# Is lack of sex a good enough reason to leave?????? And how do I do it????



## SashaJ (Mar 2, 2010)

:scratchhead: So, you may have already read my other post "Is it time to give up" well now I need some more advice. Even though I have moved out of the bedroom things haven't gotten any better. Hubby is still as complacent as ever and doesn't appear to be in any hurry to change. Things have been nice between us, no arguing or tension, so yesterday I took the day off, cleaned the house. Got dressed into clothes he likes, skirt and low cut top, made dinner and generally was loving. For my efforts, I got a big fat nothing..... I tried to initiate sex with him and got blown off again "Aww Sash, no" is what he said "on the weekend" (again, nothing will happen on the weekend cause he will be to tired). So I then saw red, got extremely angry and pissed off and am really wondering why I bother. 

Some of you have said about the resentment, well I am feeling that now. I am resentful that I am trapped, I can't go out and pick up a guy and bring him home for the night. I am resentful that I can't sit and relax in my own home. I don't want to sit and watch TV with him yet I want to watch the programs he is watching (sounds stupid I know). I want to have fun but I also don't want to always have to go out and do it. I resent that I am still doing the majority of the work at home, cooking, cleaning, washing and working full time while he whinges that he's tired. I'm not bad looking, I might not be the skinniest person out there but I still have a figure and I am only 38 with no kids so why am I sitting at home every night.

So my question is how do I go about leaving him. How do I go out and have sex with other men and have fun. I have a couple of male friends who would love to do it with me but are so principeled that they won't and that pisses me off too. How can guys say I'm lovely and would love to but don't. What am I doing wrong. I'm not sure how much longer I can do this guys, please give me some advice


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

You can't be approaching your male friends for sex and get angry at them for turning you down since you are married!

If you are that deprived at home for affection you need a real heart to heart with your husband laying it all out.

And if he cannot be the man you want him to be, them leave him.

Only then do you try to be intimate with others.

he might just turn it around. Besides he his dodging you about sex, what do you think is the real reason he avoids sex?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

i may just get blasted for this but you can sign up for online dating websites. Or not even dating- that gets messy. there are sites where you can meet people that just want discreet sex. ive signed up for them before. never actually did it (im too afraid of STDs or unwanted pregnancy's) but it was fun to get mail and look around. 

And you dont have to hide or lie about it to your H. you can tell him- or not. I told my H when i did it.


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## SashaJ (Mar 2, 2010)

I have thought about doing that but I am afraid of the meat market mentality. Even though I am very confident on the outside I have very low self esteme and would be scared that I wouldn't get any replies....I don't know, now I'm rambling.

Michzz.....I know your advice is well founded but I have done the talking, screaming, talking, discussing, ignoring, talking and everything else and still nothing....I love him and want to be with him but I don't want to be in a sexless marriage or if I am because he chooses to be then I should at least have the freedom to have an affair without backlash from him....when I push him he says I am selfish and not understanding but isn't he doing the same thing by not understanding my needs.....who's needs come first here???????


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

SashaJ said:


> I have thought about doing that but I am afraid of the meat market mentality. Even though I am very confident on the outside I have very low self esteme and would be scared that I wouldn't get any replies....I don't know, now I'm rambling.


completely understand what you are saying. going on those sites is scary, but its like therapy. you have low self esteem and now is a good time to confront it. it will get your mind off your fights with your H. you'll have to do a little fighting with yourself, but at least you'll get something from it instead of frustration and depression. you'll start to see yourself as a women again. 

and it will start to make you look at yourself. you will have to start confronting who you have become, both physically and emotionally. a little insecurity about whether someone would like you is a good thing, believe it or not.


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## SashaJ (Mar 2, 2010)

Sounds Like you have been through it too....are you and yours still together?????


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

ya still together. been together five years, fighting for four and a half of those...lol. I lost my marbles for about three years when i gave my soul over to resentment. But things are much better between us.


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## AlexNY (Dec 10, 2009)

SashaJ said:


> I have thought about doing that but I am afraid of the meat market mentality.


This is your mentality also. You have nothing to be afraid of.


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## unloved (Feb 17, 2010)

Yes, lack of sex is a good enough reason to leave and I almost did just that (or was seriously considering an affair). I feel for you, I've been there. 

