# Wife's male coworker



## Worriedindividual

So my wife has changed positions at her work where she has to partner up with others to work with clients. There is a particular man who she has befriended that worry me. My wife is not the flirty or cheating type, but she is beautiful. The first time I met this guy at a working social event, he told me my wife was so ****ing hot! Red flag to me. He is apparently a generous and helpful man to everyone, but has been throwing work to my wife to partner up on which is a good thing because she makes more money, but they spend more time together. They text a lot. I have told her that I don't trust him lieutenant and she says that he is just nice and I'm being stupid. I have read texts of his and to me seem very inappropriate for a work relationship, nothing sexual but inappropriate to for being normal. So I randomly go through her texts just to make sure of things and found she deleted all of his texts from the passed and started over. Instant red flag to me again. I'm now loosing sleep over this and not sure if I'm being paranoid. We have been having marital issues for a while now to top it off and I wouldn't be as worried if not for that. He is married with kids and is rich. Am I being paranoid or should I be worried. She is all about this new career.


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## Bremik

Been in your shoes and know how you feel. Regardless of how long you have been married or what your marital problems are, your wife erasing texts from this guy are more than enough to be worried. If nothing bad was in them she wouldn't have to erase them. You were already warned by this jerk what he thought of your wife so you can be sure there is nothing professional about his actions or intent. Your gut feelings are warning you and you know the complete situation better than anyone here so trust your gut.

Read as much as you can on here and apply what is pertinent to you. As hard as it may be, you have to go silent with her on this issue long enough to gather more info- if you remember nothing else remember that. Others will come along and tell you how to gather information.

I know it is a horrible feeling to be feeling what you are right now. It really would be best if you could talk to clergy or a counselor about your situation because you will have very difficult decisions to make in a very short time and from reading on here you will find out a bad decision based on emotion can make for a lifetime of unhappiness. Sorry you are here but you have taken the first step in helping yourself.


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## manfromlamancha

It would be useful to know a bit more about you and your situation.

How old are you and your wife ? How long have you known each other and how long married ? Where did you meet ? Any kids and if so, how old ? Both of you work ? Who is the main breadwinner ? How long has she been in this job ? Do you know/have you met the OM ? What do they do for a living ? What part of the world are you in ? Any history of infidelity ? Any history of illnesses/problems ? When you say you have been having marital problems, can you elaborate more please ?


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## NoChoice

OP,
I am amazed at the degradation of today's society. In times past it would be quite complimentary to tell another man that his wife was very beautiful as the husband would usually know how it was intended. Today however how does one take such a crass statement. How does one interpret "your wife is so F'ing hot". My first inclination would be, as yours seemed to be, to take the comment as coming from a man of questionable character and more akin to something one male would say to another in a bar referring to a random woman. His remark was highly disrespectful and, to me at least, cause for concern.

I am a believer in open communication and would therefore express to your wife your concerns and ask that, to help alleviate your angst, she open her devices to you and allow you to see their exchanges. That does not seem at all unreasonable unless there is more. If she hesitates then there is something she does not want you to see and I would find out what that is as quickly as possible. It could be nothing but his uncouth behavior would make me think otherwise. Caution is warranted in my opinion.


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## AtMyEnd

I completely understand where you're coming from. I had found texts on my wife's phone that were more than inappropriate for anyone other then a husband to send. After looking through her phone, there were no other texts like those, some flirty but nothing I would really call inappropriate. My wife works in a male dominated industry so she needs to put up with a lot, let's face it, as men sometimes we make comments that are less than appropriate in front of women we know well and are comfortable around.

If she knows that you periodically look at her phone, she may be deleting the texts because she doesn't want you to get upset over something that means nothing and she has just come to accept as normal from this individual because that's his personality, it doesn't mean that she's cheating, thinking of cheating or even entertaining any of the texts. Needless to say you do have reason to be on guard, but I wouldn't make a big deal about this as it could just push your wife further away.

Keep in mind, men say things, sometimes stupid inappropriate things, but unless the red flags you're seeing are from your wife's side of things I wouldn't worry too much. I'm not saying to let your guard down or to stop checking her phone from time to time, but don't push the issue with her or confront her on anything unless there is a real red flag from her. If you constantly question her about this it will only push her away and make her withdraw.


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## Worriedindividual

Married 7 years together for 10 and met through a friend, 2 kids 4 and 5 years old, I'm 34 and she's 31, I have always been the bread winner but with her new position she will eventually be making much more than I.


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## Kivlor

When you say the texts seem inappropriate that is vague, could you provide a couple of examples?


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## BetrayedDad

Worriedindividual said:


> So my wife has changed positions at her work where she has to partner up with others to work with clients. There is a particular man who she has befriended that worry me. My wife is not the flirty or cheating type, but she is beautiful. The first time I met this guy at a working social event, he told me my wife was so ****ing hot! Red flag to me. He is apparently a generous and helpful man to everyone, but has been throwing work to my wife to partner up on which is a good thing because she makes more money, but they spend more time together. They text a lot. I have told her that I don't trust him lieutenant and she says that he is just nice and I'm being stupid. I have read texts of his and to me seem very inappropriate for a work relationship, nothing sexual but inappropriate to for being normal. So I randomly go through her texts just to make sure of things and found she deleted all of his texts from the passed and started over. Instant red flag to me again. I'm now loosing sleep over this and not sure if I'm being paranoid. We have been having marital issues for a while now to top it off and I wouldn't be as worried if not for that. He is married with kids and is rich. Am I being paranoid or should I be worried. She is all about this new career.


My ex used to text her boss a lot. Come to find out they were banging in the park lot at lunch and after work. 

The deleting of texts is completely unacceptable and without trust you have no relationship. Don't live a lie man. 

If she isn't going to be AS TRANSPARENT AS GLASS with you on this guy then you need to give her an ultimatum.

Either it's this "new career" or you. If she gives a crap about you, then the choice would be very easy for her.

Time to man up and do what must be done. Whether its the outcome you want or not. Don't compromise your dignity.


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## Emerging Buddhist

It is a mixed blessing in today's working environment... we get both the talents and the temptations of all genders and unfortunately the weaknesses that temptations bring with it. It's not just the weaknesses of fidelity in committed relationships, but the weaknesses of jealousy and uncertainty when trust needs to be there and the fine line that comes at times between the two.

@NoChoice is right... your open communication right now is very important... it will allow you to place your boundaries in a very clear and acceptable foothold that is the foundation of trust. I am a true believer of "those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing", but minimizing your comments instead or at least considering them may be her trying to deflect an argument with you more than her liking a light flirting with somebody because "the banter brings in the work", but it is her responsibility to openly engage your concerns that are present.

Be neither paranoid nor worried... be confident and clear.

And hold firm to your reasonable boundaries.


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## Emerging Buddhist

Worriedindividual said:


> Married 7 years together for 10 and met through a friend, 2 kids 4 and 5 years old, I'm 34 and she's 31, I have always been the bread winner but with her new position she will eventually be making much more than I.


You are entering a stage where you will be spending more time apart than together... it's time to focus on quality and not quantity, remembering that if one wants to be trusted, one has to be honest.

I learned in the military that time apart and distance doesn't ruin relationships... doubts do.


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## Evinrude58

Deleted texts? Enough said.

Your wife is being groomed by a man who likely has history of this kind of activity.

You have to be totally decisive.
Do not confront until you are absolutely certain of your plans.
Do not threaten anything that you're unwilling to follow through on.
Do not lose your cool. No temper or cursing outbutsts.

This kind of thing demands cold calculation.

Find out more information, or whatever info you need to make a decision, then confront with consequences you can stick to.

If you are wishywashy and allow her to talk you out of things so that she stays in the presence of this predator, you're sunk.

Whatever you do, do NOT try to nice her back. 

I would wait just a small while until I was satisfied there is a real problem. There are huge red flags everywhere. Deleted texts alone are in my opinion reason to tell her to move jobs. If she is unwilling, and she will be, you have to make dead sure you're willing to give consequences and stick to them. Time to ask yourself how strong you are, and be honest with yourself.
Sorry bro.


