# Too little too late



## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

Hello-
I guess I will dive right in and hope for the best. I have been married 14 years, have two kids preteen. One week and a day ago my h was outed by me for having an affair. He has "fallen in love" with a tow (the other woman) from an online game. "They are soul mates" he says. Four weeks ago the change happened. He closed himself off, lying to me about loving me and wanting to try for our marriage. Lying to me about who he was talking to. Lying to our kids. I sought counciling, he didn't want to. I'm still going and he is still cheating.
He told me he wants a divorce and to get a lawyer. So I did. He is still living in our home like everything is normal. Yesterday he looked over the divorce papers and wants me to go make a page worth of changes and he tells me he will be going to visit tow next week.
I know I've done a lot wrong, I know I can't keep going as things are and I know that at this moment I have no backbone and I am beat down. 
I have been counciled to kick him out and let him get his own lawyer. I am a stay at home mom who was getting her degree while he worked. I am afraid that if I say the wrong thing he will make it all very nasty. I don't want that for the kids or myself.
Any advice would help.
Thanks all.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Implement the 180 immediately to detach from him. Remove him from your bedroom if you haven't. Ask him to move out. Don't agree to any changes in your divorce paperwork without discussing with your attorney.

He's made the choice. The worst thing you can do is give him any inclination that you will stick around to be his plan B.

Sorry you're here.


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

Get a GOOD lawyer. 

Usually what happens in cases like yours whether it's the husband or wife doing what he's doing is it turns out the grass is not always greener on the other side. 

Your husband is in affair fog. He thinks he found a perfect woman. Well that only lasts for a short time. He may even beg to come back. Don't fall for it. 

So he wants to make it nasty for you even though he's the one who cheated?!?!

You most likely will get alimony and child support. Take the max you can get. 

Don't beg him to stay and document his time with OW. 

You get a backbone by doing a "180". Google that term if you don't know what it is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## foolishheart (Jul 15, 2015)

Look - learn from my mistakes - 180 is an absolute must. Get your own good lawyer and keep moving forward. This will cost him in the end. Don't be plan B, you will be fine. Do not under any circumstances try to nice him back. Go hard and move on.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Kick him out, let him get his own lawyer and don't change the divorce papers. Don't talk to him about the financial aspects of the divorce, leave that to your lawyer. Don't worry about saying the wrong thing things are probably going to get nasty anyway. 

I'm sorry you are going through this, it's so sad to hear that a husband/Dad will leave his family to be with another women. He doesn't even care how this is going to effect his children.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

This is some possibly poor advice being given. I say possibly because we don't know what the changes are that he wants. Odds are they're to his benefit but until honeysuckle04 fills us in we don't really know which way she should jump.

Honeysuckle04, show the changes he wants to your lawyer and get his opinion. Find out if giving him what he wants to make him go away will be cheaper than fighting it out in court. Don't be too quick to give him everything, negotiate with him, but not until you know where you stand.

The sooner you get him out of there the sooner you'll heal from this. If what he wants is not excessive and won't leave you in too bad a position give it to him to get him out of there.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Nucking Futs said:


> This is some possibly poor advice being given. I say possibly because we don't know what the changes are that he wants. Odds are they're to his benefit but until honeysuckle04 fills us in we don't really know which way she should jump.
> 
> Honeysuckle04, show the changes he wants to your lawyer and get his opinion. Find out if giving him what he wants to make him go away will be cheaper than fighting it out in court. Don't be too quick to give him everything, negotiate with him, but not until you know where you stand.
> 
> The sooner you get him out of there the sooner you'll heal from this. If what he wants is not excessive and won't leave you in too bad a position give it to him to get him out of there.




:iagree:

You can also use his wanting out in your favor in Divorce proceedings, weigh the cost of fighting it out. 

You do need to read up on the 180 and put that into action.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Nucking Futs said:


> This is some possibly poor advice being given. I say possibly because we don't know what the changes are that he wants. Odds are they're to his benefit but until honeysuckle04 fills us in we don't really know which way she should jump.
> 
> Honeysuckle04, show the changes he wants to your lawyer and get his opinion. Find out if giving him what he wants to make him go away will be cheaper than fighting it out in court. Don't be too quick to give him everything, negotiate with him, but not until you know where you stand.
> 
> The sooner you get him out of there the sooner you'll heal from this. If what he wants is not excessive and won't leave you in too bad a position give it to him to get him out of there.


Agreed 100%

Also, a court battle will increase the bad feelings between you and make it harder to co-parent your kids. The unfortunate thing about affairs is you get to deal with his mess and the aftermath, even though you didn't do the misdeed. Make sure talk with your counselor and ask what you need to do to minimize the impact on your kids. My counselor was very clear. No fighting, no blaming each other, no talking about the affair, etc. around the kids. You are also very early in the process so take a couple of weeks to calm down before you make any major decisions. Filing for D is fine but the negotiations can wait until the two of you are in a less emotional state.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I'd suggest instead of asking your lawyer the questions have your lawyer discuss the changes directly with your husband. Don't let your husband pull your strings to get you on his side for changes. Tell him that he'll have to call your lawyer.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

When he goes to work, smash the computer he is using to game with.