I was in a sexless (and I mean NO sex at all) marriage for 6 years. My husband had (probably still has) some deep seated resentment towards me (he told me he didn't love me anymore and hadn't for a long time). He said he was just staying for our child. I guess I was putting up with it for our child too. Just recently I reached the end of my rope and started repeatedly bringing up the subject. I learned that screaming and dismissing his feelings or defending myself was not the way to go in our talks. When I started validating his words and reacting thoughtfully and calmly, our discussions about our lack of intimacy became more productive. However, the lack of sex and intimacy never changed. I started bringing up the D word and talked about an affair. I know myself, and knew that if I had an affair I would not find my way back to my husband - I told him that. He knew that I had one foot out the door - I told him that too. I thought it was over. 

And then something changed. I'm not sure if it was something I said or if he just decided that breaking up his family was too high a price to pay - but we've had sex twice in 3 days. I'm happy and hopeful for now. So far, I'm the initiator but at least he's not rejecting me. I know we still have lots of issues to work through but it's a whole lot easier to do when your needs are being met. 

I wish you the best, I totally feel your pain. Just know that if you do go down the road of having an affair you most likely will not find your way back to your husband. Your H most likely has some resentment or lack of desire for you that he isn't voicing. My H didn't want to "hurt my feelings". You've got to get to the root of that no matter how painful or there is really no hope between you and your H.


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## SashaJ (Mar 2, 2010)

Well noiw he's been to the chiropractor...that was going to be the fix for everything....but now he has to wait till Mondayto go back and discuss the results...its always a waiting game....always tomorrow or a couple of days


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

I'll answer your question in 3 parts:

1. Psychologically.

Yes, it's a good enough reason to live. You are "mates" and should be mating. Sex is a vital part of a marriage. . .not maybe necessary if both parties agree, but nonetheless vital. It makes the other partner feel desired, it's an act of bonding, and it's an expression of affection.

2. Legally

Lack of sex/refusing sex is legal grounds for divorce in most states.

3. Religiously

From what I read of Catholic Doctrine, for a marriage to be valid, it must be in a constant state of "consummation" and not having sex/mating is legitimate grounds for annulment, given the right conditions. I am not sure of other religoius doctrine but I would imagine most religions would frown upon sexless marriages.

I have heard all the excuses too - you don't make enough money was the biggest (working 2 jobs), I can't feel it, hormones are messed up, oh the kids are a lot of work, the house isn't clean enough (this is a popular female one - the dirt behind the refridgerator is turning me off), yadda, yadda, yadda.

No excuse above changes the above 3 points. It's supposed to be a joy of marriage, not a chore.

Now. . .the affair thing. . .you could say I am having an affair right now in that I am divorcing, and still officially married (but out of the house almost a year). It's not all it's cracked up to be. I would recommend severing ties before finding sex. You can read my thread below if you want and chime in if you want.

I will say "not-in-love" sex is better than no sex (only speaking as a guy). SO don't get me wrong - I am glad I have a sex life again (irregularly even - maybe 2-3x/month). But you'll maybe find just having another partner doesn't quite scratch that itch you are looking for when you aren't in love.

Of course, an affair could be love and sex, I guess but I think it can become a house of cards.

Good luck with whatever.


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## Jdack (Dec 3, 2009)

SashaJ,

I can understand your frustration. Unless I missed your answer somewhere, I haven't seen a reply to the post regarding why you think he is avoiding sex with you? Do you have any thoughts on this since you are probably the best one to answer this? Are you physically as attractive as when you met, for me, speaking from mans perspective, if my wife was to put on considerable weight for example, I know it would impact my sex drive for her, I get horny if I just look at her when she wearing something nice/tight, and I don't mean if she put on 10 lbs or something as we age, but if she gained, like 50 lbs or more and didn't have the curves that she had, right or wrong, I am very visual, I know it would impact my sex drive, would still love her, but sex would suffer. I don't mean to pry, your post indicates that you are not the skinniest ,skinny or not, have you changed significantly physically since you met I think is probably the question I should ask. If not, then I suspect this is not an issue.

