# Second marriage in trouble



## secondchance (Sep 2, 2011)

Hi everyone. I really need someone to talk to and some advice, opinions or support.

I have been married (second time) for 11 years now.
I was so pleased to get a second chance at marriage that I determined to make it the very best marriage I could.

Looking back I think that I was so determined to have a perfect marriage that I blinded myself to problems and tolerated alot more than I should have.

We were both lonely and desperate for another shot at marriage when we met - probably not a very good reason to marry!

Not too long into the marriage I discovered he was an alcoholic and addict. This in itself is not an easy thing to deal with and I think I still hold on to alot of hurt and resentment due to his binges. He has managed to overcome his addictions and has been clean for three years now.

But now the personality problems that I put down to the addictions are still there and in fact much worse.
Since I can't talk to anyone about this I sometimes wonder if I'm over-reacting, whether I should be more tolerant or whether I've been TOO tolerant......

He has these mood swings where he can suddenly go into a "sulk" and not talk to me for as long as 10 days. During these periods he looks at me as though he hates me and if I try to talk to him he will only reply very grudgingly in one-word answers. Sometimes it's due to a disagreement we've had and sometimes it just happens out of the blue and when I ask him what's wrong he'll say it's because I'm not a good wife, not loving enough or he's unhappy in our marriage.

I've tried to talk to him and we even tried going for marriage counselling but somehow it doesn't help much.

I don't know how to behave when he goes into these "moods" and lately I have begun to behave exactly like him - not talking and ignoring him. But I feel wrong as this isn't how I would normally cope with a problem and I'm not a sulker. But I honestly don't know how else to deal with it anymore. 

Normally I become so desperate for life to go back to normality that I sweet talk him, say I'm sorry and try to ease him out of the sulk. But now I'm thinking that maybe I shouldn't be doing this as he probably think that this means it's ok for him to behave this way. I need him to know that it's unacceptable behaviour. In fact I consider this to be abuse on an emotional level as it's really stressing me and I'm becoming physically ill because of it.

Does anyone out there have any views on this situation. Your advice and support would be so welcome.

Thankyou


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## secondchance (Sep 2, 2011)

ummm thanks but I sort of hoped for a bit more than that!


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

It's said that an addict who acts like a a$$ is often a clean and sober a$$ when they stop using. You didn't mention if your H goes to AA, counseling, or does any sort of step work. If not, you have what is referred to as a "dry drunk" on your hands. All the same old problems are never examined or resolved; thus, the problems are still there, rearing their ugly heads.

My ex is an alcoholic who doesn't work a program, as far as I know, but he does go to a group counseling session weekly. Maybe it's helping him. The thing is, in hindsight, he married me because he just wanted another shot at marriage. At least he thought he did when we first got married. I soon found out that was wrong. Too much baggage, too many unresolved issues from the first marriage, etc.

I, too, got the no-speak, moody treatment a lot. After putting up with that for several years, I found that I just checked out, steered clear of him, and rarely spoke. It was just a few years after that when I walked out for good.

Only you can decide if you want to stay or leave. Would he be willing to try MC? My ex and I went to about five sessions, but when the counselor said we would have to address the drinking issue, suddenly my H wasn't available to meet. Enough said about counseling; I continued to go alone.

I understand what you mean when you say this behavior is unacceptable and actually making you ill. Stress will do that, and you are in a stressful situation. 

It's not fun to be a two-time loser (I'm one myself), but I discovered I'd rather live alone and struggle than live alone in a marriage that was a whole lot less than what a marriage should be.


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## secondchance (Sep 2, 2011)

Thankyou Prodigal. I had no idea about this term "dry drunk". I've had no contact with other alcoholics or their families so know very little about the condition other than what I went through with my husband. He refused to go for any help and eventually just did it on his own - stopped the alcohol, the dope and even the cigarettes. So he feels he's completely clean and doesn't need any help.

Interesting to hear that you went through the same silent treatment with your ex. Do you think it's related to the whole condition?

We don't have a great marriage overall anyway, although when he's out of his moods he's a very nice person indeed. But our marriage is more like two friends or siblings. I moved out of the bedroom years ago because of the snoring. As a result there's no spontaneous love-making. 
Sex is something we have to plan for and it very seldom happens. He doesn't make a move very often and I don't even want to. 

I think that everytime we go through one of these episodes it just grates away at whatever love there is left inside of me for him. I just can't forgive or forget anymore.

We own a business together and I suppose that stops either of us from leaving. I think I'm just staying because I don't want to be alone and yet he makes me so misserable! Crazy isn't it?

Marriage counselling? We tried it once before and it didn't really help much but I would be willing to try again. I'll ask him when he starts speaking to me again.

