# get over it..



## havenrose33 (Aug 7, 2013)

Hubby and I have had two counseling sessions. I am being told to *let it go*, that we need to move past the affair to start healing. My problem is that I still feel a great deal of pain and mistrust and I am not sure how to *let it go*. Hubby moved a thousand miles away for a new job, I remained with our daughter so that she could finish school. We were living apart of 10 months, and things were not very good when he decided to take his new job. He met a younger married woman and developed strong friendship with her. He contacted me and told me he wasn't sure how he felt about our marriage (I was not aware of the Ow) I got on a plane and proceeded to make the trip to fight for our marriage. We spent two wonderful weeks alone, reconnecting and agreed that I would move and we would try to hold onto our marriage. AFTER I left, he stepped up the relationship with her, brought her into OUR house and proceeded to try to move ahead with their affair. SHE stopped the actual intercourse, but way too much happened before she stopped it. started putting the pieces together and he came clean....with little bits of the story. I knew he was not giving me the entire story and it took a while before he told me the truth. I was so hurt that he chose to bring her into the home that I had not even had the chance to become mine, and that he betrayed me. I just don't know where to go from here. I want to move on, but I don't know how to. This is not his first affair, and the trust is just shattered...


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

How did he meet her?

Does he still see her?

How do you know he is not still in contact with her?

What has he done to restore your trust?

Does her husband know?

How did you pick this lousy marriage counselor?


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

havenrose33 said:


> Hubby and I have had two counseling sessions. I am being told to *let it go*, that we need to move past the affair to start healing. My problem is that I still feel a great deal of pain and mistrust and I am not sure how to *let it go*. Hubby moved a thousand miles away for a new job, I remained with our daughter so that she could finish school. We were living apart of 10 months, and things were not very good when he decided to take his new job. He met a younger married woman and developed strong friendship with her. He contacted me and told me he wasn't sure how he felt about our marriage (I was not aware of the Ow) I got on a plane and proceeded to make the trip to fight for our marriage. We spent two wonderful weeks alone, reconnecting and agreed that I would move and we would try to hold onto our marriage. AFTER I left, he stepped up the relationship with her, brought her into OUR house and proceeded to try to move ahead with their affair. SHE stopped the actual intercourse, but way too much happened before she stopped it. started putting the pieces together and he came clean....with little bits of the story. I knew he was not giving me the entire story and it took a while before he told me the truth. I was so hurt that he chose to bring her into the home that I had not even had the chance to become mine, and that he betrayed me. I just don't know where to go from here. I want to move on, but I don't know how to. This is not his first affair, and the trust is just shattered...


any counselor telling you to "let it go" is a bad counselor. Find a new one immediately.


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## LoveAtDaisys (Jul 3, 2013)

I hate when people use vague terms like "let it go" and "move on".

You have every right to be angry, sad, betrayed, confused, whatever you are feeling right now. That is NORMAL and healthy. Only you can decide when you are ready to "get over it" and start healing.

I think what your counselor is trying to say is that always feeling this way is counterproductive. Once you have decided you are ready to try and push past this affair and attempt R, you can't keep holding it against him and being angry. You have to make a conscious choice to let him try and change and atone for his mistakes.

It sounds to me like maybe you tried to R too early for you. I think maybe putting that on the backburner for right now and taking a week or two for you to just think and figure out where your head is might be a good idea. If you don't give yourself time to figure out what YOU want and where your head is it could lead to resentment and make R that much harder.

ETA: And find a new counselor!


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Sounds to me like he made you his second choice; sorry if that sounds harsh.

I'll tell you what I told someone else who asked the same question: *You "let go" of this when you are ready to let go, and not a minute before.* If your councilor is telling you to let it go, after a second affair, then that person is a quack. Dump him/her immediately; that's just crazy.

I have a question for you: Why are you still with him and trying to reconcile with all this pain after he did this to you twice? Is there a reason you would stay with someone who has proven more than once that he doesn't respect you or the marriage?


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Fire your counselor. 

The issue needs to be dealt with appropriately. You do not need professional help to sweep it under the rug.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

havenrose33 said:


> SHE stopped the actual intercourse


If you weren't there and they're not under constant video surveillance you don't know, you can't know if they had sex or not. Please don't take the word of a cheater, or the person who had an affair with your spouse, it's counterproductive.



havenrose33 said:


> This is not his first affair, and the trust is just shattered...