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

Thank you all for the sound advice. You have given me courage.
The kids and I are at my folks house for the weekend and their love helps too.
I will google the 180 and go forth ahead with it. 
I believe I have a good lawyer. My h keeps threatening to get his own and make it nasty but today I was in the mind frame to say so be it. 
The changes he wanted were wording that is standard but he wanted it in his favor. 
After his 5th call today I told him to call the lawyer if he had questions. Amazing how his fingers were not broken after all and he could actually do it on his own.
He wanted this and yet I'm the one, like mentioned earlier, cleaning up after his mess and trying desperately to right our world.
He also keeps throwing tow in my face and in my kids faces, like I need the reminder. 
I hope when we get back to our very sad and tension filled home he will be gone. 
Thank you for letting me share and vent. It is hard to hear people say it will be ok when they haven't been through it.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

How does he know that this "love of his life" gamer isn't a 350 lb MALE inmate???

Ask him how he will like THEM apples...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

The morning after the reveal he shoved his wedding ring at me and then asked if I wanted to see her pics. Of course I declined but my children have already spoken to her over Skype when h and her talk or do other "things" while in the house, in our dd room where he stays.


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

honeysuckle04 said:


> Thank you all for the sound advice. You have given me courage.
> The kids and I are at my folks house for the weekend and their love helps too.
> I will google the 180 and go forth ahead with it.
> I believe I have a good lawyer. My h keeps threatening to get his own and make it nasty but today I was in the mind frame to say so be it.
> ...




They are saying it will be ok because once you get this loser out of your life you can find a decent guy to have in you and your kids life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

MAJDEATH said:


> When he goes to work, smash the computer he is using to game with.


And get arrested and in court? 

That is NOT a good idea.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

honeysuckle04 said:


> The morning after the reveal he shoved his wedding ring at me and then asked if I wanted to see her pics. Of course I declined but my children have already spoken to her over Skype when h and her talk or do others "things" while in the house, in our dd room where he stays.


How despicable. I thought my cheating STBX was bad. This is disgusting. Come to think of it, though - he thought he was being real considerate by texting her in the bathroom for hours, or pacing around in the driveway while talking to her on his cell phone. There's a guy in my neighborhood I see doing that almost every evening on my walks, now. I'm this || close to saying to him, "You're not fooling anyone, Cheater."

You sound like you're in a much stronger place than I was a week after I found out. (Or now.)

Yeah, ain't it funny how they discover they can actually make phone calls all by themselves to places of business when we won't do it for them anymore?

We're worthy of so much more than these idiots.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Nomorebeans said:


> How despicable. I thought my cheating STBX was bad. This is disgusting. Come to think of it, though - he thought he was being real considerate by texting her in the bathroom for hours, or pacing around in the driveway while talking to her on his cell phone. There's a guy in my neighborhood I see doing that almost every evening on my walks, now. I'm this || close to saying to him, "You're not fooling anyone, Cheater."
> 
> You sound like you're in a much stronger place than I was a week after I found out. (Or now.)
> 
> ...


I know someone who does the walking around outside with his mobile business. It appears his wife doesn't like him taking work related calls at home so she punishes him by making him take them outside. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> I know someone who does the walking around outside with his mobile business. It appears his wife doesn't like him taking work related calls at home so she punishes him by making him take them outside.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This dude ain't talking about work. He's talking in hushed tones even while outside.

There was another guy I'd see on my walks that would walk back and forth near the park in our neighborhood doing that. I didn't think much of it at first - I've certainly talked to my brother or a friend here and there while I'm walking. But I saw him out there in the same spot regularly - and he wasn't walking like he was exercising. He was strolling - sometimes barely ambulating, sometimes in work clothes.

And there's just a look to them. A guilty look. I swear I can sniff these guys out like a bloodhound now.


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## Blacksmith01 (Aug 12, 2013)

Quit trying to right your world. Your world will be right once you cut the dead weight out of your life.


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

Got home from staying the last four days with my folks. H's sister and father have called the house. My councilor said to call them back if I felt comfortable enough to do so without being emotional or confrontational. So I did. 
They aren't upset with me but are upset with h. I found out that he did make his trip up to see the ow and he has proposed to her and she has accepted. That gave me a moment for pause but the pain and panic didn't come so I don't know what to do or how to feel about it. This affair is an online one that is only a couple of months old. So what now?


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

honeysuckle04 said:


> Got home from staying the last four days with my folks. H's sister and father have called the house. My councilor said to call them back if I felt comfortable enough to do so without being emotional or confrontational. So I did.
> They aren't upset with me but are upset with h. I found out that he did make his trip up to see the ow and he has proposed to her and she has accepted. That gave me a moment for pause but the pain and panic didn't come so I don't know what to do or how to feel about it. This affair is an online one that is only a couple of months old. So what now?


I am so sorry! Your husband is so far into the fog that he is announcing his engagement to his AP? Now that you know they are anxious to get this divorce done (so they can marry), take full advantage! Get all you can and more in the divorce while he is still anxious to get it done. If he balks at your terms just let it drag on some more. You didn't want this and if he wants you to cooperate (and apparently do all the work for the divorce), be sure the terms favor you in a big way! You're not in any hurry so just take your time and get what you need to provide for you and your children for a good long time to come.

