# is, 'as good as it gets' good egnough?



## HDsocal (Nov 19, 2010)

Is ‘as good as it gets’, good enough…..

My sitch (well documented on here), Is more of a quality issue, my W doesn’t say no, but it is hardly an enthusiastic yes. Sex is less frequent than I want, around 2-3 times per month but as big of a problem is it is really lacking in spark. I have had the talk (a few times, bought books, toys lingerie) only to find myself back at passionless starfish sex.

Recently we had some ‘relationship special events’ that I was hoping would get her to raise the bar a bit, made some suggestions / requests. Ended up having the same, not to exciting sex, certainly nothing special for the ‘special occasion’. Fine for a Tuesday after work quickie but hardly anything remarkable (or even better than ordinary). I have tried setting the mood, being extra romantic (I’m usually a pretty romantic guy) but it ends in willing but far from wanting sex from her. 

It has never been great but certainly has gotten less inspired over the years. In my quest to have a great sex life with my W, the opposite has happened, my expectations keep lowering, yet still are not met.. Is ‘as good as it gets’ good enough? If not where do you go from here?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Only you can decide if it is good enough for you.

Is it? Are you willing to D over it?


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

It depends on if "as good as it gets" is her trying her best to be what you want or if it's her just doing enough to get by. At least to me her intention and effort would be very important when compared to the actual satisfaction. It depends a lot on you actually.


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## HDsocal (Nov 19, 2010)

there is almost no effort on her part, that has been the biggest ongoing frustration for me. It isn't like she has tried and failed, but has failed to try...


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Extremely unlikely she ever will unless you create instability / insecurity in the relationship. That has downside risk. So does allowing things to remain stable but unacceptable to you (stable until you "crack" and file for D). There is no easy or riskless way to bring about the change you desire. You have to decide which risk you are willing to take. As Rush said "if you choose not to decide you still have made a choice". And still have taken a risk.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

HDsocal said:


> there is almost no effort on her part, that has been the biggest ongoing frustration for me. It isn't like she has tried and failed, but has failed to try...


I read your previous threads.

There is only one thing left to do:

Inform her that you are not willing to continue this way for the rest of your life. Sometime, between now and the kid going off to college, you're out. That's it, don't say anything else.

Focus on yourself. Prepare for your first post divorce relationship. 

Start planning on when and how you will leave.

Do not initiate sex with her. Turn her down if she ever initiates.

Do nothing for her unless it is something you generally want to do.

Be consistently pleasant. Do not get angry. She is not important enough to you to make you have strong emotions one way or another.

This is the 180. It'll help you start the process of disengaging with her.

If she want to talk about what's going on, respond. Never bring the topic up yourself.

There is a small chance this will motivate her to give the marriage some effort. It probably won't.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Could sex be better? Probably. Could it be worse or non-existent? Absolutely. As we speak, people are married to drug dealers, child rapists, adulterers, addicts, abusers, thieves, psychos, serial killers, terrorists, fugitives, the completely sexless, the terminally ill, dishonest people, financially irresponsible people, mentally disabled, physically disabled, and the actually dead. Your marriage might not be Disneyland but it could be Hell. Your spouse is alive, has a brain, and all body parts necessary for her to ride you to a razor's edge of death. Her libido could change tomorrow. Compared to what you could be partnered with, she might be a living dream.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening 
If you have made your desires known, that is all you can do. She is doing all she can / will do. You need to decide if it is enough.

Don't stay in the hope that it will get better.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

HDsocal said:


> there is almost no effort on her part, that has been the biggest ongoing frustration for me. It isn't like she has tried and failed, but has failed to try...


Have you said it to her like that?

I agree with the others that you cannot effect a change until you shake things up. She needs to feel a need to change. Until then she is doing D- work. Just enough not to be graded F. You're looking for at least B or better level work, but you're letting her skate by with the D-, and she knows it.

Is this a big enough deal for you to really put your marriage on the line? If so, that is what you have to do. If not, sorry to say things will continue along the current trajectory.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

2 to 3x per month of completely unenthusiastic sex is not enough for me personally.

I went from circa 1x a month the last couple of years to circa 2x a month this year.

this brief improvement in frequency was not nearly enough for me.

I've come to the conclusion that I'd rather skip it altogether unless the frequency and quality is sufficient to not leave you "thirsty" all of the time.

Short of that threshold (whatever it is for you), it will be more maddening than fulfilling.

I bet you know which side you're on, otherwise you wouldn't be asking these questions.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

HDsocal said:


> there is almost no effort on her part, that has been the biggest ongoing frustration for me. It isn't like she has tried and failed, but has failed to try...


it's not important to her. that's why.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

HDsocal said:


> Is ‘as good as it gets’, good enough…..
> 
> .... Sex is less frequent than I want, around 2-3 times per month but as big of a problem is it is really lacking in spark.
> 
> ...


That all depends on what you are getting besides sex from the marriage.

One of the things that helped my wife and myself besides working with a sex therapist was attending a Drs Gottman weekend workshop. The first day is devoted to figuring out what is right with your marriage and why the two of you married in the first place and what you like about your partner and how good they are for you. Then the second day you work on identifying grid lock issues in the marriage and techniques for addressing them.

You and your wife sound like you could both benefit either from a video course or better yet couples workshop like the Gottman's have...... Gottman Training, Workshops, and Events -The Gottman Institute

Also getting some marriage counseling with a sex therapist really helped save my marriage.

Finally, one of the other things that I learned from reading MW Davis book the Sex Starved marriage is that I needed to Get a Life, so as to put less pressure on my wife and that I needed to do some 180's not to direct her to change, but to change the way she interacts with me, in a manner of her choosing. 

Good luck to you.


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## JoeHenderson (Oct 3, 2011)

For it started getting better when I didn't treat the fool's gold (our marriage) as real gold. I worked so hard to protect a status quo that was not working for me. As others are saying, find the things that lead to the "you" that you liked. She'll hopefully follow. It just doesn't sound like the status quo is working for you either. 

That said, I wouldn't mind a few more BJ's, but that's for another thread probably.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Struggling with this now. It's not great, it's not bad. It's just meh.

The counselor was prodding me yesterday, if I want more, what do I want?

The problem is, I don't even know what I want. I just know, it's not this. 

Doesn't give her much to go on, and I'm sure she is getting flustered. But I just really don't know what else to say about it. You can't describe a lack of spark. It's either there or it isn't. 

Husband is getting frustrated too. He wants to make changes, but I can't even direct him to what I want. Passion is a very tough thing to genuinely create. I'm not convinced it can be made.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Here's how the script kinda goes, man.

HD person puts pressure on LD person for more/better/kinkier sex.

LD person tries, but their heart really isn't in it.

So the HD person keeps trying other things to inspire lust... lingerie, toys, porn, whatever...

But the more the LD person gives in the more they don't desire sex.

Keep going this way, and one of you will give up and leave the other one, or you just get buried under resentment.

The way out of this mess is to see if your desires have a common overlap, in which case maybe you can 'make do' with it being just enough for both to stay.

If you can't, then you have to decide... do you freely want to pay the price of admission to be with her -- which is less sex than you want? And then have to not resent that?

Or do you go?

What you can't do is to ask her to spontaneously change her natural libido.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

Starfish sex is worse than infrequent sex as long as the infrequent sex is enthusiastic.


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