# One Year Post D-Day



## gijeffro (Dec 13, 2012)

I've lurked on this website for over a year. This is my first time posting. Actually, it's my second. My WW found out about the first post and wanted me to take it down. Even though it was anonymous, I respected her rights. That was a year ago. D Day was Oct 30th, 2012. Halloween with my children is forever tainted. Around that time, I found out about my wife's physical affair with a mutual friend. It was serious enough that she was going to divorce me for him. 

This website, and the people on it, have been crucial in helping me cope with what occurred. I finally feel like I'm back to feeling "normal". I've been to individual counseling, couple counseling, and been on and off of anti-depressants. This website was the best tool out of all of them to cope. It's important to see that you're not alone when dealing with something this difficult.

I consider mine to be a success story. I'm still married, get to see my two children everyday, and everyone is reasonably happy. But it took a lot of work from all involved to make that happen.

I've learned an important lesson through this. Trust your instincts. Rarely is mine dead wrong. I felt from the beginning that the eventual AP was bad news, I was right. I felt from the beginning that some of her friends were toxic, boy was I right. As soon as she asked for a divorce, I felt like she had given her heart to someone else. 100% Correct.

I was fortunate that my WW was not smart about her cheating. I proved my case by cell records, Find my Iphone, and reading emails. I never needed to deploy voice recorders like some others. I will use them in the future if my gut tells me something is amiss.

In my case, the snooping and proof was necessary. You will never break "the fog" without it. With proof, showing my better side, and some 180 methods I was able to break "the fog" and get my wife back. The proof ended the argument about the existence of an affair. Showing my better side proved that I was the better option. And using the 180 finally brought out her remorse when she realized that I wasn't afraid for it to end.

The one year anniversary flashbacks are real. I thought I was all but over it until Halloween rolled around. Then, I had to relive each date again, retracing footsteps in time. I got through it and feel normal again. I would guess that those feelings decrease over time. My wife wasn't terribly sympathetic with the D-Day anniversary. She felt like I was pining for attention. I can understand that to a point. 

I feel like we can make this work in the long run. That said, I am forever changed. I am stronger now than I have ever been emotionally. I will not be afraid to let go if there is a next time. I don't watch her like a hawk, but I am constantly aware of the possibility of a serial cheater. That's the type of thing that someone that's never been through this will never look for. I will never trust blindly again. That blissful ignorance is gone forever I'm afraid. But I will fight harder for what I do have. 

This success was not built by me alone. My wife has done everything that she can do as well. She has shown remorse and love. Not remorse for getting caught, genuine remorse for the pain that she caused this family. Remorse for choosing immediate gratification over the safety and security of a family. That remorse is necessary to provide the motivation for me to continue on with this marriage. To show that the work that is put in now won't be wasted in the future. 

This is a success story. I've seen few of those lately. I thought I'd share mine. I plan on commenting more in the future. Happy New Year to everyone!!


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Good story. I would just say that she should be more sensitive to those triggers.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

That's great news, OP. R is hard work for both sides, but from the BS viewpoint it's the hardest. Sure, things have changed. With time maybe they will even be better than they might have without the pain. We just wish we had the option to choose, but that day came and went. 

Good luck and God bless.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

Your story isn't over yet, you are still technically "new" if your d-day was just a year ago. 

I've been in R for over 3 years now and it still bothers me sometimes. I wonder if you have gotten to the anger stage yet, took me over a year to get there myself and even then it was after having an accident that never would have occurred had the affair never happened.

Any case as long as you are ready to cut bait at a moments notice the second she does anything disrespectful you should be fine. You are doing her a favor by not divorcing her, not the other way around.


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

gijeffro said:


> ' My wife wasn't terribly sympathetic with the D-Day anniversary. She felt like I was pining for attention. I can understand that to a point.



Reading that part made me say "F-her!" You arent looking for attention and the only point was that she didnt want to hear it for HER sake. If my wife has this attitude on the anniversary of my dday, yeah, we are going to have a problem.


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## 2yearsago (Jun 28, 2013)

ArmyofJuan said:


> I've been in R for over 3 years now and it still bothers me sometimes. I wonder if you have gotten to the anger stage yet, took me over a year to get there myself and even then it was after having an accident that never would have occurred had the affair never happened.


Dude this is right on. I was in denial for over a year(rug sweeping that I allowed). I didn't even do any research into affairs until 2 years after it happened. My anger was highest in the 2nd year.

It's been 3 years since the affair started. It was off and on for 8 months because I never had the sack to stamp it out or leave. Now in the last 6 months I've given it one more try and decided finally I won't ever get past it and WW is an unhappy person that the affair was a symptom of. That plus the fact I found out 2 months ago they were still emailing from time to time.

Sometimes I wonder how could I have continued for 3 years post affair but I know inside I couldn't walk away without giving everything I had to save the 20 year marriage with 2 daughters.


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## BashfulB (Jul 1, 2013)

gijeffro said:


> The one year anniversary flashbacks are real. I thought I was all but over it until Halloween rolled around. Then, I had to relive each date again, retracing footsteps in time. I got through it and feel normal again. I would guess that those feelings decrease over time. *My wife wasn't terribly sympathetic with the D-Day anniversary. She felt like I was pining for attention. I can understand that to a point. *
> 
> 
> This success was not built by me alone. My wife has done everything that she can do as well. *She has shown remorse and love. *Not remorse for getting caught, genuine remorse for the pain that she caused this family. Remorse for choosing immediate gratification over the safety and security of a family. That remorse is necessary to provide the motivation for me to continue on with this marriage. To show that the work that is put in now won't be wasted in the future.


