# Newly married need some advice



## demit (Nov 16, 2013)

History:
Dated wife for 1 year. Been married 3 months. We have 1 child each, high school age. Me: 42 She: 42. We both work

Question:
During our 1 year of dating our sex life was great, 4+ a week. After marriage within 2 months the frequency has dropped to once a week and that seems to be a chore sometimes.

Why on earth would this happen when nothing has changed except for marriage?


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

You just answered your own question.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

My wife and I were concerned that marriage could negatively affect our relationship. Fortunately, it did not, but we agreed we'd get a divorce and try to recover what we had if it did have a negative impact. Sadly, it did make a difference in yours. She is now taking you for granted now that you're married. The hard work to get you if done, and now she feels she can coast. Don't put up with it.


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## demit (Nov 16, 2013)

@ Married but happy.
Any suggestions on what to do? I don't want to resort to sex just to do it. It is my way to connect with my wife. We had that connection. There are things that she no longer does... it is frustrating!
Not sure why women do this?


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Time to have a very direct and open discussion about your sex life with your wife. Do it now before the resentment builds to the point that communication is hampered. You might not like the answers you get, but ignorance does not change the truth.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I can only suggest you have a serious talk with her. If necessary, marriage counseling. Many here also recommend the book Married Man Sex Life Primer (?). Also consider - have YOU changed in any way since you married, that could be a contributing factor? Finally, if the book, and talking with each other and/or a counselor doesn't work, talk with a divorce lawyer. And don't put any of this off - do it now and take each step needed as soon as it's clear it's either working or not - then go to the next if necessary.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

6301 said:


> You just answered your own question.


Yep.


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## Eden1973 (Sep 9, 2013)

Hey Demit, sorry you are here but this can be a great place to get good advice. Hey before the counselors or divorce attorneys only after 3 months let's look at other things.

Being an newly wed after 40 was drastically different from being a newly wed early in life. So, if you take a step back, has any other dynamics of the relationship changed since marriage. When we were dating, we spent less time together, had very busy independent life & so when we did get together it was nice with undivided attention from both void of distractions. It was sweet, relaxing. I know it's crazy & unheard of in this day in age but we didn't have sex before we got married even at our ages. But, we were very passionate toward each other.

So, we started living together after marriage & I went into shock, lol & felt I lost a great part of my independence & he like everyone & myself had habits it was tough to adjust to. I withdrew which wasn't smart on my part. He used gaming as an escape when all we needed to do was TALK. But we are much better & working on our marriage purposefully. 

Learning each other's love languages are important during the dating stage they can be less important now we found that we had to make an effort to be considerate of each other purposefully now that we are together more. He could not ignore me most of the night & then expect "hot" sex after hours upon hours of ignoring me. Remember, while dating our time spent together was primarily engaging in each other. So now, we purposefully engage each other & consider the other, it's balanced & sex is had 5 to 7 times a week at least.

Read His needs, HER needs. How much one on one quality time are you two spending together outside sexual encounters, distractions or others? You need a good amount of time to stay connected, experts say 15 hours a week.

We had to have some hard heart to hearts & "listen" to each other's needs & have a true desire to compromise & meet each other's needs. It works!!! We couldn't no longer be stuck in old patterns when it came to day to day stuff, we had to adjust to the other.

So talk with her without blaming, "honey, you are hot, hot & it's hard for me not to want to ravish you every night, but I don't get to do that, why, what's changed? Honey I NEED to make love to you as that's how I feel love from you". Don't expect her to just know or read your mind. 

Do you try to initiate sex & are refused or is it you don't & if she don't seem interested then u don't try? I say don't ever not try, lol. I have fallen asleep ready & waiting, unknowingly that I had drifted off, he took it as a no. But we talked & learned, so he tries & I rarely refuse unless I'm sick. Women when compared to men may not initiate but doesn't mean we don't want to. Sleep & being tired can at time hit us hard at end of day.

I hope this help but don't fear or expect her to just know, please talk .


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## demit (Nov 16, 2013)

@Eden1973
We get at least 2 evenings a week that are just us. We go out and have fun but then when we get home it is like I am doing the loving and gentle caresses and then I am met with a colder feeling like, "wait a minute, he wants to have sex". Then the mood changes. She will change subject, move to the other side of the couch. It is very frustrating! 
I get what you have said and that we have to make time. I think I will read love languages and then say what you said. I need to feel her and that is through making love, not sex or a i guess we will so you will leave me alone, sex.
I find myself distancing away because of my frustration, and just like you said it will not work because it is counter intuitive to what needs to happen.

Thanks for you input, I am not very happy at the moment.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Some women care about weddings more than husbands.

My advice, start talking divorce.


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## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

Wait till it's once a month, then twice a year. 

You need to have a serious talk with her now. Your needs, her needs. If she can't satisfy yours this early in the game, forget about later on down the road. 

I don't care what anyone says.. when you have great sex for a year and then it stops/goes cold after marriage, there is more to the story. Something happened when you got married and ONLY your wife is the one that truly knows, not us. 

