# New wife doesn't want me at my son's b-day party at ex's



## Kavidis (Apr 30, 2014)

Hey all,

So, the TLDR version of this is that my current wife does not want me to go to my ex wife's birthday part for my son. Both current wife and ex wife have not gotten along.

Some background. I was divorced last year and recently remarried (yeah, I know...fast!). My current wife and ex wife have had trouble getting along and have both, on past occasions, sent aggressive messages to each other. Ex wife has a history of controlling behavior and current wife thinks that the birthday party is being used as a method to "control" my presence there. Not sure if that makes much sense, but there you have it.

I want to go to the birthday party and my son certainly wants me there. I'm worried that I'd seriously hurt his feelings if I didn't go. My current wife does not feel welcome in that home and doesn't want me to go to the party because of that. She wants us to show my ex wife that we cannot be manipulated and pushed around. Current wife, instead, wants to start our own birthday traditions in our current home instead of going to ex wife's party, but I don't see a problem going to both parties. I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place here.

So, bottom line, do I go to the party and risk the ire of my current wife or not go and risk my son being disappointed in me? I feel like my current wife is not being fair in this situation, but I could be wrong.

TIA!


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

No, you don't get to play happy family with the ex. Have a celebration at your home for your son and play up the two-party angle. Invite different guests.


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## SadOne1974 (Nov 10, 2020)

You and your new wife need to start your own birthday traditions. Have your own party for your son. Although your kids needs will come first . I don’t feel a birthday party is a need. Have your own party and put your wife’s wants first. If you don’t it won’t end well. Honor your new wife and give her a place in your family. Start your own traditions away from your ex.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Kavidis said:


> I feel like my current wife is not being fair in this situation, *but I could be wrong*.


Yes you are.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Have you own birthday party for him at your house and invite your own family along. He will be thrilled to have two celebrations and I am sure your wife and family would love to share the birthday with him. Sorry but if your wife isnt invited then dont go. Make your new life with your wife and child separately. You will not be disappointing your son if you have your own separate celebration. 
Are you even allowed to have parties with covid? We cant mix with anyone of another household indoors right now.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

There may come a time when you new W and the X get along. Birthdays can be celebrated together. This is not the time. It sucks and I'm sorry but you need to start your own life with your new W and this means celebrating birthdays and holidays as a family. XW not a part.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

If XW has a history of controlling, then she probably is controlling...What have you said to XW to defend current W when they haven't gotten along? Also why would they ever have to be in communication with each other? I wouldn't let a current husband communicate with an ex unless it was civil. You need to do your job, grow a pair and stand your ground with XW, not your new wife.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

This is a sad situation. 
I think that you would regret not going to the bday party later. That’s your son, he wants you there, you should put the petty stuff aside and be a good example for your son. That doesn’t mean you stay long, or mingle with your ex for hours. Be a classy man, be polite, and do the right thing. 

You can’t control other people’s behavior or motives but you can control your actions/motives and you will never regret taking the high road and doing the right thing.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Given the conflict between the two women, it's better for your son if you don't go. Tell him you wish you could, but you'll be busy getting stuff for the amazing party you've organised for him at your place the following week.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Kavidis said:


> Hey all,
> 
> So, the TLDR version of this is that my current wife does not want me to go to my ex wife's birthday part for my son. Both current wife and ex wife have not gotten along.
> 
> ...


Your wife needs to go to the party with you. Your ex doesn't get to only invite you. If your ex was trying to keep the peace, she would have invited her. Ex-Wives very often flex their muscles and try to make the ex choose between them. Instead of going to your son's party I suppose you would have the option of planning something for him separately, such as spending the night with you and doing something.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

How old is your son? My answer depends on that.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Also, is this a party with all of your son's friends there?


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## Leeame (Apr 13, 2021)

Kavidis said:


> Hey all,
> 
> So, the TLDR version of this is that my current wife does not want me to go to my ex wife's birthday part for my son. Both current wife and ex wife have not gotten along.
> 
> ...


You absolutely should start your own tradition in your home with your new wife. Your wife is right. You should not feel welcomed anywhere your wife is not welcomed. 
If there's issues between your wife and ex then they're your issues too. You admitted she was controlling so that should tell you that she is the source of conflict. 
My advice going forward: you have a relationship with your son and a new commitment to your wife. There's no reason to communicate with your ex about anything other than your son and if it's not a schedule change, school related or an illness/emergency there's no need for regular contact. I would keep all communication on text or email. That way you have a lot of interaction which you may find useful for future court dates. 
This is not an easy road but you chose it and your son is going to get two birthdays, two Christmas's and not many kids protest extra presents. 
Include your son by having him help come up with a new tradition for holidays or let him have some control with the party plans for him at your house. Your attitude and how you present this will set the stage for his viewing it as a loss or a gain. Instead of "I'm sorry I am not able to come to your birthday" try "guess what??!! You get to have an extra birthday party now! Yay!! 
You got this. Show your wife you are a team and a package deal. Your ex won't be happy but guess what? Divorce=not your problem anymore.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

I agree with the other posters too. Divorce means separate events for holidays and other milestones. This would be different with the ex and current wife got along, but that isn’t the case. You need to show your new wife that you have made a new family with her.

This is how it worked in my divorced household. Two birthdays, two christmases, etc. I enjoyed having two birthdays with both sides of the family and one “friend” party. Trust me - it ends up being a win for the kids so long as they are shielded from the adult drama.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Kavidis said:


> Hey all,
> 
> So, the TLDR version of this is that my current wife does not want me to go to my ex wife's birthday part for my son. Both current wife and ex wife have not gotten along.
> 
> ...


@Kavidis, someone posted on your thread which reactivated it. How did the party go? How are things between your wife and ex wife?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

You sound like a man that lets women tell him what to do. This is all actually on you because you didn’t plan something at your own home.
Besides that you should tell your current wife to STFU and you can see your son any time you please. ..... you will be visiting the party BRIEFLY to give your son his present and then you will depart immediately. If you wanted a better visit then plan better.

At this point you will come home and throw your wife on the bed ..... end of story.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Another zombie thread identified by Zombie Cat.


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