# Trying to decide...



## Revenwyn (Apr 12, 2012)

My husband has many mental issues and was emotionally abused as a young boy. Unfortunately it has left him a little boy. In bold are some behaviors from this list that I have seen of him:
*
1. Black-white thinking, wherein he categorizes everyone as "all good" or "all bad" and will recategorize someone -- in just a few seconds -- from one polar extreme to the other based on a minor infraction;
2. Frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like "you always" and "you never;"*
3. Irrational jealousy and controlling behavior that tries to isolate you away from close friends or family members;
4. A strong sense of entitlement that prevents him from appreciating your sacrifices, resulting in a "what have you done for me lately?" attitude;
5. Flipping, on a dime, between adoring you and devaluing you,;*
6. Frequently creating drama over issues so minor that neither of you can recall what the fight was about two days later;
7. Low self esteem;
8. Verbal abuse and anger that is easily triggered, in seconds, by a minor thing you say or do (real or imagined), resulting in temper tantrums that typically last several hours;
9. Fear of abandonment or being alone;*
10. Always being "The Victim," a false self image he validates by blaming you for every misfortune;
* 11. Lack of impulse control, wherein he does reckless things without considering the consequences (e.g., binge eating or spending);*
12. Complaining that all his previous GFs were abusive and claiming (during your courtship) that you are the only one who has treated him well; *Not applicable- I was his only relationship. He was 21 when we met. Unless this statement is also a red flag?*
*13. Mirroring your personality and preferences so perfectly during the courtship period (e.g., enjoying everything and everyone you like) that you were convinced you had met your "soul mate;"
14. Relying on you to center and ground him, giving him a sense of direction because his goals otherwise keep changing every few months;
15. Relying on you to sooth him and calm him down, when he is stressed, because he has so little ability to do self soothing;
16. Having many casual friends but not any close long-term friends (unless they live a long distance away);*
17. Taking on the personality of whatever person he is talking to, thereby acting quite differently around different types of people; and
* 18. Always convinced that his intense feelings accurately reflect reality -- to the point that he regards his own feelings as self-evident facts, despite his inability to support them with any hard evidence.
*

He is afraid to make any sort of decision for himself that is more important than what to eat and what to wear. I spend hours a day trying to get him to calm down out of his funks; the littlest thing can make him mad where a normal person could just brush it off. I am afraid to try to go and find a job (he cannot work) because I am afraid of what he might do to himself if I were to be gone and he had one of his funks. We have been together for 8 years and married for 3. I married him because I promised him I would, but this was before he became ill. He became ill about a year and a half into our relationship. 
It should be noted that my family was extremely controlling and were planning on arranging a marriage for me. Eventually they locked me in my bedroom so I could not make my own life. I was already engaged to him at the time (secret engagement) and I saw him as my only means of ever getting out of there. I thought marriage would help us, as all the problems back then seemed to come from the fact that we were unable to get married. 

So on a daily basis I have to attend his pity parties, help him stop thinking about blowing up the world, and occasionally have to stop him from running into the street screaming that he's going to kill himself. He's in therapy but it hasn't helped. 
Even the days he manages not to let me in on his pity parties (which I appreciate) he spends the entire day brooding and not getting anything done. He won't talk to me or anyone those days.
And I feel like my soul is getting sucked away on a daily basis. I have no joy being near him now. I used to. Occasionally he's pushed me and yelled at me to get out of the house. 

Since I've been unable to work since we got married, and I have never had a job (my family did not believe women should work), his SSI check is one thing that is keeping me here. It's very little but it's at least SOME sustenance. I do not drive, we do not have a phone, this is a borrowed laptop on a borrowed network. I don't know how to get out even if I decide I want to. My best friend wants me to get out, even though I would say my husband has never been physically abusive toward me I can't stand being used anymore. Oh, he says he loves me, but it seems to be the kind a little boy has for his mother. I signed up to be a wife, not a mother. Then, if I do leave him, he says he's going to go kill himself. And I don't want to be party to his suicide. 

Then there's the guilt. Guilt for leaving him since he hasn’t cheated on me, which is the only “biblical” reason for divorcing a spouse. And I would want a divorce. I could not live the rest of my life without love, and I know he would just beg for me to come back and then get just as bad or even worse in very short order, if he did not, in fact kill himself. Guilt from my family, saying “We told you this would happen!” Guilt for wanting to remarry because apparently according to scripture a remarried woman is an adulterer, unless remarried to her original spouse. And then, divorce in this state is nearly impossible; they require a separation of 18 months before you can even file. Thank you, Bible-Belt State! It would be faster for me to move to another state and put in the required six months in that state to be eligible to file (I will admit that I have been researching this.) Then there’s the whole self-doubt thing, where I don’t know who would WANT to marry me, or if I could find love again. I know that no “decent, Christian man” would have me. These are all factors in keeping me trapped.



