# What do I do now?



## Scranton (Sep 22, 2015)

I’ve been reading many posts on different sites and have finally got the courage up to tell my own story. I’m 47, have been married for 17 years and have a 15 year old son.
I’m English and went to work in a European country around 25 years ago.
I meet a local girl and after a stop start relationship, including a weekend affair by her, we married eight years into our relationship. We were happy and had a son together.

I believe she wasn’t diagnosed with post natal depression as her character changed gradually until she finally went to a psychologist six years into our marriage and was diagnosed as depressed. I dedicated most of my time to our son, she became increasingly busy at work. We failed to work at our marriage, she accused me of being impossible to talk, I said she was never around etc (how I wish I could turn the clock back!) Finally in late 2008 she said she wasn’t happy and wanted a divorce. She denied there being anyone else, I cried and pleaded (basically all the wrong things I could) After a couple of days she admitted there was someone else but wouldn’t say who.

Eventually I found someone who had been through the same experience and learned to calm down and wait. He put us in contact with a marriage counselor. My wife went reluctantly as she was still seeing the OM. She explained there that he had failed to leave his wife and she didn’t know what to do. She believed you either love someone or you don’t.

Her psychologist had told to not be so stupid and work to save her marriage and family but she couldn’t see it.

After about five months, including a few days holiday to think, she admitted the OM was her boss who was about 13 years older. Her boss told his wife who insisted that my wife was sacked and he decided to stay in his marriage.

I gave her time, still loved her and after a short time she found a new job. Our home life carried on as easily as ever, our son never knew, we still did things as a family etc.
Some of her family knew and thanked me for standing by her. After about a year, she decided she wanted to leave, didn’t go on holiday to my family and stayed at home.
I had to explain to my parents why and asked them not to change in their treatment of her. She went one morning to ask her sister if she could stay but changed her mind the same day.
Sinks then we have been together for the past four years, we haven’t had sex but with time she did do some things for my pleasure but said she didn’t want me to do anything for her.
We’ve laughed together, been out with friends and watched our son grow but always avoided talking about us. I always greet and say good night with a kiss, we sometimes hug etc. About three weeks ago I asked for some affection and she returned to the I love you, you are wonderful and my best friend but love either is or it isn’t conversation. She talked of leaving as she can’t imagine that I am happy as we are now but didn’t come to a decision. I’ve always wanted my son to grow up in a loving house and he has. I hate to think of him being damaged in his teenager years by our selfishness. Of course I’m scared of change, in a foreign country where I dedicate most of my time to work and family, I’m quite reserved with strangers and don’t have many friends outside of our circle.
I’m trying focus on my own mental state following advice posted here but I’m beginning to lose heart.It is has been a few days since I kissed her or sent a message at work.
I think she thinks I'm just been miserable although I still smile and chat with her and son.Is it worth trying anymore or time to let go?


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

you either need to tackle the infidelity correctly (not rug sweep) or D


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

This is a job for Phoenix...

She is not into you. She may be in another A, or she just may not have that spark for you anymore. This is easy to understand because you rug swept the affair. That leads to a loss of respect, and I suspect she no longer wants to sleep with a man she does not respect. All because you did not respect yourself.

Either way, you are left with a very clear choice. 

"Wife, I love you, but I will not accept remaining in a relationship that does not include passion. You are clearly not passionate about me, so I love you enough to set you free."

If she resists, tell her that you expect improvement very quickly, and MC at a minimum, or you will set her free whether she wants it or not.


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## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

I'm not sure, some marriages just can't be saved. I'm sorry you are going through this with our wife. I never want to advocate divorce and I hope she will continue to marriage counseling with you and see through her mistakes and stay. But the infidelity does need to be addressed in counseling, I wouldn't ignore it and simply forgive her.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You rug swept her affair right underneath yourself, because you are the rug. (READ: DOORMAT) Do you really think so lowly of yourself that you feel this is the kind of wife you deserve?? You haven't raised your child in a loving home, sorry but its been nothing but a lie. This woman does not love or respect you, so respect yourself and show her the door.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

I agree with the others who have said that your wife is just not in love with you anymore. To be frank, her apathy towards you combined with the lack of intimacy makes me think she checked out of the relationship many years ago. Sounds like the only thing keeping you two together is your son. Does he know about the difficulties in your relationship? If so, he may recognize that he is the glue binding you to your wife in this unhappy marriage. That is a lot of pressure to put on a child. Trust me, I know this first hand.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Do you still love her, or do you stay with her because you're afraid to live your own life?

