# Lunch with the opposite sex at work



## MZMEE

How do you feel about having lunch with the opposite sex at work when you are a *married *person? Me and my husband have had heated discussions about this and I just need to know some other opinions.

What type of boundaries have you and your spouse set?
Is it just a blanket...no lunches? or It doesn't matter, you just trust your spouse to handle themselves respectfully?

Thanks.


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## Noble1

Depends on the situation for me.

If it's 1 on 1 away from the office or everyone else....then nope. No real reason for this.

If its part of a group or a working lunch in the office then ok.

But this is just me.


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## Jessica38

Our boundary is we don’t have 1:1 time with the OS. We fully trust each other to put our marriage first by protecting it from developing close relationships with the OS. Since most affairs- including EAs- start in the workplace, it’s a precaution that makes sense, in my opinion. Especially considering that most decent people don’t go looking for affairs and often emotional bonds are formed with the OS unintentionally. We’re all hardwired to pair-bond and it can happen with those we spend a lot of time with at work if they’re given the opportunity to meet emotional needs: attention, affection, intimate conversation. This is why often an affair partner is a “step down” from one’s spouse- the spouse wasn’t looking for it to begin with.

We both have OS friends- but they’re friends of the marriage and we see them together.


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## Yeswecan

I have only had lunch with the opposite sex as part of my work in sales. These were customers. At no other time have I went to lunch with female coworker or otherwise. It did not feel right for me to be doing so. My wife trusted me to handle myself as nothing more than a meal while discussing business. That is exactly what I did. 

I can say that the company I worked for sent in a lady from our sales department that took us all to dinner. She was no lady as it turns out and worked hard on getting any one(maybe two) male at the table back to her room. I was not having any parts of that.


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## sa58

One on one lunch NO! what ever you
are discussing at lunch can and should be
done at the office. Business lunches usually 
can not be avoided. Your SO should always 
be told however before or after. What reason would 
a married person have for a one on one lunch
with a single or married coworker? NONE!!
Dinners bring your spouse always!!


YESWECAN- I knew a lady like that, she was married 
also. I said noway!! Predators come in all sizes and shapes I guess.


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## john117

Y'all are kidding right?


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## personofinterest

My gut reaction is NO!!!!!!

But it may be more nuanced. For example, a calendared lunch in a public place with a client, where you meet at the restaurant....sometimes and in some jobs that is unavoidable.

Yeah...it is

If, say I was meeting with a freelance client to discuss a project, and they said "Can we meet at Panera at 11:30?" My husband would likely have no problem with that - during the day, not riding in anyone's car, etc. There have been times I needed to talk with someone face to face, and we lived a couple hours away from each other. Meeting at a Ruby Tuesday's in the middle makes a lot more sense than one or the other of us traveling the whole way, especially when I was working remotely a lot and my "office" would have been my home.

But friendly, social "friend" lunches one on one? Nope. No need.


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## Yeswecan

john117 said:


> Y'all are kidding right?


Nope. I have no desire to go to lunch one on one with the opposite sex. Just does not feel right to me. I did so for business and it did not feel right to me. But I did and it was rarely because of the type of business I'm in. As for the lady from my own sales department sent to us from our general office...yep...she was working hard to get any one of the gents at the table to service her needs at the hotel she was booked. I went home after eating my dinner, drinking the finest scotch and having a few laughs. 

But that is just me. :smthumbup:


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## 269370

MZMEE said:


> How do you feel about having lunch with the opposite sex at work when you are a *married *person? Me and my husband have had heated discussions about this and I just need to know some other opinions.
> 
> 
> 
> What type of boundaries have you and your spouse set?
> 
> Is it just a blanket...no lunches? or It doesn't matter, you just trust your spouse to handle themselves respectfully?
> 
> 
> 
> Thanks.




Trust your spouse. Unless you have a reason not to trust them...
What’s the problem with having business lunches? I though all sexes are supposed to be treated equally...It’s weird to prefer same sex lunches over opposite sex lunches. He would be discriminating by having this preference. Sex shouldn’t even come into the equation. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## arbitrator

*In both the oilfield and in Federal Government, if I went to lunch, it was always with one of my same-sex cohorts!

Even if I had to take a woman out to lunch for business purposes, I made sure that someone would accompany us!

Never a one on one lunch with a woman, ever! In my estimation, nothing good could ever come from it!*


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## Yeswecan

inmyprime said:


> Trust your spouse. Unless you have a reason not to trust them...
> What’s the problem with having business lunches? I though all sexes are supposed to be treated equally...It’s weird to prefer same sex lunches over opposite sex lunches. He would be discriminating by having this preference. Sex shouldn’t even come into the equation.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


OP was not specific about the OS, if business or coworker. I did the lunches with OS for business. That was all. Some offices I brought lunch into for the OS as they has feelings about one on one lunches. So it was just not me. I generally brought lunch for a few in the customers office. 

I see no reason to go to lunch one on one with OS. Simply feels awkward to me.


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## Amplexor

Personally, such a blanket rejection of a social lunch with an OS work mate or friend sounds like an awful lot of mistrust and insecurities in oneself and their marriage. Should there be clear and mutually understood boundaries? Yes. But an absolute no-way, no-how under any circumstances. Sorry, I just don't get it. JMHO.


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## Cromer

I used to do 1 on 1 lunches all of the time, male or female. Mentor lunches. I would never do mentor lunches today 1 on 1 with a female, only males. No way, not worth the risk.


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## sa58

With all of the work place issues
Sexual harassment, sexual misconduct,
Workplace affairs, and office gossip etc
It is best just to avoid anything.
keep it professional at all times.
Why risk your career, reputation, 
and maybe marriage?


