# New... and the worst discovery



## MissingLink (Feb 20, 2012)

Hi all.... I'm new. found this site from a google search.

I wish I could have found this site with better circumstances (but then I probably would not have been looking). Apparently today is what you call DDay.

A little backstory: Things have been increasingly stressful in my marriage the last 2 years. My husband has over time withdrawn from offering any affection, and inverted into online gaming world. In the last 6 months or so our marriage has turned basically sexless. I've tried to discuss this (more the withdrawing and lack of attention) with him and end up fighting. I almost walked out on New Years because he had not said a word to me in 2 days (and the day before was our 5th Anniversary).

Anyway... I have noticed that he has (I thought recently started) conversing with texts with "friends" (who just "happen" to be female)that he gained playing online games. Then two weeks ago he was supposed to go on a trip with a male work friend that resulted in an "impromtu" visit to see one of those online friends. He told me about this when he got home but not before. I tried to be ok, and he asked if I was going to get all jealous and I replied "not if you don't give me a reason to be jealous". 

Two days ago I noticed a download complete on his computer that was under MyPics and involved the online girl's screen name. I had to wait till I had time to get into his computer today... I felt horribly guilty the whole time especially when all I saw at first was professional porn type stuff. But I looked a little harder and found not one but two hidden files... one with naked pictures of two of these online "friends" of his that have gone back well over the last 6 months. And another of saved AIM convos from 4 years ago (back when I at least thought things were great between the two of us) with some girl talking about meeting up for BJs/Sex/etc. 

I am a mess. I have no idea how to go from here. I don't even know how to tell my husband what I know much less how to get the rest of the truth out of him. Right now I'm waiting for him to come home from work and just trying to hold myself together until then.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Welcome to a club no one want to belong to.

Take a breath and understand we all went throught the same crap and even though its painful it is normal. The anger, sadness, pity, fear, and every other emotion that comes to mind. 

My best advise is to #1 do not beg for your marriage....no matter what, you have to show him how confident you are. The perception of strength must come with calmness and firmness even though they are complete oppisite of what you are really feeling right now. You have to show him an indifference that will make him think twice of what he is about to lose if he continues. The bigest mistake is to get him thinking you will always be around.

Thats the thing here.....getting him to second guess his choices by you being a person he has never seen before. Do not let him justify his actions by reacting the the way he thinks or you normally would but be a different person that is now indifferent to him and the marriage and the confidence that you will move on if he contiues.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Missinglink, go slow right now. First of all back up any evidence you have found onto some other computer or thumb drive. It may or may not be useful in the future, so secure a copy.

Be strong. Expect denials. Expect him to blame shift onto you. Whatever the general state of your marriage is, you are equally responsible for it. But any affairs are 100% his fault. Don't go down the path of arguing or defending why his infidelities are in some way your fault. Expect him to complain about you violating his privacy. Privacy is different than secrecy. There is no place for secrecy in a marriage. Privacy is him talking to his mother on the phone in a different room. Secrecy is him hiding whom he is talking to.

Don't leave your home. If somebody is to leave, it is him.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Just wanting to reiterate the advice already given, and welcome you to TAM. Read up on the 180. 

My heart goes out to you


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Thor said:


> Missinglink, go slow right now. First of all back up any evidence you have found onto some other computer or thumb drive. It may or may not be useful in the future, so secure a copy.
> 
> Be strong. Expect denials. Expect him to blame shift onto you. Whatever the general state of your marriage is, you are equally responsible for it. But any affairs are 100% his fault. Don't go down the path of arguing or defending why his infidelities are in some way your fault. Expect him to complain about you violating his privacy. Privacy is different than secrecy. There is no place for secrecy in a marriage. Privacy is him talking to his mother on the phone in a different room. Secrecy is him hiding whom he is talking to.
> 
> Don't leave your home. If somebody is to leave, it is him.


:iagree:

You need to keep your cool, although difficult. Pretend as if nothing has changed. Cheaters will not reveal anything. As Thor said, back up all the evidences. Keep up your vigil.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

Good advice has already been given but do be sure to take it slow. This is not the time to lose your mind and self control.

You are not alone, there are so many of us out here.


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## MissingLink (Feb 20, 2012)

Thank you all for the support and advice. Please don't take it the wrong way if I say that I wish I did not need it.

