# New Guy Here



## Novaman (Oct 7, 2019)

Hello! I stumbled on this forum when I googled to find some place to commiserate with guys who are going through similar issues.

Mine is an all too familiar story- My wife and I have been happily married for 30 years. We are both in our mid 50's and I've been blessed to have married a gorgeous woman who has aged very well. In fact, many people will mistake her for someone who is 20 years younger. She still revs my engine, but sadly, overtime, she seems to want to have sex less and less. And when we do have sex, I am the one who is always initiating it and she mostly is now just having sex to oblige me, with no real interest, sort of just laying there passively.

We hadn't had sex in a week and I was about to head out on a missions trip for a week, so I figured it might be nice to have a roll in the hay before leaving the next morning, but she would have none of it and told me to stop bothering her..... that is what brought me here. 

Anyways, I was rather upset about it and texted her the next morning from the airport saying that I wished she would show more interest and I wished she would be willing to have sex at a minimum of once a week.

That text message has put me in the doghouse


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Novaman said:


> Hello! I stumbled on this forum when I googled to find some place to commiserate with guys who are going through similar issues.
> 
> Mine is an all too familiar story- My wife and I have been happily married for 30 years. We are both in our mid 50's and I've been blessed to have married a gorgeous woman who has aged very well. In fact, many people will mistake her for someone who is 20 years younger. She still revs my engine, but sadly, overtime, she seems to want to have sex less and less. And when we do have sex, I am the one who is always initiating it and she mostly is now just having sex to oblige me, with no real interest, sort of just laying there passively.
> 
> ...


1. How is the rest of your marriage? Have you kept yourself up as well as she has kept herself up? Do you still woo and court her? Basically, have you taken stock of all the non-sexual ways you interact with and support her in the marriage? If so, what is your take?

2. Mid 50s means menopause. How has it affected her? Do you think there's a link there?

Lots more questions and things to explore, but let's start there for now.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Novaman said:


> We hadn't had sex in a week and I was about to head out on a missions trip for a week, so I figured it might be nice to have a roll in the hay before leaving the next morning, but she would have none of it and told me to stop bothering her..... that is what brought me here.


Bothering her?

A marital virus..

Now, it has spread, and it is bothering you.

It may be that she was resentful of you going away for a week, and let it slip, by curtly cutting you off.


LMc-


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## Novaman (Oct 7, 2019)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> 1. How is the rest of your marriage? Have you kept yourself up as well as she has kept herself up? Do you still woo and court her? Basically, have you taken stock of all the non-sexual ways you interact with and support her in the marriage? If so, what is your take?
> 2. Mid 50s means menopause. How has it affected her? Do you think there's a link there?
> 
> Lots more questions and things to explore, but let's start there for now.


1- The rest of our marriage is great. And yes, I have kept myself up at least as well as she has. I do still woo and court her regularly and do not take her for granted. In terms of the non sexual ways I interact with her- I do a ton of it. I really make her a priority. so much so I pretty much never have a "boys night out", rarely go golfing with the guys, love to do things together with her constantly including long walks, shopping, and Zumba classes where I am the only guy in the whole room. If there is any regular complaint she has it is this- I still work part time and when I come home from work, I like to hunker down by myself for a bit to unwind and sometimes she doesn't like that.

2- She was never a high drive partner, but I really think menopause has adversely effected many things for her. I discussed seeing a Doctor about it with her and exploring hormone replacement therapy but she will have none of it.


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

Novaman said:


> Hello! I stumbled on this forum when I googled to find some place to commiserate with guys who are going through similar issues.
> 
> *We hadn't had sex in a week and I was about to head out on a missions trip for a week, so I figured it might be nice to have a roll in the hay before leaving the next morning, but she would have none of it and told me to stop bothering her..... that is what brought me here.
> 
> ...





