# Husband says they don't know if they want to try



## Stuck in Limbo (Oct 22, 2010)

I will try to make this short and sweet.. I am looking for advice or anyone who is going through something similar.

My husband and I have been married for 6 years and we have a 6 year old little girl. We haven't had the best marriage in the world,, he tends to go out with his buddies more than I like and puts his wants/needs ahead of mine quite frequently. A few weeks ago he says to me that "he isn't happy anymore". I was so angry at the time and offended that he could say this to me, when in my mind he's got it made! He does whatever he wants whenever he wants... Well, he decided to go stay with his parents for awhile to "figure things out". It is now going on 4 weeks since this started and we have gotten nowhere. We did go to one marriage counseling session which I felt went well, until the end when the counselor asked if "we were both really willing to try" in which my husband responded "I'm not in the right frame of mind". So, because of this, he now has to go to individual counseling before we can pick back up on our marriage counseling. He keeps flip flopping back and forth.. one minute he loves me, the next minute he doesn't. He even admits that HE is the reason our marriage is failing because of the bad things he has done - basically never putting me first... but yet he doesn't know if he is willing to try to work on things. He has been staying away during the week under the facade that "daddy is working out of town", but he comes home on the weekends and it is just so awkward for me because it is like he is a complete stranger! I don't know how to act around him,,,, try to be affectionate - I get no response. If I don't talk to him at all he says "this is exactly why I don't want to work on things" I am at my wits end! At this point I question - Is it worth trying to hold on to a marriage when the other person isn't willing to try? Now because of his incessant flip flopping, I am starting to feel the same way! One minute I am online looking for places to live, the next I am looking for marriage forums. I don't know what is the right thing to do. I want to make things work, because deep down I do love him and he is a great father. But, I can't hold onto someone who says their heart just isn't into it. He says he doesn't want to rush into a divorce, but he also doesn't want to come home and try to work on things. I am stuck in this awful limbo. Please - has anyone gone through something like this? Any help?


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## Shelly29 (Oct 9, 2010)

Going through an Identical situation.... he hsays he has checked out....doesnt want to be in a marriage, doesnt want to be resonsible for anyone but himself....needs to be alone etc etc.... it was his decision and I am still in the shock stage....I love him and would try to work on anything (except an affair or cheating...)anyways, I cant figure out what he really wants...we did one session of counseling and like you I am not sure if and how i keep fighting for this when it doesn't seem like he wants to try. When does it stop. I too have talked to m realtor, figuring out the housing situation, can i afford this home, etc....then another day wanting to figure out how I can get across to him. 

I dont have advice for you but I will be checking this thread as I could use the same kind.... keep me posted on how things go!


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## whatislove (Oct 24, 2010)

how old is your husband? just wondering if this is a mid life thing or something. i am going through something similar. last year he told me that me loves me but he is not "in love with me". i'm not to sure what that meansbut bottom line is we went t therapy, first he went alone then i joined. we talked, really talked about everything he was feeling. i had to remove myself as his wife so he could talk to me as a friend. it's not easy to do,but i felt for him in his mental state. i needed to understand even if what he said hurt. i asked him 2 months ago if his feelings for me have changed. he said no. funny thing is , is that he says i am the perfect wife, mother, & his best friend. he doesn't know why he feels this way & puts no blame on me. (he wishes he could, that way it would make sense) after he told me that me still didn't know if he was in love with me, i told him i was done. go or stay i said but i can't deal with this drama anymore. i deserved more. so he decided to go. now that he left he is still over every day for the kids but he now doing more for me then when he lived here! cooking cleaning talking to me. i want to move on or get answers that he can't give me in his state of mind. today he flirted with me! neither one of us is ready for that now. he needs to find himself or figure out what he wants befor we move on seperatly or together. so i need to keep him in check. my advise to you is stay strong give him time & try to keep the communication open. try to step outside of your situation to see where his head is at. (this i not easy) i belive everything happens for a reason, so if it is ment to be it will be. if not, i am strong enough to move on. a man does not define you, you define yourself. so be strong what ever the out come. good luck & i hope i helped. now if someone can help me! lol!


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Have all three of you ruled out the existence of another woman in the picture?