Those two quotes I highlighted are mutually contradictory.

How is she displaying remorse when she disreards your feelings about the one year anniversary? 

You better step back and look again at what you wrote.


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## BashfulB (Jul 1, 2013)

hawx20 said:


> Reading that part made me say "F-her!" You arent looking for attention and the only point was that she didnt want to hear it for HER sake. If my wife has this attitude on the anniversary of my dday, yeah, we are going to have a problem.


:iagree:


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## Twistedheart (May 17, 2010)

Ya still way too early and she is showing some signs of no remorse. Is she sorry for what she did or sorry for getting caught? Sleep with one eye open young Jedi. This saga isn't near over. I tried the big R for three and a half years. She moved out 4 months ago and I filed 4 weeks ago. Good luck though!


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Allow me a few questions...

What's her reason for staying? She already had another man lined up and ready to move on. What reason did she give for staying?

What reason did she give for having an affair?

How do you address your mind movies? 

What your reason for staying with the marriage? Are you doing it for the kids?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

BashfulBull said:


> Those two quotes I highlighted are mutually contradictory.
> 
> How is she displaying remorse when she disreards your feelings about the one year anniversary?
> 
> You better step back and look again at what you wrote.


Sometimes people can hold mutually contradictory ideas.


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## bartendersfriend (Oct 14, 2013)

gijeffro said:


> This is a success story. I've seen few of those lately. I thought I'd share mine. I plan on commenting more in the future. Happy New Year to everyone!!


Thanks for posting. It is good to see the people that are working through it and feeling happier again. I am only 3 1/2 months past DDay and currently trying to R. I can only hope that 9 months from now I feel confident enough to call it a success. I feel more likely that it is going to take me a decade to call my R a success... if we get there!


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

gijeffro said:


> I've lurked on this website for over a year. This is my first time posting. Actually, it's my second. My WW found out about the first post and wanted me to take it down. Even though it was anonymous, I respected her rights. That was a year ago. D Day was Oct 30th, 2012. Halloween with my children is forever tainted. Around that time, I found out about my wife's physical affair with a mutual friend. It was serious enough that she was going to divorce me for him.
> 
> This website, and the people on it, have been crucial in helping me cope with what occurred. I finally feel like I'm back to feeling "normal". I've been to individual counseling, couple counseling, and been on and off of anti-depressants. This website was the best tool out of all of them to cope. It's important to see that you're not alone when dealing with something this difficult.
> 
> ...


I hear experts say 2-5 years.. I also often hear them say everyone is different and you need to heal at your own pace. I'm a few months out from a year to dday.. If I heard this, I would consider it a red flag and it would trigger me even more.. I expect comfort, reassurance, understanding and all the things you're giving by being in R and giving her a second chance.. if she thinks you're just grabbing for attention, perhaps she doesn't really understand the magnitude of the pain her betrayal has caused you. She's questioning your sincerity, suggesting that you aren't being honest about your feelings. Implying that you are trying to play with her emotions for your own personal gain instead of just dealing with triggers caused by her actions. She might not grasp the concept of how a date, and occasions like Halloween can bring on triggers that are more painful than usual. You may have shared special moments on Halloween, that now after the affair, you feel were special to you only, and it hurts to think they weren't as special to her.. not special enough for her to cheat. I also say f her... This is a form of gas lighting, basically making you feel as though you're doing something wrong by feeling the way you're feeling. Not sure what you understand, that she's not sympathetic and kind of cold to your triggers? She flipped it on you, now you're the bad guy for feeling pain... hopefully she won't start telling people about what a jerk you are for doing this to her, and she won't find a man friend to cry on his shoulder about how selfish you are being..


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

bartendersfriend said:


> Thanks for posting. It is good to see the people that are working through it and feeling happier again. I am only 3 1/2 months past DDay and currently trying to R. I can only hope that 9 months from now I feel confident enough to call it a success. I feel more likely that it is going to take me a decade to call my R a success... if we get there!


Don't let your wife tell you it's taking too long for you to heal, or that you're just grabbing for attention if in 9 months you don't feel like you're 'back to normal'... It's not a switch that gets flipped as soon as they say they're sorry.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Even mundane, ordinary things can cause triggers. Dates, names, towns, all sorts of things.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> Sometimes people can hold mutually contradictory ideas.


Yes and no. Just saying.


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## gijeffro (Dec 13, 2012)

aug said:


> Allow me a few questions...
> 
> What's her reason for staying? She already had another man lined up and ready to move on. What reason did she give for staying?
> 
> ...


Q1: After the fog broke she realized that she had made me out to be a villain and OM as a prince. OM played a part in that brainwashing too. Time away from him helped her realize that wasn't the case, and that this wasn't going to be a simple 1 for 1 trade. She had it made up in her mind that I was just going to let him replace me and I'd foot the bill. Not going to happen. 

