# What is Sex anyways?



## Smartnstuff (Mar 21, 2013)

So me and my husband are about 30 years old and well the sex is happening about 1 time a month if that.... Not sure what is going on and not sure if men start to lose the drive at this age. But I AM LOSING IT. my drive is increasing and I don't know what to do.  
I feel that I am starting to pester him also, And not to mention all the things I am reading where its abnormal for a relationship if you are not at least having sex twice a week! So if you guys would please help me with any advise or natural solutions ideas anything that would be great.. 
I am so lost


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## Code-Welder (Dec 17, 2012)

Smartnstuff said:


> So me and my husband are about 30 years old and well the sex is happening about 1 time a month if that.... Not sure what is going on and not sure if men start to lose the drive at this age. But I AM LOSING IT. my drive is increasing and I don't know what to do.
> I feel that I am starting to pester him also, And not to mention all the things I am reading where its abnormal for a relationship if you are not at least having sex twice a week! So if you guys would please help me with any advise or natural solutions ideas anything that would be great..
> I am so lost


Has he been to a Doctor lately for a check up? Did this happen all at once or was this a slow progression? Have you put on weight or has he put on weight? When some men get older drive drops, but most times it is not till 50-60 age range.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

There are several women here married to low drive (LD) men so it is not uncommon. 

I think you are going to have to accept the role as leader and instigator of your sex life and learn how to guide your husband in how to keep you happy. 

You will probably have to learn to accept less than an ideal sex life or move on.


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## Smartnstuff (Mar 21, 2013)

It has been a slower notice with the drop. Also I am not in shape I would love to be again, Also he has put some on.. He has been to the Dr. but I don't think that they tested his testosterone levels or anything. I am losing my mind though cause I feel I want it 24/7 and he is like EH? I really don't want to head down the wrong path and I need this fixed now. I don't want to put him down and make him feel he is doing anything wrong either...


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

What is sex, anyway? Sex is a HUGE part of a healthy relationship, and an imbalance between supply and demand can cause a rift that may eventually become too big to fix. If left untreated, this type of situation could very likely lead to your eventual divorce - or just a very unhappy, fulfilling marriage of many years. (This issue wasn't the only factor in my divorce, but one of the two most important/biggest factor.) Additionally, in many, MANY cases, a lot of physical intimacy is a symptom of other larger, underlying problems in a relationship.

He's not going to like it, but you and he need to sit down and talk about this, and when I say talk, I mean communicate. Because it sounds to me like you're not talking about this at all - if you were, you would know why this is happening. And you need to do this soon; the longer you wait, the worse the problem will get, and you'll start to resent him.

You might want to find a (sex positive) marriage counselor to work with you both, 1) to help you work on your communication, and 2) to help find a solution to this problem. I also suggest a counselor because he's likely to get very defensive. This may be very sensitive for him -- for all you know, his current inability to meet his wife's needs may be completely emasculating, and wrecking his confidence and self-esteem. And the way our culture socially conditions men, he my not be able to admit or communicate that readily. If you approach this on your own, it could work out fine, but it could also make matters worse, if you don't know what you're doing/the best way to go about it. A counselor is trained in this sort of thing. Additionally, if this intimacy issue is indeed a symptom of other underlying issues, a counselor will help you both to identify them and work on fixing them.

If you're down with the self-help book thing (I totally am, I internalize most of what I read, and self-help books have actually helped me a lot, but I'm still a work in progress!), I would recommend the following:

The Sex-Starved Wife: What to Do When He's Lost Desire: Michele Weiner Davis: 9780743266277: Amazon.com: Books
The Sex-Starved Marriage: Boosting Your Marriage Libido: A Couple's Guide: Michele Weiner Davis: 9780743227339: Amazon.com: Books
Intimacy & Desire: Awaken the Passion in Your Relationship: David Schnarch: 9780825305672: Amazon.com: Books

Good luck to you!


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

Yes I agree 
-anything which undermines his confidence will not help the situation. 

But you do need to make sure that he knows how you feel about this. That you need regular sex and need to feel sexually desired. He needs to make a commitment to do his husbandly duty to make sure you feel valued and complete. 

An the same time you are going to have to stretch your understanding as far as you can to adjust to his not valuing sex as much as you and to give the marriage relationship time to adjust.

Some times people do not make their needs very clear. Sometimes guys are pretty dense and do not pick up on hints or quite suggestions. 

Sometimes it is better to just give them written instructions on what they need to do.

I understand it is no fun to basically order your hubby to love you but it isn't that he does not love you already. He could be blissfully unaware that there is a problem. Or he does not understand the full ramifications of letting this problem continue.


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## Smartnstuff (Mar 21, 2013)

What do you think would happen if we schedule sex dates. Do you think this would be a turn off for him like its just something to procedure? Cause I was thinking of making three days a week a pencil in? I don't know how to really approach this with him. But that you for the book advice pretty sure I will be buying that this weekend! you guys are awesome on this site I love the response from you all!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

IMO, that isn't normal.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Have you ever had a good/busy sex life or is this something new?


