# Trust issues from EX



## Houstondad

Hey everyone. How should I effictively coparent with an EX who apparently does not trust me.
A quick history:
I divorced her after 10 yrs of marriage. She cheated and ultimately left us (myself and the kids). She had moved to Minneapolis (we live in Houston). I am the custodial parent and they are with me during the school year. They visit her on holidays and most of the summer.

It was an amicable divorce and for the exception of a bone-headed move on her part early on in the divorce, we have been fairly civil with each other.

Unfortunately, we went to court earlier this year due to a disagreement in child support. She wanted to pay less than the minimum and I wouldnt agree to that. The whole thing was a debacle in court. Neither one of us got what we wanted. Now she no longer contacts me. Learned from her father she doesn't trust me.

I am concerned this will affect our co-parenting which was weak at best since she lives so far away. Ever since the final court judgement in March, i have not heard from their mom at all. I have decided to contact her and not wait on her. 

How should i handle this? 

I feel that no matter how genuine and peaceful I come across, she's not going to trust me. And no, i haven't done anything i can think of for her to feel that way.


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## Cynthia

She doesn't trust you?
She is blame shifting. She is the one who cannot be trusted. 
Why are you concerned about whether or not she trusts you?
What happened in court? Was child support reduced? Why are you both upset about what happened? That might help us understand what's going on since it seems to be linked.


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## soccermom2three

I don't exactly understand what she doesn't trust about you and really, who cares if she doesn't trust you.

Sorry, but I've alway thought your ex was weird. What mother moves hundreds of miles away from their kids?


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## Lon

Hi HD, long time no talk to. Very decent of you to initiate contact, it really is too bad she is willing to put her trust issues ahead of her relationship with her children. I presume she is missing out on her negotiated visitation right now? If she lacks the initiative to have her visitation with her kids, I can only advise you to NOT push it on her, if you contact her to ask her what her intentions are, do it to cover your bases and only ask once, if she is concerned the ball is in your court then put it back in hers and see what she wants, but I'd be reluctant to send my own kids to someone that is not demonstrating any parental responsibility. And it's not that I wouldn't "trust" her, it's that I'd trust in the actions she is demonstrating. Of course I'd probably consult with your lawyer before agreeing to send your kids across the country.


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## Houstondad

It has nothing to do with her visitation. She sees them when it's her time with them so that hasnt been an issue fortunately. As for the child support, she wanted it to be $150 less than the minimum standard. She based it on air travel and that she is in debt. The judge awarded her $75 less instead of $150. Still is BS IMHO because she moved away on her terms. So neither of us got what we wanted. And it was a waste of financial resources used on lawyers.

As for the trust issue, i have no idea why she cant trust me. Ive been more than fair during and after the divorce. Maybe i should just ask her?!? It could be that because i don't fully trust her(there are several valid reasons why), she blameshifts it to me. I only care because i feel it may be getting in the way when it comes to the kids. 

She tells me nothing on what goes on since they have been with her in the summer. I only find out from them during our video chats. 

For example, i found out from my son that he is not brushing his teeth (he's prone to cavaties). This is something i want to check with his mom about....and that his mom was aware he watched the movie Saw and Saw 2. He just turned 10 yrs old by the way. 

I did send his mom an email about the movie and if she was aware that he saw it and how i would hope she doesn't condone seeing the movie. She just sent a brief email indicating she spoke with him. So its this sort of parenting and a disregard to what i think or feel.

Im certain she feels i am trying to control her with my email about the horror movie as one example. And if you guys think that's true, it's only coming from a place of good intentions and what i want best for my kids.

How do i come across that i am not trying to control her life and she can trust that its well intended.


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## NextTimeAround

For every time that she says that she can't trust you, ask when have you been unreliable. And repeat that question to everyone who tells you that she told them that you're untrustworthy.


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## Houstondad

Maybe a little more detail in the child support.
So she tells.me the State of Texas is suing her for more child support (shes been paying hundreds less than the minimum over the last 2 years.)
She wasnt expecting me to have a lawyer represent me in our day in court. She didnt like that. But the biggest issue i feel was that she had to fly down twice for the court and blames me. 

