# What the hell is wrong with me.



## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

Holy hell. I don't know what is wrong with me. I just lost my ****, and I mean lost it! On my H. He was punishing the cat for getting on the tv stand by giving him a squirt of water and I came into the room so he came at me with the water like he was going to squirt me. I said no don't, around 6 times and kept walking backwards into the kitchen and he was following. I was begging him to stop and not get me wet with the stupid squirt bottle. He was laughing so of course I was trying not to laugh and be serious and he squirted me with the water, well I ****ing lost it! I started screaming at him and telling him he's ****ing immature and I told him not to ****ing do that. I was slamming the kitchen cupboards and told him to **** off twice and he finally left the kitchen. I yelled so loud I'm pretty sure the neighbours heard and by throat felt dry. It's been half hour and my body is still vibrating. I don't know what he hell has happened. I can't imagine how he feels right now. I am sitting in our room in the dark trying to figure out why the hell I got so pissed off. I just don't know. If he EVER yelled at me like that, I would probably cry myself to sleep for a month. It's just not right. I feel like **** and just don't understand. I feel like I wasn't even me. It's just so weird. Urgh.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


----------



## MidwestDave (Jun 18, 2009)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> Holy hell. I don't know what is wrong with me. I just lost my ****, and I mean lost it! On my H. He was punishing the cat for getting on the tv stand by giving him a squirt of water and I came into the room so he came at me with the water like he was going to squirt me. I said no don't, around 6 times and kept walking backwards into the kitchen and he was following. I was begging him to stop and not get me wet with the stupid squirt bottle. He was laughing so of course I was trying not to laugh and be serious and he squirted me with the water, well I ****ing lost it! I started screaming at him and telling him he's ****ing immature and I told him not to ****ing do that. I was slamming the kitchen cupboards and told him to **** off twice and he finally left the kitchen. I yelled so loud I'm pretty sure the neighbours heard and by throat felt dry. It's been half hour and my body is still vibrating. I don't know what he hell has happened. I can't imagine how he feels right now. I am sitting in our room in the dark trying to figure out why the hell I got so pissed off. I just don't know. If he EVER yelled at me like that, I would probably cry myself to sleep for a month. It's just not right. I feel like **** and just don't understand. I feel like I wasn't even me. It's just so weird. Urgh.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


Wow, that sounds intense. Here's my armchair psychoanalysis.

Maybe you have subconsciously suppressed some deep and substantial resentment toward your H, that is coming out now for some reason in the form of an angry outburst. Maybe you are typically a confrontation avoider? Were you really tired or mentally exhausted?

If this is a never-before kind of behavior maybe it's something different - perhaps even a physical reason, are you getting sick? I get really grumpy and weird when a cold or flu is coming on...


----------



## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

First of all, there's nothing "wrong" with you. You lost it. That's all.

But it does say a whole lot about your marriage.

There's things that are building up and when he didn't stop with the squirt gun, you equated that to something else.

What is it?


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Revamped said:


> First of all, there's nothing "wrong" with you. You lost it. That's all.
> 
> But it does say a whole lot about your marriage.
> 
> ...


Agreed.

Not withstanding, you owe your hubby an apology, a big one. It's never ok to yell like that. I know you know this.

Big hugs, you're human, you'll get through this xxx


----------



## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Frustration....maybe with your husband specifically, maybe with other things and your husbands actions just became the trigger and you let loose. 

Another thing to consider is why your husband continued to pursue you after telling him 6 times not to. Fun is fun but when the person you love is practically begging you not to do something and you do it anyway it's passive aggressive and boarders on bullying.


----------



## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

OP Just a hug... kiss and an apology and the words I don't know what got into me but if I figure it out you will be the first to know.

ETA: Could you still be angry that the Maple Leafs still have not won the Stanley Cup

55


----------



## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Cooper said:


> Frustration....maybe with your husband specifically, maybe with other things your and husbands actions just became the trigger and you let loose.
> 
> Another thing to consider is why your husband continued to pursue you after telling him 6 times not to. Fun is fun but when the person you love is practically begging you not to do something and you do it anyway it's passive aggressive and boarders on bullying.


