# Is she cheating?



## Timber (May 30, 2012)

Ok so I'm going to start this out by saying that I'm haven't been a very good husband in the past. For most of our marriage I've been more happy "being with myself" than having a sexual relationship with my wife. We'd go month with no sex and I think at one point even more than a year. I'm not an emotionally intimate person and over time she hasn't really been one either.

Now over the past several years we have had problems mostly stemming from her anger over me losing my job and not being able to get a new job. She had to pick up a second job at night (important part of the story) and was putting in some serious hours trying to keep us afloat. I finally got a job but it's working with her at her day job. I'm making good money but I think it's hard on her having to see me every day.

We've been married for going on 9 years and have been together for 19 year.

Now onto my story. She has always been pretty much an open book, I've always known her passwords but never had reason to check any of her stuff. A few months ago I started noticing that she'd always be on Facebook, when I'd use her iPad she'd make sure to log out which I thought was odd because I never log out of FB. Then I would notice her texting this guy for long periods at a time right in front of me. As it turns out the guy she was texting she worked with at her night job. Whenever she would talk to me about her night job she wouldn't mention his name but would mention other people's names which would again me suspicious. So on nights she wasn't working she would fall asleep on the couch and wouldn't come to bed around 2am and still be messing around on her phone in bed. I'm starting to get angry but I never say anything about it to avoid the confrontation. 

I finally start trying to log into her Facebook account but it's not a password she usually uses. I figure out the password and I see messages between her and this guy with her saying what she would like to do with him, words she's never used with me in our 19 years together. I get furious and confront her about it that night but I don't tell her what I found and she never admits anything but turns things around on me saying that I've known we've been having problems for a long time. I let it go and do what I probably shouldn't do and try to make things better between us. I'm made a concerted effort not to "be with myself" and improve our sexual relationship. In the back of my mind I still think something is going on so after a few weeks go by I confront her again only this time I tell her what I saw. She says it was just a fantasy but won't say anything else, she says she hasn't slept with anyone else.

So again I let it go but still every time her phone goes off I'm wondering what's going on, whenever I wake up in the middle of the night and see her on her phone I'm wondering what's going on.

I don't know what to do. Other than the thoughts constantly in my head things haven't been this good sexually with us in years. But how much do should I bite my tongue? 

Sorry for the long rambling post, just needed to get this off of my chest.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Do not confront her from now on, until you find hard evidence of PA and/or EA.

Which phone is she using? You can get deleted texts on some.

Install a keylogger on her computer, this way you'll find secret email accounts and deleted fb messages.

Is her night job involves plenty of people or she alone for the most part?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Talking to any guy like that is cheating. Plain and simple. Your wife is cheating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Vanton68 (Feb 5, 2012)

When you wake up in the middle of the night and she is on the phone, don't say a word at any point, snatch the phone (have your keys ready), go get in your car and drive to some place so you can park. Then check her phone. 

When you go back and she wants to give you hell. Explain that she has given you every reason to think the worst and you had to find out for yourself


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

You need to tell her how her sexual talk with this man hurt you and if she is serious on working on your marriage she needs to lay it all on the table and if you can make her happy now or is it too late, ask her that. I went thru something similar with my h, keeping it bottled in made it worse, and my anxiety grew. She needs to make a no contact with this guy both at work and not at work, if she is serious and sorry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

She's definitely into that guy at work, although I couldn't guess how far that has gone. It will turn into a physical affair soon if it hasn't already. She's certainly thinking about it...the fantasies.



> Ok so I'm going to start this out by saying that I'm haven't been a very good husband in the past. For most of our marriage I've been more happy "being with myself" than having a sexual relationship with my wife. We'd go month with no sex and I think at one point even more than a year. I'm not an emotionally intimate person and over time she hasn't really been one either.


To me, this sounds like the two of you already had lots of issues and distance between you. Why do you choose to masturbate rather than have sex with your wife? A year is a very long time. Many couples start to fall apart when their sex life is close to zero.

