# D-Day is coming...



## hank_rea

I've made threads on the Considering Divorce.., andGoing through Divorce...sections. I've made my way here in under a month. That's how quickly my marriage went away. I go from being blissfully ignorant to completely heartbroken in a matter of weeks. 

I keep hoping for some kind of miracle to turn this whole thing around, but I'd have a better chance of bedding Janet Jackson at this point. My ex is the classic "walkaway wife". I guess what I'm wondering is if any of the women here who drifted away from their spouses ever had any regrets after they went through the divorce process? My wife said that I had neglected her for a long time and it ate away at her love for me until she just couldn't live with me anymore. So, here we are.

I don't know if I'm just looking for some sort of false hope or what. I've prayed on this and sought guidance. Everything is telling me that this is a lost cause but my stubbornness (and probably denial) just won't allow me to give up hope. I am in the beginning stages of the 180, and I realize that this manner of thought is counter-productive to that, but is it so wrong that I want to reconcile with my wife? I just feel like she's "the one". We had so much in common...we are practically the same person. It just doesn't feel like this is over yet.


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## 3Xnocharm

I can only speak for myself here, Hank, and I hate to tell you but I have not had one single moment's regret about ending either of my first two marriages. By the time I worked up the courage to get out, I was SO DONE. There was not a single thing either of them could have said or done to keep me or get me back. 

If reconcilition is what you are hoping for, you need to work on the only thing that you can change, and that is YOU. Being a better version of yourself is no guarantee that she will come back, but it will serve you better as you move forward in your life. Best of luck to you.


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## hank_rea

Yeah....that's what she says. She's done. I guess I just feel it isn't over because she came to the decision so (seemingly) abruptly. She gave me the "ILYBNILWY" on a Saturday, we separated on Wednesday, and she served me divorce papers on Friday. She said that she had been feeling this way for about a year but didn't say anything because she thought it would get better and she didn't want to hurt me. Who really knows how long she has actually had these feelings....


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## Freak On a Leash

hank_rea said:


> Yeah....that's what she says. She's done. I guess I just feel it isn't over because she came to the decision so (seemingly) abruptly. She gave me the "ILYBNILWY" on a Saturday, we separated on Wednesday, and she served me divorce papers on Friday. She said that she had been feeling this way for about a year but didn't say anything because she thought it would get better and she didn't want to hurt me. Who really knows how long she has actually had these feelings....


Sounds like she had these feelings for a long time. Too bad she never bothered to clue you in. Unfortunately, hate to say this, but there could be someone else. 

It took me over two years to finally come to the point emotionally where I could finally WANT a divorce and I'm not missing or regretting it at all. I've never wanted to go back to living with my ex husband. The minute he walked out the door, I was glad not to have him in the house and nothing he did afterwards reassured me and made me want him to come back. At first I was hoping we could perhaps establish a new and better relationship but it soon became apparent that it was never going to happen. We just drifted further apart because of his actions. He even asked to live with me again last year and he got a resounding "no". 

The day of our divorce he mentioned being "Friends with Benefits". I shot THAT down very quickly. I think it surprised him. I'm not going THERE. No way. :nono: I like my freedom and want to keep it, that's not just physically, legally and emotionally as well. 

When you finally make that emotional break from a person you once loved and you are glad about having achieved that there's no hope. If this is what your wife REALLY wants then it's done. 

However, if she's unsure or still attached then there is a chance but the LAST thing you want to do is hang around her and bug her about it. This is where the 180 comes in. YES it's counterintuitive to what YOU want but it's what you need to do for two reasons:

It gives her breathing room and a chance to actually miss you and perhaps realize what she's missing and come to the reality of actually losing you. 

It gives YOU an emotional break and the tools to finally move and establish yourself independently and be able to function without your wife. It prepares you for the very real possibility that you have to move on and lays the groundwork for this. 

So keep it up and try and accept the outcome regardless of what it is. I think that bugging your wife and hanging on will just continue to drive her away. It hasn't worked so why NOT try the 180? The definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over and expect a different result.


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## hank_rea

Thank you. 

And yes, I have started the 180....up until about a week ago, I was pestering her and hounding her with texts (and some of them rather insulting) I just couldn't help myself. I was hurting so badly and I just didn't understand how she could completely turn her back on me so quickly. She wants NOTHING to do with me. Her birthday was April 1 (her 40th birthday) and she instructed me not to text her on that day. Really broke my heart. I did what she asked, though. I have not had any sort of contact with her for the last 4 days. I've even turned off my phone to take away the temptation to text her again. I just miss her so much. It kills me that she doesn't miss me, too.


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## Conrad

hank_rea said:


> Yeah....that's what she says. She's done. I guess I just feel it isn't over because she came to the decision so (seemingly) abruptly. She gave me the "ILYBNILWY" on a Saturday, we separated on Wednesday, and she served me divorce papers on Friday. She said that she had been feeling this way for about a year but didn't say anything because she thought it would get better and she didn't want to hurt me. Who really knows how long she has actually had these feelings....


Likely since she started becoming attracted to posOM.


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## Freak On a Leash

My divorce was April 1. 

Yep..you did the EXACT wrong thing initially and it did nothing but confirm her decision to remove you from her life. Don't do that anymore. Print out copies of the 180 and put it on your fridge and your computer. Put a copy in our pocket or wallet and WHENEVER you get the urge to text her pull it out of your pocket and read it.

