# My husband is having an affair!



## Angel In Crisis (Jun 30, 2009)

OK..not the kind of affair you might typically think of. But it's an affair none the less. My husband is an addict. Alcohol was his choice, now it's sleeping pills. Mainly because he went through rehab for th alcohol and now says he is sober. Yeah, right. Not when you can still smell it! Anyway...let me back up some....

My husband and I got married 5 years ago. He drank when I met him. After we got married, he slowed down and we had a great relationship. Then, we moved and its been downhill since. He began drinking more and more until I kicked him out. About a month later, he went to rehab. Things really didn't improve once he came back home. Now there is the lying, deception, and total lack of trust. He doesn't work, nor is he looking for work whole-heartedly. I feel used and walked on.

I know he is a good man cause I have seen it. But after four years (the first one went pretty ok) of being the only one working to build this marriage and home, I am spent. My heart is heavy and hard. I have become bitter and full of resentment. It's kinda sickening considering five years ago I was a strong independent lady. I know, I allowed that to be taken and now I want it back. I want my confidence back. I am totally miserable.

When I confront him on this, he says he is going through a mid-life crisis. I half-joke back saying if he is going through mid-life crisis now, there will be no seven year itch! LOL 

But seriously, it's been hard watching him kill himself everyday little by little. He says he will work on it but always goes back. He won't take the steps needed to better himself. 

I want to leave, or should I say have him leave. Is this a good enough reason to call it quits? He has let himself go to the point that I do not sleep in the same room as him. He has absolutely no consideration for my feelings. I have been there for him and even started going to Alanon to have an outlet to understand more about an addict's thinking. 

Can anyone help? I am at my wit's end. I am very depressed and afraid of some of the thoughts that go through my head. I have two boys to think about, both of which are stepsons to my husband. Any help would be great.


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## SadTimes (Jun 30, 2009)

He doesn't work-- so are you supporting him? It sounds to me like you are enabling his behavior. Even though you are being tough on him at home, it's not enough. He is still able to continue his behavior. I think he needs a total wake-up call. If it were me, I would try to do some kind of intervention, or just leave altogether with the boys. I am no expert on this, though. What do they say in your al-anon group? Have they directed you to resources in your community for this? The problem is too big for you to handle alone.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

I have a few questions:

1. If you knew the day you said "I do", that he was an addict/alcoholic, AND what you would be up against, would you still have said "I do again?". 

2. Is this the best atmosphere you can find for raising two sons?

3. Would you want YOUR mother exposing you to life with an alcoholic/druggie?

I believe your answer will be NO on all, am I correct? In this case, I think you should leave.

When a wife _puts up with_ this type of partner, *she is enabling him to continue to NOT suffer the consequences of his own choice to continue addiction and or alcoholism*. 

You would be doing FOUR people a HUGE favor to tell your dh goodbye. It is HIS fault you cannot stay with him, not YOURS. Leaving him IS loving him (and your children) under HIS circumstances.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

Sandy55 said:


> You would be doing FOUR people a HUGE favor to tell your dh goodbye. It is HIS fault you cannot stay with him, not YOURS. Leaving him IS loving him (and your children) under HIS circumstances.


direct quote from the codependency manifesto....and i hate to say it, but it's correct. with one exception:

put together a return strategy...x amount of months sober, no bull****...

list a bunch of tangible improvement you expect with this new-found sobriety.

if the man accomplishes the goals, come home and hold him to his "new self." enjoy the rewards of God's influence.


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