# Is paying for sex or strippers cheating?



## Sophia1918 (Mar 31, 2017)

pinkprincess said:


> my husband has not or would not do this but i have a friend whos husband did this and i have thought it over and want your input.
> 
> If your husband payed an escort for sex for 1 hour would it be cheating? there is no eotional conection its just sex? but at the same time it is sex!!!!!


Yes, my husband pays for sex, I am disabled and can't have penetrative sex with him and find giving oral sex sickening so I am happy to let him do this, he has my concent and I have met the woman he sees and she is a really nice person, he is the only person she sees and it also helps her as her marriage is on the rocks and the small amount of money he gives her helps her out but she also enjoys the sex.


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

pinkprincess said:


> my husband has not or would not do this but i have a friend whos husband did this and i have thought it over and want your input.
> 
> If your husband payed an escort for sex for 1 hour would it be cheating? there is no eotional conection its just sex? but at the same time it is sex!!!!!


I am going to answer a different questions, but one that is perhaps more important.

The reason has to do with what cheating on a spouse really means and the statement that paid escort sex has no emotional connection.

The question I am going to answer is if a husband paid an escort or a stripper, is that a good reason for a wife to divorce the husband?

I would agree with invictus that it depends.

As has been pointed out paying a stripper, even if he gets a lap dance and lusts after her, may not be something someone wants to break up a marriage for, if you have children and if it is a rare thing. Would it be better if the wife gave her H a lap dance or twerked for him when the kids were asleep? Yes. Would paying a stripper to give him a BJ or go out to a car in the parking lot for a quickie be grounds for divorce? Possibly, but then again it might be repairable with proper remorse, counseling and changed behavior.

Now as to the escort. Again, I think that this is also situational for the couple. Just prior to my post we had a woman who due to illness encouraged her husband to pay for certain oral sex as she was medically and emotionally unable to meet his sex needs. 

Having said that I would also say, that I have seen a number of stories on the number of escorts who find that men would rather pay them to talk to them, than to have sex with them. If that is the case I see little difference in talking to an escort or a marriage counselor, as long as there is no emotional attachment.

Now getting to paying for sex with an escort, that really depends on the reasons. One of the things I learned in my sex starved marriage is that lack of sex between a husband and wife is often partially the responsibility of both partners. That was a hard lesson for me to learn. I didn't for quite a while realize that I was a big part of why my wife would not have sex with me and had emotionally checked out of our marriage.

I think that unprotected sex, emotional involvement, improperly spending family money, denying sex to a spouse, and sex outside of marriage can (but don't have to be) grounds for divorce. It really depends on the two people.

It amazes me what some women (and husbands) are willing to put up with from a wayward spouse and still want to try to save the marriage. However, having been in a Sex Starved Marriage and the one who was looking at a future life of celibacy and yet committed himself to changing himself and fighting to save my marriage, I can understand the desire and benefit of reconciling with a spouse. Because of that, I really think that whether paying for strippers or escorts is grounds for divorce depends a lot on what happened, why it happened and the couple and their situation.

Good luck and don't be the one to tell your friend. If you feel compelled to tell your H to tell the man to knock it off and get him and his wife to a good marriage counselor before he destroys his marriage.

P.S. My sex starved marriage had nothing to do with an infidelity on either of our parts. We just emotionally drifted apart. My wife then emotionally hurt me whenever we had sex to regain her emotional distance. Ultimately that pain conditioned us to not have sex. In retrospect each and every day of our marriage we told each other that we loved our spouse, but just not in (Chapman) love languages that the other could hear or understand.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I split the OP from an old thread dating back to 2010.


----------



## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

Sophia1918 said:


> Yes, my husband pays for sex, I am disabled and can't have penetrative sex with him and find giving oral sex sickening so I am happy to let him do this, he has my concent and I have met the woman he sees and she is a really nice person, he is the only person she sees and it also helps her as her marriage is on the rocks and the small amount of money he gives her helps her out but she also enjoys the sex.


So she is cheating on her husband and you guys are supporting it? I understand the disable thing but couldn't he find someone not in a relationship?


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> I split the OP from an old thread dating back to 2010.


I split the crust from old bread so that I can chew over it.

In this post with both partners in a sexless marriage, they were OK with one going to an escort, who am I to say no.

Or course, protection must be used. In this case, I suspect it is not.

As far as emotional attachment? The husband goes to the same women for relief. 

