# Separated second job income from wife



## wanttofix (Jun 4, 2013)

This frustrates me just typing it out, but you guys have to have something to work off of. 

As stated in the title, I recently acquired a second job. We are behind in every-single-bill-possible. Even basic utilities are behind. She understands it was her fault because she wanted to manage the finance and though we used our credit card for gas only, she maxed it out with gas only. I brought up many times, we have to pay more than a week worth of gas a month to keep the balance down. So much for managing. :scratchhead:

Before this I worked two jobs. But last time I worked 110 or so hours a week between the two jobs. I made upwards of 71K a year between the two jobs. 

Now I make nearly half that and we are in the situation we are now. She now works part time, but 200~230 every two weeks isn't going to cut it. I got a second part time job again, but this time the second income is going into my own account. I like going to school all the time, but right now we could be spending the money on something else. Like a rainy day fund, buying a house? Important things in life?

Since this, she has been angry. I have asked "what's wrong?" "Why are you so angry?" Nothing is wrong and stop saying I am angry. She almost says it in a threatening demeanor. I am almost tempted to keep at it to see if she'll stab me with a knife or something. Maybe slap me or punch me in the face. 

In my own head, I bring big enough income for my family on one check, why does she need my second check? I will be spending my second paycheck for a couple months to get caught up. I separated it because of what happened in the past. Because its a pain to change direct deposit at this company. Because after we get caught up, this income is mine to work on this stupid debt, not the family.

I mean seriously. We rent and we don't even have a down payment saved up, she hopes for some landlord to accept the down payment after we get it back from our last place.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Have you tried the two of you working together to pay the bills? You could set up a time each week where too two sit down and do it together.

There is a good book that might help the two of you "Smart Couples Finish Rich". IT might help if both of you read it. Then you set goals together and work on your plan together.


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## wanttofix (Jun 4, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Have you tried the two of you working together to pay the bills? You could set up a time each week where too two sit down and do it together.
> 
> There is a good book that might help the two of you "Smart Couples Finish Rich". IT might help if both of you read it. Then you set goals together and work on your plan together.


The thing is, asking any questions is looked at as a threat. Even when I say I just want to know, it's a threat. If I asked questions about my own son, it's a threat. A threat is in the same terms as mistrust or incompetence.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

wanttofix said:


> The thing is, asking any questions is looked at as a threat. Even when I say I just want to know, it's a threat. If I asked questions about my own son, it's a threat. A threat is in the same terms as mistrust or incompetence.


I'm not sure what asking questions has to do with the two fo you working on your finances together.

What kind of questions do you ask about your son that she takes as a threat?

How many hours a week do the two of you spend doing date-like things, just the two of you?


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## wanttofix (Jun 4, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> I'm not sure what asking questions has to do with the two fo you working on your finances together.
> 
> What kind of questions do you ask about your son that she takes as a threat?
> 
> How many hours a week do the two of you spend doing date-like things, just the two of you?


Sorry. Let me clarify further. We don't sit down together to talk about our finances. It's either I discover something or she handles bills. I've already tried talking to her about tracking our income and she doesn't want to hear it. She rather handle it. I guess I am looking for a translator, based on the info, on why she is so angry. I am guessing the separate account thing is the target, but hoping for something else. 

You can report this and move it if you would like. It seems it doesn't belong here.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

wanttofix said:


> Sorry. Let me clarify further. We don't sit down together to talk about our finances. It's either I discover something or she handles bills. I've already tried talking to her about tracking our income and she doesn't want to hear it. She rather handle it. I guess I am looking for a translator, based on the info, on why she is so angry. I am guessing the separate account thing is the target, but hoping for something else.


Your did something... opened an account without consulting her and you are upset because she does not accept your decision.

Well she's upset because you do not accept her decisions on how to handle the money. You opening up the account says loud and clear that you do not trust her. And let's face it, you don't.

The two of you are having a power struggle. I think you both would benefit from going to either a financial advisor, a counselor or both.

