# I'm Back and Unbelievable



## Iwant2bhappy (Dec 12, 2011)

Hello,

I was here a few years ago looking for insight on how to improve my marriage and now I am back here because 5 weeks ago my husband told me he was involved in a 4 year affair. Please Help Me!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So what do you want to do? What does he want to do? Are there kids? Does infidelity have any bearing in your area?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Iwant2bhappy (Dec 12, 2011)

He wants to work it out. The worst part is he accepted a new job in a different state and 12 hours later told me about the affair. He says he wanted to move to start over with me and says he couldn't live with himself any longer without telling. 

But seriously, 4 years? We have 3 children 22, 20, and 17. I love him and want to work it out but I am not sure I will ever be able to forgive.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So do you have specific questions? The decision to work it out is entirely up to you. But the fact that he wants you to make massive changes and "start over" suggests to me that he wants to just sweep things under the rug and not face it. That's no way to repair the damages he's done. 

Have you two looked at counseling? Are you living at the same location now? Why did the affair end? How sure are you that you know everything that you need to know?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

OP, what's your breaking point? Everyone has a point that says deal breaker. Have you even begun to figure yours out?

I ask because a 4 year long affair is a HUGE deal. I can say this with certainty because my affair was 5 years long. My husband and I have been working on reconciliation for over two and a half years now. It's been extremely difficult and is not for the feint at heart.

Your husband is going to have to give you every single answer to every single question for as long as it takes. Hell, even as far from Dday as we are, Dig will have a question pop into his head.

Beware of trickle truth. He will most likely do this by giving you incomplete answers and your sixth sense later will begin tugging at your brain. When and if he gives you a complete answer, you'll be thrust right back to day one. Again, I can say this because I was guilty of doing it.

That said, 4 years is a long time and he honestly might not have recollection of every single event. Again, I'm at total fault for that, too.

You have to be honest with yourself first and foremost. What is your deal breaker?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Iwant2bhappy (Dec 12, 2011)

My deal breaker is if he is in contact with her again.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

First off, we are here for you. And will always be here for you.

You are in shock, so make no decisions in the very immediate future.

But these questions will have to be answered either by you to for you over time, some more urgently:-

1) Who was his AP? Do you know her?
2) Do you want the marriage to continue?
3) Do you want to move? What about your children, including their schooling, relationships, etc?
4) Have you thought about STD/HIV tests?
5) What is the OW likely to do, if anything? Is she a potential threat?
6) Should you expose the affair or not?


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## Iwant2bhappy (Dec 12, 2011)

PBear I am in counseling and we did a few sessions before he moved and he was willing to do them. It is hard now being away. The affair ended because he wanted to move away and start over with me. He actually took me to her house with her husband there to break it off.


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## Iwant2bhappy (Dec 12, 2011)

Matt-Thank you so much. Yes, I know who she is. She was a coworker. I think I want the marriage to continue but I can't get images out of my head. I wanted to move but now scared too. My youngest is a senior so no issue there. The intentions were for me to stay back, sell house and move after my daughter graduates. I have been tested for everything and everything turned out OK. I think eventually she will try to contact him. The affair has been exposed.


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## lovelyblue (Oct 25, 2013)

4yrs holy crap.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Iwant2bhappy said:


> PBear I am in counseling and we did a few sessions before he moved and he was willing to do them. It is hard now being away. The affair ended because he wanted to move away and start over with me. *He actually took me to her house with her husband there to break it off*.


Ouch. 

That must have been bad for you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Iwant2bhappy said:


> Matt-Thank you so much. Yes, I know who she is. She was a coworker. I think I want the marriage to continue but I can't get images out of my head. I wanted to move but now scared too. My youngest is a senior so no issue there. The intentions were for me to stay back, sell house and move after my daughter graduates. I have been tested for everything and everything turned out OK. I think eventually she will try to contact him. The affair has been exposed.


A qualified counsellor trained in NLP techniques can help you with techniques to lessen the mind movies.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Iwant2bhappy said:


> He wants to work it out. The worst part is he accepted a new job in a different state and 12 hours later told me about the affair. He says he wanted to move to start over with me and says he couldn't live with himself any longer without telling.
> 
> But seriously, 4 years? We have 3 children 22, 20, and 17. I love him and want to work it out but I am not sure I will ever be able to forgive.


Moving away, changing phone number and cutting off contact is a great start. Most cheaters would never agree to it. I think he knows he messed up and just wants to come home now.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Sorry for your betrayal.

Do you have any ways to monitor if he has any communication with the other woman? 

How did the other womans husband respond? Do you have an agreement with the other womans husband to notify each other if any signs of communication appear?


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

Iwant2bhappy said:


> My deal breaker is if he is in contact with her again.


That's perfect. It's perfect because it's exact. There is no middle ground. No way to interpret a grey area.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Iwant2bhappy said:


> My deal breaker is if he is in contact with her again.


There is something you could do to test him. Wait a while after the initial shock wears off and then contact him posing as the other woman to test his response. 

