# Should I confront WH when he is with OW?



## Hoping4Best (Dec 5, 2013)

I was hoping to get some advice from everyone. Here is a little bit of the backstory that I have. I knew my WH was having at least an EA and confronted earlier this year. It did not go well and he denied, denied, denied even when I had the proof in front of him. He didnt even look at it but ripped it up and threw it away. One of the things I had was the all the texts between them and he was mad at me for snooping, etc. We never resolved anything. He gets mad if I mention her and still tells me tons of lies. 

Anyway, I have always kept tabs for the past few months and I know it probably has never stopped, but he is not covering his tracks well now. He is using an app called Snap Chat where they can send each other pictures, but you can only see them for so long and it doesnt save a copy of what you sent or what you see unless you do a screen shot. They are now using this also and he is saving these pictures. 

Well, to get to my point I know they are making plans to be togehter in the next few days and I know where. Should I confront them in public when they are together? Or I was thinking about having someone I know see them out together.

Is this a good idea? I just want the denial and lies to stop!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Is she married? What's the backstory on her? 

Where are they meeting up at?

Let's get more info.


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## Hoping4Best (Dec 5, 2013)

Here is some background.

They work together and I know they are planning on going to do some shopping in the next couple of days for an event. He actually told me he is going shopping, but has left out that she is going too. He knows I do not like her and he knows why but does not care. 

OW is not married, but I think has/had a boyfriend. I am not sure if they are still together or not.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

If you want the denials to stop then yes confront him. I would suggest you keep your cool and pride intact. Before you confront them in public make sure you have spoken to an attorney about the legal ranmifications of this encounter. While you are at it find out your legal rights about a pending divorce.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

If you can afford it, hire a PI to tail them.

If you can't afford one, I would send a friend that he doesn't know, to follow them and take pictures/video.

Last choice would be for you to do it yourself in a car he wouldn't recognize and with some type of disguise. This would just be for evidence gathering only. As tempting as it is; don't confront them there.

Based on what you're describing, you already know he's cheating. If getting smoking gun evidence is important to you or would be an advantage in a divorce, then I get it. 

But you should already be working on an exit strategy to dump his cheating @ass. Talk to a lawyer and get the ball rolling.

Sorry you're here.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

The shopping is work-related? If it's for a company function that may not be the best time.

Are you sure it's a bonafide affair?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

badmemory said:


> If you can afford it, hire a PI to tail them.


:iagree: I like this idea


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## Hoping4Best (Dec 5, 2013)

I wish I could hire a PI but money is the issue.

I have someone willing to tail them for me, but should they just watch and take pics? I was thinking about using the guise of someone called me today and said they saw you and her together today and see where that goes.

I just have this feeling that unless I catch him red handed so to speak that it will keep being denied and rug swept. I know for sure there is something going on. I do have pics they have taken together.

It is work related, but she doesnt have to do this shopping with him. He asked her to go.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

You don't need to confront him with anything that he can reasonably excuse. Unless you get pictures of them holding hands or kissing; he'll just say it was work related. Short of that, you could try to catch him in a lie about his whereabouts. 

I hate to tell you this, but you've already confronted him with worse than that and you didn't give him any consequences. Those lack of consequences are the main issue right now.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

He has already denied in all of your attempts at confronts even ripping up evidence. All you have done is make them more careful/driving this underground. Using SnapChat is a bad sign. 

You need to read weightlifters thread. Please it will be worth your time. 

You also need to know your enemy here. Get as much information on the OW as possible. I assume you have checked out Facebook? Did you run other online checks that might give an address (I got one for a few $) it gave me her name and address with a reverse cell lookup.

I then had a friend who has similar interests "friend" her on Facebook and got her fiancés name I sent him a restricted delivery registered letter. Some people are really lax with FB if she is using SnapChat she's likely on private. But might be open to friends of friends. Try them all (under a fake name)

You need to build a case. You aren't ready to confront. I will bet a stranger following them in a mall would get some better clues.


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## calmwinds (Dec 10, 2012)

If you do get pictures, you need to expose them at work to their boss...regardless of his insistance that doing so could put his job in jeopardy. He's doing that all by himself


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## Hoping4Best (Dec 5, 2013)

calmwinds said:


> If you do get pictures, you need to expose them at work to their boss...regardless of his insistance that doing so could put his job in jeopardy. He's doing that all by himself



I know this is wrong but I am afraid to tell his job because I know they would both lose their jobs. It would be very hard for him to find another job in that field and I am so worried about the money.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Hoping,

With the evidence you already have and the ongoing red flags, there's no doubt he's cheating. When he tore up the prior proof you showed him before, started using snap chat, lied to you - please.

