# My husband is demanding I leave my church..



## wonderingwife

Back in August, we left the "family" church, I say family because it's mostly made up of family, his father is the pastor. We left it and joined another church. After 2 months we became members. I LOVED It there!!!! I was learning so much, and loved everything about it.
At my father in laws church it's 90% spanish. (Preaching and music, Pentecostal), for years I was miserable, I only went to please my husband. I don't understand 100% spanish, so the songs and preaching had no meaning to me.
The church we joined was all english. I was learning so much and could feel the presence of the Lord.
About 2-3 months ago, my inlaws started making my hubby feel guilty for leaving. So he would go to church there, and I would go to my church. Last week he started demanding that I "support" him and go to his church. We have argued many times since then. 

I am emotionally and physically drained. I'm torn between the love I feel for the church and my husband. Part of me is ready to leave him and end my marriage. We have been married for 26 yrs. and it has been mostly good but I now feel resentment toward him and my inlaws. At his Dad's church my husband is a "co-pastor" and plays the guitar. At the other church, of course he didn't do these things, so his parents told him he wasn't following God's calling.

Counseling is out of the question...he's stubborn and says I'm not being the Godly wife and supporting him. 
My heart aches at the thought of not going back to my church. 

What do I do? God knows WHY I don't want to go back to his dad's church...lots of dysfunction. God knows my heart...
What do I do???

Thank you.


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## Maricha75

Bottom line, if you're not understanding the sermons nor getting a blessing from them, then they aren't helping you grow as a Christian. Has your husband even discussed doing some sort of special music at the church you currently attend? Has he even asked about youth leadership, music ministry, etc. at the other church? The one thing I will agree with the inlaws about is that if he is not using his gift, then he is not following God's leading. That doesn't mean going back to the family church, necessarily. It could mean doing any of the things I mentioned above. Truthfully, it sounds like the only reason he went back is because they guilted him into it. If that is the case, then he still is not following God's leading. All I can say is talk to him and explain exactly why it is a problem for you... and pray about it.


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## PBear

Can you go to services at both churches? Morning at one, evening at the other?

I can understand (and I'm not even religious) your husband's desire to have you at "his" church. But I can also understand you wanting to get more out of the service. What about improving your Spanish skills?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wonderingwife

Maricha75 said:


> Bottom line, if you're not understanding the sermons nor getting a blessing from them, then they aren't helping you grow as a Christian. Has your husband even discussed doing some sort of special music at the church you currently attend? Has he even asked about youth leadership, music ministry, etc. at the other church? The one thing I will agree with the inlaws about is that if he is not using his gift, then he is not following God's leading. That doesn't mean going back to the family church, necessarily. It could mean doing any of the things I mentioned above. Truthfully, it sounds like the only reason he went back is because they guilted him into it. If that is the case, then he still is not following God's leading. All I can say is talk to him and explain exactly why it is a problem for you... and pray about it.


The other church is Assembly of God, so when they asked my husband for his Pastor credentials, the showed them a card that was given to him by another Pastor. They let my husband preach one time since our Pastor was going to be out. But after that they didn't ask him anymore. I did church Nursery but then my husband would get upset about sitting in church w/out me. :/ they have youth pastors, etc so I'm guessing they didn't have a spot for my husband, or...they have their reasons. He knows the language barrier is a problem for me, I even told him Mom this, and she said, "When it's the Holy Spirit, you will feel it anyway."  Well, I'm guessing the Holy Spirit isn't present if I'm not feeling it. 
So...I pray. I talk to God, I beg him to help me. When I do go to church w/ my hubby I'm miserable. There is no structure, and I don't agree w/ their ways. 
For ex: one evening I was visiting and my father in law, pulls out a spiral...he starts going over names and amounts of people who gave tithes and offerings. Like, Ms. Gonzales gave $50, etc. I was appalled!!! I felt so sad for those that were there. How dare he do this!!!!  I've never seen this done in other churches...I feel like offerings are a private thing, not public.

My husband has always been the "its my way or the highway" kinda guy....and these past few years the highway seems to look more appealing to me. 

He is so good in other areas....does housework, giving, loving, funny, good father, provider, etc. 
but I'm guessing because of his upbringing, he won't cut the cord to his family.


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## GTdad

I'm curious, why did you and your husband leave the "family" church?


