# Care to describe YOUR rollercaoster?



## PinkSalmon13 (Nov 7, 2013)

My details are posted in other threads, but just trying to validate the wild world of emotional rollercoastering I've endured leading into the decision. Would appreciate anyone's sharing of their 'ride' so I know I'm normal and not just an isolated wreck.

For me:

My thoughts and emotions change on a dime. One minute I feel strong, confident, and ready to have the conversation. The next minute (LITERALLY), I can find myself wallowing in fear and uncertainty about whether I have the courage to act.

I can also swing from keeping thoughts of what others will think (esp the kids) at bay......to one minute later being overcome with fear and panic that they'll never want to speak to me again.

Lastly, I can shift from my belief that her words and actions have led us to this point, and then cut straight to feeling guilty, forgetting all the hurtful things and just feeling like the bad guy for letting my mind and emotions get this far (too far to come back) down the line to divorce. Did I do enough? Have I tried everything? Why have I lost all interest in her physically, and find her hard to even be around? What a jerk!! And then I remember that it was her words and decisions (essentially there are numerous things I don't like about you and we're going sexless - now on year 6 of that) and back and forth and back and forth.......

Jeez, is this common? I'm surprised I can even function at work, continue at the gym, walk the dog, etc. I'm in a constant state of dealing with my thoughts and emotions, barely able to focus on the reality around me. I'm drifting bigtime, all the time. I hate it.

Anyone else experience this wide and crazy array of swings and overprocessing and catastrophizing on their way to making the big announcement?


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## blackdog (Dec 18, 2013)

I see a lot of me in the words that you type. This may seem like complete ramble, but at one minute I feel totally in love with the same gal I met over 20 years ago. Then suddenly I am swearing under my breathe at how I am going to leave her and that she never really meant much to me. I once had a lot of confidence in myself, yet since our "shaky times" I have not considered myself to be an intelligent man at all.

I actually fear sometimes that I have lost feelings for my children as well. But I know that can not be possible because I spend more time lately with them and their studies than ever before.

We are on about MONTH 6 of a sexless marriage! And I truly think that it drives a fella a wee bit insane.

Hang in there, Dude!


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

PinkSalmon13 said:


> My details are posted in other threads, but just trying to validate the wild world of emotional rollercoastering I've endured leading into the decision. Would appreciate anyone's sharing of their 'ride' so I know I'm normal and not just an isolated wreck.
> 
> For me:
> 
> ...


I can relate! It's a major life decision. It's HUGE!

Interesting, you used the word "fear" a few times to describe what is holding you back from taking the next step. WHY are you afraid? You may want to explore that more. My therapist often asked me to think about WHY or HOW COME when I was stuck or dealing with a difficult issue.

You sound like an emotional person. Some of us are! I think depending on personality, we each react in different ways through this process. Personally, I have a tough time making major decisions. It goes along with being a people pleaser. Maybe you are one too? 

I have read about your situation in other threads, but even from what you wrote above, there are some serious problems in your marriage. Seriously, 5+ years of no sex??!! If you've made some serious effort and there is no change in sight, then be bold and take control of your destiny! You do have options!


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## PinkSalmon13 (Nov 7, 2013)

"...yet since our "shaky times" I have not considered myself to be an intelligent man at all."

I heard that, blackdog (Zeppelin perchance?). I'm an intelligent guy, grad school and all..........yet I've noticed when I do talk to my wife these days, I come off like a fool, struggling to use basic good grammar, find the right words....even for such mundane things as describing the drive home. Very strange phenomenon. I think that when one has been criticized quite roundly, it definitely affect's one's confidence, even in such minutae as putting together a basic, coherent sentence. Weird.


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## PinkSalmon13 (Nov 7, 2013)

Zanne, yes, I'm a very right-brained, creative individual. I have an acute perception, and I take things very much to heart, good or bad (see 'over-reacting'). Things that might roll off another's back may affect me for a lifetime. I'm also a classic 'nice guy'. Bad combo.

Yep - I'm defintely fearful of the fallout. I'm fearful of saying the first few words in the endgame discussion, then blanking out, losing the words, and being beaten down (verbally) yet again -- because she is always able to keep her wits when things get emotional, and she cuts me to the quick with her version of logic and her perception of events. In the end, I always end up feeling 'wrong', or 'out of line', or that I've totally misinterpreted things.

The other fear is that I really have never known anything else, as an adult........33 years with this person as the focal point of life (in happiness and pain). From 19 to 52........not sure I know how to 'be' otherwise, even though I know I need to move. No one should live without affection and intimacy. These past 6-9 years have hurt. A lot.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Wow..I can so relate to this. I am at that point now where seriously comtemplating going on my own..I am 45 and have been with him since I was 19...scary have never lived on my own.

