# Need a list of requirements for valid Reconciliation



## needhelpnow14 (Jun 19, 2014)

Hi:

Long-time lurker who was tipped to this site while trying to help a family member a year ago. NEVER would've guessed I'd have to use it for myself. Shift hit the fan yesterday. I need a link to the reconciliation requirements for it to work, to stick. 

Details to follow.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

One question, are you the betrayed or the betrayer?

If you are the betrayed, don't consider reconciliation. Don't bother, just leave.

If you are the betrayer, hope that your spouse is more reasonable than I am.


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

It would help if we had more details


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Your spouse must be willing to make it their mission in life to heal you...no matter how long it takes. They should not have to even ask you what you need to help you heal...they should seek professional advice from others and start implementing it immediately. Maybe down the road they will need to seek your own personal advice. You hold the timeline to your own healing.

They need to explain to the children, if they are old enough, that they have hurt you terribly and that they are doing everything to help you heal. They need to tell the children that it is not the children's fault or the betrayed spouses fault. If they see the betrayed spouse getting angry at the former cheating spouse, that this is normal and well deserved and part of healing. They are to be told that they are not to blame the betrayed spouse for their emotional outbursts toward the cheating spouse and that the betrayed spouse should be commended for being willing to give them another chance because they do not deserve it.

In order for your marriage to successfully survive these are some things that your spouse must do:

He must be totally honest with you about everything
He must answer every question that you ask truthfully and fully.
He must do everything in his power to prove to you that you are the one that he wants to be with.
He must prove his love to you...he must be patient, gentle, compassionate and understanding.
He must feel your pain.
He must fully understand the devastation that he caused you.
He must accept full responsibility for his actions.
He must stop all contact with OP and not try to protect them.
He must reassure you that it is OK to ask questions.
He must reassure you that you will not drive him away by doing the things that are necessary to heal.
He must recognize when your struggling or experiencing a trigger and comfort you.
He must be able to tell you how sorry he is and show you.
He must re-enforce to you, that you are not responsible.
He must put his own feelings of guilt and shame aside and help you heal first.
He must reconnect emotionally, mentally, and physically with you and stay connected.
He must work on rebuilding trust. No secrets. No privacy.
He must be willing to seek counseling.
He must learn what is and is not acceptable when communicating with the opposite sex...he must establish boundaries and not cross them. 

Here is a list of things that you must do:

Give him the necessary time to prove his love and commitment to you.
Be open with your feelings.
Ask the questions that are important to you.
Don't be afraid that you will drive him away while you are trying to heal.
Stop blaming yourself for his actions. You are in no way responsible...even if you are Attila the Hun!
You must be able to let him connect with you. (this one takes time)
You must continue checking up on him in order to let him rebuild trust.
You must be willing to seek counseling so that you do not get stuck in one of the stages of recovery such as anger or depression. 

Read the rest here, good starting point...
SurvivingInfidelity.com - Support for Those Affected by Infidelity


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

needhelpnow14 said:


> Hi:
> 
> Long-time lurker who was tipped... NEVER would've guessed I'd have to use it for myself. Shift hit the fan yesterday. ..
> 
> Details to follow.


Sounds like a strip tease...


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## needhelpnow14 (Jun 19, 2014)

thatbpguy said:


> Sounds like a strip tease...


Sorry, I'm in the Caribbean on vacation. Great timing. I'm a he. She's the betrayer, 28 years into the marriage. Long term. Kids grown and gone. I will try to post more later, Looking for links and feedback and will give more details to get invididualized advice.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

needhelpnow14 said:


> Sorry, I'm in the Caribbean on vacation. Great timing. I'm a he. She's the betrayer, 28 years into the marriage. Long term. Kids grown and gone. I will try to post more later, Looking for links and feedback and will give more details to get invididualized advice.


Sounds like your vacation just took a bad turn... Just put an S in front of the "He"'s.. It all still applies.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

needhelpnow14 said:


> Sorry, I'm in the Caribbean on vacation. Great timing. I'm a he. She's the betrayer, 28 years into the marriage. Long term. Kids grown and gone. I will try to post more later, Looking for links and feedback and will give more details to get invididualized advice.