I wouldn't read too deeply into that, he was laughing, she was trying not to, which means he might've thought it would just end playfully. 

Really it depends on previous history. If there was nothing in the relationship that could lead up to you feeling physically attacked/threatened, then I would suggest you need to do some real soul searching to figure out what triggered it and why. It could be stress related too if you're under a lot of stress lately.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

What do you think is wrong with you?


----------



## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

This type of stuff happens all the time in a relationship I figure.

As long as its not the norm an appology is fine.


----------



## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

Thanks for all of the comments. I still really don't know what happened. After I wrote this last night, H came up to bed and tried to tuck me in. He said "Maybe I shouldn't be doing this since your so mean to me." I just cried and got into bed. He asked me what was wrong, I said nothing, he went to sleep and I went to sleep. I feel so disconnected from him and I know its my fault. I am dealing with a lot right now. Lots of health problems, I will have to have a third surgery on my stomach at some point, so lots of appts and tests being done. I feel on edge all the time. I don't want to be touched, I just feel gross. It sucks. H is not a snuggly person, and I usually am, but lately he wants to hug me and I do hug him back, but can't bring myself to do anymore.

I am not threatened by H physically or otherwise, just for the record. I find lately almost everything is making me mad. I get like this around that time of the month BUT not usually like this, especially over something so stupid. I feel like a total *******.


----------



## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Just apologize and tell him it's PMS. Guys always buy that.


----------



## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> What do you think is wrong with you?


I think my self esteem blows. I try and try and never feel like its good enough. I feel like H is always breathing down my throat, when maybe he isn't. I feel like I will never look good enough for MYSELF! He loves me, tells me he doesn't care that I have managed to balloon up 80lbs in about 2 years, but I care. I lost 150lbs 6 years ago and told myself I would never be back to where I am now. and here I am, 80lbs heavier and drowning in self pity. It sucks. H has NEVER had an issue with his weight, so he really doesn't understand the struggle I go thru. I have fought this since I was in my early teens. I had WLS in 2008 and they now want to do another due to scar tissue and my stomach not draining. Things are just going to ****. H needs a new car, and we just cant afford it.


----------



## SeaStarIn (Mar 26, 2014)

"He asked me what was wrong, I said nothing, he went to sleep and I went to sleep. I feel so disconnected from him and I know its my fault. I am dealing with a lot right now. Lots of health problems, I will have to have a third surgery on my stomach at some point, so lots of appts and tests being done. I feel on edge all the time. I don't want to be touched, I just feel gross. It sucks. H is not a snuggly person, and I usually am, but lately he wants to hug me and I do hug him back, but can't bring myself to do anymore."

Ok so here is my two cents. You are having health issue and you have a whole lot on you mind. You dont feel like yourself and for good reason. I am not saying you are right or wrong to have snapped at Hubby but I am sure he understands. From what it sound like he does and is reaching out to you if the affections (hugs) and playfullness (squrt bottle) are more than they have been in the past to help take your mind off your trouble and let you know he is there for you. Sometime us guys just do it differently. So dont be so hard on yourself or you hubby I am sure he feels your pain.

My wife went through surgery for the second time in the last 18 months and I know she was troubled and not feeling herself.


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

SunnyT said:


> Just apologize and tell him it's PMS. Guys always buy that.


:scratchhead:

OR....and just throwing out another alternative.....maybe you just tell the truth. I know it's a bit of a crazy foreign concept for some but hear me out. Maybe saying I'm sorry I over reacted I have a lot on my mind with the medical stuff. Guys generally speaking can be quick to forgive and forget so long as an apology comes with it.


----------



## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Wolf1974 said:


> :scratchhead:
> 
> OR....and just throwing out another alternative.....maybe you just tell the truth. I know it's a bit of a crazy foreign concept for some but hear me out. Maybe saying I'm sorry I over reacted I have a lot on my mind with the medical stuff. Guys generally speaking can be quick to forgive and forget so long as an apology comes with it.


