# Infidelity?/Addiction Please please help



## mvfunk (Feb 13, 2018)

Hello I was on here years and years and years ago. I was and still am quite the ****up. I had an unchecked porn addiction since I was like 15 and when our daughter was born in 2007 I was 23. That's when she found out and it all came crashing down. It wasn't just porn i was having sexual chats online with other women. I finally kicked that habit in 2008 and was good until about late 2015. My supervisor at my job was successfully trying to push me to quit. He finally succeeded in Feb of 2016 and i CRASHED. I got a job working from home and in this back "cave" of a room my addiction/issues came back full force. I had privacy, I was depressed and my wife was being abusive. Bad combo. I joined fetlife and was trying to make local connections there. Actively trying to cheat. Finally about three weeks ago it all came out. Needless to say things have been ****ty but at the same time it feels good to not have secrets and thank god i never actually met with someone. 

I'm committed to change she obviously doesn't think I can do it. She wants to be with me but doesn't think i'm capable. Her reaction to this? My phone is on complete lockdown. She receives every text I get, i can't install apps without it asking for permission, the web browser is disabled and find my friends is enabled and locked. She tracks my commute too and from work and calls if I deviate off my route for any reason. I'm allowed to only spend $10 a week on anything. It's rough

I feel very controlled but don't have any perspective on whether this is a normal reaction or not. My therapist doesn't think it's right but she also doesn't believe in sex and porn addictions. Want opinions and strategies?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

“Help! Help! This bed I made is all lumpy and uncomfortable!”


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## mvfunk (Feb 13, 2018)

I'm not shirking from my responsibilities or my roles here. I am simply asking what's right or not. Trying to gain some perspective. Your response is not helpful nor kind.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

mvfunk said:


> I'm not shirking from my responsibilities or my roles here. I am simply asking what's right or not. Trying to gain some perspective. Your response is not helpful nor kind.


I think you need to do what she says for as long as she says so that
she can slowly build some kind of trust.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

At this point, she gets to decide what is reasonable and you get to decide if you can live with it, at least for a time.

Long term, it's probably not sustainable, but short term, you need to display a concrete willingness to be dedicated to change and transparent for verification. Especially nowhen that you are something of a repeat offender.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

mvfunk said:


> My supervisor at my job was successfully trying to push me to quit. He finally succeeded in Feb of 2016 and i CRASHED.


How?

Please expand on this.

How does a supervisor get you to quit?
At the first sign of this, why were you not in contact with a lawyer and with HR?
Why were you not investigating hostile work environment and doing something about it?


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## mvfunk (Feb 13, 2018)

He promoted my subordinate that i hired over me. I'm a graphic designer. He stopped giving me assignments, he stopped giving me feedback on my work. Saying it looked great then not using it. It's a religious issue i'm convinced. I live in utah the LDS faith all look out for their own. HR is LDS. I would've lost. Neither here nor there it's done and the job i have now is outstanding.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

mvfunk said:


> He promoted my subordinate that i hired over me. I'm a graphic designer. He stopped giving me assignments, he stopped giving me feedback on my work. Saying it looked great then not using it. It's a religious issue i'm convinced. I live in utah the LDS faith all look out for their own. HR is LDS. I would've lost. Neither here nor there it's done and the job i have now is outstanding.


Seems to me that everything bad that happiness your life is someone else’s fault.If you want the respect and admiration you feel you are entitled to from your wife maybe try behaving in a respectful and responsible fashion.In other words take responsibility for your own life and behavior.
Your wife has an eleven year old child who she has to set boundaries for,she doesn’t need another one.
Grow the **** up!


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

mvfunk said:


> Hello I was on here years and years and years ago. I was and still am quite the ****up. I had an unchecked porn addiction since I was like 15 and when our daughter was born in 2007 I was 23. That's when she found out and it all came crashing down. It wasn't just porn i was having sexual chats online with other women. I finally kicked that habit in 2008 and was good until about late 2015. My supervisor at my job was successfully trying to push me to quit. He finally succeeded in Feb of 2016 and i CRASHED. I got a job working from home and in this back "cave" of a room my addiction/issues came back full force. *I had privacy, I was depressed and my wife was being abusive.* Bad combo. I joined fetlife and was trying to make local connections there. Actively trying to cheat. Finally about three weeks ago it all came out. Needless to say things have been ****ty but at the same time it feels good to not have secrets and thank god i never actually met with someone.
> 
> I'm committed to change she obviously doesn't think I can do it. She wants to be with me but doesn't think i'm capable. Her reaction to this? My phone is on complete lockdown. She receives every text I get, i can't install apps without it asking for permission, the web browser is disabled and find my friends is enabled and locked. She tracks my commute too and from work and calls if I deviate off my route for any reason. I'm allowed to only spend $10 a week on anything. It's rough
> 
> I feel very controlled but don't have any perspective on whether this is a normal reaction or not. My therapist doesn't think it's right but she also doesn't believe in sex and porn addictions. Want opinions and strategies?


OP, it's not clear whether you're just asking if your wife's approach is justified or if anyone has suggestions for dealing with your addiction issues.

I'll assume it's a bit of both.

The bolded above, how was your wife being abusive?

Yes, your wife has established a rigid set of rules however your problems are clearly very serious and nothing she/you have tried has worked before. What are the alternatives you have in mind? 

If your therapist doesn't believe in sex and porn addictions, why are you seeing her when your history suggests these are the very issues you are dealing with? How long have you been seeing this therapist?

