# I don't want him to touch me anymore



## Shano

I don't know where to begin to tell the story. I will start with how we meet. 

We were friends first. He was close friends with a few of my relatives and we ended up doing a lot of the same things together. It seemed normal that we talked and somewhere developed a personal relationship.

He is 16 years older than me and has 4 kids, by his ex-wife or one of his past fiances. A lot of what he showed in front of me was this sweet, caring, man who took care of his family/kids. He had me thinking he was raising these kids on his own (at least the 3 boys, one fiancee ran off to another country with his daughter). 

That aside from his ex-wife and this other fiancee there really wasn't any important women in his life sexually. He worked hard and supported his kids. 

I was a virgin before him. We talked about getting married the week I moved in with him. He asked me. Except he never wanted to get a marriage license and we became romantic. I had never really thought I'd have sex before marriage and here I was, feeling like a *****. 

I got pregnant after living with him for about 4 months and miscarried. I was devastated. I thought it was God punishing me for having sex before marriage. He was still saying "next month on such and such day" we will get married. 

The days came and went. He never once even went to the court house to get the paperwork. He ended up losing his job and got his 401k early and had over 25k thousand dollars. He spent it on everything except a wedding ring. He even gave his ex-wife a lot of money (she doesn't take care of the kids, they live with him, and she didn't spend the money on the kids either). 

I find out about other women, mainly the fiancee who had his daughter. I didn't know about either of them until after living with him for a while. I asked, did he get her an engagement ring? He was like yes. I was like, did you have a date with her? he was like yes.

I was hurt beyond what I can type here. I stayed with him and thought about leaving this relationship. I thought about it a few times, each time it came and went. I just didn't know what was up. He seemed to love me. We were really romantic together before the first miscarriage. Then after it, a few months we didn't do anything. 

I had dr orders to avoid it for a certain amount of time. And the other part of me that said no and avoided it was because we weren't married and I didn't want to upset God further. 

I was still upset over all of the supposed wedding plans. I had told co-workers we were getting married, etc. For it to not happen. I just got to the point I was like, once I save enough money I'm going to move out and be done with this. I can't take it anymore. I don't think he really loves me. If he did he would have held true to some promises and actually married me. I'd have a ring on my finger like his other fiancee.

We then had sex one time. I apparently got pregnant from it again and it never occurred to me that I was even pregnant until he suspected it. And got the tests. 

This pregnancy has stuck but its been one with its own problems. I've bleed off and on and gone through so many miscarriage scares I think the dr's at the hospital know me by name. It feels like it. I've been on and off bed rest. 

I lost my job because I called in sick 1 time cause I was at the ER. 

He finally got me a ring. I was a little upset it wasn't even a real diamond. I'm not materialistic. But after waiting so long and him being able to buy EXPENSIVE rings for his ex-wife, his ex-fiance, etc. I thought maybe I would be a little important to get at least a diamond chip. EX-boyfriends of mine have bought me diamond earrings, bracelets, necklaces, etc worth much more than this for my birthday or other holidays.

Wouldn't a husband be able to put out a little something for a ring I'd be wearing for the rest of my life with him? He went out and spent 1,000 dollars for a school trip for his son. How much would 200 dollars or 300 dollars really put him out for at least something sparkling on the band? I mean even after he spent over 25,000 dollars in a matter of months!

I tried not to be upset about the ring. I was really happy he did at least get me a ring.

We got married the following month. It wasn't anything like we had talked about at all. I know he isn't religious. He didn't want a church. He already did that with his ex-wife. But I did want to at least do something a little special for us. Like maybe get married at the nature park we first meet at or something. It wouldn't have cost much. Had someone that could marry us for less than 100 dollars. And we had talked about doing a BBQ/picnic like reception with extended family. 

But we didn't do that. We got married before a judge.

My pregnancy (I'm still pregnant) has been hard. I've had severe morning sickness from the start. I've lost weight. I'm tired. I'm sore. 

None of his other women were ever this way when pregnant. I know, he tells me often enough. His first wife cheated on him and had a few pregnancies by other men who he thought were his.

So he's been through this a lot. He also said she never took care of the kids (would leave them in ****ty diapers while he worked a full day shift and have him clean them when he got home), etc. His other fiancee didn't work either. And he expects me to work (the Dr gave me the release to go back to work part-time, with stipulations). 