Q2: That she wasn't happy. That I wasn't giving her enough attention. Both situations have improved since, but she realizes that these aren't valid reasons for an affair. There isn't a valid reason.

Q3: I initially stayed for the kids. It was a selfish move on my part. I say selfish because this is a no fault state and I'm the sole bread winner. My outlook wasn't good. I could either stay and give everything I have toward reconciliation, or back off and have another man move in while I foot the bill for child support and alimony and see them every other weekend. That wasn't acceptable to me. To me, there was no real choice thanks to marriage 2.0 If I had no kids, I probably wouldn't have reconciled. They say don't stay for the kids, but that's in a book. This is the real world.


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## gijeffro (Dec 13, 2012)

BashfulBull said:


> Those two quotes I highlighted are mutually contradictory.
> 
> How is she displaying remorse when she disreards your feelings about the one year anniversary?
> 
> You better step back and look again at what you wrote.


This was the first anniversary for both of us. We were both taken by surprise by my reaction to it. There was a break of probably 3 months that I had no major triggers prior to this. There was probably a bit of frustration that major triggers were resurfacing. She was remorseful once I explained what was going on with me. How I was reliving those dates again.


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## gijeffro (Dec 13, 2012)

ArmyofJuan said:


> Your story isn't over yet, you are still technically "new" if your d-day was just a year ago.
> 
> I've been in R for over 3 years now and it still bothers me sometimes. I wonder if you have gotten to the anger stage yet, took me over a year to get there myself and even then it was after having an accident that never would have occurred had the affair never happened.
> 
> Any case as long as you are ready to cut bait at a moments notice the second she does anything disrespectful you should be fine. You are doing her a favor by not divorcing her, not the other way around.


I was in IC for months afterwards. At first, I was afraid of telling the counselor my true feelings. After getting comfortable, I talked to him about my anger. I told him how I was so angry with both WW and OM. I didn't want to hurt them, I wanted to remove them from the earth. I was afraid to tell him that. His response was that it was a normal reaction to a terrible situation. There's a difference between a fantasy in your mind and carrying it out with no regard to the consequences. I was relieved that my extreme anger was validated as a normal reaction. To answer your question, I have anger covered. I feel like I'm getting to the downhill side of resentment now. That's a tough one.


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## gijeffro (Dec 13, 2012)

aug said:


> How do you address your mind movies?


Sorry, I overlooked this question initially.

I had horrific mind movies for months afterwards. Sometimes they were triggered, sometimes random. It only happened once during sex in the early stages, that wasn't fun. What helped me was questioning (interrogating?) her about the timeline. I explained to her that my mind was making up these movies....and they were real....real....bad. I say interrogating because I would ask her the same questions about the same time frames. I didn't do this because I had forgotten, I did this to see if her story changed. Sometimes it did, and I would build from there. Eventually, I had built a scenario in my head of every known meetup between the two, and the mind movies became less severe and less common. Do I know everything that happened? Almost certainly not, but I do know that what transpired wasn't as bad as what I had made up in my head. I've got an evil imagination!


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

gijeffro said:


> I found out about my wife's physical affair *with a mutual friend*. It was serious enough that she was going to divorce me for him.
> 
> I felt from the beginning that the eventual *AP was bad news*, I was right. I felt from the beginning that some of *her friends were toxic, boy was I right*. As soon as she asked for a divorce, I felt like she had given her heart to someone else. 100% Correct.
> 
> This is a success story. I've seen few of those lately. I thought I'd share mine. I plan on commenting more in the future. Happy New Year to everyone!!


Thanks for posting, we could use more success stories.

What made other man bad news? You mean a gut feeling before you found out about the affair, or how he acted after D-day? Do you have any advice on how to spot these guys, or any particular methods he used to win your wife over? Did he pursue your wife or vice versa? And how did the toxic friends play into it and how did you overcome that? In hindsight, were there any red flags as to the friends being toxic?

It sounds like you had a lot to unravel with a mutual friend, toxic friends, and her being ready to bug out before you even knew about the affair. How long did it take for her to come out of the fog and re-commit to the marriage?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> I found out about my wife's physical affair with a* mutual friend*. It was serious enough that *she was going to divorce me for him.*


I don't think this is a success story..maybe for you wife this is a success story...

Are you sure she wasn't just dumped?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

gijeffro said:


> Q1: After the fog broke she realized that she had made me out to be a villain and OM as a prince. OM played a part in that brainwashing too. Time away from him helped her realize that wasn't the case, and that this wasn't going to be a simple 1 for 1 trade. She had it made up in her mind that I was just going to let him replace me and I'd foot the bill. Not going to happen.
> 
> Q2: That she wasn't happy. That I wasn't giving her enough attention. Both situations have improved since, but she realizes that these aren't valid reasons for an affair. There isn't a valid reason.
> 
> Q3: I initially stayed for the kids. It was a selfish move on my part. I say selfish because this is a no fault state and I'm the sole bread winner. My outlook wasn't good. I could either stay and give everything I have toward reconciliation, or back off and have another man move in while I foot the bill for child support and alimony and see them every other weekend. That wasn't acceptable to me. To me, there was no real choice thanks to marriage 2.0 If I had no kids, I probably wouldn't have reconciled. They say don't stay for the kids, but that's in a book. This is the real world.


this is just sad.