Novaman said:


> 1- The rest of our marriage is great. And yes, I have kept myself up at least as well as she has. I do still woo and court her regularly and do not take her for granted. In terms of the non sexual ways I interact with her- I do a ton of it. I really make her a priority. so much so I pretty much never have a "boys night out", rarely go golfing with the guys, love to do things together with her constantly including long walks, shopping, and Zumba classes where I am the only guy in the whole room. If there is any regular complaint she has it is this- I still work part time and when I come home from work, I like to hunker down by myself for a bit to unwind and sometimes she doesn't like that.
> 
> 2- She was never a high drive partner, but I really think menopause has adversely effected many things for her. *I discussed seeing a Doctor about it with her and exploring hormone replacement therapy but she will have none of it*.


As a menopausal woman I can tell you very quickly why you ain’t gettin’ any.
You are an insensitive, self-centred person. Women ain’t giving it out for free to please you.

You are going away and you thought that a “roll in the hay”’ would be nice? For who? You? What about her? 

And talking AT her about going on HRT is the ultimate in crassness. Do you have any idea the fear we women face when HRT is mentioned? With the Women’s Health Initiative Study released in the early 2000’s revealed that HRT increases our risk of BREAST CANCER (results are still disputed), but it seems that your dongle is the only thing that matters here. GET A GRIP MAN!

Is it possible that sex is painful for her post-menopausally? Have you asked? Do you care?

Telling her that you wish she was more interested, that you want sex once a week, disregarding her HUMAN concerns about a potential cancer risk all so you can get YOUR needs satisfied. WOW. 

I hope that someone else can handle your post with a little less triggering. I personally wouldn’t let you within 10 feet of my vajayjay until you grew up. Going Zumba or shopping does not make you a considerate person. 

Get on the internet, READ, EDUCATE YOURSELF. There is no lack of information out there.

IF you were less interested in SEX and more interested in MAKING LOVE WITH your wife she might show more interest. Good luck.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

aquarius1 said:


> As a menopausal woman I can tell you very quickly why you ain’t gettin’ any.
> 
> You are an insensitive, self-centred person. Women ain’t giving it out for free to please you.
> 
> ...


Let's go a little lighter on the projection and nastiness.

Having a sex drive, and wanting to use said sex drive with your partner, especially before a long trip (yes, even a menopausal one), should not be something to shame him over. 

I often tell my wife that I want to fool around the night before leaving on trips for business, which are about 5-8 per year. 

The real questions, OP, are as follows:

*Why did she respond so negatively to you? 

Not just a "no", but "leave me alone"? That seems pretty nasty. It sounds like resentment. 

*Why are YOU in the doghouse for telling her it hurt you to be turned down for sex? How are you allowing that to continue? 

Frankly, if my wife again said anything to me (since rectified) bordering on what yours told you, what she said verbatim would be my go to response to anything she wanted from me for the next few weeks (opening a jar, needing to vent, helping her with general acts of service). Then, when she gets mad at you for it, a simple response is adequate: "If you want more from me, you can start by doing more for me." The moment my wife responds to pleasing me with vitriol is the moment she moves somewhere south of zero on my priority list. 

*Has she always responded to you in this manner? What was your sex life like from dating until now? Frequency? General kinkiness? Etc.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

There is a serious problem here. You really need to find out what it is. Menopause? Affair? Leave the toilet seat up? This problem does not get better on its own. 

How would she respond if you asked her, "What text messages am I allowed to send you?" (That's intentionally passive aggressive.)


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## Novaman (Oct 7, 2019)

I've been talking and texting my wife daily during my trip down here and I think I know why she acted that way right before I left for the trip. It is because deep down she really doesn't like it when I go on these trips (for selfish reasons- because I'm not with her) even though she is supportive of me going because of the good I am able to do for people when I go on these trips.

BTW- Aquarius1- Wow! that was pretty nasty of you, especially considering how little you know of me and the situation. I hope you are not that way in person.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

aquarius1 said:


> As a menopausal woman I can tell you very quickly why you ain’t gettin’ any.
> You are an insensitive, self-centred person. Women ain’t giving it out for free to please you.
> 
> You are going away and you thought that a “roll in the hay”’ would be nice? For who? You? What about her?
> ...


