# Dealing with clingy s2b ex h



## CaliMomof3 (Jan 3, 2011)

Hi Everyone,

I am new here but from what I was reading it seems there is much wisdom to gain from all of you so I would like to request your advice.

At my request, my husband moved out in May 2010 after 11 1/2 years of marriage and I am currently filing for legal separation. He is fully aware of my intentions. The thing is we have 3 children together whom I feel he is using to force personal time with me. Prior to moving out, he really had no interest in them, spent little time talking or interacting with them, and the only way he would spend time with them was when we did something as a family.

Now he keeps telling me he has changed and he's sorry and he wants to prove to me he is a different man. While I appreciate all of his gestures, I filed for divorce 7 years ago due to the same circumstances and he made the same promises and claims then. I am not willing to go down this path with him again.

He keeps telling me he loves me, that he would die for me, all he cares about is my happiness. Again, this is great, however what I really need is time and space from him. The more he pushes the more I feel myself pull away. He only hears what he wants to hear in all things and will badger me to try to get me to agree with what he wants. I am so frustrated and irritated with him. I feel very trapped and I am struggling emotionally with feelings of melancholy and the desire to run away.

I really wanted to try to keep things amicable for the sake of the children but I feel he is taking advantage of my efforts. He takes our boys for the night and I tell them no more video game before bed and he turns around and tells them they can play. I have great kids because they tell him mom said no so we cannot. I guess this is just venting but I feel very disrespected by him in many areas and this is yet another example. 

I work from home so I care for the children during the work week. Our agreement between us is he is supposed to have them on Friday nights and on Saturdays. He also comes every morning to walk them to school which they enjoy. I feel like I should be a total jerk and be hard nosed about not coming every day and only on the weekend. Like I said, I was trying to be amicable and not hurt the children, they are 4,5, and 9, so they don't understand what is going on. The more he is around he says things and I feel hurt all over again. I am constantly trying to stamp it down. He spends all weekend at the house just hanging out, usually keeping tabs on me. He actually went through the garbage this morning claiming he was sorting the recyclables from the trash.

I am just overwhelmed with feelings of anger, hurt, frustration, irritation and fighting a feeling of desperation to disappear. Nothing will make me hurt my children but I don't know how to work with him in a way that is not hurtful. He is hurting me but he doesn't want to be alone so it doesn't matter. I feel like I am falling apart. I apologize if I am blabbering and not making sense. This is the first time I've tried to put everything into words and there is just so many small things that are driving me nuts I cannot put it all out. Regardless, I appreciate anyone who bothers to read through all of this and any advice or suggestions.


----------



## sad_dad (Dec 20, 2010)

Your relationship sounds similar to my ex-wife and I. 

A strong type of sub-conscoious attraction is between opposite personality types.....this is not bad, you naturally seek to pick a mate that makes up for your weaknesses.

One of the common dynamics is called "fuser/isolator". The fuser wants a close relationship and clings to his partner. The isolator when upset pushes away. At that point, the fuser tries to pull closer to his partner, which continues to push her away.

So try to understand his feelings....you are hurting him just as much by pulling away as he is hurting you by coming close to you.

The key (I've heard) is to understand more of the dynamics if you want to fix things. This relationship type is also known as "people pleaser/injustice collector". The "people pleaser" usually takes the heat when things go wrong in order to keep his partner from going away, but this builds up resentment in him. The injustice collector always blames her partner and pushes him away. This creates a cylcle. The people-pleaser promises to change when the injustice collector gets upset, but the cycle keeps repeating.

I'm in the biggest grand-daddy example of this cycle ever.....my wife divorced me and says she'll take me back "if I change". I changed enough to start therapy and try to undertand the dynamic.

Take it for what it is worth...free advice on a blog. I believe that two people are involved when a relationship goes bad. And fixing communication is the key to fxing the relationship. But I have not been successful in doing that.

My wife says all the things that you do. The best thing he could do is cut off contact with you and let you think.

If you do want to fix things with him, you guys probably need to work out expectations for the relationship much better.