I'm not saying you don't have a right to honesty from her - if she is thinking of other men, she needs to tell you so that you two can figure out what you want to do with your marriage. She shouldn't be starting affairs behind your back (or in front since she's texting him right there next to you!).

But if you prefer masturbation over sex with your wife, and you aren't emotionally intimate either, then maybe you don't really want to be married?


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## Timber (May 30, 2012)

I thought about the keylogger but got frustrated looking for one that wasn't a virus. Any one that is recommended? Also she uses her phone and iPad far more than her laptop.

She's using an android phone but also using fb messenger on there.

Her night job is at a restaurant so plenty of people but I do know she'll eat dinner with him at the end of the night. That she told me before I brought anything up.


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## Timber (May 30, 2012)

norajane said:


> To me, this sounds like the two of you already had lots of issues and distance between you. Why do you choose to masturbate rather than have sex with your wife? A year is a very long time. Many couples start to fall apart when their sex life is close to zero.
> 
> But if you prefer masturbation over sex with your wife, and you aren't emotionally intimate either, then maybe you don't really want to be married?


Here's the thing, I love having sex with my wife but I have a bit of a porn addiction and I was having a hard time "completing". It's sort of embarrassing as a man when you can't finish or even start at times. I was masturbating to the point where I could not be with my wife.

I've had to make a concerted effort not to watch porn but by not doing it it's made being with my wife far easier.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Timber said:


> I thought about the keylogger but got frustrated looking for one that wasn't a virus. Any one that is recommended? Also she uses her phone and iPad far more than her laptop.
> 
> She's using an android phone but also using fb messenger on there.
> 
> Her night job is at a restaurant so plenty of people but I do know she'll eat dinner with him at the end of the night. That she told me before I brought anything up.


Most if not all keyloggers will get stuck on the anti-virus side. You might want to disbale them temporarily. Try desktopshark, they have a free trial or a very cheap version.

For the androids, I don't think there is a way to get deleted texts but you can store the new one's. If you can get a few minutes with the phone try these, SMS Backup ~ Android Application v1.1.1 By Christoph Studer | Tools http://www.androlib.com/android.application.com-riteshsahu-smsbackuprestore-zCEB.aspx

Can you check up on her towards the end of her shift? Or have a friend follow her?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Cut the porn, dude. Just do it.
Sit on your hands, make sudoku, clean the garage... whatever. Cut it.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Timber said:


> Here's the thing, I love having sex with my wife but I have a bit of a porn addiction and I was having a hard time "completing". It's sort of embarrassing as a man when you can't finish or even start at times. I was masturbating to the point where I could not be with my wife.
> 
> I've had to make a concerted effort not to watch porn but by not doing it it's made being with my wife far easier.


Your marriage is feeling the repercussions of this. Your wife is going elsewhere for the attention she hasn't been getting from you. 



> I get furious and confront her about it that night but I don't tell her what I found and she never admits anything but *turns things around on me saying that I've known we've been having problems for a long time.*


She's not turning things around on you when she says you've known that you've been having problems for a long time. She is stating a fact - your marriage has been in trouble for a long time, and is still in trouble. That she's paying so much attention to this guy is just one more sign highlighting the trouble your marriage was already in. 

She was probably feeling unattractive, unsexy, unwanted, hurt, disappointed, angry that her own husband didn't want her enough to have sex with her...and then this new guy came along and started treating her like he thinks she is something special. I'm sure that felt very gratifying and appealing to her. Flattering. She started feeling sexy again. 

If you two aren't good at communicating and aren't emotionally intimate, I really don't know how you'd work through this to get to a better place. I don't think you can turn this around just by starting to have sex with her more often now. That's a start, certainly, but you have to address her years of feelings and frustrations and resentments about your porn addiction, and the effect it's had on her self-esteem and your entire marital dynamic before you can have a healthy marriage. I'm sure she's lost some respect for you, and made her feel like she was alone in the marriage...which makes it easier for her to turn to someone else.

