# not attracted to my husband



## asdfgh (Nov 19, 2010)

I've been with my husband for three years. To begin with I was never that attracted to him, the sex was okay a few times it was pretty good. In my head I kept blaming the bad sex life on other factors: it'll be better once my job slows down, after the wedding planning and I'm not so stressed it will get better, etc. But it hasn't and now it's to the point now where I can't muster up any sexual feelings towards my husband at all. We don't kiss before sex (my doing I can't stand to kiss him), I hate looking at him naked, I hate standing in front of him naked and I get a creepy crawly sensation when he touches me. Every few months he will complain about our sex life and then I pretend to like it more for a while wearing outfits for him and trying out toys or having sex in places other than the bed which he enjoys. Typically that is enough to keep him happy, this last time he wanted to go down on me which I always make up an reason not to let him, because again I can't stand it if he does that it's so repulsive to me to have him down there (before him with other men I've had no problem with them doing this and enjoyed it) Now he's very upset and the more I think about this the more I realize this probably isn't right and it's definitely not fair to him for me to be so grossed out by him. I just don't know how to change it. He is a nice man and he treats me well. The relationship I was in prior to this one was an abusive relationship (mostly mentally abusive and shoving he didn't beat me or hospitalize me) and when I met the man who is now my husband even though I wasn't all that attracted to him he made me feel safe and he took care of me and I knew he wouldn't treat to me bad. I think this is why I married him. Does anyone have any suggestions?


----------



## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

You more than likely see him as a friend. You may have the brotherly love for him, or perhaps a father figure. That is why you are repulsed when you two have sex. That is why it feels "so wrong" while having sex.

I don't think one can make herself feel sexually attracted to someone. It either is there or it's not. May want to consider going your separate ways. You made a mistake, but it can be corrected.


----------



## deb9017 (Nov 8, 2010)

I think this kind of problem almost always stems from feelings about the person in general. In other words, it is not just that he does not turn you on sexually. He does not turn you on sexually because things are not right between you in general. I was the same way with my ex husband. I met him right after a break up with a "bad boy". He was nice and dependable and I latched onto him quickly. Sex was okay, just okay at first. But as time went on it became a chore and then I could not stand it.

If you really love someone, then you are sexually attracted to them because of that I think, not because of the way they look, or how sexy they are, etc. But just becuase you love them.

It might be time to move on.


----------



## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

> The relationship I was in prior to this one was an abusive relationship (mostly mentally abusive and shoving he didn't beat me or hospitalize me) and when I met the man who is now my husband even though I wasn't all that attracted to him he made me feel safe and he took care of me and I knew he wouldn't treat to me bad. I think this is why I married him. Does anyone have any suggestions?


Yes, tell him you used him as a Sugar Daddy, apologize for using him this way, and then proceed to annullment/divorce because you now understand a marriage is a sexual relationship.

Then proceed to work on your own issues.

Good luck.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You needed security and you found it, but the most secure places are often prisons. You can have security and passion, too. If you can't have that with your husband, do him a favor and leave him. Everyone deserves to be respected and loved. You have neither for him.


----------



## bluebird20 (Feb 7, 2011)

Wow, you guys were pretty harsh on the original poster. While yes her words sounds cruel...I for one can relate. This is pretty much how I feel about my husband. At least you are still having sex with him. To me that shows some selflessness. You could just refuse it like many women do. I know for me one BIG reason which may sound shallow to some is my husband's physical appearance. He was thinner when we dated but by no means fit or thin. However he has ballooned to 250-260lbs at 6'3". He won't even give an exercise and diet regimen a true attempt yet he complains about how he looks and feels. Meanwhile I have had ups and downs in my weight with two pregnancies but have consistently worked out and watched my diet to maintain a good weight and at times even be quite fit. I am repulsed by his naked body. I have to detatch to some degree and fantasize to enjoy sex. The more years that go by that he doesn't even try to change this (not to mention some health issues cropping up because of it) the more bitter I get.

On the other hand I also completely agree that a lot of it could be emotional. I have also lost attraction to my husband intelectually and emotionally over the years because we got married very young. As we grew up, we grew apart in our beliefs, views, opinions, etc. It has been hard staying together. I too was in a vulnerable place when we got together so I can relate to being a bit desperate for some security. This is of course my personal situation. I don't know what you can do now other than really analyze the root of why you feel that way and then have an honest discussion with him about it...and they maybe go to counseling???


----------



## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

Jeez ladies. If I knew my wife felt that way about me I would say let's just call a spade a spade and go our own ways. If there was no real attraction to begin with, it will be almost impossible to build an attraction. I am normally very optimistic in situations but I don't see a path here. I would MUCH rather be in a relationship with a person who was less good looking but found me desirable and attractive, than have a supper hot trophy wife who was repulsed by me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

What is he doing that is turning you off so much? It's got to be something or is it he's just let himself go and now looks horrid?

Do you think you're going through some trauma left over from the previously abusive relationship?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

I don't think I was being harsh - just calling it how it is, that's all.

I like what hubby said too about looks. I'd rather be with a woman who was sexual and less good looking vs. a trophy woman with fake boobs and a facelift who was asexual in behavior.

Looks fade, let's face it all of you guys and gals.

What? Are you going to all divorce your spouses when they reach 60 because of wrinkles, paunch, and gray hair? Stop having sex because they now repulse you? Please.

You all need to be switched by some nuns.


----------



## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Ask him to wear a mask.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

asdfgh said:


> I've been with my husband for three years. To begin with I was never that attracted to him, the sex was okay a few times it was pretty good. In my head I kept blaming the bad sex life on other factors: it'll be better once my job slows down, after the wedding planning and I'm not so stressed it will get better, etc. But it hasn't and now it's to the point now where I can't muster up any sexual feelings towards my husband at all. We don't kiss before sex (my doing I can't stand to kiss him), I hate looking at him naked, I hate standing in front of him naked and I get a creepy crawly sensation when he touches me. Every few months he will complain about our sex life and then I pretend to like it more for a while wearing outfits for him and trying out toys or having sex in places other than the bed which he enjoys. Typically that is enough to keep him happy, this last time he wanted to go down on me which I always make up an reason not to let him, because again I can't stand it if he does that it's so repulsive to me to have him down there (before him with other men I've had no problem with them doing this and enjoyed it) Now he's very upset and the more I think about this the more I realize this probably isn't right and it's definitely not fair to him for me to be so grossed out by him. I just don't know how to change it. He is a nice man and he treats me well. The relationship I was in prior to this one was an abusive relationship (mostly mentally abusive and shoving he didn't beat me or hospitalize me) and when I met the man who is now my husband even though I wasn't all that attracted to him he made me feel safe and he took care of me and I knew he wouldn't treat to me bad. I think this is why I married him. Does anyone have any suggestions?


I don't think your post is harsh, just stating your thoughts and feelings and asking for advice. I am in the same situation. I think my relationship is headed for divorce. I wish it wasn't. But, the lack of sex seems to really hurt our relationship. We don't have anything bringing us closer together. And it's not just a lack of sex because I am not attracted to him anymore. It's also a lack of initiating on his part. But that is another story. I married him because he would treat me well. But, that's like marrying a friend or "brother". It is very difficult and it is hard to understand why I can't feel different about him.


