# Need help with a problem



## louiswin (Nov 4, 2010)

I really need someone to talk to about this.

I recently found out that my wife has been talking to a married man who is her co-worker. I looked at the phone records and found hundreds of text messages and phone calls with this man over the past 3-4 months. I confronted her about this and she said that it's purely a friendship. She did say that she had a sexual encounter with a different man she met through her job. She said that the male co-worker friend over-heard her talking to this man and called her out about this. She said that he tried to stop her, but she wouldn't listen. I can't help but to feel that this man is one and the same person. My wife says that she loves me and only wanted to try something different.

A couple of nights ago, I confronted her again about all of these text messages and phone calls with her co-worker. She said something happened a few months ago. We were over at her married male friend co-worker's house and there was a lot of drinking going on. Well, apparently, the two of them went into his bedroom when everyone else was asleep. He performed oral sex on her, but she said that she couldn't go through with the rest of it. She woke me up, she was crying and said that we had to leave. She said that few days later they got together to discuss what happened. She said that the both of them said it was a mistake and that they wouldn't do it again. I can't help but to think these two got back together behind my back. However, she said that she doesn't see him like that, only as a friend. Again, my wife has repeatedly said that she loves me and only me.

What makes it more difficult is that my wife and I have been talking about having an open relationship to see if it would spice up our sex life. This of course has back-fired now and has created a lot of tension between my wife, her co-worker, and me. I don't know what to believe. All of this has turned my stomach.

To make matters worse, she had an affair back in our early days too, when we were barely 2 years into our marriage. My wife and I have been married for over 21 years now and these recent findings are really bothering me. I love this woman and that's what makes this so hard to deal with.

Edit: I also want to add that my wife has told me within the past year that her hormones are raging and all that she thinks about is sex, sex, sex. She is 44 and I am 46.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

"Fool me once, shame on you..."
I think you're living the rest of that saying.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Your wife is a serial cheater. Your forgiveness and grace for her has backfired. Some will look at your forgiveness as a second chance. Others will look at it like license. Without consequence people do not learn. It is no different then a three year old touching a hot stove. Consequence is there for a reason. So that we don't repeat the act that hurt us. Your wife has lost respect for you. Personally, I would separate finances. I would file for divorce. You have to set boundaries. You don't have to sign them. But your wife needs a "word" picture, and a show that, if she will not respect you and your marriage, you will. Some people believe that you can beg, plead and love the other person back into the relationship. I don't. But you can respect yourself. You can "know" that you deserve better. I would even consider throwing her clothes and personal belongings out on the street. BUT the decision is yours. I have been married for 31 years. And the thing that keeps our love alive is respect. You can have respect without love. But you can not have love without respect. Best of luck.


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## russ101 (Jan 8, 2010)

I really feel for you. I am going thru something similar with my wife (we too are in our mid forties, and have been married a long time). A while back I wanted to introduce someone else into our sex life, at first she refused, but then said ok and picked one of her former co-workers who now lives in Calif. I backed out just before it happened and we never went through with it. Now she texts and calls him a couple of times a week, and just got back from a business trip in Calif. where he is. My mind is going crazy as to what might have happened out there (she says nothing but a dinner party with the whole group before she left). Asking your wife for an open relationship definitely complicates things. You were basically giving her permission to screw other guys (with her being very horny to begin with). You have opened up Pandoras box (much like I did). She has cheated on you in the past, and will probably continue to do so unless you both go immediately to counseling and get some help. I would not trust this women, she does not appear to be trustworthy. By the way, whatever your wife told you has happened with her co-worker, I'm sure it is much more than this. People usually admit to less than what really happened. An open relationship can work for a couple, but only if both parties are clear on what the rules are, and only if both are not the jealous time. I don't think an open reationship is going to work in your case


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## louiswin (Nov 4, 2010)

russ101 said:


> I really feel for you. I am going thru something similar with my wife (we too are in our mid forties, and have been married a long time). A while back I wanted to introduce someone else into our sex life, at first she refused, but then said ok and picked one of her former co-workers who now lives in Calif. I backed out just before it happened and we never went through with it. Now she texts and calls him a couple of times a week, and just got back from a business trip in Calif. where he is. My mind is going crazy as to what might have happened out there (she says nothing but a dinner party with the whole group before she left). Asking your wife for an open relationship definitely complicates things. You were basically giving her permission to screw other guys (with her being very horny to begin with). You have opened up Pandoras box (much like I did). She has cheated on you in the past, and will probably continue to do so unless you both go immediately to counseling and get some help. I would not trust this women, she does not appear to be trustworthy. By the way, whatever your wife told you has happened with her co-worker, I'm sure it is much more than this. People usually admit to less than what really happened. An open relationship can work for a couple, but only if both parties are clear on what the rules are, and only if both are not the jealous time. I don't think an open reationship is going to work in your case


Thanks Russ, and yes, I agree ... I should have never suggested and open marriage. All it has done is cause heartache and confusion.


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## russ101 (Jan 8, 2010)

Yes and for me it has caused much worrying. I am still concerned that something happened in Calif. with the other guy that we were going to invite into our bed. I should have kept my fantasy to myself. Our marriage is definitly not strong enough to live this out. Hopefully, you two will be able to work things out. Please try counseling. Keep us updated.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I'm guessing that between the infidelity two years into your marriage and 20 years later there's a whole lot that you don't know about.

If you still want to be married to her she has to go to counseling, individual and marriage.


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## louiswin (Nov 4, 2010)

I had a long talk with her last night and I asked her if she was in my shoes, what would she think about all of the communication going on. She said, yeah, she understands, but the relationship with her male co-worker is just a friendship. She said that they made a huge mistake that night and that nothing has happened since then. I told her that I feel threatened by him, and she agreed that she will end the friendship. She said that I'm more important. I told her that it was a mistake for us to talk about having an open relationship and she agreed. She said that she made a mistake and that it won't happen again. She said that she loves me, and that I'm more important than any fling that crosses her path.

I have a lot of fault and guilt in this too, because basically, we both agreed on having an open relationship, and that is something I'm going to regret for a long time. To be honest, I'm the one that started the conversation about it and it has turned around and bit me in the ass. Sometimes, I feel like going outside our marriage and doing this anyway (just to get even), but I just don't know if I can go through with it. I'm struggling with this and I'm just going to have to take it day by day. Yes, I believe that counseling is a real good first step to recoverer.


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## russ101 (Jan 8, 2010)

Good luck with everything. I know I will always struggle with wanting to have my wife screw someone else (its always going to be a fantasy of mine). I know that we can't do this, or (at least now) it would wreck my marriage. I also wish I had never brought it up, since she was against it for a long time, and I think now she would actually like to go through with it, this is why I am always worrying about it, even though she says I have nothing to worry about. Good luck again.


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