I think you're inferring an awful lot about OP based on his very succinct description of what's happening with his wife. I get this topic triggers you but you can't assume he went in like a neanderthal and ordered his wife to go on hormones so he could get laid more often. With respect, if these kinds of threads trigger you so much perhaps you might be better off ignoring them?? 

OP, there is nothing wrong with wanting to be intimate with your wife the night before a trip away. I'd be disappointed if my guy had no interest knowing he'd be gone for a while. I hope that when you say "roll in the hay" you're not accurately describing what that sex would mean to you, ie. nothing but a physical release because if that's the case, I can guess why your wife has lost interest in having sex with you. But I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt that like a lot of guys, you talk about sex in a crude, non emotional way but that's not really how you feel about sex. 

As for the text message, that probably wasn't the best way to bring up such an important topic for your marriage. It might be time to sit down and have a grown up discussion with your wife about how you're feeling using mature terms and be honest about the emotional impact not being intimate with your wife enough is having on you. I think you'll get better results that way.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Novaman said:


> I really make her a priority. so much so I pretty much never have a "boys night out", rarely go golfing with the guys, love to do things together with her constantly including long walks, shopping, and Zumba classes where I am the only guy in the whole room. If there is any regular complaint she has it is this- I still work part time and when I come home from work, I like to hunker down by myself for a bit to unwind and sometimes she doesn't like that.


Jesus. All that "together time" would literally make my head explode. And she's actually nagging you because you need a little alone time to decompress every now and then? Does she really need to be up your ass 24 hours a day, 7 days a week? I honestly don't know how the hell you stand it. I don't.


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

Based on the information you provided in your post, I stand by my words.

While I admit that I could have softened them a bit, the point remains the same.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Novaman said:
> 
> 
> > I really make her a priority. so much so I pretty much never have a "boys night out", rarely go golfing with the guys, love to do things together with her constantly including long walks, shopping, and Zumba classes where I am the only guy in the whole room. If there is any regular complaint she has it is this- I still work part time and when I come home from work, I like to hunker down by myself for a bit to unwind and sometimes she doesn't like that.
> ...


I agree. I think that's a dynamic to be looked at (the up your ass dynamic-- and I don't mean anal sex), as well as how your wife talks to you. You seem to have given her dominion over your very life/time/sexuality, but she is *****not a kindly caretaker*****.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

My personal experience tells me that maintaining an active sex life as one gets older is not just the concern of men. The shoe is often on the other foot in this regard. I have at least three friends whose husbands have no interest in sex with them and haven't for years. I, for one, don't think it's fair to unilaterally change the rules and then get angry when the spouse wants to discuss it.

You have choices, OP. You don't have to accept a marriage in which your vital needs are unmet. She doesn't have to accept it either. If menopause is the key element here, then there is no reason that you two can't discuss this as a partnership. It sounds like both of you are at fault for not openly addressing the issue before it became the elephant in the room.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Novaman said:


> I've been talking and texting my wife daily during my trip down here and I think I know why she acted that way right before I left for the trip. It is because deep down she really doesn't like it when I go on these trips (for selfish reasons- because I'm not with her) even though she is supportive of me going because of the good I am able to do for people when I go on these trips.
> 
> BTW- Aquarius1- Wow! that was pretty nasty of you, especially considering how little you know of me and the situation. I hope you are not that way in person.


This is TAM. We're not necessarily here because we're "cured and healthy." Many of us have triggers (as she alluded to) that can set us off, and we initially fill in the blanks from our own perspective. 

As the background info becomes available, things tend to mellow out. And yet... do not overlook some of the initial visceral replies, because that irrational reasoning (to you) may very well apply to what you're experiencing at home. Consider the conversation here, with that irrational, visceral person, to be a better place to practice engagement than with your wife.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

aquarius1 said:


> As a menopausal woman I can tell you very quickly why you ain’t gettin’ any.
> You are an insensitive, self-centred person. Women ain’t giving it out for free to please you.
> 
> You are going away and you thought that a “roll in the hay”’ would be nice? For who? You? What about her?
> ...