That aside, for me, lack of sex was an issue and I let my wife dictate this too long and hold back sex too long before I took back the reins on this and I laid in on the line, in that the once a week if lucky and only when she really is up to it, and oral sex was like pulling teeth compared to the past and it was not going to fly any more, and that I have always wanted more sex in our marriage with her(at least past 5 years since the kids it really dropped off), but had been satisfying myself to compensate and said if it was her plan to keep this the way they were, I was cashing out, period. This may work with some and not others, my wife knows I am not a bluffer when I a serious,so if I am doing something, I will do it, other wise is it an empty threat. I has improved to at least 3- 4 times a week now for the past few months and when she tried to play it down a few times, I called her on it. I just got to the point where I did not want spend the rest of my life with someone who was not willing to have sex with me or thought it was ok to deprive me of it. That was one area where she has improved greatly now, and with the advise that I sought few months ago on this forum, I also took actions to help built our romance up again and now make it a bi weekly commitment to arrange baby sitting and make reservations to a nice restuarant, particularly one that we like that has live bands with dancing for grown ups (were in our 40's) and have seen this area of our romance improve as well, I must admit, I was not spending the quality time I should have been with her and changed that too and this has made the sex better as well.

Hope you are able to find a way to make it better.


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## SashaJ (Mar 2, 2010)

Thanks Jdack. My weight has gone up but not considerably. I still have nice curves just got a bit more "junk in the trunk". 

If you ask my hubby why we arn't having sex he comes out with ALLLLLL the excuses from I'm tired to not yet but on the weekend. Ha. I am so pissed off with this. He says he needs more time but how much time do I give him. Nothing has improved. We are going out tonight and on Thursday when I tried to come on to him he said wait till we go out...I know it would happen and guess what it's not going to. He has come home from golf and is sitting on the couch complaining how much his back hurts and how tired he is. This is what he does when he is backed into a corner that he can't find a reasonable excues for. He knows that when we come home I will be expecting sex so he is setting it up so he has an excuse. You may think I'm being heartless but remember I am living with this day in day out and it has been going on now for at least 2 if not 3 years. I know all his little tricks. its pathetic really.

You know, I am typing this and all that is going through my head is why the hell bother. Don't really give a **** anymore. But just by saying that it must mean I still do. I know he loves me but is it really love if you aren't willing to put yourself out of your comfort zone for the other person. Aren't willing to push that little bit harder. Maybe I should just leave. I have gotten to comfortable with this life and its time to shake things up a little afterall nothing else seems to change anything.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Is lack of sex a good enough reason to leave??????
YES


And how do I do it????
Explain to him that sex is not simply sex, its an integral component of a loving relationship. Without it, you dont feel the love, and certainly without much else. You ask him if he wants to stay married and if yes will he go to counseling to help uncover and resolve the issues. If you get refusal or resistance you go get in the pre-packed car, and drive away.

not kidding.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Of course it's a good enough reason to leave.


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## SashaJ (Mar 2, 2010)

OK so Saturday night wasn't a complete was out... Yes we did it and it was GOOOOOOOD. But now I need more advice.

For the last two nights I have been back in our bed and now I am starting to think am I comprimising because of one good night of sex. No issues have been resolved and yet I have gone back to enabling him to carry on as normal. I need to talk to him about what now... so once again I ask, any advice


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Yea... just dont give up.. You're right... maybe you shouldnt give so many signs that all is ok but at the same time, it is ok to show positive feedback for a little love you were seeking.

You of course need to be "frank" that although saturday was fantastic, you're stil at a critical point and need to know if and what changes or pursuits he will make. Its not easy. In the end to me, its a matter of him showing how much he loves you.

Do you think he's candid with you? Honest? 

Be honest with him and dont bask in the glory too much. Make sure you're clear that you love him and there is still an unresolved "issue" for you.

I really believe if you're simply very matter of fact, open and honest, you will be able to keep him going and if not, you will at least will have been clear about where your mind is at... right?


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## dire straights (Mar 29, 2010)

SashaJ: Wow, can I relate to how you are feeling! :iagree: I often debate what would be worse, adultery or divorce. My H never had a great libido but its down to 2-3 times a year now...and we've only been married over a year. When I can have sex, I have to basically tell him we are having sex, am always on top, and there is little to no involvement by him...so the sex isn't even good! 

I don't want to give up but he doesn't seem to either get it, or care, how this affects me. And I can't help but wonder that if he supposedly loves me, which I truly think he does in his odd way...then shouldn't he at least try to "fake" being interested and have sex or intimate relations with me?

I'm sorry I don't know what to tell you...just wanted to let you know you are not the only one in this pridicament and to hang in there.


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

This is a tough situation, I am in one very similar to yours and am questioning the same thing... to the point of having a plan. 

The answer to your specific qustion is not enough sex reason to leave is yes... but cautioned with a maybe. Its cautioned only if you think your spouse is willing to uncover why he is unwilling to wake up each morning and make a choice to put you above himself as you should do each morning as well. By knowing you have a need he is not choosing to do this. 