But really, he must be nuts! To propose a couple weeks after being discovered in an affair. And he has met this person once! Just wait until they have to tolerate each other day after day. Karma will get him.


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

I am thinking I may need to find out what my rights are to be able to ahead and move with the kids back home, find a job and move on. Can I try for sole custody? That is what I want most. He acts as if the kids are an inconvenience to him anyway.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

You need to immediately inform your lawyer that he/she works only for you and husband needs to get his own lawyer. If your current lawyer refuses to do this then you must find a lawyer of your own.

Im sorry to say that he will only get nastier. You cant nice him out of this. You need to implement the 180, tell him his on his own regarding the lawyers and kick him out of the bedroom. If he wont go than pack our stuff and move them to the spare room.

Im no legal expert in your state but if you were a stay at home mum than the odds are in your favour. Your husband knows this thats why he is insisiting on sharing the same lawyer amicably.

In other words he is trying to screw you over in regards to your rights whilst pretending to be all friendly over the break up.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

A lawyer cannot serve two masters.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Inform him he needs to get his own lawyer. Then, let your lawyer know he is representing only you. If he has a problem get a new lawyer.

Dont ask your lawyer to make changes, discuss it with him to see how your husbands request affects you and the kids. Get your lawyers advice and work with that. You want to stay in the home, get child support and spousal support until the kids can care for themselves and full custody.

Don't buy his "I am so nice to you" act. That viper is going to strike and attack soon. So beware.


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

I received a text today between h and an xcoworker. He intends to stay with the ow at least until the 10th of August and he intends to accept a new job but not start until the 31st of August. What am I suppose to do for bills and living expenses for a month when he isn't supporting us???
All the bills and loans and car and house are in his name. What if he is going to let the house and car go and screw me out of it all???

Starting a good panick here. 

Lawyer is mine and paid for. He isn't in office until tomorrow though.

Any help to stay sane for the next day's would help.


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

Can he marry the ow in her state while still married to me?


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

As others have said, your husband is out of his freaking mind to rush into another marriage with this person he barely knows. It has less than a 3% chance of being a successful one. Only 3% of exit affairs survive as long term relationships. Couple that with the odds of a long distance relationship that becomes a marriage too soon surviving - less than 3%.

Also as others have said, get a lawyer - preferably a shark - that is yours only and take this idiot to the cleaners. Not out of spite, but because you need to get yourself and your children everything you're entitled to.

Let me tell you something you may not be aware of, and mention it to your lawyer - if he spent a bunch of the marital assets on an engagement ring and/or to travel to see her, he needs to pay that back to you. And if you don't live in a No Fault state, you can charge him with Adultery and her with Alienation of Affection. Mainly, seek out sole custody, maximum child support, and maximum alimony. If he's earned any pension with his company while married to you, you're entitled to part of that when he retires, too. And part of his IRA/401K.

Bottom line, lawyer up and get all your terms in writing fast, while he's still thinking like an idiot.

I'm really sorry this is happening to you. I know firsthand that it sucks out loud. Don't worry, though - the Karma bus is coming for him. Maybe not as soon as you'd like, but it will come.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

As a follow up, he can't spend any of the marital assets on her or to live with her while you're still married. Tell your lawyer about all this right away and find out what your rights are in this area.

I can't believe polygamy is legal in any state except Utah (if it even is there).

Find out from your lawyer if it's punishable if he tries it, and what the punishment would be. Jail would be nice - that Karma bus may be coming sooner than I thought.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Polygamy is illegal in all states.
Do not panic. Panic is your enemy.
What you need is eyes wide open and a plan.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Start putting together what you do have.
How much longer do you have until you finish school?
What job skills do you have?
Do you know exactly where your husband is and where he is going to work at?


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

honeysuckle04 said:


> I received a text today between h and an xcoworker. He intends to stay with the ow at least until the 10th of August and he intends to accept a new job but not start until the 31st of August. *What am I suppose to do for bills and living expenses for a month when he isn't supporting us???*
> All the bills and loans and car and house are in his name. What if he is going to let the house and car go and screw me out of it all???
> 
> Starting a good panick here.
> ...


Your husband is NOT allowed to cut you off cold. Until the divorce is final he has to keep things (like auto payments) going as they were.

Get in touch with your lawyer, make sure that he IS your lawyer, and get his advice on what to do. Most likely your lawyer will ask a judge for a court order telling your husband what he must do.

Pay attention to what others are saying about living with the other woman and spending money on her. He's not allowed to do that. Half that money is yours, right off the top. Bring all this to your lawyer's attention too.

And of course you can ask for sole custody. And you may well get it in the end.


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

I do know where he is (Utah lol) and where he is going to work (Texas).
I have one solid year left for school.

I have to just make it through today until tomorrow. 
Why does the law move slower than the betrayers of the world?


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Yes, get your lawyer to file for a temporary order and/or legal separation with terms of support for the time being, laid out. Be sure to get some type of enforcement proviso in case he''s a total s*it, too--like his wages will be garnished if he fails to do X, Y, or Z.

The reality for him will be, he's on the hook for whatever doesn't get paid (according to the court) b/c he was supporting you and you were supporting the family with unpaid labor. He does *not* get to walk away--and if he makes the financial situation worse, the court will require HIM to repay whatever mess he creates. 

