as to what marriage is supposed to be. Are we really incompatible? Do we stay together for the kids? Doesn't all sex suck when it's with the same person for 20 years? Do we put our needs for happiness before our kids?

She wants to stay no matter what. She does not want to separate for the kids. I am torn. I have nothing more than a roommate. Nothing in 2 years has changed. I've given so much through work, being a husband & father and loving her but I still get nothing back in return. She told me tonight she is not attracted to me. She doesn't need sex but maybe once a year. I on the other hand am really attracted to her. 

Maybe this is just too far gone. Is it too selfish to feel love back? Is this the way it's supposed to be?

Appreciate any thoughts.


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## mach0927 (Jul 6, 2012)

I know she does not want to have a broken family. I know this much. I know she is very confused. I think she would like to have a relationship with me but doesn't know how. 

I have let go of everything accept wanting to have a relationship other than a roommate. I think every spouse deserves this much regardless. 

Thanks for your reply.


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## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

I really don't want to be mean..but you asked for it.

Good marriage..great wife..kids. How could you ask for more?? Yet you decided to take that all for granted while you looked for every excuse in the book..ie...polygamy (only legal in Utah!!).

Again, Polygamy is a little different than an open marriage so call a spade a spade!! Your wife didn't want it but YOU did and went on your merry way..fooling around..taking your wife for granted..and thinking that you had the world by the tail..

Unfortunately it turned against you as you never EVER thought that the woman's husband and your wife would find comfort in each other and start fooling around too..

The bottom line is..you THOUGHT you loved the woman you were fooling around with..UNTIL you found out that your wife was messing around with her husband. All of a sudden you get a rude awakening in your heart and realize that it's your WIFE that you love in the first place??

Seriously!!

It's now that you realize that you really DON'T love this other woman since your wife fooling around with her hubby has made you more than a little jealous??

HELLO???!

I can't even think of the hearts broken in this three rink circus as if you've told the woman you were fooling around with that you've realized that you love your wife and not her...she goes back to her hubby..he tells your wife that he's no longer in love with her..etc.

I can only guess where this three ring circus could go...

All I can say is that you are a very VERY lucky man if your wife agrees to go through marital counseling with you as I would have told you to take a short walk off a long bridge a LOOONG time ago!!


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

I've been married 25 years and the sex has only gotten better. You guys both forgot how to love each other. You've forgotten how to romance your wife. Think back to when you were dating. Ask her what it was that first attracted her to you. Think about what first attracted you to your wife. Find those two people and start over. Your marriage as you know it is dead. Bury it. But maybe you guys can create a new marriage. It can be done if you are both willing.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

memyselfandi said:


> I really don't want to be mean..but you asked for it.
> 
> Good marriage..great wife..kids. How could you ask for more?? Yet you decided to take that all for granted while you looked for every excuse in the book..ie...polygamy (only legal in Utah!!).
> 
> ...


Polygamy is not legal anywhere and he was not in a polygamous relationship.


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## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

RClawson said:


> Polygamy is not legal anywhere and he was not in a polygamous relationship.


i think he meant polyamorous relationship. those are legal


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I really, really want to take a few shots at you, but I won't. I will point out, however, that jealousy and love are mutually exclusive--if you really love someone, you would want your wife to be really happy, even if it means to be happy without you. You would give her that choice and let HER decide. Think about it.

You will need to start individual counseling (both of you) as well as marriage counseling to start unraveling the damage and building a marriage. Don't delay; start yourself and see if she'll do it too. 

If she has lost all physical attraction to you, it may be impossible to recover. But that's an unknown, so try to work together to get it back. Good luck.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You made your bed, now you may have to sleep in it

Has she cut off ALL contact, with her sex partner, who I guess she has fallen in love with

Contact with him, must stop

As to the 2 of you---if she is willing to stay---somehow, you have to get the passion back, that was there when you 1st met her, dated, were wild about each other-----go back, and start that dating process over, go out dancing, go on dates, go out to dinner, take her to sporting events, send her flowers----re-create the time, when you first met, and were sweeping her off her feet

It may be to late, she may be in love with this other guy---you forced her into a relationship, where 2 helpless partners, were being cheated on, allegedly with permission, they were miserable, and in their misery they bonded, and fell in love

Sad to say, you play with fire, you get burned----you had a good mge., and just couldn't be satisfied. Hopefully you won't be roomates forever, but that may very well be the way this ends.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

You gave your wife away? Two years since you say? 