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## wonderingwife

GTdad said:


> I'm curious, why did you and your husband leave the "family" church?


When we left last August it was because we didn't agree with some of 
His dads practices. We tried talking to his parents 
But nothing changed. One night I told my hubby 
That I needed to seek God. That I was going to have to
Answer to him myself. So a couple of days later
He found Assembly of God and we loved it. It
Angered his family that we left. 
But NOW he's saying that he left because he was 
Seeking "fellowship" not God and he was wrong.
I don't buy it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Theseus

wonderingwife said:


> I am emotionally and physically drained. I'm torn between the love I feel for the church and my husband.


You shouldn't have to choose between the two. *You married your husband, not his church.* There is no law that says couples must attend the same church. He goes to his, you go to yours, children take turns. Would that really be a problem? 



> _Counseling is out of the question...he's stubborn and says I'm not being the Godly wife and supporting him. _


Then emphasize the counseling is for both of you. There's nothing un-Godly about going to counseling. However - you have to set realistic goals. A counselor can find ways for you two to settle your disputes better, but he/she can't make the decision over which Church you both should attend. That's entirely up to you.


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## Mr Blunt

> *By Pbear*
> Can you go to services at both churches? Morning at one, evening at the other?



WonderingWife
*Did you overlook this post above?*

Of course the number one priority is to be fed by the spirit but you also have a very good husband (minus the disagreement about his father’s church). *Can you tolerate a few hours a week at your husband’s church then go your church?*

It would seem that going to both churches maybe a solution. Leaving your husband that has a lot of good points over this issue may be very detrimental to you; especially since there seems to be a solution. If you decide to leave be prepared to stay single or not expect to get a husband as good as you described below. It may not be fair but divorced men and women that are nearing their 50s that have children are not in big demand and they usually draw people that have a lot of baggage. Of course you could get lucky, but what are the chances of that? Of course you could also stay single.



> *By Wonderingwife*
> He is so good in other areas....does housework, giving, loving, funny, good father, provider, etc.
> but I'm guessing because of his upbringing, he won't cut the cord to his family.


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## clipclop2

His mother isn't too bright is she... I used to hear ignorant statements fall out of the mouths of some of the adults in my church when I was a youth and it was because they were not very educated people. And your father in law is not behaving in a Godly way, attempting to control his son and you. The tithe thing is just unethical.


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## Mr Blunt

> And your father in law is not behaving in a Godly way, attempting to control his son and you. The tithe thing is just unethical.



Exacally!

But what are her options? Seperate, Divorce, give in, refuse to go to her husbad's church?


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## clipclop2

I would refuse to go to his church. 

Her husband also needs to wake up because he is losing her respect by not standing up to his father, accepting what his dad is doing through not offering a challenge to him, and most of all, not loving his wife enough to wait her to receive as much of the word of God as she can. That is, of he really believes in ask of that stuff... Or it is all macho control issues in which case there is even more reason to attend the church she likes and understands.

I really thought this thread was going to be a guy wanting her to leave a church because it gives her crazy ideas or something. From a conservative religious point of view she is up against honor your mother and father and the husband is the head of the family. But being legalistic rather than examining what is being honored and obeyed is pretty anti intellectual and in my opinion anti God.


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## wonderingwife

PBear said:


> Can you go to services at both churches? Morning at one, evening at the other?
> 
> I can understand (and I'm not even religious) your husband's desire to have you at "his" church. But I can also understand you wanting to get more out of the service. What about improving your Spanish skills?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am going to try this tomorrow. We have services in the morning at Assembly and at his dad's church it's in the evening. 
According to him, he doesn't want me going at all.... I really think it's a "loyalty" to his dad's church kinda thing.

One evening that we were visiting his dad's church, before we came back his mother said (during the petitions), and I quote,

"I want all my kids back in this church, and I want them here while I'm alive, not when I'm dead because by then I won't see them". 

I told him later that she was bribing them, or using the guilt trip. I said why can't she be happy that her kids are atleast in a church and serving God? Why does she have to be selfish?

But of course, he defended her and said, "Well, that's her prayer, and she just wants what's best for her kids."