I need help.

Edit: You know, the reason I think I stayed in the relationship to begin with after he got ill was I was afraid of him killing himself over the end of it. For the record, we do not have children.


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## Revenwyn (Apr 12, 2012)

Okay... 158 views, no responses?

I will add that the BPD diagnosis has been considered, and rejected, for him, but his counselors don't get to see what I see. So far, he has been diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome (in 8th grade), Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Major Depression, and Dissociative Identity Disorder. One of his alters, named Paul, is the BPDer. I hate feeling like I'm married to a cast of characters rather than a whole person. I will make it plain that I still love him, but I feel like my mind is breaking. My husband is able to get counseling through his medicaid; unfortunately his SSI check of $700 a month is our only income, we do receive food stamps, but a total of $900 for two people in a single month makes it hard to afford anything for me, especially the counseling I would need to stay in this marriage.


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

Revenwyn said:


> Okay... 158 views, no responses?
> 
> I will add that the BPD diagnosis has been considered, and rejected, for him, but his counselors don't get to see what I see. So far, he has been diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome (in 8th grade), Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Major Depression, and Dissociative Identity Disorder. One of his alters, named Paul, is the BPDer. I hate feeling like I'm married to a cast of characters rather than a whole person. I will make it plain that I still love him, but I feel like my mind is breaking. My husband is able to get counseling through his medicaid; unfortunately his SSI check of $700 a month is our only income, we do receive food stamps, but a total of $900 for two people in a single month makes it hard to afford anything for me, especially the counseling I would need to stay in this marriage.



Wow. I will offer my advice.
I used to work w individuals with aspergers.
If he was diagnosed, contact your social worker. 
Having been in the field, you may jave to drop in as opposed to just phone calls. Also, he needs to be taught the coping mechamism tools to deal w his frustrations. Its a loong process that you will have to tell him and walk thru with him step ny step for a while til he is able to do it on his own. Even then, some days he will need reminders. This could go on for life.
He willife sorry to say. His computer time sounds lime his no.1 reinfoecer so you may have to give him set times he can play on it. Even if that means getting a timer. Cleaning, chores and eberything else will need to be taught in step by step instructions depending on how high functioning he is.
Bottom line, it sounds like you will need to teach and show and enforce everything as if he were a child. Doesn't mean there is no hope, just.means you really have to decide if you want to do it.

Bst of wishes
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

Keepin-my-head-up said:


> Wow. I will offer my advice.
> I used to work w individuals with aspergers.
> If he was diagnosed, contact your social worker.
> Having been in the field, you may jave to drop in as opposed to just phone calls. Also, he needs to be taught the coping mechamism tools to deal w his frustrations. Its a loong process that you will have to tell him and walk thru with him step ny step for a while til he is able to do it on his own. Even then, some days he will need reminders. This could go on for life.
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old are the two of you?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Go to a center for domestic violence and tell them what is going on. They can most likely help you find a place to move to and to get free resources that you need.

They will probably be able to help you get a job as well. Another good place that can help you get a job is GoodWill Industries. They don't just have jobs at their place, they also find people jobs in other companies.


You would be homeless at that point so you would get your own foodstamps.


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## Revenwyn (Apr 12, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> How old are the two of you?


I am 30, he is 29. 

We don't have a Goodwill within 60 miles. We live in a rural area. The local women's shelter is run by a church and they only take women who have actually been PHYSICALLY abused.


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## Revenwyn (Apr 12, 2012)

So do you think it's worth it staying? I love him but he's unable to change (and I have tried everything.) I have nowhere to go either. My family will not take me back or help me in any way. I have no friends and of course the church won't help me leave my husband. Around here a lot of people think that adultery is the ONLY reason to SEPARATE (not divorce, SEPARATE) from a spouse.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

If you're unhappy and unable to fully commit to him, you should divorce him. This frees you both up to find partners who are more suitable. 

He sounds ill. It sounds like you don't want to be a caretaker. You don't have to be. He will have to learn how to fend for himself, which is to be expected.

I suggest that you seek out a women's shelter for more location specific support and guidance. Good counseling there, maybe, too.

