# How to stop being scared?



## sylint (May 21, 2016)

My husband and I are currently in that awkward period - trying to figure things out/make it work, etc.
In March, my husband came home and started acting really weird and just said I don't think this [our marriage?] is working.
He said he didn't feel the "fight" in him.

I know. I know. I've scoured the internet to read articles that my heart already knew what he meant.

But, I want to fight for this marriage! I feel like I would regret if I didn't at least try to make things work.

We've been together for 10 years, met in college, got married in 2013.
We have no kids. He has mentioned that it's a good thing we do not have any kids.

"You're still young" "You still have time to meet someone else".

For some reason, after we got married, things just started to go downhill.
I feel some guilt because I recently realized I thought that after getting married - it's permanent. I have a partner for life. I have nothing to fear.

I just wanted to know how do you stop being scared to let go. 
I'm an introvert. I've tried what many suggest - get out! do something for yourself!
But, it's hard. I've gone out, had fun but, once I try to go bed at night - I'm back to being scared and hurt.

We still live together. My mom was recently diagnosed with end stage kidney disease and I just...I can't bring myself to tell her, "hey mom, my husband wants a divorce". 

I'll be the first one in my entire huge family to be divorced. 

For the first month post-his confession, I felt like I was bi-polar - one minute laughing and smiling and then the next hour tears welling up in my eyes for no reason. Lately, we've been getting along - going out together, having more sex, having fun together. But today, he's gone back to being cold and silent. This time, I just left him alone and went out running. It's just odd. Our anniversary is coming up in June and I'm thinking that may be bothering him but I don't know because I don't want to ask him.

So, really - how do you stop the fear? And seriously, to any fellow introverts, how do you go out and have fun when your marriage is crumbling?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.


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## Lilac23 (Jul 9, 2015)

Living in limbo is hard for anyone! Have you told anyone what is going one, sisters, cousins, friends, etc.? Even if it does not resolve what the outcome will be, it would be nice for you to have someone you can talk to about what is happening, other than him.


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

Has he explained what brought this on? Is he seeing someone or interested in someone else? How old are you both?


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

sylint said:


> I just wanted to know how do you stop being scared to let go.
> I'm an introvert. I've tried what many suggest - get out! do something for yourself!
> But, it's hard. I've gone out, had fun but, once I try to go bed at night - I'm back to being scared and hurt.


The "why" will bring you a lot of power in this difficult moment. The costs to you are higher by choosing to leave, rather than choosing to stay. This means that you see the near-term costs being higher by leaving and lower by choosing to stay. 


> We still live together. My mom was recently diagnosed with end stage kidney disease and I just...I can't bring myself to tell her, "hey mom, my husband wants a divorce".
> 
> I'll be the first one in my entire huge family to be divorced.


Your family wants you to be happy. Are you married for your family or for yourself and him?


> For the first month post-his confession, I felt like I was bi-polar - one minute laughing and smiling and then the next hour tears welling up in my eyes for no reason. Lately, we've been getting along - going out together, having more sex, having fun together. But today, he's gone back to being cold and silent. This time, I just left him alone and went out running. It's just odd. Our anniversary is coming up in June and I'm thinking that may be bothering him but I don't know because I don't want to ask him.
> 
> So, really - how do you stop the fear? And seriously, to any fellow introverts, how do you go out and have fun when your marriage is crumbling?
> 
> Any advice would be greatly appreciated.


A long time ago, I was the king of introverts. My relationship was falling apart as well and the same fears consumed me. I knew little back then and had very little strength. Now I know better.

How do you stop the fear? Stand up and face it. There is a progression that I use to approach fears, but it is very simple. 

-Think about it
-Visualize yourself opposing the fear
-Take real action

Fear is an idea. Look at the facts of the situation and act upon them. It is okay to have emotions, but it is critical to be intelligent with the information that emotions give you to use. You fear a negative emotional reaction from your family that will compound the challenges that you face, should they be realized. The reality of the situation is that you fear something that you don't know is going to happen. When I faced a similar situation, I was astounded by how much support I received from my family.

You are plenty strong enough to face the fear. That said, there is still the caveat of choosing whether or not you want to expend the energy necessary to revitalize the relationship. If you have wonderful moments that you can look to in the past, then it could be worth it. But, it depends on him joining you in this endeavour, although it could take him some time to come to a joint conclusion.

