# My Wife Wont Have Sex With Me



## SeekingHelp3345 (Jul 11, 2017)

My wife and I have been married for almost 5 years now and together for 6. We have both wanted children, especially her, since we have been together. However my wife will not have sex with me more than once a week, typically less often. I love my wife and I have tried a multitude of approaches but none seem to work. When I try to talk to her about anything related to our sex life she gets angry and says she hates to talk about that stuff. She sure seems to have fun when we do it and always says "I don't know why we don't do this more often", but nothing changes. I want children and I want to have sex with my wife more often. If I touch her anywhere near her privates or chest, ever, she also gets upset, even if we are laying in bed together with the intention of having sex. I end up having to make deals with her for sex, such as taking her somewhere or buying her something, both of which I do everyday we both have off together anyways. It breaks my heart to think that she may not want to be with me. The fact that she will not speak with me about it both infuriates me and breaks my heart. I want my wife to want me to touch her, I want it to make her excited when I touch her like it does to me but I don't think I can from what I have seen. She loves me, a lot, and I love her too.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Don't have children with her until you get the sex problem ironed out. Is this the way you want to spend at least the next 20 years of your life? Typically, after children arrive, the sex life takes a nose-dive for a while. That means you'll be down to what? Nothing.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

get out now... she won't change! this is who she is! shes showing you who she is listen to her! 

don't have children with her you have been warned!


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Love is not enough by itself. This situation will only get worse - possibly much worse - once you have a child. And this kind of problem almost never gets resolved to the higher drive person's satisfaction. I suggest you get out ASAP, and find someone who is a better match for the long term.


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

Sorry to hear about your situation.

Sex should not be used like currency in a happy marriage between two people who love each other.

Like others have said, her actions indicate that she wants sex as much as you are getting. No matter what she says with words, her actions are telling you the truth.

Good luck.


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## twoofus (Jun 16, 2017)

SeekingHelp3345 said:


> My wife and I have been married for almost 5 years now and together for 6. We have both wanted children, especially her, since we have been together. However my wife will not have sex with me more than once a week, typically less often. I love my wife and I have tried a multitude of approaches but none seem to work. When I try to talk to her about anything related to our sex life she gets angry and says she hates to talk about that stuff. She sure seems to have fun when we do it and always says "I don't know why we don't do this more often", but nothing changes. I want children and I want to have sex with my wife more often. If I touch her anywhere near her privates or chest, ever, she also gets upset, even if we are laying in bed together with the intention of having sex*. I end up having to make deals with her for sex, such as taking her somewhere or buying her something,* both of which I do everyday we both have off together anyways. It breaks my heart to think that she may not want to be with me. The fact that she will not speak with me about it both infuriates me and breaks my heart. I want my wife to want me to touch her, I want it to make her excited when I touch her like it does to me but I don't think I can from what I have seen. She loves me, a lot, and I love her too.


It appears she is trading sex for favours.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

SeekingHelp3345 said:


> When I try to talk to her about anything related to our sex life she gets angry and says she hates to talk about that stuff.


Even when I had struggles in my marriage with issues over the frequency of intimacy, my wife and I rarely had problems trying to talk through things. Perhaps there would be arguments here and there when the topic of sex would come up, but neither of us would run away from these arguments. 

...my point is that the foundation of any relationship is communication. If your wife is refusing to communicate, there is probably very little you can do...

Sometimes people that have had sexual abuse or have been in problematic relationships where a partner was extremely pushy about sex in an abusive way could trigger someone to shut down and refuse to communicate as a means of self preservation. If your wife is completely closed to talking about any of her sexual experiences prior to meeting you, and that topic seems ambiguous to you, you two should probably try to go see a therapist to try and understand what is making it uncomfortable for her to communicate. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

You are in a tough position. You need to make sure she knows that a healthy sex life is a requirement for marriage. If she is not willing, you need to leave.

The problem many people run into is that their spouse changes for a while to make you happy. But eventually, the marriage becomes sexless again. If that is much later and you have children, it makes it that much harder to end the marriage. That is why many suggest for you to just leave now.


