# Asexuality - Will not be Popular



## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I've been reading this forum & see many posts from frustrated people. Something to consider that some people may not be familiar with:

Asexuality is a lack of sexual desire and/or sexual attraction. There are also many spectrums of asexuality. Asexuality is considered a "sexual orientation." Many asexuals have sex but the desire to is not there.

If people don't "desire" or want something, then they usually don't initiate or seek it out.

This is not a "popular" topic. Asexuals make up a very small percentage of people. 

I am posting this because it may help others with partners who do not want to have sex as to a "possible" reason.

Please do not bash me. I am not pushing an "agenda" although I am asexual. It is not a choice.

BTW - I do have sex & hubs knows everything. We compromise.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

This is probably a stupid question...for asexuals,you said they don't desire or want something.Is this specific to sex or can it branch to other parts of life?


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> This is probably a stupid question...for asexuals,you said they don't desire or want something.Is this specific to sex or can it branch to other parts of life?


Not a stupid question. Thank you for asking.

It is specific to sex although some asexuals do not want any physical intimacy including kissing and cuddling. Some are repulsed by sex.

I do not desire sex but am not repulsed by it. I will have sex because it is important to hubs & will find ways to make it enjoyable to both of us.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

i mean does it branch to things like not desiring that piece of cheesecake in the bakery window?not desiring that gorgeous dress in the magazine?
just floating through life without really wanting or desiring much of anything?does it mean there are no emotional desires too?
or is it JUST related to physical desire?


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> i mean does it branch to things like not desiring that piece of cheesecake in the bakery window?not desiring that gorgeous dress in the magazine?
> just floating through life without really wanting or desiring much of anything?does it mean there are no emotional desires too?
> or is it JUST related to physical desire?


Just sexual desire....pass the cheesecake please


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## bluelaser (May 26, 2012)

Questions -
1) Are you attracted to other people. If yes what is the attraction based on (since it isn't sexual)
2) If your DH wanted to have sex with other women would that bother you since its not something that you want/need from him
3) Do you need affection from your DH? What would that be expressed as? Hugging? Kissing?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

So are people with asexuality born that way? They never really had a desire for sex to begin with? Or did something happen along the way and they lost desire? 

I think most people here who had desire before but lost it was due to many things, examples... medical issues, resentment towards a spouse, or maybe just not sexually compatible.


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

I do not know why an asexual person would want to marry another person then, assuming the latter is "sexual". 

To me it's the equivalent of a homosexual man wanting to marry a heterosexual woman. The former has no desire for the latter (sexually). There can be companionship and lots of other stuff, but ultimately, it's not fair to the woman. 

Oh, you can argue the asexual person will not have an affair while the homosexual man in example will be doing things behind w's back. True, but I am not talking about that aspect. I am only speaking from a "not wanted" perspective. 

There is absolutely no chance I would enjoy being with an asexual spouse. To OP, I am not attacking you. I am just wondering how such a relationship works. I know in my marriage both people have to want each other, that's not just sex, but this wanting eventually leads to sex. To say it stops somewhere short because one has do desire for sexual activities just seems incomplete.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

bluelaser said:


> Questions -
> 1) Are you attracted to other people. If yes what is the attraction based on (since it isn't sexual)
> 2) If your DH wanted to have sex with other women would that bother you since its not something that you want/need from him
> 3) Do you need affection from your DH? What would that be expressed as? Hugging? Kissing?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


1) I am attracted to people. I am attracted to beauty, intelligence, kindness & sarcasm .....I just don't feel "sexual" attraction. I am attracted to Hugh Jackman but don't want to jump his bones.

2) If DH wants to have sex with other women, then he is free to leave the marriage. DH is very low drive; no bait & switch here - he knew exactly who I was when we married. 2nd marriage for both of us. Having sex with other women in a marriage is cheating.

3) Yes, I need affection from DH & we kiss, cuddle, play AND have sex.


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

It seems to me that some people are born asexual. What I don't understand is why somebody who is asexual would marry someone who is not.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

have you had an orgasm?


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Jamison said:


> So are people with asexuality born that way? They never really had a desire for sex to begin with? Or did something happen along the way and they lost desire?
> 
> I think most people here who had desire before but lost it was due to many things, examples... medical issues, resentment towards a spouse, or maybe just not sexually compatible.


Asexuality is a sexual orientation. I believe we are born this way. No different from homosexuals and heterosexuals.

I am in my mid-40's. I have had 2 LTR's, a 22 yr. marriage & current marriage (2 yrs.). I have never been sexually abused. I have had counseling, medical intervention & done lots of research to find out what is "wrong" with me. 

