# Problems that play into infidelities



## placeholder (Mar 8, 2020)

Planning to leave marriage, and working toward that. At the time being, I am keeping this on DL. Only my therapist and I know this. I am researching lawyers at the moment, as the last appointment I had fell through, so now back to square one in that research. It's been difficult to keep this to myself during the pandemic. 

Anyway, as I navigate through this limbo stage of marriage, my h still thinks and acts like we are married for life. He doesn't know. And I am also sort of living this dual existence. Outside I am married, inside, I am severing ties. I have not given up on my marriage or spouse. He gave up on us when he repeatedly cheated and/or disrespected our relationship and family. He has really given me few choices other than to leave.

Anyway, despite his lies to me, and himself, he's a difficult man (he thinks he's easy-going, and he is at first). I cannot discuss anything with him that makes him feel "badly". Thing is, you never know what will set him off to feel "badly". A silly joke. A request to not watch a certain YouTube video. Being busy. Having company over. Who knows. It changes, and it's not always same things. I have been noticing some mood swings and memory blips and am concerned about his 2nd shift position not being healthy for him. He gets extremely defensive. He could move to 1st shift, but has a couple of work related reasons he doesn't want to. It's not up for discussion, apparently, because mentioning it makes him feel like a failure. ??? I hear this often enough. I don't listen. I don't appreciate his time in the army (over 20 years ago) enough. I don't value his work enough because I mention 2nd shift doesn't seem healthy for him (and it's been crappy for the family). He went back to school, made a big show of it, bragging and boasting about the opportunities he would have if he did it his way, and put us in huge debt and foreclosure to avoid the offshift work, and yet, he now still works offshift. I'm a terrible person to mention. Funny, he says 2nd shift is good to be around family more, and yet he is still vaguely involved, meaning he's here but he's sort of like in it when he chooses. Thing is, I can't mention anything. Like we wanted to get an electric mower. The one he wanted was too expensive. So I suggested we get the affordable one first, give it couple of years, get the better one. No. Can't do that. And to mention it makes him feel like a failure he can't get the one he wants. It's not that I am making logical choice, it's his feelings of failure ??? So he would prefer to just suffer with the old gas one, waste hour getting it sorted, and complain at me. Which I have to listen to, because otherwise I make him feel neglected and like a failure. 

Anyway, this seems to be a cycle. He gets in these moods and phases, gets distant in some way, but also butters me up one second, mean a-hole the next. Usually then it correlates with some wayward activity. It's sort of his tell.

Not sure I should care, seeing I'm not in it for the long haul, just here until I get more on my feet. Maybe I should just let whatever ho/hoes he is chatting with, or will chat with, worry about his health?? But then again, he is the father of my kids. And yes, I gave him ample chances. I even gave him a clearly written guideline for us that he agreed to follow, over six months ago, and has done virtually none of it. Do I just let him fall apart and do nothing whilst the kids and I witness it? Doesn't seem humane but then again, I need to focus on kids and myself more. And yes, though I haven't proof, he is acting sketchy again. He needs to get help, not for the marriage, but for himself, and more importantly to me, our kids. His relationship with the kids, and how they feel as they get older, about themselves and him, is my main concern. How can he be convinced of getting help?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

You can’t make someone be something they are not and dang sure not into who you want them to be. He already knows he’s a failure.... he just needs to be able to blame it on you.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He can’t be convinced. He’s not concerned about you or his children. This is who he is and he’s okay with that. You’ll have to let it go.


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## placeholder (Mar 8, 2020)

I agree that I definitely can't make someone into what they aren't, or how I want them to be. I have never implied he was a failure to him, I don't see him that way, and that would be a cruel thing to do. Even after all of our collasal amount of crap, I can't treat someone like that. But maybe that's how he sees himself. I've been encouraging (for most part); tried to be empathetic, I realise he has a difficult upbringing, and I try to approach him (in the past) with an understanding of all he's been through and with kindness and honesty, much kinder than how he's approached me or dealt with my issues. Now, well now, I treat him closer to how he treats me and kids, not bad, but more cut and dry, in past 4 or so months. He's not a fan of that. I've always been his biggest cheerleader, and even then he gets annoyed with me, because I guess I go about it wrong and get too fired up about any injustice. Whatever, I guess it's his problem. I was reading an article last night that husbands that women have "given up on" make great second husbands. Great. I spent my youth trying so hard. I'm done with all relationships once he and I split. 