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## Ghost Rider (Mar 6, 2017)

Is she willing to see a therapist? She may have been sexually abused in her childhood. Anyway, you need to have sex far more often in order to have a halfway decent chance of conception. At least once a day during her most fertile period.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

The good news is that you don't have children with her.

Run!


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

tech-novelist said:


> The good news is that you don't have children with her.
> 
> Run!


and you found talkaboutmarriage to let you know if you don't run now you will be back 20yrs from now kicking yourself!


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

I don't know your wife, but based on what you wrote, I'd guess she came from a conservative background. It's possible that she desires sex with you, but feels "dirty" after doing it, or that partaking in it too much is some kind of sin. She's torn between your desires and those of her parents. I mostly glean this from that fact that she's so uncomfortable talking about it. But make no mistake, meeting your desires should be her top priority. 

People are correct that things will only get worse after children and as you age. In fact, you might notice a spike in her interest while you are actively trying to conceive, followed by a complete drop-off in any sexual interest once she's pregnant, and once the baby is born. So if you see a big sudden uptick in her interest, I would say don't be fooled, or make the mistake of thinking that it's the new status quo. 

Your story reminds me of this eloquent, heartbreaking account I read on reddit last year: https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/comments/3ufrbg/what_it_felt_like/

It was written by a woman. Maybe it would resonate with your wife.


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## 23cm (Dec 3, 2016)

Don't have kids with her!!!!

As it is, you are just an "un-intimate" object to her, an ATM, a wallet, a provider of security. While there are many many posts similar to yours here, if you want to hit the mother lode, head on over to a forum with the initials for "I Live In A Sexless Marriage." If misery loves company, you'll be able to partake of a symphony concert there. 

Sorry. Been there. 

Thought I escaped.

But, I was wrong, again.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

You may think you want children with her, but you won't feel that way when you concede to being nothing more than a sperm donor because she doesn't want regular sex. No man I've ever known has been eager to fill that role.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

SeekingHelp3345 said:


> I want children and I want to have sex with my wife more often.


You do realize that the former usually prevents the latter?
If you're not getting the frequency you desire now, you can fully expect to get far less or even none once she's got a little one. 

If you think it's bad living with someone you're not bonding with, try raising a child with someone you're constantly building up additional resentment with.

This can only get worse for you.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Hold's 2 rules for sexual mismatch:
1. Do not marry someone until you resolve the mismatch. It isn't fair to either of you.
2. Do not have kids with someone before you resolve the mismatch. It isn't fair to the kids.

You violated #1. Don't violate #2. The consequences are worse and you can't ever entirely disentangle yourself from the person you will come to hate.

Better to adopt of you want kids than to be a sexual person who has kids with someone who isn't attracted to you sexually. You can adopt kids and find someone who loves you and loves them. If you have kids with someone who you desire but who won't have sex with you, you will learn to hate your kids' other parent. That is a lousy way to raise kids.

You may think you will never learn to hate your kids' mother. Maybe not. But if you stay married to someone who won't have sex with you, I can guarantee that you will eventually learn to hate yourself. Ask me how I know.


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## Popcorn2015 (Sep 10, 2015)

Ghost Rider said:


> Is she willing to see a therapist? She may have been sexually abused in her childhood.


Why do some people immediately go to the least likely explanation? How about we start with the most likely one instead: She isn't that attracted to OP. Possibly she never was, but had to settle for him.

OP, how old is she? How old are you? Any previous marriages or children for either of you?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Get out now while you can. This will be the highlight for the rest of your pathetic marriage.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

How old are you guys? Did she have any sort of sexual abuse when younger? Was she raised in some deeply religious cult-like situation? Is she on any prescription medications? 

Sadly once a month is probably the norm nowadays. But i hear you, you probably are hoping for 3x a week or more. 

You have to decide if this marriage is the right one for you. You DO realize the frequency of sex will only decrease as you both age.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

I think your first step is to stop requesting sex, indeed any physical contact, and see how she responds. Stop taking her some of the places she wants and the first few times she mentions it, say nothing is bothering me. Wait about several weeks, probably a month, and she will want to have the talk to address things she finds important and then you can have a wide-ranging discussion about your relationship. I think she may like you but just not particularly like sex. With kids, the once a week scenario is not unusual. But you should talk about it and the way to do so is to have her want to address other issues in the relationship and be mystified about why you no longer want to have sex with her.