I know you want to stay in the marriage because of your son, but you can't control her. She always wants to leave and this must cause havoc on YOU.

Neither one of you is happy. Can you two make it work until your son takes off to college/university? That day is almost coming. Have you and your wife talked about this possibility? Limbo sucks and you have done this for too long. It's very painful. 

You know that she will eventually leave right? Why don't you seek IC for yourself to prepare yourself for the inevitable. You are very caring and unselfish, but you do deserve so much more. Please seek professional help. 

Bibi


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Jeeze!!!!! She doesn't want you. Why waste more of your life.

You really do need to figure out how to stop being a doormat.

No respect is a major problem.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Divorce.


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## CarlaRose (Jul 6, 2014)

What you do now is start acting like a man with an ounce of self respect. Because you don't have any self respect, you make it impossible for your wife to respect you. You've been reading marriage sites out of desperation to keep your wife, but you don't know what a woman needs, and you likely haven't tried to find that out. It's not so simple as you and many other men think it is to hold on to a woman and keep her interested, but it isn't difficult either. You need to know what you should represent to her, and you need to know what she needs. Do some research on those things.

Look up Athol Kay's Alpha and Beta Male Traits, and read his blog and his ebooks while you're at it. He will help you begin to be the kind of man your wife can love and respect. Then, you should leave. Yep, you should leave her because the thought of losing you will blow her mind and make her want you even more. Actually, had you left before when she had the affair, it would have made a world of difference. But you stayed and cried and begged like lap dog that she just kept on kicking. Instead of placing the fate of your marriage in her hands, you were supposed to act like you had some self respect and be intolerant of her disrespect. You would have shown her that there was something in you that SHE could respect.

If you start changing your ways now and show yourself to be the alpha man that she needs, she will be the one begging you to stay or to come back home.

The second thing is the learning what she needs in the bedroom. Her affair proved that outside of the bedroom, you are not the man she needs. She went for someone she could love and respect - someone who represented strength and power, unlike you. But the affair may also tell the story of what goes on inside the bedroom, which doesn't seem to be much, especially since she doesn't even want you to make any effort for her sexually. It may be hard to hear this, but it sounds like she gave up any hope and began to feel like there is just no point because there's nothing in it for her. Some guys, maybe many (I don't really know) don't have any idea what sex is like for their female partner. A guy might think it's the same for her that it is for him. You may be fine with the in and out motion of sexual intercourse and find it satisfying. The friction feels good to you, but it's not just a given for her because it's not the same for her. She has erogenous zones that need pressure, so the biggest of your problems may be that you have to learn her erogenous zones and how to stimulate them. Another thing is oral sex. If you do that for her, then you must be incredibly bad at it because I can't imagine a woman EVER turning it down if it's done well. You might want to research that too to learn how to do it right.

So, you and probably most of the other men reading this will probably want to blast me for making such assumptions, but, honestly, I didn't make any assumptions at all. Being that I am a woman, you have told me everything in your post that I need to know. So, for all the men who want to chime in and tell me how GREAT they are in bed but their wife still wont have sex with them, then I respectfully disagree and submit that perhaps you re-examine your over-inflated ego rather than get defensive with me. The bottom line, Scranton, is that YOUR wife still had sex and WANTED to continue. She just doesn't want sex with you, so how could I be so far off the mark?

Sorry, but I know the truth hurts sometimes. I'm trying to give you a woman's perspective and let you know you have some work to do. And, as hard as it may be to walk out the door, it's what you need to do. I doubt the separation will last long if you first spend some time manning up.


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## Scranton (Sep 22, 2015)

Update. We are separating today. She has admitted that she has restarted her affair with the OM even though he has been in other relationships since her. She feels she wants to try to be happy again. She loves me as a friend and we're going to try do everything amicably. Sleepless night together and a lot of hugging. Today we are going to talk to our son. Thanks for all the comments, I appreciate even the hard love!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Tell her parents and siblings that she's cheating on you. They need to know so they can deal correctly with it. There's still a chance at saving the marriage, but you've been doing a lot of wrong things. 

Pay a visit to her OM's wife, if they're still married and inform her. 

Make it hard for her to cheat.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Why isn't her boss fired ? You can bring a lawsuit against the company in most European countries for alienation of affection.

Did he fire her on his wife's say so ? How did your wife feel about that? Did she have to find another job? Did she get any compensation?

And I cannot believe you carried on living with her!!! She must have zero respect for you.

So many things wrong with this whole affair! What he did was unlawful. 

