# I cheated, confessed. H is now talking to me again, what to do?



## gumtree (Jun 1, 2013)

Long post, I'll try and give the background. I'm 32, my H is 30, no kids. 7 yrs together, married 6. 

I cheated with a 20yo guy from my gym who had a crush on me and paid me lots of attention. I realise now he's a player, but I thought he really liked me. After a few weeks of talking and eye contact led to a makeout session, then a week later we drove to a cabin for a night, I told H I was going away for some alone time. After the ONS, we texted for a few days planning another tryst, but I stood OM up. I felt so guilty that I was agitated and nauseous, couldn't eat or sleep which my concerned H noticed, so I cut all contact. 12 days after the ONS I finally confessed to my husband, knowing it would tear him apart. He left our house that night and drove 5 hours back to our home city to stay with his family. He did not deserve this, he is a good and faithful man, and he trusted me totally. What I did was so selfish, although I felt justified at the time, which is why I went ahead and did it. I even said to OM "(H's name) doesn't deserve this. But I do."

I wish I could turn back time and just ignore that OM, but I cant. Now I feel revulsion at cheating mixed with desire for the OM still lingering, I hate that and wont act on it, but its the truth its like a drug withdrawal, especially when I'm lonely, I have to remind myself what a jerk he actually is when I start thinking about him.

One of the big problems in our marriage is that my husband is mentally ill and I was his caregiver, which was really difficult. I never had the courage to say to him that we should separate for a while to save our marriage, to allow me some respite from supporting him and set some proper boundaries. That would have done much less damage, but I was too scared to hurt him, ironically. 

Now its been 6 weeks apart since I confessed and my heart breaks when we talk on the phone. He wouldn't talk to me at all for 4 weeks. He's distant and quite cold, but he talks now and I know he is going through hell. He said he still loves me but this has effectively exiled him from the homestead we built together from a bare paddock, because he cant stand to be around me or look at our life. While he was working on renovating at home, I was ogling this guy and planning to cheat, then had sex with him, and that's killing H. 

Although I don't want the 'same' marriage we had, I hope we can salvage this but I don't know. We married because we thought we could make it against all odds - mental illness, infertility and financial struggles, we had so much love and we were a great team. I am really hoping H will be willing to R, but I just don't know if he will be able to forgive me. He says he is trying, but he is having mind movies, hurting and angry. 

We drove to see each other last week, halfway between towns, he asked me awful questions about it which I answered honestly as painful as that was for us both. I've never felt so naked and exposed as being a complete POS as when telling my sweet husband things like no we didn't use protection, and it was not once, but many times that night, but he insisted he wanted to know and I could see every detail was like an axe to the heart for him. So its up to him now to decide if we can try. He first said he simply cant get past it and we agreed to separate although he wasn't ready to formalise it yet. We hugged goodbye and cried until he pushed me away, and we both cried all the drive back to our separate homes.

I phoned him last night and asked can he please come home for a few days, even if I stay elsewhere and come over to talk in the evenings. I know coming back to our property will be very painful to him because its going to remind him of everything I've trashed for a ONS. 

He agreed within a few weeks he will come back to see how it feels and progress toward a decision. Can men ever truly forgive a WW? I hope so, but I also want to be realistic. 
I accept D is a likely outcome, but I don't want to throw in the towel yet if there's a chance. 

So what I need is advice on how to behave toward him when he comes home, and how can we discuss our marriage? I want to give him space so he may feel able to stay, but I also want to reassure him that I love him and still want to be his wife. When we talk I don't want to justify or blame him for my cheating, but I also don't want to rug sweep all the problems we had if we try and stay together. Please tell me what I need to say or do to show him I love him without pushing him further away...

I've lurked here since this all started so I fully expect I will get hammered by some BS on here, I accept that, but I'd also really appreciate constructive advice where possible. Thanks.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

You say your h is mentally ill.
How does this manifest itself and what have you had to do about it in your ongoing everyday relationship?


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

first things first, have you ended all contact with this OM? have you stopped going to this same gym?

you say you still have desire for this OM. you need to sort this out before "baiting" your husband into a reconciliation effort.


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## gumtree (Jun 1, 2013)

Re: H's mental illness, he has schizophrenia. He takes his meds religiously and controls it well, but life is still very hard for him and he gets depressed. I have supported him emotionally through some very tough times, coming close to hospitalisation once or twice. He is one of the kindest people I know, very intelligent with a great sense of humour, but it is hard for him to stay in employment, so I have always financially supported us too. If we can R I realise I need to define some boundaries for myself, including IC so my shoulders don't crack under the weight of his needs again. Whether we R or not, he needs to engage better with his therapy and doctors to get the right help staying on track. Because of the social stigma of the illness we have kept it quiet in our small town, which adds pressure to me. His social anxiety means getting out and having fun together falls by the wayside. It's tough, but I knew him long before we got together and did my research. I thought I could handle it. 

Re: OM, I told him clearly in the last texts that I think he is a jerk and I am finished. He no longer attends that gym and last I heard he is leaving town for a new job sometime soon. I haven't seen him about and would bolt in the other direction if I did, for my shame and rage. I expect he'd do the same, he knows how I feel. 
I deleted OMs number and texts from my phone as I ended it, as we only ever text messaged. A bigger part of me loathes him than desires him, given this whole crazy situation that he was a part of. H is so hurt, and although I did it to him, this guy was okay with taking another man's wife and I cant respect that. 

I was trying to express how after an affair you have all these mad emotions, and alongside the guilt, confusion and hurt is this physical desire/memories of that exciting new sex you had. Although it is fading, that desire adds to the guilt I already feel. Its a whole gumbo of poo really.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

gumtree said:


> Re: H's mental illness, he has schizophrenia. He takes his meds religiously and controls it well, but life is still very hard for him and he gets depressed. I have supported him emotionally through some very tough times, coming close to hospitalisation once or twice. He is one of the kindest people I know, very intelligent with a great sense of humour, but it is hard for him to stay in employment, so I have always financially supported us too. If we can R I realise I need to define some boundaries for myself, including IC so my shoulders don't crack under the weight of his needs again. Whether we R or not, he needs to engage better with his therapy and doctors to get the right help staying on track. Because of the social stigma of the illness we have kept it quiet in our small town, which adds pressure to me. His social anxiety means getting out and having fun together falls by the wayside. It's tough, but I knew him long before we got together and did my research. I thought I could handle it.
> 
> Re: OM, I told him clearly in the last texts that I think he is a jerk and I am finished. He no longer attends that gym and last I heard he is leaving town for a new job sometime soon. I haven't seen him about and would bolt in the other direction if I did, for my shame and rage. I expect he'd do the same, he knows how I feel.
> I deleted OMs number and texts from my phone as I ended it, as we only ever text messaged. A bigger part of me loathes him than desires him, given this whole crazy situation that he was a part of. H is so hurt, and although I did it to him, this guy was okay with taking another man's wife and I cant respect that.
> ...


Before chipping in and I do note you seem remorseful take some hours to go through this thread here http://talkaboutmarriage.com/private-members-section/52532-i-cheated-my-husband-left.html

There will be differences about your situation but I would point any even fully remorseful wayward spouse to read through this. It may help and prepare you


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## gumtree (Jun 1, 2013)

Thanks Headspin, unfortunately that link denies me access... I'm not sure why?
Is that an excellent thread about the feelings of the BS, and how you have murdered the person that they thought they were married to? Because I found that threat a few weeks ago when I was browsing this forum and it gave me a lot of painful insight into what H is going through. 

Now every time I say something to him from my heart, I just wonder to myself if he even knows whether he can believe a word I say. A little voice in my own mind even hisses 'LIAR!!', given the way I deceived him over those few weeks of my affair/buildup to it when I was happy and bouncy and lying through my teeth to my trusting husband. I cant begin to imagine how confused he must be. Sigh.


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

> this guy was okay with taking another man's wife and I cant respect that.


this is irrelevant, and i hope you don't bring this up to your husband. 

the reason i say this, is because you weren't forced into anything..... you weren't tricked into anything. you knew full well where this was going. you even planned out the sexual romp at the cabin, so don't come at your husband with that BS. it sounds weak.


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## bugmenot (Jul 4, 2012)

Gumtree, is your husband talking to his counselors about this? Given the situation it seems like it would be more complicated for someone with his history. Are you going to counseling to see why this happened and to make sure it never happens again? 

You seem very remorseful but unfortunately in events like this - it is like throwing a stone in a pond - the stone may have sunk but the ripples will continue.


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## gumtree (Jun 1, 2013)

cledus_snow said:


> this is irrelevant, and i hope you don't bring this up to your husband.
> 
> the reason i say this, is because you weren't forced into anything..... you weren't tricked into anything. you knew full well where this was going. you even planned out the sexual romp at the cabin, so don't come at your husband with that BS. it sounds weak.


I don't think it is 'irrelevant' in that it reinforces my feelings of wanting no contact with the OM. I certainly wont be blaming any of this on anyone else. My marriage, I did it, I own it. But it doesn't mean I have to now like or respect the OM does it? 