I had never even heard of asexuality until 3 yrs. ago.

I suppose a person who identifies as asexual could develop sexual desire at some point - that would be awesome for me!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Personally, I have no problems with someone being asexual, bi-sexual, or homosexual (speaking as a heterosexual). What I DO have problems with is someone masking their sexuality prior to a long term committment, or denying/hiding their sexuality if it changes later in life and affecting their relationship with their partner. If you're asexual and you know it, let your partner know so they can make an informed decision to stay in the relationship or not. Don't play games with "I'm tired", or "not now, the kids might hear". Tell it like it really is, and both parties can try to find happiness. Same with bi/homosexuality. If I'm not floating your boat because I'm the wrong gender, let me know and we can try to work towards a solution, even if that means a divorce. But don't leave me hanging in a sexless marriage, banging my head against the wall as I try to figure out what I can do to change things.

This doesn't sound like the case with you, and more power to you and your spouse. And thanks for opening up the topic for discussion!

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

PBear said:


> Personally, I have no problems with someone being asexual, bi-sexual, or homosexual (speaking as a heterosexual). What I DO have problems with is someone masking their sexuality prior to a long term committment, or denying/hiding their sexuality if it changes later in life and affecting their relationship with their partner. If you're asexual and you know it, let your partner know so they can make an informed decision to stay in the relationship or not. Don't play games with "I'm tired", or "not now, the kids might hear". Tell it like it really is, and both parties can try to find happiness. Same with bi/homosexuality. If I'm not floating your boat because I'm the wrong gender, let me know and we can try to work towards a solution, even if that means a divorce. But don't leave me hanging in a sexless marriage, banging my head against the wall as I try to figure out what I can do to change things.
> 
> This doesn't sound like the case with you, and more power to you and your spouse. And thanks for opening up the topic for discussion!
> 
> ...


Agree.

I see people here wondering why their spouse won't and/or don't want to have sex with them. I see gay, cheating, etc. & wanted to present another possibility that is very real & to sexual people (the majority) sounds God awful.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> have you had an orgasm?


Yes.

See post about "Magic Wand"


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Personally I don't believe MOST cases of asexuality (including this one). In my mind, 99% of the people claiming they're asexual are only asexual with their partner. Put them with the right person and all of a sudden they're "cured".


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## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

Emerald,

Thanks for sharing this. Hopefully people won't "shoot the messenger" as they say. 

As someone who has had about a dozen 1yr+ relationships i believe that there are women who are asexual as you describe. I think many women don't necessarily realize it when they are young as sex is still a novelty (particularly in a new relationship) so they may not know their relative lack of interest. 

I don't know how to look up your past post on your majic want/orgasm comment. Can you past it here


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

tjohnson said:


> Emerald,
> 
> Thanks for sharing this. Hopefully people won't "shoot the messenger" as they say.
> 
> ...


Thanks tj.

Not sure how to link my post to this post here but you can find it in this forum - still on the 1st page.

Also there are asexual men. Yes, you are right; did not realize it when I was younger & "faking" desire, O's, etc. was not my thing. I have had about a dozen sexual partners & am not about to try thousands looking for a "cure."


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## heartsdelight (Apr 2, 2012)

My husband is also asexual. He was open about this from day one. We are working on the whole sex thing (he has a crippling fear of p to v sex) but he is more affectionate than any other guy I've been with- he loves physical contact- touching, kissing, hugging, cuddling, etc. 

I'm glad that there are other people who have marriages that they've figured out how to work through that. Many people would not make the same choice I did, but my husband is an incredible guy and I can't imagine not being with him, sex or not. I hope one day we can get to where you guys are. I'm also LD (or at least good at keeping it out of mind) so this hasn't really crippled our relationship yet.


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

Just curiosity. If you've had an orgasm, do you not crave another? Or do you crave it with the magic wand and not with your husband? When hubby is away I like the shower massager myself.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Hopefull363 said:


> Just curiosity. If you've had an orgasm, do you not crave another? Or do you crave it with the magic wand and not with your husband? When hubby is away I like the shower massager myself.


LOL - nope don't crave the wand.

The O's from the wand is a physical release (squirting) & some tingling but does not feel good, not bad, just "meh." There are sexual people that have O's but they don't feel awesome - different scenario.

The wand/squirting turns hubs on. Read "She cums first." Hubs who is a "hard cummer" can then relax & concetrate on his own O.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

Thanks for this thread and for being brave enough to share it.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

I'm glad you made this thread. I've found myself a couple times on this board reminding people that some people are just asexual, and will likely never change.