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## syhoybenden

Evinrude58 said:


> Deleted texts? Enough said.
> 
> Your wife is being groomed by a man who likely has history of this kind of activity.


You ignore your gut at your own peril.


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## ReidWright

I'd keep my mouth shut and investigate more.

get an undelete message program pronto...Dr. Fone or similar. Does she have apps like snapchat, kik, or whatsapp installed? she what she's deleting. Maybe she's just deleting them because the guy is a creeper. But it's her response that is important.


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## TAMAT

WI,

Save off all the evidence that you can, you will need it to expose this guy to personnel and his family and wife.

this "great guy" is most likely a smooth seducer and your family is in his cross hairs, he knows your wife has young children yet he is making advances that will destroy their lives and happiness.

The messages will gradually become even more inappropriate than they are now you need to install spy software. But you need enough evidence to get him fired or divorced.

Tamat


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## WasDecimated

There are plenty of Red flags here



Worriedindividual said:


> So my wife has changed positions at her work where she has to partner up with others to work with clients. There is a particular man who she has befriended that worry me. My wife is not the flirty or cheating type, but she is beautiful. The first time I met this guy at a working social event, he told me my wife was so ****ing hot! Red flag to me. He is apparently a generous and helpful man to everyone, but has been throwing work to my wife to partner up on which is a good thing because she makes more money, but they spend more time together. They text a lot. I have told her that I don't trust him lieutenant and she says that he is just nice and I'm being stupid. I have read texts of his and to me seem very inappropriate for a work relationship, nothing sexual but inappropriate to for being normal. So I randomly go through her texts just to make sure of things and found she deleted all of his texts from the passed and started over. Instant red flag to me again. I'm now loosing sleep over this and not sure if I'm being paranoid. We have been having marital issues for a while now to top it off and I wouldn't be as worried if not for that. He is married with kids and is rich. Am I being paranoid or should I be worried. She is all about this new career.


All these Red flags coupled with the fact that you say your wife is beautiful is a cause for much concern. Some pigs can't control themselves around beautiful women. If he is that rich, it could mean he has a sense of entitlement to poach whatever or whoever he wants. The fact that he is married and has kids should give you no comfort. Your gut is telling you something is wrong...believe it. You have expressed your concern to her and she defended him, not you. That speaks volumes. You need to dig deeper but since they work together, it may be more difficult to find proof. 

You should try focusing on your marriage first but if you discover more...all bets are off.


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## Yeswecan

The OM is working your W. Stating to you that your W if f'ing hot. It is certain he said the same directly to your W. It appears you W is eating it up. Deleted text is very bad. Act now.


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## Ol'Pal

Not another word to your wife about it! You've probably already said to much. Gathering evidence is all you need to be doing right now. Act like nothing is wrong in her presence. 

Then when you get your evidence, which you will it sounds like, kick her ass to the curb.


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## Marc878

You are in a position to stop this before it gets started. 

Download your phone bill and look at the volume. It may shock you.

If she's deleted texts it's a huge red flag. You would be wise to silently do a deleted text recovery just to make sure of what's going on.

If you are afraid or to timid to make someone mad you'll be sorry later.

IMO go silent until you get what you need then send the evidence to the other mans wife. It's the surest way to stop this. If you do nothing and help hide it that will be your issue. 

Get your wife a copy of "Not Just Friends"


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## Marc878

Your gut is probably screaming at you. Better plan your moves carefully


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## manfromlamancha

manfromlamancha said:


> It would be useful to know a bit more about you and your situation.
> 
> How old are you and your wife ? How long have you known each other and how long married ? Where did you meet ? Any kids and if so, how old ? Both of you work ? Who is the main breadwinner ? How long has she been in this job ? Do you know/have you met the OM ? What do they do for a living ? What part of the world are you in ? Any history of infidelity ? Any history of illnesses/problems ? When you say you have been having marital problems, can you elaborate more please ?





Worriedindividual said:


> Married 7 years together for 10 and met through a friend, 2 kids 4 and 5 years old, I'm 34 and she's 31, I have always been the bread winner but with her new position she will eventually be making much more than I.


Thanks for the quick reply. So some more questions:

What was the nature of the texts between the [email protected] and your wife ?
What are the marital problems that you have been having recently and how long have they been going on ?
Why is she eventually going to make more money ? Has she got new qualifications (maybe a study program that you financed) ?
Or is it only because of this guy giving her extra work? In this case this would mean if you got rid of him she wouldn't make as much money elsewhere ?
What does she do for a living ?


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## Worriedindividual

Well, passed few years much less on the intimacy since we started having kids which I guess is to be expected, arguing and disagreements. Just has a loss of a connection I feel. Her new position is a financial adviser which she has worked her butt off to achieve. That process had really tooks its toll on our marrage. So the money comes in time building a client base.


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## Tobyboy

What did he say in those text that were inappropriate?


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## Worriedindividual

Again nothing sexual, but talking about missing that pretty face. A lot of stuff like commenting that they have good talks and she lights up his days, which may seem harmless without the right context. It's how he words things. Another example, she had a bad day and he set something up for them to work on, and she said thanks I needed that, his reply was "I'm glad I can satisfy your needs". There has been many things that are to lengthy and hard to explain and don't remember word for word how they were delivered.


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## Worriedindividual

I have explained in detail to others I work with and they get furious themselves hearing it.


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## Tobyboy

Worriedindividual said:


> Again nothing sexual, but talking about missing that pretty face. A lot of stuff like commenting that they have good talks and she lights up his days, which may seem harmless without the right context. It's how he words things. Another example, she had a bad day and he set something up for them to work on, and she said thanks I needed that, his reply was "I'm glad I can satisfy your needs". There has been many things that are to lengthy and hard to explain and don't remember word for word how they were delivered.


Very inappropriate!! Is this pos her boss? You said your wife changed work position....same company?


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## NoChoice

Worriedindividual said:


> Again nothing sexual, but talking about missing that pretty face. A lot of stuff like commenting that they have good talks and she lights up his days, which may seem harmless without the right context. It's how he words things. Another example, she had a bad day and he set something up for them to work on, and she said thanks I needed that, his reply was "I'm glad I can satisfy your needs". There has been many things that are to lengthy and hard to explain and don't remember word for word how they were delivered.


OP,
You most definitely have a problem. Again, I am for open communication and discourse. You must present your point in such way so as to cause your wife to clearly see it. Reverse the rolls and ask her to try to imagine her feelings at seeing texts like that between you and another woman. Also, ask her how she would feel if she were the wife of this "great guy" after reading his texts to his OW, which in this case is her. If she sees nothing wrong in either case then the marriage may be too far gone. However, if she is a person of some intellect and integrity she will see the bad path she is on.

He is most assuredly greasing the skids and the skids lead right into your W. Your W will need to make a decision for if she continues on this path the future of your marriage is bleak indeed. I would do this sooner rather than later, hopefully she will see how this looks from a different perspective and make corrections as necessary. Good fortune to you.


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## Yeswecan

Worriedindividual said:


> Again nothing sexual, but talking about missing that pretty face. A lot of stuff like commenting that they have good talks and she lights up his days, which may seem harmless without the right context. It's how he words things. Another example, she had a bad day and he set something up for them to work on, and she said thanks I needed that, his reply was "I'm glad I can satisfy your needs". There has been many things that are to lengthy and hard to explain and don't remember word for word how they were delivered.


Missing the pretty face, etc is grooming your W sir. This dude is working it hard. RED FLAGS all day.


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## Yeswecan

Worriedindividual said:


> I have explained in detail to others I work with and they get furious themselves hearing it.


Of course they do. Your W coworking is being worked. The OM stated he found your W F'ing hot. Come on man...other guys just do not do that. This guy is bold to a fault. Your W I'm sure is eating it up.

Take a few days to assemble proof. OM is big trouble.


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## Lostme

Worry because she says how you feel is being stupid, I would close my mouth and investigate as much as I could before saying anything.


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## straightshooter

Like someone else said, play ostrich at your own peril. You would like to have a dollar for every story like yours that starts out with inappropriate text mixed in with work where the wife says it's nothing . 

