# So we're in love, now what?



## TXTrini

So, my dude and I have been kicking it for just under 11 months, we've been taking things slow, it's been a comfortable pace. Recently, he told me he loved me, and I'm both happy and somewhat scared, b/c it seems like suddenly **** got real. I fell hard for him several months ago, and it's a relief to be on the same level. I've felt somewhat off-balance and anxious, but I've been busy with grad school and didn'tallow myself to become obsessive.

He came clean about harboring strong feelings from the getgo, but he was cautious as my divorce is so new. He was concerned I wasn't ready for a serious relationship. Yes, this is the same guy who didn't like labels and took his good old time to establish we were bf/gf. I totally understood his caution, it would suck to fall for someone and then get your heart ripped into pieces if they couldn't return your feelings. 

We're both sensitive, analytical and introverted and it's been this weird dance of super-connected and skittish. Now that it's all in the open, we want to spend every free moment together, and we're both having trouble sleeping when we're apart. I'm only now daring to think about how we would get along on a day to day basis, but he's been thinking of the future for some time now and dropping hints. He wants me to meet his family soon, like within the next few weeks.

I haven't been in a new relationship in over 20 yrs and am a complete loss as to how to proceed. Things are much different at 40+ that an 20, so I'm out of depth here and could really use some advice.


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## Diana7

TXTrini said:


> So, my dude and I have been kicking it for just under 11 months, we've been taking things slow, it's been a comfortable pace. Recently, he told me he loved me, and I'm both happy and somewhat scared, b/c it seems like suddenly **** got real. I fell hard for him several months ago, and it's a relief to be on the same level. I've felt somewhat off-balance and anxious, but I've been busy with grad school and didn'tallow myself to become obsessive.
> 
> He came clean about harboring strong feelings from the getgo, but he was cautious as my divorce is so new. He was concerned I wasn't ready for a serious relationship. Yes, this is the same guy who didn't like labels and took his good old time to establish we were bf/gf. I totally understood his caution, it would suck to fall for someone and then get your heart ripped into pieces if they couldn't return your feelings.
> 
> We're both sensitive, analytical and introverted and it's been this weird dance of super-connected and skittish. Now that it's all in the open, we want to spend every free moment together, and we're both having trouble sleeping when we're apart. I'm only now daring to think about how we would get along on a day to day basis, but he's been thinking of the future for some time now and dropping hints. He wants me to meet his family soon, like within the next few weeks.
> 
> I haven't been in a new relationship in over 20 yrs and am a complete loss as to how to proceed. Things are much different at 40+ that an 20, so I'm out of depth here and could really use some advice.


Just go with the flow. To be honest when I met my now second husband in our late 40's we met each others families very quickly. We knew within a very short time that we wanted to marry and fell in love very soon and married after 9 months, so to me your relationship has been very slow if you are only meeting family after a year and he has only just said I love you. I can understand though that if you are very recently divorced you have wanted to take things slowly, it was 4 years after my marriage ended before I felt ready to even think of dating. Two more years after that before I met my now husband. I hadnt dated in 26 years and my husband in 23, yes it can be daunting. 

Does he want to get married at some point? Do you? Have you met each others children yet if you have them? Any red flags? Do you share the important values in life?

Yes, meet each others family, spend more time together and see what happens. Time will tell.


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## Sfort

Dr. Phil, as I recall, says that you're not ready for the next permanent relationship until a period of one month per year of marriage has passed. At least take your time. If it's true love, you'll both hang around.


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## Diana7

Sfort said:


> Dr. Phil, as I recall, says that you're not ready for the next permanent relationship until a period of one month per year of marriage has passed. At least take your time. If it's true love, you'll both hang around.


I agree, I have read its 2-5 years as a rule before thinking of another relationship, but the OP has been in one for a year already. Not sure when her divorce happened.


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## Divinely Favored

I met my wife in Aug 96 she was divorcing her serial cheating ex of 10 yrs. Her divorce was final Oct 96 moved in together Nov 96 brought out ring box for Christmas and she freaked....i said it is not what you think! I had bought her a Sapphire(birthstone) ring and ear rings for present. Popped that question Jan 97 and married May 97. Going strong as ever and cant get enough of each other. She says she is soo in love with me and i say "I said it first"😁


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## WandaJ

I am happy for you, that things are going well. I’d say too -go with the flow. Meet the family, it will give you an idea who he is outside your relationship.


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## DownByTheRiver

It always worries me when someone gets serious from the get-go. Because they don't KNOW you at the get-go, so what you have is someone who's probably to some extent got blinders on and just hopes you are that ideal woman in their head. 

My best advice is do not let him pressure or hurry you. Tell him you need to get through school before you even know where you might end up but that you care very much about him. You don't let someone pressure you into buying a house just because they are anxious to sell, right? You have to have some boundaries here. 11 months is a decent amount of time, but it can take much longer to really get to know someone. People are on their best behavior, often concealing all kinds of things, in the first weeks, months, year of dating. For example, a friend of mine was with a guy 3 years and it wasn't until they married and moved to where he was newly stationed, had her away from her friends and family, that he decided to control her by hitting her. 

Just don't let him crowd you on the subject. Just because he's sure doesn't mean you are. Be sure before you make a big commitment to him that you have seen him when he's having car trouble, when you're having car trouble, when he's sick, when you're sick, when a loved one dies or other crisis, and_ be certain you have seen how he is when he is not getting his way,_ because that's the real litmus test of his character and whether it will hold up through real life. 

Good luck. Slow down. Keep boundaries.


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## TXTrini

Hi guys, thank you for your replies, I probably left out some relevant information, so I'll try to address your questions/comments. 



Diana7 said:


> Just go with the flow. To be honest when I met my now second husband in our late 40's we met each others families very quickly. We knew within a very short time that we wanted to marry and fell in love very soon and married after 9 months, so to me your relationship has been very slow if you are only meeting family after a year and he has only just said I love you. I can understand though that if you are very recently divorced you have wanted to take things slowly, it was 4 years after my marriage ended before I felt ready to even think of dating. Two more years after that before I met my now husband. I hadnt dated in 26 years and my husband in 23, yes it can be daunting.
> 
> Does he want to get married at some point? Do you? Have you met each others children yet if you have them? Any red flags? Do you share the important values in life?
> 
> Yes, meet each others family, spend more time together and see what happens. Time will tell.


My divorce was final 03/20, DD was in 09/19. I acted quickly as it was the last straw (PA after previous EAs). I started dating mostly because I know the longer I took to get back out there, the less likely it was I ever would. I met his son within the first two months, I met his close friends a few months larer. He's been wanting me to meet his mom for several months, I didn't want to until I knew we were something. He's met my mom bc we live together and they get along fine.

I don't have children (can't), he had his kids in his 20s, one is grown, one is almost, so blending families won't be an issue. We have a lot in common, I like the level of honesty, even about hard topics. I thought he may have been emotionally unavailable at first, but he's cautious. I can't criticize that, bc I'm the same, I prefer to take my time getting serious, especially after my experience. I like his committment to family, I like that we can disagree on potentially incindieary topics (politics, religion) and have discussion. 

He's open to getting married again, and I know he wants to live with a partner again eventually. I'm still working out what I want, after my divorce, my views on marriage have taken a hit, I'm not sure it's worth legally binding myself to another man if it's not "for better or worse ". I've never lived with a man I wasn't engaged to (married within a month or two). We're both committed otherwise for 2 years, so I didn't expect things to go too quickly. I'm content to go with the flow, but now that our feelings are out there, we've started looking at what life together could look like.



Sfort said:


> Dr. Phil, as I recall, says that you're not ready for the next permanent relationship until a period of one month per year of marriage has passed. At least take your time. If it's true love, you'll both hang around.


I totally agree! I'm committed to finishing my program and switching fields first. I didn't expect to meet someone I clicked with so soon, the singles thread was a warning for me that I might have to kiss a lot of frogs to meet someone I liked. 😁 I did meet and pass on a LOT of men, so no FOMO here. It works or it doesn't in the long run, I just don't know how to proceed, it just feels so different at 40+ than at 21.