What do you mean that "one of his alters, Paul, is a BPDer"?


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## Revenwyn (Apr 12, 2012)

moxy said:


> If you're unhappy and unable to fully commit to him, you should divorce him. This frees you both up to find partners who are more suitable.
> 
> He sounds ill. It sounds like you don't want to be a caretaker. You don't have to be. He will have to learn how to fend for himself, which is to be expected.
> 
> ...


Alter is a term for a separate personality when a person has Dissociative Identity Disorder (formerly Multiple Personality Disorder). Alters often have their own names as well and sometimes even personality disorders of their own. This particular one has borderline personality disorder.

A women's shelter isn't an option here... I've already talked to them, they will not help me unless I can provide photo evidence of physical abuse. He has not hit me, so I cannot do that.

He has told me he will kill himself if I leave him. I don't want my leaving to be the cause of his death.


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## Revenwyn (Apr 12, 2012)

Any more thoughts?


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

Well, at this point you already know it is going to be a long hard road for you if you decide to stay with your husband.

He has issues that are compounded and harder to work on with his disabilities.

You know the guilt trip will be there.
If you want out, get out. Plot your move, save up money contact social services, research what type of assistance you can get to do so.

Maybe call a family member of his to look after him or be with him the day you do leave (if you do).

If you don't want to leave, then you both have some serious work to do. 
As far as surviving if you leave, I don't know about your state but in Hawaii, divorced women are more likely to receive government benefits so you may actually have to divorce him.

He does need help though, so maybe give a heads up to his social worker the day you do leave so she can get him a list of counselors and groups to help him cope.

Is there a friend who can help you in another city or state? Someone you can stay with til you are in your feet?


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## tpc (Jan 10, 2013)

It sounds like you have exchanged one prison (your family) for another. 
First I will say this. You cannot treat, cure, be a therapist for or otherwise change your husband. From what you say, your husband has a complex array of psychiatric disorders and requires expert treatment by an extremely qualified and experienced psychiatrist if not a multidisciplinary team. While that is almost certainly not available to you, YOU CANNOT BE THAT. You are (I am assuming) not a psychiatrist, psychologist, social worker, therapist or otherwise qualified in a mental health discipline. Therefore you are not qualified to treat someone with such a complex condition. Even if you had those qualifications, your intimate relationship would disqualify you from treating your husband. So, now that we have got that off the table, you also need to understand that if your husband, God forbid, commits suicide, because you are not there, that does not make you responsible. If he has suicidal ideation, that is a result of his disorder (and quite possibly it is only a threat made to manipulate you and control you) and that is neither your fault nor something that is within your control. At some point in your life, if you are going to actually live and not be a prisoner in your home, you will have to leave your husband alone for some period. If he is too fragile to cope with that then he probably needs to be in some kind of residential psychiatric facility. Again that may not be available to you but that doesn't mean that if you leave him alone and he does something foolish it is therefore your fault. 
Things you need to do, in no particular order.
Leave. 
If you can't access services where you are, get a greyhound bus and go somewhere where you can. Look it up on the internet, call services for abused women, as others have suggested, try churches, charities, women's shelters, homeless shelters, friends, distant family, facebook friends, not just where you are, but anywhere you can get to within a day or two. 
By all means call a social worker, friend, family member or someone to keep an eye on your husband in the aftermath of your leaving but remember - if he does something self-destructive, that is because he has a disorder, not because of you. 
Learn to drive. Get a job. Flip your family the bird as they are not helping you with their backward ideas about women, jobs, marriage and divorce. If you actually want to live, you need to take some steps out of your prison.
Good luck.


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## Revenwyn (Apr 12, 2012)

I have absolutely $0. No joke. I have never been employed in my life, I have no means to save any money to get on a bus. My husband's SSI check provides only $700 a month, and it is ALL gone by the end of the first week of the month due to paying bills. In other words, the women's shelter here won't take me, and I don't have the money to get out and go anywhere else. I have no friends. Even if I did I doubt any would give me money to go anywhere. It's an hour and a half to the nearest bus station too.

I am not trying to make excuses to stay. I am just trying to figure out how to leave when I have no money. I have been looking for work since we've lived here but have not obtained any. Nobody wants to deal with a 30 year old who has never had a job, and I look every day of my 30 years.


