# So HE cheated and HIS family wont speak to ME AT ALL



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

This is ridiculous! My H had an almost year long EA. Dday was late February and he started IC in April. He worked with her so NC wasnt established until May. One of the things the IC told him to do was tell a family member or two what he had done. Someone to hold him accountable and as a kind of way of not pretending to be someone he isnt anymore. So, he told his mother and sister. THEY havent spoken to ME since. They avoid me at all cost. When they want to spend time with our daughter they call him(they used to call me as I am home with her all day). When they do schedule a day they meet him somewhere so they dont come to our house so they dont have to see ME???? WTF did I do???? I mean they have really never made it a secret that they dont like me(they are very Catholic and i am not). BUT this is extreme! So HE cheats and Im the a$$hole????? They wanted to have my daughter a birthday party and leave me at home! Yep. Take her somewhere and give her a party ON her birthday and didnt invite me??? WHo the hell would do that???? AND WHY???? What did I do??? My H told them "NO, you cant have her a party and not invite her parents" -sister hung up on him......Then 2 days later his mother took our daughter out but asked him to meet her to pick her up so she didnt have to see me basically. I wouldnt allow my family to treat my H this way. I dont think he should allow it either??? Thoughts???


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> I wouldnt allow my family to treat my H this way. I dont think he should allow it either??? Thoughts???


No way in hell.

My family wouldn`t see my daughter again until they grew up.

You`re husband badly needs to draw some boundaries.

Quite honestly the fact that you`re going to have to tell him to draw them is a huge red flag about your husbands boundaries and how he values you.

The first moment I got a whiff of this I`d have laid down the law.

**** like this is why I haven`t spoken to my family in ten years.

Edit:

Quite honestly cutting those shallow morons out of my life was maybe the best thing I ever did.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Honestly, I would wonder what they are saying to/in front of your daughter when she is with them. Maybe a talk with the H about them not having your kid until they can talk to you and say exactly what their problem is.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

F**K them then. Tell him this is BS. He does this crap and you are the leper? I was very catholic and my dad was too. He told me when she cheated that whatever I decided she was welcome. Pissed me off and he said get over it.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Well, seems he didn't pick people who will hold him accountable.

I've heard some doozie in-law stories (and gone through some myself) but that bday one is a classic for the ages.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Personally, I think they see a 'crack in the foundation' and they are determined to make the house crumble. If they can put further pressure on us then maybe we wont be able to take it? Know what I mean? His mother is a manipulative B*tch. Turns out so is the sister. Who says "I wanna take your kid ON her birthday" and not invite her Mom???? REALLY? 

I really believe they are trying to 'finish' us if they can. A concerted effort to do so. I just dont think H believes it. What other excuse is there??? 

His mom has even incinuated that he isnt the father of our dauhter! Yep. Based on eye color. You read that right eye color and a heart condition.....


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> Personally, I think they see a 'crack in the foundation' and they are determined to make the house crumble. If they can put further pressure on us then maybe we wont be able to take it? Know what I mean? His mother is a manipulative B*tch. Turns out so is the sister. Who says "I wanna take your kid ON her birthday" and not invite her Mom???? REALLY?
> 
> I really believe they are trying to 'finish' us if they can. A concerted effort to do so. I just dont think H believes it. What other excuse is there???
> 
> His mom has even incinuated that he isnt the father of our dauhter! Yep. Based on eye color. You read that right eye color and a heart condition.....


Really if he cared he would tell them to stfu. Her mother actually said he needs to get over it. That woman has been told that she is not welcome in my house, EVER! She has not seen my children since. If she apologizes maybe...maybe.


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## ferndog (Dec 2, 2011)

If u want to live a happy life then remember family first. No not his family. I mean your family, your husband and daughter. He should spend more time repairing the damage than letting his mother/sister try to get involved.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

joe kidd said:


> Really if he cared he would tell them to stfu. Her mother actually said he needs to get over it. That woman has been told that she is not welcome in my house, EVER! She has not seen my children since. If she apologizes maybe...maybe.


joe, Im confused by your pronouns.....


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> joe, Im confused by your pronouns.....


Sorry. My wife cheated. Her mother told her I just need to get over it.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

ferndog said:


> If u want to live a happy life then remember family first. No not his family. I mean your family, your husband and daughter. He should spend more time repairing the damage than letting his mother/sister try to get involved.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He has put them on the back burner. Not attending family functions as much etc b/c he is trying to focus on us. Im sure that is why they arent speaking to me- Its my fault he is focusing on home. When he told them what he had done and that he was gonna focus on repairing his marriage their answer was that his "original family" was just as important.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> When they want to spend time with our daughter...


Then do not let them.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Im waiting for this. The STFU. Problem is its all passive aggressive BS. I would have(and did)cut my family off for alot less. If I had violated my marriage I would move heaven and earth to protect it for sure. So Im hoping he gets a belly full soon. I sure have.  I hate that they are getting the better of me. Im sure its the goal, right?

I mean her eye color???? Wow.And they didnt come out of the woodwork, if she knew anything about me she'd know where her color came from-my Grandmother. Not that it should have to be explained, really. Eye color???Thats what it takes to call me a wh0re??? *I* am the faithful one in this marriage! Hello!


