# My teen daughter did a bad thing...



## TX-SC

I never in a million years would have expected this. My 15 year old daughter was with me, my wife, and my 13 year old at a department store. As we were leaving, we were stopped by store security. My daughter had a couple of small items stuck up her sleeve and one in her purse. The total value was maybe $15, and yet she had $80 of her own money in her purse to spend as she wanted.

She was not charged, but she was banned from that chain and she will have to pay a penalty for shoplifting. She says she had some friends who told her to do it and that it was no big deal to them. Needless to say, she has to drop those friends.

I'm just blown away that she would do this. She is a good girl and I never would have imagined this from her. It happened today and she is very sorry, has been crying, and swears she will drop those friends and it will never happen again.

I just can't wrap my mind around this. My wife is livid. I, on the other hand, have been reassuring her that I still love her, but that I'm very disappointed. I explained that this is a HUGE deal and can affect the rest of her life if they had pressed charges.

Im just at a loss for where to go from here. How do I get it through to her the magnitude of stealing without making her think I'm "against" her. She seems very upset, but then she never should have even considered this to begin with. 

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## ConanHub

Reassure her that you love her just as much as ever but are very disappointed in her choices here.

Just talk to her, letting her talk about it as well.
Both my sons tried this and the same thing happened, though they were to scared to try it around me.

They had plenty of money and no need as well.

It is a stupid, juvenile choice. Kids sometimes do stupid things, pushing at boundaries. Growing pains suck but they need to experience it to grow.

Remind her about everything you love about her.

Tell her specifically how you love it when she does xyz(positive choices/actions) she has accomplished.

Give her a positive way to redeem herself.

Redeeming yourself is huge!!

Our prison system is a failure because it allows no way to redeem yourself, to pay back for what you have taken from others.

Don't know what redemption would look like for your daughter but giving her the opportunity to redeem herself in your eyes as well as her own would be very healthy.


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## uhtred

That's difficult. The problem is that someday a store will press charges- and that can be really bad. Teenagers are very bad at evaluating risks.

Is there any way to get through to her that some things are simply "wrong".


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## BioFury

Friends have an over-whelming impact on a kids development. They shape their thoughts, opinions, and views on life. You did the right thing in insisting those friends of hers be cut off. 

I've always been very surprised at how much control parents give to their children when it comes to their social life. Their kids start collecting bad habits, disrespectful attitudes, and they have "no idea" where they came from. They don't seem to understand that we become like the people we spend time with.


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## RoseAglow

When my sister was young, probably around 9 or 10, my mom found a huge stash of stolen trinkets hidden in my sister's closet. This crushed my parents. My mom took her to the store with all of the goods and made my sister admit she stole them, and she was there to return them.

That solution is obviously not applicable to your daughter. I share it only because unfortunately, I think shoplifting is fairly common. To my knowledge, my sister never stole again.

It's hard to impress the severity of these kind of issues on teenagers. Does your family do any volunteer work? Can you have her do some community "penance" like serving at soup kitchens or going out with adults to give coats/hats to homeless people? Some sort of way to let her see the end result of really bad decision making, but in a safe group. Maybe make her earn the fine in both money and service?


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## EleGirl

When my step daughter was about 14/15 she shoplifted a few times that I know of.

The first time she took a silver locket with an amethyst in it. When I found realized that she stole it, I took her back to Macy's and had her tell the clerk in the jewelry department that she shoplifted the locket. The clerk told her to keep it. That they would just write it off. I was pissed.

The next time was a few days before mother's day. I gave my son some money to buy me something and I gave my stepdaughter money to buy her mother something. Well the two kids decided to keep the money for themselves and shoplift mother's day presents. They were caught by store security trying to shoplift heart pendants with diamonds in them.. they were on sale for about $250 each.

The store security called me. They told me to take the two kids home. I told them nope, they need to be arrested... I was furious. I think that the security guys thought I was too tough. They talked me into taking the kids home. I gave them something like 2 months restriction. I'm pretty sure that my son never shoplifted again.


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## Satya

I once shoplifted a candy bar after my father had taken me on a grocery shopping trip with him. I think I was around 7 or 8.

He knew something was up when I kept putting my hand in my pocket. We were in the parking lot and he turned me right around, we went back in, and he asked someone at the customer service desk to call the manager. I had to apologize to the manager for stealing. I was crying and embarrassed. The manager was pleasantly surprised my father would take such measures.

My dad was talking with him, and I learned that my grandfather had been a manager for years in the same supermarket chain near the family home.

Needless to say, I have NEVER since stolen as much as a CENT from anyone and I have never forgotten that lesson.


