# Beyond angry and so over it



## travellover (Aug 6, 2012)

My WH continues to gaslight and trickle truth me. All he has admitted to was some “innocent” flirting via text messages. Some of the “innocent” texts include: _I’ll be thinking about you, big kisses for you, I miss you already, and making plans to see her._ In early October I sent a short FB message to the OW telling her to stop calling and texting my husband. They just switched to calling and talking on his work phone. Last night I received a response from her. These are the highlights from what she wrote. *I am fully aware of who you are and what you are to (H). A wife on a piece of paper. That's really all . * I've never been inappropriate in a relationship I was in .... only a crazy insecure b*tch like you would assume that. *I hear inappropriate relationships are not out of the question for you.* *Too bad - (H) deserves better.* I don't decide who your husband talks to and clearly you don't either. 

I showed told my WH the message when he came home. He claims he doesn’t know why she would send that. I said she is either delusional because she thinks something is going on between you two or something is going on between you two. For a very long time, my WH would accuse me of lying to him, ask why I had to start work when I did, why I was wearing what I was wearing, you get the picture. During the occasional business trips I had to take, he made life very unpleasant just before and during the trip. Calling constantly or expecting me to check in to the point coworkers noticed. Of course, I now realize he was projecting. 

As much as I thought I wanted to try R, I know it’s not possible if he won’t even admit to what’s been going on and I’m pretty sure he’s getting off on this attention. Last night I asked him how often he talks and texts with her on the work phone and he said he doesn’t know. This has been a popular answer since I suspected something until I recently began doing the 180. I asked him if he would get a copy from his work of the phone records. He got angry and said if they think something is going on with someone at work he’ll be fired. Interesting answer. I have a response written for the OW, but not sure I even need to send it. Telling him to move out tonight.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

So sorry this is happening to you. He may wake up when you ask him to move out. If some woman talked to my wife that way I would give her a piece of my mind. Sounds like he wasn't even mad about it.

Go hard on this one.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

Sorry for the situation your H is causing you.

Note, in most cases he legally does not have to move out so you need do somethings.

Get VARs and put them in appropriate places where you suspect he has been contacting the OW

Get a keylogger for the computer

Get your finances in order so that you can deal with this and not have this be an overbearing weight on you.

Contact an attorney and find out your options.

Make a list of why you would want to R and why you wouldn't want to R and weigh it out in your mind if an R is worth it.

Maybe have your H take a Polygraph if he is so insistent that this is not an issue. If it isn't H should have no problem.

Continue the 180.

Just some initial thoughts


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

travellover said:


> My WH continues to gaslight and trickle truth me. All he has admitted to was some “innocent” flirting via text messages. Some of the “innocent” texts include: _I’ll be thinking about you, big kisses for you, I miss you already, and making plans to see her._ In early October I sent a short FB message to the OW telling her to stop calling and texting my husband. They just switched to calling and talking on his work phone. Last night I received a response from her. These are the highlights from what she wrote. *I am fully aware of who you are and what you are to (H). A wife on a piece of paper. That's really all . * I've never been inappropriate in a relationship I was in .... only a crazy insecure b*tch like you would assume that. *I hear inappropriate relationships are not out of the question for you.* *Too bad - (H) deserves better.* I don't decide who your husband talks to and clearly you don't either.
> 
> I showed told my WH the message when he came home. He claims he doesn’t know why she would send that. I said she is either delusional because she thinks something is going on between you two or something is going on between you two. For a very long time, my WH would accuse me of lying to him, ask why I had to start work when I did, why I was wearing what I was wearing, you get the picture. During the occasional business trips I had to take, he made life very unpleasant just before and during the trip. Calling constantly or expecting me to check in to the point coworkers noticed. Of course, I now realize he was projecting.
> 
> As much as I thought I wanted to try R, I know it’s not possible if he won’t even admit to what’s been going on and I’m pretty sure he’s getting off on this attention. Last night I asked him how often he talks and texts with her on the work phone and he said he doesn’t know. This has been a popular answer since I suspected something until I recently began doing the 180. I asked him if he would get a copy from his work of the phone records. He got angry and said if they think something is going on with someone at work he’ll be fired. Interesting answer. I have a response written for the OW, but not sure I even need to send it. Telling him to move out tonight.