You will need to be very fair with him by previously laying down rigid rules about what protocol he is supposed to follow in the event that the other woman contacts him again. Make it extremely clear that if he fails it would equate to instant divorce. 

If you craft the fake fishing message correctly it would give you a pretty good idea of his commitment to your marriage.


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## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

So far, sounds like the outcome with be a good one. He sounds like he is genuine. Taking you to her home to end it in front of her husband...That's is brave as hell and he doesn't sound like he is joking. Please tell us about that scene if you will, including the exit.


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## Iwant2bhappy (Dec 12, 2011)

He asked me to meet him at a gas station and follow him to her house. The 4 of us were in the driveway and my husband apologized to her husband and myself and told her he was committed to me and was moving with his wife out of state. Her husband is an idiot. He has known for a year and never told me. He is so scared of leaving his wife. The skanky c*** stood there with daggers in her eyes staring at me. She didn't say one word. Oh when I got out of the car I said "**** if you were going to cheat why didn't you upgrade, seriously".


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Why did they break up? Was this a pre-emptive move on his part? What is his true motivation? He probably sanitised his devices but I would want to see them and try to recover what I could because I would suspect that a guy who cheated for that long only decided to come clean for a self serving reason.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

I could never forgive a four year affair. 

Your children will all be gone from home soon. Are you afraid of being alone or do you really want to grow old with this man?

OP always say they love their spouse. What is it you love about him?

Please, if you are going to stay married, make him really work hard. I fear a rug-sweep out of fear and major resentment on your part.

Intense counseling for both is a must IMO. IC for you will benefit your healing. 

Please don't do this without counseling for yourself. Affairs really mess things up.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

For those of us who did not know your background, can you give us some insight on what happened during these last 4 years in your relationship? His face to face breakup seems to be genuine. He might deserve you in the long run.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Cheaters tend to "affair down" -- not upgrade. 

It was definitely a very positive sign to have your husband apologize to you and her husband (although her husband is a wimp for tolerating it) in front of her.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Iwant2bhappy said:


> My deal breaker is if he is in contact with her again.


Yes that's deal breaker #1 (no contact). There are more deal breakers though. Anything that keeps you from understanding the 'why' and the 'how to avoid repeat', will become a deal breaker as well.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

I have the same questions as ClipClop but in addition to that: 

Why break up now? Has he had a some kind of "come to Jesus" moment in the recent past? A health scare?

Did someone catch him? A friend or relative that gave him an ultimatum, "Tell your wife or I will". Was the OW going to out him?


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Iwant2bhappy said:


> He asked me to meet him at a gas station and follow him to her house. The 4 of us were in the driveway and my husband apologized to her husband and myself and told her he was committed to me and was moving with his wife out of state. Her husband is an idiot. He has known for a year and never told me. He is so scared of leaving his wife. The skanky c*** stood there with daggers in her eyes staring at me. She didn't say one word. Oh when I got out of the car I said "**** if you were going to cheat why didn't you upgrade, seriously".


Her husband is a fool, no question there. She seems alpha and has the right husband for her, which is one who is a weak coward who is willing to tolerate her bs. She will be back. The problem you run into is now that your WH is trying to make the right moves, you have a one time chance for a clean split right now. Your kids are of the right age, your husband has left to another state. You got two bits of good advice here

1) Take your time on making a decision D or R
2) Test by sending a fake email and see the response.

Then you will know


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Well, you're in no hurry, right? You have til next spring to decide. If he bends over backwards to create a loving marriage and family in that time, you can consider it.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

OP,

I just read your original post again. I knew something didn't sound right.

He told you right before moving away to a new job. I think that is unbelievably selfish to throw all this in your lap and then leave, forcing you to make a difficult decision.

Is your husband abusive?

It sounds like he only made the decision to end h four year affair in order to take a job and needed you by his side as a dutiful wife.

Do you know anyone in the new town where you are going . Do you have any support system?

No matter how remorseful your husband acts, he sounds like a highly selfish man and you should strongly consider at the very least a separation until you can sort out your feelings about this.

This was not a simple affair, this went on for four years. He took those years away from you 100%. You just take your sweet time with your decisions now. 

Heck, there may have been affairs before this most current one. 

YOU hold the cards right now, not him. I would take his money and stay put with counseling and take your time deciding if you want to gamble on man of his character.


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## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

The most crucial thing I believe in a genuine R is whether or not the WS bends over backwards to create or re-create a significant "emotional" bond with the BS. If he doesn't, he will hurt you again, if he does you are safe with him. No LTA exists without a serious emotional bond with the AP. If that can't be recovered or reestablished with the BS, there is no foundation to build anything further nor in the future. So be vigilant about his willingness and affinity to meet your emotional needs and wants, every single one of them, to your satisfaction. Please, do not try to change them to accommodate his "style". 