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## Shelly29 (Oct 9, 2010)

Sexually, he has said over and over there is no oen and he would never put me in that situation. In my case he has felt a longing to be alone and not have responsibilities for almost 3 yrs, but never told me. We moved to CO 2 years ago so I can't imagine him being with someone else...my close friends dont think its anyone else either, but today Im going to ask him about an EA. He might not realize that, that also counts....but i dunno if he has one or not.


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## Stuck in Limbo (Oct 22, 2010)

Thanks for your responses.. I appreciate it. Sometimes I feel like I am the only one in the world going through this. My husband is 35 years old, so I don't think he is quite to the mid life crisis stage yet. In response to the other question of another woman... I have asked him repeatedly if there is something else in the picture and he outright denies it. He has been honest with me (brutally honest) about everything else, so I don't think he is lying to me about an affair.
He had his counseling appointment on Friday and the counselor asked him a bunch of questions regarding me and if I am meeting his needs. He answered Yes to all of the questions. The counselor told him that means I am not the problem HE is. He keeps telling me that I have done nothing wrong and I shouldn't take this personal. How can I not take him possibly wanting to end our marriage personal? At this point he says he is at a 70/30% ratio of wanting a divorce. Those aren't good odds! I am trying to give him time, but it doesn't seem to be helping at all. This weekend has been especially hard on me because he has been here all weekend hanging out with our daughter. Which I am glad he is spending the time with her, but in the same respect, it is making things much harder on me. Trying to stay strong!


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## Shelly29 (Oct 9, 2010)

At least he is not living in the same house....as mine is... hard to watch him come and go without wanting to go over and hug him or something like that.... I'm 99-100% sure he does not want to work on our relationship as he wants out...it sux wanting to fight but knowing you wont win......when do you surrender?


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## whatislove (Oct 24, 2010)

my husband did admit to an emotional affair, although he had these feelings before the affair. we talk often trying to make sense of it all. he puts all blame on himself. now that he is living with his mom he is doing alot of sole searching. i don't think he liked the person he was for a long time. i have been thinking alot of things that may happened before the affair. we did drift apart, i told him many times that i felt like a single parent. he would help out for a while then stop. seems like i have more complaints about him then he has about me! weird. now that he is gone he misses me i think he wants to come back but i told him it's too soon. he agreed saying that he doesn't trust himself, he may go back to the person he was before. he says he's crazy about me, i told wait for tomarrow it may change! we laugh about it but it's true. he needs to work on himself first before i take him back plus i am not so sure i want him back. i just don't know. are we all just so messed up?


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## separatedmomof3 (Oct 6, 2010)

Shelly - RE: throwing in the towell? I have no clue and that scares me to death. My husband said this weekend that he wants no contact this week (remember we work together :scratchhead and he will decide by the weekend if things can be worked out if not he is filing for a divorce on Monday. I took the day off today and did not go into the office but I did e-mail him several times today for work related things and he did not reply. Our son has a football game at 7:30 tonight and we will both be there, do I sit with hiim or not This entire nightmare is driving me crazy. He said he is tired of being stuck in limbo, it has only been since August 24th when he moved out.

Oh and I forgot to mention Wednesday is his birthday, he said he wants to take the kids to dinner alone, I finally convinced him to let me come along so it would not upset the kids (me also). He went today and bought furniture for the extra room in his apartment and said he wants the kids to start coming and staying with him starting Wednesday and Thursday of this week. Who knows, I am not ready to throw in the towell but it sounds like he is.


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## Shelly29 (Oct 9, 2010)

Separatedmomof3: It must be a whole different ball game with Kids, I can't even begin to imagine. Its hard to read the men huh? I think in my case we have been each others best friend for years...and i dont think he wants to lose that when we end this relationship... i would liek to think that maybe down the road we can start a different friendship, but now is too soon. My husband talks about moving to Boulder, getting his own place near work, living alone, paying his own bills and doing whatever he wants. I knwo he is only 29 but I think he hit a quasi mid life crisis....

The Birthday thing is hard...what did he say about you coming along? Did he try and fight it or agree? Maybe if you throw the towel a little he might see it and re-think? Today i semi threw the towel in and told him we need to change phone accounts...i took him off my plan and I am planning to pay my car off so that I can afford the hosue on my own and that way have him move out and on with life. I think I am mentally preparing myself and today I woke up without any anxiety at all.... it was weird but peaceful.


