# Suspicions about attractive coworkers?? Am I Too Jealous?!?



## See (Feb 12, 2013)

I know that the reality is men will look at attractive women and vice versa. I am ok with that as long as its just looking. But what happens when that attractive person(s) is someone your spouse happens to see almost everyday?

Here's my situation. I don't know if I'm overreacting given the circumstances because honestly I feel like I have become such a jealous and insecure woman because of what has occurred in our relationship - I despise the way I am now ( and do recognize that I need help whether its couples counseling or individual counseling).

Anyway here goes :
My fiancé and I are recently separated .
We live together and have a 1 year old son. We are taking the relationship a day at a time and trying to work things out for our son. 3 years ago he cheated on me with a coworker. I never fully got over it and it was completely out of the blue since we were doing great at the time... I gave him another chance and we swept it under the rug.. But I was able to trust him again. Now comes present day he drops serious $$$ at a strip club. Again out of the blue! ( Should I mention that he is very impulsive) I was so furious and still am furious as this was only a month ago... He initially lied about where he was then told me the same night when he came home. He keeps finding ways to shock me in the most disrespectful disappointing ways!! 
Because of our son it complicates things. I really want to try everything we can before officially calling it quits.. He is on very thin ice because I don't know how many more of his f*ckups I can endure. 

So today I snooped around on his computer. I happen to know of a coworker of his that is very attractive. Obviously he has never mentioned her to me. I noticed that they became Facebook friends on Friday. Fine no harm done there. But I notice that there is no mention of this in his public newsfeed because he deleted it so that I wouldn't know. So I bring it up today and ask who she is? And he says she's just his coworker.. He requested her friendship when I told him we were separated (My spidey senses questions, "why wait till then??) but she accepted it just now. I asked him why delete the fact? He says because he knew I would be upset...I respond, but If she was just a coworker why should I have any reason to be upset at this, what, because she's attractive??? Have I become so insecure that he doesn't feel like he can be "FB friends" with an attractive coworker? 

Seriously, what should I make of this? Am I overreacting because of our history or do I have grounds to consider this as suspicious activity? I don't know how to trust this man anymore and I hate how I've become! I have never felt more insecure and its eating me inside out. I know, I'm a total wreck. I feel like he made me this way but I don't want to put all the blame on him it's me too.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

In my opinion, you are not over-reacting. You are keeping a protective eye on your relationship.

One loophole is: If there is no relationship, then technically you are out-of-bounds.

If he is trying to make it work with you, he needs to keep away from the co-worker, especially because of his past indiscretion...

Have you guys gone to counseling at all? Rug-sweeping is not very healthy...

Best of luck... I am in a similar situation and it's not fun! :/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Just my personal experience-actively hiding the *friendship* of an attractive coworker is a HUGE RED FLAG. My h met his AP(coworker) in late Feb, I knew NOTHING of her until June despite the fact that he was working side by side with her 10 hrs a day. I didnt know she existed. Though he spoke of EVERYONE else- he never mentioned her once until June. He admits now that it was intentional to keep my suspicions down. If I didnt know about her,I couldnt keep my eye on the situation- he was absolutely right. They had a year long EA. 

Be careful since he has proven himself capable of betraying you already. 

Good luck.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You are separated? You may want to work on the relationship but he may not.


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## gbonham77 (Feb 21, 2013)

Openminded said:


> You are separated? You may want to work on the relationship but he may not.


maybe i guess


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

If he truly wanted to regain your trust and work on your relationship he certainly would not be continuously "shocking you in the most disrespectful, dissapointing ways." Strip clubs, hiding attractive female coworker after being caught cheating??? No....this isnt a man making any effort whatsoever! If you still want him...sorry but I certainly wouldnt... take a strong stand now and tell him to take a hike or you can expect more of the same...cheating and disrectful behaviors.


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## See (Feb 12, 2013)

LanieB said:


> One question though - are you really separated? You mentioned still living together?? Was this separation a way to give each other space while still attempting to work on your relationship? If so, then obviously bringing a new person into the equation isn't going to help anything. Maybe he had other ideas about this separation.
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I wasn't clear. We are separated but agreed to begin to slowly rebuild and try to make it work. We have also agreed to seeing a relationship counselor/therapist. So we are in between right now. Also, we live together because of our son, and mostly because I can not support myself financially until I graduate nursing school (MAY 2013!!!) and start working, unfortunately.


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## damiana879 (Aug 26, 2011)

I have to agree with the others...the fact that he's hiding things like that means that he is still in the "Well, as long as I do this and she doesn't find out, it'll be ok.....because I don't want to upset her.." and that means that he knew his behavior would upset you, so why do it? I know it's impulse, but that's not a good excuse...I would take it as he's not ready for that kind of commitment yet. I'm sorry, hon...


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

Not completely able to answer this question as I don't know the conditions for the separation. You may have already done that and just not shared with us. If you have not then I recommend that you do. Separating can have different purposes, some use it as a means to give both sides perspective, while others use it as a transition to termination of the relationship. Usually this is accomplished in separate domiciles, since you are physically cohabitating, then what are the terms of the separation? What is the term of the separation? If reconciliation is the goal, then what is the plan to heal this relationship?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You need this book

Dr. Shirley Glass - NOT "Just Friends"

You also made a huge mistake by rugsweeping when he cheated the first time. You gave him permission to do exactly what he's doing now.


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