# Trouble with parents



## Kezkin (Jan 26, 2013)

Looking for some advice.

I'm 30 years old and I live with my gf. We live relatively near my parents home, some 2 hours away.

Yesterday I had a another "situation" with them and I'm so frustrated I decided to seek help online from you guys.

This is the story; my mother called my gf and she told her how it would be great "they" come over for visit. My gf said "of course".

Then my GF called me up from work, and told me they said they are coming to visit, and I immediately asked her "who exactly is coming, both of them or one of them"?

So she called my mother back and asked something about preparing lunch and what would they want, and my mother said "oh you don't need to do anything special, I'll come alone, my husband has some plans for tomorrow so he won't come".

BS. I called my father and asked him what is he doing tomorrow, and he said "nothing special, why?" 

My mother did this many times and I'm sick of it. 

So let me explain their situation and you be the judge. My parents work together, they have their own company. They live in the same house, but in separate rooms. But it's the same house.

I'm sick of playing double telephone with them, if I call my mother up and tell her about whatever, I know I'm supposed to call my father also, because she certainly won't tell him that I've called.

When I was living in another town, few years ago, they always came to visit me together. It was a 4 hour drive so I guess they figured it's economical to carpool.

Now that I'm "near by" they (my mother for the most part) come in halves.


I threw a fit yesterday about it and my gf caught flak for it, she tried to explain to me how I won't change them or bring them back together. But that's not what I want. I don't want to play Oprah with them, I just want my parents to respect me and my girlfriend, and if they can live on the same address and work in the same company, is it really that outlandish to expect them to visit me together?

Anyway...I'm open to all suggestions...thanks for listening.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My advice... Accept the fact that your parents are separated and living separate lives, even if they share the same physical address. Sounds like they've got things worked out between them. It doesn't need to affect you. So let it go.

How would you handle it if they DID separate/divorce? Start treating them that way, and just ignore the fact that they live in the same house.

And don't put your girlfriend in the middle of all this, or take it out in her. Unless you want her to be an ex-girlfriend.

C


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

As PBear says, ACT AS THOUGH they *are* divorced...because in THEIR minds, they are.

Pretend the house has two actual DIFFERENT physical addresses and two actual DIFFERENT phone numbers (just as though one of them had moved out.)


2 Christmas/Hannukah cards
2 invitations to wedding
2 phone calls with good news
2 invitations to Thanksgiving dinner (with knowledge that each one's "EX-SPOUSE" has also been invited

See, not that tough! Just treat it as a DONE DEAL. You have divorced parents. Some people say, "Why get married, it's just a piece of paper?" Your parents have said, "Why get divorced, it's just a piece of paper?" And they each have MORE access to MORE assets than they would have with a PIECE OF PAPER DIVORCE.


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## Kezkin (Jan 26, 2013)

Just now...my mother, out of the blue, told

"I'm gonna sleep over here".

I'm literally fuming now...I can't express it...no word


She comes over, lying to me and my gf that my father said "he has other business to do" - which he doesn't, so he's lying about my f***ing father, and she throws the "oh I'm gonna sleep over and tomorrow we're going out to lunch" plan...

Of course, my gf is nodding her head to whatever my mom says....I'm speechless right now...I'm too old for this...


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

Just wondering what boundaries are lacking if your mother can assume she can just invite herself to stay the night? I think you are missing a few boundaries and so is you gf. 

You may be unhappy/ loath the life style your parents have chosen for their marriage but it is theirs to do with as they choose and you need to accept that. 
It may suck that you have to call your dad to see if he will be joining your mother in a visit but if you want both of them to visit at the same time then you might want to say it out right to them. No one gets what they want with out asking, being direct and sometimes not even then but until you speak up nothing has the potential to change.
As for her Lying about your father "having other business to do" he might have said that to her for all you know or she is trying to spare your feelings with out trashing out their personal lives to her child and his gf. Cut your mom some slack and give them both the benefit of the doubt.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

It's normal to be frustrated but it's a lot less stressful to chalk it up as something out of your control. People have a way of pulling back when they feel pressured. You may end up not seeing either of them very often if there's restrictions other than obvious ones like respecting you and your wife and your kids.


