# Marriage satisfaction survey



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

In the later part of last week, I had asked H if he would be interested in taking a marriage satisfaction survey with me (from the book, "Feeling Good Together" by David Burns, MD). He said "sure!" I sat the book on our counter after getting home, and it's been there ever since. I had thought that we could set a few minutes aside to do this this past long weekend, as it's only 7 questions long, but we couldn't make it work. What did happen though was that H was MUCH more attentive, wanting to spend some time together, helped around the house for the first time in at least a month, and he cooked breakfast AND supper on the same day, which is really odd (I cook about 95% of the time, with H making the odd meal). It was nice, but kind of makes me feel like he's now trying because I asked him to do that survey with me and he wants a good score. I asked again last night, and he's still interested in doing it, but then the TV went on, and in front of it he went. I don't want to keep pushing, but I want us to do this. I want to know how he feels in our marriage, but maybe he doesn't want me to know, and maybe he doesn't want to know how I really feel. I've got another appointment with the therapist next week, and I'd like to take the results to her.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

Are you being direct when you ask about the survey? Or are you suggesting that it should be done? What happens if you just tell him that you want to sit and do it at whatever time, or tell him pick a day/time, or ask him to do it on his own by whatever day and you'll discuss both of them at whatever time.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Keke24 said:


> Are you being direct when you ask about the survey? Or are you suggesting that it should be done? What happens if you just tell him that you want to sit and do it at whatever time, or tell him pick a day/time, or ask him to do it on his own by whatever day and you'll discuss both of them at whatever time.




This. ^^^^^

All you did was ask interest. 

Tell him ahead of time when you will do the survey together, confirm that he agrees with the date and time, order pizza delivery and just do it. 

Before taking the survey, agree on the timing for answers, 6 months for example. 

So if the question is - are you satisfied with the amount of housework your spouse does, it will be answered assuming the last 6 months and not the last few days he was suddenly helping so as to increase his score.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

You're right, I've merely and probably meekly suggested that we take time to do it. It was the same thing with our finances; I had wanted to nail those down before we moved in together, but it didn't happen until a few months post wedding and only because I had said that I was so stressed about them that my chest consistently hurt. Then we finally made (and stuck to) a date to go through them. H suggested that we do the survey tonight together. So, we'll see what comes of it (I'm more than a little nervous)... :-|


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

Ursula said:


> You're right, I've merely and probably meekly suggested that we take time to do it. It was the same thing with our finances; I had wanted to nail those down before we moved in together, but it didn't happen until a few months post wedding and only because I had said that I was so stressed about them that my chest consistently hurt. Then we finally made (and stuck to) a date to go through them. H suggested that we do the survey tonight together. So, we'll see what comes of it (I'm more than a little nervous)... :-|


Good to hear! I made the same mistake in the beginning when I told my partner about His Needs Her Needs and the Needs Questionnaire. I got the book and the questionnaires and left them on the table for him to read. Of course he didn't do it. So had to get more aggressive and ask for a time to do it together. And right at that meeting I had him sit and read a chapter I wanted to focus on and then we did the Questionnaire together. I had to keep reminding myself not to get express my hurt and be defensive when we exchanged responses so I kept reminding myself of what I read about Karpman's Drama Triangle to avoid an unproductive discussion. I was pleasantly surprised by some of his dissatisfaction. I tried to ask as many questions as possible and take advantage of that perfect opportunity for deep conversation about our relationship. In the end he admitted that it was a good idea and an eye opener. I think it really initiated a different approach to the relationship on his part. We've been doing so much better in dealing with our disagreements ever since and he's so much more open to communicating about issues than he was prior to that discussion. I think it showed him that I'm not just trying to nag and he didn't need to run away from talking about issues all the time.

So take full advantage of that survey. It could really set a precedent for him on deep conversation about your marriage. Make sure it doesn't turn into arguing and defensiveness as opposed to understanding, honesty and openness. Since this was your initiative, take control and guide the conversation.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Looks like he's worried about getting a bad score. Maybe press the issue a little harder and say that you can do it now and then perhaps in six months from now (so that he can get a better score).