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## Yeswecan

Amplexor said:


> Personally, such a blanket rejection of a social lunch with an OS work mate or friend sounds like an awful lot of mistrust and insecurities in oneself and their marriage. Should there be clear and mutually understood boundaries? Yes. But an absolute no-way, no-how under any circumstances. Sorry, I just don't get it. JMHO.


It is not always mistrust or insecurities. It is simply a feeling of awkwardness(specifically for me). Do you get awkwardness? The lunches (work related or otherwise) with OS don't agree with my being.


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## Amplexor

Yeswecan said:


> It is not always mistrust or insecurities. It is simply a feeling of awkwardness(specifically for me). Do you get awkwardness? The lunches (work related or otherwise) with OS don't agree with my being.


My response was simply in regards to OS meetings within the confines/rules of a marriage/LTR. One's own personal rejection of them for other reasons is another topic. As are fears of sexual harassment or being accused of such in OS meetings/lunches.


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## EleGirl

I see no problem at all with lunches with business associates and/or co-workers of any gender. I've always done this. On business trips, I've gone to dinner with people who are the OS.

The rule is that it's in a public place. Drive yourself there and back. No heavy drinking.

If a person is going to cheat, they are going to cheat whether it's at a lunch with a co-worker or just sneaking out to meet them somewhere else.

If I have to control my spouse to the point of managing their every move, I would end the marriage.

And yes my husbands cheated on me. Going out to lunch with co-workers had nothing to do with their cheating. They found plenty of other ways to cheat. And yes I dumped their sorry cheating behinds.


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## wilson

It might be okay when the lunch is truly a working lunch, but it should be just on an occasional basis and there should be a clear reason why it has to be done over lunch. For example, if the district boss is only in town a few days and needs to meet with the sales director, lunch may be one of the only free times available. If one is a man and one is a woman, oh well. But if it's two people from the same office who could just as easily meet at work, then it starts to cross a line.

And even if everything is totally innocent, the office gossip mill will talk anyway. People will assume the couple are flirting over lunch or even having a full-blown affair. The fact that you and your husband have had heated discussions about this should be concerning to you. Is lunch with an opposite-sex co-worker that important that it's worth all the rumors and consternation? 

No matter what is resolved in this thread, we aren't all the people in the world. People *will* think that the work couple is up to something if they go to lunch together (dinner and happy hour as well).


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## naiveonedave

imo - would it easily be seen as a date, if the spouse wasn't married? If you can answer that question as it isn't a date, then it would be okay. Most of these situations are truly dates, tho.


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## sokillme

Amplexor said:


> Personally, such a blanket rejection of a social lunch with an OS work mate or friend sounds like an awful lot of mistrust and insecurities in oneself and their marriage. Should there be clear and mutually understood boundaries? Yes. But an absolute no-way, no-how under any circumstances. Sorry, I just don't get it. JMHO.


So then in your relationship you don't have to do it. I have mixed feelings about this. But people are entitled to their won boundaries in their relationship without it being called insecure.


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## sokillme

EleGirl said:


> I see no problem at all with lunches with business associates and/or co-workers of any gender. I've always done this. On business trips, I've gone to dinner with people who are the OS.
> 
> The rule is that it's in a public place. Drive yourself there and back. No heavy drinking.
> 
> If a person is going to cheat, they are going to cheat whether it's at a lunch with a co-worker or just sneaking out to meet them somewhere else.
> 
> If I have to control my spouse to the point of managing their every move, I would end the marriage. I
> 
> And yes my husbands cheated on me. Going out to lunch with co-workers had nothing to do with their cheating. They found plenty of other ways to cheat. And yes I dumped their sorry cheating behinds.


I tend to agree. There are cheaters and non cheaters, cheaters will find a way. However if it made it easier on my wife, say if she was cheated on before then I would be willing to do it.


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## Amplexor

sokillme said:


> So then in your relationship you don't have to do it. I have mixed feelings about this. But people are entitled to their won boundaries in their relationship without it being called insecure.


Couples are most certainly entitled to their own boundaries and rules within and outside the relationship. It is the absolute, no-way, now-how responses that would concern me. So if such an inflexible gauntlet is thrown down in a blanket manner, then yes, I would suspect there are either insecurity, jealousy or control issues at play in the relationship.

As a FBH, I have no issues with my FWW having lunch with a male friend, which she does. As long as she adheres to our agreed boundaries, which she does.


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## anonmd

Wow, thought it was the 21st century. 

If 1 man and 1 women were professionally qualified enough to get hired they ought to be able to do lunch from time to time on a professional basis - SHEESH! Talking office environments, maybe the firehouse or construction site is different.


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## SpinyNorman

We just trust each other. Neither of us would care if the other had lunch w/ someone of the opposite sex.


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## SpinyNorman

sa58 said:


> One on one lunch NO! what ever you
> are discussing at lunch can and should be
> done at the office. Business lunches usually
> can not be avoided. Your SO should always
> be told however before or after. *What reason would
> a married person have for a one on one lunch
> with a single or married coworker? *NONE!!
> Dinners bring your spouse always!!
> 
> 
> YESWECAN- I knew a lady like that, she was married
> also. I said noway!! Predators come in all sizes and shapes I guess.


While I'm sure you meant this as a rhetorical question, I have a real answer so I will give it. The answer being "socialization", and it applies to either gender. It's ok w/ me if you don't do this, but you posted the question so I posted my answer.


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## NextTimeAround

My exH was in consulting so you always want to be on a project bringing money in for the firm. he would regularly go to lunch with co workers, boss's secretaries...... While I may have had a few other complaints about him, his telling me about these lunches never bothered me and made sense given how important internal networking is.