You never thought she'd find something better, after you told her you found love else where. She'll never have respect for you again. 

It's done, finished, finito, get over it. You don't turn her on anymore. Your fault...you really effed up..you didn't think this one out.... Did you? 

And noooo, sex doesn't suck after 20 years. It only sucks if your eff up your marriage. 

Sorry to be so harsh. I've got no other answers for you. I'm sure your in pain, but you need some serious help. You don't seem to have the capacity to understand the consequences of your bad decisions.


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## mach0927 (Jul 6, 2012)

First thank you for all your opinions. Let me clarify some things.


Our marriage was total crap before this. Neither of us was happy for many reasons. We were roommates and nothing more for about five years. I tried to do everything I could back then to make our marriage better and she would have not of it. Since this started she has admitted many things she did wrong as well. We were both at fault. 

I have no excuse but when I look back I see the causes. I had no relationship with her. I was under enormous pressure at work and suffering from anxiety and depression due to all this. Marriage is a two way street and I tried!!! I communicated. I romanced her to amazing ends. 

To CLARIFY my wife is NOT like many women. She does not like romance. She does not like affection. It was this way since I met her. Don't ask me why I stayed so long. What she does want is service. House chores etc. I do the best I can but with a demanding job I simply don't have the time. 

Polaymory is based on the idea that you can love more than one person. This was not a circus going back and forth saying I love you one day then not the next.

I KNOW I messed up. I am trying to do the right thing and fix things. I went off the deep end and instead of doing what most people do and UP and LEAVE I wanted to get through this from day one. Believe me I do my own share of beating myself up about it. This is a mistake I have to take to my grave. However one mistake does not make a person. I have done many things right in my life and most for her and my family. I am staying positive and believe things happen for a reason. 

I understand the consequences of my actions. I am doing the right thing by putting my family first and trying to fix things. If this doesn't work then I have learned many lessons and will be a better person from this. 

I hope this clarifies things. I deserve whatever comes my way to some extent but it takes two for a marriage to fall apart. I did not simply have a happy marriage and then a one night stand.


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## Couleur (Apr 4, 2012)

OK -- you both screwed up -- now it's time to regroup.


You say that your wife wants to stay in your marriage for the kids sake, no matter what. This is a good thing because it means that you have a shot at reinventing your marriage. But your old marriage is over, and your job now is to figure out what the new relationship will be like. 

I don't think that the two of you an heal/ move forward/ model good parenting to your kids if either of you is involved with a 3rd person. So, I think you need to sit down with wife and say that she must stop all contact with the OM. Similarly, you have to commit to 1) no sexual contact with another woman, 2) no EA with another woman. Without those ground rules, the only way I see this working is to become cohabiting co-parents but to effectively split your finances, lives, etc. 

To build a new relationship you will need to spend time with your wife one-on-one and you will need to spend time as a family with your kids. It will be awkward and unpleasant at times, but if you don't things won't improve.

If you wife is willing to work on things, I would suggest that you both read some books on marriage -- could be His Needs, Her Needs or John Gottman's book Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. 

What would concern me is that your wife has checked out of your marriage completely and is counting down the days until your kids are out of the house. So, you'll need to gauge her willingness to work things out with you. If it's been 2 years since your wife had the security of thinking that you two were in a secure relationship, it will take at least that long to truly heal things.


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## mach0927 (Jul 6, 2012)

Thanks Couleur. Well said. I never thought about the "re-inventing" our marriage part. I agree this is a strong approach. I will certainly run this by my counselor. 

Yes we both have stopped all physical contact with the other two people. We do chat occasionally if we run into each other. At this point I cannot make demands of her. I just ask her to focus on fixing our relationship and hope she makes the right choice.


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## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

mach0927 said:


> Thanks Couleur. Well said. I never thought about the "re-inventing" our marriage part. I agree this is a strong approach. I will certainly run this by my counselor.
> 
> Yes we both have stopped all physical contact with the other two people. We do chat occasionally if we run into each other. At this point I cannot make demands of her. I just ask her to focus on fixing our relationship and hope she makes the right choice.


I bet your wife does like romance, you just have not found HER idea of it. Sometimes it takes a LOT of work and sometimes us women are overwhelmed at the generosity of your time and effort, we do not know how to respond, and that may come off to you as "not liking" romance, when in reality, we love it, but have never been treated SO good before, so we do not know how to respond.