Divinely Favored said:


> I met my wife in Aug 96 she was divorcing her serial cheating ex of 10 yrs. Her divorce was final Oct 96 moved in together Nov 96 brought out ring box for Christmas and she freaked....i said it is not what you think! I had bought her a Sapphire(birthstone) ring and ear rings for present. Popped that question Jan 97 and married May 97. Going strong as ever and cant get enough of each other. She says she is soo in love with me and i say "I said it first"😁


That's quite a story! Sounds a lot faster than I'd like to move, but I'm happy things have worked out for you guys! I'm already twice divorced and I'm reluctant to rush into marriage (if that's in the cards). I feel like even though we've been together 11 months, we're now learning each other on a deeper level. 



WandaJ said:


> I am happy for you, that things are going well. I’d say too -go with the flow. Meet the family, it will give you an idea who he is outside your relationship.


Thank you! His son adores him, and they actually spend quality time together. He's not a typical teenager stuck to his phone. He hugged me when I left when we had some time together, my bf and I were very surprised. We've 2 tried to get together with his friends again, but I can't do last minute and manage my deadlines. 



DownByTheRiver said:


> It always worries me when someone gets serious from the get-go. Because they don't KNOW you at the get-go, so what you have is someone who's probably to some extent got blinders on and just hopes you are that ideal woman in their head.
> 
> My best advice is do not let him pressure or hurry you. Tell him you need to get through school before you even know where you might end up but that you care very much about him. You don't let someone pressure you into buying a house just because they are anxious to sell, right? You have to have some boundaries here. 11 months is a decent amount of time, but it can take much longer to really get to know someone. People are on their best behavior, often concealing all kinds of things, in the first weeks, months, year of dating. For example, a friend of mine was with a guy 3 years and it wasn't until they married and moved to where he was newly stationed, had her away from her friends and family, that he decided to control her by hitting her.
> 
> Just don't let him crowd you on the subject. Just because he's sure doesn't mean you are. Be sure before you make a big commitment to him that you have seen him when he's having car trouble, when you're having car trouble, when he's sick, when you're sick, when a loved one dies or other crisis, and_ be certain you have seen how he is when he is not getting his way,_ because that's the real litmus test of his character and whether it will hold up through real life.
> 
> Good luck. Slow down. Keep boundaries.


We didn't get serious from the get-go, we're only now starting to talk about future things as we are seeing a lot we like in each other. I'm leery about rushing for exactly the reasons you're cautioning about. It took me nearly 7 years to marry my ex, so I'm certainly not interested in rushing to lock down (look at how that turned out). I'm really sorry about your friend, I hope she got out of that situation. 

Neither of us is looking to have children (I'm 41, he's 45), so there's no biological ticking clock. We've seen each other through serious illness (mine) and job loss (both) so far and it hasn't been an easy road, but it's calm and steady. We're both in industries that were devastated by the pandemic, and we're trying to make our ways (separately but supportive) through that, hence my timeline and our priorities. 

If it doesn't work out, I know I'll be ok, bc I have to be, but it would be nice if things work out. He hasn't said outright he wants to get serious immediately, but he commented he knows I won't be ready for anything serious for at least another year or two, but I'm worth the wait. He's been divorced about 11 yrs, his last long term relationship ended about 3 yrs ago. He was single for a year before we met and was looking for a real relationship. I'm good with waiting to see how things go, but at the same time I don't want to hurt him or waste his time if he wants more sooner. He's been very patient, understanding and considerate with me, so I want to be careful, he's a sensitive, affectionate man.


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## DownByTheRiver

I think a whole lot of divorced people, especially those not trying to have children, would just stay single, especially this early. I mean, of course you're worth the wait, but really, it's about mixing finances and getting kids involved and I guess living together. The latter would be a rude shock to me since I've been single forever. It's also about if you run your life or if you have to coordinate and agree on things with someone. The longer you know him, the clearer that picture will be. At this stage, the most practical reason to marry is so if you go in the hospital and he's who you'd want making decisions, he's legally able to do that. But as long as you have someone else you trust for that, that's not even a consideration at the moment. 

Freedom is worth a lot, just knowing your options are open. Maybe first step is in another year, you reassess, talk about just moving in together but NOT mixing money. You know, once you mix money, it's a struggle to leave a relationship. You can't just leave free and easy. I don't see why he'd be impatient to make it legal. I don't know too many men who are. You're still in school. Your work could take you anywhere, couldn't it? Wouldn't you want the choice to move for a job or not?


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## TXTrini

DownByTheRiver said:


> I think a whole lot of divorced people, especially those not trying to have children, would just stay single, especially this early. I mean, of course you're worth the wait, but really, it's about mixing finances and getting kids involved and I guess living together. The latter would be a rude shock to me since I've been single forever. It's also about if you run your life or if you have to coordinate and agree on things with someone. The longer you know him, the clearer that picture will be. At this stage, the most practical reason to marry is so if you go in the hospital and he's who you'd want making decisions, he's legally able to do that. But as long as you have someone else you trust for that, that's not even a consideration at the moment.
> 
> Freedom is worth a lot, just knowing your options are open. Maybe first step is in another year, you reassess, talk about just moving in together but NOT mixing money. You know, once you mix money, it's a struggle to leave a relationship. You can't just leave free and easy. I don't see why he'd be impatient to make it legal. I don't know too many men who are. You're still in school. Your work could take you anywhere, couldn't it? Wouldn't you want the choice to move for a job or not?


Thanks for your post DownByTheRiver, but I think you're getting way ahead of the situation. I have no idea how people progress in relationships nowadays, so I'm just trying to get some insight. I definitely agree there's no rush to remarry, that's not at all in the picture anytime soon. Ideally, I'm looking to work remotely in my field, and I have no interest in leaving Texas. Thankfully, Texas has been doing well, despite everything.


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## SpinyNorman

Sfort said:


> Dr. Phil, as I recall, says that you're not ready for the next permanent relationship until a period of one month per year of marriage has passed. At least take your time. If it's true love, you'll both hang around.


I agree w/ take your time, but I don't think emotions work on formulas like that.


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## TXTrini

SpinyNorman said:


> I agree w/ take your time, but I don't think emotions work on formulas like that.


Tell me about it! Still, we aren't teenagers, we got **** to do besides each other 😅. So any clues? You're a dude.


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## Lance Mannion

TXTrini said:


> Tell me about it! Still, we aren't teenagers, we got **** to do besides each other 😅. So any clues? You're a dude.


Don't worry about how other people date, associate, interact. You've written that you've already interacted with a number of guys and dispensed with them. Now you found a keeper. It seems to be working well , you're happy, he's happy, he wants to deepen ties. How other people do it is irrelevant, do what you want to do, but think about it first, which you clearly are, mull it over, savor it, kick the tires some more. If he is the one pushing for new levels, then you default into being the one who reacts and through your reaction you control the pace, you either go with it or put the brakes on and slow it down.

It's all you, baby, it's all you, not the rest of the world.


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## TXTrini

Lance Mannion said:


> Don't worry about how other people date, associate, interact. You've written that you've already interacted with a number of guys and dispensed with them. Now you found a keeper. It seems to be working well , you're happy, he's happy, he wants to deepen ties. How other people do it is irrelevant, do what you want to do, but think about it first, which you clearly are, mull it over, savor it, kick the tires some more. If he is the one pushing for new levels, then you default into being the one who reacts and through your reaction you control the pace, you either go with it or put the brakes on and slow it down.
> 
> It's all you, baby, it's all you, not the rest of the world.


Thank you for your advice, Lance. You're right, it is my (our) decision on how to conduct a relationship, the trouble is I haven't exactly had many. I was married most of my adult life, it did not end well, so I'm trying to use my noggin, and not get carried away with my feelings. He's not a pushy guy at all, he's been really considerate. We get on great together, we are quite happy and no one's pushing.


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## Lance Mannion

TXTrini said:


> Thank you for your advice, Lance. You're right, it is my (our) decision on how to conduct a relationship, the trouble is I haven't exactly had many. I was married most of my adult life, it did not end well, so I'm trying to use my noggin, and not get carried away with my feelings. He's not a pushy guy at all, he's been really considerate. We get on great together, we are quite happy and no one's pushing.


Make and follow your own rules, that's what we did. Do it your way because you're the one who has to live your life, not the other people who follow more traditional ways. Even your past experience is not, by itself, evidence that you went wrong, you just got unlucky, but learn from it. Probably the key is to see how you felt about your ex's qualities that once attracted you, did they hold up over time or did you find that they became a problem or lose their effect on you, that would tell you something about yourself too, then think about what your new beau is doing which attracts you and think about how you might feel about his personality quirks after being exposed to them 100,000 times in a row.

Savor the newness!


