# Should I let it go?



## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Hi everyone,

My husband and I were separated for a year, but now we are living together.

Prior to our separation, I lived with his family. His older brother paid the mortgage and my husband paid all other expenses - meaning at the end of the day, he had nothing left in his bank account. It all went toward supporting the household. I felt that his brother was controlling where we lived and how my husband spent his money. When I'd ask to move out due to the intolerable living situation (unhappy with so many people in 1 home), my husband refused, which is why we separated.

During our separation, I supported myself and my 2 year old daughter. He chipped in $200 a month. I very intensely felt that his family was taking advantage of him financially, and he was letting them, since he continued to pay household expenses while not supporting his wife/child financially.

We are together now. He pays the rent and daycare expenses. I pay for groceries and remaining bills. He sold the house that he used to live in: half the money went to his brother and half to my husband since they owned the home jointly.

I assumed my husband would take his share and put it into his own personal account. I found out that he opened a joint account with his brother and dumped the funds there.

When small expenses come up - $500 here, $200 there - he asks me to loan him money. This makes me upset because I tell him he has thousands upon thousands saved up in a joint account with his brother, yet has no access to use them. He should be using his money to make up any shortage, not asking me to cover it.

I am upset because I feel like his brother continues to control my husband financially...and my husband continues allowing him. I feel they are afraid that my husband and I have an unstable relationship and worry I might divorce him and take his money. Our relationship most definitely is unstable but I wouldn't take his money. Also, it's turning in to a self-fulfilling prophecy: he put his money in a joint account with his sibling to "protect" himself financially, but it's causing marital problems and continued resentment/mistrust issues.

Not to mention that when I first found out about him opening a joint account with his brother, I was VERY VERY upset about it, and demanded he remove it and put it into his own account that nobody else has access to (since he won't put it into a joint account with me). He said he would, but I know he won't - it's been over a month.

Is this a big deal? Am I justified in making it a big marital issue?


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

OP, there are too many people involved in your marriage. Your marriage is not going to able to stabilized itself until, all others leave you and your H alone. Your husband is hiding his finances because he is unsure what is going to happen in your marriage. He is not sure himself. 

You have to figure out knowing all of this, do you still want to stay married? Because if you do, then, you have a lot of stuff that you need to pack into a box and leave there. 

Stop giving him money, if he needs it, say you don't have it. Start putting your money away and protecting yourself. I don't think you guys are going to make it. Too much water under the bridge. Protect your self. 

So much protection on both sides, the marriage is left wide open.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Additional info: I have no way of knowing if the account is joint with his brother...it might belong solely to his brother.

Also, I have intense anger/resentment against his entire family because they were the reason my husband and I separated. So it hurts doubly so that he's entrusted what should be OUR money, to them.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Yep, I remember.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

I wouldn't let it go.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

brooklynAnn said:


> OP, there are too many people involved in your marriage. Your marriage is not going to able to stabilized itself until, all others leave you and your H alone. Your husband is hiding his finances because he is unsure what is going to happen in your marriage. He is not sure himself.
> 
> You have to figure out knowing all of this, do you still want to stay married? Because if you do, then, you have a lot of stuff that you need to pack into a box and leave there.
> 
> ...


I have not loaned him any money - I refused both times. 

I have been trying to figure out if I want to stay married. I think it would be a much easier decision if, like you said, they just left us alone! But they are interfering financially, as well as expecting my husband to spend way too much time with them (he sees them almost every day). These two things make it very difficult to see him as an independant, strong and capable adult. 

If he would set limits with his family, I'd want to be with him. As it is, I love him a lot - but what he does hurts me a lot as well.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Sometimes, you just have to cut your loses. My MIL lives across the street, I swear she is stalking me. Every time i go outside she knows. Sometimes, I act like I didn't see her. 

These people are going to be around for a long time. Until they die. I don't think you can wait that long. You are not going want him if he leaves them behind. Because he is going to always blame you forever, you will never be in peace. 

So, since you cant live with everything that has happen and how he is around his family, you have to decide to leave. He is just doing everything to make his family happy and you happy. He is being torn into two. 

Go find your happiness by yourself.


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## vox.populi (Aug 8, 2013)

LET IT GO!
LET IT GO!

Sorry about that CIW was getting too intense. I needed an outlet.


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## afab (Jul 28, 2015)

It looks like your marriage wont last. So he is protecting his money that you shouldnt have access to it. You say you love him. I find this hard to believe unless love means something else. You now say you dont even know if it is a joint account. 
I think you should discuss this with an accountant or divorce lawyer how to make sure and impress on your H that you wont take his money which you say you dont want. That seems to be the core of the problem. Until it is solved you wont be happy. 
There seems to be no trust between you. A marriage cant work like that. He trusts his family and not you. You call it 'our' money but he doesnt see it that way. Have you any reason why you have to stay with him. After you 'left' what made you go back? You seem to be capable of supporting yourself.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

I realize he is being torn in two, and he is trying to make everyone happy. I know that I cannot separate him from his family (nor do I want to do that) - all I want is to be "normal". To me, "normal" means visiting your family for a day once a week, and ensuring your finances are your own or joint with your spouse - NOT with your siblings or parents. It means putting your focus on your wife and child(ren), not your parents/siblings.

I'm trying to determine if I can let these things go, and accept them peacefully over time and build a good life together. Or not. It's difficult because I love him and also, I feel guilty about divorcing him. I know he'd be devastated. I realize his actions caused us to get to this point, but I still feel guilty. Knowing my daughter will lose her parents being together, is also hard.