I'm sorry, he's cheated before, he's cheating now, he'll cheat again.

You can't save this, you must move on, you'll figure out how. You were ok before him, you'll be ok after. There will be pain along the way, and some big adjustments, but you'll get there and be in a better place. What's the alternative? You won't ever be able to trust him, you'll have to live your life keeping an eye on him, forever. IF he even decides he wants back in.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Given that...


havenrose33 said:


> Hubby moved a thousand miles away for a new job, I remained with our daughter so that she could finish school. We were living apart of 10 months, and things were not very good when he decided to take his new job. He met a *younger married woman* and developed strong friendship with her. He contacted me and told me *he wasn't sure how he felt about our marriage (I was not aware of the Ow)* I got on a plane and proceeded to make the trip to fight for our marriage. We spent two wonderful weeks alone, reconnecting and agreed that I would move and we would try to hold onto our marriage. *AFTER I left, he stepped up the relationship with her, brought her into OUR house and proceeded to try to move ahead with their affair. *SHE stopped the actual intercourse, but way too much happened before she stopped it. started putting the pieces together and he came clean....with little bits of the story. *I knew he was not giving me the entire story and it took a while before he told me the truth.* I was so hurt that he chose to bring her into the home that I had not even had the chance to become mine, and that he betrayed me. I just don't know where to go from here.


And that


> This is *not his first affair*, and the trust is just shattered...


and that


> Hubby and I have had *two counseling sessions. I am being told to *let it go*, that we need to move past the affair to start healing.*


 I can positively say that you must *FIRE THIS MC*. ASAP.
MC has no idea, fire her/his a$$s.
I'd skip MC altogether, the proble is not the marriage but your husband. He's the one who needs IC, reading books, getting help online... to figure out what the f0ck is wrong with him and how the hell is he going to earn your trust.

I'm sorry friend, when did you found out?
When did you get the "whole" truth?
Did you expose this affiar to her husband?
Does she works ther still?

BTW, your husband is a serial cheater... they rarely chance. Are you sure you want to remain married to this man?


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

I hope you're getting the message.

When you bring up the affair...any good counselor will tell you to take the time to heal. And will also look at him and ask "why do you feel the need to cheat".

Wow, any counselor who rugsweeps in no counselor. Well I guess they want you to continue suffering because the problems then go deeper and become worse...making you a more repeat customer.....


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

havenrose33 said:


> ... started putting the pieces together and he came clean....with little bits of the story. I knew he was not giving me the entire story and it took a while before he told me the truth. I was so hurt that he chose to bring her into the home that I had not even had the chance to become mine, and that he betrayed me. I just don't know where to go from here. I want to move on, but I don't know how to. This is not his first affair, and the trust is just shattered...


No, you don't move on.

You get the truth and then if you decide to try and salvage the marriage he will do whatever you need him to for as long as it takes to help you heal.

But let's face it, he is a betrayer. As soon as he had a clear opportunity he left you in the dirt for a wh0re. Because he could and because he just wanted to. 

My suggestion is to take 90 days totally away from him. Take some time for you and decide what you want to do. If you don't think you can trust him and love again, then sadly I recommend ending the marriage. If you think you can, then get a different counselor and I hope the best for you.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

You are saying that this is session #2 and you are told to let it go? No way, stop see that counselor.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

havenrose33 said:


> Hubby and I have had two counseling sessions. I am being told to *let it go*, that we need to move past the affair to start healing.


 Stop seeing this counselor right now. You need to get a new one. They have no right to dictate that you let it go without giving you time to heal and for the cheating spouse to earn your trust back. Real trust is earned not given. The fact that he has cheated before means that you have every right not to give him another easy pass on this.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Time to move on. Away from your husband and counsellor.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Also find the OW husband and let him know what you know - he may know a lot he can fill you in on.


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## TimesOfChange (Mar 20, 2013)

Your counselor is an idiot.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

I would fire MC right away and get into IC. Individual counseling will give you help to figure it all out and help you heal your wounds. 

MC will help heal the marriage (if both spouses are serious about it) but not with the current dip sh!t you are seeing now fire that one and ask your IC for suggestions for a new MC.


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## havenrose33 (Aug 7, 2013)

Will_Kane said:


> How did he meet her?
> 
> Does he still see her? He met her at a local pub, where he stopped after work for some dinner.
> 
> ...