You're doing great.

I would place a VAR in his car, install spyware on the computer and his phone if you can. Also look for a burner phone in his car.


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## travellover (Aug 6, 2012)

Gabriel said:


> So sorry this is happening to you. He may wake up when you ask him to move out. If some woman talked to my wife that way I would give her a piece of my mind. Sounds like he wasn't even mad about it.
> 
> Go hard on this one.


And I left out the really nasty stuff.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Yeah he needs to move out. Tell him to come back when hes ready to re enter the marriage, and go completely NC. 

Also keep him out for at least a few weeks. Many 'move outs' don't hit home on just how serious it is when the WS just sleeps in their parents house or a hotel for a few days cause the BS lets them back near instantly. 

When hes out of his home for weeks and you're giving no guarantees on if/when he can come back, it'll sink in, and you can see just how remorseful he truly is. 

If hes getting pissy about it he is DEFINITELY not remorseful. 

Hes gonna need to make amends and this is while not sleeping in the marital bed. 

My Uncle kicked out his 2nd wife. Everyone was pissed at her, but she made amends. For the two months though she was out of their house but my uncle says she still made sure he had home cooked meals each day. (He can't do much past putting food on a pan or in hot oil)


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## travellover (Aug 6, 2012)

rrrbbbttt said:


> Sorry for the situation your H is causing you.
> 
> Note, in most cases he legally does not have to move out so you need do somethings.
> 
> ...


I appreciate the time you took to respond.


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## travellover (Aug 6, 2012)

Kasler said:


> Yeah he needs to move out. Tell him to come back when hes ready to re enter the marriage, and go completely NC.
> 
> Also keep him out for at least a few weeks. Many 'move outs' don't hit home on just how serious it is when the WS just sleeps in their parents house or a hotel for a few days cause the BS lets them back near instantly.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## travellover (Aug 6, 2012)

travellover said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You are so right. He's basically shown no remorse at all. I'm hoping the hardest part was telling him to go. I know that I can't will him to recommit to the marriage. So I guess that whatever happens from this point out, at least I know that I tried everything I could to make this work
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

travellover said:


> You are so right. He's basically shown no remorse at all. I'm hoping the hardest part was telling him to go. I know that I can't will him to recommit to the marriage. So I guess that whatever happens from this point out, at least I know that I tried everything I could to make this work
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Im sorry for your pain because I do know how painful it is. Sometimes when I read posts on here I can actually feel the pain of another person going through this. I remember so vividly how it felt as if it was only yesterday!


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

travellover said:


> I appreciate the time you took to respond.


So sorry Travel.

I'm a big propponent of not venting to other people about specific issues in your marriage but that rule only applies when the intimacy and openness still exists. You vent to your spouse about your spouse LOL. Your husband has destroyed both the intimacy and openness. 

You're on the right path.


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## travellover (Aug 6, 2012)

Dad&Hubby said:


> So sorry Travel.
> 
> I'm a big propponent of not venting to other people about specific issues in your marriage but that rule only applies when the intimacy and openness still exists. You vent to your spouse about your spouse LOL. Your husband has destroyed both the intimacy and openness.
> 
> You're on the right path.


Thanks. I only called him a f*cker when I walked in the room and found him setting up a new email address. I had to great all previous emails for him. I also peeked at his phone and saw that he had been looking at women seeking men ads. So im guessing that this was what the new email was necessary for. I was so mad, I thought I texted my friend "caught the f*cker setting up a new email address". Accidentally sent it to my husband. They have the same first letter. Guess that parts a little funny.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jumperdono (Nov 9, 2012)

He may wake up when you ask him to move out.