In the meantime, make a budget that is on the generous side--for you and the kids. Don't stop to think, "I can make do with . . ." If you do that, he'll be trying to whittle down from the bare minimum you need to survive, and you'll end up in debt. This is NOT to punish him. This is to make sure you live comfortably without incurring debt while re-establishing yourself/finishing school. 

Do not take on work that cuts into your schooling or parenting--he can shoulder that burden (as he was doing) until you are truly ready to re-enter the job market full time, with skills that will allow you to earn enough to maintain yourself and your kids without him. Then he'll be responsible for child support, but you will be debt-free and earning enough money to meet your obligations, so his support will give you some room to save for your future without him.

Do not think of punishing him--think only of what you and the kids need to be comfortable and happy for the next several years, and what you will need to be comfortably single, if that is the direction your life goes, for as long as necessary. 

Limit conversations to things the kids need and want. Try really hard not to say bad things about their dad--that is what messes kids up, feeling torn between parents. Vent to friends and siblings, but do not drag the kids into this. It will be hard, but try to help them establish a healthy relationship with their dad. They'll "get it" later when much older; hang on to that. 

Good luck.


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

Unfortunately the kids are already wise beyond their years. They know all what is going on, they see how their dad was, is and probably will be forever. They are taking it as well as can be expected. My 13 year old is very angry and not wanting to talk about it at all. My 11 year old is torn between loving his dad and feeling rejected with all the emotions in between. No matter what encouragements I say to them (this isn't their fault, he isn't divorcing you just me, nothing can be done to change his mind, he will always love you and be your dad, etc.) they are having a hard time believing me. 
I read somewhere that you shouldn't believe what you hear from the ws and even less of what you see or something very similar. I can't help but wonder if that is true and if that means I cannot count on him to follow through with his word. He said he would support me, pay for me to finish school, keep close to the kids, be there for me if I ever need him, blah, blah, blah. So it would be best to know those were all lies so he could make himself feel better right?


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

honeysuckle04 said:


> Unfortunately the kids are already wise beyond their years. They know all what is going on, they see how their dad was, is and probably will be forever. They are taking it as well as can be expected. My 13 year old is very angry and not wanting to talk about it at all. My 11 year old is torn between loving his dad and feeling rejected with all the emotions in between. No matter what encouragements I say to them (this isn't their fault, he isn't divorcing you just me, nothing can be done to change his mind, he will always love you and be your dad, etc.) they are having a hard time believing me.


You can only speak for yourself. Telling your children that their dad loves them, will always love them, etc. is not something you can know. He appears to be trying to leave them destitute. That is not love. Telling them these things about their father is likely to cause them deeper pain and confusion. Stick to telling them that you will always love them, etc. Explain that you are sorry, but you really can't speak for their dad and he should speak for himself.


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

I would like to put out there that his "plan" was to separate from me, continue with this affair, move us to where his new job will be, build me my dream house, let me finish school, get a job then he was going to divorce me. That was before he was outted of course. What a nice man, so caring.
Would anybody have taken that deal? Am I the only idiot that has too much pride and couldn't live with myself that way?
No chance of trying, no getting help. He told me there was only so much he was willing to do for our marriage.
Current emotion check-I've lost count.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

What is he saying now? Has he told you how he plans to support his family?


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

You are right. I will be sure to do better to make sure they know that I love them, that I will be here for them no matter what.
If he wasn't involved while he was here are his chances likely to fade away from their lives pretty high?


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## sparrow555 (Jun 27, 2015)

What do you know about the other woman?How old is she? where does she work? find info about her.

Maybe inform her family too .


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

He said that before he got caught. Now he isn't saying a thing to me. He is in his fantasy land with the ow so he doesn't need me at all anymore.

I only know what he has told me about her. She is 34, divorced two months, has her doctorate in pharmaceuticals, has two DDS near the same age as our kids. She is his soulmate, his angel, has a beautiful backside, likes what she says, even how she procrastinates.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

honeysuckle04 said:


> You are right. I will be sure to do better to make sure they know that I love them, that I will be here for them no matter what.
> If he wasn't involved while he was here are his chances likely to fade away from their lives pretty high?


Unfortunately, the chances are very high that he will fade away and that he will also try to avoid child support.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

First, follow the 180 hard.

Second, get all the information on your accounts, bank, bills, loans, etc. If you don't know figure what is yours, his and joint. Put together a list of account numbers.

Third, be careful of everything you say and do. 

Fourth, he is baiting you with the info on the OW. It seems sick to many of us but he is in the fog of the A and what he says and does will not make a lot of sense.

Fifth, learn all you can about divorce in your state. In my state (PA) when I started the D process I found out it was not going to be as bad as I thought. In PA when a person files for D there is a) Spousal support - in my case my attorney would have gotten me off the hook for spousal support due to adultery, so my wife would have had no money from me during that time. Spousal support if warranted goes from the time of the filing for D till the D is final. b) Alimony - this is money my wife would have received after the D is granted and the Master or a judge would have dictated the terms of alimony. In PA alimony is not long term. My wife did not know this and thought she would have alimony for the rest of her life, in fact it would have lasted about 6 months till a year and would have been 40% or less of my income. I would suggest that you ask your attorney about this so you are not caught off guard. It does not matter that you WS cheated on you in most states when it comes to alimony. c) child support - varies. A person can receive an order for child support but if the person skips town, does not have a job, etc. then you can't count on it.