 Just picked a name from our insurance companys list.


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## havenrose33 (Aug 7, 2013)

LoveAtDaisys said:


> I hate when people use vague terms like "let it go" and "move on".
> 
> You have every right to be angry, sad, betrayed, confused, whatever you are feeling right now. That is NORMAL and healthy. Only you can decide when you are ready to "get over it" and start healing.
> 
> ...


Thank you, that is part of my fear. I know I need time to heal, and at our last session I learned a few new things that now....I am supposed to not question? That just seems unfair and hampers my ability to move on. For two days I have felt closed up in shell..there has been very little conversation between hubby and I. I just don't know what to say, because I have all these mixed feelings and I feel like I can't express them.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

If this is not his first affair, I'd seriously consider moving on.

He's been down this path before and chances are very great that he will do it again in the future. I'm so very sorry.


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## havenrose33 (Aug 7, 2013)

The Middleman said:


> Sounds to me like he made you his second choice; sorry if that sounds harsh.
> 
> I'll tell you what I told someone else who asked the same question: *You "let go" of this when you are ready to let go, and not a minute before.* If your councilor is telling you to let it go, after a second affair, then that person is a quack. Dump him/her immediately; that's just crazy.
> 
> I have a question for you: Why are you still with him and trying to reconcile with all this pain after he did this to you twice? Is there a reason you would stay with someone who has proven more than once that he doesn't respect you or the marriage?


I do feel in some way he made me his second choice, because SHE dumped him. After discussions I know that he did feel our marriage was all but over, but that does not make my pain any less. To answer you questions...I am staying and trying to work on our marriage because I deeply love my husband. I believe he loves me, but I also know he has some major issues that HE needs to work on (alcoholism, and I believe he has a sexual addiction). He has very little self confidence in himself. You are correct that he has not respected our marriage, but in all honesty...neither have I. I just didn't feel the need to have an affair.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

havenrose33 said:


> Thank you, that is part of my fear. I know I need time to heal, and at our last session I learned a few new things that now....I am supposed to not question? That just seems unfair and hampers my ability to move on. For two days I have felt closed up in shell..there has been very little conversation between hubby and I. I just don't know what to say, because I have all these mixed feelings and I feel like I can't express them.


exactly what a counselor is supposed to help you do. Please find another one right away. You have been made to feel wrong for wanting to deal with how you feel. You are not wrong at all for needing to explore your emotions and to take as long as necessary to do it.


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## havenrose33 (Aug 7, 2013)

lenzi said:


> If you weren't there and they're not under constant video surveillance you don't know, you can't know if they had sex or not. Please don't take the word of a cheater, or the person who had an affair with your spouse, it's counterproductive.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I was not there, but I do believe that he is being truthful about their not being any intercourse. Not because he didn't want to...but he tried and couldn't. He has an occasional problem that some men have at that age. So...I am well aware that he would have had sex with her, if he could. He told me that.
He wants to save the marriage and has agreed to do whatever I deem necessary to stay together. I want to try, but I am very skeptical of where our future will head unless we both can change our communication with each other, and start being honest.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

HR,

One thing that a lot of BS's don't realize is, a counselor that doesn't specialize in infidelity usually does more harm than good. I know I didn't realize that - at first.

Not until the counselor I used told me the following:

"Don't you think it's possible for my wife to be in love with two people at the same time?"

"You need to look at your behaviors to find out what caused the marital issues that led to her infidelity"

That was about all I needed to hear. I instinctively fired her @ss, but TAM members confirmed that I did the right thing months later. 

I haven't used another one since because I can't find one in my area that has that specialty; and if you can't, I advice you to do the same thing.


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## havenrose33 (Aug 7, 2013)

Acabado said:


> Given that...And that and that I can positively say that you must *FIRE THIS MC*. ASAP.
> MC has no idea, fire her/his a$$s.
> I'd skip MC altogether, the proble is not the marriage but your husband. He's the one who needs IC, reading books, getting help online... to figure out what the f0ck is wrong with him and how the hell is he going to earn your trust.
> 
> ...


I found out about two months ago, I did not get the entire truth for a while. He finally came clean about a month ago. Apparently her husband knows she was seeing someone, but has no details. I have his phone number and I also went to confront her, but stopped at the door because her children were there. I emailed her, but she ignored my email. She ended it with my husband, she wants to work on HER marriage. My hubby does not work with her, but we live in the same town. I just recently moved down here, so this is a whole new area for me.