Here's why: 
she and her lawyer presented a dollar amount they feel she owes for child support at our first court hearing. My lawyer looks over her paystub and finds an error on their part. They were off by nearly $600 less than what her paystub indicated. Her lawyer agreed. So i was awarded the high amount as well as the $75 reduction. My ex leaves in tears.

Several days later, i learn she is requesting to go back to court indicating the court made an error. Her dad approaches me showing me the new CS amount he and his daughter calculated. He asks me if i would agree so his daughter wouldn't have to fly back down for another day in court. My lawyer tells me to not agree to anything and we go back to court. 
The court does agree that the CS needs to be corrected. Her bonus on the paystub was included but should have been spread out over the course of a year. She blames me instead of herself and her dumbass lawyer.

What's crazy is that her dad has been paying for all the flights and nearly all the child support EVERY month for the last several years(he ended up paying for her lawyer; yes ger dad is an enabler vit that's for another story). 

I dont care that her dad pays, but i do take issue that she blames me for all her financial woes. This, despite her having the kids less than 25% of the time and making a little more in salary than i do. Yes, she's weird and crazy.


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## 225985

The others are right. Why do you care what she thinks? Can you answer that question?


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## NextTimeAround

blueinbr said:


> The others are right.* Why do you care what she thinks? *Can you answer that question?


Why do you ask that? 

Of course, we care what others think who deal with our loved ones?


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## Openminded

I remember your original thread about the child support issue and her enabling dad. He was watching your children after school, as I recall, and you were still friends with him. Did that change? 

The problem is this is who she is. And she likely isn't going to listen to you about your son brushing his teeth or what movies he sees on her parenting time. You can definitely bring it to her attention but just don't expect any real action. 

She has decided to parent differently than you -- or maybe she always did -- and it's unlikely you can really influence what she does when she has them unless it reaches the child endangerment stage. Didn't you say your girlfriend has a different parenting style than you do? That's one of the problems with co-parenting that many people who are divorced struggle with. 

As for her trusting you or not, that's her choice and, yes, she can choose to use that as an excuse to make your life more difficult.


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## Bananapeel

It doesn't matter if she trusts you. All that matters is she is taking reasonable care of your kids. You can't control what she does when she's with them, and as long as it isn't dangerous the courts won't pull her custody. Just accept her for who she is and don't waste time or energy thinking about it...remember, she's not worth it. If she wants to go to court to change child support then that is her right and if she is mad at you for whatever reason (right or wrong) she can feel that way, but it shouldn't have an affect on your life.


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## Houstondad

Hey opem-minded,
I cant believe you remember my earlier rants! That goes for some of the other posters here too. Makes me feel appreciated and thankful that there are "strangers" who listen and care. 

My gut was telling me exactly how you replied about my EX. It just stinks accepting it. I will just have to plan to express my concerns and just be straight forward and not expect any response or reassurance in return.

Also, since my kids have been away, i have been doing some summer cleaning and discovered some heart ache regarding my kids feelings towards their mom. My son wrote a poem at school dated earlier this spring about the color blue which stated things like, the blue is like water, like cold, blue is like my mom and blue makes me feel sad. 
Found an old journal of my daughter dating back 2 years ago stating that she misses her mom, WHY did she move away and that she is never coming back. My guess is that the topic is rarely brought up when they see her. Don't know how to tell their mom except for just telling her straight up. I have pics to prove it that i can send her too. 

Co-parenting can be challenging after the divorce. She lets them get away with a bit more than I and i believe some of it has to do with her guilt since she lives so far from them. 
As for her dad, it was awkward as hell at first. We were both dissapointed in each other. I do feel both of us were trying to help our kids with the key difference in that mine are young and innocent while his daughter is (insert adjective). We are doing better, but i can tell its not the same as before.

My GF and I do differ some in parenting. She yells at her kids when they are not doing what they are supposed to where I do not yell, but speak calmly and firmly, most of the time!


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## 225985

NextTimeAround said:


> Why do you ask that?
> 
> 
> 
> Of course, we care what others think who deal with our loved ones?