I certainly was not forced and would never claim to be a victim here, I schemed and went along with a player for my own ego boost. I didn't see him like that at first, like I said I thought he was genuinely into me and was flattered, when he really fancied a NSA romp with a married older woman. When I examine the whole situation, I don't see him as a particularly honourable person. Is that wrong?


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## gumtree (Jun 1, 2013)

bugmenot said:


> Gumtree, is your husband talking to his counselors about this? Given the situation it seems like it would be more complicated for someone with his history. Are you going to counseling to see why this happened and to make sure it never happens again?
> 
> You seem very remorseful but unfortunately in events like this - it is like throwing a stone in a pond - the stone may have sunk but the ripples will continue.


He said that he has a good new doctor where he is staying now, but I don't yet know how engaged he is in counselling. This whole situation is 10x worse given his illness, which is killing me that I did this to someone with so much on his plate already. I havent yet got counselling, services in this town are limited. Once we have met again and talked some more, that's something to explore, especially if I can go through the mental health services that he uses, with a different counsellor. It was offered to me years ago when we were newly married and I thought I didn't need it, ha! 

Also I find after rattling about an empty house, holding a mirror to my inner self for the last 6 weeks that I have a pretty good grasp on how/why this happened. The only way it will never happen again is if we do try again, that we build a marriage where I can get support in coping with his illness and that I can set clear boundaries around my own needs so I don't feel consumed and suffocated and end up seeking cheap thrills as a form of escape.

These ripples may fade over years, or they could be a tsunami that wrecks this home. I hope and pray we can get through it, but the ball is in his court.


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## bugmenot (Jul 4, 2012)

That is the thing about the ripples after we betray someone - we have no idea how big they will be. From my experience your husband is changed forever - the blind trust in you will be gone - which maybe a healthier way to look at marriage. (I'm not sure) 

That is the thing I have seen about infidelity - it is like a natural disaster - it really is. It permanently damages a persons world. 

The thing is you are remorseful. I know people who are unremorseful serial cheaters or in one case the wife told her husband "Women have affairs everyday and their husbands get over it, why can't you?" Now that is like dropping buckets of gasoline on an out of control forrest fire. 

Despite the times and our more permissive attitudes I have come to the concluson that it's not just sex - sex is more meaningful than a mere physical release. (I learned that lesson the hard way)


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

gumtree said:


> I don't think it is 'irrelevant' in that it reinforces my feelings of wanting no contact with the OM. I certainly wont be blaming any of this on anyone else. My marriage, I did it, I own it. But it doesn't mean I have to now like or respect the OM does it?
> 
> I certainly was not forced and would never claim to be a victim here, I schemed and went along with a player for my own ego boost. I didn't see him like that at first, like I said I thought he was genuinely into me and was flattered, when he really fancied a NSA romp with a married older woman. When I examine the whole situation, I don't see him as a particularly honourable person. Is that wrong?


It doesn't matter what you think... It doesn't matter how you feel about the other man... Your betrayed husband won't care how you feel about him. The fact that you feel anything about him at all will remind your betrayed husband that you cheated on him and have feelings for him. You are upset because you got played or because you cheated?

Your husband can't help he was born with his condition and is doing his best to control it. It does not mean that he doesn't have feelings like everyone else and being cheated on is the worst thing that ever happened to many of us in or lives as it probably was for your husband.

Put away the me me me selfishness that lead you to cheating. You knew who your husband is and you chose to love him. You also chose to betray him. He may not be perfect but he chose to love you too. If you use the 'my life is hard' so I needed to cheat you will make him feel even worse. Your cheating is not about how hard your life is... It's about how you betrayed your husband and how you want to make amends. You betrayed the man you were supposed to love utterly and without care. Don't turn this into your own pity party he will hate you for it. Don't blame him!


As for your marriage to him, yes I understand how you have the world on your shoulders and you should work on MC and getting some help there. Don't mix these issues. IT is self serving to do so. You betrayed your husband so do you want to be in the marriage or have another fling with some other younger man...


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

What is it that you could have seen, in that you a 32 yr old woman, who is a caregiver, who is supposedly a mature, and responsible woman-----would see in a 20 yr old guy who doesn't even have a fully formed brain

How do you call a 20 yr old, a player---obviously you must have made it pretty clear to him, you were available for the taking, but cmon, a 20 yr old---what is your problem

Was your mge, that messed up, that you would turn to a 20 yr old to satisfy your needs and desires---and even now, you say, part of you still feels for him---what can this 20 yr have that would turn on a mature 32 yr old woman

I know I will hear from those that will state, 20 yr olds, can be just as desirable as anyone else---but surely not to a grown mature woman, unless she is desperate!!!!!!


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

i meant irrelevant in terms as to your reason for cheating. it's a given that he's a POS, but you're portraying him as predator and you the prey. 

furthermore, he's single. YOU ARE MARRIED!

the person you should be most disappointed and disgusted with is staring at you in the mirror.

you go on to say "taking another man's wife." how so, when you gave it to him WILLFULLY??? 


like i said, you knew full well what you were doing. he was going along for the ride just as you were. the only one being deceived here was your unsuspecting husband.

the point is, you were full aware of what kind of person this boy..... i mean, young man was. he took it as a conquest, while you took it as a diversion from your mundane marriage. 

it is what it is.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

gumtree said:


> He said that he has a good new doctor where he is staying now, but I don't yet know how engaged he is in counselling. This whole situation is 10x worse given his illness, which is killing me that I did this to someone with so much on his plate already. I havent yet got counselling, services in this town are limited. Once we have met again and talked some more, that's something to explore, especially if I can go through the mental health services that he uses, with a different counsellor. It was offered to me years ago when we were newly married and I thought I didn't need it, ha!
> 
> Also I find after rattling about an empty house, holding a mirror to my inner self for the last 6 weeks that I have a pretty good grasp on how/why this happened. The only way it will never happen again is if we do try again, that we build a marriage where I can get support in coping with his illness and that I can set clear boundaries around my own needs so I don't feel consumed and suffocated and end up seeking cheap thrills as a form of escape.
> 
> ...


Damn think its to do with needing to have posted 20 or 30 times I seem to recall 

Anyway, briefly tears' thread was a classic for all the wrong reasons.
She had a one night stand. That was it. Nobody diminished the act - it was and still very much is cheating one night or a thousand nights nomatter.

However unlike 90% of wayward spouses she completely owned it from the very first. She had it all - great husband life kids etc but found herself accepting this one off need for some thrill some excitement.

Having done it she fell into the pit of guilt and confessed up.

Husband was practically gone the next morning saying she'll hear from his solicitors. In reality it was all over in a few seconds really

Even on a thousand 'worse' stories of TAM it seemed somehow hard to believe she would not get a chance to reconcile. She did not do the usual gaslighting rug sweeping trickle truthing - all the things that make it a thousand times worse

She was so contrite and full of true remorse she won over many people where we all rooted for her and their reconciliation.

It went on for nearly a year and I think basically he effectively never spoke to her again and they are divorced and he is with somebody else at the last update 

It s a terrible tragedy. Yes she did indeed cheat but to be frank considering all the stories one gets on here it was nowhere near as bad as most 

Of course you feel like in a bizarre way blaming her husband for not giving it another shot but of course cannot for he has the right to deal with any kind of cheating as he sees fit.

For me 4 ddays and countless infidelities finally was enough but tears husband, for him, the one night stand was the equal of that and he made his exit and lets face it, that also takes a particular kind of courage 

Terrible consequences for all families and kids concerned and in a sense an unexpected outcome

You have to accept you may end up in the same boat. You do seem to be exhibiting the similar remorse and ownership of your deed so who knows

Read the thread when you have enough posts.

Take a box of tissues with you though !


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

> I certainly was not forced and would never claim to be a victim here, I schemed and went along with a player for my own ego boost. I didn't see him like that at first, like I said I thought he was genuinely into me and was flattered, when he really fancied a NSA romp with a married older woman. When I examine the whole situation, I don't see him as a particularly honorable person. Is that wrong?


What is honorable about having sex with a married person? Whats honorable about a spouse choosing to have sex with another person and betraying there spouse because they think "They Deserved It"??????

What did you think a 20yrs old man would want with you? He feed your EGO and you F$%^ED him. No other BU!!$!T naivety is needed to be said by you. ACCOUNTABILITY.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

In my book what you think about OM is very relevant, to you and will be very relevant to BH.
I don't feel you are shifting the blame on OM. You clearly stated the sense of entitlement you felt (BH didn't deserved it, but your felt deserving). I believe you now reject that entitlement and find unaceptable that level of selfishness. This is the right fame of mind. Still remorse don't grant second chances.

Keep reaching your husband, comunicate, be empathic and respectful.

Hoping you have your chance.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

The thought that goes through my mind if I was the Husband "You chose to cheat with someone who now disgusts you? What in the heck do you think of me?" Yeah, it did happen so I know.


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## bugmenot (Jul 4, 2012)

Plus his condition makes this a lot more complicated. I feel really bad for the guy.


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## here2learn (Aug 23, 2012)

gumtree said:


> I cheated with a 20yo guy from my gym who had a crush on me and paid me lots of attention. I realise now he's a player, but I thought he really liked me.