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

CTU, you both need to practice these words:
"That won't work for us"... stress the *US*
Make sure they see a united front, in EVERY aspect. When they want him to meet them elsewhere with your daughter, "that doesn't work for us, you can pick her up at home if you wish to see her". PERIOD!
If they continue to push, *CUT THEM OUT COMPLETELY until the toxic behavior ENDS.* You, your husband and your daughter should be the focus. If they can't support your family, they need to be cut out. They are EXTENDED family. Your family is you, your husband, and your daughter. You three come first. You need to get Mr. CTU totally on board with that, pronto.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> CTU, you both need to practice these words:
> "That won't work for us"... stress the *US*
> Make sure they see a united front, in EVERY aspect. When they want him to meet them elsewhere with your daughter, "that doesn't work for us, you can pick her up at home if you wish to see her". PERIOD!
> If they continue to push, *CUT THEM OUT COMPLETELY until the toxic behavior ENDS.* You, your husband and your daughter should be the focus. If they can't support your family, they need to be cut out. They are EXTENDED family. Your family is you, your husband, and your daughter. You three come first. You need to get Mr. CTU totally on board with that, pronto.


AMEN sister!


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Why are you allowing this to happen at all

In all REALITY, they DO NOT HAVE A RIGHT TO SEE HER AT ALL, if you do not want it---so why are you squawking

First, tell your H., and I mean tell him, do not ask, discuss, TELL, him---to tell them, they either treat you civilly, talk to you, work things out with you, OR THEY WILL NOT SEE THEIR GRANDAUGHTER/NIECE at all EVER AGAIN

Did you happen to forget---YOU ARE THE CUSTODIAL PARENT

Your H. cheated so he better not be saying anything

What kind of idiot is your MIL/SIL, to think they would try to have a B'day Party, and not allow the custodial mother to be there, in fact, if they wanted a party, it should have been worked thru/with you

Stop squawking about all of this---and stand up for yourself---once again you are the F'ing CUSTODIAL PARENT---ACT LIKE ONE!!!!!!


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

jnj has a point... you and your husband are together. From all I have read, and I could be wrong, but if the parents are not separated or divorced, then the grandparents can't try to pull that "grandparents rights" stuff. Well, let me clarify...she can TRY, but not succeed. You are the parents. She is toxic. No way in hell she would win. Get your husband onboard. As jnj said: TELL him, don't ask. TELL him they will no longer be allowed to disrespect you, nor your marriage.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

jnj express said:


> Why are you allowing this to happen at all
> 
> In all REALITY, they DO NOT HAVE A RIGHT TO SEE HER AT ALL, if you do not want it---so why are you squawking
> 
> ...


Well. I am the custodial parent-as is her father. I am 'squawking' b/c Im trying to be sure Im not over-reacting to this. I dont like them. They dont like me. I have done my best to just let him have his relationship with them and be pleasant for his sake and my daughter's sake. HOWEVER, at this point they have escalated the 'ignore CTU and treat her like a second class citizen' efforts. Yet they are my daughters family. We dont have any extended family on my side so they are all she has aside from us. So I was making sure I was being reasonable. 

WOW. Youre rough. THis is my H's place to deal with them in my opinion. BUT if he doesnt soon- I will. ANd I will resent it. Yet another thing. Its what they are after I would imagine. 

Thanks for your compassion.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

CTU, you may get sick of me replying! LOL 

Look, I understand wanting your husband to have a relationship with his side of the family. I really do. And I understand wanting your daughter to have that. The problem, tho, is that they are toxic. Your family unit needs to come first, regardless of all others. Honestly, sometimes friends are more like family than actual blood relatives are. Look at tit this way, if they get cut out, there are friends who would likely enjoy the title of "aunt" or "uncle" or even "grandma"... We had plenty of those when we were growing up...and it didn't take away from our actual relatives. Just a thought...


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

CTU, are you sure you know what he said to them when he "confided"? Kinda sounds like he told them something bad about you. Maybe in an effort to give a reason for his actions. Just saying, their reaction seems extreme.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> CTU, are you sure you know what he said to them when he "confided"? Kinda sounds like he told them something bad about you. Maybe in an effort to give a reason for his actions. Just saying, their reaction seems extreme.


Good point.

Is it possible he`s the reason they have a problem with you?

How do you know?

It`s just that I can`t relate to a man allowing his wife to be disrespected at all let alone in this manner.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> CTU, are you sure you know what he said to them when he "confided"? Kinda sounds like he told them something bad about you. Maybe in an effort to give a reason for his actions. Just saying, their reaction seems extreme.


Yes. I was sitting right next to him. He was literally bawling. They gave NO reaction. Didnt ask if we were gonna be ok. Nothing. His mother told him to go to church....

It hasnt been discussed since. He is home all the time. I hear him everytime he speaks to them. He hasnt said anything wrong. They really are the strangest group of people Ive ever met. 

