# Husband and his friend sending obsene jokes/pictures on cell phone



## Prairie

I can't handle the jokes my husband gets on his cell phone from his friends. I do look at his phone messages sometimes, and daily he gets these texts from his buddy's, and he forwards them. The pictures contain everything from obese naked women, racist content, sexual content...always like horrible distorted photos with captions under them like...."girls gone wild" or "look what mama feeds me for breakfast".....you understand.
It makes me feel like running....it seems so shallow, and I have asked him several times to stop doing it and to tell his friends that his wife is mad and to stop. I feel like I am dealing with a really naughty 12 year old boy. He is a highly educated man, but is acting like trash.


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## PBear

Umm... Don't look at his phone messages then?

C


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## Prairie

Sure. Thanks


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## chillymorn

QUOTE=PBear;230047]Umm... Don't look at his phone messages then?

C[/QUOTE]

:iagree:

If you told him he should also be more discreet about it in the very least.


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## greeneyeddolphin

I have to agree with PBear here. You're bringing this feeling on yourself. If you weren't going into his phone messages and looking, you wouldn't be upset. I have no idea what kind of messages my boyfriend gets on his phone. Whatever they might be, it's not hurting me. I trust him, I know he wouldn't cheat, so if gets a message forwarded from a friend of a dirty joke, racist joke, half naked chick, so what? My feelings won't be hurt by it if I don't know about it, and I know that getting those isn't going to make him cheat, so I'm fine. 

As for feeling you're dealing with a really naughty 12 yr old boy...well, quit acting like his mother then. My boyfriend does things that bug me; I'm sure PBear and anyone else on here could say the same of their spouse/significant other. But we're all grown ups and realize that we can't control their behavior, and that there are things we do that bug them, too. You're his wife, not his mom. Give him control over his own life; he's a man, he can handle it. And if he can't, well, that's his problem.


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## Prairie

I have trust issues.....not from him, but from my past. I do look at his text messages/facebook.....we are married, that should not be a big deal. I do not do it obsessively


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## greeneyeddolphin

Prairie said:


> I have trust issues.....not from him, but from my past. I do look at his text messages/facebook.....we are married, that should not be a big deal. I do not do it obsessively


Speaking as someone who has had trust issues, you have to stop doing that. No, it is not a big deal to look at his stuff, or vice versa. But continuing to look at this stuff that is bothering you is going to not only keep your trust issues going, but it's also going to cause problems between the two of you. If he's done nothing to make you not trust him, then just trust him. Let him have his stupid jokes on his phone, and don't let them bother you. Don't check them.


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## BigBadWolf

Agree with the obvious already stated, stop reading his phone if you cannot handle the jokes. They are not intended for your audience.

The fact that you are permitted to see these things from your husband, these text messages and facebook, value this trust and openness, even if you are not liking what you are seeing. 

In my own career, the "naughty" emails and texting that I often receive in my computer and cell phone will indeed make any sailor blush, it is the nature of the electronic world we occupy at this time.  

If you have trust issues from your past, and if these are needing to be dealt with, then please deal with them above the table and direct, address the real issue not the symptom, and be honest with your man about these issues if they are causing you unhappiness.

But trying to boss him around and treat him as a mother would treat a naughty child is only going to produce misery and secrecy and resentment. Avoid this!!!!!

I wish you well.


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## TNgirl232

My husband gets the same type of texts/emails from some of his buddies. If he laughs out loud and I ask what's so funny and if he says you don't want to know, then I know what it is and he's right I don't want to know 

Its his phone - if he were forwarding them on to your phone it would be different - but since he's not, then you really don't have a right to say what messages he gets and sends to his friends on his phone.


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## RandomDude

I had similar types of 'mates' 2 years ago, nowadays though I rely on the missus to find me a more mature, and decent crowd to hang around. She became a rather happy chappy considering she was always nagging me about the type of people I hung around for years.


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## reachingshore

His phone, his choice of content.

I am confused. If you snoop, whyever would you let it be known?


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## Prairie

Thanks for all the great replies. I need to just let it go. I am a control freak....never used to be. I still think it is creepy, but unless it gets in my way, I'll just forget it. Here's to getting the image of barbie coming out of a vagina out of my head.


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## major misfit

Just remember that men don't want to sleep with their mothers. And if you're acting in a motherly way, then he's going to start feeling "mothered" by you, and act accordingly. 
Your past trust issues are yours to deal with, not his. You would be doing YOURSELF a huge favor to work on those with a professional. 
And stop reading his texts and emails. I'm kinda curious about the "trash" remark, though. Are you trying to make him feel like he's "less than" b/c he happens to like this kinda stuff? Again..sounds like something a mother would say.