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## havenrose33 (Aug 7, 2013)

thatbpguy said:


> No, you don't move on.
> 
> You get the truth and then if you decide to try and salvage the marriage he will do whatever you need him to for as long as it takes to help you heal.
> 
> ...


I actually considered leaving him. We just moved back together after being apart for almost a year because of his new job. At this point I feel we need time together, to get to know each other again. A year apart has changed us both. If I do make the decision to leave our new home, and move back to where we spent the most of our lives.....it will be because we are divorcing.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

One other thing about most counselors and I'll get off my soap box,

They don't like to make moral judgements. They don't like to affix blame. That's how they were schooled. I don't blame them for that, but bad advice is bad advice otherwise.

But members here can help with the morality questions. I've gotten much better advice here than I ever would have by going to counselors.


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## havenrose33 (Aug 7, 2013)

badmemory said:


> HR,
> 
> One thing that a lot of BS's don't realize is, a counselor that doesn't specialize in infidelity usually does more harm than good. I know I didn't realize that - at first.
> 
> ...


Our counselor does specialize and marriage counseling. I think what she is trying to get me to do is to not dwell on the affair, next week we are going to start from the beginning of our marriage and work thru the problems we have faced. I am going to give her one more week, because I do feel she has touched on some of the things my hubby need major help with. Our marriage has had a great deal of pressure from day one of our 31 years together. I was a caretaker to my mother for 18 years, in which time...she became my primary focus (I got very little support from hubby, but then again.....I pretty much ignored our marriage for that entire span of time). My husband and our children paid the price. During this timeframe, I also had health issues, and my hubby ended up having a stroke due to stress. There are a many other issues we have allowed to impact our marriage and in our entire 31 years...we have had VERY little alone time. Since our year apart and my recent move to be with him this is all very new to us...and scary for both of us.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

havenrose33 said:


> Our counselor does specialize and marriage counseling. I think what she is trying to get me to do is to not dwell on the affair, next week we are going to start from the beginning of our marriage and work thru the problems we have faced. I am going to give her one more week, because I do feel she has touched on some of the things my hubby need major help with. Our marriage has had a great deal of pressure from day one of our 31 years together. I was a caretaker to my mother for 18 years, in which time...she became my primary focus (I got very little support from hubby, but then again.....I pretty much ignored our marriage for that entire span of time). My husband and our children paid the price. During this timeframe, I also had health issues, and my hubby ended up having a stroke due to stress.  There are a many other issues we have allowed to impact our marriage and in our entire 31 years...we have had VERY little alone time. Since our year apart and my recent move to be with him this is all very new to us...and scary for both of us.


I understand and respect what you are saying. You said the counselor said to "get over it" 
You know are saying it a bit differently. If she said you should "get over it" that is not her telling you to try and not dwell on it. That is telling you to let it go, stop bringing it up etc... that would be horrible advice from a counselor.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

havenrose33 said:


> *Our counselor does specialize and marriage counseling.* I think what she is trying to get me to do is to not dwell on the affair, next week we are going to start from the beginning of our marriage and work thru the problems we have faced. I am going to give her one more week, because I do feel she has touched on some of the things my hubby need major help with. Our marriage has had a great deal of pressure from day one of our 31 years together. I was a caretaker to my mother for 18 years, in which time...she became my primary focus (I got very little support from hubby, but then again.....I pretty much ignored our marriage for that entire span of time). My husband and our children paid the price. During this timeframe, I also had health issues, and my hubby ended up having a stroke due to stress. There are a many other issues we have allowed to impact our marriage and in our entire 31 years...we have had VERY little alone time. Since our year apart and my recent move to be with him this is all very new to us...and scary for both of us.


HR,

I'm not trying to get in a back and fourth with you about this. But keep in mind, many Marital Counselors don't "specialize" in infidelity. Just because they do MC doesn't mean they do. It's not easy to find out. Probably the best way is just by asking them - or look to see if they've offered nonsensical advice - like yours did.

A good counselor will understand that the BS has to deal with the affair *first*, before the underlying marital issues can be dealt with. That the marital issues are secondary to the BS dealing with the pain and hurt of the A. If that can happen, then the marital issues can be addressed to attempt to affair proof the marriage.

