# Is it anybody else's business?



## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

I know some one who has been having a full-blown affair. The spouse has no clue.

Basically this was me a few years ago and I was the unsuspecting spouse.

It just burns me how this cheater justifies the lies and I so want this cheater busted.

I could never do it because it most certainly come back to me but I can't stand cheaters.

I dont think its any of my business but I want them exposed.

Thoughts?

28 year marriage, two kids.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

It's a question that comes up now and then. 

My thinking is that if it's people close to me and I care about them I go to the betrayer and tell them they have 24 hours to confess all or I will have to- even it means the end of the friendship. Fish or cut bait.

If it's people I really don't know then it's none of my business.

Anyway, my $0.02.


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## Regga (Jan 22, 2013)

I have always been a 'canary.' I would want to know, but I know there are others that wouldn't want to. 
As far as life goes, it's never to late to start fresh! Doesn't the BS deserve honesty in their marriage? 
I like thatbpguy's recommendation of 24 hours, but I say drop a hint in the mail, by email or anonymous phone call. It'll allow the BS to decide how and if to proceed with discovering the affair.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Rugs said:


> Basically this was me a few years ago and I was the unsuspecting spouse.


Would you have wanted someone to tell you? Or are you happy that your friends/family just let you live in ignorance? Personally, I would want to know.



> It just burns me how this cheater justifies the lies and I so want this cheater busted.
> 
> I could never do it because it most certainly come back to me but I can't stand cheaters.


Why would it matter if it came back to you. Are you talking about exposing your boss? Your mother? Myself, I am not interested in being friends with an adulterer. And I would enjoy having a reputation as a guy that will immediately expose any affair that he sees.



> I dont think its any of my business but I want them exposed.
> 
> Thoughts?
> 
> 28 year marriage, two kids.


Again, I would expose. But I think we all have a moral obligation to each other. I could not see someone walking unawares toward a cliff and think that it was none of my business. I would feel obligated to warn that person about the danger he was in.

And I wouldn't even go as far as to give the cheater the opportunity to come clean. I would go straight to the loyal spouse and tell him, or her, the information you have.


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## javawave (Apr 7, 2013)

i guess it depends on how close to the BS I was. it would have to be a really close friend for me to tell them.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

My thinking is that if it's people close to me and I care about them I go to the betrayer and tell them they have 24 hours to confess all or I will have to- even it means the end of the friendship. Fish or cut bait.



I agree with this. I am by no means perfect but I don't believe turning a blind eye. Telling the betrayer he/she has 24 hours though can give them tie to fabricate a story. They are expert liars so...

You will be hated for doing it, but I believe it is the right thing to do.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

An anonymous tip off and a link to this site ought to do.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

If you really care about the unsuspecting spouse, then leave a good hint.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

I would want to be told. 

In fact, my view on this is as follows: as a society we are told to "tell" on other people all the time. If a child is being abused, you're supposed to report it. If you witness a crime, you're supposed to report it, etc. BUT, if we witness a person breaking their sworn marriage vows by cheating, often we say nothing. WHY ?

I believe if the accepted social norm was to report cheaters, there would probably be a lot less cheating !


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

Edmund Burke once said: “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men should do nothing.”


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## NeverMore (Feb 24, 2013)

barbados said:


> I would want to be told.
> 
> In fact, my view on this is as follows: as a society we are told to "tell" on other people all the time. If a child is being abused, you're supposed to report it. If you witness a crime, you're supposed to report it, etc. BUT, if we witness a person breaking their sworn marriage vows by cheating, often we say nothing. WHY ?
> 
> *I believe if the accepted social norm was to report cheaters, there would probably be a lot less cheating !*


:iagree::iagree:


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Use a throw away email account and bust them using that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## frozen (Mar 5, 2012)

*Re: Re: Is it anybody else's business?*



MattMatt said:


> Use a throw away email account and bust them using that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I like hushmail. It's just sounds anonymous


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Rugs said:


> I know some one who has been having a full-blown affair. The spouse has no clue.
> 
> Basically this was me a few years ago and I was the unsuspecting spouse.
> 
> ...


What is the relationship of the BS to you?

If they are a friend or family....THEN SAY SOMETHING. Watching a friend or family member getting hurt and doing nothing about it is wrong.


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## calmwinds (Dec 10, 2012)

I would want to be told!!!!! So many people knew. Now I have trouble looking at them or being around them without feeling some manner of contempt toward them for not telling me. My SIL said "I didn't want to hurt you". Guess how that worked out?

If you don't want to use email or go through making up an anonymous email, find a free text message website and send an anonymous text with as much info in it as you can. Just be aware the person cannot reply to your message if he/she has questions.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

I think the BS needs to know too.

If you want to be stealthy about it, get a free email account, send all the info you have to the BS (without info that would give away your ID) and then cancel the email account


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## NeverMore (Feb 24, 2013)

Most want to know, I know I did and the people that knew wished that they had said something to me sooner.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Hmm,no, it's not. But it's actually also no one else's business if one spouse physically abuses the other, but what are we supposed to do, stay and watch? we have to intervene. If we don't have the guts to engage in a fight to defend the victim, we just call the police. Same here.
If you are not comfortable confronting the WS, simply send the BS an anonymous letter or e-mail. Make sure to include all details and proof possible.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I would want to be told.

When my son's father cheated, a lot of people knew but no one told me. When I realized this I dumped them all as friends. A friend would have told me. Anyone who did not just helped my husband cheat and helped to make a fool out of me.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

I ratted out my own brother.

He's glad I did it. And for a close friend I would do the same. Rat on him, that is.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I think we as a society have to have each others back.

If you saw someone breaking into a house would you call the cops?

If you saw someone getting raped would you call the cops?

If you knew someone was being beaten would you do something?