You need to google "signs your wife is cheating " and see if any apply. Guarding the phone and deleting texts are big red flags. Say nothing and get the Dr. Fone.
Next step is anVAR in the car.
And get the book " Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. You will
See why the workplace is now the incubator for affairs


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## Jessica38

This has Emotional Affair written all over it. OP, if you want to fight for your marriage you need to tell your wife that she will either quit her job today or separate. You know this is going on and you are enabling it to support your wife's work. in you first post you actually said that her teaming up with this guy has its advantages (more $$$). You need to seriously rethink your priorities.


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## Worriedindividual

Believe me, money is not my priority but it is hers. A happy marriage and close bond to me is all I need.


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## Nucking Futs

straightshooter said:


> Like someone else said, play ostrich at your own peril. You would like to have a dollar for every story like yours that starts out with inappropriate text mixed in with work where the wife says it's nothing .
> 
> You need to google "signs your wife is cheating " and see if any apply. Guarding the phone and deleting texts are big red flags. Say nothing and get the Dr. Fone.
> *Next step is a VAR in the car*.
> And get the book " Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. You will
> See why the workplace is now the incubator for affairs


Click the link in my sig and follow the directions in that thread.


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## AtMyEnd

Worriedindividual said:


> Again nothing sexual, but talking about missing that pretty face. A lot of stuff like commenting that they have good talks and she lights up his days, which may seem harmless without the right context. It's how he words things. Another example, she had a bad day and he set something up for them to work on, and she said thanks I needed that, his reply was "I'm glad I can satisfy your needs". There has been many things that are to lengthy and hard to explain and don't remember word for word how they were delivered.


But what were her responses to those texts? Did she blow them off and change topics or did she text back something that was suggestive in any way, not sexually suggestive but more yes you're satisfying my needs kind of suggestive.


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## NoChoice

Worriedindividual said:


> Believe me, money is not my priority but it is hers. A happy marriage and close bond to me is all I need.


Did you not indicate that the OM was very well off financially? OP, it is crucial that you present as confident and sure, do not come across as weak and indecisive. If she asks why you are being so stoic explain to her that your marriage, wife and family are at stake and this is not the time to be weak. This threat to your marriage requires a strong response from both of you. She can get other clients, the road may just be a little more difficult. Is she willing to sacrifice her family for money?


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## Emerging Buddhist

It takes two to play... it's her responses that will make or break your trust.

He is a problem with the suggestive garbage... there is no EA unless she reciprocates.

She may simply be deciding to disregard his garbage... but not being open with you is a trust issue in itself as she may think she can deal with it and you would make a bad thing worse.

I'll not cast a "Scarlett A" on her yet, but this is definitely a team effort and you need the confidence she will shut him down in a way that satisfies both of you... the money is not worth it and the power to believe this is in control misplaced.


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## Worriedindividual

Most responses have been smilie type emojis or thanks, definitely positive.


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## Emerging Buddhist

Worriedindividual said:


> Most responses have been smilie type emojis or thanks, definitely positive.


Hmm... boundary time.


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## BetrayedDad

Sorry to break it to you OP. Your wife is ALREADY cheating on you.

Emotionally so far for sure. Personally, I think they are banging already. 

And if they aren't, they are about one loving glance away from smashing.

Staying at the job is no longer an option. She needs to quit ASAP or your screwed.


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## Jessica38

Worriedindividual said:


> Believe me, money is not my priority but it is hers. A happy marriage and close bond to me is all I need.


Then your wife is very lucky and I'm sorry you're going through this. She has poor boundaries and it might be time to sit her down and let her know that this is not ok with you. She's getting her ego kibbles from this guy.


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## Jessica38

BetrayedDad said:


> Sorry to break it to you OP. You're wife is ALREADY cheating on you.
> 
> Emotionally so far for sure. Personally, I think they are banging already.
> 
> And if they aren't, they are about one loving glance away from smashing.
> 
> Staying at the job is no longer an option. She needs to quit ASAP or your screwed.


Yes- great post.


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## Yeswecan

Worriedindividual said:


> Most responses have been smilie type emojis or thanks, definitely positive.



It is a VERY good idea to purchase, "Just Not Friends" Shirley Glass. If your W is sending simple thanks, etc and is not believing there is more to it I got a bridge to sell you.


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## Worriedindividual

Thank you all for your posts. It good to hear that I'm not just crazy. That said, it doesn't feel that good though.


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## *Deidre*

Why is your wife entertaining this guy, though? He sounds sleazy and cheesy with his comments, but your wife is flattered by him? She should be texting back, ''please don't talk to me like that,'' but instead she is texting back and forth, and deleting texts. This isn't your fault, but it sounds like your wife likes the attention, and I have to ask, why is that?


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## Sparta

BetrayedDad said:


> Sorry to break it to you OP. Your wife is ALREADY cheating on you.
> 
> Emotionally so far for sure. Personally, I think they are banging already.
> 
> And if they aren't, they are about one loving glance away from smashing.
> 
> Staying at the job is no longer an option. She needs to quit ASAP or your screwed.


OP be advised BetrayedDad has hit it on the money, if she's deleting texts screwed they've already screwed it's not an emotional Affair it is a physical affair. It's what adults do they have sex... odds are that's what the percentage tells us on here it's already physical. You can't do anything until you gather evidence before you confront her and never give up your source of information ever. Or she'll just take it underground and or get a Burner phone and Gaslight you to death... Proceed with caution and please try to do everything that you are told here. You're obviously not going to be thinking too well because of your situations and the emotions you're going through. You will have to just trust us. OP keep posting here. You're going to need all the help you can get.


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## Evinrude58

Your wife is placing other men and money/career over you.
I'm agree with the VAR, and recovering deleted texts. There's simply no explanation for deleting texts except guilt and fear of you learning the truth, whatever it is. She doesn't want you to know the truth--- that's troublesome.
You need to learn what you need to motivate you to some decisiveness. Every day the OM is looking better and better, and good is easily be in her pants already.


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## straightshooter

Worriedindividual said:


> Thank you all for your posts. It good to hear that I'm not just crazy. That said, it doesn't feel that good though.


Well, if you don't start acting on what you have been told you are going to feel a hell of a lot worse when you kick yourself in the ass for not getting out of denial here.

She is already in an EA, no doubt about that, and you are clueless as to what danger your marriage is really in. 

So if I understand it correctly, she is a financial advoisor and lover boy is her mentor. And to make it worse, the two of them are not confined to an office as they go together to visit clients. 

You better get a GPS on her car like yesterday so next time she tells you she will be late you"lol know if she is at the local Marriott with him or his apartment or house. You quickest way to find out what is really going on is to get that VAR in her car. You can bet your 401k she is talking "privately" to him in the car on the way home.

And if you have enough money you need a PI to watch them come out of work at the end of the day to see if there is any snuggling in the parking lot.

Now your other option is to do nothing and wait until you stumble upon a random text. But looks I said you ain't going to feel real good when that happens.

And one more thing. Do yourself a favor and do not question here right now. All that will do after she tells you how crazy you are is alert her to your suspicions and send what she is doing further underground.

And lastly, I'll save you some time her and give you a few more red flags you are looking for
(1). Locking or hiding her phone or spending more time than usual on it
(2). Closing the phone down or hiding the screen . She's already deleting texts so big red flag there
(3). Change in her "grooming". To put it bluntly for you, if she never shaved her snatch before and all of a sudden she is hairless and you had nothing to do with its, someone else made the suggestion.
(4). More girls night out with friends that you do not know
(5). Change in communication with her "disappearing" for more time than normal. If she is going to the gym and comes home 4 hours later, then either she took a shower for three hours or met someone
(6). Showers immediately upon coming in the house without inviting you
(7). Noticeable change in sex life. Women in affairs usually find hubby boring and unattractive compared to the boyfriend.

I could keep going but if you have read this far and are not getting ready to do something, then no advice is going to help you.


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## aine

It is not definite that the relationship has gone physical but your wife is definitely crossing boundaries.
Do not put her on notice about this anymore until you have more evidence.

VAR her car and keep your eyes and ears open for unaccounted time, statements that are made, etc. 
If possible keep a record on your phone, pc, etc so that you can cross check later
If this man is married it might be an idea to reach out to his wife with the evidence you have- no wife will want her H talking to another married woman this way. Tell her not to reveal her sources.