I understand wanting to get a smoking gun; but he's already disrespected you and obviously has no fear of losing you. You need to implement the 180 on him to detach, talk to an attorney and separate him from your bedroom. Start the D process. You can postpone it if he turns around.

But I'm telling you, if he doesn't understand the feeling of losing his wife for cheating on her; he won't turn around.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Why do you want to confront him when any evidence he is just going to deny?

What is the point of confronting? Are you going to leave him? Or do you want to R?


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

badmemory said:


> Hoping,
> 
> With the evidence you already have and the ongoing red flags, there's no doubt he's cheating. When he tore up the prior proof you showed him before, started using snap chat, lied to you - please.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

This is what I was getting at, but badmemory really nailed it alot better than I could


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## Hoping4Best (Dec 5, 2013)

I honestly dont know for sure that this has turned into a PA or if it is still an EA. I am fairly sure if its not PA yet it soon will be the way I am seeing things progress. 

I dont know, but I think he has told her that we are seperated and all that, but that is not the case. 

I know quite a bit about her...where she lives and that kind of things. I am just not quite sure if she is still with her boyfriend.


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## Hoping4Best (Dec 5, 2013)

vi_bride04 said:


> Why do you want to confront him when any evidence he is just going to deny?
> 
> What is the point of confronting? Are you going to leave him? Or do you want to R?


At this point I would like to R, but I have no idea if that would really happen. I have started to withdraw a bit and he has noticed. We have been married 14 years with 3 kids. I so badly want this to work. 

I am so much stronger now than I was a few months ago. He is just a very good liar and smooth talker. Thats why I guess I want the smoking gun proof so badly. If I see them holding hands or something he cant deny then that nothing is going on.

I dont think he wants this marriage to end if he really thought about it. I think he would come groveling back.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Until you have evidence to the contrary, you should assume it's a PA.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Ooooh he can still deny and he will, even with the smoking gun. He doesn't respect you enough to be honest even when caught red handed.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

He may very well come groveling back. But not until he receives consequences. 

Go get your smoking gun. That's fine. But in the mean time, be planning your exit strategy.


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## Janky (Nov 26, 2013)

badmemory said:


> Hoping,
> 
> With the evidence you already have and the ongoing red flags, there's no doubt he's cheating. When he tore up the prior proof you showed him before, started using snap chat, lied to you - please.
> 
> ...


Well said,

Your H obviously doesnt care what he is doing to you or that you might know. So far there have been consequences for his actions.

You really need to stand up for yourself, dont let him get away with using denial.


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## Hoping4Best (Dec 5, 2013)

Janky said:


> Well said,
> 
> Your H obviously doesnt care what he is doing to you or that you might know. So far there have been consequences for his actions.
> 
> You really need to stand up for yourself, dont let him get away with using denial.


Janky,

You are right he does not care what he is doing to me. I know that. I see that. He is playing the I am the worst wife in the world card right now. Nothing I do can make him happy. I dont know if he is doing that to make himself feel better or to just destroy me even more than he has. I so wish I was strong enough to just tell him to get out! 


How did others confrontations go and what kind of consequences were given immediatley after? Does it happen all at once or does it take days and weeks?


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## TheFlood117 (Mar 24, 2013)

nah, just file for divorce. Kick him out. And start hittin' up younger hotter dudes. And trust me, if your relatively attractive you'll get plenty. 

Then you can laugh in his face when he comes back begging. 

Read my Update thread and original post. I talk about D-day in depth, if you want to know how a methodical plan of exposure, confrontation and divorce went. 

Best of luck.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

badmemory said:


> You don't need to confront him with anything that he can reasonably excuse. Unless you get pictures of them holding hands or kissing; he'll just say it was work related.


:iagree:


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

He can't deny anything you see with your own two eyes!!

Go to where they are going to be and nail them. 

I wish I had had the opportunity to catch my guy with my own two eyes!


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## Janky (Nov 26, 2013)

Sounds like you want to catch him red handed to erase any doubt in your mind. After going through this a few times myself, the phone records would be enough for me to take immediate action.

