# Is sex all that matters?



## twinsmom (Apr 29, 2009)

I love my husband very much but I feel we really don't understand each other at all. He wants me to have sex with other women, watch porn, have sex 2 or more times a day, and other things that make me uncomfortable, and if I show any sign of not wanting to he completely withdraws. On normal days he shows very little interest in me at all. He would rather stare out a window than interact with me. I feel so lonely. He will show some interest if it has something to do with sex, but if not he could care less. He has even told me that he does not want to connect with me emotionally if I'm not doing what he wants sexually. I always end up feeling like something is wrong with me like I'm not good enough. 
Very confused help!


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## Lavender (May 14, 2008)

Its clear you love him very much sense.. your still with him. You shouldnt be exspected to do things your uncomfortable with especially things that involve bringing others into your marriage sexually .. thats not exceptable compromise for him to exspect.. & it sends you the wrong messages about yourself...

I dont know your maritial Beliefs & views but one would Hope there emotionally connected before marriage.. I dont understand personally How a Husband could exspect such things in marriage ?? Guess Im Old fashion with My Marriage Exspectations .. Good Luck figuring him out


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

well he can't force you to do something you do not wish to do.

how old are you both and how long married? How many kids? How old are they?


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

Wow, I would be crushed if my husband said he did not want to connect with me emotionally. Personally, I think I rather connect emotionally than sexually. It sounds like he is way too sexual.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

I agree, probably taking in way too much porn. He has a lot of growing up to do.


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

Martino is right, he is in the "porn=real sex" mentality right now which is NOT healthy.

He needs to get off the porn.


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## twinsmom (Apr 29, 2009)

He is into porn, which I disagreed with before we were even married, and it really makes me feel uncomfortable. I feel like nothing I do is good enough. We have sex like 4 times a week, but he tells me "quality is better than quantity, but I want quantity also." He says he is so frustrated because he just can't believe I don't want to do these things for him. He says "don't I deserve it?" I try to do special things for him, but he always finds something wrong. He will even get frustrated with if I am sick and not able to have sex. It makes me so uncomfortable about sex I just freeze. I have anxiety problems any way, which he knows, and I get so anxious about sex I have actually had an anxiety attack.


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

He's about to push you to the point where you go off sex all together from resentment. 

He needs to read Mark Twain's (not the real MT, the one that posts here on this forum) article on why women go off sex and see that he is pushing you to resenting him completely.

Edit: I am one to say that sex is VERY important in a marriage and should happen frequently (many times a week), but things like forcing a threesome, or other things you are uncomfortable with like watching porn, is NOT healthy.

However, him wanting to have sex with you twice a day IS healthy, assuming its not "porn" sex if you know what I mean.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

I'm of the mind that porn doesnt have to be a problem but like all things "Moderation" and "Use Responsibly". That doesnt seem to be the case here. He has an issue that he needs to deal with. The problem is that he will probably deny and resist any change. Intimacy and spiritual connection is the foundation of a relationship. Sex is a part of that and can be a wonderful form of communication between two people. After you have that then you can add the silly, crazy, adventurous sex on top. Having a loving healthy relationship to experience all that is the key and the part that he doesn't get. They don't show you that in the porn movies. You have to be a mature adult and understand that on your own.


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## Chopblock (Mar 21, 2008)

---he does not want to connect with me emotionally if I'm not doing what he wants sexually---

In his mind, he is making perfect sense. He has a need that he feels you are not meeting, therefore he is feeling justified in denying you your needs.

---Personally, I think I rather connect emotionally than sexually. It sounds like he is way too sexual. ---

That is TOTALLY unfair, and I hope the OP does not share that attitude. Just because you would prioritize emotion over sex does not mean that he would.

The undervaluing of sex is a very common issue, and regardless of how unreasonable it seems to someone else, it is something that the couple is going to have to work out for themselves.

One of the biggest problems (i think) is the self-fulfilling prophecy you both have. You are thinking that you are trying to please him by giving so much when you clearly don't want to. I think he can sense your hate for sex, and that is why he feels like its never enough.