Delete her from your contacts altogether. This way by the time you punch out her number hopefully you'll come to your senses and hang up. I hope you don't have her on Facebook. Unfriend her NOW. 

I knew that I was over my ex husband when I could NOT talk to him or think about him for an entire day. That turned into a few days, then a week...It really is a great feeling. You need to work toward that. THAT will impress her most of all but it will help heal YOU as well. 

You've got to train yourself and stick to it. You WILL probably do something and fall off the wagon but you need to get back on! Don't be discourage..we've all been there!

With the 180 you will send a message to her, but more importantly, it will give YOU the skills to cope with this situation and move on and establish yourself as an independent entity and get a life apart from your STB ex. It's important. 

Now's the time to start anew. If you have things you wanted to do, then do it. Join clubs. Meetup.com is good for this. DO NOT join dating sites! You need to break away from your past relationship and be on your own. Don't try and erase the pain of one relationship by engaging in another. It's not fair to you or the other person. 

Do you have kids?


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## Freak On a Leash

Conrad said:


> Likely since she started becoming attracted to posOM.


I tend to agree with this. Better not to know at this point. The OP needs to focus on HIMSELF, not her. What's done is done. 

Problem is, this kind of break up is like losing someone to a sudden death. It's the same thing. There's the denial, and the anger. Eventually acceptance will come but it takes time. Everything happened so fast, all at once so he's still in shock.

It's not the same as if it happens slowly, over a long period of time and you just grow apart. That's the easiest way. Fortunately that's how it happened with me. The initial hit was sudden but the aftermath and dealing with it took 2 years and by the time the divorce happened I was emotionally good with it. That doesn't often happen though.


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## hank_rea

No...no kids.


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## EleGirl

There is nothing wrong with you wanting to reconcile. She is having an affair, right.

Over the last few years, how often did she tell you that she needed more? That she needed attention, etc?

What you did.. the texting, etc. was really the wrong thing to do. 

My suggestion is that before you do anything else you get the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harely. Read it and do what it suggests. It's probably the one change you will have to get her back and fix your marriage.


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## Freak On a Leash

hank_rea said:


> No...no kids.


That's good. It'll make the 180 easier. It will make your whole life easier because if you don't reconcile it will make the divorce easier. 

You can't do the texting bit anymore. If you need to rant, just come here. We are used to it.


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## hank_rea

EleGirl said:


> There is nothing wrong with you wanting to reconcile. She is having an affair, right.
> 
> Over the last few years, how often did she tell you that she needed more? That she needed attention, etc?
> 
> What you did.. the texting, etc. was really the wrong thing to do.
> 
> My suggestion is that before you do anything else you get the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harely. Read it and do what it suggests. It's probably the one change you will have to get her back and fix your marriage.


I have no concrete proof of an affair and of course she denies it entirely. She says she just wants to be alone. She said this is her second marriage and she's just tired of all the relationship stress. "It hurts too much" were her exact words. 

I realize my part in this. She would tell me to spend more time with her and I kind of just blew it off. I figured both of us were the types who work and come home---most of our free time was spent together. I would let her watch tv in the bedroom and I'd go fart around on the computer. I've never been the type that could just vedge out in front of the tv all day. I figured the distance would be healthy. Guess I was wrong. There were also other things...like this restaurant she loved to go to but I absolutely hated. She even promised not to ask me to take her there anymore and I figured since she could go with her family that it would be alright...I mean, she was still getting to go, right? Again, wrong, I suppose....

Thinking back on it, the relationship was pretty one-sided. It was all about what I wanted to do and to and she just went along with it. In my defense, though, there were several ocassions where I would ask for her input on certain things and she would always reply with, "I don't know". Maybe she just figured I'd shoot down whatever idea she had. Guess I'll never know now.


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## lifeistooshort

hank_rea said:


> Yeah....that's what she says. She's done. I guess I just feel it isn't over because she came to the decision so (seemingly) abruptly. She gave me the "ILYBNILWY" on a Saturday, we separated on Wednesday, and she served me divorce papers on Friday. She said that she had been feeling this way for about a year but didn't say anything because she thought it would get better and she didn't want to hurt me. Who really knows how long she has actually had these feelings....


When I divorced my exhb I was also done, because in my mind he had shown me who he was. There was nothing he could've done and i've not regretted it for one minute. Sorry, I know it's not what you wanted to hear. The reason you don't accept it and she does is because she's much further along in the detachment process. You'll get there too, and the first step is taking her at her word, otherwise you'll make yourself crazy. If she says she's done you must assume she is. I don't suppose I have to tell you that being nasty to her just confirms for her that she did the right thing. My ex behaved really badly in the divorce and it destroyed any residual positive thoughts I may have had about him. Take care of yourself and you'll get through this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Freak On a Leash

hank_rea said:


> She says she just wants to be alone. She said this is her second marriage and she's just tired of all the relationship stress. "It hurts too much" were her exact words.
> 
> I realize my part in this. She would tell me to spend more time with her and I kind of just blew it off. I figured both of us were the types who work and come home---most of our free time was spent together. I would let her watch tv in the bedroom and I'd go fart around on the computer. I've never been the type that could just vedge out in front of the tv all day. I figured the distance would be healthy. Guess I was wrong.
> 
> Thinking back on it, the relationship was pretty one-sided. It was all about what I wanted to do and to and she just went along with it. In my defense, though, there were several ocassions where I would ask for her input on certain things and she would always reply with, "I don't know". Maybe she just figured I'd shoot down whatever idea she had. Guess I'll never know now.