Then why wouldn't you alert someone that they were being cheated on?


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> I would want to be told.
> 
> When my son's father cheated, a lot of people knew but no one told me. When I realized this I dumped them all as friends. A friend would have told me. Anyone who did not just helped my husband cheat and helped to make a fool out of me.


I feel the same way. My so called friend said, "My husband told me to stay out of it, and besides, your husband could not keep it a secret forever". Hmmmmm......let me see. I was in another country for an extended period receiving medical care. I can see where someone would think my husband could not keep it a secret forever.  They were mutual friends...like family. They made my already bad situation worse by helping him keep this a secret for months. There are many others who kept the secret. I refuse to be around them now. 

How anyone can allow a person's life to spiral out of control without their knowledge, is beyond my comprehension. I hate when people have the attitude that they are going to "stay out of it", yet they can't understand that by not outing the cheater, it means they are in the middle of it....nurturing it to continue.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I want to know the truth. I would find a way to inform the spouse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I would have wanted the truth, definitely, had anyone known that my husband was cheating and wondered whether to tell me. But many wives (perhaps husbands too) don't want to know. It forces them to confront the situation and often they don't want to deal with it. They'd rather pretend.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

I can't do it. I did stop talking to my "friend". I told her I was uncomfortable listening to her affair stories and needed a break. I don't know her husband very well and he does have some mental issues. I don't have any particular feelings of allegiance to the husband, I just know how it feels to be the unsuspecting spouse.

I have listened to my friend for months justifying her affair and I was able to gain a lot of how a cheater can rationalize their behavior. It's amazing how someone can compartmentalize and justify their actions. 

I have gone back and forth on if and how I could tell the spouse and remain anonymous but there are only one or two people that know of the affair that my friend would probably deduce it was me that ratted her out. 

I am sick right now and in treatment and really don't want stress in my life. If I come out of treatment ok, I will tell the unsuspecting husband.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Keep this in mind. This "friend" is happily choosing to cheat on and lie to her husband. He's someone she exchanged vows with. This friend is not a person to be trusted to relied upon at all because if she'll betray her husband and vows, she'll lie and betray your friends twice as easily.

She's no friend to anyone.

They so called mental problems her husband has are most likely more lies she's told you to justify her affair and blame her husband. Most likely the biggest problem he is suffering from is his gut warning him that his wife is a backstabbing cheater.


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## Jadiel (Oct 10, 2012)

The only dissent I can add to this is WHY are you doing it?

If your answer is because you see something wrong happening and you want to make it right, because you care about the people involved and you'd want to be told, then more power to you.

If you're just doing it to kick a hornets nest and see what kind of drama you can stir up because you're a jerk, then screw off. Go find another way to entertain yourself.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Jadiel said:


> The only dissent I can add to this is WHY are you doing it?
> 
> If your answer is because you see something wrong happening and you want to make it right, because you care about the people involved and you'd want to be told, then more power to you.
> 
> If you're just doing it to kick a hornets nest and see what kind of drama you can stir up because you're a jerk, then screw off. Go find another way to entertain yourself.


Why does the reason for doing the right thing matter? 

The friend is a self admitted cheater, there no doubt or uncertainty, she's cheating. So why does anything other than the truth and doing the decent thing of informing the husband of the truth matter?


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

The why is because I was cheated on and no the feeling on being kept in the dark.

The why I can't is because I don't want drama in MY life. I have never made anyone else's business my business and it keeps people out of mine.

I just wanted opinions.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

She is making it your business by sharing the sordid details and justifications with you. Personally I would be pissed off at that. I would put an end to it the fastest way possible, and that is exposure.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

I would want you to tell me, so long as you have evidence


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## PastOM (Apr 12, 2013)

Hey Rugs,

Please expose. I know it's hard for you, but you should do it for many reasons:

The WS: she doesn't really know what she's up to. There is a the fog and all that.

The BS: well, he deserves to know. He is building his entire life based on his perception of his marriage ... good or bad. He deserves the information with which to make decisions.

The kids: if any, clearly the stresses of this family relationship will cause lifelong changes in their attitudes towards relationships.

The OM and OMW: well ...

You: you know it's the right thing. It's causing you to trigger and frankly you sound conflicted - not fair to you.

Your relationships with your man: secrets are secrets. Don't become comfortable as the depository for secrets.

The universe: it will be a better place.

Me: so that I have faith in the universe. 

Sorry for your conflict - be well and good luck!


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

im sorry rugs for you, really i am you are the reason i have VERY little hope in humanity. my BF's ex came up to me once and asked if he was cheating would i tell her HECK YEAH was the answer.

Now my wife HAD a bf who cheated on her husband was scared to tell me, she did. i told her she could still be fiends with her but no more GNO with her (wife hasnt GNO in 4 years so no worries there) well 6 months later MY WIFE cut her bf of 22 years out of her life completly. reason she cant be friends with someone who would do something like that


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

I need to tell the BW about her POS WH. He betrayed her, and was party to at least two other betrayals that I know of. As far as I know they're still together. 
Why haven't I yet? Not a high priority in my personal life, the events happened a couple years ago, they live 400 miles from me and I've never met either of them (WH better hope I never do). Maybe they are in R, or false R. I don't believe his story to his OW that they got discovered and he spilled the whole thing, That's what a WH would tell to his OW I suppose. Then of course he went right on cheating with the OW for another two years. 
He deserves to have his life turn to hell. 
The BW doesn't deserve hell, but she doesn't know she's living in it, or thinks it's two years ago. 
I hate to think of the pain she has yet to go through. I hate to think also of her living a lie with that POS POS POS a**hat.
So there's my conflict with it. 
It needs to happen. I just hate that she's going to go through pain she may have already been through the first time it came up.


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