After years and years of telling me that I do not deserve a home and a vehicle or care, my X2B felt that if he put me in a home etc., that's the solution to our marital problems...the proof of his love for me, the reconciliation oil...NOT! There remained no emotional bond or bonding between us post his 6+ year LTA (which he denies to this day and even blames me for his needing to "talk" to another woman). As long as he denies it he is still with her or replaced her. As long as he denies it, I am unsafe with him. Material things mean less to me than the average woman. Why? Because I did not come from a poverty mentality, he did. His scheme of shutting me up by putting me in a home but treating me like a piece of furniture, backfired on him. Just food for thought OP.


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## Iwant2bhappy (Dec 12, 2011)

I want to believe he is remorseful. He told me because he says he could not live with himself anymore. He has said he tried to break it off with her many many times. He didn't have to tell me. He could of just moved us away and never said a word about it. Also, he could have taken her with him but he wants me, not her.

I will not blame myself for his affair, but I will say that I could have contributed to it. We always fought. In 2011 I woke up one morning and said I am either going to make this work or I am going to divorce him. We fought all the time and I hated sex. That is when I had found this website and others. I learned alot about relationships and sex. We then reconnected. But, we went through some difficult family issues with our kids and we fell back into our old ways. I was one that did not like affection and didn't show much love. However, he did things that made me resentful so we are both to blame. 

I want to believe we can make this work but I can't get the images out of my head.  I should add too that it was on and off for 4 years.


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## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

What do you want & need emotionally & physically?


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## Iwant2bhappy (Dec 12, 2011)

I want him to take care of me. I have always been the one that has taken care of everything. I need his touch more now then ever.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

You have the entire school year to observe how this plays out. You don't need to make any rush decisions.

Please don't move your child during his/her senior year of high school!


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Iwant2bhappy said:


> I want him to take care of me. I have always been the one that has taken care of everything. I need his touch more now then ever.


It's a conflicting and lonely place. You need him for emotional support but he's the cause of your distress. You'll go from hysterical bonding to resentment and anger to insecurity to ...repeat cycle... Your fears and insecurities will drag you around for a while so hang on.

Reconciliation rests mostly on the WS's shoulders IMO but you'll have to do your part and hold him accountable. If he tries to minimize, rugsweep, or avoid ownership then you've got to have your boundaries in place and be ready to call it quits. That's very hard to do while drowning in emotions but it's the only way to avoid false reconciliation and a repeat.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Iwant2bhappy said:


> I want to believe he is remorseful. He told me because he says he could not live with himself anymore. He has said he tried to break it off with her many many times. He didn't have to tell me. He could of just moved us away and never said a word about it. Also, he could have taken her with him but he wants me, not her.


It's good that he admitted the affair; better than the alternative.

However, I wouldn't be so quick to assume everything he tells you is the truth. After all, he lied to you, deceived you and cheated on you for four years.

Perhaps the OW threatened that she would tell you, or perhaps her husband did. Then instead he decided to throw her under the bus. Most married men in A's are fine with their arrangement until it's about to blow up in their face. Then it's their job to convince you that it was all their idea to come clean - because they loved you too much.

All I'm saying is these sudden about face confessions are usually provoked by the fear of being caught.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

It'll take more than a job and moving away to get this behind you. 

No matter where you go, there you are.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

badmemory said:


> It's good that he admitted the affair; better than the alternative.
> 
> However, I wouldn't be so quick to assume everything he tells you is the truth. After all, he lied to you, deceived you and cheated on you for four years.
> 
> Perhaps the OW threatened that she would tell you, or perhaps her husband did. Then instead he decided to throw her under the bus. Most married men in A's are fine with their arrangement until it's about to blow up in their face.


Yea it's just as likely that he lost his job because of this affair and not that he's moving by choice. Exposing it to her husband may have merely been revenge if he thinks she got him fired from his job. Everything he says has to be considered a potential lie because he's proven to not have credibility.


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## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

"... but I will say that I could have contributed to it. We always fought. In 2011 I woke up one morning and said I am either going to make this work or I am going to divorce him. We fought all the time and I hated sex. That is when I had found this website and others. I learned alot about relationships and sex. We then reconnected. But, we went through some difficult family issues with our kids and we fell back into our old ways. *I was one that did not like affection and didn't show much love*. However, he did things that made me resentful so we are both to blame."

But this negates the highlighted: "I want him to take care of me. I have always been the one that has taken care of everything. I need his touch more now then ever." 

Why is it so hard for WHs to believe that when we fight there is resentment and wives shut down emotionally and sexually? Sometimes I wonder? ...Did the fighting begin or worsen before or during the 4 year affair?


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## Iwant2bhappy (Dec 12, 2011)

He did not lose his job. We both decided together for him to take this job. 12 hours after we made the decision to relocate he told me about the affair.