I can relate to her. She's checked out of the marriage and is done with you. If I hadn't had kids I would've divorced my ex years ago. I went from a 7 year relationship to my relationship with my ex with barely a year in between. Now I'm done and want to be ALONE. I love living on my own and never plan to in a serious committed relationship and live with someone again. 

I don't want the complications and pain of a relationship. It screwed up my life once too many times. I know where your wife's head is at. 

AND my husband acted a lot like you. He was so disinterested and uninvolved. We lived separate lives under the same roof. I'd beg him to do things with me and eventually I gave up and did them on my own. It was a gift really because it made my adjustment into single life MUCH easier. I'm not lonely now because I WAS lonely for years and got over that years ago. I've gotten USED to be alone and have grown to like it. I thank my ex for ignoring me for 20 years for that. It was a blessing in disguise. 

Yeah, you spent time under the same roof but you weren't TOGETHER.. She probably wanted YOU take the initiative and show her that you cared. How do you think she would've reacted if you'd gone into the bedroom with some flowers, a bottle of wine and lit a candle? Maybe offered to give her a back rub? Maybe drawn a bubble bath. I'll bet that TV would've gone off pretty damn quickly. 

Or what would her reaction have been to just come home one day and said "let's go to this B&B for the weekend, take in a show, etc?" Even just take a walk in the park, maybe do a picnic lunch? 

It was rare when my ex did those kind of things, even before we had kids. Almost EVERYTHING that was done was initiated and planned by ME. He sometimes would do stuff but it was so rare and inconsistent.

He would be romantic or involved a few times here and there during our marriage but after a time it would end and he'd blow me off. It became frustrating and upsetting. We'd share something and have fun doing it together and then he'd just say "I'm bored" and stop doing things with me. Then he'd get mad when I say I felt rejected and hurt and blame ME for being unreasonable! :slap:

In the end he didn't want to do much but sit and watch TV or go up to the same place for vacation. It was the same old thing, over and over again. IT WAS ABOUT ALL WHAT HE WANTED TO DO and I just went along just to spend some time with him. Sound familiar? 

In the end, it got boring, he was boring and eventually I checked out emotionally. After awhile you just get tired of asking and caring. It's a relief NOT to care and you are relieved and and happy to just be able to move on.

You didn't have KIDS so you don't even have that excuse. You just didn't care. You stopped treating her like your girlfriend and became just a blob in front of a computer screen. So she became a blob in front of the TV. Can you blame her for checking out? She asked you spend time with her and you blew her off. Now she's blowing you off. What goes around..comes around. 

You'd better get used to being divorced. She's moved on. Hopefully you'll learn from your mistakes and if you get involved with someone else you'll be more proactive and not take them for granted. You made some mistakes but the biggest mistake you can make is the one you don't learn from.


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## hank_rea

@Freak: Ouch.

That's what I needed to hear, though....from a woman's perspective. Thank you for your honesty. And yeah, in my mind, I think I know that it's over. My wife would have never gone days without trying to communicate with me if she still loved me. She's even going by her maiden name on Facebook and she's closed the e-mail account we used to use (the screen name was our initials) 

It's really true what they say, though...you don't know what you got till it's gone. She was the best thing that ever happened to me and I blew it. I really don't have any complaints about her. She was the perfect wife.


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## Conrad

hank_rea said:


> @Freak: Ouch.
> 
> That's what I needed to hear, though....from a woman's perspective. Thank you for your honesty. And yeah, in my mind, I think I know that it's over. My wife would have never gone days without trying to communicate with me if she still loved me. She's even going by her maiden name on Facebook and she's closed the e-mail account we used to use (the screen name was our initials)
> 
> It's really true what they say, though...you don't know what you got till it's gone. She was the best thing that ever happened to me and I blew it. I really don't have any complaints about her. She was the perfect wife.


Your options include trying to crush the affair or forgetting about her.


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## hank_rea

Very complicated situation there, brother Conrad. Exposing an affair now would be near impossible as I live 4 hours away from her, have no access to any of her accounts and I never even met any of her friends or family. As I said, it was a very strange situation. I'm black, she's white. The house we lived in her parents bought. She said that if her parents found out about me, that they would disown her. So we kept it a secret. Well, actually, before I came to stay with her, I told her that she needed to tell her parents about me. She promised me that she would. About two weeks after I moved in, I found out, but like a fool I stayed anyway. Ever since then there have been trust issues...mainly on my end. Thinking back on it, I figured since I could learn to live with her lying to me about that, we could work our way through anything. It gave me a false sense of security. 

*sigh* Looks like my best bet is just to keep with the 180 and eventually I can move on.


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## Freak On a Leash

hank_rea said:


> @Freak: Ouch.
> 
> That's what I needed to hear, though....from a woman's perspective. Thank you for your honesty. And yeah, in my mind, I think I know that it's over. My wife would have never gone days without trying to communicate with me if she still loved me. She's even going by her maiden name on Facebook and she's closed the e-mail account we used to use (the screen name was our initials)
> 
> It's really true what they say, though...you don't know what you got till it's gone. She was the best thing that ever happened to me and I blew it. I really don't have any complaints about her. She was the perfect wife.