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## travellover (Aug 6, 2012)

jumperdono said:


> He may wake up when you ask him to move out.


H has been out of the house since Thursday pm. We've had minimal contact-just a few questions about checking account, etc. I'm finding that my emotions are all over the place. One second I feel strong and that I will be ok no matter what. Then I'm sad if a certain thought or memory catches me off guard. Then I'm angry that this is going on. I'm guessing that this is what being in _limbo _ feels like?? Went to the gym and worked out. Post workout felt great. Was riding home listening to music, a song came on and so did the tears. Then I get angry with myself for crying once again. I'm assuming that this is pretty typical. If anyone thinks it's not, could you please let me know? :scratchhead:


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

travellover said:


> H has been out of the house since Thursday pm. We've had minimal contact-just a few questions about checking account, etc. I'm finding that my emotions are all over the place. One second I feel strong and that I will be ok no matter what. Then I'm sad if a certain thought or memory catches me off guard. Then I'm angry that this is going on. I'm guessing that this is what being in _limbo _ feels like?? Went to the gym and worked out. Post workout felt great. Was riding home listening to music, a song came on and so did the tears. Then I get angry with myself for crying once again. I'm assuming that this is pretty typical. If anyone thinks it's not, could you please let me know? :scratchhead:


I just wanted to check on you and see how you are doing. Its been a few days since Ive seen you post.

Hope you are well.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

travellover said:


> H has been out of the house since Thursday pm. We've had minimal contact-just a few questions about checking account, etc. I'm finding that my emotions are all over the place. One second I feel strong and that I will be ok no matter what. Then I'm sad if a certain thought or memory catches me off guard. Then I'm angry that this is going on. I'm guessing that this is what being in _limbo _ feels like?? Went to the gym and worked out. Post workout felt great. Was riding home listening to music, a song came on and so did the tears. Then I get angry with myself for crying once again. I'm assuming that this is pretty typical. If anyone thinks it's not, could you please let me know? :scratchhead:


Totally typical, it is a really wild emotional roller coaster.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Stay strong. You're doing the right thing in going to the gym. See if they have yoga classes there. Keep posting. Other posters like LetdownNTx can feel your pain and strength. 

Don't cave in or you'll be in deeper waters. You should contact a lawyer and secure your bank funds. The last thing you need is to find out he's cleaned you out. 

If they work together consider going to HR and reqest a copy of their non-frat policy. Take it home and read it. He'll find out just how serious you are.


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## travellover (Aug 6, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> I just wanted to check on you and see how you are doing. Its been a few days since Ive seen you post.
> 
> Hope you are well.


LetDownNTX

Your kindness just made me smile. This week has been ok. All weekend H kept calling and telling me he missed me, etc. On Sunday he said he couldn't continue to stay where he was so I said he should come back. I'm continuing to do the 180. This entire week he's been asking where I am, where I'm going the same nonsense as before. I know that nothing is different. Last night I didn't ask where he had been, but he apparently felt the need to explain and gave me some lame story that was obviously not true. When I spoke with my IC (I hope that's the right abbreviation) she said that he may view my actions in the 180 as just accepting what he's doing. I guess at this point, it doesn't really matter since I'm doing it for ME. I haven't cried at all this week so I guess that's a good sign? :smthumbup:

I am beyond grateful that I found this site when I did. I try to share things that I hope will help others and let's just say that when people care enough to ask how a stranger is doing, it really restores my faith in the human race. It's pretty easy to get jaded these days.

LetDownNTX I hope this conveys what you did for me today. Thank you and I hope you are well also.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

travellover said:


> LetDownNTX
> 
> Your kindness just made me smile. This week has been ok. All weekend H kept calling and telling me he missed me, etc. On Sunday he said he couldn't continue to stay where he was so I said he should come back. I'm continuing to do the 180. This entire week he's been asking where I am, where I'm going the same nonsense as before. I know that nothing is different. Last night I didn't ask where he had been, but he apparently felt the need to explain and gave me some lame story that was obviously not true. When I spoke with my IC (I hope that's the right abbreviation) she said that he may view my actions in the 180 as just accepting what he's doing. I guess at this point, it doesn't really matter since I'm doing it for ME. I haven't cried at all this week so I guess that's a good sign? :smthumbup:
> 
> ...