Sixth, figure out how much you will need to live on. You may not be able to finish school at this time. You may not be able to keep your house. I came up with a worst case scenario and found out in the end it would be much better. 

My marriage did not end in D but I did not sit back and allow events to dictate to me how my life would turn out. Become proactive and become as educated as possible on divorce.


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

Has 180 ever not worked for anyone?
Have trouble with faking enthusiasm and happiness. 
don't think any of it will make a difference to h since he is so far in the fog and will probably stay there. He is really good at lying to himself.
I know it's for me too but I must have missed where it says it's ok to cry or feel sad or be mad, at least in private. Or what to do when kids are involved and funds are tight.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

It worked for me in that it helped keep me sane. I cried and felt sad and mad (enraged, really) a lot. But I did not show it to him. I still don't. I vent here so I don't feel compelled to. The couple of times I slipped and did show him, I hated myself afterwards, because he clearly didn't care how much I was hurting, and that just made me feel worse.

Exercise is a great outlet for all the rage. And I don't like to exercise. I walked and did yoga every day for a few months. It helped. I need to get back to it, in fact.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

honeysuckle04 said:


> I would like to put out there that his "plan" was to separate from me, continue with this affair, move us to where his new job will be, build me my dream house, let me finish school, get a job then he was going to divorce me. That was before he was outted of course. What a nice man, so caring.
> Would anybody have taken that deal? Am I the only idiot that has too much pride and couldn't live with myself that way?
> No chance of trying, no getting help. He told me there was only so much he was willing to do for our marriage.
> Current emotion check-I've lost count.


As a male, I think I get what he is saying. If he does what he says, he'd feel that he's met his obligations to you. Yes, men can be that stupid.

And of course you can't count on it. It is going to be a rough road, but you have friends here. Come and vent any time. We'll do what we can to help.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

Honeysuckle:

From what you wrote your husband is a selfish betraying punk!
You are devastated emotionally and financially. You are the one with positive character and that will pay off big time in the future. However, that does not do much good NOW. *Just know that his rejection of you and his children does not reduce you as a good mother and person.* His betrayal is not on you but on HIM 100%. You may be thinking of the things that you may have done wrong in the marriage but that is just your emotional devastation talking. From what you wrote he is violating real character to fulfill his selfishness.

RUN to your attorney and find out how much legally he has to do in terms of the financial obligations on the home, car, etc. *You need to know exactly where you stand on this. Get as much emotional support you can get from family, friends, faith, etc..* Make sure that you get real active doing everything to build yourself up because the pain is not going away anytime soon. You should concentrate on you and your children and not allow any talk from him but only legal papers. 

He has done great damage to you and his children and you should follow through with the divorce as soon as possible. If someday he gets out of the fog and wants to come back to you then it would be up to you to call all the shots. * He has already done just about all the damage to you he can do so do not have irrational fears of some more great pains. *

Get as much financial, legal, and emotional help as possible and only be focused on you and your children without any apologies. You are now in the jungle kingdom and only the strong survive. *Millions of women have done it and so can you*!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

honeysuckle04 said:


> Can he marry the ow in her state while still married to me?


No thst would be bigamy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

thank you for today's encouragement! 
Head up, moving on.


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

I don't know how many keep up with both my threads but I need words right now from you all. Head is back down. 
Got more texts from h to op about how happy he is up there.
He called my son, asked why he is mad at h like he is completely oblivious to what he is doing and he told my son that what he is doing isn't cheating. He is out to punish me, the kids, the dog, whoever. 
:crying:


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

honeysuckle04 said:


> I don't know how many keep up with both my threads but I need words right now from you all. Head is back down.
> Got more texts from h to op about how happy he is up there.
> He called my son, asked why he is mad at h like he is completely oblivious to what he is doing and he told my son that what he is doing isn't cheating. He is out to punish me, the kids, the dog, whoever.
> :crying:


Your husband doesn't have any love in his heart right now. He is not thinking right.
Did you tell your son the truth? You don't have to speak against his dad to tell him the truth.
What does "op" mean? Normally it means the "opening poster" or person who started the thread. In this thread, you are the op.


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

CynthiaDe said:


> Your husband doesn't have any love in his heart right now. He is not thinking right.
> Did you tell your son the truth? You don't have to speak against his dad to tell him the truth.
> What does "op" mean? Normally it means the "opening poster" or person who started the thread. In this thread, you are the op.


I think she is referring to the Other Person (who we commonly call the OW or OM).

Honeysuckle, I'm so sorry. Your soon to be ex is so selfish! What was your son's reaction? How is he holding up? How are you feeling?


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

Sorry. I meant other people. Like ones he use to work with which Im sure contributed to his current state as they all say "he deserves to be happy". Yeah. Sure he does. Cuz I'm a monster he had to deal with daily. Yes please, somebody get the cheese to go with my whine.