Just after an affair happens, is not the time to tell a BS that they shouldn't "dwell" on the affair. That infers rug sweeping. After a number of months down the road, that advice may be more pertinent, but not now.

Look, if you want to keep that counselor, that's your call. But at least don't let her talk you into rug sweeping this.

I wish you the best.


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

Read "Surviving An Affair" I think that's what it's called and look into the authors website.


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## havenrose33 (Aug 7, 2013)

badmemory said:


> HR,
> 
> I'm not trying to get in a back and fourth with you about this. But keep in mind, many Marital Counselors don't "specialize" in infidelity. Just because they do MC doesn't mean they do. It's not easy to find out. Probably the best way is just by asking them - or look to see if they've offered nonsensical advice - like yours did.
> 
> ...


Thanks for being patient with me about this. I have decided to make a list of issues that I am having with some of her advice, and bring it to her attention at the next session. I did tell my husband that I am having an issue with the sessions, and being told to put it on a shelf. I know that I do need to move on...eventually. But...I also know that the pain it still too real to sweep it under the rug. My fear is that if I don't face it, and deal with it NOW...that it will come back in bite me in the butt further down the road. After my talk with hubby yesterday, I know that he really wants me to be able to let it go, and he is at a lose as to how to help me. I told him he needs to let me feel what I feel...and give me time. I think he feels helpless, and at the same time I can sense he is a bit upset at where I am at right now in the healing process.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

There needs to be a balance to things.

Obviously you should be free to ask, question, and discuss anything and everything about the affair that you want to. Nothing, should be off the table - ever.

That said, there needs to be room for other discussions about other issues too. For an extreme example, say H wanted a new car instead of taking you on a cruise. It wouldn't be helpful to try and close discussion of which to do with, "but you cheated". Or if H wanted to discuss you getting a job, and you saying "but you cheated"

I'm not saying you are using it as the only topic of discussion, or using it as a trump card , but I'm asking is that what the counsellor could be trying to say?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

havenrose33 said:


> My fear is that if I don't face it, and deal with it NOW...that it will come back in bite me in the butt further down the road.


That's absolutely spot on.

And part of dealing with it, is witnessing your WS accept significant consequences and demonstrate consistent remorse. You have to test that remorse. If you don't, months down the road you'll have those nagging doubts; wondering if he is just settling for you, wondering why you can't get past this.


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## havenrose33 (Aug 7, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> There needs to be a balance to things.
> 
> Obviously you should be free to ask, question, and discuss anything and everything about the affair that you want to. Nothing, should be off the table - ever.
> 
> ...


I agree that we do have to balance out our conversations. The affair is just one of MANY issues within our marriage. She did say that she wanted me to put the affair up on a shelf, move on and NOT bring it into conversations. We spent one 45 minute session going over it, and that we should move onto other issues in our next session. That when I felt overwhelmed with thoughts of the affair I should find something to get my mind off it (go for a walk, take a hot bath, exercise...etc). I just have a difficult time feeling like I am being told to *stuff* my feelings. My feelings are what they are....and taking a hot bath will not make them disappear. I know I have to reach a place where I am ready to let the questions, fears, anger, disappointment and confusion all go. I moved to be with my husband three weeks ago, hardly enough time to unpack, let alone.....deal with the mixed feelings that I have. Just very confused..


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## havenrose33 (Aug 7, 2013)

badmemory said:


> That's absolutely spot on.
> 
> And part of dealing with it, is witnessing your WS accept significant consequences and demonstrate consistent remorse. You have to test that remorse. If you don't, months down the road you'll have those nagging doubts; wondering if he is just settling for you, wondering why you can't get past this.


I know that I need to deal with it. I do have nagging doubts right now, and I realize that I do have to allow myself to feel them, figure out if I can get past them....and move on.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

havenrose33 said:


> She did say that she wanted me to put the affair up on a shelf, move on and NOT bring it into conversations. We spent one 45 minute session going over it, and that we should move onto other issues in our next session.


