# Dissapointing sex life with wife!!!



## snipey (Aug 16, 2012)

I know I know 
another husband complaining he's not getting enought sex..
But this becoming a big problem for me.
First let me give you a bit of background info. I'm a soldier so I'm away from home a lot some times, but when I'm at home I do my fair share of house work and because of my lifestyle I like healthy food so I'm a very good cook.
I don't go out drinking with the lads to keep her happy and I do my best to make her happy even if It's something I don't like for example ...shopping for clothes or house stuff or letting her watch crap on the tv or cooking foods she likes even if I'd rather eat something else. I do loads for her to make her life easier . Basically I try really hard and could go on and on about what I do for her. but when it comes to sex I just cant get enought and when I do get it its just not dirty enought.
When things are good we probably have it 3 times a week maybe but thats when things are good and taking in to consideration sometimes I'm away and then of course "that time of the month"
when she's just a nightmare, Its just not enought for me. When we do it its always the same I go down on her (coz she can't cum through penetration) then we have sex, thats it.
I've tried porn she doesn't like it (bad idea actually) I tried erotica that didn't work and if I try to even talk dirty she doesn't like it , I try to get really passionate with her but she's just not that into it. I even mentioned 3somes with a women or a man but nothing gets her going. Sex has never been great with her but she always says she will try but she doesn't , Just like she used to say It will be better when we're living together or it will be better when we're married or "stop going on about it the more you talk to me about it the less I want it give me a break and it will get better" ect.........

I don't know what to do I want more sex and I want more passionate naughty sex. I do love and respect my wife loads but sometimes I wish I had a ****ty bit on the side to get it out my system (literally). I don't want to cheat on my wife ,I don't think I even could do that to her but I'm running out of Ideas I don't think I will ever get what I want from her. Do I settle for what I've got? I don't want to leave my wife I love her so much, But how do I get what I need?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

What you need my friend is a come to Jesus moment. You're gonna need to be willing to lose her to fix it though. If she knows you'll never leave no matter what, then you'll have no leverage at all.


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## snipey (Aug 16, 2012)

"Come to jesus moment"? I'm a little confused but intrigued.....


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

snipey said:


> I know I know
> another husband complaining he's not getting enought sex..
> But this becoming a big problem for me.
> First let me give you a bit of background info. I'm a soldier so I'm away from home a lot some times, but when I'm at home I do my fair share of house work and because of my lifestyle I like healthy food so I'm a very good cook.
> ...


Curious -

Did she have "dirty, naughty, passionate sex" with you before you got married?

Will she agree to counseling?


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## snipey (Aug 16, 2012)

never really had that sex like that with her even before marriage , we have tried counseling but she just listened to the bits she liked and ignored the rest so it didn't really work but thank you anyway x


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

no kids early in your marriage?


move on and cut your losses. shes just not that sexual.


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## ElsalGaston (Aug 17, 2012)

What you need my friend is a come to Jesus moment.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

I am not sure what all this come to Jesus talk is all about. The OP stated that she has always been this way, she hasn't changed yet he expected her to. She won't change, folks. She doesn't like it and never has. What the OP needs to do is figure out if this is acceptable to him and if not, he needs to divorce. You can't talk/therapy/beg/lecture or make threats to get someone to like something they never will.


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## snipey (Aug 16, 2012)

No kids yet ,maybe because we're not having much sex.(bad joke)
I do think about leaving her for other women and think of a life with
a women who likes sex and enjoys walks on the beach with out complaining her feet hurt or its cold,and a women who thanks me for walking around the shops with her hours and a women who doesn't have allergies to dogs and lets me play my guitar for a couple of hours with out moaning about me ignoreing her.
But we all do that right? Its the whole grass is always greener thing.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

snipey said:


> No kids yet ,maybe because we're not having much sex.(bad joke)
> I do think about leaving her for other women and think of a life with
> a women who likes sex and enjoys walks on the beach with out complaining her feet hurt or its cold,and a women who thanks me for walking around the shops with her hours and a women who doesn't have allergies to dogs and lets me play my guitar for a couple of hours with out moaning about me ignoreing her.
> But we all do that right? Its the whole grass is always greener thing.


So it's more than sex that you are unappy about. How long have you been married?

Be honest here. It appears that you knew exactly who & how she was before you married her. Do you even love her anymore & if so why?

Please be honest with her before you go out searching for "the must love dogs" phantom woman.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Atctually she stung him along with talk of it getting better after he jumped through hoops.


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## snipey (Aug 16, 2012)

I can deal with everything else its just the sex that bothers me,
I do still love her very much we've been together for 4 years I was single for a long time before because I'd never met anyone I really liked just loads of failed dates (good sex but no romantic spark).
then when I met vicky I fell madly in love with her and have been ever since, Its just the being turned down brings up the feelings of being unaprichiated a bit lonely and lots of other feelings that makes me look at our relationship in a negantive way. Take sex out the picture and everything else is ok.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Why do you expect her to be a naughty sex kitten..it sounds like she has never been that or has any desire to be that. Why do you expect her to change now you've married her? 

I expect the irritations you list above are made all the worse by the 'disappointing sex' you share with your W.

You really only have a few choices the way i see it.... stay and put up with it, stay and try to improve the situation or leave and divorce and find a new lover (I realize you have you s!utty bit on the side and stayed married but that would make you cheating scum...and I'm sure your not that...are you? )

What do you want to do??? Start putting your energy into that!


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## snipey (Aug 16, 2012)

I wouldn't cheat on her no, I have thought about it but thats as far as I would go.
What is this "come to jesus" thing?
I don't actually have to go to jesus do I? as in like become religous or something or is it like some sex guru lingo for some kind of jedi mind trick.
anyway thank you all for your input I will be off to bed now to sleep
on it and consider the options and advice given. thanks again all, goodnight.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

A soldier who never heard of a come to Jesus meeting? Let me guess, Canadian or French soldier?


