# Tired of emotionally abusive wife



## tired_husband (Nov 18, 2014)

Hi,

I apologize in advance if the post seems "inconsistent", I have A LOT to get off my chest and I am trying to summarize it.

I have been married for almost 5 years with my wife, and really for the first 3 1/2 years I have been manipulated, controlled, belittled, you name it. I feels that I cannot give enough to this woman, I keep thinking that pleasing her will make her happy, care about me and my feelings, but it just doesn't happen. When I say for the first 3 1/2 years, I say it because at one point I snapped and I seriously considered divorce, it did not happen but ever since then she toned down her behavior a bit.

I find myself constantly on edge, she will react differently to the same situation in different times, and always will blame me out of frustration, doesn't matter if something that happened was my fault or not.

The marriage is COMPLETELY unfair, even recognized by her, she gets to go out, drink and party, come home late (one time came home the next afternoon), but I can't even go to the freaking gym without her throwing a fit because she doesn't want to watch the kids. She gets to sleep in all the time while I get up with the kids, I couldn't ever. Whenever I bring it up it is just stonewalled, and out of mocking me she will say I am right, what I'm i going to do about it, Im screwed.

I do all of the laundry of the house by myself, I try to keep everything nice and neat, but God forbid I ask her to do something, she will say that she feels offended that I am telling or asking her to do something, but she has NO PROBLEM on asking me to do anything, this is crazy.

She is not a forgiving person either, if I get frustrated and I yell, raise my voice, anything like that, she will get mad, shut down, say I am being disrespectful and will not forgive me even if I recognize it and apologize.

We are always having arguments, basically because she will get pissed at little things (that according to her are important), and while I always try to give her the benefit of the doubt, it seems that EVERYTHING is important, so she feels justified when she is mean. When we are talking about something, she will make HUGE assumptions, and get mad at me because of her assumptions, without even giving little doubt to herself.

We have 2 kids (4 year old, 8 months), and most of the marriage I stayed trying for my first kid, I went to a therapist, the therapist told me I need to look out for my own mental health (after I started crying in her office).

There is a lot more, but that is the core of it, my wife is just extremely naturally selfish, and I am tired of coming up with patience and understanding to deal with her...

Can anyone offer me some advice, I have read a lot about emotional abuse, but even though the thought of terminating the marriage is on my mind, it is just not that simple...


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Dude:slap:
If you don't respect yourself who will?


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## ToothFairy (May 19, 2013)

Gosh.. I don't mean to be mean.. but GROW A PAIR!!


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## tired_husband (Nov 18, 2014)

Hi tom67,

I think I have just tried to get her to respect me by giving her a lot of love and care while being patient with her issues, but I just feel drained instead...


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## tired_husband (Nov 18, 2014)

Hi ToothFairy,

Ouch!, but you are probably right, I think the only time I did was a time where she was blatantly disrespecting me verbally, she wouldn't stop even when I asked calmly and nicely to stop.

I ended up punching 2 holes in a wooden door in the house, mind you, I have never and am not an aggressive person, but 3 years of belittling me, and treating me like sh*t just exploded.

In situations like this, is the only option to stand up for yourself and draw a hard line, or can something probably change? I probably know the answer, it is just hard to face...


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Are you a pleaser, seeking affection?

Why did you not get the divorce papers already?

You need to document your homelife, and voice record your arguments.

You may need the evidence in court, especially if you want custody of the children.

Your not detach enough yet, since you have not gotten the divorce papers ready.

Seek a good lawyer, and folloe their advice.

Create a strong supportive structure around you, via family and friends.

Get all your finances in order.

Do this under stealth. Don't threaten her with a divorce, she may placate you in false pretense.

It doesn't seem like she is above manipulation.

You have to view her as your opponent, and you would not show your opponent your hand.

I would not be surprise if she cheated on you either.


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## tired_husband (Nov 18, 2014)

Hi Mr.Fisty,

I have just tried really hard to make it work, tried lots of things, pleasing her one of them.

I have stayed through this because of my kids.

Honestly I have all the cards, I am the provider, I can easily take total control of the finances, I have just tried to not be heartless like her and manipulate her in the way she has done to me.