I told my son the biblical and dictionary definitions and meanings of cheating/adultery in a softer way since he is younger. He is on the emotional roller coaster right behind me in his own car. Today he says he is confused as to why his dad would do this to us. I told him I don't know. H is telling everyone, according to his texts, tha the kids are fine with what he is doing. He still has no clue about his family. Not the tiniest bit.

My dd has retreated into her own world. The councilor says at her age that is normal as long as she doesn't become self destructive. She is either non responsive or clipped in conversation.
Tomorrow will be better as family is coming to visit.
Being here I this house by ourselves away from family is not helping. We really need to leave.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> *By Honeysuckle*
> I told my son the biblical and dictionary definitions and meanings of cheating/adultery in a softer way since he is younger.


It is inexcusable for your husband to harm his children. Your children will feel abandoned and rejected by their father. You said that you used the Bible to help explain cheating and adultery. If your children get strength from the Bible then maybe telling them that their heavenly Father will never leave them may help.
.
Hebrews 13
5 Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said,
“*Never will I leave you*;
never will I forsake you.”





Honeysuckle, if you get strength from the Bible then I wonder if the scripture below ill help you

Isaiah 41
So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
*I will strengthen you and help you;*
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.


Be diligent and very persistent in getting help; use all resources for you and your children including family, friends, faith, etc. Replace all thoughts of your husband with ideas about how to build yourself and your children up. You can do nothing with your husband right now as he is very deep into the fog.* Use your pain to motivate you to become even more self-sufficient. That will help you and your children with or without your husband.*


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

honeysuckle04 said:


> Unfortunately the kids are already wise beyond their years. They know all what is going on, they see how their dad was, is and probably will be forever. They are taking it as well as can be expected. My 13 year old is very angry and not wanting to talk about it at all. My 11 year old is torn between loving his dad and feeling rejected with all the emotions in between. No matter what encouragements I say to them (this isn't their fault, he isn't divorcing you just me, nothing can be done to change his mind, he will always love you and be your dad, etc.) they are having a hard time believing me.
> I read somewhere that you shouldn't believe what you hear from the ws and even less of what you see or something very similar. I can't help but wonder if that is true and if that means I cannot count on him to follow through with his word. He said he would support me, pay for me to finish school, keep close to the kids, be there for me if I ever need him, blah, blah, blah. So it would be best to know those were all lies so he could make himself feel better right?


And the minute the divorce is done and dusted the way he wanted it too all his promises will be forgotten and you will be eternally screwed.

Sorry dont believe him


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

I have gone completely dark from him since he left last Friday. I do not expect to hear from him while he is up in his fantasy world but when he has to come back to reality is it safest to assume the worst will be coming with him? 
Before he left he would talk to me as if it were normal. Do I expect that or do I anticipate anger for him having to come back to where he desperately doesn't want to be?


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

Sports Fan said:


> And the minute the divorce is done and dusted the way he wanted it too all his promises will be forgotten and you will be eternally screwed.
> 
> Sorry dont believe him


If I go forward not counting on him and trying to do for myself and kids am I still eternally screwed?


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

honeysuckle04 said:


> If I go forward not counting on him and trying to do for myself and kids am I still eternally screwed?


No, only if you count on him. You might be screwed in the short term if you're on your own but it's something you'll eventually be able to overcome.

And you don't know, he might come through. Just don't base your future on him providing, you need to be prepared for him to abandon you and the kids.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Hi Honeysuckle
The speed of this is quiet astonishing even by TAM standards and because of this you are getting a lot of advice that would normally be given out over months in days. 

The most important thing you are being advised to do is to aggressively protect yourself legally and financially and I absolutely agree with this as I think everyone who had been through this would agree. 
This man who you love has stopped loving you and you are now is enemy to happiness with his soulmate. This is normal. 

In the same way that you are being advised to your finances you are also being to advised to aggressively protect your emotional health and this is why the 180 is being recommended to you. It is not for him. It is not for your kids. It is not to save your marriage. It is for you. 

You are not eternally screwed if you realize what is happening here. 

_Your husband with no regard for the financial, emotional health of you or your children is leaving you, your children and a life you have built to move to another state with another woman with two children_

He then presents this new woman to your children and pronounces that he is marrying her. 

These are not the actions of a man that loves his children and certainly not you. You and your children have been discarded. 

I am struggling to write anything further because this happened to me and the anger burns white hot inside me for the loss of my children's happiness. 

You and your children have been discarded and the best you can do is get this piece of garbage out of your life.

Use his stupidity to get him to sign away custody of the kids. Nothing else matters. You must protect them from this mind fcker. 

hmm.. trigger.. much?


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

honeysuckle04 said:


> Has 180 ever not worked for anyone?
> Have trouble with faking enthusiasm and happiness.
> don't think any of it will make a difference to h since he is so far in the fog and will probably stay there. He is really good at lying to himself.
> I know it's for me too but I must have missed where it says it's ok to cry or feel sad or be mad, at least in private. Or what to do when kids are involved and funds are tight.



We know the unrelenting and extreme pain you are in for yourself and your children. It is only fixed by rewiring your brain . The 180 helps you to rewire your brain and this takes a huge amount of effort on your part.