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## Ghost Rider (Mar 6, 2017)

Popcorn2015 said:


> Why do some people immediately go to the least likely explanation? How about we start with the most likely one instead: She isn't that attracted to OP. Possibly she never was, but had to settle for him.
> 
> OP, how old is she? How old are you? Any previous marriages or children for either of you?


If that's the most likely, then why would she have married him in the first place?


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## Spitfire (Jun 6, 2015)

I've been through the same thing for 25 years now. My wife said the same thing a few months ago. "This is great! We should do this more often!" It's just words that mean nothing. Don't fall for a month or even 6 months of more frequent sex. I guarantee she'll go back to her old ways and the resentment will build. Kids just add a whole new dynamic to the problem. Don't have kids with her. I'm of the opinion that people like this don't change. They're wired differently. Maybe it's a control thing. Either way it's best to get out now.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Bobby5000 said:


> I think your first step is to stop requesting sex, indeed any physical contact, and see how she responds. Stop taking her some of the places she wants and the first few times she mentions it, say nothing is bothering me. Wait about several weeks, probably a month, and she will want to have the talk to address things she finds important and then you can have a wide-ranging discussion about your relationship. I think she may like you but just not particularly like sex. With kids, the once a week scenario is not unusual. But you should talk about it and the way to do so is to have her want to address other issues in the relationship and be mystified about why you no longer want to have sex with her.


This seems rather passive aggressive... and unlikely to yield positive results.

If she's not into sex with him, she might not even notice that he's not bothering her for sex. If she does notice, most likely she'll be relieved that he's not bothering her for sex. She may even take great satisfaction in having finally gotten through to him. She'll be happy as a clam and rather than recognizing that something is wrong, she'll think everything is finally alright.

And yes, the once a week pace is common with kids, but they don't have kids. If it's once a week now, imagine what it will be like when they do have kids.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

SeekingHelp3345 said:


> My wife and I have been married for almost 5 years now and together for 6. We have both wanted children, especially her, since we have been together. However my wife will not have sex with me more than once a week, typically less often. I love my wife and I have tried a multitude of approaches but none seem to work. When I try to talk to her about anything related to our sex life she gets angry and says she hates to talk about that stuff. She sure seems to have fun when we do it and always says "I don't know why we don't do this more often", but nothing changes. I want children and I want to have sex with my wife more often. If I touch her anywhere near her privates or chest, ever, she also gets upset, even if we are laying in bed together with the intention of having sex. I end up having to make deals with her for sex, such as taking her somewhere or buying her something, both of which I do everyday we both have off together anyways. It breaks my heart to think that she may not want to be with me. The fact that she will not speak with me about it both infuriates me and breaks my heart. I want my wife to want me to touch her, I want it to make her excited when I touch her like it does to me but I don't think I can from what I have seen. She loves me, a lot, and I love her too.


I wish you would come back and respond to the people who have replied to your post. This post does not give enough information.

You say your wife doesn't want you to touch her breasts or genitals, ever. Does this include during sex? How does your wife become aroused if she isn't touched into becoming aroused? How do you normally arouse her to begin sex? Do you two simply agree and then she spreads her legs to accommodate? 

You say your wife "sure seems to have fun when we do it" but can you tell the difference between her being accommodating and her having an orgasm? How does or what makes your wife orgasm? From clit stimulation or from penetration alone?

Before you do anything else, and before you have sex with her again, you are going to have to be very firm about intimacy. When she refuses to discuss sex with you, she is refusing emotional intimacy. You cannot have a good marriage without BOTH emotional and physical intimacy. With emotional intimacy, you can solve most problems with physical intimacy. Discussions about sex are very hard, especially so if someone have a great deal of inhibition reenforced by sexual shame. Therefore, you first order of problem solving is to create a safe environment in which you both can be emotionally intimate. This doesn't mean that you patiently wait for her to shed her inhibition. It means that you lovingly but firmly tell her there will be no children in a marriage in which sex cannot be discussed.

How to do that?....