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## urf (Feb 18, 2017)

don't you know what your husband i thinking and feeling? If yes then is there a real reason to make an issue from thin air? If no the why not.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Maybe he did the test when you weren't looking, got a poor score and is now working toward getting a good score in the real test?


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

We took the survey last night, and both scored 17, which means "very dissatisfied". I was surprised and relieved that his score was similar to mine, and we talked about each category, and why we chose the scores we chose. It was an actual discussion/calm talk, and not a fight, which was a pleasant surprise for us both, I think. 

Communication/openness - we both rated 1 out of 6, and even though there have been small improvements in our communication, we're not open with each other at all. I don't feel like I can talk to him without offending him, and he dislikes the fact that I don't talk to him about anything important.

Resolving conflict - I rated 1; he rated 2 because we've been getting a bit better with this with the last couple fights, but we have a long way to go.

Affection/caring - we both rated 4 because we both care about one another. I don't love him the way I probably ought to, and I have no idea if he loves me that way either, but we aren't angry with one another, and we care about the wellbeing of one another.

Intimacy/closeness - he rated 1; I rated 2 - this was generous for me to give, and I could've easily rated it a 0 because we aren't close friends or lovers, I don't feel close to him at all, and our lives have taken divergent paths, with none of our interests overlapping. Sometimes, we'll get away for a weekend in the summer and do some hiking and photography, but that's about the only time, and I don't know how strong a relationship could be if a couple only connects a couple weekends a year. Short of that, the only time we really spend together is during supper, which we eat in the living room while we watch a show on TV. Our sex life is also awful. He's been trying different things/moves a little more often, but I'm just really not into it, never initiate, and have zero interest, possibly because I'm not overly attracted to him, and I checked out so long ago and don't know if it's possible to check back in. We also don't have common values, goals, spiritual beliefs, political stances, etc. What brought us together in the first place, I think, was that we have a lot of common interests (that we don't take part in much anymore).

"My" role in the relationship - he rated himself a 4; I rated myself a 3 - He feels that he does a lot and tries to connect, which he definitely does more than me. I just often don't understand where he's coming from, as he takes his "moves" from great literatures, or turn of the century shows, which I don't know how to respond to. He has picked it up a bit in terms of helping around the house and not just standing around and watching me scurry around. I rated myself a 3 (neutral) because I do a lot around the house, but I don't do a lot for our intimate relationship.

Spouse's role in the relationship - he rated me a 2; I rated him a 3 - because he has picked it up a bit more and is making more of an effort for now. I know he tries to be more intimate by touching, giving hugs, etc., but I just feel like that is forced, and I'm not sure how to get it to not feel like that. He rated me a 2 because of my lack of openness and not initiating intimacies. 

Overall satisfaction - we both rated this a 3 (neutral) - I can't remember his reasonings, but I chose this because while I'm really unhappy in many aspects, things could be much, much worse. I hear of people who married their best friend, and I get a bit sad because we didn't have time to develop much of a friendship before marriage, so I would probably consider him more of an acquaintance. I hear of people who are abused, cheated on, married a drunk, and I'm thankful; we treat each other well and don't put each other through any of that. Our sex life might be awful, but he doesn't force me to do things I'd really rather not do (I've been told in past relationships that BJs were my "job", and was made to feel really diminished when my jaws got sore and I couldn't finish my "job"), so that I'm thankful for. I do wish communication could be better, but am thankful for the second income given the cost of living in this day and age. I would love to have a family, and a strong relationship, but am thankful that I found someone to put up with me and all my shortcomings, as well as someone who loves travelling as much as I do. Maybe my tradeoff for a not having children will be many worldly adventures, and really, how bad is that?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

The big question now is where do you go from here? "status quo" or "we need help and we need it now?"


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Ursula said:


> You're right, I've merely and probably meekly suggested that we take time to do it. It was the same thing with our finances; I had wanted to nail those down before we moved in together, but it didn't happen until a few months post wedding and only because I had said that I was so stressed about them that my chest consistently hurt. Then we finally made (and stuck to) a date to go through them. H suggested that we do the survey tonight together. So, we'll see what comes of it (I'm more than a little nervous)... *:-|*


That emoticon. The typed-in one, above.

The lips. Make those lips smile. 

When you interface with your husband make those lips smile. Almost always.