 45 minutes to discuss the affair and then you should move and to other topics? This implies to your husband that the other topics are more important than the affair, and validates to your husband that these other martial issues are what caused the affair. You are both 50%-50% responsible for the issues in your marriage, but your husband is 100% responsible for his cheating. A MC that knows what they are doing when dealing with affairs, knows that it takes years to heal from the betrayal of an affair. They know that until your cheating spouse makes the long term effort to rebuild the trust again, none of the other issues really matter, because without trust there cannot be a solid marraige. It is pointless to try to address these other issues as long as you do not trust your husband, and you cannot and should not just wave a wand and trust him again. Real trust is earned not given, and the MC is not requiring that your cheating husband do the heavy long term lifting to earn that trust.

The truth is the affair is so recent, you should not trust your husband not to cheat again. Now that he has tasted the brain drugs released while having the affair, he will want to taste it again. Only time will tell us if he is able to resist it long term or not; it can be very addictive.


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## HMMMM NOW WHAT? (Jan 15, 2013)

I was kinda told the same thing...like get over it so you came move on to the healing phase. I was like f'that I AM NOT READY to move on to anything. I need answers. My situation is somewhat different. You can see my original post if you'd like. 

I have been dealing with my issue since October 2012 and I am still dealing with it. I have not accepted what has happened and I have not entered the reconciliation phase and do not know if I ever will.


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## havenrose33 (Aug 7, 2013)

TRy said:


> 45 minutes to discuss the affair and then you should move and to other topics? This implies to your husband that the other topics are more important than the affair, and validates to your husband that these other martial issues are what caused the affair. You are both 50%-50% responsible for the issues in your marriage, but your husband is 100% responsible for his cheating. A MC that knows what they are doing when dealing with affairs, knows that it takes years to heal from the betrayal of an affair. They know that until your cheating spouse makes the long term effort to rebuild the trust again, none of the other issues really matter, because without trust there cannot be a solid marraige. It is pointless to try to address these other issues as long as you do not trust your husband, and you cannot and should not just wave a wand and trust him again. Real trust is earned not given, and the MC is not requiring that your cheating husband do the heavy long term lifting to earn that trust.
> 
> The truth is the affair is so recent, you should not trust your husband not to cheat again. Now that he has tasted the brain drugs released while having the affair, he will want to taste it again. Only time will tell us if he is able to resist it long term or not; it can be very addictive.


This is such a great post. I have times when I feel like I am being unreasonable, that I am not *trying* hard enough to let it go. I know he needs to earn my trust, and so far.....I don't honestly feel like he has done enough or is doing enough for me trust him again. I keep hoping that I feel it...that I wake up and feel his loyalty to our marriage. I know I need to give it more time...


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

havenrose33 said:


> I agree that we do have to balance out our conversations. The affair is just one of MANY issues within our marriage. She did say that she wanted me to put the affair up on a shelf, move on and NOT bring it into conversations. We spent one 45 minute session going over it, and that we should move onto other issues in our next session. That when I felt overwhelmed with thoughts of the affair I should find something to get my mind off it (go for a walk, take a hot bath, exercise...etc). I just have a difficult time feeling like I am being told to *stuff* my feelings. My feelings are what they are....and taking a hot bath will not make them disappear. I know I have to reach a place where I am ready to let the questions, fears, anger, disappointment and confusion all go. I moved to be with my husband three weeks ago, hardly enough time to unpack, let alone.....deal with the mixed feelings that I have. Just very confused..


Your counselor is following a school of thought that I believe is wrong and IMO could be destructive. 

Here is an excerpt from an article:

Jackie and Ronnie Calloway (from MarriageInspiration.com) point out one of the common mistakes made by spouses who have had affairs:


“Trying to rush the wounded spouse. The person who committed the adultery must avoid saying to your spouse, ‘That is over now, let’s forget it, not talk about it any more and move on.’ Your spouse is still devastated and bleeding. This is an open wound that you won’t slap a quick band aid on and hope they will be okay.” (From article “10 Common Marriage Reconciliation Mistakes to Avoid After Infidelity“)

And from everyone we’ve talked to that has lived through this situation, and every article we’ve read, truer words couldn’t be written. Just because you don’t want to deal with the issue any longer, or you feel like you have dealt with it long and deeply enough — that it is a dead issue as far as you’re concerned, your spouse needs top consideration here. She or he is the one who was betrayed and as long as there are more unsettled issues that she/he needs to work through, they will always be present to separate you in some way in your marriage relationship.