There is a probability that she has cheated on me, but that is another long story... and obviously she would never admit it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

tired_husband said:


> Hi ToothFairy,
> 
> Ouch!, but you are probably right, I think the only time I did was a time where she was blatantly disrespecting me verbally, she wouldn't stop even when I asked calmly and nicely to stop.
> 
> ...


When ToothFairy suggested that you GROW A PAIR, she did not mean things like exploding and putting holes in the wall.

Yes you have to draw a hard line. Again the does not mean angry outbursts and destruction of property. Do you only have two levels of coping? Be doormat or fly off the handle? There is a middle ground. 

That middle ground is when you tell her that that nonsense and disrespect has to stop. Either she goes to marriage counseling with you and learns to be a respectful, loving marriage partner or it's divorce. You have to mean it too.

I suggest that you get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and keep it on your person where she cannot see it. Get her ugly/hateful outbursts on recording. Don't tell her that you are doing this. Why? Because she'll deny it in counseling. So you can play the recordings for the counselor.

Whatever you do, if you decide to divorce, do not move out until there is an interim parenting plan in place. You need to see an attorney to find out your rights.

To be honest, abusive people seldom change. Give counseling 3 months. If she has not completely stopped the abuse, I think you have no choice but to divorce her.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

I don't think you want your wife as a role model for your children.

Fact is they need structure , and role models to emulate.

There is a good chance that one , if not both could end up like your wife.

They will learn relationship dynamics between the two of you.

Right now, they are creating their personality,a behavior, and world view from the two of you.

The best thing for your children may be leaving.

Keep bonding with them, and show them what a healthy adult should be.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

13 Signs Your Wife or Girlfriend is a Borderline or a Narcissist | A Shrink for Men
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Set some boundaries and enforce them. She will listen when she sees they are enforced.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

tired_husband said:


> Hi Mr.Fisty,
> 
> *I have just tried really hard to make it work, tried lots of things, pleasing her one of them.
> *
> ...


Well now you know that rewarding her bad behavior won't work. Maybe you should try a different tactic.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

tired_husband said:


> Can anyone offer me some advice, I have read a lot about emotional abuse.


TH, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., strong verbal abuse, frequent temper tantrums, always being "The Victim" (i.e., blaming you for every misfortune), and black-white thinking -- are some of the red flags for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and/or NPD (Narcissistic PD).

One important difference between these two is that, whereas a BPDer is emotionally unstable, a narcissist typically is very stable. Another big difference is that, whereas a BPDer is capable of loving you (albeit in an immature way), a full-blown narcissist is incapable of truly loving you.

Importantly, you will not be able to determine whether your W's NPD or BPD traits are so severe that she has the full-blown disorder. Only professionals can do that. You nonetheless are capable of spotting any strong warning signs for BPD or NPD that are occurring -- if you take a little time to learn what behaviors are red flags. Spotting them is not difficult, especially after living with a woman for 5 years, because there is nothing subtle about red flags such as temper tantrums, strong verbal abuse, and always being "The Victim."

I therefore suggest you read about these behavioral traits so you know what to look for. An easy place to start is my list of red flags at 18 BPD Warning Signs. (The list in the blog cited by Dutchman also is excellent.) If most of those signs sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Maybe's Thread. If that description rings any bells, I would be glad to join Dutchman, Fisty, and the other respondents in discussing them with you. Take care, TH.


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## Viseral (Feb 25, 2011)

tired_husband said:


> Hi Mr.Fisty,
> 
> 
> 
> ...



You have to kill the nice guy inside of you. 

Kill Mr Nice Guy, then quit trying to please your wife at all. Just walk out one night and don't tell her where you're going. Make her get used to you calling the shots for a while.

You actually don't have all the cards. You have a pair of two's at best. If you divorce she will most likely get the house and the kids, and you'll be impoverished paying alimony, child support, and handing over a good chunk of your retirement.

So if you're contemplating divorce then get used to not being a nice guy at all. Your only hope is to grow more of a spine and demand more respect from your wife, which could actually make the marriage a lot better.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

She's a bully. 