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## pplwatching (Jun 15, 2012)

snipey said:


> What is this "come to jesus" thing?


There are a couple of definitions of a Come to Jesus moment. One is when a polite demand is given, generally followed by a less polite ulitimatum, then a threat. Another is when the light blub comes on and you understand something crystal clear or make a critical decision. 

The metaphore is that when someone who's been on the fence about whether or not Jesus is real is suddenly under fire and facing certain death, they suddenly decide Jesus is real and ask Him to save them.

More or less. Anyway, I believe the first person who suggested it was suggesting that you give your wife an ultimatum. It's not entirely clear.


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## Paulination (Feb 6, 2012)

snipey said:


> never really had that sex like that with her even before marriage , we have tried counseling but she just listened to the bits she liked and ignored the rest so it didn't really work but thank you anyway x


You married what you married. I feel bad for the guys getting the mad bad monkey love right up until marriage and then she tanks.


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## missmolly (Jun 10, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> A soldier who never heard of a come to Jesus meeting? Let me guess, Canadian or French soldier?


I don't know what it means either!! Would you mind explaining it to me please?

Oops sorry, missed the explanation above


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

To the OP:

If I were you, I would be more concerned with her underlying attitude in general than the sexual refusal per se. You say that she does not care enough about your needs to make a real effort to accomodate your needs. And, she goes to counseling, cherry picks the parts appealing to her, and disregards the rest.

What do you suppose will happen when you guys have differences of opinion with respect to money and/or child-rearing? These child-free years are the most energetic and stress-free of your marriage - what happens later on?


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

DTO said:


> To the OP:
> 
> If I were you, I would be more concerned with her underlying attitude in general than the sexual refusal per se. You say that she does not care enough about your needs to make a real effort to accomodate your needs. And, she goes to counseling, cherry picks the parts appealing to her, and disregards the rest.
> 
> What do you suppose will happen when you guys have differences of opinion with respect to money and/or child-rearing? These child-free years are the most energetic and stress-free of your marriage - what happens later on?


Correctamundo. 

Also if you do have kids then her sex drive is most likely gonna go WAAAAAY down. Bout once a month if not less. 

You need to really think about your future with her. A lot of women think sex isn't a big deal, but for most men its pretty vital for the emotional connection.


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## Izzie (Aug 17, 2012)

By the accent I'm guessing this guy is English...

"Come to Jesus meeting is an American" saying for having an intervention or a discussion where you're candid and break down what your expectations are once and for all. 

I just googled this for you and it comes from the Urban dictionary. 

1. Come to jesus meeting	
A meeting where someone close to you (e.g. friend, family, etc.) are confronted over behavior that's causing consternation that's negatively effecting your relationship.

"You and your brother need to have a come to jesus meeting over you always having to do his chores and yours."

2. Come to jesus meeting	
A meeting in which a group discusses their flaws. Nobody can interrupt another and they can't put words in somebody else's mouth (she doesnt like me).

"After this terrible week, the staff really needs a come to jesus meeting."

For women, sex is an emotional connection. You said she is unable to orgasm through penetration so you all really need to work on positions and foreplay. It sounds as though she is not enjoying the sex and it's a chore for her. Are you romantic with her? Do you all go out on dates? Do you hold her hand and spend quality time with her? 

As the others mentioned, if the sex was mediocre before the marriage I don't know how you could make it spicy after years of marriage. It sounds as though you two are just not sexually compatible. You may want to get out now while you don't have kids because you're going to just keep getting more and more frustrated and possibly cheat. She may be unhappy too which is why she is not affectionate towards you.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

snipey said:


> I can deal with everything else its just the sex that bothers me,
> I do still love her very much we've been together for 4 years I was single for a long time before because I'd never met anyone I really liked just loads of failed dates (good sex but no romantic spark).
> then when I met vicky I fell madly in love with her and have been ever since, Its just the being turned down brings up the feelings of being unaprichiated a bit lonely and lots of other feelings that makes me look at our relationship in a negantive way. Take sex out the picture and everything else is ok.


Pull your head out of your a$$ and really look at your marriage.

I'm here to tell you its not going to get better! shes a taker whinner and seems like your whole marriage revolves around her getting her needs met and treating you like its you job to do it or else. while she ignors your needs 

eventualy you will wake up years from now with so much resentment that you will kick your self for not leaving! you will think I waste my whole life with this selfish person I must have been an idiot to stay so long. 


good luck with what ever you decide. 

sorry for being so blunt. But I feel I can be so because I lived it. and am thinking of throwing in the towel myself.

much worse for me because we have children and a fair bit of assets which will be difficult for me to recover finanicaly.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

WorkingOnMe said:


> A soldier who never heard of a come to Jesus meeting? Let me guess, Canadian or French soldier?


Below the belt. Funny, but still...


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Just get out before you have kids.

She is what she is and you are what you are.

This will be the cause of insane stress throughout your life if you keep trying to fit a square peg in a round hole.


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## KHC223 (Jul 30, 2012)

Snipey, What your doing for her and what your getting in return sounds like your living my life, try reading "No More Mr. Nice Guy" I'm not a book reader and I finished it in a few day's give it a try. I'm confident already that it will change my life.


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## snipey (Aug 16, 2012)

actually a british soldier , but seriously what id this jesus thing all about?............Anyone?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

The answer has been posted already a couple times. It's a meeting where you lay it all on the line and give her an ultimatum.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

snipey said:


> "Come to jesus moment"? I'm a little confused but intrigued.....