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## BluesPower

Amplexor said:


> Personally, such a blanket rejection of a social lunch with an OS work mate or friend sounds like an awful lot of mistrust and insecurities in oneself and their marriage. Should there be clear and mutually understood boundaries? Yes. But an absolute no-way, no-how under any circumstances. Sorry, I just don't get it. JMHO.


Just curious, what is it that you had to heal your marriage from, according to your tag line?


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## Aspydad

My wife would not have a problem if I went out to lunch with one of my female coworkers. But, I will not do that one-on-one as this is a boundary I have set for myself. Actually, had an attractive coworker, who have gone out to lunch when accompanied by other coworkers, ask me to go to lunch last week - asked her where she was going and she told me - so I pulled out 10 bucks and asked her if she could bring me something back - and she did. She gave me a funny look but I got out of it without having to tell her why I would not go with her.


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## Young at Heart

Yeswecan said:


> Nope. I have no desire to go to lunch one on one with the opposite sex. Just does not feel right to me. I did so for business and it did not feel right to me. But I did and it was rarely because of the type of business I'm in. As for the lady from my own sales department sent to us from our general office...yep...she was working hard to get any one of the gents at the table to service her needs at the hotel she was booked. I went home after eating my dinner, drinking the finest scotch and having a few laughs.
> 
> But that is just me. :smthumbup:


OK, I am a professional in a highly technical field. Usually work is done in small teams. Sometimes some elements of the project might just need two people to figure out a solution. I have enough self-discipline to be able to compartmentalize a working lunch on a project with a team member who happens to be a woman and not fall in love with her.

Socializing with woman daily at lunch is a totally different thing in my mind. Therefore, for me it is all about the context and the frequency. I do see a danger to daily social interaction with someone of the opposite sex, because that can easily lead to falling in love with them.

There was a good story years ago about the 36 questions that can lead to love and marriage. Basically, it is about sharing core values, hopes, aspirations and dreams with someone as a way of emotionally bonding with them.

https://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/11/fashion/no-37-big-wedding-or-small.html


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## Yeswecan

Young at Heart said:


> OK, I am a professional in a highly technical field. Usually work is done in small teams. Sometimes some elements of the project might just need two people to figure out a solution. I have enough self-discipline to be able to compartmentalize a working lunch on a project with a team member who happens to be a woman and not fall in love with her.
> 
> Socializing with woman daily at lunch is a totally different thing in my mind. Therefore, for me it is all about the context and the frequency. I do see a danger to daily social interaction with someone of the opposite sex, because that can easily lead to falling in love with them.
> 
> There was a good story years ago about the 36 questions that can lead to love and marriage. Basically, it is about sharing core values, hopes, aspirations and dreams with someone as a way of emotionally bonding with them.
> 
> https://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/11/fashion/no-37-big-wedding-or-small.html


For me it has nothing to do with possibility of falling in love. It simply feels awkward. The one on one lunch with OS. Social interaction is fine with others around the table. A small group. 

The dinner I described with other sales folks around the table with the sales manager(female) only got awkward when she became forward with her intentions/desires/plan for after dinner meet in her room.


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## Amplexor

BluesPower said:


> Just curious, what is it that you had to heal your marriage from, according to your tag line?


My wife was involved in a LTEA about ten years ago. The thread is stickied in the Reconciliation Forum.


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## Steelman

One on one business- fine.

One on one business frequent- probably not.

One on one with the guy in 4 cubes down occasionally- OK if it was once in a blue moon.

One on one with the guy 4 cubes down frequently- no chance.


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## stro

1 on 1 opposite sex lunches aren’t the end of the world. Obviously there needs to be boundaries that may not exist with a same sex lunch partner. I’ve done this plenty of times, always with friends from work. It has never been a problem. My wife always knows. One of the main boundaries is that this person is not a confidant for relationship issues. That’s a no go zone both ways. But overall I guess it just depends on the people. If you are looking to pursue an extramarital relationship that may be a way to get that started . But it all depends on your intentions and maturity. Honestly, It’s really not that hard to NOT fall in love with your co workers. It really isn’t.


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## kekkek

wilson said:


> People will assume the couple are flirting over lunch or even having a full-blown affair.


I must confess that I am shocked by the responses on this thread. When I asked about dating at work, a lot of people said that they didn't have a problem with that, although to me that seems like extreme and reckless behavior. But I eat with colleagues in all sorts of configurations, depending on who is around at the moment, including one-to-one OS. I have also had lunch meetings with a boss or a minion of the OS. To think that those would be seen as dates! I guess some people would assume I am the office **** on this basis.

I can't fathom that it would be awkward to have 1-1 time with another human solely because they are of a different gender.

Even more horrible, I have had a colleague of the OS drive me home when my car was in the shop. And I have returned the favor! I feel really decadent and debauched now. What must they think of me?


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## Personal

MZMEE said:


> How do you feel about having lunch with the opposite sex at work when you are a *married *person? Me and my husband have had heated discussions about this and I just need to know some other opinions.
> 
> What type of boundaries have you and your spouse set?
> Is it just a blanket...no lunches? or It doesn't matter, you just trust your spouse to handle themselves respectfully?
> 
> Thanks.


I think that my wife and I having lunch with other opposite sex people at work is fine even one-on-one. I've even had dinner on a number of occasions with opposite sex friends one-on-one alone while married to my wife.

We have no boundaries or rules on this.

I have never cheated on my wife (or any other sexual partner of mine), likewise as far as I am aware my wife hasn't cheated on me either.

If I decide to cheat on my wife I will do exactly that, no boundaries or limitations would prevent that outcome if I made that choice. Likewise if my wife decides to cheat on me she will do exactly that, and she would likewise ignore any boundaries or limitations to achieve that end.

As with all of my sexual partners I will trust my wife until I have reason not to. Even then if someone wants to cheat on you, imposing all sorts of boundaries upon them will not prevent someone who wants to cheat on you.