True asexuality is rare, and many claim it as a cover for other sexual dysfunctions, but it does exist legitimately.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Emerald said:


> I've been reading this forum & see many posts from frustrated people. Something to consider that some people may not be familiar with:
> 
> Asexuality is a lack of sexual desire and/or sexual attraction. There are also many spectrums of asexuality. Asexuality is considered a "sexual orientation." Many asexuals have sex but the desire to is not there.
> 
> ...


Not to argue the point, but asexuality is not considered a sexual orientation by everyone. Some in the field feel it is a lack of sexual orientation.

But to further the point, you have sex with your husband. Would you or have you have sex with another woman?


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Chris Taylor said:


> Not to argue the point, but asexuality is not considered a sexual orientation by everyone. Some in the field feel it is a lack of sexual orientation.
> 
> But to further the point, you have sex with your husband. Would you or have you have sex with another woman?


No.

I'm not attracted to women physically. I don't want to kiss, cuddle and/or have sex with them. 

I'm attracted to my husband. Attraction is different from sexual desire. 

I have sex with my husband because I want him to be happy & please him. Nobody needs to feel sorry for him; he is VERY LD & has his own "issues."

We communicate, compromise & are happy.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I worked with a man that I believed to be asexual. I know that he was not gay, but he had no interest whatsoever in women, and seemed to care nothing about sex.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Emerald said:


> 2) If DH wants to have sex with other women, then he is free to leave the marriage. DH is very low drive; no bait & switch here - he knew exactly who I was when we married. 2nd marriage for both of us. Having sex with other women in a marriage is cheating.


This confuses me. I respect your sensibilities, and get that this works for you because you are asexual and your husband is pretty close.

But, if you don't desire sex, why is it so important that your husband not stray to another women? I would of course be upset if my partner cheated, but that's because I am a perpetually willing partner; it's the fact that I was cheated on while being available that would bother me.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

My ex wife claimed to be "asexual", too. But it turned out that she was only that way with me.
In my present world, if somebody gives any indication they have this quirk, it means they won't be dining with me more than once.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

DTO said:


> This confuses me. I respect your sensibilities, and get that this works for you because you are asexual and your husband is pretty close.
> 
> But, if you don't desire sex, why is it so important that your husband not stray to another women? I would of course be upset if my partner cheated, but that's because I am a perpetually willing partner; it's the fact that I was cheated on while being available that would bother me.


Let me clear this up for you - good question BTW.

I HAVE sex with my H WHENEVER he wants to & we both enjoy it & have fun. We watch porn, I researched how to give great BJ's, I wear sexy lingerie, etc. I LOVE to please him & initiate. I simply don't feel sexual desire. I can't help it.

H is happy. We are both on our 2nd marriage. His 1st wife is HD & wasn't satisfied with his LD, so had an affair & busted up his family with 2 children. 

He was single for 10 yrs. & had relationships with HD women & they were both frustrated. We both don't believe in cheating in a marriage. Frankly, he is relieved to be with a woman who doesn't "pressure" him for sex all of the time because that is how it did feel for him causing him sexual anxieties.

I really don't think a pro-marriage website should advocate cheating no matter what the circumstance.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

heartsdelight said:


> My husband is also asexual. He was open about this from day one. We are working on the whole sex thing (*he has a crippling fear of p to v sex*)


Can I ask why?

And you say you are "working on it" but you also said he told you from the beginning so if you knew this from the beginning, why did you marry himn if it bothers you? Or does it not bother you? Then what is there to "work on?"


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Emerald said:


> Let me clear this up for you - good question BTW.
> 
> I HAVE sex with my H WHENEVER he wants to & we both enjoy it & have fun. We watch porn, I researched how to give great BJ's, I wear sexy lingerie, etc. I LOVE to please him & initiate. I simply don't feel sexual desire. I can't help it.
> 
> ...


You seem to have it figured out pretty well and are in a situation that works for both of you.

I don't think anyone here advocates cheating. The question always arises when one partner feels sex isn't important in the marriage but is important enough not to allow it outside the marriage.


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

Emerald,

So when you sought medical help they checked you hormones and all that jazz? Does this have anything to do with endocrine dysfunction of some.sort?


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## marriedwithkids1 (Nov 10, 2010)

I think people (myself included) should read the Original posts and the corresponding responses before replying lest they be totally irrelavant. 

MISSYMRS, perhaps you have not read her recent responses. I mean why would emerald want to change. I mean she likes and enjoys sex and this seems fine with her hubby. She has learned how to give a good BJ and gives her H sex when he wants it. From what i am reading her H has it better than most. Unless she is exaggerating that is LOL. Like other sexual orientations this one problably has degrees of severeness. I personally love sex and have great orgasms...that said i am dont' have a high "drive" like my husband. 

