# Trying to get a grip on what to do



## marjaf6366 (Sep 23, 2011)

Hello, I am new to this site . I have read many posts, and answers, and actually found one that almost states exactly what I am going through. I am currently seperated, wife's choice, after three years of marriage. It is not a legal seperation and the divorce word is not being thrown out there. This might get long, but I am lost, confused, and hurting. For both of us , this is our second marriage. My wifes family told me in the beginning that they have never seen their daughter so happy in her life, and she has been through a lot . Three years later, the story has turned for the worse, though I still have hope and pray daily for guidance for both of us . I have been through infidelity and substance abuse from my first wife of 18 years. My second marriage has drinking and pain meds involved and it has taken over . My wife has ex-boyfriends, ex-fiancee's in her life. Though they live in another state, and have been told that I have nothing to worry about , they are just friends, I still worry . One friend is her ex-fiancee, that has talked to me over the years, telling me to relax and has been a guide, and I would say my contact with him is once every 6-8 months . ( this BTW has become a NO NO from my wife.... I am NOT TO have ANY contact with HER FRIENDS ) -- RED FLAG ??? Maybe with this gentleman, no, because when I found out that my wife asked if she could come out and see him one weekend, i was told that she was told .... " the only way that is going to happen is if his current girlfriend and my wife got to know each other first, so that his girlfriend can feel comfortable about this visit .......... " how is that for boundary setting ? funny how my wife asked if it was ok to come out and see him, and in the same breathe asked him if he was involved with anyone, and if he was, she would understand . So you respect his girlfriend but not your marriage ? I tried to talk to my wife about this, but hey that turned into a major war of me distrusting her . Well along came another guy and she went to go see him, she was open about it, and I said go ahead, 16 hours later she came home, and she went on a defensive mode, promising nothing happened, and I have to trust her. Well that was five months ago, and that re-kindling of friendship died immediately, after I found out that drinking was involved, and little lies ( she said to protect me because she knew what I had been through in my first marriage. and did and does not want me to think ANYTHING was going on ... ) I told her that I could not trust that totally, as I had overheard her 2 1/2 hour phone conversation with this guy from the past the week before and heard all the innuendos, yes she did admit that she stepped over the line during the phone call and was very sorry , but assured me that their meeting was nothing sexual . They have not seen or spoken to each other since. Well the drinking continued, so I put my foot down. Her answer was , bye I need time away from you. I do have a jealousy issue, that I am getting counselling for, all due to first marriage, and seeing patterns repeating themselves. All this , oh he is a friend, and I have to have trust . Ok I get this. I understand that when we grow older, and when we get married a lot of ex-s go away, and contacts diminish, since we did commit ourselves to each other. I have learned that there should be NO restrictions placed on friendships male or female and that goes for both sides. You cant just get married and cut everyone off . We have to learn to trust each other in that area. There is more and i dont know how much room I have. We have been seperated for 3 months now, we still see each other once a week for either one or two days, we have tremendous sex and there has never been an issue with that area . When we are together we do not fight about anything, yet we don't touch the subject getting back together, it is like tabu to her. She knows that I go to counselling and therapy, she won't go and I know I can't force her to go. I can't force her to go the her own therapy, or seek help for her drinking or addiction to pain meds, all I hear is she wants to go, she has been looking into it , yet with her work schedule in the medical field it is hard for her . She is lonely and seeks company, all her family lives nearby but that is not the company she wants all the time . Well 2 months ago, a friend told me that she found my wifes pictures on single dating websites, 3 of them, though she is not a member . I addressed this with my wife and I became the super spy for finding out and all she wants is to make friends and talk about football, well honey you forgot the one last sentence on one of the sites, looking for friendship, laughter, and the possibility of love . HMMMM ... she has shown me bank statements, credit card statements that she is not a member and actually killed her profile on one of the sites. funny thing is we met on-line . The other sites to this day are still up but inactive since i brought this up . She had found another guy on line thru one of these sites and talked with him for 2 hours ( local guy ) , they set up a date , after I was told she was tired and had to go to bed .... I let that one slide because nothing ever happened, the emails stopped, the calls stopped, the date never happened and she does not even know I know about that one. Well , low and behold there is now another ex-friend she is talking to . She made mention of going to a football game 2 fridays ago and I said ok. she said she was going alone , I said ok with whom, she said I am not telling you where and with whom. I dont want you following me . She didnt go, instead we hung out and talked and well had some fun that night. A few nights later she was talking about it again, and I mentioned the mans name and she lost it . I reminded her that she had spoken of this friend over a year ago and nothing ever came of it . Well now it is full on ! Last week she did not want to go , and today she wants to go . I said well with the therapy and counselling I have been getting, why not , I trust you . The hardest thing for me to say, because these last 3 years she has told me many things about different men in her life and the ins and outs. I cannot force her to NOT go, I DO HAVE to trust her that she KNOWS the boundaries and any advances made by this man , she knows how to say no ( and she says she does ) , yet I do know what alcohol does , I am NOT dumb, and have been around the world enough to know . Last night she told me, that she was going, and I told her go ahead its ok, have fun, see you after the game or the next day, and the next thing I hear , is that she does not think she is going . Ping pong , I do not know what to think, what to say. Here I am saying go, go have fun. You have made the demand that I let you go on your own and to trust you, and I have said go for it . i DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO OR THINK ANYMORE . I love her today as I did when we walked down the aisle in front of a giant family and friends and made my vows. I have never been unfaithful, and even though we are seperated now, these thoughts of looking for old friends, or even going on dating sites would not and have not crossed my mind . I made a committment and I intend to abide and obey.


