# What is an emotional affair?



## britney5 (Nov 20, 2011)

What is an emotional affair? And what separates an innocent friendship between two members of the opposite sex and an emotional affair?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

The intimacy which is the sharing of your deepest thoughts and feelings to a man other your husband. Something which should only be reserved for your husband.

Just like in a PA (physical affair) where you get physically naked for another man, in an EA (emotional affair) you get emotionally naked for a man who is not your husband. And just like a man would not hesitate to take advantage of your naked body, in an EA he would also not hesitate in taking advantage of your emotions so that eventually your body would follow.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It's an affair of the heart.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Unhappy2011 (Dec 28, 2011)

morituri said:


> The intimacy which is the sharing of your deepest thoughts and feelings to a man other your husband. Something which should only be reserved for your husband.
> 
> Just like in a PA (physical affair) where you get physically naked for another man, in an EA (emotional affair) you get emotionally naked for a man who is not your husband. And just like a man would not hesitate to take advantage of your naked body, in an EA he would also not hesitate in taking advantage of your emotions so that eventually your body would follow.



I find this response strange.

Sex is more than a woman just getting naked for a man.

The assumption that all men would take advantage of a woman is annoying.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

The test of EA or PA is: anything that you will not do in the presence of your spouse? PA implies sex.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Unhappy2011 said:


> I find this response strange.
> 
> Sex is more than a woman just getting naked for a man.


Of course it is but you are getting bogged down in minor details. My purpose was to paint a picture for her using nudity because unfortunately many women, and men, don´t realize that by *sharing* their thoughts and feelings with a man other than their husband, they are as Jellybeans so succinctly stated, having an affair of the heart¨.



> The assumption that all men would take advantage of a woman is annoying.


With very few exceptions, most men who are in an EA with a married woman are looking to escalate it to the next level, a PA.


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## Vanton68 (Feb 5, 2012)

britney5 said:


> What is an emotional affair?
> 
> *An EA is IMO, just like when you are dating someone before you sleep with them. There is flirting, attraction, wanting to spend time with the person, a growing closeness, and just that special feeling that you get when you share a NEW connection with someone. Or as I like to say an EA is defined as pre-sex*
> 
> ...


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Your chick starts telling OM what a POS you are and how crappy their sex life is.

What she doesnt tell OM is how she wears fart catchers to bed and all the crap she did at the club when you 1st met, have left the relationship. But however she missing being a dirty girl. and the H is left wondering why she is no longer a dirty girl!

Bottom line is when your spouse cheats you out of open communication and is giving this kind of communication to someone else then ......you are being cheated on.

If your spouse cheats you out of a itimate communication of what excites them, then you are being cheated out of a healthy dialog that would help a marriage.

Sharing is caring and when you start sharing with someone else and you stop sharing with your spouse, then you stop caring for your spouse. You are cheating them out of having a caring relationship.


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## britney5 (Nov 20, 2011)

Thanks for the answers.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

An EA - it's essentially "feelings."


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## britney5 (Nov 20, 2011)

I have a male friend who I email. And we tell each other what we did during past weekends and what we doing in our jobs, my husband is aware that I have email contact with friend. Am I right in thinking that this is not an emotional affair or not?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Why are you questioning if it's an emotional affair? 
Is there more you are not telling us? 
Did your husband voice concern about it?
Does your husband know the friend ?

Has the friend crossed a "friend" line? Have you?

Do you have feelings for your friend or vice versa?

Why ask if it's an emotional affair?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

If the exchange between you and your male friend is out in the open and your husband has access to your interactions and you are not sharing any marital problems, nor romantic nor sexual topics, then your relationship is not an EA.

A good rule of thumb is to ask yourself prior to sharing any info with any man other than your husband "Would it be okay to show my husband what I'm about to write to my friend?"


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

britney5 said:


> I have a male friend who I email. And we tell each other what we did during past weekends and what we doing in our jobs, my husband is aware that I have email contact with friend. Am I right in thinking that this is not an emotional affair or not?


As long as you are not secretive about your talks, you would be more than willing to show your H every email or hear any conversation between the two of you, and you would willingly end the friendship if your H felt threatened by it, then I would not consider it an emotional affair.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

britney5 said:


> I have a male friend who I email. And we tell each other what we did during past weekends and what we doing in our jobs, my husband is aware that I have email contact with friend. Am I right in thinking that this is not an emotional affair or not?


Why did you not ask your husband this question? The very fact that you have this question shows that boundaries are being crossed.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

My H only spoke to 2 certain women from our home when I was not here, or mostly when he was out on the road ( truck driver). He only talked to the one from her work cell when she was away from her H ( work commute), and the other woman(his ex high school sweetheart and he also slept with her 13 yrs. ago right before we met) he only talked to on her actual work phone, never her cell, so I'm sure her H had access to their bill. 

He didn't tell me about talking to them and deleted calls and texts before he got home. I got that "gut feeling" and decided to check our cell phone records and found the calls.. he got very defensive when I confronted him about the calls and of course his response was that they were "just friends" and he only talked to them because he would get bored driving and they were just "people" to talk to.......... Even though he admitted to me that he "enjoyed their conversations"

So doesn't explain why he would have to call when he was home, or he would get off phone with me "call waiting" and take their calls???? So that to me was considered EA's.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

AngryandUsed said:


> Why did you not ask your husband this question? The very fact that you have this question shows that boundaries are being crossed.


