# Guys, need your input re my husband's actions



## tx_wife_08 (Apr 27, 2009)

Hello forum,

It would take a long time to explain all the details of my 13 month marriage and the chaos I've been through but I won't go there now. In summary, my issues are that my husband seems to be very controlling, very insecure and jealous. Prior to him and I dating and being married, I was friends...ONLY friends...with guys and girls alike. But he doesn't like the fact that I had friends that were male and made me ditch them. He doesn't communicate with me the way I feel like a married couple should do, and when I bring up our communications issues (I know I'm also guilty of some things here), he gets angry and storms out and ends the conversations with "I'm just a failure..." He has been married twice before me, the first time to a woman who cheated on him and the second woman was bipolar, certifiied crazy. So I feel personally I am being made to pay for their sins instead of a clean, fresh start with him. He did do marriage counseling with his last wife in a last ditch effort to save his marriage but when I mentioned counseling to him for us, he doesn't want to go (he says we're on too tight of a budget to spend $15/week or whatever for counseling). He says he would never cheat on me and honestly, I don't know that he wouldn't. I think he could be capable of it. Recently, I had a hunch something wasn't right and went into his facebook account and found that he had sent a friend request to his first wife, the same woman who cheated on him 15 years ago. He even went as far as finding another woman and asking her if she was his ex wife's sister. 

Please tell me....am I over reacting or is there something else to this that I should be aware of and dig further into? He told me months ago that he wanted to find his ex wife's father because they were good friends and his health was failing then (some 15 years ago) but if they were that good of friends, wouldn't they have stayed in contact?? I don't buy his excuses. Any advice or similarities that you all have would greatly be appreciated.

Thanks.


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

Some guys are just controlling and jealous by nature (or from past experiences) and others are controlling because they are hiding something. Neither is right, but you need to figure out which one it is because handling the issue is very different depending on which one it is. 

What does he do that is controlling and jealous? What are some examples that he has done?


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## elattoo (Jul 4, 2009)

Agree with GPR, and it sounds more like he's hiding something. He seems to be wandering a bit, trying to fill a void and hoping you would do that for him. He needs help. From what you wrote here, it sounds like you are doing your part to help him, but maybe he's too inwardly focused and frustrated with life to notice.

You know your husband best, but I think the Facebook activity is suspicious. You should find a way to lovingly confront him about it and ask what he's hoping to find there. Even if his intentions are innocent, it's a slippery slope to go down. "Harmless" chatter with the ex could lead to venting, reminiscing, and online intimacy. May not, but that's the tendency, IMO.

Kevin

Refining Marriage


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## tx_wife_08 (Apr 27, 2009)

Well, I do appreciate your input and sugggestions. I still have not confronted him but beat around the bush and asked him how I would find someone if I were to look them up. He asked me who I wanted to find and I didn't answer him. That night, while he was in the shower, I checked his facebook again and his friend request for his ex wife was gone. He had deleted it. 

Part of me believes he is happy or content - he acts that way most of the time. But there is a part of me that believes it might all be an act. Should I still confront him or should I wait until something more significant takes shape?


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## tx_wife_08 (Apr 27, 2009)

See, that is what I've thought to myself and being so analytical, I try to justify things. Some examples are:
1) when I was working (on bed rest due to pregnancy), I made the comment about opening my own checking account. He got angry, said we needed to pool our money together (which I didn't disagree with) and that if I wanted to open an acct. separate from him, it means I am hiding something.

2) before he and I got married, I had a close network of friends and one of those happened to be a guy. I never hid the fact that he and I were friends but my husband became jealous and angry and said he didn't trust me because his first wife, the SAME woman he is trying to find, cheated on him behind his back and because of that, he doubts I am just friends with this guy. I ended up losing a good, Christian friendship because of my husband. Yet he can email former girlfriends and their sisters - because they're friends - and he doesn't see anything wrong with it. He is two faced, I feel.

3) Our sex life used to be phenomenal. Spontaniety is a thing of the past. The new has worn off, I guess. But there are times that we individually are in the mood and the other is not. When he is too tired, I think nothing of it. If I don't fork it over, he rolls over and mumbles under his breath that I must be getting it from somewhere because I'm "sure as hell not getting it from him." So I feel like I'm forced into sex just to prove that I'm not cheating on him. But he doesn't dare do the same for me, even the one time I sort of threw a fit just to give him a dose of his own medicine. 