----------



## miss smiley (May 3, 2011)

Wow-this describes my feelings towards my husband exactly. Has anyone had any luck drumming up the attraction? In my head, I do love him like a brother/friend. He is a great father. We may have let our relationship go on autopilot but I feel exactly as the original poster stated. My attraction to him was never "strong" and I believe I married him using my head vs. my heart. I had sex with him for years without the emotional connection but I can't it do anymore. I feel grossed out, used and as if I'm slowly losing myself. So I told him I couldn't do it anymore and, all of a sudden, now- after yrs of telling him I don't feel emotionally connected, he asks if we're ok. What?! Now I have resentment thrown in the mix. I always knew that if I continued giving sex, he would think all was well and now he is confirming it. I told him I've been telling him for so long now that things are not ok- why has he not wanted to discuss it before? His reply: "No one likes to bring up negative things" 
Anyone out there ever felt the same way and have a success story? I think in my heart, it's over - but still hold hope for my kids.


----------



## nader (May 4, 2011)

It seems really cruel to marry someone you are not physically attracted to. Forget about money, security, personality, etc.  Why would anyone want to do this, EVER?


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

nader said:


> It seems really cruel to marry someone you are not physically attracted to. Forget about money, security, personality, etc. Why would anyone want to do this, EVER?


people do stupid things and then want a free pass these days


----------



## pilotguy (May 25, 2011)

A wise man once told me that a woman wants physical and emotional security - but not passion security. Give your hubby a copy of MMSL by Athol Kay


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

I am as attracted to my husband today as I was when we married more than 26 years ago.

Even with the weight gain, the gray hair and lines on his face - the man can turn my legs to jello.

I would HAVE NEVER married someone who I wasn't have red hot, mind-blowing sex with - ever.

You sold yourself short and him too.

Attraction can't be forced, it should come naturally - I don't know how you make yourself WANT someone physically that you are not attracted to.


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

bluebird20 said:


> Wow, you guys were pretty harsh on the original poster. While yes her words sounds cruel...I for one can relate. This is pretty much how I feel about my husband. At least you are still having sex with him. To me that shows some selflessness. You could just refuse it like many women do. I know for me one BIG reason which may sound shallow to some is my husband's physical appearance. He was thinner when we dated but by no means fit or thin. However he has ballooned to 250-260lbs at 6'3". He won't even give an exercise and diet regimen a true attempt yet he complains about how he looks and feels. Meanwhile I have had ups and downs in my weight with two pregnancies but have consistently worked out and watched my diet to maintain a good weight and at times even be quite fit. I am repulsed by his naked body. I have to detatch to some degree and fantasize to enjoy sex. The more years that go by that he doesn't even try to change this (not to mention some health issues cropping up because of it) the more bitter I get.
> 
> On the other hand I also completely agree that a lot of it could be emotional. I have also lost attraction to my husband intelectually and emotionally over the years because we got married very young. As we grew up, we grew apart in our beliefs, views, opinions, etc. It has been hard staying together. I too was in a vulnerable place when we got together so I can relate to being a bit desperate for some security. This is of course my personal situation. I don't know what you can do now other than really analyze the root of why you feel that way and then have an honest discussion with him about it...and they maybe go to counseling???


It's not only shallow, but unreasonable.

Why would anyone expect someone to NOT CHANGE PHYSICALLY as they age?

Do you look EXACTLY the same as you did when he married you? No lines on your face, no thinning hair, same exact body (unmarred by childbirth), tight skin, same weight, etc.?

Sorry - but I get pissed off when people say "well - he/she doesn't look like they did when I married them!" No kidding - I was 25 when I married - I'm now 51 - you damn right I don't look the same - if I did, then it means I spent a lot of money on plastic surgery.

Hopefully that's just a "small" reason why you are not attracted to your husband anymore and it's more about growing apart.

So why do you stay?

Do yourself and him a favor and let him go. Does he know how you feel?

I wouldn't stay if my husband told me he was no longer attracted to me - you can't fake or force that - I wouldn't be able to change enough for him.

You might need to end it too.


----------



## The Prodigy (May 24, 2011)

Your giving the poor guy false hope, holding out on sex until he starts complaining he's not getting enough then dressing up, using toys and doing it in random spots. He has no idea! Take it from a guy, if my wife did that stuff every time I complained about our sex life, I'd think every thing was perfect!! He thinks he can complain then he gets all this special treatment. I feel for you guys, maybe it was doomed from the start and maybe just maybe, you knew that.


----------



## Waiting4RightTyme (May 12, 2011)

I am in the same boat as asdfgh and Miss Smiley. I'm not attracted to my husband either, but it's not JUST physically - there's no attraction on ANY level. When we got married, I thought I was in love, but so much has gone under the bridge, and it's his personality that really makes him ugly to me. He has anger management problems, is lazy, is crude and rude, just a lot of stuff. No physical abuse, but some verbal and mean things are said between us. I'm no angel, but I do respect people, which he does not. I've told him 6 years ago that I'm not IN love with him, but we're still here in the same house. We have not made love in years. But he doesn't leave. He has nowhere to go, blah, blah, blah. His job doesn't pay enough for him to be on his own. The house is mine and my children's - not community property. He cannot be happy here, and I know I'm not happy at all. How do I get him to just leave????


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Waiting4RightTyme said:


> I am in the same boat as asdfgh and Miss Smiley. I'm not attracted to my husband either, but it's not JUST physically - there's no attraction on ANY level. When we got married, I thought I was in love, but so much has gone under the bridge, and it's his personality that really makes him ugly to me. He has anger management problems, is lazy, is crude and rude, just a lot of stuff. No physical abuse, but some verbal and mean things are said between us. I'm no angel, but I do respect people, which he does not. I've told him 6 years ago that I'm not IN love with him, but we're still here in the same house. We have not made love in years. But he doesn't leave. He has nowhere to go, blah, blah, blah. His job doesn't pay enough for him to be on his own. The house is mine and my children's - not community property. He cannot be happy here, and I know I'm not happy at all. How do I get him to just leave????


So why exactly should he leave? Because you want him to? 

Seems to me your only option to force it to talk to a lawyer and see what your options are, based on your exact situation and where you live. Then make it happen.

C


----------



## miss smiley (May 3, 2011)

So-no luck here on anyone feeling a loss of attraction and gaining it back? To those posting that we're shallow, married for wrong reasons, looking for a free pass...I see your pt of view but don't agree with you at all. No one can see what the future brings. My initial attraction was never shallow and there are many factors to consider other than hot sex. Who was to know that lukewarm sex could grow to a loss of desire? I honestly thought it could go the other way - could improve with time but it didn't. To say I'm looking for a free pass after learning of my mistake is cruel. There is no "free" in this situation at all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## whammy (Apr 22, 2011)

deb9017 said:


> I think this kind of problem almost always stems from feelings about the person in general. In other words, it is not just that he does not turn you on sexually. He does not turn you on sexually because things are not right between you in general. I was the same way with my ex husband. I met him right after a break up with a "bad boy". He was nice and dependable and I latched onto him quickly. Sex was okay, just okay at first. But as time went on it became a chore and then I could not stand it.
> 
> If you really love someone, then you are sexually attracted to them because of that I think, not because of the way they look, or how sexy they are, etc. But just becuase you love them.
> 
> It might be time to move on.


Wrong! (well, right about the moving on part)
sexual attraction can not grow from being in love with someone because you would be never be in love with that person in first place because you are not sexually attracted to them.

ive said it before and ill say it again while stories like OP's prove me right time and time again. being in love is ENTIRELY dependent on sexual attraction. 
and yes, There are things a woman wants from a man that takes that sexual attraction (lust) and takes it over top to actual love.... 

but lose that sexual attraction and those other qualities do not mean anything. When women have non physical things on their "list" of what they want in their future man, they take the physical attraction for granted and some how fool themselves in to thinking it "doesnt matter what he looks like." 

seriously ladies take your list... you know, "he has to be kind to animals, knows how to make me laugh", etc... whatever is on you list... and imagine its brad pitt who has those qualities...your totally in love right?

now take those qualities and image its "Greg, the 260 pound janitor" that has all of those qualities you want in a man... are you in love with him? 
didnt think so...