What surprises me is there are so many people in relationships, who through their own insecurities seem determined to make rods for their own backs.

The tighter the grip, the less you have.

Ones partner or partners are either with them or not. If they're not, unless one is willing to tie them up in the basement boundaries are not going to bring them on side and some people have even escaped from basements.


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## jarhed

A 1;1 lunch with a coworker is OK if it is not a recurring thing.

Going to lunch with OS coworker often means there is more and this is a NO NO.


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## SunCMars

It seems......

No, I know......

Having lunch with the opposite sex is especially bad if the opposite sex 'is' the lunch.

Just Sayin'



The Host-


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## SunCMars

Personal said:


> I think that my wife and I having lunch with other opposite sex people at work is fine even one-on-one. I've even had dinner on a number of occasions with opposite sex friends one-on-one alone while married to my wife.
> 
> We have no boundaries or rules on this.
> 
> I have never cheated on my wife (or any other sexual partner of mine), likewise as far as I am aware my wife hasn't cheated on me either.
> 
> If I decide to cheat on my wife I will do exactly that, no boundaries or limitations would prevent that outcome if I made that choice. Likewise if my wife decides to cheat on me she will do exactly that, and she would likewise ignore any boundaries or limitations to achieve that end.
> 
> As with all of my sexual partners I will trust my wife until I have reason not to. Even then if someone wants to cheat on you, imposing all sorts of boundaries upon them will not prevent someone who wants to cheat on you.
> 
> What surprises me is there are so many people in relationships, who through their own insecurities seem determined to make rods for their own backs.
> 
> The tighter the grip, the less you have.
> 
> Ones partner or partners are either with them or not. If they're not, unless one is willing to tie them up in the basement boundaries are not going to bring them on side and some people have even escaped from basements.


Ah, a brave man Thou art.

And a fool!

To put a child in a candy store, telling them not to notice, not to touch.
To put a healthy pooch in a cage with a healthy female poochee.

To put a healthy female at a table full of food and laughter.
Her, sipping a tall glass of wine.

Sitting with a man all guzzied up. His hair in place, his nails trimmed.
His suit pressed, his eyes blue and sparkly.

His smile genuine, his praise heaped.
Heaped up tall, blinding her eyes and her common sense.

His cologne reeling her mind, lifting her to places she has not visited.....in years.

Reminding her of her youth and her freedom, of long-gone passion found.
Her telling herself, no one is watching, no one will know.
I can handle this. No one will know. No one will be hurt.

Just this one time, oh my, I feel so good inside, so warm.
I feel so desirable, so wanted.
This guy is so nice, so friendly. He makes me feel so alive.
So happy.

No, do not put your wife in such a position. Say NO!

Why tempt the Devil.
The Devil will gladly oblige, Oh Yeah!



The Red Queen-


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## The Middleman

I avoid 1 : 1 lunches with the opposite sex in business situations if at all possible, and I expect the same from my wife.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

MZMEE said:


> How do you feel about having lunch with the opposite sex at work when you are a *married *person? Me and my husband have had heated discussions about this and I just need to know some other opinions.
> 
> What type of boundaries have you and your spouse set?
> Is it just a blanket...no lunches? or It doesn't matter, you just trust your spouse to handle themselves respectfully?
> 
> Thanks.


Mixed company fine, one on one no.


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## wilson

kekkek said:


> Even more horrible, I have had a colleague of the OS drive me home when my car was in the shop. And I have returned the favor! I feel really decadent and debauched now. What must they think of me?


Unfortunately, we can't control what other people think. The various people in the office probably think everything from "it's nothing" to "OMG! What is she doing!" It just depends on the individual.

I personally wouldn't think anything if it was just occasional 1-on-1 time. But if I saw you and him going off on a regular basis, I would start to wonder what's going on. Maybe if it was more than once per week I'd wonder. It would also depend on how well I knew you and what type of signals I got from seeing you two together. If there's a lot of flirty banter, then I'd think there's something going on.

There's also the issue that, in general, men are often looking to take it to the next level. Many women will just think he's being nice, but we guys know he's being nice because he wants something. That doesn't mean that every lunch with a guy is him trying to get something, but often a guy is going to be thinking about it regardless. I think it's very likely that a woman can go to lunch and it's just lunch, but I don't think it's the same for a man (in general).


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## Wolf1974

Amplexor said:


> Personally, such a blanket rejection of a social lunch with an OS work mate or friend sounds like an awful lot of *mistrust and insecurities* in oneself and their marriage. Should there be clear and mutually understood boundaries? Yes. But an absolute no-way, no-how under any circumstances. Sorry, I just don't get it. JMHO.


also very controlling. I would never be in a relationship where my friends are determined.


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## norman

If it's part of a group of co-workers together, that's fine. If it's my wife going off on her own with a male co-worker one on one, then no.


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## Fozzy

What kind of food are we talking about? Do they have a dollar menu?


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## Yeswecan

Fozzy said:


> What kind of food are we talking about? Do they have a dollar menu?


Yes. You can even "Go Large"!


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## I shouldnthave

We do not have any hard fast rules on this. My husband is in sales, and I know he occasionally has lunch with clients - no big deal to me.



Cromer said:


> I used to do 1 on 1 lunches all of the time, male or female. Mentor lunches. I would never do mentor lunches today 1 on 1 with a female, only males. No way, not worth the risk.


I was going to say "I don't go on 1 on 1 lunches at work" - but I forgot, I do, with my mentors. My now retired boss comes to town and we go to lunch. I have another mentor, and he too will take me out to lunch to discuss business when he is in town. Maybe its because I am under 40, and these men are 67 and 80 respectively, but I never thought of it as inappropriate for a moment. My husband has no problems with these lunches (and knows my old boss personally). 

