# Is Compromise Good For Your Relationship?



## Annie Pool (Nov 29, 2017)

Do you think that compromise is important to the success of a relationship?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

It depends on the issue. Some things should not be compromised, such as integrity.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Annie Pool said:


> Do you think that compromise is important to the success of a relationship?


Very situationally dependent. Sometimes compromise is the best that two can hope for, so the ability to do so is important. But it shouldn't be the default--looking for a win-win is even better. Aligning desires in the first place is still better yet. 

No matter how good at compromise they may be, two badly matched people will struggle as compromise is, by its nature, both sides giving up something. To much sacrifice by both partners, even if well intentioned, will ultimately be corrosive.


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## Annie Pool (Nov 29, 2017)

So true, Rocky Mountain Yeti. Looking for a win-win is a far better strategy. The key question is, how do you arrive at this when 2 people are accustomed to compromising? (Or worse, one person does all the compromising and is waiting for the other to make the same move?)


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Depends on the topic. It is an important tool. There is no single "thing" which will magically fix all issues in a marriage and make it strong and safe.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Learn communication skills and speak your mind, instead of holding it all in and building resentment.


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## leon2100 (May 13, 2015)

He wants an open marriage she doesn't. He wants a threesome and she doesn't! He wants to do it doggie style, she wants to read a book. Are the those the issues to be compromised?


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## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

What I do 

I always compromise unless its a boundary. Know your boundaries well. I never bend on them ever, if I do I will become a resentful SOB quick. This makes compromising the other 95% of the time effortless. Plus without the compromise from both of us it would just be never ending fights. This does not mean I established boundaries and now I am a tyrant. Example

Beautiful SO - "I want you to skip the gym one day this week so you can make it to a dinner with another couple on Thursday night."

Boundary - I exercise in the gym at least 5 days a week (this I cannot bend on) 

Compromise - Me - "Rather than my normal Monday - Friday routine I will swap Thursday for Saturday so I can make it to that dinner you wanted me to attend". 

Everyone is happy

Before the boundaries everything in relation to compromise felt like an attack. Defenses were always up. With them its easy to decide how I will compromise. Either something like the above or the issue may not cross a boundary at all so I will just compromise (95% of the time). Forth option would be a boundary is being crossed and there is no room to do something like the above. In that case she would get a no every time.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Annie Pool said:


> So true, Rocky Mountain Yeti. Looking for a win-win is a far better strategy. The key question is, how do you arrive at this when 2 people are accustomed to compromising? (Or worse, one person does all the compromising and is waiting for the other to make the same move?)


Of course, a win-win is not always possible. 

One technique to try to understand the essence of what both parties want. Often what we ask for is more a response to a symptom than it is to a root cause. By working together to fund the true underlying desires, it can be more possible to bring things into alignment. 

Crude, but demonstrative example: Guy wants daily bjs. Gal finds oral sex distasteful. Neither is right, neither is wrong. A "compromise" would be occasional, but infrequent bjs. But neither is getting what they want. He still wants more, she's still doing something she finds objectionable. Compromise isn't working.

Look for the underlying cause. Why does he want bjs? If it was just because he wants more orgasms, then he could just take care of that himself, so it's not that. Maybe he sees bjs as a special form of lovemaking; one that shows greater depth of acceptance as it's intimate in a way intercourse is not. Solution: find another way to demonstrate this level of acceptance and desire for intimate connection. Maybe it's a different position. Maybe it's masturbating for him (something many consider even more vulnerable). Maybe it's doing something that isn't even sexual in nature. 

I use the particularly graphic sexual example because this is, for many, a tender subject and even married couples often shy away from discussing such things as this. Even when they to, they don't often fully fess up. Even if willing to fess up, they don't often know exactly why they are the way they are and why they want what they want. True depth in self reflection is exceedingly rare. With regard to our example, most men are loathe to say they "need" anything, especially emotional connection. 

Hopefully this helps enhance the point that others on this thread have been trying to make: that open communication is all important and without it, it's quite difficult for there to be an equitable solution. Both parties have to open up fully--only then can there be a win-win discovered if available and, failing that, what type of compromise would be most beneficial. 

It sounds like you've been giving and he's not meeting halfway. Assuming this is correct rather than you just perceiving it this way, I suspect the lack of compromise is not the disease, but rather a symptom of the disease of him either not listening/understanding or (hopefully not the case) him not caring. Maybe he also not being willing to open up and discover his own true nature.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

Annie Pool said:


> So true, Rocky Mountain Yeti. Looking for a win-win is a far better strategy. The key question is, how do you arrive at this when 2 people are accustomed to compromising? (*Or worse, one person does all the compromising and is waiting for the other to make the same move?*)


That doesn't sound healthy, sounds more like one person is being a martyr which can turn into being a passive/ aggressive if that person then resents their martyrdom. 

We have a large, blended family here, lots of compromise is needed but it is done in consultation and many decisions are equity based if compromise is needed. 

Like some of the others have said, it is situational dependent. What issues are you talking about OP?


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

Hell No!

Give an inch they take a mile.

That doesn't only apply to men.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Some things are so important there cannot be compromise. So, it depends.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

No! She needs to do everything I say, when I say it or Hulk Spank!!!!!

But.... After the role playing is over...

As long as it isn't immoral or unethical to me, I am willing to work with her on most issues and she works with me as well.

She is usually more stubborn than I am but I am far more grumpy.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Depends on the issue, on the marriage, and the personalities. Care to share more information for better responses?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Annie Pool said:


> Do you think that compromise is important to the success of a relationship?


In many ways yes, but it does depend on the situation. There are things that I wouldn't compromise on, and the same with him, but in many things we could and would.


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## pragmaticGoddess (Nov 29, 2017)

Yes compromise is good provided it is the result of discussion, negotiation then agreement between both parties. If compromise is the result of one party being compliant, and trying to please the other then no it’s not really a true compromise. Worse still is agreement gained but one spouse is resentful and is passive aggressive as a result.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I think you are mixing up the definitions of compromise and concede. 

Compromise means working out a win-win situation, where as concede means giving in.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Annie Pool said:


> Do you think that compromise is important to the success of a relationship?


As with all of life, balance is key. Stand firm and set effective limits on very important issues of character and integrity, wholesale give when you can, compromise in between.


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