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You are still in an emotionally abusive relationship. 
The difference is you are the abuser in this one.


----------



## childress55 (Jun 2, 2011)

Wow, so I'm not alone. This is the second marriage for both my husband and me, and we've almost made it to 18 years. Both our first marriages were short and horrible, but his produced three wonderful boys. Sadly, the eldest two got into drugs and the eldest died of an overdose on New Year's Eve Day 2005.

In the beginning (he'd been divorced 4 years, me one), I thought he was SMOKING. In fact, a lot of days I still DO, except he has packed on 25 extra pounds I'd love to see gone. He was never picky about my body but thought I had a great ass. All this is a moot point because I believe that the lack of sexual intercourse since the birth of our only child, now 15, and the loss of my job (I'm now on disabilty for a severe bipolar disorder), AND now a new battle: anorexia, have erased any sexual feelings he might have had for me. We women ALWAYS underestimate how thin we think they want us. I am currently anywhere between 103-107 at 5'4", which with untoned muscles, looks bad at 55 years of age.

I'm rambling, I'm sorry, but if any of your husbands is willing to go to marital counseling, COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS! Mine outright refuses. He had a bad experience going with the first wife, I guess, and let's face it, he's just plain stubborn. He has a very mild non-chronic heart arrhythmia problem, but after getting the OK from two cardiologists, he STILL makes up excuses not to take Viagra or Cialis. We never were any great shakes in bed, and he never could kiss. I tried to show him how, but he just is terrible. I think part of my problem is that I had so many partners in my 20s, didn't get married for the first time till I was 28, and have two many GREAT lovers to compare him to. He is loyal, loving, intelligent and funny, but sex? And you can bet this girl has "lusted in her heart" more a zillion times by now. I feel so guilty about it, too!


----------



## Zaphod (Jun 1, 2011)

I have no idea what to say. I went from normal/skinny when we met to muscular and V shaped today. At one time she indicated that she liked guys that looked like that, and though I didn't pursue weight lifting in order to appease her, I did pursue weight lifting. Apparently, attraction has little to do with how one looks, and more to do with how one's spouse perceives them outside of looks. Not that looks don't play some factor, but it seems to be mental more than anything else.

Most other women I find are happy to take up the slack on flirting with me though, so it's not a total wash.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

With a little imagination, a little alcohol, and a functioning light switch, the homeliest husband can be Brad Pitt.


----------



## mathcandy (Jun 3, 2011)

I too identify with the OP and misssmiley. i'm not repulsed by my husband, in fact he is a very attractive man, but 7 years later, now in my late 20s, i realize that marrying someone with just an 'ok' chemistry/sexual attraction shortly after losing a father and a brother may not have been the best decision. What i am personally struggling with is not having that fire, spark and passion i'm now craving but have never had. He is a wonderful wonderful supportive man and is my best friend- i don't think i could ever ask for a better partner in life, but there is no fire. It's starting to really affect how i feel about myself and about him. It's really difficult to explain these things to others so i sympathize with the OP.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Math,
Does he lack an edge?

Does he lack it "in general" or does he have it with others but not with you? 

Is he ever playful and maybe even playfully rough with you? Have you ever tried to "teach" him any of that stuff? 

One of the hottest things about my W is that unpredictable mix of sugar and spice. 



mathcandy said:


> I too identify with the OP and misssmiley. i'm not repulsed by my husband, in fact he is a very attractive man, but 7 years later, now in my late 20s, i realize that marrying someone with just an 'ok' chemistry/sexual attraction shortly after losing a father and a brother may not have been the best decision. What i am personally struggling with is not having that fire, spark and passion i'm now craving but have never had. He is a wonderful wonderful supportive man and is my best friend- i don't think i could ever ask for a better partner in life, but there is no fire. It's starting to really affect how i feel about myself and about him. It's really difficult to explain these things to others so i sympathize with the OP.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I've never met a woman who's aversion to her husband hampered her ability to accept the proceeds of his labor.


----------



## Zaphod (Jun 1, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> I've never met a woman who's aversion to her husband hampered her ability to accept the proceeds of his labor.


:iagree:

Strange how that works isn't it?

Sorry, I'm feeling particularly bitter today for some reason, I'll try to put a leash on it.


----------



## CalmMarian (Jun 3, 2011)

miss smiley said:


> Wow-this describes my feelings towards my husband exactly. Has anyone had any luck drumming up the attraction? In my head, I do love him like a brother/friend. He is a great father. We may have let our relationship go on autopilot but I feel exactly as the original poster stated. My attraction to him was never "strong" and I believe I married him using my head vs. my heart. I had sex with him for years without the emotional connection but I can't it do anymore. I feel grossed out, used and as if I'm slowly losing myself. .


TOUGH PLACE TO BE IN! Been there myself a few times.

I like to imagine him as one of my favorite movie stars when I'm feeling that way. I know that there is less fighting and contention when the sex is present so sometimes I do it just for my kids. I often close my eyes and just enjoy the sensations.

I read a book also that helped me give him direction about how to just lay with me, caress me (again sometimes I had to close my eyes). It helped so much for me to actually be interested when I let him go further. Hope this helps, I'd be happy for your to private message me or continue here to work through your feelings.


----------



## CalmMarian (Jun 3, 2011)

Zaphod said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Strange how that works isn't it?
> 
> Sorry, I'm feeling particularly bitter today for some reason, I'll try to put a leash on it.




So we all do the best we can to keep functioning where we are.

Sometimes we even have to give when we don't get!


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

You don't sign peace treaties with your friends, do you?


----------



## CalmMarian (Jun 3, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> You don't sign peace treaties with your friends, do you?


Not with my friends but with my family members FOR SURE.

I see it that once you have married him he's family and I'd only leave because of abuse.


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

See the thing is, you don't have to negotiate with people you already get along with. It's everyone else you have stumble around with.


----------



## heartbroken1957 (Apr 8, 2011)

The relationship I was in prior to this one was an abusive relationship (mostly mentally abusive and shoving he didn't beat me or hospitalize me) and when I met the man who is now my husband even though I wasn't all that attracted to him he made me feel safe and he took care of me and I knew he wouldn't treat to me bad. I think this is why I married him. Does anyone have any suggestions?[/QUOTE]

My suggestion is you seek counsel. For yourself not as a marriage. 
What I see in your post is you seen him as a safe person and possibly now are feeling guilty as hell for using him.

 Each time you look at him you see ugly which to me means you are transfering your self image.  Fraudin BS if you wish. lol

Yes you can love him but you need to get yourself right to do so.


----------



## Rough Patch Sewing (Apr 18, 2011)

I'm with heartbroken1957 on the last post. Seek counseling and try have a marriage with your husband. However, if you lay it all down and tell him how you feel about him is he the kind of person who will do something about the way he makes you feel.

People need back bone, willingness to do whatever it takes to win and openness to truth to succeed in life. You are repulsed by your husband. Can he muster the strength of will and character to do what it takes to work out, eat right and take care of himself so that you are not physically repulsed by him.

If he does not take that kind of initiative, he deserves to be told what he must do to help you not be repulsed by him. He deserves that much!


----------



## Rough Patch Sewing (Apr 18, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> See the thing is, you don't have to negotiate with people you already get along with. It's everyone else you have stumble around with.


I don't know anyone on this green earth that I get along with perfectly. I do not think that such a thing exists.

It is the people that I really want to have a REAL relationship that I see fit to negotiate with. How can anyone have a real relationship, even with those he or she gets a long with "Fairly" well, without "give and take".