Thanks for responding but I asked the question to OP. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## bandit.45

HD, I have followed you journey from the beginning, and i remember the cold and callous way your exWW treated you during and after her affair. 

Why doesn't she trust you? Because she is a spoiled, entitled, batsh!t crazy woman. Batsh!t. She sleeps hanging from the closet rod. 

I usually ignore Blueinbr but I have to grudgingly agree...why the fvck do you care what she thinks of you? The Court has determined what the CS will be and that is that. The judge had his reasons for handing down the judgement he did. It is done. She will pay what she is ordered to pay.


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## Cynthia

You can't make her trust you. She wants what she wants and she doesn't trust you that you'll give her what she wants. That is where her trust issues lie. I have a feeling that even if you gave her the kids and paid her $10,000 in child support per month that she'd still say it was all your fault and she didn't trust you.


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## NextTimeAround

blueinbr said:


> Thanks for responding but I asked the question to OP.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


there is nothing wrong in an participant on a thread asking for clarification of a question -- no matter to whom it is directed.

You may choose to refuse to answer it. But I am not wrong to ask it.


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## Lon

Houstondad said:


> It has nothing to do with her visitation. She sees them when it's her time with them so that hasnt been an issue fortunately. As for the child support, she wanted it to be $150 less than the minimum standard. She based it on air travel and that she is in debt. The judge awarded her $75 less instead of $150. Still is BS IMHO because she moved away on her terms. So neither of us got what we wanted. And it was a waste of financial resources used on lawyers.
> 
> As for the trust issue, i have no idea why she cant trust me. Ive been more than fair during and after the divorce. Maybe i should just ask her?!? It could be that because i don't fully trust her(there are several valid reasons why), she blameshifts it to me. I only care because i feel it may be getting in the way when it comes to the kids.
> 
> She tells me nothing on what goes on since they have been with her in the summer. I only find out from them during our video chats.
> 
> For example, i found out from my son that he is not brushing his teeth (he's prone to cavaties). This is something i want to check with his mom about....and that his mom was aware he watched the movie Saw and Saw 2. He just turned 10 yrs old by the way.
> 
> I did send his mom an email about the movie and if she was aware that he saw it and how i would hope she doesn't condone seeing the movie. She just sent a brief email indicating she spoke with him. So its this sort of parenting and a disregard to what i think or feel.
> 
> Im certain she feels i am trying to control her with my email about the horror movie as one example. And if you guys think that's true, it's only coming from a place of good intentions and what i want best for my kids.
> 
> How do i come across that i am not trying to control her life and she can trust that its well intended.


Respectfully, as I read this comment it doesn't come across to me as her having trust issues with you, rather your trust issues with her, specifically her capacity to parent the way you want her to. You can't make her parent the way you want her to, that's just the way it is - you have to trust that as the woman who gave birth to them she loves them and will do the best she can for them, and if you have any documented proof that she is unfit to be a parent then it is on you as the responsible parent to use the courts to fight for the well-being of your kids. But it sounds to me like you need to let go a little bit and just focus on your interactions with your kids as best you can, and be the role model they need when they are under your custody.

Nobody ever said that co-parenting was easy, eh?


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## Lon

Houstondad said:


> Maybe a little more detail in the child support.
> So she tells.me the State of Texas is suing her for more child support (shes been paying hundreds less than the minimum over the last 2 years.)
> She wasnt expecting me to have a lawyer represent me in our day in court. She didnt like that. But the biggest issue i feel was that she had to fly down twice for the court and blames me.
> 
> Here's why:
> she and her lawyer presented a dollar amount they feel she owes for child support at our first court hearing. My lawyer looks over her paystub and finds an error on their part. They were off by nearly $600 less than what her paystub indicated. Her lawyer agreed. So i was awarded the high amount as well as the $75 reduction. My ex leaves in tears.
> 
> Several days later, i learn she is requesting to go back to court indicating the court made an error. Her dad approaches me showing me the new CS amount he and his daughter calculated. He asks me if i would agree so his daughter wouldn't have to fly back down for another day in court. My lawyer tells me to not agree to anything and we go back to court.
> The court does agree that the CS needs to be corrected. Her bonus on the paystub was included but should have been spread out over the course of a year. She blames me instead of herself and her dumbass lawyer.
> 
> What's crazy is that her dad has been paying for all the flights and nearly all the child support EVERY month for the last several years(he ended up paying for her lawyer; yes ger dad is an enabler vit that's for another story).
> 
> I dont care that her dad pays, but i do take issue that she blames me for all her financial woes. This, despite her having the kids less than 25% of the time and making a little more in salary than i do. Yes, she's weird and crazy.