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## Iwant2bhappy (Dec 12, 2011)

Calibre1212 said:


> "... but I will say that I could have contributed to it. We always fought. In 2011 I woke up one morning and said I am either going to make this work or I am going to divorce him. We fought all the time and I hated sex. That is when I had found this website and others. I learned alot about relationships and sex. We then reconnected. But, we went through some difficult family issues with our kids and we fell back into our old ways. *I was one that did not like affection and didn't show much love*. However, he did things that made me resentful so we are both to blame."
> 
> But this negates the highlighted: "I want him to take care of me. I have always been the one that has taken care of everything. I need his touch more now then ever."
> 
> Why is it so hard for WHs to believe that when we fight there is resentment and wives shut down emotionally and sexually? Sometimes I wonder? ...Did the fighting begin or worsen before or during the 4 year affair?


We fought the same before and during the 4 years.


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## Iwant2bhappy (Dec 12, 2011)

Thor said:


> You have the entire school year to observe how this plays out. You don't need to make any rush decisions.
> 
> Please don't move your child during his/her senior year of high school!


I won't that is for sure.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Iwant2bhappy said:


> He asked me to meet him at a gas station and follow him to her house. The 4 of us were in the driveway and my husband apologized to her husband and myself and told her he was committed to me and was moving with his wife out of state. Her husband is an idiot. He has known for a year and never told me. He is so scared of leaving his wife. The skanky c*** stood there with daggers in her eyes staring at me. She didn't say one word. Oh when I got out of the car I said "**** if you were going to cheat why didn't you upgrade, seriously".


I would of been SO humilated and mortified standing there in your position. I'm truely sorry you had to experience that scenario. You didn't deserve to be put in that spot.


Your situation is really tough:

1) On the pro side he did give you an unsolicited confession which, as long as it wasn't coerced, means he might actually have true remorse and genuinely want to save the marriage. A non-negotiable requirement of reconciliation.

2) The bad part is he spent 4 years stabbing you in the back without any regard except for his own selfish desires. To be treated so badly, and for so long, shows how potentially evil he can be. 


It's really a coin flip on how you want to handle this. No one would fault you if you left. If you choose to stick this out then you must seek help to fix your very broken husband.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Your taking blame and defending your cheating husband. This will have to change if you truly want to heal. 

I feel a big rug sweep here but these are the early days. 

I hope things work out well for you.


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## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

Please remember to re-read the Newbie Thread by AlmostRecovered - it's below in my signature.


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## Iwant2bhappy (Dec 12, 2011)

Do many marriages actually survive this?


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

*Re: Re: I'm Back and Unbelievable*



Iwant2bhappy said:


> Do many marriages actually survive this?


Some, yes. Many, no. What is he doing to address his boundary issues? What steps has he taken to ensure that he doesn't betray you again. I'm not one who usually says once a cheater always a cheater. But unless he works on the part of himself that was able to deceive you so completely I would be concerned that you and he will find yourselves in another similar situation. Without preventive measures he may slip back into familiar patterns.


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## Iwant2bhappy (Dec 12, 2011)

bfree said:


> Some, yes. Many, no. What is he doing to address his boundary issues? What steps has he taken to ensure that he doesn't betray you again. I'm not one who usually says once a cheater always a cheater. But unless he works on the part of himself that was able to deceive you so completely I would be concerned that you and he will find yourselves in another similar situation. Without preventive measures he may slip back into familiar patterns.


He is living in another state so it would be hard for them to see each other. The big problem I have is the phone...it is a company phone so I will never know what he is doing. He did give me all passwords to is social media. I don't know what else to do...


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

Iwant2bhappy said:


> PBear I am in counseling and we did a few sessions before he moved and he was willing to do them. It is hard now being away. The affair ended because he wanted to move away and start over with me. He actually took me to her house with her husband there to break it off.


thats a little odd, but a good sign that he really did want to break it off.

If i were you, i would want to know why it happened. You said you were on here a few years ago trying to improve the marriage. did you really try? How was the sex over the last 4 years? Did you deny him, or enthusiastically initiate sex? 

I ask because if there was not reason for him to cheat, but he did it anyway, what makes you think he would be monogamous in the future. 

If on the other hand there were marital issues, they came to a head, they did not get resolved, and after years of denial, he started an affair...then at least there were some reasons for it happening. There are changes you both can make to get an R to be successful.

Im not trying to say you were in any way at fault. I am just trying to see what was going on in his mind at the time of the affair.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

Thor said:


> Please don't move your child during his/her senior year of high school!


yes i 2nd that. that would be devastating


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## Iwant2bhappy (Dec 12, 2011)

murphy5 said:


> thats a little odd, but a good sign that he really did want to break it off.
> 
> If i were you, i would want to know why it happened. You said you were on here a few years ago trying to improve the marriage. did you really try? How was the sex over the last 4 years? Did you deny him, or enthusiastically initiate sex?
> 
> ...


I never denied him sex after 2011. However, we did fight alot. He says she was nice to him. And, honestly, I can say that I was not always nice.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Iwant2bhappy said:


> I never denied him sex after 2011. However, we did fight alot. He says she was nice to him. And, honestly, I can say that I was not always nice.


Being nice is not a prerequisite of being married although it is a good start.