BTW-they dont like ANY of the In-Laws. Period. None of us are 'good enough'. At least thats how they act. His mother has several Masters' degrees and looks down on anyone who doesnt and if youre not Catholic. They all act very entitled.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey CTU---we arn't talking about compassion---we are talking about, civility, and making the proper impression for your child

There is no compassion, in some of these situations, like it or not, you do, what you gotta do!!!!

You will do as you wish, but bottom line is BUT FOR, what your H., did we wouldn't be here, would we

Stand up for yourself, if they don't like it---too bad---and yes your H., is a custodial parent, based on your whim---or did you again forget he cheated, and caused all of this


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Its the dynamic the family has always had. They hate outsiders. Almost like the mob. Sounds ridiculous but its so true. We are gonna have a discussion after the little one goes to bed tonight. 

He did stand up to his sister. But his mother.....all I can say is men and their mothers sometimes.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> Yes. I was sitting right next to him. He was literally bawling. They gave NO reaction. Didnt ask if we were gonna be ok. Nothing. His mother told him to go to church....
> 
> It hasnt been discussed since. He is home all the time. I hear him everytime he speaks to them. He hasnt said anything wrong. They really are the strangest group of people Ive ever met.
> 
> BTW-they dont like ANY of the In-Laws. Period. None of us are 'good enough'. At least thats how they act. His mother has several Masters' degrees and looks down on anyone who doesnt and if youre not Catholic. They all act very entitled.


So, it sounds like you have always had problems with them. Its too bad they are even being like this - but they are. They also sound like a very insular group and if they think D is on the horizon they may be circling the wagons to protect one of their own. 

All I can say is try to take the high road and keep your dignity. Don't lose it (like me!) just be a good Mom. That is the most important thing in the end.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

@jnj
No I didnt 'again' forget. That he cheated is not something Im ever gonna be able to forget. There has been alot of fallout over it. ALOT. Everywhere. From his job to friends to family. This is one place he could put a stop to the bleeding, I agree. I honestly dont understand the draw to them that he has. He has always put his mom first. she has never treated me well. NEVER. He has allowed it. But now, this. THIS is HIS fault. HE should stop it. AGREED. Alot of things need to change. Right.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> So, it sounds like you have always had problems with them. Its too bad they are even being like this - but they are. They also sound like a very insular group and if they think D is on the horizon they may be circling the wagons to protect one of their own.
> 
> All I can say is try to take the high road and keep your dignity. Don't lose it (like me!) just be a good Mom. That is the most important thing in the end.


Yeah, theyre circling the wagon but not to 'protect' one of their own. Its more to get rid of one of the ones they dont want. Its not like they are close to him- AT ALL. They gave him NO compassion when he was basically begging them for support. Yet here we are.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Maybe I should say this- I dont question what he said to her about the A. Now, what he has said to her in the past about me or allowed her to say, thats another question. Clearly she is used to getting away with doing whatever she wants when it comes to me so she learned it somewhere. I would say its likely that she would say things against me and he would basically let her or give some weak argument. VERY weak. He's definately a 'nice guy' when it comes to his mother. She was emotionally dependent on him when he was a kid so the dynamic is very manipulative.

Time to grow up.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> Maybe I should say this- I dont question what he said to her about the A. Now, what he has said to her in the past about me or allowed her to say, thats another question. Clearly she is used to getting away with doing whatever she wants when it comes to me so she learned it somewhere. I would say its likely that she would say things against me and he would basically let her or give some weak argument. VERY weak. He's definately a 'nice guy' when it comes to his mother. She was emotionally dependent on him when he was a kid so the dynamic is very manipulative.
> 
> Time to grow up.


CTU, I fear you are gearing up for a battle that pits you against the matriarch of this family that has always got her way. Aren't you in R? This is the LAST thing you need on your plate. Tell him what you need him to do. Then let him deal with his mother.

Good Luck.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> CTU, I fear you are gearing up for a battle that pits you against the matriarch of this family that has always got her way. Aren't you in R? This is the LAST thing you need on your plate. Tell him what you need him to do. Then let him deal with his mother.
> 
> Good Luck.


Oh that is absolutely my plan. I have NO intention of dealing with any of them. The only thing I will do is prevent my daughter from seeing them if they are gonna be toxic to her. She/they are H's problem. IF he doesnt deal with them-he and I are gonna have yet another problem....


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Calm yourself down and have a talk with your husband.

This is an emotionally charged subject involving a lot of issues that will cause emotions to run high - the main one being what is good for your daughter, but it also involves your husband, the adultery, and your husband's family who have never liked you. Try to stay calm when discussing it or you will not get anywhere.

Tell your husband that it is his job to straighten out his family. He must tell his family that you and his daughter are the most important thing in the world to him, his old family comes second. He must tell them you and him are a package deal. If they don't want to see you, they don't get to see him or your daughter, either. He must tell them that when they treat you poorly, he takes it personally the same as if they are treating him poorly.