Honesty is something I have no problem with.  I'm sorry and I'm glad you took it the way it was intended. It would be cruel to both you and your wife if you just went on the way you have, being angry and resentful and acting the way you are. It's understandable but it's just going to make things worse. 

She's moved on. You don't have kids so it's going to be relatively quick and easy and she's doing everything you can to put you out of her life. If you chill out and give her space maybe you can be friends some day. Maybe. 

Now it's time to disengage and rebuild yourself and learn from this. 

For 22 years I banged myself against the head trying to make my husband be something he wasn't. In the end all I got was a giant headache. It wasn't worth it. I used to pray and beg that I would just fall out of love with him. Then it happened and it was the BEST thing to happen ever to me! When he did ask for me to come back into my life I went running in the other direction. 

We are still friends but it's because of our son. One day I plan to leave and I won't be looking back at him. I have no regrets and am glad as all hell that he's not that huge anchor pulling me down anymore. I cut that line and want it to STAY cut. 

I know where your wife is at. Don't be too hard on yourself. Just move on, heal and if you get involved with someone else, learn from this. We all make mistakes, that's for sure.


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## Freak On a Leash

Conrad said:


> Your options include trying to crush the affair or forgetting about her.


He said there's no evidence of an affair. She says she never had an affair. I never had an affair. Some of us DO take our marital vows seriously. It would help to assume that what she says is true and just move on. 

Digging up an affair would give you NOTHING. It would change nothing and just make you hurt more and be angrier. It would also drag out YOUR healing process and be like picking at a scab on a wound and not letting it heal. She's not going to come back to you out of guilt or pity. Any affair she may have had is just more proof that she's moved on. 

If it isn't going to do anything to make things easier in your divorce or give you a more advantageous position than just let it be. Most states don't hold adultery against you and it sounds like this is just a simple divorce. There's no kids and I assume no alimony involved, just a division of assets and debts. Get it done and let it go.


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## Conrad

Those that take it seriously aren't able to detach in days.

He's actually given us more info now. Seems like she's always had an issue with the racial aspects of their relationship. And, now she's basically hiding hours away.

Starting to add up.

She's been lying to him from the gitgo.

Worst of all, she's likely been lying to herself.


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## hank_rea

Well, she said that she had these feelings for a while, but didn't say anything because she didn't want to hurt me and she thought that it would get better. And yes, she did lie. A lot. Certain days I would come home from work and smell smoke. I would specifically ask her is she was smoking in the house and she would lie to my face. Heh..I guess she wasn't the "perfect wife" after all.


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## Conrad

hank_rea said:


> Well, she said that she had these feelings for a while, but didn't say anything because she didn't want to hurt me and she thought that it would get better. And yes, she did lie. A lot. Certain days I would come home from work and smell smoke. I would specifically ask her is she was smoking in the house and she would lie to my face. Heh..I guess she wasn't the "perfect wife" after all.


If you look at this from 50,000 feet, you'll find many more inconsistencies from someone who behaves as she has.

You may want to introduce yourself to her parents.

That might get things moving on her end.


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## hank_rea

I actually did call her mother a couple of weeks ago. First time I ever talked to her. Something happened where I was receiving texts from contacts on her phone. I get some strange message that says, "So, shrimp tonight?" I asked my ex about it and she says it was her mother. This message was about a year old and I still had it on my phone. So, I called the number. Sure enough, it was her mom. I didn't reveal that I was black, though. At this stage, what's really the point in that? She's ending the relationship.

EDIT: To go back to the earlier statements about how my wife disconnected, I understand that but I had gripes as well. Due to our race situation, obviously I was not included in family gatherings. Now, I was 4 hours away from my immediate family (who accepted her) and during holidays, she would want to go over her parents' house, leaving me alone. I told her that I would prefer she stayed home with me at least one of the major holidays (if I let her go on Thanksgiving, she would spend Christmas with me) but she always had a problem with this. She'd mope around the house until I eventually let her leave. This hurt me. But, I always let her know exactly how this made me feel (or she could tell when she got home and I was visibly pissed off)

Also, she was a slob. Her side of the room was always disgusting and don't even get me started on her car. I made mention of this several times and to this day, she still just throws trash all over the place. Did I "emotionally detatch" from her after she ignored me for years? I told her that I didn't want to live like that. It's disgusting. Yeah she would clean up but about a week later her side of the room looked like a tornado came through there again. 

This may seem petty and small, but from a man's perspective (unfortunately) so does, "Oh you're not spending enough time with me!" If she had sat me down and said, "Look, dammit, if some things don't change around here, I'm leaving you!" I wouldn't have continued to behave in the manner that I did. She just kept allowing it, just like I allowed her behavior. Door swings both ways. This all could have been very easily fixed if she had just told me exactly what she was feeling. This was my first real relationship and it doesn't come with instructions. Not trying to make excuses, but I also had some horrible examples of long-term couples to reference. Everybody always complains about how "boring" their marriages are....I figured "boring" was just how it got after you've been with the same person for a number of years. 

I also complained about lack of affection from her. When we first got together, she was all over me. After about two years, that died down and I told her about it. I would always be very affectionate to her, but she wouldn't really reciprocate. The only time I ever got a kiss from her is when we were leaving each other or when one of us got home from work. What happened to making out? I missed that and expressed it to her several times throughout our marriage. She never changed, but did I "disconnect" from her? No, I just accepted it and continued to love her. 

Eh...I've explained all of this to her, but she doesn't care. Checked out and all that.....