You really need to man up here and wreak havoc on both, your wife, and the POSOM!


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## Scranton (Sep 22, 2015)

Update. We have spoken to our son who was stunned and it broke my heart. Yes he did fire her on the wife's say so, my wife decide to end it then but then OM's wife divorced him after the affair a few years back and kept almost everything. He lived with another woman until she died and then he came back for my wife who is still obsessed by him. Yesterday we went out for dinner as a family and then a movie at home. Today we lay in bed and hugged for almost an hour. She's delaying moving out as she doesn't want to live with OM at the moment who is far from our son. Later he'll be living nearer. I've told if she loves him so much she should go. Brain scrambled.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Scranton, I know this is very tough on you but you have to stand up and be a man. You have not laid down any boundaries with your WW at all the first time nor this time. You have also not fought for her but basically let her call all the shots.
Now you have to expose her to family and friends, so she cannot rewrite history. She will be miserable (eventually) with the OM because he doesn't care about her or has no respect for her, but that is her choice, let her deal with the consequences.

Get yourself some IC to find out why you let her walk all over you. You do not want bringing that into another relationship in the future.
Go 180 on her and go dark once you ask her to leave, she will string you along, hugging, nice talk etc meanwhile she is f****** the OM, please have some self respect. No more physical contact, no more chats, do not help her to feel better about herself.
Call a divorce attorney and find out what needs to be done, write up the papers and serve her. If possible get full custody of your son.
Ask her to leave the house, or rather, pack her stuff and leave it on the doorstep. She can visit your son until she moves nearer.

Now is the time to play hardball. YOu have lost her but there is no point in letting her call the shots from here on out.

Then move on with your life, you can do better that her.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You're not going to just let your son move with her, are you? You're fighting for full custody, right?


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## Scranton (Sep 22, 2015)

We aren't going to court. He'll stay with me but things have moved on.She's leaving on Saturday just as soon as the OM's new flat is ready. She says she needs to do it to find if she can live and be happy. She still has feelings for me but not as a lover more as her best friend. We've been affectionate and had some good moments with our son but the reality is she's going. It kills me inside throughout the day.She knows this guy is no good but she still wants to try. She says she'll understand if it all goes wrong and I don't want her back.She wants to see our son everyday but has given me the last word. I'm not going to say no but it is going to eat me up everytime the door opens. I don't how to act from here. I've broken all the rules by writing a letter saying how I see things from all she said. I was careful not use "I" throughout the letter but reflect her words and ideas from all she has told me but I know it won't do anything now. I just can't get hope out of my head even though I shouldn't. Don't know how act in these last days together and then after when she's with him. It's affecting my concentration on my job and takes all my effort to be strong with my son.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You need to put a new lock on your door. She needs to be ALLOWED in to see your son at YOUR approval. Coming and going? Hell no.

What she needs to see from you now is STRENGTH. That, and an unwillingness to just sit there and wait for her like a doormat.

THAT might wake her up and get her to notice you in the room. But sitting there waiting for her to 'give' you a visit sure as hell won't. And don't tell me that's not what you're doing. That IS what she is seeing.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Dang, Scranton.

I mean this in all sincerity and only with a touch of attitude.

How can you look at yourself in the mirror knowing you are allowing her to go try on another man while you "wait for her"?

Do you not like yourself? At this point I can't blame her. She is being set free with a return ticket. By you. 

Show her CONSEQUENCES. Take away the safety net. Find out why you think it is okay to treat someone well who does these things to you.


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## Scranton (Sep 22, 2015)

She denies expecting me to wait for her and is willing to accept any conditions I want. She's moving out tomorrow. We've spent the evening together talking through the practical issues. Couldn't stop telling her how if it all goes wrong to consider me (wrong, I know).She admits to still loving me but not in that way. I managed to open up to a couple of friends yesterday and got lots of support and love which gives me hope. Son has gone very quiet and reluctant to talk to me or his mother.I feel so heartbroken and sad at the moment. I feel like I'm losing my best friend as well a wife. She wants to still see me and do things as a friend but first try to give ourselves time to adjust to our new lives. Our son's birthday is in a few days so we'll meet then if not before. I can't face even trying to GAL yet, hard enough thinking about the weekend and then going back to work. Don't know how to face the house with just the two of us there. She won't be able to take everything tomorrow so her ghost will be everywhere.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

You need counseling, brother. 

Do you see how unhealthy you are behaving towards this?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Scranton said:


> Couldn't stop telling her how if it all goes wrong to consider me (wrong, I know).


