# Sex is going South



## ghoward (Nov 22, 2016)

I have an issue I would like to discuss and get some advice on. My wife and I have been happily married for almost 16 years and sex has always been great. We were having sex 2 to 3 times a week and this was so even after having children. About 4 years ago My wife joined Weight Watchers and started walking. She lost a good bit of weight and has been maintaining. Now she runs and works out at the YMCA daily which she has been doing for about 1 1/2 years. About 2 years ago our sex life started slowing down which I can adjust and did for a while. Now it's to the point where it would not be if I didn't push the issue. She says she is tired all the time and to be fair she is a stay home mom. She works out daily plus taking care of the house hold. Now it has got to the point where we have what I call mad sex being that she looks pissed off every time we have sex which now is once a week or so if I'm lucky. When I get home from work I can't even get a hug. I can't even get her to touch me non sexually. When sex is not mentioned we get along great just like a married couple should be but if I mention sex or try something or even try to hold her hand she acts like a different person. I have tried to talk to her and she says there is nothing wrong. I'm an affectionate guy and she says I'm overly affectionate so I have been holding back but it doesn't seem to be getting any better. I love my wife and I don't want to loose her. I would like to work things out because I am not going to cheat on her that is not an option. I guess if she doesn't want to have sex with me I'll just have to learn how to deal with it. If I can't get her to open up to me what should I do? It has been very frustrating and I don't want to argue all the time about it.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

You hear about this stuff happening all the time.

An overweight man or woman decides to lose weight and get into shape and gets serious about keeping toned, etc., and suddenly, they're getting attention from the opposite sex that they never got before.

And it goes RIGHT to their head.

If it were just the sex slowing down, I might be inclined to think that she's just wearing herself out during her workouts and she's legitimately tired. But treating you like you're Typhoid Mary and refusing to show you ANY emotion or affection at *all* is a huge, glaring red flag.

Changes this significant don't just happen for nothing.

If I were you, I'd start doing a little recon work and quietly start looking through her phone and her computer, maybe look through your cell phone bill to see if there's a recurring number she's calling or texting that you're unfamiliar with, look through her gym bag and in her car because this is honestly so cliche it isn't even funny.

Yeah, it sucks to have to play detective, I get it. Yeah, it sucks to have to spy on your own wife, I get it.

Here's the alternative. You foolishly sit her down and tell her you have suspicions that maybe her attentions are going elsewhere and ask her for the truth (personally, you probably have a better chance of shaking hands with Jesus than you do of getting the truth just because you ASKED for it). 

Guess what that will accomplish?

Giving her a big old heads up that you're suspicious which will make her get sneaker and more deceitful in order to hide things from you, and it will just make it *THAT* much harder for you to eventually get to the truth.

So *don't* do that. 

Just do your digging quietly and don't tell her you're suspicious. But unfortunately, I think that's what's going on.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

I agree. First thought is she is cheating. 

Screw the "i will learn to live without sex" attitude. That won't work. If she was ill, yes. Just unwilling, no. 

She is not too tired for sex. She doesn't want sex With You. 

That she says you are overly affectionate is a huge red flag.

Btw, she is not too tired to run and work out daily. Quit making excuses for her.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

ghoward said:


> I have an issue I would like to discuss and get some advice on. My wife and I have been happily married for almost 16 years and sex has always been great. We were having sex 2 to 3 times a week and this was so even after having children. About 4 years ago My wife joined Weight Watchers and started walking. She lost a good bit of weight and has been maintaining. Now she runs and works out at the YMCA daily which she has been doing for about 1 1/2 years. About 2 years ago our sex life started slowing down which I can adjust and did for a while. Now it's to the point where it would not be if I didn't push the issue. She says she is tired all the time and to be fair she is a stay home mom. She works out daily plus taking care of the house hold. Now it has got to the point where we have what I call mad sex being that she looks pissed off every time we have sex which now is once a week or so if I'm lucky. When I get home from work I can't even get a hug. I can't even get her to touch me non sexually. When sex is not mentioned we get along great just like a married couple should be but if I mention sex or try something or even try to hold her hand she acts like a different person. I have tried to talk to her and she says there is nothing wrong. I'm an affectionate guy and she says I'm overly affectionate so I have been holding back but it doesn't seem to be getting any better. I love my wife and I don't want to loose her. I would like to work things out because I am not going to cheat on her that is not an option. I guess if she doesn't want to have sex with me I'll just have to learn how to deal with it. If I can't get her to open up to me what should I do? It has been very frustrating and I don't want to argue all the time about it.
> 
> Simple logic would dictate that if she is proud of the "new her," that she would be absolutely breaking her back to share that with you! Given that her reaction is the diametrical opposite of that, she is either repulsed by her weight loss, or conversely is so enamored by it that perhaps there might be some other "attractive" male that she wants to effectively share that with!