Read some of the threads here written by the women married to men with porn addictions - they are deeply sad at what has happened to their husbands and their relationships, and struggle a great deal. It might help you understand your wife's perspective a little better.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

They've had sex.


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## Timber (May 30, 2012)

norajane said:


> She's not turning things around on you when she says you've known that you've been having problems for a long time. She is stating a fact - your marriage has been in trouble for a long time, and is still in trouble. That she's paying so much attention to this guy is just one more sign highlighting the trouble your marriage was already in.


The reason I highlighted my faults was to show that I'm not blameless here. If I'm such a bad guy though what's stopping her from being honest with me? When I ask what I've done to deserve this she wouldn't answer me. Even trying to guilt her by saying that spending 20 years with someone should at least grant me a little honesty didn't work. If she blames it all on me I'm fine with that, I just don't like being lied to.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

... Or maybe they haven't.

Nonetheless, her behavior is inappropriate.

Tell her to end the contact with him. Then get into marriage counselling. 

Why aren't you having sex with your wife? 

If you do not think you will have sex with her in the future nor do you truly want to have a sexual relationship with her, be honest with her. Then let her decide if she wants to stay in a sexless marriage.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Timber said:


> The reason I highlighted my faults was to show that I'm not blameless here. If I'm such a bad guy though what's stopping her from being honest with me? When I ask what I've done to deserve this she wouldn't answer me. Even trying to guilt her by saying that spending 20 years with someone should at least grant me a little honesty didn't work. If she blames it all on me I'm fine with that, I just don't like being lied to.


I don't know why she won't come out and say it. How have you reacted in the past when she's talked with you about your porn addiction and the effect it's had? Or other touchy issues, like your difficulty finding a new job? Do you open up to each other, or does it just turn into an argument?

It seems what's happened is: sustained porn addiction and lack of sex has led to emotional distance has led to a shaky marriage has led to her opening up to another man who makes her feel good about herself. How would you react if she told you that? Maybe she doesn't want to open that whole can of worms that leads back to sex, intimacy and porn? Or maybe she has tried to work on this with you but has given up?


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## Jibril (May 23, 2012)

Timber said:


> The reason I highlighted my faults was to show that I'm not blameless here. If I'm such a bad guy though what's stopping her from being honest with me? When I ask what I've done to deserve this she wouldn't answer me. Even trying to guilt her by saying that spending 20 years with someone should at least grant me a little honesty didn't work. If she blames it all on me I'm fine with that, I just don't like being lied to.


Your marital problems by no means _justifies_ her infidelity (and yes, I believe she is indeed cheating).

But the question is - is there a marriage to _save_ at this point? You both seem so detached and distant that it will take _serious_ hard work and dedication from you and her to re-establish a connection. Your porn addiction has ruined your sex-life, and the fact that you haven't worked for a significant amount of time has damaged her perception of you as a man.

You may very well be able to end her affair by exposing it to her family and co-workers/friends. But she may not want to reconnect with you. She will need a marriage she wants to come _back_ to if you want to reconcile, and she _may_ not be willing to work things out. You need to be prepared to let her go, and file for divorce if it comes to that.


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## Timber (May 30, 2012)

Jibril said:


> ...and the fact that you haven't worked for a significant amount of time has damaged her perception of you as a man.


I think more than anything else this is the reason. It sucked being unemployed but for someone that has never had to look for a "real" job I don't think she understands how hard it is to find one.


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## Timber (May 30, 2012)

Jibril said:


> But the question is - is there a marriage to _save_ at this point? You both seem so detached and distant that it will take _serious_ hard work and dedication from you and her to re-establish a connection.


And while we indeed are detached from each other we still do thing together, hell she's planning a summer vacation for us at this very point.


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## Jibril (May 23, 2012)

Timber said:


> And while we indeed are detached from each other we still do thing together, hell she's planning a summer vacation for us at this very point.


