# Horizon - from the trenches



## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

Hello friends - well, it does feel like a minefield. I have done the things I promised myself - more work, fitter etc etc....but....I have had a very slow recovery. On the one hand I got out there amongst it, so to speak, but on the other I could not fully get this creep out of my mind. I had to accept that this snake would always be with me in some way - despite my improvements. We're talking two and a half years since DDay ! 

I had broken well clear of my relationship as reported but after many months things happened and, well, yes, we tried again. But there was no fanfare and well...it didn't work. I'm not surprised. So that died on the vine.

To be honest the one true thing through this has been my plunge back into depression. My ex WS and that f**king snake were and are second fiddle to the dreaded black dog. I have had to do an honest inventory and the truth is I am pretty sick . A functioning depressive I have termed it.

But I am trying - I am here to tell you that I will not give up - even though I feel like topping myself most weeks. I will have to get back on the drugs, much as I hate them. So friends I am still here, in the ring and swinging. Just wanted to say hello and tell you the truth about where I am at.

Be well good people - thank you for your help.


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## nursejackie (May 22, 2015)

Horizon- I am so sorry you are in that black hole. 

Please get some support now, today. Call your dr and start on some meds as well as asking for some counselling. Today. If you feel like you might hurt yourself go to emerge. There will be better days ahead you just can't see through that big cloud yet.

I don't know what you were on before- but the fact that you are hesitant to go back on it tells me it wasn't a good fit for your depression. I was on effexor for a major depressive episode and I hated it. Recently I went on Wellbutrin.(and talk therapy) It made a difference in motivation and confidence almost immediately. Suddenly I looked around and saw that the dishes needed doing, could lose some weight and take up some new hobbies. It was such an improvement that I asked if I could remain on it for the rest of my life. 

The worst thing you can do is nothing and unfortunately with depression that is the easiest thing to do.

It seems to me that quite a few TAM members suffer or have suffered from depression so there will be lots of understanding support here. Keep posting. Hang in there my friend


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Horizon, I am sorry to hear that your journey to recovery has been long and that you are struggling with depression. I see depression in a similar way to other health care issues, like BP. WHat I mean is that it is treatable. NJ provides a good example of how changing meds made a positive difference. I have seen this many times. If your meds are not working or are causing an unwanted side effect- discuss that with your doctor. There are options for treatment.


See your doctor and find a treatment plan that works for you. Continue your path to recovery. You are moving in the right direction. Keep us posted on your journey.


All the best
WD


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## truster (Jul 23, 2015)

Good advice from NJ.. there are many different depression drugs, and they all work for different people. If you hate your meds, try a new one. The bad news is that trial and error is the only way, but the good news is that there are lots of options to try, so you'll probably find one that fits you just fine!


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

Thank you - yes, I am going back on the drugs. You may not be aware but I have type 2 Diabetes and it is a weird disease. I am much fitter but the bouts of depression are exacerbated by the Diabetes fatigue and visa versa.

I definitely flipped back into depression earlier this year when I discovered a communication between my ex WS and a bloke she knew long before my time. I even met the bloke at 2015 new years day drinks when he was visiting Sydney. All this when we were supposedly re-building.

Shortly after that there were exchanges of FB private messages between them. Fond memories of long ago unrequited mutual attraction etc. And then out of the blue this weasel recommends that my ex WS visit a website called 'newbienudes'. So, I can't help myself, I go there and have a look and wouldn't you know it, there he is in all his glory. 

The old friend of my ex WS is featured many times holding his d**k in his hand. He had told my ex that he was taking a risk by asking her to go to the site and would understand if she unfriended him - but that he 'just doesn't like clothes' !

Well I couldn't help myself again. I friended him myself on FB and when he replied I let him have both barrels. And with that he disappeared.

I noted that prior to this my ex WS had replied to him that no 'unfriending' was necessary. In other words we're still friends. Whether she scoped him out or not didn't matter. It just sealed it one last time. She was never going to unleash on this bloke and tell him how inappropriate it was etc. It's just who she is. She likes having that private world of 'harmless titillation' and possibilities.

You might think it is not that much in the scheme of things and considering what I have been through but it really hit me hard. You know - this world is a sick f**king place. Whatever happened to love and loyalty. No one seems to have any class. That prick looked me in the eye when I met him that one and only time and came across as all 'hail fellow well met' BS and he was just another cheating filthy scum bag.

I have truly had it with these low life's among us.

Rant off


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