4) He wants to know where I'm going, who I'm going with and he gets a little angry when I don't answer my cell phone the first time he calls. Yet when I give him the same treatment, he makes a joke of it. 

So after these few (there are still a few more), what do you think?


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## NothingMan (Jul 16, 2009)

tx_wife_08 said:


> See, that is what I've thought to myself and being so analytical, I try to justify things. Some examples are:
> 1) when I was working (on bed rest due to pregnancy), I made the comment about opening my own checking account. He got angry, said we needed to pool our money together (which I didn't disagree with) and that if I wanted to open an acct. separate from him, it means I am hiding something.
> 
> 2) before he and I got married, I had a close network of friends and one of those happened to be a guy. I never hid the fact that he and I were friends but my husband became jealous and angry and said he didn't trust me because his first wife, the SAME woman he is trying to find, cheated on him behind his back and because of that, he doubts I am just friends with this guy. I ended up losing a good, Christian friendship because of my husband. Yet he can email former girlfriends and their sisters - because they're friends - and he doesn't see anything wrong with it. He is two faced, I feel.
> ...


Hi!

1.) Typically people who accuse thier partner of "hiding" something are, in fact, hiding things themselves. It isnt always the case, but with this fellas track record id say the smart money is on him hiding things from you.

2.) As a baptist man myself I don't like the fact he forced you to end a friendship. Two things though, if he has indeed come from a relationship where he was cheated on, I have to have some sympathy for him. Been down that road myself and it takes years to fully heal the heart from something so devastating, so I can see why he may be a bit leary of "friends." I also feel like God would want you to put your marriage first, in which case you have done so. It's sad to lose a friend but worse to lose a marriage. My wife has many friends who are men in her industry. I have had only one scenario where I had to step in and say something before things happened. To this day she thanks me because she now see's what I saw in this man and realizes that a couple of hours and a few glasses of wine may have caused irreparable damage to our marriage.

3.) My sex life, in my own marriage, is pretty much nonexistant. The times we do have sex is after weeks of me begging. And really, it's not much fun to have sex with someone who doesnt want to have sex with you. Im still working on this issue myself and if we have any breakthroughs, ill let ya know.

4.) Check his cell phone records. Anyone who is this susicious of someone they are supposed to trust with their life, heart and everything else, is hiding something. This is basically alot like point number 1. 

Good luck

John


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

The next question would be, have these things (other than the sex which you stated) been pretty much the same all the way through your marriage or has there been a change?

My wife had some of the same issues with me. She had some horrible past relationships and had serious trust issues from it. She was jealous and controlling, but in more of a passive-aggressive way. She would get sad instead of mad, because she knew I hated seeing her sad, I would give in to her. Her past relationship had messed with her to the point (as I just put in another post in another thread) that she would actually get upset with me if I did NOT get jealous of her. She thought me not being jealous meant I didn't care. She would actually purposely TRY to make me jealous to get a rise out of me, because it was re-assuring to her in some way. Maybe this is somewhat of what your husband is doing??? Who knows.

She got over it eventually and is MUCH less jealous herself and a lot more trustworthy. The best thing is, don't "fight back" or "Give him a taste of his own medicine". That will just make it worse. But definitely make it known that what he is doing to you is hypocritical compared to what he made you do in the past. It is a communication problem, but don't just say, "Hey, we have a communication problem" You need to take it upon yourself to get him to communicate. Ask him very specific and direct questions. Not the "what are you feeling right now" stuff. Guys that have communication problems will only give you an "I dunno". 

As far as jealousy from the previous relationship. Basically it's a really tough balance of standing up for yourself but taking it easy on them at the same time. What worked for me is, I would always tell my wife... "I understand why you get jealous, but I'm not [insert name of ex], and you are going to have to trust me." I wouldn't do things that would put a lot of worry. Like I wouldn't go to the strip-club if I was invited to a bachelor party. But if it was something like playing some cards with some buddies, I would go, then send her texts through the night. Let her know I was thinking of her, and it would help. Now, after a lot of work, she trusts me more than ever. I actually went to a strip club for a Bachelor Party a few weeks ago with her permission, which would have been unheard of when we first got together. The only ground rule was no lap dances, and then obviously don't be doing stupid crap. I kept up my side... she was fine with it. Actually, I think was almost proud of herself that she made it through it.

Anyway, that was a bunch of babble. The final thing is, come right out and talk to him.


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