# Just Friends - No Benefits



## Haram (Jan 28, 2013)

Stumbled upon this forum and thought maybe I receive some inputs. 
There is this guy I have grown very close to as friends over the last 6 years. He is married and has children. I have never considered him as a potential mate, even if he was single, as I don't feel physically attracted to him. Nevertheless, he developed a very strong infatuation with me and actively pursued a relationship. I have made clear to him countless times that I do not feel for him that way, but just love him as a friend and am thankful for the numerous occasions he had been there for me. I always encourage him to work on his marriage as he and his wife have been drifting apart- his crush on me I guess contributing to it. Lately he told me he does not want sex with her because all in his mind there is the image of me. We had this discussion a hundred times, and each time I break it down to him again, reminding him I do not feel this way but he gets upset and withdraws. Then we talk again, and after a while the sex theme comes again, in a way or another. It really bugs me and I don't know how to make him see all I want is his friendship and it will never change. I have never led him on and gave him false hopes but he just can't get it. Him not being intimate with his wife nd dreaming to have more with me, donno what else to do, since all talking is for nothing. I don't even consider giving him up as a friend, as we know eachother long time and he's such a good person. I just want him to accept us as friends, with no benefits. Btw, I am not married. I recently started a relationship.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Haram said:


> Nevertheless, he developed a very strong infatuation with me
> 
> ... he and his wife have been drifting apart- his crush on me I guess contributing to it.
> 
> ...


READ. THIS. AGAIN. 

You have had this discussion of let's-just-be-friends with him "a hundred times." Have you started to deduct that this approach is not working?

False hopes? Sorry, but you give him false hopes every single time he gets all sad and mopey and you pull him back in. And you wouldn't consider giving him up as a friend because "he's such a good person."

What makes a man "such a good person" who wants to cheat on his wife with you and keeps bringing it up to the point that it annoys you?

I'm not buying what you are saying here. Not one bit. You want him to accept you as a friend without benefits? Guess what? HE DOES NOT WANT IT THAT WAY.

If you want to straighten him out on this once and for all, tell him unless he cuts out the sex talk and lusting after you, you will tell his wife.

Let me know if that works for ya.


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## happysnappy (Jan 8, 2013)

Cut him loose. He's not interested in being just friends. I had a friend like this and had to cut him out of my life so that he would work on his relationship. If you truly care about him stop all contact


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

The guy obviously has one thing on his mind.Does the guy in your new relationship know about him? If so,what is he saying?


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

Are you friends with his wife too? He's not as good of a person as you think if he's pursuing a relationship with you while married.


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## Leading Man (Dec 11, 2012)

You two are having an emotional affair. This is bad. If you care about him, his wife, their kids, and the future of this family, you need to tell him you wish him well and commit to never contacting this man again. Tell him you will pray for him and hope that he concentrates on his wife and kids unselfishly.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Easily fixed. End your friendship with him and go complete no contact. Problem solved.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I know you love this man dearly as a friend only, but he is just using you for sex. All his actions & words prove it.

It is not a "real" friendship. Let him go.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

That doesn't sound like a friend to me. I don't understand why your hanging onto him?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Haram said:


> all I want is his friendship and it will *never* change.


Cut him loose. 

He has feelings for you that aren't reciprocated and he's MARRIED. He doesn't have the willpower to do the right thing so it's up to you to do it for him.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

So he's your emotional tampon. No wonder he's aching for more.

Set him free. As others said, every time you talk to him, he gets more invested in your "relationship." Every time he listens to you, does something for you, etc, he's showing you an act of love. By accepting it, you absolutely ARE in an emotional affair, despite denying him sex. 

And especially when you know that YOU are the person preventing him from getting his marriage on track, I don't know how you can sleep at night.


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## johonmirae (Jan 27, 2013)

I had a friend like this and had to cut him out of my life so that he would work on his relationship.