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## Kezkin (Jan 26, 2013)

I may be the biggest family hitler of all time, but for the life of me I can't, by any means, understand why is it THAT hard to call me up and say

"Hey! You lousy no good son! Guess what, I'm coming over and sleep there!"

I can't.

She didn't say she'll sleep over, and now I found out that she kept her traveling bag in the car up until the point where it's too late for me to even fathom the reason for her to "not crash".

We are hour and half away! It's not like she crossed the 7 seas to get here.

I didn't deserve this. First the shenanigan with my pops, now this, and my gf isn't on my side in this.

I'm furious.

I don't care if she wants to sleep over. CALL ME and say it "I'll come and sleep!". Just say it!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Your mother misses you. She and your father need to live separate lives, for their own reasons (none of your business). So they operate separately. She wants to be with you and it has nothing to do with what your father wants. And you treat her like a pirhanha and act like a spoiled brat AND you treat your gf poorly as well. You should be ashamed of yourself. And you should apologize to BOTH women in your life.


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## d4life (Nov 28, 2012)

turnera said:


> Your mother misses you. She and your father need to live separate lives, for their own reasons (none of your business). So they operate separately. She wants to be with you and it has nothing to do with what your father wants. And you treat her like a pirhanha and act like a spoiled brat AND you treat your gf poorly as well. You should be ashamed of yourself. And you should apologize to BOTH women in your life.


I'm glad that you said this because that is what I was thinking too.

I would be so hurt if my son treated me that way. Not only that, but seeing my BF act that way towards me and his mother would show me that he has no respect for the women in his life and their feelings. It would be enough to make me leave and never come back. 

If they are both still speaking to you, count yourself lucky.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Kezkin said:


> I may be the biggest family hitler of all time, but for the life of me I can't, by any means, understand why is it THAT hard to call me up and say
> 
> "Hey! You lousy no good son! Guess what, I'm coming over and sleep there!"
> 
> ...


btw, it's pretty obvious from the way you write that you act OUT this opinion in front of her, either upfront or passive aggressively, so I guarantee she knows you don't want her around, yet she's so desparate to see her son that she's willing to 'unspeakingly' beg you to get to stay over because she's afraid of your reaction if she has to say it out loud. Your own mother is afraid of you.


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## FryFish (Sep 18, 2012)

kezkin I dont htink anyone is on your side here... If you have the space then you are literally freaking out over nothing. She is your mom and she is lonely... Does she spend way too much time at your place? You seem to really hate her for something... what is it?


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## Kezkin (Jan 26, 2013)

My mother is definitely not afraid of me. I dont understand any of your reasons.

If she was afraid to me, she wouldnt pack her bags. She did pack her bags, and she left them in the car so I wouldnt find out up until it was too late.

That only shows she has no respect towards me, which Im literally furious about.

Yes she is my mother, that doesnt mean I will nod my head to anything she does or says, I dont care what others think about it. Im 30 years old, and if I cant be honest and show my feelings in front of my mom - and vice versa - then I guess Ill act on emotion.

I wont let her do to me what she did to my father.

And yes, it IS all of my business no matter what you guys say to me. 



Ever since I was 15 I was bound to listen my mother talking crap about my father (in a passive agressive way) and listen to my father cry about it to me. I was the messenger, middleman to both of them.

So, if they both took the liberty to use me for those purposes as a kid, I will definitely, despite the cost, be up front and honest to them.

And I dont buy into that "oh she was your mother you lived under her roof". Oh so that makes it right? Well...ok. Now I dont live under her roof.

I wont never ever let her run my life in a way she thinks its supposed to run. She made all those plans to her own accord and acted surprised when I found out about it. Funny how that coincides with years and years of the same MO with my father. But - when she needs someone to help her in her business, my naive father is there. In all other situations, social, family related, somehow my father always gets forgotten.


And Im supposed to be the good son and smile to all of it now, 5 years later, 10 years later, in front of my kids maybe etc.


Um, no but thank you anyway.


This whole situation is a result of my mother not being able to utter one sentence to her son. Its an insult to me, no matter how you slice it.

Not being able to say "hey son, Im coming over for a sleepover" (yet pack yourself for the very event) is pathetic.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I can't believe a grown man calls his mother pathetic. You would break her heart if she heard you say that.