You say they are (devout?) Catholics. Let him point out the bible passage that says _*a man should leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife and the two should become one flesh*._ It means that he, to a certain degree, ceases to be a son and becomes a husband. It means he separates from his parents and doesn't put them before his wife. It also says that husband and wife should become one flesh. When two people get married, the husband should make his wife the number one person in his life, they are to become as one. The parents are not supposed to come in between the husband and wife or before the wife.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Also, when your husand talks to his family, he has to make clear that HE is the one who is requiring them to change their behavior because HE is not happy with it, not that you are making him do it. Make sure you tell your husband this before he talks to them.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> Calm yourself down and have a talk with your husband.
> 
> This is an emotionally charged subject involving a lot of issues that will cause emotions to run high - the main one being what is good for your daughter, but it also involves your husband, the adultery, and your husband's family who have never liked you. Try to stay calm when discussing it or you will not get anywhere.
> 
> ...


Will, its not like we've never had a conversation about this before. I know what he should do, he knows what he SHOULD do. Thing is, its not what he IS doing. So, I've been calm for the better part of 16 years. But now for the last 4.5-5 mos. theyve gotten worse and Im kinda at my limit. We have had the whole conversation about treating me poorly is treating him poorly... but he doesnt have that conversation with his mother you see.

And yeah, she claims to be devout -now...again. Now that she is twice divorced. Once from a Baptist minister....

What can I tell ya? Ive talked to him til Im blue but Im gonna try it again.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> Personally, I think they see a 'crack in the foundation' and they are determined to make the house crumble. If they can put further pressure on us then maybe we wont be able to take it? Know what I mean? His mother is a manipulative B*tch. Turns out so is the sister. Who says "I wanna take your kid ON her birthday" and not invite her Mom???? REALLY?
> 
> I really believe they are trying to 'finish' us if they can. A concerted effort to do so. I just dont think H believes it. What other excuse is there???
> 
> His mom has even incinuated that he isnt the father of our dauhter! Yep. Based on eye color. You read that right eye color and a heart condition.....


:iagree:

Maybe he made it seem like his cheating was your fault and they wanted to support him so they bought it? Some people are fool enough to pick sides without considering whether someone is being honest or not.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

moxy said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Maybe he made it seem like his cheating was your fault and they wanted to support him so they bought it? Some people are fool enough to pick sides without considering whether someone is being honest or not.


No, he didnt. He said multiple times that this was 100% his F up. That HE has lied to me and deceived me and that it was on him to fix this. I was there.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> Oh that is absolutely my plan. I have NO intention of dealing with any of them. The only thing I will do is prevent my daughter from seeing them if they are gonna be toxic to her. She/they are H's problem. IF he doesnt deal with them-he and I are gonna have yet another problem....


Nothing new to say except sorry you are going through this. My heart goes out to you.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Yes it will be a real p*sser to survive infidelity but D over his mommy issues....


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> No, he didnt. He said multiple times that this was 100% his F up. That HE has lied to me and deceived me and that it was on him to fix this. I was there.


Oh.  Well, that would have solved that question. If it isn't that, then I'm just sorry to hear that your in-laws are treating you badly. I wish you good luck.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

moxy said:


> Oh.  Well, that would have solved that question. If it isn't that, then I'm just sorry to hear that your in-laws are treating you badly. I wish you good luck.


That would have made a whole other problem IF he was blaming ME for his A!


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey CTU---now is the time---you may never get another opportunity, situation wise, to make demands, and have them acceded to, where your H., can't come back at you.

You tell---him---it is his mge/family/child, or his mother---no discussion---you tell him

2 options---either, her and her family, take you in, as a member of the family, and treat you with civility/courtesy/respect---or they are out of your lives forever

If he doesn't like that, tell him there are actionable consequences, that he may not like---such as D., just drop the words on him,let him know, you do have a plan, and consequences are part of it---if he doesn't get "with this mge"

Lay it on him---he either becomes, a H, and a father---or stays a momma's boy, which is it---you tell him, you don't ask him, nor discuss---tell him

For right now, I guess you gotta wear the pants in this family---cuz you basically got a worthless H

He cheats, he choses momma over his wife and kid---what kind of a H. is that???????


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Wow, jnj is playing hardball today! 

I think what we are all trying to say is good luck tonight.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

LWC---sometimes you just gotta take the bull by the horns, and do what you gotta do

Your spouse, should come around, cuz unless they really don't want their mge/family, what else would they do, where else will they go

You just gotta make the demands---if you stick to your guns, it works out---if not---then what have you really lost


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> Dday was late February and he started IC in April.


Unless he/she is totaly dumb there's no way IC not aware of the mom/son dynamic. What is he getting there about cutting the cord once for all. Whats is he getting about proper boundaries?


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## NewM (Apr 11, 2012)

I don't think you should allow them to be have your daughter without your presence anymore because they are very likely to try to pass their negative thoughts about you onto her.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

jnj express said:


> LWC---sometimes you just gotta take the bull by the horns, and do what you gotta do
> 
> Your spouse, should come around, cuz unless they really don't want their mge/family, what else would they do, where else will they go
> 
> You just gotta make the demands---if you stick to your guns, it works out---if not---then what have you really lost


This is so true. So true.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

JNJ, youre harsh in youre wording but the jist of what youre saying is correct. He Is not worthless but he has definately lost his way in the past few years I'd say. 

