# I filed for divorce Husband wants marriage now



## Joy17 (Jul 6, 2017)

Hello, 

I have been with my husband for 11 yrs, married 9 (no kids) and we are early 50’s. I filed for divorce recently.

He wants to make our marriage work. I did not expect his response especially considering why I filed.

Our marriage has had incredible highs, but horrible lows. I consider his behavior towards me emotionally abusive and controlling. 

I know I am not perfect but the big difference to me is that I tried over the years, I went to therapy (alone), I wrote him letters, read books, proposed plans to fix things......from my perspective he did the bare minimum if anything. 

He has been clear in the past, that this "who" he is. 

We had a good/decent 1.5 yrs and then a 6 month period like many before that utterly broke my hope for our marriage. 

He was angry at me for what I consider non – incidents for months. He was cruel, it was another period where I don’t recognize who he even is. It was very bad and during this time, he also threatened me with divorce at a very bad moment. To me, it was beyond cruel.

He knows how I feel about all of this, I am not , I resigned myself to divorce. 

He asked me to give him a chance to come up with a plan to save our marriage. To his credit he did not get a lawyer (I still have one), and also freely signed legal docs to make me feel safe financially. 

He is starting with seeing a therapist to see what he can do/get advice and come up with a plan. He wants to give it a chance as we can always divorce. He says if I still want a divorce after that we can do so and part respectfully. At least we gave it a last try. 

I don’t know how or if a marriage can be saved once it reaches this point. 


Any suggestions for me or him? 

Thank you for your time, Joy


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Go ahead with the divorce. After the divorce let him court you.

I would date other men. I would NOT mention this to him. Unless you are done with him.

He needs to think he has a chance. If he knows you have shared your freed-up [Miss Friendly] with other men he will get angry and give up.

He will have to get in the Beau Line Knot class....just like anyone else.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Give it one last chance. If he returns to where he was, you'll have all the paperwork ready to go.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Joy17 said:


> I did not expect his response especially considering why I filed.
> 
> Our marriage has had incredible highs, but horrible lows. I consider his behavior towards me emotionally abusive and controlling.





Joy17 said:


> He was angry at me for what I consider non – incidents for months. He was cruel, it was another period where I don’t recognize who he even is. It was very bad and during this time, he also threatened me with divorce at a very bad moment. To me, it was beyond cruel.





Joy17 said:


> Any suggestions for me or him?


Can you be more specific please? Why exactly was he mad at you? How did he try to control/abuse you? What did he say that was cruel to you besides threatening divorce?


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## Joy17 (Jul 6, 2017)

BetrayedDad said:


> Can you be more specific please? Why exactly was he mad at you? How did he try to control/abuse you? What did he say that was cruel to you besides threatening divorce?


 Shortly after we married he began getting “angry” at me, anger means silent treatment for days or longer. Yelling at me, telling me I am a spoiled brat, ungrateful etc. He has rules how things should be done, and extremely critical if I do not do them “right”. For example running the dishwasher partly full will upset him. I used a real apple once in a xmas centerpiece and intended to compost it afterward. He was so angry with me for wasting an apple hedid not speak to me for days.

He shifts into a depressive angry place and this goes on for months.

Over the years when he gets “bad” he started threatening me financially as I am dependent on him. He put me on “marriage” trial 2x where he says during this time any agreement we had he will not honor. He will later go back to normal but he has never “removed” this threat. He has told me I am ok if I am married to him but not – if I am not (meaning financially). 
He has told me several times he thinks he should divorce me, separate, disappear so to speak. I have begged him not to do this anymore and I said I wanted time to figure out how to get work so I can support myself again. Then he doesn’t want me to go back to work focus on our marriage, I don’t need to we have plenty of money etc. 
When he is happy life is a joy and it can last 9 months, this last time 1.5 yrs…..but over the years I found myself “trained” not to raise any issues and to comply with his even unspoken “rules”. 
He admits to some of this but says he really never meant it, it was anger. He also says he does not remember some of the incidents. I do believe he does not remember everything. 

This spring - my final "straw"

We were moving between apartments and it was very busy long day. We did not have a car at the moment and agreed to let some friends drive us home at the end of the move (we borrowed their car for moving). At the end of the day they planned on driving us and my husband suddenly said no, we will walk (30 min), they kept offering and even said they thought I would like a ride home. 

As we were walking I decided to say something, keep in mind I am very careful as I know better. I told him I would appreciate if next time he would involve me in the decision, I was tired and would have liked the ride home. 

The rest of the walk he was FURIOUS with me (walking fast blaming me, then refusing to speak or look at me) and me begging him not to get so upset, etc etc. 
He did not forgive me and says I ruined our first move/night into our special new place. He was angry at me for MONTHS over this. This was the clear “start” of one of his anger periods, this was the initiating event from my perspective. 

During this time I felt he abandoned me emotionally as I was to have a surgery, I ended up doing the research etc and setting things up on my own as he seemed disinterested at best. He was in anger mode and ignoring me as he does. 