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## RebuildingMe

Hi Texas, I know the “I love you” was a long time in the making. I am thrilled that you have both finally expressed what you probably have both been feeling for months (damn introverts, lol). I say keep the focus on you. Your life, your house, your education and your career. At the end, if it is meant to be, you will both be happy and in each other’s lives. 

Now, for your thoughts on marriage and happy ever after...glad you are seeing the light


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## TXTrini

Lance Mannion said:


> Make and follow your own rules, that's what we did. Do it your way because you're the one who has to live your life, not the other people who follow more traditional ways. Even your past experience is not, by itself, evidence that you went wrong, you just got unlucky, but learn from it. Probably the key is to see how you felt about your ex's qualities that once attracted you, did they hold up over time or did you find that they became a problem or lose their effect on you, that would tell you something about yourself too, then think about what your new beau is doing which attracts you and think about how you might feel about his personality quirks after being exposed to them 100,000 times in a row.
> 
> Savor the newness!


You can check out the details on my other threads. I'vm twice divorced and both exes turned out to be "Peter Pan" , cheating types. I think I have too high of a tolerance for BS and need to be more decisive in cutting my losses instead of being too nostalgic. I gave my 2nd ex too many chances bc I didn't want to be divorced again and I was comfortable with the familiar. 

So far my guy seems to put his money where his mouth is, he doesn't only claim to be honest or have integrity, he lives it. Of course it's too soon to see how that holds up, but only one way to find out,. Many women would discount him bc he's not career driven, flashy or loaded, but he's responsible and meets his commitments. I'm not the workaholic type either, I prefer to have more time than things, though many people misjudge me bc I'm the kind of woman who will wear makeup to go to the grocery 😃. 

He definitely brings it in the bedroom, I'm not putting up with a lazy, sexless man again. So yeah, I'm definitely savoring the newness 😆.


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## TXTrini

RebuildingMe said:


> Hi Texas, I know the “I love you” was a long time in the making. I am thrilled that you have both finally expressed what you probably have both been feeling for months (damn introverts, lol). I say keep the focus on you. Your life, your house, your education and your career. At the end, if it is meant to be, you will both be happy and in each other’s lives.
> 
> Now, for your thoughts on marriage and happy ever after...glad you are seeing the light


I am thrilled! I knew the ****er was feeling it for a while now, I was just antsy and vulnerable being the one to spill the beans first. He's the cautious sort, and I can't blame him for that, heck I wish I was more so! I suppose us both being self-contained, analytical introverts didn't help, but that's just for the mushy stuff, we're open and passionate about everything else.

He just gets a little butthurt sometimes when I hold back, but I'm just not prepared to give more of myself than I get anymore. Maybe that will change with time, I know I'm gunshy after the **** show that was my life. The pace has actually been good for me, I might decide quickly if I'm feeling someone or not, but I don't like being hurried into merging lives.


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## attheend02

Good Luck TXTrini!

Can't really give you much advice as I am currently in the same situation. I really enjoy my girlfriend and sometimes think about long term.
The thought of marriage is pretty scary. At what point in the relationship does commitment = marriage?


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## TXTrini

attheend02 said:


> Good Luck TXTrini!
> 
> Can't really give you much advice as I am currently in the same situation. I really enjoy my girlfriend and sometimes think about long term.
> The thought of marriage is pretty scary. At what point in the relationship does commitment = marriage?


That's exactly my dilemma! One day at a time, right? How long have you been together?


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## attheend02

TXTrini said:


> That's exactly my dilemma! One day at a time, right? How long have you been together?


We met in January, had slow start, but got pretty intense in March due to the qovid lockdown.


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## TXTrini

attheend02 said:


> We met in January, had slow start, but got pretty intense in March due to the qovid lockdown.


That's about the same timeline for us, except we didn't start seeing each other more until late July. I was ill right after my divorce in March. We see each other every other weekend but we spend whole weekends together and are constantly in touch otherwise. How often do you guys see each other?


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## Not

I’m going through this process too. We met in March, both late 40’s, and slowly began spending more and more time together. We’re together usually 5 days a week now. Every Friday evening through Monday morning and two to three days during the week so we’re doing the practically living together thing.

We don’t like being apart but at the same time it’s how things have to be. We both agree that serious entanglement is crazy this early on but we just can’t get enough of each other so being apart also drives us nuts. It’s like we’re trying to be smart about this but having a hard time with the being apart non-sense lol!

I like it like this because the more time spent together the better we get to know each other and at the same time it’s safe. By that I mean if things don’t work out there are no major entanglements and yet we’re still together enough now that we’re getting a really good taste of what living together would look like and so far it’s been more than good.

We do talk about the future in a general sense, we‘re always making “we” statements when talking about the future. We include each other in everything. No talk of marriage or moving into the same home together though, to soon......for us. If one of us decides to “go there” in conversation then we’ll tackle that together when it happens. It’s how we handle everything. I think we both see this as something that’ll go the distance at this time but caution is still present.

So I guess we’re doing things our way. Taking it day by day and making adjustments as needed.


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## SpinyNorman

TXTrini said:


> Tell me about it! Still, we aren't teenagers, we got **** to do besides each other 😅. So any clues? You're a dude.


It might be nice if the formula worked, but a friend recently divorced after 23 years and it seems like she spent the last few realizing what a disaster it was, so when she bailed she was good and ready to move on.

It might be nice if we knew, but unless it's really obvious we are guessing.

So the terrifying news is, you have to decide when you're ready, but people no smarter than you do that every day. It sounds like he is more ready to advance than you are, but usually one person is for a while. It also sounds like he understands your reluctance, that makes it easier and also speaks well of him.

I wouldn't worry how other people do this. You both sound like you've made decisions that don't jibe w/ society's expectations, so why should this be different. Think about what kind of life would make you happy. Could you be happy married? If you're not sure, let him know you're not sure. If you could, what would your marriage be like? That's really as important as the first one, talk it out w/ him.


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## TXTrini

Not said:


> I’m going through this process too. We met in March, both late 40’s, and slowly began spending more and more time together. We’re together usually 5 days a week now. Every Friday evening through Monday morning and two to three days during the week so we’re doing the practically living together thing.
> 
> We don’t like being apart but at the same time it’s how things have to be. We both agree that serious entanglement is crazy this early on but we just can’t get enough of each other so being apart also drives us nuts. It’s like we’re trying to be smart about this but having a hard time with the being apart non-sense lol!
> 
> I like it like this because the more time spent together the better we get to know each other and at the same time it’s safe. By that I mean if things don’t work out there are no major entanglements and yet we’re still together enough now that we’re getting a really good taste of what living together would look like and so far it’s been more than good.
> 
> We do talk about the future in a general sense, we‘re always making “we” statements when talking about the future. We include each other in everything. No talk of marriage or moving into the same home together though, to soon......for us. If one of us decides to “go there” in conversation then we’ll tackle that together when it happens. It’s how we handle everything. I think we both see this as something that’ll go the distance at this time but caution is still present.
> 
> So I guess we’re doing things our way. Taking it day by day and making adjustments as needed.


Thanks for sharing, Not. It's good to have a benchmark, I'm trying to gauge our pace/progression. I really like him as a person, and I don't want to spoil things between us. We have so much in common; similar principles of living, values, the kinds of choices we make, commitment to family, sense of humor, education, intellect and affection needs. 

You two spend way more time together than we do! We spend every other weekend together. For a while, it was 2 nights a week, but he's working fulltime again. We've been talking much more since we got closer, and I think we're now getting to know each other on a deeper level. 

I didn't want to look forward until we got a pretty good idea of who we were and what we were to each other, you know? So I was curious about how other people go about that. I'm glad things are going well with you and Tank. I still haven't thought of a PG nickname for my dude


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## TXTrini

SpinyNorman said:


> It might be nice if the formula worked, but a friend recently divorced after 23 years and it seems like she spent the last few realizing what a disaster it was, so when she bailed she was good and ready to move on.
> 
> It might be nice if we knew, but unless it's really obvious we are guessing.
> 
> So the terrifying news is, you have to decide when you're ready, but people no smarter than you do that every day. It sounds like he is more ready to advance than you are, but usually one person is for a while. It also sounds like he understands your reluctance, that makes it easier and also speaks well of him.
> 
> I wouldn't worry how other people do this. You both sound like you've made decisions that don't jibe w/ society's expectations, so why should this be different. Think about what kind of life would make you happy. Could you be happy married? If you're not sure, let him know you're not sure. If you could, what would your marriage be like? That's really as important as the first one, talk it out w/ him.