Make her get a job. 

Have her sign a post nup...


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Sometimes people can hold mutually contradictory ideas.


Yes it’s called ambivalence: The simultaneous presence of conflicting emotions.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Thank you for the answers, gijeffro.

I agree with warlock's post above. Tell her she should work and bring in money. She has shown that she has too much time at hand and cant handle it properly.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

OP, Glad you seem to be doing better and I do not intend to rain on your parade.

However, mutual friend was anything but. He was and is not your friend. He may have pretended well, but...

You are still relatively new at the R part. How are you sure she is not up to her old tricks again. She certainly could be expected to hide it better after getting caught.

Also, her lack of empathy towards your triggers is trouble some. I would expect a truly remorseful spouse to process that much better. She clearly does not understand the magnitude of what she has done to you and your marriage.

Best of luck
WD


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Not sure if you are familiar with me but I am one of the people coaching people on the investigation end. Could you answer a few questions? These help me coach people on patterns etc.
approximately

1) Time from meeting 1 to inappropriate?
2) Time from inappropriate to sex?
3) Month and year met him
4) Length of affair
5) Approx number and locations of hookups?
6) Did he get significant sex acts she previoously refused you? (Yes or no dont specifiy what)
7) do you get those sex acts from her now? (yes or no dont specify what.)
8) Primary communication methods
9) How long from looking back first red flag you dismissed until there is something very wrong red flag. Please list the flags that wont identify you specifically.
10) OMs basic method. IE bad boy player, looks player, friending/mystery method player, close friend taking advantage, aquaintance taking advantage etc.
11) Have toxic friends been purged? Are they cheaters also? did they actively help or just not tell you?
12) Were nude pictures taken and have they leaked out en mass to your knowledge? (Yes or no for both questions, no details necessary)


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## Numbersixxx (Oct 10, 2012)

gijeffro said:


> I've lurked on this website for over a year. *This is my first time posting. Actually, it's my second. My WW found out about the first post and wanted me to take it down. Even though it was anonymous, I respected her rights.* That was a year ago. D Day was Oct 30th, 2012. Halloween with my children is forever tainted. Around that time, I found out about my wife's physical affair with a mutual friend. It was serious enough that she was going to divorce me for him.
> 
> This website, and the people on it, have been crucial in helping me cope with what occurred. I finally feel like I'm back to feeling "normal". I've been to individual counseling, couple counseling, and been on and off of anti-depressants. This website was the best tool out of all of them to cope. It's important to see that you're not alone when dealing with something this difficult.
> 
> ...


If she asks you to delete your story again, would you do it?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

aug said:


> Tell her she should work and bring in money. She has shown that she has too much time at hand and cant handle it properly.


:iagree:


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Numbersixxx said:


> If she asks you to delete your story again, would you do it?


:iagree:

Your response should have been right out of American Beauty. *"You don't get to tell me what to do ever again."*

American Beauty Drive Thru Scene Kevin Spacey - YouTube

She's wronged you, not the other way around. And coming here is to help you. Sorry, but telling you to take it down is a sign that she lacks true remorse.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Good luck to you both. I have nothing constructive or helpful to say. I did LOL at you respecting "her rights" when she trampled all over yours.


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## FlyingThePhoenix (Apr 11, 2013)

Hello gijeffro,

If D-Day is 1 year ago and that was Marriage 1.0 (Oct 2012), then your anniversary is 1 year on (Oct 2013) then this is Marriage 1.1! NOT Marriage 2.0! If she has an “On/Off” switch to her emotions of the pain she has caused you and the family, then she still has some measure control over your marriage and more importantly you. Your posts and other answers tell me you are now her “security blanket”. She weighed up the pros and cons of staying with you and the OM. *You won, or did you?*

I'm sorry, but I've read your posts a number of times and your words are painting this picture for me.

However we all different and if you feel she has shown you through words and actions of true guilt and remorse, well then, you have the right to call it Marriage 2.0.


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

gijeffro said:


> Q1: After the fog broke she realized that she had made me out to be a villain and OM as a prince. OM played a part in that brainwashing too. Time away from him helped her realize that wasn't the case, and that this wasn't going to be a simple 1 for 1 trade. She had it made up in her mind that I was just going to let him replace me and I'd foot the bill. Not going to happen.
> 
> Q2: That she wasn't happy. That I wasn't giving her enough attention. Both situations have improved since, but she realizes that these aren't valid reasons for an affair. There isn't a valid reason.
> 
> Q3: I initially stayed for the kids. It was a selfish move on my part. I say selfish because this is a no fault state and I'm the sole bread winner. My outlook wasn't good. I could either stay and give everything I have toward reconciliation, or back off and have another man move in while I foot the bill for child support and alimony and see them every other weekend. That wasn't acceptable to me. To me, there was no real choice thanks to marriage 2.0 If I had no kids, I probably wouldn't have reconciled. They say don't stay for the kids, but that's in a book. This is the real world.


Nothing good comes from acting out of weakness.

To be clear for others who are in the same boat or think they are.

50-50 custody is very common. She would in most cases need to show that you are not a good father not to get it or it is in the best interest of the children.

Also you can and should ban will WW from your children from having them with another man. That too is very common as well.

Even in no fault states there can be circumstances that impact alimony. 