In life you can shine-on those you don't really care about in life, estrange those who you do care about because you are not willing to "give and take", or have true "give and take" for successful relationships.

There is one more scenario, those people who you are in a relationship with someone for whom they love, but for some reason the relationship is falling apart. Those who truly want to save that relationship will "give without the take" from the other person. 

For some, that is the beginning of the restoration of the relationship. It is an awesome thing when one's self sacrifice heals the hurts of the relationship and restores the proper "give and take" of a healthy relationship. This involves risk, putting your needs aside for the moment in the hopes of loving the person to to allow for healing of the relationship.

Even if he does not do what it takes to clean up, lose weight, go out on a limb and woo or romance you, would he be encouraged to do so if you showed him love enough for him to do so?

I believe in these things and think that a marriage is worth the work to see if it can work. If he is not abusive to you, then it is worth a try.


----------



## Rough Patch Sewing (Apr 18, 2011)

One last thing. Those Extreme Makeover shows with people who are over-weight, unattractive, etc. they prove that someone who is shall we say it, repulsive can do what it takes to get their life back, with new a new sense of attractive self confidence and body image.

If these people can do it then maybe your husband can too. 

People that tell you that you need a divorce without "trying hard to make it work the right way" (except if you are in danger being in the relationship) is from an over willingness to just give up. It may be tough and you may have gone through years of repulsion, but you will never see what could be until you try to succeed with an expectation of new happiness.


----------



## CalmMarian (Jun 3, 2011)

heartbroken1957 said:


> My suggestion is you seek counsel. For yourself not as a marriage.
> What I see in your post is you seen him as a safe person and possibly now are feeling guilty as hell for using him.
> 
> Each time you look at him you see ugly which to me means you are transfering your self image.  Fraudin BS if you wish. lol
> ...


I SO COMPLETELY AGREE!!!

Everytime I have issues with my husband I know things are messed up with me because when I go through phases of love and happiness of myself I am SO attracted to him!

My coach calls it "looking in the mirror" everything you feel for another is a reflection of what you feel for yourself.


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I guess I'm old fashioned, I don't care about 90% of the things I hear here. I don't think every little thing is worth discussing. People seemed to have lost the ability to simply let a lot things go.


----------



## FairSkies (Jun 6, 2011)

Very glad to see I'm not alone here. 

I've only been married a year and a half, and I feel myself pushing my husband into the friend zone. He is absolutely my best friend and I love hanging out with him, but I've lost my attraction to him already.

Yes, he's grossly overweight (I think about 330 lbs), but he was that way before we married. We knew each other and were close friends for about 3 years before we got together and then got married. 

I think one of the biggest reasons I have lost my attraction to him is because our sex life sucks. He claims at 30 (which he thinks is "old") he is no match for my 23-yr-old sex drive. Yes, I have a healthy sex drive, but never had these problems before. He rarely initiates sex, and I got so sick of doing it that I stopped initiating.

When we do have sex, it's short (10-15 mins is impressive) and boring. We had like three positions, until I finally told him I was bored and wanted to explore new things. We've added one or two since then. I've told him I think losing weight would help with his stamina, as well as other health problems he has, but he is not motivated. 

It's gotten to the point where I feel like sex is more work than its worth, and gently ignore his infrequent advances most of the time. I just want some passion and intensity in my life.

I'm starting to go crazy. I pine every time I see a hot man on tv. I had to squash a crush I had on a man I have a professional relationship with through my work.


----------



## heartbroken1957 (Apr 8, 2011)

FairSkies My H is heavy too. It really does affect their drive and energy. 
It's not the sex, you are missing passion and fun. You can start the passion by asking and telling him what you want. You don't have to have sex to feel passion. 
How about being sure that only food that will be diet healthy be in the house. Do a diet with him. Now that it is summer do some swimming. Make sure your swim suit is very discreet and covers well. That should make him feel better about you being there and not being ogled. 
Do things with another couple. Walking, Bike riding.


----------



## FairSkies (Jun 6, 2011)

Heartbroken, thanks for the tips. I'm going to try to implement some of them. Eating healthy is so hard, because even though I am currently at a healthy weight, I have a tendency to overeat, so when he suggests junk food/sweets/etc, I'm a sucker. And even though I'm at a healthy weight, I'd LIKE to lose a little. He usually agrees to eat healthy and then doesn't follow through. Our groceries, etc, are usually healthy, but then he wants to stop by the bakery, or grab ice cream, etc.

We bought bicycles ... and I've ridden like 2x; he hasn't taken his out at all yet. But I am trying to find ways to implement more physical activities. We'll see what happens from here!


----------



## annagarret (Jun 12, 2011)

If you can't stand to look at him naked and you get a creepy crawly sensation when he touches you, let him go to find a REAL woman who will LOVE his body and CRAVE his touch. He obviously trusted you and then married you to build a live with you. You are a very selfish woman.


----------



## Cam33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Interesting to read these posts. I can relate to wanting to love someone but finding them a turn off.

I have a really good man and I appreciate him so much. However he really does not take care of himself the way he should no matter what I say.

Trouble is though, I don't want to leave him. I could meet someone who was in better shapre, more well groomed but maybe we wouldn't gel as well or I wouldn't feel as relaxed in his presence.

It is nice to see people in similar situations. Well- maybe not "nice" for you but I am really interested in becoming email/ text buddies with anyone who wants to and who is in this situation. maybe having friends in a similar situation to commiserate with but also to enjoy the good times and reminders of what makes our man so great could help.

Will PM my number if you want it. Just message me x


----------



## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Question for you ladies who are not attracted to your husbands?

Is there anything he could do to make you attracted to him?
Change in looks.
Change in attitude.
Change in job.

What if anything.

What I'm getting at... is there an underlying resentment there?


----------



## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)




----------



## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> people do stupid things and then want a free pass these days


I think that's a bit harsh maybe.

I think the main reason is that people get needy and run to marriage looking to fill some void rather than bring a complete and happy self to a compatible partner.


----------



## Cam33 (Jul 20, 2012)

it's certainly true for me that when i met him, I was not attracted to him at all! And only liked his personality.

I think maybe we should have stayed friends. But in a way I thought friendship would be a better foundation as I was hopelessly attracted to my ex husband and he was very ambivalent towards me and it didn't work out in the end. 

So I picked someone who was more certain but now I am the ambivalent one. I was at a wedding last night and I thought I have to end my relationship because I know I do not feel for my partner the love I could see the Bride felt for hers.

But today I am back to thinking well, marriage is difficult long and hard and feelings change along the way. Why give up a good man if he is happy to be with you treats you well and accepts he loves you more than you him.


----------



## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

Cam33 said:


> But today I am back to thinking well, marriage is difficult long and hard and feelings change along the way. Why give up a good man if he is happy to be with you treats you well and accepts he loves you more than you him.


This right here... Is infuriating to read...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

...

Question, what do you do for a living? What does your husband do? In what ratio is household income split?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Maybe your husband feels the same way about you? Who knows.

That good feeling comes and goes away naturally. It's up to both parties to keep the spark alive. Also, these feelings you have are within yourself. If you were once attracted to your husband, I bet you can find that attraction again.


----------



## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Cam33 said:


> it's certainly true for me that when i met him, I was not attracted to him at all! And only liked his personality.
> 
> I think maybe we should have stayed friends. But in a way I thought friendship would be a better foundation as I was hopelessly attracted to my ex husband and he was very ambivalent towards me and it didn't work out in the end.
> 
> ...


I know you dont mean it to be...but this is one of the most selfish things I have ever read. It will be more difficult for you to let him go but in the long run he can find someone who actually cares about him. You dont and never did.