Thanks for the feedback.


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## placeholder (Mar 8, 2020)

Openminded said:


> He can’t be convinced. He’s not concerned about you or his children. This is who he is and he’s okay with that. You’ll have to let it go.


Makes sense. But that's so not fair to his kids. It's just wrong. Why should they have doubts and issues going forward when things can be mended, just by h making some changes and getting help? Doesn't that play into his feelings he is a failure?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

placeholder said:


> Makes sense. But that's so not fair to his kids. It's just wrong. Why should they have doubts and issues going forward when things can be mended, just by h making some changes and getting help? Doesn't that play into his feelings he is a failure?


No, it’s never fair to the kids but people like him just don’t care about that. He may use “feeling he is a failure” to keep you from discussing any and all things but my guess is that deep down he doesn’t really believe that or he would do something about it. As it is, it’s really meant to make you feel sorry for poor little him.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

What was the cheating?

Edit: No need to respond. I read your earlier posts in another discussion.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

It's refreshing to read about someone who isn't making their STBX into the enemy. 

You can point out having to buy a cheaper lawnmower doesn't make a man a failure. If he doesn't listen, it may just be b/c he thinks it buys him something w/ you. Once you leave, maybe he'll stop. 

If not, you tried. "You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make him drink."

I


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Your husband IS a failure. The person who he had failed the most? Himself.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> *Your husband IS a failure. The person who he had failed the most? Himself.*


SO true. He's a failure in *every* sense of the word and you just keep trying to fix him.

Surely you're old enough to know by now that you can't FIX people?

*



He gave up on us when he repeatedly cheated and/or disrespected our relationship and family.

Click to expand...

*This really says it all. He's a complete failure as a husband, a father, and a human being.

PERIOD.

Just be done with him already and stop trying to constantly 'fix' him all the time.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

placeholder said:


> Do I just let him fall apart and do nothing whilst the kids and I witness it? *Doesn't seem humane...*


Why not? Not your problem soon.

If I was in your shoes I would be smiling watching him dig himself into a grave.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

placeholder said:


> How can he be convinced of getting help?


I've read your other thread as well. 

A lot of this is a character issue and until they can invent some kind of character transplant, I don't think there is really much hope in him having true, lasting change in character. He's simply not a good husband/father candidate. You gave him many more chances and tolerated more bad behavior than you should have. 

Getting away and creating your own life for yourself is the right track. 

He is who and what he is. Some day your children will be able to determine if they want him in their lives or not and if they don't, it is his loss and is the bed he made himself.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

I would continue with your detaching. That is the healthiest thing you can do for yourself. Move forward with the divorce methodically and without pause. You'll be so much happier.


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## placeholder (Mar 8, 2020)

Thank you for the replies.

One thing I find weird, and I'm not sure it's something to do with the mind of a serial cheater or whatever, but h is very stubborn about anything I ask of him. Example, he set up most of the household bills, most of which we pay online or automatic through our joint account, but he uses his email address and gets all correspondence through his email. I would have ideally liked it set up with a joint email for such things, and not used personal email, but whatever. For me to gain access, I have to ask what the account username is and password, as he refuses to give me a complete record of account names and passwords. I have a list I put together, but it's like I have to be detective. If he changes, I have to find out on my own if I can't log in. He said for decades that he will add me on the accounts and give me full list of accounts/passwords for bills and such, but he doesn't. I cannot get into his laptop, though he said he would give me access. This has been going on, in varying degrees, since the beginning. It's been a major issue, along with the cheating. The odd thing is, these are household bills. Car, utilities. Nothing secretive. Not sure his need to control all this. For bills in my name, because we don't have joint household email account, and I'm sure most couples don't, I use my personal email, but send him copies of transactions and arrangements, dates etc. I also set up calendar for us to input info. He rarely keeps up with that. I have given him a complete list of username and passwords in the past. I too have failed to keep him updated because it just seemed a waste of my time and effort which annoyed me. He just doesn't care so why should I care if he has access, as the bills in my name are less important bills. An up to current, consolidated list would be beneficial when he has to change passwords. Also if something were to happen to one of us, we could have access to bills etc during a difficult time and not have to play detective or get locked out of accounts. I've discussed these reasons, especially after taking care of my father when he was ill for a number of years and then his death. I avoided additional heartache by making sure I got access to his accounts before he got very ill and wouldn't be able to tell me. He knows this is important to me. He doesn't care. (but claims he does)