I think this would be a great concept to bring to the mainstream. How many marriages have failed, or have created strains because of this imbalance.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

I too wonder why so many seem to be trying to "fix" Emerald.

The woman is asexual. By her account, she's always felt asexual. She does not have a drive for sex, and she as accepted that. Questions about whether she wants to screw other women, or has had her hormones checked, are inconsequential. It's as if she said she was a Lesbian and people started asking her if she's tried other guys out to make sure.

It doesn't matter what any of our individual beliefs on asexuality are. Whether you believe it's a legitimate sexual orientation, lack of an orientation, a chemical imbalance, or something psychologically impaired, the OP has labeled herself as asexual and she did not create this thread asking for anybody to try and fix her, or discover the root of her "problem".


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

jaquen said:


> I too wonder why so many seem to be trying to "fix" Emerald.
> 
> The woman is asexual. By her account, she's always felt asexual. She does not have a drive for sex, and she as accepted that. Questions about whether she wants to screw other women, or has had her hormones checked, are inconsequential. It's as if she said she was a Lesbian and people started asking her if she's tried other guys out to make sure.
> 
> It doesn't matter what any of our individual beliefs on asexuality are. Whether you believe it's a legitimate sexual orientation, lack of an orientation, a chemical imbalance, or something psychologically impaired, the OP has labeled herself as asexual and she did not create this thread asked for anybody to try and fix her, or discover the root of her "problem".


Thanks 

Just wanted to offer another (remote) possibility/discussion point/idea/topic for those suffering sexual problems in marraige.


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## heartsdelight (Apr 2, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Can I ask why?
> 
> And you say you are "working on it" but you also said he told you from the beginning so if you knew this from the beginning, why did you marry himn if it bothers you? Or does it not bother you? Then what is there to "work on?"


I don't mind answering any questions, but don't wish to hijack this thread too much. However I figured adding another perspective from the other side might help...

I'm not sure what the why is referring to in my post. I'm assuming his sexual aversion. If that's the case...we don't know why. We suspect CSA but there is nothing in his family history to suggest such abuse. I've met all his family, been to the tiny town he grew up in where everyone knows everyone. Not that normal seeming people don't abuse children and small towns don't have pedophiles, just that he doesn't meet any risk factors for that and doesn't remember any abuse (nor feels like he is "missing" some memories or anything suggesting repression). 

He is in therapy working on some issues including his sexual aversion, but he also has depression that has gotten a lot worse recently that is a much bigger priority to me than having sex. But one of the goals of therapy is to work towards more sexual intimacy between me and him. I don't expect this to be fixed tomorrow or even in a few months but I think I could comfortably wait a few years and not blink. As I said, I'm fairly LD.

I did not know that he had a sexual aversion, nor did he. However he was honest about his asexuality and we were unsure whether or not he could even sustain an erection/orgasm from sexual contact (not to throw a bombshell into this but he does masturbate, however he has an object fetish and has never been attracted sexually to a human, so he has a sex drive but we still lump him in as an asexual because he isn't attracted to people...he likes to call himself a graysexual, heteromantic). For religious reasons neither of us had had sex and abstained til our wedding, and that night discovered that what he thought was disinterest was in fact a phobia (not a pretty sight, he had a full blown panic attack). He is very affectionate in other ways, like I said, and loves cuddling, light kisses, holding hands, and being physically close in general. He struggles with being unable to have sex right now and is dedicated to working on it. We just started with a more specialized psychologist (he'd been seeing grad students at the university health care center) and I'm hoping things will work out.

Even if they don't, I imagine I'll stay. He is my best friend and best support. It could be me and him and no one else on this earth and I'd be happy (although occasionally I would long for a few more to play 5ive straight with). 

I hope that answers your question, if not, please clarify what you wanted to know lol.

I plan on writing a more comprehensive post at some point, but I put it off until I gained access to the private members forum and then I didn't really care as much because I figure people will just say 'get divorced!'. I'm happy in my marriage but don't think many people would be in a similar situation or would even believe that I am. :shrug:


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

marriedwithkids1 said:


> I think people (myself included) should read the Original posts and the corresponding responses before replying lest they be totally irrelavant.
> 
> MISSYMRS, perhaps you have not read her recent responses. I mean why would emerald want to change. I mean she likes and enjoys sex and this seems fine with her hubby. She has learned how to give a good BJ and gives her H sex when he wants it. From what i am reading her H has it better than most. Unless she is exaggerating that is LOL. Like other sexual orientations this one problably has degrees of severeness. I personally love sex and have great orgasms...that said i am dont' have a high "drive" like my husband.
> 
> I think this would be a great concept to bring to the mainstream. How many marriages have failed, or have created strains because of this imbalance.