You could tell your wife that since the two of you do not agree on how to handle the finances, you two need help in arriving at an agreement and learning to work together.

I get the feeling that there is a lot more wrong in your marriage then the money. That's why I asked about the amount of time you spend together. Since you ignored such an important question, it implies that you don't spend much quality time with your wife. When a couple stops 'dating' they lose their bond to each other and the bickering. And what you have is what you get.




wanttofix said:


> You can report this and move it if you would like. It seems it doesn't belong here.



I don't know what you mean by this. This thread seems to be in the right forum. Why would I report it?


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## wanttofix (Jun 4, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Your did something... opened an
> account without consulting her and you are upset because she does not accept your decision.
> 
> Well she's upset because you do not accept her decisions on how to handle the money. You opening up the account says loud and clear that you do not trust her. And let's face it, you don't.
> ...


Now that I know for sure it was because I setup direct deposit in the other account, I know what to do. 

The other stuff here is a given. Counselors are the worst in my city. I've called at least twenty and I get nothing. I call their office phone number, rings endlessly or goes to a generic voice mail. I am not about to go door-to-door, trick or treating for a counselor. There is no reference or anything required, they lack professionalism.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

wanttofix said:


> Now that I know for sure it was because I setup direct deposit in the other account, I know what to do.
> 
> The other stuff here is a given. Counselors are the worst in my city. I've called at least twenty and I get nothing. I call their office phone number, rings endlessly or goes to a generic voice mail. I am not about to go door-to-door, trick or treating for a counselor. There is no reference or anything required, they lack professionalism.


What city do you live in? This sounds odd. I wonder why they do not answer their phones...


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## wanttofix (Jun 4, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> What city do you live in? This sounds odd. I wonder why they do not answer their phones...


Phoenix,az


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

wanttofix said:


> Phoenix,az


All counselors in Phoenix are not professional and not answering the phone? Really? 

:scratchhead:


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## wanttofix (Jun 4, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> All counselors in Phoenix are not professional and not answering the phone? Really?
> 
> :scratchhead:


I didn't say all, I said 20. I feel defeated because everyone that fits the bill, I call, there is no answer. I am getting my list from my insurance company.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Have you also considered a financial counsellor?

I agree with EleGirl... Your problems seem to go much deeper than the finances. Like fundamental communication issues. If things continue down this path, it's only going to continue getting worse.

C


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

What work did your wife have before you got married? Did she become a SAHM after the birth of your son?


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## wanttofix (Jun 4, 2013)

PBear said:


> Have you also considered a financial counsellor?
> 
> I agree with EleGirl... Your problems seem to go much deeper than the finances. Like fundamental communication issues. If things continue down this path, it's only going to continue getting worse.
> 
> C


It's weird. They get extremely better then a single thing makes everything like a car wreck. We are inconsistent with each other.



LongWalk said:


> What work did your wife have before you got married? Did she become a SAHM after the birth of your son?


My wife technically has been unemployed for a couple years before we had our child. She was a K-6 teacher. I told her because of her age, that we should start trying instead of waiting to be financially secure. By the time we might be financially secure, it might be too late. She did become a SAHM after the birth because it was our first. 

I tried talking about this problem somewhere else and that was a horrible experience. I am glad I came to this forum, there seems to be a lot less judgmental people here. It seems everyone here thinks we should go through MC, but all of these therapists or counselors won't pick up their phone.

I think I need to call my insurance company and complain about this. As far as financial services, would it be the same as a marriage counselor or what? I've never herd of a financial counselor before. If this will make her understand how to do a budget, then I am all for it. 

Yes, I said her. I grew up in a financial stringent family and know what a budge is and does. But lets start with getting that communication nailed down.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

wanttofix said:


> It's weird. They get extremely better then a single thing makes everything like a car wreck.
> 
> 
> 
> My wife technically has been unemployed for a couple years before we had our child. She was a teacher. I told her because of her age that we should start trying instead of waiting to be financially secure. By the time we would be financially secure, it might be too late. She did become a SAHM after the birth because it was our first.


