# Finding the balance of leading and control in a home



## jnscloud (Nov 5, 2012)

Hi all,
I am 21 and young likewise my spouse 21 and young, been married for over 1 yr now with no kids. both i and spouse go to school full time and i work full-time. She doesn't work because she's in nursing school. we have had several misunderstanding, but they are unnecessary and unreasonable things. she then to want to be in control and oversee the family. I believe that my responsibly to protect and provide for the family and also be given the upper hand to make final decision. I get very upset when i try to teach her some way on how to manage finances and plan but she think i want to control her. she's not submissive to me.
How do i find a balance to be the head of the house and not make her fill like she's been controlled? how do approach her about how i feel? I love her and i want to make my marriage work.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

This can be tough because it is all about communication. First when talking about money you need to let it be a flexible compromise situation. Money is something that the both of you need to sit down once a month (or whatever works for you two) and go over the budget and the goals that you are working towards. It is not something that only one of you gets to be in charge of specifically because if life events happens then one of you may find your self wondering what needs to be paid, where all the money is and so forth.

When you said, "Be given the upper hand to make final decisions" I, as a christian wife, just about jumped out of my skin. I get that the idea of a submissive wife is a touchy topic and most women struggle to find what it means because of how we as a society view the word submissive.
It is not having "the upper hand" to have the final say saying it like that sounds like a power trip to me. (and the head of the house does not always get the final say because he has to do what is best for his family even if he does not like it). You need to realize that there is more to being the head of the house hold then the final decision maker. If that is the way you talk about it all with your wife then no wonder you are hitting a wall and hearing that she thinks you are trying to control her. That is just what it sounds like. You need to realize that no one wants to feel controlled and there has to be much compromising in a marriage, even a christian one.
I would recommend that you two get with some MC asap. It seems to me that there are expectations that the both of you have and have not talked about at all. Get these things worked out now before there are children involved and things might just go a bit smoother for you both.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

You can't make a woman submit to you. It's a gift.

Also good leaders lead and inspire they seek to do what's best for the entire family not just what's best for them or what they want.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

So true Mavash. It is a gift not an given


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## jnscloud (Nov 5, 2012)

Thank you. I think i just found a problem with me. They issue of control or how i view head of a family. How do i start the fix? I really just want a health and happy marriage.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Do you read? There are TONS of resources/books, etc. out there on how to lead, be a successful husband, etc. 

FWIW being head of the household has little to do with control. The only person you can control is you which involves learning how to set healthy boundaries. You know what you are and aren't okay with. It can be communicated with love and won't come off as controlling if done well with a healthy person.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Go read RDJ's posts here. He writes well/long well thought out posts. He's the real deal. He's been married for a long time (30 years I think) and knows what he's talking about.

He's made all the mistakes and learned the hard way. You could learn a lot from him.


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## jnscloud (Nov 5, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> Go read RDJ's posts here. He writes well/long well thought out posts. He's the real deal. He's been married for a long time (30 years I think) and knows what he's talking about.
> 
> He's made all the mistakes and learned the hard way. You could learn a lot from him.



What's the link ?


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

jnscloud said:


> Thank you. I think i just found a problem with me. They issue of control or how i view head of a family. How do i start the fix? I really just want a health and happy marriage.


I really believe that there is a thin line between head of house hold and controlling. 
Being the head of the house is a big responsibility because of that thin line. Because it has to be done with love, protection, compromise, and so much more. 

First talk with your wife about it. Find out what her view on it is and what it means to her. Then talk with trusted members of your church and do a little MC so that there is a safe place to work out such a heated topic with your wife.

I think that the goal of wanting to make sure you have a healthy marriage is fantastic and that says a lot about you as a husband.

Communication! Just start talking about it now and not force it on your wife. Just talking about it can start a fight so make sure that you are in a loving place when you talk. She has to be willing to let you have final say.

My H says that he is always shocked over the things I do let him have final say on ( I do not get upset with him) because they are always major issues. It is the truth and usually we talk about things in length and in detail and think on things so it is not hard to come to the best choice for us and I feel I have been heard, my thoughts and feelings considered and that I am not just being told how it is going to be. So it works and feels less like control and more like he cares and trust my input too.
That is the key though, your wife needs to feel heard and that you are going to do everything with her input and thoughts and feelings being considered when you make choices. Not just you getting to have it your way.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

jnscloud said:


> What's the link ?


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/53610-male-leadership.html

If you want more posts by him click on his user name and you can get to them that way.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Oh and ignore the negative replies. They know not what they speak of. RDJ is the real deal but people rebel from it because it goes against everything society believes.


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## jnscloud (Nov 5, 2012)

Thanks


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