Thanks for your support. It helps to know that I'm not over-reacting and that I shouldn't tolerate this behaviour.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Your issue is very near and dear to me. I was married to a sulker. It was hearrtwrenching. No words can possibly describe how little it makes you feel when you're on the receiving end of habitual silent treaments and stonewalling. It makes you feel ostracized. And insignificant. And if done in a pattern...it IS emotional abuse! Google'silent treatment and emotional abuse.' My advice is to stop apologizing or being kind to him when he's doing this to you just to break the ice. He's gotten used to you placating hi. You need to tell him how this makes you feel and that its having a detrimental effect on your marriage. Set up a marriage counsel. Session and go. Make it clear to him that his behavior is destructive. My exH did not have substance abuse probs and did this all the time so its not an addict thing. Its a personality thing. Do you know why. His first marriage ended? Was it due to sulking? He will either realize how bad this is and commit to stop blanking you or he will keep it up. Then you can decide how to proceed. In my marriage it got worse over time. He hadn't spoken to me in about a month and a half the day I moved out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## secondchance (Sep 2, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Your issue is very near and dear to me. I was married to a sulker. It was hearrtwrenching. No words can possibly describe how little it makes you feel when you're on the receiving end of habitual silent treaments and stonewalling. It makes you feel ostracized. And insignificant. And if done in a pattern...it IS emotional abuse! Google'silent treatment and emotional abuse.' My advice is to stop apologizing or being kind to him when he's doing this to you just to break the ice. He's gotten used to you placating hi. You need to tell him how this makes you feel and that its having a detrimental effect on your marriage. Set up a marriage counsel. Session and go. Make it clear to him that his behavior is destructive. My exH did not have substance abuse probs and did this all the time so its not an addict thing. Its a personality thing. Do you know why. His first marriage ended? Was it due to sulking? He will either realize how bad this is and commit to stop blanking you or he will keep it up. Then you can decide how to proceed. In my marriage it got worse over time. He hadn't spoken to me in about a month and a half the day I moved out.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thankyou! I will see if I can arrange for some counselling. In this country one has to go private which is very expensive and that's why I haven't gone that route. I can see though that my husband needs someone else to tell him that what he's doing is emotional abuse. I feel that he might as well be beating me - it hurts just as much.

I don't actually know why his first marriage broke up - She left him and he just blamed her - said she was a cheat etc. But I realise there's always two sides to a story.

A month and a half? Phew! that's a long time to bear that. At the moment it's been just a week for me but it's almost unbearable. I desperately want to make things right just so I don't have to go through another day of it. 

Thanks for the advice. I won't apologise this time. Today I told him that since he'd started this he would have to finish it as I'm not doing it this time. (No comment from him!)

The stress makes me so ill, my stomach hurts and I end up vomiting and crying each evening just from the sheer frustration of it all.

It's so good to be able to tell someone especially someone who's gone through it.

Thankyou


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

secondchance said:


> He refused to go for any help and eventually just did it on his own - stopped the alcohol, the dope and even the cigarettes. So he feels he's completely clean and doesn't need any help.


It's his right to choose not to work a program. So, it boils down to what-you-see-is-what-you-get. Frequently, his sullen moods have absolutely nothing to do with you, just as his decision to drink or drug had nothing to do with you. Yeah, I know, he probably blamed you for everything and anything while he was under the influence. 

The thing is, he owns the addiction and his choice of behaviors. The times when he's in a bad mood probably has to do with resentments. We all have them, but addicts tend to have them and keep them held in. He might resent the fact that he wants a drink but can't have one, wants a smoke but can't have one. You're not a mind reader, so it could be any number of things that put him in a bad mood.



secondchance said:


> I think I'm just staying because I don't want to be alone and yet he makes me so misserable! Crazy isn't it?


Actually, no. We get used to living with it. It's like the frog who gets dumped into a pot of water. The heat under the pot is slowly turned up, and eventually the water is boiling hot and the frog (now dead) never realized what hit him! 

I remember someone saying in an Al-Anon meeting that her alkie husband was driving her nuts. After the meeting, we were standing around chatting, and one lady said, "Nobody can drive you nuts unless you give them permission to do so." Another chimed in, "When the pain of staying exceeds the pain of leaving, you will leave." I live alone, and it's a good type of alone. I'd rather be alone with myself than alone with an active addict or one not working a serious program of recovery. Being alone in a marriage stinks. JMO.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I want to type you so much more but and on my fone. You really need to explain to his how this is making you feel. Its awful. Most abusers don't think they're abusive because they don't own it and don't see anything wrong with what they're doing. Its very telling he blamed his first divorce all on his exwife. Does he ever own bad bahvior? I know how hurt you feel due to this. Its maddening! People who haven't lived with. Thiss cannot fathom how it makes you feel and what it does to you. Its nuts! Talk to him today and say 'we need to talk' and lay it out. Does he get angry for no reason? Blames bad behavior on you? Does he admit to being wrong? Does he ever apologize? The look of contempt he gives you...I shudder.I remember all to well. There were days I didn't want to come home from work because my house was. Just silent. And just like your hubby mine would turn it on and off without warning.makes you feel like a ghost in your own home. A shell of yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Do you have kids?
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