# Desire Map



## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

I've spoken about this before and the group that came up with it. This is a great tool, and now there is a page talking about it (as opposed to just mentions on podcasts), and ideas on how to make it. This works whether it's just two people in a monogamous marriage, or 3+ in an open/poly situation.









DesireMap - Our Secret Weapon for Overcoming Mismatched Libidos


The DesireMap is a life-changing tool for combating mismatched libidos. We're going to walk you step-by-step through how to create one of your very own.




atouchofflavor.com





Given the number of threads we have here talking about mismatched drives, I hope that this might be a good tool to help.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

I reviewed this page and the while I struggle to appreciate the polyamorous dynamics and how they could help monogamous couples choose who they are best suited to couple with for the day....

The idea of having better visibility of what someones desires to give versus receive, and how strong that respective desire is would indeed be a helpful tool for couples. 

Sometimes people have a desire to give something and no desire to receive. 
Sometimes people have a desire to receive something and no desire to give. 
Sometimes people have a desire to both give and receive things.

I think the above can easily describe one person and how they change from day to day. A monogamous couple would likely stand to benefit from being more aware of the dynamics of how their partner's desire for giving and receiving changes from day to day like the ebb and flow of tides. 

If both partners are both over eager to only give, then it will be challenging. However if both partners have an overwhelming desire to only receive it will be equally as challenging. Being aware of this dynamic would definitely help improve expectations and understand what is realistic.

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

badsanta said:


> I reviewed this page and the while I struggle to appreciate the polyamorous dynamics and how they could help monogamous couples choose who they are best suited to couple with for the day....


Poly dynamics really aren't all that different from mono dynamics. There are just more dynamics happening at the same time. Which is why I note that many of the things that are at Touch of Flavor with regards to poly will work well with monogamy. Communications, planning, differences in drive, differences in interests. Whether you can only handle one relationship, or multiple relationships at the same time, relationship skills are universal, and they are skills, not instincts. We have to learn them.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

maquiscat said:


> Poly dynamics really aren't all that different from mono dynamics. There are just more dynamics happening at the same time. Which is why I note that many of the things that are at Touch of Flavor with regards to poly will work well with monogamy. Communications, planning, differences in drive, differences in interests. Whether you can only handle one relationship, or multiple relationships at the same time, relationship skills are universal, and they are skills, not instincts. We have to learn them.


If I can debate with you a little...

In my opinion this is probably true for building poly or mono relationship skills with the presence of NRE. However the relationship skills needed for LTR likely create a poly paradox.

LTR skills revolve around exclusivity (say with one person or an exclusive group of people). Exclusivity involves building the skills needed to create a new column on the board that has nothing to do with giving or receiving. It is a column about achieving closeness via complimentary differentiation. As in here is a way that you and I are totally incompatible and that is a good thing because it will create a challenge that primarily serves to make us into a better person. The concept is perhaps like a democrat being married to a republican. The real strength in that relationship lies in the ability of learning to work together and appreciate the other person's philosophy as opposed to perpetually using "give and take" as a temporary workaround. As a result that couple can get extremely close while at the same time maintaining a clear personal identity that stands to compliment the other. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

badsanta said:


> If I can debate with you a little...
> 
> In my opinion this is probably true for building poly or mono relationship skills with the presence of NRE. However the relationship skills needed for LTR likely create a poly paradox.
> 
> ...


I'm not seeing where the paradox is, especially since you specified a closed poly unit. By what standard are you claiming that LTR's revolve on exclusivity? That seem to be to be more of an individual trait, albeit, probably, one that is the more common trait, whether in a mono or a poly grouping. It also sounds like you want to take a tool for one particular aspect, and shoehorn it into other aspects, including ones that simply don't compare.The ability to live day to day with each other, be it 2 or 10, would use that complimentary differentiation, at multiple junctures if more than two. Looking at your concept through a poly lens, you have a liberal, a conservative and a libertarian living together. At some point any given two will be at odds with the other one, and all three at odds simultaneously at times. The bold works just the same in that situation as in your example.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

maquiscat said:


> I'm not seeing where the paradox is, especially since you specified a closed poly unit.


