# I need advice from ladiess



## embreez

Before i start, some people will say I’m a psychopath and i shouldn’t even be mad about this... but different people, different opinions. 

My my husband and i have been married for two and a half years. When we were just dating, i found porn on his phone. I told him i hated it, it makes me feel disrespected, it feels like another form of cheating, and i wasn’t comfortable with it. We were having sex when we were just dating, so i didn’t see the need for it, anyways. He said okay, said he would stop. That was pretty much the end of it. Fast forward to when we were engaged, i found it, again. I left. He called frantically and we eventually made up. Whatever. After we were married about a few months, i found it once again. I told him if i ever found it again, I’m done. I hate it. It’s disgusting. I just don’t want to be in a relationship with him if he needs that. Wellllll....... just the other day i found it again. I told him, last time i told you I’m leaving if i ever find this again. He cried. Pleaded. Apologized. All the shabang. I told him i don’t know what i want to do and that I’m hurt and i can’t believe he would do this, yet again. I keep telling him he’s just going to keep doing it just like he has, he goes a year or more without it then watches again. I just don’t understand. He swears up and down it won’t happen again. He needs me. He can’t lose me. Whatever. He signed up for a 12 step program and deleted all social media, which he never did before. I just don’t know what to do. We’re only two years in. I’m still young and i don’t want to be this young and divorced but i also feel so stupid if i stay because i said i was done if it happened again and i just don’t know how i will trust him again. We just signed a new lease. I just quit my job to try and find a better one. Like it couldn’t have happened at a worse time. I love him with all my heart and he is my very best friend but i just cannot take this. Even if he watches it once a year, i just hate it. He can have sex with me and if I’m not enough then we shouldn’t be together anyway? Right? What should i do? 😞


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## MattMatt

> I just quit my job to try and find a better one.


Why did you do that? :scratchhead:


Why does he use pornography? Is he interested in a particular type of pornography?

You keep setting a boundary. And he ignores it. And the next one. And so on.

What do you want out of this situation?


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## Cletus

Oops. Not a lady.


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## Faithful Wife

Cletus said:


> Oops. Not a lady.


When I read this, I read it to the tune of Dude Looks Like a Lady.


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## uhtred

Its up to you to decide what matters to you.

Based on history he is going to keep watching porn. If you can't be happy with that, you should divorce. When you divorce is up to you.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

Also not a lady but I thought I should point something out:



embreez said:


> We’re only two years in. I’m still young and i don’t want to be this young and divorced...


Your age should not be a decision factor here. Can he or can he not live within your boundaries....or....are you willing to compromise on your boundaries are the relevant questions. If the answer to both is "no," then you age doesn't make any difference. 

Also, consider that getting divorced gets more difficult the longer you go, so if you're going to do it, the sooner the better.... especially since there are not yet children involved. Ask yourself do you honestly think either you or he are going to be any different in 5 years? 10? 20? Do you want to be in your 40s or 50s looking back at having spent your life with someone who doesn't share you values?


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## Livvie

He knows, and has known, how strongly you feel about porn use. Yet still used it, again and again.

No man HAS to view porn. Men managed to stay alive before there was TV, tapes, computers, internet, phones.

Only you know if you can stay married to someone who- looks like- will watch porn sometimes.


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## StarFires

His response is typical - beg, plead, cry, make promises, and then do it again because he never had any intention of stopping. The only thing he wanted to stop was your complaints and then he wanted to stop you from leaving. But himself he can't manipulate like he manipulates you.

What you found out is what nonsense it is to make threats. Just like him, you don't want to live up to your promise.

I don't think you're a psychopath but I don't know why you have such a big problem with him watching porn. Unless it affects you or your marriage in some way, what's the harm? I would not appreciate my husband watching porn and then coming to me for sex because that is nothing but objectifying. Does your husband do that to you? Does he expect you to perform like the women in videos? Is he disrespectful to you the way women in pornography are disrespected? Does he not have sex with you because he spends his sexual energy on the videos? Does he want sex with you more often because the videos got him riled up? Are you or marriage affected in any way? If not, then I think your reaction is common but maybe consider it isn't all that terrible that he watches. If you are affected, then I think you should live up to your promise to leave him. Either way, he's never going to stop.


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## 269370

embreez said:


> Wellllll....... just the other day i found it again.



Stop looking for it. And your problem goes away. Is he still having sex with you...is the question that matters.

Yes, sorry I’m a guy. Why are you only asking ladiess??? They are (usually) not the ones that watch all the porn.