I tried to broach the subject last night... telling him I had seen the download notices (did not tell him I got on his computer yet) and he said "oh it's just some pics from my NC trip, No big deal". I looked him right in the eye and hoped he would tell me what I already knew, but he did not. It makes me sick that he can just lie to me like that right to my face... It makes me wonder what else he lies about and for how long.

I know the advice is to stay in the house, but we rent and I pay household bills anyway... so my game plan is this I think: My necessities are packed or in a place together where they can be grabbed quickly. Tonight I plan to tell him everything I know and put the ball in his court. I may be willing to work on this if (BIG IF) he cuts all contact and completely confesses and shows me his texts, emails, etc. Otherwise I will take the dogs (no kids... just dogs/cat) and go to my parents house and figure out how to go on from there. 

The sad thing is I almost know he will think he should not have to show me anything and say it's just pictures and talk (if that's all it really is)... but the thing is if I had put myself in the same situation with a guy he'd be flipping out on me. 

And I'm not even sure I want to work things out right now. With as up/down as the last 2 years have been, I'm not sure I want to put myself through it all. I'm in my mid-20s and could still have my whole life ahead of me if I just let it go.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

MissingLink said:


> Thank you all for the support and advice. Please don't take it the wrong way if I say that I wish I did not need it.
> 
> I tried to broach the subject last night... telling him I had seen the download notices (did not tell him I got on his computer yet) and he said "oh it's just some pics from my NC trip, No big deal". I looked him right in the eye and hoped he would tell me what I already knew, but he did not. It makes me sick that he can just lie to me like that right to my face... It makes me wonder what else he lies about and for how long.
> 
> ...


well your an adult and you should make your own decissions.but from reading all the threads on here I'm am jaded somewhat.And if I were in your sheos I would be gone. no kids not much assets aquired between the two of you and you have a place to go (moms).


if you stay seems like you are the one who wants this to work he seems indifferent. I wouldn't even give him the chance to fess up. sounds like a real Jem of a guy. good luck.


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

MissingLink said:


> I'm in my mid-20s and could still have my whole life ahead of me if I just let it go.


You have something that a lot of us on here do not: YOUTH!!!! Don't let this man steal your youth, don't give your youth to someone who doesn't deserve it. Some of us are dealing with this stuff in our 40's and 50's after years of anger, resentment, denial, and pain. 

The decision to leave him is up to you and you only. But if I knew what I know now in my 20's, my life would have been so different. Some of us are "stuck" because of children, homes, families, etc. You do not have those burdens. 

Be strong, hang in there, and remember that this is a life lesson that will change you and make you stronger.


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## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

I think I am on the same page as chillymorn, I don't think I'd even give him the opportunity to lie to me. I'd pack my stuff and go to my mom's house and let him stew in it for a while. If he decides to come clean and you want to work it out you can always go back but him coming home to an empty house might be the wake up call he needs. I've been through a similar thing with the online "friends". If you give him a chance he's going to feed you all kinds of crap and try to make it your fault. Stand firm, stay calm and let him know it's up to him to make it right. He owns this not you. I'm sorry for what put you here but by being here you have some good advice and support from many who've been through the same thing.


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## Lone Star (Feb 2, 2012)

I'm sorry you are in this position. If I were you, young, no children and no property assets I would walk and not look back. You have plenty of time to rebuild a life with someone that is going to love and respect you. I know leaving is a big decision, but take it from some of us that are older with children and assets. Like I said, if I were in your position I'd be gone like yesterday. Good luck.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

endlessgrief said:


> You have something that a lot of us on here do not: YOUTH!!!! Don't let this man steal your youth, don't give your youth to someone who doesn't deserve it. Some of us are dealing with this stuff in our 40's and 50's after years of anger, resentment, denial, and pain.
> 
> The decision to leave him is up to you and you only. But if I knew what I know now in my 20's, my life would have been so different. Some of us are "stuck" because of children, homes, families, etc. You do not have those burdens.
> 
> Be strong, hang in there, and remember that this is a life lesson that will change you and make you stronger.


If this is who he is now is the perfect time to leave. No children and in your twenties. Wow, drop him like a bad habit girl. Find someone who deserves you and will appreciate you.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

you are ready to get out with the dog and things. you are on your own and it sounds very good. If you really love him, give a thought. Else, you already have a plan.


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