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## DiZ (May 15, 2012)

mach0927 said:


> First thank you for all your opinions. Let me clarify some things.
> 
> 
> Our marriage was total crap before this. Neither of us was happy for many reasons. We were roommates and nothing more for about five years. I tried to do everything I could back then to make our marriage better and she would have not of it. Since this started she has admitted many things she did wrong as well. We were both at fault.
> ...


Every woman likes romance. You just have not found her buttons.


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## mach0927 (Jul 6, 2012)

*This romance and women thing. I need help with this.* Since I was younger I have always been a romantic. I have done amazing special things for her so many times. I've been told that I am amazing at it by other women who know what I do (my wife might share sometimes). Yet it never seems to have any effect. I get the coldest "thanks" and nothing else. It like giving a gift to someone and they put it in the corner and don't unwrap it. 

Is it possible that I overdo it? Is it possible that I am too into her that it's a turn off? Also physically. I am very turned on by her. My attraction has grown not faded. Could this also be a problem? I don't understand. I have given so much to her. I've been so into her. Is it possible this made me more of a father figure. 

She also lost her father when we were in our mid twenties and it hit her very hard. I am almost 100% certain this caused problems.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Have you straight out asked her what you can do? 

Take her out, get her undivided attention and ask her. Let her know that you'll do whatever she asks, just tell you. You have to know where to start.


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## mach0927 (Jul 6, 2012)

I have done this. Her reply is usually "I'm not romantic". She will tell me to not buy flowers, she doesn't like surprises. Doesnt like holding hands.  

OR she will say that doing the dishes, laundry, etc. will do it. which just makes me feel like used.

** UPDATE **
Ok so I was going to spend the next 3 night out of the house. Next week I travel the entire week. I was thinking a mini-separation / time apart would help. My wife called me this afternoon and asked if I wanted to go out tonight with her. I suppose this is a good sign.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

mach0927 said:


> I have done this. Her reply is usually "I'm not romantic". She will tell me to not buy flowers, she doesn't like surprises. Doesnt like holding hands.
> 
> OR she will say that doing the dishes, laundry, etc. will do it. which just makes me feel like used.


If her love language is acts of service, then you've given her exactly what she needs by doing laundry etc. It may not be romantic for you, but to her it makes her feel warm and fuzzy. Not gifts.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Mach,

You probably will not like what follows. Most of the ladies probably won't like it either. It's a stink bomb, but it's a true stink bomb. I will preface it with this truism: "Most men are attracted to most women, but most women are not attracted to most men." 

What this means in practice is that most women "settle" on the best man they feel they can get, even though they aren't truly sexually attracted to the man they eventually marry. They can learn to love their man in a fraternal way, like a brother or roommate or father of their children, but they never truly get cranked erotically. Worse than that, most of the minority of women who start out in an erotic relationship with the husband will lose that with the onset of the "7 year itch."



mach0927 said:


> Two years ago I fell in love with another woman...I still loved my wife but was so lonely and hurt that I honestly did not see these emotions coming...
> 
> I knew the right thing was to fight through my feelings and get my heart back home. During this time (8 months) there was physical contact between myself and the other woman limited to kissing only. Yes still a mistake...So somewhere along the line I get the idea of being polyamorous which is basically an open marriage...
> 
> she is upset and after a few weeks she decides to have a relationship with the woman's husband. THIS for some reason wakes me up from these emotions I have been having and literally most of what I felt for this other woman was replaced with an urgency of fixing my marriage. Throughout all this time my wife and him got close while they tried to figure out what to do about us.


You got jealous because its a natural response, very fundamental, when a man is planting his semen in your woman. Raising OM's kid is anathema to men everywhere. Most men. See the book "Sperm Wars."




mach0927 said:


> So now I am kind of cornered. I created a lose/lose situation. I DID NOT want to share my wife. If I asked her to stop she would be angry with me. If I continued I would suffer. I had no way out and thought the best way to save my marriage was to give this a try...


By hatching this idea or going along with it, you reduced any slight attraction which your wife may have had for you, even lower. If a man is attractive enough to a woman, she'll stand by her man, even to the point of doing sexual things she would never do even with her husband. She will even allow her man other women, even if she's not to happy about it. It's the power of attraction. This is why if you're alpha enough, you can have children by your supermodel girlfriend (Linda Evangelista) and your movie star wife (Salma Hayek) will get pregnant right away to one up your girlfriend, no problem. That guy in the example does not share his wife, but he has other women all the same. It's not the Puritan marriage model of the English speaking world, to say the least, but it is in tune with hind brain female attraction. 