The key is to get a good attorney.


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## WalterWhite420 (Dec 27, 2013)

hawx20 said:


> Reading that part made me say "F-her!" You arent looking for attention and the only point was that she didnt want to hear it for HER sake. If my wife has this attitude on the anniversary of my dday, yeah, we are going to have a problem.


I agree with hawx...that would bother me tremendously...then again, I'm not one to R...just not in my personality.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Okay, this has bugged me all day.


> OM played a part in that brainwashing too.


He was a yes man, if anything, on this specific point. She brainwashed herself. Go talk to an individual counselor because you are giving her way too many excuses. For your R to be successful, you need a good strategy. Allowing her to excuse her actions, after the fact, isn't helpful and will build up resentment.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

larry.gray said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Your response should have been right out of American Beauty. *"You don't get to tell me what to do ever again."*
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Talk about rugsweeping. And the lack of empathy when he triggered on the antiversary too smacks of "get over it already". I dont see true remorse here either.

I see rugsweeping on both sides here.


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## gijeffro (Dec 13, 2012)

weightlifter said:


> Not sure if you are familiar with me but I am one of the people coaching people on the investigation end. Could you answer a few questions? These help me coach people on patterns etc.
> approximately
> 
> 1) Time from meeting 1 to inappropriate?
> ...


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## gijeffro (Dec 13, 2012)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Okay, this has bugged me all day.
> He was a yes man, if anything, on this specific point. She brainwashed herself. Go talk to an individual counselor because you are giving her way too many excuses. For your R to be successful, you need a good strategy. Allowing her to excuse her actions, after the fact, isn't helpful and will build up resentment.


You make a lot of determination out of one sentence that I wrote. I played this all wrong in the beginning stages Post D-Day, I'll admit that. In the beginning, I was a crying and begging mess. But everyone involved has been to counseling and I am a different man now. I have much more backbone. I have told her on numerous occasions that I am not the same person that begged her to come back. That I am not afraid of ending this if I see that it's a lost cause. I accept my part in the marital issues, but accept zero responsibility in the affair. That was 100% her choice, and I've told her that. I've told her that I want a better wife, and in return will give her a better husband. And that if it goes back to the old marriage, I'm not afraid to walk anymore. Even if that means not seeing my kids and living in a closet. She knows I'm serious.


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## gijeffro (Dec 13, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> this is just sad.
> 
> Make her get a job.
> 
> Have her sign a post nup...


She's had jobs. She had a job at the beginning of the school year. It was mostly my decision for her to quit. We have a 2 and a 5 year old. They're in part time preschool, but her working full-time right now just adds stress to the family. When the oldest goes to Kindergarten next year, school that I don't have to pay for, I expect her to go back to work full-time. Right now, her working full-time only pays for full-time daycare. We have no family in the area. She isn't refusing to work though, I should have wrote that differently.


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## gijeffro (Dec 13, 2012)

FlyingThePhoenix said:


> Hello gijeffro,
> 
> If D-Day is 1 year ago and that was Marriage 1.0 (Oct 2012), then your anniversary is 1 year on (Oct 2013) then this is Marriage 1.1! NOT Marriage 2.0! If she has an “On/Off” switch to her emotions of the pain she has caused you and the family, then she still has some measure control over your marriage and more importantly you. Your posts and other answers tell me you are now her “security blanket”. She weighed up the pros and cons of staying with you and the OM. *You won, or did you?*
> 
> ...


When I say marriage 2.0, I'm referring to the marital laws in most states in the US, not our marriage rebooted. For example, if this was the 1950s, the WS would've been punished in the courtroom for their infidelity. That was marriage 1.0. A true marriage where the law backs up the marriage and is pro marriage. With the rise of no fault divorce, promises are made between two people with no backup from the law. Infidelity is not enforced and is even rewarded. Marriage 2.0.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Thank you. Brief follow ups based on being close friend.

Did she indicate whether he had been pursuing her since what point? IE she shot him down for (x time) then one day he escalates and she lets it happen. (Common pattern I see)

Was he the pursuer or pursued? If pursuer, was his main method friending player 101? IE befriend (already a given)>push boundaries through stages > PA lite > PA full

On question 9 above was that day one of the hookups?

On question 9 above Divorce request. Was she planning to be his perm girlfriend? How did the fog break? Did this happen when you confronted? Brief explanation of going from D to R? As the betrayed, what were your top factors in deciding to try R?

Had you heard he was a cheater before this? Does he come off as creepy/ player at all? (Think BEFORE you knew he screwed your wife)

At your home. Did they use the marital bed? IF yes did you make her replace it? At his home. Did they use marital bed?

Interesting that toxic friend did not play a direct role instead played an indirect one by being a bad example.

Do you live in an alienation of affection state?

Thanks again.
WL


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## gijeffro (Dec 13, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> Thanks for posting, we could use more success stories.
> 
> What made other man bad news? You mean a gut feeling before you found out about the affair, or how he acted after D-day? *The first time that we both met the OM was at a picnic with other families with small children. This guy was with this woman , who eventually became my wife's ultra-toxic friend. He was playing with her kids, and just overall acting like their dad and her husband. I thought that he was her husband. Later, I found out that her husband was deployed overseas and this guy was her "friend". That didn't sit well obviously, but toxic friend swore that it was just a platonic friendship. Sometimes, we'd even see the toxic friend, OM, AND the husband together with their kids. It was very bizzare. I commented to my wife that two people couldn't be that close unless something inappropriate was going on. I eventually convinced myself that OM was gay, but I should've listened to my gut. Something was very wrong here.*
> Do you have any advice on how to spot these guys, or any particular methods he used to win your wife over?
> ...