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## wonderingwife

clipclop2 said:


> I would refuse to go to his church.
> 
> Her husband also needs to wake up because he is losing her respect by not standing up to his father, accepting what his dad is doing through not offering a challenge to him, and most of all, not loving his wife enough to wait her to receive as much of the word of God as she can. That is, of he really believes in ask of that stuff... Or it is all macho control issues in which case there is even more reason to attend the church she likes and understands.
> 
> I really thought this thread was going to be a guy wanting her to leave a church because it gives her crazy ideas or something. From a conservative religious point of view she is up against honor your mother and father and the husband is the head of the family. But being legalistic rather than examining what is being honored and obeyed is pretty anti intellectual and in my opinion anti God.



If I refuse to go he makes my life hell for several days....silent treatment, slamming doors, leaving right after work to go pick up his dinner (even though I cook dinner) , watching movies really loud, etc.
**So then I can't sleep, eat, and I go to work tired and stressed. 

**To me, this is just part of his controlling ways. YES...he is a good husband He's affectionate, works hard, provides for the our college kids, etc. BUT...he also been controlling in ways. We have made it thru physical abuse (1st 10yrs of our marriage, until I finally fought back and threatened to have him arrested.), verbal abuse, secrets, etc. I have not been the perfect wife, but I've never been abusive or cheated on him. 

At this point in my life, at 46, I'd rather be single. That way I can breathe 
He's always been the type that just wanted me to agree with him...if I didn't he would act like a big baby and argue til' I gave in. At 46 I'm tired of dealing w/ this..and YES, I should have stopped this a LONG time ago, but back then during the abusive years, I tried to keep the peace for the sake of my kids and my sanity. 

He's a good person, but has issues, like we all do. I just wish I could be an individual person and be loved for who I am.


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## 6301

wonderingwife said:


> Counseling is out of the question...he's stubborn and says I'm not being the Godly wife and supporting him.
> Thank you.


 You should tell him that by not letting you enjoy the feelings that you get when you attend your church of choice is not a real good example of him being a "Godly Husband".

You might ask him if he believes that there is only one God or one for your church and God2.0 at his.

Not to mention that you should remind him that he's also a co pastor of his church and I always though that no matter what denomination, that you should preach tolerance and so far, he needs to brush up on being a preacher.


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## Mr Blunt

> *By Clip Clop2*
> I would refuse to go to his church.



That certainly is one option. Another option would be for her to tell her husband that she is going to go to his church and fulfill the conservative religious point of view and then she is going to honor God by feeding her spirit at the other church.

Frankly I think that the hurt is so intense to her right now that she is overreacting a bit when she says


> BY WONDERINGWIFE
> Part of me is ready to leave him and end my marriage. We have been married for 26 yrs. and it has been mostly good but I now feel resentment toward him and my inlaws




If she left her husband because he wants her to go to his church to please the father-in-law, I would have to say that is not a good enough reason especially since she can also go to the church that she enjoys. Additionally, she would not be happy if she ended the marriage and retained the resentment. 

Really, how much of a sacrifice is it to go to his church for 1-4 hours a week? Then she can go to her church; if he does not like her going to both churches then that is his problem and he will have to deal with that. If the husband will not accept her going to both churches then I would wonder where his spiritual priorities are then she should go to both churches anyway.

In any case I do not think that this issue is worth ending a good marriage. If he was an adulterer, abandoned the family, or other serious abuses then that would be a no brainer, get out of the marrage. However, here below is what she said about her husband 



> By Wonderingwife
> He is so good in other areas....does housework, giving, loving, funny, good father, provider, etc.
> but I'm guessing because of his upbringing, he won't cut the cord to his family.


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## Mr Blunt

> I am going to try this tomorrow. We have services in the morning at Assembly and at his dad's church it's in the evening.
> According to him, he doesn't want me going at all.... I really think it's a "loyalty" to his dad's church kinda thing.
> 
> One evening that we were visiting his dad's church, before we came back his mother said (during the petitions), and I quote,
> 
> "I want all my kids back in this church, and I want them here while I'm alive, not when I'm dead because by then I won't see them".
> 
> I told him later that she was bribing them, or using the guilt trip. I said why can't she be happy that her kids are at least in a church and serving God? Why does she have to be selfish?
> 
> But of course, he defended her and said, "Well, that's her prayer, and she just wants what's best for her kids."


If you go to both churches then the mother’s claims have no merritt.

