# I need some serious advice/tips for my marriage!



## momma90 (Jun 30, 2012)

I've got 2 children with my husband. I really want to be with him and raise our family together. I really don't feel like a wife, I feel like a slave and I'm tired of it. I have tried talking to him but he gets mad and starts saying I'm always on my computer or something just to get the attention off of him. My husband expects me to keep the house clean, take care of two children, keep the laundry washed (including his uniforms), keep the animals from stinking, make a perfect meal every time I cook, bring him his food and drinks, etc. He want me to do it all. He works 3 days a week as a security guard. Which he gets the sit down the work shift. He does do paperwork and check on other guards 1 out of 3 days. The other days he gets to sit down and push a button to open a gate all day. Not to mention when he is on top of the mountain, he watches youtube, play internet games, ect. while at work. If he loses something, most of the time his reactions are: "you all better quit taking my ****", or "what did you do with ____?", etc. He always blames us. When he is at home, he sits down and plays games all day on his computer. He throws his trash in the floor and stacks his dishes all over the couch/side table, and then blames me when the house gets dirty. When I clean, I pile up the trash bags in the room that leads to the carport, my husband will not take them off until the side of the room is overfilled with bags or until we can't walk in there anymore. We always get maggots on our bags and then he gets mad and says it's my fault for piling up trash bags. If I don't clean the house he says it is my fault the house is dirty and that I'm nasty for wanting to live in it. He also has said that it isn't his job to help me take care of the kids until I prove to him that they are his, but continues to keep mad when people tell him they look like me instead of him. According to him, this is all my job because I'm a stay at home mom and he is the one with the actual job. I really want to stay with him and I love him but I am unhappy with the way I am getting treated. Any tips or ideas on how to help me get him to understand and help out before I pack up and leave.


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## MrsKeepTrying (Jul 31, 2012)

"He also has said that it isn't his job to help me take care of the kids until I prove to him that they are his...."....WOW.

My only suggestion is counseling. Maybe a 3rd party can crack that nut.

Sorry, I can't be more helpful.


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

He is not respecting you in any way... he wanted to marry a mom, not a wife... 

His JOB is to participate in the marriage.. not expect to get catered too..

How does he treat his mother and did she cater to him growing up?

How did his dad treat his mother?


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

If you want to be more independent of your husband, you need to get a job. He has no respect for you as a SAHM.

If you leave, don't you need to get a job to support yourself first?


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

momma90 said:


> My husband expects me to keep the house clean, take care of two children, keep the laundry washed (including his uniforms), keep the animals from stinking, make a perfect meal every time I cook, bring him his food and drinks, etc. He want me to do it all.


If you are a SAHM, this is your job. I don't really see a problem with that.



momma90 said:


> If he loses something, most of the time his reactions are: "you all better quit taking my ****", or "what did you do with ____?", etc. He always blames us.
> 
> He also has said that it isn't his job to help me take care of the kids until I prove to him that they are his,


This is extremely disrespectful. I would suggest counseling although I'm wondering why he doesn't think the kids are his? There must be some story behind that. 

I would not put up with someone talking to me like that. If my H spoke to me like that, I would say "stop speaking to me that way or I will leave". If he didn't stop, then I would leave. You have to show some self-respect.

Honestly, it sounds like you both would rather play on the computer than pick up the garbage around the house. If you are a SAHM and your H works part-time, how does your trash pile up until there are maggots? That's just ridiculous. You both have big problems. I feel sorry for your kids.


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## Rosemary's Granddaughter (Aug 25, 2012)

justonelife said:


> If you are a SAHM, this is your job. I don't really see a problem with that.


Um, no, it is not a SAHM's "job" to do all of that. 

Make a perfect meal every time, bring him his food and drinks---easily stricken down.

Do all of his laundry, cleaning house, cooking--he would have to do those things if he were single, and should be a joint effort.

The children and the animals are also a joint effort _when he is home. _ 

If she is cleaning and picking up trash, the least he could do is take the trash out. 

If a couple both agree that the man's job is his job and the wife's job is EVERYTHING else (yeah, right), that might be their arrangement, but this OP wife must not have agreed to that.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

Rosemary's Granddaughter said:


> Um, no, it is not a SAHM's "job" to do all of that.
> 
> Make a perfect meal every time, bring him his food and drinks---easily stricken down.


I agree that these are extreme and not her "job". However, I would say general meal preparation is in her job description. If he is critical of her cooking, that's a different issue.



Rosemary's Granddaughter said:


> Do all of his laundry, cleaning house, cooking--he would have to do those things if he were single, and should be a joint effort.


Disagree. Earning the money isn't a joint effort. He does that all on his own. Her contribution to the marriage is doing a majority of the housework.



Rosemary's Granddaughter said:


> If a couple both agree that the man's job is his job and the wife's job is EVERYTHING else (yeah, right), that might be their arrangement, but this OP wife must not have agreed to that.