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

gijeffro said:


> You make a lot of determination out of one sentence that I wrote. I played this all wrong in the beginning stages Post D-Day, I'll admit that. In the beginning, I was a crying and begging mess. But everyone involved has been to counseling and I am a different man now. I have much more backbone. I have told her on numerous occasions that I am not the same person that begged her to come back. That I am not afraid of ending this if I see that it's a lost cause. I accept my part in the marital issues, but accept zero responsibility in the affair. That was 100% her choice, and I've told her that. I've told her that I want a better wife, and in return will give her a better husband. And that if it goes back to the old marriage, I'm not afraid to walk anymore. Even if that means not seeing my kids and living in a closet. She knows I'm serious.


Sounds like you are pretty much where you need to be. Good work. FWIW, pretty much every BS (myself included) does everything wrong immediately post DDay. It takes time to come to the conviction that you are not afraid to end the marriage rather than live with sh!t.


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## gijeffro (Dec 13, 2012)

weightlifter said:


> Thank you. Brief follow ups based on being close friend.
> 
> Did she indicate whether he had been pursuing her since what point? IE she shot him down for (x time) then one day he escalates and she lets it happen. (Common pattern I see)
> *I wondered about this too. She claims no, and I have no evidence to suggest otherwise. During most this time up to the affair, he was pursuing toxic friend instead.*
> ...


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

gijeffro said:


> My wife wasn't terribly sympathetic with the D-Day anniversary. She felt like I was pining for attention.


And what do your instincts tell you about this?


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## gijeffro (Dec 13, 2012)

Healer said:


> And what do your instincts tell you about this?


It doesn't raise a red flag with me. Up until this point, she had done everything right. I hadn't had triggers for months up until D-Day anniversary. Maybe unsympathetic is the incorrect term. She was frustrated with the setback. We had worked hard up until that point, and she probably thought with no triggers for months we were past this. It was a normal, human, reaction. When I explained to her about how I was having to retrace the timeline, and triggering as a result, she understood 100%. We're both new to this, my reaction took me by surprise too. Even though I had read about triggers on the anniversary, I thought somehow I'd be different. Wrong. It hits pretty hard on the anniversary for some reason.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

gijeffro said:


> It doesn't raise a red flag with me. Up until this point, she had done everything right. I hadn't had triggers for months up until D-Day anniversary. Maybe unsympathetic is the incorrect term. She was frustrated with the setback. We had worked hard up until that point, and she probably thought with no triggers for months we were past this. It was a normal, human, reaction. When I explained to her about how I was having to retrace the timeline, and triggering as a result, she understood 100%. We're both new to this, my reaction took me by surprise too. Even though I had read about triggers on the anniversary, I thought somehow I'd be different. Wrong. *It hits pretty hard on the anniversary for some reason.*


Pretty obvious why, don't you think? There will be plenty more, but if you are really on the healing path they will become fewer and of lesser intensity. But neither of you should be under the illusion that all of this will ever disappear completely.


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## gijeffro (Dec 13, 2012)

Philat said:


> Pretty obvious why, don't you think? There will be plenty more, but if you are really on the healing path they will become fewer and of lesser intensity. But neither of you should be under the illusion that all of this will ever disappear completely.


It's obvious in retrospect. I was so busy right up until D-Day that I didn't even reflect on it or prepare. It doesn't help that I have two small kids and D-Day is Halloween. Plenty of distractions there. We will better prepare for that day in the future.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

gijeffro said:


> It's obvious in retrospect. I was so busy right up until D-Day that I didn't even reflect on it or prepare. It doesn't help that I have two small kids and D-Day is Halloween. Plenty of distractions there. We will better prepare for that day in the future.


Well, here's wishing you all the best.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

gijeffro said:


> She looks back now and freaks out that she almost made a horrible decision. She is grateful for me sticking to my guns to break the fog.


She did make a horrible decision. She followed that up with a good decision. 

I loved your taking her to see a movie. Sometimes the BS can't get through, but Holywood can.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

gijeffro said:


> I've lurked on this website for over a year. This is my first time posting. Actually, it's my second. My WW found out about the first post and wanted me to take it down. Even though it was anonymous, I respected her rights. That was a year ago. D Day was Oct 30th, 2012. Halloween with my children is forever tainted. Around that time, I found out about my wife's physical affair with a mutual friend. It was serious enough that she was going to divorce me for him.
> 
> This website, and the people on it, have been crucial in helping me cope with what occurred. I finally feel like I'm back to feeling "normal". I've been to individual counseling, couple counseling, and been on and off of anti-depressants. This website was the best tool out of all of them to cope. It's important to see that you're not alone when dealing with something this difficult.
> 
> ...


Well good luck the rest of the way. I too triggered hard on the one year anniversary of DDay. My wife was not sympathetic either but then again she did not know it was even DDAy until late that night. Probably should have given her the heads up. My DDay was in October 2012 as well.