This means tell her how it is. Talk to her about it, and if nothing changes make a decision either to stay or go. basically that is that that means


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## lovingsummer (Jul 27, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> Pull your head out of your a$$ and really look at your marriage.
> 
> I'm here to tell you its not going to get better! shes a taker whinner and seems like your whole marriage revolves around her getting her needs met and treating you like its you job to do it or else. while she ignors your needs
> 
> ...



This is so true!!! I am just now learning this after 20 years of being together, 3 kids, a house... It gets much more complicated if it's not dealt with early on.


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## Mr steal your girl (Aug 11, 2012)

A lot of men have this problem....

Peep game: A true pimp told me one time..." I told my girl, if you don't wanna give up the pussie, I can find another b.i.tch that will"...The people around listening were like "No you shouldn't tell a woman that"...But sure enough the man's girl snapped out of her ways and she was giving it up. Everybody had to give it up him, because he was a wise man.

If I were you, I would lay it all on the line..with something like this...."Baby, I'm a man and I'm a soldier, and I need pussie all day every day, now if you wanna keep them legs closed and be mother theresa, by all means do you, because If you don't wanna give up the pussie, then there's a million other women out here in this world that will."....."So what's its gonna be?...I got lawyers on deck, if you wanna go that route and the papers churning its all good....But right here and right now, it's either get down or lay down."

I would be firm and keep it 100. She can't just keep using you, and have the security of marriage, while she gets to decide when sex is going to happen.


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## sexy (Jul 29, 2012)

Hi Snipey, 


I really think I can identify with what you are going through, but I have experienced this situation some 22 years ago. I have been married 22 years to my H. Everything you said my H has said to me before. I will admit I could not understand the vital importance of frequent sex to a military man's life. My H (then my BF) had just left the USAF at 24 y.o. and had a strong appetite for sex. If you are somewhat young and naive, you have NO idea what you are in for. I was like a deer in headlights and pure as the driven snow when I met him. After our first time, I thought I had given him what he wanted, and he would be satisfied for a while, but no! He just wanted more and more and more! OMG I couldn't believe how much sex he needed! I felt like that's ALL I WAS to him. It seemed like every time we saw each other he wanted sex again. Now many women don't have the same view of sex as men do (especially some of the men that come here) Don't flame me.
I don't believe she will change much either, as many women don't seem to have that same ravenous appetite for sex as you seem to have. I will tell you that my H had that come to Jesus talk with me, and I admit, it shook me up. I did not change that much (from vanilla to chocolate chip cookie dough crunch with nuts, bubblegum, candy, and sprinkles) but I did pay more attention to his views and tried to see through his eyes from time to time. If she was not into kinky when you met her, you should not expect her to change that much, but you should explain to her what you want from her. If you want her to take the lead (initiate more) you need to tell her and when she does-remind her how good it feels when she makes love to you. We (most women) are socialized primarily to let the man make the first physical move, so often we are less likely to actually begin the action.
My H told me one day: You are treating me like I am one of your friends or a roommate. I don't want you as a friend! I don't NEED any more friends! I Have PLENTY of friends! And if I wanted just a roommate, I would put an ad in the paper and get a roommate! I want you as a wife and a lover, and if you can't give me that, then I don't want you!
That was his come to Jesus moment with me. Like I said before, this did not make me a tiger in bed and make me want it 2-3 times a day with my painted nails and fishnets and my black stilettos wrapped in my "Come and get me" teddy, but I was less reserved in my thoughts about sex. I truly got a sense of how vital sex is to a man. 
Try to remember: she may not have your appetite for sex, and she may never have it. If it is a deal-breaker, tell her so and tell her how to fix it and let her try... but don't complain about it if you took her for a test drive and kicked the tires and checked under the hood and knew exactly the make and model you were getting, drove it off the lot, and now have buyer's remorse because she doesn't go as fast as you hoped she would. 
Also don't always ask her if she wants sex or try to get her ready for it all the time. That just made me more tense and afraid. Don't ALWAYS hint that that's what you want. That is when I started to avoid my BF/H as much as possible. Once in a while my H would just come up to me in bed (after getting comfortable trusting enough with who I was as a person) then just started to undress me and just let nature take its course and I just couldn't think of a reason to tell him to stop. I am not suggesting you do something against her will, but if you are waiting for her forehead to light up when she id ready for sex (like some magical light that only you can see) you probably won't get anywhere.
Also, I would always tell myself that I was going to initiate sex tonight! I was pretty and sexual and wanted him and yes, tonight would be the night. I was going to be brave, and I was going to do it. I would get into bed, lie next to him, and absolutely freeze up when I got close enough to touch him. The differences between our bodies just seemed so scary that I was afraid to touch him. What if he was too tired? What if he didn't want to right now? What if he needed to be at work early tomorrow? I could come up with ANY reason to not initiate physically (like touching him or getting on top of him). When he (my H) can touch my back with one hand and cover half of it, then that is somewhat scary. I still to this day am scared to physically touch him at times, but I fight it for us.

I am not saying this will fix your situation, but you might think about this. 

I would talk to her very frankly and tell her your absolute nonnegotiable raw physical need for frequent sex, and help her get there if she is that important to you. Just be prepared to say what you mean and mean what you say. To this day (22 years later) my H makes me tremble every time he touches me, and I always tell him how good he feels and how much I love being with him.
Hope this Helps


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## snipey (Aug 16, 2012)

well we have had lots of talks (as we have before) and still the same old s**t, I ask her a question and rather than give a direct answer she gives me a 10 minute answer where she is not making any sense and leaves me knowing less than before.