I was leaning that way too.


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## britney5 (Nov 20, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Why are you questioning if it's an emotional affair?
> Is there more you are not telling us?
> Did your husband voice concern about it?
> Does your husband know the friend ?
> ...


I guess the reason why I am questionning this is because I have never had a male rather than a female platonic friend before. My husband knows I'm in contact with him, and he has not voiced any concerns about me being in contact with friend. No friend has not crossed friend line and I don't think I have, we don't discuss deep things, we don't have romantic feelings for each other. I don't say any negative things about my husband to him.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

morituri said:


> If the exchange between you and your male friend is out in the open and your husband has access to your interactions and you are not sharing any marital problems, nor romantic nor sexual topics, then your relationship is not an EA.
> 
> A good rule of thumb is to ask yourself prior to sharing any info with any man other than your husband "Would it be okay to show my husband what I'm about to write to my friend?"


:iagree:

Something to add to this is to also ask yourself if you are saying or doing things via email or in person that you don't normally do for same sex friends. If you are you are crossing the line.

Another sign to look for is if you just think about getting the next email or look forward to seeing him next and these thoughts intrude during the day. If you get too much of a warm fuzzy feeling when you read them and quickly reply to get another response you are probably getting drawn into an EA. This leads to an escalation of contact which may spiral out of control and becomes an addiction.

The thing to watch out for is that feelings evolve. You might not have them now but that may change for you or him at any time.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

AngryandUsed said:


> The test of EA or PA is: anything that you will not do in the presence of your spouse? PA implies sex.


Not totally. I would also like to add, it's an EA when your partner does the following EVEN in front of you:

1. Lowers their standards of behavior to accommodate this person. For example, if your partner is a stickler on punctuality, does s/he appear unbothered that this person makes him / both you wait.

Ditto for other things, as I experienced like letting her talk baby talk; allowing her to repeat herself constantly with (his) impunity. My (ex)husband always reminded me, very cuttingly, whenever I made the mistake of saying something more than once. HE wasn't perfect either. But biy, we certainly heard HER say many things over and over again.

2. Do the other person's needs take priority over hers? Do you find that your free time is taken up by the person and your partner's explanation is " but we have to...."

and so on.

These days with so many people believing that opposite sex friendships is the way to go (or you're just insecure) quite often an EA can happen right before your eyes.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

The fact that you are questioning whether it's an EA at all is sending my radar off. But who knows.


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## DubeGechi (Dec 12, 2010)

To me, emotional affair is when a person cannot restrain him/herself from regular contacts and the discussion goes more than friendly chats (family issues seep in, lotsa flattering goes on) etc. It hurts as bad as physical affair, and the worst part is the culprits do not even understand what they are doing to the family. It burns without flame.


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## DubeGechi (Dec 12, 2010)

britney5 said:


> I guess the reason why I am questionning this is because I have never had a male rather than a female platonic friend before. My husband knows I'm in contact with him, and he has not voiced any concerns about me being in contact with friend. No friend has not crossed friend line and I don't think I have, we don't discuss deep things, we don't have romantic feelings for each other. I don't say any negative things about my husband to him.


yeah - baby, it starts just like that. "my husband knows, or I dont have romantic feeling" is a dangerous premise. The hard fact is if you dont stop, the other guy will give you the momentum, and it takes just a spark. Average person (busy with job and family) makes contact with his her best friends once or twice a month. If you are chatting with the other guy couple of times a week- even the fool will guess whats going on.


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## me2pointoh (Jan 31, 2012)

britney5, I applaud you for coming here. I do wonder exactly why and how you came? To me, it seems like you might be investigating because you have a niggling feeling about your friendship. 

But still, the fact that you are researching says a lot about you. Protect your marriage, there is a lot of great info here.


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## AE86freak (Feb 24, 2012)

Unhappy2011 said:


> I find this response strange.
> 
> Sex is more than a woman just getting naked for a man.
> 
> ...


I'm sure any man would find it more than "annoying" that another man is seeing his wife naked!


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## Alittlefunnnn (Jan 11, 2012)

I believe friendship with the opposite sex should be used for the purpose of understanding how the opposite sex works, feels and thinks. It should be used for informational purposes ONLY. 

Anytime you are investing equal or more energy into ANY relationship outside of your marriage you are in essence putting your marriage on the back burner. Anytime you respond to another relationship outside of your marriage with equal to or more enthusiasm than what you show your partner then you are putting your marriage in the back burner.

If communicating with another person emotionally or physically takes time away you could be doing the same with your partner you are in essence cheating your partner. 

A simple way of looking at it is by thinking back when you met your partner. There wasn't a minute you did not want to communicate with them. If you are still not WANTING to communicate with them as much and instead are spending that energy & time communicating with another "friend" then you are basically putting your partner on the back burner. 

Maybe this will help you when it comes to understanding and separating the differences between friendship with your spouse and with another person.

That's my opinion.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

How would you feel if the roles were reversed and your husband has a female friend who he constantly emailed?


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## cloudwithleggs (Oct 13, 2011)

bryanp said:


> How would you feel if the roles were reversed and your husband has a female friend who he constantly emailed?


My estranged husband did that to me and he phoned her all the time, but sexually used my pic/vids to jack off to, we didn't talk for those years till i met the other guy. Then he went ballistic saying i was cheating, but i said we didn't have a relationship, of course his rules are totally screwed.


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