# Loyal But Unhappy Husband



## BigLoyalT (Apr 9, 2013)

Ok, so I'll try keep this as short as possible (but not likely). I married my wife last year after being together for 3 years. We are only 8 months into the marriage and are having a very rocky beginning. To bring you up to speed, she is a foreign national. We were engaged in 2011 but because of immigration laws, she had to return to her home country awaiting a visa and we were apart up until 1 month before the wedding. While we were separated, things seemed fine. We communicated everyday, I never cheated on her, nor did she cheat on me. 

Since the wedding we've dealt with most of the immigration issues (still awaiting her US Residency), but now that we've settled into life, the problems begin.

I'm no gem. I have had disclosure issues, affection issues, and I'm sure the list goes on, but I have been working on them. My issue with her is that I feel she's emotionally abusive...but not by intent. We have arguments that will last from sun-up to sundown. Whenever we argue she has a way of tearing me down till there's nothing left. And they have happened so frequently that I'm just so run down and tired. 

I try to do everything she has asked and attempt to ask for little in return. And whenever I do ask for something, down the road, I may notice that nothing has changed, I'll bring it up, and then she'll start calling herself names, talk about how bad she is etc etc. And I love her too much for her to go on with that talk, so I just drop it.

Moving forward again, the fights have gotten to the point where she has said she should just go to her home country but that would weigh so heavily on my heart if that happened. All her future plans ride on this marriage. The masters she's going for, the life she/we're building, so much to just throw it away. I have been broken down, told her she was abusive, suggested counselling, but have only gotten, "I don't need a therapist to tell me what I already know I need to do."

I'm not even going to start with the intimacy/sex issues. Needless to say, I never seem to get my needs met or addressed. It's just a plethora of problems and I feel as though that I would have seen this had we gone through a normal engagement, going from engagement to marriage, with only a long distance relationship in between. Part of me feels as though I made my bed and now I have to lie in it. Despite the misgivings, pain and problems, I still love this woman, want to be with her, and want to try and work things out. But I'm tired of being hurt, and whenever I bring it up, she just tears down herself and we end up addressing what she says but not really coming back to me. Not sure what to do...Not sure if I made a mistake, Not sure if I should leave. All I do is pray and try to be the best husband I can be. Any help or insight would be much appreciated.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

ordinarily, I wouldn't consider this, but in this case I think it's pertinent. What country/culture is your wife from?

It's only been 8 months of her ripping your heart out and tearing you down. I think you could hang on for another 12 at least, just to ensure you have absolutely nothing left.

So, you are married to a woman who is emotionally abusive, distant, argumentative, always has to be right, isn't open to counseling, and you don't get sex... but you love her?

If you had a sister who was married to a man who treated her the way your wife treated you, what would you want your sister to do?

Okay? 

You love a woman who doesn't love you, doesn't respect you and likely never will. Maybe shes using you, maybe she isn't. But really how can you put up with being treated like this?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Things were ok before marriage, not so hot since marriage and you're her link to a visa? Maybe she got what she wanted. "All her future plans hinge on the marriage". Any of her future plans require that you're happy or is the only requirement that you're breathing and have the proper citizenship?


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