# D as a wake up call



## Blacksmith01 (Aug 12, 2013)

Ok wife got caught in a EA. PA maybe back in May. Moves out june. Takes up with AP for 2.5 weeks. We went to MC 2 times during this. Comes over to the house and just wants me to be nice and for me not to bring up the affair. The next tuesday was our 3rd and last MC session. Turns out that she filed that day. I find out 2 days later. She tried to bs me that it was just for visitation rights. A few days later she admits that she did in fact put in for D. I start getting ready and getting my ducks in a row. Three weeks go by and she has nothing to get ready for it.BTW she has been by the house almost everyday since she left on 4 june. 

I got served again as she put in for custody in another court. It was at this time that she realized that I did in fact have a lawyer. She had tried to make it so that I couldn't afford one. She comes home all panicked looking for all the household paper work that by that time wasn't there anymore. This whole time she has been acting like a cake eater. We went for the first custody hearing the 2 weeks ago and she lost big time. We go back on the 6th to finalize it. Right before the last hearing she tried to make me look bad by getting an EPO. That back fired on her. So she has taken to playing dirty trying to get me to slip up so that she can get leverage. She is getting desperate.

Ok so there are a few things that I don't understand that she has said.

When asked why she wants the D she said that it is just how she feels right now.

Then it became that it was just a wake up call. Asking a wake up call to what got me "To be nice." 

The other night she said that it has moved beyond that now. The only thing that has changed is that the judge handed her her but in court and I became indifferent to her when talking with her.
Other things that are driving me nuts are the fact that she gets jealous. AKA doesn't want anyone else to have me. 
She has not wanted me to get rid of anything at all. 
She has not taken anything from the house at all to help set up her new place that she rented just before the first hearing. not even clothes or jewelry. There are other things that are just not right but these are the big things that are bugging me.


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## Blacksmith01 (Aug 12, 2013)

Ok so I take it no one else has any clue as to what is going on in her head ether. lol


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

She is a classic cake eater.

She wants this and that and then wants this when it fits her needs.

Its all about how selfish she is.

I mean one day she wants the stablity and security of a marriage and family then the next day she wants the freedom of the single life.

Now she is pissed off cuz you won't play along any more, now she is pissed cuz she can't have both, so with this anger comes spite.

She is spiteful cuz she can't have her way, and in the end she takes it out on you, cuz the OM doesn't have to put up with her crap cuz he will dump her in a heart beat.

Thats my $0.02


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Blacksmith01 said:


> Ok so I take it no one else has any clue as to what is going on in her head ether. lol


I do.
unicorns and rainbows

and you keep getting in they way so she is pissed off.

Dude your old lady keeps look to other for her own happiness and when they don't provide it she gets spiteful.

She will always be like this cuz she is to stupid to see that she is responsible for her own happiness....and you just can't fix stupid.


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## Blacksmith01 (Aug 12, 2013)

Thanks I just needed to have what I was thinking validated. Not much to do today. So I spent the morn thinking about things that should be left alone at this point.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Blacksmith01 said:


> Ok so I take it no one else has any clue as to what is going on in her head ether. lol


You didn't really give us much time.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I've read your other thread from the beginning. You can't figure out what's in the mind of a cheater or why they do the things they do. My ex-husband had a PA 30 years ago and an EA a few years ago with the same AP. 

Do I understand it? No. When I got married 45 years ago did I think I would find myself ever needing to live the life I now have? Certainly not. But that's how it played out. I have a new life and I'm happy with it. I don't look back. 

So don't try to understand her. You never will. Just move on one step at a time. Headed for your new life.


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## Blacksmith01 (Aug 12, 2013)

Well she had plans to R during the year wait for the D to be finalized. IE after she made me pay for outing her affair to everyone and making her look bad. I had told her that there are two things that I view as final death and divorce. She said that I was the only one putting limitations on it. She if she won in court then it would discredit me and everything that I have said. Then she could look like the good person and take me back. Got to feed that narcissistic ego.


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## MyPainandHurt (Aug 30, 2013)

Blacksmith.. I am new here, but that was funny!!!:smthumbup:

My husband has one of those narcissistic personalities and well. And he even admits he is arrogant!!! and that he can't help it. Geesh!!

Hang in there.


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## Blacksmith01 (Aug 12, 2013)

So Friday came and went. We got joint custody of the kids with me doing all the work and her having all the fun with them. BTW She doesn't understand that we have fun everyday just hanging out. 
Ok so this whole time since the affair became known she has wanted two things. Space to cool down(let affair finish) and the kids with me doing all the work. Well now she has them both. 

All summer she has pushed me away harder and harder. She has always said something hurtful and then something to take it back. We both said a lot of things over the summer to make it worse. A lot of her actions I think were based on fear. Fear that I helped make. So now that custody is worked out. She is a lot calmer. Still nuts but calmer. So hear is the part that makes me wonder what she is thinking/doing? First thing Monday she has her lawyer gut the divorce. It is still an open case in court but with no complaints or demands. It is in limbo.No motions filed or requests for anything at all. Is this what she meant by it's not a threat or a promise? It was just something to force us apart so no more damage could be done and to secure her rights to the kids while she works on whats broken in her? I know that what she has done is only with herself in mind. Still being selfish as always.