Finally, have you been giving your wife the attention she needs? Not to blame you (as there is no excuse for EA or PA) but sometimes men forget to 'water the garden at home' so to speak. What have you been doing for your wife lately to show her you love her and care for her?


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## Marc878

aine said:


> It is not definite that the relationship has gone physical but your wife is definitely crossing boundaries.
> Do not put her on notice about this anymore until you have more evidence.
> 
> VAR her car and keep your eyes and ears open for unaccounted time, statements that are made, etc.
> If possible keep a record on your phone, pc, etc so that you can cross check later
> If this man is married it might be an idea to reach out to his wife with the evidence you have- no wife will want her H talking to another married woman this way. Tell her not to reveal her sources.
> 
> *Finally, have you been giving your wife the attention she needs? Not to blame you (as there is no excuse for EA or PA) but sometimes men forget to 'water the garden at home' so to speak. What have you been doing for your wife lately to show her you love her and care for her?*


Good advice. Everyone should have a date night once a week. It's easy to slip into complacency and let the marriage get stale. Better ramp up your game.


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## Jessica38

Date night is great advice for improving a marriage, but first the OP needs to bust up the EA.

I recommend the book Surviving an Affair for a plan that will help you turn this around, OP. It's not an easy road- it requires investigating while putting on your game face so you can gather enough evidence that this is an EA (copies of texts, emails, etc) to expose to your family, and the OM's wife (is he married?). Your wife will need to quit her job immediately and send a no contact email to the OM and change her contact info.

Then you can work on R the marriage. 

Every time she gets a text, sees and/or talks to the OM, she goes right back into her Affair fog. It has to end before you can repair your marriage.

I know this sounds extreme if you're not familiar with EAs, but it's not- it's the same protocol if she were having a physical affair, which is where this is headed. She's already cheating.


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## farsidejunky

So, WI, your wife is in at least an emotional affair. @GusPolinski likes to say the EA + physical proximity = physical affair. In most cases, I tend to agree with him.

So this is emotional at best, physical at worst.

What are you prepared to do?


----------



## manfromlamancha

OK thanks again for your quick replies.

So I am not sure if she is an independent financial adviser as opposed to working for a financial company like a bank on just their products or if she works for a financial advice company, or a company like a bank where she has their products to sell. Most financial advisers kind of "work for themselves" and are dependent on a commission on the products they sell. In the UK it is now highly regulated because prior to it being regulated it was a [email protected] profession with "advisers" preying upon gullible, old and uninformed people (which was the majority of normal people).

So I am guessing the POS became rich in this way. Good financial advisers were hard to find. Nowadays, because of regulation, they are common - so they have to work hard to earn their money. They deal with mortgages, pensions, investments etc. 

She is probably learning the ropes from this guy. Normally they would be competitors. Other experienced financial advisers have no reason to help a newbie unless they get something out of it. You say they have been "partnered up". Are there other partners she could work with ?


OK so on to your problem:

There is absolutely no doubt that this guys is a predator. He is grooming your wife. She is slightly weak in her moneylust and need to make this work - after all she is going to invest a lot of time (and has already done so in getting her licence, being trained on products etc) in building her client base - even you could help her find new clients (I am not sure what you do for a living). YOU NEED TO GET THIS GUY OUT OF HER (AND YOUR) LIFE! NOW!! He is not a friend. He is not doing it for the good of anything. He senses a weakness in your wife and is driving a bus through the *****. She needs to understand too that this is bad and that you are not going to tolerate it - financial success or not! Tell him to his face to stay the fvck away from your wife. And make sure your wife understands there will be consequences.


She needs to tell him to stop with the comments and keep it professional. She then needs to go back and request a different "partner". If push comes to shove she needs to then make sure HR understands that he is being inappropriate in his messages. If she shrugs this off and tries to tell you that there is nothing there and that she would never respond to his advances, tell her that her smile emojis or even no response is a response in itself to a predator. She needs to shoot it down. If she still does not do this then your problem is not with him - it is with her and you will need to work on her!


Next, lay out the consequences very clearly to your wife (AND REALLY BE PREPARED TO ACT ON THEM or else you will lose your dignity in addition to your marriage). Do it calmly and by starting with telling her how much you love her but … you will not stay in a marriage where infidelity is knocking on your doorstep right by disrespect and eventual lies. Tell her if she wants this over her marriage and kids, then you are quite happy for her to go find her happiness but she cannot stay with you. She should admire you for standing up for your marriage and not taking any sh!t from anyone.


Lay out a plan with her on how she might be able to achieve the success she wants without this [email protected] Get involved where you can else find friends, contacts etc who can help her, advise her. This shows her that you have an interest in her career and have taken some time to find out more about it and how you can help her.


You need to act on this swiftly and effectively. Do not dilly dally. Do not be afraid to spy/snoop on what she says to him, where she goes etc. Be in his face though. If she is going out, go with her. If he says anything shoot it down real fast (and rudely too).

I am assuming he is older than you two ? Since he is married, get to know his wife. Make sure she understands that her husband thinks your wife if effing hot and sends her suggestive comments all the time. Light some fires under his arse!


----------



## allez

AtMyEnd said:


> If she knows that you periodically look at her phone, she may be deleting the texts because she doesn't want you to get upset over something that means nothing
> .


Or she could be deleting them because they're none of his business, and is pissed off at them being read.

Why do so many people believe that being married, or being in a relationship, means that you have the right to read through someone's messages or emails? If you have a gut feeling (I actually hate that phrase, it means nothing, there's no such thing as psychic, so a gut feeling is absolutely nothing but in your head) about something then speak to your partner about it. If you want to know about what's going on with them, then speak to them, ask them. Communication is clearly the way to go.


----------



## TaDor

OP : Your wife is already at the EA stage. Everyone who is giving you advice - including me, and been there.

DO NOT - REPEAT - DO NOT ENGAGE at this time. Act like everything is NORMAL... until you get advice from some people here over the next few days. Get the VAR and GPS and phone records - NOW. But those VAR / GPS from a local store with CASH or buy through an account she wouldn't know to look at. Those are cheap.

Whatever MONEY your wife is making for "the family unit" isn't going to me squat if the marriage is ripped apart.

You need to move fast... his attack on your family has been going on for months. You've come to the fight late and don't know the battle rules yet.

Be calm for now. That is what you need to do. Get the book "not just friends" - plan on YOUR wife reading it... as a requirement. Get two copies if you want, kindle - whatever.

You're about to go into battle, be calm - get intel - then we'll help your game plan. Hopefully, we'll get you there in time before things go into total crap. Go in half-cocked and you will likely fail.

She may not know it - but she is cheating on you. If you get the VAR and GPS into her car in the next 24 hours, you'll have what you need in a few days.

Good luck. I gotta go.


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## AtMyEnd

allez said:


> Or she could be deleting them because they're none of his business, and is pissed off at them being read.
> 
> Why do so many people believe that being married, or being in a relationship, means that you have the right to read through someone's messages or emails? If you have a gut feeling (I actually hate that phrase, it means nothing, there's no such thing as psychic, so a gut feeling is absolutely nothing but in your head) about something then speak to your partner about it. If you want to know about what's going on with them, then speak to them, ask them. Communication is clearly the way to go.


I do agree with you, unless there is some type of evidence of something. Even in a marriage, there are some things that are private, like conversations with friends.

In my situation, my wife's phone was unlocked one night, she had fallen asleep with it in her hand and I guess since her hand was still touching the screen it never locked. I had no intention of looking at the phone but when I went to move it to the night table for her, I looked down and saw a text from another man that we both know asking about "How I was being?". I was taken back by that because as much as I know who he his and her relationship with him, I didn't know why she would be talking to him about our relationship, so I scrolled through the thread. In doing so, I found a very suggestive text from him followed by a rather vague response from her. I confronted her about it and she said it was nothing more than an unsolicited text from him and that nothing had ever happened, he told me the same when I confronted him about it. I asked to see her phone when I confronted her and she absolutely refused citing how important her privacy was to her, this made me even more suspicious. Since then I have gained access to her phone without her knowing and have gone through everything in it and have found nothing that says anything ever happened and more that says it was just an unsolicited text from this guy. And as much as I understand that she has the right to her privacy, given the circumstances I think she should've shown me the phone when I asked.