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## Jax67 (Jan 17, 2013)

I would like to think that you are an intelligent woman. You know what this guy is playing out. 
My husband also told me that we had been drifting apart when questioned over his affair (not that I am saying you are), it wasn’t a case of “we” it was a case of “he”! He met someone like you that took the bait and drifted with an hour or two. They lie and feed you bull**** stories a bit like they do us (their wives). If I am honest I wouldn’t want a woman just loving my husband as a friend either.

I am in excruciating pain right now because of stuff like this – As much as I wanted children, I thank god that I don’t have them right now, because I don’t know how in god’s name that the women and men on this forum even cope day to day, it’s bad enough getting myself out of my bed. There’s no such thing as being just friends with a married man.

Leave him and concentrate on your new relationship and let him get back to his wife and family before she finds out and joins this hell hole.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

The truth is that you cannot be "Just friends" with the other sex if the conversation comes with sexual innuendos even after you have thwarted the advances. He is interested in you in a sexual way...time to end the "friendship".

By the way..."A good person" does not talk sexually with other women when they are married.


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

He most likely just wants to get in your pants. He is feeding you a line and is still having sex with his unsuspecting wife. Kind of flattering to you for being upstanding and not giving in to him yet getting this attention from him? Stop this right now.

Whatever his motives; this is an inappropriate "friendship." It isn't fair to his wife and family. You can find other friends who are not already married yet still having sexual talk with you. He has no business doing this anyway. Don't you feel sorry for his wife?

You said you are with someone right now, so cut this guy out of your life.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Nothing good will come of this for his marriage or for your new relationship. This "friendship" needs to end but I suspect you already knew that. Do the right thing for the both of you.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

The Middleman said:


> Easily fixed. End your friendship with him and go complete no contact. Problem solved.


Yes.

Right now like it or not YOU are the OW in an affair. You can say it is one way but indeed you are meeting each others needs and it IS by definition of an affair no matter that you feel it is just friends.

Keep in mind those in an EA ar certain they are just friends t least at the beginning.

So you need to drop this guy as a friend or you are no friend. IF it is very hard for you to do so then you have binded too closely and are part of the EA.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

He is NOT a friend

He simply wants to get in your pants

Lose him PRONTO!


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> Yes.
> 
> Right now like it or not YOU are the OW in an affair. You can say it is one way but indeed you are meeting each others needs and it IS by definition of an affair no matter that you feel it is just friends.
> 
> ...


Or you could say that she is in a one sided EA in which the guy is trying to move it to a PA without her agreeing to it.

In any case, Haram, as a woman, I need to tell you as I have been in similar situations, (SOME) men cannot be just friends with women. 

Accept it and move on.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

This doesn't sound like a very good friend. 
He is not just a 'guy friend.' He is a guy friend who fantasizes about you and repeatedly violates your boundaries and muddies the water of 'friendship' by bringing up sex, even when you've made it clear to him that you don't want that, you want friendship. A friend does not constantly ignore your boundaries like that. It's difficult for me to see what you get from this friendship, other than ego stroking, free 'therapy', a sense of being in control, voyeurism into his marriage, and who knows what else. But they aren't the things typically found in a real friendship. Like, can you get together and go to the movies, or is this a friendship of convenience, say at work or on the commuter train or some other place where the two of you are usually together? It sounds more creepy and stalkerish, a little bit on both sides to be honest, than like a friendship. Like some kind of bad habit kept up for reasons that you've lost track of, labeled as a 'friendship' at some point, and now impossible to let go because of that designation (that might very well be in error if you re-assessed things as though it were a new connection, not a stale 6-year one.)


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

*Haram:*

There are people in this world that are pathologically attracted/obsessed with that which they cannot have. 

At first, for the recipient of this attention, it can be an ego boost or provide a feeling of validation and the recipient might even feel “hey maybe . . . .” Ultimately, the recipient must remember the whole thing is based on a pathology/obsession and even if he or she did go down that road, a new attraction/obsession would come along.

I’d ice this gentleman down now, lest you be awoken at 2:00 am some day with him at your doorstep a suitcase and two tickets to Las Vegas. 

