# I’m back



## treading_water (May 22, 2015)

I wrote a post on here in 2015, asking for advice on how to stay in a miserable marriage. He’s finally leaving me and even though I know it has been bad for so long and that he never really loved me, I can’t shake these terrible, terrible feelings. I know the feelings are normal but I also feel like a five year old that just doesn’t want to have to go through this. I am in my own personal hell right now. It is two in the morning and I can’t sleep. I am back and forth between relief and hope and oh my God no why is this happening and rolling over to put my arm around him and he isn’t there and will never be there again and wtf how could he do this how could he leave us like this..... I’m cycling through so many different emotions that I can’t even process right now. I want to run away but there is no way to run from what I’m feeling and it is absolute TORTURE. I am gutted. EVEN THOUGH I know this will not last and I know it’s for the best and I know I will be in a much happier place at some point in time, right now I feel like I’m dying. I feel a sense of urgency like I should be doing something but I just can’t. I can’t focus at work I can’t focus at home. I don’t know what to think of feel so I am just thinking and feeling everything all at once. He left over a week ago. How long does this hell usually last? In this moment I am thinking I just don’t want this. I want him to come home. I want to forget any of this happened. I want to go back in time and make it right. I want my husband back. I feel like I should be calling the cops and rescue and the fire department and the army and freaking nasa like someone should be stepping in on this one. I need major help. I am losing it. We have four kids. They are losing it. I am holding it together in front of them but as soon as they aren’t looking I am just dust blowing in the wind. I feel like nothing. Like everything I once was is just gone and I don’t know who and what I am right now. I feel like I am in a void of existence just watching the world go by through a peephole. How can I make this stop? How can I make it less intense? If I know it was bad, why does this hurt so much? We were together for 11 years. How to speed this process up? I have stuff to handle and I simply cannot right now. I just can’t.


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## BlakeH (Sep 29, 2018)

I am so sorry to be reading this...i can just imagine how you are feeling... i too get like that when i am upset...what have helped me is reading Bible and praying praying praying...please know that you are not alone..when my husband shared news of him cheating..my first response was that its obviously over and that first night i felt like you described now.. its awful... i know you have kids..but you also need to look after yourself now...is there anyone around who can help out with the kids? Maybe also consider counseling..these people have heard it all before and can really help..thinking of you and sending you a virtual hug


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## Oceania (Jul 12, 2018)

treadingwater I too am so very sorry to hear that you are in such pain. I agree with BlakeH. Seek counselling, for you and the children. Visit your doctor asap. Just know that you are being heard and many hugs to you.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Oh, my...

The Host, RD is that man.
He owns this Avatar on TAM.

He fled to Brigadoon.
He is abandoning all, as is your husband.

We feel your pain, we live your pain.
We are not mocking you.
No, not.

Sorry...


The HeadMates-


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

*Re: I’m back*



treading_water said:


> I wrote a post on here in 2015, asking for advice on how to stay in a miserable marriage. He’s finally leaving me and even though I know it has been bad for so long and that he never really loved me, I can’t shake these terrible, terrible feelings. I know the feelings are normal but I also feel like a five year old that just doesn’t want to have to go through this. I am in my own personal hell right now. It is two in the morning and I can’t sleep. I am back and forth between relief and hope and oh my God no why is this happening and rolling over to put my arm around him and he isn’t there and will never be there again and wtf how could he do this how could he leave us like this..... I’m cycling through so many different emotions that I can’t even process right now. I want to run away but there is no way to run from what I’m feeling and it is absolute TORTURE. I am gutted. EVEN THOUGH I know this will not last and I know it’s for the best and I know I will be in a much happier place at some point in time, right now I feel like I’m dying. I feel a sense of urgency like I should be doing something but I just can’t. I can’t focus at work I can’t focus at home. I don’t know what to think of feel so I am just thinking and feeling everything all at once. He left over a week ago. How long does this hell usually last? In this moment I am thinking I just don’t want this. I want him to come home. I want to forget any of this happened. I want to go back in time and make it right. I want my husband back. I feel like I should be calling the cops and rescue and the fire department and the army and freaking nasa like someone should be stepping in on this one. I need major help. I am losing it. We have four kids. They are losing it. I am holding it together in front of them but as soon as they aren’t looking I am just dust blowing in the wind. I feel like nothing. Like everything I once was is just gone and I don’t know who and what I am right now. I feel like I am in a void of existence just watching the world go by through a peephole. How can I make this stop? How can I make it less intense? If I know it was bad, why does this hurt so much? We were together for 11 years. How to speed this process up? I have stuff to handle and I simply cannot right now. I just can’t.


