# I found out “too late”



## Rosaliee_ (May 5, 2021)

I’ve been with my partner for almost two years now. I found out a few months ago that he had received a letter from someone he use to flirt with and he never told me about this letter. I had to find out through a text. I never saw it but when I confronted him he said he forgot what was in it and refused any information and told me I was crazy. I noticed they had some flirty texts too which he denied as flirty and told me I was crazy. He made me feel that way so I believed him and now it’s months later and he wants to spend a week with some old friends including that female and another female he flirted with before. He tells me they are friends and that I’m being stupid but I feel like my heart is being ripped out. I love this man but it’s so hard to trust him with all these signs. And he knows it will make me unhappy but still wants to go. I won’t force him not to because that’s wrong but I feel like I’m going to vomit. I’m not sure if I will stay if he does go. I don’t know if I’m crazy or not anymore. I feel like I can’t bring up the past anymore because it’s been too long. If I were to leave now I’m afraid I’ll regret because he made me feel like everything he did was fine. Please help me I can give more info as needed.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Rosaliee_ said:


> I’ve been with my partner for almost two years now. I found out a few months ago that he had received a letter from someone he use to flirt with and he never told me about this letter. I had to find out through a text. I never saw it but when I confronted him he said he forgot what was in it and refused any information and told me I was crazy. I noticed they had some flirty texts too which he denied as flirty and told me I was crazy. He made me feel that way so I believed him and now it’s months later and he wants to spend a week with some old friends including that female and another female he flirted with before. He tells me they are friends and that I’m being stupid but I feel like my heart is being ripped out. I love this man but it’s so hard to trust him with all these signs. And he knows it will make me unhappy but still wants to go. I won’t force him not to because that’s wrong but I feel like I’m going to vomit. I’m not sure if I will stay if he does go. I don’t know if I’m crazy or not anymore. I feel like I can’t bring up the past anymore because it’s been too long. If I were to leave now I’m afraid I’ll regret because he made me feel like everything he did was fine. Please help me I can give more info as needed.


He sounds like a gem. Why do you want to keep a guy who doesn’t care whether his choices upset you? Why would you let anyone convince you that you are crazy? Why do you allow yourself to be treated with disrespect?

It’s hard to trust him because he is untrustworthy... Why are you trying to hold on so tightly to this person? Do you think you can’t do better? Why do you think a man needs to be coerced into acting like a nice person?

This is a lot of questions, but I’m not really asking them to get an answer. I think I know why already. He sounds like an ass, but it isn’t really about him. It’s about you.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Tell him that either you go or if he refuses and goes anyway the relationship is over. He clearly can't be trusted to go alone.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

He cares more about his flirty friends than you. Be firm and tell him that if he chooses his friends over you, then you two are over. 

Stop wasting your love and time on a man that doesn't care about you. Two years thrown down into the dumps because you let a liar gas light you into thinking you were crazy for knowing he is a cheating ass.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> Tell him that either you go or if he refuses and goes anyway the relationship is over.


Agreed. Give him the opportunity to do the right thing- if he refuses then you know what you need to do. Although I wouldn't do it as an ultimatum. Simply tell him you're going with him. His response will tell you all you need to know. While he's gone you can plan or even execute your separation plan, whether it's you moving out or putting all his stuff in storage with the first month paid by you as an act of good will.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Sorry to hear you are hurting but take those two years as a lesson. He is gaslighting you. The fact is you are totally in the right to feel what you feel. Your emotions towards something isn’t right or wrong.... it just is. The way he treats your feelings are a sign of his (lack of) respect for you. In a few years he will be telling you why you deserved to be hit, choked, yelled at, etc etc etc.


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## Rosaliee_ (May 5, 2021)

Trident said:


> Agreed. Give him the opportunity to do the right thing- if he refuses then you know what you need to do. Although I wouldn't do it as an ultimatum. Simply tell him you're going with him. His response will tell you all you need to know. While he's gone you can plan or even execute your separation plan, whether it's you moving out or putting all his stuff in storage with the first month paid by you as an act of good will.


I mentioned going also and he said that I would be breathing down his back. He said he could just not go but he said it in such a way that he would be angry if he didn’t if that makes sense.


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## Rosaliee_ (May 5, 2021)

Bibi1031 said:


> He cares more about his flirty friends than you. Be firm and tell him that if he chooses his friends over you, then you two are over.
> 
> Stop wasting your love and time on a man that doesn't care about you. Two years thrown down into the dumps because you let a liar gas light you into thinking you were crazy for knowing he is a cheating ass.