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## Freak On a Leash

hank rea: You've included a lot more details that I wish you'd put up earlier. There's always two sides to every story. In my own marriage, my ex wasn't all bad and I wasn't all good. That's one reason I was able to have an amicable divorce with him, because I realized that I contributed in a negative way to the marriage as well and it wasn't fair to dump it all on him in the divorce. Sometimes you just have to say that both parties were at fault and did bad things and sometimes there was good too that you are going to miss having in your life and leave it at that. If she was interested in counseling maybe you could work it out, but it's the "you can drag a horse to water but can't make him drink" situation. If she wants out, then you are just prolonging the pain by not accepting it. 

No one is perfect. We are all fallible. Your ex wife not including you in her family life was just horrible, especially since it spilled over into your relationship and hurt you. I was hard on you before because you only gave me one side. If I were speaking to her now I'd be equally hard on her. It's obvious that you both had problems with each other and it wasn't going to work out, especially now she's checked out. Fortunately you don't have children to deal with. Consider that a blessing in disguise. Now you can both move on. You might not be happy now but believe me, it's a good thing in the end. 



Conrad said:


> If you look at this from 50,000 feet, you'll find many more inconsistencies from someone who behaves as she has.
> 
> You may want to introduce yourself to her parents.
> 
> That might get things moving on her end.


:wtf: "Moving?" She ALREADY has moved! She filed for divorce and is doing her best to cut herself off from her prior life. She wants out. She's already MOVED. 

Plus, WHY would he introduce himself to her parents? :scratchhead: Just to cause trouble? What point would there be in THAT? 

They don't have kids, she's made her feelings known. There's no POINT in digging up trash and throwing it around! Let the woman go. She obviously has a problem with the OP. She hid her MARRIAGE from her parents because of his race? That's crazy. That showed a lack of true emotional commitment on her part, hence it made it easier for her to just walk away.

You should be proud of and stand by your spouse, regardless of how your parents may react. My parents HATED my ex husband and I stood by him regardless. Turns out they were right about him but that's besides the point..

She obviously never completely emotionally committed to him. He wasn't into the relationship either. Neither of them seemed to work at it. There's no children. Sometimes it's best to walk away rather than keep taking shots at each other and making one another miserable. 

I know it hurts but obviously both these people can find someone who is more suitable and hopefully have learned something from this.


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## hank_rea

Freak On a Leash said:


> She obviously never completely emotionally committed to him. He wasn't into the relationship either. Neither of them seemed to work at it. There's no children. Sometimes it's best to walk away rather than keep taking shots at each other and making one another miserable.
> 
> I know it hurts but obviously both these people can find someone who is more suitable and hopefully have learned something from this.


Hopefully one day I can read through this and agree with you. Unfortunately, I'm not at that stage yet.


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## Freak On a Leash

hank_rea said:


> Hopefully one day I can read through this and agree with you. Unfortunately, I'm not at that stage yet.


It takes time. You'll get there. In the meantime, best of luck and we're here for you if you need feedback and support.


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## hank_rea

Came within a millimeter of having a relapse today. I got a bill from a debtor and texted the ex about it. She said it's coming out of her account automatically every month (it's only like $25) and to just throw it away. Every time I even text her, my heart races. I wanted so badly to call her and just pour my heart out. To try and get through to her one last time (of course, this wouldn't be the "last time" at all) Thank God I came to my senses before I did any further damage. I figure I've been put through this to build up my will power and patience, two things that I have been sorely lacking. It's probably why I blew my last chance at fixing things with my wife (when she dropped the ILYBNILWY I promised to change, then three days later asked her if any of her feelings were coming back....this lead to us being separated and the divorce papers being drawn) 

I was under-prepared for that, anyway. I was going to try and "nice" my way back into her heart, when the 180 was the way to go. It probably didn't help matters any that I said something very nasty (something she says she can never forgive me for) to her before I left after signing the divorce papers. I was just running on pure emotion---hurt. I wanted to hurt her. About 10 minutes later, I realized what I had done and called her to apologize, but it was already out there. She told me that she would have still had some love for me if I hadn't said that. I don't know if I believe that or not. If she "still had love for me", then why in the hell was she divorcing me in the first place?!


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## hank_rea

You know, I've been thinking about this a lot the past few days and I've come to a realization. Should be painfully obvious to anyone who has been following my story any, but I am not the victim. My relationship with my ex wife was built on lies. When I first met her, I didn't think it would go any further than the initial visit. I mean, she was nice, but I wasn't attracted to her at all. I had to drive a long way to see her, so she suggested I spend the night. And when I went to leave the next day she started crying and said that she didn't want me to leave. That should have been a huge red flag, but she actually broke my heart with that. I couldn't bear the thought of not contacting her again after I got back home.

So, I kept in contact with her and around a week later, she tells me that she thinks she's falling in love with me. Again, should have been a huge red flag, but I figured, hey what else have I got going on? She also said she would come up to visit me this time. She rented a hotel room and we stayed there for a couple of days. We did...well...the thing. It was my first time. Yes, she deflowered me. Afterwards, she said that I had stolen her heart. Anyway, after she left, I couldn't stop thinking about her. Everytime I closed my eyes, I saw her smile. I don't know if it was love or the fact that she took my virginity but all I know is I wanted to see more of this woman. 