Sad. You think he doesn't know? Believe me...he can sense it.


----------



## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

sinnister said:


> I know you dont mean it to be...but this is one of the most selfish things I have ever read. It will be more difficult for you to let him go but in the long run he can find someone who actually cares about him. You dont and never did.
> 
> Sad. You think he doesn't know? Believe me...he can sense it.


But he might not have the self-esteem to do something about it despite sensing it... Which makes this a horribly handicapped scenario, one where exploitation becomes so natural she can shamelessly express it (last post) and not even realize how horrible the dynamic has become, like students in a war zone jotting down arithmetic without being distracted by gunfire because it's a natural part of life for everyone around.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

To the OP and others with similar views....

Do you know the definition of or feel like a fraud????

All those "FEELINGS" women are always talking about seem to
fall by the wayside when a free ride comes along....

A self respecting prostitute puts on a show of enthusiasm for her "john". Don't you owe the same to yours?

In the mean time, what do you do for your sexual needs?

Are you just frigid "cold fish"...If so, I think in a harsher more realistic world, your type of woman would be bred out of existance.......


----------



## feuillecouleur (Apr 13, 2012)

Wow, I'm in the same boat as the original poster and just posted a thread on sexual attraction awhile ago. Glad I'm not alone but still feeling lonely...


----------



## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Waiting4RightTyme said:


> I am in the same boat as asdfgh and Miss Smiley. I'm not attracted to my husband either, but it's not JUST physically - there's no attraction on ANY level. When we got married, I thought I was in love, but so much has gone under the bridge, and it's his personality that really makes him ugly to me. He has anger management problems, is lazy, is crude and rude, just a lot of stuff. No physical abuse, but some verbal and mean things are said between us. I'm no angel, but I do respect people, which he does not. I've told him 6 years ago that I'm not IN love with him, but we're still here in the same house. We have not made love in years. But he doesn't leave. He has nowhere to go, blah, blah, blah. His job doesn't pay enough for him to be on his own. The house is mine and my children's - not community property. He cannot be happy here, and I know I'm not happy at all. How do I get him to just leave????


What drug were you taking when you married this guy....

No woman could be attracted to such a PIG, so obviously you were under the influence of drugs, post hypnotic suggestion or a close relative was being held hostage....

Please enlighten us as to the reason you said I DO!!!!!


----------



## Jonathan35 (Feb 28, 2013)

Every man should read this before considering getting married. And then not get married. A lot of women (more than half in my experience and knowledge) feel this way within a few years of getting married. But they stay, and make the man's life miserable, because they are enjoying the comforts of either (1) duel incomes or (2) being able to not have to work. If you don't marry them they will not become this way. Knowing that all you have to do is pack their stuff and tell them to leave the house (no divorce, alimoney, etc.) will prevent this scenario. Going years in a loveless, sexless marriage is mental cruelty. It is a way she is punishing you. A power grab. It's the only weapon she has and she is firing it at you point blank. Don't let her do it. Divorce her if you are married. If you are not married, do not, under an circumstance (child, pressure, etc.) get married. This woman's husband needs to walk and never look back. Life is to short to live with someone that hates you.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

whammy said:


> Wrong! (well, right about the moving on part)
> sexual attraction can not grow from being in love with someone because you would be never be in love with that person in first place because you are not sexually attracted to them.
> 
> ive said it before and ill say it again while stories like OP's prove me right time and time again. being in love is ENTIRELY dependent on sexual attraction.
> ...


Terrible.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## FLGator (Mar 26, 2013)

I feel sorry for the OPs husband. Obviously it is totally different for Him and He is living in ignorance of this. 

It would probably kill Him, His ego, and his pride of He knew the woman He loved and Married is repulsed by His touch and kiss. 

Please tell this man it isn't working. Break it off. Be fair to Him like you want to be fair to yourself and be able to be happy. 

Don't cheat, don't do anything without handling this first.


----------



## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

I find it slightly humorous that a thread started 2 1/2 years ago by a one-hit-wonder poster keeps getting dug up from the grave and is now on five pages.

Anyways...makes for a good discussion about sexual attraction and the negative assumptions made thereof. I have complained about my loss of sexual attraction to my H here plenty. He's gained 120 lbs and is constantly complaining about every little ache, pain, bowel irregularity, discomfort, you name it. But looking deeper, even before my H gained so much weight (it's hard to remember him being thin except looking at our wedding pics), within the first year of marriage, he became angry, hateful, resentful, and emotionally abusive towards me. I did nothing blatant to provoke it...he just flipped on me. So...looking back, I see that my loss of sexual attraction to him started way before he gained so much weight. Who wants to have sex with a prickly cactus? The 120 lb weight gain and subsequent dampers it has put on our lifestyle sure aren't helping. 

To the posters who say that women conveniently hold on to marriages like this to selfishly reap the "benefits of his labor"...words cannot express how angry that makes me. You have a very shallow view towards women and towards marriage in general if that's how you feel.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Waking up to life said:


> I find it slightly humorous that a thread started 2 1/2 years ago by a one-hit-wonder poster keeps getting dug up from the grave and is now on five pages.
> 
> Anyways...makes for a good discussion about sexual attraction and the negative assumptions made thereof. I have complained about my loss of sexual attraction to my H here plenty. He's gained 120 lbs and is constantly complaining about every little ache, pain, bowel irregularity, discomfort, you name it. But looking deeper, even before my H gained so much weight (it's hard to remember him being thin except looking at our wedding pics), within the first year of marriage, he became angry, hateful, resentful, and emotionally abusive towards me. I did nothing blatant to provoke it...he just flipped on me. So...looking back, I see that my loss of sexual attraction to him started way before he gained so much weight. Who wants to have sex with a prickly cactus? The 120 lb weight gain and subsequent dampers it has put on our lifestyle sure aren't helping.
> 
> To the posters who say that women conveniently hold on to marriages like this to selfishly reap the "benefits of his labor"...words cannot express how angry that makes me. You have a very shallow view towards women and towards marriage in general if that's how you feel.


He probably has no idea that a majority of his health problems are due to the weight gain. Likely the libido is down to it as well and is more depressive than he would be.

Maybe you can help him see the light in that he will improve his life so much by getting that under control..


----------



## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

treyvion said:


> He probably has no idea that a majority of his health problems are due to the weight gain. Likely the libido is down to it as well and is more depressive than he would be.
> 
> Maybe you can help him see the light in that he will improve his life so much by getting that under control..


He knows his weight gain is causing him to not feel well...he's just in complete denial about it. 

As for 'helping him see the light', you're preaching to the choir here. Believe me, I've done everything I can do to help him. See my post here: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/69454-not-attracted-fat-wife-2.html#post1534010.


----------



## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Waking up to life said:


> He knows his weight gain is causing him to not feel well...he's just in complete denial about it.
> 
> As for 'helping him see the light', you're preaching to the choir here. Believe me, I've done everything I can do to help him. See my post here: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/69454-not-attracted-fat-wife-2.html#post1534010.


I'm right there with you Waking


----------



## vegasruby (Apr 30, 2013)

chillymorn said:


> people do stupid things and then want a free pass these days


If marriage is based on emotion it is shaky. Emotions are fleeting. If I married guys I had bigtime emotions for I would have been divorced many times.


----------



## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Waking up to life said:


> He knows his weight gain is causing him to not feel well...he's just in complete denial about it.
> 
> As for 'helping him see the light', you're preaching to the choir here. Believe me, I've done everything I can do to help him. See my post here: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/69454-not-attracted-fat-wife-2.html#post1534010.


I read your story, and the first thing that comes to mind with your husband is not laziness. It's depression.