How is it relevant that you thought the OM "really liked" you? If you didn't consider him a jerk now, would the affair have been justified? Ongoing? It doesn't seem particularly relevant to the fact that you risked your marriage to cheat with the OM. 

What bodes well for you, compared to other cheaters I've read about on this site, is that you fessed up on your own volition. Much better than being caught, as it shows you have enough of a conscious to feel guilty about the decision you made. If you read enough stories on this site, you will see several examples of true reconciliation, but it requires a lot of heavy lifting.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Cheating whether its one time or hundred time is cheating. You cheated and lied, You crushed an already mentally ill person with a train. Now if he give you a second chance its a gift and if he didnt then the cheating was deal breaker and accept it and move on with your life.

But who is infertile?


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## bugmenot (Jul 4, 2012)

After rereading the posts I've been thinking about your situation and given your husbands mental health history, do you think confession was the best way to go? I am all for being honest but in this particular case perhaps it would have been more merciful to keep this from him. 

I do wish you the bestin helping your husband through this.


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## here2learn (Aug 23, 2012)

FWIW, gumtree, I'm pulling for you. You do seem remorseful and capable of learning from this mistake.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

gumtree said:


> I don't think it is 'irrelevant' in that it reinforces my feelings of wanting no contact with the OM. I certainly wont be blaming any of this on anyone else. My marriage, I did it, I own it. But it doesn't mean I have to now like or respect the OM does it?
> 
> I certainly was not forced and would never claim to be a victim here, I schemed and went along with a player for my own ego boost. I didn't see him like that at first, like I said *I thought he was genuinely into me and was flattered,* when he really fancied a NSA romp with a married older woman. When I examine the whole situation, I don't see him as a particularly honourable person. Is that wrong?


I've bolded a very important issue. You haven't dealt with the most important aspect of this....WHY? Why did you do it.

I get the feeling if OM WAS genuinely into you and wanted a LTR, your husband would be thrown to the curb. This isn't good.

You sound like you'd be willing to give up on your husband if another OM comes along who is TRULY into you.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

gumtree said:


> I don't think it is 'irrelevant' in that it reinforces my feelings of wanting no contact with the OM. I certainly wont be blaming any of this on anyone else. My marriage, I did it, I own it. But it doesn't mean I have to now like or respect the OM does it?
> 
> I certainly was not forced and would never claim to be a victim here, I schemed and went along with a player for my own ego boost. I didn't see him like that at first, like I said I thought he was genuinely into me and was flattered, when he really fancied a NSA romp with a married older woman. When I examine the whole situation, *I don't see him as a particularly honourable person.* Is that wrong?



If he was an honorable person, then what? You're 32, he's 20. Eventually that age gap becomes significant.

I get that you own the affair. But your husband's condition does not get better with time and, in fact, will more likely degrade over the decades. Then what?

You took on a heavy load when you married him. You broke. Now the load is even heavier with the ONS added on.

You're in a tough situation. You need friends you can talk to or support you. Is there a support group near you?


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## bugmenot (Jul 4, 2012)

:iagree: Gum - in all honesty is there a part of you that is exhausted by this marriage, given H's condition, and may want out? I'm not saying you would act on it - but you need to ask yourself what it is you truly want.


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## Drea83 (Apr 23, 2013)

Hi, I just wanted you to know I kind of did the same with OM. From what I have read and talked about in counseling, I think as long as you truly feel remorse, it will be ok. Also, accept the terrible mistake but don't be so hard on yourself.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

Edited away.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

bugmenot said:


> Drea would you expect your H to be hard on himself if he did the same thing?





Drea83 said:


> First, I tried to blame him because *he cheated on me at the beginning of our relationship *and was out of town a lot for work.


fyi: he did do the same thing.


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

Hey Gumtree,

I like you. I wish my cheating wife had been as honest with me as you've been with your husband. If nothing else the truth you've given him. Even being honest to his questions on all the details of your adultery will at the very least give him closure. You done something wrong but you do seem to be doing the right things now. Am sorry if it doesn't lead to reconciliation but it does seem that if you continue to be honest with him you can be friends with him and save the memories he has of the good times.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

KevinScotland said:


> Hey Gumtree,
> 
> I like you. I wish my cheating wife had been as honest with me as you've been with your husband. If nothing else the truth you've given him. Even being honest to his questions on all the details of your adultery will at the very least give him closure. You done something wrong but you do seem to be doing the right things now. Am sorry if it doesn't lead to reconciliation but it does seem that if you continue to be honest with him you can be friends with him and save the memories he has of the good times.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Couldn't agree more - if only they were all like this. There would be more genuine healthy reconciliations and a better aftermath in general
____

btw Kevin how is it all with you now?


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

Thinkin more about it. He needs to trust you again and 100% honest is your best chance. Am probably even sure he understands he can be a burden because of his illness. He can get past this affair I think.

You giving him 100% no hesitation honesty even though you know it might never fix your marriage and you could end up the loser, that's love your showing right there. And if it's true and genuine I firmly believe it will come through and he'll start to trust again and then the healing will begin.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

Headspin said:


> Couldn't agree more - if only they were all like this. There would be more genuine healthy reconciliations and a better aftermath in general
> ____
> 
> btw Kevin how is it all with you now?


Hey friend,

I actually came on here to continue my own thread to let everyone know how great am doing and there is a life after divorce because I didn't think most people followed up on the situations so people can see its not all doom and gloom and I got caught up in a few other threads .... Lol .... Am doing well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

For me this site was a god send. (Not that I believe in that).

People who know how you really feel with no motives than just sharing there own experiences.

Long may it continue.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

Ask him what his terms are/would be to reconcile. 

Don't hold anything back. Learn to be a complete open book with him and ask for the same from him. 

No more gym, even if OM isn't there. Setup a home gym or something like that. Even you going to a gym is bound to be a trigger for your H.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

Ovid said:


> Ask him what his terms are/would be to reconcile.
> 
> Don't hold anything back. Learn to be a complete open book with him and ask for the same from him.
> 
> No more gym, even if OM isn't there. Setup a home gym or something like that. Even you going to a gym is bound to be a trigger for your H.


that trigger comment is key. You need to pay attention to this advice. If you insist on going to a gym, every time you leave you are sending him back to thinking of you and the other man.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

gumtree said:


> What I did was so selfish, although I felt justified at the time, which is why I went ahead and did it. I even said to OM *"(H's name) doesn't deserve this. But I do."*


I have to say that this is one of the frankest admissions I've ever read on here. It takes character to admit to something like that.

You have a long hard road ahead; you'll have to be there for him though his anger, his despair, his apathy. 

I hope it works out for you both.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

Something you should know about triggers. If you set one off it feels like Dday just happened for the BS. In this case going to a gym will send you back to square one.

Unfortunately you won't know every trigger. They will be things that the BS has linked to your A. He won't know every trigger.

Two obvious triggers to avoid:
1. Going to the gym.
2. Going away for me time.

Also throw away any clothes that will remind your H of Dday or the A. 
1. Gym clothes.
2. What you were wearing when you told him.
3. What you wore when you went out for that me time.


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## gumtree (Jun 1, 2013)

bugmenot said:


> Despite the times and our more permissive attitudes I have come to the concluson that it's not just sex - sex is more meaningful than a mere physical release. (I learned that lesson the hard way)


You hit the nail on the head. Although I was attracted to the OM _because_ he was young, carefree and very physically attractive, if he hadn't shown a genuine interest in me as a person I would not have been tempted. I never saw him as real relationship material due to his age, I'm not that deluded. But I guess on some level I thought he was a 'safer' bet than a man my own age who could potentially leave my H for. I didn't realized before the act that I would feel such guilt and need to confess. I kidded myself I'd do it, have some great sex and feel good, end it and return to my marriage refreshed. Unfortunately it just doesn't work like that and the aftermath is a sh**storm. 

I was trying to meet emotional needs as well as physical definitely. Sex has never been a purely physical act to me, so if my feelings had not been stirred then I wouldn't have done it. Cant undo it now though and it was supremely selfish.


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## bugmenot (Jul 4, 2012)

gumtree said:


> You hit the nail on the head. Although I was attracted to the OM _because_ he was young, carefree and very physically attractive, if he hadn't shown a genuine interest in me as a person I would not have been tempted. I never saw him as real relationship material due to his age, I'm not that deluded. But I guess on some level I thought he was a 'safer' bet than a man my own age who could potentially leave my H for. I didn't realized before the act that I would feel such guilt and need to confess. I kidded myself I'd do it, have some great sex and feel good, end it and return to my marriage refreshed. Unfortunately it just doesn't work like that and the aftermath is a sh**storm.
> 
> I was trying to meet emotional needs as well as physical definitely. Sex has never been a purely physical act to me, so if my feelings had not been stirred then I wouldn't have done it. Cant undo it now though and it was supremely selfish.


You seem remorseful and can try to pick up the pieces but based on my experience (even if the couple reconciles) the betrayed partner is never the same. A jaded view of the world sets in. I think in someways it is better to never trust 100% again. All you can do is the heavy lifting and hope for the best. I'm sure you agree that even though you had unmet needs the affair was 100% your doing.

Plus we have a popular culture that condones affairs - particularly women's infidelity. All this permissiveness just ends up being destructive. It's sad really.