Agreed that the wife isn't in charge of EVERYTHING else. I'm merely saying that if there are maggots in the piles of trash and he thinks the kids aren't his, there are bigger problems and maybe they both aren't holding up their end of the bargain.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

Why doesn't he think the kids are his? Ask him if he's willing to pay for the DNA tests to put an end to that issue. 

As a SAHM, you're the homemaker - that means you are the primary caretaker of the children, and the home. He brings in the money, and allows you the luxury of not working outside the home. For heavens sake , how hard is it to take out the trash? It's gross and unsanitary to pile it up in a room until there's no room left. I can't imagine the stench, your babies deserve better than that!

I can't help with the disrespect your husband displays - or maybe I can. I urge you to take a look at FlyLady.net an excellent resource for overcoming the chaos of cleaning and keeping up with a home. Perhaps if your husband sees a change in you he will be motivated to change as well. Just google "FlyLady", read her story and the testimonials of women whose lives she has touched. You can't help but be inspired. 

Please at least consider making small changes in yourself and your attitude before walking away. You owe it to your children to give it your best attempt.


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## missmim (Dec 29, 2012)

Are you angry for what your husband thinks is your responsibility (the amount of work) or is it the lack of any appreciation for what you are bringing to the marriage? If he was appreciative and loving would you be happy to do these tasks?

You said you love your husband, what about him do you love? He seems lazy, disrespectful, sloppy, unmotivated, and childish. 

Stand up for yourself, teach him how to treat you. Don't let him shuck responsibility with some stupid off-handed comment designed to change the subject and focus. Remind him that you discussion is about "a" and once your finished talking about it you can discuss "b".
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## momma90 (Jun 30, 2012)

Justonelife:
Just to let you know, I don't have a car and even if I did, I don't have insurance, so there is know way I can take off trash. I was throwing it outside but it attracted a bear so therefore, I had to start keeping it inside. He is the only one that is able to take it off. And if your going to judge people without getting your facts straight then I feel sorry for whoever even knows who you are!!!

And for the rest, If he wanted a DNA test, I would not have a problem with him taking one. He is just looking for an excuse to not help me out. I have never been unfaithful to this man. I'm upset because he expects so much out of me while he sits around picking his nose. My babies are 4 yrs and 4 months old. Just taking care of them, is alot of work. I understand it is my job to keep the house picked up, cook meals for the family, wash clothes, etc. But I cannot keep the house sparkling 24/7, make the perfect meals all the time (yea, sometimes the mac and cheese get a little to much milk in them, and sometimes I don't make enough mashed tators, etc), and I do sometimes get behind on laundry. You get my point, I'm not perfect but NO I'm not sitting around doing nothing. I give it my best shot but it is never good enough. I just want to be able to raise our family together and be happy with him. He wasn't like this before marriage so I know he can help and make it easier for me, I just need to find a way to motivate him to do it. Thanks for all answers.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

The guy works only three days a week and does nothing to help out at all, and expects you to serve him drinks etc? Are his legs broken?

My advice is start studying and get a qualification make an exit plan. Let him know that you are not his servant, that he has a responsibility to look after his own children, and if he really believes they are his then get a DNA test done but otherwise never mention it again, because he's disrespecting you and them every time he says it. 

Let him know you are prepared to leave him, because it won't get better unless he really gets a scare and has a wake up call. 

And do not leave garbage piled up, take it outside but let him know again that he better start actually helping you or you will move on.

And insist on Counseling if he wants you to stay. 

I would not want to be married to a man like that he sounds like a child.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

momma90 said:


> Just to let you know, I don't have a car and even if I did, I don't have insurance, so there is know way I can take off trash. I was throwing it outside but it attracted a bear so therefore, I had to start keeping it inside. He is the only one that is able to take it off. And if your going to judge people without getting your facts straight then I feel sorry for whoever even knows who you are!!!


People are just giving advice with the info they have.
And if that's the case then insist he starts acting like a man who takes care of things that need to be done. 
Also don't have any more children with him.


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

Yes I do have tips before you pack and leave. 

tell him if he doesnt cut the **** you are going to pack and leave and he has one chance. 

This is all about power. You need to take iot away from him until you are equals. 

He has a lot to learn and you can teach him only by shocking him into some level of compliance.

If he doesnt work diligently on change then you are wasting your life serving an ignorant chauvanist pig


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## Rosemary's Granddaughter (Aug 25, 2012)

justonelife said:


> Disagree. Earning the money isn't a joint effort. He does that all on his own. Her contribution to the marriage is doing a majority of the housework.


I agree with what you've said, except this. The difference, IMO, is that he is working eight hours (for example) a day for pay while she is working those same eight hours for free. The rest of the time should be equally spent on household duties, children, and other responsibilities. This might mean that he does the dishes while she's bathing the children.