She has asked for nothing but her fall clothes from the house. When she calls the kids all she asks about is their school day and then it's right on to questions about family life. Like she is trying to get a fix. I know she misses the family life we had. I had my son ask tonight if the gym membership was still a family one. She said yes. So to sum up We are doing two households, no joint accounts no real contact with a divorce that is going no where?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Blacksmith01 said:


> So Friday came and went. We got joint custody of the kids with me doing all the work and her having all the fun with them. BTW She doesn't understand that we have fun everyday just hanging out.
> Ok so this whole time since the affair became known she has wanted two things. Space to cool down(let affair finish) and the kids with me doing all the work. Well now she has them both.
> 
> All summer she has pushed me away harder and harder. She has always said something hurtful and then something to take it back. We both said a lot of things over the summer to make it worse. A lot of her actions I think were based on fear. Fear that I helped make. So now that custody is worked out. She is a lot calmer. Still nuts but calmer. So hear is the part that makes me wonder what she is thinking/doing? First thing Monday she has her lawyer gut the divorce. It is still an open case in court but with no complaints or demands. It is in limbo.No motions filed or requests for anything at all. Is this what she meant by it's not a threat or a promise? It was just something to force us apart so no more damage could be done and to secure her rights to the kids while she works on whats broken in her? I know that what she has done is only with herself in mind. Still being selfish as always.
> ...


Have your lawyer start it back up. ASAP.


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## Blacksmith01 (Aug 12, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Have your lawyer start it back up. ASAP.


My lawyer is putting in for child and spousal support. As well as starting a property settlement agreement. I understand that she only wanted the time and space to sit on the fence. If she decides to go through with it I'll have no warning from her.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

What I'm saying is, forget what she's doing. Take the reigns yourself. You almost sound like you'd take her back. That IMO would be a huge mistake. Leave her hanging in the wind.


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## Blacksmith01 (Aug 12, 2013)

To be honest I would take her back if she got her brain fixed and meet some demands.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Look at her behavior. This wasn't space to think. It was a power play. Play the wrong cards and you'll be on the bottom of the relationship from now on.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

the guy said:


> She is a classic cake eater.
> 
> She wants this and that and then wants this when it fits her needs.
> 
> ...


Sounds right to me:iagree:


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## Blacksmith01 (Aug 12, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Look at her behavior. This wasn't space to think. It was a power play. Play the wrong cards and you'll be on the bottom of the relationship from now on.


I understand that all to well. The thing is that I found my dangliy bits and stood up to her from the get go. She was not expecting that. Yes I had some weak moments but she was forced to push harder and harder. She didn't like that her salve for the last three years was bucking the system over just a little affair. For the first time in three years I started standing up for myself. She had gotten use to me being a nice servant for the last three years of our marriage and lost most if not all of her respect for me. Everything that she has done this summer has been with the attitude of my way or the highway. Thing is that even tho I do still love her I am moving on. She's just hasn't made up her mind if she's coming along for the ride. It's like we are playing chicken.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Blacksmith01 said:


> I understand that all to well. The thing is that I found my dangliy bits and stood up to her from the get go. She was not expecting that. Yes I had some weak moments but she was forced to push harder and harder. She didn't like that her salve for the last three years was bucking the system over just a little affair. For the first time in three years I started standing up for myself. She had gotten use to me being a nice servant for the last three years of our marriage and lost most if not all of her respect for me. Everything that she has done this summer has been with the attitude of my way or the highway. Thing is that even tho I do still love her I am moving on. She's just hasn't made up her mind if she's coming along for the ride. It's like we are playing chicken.


You will force the issue by moving on and living well either by yourself or with someone new. Out with being codependent.


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## Blacksmith01 (Aug 12, 2013)

Yes I did become very codependent. Problem solved for the most part. She just does not want to go back to being equal partners. She liked the power. I understand as I just found my pair and I had forgotten what it was like to wield that much power.


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## Blacksmith01 (Aug 12, 2013)

I am moving forward with the divorce but was just wondering what she was up to? So just a wake-up call/Power play. Fits


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## Blacksmith01 (Aug 12, 2013)

Well tonight was her first time with the kids in a while. BTW she gets dinner with them every Wed from 530-730. Guess who was late picking up and dropping off. Yep She was. Had the kids call her before bed tonight as well. They didn't talk much before she asked to talk to me. I kept it short and to the point. I think now that the stress of court and custody is over she is starting to realize that I'm not pursuing her any more. It makes me happy and at the same time makes me not want to deal with her just to watch her squirm. lol All she asked about was just a bunch of bs stuff. Nothing important.


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