It’s hard because at this point I don’t know if I’m overreacting or not. And I love his family and I’m afraid they won’t understand if I leave him.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Then you find proof of either you being wrong about your gut feelings or not. You can fence sit this until you are ready to take action. Inaction is also an action by the way. So right now you are choosing to fence sit. That is ok. It's your journey. You make the decisions/actions. We just give you our opinions and advice.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Rosaliee_ said:


> I’ve been with my partner for almost two years now. I found out a few months ago that he had received a letter from someone he use to flirt with and he never told me about this letter. I had to find out through a text. I never saw it but when I confronted him he said he forgot what was in it and refused any information and told me I was crazy. I noticed they had some flirty texts too which he denied as flirty and told me I was crazy. He made me feel that way so I believed him and now it’s months later and he wants to spend a week with some old friends including that female and another female he flirted with before. He tells me they are friends and that I’m being stupid but I feel like my heart is being ripped out. I love this man but it’s so hard to trust him with all these signs. And he knows it will make me unhappy but still wants to go. I won’t force him not to because that’s wrong but I feel like I’m going to vomit. I’m not sure if I will stay if he does go. I don’t know if I’m crazy or not anymore. I feel like I can’t bring up the past anymore because it’s been too long. If I were to leave now I’m afraid I’ll regret because he made me feel like everything he did was fine. Please help me I can give more info as needed.


First of all, he's gaslighting you by telling you that 'you're crazy'. Second, he should NOT go! He goes, make sure you don't stick around. Are you strong enough boundary wise to enforce this? Let's see if you go away with a group and guys you used to flirt with are there, if he'd like it. My sources say most definitely not.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

If it were innocent, he'd invite you along on this week he's going to spend. He must assume you will just sit and take it. What he's doing is gaslighting you, trying to make it sound like YOU are the crazy one, look it up. It's common with cheaters. If she was just a good friend, he'd have had you two meet so you could also be friends. She would be in the loop, not lurking around the perimeter!

You and he are not married, and I don't think you should be since he's still not including you in something like this. If I were you, I'd use his time away to get my things and move out. Don't start thinking marriage would change this. If you'll put up with this now, he very well might marry you just knowing he'd still be able to have other women and you'd put up with it. 

Again, haven't you introduced him to your good friends? I mean, that's how it's done. She's someone he flirts with. He's not treating you right. Get out while he's gone. Or if it's your place, put all his crap into storage and change the locks. Men are very adept at lying and trying to make women think they're the unreasonable one. Only think about what you need to enjoy a partnership, and for most, that is inclusion and trust and consideration and respect.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You’re not the one who’s crazy.

If he wants to be with his flirty friends that much then he can — as a single guy.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Why wouldn’t he bring you along? He didn’t even offer it?


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## Rushwater (Feb 11, 2013)

Rosaliee_ said:


> I’ve been with my partner for almost two years now. I found out a few months ago that he had received a letter from someone he use to flirt with and he never told me about this letter. I had to find out through a text. I never saw it but when I confronted him he said he forgot what was in it and refused any information and told me I was crazy. I noticed they had some flirty texts too which he denied as flirty and told me I was crazy. He made me feel that way so I believed him and now it’s months later and he wants to spend a week with some old friends including that female and another female he flirted with before. He tells me they are friends and that I’m being stupid but I feel like my heart is being ripped out. I love this man but it’s so hard to trust him with all these signs. And he knows it will make me unhappy but still wants to go. I won’t force him not to because that’s wrong but I feel like I’m going to vomit. I’m not sure if I will stay if he does go. I don’t know if I’m crazy or not anymore. I feel like I can’t bring up the past anymore because it’s been too long. If I were to leave now I’m afraid I’ll regret because he made me feel like everything he did was fine. Please help me I can give more info as needed.


Rosaliee, so you two are not married, correct? And I am also assuming that you do not have any children together? How old are both of you? Based on everything that you have stated, he is cheating on you; maybe an emotional affair, but more likely a physical affair. If he truly loved you, he would be trying to build you up and help you feel more confident in your relationship, rather than gaslighting you. I agree with the others here whom have said that you need to tell him that you are going with him. If it were me that was going out of town, and my wife demanded that she was going with, I would be ecstatic! But, alas, I hate to say it, I think he will react extremely negative to you saying that you are going. And, yes, that is all that you need to know.

Listen, you are not married. Presumably, you do not have any children with this man. I have no idea how old you are, but you should thank God above, that you do not have that much invested in this man (emotions aside). It's time for you to begin looking out for you! And you need to start with an STD test. If you and your "boyfriend"(?) are having sex, you are at absolute risk. You need to get your financial affairs in order NOW! Are you working? Luckily, there will be very little, legally, that will entangle you (unless, you and he have money tied up together in a house or other assets). Do you have family nearby that you can lean on at this time?