Be careful about telling a son that his mother is a manipulator and uses bribes and guilt. You maybe right but just like your son would not want to fight with you if you were wrong, your husband is not going to get into a fight with his mother but will try to smooth it over just like he did.

It is never wise to present a situation that the son has to choose between his mother and wife


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## Mr Blunt

> If I refuse to go he makes my life hell for several days....silent treatment, slamming doors, leaving right after work to go pick up his dinner (even though I cook dinner) , watching movies really loud, etc.
> **So then I can't sleep, eat, and I go to work tired and stressed.
> 
> **To me, this is just part of his controlling ways. YES...he is a good husband He's affectionate, works hard, provides for the our college kids, etc. BUT...he also been controlling in ways. We have made it thru physical abuse (1st 10yrs of our marriage, until I finally fought back and threatened to have him arrested.), verbal abuse, secrets, etc. I have not been the perfect wife, but I've never been abusive or cheated on him.
> 
> At this point in my life, at 46, I'd rather be single. That way I can breathe
> He's always been the type that just wanted me to agree with him...if I didn't he would act like a big baby and argue til' I gave in. At 46 I'm tired of dealing w/ this..and YES, I should have stopped this a LONG time ago, but back then during the abusive years, I tried to keep the peace for the sake of my kids and my sanity.
> 
> He's a good person, but has issues, like we all do. I just wish I could be an individual person and be loved for who I am.




*



I just wish I could be an individual person and be loved for who I am.

Click to expand...

*That seems to be the main issue but the church attendance thing is additional gas thrown on the fire.

You feel controlled and unloved for who you are so what does your husband say when you tell him this?
What could he do to improve so that you do not feel controlled and unloved?
*Why have you not gone to individual counseling or other helps?*



*



At this point in my life, at 46, I'd rather be single. That way I can breathe

Click to expand...

*From what you have written you would be making a mistake by leaving the marriage. Your claims are mostly your feelings. I did not see much in your posts that proves by his actions that you are not loved for who you are. *As for you being an individual person that is up to you. You live in America not Afghanistan*

As you have said, your husband has issues but from what you described he has a LOT more positive qualities than negative. The negatives that you have described about him are not serious enough for you to break up the family.

*My guess is that you need to get help with your situation. I am not saying you are wrong I am saying that you can change things for your betterment within your own power.*


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## michzz

Read up on the difference between religious and religiosity.

Also, look up the tenets of of both your new church and that of your husband's church.

Attend that which satisfies your religious needs.

Anyone bullying you or manipulating you to attend a particular faith sounds 180 degrees from what Jesus would have done, IMHO.

BTW, any chance of learning a little more Spanish?


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## DoF

Your problem is the fact that you are even practicing religion.

Without it, there would be no problem.



I'm sorry


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## BaxJanson

In my experience, most of the time a "family" church is set up, it's typically a major control scheme. From what you've described of his father's behavior, mother's behavior, and his own behavior, such a thing would not surprise me a bit.

The insistence upon your attending when a) you don't understand the language spoken, b) you are not comfortable with members being publicly shamed (and I wouldn't be, either!), c) you admit you've had issues with other behaviors in the past (have those changed?) d) strong-arming tactics meant to shame you and your husband into compliance and e) you don't want to, and have your own church which is fulfilling you... I don't blame you for being cautious.


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## clipclop2

If the mother's prayer is wanting what is best for her kids is she also willing to accept that what God wants might not line up with her idea of best?


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## Westwind

He is abusive emotionally, which used to include physical abuse. He learned this behavior from his parents. From what I have read by John Gottman, it is not possible for you to change his behavior, you will have to give in or get out.


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## Westwind

Since he was physically abusive at one time, I believe it would be prudent to leave without notice with no forwarding address. Check with local organization that helps with getting out of an abusive relationship. You could be putting yourself in physical danger judging from what I have read about abusive relationships.


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## Mike6211

DoF said:


> Your problem is the fact that you are even practicing religion.
> 
> Without it, there would be no problem.


Yes there would. Something else in their lives would instead become the 'carrier' of the husband's manipulation, guilt-tripping etc.