If he simply does not want it more than you have it, then he will not change. He knows how you feel. The only way to test this is something I have been trying... 
1) Do not ask for sex
2) Do not communicate with him during the day (email, txt, phone)
3) Actually say no to him the rare few times he may approach you and just say that you are way too tired after your busy day (hopefully you will have had one as he needs to believe it)
4) Continue about your daily chores 
5) No complaining, no raising of your voice, no disagreeing with him

I know this breeds resentment, as I have been doing it and really pissed that I have to "play a game" in order to restore some balance... but discovered that I had to do this, BECAUSE NO AMOUNT OF TALKING, RATIONALIZING, EXPLAINING WILL WORK. ALL IT DOES IS MAKE HIM FEEL BELITTLED AND EMASCULATED. Sorry for the caps but I wanted to emphasize my point.

My husband and I finally after almost 3 weeks of this, had a talk this past weekend and he thought I thought little of him because I talk about the renovations I did on my old house with my ex husband and he perceived I was saying something negative about him, that he wasnt good enough. Instead of getting mad at him for "punishing me" etc by withholding sex, I said to him that I talk facts and Im literal... I had no judgments attached to anything I said or say... I was talking abot a house I was proud of renovating... not devaluing him as a person. I stated that for us to survive, he needs to learn not to take things as a threat about him. I apologized for having hurt him by talking about my old house. I realized he doesnt have sex with me more because he is insecure, in himself and my love for him... and it has made him act in ways that communicate he doesnt love me.

I still may leave come August, as I still have my plan... getting an apartment. If things continue to go well, then it will be an apartment that I "need to be closer to my kids school." If things are still bad, then it will be a trial separation to see if time apart will heal us.

Have a plan in mind so that either way you can take care of yourself. See how much money you would have access to on a monthly basis. Have you ever asked for a legal open marriage agreement? Or, simply moing to another bedroom in your house could constitute a legal separation. But you would have to write out terms of that and check your states laws on separation in the same residence... as well as dating... having an open marriage clause in your separation agreement will allow you to date and have sex without consequence of grounds for divorce... and more people are open to dating separated persons than persons in an open marriage.

Good luck!


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## married-infidel (Apr 6, 2010)

Sasha...

I am in the exact same situation as you are to the fact that one good session feels so goo that i too enable him to be his 'normal' self and am myself back to being nice and normal to him seeing hope that things might improve after all... until for the entire next month he doesnt even touch n i am frustrated and i wonder if i can say no out of anger the next time he approaches me... 

the answer is no i cant cos i need the sex... and he knows this i guess and has the power to make me dance to his tunes...  plus, i also dont want to give him a reason to say that at so and so time he had initiated but it was me who denied to do it...

and the pregnancy hormones are driving my desires crazy... forget about getting heightened activity for the heightened desires, i dont even get normal sex.. forget that, i dont get normal cuddles, loving, kisses or hugs... and just like you, i know all his little tricks... he's tired, he's sleepy, his back or neck is paining, he's got a huge day at work tomorrow and needs to rest... he's had a rough day and needs to sleep.. endless... and this has been the case ever since the day we got married...

once or twice a month in the 2nd month of our marriage... bah!!! and somewhere few months ago his new excuse was that my nagging puts him off to the core and he doesnt feel like touching me... when asked that the nagging was not from day one of marriage then what's his excuse - well, i get silence...

i've also done all talking, fighting, crying, talking, reasoning, explaning my feelings and needs, gently showing him errors of his ways... NOTHING... am banging my head against the wall... now in my pregnancy his excuse is my pregnancy - fear of hurting the baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fine, acceptable... the concern can be genuine, if the married life was otherwise normal... ok fine, even then i would accept his concern, but then what am i asking as a compromise is - touching, hugging, kissing - is THAT harmful for the baby too!!!!!! its plainly only an excuse.......

i have not read all responses to your post, but has anyone suggested to you to check if your husband is addicted to porn and masturbation... i have read and been told that this addiction kills the desire for the real thing and it needs professional help to come out of it before the person can start having normal sex...

ofcourse all my requests and suggestions to see a professional have fallen on deaf ears... all he does is ignores my texts, emails, discussions, cries for help....


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

Whoa. Tell you what this could be me - except I'm the fella.

Sex occurs about once every 2 months. Apart from this I do get some form of 'action' about once a week. Better than nothing I guess.

Trobule is wife is totally uninterested. She was never that great when we first met so I guess I should have known. Been together 20 years.