I don't get him off sexually anymore. He tells me that often enough. I was trying to give him a handjob cause he wanted one.. and I didn't even have my hand on him for more than 2 minutes before he pushed me away because I wasn't doing it right. 

He's the only partner I've ever had. I've done what he showed me to do.. and what he said he likes. I don't give as good of blow jobs as so and so (another woman added to the list of ex-fiances.. I think she was number 2 or 3).

I'm 7 months pregnant and starting to show for real. I'm not as attractive as I was when we first got together. I don't turn him on. Porn does. 

I can't ever get him to touch me the few and rare times he get sin the mood (after he was looking at porn). Its usually me getting him stimulated and ready, then he mounts me, cums, and its done. It hurts. I don't get off. I'm not really in the mood anymore. 

I've begged him countless times to at least get me wet and ready before he does something. He rarely does. Or if he does its a few seconds and "your ready".

His brother lives with us and constantly tells me I'm not wanted or needed in the house. I feel like I don't belong here. He doesn't work and occupies a spot in the livingroom from the time he gets out of the bathroom till the time he goes to bed. He doesn't clean, he doesn't clean up after himself, hes a pig. He's rude and has nothing nice to say to me. 

Yesterday, I was in the car with two of his relatives. They were talking about his ex-fiancee, one he never mentioned before, and how she had all sorts of problems with his live in brother. She had a nervous break down and left. 

I can sympathize with her cause if she went through half of what I have, I can understand it. She had a place to go to, I don't. If I did, I don't think I'd be here or would have gotten married.

I even thought about saying no once he finally got me the ring and gave another date. The only reason I said yes was because I was pregnant and had no where else to go.

My husband would at least say things to his brother on behalf of his ex-fiance. But he can't on behalf of his wife. I was literally told I couldn't watch TV downstairs when my brother in law is taking a 2 hour **** in the bathroom and no one else is downstairs.

But hearing about once again... another woman in his past life upset me. A lot. He even got her a ring! His son mentioned about 6 other women that my husband never mentioned as partners and when his son pushed it, my husband was like "She's already pissed about so and so. Don't talk about this".

I feel like he lied to me. If I'd have known how many partners he really had (I still don't even know how many) I'd never have even dated him. It was completely contradictory of what he said about himself and the man I got to know when dating.

I just don't know where we are right now.

We haven't been intimate since he pushed me away for doing it wrong. He runs to his ex-wife for everything (he talks to her for 20 minutes so she can call the phone company and ask a question, I could just have easily done). He goes on and on how bad she is as a mom and never does anything for the kids. 

For the 15+ years they have been divorced, she apparently had no connection with the kids for anything. But she is still the woman he goes to, to fix everything.

I don't think he really loves me. I don't think it would matter if I walked out of here today or tomorrow. 

I love him. Its hurts to find out about all these other women and how he did more for them than he ever has for me. Once we started living together, we stopped going on dates. And to think of it, I don't think we really "dated" as a couple before. We just did things together with our families.


I don't know what to do.

Did I make a mistake?

I think I have. I have a new job I'm starting and its only temporary. I won't even be able to work the whole contract (they know) because of my upcoming due-date.

I don't think he loves me. The idea of being naked with him makes me want to puke. I can't help but think of the other women, who were supposed "Friends" he helped out in crisis, etc. 

I wanted to be with one person in my life. Not a bunch of partners. I thought he was the one person, but now I don't know.

I don't know what to tell him if he does for some act of God does try to touch me. I don't want anything romantic with him. But he's my husband. Do I owe it to him?

I don't want to have any more kids with him. As much as I had dreams of a large family and 1 or 2 kids and a husband. I wish I was a stronger person and could just leave with my baby.

I don't think I can nor do I think I could support the two of us. How can I stay in this marriage and stop feeling hurt? How can I stop loving him and just get to a phase were I can have this baby, we both work, and live separate lives, but be there to support my daughter?

He even said he doesn't want to do any of the daddy things he did with all of the other children he was there for, for their birth. Cause he's tired of it and has done it enough its time for me to learn. He never said anything like this BEFORE we got together, or when we first talked of marriage. Had he? I'd have said no.

I'm just so worried. 

I don't know what I can do.


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## Shano

please any advice would be appreciated. I'm tired of crying over all the things that's been said or done between him and I.