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## Jamie296

I hate to say this but in today's times, we seem to have these kids who steal for the rush of it or steal because they juat don't want to pay for it. I don't really understand it but I have 2 older daughters, 17 and 19, and my 19 year old does this to get what she needs because she lives on her own. Her boyfriend is the same. It's disgusting to think that when I was growing up, we didn't do these things. We worked and made money to buy what we wanted. 
Kids today have too much and they alwsy want more. My 17 year old daughter is dating a boy who is in jail now for stealing. He's a great guy too but he has a problem with stealing things to make money. He has a ****ty home life, his dad is very overbearing. I've realized that I cant my oldest child but I have 3 more coming up and i constantly talk to them in a way they understand and continue to help them through life and try to help them make better decisions with guidance. 
I keep a friend realtionship with my children but I try to stay very careful not to cross lines and so far it's working well. I stay in tune with my 17 year old and she comes to me for some advice and i give her advice even when she doesn't want it sometimes but I do keep an open door policy to my kids. I try not to judge but I do let them know what can happen when you make stupid decisions. 
Just how I do things, but good luck with raising teens in today's world. It seems that no matter how good they were, they get into stuff that's going to affect the rest of their lives and they don't seem to understand that 

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## Jamie296

The law doesn't prosecute ebough to make these kids understand this is serious and so they keep doing it. 
My oldest stole over 1100 dollars from a store she worked at. She got probation out of it. That was bull**** to me!! Her mom and i both wanted her to go to jail that day but she was underage at the time. We had to foot the bill for a lawyer shortly after and again we wanted her locked up so she moved in with someone else in the family and got out of all of it. Now look at her, its truly pathetic. 

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## NickyT

Livid only goes so far. Yes, you as parents should let her know in no uncertain terms that the behavior is unacceptable and that there are consequences. If she is generally a good child, then your wife is making a mistake. Children make these mistakes and discover the boundaries of society within the confines of a loving home. It sounds like your wife is taking this way to personally and as a result, you are probably overcompensating to let your daughter know you love her. In effect, you are setting up a rift between you and your wife in your daughter's eyes.

You and your wife need to get on the same page about how you are going to deal with this. Your wife seems to think this is an indicator of your daughter's entire life, personality, etc. It is not. She made a mistake. It is not the mistakes you make that matter, it is how you clean them up and straighten out your path. THAT is the message you both need to be sending. Yes, you need to reassure that you love her, but with your wife withholding, you are only teaching her to doubt that love. Firm, loving guidance as to what is next, how she can move forward...that is what will show your love, and that is what will have her come to you in years to come with her problems.


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## marriageontherocks2

It's only a problem if the behavior continues, kids will push limits and boundaries. She's definitely not the first kid to shoplift. I would wager the vast majority of kids have shoplifted something in their life, I know I did when I was younger. I naturally one day just said "this is ****ty, I'm better than this", I actually repaid the vendor I had stolen from years past. I walked in and gave him $86.00 for a bunch of cassette tapes I had stolen.


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## Emerging Buddhist

RoseAglow said:


> Does your family do any volunteer work? Can you have her do some community "penance" like serving at soup kitchens or going out with adults to give coats/hats to homeless people? Some sort of way to let her see the end result of really bad decision making, but in a safe group. Maybe make her earn the fine in both money and service?


This thought should be framed...


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## Aspydad

When I was 14, I was hanging with the wrong crowd as well. I knew it was wrong to steel, but my friends were doing it and challenged me too - so I did. What we do was go to the 7-11 store near the school I went to, and buy an ICEE (Slurpey as they are called now) and then drink it while looking for other things in the store - we would put gum into the ICEE when no one was looking - probably stole 20 cents at a time probably around 10 times. I still feel guilty to this day. About 10 years ago I went to a 7-11 and bought something and then told the clerk to keep the change about 5 dollars to pay it back. I still feel guilty.

So, when my middle daughter - in her first year of college got caught shoplifting at a Walmart - I understood - even though to this day she denies she was trying to steel. She went through the self checkout and low and behold they actually have people watching on video to make sure that all items are scanned - she missed a $10 dollar item and got caught. She says it made the sound and she thought it got scanned. She threw the receipt out right away (why I do not know) and told me she did not even look at it - she did have other items. The thing is she was using my credit card and there was no limit - I pay for make-up and toiletries at college - it was not even her money - so why??? Anyway, the police got called and she was charged - but, since it was first offence the police did not want to pursue, it was dropped. But, Walmart had the option to press civil charges for the theft of $10 worth of stuff. How I found out about this is that I got a letter in the mail from a lawyer (representing Walmart) wanting about $500 to settle to save me from having to pay $2000 to Walmart if they pressed charges and won in court. I called this lawyer and told him to pound sand and that I would see them in court - never heard from them again.

It scared my daughter to death I know that. She was hanging with the wrong girl she had met in school - and bought in to the influence is my suspicion.


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## Yeswecan

My sister at the age of 13 shoplifted and was subsequently arrested. Cuffs, cop car and booked. It was enough for her to realize what she had done was wrong. She did need to appear in court. She was sent on with a slap on the hand but much much wiser to staying between the lines.


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## Magnesium

So what sort of consequence is she receiving from you and your wife? There absolutely must be a tangible consequence.