I may understand things wrong, but I assumed the nature of polyamory was about maintaining sexual freedom and openness. I would not describe a closed system as "poly," but I guess there are polygamists that do maintain perfectly happy relationships. Above when I was thinking of a closed system I was thinking of perhaps a married couple where one maintains a covert affair over an indefinite period of time. I that system not everyone is knowingly in a poly relationship. 

Out of curiosity is polygamy a valid form of polyamory? I had always looked at polygamy as more of an imposed religious way of life while polyamory as a form of sexual identity based on freedom.

But I am obviously no one to tell someone else who they are. I am just trying to appreciate if I have perhaps understood it wrong?

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

> But I am obviously no one to tell someone else who they are. I am just trying to appreciate if I have perhaps understood it wrong?


All your questions and statements seem to be coming from a place of good faith, so no worries.



badsanta said:


> I may understand things wrong, but I assumed the nature of polyamory was about maintaining sexual freedom and openness. I would not describe a closed system as "poly," but I guess there are polygamists that do maintain perfectly happy relationships. Above when I was thinking of a closed system I was thinking of perhaps a married couple where one maintains a covert affair over an indefinite period of time. I that system not everyone is knowingly in a poly relationship.


Poly simply means many, or in this context more than two. Open and closed are two types of polyamory. Closed simply means that there are no relationships outside the 3 or more in the unit. Now, keep in mind that does not mean that they will not meet another that they will fall in love with and add to the unit, much like a single person finds someone unexpectedly when they were not looking to get into a relationship. An open relationship means that one or more can seek either sex and/or emotional relationships outside the main relationship. This also works for both mono and poly. IF a closed poly seeks to add another person, it is usually the whole unit that accepts the new person in, as oppose to any number from one to all accepting a new person when open.



> Out of curiosity is polygamy a valid form of polyamory?


four words to keep in mind during discussions of this nature: Polyamory, Polygamy, Polygyny, Polyandry. Polyamory is multiple loves, and may or may not include marriage (obviously not on the legal level.). Polygamy is multiple spouses and actually does not have any inherent limits on genders/sexes/spouse types. People often mistake it for Polygyny, which is one husband, multiple wives. Because it was the most common form of polygamy, it is understandable that such a mistake is made. Polyandry is the opposite of Polygyny, in that it is one wife, multiple husbands. It is actually still practiced in some places in the world as part of a society (as opposed to a subculture) today. There is a TED talk about a women who went and studied such a culture.

So with this: All Polygyny/Polyandry is Polygamy, but not all Polygamy is Polygyny/Polyandry. Likewise, all Polygamy is Polyamory, but not all Polyamory is Polygamy. My marriage is only Polygamy since we have two husbands and two wives. 



> I had always looked at polygamy as more of an imposed religious way of life while polyamory as a form of sexual identity based on freedom.


Religion has not always been the source of Polygamy, just as religion has not always been the source of monogamous marriage. Various religions have tried to control others in multiple areas. Multiple spouse marriages have existed independent of religion just as monogamous ones have. Yes there have been religions who have abused others via polygamy, but that is not because the abuse is a part of polygamy, anymore than abuse is a part of monogamy simply because some have done abuse in monogamy. Also poly is not a sexual identity, because sex is not an automatic part of poly. In some cases, people only form an emotional relationship, because that is what works for them. Also, asexual people, those who are either not sexually attracted to anyone, or have no sex drive, do still tend to form emotional relationships. For them, poly is good because that means if their partner(s) is not also asexual, that partner(s) can still get their sexual needs met.

I hope this answered your questions. Feel free to ask more if need be, although I would suggest doing so in the Ask a Poly Anything thread, if it's not too old to be considered necro-ing it.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

maquiscat said:


> I hope this answered your questions. Feel free to ask more if need be, although I would suggest doing so in the Ask a Poly Anything thread, if it's not too old to be considered necro-ing it.


Thanks! I do enjoy learning more about human nature and always trying to appreciate things better.


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