You're an abuse magnet.

Didn't your dad teach you how to stand up to bullies? You blindside them with a tour de force and they back down like the cowards they are. Simple.

The part that's not simple is how to get you to grow some balls and man up to her. 

It's a state of mind. 

Suppress your inner wimp. (nice guy)


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## lifelesson01 (Nov 3, 2014)

There are children involved, but they are quite young. You should try the counseling route (together and independent if possible) and then if it doesn't work go the divorce route. I really think you should give it a try at working, but not for too long if it isn't working so that you can make the changes that are necessary while your children are still young.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Take control of the finances. Shut down her atm and credit cards, change your online access. Open up a new account in your name only and have your salary put in there. That'll wake her up.

Stop taking her crap. Just do the above, and once it's done tell her.

Then tell her you're sick and tired of being treated this way, and it stops now. THEN tell her you're going to the pub, and GO.


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

You allow people to treat you that way. Plain and simple. 

Yes, you are what people call "mr. Nice guy". 

Stop that behaviour now. Start pleasing yourself. Not her. 

I assume she stays home with kids? Let her do laundry. 

The more you try and please her, the more she sh!ts on you. So stop!! 

Do not engage in arguments, that's what she wants. She wants to get you going and then she wins.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

frusdil said:


> Take control of the finances. Shut down her atm and credit cards, change your online access. Open up a new account in your name only and have your salary put in there. *That'll wake her up.*
> 
> Stop taking her crap. Just do the above, and once it's done tell her.
> 
> *Then tell her you're sick and tired of being treated this way, and it stops now. THEN tell her you're going to the pub, and GO.*


^ ^ ^:iagree:

THIS. Do THIS now! You want to see an immediate shift in the "balance of power" -- then do this.

Dole out a small "allowance" to her each week. Let her feel the consequences of her bad behavior. Act like a child? You get treated like a child with allowance -- no more carte blanche access to the money.

But I bet you won't do it because you seem to be afraid of her.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

My first through before I read the comments was NPD/BPD. I lived it. You will never win her respect - she isn't capable of giving it.

I would not give an ultimatum. She'll capitulate briefly and once you think things are tolerable it will go right back to the way it was, as you have already seen.

I would, however, silently do the 180 and stop doing her share of things. Make the kids your primary focus. Is this the kind of marriage you want your kids to have? I'm guessing not, which means you need to set a better example.

Do get a VAR, do consult an attorney. At least you will be well armed with knowledge - you don't have to act on it. But if things do go the divorce route you'll know what you can or cannot do (is the VAR admissible, etc.) and you'll be one step ahead.

Often Nice Guys are the other half of the equation with a BPD/NPD. Familiarize yourself with Codependent No More. I also suggest you begin seeing a counselor. Both for your own mental state and potentially for court to show you are motivated to be the best person and father you can be. 

And do not engage. If she becomes unreasonable, ignore her. If she blows up into a rage, record it. Perhaps now is the time for a nanny cam or security camera in the living room. There are great options now that come pre-disguised, some are wireless... it depends on what you need and what you can afford. 

Go ahead and set the boundaries of what should be expected, do not do her share, gather evidence and remain cool. If this can be fixed she will be willing to go to marriage counseling and do the necessary work both around the house and in the marriage. If not, you will be prepared for the inevitability of divorce. 

Good luck.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

tired_husband said:


> ...she gets to go out, drink and party, come home late (one time came home the next afternoon)


Wait...WHAT?



tired_husband said:


> We have 2 kids (4 year old, 8 months),


You don't even really know what your problem is, do you? You stay home and babysit while the mother of your infant and a toddler is out out cruising the meat markets and you are worried that you have to do all of the laundry?

Let me guess...She drank too much and this REALLY nice gentleman she met at the bar INSISTED she spend the night on his sofa instead of driving. What a guy! Or, more likely, she didn't offer up a WORD in explanation and you, being the beta you are, didn't push it, right? My money is on B.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Mr. Tired.

Are you prepared to act? If the answer is yes read further, if not proceed to log off and live with this either forever or until she finds a more lucrative relationship option. 

Lets begin.