*He enjoys it, the escort enjoys it. Ah, that raises a Red Flag. Both enjoy each other in bed. They have bonded. Now it is an EA and cash for ash.
*
OP's husband enjoys it, OW enjoys the sex and gladly takes the money. The money is a ruse. She uses the money to rationalize any of her guilt away. I suspect, she would do it for nothing, if push came to shove...and he did at least 20 minutes of pushing and shoving before he arrived or better put, before he came.

OW enjoys the money, enjoys the sex, the brief companionship, and likely the orgasm, the sexual relief. She too, feels wanted.

OW enjoys the sex, enjoys the money, OP's WH enjoys the sex and intimacy, OP, enjoys the fact that her husband is not pawing all over her.

OW enjoys the sex and money. OW is married with children, another Red Flag.

*Does the other women's husband know of this arrangement? Do her children know of the arrangement? Do her in-laws know of this arrangement?
*
One couple, OP and her husband are delighted. The other couple has only a 50% approval rating. Am I correct on this point? I know the OW's children and family do not know. How embarrassing it would be to find out their mommy was a prostitute.


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> I split the OP from an old thread dating back to 2010.


OK, I understand why a really old thread should not be continued for something like 6 or 7 years with that much of a gap in the middle. Once again, I clicked on an interesting recent discussion and added to the discussion without checking the date of the posts. I did read them from the beginning, but I need to pay more attention to the dates.

I am unsure if I am going to do something I shouldn't, and if I do as the moderator to delete my comment.

I think that some of the prior comments from 2010 are relevant as at a minimum I reference Invictus comment.

As such could a link be included to the earlier portion of the thread that served as the basis of this discussion? http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/19173-paying-sex-strippers-cheating.html

thank you.

YAH

P.S. my heart goes out to both the woman whose recent posting brought me to this tread and to her husband. I am not sure that I would have the strength of will to do what she and her husband have compromised on, if the tables were turned on my wife and myself. Having said that, I do believe that all things in marriage are about compromises that both the husband and wife can live with. However, I do agree that there shouldn't be any emotional attachment and the husband should have found someone who was not married.


----------



## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Jeez, some people have interesting/depressing lives. Disabled wife that can't have sex and refuses to take care of your needs? Damn. But who am I to judge, maybe I'm the crazy one. 


I'll just leave this here:


----------



## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

This is wrong on multiple levels. First of, yes, it is cheating, not only paying for the act is wrong but seeing someone who herself is is a relationship where her husband knows nothing about it is wrong. I'm sure that something other than this could be worked out.


----------



## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Well, technically it is not cheating because YOU allowed it for whatever reason. It's an agreement. One I hope he doesn't break by falling for the sexual release partner. 

You may want to double think just how grossed out you really are about satisfying your spouse orally. Are you gross out enough to maybe loosing the marriage all together? 

Your life and your choices. Every choice has consequences. Involving a third party into a marriage is inviting trouble sooner rather than later.


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Anything done with the consent of the couple is not cheating.


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

This is your choice, so if you agree, its not cheating. Its unfortunate that you find providing oral sex so awful that you would rather him seek it somewhere else. It is however up to you. 



Sophia1918 said:


> Yes, my husband pays for sex, I am disabled and can't have penetrative sex with him and find giving oral sex sickening so I am happy to let him do this, he has my concent and I have met the woman he sees and she is a really nice person, he is the only person she sees and it also helps her as her marriage is on the rocks and the small amount of money he gives her helps her out but she also enjoys the sex.


----------



## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

I would end my marriage over this, not acceptable ever. MrH associates emotion with sex far more than I do but if he cheated my emotional boiler would burst.

Then again I know he needs sex for sex sake but also to keep and strengthen the emotional bond. I am more inclined to have sex for the sake of it.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Its adultery and wrong. Even if my husband could never have sex again there is no way I would do this to him. Sex should be for the couple only, there are things that can be worked out.I made promises to be faithful and I don't intend to break them. 
Adultery always ends badly.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

uhtred said:


> This is your choice, so if you agree, its not cheating. Its unfortunate that you find providing oral sex so awful that you would rather him seek it somewhere else. It is however up to you.


and there is always the hand..............


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Different people view different things as "sex".





Diana7 said:


> and there is always the hand..............


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Even though tacit approval has been freely given by the disabled wife to her H, at least from the purely "marital vow standpoint," it is deemed to be cheating!

To the woman in the bad marriage who is "helping out," chiefly because of the extenuating circumstances, she may actually think that she is not cheating; but her husband, greatly provided that he ever finds out what it is that his W is doing on the side, might see things just a tad differently!*


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

uhtred said:


> Different people view different things as "sex".