Sadly, I'm not sure he can be satisfied. He wants what he wants, the way he wants it, when he wants it, without having to SAY he wants it. That is a behavior that leads to ruin, and both men AND women are guilty of.

I hope you can work out a compromise. I hope you don't have to resort to cutting him off completely.


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## fly_guy (Mar 26, 2009)

The porn needs to go, now! (See my parental authority there?:smthumbup

Seriously. It's such a trap for us men. I know people have many different view points, none the less I'd say the majority of men who are heavily involved with porn leak it over to their sex lives. I mean, how can they not? Porn is made to make women out to be these on fire, ready to go, 24/7 semen recepticals (as my father calls it.) He expects you to be that? 

I absolutely agree with Chopblock. He is not "way too sexual." He has a porn addiction. Men (most) are sexual. That's the way we are wired. Women tend to be on the more emotional side. Both men and women have needs that need met.

All in all, nipping the porn problem in the butt is the issue. Ask him how he'd feel if he found out his son in law wanted his daughter to do the same things he just asked you. (Even if you don't have one most guys can relate to the protective thing.)

Quite honestly, if my future son in law asked that of my wife and she told me... I'd be in jail =)


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

I ran into men who were consumed with sex when I was younger. Because of that I did not marry. I was single 30 years between marriages due to the fact I did not meet anyone I considered marriage worthy.
Then I thought I did and guess what.... the ones who aren't all about themselves in getting sex... are all about themselves in other ways !!!!
so I was fooled into marriage.

I met someone who did not put the focus on sex but it is still far from ideal.
I am totally floored at what my marriage has become and I am now someone who does not care to seek out a relationship again. 
My only question is what is going to be the price of my mistake...
I'm so mad I was fooled !!!
grrrrrrr


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

It's truly the un evolved male who watches porn and is dissapointed that his spouse won't do what they do in 
the movies.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

what would be the female equilivant of porn?

shopping?


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

preso said:


> what would be the female equilivant of porn?
> 
> shopping?


Romance novels.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

revitalizedhusband said:


> Romance novels.


I tend to disagree...
I've never met not one single woman into romance novels, but hundreds into shopping


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## TheLuckiest08 (Jun 2, 2008)

preso said:


> what would be the female equilivant of porn?
> 
> shopping?


For me, the female equivalent to porn is.....porn! Don't forget, some women enjoy it just as much!


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## JustAnotherGuy1 (Sep 4, 2010)

revitalizedhusband said:


> Romance novels.


Bingo. And romantic comedies, diamond ring commercials, the whole 'romance fantasy' industry. If you look at the porn and 'romance' industries, or rather the fantasies they sell, with an analytical, cold eye, you can even find a whole bunch of almost perfectly mirror-image patterns in them.


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## JustAnotherGuy1 (Sep 4, 2010)

TheLuckiest08 said:


> For me, the female equivalent to porn is.....porn! Don't forget, some women enjoy it just as much!


And some men enjoy romance novels, too. And men are by no means immune to the error of mistaking romantic fantasies inculcated by Hollywood for reality, either.

But either porn or 'romance fantasy products' for lack of a better term can be very destructive if people start expecting reality to work like either.


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## candice912 (Sep 4, 2010)

Did you guys forget that Twinsmom asked for help? 

To you guys; porn equals porn. Porn is to objectify a person. You cannot equate something morally sound like shopping or a harmless romance novel with porn. Some women watch porn too and many men are very uncomfortable with their gf or wife getting off on watching other naked men. Its never okay if someone gets hurt. Its only okay if both parties agree.

Twinsmom,
This guy has a serious problem. Honestly, I would get out fast. If you have children; I would really worry for their safety there. This guy is abusing you. I know you are scared and confused. You think you married him, so you try and work it out, but I am telling you he is emotionally abusing you and it's not your fault. You are starting to freeze and have panic attacks? Please do yourself a favor and at least go see a counselor for yourself to help you get your self back. I am married and I promise you my husband would never disrespect me like this. If your husband respected you; he would never ask you to do something that hurts you physically or emotionally.


