# Handling a tough situation



## ivyjohn26 (Aug 31, 2012)

Hi, I have been married for 12 years and we have a 7 year old son. Everything was perfect until the last 2 years. Last year a co-worker showed interest in me, knowing that I'm married and after resisting for a while, I felt very strong attraction towards him. I could not stop thinking about him, it was so bad that I would not sleep but think about him. He started getting mad at me, asking me to go to a therapist so I can figure out everything that I really feel. This went on for 3 months - and since I loved my husband and had no intention of cheating or encouraging the co-worker, I left my job and took another job. However, I could not get over him and missed him terribly for almost a year after I left...in fact I even gave up getting over him. It was very very painful to go through this. I was depressed and found it hard to focus on my family during that time. However, now the strangest thing happened. Another co-worker at the new place started showing interest in me, more so as a friend and mentor. He is also married. I had really no interest in him nor was I attracted to him at all, but I was touched by the way he would help me with anything (all work related). Finally I got close to him, more so emotionally, not at all attracted. I realized I was thinking less about the previous guy, after I started getting close to the new guy, and I liked that I'm finally able to get over him. But recently I got very close to him, and I feel very vulnerable. He is a good guy, and I can see that he wants to pull back and not want to be close either, but probably finds it hard. This all feels very strange. My husband knows about both men, I just never told him about the attraction part, but that I really like both of them. I'm not sure what's the right thing to do here - should I continue to develop a friendship with the new guy? Or is it dangerous? I would never cheat on my husband, I just don't want to go through the pain I went through feeling the way I felt for the first guy. If so, how do I handle it? what can I tell him? its not like breaking up with someone since at the moment it is really just a harmless friendship. I would really appreciate any help/ advice in this matter.


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## livnlearn (Mar 5, 2012)

You should find out what is missing in your relationship with your husband. The way the interest from these men is making you feel, is something that you need to be getting from your marital relationship...not random men at work. You're treading in dangerous territory.


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## mel123 (Aug 4, 2012)

till you figure out why you are doing this , keep your distance and set yourself some boundaries. This is not that uncommon in the work place.

I fell into that trap myself. I worked with a woman 5-6 days a week 8 hours per day for 4 years... I saw my wife about 2 hours per day......(we worked different shifts)...I did not have an affair but could easily could have. But I was very emotionally attracted to OW. I suffered pain when it ended also. When men and women spend long hours together in the work place this happens often. Set yourself some boundaries to stay safe.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

First, get the book *"Not Just Friends"* by Dr. Shirley Glass. It's one of the best books out there regarding inappropriate workplace friendships and emotional affairs. I think you would benefit from the book. And I don't get a dime for recommending the book. 

Second, your husband doesn't really "know" about the guys. Sure he knows that you work with someone named Mike and someone named John. But as you said he doesn't know that you were deeply attracted to them. That's the crucial part. You need to tell your husband that you're attracted to this colleague. 

And for heaven's sake don't get close to this colleague. I would recommend switching jobs if that's an option for you. As long as you continue to work there, you get the "fix" of seeing him, and your thoughts continue to be influenced by continuing expectation of seeing him, and of impacting his life. 

If you don't change your job, you absolutely need to keep it completely professional. Don't share any personal information. Don't have secret conversations. Don't have lunch with him. Don't tell him you're attracted to him. 

Everything can't be perfect in your marriage. There must be things in your marriage that need to be addressed. Put your energies into that, not other men. 
Having a secret relationship with a man at work and lying about it doesn't improve your marriage. Keep interlopers out of the picture, and then you and your husband are free to focus on identifying & communicating and meeting one another's needs in ways that you each maybe haven't been doing enough of in recent years. Perhaps you've both put each other and the marriage on auto-pilot. 

Close opposite-sex friendship outside the marriage only work well in the movies and on television. Our culture instills in us the false idea that these opposite sex relationships are healthy for married people. In real life, they're about the worst idea you can imagine. Read the Not Just Friends book. Dr. Glass explains the phenomenon well.