Maybe put it the mirror down and take a look around. There’s a great big wild world out there that has little to do with yourself.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Novaman said:


> I've been talking and texting my wife daily during my trip down here and I think I know why she acted that way right before I left for the trip. It is because deep down she really doesn't like it when I go on these trips (for selfish reasons- because I'm not with her) even though she is supportive of me going because of the good I am able to do for people when I go on these trips.
> 
> BTW- Aquarius1- Wow! that was pretty nasty of you, especially considering how little you know of me and the situation. I hope you are not that way in person.


“Wife I love you and I know these trips are hard on you. I suspect I’m feeling much the same way when you shut intimacy down in our marriage. I miss you sometimes even when I’m in the same room with you. I’ll be home soon and want to talk about how we can both get more of what we need and want from our marriage.”


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Marduk said:


> “Wife I love you and I know these trips are hard on you. I suspect I’m feeling much the same way when you shut intimacy down in our marriage. I miss you sometimes even when I’m in the same room with you. I’ll be home soon and want to talk about how we can both get more of what we need and want from our marriage.”


No, I *REALLY* like this reply...


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

farsidejunky said:


> Let's go a little lighter on the projection and nastiness.
> 
> Having a sex drive, and wanting to use said sex drive with your partner, especially before a long trip (yes, even a menopausal one), should not be something to shame him over.
> 
> ...


Thank you!

We could not have said it better.

........................................................................

We all live in our own skins, some under notable, and nippled breasts, some under barely covered breastbones.
Men and women are different, up until, say ~mid fifties, then they 'start' to merge sideways, cutting into each other when they speak.

Men become less male, women become less female, both becoming un-becoming.

No, no, not all, but many, and many more as the years add up.

And yes, the rates of change, is varied. 

Men suffer ED.
Women suffer dryness, less desire.

Both suffer fools.



King Brian, and Lilith-


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

aquarius1 said:


> As a menopausal woman I can tell you very quickly why you ain’t gettin’ any.
> You are an insensitive, self-centred person. Women ain’t giving it out for free to please you.
> 
> You are going away and you thought that a “roll in the hay”’ would be nice? For who? You? What about her?
> ...


Wow where did you get all that from from reading the ops posts:surprise: I just read about a guy who loves his wife and would like to have more intimacy with her, surely a good thing? 

As for the 'fear we face' over HRT, I have no idea what you are talking about and have never met a women in fear of HRT. The small study that linked increased rates of breast cancer to HRT was disproved, and even if was true the increase is tiny. The many benefits of HRT far outweigh the negatives. I have never had any issues with taking HRT, and if it was going to help my marriage all the better.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

These threads and those postings, poke, trigger most of us at some time or t'nother.

Let not other's honest workings, unravel your own, those self-felt, shortcomings.

Egg shells, eggshells, they are the provable, and fearful debris of a brokered silence, those shattered dreams that lay afoot.
Those things never to be touched on.

Freedom of speech is for you and for those whom you disagree with.

When you let others rile you, you point out your sores, all those scars, those laying hidden beneath your cloak of reasonableness.

None of us relishes this aging. With aging comes a new reality, one that removes more than any adding.



KB-


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

aquarius1 said:


> Based on the information you provided in your post, I stand by my words.
> 
> While I admit that I could have softened them a bit, the point remains the same.


Actually, I think I know what you did, there:-











And it wasn't very helpful.


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## Novaman (Oct 7, 2019)

Casual Observer said:


> This is TAM. We're not necessarily here because we're "cured and healthy." Many of us have triggers (as she alluded to) that can set us off, and we initially fill in the blanks from our own perspective.
> 
> As the background info becomes available, things tend to mellow out. And yet... do not overlook some of the initial visceral replies, because that irrational reasoning (to you) may very well apply to what you're experiencing at home. Consider the conversation here, with that irrational, visceral person, to be a better place to practice engagement than with your wife.


Sorry, but I still don't consider this as an acceptable reason for someone spewing nastiness at me. Like I said, I sure hope Aquarius1 is not like this in person.