You and your wife need to discuss this privately and come up with a harsh enough consequence that can be delivered and maintained without dramatic emotion.


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## jorgegene

teach her a lesson somehow. all the comments/suggestions above are good; i would only add one thing: 
Don't worry about 'being against her'. you are her father first and not her 'pal' first and foremost.
discipline is one of your primary roles in her life. my dad kicked my ass a few times because i deserved it and he hated every second of it.
to this day i thank him. now i know we cant use physical punishment in this day and age, but the lesson is the same.
your daughter will someday appreciate stern discipline.

when we were young, my older brother stoled a model from the local hobby shop. my mom found out and made him take it back to the shop.
it was pretty humiliating. a delinquent? He went on to get his doctorate from Stanford.

i got into delinquency myself. i used to steal records from record stores. not once, but many times. I did a lot of other crummy things too.
too bad and too many to mention on this forum. why? in those days it was to 'screw society'.
i kept this up until i got caught one day by security and was in the grasp of a security guard, then i broke my arm free and out ran the guards 
and the cops running like my pants were on fire.

i got away, but scared the living crap out of me and i never stole again.


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## Thor

RoseAglow said:


> It's hard to impress the severity of these kind of issues on teenagers. Does your family do any volunteer work? Can you have her do some community "penance" like serving at soup kitchens or going out with adults to give coats/hats to homeless people? Some sort of way to let her see the end result of really bad decision making, but in a safe group. Maybe make her earn the fine in both money and service?


You know I really like this idea a lot. I would try to make at least some of it a family event.

At this point I think she seems to be emotional enough about it to likely not have done this before and likely not to do it again. At some point in the future I would sit down with both kids and explain to them the nature of *permanent* computer records. Unlike even just a few years ago, minor events will now be known forever to college admissions, future employers, and even future relationships. Heck, an old issue with cancelled auto insurance when I moved out of state in 1987 came back to bite me when the state digitized and uploaded all their old (and very defective) records decades later! Gone are the days of a piece of paper in a file cabinet from juvenile court being thrown away when the child completes whatever the judge required in penance.

Your kids need to be aware of the zero-tolerance standards and truly permanent records. We used to laugh about "That will go on your permanent record", but now it is real.


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## chillymorn69

Seems like a one off thing.

She seems repentant. It will never happen again . She should thank her lucky stars that they cut her a huge break.

But stress this to her and kept her to her word of ditching her bad friends!


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## Cooper

OK first thing is she isn't going to "drop" those friends, teen social dynamics don't work that way, best you can do is restrict her ability to hang out unsupervised. She is old enough to know stealing is wrong, her friends were not there egging her on, this is 100% on her, she did this because she thought she could get away with it. If she is comfortable enough to steal while mom and dad are with her don't kid yourself thinking this is a first or one time thing. 

First thing I would do is search her room, you need to see if other things turn up or what else she is up to. She needs to be grounded for a time and then her activities closely monitored after that. 

We all want to believe our kids are great but the reality is many times our kids are not who we think.


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## David Darling

BioFury said:


> Friends have an over-whelming impact on a kids development. They shape their thoughts, opinions, and views on life. You did the right thing in insisting those friends of hers be cut off.
> 
> I've always been very surprised at how much control parents give to their children when it comes to their social life. Their kids start collecting bad habits, disrespectful attitudes, and they have "no idea" where they came from. They don't seem to understand that we become like the people we spend time with.


So true. I read somewhere that by far the most important factor determining how kids turned out: is their friends and not their parents.


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## BioFury

David Darling said:


> So true. I read somewhere that by far the most important factor determining how kids turned out: is their friends and not their parents.


During the final developmental years (teens through early twenties), kids spend more time around their friends than they do their parents. So it would only be logical.

It's ironic that these are the years that parents take more of a backseat role in their child's development. Giving them the freedom to become whoever they want to be or some garbage.


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## TX-SC

Thanks everyone for the great replies!

She is on restriction for four months, until her birthday. She is turning 16 in March and many of her friends are celebrating their 16th birthday this year. I'm on the fence about allowing an exception for those. Otherwise, no sleepovers or visiting friends. She also has to spend four Saturdays working with me clearing brush on my property.

Aside from the above, she has shown real remorse and is, I think, being truthful. She tells me she stole a trinket of some kind from Walmart once, so this is her second time stealing.

She has been diagnosed with bipolar symptoms, plus she has depression and anxiety issue for which she takes medication. She said that at the time, she was on a high (manic) and it didn't seem like a big deal.

I have an appointment scheduled for her therapist and her psychiatrist. 

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## turnera

I would advise a trip to the police station, pre-arranged, to let her see what happens to kids who do more.


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## TX-SC

We received the bill from Kohl's today: $150. She is paying for that with her own money.

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## Blondilocks

If that doesn't teach her a lesson, I don't know what will.


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## Volunteer86

Well growing up, I was always told anything I did was going on my "Permanent Record" which scared me to death now I am thinking what is a permanent record....


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