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## bugmenot (Jul 4, 2012)

gumtree said:


> You hit the nail on the head. Although I was attracted to the OM _because_ he was young, carefree and very physically attractive, if he hadn't shown a genuine interest in me as a person I would not have been tempted. I never saw him as real relationship material due to his age, I'm not that deluded. But I guess on some level I thought he was a 'safer' bet than a man my own age who could potentially leave my H for. I didn't realized before the act that I would feel such guilt and need to confess. I kidded myself I'd do it, have some great sex and feel good, end it and return to my marriage refreshed. Unfortunately it just doesn't work like that and the aftermath is a sh**storm.
> 
> I was trying to meet emotional needs as well as physical definitely. Sex has never been a purely physical act to me, so if my feelings had not been stirred then I wouldn't have done it. Cant undo it now though and it was supremely selfish.


You say a man closer to your own age would have tempted you to leave your H. Do you want to leave him on some level?


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## redtulips (Jul 22, 2012)

Looking through this I'd say... make a once and for all sorta decision if you really really want to be with your h or not. If there's a part of you that doesnt want it this is gonna happen again. Take this opportunity to KNOW so you can commit that course with your whole heart. There's nothing wrong with wanting out and doing that the honorable way..


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

bugmenot said:


> You seem remorseful and can try to pick up the pieces but based on my experience (even if the couple reconciles) the betrayed partner is never the same. A jaded view of the world sets in. I think in someways it is better to never trust 100% again. All you can do is the heavy lifting and hope for the best. I'm sure you agree that even though you had unmet needs the affair was 100% your doing.
> 
> Plus we have a popular culture that condones affairs - particularly women's infidelity. All this permissiveness just ends up being destructive. It's sad really.


:iagree:

You do sound remorseful, but the issue is beyond your control now. You made your choices, now your BH gets as much time as he needs to make his choices.

It seems most BS want immediate R. It marinates in their soul for a long time. It usually ends in a D.

Not saying this to hurt you more. Just know that he will probably need a long time to process this. He might need several months to realize that he wants out. It took me 8 months to jump ship on my exWW.

You do owe it to him to be patient. You owe it to him to peacefully let him go if he choses that path in the future.


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## bugmenot (Jul 4, 2012)

Lovemytruck said:


> :iagree:
> 
> You do sound remorseful, but the issue is beyond your control now. You made your choices, now your BH gets as much time as he needs to make his choices.
> 
> ...


I wonder what percentage of WS spouses are remorseful at all. Even some of the ones whoo have some remorse still cling to their excuse that the "marriage was in disrepair" - perhaps that is true but it is no reason to totally destroy another human being. It seems to me from reading this boards people do not get over their spouses affairs 2 and 3 decades later. Scary and sad.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Is this your first instance of infidelity?

Were you ever cheated on?

Who paid for the cabin?




> What I did was so selfish, although I felt justified at the time, which is why I went ahead and did it. I even said to OM "(H's name) doesn't deserve this. But I do."


What's with the entitlement with many women these days? The unintended side effect of Modern feminism ?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Your post has your reason for cheating and everything, but its missing the answer to why your husband should come back and give you another chance?

What's in it for him? What can/do you offer him?


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## gumtree (Jun 1, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> Your post has your reason for cheating and everything, but its missing the answer to why your husband should come back and give you another chance?
> 
> What's in it for him? What can/do you offer him?


That's a good question, and I guess he needs to find that answer for himself as well. If he feels I'm worth another shot despite this, then what I offer is our homesteading life together, which I know he loved, despite his depression he did good work around the place and found it fulfilling. I will continue to support him emotionally and financially, work on our property and hope we can find enjoyment in each others company once again. I'm prepared to go all out, give him all my passwords, check in whenever needed, whatever he needs to reassure him. I just don't know if we can make it, but I want to try. 

I am scared he feels that he has no other options relationship-wise, given his health, and will take me back because he feels worthless and sees this as his only option. That's absolutely not the truth, but he may feel it. Perhaps he will do as previously posted - come back and it will fester and he will leave a year down the track. I don't know, but that's his right and my job to give my all to show him that I am willing to do anything until that time comes. 

Someone asked if perhaps I was exhausted and this was an exit affair. He asked me this, and I've asked myself this. I think in some ways it was. I never really thought that I wanted our marriage to end, but even if he is willing to chance it, some things would need to change because I cant go on the way we were or we'll break down in some way again. I was exhausted and had expressed this to him many times, but it seemed there was little he could or would do. I am NOT justifying the ONS - at the time I felt justified, but that illusion passed very quickly. I know that was the stupidest and most hurtful way I could have done things though. Hindsight is always 20/20. It sucks. I should have requested separation time to rebuild our marriage before I took a wrecking ball to it, but I didn't. Now I am left wondering if we have the will or the tools to rebuild, but only time will tell. I am willing if he'll have me. 

I want to thank many of the posters who have given me a lot to consider, and some good advice of ways to offer him what he might need at this point. I'll keep you posted.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

gumtree said:


> That's a good question, and I guess he needs to find that answer for himself as well. If he feels I'm worth another shot despite this, then what I offer is our homesteading life together, which I know he loved, despite his depression he did good work around the place and found it fulfilling. I will continue to support him emotionally and financially, work on our property and hope we can find enjoyment in each others company once again. I'm prepared to go all out, give him all my passwords, check in whenever needed, whatever he needs to reassure him. I just don't know if we can make it, but I want to try.
> 
> I am scared he feels that he has no other options relationship-wise, given his health, and will take me back because he feels worthless and sees this as his only option. That's absolutely not the truth, but he may feel it. Perhaps he will do as previously posted - come back and it will fester and he will leave a year down the track. I don't know, but that's his right and my job to give my all to show him that I am willing to do anything until that time comes.
> 
> ...


The question I have for you is - do you still love and respect him as a husband? It seems that you care for him and feel remorse for hurting him but do you love him like wife should love a husband? This question is not meant as a put down but you seem to be able to accept it if he walks away. Is his condition more than you bargained for?


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## gumtree (Jun 1, 2013)

Truthseeker1 said:


> The question I have for you is - do you still love and respect him as a husband? It seems that you care for him and feel remorse for hurting him but do you love him like wife should love a husband? This question is not meant as a put down but you seem to be able to accept it if he walks away. Is his condition more than you bargained for?


Sigh, I really don't know at the moment, trying to sort through all my emotions (let alone his) at this time is a hideously huge task. And as to 'as a wife should love a husband'? That's the most painful question right now - I don't have any close examples of happy marriages in my life to reference...can you tell me please? 

All I know is that he is kind, loyal (things I was definitely not recently), intelligent, handsome, hardworking within his capacity and I love him. I lost desire for him through being his caregiver, but I still see he's attractive and I believe I could regain my passion for him if I ever get the chance. I love his cuddles, I love his smile and I love working with him. He is/was my best friend. And I sh&* on him. 

Yes, his condition is a LOT more than I bargained for. This pain is only now pouring out because I have pushed it down over our entire marriage and not confided in people because I dont want them to think less of him or see that private side of him, he is ashamed of it because he knows how much potential he had as a youth. I love the man, but I HATE the illness. It is a thief and a liar and a destroyer and I HATE watching this wonderful man suffer every day and no-one is able to 'fix' it. It's like watching someone die of a terminal illness but it lasts a whole lifetime. I also want to be there for him if he will let me now, because no-one knows it like I do. I prepared myself fairly well as much as I could, but from early days in a realtionship you cant see how each day of it stacks up over years and wears you both down. As I started to withdraw to protect myself from going under, he became more depressed. A vicious cycle. 

If if if...I access more support in the future instead of trying to be wonder-woman and be everything to one person, I think I could cope a lot better. I hope he will allow me the chance, because I really cant imagine sharing my life with anyone else. Pity I couldn't see all this before...you don't appreciate what you have until it's gone.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

gumtree said:


> Sigh, I really don't know at the moment, trying to sort through all my emotions (let alone his) at this time is a hideously huge task. And as to 'as a wife should love a husband'? That's the most painful question right now - I don't have any close examples of happy marriages in my life to reference...can you tell me please?
> 
> All I know is that he is kind, loyal (things I was definitely not recently), intelligent, handsome, hardworking within his capacity and I love him. I lost desire for him through being his caregiver, but I still see he's attractive and I believe I could regain my passion for him if I ever get the chance. I love his cuddles, I love his smile and I love working with him. He is/was my best friend. And I sh&* on him.
> 
> ...


Being a caretaker in any marriage changes the dynamics. You said you also financially support the both of you right? So it sounds to me not like a partnership but one where you have the lions share of the responsibility for everything. How is your sex life with him? Does that suffer too?

Given his condition - I can't imagine what the affair must have done to his psyche. If you could do it over would you not tell him about the affair? I'm all for truth but this seems like a unique circumstance.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

gumtree,

It seems to me that the "extra weight" of your husbands mental illness is more, or less why you chose to cheat.

If he takes you back, what changes?..

He's going to need the same level of support from you that he had before the ONS. If anything, the amount of support is only going to increase as time goes on.

In 5, 10, or 15 years time, what's going to prevent this from re-occurring?...