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

Revenwyn said:


> I have absolutely $0. No joke. I have never been employed in my life, I have no means to save any money to get on a bus. My husband's SSI check provides only $700 a month, and it is ALL gone by the end of the first week of the month due to paying bills. In other words, the women's shelter here won't take me, and I don't have the money to get out and go anywhere else. I have no friends. Even if I did I doubt any would give me money to go anywhere. It's an hour and a half to the nearest bus station too.
> 
> I am not trying to make excuses to stay. I am just trying to figure out how to leave when I have no money. I have been looking for work since we've lived here but have not obtained any. Nobody wants to deal with a 30 year old who has never had a job, and I look every day of my 30 years.


Join the military! They will give you a job and take you away!
First u may need to file for divorce and then u can try and get resources.
Maybe move back with your parents even if it means I told u so.
Research how to leave spouse w no money. Google seems to have everything u could ever tbink of.
or else u could spend the next 30 years in the same spot if u want.
let me ask tho.
Are u 100% committed to leaving? 
If so, call the shelters. I know they wont help u but maybe they will give you phone numbers or tips on how to do it. Contact dhs, contact anyone or any organization and ask for tips, resources, etc...
Seriously, if u truly want to leave. Start doing it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Revenwyn (Apr 12, 2012)

Keepin-my-head-up said:


> Join the military! They will give you a job and take you away!
> First u may need to file for divorce and then u can try and get resources.
> Maybe move back with your parents even if it means I told u so.
> Research how to leave spouse w no money. Google seems to have everything u could ever tbink of.
> ...


1. I am too disabled for the Military. Tried that years ago. 
2. My family will NOT let me come back. I have asked.
3. I do not have a phone. The closest building to us is a church and there is no way in hell they will allow me to use their phone to leave my husband, unless I could show them physical abuse, which is something he has never done. 

Any place I contact would have to be over the internet, and the connection here is VERY spotty since we borrow (with permission) a neighbor's internet.


I will admit, I am still wavering in indecision. Especially since it looks like his lupus is coming back. He just had his blood test yesterday, on Monday we'll know for sure if it's back or not. If it's back, Medicaid won't pay for the treatment that put it into remission anyway and I may well only have a couple more years to put up with this. Lupus is much more aggressive with men than women. I think I can handle a couple more years. It almost killed him the first time.

I do love him, and I do worry about him. I am tired of playing caretaker and it's starting to break my mind but I do still love him, if that makes any sense. I don't want to HAVE to leave him. I would be leaving because I HAVE to for my own sanity, rather than I WANT to. I have to take care of him so much that I can't move on in my own life, including getting a job, because of how severe his illness is. I really wish that I could.


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## Revenwyn (Apr 12, 2012)

I still can't decide.


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## tpc (Jan 10, 2013)

Regardless of whether you decide to leave, I think you have to take some steps towards actually living rather than just surviving. Take some steps towards being independent, earning money, finding out what is in your area or how you could move to a place where there are more jobs/ facilities/services/transport. Maybe it is not so much a question of whether to leave or stay, but a question of whether to live (ie. become your own person, work, develop interests, develop independence) or survive (live on your husbands SSI cheque and put up with his issues because you basically have no choice). Once you have developed some independence no doubt the question of whether to leave or stay will be much clearer. It's taken your whole life to build this prison, you aren't going to be able to break it down in one movement. You have to do it slowly, brick by brick. That may sound daunting, but is it more or less daunting than spending the rest of your life with no choices? Just start somewhere, anywhere. it might take a few years. But it's better than never starting, never going anywhere and living in a reality you are trapped in. Start with one brick.


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## Revenwyn (Apr 12, 2012)

tpc said:


> Regardless of whether you decide to leave, I think you have to take some steps towards actually living rather than just surviving. Take some steps towards being independent, earning money, finding out what is in your area or how you could move to a place where there are more jobs/ facilities/services/transport. Maybe it is not so much a question of whether to leave or stay, but a question of whether to live (ie. become your own person, work, develop interests, develop independence) or survive (live on your husbands SSI cheque and put up with his issues because you basically have no choice). Once you have developed some independence no doubt the question of whether to leave or stay will be much clearer. It's taken your whole life to build this prison, you aren't going to be able to break it down in one movement. You have to do it slowly, brick by brick. That may sound daunting, but is it more or less daunting than spending the rest of your life with no choices? Just start somewhere, anywhere. it might take a few years. But it's better than never starting, never going anywhere and living in a reality you are trapped in. Start with one brick.


It takes money to move, and when you have no money AND there are no jobs in the area?

And it was my family that built the prison around me, thank you very much.


