# What more can I do?



## Stang1023 (Sep 25, 2018)

I am fustraded sexually and physically tired. I cook the meals, get my child ready for daycrare bring him there pick him up, do the laundry, do the dishes, pick up the house, hired a cleaner every other week to clean, help meal plan, help order groceries online for delivery, feed the dog, take care of the vehicles, and do the yard work. I am at a loss for words because while I am fine doing all of this my wife insists that she dose her share, however everytime I look she is playing a game on her phone. She says that she is to stressed out, she acts like sex is a chore. She was putting our child to bed and watching him while I cook but I have been doing that with her, now I am reading to my child every other night so she can have some quite time from it. She has a hard time initiating sex and I am doing all of this in hope that she will initiate more but it dose not seem right. Any advice to help? I love my wife but it is slowly pushing me away and she wonders why. She gets defensive if I bring it up and there is no reasoning. She dose give our child baths every other night and take our child to swimming on saturdays.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

None of the things you listed turn a woman on. Doing them doesn't help. Not doing them hurts. The problem is that for what ever reason, your wife just isn't into sex with you.


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

Uh oh...Looks like another wife lost respect for the husband! You are so good at being the family "appliance" that she has now relegated you to that "permanent" position. You have been relegated to the same value as your microwave or coffee maker. Useful, but just barely noticed and easily thrown away....

If you want to change the dynamic here, YOU have to be the one that does it. Do NOT expect her to change the status quo. But, be warned...You may find that she rather just trade up for another chump that will do laundry and cook...Read: beta. (Plenty of them to go around!)

Stop doing things for her. You obviously need your dishes washed, do yours. You need clothes, only yours get washed. If she is playing games on the phone, and not actually partaking in family life, quit paying the phone bro!

Seriously, this is a zero sum game here. You are an obviously talented provider and caretaker. And she views you only as that. Not an equal in the relationship, or loving partner to go through life with. 

But there is the million dollar question....Do you want this type of lifestyle for the rest of your life? To be a piece of furniture in the home that is occasionally used, but hardly noticed? Her defensiveness is her self entitlement. Why should she HAVE to be put out to deal with YOUR needs????

Ultimately, start doing things for yourself. And do not become confrontational. You need to take care of yourself and start by doing things with the kids and you only. Do NOT include her. She hasn't earned it. You time, your dedication, your fealty. When she begins to bring this up, you need to be to the point and not defensive. Just telling her, that this is NOT an equal partnership and you feel a need to step back and re-evaluate this situation. If she starts to argue and scream, you need to gently let her know that you will NOT allow this to happen and walk away. When she is ready to have a serious discussion, you are all ears. Until then, this is the "new" normal....

If she starts back biting and throwing "history revision 101" in your face, let her know that you are sorry she feels that way, but your needs come first now. And you are seeing what it is like to be a single parent and provider. You love her, but you cannot continue living this way. 

Also, if she is willing, a good counselor can be a great mediation device and take blame away from both of you....


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

I agree with @samyeagar. Doing them might not help, but working through all of those chores together does allow more time spent together, which in turn, probably leads to a better, more active sex life. I had the same problem, but different. When I was married to my now-ex, I did everything around the house/yard (no kids though). He sat on his butt and "worked" for his job, but in reality, he played games, went on Facebook, etc. Then, he sat on his butt in front of the TV. At the end of the day, I was too tired to have sex, and quite frankly, all I wanted to do was put my feet up, then go to sleep. Our sex life was awful, and it never got better. It hit the point where it made me feel nauseous to think about doing it with him. So, same same but different from your situation. 

I get where you're coming from, and here's what I'd do: sit down with your wife, and tell her that you need her to contribute more around the house/yard/with your child. Tell her that it needs to be 50/50, and that you guys need to start working on your marriage. Put you guys first for once. If things don't improve, I'd suggest marriage counselling, and if that doesn't work, I would suggest a separation.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Your situation is not unique and if you do some browsing here you'll see it's been talked about many time. Read married man's sex life primer. It will go through what's going on with you and how to correct it.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

It sounds like she is just going through the motions of being a wife, a homemaker, a Mom, a lover.

Maybe she is depressed. 
If the child goes to childcare, I assume your wife is working? How is her work situation?

You may need to get out of the house and do things together. 
If your child is very young this is difficult.


If young you can go to the park, the zoo, the beach, to Chucky Cheese, to McDonalds that has the indoor play area. 
Just getting out of the house can help.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

If she were reading a book instead of playing a game on her phone, would you still feel the same way?