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

mar I am left awstruck with this. Some of this has similarities to others stories and well I can identify with parts of it. In all honestly you say you have trust issues, well I think anyone in your situation would have some trust issues. I know you took your vows seriously as did I but if the other person dont take them just as serious then its time to look at other options.


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## marjaf6366 (Sep 23, 2011)

Lostouthere said:


> mar I am left awstruck with this. Some of this has similarities to others stories and well I can identify with parts of it. In all honestly you say you have trust issues, well I think anyone in your situation would have some trust issues. I know you took your vows seriously as did I but if the other person dont take them just as serious then its time to look at other options.


well according to my therapist, counselling, and church counselling, it is ok to have friends of opposite sex, and i have to learn to trust that my wife does the right thing, in the long run, if this friend is an ex that she had intimate relationships then i have a right to bark, and i have a right to expect boundaries . i just get confused reading here and there, you put boundaries then you are trapping your spouse, or am i reading this wrong ....


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Boundaries are healthy in a relationship and you definately need to lay some down. Some friends are fine but discussing personal things or even drinking with them in the absence of you is not a good thing. You are not trapping your spouse at all by having boundaries. I mean would she be willing to allow the same behavior from you? I dont think so


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## marjaf6366 (Sep 23, 2011)

Lostouthere said:


> Boundaries are healthy in a relationship and you definately need to lay some down. Some friends are fine but discussing personal things or even drinking with them in the absence of you is not a good thing. You are not trapping your spouse at all by having boundaries. I mean would she be willing to allow the same behavior from you? I dont think so


No and she has told me so, flat out will question it . Yet I am NOT allowed to question her ???? I am not to speak, text, call, email, any of her friends and she explicitly told me not to involve her side of the family. I really don't know what to think, I am really blaming this on the drinking and the excessive use of oxi , and praying that she wakes up, before she kills herself , she keeps saying she is going to get help, but her form of help right now is looking in the past .


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Thats got to be tough. Keep your head up if she will not get some help you need to go ahead and leave this alone. Cannot help people unless they want to help themselves. Maybe some other people will be by to offer some more advice.


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## marjaf6366 (Sep 23, 2011)

Lostouthere said:


> Thats got to be tough. Keep your head up if she will not get some help you need to go ahead and leave this alone. Cannot help people unless they want to help themselves. Maybe some other people will be by to offer some more advice.


You know how much i love this girl of mine ? Twice i have been over to her apartment to save her life ! Once at 2 am , and drove 60 miles to make sure she wasnt bleeding to death ! I am going to talk to my in-laws this weekend and just lay it out there , she is not fit to be out there, she is going to mess herself up even more , and destroy any dreams that she may have . I cannot have this on my mind any longer, and have to disrespect her wish as she put it " Dont you dare tell anyone in my family or any of my friends !!!! "


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

Marf, you say you've saved this person's life twice due to poor choices on her part? And she's abusing alcohol and oxi? Sounds like excellent wife material. If you are okay with her going out on dates with other guys, well, it takes all kinds to make the world go 'round. 

And its important to acknowledge that that's what's going on. Your WIFE is going out on DATES with OTHER MEN. Repeat that as many times as you need to. 

If you are okay with your wife dating other men, you will get exactly what you deserve out of life. 

If you are not okay with your wife dating other men (BTW, that includes having hot steamy secks with them too), then you might look at this "separation" as a Godsend, and run away very far and fast and never look back.

On a side note, anyone who tells you that its okay for your wife to remain friends with other men she's slept with in the past, and that you need to be okay with that, is either evil or stupid. And if you accept that they are right, you will get exactly what you deserve out of life.


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## marjaf6366 (Sep 23, 2011)

Notlikeyou : A note to your last statement , no one has told me that it is ok for my wife to stay friends or even bring them back into her life if she has slept with them in the past . This was the biggest red flag that my therapist told me , that is a NO NO . The church said the same thing ! Those men do NOT BELONG BACK IN her life as long as she is MARRIED.


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