Thing is she sort of blames me for my weight gain. Like you I aint THAT bad but could lose 40-50 lbs. Thing is should my wife like me however I am? Or should i lose weight for her?

Shes even said she'd be ok if I went elsewhere for sex. Not that they're knocking on the door though!LOL

Bit too weird for me. Thing is apart from sex we're GREAT.

??????


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

would loseing weight make you feel better ? 
when you have nothing to lose i think so much can change by looking after yourself  get fit look after yourself and see her change !! x


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

humpty dumpty said:


> would loseing weight make you feel better ?
> when you have nothing to lose i think so much can change by looking after yourself  get fit look after yourself and see her change !! x


Hi Humpty,

Yeh. But what if I make the effort to lose loads of weight and she doesnt change? LOL.

I know it probably wouldnt hurt me either way. 

Part of me thinks it is my fault for not looking after myself but part of me does think she should love me for whatever. Or am I being unreasonable here?


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

HI  

Personally i find men who look after themself dam right sexy !!! if you cant be bothered ....why should she ??? 

you can say she should love me whatever !! why should she ?? 

ive also been married for 19 years had some bad times to ..but nothing makes me happier then to se and smell my hubbie after hes had a good work out ..

whats wrong with looking good  go on lose some weight look after yourself ,,,,but do it for you not for anyone else xxx


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## MMA_FIGHTER (Feb 2, 2009)

SashaJ said:


> I have thought about doing that but I am afraid of the meat market mentality. Even though I am very confident on the outside I have very low self esteme and would be scared that I wouldn't get any replies....I don't know, now I'm rambling.
> 
> Michzz.....I know your advice is well founded but I have done the talking, screaming, talking, discussing, ignoring, talking and everything else and still nothing....I love him and want to be with him but I don't want to be in a sexless marriage or if I am because he chooses to be then I should at least have the freedom to have an affair without backlash from him....when I push him he says I am selfish and not understanding but isn't he doing the same thing by not understanding my needs.....who's needs come first here???????


 every guy on there is looking for sex and someone to have sex with, if you got a heartbeat and are fairly attractive there are guys out there who will respond and be more than happy to clean your pipes...ill even do it, but im married to my hotter than ever wife...


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## MMA_FIGHTER (Feb 2, 2009)

dire straights said:


> SashaJ: Wow, can I relate to how you are feeling! :iagree: I often debate what would be worse, adultery or divorce. My H never had a great libido but its down to 2-3 times a year now...and we've only been married over a year. When I can have sex, I have to basically tell him we are having sex, am always on top, and there is little to no involvement by him...so the sex isn't even good!
> 
> I don't want to give up but he doesn't seem to either get it, or care, how this affects me. And I can't help but wonder that if he supposedly loves me, which I truly think he does in his odd way...then shouldn't he at least try to "fake" being interested and have sex or intimate relations with me?
> 
> I'm sorry I don't know what to tell you...just wanted to let you know you are not the only one in this pridicament and to hang in there.


 thats uncalled for, how old is this guy and can i come over there and tell him what a **** he is....


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

humpty dumpty said:


> HI
> 
> Personally i find men who look after themself dam right sexy !!! if you cant be bothered ....why should she ???
> 
> ...


Yeh. I think your right to a certain extent.

From what I've seen people tend to be divided down the middle on this. Theres the "why should she make an effort if you dont" argument and then theres the "you married me for better or worse" argument.

Not sure which one is right. LOL


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

MMA_FIGHTER said:


> thats uncalled for, how old is this guy and can i come over there and tell him what a **** he is....


I also find it strange that there are guys out there who dont want sex. Weird.


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## Mike188 (Dec 29, 2009)

Its not lack of SEX, its a lack of love and intimacy that hurts (but the actual sex part feels good too and some people need it more than others). 

One of my "love languages" is touch and I touch and caress my wife a lot, which she REALLY likes. The wierd thing is she rarely returns the favor even though she knows I am a big toucher. I'm starting to think she is just selfish. She requires that I perform oral sex on her almost every time we have sex, and I don't mind one bit. I nearly always bring her to climax orally and then we start having intercourse. I get oral sex about once per year and she makes somewhat of a drama out of it and does it for about 60 seconds and she is done. What a ripoff! 

You should thank your friends for not having sex with you. It shows that they care more about you and your hapiness than another chance for them to get laid. They are thinking clearly and you aren't. Don't suck them into this. Keep them as friends because they are probably good ones.


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