This forum has helped me see a lot of things within myself, everyone is so caring and compassionate. I guess it has rubbed off on me! There are always people who care, if you look in the right direction! Im glad to hear you are feeling a little better about the situation and doing the 180 for yourself.

I didnt think that I could do the 180 completely without making my situation worse so I just did what I could of it and havent been giving anymore to WH or the relationship then he has been giving. That seems to work for me.

Keep us updated!


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## Mtts (Apr 16, 2012)

I think everything is great except that fact he's back. I can say that in my own situation I decided it was I leave or her. No wishy washy living together as it just doesn't work.


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## cali_chick (Oct 18, 2012)

So he's moving back into the house? 

What's the game plan from here on out? 

You're educated and smart with no kids? That's a pretty good position to have, considering.


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## travellover (Aug 6, 2012)

Mtts said:


> I think everything is great except that fact he's back. I can say that in my own situation I decided it was I leave or her. No wishy washy living together as it just doesn't work.


I agree. Not thrilled that he's back. Limited financial resources are prohibiting a different arrangement for now. I am definitely not wishy washy about the way I'm feeling though. And every time I read another person's story on here, it gives me strength which I have in all other parts of my life. If I get desperate, I do have one option, but I'm not ready to do that yet.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## travellover (Aug 6, 2012)

cali_chick said:


> So he's moving back into the house?
> 
> What's the game plan from here on out?
> 
> You're educated and smart with no kids? That's a pretty good position to have, considering.


I agree that there are many on here with way more difficult and complicated situations than mine. I am educated and have always made a lot more money than my H. Unfortunately, I was laid off the same week I found everything out. Due to past financial struggles, I am not comfortable leaving without the security of a job. My entire life I've worked hard and ALWAYS been the one with the steady paycheck. So yeah, I'm a bit frustrated with the whole job thing.

Thanks again to all for your feedback.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

travellover said:


> I agree that there are many on here with way more difficult and complicated situations than mine. I am educated and have always made a lot more money than my H. Unfortunately, I was laid off the same week I found everything out. Due to past financial struggles, I am not comfortable leaving without the security of a job. My entire life I've worked hard and ALWAYS been the one with the steady paycheck. So yeah, I'm a bit frustrated with the whole job thing.
> 
> Thanks again to all for your feedback.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh God. I'm so sorry to hear about your job. Man, it doesn't rain does it - it just pours. 

You'll get through this period of turmoil. The character you've developed throughout your life is going to be what gets you through this. 

Eat well, keep fit in spirit, body, mind, soul. Have faith in yourself and your instincts.


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## travellover (Aug 6, 2012)

Ok, I’m not surprised, but seriously?
So I asked to H’s phone because my battery died. His immediate responses were:

-Do you have to look that up right away?
-I told you to get the laptop
-You won’t be able to see it with the screen that small.

I’d like to add that we both use our phones to look up information and that only one of us has problems with eyesight. 

Hmm, anyone get the impression that he doesn’t want me near his phone?


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

travellover said:


> Ok, I’m not surprised, but seriously?
> So I asked to H’s phone because my battery died. His immediate responses were:
> 
> -Do you have to look that up right away?
> ...


That exactly what he doesnt want...UGH! 

He has to be home, right? For financial reasons?! That doesnt mean you have to go along with his crap. I would do the 180 hard core with him and if he asks you what your problem is let him know that just because he is there doesnt mean that you accept all the stuff he has been doing. If he cant let you see his phone then obviously he has something he is hiding and you dont care to be in any kind of relationship with a man that cant be honest.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

BIG mistake letting him come back home without him coming clean with you about everything.

Not too many cards left to play and hubby knows it.