Find out where he is shopping and bust him.

This is how my confrontation went and my emotions got the best of me---

I went about it the wrong way about six years ago and ended up starting all over with nothing.

We had a huge phone bill one month and my WW tried blaming it on my 13yo daughter. I logged in and saw that it was the WW phone with hundreds of calls and text to a familiar number.

I looked through my phone to see that it was a friend of mine that I worked with. I immediately knew what was going on and confronted her immediately. She said they were just friends but I knew better by the look on her face. 

I grabbed my car keys and headed up to work to confront the guy but she called him and he took off. I found out his address and went to his house, he wouldnt come out. 

Even though I was embarrassed and ashamed, I exposed at work to everyone.

She is still with him to this day.


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## sedona (Oct 10, 2013)

You seem calm and so am I, but I'm telling you, even us calm ones run the risk of completely becoming incredible hulk enraged if faced with our spouses in the arms of someone else. 

Get what I'm saying? I would not try to catch them myself. Not because they don't deserve it, but because you know in your heart what you are likely to find, you already have quite a bit of evidence. Unlike some people who have a phone call, a "gut feeling" and not much else (like myself) and might have a 50/50 chance of seeing nothing, you, I suspect, have a 95/100 chance of seeing something. 

Are you prepared for the adrenaline rush if you follow them and see them holding hands, kissing? Maybe going to a park or hotel? I'm telling you, it's homicidal. And I'm not exaggerating. I experienced it with my ex, and know to be careful now with my own emotions so I don't end up in prison. I thank god every day the OW I caught my ex talking to was 500 miles away. The crazed animal feeling I got just seeing thousands of phone calls and her being someone I already suspected, was scary. There was a moment at discovery -not even seeing them together, I'm talking seeing a phone bill! - there is no doubt I would have done something crazy to her had she been in front of me. It was only a couple minutes and then I calmed down, but still. It was 2 minutes that had she been in front of my face I may not be a free woman right now. Scary. I'm wiser now, and have had time to analyze that situation and my reactions from years ago so I am confident I'd be okay now if I caught my current H. I mean okay as in not doing something stupid. 

Just keep that in mind. Don't underestimate yourself. Protect yourself at all costs throughout this terrible situation.


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## Hoping4Best (Dec 5, 2013)

[
Get what I'm saying? I would not try to catch them myself. Not because they don't deserve it, but because you know in your heart what you are likely to find, you already have quite a bit of evidence. Unlike some people who have a phone call, a "gut feeling" and not much else (like myself) and might have a 50/50 chance of seeing nothing, you, I suspect, have a 95/100 chance of seeing something. 



I understand what you are saying. I guess I am calm because I have confronted before and him lieing and denying. I have known in the back of my head about this for at least 6 months. I thought it had calmed down, but here in the last few weeks they have really ramped up so to speak. I have been around her twice since and he is very nervous. I dont know if he is worried about me saying something to her or her saying somethign to me? I have proof and good proof at that, but I am so concerned that he will start the denying again unless I see it with my own eyes and he knows it. Does any of that make sense or is my rational so off? If I approach when they are together he cant keep telling me there is nothing going on.

He has has a hard time looking me in they eyes the last few days. The stupid fights are starting again over the smallest things. I dont know if he can handle the guilt. I can tell something is eating him alive inside. We all know what it is, but he is no the kind to blurt it out and confess.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Hoping,

The lying and denying is part of the cheater's script. You shouldn't worry so much about that because it's par for the course.

If your evidence is indisputable that he's cheating, the only thing his disputing it shows, is that he has no remorse. That's the main reason to confront; to judge his remorse and to see if he is willing to admit the truth.

That remorse and his willingness to accept consequences is what you should base your decision to R on.

You asked about the timing of consequences. They should be immediate and non-negotiable. If it's too late for them to be immediate, then give them to him at the next opportunity. You've already been give a laundry list of what they should be.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

*WH was having at least an EA and confronted earlier this year. It did not go well and he denied, denied, denied even when I had the proof in front of him. He didnt even look at it but ripped it up and threw it away. One of the things I had was the all the texts between them and he was mad at me for snooping, etc. We never resolved anything. He gets mad if I mention her and still tells me tons of lies.*

So he can just rip things up, and he gets away with it. Well, let us hear a woman roar. Get a VAR and carry it on you at all times.


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