You are right. I was kidding. I don't blame things on PMS, and I don't buy it when other people do (male or female). 

I agree, tell the truth. You shouldn't say "I don't know" when you do know. He is reaching out, trying to understand.... let him. Communication is everything. If you shut him out, it will probably just make both of you feel worse.


----------



## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

SunnyT said:


> You are right. I was kidding. I don't blame things on PMS, and I don't buy it when other people do (male or female).
> 
> I agree, tell the truth. You shouldn't say "I don't know" when you do know. He is reaching out, trying to understand.... let him. Communication is everything. If you shut him out, it will probably just make both of you feel worse.


I don't blame anything on PMS. I said I don't know because I just didn't know what to say. I left for work before he was up, but he did text me, I told him we would talk tonight after he gets home. I am truthful and will be with him. Its hard to explain when you just don't know. He doesn't seem bothered by my outburst, oddly. But I am.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> I think my self esteem blows. I try and try and never feel like its good enough. I feel like H is always breathing down my throat, when maybe he isn't. I feel like I will never look good enough for MYSELF! He loves me, tells me he doesn't care that I have managed to balloon up 80lbs in about 2 years, but I care. I lost 150lbs 6 years ago and told myself I would never be back to where I am now. and here I am, 80lbs heavier and drowning in self pity. It sucks. H has NEVER had an issue with his weight, so he really doesn't understand the struggle I go thru.


Ok so this is about you. 

Low self-esteem? Why? Get to the root of the problem and solve it. 

Unhappy with your weight? 

Diet and exercise. Eat healthy, move your body. 

Also, you sound very frustrated in your post. Be sure you are taking time out to just CALM down. Sometimes life gets overwhelming and we need a breather, a moment of silence for five minutes, an afternoon alone, a book to get lost in, friends to vent to.


----------



## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

SeaStarIn said:


> Ok so here is my two cents. You are having health issue and you have a whole lot on you mind. You dont feel like yourself and for good reason. I am not saying you are right or wrong to have snapped at Hubby but I am sure he understands. From what it sound like he does and is reaching out to you if the affections (hugs) and playfullness (squrt bottle) are more than they have been in the past to help take your mind off your trouble and let you know he is there for you. Sometime us guys just do it differently. So dont be so hard on yourself or you hubby I am sure he feels your pain.
> 
> My wife went through surgery for the second time in the last 18 months and I know she was troubled and not feeling herself.


Thank you for your two cents. I agree with you. I am not myself and had no right to treat him like that, I will talk to him tonight and see if I figure things out.


----------



## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Boy, he sure is putting up with a lot. Being cheated on and getting yelled at for trying to have fun and joke around.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Ok I just skimmed your other threads.

You have anxiety, depression, are taking Paxil, only have sex with your husbance one a month or once every few months, were on a-----y m----n posting profiles and meeting with men and you are unhappy with your weight gain and are frustrated with how you and husband communicate.

Are you even happy? I mean it doesn't sound like it.

Have you considered therapy? It seems like you have a LOT going on.


----------



## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> Ok I just skimmed your other threads.
> 
> You have anxiety, depression, are taking Paxil, only have sex with your husbance one a month or once every few months, were on a-----y m----n posting profiles and meeting with men and you are unhappy with your weight gain and are frustrated with how you and husband communicate.
> 
> ...


I have been off of Paxil now since Dec. My "depression" was not actually as it seemed. I have been to a few specialist's and found out I have some sort of metabolic disorder, I am now on meds for and I have anemia which was causing the excessive tiredness and of course being exhausted 24/7 caused me to be "depressed" I have been on a liquid iron for over 2 months now, and slowly am starting to feel less exhausted. The sex thing, I am ok with right now. H seems to have found his sex drive somewhere along the way. I have been seeing a counselor for around a year. I believe my issues will have to be dealt with in time. I just have to get myself medically better before I am able to deal with my self esteem.