Have you asked her to list everything she does, like you did on this thread? Do you think her list would be as long as yours, or longer?

I do a lot of things that my husband isn't even aware of, and yet his list is long. Mine would be full of little things that he would not think are important (hence that is why they are not on his list.) He has things on his list that would never occur to me. That is why we are a team.

You need to talk with her about our sexual frustration and tiredness. Tell her that the two of you need to reassess both of your lists, so you can get some things off your list.

She won't like this, if the two of you aren't in the habit of discussing the duties on a regular basis. But you need to start somewhere.


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

[I am fustraded sexually and physically tired. I cook the meals, get my child ready for daycrare bring him there pick him up, do the laundry, do the dishes, pick up the house, hired a cleaner every other week to clean, help meal plan, help order groceries online for delivery, feed the dog, take care of the vehicles, and do the yard work. I am at a loss for words because while I am fine doing all of this my wife insists that she dose her share]


Nope...Guys, OP is doing ALL the work here. She only has time for the phone...And it's sooo stressing! lol

He is a doormat. She is a taker. Nuff said.

Quit it and start picking yourself off the ground man!!!!


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## BigDigg (Jan 11, 2018)

What more can you do? You are asking exactly the wrong question OP. Doing more and putting her needs above yours is exactly how you got into this mess. To quote the infinitely wise Ferris Bueller "You can't respect someone who kisses your ***"


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

OP, you are Mr. BETA, the undesirable man. Women do not respect nor are attracted to weak, passive men like you. 

You need to man up, and start BEING (not acting) strong, confident, mysterious, and unavailable, just like she is. 

Wake up man. Read and learn on how to get your Mojo back (if you ever had it).


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Chores are a red herring. What is your wife doing on her phone all the time? Is it just games? Is she secretive with her phone?

I think going down the road of "who does more" and comparing lists is futile. That will just breed scorekeeping resentment. And it will not motivate her to have sex.

You say you hope she will initiate. Do you initiate? I am a very sexual woman, but I can tell you it would be a massive turn off for my husband to be sexually passive and expect ME to do all the initiating. Has you stopped initiating because of her rejection?


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## Tex X (May 17, 2017)

Bananapeel said:


> Your situation is not unique and if you do some browsing here you'll see it's been talked about many time. Read married man's sex life primer. It will go through what's going on with you and how to correct it.


I would also add No More Mr Nice Guy to the reading [email protected];


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## Stang1023 (Sep 25, 2018)

I do not keep score. I still do initiate. I gladly do the thing that I do because I enjoy them. Her rejection in the past has made me initiate less but I still try. We still are having sex a few times a month but I would like it more. I just don’t know how to get her to open up more to it. I have taken on a lot to hope it takes the burden and stress off her. I can handle it and it does not effect my sex drive like it would Hers.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Stang1023 said:


> I do not keep score. I still do initiate. I gladly do the thing that I do because I enjoy them. Her rejection in the past has made me initiate less but I still try. We still are having sex a few times a month but I would like it more. I just don’t know how to get her to open up more to it. I have taken on a lot to hope it takes the burden and stress off her. I can handle it and it does not effect my sex drive like it would Hers.


I was not even going to post on this, everyone else did such a good job. 

I hope you can actually read, you seem to write well enough. 

Let me start here. Your wife does not want to talk to you or really have sex with you because she is not attracted to you. 

She works I guess because you take the kids to daycare. So why should you do more than her, that is one place to start. What is she so stressed about. 

Look, you sound like ever other Beta boy male that think their wife will want them more if you do more. Not at all. They will want to have more sex if the are attractive to them.

You are not attractive. You are the beta provider, duty sex guy. Now, if she is not having an affair, big red flag check out of the relationship and staying on the phone all the time, but if she is not having an affair, then if you read the books suggested and put them into action, you might have a chance. 

If you keep doing what you are doing, then this is your life, little love if any, working your ass off, and very little duty sex, which she will cut off in a few years. 

Do you understand what I am saying???


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## Tex X (May 17, 2017)

Stang1023 said:


> I do not keep score. I still do initiate. I gladly do the thing that I do because I enjoy them. Her rejection in the past has made me initiate less but I still try. We still are having sex a few times a month but I would like it more. I just don’t know how to get her to open up more to it. I have taken on a lot to hope it takes the burden and stress off her. I can handle it and it does not effect my sex drive like it would Hers.