As far as the HRT is concerned for my wife, it was actually my Physical Therapist who suggested I have a discussion with her about it. SHE (yes, my PT is a woman) was asking me questions about my sleep issues and how my muscle issues may or may not be contributing to it and asked me if I slept in the same bed with my wife. I said "of course, yes." She then asked if my wife had trouble sleeping because quite often your own sleep issues can be caused in part by your spouse's sleep issues. I told my PT that yes, my wife did have sleeping problems, hot flashes, and other issues and it all was attributable to menopause. My PT then shared her own story about how she used to sleep poorly due to menopause but then went on HRT and was now doing so much better. She then recommended that I might want to discuss HRT as an option with her because if she sleeps better then I will likely sleep better. She then gave me a referral to an doc for my wife to see and said my wife could even call her (the PT) to discuss if she wanted to.

I share this because I feel I need to defend myself from all the horribly nasty insinuation about my situation. But I think at this point I'm done here. Life is too short to have to put up with this rudeness.


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## Novaman (Oct 7, 2019)

SunCMars said:


> These threads and those postings, poke, trigger most of us at some time or t'nother.
> 
> Let not other's honest workings, unravel your own, those self-felt, shortcomings.
> 
> ...


Sorry- eggshells or no eggshells, Aquarius1's reply as originally written was just plain nasty


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Novaman said:


> Sorry- eggshells or no eggshells, Aquarius1's reply as originally written was just plain nasty


Focusing heavily on an opinion that has zero relevance is a surefire path to improving nothing. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You should come back and talk. Ignore the single nasty response. There are people here with lots of experience with the issues you are concerned with.

Myself, for instance. I can speak to the mindset of menopause. I was on HRT for quite a while until I had a breast cancer diagnosis and surgery. HRT really helps to treat hormonal depression and hot flashes. Now I'm on medication that heightens the menopausal-type hot flashes, so I suffer pretty dramatically from that.

My H is extremely kind and accommodating to it. He helps me in any way he can, including keeping our bedroom as cold as a meat locker.

We still have regular sex, though. We have maintained this our entire life together, which is going on 41 years now.

Stick around. You will get over the one comment and start to appreciate the experience that the posters here bring to the conversation.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

A lot of people come into forums like these because they are hurting. When you're in that frame of mind, it can take a while to build up the courage to expose your inner most secrets and feelings to the world. Nasty comments can very easily drive away newcomers who can probably benefit by participating in the forum. I've been driven from several. Once I leave, I never go back.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Sfort said:


> A lot of people come into forums like these because they are hurting. When you're in that frame of mind, it can take a while to build up the courage to expose your inner most secrets and feelings to the world. Nasty comments can very easily drive away newcomers who can probably benefit by participating in the forum. I've been driven from several. Once I leave, I never go back.


The flip side is that there is essentially a "vetting period" of sometimes-painful probing to figure out where someone really is coming from. We have seen some legitimately bad people trying to use TAM to legitimize bad behavior. At first they'll give us an extremely one-sided and heavily-biased story that makes them look good. Until, after asking probing, painful questions, the truth comes out. Sometimes someone smells a rat and lays a trap, saying something they believe will set the OP off and expose their true nature. Trouble is, it might not have been a rat after all, and that smearing someone with that bait ends up totally mean & inappropriate.

The mods do a very good job looking out for the noobs; just look at the banned posters thread! But they also have to cut enough slack to get to the truth sometimes.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Well when you post in a public forum, you have to expect every kind of response, and if some harshness is too much for you and runs you off, maybe that could be part of your problem in your real life. Ignore what doesnt work for you and take it what does.


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## Novaman (Oct 7, 2019)

3Xnocharm said:


> Well when you post in a public forum, you have to expect every kind of response, and if some harshness is too much for you and runs you off, maybe that could be part of your problem in your real life. Ignore what doesnt work for you and take it what does.


How funny you would choose to say this considering the quote in your signature banner (which would apply in this case as far as I am concerned) thank you!


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

3Xnocharm said:


> ...maybe that could be part of your problem in your real life.


Well, yes, of course. But that's why we're here. It's a Catch 22: Come here because you have problems, but leave because you have problems. Or something like that.


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