Is it you or she that's pushing for reconciliation?


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## needhelpnow14 (Jun 19, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Is it you or she that's pushing for reconciliation?


She is ashamed, knows it was wrong and is surprised I'd take her back. As a Christian, forgiveness is the easy part. The rest is a lot of heavy lifting.


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## needhelpnow14 (Jun 19, 2014)

We are talking, talking, talking. I will try to write long story by end of day.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Sorry, just a few more questions while you're getting ready to unleash your narrative...

You mentioned that her affair was long term... how long?

How did you find out about the affair?

Is she w/ you (on vacation) right now?


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

needhelpnow14 said:


> We are talking, talking, talking. I will try to write long story by end of day.


I am six months from d-day and three months after d-day went for a week long vacation. I have never felt so alone in all my life. Being on vacation so close from d-day was a disaster. Sorry you are going through this. My first requirement was communication with time limits. You will both be overwhelmed and can restart your talks at any time. If you plan on reconciliation the time limits worked good. Good luck and stay strong as this is a long painful road.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

FTR, I'm calling it now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## needhelpnow14 (Jun 19, 2014)

Thank you for your patience.


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## needhelpnow14 (Jun 19, 2014)

pidge70 said:


> FTR, I'm calling it now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


WHat does FTR mean?


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## needhelpnow14 (Jun 19, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Sorry, just a few more questions while you're getting ready to unleash your narrative...
> 
> You mentioned that her affair was long term... how long?
> 
> ...


How long? Years, but EA most of time, then PA.

She is with me.

Confirmation of it was crazy. Involved Facebook


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## sammy7111 (Apr 19, 2014)

Just remember just because your a Christian doesn't mine you have to stay with her. There's no such thing as a true r there's just learning to leave with it. My suggest is to make her put all the work into it. But I don't thank I could ever forgive this one because she's been doing it behind your back for a long time but good luck
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

sammy7111 said:


> *Just remember just because your a Christian doesn't mine you have to stay with her.* There's no such thing as a true r there's just learning to leave with it. My suggest is to make her put all the work into it. But I don't thank I could ever forgive this one because she's been doing it behind your back for a long time but good luck


Very true. Forgiveness and divorce are not mutually exclusive.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

YOu don't need a list while on vacation.
You only need her agreement to end the affair, her agreement to "no contact", and take posession of her phone.
Then regroup when you get back.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

needhelpnow14 said:


> She is ashamed, knows it was wrong and is surprised I'd take her back. *As a Christian, forgiveness is the easy part.* The rest is a lot of heavy lifting.


Um, don't be so cavalier on this point. You still don't know what kind of emotional roller-coaster you will ride, or for how long. Beware of false reconciliation based on forgiveness without substance.

Pidge: Duly noted.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I agree. Forgiveness is never easy. And there are huge amount of unsucessful reconciliations due to an improper interpretation of the Christian belief that one must forgive blindly. The rush to forgive is usually really a person afriad to stand up for themself anyway.


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## needhelpnow14 (Jun 19, 2014)

Yes


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> ok ...let me get this straight...
> 
> Your wife had an affair after 28 years of marriage...you are on vacation in The Caribbean...you joined a marriage site while on said vacation in the CARIBBEAN....and you are taking potty breaks away from your wife to post on the internet and tell us abut your wife's affair...and in between posting on the internet while you are on said vacation in the CARIBBEAN...you are talking talking talking to your wife.
> 
> ...


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I would listen for a bit. People stop calling/accusing him of being a troll. the bunch here can get paranoid sometimes.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Who is the other man? How do you know its over? Is she using her phone at all?


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> I would listen for a bit. People stop calling/accusing him of being a troll. the bunch here can get paranoid sometimes.


True enough but, too many times people get sucked into threads due to them wanting to believe the worst.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

I would toss all the little devices (cell phones, tablets) into the bottom drawer of the hotel room dresser and get a bottle of Jamaican white rum. Then I would proceed to plant my butt on the beach, dig my toes into the sand, and enjoy the day and drink. Sure talk and talk but wait for the shock to pass then look for info and make choices.