Good luck.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

sylint said:


> But, I want to fight for this marriage! I feel like I would regret if I didn't at least try to make things work.


Why fight for a person that doesn't want to be with you? He wants out, well at least he doesn't want in anymore, there's nothing to fight for. You love the guy, right? So you want him to be happy, and he'll be happier with someone else, so it's time to make the most difficult selfless move you'll ever make and give him what he wants. Or not. 



sylint said:


> He has mentioned that it's a good thing we do not have any kids.


Because he won't have to pay child support or be connected with you for the better part of 20 years, he can make a clean break. 



sylint said:


> "You're still young" "You still have time to meet someone else".


That means he's really saying "I'm still young, I can meet someone I like better" or "I met someone else but I don't want to tell you because I'm a coward".



sylint said:


> For some reason, after we got married, things just started to go downhill.


Happens all the time. Marriage kills lots of relationships. It's like the devil incarnate or something like that.



sylint said:


> I feel some guilt because I recently realized I thought that after getting married - it's permanent. I have a partner for life. I have nothing to fear.


Not getting the relevance. 



sylint said:


> I just wanted to know how do you stop being scared to let go.


Takes time. You were alone before, you're probably alone now for all practical purposes, and you're going to be alone again. You'll adjust.



sylint said:


> We still live together. My mom was recently diagnosed with end stage kidney disease and I just...I can't bring myself to tell her, "hey mom, my husband wants a divorce".


Then don't tell her. Maybe you won't have to.



sylint said:


> I'll be the first one in my entire huge family to be divorced.


Try to stop caring about those sorts of irrelevant things. Your mom might be the first one in the family with end stage kidney disease, does that matter?



sylint said:


> . Lately, we've been getting along - going out together, having more sex, having fun together. But today, he's gone back to being cold and silent. This time, I just left him alone and went out running.


Stop being so available. Leaving him alone and going out running is the way to handle this. Do more of it. It prepares you for the split and just may knock some sense into him when you aren't around so much, if he doesn't have someone on the side and his feelings for you are waning, well being less available to him can turn those feelings around. Read more posts on here, especially those written by guys whose wifes are distant and aloof and they try and try to win them back and it works against them. 



sylint said:


> So, really - how do you stop the fear? And seriously, to any fellow introverts, how do you go out and have fun when your marriage is crumbling?


Meds, counseling, support from friends and family. Time.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Are you guys in marriage counseling? Being in limbo is the worst. It seems like he doesn't know what he wants to do, and that is super frustrating. He needs to decide if he is in or out. And if he doesn't know, then he needs to decide if he wants to fight for the marriage and make it better. Not doing anything is the worst thing you guys can do. He can't be a bump on a log and just wait for somthing better to come along. 
When men are passive like this it drives me nuts. Men should be more active and make firm decisions and stances and DO SOMETHING. Not just wait for you to make a move and decision. Ahh! Sorry I'm married to a passive man and it's frustrating.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Advice I can give you... Being needy and emotional is such a bad thing to do and is such a turn off, relationship killer to men. And also to your self esteem. I too need to work on this. But be confident, be independent. Be a strong bad ass women who doesn't need to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you. Fake it till you actually feel it. The reality is there is nothing you can do, you can't force him to do anything and he needs to decide what he wants to do. Take this time and build up your self esteem, and decide if he is worth it. If ur needy and crying and begging someone to be with you that doesn't want to it will kill your soul and self esteem. And you know your way better than that. Don't be that girl. Have some gumption. Good luck! And don't let this ******* make you feel lesser than you are!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

What exactly precipitated his shutting down? This does not make sense. Is there possibly someone else? Don't ask him, but do some snooping first.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

The things he is saying to you are typical of a man in an affair. I agree with the others that you should do some checking. If he is cheating, that will change your calculus about your own behavior.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

alte Dame said:


> The things he is saying to you are typical of a man in an affair. I agree with the others that you should do some checking. If he is cheating, that will change your calculus about your own behavior.


I agree, I had a friend who's husband said the exact same things.
It's "not working out"; " you're still young etc"; "I'm glad we no kids"
Turns out he was cheating. She only found out after the split. 
He wants out. Cut him loose & find a man who will love you back. 

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