The other night I decided to ask him about the papers I gave him months back. I hadn't mentioned in months, on purpose, so he couldn't accuse me of nagging or such. He replied he would follow through with them. I said it's been over six months, and perhaps he should evaluate what I/this marriage means to him, holistically. He said I am the most important person to him. He followed up with that it seems I don't want this relationship, regardless of what I say. That I say one thing but act another and that he didn't like the way I treat him, and that I didn't have to mention the papers at all. Furthermore, he thinks I will never trust him no matter what he does. That no matter what he says or does, that I will accuse him of projecting and gaslighting. I told him to stop playing the victim and to grow up. He's had six months to write down account passwords, where I don't have to be detective, and to do financial meetings together, and to make more time with his kids. Most of my "demands" are easy af. He has done some research on narcisstists and clearly is somehow trying to flip the script. He's been extra nice the last couple of days, washing dishes and given compliments, like I'm upset because of lame crap or some nonsense. Such BS. We used to talk and at least have that when things looked bleak, but he barely even listens to me in fun convos. He talks over me, doesn't pay attention to my voice, until I mention again he doesn't. He never even entertains my opinion on anything, like even stupid things like bathroom colors or garden stuff. My value is reduced daily. I honestly don't know how he can say I'm the most important person to him. He doesn't see/hear me. He doesn't care. He thinks I'm a decent mom and sweet. That's the extent he knows of me. He proves that time and again. How can I when he looks outside of us all the time? What else can I offer that a few other women cannot?

My therapist and I both agree that being together was definitely better for the kids. Due to my h's family of origin issues, he sucks at relationships. I couldn't take the chance that he would future fake with my kids and be an in/out of life dad, like he had (he's had a philandering mom and uninvolved bio dad and apathetic stepfather that raised him but had no interest in him even as a toddler) and so I made the best of the sucky situation. He is a present father, and at times surprisingly involved in a good way. But now is time to keep on the path. I could be in it, if he was, I could if he gave a crap. But clearly, it's not in him, and it's too easy to look outward and blame me and others than to help heal himself. All he had to do is own up, own up he didn't look. Explain that he didn't know why he doesn't or why he didn't. Anything. But he doesn't care. So why should I?

Thanks again.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

placeholder said:


> Thank you for the replies.
> 
> One thing I find weird, and I'm not sure it's something to do with the mind of a serial cheater or whatever, but h is very stubborn about anything I ask of him. Example, he set up most of the household bills, most of which we pay online or automatic through our joint account, but he uses his email address and gets all correspondence through his email. I would have ideally liked it set up with a joint email for such things, and not used personal email, but whatever. For me to gain access, I have to ask what the account username is and password, as he refuses to give me a complete record of account names and passwords. I have a list I put together, but it's like I have to be detective. If he changes, I have to find out on my own if I can't log in. He said for decades that he will add me on the accounts and give me full list of accounts/passwords for bills and such, but he doesn't. I cannot get into his laptop, though he said he would give me access. This has been going on, in varying degrees, since the beginning. It's been a major issue, along with the cheating. The odd thing is, these are household bills. Car, utilities. Nothing secretive. Not sure his need to control all this. For bills in my name, because we don't have joint household email account, and I'm sure most couples don't, I use my personal email, but send him copies of transactions and arrangements, dates etc. I also set up calendar for us to input info. He rarely keeps up with that. I have given him a complete list of username and passwords in the past. I too have failed to keep him updated because it just seemed a waste of my time and effort which annoyed me. He just doesn't care so why should I care if he has access, as the bills in my name are less important bills. An up to current, consolidated list would be beneficial when he has to change passwords. Also if something were to happen to one of us, we could have access to bills etc during a difficult time and not have to play detective or get locked out of accounts. I've discussed these reasons, especially after taking care of my father when he was ill for a number of years and then his death. I avoided additional heartache by making sure I got access to his accounts before he got very ill and wouldn't be able to tell me. He knows this is important to me. He doesn't care. (but claims he does)
> 
> ...


Most people that are not sexually faithful are not financially faithful either. 

If they don't respect you enough to stay out of other people's beds, they are not going to respect you enough to honest financially either. 