Something happened all those years ago that completely turned him into what he is today. He is not aware of what it is. He knows he's unhappy. He knows he's fat.

Right now he's getting temporary comfort out of eating and not exercising. But long term pain.


----------



## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

sinnister said:


> I read your story, and the first thing that comes to mind with your husband is not laziness. It's depression.
> 
> Something happened all those years ago that completely turned him into what he is today. He is not aware of what it is. He knows he's unhappy. He knows he's fat.
> 
> Right now he's getting temporary comfort out of eating and not exercising. But long term pain.


Yes, he's depressed. I've told him that many, many times over the years. Plus he's Bipolar 2, which is mostly a depressed state with occasional periods of hypomania. He's not seeing a psych about this anymore. Hasn't actively treated it for a few years. Dabbles with taking his medicine off and on (which his primary care doctor had been refilling for a while). 

One night, in the most depressing conversation we had after going to MC that night, he told me he felt so rejected by his parents, his siblings, that no one really wanted him around, and now he feels like our son and I also are rejecting him because we don't seem to be as close to him as he'd like. It was a LONG painful conversation about how lonely, rejected, and sad he has felt his whole life by "everyone". I told him that clearly (to me anyway), he's depressed and he needs treatment by a psychiatrist to reevaluate his bipolar 2 and maybe try some different medications. 

Do you know what his response was? He said, "I don't know why you think I'm depressed." :slap: I said, "Um...because of what you just got done saying about feeling sad, lonely, rejected, etc?" 

I have tried to talk with him gently and in a caring way about his depression SO many times over the years. I was the one to first get him to go to the doctor about 12 years ago because he was so irritable and hopeless about life, I was afraid I'd come home one day to find him dead by self-inflicted injury. I made the appointments, I went with him to see the doctor, I read up all about his bipolar 2 and the medications he was prescribed. I did EVERYTHING to try to help him. 

But now we're back to the same boat...chronic depression of which he is in complete denial. There is no question he eats to soothe himself. When he's really stressed from work, he'll eat a big dinner, then a couple of hours later, he'll have a "snack" like a huge bowl of peanut butter with chocolate chips stirred in...or a big plate of Doritos with cheese melted all over them. (And to anyone who dares to blame his eating habits on the fact that I have a bag of Doritos in the house...well, let's liken it to the common phrase "guns don't kill people, people kill people." He didn't gain 120 lbs because I buy Doritos on occasion.) 

In our last "real" conversation (beyond the superficial daily talk), I told him that he has no concept of how much his depression that he doesn't think he has affects so many other things...his chronic pain, his weight, his energy, his ability to deal with stress, not to mention the impact it has on our son and I. He ended up saying that maybe I should also consider seeing a psychiatrist to evaluate my own mental processes because I'm unhappy with our marriage when there's nothing to be unhappy about...I'm _choosing_ to be unhappy, he said. Again...:slap:


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

People with things like BP can be very difficult to deal with. Sadly you will either continue to become more and more his caretaker as he makes your life misserable, or you will leave him. For someone in denial like him there is usually no middle ground.

Do you think that he would get the help he needs if you tell him that you are leaving him if he does not?


----------



## Visual1 (Apr 16, 2013)

We all have one life to live. Life is short. if you are not attract to your husband, then get the f out of his life. Sorry, If my wife has this feeling. I would be gone ASAP.


----------



## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> People with things like BP can be very difficult to deal with. Sadly you will either continue to become more and more his caretaker as he makes your life misserable, or you will leave him. For someone in denial like him there is usually no middle ground.
> 
> Do you think that he would get the help he needs if you tell him that you are leaving him if he does not?


I think he _might_...at least for a while, until he felt he had lulled me back into believing he was trying to care for himself. But as soon as I would let down my guard, he'd gradually go back to his old ways. That's because his motivation would only be from a frantic effort to avoid losing me, not because he truly valued the need for proper treatment.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Waking up to life said:


> I think he _might_...at least for a while, until he felt he had lulled me back into believing he was trying to care for himself. But as soon as I would let down my guard, he'd gradually go back to his old ways. That's because his motivation would only be from a frantic effort to avoid losing me, not because he truly valued the need for proper treatment.


I agree that this is what happens in most cases. So then, assuming that nothing will ever really change.. and it might very well only get worse; what do you want to do with your life?


----------



## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Visual1 said:


> We all have one life to live. Life is short. if you are not attract to your husband, then get the f out of his life. Sorry, If my wife has this feeling. I would be gone ASAP.


I really cant argue with this logic.


----------



## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

This thread should be miles long


----------



## Horsa (Jun 27, 2012)

Well, as a husband at the other side of the road, it did ruin my pride, my self esteem and my heart when I finally realized that my DW was like OP. Married me for the securities and love that I provided her, after her last abusive relationship. She was never attracted to me, and will surely never fell in love with me.
At least I get the truth from her.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Horsa said:


> Well, as a husband at the other side of the road, it did ruin my pride, my self esteem and my heart when I finally realized that my DW was like OP. Married me for the securities and love that I provided her, after her last abusive relationship. She was never attracted to me, and will surely never fell in love with me.
> At least I get the truth from her.


Why could she not fall in love with you?

Looking back, knowing these facts, do you think there was anything you could have done to change this perception?


----------



## Horsa (Jun 27, 2012)

Well, attraction isn't math. To fall in love, you need to be attracted to someone. Surely there are things I could try, but I will never know whether it will work or not. Right now, I am just happy being myself, and taking care of my self and my children. She can stay or walk away, that's her call, I just don't care anymore.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Horsa said:


> Well, attraction isn't math. To fall in love, you need to be attracted to someone. Surely there are things I could try, but I will never know whether it will work or not. Right now, I am just happy being myself, and taking care of my self and my children. She can stay or walk away, that's her call, I just don't care anymore.


Does she even like or admire you?

If she likes or admire you, you could try having sexual intercourse if you are not. It's a fact that repeated sexual interactions causes bonding in humans. However if she is repulsed by you, this probably would not work.


----------



## Horsa (Jun 27, 2012)

treyvion said:


> Does she even like or admire you?
> 
> If she likes or admire you, you could try having sexual intercourse if you are not. It's a fact that repeated sexual interactions causes bonding in humans. However if she is repulsed by you, this probably would not work.


I don't know if she like or admire me, although she said she does. We still had sex 3x a week. She admitted that her best orgasms happened with her last ex-BF that she love, and at first I tried all my best and learned a lot more trying to match him. But there's nothing I could do without the attraction and love chemistry. I could give her 5 squirting orgasms that she admitted feels more physical, but not as deep as her best ones with him. Her ex never gave her any squirting one. I could give her 2-3 multiple clitoral orgasms in a row when PIV, her ex can only gave her one, yet those with me never came close as deep as she felt with her ex. 
He could drove her crazy for him while he never went down on her, I could only drove her wild if I teased her slow and long.
So right now I just don't care anymore, I gave her one, then I rush for mine.
And yes, sex does bound me to her more, though I don't if it also happens to her or not.