You say that he's in a bad way because of what you've done. You're in a bad way because of what you've done. If this happens again in 10 years, what do you think he'll do? What do you think you'll do?

If he decides to take you back, you really need to think about what will happen if you were to cheat again and he finds out about it. From you, or otherwise.

I had no mental, or physical illness when I found out at 33 years of age. I was very close to taking my own life. 

If he decides to take you back, you need to be absolutely understand what he might do if he finds out that you cheated again...


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## gumtree (Jun 1, 2013)

Cheating AGAIN is not an option, that's something this whole mess has taught me. It has been the most painful experience of our lives. If I ever got that worn down again I would ask to separate having given my best to work through things rather than looking outside the marriage. Again, I CHOSE to cheat, my exhaustion didn't make me do it. But it was a factor in my poor decision. 

But what would need to change if we were to try again? This is what I've been going over for 6 weeks. I feel like its going to be hard to ask for MY needs, after I have trampled over his, but I guess its the only way if we try R. We'll need to discuss when he comes home for a while and is willing to try again (on top of my heavy lifting affairwise):

1) He needs to engage and lean more on therapy and mental health doctors, not always me. I need individual counseling regularly, forever, to stay on top of my feelings about his illness. 

2) We need to work out together, for our health and sanity. Not at a gym, but at home, hiking, something/anything. He doesn't exercise but I believe it would help with the depression and it's attractive to be in good shape. 

3) He needs a part time job, something light, minimal hours, which he can consistently cope with, so that he can contribute financially. That would improve my respect for him, and him for himself. 

4) We need to pay more attention to each other in romantic ways. Without any romance, just hard slog, my attraction withered (his for me did too, although less so).

5) When he is at home, he needs to sleep more with his meds. I accept that, but he would have to make getting up and doing some housework each day a priority. I don't need a spotless house, but the place was a tip with him in it all day and it made me ashamed and distressed to come home and clean it up when I had the energy. I hate nagging.

6) I needed him to be my Man, not my child. To make decisions for us sometimes instead of leaving it all to me. I know he is capable, because he used to in the early days, but the dynamic changed somehow. I need him to hold me firmly and tell me I'm sexy once in a while, let me cry on his shoulder sometimes without making it about him, comfort me.

Its quite a list and I don't know if its doable. Time will tell.


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> gumtree,
> 
> It seems to me that the "extra weight" of your husbands mental illness is more, or less why you chose to cheat...


That's just complete rubbish you've just said.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

You're not still a member of the gym where you met the other man, I hope? Please say you started working out at home.

If my wife met her 20-year-old boy toy who she "deserved" to have sex with at the gym, you can be sure that I wouldn't be attempting to reconcile if she was still going to that gym or any other.


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

gumtree said:


> Cheating AGAIN is not an option, that's something this whole mess has taught me. It has been the most painful experience of our lives. If I ever got that worn down again I would ask to separate having given my best to work through things rather than looking outside the marriage. Again, I CHOSE to cheat, my exhaustion didn't make me do it. But it was a factor in my poor decision.
> 
> But what would need to change if we were to try again? This is what I've been going over for 6 weeks. I feel like its going to be hard to ask for MY needs, after I have trampled over his, but I guess its the only way if we try R. We'll need to discuss when he comes home for a while and is willing to try again (on top of my heavy lifting affairwise):
> 
> ...


To be honest after reading that I think YOU should not bother with a reconciliation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gumtree (Jun 1, 2013)

KevinScotland said:


> To be honest after reading that I think YOU should not bother with a reconciliation.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's the dirty laundry list Kevin, and many marriages experience some of those problems...there were good things in our marriage too, I don't mean to undermine them. He is a good person. I have to accept responsibility for being too controlling, not addressing these problems earlier on before I decided to cheat. I just pretended everything was fine until it wasn't. 

We laughed together and worked on our property together and had hopes and plans for the future. He repaired the crappy old house we have, fenced our paddocks, dug gardens etc. He worked slowly, but doggedly, learning new skills. 

The tragic nature of schizophrenia is that it severely handicaps a person mentally, physically and emotionally, even when you can see the old them shine through. They know they are damaged and that depresses them more. 
But this is an infidelity forum, not a mental health support forum, sorry to lecture on the subject everyone!


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Ovid said:


> Something you should know about triggers. If you set one off it feels like Dday just happened for the BS. In this case going to a gym will send you back to square one.
> 
> Unfortunately you won't know every trigger. They will be things that the BS has linked to your A. He won't know every trigger.
> 
> ...


Oh, Ovid!


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

gumtree said:


> But this is an infidelity forum, not a mental health support forum, sorry to lecture on the subject everyone!


Stay in this topic, else this will seem like blamshifting!


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

The mental health issue is a difficult one to get to grips with

I am almost the opposite side of your coin gumtree.

Although not as pointedly conflicted as schizophrenia my stbx suffers/ed severely from Borderline and bits of Bipolar and Narcis. A lot of her issues actually gave her the 'tools' to become a serial cheat with nil remorse at all.

You are on the receiving end as I was but never did I feel at any point a 'way out' if you like was to seek another woman even on an emotional level

I think you do realize if you are so conflicted with this and have become more carer than spouse then you have to make a proper decision based on that and not look for an inbetween - "I can have that on the outside" whilst of course your husband suffers your decisions

Like you I can relate to hating the illness and not the person but in the final analysis I fully realized that was always her get out card so ion the end as she chose to annihilate everything in our lives my sympathy for it was zero

Living with somebody who suffers from any severe mental problems is not an easy path so although it does not excuse you I can empathize with your plight


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Headspin has made some good points for you to consider Gumtree, IMHO.

I am closely associated to a former caregiver, and was sort of one myself. My friend had some of the same issues that you are dealing with. She was married and acting as a sole caregiver for about 7-8 years with a husband severly stricken with health problems. He had brain bleeding that left him very mentally slow in addition to his inability to walk, eat, control his bodily functions, etc. She had an affair with a neighbor for a little more than a year during the last part of her marriage. It almost destroyed her.

She ended the A with the OM and decided to D. In hindsight, she had to save her sanity by moving on. The A was a very bad choice, but it did force her to make a choice because of the guilt.

Several years have past. She has worked through the guilt and is doing much better. One of the sweetest, most grateful women I have ever met. The D was a good thing for her. 

My point is that we sometimes do the worst things in response to difficult circumstances. Look at what you can control, and who your are. Think about the big picture. Too much giving or too much selfishness are both destructive. The extreme of either will be devestating to you.

Maybe this is the time that will help you choose a new path. Read TAM posts about R. It is generally the consensus that R is harder than D, especially for the betrayed (like me). 

It might be wise to D. 

It would allow him to heal without you reminding him of your infidelity. It might be good for you to start over and learn from your choices.

Good luck!


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

Lovemytruck said:


> Headspin has made some good points for you to consider Gumtree, IMHO.
> 
> I am closely associated to a former caregiver, and was sort of one myself. My friend had some of the same issues that you are dealing with. She was married and acting as a sole caregiver for about 7-8 years with a husband severly stricken with health problems. He had brain bleeding that left him very mentally slow in addition to his inability to walk, eat, control his bodily functions, etc. She had an affair with a neighbor for a little more than a year during the last part of her marriage. It almost destroyed her.
> 
> ...


Um, okay, not to threadjack but how is the husband in that situation doing now? Support and lifestyle-wise. I mean, okay it's a god thing to save her sanity, but it seems a tad cold(more like freezing) to cheat and divorce an incapacitated spouse. Worse if they don't have anybody that will help them anymore.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Dear gumtree,

I am very impressed with your posts, not only because you express genuine remorse for your infidelity but because you have made the effort to understand why you cheated. Most of all, however, I am impressed by your honesty about and willingness to discuss the problems of being the primary care-giver to you husband, including how it drained you and what needs to change if the two of you decide to attempt to reconcile.

You sound like a person who has a big heart and a good head on your shoulders, and who is strong emotionally. These are wonderful qualities. Yes, you did something really awful but you fessed up and are prepared to fix it if given the chance and, if given the chance, I believe you will succeed.

I wish you well, whether you husband decides to give you another chance (I hope he does) or not. I will be praying for you.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Your H has said that he can't come home because your A has ruined it for him. Given his illness, I'm assuming that this was where he felt safe and loved. He has agreed to return soon to talk. Perhaps you can try to discern what you can do to make the homestead feel more welcoming for him. Can you ask him if there's anything you can do?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Have you considered that your cheating has permanently shattered him and any trust he had ?

It doesn't matter that you say you don't cheat again. You also said that when you got married, but in time you decided you would have an affair, and not just a moment of passion, but a deliberate and planned hook up.

You should consider that given how important it was for him to trust someone, that its now going to be gone. 

If it is gone for him, you should respect him enough to let him be free to find a new home and new safe place.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> gumtree,
> It seems to me that the "extra weight" of your husbands mental illness is more, or less why you chose to cheat.





KevinScotland said:


> That's just complete rubbish you've just said.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks for your opinion.

You can go back to high fiving and patting the OP on the back now...


