# How do I get over jealousy?



## jealoushubby (Oct 7, 2011)

I have been married ten years to my wife. we have children together and we have dated since high school. My issue is that I am ALWAYS jealous now more than ever even though she has never given me any reason to be. If she wears yoga pants to the gym for example it drives me crazy with jealousy. She went on her sisters bachelorette party to the Bahamas and i was nearly physically sick the whole time even though she swears she never even danced with any guys. Even when she drinks I get jealous worrying she is going to do something to cheat on me. Any advice on getting over that? She is fed up with it and I dont blame her. I really have trouble controlling these feelings. Thanks everyone


----------



## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

It sounds like you (like myself) are suffering from anxiety...this is something that I suspected for quite some time, and had it confirmed by asking the question of others on this site!

If there is no real reason for you to feel this way (ie, she isn't cheating/flirting/disrespecting you), then the problem really is yours. I've opted for individual counselling and I encourage you to do the same. My first appointment will be next week 

Good luck!


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

answer this question honestly-

what do you believe the sex ranks of both you and your wife are? Do you feel you are ranked below your wife significantly?


----------



## jealoushubby (Oct 7, 2011)

Of course i consider here a higher rank than me in terms of attractiveness. Every guy wants to "marry up" But i also have been hit on a fair amount. I would say she is an 8-9 and i am around a 6-7. But i also know i treat her better than most guys treat their wives. Thats worth something......


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Almostrecovered said:


> answer this question honestly-
> 
> what do you believe the sex ranks of both you and your wife are? Do you feel you are ranked below your wife significantly?


This type of thing is discussed here: Married Man Sex Life: Sex Rank

Have you been very very hurt by women in your past, an old girlfriend or something ? Often we carry these deep HURTS/ baggages with us into new relationships. 

If so, and your wife is truly doing NOTHING to bring these feelings out in you , you need to overcome this -to save the harmony in your marraige. 

This is not attractive at all . It makes you into a mircro man, reduces you to looking very weak, unsure of yourself, loaded with insecurities, to what you are worth, even to the woman you married. 

Do you believe your wife Loves you -does she show you how much she loves you ? How is your relationship besides these nagging overactive thoughts? 

A mentally healthy man will not get bent out of shape even if another man makes a compliment to his wife, he will even feel validated himself to carry such a beautiful wife, you should want her to look good when she goes out (so long as she is not flaunting it or being flirty with other men).

What are you not trusting....What SHE is doing ? ..... or HOW other men LOOK at her and you feel she will fall into temptation somewhere?


----------



## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

I used to be very jealous myself. Until I realized something, my wife was going to do whatever she wanted to do. I simply had no control over it. If she wanted to cheat on me, she would. I could not do a single thing about it. But what I could do was DRIVE her right into the arms of another with my insecurities.

Warmly,
RDJ


----------



## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

jealoushubby said:


> I have been married ten years to my wife. we have children together and we have dated since high school. My issue is that I am ALWAYS jealous now more than ever even though she has never given me any reason to be. If she wears yoga pants to the gym for example it drives me crazy with jealousy. She went on her sisters bachelorette party to the Bahamas and i was nearly physically sick the whole time even though she swears she never even danced with any guys. Even when she drinks I get jealous worrying she is going to do something to cheat on me. Any advice on getting over that? She is fed up with it and I dont blame her. I really have trouble controlling these feelings. Thanks everyone


You sound SO much like my H. His jealousy and insecurities are his own issues. I cannot do anything for him. And I've not given him any reasons to feel the way he does - he was like that before I met him. He also has anxieties that are brought on from within himself. You have to take a step back and look at yourself. Stop focusing so much on others; you simply can't control them, you can only control yourself, your thoughts, and your feelings. If you consciously make an effort to change your thoughts to more positive things in your life, it will help you. 

For instance, if you and your wife are out and some guy is looking at her, or pays her a compliment, you think to yourself (with a smile on your face) "yep and she's all mine and I love her for being so beautiful". Instead, insecure guys like you want to punch the other guy in the face for something so innocent - makes no sense to me. 

If you don't want your wife to be noticed by the opposite sex, then you should have married down, not up. :scratchhead: Maybe some counseling will help you.