What you are going through sucks ass, but thank goodness you are finding out about this early. Could you imagine going through this 15 years from now after you all have children?? You deserve to be with a man that adores you and gets excited everytime he sees you. And you will find that man because, hopefully, you will now know what to avoid. A man who is truly in love with you would never do the things that you listed here. Good luck, be brave, and come back here if you need to bounce anything off of us or just need an ear to hear you!


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

Rosaliee_ said:


> I mentioned going also and he said that I would be breathing down his back. He said he could just not go but he said it in such a way that he would be angry if he didn’t if that makes sense.


Of course it makes sense...he doesn't want you there.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

Rosaliee_ said:


> It’s hard because at this point I don’t know if I’m overreacting or not. And I love his family and I’m afraid they won’t understand if I leave him.


It's him you're with, not his family. Don't sacrifice your feelings and boundaries for his family, he certainly doesn't care what they might think.


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## Rosaliee_ (May 5, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> Why wouldn’t he bring you along? He didn’t even offer it?


He didn’t offer but I did mention about being sad he didn’t offer and he said I should have said something. He does not seem happy that I want to go and actually seems like he dislikes the whole idea of me being there.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Rosaliee_ said:


> He didn’t offer but I did mention about being sad he didn’t offer and he said I should have said something. He does not seem happy that I want to go and actually seems like he dislikes the whole idea of me being there.


Nothing ruins the single life like your sig other showing up to the party. He doesn’t “seem” like he doesn’t want you there, he actually does not want you there. A nice boyfriend would love to have you along to show you off and have a great time with you. Include you in his life. He would have asked you to come when planning this. 

He is showing and telling you what he thinks of you. Don’t you think you deserve more than what he allows you to have? You’re settling for crumbs here.


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## Rosaliee_ (May 5, 2021)

QuietRiot said:


> Nothing ruins the single life like your sig other showing up to the party. He doesn’t “seem” like he doesn’t want you there, he actually does not want you there. A nice boyfriend would love to have you along to show you off and have a great time with you. Include you in his life. He would have asked you to come when planning this.
> 
> He is showing and telling you what he thinks of you. Don’t you think you deserve more than what he allows you to have? You’re settling for crumbs here.


I guess I just don’t want it to be true. My mother was cheated on multiple times and so was my sister. I wanted to believe it wouldn’t happen to me and I’ve spoken about my fears of being cheated on with him. I fear I may not find anyone every example of a relationship around me is filled with cheaters. Is there truly a guy out there who doesn’t cheat? Or a guy who doesn’t take advantage of you?


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Rosaliee_ said:


> I guess I just don’t want it to be true. My mother was cheated on multiple times and so was my sister. I wanted to believe it wouldn’t happen to me and I’ve spoken about my fears of being cheated on with him. I fear I may not find anyone every example of a relationship around me is filled with cheaters. Is there truly a guy out there who doesn’t cheat? Or a guy who doesn’t take advantage of you?


Let’s remove the cheating from the equation and just look at his behavior here. Even if he isn’t going to meet up with some girl, he is still treating you like crap. You are missing the forest for the trees. You are concentrating on whether your relationship is any good by looking at this one element... cheating. 

There is so much more to look at. I think you should look at the way he is treating you, like an inconvenience, someone stupid, someone unworthy of kindness and adoration. That alone is enough to be done with this. You should want and demand more from anyone you date. The fact that he acts like a cheater is just another reason he is a crappy SO.

And yes there are guys out there that are good and decent human beings. But you have to be the type of person who attracts them too. You need to work on your own self worth and self esteem.


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## Rushwater (Feb 11, 2013)

Rosaliee_ said:


> I guess I just don’t want it to be true. My mother was cheated on multiple times and so was my sister. I wanted to believe it wouldn’t happen to me and I’ve spoken about my fears of being cheated on with him. I fear I may not find anyone every example of a relationship around me is filled with cheaters. Is there truly a guy out there who doesn’t cheat? Or a guy who doesn’t take advantage of you?


Yes, ABSOLUTELY, there are guys out there who will not cheat or take advantage of you. My wife and I have been together 27 years and I am head over heels in love with her. I have complete tunnel vision for her. There are men (as I am sure there are women as well) who put their spouse first and would never fathom going outside their vows.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Rosaliee_ said:


> I guess I just don’t want it to be true. My mother was cheated on multiple times and so was my sister. I wanted to believe it wouldn’t happen to me and I’ve spoken about my fears of being cheated on with him. I fear I may not find anyone every example of a relationship around me is filled with cheaters. Is there truly a guy out there who doesn’t cheat? Or a guy who doesn’t take advantage of you?


Yes, there are men who don't cheat. But this guy is not a good one. You're lucky, you didn't marry him. You can leave easily.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Just wanting a little more info.

How did you find out about a letter from one of the girls? What was said about it?

