# New Situation. New information.



## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

We had our really good friends Jimmy at our house this weekend and well it was brought up by him and our other friend that maybe I should go see someone to help me with my issues and they think that the thing with my Husband just brought something out. That I put away. But we were talking about that night of with my husband and ex friend well me and my friend Jimmy went to the garage where they were then they came in so we stayed out there talking and I was crying. And Jimmy said that was two hours. That mean that My husband and her were in that room for two hours???????? I dont know what to do its bringing back all my anxious feelings again. He said NOTHING happend in well I have to believe cause if it did happen in that room he wouldnt have to convince her in the garage after we came up to the room right????? GEEZ I really wish I had someone to talk with me right now that makes me feel like I am not insain..


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

I think that I am going to contact the friend the ex friend and be like ok so this is what Jimmy is saying? So I dont know if its being stirred again or what? but what do you think?


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

Sunflower, 
its hard to decifer your writing and exactly whats going on. Did you allow those same friends over that you had strip poker with and your husband cheated on you with?

Why did you do that?

Your not moving on at all. 

From what I'm seeing here, you are traumatized by something that happened in your life before you ever got married, probably when you were young. Did someone abuse you or molest you? I know that sounds personal, so you dont have to answer here, but you need to be aware that this is where your behavior is coming from. You have no boundries Sunflower....

You are yearning for this drama. You need it because your stuck in the trauma that you experienced in you adolescence. You are afraid of it coming out so you are using the current drama in your life to try to cope with what you have been avoiding your whole life. This is why you refuse counselling, and this is why you are putting your family in these situations. Most child victims refuse counselling because they are afraid of their demons to come out, and instead relive their childhood trauma by setting themselves up.

Your life is spiralling out of control. This is not healthy at all. You need to see a counsellor.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

No it wasnt those people that we played with just Jimmy our friend thats friends with all of us. He had said that night that me and him talked in the garage for like 2 hours. So it got me thinking OMG if we talked in the garage two hours that means they were all alone for two hours in my room. And I wasnt molested as a child my father wasnt home EVER he works for the military but I dont think that ever botherd me? I dont know I guess I went throught that not so cute thing in high school and rejection seeing my friends get the guys all the time and now its I get the attention and I think just him doing that and me feeling rejected OUCH. I felt unloved. It was so hard to feel that SO HARD.


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

Ok. I'm still having a hard time figuring out the details that your bringing up, but please do not stir this up by talking to your ex friend about it again.

And about your dad. This absolutely has to do with you family situation while you were growing up. Take all this to a therapist please, and be very honest about your behavior. Bring your husband along too for couples therapy. 

Haven't you had enough of living like this? It needs to stop, it will hurt your marriage and your kids in the end, not to mention you!


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Sorry lol. When I get all hurt and sad I dont make any sense OBVIOSULY! but ya I know what you are saying I am just trying to say that I am so worried something happend in that room I mean really TALKING for two hours REALLY. And I dont want to be made a fool of and stay with the scum if he slept with her you know. NO WAY.


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

Ok...stop freaking out and _really think _about this for a minute.

*Do you truly believe your husband would have sex with this woman while you are in the next room?*

STOP...Read that question again!

Put all your emotions aside. Put away all the crazy thoughts and feelings from the last few months. Stop and listen to what your head is telling you. Do you really believe your husband would have sex with another woman when you are in the very next room and could walk in at any time? Take the time to completely consider this question and what your answer is. 


OK, going BACK again to that night....you spent two hours talking to Jimmy in the garage...did you have sex? Two hours...in the garage...two people...? You say, _"I mean really TALKING for two hours REALLY"._ It must be possible to just be talking for two hours if you and Jimmy did it. Granted, your husband kissing the friend was wrong, but that has already been established. Don't you think your husband would have told you by now? In all the sh*t you have put him through with this, during all the fights you have had because of this, don't you think he would have gotten pissed off enough to say _f*ck it, I did her, you're right...._just to get you to stop and get off his back? I think he would have.

I wonder why you are talking to your friend Jimmy about this now. What did it accomplish? Wasn't there a lot of drinking that night? How can anyone, a year and a half later, be accurate in what the time frame was? I find this suspect. If Jimmy was in the garage talking with you, he cannot know what your husband and the woman were doing. He cannot know they were in one room that whole time. 

If you haven't called for counseling yet, you are never going to get the help you need to move past this. You cannot do it on your own. You've tried, and it's not working. Let someone help you with the anxiety this is causing. 

And no matter what happens....yesterday, today, tomorrow, next week....*UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES ARE TO YOU CONTACT THE EX-FRIEND!* Don't let her know you are still explosive over this. Don't do it!


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ya I talked to him her husband cause we had someone tell them that we werent going to play softball cause he was. So I called him and said no come really can we not be enemys. Seriously. So we talked I told him about Jimmy and he said ya its hard when you get hear say from other people and I said well I know that they are sorry I know it was dumb drunken manoover. I understand that but what hurts me so bad is that I had a man in my life that I actually love and Lindsay was a friend I never had. And they both kept it from me. It hurt. thats that. But I am not ashamed to tell them how I am where I stand how I feel they know me well enouph to know how I feel. But he said just take the worst situation and put them in it. And move on. But I know that if they had sex he wouldnt be able to live with himself NO WAY. He was bitter and losing sleep over a kiss so I can only imagine if they had sex and I really think that we all would have known by now. For sure. he or she would have cracked. And he wouldnt have to convince her to kiss him in the garage if they did that. Thats for damn sure. 