Acabado, I agree. I know IC has been talking about boundaries alot. But I think mostly as it pertains to other women. They have talked about his mother but from what I have gathered the IC hasnt really offered any advice in dealing w/her, at least none that he has wanted to share. So maybe he did tell him its time to cut the cord, who knows.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

And just to say this- I wont 'demand' that he cut them off. Thats only gonna make for resentment and in 5 years I'll have to hear about how he doesnt speak to his family b/c of me-No Thanks. Even if I am right.

BUT thats not to say I wont have to step in and say no more daughter visits while they are venomous toward me. If he wants to deal with their BS for a while longer then I will let him know what I think of that. I see it as weak. My mother did this very thing to my brother-he doesnt speak to her.She forced a choice between his wife and her. She lost. Its what my in-laws are trying to do-if he continues to allow it he will find himself having alot of time to spend with them ultimately. As I said before- what a shame to survive infidelity to be crushed by his inability to stand up to his mother. IMO, I've tolerated all I should ever have to from him at this point. If they are that important to him then so be it. Im glad we raised our son(23) to stand on his own two feet. And when you choose a wife-she comes first. She is your priority. He has been taught this all along.I cant imagine treating my future D-I-L this way. Or my son allowing it. Ever. my MIL is too narcissistic to do such a thing.

So last night we didnt really talk about it b/c he knew how I felt about it so he pretty much just shut down. His answer is always "im gonna have to cut them all off" BUT next time she calls its status quo.

Just to be clear: He doesnt have to cut them off. Just stand up for me! For OUR family. Say "your behavior, your actions will NOT be tolerated anymore" and go from there. Give them the opportunity (which they wont take ) to make adjustments. Then if they dont-its on THEM. Just one time say "MOM, No more. You are disrespectful. She is my wife. when you choose to disrespect her, you choose to disrespect me. I will not tolerate it any longer" I dont understand what the hell is so difficult about that? Ive had much harder conversations with my parents. And if they ever treated H that way I would tell them exactly what I just stated and leave the ball in their court. If it continued then it was THEIR choice to cut contact by their actions.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Well, much to my surprise, he did tell his sister that he wasnt going to tolerate her BS anymore! I didnt even know he was calling her but I heard him upstairs with a raised voice and he was talking to her. She really pulled the manipulation trick on our daughters b-day. Keep in mind she is very young. So she fb'd her and sent a text of a pic of a b-day cake. And sent a letter saying" when you want to see me , let me know.." REally???? She is a child. It is the adults job to maintain the relationship not the childs. So, my H got a belly full and let loose on her. Told her about the bday crap and about some stuff she had done to me and told her to "back the hell off". 

I hate that they created this. BUT Im so glad he stepped up to the plate. YAY!


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## Wanting1 (Apr 26, 2012)

Canttrustu,
I just wanted to share you with you my experience. I was your daughter. My granny and aunt hated my mother. (Long, complicated backstory. Basically, granny and aunt are toxic. Mom is a saint.) They tried for years to break up my parents marriage. He is a serial cheater, but somehow they thought she wasn't worthy of him.

So, I was the favored grandchild. They would often whisk me away for weekend adventures or vacations away. (Mom was never welcome.) I was way too young to understand the dynamics and politics going on between all the adults. 

This is the part that breaks my heart as an adult, and I really hope they aren't doing this to your child. But they did everything they could to poison me against my mother. They would tell me how she wasn't grateful. They would gossip about her. They would make her out to be just a terrible person. It was very confusing for me. Of course, I knew my mom wasn't terrible. I lived with her and knew that I loved her and she was a great mom. But it was hurtful to me to have someone else that I loved tell me bad things about my mother. I was an obedient child and would sit there and listen to their diatribes against her. 

Their campaign didn't turn me against my mother, but it left me feeling hurt and conflicted. My mother never stepped in to keep me away from them. My father never stood up for my mother. When I was 9, a new grandchild was born and I dropped off their radar. And that's when the conflict ended. But it took years for me to process their behavior and develop the attitude toward them that would carry into my adulthood.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Wanting a Strong Marriage said:


> Canttrustu,
> I just wanted to share you with you my experience. I was your daughter. My granny and aunt hated my mother. (Long, complicated backstory. Basically, granny and aunt are toxic. Mom is a saint.) They tried for years to break up my parents marriage. He is a serial cheater, but somehow they thought she wasn't worthy of him.
> 
> So, I was the favored grandchild. They would often whisk me away for weekend adventures or vacations away. (Mom was never welcome.) I was way too young to understand the dynamics and politics going on between all the adults.
> ...


Thanks for sharing this. I just had HIM read it. I worry about this very thing. If they are willing to lie to my H about me(and they have) they will most definately lie to a child, right? What the hell is wrong with people? If they loved her they would want her family together. But then again, in their minds THEY are her family not ME. I am just the vessel that carried her.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> Thanks for sharing this. I just had HIM read it. I worry about this very thing. If they are willing to lie to my H about me(and they have) they will most definately lie to a child, right? What the hell is wrong with people? If they loved her they would want her family together. But then again, in their minds THEY are her family not ME. I am just the vessel that carried her.


It's called being a pawn. They're using your daughter as a pawn in their campaign of hatred against you. Now you won't and shouldn't stand for it at all. It's hard to believe the absolutely EVIL things relatives can do: trying to turn their own grand daughter and niece against their own mother just because they hate their daughter in law. 