I have left it to her to make the move before and not mention sex 
(and have told her it was up to her to make to move) and then nothing happens. 
When I try it on with her it goes like this I try it on with her when we go to bed= too tired
I try it on with her in the morning = not now honey Ive just woke up.
I try it on with her earlier in the evening = not now later
I try it on with her a little later = and its Ive just eaten or not in the mood or not feeling well or any other reason theres just too many to list.

Now theres probably people thinking If she is too tired why not do things for her to make it easier.. Well I do I go to work do a bit of phys come back do the house work cook dinner for when she gets in so she doesnt have to do anything but still she is too tired. Also people suggest romance, I am a romantic, yes romance makes her happy but not horny. I've tried the whole very manly approach of being the dominant one...Doesn't work.

I do all sorts of things like I'm not a great singer but sometimes I get the acoustic guitar out and sing her a love song It gets me loads of cuddles but no sex. And apart from being all soft and sweat
I play rugby at work , I,m in a hard as nails infantry regiment. And I'm not a bad looking guy I'm young fit and I would say I was a very good husband there is literally nothing I could change or do to be any more sexually attractive to her. She just doesn't seem to want sex.
Then there's this advice to put my cards on the table and basically tell her either we have more and better sex or I'm leaving.
I dont know if I can do that It seems really harsh to put it so blunt. But then there are people saying if I stay I will never be happy, I either need to accept this or move on. I don't know if I'm ready to take that step,
I guess for a minute its back to the porn, she doesn't like this but If she's not willing to satisfy my needs I'll do it my self. 
She once asked if i could think of her while I pleased myself instead of watch porn . I replied by saying what is the point in thinking about my wife like that when shes upstairs in our bed?
I've told her everything like how I feel and how Important sex is to me and our relationship ect..... I really don't think this situation will change although she always says it will and she will try harder but I think she just says this so I stop going on about it and don't leave her. It really f**ks me off that she does this rather than just telling me its not going to get any better. I've spent hours listening to the reasons why she's not into sex and tried to understand but at the end of the day if she loves me so much and she finds me attractive then why the f**k cant we just do it.
Well I've decide I'm going to ask for sex anymore or try it on or even suggest naughty ideas for the bedroom. But I will be doing is things that I'm interested in like she didn't like me going to the gym so much because I wasn't spending enought time with her and she didn't like my muscles getting too big. well I'm going back down the gym in the evenings and I'm going to start playing the guitar more
and when we go into town and she wants to look at clothes ,fine but i wont be coming in with her I'll go look in a shop I like . She didn't want me to join the boxing team at work but guess what I' going to. I'm going to do all the things I enjoy that better myself and if she wants my company then shes going to have to give me the type of company I want from her. 
If not than I will continue to do the things I want I might even start going for a few drinks with the lads after work. Then when shes not happy in our marriage I'll tell her she can always leave because I'm not happy and I'm not prepared to be the one making all the sacrifices and what I want from her isn't difficult for her to give. And look at all the things I gave up for you and all the things I would do to make you happy ,All I wanted was one thing to make this rellationship whole for me and you wouldn't do it.
If this does not work then atleast I've used the time to better myself and if we dont stay together and she doesn't give up the goods then goodbye I will find some one else who will love me and give me what I need and I will do the same for them whatever their needs may be because thats what you do for a lover isn't it? 
Thanks to every one who repplied to this thread I wasn't sure if one of these sites would help at all but just writting how I feel and telling my situation and getting other peoples points of view and advice has been priceless. In fact its very good therapy and it's free........awesome.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

snipy, the only other thing I could sugest is maybe she isn't having orgasms when you have sex. I think a fair bit of women fake it to save the mans feelings but never have had an orgasm. by themselves or along. and i would guess that if your not getting off after awhile it would just seem like work.

or she can on her own but it to repressed to show/tell you what works for her. 

I know she tells you she dose but do you know when she or if she dose for 100% certine?


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## snipey (Aug 16, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> snipy, the only other thing I could sugest is maybe she isn't having orgasms when you have sex. I think a fair bit of women fake it to save the mans feelings but never have had an orgasm. by themselves or along. and i would guess that if your not getting off after awhile it would just seem like work.
> 
> or she can on her own but it to repressed to show/tell you what works for her.
> 
> I know she tells you she dose but do you know when she or if she dose for 100% certine?


she dosn't orgasm through penetration and never has done
which is why when we ever do anything I usually go down on her or stimulate her clit while we have sex. She always gets to come when we do something. Apart from when shes drunk sometimes it takes her a long time. And I know her and her body well and she definately does.
Also Ive never had any dramas in previous relationships. its just she doesn't want it very often


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## barbiegirl (Aug 18, 2012)

I Havent Read ALL of this Forum
HOWEVER, you two have no kids..
So im sorry but before it gets to that
stage..HONESTLY i think that you NEED to leave
for awhile and let her know that you want a separation
for a little while and striaght out tell her that you dont know
if you can handle the way your sexlife is anymore!!
And that you need to figure things out FOR YOURSELF!
If that doesnt wake her ass up..well then.
SHE WILL NEVER CHANGE~There is NO REASON
why she cant try new things ecspecially for her husband if she truelly loves you!

then she will want to do whatever she can to please you!
Personally.I have always been freaky in the bed..but my husband sounds like you wife is..BEFORE i broke him out of that!
lol not as bad as your wife thoe! he had that freak in him!!!
i just has to get him comfortable enough to let it out!
EVERYONE has a little bit of freakiness in them! Its
just a matter of who they feel like that want to let it out with
YOU NEED TO NO LONGER be a doormat..and you NEED to tell her
HOW IMPORTANT this REALLY is to you explain EVERY SINGLE THING! to her if she doesnt agree or seems to just not care
then you NEEd to take it to the next level
and tell her that you want to seperate for awhile
for the sex reason!!
SEX ISENT THE ONLY THING TO MARRIAGE!!!
BUT..IT IS a BIG part of marriage! And if your not completly pleased...then all thats going to do is open doors of infidelity..and then shes just going to get hurt your going to feel like **** and is just 
open a can of worms that just DOES NOT need to be opend not to mention the trouble you WILL have in court if she finds out about it!! so i really hope that everything works out for you i will keep up with this thread please let me know how things go <3


