# oy...vey



## argyle (May 27, 2011)

...on some level...I'm wondering whether these incidents are:
(a) completely insane
(b) out there, but many women experience similar things
(c) perfectly normal

On the bright side, my wife has not raged.

On the dark side, the last few days have been tiring.

So far, lemme see:
...tearful discussion...believes her therapist is plotting to remove her by having her arrested because she's disruptive to the DBT group. ...calls therapist to leave. ...therapist calls her back, tells her she loves her, asks her to stay.

...tearful discussion...believes parents will have her arrested because child mentioned that 'mommy doesn't yell anymore.' On the bright side, she basically doesn't. On the down side, she did rage while the children and I left the house about 2 months ago and sulked on a road trip a month ago.

...tearful discussion...believes MIL is plotting against her, laying traps at Superbowl party...suggests me and children go alone....changes mind.

...tearful discussion...believes SIL has incestuous crush on me (related to wife's crush on her brother??) ...complicated monologue regarding SIL's reaction to magazine article. SIL basically said 'huh', took it as a friendly gesture, and started talking to wife. I probably should train SIL to not do that. Trick is that, if there is any way a comment could possibly have a double meaning, wife will read it that way. On the bright side, agreeing with wife and offering to take steps soothes her.

...tearful discussion...believes preschool teacher murdered 7 year old guinea pig as prelude to murdering children.* Old age, perhaps? Suggests dropping out of 4th preschool. Does drop out of volunteering in afternoon program. I plan on dropping by the preschool next week...she declines offer.

...apparently left shattered (accidental - real clumsy - so probably) wine bottle in kitchen for me to clean up this morning.

On one hand, marriage is sacred, blah, blah blah, and she really is trying the whole therapy thing. She's even accepted that she definitely has communication issues and probably has Aspergers. That has helped. She does have a good heart and I do love her. And, mostly, if I just agree with her crazy deductions, she regulates them on her own. 

On the other hand, y'know, every tearful discussion is a 90 minute monologue where I'm sitting around helping her process - and she really can't seem to do it on her own. And, they're draining because she triggers easily, is an aggressive person, and has basically no empathy. That and, setting limits is annoying because calling her out on accidental insults or, eg, going to sleep, is quite triggering for her. 

I'm a reasonably busy guy - and spending time on her crises is crimping my ability to, for example, work full-time, clean the bedroom, and spend time with the children. This is an issue when you're living with someone whose natural cleanliness level would revolt your garden variety heroin addict. On the bright side, I got the bills and some online registration done last night, the down side is I didn't have time to drop off a bit of mail or clean the bedroom. She claims she'll do the laundry...not holding my breath there.

The problem is that my assessment is that this is basically the best she can do. She sees the world as she sees it, and has issues with people for many reasons. She has many, many crises in her daily life. I can even see from her perspective that preschool teachers hunting down our children is a real threat that requires a united front.

But, y'know, life is hard. I only have so much time in this world - and children to whom I owe a duty of care. At this point, I'm thinking that I'll definitely be better off without her. I'm pretty sure that the kids will miss her, but that losing her will be a mixed blessing. Problem is, my guess is that she'd likely off herself in short order. I'm not sure - but she's not really well-equipped to deal with the world - and I'm basically her last protector. I could be wrong - her family might take her back - she might be able to hold down a job. I'd worry less if she had something else going on. Maybe some planning/discussion there.

Maybe a bit more time and a few more adjustments. It looks like I basically need to accept that any continuing interaction with the outside world is going to result in mild chaos and panic attacks. Preschool is only a few more months...so okay. After that, she will be involved in nothing related to my schedule. I think I'll discourage her volunteering in kindergarten. I'd hoped that she could get some experience with people - but that didn't work out - second time too.

I am mulling over the divorce thing. I dunno - things are improving, but, I still don't see this as livable long-term. OTOH, at least the daily/weekly 'my life is ruined because I married an Aspie' and 'I can't spend time with you because you aren't synchronizing properly' discussions have morphed into 'Oh, I have Aspergers - and I need alone time - please take care of the kids - I'll come by after watching a period film'.

--Argyle

*Possibly related - I just got to explain death to a small child - who's mostly worried about their own death. Not so much the guinea pig. Any tips?


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## Omegaa (Nov 17, 2012)

argyle said:


> I married an Aspie' and 'I can't spend time with you because you aren't synchronizing properly' discussions have morphed into 'Oh, I have Aspergers - and I need alone time - please take care of the kids - I'll come by after watching a period film'.
> 
> Any tips?


Hi

You ought to stop letting her use the excuse of "I have Asperger's or I am an Aspie" etc. That is an excuse. 
In a way, you fed her all these "Western" psycho bubble and she's now using it as an excuse. She is probably having a laugh.


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## argyle (May 27, 2011)

...y'know...sure...it could be...but...

(a) The bit where she will freak out and wrap a jacket around her head in high stimulation areas...has been going on for 10 years. Or occasionally sleep curled up in the closet.
(b) So has the bit where she panics and absolutely fails to multitask - to the point where she, eg, rams into parked cars and adolescents on skateboards and accidentally cuts and burns herself on a semiregular basis.
(c) And, the many many panic attacks and painfully obvious misunderstandings... A toddler can parse emotional content and empathy better than she can. Seriously, I've checked. No comparison. The toddler gets it faster and easier. The thing that throws me is that people at Asperger's groups tend to end up giving her advice on empathy.*
(d) Such as a nearly complete inability to parse sarcasm or humor.
(e) And the strangely rigid communication style - where anything other than exact repetition leads to her thinking I'm talking about something else.
(f) And her ready admission that, yes, XYZ all showed near zero empathy and were more characteristic of NPD than anything else.* But that she seriously had no idea she could hurt someone else's feelings until someone explained it to her.
(g) She's not stupid. Actually smart and talented in a ton of ways. Just not much that translates into interpersonal success.
(h) The pure terror she feels in social situations - kind of comparable to someone walking across the street blindfolded.
(i) Her inability to filter background noise of any sort.
(j) A complete inability to lie believably.

I guess it could be something else. Or she could just be a bit odd. Or she could have been faking this sort of oddity with me, her family, her in-laws, her friends, and her co-workers for the last 10 years.

But, for now, Asperger's explains a lot. That, coupled with her explaining all her problems as being a result of other people's failings. She's working on the second part.

Besides, her taking excuses is mostly a relief. I'm perfectly capable of putting children to sleep on time. Letting her spend 2 hours bouncing around and stirring them up before she melts down...is more frustrating. I don't care at all about equal contributions, I'm just grateful that she's stopped insisting on doing things and failing every single time. I don't want her to clean. I just want her to stop claiming she'll clean later. If I plan based on her having a really limited capacity to help - I'm occasionally pleasantly surprised.

Still, some fraction of her feelings are always perfectly valid - or at least based on something she's sensed from the people involved. She just isn't very good at all at interpreting.

--Argyle
*
'I am so sorry. I never realized that hitting you with a bat could hurt your feelings.'
'Why is my BFF upset??? Okay, I'm in the bridal procession and I've been ignoring her texts, emails, and phone calls for the past 4 months. So? I don't get it. Maybe she's just mean?'
'Uh. Maybe it was a bad idea to brag about my child to the 50 year old with a single, severely autistic child.'


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