# What happens when there's nothing there?



## Tryingveryhard (Apr 2, 2013)

Alright guys, I'll put this one out there for you. Been with my wife for 18 years, married 16. Got together when I was 19 and she was 25. 2 kids. Used to have a lot of romance, a lot of spark, a lot of sex. Now, nothing. 
I had an affair 10-11 years ago, we went through counseling and worked very hard to put our marriage back on track. Since then I have been very guilty of falling into the Beta role in our relationship. Didn't realize this until I started reading on this forum and started looking at the MMSL forum (ordered the book). But for the most part, I have been her ***** for the last 7-8 years. I work 50% more hours than she does, my average week is 60+, plus working on my own business on the side. I still do 90% of the laundry, most of the cooking, most of the shopping, and probably 60% of the housework, with my kids making up a lot of the difference. And I have learned that if I bring any of those points up, I'm going to induce an argument and I'm going to lose. As I said, I'm her *****. 
So there are a couple issues with this. First off, we pretty much don't have sex anymore. Maybe 2X a month, and then its a 3-4 minute quickie in the morning, IF she is in the mood. Haven't had foreplay or anything else for a LONG time. The other problem, I don't really find her very attractive right now. She was chubby when I met her, but had the curves where I wanted them, nice hips, big rack, etc etc. Now she's just plain fat. And its hard to get excited when all she does is sit at the computer doing whatever it is she does, smoking, and farting.
I quit smoking a year ago, am dropping weight, and hitting the gym pretty regularly, trying to get back to where I was years ago, simply for my own happiness. 
I love my wife, but I'm getting to the point that I'm not sure I want to stay married. I'm going with the MMSL to see if I can do any rebuilding, but have set myself sort of a time limit to see if any changes occur or not. What would any of you do in this situation? Oh, and since I don't really have any friends anymore, since she doesn't like to socialize, that's why I'm asking all of you.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

First, keep working on yourself. Also consider trying to re-kindle some of your old friendships regardless if your wife would want to tag along or not.

When you attended counseling it seems that you didn't really put your marriage back on track. You simply handed over all the power to your wife as an act of contrition.

I would recommend that you two get back into counseling ASAP and start to talk about this dynamic and the inequitities in the division of labor. It's obviously a sore point for you. I'm sure she's fine with it!

I would guess that your wife has lost a lot of respect for you since you've become her beotch. The best thing to do would be to talk to her directly telling her that from your point of view, the marriage is in trouble and that you'd like the two of you to get back into counseling ASAP to try and save it.


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

Why is it she doesn't contribute to the house chores and other everyday things that need attended to?

I she pleasant to be around? Or is she a domineering beotch?

How is your approach when you try to communicate regarding her helping out?

Approach dictates response in most cases


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## Tryingveryhard (Apr 2, 2013)

It more stems from her constant ***** that I never used to help out around the house. I worked 80+ hours a week, and honestly wasn't home a lot at that time. So when we went through some rough times, I started doing more of the housework. Then we bought our first house about 4 1/2 years ago, and its just gotten worse. She leaves a mess behind everywhere she goes pretty much, and has taught my daughters to do the same. She's not domineering, she's just really not there. Spends most of her time at home on the computer. 
I've just hit the point that I don't feel a connection to her anymore, I'm not very attracted to her anymore, but I still love her. She's put on a lot of weight in the last 5-6 years, and I have tried to engage her in changing diet, changing habits, going for walks together, going to the gym together. She has no interest in any of that. So I do it myself, and just let it go at that. 
So like the title of the post says, what do you do when you love someone, but the attraction is largely gone, and they seem so disconnected from you?


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

Tryingveryhard said:


> It more stems from her constant ***** that I never used to help out around the house. I worked 80+ hours a week, and honestly wasn't home a lot at that time. So when we went through some rough times, I started doing more of the housework. Then we bought our first house about 4 1/2 years ago, and its just gotten worse. She leaves a mess behind everywhere she goes pretty much, and has taught my daughters to do the same. She's not domineering, she's just really not there. Spends most of her time at home on the computer.
> I've just hit the point that I don't feel a connection to her anymore, I'm not very attracted to her anymore, but I still love her. She's put on a lot of weight in the last 5-6 years, and I have tried to engage her in changing diet, changing habits, going for walks together, going to the gym together. She has no interest in any of that. So I do it myself, and just let it go at that.
> So like the title of the post says, what do you do when you love someone, but the attraction is largely gone, and they seem so disconnected from you?


Sounds a lot like she is 'escaping' through the computer.. What I mean by that is she may be in a viscous cylce of low self esteem= weight gain= lower self esteem=escape life through the computer, etc, etc, etc.

Maybe she doesn't think she 'can' lose the weight.. is there any type of physical activity she would like? Do you live where they have outdoor festivals or anything where walking would be required? 

If you could find something interesting like that maybe she would see it as something 'fun' to do and not translate it into 'exercise' in her mind, know what I mean?


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