Is any of this really relevant to how you live your life HD? Sounds to me like it's her problem, not yours. I guess I'm saying let it go and just focus on your own problems, which it sounds to me like you are doing a very thorough job of. I also would imagine it is very difficult to spend so much time away from your kids in the summer (I've been dealing with my own health issue and have not had my son in my custody for most of the summer and it's very tough emotionally to think about and to miss him so much)


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## 3Xnocharm

The thing about your XW that has always baffled me is how SHE made the choice to move several states away from her own children, yet has the audacity to whine and complain about her travel costs! Seriously, who's damn fault is that?? If travel is such a burden, then she can move ass back to TX. No way should she get any special concessions for her choice. 

Sorry, kinda ranted there! LOL!


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## Houstondad

Ha! No worries on the rant regarding her moving away from her kids. I think most would agree with you.

And I'm sorry for delaying to answer the question that was asked to why I care? I care how if two parents can't get along and/or work together, that their kids may suffer for it. And may i be clear that the only civil communication I seek is about the topic of our kids.
I am a school counselor and when my students are struggling and come to see me, its overwhelmingly due to parental/ spousal conflict at home between their parents. Both divorced and married parents. You wouldnt believe some of the things that goes on. Anyways, i just dont want there to be that kind of conflict between her and I. Its not to that point yet fortunately. I'd rather we be able to cooperate and work together when the circumstances ask for it.
But i also understand that if the other person is unwilling to be a team player or at least communicate , that i will have to let go and just continue being the best father to my kids.


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## Houstondad

And Lon, i am sorry to hear what you're going through. Its very hard when your kids are away for any length of time. But they'll be home with you as soon as you know it.  I hope your health improves too!


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## Houstondad

This will probably be my final post on this thread. After going back and reading everyone's posts, especially my own, i realized that I was still clinging to what I believed my EX and I should be doing as co-parents. And that comes across as controlling despite my good intentions. 

So i have decided that I am no longer going to spend/waste any energy trying to get my EX on board with my beliefs/expectations regarding our kids. And that includes dwelling on it too!

I realized that it's very probable that between her and I, that I have the most influence on our kids since they live with me over 75% of the time. So i need to continue investing in myself and my relationship with my kids and not worry about hers.

Thank you for your responses and help to keep me on track and remind me what is truly important in my life.


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## *Deidre*

She sounds like a narcissist, and they are narcissists with everyone...their parents, their kids, their siblings, their lovers, their exes, their spouses, etc. I don't have kids and have never been married, but ...my advice would be to not discuss anything with her anymore, relating to 'how' to better parent. It is falling on deaf ears, because she simply doesn't care. If she cared, your son would be brushing his teeth and not watched 'Saw.' She doesn't care because she is a narcissist, and the only way to deal with a narcissist, is to not deal with them. Your best path to take is to just discuss only things that have to do with making plans, and arrangements...and then, when you are with your kids, be the best dad you can be. You can't make up for her crappy parenting, but you can be there for them. It is sad that she sucks as a mom, but it is what it is. I wouldn't keep contacting her, and discussing things with her...because she doesn't care. There won't be this light bulb moment that she has over your ''talks'' with her...it won't happen, because narcissists don't self reflect.

Sorry you're in such a position, but just work on taking care of your kids and you...and deal with her very sparingly.


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## Cynthia

I also wouldn't tell her anything about the diarys you found. Likely she would mishandle the information and make a spin to the kids that cast you in a bad light. For example, saying that you have no right to "snoop" in their lives. I don't have a problem with what you did and would have done the same thing, but the kids would probably not feel that way and she could put a wedge between you and the kids over it.


