# Husband never initiates



## Sanisandra (Dec 6, 2015)

Hi all. We have been married for almost 10 years and are on a downward spiral in our relationship.
Hubby keeps complaining about our sex life. He wants more sex, more variety etc. But he never initiates or does anything to get me in the mood. We hardly even touch during the day. We will then watch TV in the evening on separate couches and when going to bed he will sit there and I can basically feel he is waiting for something from me. But never actually making any move like cuddling or kissing me. I just hate being expected to come onto him all the time and when I don't he gets upset. This atmosphere is really not getting me in any mood for sex.
I have never turned him down when he tried ( these times I can count on one hand and never in the last 5 years).
I don't have a great sex drive but feel that this is because of this weird atmosphere. It just feels more and more like a chore not something I crave. 
Is it really too much to ask that he offers a massage or hugs and kisses me before going to bed. Any touch at all that will get me craving more?
After all he is the one wanting more sex.
I have this HUGE expectation over my head, to make sex better and more frequent but it is all on me. He says he wants to make it more exciting and his idea is saucy text messages or he wants me to send him intimate pictures. This just does not do anything to me. I need physical closeness.
He has turned to porn as well and could this have desensitized him in that real life is now just boring?
He also does not sleep in our bed anymore. He snores awfully so he says he does not want to bother me, but I think he wants to be free to watch porn at night. 
He says more sex will also lead to a more affectionate relationship but for me it has to go the other way around. We are totally stuck and when we try and talk about it, we end up arguing.


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## Sparta (Sep 4, 2014)

That's got to be the first time I heard that a man would never initiate sex. Was he always like this what about when you were dating.? Anyways I'm sorry that you're going to this. It does sound like the porn to getting in the way. When you mentioned he sleeps in another bed that's what that's probably all about. For him not to even try to fixes yeah there's something going on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tommyr (May 25, 2014)

Maybe alot of this is just a classic "failure to communicate."
Have you tried telling him exactly what you have just posted here?
What did he say?


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Sanisandra said:


> He says more sex will also lead to a more affectionate relationship but for me it has to go the other way around. We are totally stuck and when we try and talk about it, we end up arguing.


Yup, this is the classic vicious circle of sexuality. One partner needs sex before they feel affectionate, and the other needs affection before they feel sexy. This is fine if both partners understand this is their dynamic, and then they can both work to keep in balance.

But if the balance gets so extreme, where neither partner provides what the other one needs and neither partner is willing to be the one to put in the effort to change the dynamic, you have situations like yours.

Good news is, it may only take one of you to break out of the circle. Bad news is, it's going to have to be you, because you're the already putting in effort by seeking advice instead of just complaining, and it's going to take a long time. There are several ways to do it though.

You could seek marriage/sexual counselling and get a third party to help your husband come to the same realization you have. If he won't hear it from you, he might from a pro.

You could bite back your feelings and be sexually available for a while, until he gets affectionate again.

You could initiate divorce and maybe shock him into action.

Sleeping in separate bed does a lot to destroy intimacy, as does seeking stimulation from porn.

You may also find reading that bit about the Five Love Languages useful, as obviously you are not speaking the same language.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Sanisandra said:


> Hi all. We have been married for almost 10 years and are on a downward spiral in our relationship.
> Hubby keeps complaining about our sex life. He wants more sex, more variety etc. But he never initiates or does anything to get me in the mood. We hardly even touch during the day. We will then watch TV in the evening on separate couches and when going to bed he will sit there and I can basically feel he is waiting for something from me. But never actually making any move like cuddling or kissing me. I just hate being expected to come onto him all the time and when I don't he gets upset. This atmosphere is really not getting me in any mood for sex.
> I have never turned him down when he tried ( these times I can count on one hand and never in the last 5 years).
> I don't have a great sex drive but feel that this is because of this weird atmosphere. It just feels more and more like a chore not something I crave.
> ...



Both of you take the 5 love languages separately and compare the results.

Home | The 5 Love Languages® | Improving Millions of Relationships? One Language at a Time.


Turned out I am Physical rating 12 HD - high sex drive

Mrs.CuddleBug is Acts of Service 12 LD - low sex drive


I used to initiate all the time but year after year of Mrs.CuddleBug being LD took its toll. I no longer initiate and if we have sex, its only when she initiates. I got tired of the "sigh", "rolls eyes", and excuses.

When married, you are to take care of each others needs as your own. That means, if your hubby has a high sex drive and loves it when you initiate, you do just that.

But at the same time, you want to be desired and have the cuddling and he should be doing that no matter what.

It's about taking care of each others needs as your own and not about you anymore.

Do what's best for your marriage or yourself?