I wouldnt have that in your mind as your fault. Its a lame ass excuse for him to cheat.

You know how many senior citizens I would have tried to cheat with if that were an excuse?

Follow your gut. Draw your line in the sand. If he even so much as flinches at the though of you verifying his compliance that's grounds for marriage ending.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Iwant2bhappy said:


> I never denied him sex after 2011. However, we did fight alot. He says she was nice to him. And, honestly, I can say that I was not always nice.


Self evaluation is healthy but don't take his blame and don't do his lifting. Remember that no matter the state of the relationship, the affair is his weight. Also the state of your marriage over the four years while he was having the affair is his weight because you didn't know what you were fighting. You were at a disadvantage the whole time because he and OW had the whole picture but you only had half of it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Iwant2bhappy said:


> He asked me to meet him at a gas station and follow him to her house. The 4 of us were in the driveway and my husband apologized to her husband and myself and told her he was committed to me and was moving with his wife out of state. Her husband is an idiot. He has known for a year and never told me. He is so scared of leaving his wife. The skanky c*** stood there with daggers in her eyes staring at me. She didn't say one word. Oh when I got out of the car I said "**** if you were going to cheat why didn't you upgrade, seriously".


People hardly ever upgrade when they cheat.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> People hardly ever upgrade when they cheat.


I agree with that. Turns out I was 2 good for my STBX, she was into the 1 crowd instead literally (one had $1 to his name, another had 1 eye, another had 1 ball, I couldn't even make this sh!t up). Definitely not upgrading.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Is it really cheating down or was it she lucked into marrying up? IOW, she cheated with her own kind. You were the anomaly.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I guess that's what you just said. Doh!


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Iwant2bhappy said:


> He did not lose his job. We both decided together for him to take this job. 12 hours after we made the decision to relocate he told me about the affair.


How did you enter into this decision making situation with him, did he mention this job opportunity to you? Did you find it and pass it along to him? You wrote that he tried many times unsuccessfully to break off this affair, so what is different this time that he fessed up to you? Why so suddenly after making this decision? He was able to live with himself for four years without the need to tell you - I think there is part of the story you have not been privy to, and I think it is a crucial bit of information you need to process before you can go ahead with reconciling.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Yeah, it sounds shady. Just like the rest of your situation.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Yeah. This was some sort of preemptive strike.

Could be a legit reason for the choices but if he isn't saying he still isn't trustworthy.

this is one rare situation with her I would suggest contacting the other woman. Cuz I bet she has something to tell you.


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## Iwant2bhappy (Dec 12, 2011)

Thundarr said:


> Self evaluation is healthy but don't take his blame and don't do his lifting. Remember that no matter the state of the relationship, the affair is his weight. Also the state of your marriage over the four years while he was having the affair is his weight because you didn't know what you were fighting. You were at a disadvantage the whole time because he and OW had the whole picture but you only had half of it.


Good Point!!


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## Iwant2bhappy (Dec 12, 2011)

The job situation came to him and I know that for sure. He has always wanted to move. I think this was just what he needed to come clean and for him and I move on with a fresh start. He says over and over he wanted to tell me and could not live with himself anymore. He could have stayed with her and moved her there, she would go in a heartbeat.


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## Iwant2bhappy (Dec 12, 2011)

Lon said:


> How did you enter into this decision making situation with him, did he mention this job opportunity to you? Did you find it and pass it along to him? You wrote that he tried many times unsuccessfully to break off this affair, so what is different this time that he fessed up to you? Why so suddenly after making this decision? He was able to live with himself for four years without the need to tell you - I think there is part of the story you have not been privy to, and I think it is a crucial bit of information you need to process before you can go ahead with reconciling.


The job came to him. And you're right how could he go 4 years and live with himself?


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## Iwant2bhappy (Dec 12, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> People hardly ever upgrade when they cheat.


Why is that? I can't stop comparing myself to her...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Iwant2bhappy said:


> Why is that? I can't stop comparing myself to her...


We don't know why. We just know it's part of the Cheater's Script. Probably something to do with knowing THEY (OW/OM) want to move up, and choosing someone better than them. And the cheater can feel safer, knowing subconsciously that the OW/OM IS working their way up the ladder and 'needs' the spouse.


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## Iwant2bhappy (Dec 12, 2011)

turnera said:


> We don't know why. We just know it's part of the Cheater's Script. Probably something to do with knowing THEY (OW/OM) want to move up, and choosing someone better than them. And the cheater can feel safer, knowing subconsciously that the OW/OM IS working their way up the ladder and 'needs' the spouse.


Interesting...He always says he isn't good enough for me and he thought I was embarrassed of him... I am now.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Iwant2bhappy said:


> Why is that? I can't stop comparing myself to her...


It just happens.

Oh, OK, confession time. When I had my stupid revenge affair, my AP was nowhere near as attractive as my wife. And that's putting it as kindly as I can...