I don't know what to say to that. It may be that there is something in the marriage that she feels is worth saving. Or, it may be that she has grown comfortable with the status quo, and doesn't want to lose her home and lifestyle.

I'm a bit cynical, so I suspect it's the latter.

If you want to reconnect with your wife, you need to expose the affair to family, friends, and coworkers. While suggestive texts will certainly alert them to the affair, they aren't really conclusive - she could downplay the texts easily.

You may want to dig a bit deeper, and do some sleuthing. Hire a PI, or purchase a voice-activated recorder if she drives to work. Bugging her car may give you the smoking gun you need.

Also, she syncs her iPad to your computer, right? iTunes?

I swear I saw a post recently that explained how to recover deleted texts from iPad/iPhone devices. Let me see if i can find that.


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## Jibril (May 23, 2012)

Yep, here we go. check out the following link, and see if you can put the information to use.

Way to retrieve deleted text messages from iphone - Truth About Deception

It only mentions the iPhone device, but it may very well work with iPads too (I don't know for sure, as I've never done it).

Worth a shot, though.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Ya, there is a big time detachment going on here, she has someone else to attach to.
#1 rule until the other man is completely out of the picture the dynamics of the marriage will be effected.

In short, you are in a lossing battle until OM is gone.

I have been around long enough to see the red flags man.

Your wife has repalced you and will not hurt you by telling you the truth, She will lie on her childrens lives before admitting to the pain she is causing you.

So I suggest you quitely investigate for your self to see if you are getting screwed. So please protect your self from more pain and deciet and bring this evidence forward and then confront your wife and see if both of you can face this crap and .......what ever the hell it is you guys can offer up a deal that will start up a healthier marriage and new marriage were the both of you can mee t each others needs.

Sorry man, about the job, it sucks and after a while I just got back on my feet. It sucks when they start giving you crap but at the end of the day you jst have to alph male up and treat them like women instead of a wife.

Again until OM is confirmed and admitted to and dealt with and removed your marriage is screwed.


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## JustWaiting (Jun 28, 2011)

In the end, it's your wife who has to confront herself. You had no job and she lost all respect for you. She is looking for outside validation; and given the lack of respect, the boundaries will move back until they disappear.

They say living well is the best revenge. It's also the best solution. Wash a dish. Plant a rose bush. Put up a new drape or shower curtain without telling her. Don't go buy her something. It won't matter. Don't think talking and reasoning or confrontation will accomplish anything. If she thinks you're lazy and don't care, she's got the "why bother" attitude. If you think it would be better to work somewhere other than with her, find another good job. 

It's not just some other guy she's talking with. She's probably got a friend or two she's badmouthed you to and who "supports" her. And she's talking to herself, rewriting the worst kind of history.

So, give her something new to talk about---a new and improved you. It won't happen overnight, but it can and does happen.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GTA06 (Feb 17, 2012)

Timber:
it's important that you lay down your terms and conditons for your marriage to successfully proceed .and in the mean time work on yourself making yourself financially secure and engaging in in some good hobbies .Ask her about the shortcomings she feels are there in the marriage and if her points are valid then start working on them selectively.
Good Luck.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Timber said:


> I think more than anything else this is the reason. It sucked being unemployed but for someone that has never had to look for a "real" job I don't think she understands how hard it is to find one.


Ah, so it appears that there is some conflict here regarding your job search. What do you do all day while she is working two jobs to keep the marriage afloat? Is it possible that her burden is heavier than you give her credit for? Is is possible that she does not feel appreciated by you?

No, I am not excusing what she might be doing, but seeing it from the point of view of a woman who may feel over burdened, unappreciated, and deprived from the lack of intimacy.

How do you handle marital conflict? Discuss it lovingly with concern and respect for her feelings, or do you brush her off, bully her, try to control her?