They usually cheat just as much financially as they do sexually.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

oldshirt said:


> Most people that are not sexually faithful are not financially faithful either.
> 
> If they don't respect you enough to stay out of other people's beds, they are not going to respect you enough to honest financially either.
> 
> They usually cheat just as much financially as they do sexually.


I totally agree with that. I lived it for decades.


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## placeholder (Mar 8, 2020)

I totally get what both of you, oldshirt and Openminded, are saying. It makes sense. The thing that's not logical to me is why would one choose to hoard utility info. What benefit is it to him to make accessing an electric bill or gas bill difficult? He could just think of this more manipulatively, along the lines of giving me what I ask for and keeping some other things private??? Just to throw me off. That would be devious and deceitful, but would make sense to someone with his history. Why be a pain the arse and make it so hard for me to pay a household bill, which I do when he doesn't anyway. He's also like a martyr, like if I offer to contact a utility he says 'no, I will do it', but then he doesn't, or he does it and then mentions it like he does so much. Its not like I sit idle and wait for him to do everything. He chooses to do this task or that task, he makes a point to say he will, then after he does it, at some later time, he uses it as some sort of gold star moment for him or something. Sort of like "look at all I do, and you have the nerve to complain I stick my d in some other women; or I talk to whomever I want and make it a point to tell them I don't care how that makes you feel"? Ofc he doesn't say that, that's the attitude. He has said in past to get my anxiety under control, anxiety disorder is on some level of serial infidelities. 

Anyway, about the bills, it's not logical, almost like he wants to start strife but then doesn't have the balls to follow up with it. What advantage is it to not create a profile on his laptop for me to access bills easier, if he doesn't want to give me his login? Why not just make the damn list I ask for (instead of me playing detective), just to shut me up? It's like wtf is up with him? 

Thanks again.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He’s the only one who knows the answer to why he does this stuff. You could ask but you’ll not likely ever get the truth. For whatever reason, he likes keeping you off balance (and doesn’t care if you’re upset or annoyed or whatever).


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## placeholder (Mar 8, 2020)

Openminded said:


> He’s the only one who knows the answer to why he does this stuff. You could ask but you’ll not likely ever get the truth. For whatever reason, he likes keeping you off balance (and doesn’t care if you’re upset or annoyed or whatever).


Yeah. I don't think I would get a straight answer. It's weird how their minds work. Even when they don't need to lie or hide, they do. What an exhausting way for them to live. 

I think that he resents me. He resents himself. I'm the idiot that makes it so difficult for him to fulfill his own self-loathing. I should have never given him one tiny second chance. Some people are worthy of second chances and some are not. I think he's being passive-aggressive, the very thing he likes to throw at me. Lying and hiding is who he is. Last summer, I found he was chatting with someone on online game, it was for awhile, maybe several months to years. Who tf knows. He said it was nothing, totally platonic. It may have been, but he hid it from me to avoid the scrutiny and 3rd degree I would give him (his explanation). Those few limited conversations, that would be uncomfortable for him, was more of a deterrent in telling me than our honesty together. All this while pledging radical honesty. I gave him months to disclose. He never did. He even went as far as to accuse me of gaslighting him! My time was in helping my children and family grieve. He knew this. He's had time to confess. I even gave him a clean slate clause in the papers, limited offer. He likes me to be complacent and dumb. 

He doesn't want this marriage, he just doesn't not want this marriage. I'm the bad guy, but I'm sure starting to not care. I've hidden my husband's secret for so many years, like it was my shame. It's not mine.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

placeholder said:


> I totally get what both of you, oldshirt and Openminded, are saying. It makes sense. The thing that's not logical to me is why would one choose to hoard utility info. What benefit is it to him to make accessing an electric bill or gas bill difficult? He could just think of this more manipulatively, along the lines of giving me what I ask for and keeping some other things private??? Just to throw me off. That would be devious and deceitful, but would make sense to someone with his history. Why be a pain the arse and make it so hard for me to pay a household bill, which I do when he doesn't anyway. He's also like a martyr, like if I offer to contact a utility he says 'no, I will do it', but then he doesn't, or he does it and then mentions it like he does so much. Its not like I sit idle and wait for him to do everything. He chooses to do this task or that task, he makes a point to say he will, then after he does it, at some later time, he uses it as some sort of gold star moment for him or something. Sort of like "look at all I do, and you have the nerve to complain I stick my d in some other women; or I talk to whomever I want and make it a point to tell them I don't care how that makes you feel"? Ofc he doesn't say that, that's the attitude. He has said in past to get my anxiety under control, and that he has issues and could f anyone he wanted but he doesn't because he works on it (stellar moment, as it was the weekend of my first father's day without my dad and I was having some epic emotions, but hey, my husband thinks anxiety disorder is on some level of serial infidelities).
> 
> Anyway, about the bills, it's not logical, almost like he wants to start strife but then doesn't have the balls to follow up with it. What advantage is it to not create a profile on his laptop for me to access bills easier, if he doesn't want to give me his login? Why not just make the damn list I ask for (instead of me playing detective), just to shut me up? It's like wtf is up with him?
> 
> Thanks again.