Now - I do have a conference coming up, and I will be traveling with my male, same age coworker. That.... I am not really looking forward to. Not that my husband will make a stink, but I know it will make him feel uneasy (heh, maybe I can figure out a way to smuggle him with me, and he can chill by the pool while I am in boring seminars!).


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## Johann Sebastian

My wife goes to 1:1 lunch with her OS boss a lot. Of course he is as gay as a day in May, so there's that.


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## CharlieParker

Fozzy said:


> What kind of food are we talking about? Do they have a dollar menu?


Golden Corral maybe? 

But more seriously, I just take lunch at my desk. I don't have lunch together with anyone, same or opposite sex and I work with my (opposite sex) wife.


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## ButWeAreStrange

My husband and I have learned from the past that it's a bad idea to have one-on-one lunch breaks with coworkers. Clients are fine, groups are fine, but not one on one with the opposite sex. While he worked in sales he ended up going on one-on-one lunch breaks with same sex coworkers which, several times, ended up with the coworker getting the wrong idea and ended with these girls turning them into perceived dates (despite knowing he was married). It took him a minute to really put two and two together about how easy it is to give the wrong impression, especially since he's a very social and open guy (also bipolar which comes with a difficult time reading social cues). But he learned the hard way, after one coworker's boyfriend came to meet him at work claiming that said coworker had said something about having a work boyfriend. My husband's face was apparently priceless, he had no idea what was going on! 

Now flash forward to these days, he never leaves work to go to lunch and usually eats with his coworkers at their shared desk (he works in service now). I did have to remind him of how easily his innocent (arguably naive) one-on-one socializing has gotten him into trouble in the past and had to recently steer him away from a secretary who was continuously spending time "getting to know him." When I pointed out that it isn't normal behavior, especially for a girl that much younger to be interested in learning the hopes, dreams, and interests of a guy over ten years her senior, he again put two and two together and has since backed away completely. 

So yep, we don't feel comfortable with either of us going to lunch one-on-one with the opposite sex, especially coworkers. Better safe than sorry! hahaha


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## personofinterest

> Of course he is as gay as a day in May, so there's that.


I request that you quantify exactly how gay a day in May is 

I had a male friend I used to go to dinner and pageants with (yes I am serious). He too was quite frivolic and effusive (gay).


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## TAMAT

I thought it was safe to go to lunch with a Lesbian co-worker on rare occasions by ourselves, usually there was one or two other people in the group.

Then at one lunch she started talking about threesomes, I shut it down quickly and said in general terms that threesomes usually went bad for people in committed relationships. Emotional attachments can form from contact and time even if you aren't the gender the person prefers.


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## aine

I think a one-off work meeting etc is ok but not lunch one to one on a regular basis that is asking for trouble. It is also the same with giving lifts to work. I had a friend whose H gave lifts to church every weekend to a foreign lady who didnt have a car. My friend went separately with her kids. We all know how that ended, yes in an affair!


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## SpinyNorman

wilson said:


> Unfortunately, we can't control what other people think. The various people in the office probably think everything from "it's nothing" to "OMG! What is she doing!" It just depends on the individual.
> 
> I personally wouldn't think anything if it was just occasional 1-on-1 time. *But if I saw you and him going off on a regular basis, I would start to wonder what's going on.* Maybe if it was more than once per week I'd wonder. It would also depend on how well I knew you and what type of signals I got from seeing you two together. If there's a lot of flirty banter, then I'd think there's something going on.
> 
> There's also the issue that, in general, men are often looking to take it to the next level. Many women will just think he's being nice, but we guys know he's being nice because he wants something. That doesn't mean that every lunch with a guy is him trying to get something, but often a guy is going to be thinking about it regardless. I think it's very likely that a woman can go to lunch and it's just lunch, but I don't think it's the same for a man (in general).


I carpooled w/ 2 women for years, for a while one, then both, then the other and nothing ever happened. I'd carpooled w/ a dude before that, same non-results.

Nearly all of the "red flags" I read about on TAM I think "I've done much more suspicious crap than that! I must've had an affair!" But I never did.


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## kekkek

I guess from reading these posts that some proportion of the population is much more easily excited than I am. The number of women in my life that have really got me going to the point that I'd be interested in pursuing a relationship with them is just barely out of double digits. Daily lunches with some one I don't have that spark with in the first place are not going to change that situation. Nor would sitting in traffic with a random female. 

On the other hand, there is a study that was recently in the news that if you sit with someone, stare into their eyes, and ask them a few personal questions, you are much more likely to desire them and fall for them. They did this by pairing random strangers, and found they could generate attraction.


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## Daisy12

I see no need to have a one on one lunch out with a member of the opposite sex unless it’s a business lunch. My husband eats at his desk for the 10 minutes he manages to each day to eat lunch, he has a crazy busy job. Sometimes a group of them will head out for lunch and he will go. I eat in the staff room with my coworkers which are 95% female and really have no time to leave the building to go out for lunch, we only get a half hour break. I work in a predominately female run environment.


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## manwithnoname

Even business lunches are not necessary in my opinion. My lunch time is my lunch time. During this time, I can catch up with texts, emails, news etc. 

I can discuss work stuff during an actual business meeting.

If a company is that busy that you need to basically work through lunch, then they can hire one more person.


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## tropicalbeachiwish

Cromer said:


> I used to do 1 on 1 lunches all of the time, male or female. Mentor lunches. I would never do mentor lunches today 1 on 1 with a female, only males. No way, not worth the risk.




This could back fire on you though. Have you been accused yet of favoritism because you go to lunch with the males and not the females? 