I don't see where she answered the question I asked. I have read several times but I don't see anything that answers my question. If you do please point in the right direction bc I really want to know.

I never said she should want to change anything. I am curious about it.


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

Emerald....they say this has nothing to do with hormones or the endocrine system? Are there differences in hormones in asexual people?


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

If someone is asexual, it means they are not sexually attracted to *anyone*-male or female. 

Since asexuality is extremely rare, there are many misconceptions about it.


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## 7737 (Feb 10, 2011)

Emerald, firstly I really admire you for realising and accepting (again!) you have a 'condition' and have tried to find out why etc so that you can enjoy sex more. I also admire you for accepring how important sex is to your husband and as such make the effort. 
All credit to you!....again!
:smthumbup:#

A poster has said that a woman can be asexual with one partner but be 'normal' with another. I disagree, partially. For some maybe, but then I wouldnt call her/him 'asexual'...maybe 'selectively asexual' would be more accurate!
My wife is asexual....she has no interest in sex with me or indeed anyone else. 

We've been married nearly 20 years....I have flirted innocently with female 'family' friends (as I think most people have)...I have seen their husbands flirt with my wife too but it goes 6ft over...she doesnt even realise it....why? Because it doesnt feature in her 'design'.

We are all programmed to reproduce ourselves to maintain the species... To that end both sexual and asexual people are the same. Except once asexual people have reproduced the 'sex' program on their hard drive auto deletes.

Ask an asexual wife if she thinks sex once a month with her husband is 'normal' or if she is aware her husband would like it more often the response (other than from Emerald!) will be 'Huh?'.

I am 'asoccer'....I have absolutely NO interest in it whatsoever...I know a bit about it, I can kick a ball around, I could probably play (badly) in a team...If someone gets all excited about X winning the tournament I'm like 'what tournament?'...I am otherwise a 'normal guy.

Same for asexuals... they are 'normal' just have no interest in sex...but they know it exists.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

It is impossible to be asexual with only one partner. When someone is interested in sex, they are not asexual. 

I was with an ugly and controlling man for two years, while I had very low self esteem at the beginning of my twenties. He called me a cold fish, but I was very passionate with men that I found sexy and men who did not try to mold me like I was their child.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

I am interested in this topic because W is functionally asexual.

she's terrified of sex, but i cant get to the bottom of it. 
she wont talk about it. i dont think she was born asexual.
but lots of sexual abuse history and 16 years with a brute who beat her up all the time and beat her up on their wedding night.

the last time i insisted on discussing with her she cried and said
"what if something really bad happend to you sexually? OMG, i cant believe i said that, im so embarrassed!"

we are separated now, but im still very interested in what she really is.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Jorgegene, As someone with sexual abuse history, I know that those issues can make a woman be scared of sex or dread it. Sexual abuse can also cause the other end of the the spectrum which is promiscuity.

Sexual abuse leaves indeliable marks on a woman's psyche. Even though I have had three rounds of therapy, I become excessivley ashamed when I have to have routine health exams (Paps) because the vulnerability and lack of control scares me. It is one of the reasons I cannot imagine becoming a mom; the pregnancy exams and giving birth would just be too triggering. 

I also have an aversion to a certain sexual act. Your wife was likely experiencing the shame of feeling like "damaged goods". She also had SEVERE trust issues. I am so sorry that she did not seek help for this while she was married to you.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

missymrs80 said:


> Emerald....they say this has nothing to do with hormones or the endocrine system? Are there differences in hormones in asexual people?


TBH missy - I don't know.

Everything medically is in the normal range for me (thankfully).

Heartsdelight has added some good information to this thread - thank you for that.

The most important thing here is open, honest communication about a difficult topic.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

FirstYearDown said:


> If someone is asexual, it means they are not sexually attracted to *anyone*-male or female.
> 
> Since asexuality is extremely rare, there are many misconceptions about it.


I'm glad you pointed it out that it is VERY rare.

*Hears husbands' collective sighs of relief*


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

The O.P. is right about Asexuality being a sexual orientation. People misunderstand the term and often use it incorrectly when talking about sexless marriages..ie: "my hubby and I had great sex until.....now we don't have sex and he is Asexual" This is an absurd statement. People are born with their sexual orientation, like being Gay, Trans, Bi-sexual or Asexual. Asexual people can have sex but the don't enjoy it and often stop trying once a relationship solidifies. They like being in a relationship they just don't like the sexual part.

If the partner did like sex at one time then they are not Asexual.


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