Fast-forward about 9 years and I get the ILYBNILWY.....and her reason for not telling me sooner (among other things)? She didn't want to tell me because she didn't want to hurt me. Isn't it ironic that the one thing that kept us together in the beginning was now the only thing keeping us together presently, just in reverse? I have said that it feels like I'm being punished for something right now. When I left my wife, I gave up my job, my home and my companion. I now have nothing. I'm living with my parents and am not having any luck finding employment. Is this karma or is God just testing me? I can't lie, I have had thoughts of suicide, but I doubt I'd have the balls to go through with it. Just...I don't know....

One thing is for certain, even if this didn't happen, I honestly can't say I saw myself with my ex for the rest of my life. What was I supposed to do? Hide forever? Plus, and I feel like a huge ***hole for saying this, but I was always ashamed to be seen in public with my ex. She was overweight and very sloppy. It's like she didn't care at all about her appearance. I actually told her this when she served me the divorce papers. She said she could never forgive me. 

D-day is only days away now...not weeks. I think I'm just ready for it to finally be over. Contact is limited between me and the ex. She only texts me to tell me that she's sending another package (my stuff that's still at her house) At the end of May, she's dropping my phone from her plan, and she does not have the number here. I wouldn't be surprised if she changes her cell phone number as soon as mine is disconnected. lol...also, she's blocked me on Facebook. All the clues are there, but I'm still in the denial phase. I'm just human...I still long for reconciliation, but obviously we're far beyond that point. 

Meh...I really don't know what I want right now. Just talking off the top of my head. If anybody read through this, I appreciate it.


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## hank_rea

Had a moment of extreme weakness. I have been dying to talk to my ex wife all week. I guess it's the anxiety due to the impending divorce, but I really wanted to let her know that I understand why she did what she did (thanks to Freak and her tough love for that one). I had actually written her a letter and put it in the mailbox, but later tore it up. When she texted me today asking about some more of my stuff she was sending, I just couldn't resist. I called her. I told her about all the things I did and owned up for my part. I also told her that us splitting up was probably for the best, because had we stayed together, I probably wouldn't have changed. She agreed and also said that she hasn't called to check up on me because she's still upset about what I said to her after I signed the divorce papers, as well as some things I said to her in texts following that. 

I didn't ask her to call off the divorce or anything...I know that's not going to happen, but I did let her know that (as corny as this sounds) I believe that she is my soul mate and I feel that God wants us to be together. Yeah, the situation with her parents is f***ed up, and there's going to be a lot of work to do in restoring trusts, but isn't anything worth having worth fighting for? It was easy to get her, but the work came in with keeping her. I failed. She once said that I was the man of her dreams and I reminded her about that. I asked her if she was just saying that because she was in that new relationship fog or if she actually meant it. She said she did mean it. But also said it would be a while before she could even think about getting back together with me. I'm not giving up hope, but I'm not going to wait for her, either. This, to me, felt like closure. I feel better now having talked to her. Yes, I'm most likely co-dependend and in denial, but I feel better today than I have all week. 

In other news....uhhhh...I might have a date tomorrow. Going to the movies with this girl I met online. We're going to meet each other there and I don't know if there's going to be anything after, and I've told her my situation...she knows I'm not looking to get serious. It would do me good to get out with new, good people, so I'm going for it. Maybe she can help take my mind off the one I let slip away. We'll see.


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## lifeistooshort

hank_rea said:


> Had a moment of extreme weakness. I have been dying to talk to my ex wife all week. I guess it's the anxiety due to the impending divorce, but I really wanted to let her know that I understand why she did what she did (thanks to Freak and her tough love for that one). I had actually written her a letter and put it in the mailbox, but later tore it up. When she texted me today asking about some more of my stuff she was sending, I just couldn't resist. I called her. I told her about all the things I did and owned up for my part. I also told her that us splitting up was probably for the best, because had we stayed together, I probably wouldn't have changed. She agreed and also said that she hasn't called to check up on me because she's still upset about what I said to her after I signed the divorce papers, as well as some things I said to her in texts following that.
> 
> I didn't ask her to call off the divorce or anything...I know that's not going to happen, but I did let her know that (as corny as this sounds) I believe that she is my soul mate and I feel that God wants us to be together. Yeah, the situation with her parents is f***ed up, and there's going to be a lot of work to do in restoring trusts, but isn't anything worth having worth fighting for? It was easy to get her, but the work came in with keeping her. I failed. She once said that I was the man of her dreams and I reminded her about that. I asked her if she was just saying that because she was in that new relationship fog or if she actually meant it. She said she did mean it. But also said it would be a while before she could even think about getting back together with me. I'm not giving up hope, but I'm not going to wait for her, either. This, to me, felt like closure. I feel better now having talked to her. Yes, I'm most likely co-dependend and in denial, but I feel better today than I have all week.
> 
> In other news....uhhhh...I might have a date tomorrow. Going to the movies with this girl I met online. We're going to meet each other there and I don't know if there's going to be anything after, and I've told her my situation...she knows I'm not looking to get serious. It would do me good to get out with new, good people, so I'm going for it. Maybe she can help take my mind off the one I let slip away. We'll see.