A smile, plus inter-communication, plus intercourse, cements the uptick on the corners of the mouth. His and Her towels are dampened wet by the sweat, love, passion.... minus the tears. 

And, it makes turning the corners in your marriage smoother. 

Tone down the anxiety. Play louder the love.

Anxious tension belongs in the bedroom....not in the living room.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> Maybe he did the test when you weren't looking, got a poor score and is now working toward getting a good score in the real test?


Maybe he did it in the kitchen, while cooking.

It was a "Herb" Score.

Poor guy got a line-drive between the eyes. Reading his score, Hubby too, felt the wham! Ouch!


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

What's a "Herb" score?

And yes, maybe he did the survey while cooking. I'm sorry, but going by your post, I don't understand what I did wrong. I'll need a little help in understanding here. Not trying to be a [email protected]$$, I just really don't understand, but would like to.



SunCMars said:


> Maybe he did it in the kitchen, while cooking.
> 
> It was a "Herb" Score.
> 
> Poor guy got a line-drive between the eyes. Reading his score, Hubby too, felt the wham! Ouch!


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Ursula said:


> . I would love to have a family, and a strong relationship, but am thankful that I found someone to put up with me and all my shortcomings, as well as someone who loves travelling as much as I do. Maybe my tradeoff for a not having children will be many worldly adventures, and really, how bad is that?


Regarding the survey, I think that it is a positive thing that your husband also gave your marriage a low score. If he would have been completely satisfied, then you would be more discouraged about chances of any potential improvements. 

I also enjoy my life with travel. Because I don't have any children, I should be able to retire in my early 50's and spent months at a time just traveling. One caveat for you though: If emotional intimacy doesn't improve with your husband, then traveling won't be that enjoyable either. My wife and I also don't have that closeness either so I no longer pursue romantic trips. We do treat each other nicely though and have some common interests. 

Because you are the one on a relationship forum, I guess that you feel you are more romantic than he is, as I do regarding my wife.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

That's excellent that you'll be able to retire so young, Steve! And yes, I think it's positive that we both have a low score, and we're on the same page in this. And no, I can't imagine that much of anything would be a joy if the emotional intimacy doesn't improve. In regards to romance, I would probably say that he's the more romantic of the two of us, but I don't really understand his style, as it is based in turn of the century style, which is what he is into, and what he tends to gravitate to on TV. Either that, or he will hide heart-shaped stickers all over the house, and send me to find them in an evening. Neither or which I understand or really appreciate to be honest. I would be much happier if he offered to clean up from supper, or walk the dogs in the evening, or something that would allow allow me some time in an evening for a hot bath and a good book. I used to do little things for him, but haven't for quite some time because I've been checked out.




Steve1000 said:


> Regarding the survey, I think that it is a positive thing that your husband also gave your marriage a low score. If he would have been completely satisfied, then you would be more discouraged about chances of any potential improvements.
> 
> I also enjoy my life with travel. Because I don't have any children, I should be able to retire in my early 50's and spent months at a time just traveling. One caveat for you though: If emotional intimacy doesn't improve with your husband, then traveling won't be that enjoyable either. My wife and I also don't have that closeness either so I no longer pursue romantic trips. We do treat each other nicely though and have some common interests.
> 
> Because you are the one on a relationship forum, I guess that you feel you are more romantic than he is, as I do regarding my wife.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Ursula said:


> he will hide heart-shaped stickers all over the house, and send me to find them in an evening. Neither or which I understand or really appreciate to be honest. I would be much happier if he offered to clean up from supper, or walk the dogs in the evening, or something that would allow allow me some time in an evening for a hot bath and a good book. I used to do little things for him, but haven't for quite some time because I've been checked out.


Maybe communicate to him that the heart shaped stickers would be much more meaningful if he first did the simple things like help with cleaning up. If he is romantic, then I'd expect that he would want to walk the dogs together with you most of the time. What happens when you try to communicate with him about these deep issues?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Ursula said:


> What's a "Herb" score?
> 
> And yes, maybe he did the survey while cooking. I'm sorry, but going by your post, I don't understand what I did wrong. I'll need a little help in understanding here. *Not trying to be a [email protected]$$,* I just really don't understand, but would like to.