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## kl84 (Jan 26, 2012)

I could be your wife.....sort of. Like you, my husband does a lot for me. Helps with the house, cooks if I need him to, rubs my back, plays with my hair, etc, you get it. I complain. I get stressed. But then again, I am preggo with baby number 4 and have a child with autism, epilepsy, asthma, adhd, you name it. It gets stressful. But as stressed as I get, sometimes I truly forget how awesome my husband is. I get lost in my own stress and don't realize there are a LOT of douche bag husbands out there, I really lucked up with mine. Sometimes it will hit me out of nowhere and I step my game up. Other times, it takes action, or rather lack of action, from him.

When I see he is clearly miserable, when I notice he isn't helping as much, when he starts to get into his own thing instead of talking to me or spending time with me, the lightbulb turns on that I did something wrong. I NEVER intentionally take advantage of him, ever. It just sometimes you get comfortable with a situation and when your husband is pretty easy-going and never complains, it's hard to notice how selfish you can be to his needs..... and that's with everything, not just sex. 

Now, with sex. For the past couple years, for VARIOUS reasons on my part, we haven't had sex often..... hardly ever, actually. We've went a couple months without. I guess you could say right now we are averaging once every 2-3 weeks. It's gotten that bad. For me, it's not lack of interest in him whatsoever. I still find him to be the hottest man on the block LOL. But for one, I get infections every time I freaking sneeze. Because of these infections I either can't have sex because I have yet another infection, OR, I am so paranoid of getting an infection that I avoid sex. To me, sex means infection..... And then there's times that I just totally dry up and get cut from sex and I spend forever on the toilet with a cold rag between my legs, "No, it's ok, really, i'm fine!".....yeah right...... Aside from the physical aspect.....my husband gets home from work at about 11:30 at night. By the time he finishes eating and what not I am so damn tired that sex is the last thing on my mind.... so I promise "tomorrow before work"..... but then the kids are up running around and i'm scared they are going to half kill themselves if we sneak a quickie..... or that they are listening outside the door or something....so I blow it off an promise I'll be up to it later.... and the cycle repeats.....

Now, I am ready for sex. Why? Because I jumped on this forum and realized how BAD it feels for someone to be rejected constantly. I've read everyone's personal stories and I guess it never dawned on me that my husband could possibly feel that bad, also. I love my husband to death and would never want him to feel rejected, unattractive, that he's lacking in performance, that i'm into someone else, or whatever other negative feeling could be associated with being denied sex from a partner. To me, I felt I had legitimate reasons to not have sex and felt that if I was ok, he should be ok too..... but that's just not the case so now I know I have to do whatever it takes to make sure he feels satisfied. 

I took it on my own to join this forum because he's been moody lately and I KNOW that's a huge part of the reason..... but if he had brought this to my attention, if he had showed me, "It's not just me, most men who are denied sex feel this way" I would have totally saw the light...... so maybe your wife needs to see just how much of an issue it really is. Maybe she just doesn't get it. I sure didn't. I want to please my husband. I want him to be happy. I love him. If your wife feels the same about you, it could be a nice little wakeup call for her. If she immediately goes on the defense then I would say you have a bigger problem than just lack of sex. Just thought you might like some perspective from a woman that has repeatedly denied her husband sex, and has now had a change of heart......


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## barbiegirl (Aug 18, 2012)

snipey said:


> well we have had lots of talks (as we have before) and still the same old s**t, I ask her a question and rather than give a direct answer she gives me a 10 minute answer where she is not making any sense and leaves me knowing less than before.
> 
> I have left it to her to make the move before and not mention sex
> (and have told her it was up to her to make to move) and then nothing happens.
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:
EXACTLY..THIS IS WHAT YOU NEED TO DO!! 
i am here ROOTING for you PLEASE KEEP
US POSTED


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## sexy (Jul 29, 2012)