I understand the reasoning behind it; we sadly have gotten to the point where we have to walk on eggshells around everything anymore. But excluding females from mentor lunches is very wrong as well.


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## NobodySpecial

personofinterest said:


> I request that you quantify exactly how gay a day in May is
> 
> I had a male friend I used to go to dinner and pageants with (yes I am serious). He too was quite frivolic and effusive (gay).


If the weather here is any indication, not very. Still snowing.


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## NobodySpecial

When one of my team mates took on a leadership role, he took each member of the team out to lunch to discuss their professional development roles. Except me. Now, granted, I was in a slightly different role. I wonder if he was concerned about the male/female dynamic? Anyway his wife chastised him for not looking to my professional development goals as well. So off to lunch we went. We discussed goals. He was a great help to me.

I did go out to lunch a few times with another guy who was struggling on the team. Kind of a ***** session. We would up talking about kids and stuff. 

Aside from the obvious protecting oneself about from harassment type concerns, I do wonder about the mentality of these boundaries. Like where else in public can't you go or don't feel comfortable going out in public? I don't know. It strikes me weird.


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## BigDigg

I'm honestly a little surprised how aligned everyone here is though I suppose a good portion of posters have had infidelity experiences and have far deeper understanding of boundary setting, etc.

My first reaction to the question is - what's the big deal? In my career (tech consulting) I've had lunch and dinner with work colleagues and clients all the time. Many times this is in group settings but not always. It would be odd to exclude women and in fact we get training annually on diversity and inclusiveness that tend to steer you toward keeping these open for all and treating everyone the same. It's always been very professional and I can honestly say I've never seen or heard of anything untoward. Of course over the years I've developed female acquaintances and friendships from work and sales projects that i'd meet with 1:1 and wouldn't think twice, but again it's always been above board. It think it ultimately comes down to the individuals involved but maybe the industry and setting matter as much too...

Now my wife has a lunch with a male contact on Friday related to a potential job opening. She's recently left her hospital and this guy is manager at a nursing facility she's worked with previously. Now this thread has me like :scratchhead:


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## Cromer

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> This could back fire on you though. Have you been accused yet of favoritism because you go to lunch with the males and not the females?
> 
> I understand the reasoning behind it; we sadly have gotten to the point where we have to walk on eggshells around everything anymore. But excluding females from mentor lunches is very wrong as well.


I'd still take them to lunch, but always with a witness. Same at the office. I used to grant closed-door meetings with a manager, supervisor, or sales rep, but wouldn't with females anymore unless I had a witness present. I advised all of my male employees to do the same. I didn't create the circumstance that drove this decision. A man's got to think about protecting himself above all else now.

Mentor lunch? Yes. Closed door? Yes. Just not 1 on 1 with a female. A man's a fool to do that today.

ETA: My last boss was a woman, executive management. She'd always ask me to close the door when I came into her office, and I never did. One day she asked why, and all I said was "for our safety". She never asked what I meant and she never asked me to close the door again.


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## hinterdir

We don't put each other in this situation but if she did I'd be apposed to it in most cases. Not alone, one on one. Maybe as a group if her co-workers went out but not just her and him. My wife's friends are women so there's no guy that it wouldn't be odd for her to suddenly start going to lunch with. I'd be ok if it was my brother in law but probably not anyone else.


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## Vinnydee

I was invited to lunch by a co-worker and ended up having sex with the girl. In fact she somehow managed to say that she was STD free and on the Pill during our conversation. Had dinner with my secretary, and then ended up in a hotel room. Went to lunch with a girl who works next to our office and we had sex. Her surprise was that her female roommate joined us. Much nicer surprise. Went to dinner after a corporate affair with a girl from another branch Office. We had sex.

The difference is that I was not in a monogamous marriage. My wife had a steady girlfriend who was the third in our poly triad. Whether you should have lunch with a female or not depends on you. When I am out with an eligible woman she knows quickly that I am not looking to be her friend. I do not force the issue but they do know that I am attracted to them and would not turn down an opportunity to have sex with them. I had to stop putting myself in situations that might result in sex after we became polyfidelitous. Some guys can be friends with girls. I cannot.


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## Carphi

For me , I have lunch with a guy daily who is both my friend and co worker and also my husbands friend and co worker. His wife knows who I am and I know who she is. I am not attracted to him, no I just like having someone to eat lunch with which before he came to work there which was recently, I was by myself almost always so I like having someone to talk with about stuff which isn't work. I talk to him when not busy in work too and he has been to my house several times and my spouse has always been there as well. I have nothing to worry about, he is my friend and my husband and I both IM him on FB and share stuff like funny memes so there is nothing which is overboard. He is a great help to my spouse who is his supervisor and a good friend to me. If you have it like that, where they are not an attraction to you and you not to them, and you are known to their spouse and they to yours- Eating lunch is no big deal and not taboo at all or having them as a good friend. You Can be friends . You know where you are with them and no feelings more than friendship exist.


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## ABHale

MZMEE said:


> How do you feel about having lunch with the opposite sex at work when you are a *married *person? Me and my husband have had heated discussions about this and I just need to know some other opinions.
> 
> What type of boundaries have you and your spouse set?
> Is it just a blanket...no lunches? or It doesn't matter, you just trust your spouse to handle themselves respectfully?
> 
> Thanks.


Catch 22, your damned if you do damned if you don’t. 

I have seen lunch turn into an affair. I have seen it not turn into one. It doesn’t matter if you just trust your spouse or not. It happens to people that never thought they would ever cheat.


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## ABHale

There is a difference between a business lunch and going to lunch as friends. 

Business- It’s about the job 

Friends- It’s personal like a date.