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## Iwant2bhappy (Dec 12, 2011)

I know they say no to revenge affairs but God do I just want to feel another man's hands on me just to see what it feels like.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

*Re: Re: I'm Back and Unbelievable*



Iwant2bhappy said:


> He is living in another state so it would be hard for them to see each other. The big problem I have is the phone...it is a company phone so I will never know what he is doing. He did give me all passwords to is social media. I don't know what else to do...


I wasn't speaking specifically of this particular OW. My concern if I were you is that he could do it again with another woman in another state. What was it inside of him that gave him permission to cheat? Is he going to go looking for another woman once again if things get difficult in your marriage? He's proven that he can betray you. He's proven he can deceive you. He's proven he can hide large parts of his life from you. What has he done to correct this? Regret already posted about her 5 year affair. She has done an awful lot of self reflection. She has delved deep into her soul and had the courage to look her darker nature directly in the eyes and confront that part of herself that caused pain to her husband. Has your husband done that? If not then how can you be certain he won't do this again since he lacks the self awareness to prevent it?


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

*Re: Re: I'm Back and Unbelievable*



Iwant2bhappy said:


> Why is that? I can't stop comparing myself to her...


If you're looking to do something illicit, you do it with someone you suspect is better at doing illicit things with, whom when the sh!t hits the fan with you have no qualms about betraying. Cheaters subconsciously seek out partners whom they foresee being able to throw under the bus if it comes to it, cheaters appreciate partners whom possess qualities which give the cheater an easy out. Deep down they know they are doing a crappy thing and they know they won't find an affair partner that is a quality person.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Squeakr said:


> I agree with that. Turns out I was 2 good for my STBX, she was into the 1 crowd instead literally (one had $1 to his name, another had 1 eye, another had 1 ball, I couldn't even make this sh!t up). Definitely not upgrading.


Sorry but this has had me LOLing for a good 5 minutes now!!!


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Squeakr said:


> I agree with that. Turns out I was 2 good for my STBX, she was into the 1 crowd instead literally (one had $1 to his name, another had 1 eye, another had 1 ball, I couldn't even make this sh!t up). Definitely not upgrading.





synthetic said:


> Sorry but this has had me LOLing for a good 5 minutes now!!!


Three guys walk into a bar. One with one dollar, the other with one eye, and the last one with one ball.

Squeakr's X walks in, looks at them, and says, YOU'RE ALL SCREWWED.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> Three guys walk into a bar. One with one dollar, the other with one eye, and the last one with one ball.
> 
> Squeakr's X walks in, looks at them, and says, YOU'RE ALL SCREWWED.


Squeakr, if you find my joke offensive, I'll erase it. 


On a side note, you guys know how annoying it is to be quoted and then notice gramatical errors in the original comment? Since I quoted myself, I was able to delete, fix, and requote hehe.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I am the poster child for that.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

*Re: Re: I'm Back and Unbelievable*



Thundarr said:


> Squeakr, if you find my joke offensive, I'll erase it.
> 
> 
> On a side note, you guys know how annoying it is to be quoted and then notice gramatical errors in the original comment? Since I quoted myself, I was able to delete, fix, and requote hehe.


Just so why I do abd blab nd on the spell chicks.

If I didn't go back and correct that is what would post.


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## Stuck11 (Jun 12, 2013)

One of the things that bothered me most was that with my husbands affair the OW was everything I always thought he disliked in a woman. She was younger and maybe prettier than me but she was trailer trash, he would have never been able to introduce her to clients, friends etc. Why do they down grade, I don't know.

I feel so sorry for you. Everything you say hits home. We want to take some blame because the question is if we were so good why did he do it. The answer then might be that he is a really bad person and then we could not stay with him and we do want our marriages to work. I have not figured that one out yet.

Again, so sorry that this happened to you, nobody deserves this.

Revenge affair...... I thought about that one often but I can not allow this situation to sink to that level.


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## Iwant2bhappy (Dec 12, 2011)

Stuck11 said:


> One of the things that bothered me most was that with my husbands affair the OW was everything I always thought he disliked in a woman. She was younger and maybe prettier than me but she was trailer trash, he would have never been able to introduce her to clients, friends etc. Why do they down grade, I don't know.
> 
> I feel so sorry for you. Everything you say hits home. We want to take some blame because the question is if we were so good why did he do it. The answer then might be that he is a really bad person and then we could not stay with him and we do want our marriages to work. I have not figured that one out yet.
> 
> ...


Are you still with your husband?


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## Stuck11 (Jun 12, 2013)

Yes I am still with him.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Iwant2bhappy said:


> I can't stop comparing myself to her...


Wish I had an answer for you on that. I compare myself to my fWW's OM all the time, and he's been out of the picture for nearly three years. 

I believe it's not so much the physical appearance of the person that was the big draw. It was more the rush, the illicit sexual nature of the relationship, the secrets shared with someone with whom you're not supposed to have secrets that's a big part of it. It ups the intensity. But most affairs, even long-term ones, are more about lust and infatuation than real love. 