When emotional wounds are deep, it’s unrealistic for one spouse to decide when an offending situation should be closed and no longer dealt with. Marriage is a partnership where both spouses need to work together on such issues “until” … in other words, “until” both spouses come to a mutual agreement that all is well.


My reconmendation is you stop seeing this counselor. Find one that has experience in infidelity and can offer you and your husband assistance. They need to know their stuff and be fair. They need to understand the BS and the WS.

The counselor is not even giving you a chance and that is just plain wrong.


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

I came across a "brochure" online that was written by Shirley Glass (author of NOT Just Friends) for the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. It describes a counseling approach that doesn't focus on the affair in the initial sessions but that's only because it's laying the "groundwork" so that the "work" that will be done concerning the affair will be more productive:

_One way to help couples rebuild marriages after the disclosure of infidelity is based on an interpersonal trauma model -- a process of recovery and healing leading to forgiveness. The first stage of recovery after the impact of the disclosure establishes safety and addresses the painful emotions and traumatic symptoms. Understanding the vulnerabilities for the EMI [extra marital involvement] and telling the story of the affair comprise the middle stage. Integrating the meaning of the affair into the present and moving on into the future is the final stage of healing and forgiveness. _

This seems to be what our MC is doing; I'm very impressed with how he's been addressing the painful emotions in our first sessions. 

But in your situation, it sounds as if you've been told the affair has already been addressed and that issue has now been handled and it's not going to be dealt with again in MC? And you're not supposed to bring it up in conversations with your husband? If that's what your MC thinks is going to heal you and your marriage, she has obviously NOT studied any of the infidelity research (like Shirley Glass' work, who is one of the main researchers in the field).

You're not supposed to endlessly punish him about it, but neither are you supposed to keep secrets from him: something that's on your mind on a daily basis that you never discuss with him would be keeping a secret, and that is NO way to have emotional intimacy in a marriage. That is guaranteed to build distance. 

Your counselor really seems to know nothing about infidelity and its effects on the betrayed spouse. I vote to ditch her unless she agrees to radically change course and meet your needs. FYI, I found our counselor by checking the National Registry of Marriage Friendly Therapists, and made sure that his bio included expertise in infidelity. Take care, and good luck.


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## Joseph5 (Jul 13, 2013)

I'm sorry to hear about your hard times in your marriage. I just found out a few weeks ago that my wife had been having an online affair. To answer your question I don't think that you will ever fully "get over it." I know that I probably won't. The questions will always be there, even if you get some answers to the questions that you have now. New questions will always come up or at least that's what has happened to me. One thing that I have learned is that you have to believe in yourself. I wish you the best of luck and I hope everything works out for you.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

hopefulgirl said:


> I came across a "brochure" online that was written by Shirley Glass (author of NOT Just Friends) for the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. It describes a counseling approach that doesn't focus on the affair in the initial sessions but that's only because it's laying the "groundwork" so that the "work" that will be done concerning the affair will be more productive:
> 
> _One way to help couples rebuild marriages after the disclosure of infidelity is based on an interpersonal trauma model -- a process of recovery and healing leading to forgiveness. The first stage of recovery after the impact of the disclosure establishes safety and addresses the painful emotions and traumatic symptoms. Understanding the vulnerabilities for the EMI [extra marital involvement] and telling the story of the affair comprise the middle stage. Integrating the meaning of the affair into the present and moving on into the future is the final stage of healing and forgiveness. _
> 
> ...


I like Shirley Glass' approach, which is a trauma based approach to counseling those affected by infidelity. Many counselors do take the minimize, underlying cause, put it in context approach, which in my opinion is a knuckleheaded way of saying just move on. The problem with the more common approach is that the counselor knows where the couples need to be or where they need to get to in their M, but they do not understand infidelity nor do they understand the path to healing, and therefor they dismiss the hard stuff. That is why they say things like, he/she does not need to know that, or telling them that or answerring that question will cause too much pain. 

Shirley Glass, Peggy Vaughn, and Frank Pittman to name a few have been on a campaign of sorts to educate couple's therapists in regards to infidelity. 

I don't discount MC but have yet to go myself because a bad one or one who does not understand infidelity will make matters worse. 

I do believe a good counselor will understand both the WS and the BS and should be fair in their approach to both parties, but IMO, should not put up with BS, have empathy, and at times be forthright in their approach.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> If this is not his first affair, I'd seriously consider moving on.
> 
> He's been down this path before and chances are very great that he will do it again in the future. I'm so very sorry.