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## kekkek

Vinnydee said:


> I was invited to lunch by a co-worker and ended up having sex with the girl. In fact she somehow managed to say that she was STD free and on the Pill during our conversation. Had dinner with my secretary, and then ended up in a hotel room. Went to lunch with a girl who works next to our office and we had sex. Her surprise was that her female roommate joined us. Much nicer surprise. Went to dinner after a corporate affair with a girl from another branch Office. We had sex.
> 
> The difference is that I was not in a monogamous marriage. My wife had a steady girlfriend who was the third in our poly triad. Whether you should have lunch with a female or not depends on you. When I am out with an eligible woman she knows quickly that I am not looking to be her friend. I do not force the issue but they do know that I am attracted to them and would not turn down an opportunity to have sex with them. I had to stop putting myself in situations that might result in sex after we became polyfidelitous. Some guys can be friends with girls. I cannot.


Please let us know your restaurant recommendations. I have never encountered places like this in my life!


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## [email protected]

I often had lunch with female co-workers without a problem. Wife knew about it.


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## uhtred

Wife and I both regularly have lunch with opposite sex coworkers. Lunch is a normal business practice and avoiding it is a career limiting move. 

In my case, I'll only invite a woman for a one-on-one lunch if there is a particular reason to do so, but I apply the same rule to male coworkers.

I'll often invite mixed groups of men and women to lunch. Sometimes it ends up that only a woman shows up, and that is fine. 

I don't know if my wife has any "rules". I not suspicious, she is free to have lunch with whoever she wants.


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## Curse of Millhaven

Hello! I don’t have any restrictions on my ball n chain dining or imbibing with the fairer sex at work. He’s gone to many social work functions that are *gasp* coed and he’s also gone to lunch with some gals from the office who invited him. I don’t really waste a lot of time or energy on jealousy or insecurity (of that nature) anymore. 

I trust him. And myself. I know he'll never find another who loves as I do. He knows this too. He also knows if he ever betrayed me I would leave him in a heartbeat. After I rip his ****ing heart out with my bare hands and eat it in front of him, of course. 

And I’ve had breakfast, lunch, and dinner with my best bud from work. Many times. We traveled a lot for work and would often get our grub on together. We also shared an office and much of our lives with each other. He’s an outstanding human being. 

In all of our shared meals we were never anything but hungry. For food! You lovely, dirty minded crazy kids you!


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## wilson

One factor in this is also the health of the marriage. Affairs are like opportunistic infections. A healthy and happy marriage will be much more resistant, while a marriage that is just limping along is much more at risk. If a spouse is sad about the future, they will be much more likely to think about "what ifs" and engage in fantasy thoughts about divorce and moving on to other relationships. "Innocent" lunches with OS coworkers would be a very easy way for someone to flirt with crossing the line but allow them to justify to themselves that they aren't doing anything wrong.


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## Pam

This has been a very informative thread. My late husband and I never gave a second thought to who was going to lunch with whom. And now I have lunch every so often with a business cohort who is married, and whose wife has no problem with it.


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## Saige

My opinion is that the health of the marriage is the deciding factor. 

In my own marriage, our opinions on this vary greatly. H - his default is that he thinks nothing of it lunch/dinner/any social setting with anyone, no information about it needs to be passed on to a spouse. My default is that out of respect for the other, you let them know. I would never broad blanket restrict something like this, and he couldn't give a damn. 

And.... unfortunately... my husband learned the hard way how easy it is for his way to go awry.


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## kekkek

Curse of Millhaven said:


> I trust him. And myself. I know he'll never find another who loves as I do. He knows this too. He also knows if he ever betrayed me I would leave him in a heartbeat. After I rip his ****ing heart out with my bare hands and eat it in front of him, of course.


My wife threatens to remove other body parts if I ever cheated :wink2:


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## Mr.Married

It's all professional until you get #metoo'd because she didn't like how the meeting lunch went.


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## LuckyM

So everyone agrees on this?

What about meeting at a supermarket (ha)
that has tables for eating?

No one has to eat there. It is very unromantic.


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## johnnywalker

More NO than YES...


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## Married but Happy

It has always been a matter of trust and reasonable boundaries. I've always had friends of the opposite sex. I sometimes have lunch alone with an OS coworker - some are single, some married. It never led to anything inappropriate because my personal boundary is to never get involved with someone I work with (even though I'm poly and have an open relationship). Not everyone can maintain boundaries, and if you know you have issues doing so, should avoid such situations.

If my spouse had an issue with it (she doesn't), I'd negotiate this, but would listen if she thought I had poor boundaries. If she is wrong (or can't give examples), then my position is that I have good boundaries, and she doesn't own or control me. I'll do what feels right for me, but will factor in any impact on my relationship. I would more easily give up lunches with a coworker than I would change anything about long-standing personal friendships.


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## MrsHolland

Not an issue here, we trust each other and both are more than able to maintain good boundaries.


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## Etomidate

MZMEE said:


> How do you feel about having lunch with the opposite sex at work when you are a *married *person? Me and my husband have had heated discussions about this and I just need to know some other opinions.
> 
> What type of boundaries have you and your spouse set?
> Is it just a blanket...no lunches? or It doesn't matter, you just trust your spouse to handle themselves respectfully?
> 
> Thanks.


For me it depends on the situation. If you mean going someplace else with them then the answer for me is NOPE! But if you mean in the office break room, I don’t see a problem with that.

I’m a male nurse, so 90% of my coworkers are women. Quite often I’m on a break with one other nurse, so it can’t really be helped.


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## alexalives4him35

I struggle with this. My husband is in the business world and often has to have lunch. I know it’s my insecurities but I’ve never been comfortable with it. I just think it’s to easy to let your guard down. 

He knows my thoughts. I don’t make his life miserable when it happens but my mind often plays tricks and I wonder. Is she pretty. Does he think so etc. just hard. Have more to say but lots have weighed in.