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Shadow_Nirvana said:


> Um, okay, not to threadjack but how is the husband in that situation doing now? Support and lifestyle-wise. I mean, okay it's a god thing to save her sanity, but it seems a tad cold(more like freezing) to cheat and divorce an incapacitated spouse. Worse if they don't have anybody that will help them anymore.


No harm. It is a complex situation. The ex husband refuses to get routine assistance, but his family is still there for him. It sounds cold, but almost everyone that knows about the big picture is amazed the she dealt with it as long as she did. This includes part of his family, mutal friends, and neighbors.

The point for Gumtree is that we must take care of ourselves in order to love someone else. We almost always tell that to the BS. It might be true for the WS in certain situations. It does NOT justify an A, but it might be a factor in their poor choice.


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> Thanks for your opinion.
> 
> You can go back to high fiving and patting the OP on the back now...


Dunno what an OP is but I think we can all agree that the marriage vows "in sickness and in health " covers that statement.

Maybe it's just me but the love I had for my wife there would have been nothing that would have made me cheat.

All that's required to cheat is opportunity.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

gumtree said:


> That's the dirty laundry list Kevin, and many marriages experience some of those problems...there were good things in our marriage too, I don't mean to undermine them. He is a good person. I have to accept responsibility for being too controlling, not addressing these problems earlier on before I decided to cheat. I just pretended everything was fine until it wasn't.
> 
> We laughed together and worked on our property together and had hopes and plans for the future. He repaired the crappy old house we have, fenced our paddocks, dug gardens etc. He worked slowly, but doggedly, learning new skills.
> 
> ...


Am not trying to have a go at you but I think you've listed alot of reasons there why ya need to ask yourself honest if you want to remain in a marriage like that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Gumtree.

Your 32. The guy you had the affair with is 20. You should have known that right from the get go that the guy would have walked through glass in bare feet for a chance to get a freebee romp with you. At 32, you should have known that if you would have removed the top of that kids head and looked inside, it would have looked like an adult book store. Most 20 year old guys live, breath, sleep and eat for sex and like the spider to the fly, you fell right in his web. Where was your head? 

How in the world do you think this is going to help his mental illness? You can only shovel so many meds into a person unless you want him to be a zombie. Do you think that he, with his mental issues, is going to be able to get past this? You knew he had this problem before you got married to him didn't you? If that's the case then you had to know that you would be traveling a rougher road than most. Point is, if it was too much, then you should have separated or divorced. Yeah it would have hurt your husband, but no to this degree for what you did. I hope you can salvage your marriage but you know that after this that road is going to be a lot rougher then it was before.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

KevinScotland said:


> Dunno what an OP is but I think we can all agree that the marriage vows "in sickness and in health " covers that statement._Posted via Mobile Device_


OP = Other Person.



KevinScotland said:


> Maybe it's just me but the love I had for my wife *there would have been nothing that would have made me cheat.*
> 
> *All that's required to cheat is opportunity.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


From what you just wrote, all that's required for YOU to cheat is opportunity.

You just haven't had the right opportunity yet.


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> OP = Other Person.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


No that was a quote that was said to me on here by someone that made alot of sense when I was trying to workout why my wife had an affair. It was in the context where I was still at the stage of blaming myself for my wife's infidelity and couldn't grasp that some people don't need any deep reason to cheat just opportunity.

My first statement still holds true "NOTHING would have made me cheat" I was a better or worse, sickness and in health kinda guy. I wasn't gonna do that to someone who I was in love with and married too.

To be honest with ya I don't think it's very sensible to pick out individual words or sentences without taking the whole post into context. Anyone can do that. And I don't believe it serves any purpose to the threat. It's just someone nitpicking to try and make themselves out to be important.

It's more of an YAAA thing.

Thanks for clarifying an OP
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

6301 said:


> Gumtree.
> 
> Your 32. The guy you had the affair with is 20. You should have known that right from the get go that the guy would have walked through glass in bare feet for a chance to get a freebee romp with you. At 32, you should have known that if you would have removed the top of that kids head and looked inside, it would have looked like an adult book store. Most 20 year old guys live, breath, sleep and eat for sex and like the spider to the fly, you fell right in his web. Where was your head?


She already explained the reasons she chose this particular AP. She even told she believed that OM being so young made him a safe choice as there's was no future, she self deluded she could manage the aftermath yet her guilt, the shame made her eventually confess. She believed served a break, she doesn't claim being seduced or being a victim. She mistoke bravado for strength.


> How in the world do you think this is going to help his mental illness?


It was all about her, that was the point!! She never thought about how could this affect him becuase he would never now! She miscalculated how this could impact her and him and thn the marriage altogether. She clearly owns that, the last thing she thought was about how could this affect anyone.

It's not I'm going to validate OP's choices but if you had to live this nightmare and you were thinking on R I'd love to had this particular flawor of wayward as she's doing the right things and possess the right mindset for a potential R.
She owns everything, make no excuses. I believe her remorse is genuine, she's empathetic to her husband. She rejects her own actions.
She's willing to endure the hard work of recovery but still understands the marriage would be unsustainable mid/long term without some effort from both sides, which is perfectly understandable given the reality of her husband illness taught her since they met. I don't feel it comes from a place of entitlement, rather the contrary, it comes from humility and love. She can't afford to have unrealistic expectations.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

KevinScotland said:


> No that was a quote that was said to me on here by someone that made alot of sense when I was trying to workout why my wife had an affair. It was in the context where I was still at the stage of blaming myself for my wife's infidelity and couldn't grasp that some people don't need any deep reason to cheat just opportunity.
> 
> My first statement still holds true "NOTHING would have made me cheat" I was a better or worse, sickness and in health kinda guy. I wasn't gonna do that to someone who I was in love with and married too.
> 
> ...


OK, I misunderstood the context of what you wrote.

Thank you.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Acabado said:


> It's not I'm going to validate OP's choices but if you had to live this nightmare and you were thinking on R I'd love to had this particular flawor of wayward as she's doing the right things and possess the right mindset for a potential R.
> She owns everything, make no excuses. I believe her remorse is genuine, she's empathetic to her husband. She rejects her own actions.
> She's willing to endure the hard work of recovery but still understands the marriage would be unsustainable mid/long term without some effort from both sides, which is perfectly understandable given the reality of her husband illness taught her since they met. I don't feel it comes from a place of entitlement, rather the contrary, it comes from humility and love. She can't afford to have unrealistic expectations.


I tend to agree with this assumption about Gumtree.

Gumtree, are you still with us? If so, I am kind of wondering why you want R. I know you stated your reasons, but it really feels like you were looking for an exit affair. Now that you are split from you husband, and he has been devastated, what is your motive for wanting back in?

You don't need to answer me, but I would think this is the point you should resolve in your mind.

As a BH, I would think that it would be easier to heal for him if you just peacefully let him go. It seems that he wants that. I would bet he will have deep doubts and pain about this for years. I actually felt that a D was the best way for me to heal.

The problem we face besides the "why" is the discovery that we were not loved as deeply as we gave it. He will resent it. It will be a question that will always haunt his soul. Been there.

My challenge to you is to sacrifice your wants for his. You owe him that. You also need to decide why you would do this to someone you love. Do you really love him? It doesn't appear that you do. Not a dig, just a reality. Be honest about that with yourself. 

Please don't drag him through more drama because you are afraid of D.


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> OK, I misunderstood the context of what you wrote.
> 
> Thank you.


That's ok. Hope alls well with yourself. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

johnAdams said:


> So true. That feeling never goes away. For the rest of his life he will know that you do not love him as much as he onetime thought. You may love him and he you but he will always know and it will forever eat at his soul.


Yea that really hits home to me. I'd always hoped for reconciliation when my wife had her affair. People even told me she was no good and a right selfish piece of work. But in the early stages of me finding out the lost feeling I just wanted her back. But now time has past I realise I could never have totally forgot what happened. Questions and wondering would never have gave me the secure feeling in a marriage I'd have wanted.

Such a good post that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gumtree (Jun 1, 2013)

Mistook bravado for strength. Word perfect.

I'm still here, I really appreciate all the posts. 

I am so confused about what is the best outcome from this whole mess - either sucks. I just have to wait until H and I have a chance to talk properly - because as helpful as this forum is, at the end of the day it's about him and me and we have to weigh up all the factors and determine the outcome. 

Whatever happens, pain is guaranteed as a result of my stupid decisions, but I pray that if needed our last act of love will be to communicate honestly about whether we can rebuild this marriage or whether it's better to let it go. If that's what he truly wants, I wont pressure him to stay. I made my bed, I will have to lie in it. I will never forget the fact that I was the lowest sort of person and destroyed the trusting love a good man had for me, and wreaked havoc on his psyche when I promised to love him in sickness and in health. I also don't know how I'll ever get past this in myself.

If he goes it will be painful in the extreme, but its actually about his needs now.

Yes, I wanted an exit from what our marriage had become. No, I didn't want an exit from the marriage we could have had if we had both worked on it harder. Obviously he isn't to blame for my affair, but he played a part in the state we got into, illness or not. SO yes, I have to own that in a screwed up way that I forced drastic changes into my life. I think it was a subconscious coin toss, as harsh as that sounds. 