My parting thought...I saw this on another website. Ironically the people whose quotes are used were all church going people. Their quotes show the gradual steps into an affair. You're already meeting more than several steps. Nip it in the bud now before you ruin several lives. Most people don't wake up one day and say "I'm going to cheat on my spouse today." It's a gradual eroding of marital boundaries until another person has replaced your spouse.

ANATOMY OF ADULTERY - 15 STEPS OF UNFAITHFULNESS

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Anatomy of Adultery 
15 Steps of Unfaithfulness 

How does adultery "happen?" People don't just decide one day to hop in bed and be unfaithful to their spouse. Adultery is the culminating act of a dozen or more tiny steps of unfaithfulness. Each step in itself does not seem that serious or much beyond the previous step. Satan draws a person into adultery one tiny step at a time. And he does this over time so that our conscience is gradually seared. This makes it easier to take "just one more step" thinking such a tiny step won't hurt us.

The following "15 steps" which analyze how adultery "happens" are based on scores of interviews, counseling, and correspondence with church folk who fell into unfaithfulness. Our question: "How did this happen... what were the tiny steps which led to this mess?" While the order varied from case to case, the following is the general progression which surfaced in most incidents. This is not some sort of theoretical list. These are the actual steps taken by scores of church people who wound up committing adultery and regretting it later. Some of these people sobbed deeply as they shared, hoping that their own pain and failure might save other marriages. This information comes to you at great expense.

This chapter doesn't have any preaching or analysis... that is left to you. Here we offer you cold word-for-word quotes. You and your Sunday School class can draw out the lessons. How did these lives get ruined? How does it start?


*1. Sharing Common Interests.*
"We just had so much in common, it was uncanny." 

"She and I both enjoyed music, and we were attracted to each other." 

"He was so spiritually-minded... I'd been looking for someone to share my spiritual struggles with." 

"We both loved horses, and started riding together." 

"We both shared a burden for the church and especially children's work." 

"She was the first woman I'd ever met who liked the outdoors, even hunting and fishing -- I was fascinated!" 


*2. Mentally comparing with my mate.*
"My husband wasn't interested much in spiritual things, but this man knew so much about the Bible." 

"She was slim, attractive, and dressed sharp -- quite a difference from my wife who didn't take care of herself much at that time." 

"She was so understanding and would listen to me and my hurts -- my wife was always so busy and rushed that we didn't have the time to talk. 

"My husband just would never communicate -- he'd come home from work and just sit there watching TV. I finally gave up on him. Then this man came along who was worlds apart from my husband -- he was gentile, loved to talk, and would just share little things about his life with me." 


*3. Meeting emotional needs.*
"He understood how I was feeling and offered me the empathy I was hungering for." 

"She was there when I needed her." 

"My ego was so starved for affirmation that I would have taken it from anyone -- I guess that's what started the whole thing." 

"No one had ever really believed in me until he came along. He encouraged me, inspired me, and believed so deeply in what I could become." 

"My wife was busy with the kids and not at all involved with my work. This girl admired me and treated me like I was really somebody. It felt so good." 


*4. Looking forward to being together.*
"I used to dread going to work, but after we started our friendship, I would wake up thinking of how I would see him later that day... it seemed to make getting up easier." 

"I would think of being with her the whole time I was driving to work." 

"I found myself thinking of him as I got dressed each morning, wondering how he would like a certain outfit or perfume." 

"I looked forward to choir practice every week because I knew he would be there." 

"Every time I drove by her house I would think of her and how we'd see each other that Sunday." 


*5. Tinges of dishonesty with my mate.*
"When my wife would ask if she was with the group I'd pretend I couldn't remember... right there I started building a wall between us." 

"I would act like I was going to practice with our ensemble, but actually I was practicing a duet with him." 

"Once my wife asked about her, but I denied everything, after all, we hadn't done anything wrong yet. Now I see that this was one of those exit points where I could have come clean and got off the road I was speeding down." 

"Whenever we got together as couples I would act like I didn't care about him, and afterward I would even criticize him to my husband. I guess I was trying to hide my real feelings from my husband." 