You're adding up all the things that you do and posting about them so yes that is a form of score keeping. Left unchecked that will turn in to some serious resentment. The problem is that she knows you should not be doing all of that, and the fact that you are has caused her to lose respect for you. You need to start doing things for yourself - hobbies, hanging out with buddies, etc. By doing everything around the house and being so available - well a woman is just not turned on by that. It appears weak and needy. You need to sit down and have a chat with your wife. Let her know that your needs are not being met and that you want some changes in the household. She needs to start pulling more of the load, and you two need more quality time together. 

From the sounds of it you need to back off a little and work on yourself. Read the books mentioned in this thread and do the work.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Stang1023 said:


> I do not keep score. I still do initiate. I gladly do the thing that I do because I enjoy them. Her rejection in the past has made me initiate less but I still try. We still are having sex a few times a month but I would like it more. I just don’t know how to get her to open up more to it. I have taken on a lot to hope it takes the burden and stress off her. I can handle it and it does not effect my sex drive like it would Hers.


There's a fallacy in your reasoning. You are doing what's called a covert contract, which essentially means you are taking on more work in exchange for sex, only this was never negotiated directly with your wife so she doesn't know she is supposed to be part of the deal. These covert contracts will end up with you getting hurt and upset that she didn't meet a need of yours that you kept to yourself. Overall they are an ineffective plan and a hallmark of someone that doesn't have the confidence to approach a problem directly and deal with the consequences. 

Back when I was married there was a brief time when my wife decided she wasn't as into sex and stopped initiating and started to reject my advances. Instead of doing the covert contract thing I just pulled her aside to talk one night and calmly explained that we each get to choose what we want to do in the relationship and if she was unilaterally choosing to limit my sex life then I would respect her decision...but I would also make a unilateral choice to alter our relationship by ending the marriage and finding someone that wanted to be with me. She thought about what she wanted, figured I was the best guy she could get and wanted to keep me, then she adjusted her priorities rather than ignore my desires. It was very simple and direct and had the desired outcome for both of us (she respected me for being direct and honest which attracted her more to me and I ended the sexual rejection). This only worked because she knew I meant it and she knew I'd have no problem quickly finding a replacement for her that would jump at the chance to be with me.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I'm going to weigh in as a woman to give you my perspective. I'm not attracted to a housekeeper. I'm attracted to a man who takes the reins and says what he means and means what he says. The men here are giving you excellent advice. Did I find it attractive when my husband cooked dinner? Sure. He loved to cook, so I let him have at it. But he wasn't whining and complaining because he felt he had to do it. 

And, yes, you DO have a covert contract with your wife. And your wife has lost her attraction for you. Take charge of this situation or continue to put up with more of the same. Seriously.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)




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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

TAM is getting good at spotting doormat behavior.

TAM is getting good at offering the cure.

TAM is good at getting the embarrassed doormats to hide under the bed and not post.

Or, so it seems.



[THRD]


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

SunCMars said:


> TAM is getting good at spotting doormat behavior.
> 
> TAM is getting good at offering the cure.
> 
> ...


 As long as people can unzip their flies and mark their territory, it's worth it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

personofinterest said:


> As long as people can unzip their flies and mark their territory, it's worth it.


I think I agree with @SunCMars on this one.

What we seem to get from some folks on TAM is: "Why, if she were *my* wife, I'd..." And other folks on TAM nod and say: "Sure you would, buddy."


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

SunCMars said:


> TAM is getting good at spotting doormat behavior.
> 
> TAM is getting good at offering the cure.
> 
> ...


Doormat men are the toughest spouses we deal with on TAM, I swear. They never want accept that their behavior is what allows them to be walked on, and most really don't want to change, for whatever reason. I do kind of get where they are coming from, I mean it does SEEM logical that taking on so much of the workload and accepting the wife's behavior would make the wife happy, therefore she should want to make HIM happy. Right?? Real life just doesn't work that way. Wife ends up feeling entitled and lazy, I mean why should she put out any effort when HE takes care of everything? After a while, she notices that his passivity is NOT attractive, and so the circle spirals.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

The beatings will continue until morale improves


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

personofinterest said:


> As long as people can unzip their flies and mark their territory, it's worth it.


Easy for you to say, Dear!:surprise:

You may want to, but can't! :grin2:


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

My advice: ASK for sex, or make a move; get a job if you're not working; hit the gym; file for divorce. How she responds will determine whether you follow through on it.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

are you willing to walk away from this marriage to demonstrate that you are not a doormat?

look it this way at 50% of parenthood you get your kid 2 weeks out of the month and 2 weeks to have someone who wants you for you. those sound like better odds than you have now. right now you have 100% of parenthood and 0% of sex and relationship.


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