One minute fear takes hold of me and I think so what if you are not happy just live with it and stay it is so less complicated and then the next I think the thought of living with this person for the next 30+ years not sure if I can do that.

I think as well I fear what others mainly my family will think...I know everybody thinks that my H is such a nice guy and the attitude will probably be like I am making a huge mistake. 

My thoughts are consumed by this....more and more when I imagine being single a feeling of peace comes over me...

I honestly think I am letting fear and uncertainty win over right now. I woke up in the middle of the night last night thinking yes I am going to do that then this morning that nervous scared feeling is taking over...

I think another fear is finally making the decision to separate and then thinking wow I made a mistake but it is too late.


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## justforfun1222 (Feb 6, 2013)

PinkSalmon13 said:


> Jeez, is this common? I'm surprised I can even function at work, continue at the gym, walk the dog, etc. I'm in a constant state of dealing with my thoughts and emotions, barely able to focus on the reality around me. I'm drifting bigtime, all the time. I hate it.
> 
> Anyone else experience this wide and crazy array of swings and overprocessing and catastrophizing on their way to making the big announcement?


Everyday!! In fact I have not been able to sleep for 2 days thinking on it and then one minute I will be like well maybe we can work all this mess out and then a minute later I say, why would you want to try to make it work when nothing changes even though we discuss things. The things he did to ME caused all of this, caused me to not trust him, or my own judgement. and in the process lose myself somewhere in all this mess.. I am a MESS right now, but I know that I do not love him anymore.. so at some point I am going to have to tell him to leave, but then my brain says what about your step-son dusty. I have been with him since he was 4 we have had custody since he was 7 and his mother is never involved.. but then I think back to when he left me and my 2 kids that he should have loved just as much since there dad was not involved and instead he and dumped us like some kind of trash, until he decided he was lonely...I know he loves me, why can't things just change??? Well the reality of it is that it has to be done so try to do it as quick and painless as possible.. and I will too! Good luck and thanks for sharing how you are feeling I thought I was going crazy~~:smthumbup:


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## PinkSalmon13 (Nov 7, 2013)

highwood, I'm on the.....exact....same....page. Ditto, ditto, ditto. Lots of fun, isn't it??!!

jff, no, you're not going crazy, unless we all are. It's just an outlandishly tough and unasked-for situation. No one would ever want to be in this place intentionally. The brain just has a hard time coping with such high-powered emotions and constant signal scrambles.

I have noticed that I feel most like **** about what I feel I must do when I'm away at work. That's when the feelings of guilt and remorse and 'what will everyone think' things take over. I function physically at work, but NEVER do more than just a minute or two go by, throughout each and every day, when the black blanket of doom starts to descend. I can't believe this is my life right now. There is no such thing as a 'win' here. Anyway, it's when I get home and feel the tension and seeming distaste of my presence that I remind myself why I got here in the first place. 

I just wish I could keep an even keel on the whole mental outlook on matters, but I'm all over the place and it's surely taking a toll on my mental and physical health. I will never, ever be the same. SUXX


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## blackdog (Dec 18, 2013)

You nailed it. Led Zeppelin.

My problems actually started about five years ago when I started a job that I hated. That is when my confidence and self esteem began to head south I do believe. Plain and simple, I now think that I need to grow a pair. I know that is the man that she is wanting and when my confidence is high it seems like the clouds-of-confusion seem to disappear. I then have faith that we can find hope in our marriage working once again.

I know my lack of intelligence haunts me at times. But I mean, I do have a two year college diploma so I know I must have SOME intelligence.


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## 1812overture (Nov 25, 2013)

My situation isn't that bad, but it is a roller coaster and we haven't been able to fix it.

I can't imagine living on my own and having my kids a handful of days a week and alternating weekends. When I imagine it, I am living as close as possible, so I can be near them. Then I wonder if moving to the big city means dad lives in a cool area, and they love coming to see me, but I see them less often, but I end up missing school plays, games, etc. 

And how do car pools work, for dance, soccer, etc?

I think I'd prefer to fix it now, if possible, but I'm not sure it's possible. And I don't want to be in this spot a year from now, or two or three, when it'll be worse. And when I think it is getting better, I don't want to mess it up by discussing our troubles. When things aren't good, nothing can get fixed, anyway. 