Hi again Snipey,

Your wife sounds a lot like me as far as her approach to sex with her H. In the morning I wasn't interested, In the evening I wasn't interested either. After work I wasn't interested, and whenever he wanted it, I wasn't interested. One thing I do remember is that the more he did to impress me and try to get brownie points to get sex, the less interested I was. Don't overwork yourself for your basic need for sex. Don't be her door mat, be a healthy horny happy hubby with a great body and expect her to have sex with you whether she wants to or not! This marriage shouldn't be all about her getting her way and you getting nothing! I am a woman and I do not have the highest drive in the world, but the more my H waited on me, the less I wanted sex with him. My H used to take me shopping too, because I couldn't drive due to health problems (the health problems are now fixed and I drive just fine now) and he also did housework, altered his schedule for me, amended his habits for me, everything a friend would do. STOP! This will do nothing to help you get more sex. As a woman, I want a man, not a whipping boy. Sorry if that sounded a little rough. Women want things from their husbands, or they say they do, but if you make yourself less available to your wife, maybe she will stop taking advantage of the situation. I did! Once my husband had other things to attend to (work, studies, friends, hobbies) I thought about him a lot more while he was gone. He wasn't at my beck and call every minute of the day, and I thought more o our time together. I missed him and wanted the physical connection. 
From what you say you sound like you are in great shape! GOOD JOB! Now make her appreciate it! Make yourself more unavailable!!! I'm a woman, and we always want what we can't have!! Look it up! Ask another guy! Don't neglect your responsibilities as a husband, but give both of you some breathing room.
Also, CALL her on the sex thing!!! I remember when my H was like you (really young, in perfect shape - Think Val Kilmer Top Gun) and HORNY as a porn star! I used to think he hadn't had sex in ten years he wanted it so bad, and that was only from the previous couple of days!!! She seems to have an excuse for everything to avoid sex from what you say. Don't let her work you like that! She will push you as far as you will let her. She clearly needs to make better efforts, and you should ask her more about it. Set up a time or tell HER to determine a time that would be GOOD FOR HER to have sex. I bet she won't do it, I would back out all the time too. You need to not wait on her and avoid her a little more. (absence makes the heart grow fonder) and the nether regions grow wetter if you know what I mean. 
You also might consider your age ranges. How old are you? How old is she? When I was in my 20's I was as cold as ice in the sack. My H would probably tell you that I still am, but I haven't refused him sex in about 10 years (unless it's that time of the month). Meanwhile you are probably ready to go first thing in the morning, after work, after dinner, after a shower, after a workout, before bed, when she gets hope from work, and when ou wake up in the middle of the night for no reason other than you can't sleep. That's about how often my former avionics B-52 Bomber tech hubby wanted it. Needles to say, if he was awake and fed, he wanted sex! Even if he wasn't awake, he would love if I would wake him up with sex. That hasn't happened yet (yeah I'm all talk and no action, huh?) But I don't deny him either. I love sex with him, and every time we have it I tell him so. 
Do you ever just touch your wife for no reason. sort of as if to remind her how your hands feel? There is one thing that I can't refuse about my H, and that is the feel of his hands on my body. Really, if he just touches me, I get weak in the knees and I can't resist no matter what I do. I even try to tell myself to resist sometimes, and he knows better. He knows I protest too much. The best thing my H ever did to get sex from me was to stop asking me for it and just start touching me and feeling me and weakening me and my resolve. sometimes he will just put his hand on one of my breasts, and I ALWAYS flinch, but I then calm down and catch my breath and accept what's coming next. I LOVE the way his hands feel on me. He can get me to do ANYTHING just by putting his hot hands on me  ! Try touching her more and letting some of the extra attention chores go. We don't really want someone to do all of the cooking and cleaning, and we don't want to sleep with our house boy or our man servant. 
Really, don't keep tolerating her excuses. CALL HER OUT and stop waiting on her and cleaning up after her!!
My husband is an absolute PIG in the house, but he is an animal in the sack! If you change your behavior patterns to respect YOURSELF a little more, maybe she will too!! No woman wants a guy that doesn't respect himself. How can we as women respect you, and your authority as the man of the house, if you don't respect yourself and think enough of yourself to get the sex you want! You have to love you before you try to love someone else.
Don't go shopping with her. Don't deny yourself your hobbies and workouts because she's lonely or wants to spend time with you. Marriage is a partnership, and you seem to be the only one trying to serve the other partner in the marriage. She needs to pull more weight in the marriage, and you need to let her and put the ball in her court now. Don't do any of her bidding until you start getting some of your needs met. If you have to initiate a few more times, don't let her know verbally that you want some, just start touching her, and don't stop when she starts to refuse. My husband finally got that message, and I never refuse him now. He doesn't go as far as to rape me, but he is secure enough to keep going if he believes it is right. You'll know when to yield to her if she really isn't going to give it up.
O.K. That's my most recent advice. Time to let someone else give some advice.
Hope this helps!


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## snipey (Aug 16, 2012)

I'm really grateful for all the positive feed back its really helpful.
Well today is day one for me ,I'm back on a strict training diet so if
she wants to eat something else she will be cooking it. When she gets home from work I will be going out for a run, Also have a long weekend this weekend she wanted to go back to our home town
thats not going to happen, I have a pre selection course for a promotion coming up soon so I will be training for that and getting my head in the books doing revision so she wont get a lot of attention this weekend. Also If I get through the selection week I will have to go away to northern Ireland for 6 weeks and although its a good pay rise I know she is not keen on me taking it. I don't mind doing house work because my work has been easy recently apart from a six week exercise in Canada Litrally all My work day has been is a 8 mile run or a game of rugby and thats it so Ive been at home nearly all day every day. But pre deployment training starts soon and with this promotion prospect I will be a lot busier.
Also now I have decided to be more about me (I'm not going to be a *** hole to her) but from now on I will put myself before her.
In six months time I will be deployed to Helmand province ( the green zone) for six months. So i am going to be all about me till then. If she doesn't change or step up her game then she obviously cares more about her self than our marriage , As far as I'm concerned I have done all I can to make things good between us now its her turn. No more whipping boy!!! as Sexy put it.
I'm not going to neglect her or anything I'm not like that I'm just doing things that I want and I will not be dropping things or putting things off to suit her, Hopefully she will step up her game and make me a very happy man, If not I have enought things going on in my life that I can go with out having a wife we have no kids so the only thing that really keeps me with her is love and It can't be hard to find a replacement "sounds a bit harsh I know". I don't expect things to change overnight so I will give it time but I wont be comming back from six months on the ground in war zone to an unhappy marriage. Over the past few days I have come to realise that it is not just about getting more sex but its about being wanted and appreciated and being respected as a man. Also when I go away she hates it an complains like mad so when I get back I feel bad and do everything I can to make her happy well not anymore she knew I would be away a lot so she will have to deal with it. we have a nice house and are pretty comfortable financially and that would not be possible if I wasn't in this job also I'm so happy in my job I couldn't do anything else I am so happy with everything in my life apart from my marriage. I have come to realise that a marriage takes 2 people putting in effort to make things work, marriage in an equal thing and one person is not more important than the other and If I'm meeting all her needs and reqirements and she will not meet mine than its not fair simple as that. marriage is a 50/50 thing not 75/25 and if my marriage doesnt become a 50/50 marriage then its not much of a marriage and is not worth keeping. thanks again all will keep posting any progress ect... because I find this great to get everything in to prospective
Also most my friends are male ,single and do not really understand the concept of marriage heres an example. I was on a machine gun range lying on a hill with a work colleage we spoke about my problems , after fireing a large burst of rounds he turned to me and said " Mate just get drunk and f##k loads of chicks it will make you feel much better, men are designed to spread their seed around and by not doing this it make you unhappy because you're not doing what nature intended" he then continued to fire off more rounds, needless to say I discarded this mans advice and decided 
to seek guidance else where .I am glad I did