I found my probable surgeon and set up the appt with the plan of seeing him to set up surgery date. My husband was generally aware of what was going on and when I told him I finally got the appt set up …. He got angry about all sorts of things and told me he was “sick and tired” of my health problems and that “I am on my own re the surgery” implying financial and personal support. He also said that “I had better figure out how to get to the appt on my own” (as we didn’t have a car there and needed to borrow from his friends). Then he went on to say how he thinks maybe we should separate or divorce in the future. He mentioned some places he may be going (on his own). 

So I canceled my surgery with his knowledge. I then returned home on my own. He returned recently and I had already filed for divorce. 

He says he partially remembers, anger issue and thought I could get by without surgery awhile longer. 
This was it for me. Anger or not this makes me fear growing old with him. I cannot rationalize anything to excuse what happened.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

With all due respect, divorce this child and marry a man.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Consider telling him about this website, since he is already fully aware how you feel.
You can each post your feelings on what has happened, and will happen...and both get a lot of helpful support.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

Divorce him and get some therapy. Why did you put up with this hideous abusive creature for so long?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Why are you married to him?


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## Joy17 (Jul 6, 2017)

I just filed for divorce. Not sure what you are asking.


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## Joy17 (Jul 6, 2017)

When I met him I thought he was amazing. He loves the outdoors like I do, we had all of these adventures, hiking....camping....it was so fun. We both grew up poor, little things are special to him. He had this "farm boy" charm, old fashioned in a way. He saved bugs...like I did, I always felt bad killing a spider even if they give me the willies so I "catch and release".

I have been on my own a lot, left home young, no living family. We wanted the same things in life. He was a hard worker, we both are....
Anyway, I loved him. We married after 3 years, I thought I knew him. He seemed so trustworthy...loyal. I didn't press him for marriage ever, he wanted it, I felt so lucky to meet him...later in life like I did. Married for the first time in my life. I was so happy to think I would be part of a family after all, even if small. 

The happiest more unexpected thing in my life became the saddest of my adult life. I tried for a long time to make it work but here I am.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

This is a tough one......


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Joy
All due respect, but until he commits to some psychotherapy, I would not entertain any thought of halting the process. This is mental abuse at minimum, and can easily escalate. Please be careful.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Spicy said:


> Consider telling him about this website, since he is already fully aware how you feel.
> You can each post your feelings on what has happened, and will happen...and both get a lot of helpful support.


Spicy
I disagree, she should use this forum as a safe place. A place for her thoughts and to receive solid advice. Forums such as this can be cathartic. If her husband were to join, it could disintegrate terribly.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Joy, the behaviors you describe are warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Specifically, the irrational anger, verbal abuse, icy withdrawal, controlling actions, temper tantrums, need for drama, lack of impulse control, and always being "The Victim" -- are classic warning signs for BPD. Importantly, I'm not suggesting your H has full-blown BPD but, rather, that he may exhibit strong traits of it.



> Our marriage has had incredible highs, but horrible lows.


Joy, the two most common causes of such extreme mood changes are _hormone change_ and _drug abuse_. Given that your H started exhibiting these mood changes over ten years ago and is not a drug abuser, it seems unlikely that hormones or drugs are a source of his instability. I therefore note that the two remaining common causes of strong mood changes are _BPD_ and _Bipolar Disorder_. Most of the behaviors you describe sound like red flags for BPD. Those red flags include the event-triggered rages, cold sulking, verbal abuse, and rapid flips between adoring you and hating you -- which are symptoms for BPD. 

The repeating periods of depression, however, are a warning sign for bipolar. I mention this because, if your H actually is a BPDer (i.e., if he is on the upper third of the BPD spectrum), there is a 41% chance he also suffers from bipolar disorder. See Table 3 at* 2008 Study in JCP*.



> He is starting with seeing a therapist to see what he can do/get advice and come up with a plan.


If his therapist decides that your H's BPD traits are so severe and persistent as to constitute full-blown BPD, it is unlikely that the therapist will tell him (much less tell you) the name of that disorder. Therapists generally are loath to tell a high functioning BPDer client the diagnosis name because, for several reasons, it is not in that client's best interests to be told. 

Hence, if you are still hesitant to divorce your H, I suggest you see your own psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you are dealing with. That way, you are ensured that the psychologist is ethically bound to protect YOUR best interests, not those of your H.

I caution that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a spectrum disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your H exhibits BPD traits. Of course he does. We all do. 

Rather, at issue is whether he exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper third of the BPD spectrum). Not having met him, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," lack of impulse control, and temper tantrums.

Of course, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your H's issues. Although strong BPD symptoms are easy to spot, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe as to constitute full-blown BPD. Yet, like learning warning signs for breast cancer and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid remaining in a toxic marriage or, if you do decide to divorce him, avoid running right into the arms of another man just like him.