"I love you and want to start a family with you, but I'm not comfortable doing that until we are fully open and trusting with each other. I think sex is a vital and important part of marriage. I think in order for us to be on the same page, we need to be able to discuss sex. I know you don't like to do that and I want to understand why you're uncomfortable talking about something so central in a good marriage. We can't be good parents together if we don't have a good marriage together."

"Do you agree that good marriages include a good sex life?" 
..."tell me more about that?"

"I understand you're uncomfortable talking about sex so we can put that aside for now. But I really want to understand why you're uncomfortable talking about sex. Do you feel ashamed or fear being criticized?" (Do not settle for evasive answers. This is where she needs to feel your determination. Yes, this is worth risking her extreme anger. You're not insisting she talk about sex, you're insisting she talk about why she refuses...which is like a back door to talking about sex.)

If you can get through those conversations, and it will take several attempts over several days, you are well on your way to having enough emotional intimacy to start to work on physical intimacy.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

The problem is that if the partner is as sexually averse as described, a conversation like the above will never advance beyond a couple of sentences.

That's what counseling is there for. It may be worthwhile to try to bring up the subject once or twice, then upon stonewalling or histrionics it's time for professional intervention.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

john117 said:


> The problem is that if the partner is as sexually averse as described, a conversation like the above will never advance beyond a couple of sentences.
> 
> That's what counseling is there for. It may be worthwhile to try to bring up the subject once or twice, then upon stonewalling or histrionics it's time for professional intervention.



Absolutely true. But the conversations serve a dual purpose. The second purpose is to communicate HIS boundary, that HER histrionics will not sway him in his quest for emotional intimacy and that HER stonewalling will eventually end this marriage. Before therapy has any chance at all, he needs to communicate that he is not okay with their current relationship.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

If your spouse won't talk to you about sex, go to a sex therapist - not a marriage counsellor. The counsellor will have you talking in circles about the problems in your relationship. The ST will want to talk about sex. If they don't, fire them and find one who will.

If your spouse will not discuss sex (mechanics, sensation, preferred techniques, etc) or keeps saying "I don't know" or "nothing does that much for me so I don't prefer one thing over another" then file for divorce. That is the only way you are going to have a satisfying sex life. Otherwise you are not taking a vow of fidelity, you are taking a vow of chastity.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Holdingontoit said:


> Otherwise you are not taking a vow of fidelity, you are taking a vow of chastity.


Never heard it put like that, but well said. Very descriptive. I will remember that.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Holdingontoit said:


> If your spouse won't talk to you about sex, go to a sex therapist - not a marriage counsellor. The counsellor will have you talking in circles about the problems in your relationship. The ST will want to talk about sex. If they don't, fire them and find one who will.
> 
> If your spouse will not discuss sex (mechanics, sensation, preferred techniques, etc) or keeps saying "*I don't know*" or "*nothing does that much for me so I don't prefer one thing over another*" then file for divorce. That is the only way you are going to have a satisfying sex life. Otherwise you are not taking a vow of fidelity, you are taking a vow of chastity.


I don't mean to be contrary, and I don't disagree with you about your predictions on her likely evasive responses, but I do want to convey that evolution is possible. It's hard and frightening and takes a long time but it's possible.

The responses you quoted above, are what I would have evaded with, had my husband ever asked. I would not have been able to answer. I would not have really known why I was so uncomfortable. I did know that I felt like there was something wrong with me and I was far too ashamed to even admit that much.

But, look at me now! >

My point is, as always, sexual inhibition and shame are learned behaviors that can be unlearned with the right teaching. We don't always want to learn but sometimes we decide to because the alternative is less appealing.

No one pushed me into learning. My husband was wholly silent on the issue of sex...and everything else really. I knew there was something wrong with me and I wanted to be normal, so I learned to be normal.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

The transactional nature of their sex life is what I find totally repugnant. Face it, for not many more dollars he could hire an experienced prostitute and get exactly what he wanted. He doesn't have to tolerate an amateur.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> The transactional nature of their sex life is what I find totally repugnant. Face it, for not many more dollars he could hire an experienced prostitute and get exactly what he wanted. He doesn't have to tolerate an amateur.


Lol, amateur....

