# Question Regarding Husband and Female Coworker Boundaries



## lisafrank (Feb 13, 2017)

Hi everyone,

*Here's the backstory:*

Husband has been working out of town 2-3 days a week for the past year. He has traveled a lot for work as well. He is in an executive position at his work and is expected to put in long hours.

I recently found out that he works until 3 am in the morning while he's out of town. I found out that he will text (both on his phone and work chat client) his other coworkers late at night, mostly regarding work related projects (many of his coworkers work into the wee hours). 

One coworker is a female colleague who my husband has had to work with on a few big projects over the past year. I'll refer to her as Karen for the sake of clarity. Karen is married as well. I had a bad gut feeling about Karen after his corporate business party in December because she seemed uncomfortable talking to me. My husband speaks very highly of Karen and has never given me reason to doubt their professional relationship. I need to mention that I recently found a separate inappropriate facebook message thread/texts between my husband and another random women that he met while traveling, which caused me to begin auditing his social media, texts, emails etc. These other texts were mostly just the two of them telling each other how glad they met and how amazing their conversation upon meeting was. My husband has had past issues keeping boundaries with other women on social media before, so he has agreed to let me have access to all his social media, texts, and email.

I then dug deeper. I checked husband's work chat client and found numerous late night (after midnight) chat messages between him and Karen. Most were work related, but every now and then, one of them would praise the others work. Through this work chat client, Karen sent my husband a message around 7PM one night stating that she was thankful for my husband. He reciprocated. Nothing else was found through the work chat client.

After reviewing text threads between my husband and Karen, I found a pic of her and another coworker sitting at a table eating lunch which she had shared with my husband and the other coworker in the pic. I asked my husband about it and he said it was related to a project task they completed. I mentioned that I found it unprofessional for a female coworker to send non-work related pics to her male coworker of herself as confirmation of work done. 

My husband and I have agreed that we both have to bring forward any items that may be considered inappropriate for transparency sake due to the initial breach of trust relating to the recent facebook incident. My husband then sent me another pic from a work social event (where they had been drinking) from a few months ago. This pic was a selfie shot of him and Karen sitting close and smiling at the camera. She had taken this pic and texted it to him after the event. I reviewed the text thread where the pic was and found that he had texted her an inspirational quote at 2:30 AM right before she sent the selfie pic a few minutes later. He said he sent the quote as encouragement since they were in the midst of a very stressful project. A few weeks later, she sent him a screen shot of a poem for him to take as inspiration. Apart from these few non-work related texts, I can't find any other evidence/convos between them.

I asked him why he was texting her so late and he said he didn't think anything of it because they always worked late and sent messages to each other via their work chat client/texts. He has stated that he's always kept thing professional between them. They have phone conversations on the weekends and in the evenings (some are over an hour in duration) and husband has maintained that these convos are always work related. These phone convos are partly due to my Husband working remotely since the main office is in another city. She has also offered to let my husband stay at her house while he's in town. He says he's never done this. He said she mentioned that her husband sometimes works nights, which to me seems really inappropriate.

Current situation:

Husband has to keep working with this women for a few months (contractual obligation) and can't go no contact. He still has to work 1 day in the office (no overnights) and I am worried that he and her will continue this behavior. I don't know if it's a full EA/PA or what because I can't find any other evidence of impropriety in the media I have access to. At the very least, I believe my husband has developed a bond with this woman which hurts me because he claims that he keeps things professional with his coworkers. It scares me that he didn't see this was inappropriate when he sent the late night text.

We are also in marriage counseling for the boundary issues my husband has with providing other women emotional support. Husband also was involved in a EA with another woman a few years ago. He maintains that she was the one looking for emotional support for her troubled marriage and that he only wanted to help. 

I would appreciate any recommendations on my situation. Thanks!


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## Seppuku (Sep 22, 2010)

It doesn't sound like he's having a physical affair, and honestly it seems like he is resistant to even an emotional affair, which is a good sign. She might be the one pushing for more interaction and in the interest of keeping things professional he responds but doesn't encourage it and is consciously resisting.