*These observations are duly noted: 
(1) Before attending WW, the marital sex as well as the relationship was great!
(2) As the pounds fell off, the marital relationship continued it's expected normalcy, but the sexual aspects seemingly have gone "South!"

In the absence of any negative health or pressing psychological issues, I would not guess that she is, in any way, distressed by or disgusted with her "new look" regimen, but still gets "turned-off" and pi$$ed whenever you make subtle moves on her to engage in sex!

Or it's the feared situation that she loves those results so much that she wants to share them with someone whose attractivity quotient is now greater than that of yours!

I'd say that, at a minimum, marriage and/or sexual counseling is an imperative move! A wife just doesn't "diss" her mate without, at least, some innate form of probable cause!

Some due investigation is seriously needed along with perhaps a sobering "Come to Jesus" meeting!*


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Anon Pink said:


> Logic error:
> Favorite has little to do with availability, outside of being flooded daily with the favorite and even then the favorite might continue to be a favorite.
> 
> Bad idea: A man not attend to his wife's pleasure.
> ...


I see what @badsanta is trying to say, and I didn't think it was that bad an idea. He was suggesting OP talk to his wife and ASK if she wants him to keep trying to give her O's. I read it this way: it could reduce any pressure she may have in this regard.

That, of course, turns it into duty sex for the time being, but that doesn't seem too far off from what she's currently doing, any way. Just removes the pressure on her part.

Interestingly enough, this (sort of) approach worked (sort of) on my ex wife. As I noted above, OP's wife's behavior mirrored my ex wife's to a T (weight loss, gym, major change in attitude, etc.)

In my case, however, I did not _ask_ if I should continue to attempt to please her during sex - instead, I read the cues myself and acted accordingly. If she was clearly not into it, and it was clearly duty sex, and she clearly wanted it over with quickly - then wish granted. It got to the point where every 3rd or 4th time, she _was_ into it. Then gradually she would start to initiate again.

So, what I learned from that is that a little selfishness on my part changed her view on the subject. In fact, I don't want to say "selfishness", because it wasn't, really. It was a response to her cues. She wanted it over quickly - fine, done. I didn't do it out of spite, it was just necessity.

When she realized it was one-sided on _both_ our parts, and she _wasn't_ being a martyr she changed her tune ever so slightly. But that was my ex wife's MO in many ways - to be the martyr, having something to hold over me.

Being a martyr, to her, would have been to sacrifice something and make sure I knew it was being done for my benefit, only. So in this case, it somewhat backfired on her, because I played along with her game. You'll have sex with me but want it over quickly and don't want me to pay any attention to you? Okey doke.

Eventually she realized she was missing out, and that it had no effect on me. (It did, of course, but she didn't know that).

Sucks, but that's the way the back half of our relationship was - her playing these stupid games and me having to navigate around them. I definitely wasn't always successful, but in the end, it really didn't matter.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

alexm said:


> I see what @badsanta is trying to say, and I didn't think it was that bad an idea. He was suggesting OP talk to his wife and ASK if she wants him to keep trying to give her O's. I read it this way: it could reduce any pressure she may have in this regard.


In the past (and occasionally to this day), I enjoy too much pleasing my wife by giving her O's, which in turn ramps up my libido in a very enjoyable way. It is as if I get myself excited by getting her excited. BUT once she was done and it is my turn, my "excitement" would quickly fade away as she would begin to focus her efforts on me as her levels of arousal where now spent. My wife in turn would then get really upset with me and question as to why I put so much pressure on her for us to be together when apparently I was not in the mood.

The solution is obvious now that I can look back, but it is a two-part solution:


If I go to her and initiate, then I better be ready for her to please me and allow her to enjoy that.
Instead of focusing my efforts to make her O first, things worked much better if I allow her to mostly please me and try to hold back my O until the same moment that she is ready to have hers. Then we have one together. 

That way SHE can decide very easily if it going to happen for her or not as opposed to me forcing it and then not being able to perform myself. If she does not want it to happen for her, she will tell me to just enjoy being selfish. This type of initiation works much better for both of us, but I have to know not to bother her until I reach a rather high level of desire.

Badsanta


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