*NO!*



Scranton said:


> She wants to still see me and do things as a friend but first try to give ourselves time to adjust to our new lives.


*NO!*



Scranton said:


> She won't be able to take everything tomorrow so her ghost will be everywhere.


PACK IT UP, PUT IT IN BOXES, AND PUT THE BOXES IN THE GARAGE.

She does not belong there any more. Not until she apologizes and begs forgiveness.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I'm so sorry, Scranton. How painful.


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## Scranton (Sep 22, 2015)

Well it has almost been a month since she moved out. The second weekend we got together with our son to celebrate his birthday. She was very affectionate and loving. It all felt so right but of course afterward she went back to him. In other conversations she has admitted her new life isn't what she expected but she is going to try to make it work and not to wait for her. She has discovered that her son doesn't want her to come around and only really sees her when he has to. I've tried to start applying some of LRT and not send friendly texts or think of excuses to meet. She has said she'll let me decide how much of a friend I want to be. I've tried to keep busy and have even been out with her sister and friends without talking about her. We will meet for a relaxation class we do together. First contact in a week. Longest time virtually silent. Feeling nervous as she has just texted to meet for a chat beforehand.


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## leon1 (Sep 3, 2014)

I think you will soon realise you cant be her friend ,only contact ye should have is about your son or the divorce .She has moved on , dont waste anymore time on her .You can be happy again with someone new , you just need to start to move on from her .


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Scranton said:


> Well it has almost been a month since she moved out. The second weekend we got together with our son to celebrate his birthday. She was very affectionate and loving. It all felt so right but of course afterward she went back to him. In other conversations she has admitted her new life isn't what she expected but she is going to try to make it work and not to wait for her. She has discovered that her son doesn't want her to come around and only really sees her when he has to. I've tried to start applying some of LRT and not send friendly texts or think of excuses to meet. She has said she'll let me decide how much of a friend I want to be. I've tried to keep busy and have even been out with her sister and friends without talking about her. We will meet for a relaxation class we do together. First contact in a week. Longest time virtually silent. Feeling nervous as she has just texted to meet for a chat beforehand.



Scranton, I know u were married to this woman, but tbh friends do not treat their friends like s*** and that is exactly what she is doing. You are being used to salve her guilt and make life easy for her meanwhile she sleeps with another man. Please stop this immediately! I am a woman and I think you are totally wrong for being such a wimp.

YOu are also teaching your son not to be a man but a bloody wimp too and that it's ok for a woman to walk all over him in the future. Please ffs man up, put boundaries in place. Stop the meeting together for chats, and classes etc. Put this woman out of your life altogether! 

Your son is only a teenager but has more cajones that you, he sees how bad his mother treated you and wants very little to do with her, he intuitively knows that this is not right, yet you are the adult and cannot see it?

You can still be cordial and businesslike about arrangements for your son. Your WW is cake eating big time. Divorce her and move on please!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Scranton, come on. Find your cajones, man! Sloppy seconds much?

Have some respect for yourself. "I will NOT be a friend with a woman who's sh*tting on our marriage and letting another man put his d*ck inside her. I'll find something better."


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Hi,

Some questions:

You are 47, OM is 60, is your wife in her forties.
Are you divorcing and what settlement have you made.

Being friends with her now and in the near future makes about as much sense as a women being friends with her rapist. Accept this but do tell her you need to limit contact so you can find yourself and move on. 

Talk only about your son. Satya put it past: stoic but diplomantic. Read about the 180 and no more mr nice guy. 
Build a new life with yourself and your son. Make clear to the WS by your actions the OM is off limits to your son. Make clear to your son he is under no obligation to have any relationship with the posm. 

Can there be a lower feeling then your teenage son pitying you? It sounds like he does.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

If being a doormat (and clearly you are) is okay with you, waiting in the wings for any morse of love or attention she will give you is okay with you then fine...that is your life, but i want you to think about something....your son is watching the dynamics between both of you and he is thinking to himself, its okay for a wife to leave her husband for another man and for that husband to pine over her, to be a doormat for her every whim, to beg, plead with her...Is this the son you want to raise, do you want him to be you one day? is this the way a man or for that matter any person in a relationship should behavior. Dear god man please get some self respect, if not for yourself then for him.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

turnera said:


> Scranton, come on. Find your cajones, man! Sloppy seconds much?
> 
> Have some respect for yourself. "I will NOT be a friend with a woman who's sh*tting on our marriage and letting another man put his d*ck inside her. I'll find something better."


Today's emasculated male good grief. :wtf::banghead::banghead::banghead:


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