Hmm, so God wants you to be with someone you're ashamed to be seen with. Sounds like you're just po'd she dumped you. You didn't particularly want get when you had her and then when she dumps you you lose your mind. Maybe you feel you're actually better than her and now you don't have her around to make yourself feel better. just sayin
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hank_rea

lifeistooshort said:


> Hmm, so God wants you to be with someone you're ashamed to be seen with. Sounds like you're just po'd she dumped you. You didn't particularly want get when you had her and then when she dumps you you lose your mind. Maybe you feel you're actually better than her and now you don't have her around to make yourself feel better. just sayin


The being ashamed to be seen with her, that was me and my low self-esteem. I care way too much about what people think. Since we were so different physically, I was always thinking people were staring at us. Yeah, it's sad and pathetic and I intend to start therapy to work through my issues as soon as I find employment.

As far as me not wanting her when she was around...well, I took everything for granted. My job, my home, my wife, even my family......all blessings and all things that I felt I was entitled to rather than being thankful for them. It took me losing everything to make me see the light. That's sadly often how it works. But, as God as my witness, if I get a second chance, I won't screw it up this time. And if it doesn't work out with the ex, then at least I'll have the knowledge to pass on to my next relationship.


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## Freak On a Leash

Interracial marriages are no big deal these days. I guess it depends on what part of the country you are in but in most areas it's quite accepted, which is a good thing. Our own President is the result of a interracial marriage and regardless of what you think of him politically I think his election (twice) by people of all different races across this country shows how far we've come with regards to that. 

Personally I have a friend who is dating a black man and I think he's very nice and HOT. :smthumbup: I'd date a black man in a second if we hit it off and he wouldn't have to worry about me being ashamed of him. I'd have no problem with my kids doing so either. I know that the younger generation doesn't have the same hang ups as we did and IMO it's a good thing. 

But then again, I really don't give a damn what other people think of me. It's the joy of getting older/wiser. I have black, blonde and purple hair and if someone says something I just say "Oh well". Most people don't know what the heck they are talking about anyway. 

So IMO there's no REASON to be ashamed of who you are and what you do if it makes YOU happy (and doesn't hurt anyone else and is legal). But I guess it's easier to say that than to feel it. It seems both of you felt that way. You were ashamed to be seen with her and she didn't even have the nerve to tell her parents that her husband is black and kept her marriage hidden for fear of their reaction. THAT alone would've told me what I needed to know and I could never stay with someone who is ashamed of me. 

You have a deep underlying problem right there and sometimes it's best to accept what is and move on. She obviously HAS moved on and you need to accept that and do the same. You did a good thing with telling her that you supported her decision but then you went on to ONCE AGAIN beg her to change her mind an come back to you and threw God in there as well. You pretty much undid all the good that you did. If I were her I'd be backpedaling that much faster as a result. 

You gotta let it go dude. Let it be and start concentrating on fixing yourself. Consider this a lesson learned and focus on the rest of your life and let her live hers in peace. 

More tough love from the Freak. I feel for you but sometimes banging your head against the proverbial wall really does just result in a big headache. :banghead:


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## hank_rea

Freak On a Leash said:


> You have a deep underlying problem right there and sometimes it's best to accept what is and move on. She obviously HAS moved on and you need to accept that and do the same. You did a good thing with telling her that you supported her decision but then you went on to ONCE AGAIN beg her to change her mind an come back to you and threw God in there as well. You pretty much undid all the good that you did. If I were her I'd be backpedaling that much faster as a result.
> 
> You gotta let it go dude. Let it be and start concentrating on fixing yourself. Consider this a lesson learned and focus on the rest of your life and let her live hers in peace.
> 
> More tough love from the Freak. I feel for you but sometimes banging your head against the proverbial wall really does just result in a big headache. :banghead:


Well, when I first contacted her after we separated, she was very negative. She said that there was no way, no chance for us to ever get back together. That she was done. She didn't say that at all this time. For the most part, what I got from this is that she is still very angry at me and needs her space (or maybe that's denial rearing its head again), so I'm backing off. Back to NC. I was inspired to do what I did by (again, pathetic) my mother. She told me that if I really loved her and wanted her back, that I needed to make sure I explored every avenue.....tell her exactly how important she is to me and that I'm willing to fight for her. She says women love that stuff. I told her that it wouldn't work and that all the experts say you should just stick to no contact, but is every individual exactly the same? You can't lump everyone into the same box. 

I don't know....I just kind of feel like I gave up too easily. When she said we should separate, I left, no argument. When she served me with divorce papers, I put up no resistance and signed them right there on the spot, even though I was basically just blind-sided with them. The day after she gave me the ILYBNILWY I told her that I was intent on trying to win her back, but left the house with the internet browser open to hotels in our town. I was just totally freaking out and didn't know what the hell to do. She called me and asked me if I was coming home after work or going to a hotel. I told her that I might go to a hotel or I might just drive around until she went to work, then come home. She then asked me why I was going to do that when I'm supposed to be trying to win her back and started crying. I then said I'd come home. I figured she would have wanted me gone, but she didn't....or maybe she was crying because she actually did want me gone and it made her sad. I don't know....but what I got from that was that she was wanting to give me a chance. But, I blew it. I wasn't ready yet. Didn't have the tools. I was still going around thinking all of this was her fault and she just came out of the blue one day and said, "I'm not happy, I want you to leave." 

I'll just continue to give her space and if she decides to contact me, I'll proceed accordingly. I just had to get that out into the open. It was killing me not talking to her....I was just burning up inside. And, I do feel better now that I had a chance to tell her exactly how I feel and that I do realize how much I have hurt her. And, she did say that it helped...but only a little. lol


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## Freak On a Leash

Women liked to be chased but once their minds are made up and their done with you then it's best to give them their space or else you are just irritating them. Good luck in any case. I'd play it cool at this point.