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

snipey said:


> I have left it to her to make the move before and not mention sex
> (and have told her it was up to her to make to move) and then nothing happens.
> When I try it on with her it goes like this I try it on with her when we go to bed= too tired
> I try it on with her in the morning = not now honey Ive just woke up.
> ...


My wife is like that. There are certain times she doesn't want to have sex:

daytime
nighttime
eastern standard time

Other than that, she's good to go.

It isn't a matter of saying "you have to have sex with me." It should be "this relationship requires an intimate, fulfilling sexual component in order to survive. without it, my needs aren't being met and I'll be less likely to meet yours."

You doing chores, etc... isn't going to get it done. Unless she realizes the consequences, can and WILL change you are headed for the end of the marriage.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

I am one of those women that dont connect whatsoever my husband sharing the responisbilities around the house (chores cooking cleaning and in our case takign care of the kids) as something he is doing for ME anymore than he wants me to think when I do them they are a gift to him ..If he does a load of luandry that for example contains some of my clothes his clothes and the kids hes not "helping me out" anymore than when I do them Im "helping him out"...when I wash the same load..There are certain things (chores) I might do that meh.....I might normally put off but I know he likes that 'done" so I will do it out of respect for his preference but still I dont think because of that he "owes" me a wild sex session because of it..Lets put it this way I dont think its makes him 'horny" if I make up the bed first thing in the morning becasue he likes neatness..anymore than it makes me "horny" for him to cook dinner or unload the dishwasher..(which I also do those chores)..

I think the women (my suspicion ) who say if he would "help out around the house more" maybe I might be in a better mood?Those are women that have husbands who probably are taking advantage of HER as far as barely lifting a finger even to the extent he leaves messes that she has to clean up after making her feel like his mother or his domestic servant..Women who maybe feel taken advantage of and overwhelmed while he sits back like its an entitlement of marriage that the woman does the 'womans work" ..then he seems to be all into her for sex at the end of the day ..She has built up a resentment..and feels neglected and uncared for and used because of his LAZINESS...

Does that make sense..IOW its a man who doesnt do his SHARE(a complete imbalance) and causes her more work that causes her resentment and she will put that as a #1 "need" (domestic assistance /acts of service)..Rather than all women just melt and feel completely loved simply because hes doign what hes SUPPOSED to be doing and it makes her loins ache to have sex...

Its not that its not "appreciated' its just if its a fair and balanced equal division of labor in the home then the appreciation is mutual just for the simple fact they both work in the home so its not one person beign treated like the maid and a short order cook..

If my husband stopped doing the chores alongside me in protest of not "enough sex" ..well then I would stop doing chores too..its no more MY responsibility than his..he lives here..he sleeps here ..he eats here same as I the children are just as much his as mine ..I would just let the house go to hell..but for making sure kids were fed and we (me and the kids ) had clean clothes to wear..and if he stopped helping with the kids well..Im sure his relationship with them woudl be negativley affected and he would just have to live with that or explain to them well I dropped ya'll because yoru mother refused to reward my involvment with ya'll with MORE sex ...Im sure they would suffer and they would lose a notch of respect for him and like I said that would be on him not me..

As far as Im concerned this whole "man helps around the house hes beign taken advantage of becasue as a result she isnt horny 24/7 only wants sex 2 times a week is completley sexist)..

Im going to say rareley even though I dont think i've EVER heard it ..a woman saying ...I want more sex..I really woudl like it every day ..but Im lucky if he puts out once or twice a week...And i've "tried" helping him out around the house..I cook dinner..I clean the house I give the kids thier bath ..run errands and STILL no action ..I think Im just goign to stop beign a "whipping girl" ..Im tired of not beign appreciated ...I need more sex..he obviously doesnt care about my needs and is selfish...So why should I continue to help him out and make his life easier for him?..See the assumption is its HIS primary responsibiltiy to clean cook and take care of the kids even it we BOTH work outside the home..Get it?


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## august2012 (Aug 23, 2012)

Chris Taylor said:


> My wife is like that. There are certain times she doesn't want to have sex:
> 
> daytime
> nighttime
> ...


LOL. This cracked me up.


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## snipey (Aug 16, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> I think the women (my suspicion ) who say if he would "help out around the house more" maybe I might be in a better mood?Those are women that have husbands who probably are taking advantage of HER as far as barely lifting a finger even to the extent he leaves messes that she has to clean up after making her feel like his mother or his domestic servant..Women who maybe feel taken advantage of and overwhelmed while he sits back like its an entitlement of marriage that the woman does the 'womans work" ..then he seems to be all into her for sex at the end of the day ..She has built up a resentment..and feels neglected and uncared for and used because of his LAZINESS...


a few points from that.....
taking advantage of
neglected
uncared for
sort of a bit how I feel but she doesnt take the role of the wanting sex part.
Its not all about the house work I do a lot of things for my wife 
and our marriage in general.
my point is I put more effort in to our marriage than she does
and I'm not happy with our sex life so apart from the things you stated a women would feel if she did most/all the things round the house I also have feelings of rejection, lonleyness, being
unwanted I feel as though I'm not good enough and apart from the emotional connection Im missing and the bad feelings that come with being turned down that I want her to tend I physically feel the need to have more sex.