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## BigBadWolf

Prairie said:


> Here's to getting the image of barbie coming out of a vagina out of my head.



Don't recall seeing that one.

Link?


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## Prairie

I feel like everyone thinks I am some sort of prude. I am in a "mothering" role with my husband and I hate it. I was in many relationships before him, and I was never dominant or controlling, the opposite was true. Believe me it was better. He is the youngest of 7 kids and I wonder if that has something to do with this. I hate it. You say"Oh, don't put yourself in that role then". Well, my husband takes care of nothing, and if I start taking care of nothing.....well then what? When I have left our child with him...he watches violent programs and ignores everything else. He is probably just unhappy with me. I am older than him by 5 years and I feel old and ugly and never ever get complemented in any way. He watches tv or is on facebook and up until a month ago drank every night....which he still would probably like to do if it weren't for his "f'in" mother/me.


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## reachingshore

Then maybe it would be a much better idea for you to focus on other more important issues rather than battling over idiotic text messages? 

I am just saying


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## Prairie

Good point.


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## reachingshore

> Well, my husband takes care of nothing, and if I start taking care of nothing.....well then what?


I understand why this is a big problem. There are lots of people here with a myriad of experiences and good advice. Don't give up on the board!


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## gregj123

Yep snooping will just drive you crazy & cause issues dont do it!


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## PBear

Prairie, I didn't mean to imply you were mothering him or anything. And if he's not pulling his weight around the house (like he can't be trusted to watch your children), then I don't think there's anything wrong with putting your foot down.

But what I was saying was something to the effect that if there's stuff on his cell phone that on the whole doesn't affect you, but it bothers you if you see it, then don't go looking for trouble. If you suspected him of cheating on you (and had some reasons for that) it would be different. But then I suggest looking for mail messages dealing with that, and leaving the other junk alone. 

Basically, pick your battles based on what's important to you. If these mail messages are truly important to you (i.e. racist, sexist, whatever) then I gues you need to deal with it. But it seems that there's larger issues here that need to be dealt with, as others have suggested.

As for Barbie and other juvenile images, yes, I'd agree they're immature and not exactly the mark of a cultured individual. 

C


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## Prairie

I really like this website.:smthumbup:


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## willow.h

Firstly, you should always let your partner/husband/wife know the boundaries of your relationship, and secondly you should always let them know what you will and won’t tolerate if you hope to have a lasting and meaningful relationship.

It is not the place of anyone to tell you what you should and shouldn’t tolerate in your personal relationships. Many have told you to mind your own business; I do wonder where the line is drawn for burying your head in the sand. 

If you are unhappy with the messages and you feel it is behaviour you cannot tolerate, then confront him, and if he doesn’t respect your feelings and wishes then ask him to what extent he does respect your feelings and wishes. Ask him what he feels is appropriate in your relationship, strip clubs? Porn? Cheating? Full blown affair? Know the boundaries he has set for your relationship, then set your own, decide if you can compromise (that means compromise from him too). 

Sometimes people don’t realise the extent of the hurt their actions cause others, so perhaps a good old fashioned bash about of emotions might help him see it from your prospective. If it still doesn’t work, then give him a taste of how you feel. Why not have some fun and exchange dirty messages with your single female friends. 

You must be confident in yourself, and confident in your convictions. Ask your husband if dirty messages are more important than his wives happiness and mental wellbeing. 

He doesn’t sound much of a man to honest, cares more for porn than the comfort of his wife, exposes his children to inappropriate media and doesn’t pull his weight. I’d give him a clout around the ear, tell him to grow up and get of his arse, I would then dress in a corset and suspenders and tell him I’m going to bed to entertain myself and he’s not invited! 

good luck with however you decide to deal with it x


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## major misfit

I didn't see anywhere where anyone called you a prude. The messages on his phone is one thing...not taking care of his business as a man is another. It sounds like there are bigger issues than the text messages. Maybe some posters would have you arbitrarily exert your will over them, but that's not a good way of going about it. You can try to discuss your concerns, but ultimately the decision is his. 
As far as not pulling his weight and exposing children to inappropriate materials tho? I would absolutely arbitrarily exert my will. Do it or else. I'm just mean enough to throw out games that my child shouldn't be exposed to, if the man isn't mature enough to censor that himself. Apparently nagging him isn't going to work, I'd start the hunt for different communication techniques. I once googled "communicating with a man-baby" just for fun. There's stuff out there, surely.


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## chillymorn

Some time you need him to fail and when he complains that YOU didnn't do thiss or YOU didn't do that you can say I'm not your mother You need to be able to take care of things yourself. Arn't you a big boy now if not maybe you shouldn't be looking at big boy material. LOL

sarcasim works for some people and I'm one of them.


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