That is just my opinion. As for that list. I think there are basic things in general that help but I believe because each marriage is different, spouses needs are different, and so are the details of the affair (how and where and when and so on) so there is a need to customize a reconciliation list. 
It is an aspect that kind of takes time but there is an asap list too.The affair must be ended/over, NC with the OP and NC letter, sharing the details, answering questions, transparency, pass words, ect. 

If you must have answers and things now I would suggest that you buy a download of "Not just Friends" try amazon and read on the beach or by the pool. Ask your spouse to read it with you. 

(I could go on but won't)


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

Eh you all called me a troll. I was just insanely confused, trying to incorporate so much information in such little time, and trying to start to think after getting hit with a sledgehammer in the brain.

Still I didn't come post little snippets...

I'll just wait and see if this guy has a real story. Sorry OP if this is real but I hope you see why some people would think it's a troll job. I mean it took days before I could even think about anything after d-day.

I'll still check back and read your story if you post it though.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Geez man did you find out about her affair while on vacation? I can't imagine. I'd be dog paddling back to the mainland if it was me. God bless.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sammy7111 (Apr 19, 2014)

Way does it manner if it's a troll or true story
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

*Re: Re: Need a list of requirements for valid Reconciliation*



Kurosity said:


> I would toss all the little devices (cell phones, tablets) into the bottom drawer of the hotel room dresser and get a bottle of Jamaican white rum. Then I would proceed to plant my butt on the beach, dig my toes into the sand, and enjoy the day and drink.


The bottom of the pool would have more of an effect.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

So you busted your old lady texting her OM while on vacation with you? Been there!!!

If you beg and cry and lose any confidence that shows you can'T let her go she will lose attraction towards you.

For me...when I was going thru this crap ...my old ladies huge degree of submission topped the list.............there is absolutely no negogiation.......trust is broken and if your old lady really wants this she will take the heat and stick it out.

If she can't take the heat she will show you her true colors and then R will be a waste.

IMHO the list is short;
take whats coming to you as a cheater and hope its enough to keep from getting replaced !

At the end of the day loyalty is a hard thing to repair and the wayward has a lot of heavy lifting to do to regain the trust.

Push them. see if their words meet their actions...actions of taking some really tough crap from a betrayed spouse that has lost the one person that should have had your back.

Most waywards think the betrayed are going to pick up the pieces, so when push come to shove will they help you heal or get annoyed with the daily reminder of what they did.

True remorse excepts the daily reminder of the betrayal so they can pay the consequences for such betrayal.


Your old lady couldn't take the crap when you though things were good, Now that the sh1t has hit the fan can she take even more crap or continue to blame shift?

#1 on my list is " I phucked up and I diserve the consequences!

END OF LIST!!!!


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

It is a bit soon to be worried about a list. You aren't going to be giving this list to her, btw.

For now you're in survival mode for a week or two. She needs to be totally transparent on all her electronic communications. She has to give you all passwords, and she can't erase anything from her phone or any online account.

As mentioned by someone else, she has to go totally NO CONTACT with the guy. Completely.

Next she has to answer all your questions no matter how difficult or embarrassing they may be. But, you should think really hard about what to ask right now. You can't unhear what she tells you. For now I would restrict your questions to names, places, dates. Don't ask any details of what she did with him sexually. If you still want to know these details in the future you can always ask later.

I recommend a book called "After the Affair" by Janis Spring. It is fairly short, and it is written both for you and for her. It explains what each of you are going through. You should both read it.

There are many other good books out there, but this one is where I would start.

Get into good marriage counseling as soon as you get home.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

@ Thor :iagree: good book.

@OP your old lady is thousands a mile a way from OM....lets see what happens before the both of you talk about R.

Once your old lady gets back to real world lets see how remorseful she really is by going James Bond on her butt.

GPS. VAR, and keyloggers are in order to verify her words.

She took a vow... now she takes another vow to stop all contact...her current history dictates that your old lady now has to be verified before you give her the blind trust you once had for her............

JUST DON;T TELL HER THAT OR SHE WILL GO UNDER GROUND!!!!=they cool it off and wait for you to settle down before they start up again.

Welcome to the cheaters police force...I'm semi retired.


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