When you get the pushback just tell him you could not live with yourself if you were to be the cause of his marriage’s demise. If he has children, I would also appeal to that sensibility as well.


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## Haram (Jan 28, 2013)

Well, I wish it was as simple as you guys say. Total NC is impossible, since we're neighbors and he's best buds with my brother. He is like part of the family.
Secondly, turning my back on him completely, or worse, telling his wife...that I can't do. He gave me a lot of moral support when coping with a previous abusive relationship, helped me find a good job, and basically has been here for me when I had no one to understand me. Leaving this sex BS aside, he's been a good friend. I can't throw all that in the garbage. 
Yes I / my family are in neighborly- friendly terms with his wife.
I repeat, I have zero physical attraction for him, but love him as a friend. There's no EA from my side. As for him, he has a problem and I don't know how to help him overcome it. I did tell him that until he doesn't cut the crap and act like a friend which is what I need only, he better not speak to me. This situation lasted for a long time, I tried to close my eyes but it really bugs me...I guess men and women really can't be just friends after all...which is sad.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Haram said:


> Well, I wish it was as simple as you guys say. Total NC is impossible, since we're neighbors and he's best buds with my brother. He is like part of the family.
> Secondly, turning my back on him completely, or worse, telling his wife...that I can't do. He gave me a lot of moral support when coping with a previous abusive relationship, helped me find a good job, and basically has been here for me when I had no one to understand me. Leaving this sex BS aside, he's been a good friend. I can't throw all that in the garbage.
> Yes I / my family are in neighborly- friendly terms with his wife.
> I repeat, I have zero physical attraction for him, but love him as a friend. There's no EA from my side. As for him, he has a problem and I don't know how to help him overcome it. I did tell him that until he doesn't cut the crap and act like a friend which is what I need only, he better not speak to me. This situation lasted for a long time, I tried to close my eyes but it really bugs me...I guess men and women really can't be just friends after all...which is sad.


Sounds to me like you're waiting for him to corner you somewhere and lay one on you before you truly cut him off. It's wrong to sit idly by and help him to dismantle his marriage, and even if you think you're innocent in this you are surely not HELPING it. You should be a friend to him AND his wife. That's the RIGHT thing to do.

When you put these types of questions out to the world to get a 'feel' or validation about what you're doing, 9 times out of 10 you already KNOW it's not right and just want someone out there to convince you otherwise.


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## youkiddingme (Jul 30, 2012)

He has been a good friend to you. It is time for YOU to be a good friend to him. YOU ARE CONTRIBUTING TO THE DESTRUCTION OF HIS MARRIAGE. 

Good friends don't do that. He cannot have a strong marriage, a healthy marriage, a healed marriage as long as he is fantasizing about YOU. 

Cut him off. Or quit calling yourself a good friend. You care more about your friendship with him than you do about his marriage. Good friends do not destroy each others marriages. And YOU are doing that to his because you are trying to hand onto something that he can't handle.

You care more about you than you do his marriage.

That's the cold hard facts. Admit it or change it. If you are not going to change it, quit calling yourself a good friend.


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## Haram (Jan 28, 2013)

youkiddingme said:


> He has been a good friend to you. It is time for YOU to be a good friend to him. YOU ARE CONTRIBUTING TO THE DESTRUCTION OF HIS MARRIAGE.
> 
> Good friends don't do that. He cannot have a strong marriage, a healthy marriage, a healed marriage as long as he is fantasizing about YOU.
> 
> ...


You may be right. Him obsessing about me surely doesn't help his marriage. But on the other hand, I know he's been straying from his wife occassionally and complained about it being "on the rocks" months before him and I became close- he has been friends with my bro long before becoming friends with me. So, I wonder if me cutting him off is really solving his marital problems. However I'll keep distance at least until he cools off. 
P.S. What I need is suggestions not accusations. Anyone had a friend of an opposite sex and dealt with something similar? If so, how?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Haram said:


> You may be right. Him obsessing about me surely doesn't help his marriage. But on the other hand, I know he's been straying from his wife occassionally and complained about it being "on the rocks" months before him and I became close- he has been friends with my bro long before becoming friends with me. So, I wonder if me cutting him off is really solving his marital problems. However I'll keep distance at least until he cools off.
> P.S. What I need is suggestions not accusations. Anyone had a friend of an opposite sex and dealt with something similar? If so, how?