As a graphic artist you are forced to work with computers all day hence you have to face the temptation to go online every second you're at work. Have you considered getting an alternative skill that does not require you to be on a computer constantly? 

If your therapist isn't a cognitive behavioural therapist specializing in porn/sex addictions, you should seriously consider finding one. While I do not suffer from the same issues as you, I can attest to the benefits of CBT style approach. However I've always functioned best with highly structured approaches to problem solving and that is the aspect of CBT that has made it so effective for me.


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## Ms. Hawaii (Mar 28, 2018)

Let me get this straight, you’re blaming everyone else, except yourself, for your addiction? 

Buddy, you’re lucky your wife is still there. 

If I were in her shoes, you’d have been dealing with my lawyer.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

mvfunk said:


> I'm committed to change she obviously doesn't think I can do it. She wants to be with me but doesn't think i'm capable. Her reaction to this? My phone is on complete lockdown. She receives every text I get, i can't install apps without it asking for permission, the web browser is disabled and find my friends is enabled and locked. She tracks my commute too and from work and calls if I deviate off my route for any reason. I'm allowed to only spend $10 a week on anything. It's rough


Sounds to me like she's going easy on you. I don't think you're willing to do it either. Its clear you just ain't ready to stop trying to peek inside the other girls' komonos. As far as getting 10 bucks a week, just be thankful she ain't limiting it to what you're worth.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

*When you pull this kind of crap...*

When you pull this kind of crap... she gets to decide. 

If you are even wondering if it is ok, the you "just don't get it".

Your choices are 1) 'Man up", if you do the crime you do the time. or 2) divorce. 

And for gods sake stop whining. You were a jacka$$ for what you did, accept your punishment and treat her like a queen and lick her toes when she asks. 

Or get a divorce....


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

You should feel lucky she even considered letting you stay.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

You have totally destroyed her trust yet again. What did you expect? She does not trust you not to do this again,so is doing all she can to make sure you don't do it again.

Just think of your 11 years old daughter. Would you want men like yourself ogling her in a few years?All these women are someone's child. 

You acted terribly and now you have to face the consequences. I am amazed that she still wants to be with you. I guess she is thinking of your child, unlike you.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*You're at a point where you have no other options other than what your counselor as well as your wife dictates!

After what you've been through and are attempting to overcome, acquiesce! You'll be a far better man for it!*


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

You're an addict. Let that sink in. So am I except "clean" for over two decades.

You've got to remove the temptation first(just like an alcoholic must throw out his booze). 

Get a flip phone without internet.
Put a content filter on the computer and let your wife own the password and see the usage reports. Search online for porn addiction help. You can beat this but you must treat yourself like the addict you are.

Masturbation is for wussies. If you can give it up you're stronger than 99% of men. In a few weeks of being clean you'll understand why some males in the animal kingdom will fight to the death for mating rights lol.

Seriously, you're marriage and you are worth more than this... expending your sexuality in some sort of warped fantasy world.

God bless and best wishes, brother.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

a contrasting point of view.
Of course he doesn't know if this is reasonable (actually it passes my sniff test) He goes from her being abusive to her imposing restrictions. He is trying to figure out if this is more abuse. Of course it was handed down with a boatload of anger (justified). So I see the confusion.
On the other hand I agree with advice you are getting. until you learn to set your own boundaries, use the ones you are lucky to have assigned.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

Damn,
I never thought it was possible to like that many comments in a thread. 

Dude, be lucky you are only laying in that bed of rocks you made. She should have made it out of razor blades for you. 

Toe the line or give the woman her freedom. 

Some people's kid's.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

mvfunk said:


> Hello I was on here years and years and years ago. I was and still am quite the ****up. I had an unchecked porn addiction since I was like 15 and when our daughter was born in 2007 I was 23. That's when she found out and it all came crashing down. It wasn't just porn i was having sexual chats online with other women. I finally kicked that habit in 2008 and was good until about late 2015. My supervisor at my job was successfully trying to push me to quit. He finally succeeded in Feb of 2016 and i CRASHED. I got a job working from home and in this back "cave" of a room my addiction/issues came back full force. I had privacy, I was depressed and my wife was being abusive. Bad combo. I joined fetlife and was trying to make local connections there. Actively trying to cheat. Finally about three weeks ago it all came out. Needless to say things have been ****ty but at the same time it feels good to not have secrets and thank god i never actually met with someone.
> 
> I'm committed to change she obviously doesn't think I can do it. She wants to be with me but doesn't think i'm capable. Her reaction to this? My phone is on complete lockdown. She receives every text I get, i can't install apps without it asking for permission, the web browser is disabled and find my friends is enabled and locked. She tracks my commute too and from work and calls if I deviate off my route for any reason. I'm allowed to only spend $10 a week on anything. It's rough
> 
> I feel very controlled but don't have any perspective on whether this is a normal reaction or not. My therapist doesn't think it's right but she also doesn't believe in sex and porn addictions. Want opinions and strategies?


Ask your wife to get help for herself for co-dependency. She needs Nar anon /Al anon to be able to handle your s***. You blame her for being abusive! OMG, you still don't get it, your actions, behavior and attempts to cheat are all nothing but abuse. Living with you with all of your addictions is no pinic, wake up and smell the bloody roses!
Your wife has put up with your crap for so long, and still it's all about you! The typical selfish addict. Do your poor wife a favour and divorce her. 
Poor baby, you feel very controlled. That is where she is making the mistake, she should leave you to wallow in your own filth. When you hit rock bottom maybe you will do something about it.


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