# Spousal Support



## mas1208 (Feb 24, 2009)

Hi all,

So it’s been just over a month since my stbx and I separated. Things are going as well as can be expected considering. Anyway, last Monday we had a meeting with a Mediator to start working through the paper work. One of the things they brought up was Maintenance (alimony) the stbx didn’t mention anything but took some notes when the lady talked about this. I didn’t think much of it at that moment but later that afternoon when we got home I got to thinking about it. That night I asked her if she was planning on asking for Maintenance and she said yes?!?!

Now here is a little back ground. She has an associate’s degree in finance and has worked in the stock industry as a sales associate for stock brokers for the past 10+ years, up until last July that is. At that time she was let go (fired) from her job where she was making 40k+ bonuses. Granted she only lasted about six months at this particular job. The job before that one she was making 32k+ a year and was at that job for about 16 months. She only left that one because I caught her in an EA with a co-worker and she offered to find another job to ease our tensions. Now for those 10+ years she has been making anywhere from 30k to 50k a year at various jobs. The problem is her current job only pays $10 an hour and she works an average of 50 to 60 hours a week. She works corporate security (front desk of office building) during the day and event staffing for sports and concert venues at night. So monthly she is bringing about $1500 to $1800.

Now I'm not trying to be a jerk here but I just don’t see how she should be given maintenance considering she has the schooling, knowledge and experience to be making a LOT more money, she just chooses not to. If she wanted she could probably find a job making at least 30k+. We live in Colorado and I know that one of the things they look at is earning potential so I was just wondering if anyone here had any similar experiences and could help me out with how their situation went. I asked on another site about this an one person said that the judge could impute her past earnings on her now to figure maintenance but another said that because she left that job so long ago (9 months) that could be seen as me accepting her new career change. At the time we were able to get by so I didn’t argue but I wasn’t necessarily happy with it since it severely cut into our income.

So again I'm just curious to see if anyone has been in the same or a similar situation and could offer some insight. I am going to try to talk to a lawyer to see what my options are. Like I said, I'm not trying to be a jerk but she is looking for $1100 a month which is about a third of my take home pay and would leave me pretty much broke after I pay my bills, all because she just doesnt want to find a different job.

Thanks for reading


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

This is just my personal opinion... and I'm a woman.

Unless there are children involved, and I'm assuming you don't have any. Then I can't see why she needs any money from you.

I would never ask for spousal support.... once you split, you go your separate ways. 

Unless of course she over the course of your marriage, helped you out of an enourmous debt, that she paid to help you out of, and is wanting you to "pay her back" but even then,,, it would be something she did while married to you. 

I have never gotten the idea of alimony.... 

I can understand child support. but if there are no kids, then I don't get it.

I would urge her to try and find the best job possible. maybe you could compromise, and agree to give her a bit of money , for maybe 6 months, as which point the money will stop, and she's totally on her own?

Sorry you're dealing with this..


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## mas1208 (Feb 24, 2009)

Hi Marina,

Thank you for the reply. Yes we do have a daughter, she is 9 and at the end of third grade, I meant to mention that. We are sharing custody 50/50. With the disparity in incomes I am more than happy to pay child support and planned on/planning on taking on her private school tuition. The stbx and I still need to sit down and talk this through as I'm not sure if she was thinking she would have to still pay that (tuition) or not. Looking at the child support worksheet for our state based on just our incomes I would be looking at $335 a month for CS and if I did pay the tuition that would be another $490 a month so that is $825 which I could swing a little easier than the $1100 a month, which didnt include the CS which with the maintenance would only come to an extra $97 a month.

Her problem is that she loves her current job and will not find another, unless of course a judge tells her she has to find more gainful employment.


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

I think the current amount for child support and the private school tuition is More than enough for you to pay...

I would stand your ground on this one.

Tell her to get over it and get a higher paying job is she can. 

you shouldn't have to pay out that much of your income. And unless you bring home 8000 dollars a month.... then that would be a hardship.


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## sunnygirl (Nov 23, 2008)

You have to consider that if she is used to a certain lifestyle that included both of your salaries and has bills related to such a lifestyle, then you have to pay spousal support. period. This is all part of getting a divorce. Also, if you haven't noticed the economic down-turn, high-paying jobs are a bit hard to come by these days. BTW, her years in the same profession are good, but an associates degree is hardly a ticket to wealth...I know it may seem unfair that you have to halp her out, but that is simply the law---and it is the right thing to do, frankly.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

If she took off time or chose her jobs in part based on the need to be available for your daughter--which many, many women do--then she has a legitimate reason for being "underemployed" by your standard. It is extremely rare for a mother to make career decisions without factoring in the realities of what a child/family need, even if this is not verbalized. In my personal experience, men do not make these same automatic mental adjustments and are, therefore, more likely to be seen as truly "career oriented."