You've gotten plenty of suggestions, just not any you want to hear about.

And you aren't the first person who has had a friend cross a line and potentially ruin their relationship. Some of us kept going along with it and the end result was a lot of hurt people when it all could have been prevented. A little selflessness goes a long way here.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

It's pretty clear that the forum has spoken unanimously on this one. 

You're life isn't run by our democracy, but you'd better think really long and hard about why you're the only one who can't seem to see what really has to happen here.


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## Haram (Jan 28, 2013)

Oh, I do see it. Just thought that maybe there was another way. Hoped to hear a succesful story about overcoming this from someone who had a similar experience. Thanks, though.


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## youkiddingme (Jul 30, 2012)

No. What you will hear is that this is how marriages are ruined. I spoke harshly because you just do not seem to get it. You just keep making excuses. Are you just playing a game here? 

You said that his marriage was "on the rocks" months before him and I became close- he has been friends with my bro long before becoming friends with me. So, I wonder if me cutting him off is really solving his marital problems."

Cutting you out won't fix his marriage. But he cannot fix his marriage so long as you are there and he is dreaming of YOU. Wake up. YOU ARE part of his problem.

You are totally missing it! Do you wonder why everyone else can see something that YOU cannot? Maybe YOU are the one with the problem?

What would you want YOUR husband to do if this was turned around???

I think you are getting some sort of high knowing this guy wants you....and that means more to you than being a real friend.


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## Haram (Jan 28, 2013)

Youkiddingme, you don't know me. Just because I seeked to see if there was another way out of this, except ending a beautiful bond, doesn't make me selfish and even less, narcissist! 
I do not get high knowing that he or an other guy wants me. I preffer to be desired by that special one I do fancy than by a dozen of others I feel nothing for. So, your assumption is incorrect.
I do admit a little selfishness, if wishing to somehow keep a long term friendship that meant a lot to me, rather than just do what is right in a cold thinking way. It seems I will have to resort to that last solution, though, as I can't find another. 
It still bugs me that one posts to confide and finds oneself judged in a courtroom. Maybe you are all saint and selfless..if so, I congratulate you.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

Nobody is judging you harshly....we are telling what he wants from you. You have stated that he is a known cheater and his marriage is on the rocks. That is something he should be confiding in your brother or his parents....not you. Like it or not you being in his life is part of the problem in his marriage. Like it or not you cannot just be friends with him....he is PRIMING you for his next affair.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Haram said:


> It still bugs me that one posts to confide and finds oneself judged in a courtroom. Maybe you are all saint and selfless..if so, I congratulate you.


Ah, baloney! I'm not saint. I'm no virgin. And this is not a court judging you. My dear, if you don't like the answers, you should not have come to a MARRIAGE website to ask your questions.

So, I'm gonna give it to you straight: You wanted people to tell you how to be friends with a man who has strong sexual desires for you. You want it both ways. You want to keep him a friend, but you don't want him sniffing around your panties. Right? Well, the bad news is the knife doesn't slice both ways.

For some reason, you think you can "fix" his thinking. From what you've posted, it sounds like he's fooled around on his wife before. And you want a cheater for a friend because???

I don't give a good cahoot how wonderful he has been to you in your darkest hour. C'mon, you are NOT a dumb woman. The man wants to have sex with you. He probably has for a long time.

As I suggested - and I will again - tell him to cut the nonsense with the sex talk, or you will tell his wife. I can pretty much surmise what will happen. He will deny. His wife will vilify you. And you will be the bad guy to all concerned.

Why?

Because your buddy and his wife are in denial. In order to keep that denial working, they will turn on you if you come clean. 

So I'd suggest you just cut off the friendship. Maintain your distance. If he starts up the sex-talk, walk away. YOU CANNOT HAVE A FRIENDSHIP WITH THIS MAN. 