So yes, sometimes your gut feeling is wrong and puts thoughts in your head that may or may not exist, but when there are existing issues in a marriage and communication is lacking it's hard to stop your gut from putting thoughts in your head when you see something, question it, and get less than satisfactory answers.


----------



## WasDecimated

allez said:


> Or she could be deleting them because they're none of his business, and is pissed off at them being read.
> 
> Why do so many people believe that being married, or being in a relationship, means that you have the right to read through someone's messages or emails? If you have a gut feeling (I actually hate that phrase, it means nothing, there's no such thing as psychic, so a gut feeling is absolutely nothing but in your head) about something then speak to your partner about it. If you want to know about what's going on with them, then speak to them, ask them. Communication is clearly the way to go.


Seriously? It all starts with a gut feeling. It's called intuition. Most affairs, my XWW's included, are discovered based on intuition. It has nothing to do with being psychic. However, it does have everything to do with minute and subtle changes in a partners body language and behavior that we pick up on subconsciously. Most of us, lead by just a gut feeling, discovered the cheating and betrayal. It also happens to be how many crimes are solved.

Now for snooping. I had many discussions with my XWW about how I was feeling (Gut feeling). For months she denied there was anything wrong with our marriage. In fact, she was constantly reassuring me that we were great and she loved me. My gut feeling was telling me otherwise. For my own sanity, I started snooping. Guess what, I discovered she was cheating and it had been going on for 1 1/2 years! 

Base on your comment, I venture to guess that you have never been the victim of betrayal. If not, than why are you giving advice to people who are? The thing is, cheaters Lie. When you speak to your cheating partner about what you feel...do you really think they will tell you the truth? Anyone who doesn't listen to their Gut, is a fool.

Being married also means being transparent to each other. If you want to keep secrets than you shouldn't be married. Its obvious that she deleted the emails because he questioned her about them...like you advised above. All that did was force her to cover her tracks and take her, at the very least EA, underground.


----------



## Nucking Futs

Decimated said:


> Seriously? It all starts with a gut feeling. It's called intuition. Most affairs, my XWW's included, are discovered based on intuition. It has nothing to do with being psychic. However, it does have everything to do with minute and subtle changes in a partners body language and behavior that we pick up on subconsciously. Most of us, lead by just a gut feeling, discovered the cheating and betrayal. It also happens to be how many crimes are solved.
> 
> Now for snooping. I had many discussions with my XWW about how I was feeling (Gut feeling). For months she denied there was anything wrong with our marriage. In fact, she was constantly reassuring me that we were great and she loved me. My gut feeling was telling me otherwise. For my own sanity, I started snooping. Guess what, I discovered she was cheating and it had been going on for 1 1/2 years!
> 
> *Base on your comment, I venture to guess that you have never been the victim of betrayal.* If not, than why are you giving advice to people who are? The thing is, cheaters Lie. When you speak to your cheating partner about what you feel...do you really think they will tell you the truth? Anyone who doesn't listen to their Gut, is a fool.
> 
> Being married also means being transparent to each other. If you want to keep secrets than you shouldn't be married. Its obvious that she deleted the emails because he questioned her about them...like you advised above. All that did was force her to cover her tracks and take her, at the very least EA, underground.


No, he's a remorseless cheater that wants his wife to just get over it. He's got a problem with the whole reading the messages thing because he's just been busted messaging a new hottie.


----------



## arbitrator

Worriedindividual said:


> Married 7 years together for 10 and met through a friend, 2 kids 4 and 5 years old, I'm 34 and she's 31, I have always been the bread winner but with her new position she will eventually be making much more than I.


*Welcome to the Kingdom of Plan B, because lover boy is now her championed sole proprietor of Plan A!

Continue to monitor her activities as best you can and get as much confirmation of it via the underseat VAR in her car, it by hiring a PI; but in any event, I'd bet you a damned dollar to a jelly donut that they've already been "bumping uglies" for quite a while already! 

Schedule yourself a nice, long visit with a good "piranha" family attorney to fully advise you of both your property and custodial rights! And on the way over to see the lawyer, make a stop by your MD's office and get checked out thoroughly for the presence of some nasty STD that she might have incidentally acquired as a "love gift" from good "Ol' Mortimer!"

And provided that "lover boy" is still married, his loving W definitely has every right to know what he's been up to ~ or down to!*


----------



## BetrayedDad

allez said:


> Why do so many people believe that being married, or being in a relationship, means that you have the right to read through someone's messages or emails? If you have a gut feeling (I actually hate that phrase, it means nothing, there's no such thing as psychic, so a gut feeling is absolutely nothing but in your head) about something then speak to your partner about it. If you want to know about what's going on with them, then speak to them, ask them. Communication is clearly the way to go.


Yeah, cause no cheater ever lied to their spouse when directly asked if they were cheating..... This statement is naïve.

Blindly trusting ANYONE is foolish at best. I prefer the mantra, "trust but verify". Never met a person with a good secret.

If you're not an open book, then you are an untrustworthy person. Only privacy you should need is on the toilet imo.


----------



## bankshot1993

Not sure if anybody has said this already but if i were you i would try to get ahead of his game plan.

Do some homework and find all the strategies that players use to groom their next conquest. Once you have enough sit down with her and share your concerns about what you think he is up to (because he is grooming her), than show her all the things you've found.

If she reads his script first and then sees him using those lines and trying those strategies she will see it for what it is instead of being sucked in by what she thinks is some sincere connection.


----------



## farsidejunky

Or, just find out who he is and blow his world up.


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## phillybeffandswiss

allez said:


> Or she could be deleting them because they're none of his business, and is pissed off at them being read.


You are so right. When my wife has something on her mind or dislikes something I've done, I'll make sure to do things which make her suspicion grow. So, if I get home late one night, the next time I will be later. If she doesn't like one of my female coworkers, I'll make sure she is always with me when I get picked up from work. If I get texts, from someone she doesn't, I'll make sure to delete them.





> Why do so many people believe that being married, or being in a relationship, means that you have the right to read through someone's messages or emails?


 Most don't until some hinky shenanigans occur. You know the "gut" which irritates you.



> If you have a gut feeling (I actually hate that phrase, it means nothing, there's no such thing as psychic, so a gut feeling is absolutely nothing but in your head)


 Well, let me know when you do your study which proves it is psychic and only in your head. Make sure it is published and peer reviewed as well. Gut Feeling is slang and is basically your mind putting things together which you do not fully catch or ignore. It IS NOT a person becoming Professor X, with super secret powers.



> then speak to your partner about it. If you want to know about what's going on with them, then speak to them, ask them. Communication is clearly the way to go.


I do agree with this part, but when things don't sit right and your spouse's actions do not add up, trust your gut.

Edit:
Oops, well NF just showed me why your reaction is so visceral. Oh well, hope this post helps OP.

Edit 2:
I just started reading your thread. This is completely hilarious. I had no idea my night out sarcastic scenario is basically you.


----------



## 225985

bankshot1993 said:


> Not sure if anybody has said this already but if i were you i would try to get ahead of his game plan.
> 
> 
> 
> Do some homework and find all the strategies that players use to groom their next conquest. Once you have enough sit down with her and share your concerns about what you think he is up to (because he is grooming her), than show her all the things you've found.
> 
> 
> 
> If she reads his script first and then sees him using those lines and trying those strategies she will see it for what it is instead of being sucked in by what she thinks is some sincere connection.




Good advice. 

OP, if your wife is being groomed, the player simply may be doing things you are not. 

Actually listening to your wife. 
Complimenting her. 
Make her laugh. 
Giving her his time and attention. 

Are you doing these?

Are you in great physical shape? If not, fix that.