It's time to put your foot down. Like said, start talking divorce.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

demit said:


> @Eden1973
> when we get home it is like I am doing the loving and gentle caresses and then I am met with a colder feeling like, "wait a minute, he wants to have sex".


Maybe gentle caresses aren't what she needs to get turned on. Have you tried being more aggressive? Just taking her? Desires evolve, maybe hers did.


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## lilith23 (Sep 6, 2012)

It's important to talk about it with your wife directly before it becomes too long. Is something affecting her drive? Did you start living together only after marriage? The adjustment might affected that. And as another member said, when dating we have undivided attention but when it comes to living together things might change.

Also, did you change, as in stopped doing what you used to do when dating?

Also, you might want to be careful and not fall for the nice guy trap. It's good to show care and love to our partners, but you should not simply be an unconditional pleaser at the expense of self respect or care for self. Don't simply follow her will in what you don't agree with her too, just to avoid fights. I can assure you that this can be a great attraction and respect killing.

Also, keep yourself attractive, keep physical appearance as well as inner traits attractive. Ask yourself, would you date yourself if you are your wife? This is also something you do for yourself and not just for your wife. Don't take that for granted just coz you are married, and neither should she.

And you need to be assertive too, tell her how you feel. No one reads minds and you need to express your own feelings too, while she needs to be understanding too. Relationships are two way streets.

Tell her that sex is not just about physical release and that's why it's important to do it with her, it's your expression and intimacy bonding with her. If she takes you for granted and does not care about your needs then stop showing care for her as well, if she would not listen. Again, if you are a pleaser no matter what then she would just think that everything is ok and no need for changes.

Also, if something bothers her and built resentments, then she has to be honest and try to talk to you about them. She can't expect you to read her mind.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

If you have not already read them, read His Needs Her Needs and the Five Love Languages.


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## Self Help (Oct 22, 2013)

His needs her needs


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

Premarital sex kills a marriage. I'm as guilty as the next guy, but I truly believe this & not just from my Christian view. How many would have still married if they weren't getting it on daily like rabbits. It seems the same old story, tons of exciting sex before & less or none after & no spark?
I wish I could go back in time & not do it. My only proud assertion is that I've only had 3 partners & I married two of them. That was a slow weekend for a lot of my friends.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Forget about "talking to her" and all the "his needs her needs" stuff.

She doesn't want to have sex with you anymore.

People often change after marriage, usually because they feel trapped and scared of the commitment. They get back from the honeymoon and they're suddenly like "WTF did I just do?"

You want to know one way to mess up a good relationship?

Exchange rings and vows.

Marriage has no upside and a whole lotta down.

Especially when it's the second time around and there are children from a previous marriage.

You took a gamble with high odds of losing, and guess what? You lost.

Cut your losses. Stop throwing more chips on the table.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

lenzi said:


> Forget about "talking to her" and all the "his needs her needs" stuff.
> 
> 
> Marriage has no upside and a whole lotta down.
> ...


Sorry, I just have to disagree with this.

I am happily married and see lots of upside (I am first time around but I have friends/ family who are happily married second time around even with children).


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

tryingtobebetter said:


> Sorry, I just have to disagree with this.
> 
> I am happily married and see lots of upside (I am first time around but I have friends/ family who are happily married second time around even with children).


I agree, some of us just have bad luck. My parents, siblings & friends all have good ones, ranging from 17-52 years. I'm the marriage " black sheep", for whatever reason & not without trying??


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Glad you're in a happy marriage. However, you don't need to be married to have a fulfilling, satisfying relationship. You'd be just as happy without having exchanged meaningless vows and a couple of rings. Lots of people do what you do, and lots of them, in fact the majority of them, live to regret that decision.

It's like saying I stabbed myself with a screwdriver last week, this week I feel great, therefore tomorrow night I'm going to drill a hole in my head.

Sometimes getting married doesn't mess things up. But lots of times it does, lots of times things go bad and being married makes it much more difficult to extricate oneself. And getting married doesn't give you anything that you didn't already have before.


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

Marriage is a moral or religious choice. If I wasn't a Christian, I would have no problem just living with someone. I know married couples that have been together for 20 or more years.
I think you tend to try harder, because leaving is a lot easier and no strings or lawyers to deal with. The rings & vows have lost their meaning.


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## kjm (Jan 8, 2011)

Looking back on it, I sometimes wish I had just lived with my wife rather than getting married. Something about marriage leads people to take the other for granted. I did it and my wife did it. Before we married, we had sex so often (2-3 times a DAY), that we were losing weight (and she only weighed 100 lbs), and then when the ring went on her finger, it went to 1x a week then to once a month, then to 7 years of quarterly sex. We got it turned around, but if I had it to do over again, I would not have married her and just lived with her. It is just a reality. You are probably ignoring her in some area as well. Bring it up now. If you let the problem fester it won't get any better. Like anything, set your expectations early and be willing to give some yourself.


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