Thanks, SpinyNorman. I'm a weird mix of cynical and hopeful at the moment and trying very hard to stay realistic. I was with my ex for just under 20yrs, married just shy of 13. I know most decent men my age are married and (mostly) happy, and of the available men, quite a lot of divorced men are understandably jaded and not looking for anything serious again. Honestly, I completely discounted men who never married, the LAST thing I want is another Peter Pan.

I've been reading other people's stories to see how they went about relationships after divorce. I suppose it's a matter of trusting yourself not to repeat mistakes, but how do you do that if everyone has different levels of transparency? What's your friend doing? Is she interested in another relationship, or does she prefer to be single? 

Looking back, my marriage was a dumpster fire long before my ex cheated lol, so I suppose that's what has me kind of antsy to revisit. Maybe that will change in time, I don't know. I'm not as young and idealistic as I was when I first got married, but at the same time, I feel happiest and more secure married, so who knows?


----------



## Lance Mannion

TXTrini said:


> Looking back, my marriage was a dumpster fire long before my ex cheated lol, so I suppose that's what has me kind of antsy to revisit. Maybe that will change in time, I don't know. I'm not as young and idealistic as I was when I first got married, but at the same time, *I feel happiest and more secure married*, so who knows?


The common denominator in all of your relationships is you. Know thyself. It's your picker which starts the ballgame. It's your operator which controls your conduct and expectations. It's your judger which decides how happy you are with life within your relationship.

You have the unique benefit of running this experiment a few times. From the time we are kids we learn how to be different people to different people. You were a different person with your school friends than you were with your teachers than you were with your parents. Well, you had different guys you were in love with, you invested in those relationships. How were you in those relationships compared to how are you in THIS relationship?

You feeling happy and secure when married? Is that because of the guy or because of the relationship, fear of being alone? Everything you've written about this new man sounds terrific, but what would you have written about your ex's at this same stage of the relationship?


----------



## TXTrini

[


Lance Mannion said:


> The common denominator in all of your relationships is you. Know thyself. It's your picker which starts the ballgame. It's your operator which controls your conduct and expectations. It's your judger which decides how happy you are with life within your relationship.
> 
> You have the unique benefit of running this experiment a few times. From the time we are kids we learn how to be different people to different people. You were a different person with your school friends than you were with your teachers than you were with your parents. Well, you had different guys you were in love with, you invested in those relationships. How were you in those relationships compared to how are you in THIS relationship?
> 
> You feeling happy and secure when married? Is that because of the guy or because of the relationship, fear of being alone? Everything you've written about this new man sounds terrific, but what would you have written about your ex's at this same stage of the relationship?


Hi Lance, I'm quite aware that I'm the common denominator in my marriages. My first marriage was 2 dumb young people (barely 20) getting married and divorced in under a year. My recent ex pursued me, we were friends after my first divorce and he didn't let oceans stop pursuing me after I was free. I suppose I let the romance of it all get to my head, which man waits 5 yrs for a woman? We were very happy until I found out about his first EA, 4yrs after we married. Everyone who knew us thought we were the perfect couple that he was the perfect son, husband, etc. They were so shocked when I divorced him. I don't broadcast my business, some of our issues were deeply personal.

I might make my new man sound terrific, but he has his flaws as am I. I try to be upfront about them, so he knows what he's in for. We've called each other out on things we've both done the other didn't like and compromised or adjusted our behavior. I'm still working on my tendency to withdraw when I percieve something I don't like and comunicate my concerns. Both my ex and my bf mentioned I am hard to read and anticipate, I don't exactly broadcast my feelings unless it's affection. I have always been self-contained, even as a child, and while I am close to my mother, I go my own way.

I felt secure married to my recent ex, even after his EA b/c he seemed remorseful and begged me not to leave him. Of course, I'm afraid of being alone, isn't everyone? I'm not ruled by that, or I would not have chosen to be childless (boy did I face a ton of opposition for that!) or walked away from a man who claimed he still loved me, without a backward glance. I'm not sure which one of those three things that's defective; picker, operator, judger, maybe it's all 3 at different times. I tend to take people at their word, bc when I give mine, I mean it. My word tempers my actions, but not everyone lives by those standards. People lie, and I have a hard time telling truth/fiction until it's undeniable. I'm dumb enough to be one of those people who loves unconditionally, but I'm trying to love myself enough to learn and enforce boundaries.


----------



## Lance Mannion

TXTrini said:


> We've called each other out on things we've both done the other didn't like and compromised or adjusted our behavior. I'm still working on my tendency to withdraw when I percieve something I don't like and comunicate my concerns. Both my ex and my bf mentioned I am hard to read and anticipate, I don't exactly broadcast my feelings unless it's affection. I have always been self-contained, even as a child, and while I am close to my mother, I go my own way.
> 
> I felt secure married to my recent ex, even after his EA b/c he seemed remorseful and begged me not to leave him. Of course, I'm afraid of being alone, isn't everyone? I'm not ruled by that, or I would not have chosen to be childless (boy did I face a ton of opposition for that!) or walked away from a man who claimed he still loved me, without a backward glance. I'm not sure which one of those three things that's defective; picker, operator, judger, maybe it's all 3 at different times. I tend to take people at their word, bc when I give mine, I mean it. My word tempers my actions, but not everyone lives by those standards. People lie, and I have a hard time telling truth/fiction until it's undeniable. I'm dumb enough to be one of those people who loves unconditionally, but I'm trying to love myself enough to learn and enforce boundaries.


1.) Self-Awareness = check.
2.) Communication = check

It's hard to talk about difficult things, especially friction between two people, personality issues, and yet you're talking these things through. As NASA flight controllers would say, "all systems check, we have a go for launch."

I think you have the tools and are using them correctly. IIRC you've gotten positive commentary from people here. No one is seeing red flags.

As for the ex with the EA, was that a first infidelity for him? If you did identify why he opened that door, do you see something similar in your new man?

Taking people at their word. Well, everyone is not like you. You took your ex at his word and he betrayed you. You've been burned. This doesn't mean you have to be jaded, but keep your eyes open. It's reassuring that you can still love unconditionally after being burned. It's a nice state of mood to be in, but it makes you vulnerable, and that's the thing with love, isn't it, you give your exposed heart to your lover and say "protect this precious gift I entrust to you."


----------



## attheend02

TXTrini said:


> That's about the same timeline for us, except we didn't start seeing each other more until late July. I was ill right after my divorce in March. We see each other every other weekend but we spend whole weekends together and are constantly in touch otherwise. How often do you guys see each other?


We live quite close - 10 minutes apart. 

We spent the first pandemic lockdown together in march - 74 days, not long after we met.

We also quarantined together for two weeks prior to a thanksgiving trip, but that didn't happen.

We now walk together daily and usually spend the weekends together and at least one night a week.


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## RandomDude

Congrats @TXTrini !!

You'll be fine, just relax and let things happen naturally! It's been three years since I met my partner so I've really been dragging my feet too when it comes to putting a ring on it!


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## bkyln309

I met my bf three months after my divorce was finalized. Almost 6 years later, we are happier than ever. Enjoy the ride.


----------



## Not

TXTrini said:


> Thanks for sharing, Not. It's good to have a benchmark, I'm trying to gauge our pace/progression. I really like him as a person, and I don't want to spoil things between us. We have so much in common; similar principles of living, values, the kinds of choices we make, commitment to family, sense of humor, education, intellect and affection needs.
> 
> You two spend way more time together than we do! We spend every other weekend together. For a while, it was 2 nights a week, but he's working fulltime again. We've been talking much more since we got closer, and I think we're now getting to know each other on a deeper level.
> 
> I didn't want to look forward until we got a pretty good idea of who we were and what we were to each other, you know? So I was curious about how other people go about that. I'm glad things are going well with you and Tank. I still haven't thought of a PG nickname for my dude


You're welcome TX. I'll share what I do in my own life but I don't like to give advice, I don't feel qualified!


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## ConanHub

Well I don't have great advice on this topic because I'm just not sophisticated enough.

I'm a slightly tamed barbarian that took the woman he had to have and we are still going strong nearly three decades later.

I had a close friend talk to me when he was in a similar position that you find yourself in, many years ago.