If you WH is truly remorseful, he should be leading the charge against this hate campaign. Finally he told his sister to back the hell off, he should be telling his mother that too. You shouldn't have to do a thing. This is part of the heavy lifting we talk about here. A true husband would defend his wife against those who threaten her, even if those threatening her are his own family. I've had to do that with my own family before.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> It's called being a pawn. They're using your daughter as a pawn in their campaign of hatred against you. Now you won't and shouldn't stand for it at all. It's hard to believe the absolutely EVIL things relatives can do: trying to turn their own grand daughter and niece against their own mother just because they hate their daughter in law.
> 
> If you WH is truly remorseful, he should be leading the charge against this hate campaign. Finally he told his sister to back the hell off, he should be telling his mother that too. You should have to do a thing. This is part of the heavy lifting we talk about here. A true husband would defend his wife against those who threaten her, even if those threatening her are his own family. I've had to do that with my own family before.


Thanks Lord. Youre right. He is seeing that. Its something that has taken some IC and stepping away from them to see. Weird, he had to step away from his AP to see the fog too. So its almost like a fog with his family too. He just hasnt seen it until now. Yesterday, he was livid. I mean LIVID. Told her whats up. She then sent him an email-which he promptly deleted and ignored.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Is'nt it amazing how suppose christian ppl follow only what they want in the bible. I remember reading, when a man takes a wife, he leaves his mother. But good for him calling her to the carpet.


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## ferndog (Dec 2, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> Thanks Lord. Youre right. He is seeing that. Its something that has taken some IC and stepping away from them to see. Weird, he had to step away from his AP to see the fog too. So its almost like a fog with his family too. He just hasnt seen it until now. Yesterday, he was livid. I mean LIVID. Told her whats up. She then sent him an email-which he promptly deleted and ignored.


I hope you stay focused on what's important (your family). Just as he stepped up (which must have been awful to his soul to argue with his sister) I hope you step up and tell him you love him. Yes he cheated so are you ready for progress or dwell in that action? My brother cheated on his wife 8 years ago, they are still together but she has never recovered from that. My brother has never shown enough emotional love to make her worries and self worth go to positive route. 

Your husband is showing you he cares. So it's up to you to figure out what your ready to do . Do not focus on other things that will try to Hurt you and yours. The problems are controlled by the internal family. If you and you husband have a strong commited
Relationship (meaning healthy, loving, and nurturing) then nothing can come and break it. 

I hope you understand my message. Just as he has hurt you (because something is missing not sure what that's up to you both to figure out) he is trying to fix it . 

Please do not become my brother and his wife. Either break up and carry on. Or stay together love each other and work through the problems. 
I wish you and your happiness for the rest of your lives. Communication, communication, cOmmunication = a strong foundation
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

OldWolf57 said:


> Is'nt it amazing how suppose christian ppl follow only what they want in the bible. I remember reading, when a man takes a wife, he leaves his mother. But good for him calling her to the carpet.


No, when he told his mother that he had to concentrate on home and fix what he had broken she said "well, WE are your original family, and WE are just as important"

He replied "yes, mother but I havent been lying to, deceiving and cheating on YOU"


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> Thanks Lord. Youre right. He is seeing that. Its something that has taken some IC and stepping away from them to see. Weird, he had to step away from his AP to see the fog too. So its almost like a fog with his family too. He just hasnt seen it until now. Yesterday, he was livid. I mean LIVID. Told her whats up. She then sent him an email-which he promptly deleted and ignored.


Thats a good sign. Think of this as a test of his commitment toward R and your marriage. He SHOULD be defending you, regardless whether he was in an affair or not.


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## ferndog (Dec 2, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> Thats a good sign. Think of this as a test of his commitment toward R and your marriage. He SHOULD be defending you, regardless whether he was in an affair or not.


He seems to be making the right decision. Every time you can save a family, you should. No one is perfect and we all have faults just some chose never to deal with them and improve. Maybe actions like this is the original reason you fell in love with him. He is one of the rare ones that can see his faults and tries not to mask it with self victimization
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

ferndog said:


> I hope you stay focused on what's important (your family). Just as he stepped up (which must have been awful to his soul to argue with his sister) I hope you step up and tell him you love him. Yes he cheated so are you ready for progress or dwell in that action? My brother cheated on his wife 8 years ago, they are still together but she has never recovered from that. My brother has never shown enough emotional love to make her worries and self worth go to positive route.
> 
> Your husband is showing you he cares. So it's up to you to figure out what your ready to do . Do not focus on other things that will try to Hurt you and yours. The problems are controlled by the internal family. If you and you husband have a strong commited
> Relationship (meaning healthy, loving, and nurturing) then nothing can come and break it.
> ...


He didnt 'hurt me because something was missing' He hurt me because he was selfish and arrogant. He hurt me b/c he needed an ego boost. All self admitted. 

And not standing up to his family has been a problem for a LONG time. Im just not willing to tolerate it anymore. Its just one more thing right now and Im not going to tolerate it. It effects my daughter. 