I have a counselling session this weekend: my first. I hope it helps.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

afab said:


> It looks like your marriage wont last. So he is protecting his money that you shouldnt have access to it. You say you love him. I find this hard to believe unless love means something else. You now say you dont even know if it is a joint account.
> I think you should discuss this with an accountant or divorce lawyer how to make sure and impress on your H that you wont take his money which you say you dont want. That seems to be the core of the problem. Until it is solved you wont be happy.
> There seems to be no trust between you. A marriage cant work like that. He trusts his family and not you. You call it 'our' money but he doesnt see it that way. Have you any reason why you have to stay with him. *After you 'left' what made you go back?* You seem to be capable of supporting yourself.


Oh my...lots of things. 

I didn't want to live my life thinking "what if" we had gotten back together. We split because we lived with his family and we had no independance and I was being verbally/emotionally abused...when we got back together, it was in our own apartment where it was just us, and the verbal/emotional abuse on his part had stopped. So I wanted to see if our life could be good together, knowing the root of the problem (living together with his family) was resolved. But the root of the problem was not that...it was that he's not independant. It continues to be a problem today. Also I was being pressured by my parents to give him a chance and "not ruin" my life by getting a divorce. And the normal fears of divorce (will I ever love again? will I feel lonely forever? I want more kids...I want my daughter to have siblings) also prevailed. Not to mention that I still love him. I just know love is not enough.

It's also important to mention that, I actually told him not to move in with me. I said it's too hard to reconcile, I don't trust him, I can't forgive his family, I can't forget the past, it's better to move on. He literally literally literally begged me not to end our marriage and said "give it time, it will get better with time".


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

vox.populi said:


> LET IT GO!
> LET IT GO!
> 
> Sorry about that CIW was getting too intense. I needed an outlet.


lol...Due to my internal turmoil I didn't even realize the title of my thread is one of the most annoying songs ever!


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

I'm terrified that if I do divorce him, he will have our daughter half the time.
That his family will encourage him to fight for custody, and I will end up wishing we'd stayed together just to be a full-time parent to her.


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## Skate Daddy 9 (Sep 19, 2011)

Will he have to pay Capitol Gains Tax if he does not put that money into another house soon? Sounds like he is married to his brother and not you.


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## afab (Jul 28, 2015)

Thanks. You write you dont 'trust him' so why should he trust you? Youre really staying married for the wrong reasons. Its for fear of being 'not' married. I am not saying you should divorce, and I am sure you can, if you want make a go of it but there doesnt seem the 'will' on both your parts. May one ask why is he staying in the marriage? How do your parents and his family get on? Ask your H to come on here. I am sure we here can do a better job than your counselor and a lot cheaper.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

afab said:


> Thanks. You write you dont 'trust him' so why should he trust you? Youre really staying married for the wrong reasons. Its for fear of being 'not' married. I am not saying you should divorce, and I am sure you can, if you want make a go of it but there doesnt seem the 'will' on both your parts. May one ask why is he staying in the marriage? How do your parents and his family get on? Ask your H to come on here. I am sure we here can do a better job than your counselor and a lot cheaper.


He will not go to counselling with me, so asking him to come on here for advice is a no-no for him. He'd be offended that I suggest it, and also offended if anyone "criticized" him, and angry that I'm going online with our marital issues. The only reason I'm comfortable coming online with my issues is due to anonymity. He won't see it that way.

He's staying in the marriage for the same reasons - fear. He says he loves me. Also, the idea of being away from our daughter is hard for him.

So, he's continuing to do things that make me upset (spend too much time with his family etc.) and ignores my anger. Hoping eventually it will subside.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> Hoping eventually it will subside.


Orange, you know this is not going to eventually subside. It hasn't subsided yet in all this time you've been together.



Orange_Pekoe said:


> He will not go to counselling with me...
> 
> So, he's continuing to do things that make me upset (spend too much time with his family etc.) and ignores my anger....


So how about this... instead of hoping and waiting, why not issue a firm set of BOUNDARIES...

As in, "Husband, these are the things I NEED in order to remain in this marriage. If you are unable or unwilling to meet these needs, then we must part ways, as in divorce."

Then list your boundaries (whatever they are):

1. Couples counseling
2. Reduced time spent with family (spell out EXACTLY what this means... i.e. number of days, number of hours, whatever)
3. Transparency regarding finances
4. Etc, etc.

Barring that, I just don't see how you can make this work. As others have stated, you cannot stay in a marriage simply out of fear. It will slowly eat away your soul, and his.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

happy as a clam said:


> Orange, you know this is not going to eventually subside. It hasn't subsided yet in all this time you've been together.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I know. I agree. I have tried to tell him this in the past, but it turns into an argument. Any time I've brought it up since, he either doesn't understand or doesn't care. He simply says "I love you a lot", or ignores my concerns, hoping it will pass.

Of course my negative feelings won't subside.

I know for a fact that even if he agrees to spend less time with his family, he will resent me for it, therefore nothing will improve in terms of positive feelings for each other.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> He literally literally literally begged me not to end our marriage and said "give it time, it will get better with time".


Ok, so you've given him time and he has ALREADY betrayed you and put his family ahead of you.

Nothing has changed except that you don't have to live with them.

IIWY, I would say "either you go to therapy with me twice a month for at least the next 12 months or we are divorcing." And then follow through. And if he agrees to go, go ahead and invite his family and your family to attend at least once or twice.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> I know. I agree. I have tried to tell him this in the past, but it turns into an argument. Any time I've brought it up since, he either doesn't understand or doesn't care. He simply says "I love you a lot", or ignores my concerns, hoping it will pass.
> 
> Of course my negative feelings won't subside.
> 
> I know for a fact that even if he agrees to spend less time with his family, he will resent me for it, therefore nothing will improve in terms of positive feelings for each other.


Resentment: That is what is counseling is for.

Boundary: Without consequence is worse than a waste of time. It demonstrates that you are all words and no action. He can do whatever he wants. You won't do a damned thing.


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