----------



## dfl2013 (Nov 30, 2013)

I am where these ladies are, feel absolutely the same, no attraction, no respect, just plain out dont feel anything for him. I think in my case it has started out that I dated a lot of ass holes and when he came along, he seemed nice, things moved too quickly for my liking and before I knew it he was living with me never to damn well leave but I went with it (I had my own home, he had just left his wife so hey, I was a catch) - but Ive obviously found out things along the way and he has been so deceptive - long story, but in my own case, I dont respect him so how can I feel any attraction to someone who is so weak, deceptive, such a pu55y and complains and whinges about every ache or pain. I do not look at him like he is a "man" as I feel like Im the mother here, the one protecting this family therefore he is well and truly in the friend zone, which I cant seem to see a way out of. I loathe his touch, I see him naked it revolts me - I feel sad for him in some respects because he knows I dont love him, I wont have sex with him, I wont kiss him and he wont leave - he just threatens me with selling my home (I had before I met him and got by myself being a single parent) he threatens to see me in Court and holds this over me to keep his ass here I guess, so no I cant see any attraction ever growing for someone who is holding me ransom so to speak. So I think, if you place someone in the friend zone, child zone, father zone, then you lose all need for wanting something more like intimacy from them - thats just how I feel it is for me


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

dfl2013 said:


> I am where these ladies are, feel absolutely the same, no attraction, no respect, just plain out dont feel anything for him. I think in my case it has started out that I dated a lot of ass holes and when he came along, he seemed nice, things moved too quickly for my liking and before I knew it he was living with me never to damn well leave but I went with it (I had my own home, he had just left his wife so hey, I was a catch) - but Ive obviously found out things along the way and he has been so deceptive - long story, but in my own case, I dont respect him so how can I feel any attraction to someone who is so weak, deceptive, such a pu55y and complains and whinges about every ache or pain. I do not look at him like he is a "man" as I feel like Im the mother here, the one protecting this family therefore he is well and truly in the friend zone, which I cant seem to see a way out of. I loathe his touch, I see him naked it revolts me - I feel sad for him in some respects because he knows I dont love him, I wont have sex with him, I wont kiss him and he wont leave - he just threatens me with selling my home (I had before I met him and got by myself being a single parent) he threatens to see me in Court and holds this over me to keep his ass here I guess, so no I cant see any attraction ever growing for someone who is holding me ransom so to speak. So I think, if you place someone in the friend zone, child zone, father zone, then you lose all need for wanting something more like intimacy from them - thats just how I feel it is for me


Why don't you tell the man. Of course the actions speak loudly, make sure he heard you. It's pretty heartless to do that to someone.


----------



## dfl2013 (Nov 30, 2013)

I have absolutely told him how I feel. You dont think I have tried? I told him I felt trapped and why, also telling him where I thought a lot of my anger and insecurities came from, then half an hour later he threatened me with the thing I just confided in him was my biggest fear, why? To stop me asking him to go - you threaten someone with taking the home from them and yeah you have them at ransom. I have tried in so many ways to get through to him, from writing letters, sitting down and talking to him but he really doesnt seem to hear me or acknowledge at least he gets me, he just minimises all my feelings as hanging on to old **** (I found out he had cheated prior to our marriage and after I sold my home to start a new life with him nearly a year ago now but found out weeks before we married). I can forgive the cheating, its not that, its the betrayal around asking for his name to be on a title as half share in something he didnt put half share in to knowing at the time he was cheating and if I knew this prior to signing this document and selling my home he would have been well and truly gone, but Im now feeling trapped and this is something I explained really clearly to him but he isnt hearing me. I know his ex wife had a hell of a job getting him to go, he hangs in there until you despise each other, I dont want that and he knows this but at the moment, he has me by the short and curlies as he is holding the threat of my car and house over my head and taking half. Its a mess. I am trying marriage counseliing as who knows what it might uncover but at the end of the day, the physical attraction isnt there, it hasnt grown, god I have tried believe me.


----------



## emilie_breteuil (Dec 2, 2013)

miss smiley said:


> Wow-this describes my feelings towards my husband exactly. Has anyone had any luck drumming up the attraction? In my head, I do love him like a brother/friend. He is a great father. We may have let our relationship go on autopilot but I feel exactly as the original poster stated. My attraction to him was never "strong" and I believe I married him using my head vs. my heart. I had sex with him for years without the emotional connection but I can't it do anymore. I feel grossed out, used and as if I'm slowly losing myself. So I told him I couldn't do it anymore and, all of a sudden, now- after yrs of telling him I don't feel emotionally connected, he asks if we're ok. What?! Now I have resentment thrown in the mix. I always knew that if I continued giving sex, he would think all was well and now he is confirming it. I told him I've been telling him for so long now that things are not ok- why has he not wanted to discuss it before? His reply: "No one likes to bring up negative things"
> Anyone out there ever felt the same way and have a success story? I think in my heart, it's over - but still hold hope for my kids.


Yes, sort of. I am kind of going through this in a way. I used to be turned on by him easily but now it takes alcohol and an absent mind. However, in my case, my H seems to repulse me because he complains if he doesn't get it daily, is and was always insecure, is pretty easy to upset, and I am always walking on eggshells because of his temper and insecurity. I'm not sure what to do. We haven't been married that long. But, I think it has to do with the resentment. It's like living with a needy woman. I don't see him as much more than a father figure because he has gotten to be less and less of a buddy and more of a judgmental moody b!tch/jerk. It's now cyclical -> I don't see him in the same light anymore and I don't want it as much. But if I don't do it every night, he makes the house a pretty unpleasant place to live in. So, we're going to need counseling.


----------



## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

DFL2013 - out of respect for him and indeed yourself, do the honourable thing and leave the marriage.


----------



## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

what a terrible terrible topic. I wonder if my wife thinks this of me at times. am I just her life support system. providing her with emotional and financial support while she abhors me in the sack. The potential for human leeches is disturbing...why do people string people along in this way? The poor husband who genuinely loves his wife and finds her attractive sexually and ploughs love money and time into a dead relationship unaware of the futility of it.. Excuse me while I wallow in self pity.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Marriedand40 (Aug 19, 2013)

asdfgh, bluebird20, Fairskies and Waking up to Life!!

Thank you for your honesty. It's nice to hear a woman be honest for a change. Women deserve a man that takes care of himself just as much as a man deserves a woman to take care of themselves too.

Huge weight gain is unacceptable nowadays. We all love a hamburger but in moderation. Paleo diets, Atkins diets, yoga, pilates, running classes, etc are all available to everyone at different times.

If you have a woman like you ladies who watch their figure, and here are these men letting themselves go, why would these women want to go down on these men and want them near them?? They are human as well. If appearance isn't important to either of you than that's fine but to these ladies, their looks are important, and so should it be to the men. 

The men should step up to the plate to save their marriages.

I admit I get jealous when I see numerous women in their 40's and even 50's with more muscle tone and slimmer physiques than my wife. 

No doubt these women are bummed out when they see attractive men staring at them and flirting but they are stuck in a marriage with a man who doesn't care. 

Good luck ladies. I hope your men change.


----------



## Want2babettrme (May 17, 2013)

Zaphod said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Strange how that works isn't it?
> 
> Sorry, I'm feeling particularly bitter today for some reason, I'll try to put a leash on it.


I'm right there with ya fellas. 



Ladies, just a reminder, your hubbies may feel the same way about you. Think about it a little. The next post might be your boring husband writing in about his unappreciative and disengaged wife. Wouldn't you feel hurt to be reading that?

You say your husbands are such great guys, support your family, share in housekeeping and parenting duties, and still desire you sexually after year of marriage. Why is it so hard for you to see them as the heroes they are? 

We are worth so much more than duty sex. And we can replace you just as easily as you can replace us. Maybe easier.


Feeling a touch bitter tonight.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

soulseer said:


> what a terrible terrible topic. I wonder if my wife thinks this of me at times. am I just her life support system. providing her with emotional and financial support while she abhors me in the sack. The potential for human leeches is disturbing...why do people string people along in this way? The poor husband who genuinely loves his wife and finds her attractive sexually and ploughs love money and time into a dead relationship unaware of the futility of it.. Excuse me while I wallow in self pity.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


*** slap ***

Stop that crying you big baby, sack up and man up. Understand what you are up against. The best thing you can do for your life is to grab the bull by the horns and implement a Athol Kay MAP strategy.