----------



## meson (May 19, 2011)

Jealousy is a special kind of fear but it is a fear nevertheless. Showing fear makes you unattractive and as SA & RDJ mentioned and might help drive her away. They way to treat jealousy is similar to the way one treats other fears by incremental exposure. 

Everyone has fears but not everyone allows them to control their actions. Most rock climbers are afraid of heights and falling but through the exercise of climbing they become exposed to the height and risk of falling. As they become repeatedly exposed they develop a comfort level associated with the level of risk they are assuming. I noticed this when I started climbing again a few years ago. I used to be unintimidated at a cliff edge, I had no problem soloing 100+ feet and I didn’t think about falling. However when I started climbing again, I couldn’t get to the edge of a cliff, solo and I thought about falling all the time. But as I exercised and became a better climber I again became accustom to those things and they bother me much less than before. As I climbed I regained my confidence of being on the rock this in turn allowed me to assume a higher risk level.

I had/have similar issues with jealousy and have overcome them as well. Likewise you need to do two things. First increase your confidence with your wife. Second become gradually used to the feelings of jealousy concentrate on not acting on them. 

Do the things that you did to woo your wife when you were dating. Get to know her more, learn what she likes and dislikes and keep up with how they change. And they will change as time goes on. You did all the right things before so you should be able to get back into the intensity when your relationship was young. Read the manup threads on TAM and develop a comfort with who you are and what you want from your wife. When you do these things you will stay attractive to her and you will know enough about her to feel more comfortable in situations where you might feel jealous today. 

The second thing to practice is controlling your actions. She will do things that make you jealous and you will have the desire to respond by checking, questioning or whatever. Pick small things and refuse to inquire, refuse to check. For instance when she is getting ready for yoga, you need to exercise not finding out what she is wearing. Don’t inquire, don’t try to find out. Let it happen and let go. If you see her in the pants then discuss what yoga techniques she is going to practice and keep you mind off of the pants. Be involved with her and her activity and it will distract you from thinking about what is bothering you. She will notice the interest in her and that you feel more confident about yourself and less clingy. Then when you have mastered the small things move on to bigger things. For instance I had issues with a specific person and for me it was really hard to let go but I practiced and continue to practice. Now when my wife interacts with him I feel much better about it and let them have their time because I KNOW (just as Southern Wife states) that she values me more. 

Now you will have a difficulty with the exercises because your wife knows your fear right now. She may try to cut to the chase and mention (insert hotbutton jealousy issue) and comment on it. Be prepared for this and deflect to another topic as if you really are not concerned too much about it. Don’t follow her initiative to address it if it is something you are working on controlling.

The last bit of advice I have is that the worst that could happen is that she could really be cheating. This forum is filled with examples of how people cope and move past this. Really think about what you would do and develop as a person to have a plan to move forward if that happens. But don’t dwell on it, you just need to realize it’s not the end of the world and you have the ability to keep life going. Once you realize that you will be fine moving on the fear/jealousy will become less. You will hear from exceptional athletes that they let go of the fear of failure and this enables them to succeed. It can work for a marriage as well.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Why are you so jealous? What does it stem from? Has it always been this way in your marriage or were you like this with women prior to her? Were you cheated on before? Did someone betray your trust?

Get therapy to help youwith this. Jealousy is evil. A lil jealousy's ok but if it's too much, it will drive her away. Jealousy makes people feel smothered and if someone feels like you don't trust them, they wonder, Why am I even with this person?


----------



## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Jealousy makes people feel smothered and if someone feels like you don't trust them, they wonder, Why am I even with this person?


Bingo!!! :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree:


----------



## Latigo (Apr 27, 2011)

I have been where you are. My case may have been a little different though. A) My wife had gone through her own jealous faze early in our relationship, so she was very understanding, B) My wife had discovered the wonders of facebook. I wasn't used to her spending so much time being "half there". Is was pretty new for me. I took me a while put myself back in check, but I am doing it. I still have slip ups. But on an internal level you have to be aware of what the triggers are and what you reactions are to them. After a while I started to recognize certain patterns in myself. A "jealousy cycle" if you will. At first recognizing it didn't help much, but after a while I have been able to break the cycles before the get out of hand.


----------