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## Rosemary's Granddaughter (Aug 25, 2012)

Aunt Ava said:


> Why doesn't he think the kids are his? Ask him if he's willing to pay for the DNA tests to put an end to that issue.
> 
> As a SAHM, you're the homemaker - that means you are the primary caretaker of the children, and the home. He brings in the money, and allows you the luxury of not working outside the home. For heavens sake , how hard is it to take out the trash? It's gross and unsanitary to pile it up in a room until there's no room left. I can't imagine the stench, your babies deserve better than that!
> 
> ...


If staying at home was a "luxury" for this lady, she would pay someone to remove the trash.

SMH


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

momma90 said:


> I've got 2 children with my husband. I really want to be with him and raise our family together. I really don't feel like a wife, I feel like a slave and I'm tired of it. I have tried talking to him but he gets mad and starts saying I'm always on my computer or something just to get the attention off of him. My husband expects me to keep the house clean, take care of two children, keep the laundry washed (including his uniforms), keep the animals from stinking, make a perfect meal every time I cook, bring him his food and drinks, etc. He want me to do it all. He works 3 days a week as a security guard. Which he gets the sit down the work shift. He does do paperwork and check on other guards 1 out of 3 days. The other days he gets to sit down and push a button to open a gate all day. Not to mention when he is on top of the mountain, he watches youtube, play internet games, ect. while at work. If he loses something, most of the time his reactions are: "you all better quit taking my ****", or "what did you do with ____?", etc. He always blames us. When he is at home, he sits down and plays games all day on his computer. He throws his trash in the floor and stacks his dishes all over the couch/side table, and then blames me when the house gets dirty. When I clean, I pile up the trash bags in the room that leads to the carport, my husband will not take them off until the side of the room is overfilled with bags or until we can't walk in there anymore. We always get maggots on our bags and then he gets mad and says it's my fault for piling up trash bags. If I don't clean the house he says it is my fault the house is dirty and that I'm nasty for wanting to live in it. He also has said that it isn't his job to help me take care of the kids until I prove to him that they are his, but continues to keep mad when people tell him they look like me instead of him. According to him, this is all my job because I'm a stay at home mom and he is the one with the actual job. I really want to stay with him and I love him but I am unhappy with the way I am getting treated. Any tips or ideas on how to help me get him to understand and help out before I pack up and leave.


1. Do what needs to be done in a way YOU think is enough.
2. If he doesn't like it, let him know you trust him to find a solution to his problem, but that you aren't willing to. 
3. Do not engage more than this on these power struggles. 

But honestly, with his attitude about the kids, I'm wondering why you'd stay with someone like that! He's not an active, engaged participant in your relationship or with his children.


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## momma90 (Jun 30, 2012)

He works 12 hour shifts. I don't ask much of him. The only thing I ask him to do, is stop treating me like I'm his maid, pick up his own mess, every once in a while when I get stressed out, take some responsibility off of me so I don't have so much to stress over. 

For example: When we get ready to leave, he got into a bad habit of rushing out to the truck and taking as little as possible with him, which left me to carry the baby, along with 3-4 bags, and then he wanted me to be able to fight the cat to stay inside while I had all of that in my hand and grab his skoal, cell phone, etc on my way out. The diaper bag was the only one that could go on my shoulder, the rest have to be carried in your hand. I finally got tired of it and told him, he was going to have to start helping me a little more with getting out the door. He got mad and ask how he was suppose to help me and I told him if he was going to go out before me, he could at least take some of the bags with him. He has been helping me ever since I brought it up to him ever since. 

It's just the little stuff that can help me not stress out so bad, like taking his dishes to the sink, etc. 

I understand everybody needs their own hobby or time to chill down, so I don't mind him playing games, I just wish he would understand that I don't get to clock out of being a stay at home mom/housewife. This will be a never ending job for the rest of my life and every once in a while, I could use a break or a some help.

And the reason I still want to be with this man is because:
1. He is my first and only love
2. I know my children need to see their parents together (my parents are divorced and that is part of the reason I am struggling with PTSD)
3. I have split with him before because of his behavior but I really didn't like the way our daughter acted while we were split. I know she was young but she knew something was going on and it showed in her actions.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

The comments about the children not being his would be enough for me to kick his a$$. What is his reasoning for even THINKING such a thing?? It shows no respect for you, and it is nothing but an excuse for him to not pitch in. Someone who works three days a week has more than enough time on their hands to help out around the house and with THEIR children.

This man has zero respect for you. He will continue to have zero respect for you until you start respecting yourself and demanding he do the same.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Sorry for the HUGE pic!


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## ladymalin (Mar 26, 2013)

I'm mixed on this one. On one hand, taking out the trash is theoretically not that much further to walk. On the other hand, you're working longer hours than he is because as a mom you're never off duty, even at night if the kids are young and not sleeping through the night. I hope you have a productive heart to heart discussion with your spouse. I wish I had some helpful advice.


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