I told him "God! Don't ask me! I'm terrible about this stuff!" Then I told him to go for it and they are still going strong themselves. LoL!

I guess I only worry about deal breakers and as long as you are both committed to working with each other and you are obviously enjoying the rest, stay the course.😉


----------



## SpinyNorman

TXTrini said:


> Thanks, SpinyNorman. I'm a weird mix of cynical and hopeful at the moment and trying very hard to stay realistic. I was with my ex for just under 20yrs, married just shy of 13. I know most decent men my age are married and (mostly) happy, and of the available men, quite a lot of divorced men are understandably jaded and not looking for anything serious again. Honestly, I completely discounted men who never married, the LAST thing I want is another Peter Pan.
> 
> I've been reading other people's stories to see how they went about relationships after divorce. I suppose it's a matter of trusting yourself not to repeat mistakes, but how do you do that if everyone has different levels of transparency? What's your friend doing? Is she interested in another relationship, or does she prefer to be single?
> 
> Looking back, my marriage was a dumpster fire long before my ex cheated lol, so I suppose that's what has me kind of antsy to revisit. Maybe that will change in time, I don't know. I'm not as young and idealistic as I was when I first got married, but at the same time, I feel happiest and more secure married, so who knows?


There are lots of men you don't want to marry, but if there's one that you do it doesn't matter. You're not an average of people in your demographic, neither is some guy you're thinking of marrying. You're not jaded or oblivious to what went wrong in your marriage, don't assume your male peers are either. Know you and know him, decide if you can be happy together. There are specific situations that can be red flags or "need to be dealt with" like addiction or family issues, but things like never married, divorced or a certain age don't tell you much about the individual. How accurate of a picture of you would I get by looking at stuff like that? I think not very good, so why would you expect to know him by stuff like that?

My friend had a BF last I heard.


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## 2&out

Just a comment on something you wrote. No - not everyone is "afraid of being alone".


----------



## TXTrini

Lance Mannion said:


> 1.) Self-Awareness = check.
> 2.) Communication = check
> 
> It's hard to talk about difficult things, especially friction between two people, personality issues, and yet you're talking these things through. As NASA flight controllers would say, "all systems check, we have a go for launch."
> 
> I think you have the tools and are using them correctly. IIRC you've gotten positive commentary from people here. No one is seeing red flags.
> 
> As for the ex with the EA, was that a first infidelity for him? If you did identify why he opened that door, do you see something similar in your new man?
> 
> Taking people at their word. Well, everyone is not like you. You took your ex at his word and he betrayed you. You've been burned. This doesn't mean you have to be jaded, but keep your eyes open. It's reassuring that you can still love unconditionally after being burned. It's a nice state of mood to be in, but it makes you vulnerable, and that's the thing with love, isn't it, you give your exposed heart to your lover and say "protect this precious gift I entrust to you."


I think the first EA the ex had was in 2011, but after a few other "coincidences", who knows?. His deception made me question EVERYTHING about our entire relationship. Before I found out about his affair, he told me things his boss was supposedly doing (I think he did those things) and looked at me strangely, almost as if he was enjoying duping me. He always compared himself to his siblings and felt inferior (they had degrees, he never finished), described himself as a loser and I suppose I missed the cue to kiss his ass like his mother did. He's good looking, reasonably intelligent , but needs constant reassurance from othere people, mine was never good enough. He withheld sex and affection, but got it up for his AP.

My bf is self confident, educated, intelligent and curious. I find him very attractive, though he considers himself average. We have great conversations and fun banter. He's affectionate, sensitive and passionate. I hope that continues, there's no way I will tolerate a dead bedroom again. His ex wife (highschool sweetheart) cheated and married her AP, but he doesn't blast her to his kids, although he despises her. I admire his self control and consideration for other people (his kids) and his willingness to live his convictions. He wanted his children to have as much as a childhood as possible and waited for them to grow up enough to ask why their parents weren't together. I like that he's not overly concerned about what other people think and doesn't need constant external validation. 

I don't know that I'm not somewhat jaded. I'm rather fatalistic. It's been my experience that life is pain, **** happens, so I try to enjoy the bright moments. I'd still like to have long-term love, but who can ever know how long anything will endure?


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## TXTrini

RandomDude said:


> Congrats @TXTrini !!
> 
> You'll be fine, just relax and let things happen naturally! It's been three years since I met my partner so I've really been dragging my feet too when it comes to putting a ring on it!


Thanks! I'm trying, but I just feel like a total noob lol. It's a different feeling altogether having a relationship with a man, not a boy. I understandyour hesitance, but you do have to consider her life experience didn't include marriage, oils and divorce, so her hopes and dreams are "purer" for her life.


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## TXTrini

bkyln309 said:


> I met my bf three months after my divorce was finalized. Almost 6 years later, we are happier than ever. Enjoy the ride.


That's encouraging to hear. I met mine before my divorce, I guess that's why I'm content taking things slow. Do you want to remarry, or are you content the way things are? Also, do you two live together? If so, I have some questions!


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## TXTrini

Not said:


> You're welcome TX. I'll share what I do in my own life but I don't like to give advice, I don't feel qualified!


Ha! I don't feel qualified to give myself advice, that's why I'm asking about everyone's experiences. In the end, we all choose our path, right? I'm thrilled things are going so well for you two.


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## TXTrini

ConanHub said:


> Well I don't have great advice on this topic because I'm just not sophisticated enough.
> 
> I'm a slightly tamed barbarian that took the woman he had to have and we are still going strong nearly three decades later.
> 
> I had a close friend talk to me when he was in a similar position that you find yourself in, many years ago.
> 
> I told him "God! Don't ask me! I'm terrible about this stuff!" Then I told him to go for it and they are still going strong themselves. LoL!
> 
> I guess I only worry about deal breakers and as long as you are both committed to working with each other and you are obviously enjoying the rest, stay the course.😉


How long have they been together? Are they a good match? I'm encouraged hearing about other people's sucesses. Some of the divorced people I know never remarried or wanted to couple up, so they're not exactly a font of information.

I've definitely been eyeballing the dude for deal breakers, but so far nothing insurmountable. At one time I was displeased with the frequency of communication, but we adjusted. He's not particularly pleased that I'm willing to go dark if he's not up to scratch, but I was trying not to get overly invested. 

So far, we're having the hard talks to sort things out as they come up. It's difficult for me, bc I'm not used to that and I feel vulnerable, but he's been very patient and reassuring too woo me out of my shell. I don't want to repeat the same mistakes, but I'm still holding on to my dream of finding a loving life partner, the way my grandparents were.


----------



## TXTrini

SpinyNorman said:


> There are lots of men you don't want to marry, but if there's one that you do it doesn't matter. You're not an average of people in your demographic, neither is some guy you're thinking of marrying. You're not jaded or oblivious to what went wrong in your marriage, don't assume your male peers are either. Know you and know him, decide if you can be happy together. There are specific situations that can be red flags or "need to be dealt with" like addiction or family issues, but things like never married, divorced or a certain age don't tell you much about the individual. How accurate of a picture of you would I get by looking at stuff like that? I think not very good, so why would you expect to know him by stuff like that?
> 
> My friend had a BF last I heard.
> 
> 
> 
> I'm not sure if I want to or should remarry after 2 divorces, in any case I think its way too soon to consider. We're still getting to know each other, there's a lot we don't know about each other, especially since we're both introverts and private. I'm not particularly secretive, but too much too soon is jarring and overwhelming for me.
> 
> I talked to many men (several dozen out of almost a thousand potential matches) on paid apps, not shady ones like tinder of PoF. Some were downright disgusting, mostly the never married ones who tended to also be childless, so I wrote them off completely.
> 
> Like many women, I don't chase men, so if you mean the nice unassuming ones who never married bc they are too passive to pursue women they liked, I have no experience with them. I lived with a passive man, and had to make all the freaking decisions, that's not for me. I don't mind shy, heck, I asked my bf out first (he was clearly interested but was taking his good old time), but he's definitely not passive.
Click to expand...


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## TXTrini

2&out said:


> Just a comment on something you wrote. No - not everyone is "afraid of being alone".


Good for them. I like good companionship and loving sex.