Depressing how so-called "Christians" use their religious "beliefs" (I'd call them something like "adherences" instead) to make problems rather than help solve them. The author and therapist James Hollis refers to people who "go to church to avoid religious experience" [google the whole phrase in quotes for its source] and it sure sounds as if the husband could do with some psychological 'loosening up'. This 'family church' drama will just be entrenching his attitudes though.


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## Mykice

wonderingwife said:


> Back in August, we left the "family" church, I say family because it's mostly made up of family, his father is the pastor. We left it and joined another church. After 2 months we became members. I LOVED It there!!!! I was learning so much, and loved everything about it.
> At my father in laws church it's 90% spanish. (Preaching and music, Pentecostal), for years I was miserable, I only went to please my husband. I don't understand 100% spanish, so the songs and preaching had no meaning to me.
> The church we joined was all english. I was learning so much and could feel the presence of the Lord.
> About 2-3 months ago, my inlaws started making my hubby feel guilty for leaving. So he would go to church there, and I would go to my church. Last week he started demanding that I "support" him and go to his church. We have argued many times since then.
> 
> I am emotionally and physically drained. I'm torn between the love I feel for the church and my husband. Part of me is ready to leave him and end my marriage. We have been married for 26 yrs. and it has been mostly good but I now feel resentment toward him and my inlaws. At his Dad's church my husband is a "co-pastor" and plays the guitar. At the other church, of course he didn't do these things, so his parents told him he wasn't following God's calling.
> 
> Counseling is out of the question...he's stubborn and says I'm not being the Godly wife and supporting him.
> My heart aches at the thought of not going back to my church.
> 
> What do I do? God knows WHY I don't want to go back to his dad's church...lots of dysfunction. God knows my heart...
> What do I do???
> 
> Thank you.


Hey Wonder, I know how you feel my wife and i encountered the same problem regarding faith. I am a Catholic and she's a Christian. Yes of course i feel the same pressure coming from my in laws and my family is putting pressure on her as well. Here in the Philippines Religion is everything. there are times we would argue which church we would go.It came to a point where we have decided that she can go to her church on sunday and take the kids and as for me go to my own church. To be honest i have nothing against going to another church for me we only have one God and my wife feels the same as well the only difference is their interpretation regarding the teachings of the Bible. So i explained to my in laws our decision it's a huge step for me and my wife because our marriage was on the rocks that time (well it's still though because of her addiction with MLM but not that detrimental) For me its just a matter of compromise since you said you learned so much from your church and your husband is comfortable with his family church so why not let him go attend his church and you attend yours and at the end of the day each of you grows spiritually (isn't that our main motive why we go to church) explained to him that "hey i am sorry i don't understand Spanish and i feel with my church i grow and learned so much. I would be able to learn from your church its just that i am not proficient with the Spanish language" At the end of the day both of you are happy with it. well hey i am not saying you do this maybe you and your husband can come up with a set-up where both of you would be comfortable with the teachings of your church. I am not saying that this set-up is right, it works for me and my wife im just sharing it.


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## Blossom Leigh

wonderingwife said:


> I am going to try this tomorrow. We have services in the morning at Assembly and at his dad's church it's in the evening.
> According to him, he doesn't want me going at all.... I really think it's a "loyalty" to his dad's church kinda thing.
> 
> One evening that we were visiting his dad's church, before we came back his mother said (during the petitions), and I quote,
> 
> "I want all my kids back in this church, and I want them here while I'm alive, not when I'm dead because by then I won't see them".
> 
> I told him later that she was bribing them, or using the guilt trip. I said why can't she be happy that her kids are atleast in a church and serving God? Why does she have to be selfish?
> 
> But of course, he defended her and said, "Well, that's her prayer, and she just wants what's best for her kids."


Get the book Emotional Blackmail. This mother is using emotional blackmail tactics in spades.


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## Blossom Leigh

wonderingwife said:


> If I refuse to go he makes my life hell for several days....silent treatment, slamming doors, leaving right after work to go pick up his dinner (even though I cook dinner) , watching movies really loud, etc.
> **So then I can't sleep, eat, and I go to work tired and stressed.
> 
> **To me, this is just part of his controlling ways. YES...he is a good husband He's affectionate, works hard, provides for the our college kids, etc. BUT...he also been controlling in ways. We have made it thru physical abuse (1st 10yrs of our marriage, until I finally fought back and threatened to have him arrested.), verbal abuse, secrets, etc. I have not been the perfect wife, but I've never been abusive or cheated on him.
> 
> At this point in my life, at 46, I'd rather be single. That way I can breathe
> He's always been the type that just wanted me to agree with him...if I didn't he would act like a big baby and argue til' I gave in. At 46 I'm tired of dealing w/ this..and YES, I should have stopped this a LONG time ago, but back then during the abusive years, I tried to keep the peace for the sake of my kids and my sanity.
> 
> He's a good person, but has issues, like we all do. I just wish I could be an individual person and be loved for who I am.