Being willing to allow another man to bang your wife, proves to your wife that you are no alpha male, you're an omega (the lowest) male. She doesn't have to actual rationalize this, although she probably did, it's instinctive.



mach0927 said:


> *Here is just a sample of what the TRUTH was:*
> 
> I have no feelings for you; I am not attracted to you; He is bigger than you; they are more compatible both sexually and emotionally; I am in love with him; He makes me orgasm on top; Her and I are totally incompatible sexually. This is just some of the hurt I was put through....


That's the difference in real sexual attraction and what she has for you, which was settling for a "beta-provider" husband (you). It's your job to work hard for her material goods and to raise her kids. Sexually, your wife thinks her hand is better in the sack than you are, because she can think about having sex with a gangbang of faceless strangers in her imagination (a top female fantasy) and that's better than sex with you.

Also note that you allowed your wife to experience all the crack-like rush of having sex with a new guy, which is addictive and why you'll have to monitor your wife like the NSA for a few years, I'm sure they probably didn't use a rubber. No rubber means your wife can absorb, vaginally and sublingually, all kinds of wonderful mood elevating chemistry found in his semen. Two kinds of high from one trip to the sack. Your wife may miss that and seek it elsewhere without your knowledge.



mach0927 said:


> Doesn't all sex suck when it's with the same person for 20 years?


It does if you don't have the game to hold her attraction.



mach0927 said:


> Do we put our needs for happiness before our kids?


Depends on your value system and the level of provocation.



mach0927 said:


> She wants to stay no matter what. She does not want to separate for the kids. I am torn. I have nothing more than a roommate. Nothing in 2 years has changed...She told me tonight she is not attracted to me. She doesn't need sex but maybe once a year.


In the two years of banging OM she made enough masturbatory memories to carry her through for a couple more years. And no, she's never been attracted to you since she started the five year dry spell before you started your affair and open marriage.



mach0927 said:


> I on the other hand am really attracted to her.


In this, you are like most men and she is like most women. You've just made it 1000X worse by allowing a another guy into your toybox.



mach0927 said:


> Our marriage was total crap before this. Neither of us was happy for many reasons. We were roommates and nothing more...





Because she was not sexually attracted to you.



mach0927 said:


> [*]I have no excuse but when I look back I see the causes. I had no relationship with her. I was under enormous pressure at work and suffering from anxiety and depression due to all this. Marriage is a two way street and I tried!!! I communicated. I romanced her to amazing ends.


You're a beta provider to her. A worker drone. Of course, she's not going to be interested in romance with you.




mach0927 said:


> [*]To CLARIFY my wife is NOT like many women. She does not like romance. She does not like affection. It was this way since I met her...


Read the above.



mach0927 said:


> *This romance and women thing. I need help with this.* Since I was younger I have always been a romantic...
> ...Is it possible this made me more of a father figure.


Here's a dirty secret: "romance" and "courting" and "courtly love" all started in the middle ages as a ritualized form of adultery conducted at court, whereby knights would try to win the "favor" of higher ranking married ladies. None of it had anything to do with marriage, aside from the adultery factor. Your wife got plenty of this from her OM, but when you do it it's creepy. You are essentially a man in a marriage of economic convenience and child bearing/rearing, just like those cuckolded husbands in the middle ages.

You need to start learning about sexual attraction and how to build it. There is a slight chance your wife is not a lost cause, since she may have been faithful (questionable) before you put another man in her.

Read this book "Married Man Sex Life Primer". Read the blog at the same link as well. Also, check out this blog, it's unvarnished so be psychologically prepared. Start with the "Sixteen Commandments" and the other links at the top.

What's the waist size on your jeans?


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## mach0927 (Jul 6, 2012)

Machiavelli

Damn your explanations seem spot on. You wouldn't read the seduction section on reddit would you? Sure sounds like it. 

The question then becomes:

Is is possible for her to be attracted to me? Hell is it possible for any wife to have that attraction for their husband?

Women are illogical. Give them the world you get relegated to slavery. Don't and they get attracted to you. Eh I've seen this. Man treats woman like **** and gets more sex than I can dream of. 