And, at this point, if you still want a friendship with Mr. Wonderful, then you are fostering an EA at the very least.


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## Nunya Biznas (Jan 23, 2013)

No disrespect meant to anyone but I do think that Haram is being judged here. Please, let's not forget that she came here of her own free will. She felt that she was caught in an unhealthy situation and she reached out to those she hoped would understand and be able to offer her some help. I agree that she is less than %100 innocent in this situation but I think that she also is aware of this fact(at least now she is)...so let's please stop trying to force that realization on her. Neither does she need to be told what her situation is. Can we really presume to understand the situation she is living in better than she does? All she wants to know is if she can save her friendship.

Haram, I feel sorry that you have found yourself in this predicament. Although you don't have any romantic feelings for this friend, you obviously care very much for him. And I think that you might have to prepare yourself for the possibility that you will have to end your relationship with him...as much for his own sake as for yours. I understand how you'd want to go down that road only as a last resort and so I have one or two suggestions that might be helpful to you. Please remember that you can't always have the perfect solution.

You seem to be good friends with this man. It shouldn't be difficult for you to become very good friends with his wife as well. If all/most of your contact with the husband happens when the wife is also present it stands to reason that he will stop hitting on you. It might also put things into perspective for him to see that you genuinely care for his wife. You also stated that you recently started a relationship. Try to make that as real to your friend as possible. Call his wife and make plans to go on a double date. Just limit your contact with this man to a more open forum where he can't feel comfortable behaving as he has been doing.

If for whatever reason you can't all get together. Then I suggest that you spell it out more clearly and more harshly than you have done before now. Let him know, in no uncertain terms, that you WILL NOT accept such disrespectful behavior from him anymore. Let him know that you think it is absolutely disgusting that he even considers it a possibility that you would do anything of the sort with him. You - are - not - a - WH0RE!!! If, after that conversation, he persists...then instantly hang up or walk away. At this point the friendship isn't ended...it's just in his hands. You can leave him a message on voicemail or facebook explaining that you would like to remain friends if possible but that was his last chance. If he ever, EVER does it again you see no alternative but you end your relationship with him...oh, and by the way, you will tell his wife as well. Let him know that you aren't trying to be mean, just that you expect better treatment from your friends, and hopefully you can continue being friends.

You know what...? I think maybe a combination of these two suggestions might work best. I really hope that you find some way to work it all out in a manner where you can hold your head up high, proud of how you handled it.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

Haram said:


> Well, I wish it was as simple as you guys say. Total NC is impossible, since we're neighbors and he's best buds with my brother. He is like part of the family.
> Secondly, turning my back on him completely, or worse, telling his wife...that I can't do. He gave me a lot of moral support when coping with a previous abusive relationship, helped me find a good job, and basically has been here for me when I had no one to understand me. Leaving this sex BS aside, he's been a good friend. I can't throw all that in the garbage.
> Yes I / my family are in neighborly- friendly terms with his wife.
> I repeat, I have zero physical attraction for him, but love him as a friend. There's no EA from my side. As for him, he has a problem and I don't know how to help him overcome it. I did tell him that until he doesn't cut the crap and act like a friend which is what I need only, he better not speak to me. This situation lasted for a long time, I tried to close my eyes but it really bugs me...I guess men and women really can't be just friends after all...which is sad.


Harem,

Rest assured men and women can be "Just Friends".

Despite being married I still have single femail friends and my wife has single male friends the differance is we do not have / allow even talk of sexual fanticies about each other. 
If you are mature enough to know the differance between Sex (something I have only shared with my wife) and Friendship (a blessing to be shared with many) then you can share friendships with the other gender but only if they show the same level of maturity.

This "Friend" of yours has shown that he does not have the required level of maturity to be "Just Friends" so unless you are willing to be a contribtary factor in the break up of his relationship you must "back off" and make sure he does the same.
If he is best mates with your brother / a close family friend then why not explain the situation to your brother / a male relative and get them to "read the riot act" if needed.


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