# Wife away - calling and texting another guy



## James88 (Nov 10, 2010)

My wife of several years recently got a job working as a teacher at a prison. Part of starting her job requires her to take some classes for a few weeks and then travel to another facility to train for 2 weeks (she comes home on the weekend). We always have spent quite a lot of time together, so we got her a separate cell phone before she left so we could talk.

She traveled down with the group from the classes she was taking previously in a state van. She didn't call quite as much as we had talked about because her and her group (3 girls and at least 3 guys) started going out every night to bars/food places and bowling, so far as I know - both involved drinking. I got suspicious one night when she didn't call me at all, and didn't answer when I called her - apparently they all got drunk and she said she left her cellphone in the van. In any case, I checked the phone records today and saw that she had made two calls so far for about an hour to one of the guys in her group around 12-1:00 am. Then, she sent text messages until about 2:00 am. During this time she wouldn't talk to me for more than a few minutes, as she was 'hanging out' with her group, but apparently she was just talking to this guy.

I thought about letting it go on to see if it continued, but I didn't think I could talk to her and not let it show that I was upset, so I confronted her about it. At first she lied and said she lent the phone to someone else, then admitted it after I said I knew whose phone number it was. She said that they were just talking about trivial things, and that she deleted the text's, so she couldn't forward them to me. Deleting the texts seemed suspicious if they were trivial, so she said she knew I would be jealous about it so she deleted them (later she said she deleted them because she knew what she was doing was wrong, but they were still trivial). 

She has always said that married people shouldn't make friends of the opposite sex, but that is what she says they are. That may be so, but it seems to me that things probably always start out that way. She knows that she wouldn't want me doing the same thing if a reversed situation. Since they are already doing group activities all day, why would she want to talk for so long at night as well, with just him?

Maybe I am just being hyper-vigilant about the situation, but it feels so out of character for her to do this kind of thing. She never even mentioned she talked to the guy, she even kind of implied she didn't like him. I asked her if I could come up there and stay with her in a hotel, which is allowed, and, after much reluctance, she agreed. I'm not sure if I even want to go there, if it is the right thing to do, or what it would be like if I did.

Do you think they were just having innocent late night chats? Is there something more to what was going on, or was it maybe just the start of something else? Am I just being too jealous? Any help, advice, or insight would be appreciated.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I think you need to trust your gut. If you feel there's something more to this than what she says, then trust that - especially if you have never had cause to not trust her before this. 

While I don't think having opposite sex friends is a problem by itself, when you combine it with the other things you describe, it does indicate that there is a problem there. Whether she's actually doing something wrong, or there's something going on just between the two of you that doesn't involve cheating or anyone else, I'd heed the feeling you have.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Trust your gut on this one, there is nothing trivial about this. This may have starting off as cheating/one night stand, before you know it she wil be in a full blown affair.

Check out Affaircare there is some great info on how to approach this situation.

This may of started out as innocent stuff, but someone crossed a line and niether one of them stopped it, that is why things were deleted. 

When people do inappropriate things they become deffenceive. It starts by "we're just friends",or "it was nothing" next you will be accused of being cazy, then you will be accused of stalking. Soon you will be told "I love you,but I'm not in love with you" thats when our screwed.
Take action now and repair this before it gets out of hand.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I would go to the hotel, it will be worth the drive, show the "group" what a great husband your wife has. 
She can tell the "group" you have business in the area so you dont look jealous, or find a attraction you can take her to.
At the very least you can show the "group" how serious you are about your marriage.


My thinking is, if your wife just spent the time with you on the phone, instead of behaving so in appropriately you wouldn't have to protect her from the "group"


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## Dowjones (Sep 16, 2010)

Dude, you need to get to the bottom of this, NOW!! She is texting another guy and is lying and evading you, when you ask what's up. If she had nothing to hide, then why the lies and why did she delete the texts? You need to go to the hotel and lay down the law to her.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

James88, if something has happened and is still happening your wife will deceive you and will lie to you. The blame and denial come later.

At this point don’t believe a word your wife says about what’s been going on and what is going on. Don’t call her a liar and don’t even let her know you doubt her word as that will seriously aggravate the situation. Just let her know you accept everything she says and afterwards look for some way of verifying it without her knowing that’s what you are doing.

If your wife is cheating then you are going to have to make one of the biggest decisions and judgements in your life. You cannot make those judgements and decisions on “gut feeling” alone. You need concrete evidence to make those types of life changing decisions. So this is the time to gather concrete evidence to later use to make your decisions and judgements.

In this perhaps the biggest decision in your life you are going to be the defence lawyer, the prosecutor, the witnesses, the jury and the judge. To be that you need concrete evidence.

Bob


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## russ101 (Jan 8, 2010)

At the very least, what she was doing was highly inappropriate for a married women, away from home (she even admits this to you). I would let her know in no uncertain terms that this is not acceptable behavior, and that you will not tolerate it. Then don't say anything more to her about it, but listen to the others here and gather evidence (cell phone records, texts, even hire a PI next time she goes out with "the group" and she what goes on. If you can't afford one, pay one of your friends that she doesn't know to follow her). To me this sounds like the beginnings of an EA, and in my opinion, if it is not stopped immediately, it will turn to a PA very quickly. You need to have solid evidence if there is something going on, so she won't be able to say your crazy. Don't let on that you are watching her, otherwise she will just go further underground and make it that much harder for you to gather evidence.