----------



## allez

AtMyEnd said:


> I do agree with you, unless there is some type of evidence of something. Even in a marriage, there are some things that are private, like conversations with friends.
> 
> In my situation, my wife's phone was unlocked one night, she had fallen asleep with it in her hand and I guess since her hand was still touching the screen it never locked. I had no intention of looking at the phone but when I went to move it to the night table for her, I looked down and saw a text from another man that we both know asking about "How I was being?". I was taken back by that because as much as I know who he his and her relationship with him, I didn't know why she would be talking to him about our relationship, so I scrolled through the thread. In doing so, I found a very suggestive text from him followed by a rather vague response from her. I confronted her about it and she said it was nothing more than an unsolicited text from him and that nothing had ever happened, he told me the same when I confronted him about it. I asked to see her phone when I confronted her and she absolutely refused citing how important her privacy was to her, this made me even more suspicious. Since then I have gained access to her phone without her knowing and have gone through everything in it and have found nothing that says anything ever happened and more that says it was just an unsolicited text from this guy. And as much as I understand that she has the right to her privacy, given the circumstances I think she should've shown me the phone when I asked.
> 
> So yes, sometimes your gut feeling is wrong and puts thoughts in your head that may or may not exist, but when there are existing issues in a marriage and communication is lacking it's hard to stop your gut from putting thoughts in your head when you see something, question it, and get less than satisfactory answers.


The situation you mention, you spoke to your wife about it. That's the main point I was trying to make. For me, there's far too much advice that suggests people should check their partners emails and phone records and facebook messages, it's just not healthy. Confront the matter head on if you're worried, speak to your partner, rather than trying to catch them out.


----------



## allez

Nucking Futs said:


> No, he's a remorseless cheater that wants his wife to just get over it. He's got a problem with the whole reading the messages thing because he's just been busted messaging a new hottie.


Haha...you must be a barrel of laughs to live with, turning into a mini Sherlock Holmes at every opportunity - "look look...look what I've found...this guy is saying this now, but said this previously...".

Sad, and well...just sad actually. Not the first time our paths have crossed on here mind, I thought you came across pretty sad last time too. :crying:

This thread has nothing to do with what I've done, or what's happened in my marriage previously. It has everything to do with the fact that I thoroughly believe that you'll do far more good by communicating with a partner than by being a Nucking Futs...oops I mean amateur detective.

And, for the record, I'm not "remorseless" and I wasn't "messaging a new hottie".


----------



## allez

BetrayedDad said:


> Yeah, cause no cheater ever lied to their spouse when directly asked if they were cheating..... This statement is naïve.
> 
> Blindly trusting ANYONE is foolish at best. I prefer the mantra, "trust but verify". Never met a person with a good secret.
> 
> *If you're not an open book, then you are an untrustworthy person*. Only privacy you should need is on the toilet imo.


If my statement is naive, then yours (in bold) is complete crap

Of course people lie, but you're more likely to get to the point, find out why, talk it out...together. Not on your own, hiding under the stairs with your partners phone and going over the million scenarios why she has an email from some guy at work saying "was good to catch up today"


----------



## BetrayedDad

Nucking Futs said:


> No, he's a remorseless cheater that wants his wife to just get over it. He's got a problem with the whole reading the messages thing because he's just been busted messaging a new hottie.


Makes sense why this guy is pushing the whole "it's okay to hide messages from your spouse" nonsense.

Thanks for the insight.


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## allez

BetrayedDad said:


> Makes sense why this guy is pushing the whole "it's okay to hide things from your spouse."
> 
> Thanks for the insight.


Feel free to jump on the bandwagon.

You've quoted someone in your post...who said that? I know it wasn't me.


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## BetrayedDad

allez said:


> Feel free to jump on the bandwagon.
> 
> You've quoted someone in your post...who said that? I know it wasn't me.


That's the only conclusion one can draw from this sad statement.



allez said:


> Or she could be deleting them because they're none of his business, and is pissed off at them being read.
> 
> Why do so many people believe that being married, or being in a relationship, means that you have the right to read through someone's messages or emails?


If they are "none of my business" then it's okay for my spouse to hide or keep things from me either innocent or otherwise.


----------



## AtMyEnd

BetrayedDad said:


> If they are "none of my business" then it's okay for my spouse to hide or keep things from me either innocent or otherwise.


But who says she's hiding anything? Ok, so she deletes some texts, that doesn't mean she's hiding anything. It could be that she knows he looks at her phone, and if he saw a text that was flirty or whatever, that he'd get pissed and blow up, even though she didn't solicit the text or flirt back. Just because another man sends a woman a flirty text doesn't mean she is accepting of it, men are dogs plain and simple, some more than others.


----------



## allez

BetrayedDad said:


> That's the only conclusion one can draw from this sad statement.
> 
> 
> 
> If they are "none of my business" then it's okay for my spouse to hide or keep things from me either innocent or otherwise.


I've got an inbox full of emails at work right now, I've not showed them to, or told my wife about them, but I'm not hiding them either. They're just none of her business. The same applies to my group chats on whatssap. They're my conversations. I'm not hiding them, they're just not for her, they're for me. The same applies the other way around, she's not hiding things from me, but I don't know what's being said in her emails or messages.


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## BetrayedDad

AtMyEnd said:


> But who says she's hiding anything? Ok, so she deletes some texts, that doesn't mean she's hiding anything. It could be that she knows he looks at her phone, and if he saw a text that was flirty or whatever, that he'd get pissed and blow up, even though she didn't solicit the text or flirt back. Just because another man sends a woman a flirty text doesn't mean she is accepting of it, men are dogs plain and simple, some more than others.





allez said:


> I've got an inbox full of emails at work right now, I've not showed them to, or told my wife about them, but I'm not hiding them either. They're just none of her business. The same applies to my group chats on whatssap. They're my conversations. I'm not hiding them, they're just not for her, they're for me. The same applies the other way around, she's not hiding things from me, but I don't know what's being said in her emails or messages.


If you both say so.... I fundamentally disagree.

I don't want to derail OP's thread anymore.


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## farsidejunky

Speaking as a Moderator:

Debating levels of transparency is a thread jack. Any further discussion about it will result in 3 day time out.

If you want to debate transparency, start a new thread.

Now back to the OP.


----------



## SunCMars

allez said:


> If you have a gut feeling (I actually hate that phrase, it means nothing, there's no such thing as psychic, so a gut feeling is absolutely nothing but in your head) about something then speak to your partner about it. If you want to know about what's going on with them, then speak to them, ask them. Communication is clearly the way to go.


Gut feeling is crap?

OP has lived with this women for a stated ten years. 

When you are that close to someone you read their body language almost perfectly, every time.

That is.....if you are paying attention. OP is paying attention. Gut feeling is paying attention to every innuendo and action/reaction of your life partner. Listening to her words, watching her behavior in everyday things, in the bedroom....looking for changes. Unusual changes. That is the gut feeling. Not being psychic. Being intuitive....oh yeah! 

Her mouth is not communicating this fear in OP. Yes, that is what we would want to happen; for her to express her innermost feelings. And to answer OP's direct questions without lying or minimizing or using DARVO tactics.

But he is not ready to confront her yet. Why? If she is guilty of serious infidelity she will likely deny. He wants more proof. I believe that he will not have much longer to wait if he digs a little further.

Those two working close together in an office environment and driving together to clients is a chilling thought for any loving spouse. She has put herself in the crosshairs of a horndog. He can lay his gooey schtick on her everyday. Shmooze every one of her fears away. Lull her wifely boundaries to sleep. 

If she is not guilty of anything serious, other than sending happy emojis, she is "at minimum" encouraging the POSOM to continue his grooming of her. She is getting ego kibbles out of this.

Yes, she may be using him to advance her career, her knowledge of the trade, get her certifications, gain more clients, etc. She may not have one tingly feeling for the ass-hat. 

But acting thus, she is cheating by her actions, irregardless if her heart is not really in it. 

If she were a Gold Digger and an Ice Cube, then one could say that she is playing him. She will continue to pull his sensual chain and dangle a promise of "more" to keep up his interest and support.

I believe that she is not this person. She is indeed, emotionally attracted to this POSOM who is actively spraying her with his loin driven stink.

Is there danger here? Dunno. I know the potential is present. The voltage is building...as static electricity does. When it reaches arc level, it flashes over.....the discharge burns up the marriage.


