# After 24 years, what do we do now?



## OnMyOwn123 (Oct 19, 2012)

We were married in 1987, had our son in 1989. The marriage lasted 14 years. Ups and downs, but we loved eachother. Our son (in my opinion) was treated differently than his first son. We divorced 10 years ago, but we stayed together. Eventhough I initiated it due to his behavior, we both tried to stop it, but the judge said it was too late, the six month time frame still had three weeks on it.

Anyway, we lived in separate houses, but still did everything together, this went on for ten years. Yes, I tried to get us back in the same house, but he kept procrastinating. It turned out that he was involved with several young girls who began to take his attention away from the focus of our family. Within the last three years, he became mentally/verbally abusive to me. Would laugh at me, my children on separate ocassions. I could never do anything right. I started looking different to him, gained weight, my ass was flat (according to him) my hair wasn't right anymore.

I'd make plans for us to vacation, each year we went somewhere we'd never been. He went on vacation, but would never have sex with me, that went on for the last two of the three years. I promised I would never leave him again so I stayed eventhough I knew, something wasn't right. He did and said everything in his power to get me to walk out. He lied, started arguments, accused me of saying things, doing things, yelling at me, all the ****. 

He lied to our kids, making them believe that it was I who was having issues when in fact, it was all about him and what he was doing. My children now dont respond to his emails, phone calls or don't go see him. He moved and wouldnt tell them where he stayed fearing I'd find out and come stalk him, I guess. In the last days he said "those arent my kids, my kids wouldnt act like that", "I dont love you anymore", just angry at me.

I said to him, "May God Bless You" and I haven't picked up my phone to dial his digits since and I haven't seen him. In July 2012, my girlfriend ran into him, and he brought my name up in conversation. She ignored him and changed the subject. In the same month, he saw a guy I was with BEFORE I was with him, all of a sudden he introduced himself to the guy and let the guy know he used to be married to me. WTF?

He drives the bus, so now, his route goes past my job. I saw him twice. Once he rolled right up on me as I walked past the bus stop, opened the door on the bus, and do you know he looked, but didn't speak. I never looked his way, (my periphial vision works fine by the way). The second time, I was crossing the street, he rolled right on by, again, I wouldn't make eye contact. 

Im just confused at his tactics. Isn't he happier now that he drove us all away? He has these new younger girls to fill up his days with? I just made 50 and he just made 52. We have two beautiful grandchildren, our three kids are all adults now, the youngest 23. These girls are as young as 25 - 30. Why is he trying to be seen by me now? 

Sorry for ranting you guys, it still hurts, but Im trying to move forward. Anybody got any ideas of what might be happening from his point of view. :wtf: :rant:


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Has he ever had a psychiatric evaluation?


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Easier said than done but just keep letting him go do his own thing. He sounds as if he was abusive and cruel to you and the kids. As for why he's doing this, maybe these younger girls won't let him take out his unresolved anger on them and he's looking for a whipping post.

I'm so sorry you're going through this - sometimes people are cruel for reasons we can't possibly understand.


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## OnMyOwn123 (Oct 19, 2012)

To Hope1964; no he's never had one, but I looked up abuse online and he fit all but two of the characteristics. He's a narcissists.

To TCSRedhead; my kids and I talk about it sometimes and we wonder how he feels now that he's done what he's done. Is he really happier. I dont know why we would even care after all he's done. I guess that a part of the process. But, thank you, we're trying to move forward and let him be.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Sorry.

Haven't you moved past it?

Do you still have traces of love and affection for him?


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Sorry.

Haven't you moved past it?

Do you still have traces of love and affection for him?


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

*Your husband has made some mistakes that cannot be completely corrected.*
He has chosen his young girls over you and his children. He is a child molester as he has molested your children’s emotions. The proof of that is that they will have cut off all contact with him.


> Hope1964
> Why is he trying to be seen by me now?


He is 52 and his consequences of his choices are starting to get to him. He has made some mistakes that will not go away and you would be very foolish to have anything to do with him. He is toxic to you and he is not going to get much better.


At the best, he could show signs of remorse but that would be because he is having to live with his consequences. In other words he cares more about himself than he does you and that will not change. He had years and years to prove that he is not very selfish and what is his history? For years he choose his ego over his wife and children.  If he was in his teens or 20s then you could caulk it off to youth but this man did all of this in his 40s!!!

He won’t change much if any. *Anyone that disowns their children as a full grown adult in their 40s is very damaged goods. If you go back to him you will not recover*.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Maybe it's a power thing, is he proving that he can keep an eye on you if he wants to? Something ego driven, which would suit a narcissist.
I'm very happy that you got away from him! He's got some odd ways about him. You had the patience of a saint for many years.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

OnMyOwn123 said:


> To Hope1964; no he's never had one, but I looked up abuse online and he fit all but two of the characteristics. He's a narcissists.
> 
> To TCSRedhead; my kids and I talk about it sometimes and we wonder how he feels now that he's done what he's done. Is he really happier. I dont know why we would even care after all he's done. I guess that a part of the process. But, thank you, we're trying to move forward and let him be.


Your keeping this guy in the picture is synonymous to keeping a ten year old pair of shoes which have holes in the soles.
At fifty, it's time you think about living life for YOURSELF.


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## OnMyOwn123 (Oct 19, 2012)

To AngryandUsed; I'm getting over it, 24 years isn't just a drop in the hat. Your title is "angryandused", are you over it?
To Mr Blunt; thank you for your insight, I appreciate it.
To Indiecat; this could be a possibility, thank you.
To Hookares; Im on my way to the garbage can now, thanks.
To Learning; Yes, I appreciated her words as well as yours.

To all of you, I'm not going back, I had enough. The question was, "why is he trying to be seen by me now" after all that he's done, I would think he would be happier without me. But I keep hearing through mutual people that he brings up my name, that's the reason for my question, what do YOU think is going on with him. Thank you everybody, I really appreciate your insight. Hopefully at this point in my life, the right one will come along. God Bless You All.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Also some words of caution, continuing to consider his intentions, motives and such is allowing him free rent in your heart and mind. Don't let him be an emotional squatter in your new peaceful life. When others try to bring him up, I'd suggest smiling and just saying you've moved on, wish him well but you'd rather talk about something else.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OnMyOwn123 (Oct 19, 2012)

TCSRedhead; you're so right. I'll keep that in mind. Thanks again.


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