He mentioned divorce last month if things didn't improve, then the next day he said he would never consider it. I don't know what he wants, what would make him happy. I don't know what would make me happy either.


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## ButterflyKisses

I read your post and was hesitant to respond because the first thing I felt was anger for your situation.

How old are you?


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## Shano

28 and hes 44.


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## ButterflyKisses

He is treating you terribly. I really don't feel it's a good situation for you and your baby. Do you have family that can help you out until you get on your feet and can support the two of you?


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## Shano

No, my mom passed away a few years ago. It divided the family big time over inheritances and properties in FL. I co-own a house with my sister, but am in a legal battle with her to be able to do something with it. Right now, she is living there and doesn't want me there. 

When I told her about the pregnancy, she told me to get an abortion. To her, its my mess I got myself into it, I can get myself out of. This is after I spent 3 years living with her and taking care of her because she had a stroke.


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## ButterflyKisses

Shano said:


> No, my mom passed away a few years ago. It divided the family big time over inheritances and properties in FL. I co-own a house with my sister, but am in a legal battle with her to be able to do something with it. Right now, she is living there and doesn't want me there.
> 
> When I told her about the pregnancy, she told me to get an abortion. To her, its my mess I got myself into it, I can get myself out of. This is after I spent 3 years living with her and taking care of her because she had a stroke.


I'm hoping others will post with some info on how you can get out of this situation.

This man does not respect you or value you at all.
Not only that, he doesn't even want the responsibility of a child that he helped to bring into this world. He has lied to you, strung you along, and repeatedly disrespected you.

I really think you need to leave.


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## Shano

The most I can think of, is staying with him until the birth and 6 weeks after. Then re-applying to where I am working (the HR manager suggested this), save up some money. Then move out. 

I've checked the prices for some of the very cheap apartments in the area and it would be around 1,000 with electric/water. I can skip the other conveniences. And that would leave around 200 a month for bus trans portion, diapers, and things. I don't know if I will qualify for food stamps or not. I prefer eating fresh fruit and vegetables from a farmers market (so much cheaper! can get by with 25$ every 2 weeks for food). I am unsure of how much to really expect to pay a month for baby essentials. We don't even own anything baby related yet part from fear of another loss, and part from him not wanting to look at baby things. 

I just don't know. Will he maybe change once I'm not pregnant? Will he change his mind once the baby is here and want to be a father? He said he did and it was him more than me that wanted to try again after our first loss.


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## ButterflyKisses

Shano said:


> Will he maybe change once I'm not pregnant? Will he change his mind once the baby is here and want to be a father? He said he did and it was him more than me that wanted to try again after our first loss.


Why would he change after the baby is born? Sounds to me like he's been the same guy from the start.

*He* wanted to try again for a baby? And then say he wanted nothing to do with being a father?

Leave.


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## Shano

I just can't believe it all came down to this.  I love him to no ends, but it doesn't at all feel like he returns those feelings. I miss him when I go to bed at night and hes stuck at work closing.

I do feel wrong being upset over stuff he did in his past because it was before he meet me. But on the other hand, he could have been a bit more honest about it all. 

 so damn confused.


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## ButterflyKisses

It's obvious he doesn't respect you, but you need to have some respect for yourself.

You can do alot better than him and you deserve better.


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## Shano

I still do not know what to do.


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## cherrypie18

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Do you have any friends at all who could help you out? 

Do you think he will pay child support? I mean, he should at least be able to buy the child all the necessities until you have a full time job. 

On average, baby essentials can cost from 500-1000 dollars a month, maybe even less, depending on where you shop.

You really deserve someone who will love and respect you. I hope you find that person soon enough. 

He doesn't deserve you and you really should have nothing to do with him, unless it's for financial support until you get back on your feet.


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## Shano

I'm not entirely sure about the friends. Most of my real close friends live out of state (I moved with my husband to here, because he was from here). If I had the money for the travel expenses, I would have moved in with one of them by now. 

I don't know if he would pay child support. The who knows what number fiancee walked out with his first daughter and he's done nothing for them since. 

I just don't know what to do. I just feel so empty. 

I wish I could get things settled in the court with my sister concerning the house we both co-own. She doesn't want me living there and she doesn't way to pay for my half of it (she just wants the whole house). She wont buy out my half, and she won't let me rent it out (she needs the space). 