I think you are over-simplifying. I do appreciate your message that he is trying to stand up now and I agree. But he is the one that let it get this far in the first place. Its not like this JUST started. It just escalated. Trust me when I tell you that I dont believe that most people would be together if they were dealing with all of the issues that we are. So PLEASE dont question/challenge my committment to my marriage. But that doesnt mean I have to just take whatever comes. It means I am working on forgiveness and he is working on proving he deserves it. And part of that is standing up for his CHOSEN family. Putting us FIRST for the first time in 16yrs. when it comes to his 'original family'


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> Thats a good sign. Think of this as a test of his commitment toward R and your marriage. He SHOULD be defending you, regardless whether he was in an affair or not.


Lord, that is EXACTLY how I think of it!


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## ferndog (Dec 2, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> He didnt 'hurt me because something was missing' He hurt me because he was selfish and arrogant. He hurt me b/c he needed an ego boost. All self admitted.
> 
> And not standing up to his family has been a problem for a LONG time. Im just not willing to tolerate it anymore. Its just one more thing right now and Im not going to tolerate it. It effects my daughter.
> 
> I think you are over-simplifying. I do appreciate your message that he is trying to stand up now and I agree. But he is the one that let it get this far in the first place. Its not like this JUST started. It just escalated. Trust me when I tell you that I dont believe that most people would be together if they were dealing with all of the issues that we are. So PLEASE dont question/challenge my committment to my marriage. But that doesnt mean I have to just take whatever comes. It means I am working on forgiveness and he is working on proving he deserves it. And part of that is standing up for his CHOSEN family. Putting us FIRST for the first time in 16yrs. when it comes to his 'original family'


Yes one someone cheats it's selfish because they don't think or don't care how much it will hurt their partner. It all leads because something is missing, this does not automatically mean its with you. This can be many different things. He did not value his marriage and commitment at that moment. Now the question is why? And how to avoid it happening again? You are angry (with good reason) and seems after 16 years you are not happy. With time it will get better if you and your husband work at it. Either way it ends up I wish both of you luck. I'm 100% sure your husband has good qualities as well or you wouldn't stick around. He is not as bad as you think and in time you will see that. But if you stay angry in time, it will never work or improve. Hope it turns to love (slowly) you can only control your actions. Love vs Anger. It will be a long battle and love will always win IF and ONLY if both are willing to put the time and commitment. Hug your daughter and enjoy the day 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

I am of the mind that IF he wants this marriage he can no longer just coast. He was coasting with his family. Letting everything they did just ride so as not to rock the boat. 

Just coasting when it came to his efforts in the marriage. I know b/c Ive seen the effort he put forth for his AP. No more coasting.
No more actions not matching words.

As Lord said- part of the heavy lifting.

He has done ALOT. I mean ALOT. As have I. But I am not willing to let his family use my daughter. And if he is then we have a problem. If he is willing to let me take the fall so as not to have to cause waves with his mother, then we have a problem.

I think he will stand up to her. Its just taken a long time but the fog of his family dynamic is lifting.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

ferndog said:


> Yes one someone cheats it's selfish because they don't think or don't care how much it will hurt their partner. It all leads because something is missing, this does not automatically mean its with you. This can be many different things. He did not value his marriage and commitment at that moment. Now the question is why? And how to avoid it happening again? You are angry (with good reason) and seems after 16 years you are not happy. With time it will get better if you and your husband work at it. Either way it ends up I wish both of you luck. I'm 100% sure your husband has good qualities as well or you wouldn't stick around. He is not as bad as you think and in time you will see that. But if you stay angry in time, it will never work or improve. Hope it turns to love (slowly) you can only control your actions. Love vs Anger. It will be a long battle and love will always win IF and ONLY if both are willing to put the time and commitment. Hug your daughter and enjoy the day
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks. Youre right, I am angry. ALOT has happened in the past year especially. But as I said the family thing has been a long time in the making. 

He does have alot of good qualities. And Im seeing more and more as he finds himself again. I think once he finds a job and we deal adequately with his family ALOT of the stress will go. THEN we can deal with the A itsself. But we keep having one thing on top of another so its difficult to focus. BUT he is working hard. Everyday. I see it. More than ever.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Glad to hear he's clearing this fog, standing up for his family. The "I didn't lied you..." response sounds like a man sobered up.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

I will say this.....I am tired of the word 'fog'

I am gonna start just doing whatever the hell I want and just claim "i was in the fog of...."

Now HE didnt say he was in a fog with his family but its soo so clear that its basically the same thing. Just not seeing things for what they really are(his family and his AP).

Think Im going to go spend a bunch of money on something extravagant-afterall Im in the dam*ed fog.:rofl:


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## ferndog (Dec 2, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> Thanks. Youre right, I am angry. ALOT has happened in the past year especially. But as I said the family thing has been a long time in the making.
> 
> He does have alot of good qualities. And Im seeing more and more as he finds himself again. I think once he finds a job and we deal adequately with his family ALOT of the stress will go. THEN we can deal with the A itsself. But we keep having one thing on top of another so its difficult to focus. BUT he is working hard. Everyday. I see it. More than ever.