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## barbiegirl (Aug 18, 2012)

snipey said:


> I'm really grateful for all the positive feed back its really helpful.
> Well today is day one for me ,I'm back on a strict training diet so if
> she wants to eat something else she will be cooking it. When she gets home from work I will be going out for a run, Also have a long weekend this weekend she wanted to go back to our home town
> thats not going to happen, I have a pre selection course for a promotion coming up soon so I will be training for that and getting my head in the books doing revision so she wont get a lot of attention this weekend. Also If I get through the selection week I will have to go away to northern Ireland for 6 weeks and although its a good pay rise I know she is not keen on me taking it. I don't mind doing house work because my work has been easy recently apart from a six week exercise in Canada Litrally all My work day has been is a 8 mile run or a game of rugby and thats it so Ive been at home nearly all day every day. But pre deployment training starts soon and with this promotion prospect I will be a lot busier.
> ...


I am glad that you have
chosen to do this! I think that this will work
and if IT DOESNT then you know that she doesnt
TRUELLY want this marriage to work as much as you!
Because if she did and if she loved you as much as you 
do her 
she would do EVERYTHING to please you!
the way you want and the way you like it!!
please keep us updated
keep strong! And thank you for supporting
our country you have NO IDEA how supportive
i am of our troops xo


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## snipey (Aug 16, 2012)

Well yesterday went well she back from work and I was very much focused on myself reading up on some stuff from work.
She sees Ive done a load of washing and says "oh thanks for that"
I replied by saying "well I had some sweaty clothes from the gym"
as if to say I didn't do it for her I did it for me.

Then about an hour later I go for a 30 minute run come back have a shower, come down stairs and she asks me if I'm ok.
I say "yes honey I'm fine" she then says do I want to talk to her about anything because she thinks there's something bothering me.
I tell her "honey I'm ok, besides I've already told you what the problems are between us, like I've told you countless times before"

She asks me if I want to go upstairs . I said "no". I thought to myself shes seen me doing things that interest me Ive not given her much attention and she probably thinks a quike leg over will solve this. Well not this time too many times before has she tried this quike fix method of giving me sex to keep me quiet sometimes she keeps it up for a couple of days then its alway back to none or once or twice a week.

anyway she asks me why I don't want to go upstairs with her and I tell her I'm just not in the mood. She then asks If I'm too tired from training I told her I'm never too tired for sex I'm just not not in the mood today.

She then goes on the internet and after a bout 10 minutes starts writing things down into a notepad. I didn't think much of this till she asked me if it would turn me on if she said "I want to rub my wet P###y all over for face" well "yes it would actually, anyway what are you doing".
she tells me she is looking up talking dirty in bed because she wasn't sure how to do it or what to say and she knows I'd like it. 
she then asked again if I want to go upstairs with her and I said no again I told her I like the talking dirty thing but Ive had a lot to think about recently and tonight I just don't want anything.
( I still gave her a nice cuddle though)
It felt so good last night just me doing things for me and saying no to sex was a good step I think. She knows I'm not happy with us and I'm not satisfied sexually and last night I think she really got the idea that she needs to change and put effort into meeting my sexual expectations. So many times before I've felt pathetic asking for more sex and being rejected and telling her how lonley and unwanted I feel ,well not anymore she knows what the problems are and I am not going to make myself sound desperate any more 
so its simple she either puts the effort in or I'm not interested.

well Its day 2 today and its friday, might get a nice bottle wine in and try this dirty talk out with her I think this will be good for both of us and talking dirty about stuff can open up a lot of doors to trying other things out in the bedroom.

I will not get hopes up too much though, made that mistake too many times before.


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## mina (Jun 14, 2012)

come to baby jeebus. 

Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

snipey said:


> a few points from that.....
> taking advantage of
> neglected
> uncared for
> ...


But housework is completely seperate from desire to have sex MORE...I think my point was there is nothing about a man doign his share of housework that will increase her sex drive..just like thiere is nothing about a woman doing her share of housework that increases his sex drive or makes him "want' to have more sex with her..

Also a man that ends up having to do an unequal share of housework and caring for the children for no reason other than she thinks she is above it ..or just laziness would also end up being just as resentful of her that she wont do her share...

Also the point is any resentment in any other area of marriage BESIDES sex is what would cause a possible LOSS of interest in havign sex rather than all areas being met(or met adequately enough even if not 100%) cause an INCREASE in someones natural desire frequency of sex i.e how often then truly want it..

I think the reason some people "think" women will become aroused at the site of her husbadn vacumming is becasue still today although its improved greatly a larger % of women still end up doing far more than 50% of the workload as far as domestic ..which is why some women build up a RESENTMENT which as we know resentment and sex dont mix well..so often times you will see that as one of her #1 needs because its being NEGLECTED..IOW if it wasnt an area of neglect it might rank at bottom as a 'need"..Becasue its an imbalnce in the work of a life together..

If in the perfect case scenerio on avrage i really only "want"(deisre my husband sexually) 2or 3 times a week its not BECAUSE he is carryig his share of the load of housework..rather if he wasnt carrying his load I felt used ...and resentful I maybe LOSE the desire to have sex with him as often gradually and want sex a lot LESS than 3 times a week...then he woudl complain about sex ...and my response might be..well maybe I wasnt being treated like a maid or your servant and you did a lottle more of the work around here I might be n a better mood for sex..

Am I making sense?


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