I dont know I made a app. to see a Psychiatrist. So we will see what happends with that. My life is slowly spiraling outa control I am turning into Nothing better then what they did to me. I can forgive but I dont forget. I can be the same place they are BUT I dont have to hang out. This is done all the time right. Maybe I do need to tie something off with her maybe thats where i hold it all in?????? But I need my life back I AM SO DAMN OBSESSED, Its freakin me out. Its almost like I want to hear something bad???? I just really hope and pray that my Husband is a good man and he loves me REALLY.


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

He's a good man. He has stood by you through all of this and taken a lot of crap you've thrown at him. He's still there. He still loves you and still wants to be with you. I'm so glad to hear you've made an appointment. You need some help getting passed this and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ya I know! I am glad I have to! I talked to The ex friend and her husband yesterday and suprisisngly I feel GREAT I think that I felt the way I did because I had so many things unresloved with that. But I became the better bigger person and put it to the side and apoligized for my actions of being a bitter Bit#@ and well I feel a big relief. I am the type of person who hates to hate and hates to be hated. So it was good for me! I text her that she WAS a good friend I love her and blah blah but ya I feel great you guys I do I really do. its nice to know that I can be big about it all.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

You know whats pathetic about him the husband of my ex friend that I spoke with was like you just need to think of the worst thing that could happen in that room and take it for that? I was like hmm..... Is that what makes you feel better about the affair you had. Well I didnt say that to him but its gotta be.


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

Ok.
Well, I'm a little worried about the fact that your going to a psychiatrist instead of a psychologist. Those are two different approaches. Are you sure its a psychiatrist?

They'll just give you pills, blame all your problems on brain chemistry and tell you to grow up and deal with it.

Psychologists look into why you behave this way by exploring into your past....I really think thats what you need. There's so much buried beneath these emotions and feelings you are having. Its like your desperate to release it and your using this situation as a way to do it, but if you dont ever find the true cause you will never be free of it, you'll just be losing more control to this force you can't see.

Anyways, becareful with these antidepressants and such...especially MAOI's and all that...I shouldnt worry about you sunny but I do...I think you are avoiding bigger issues here. The right path is to have you and your husband in the same room with a therapist.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

I know I think that I feel guilty about something but I dont know what the hell I feel guilty about????? I know he loves me it could have been worst then touch and kiss for sure. and I think that it was all done with his ego and he needed that pat on the back I dont think that he was looking for sex. or he would have found it one way or another. SO tell me WHY would someone be this crazy over this unless like you said its something else I am dealing with. and your right I need to see a psychologist.


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

Which type of professional is your appointment with? I agree with Tim, I don't think a phychiatrist is the best idea. A psychologist, family counselor, someone who is more inclined to talk you through this than prescribe you through this. When is your appointment scheduled? I'm pressing you a little bit here 'cuz I'd really like to know you're going to get some help.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

How about a Cognitive Behavior therapist? they will help you set up a program of keeping your behavior in line by first keeping your thoughts in line. Thinking is behavior.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ya I have a app. on May 15th with a Psychiatrist. But I will cancel that cause I dont want them to just try and say here are drugs deal with it. I want to talk even though I dont know what to say lol but maybe thats what they do is just figure that out for me! and what is a cognitive behavior therapist? isnt that the same as a psycologist?


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Google search cognitive behavior therapy. They don't just listen to your problems, they analyze them and have you take inventory on paper of your thoughts and behaviors and find possible solutions. Find a psychologist that is trained in that field. Good luck.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

THANKS! I need it! 
Kinda scared to see what doors they open to be honest! but I know its more then this I think that this triggerd it.!!


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

That fear has been referred to as "toxic shame" before. i'm sure there are other terms but thats what I know it as. This shows that you are ashamed of yourself and you fear people will not accept you or love you for who you are....Toxic shame is ingrained in us early on in childhood. Children are somewhat logical in the sense that they can equate things together, but the conclusions that children come to and equate with their behaviors are not logical. Try to be aware of things you are ashamed of, and question them. Be aware of other emotions too and what triggers them. Write them down as a list (try not to write a novel). Lists are good because its enough for your to expand on any part while talking to someone about it. Bring them to your psychologist, and talk about a few bullets. You'll only get 1hr but its ok because there are more sessions.

Also, I found it better if you do all the paperwork before hand and have a check ready for the session before it starts. It really sucks to have the session end almost abruptly because your time is up, and then have to pull out your check book.


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

Oh and another thing...try to be honest with them and be open. They wont judge you. Remember that they are not magical, and they don't know what your thinking. So if you decide to hide everything and not open up....it'll go no where. 

Another thing, dont be put off by your first shrink. Sometimes you get a lemon that doesnt really know what they are doing. When choosing a psychologist, dont be afraid to ask about their background and the number of years they have been in practice. If they just graduated and are your age...I would just move on.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

good advice thanks! how are you doing btw? Havent herd from you in awhile is everything getting better?


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