I'm guessing things get better when you both ignore the issues, and then blow up when something happens so you can't?

C


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## wanttofix (Jun 4, 2013)

PBear said:


> I'm guessing things get better when you both ignore the issues, and then blow up when something happens so you can't?
> 
> C


Yeah... pretty much. It's hard to talk about a problem when all you do is yell at each other and get no where.  

I've tried explaining her that yelling at each other isn't communicating or solving the issue, she disagrees. But that isn't the point. Our communication is at different levels and agree we should see someone.


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## COfan (Oct 4, 2012)

As others here have stated, sounds like MC and financial counseling are imperative for you and your wife. For financial counseling, I'd suggest this organization..very helpful..Crown Financial Ministries > Home Also, for help in finding a reputable MC in your area check this out: Find A Counselor Hope you two can get "things" reconciled. Blessings!


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## wanttofix (Jun 4, 2013)

COfan said:


> As others here have stated, sounds like MC and financial counseling are imperative for you and your wife. For financial counseling, I'd suggest this organization..very helpful..Crown Financial Ministries > Home Also, for help in finding a reputable MC in your area check this out: Find A Counselor Hope you two can get "things" reconciled. Blessings!


With the help of this forum, I found the link to area therapists and on my way. :smthumbup:

I will take a look for an FC after we get the MC setup. If the MC is a fit, we'll use her recommendation on an FC.


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## Happyfamily (Apr 15, 2014)

wanttofix said:


> and though we used our credit card for gas only, she maxed it out with gas only. I brought up many times, we have to pay more than a week worth of gas a month to keep the balance down.


She knows. She just doesn't want to do it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

wanttofix said:


> The thing is, asking any questions is looked at as a threat. Even when I say I just want to know, it's a threat. If I asked questions about my own son, it's a threat. A threat is in the same terms as mistrust or incompetence.


Time to man up. First, do NOT give her that money. She's mad? Too bad so sad. You're in this boat because of her. Those are called consequences. Second, read No More Mr Nice Guy. Like, yesterday! You need to be educated in how to lead a family, like the man is supposed to do. Your family is depending on it. Get that book TODAY; you can download it. Start reading!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You can start by not yelling. Any time she raises her voice, leave the room. Period. "I won't participate. I'll be back when you're ready to talk." And leave the room.


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## Tmj4477 (May 3, 2014)

have you guys talked about her getting a job to help the family. I mean she helped create the debt why don't both of you work?


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## Toshiba2020 (Mar 1, 2012)

Time to tighten your belts. I dont know your situation in detail but i have family members who complain about paying the mortgage, have maxed out credit cards and can barely afford groceries yet they have a massive flat screen TV, high end cable, the fastest internet package, drive a massive fuel guzzling truck, take a 2-3 week vacation to the beach each year costing $5k+ every year, eat out multiple nights a week, etc... Also your wife makes $200 every two weeks, thats $100 a week or $20 a day... after taxes are taken out does that even cover gas to get to and from work? She should put the child in day care and go back to being a teacher its a decent salary, regular hours, summers off, its a great career path she shouldn't be passing up.

As for the getting a second job, making a second bank account and keeping the money all for yourself thats going to make her mad. Its kind of like living a whole second life without your family, do whatever you want. She feels rejected, not only are you limiting what is her money vs your money vs family money but you will spending more time away from home, less time she gets to spend with you and more work she will have to do as she will now have to pick up your chores since you are gone all the time, making money, for yourself, to be spent only on yourself...

My Recommendation: Start MC, if you cant find one call your general practitioner and have him recommend one, he can probably even setup and appointment for you. Then take one of those money management classes, or at a minimum watch some Dave Ramsey on youtube together. Work the second job, but only until the bills are paid off, then quit and spend time with your family. Talk with her about going back to being a teacher. Make a budget, stick to that budget and keep all financial decisions out in the open.


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