By the way I am size 34 waist and looks very much younger. Plenty of hair on head mostly hairless back and chest. Also dress very well.


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## occasionallybaffled (Apr 12, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> If her love language is acts of service, then you've given her exactly what she needs by doing laundry etc. It may not be romantic for you, but to her it makes her feel warm and fuzzy. Not gifts.



:iagree: I think A Bit Much is referring to 5 love languages. It's a book I've been reading with my SO. It's really helped us in the romance department. It talks about love as a gas tank. Some love tanks need diesel while others need gas. My SO needs laundry, cooking, cleaning etc. This makes her feel loved. I need affirmations (I love you. Good job etc.) We have different ways we feel loved. Your wife might need to fill her tank differently than you do to feel loved. It sounds like the tank has been empty for a while because you have been trying to fill it with the wrong thing. I would get the book or ask your therapist(s) about it to see if it could help with the romance/love part.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

mach0927 said:


> Machiavelli
> 
> Damn your explanations seem spot on. You wouldn't read the seduction section on reddit would you? Sure sounds like it.


No, but these are concepts that people have been working on for a long time. There are quite a few blogs devoted to what makes women tick. I've been trying to figure them out for 55 years.



mach0927 said:


> The question then becomes:
> 
> Is is possible for her to be attracted to me? Hell is it possible for any wife to have that attraction for their husband?


My wife wasn't attracted to me for quite a few years. This changed about 6 months ago and now she's much more into me. A lot of it has to do with getting my 25 year old physique back and all the attention I get from other women. This is a restoration of the status quo at the time we met. 



mach0927 said:


> Women are illogical. Give them the world you get relegated to slavery. Don't and they get attracted to you. Eh I've seen this. Man treats woman like **** and gets more sex than I can dream of.


Seen it all my life. Nothing new under the sun.




mach0927 said:


> By the way I am size 34 waist and looks very much younger. Plenty of hair on head mostly hairless back and chest. Also dress very well.


Good. You've saved yourself much grief and trouble by not turning porker. You're way ahead of the game.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

mach0927 said:


> At this point I cannot make demands of her. I just ask her to focus on fixing our relationship and hope she makes the right choice.


You screwed up, yeah, but when the two of you decided to stop seeing others and focus on your relationship, you did not give up your right to be half of the relationship. 

You know the way you felt when you learned about her and the guy? That's what you did TO her, and you can't say that it was a tit-for-tat the way hers was. After you told her, and while she was going through those crazy, horrible feelings, instead of responding with empathy, you pushed the issue and said you wanted her to accept the other woman as an ongoing presence. It's no wonder she's had the responses you've seen. 

I see two possibilities. One has already been mentioned - that she's counting down the days until your children are grown and gone. The other is that she's saying she doesn't love you and isn't attracted to you because of feeling betrayed and hurt, and wanting to hurt you just as badly. 

If you think she's biding her time, it may help to talk in depth about the effects that a divorce has on grown children. It can still be quite traumatic. You could also remind her that an affectionate, supportive relationship between the two of you will be the best gift you can give your children - a model for loving relationships. As it is, you're teaching them how NOT to achieve that. 

Actually, I'll say that those discussions are important even if she's striking out because of hurt and does still love you. 

Either way, though, if she won't give 100% buy-in to rebuilding your relationship, you're better off severing ties. And that is where I come back to your point about not making demands. You have to be able to determine if she's honestly rebuilding the relationship, which may mean making some (reasonable) demands. You're on even footing now - you've both done each other wrong and owe it to yourselves and your children to make it right.


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## mach0927 (Jul 6, 2012)

Yes we both read the love languages book. Just confirmed we were really different. Ok so we have made it work for 20 years so it can still work. 

My wife is a good hearted women. She wants to do the best she can. I think I just introduced her to what could be considered a drug. I changed her way of thinking. So it will take time for us to adjust. 

I might even be open to other open marriage choices in the future. I keep an open mind. However our first try was not for me. 

Thanks so much for the replies. I will continue to speak with her. I plan on getting in mega shape!! Hopefully at some point I can help here feel attracted to me. I will learn more of what make her ticks. I want to treat her like a queen but I expect something back in return. 

I believe marriage CAN be good long term if you put the effort into it.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

mach0927 said:


> I think I just introduced her to what could be considered a drug. I changed her way of thinking. So it will take time for us to adjust.


