# husband seeing another girl and trying to save our marriage?!



## kdruark (Feb 2, 2011)

Confused and looking for advice. My husband and I have been together for almost 5 years, married for 2 1/2. We recently decided to grow our family, I am 7 months pregnant with our first child. Our relationship has been had its ups and downs like any other. I used to struggle with old feelings for an ex, although I never cheated I hurt my hubby by seeing this ex once or twice for closure (nothing happened). It was bad timing on both occasions and the hubby has never really gotten over how bad it hurt him. The last time I saw the ex, the hubby was at basic training (horrible timing, and hubby and I had been married about 6 months) but we talked and I got over my feelings for this ex. While I got past those feelings and took a step further in loving my husband, he got hurt and took a step back. Since then, he has told me that he has never felt the same about me and now feels like he only loves me as a friend. 

Within the last 2 months, my hubby has tried to talk to me about what he needed more of in our relationship. I listened and tried it for awhile, but honestly I wasnt really trying or listening. I let the pregnancy and school work consume my life that I quit caring about what he wanted and focused only on myself. I realize now that I should have been trying harder. I never told him how much I appreciated him working so hard, or doing everything he could to make me happy. He pampered me and loved me, and I took if for granted. I never thought that I had to put any effort in (or at least put in the bare minimum). I never thought that he would leave. 

We have been seperated for a little over a week. I have had some realizations and eyeopening feelings towards how much I love him and things I need to work on. He says he wants to work it out, but that he fell out of love with me. He says he needs to feel like he can be happy again. I am now doing everything I can think of, everything he has asked me to change. 

To make matters worse, he befriended a girl at work who was also having marital problems. Since then, they have developed feelings for each other. He says that she makes him feel important and happy and I havent done that for him in a long time. He asked for an open marriage and I said no. After lots of tears and talking, he honestly believes that this is something he needs to do (see this other girl) and get it out of his system because he has had feelings like this before with others and never acted on them. I was not ready to get divorced but dont think i can handle the pain. So we seperated so he could miss me. Well in the mean time, the two have started seeing each other. (Rules for seeing each other: no attachment, no sex, no showers, no oral sex. only hands on activities.) This makes me sick. I cant eat, I cant sleep. 

I love him so much. He is a very honest man, he has told me not to give up on him and he really wants to fix our marriage. I know he would not make me suffer this if he was just gonna leave me. He is not that kind of person. He says that he cant put his finger on what it is about her that makes him happy, he said its not the newness because that is already gone. 

I am so confused on how to make him happy again. I am trying everything he asked of me and then some. Its so hard to show him I have changed if he is not around. I am trying to give him his space, but Im scared. I need support. He hates the idea of reading a marriage book or going to counseling because he thinks that if he does than his feelings wont be genuine. 
He says he sees how Ive changed, but doesnt understand why it took this for me to change. I have no answer for that. He feels angry when he sees my changing because he feels like im only doing to make him stay. I have told him over and over that this is the real deal and I love him more than anything, that I will try to handle this pain because I love him.

I am not willing to give up yet. I just dont know how to handle a sitution like this, and he doesnt know what to tell me to do either but just dont give up. And he promises he is trying. He doesnt want to leave his wife and future son.

What should I do? How do I approach a situation like this? How can I make him get past her and back in my arms? Any advice is welcome!!


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## Vienna11 (Feb 2, 2011)

Hey kdruark, thanks for sharing. I'm going through a tough time with my wife too, so maybe I can give a man's perspective.

The first thing I'd have to ask is if he ever seemed like the sort of guy that would cheat, even before you started having problems. The request for an open marriage doesn't seem like a good sign to me.

If he doesn't seem like a cheater, try considering his vulnerabilities. Guys don't like to admit their vulnerabilities, especially ones in the military. Also, I can tell you that basic training really messes with your perspectives on relationships. Even though you only saw your ex to get closure, your husband might have felt threatened by that encounter when he was out of the picture, and felt somewhat betrayed.

This could explain the other girl. He has felt hurt, perhaps betrayed, and even a little emotionally unsafe. Then he encounters this other girl going through the same thing. They connect because they both feel hurt and feel like they can confide in each other. But the thing is, if they were to start a real relationship, that whole bond would collapse because then they'd be dealing with each other instead of connecting over common experiences with spouses. Who knows, this little affair could just be a petty attempt to hurt you in exchange for the way that he thinks you hurt him by seeing your ex. In this case, I'd recommend acting to remind him of the bonds shared between you two, tell him how you've come to realize how much you love him and what you'd do for him, and then he'd see that the connection with this other girl is superficial.

Also, don't blame yourself too much for acting selfishly, pregnancy really messes with your hormones. But I'm sure I don't have to tell you that. I wouldn't know myself, but I've been told that nothing shifts your focus away from yourself like a child. If your husband sees this change, he should know you're telling the truth.

Hope this helped.


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## kdruark (Feb 2, 2011)

My husband is not the type of guy to cheat. He is a great man with great values, I always thought that if anyone ever cheated in this relationship-it would be me but i didnt when i had the chance. 
U r right about how he felt when I saw my ex. The night he found out, he was going to divorce me. I convinced him to stay and ever since then I have been more madly and deeply in love with him-even though I didnt show it like I should have. 
I have tried and tried over and over in the last two weeks to tell him and show him how much I have changed and thats its genuine, that I have realized how horrible of a wife I was and how selfish I have been. He says he doesnt know if he can believe that this change is for real and that it wont go back to being the way it was before. He knows that this arrangement with the other girl can go no where because her and her hubby are not getting divorced and supposedly she doesnt want us to get divorced either. 
The advice does help. Im glad to see that someone out there can try to give constructive advice, no one on the other boards are giving me anything to work with. Thank u.


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## pikakeflower (Feb 14, 2011)

When I read your story, I felt like I was reading mine (see Just Friends or More?). Our story is similar because like you, I'm realizing how much I love him and want him, yet my husband says why did it take you this long? He also says you are saying that just to make him stay. 

I've had intimacy issues and am seeking help for myself. I was sexually abused as a young girl and I never wanted to face nor talk about this issue. I feel it's affected my marriage and he says he never felt wanted or he felt adequate or sexy. I take responsibility for that and am upset with myself that this dragged on for so long. 

Now with his coworker, my husband says they are nothing more than friends. The reason why they talk so much is because he feels he can talk to her and she gives him the attention that I haven't given him. He's never cheated and has always been honest. All we do is fight and my husband keeps throwing it back in my face that it's all my fault and this has brought all the other problems that we have now.

You are not alone. I sympathize with you because I'm also trying my best to make things right, to be loving again. I don't know if we can make it. I do like Vienna11's feedback, some things I need to consider. I do need to stay strong and be level headed for our kids' sake. It's hard when you are sad, depressed and hurt. Stay strong and I wish you the best.


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