I wonder if the transactional nature of their sex life means she sees no intrinsic value in sex or intimacy and therefore it is a traded currency? Or perhaps she is conniving and manipulative and uses sex as a currency?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Lol, amateur....
> 
> I wonder if the transactional nature of their sex life means she sees no intrinsic value in sex or intimacy and therefore it is a traded currency? Or perhaps she is conniving and manipulative and uses sex as a currency?


Could be either. But, since she wants a baby, maybe he should be charging her? Obviously, she doesn't want a baby that badly or she'd be yanking him into the bedroom every chance she got. Or, maybe, she hasn't connected the dots yet. >


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> I don't mean to be contrary, and I don't disagree with you about your predictions on her likely evasive responses, but I do want to convey that evolution is possible. It's hard and frightening and takes a long time but it's possible.


Yes, true. But I would not advise a HD to wait around to see if it happens. Time is finite. Better spent moving on in the face of silence and evasion than hoping it will work out in the end. In the end we are all dead.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

I hope this isn't a drive by posting :/


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## NickTheChemist (Apr 26, 2017)

Anon Pink said:


> When she refuses to discuss sex with you, she is refusing emotional intimacy. You cannot have a good marriage without BOTH emotional and physical intimacy. With emotional intimacy, you can solve most problems with physical intimacy. Discussions about sex are very hard, especially so if someone have a great deal of inhibition reenforced by sexual shame.
> 
> Therefore, you first order of problem solving is to create a safe environment in which you both can be emotionally intimate. This doesn't mean that you patiently wait for her to shed her inhibition. It means that you lovingly but firmly tell her there will be no children in a marriage in which sex cannot be discussed.
> 
> ...


Thank you, Anon. This is very helpful to me. I saved what you wrote and will keep reading and digesting this nugget of wisdom.

OP, I'm in similar situation +3 young kiddos. The TAM community has been very helpful and you will be glad you came here for help. 

Has she lost respect for you? 3 month ago I was blaming my wife for our lack of sex. Truth is that I had changed into a pushover/doormat--always trying to please her and losing my sht if she was upset at all. That approach is not attractive. I had little respect for myself and had, unintentionally, trained her to disrespect and walk on me. Be a man, man. Try to work back towards the masculinity you had that attracted her 6 years ago. Betas don't get laid. 

If you 2 are in love and everything outside of sex is great, stay in there and try a radically different approach like what anon suggests here. And I agree that you should not get preggo until this is fully addressed and change is proven over a year or more.

Much love,
-nick


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

NickTheChemist said:


> If you 2 are in love and everything outside of sex is great, stay in there and try a radically different approach like what anon suggests here. And I agree that you should not get preggo until this is fully addressed and change is proven over a year or more.


I agree that being stronger and more determined to demand a resolution (which might be divorce) is the best way to overcome the sexual mismatch here.

I also think it would be very good to tell her the above "I will not have a child with you until we have had a satisfactory sex life for at least 1 solid year. So if you want kids, you better find a way to fix our sex life." Then use condoms and spermicidal jelly that you bought that are stored outside the house (pins are nasty) every single time you have PIV sex.

That is actually part of being strong and showing your determination. When she sees that you are serious about using condoms and spermicide every time you have PIV sex, she will realize she is dealing with a man who intends to take responsibility, and back up his words with action. That is typically attractive to women. And since many women don't love the feel of condoms, provides another bit of incentive for her to fix the sex problems so she can get those yucky condoms off you.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

A woman that just wants a baby, wants a baby. Problem is when she is not very attracted to her current man... whether physically or because she just KNOWS that this man does not have very good genes (and "good genes" could be a wholly separate, endless topic.... but I mean, specifically for her). Maybe he has some qualities that really aren't all that wonderful. Then there's the mental weighing of "getting the baby she wants" with "I'm not really attracted to him but we've been married so long and/or it'll take too long for me to start all over again." Then there's the resentment of "damnit, why can't my man be more attractive to me... why can't he be what I really want?"
I could go on........

A woman who wants a baby with a *specific man*, will do everything in her power to have sexy time with him, as frequently as possible.

A woman who is attracted to a man, will do everything in her power to have sex with him as frequently as possible.

Any other explanations or reasoning in my mind, is just trying to spread emotional complexity over a very simple, pure, logical explanation.

That's JMO.


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