Your daughter may well pay the price if you decide to force your wife to switch jobs. I'm not one who believes that women "naturally" deserve support, but given how so many women make decisions based on the expecation of needing to meet family needs, I think it is wise to factor this in when you make your decision.


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

child support is the law, spousal support is not, not in the strictest sense of the word. that varies, and it's mostly a matter between the two parties. if there were no kids involved, then if this woman got used to a certain "lifestyle" it's not the man's responsiblity After they are divorced, to "keep" his ex wife in that lifestyle... to say otherwise is the epitome of a greedy woman. and one that likes being "kept".... That is just my two cents.

sisters359 is correct, in that many women make career choices based on their kids. And I agree that he ought to pay child support, and paying for his child's private school tuition, is a good thing for him to do.....

but come on.... should he Really have to pay even more, so that she can keep her current job? And unless the hours are such that it means she can stay at home with her daughter, or be at home when she gets home from school, which we can't Assume that is the reason, which I'm doubting.. because even if she worked nights, she'd be Sleeping during the day.... it sounds to me like she just likes her job, and has no intentions of changing it. We don't know that she just wants to keep that job, just because she does...


Reality needs to set in here,,, fact is, They are splitting, and so the Mom is Just as responsible for financially supporting her child.
This guy is going to pay over 850 dollars a month... and you don't feel this is enough?

my ex husband only pays a meager 200 buck a month, for child support, and that's only because he's military, and can't get away with not paying...

This gal is lucky he is so willing to take care of his child. He has no responsibility whatsoever, to take care of his ex wife Too....


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## mas1208 (Feb 24, 2009)

Thanks for the replies all.

Let me provide some more information regarding her current job. Like I mentioned during the day she works corporate security, basically sitting at the front desk of an office building making sure everyone has their access card and what not, and also walking the parking lot making sure no one is illegally parked. Her hours are 7am to 3pm Tuesday through Friday. After work on these days she will go pick up our daughter from school. Now for her night job the starting time can change. We'll take this past week for an example. She had Monday and Tuesday night off. Wed she had to be at work at 5pm, Thursday at 6:30pm, Friday at 5pm. On Saturday she had to work a double, she had to be there for a hockey game by 12pm for a game that started at 3pm then there was a lacrosse game that started at 7pm. Sunday she had a game where she had to be there by 1pm for a 3pm game. Tonight she has to be there by 5pm for a 7pm game. Tomorrow and Wednesday she is working concerts that start at 6:30pm so she has to be there 2 hours early.

Now this by no means is her perminant schedule all year. When Hockey and Basketball season is over she doesnt have to work as much but she will be working Soccer games and any and all concerts that come up.

So as you can see she did not make this career change to make time to take care of our daughter. I'm not saying she is neglecting our daughter at all, she is a great mother, but her reason for taking this job was solely because she just didnt want to deal with the stress of finding another job in the stock industry.


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

Sunnygirl. If the situation would be reversed...the man was at home making little to no money and is the one with the child the most etc... would it be right?

I'm in this very situation, and I'm being told its NOT right by my wife. She thinks I'm out to get her, but I'm raising our son!?!?! I make it possible for her to go to work...she makes 51,000 a year.

I do have a degree, but I just graduated 6 months ago. I've been very active in the job market but have only one interview under my belt. Its very hard out there....


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I guess the alimony issue depends on the situation. I invested 22 years in a marriage and I am not going to live a life of poverty because my husband decided he was unhappy one day. We had a thriving business until my husband's ego (and expensive women) destroyed that. After we file bankruptcy, my husband will be able to pick up another job immediately paying 125K. I, on the other hand, will have nothing.


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## brenz (Jan 21, 2009)

827Aug said:


> I guess the alimony issue depends on the situation. I invested 22 years in a marriage and I am not going to live a life of poverty because my husband decided he was unhappy one day. We had a thriving business until my husband's ego (and expensive women) destroyed that. After we file bankruptcy, my husband will be able to pick up another job immediately paying 125K. I, on the other hand, will have nothing.



I hear you...I'm in the same boat. He was good at hiding feelings...blah!