I just hurt. 

I still love him. I wish he'd feel something for me. 

This morning he was all sweet and cuddling with me before he went to work. And I was trying so hard not to cry because he was finally touching me. 

And I'm told by the kids and my brother in law, I'm not even welcomed downstairs today since my hubby is at work. The kids aren't even at the house, they left and don't want their uncle stressed or in a mood when they get home tonight.


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## cherrypie18

What does he have to say about his brother and kids treating you this way?

If you were to divorce him, you should definitely ask for child support. The judge will decide how much he pays you then.

BTW you said if you had the money...does your husband not support you financially at all? Like have a joint bank account or at least give you some cash for shopping and what not?


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## Shano

He doesn't say anything to his brother. He says "I will talk to him when the kids are at school on my next day off, so they don't see the argument". 

The time comes, and there is nothing said. 

The brother in law racks up needless bills. On our cable bill, he added over 130 dollars for pay-per-view things for last month. We can't afford it. My husband has -me- call to cancel whatever subscription, then the brother in law turns it on again, rinse and repeat next month. I look like the bad guy, nothing is said.

He doesn't say anything to his children. 

I find it a bit funny since I did start a new job, they are telling me of things I -have- to pay for. In my head I'm thinking, "you just told me, I'm to avoid starting an argument with your uncle to stay up in my bedroom all damn day while my husband is at work. And you want me to blow my whole paycheck on you for what? Not my responsibility!" 


We have 1 checking account, in my husband's name. It has one bank card which he keeps on him. If say he is going to use the restroom while we are in line to pay for things, he gives me to card to pay for it. But money overall is all in his hands. 

If there is something I would like to get, or need to get for the house, and he won't be there for it he gives me the cash and I give him the change later. 

I did just start a new job and have the 20 he gave me for lunches this past week still tucked into the bottom of my purse. I haven't received my first check yet, but I believe it will be a paper one to get cashed somewhere.


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## BlueEyedBeauty

Maybe, he did not buy you a real diamond ring- for one due to your age, and him being way older than you, also because he has already been with two people which never worked out and wants to make sure it is going to work out with you, and then once he does know it is going to work out he will then buy you a bigger diamond and also it being real. My husband is also 15 years, 4 months, 8 days older than me- I was his first on everythiing and I met him when he was 31 years old and week after being together with him he told me we were going to pick out a ring for me- my first diamond ring from him was 1/4 diamond and then when I used the bathroom (the ring was to big) my sister stole it from me. Two months after that he bought me a new one and that was a little bigger- one year later- we trade the ring in for a half of a CT- and that was a IF Claritly and the color was D- so that shows you it was a pretty penny....

You, should be happy that he did get you a ring, when someone buys you a ring it is something from their heart- given to the ones they love. You, should not be complaning on what size it is and that it is not even real- maybe he does not have the money for a real one right now and will buy one later on for you...

At least you got him to marry you, be thankful for that much- I also did not get the wedding we talked about either- and that was all do to my Mother- saying she was losing and that we all had to move out into the houses with the ones we were with. I was going to marry my husband when I was out of high school did not happen though- I married him when I was 15 years old (17 would have been the age) I had to have my father go down to a court room- we all had to talk this lady- who ran under age people who got married. I did have too have both parnters sign off saying it was okay- but my mother got it of somehow so my father signed me off and there I was able to get married at 15- I then moved out and then my sister and brother never did have to move out. Here is my sister 8 children later married and still living at home 17 years later...

(MAYBE I SHOULD READ ALL OF THIS AND NOT WRITE IN PARTS.)

I think you should just leave the dude- it sounds to me like he just wants someone there to take care of him- and he is not in this whole marriage thing for love. You, need to do something before you do lose it and have a break down like his ex did- now you know why, his wife may have went out on him as well. Even though cheating is way wrong...

I am also really into the Lord himself, and I know where you're coming from when you, say "I only wanted to be with one partner" I myself feels the same way- I though am lucky that I am also my husbands first- I was his first on everything that there is; even his first girlfirend he ever had. I was always hearing this from his mother and other memebers of the family...

Your Husband he is something else- even if he had all those other people- they are in the past and they should always be left in the past and not brought up to someone you are with. He is in the wrong for saying about how they are so much better doing this and doing that- he sounds like he is someone who is very controlling and very abusive with his mouth- sounds like he will start abusing you as well, if things do not go his way...