If you consider your story a success then that's what it is. Don't listen to the people telling you about what your wife isn't doing right. She isn't perfect. No one is. 

I still get the terrible "mind movies" but I just stop and tell myself that I had a choice and I chose to keep my family together because that is what I wanted for me and my two kids. 


All the Best
GP


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## gijeffro (Dec 13, 2012)

GutPunch said:


> Well good luck the rest of the way. I too triggered hard on the one year anniversary of DDay. My wife was not sympathetic either but then again she did not know it was even DDAy until late that night. Probably should have given her the heads up. My DDay was in October 2012 as well.
> 
> If you consider your story a success then that's what it is. Don't listen to the people telling you about what your wife isn't doing right. She isn't perfect. No one is.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your kind words. 

I had horrible mind movies. I had sat down, cross referenced emails, texts, cell records and figured out every meetup that they had. Even meetups that she hadn't admitted to. Trickle Truth they call it. Eventually she admitted to times and places where they met up, but then would claim that they "watched movies" at his place....yeah right. So my mind would make up these horrible porn movies that would play over and over. I told her about that, and she asked how she could help me. I told her that she needed to tell me about each sexual episode so that I'd stop making them up in my mind. She talked to her therapist and kept insisting that she didn't. Her therapist kept telling her that if she went into details about the sex that it would end the marriage because I couldn't deal with it. I think that he underestimated the severity of these mind movies. After a while, she went against the therapists recommendation and started to spill the beans about the sex. Every time I would have a mind movie I'd ask her about that meeting, and she'd fill in the gaps. All of it was hard to hear, some of it was pretty bad, but not nearly as bad as what I had made up in my mind. Us men have filthy imaginations.

Every time she would tell me about an episode, the mind movies got less severe less common. It's been a very long time since I've had a full blown mind movie. This worked for me. If you can handle the truth, it may work for you too.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

gijeffro said:


> Every time she would tell me about an episode, the mind movies got less severe less common. It's been a very long time since I've had a full blown mind movie. This worked for me. If you can handle the truth, it may work for you too.


That would be very difficult, but I do understand the whole "constructed mind movie" concept. Being #2, you start to think of geez, what did that man have in his repertoire that I don't? It musta been good...


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## gijeffro (Dec 13, 2012)

doubletrouble said:


> That would be very difficult, but I do understand the whole "constructed mind movie" concept. *Being #2, you start to think of geez, what did that man have in his repertoire that I don't? It musta been good*...


Exactly. It's tough to hear about the episodes initially. But, over the long run I can look back at the entire affair and see that he wasn't better than me, he was just new. And you can't compete with new. You can try to better yourself all you want, but you'll never be new. I've come to realize and accept that. On her side, she's realized that new isn't better, and everything new eventually becomes old. That's the strongest draw of affairs I think. There's no way to duplicate that feeling you get in a new relationship in an old relationship. That "new relationship" feeling is a drug...ie the fog. And just like a drug, it will definitely wear off.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

gijeffro said:


> Exactly. It's tough to hear about the episodes initially. But, over the long run I can look back at the entire affair and see that he wasn't better than me, he was just new. And you can't compete with new. You can try to better yourself all you want, but you'll never be new. I've come to realize and accept that. On her side, she's realized that new isn't better, and everything new eventually becomes old. That's the strongest draw of affairs I think. There's no way to duplicate that feeling you get in a new relationship in an old relationship. That "new relationship" feeling is a drug...ie the fog. And just like a drug, it will definitely wear off.


My W's OM was her "former" lover. So not new. So yeah, I have real reasons for wondering that. I've eaten a lot of crow, to try to R.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

gijeffro said:


> It doesn't raise a red flag with me. Up until this point, she had done everything right. I hadn't had triggers for months up until D-Day anniversary. Maybe unsympathetic is the incorrect term. She was frustrated with the setback. We had worked hard up until that point, and she probably thought with no triggers for months we were past this. It was a normal, human, reaction. When I explained to her about how I was having to retrace the timeline, and triggering as a result, she understood 100%. We're both new to this, my reaction took me by surprise too. Even though I had read about triggers on the anniversary, I thought somehow I'd be different. Wrong. It hits pretty hard on the anniversary for some reason.


So you and your WW thought you would be over this in a few months? She was frustrated at the setback? Its NOT a setback - *ITS NORMAL TO HAVE TRIGGERS ON CERTAIN DATES*. She should *NOT* have been surprised, and neither should you.

They say that the emotional and psychological trauma caused by the betrayal/affair is on the same level as the death of a loved one, or even worse. They say it takes on average 2-5 years to recover. Sure, you may have triggers less often, but you will still have them. 

If she was truly remorseful, she would expect these, and comfort you through these triggers - NOT be surprised or frustrated that you haven't gotten over it yet. I'm almost four years into R, yet I still trigger on occasion. My own fWW told me that it would take years for me to get over this. I didn't believe her at the time, but its true. So she isn't surprised if I trigger. She knows that her part of the heavy lifting for R.

R is a difficult process that takes years, not a few months. So she was frustrated huh? That shows a lack of empathy. She should have known full well what date was coming and that you might trigger. True remorse is being cognizant and sympathetic to YOUR feelings. But if she didn't know the date was coming, that shows she swept it under the rug herself. 