There were many times I tried to engage with him and get back the love we'd had, but he wouldn't or couldn't meet me halfway. I SHOULD have confessed the attraction early on and explained to him my temptation around unmet needs, or asked for separation, but I was so busy papering over the cracks.

I truly wanted H to try and meet my needs, not someone else and I practically begged. I felt quite desperate before I acted on my crush, I felt my marriage slipping away behind me. H noticed me change, trying really hard with him, he's since commented on it.

After the ONS, but before he knew, we tried to talk about our marriage, he KNEW something was badly wrong. I wanted us to get counselling and discuss things, but I was being a total hypocrite to try and 'work on the marriage' after going behind his back. That's when I confessed and our world ended. 

Should I have never told him? Maybe. I wonder that every day, but whats done is done.

Thank you all for your wisdom and the viewpoints from BSs especially. I will let you know the outcome in a few weeks, in the meantime I'll pop back and keep reading any further input.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Being honest was the best thing you could have done. Don't doubt that. Living with the truth hidden away in your gut would have rotted your soul. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

I have the feeling that most people on this thread have no concept of what schizophrenia is........

It is profound.....

It is all consuming.....

It is forever....

There is no time out.....

no swings to a GOOD place....

It is as implacable and immutable as death...

It can turn from total normalcy to total psychosis in a second....

How did you come to the decision point to marry someone with this illness?

His depth of illness must have been such that his medication gave him superficial normalcy...

Was he compliant with his medication regime?

Do you really want to reconcile?...

You have already made a huge sacrifice...

People will throw stones, but do you think this would be a good time to let the relationship fade out?

I consider myself a brave man, but I know I would not have the courage to willingly enter into a spousal relationship with someone with this illness.......

My very best wishes
the woodchuck


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## wtf2012 (Oct 22, 2012)

gumtree said:


> Long post, I'll try and give the background. I'm 32, my H is 30, no kids. 7 yrs together, married 6.
> 
> I cheated with a 20yo guy from my gym who had a crush on me and paid me lots of attention. I realise now he's a player, but I thought he really liked me. After a few weeks of talking and eye contact led to a makeout session, then a week later we drove to a cabin for a night, I told H I was going away for some alone time. After the ONS, we texted for a few days planning another tryst, but I stood OM up. I felt so guilty that I was agitated and nauseous, couldn't eat or sleep which my concerned H noticed, so I cut all contact. 12 days after the ONS I finally confessed to my husband, knowing it would tear him apart. He left our house that night and drove 5 hours back to our home city to stay with his family. He did not deserve this, he is a good and faithful man, and he trusted me totally. What I did was so selfish, although I felt justified at the time, which is why I went ahead and did it. I even said to OM "(H's name) doesn't deserve this. But I do."
> 
> ...



I don't understand why you felt you deserved an unprotected ONS with a POS. You speak like, at the time, you felt it was a good thing to desire for yourself. I feel that even if you weren't married, this is not a healthy thing to desire for oneself.


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## gumtree (Jun 1, 2013)

wtf2012 said:


> I don't understand why you felt you deserved an unprotected ONS with a POS. You speak like, at the time, you felt it was a good thing to desire for yourself. I feel that even if you weren't married, this is not a healthy thing to desire for oneself.


Correct. It's not healthy. Have you read the whole thread?


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## gumtree (Jun 1, 2013)

Well, I'm back already. He just phoned.
R is not happening, he cannot ever get past my ONS and doesn't want to try.

Although he is coming back to get his stuff, he is not willing to have R on the table at all and he wants to be clear on that. I accept it on the surface - it is his call and nothing will change his mind. 

Although I cried, we spoke pretty calmly. We are going to talk about our marriage when he visits, but only for reflection I guess. We will sort out what stuff he is taking, and he wants to finish one piece of repair work on the house before he leaves it, which is very kind of him. 

I am now sobbing hysterically and I think I'm in shock. 
I KNOW what I did, but I'm now reeling as the realisation hits that he walked out of this house 6 weeks ago and that's IT for us. I'm looking at our home and it's sinking in. We will never kiss or hang out in front of the fire on a winter night, watch the sunset from our porch together, laugh at ourselves or cuddle up in our bed. We will never be a team again. Ever. 

From the moment I confessed the door slammed on 7 years of marriage. That's it, over. 

If you are ever considering cheating on your spouse, just don't.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

You have my sympathy Gumtree. I am truly sorry it did not work out. 

You know, it may be the end of the marriage, but it does not have to be the end of the relationship. Be kind and strong when you see him. Tell him you love him and will always love him, and that you loved him even back when you made a stupid decision to have an affair. Tell him you take full responsibility for your ONS and that it was not his fault. 

He needs to know that he is still a man in your eyes, even though he doesn't feel like it. Give that gift to him.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

LostViking said:


> You have my sympathy Gumtree. I am truly sorry it did not work out.
> 
> You know, it may be the end of the marriage, but it does not have to be the end of the relationship. Be kind and strong when you see him. Tell him you love him and will always love him, and that you loved him even back when you made a stupid decision to have an affair. Tell him you take full responsibility for your ONS and that it was not his fault.
> 
> He needs to know that he is still a man in your eyes, even though he doesn't feel like it. Give that gift to him.


:iagree::iagree:


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

And I think yoy need to get deep into counseling and therapy to get to the root of why you feel the need to save people. 

You got together with your husband to save him. That is what I think. That is not a good reason to marry someone. I can understand why you would run out of gas after seven years. I would have. 

No one can save anyone else. Especially when the person suffers from a serious mental illness.


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## gumtree (Jun 1, 2013)

I truly did not get into this relationship trying to save him!
He was managing his illness well, had a fulltime job and was very entertaining when we got together. We have very similar intellects and sense of humour so we had a blast for the first few years, taking on the world together, newly married and full of energy. I didn't mind supporting him emotionally because I loved him so much for other reasons, everyone has their cross to bear, right? 

I had known him a long time, and had been aware of his condition for years. He was very insightful about it. 

I loved him despite his illness, not because of it and I tried my best to understand. Maybe that was naïve of me, but its how we were and until this I have no regrets, it was the best relationship I ever had. 

Despite his struggle he was kinder and more sane than most men I'd known and he treated me very well. I screwed this up. If I could do it again, I would, but I'd access better support along the way so it didn't get to a point like this. 

I ran out of gas some years after he did. Still not a reason to cheat.


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## CEL (May 7, 2013)

Your story is amazingly sad. I am so sorry for you however I have to ask are giving up? I can point you to many other WS stories where they kept fighting for there husband and won. So how about you?


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## A++ (May 21, 2012)

gumtree said:


> From the moment I confessed the door slammed on 7 years of marriage. That's it, over.
> 
> If you are ever considering cheating on your spouse, just don't.


To be fair, your marriage came to an end the moment you opened your legs to another man.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

gumtree said:


> Well, I'm back already. He just phoned.
> R is not happening, he cannot ever get past my ONS and doesn't want to try.
> 
> Although he is coming back to get his stuff, he is not willing to have R on the table at all and he wants to be clear on that. I accept it on the surface - it is his call and nothing will change his mind.
> ...


Adultery has consequences beyond our control. It is like throwing a stone in the lake - the stone may sink but the ripples continue. This is a sad, sad story all around. All you can do now is become a better person - because chances are in your next relationship you will hit a rough patch again and now know first hand infidelity is *NOT* the answer. It's a way to boost ones ego while destroying another's life. Given your husbands complicated mental health history I can't even beginto imagine how he is going to recover from this. People without his challenges often never do.

I do wish you would still come to these boards and share with other people about the price of infidelity - if you can help others that would be great.


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## Suspecting (Jan 8, 2013)

I get the feeling that this is the outcome you deep down wanted AKA he would divorce and set you free from the burden that comes with his illness. You would reconcile because you feel responsible for him. Is this close to the truth?

I don't get the "OM is a player" remark. Most any single 20 year old guy would gladly accept if an attractive woman comes and offers sex.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I'm a believer in facing the truth as a way to heal, even she its harsh,

When you say the marriage ended after your confession and him walking out weeks ago, that's not at all honest.

The marriage ended the moment you decided to cheat. The moment you walked out the door to go to the cabin.

That's the honest to yourself version, saying it ended when he left is putting it on him.

All he did was to have the strength inside himself to recognize the situation and the betrayal and to make a very hard descision for him.

But it was the decision that allowed him to keep his self respect. It was also something which no doubt is scaring the heck out him.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

gumtree said:


> Cheating AGAIN is not an option, that's something this whole mess has taught me. It has been the most painful experience of our lives. If I ever got that worn down again I would ask to separate having given my best to work through things rather than looking outside the marriage. Again, I CHOSE to cheat, my exhaustion didn't make me do it. But it was a factor in my poor decision.
> 
> But what would need to change if we were to try again? This is what I've been going over for 6 weeks. I feel like its going to be hard to ask for MY needs, after I have trampled over his, but I guess its the only way if we try R. We'll need to discuss when he comes home for a while and is willing to try again (on top of my heavy lifting affairwise):
> 
> ...