I try not to be a "Smart Ass", also. I fail miserably. Purposely, of course!

Herb Score was an All-Star baseball pitcher for the Cleveland Indians. He was felled by a line-drive hit [to the head] in 1957. He never was the same after that.

From your postings and your "score" on the test, it does not sound very promising. The passion is just "not there". 

I am not sure "love making" is important to you, but I'm sure it is to your husband. 

Let me ask a serious question: Do you believe that there exists a man that you could truly love.... You could truly hold?... You could passionately make love to?

If not, that is OK. 

Some people have cool natures. We call them low desire, LD.
Some people have cool natures with "some" lovers. 
Some people have cool natures that "flip" when the right person comes into their life. They gain real passion.

Do you fantasize about having a new life with a new man. In that fantasy, do you [can you] make passionate love to that man?


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

I haven't, actually. Everyone has their own way of expressing romantic ideas, and this is his. He thinks that the sticker gesture is very sweet, and it probably would be (I'd probably be over the moon) if we were in our teens, and it was a first boyfriend. However, we're 47 and 38, and my mind just isn't back in my teen years, so I don't really understand gestures like this. He thinks it's sweet though, and I've seen him tear up at my reaction (which I think he misunderstood for awe when it was really wide-eyed confusion), and so I let him have his fun.



Steve1000 said:


> Maybe communicate to him that the heart shaped stickers would be much more meaningful if he first did the simple things like help with cleaning up. If he is romantic, then I'd expect that he would want to walk the dogs together with you most of the time. *What happens when you try to communicate with him about these deep issues*?


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Thanks for the clarification on what a Herb score is, and yes, I believe that getting hit in the head with a baseball would cause a person to never be the same again. :|

Going by our survey scores, I actually saw it as being rather promising, as for once, we're on the same page, and I know that he's willing to work at it. I'm just not sure if I'm ready because you're right, the passion isn't there for me, and I don't know if it ever was. :frown2:

Love making is VERY important to me, and I have an incredibly high drive, just not with H for a variety of reasons. In answer to your question, yes, I believe that a man exists out there that I could truly love and hold, and be 100% passionate about. I know because it's something that I feel deep down in my soul. And yes, I absolutely fantasize about having a new life with a new man, and in that fantasy, there's a load of not only passion, but deep down love! It's something that I think about everyday. At 38 though (and for someone who would like a family), I'm running out of time. Personally, it doesn't matter to me how that family comes about though: starting one with the right man, incorporating myself into one that's already there, surrogacy or adoption. I'd just love to have the chance to have that little slice of life, and it makes me quite sad to think that it may never happen if I stick around with H for another few years to see if we can make a go of it, and actually improve this time. Is it even possible to fall in love with a spouse this late in the game?



SunCMars said:


> I try not to be a "Smart Ass", also. I fail miserably. Purposely, of course!
> 
> Herb Score was an All-Star baseball pitcher for the Cleveland Indians. He was felled by a line-drive hit [to the head] in 1957. He never was the same after that.
> 
> ...


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Ursula,
Incredibly honest post. 

What were your primary reasons for marrying him? 

Did you love/desire him at the point you married? 

Why do you think you lost that?



Ursula said:


> We took the survey last night, and both scored 17, which means "very dissatisfied". I was surprised and relieved that his score was similar to mine, and we talked about each category, and why we chose the scores we chose. It was an actual discussion/calm talk, and not a fight, which was a pleasant surprise for us both, I think.
> 
> Communication/openness - we both rated 1 out of 6, and even though there have been small improvements in our communication, we're not open with each other at all. I don't feel like I can talk to him without offending him, and he dislikes the fact that I don't talk to him about anything important.
> 
> ...


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

If surveys were enough to tell us how we think or feel my position would have been eliminated long time ago...

A 7 question survey may tell your company's IT folks if you like the new laser printer they installed. For a complex set of human interactions such as marriage, maybe 70 questions if not 700.

Signed... PhD social sciences 😁


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Hi Mem,

Honestly, when we got married, we didn't know each other well at all, and I remember saying to him on the honeymoon that it was going to be nice to have the time to get to know one another now. He agreed. 