Cheaters do not think, feel or act like decent people. What they do often does not seem logical or rational to decent person.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@placeholder Some people are misers in the traditional sense.









But some people are misers of a different type. They want to hoard knowledge and information, because this, they feel, puts them in a position of importance because they know things other people don't know. It empowers them, because otherwise they feel weak and powerless.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

@placeholder, you have been a martyr long enough. Your husband likes having the control


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

placeholder said:


> Do I just let him fall apart and do nothing whilst the kids and I witness it?





placeholder said:


> I've hidden my husband's secret for so many years, like it was my shame. It's not mine.


Ecclesiastes 8:11 (KJV)
*Because sentence against an evil work is not executed speedily, therefore the heart of the sons of men is fully set in them to do evil.* 

Do not hide his secret any longer, let EVERYONE witness it. That is how the "sentence" will come, and your husband will be given a chance to repent of his evil, and turn toward the right and the good. He may, or may not, take this chance. But your kids will know the REAL story.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

First think I want to say is you guys are so against each other. You guys are not a team at all. He wants to be in control, he wants you at a full arms length away, and he also wants to always be the victim. 
The household bills thing is crazy to me. It would drive me insane. Like whyyyy!!! Yes he has passive aggressive personality. These people are terrible. And they are extremely exhausting and they turn you a little crazy at times. 

My problem is... why are you so secretive about wanting the leave him? Because your kind of on the fence right? You really want him to change, but you know if he doesn’t you can’t stay with him. Why don’t you outright tell him you want a trial separation? Because I think that will be 100% better than blind siding him and serving him with papers one day, because I can tell you he will 100% punish you for doing this and I think you know that.


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## placeholder (Mar 8, 2020)

Thanks everyone. Yeah so same old same old, eh? H is being a bit of a better mate recently. Still hasn't given me the account/password list he mentioned he would (again) November 3rd or 4th. He is being a little more involved with kids, and generally less of a grump. Maybe because he is feeling guilty, or some renewed energy from chatting with his old gaming friend he made out with and sexted a few years back.

See, I recently saw that Facebook messenger added a vanish mode. It autodeletes messages. I was curious and it's been about 6 weeks since I looked at his messenger contacts. So sure enough, there she is again. Her Facebook is suddenly less open than before (yes, I snooped on her on ocassion) and she and my h follow now each other (again, he stopped years back), AND she is a contact on messenger, which means that there has been recent back and forth communication from these two. I haven't disclosed to him I saw this.

Just fking tell me there has been contact. Let me deal with it in open and not hide. The timeline they have communicated is about the last 4-5 weeks, so it explains a lot of his a-holery before his more recent niceness. She knows I don't like the contact, he knows I don't like the contact. He is just giving the message to her that he doesn't give a f, that I don't matter and that my thoughts and feelings on this don't matter, that our marriage and relationship don't matter. I have no idea what to make of all this. She is not that interesting according to her fb profile, so i don't know the unique attributes she has that has him not care about his family. She is an older, married woman, older than his mom and closer to my mom's age, and I know she loves the attention of my husband, as she finds him very attractive, and she has a lot of male followers. My husband is apparently just an empty person, no amount of love or attention is enough, probably from his neglected and abusive childhood, but that's what shrinks are for! Not sure if they met up again since the pandemic is still high here and he's taking distancing seriously.