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## JustAnotherGuy1 (Sep 4, 2010)

candice912 said:


> Did you guys forget that Twinsmom asked for help?


No, I didn't.



> To you guys; porn equals porn. Porn is to objectify a person. You cannot equate something morally sound like shopping or a harmless romance novel with porn.


Shopping, no. Romance novels and the romance industry, yes. They're precisely equivalent in terms of the_ reason they exist_, and all fantasy involving another person objectifies, that's its nature. Both industries exist to feed appetites that have biological roots, but that real life simply can't and does not ever completely fulfill, and make money by doing so.

Nor is the romance industry necessarily harmless. The fantasies they serve up are every bit as unrealistic and irrelevant to real life and real relationships as anything the porn industry cooks up, and they too are sometimes mistaken for reality.

As for Twinsmom, unfortunately there probably isn't anything she can do, except put up with it or break up. If things are as she described, she's got a major problem on her hands and there's not much in the way of solutions. Like you, I'd be worried if he really is this confused about what is real and what is fantasy, esp. if he's talking about 'deserving' things.


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## Mandia99508 (Jul 15, 2010)

Hmmm, it sounds to me that he has a very overactive imagination, but he's also easily distressed by your "rejection" of this imagination. That is why he retreats I would assume. This is not your fault. He is simply sensitive, and some people don't handle rejection well, especially when it comes to sex. How to handle that... ask a specialist. Others may think he watches too much porn, but I know a couple who over-indulge in porn and have an extremely healthy sex life. But he is preoccupied with fantasy, and needs to be brought down to earth somehow.


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## Mandia99508 (Jul 15, 2010)

candice912 said:


> This guy has a serious problem. Honestly, I would get out fast. If you have children; I would really worry for their safety there. This guy is abusing you. I know you are scared and confused. You think you married him, so you try and work it out, but I am telling you he is emotionally abusing you and it's not your fault. You are starting to freeze and have panic attacks? Please do yourself a favor and at least go see a counselor for yourself to help you get your self back. I am married and I promise you my husband would never disrespect me like this. If your husband respected you; he would never ask you to do something that hurts you physically or emotionally.


I agree with Candice 100% as well. I am fearing that if he isn't getting satisfied by you (which apparently he is not... again not your fault) that he will seek these fantasies elsewhere. Which will only hurt you, and not him. 
He's simply is engaging in wishful thinking and it is of an unhealthy form. He wants to objectify you, which for a husband to do to his wife should be illegal. I hope you recognize the reality of this situation, and seek help if it continues. A woman should not be forced or coerced in to any sexual situation in which she isn't comfortable, and she certainly should not be rejected because of it. We can't all get what we want all the time. It's time to put an end to the childish behavior, and if he doesn't like that, he can leave. A woman's body is not a sexual toy, it's a beautiful tool that gives life as well as great pleasure, and she be respected as so.


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## kcguy (Nov 15, 2010)

Ok, your feelings are very valid and understandable, and pretty self centered on his part, and a lot of them, are pobably coming from the porn diet. Here is an Idea. It's something I did with my wife and it was actually, really fun. How do you feel about pleasing your self? Have him tape you, or you tape your self, in different situations, or just have fun. Let him make you his porn star. There are many issues with porn, from the reality side, to the hurts you feel, fearing you can't live up the airbrushed anorexic and somewhat sick stuff that be seen on the Internet. What would you be comforatable with, with him. of course, if you don't trust him, with that content and now adays, DO NOT store it on your computer, by an externa drive and store it there. Then it's you he's lusting for. It's what you want isn't it? Take a long hot bubble bath, while he hides a video camera in the bathroom, play music and get lost in the moment, call out HIS name, oh sister. trust me, my wife and my sex life improved greatly. I started seeing how sexy, beautiful, oh geez.. I could go on. We had to be careful, and moderate, because yes, it can get carried away, and he would have to be honest about it. Yet, if you can live with that, and be safe, LOL. I bet, you can expect some hot stuff. and I really, hot passionate stuff.. because YOU fed it hun. All you. Just a suggestion. I had to be careful, because I got caught up in it. My wife likes to MB when I'm not around too, in her private time and i had to work on that one. It's still not easy and I have to trust it's me she's thinking about. but when things are good between us and I use this, it's fun.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Sex matters a lot when you're not getting any - I can tell you that personally.