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## hank_rea

Yeah, well, I have some stuff to keep me busy coming up this week anyway. Going to a movie with a new friend and having a dinner with a divorce group on Tuesday night. At least I won't just be sitting around feeling sorry for myself.


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## Freak On a Leash

The divorce group is a great idea. Try meetup.com to meet new people, keep yourself busy, etc. 

I wouldn't recommend dating AT ALL. You need to get over your ex wife and straighten yourself out first before getting into it with someone else. All this happened so suddenly and so fast I'd think you are still in a state of shock. That's one reason for all your emotions. 

You've said all you've needed to say to your ex and hopefully you can let it be. Now get back on that horse and start riding and make a new life for yourself. :smthumbup:


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## hank_rea

I hear what you're saying. But, as I said earlier, she knows my situation and that I'm not looking to get serious...I just want to be friends.


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## hank_rea

Should have skipped the movie. Aside from people behind us talking the entire time (loudly) there was also a crying baby in front of us. Not to mention the fact that the girl and I have virtually nothing in common and I just kept wishing I was there with my ex wife instead of her. She's nice but I doubt she's going to call anymore after this. 

Felt better yesterday....feel 20x worse today. Also, this is the last day my wife and I are legally married. I just want to die. Seriously.


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## Freak On a Leash

That's why I HATE going to the movies. Rude people, crying kids and you can't stop the film to get a snack or go to the bathroom. I'd rather wait for the DVD. 

As far as your "date" went..

 Hate to say these words but...I told you. Give yourself some time to heal. This has all happened so fast for you! Give yourself a break. You are definitely not ready to date. 

Don't be too hard on yourself either though. I'm definitely not wanting to be with my ex husband but when I do certain things, like to dancing in the same places and see the same bands that I did with my ex, I miss him. It's a perfectly natural way to feel.  

But I know THAT person is gone forever so I have a good time anyway. But I do miss those times with him because they were indeed good times. IMO, it's just natural, like seeing a child and missing those years when your kids were young or going to a college campus and missing the days when you were part of that scene. 

However, if thoughts of your ex wife are occupying your head 24/7 and you feel miserable being with someone else then you are definitely NOT ready to date or even see someone else "as friends".


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## hank_rea

Yeah, you were right (again) and from now on, I will not doubt your words. :smthumbup:

I had a nice chat with the leader of the support group I'm supposed to eat dinner with Tuesday. I've always been a bit of an introvert and anti-social, so this is something pretty terrifying for me. I'm going to just go for it, though. It's stepping outside of my comfort zone and that's something I need to get in the habit of doing more often. 

Anyway, the gentleman I spoke to just reiterated what I already knew but didn't want to come to grips with. He said that it wasn't entirely my fault that my marriage failed and that my ex-wife and I probably weren't the best match after all. Plus, he doesn't buy that my neglect was the only reason things didn't work out (other people have also shared this theory, but according to her, that's the big reason for our fallout) He also had a more effed up story of his divorce than I do. He said one day he came home from work and his wife told him that they needed to get divorced because she was engaged. I was like 

He also said that eventually his wife wound up wanting to get back together, but he had already moved on and turned her down flat. I said that he was my hero (okay, I didn't say that, but I was thinking it) My family is nice to have around and their support is very precious to me, but there's nothing like talking to someone who knows exactly what you're going through to help smooth things over a bit.

Now, I just have to get through tomorrow....the day of my divorce (sigh)


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## hank_rea

Welp...I am officially divorced.


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## naga75

I have skimmed through this thread but what i think i see is...
You were married for 9 years to a woman who didnt value you enough to stand up to her parents, because they wouldnt like the color of your skin?
And you think you are worse off without her? If im reading that right, youre NOT worse off. 
I'll tell you this:
Im white, my wife is as brown as they come. Now if someone felt the need to degrade myself or her based on our decision to love each other, i reckon they could kiss my ass. Family or not. Thats called loving someone for who they are.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hank_rea

Yeah, you're right....and I know this in my mind. It's the rest of me that needs convincing. Ugh....love stinks.


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## Freak On a Leash

naga75 said:


> I have skimmed through this thread but what i think i see is...
> You were married for 9 years to a woman who didnt value you enough to stand up to her parents, because they wouldnt like the color of your skin?
> And you think you are worse off without her? If im reading that right, youre NOT worse off.
> I'll tell you this:
> Im white, my wife is as brown as they come. Now if someone felt the need to degrade myself or her based on our decision to love each other, i reckon they could kiss my ass. Family or not. *Thats called loving someone for who they are*.


:iagree: It hurts now Hank but eventually you will come to see this as a GOOD day. You now have the chance to find someone who loves you for the way you are, regardless of what you look like. 

And you can take what you've learned and put it to good use. 

Life starts now...:smthumbup:


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## Forever Changed

hank_rea said:


> Thinking back on it, the relationship was pretty one-sided. It was all about what I wanted to do and to and she just went along with it. In my defense, though, there were several ocassions where I would ask for her input on certain things and she would always reply with, "I don't know". Maybe she just figured I'd shoot down whatever idea she had. Guess I'll never know now.


That is my STBXW, and your STBXW is me.


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## hank_rea

Forever Changed said:


> That is my STBXW, and your STBXW is me.


She is my ex wife now. *sigh*


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