About all you have left is the D card and if you place it on the table don't pick it back up until the papers are stamped final by the courts.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

I think you should tell him it was a mistake for him to comeback, he isn't doing what he needs to to be welcomed back, and that he needs to find somewhere else to go.


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## ItsGonnabeAlright (Nov 19, 2012)

Im at the point that the terms, "I dont know," I dont remember," and "I'm sorry," have completely lost their meaning. The least he can do is try and come up with a lie, but please anything than the same crap over and over. I have seriously lost my head over this. I have heard it for years, even at therapy. What enrages me is that I know, he is lying and he will sit there and say 'I don't know', knowing.


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## travellover (Aug 6, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> That exactly what he doesnt want...UGH!
> 
> He has to be home, right? For financial reasons?! That doesnt mean you have to go along with his crap. I would do the 180 hard core with him and if he asks you what your problem is let him know that just because he is there doesnt mean that you accept all the stuff he has been doing. If he cant let you see his phone then obviously he has something he is hiding and you dont care to be in any kind of relationship with a man that cant be honest.


Yes, the only reason he is back is because of financial reasons! There has not been a time since this all started that I have EVER thought that he was remorseful or being truthful. The thing with the phone just made me want to roll my eyes. It was so obvious. I am still doing the 180 but I think you are right. I need to spell it out that just because I'm not wasting my time trying to find things anymore doesn't mean that I accept this ridiculous behavior. 

Thanks again LetDownNTX


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## travellover (Aug 6, 2012)

SadandAngry said:


> I think you should tell him it was a mistake for him to comeback, he isn't doing what he needs to to be welcomed back, and that he needs to find somewhere else to go.


I agree.


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## travellover (Aug 6, 2012)

ItsGonnabeAlright said:


> Im at the point that the terms, "I dont know," I dont remember," and "I'm sorry," have completely lost their meaning. The least he can do is try and come up with a lie, but please anything than the same crap over and over. I have seriously lost my head over this. I have heard it for years, even at therapy. What enrages me is that I know, he is lying and he will sit there and say 'I don't know', knowing.


I'm sorry for what has obviously caused you a lot of pain. I can completely relate to what you said, although I'm pretty sure I haven't heard I'm sorry. There's definitely been a lot of "I don't know" and "I don't remember". The thing that makes me most angry is when he tells an obvious life and I'm just supposed to buy into it? The day I confronted H at his place of employment (although I did not make a public spectacle), and asked how well he knew the OW, he said "I don't know". Considering the number of calls and texts between them, he was scrambling to figure out what I knew and this was the best he could come up with. He then had the nerve to say, "Are you jealous?" Talk about seeing red. The ability that he has to lie has really shaken my sense of how well I know someone. What else has he lied about during our almost 15 years together?


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

travellover said:


> I'm sorry for what has obviously caused you a lot of pain. I can completely relate to what you said, although I'm pretty sure I haven't heard I'm sorry. There's definitely been a lot of "I don't know" and "I don't remember". The thing that makes me most angry is when he tells an obvious life and I'm just supposed to buy into it? The day I confronted H at his place of employment (although I did not make a public spectacle), and asked how well he knew the OW, he said "I don't know". Considering the number of calls and texts between them, he was scrambling to figure out what I knew and this was the best he could come up with. He then had the nerve to say, "Are you jealous?" Talk about seeing red. The ability that he has to lie has really shaken my sense of how well I know someone. What else has he lied about during our almost 15 years together?



He didnt know how well he knew her? LOL!! You should answer any questions he might have for you with "I dont know".


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## travellover (Aug 6, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> He didnt know how well he knew her? LOL!! You should answer any questions he might have for you with "I dont know".


Right? It would have been funny if it wasn't. I might go with the "I don't know" answer for anything that comes up. I'm guessing it will infuriate him. You see, he's supposed to know EVERYTHING about what I'm doing, who I'm talking to, etc. Can you say control freak? With issues??. Unbelievable! Lol. At least I'm laughing today 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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