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## separatedmomof3 (Oct 6, 2010)

Shelly - He said he wanted no contact this week and he really did not push back on his birthday dinner. We will all go together and then the 3 kids will leave and go back to his apartment with him for the first time for all three of them to be there together. This will be the first time in my 43 years that I stay alone all night, how sad is that

We did talk for a little bit after our sons football game tonight and he said he does not think this is going to work out and that I should start preparing myself for the end. He asked if we could go see a lawyer together to begin the process. I don't even know how divorce works, I would have never thought you go together, I thought one filed and the other got screwed basically. He said he wants a decision made before the holidays he said he is tired of living in limbo. I was shocked that he would say this, this is putting us in front of the kids. I would NEVER say anything to the kids before the holidays. Say we do file, go ahead and file and then tell them after the first of the year (I don't even know how long it takes in TX to divorce). He is not living here but he could still come over on Christmas Day and spend it with his family. I am not willing to give up my children on Christmas no way!!!!

I did look on line today at homes in my kids schools district and I don't think there is any way that I can afford to buy a home and them not change schools (they are in 11th, 7th and prek). The home I live in now is way to big for me to care for alone and there is no way that I could ever afford this house without his income. There is no doubt in my mind we are going to go broke and lose everything financially over this. 

I just want this nightmare to be over!!


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## Shelly29 (Oct 9, 2010)

Separated: Although I have no kids I am totally in your shoes...will you really be ok going to the birthday dinner? Have you thought of letting him just take them for the night, maybe you and the kids do something next night? It might feel awesome at first, but might help you?

I too wanted to fight to the end, and i would if I had the faintest of signs he wanted to fight too, but he doesnt. I think now that you know and he has said it out loud that he doesn't he shouldnt rush you to sign papers... tell him you need to go at it at your pace,, there is a lot fo figure out and deal with and he should respect your choice. I am sure if lawyers are in the mix, then you might be able to get financial help from him, say half the house payment and child support right? 

I am int he same mix right now and told my husband, he needs to go at my speed, because this was all thrown at me at once and when i am effin ready to take the next step theni will. It was the least he can do to respect me. Try that....


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## separatedmomof3 (Oct 6, 2010)

Shelly: I think his birthday dinner will be fine. We have been very civil to each other through this entire thing. My gift...might not be appropriate anymore, I bought him season tickets to the Dallas Mavericks so we could spend some quality time together, I guess he will have to take someone else 

Have you ever heard of using the same attorney for a divorce? He wants us to go together so it will be cheaper, I didn't know you could even do that.

I found a child support calculator on-line and it said I should get 800 per month totoal for all three kids, are you kidding me!!! My youngest daughter is 4 and her tuition is 788 a month. My husband has always been the bread winner in our family, I don't even make enough per month to cover my daughters tuition.

I have no clue how I am going to get through this emotionally or financially. I am so scared and broken hearted.


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## Stuck in Limbo (Oct 22, 2010)

Separated - I too am in your shoes financially. My husband told me today that he called a Pro Se lawyer to ask about our situation and how we would divy everything up. There is no way I can afford the house we live in by myself and financially I am freaking out! We happen to also own some rental properties aside from our own home, I can't even imagine the legal battle with all of that and child custody on top of it. To top it off, my daughter has started to become aware of what is going on and is now clinging on to me for dear life and cries anytime I leave. This whole situation is just a nightmare. He still tells me that it has nothing to do with me... I just want to scream! I think he became frustrated today when he spoke to the lawyer and said that this will be a financial nightmare for us and maybe he needs to just accept that he is married. How touching----I wish they made Anniversary Cards with that sentiment. Why would I want to stay with someone who just wants to accept that he is married?


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## Shelly29 (Oct 9, 2010)

got to be strong ladies.... especially those of you with kids.... I look up to you and the strength you have to maintain though all this for your kids. many props. If they are the ones leaving, I think you need to stay strong and fight for what you need, deserve and your kids need....don't take any less!