Every single thing you wrote here......I have experienced......except having 4 kids. Mine were grown and gone. My mind and body were in hyperdrive. It's your defense mechanisms kicking in. Forced myself to have 1 bowl of chicken soup every three days. Didn't even want that. It was a hell of a weight loss program. A few things got me through it. I found this website and one other which were/are indispensable. I went to individual counseling and it just so happened that the counselor knew my STBXW, so he knew what I was up against. I attended a few church services which gave me strength and peace and some sense that I was not in control of my destiny. Lastly, I was fortunate to have a good friend that took time out of his life to come and hang with me for about 10 days and who had lived my situation already. I attended Divorce Care classes through a local church. I needed every bit of the help I sought and received. You have to find those pieces that are available to you and will bring you healing. Take stock of your assets and utilize them. Find your strength and TRY to forget lamenting the loss you are experiencing and redirect your mindset to the future. We all make it through this.......it's just a matter of how fast and how much pain each of us has to endure. Peace.......DM


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The first thing you need to do is go see your doctor. And ask for some temporary medicine to help you cope. When my mom died and I still wasn't coping 6 months later, mine gave me some mild antidepressants, and it just helped get me through the days.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Also, start exercising if you can to help get rid of stress -- could just be going out for a walk with the kids.
Do the children know why you are divorcing? Helping THEM cope may help you also. You need to focus on YOU and the kids, not him and what he is doing.

As others have suggested, get to your Doctor to see if you can get some meds to help you for a short while, and see if you can go to counseling. They have practical methods for dealing with these types of emotions and issues. Your kids may need this also.

Very sorry you are going through this.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

I just went back and read your original thread.

"We are so much happier when we don't have to be around one another."

"I don't need anyone to make me happy. I'm a generally happy person as it is. I'm pretty optimistic. So it's not like i'm looking for a replacement. I just want peace. I just want to live peacefully without this constant tension."

You've tried all the routes -- MC, Praying, etc., but nothing worked. You need to learn acceptance and get BACK to that person above -- you don't need someone to make you happy, and being optimistic.

Of COURSE you are going to grieve this marriage as you should -- this is all part of the cycle you will go through. Just realize that you WILL go through it, make time for it, allow it to happen, and hopefully learn about yourself as you go through it.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I'm sorry for the hurt and stress that you're experiencing. Unfortunately, the pain of loss has its own timetable and you can't fast forward it. Time, for me, was the only thing that helped but it can take longer than you think it possibly could. In the meantime, take very good care of yourself. And know that many of us have experienced those same feelings of devastation and totally understand. You are not alone.


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## WhiskeyVictor (Sep 13, 2016)

I am going through the same and I don’t know when it will get better. Have you considered working out, yoga or therapy to help you along the journey? I am going to go to therapy but like I’m your situation, my young kids are affected by the situation so with the resources available to us I will have to take them to see someone before I can. 

Try not to think about it so much, as crazy as it sounds. I have my good and my bad days (today is a bad one) but I won’t let that energy consume my life. Do you have a support system?


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

@treading_water

My suggestions;

- Don't try to deny any of the emotions you are feeling right now. You need to process them for what they are, feel them and deal with them now. They are normal. Right now I'm seeing a direct difference right now in the people that tried to deflect their feelings and emotions vs. how I basically went through Hell in back for 14 months but didn't deny anything and dealt with them as they came.

- Make sure you are seeing a counselor, getting help, this is a must. They will help you process the feelings and help you understand your own situation better than you can on your own and what you can expect, etc.

- There is no fast forward button to this bullsh**, best just to understand that it is BS but there's not much you can do about the situation/status in terms of the marriage, parenting, etc but you can control everything about yourself and how you are as a parent.

- I would not try to make sense of it all, rather focusing all energy on moving forward. There will be many times for reflection and that will help you grow in the future and you will get a much better sense of what really happened years from now. Right now, the emotion of it all will cloud a lot of vision and judgement.

- Understand IT WILL get better and it's cliche but only if you want it to. I went through about 14 months of Hell. Many would think of me as the strongest person they know from a psyche or emotional standpoint and I was downright almost broken completely. Having to go out to my car at work and just put the seat back and lay down since it was hard to function for a while. 3 Months out from the official divorce and having dealt with everything as it came, has gotten me to where I am today, which basically is this;

I still would have never chosen to divorce if it was possible to reconcile, meaning the effort went both ways but now that I am clear of that situation, I can see it a lot for what it was. I have been granted a pass at a new life with new opportunities and a new partner. If you can keep moving forward, understand this all sucks but know it will get better eventually ... you will eventually be ok but it's going to take at least 1-2 years to heal.


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