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## pb76no (Nov 1, 2012)

You obviously have a lot of resentment towards your mother due to BOTH your mother & father putting you in the middle of their troubled relationship. When my mom & dad 1st split up I was 12; blamed my mother and acted out in a big way. But they did not play tug of war with me or put me in the middle.

From what little you've said, they were wrong to put you in the middle of their relationship problems. And maybe your mother was completely to blame (doubt it as it almost always takes 2) for their non-breakup, breakup.

To some extent I understand your feelings. However, you are 30 years old now, not living under their roof. You are your own man, building your own life. You should seriously consider trying to repair your relationships with your parents - separately. You will be happier and more emotionally grounded by doing so. Both my parents are gone now and your opportunity may be gone before you expect it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Same here. It's obvious you have SERIOUS issues with your mom, and side with your dad (typical in a strong mother/weak father situation). But that doesn't make her the evil, pathetic, conniving woman you assume she is. 

What's more important to me is HOW you are dealing with this and the fact that you're probably going to lose your gf if she sees enough of this attitude (and rudeness) in you - why would she sign up to be treated as you treat your mother?

I suggest some counseling for you, so you can come to grips with your anger over your childhood.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Kezkin said:


> I may be the biggest family hitler of all time, but for the life of me I can't, by any means, understand why is it THAT hard to call me up and say
> 
> "Hey! You lousy no good son! Guess what, I'm coming over and sleep there!"
> 
> ...


Yea it's odd. I suspect your mother has a problem with feeling like she doesn't have control or that once she's says something then she has no right to change her mind. She should have asked if she can stay if she decides to but not commit. Would there have been arm twisting to just make her stay the night?


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## Kezkin (Jan 26, 2013)

First of all, thanks for the replies. Now...



turnera said:


> I can't believe a grown man calls his mother pathetic. You would break her heart if she heard you say that.


I didn't call her pathetic, just her "behind the back, don't call, don't tell and hide the luggage" actions.



pb76no said:


> You obviously have a lot of resentment towards your mother due to BOTH your mother & father putting you in the middle of their troubled relationship.


Hm, not resentment, but huge disappointment - yes. Every time I call home, I know I'm calling one half. I wouldn't mind it if they were actually SPLIT. They aren't. Same address, same telephone. So I have to say something, for example some good news, to Party A, and then call up the Party B who's literally 10 feet air distance away.

I may be crazy but that bugs me to a point of despair. 

You know what my grandma (her mother) told me at a dinner we had (family dinner, everyone was there, even my father - go figure). She said "don't gain any weight and take care of your hair so you don't end up like your father".

This is what I'm talking about. This type of propaganda. It's obvious to me my mother is bitter to moon and back with my father. One thing I don't understand is - if someone makes you that bitter that you spew all possible trash talk on his name all over your side of the family - why don't you just move? Or why do you let him work by your side?

I can't get with that, I know I should but I can't, those are my parents not my neighbors.



turnera said:


> It's obvious you have SERIOUS issues with your mom, and side with your dad (typical in a strong mother/weak father situation).


I talk to both of them, I try to "balance" the ridiculous situation as much as I can. So these types of scenario get to me.

Maybe I lose track about it. Since I don't live there, I'm out of the loop. So maybe I put this notion of "everything's all right back home" in my head, and then when reality hits me, I take it the wrong way.

I agree I should deal with it better. Problem is, it appears out of the blue and always catches me unprepared. I always expect the best and these things are quite opposite, so they catch me off guard I guess.



Thundarr said:


> I suspect your mother has a problem with feeling like she doesn't have control or that once she's says something then she has no right to change her mind. She should have asked if she can stay if she decides to but not commit. Would there have been arm twisting to just make her stay the night?


She does have control issues. 

She always needs to be right and she always has this pattern of dictating the conversation, whether it's mundane chitchat or some serious talk.

Needless to say she doesn't let anyone get into her business. She would regularly get aggressive as soon as my father would bring her family in one of their arguments. But then again, she wouldn't have any problems with slashing through entire family tree of my father.

It's a complex issue. When I was living there, and was in the middle of it, as a kid, I thought I was part guilty for the situation. Now that I'm away, I probably think "I'm not there, therefore everything must me perfect".

And then this happens. 

Wouldn't have happened if my mother just had her cards on the table. I guarantee it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So you have two strong women in your life who bash your father. Think about it.


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