Right now, I cannot honestly say I am happy. There is just so much going on and so little time to deal with it. I work at a front desk where I deal with people all day long. Rude people who think they can talk to me like ****. Anyways, I love my H, and do not want to treat him badly. I have a lot to work on.


----------



## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

vellocet said:


> Boy, he sure is putting up with a lot. Being cheated on and getting yelled at for trying to have fun and joke around.


Thanks for the info. I have not cheated on my husband.


----------



## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> Thanks for the info. I have not cheated on my husband.


Yes, you did, you just don't want to think you did.

People that don't cheat or don't intend on cheating do not sign up for Ash Mad.



imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> So I did something I thought I would never do. I signed up to ****** *******.com (A.M Looks like it blurts it out). I guess I know why I did it, but now that I have done it, I don’t know why. H and I have been married just over 3 years, been together around 5. Things have not been great. Our sex life is pretty well dead (maybe once a month) and I just don’t feel connected to him. So I made an account and started talking to a married man. We talked back and forth for only around a week and met on Wed. We just met at the beach and had coffee, nothing happened but lots of talking. Him and I text each other pretty much all day for the next few days and agreed to meet for lunch on Sat. We had a great time at lunch chatting and getting to know each other. Then once again we got coffee and sat in his car and talked for a few hours. He told me he found me very attractive and wanted to kiss me, I told him no, that I wasn’t ready. Sat night, we went out to the movies, he did kiss me on the cheek and now I just feel ill thinking about it.


You signed up for AM, met a married man from there, he kissed you, doesn't matter if you reciprocated, and I don't believe you didn't.

Regardless of whether you didn't, you DID cheat on your husband. You had physical contact with other man, went out on a date with him, etc. That's cheating.

The day you signed up at AM and agreed to meet another man, you betrayed your husband. End of story


----------



## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

vellocet said:


> imhisbeautifuldisaster said:
> 
> 
> > Thanks for the info. I have not cheated on my husband.
> ...


I understand YOU feel this way. I made a stupid mistake as I said in the other thread you decided you needed to drag this into. Does one mistake make me a horrible person and from now on a terrible wife? I am sorry that you have obviously been cheated on and feel like you need to punish everyone who has even considered it. I live with this choice everyday and do feel terrible about it. If you are here just to put me down, don't bother reading my threads. I don't need anyone else putting me down. I also know what happened and what didn't. Nothing happened! I could have been out with a girlfriend. I did not kiss this man and didn't want too. He did come on to me and I turned him down. I'm sorry you seem to think otherwise

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


----------



## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> I understand YOU feel this way. I made a stupid mistake as I said in the other thread you decided you needed to drag this into.


Because its all part of the big picture of how you treat your husband. You betray him, yell at him for having fun with you, you are in another thread trying to make him look like an ass. 




> Does one mistake make me a horrible person and from now on a terrible wife?


No. But the fact you betrayed him and are badmouthing him in another thread indicates the ongoing contempt and disrespect you have for him. Hell, even here, he is trying to kid around with you. Just putting the big picture out there.




> I am sorry that you have obviously been cheated on and feel like you need to punish everyone who has even considered it.


Nice try. I'm sitting here reading threads from someone who abuses her spouse in more than one way. My first comment in this thread is that your H is putting up with quite a bit, and I venture to guess he doesn't know you signed up for a married dating site and met a man multiple times. Has nothing to do with punishing you. I'm just reacting to your treatment of your H.




> I live with this choice everyday and do feel terrible about it.


Then again, tell him. You obviously don't think you cheated, so surely he will understand, right?




> If you are here just to put me down, don't bother reading my threads. I don't need anyone else putting me down.


Ah, but you can badmouth your H in your "anal" thread though.

And if putting you down is telling the truth, so be it. 

I'm just baffled that after what you did you have the audacity to paint your H as an a$$ (in your other thread).

As far as this thread, seems you feel bad, and that's good. I commend you for at least acknowledging that he doesn't deserve how you are treating him.