----------



## Emerging Buddhist

Sadly, one of my administrative duties it to investigate anything electronic HR tasks me with... too often it is boundary issues, and often brought up by a concerned spouse. I have to sit in the meetings as I have to sign my name to the data extracted and presented and answer technical questions real-time, obviously I have a vested interest in it's accuracy.

This is how my company communicates to the interviewed...

•Company business on personal messaging ends, period. Any further action along these lines is dismissal as the company cannot afford any potential loss of control of it's data.

•All electronic company information will be exchanged through the approved company email systems or servers. Either cloud solution is fine, but this is the only way information will be exchanged.

•Personal cell phone will block all company phone numbers for messaging, including personal cell phones approved for use in business. If you need to be working, it will be through the company approved messaging utility tied to cloud archiving.

•All PRR requests include personal cell phones, data-wiping during an investigation will be considered an act of obstruction and will result in termination.

•Inappropriate relationships are determined "inappropriate" by the company, not the individuals.

•The concerned spouse will always be listened to, given an honest review, and perception of behaviors investigated as the company is reflected by the actions of it's staff (this is often contested by the spouse complained against).

Reflecting back, out of investigations like this I have had full-blown affairs, some that would be considered EA, others that were inappropriate banter (flirting), and the rest were spouses looking for reasons their marriage had problems or failing and blamed the workplace first.

So OP, here are some boundaries that you can cherry-pick and adjust to put into place. Refine them to your personal application, I think they are reasonable and if your wife balks at them, she either isn't listening to you or chooses not to listen to you... either is not a good place.


----------



## mickybill

Beyond the BTDT support and sounding board aspects of TAM, an amazing thing about these forums is a post like Emerging Buddhist. In a few paragraphs we learned the companies side of dealing with affairs.

Thanks for the info and the stats about the workplace affairs, which hits home for me.


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## BioFury

In what world does someone allow their wife to be home alone with a male friend? You're mad about the door being locked, when you should be mad about him even being there to begin with.

And, your wife told you and your concerns are stupid? Disrespectful, and demonstrates how highly she regards your feelings.


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## Jessica38

allez said:


> AtMyEnd said:
> 
> 
> 
> If she knows that you periodically look at her phone, she may be deleting the texts because she doesn't want you to get upset over something that means nothing
> .
> 
> 
> 
> Or she could be deleting them because they're none of his business, and is pissed off at them being read.
> 
> Why do so many people believe that being married, or being in a relationship, means that you have the right to read through someone's messages or emails? If you have a gut feeling (I actually hate that phrase, it means nothing, there's no such thing as psychic, so a gut feeling is absolutely nothing but in your head) about something then speak to your partner about it. If you want to know about what's going on with them, then speak to them, ask them. Communication is clearly the way to go.
Click to expand...

Because spouses have a right to know what's going on in their own marriage. Full transparency includes intel on how the other person spends their day, who they are talking with, texting, emailing. Spouses have a right to this info and any info on shared property, including devices.

This is for the mental health and safety of a spouse who could be the unknowing recipient of a sexually transmitted infection, financial ruin, etc. Spouses who are open and honest have absolutely nothing to hide.


----------



## AtMyEnd

Jessica38 said:


> Because spouses have a right to know what's going on in their own marriage. Full transparency includes intel on how the other person spends their day, who they are talking with, texting, emailing. Spouses have a right to this info and any info on shared property, including devices.
> 
> This is for the mental health and safety of a spouse who could be the unknowing recipient of a sexually transmitted infection, financial ruin, etc. Spouses who are open and honest have absolutely nothing to hide.


Honestly, if you feel the need to know who your spouse talks to, texts with, emails with, and how they spend every minute of their day, I think it's you who needs a mental health check. To feel the need to always know this information is nothing more than paranoia and a complete lack of trust in your relationship. Just because a spouse communicates with a person of the opposite sex, whether it's work related or a friend, it does not mean they're cheating or thinking of cheating. Even if that person of the opposite sex flirts with your spouse, it is not a sign of an affair or a possible affair. If you cannot trust your partner to have a normal relationship with a person of the opposite sex with feeling the need to know who and what was talked about, you shouldn't be with that person to begin with.


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## Jessica38

Unfortunately, many betrayed spouses are shocked to find out that their partners are not forthcoming in this info, and often go to great lengths to conceal it. Just look at all the betrayed spouse posts on TAM.


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## Nucking Futs

BioFury said:


> In what world does someone allow their wife to be home alone with a male friend? You're mad about the door being locked, when you should be mad about him even being there to begin with.
> 
> And, your wife told you and your concerns are stupid? Disrespectful, and demonstrates how highly she regards your feelings.


I think you're in the wrong thread.


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## phillybeffandswiss

allez said:


> I've got an inbox full of emails at work right now, I've not showed them to, or told my wife about them, but I'm not hiding them either. They're just none of her business. The same applies to my group chats on whatssap. They're my conversations. I'm not hiding them, they're just not for her, they're for me. The same applies the other way around, she's not hiding things from me, but I don't know what's being said in her emails or messages.


This is called false equivocation.


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## BioFury

Nucking Futs said:


> I think you're in the wrong thread.


I think you're right, lol. Sorry! :grin2:


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## The Middleman

Worriedindividual said:


> Thank you all for your posts. It good to hear that I'm not just crazy. That said, it doesn't feel that good though.


So, what are you going to do about it? I know I'm the kind of guy who would take my wife's phone and respond to one of the text messages by saying something like "**** off douche nozzle", just to send both of them a meesage. You can't just do nothing.


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## Worriedindividual

Well for an update. We both stayed home today to talk. I explained again my original concerns. Told her I had a gut feeling not to trust him and told her that I have been watching his texts. I do know my wife is very nieve about this stuff and told her I obviously noticed she had deleted texts. She at first lied about why she did, but did also tell me she never noticed or felt any of his texts were inappropriate until the passed couple days. The 1 I had seen about "glad he can satisfy her needs". And later told me she deleted the others because he messaged that " he was glad to see her and felt like a 14yr old boy with a crush". She said she was completely shocked and taken back by that and knew if I saw that I would be mad. And of course I am. Extremely mad most of all she didn't tell me that right away. I told her she can't work with this DB anymore. She met with the CEO who she confides in and told him about this. We setup and went to our first marrage counseling appointment tonight. I truely believe her that there has never been anything physical at all. I believe she has horrible judgement and has failed miserable to notice the early signs and put a stop to them. She now has to confront him and tell him this in unacceptable. I'm sure some will be confident I am the one who is nieve here and should not believe her. With that said you have to know my wife.


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## mickybill

That is very good news Worried, and it maybe you have learned all there was. 
But as many around here will attest, sometimes there is more there, there. Keep an eye out for any indications that there was more than you have found out in the last few days...is your wife as naive as you feel? You mentioned that she lied when you first asked her about the texts.

Good luck, hope it all works out for the two of you.


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## Worriedindividual

Yes, I have always known that. The only reason that she has come to terms with what was going on, was other outsiders to hear of this to convince her of that. After his last couple inappropriate texts also helped that though. She knows she made things much much worse by lying about it.


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## Worriedindividual

Our counselor today told her that he without a doubt has another agenda, and this was sexual harassment clean cut.


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## eric1

It's good news that you nailed this early. The thought process that had her delete the text yet also continue to talk to him is the same process that happens after the first date, then kiss, then...


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## allez

Worriedindividual said:


> Well for an update. We both stayed home today to talk. I explained again my original concerns. Told her I had a gut feeling not to trust him and told her that I have been watching his texts. I do know my wife is very nieve about this stuff and told her I obviously noticed she had deleted texts. She at first lied about why she did, but did also tell me she never noticed or felt any of his texts were inappropriate until the passed couple days. The 1 I had seen about "glad he can satisfy her needs". And later told me she deleted the others because he messaged that " he was glad to see her and felt like a 14yr old boy with a crush". She said she was completely shocked and taken back by that and knew if I saw that I would be mad. And of course I am. Extremely mad most of all she didn't tell me that right away. I told her she can't work with this DB anymore. She met with the CEO who she confides in and told him about this. We setup and went to our first marrage counseling appointment tonight. I truely believe her that there has never been anything physical at all. I believe she has horrible judgement and has failed miserable to notice the early signs and put a stop to them. She now has to confront him and tell him this in unacceptable. I'm sure some will be confident I am the one who is nieve here and should not believe her. With that said you have to know my wife.