----------



## CaliMomof3 (Jan 3, 2011)

I hear what you are saying and I appreciate your insight. I tried for years to reach him but he was emotionally unavailable. I blamed myself, I tried to change, I tried to be more interesting and independent and even started my own business thinking it would help him respect me but I was never enough for him. Finally I snapped inside. I asked him to leave and I asked for time and space to figure out what I wanted and needed. At that time he came to full attention but it was too late. Now he badgers me and clings and I feel just as isolated from him but in a different way. I just don't know how to be "friends" with him for the sake of the children while working through what is becoming more intense and negative for me.


----------



## sad_dad (Dec 20, 2010)

Have him go to amazon.com and get a book on separations.

One book that I read is "Getting back together, how to reconcile with your partner and make it last".

It talks about why you need to stay apart....so each party can heal (and grow) emotionally. And that time will help fade the injuries.

My (ex) wife feels the same way that you do....I contantly try to pull her back in. She's said from the beginning that she is open to it, but needs time. Her reaction is about the same as yours.

I've finally started getting it the last month or so...he needs to build a separate life from you while you deal with your stuff.

Good luck. I hate to see families broken apart.


----------



## CaliMomof3 (Jan 3, 2011)

Thank you again for your insight. I agree, tearing apart our family has been emotionally devastating for me. I do feel responsible because this is my decision. I'll recommend the book and see if he is willing to give that a try. Thanks again!


----------



## sad_dad (Dec 20, 2010)

I've been separated from June 2010 (one month less than you). 

She wanted a quick divorce while we are apart instead of a legal separation. Plans to be apart for 1-2 years before getting back together, if we do. Who knows. She's been coming with me to my therapist and we've talked about getting back together.


----------



## CaliMomof3 (Jan 3, 2011)

I wish you and your wife all the best as you work through your issues. I feel that if my hubby would have listened - well any point in our relationship would have earned major points - things would not be where they are at today. I hope you are able to reconcile and find the joy and peace you are both searching for. Thank you again for your comments and suggestions and I wish you both the very best.


----------



## sad_dad (Dec 20, 2010)

Thanks, we'll see what happens. She seems to be frustrated with the amount of time it is taking. Of course, she set the timeline.

One thing to add about your husband listening......don't underestimate how poor communication can be under stress. If you are trying to tell him something when both of you are upset, it it likely that no real information is passed, and it is forgotten by him once you've calmed down.

The therapist that I am going to is practically interpreting to me what my wife is trying to tell me. Major communication problems between us on some things. We are both really smart, but we think very differently. So it is easy to discount the others thoughts.

That's part of the difference between the sexes. 

You may want to find a GOOD marriage counselor to help if you are serious about things.

For fuser/isolator couples (if that is what you are), I've read that marriage counseling by itself is ineffective. You need to go to a few joint sessions, and then go to separate sessions until you understand what you are doing to one another. Once that wisdom is gained, you an resume joint counseling.

Again, this is free advice on a blog by someone who's had a year of therapy and read a dozen marriage and relationship books.

Good luck.


----------



## CaliMomof3 (Jan 3, 2011)

We've tried marriage counseling and while he said all the right things, nothing really changed. Communication has always been an issue however I don't know how to change that. I can say the same thing five different ways but ultimately if it is not what he wants to hear, then he does not hear me. That has not changed. He is really a very stubborn person with his own ideas and objectives and that is really all that matters to him. Before his objective was his job and his on-line friends. Now all he is focused on is me. I feel overwhelmed and frustrated and trapped.

I really do appreciate your perspective in this matter. I am so lost right now. I feel a bit desperate and I am at a loss for what to do. All I wanted was to end the bad relationship and try to go on in a friendly fashion for the sake of our children but that seems to be blowing up in my face. I am now feeling like I need to rip off the band aid, for lack of a better expression. I really don't want to be a total B%$CH but I honestly don't see how to proceed without making some major attitude changes. He is not leaving me any choice, so I feel.


----------