I therefore suggest that, while you're looking for a good psychologist, you take a quick look at my list of red flags at _*18 BPD Warning Signs*_ to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you read my more detailed description of them at my posts in _*Maybe's Thread*_. You may also want to read my discussion of _12 *Bipolar/BPD Differences*_. If those descriptions ring many bells and raise questions, I would be glad to join the other respondents in discussing them with you. Take care, Joy.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I'd give him another chance, with the caveat that you separate for a year (at least). Let him get therapy, medication (if needed), work on himself, etc. This is what is often suggested for someone dealing with an alcoholic spouse. Alcoholics are notorious for promising the sky when their enabler is about to walk. I know that from first-hand experience.

Tell him if he's sincere, he'll do this on his own. If he balks then you'll know he's all talk, no action.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

And an added p.s. - Carefully read what Uptown has written. He KNOWS a thing or two about BPD. If you have a BPD'er on your hands, heaven help you! (I strongly suspect my mother suffered from this disorder - it's HELL to live with.)


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I think you're wasting your time with this guy.

He showed you who he is when he thought you weren't going anywhere.

There's a good chance that he'll double down on the abuse if you go back to make sure you don't leave again. 

He's an abuser.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Honestly, he sounds like a real nutter and I would encourage you to get as far away from him as you can.

Proceed with divorce. Encourage him to get mental health counseling. You can always date him again (much caution advised here) if his mental instability improves.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

You've invested 11 years. From my perspective you've already wasted enough years on a man that doesn't care for you. 

A person that loves you does not do what he did for so many years. You may think he's trying now, but it would be better if you divorce and left him work on his issues alone.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Joy17 said:


> Shortly after we married he began getting “angry” at me, anger means silent treatment for days or longer. Yelling at me, telling me I am a spoiled brat, ungrateful etc. He has rules how things should be done, and extremely critical if I do not do them “right”. For example running the dishwasher partly full will upset him. I used a real apple once in a xmas centerpiece and intended to compost it afterward. He was so angry with me for wasting an apple hedid not speak to me for days.
> 
> He shifts into a depressive angry place and this goes on for months.
> 
> ...



I am absolutely speechless at this post and my heart breaks for you Joy. I strongly advise you to proceed with the divorce, as even *if* he agrees to therapy, any changes would take YEARS to filter through to his behaviour, if they ever do. This behaviour is deeply ingrained within him, it's who he is. 

You don't have to live like this honey - I too met my husband later in life, I was 38 and he was 43. No way in hades would I put up with this.


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## Don't Panic (Apr 2, 2017)

Joy17 said:


> Shortly after we married he began getting “angry” at me, anger means silent treatment for days or longer. Yelling at me, telling me I am a spoiled brat, ungrateful etc. He has rules how things should be done, and extremely critical if I do not do them “right”. For example running the dishwasher partly full will upset him. I used a real apple once in a xmas centerpiece and intended to compost it afterward. He was so angry with me for wasting an apple hedid not speak to me for days.
> 
> 
> He says he partially remembers, anger issue and thought I could get by without surgery awhile longer.
> This was it for me. Anger or not this makes me fear growing old with him. _*I cannot rationalize anything to excuse what happened.*_


Good. Please do not "rationalize" irrational, abusive behavior. Take care of yourself, do what is necessary to become stronger and independent of him. Any friends in which you could confide? 

Thinking of you and wishing you peace.


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## Don't Panic (Apr 2, 2017)

frusdil said:


> I am absolutely speechless at this post and my heart breaks for you Joy. I strongly advise you to proceed with the divorce, as even *if* he agrees to therapy, any changes would take YEARS to filter through to his behaviour, if they ever do. This behaviour is deeply ingrained within him, it's who he is.
> 
> You don't have to live like this honey - I too met my husband later in life, I was 38 and he was 43. No way in hades would I put up with this.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## TheRealMcCoy (Apr 13, 2017)

Hi Joy. See if this thread helps. I started it for gals just like you. 

I know what he's going through now. Just remember he's human. He'll slip up. Just don't let him slip into old ways. And don't take him back too quickly. Keep him scared for a while. Fear is a great motivator. And he is scared right now. 

Good luck.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/387026-now-he-wants-change-power-ilybinilwy.html


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## TheRealMcCoy (Apr 13, 2017)

He's not a monster. He has problems. He see's that now. He didn't before. You loved him once. It seems like you want to again. It can happen. But it will be hard. It MAY take years. He's a human being that wants a new start and is TERRIFIED it won't happen. Use that fear to your advantage. Crash his world further, if possible. Just don't give up on him.

All of these good people want you to leave him. So do I, but for different reasons. But we all agree it starts with leaving. So start there.


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## Joy17 (Jul 6, 2017)

First, I want to thank all of you for "talking" with me. 

My divorce is currently underway. My husband is seeking professional evaluation. In the meantime we are negotiating settlement. 

Our mutual goal is to settle privately and with some dignity. He still wants to repair relationship and when he has finished his evaluation(S) and has a plan I have agreed to listen. He is clear I make no promises in that regard and I am not withdrawing divorce.

I can't help but expect the other shoe to drop so I am keeping myself safe.

I'll post an update in time. Thank you all so very much!! 

Joy


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