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## whatislove (Oct 24, 2010)

if it has nothing to do whit you then he needs to tell you or you need to ask what it has to do with. ask him to talk to you as a friend. my husband took all the responsabilty of blame on himself. we sit & talk like friends. it's hard but we both need answers that we haven't yet found. as far as the kids what have you told them so far? i had my husband talk to them with me in the room. he said that daddy has to basically get his head on straight & have some alone time. they were ok with it. i also had contacted the school counsler to talk to the 12 year old if he felt the need & couldn't talk to me or daddy. so far so good.


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## JennaL10 (Oct 19, 2010)

Well, do you have to rush the paperwork aspect of a divorce? It does sound to me like he is done with the marriage. It's no use fighting. Can you not just take your time and do things one at a time according to your convenience? Can you work on some things based on a time frame? If he wants to stay with his parents then let him. You say that you want to stay in your current place. Work on an agreement of some sort that makes you both content. 

But most of all, let him go. It's over as I see it from here. Come into terms with that first. Be at peace with your decision. It's all going to work out in the best interest of you child and you (and your husband).

I am in a counseling session with my husband and I think at the end of our 10th session some time in January we will decide whether we want to stay married or not - and if we do, it is going to have to be a HAPPY one - nothing else. So, we'll see. By the way, we are seeing an amazing marriage counselor (and believe me, it does make a difference!).


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## nikkicv (Jan 12, 2011)

Dear Stuck in Limbo: 