Someone else on this site, a very pretty woman, once temporarily posted a pic of OW in her case. All anyone could say is wow, why would he want to do that cow when you're at home? It doesn't make sense, it'll never make sense. It's one of those things in nature where you see and it can't figure it out, so you end up shrugging your shoulders and accepting that it just _is._


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## Iwant2bhappy (Dec 12, 2011)

Stuck11 said:


> Yes I am still with him.


How long has it been and are you happy with your decision to stay?


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## Iwant2bhappy (Dec 12, 2011)

doubletrouble said:


> Wish I had an answer for you on that. I compare myself to my fWW's OM all the time, and he's been out of the picture for nearly three years.
> 
> I believe it's not so much the physical appearance of the person that was the big draw. It was more the rush, the illicit sexual nature of the relationship, the secrets shared with someone with whom you're not supposed to have secrets that's a big part of it. It ups the intensity. But most affairs, even long-term ones, are more about lust and infatuation than real love.
> 
> Someone else on this site, a very pretty woman, once temporarily posted a pic of OW in her case. All anyone could say is wow, why would he want to do that cow when you're at home? It doesn't make sense, it'll never make sense. It's one of those things in nature where you see and it can't figure it out, so you end up shrugging your shoulders and accepting that it just _is._


He claims it wasn't a fantasy. They fell for each other and connected. Blah Blah Blah...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The only solution for you at this point is to go to therapy and work on improving your self esteem. If you truly loved yourself, you'd be MAD, not sad, you'd be saying how DARE you, you don't even DESERVE me, and move on. Work on that.


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## allwillbewell (Dec 13, 2012)

Sorry you are here.

You expressed many of the feelings I felt/still feel in dealing with a LTA.

My FWH went 6 years before I discovered, 1.5 years into FR he finally admits he had been hiding a previous LTA (1.5yrs) 20 years earlier after his spurned OW #2 blabbed the "secret" he told her! Both OW married too.

We didn't separate, never disclosed to anyone, now I think we should have separated in order to really assess things. If I had known all the TT, rugsweeping, blame-shifting and attempts by his OW to contact him at the beginning, I really don't think I would have chosen to stay.
We are in a fairly good R now, but after reading this thread so many feelings bubbled up and I had to open the discussion he feels is old news. When I describe how I feel, he just shuts down, can't face the reality of what he did. How awful he behaved.

*It is extremely difficult to happily R after LTAs*: they were not mistakes, they were a life style choice which included deception, deluding and humiliating the BS to the OW over many years. So many years lost. FWSs will NEVER understand the damage they inflicted on their spouses' souls. The BS just has to ACCEPT that fact if they want to stay in the marriage.

On good days, you can learn to ignore the sadness of beliefs and dreams destroyed, you can look at them and begin to trust and love again. But on bad days, you look at them and wonder how they could have sunk so low, how you could have been so stupid not to see...what kind of sick puppy are you to take them back? As you regain your self-esteem, anger and resentment take over and you fight your instincts in order to relate normally to them. I am not sure I will ever truly believe anything he says anymore after 20+ years of lies.

Yet, even so...I believe with time and positive actions by both partners, a marriage can be restored even after a LTA but know what you are getting into and look really hard at whether the marriage is worth saving, especially if you are young. And hunker down for years of pain and swallowed pride...it is not for the faint of heart.


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## Stuck11 (Jun 12, 2013)

It's been 9 years since the first DDay and only two and a half months since the second DDay. Yes I am glad I hanged on so far. Not easy. Will I be able to stay this time also and be glad about it, I don't know, only time will tell. But if it ever happens again I'm out of here. I love my husband very much but I have made myself a promise, never again.

I did everything different this time. First time I didn't tell anybody. We didn't go for counselling. I accepted everything and tried harder to be the kind of wife he will be happy with.

This time I dug up everything, no rug sweeping. I told everybody, his mother, my friends, our daughter. We're going for counselling and I insisted it be with our pastor. Someone he knows, not just any stranger. I keep him accountable. I check up on him anytime I like and he must accept that. First time it was just accepted that I will stay, this time he is still not sure I might just decide to leave 2morow, nothing is his choice, it's mine.

There are people that stayed and they have a strong marriage. I cling to the hope that we will be able to say that in years to come. But I no longer believe in fairy tales, I no longer believe in 100% trust. I learned the hard way.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Stuck11 said:


> It's been 9 years since the first DDay and only two and a half months since the second DDay. Yes I am glad I hanged on so far. Not easy. Will I be able to stay this time also and be glad about it, I don't know, only time will tell. But if it ever happens again I'm out of here. I love my husband very much but I have made myself a promise, never again.
> 
> I did everything different this time. First time I didn't tell anybody. We didn't go for counselling. I accepted everything and tried harder to be the kind of wife he will be happy with.
> 
> ...


So he is now "officially" a serial cheater and you are waiting for the when (not the if) it happens again. If after 9 years he is at it again things are not going to change and get better. I am glad he is being held accountable this time but it is more than likely to late to fix as the pattern is set more than likely. 