As long as you keep things transparent between the two of you then I wouldn't worry that much about it. It might help to have him respond with "let's keep things professional" the next time she sends something that might be considered inappropriate.

That's my take.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*No discernible evidence of a PA yet ~ but he certainly seems to have no real problem in breaching the EA boundaries!

Other than telephone, exactly what compelling reason is there that requires him to have to use social media? Is it company mandated? I don't really think so!

If the both of you want to have exacting trust in being away from each other, then you both need clear access to each other's social media sites and pass codes! If not, he should resign himself from that job and look for one locally that does not require travel!

These distant EA's of his is only a morality indictment that, IMHO, is going to merit further investigation on your part! Not necessarily saying that it's there, but don't be fooled by the "iceberg syndrome!" Make absolutely no mistake about it: If he going to cheat on you, either emotionally or physically, then he's going to cheat!

After all, he can lie to you, he can lie to an IC or a MC, but he simply cannot lie to himself, greatly provided that he has any form of a conscience! *


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I am a great believer in sensible clear boundaries with the opposite sex. He has breached these in the past so he should be being ultra careful now which he doesn't seem to be. 
Her telling him he can come and stay the night, especially if her husband works nights, is a clear sign she isn't keeping boundaries herself. OK he hasn't done that, but he is really pushing those boundaries. 
I would suggest he looks for work where he doesn't have to be away from home. Traveling away together and working long hours together into the night are dangerous areas.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Your husband obviously has boundary issues when it comes to the opposite sex and while I don't think it has gotten physical you should firmly put an end to it.I was in your husbands shoes when my partner called me out on what she seen as flirtatious behaviour with other women,but she was always there when it happened and I honestly didn't realise I was doing it.
You need to contact Karen and put her very firmly in her place in regards to what is inappropriate behaviour and messages regarding your husband,suggesting you contact her husband if it continues should do the trick.If it causes embarrassment to your husband then tough,he should be bending over backwards to keep you happy after his previous escapades.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Good thing the OP's husband doesn't work in my team... plenty of interns all discussing their relationships with the senior staff, lots of team building activities, etc. 

The guy will either cheat or not cheat. If he's happy and content at home he likely won't. If he's like the usual TAM problem guy, well... 

You can't live your life in fear, and you can't expect him to be wearing a cop camera 24/7. The same applies if genders were reversed.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Karen wants your man.

She wants him to mentor her.
She wants him to advance her ideas
She wants him to advance her career.
She wants him to advance her social standing, even if it means she will [occasionally be] not standing, she will be prone, flat on her back...legs in the air.

She wants him to give her "real world" penetrating advice. She is a digger, an opportunist. Her wisdom teeth are Gold. Oh, she is good at her job. She works hard and is very useful to the company and to your husband. He is riding this thing out. He knows her intentions. He is no fool. He has clean hands. They do not smell of sweet fish.

She is the aggressor. She has no qualms about stealing Intellectual Property from the company.
That "property" belongs mostly to you and some to your husbands company. 

She is a Trojan Horse Virus to your marriage. By subterfuge, she has gotten inside the walls. Inside the walls and is trying to get inside your husbands head.
And she is attacking your husband's Janus fragility. All men have a Janus fragility.

Janus was a Roman God with two faces....I prefer to view then as having two heads melded at the back.

Men too, have two heads. It is the little one, the pesky devil that leads the big head into destruction.

There is no cure for this. There is only Hope....and not the kind one who lives in Canada.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

And my stick hath another evil eye...poke-eth.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

It sounds like your gut is right about Karen. She is trying to get your H in some way. It is also clear that your H is keeping his distance as best as possible seeing that they work so close together. If the business side suffers do the your husband calling her out it will fall back on he and hurt his career. 

Trust but verify like you have. And next time you and H have a romantic dinner be sure to make a selfie and post it with a phrase indicating your intentions for later that night.>


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