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## tpc (Jan 10, 2013)

if you honestly believe that you can't change anything, why did you post the question? If you keep doing exactly what you're doing, then, all other things being equal, everything is going to stay the way it is.


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

I agree with tpc,

You want out finds way out.
Where do you live?
How far away is the next city?
What are your medical issues?
Did you graduate high school? College? 

If you want to stay and help out your husband thn work on that. 
Tell us your plan and maybe some of these people can offer advice.

If you want to leave, make a plan and maybe some of these people can offer advice.

So far all you are telling us is you are stuck and giving info in small pieces, saying "I can't"


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## Revenwyn (Apr 12, 2012)

Keepin-my-head-up said:


> I agree with tpc,
> 
> You want out finds way out.
> Where do you live?
> ...


The closest city is 90 minutes drive away and I do not drive. I essentially live in the business center of a larger farming community. Most people here are extremely conservative, and would not help me leave my husband unless I came to them covered in bruises, and half of them would tell me that the Bible does not allow for a wife to leave her husband unless they have committed adultery.

I was homeschooled, and was not actually educated past 8th grade (my family sent in fake grades to the independent study program that held the records needed for the state), as my family believed a woman should just get married and be a homemaker, so why does she need an education?. I did get into college but solely on PE and music credit hours (my family allowed me to take PE and music while in my high school years but little else), though I was forced to quit on academic suspension when my GPA dropped to 1.9.

I have a serious learning disability and have tried taking my GED about four times since and failed each time. I also have seizures, but no diagnosis since my family was adamantly opposed to the medical establishment and refused to take me to a doctor, and now that I am out, I have no money to get this checked out. In my state in order to get Medicaid as a woman I would have to a) have a prior diagnosis, OR b) be SINGLE and pregnant. It's not even possible for me to be pregnant. And without a prior diagnosis I can't even get a social security doctor to see me to see if I would be eligible for SSI. 

Most people in our area are very poor, and because of that there is no Community Care program at the hospital or anything like that, or payment options. To go to the doctor you pay in full or you are not seen. To go to the ER, they would have to treat me up front, but there is no way in hell we would ever be able to pay that off. So I refuse to go. If a seizure takes me out, so be it, at least I won't be suffering anymore.


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## Revenwyn (Apr 12, 2012)

He is hopeless. 

He does not THINK to do things for himself. He wears the same underwear for a month in a row, unless I remind him to change. When he takes clothes to the laundromat (we do not have a car so he walks them there) he only thinks to put one shirt and one pair of underwear in the laundry for himself and then wears it until it stinks to high heaven, and refuses to do laundry for another month. Fortunately he does wash at least two weeks worth for me. He sometimes doesn't bathe for two weeks, unless I remind him to do so and force him to drop whatever he was doing or else he will forget not two minutes later.

I can't reach the kitchen faucet and so he "washes the dishes" but yesterday I found that every eating utensil we own was covered in grease, supposedly "clean." I'm constantly telling him dishes that he supposedly "washed" are not clean- sometimes he'll clean the inside but forget the outside, bottoms, etc, or won't do a thorough job on the inside. He also refuses to toss the scratch pad he's used for the last year. 

I wanted to be a wife. I did not sign up to be an assisted living supervisor. I know he has gotten worse; when we started dating he was doing okay on this sort of thing, but having to move back in his family for lupus treatment seemed to addle his brain somewhat. 

Also, the other day he called me a ***** because I forced him to finally take a bath.


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## Revenwyn (Apr 12, 2012)

Okay is nobody even bothering to read this anymore? Do people think my story is a lie?


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## tpc (Jan 10, 2013)

It seems that you are not interested in advice or making any changes for yourself, so I am not overly interested in listening to you complain about a situation you aren't willing to do anything about.


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## Revenwyn (Apr 12, 2012)

tpc said:


> It seems that you are not interested in advice or making any changes for yourself, so I am not overly interested in listening to you complain about a situation you aren't willing to do anything about.


I would make changes but I do not know how. I am pretty trapped where I am, unable to get to a shelter that will take me, unable to find work, my family will not take me back. The only way I could get out would be to just get out and become homeless and I don't exactly have a death wish. I am 90 minutes from the nearest city, have no car.


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## Revenwyn (Apr 12, 2012)

So I finally got a job. I'm not making much but what I can spare after bills is going into my own personal account to save up for me to get out. I have decided I am going to leave, but I'm not going to leave until I'm prepared financially.


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## tpc (Jan 10, 2013)

Congratulations. Good on you for taking steps to improve your situation and move towards the life you want.


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