Good luck in this endeavor as you will surely need it. He is inherently broken inside and counseling with a pastor will not fix this issue. It can possibly help you in your marriage, but he needs to see a therapist (possibly psychiatrist, can't tell from this one post) to fix his broken self.


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## Iwant2bhappy (Dec 12, 2011)

This is all just so hard. I want to learn to forgive, honestly, I have never been taught that. I have said it before, I do not blame myself for the affair but I do believe I could have driven him to it.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Squeakr said:


> So he is now "officially" a serial cheater and you are waiting for the when (not the if) it happens again. If after 9 years he is at it again things are not going to change and get better. I am glad he is being held accountable this time but it is more than likely to late to fix as the pattern is set more than likely.


That usually my response too but I don't think it's fair to say it's hopeless. Stuck didn't hold him accountable the first time. Him being exposed to everyone is a huge difference because this time he can't hide from owning what he's done. I'll bet there's less hysterical bonding this time as well.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Thundarr said:


> That usually my response too but I don't think it's fair to say it's hopeless. Stuck didn't hold him accountable the first time. Him being exposed to everyone is a huge difference because this time he can't hide from owning what he's done. I'll bet there's less hysterical bonding this time as well.


I agree all is not hopeless, but the odds are definitely against the M as it is now a pattern/ habit and these can be hard things to break. There is a reason that the 3 strikes rule in commission of crimes exists (not saying that I think it is a great thing or support it, but the data is there to support repeated commission, hence the need for a law).


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Iwant2bhappy said:


> He claims it wasn't a fantasy. They fell for each other and connected. Blah Blah Blah...


Yeah, I know that one. 

The thing is, you only fall if you take the wrong step.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Iwant2bhappy said:


> This is all just so hard. I want to learn to forgive, honestly, I have never been taught that. I have said it before, I do not blame myself for the affair but I do believe I could have driven him to it.


How could you have driven him to it?

Reference my last post. HE took those steps. YOU didn't.


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## 10th Engineer Harrison (Dec 11, 2013)

Iwant2bhappy said:


> He wants to work it out. The worst part is he accepted a new job in a different state and 12 hours later told me about the affair. He says he wanted to move to start over with me and says he couldn't live with himself any longer without telling.
> 
> But seriously, 4 years? We have 3 children 22, 20, and 17. I love him and want to work it out but I am not sure I will ever be able to forgive.


Sorry for responding 2 this post this late in the thread, but here's what I think:

My wife had an 11-year LTA with a colleague who lived 2 states away. They weren't 2gether more than a handful of times over the years. I found out without her confessing, about 13 years ago. recovery took us several years. What made it hard for me was that she never left 2 conduct her affair, but she also didn't go NC on Rat Meat for years after d-day. Our life is pretty good now, but I have 2 say that it will never be the "same" again, and I'm pretty sure I'd be happier now if I had filed for divorce 10 years ago.

Are kids were mostly grown by d-day (D-21, S-15), so like in your case, custody wouldn't be an issue. Spousal support might.

I would prepare for divorce and see what your H does. A 4 year affair is not something he can "make up for" by being apologetic from a different state. Make sure you're covered financially and legally, whatever you decide.

-ol' 2long


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## 10th Engineer Harrison (Dec 11, 2013)

Iwant2bhappy said:


> This is all just so hard. I want to learn to forgive, honestly, I have never been taught that. I have said it before, I do not blame myself for the affair but I do believe I could have driven him to it.


No, you couldn't have.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Iwant2bhappy said:


> This is all just so hard. I want to learn to forgive, honestly, I have never been taught that. I have said it before, I do not blame myself for the affair but I do believe I could have driven him to it.


Separate the issues.
1. Self reflecting is great but the moment you own any part of the affair is the moment you've gone astray.

2. Really think about your motives. You don't like feeling helpless. One way to think you can prevent a repeat (have control) is to think it was partly your fault. That way you can do better and it won't happen again. There again you've gone astray.

3. Figure out what you actually can do. For starters the above. Then hold only him accountable for the affair. Expose and don't rug sweep. If he's not doing heavy lifting and being transparent and owning the affair then it's false recovery. That's what happened the first time.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

How you doin' OP?


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## Iwant2bhappy (Dec 12, 2011)

Thanks for asking. I am doing OK. One day I am up the next I am down. Right now it is the images I can't get rid of. How long does that take before they start going away?


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

*shrug* It varies with each of us. I'm a year and a half past reading all their emails and so many come to mind every day. Declarations of unending love, all that, and their romps at my great expense. 

Most folks say give it a couple of years. Others can process it in less time, some take more time. I pray for you it takes less.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

The quoted time period is between 2-5 years depending on the level of betrayal to "heal". That speaks nothing to the mind games, movies, and triggers. They will possibly bee there for life as long as one is still connected with the spouse that caused them. Good luck in healing.


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