Do one nice thing for yourself today
Do one nice thing for someone else today 
Achieve one thing you need to today
Exercise enough so that you are tired from it today
Eat home made food at least once today


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

ing said:


> Hi Honeysuckle
> The speed of this is quiet astonishing even by TAM standards and because of this you are getting a lot of advice that would normally be given out over months in days.
> 
> The most important thing you are being advised to do is to aggressively protect yourself legally and financially and I absolutely agree with this as I think everyone who had been through this would agree.
> ...


So am I moving too fast to move forward and not giving enough time for thorough thought of present circumstances?
I am afraid of burning out before I have the skills to protect me and my kids and our future due to me not waiting, if that makes any sense.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

honeysuckle04 said:


> So am I moving too fast to move forward and not giving enough time for thorough thought of present circumstances?
> I am afraid of burning out before I have the skills to protect me and my kids and our future due to me not waiting, if that makes any sense.


You are not setting the agenda at the moment and it is really important that you take control because the person who is in control is hell bent on fcking you and you kids over.

Unfortunately for your soon to be ex husband (STBXH) you have the TAM army behind you. Collectively we do know what you have to do and will beat you over the head with the_ 4 x 2 of Truth _ until you get angry. Angry is good. Angry is one step past denial. 

Your husbands behaviours are not unique he is actually walking a path we have all seen 100's ( if not 1000's) of times before. He is just running down it a little faster

There is no path to reconciliation at the moment but the steps we are suggesting are exactly the same for Divorce of for Reconciliation so no risk either way. 

Separate finances and start accounting for expenses for the kids.

Any joint money withdraw 50% now.

Make a list of all shared assets that can be quickly converted to cash

Sell the car and buy one outright even if it is 10 years old and smells of old dog .It will still be yours.

Tell your kids the truth. (You already have) They are hurting because their Father is abandoning them for a woman with kids their ages. This will not go unnoticed
Just be there emotionally for them as much as you can

Family. 
Let them know about this crisis. This IS the rainy day. This is an emergency. Pull in all the help you can get. 


Move fast. Be decisive.
Post questions about weird behaviour or just vent here. Nothing your skanky H can say or do has not been seen or heard before.

I am really sorry this is happening. I have been where you are now and it is unbelievable and as such hard for your mind to process.

Believe none of what he says and only half of what he does.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

No, you are not moving too fast. You are in a crisis. Sitting around and thinking about it will not help you. Moving to take care of yourself and your children needs to be done as quickly as possible will help you. Do you have a plan yet? Have you told all of his family and your family, as well as friends and your church? People need to know what is going on.


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

This how it goes:
He closed down, I started to cling. Last two years very little emotional or physical support between us. He managed to turn every little thing into an arguement that I gladly rose to the occasion for. Yes I know but even so I got 50% he has the other 50+100% of the affair. I went to preacher to get help, got my councilor that the kids and I go see once a week. H was outed by me. He doesn't love me, wants a divorce, loves his soulmate gamer. Kids and I went to councilor. Called preacher told him everything. I made h tell his family and mine what he had done. everybody who matters in our lives knows. H ran away to be with his thing. Leaving me down here to handle divorce, kids, house, life in reality. Complete silence from or to him. He only texts the kids every two to three days. Nothing more.

My plan:
Move back to be with family, find a job, get kids in school, take night or few classes to finish my degree. Sell the house here, move on. Maybe one day find happiness again.
Today has been a crappy day.
Any questions?


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

honeysuckle04 said:


> This how it goes:
> He closed down, I started to cling. Last two years very little emotional or physical support between us. He managed to turn every little thing into an arguement that I gladly rose to the occasion for. Yes I know but even so I got 50% he has the other 50+100% of the affair. I went to preacher to get help, got my councilor that the kids and I go see once a week. H was outed by me. He doesn't love me, wants a divorce, loves his soulmate gamer. Kids and I went to councilor. Called preacher told him everything. I made h tell his family and mine what he had done. everybody who matters in our lives knows. H ran away to be with his thing. Leaving me down here to handle divorce, kids, house, life in reality. Complete silence from or to him. He only texts the kids every two to three days. Nothing more.
> 
> My plan:
> ...


I'm sure it doesn't feel like it, but you are doing amazing. 
You have a good plan. Moving back with your family immediately will save you a ton of heartache later. If you wait and the courts get involved, they can make you stay right where you are. Run to your family asap. Can you stay with them until the house is sold?
The courts can force the sale of the house, so your husband will not be able to mess around with getting that done. Make sure that when you file, you include that he is court ordered to sell the house or you may end up with someone who simply refuses to sign. I have seen this happen and they lost the house to foreclosure simply because the wandering husband is a contentious, oppositional person and he disagreed with any reasonable thing.


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

CynthiaDe said:


> I'm sure it doesn't feel like it, but you are doing amazing.
> You have a good plan. Moving back with your family immediately will save you a ton of heartache later. If you wait and the courts get involved, they can make you stay right where you are. Run to your family asap. Can you stay with them until the house is sold?
> The courts can force the sale of the house, so your husband will not be able to mess around with getting that done. Make sure that when you file, you include that he is court ordered to sell the house or you may end up with someone who simply refuses to sign. I have seen this happen and they lost the house to foreclosure simply because the wandering husband is a contentious, oppositional person and he disagreed with any reasonable thing.