And you need a lot of books for this one. Click the link in my signature and there is a book list there that will be VERY instrumental in understanding what it is your H is doing to control you. GOOD for you that you set him straight on having him arrested. I did the same with my H. He attempts to control you through intimidation tactics. Which is still the Emotional Blackmail book but there are others that dive deeper in to abuse issues as well.

ETA: Old thread... OP might not be posting anymore


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## Flying_Dutchman

Seems daddy and his church failed to teach his son about tolerance. 

IIRC, there's a Toleration Act of Maryland that pre-dates US independence,, guaranteeing religious freedom.

Bullying ones spouse is plain un-Christian.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Divinely Favored

His momma needs to get right with the Lord. So does the hubby if he had problems with you going to a service you are comfortable and being fed at...as long as they are teaching the truth from the bible. It is your husbands duty as the spiritual leader in the home to make sure what you are being taught there lines up...so he should be attending with you! If there is not a morning service why would he not want to be in God's house in the morning also. He should want to attend service with you just to be fed more. If the in laws are pressuring you due to how it looks then they need to get right!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Personal

Mykice said:


> I am a Catholic and she's a Christian.


In other words you are both Christian then.


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## woundedwarrior

As others have said, you have to where you can have the best relationship with Jesus. I had a similar problem. I grew up Catholic & spent over 40 years in the church, but the older I got, the more bored I became. Reading the same things every week etc. My wife left for a non demoninational Christian church, so we attended different churches for a few years. Then, because I missed attending together, I started going to both. I learned so much in her church and became very involved, I eventually left the Catholic church. My parents weren't happy, but I finally convinced them, you're either Christian or you're not, the building has no relevance.
A lot of Catholic "rules" are self made up anyway, don't get me started on that one.


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## I dunno

You sound very happy at the new Church and it's all about making the connection, your hubby should understand this. I'd have a quiet word with him and say you are prepared to attend the odd service at his parents Church. Either that or pray lightening will burn the place down, God Bless xxx


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## Mr The Other

woundedwarrior said:


> As others have said, you have to where you can have the best relationship with Jesus. I had a similar problem. I grew up Catholic & spent over 40 years in the church, but the older I got, the more bored I became. Reading the same things every week etc. My wife left for a non demoninational Christian church, so we attended different churches for a few years. Then, because I missed attending together, I started going to both. I learned so much in her church and became very involved, I eventually left the Catholic church. My parents weren't happy, but I finally convinced them, you're either Christian or you're not, the building has no relevance.
> A lot of Catholic "rules" are self made up anyway, don't get me started on that one.


The Catholic Church is a rather broad one, to be fair. I am on one extreme end of it (that is accused of being a bit Buddhist) and the other ends I would barely recognise as the same religion.


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## I dunno

Some people like the solemnity of the Catholic service, they can differ from Church to Church. All to do with ones preference, if the service leaves you flat, there is nothing worse so I'd stay true to your beliefs and endure a little uncomfortableness from the inquisitors. Good Luck xxx


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## daisybush

I think you must talk to him directly and clear and if still he is not agree and you should quit.


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## pana1089

This is a difficult situation, but very common. So, what biblical principles are applicable to the situation? I'll share these two:
(1) Love each other as Christ loves the church.
(2) Put the needs of each other above your own.
- As much as Christ loves the church he does not impose his will upon the church. He states his will clearly in scripture and he expects to be obedient. Similarly, spouses should not impose their desires upon each other. Each should state their desires clearly and the other should do their best to meet those desires.
- As both spouses try to meet each others needs, they end up somewhere in the middle. This is what compromising does. Neither spouse gets everything they want, but each gets some of what they do want. This has to be done in the right spirit to make the sacrifice of compromise work without feeling like one is losing something.


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