Anyways....he supported (emotionally, finacially) me to start my own business, (quit my banking job) which I did. Last year I made 20,000. Not much by a long shot compared to his 120,000.00. So, those who balk at spousal support....how do you think it's anywhere near fair when you are working together as a team, planning for retirement, and putting your trust into someone with the same goals for them to say....oh...by the way..I'm out...you need to figure your bills, payments, etc on your own (nevermind THEY encouraged you to do this). I wish I didnt need support..truly. The bills and obligations are still there....part of the team or plan. I will be fine, just need some help to get there when the rug has been pulled out. The "legal" term is unjust enrichment for one spouse over the other

I am crossing my fingers for a Lotto win so I dont need his help for the kids and myself, and I kid at the chance of that....


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## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

Riding in the boat with Brenz and Aug too. I am disabled and the disability occured during the marriage. Prior to it I was working and contributing financially. He made 100K last year and I will never be able to work again plus face future medical bills the rest of my life. My disability check is a drop in the bucket to his income and now that I've been diagnosed with cancer in addition to my ongoing health issues, there is no way I could support myself with the medical issues I will face in the future or basic living expenses. The things I can no longer do also factors into the costs. Each situation is different. I'm already being kicked while I am down and he shouldn't be able to walk away scott free.


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## taffy (May 30, 2009)

I need some sort of legal redress for this problem. Married for 17 years with 6 children together. I was a stay at home mom for 14 years, while I did EVERYTHING to maintain the household/family solo, so he could spend ALL of his time developing his 100K plus salary position, and be free to travel as required. When we married we made EQUAL salaries, and I had three children in three years including one permanently disabled newborn and needed to take care of them.
He committed adultery many times, and spent the last three years of the marriage living with his Adulteress. He spent years taking the tiny children with him on his sleep overs with his Adulteress while we were still married.
He still makes the huge salary, but now is married to the Adulteress who has an equally huge salary. They have a child they conceived together many months before they were married.
I had alimony for a time so I could keep our house so our six children would have a place to live. Now the alimony is gone. It is still a large effort to run a household alone, and I think it is unfair that he gets a brand new wife, new child, new car, and a new house. I can't pay the mortgage, let alone the bills, and everything is broken, old and in need of repair/replacement. I tried selling the house, after doing everything 5 realtors told me to do, I couldn't give it away at $35K under market value. Do I just wait until I get foreclosed and walk away to the nearest bridge under a freeway?
We get help with foodstamps and government funded daycare and tuition so I can go back to school. We are making our mortgage payments with student loan money.
There should be some legal redress that I should be able to get for his committing adultery and abandoning us.
Does anybody know how this can be successfully accomplished? Unjust enrichment? Alienation of Affection? Breach of Contract? Exemplary Damages? Criminal Conversation?
There should be some lifelong support in place for me since I changed my career plans to stay home and raise the kids and manage the ENTIRE household solo for the duration of his career building. I was counting on the team effort of retirement building, and even just paying the mortgage/bills.
What am I supposed to be doing? I have spent the last three years going back to school to get an RN. I only have a year to go, but no way to earn sufficient income to cover daycare for three and earn enough for bills at present. I compromised my dream of becoming a pharmacist to be his wife and mother to all his kids. Where does that leave me?
I developed a disabling condition due to his cruel abuse, and this requires continuous medication and treatment. I will be without health insurance entirely and feel this is also unfair.


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## Country Girl (Apr 19, 2009)

taffy said:


> I need some sort of legal redress for this problem. Married for 17 years with 6 children together. I was a stay at home mom for 14 years, while I did EVERYTHING to maintain the household/family solo, so he could spend ALL of his time developing his 100K plus salary position, and be free to travel as required. When we married we made EQUAL salaries, and I had three children in three years including one permanently disabled newborn and needed to take care of them.
> He committed adultery many times, and spent the last three years of the marriage living with his Adulteress. He spent years taking the tiny children with him on his sleep overs with his Adulteress while we were still married.
> He still makes the huge salary, but now is married to the Adulteress who has an equally huge salary. They have a child they conceived together many months before they were married.
> I had alimony for a time so I could keep our house so our six children would have a place to live. Now the alimony is gone. It is still a large effort to run a household alone, and I think it is unfair that he gets a brand new wife, new child, new car, and a new house. I can't pay the mortgage, let alone the bills, and everything is broken, old and in need of repair/replacement. I tried selling the house, after doing everything 5 realtors told me to do, I couldn't give it away at $35K under market value. Do I just wait until I get foreclosed and walk away to the nearest bridge under a freeway?
> ...