Your wife was, in the initial stage, loving, kind, gentle, sweet, you name it. You were on cloud nine. She was the one, you knew so. IT even happened real fast I bet, and before you knew it you were married but this was of little consequence since you were in love. 

Now you can't put your finger on when but you do remember some arguments that started legitimately by one another, yet you would almost always relent to her decree's, spend less time with friends since she missed spending time with you and such. But you felt compelled to since she is your wife and you do indeed love her. 

As time went on the insidious nature of the relationship equality scale tipped in her favor, slowly but surely. I bet you do more than laundry. Dishes, general clean up, the not so fun shopping. Working overtime to make money for needs she says she feels everyone needs. racking up debt without even talking to you about it. Sleeping all the time when you are home, or getting mysteriously injured, or inconveniently sick all of the sudden or some other incapacitating status so she can detach from the family. She acts awesome in public, friendly, outgoing and caring to others and even you as well. But in private....Not so much. She either wants, demands or already has control of the money and no matter how much you make it is never enough.

Since you know your not crazy let me tell you that to begin any counter offensive to her you first need to start to work on yourself. Since you are here you have already reached your limit for how much you can tolerate. People here will tell you to grow some balls and stand up to her but after years of intravenous emotional terrorism you have little, if any, self esteem or respect to draw from, it just isn't that simple.

So to start, you must prepare. You are dealing with an adult child who has the inability to cope with adult feelings or self soothe yet is not only involved in adult conflicts but can make adult decisions with lasting consequences. If you have a joint account end it now, take out what you feel is appropriate and leave the remainder, then open your own account with sole access only to you. Do not tell her about this, and yes she will be angry, we'll get to this later.

Only do chores associated to you and your children. Do not wash her clothes, do her dishes or pick up her messes. Isolate her remnants and do not point them out until she asks why you are not doing x,y,z. Then kindly tell her why, no more or less. 

Refocus your attention on the children, who are also a little unruly towards you I bet, and establish parental discipline and bond with your children. Her level of anger is being installed in them and it is up to you to remedy this and make sure they are taken care of. 

Do not take calls from her at work whilst she is angry, or disrespectful, simply hang up, say nothing and repeat as needed until she gets the message. Take any and all valuable material to you and remove them from the marital home away from her reach. Your rebellion against her will not be taken lightly and you must assume she can and will destroy objects of meaning to you to hurt you, if she hasn't already. 

Now she should be a critical mass at this point and when she gets there her level of anger at you breaking free will be frightening. Now, I know from experience what you feel when this happens. Indecisive, timid, fearful, drained, defeated..... So respond in kind. indifference. You cannot win with anger or any emotion really, begging, pleading, logic, negotiations, nothing. But the stoic truth will make you feel better and in time, although her rage will increase at first, once she see's this front of indifference she will learn to approach conflicts with a better demeanor, but not for your sake, hers of course. 

Next come's what you want. What do you want sir. Are you ready to move on? or are you ready to move forward? or both? Yes they are different. 

Once you figure this out come back.


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## tonedef (Aug 7, 2014)

She sounds like a nightmare! Okay, first of all please please stop meeting her abuse with love and affection to get respect. Its telling her its okay to treat him like sh!t because he doesn't stand up for himself and it also validates her feelings. She is like a highschool bully. She picks on you because you're easy prey and you nice your way out of stuff, and that only makes her disrespect you even more. And guess what- your kids will learn to disrespect you also. Time to put your foot down in a constructive way. I think the 180 would benefit you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

tired_husband said:


> Hi tom67,
> 
> I think I have just tried to get her to respect me by giving her a lot of love and care while being patient with her issues, but I just feel drained instead...


Well that stops NOW. Treat her like she treats you. Better yet, start the 180 on her and detach. You need to face the fact that this woman has zero respect or love for you and she will not change. Tell her you want to start counseling together. Then when she refuses, because she WILL refuse... go dark on her and start your escape plan. Separate your money into your own account and retain an attorney.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

3Xnocharm said:


> Well that stops NOW. Treat her like she treats you. Better yet, start the 180 on her and detach. You need to face the fact that this woman has zero respect or love for you and she will not change. Tell her you want to start counseling together. Then when she refuses, because she WILL refuse... go dark on her and start your escape plan. Separate your money into your own account and retain an attorney.