You see, while I again do not condone what she might be doing, I can see where she might be searching elsewhere for the validation that she seems to crave. Each of you need to take ownership of the problems in your marriage.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Timber said:


> And while we indeed are detached from each other we still do thing together, hell she's planning a summer vacation for us at this very point.


maybe OM is married and she knows she can't just up and leave for him

get all the info you can about OM


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## Timber (May 30, 2012)

Few points and I'll just try and cover them all in one post.

Yes the OM is married from what I can tell although he fb page is gone now, probably because I messaged him and said I know what is going on.

I know her burden was heavy during my search. I did what I could, I made sure the house was clean, the clothes done anything I could so she wouldn't have to do anything extra at home.

When I confronted her she asked me what I wanted her to do. She said she would quit the second job but I challenged her and said there was no way she would do that. In my mind she has the best of both worlds, she can be angry at me for her working the second job but she can also see the OM by working the second job. I told her to quit or at least cut back the other job to 2 nights a week, she still hasn't done that under the guise of us not having enough money if she does it.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

when you get hard evidence, you need to find OM's wife and tell her. It's a good chance that he will throw your wife under the bus to save his own skin and destroy the affair.


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## Timber (May 30, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> when you get hard evidence, you need to find OM's wife and tell her. It's a good chance that he will throw your wife under the bus to save his own skin and destroy the affair.


That's basically what I said when I messaged the OM. I said "I just wanted you to know that I know what's going on. I hope your wife knows as well."

Now they're no longer fb friends and I can't find his account any longer. I find it interesting that she didn't say anything to me about it since one would assume that he told her about it.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Dude, you know she had or is having an affair. You broched the subject with the OM and what does he do? He deletes his account. If he had nothing to hide, he would have been like, " Who the hell is this? There's nothing going on dude!" He wouldn't have to hide.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Timber said:


> That's basically what I said when I messaged the OM. I said "I just wanted you to know that I know what's going on. I hope your wife knows as well."
> 
> Now they're no longer fb friends and I can't find his account any longer. I find it interesting that she didn't say anything to me about it since one would assume that he told her about it.



dont discount the possibility that he blocked you on FB making it look to you like he took down his account, have you checked on HER account?


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## Timber (May 30, 2012)

Yeah, he isn't on her account any longer. When I noticed that they weren't friends anymore it's what set me off the second time. Made me feel like there was something to hide. Doesn't really matter though they can still IM even if they aren't friends.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

well start the investigation, does she sync the ipad? does she also have an iphone?


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## Timber (May 30, 2012)

No, she doesn't sync the iPad, I think they're all wireless now. 

She has an Android phone but it's something that always on her. I used to know her code but she changed it but I've seen her put it in so I know it again, just haven't had the chance to get a hold of it.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

well the phone will likely yeild results then, since she is clutching to it

look into phone spyware for her model and when she's sleeping get it on there stat


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Get help for the porn. You are way overboard with it. When it affects your ability to perform it is a problem. Has your wife talked about this with you?

She became the bread winner. During your unemployed time did you basically sit around at home? Not trying to come down hard on you but your wife has lost respect for you. I suspect your view of things not being intimate and emotional in your marriage is correct from your view, but I suspect your wife wants it at this point in her life. 

You guys have hope. But your marriage needs serious work. You my friend need to pick up the slack and help her with the vacation planning. Get excited about it. While you are investigating start giving your wife more time. 

I don't think she is bailing on you like an exit A. 

Sucks being here but start working on your issues during this time


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## Timber (May 30, 2012)

I've found in the past month that if I can "distract" myself with sex regularly I don't need to go back to the porn. I do need to fight myself not go go back to it though. I have no problems performing now which makes it easier to initiate sex.

Yes I sat around at home but I also made sure things at home were done and she didn't need to do any of the at home stuff.

I get that my wife lost respect for me but what was I supposed to do? I don't have a college education, since I dropped out of college to be with her (big mistake), the country was in a depression and nobody was hiring. Sure I could have gotten a job a Target or somewhere like that but when unemployment is paying me more than that how could I financially justify doing that and putting us in an even worse hole?


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