How many friends is he supposed to be hanging out with besides the two girls?

Has he ever dated the two girls or have they always been friends?

How long has your bf know/been friends with the two girls? 

How long have you known your bf?

Have you been cheated on before this relationship?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Certainly there are men who don’t cheat and who don’t take advantage of you — lots of them — but apparently he’s not one of them. Better to move on and don’t look back.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

A two year relationship is a drop in the pan. No kids, no marriage, it doesn't get any easier than this. Better to know now than later, just ask the majority of people here who have been cheated on - if they knew before marriage and kids would they have stayed if given that opportunity?? I know what my answer is.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

At this stage in the relationship he should be taking you with him everywhere to “show you off” as suggested earlier.

If I brought my wife to hang out with “the boys” I would make sure at least one girlfriend or wife is there on the trip who she gets along with. I would check this with her first, “If such and so goes will you go?” If we went out drinking, partying, gambling, etc... they can go have a spa day or do whatever they want and then we meet up for dinner.

This is normal I think. Your partners behavior seems abnormal.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

QuietRiot said:


> He sounds like a gem. Why do you want to keep a guy who doesn’t care whether his choices upset you? Why would you let anyone convince you that you are crazy? Why do you allow yourself to be treated with disrespect?
> 
> It’s hard to trust him because he is untrustworthy... Why are you trying to hold on so tightly to this person? Do you think you can’t do better? Why do you think a man needs to be coerced into acting like a nice person?
> 
> This is a lot of questions, but I’m not really asking them to get an answer. I think I know why already. He sounds like an ass, but it isn’t really about him. It’s about you.


I suffer from dyslexia, and sometimes I read something that isn't exactly what is on the page/screen. I thought you said: "He sounds like a germ." Then in an instant I realised you wrote "gem," not germ.

Then I realised: "Actually, he is a germ."


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

MattMatt said:


> I suffer from dyslexia, and sometimes I read something that isn't exactly what is on the page/screen. I thought you said: "He sounds like a germ." Then in an instant I realised you wrote "gem," not germ.
> 
> Then I realised: "Actually, he is a germ."


Dyslexia? I’d say you are adept at reading in between the lines. 🙂


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Rosaliee_ said:


> It’s hard because at this point I don’t know if I’m overreacting or not. And I love his family and I’m afraid they won’t understand if I leave him.


He s showing you so much disrespect and you are allowing it. He knows ultimately he can do what he wants cause you will be the doormat waiting at home. you Have suggested you go, his response tells you all you need to know. He doesnt care about your feelings and what’s to get a bit of strange on the trip. Are you living with this man? How old are you? 
let him go on the trip. Pack your stuff and be gone when he gets back. tell his family thayou won’t be with someone who lies to you and has no respect for you. You are better off without him. Move on.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

If you are NOT married, this is good. Dating is to figure out if you are compatible with the other person for a LONG TERM relationship. He clearly failed that test, and is NOT for you.
HE wants what he wants and you can't control that, but you CAN control YOUR BOUNDARIES.
Tell him that -- you can go, but MY boundaries are that you don't cheat, treat me like crap and not care about my feelings, and NOT being gaslighted.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

A guy who doesn't cheat and whose ethics are going to make him be loyal or else break up with you if he's not feeling it is going to be ethical in general in life and treat other people right and not try to take advantage of employers or friends or other women or his parents. So you have to look for someone who has generally good ethics and isn't just looking for a way to take shortcuts or take advantage of situations. It is really hard to tell because so many men can convince you they're serious and then cheat behind your back, but a man who isn't a cheater and who values loyalty and wouldn't feel good about himself if he didn't behave right isn't going to do things that make you doubt and wonder. Of course there are people who are going to doubt and wonder because they're that insecure that they can never be convinced, but you are more of a trusting soul. A cheater will look for a trusting soul and someone who is mild and too nice to want to have a conversation and call them out about it so that they can keep getting away with it. 

You have to realize that there are plenty of men out there whose ideal situation is not finding one woman to stay with for the rest of their life but is looking for women they can juggle and get away with it so they can have variety. Those kind of men should stay single and to be honest with who they're dating but it's rare that they are. 

To keep from wasting your time while dating you need to look for red flags and drop them instead of giving them the benefit of the doubt and prolonging things just because you don't want to believe it. It is what it is. In black and white he wants to go on a trip without his girlfriend with another woman and he wants his girlfriend to just believe his BS and sit there quietly and wait for him to return.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

My BF wants me along when he goes out all time. He says “I love walking into a room with you because everyone knows you’re with me and I’m just so proud to be able to say that. I love showing you off!”

That’s what you’re looking for and you’re BF is NOT the guy to give you that. I’m sorry. Get free of him and find yourself a decent, caring man. There are millions of them in this world.


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