> I also know what happened and what didn't. Nothing happened!


Do you know what being unfaithful emotionally means? 

Again, if nothing happened, I'm sure your husband would agree. So tell him. 




> I could have been out with a girlfriend. I did not kiss this man and didn't want too. He did come on to me and I turned him down. I'm sorry you seem to think otherwise


Whether I believe you turned him down is irrelevant. What you did was enough.

So just what was your intention of signing up for Ash Mad? Just to meet married men and talk about the whether?

I don't think there is one person here that can honestly say you didn't betray your husband.

So here it is, I mentioned that your H has put up with a lot, betrayal(cheating) included, you responded that you didn't, I showed where you did.

So that's all I'll say about it in this thread.


----------



## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

vellocet said:


> Because its all part of the big picture of how you treat your husband. You betray him, yell at him for having fun with you, you are in another thread trying to make him look like an ass.
> 
> *So since I "cheated" on my H, that means he has a right to treat me like **** when he choses to? I don't think so. I came here to be able to talk with others about things, about him and myself. That is what this forum is for is it not? I KNOW what I did was wrong, but I do not need it being brought up in every thread I post. *
> 
> ...


----------



## devotion (Oct 8, 2012)

Since the threads did merge to be clear you DID cheat on your husband by going out on a date with another man. A lot of people talk about 'emotional affairs' and you had that, for sure. The kiss may make it PA but that's really not important. 

If you believe you did wrong, did you fess up to your husband about what you did? Are you taking steps to resolve the issues that led you to it? 

I ask because my ex-wife went down a similar path due to weight loss -- she felt I wasn't giving her the attention she desires, started getting it from other men online, and that progressed till the whole thing ended with her cheating. 

If you don't want to go down that route then you have to stop it now, come clean, and seek therapy or counseling. 

Just my two cents.


----------



## ariel_angel77 (May 23, 2014)

You went to AshMad-a site with the slogan "life's short, have an affair"?? You created a profile and even had a date with a guy on there, and you think you didn't have an affair?? :wtf:

First off, what he did is **NOT** treating you like ****. You are being delusional. HE is the one being treated badly here, NOT you. You're not telling him how you feel, blowing up at him, minimizing your affair. He deserves better.

I mean this in a very literal sense, but you need some Jesus.


----------



## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

devotion said:


> Since the threads did merge to be clear you DID cheat on your husband by going out on a date with another man. A lot of people talk about 'emotional affairs' and you had that, for sure. The kiss may make it PA but that's really not important.
> 
> If you believe you did wrong, did you fess up to your husband about what you did? Are you taking steps to resolve the issues that led you to it?
> 
> ...


Yes I did tell my H. Him and I talked about what happened in great length and I let him know I deleted the account. Him and I saw my counselor a few times about this and things have been fine. This happened back in October or Nov I believe and has not been brought up for months. H was very hurt and upset the I went and did this. But we were able to work through it. We both want to be together and he knows how much I regret what I did. Yes I made the stupid account, Yes I went and had a "date" with a married man, I get it. I am seeking help, this is why I made this thread. I didn't realize I would be getting ripped apart about "cheating". Everyone on this forum is here for a reason, we are not all perfect. We have all made mistakes.


----------



## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

ariel_angel77 said:


> but you need some Jesus.


This is laughable. Give me a break.


----------



## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> So since I "cheated" on my H, that means he has a right to treat me like **** when he choses to? I don't think so.


I don't think so either, if he is truly treating you like shyte.

But in this thread that clearly isn't the case. He is trying to have a little fun with you.

And in your other thread about him being "anal", please, nothing you indicated in that is anywhere close to being as despicable as what you did.




> Again, since you felt the need to drag this to 2 separate threads, I already told you, I did tell him.


And he was ok with you fishing for other men?

And again, the issue I brought up was simply that he is dealing with a lot, someone who yells at him for joking around, attempting to make HIM look like an ass, and being cheated on. Just stating the fact that he is putting up with a lot.




