# how to stop dwelling?



## can'tbelieveit (Dec 8, 2009)

I need some tips on how to stop dwelling. My H had a EA that turned into a PA. I found out in Oct. We are working on our marriage, but I can't seem to stop myself from thinking about their "relationship". Everything I do, I seem to wonder. Did she do this, or did she do that. I'm not sure I even want to know. The A was a result of what was lacking in our marriage, I realize that, so really it isn't even about her. I find that I have really good days and then I crash and have a really bad day. I know this is all normal, but how can I get these visions out of my head? I try to chant (in my head) he chose to stay with me, he chose to stay with me...but then I think, I shouldn't have been a 'choice'. 

We are trying to move forward, but I feel like I can't move forward with these thoughts almost constantly swimming around in my head. I am just so frustrated, more with myself than anything! 

Thanks for letting me vent.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Well we have the same timeline I think! ha ha. I am just like you in the fact my H had an EA followed by a PA that thank god he ended after just two weeks. I am struggling horribly with all the things that went on to cover it up. His A was actually 18 months ago, so a lot of lies went in to cover it all up and make sure I didn't know. So being that infidelity causes massive trust issues, this made it a billion times harder. 
The only suggestion I can give you is to talk about it. Not necessarily talk about his A, but talk to him about how you are feeling about it all. I told my H the other day that I wondered if she knew more about him than I did. We talked about that, and we even talked about some things we never knew about each other and that cured the itch. Until days later where I mentioned that I was having trouble getting over how he could just do that to me. And he sat with me and talked for hours, snuggled with me, hugged me and told me that it was the worst thing he had ever done. All things I need to hear a lot to keep me off of the bad that has happened and keep me looking at the good. 
We have decided to start going to the range together and firing our pistols together. That is going to be our activity since we both really enjoy it. And it reminds me that we have really good times, something that was lacking when he cheated.


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## lisakifttherapy (Jul 31, 2007)

When I work with couples who have experienced infidelity, the issue of the "tape playing repeatedly in the head" is a common one - and it can be very disturbing.

The people who have been cheated on often want to know every gory detail but the problem is this can serve to fortify the feedback loop in your head!

Hopefully when you do have those moments you can talk about it honestly with your husband and he provides the understanding and empathy that you need. It will take time for the imagry to decrease but in time it will.

Good for you that you're working on the marriage - infidelity is one of the hardest things couples can go through but those who stick it out and do the work of healing can come out even stronger!


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

Cantbelieve it,

Okay your situation sounds SO much like mine that I actually had to reread your thread and who wrote it because I was starting to panic thinking I had wrote something and forgot! LOL Also, October had to have been the worst month EVER because I too found out about my H's A in October! 

The dwelling and thinking is the part that's holding me back as well. Most of my days are good days but then I crash - just as you say. My H and I are doing great truly - we're closer than we've been in years and getting along wonderfully, in every way. Just like you, the A was a result of what was lacking in our marriage so just like you, it had nothing to do with her. She filled a void. period. That's the part I need to keep reminding myself. My H loves ME, has always loved ME and wants to be with ME. 

Like you I am so frustrated that I can't get these thoughts gone and am more mad at myself for thinking them. In fact, last night was the first night in probably months that I cried. (wasn't expecting it) My H and I had a fantastic intimate evening! But, "during" what pops into my mind but I wonder if he did this with her, is he enjoying this so much because it's me or because he used to with her........" You know how the tape goes. We were cuddling together and I lost it. He was taken back and said - "what is wrong?" I told him exactly what I was feeling and thinking. He did exactly what he should have - he hugged me tighter and said how sorry he was. He let me down, he let himself down and he's so sorry. He also told me that he has always loved our sex life, he always enjoyed being with me. So, what I need to understand and remember was that he didn't go to someone else because I wasn't good enough or he was looking for something better - we didn't have a sex life at that point basically!!

So, I too want to figure out the magic fix to erase these horrible thoughts in my mind. This may sound silly but I try to rationalize it this way. Prior to my H and I meeting, he was quite the ladies man (or as we used to joke a male *****! LOL) He was a single, 23 year old guy who was having fun....often! So, I am trying to say to myself, it's not like I was his first or second or third or.....and I got over and accepted that - I should be able to accept this. (granted that was before me and not after we said our wedding vows.) But that's what I am trying to do. I mean, I am trying to seperate out just the sex part. Because that's all it was. He wasn't in love with her, she wasn't in love with him. I need to be thinking in my mind that I am so lucky because he chose me and I am the one in bed with him every night. I am the one he is calling and texting all day because he can't wait to see me. 

Hopefully one of us can find the magic solution that makes our minds STOP doing this to ourselves!! The good thing, which I need to keep thinking too, is that part of the reason my H was so taken back with my reaction last night is because he DOESN'T think of her or them........only I do! It's only ME replaying things in my mind, not him! UGH! 

Until I find the solution to turn my brain off, I guess I'll just stick with clouding my brain with some good 'ole wine!