Your post brought tears to my eyes first because your situation is identical to mine, and you posted your situation on my 16th anniversary during our seperation the exact date. I believe all men are born with that statement on their tongue's. On July 31 2010, my husband of 15 years tells me he is leaving me, it was also the day of our 20th high school reunion, that we were attending that evening. Which came as a total shock, because days before due to some feelings of distance from him, I asked if there was anything wrong, and was he still in love with me (will let you know why those specific questions were asked) to which he reponded yes sweetheart, there is nothing wrong, and yes I love you and i am in love with you, to which was a long embrace, kiss and a wonderful night of sex. He then added that night, that i was a wonderful mother, wife and friend and couldnt ask for anything more. Needless to say I was completely shocked, and became very angry and screamed why why would you say that to me, are you thinking about it or what is going on, you said nothing was wrong and if there was I surely did not expect it to be where you are leaving. He said I just dont know, i dont know I am just not happy. I said well the other night I asked you what was wrong and you told me nothing that pretty much i was making a problem where there was none because i overthink things he just repeated i just dont know I am not happy and I told you that cause i didnt want to fight. Well i went to the reunion, because i wasnt going to let that stop me, I think i was just in shock, that night he slept in his truck, and next morning took personal things, clothes and moved back in with his parents. Over the past several months, I have finally got out of him, that our last 15 years were wonderful, but in the last year he began to be unhappy and didnt know what he wanted. We had a falling out 5 years prior where he told me the same thing, we went to counseling and our marriage worked and we became stronger, and I made him promise to tell me if he ever felt that way again to tell me and to keep our communication always open to discuss when we had an issue with each other so we would never get that way again, that is why i stated earlier the direct line of questioning, i mean you can not be with someone as long as we have and not know that something is wrong, so I asked and pretty much was told that it was all in my head because there was no cause of concern. Now this is a man, that told my mother in 1st grade he was going to marry me, and on our wedding day told her see I told you so - we werent high school sweethearts, but really good friends and became really close friends before we married. I know this is a long story, but to get to the point, he began over time during the seperation to tell me that in that last few months started to think of leaving me, i became so angry because of the promise he made to let me know if he ever began to feel like that again so we could work on it before it was too late, I mean we hardly ever fought, our friends were envious of our relationship and used ours as an example, all of our friends including his close friends were in shock, to which they decided it had to be another woman, because they never seen this coming, always thought we would be together, and he says it was not that there was no one else at all and after all this time, there is no proof of another woman, even now during our seperation nothing, no one else, never seen with anyone else etc - he is taking care of everything financially, i have the house, car etc, because I do have a health issue(will not go into) that prevents me from working because the doctor recommended - so no income of my own after 30+ years of always being able to financially take care of myself. He hasnt returned home, or even made any attempt to work on our marriage during this time to repair this split, we have a 13 year old son who is completely devistated over this, and all i can get out of him to this day is that he loves me to death, and takes full reponsibility, but doesnt want to be married, loves the freedom to make his own decisions, such as i want to go golfing but i dont have to inform anyone, i just go - he had that freedom here I never stopped him from doing or going where or when, the difference is he just didnt have to say honey i am going golfing, dont know when i will be home, but if i run later then i thought I will call you - that is it that is the freedom he is talking about - but still wants the close friendship and intimacy we always had, has no desire to be with anyone else but if the opportunity presents itself i guess then there is nothing there stopping him - when i ask why he stayed silent if he really had an issue he didnt like he said he didnt realize it was an issue and didnt want to fight, but didnt realize he felt this way until it was too late and for that he was sorry. I mean I was the one who asked for the divorce after 3 months of nothing, no desire to do anything to save our marriage, and no desire to return home and pick up where we left off, says it is all his fault but after living with his parents, and sleeping alone, he came to the conclusion he just didnt want to be married, loves me and wants to continue to act like we always did, just not living together, and not having the responibility of letting me know what he is doing or having to tell me if he wants to go anywhere, and only spend the time with either me or our son when he wants to and not on a daily basis. Now like i said he was a wonderful husband and father and friend, just emotionally distant from time to time but never gave me any cause for concern, so I dont know what it is with men but they all seem to say the same thing, I mean he didnt marry to young, had a dating life so it wasnt because he never got the chance to play the field insisted we were soulmates - we were great friends he just doesnt know what he wants - and now after 7 months still hasnt filed for a divorce even though he knows i asked for one, but doesnt want to work on our marriage to repair it, likes living with parents, which by the way mom still does his laundry, cooks shops etc, all he has to do is get up go to work, play after work, and go out on weekends, that is all. I mean the only thing he took was clothes and personal items, I have everything in the house and the house, he pays for everything with no issues, he knows that it will probably be spousal and child support, the lawyer pretty much told him to maintain his financial duties until settles in court but he will have to get a 2nd job if he wants to move out of his parents house since he has no financial issues there he doesnt have to pay for anything, his car is paid off and while he takes care of the financials here, his gas etc still comes out of bank account in addition to an allowance in cash for his use every week too. Even that wasnt an issue to get him to change his mind and work on our marriage you know the whole it is cheaper to keep her, I mean when he is with me, he still acts like my husband, but he isnt there every day unless i ask him to come over, I mean I love this man I gave him my heart and his reasons for leaving are nothing shy of total crap for not trying to make our marriage work, says i never gave him any reason to not stay except he just would rather be unmarried, he doesnt want the full time job of being a father or husband. His son at one point begged his dad to try for him, since he didnt like spending time with his dad every now and then and the seperate holiday time etc. I never kept him from his son, he can see him whenever he wants just as long as i dont have something planned, but since he has moved out, he has only had his son over 2 weekends to spend the night and it was just for the one night, he never calls him during the day, just once a night to say goodnight and that was only after telling him that it was necessary to our son, and says well if he wants to talk to me he can call me why do i have to call him, I personally believe it is a mid life crisis, and he is trying to re capture his youth, even though he says that is not it. Well after all of this, I guess your question is what do you do, and honestly i know your pain you keep hoping that the longer you wait he will just realize that he made a mistake and will want to come home, so you are afraid to move on, cause the thought of starting over scares the crap out of you, and you are afraid if you do move on, then he will and get someone else, which you know will totally ruin you i mean even the very thought sickens you, or if you move on he will then completely move on himself, and you dont even know if that is what you want. I mean we have been seperate for 7 months and have begun the process of getting a divorce, and I still love him, seeing him brings back so many good memories, however, he doesnt see it that way when he sees me, oh he loves me to death he said and wants to see me when he wants to, but to sleep with me every night and be there for me everyday is a job he no longer wants - I still dont know if i wouldnt take him back if he asked, but what i can tell you, I had to do what was good for my son and myself, I had to love myself and realize all tho this man is a good man, I deserve to have a man here and make me his priority the way i did for him, no one said we all cant have a little me time, but if that is all you want that isnt good enough. So i suggest work on yourself like i did, your health your body hair what ever begans to make you feel better about yourself, worry about your kids and only involve the father when it is necessary, or when he wants to be and no one said to jump into bed with the first person you see, but it doesnt mean you cant go out on a date as a friend with someone, but we all deserve to be with someone who treasures us, and men say they cant figure women out or what we want, if they only paid attention if they treat us like a queen they will be treated like a king, flowers for no reason, back rub to tell us they love us the occasional you are beautiful to me, the thank you for everything statement now and then and hold us when we cry, never make us cry, and if you do tell us you are sorry, and show the desire to spend as much time with us as possible, and when you need your me time we will give it to you with no quarrel, and keep our communication line open, tell us when something hurts or bothers you so we can work on it, as well as listen to us when something hurts or bothers us so as to not repeat it. He is out there, and live for yourself, the money issue will work itself out, believe me i panicked at first too, but there is spousal, and child support and in all states, they take into consideration the lifestyle to which you have become accustomed to, they take that into consideration, of course there is the assests but you will work it out just consider change good for you and hang in there - things do happen for a reason, and you never know - but if he is still telling you he doesnt know what he wants or if he wants to try - my advice is move on - and one of 2 things will happen - you will either be happier then you ever thought with someone who is better then he ever was - or he will come back with a whole new attitude and will change for the better - I am sorry for the length of this reply, but I just wanted to let you know you are not alone in this and it will get better - and my final words are - the ones that make us cry do not deserve our tears, and the ones that do deserve our tears, never make us cry.


