# Really Curious: Has any BS that's used keylogger, etc. been able to R with WS?



## LeslieH (Apr 3, 2012)

Was the software used to collect grounds for divorce? I'm just keep hearing horror stories of more and more coming out. Are there any happy endings, so to speak?


----------



## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Keylogger is used to get the facts, because typically they are not coming from WS.

I used it and we are reconciling.


----------



## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Can I add to your thread question? I was going to ask a very similar question and figured I may as well tag on here instead.

I want to install a keylogger/message/call spyware on my partner's phone. I don't think he continues to cheat but I get suspicious here and there, and I want to use it to be sure. If I find anything it will give me the conviction to leave him, if I find nothing it will make me happy to stay. Is installing this software a good idea to make things 'better'? Or will this kind of spying make things worse? In the way that hadesl describes, being nosey in someone's private doings where they are not cheating but u maybe find out things you would rather not know.


----------



## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

hadesl said:


> How do you choose? staying suspicious or know the truth?
> If you really know that he is a cheating spouse? What will you do?


I choose knowing the truth. The only thing that stops me is the expense. I am a single mum, work part time, I have the money to pay for it but it will eat into my holiday money for the summer for me and my children. Is he worth that? no. On the other hand, I am generally unhappy and spending £100-160 on this will be worth it to make me happier. Is my sanity and happiness worth that? yes. It will be worth it not to spend another year in this kind of limbo.

I know he has cheated. That was at the beginning of our relationship. I found out a year ago after it had supposedly been ended nearly a year. We have been together 2 1/2 yrs. I have accepted that and have moved past that. What I can't move past is the thought that he has pulled the wool over my eyes on a number of issues, he has lied to me (as cheaters do in order to make the bitter pill sweeter) so I don't know whether he is now being a genuine decent person or whether he has learnt my triggers and knows how to hide things better. If he is continuing to lie, or cheat, I will leave him. The not knowing is causing me to stay....only just. The other thing that causes me to stay is that we have a brilliant relationship on the whole, he is all I have ever wanted in a man, and he is worth keeping if he has turned the corner that he insists he has. He shows me transparency and is now almost understanding. Instead of being angry when I bring things up he is just frustrated now. But he understands. However, we don't live with each other and he has shown himself to be an expert liar.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I used it for verification post affair

it helped me regain trust when I saw that what she was telling me was matching what I found out through snooping

That said it can be used to help protect the BS from false R as well for when an affair continues or the WS looks for a new AP

Most states are no fault so using for it divorce fodder is fairly rare, of course it can lead to divorce but not anything that is usable in getting a better settlement or custody in most cases. (prenups being being one of the exceptions)


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

snap said:


> Keylogger is used to get the facts, because typically they are not coming from WS.
> 
> I used it and we are reconciling.


same here.


----------



## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

AR, thank you for getting rid of the dancing turtle! Finally!!!

More on-topic: I have mixed emotions about the whole keylogger debate. Usually by this point, you already know what's going on...Do you really want to read what he/she is writing to their AP? A coworker of mine told me about her sister, who read an email that her cheating H had written to his mistress...cutting his wife to shreds; calling her a fat pig, etc...she really didn't need to see that.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

if the D decision is made Candie then I would say why bother spying unless there are false accusations involved to take away the children

but as I stated before to continue R you need to verify their actions

and the avatar is a temporary change


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Key-logger at least in my case, just to verify no contact. Not really an issue to debate unless your WS doesn't use the home computer.

I agree, re texts especially, all you need are cell phone records. Verizon has this helpful "analyze usage" feature that pops up the most called numbers. Found alternate phone #'s for the AP that way. But when you see that total # of monthly minutes come up, and you calculate how many HOURS they spent communicating, it says I Love You plain as day, even if there aren't any words to read.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Are you worried your husband is searching out a revenge affair?


----------



## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

I used a keylogger (and phone snooping software) to gather passwords, emails, capture chat sessions, and text messages. While it did not paint a pretty picture, it was ‘real’ in a world of lies and omissions. 

Why it helps... You are dealing with a liar. There is no other nice way to put that; They chose to lie to you about this until discovery. Most will downplay or lie after getting caught. Personally (and based on experience), I’d think it’d be harder to truly reconcile after the fact if all you have to understand what happened and why is their words. You know they lie, so you may always question and go slowly insane wondering what they didn’t tell you. Nice hard indisputable facts are invaluable to you in forming your own opinions.... 

So yes, I have a lot of ‘evidence’. Most States though are ‘no fault’ States which means it doesn’t matter if your spouse slept with a hundred people... it won’t matter that much. Why I did it was for peace of mind and having something concrete that can’t be manipulated to hold onto. And, what I captured did paint a picture that they did mostly just banter and share old stories... not much sex talk at all, but there was a flirty nature in some. So it also helped me pacify my own fears that they were all about sex and laughing about me. It helped me choose to reconcile and have a better understanding of the nature of her relationships.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I'm curious Leslie, are you worried your husband is tracking you with a key logger and has found something bad? Such as renewed contact?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Great question -- either you trust your partner or you don't. Technology just clouds the issue, IMO.


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

lamaga said:


> Great question -- either you trust your partner or you don't. Technology just clouds the issue, IMO.


Iamaga: it is evident you are unfamiliar with the classic cheater.

They have big problems with the marriage.

Guess what? 

They don't tell you!

Nope.

They don't ask for marriage counseling!

Nope.

They get too close to someone outside the marriage and start to confide in them. 

Does that solve their marital problems?

Nope!

The other person has it tough too. So pretty soon, they lean on each other.

Next thing they know, they've exchanged I love you's.

The VAST, and I do mean VAST, majority of the time, do they move out, confess true love for the other person and file for divorce?

NOPE!

They lie to themselves and their spouse to rationalize:

Staying married INDEFINITELY while staying in the affair.

How would I know?

I found out my husband was in an affair when he ACCIDENTALLY left a secret email acct open on our home computer.

He swore it was over. We entered MC. SIMULTANEOUSLY, he recontacted his affair partner and remained in the relationship for THREE MORE YEARS. I never double checked. Trust is everything, right?

3 months ago he accidentally sent a text to me instead of her.

Now we have a marriage, it is better than ever and we are fully recommitted.

Your position is beautifully idealistic, and profoundly naïve.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

lamaga said:


> Great question -- either you trust your partner or you don't. Technology just clouds the issue, IMO.


:scratchhead:

None of us betrayed trusts our partners, thought it was kinda non-brainer?


----------



## LeslieH (Apr 3, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> I'm curious Leslie, are you worried your husband is tracking you with a key logger and has found something bad? Such as renewed contact?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No, he's not using it on me. I did suggest it to him considering that I saw it everywhere on here. He hasn't asked for any access to email or cell phone records/texts. Not to say that he may not in the future.

@Bandit: No, I'm not asking to use on him. Just curious.
Overall, glad to see that it doesn't always end in more revelations and hurt.


----------



## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Leslie, sorry I don't get it...but how can it end in more revalations and hurt if there are none to gain? I assume u are the WS? Does that mean you are continuing and thus more revelations? Or you haven't told him the whole truth?


----------