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## aquarius1

InMyPrime said:


> Stop looking for it. And your problem goes away. Is he still having sex with you...is the question that matters.
> 
> Yes, sorry I’m a guy. Why are you only asking ladiess??? They are (usually) not the ones that watch all the porn.
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Lol I was wondering that too. I guess it depends on what effect it’s having on the marriage. And it’s not so much the porn, but the lying and covering up that would bother me. 
I know this person is not into porn, or I would suggest she watch it with him >


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## 269370

aquarius1 said:


> Lol I was wondering that too. I guess it depends on what effect it’s having on the marriage. And it’s not so much the porn, but the lying and covering up that would bother me.
> 
> I know this person is not into porn, or I would suggest she watch it with him >



I’m pretty sure the OP is written by a guy.
‘Fast forward’ is an expression mostly used by one particular character...
If it’s not then I do apologise. But my advice still stands.


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## embreez

MattMatt said:


> I just quit my job to try and find a better one.
> 
> 
> 
> Why did you do that? <a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/smilies/scratchhead.gif" border="0" alt="" title="Scratchhead" ></a>
> 
> 
> Why does he use pornography? Is he interested in a particular type of pornography?
> 
> You keep setting a boundary. And he ignores it. And the next one. And so on.
> 
> What do you want out of this situation?
Click to expand...



We moved. I didn’t have the chance to transfer with the company i am with, i also have wanted out of the company i was with and we were in a great position to do this at the time. 

Personally, i don’t know what i want from this situation, anymore. I love him to death. But just feel betrayed. Ya know


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## embreez

InMyPrime said:


> embreez said:
> 
> 
> 
> Wellllll....... just the other day i found it again.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Stop looking for it. And your problem goes away. Is he still having sex with you...is the question that matters.
> 
> Yes, sorry I’m a guy. Why are you only asking ladiess??? They are (usually) not the ones that watch all the porn.
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Click to expand...


I am not sure why i asked for just ladies, as i would also love opinions from men. 

Yes, we still have sex, very often. But... i just hate the fact he looked at porn after i asked him not to.


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## embreez

aquarius1 said:


> InMyPrime said:
> 
> 
> 
> Stop looking for it. And your problem goes away. Is he still having sex with you...is the question that matters.
> 
> Yes, sorry I’m a guy. Why are you only asking ladiess??? They are (usually) not the ones that watch all the porn.
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
> 
> 
> 
> Lol I was wondering that too. I guess it depends on what effect it’s having on the marriage. And it’s not so much the porn, but the lying and covering up that would bother me.
> I know this person is not into porn, or I would suggest she watch it with him <a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/TAMarriage_2015/smilies/tango_face_devil.png" border="0" alt="" title="Devil" ></a>
Click to expand...

We have tried watching it together! He said he felt ashamed about it and hated doing it. 🏼 I just DONT UNDERSTAND lol


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## Pinksapphire

He can’t give it up.on his own. It is sad to say but so many people are caught up in this type of addiction. He needs treatment for this and it will be a life long issue. I’m so sorry you are going through this. Only you can decide if you can deal with this long term.


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## 269370

embreez said:


> We have tried watching it together! He said he felt ashamed about it and hated doing it. 🏼 I just DONT UNDERSTAND lol


Shame can be sexually arousing...Maybe he feels ashamed because he knows you are judging him....Paradoxically, if you stop noticing or be bothered about it, it's more likely he will get bored/stop watching it. Have sex while you watch porn...I don't think anyone just _watches_ it (for the story line?  .That would be weird...


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## embreez

InMyPrime said:


> embreez said:
> 
> 
> 
> We have tried watching it together! He said he felt ashamed about it and hated doing it. 🏼 I just DONT UNDERSTAND lol
> 
> 
> 
> Shame can be sexually arousing...Maybe he feels ashamed because he knows you are judging him....Paradoxically, if you stop noticing or be bothered about it, it's more likely he will get bored/stop watching it. Have sex while you watch porn...I don't think anyone just _watches_ it (for the story line? <a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/smilies/smile.gif" border="0" alt="" title="Smile" ></a> .That would be weird...
Click to expand...

We did have sex while we watched it. I even suggested we do it again because i wasn’t opposed to it. But then he went on and on about how he didn’t like it and he felt ashamed blah blah


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## 269370

embreez said:


> We did have sex while we watched it. I even suggested we do it again because i wasn’t opposed to it. But then he went on and on about how he didn’t like it and he felt ashamed blah blah




Sounds like you are wearing the strap on in this relationship....
And that he has hang ups about porn. And you have (mild) control issues having to check on whether he kept his word 
And I am getting more and more obnoxiously annoying.
There...everyone has issues now. Welcome to life! 


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