I understand. Family can get involved in things they shouldn't. They mean well I'm sure but they can cause more damage and hurt if they are overly involved. I wonder if your husband has made you look like a bad person by complaining about small things. Family will hear just the negative things about a person and don't realize that there's also a positive side. I am sure that if his family stops getting involved you can then focus on the important thing. If you make it (which I hope so) you will be happier than ever because it was built on trust,caring,love,commitment. And the foundation is communication. Trust will be hard but if he gives it his all he may regain it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> I will say this.....I am tired of the word 'fog'
> 
> I am gonna start just doing whatever the hell I want and just claim "i was in the fog of...."
> 
> ...


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

strugglinghusband said:


> canttrustu said:
> 
> 
> > I will say this.....I am tired of the word 'fog'
> ...


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> This is ridiculous! My H had an almost year long EA. Dday was late February and he started IC in April. He worked with her so NC wasnt established until May. One of the things the IC told him to do was tell a family member or two what he had done. Someone to hold him accountable and as a kind of way of not pretending to be someone he isnt anymore. So, he told his mother and sister. THEY havent spoken to ME since. They avoid me at all cost. When they want to spend time with our daughter they call him(they used to call me as I am home with her all day). When they do schedule a day they meet him somewhere so they dont come to our house so they dont have to see ME???? WTF did I do???? I mean they have really never made it a secret that they dont like me(they are very Catholic and i am not). BUT this is extreme! So HE cheats and Im the a$$hole????? They wanted to have my daughter a birthday party and leave me at home! Yep. Take her somewhere and give her a party ON her birthday and didnt invite me??? WHo the hell would do that???? AND WHY???? What did I do??? My H told them "NO, you cant have her a party and not invite her parents" -sister hung up on him......Then 2 days later his mother took our daughter out but asked him to meet her to pick her up so she didnt have to see me basically. I wouldnt allow my family to treat my H this way. I dont think he should allow it either??? Thoughts???


This is horrible but let me tell you this they are not great people at all and being catholic does not make a person good. Any true loving good christian would know that most christian's people who "claim to be christian" are not going to be saved. Hopefully your Husband did not tell them something really bad about you or lie but that may seem to be the case. 

Best of luck


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Yeah, I can definately see where you'd get that IF you didnt know them. And him. I think its more like they said bad things(like they do about ALL of the in laws) and he allowed it so it escalated. I know he didnt put any of the A on me. As I said I was there when he told them both and everytime he's talked to them since. 

They are both(mom and sister) pretty narcassistic. So NO ONe is as good as them. The rest of us are just 'out laws' and 'inconveniences'. As I said I really believe they see our daughter as 'theirs' and I am just the vessel who boar her. now she's here, if only they could rid themselves of ME. They see the A as the perfect opportunity to wedge themselves in and create more friction. His sister put in an email that when she visited last(the same week as Dday) taht she could "cut the tension with a knife". Now she knew why and still invited herself over- THE SAME WEEK. How was I supposed to act? I was quiet and polite just not talkative. I really didnt want company. You'd think they could understand or at least try?? For God's sake- my H had an A! Have some freakin' mercy on me!


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## ferndog (Dec 2, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> Yeah, I can definately see where you'd get that IF you didnt know them. And him. I think its more like they said bad things(like they do about ALL of the in laws) and he allowed it so it escalated. I know he didnt put any of the A on me. As I said I was there when he told them both and everytime he's talked to them since.
> 
> They are both(mom and sister) pretty narcassistic. So NO ONe is as good as them. The rest of us are just 'out laws' and 'inconveniences'. As I said I really believe they see our daughter as 'theirs' and I am just the vessel who boar her. now she's her, if only they could rid themselves of ME. They see the A as the perfect opportunity to wedge themselves in and create more friction. His sister put in an email that when she visited last(the same week as Dday) taht she could "cut the tension with a knife". Now she knew why and still invited herself over- THE SAME WEEK. How was I supposed to act? I was quiet and polite just not talkative. I really didnt want company. You'd think they could understand or at least try?? For God's sake- my H had an A! Have some freakin' mercy on me!


They must not have a heart, emotions, and feelings to not understand how an A can be so damaging. You give your love to a person and they in turn hurt you by taking something so special and then cheat on you. 

Guess they don't understand that the damage will ultimately be for your daughter if the family splits. Yes you will hurt but your heart knows you did all you could and you didn't cheat
So you'll move on. 

But it doesn't matter what they think. The relationship is between yourself and husband and seems like trying
Help him help you. Meaning help him, tell him what it is you need to forgive him, to build trust, to love like you did before. He may try his hardest but it must be started at a basic level or else true change won't happen. 

100% that family needs to back off. It's affecting you too much. He needs to focus and realize he is close to loosing his family because to many people are getting involved.

Best thing you can do. Write your feelings keep a journal. Write what you like about him and what you want him to change. Write how he hurt you . Why you love him etc. whatever just write
And reflect. You can track your progress and see if you are in a good place after some months. If you are not happy in time then at least you'll get an honest opinion. YOURSELF because your feelings will be on paper and you won't fool yourself.

But I have a feeling you both love each other a lot and will wind up being happy from now on (with work of course).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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