I was muttering under my breath on the bus this morning, angry that she could possibly blame me for whatever slight she perceived. (I'm sure people thought I was crazy.) I have a list as long as my arm. Seems the house isn't big enough, my paycheck isn't big enough, my d!ck isn't big enough. Nothing makes her happy. She says "do more." I do more. Then she says you didn't do it right. Don't you want to do it this way? I say we should leave at 8. She says she thinks 7:30 I confirm that we're leaving at 7:30 she says "yes, don't you think that's when we should leave?" I say Just tell me. I know she's frustrated that she had to make the decision, but she forgot that I HAD ALREADY MADE the decision. You don't like 8? Fine. But I'm not going to debate over 30 minutes. 

We can't have sex if she doesn't feel close to me. It takes 30 days for her to get over a fight. So, unless we can go 30 days without a fight, I never get laid. And if I say nothing, that's not good enough. I have to respond or it's a fight. But if I respond quickly, with the wrong words, it's a fight.

It's not even a roller coaster. It's a hamster wheel.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Sadly I think all of our reasons and hesitations are very common that is why often people stay in a dead end marriage until death because sometimes the fear of the unknown is not worth it.

It is safe to stay with what you know or is comfortable even if you are unhappy. Same thing with jobs..people stay in jobs for the same reason too.

They always say don't let fear stop you but I think it is common to let that happen.


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## PinkSalmon13 (Nov 7, 2013)

Fear is the name of the game for me right now. Also, as an empath, I have a hard time accepting how many people I'm going to hurt in unburdening myself of a life that is no longer functional (and hasn't been for years). I hate that.

I'm at a big dip on the rollercoaster today. Some crazy dreams, which I can't even really remember, have me feeling totally resigned to my situation. My fighting spirit is nowhere to be found today. Ten minutes from now it might be back. Who knows. The constancy of the high-intensity thought processes and emotions, I think, sometimes just shuts us down -- our minds give us a break to recover. I think that's what today is for me - a recovery day. I'm not even going to think about the situation anymore today....just going to let it take its course.

I guess I do fear that losing my fighting spirit (in my fight for a life worth living) may become permanent at some point.....just give up all hope because it's too hard to go the other direction.

I hope that's not the case, so I'm giving myself a 'pass' on feeling this way today, and we'll see where the 'coaster takes me next.

And Valentine's Day is coming up fast...........ugh.


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## PinkSalmon13 (Nov 7, 2013)

"Really try to find where this well of acceptance and calm came from."

"And take the health implications seriously -- medical studies prove them. You are NOT immune or superman. HAPPY IS THE GREATEST GIFT YOU CAN GIVE TO YOURSELF."

"Stop obsessing about the timing. There will never be a good time. There will always be reasons that ANY day would suck."

"Need to stop reacting like a helpless child.....and like a man...a man with a life to be lived, as a man....not as this or that, and not based on sentimentalism/yearning for the past or what should have been. LOOK AT THE REALITY OF WHAT HAS BEEN SAID AND DONE."

"No fault no blame, no anger. It just is what it is, right now. No need to fight, argue, or accuse, no battles....I just need to go not only for MY sake, but for hers. We both have a right to 'better'. And I will try to find it, and I'll be okay with her finding it."

These are sticky notes from the edge, stuck on the rollercoaster. I can't recall when I wrote them -- probably nine or ten months ago. Found them in a copy of Eat, Pray, Love that I bought at an airport when I flipped through the pages and read about her breakdown on the bathroom floor.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Other concerns I have about my marriage are for example, on Monday our 15 year old cat passed away...even though she was older it was still hard. H is out of town and yet during this time not once did I think I wish he was here for support, etc. It does not even go thru my mind...and that concerns me.

Just like when I have a bad day at work..I don't think I can't wait to tell H about it...nope never do that. 

Instead in these kinds of situations I talk to others for support instead.

That to me is very disconcerting that I do not feel like reaching out to my husband for support.


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## 1812overture (Nov 25, 2013)

highwood said:


> Just like when I have a bad day at work..I don't think I can't wait to tell H about it...nope never do that.


So, I guess I am not a far gone as you, but I fear I am getting there quickly, and nothing I/we have done seems to be able to pull us out of it.

I had a very bad day at work months ago -- typical corporate silliness, but I thought I was going to get demoted or fired. Called y wife, because I wanted someone to talk to. Got scolded, instructed to do X/Y/X, talk to some senior guys and tell them this and that. I eventually ended the conversation abruptly. 

Turns out, a week later, I got promoted. (Typical big company silliness. They can't do anything right.) My wife hasn't once said she's proud of me, sought to apologize for not being supportive, etc. 

I guess soon I'll not think of telling her at all. There's no upside, only downside. Reminds me of report cards growing. All A's was expected, if a B showed up it was trouble. No upside.


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