My primary reason for marrying was financial. I had built a home a couple years prior, and at that point, was having to regularly pull out of savings to deal with the cost of living. I can't remember if I had voiced this to him, but at that point, I knew that I was either going to have to find a roommate, or get married. His proposal came 3 months after we started dating (I had known his family fairly well, and him vaguely for about 13 years before this). We had fun together hanging out, going hiking, photographing, participating in our shared common interests, which we no long participate in. At the time, H was 43 and living with his Mom. I think he may have saw our marriage as a good excuse to move out of her house. Other than that, we enjoyed spending time together, and our goals and values seemed to be on the same page, at that time.

At the time of our wedding, I cared about him, but can't say that I loved him deeply. I also had stopped desiring him, mostly because I was so tired with wedding planning, and the many weekend gatherings that his family planned at that time. There really wasn't much energy for anything else to be honest!

As for losing my love/desire, I'm not sure that I did because I can't recall if it was ever rooted there to begin with. 



MEM2020 said:


> Ursula,
> Incredibly honest post.
> 
> What were your primary reasons for marrying him?
> ...



Hi John,
I agree, but at least it gives us a jumping off point; something to start with. What we really need to do though is probably go talk to a marriage counsellor for more in-depth reasoning and evaluation. 



john117 said:


> If surveys were enough to tell us how we think or feel my position would have been eliminated long time ago...
> 
> A 7 question survey may tell your company's IT folks if you like the new laser printer they installed. For a complex set of human interactions such as marriage, maybe 70 questions if not 700.
> 
> Signed... PhD social sciences 😁


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

That's the thing. A trained marriage counselor can pick up the nuances that you don't see in surveys. Ask follow-up questions, drill in for issues, etc.

The trick is to be willing to go thru the process of counseling. That is 80%. The rest is up to the three of you to work out together.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Ursula said:


> Thanks for the clarification on what a Herb score is, and yes, I believe that getting hit in the head with a baseball would cause a person to never be the same again. :|
> 
> Going by our survey scores, I actually saw it as being rather promising, as for once, we're on the same page, and I know that he's willing to work at it. I'm just not sure if I'm ready because you're right, the passion isn't there for me, and I don't know if it ever was. :frown2:
> 
> Love making is VERY important to me, and I have an incredibly high drive, just not with H for a variety of reasons. In answer to your question, yes, I believe that a man exists out there that I could truly love and hold, and be 100% passionate about. I know because it's something that I feel deep down in my soul. *And yes, I absolutely fantasize about having a new life with a new man, and in that fantasy, there's a load of not only passion, but deep down love! It's something that I think about everyday.* *At 38 though (and for someone who would like a family), I'm running out of time. Personally, it doesn't matter to me how that family comes about though: starting one with the right man, incorporating myself into one that's already there, surrogacy or adoption.* I'd just love to have the chance to have that little slice of life, and it makes me quite sad to think that it may never happen if I stick around with H for another few years to see if we can make a go of it, and actually improve this time. Is it even possible to fall in love with a spouse this late in the game?



Thanks.

This is the real answer.

All your other postings have culminated to THIS.

Let your HB go. Let him be free. Do so, honestly, amicably and with fairness. Fairness, with respect to finances and in how you lay this....raw stew on his plate.

It is going to hurt him. More so, in the short run.

The short run is what you have with respect to having a biological child.

One of my daughters friends went through men like a buzzsaw. She could not hold a man. At 40 years of age she went to a fertility clinic and sperm bank. She picked out a tall blond father with a Masters Degree. The baby? Healthy and sassy. He has no degree, he pees his pants like crazy and suckles his Mom's boobs, like there is no tomorrow. Daughter's BFF is a happy dame.

You are different. You can hold a grown man, hold him close to your boobs. He gets no wet milk. He gets the milk of your passion. Passions unlocked, yet unrealized.... until that moment in your future.

I suspect that a bit of Mid Life Crisis has lit your fire. It is what it is. You are only "here" one time. Hear, hear.

Get divorced. Talk to a doctor. Find out your general health conditions, ability to birth at your age. 

I hope you find a good match. In another post ask the ladies about finding a man on the internet dating sites. Ask for the "How To" manual.

I wish you and your husband the best.


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