Considered? Dopamine, norepinephrine, et al. You put her on crack. 



mach0927 said:


> I might even be open to other open marriage choices in the future. I keep an open mind. However our first try was not for me.


Learn from your mistake. If you go down that road, it will happen again. Maybe it will be guy #46, but it _*will *_happen. some guy is going to have just the right tool to hit her G-spot a certain way, or just the right semen chemistry. If the guy's willing, your wife will be gone. It's a common story in the so-called "lifestyle."


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Machiavelli said:


> Considered? Dopamine, norepinephrine, et al. You put her on crack.
> 
> 
> 
> Learn from your mistake. If you go down that road, it will happen again. Maybe it will be guy #46, but it _*will *_happen. some guy is going to have just the right tool to hit her G-spot a certain way, or just the right semen chemistry. If the guy's willing, your wife will be gone. It's a common story in the so-called "lifestyle."


Whether it's man #46 or man #2 here is what will happen with the whole open marriage thing. You two will find a man that lights her fire, that makes her feel sexual. They will have amazing sex and she will thank you profusely for it. They will spend a lot of time together but just sex initially. They will spend longer amounts of time cuddling afterwards, talking and getting to know one another. 

Soon they will start dating, some of these dates will not even involve sex because they enjoy being with one another. She will know that you are okay with them as long as it's just sex but not the emotional thing so she will hide this from you. They will become closer and closer emotionally. He will begin to tell her he loves her. He will tell her he would never share here with another man, that she's too special to share. That if he had his way she would be his and his alone. She will eat that up. Then she will give you the ILYBINILWY speach and move out. She will fill for divorce and live with or maybe even marry the OM.

Sound far fetched? It's not. It has happened. I tell you this because it sounds like you will consider open marriage again in the future. Open marriage truly is an oxymoron. Why be married at all if you are going to have sex with others?


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## OneLoveXo (Jun 5, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> If her love language is acts of service, then you've given her exactly what she needs by doing laundry etc. It may not be romantic for you, but to her it makes her feel warm and fuzzy. Not gifts.


I have to agree with this. As much as I love flowers, helping with laundry/dishes/cleaning goes a long way to show just how much my bf loves me. Once in rare while he will do dishes or at least tidy up, and it makes me very happy.


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## davidpetu (Jan 11, 2013)

Where there is life, there is hope, so I can tell you that there is definitely hope in your marriage since there is still life in it.

How do I start? Human beings, that's what! We are animals living with instincts and free will, hence, very unpredictable. Contrary to those knocking you off on here, I will not do that because that is the last thing you need right now. You have done that to yourself enough for anyone else to add more to it.

Yes, you messed up. Agreed! Questions is, where do you go from here? I can guarantee you that most of those beating you down have no idea what a good man you can really be with the right help.

I will advice you to start working on yourself immediately by seeking professional help. Once you sort yourself out and begin to discover the good side of life, even your wife will notice the good man she grew to know.

Good luck and God bless you!


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Mach,

Your post is so true it is scary.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Mach hasn't responded since July of last year. Can't really imagine his situation went well.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

sandc said:


> Whether it's man #46 or man #2 here is what will happen with the whole open marriage thing. You two will find a man that lights her fire, that makes her feel sexual. They will have amazing sex and she will thank you profusely for it. They will spend a lot of time together but just sex initially. They will spend longer amounts of time cuddling afterwards, talking and getting to know one another.
> 
> Soon they will start dating, some of these dates will not even involve sex because they enjoy being with one another. She will know that you are okay with them as long as it's just sex but not the emotional thing so she will hide this from you. They will become closer and closer emotionally. He will begin to tell her he loves her. *He will tell her he would never share here with another man, that she's too special to share. That if he had his way she would be his and his alone. She will eat that up. * Then she will give you the ILYBINILWY speach and move out. She will fill for divorce and live with or maybe even marry the OM.
> 
> Sound far fetched? It's not. It has happened. I tell you this because it sounds like you will consider open marriage again in the future. Open marriage truly is an oxymoron. Why be married at all if you are going to have sex with others?


SandDC has _definitely_ known some swingers. 

SandDC, sorry I didn't see this and complement you on this back when you posted it. Every guy thinking about swinging needs to see this post.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

He should teach a class. So many things he said here ring true in my own relationship it's not even funny.


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