He for one should not ever push you away while you two are sharing your love moments together, You, are younger than him and never been with someone- you will not know what to do--- You said he was your first but then you were talking about how other men you were with that they never said you gave bad blowjobs and did things wrong.

What is up with that then if he was your first? In making wise you, must of been talking about- but God, must be in your heart all the way if you were doing those other things with people and not married with them....

You, should really let him go though before you do end up hurt or going nuts. I know you married him for the baby- but will it really be worth you being hurt and your heartaches all the time? I think it is time to move on


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## trying01

I am sad for your situation. In my opinion I think it would be best for you and your baby to leave this situation. It's easier said than done and when funds are an issue it's even more difficult but I think you owe it to yourself to be respected, loved, and happy. (And yes, I'm trying to take my own advice as well...)

It's hard when you are in the situation yourself, but how did you feel after coming onto the forum or actually typing what was going on. I've noticed for myself saying it and typing it put a whole different spin on how I looked at it. It was very real at that point.. (I hope that doesn't sound nuts..) In my opinion you need to leave your current situation. Divorce might be a topic to address in the future, but first a separation to see how your life could be without him. Maybe you could reach out to someone from your church or something? This is definately not going to be easy but is it going to be easier than what you're dealing with right now on a daily basis.. I'm guessing so..?


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## MsLonely

Stop loving him! You can do it! Don't find excuses to make up the ugly truth or stay until you can't stay anymore.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely

Stop loving him! Think about it! Wake up! What you love is actually another man who is your beloved prince and who loves you deeply and faithfully, but now you're waiting and wishing him to be that prince. Honey. It's all your delusion. He's not who you're looking for. So if you don't leave him, you can never meet your beloved prince because you're going to have more babies with this old folk who gave you a cheapskate ring to cheat for your love.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AWife

I agree with the other posters who are advising you to leave. I'm sorry though, I know it hurts. You need to do it now tho. I know you don't have the money and you're scared, but once the baby is here and he is the designated father your options are going to be a lot more limited. 

It sounds like you're alone where you are. You said you have friends out of state. Borrow money or do whatever you have to do and go there. Do what you have to do to take care of yourself and your child. Once the baby arrives, he can legally keep you from leaving the area.

You deserve soooo much more, but you need to be strong and get yourself in a position where you can take care of yourself and your child. 

Good luck. Don't foget your faith it'll help give you strength.


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## Shano

*You said he was your first but then you were talking about how other men you were with that they never said you gave bad blowjobs and did things wrong.*

I meant that he's made comments that so and so was great at this. Like his ex-wife gave this amazing blow job in a parked car when she was trying to get back with him. And I don't get anything good from him as in I'm doing something right or he likes it. I've never been with someone other than my husband to be told what I'm doing right or wrong. I just know from him he doesn't like it. And I've asked what to do better? and its like "Forget it" he can take care of himself and finish himself off. 


*It's hard when you are in the situation yourself, but how did you feel after coming onto the forum or actually typing what was going on. I've noticed for myself saying it and typing it put a whole different spin on how I looked at it.*

I felt kinda empty and more dishearten. A lot of the little things I pushed aside and moved on and am trying to make it work. But when looking at it all... its like what did I get myself into? I'm not the woman I was when I started. I thought I was stronger than this. And now, almost a month later and still feeling it hurts.

We talked about it as a family, cause I mentioned the apartment hunting and we did talk about it. But nothing really has changed. We did have sex once, he was really in the mood and he made the comment it wouldn't hurt me as much if we did it more often. But then its not like he shows interest in it. 

I know I'm being more emotional and hormonal with this pregnancy. But it took everything in me to not break down in tears when I went to give him a kiss after work and he was just looking at a bunch of naked women on the internet. He wants to see them, but can't look at me naked. 



And this house isn't a place I want to raise a little baby in. I'm forcing myself to go to work cause it is a job and I was hoping to be able to save some money on the side and it hasn't happened. I already had to leave once early and ended up in the labor and delivery room for pre-term labor. It stopped and I'm off work for a week until I see the dr again this week. 

I just don't know what to do. I still want him in my life. I still love him. But it hurts. I'm working my ass off for what? 