Right now as it sets, every time you give, every time you support, every time you are nice to your wife... You lose some attraction points. They start to look at you as weak and easy, even though you are acting within your maritial role.

I hope she is not dosing cheating ontop of it all.

You have to realize if she's just going to use you, that you can do better.

I think the best way to get someone to act right is for them to be aware you have options and you can step out at any second.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Want2babettrme said:


> I'm right there with ya fellas.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Stop complaining about it and do something about it. Even the mental thought and mental weakness and degredation behind knowing that you are in this position weakens you and dilutes your attraction signal.


----------



## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

treyvion said:


> Stop complaining about it and do something about it. Even the mental thought and mental weakness and degredation behind knowing that you are in this position weakens you and dilutes your attraction signal.


I understand this 180, athol kay, man up stuff. I truly do. But if real life were as simple as implementing ideas in a self help book nobody would be going through these issues. Everybody would have this thing solved.

Sometimes these situations are more complicated. 

I don't think a man can truly ever gain respect in the eyes of his wife when she loses attraction for him. Either leave, cheat, or stay in your own personal hell.

I'm in option number three because I chose this life. Sucks but whatever.


----------



## Daisy10 (Nov 10, 2013)

There are plenty of marriages that survive because neither partner is sexually attracted to each other anymore, so it's equal, but it's unfair to stay in a marriage where you are unattracted to your spouse, but your spouse is still attracted to you. In these cases, someone needs to initiate a divorce, so you both can find happiness. Nothing's going to change otherwise.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

sinnister said:


> I understand this 180, athol kay, man up stuff. I truly do. But if real life were as simple as implementing ideas in a self help book nobody would be going through these issues. Everybody would have this thing solved.
> 
> Sometimes these situations are more complicated.
> 
> ...


Sometimes cheating can gain respect. Athol Kay was not meant as a small change, but it gives the motivation to overhaul your life, and if the wife doesn't like it you let her go.


----------



## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

treyvion said:


> Sometimes cheating can gain respect. Athol Kay was not meant as a small change, but it gives the motivation to overhaul your life, and if the wife doesn't like it you let her go.


It's a screwed up world to advocate cheating as a way to gain respect. Look at the CWI section and all the pain and suffering in there. it isn't right.It doesn't fit the code I try and live by.

I struggle to come to terms with the consumerist view that if your wife isn't perfect you should 'just get a new one'. 

Is this why divorce rates are so high? Is cheating just 'getting a new one' before you have gotten rid of the 'old one'?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Aule (Aug 20, 2012)

nader said:


> It seems really cruel to marry someone you are not physically attracted to. Forget about money, security, personality, etc. Why would anyone want to do this, EVER?


Tradition!

For time out of mind Jewish couples were matched by matchmakers paid for by the parents. Money, security,
personality were actually the primary traits for successfully
rearing the next generation of children whose main duty
was to maintain Judaism.

Believe it or not, it was the same in the Dark Ages
period. Children were the property of the Roman 
paterfamilias, and if he saw an advantageous alliance
then his word was world.

The concept of romantic love is only three centuries old.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

soulseer said:


> It's a screwed up world to advocate cheating as a way to gain respect. Look at the CWI section and all the pain and suffering in there. it isn't right.It doesn't fit the code I try and live by.
> 
> I struggle to come to terms with the consumerist view that if your wife isn't perfect you should 'just get a new one'.
> 
> ...


Thats what they'll do to the husband. Although they will still let the work horse provide emotional and financial stability while they are out gallavanting with the new race horses.


----------



## Want2babettrme (May 17, 2013)

treyvion said:


> Stop complaining about it and do something about it. Even the mental thought and mental weakness and degredation behind knowing that you are in this position weakens you and dilutes your attraction signal.



I am. I moved out six weeks ago. Saw the lawyer back in the summer. She knows I've got the paperwork started. Her big display of willingness to work on the marriage lasted all of...oh...five days. Then everything went back to being my fault, my failures, my character defects, my lack of contribution to the marriage. And my income that has been supporting this stay at home mom.

Scr3w dat.


----------



## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

sinnister said:


> Either leave, cheat, or stay in your own personal hell.
> 
> I'm in option number three because I chose this life. Sucks but whatever.


So why do you chose to option 3 ? What to you feel ties you to it ?


----------



## The Cro-Magnon (Sep 30, 2012)

So, are there actually any men out there sick in the head enough to do this to a woman, the way so MANY women seem to be doing to men out there? (Let's be honest, this IS women doing this)

I just lost over ten years of my life to a total piece of sht like the OP.

She never loved me ever, and was happy to stand by watching me fall apart wondering why no matter how hard I tried why I couldn't win her love.

It was because she had deluded expectations, and was (and still is, despite all better judgement, and life experience) in love with her "bad boy" 1st boyfriend that she was highly sexually attracted to.

Honour, integrity, faithfulness, honesty, hardwork, being a good father, true love, etc, none of it means anything in the end to modern women. Sexual excitement from "a s s holes" eclipses all of that.

Really depressing thread, since I have just lived this.

I would not advise any man to get married, and I would ask/implore women to stop acting like selfish cnuts, and stop wasting the lives of honest men. You want to be harem member #7 of some "badboy"? Then piss off and do that! That good man you feel nothing for but who adores you is NOT your fcuking SLAVE! You don't own him! If you don't want him, have the courage of your convictions and LET HIM GO to take what is "rightfully yours", whether that means porking your married boss, or being the booty call harem member #14 of some aloof badboy or whatever. Just do it already, and set him free.

You think your husband isn't picture perfect because age has dared to afflict hm, or he isn't shredded & handsome like brad pitt? Well, have you women taken a look in the mirror lately? I bet none of you are oil paintings yourself.

Fcuk my life, what is wrong with women....


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

soulseer said:


> It's a screwed up world to advocate cheating as a way to gain respect. Look at the CWI section and all the pain and suffering in there. it isn't right.It doesn't fit the code I try and live by.
> 
> I struggle to come to terms with the consumerist view that if your wife isn't perfect you should 'just get a new one'.
> 
> ...


I was advocating cheating in a WAS situation because of "world rules" and understanding how "image" works.

Wife built up this new poor harmless image of you where she is the "mother" and she needs to get her fill met, but she will LET you take care of her. Since you are there in pain and not getting your needs met, over time she is making herself believing you can't get the sex either. She's out there eating the $hit sandwhiches the "world" feeds her and thinking it's gold while she ****s on Mr good and reliable.

The cheating creates parity, and also changes your image as a sexless doormat who won't do anything, to someone who has options and acts upon them. Also while they have made themself beleive you can't or you won't cheat, it shocks them as in "HOW COULD HE!", they get infuriated and competitive and it completely defies logic!

Some of the stuff in the affair world and the WAS / BS dynamic are not common sense at all, but once you've been around it you start understanding how it works. I've been studying for over 7 years now...


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

The Cro-Magnon said:


> So, are there actually any men out there sick in the head enough to do this to a woman, the way so MANY women seem to be doing to men out there? (Let's be honest, this IS women doing this)
> 
> I just lost over ten years of my life to a total piece of sht like the OP.
> 
> ...


Stop complaining and do something about it! If she wants to eat the $hit sandwhich the world is advertising "cheat on your man and get ahead", then let her.

Find yourself, and then find women who share the same romantic fantasies as yourself.


----------



## memain (Apr 13, 2016)

unbelievable said:


> I've never met a woman who's aversion to her husband hampered her ability to accept the proceeds of his labor.


Funny... I've never met a man whose aversion to his wife hampered his ability to accept the proceeds of her vagina.


----------