----------



## Affaircare

Hey @TXTrini ,

I wanted to jump in and give you my two cents, if you don't mind. So for context, @Emerging Buddhist and I are both 58yo (although I'm 5 months older, so I got me a younger man-LOL). In 2017 my Dear Hubby, DD, passed away and the next month, EB's wife of 28+ years asked for a divorce. Now, I'm not comparing my situation to yours--in fact, in my instance I did lose a spouse but he loved me to the end, and there is a lot of comfort in that. But EB's situation is closer: a long-term, very committed marriage that became toxic and could not survive, so it died. Being our age, we both figured we'd be great singles and had no desire to date or have a relationship. BTDT. We had both been single before; we both enjoyed being single; and we both honestly didn't want the hassle of trying to meet someone and hope for a "love connection." After my hubby's passing and his divorce, I think both of us just accepted we'd be alone and we were okay with that idea. 

Of course, I knew him from TAM here, and shoot you've read his stuff. He is a very decent person and one of the few good guys. I suspect both of us thought the other was "a nice person" and had some regard for each other, but other than posting in front of everyone we didn't talk. But one day he wrote something that touched me and made me cry (not hard--I was crying a lot at that point), and I thought I'd let him know that his posts meant something. So I told him, "I don't do this lightly..." and the rest is history. First we just wrote. Then we got to be friends, and I mean that sincerely--we have very similar senses of humor and like to do adventures, etc. See how this is kind of like you? It wasn't like we ran head long into "Hey, let's get married quick!" or "Gotta find a spouse, ASAP!!" 

When we were dating, it took us a little while to iron out some things--I call them landmines. You know--those things that sort of set you off that you don't even know are there until the poor other guy trips on them and there's an explosion (emotionally). Yeah, we took time to identify 'em and talk about 'em to straighten things out. And what we did is just keep taking one step. It didn't have to be BIG steps...just take a step...okay this went alright so another step...that went okay too, so another step, and so on. At times it was scary to move at all. Other times we just naturally sailed on through and were like "Oh yeah, of course. Next step!" 

As we got more and more serious, we discussed commitment and marriage and what all that means to each of us. I think I'm more forebearing than EB, in that to me, commitment is between the couple and is sacred, but it doesn't necessarily require "the piece of paper." Look as a female in my 50's I do know myself enough to know the type of person who fits with me or doesn't. I also know whether I commit myself fully to them or not. I don't need a legal document to know that in my core. At the same time, I thought EB made some convincing statements--a) it was important TO HIM!, and b) it was a declaration "in public" (so to speak) and on all levels: moral, emotional, mental, spiritual...and legal. That makes some sense to me. 

So we moved one step--from writing, to talking on the phone...from friendship to dating...from exclusive to living together..from engaged to married. Of course, we didn't ever do "online dating" or dating a bunch of other folks (cuz OH MY GOD we weren't into that); plus, we were always exclusive only because we both like to date one person at a time. It's how we're wired. BUT that also kind of demonstrated how we were made similarly, so that was good!

All along the way, there were times I felt scared--not of "him" because he's awesome and y'all know that!--but scared of trying again, of trusting, of being vulnerable...all of that. Shoot, he'll tell ya it's not been that long that I finally began to really believe with all my heart that he loves me. None of that is because of him--it's me and my own thoughts and struggles (he says I'm hard on myself). But what I did decide to do is to be brave. If a step worked out, I believed in that step and gathered courage to stick my neck out yet again and go another step...and another...and another. 

That's my two cents.


----------



## ConanHub

TXTrini said:


> How long have they been together? Are they a good match? I'm encouraged hearing about other people's sucesses. Some of the divorced people I know never remarried or wanted to couple up, so they're not exactly a font of information.
> 
> I've definitely been eyeballing the dude for deal breakers, but so far nothing insurmountable. At one time I was displeased with the frequency of communication, but we adjusted. He's not particularly pleased that I'm willing to go dark if he's not up to scratch, but I was trying not to get overly invested.
> 
> So far, we're having the hard talks to sort things out as they come up. It's difficult for me, bc I'm not used to that and I feel vulnerable, but he's been very patient and reassuring too woo me out of my shell. I don't want to repeat the same mistakes, but I'm still holding on to my dream of finding a loving life partner, the way my grandparents were.


I think it's going on 22 years for them.

They are a great match. She is of almost pure german descent and he is native American though I can't recall his tribe. He doesn't take advantage of any benefits except getting to hunt Buffalo every year.


----------



## TXTrini

Affaircare said:


> Hey @TXTrini ,
> 
> I wanted to jump in and give you my two cents, if you don't mind. So for context, @Emerging Buddhist and I are both 58yo (although I'm 5 months older, so I got me a younger man-LOL). In 2017 my Dear Hubby, DD, passed away and the next month, EB's wife of 28+ years asked for a divorce. Now, I'm not comparing my situation to yours--in fact, in my instance I did lose a spouse but he loved me to the end, and there is a lot of comfort in that. But EB's situation is closer: a long-term, very committed marriage that became toxic and could not survive, so it died. Being our age, we both figured we'd be great singles and had no desire to date or have a relationship. BTDT. We had both been single before; we both enjoyed being single; and we both honestly didn't want the hassle of trying to meet someone and hope for a "love connection." After my hubby's passing and his divorce, I think both of us just accepted we'd be alone and we were okay with that idea.
> 
> Of course, I knew him from TAM here, and shoot you've read his stuff. He is a very decent person and one of the few good guys. I suspect both of us thought the other was "a nice person" and had some regard for each other, but other than posting in front of everyone we didn't talk. But one day he wrote something that touched me and made me cry (not hard--I was crying a lot at that point), and I thought I'd let him know that his posts meant something. So I told him, "I don't do this lightly..." and the rest is history. First we just wrote. Then we got to be friends, and I mean that sincerely--we have very similar senses of humor and like to do adventures, etc. See how this is kind of like you? It wasn't like we ran head long into "Hey, let's get married quick!" or "Gotta find a spouse, ASAP!!"
> 
> When we were dating, it took us a little while to iron out some things--I call them landmines. You know--those things that sort of set you off that you don't even know are there until the poor other guy trips on them and there's an explosion (emotionally). Yeah, we took time to identify 'em and talk about 'em to straighten things out. And what we did is just keep taking one step. It didn't have to be BIG steps...just take a step...okay this went alright so another step...that went okay too, so another step, and so on. At times it was scary to move at all. Other times we just naturally sailed on through and were like "Oh yeah, of course. Next step!"
> 
> As we got more and more serious, we discussed commitment and marriage and what all that means to each of us. I think I'm more forebearing than EB, in that to me, commitment is between the couple and is sacred, but it doesn't necessarily require "the piece of paper." Look as a female in my 50's I do know myself enough to know the type of person who fits with me or doesn't. I also know whether I commit myself fully to them or not. I don't need a legal document to know that in my core. At the same time, I thought EB made some convincing statements--a) it was important TO HIM!, and b) it was a declaration "in public" (so to speak) and on all levels: moral, emotional, mental, spiritual...and legal. That makes some sense to me.
> 
> So we moved one step--from writing, to talking on the phone...from friendship to dating...from exclusive to living together..from engaged to married. Of course, we didn't ever do "online dating" or dating a bunch of other folks (cuz OH MY GOD we weren't into that); plus, we were always exclusive only because we both like to date one person at a time. It's how we're wired. BUT that also kind of demonstrated how we were made similarly, so that was good!
> 
> All along the way, there were times I felt scared--not of "him" because he's awesome and y'all know that!--but scared of trying again, of trusting, of being vulnerable...all of that. Shoot, he'll tell ya it's not been that long that I finally began to really believe with all my heart that he loves me. None of that is because of him--it's me and my own thoughts and struggles (he says I'm hard on myself). But what I did decide to do is to be brave. If a step worked out, I believed in that step and gathered courage to stick my neck out yet again and go another step...and another...and another.
> 
> That's my two cents.


I was hoping one (or both) or you would chime in, I think of you both as "relationship goals". Thank you for sharing your story. I wasn't looking for a relationship, I decided to put myself back out there and get used to my new lot in life- you know, to close the door to my old life firmly shut. Unfortunately, as soon as I committed to moving forward, my drive popped up after years of being suppressed due to neglect. I tried to do what other singles mentioned, find some sort of arrangement. I'm not satisfied with casual, so that was a bad idea.

Anyhoo, I came across my bf's profile a few months later, something about the way he wrote his profile called to me, so I clicked match. He messaged me first, it was clear he read my profile. Like you, neither of us cared to juggle multiple people, and we liked what was in front of us. I think we're in the fielding landmine stage you mentioned. There are things I didn't realize trigger me, but he's been sensitive and understanding. My heart melts all over again every time he's patient and kind, I'm not used to receiving that from a man. I was used to being pushed away and given the silent treatment. 