On the other hand, you shouldn't be forced into sexual behavior that you are not interested in or that makes you uncomfortable.

Was he like this before or is this something new? Has he been watching a lot of porn - could this be giving him ideas? Has he said he unsatisfied with your current sex life?

Some men do equate how they feel emotionally in connection with their sex lives with their wives - now while he shouldn't be emotionally blackmailing you (this is what it sounds like to me). Maybe his statement on this is referring to some other area of your marriage and he feels is lacking and this is how he is expressing it (men are funny creatures you know!).

Have you both really sat down and talked about it? Maybe sex is just the symptom, but not the actual problem.


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## Trooper (Oct 21, 2010)

You do NOT need to indulge his obsession with sex and porn; you need to leave. Doing what kcguy suggests with a person like your husband will only make things worse. Get out now - you deserve better. I know it will be difficult, but you can be happier. All men are not like your husband and it is possible to have true intimacy with someone. Please work on focusing on your needs for once and get away from this destructive relationship.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

You do not need to become what he wants in order to have a relationship with him. You need to decide whether or not YOU want to be with someone that demands such things and whether or not the two of you can meet somewhere in-between. If you bend to his needs (literally) it's a matter of time before you snap.

I do not read romance novels. My equivalent to a man's porn is connection as in my incessant chatting on the phone, forums, at social gatherings, etc.

It's what I enjoy most besides holidays with the kids, vacations and actual sex with my husband but just like I wouldn't want to be on vacation every day or have sex ten times a day...all things require moderation.

If you are both sexually incompatible for whatever reason you need to decide how much this differentiation means to you. For me...well, I would run. Sexual compatibility with my husband is a strong weave in the pattern of our lives that connects and strengthens us. You deserve this as well.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

revitalizedhusband said:


> Romance novels.


Blech. I would rather shoot myself than shop OR read romance novels. I must be a guy.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

vthomeschoolmom said:


> Blech. I would rather shoot myself than shop OR read romance novels. I must be a guy.


I don't read romance novels either but have been hooked on True Love, True Confessions, Modern Romance and those types of magazines since I was a teenager. :smthumbup:


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

This post was made 04/2009. Suffice it to say, she is not around and therefore not reading the posts.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

Sensitive said:


> Wow, I would be crushed if my husband said he did not want to connect with me emotionally. Personally, I think I rather connect emotionally than sexually. It sounds like he is way too sexual.


The OP's husband sounds selfish and manipulative.
However, wives need to accept that sex is like breathing for most men and some women (like yours truly).

Porn can be used to spice up lovemaking, as well as a masturbation aid. I am a highly sexual woman and I LOVE porn.

My husband is always telling me how lucky he feels, that his wife relishes sex, instead of seeing it as a chore. Since we have jointly decided not to have children, I am looking forward to many years of hot sex.


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## Anne III (Nov 22, 2010)

It seems like women feel more sexual if there is an emotional connection established in the relationship and men either don't connect the two or just can't open up until they 'release the pressure' first. We are very different creatures in many ways but if your husband doesn't care how you feel about what he's asking of you he's not caring about you. "Don't I deserve it" is a pretty immature approach, it's not a bartering process. 

I disagree with the replies that say 'just leave' I assume from your name you have twins so depending how long this has been going on and what options you've tried (counselling, other approaches you ARE comfortable with to mix things up) it's a lot easier to say 'just leave' than to actually give up on your whole relationship.


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