Sadly I have to agree with this.. 

My wife attempted or did 4x in the past.. That I know of..

That is before leaving me this time after 19 years.. Left me and our kids 8 and 13..

Hindsight being 20/20 as it is, I would have NEVER married her.. Yes I love my kids to death, but having to figure out how to erase 19 years from my mind excluding 2 boys is very difficult. If I knew a procedure that actually did it I would honestly do it.. 

Trust me I know being alone is tough, I know it first hand myself.. There is no magic bullet or words that can make this right.. But trust me you trying to fix this when he really doesn't is not going to make this last. All your doing is delaying the inevitable. 

There is no true way to know that Marriage counseling and Therapy fixed this for you.. I thought it did for me in the past.. I thought 7 years ago we came out of the attempted affair much stronger and better as a couple. It is obvious we didn't.. 

Today what do you do ? What choices do you have ?

Do you try MC again and hope it does something for him and fixes him ? How will you know ? You can't..

The only way I see NOW is for my ex wife to leave and figure this out on her own. I have no clue why my ex abandoned me and the kids.. I have no clue what went wrong in our marriage.. I caught her cheating, she faked reconciliation and then left me and moved in with this other man.. 

Do I wait around hoping that one day she will come to me in 12 or 13 months and say *" Hey I have been going to therapy for the last 12 months and I figured out what my issues were, I would like for you to come to counseling with me and hope we can fix this for our family" *

So then we go to MC for another 12 months and 2 years later we are back together again ?

That is a cute fantasy isn't it... I sure wished it would come true.. 

Sadly its not gonna happen. She will continue on with this and just leave this other man eventually. She can't do it now as she will look like a fool after everything that has happen. So she will waste several years of her life pretending then moving on yet to someone else.. 

If your husband wasn't happy with you, he would have left you.. The reality is they don't want to be alone.. This is why they have the affair.. They are cowards.. 

Remember years ago when you were dating and you didn't like someone, what did you do ? You broke up with them.. No hard feelings, this just isn't for me.. You both went your separate ways. 

Why should this be any different ? Because the Wayward is a coward. They don't want to be alone..

The best and hardest thing you could do is show him you don't need him or anyone to live your life.. 

My wife said it had nothing to do with the other man, but when I asked her then why are you moving in with him, she had no answer.. 

Trust me I know all this sh1t is easier said then done.. It is fvcking hard.. I'm not rich but I wasn't crying for a dollar that is for sure.. My wife left me for someone 10 years older, 1 foot shorter and has NOTHING.... 

What you come to learn once your mind is clear, is that they need to want to come back on their own.. He has to be out there and say WTF did I do.. I'm sorry babe I fvcked up.. I love you.. I made a monumental mistake. Please forgive me.. Take me back.. I will do what is needed to fix this between me and you.. 

Then and only then if you want them back can you fix this.. 

What you need to do is surround yourself with good friends and family.. People who will support you and help you think things through when you cannot think clearly.. Trust me all of here have been in your shoes and some still are.. I can tell you I was not thinking clearly 8 months ago.. 

Take it from a man who would have eaten sh1t off the floor and cut off his right arm to fix his marriage and have his wife back.

The issue is you have him on a pedestal, once you take him off that pedestal you will see him like any other man/person.. Then and only then will this stuff make true sense to you.. That was my problem I looked up at sister theresa ( my wife ) and truly seen I could not function without her.. When I go shopping I get the most depressed for some reason.. I guess its because I work all week and then have to cram everything into Saturday to get things done. EG Food shopping, Dry cleaning, Buying cloths, etc..

Nonetheless you will go through what you need to go through regardless of what people say here.. The key thing is once you figured out you can't fix him and that he needs to want this more then you.. Then come back and reread what people have posted here to make yourself stronger..

Good luck and keep posting to get stuff off your chest. It helps out tons.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Hardtohandle has made a great post and summary.

Ditto to his words!


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## LoriC (Feb 18, 2013)

Were you able to get past it the first time he cheated but cannot the second time? I have a feeling if you move past it, it will just give him permission to do it a third time. Then where will you be. I dont think I could get past it but thats just me. 

I agree with the others, time for a new therapist.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Thorburn said:


> Good article.


Tell her your qualifications, it'll have a stronger impact with your advice.


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