*6. Flirting and teasing.*
"I could tell from the way she looked at me. She would gaze directly into my eyes, then furtively glance down my body then back into my eyes again -- I knew then that she was interested in more than my friendship. But, I was so flattered by her interest that I couldn't escape." 

"Then we started teasing each other, often with double-meaning kind of things. Sometimes we'd tease each other even when we were together as two couples. It seemed innocent enough at first, but more and more we knew it really did mean something to us." 

"We would laugh and talk about how it seemed like we were "made for each other" so much. Then we'd tease each other about what kind of husband or wife the other one would have been if we'd married each other." 

"He had those killer eyes. When he'd look at me in that "special way" I would just melt. It was hopeless fighting my urges -- he had me." 


*7. Talking about personal matters.*
"We would talk about things -- not big things, just little things which he cared about, or I was worried about." 

"We'd meet together for coffee before church and just talk together." 

"I was having problems with my son and she seemed to understand the whole situation so much better than anyone else I talked with. I'd tell her about the most recent blow-up and she would understand so well. We just became really deep friends -- almost soul-mates. That's what's so weird about all this -- we never intended for it to go this far." 

"I had lost my Dad just before we got to know each other and he had lost his mother a few years earlier. He seemed to understand exactly what I was going through and we would talk for hours about how each of us felt." 

"I was so lonely since my husband died and hungry for someone to share life with. Then he began to call just because he cared. I loved hearing his caring voice at the other end of the line, even though I knew he was married." 

"We spent so much time together at work that I swear she knew more about me than my wife ever did -- or even cared to know." 


*8. Minor yet arousing touch, squeeze, or hug.*
"He never touched me for months. Then one night after working late, we were walking toward the door when he said 'You're so special, thanks for all you do..." then he turned and hugged me tenderly, just for a second. I loved how I felt for that moment so much that I began to replay it over and over again in my mind like a videotape. Now I know that I should have stopped it all right then. I never intended to ruin my family like this." 

"She was always hanging around our house and was my wife's best friend. Often she would stay late to watch TV, even after my wife went to bed. She would sit beside me on the couch and I was drawn to her like the song says... like a moth to the flame." 

"He would often pat me on the shoulder -- you know, in appreciation for a good job I'd done. But I knew it meant more than that." 

"The first time she touched me was when we were doing registration together. We were sitting beside each other. I'd say something cute or funny and she would giggle, then under the table she'd squeeze the top of my leg with her hand. That was really exciting to me." 

"Every time she shook hands with me at the door she seemed to linger, sort of holding my hand more than shaking it. No one else would notice, but I knew there was more to her touch than appeared to the eyes. She knew too." 

*
9. Special notes or gifts.*
"He would write these little encouraging notes and leave them in my desk, pocketbook, or taped to my computer. They didn't say anything which could be traced. If anyone found them they wouldn't suspect anything. But we both knew what was going on, we just didn't want to stop yet." 

"I would sometimes call him and leave a short message on his answering machine. He would leave little notes in my Bible." 

"He would buy me a little gift -- not that expensive, but it always showed he had taken extra thought to get exactly what I liked. Of course everyone else thought he was just being a good boss." 

"She started leaving unsigned notes to me in my desk sharing her feelings for me. It scared me at first, because I thought someone would find one. But after a while I found myself looking forward to the next one, even though I knew the risk." 


*10. Inventing excuses to call or meet.*
"I started figuring out ways I could drop off something at her house when her husband was gone. He and I knew each other and I would always return borrowed tools in the afternoon when I knew she'd be there alone." 

"I would wait until the end of the workday then I'd call him just before closing time about something I'd made up as a 'business question' and we'd talk." 

"The more entangled we got, the more I planned times where he and I could practice together. We started meeting more often." 

"She started arranging her schedule so that her husband dropped her off at committee meetings. I would hang around and offer to take her home, acting with as much nonchalance as I could muster up." 


*11. Arranging secret meetings.*
"By now we both were so far gone that we started meeting secretly at the mall parking lot. It know now how foolish this was, but I was driven by something other than good sense at that time."

