# never thought I'd consider divorce. LONG



## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Ok. I've got to get this out. I know I've posted the same type of topic over and over on here, but it just continues and continues and I feel like I'm losing my mind unless I get some of it out. I am finding it hard to talk to others about what is going on in my marriage. Partly, I'm ashamed. Partly, I just don't know what to say. Partly, I don't want to burden anyone else with my problems. 

I feel embarrassed, or ashamed, because we have only been married for 7 months and everything has fallen apart. It seems like it started right from the beginning. Now that I look at it, maybe even before the wedding, but I figured it was the stress of planning and of being apart a lot of the summer before the wedding. He worked a lot, I was at my parent's house planning. But, so many issues have come up that aren't even being dealt with and we have now been married 7 months and I've been considering getting out of this marriage for quite a few of those months.

This is my first marriage, his 2nd. He is 36, I am 30. He has 2 kids, but doesn't spend any time with them. When we were dating, I believed it was mostly his ex's fault (that she wouldn’t allow him to see the kids) and was because of his job at the time. Now that he has a job where he has much more time available, especially in the winter, I find that he just chooses not to see his kids anymore. He went from our wedding on July 29th until after Christmas before he saw his kids and now he hasn’t seen his kids since then. He doesn't even call them even though they have their own cell phones. He blames it on his ex, but she was mad at him for not calling the kids, too. I think he got his feelings hurt because his kids don't want to see him, so he just quit. It's difficult to want to have children with someone who does this. When I ask him to help me understand why he chooses to do this, he will clam up and not talk. When he does finally tell me something, it is in anger and yelling. I’ve told him over and over that I don’t understand and I can’t understand unless he helps me understand by talking to me. All I can do is go by what I see and what I know. If it’s different than my perception, then he’s going to have to help me understand what is going on.

We've been married 7 months and we've had sex a total of 3 times. One of those times was on our honeymoon. He will not initiate. On our wedding night we fought because his crazy mother was interfering with our night by texting him about his son. We haven't been together since October. Most nights he doesn't even sleep in our bed. At this point, I am happier when he is not in there, but I have never pushed him out. He just chooses to sleep elsewhere and then always tells me that he just accidentally fell asleep watching tv. However, he is awake enough to turn off the tv and/or move to another spot, so he is making the choice. December and January, he was hardly in our bed. Then he came in and said he needed to sleep in the bed because the couch was hurting his back. I told him I never pushed him out. He was there off and on for a week, now he is back on the couch. His choice again, and again denying it. So, absolutely no sex between us. I want to have children more than anything, so this is very frustrating. Although, at this point, I do not see myself having children with him for many reasons. And, at this point, I don’t have any desire to have him physically touch me in any way. I hate feeling that way, and hate that it has come to this, but it is the truth. I fought with him for months over this, and tried to talk him through being nervous about initiating, and nothing ever changed. I guess now I’ve just given up on it.

We have many other problems as well. Problems that he refuses to talk about and refuses to work on . It’s like he thinks that if he just forgets about things, then it will go away. Just like his kids, and his family. I just don’t know how I can do this anymore. I’ve grown to NOT love this person I am married to, and I don’t know if there is any way to fix this. I don’t want to waste my time being with someone if it’s going to go nowhere in the end. I don’t want to be with someone with no chance of having children when that is something we both agreed we wanted in the beginning. He has not slept in our bed again for 5 days and I don’t see that ending anytime soon. We don’t talk much. When we do, it only takes a few words before one of us is upset and snappy. I’m so tired of trying to talk about things and work on getting things better with no help from him. He says he is sorry. He will do nice things like send me flowers for Valentine’s day and cook me dinner, but we never get past the underlying problems because he won’t talk about anything. He is a nice guy, but he doesn’t seem to want to share anything with me as a couple. As husband and wife. And I’m tired of fighting this and trying. I’ve fought with him day in and day out about talking to me since we married. 
Any advice or to hear a similar story would be appreciated. If not, thanks for letting me vent.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Well my blushing bride I think, hung up a big "Mission Accomplished" banner in her head the day we got married. In fact in retrospect I believe she married me (she asked me) was to get back at her mother. And that toxic insane relationship is way way more important to her than her own marriage. So I was left to conclude that she figured she could abuse the hell out of me and it would never matter. Which, sadly is kind of true. Sure I have self esteem issues but at this point I figure I'm just ruined for any normal relationship for anyone else. It's a dead relationship. But I think my key mistake was to fail to understand that she's committed to making me as miserable and hateful as she is.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

> Problems that he refuses to talk about and refuses to work on . It’s like he thinks that if he just forgets about things, then it will go away.


I think this is how he has dealt with most things in his life. His ex, his kids, your marriage, and probably a lot of other things. 

He probably needs counseling to learn a better way.

I would make an ultimatum of counseling or leave. If hes not willing to treat you better or go to counseling, you should at least separate and see if he is willing to change. If hes not willing to change his ways, leave him. Don't stick around miserable for another 6 months, year, or several years. It will only get worse without change.


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