Glad to hear this. Talking with your partner is definitely the best way to deal with problems.


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## Satya

Buy her a copy of "Not Just Friends" by the late Dr. Shirley Glass and have her read it. Tonight. It's on Kindle. 

Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


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## manwithnoname

I certainly hope she's not working with this douche anymore?


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## Ralph Bellamy

Worriedindividual said:


> Well for an update. We both stayed home today to talk. I explained again my original concerns. Told her I had a gut feeling not to trust him and told her that I have been watching his texts. I do know my wife is very nieve about this stuff and told her I obviously noticed she had deleted texts. She at first lied about why she did, but did also tell me she never noticed or felt any of his texts were inappropriate until the passed couple days. The 1 I had seen about "glad he can satisfy her needs". And later told me she deleted the others because he messaged that " he was glad to see her and felt like a 14yr old boy with a crush". She said she was completely shocked and taken back by that and knew if I saw that I would be mad. And of course I am. Extremely mad most of all she didn't tell me that right away. I told her she can't work with this DB anymore. She met with the CEO who she confides in and told him about this. We setup and went to our first marrage counseling appointment tonight. I truely believe her that there has never been anything physical at all. I believe she has horrible judgement and has failed miserable to notice the early signs and put a stop to them. She now has to confront him and tell him this in unacceptable. I'm sure some will be confident I am the one who is nieve here and should not believe her. With that said you have to know my wife.


I got the same song and dance from my ex. 8 months later I found out she cheating with her co-worker. If she's feeling the "butterflies" of new relationship endorphins, it will be VERY hard for her to stop.


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## Jessica38

Your wife still needs to learn appropriate boundaries. There is nothing naive about her behavior. She knew you'd be upset because the guy's texts were inappropriate. She was fully aware of that fact so she deleted the texts and did not tell you. I also highly recommend your wife learn appropriate boundaries for the future. That's probably more important for the success of your marriage than MC.


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## Worriedindividual

I would highly agree. She understands that as well. This whole situation in my opinion has been based on bad communication "both our faults", and a high disregard of my feelings. We definitely should have gone to counseling long ago to help us. She definitely needs to have a better understanding of her boundaries. On the bright side, I don't believe I have felt this optimistic of our future before.


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## Vinnydee

As someone who has been that co-worker in my younger days. I always got the girl in the end. First give her someone to sympathize with her and tell her she is right no matter what. Then she becomes emotionally attached, we flirt and have a drink after work and get a hotel room and have sex until we cannot walk anymore. Then a business trip together, whether real or not. 

I have had a fiancee and girlfriend cheat on me with one of my best friends. I have had sex with my friends wives and girlfriends. When it comes to sex, all bets are off. I do not trust anyone when it comes to male/female friendship. There is no such thing. Men are genetically engineered to view women as potential mates. That is just the way it is like it or not. Look at shows like the bachelor to see how women will fight for a man they just met because it is a genetic thing for them too.

Take a quick peek at this article. My wife and I have not lived a traditional monogamous marriage. I am not trying to bring you over to the dark side. Just like to make people aware of that sometimes living your marriage outside of the box works. We already know that inside the box our chances of divorcing are 50/50. We are married for 44 wonderful years by coloring outside of the lines. So have a lot of other married couples that most never get to meet.

https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-25823/how-an-extramarital-affair-could-save-your-marriage.html


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## Jessica38

Worriedindividual said:


> I would highly agree. She understands that as well. This whole situation in my opinion has been based on bad communication "both our faults", and a high disregard of my feelings. We definitely should have gone to counseling long ago to help us. She definitely needs to have a better understanding of her boundaries. On the bright side, I don't believe I have felt this optimistic of our future before.


That's huge, good for you for working this out with her.


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## ReidWright

>he was glad to see her and felt like a 14yr old boy with a crush". She said she was completely shocked and taken back by that and knew if I saw that I would be mad

I'd still do the undelete program...what was her exact reply to him?


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## straightshooter

Worriedindividual said:


> I would highly agree. She understands that as well. This whole situation in my opinion has been based on bad communication "both our faults", and a high disregard of my feelings. We definitely should have gone to counseling long ago to help us. She definitely needs to have a better understanding of her boundaries. On the bright side, I don't believe I have felt this optimistic of our future before.


Worried

There is an old saying here, actually two

(1)* actions over words*- she says she understands. her actions are what counts
(2) * trust but verify*- your wife has been in an emotional affair with a co worker. The hardest to detect and stop. Playing ostrich and thinking that this conversation simply makes it all go away is not the correct approach. Transparency on her end is necessary.

And lastly, communication is important but the problem here is YOUR WIFE'S BOUNDARIES , not your communication. She allowed them to be crossed.

Everyone who has responded i am sure hopes you have nipped this before it became marriage threatening. But those same people know how many times it just goes further underground and continues. You have good signs but do not think you are totally out of the woods.


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## TRy

Worriedindividual said:


> I have always been the bread winner but with her new position she will eventually be making much more than I.





Worriedindividual said:


> Believe me, money is not my priority but it is hers. A happy marriage and close bond to me is all I need.


 When she starts making more money than you, she will start viewing herself as the breadwinner instead of you. This may be a relationship change that will impact your marriage. The other man (OM) giving her business, means that he already makes more money than you. With her viewing money as her "priority", she probably views the OM making more money as an attractive feature that the OM had over you, which is why she consciously or unconsciously enjoyed the OM's inappropriate attention. Please also remember that since your wife worked so closely with the OM, for every inappropriate text message that she responded to with a smiley faces, there were many more in person inappropriate comments that she smiled back to him in person. This may not be over. After a short break, she may take this underground, while telling herself that it is just harmless flirting that you do not like because you are insecure due to the fact that the OM is more successful. By the time that she realizes where this will take her, it may be too late as she may decide that this is where she wants to go with the OM. If you read threads in the infidelity section, you will see that many affairs have such moments where the spouse though that they had put a stop the relationship early, only to later learn that it went underground. The mutual attraction is still there, so again this may not be over. 

BTW, in the infidelity section, you will see that the cheater almost always claims to be naive as to the intentions of the OM, and that their spouse almost always buy into this.


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## Yeswecan

Worriedindividual said:


> Well for an update. We both stayed home today to talk. I explained again my original concerns. Told her I had a gut feeling not to trust him and told her that I have been watching his texts. I do know my wife is very nieve about this stuff and told her I obviously noticed she had deleted texts. She at first lied about why she did, but did also tell me she never noticed or felt any of his texts were inappropriate until the passed couple days. The 1 I had seen about "glad he can satisfy her needs". And later told me she deleted the others because he messaged that " he was glad to see her and felt like a 14yr old boy with a crush". She said she was completely shocked and taken back by that and knew if I saw that I would be mad. And of course I am. Extremely mad most of all she didn't tell me that right away. I told her she can't work with this DB anymore. She met with the CEO who she confides in and told him about this. We setup and went to our first marrage counseling appointment tonight. I truely believe her that there has never been anything physical at all. I believe she has horrible judgement and has failed miserable to notice the early signs and put a stop to them. She now has to confront him and tell him this in unacceptable. I'm sure some will be confident I am the one who is nieve here and should not believe her. With that said you have to know my wife.



Sounds like a lot was accomplished. Good for you sir! No better time than "Not Just Friends" Glass to drive the point home concerning OM and the intentions. It appears your W sees his intentions. Perhaps your W just did not know how to handle OM and his seemingly boyish advances hence the stupid smile emoji. 

Keep on posting here. Good luck!


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## Yeswecan

Worriedindividual said:


> I would highly agree. She understands that as well. This whole situation in my opinion has been based on bad communication "both our faults", and a high disregard of my feelings. We definitely should have gone to counseling long ago to help us. She definitely needs to have a better understanding of her boundaries. On the bright side, I don't believe I have felt this optimistic of our future before.


You want to keep the optimism going? Date your W like you did before marriage. Start this weekend. :wink2:


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