And his brother lives at our house, rent free, does nothing, contributes nothing, and has more rights and privileges in the house than I do. And the money I was trying to save was spent because my brother in law didn't feel like cooking dinner and spent it on fast food for a couple of nights for everyone staying / visiting here.


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## MsLady

My heart is breaking for you. You sound so trapped and so alone in this. You should leave him. You said multiple times you don't think he loves and I'm sorry to say that your description of the situation makes me agree with you. You're young, you will get back on your feet again. Sometimes you have to push through these really difficult times to know that you can, indeed, make it through them. 

Some practical suggestions:

1. Go to the post office and open a P.O. Box.
2. Go to the bank and open a bank account in your name only and use the P.O. box for that account.
3. Deposit your checks into your individual bank account. Don't pay his bills - if you don't have free reign of your home, then it's not your home. It belongs to him, his brother and his children and you don't have the luxury of paying their bills right now.
4. Go meet with a lawyer. You will likely be entitled to child support (child support is not voluntary!). Speaking with a lawyer can give you a clear and true picture of what to expect if you chose to divorce him. It's best to have facts than to let your imagination run wild. Your options may not be as limited as you think and I can guarantee you that a divorce lawyer with some experience has seen many women in your situation before and can guide you toward resources.
5. Head over to the welfare office. I know no one wants a hand-out, but your situation is one of those temporary down-and-out that the aide is set up for ... you can get help for housing, food and medicaid until you get on your feet. NO shame in that and, as a soon-to-be mother, you do what you have to do to take care of your child. You'll probably need to file for divorce before you can get aide, but you can at least go in there and find out from them what the steps would be and what the requirements are - again, know your options and make a plan.

An alternative is to call your out of state friends and find out if anyone can offer you a place to stay for 6 months while you have the baby and get on your feet. Save the next few paychecks for transportation costs. You need a support system. While a lot of people are ****, I bet that if you think of everyone you know, there's at least one kind, loving person in there that can give you a hand. Someone you may not expect could surprise you and step up to be there for you ... but they can't help if you don't talk to them and ask.

Finally, another possible option is to speak to your current employer about offering you the position permanently. Sure, you'd need the maternity leave, but if you are a good employee, they may be willing to invest in you. You never know until you ask. You can let them know that you are aware that you've had absences, but that those are medical and will not exist once you are not pregnant anymore.


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## MsLady

P.S. "love" is no reason to stay with an a**hole.

Soon enough your baby will arrive and you'll know what true love looks like. True love doesn't treat you like s*** on purpose ... or even by accident that often.


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## marilee

Hon, this guy is a classic jerk, and trust me, jerks never get better over time. This can go in only one direction - south. 

You need to end this. He will treat you badly, he will treat your child badly. Nothing good can come of it, from what you've told us.

Have you thought about adoption at all? I know that sounds extreme, but it might be the most loving thing you can do for your child right now.


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## Shano

Thank you all for the advice. I've called the local food stamp office and asked them some questions about what I might be eligible for and what have you. I've also contacted a few other agencies for more information and possible help.

But I've also ended up having a long talk with my husband the other night. We ended up talking about everything from sex issues, to money issues, to me not wanting to be in this house anymore and wanting my own apartment. We've even talked about how I don't think he really loves me and was and am still hurt that he pushed off the wedding as much as he did.

He apologized for a lot of it. 

He's made some efforts in the bedroom department, and I feel horrible that I wasn't even able to get wet or accommodate him, after that being one of my issues. 

He has off work Monday/Tuesday and he said he is going to use that time to get the house in order. He's already talked to his brother and the kids about how things have been and how its not going to continue that way.

I'm going to be keeping my own pay checks to use for what I want to use it on. He also said he is bad on budgeting and the bills, he's going to let me handle that from now on. I never realized how poorly he was handling the bills! But we sat down and wrote it all out. 

I don't know why we have so many late fees, discontinued notices, etc. We should have 1-2 hundred plus extra every week from his checks alone (he's paid weekly) yet all of our bills are behind or what not. 

I don't know if it will work out. But I am willing to give him the benefit of the doubt and to work on saving the marriage. I really do love him and hope he feels something back for me. 

He knows if it all doesn't improve, I am going to leave. I can't take it anymore. I want a real home to raise my daughter in and right now, as the house stands, this isn't a home.


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