> I am going to assume you read that thread then and think my H did nothing wrong?


Not at all. But after what you did, it pales in comparison. Its the fact that you would join a married dating site, meet with a man several times, but then come here and try to make him look like an a$$. 




> If so, I am sorry but we are just not going to agree with each other. H and I are not perfect, not to each other and not out in the world. We both make mistakes we have to live with. I am living with mine.



Yes, but many here will see your "mistake", even though you consciously and actively sought out other men, as a much bigger "mistake" than him being "anal" and getting a little pissy over stuff.



> Yes, and I understand what I did was wrong, for the thousandth time.


Good, then you recognize that you did cheat. So stop saying you didn't.




> I also understand this. It was nice to talk with someone who was going thru some of the same things I was. Him and I had different agenda's though.


Bullshyte. You didn't sign up for AM just to talk to other people in similar circumstances. That's what sites like this are for.

AM is an affair hookup site and you know it. We aren't fooled here.




> I don't really know why I did it as I said in that thread.


Bull again, you know why you did it. Its plastered all over their site and advertisements about life being "too short, have an affair". Unless you were on drugs, everyone that goes to that site or sees their ads knows what that site is about.


----------



## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> I didn't realize I would be getting ripped apart about "cheating".


It all started with me simply stating your husband has put up with a lot, that includes the cheating, and you tried to deny that you cheated.

Just own it and realize that after what you have done you need to cut him some slack. 

So as far as your thread/topic here, I'd have to ask what is wrong with you too. He was joking around with you. And the fact that you lambasted him really isn't the biggest problem actually. The biggest problem is you knew he was trying to play around with you, you wanted to smile because you thought it was funny obviously, but something in you preferred to lash out.

That is what you need to figure out. Why you have so much contempt for him that he has had to put up with so much.

Maybe you need back on meds? I'm not saying that as a put down. Perhaps you need to see a doctor for bi-polar or depression again.


----------



## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> This is laughable. Give me a break.


She's saying you need some spiritual guidance. Now if the laughable part is that you are not a "believer", then point taken.


----------



## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

I don't know about any of the other stuff, but it seems like you have a lot of things going on that are basically going to make you raw. Not feeling good and not feeling good about yourself...and if there are any nutrition issues from your stomach problems...I assume is going to result in a general unwellness.

First, I would be looking at diet, if you are in a carb/sugar crash cycle. Next, I would look at sleep habits, next I would look into environmental stress-triggers.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'm wondering if the resentments and frustrations (on both sides, and before and after the cheating) have been fully dealt with. Or if they're still causing issues in grumpy/"anal"/irrational anger type of actions. A couple of therapy sessions aren't going to fix a really broken relationship. All that usually gets you is a big ol' rug sweeping, where things will continue to fester. 

Just my $0.02...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

vellocet said:


> So as far as your thread/topic here, I'd have to ask what is wrong with you too. He was joking around with you. And the fact that you lambasted him really isn't the biggest problem actually. The biggest problem is you knew he was trying to play around with you, you wanted to smile because you thought it was funny obviously, but something in you preferred to lash out.
> 
> *I agree with this. I have no clue why I did lash out at him, we tend to do this to each other a lot, but not to anywhere near this extent.*
> 
> ...


----------



## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

PBear said:


> I'm wondering if the resentments and frustrations (on both sides, and before and after the cheating) have been fully dealt with. Or if they're still causing issues in grumpy/"anal"/irrational anger type of actions. A couple of therapy sessions aren't going to fix a really broken relationship. All that usually gets you is a big ol' rug sweeping, where things will continue to fester.
> 
> Just my $0.02...
> 
> ...