Check the terms of your divorce. My attorney is asking for permanent alimony along with a clause which allows for future adjustments. My situation is similar to yours. I'm sorry you are having a tough time. I'm probably going to be there soon enough even with the alimony. Hang in there!


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## taffy (May 30, 2009)

Unfortunately this is a NO alimony state. Any alimony is given "voluntarily" and NONE is every ordered in this state. I got some for a period of three years. My three years is up. I still need childcare for three that I can't afford at present. I will get the RN and then maybe I can work something out. Maybe a school nurse would work? I wouldn't need childcare, because I could work with the kids. Maybe home healthcare, where I could work around their schedule? I don't know.
I still have the big house I can't afford, and I tried selling it and that didn't work either. Meanwhile it makes me sick to look at the "other" women when she shows up at MY house to take my minor children with her. And I get to listen to them cry uncontrollably while they relate cruelties she perpetrates. I just didn't sign up for any of this when I got married in the Church.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I feel for each of you that is suffering, and it's always easy to want to take the bastard to the cleaners when you feel wronged, but my situation is much more similar to the OP's.

From my perspective, my ex has been absolutely derelict in her responsibilities to the family. I tried to compensate everywhere I could. I tried to mend the marriage, I worked harder, I got jobs making more money ... all because she refuses to get a job so that she can be home for the kids.
She has a college degree, I do not. She makes roughly 12K doing what she enjoys, and what works for her schedule. I have worked hard doing jobs I'm not terribly fond of, regardless of what I like or is required to earn 100k. (Have not been making that for long, and there is a backlog of debt)
I want to be a good father. I wanted to be a good husband. We have 2 children together for which the mediator calculated support at roughly $2400.00 a month. I appreciate that she wanted to be home for our kids - but what good is that intention if doing so threatens the possibility of having a home? 

The point is, we were sinking financially when we were together. Now, she wants to maintain her lifestyle, and simply allow me to sink alone. 

Being screwed cuts both ways.


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## LilMamaSlim (May 12, 2009)

Personally I get spousal, only because he quit paying the bills 3-6 months ago and left me in huge debt... seeings how he refuses to pay for anything for the kids or bills, its the least he can do. (its only 300.00/month) not to mention we have 2 kids he won't even see. 

But if I was bringing in enough to pay off those bills he racked up I wouldn't have even asked for it.

I think it boils down to the mediator and what he/she thinks is best though.


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## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

taffy said:


> I need some sort of legal redress for this problem. Married for 17 years with 6 children together. I was a stay at home mom for 14 years, while I did EVERYTHING to maintain the household/family solo, so he could spend ALL of his time developing his 100K plus salary position, and be free to travel as required. When we married we made EQUAL salaries, and I had three children in three years including one permanently disabled newborn and needed to take care of them.
> He committed adultery many times, and spent the last three years of the marriage living with his Adulteress. He spent years taking the tiny children with him on his sleep overs with his Adulteress while we were still married.
> He still makes the huge salary, but now is married to the Adulteress who has an equally huge salary. They have a child they conceived together many months before they were married.
> I had alimony for a time so I could keep our house so our six children would have a place to live. Now the alimony is gone. It is still a large effort to run a household alone, and I think it is unfair that he gets a brand new wife, new child, new car, and a new house. I can't pay the mortgage, let alone the bills, and everything is broken, old and in need of repair/replacement. I tried selling the house, after doing everything 5 realtors told me to do, I couldn't give it away at $35K under market value. Do I just wait until I get foreclosed and walk away to the nearest bridge under a freeway?
> ...


6 kids + 100k plus salary ought to equal some pretty decent child support...has their not been discussion of that? I live in KS have one daughter (not w/my current hubby-I had her when I was 19) daughter's father pays $430 a month for one child on a salary that is close to if right at 30k a year.


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## LilMamaSlim (May 12, 2009)

What should be understood is that child/spousal support shouldn't be used to drag one of the other down. I know that here, if you cheat you get no spousal. If you make more than your SO, you pay spousal. Unless you break your vows during the marriage (adultrey) or you ended the marriage yourself, you get something, but only if your earning potential is less than the payor. In my case, his earning potential IS greater and he has no bills to pay (everything is in my name) so I was awarded a small amount. 
Child support is to support the child, not the parent, that's what it should be used for. That's my opinion.


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## Lostman (May 23, 2009)

I would have to agree with LilMama. If either one of you breaks your vows shouldn't have to pay spousal. Both of you agree (mutually) then neither should pay spousal.


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