"We started arranging to work evenings on the same nights, then we would leave early and meet each other in the dark parking lot." 

"I started making sure he knew my travel schedule so we could attend the same conferences. We still weren't involved physically at that time, but there was such excitement and romance to it all... even the secrecy seemed to make it more exciting." 

"She would sometimes call me just before lunch and we'd sneak through a drive-up together, and then spend the rest of my lunch hour talking quietly to each other." 


*12. Deceit and cover ups.*
"Once we were meeting secretly I had to invent all kinds of stories about where I'd been to satisfy my wife. By now I had built a towering wall of dishonesty between us." 

"Pretty soon my whole life was full of lies. I'd lie about where I was going, where I'd been, and who I'd been with. The more suspicious my husband got, the better liar I became. But he knew something was going on. It's hard to lie without people suspecting it." 

"I joined several groups so that I would have an excuse to be away in the evenings." 

"She would ask when I'd gotten off work. I'd simply lie about it, and she never knew what hit her. How can I ever regain her trust now?" 

"We agreed that if anyone saw us driving around we would both tell the same story: that my car wouldn't start, he stopped to help, an we were going together to get a new fuse to replace the broken one he'd discovered." 

"By now my whole life was a lie, so I began telling them regularly to cover up our little meetings." 


*13. Kissing and embracing.*
"The whole thing seemed so exciting by now. I was such a fool. We were meeting secretly and both of us were fearful of being caught. But that only seemed to increase our common ground. When we'd meet, we would embrace as if we'd not been together for years -- like in the movies when someone comes home from the war." 

"Once we started meeting secretly the end came fast. We kissed and hugged like two teenagers going parking for their first time." 

"It just felt so good to be hugged and loved by somebody who really cared about me." 


*14. Petting and high indiscretion.*
"At this point my glands took over. I forgot reason altogether and was willing to risk everything for more." 

"It was like I was a teenager again -- going too far, then repenting and promising to do better; then just as quick I was hungrily seeking more sin." 

"When my husband and I were dating we struggled with 'how far to go.' Well, here I was again struggling over the same issue. Friendship with this guy didn't seem so wrong. But now were we're going further than I ever intended. But, I felt curiously justified going exactly as far as I had with my husband when had been dating. In a way, I think some of my resentment against my husband's constant pressure on me started coming out. I'm not saying that it wasn't wrong. Just that I kind of felt justified." 

"At about this time I began fooling myself into thinking I was heroic for not going "all the way." That's what I wanted to do. But by doing "everything but" I fooled myself into thinking I was successfully resisting temptation. What I didn't realize was that, not only was what I was doing wrong, but that eventually I would take the next step. It's just not possible to freeze a relationship -- you have to go ahead with it, or break it off totally." 


*15. Sexual intercourse.*
"Soon I quit resisting and was swept into outright adultery." 

"One thing led to another and finally we ended up in bed with each other." 

"Though we never intended it to go that far, we eventually went all the way and had sex." 

"One night we couldn't seem to stop ourselves (at least we didn't want to) so I completed my journey of unfaithfulness to my husband -- I had sex with this man."


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

You seem to have an unhealthy need for attention from men.

One poster suggested counceling to see what is missing in your marriage that may be triggering this. I think it could also be something that has nothing to do with your marriage but may go back further than that.

Get help. Set boundaries and stop what your doing!


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

You need to focus on attrracting your husband again. Something has fallen by the wayside. He takes you for granted, or does not still do the romantic things you once enjoyed from him.

Start a romance affair up with hubby again. (Leave little love notes in his lunch/car... Bake him a cake/cookies for no reason other that to say "I appreciate you honey".....Buy some cute underwear & only wear them for HIM, not work.. not everyday.. etc).. 

Stop talking to the other guy.. unless it is a Need/necessity at work for work related purposes only.. otherwise stop looking at, talking to & thinking about that guy. When you find yourself thinking of him, then pull out your wedding album & go thru it. Or start writing down the memory of your first date with your hubby,,,... etc ,etc. Always replace the thinking of the other guy with visuals, thoughts, or actions with hubby.


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