Furthermore, I am sort of grossed out by him physically. It's taken a lot of therapy on my part to feel more engaged and affectionate with him. It was a good year or more after he made out with her that I wasn't grossed out to kiss him. So yeah. That's it for now. I may have to accelerate my timeline to cut the ties.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

placeholder said:


> Thanks everyone. Yeah so same old same old, eh? H is being a bit of a better mate recently. Still hasn't given me the account/password list he mentioned he would (again) November 3rd or 4th. He is being a little more involved with kids, and generally less of a grump. Maybe because he is feeling guilty, or some renewed energy from chatting with his old gaming friend he made out with and sexted a few years back.
> 
> See, I recently saw that Facebook messenger added a vanish mode. It autodeletes messages. I was curious and it's been about 6 weeks since I looked at his messenger contacts. So sure enough, there she is again. Her Facebook is suddenly less open than before (yes, I snooped on her on ocassion) and she and my h follow now each other (again, he stopped years back), AND she is a contact on messenger, which means that there has been recent back and forth communication from these two. I haven't disclosed to him I saw this.
> 
> ...


Well, you have eyes wide open on this situation now I’d say. That sucks but not surprising from what you write about him. What’s your plan?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

There are people who are always going to do what they want to do regardless of how it impacts others — especially their families. They don’t feel that anyone has the right to ask anything of them that they might infringe on their “rights”. Those people shouldn’t marry but they always do because one of their “rights” is to be taken care of while they’re doing all those things they feel entitled to do. 

I was married to someone like that for decades. I don’t recommend it. If you can fast-forward your plan to get out, by all means do it. If you can’t, keep your head down, slide through life and carry on until you can. He may not make it easy to get out, since you’ll be upsetting his life and he thinks he’s the only one who matters, so be prepared for him to push back. You’ll soon be done.


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## placeholder (Mar 8, 2020)

Girl_power said:


> times.
> 
> My problem is... why are you so secretive about


I'm secretive because I am not financially ready to make a move, I am not ready to disrupt the kids' lives without a bit more security and a little safety net for them. There are some issues I need to work out, and they need to work out, before I make a move.

You see, I care too much. I am being unreasonable. I am trying to take away who he is, his freedom. Haha. Whatever. I have made plenty of my own mistakes and am completely flawed. But I am working on myself all the time.


Once I'm single, I'm never getting involved with anyone again. I've had enough mindfcking to last a lifetime plus. What I mention here is just scratching the surface of the crap I've dealt with. I know I'm just now incapable of making good relationship choices and I don't want to punish anyone else with my baggage issues. I will focus on my own recovery and helping my children with theirs.

Honesty, I know this is all very long, but is it too much to ask that he not have contact with someone that liked him and naughty talked with him, then met up with, made out with, and then hid from me and said that he wasn't sure he wouldn't have slept with her if I didn't find out? The same person that he would look up on Facebook even earlier this year and I told him this was upsetting to me and told him why and he said he understood and wouldn't do so again ever!? Am I being unreasonable??

Sorry for the length😞


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

placeholder said:


> Once I'm single, I'm never getting involved with anyone again. I've had enough mindfcking to last a lifetime plus. What I mention here is just scratching the surface of the crap I've dealt with. I know I'm just now incapable of making good relationship choices and I don't want to punish anyone else with my baggage issues. I will focus on my own recovery and helping my children with theirs.


I'm really sorry to hear that so much damage has come to you that you can't see a future in a relationship with anybody. That's very sad. If there's a way to channel your issues away from that idea, I'd try that direction.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Of course, you’re not being unreasonable — far from it. You’ve put up with much more than many would have. It’s understandable not to want another relationship after surviving a bad one. I’ve considered a new relationship since my divorce and (so far) I’ve decided against it. But give yourself some time and see how you feel down the road. No rush. For now just focus on getting rid of him.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Your situation is just more proof that you always need to pay more attention to what people do and how they act and less attention to what they say and the excuses they make and the illusions they live under. I imagine your guy envisions someone living exactly as he wants to in the exact circumstances he's totally comfortable with and doesn't really know a thing about a partnership or compromise. 

I'm not exactly criticizing it except it doesn't sound like he has much self-awareness. I mean some people just know they're not going to adapt to being someone's partner because they know themselves that well. Then some people just assert how they want it to be but they have no way of getting there because they're not willing to make any changes and are not suitable for a partnership.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

OP....read my thread entitled My Story.

I think you'll see many parallels between your hb and my ex. Fortunately for me my kids aren't his and we never mixed finances, and I make good money.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

There‘s nothing easy about this process. It’s by far the most difficult thing I’ve ever dealt with. But you _will_ get through it and life _will_ be better. Believe it.


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