But I don't expect you to respond to this since you only respond to those posters that you agree with - again rugsweeping.


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## gijeffro (Dec 13, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> So you and your WW thought you would be over this in a few months? She was frustrated at the setback? Its NOT a setback - *ITS NORMAL TO HAVE TRIGGERS ON CERTAIN DATES*. She should *NOT* have been surprised, and neither should you.
> 
> They say that the emotional and psychological trauma caused by the betrayal/affair is on the same level as the death of a loved one, or even worse. They say it takes on average 2-5 years to recover. Sure, you may have triggers less often, but you will still have them.
> 
> ...


I'm replying and I disagree. Just because I'm not constantly berating her for being human doesn't mean that I'm rugsweeping. I berated her plenty in the early days of this mess. I'm not going to live the rest of my life angry. No where in my writing did I state that we were past this. I only implied that we were on the right track. I understand that my story is fresh to you all, and it's emotional. I've had time for the sting to subside. That doesn't mean that I don't care what happened. I just don't want to be angry forever. We've been to counseling together and counseling separately. We've exposed it to everyone that matters. We've had some REAL, nasty, arguments. We've discussed everything. Her mother knows about it and is on my side. That's not rugsweeping. We still have a lot of work to do but we're both committed to making this work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dgtal (Jun 11, 2010)

hawx20 said:


> Reading that part made me say "F-her!" You arent looking for attention and the only point was that she didnt want to hear it for HER sake. If my wife has this attitude on the anniversary of my dday, yeah, we are going to have a problem.


What would be the best, celebrate every f'king dday?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

dgtal said:


> What would be the best, celebrate every f'king dday?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, exactly. There was a poster, I believe Mr. Mathias who made his dday about something he wanted to do and loved doing it. I believe it was flying. Why should you trigger on that day? Why not over-ride that day with a new and better day that you should celebrate because you are living to enjoy life not be triggered by it. That sounds like a great idea to me.

I'm divorced and I don't trigger anymore so what do I know


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## user_zero (Aug 30, 2013)

MovingAhead said:


> Yes, exactly. There was a poster, I believe Mr. Mathias who made his dday about something he wanted to do and loved doing it. I believe it was flying. Why should you trigger on that day? Why not over-ride that day with a new and better day that you should celebrate because you are living to enjoy life not be triggered by it. That sounds like a great idea to me.
> 
> I'm divorced and I don't trigger anymore so what do I know


I think it was "Devastated Dad" not "Mr Mathias".


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

gijeffro said:


> I'm replying and I disagree. Just because I'm not constantly berating her for being human doesn't mean that I'm rugsweeping. I berated her plenty in the early days of this mess. I'm not going to live the rest of my life angry. No where in my writing did I state that we were past this. I only implied that we were on the right track. I understand that my story is fresh to you all, and it's emotional. I've had time for the sting to subside. That doesn't mean that I don't care what happened. I just don't want to be angry forever. We've been to counseling together and counseling separately. We've exposed it to everyone that matters. We've had some REAL, nasty, arguments. We've discussed everything. Her mother knows about it and is on my side. That's not rugsweeping. We still have a lot of work to do but we're both committed to making this work.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Triggering, and letting her know you're triggering is much different than berating her. She shouldn't try to downplay it, by making it sound like you're grabbing for attention.. I think that's the only issue people had with the way you described her reaction. After your subsequent posts, it appears it wasn't as harsh as it originally sounded. This soon after the affair, if you want to still talk about it, you should be able to, that's not the same as rubbing it in her face. You might even apologize for bringing something up, but say "something has been on my mind, and I've been wondering... sorry to bring you back to that place, but I need to put it behind me".. If you're at a place that you no longer need that, than good for you, but if you're not, then I don't see why it'd be a problem to continue to talk about it so soon in the aftermath. In my case, my wife had an affair that lasted 5+ years, so if I need a few months to learn to cope, I would hope she'd understand and not berate me for feeling a bit triggery.. not imply that it's an act, or put on for show.. or for pity etc..


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## davecarter (Aug 15, 2013)

doubletrouble said:


> That would be very difficult, but I do understand the whole "constructed mind movie" concept. Being #2, you start to think of geez, what did that man have in his repertoire that I don't? It musta been good...


...something like that.
My wife's OM had a reputation for being 'big', (which she found out about _before _she started seeing him) and they did stuff that my wife and I didn't (all I can say here is....I found some 'toys' a few months after we separated and at the time and just before of her affair, she was into the '50 Shades Of Grey' mindset which her OM subsequently obliged with)

However, as someone else said, it's also the 'New' that makes a person's mind go into overdrive, sexually...


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Jeeez more buttplugs. LOL before I came here I had no idea what one was. LOL now nothing surprises me and Im head of the CIA here. 

#emote damn my life has taken a wierd turn.

I wonder how many marriages died because of 50 shades.

NOT that it was the entire cause. Think more along the lines it woke up a part of a womans desire where she would not ask that of her husband and sought those adventures out with other men. IE there would have been no affair had the book never been written.

Several threads here on TAM besides you DC.

Oh and Ill bite being the rude pig I am. How did she find out he was big BEFORE she started seeing him?


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