IF ONLY This was communicated this is a lesson for all


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

gumtree said:


> I truly did not get into this relationship trying to save him!
> He was managing his illness well, had a fulltime job and was very entertaining when we got together. We have very similar intellects and sense of humour so we had a blast for the first few years, taking on the world together, newly married and full of energy. I didn't mind supporting him emotionally because I loved him so much for other reasons, everyone has their cross to bear, right?
> 
> I had known him a long time, and had been aware of his condition for years. He was very insightful about it.
> ...


I stand by what I said. I'm a KISA. I tried to save my two ex-wives and handle all their problems. I just knew I could do it. And it it me in the azz both times.

Seven years is not that long of a marriage OP. It just seems to me both you and your huband got married for the wrong reasons and eventually you both wanted out. He checked out on you and you cheated. I would say this breakup is a good thing. Again I'm sorry you are hurting, but I think what is happening is for the best.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

I'm sorry gum. 
You told us early on the thread you hoped he wanted back for the right reasons, not becasue he believed he couln't do any better. His reaction show us he's facing this from a position of strength, which tells us he will heal from this anyway.
For some reason I still have some... hope. He will come back even it's just to get his stuff back, you will talk about the marriage. If you keep being open, honest and have the humble attitude you have displayed here... who knows. Maybe the last word has not been said. Maybe is wishfull thinking from my part or the eternal romantic in me.

Healing thoughts your way.
Wish you well.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> I'm a believer in facing the truth as a way to heal, even she its harsh,
> 
> When you say the marriage ended after your confession and him walking out weeks ago, that's not at all honest.
> 
> ...


He is mentally ill, his chance of finding some one else is less still he choose to live with his self respect.Many BSs coming here for help if showed half of his self respect..............


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## crazyace (Aug 20, 2012)

gumtree said:


> I truly did not get into this relationship trying to save him!
> He was managing his illness well, had a fulltime job and was very entertaining when we got together. We have very similar intellects and sense of humour so we had a blast for the first few years, taking on the world together, newly married and full of energy. I didn't mind supporting him emotionally because I loved him so much for other reasons, everyone has their cross to bear, right?
> 
> I had known him a long time, and had been aware of his condition for years. He was very insightful about it.
> ...


Come on now .. dont be so hard on yourself... let your husband go. He was Ill as is ... You still have your OM.. You have a desire for him, and not your husband .... remember ??


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

crazyace said:


> Come on now .. dont be so hard on yourself... let your husband go. He was Ill as is ... You still have your OM.. You have a desire for him, and not your husband .... remember ??


And the point of this post is?
Happier now?


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

crazyace said:


> Come on now .. dont be so hard on yourself... let your husband go. He was Ill as is ... You still have your OM.. You have a desire for him, and not your husband .... remember ??


That was harsh. And uncalled for. 

If you have a bone to pick then vent on your own thread.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## crazyace (Aug 20, 2012)

Abacado and Lostviking , I have nothing to vent. But yes , I did get upset when I read this story and got disturbed with the way the Wife has cheated on her husband.. I agree, I was sarcastic ... but there is a point ... and the point is very simple ... In her post gumtree has clearly written that she still has a desire for the OM. So if she still harbours desire for OM, how will she be able to convince her hurt husband that she will not do it again ? If her husband does reconcile with her, there is always a chance that she will get complacent again and hurt him again ...! 
This is the message to Gumtree (as a friend), please try to shake up and bring up all the true emotions and feelings to your husband, before you commit or decide to commit so that the commitment will never ever fall short of anything in the future..


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

You need to couch the way you say things in a manner appropriate for the situation. 

I'm a huge smartazz, but there is a time to tone it down.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

LostViking said:


> You have my sympathy Gumtree. I am truly sorry it did not work out.
> 
> You know, it may be the end of the marriage, but it does not have to be the end of the relationship. Be kind and strong when you see him. Tell him you love him and will always love him, and that you loved him even back when you made a stupid decision to have an affair. Tell him you take full responsibility for your ONS and that it was not his fault.
> 
> He needs to know that he is still a man in your eyes, even though he doesn't feel like it. Give that gift to him.


Gumtree,

I really like this idea in your situation. 

My only concern would be expressing "love" too strongly. It may make his decision to D more painful for him. He does need to know that he was loved, and that he possesses good qualities. Maybe say it once, as quoted above, then refrain from dragging the "love" statements on too long. Your debt to him is to honor the D with civility and understanding.

I would avoid a tear-fest that would play on his guilt for chosing the D. Compose yourself and be dignified when you are communicating with him. Save the drama for your support system.

Part of recovery for us ego-shattered BHs is to re-establish our value to women. Be supportive and respectful to him. Let him know that you value his good qualities, and go from there. I would also be supportive of him finding new interests, and avoid acting jealous of his future successes.

We know that you regret your bad decisions. Re-build yourself and commit to learning from it.

My exWW does a couple of things to make us both feel better at family events, etc. She simply says, "I hope you are doing well." She usually gives me a gentle hug and tries to keep a little smile on her face. I know that helps us even now that we have both moved on.


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## gumtree (Jun 1, 2013)

I got a text message last night to say he will be here Thursday afternoon. So I'm re-reading this thread many times over in order to prepare to be as kind and helpful as I can be, without throwing myself at him sobbing and begging. 

I still do want to try and R, despite what some people think. This thread has naturally focused on the problems we had and my cheating, not the good times and the love we had. If he gives me an opportunity it will be a long hard road and he still may leave me. At the last meeting, we both said that we still love each other. 

He has said no, so I can only respect that. There is a part of me too (deluded?) that has some hope left. But I don't want to damage his self respect for making his firm decision either. 

I guess I'll just focus on Lovemytruck's wise tips, state that I still am willing to try and get through this if he changes his mind in the future, but I will also throw no obstacles to the separation if that's what he wants. Wish me the best, because I will probably not be posting until after he leaves again and I've gathered my thoughts. 

Thankyou for your advice and support TAMers. This is terrifying.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Good luck Gumtree. I really do hope things work out for you and your husband, one way or another.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

KevinScotland said:


> Dunno what an OP is but I think we can all agree that the marriage vows "in sickness and in health " covers that statement.
> 
> Maybe it's just me but the love I had for my wife there would have been nothing that would have made me cheat.
> 
> ...


That and being broken by circumstances...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

gumtree said:


> I got a text message last night to say he will be here Thursday afternoon. So I'm re-reading this thread many times over in order to prepare to be as kind and helpful as I can be, without throwing myself at him sobbing and begging.
> 
> I still do want to try and R, despite what some people think. This thread has naturally focused on the problems we had and my cheating, not the good times and the love we had. If he gives me an opportunity it will be a long hard road and he still may leave me. At the last meeting, we both said that we still love each other.
> 
> ...


Stay strong! We'll be rooting for you and your husband.:smthumbup:

You need some support as your husband's career. Is anything available?


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

gumtree said:


> I got a text message last night to say he will be here Thursday afternoon. So I'm re-reading this thread many times over in order to prepare to be as kind and helpful as I can be, without throwing myself at him sobbing and begging.
> 
> I still do want to try and R, despite what some people think. This thread has naturally focused on the problems we had and my cheating, not the good times and the love we had. If he gives me an opportunity it will be a long hard road and he still may leave me. At the last meeting, we both said that we still love each other.
> 
> ...


Some sobbing and begging might be a good idea... I think my Ws snot bubbles helped convince me of her sincerity... If she just asked me to stay coldly I'd probably have given it a lot less thought.


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## Suspecting (Jan 8, 2013)

Ovid said:


> Some sobbing and begging might be a good idea... I think my Ws snot bubbles helped convince me of her sincerity... If she just asked me to stay coldly I'd probably have given it a lot less thought.


I'm curious, what effect does it have if she does it on cue?


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## MorgiePorgie (Jul 24, 2013)

Life isn't always black and white. She said her husband was dealing with mental issues. That is more emotionally draining on a person than the average person would think.


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

*Re: Re: I cheated, confessed. H is now talking to me again, what to do?*



MorgiePorgie said:


> Life isn't always black and white. She said her husband was dealing with mental issues. That is more emotionally draining on a person than the average person would think.


My exw is bipolar and bpd but I never cheated in the 7 yrs of marriage. It was about choices, not excuses.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

MorgiePorgie said:


> Life isn't always black and white. She said her husband was dealing with mental issues. That is more emotionally draining on a person than the average person would think.


Cheating or being faithful is always black and white.

It's never ever ok to have sex with another person when you are married.


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## LoveAtDaisys (Jul 3, 2013)

The important thing is this: we're at this point. WS is remorseful and wants earnestly to make a change.

Gumtree, while I agree that you should compose yourself so you can communicate effectively, don't be afraid to cry if you need to. Obviously you know not to start wailing and sobbing on his shoulder, but if you get a bit emotional that's to be expected and is FINE. Worst case scenario ask for a moment or to be excused to compose yourself again; I can't think of a reason why he would hold that against you.

Good luck. I think this forum is strongly pro-marriage working. If that means leaving a WS, that's what it means for you. If that means R after catching a WS, then that's what it means for you. There's a member here with a signature: "I'm not pro-divorce / I'm not pro-marriage / I'm pro-YOU."


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

Suspecting said:


> I'm curious, what effect does it have if she does it on cue?


If it's fake/on cue none. If it's real...


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