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## Smartnstuff (Mar 21, 2013)

Well he is super busy with work been working a ton of overtime. And I just told him that we really need to make time for each other and re connect we can't keep putting it off. Especially when I am reading tons of things with ppl and health sex lives. It scares me I really can't have sex just 1 time a month that's so wrong. Also I just think we need to get into having sex at least twice a week I feel that this would help us re connect again.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Scheduling works for some people, and when you're a busy couple (it sounds like he doesn't have a lot of free time), it can be a saving grace. BUT some people have a real problem with it. For example, my ex's argument was that it "ruined the spontaneity" (I thought it added a little bit of excitement and anticipation, i.e. feeling giddy all day because "I'm having sex tonight!); if your hubby is already stressed out over work, he may feel that it puts too much pressure on him to perform.

Again, this might be something that is better suggested by a counselor, rather than you directly, depending on how you think he might receive it. You know your hubby better than we do. Will he feel like you're adding one more thing to his Honey Do list, or will he appreciate being able to allot a defined amount of time/designated date & time to an activity he enjoys?


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Can you schedule a romantic weekend away, to help you both reconnect? And then after you've had a weekend full of nooky, and you're both feeling satisfied - and not edgy because you've gone without for too long - you could bring it up. Say how great the weekend was, and that you felt closer to him than you have had in a long time. That you're concerned that a lack of physical intimacy is damaging to the relationship, and does he feel the same way? And what does HE think you (as a couple) should do about it?

That will allow him some ownership and control over the situation.


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## Smartnstuff (Mar 21, 2013)

I know it sucks I really didn't think that we would have this issue only being 31... But its ok! we will figure this out. It's going to be weird at first but I think that the force schedule will hopefully turn into a off schedule all the time thing!!!! one can dream right!


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Smartnstuff said:


> So me and my husband are about 30 years old and well the sex is happening about 1 time a month if that.... Not sure what is going on and not sure if men start to lose the drive at this age. But I AM LOSING IT. my drive is increasing and I don't know what to do.
> I feel that I am starting to pester him also, And not to mention all the things I am reading where its abnormal for a relationship if you are not at least having sex twice a week! So if you guys would please help me with any advise or natural solutions ideas anything that would be great..
> I am so lost


He's gonna have to speak up. There's so many possibilities so I won't be very helpful maybe.
- Could be substance abuse or prescription medications.
- Could be low testosterone or anxiety.
- Could be some other medical issue (blood pressure, thyroid, etc).
- Could be depression.
- Could be an emotional attachment to an AP possibly. Weird as it sounds some people think they're cheating on their AP with their SO.
- Could be he's attracted to a different gender or body shape or size.
- Could be emotional. Some people like sex no matter, others only like it when intimacy is good.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> He's gonna have to speak up. There's so many possibilities so I won't be very helpful maybe.
> - Could be substance abuse or prescription medications.
> - Could be low testosterone or anxiety.
> - Could be some other medical issue (blood pressure, thyroid, etc).
> ...


Another reason to think about a counselor... many of these, he might not be willing to admit to a wife who's cronfronted him


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Smartnstuff said:


> It scares me I really can't have sex just 1 time a month that's so wrong. Also I just think we need to get into having sex at least twice a week I feel that this would help us re connect again.


If you have not told him this, you should.


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## Smartnstuff (Mar 21, 2013)

Yes I told him we actually had a talk last night He is saying that he is good with the schedule but I hope it doesn't take the fun out of things... I am really excited to start re connecting again. Also if you all have any fun ideas to spice it up let me know.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

Smartnstuff said:


> Well he is super busy with work been working a ton of overtime. And I just told him that we really need to make time for each other and re connect we can't keep putting it off. Especially when I am reading tons of things with ppl and health sex lives. It scares me I really can't have sex just 1 time a month that's so wrong. Also I just think we need to get into having sex at least twice a week I feel that this would help us re connect again.


My wife responds to scheduled sex very well but that is her personality -she is a list maker and planer. 

Just depends on the person if they are generally agreeable to sex but simply do not think about it very much than this might be good. 

If they feel like it is putting pressure on them that they won't be able to manage then it will be a problem. 

When someone crits the lack of spontaneity my reading is that just means they do not think that they can do it that regularly.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Good for you both talking things out! That's wonderful!

Here are a couple of books that may be fun...

https://www.google.com/shopping/pro...5&ei=X2L-Uo2ILpKCyAHajYFA&ved=0CO0DEKYrMBI4FA


Sex Is Fun!: Creative Ideas for Exciting Sex: Kidder Kaper: 9781583333921: Amazon.com: Books


http://www.amazon.com/1001-Sexcapades-Do-You-Dare/dp/1598699032/ref=pd_sim_b_21


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Smartnstuff said:


> Yes I told him we actually had a talk last night He is saying that he is good with the schedule but I hope it doesn't take the fun out of things... I am really excited to start re connecting again. Also if you all have any fun ideas to spice it up let me know.


That is GREAT!!!! 

Now, don't forget... one of you needs to make sure you stick to the schedule!


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