This has crossed my mind several times. If he comes back still deep in the fog I'm sure I'll be the target of a lot of anger which will lead to him being more of a pain in the arse than he already has. 
The divorce has already been filed. We go to temp order hearing in two weeks. Unless we can come to an agreement then the lawyer can get the judge to sign off on it. Since h isn't here I have no idea what his plans are or even when he is coming back. I hope to be out of the house before he shows. Oh what a coward am I.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

You're not a coward - he is. Rather than either try to fix his own marriage or leave honorably if he felt it couldn't be fixed, as another friend here said to me, he got to try on a whole new relationship from within the comfort of his own marriage - his own home, even.

He is staggeringly selfish.

Meanwhile, you're getting through every day trying to help and support your kids as best you can. As you've said, you're the one dealing with the reality of it all. And as Cynthia said, you don't realize it, but you're doing amazingly well. I mean, my God, this has all happened in the last few weeks, and you're here posting, you have a good plan, you're taking steps to put it in motion.

You, a coward? No way.


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

Thanks NMBeans for the first smile of the day.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> My plan:
> Move back to be with family, find a job, get kids in school, take night or few classes to finish my degree. Sell the house here, move on. Maybe one day find happiness again.
> Today has been a crappy day.
> Any questions?


Honeysuckle, even though you may be devastated your recent actions and plan are to be admired.






> I hope to be out of the house before he shows. Oh what a coward am I.


*You are not a coward; you are brave even though you have fear. You are taking action that needs to take place.* Your husband is in very deep fog and he will not even listen to God. It will be very hard finishing your plan and nursing the damaged emotions but with your plan completed you will be much better with or without him. Your husband is so very selfish; one of the worst. Detach from him as much as possible for now.

He will try to juggle his fantasy and his fatherhood for many years but eventually it will all come crashing down on him. He will have to face the fact that he abandoned his children’s mother and the children so that he could have his emotions tickled.* How secure do you think that his girlfriend will be with him knowing that he will betray his marriage and children for a fantasy? She is his fantasy this year but who will be his fantasy next year or the year after? Do you think the OM’s children are going to accept your husband as much as their own father? Do you think that when he and the OW have to smell each other’s breath and other odors for a year or two and then live with what life brings such as responsibilities, bills, sickness, etc. that they are going to live happily ever after? NOT!!!!*


Honeysuckle, in completing your plan, you are going to go through the tough part for this year and maybe next year but you will come out a LOT stronger and much more self-sufficient. You will not be desperate to have your husband back in your life and will be able to have a good life with or without him. That is very valuable in terms of you being secure.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

You are leaving so you and your children have a chance. How is that being a coward? You are really are doing an amazing job of getting this all together despite the devastation you are experiencing. Not many people could think as clearly as you are under the circumstances.


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

Still packing up the house and started to wonder what all h did take with him. His suitcase is gone, the external hard drive is gone, my old camera is gone, some of his jewelry is gone. Why would he take these items but not others like clothes or bathroom items or more valuable things? 
I wonder what's on the hard drive he didn't want to leave here.
I also wonder if he might have left a recorder or bug behind. What would I be looking for if he did?


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

honeysuckle04 said:


> Still packing up the house and started to wonder what all h did take with him. His suitcase is gone, the external hard drive is gone, my old camera is gone, some of his jewelry is gone. Why would he take these items but not others like clothes or bathroom items or more valuable things?
> I wonder what's on the hard drive he didn't want to leave here.
> I also wonder if he might have left a recorder or bug behind. What would I be looking for if he did?


I wouldn't bother looking for one. You could turn that house upside down for days looking for something that doesn't exist. You're leaving, just don't say anything you would mind him knowing until you're out of there.

The only thing I'd really be concerned about would be a key logger on the computer you're using for TAM.


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

H just called to check in. For the first time in a week!
I didn't say much and I didn't say goodbye. 
Plans have changed since the last time we spoke so what do I do if he shows up and interferes with my plans? 
Yes, I'm starting to panic irrationally just a little bit.


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## TrustlostHearbroken (Jun 22, 2015)

honeysuckle04 said:


> H just called to check in. For the first time in a week!
> I didn't say much and I didn't say goodbye.
> Plans have changed since the last time we spoke so what do I do if he shows up and interferes with my plans?
> Yes, I'm starting to panic irrationally just a little bit.


You continue with your plans. You follow the 180 and do your best acting. Show no emotions. Let him know and see that you are serious about moving on. Of course it is easier said than done. Practice what you would say or how you would act. Follow through.

Here's a link to a thread I found useful. It's titled "Just let them go."

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24796-just-let-them-go.html

Stay strong for now. Don't get stringed along like I did.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

HS, you are doing very well considering, just keep at it, put one foot in front of the other and move along. 
Your WH will wake up one day and realise what he has done but it will be too late as you will have already moved on, what an a** he is!
You have your kids, you have your family and you will be fine. Keep posting here and get the support you need.
Make sure you tie all lose ends with regard to the house, your finances, etc. have you got a good lawyer?


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

i sure hope so.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

honeysuckle04 said:


> If I go forward not counting on him and trying to do for myself and kids am I still eternally screwed?


That would be your best bet. He has already showed you cant rely on him.

His actions have betrayed not only you but your kids as well.

Looking after yourself and your kids is your only and sensible option.


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