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## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

I agree that you have to try to rule out the existence of a third party in these situations. My H did the exact same thing to me. I'm not happy; love you but not in love with you; went to a few counseling sessions and basically said he was not sure if he wanted to try. This, after 15 years, 2 kids and almost never a cross word between us. He thought and thought while he was home. I walked one eggshells and tried everything I could to get him to turn this around. I couldn't believe it. I should have kicked him out sooner, but he had me believing that I was to blame for a lot of his feelings and that he was going through a significant bout of depression. Well, he moved out and still sat on the fence. He didn't know exactly what he wanted. Called it a trial separation and didn't want to take the final step toward divorce, but wasn't really trying to move the needle in one direction or the other. In fact, I told him that I thought it was time to talk about divorce because there was no movement whatsoever. He told me no. He said he wanted to come to counseling with me. Mind you, this entire time I asked at least 1,000 times if there was someone else. i asked if he wanted to be with someone else, if he loved someone else, if he had had sex with someone else, if he was attracted to someone. All questions yielded the answer "no". My gut told me differently, but I could not emotionally take the steps needed to have him followed or look into things more closely. I wanted so badly to believe him. Well, he moved out and about 6 weeks later -after he refused to talk about divorce as an option - he was spotted out with the same woman that I had suspicions about the whole time. He even lied about it then - "it just started after I moved out". Right. I must have the word "stupid" written across my forehead. He still won't admit it and it's the pink elephant in the room. My counselor says that most times men will not admit to anything. They drag us through the mud and watch us have nervous breakdowns. Even when the marriage is hanging on by a thread, they won't admit to what is really happening. There's all kinds of reasons for that, but my point is that you really need to check into things because I know that feeling of helplessness coupled with that tiny bit of hope. The hope is what keeps us hanging on and taking whatever crumbs they are willing to throw at us. My hope was extinguished the minute that I found out what I knew to be the truth. And you know what, it hurts like hell, but NOTHING hurts like that limbo phase that you are in. That is torture and it is cruel. Nobody deserves to be in that place. Do whatever you can to get out of it. If it works out, I'm thrilled for you. If not, facing the truth and the reality of a monumental change in life will be scary, but you will not have that sick feeling and be left to wondered whether he will leave or stay. That is the point where you will be allowed to start healing.


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## Shorty619 (Dec 15, 2010)

My goodness, so much of what all of your are saying is so similar to my situation, except we don't have any children. I won't repost my whole story here, but if any of you want to read I posted it on this board, here's the link:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/20489-today-begins.html

We are both 32 years old, been together 10 years, and married 7. His first day out of our apartment was on Sunday, and things are so tough emotionally for me right now.

In any case, i want to offer my support as well, this all just sucks so bad =(


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## hopemom (Dec 22, 2010)

Hey, atholk, all you ever post is about another woman. The last thing we all need to hear is that. Don't you think we considered it ourselves?


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