I feel exactly how you describe "scared but not of him". He's mentioned I was a really hard person to fall in love with, he can never read/anticipate me, and sometimes I withdraw, but he loves who I am, the way I think and how we are together. I feel it when he reaches for me when he's sound asleep and see it in his eyes when he looks at me. We ended up in tears when he told me and I feel a bit safer to allow myself to be more vulnerable. I know he's the kind of man I can really love, but I am so scared of it, I'm afraid to lose control of myself to another. 

I wanted that kind of fierce love with my ex, but it never happened, although we cared about each other. The lack of physical affection was always the elephant in the room. I have a hard time with change, yet when I decide to do something it's always sudden, to prevent overthinking. You said you decided to be brave, what did that mean for you? I remember asking the same thing on the singles thread, but it's still a struggle.


----------



## Emerging Buddhist

@TXTrini, in the end it is what your heart and mind are ready for.

I can understand some of the "stuff got real"... the perception that people fall in love at the same time at the same speed in the same way is an expectation set-up in disappointment no matter how in tune you both may be.

I am a slow-burner when it comes to ramping up love. I have had the expectations of what I thought it was and the realities of divorce that has shown me it has to overcome the perceived judgements of the little things we place in the way of relationships. 

One thing about me is I do not do casual well either... I just cannot be physically intimate without a lot of "no walls" trusting commitment and you cannot get that on superficial passes, it may take time and a lot of that depends on a willing for openness right out the gate.

"No walls" is tough to attain as it is the utmost vulnerability and critical when encountering "land mines". It is truly a "love yourself more" moment and has to be a true leap of faith that it is not the hurt that comes/is felt but how you react to it because the potential for disappointment surrounds us in every aspect of our life. 

You will misunderstand something, react poorly, feel the temptation to protect yourself with unhealthy measures that enhance frustrations and cause miscommunications in your relationship... it is then that we need the walls down more than ever or we can not truly see the things around us we need to. One of my landmines surrounded the concept of disappointment, I saw the possibility to really be loved for who I was, yet worried about the reactions from when I would once again disappoint someone in marriage I was committed to. As I approached that in my relationship with Cindy, I never felt "I should never be here", it was more recognizing a ripple of the past from a toxic marriage I left and I had to take the time to understand that so the ripple mostly dissipated at me and I could openly share with Cindy without fear and that is learned trust that so I can share without being put down for it and vice-versa. It took a little time and patience (in me, for me) to understand it was an insecurity that was both past and future based, not present, and it's the present that tells us how to be healthy.

What does losing control mean to you? Have you thought about taking control of losing control? it's a funny fear, isn't it! Control implies static and nothing is static or fixed and everything is in motion in our lives, true impermanence. You aren't losing control, you are choosing to share... this is very much a "taking control of losing control" moment, and in itself an act of bravery as it is hard to let go of resistance and trust the process, and the process is necessary for growth. Cindy once told me that because my actions match my words, she had the confidence to take steps into the relationship unknown... I think that is the bravery she mentioned but am hoping she will tell you how she meant that herself. 

I think the best step that began to define us as a committed couple was we believed in another. In the beginning I think we had more "no kidding, you too?" moments between us than would be believed. Cindy can tell you that "trust the process" is my mantra and that the more one fights it (the process) the more resistance comes and then that makes letting go of the frustrations (walls) that get in the way of fighting it harder.

Change is not a risk, change is a reality. Love yourself, share that love with your beau, think of how the present joy better serves you than the past hurt, and trust the process eyes wide open in honesty that to have growth in love, you have to believe in the process.

Peace be with you my friend...


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## TXTrini

Emerging Buddhist said:


> @TXTrini, in the end it is what your heart and mind are ready for.
> 
> I can understand some of the "stuff got real"... the perception that people fall in love at the same time at the same speed in the same way is an expectation set-up in disappointment no matter how in tune you both may be.
> 
> I am a slow-burner when it comes to ramping up love. I have had the expectations of what I thought it was and the realities of divorce that has shown me it has to overcome the perceived judgements of the little things we place in the way of relationships.
> 
> One thing about me is I do not do casual well either... I just cannot be physically intimate without a lot of "no walls" trusting commitment and you cannot get that on superficial passes, it may take time and a lot of that depends on a willing for openness right out the gate.
> 
> "No walls" is tough to attain as it is the utmost vulnerability and critical when encountering "land mines". It is truly a "love yourself more" moment and has to be a true leap of faith that it is not the hurt that comes/is felt but how you react to it because the potential for disappointment surrounds us in every aspect of our life.
> 
> You will misunderstand something, react poorly, feel the temptation to protect yourself with unhealthy measures that enhance frustrations and cause miscommunications in your relationship... it is then that we need the walls down more than ever or we can not truly see the things around us we need to. One of my landmines surrounded the concept of disappointment, I saw the possibility to really be loved for who I was, yet worried about the reactions from when I would once again disappoint someone in marriage I was committed to. As I approached that in my relationship with Cindy, I never felt "I should never be here", it was more recognizing a ripple of the past from a toxic marriage I left and I had to take the time to understand that so the ripple mostly dissipated at me and I could openly share with Cindy without fear and that is learned trust that so I can share without being put down for it and vice-versa. It took a little time and patience (in me, for me) to understand it was an insecurity that was both past and future based, not present, and it's the present that tells us how to be healthy.
> 
> What does losing control mean to you? Have you thought about taking control of losing control? it's a funny fear, isn't it! Control implies static and nothing is static or fixed and everything is in motion in our lives, true impermanence. You aren't losing control, you are choosing to share... this is very much a "taking control of losing control" moment, and in itself an act of bravery as it is hard to let go of resistance and trust the process, and the process is necessary for growth. Cindy once told me that because my actions match my words, she had the confidence to take steps into the relationship unknown... I think that is the bravery she mentioned but am hoping she will tell you how she meant that herself.
> 
> I think the best step that began to define us as a committed couple was we believed in another. In the beginning I think we had more "no kidding, you too?" moments between us than would be believed. Cindy can tell you that "trust the process" is my mantra and that the more one fights it (the process) the more resistance comes and then that makes letting go of the frustrations (walls) that get in the way of fighting it harder.
> 
> Change is not a risk, change is a reality. Love yourself, share that love with your beau, think of how the present joy better serves you than the past hurt, and trust the process eyes wide open in honesty that to have growth in love, you have to believe in the process.
> 
> Peace be with you my friend...


EB to the rescue! I am thrilled to have input from both you and AC, as I mentioned to AC, you two are an inspiration of the kind of relationship I want. I love reading your posts, they're so well written and communicates things I'm not sure HOW to ask.

We spent the weekend together and talked about where we're at to try to be on the same page going forward. As I mentioned to AC, I think we're in the landmine stage, so while we're in love, we're trying to establish common ground before progressing. I had some serious foot in mouth disease the last few days OMG  - misunderstandings, poor reactions, - CHECK! I usually can see possibilities before I say/do something, but man, I wasn't expecting things to be misunderstood. I really liked how we were able to discuss everything, speak our pieces without minimizing the other's feelings, and agree going forward not to assume intent, ask for clarity. 

I like your perspective on taking control, instead of losing control. I know I am my harshest critic, my therapist tried to impress on me the importance of being a better friend to myself. It's easy to say, but so hard to put into practice. I think it's partially responsible for my difficulty in dealing so badly with loss of control of myself and change in general. I definitely stress out over being out of my comfort zone, even though my rational mind echoes your sentiments about change being a reality. 

Our frank talks helped me to see I'm not the only one struggling here, he's also struggling with a few things too. Somehow seeing him in a more vulnerable state helped me feel more comfortable with my unease, is that what you meant "No kidding, you too" moments? His actions have matched his words, and I trust him, so I realized my unease is less about him, and more about me. I suppose here is where I need to be a better friend to myself. 

Years of neglect eroded my self-confidence in what I have to offer and I only realized how far I still need to go rebuilding that (I tend to deflect compliments and the reasons he said he loves me). The funny thing is, I'm quite comfortable with who I am, so I don't understand how I can still feel inadequate. Maybe it's the past/future insecurity thing you mentioned. I read up on attachment styles and matched fearful-avoidant. 

