# Still thinking about leaving after 9 months



## hanay (Mar 5, 2012)

Hi,

It was on boxing day last year that i found out that my partner had slept with someone (one night stand) with someone from his work.

9 months on we have had counselling and yes we still talk about it occasionally but it feels that life has just gone back to normal. This makes me uncomftable as firslty I never moved out when i found out and I feel that he thinks he has just gotten away with it.

I still think about it over and over again and recenlty more than ever I have been thinking that I want to move out- but havent yet done it due to being in a country without my family and no friends that I could stay/live with, finances. 

Is it normal to feel like this 9 months on, or does this prove that I will never trust him, have lost some of the love and I should move on?

I am so depressed and down STILL 9 months and he just seems dandy and fine.

I dont know how I should feel or what I should do.

A


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

You have not said about his remorse.
If you are dependent on him emotionally and financially, he may continue his cheating, because there has been no consequence for his cheating.
Are you monitoring him?


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## hanay (Mar 5, 2012)

He has allowed me access to all of his email addresses, phone etc. He no longer attends work events and yes he does seem remorseful, but I dont know if its enough. 

I actually earn more than him and can afford to live without him, but owning a home and having a mortgage makes it complicated.

I have been monitoring him very closely and he hasnt done anything worng at all, he has been perfect. But will it be a lifetime of monitoring?


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## princess_peach (Sep 4, 2012)

Hi - yes it is totally normally and I'm sorry to say that these feelings will probably never go away. My husband had an affair and left me for 18 months with a a 4 month old baby. That was just over 10 years ago and he did show remorse but things haven't always been that easy and he has not always been good since we got back together. He has stayed out drinking and not come back but I have no proof that he has been unfaithful, oh apart from a couple of hookers in vegas a few years ago but he thinks thats ok. anyway now as I approach 40 my feelings for him are not the same - his behaviour has ground me down and I feel it is my time. I feel I have done really well to last 10 years after his infidelity and I have loved him during this time and we have had good times. We have 2 kids now together. You have to be a strong person to get through this and you will have good days and bad days. It really is just a TIME thing and you have to see how he acts towards you and then you will know. I feel I should have left a long time ago but have hung in there because of love and what I know. Now he is starting to be 'good' sometimes I feel it is too late and I also don't know what to do but I just moved from the UK to the USA and am away from my family which makes it even harder. You will know when the time is right - perhaps have some kind of seperation? Anyway good luck - I know how it feels and its not good. Can you help me ? I don't know how to post as I'm new to this? am i being stupid? I registered but can't see how I can post a problem on here. Would appreciate some guidance from anyone please


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Trust, once broken, takes long to sprout. Monitoring is not required for lifetime. 
Read the newbies link under a user called AlmostRecovered.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Staying or leaving is up to you. Even if he does everything right for the rest of his life, if you can't get past it you have the choice to leave no matter how much he's changed for the better.

You decide if you can live with his betrayal.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

hanay said:


> Hi,
> 
> It was on boxing day last year that i found out that my partner had slept with someone (one night stand) with someone from his work.
> 
> ...


Yes. it's normal, it takes two to five years to heal according to infidelity experts. 

Also, some say the true reality of what your spouse has done to the marriage and your trust etc., does not hit sometimes until six to nine months after dday. 

An affair is like a death that goes through the 7 stags of grief. 

Here is an excerpt about the 7 stages of grief after a death, trauma or significant loss.

*The final stage model we have included is the "7 stages of grief".

Once again, it is important to interpret the stages loosely, and expect much individual variation. There is no neat progression from one stage to the next. In reality, there is much looping back, or stages can hit at the same time, or occur out of order. So why bother with stage models at all? Because they are a good general guide of what to expect. 

For example, generally, a long period of "depression" (not clinical depression), isolation, and loneliness happen late in the grief process, months after the tragedy strikes. It actually is normal and expected for you to be very depressed and sad eight months later.

Outsiders do not understand this, and feel that it should be time for you to "get over it" and rejoin the land of the living. Just knowing that your desire to be alone with your sad reflections at this time is normal will help you deal with outside pressures. You are acting normally. They just don't "get it".



Here is the grief model called "The 7 Stages of Grief":


7 Stages of Grief...

1. SHOCK & DENIAL-
You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.

2. PAIN & GUILT-
As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.

You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.

3. ANGER & BARGAINING-
Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.

You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring him back")

4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.

During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair. 

7 Stages of Grief...

5. THE UPWARD TURN-
As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly.

6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-
As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.

7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-
During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.

7 stages of grief...

You will start to look forward and actually plan things for the future. Eventually, you will be able to think about your lost loved one without pain; sadness, yes, but the wrenching pain will be gone. You will once again anticipate some good times to come, and yes, even find joy again in the experience of living. *


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