What I meant was, she can use her hands to give him pleasure. 
In effect she is encouraging him and enabling him to commit adultery and that will always end in tears.Its a terrible idea.


----------



## allez (May 26, 2015)

It's not cheating if you have permission. How can it be?

Generally, paying for sex when your partner doesn't know about it, is obviously cheating. I don't think that going to the strippers is cheating though. A lot of significant others wouldn't like it if their partner was going to the strippers, but it's not "cheating".


----------



## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Diana7 said:


> and there is always the hand..............




Not the same.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Sophia1918 said:


> Yes, my husband pays for sex, I am disabled and can't have penetrative sex with him and find giving oral sex sickening so I am happy to let him do this, he has my concent and I have met the woman he sees and she is a really nice person, he is the only person she sees and it also helps her as her marriage is on the rocks and the small amount of money he gives her helps her out but she also enjoys the sex.


The answer to this question yes. And/or no.

If spouses have arrangements like you and your husband then it isn't.

But if it is to done in secret then it is cheating.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

allez said:


> It's not cheating if you have permission. How can it be?


*But what do both marriage partner's original religious and/or civil marital vows to one another have to say about this?

Are they not worth so much as either the paper that they are written on, or the breath which they were confided to one another with?*


----------



## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

blueinbr said:


> Diana7 said:
> 
> 
> > and there is always the hand..............
> ...


Not the same, but a great deal safer and more normal, in my opinion, than what they are currently doing. 

Wow, I can't even begin to wrap my mind around some things that are discussed on here.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

It's a rational solution to a huge problem. The alternative would likely be divorce. We both value sex too much to ever be forced to live without it again (both our first marriages were sexless). We've agreed that we can get sex elsewhere if either of us can't provide what the other needs. We wouldn't do it with a married person, though, unless they have an open marriage, are separated, or single. Marriage is a contract - we just added an addendum.


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

arbitrator said:


> *But what do both marriage partner's original religious and/or civil marital vows to one another have to say about this?
> 
> Are they not worth so much as either the paper that they are written on, or the breath which they were confided to one another with?*


While I generally agree with much of what you say as I am very pro-marriage and preserving a marriage if at all possible, I slightly disagree here. I am nearing 70 and have seen a lot in my life. I have learned to forgive a lot.

I am also a big fan of David Schnarch and his views on marriage. He believes that marriage if done correctly is very very hard. He views every aspect of marriage a balancing (negotiated settlement) between the husband and wife over one partners high demand and the others low demand. This includes sex, how often to have chocolate ice cream for dessert, and what and how much TV to watch.

Schnarch likes to point out that the hard part of marriage is that it involves two individuals that mature and emotionally change over time. This creates a constant push/pull between them as they grow and evolve at different rates. He views the hallmark of a good marriage as the ability to self-differentiate and grow to become true to your core values and the best you, you can become. Another is to self soothe, so that those things in life you find are holding you back or gridlock issues with your spouse, you can find a way to relax about them, try them and figure out if you can just get past your fears/revulsion etc. Finally a good marriage is about negotiated compromise between spouses.

Now to the point. (Sorry for the digression.) The original marital vows were the negotiated agreement at one point in their life. If they still represent both of their core values and/or boundaries or even if they still represent just one of the parties core values, you are right.

On the other hand, if because of illness or other circumstances, enforcement of the original marital vows would cause more harm to the relationship/marriage, then maybe they can renegotiate and self-soothe so that they both can live happily ever after.

Would I prefer if the wife could self soothe and figure out a way to satisfy her husbands needs. Sure, I am sure she would as well. It sounds like for some reason she can't. It sounds like she wants him to be happy. It sounds like they both care about each other and want to stay together, so I am not going to judge them.

As I look to the future of my marriage, I know that as we age, one or both of us will have health issues. Some of those issues could make traditional PIV sex impossible or very difficult. As we get older our definition of sexuality and intimacy will change. I have been with my wife for 46+years and hope to be with her until I die. Change can be frightening. I hope that my wife and I can work through our fears, physical changes and stay emotionally close. We have been through a lot and found so many shared values, beliefs and goals, that I trust we will be able to work out whatever comes our way.


----------



## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

arbitrator said:


> *But what do both marriage partner's original religious and/or civil marital vows to one another have to say about this?
> 
> Are they not worth so much as either the paper that they are written on, or the breath which they were confided to one another with?*


If they made vows to each other and then mutually agree to change the terms that is between the couple and noone else. Any contract can be changed by mutual agreement of all the parties.

The problems arise when one partner decides to change the vows either without the agreement or without the knowledge of the other.


----------