I have to agree with you. I think we are going to need to seek someone but don't know if we can. We were seeing a free counselor thru catholic family services. We are not in a situation where we can afford to pay someone hundreds of dollars for counseling. I have tried buying books for us to read, but H is not a reader. Maybe I will have to read them myself and see what I get out of them. I know we need to spend more time together just being together. Thank you for the advise


----------



## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

FormerSelf said:


> I don't know about any of the other stuff, but it seems like you have a lot of things going on that are basically going to make you raw. Not feeling good and not feeling good about yourself...and if there are any nutrition issues from your stomach problems...I assume is going to result in a general unwellness.
> 
> First, I would be looking at diet, if you are in a carb/sugar crash cycle. Next, I would look at sleep habits, next I would look into environmental stress-triggers.


Thanks for the info. I will look into these things and see what I can find out. I know with the stomach surgeries I have had, I am not able to eat a whole lot. I tend to feel light headed a lot which was going on last night, as I hadn't had much for dinner.


----------



## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> I don't believe I need any sort of meds. I grew up with a very angry mother and think I took some of that with me. I do not want to treat my children to be or my H this way. This is why I made this thread, looking for some help.


The only thing I can think of is to talk to your therapist, tell him/her that you knew your H was trying to joke around and have fun with you, and you too wanted to laugh, but preferred to yell at him. See what he/she has to say about it.

I only mention the meds because you said you were on meds before and depressed.


----------



## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

Have you seen the movie "Titanic" recently? Or maybe "The Poisseiden Adventure"

Some people hate being teased...is that you?


----------



## Sunburn (Jul 9, 2012)

Spontaneous Playful Fun has left the building!


----------



## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

murphy5 said:


> Have you seen the movie "Titanic" recently? Or maybe "The Poisseiden Adventure"
> 
> Some people hate being teased...is that you?


Um, I don't think so. I don't know why I reacted the way I did. I hate being tickled, but luckly he doesn't try that. That's an anxiety thing.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


----------



## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

Wow. AshMad, huh? That took cojones...

Remind me to research posting histories....

You wanna know why people are so hooked up on that one single fact, more than anything eels you've posted? Lack of character.

Yes, you apologized. Yes your husband knows. Yes you're tired of talking about it. Yes, you say you were wrong.

The thing is, you failed to mention any of your past posts. You made it seem your temper was an isolated incident and needed help in resolving one particular issue. When your past comes to light, now, all of a sudden, you don't think that matters on how and why last night's blow up occurred.

What bothers me, is that site caters specifically to the married individual. You just didn't want to cheat, you wanted to make some other wife's marriage a living hell. 

Ever thought of that?


----------



## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

I am sorry you over reacted to your husbands attempt at fun. It is only fun if both parties want to participate. I can understand over reacting. I have PTSD and I have been in that same situation before. I have flipped out and told my H, "Don't touch me, I hate you." It hurt him very much and it hurt me even more I do believe. That was a year or so ago and I still feel badly for him over my reaction. At the time I was dealing with PTSD (more of the combative PTSD variety) Sometimes I can't be touched during arguments or when I am upset. Those kind of things do sneek up on you somehow and you react and have little control over it. 

Do you have PTSD of some sort. You said your mother was kind of mean. Being forced to have someone do something to you that you do not want could easily be a trigger. If you asked them to stop and they don't. Just something to think about. 

For the record my PTSD seldom kicks in, but at the time I was dealing with serious issues in T. My reaction was based largely on what we had been talking about in Trauma T. 

Keep us updated on how that conversation goes with the Hubby. 

I understand $ is tight. I think of T this way.... You spend $1000 on a week of vacation, why not spend a $1000 on T instead. Vacation for a week or marriage T that will serve you well for a life time.


----------



## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

Revamped said:


> Wow. AshMad, huh? That took cojones...
> 
> Remind me to research posting histories....
> 
> ...


I actually did not think about that. I didn't fail to mention my past posts, I didn't think I had to rehash every post I have ever posted to get some advise. I was very shaken up last night and that is the reason I posted. I was looking for advise and to see how other people would have reacted, as I said, not to get put down and thrown under the bus for the ONE mistake I made when going out with this married man. I did not say it didn't matter, I said it was in the past. I thought moving forward from it was a good thing, for both of us. Apparently some people here have to live in the past. I want to look ahead and have a future with H and go forward, he wants the same thing.