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## Cooper

So your ex father in law is the one who gave you the "she doesn't trust you" information. I wonder if those were really your ex's words or ex FIL' version? I would be more inclined to think she f***ing hates you, I don't see where trust comes into this at all. I'm sure she has painted you in a bad light and that's what forced her to cheat/divorce/abandon kids/leave the state, she's going to do that to elevate her guilt. For the sake of the kids her dad is trying to stay low key so he can remain in their life, he doesn't want to anger her and he doesn't want to anger you, he just wants to see the grand kids. So if you question him he is going to water down everything he says. And who can blame him, I'm sure he's embarrassed by his daughters actions.

How did a conversation even come about where he told you she doesn't trust you? Personally I would never have that type on conversation with my ex in laws. As a matter of fact my ex did close to the same as yours, left me and the kids. I went and spoke to my in laws and told them I wanted them to stay involved with the kids and we would never get into the game playing he said/she said crap. We never did and it worked out just fine.

As for the journal you found what would be the point of bringing it up to the ex? Would the point be to punish her? Is that going to help your daughter? You know what would happen? Your daughter will get ticked at you for; A-reading her private journal, B-talking about her private journal. She would look at it as a betrayal of trust, I suggest you just keep your mouth shut about it.


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## arbitrator

*I would hedgingly offer full trust to my often bipolar first wife, the mother of my sons; but there is absolutely no way in Hades that I would ever come to offer personal trust to my RSXW for her covert unconsciable lying, cheating, and deception during my marriage to her!

That would greatly be tantamount to trusting a thief who wantonly and brazenly stole something that was very precious from you! *
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45

*Deidre* said:


> She sounds like a narcissist, and they are narcissists with everyone...their parents, their kids, their siblings, their lovers, their exes, their spouses, etc. I don't have kids and have never been married, but ...my advice would be to not discuss anything with her anymore, relating to 'how' to better parent. It is falling on deaf ears, because she simply doesn't care. If she cared, your son would be brushing his teeth and not watched 'Saw.' She doesn't care because she is a narcissist, and the only way to deal with a narcissist, is to not deal with them. Your best path to take is to just discuss only things that have to do with making plans, and arrangements...and then, when you are with your kids, be the best dad you can be. You can't make up for her crappy parenting, but you can be there for them. It is sad that she sucks as a mom, but it is what it is. I wouldn't keep contacting her, and discussing things with her...because she doesn't care. There won't be this light bulb moment that she has over your ''talks'' with her...it won't happen, because narcissists don't self reflect.
> 
> Sorry you're in such a position, but just work on taking care of your kids and you...and deal with her very sparingly.


She is a narcissist in every sense. She sucks as a wife, as a mom...she's pathetic. 

If I were HD I would sue for full custody.


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## Ceegee

Houstondad said:


> Hey everyone. How should I effictively coparent with an EX who apparently does not trust me.
> A quick history:
> I divorced her after 10 yrs of marriage. She cheated and ultimately left us (myself and the kids). She had moved to Minneapolis (we live in Houston). I am the custodial parent and they are with me during the school year. They visit her on holidays and most of the summer.
> 
> It was an amicable divorce and for the exception of a bone-headed move on her part early on in the divorce, we have been fairly civil with each other.
> 
> Unfortunately, we went to court earlier this year due to a disagreement in child support. She wanted to pay less than the minimum and I wouldnt agree to that. The whole thing was a debacle in court. Neither one of us got what we wanted. Now she no longer contacts me. Learned from her father she doesn't trust me.
> 
> I am concerned this will affect our co-parenting which was weak at best since she lives so far away. Ever since the final court judgement in March, i have not heard from their mom at all. I have decided to contact her and not wait on her.
> 
> How should i handle this?
> 
> I feel that no matter how genuine and peaceful I come across, she's not going to trust me. And no, i haven't done anything i can think of for her to feel that way.


Admittedly, I have only read OP so far.

You have the kids. You get child support. You haven't heard from your cheatin' XW in 5 months.

What am I missing here?

Sounds like heaven.


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