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

It's normal for one or the other party to be lower desire (LD). It's usually the woman who is, but increasingly such cases are not rare either.... 

He's probably looking for the type of kicks that porn can give him. Usually kicks in after 7-10 years of a relationship/marriage.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Better try and talk it out now one way or the other. Tell him what you need. Hint: boring is bad!

Lack of proper communication is a common problem. 

But if you wait long enough someone else will solve that problem for you or him. Then it's a very different and difficult discussion.


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

I hope you ca talk it out and come to an agreement. Did he always NOT initiate or is this a change? I think the answer to that will be very telling. 

If he suddenly stopped that is a red flag.


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## victor (Dec 14, 2015)

I've been married a little over 11 years and I've been through some of what you are saying. For the best part of the last 7 years I haven't slept much in the same bed as my wife. I have terrible PTSD issues from my military service and I yell, scream, kick, thrash, hit, everything else in my sleep and my wife won't sleep in the same bed for that reason. However, I don't think it has really interfered too much with our sex lives (or at least it wasn't the reason during dry spells). We fool around and do our thing in the night after we put the kids to bed. The last thing my wife does every evening before she goes to bed is a 20-40 minute yoga practice. So, after we've gotten our fill of shenanigans in the bedroom, she gets up to do yoga and I head to sleep in my own bed. 

I never wanted to seem forceful on too pushy on my wife so I was very reluctant to initiate I also, for some reason, got it into my head that I was too shy or nervous to initiate (which led to failures the few times I reached out to her due to my lack of confidence being a turn-off). I got used to not having as much sex as I would like to have. It wasn't related to the lack of sex, but our relationship started to falter a few years back and my wife couldn't leave me because she didn't have the financial means to support herself and I wouldn't leave her as I would never leave my children (also, regardless of how bad our relationship was at times, I'd never leave my wife high and dry). I may not always have had the best relationship with my wife and we certainly went through periods where we didn't like each other but I never stopped loving her and I always would have done anything for her.

Anyways we've tried to reinvigorate our marriage several times. Usually it was her lead and I kind of went along with it. She initiated all the sex and I rarely if ever took the lead and each of these periods of time where we tried to reinvigorate our relationship and they all fell flat. Maybe it's the reality that divorce is a very really possibility that has scared me, but I've decided I've had enough of a bad relationship with my wife and that I want to be with her in a good relationship both for my sake and for my kids' sake.

We went to marriage counseling and that made a big difference. It was her idea. During the two sessions we went to together I saw just how unhappy my wife was and how much she wanted out of the relationship if things couldn't improve. However, I also saw how much she wished things could be better. We had a major falling out with our counsellor and it ended after just two sessions but it was all I needed to realize that I need to do something different if I wanted a relationship with my wife. I want a more intimate and physical relationship with my wife and I want to have more sex with my wife so I decided to say "f-it" and take a chance and just go for what I want. If I want to sit and cuddle with my wife on the couch I'm not going to wait for her. I'm just going to do it. The same goes for holding hands, making out like a teenager with her, etcetera... I've only been trying this out for a few days, but so far it has been working great. My wife has reacted very well to my to my recent efforts. 

I hate to say it, but if he isn't 100% on board with trying to add more intimacy and physical contact or to initiate sex with you on his own accord it isn't going to happen. I really recommend going to couples counseling and raising these issues there. Tell him that something in the relationship needs to change in order for it to continue. Also be patient with him. It's not going to change over night and there will be a couple of stumbles along the way. It might not always seem like it, but I bet that your husband wants what you want but is just nervous / reluctant for some reason.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Sanisandra said:


> He says more sex will also lead to a more affectionate relationship but for me it has to go the other way around. We are totally stuck and when we try and talk about it, we end up arguing.


I don't think this is all too uncommon. I definitely require sex to feel that emotional/affectionate connection, whereas my wife needs more the emotional/affectionate connection to feel more in the mood for sex. The key is finding a balance, it can't be his way only and it can't be your way only, you need to find a way where you both meet each other's needs. 

However, the fact that he isn't sleeping in the same bed with you is a real problem. Have you tried telling him you insist that he sleeps in bed, you would even be willing to wear a soundproof facemask so his snoring doesn't bother you? Basically try to call him out on this. If he has turned to porn, well, simply put he is focusing his energy on someone/something other then you, and this behavior can/is destructive, it should not be tolerated. If he is looking for more spicy behavior then it could very will be driven by the garbage he is seeing on porn. 

As suggested, go to MC. If you both can't find a way to make things work then you will have some difficult decisions to make.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

He may be afraid of rejection. Rejection can be verbal and nonverbal. If he makes a move and you hrmphh, but go thru it anyway, that is a huge ego killer.


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