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## russ101 (Jan 8, 2010)

I would also tell her not to delete any more texts, because it causes suspicion in your eyes, and if she has nothing to hide, why should she anyway.


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## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

It starts out this way. Wife may never have even considered an affair. Wife feels a little "less than". She meets a guy that showers her with interest, admiration and desire. This triggers a rush of Adrenaline, DEA, Dopamine, Seratonin & Oxytocin. The texing, sexting and initmate conversation begins. She may vascillate about it being right or wrong but dismisses it as harmless fun and fantasy. "What you don't know won't hurt you" and "it really isn't cheating". By this point, her reptilian brain has taken over and she can't stop the runaway train! Before you know it, she's banging him in the back seat of a compact car!

END THIS CRAP NOW! DON'T SIT BACK AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS! I wish I had taken more descisive action when I found the text message from my wife to the OM saying "I want you". She dismissed it as being just drunken fun. The OM lived across the country and was no threat! It's amazing how quickly he was able to fly in for some fun with my wife. A scar that will never go away for me and has changed our marriage forever! I wish I had gotten this advise then.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

I still say you need concrete evidence. I never went there with my wife even though I had the gut feelings. I often thought about gps tracking systems and other spy type things but never went there. I believed my wife and never thought she was capable. I do feel like a real fool.

Something happened a while back where I found out she’d deceived me, it wasn’t related to an affair. I called her up on it in a nice way like “I’m very sad that you didn’t let me know all that happened ….”. What came after that was mind boggling. Over a period of 4 weeks I got blamed for three different reasons why she didn’t tell me, I got denial and I got more lies and deceits.

I knew what the truth from the outset. And I knew my wife knew the truth but over the 4 weeks she’d confused herself so much that she could never get back to it and express it. She’d actually deluded herself about the truth, she simply didn’t know what it was anymore.

The discovery that my wife is a liar and could liberally lie to me and put the blame on me was enough for me to end my marriage.

Bob


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## Wolf359 (Jun 10, 2010)

Workingitout said:


> It starts out this way. Wife may never have even considered an affair. Wife feels a little "less than". She meets a guy that showers her with interest, admiration and desire. This triggers a rush of Adrenaline, DEA, Dopamine, Seratonin & Oxytocin. The texing, sexting and initmate conversation begins. She may vascillate about it being right or wrong but dismisses it as harmless fun and fantasy. "What you don't know won't hurt you" and "it really isn't cheating". By this point, her reptilian brain has taken over and she can't stop the runaway train! Before you know it, she's banging him in the back seat of a compact car!
> 
> END THIS CRAP NOW! DON'T SIT BACK AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS! I wish I had taken more descisive action when I found the text message from my wife to the OM saying "I want you". She dismissed it as being just drunken fun. The OM lived across the country and was no threat! It's amazing how quickly he was able to fly in for some fun with my wife. A scar that will never go away for me and has changed our marriage forever! I wish I had gotten this advise then.


Well Said :iagree:


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Workingitout said:


> It starts out this way. Wife may never have even considered an affair. Wife feels a little "less than". She meets a guy that showers her with interest, admiration and desire. This triggers a rush of Adrenaline, DEA, Dopamine, Seratonin & Oxytocin. The texing, sexting and initmate conversation begins. She may vascillate about it being right or wrong but dismisses it as harmless fun and fantasy. "What you don't know won't hurt you" and "it really isn't cheating". By this point, her reptilian brain has taken over and she can't stop the runaway train! Before you know it, she's banging him in the back seat of a compact car!
> 
> END THIS CRAP NOW! DON'T SIT BACK AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS! I wish I had taken more descisive action when I found the text message from my wife to the OM saying "I want you". She dismissed it as being just drunken fun. The OM lived across the country and was no threat! It's amazing how quickly he was able to fly in for some fun with my wife. A scar that will never go away for me and has changed our marriage forever! I wish I had gotten this advise then.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Get evidence, but also get a lawyer-see what all your legal options are. And do NOT confront the OM, he will also deny it, tell your wife about it, and now she will have a good bullet in her "good guy/bad guy" arsenal: telling anyone who will listen "See the crap I have to put up with from my jerkoff husband?"


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## Corkey88 (Sep 16, 2010)

Firstly, a married woman should not be having single or married male friends of the opposite sex. It is the "lead us not into temptation" thing and trust me, I have seen situations like this in the past. It is guaranteed trouble with a capital T. 

Secondly, you have a right to be suspicious because it seems clear that she is doing things behind your back that she doesn't want you to know about, plus she really doesn't want you coming to stay with her???? 

I would confront her about this not in an angry way, but get your point across that this is unacceptable and you won't be treated this way. She is treating you, her husband, with a lack of respect and you need to stand up for yourself and tell her you won't tolerate it.


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