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## uhtred

Just my $.02
When I have a work lunch with a woman - yes, I might notice that she is pretty, the same way that I will notice a beautiful woman on the street. No, I'm not thinking about having sex with her. 

What most decreases any interest I might have in other women, is affection from my wife at home. 




alexalives4him35 said:


> I struggle with this. My husband is in the business world and often has to have lunch. I know it’s my insecurities but I’ve never been comfortable with it. I just think it’s to easy to let your guard down.
> 
> He knows my thoughts. I don’t make his life miserable when it happens but my mind often plays tricks and I wonder. Is she pretty. Does he think so etc. just hard. Have more to say but lots have weighed in.


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## TheDudeLebowski

This has never been an issue for me. I don't really enjoy lunch with other people. I also refuse to pick up lunch for someone else when I'm off to lunch. You have your own hour long lunch, go get your own food! That will take at least 5 minutes out of my alone time. That is my time AWAY! I value it too much. I want to sit down alone in a food joint, pop in my headphones and listen to a book, or watch some YouTube, or read some news articles or something. When I go to lunch with people, it takes away that me time I need throughout the day. 

That said, I have been to lunch with OS co-workers. Horrible experience. Not because of anything nefarious was going on. I just didn't like it. But the same thing can be said for SS co-workers. I didn't like it. 

I don't think I would care if my wife had an occasional lunch as a friend with a OS co-worker. She works with a bunch of women though and one gay guy. So this doesn't really come up. 

I do know some people who simply can't eat in a restaurant alone though. They feel as awkward as I do eating with other people (who aren't my family anyway). So I can see a situation where those folks who hate dining alone would occasionally have to ask a OS co-worker to lunch because all of their SS co-workers have already been and taken their break. So Dianne timidly asks Dave to lunch because she really hates the idea of going to lunch alone and Carol, Anne, and Lisa have already taken their lunch break. She has nobody else to go with but Dave. 

I think this can be a nuanced issue for a lot of folks and not such a black and white hard line in the sand boundary. I've been Dave in the example above. If you're married to a Dianne in the example given, you would probably understand and not draw such a hard line on the issue either. 

But yeah, there's boundaries for some people in place for a very good reason also. Like if Dianne and Dave always go to lunch together, I can certainly see a problem with that. Just saying I don't think this is a clear cut issue either way.


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## Dining Friends

You guys might want to join us on our daily meeting


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## happyhusband0005

Absolutely No problem with it. I get people having fears of harassment claims etc. but if the relationship is clear it shouldn't be a problem. My wife travels for work in high level sales. One key to being successful in sales at a high level is building strong relationships with the decision makers, so she often has one on one lunches and dinners with clients. Her job also includes selling the expertise of coworkers so having good relationships within her company is also important so she also does lunches, dinners and after dinner drinks with coworkers, sometimes one on one sometimes in a group.

We have complete trust in our relationship and neither of us are jealous types at all. I don't understand having a problem with this at all, I can only assume there is a trust issue there.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

alexalives4him35 said:


> I struggle with this. My husband is in the business world and often has to have lunch. I know it’s my insecurities but I’ve never been comfortable with it. I just think it’s to easy to let your guard down.
> 
> He knows my thoughts. I don’t make his life miserable when it happens but my mind often plays tricks and I wonder. Is she pretty. Does he think so etc. just hard. Have more to say but lots have weighed in.


It sounds like you've got it settled in your mind. That's good! I'll leave it there.


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## Edmund

happyhusband0005 said:


> Absolutely No problem with it. I get people having fears of harassment claims etc. but if the relationship is clear it shouldn't be a problem. My wife travels for work in high level sales. One key to being successful in sales at a high level is building strong relationships with the decision makers, so she often has one on one lunches and dinners with clients. Her job also includes selling the expertise of coworkers so having good relationships within her company is also important so she also does lunches, dinners and after dinner drinks with coworkers, sometimes one on one sometimes in a group.
> 
> 
> 
> We have complete trust in our relationship and neither of us are jealous types at all. I don't understand having a problem with this at all, I can only assume there is a trust issue there.



See thread by StillFightingForUs. (Next steps or something like that)


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## Rushmore410

I have one question. Can people not go to lunch with someone without sex or sexual innuendo being involved? I have female coworkers and I see them as competent professional piers of mine. My wife has male coworkers that she sees the same way.

I can also Have a female friend that I see as an intelligent fun person to be around and my wife likewise could have a male friend.

We are both very secure in our positions we hold in each other's lives. We are not weak people that would magically fall under someone's spell if we had lunch alone.


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## wilson

Rushmore410 said:


> I have one question. Can people not go to lunch with someone without sex or sexual innuendo being involved?


Of course! It happens all the time where a couple has a genuinely platonic lunch. But going to lunch together also provides an easy venue to get emotionally closer to each other. The more times that happens, the more opportunity for lines to get blurred. It doesn't mean it will happen, but it provides ample opportunity.

But the couple cannot totally control the narrative. Their coworkers will start to talk if the couple is going out to lunch with each other often. So there will be gossip to deal with no matter what the true state of their relationship. If it's lunch once in a great while--no big deal. But if it's a few times a week--people are going to assume something is going on.


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## Adelais

MZMEE said:


> *How do you feel about having lunch with the opposite sex at work when you are a married person?* Me and my husband have had heated discussions about this and I just need to know some other opinions.
> 
> What type of boundaries have you and your spouse set?
> Is it just a blanket...no lunches? or It doesn't matter, you just trust your spouse to handle themselves respectfully?
> 
> Thanks.


With a mixed group, maybe. And I would mostly talk with the girls. With just a guy, nope. And it wouldn't be OK for my husband either.


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