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## blindsided (Nov 29, 2008)

Yes, those "images" are hard to shake, and I struggled with that too. Here's what I did to cope:

During the course of my husband's confession, my absolute shock/anger/hurt, and multiple, multiple conversations we had talking about our feelings, there is one memory I can never forget.....he stood there with tears in his eyes and did not utter ONE word while I ranted and raved, yelled and screamed, (I literally did not recognize myself, and neither would anyone else who knows me well), but he was so ashamed, humble and apologetic while I vented, that I finally took a good look at him, saw his absolute misery and fear, and realized how much he was hurting too. So, whenever those awful "images" tried to surface in my mind, I immediately brought up ThAT memory to replace it. This worked well for me. 

I also spent a lot of time thinking about the fact that we are not merely the sum of the bad things we do in our life.......I asked myself if one terrible act could really negate 27 years of being a good husband and father....and the answer was no. 

Good luck to you. There really is a light at the end of the tunnel.


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## can'tbelieveit (Dec 8, 2009)

mommy2 said:


> He wasn't in love with her, she wasn't in love with him. I need to be thinking in my mind that I am so lucky because he chose me and I am the one in bed with him every night. I am the one he is calling and texting all day because he can't wait to see me.


The thing is, is that he did say that he was in love with her. As heartbreaking as that is. He also said that he loves me also, which is also heartbreaking. I told him that i don't think he was "in love" with her. He was in love with a fantasy. I told him to go be with her, have a couple of kids (ours are 4 and 5), house, bills, cars, laundry, yardwork, etc., and call me in 9 years and tell me how it is. I can almost guarantee that it would be no different, only a different person. He said that he hadn't thought about that. No sh!t, you didn't think at all! @SS! Sorry, got a little angry there. 



> Hopefully one of us can find the magic solution that makes our minds STOP doing this to ourselves!! The good thing, which I need to keep thinking too, is that part of the reason my H was so taken back with my reaction last night is because he DOESN'T think of her or them........only I do! It's only ME replaying things in my mind, not him! UGH!


If i think of one, I'll be sure to let you know!!!



> Until I find the solution to turn my brain off, I guess I'll just stick with clouding my brain with some good 'ole wine!


Yes, wine is a good soother...


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## can'tbelieveit (Dec 8, 2009)

blindsided said:


> Yes, those "images" are hard to shake, and I struggled with that too. Here's what I did to cope:
> 
> During the course of my husband's confession, my absolute shock/anger/hurt, and multiple, multiple conversations we had talking about our feelings, there is one memory I can never forget.....he stood there with tears in his eyes and did not utter ONE word while I ranted and raved, yelled and screamed, (I literally did not recognize myself, and neither would anyone else who knows me well), but he was so ashamed, humble and apologetic while I vented, that I finally took a good look at him, saw his absolute misery and fear, and realized how much he was hurting too. So, whenever those awful "images" tried to surface in my mind, I immediately brought up ThAT memory to replace it. This worked well for me.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much Blindsided. You are absolutely correct, my H has been a wonderful husband and a terrific father! And the A while I never thought was in him, does not make him who he is. If that makes any sense. He is a good man, the A while was a BAD decision, it is not WHO he is. I just have to keep reminding myself that.


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

_Thank you so much Blindsided. You are absolutely correct, my H has been a wonderful husband and a terrific father! And the A while I never thought was in him, does not make him who he is. If that makes any sense. He is a good man, the A while was a BAD decision, it is not WHO he is. I just have to keep reminding myself that. _

cantbelieve it - you are absolutely right. My H is a wonderful father and husband too. That's what I need to keep telling myself also. Thank you!

_
The thing is, is that he did say that he was in love with her. As heartbreaking as that is. He also said that he loves me also, which is also heartbreaking. I told him that i don't think he was "in love" with her. He was in love with a fantasy. I told him to go be with her, have a couple of kids (ours are 4 and 5), house, bills, cars, laundry, yardwork, etc., and call me in 9 years and tell me how it is. I can almost guarantee that it would be no different, only a different person. He said that he hadn't thought about that. No sh!t, you didn't think at all! @SS! Sorry, got a little angry there_. 

Cantbelieve - I should say that when my H first told me of his A, his exact words were - "I'm in love with ______" So, he too thought that for a while. Through lots of talking and counseling he has now realized he didn't love her. He may have been in love with the fantasy. Just as you said and I too, pointed out to him! I said well if she lived in my shoes with the stress of small children (6,3), financial struggles/worries, etc. she'd be a completely different person! I said it was easy to be everything he wanted and needed without any of that! For him too, a lightbulb went off and he said, "huh, you're right - I didn't think about that!" Amazning what happens when they use their brains to think, eh? LOL (sorry my fangs/venom surfaced)


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

blindsided said:


> Yes, those "images" are hard to shake, and I struggled with that too. Here's what I did to cope:
> 
> During the course of my husband's confession, my absolute shock/anger/hurt, and multiple, multiple conversations we had talking about our feelings, there is one memory I can never forget.....he stood there with tears in his eyes and did not utter ONE word while I ranted and raved, yelled and screamed, (I literally did not recognize myself, and neither would anyone else who knows me well), but he was so ashamed, humble and apologetic while I vented, that I finally took a good look at him, saw his absolute misery and fear, and realized how much he was hurting too. So, whenever those awful "images" tried to surface in my mind, I immediately brought up ThAT memory to replace it. This worked well for me.
> 
> ...


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