----------



## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

Big Mama said:


> I am sorry you over reacted to your husbands attempt at fun. It is only fun if both parties want to participate. I can understand over reacting. I have PTSD and I have been in that same situation before. I have flipped out and told my H, "Don't touch me, I hate you." It hurt him very much and it hurt me even more I do believe. That was a year or so ago and I still feel badly for him over my reaction. At the time I was dealing with PTSD (more of the combative PTSD variety) Sometimes I can't be touched during arguments or when I am upset. Those kind of things do sneek up on you somehow and you react and have little control over it.
> 
> Do you have PTSD of some sort. You said your mother was kind of mean. Being forced to have someone do something to you that you do not want could easily be a trigger. If you asked them to stop and they don't. Just something to think about.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your reply. I really have no memory of most of my childhood once My parents divorced, I was 6. I do remember my mom screaming at my older brother to get out of bed in the mornings when we were both in High school. I would hear her hitting him and yelling at him 2 floors up. My brother has practically no memories of his childhood either, and luckily no memory of what I just said. I remember My Mom being a yeller and having like no patience but I was not the easiest teenager, very lazy and just didn't give a ****. I am waiting to see a psychologist, see if we can pull out some of my memories from my childhood. We lived beside an elderly man who we found out years later, had molested kids in our area, my mom (jokingly) said "You and your brother used to visit him all the time and go in his motor home." My heart dropped. I didn't know what to say to that. I wish I could remember, but at the same time, I don't know if I want too.


----------



## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

You're not "getting" it. Your anger and spite is very resounding. Back then, it was an unknown face. Last night, it was your husband.

This isn't about going on a website. This is about the need to feel power against an unknown force. You keep fighting because something is unresolved from your past. It culminated into a simple squirt of water made you melt down.

Find the source, find peace.

Wow, cross posted. I think this is your source...


----------



## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

Wow. I hope you find the answers you are looking for. I have a history of CSA (child sexual abuse) and I only have bits and pieces of memories. I know my families history of sexual abuse, I don't know why I would be exempt. I have remembered enough to be pretty sure something did in deed happen. I told the T It didn't really matter now who or what, what mattered is why I am the way I am and being able to get past that and move on. 

Best of luck to you.


----------



## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

If you body is going through surgeries and you are not getting the nutrients you require, you are just not going to have healthy reactions/emotions. We really are what we eat. 

I'm not saying this is an excuse for poor behaviour; this is a reason to look for ways to be as healthy as possible given your situation. 

A healthy body will give you a chance at a healthy mind. While your body is healing, you could work on finding methods to help deal with the stress, like meditation etc. 

If you think this is rubbish, that's your decision, but I would therefore doubt your commitment to raising your children to the best of your ability and having a great marriage.


----------



## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

Big Mama said:


> Wow. I hope you find the answers you are looking for. I have a history of CSA (child sexual abuse) and I only have bits and pieces of memories. I know my families history of sexual abuse, I don't know why I would be exempt. I have remembered enough to be pretty sure something did in deed happen. I told the T It didn't really matter now who or what, what mattered is why I am the way I am and being able to get past that and move on.
> 
> Best of luck to you.


Thank you very much. I'm really hoping once I find the right T I will be able to work through what's going on in my head. I also have bits a pieces of memories. Can't really put much together till after I moved at 11 years old. I'm sorry you had to go through that and thanks again for you input.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


----------



## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

breeze said:


> If you body is going through surgeries and you are not getting the nutrients you require, you are just not going to have healthy reactions/emotions. We really are what we eat.
> 
> I'm not saying this is an excuse for poor behaviour; this is a reason to look for ways to be as healthy as possible given your situation.
> 
> ...


I don't think this is rubbish at all. I don't want my future children to have the struggles I go thru. I want to give them better then what I had and teach them about nutrition. I will be able to see a nutritionist and dietician once I have by surgery so I am looking forward to feeling more like myself again. 

Thanks for your input also.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


----------