This^^^
BUT carry a var on you so you don't have a false RO and get kicked out of the house because she won't like losing control.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I don't think you should go the "treat her as she treats me" road, that won't get you anywhere. I DO think you should do as I suggested in my other post, and then what the others said re focussing on your children.

Stop doing her laundry, cooking her dinner and anything else you do for her - simply because you don't do these things for people who treat you with disrespect, not to "get back at her".

Model mature behaviour for your children. They may not see it now but when they're adults they'll marvel at how you were able to stay married to this witch.

100% agree with Enjoli, go see a lawyer so you know your rights. You don't have to act on anything but knowledge is power my friend.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Being an ass isn't the same as abusive, IMHO. But it doesn't make her behaviour any more right. But the only reason she gets away with it is because you let her. 

C


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

SOME of the things you're complaining about have merit, some don't.

I think she feels she doesn't get to have time to herself. You go to work and gym and she's home all day and evening with them. So, find a babysitter for a few hours while you're at the gym. Or, take them with you, most gyms have babysitting services available.

She probably only gets to sleep in on the weekends, just like you. Split it evenly, she gets up Saturday and you take Sunday mornings with the kids. Take them out of breakfast so she gets some peace...

The staying out all night partying happened ONCE. And that's all she'll ever get. She'll come home to an empty house the next time. Homey don't play that "I wanna party like a rock star" attitude when there's children involved. Sure, go out with the girls every once in awhile, but come home. Or there won't BE a home to come back to.

As much as it seems one sided that she's a poor excuse for a human, you DID marry her, you DID have children with her. So there HAS to be a redeeming quality in there somewhere.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Revamped said:


> As much as it seems one sided that she's a poor excuse for a human, you DID marry her, you DID have children with her. So there HAS to be a redeeming quality in there somewhere.


Yeah, she provided sex on a constant basis and didn't use protection....... Welcome to Earth.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

Mr.Fisty said:


> I don't think you want your wife as a role model for your children.
> 
> Fact is they need structure , and role models to emulate.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

good ponit. something that does not often occurr to people is that a tremendously bad spouse is likely not that good a parent either. the two roles are not unrelated. from his description of his wife, OP's children would be better off with a kind and caring stepmother than they are with her.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

Revamped said:


> SOME of the things you're complaining about have merit, some don't.
> 
> I think she feels she doesn't get to have time to herself. You go to work and gym and she's home all day and evening with them. So, find a babysitter for a few hours while you're at the gym. Or, take them with you, most gyms have babysitting services available.
> 
> ...


ReVamp:
just wanting to respond to what you said above (bolded).

He married her, he had children with her, but that DOES NOT mean she has redeeming qualities. if she is a real case of NPD then her putting on a 'false front' could very well be 2nd nature to her. In fact she may have a truly magnificent exterior - not just physically but personaility-wise as well. that exterior is what gets her through life. how she can get good boyfriends, husbands, good high-paying jobs perhaps. but her interior - her real self deep down - is truly rotten. her husbands, employers, friends etc. discover that rotten interior only after extended experience with her, when it becomes harder for them to extricate themselves from her.

OP - I don't think this kind of person should get a 2nd chance at anything. some people are just not marriage material. I think you married one.


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## SimplyCrushed (Nov 21, 2014)

Had to ask a maybe obvious/bitter sounding question... but why not use birth control if you are in a marriage like this? 

There are 2 young children in the picture. This freaking kills me. 

Sorry but being preggers and actually HAPPY until someone went mental breakdown makes me think that a lot of people don't care about the consequences of unprotected sex.
In my case he was not abusive and this was discussed (happened a lot sooner though).

I suggest that you think about that while you are sleeping with her... you know.. kid #3 soon and in a relationship with someone you obviously HATE.

Now try parenting with someone like that when you are divorced.

This thread really peeved me off. Possibly just hormones though.. so sorry if you are offended. I am just amazed at the human race lately.


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