The funny thing (maybe not) through all of my mental gymnastics, it seems I come across as a cool cat, and am hard to read, and tend to withdraw when I perceive coolness. Naturally, that made him hesitant, talk about self-defeating 🤦‍♀️. It seems we're both somewhat timid and slow, compared to how other folks here mentioned their pace and the percentage of time they spend together. 

I don't want to repeat old mistakes, old patterns. I'm still hoping to find the no walls kind of love and companionship I've wanted for myself, I really think we have a good shot at that.


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## Emerging Buddhist

The "No kidding, you too" moments are recognition that life is more shared than we think... familiarity can introduce bonds but new experiences together will also be rewarding as they form new bonds... trust in love is something that Cindy and I knew was out there, she had experienced it and while I learned an understanding of some of the many pieces and measures of unconditional, I hadn't experienced anything like I hold now.

We also had many frames of reference to fall back on that were surprising... even thought from completely different regions (Eastern WA .vs mid-Wisconsin), both growing up in a small rural farm town under 15,000, same HS grad year class, music and cultures, same search for spirituality (different tracks but the way we searched was similar), mostly same political values (compassionate conservative) with strong belief in accountability and strong/patriotic belief in nation. Families come from the same historical regions in the US (Arkansas) although mine holds a much longer lineage from the South (Alabama/Georgia/Carolinas) and she actually lived where my father grew up.

More about us than you probably cared to know... 

I think my point in all my sharing is, connections as a couple are critical... I know that you being open is scary at first and as you dismantle the walls brick by brick get used to the new views and don't rush, but be aware enough to recognize the process so you don't stall either. If you find yourself feeling fearful and tempted to replace the brick in the wall use that moment to take a breath, close your eyes and picture the calm that you want... you know it is there, your heart knows it is there, your mind knows that too... all you have to do it choose the moment to align it and in that clarity you can.

I know there are many ways to remove walls from calm and methodical all the way to taking them all down at once... one is much more mindful. I chose the latter and it was frightening and hard, I do not advise it. When I went scorched earth on all my walls and decided I could not live my last marriage fearful and defensive of criticisms it opened up a perception of weakness. While a mistake on her part to underestimate me as such, I began to see the world around me with much more compassion and empathy. It is easy to bunker and feel isolated within walls, without them you see the suffering of others and begin to understand that you are far from alone in it, it is how you respond/react to it that makes the difference, and how to do your best to not bring it harmfully into your life but to show others with actions there are better ways to live and love.

I had an ex who liked to try to take me out at the knees when she could. The stories are no longer important but the lessons are she tried to knock down my self-confidence with a vengeance at times through ridicule and it was easy to fall into insecurity if allowed. You can hear it in my "ILYBINILWY" and "Is that so" thread, but what she never calculated on was that calm is a superpower and my practice of kindness toward adversity always puzzled her, she never accepted I could find peace from the world she wanted to keep me in. Ultimately she played brinkmanship and in many ways unprepared to go to the brink and working on that catalyst we freed another to find another life... a gift I thank her for to this day.

Next time you begin to feel cool, you need to talk out loud to your best friend or write them a letter... you. Practice being the best friend you have, and then share that best friend with your sweetie... write a second letter to them and share that little bit that may have remained hidden from sight.

Before long the whole you will appear from behind those walls... trust me, once your mind is done with them you will never want them in your life again.

Namaste...


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## TXTrini

Emerging Buddhist said:


> The "No kidding, you too" moments are recognition that life is more shared than we think... familiarity can introduce bonds but new experiences together will also be rewarding as they form new bonds... trust in love is something that Cindy and I knew was out there, she had experienced it and while I learned an understanding of some of the many pieces and measures of unconditional, I hadn't experienced anything like I hold now.
> 
> We also had many frames of reference to fall back on that were surprising... even thought from completely different regions (Eastern WA .vs mid-Wisconsin), both growing up in a small rural farm town under 15,000, same HS grad year class, music and cultures, same search for spirituality (different tracks but the way we searched was similar), mostly same political values (compassionate conservative) with strong belief in accountability and strong/patriotic belief in nation. Families come from the same historical regions in the US (Arkansas) although mine holds a much longer lineage from the South (Alabama/Georgia/Carolinas) and she actually lived where my father grew up.
> 
> More about us than you probably cared to know...
> 
> I think my point in all my sharing is, connections as a couple are critical... I know that you being open is scary at first and as you dismantle the walls brick by brick get used to the new views and don't rush, but be aware enough to recognize the process so you don't stall either. If you find yourself feeling fearful and tempted to replace the brick in the wall use that moment to take a breath, close your eyes and picture the calm that you want... you know it is there, your heart knows it is there, your mind knows that too... all you have to do it choose the moment to align it and in that clarity you can.
> 
> I know there are many ways to remove walls from calm and methodical all the way to taking them all down at once... one is much more mindful. I chose the latter and it was frightening and hard, I do not advise it. When I went scorched earth on all my walls and decided I could not live my last marriage fearful and defensive of criticisms it opened up a perception of weakness. While a mistake on her part to underestimate me as such, I began to see the world around me with much more compassion and empathy. It is easy to bunker and feel isolated within walls, without them you see the suffering of others and begin to understand that you are far from alone in it, it is how you respond/react to it that makes the difference, and how to do your best to not bring it harmfully into your life but to show others with actions there are better ways to live and love.
> 
> I had an ex who liked to try to take me out at the knees when she could. The stories are no longer important but the lessons are she tried to knock down my self-confidence with a vengeance at times through ridicule and it was easy to fall into insecurity if allowed. You can hear it in my "ILYBINILWY" and "Is that so" thread, but what she never calculated on was that calm is a superpower and my practice of kindness toward adversity always puzzled her, she never accepted I could find peace from the world she wanted to keep me in. Ultimately she played brinkmanship and in many ways unprepared to go to the brink and working on that catalyst we freed another to find another life... a gift I thank her for to this day.
> 
> Next time you begin to feel cool, you need to talk out loud to your best friend or write them a letter... you. Practice being the best friend you have, and then share that best friend with your sweetie... write a second letter to them and share that little bit that may have remained hidden from sight.
> 
> Before long the whole you will appear from behind those walls... trust me, once your mind is done with them you will never want them in your life again.
> 
> Namaste...


Oh, it definitely was not TMI, nothing that can give anyone insight on building something positive is TMI IMO. While I'm grateful to everyone on here for their support at one of the worst times of my life, I find inspiration in the successes of everyone who's survived something traumatic and built something good afterward. I enjoyed getting to know you and AC a little bit better, as well as benefitting from your example on how to go forward without being self-defeating. It's so hard not to expect the worst out of people when you've lived it.

I've been trying hard not to hold my guy accountable for the cheques my ex wrote, so to speak, but emotions have a life of their own. Our backgrounds aren't as similar (we are of different ethnicities, cultures, he graduated from college a year after I graduated from HS), but we get each other's pop culture references and inside jokes, we commiserate on the difficulty in trying to live up to our own standards and the blowback that ensues, neither of us has to mentally adjust our vocabulary/style to express ourselves, although sometimes there are misunderstandings. It feels so freeing to simply just be, now that our feelings are transparent.

Your previous marriage sounded terrible, it's so wonderful that you didn't allow that experience to spoil you. I can't imagine how you endured that state for 28 yrs! That makes me grateful now that my ex cheated, bc I put up with more than I should have. You seem to be introspective and self-contained, was it your experience that your ex took your complacency for granted and acted out like that to get a reaction? 

Something my ex said to our counselor stuck with me - He was so certain I'd never cheat or leave him. He also said I was a "good person", I'm not sure what that meant, but it left me sensitive that it was easy to take me for granted b/c I have doormat tendencies. I am a people pleaser for people I care about, I have no problems telling others to sod off and am quite opinionated otherwise. I know exactly what you mean about walling yourself off and feeling isolated and being oblivious to other people's personal suffering. 

I know my perceived "coolness" is fear and vulnerability, I feel anything BUT cool. Luckily, my guy spoke up and told me how it made him feel (not good) when I withdraw. I asked him to please tell me when I do it, so I can course-correct. It's instinctive, so nothing I'm aware of at the time, but I know the source. Growing up, perceived weakness left me vulnerable to attack. I learned to give as good as I got to adults who were supposed to protect me. My therapist pointed out how dryly I relayed traumatic events, matter of factly or laughingly, and cautioned that reduced my chances to connect authentically. So I get where you're coming from, and I will heed your advice, thank you.


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