# Help: Husband thinks I have BPD



## bettermarriage (Apr 8, 2013)

I've been married for 20 years. My husband, who recently left me for another woman, came back home on the condition that I address "my BPD." This was news to me: I had been in therapy on and off for years about issues with anxiety, but I'd never heard of BPD. I immediately looked it up, identified with the fear of abandonment (but not with anything else), and brought the issue up with a therapist. After exploring the issue for many sessions, we both agreed that I didn't show any signs of BPD: I am not reckless (on the contrary: I'm overly cautious and have never had a run-in with the law in my life), I'm emotionally stable (no mood swings, though I as I mentioned before I am an anxious person, and I know that this can be a real drag sometimes), I'm not violent or abusive, and I've never tried to hurt myself or anyone else for that matter. My husband remains convinced that I have BPD. He has become emotionally abusive (refuses to talk to me or even look at me for days if I do something that upsets him), he avoids me like the plague, threatens to divorce me, and has some pretty epic temper tantrums. I love him, but I am upset and angry not only about the BPD accusations but also about his infidelity and the way he treats me in general. Does this ring a bell with anyone? Any ideas or input about what might be going on and what I can do to help him? He really seems miserable. I'm at a total loss.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

If hubby is the one throwing the tantrums, maybe he's projecting his own perceptions of his perceived symptoms (I know I know) on to you.

Maybe he is the one with BPD?

Perhaps both of you need to talk with someone qualified to sort thru those...

Reckless does not mean you skydive or swim with sharks... There's financial recklessness, employment recklessness, and the like.


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## bettermarriage (Apr 8, 2013)

A friend of mine who is a counselor herself brought that up: projection makes more sense to me than me having BPD. It's not that I'm perfect: I certainly have my fair share of struggles and imperfections, but I've read quite a bit about BPD and it doesn't resonate at all. He does seem to fit the profile more than I do, but I am not qualified to diagnose. It feels like such a mess, and I agree that it would help to get a professional to weigh in, as he somehow doesn't think my therapist (who's been practicing for 15 years) knows what she's talking about. Thanks for weighing in.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

A lot of professionals don't necessarily want to deal with BPD's so they may not make a clear diagnosis; then there's insurance issues as to whether it's covered and it snowballs from there. 

Read the "stop walking on eggshells" BPD book and see if your hubby meets the criteria. The DSM-IV could be a little dense at times but that's what is out there. I think DSM-V came out and there were some differences etc. The eggshells book is a lot more straightforward in terms of describing situations.

I would drop the subject a bit but (a) read up on BPD which you're doing, (b) keep a behavioral log for a while say a month, (c) identify some therapists that actually deal with BPD treatments like DBT or CBT or other alphabet soups (depending on the practice not everyone may be qualified...). Maybe you can go individual first and describe the situation then bring him in and work in family therapy mode for a while - that's how we did with my wife who was diagnosed with BPD)


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

bettermarriage said:


> He has become emotionally abusive (refuses to talk to me or even look at me for days if I do something that upsets him), he avoids me like the plague, threatens to divorce me, and has some pretty epic temper tantrums. I love him, but* I am upset and angry not only about the BPD accusations but also about his infidelity and the way he treats me in general. *Does this ring a bell with anyone? Any ideas or input about what might be going on and what I can do to help him? He really seems miserable. I'm at a total loss.


He left you for another woman and then came back and accused you of BPD? And now he's treating you like crap, his infidelity is being swept under the rug, and you're the one worrying that he's miserable and how to help him? 

HE should be worrying about how to help you forgive him or cheating on you and leaving you for another woman. Instead he's abusing you.

Why do you stay with him under these circumstances? If he won't go to therapy, this is what your life will be like until he leaves you for someone else again.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

norajane said:


> He left you for another woman and then came back and accused you of BPD? And now he's treating you like crap, his infidelity is being swept under the rug, and you're the one worrying that he's miserable and how to help him?
> 
> HE should be worrying about how to help you forgive him or cheating on you and leaving you for another woman. Instead he's abusing you.
> 
> Why do you stay with him under these circumstances? If he won't go to therapy, this is what your life will be like until he leaves you for someone else again.


This.

He left you for another woma, and now you're jumping through hoops to get him back? If you were a guy, we'd be telling you to "man up". To start respecting yourself, so everyone else will start respecting you too. 

I realize there's likely more to this story than we've heard so far, but that's my initial thoughts. He's the one that should be demonstrating remorse and moving heaven and earth to get you back.

C


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

He's using the latest trendy diagnosis of BPD to take the heat off himself. Oh how noble of him to offer to return after cheating but only if you get help for a PD that you likely don't even have. 

You want him back why???


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

The DSM-IV definition was a wee too easy for the layperson to use to "diagnose" BPD. DSM-V made considerable changes there and it's not as easy to comprehend, let alone "diagnose".

PS quotes there for a reason


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Sounds like your cheater husband is the disordered one.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

bettermarriage said:


> I've been married for 20 years. My husband, who recently left me for another woman, came back home on the condition that I address "my BPD." This was news to me: I had been in therapy on and off for years about issues with anxiety, but I'd never heard of BPD. I immediately looked it up, identified with the fear of abandonment (but not with anything else), and brought the issue up with a therapist. After exploring the issue for many sessions, we both agreed that I didn't show any signs of BPD: I am not reckless (on the contrary: I'm overly cautious and have never had a run-in with the law in my life), I'm emotionally stable (no mood swings, though I as I mentioned before I am an anxious person, and I know that this can be a real drag sometimes), I'm not violent or abusive, and I've never tried to hurt myself or anyone else for that matter. My husband remains convinced that I have BPD. He has become emotionally abusive (refuses to talk to me or even look at me for days if I do something that upsets him), he avoids me like the plague, threatens to divorce me, and has some pretty epic temper tantrums. I love him, but I am upset and angry not only about the BPD accusations but also about his infidelity and the way he treats me in general. Does this ring a bell with anyone? Any ideas or input about what might be going on and what I can do to help him? He really seems miserable. I'm at a total loss.


You believed what a cheater said? 

What conditions did you set to allow him to come home? Sounds like there weren't enough.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

john117 said:


> DSM-V made considerable changes there and it's not as easy to comprehend, let alone "diagnose".


John, the "considerable changes" proposed for BPD and other PDs failed to win approval last December when the general membership of APA voted on it. The new approach would have replaced the category-based system with a trait-based system. It also would have abandoned the absurd dichotomous approach to diagnosis (where one "has" or "does not have" BPD) and would have fully replaced it with a five-level graduated diagnosis (reflecting the fact that everyone has BPD traits to varying degrees). 

Although it is generally recognized that both those changes are needed and long overdue, the membership felt that insufficient empirical studies had been done to support such a sweeping change. Presumably, when more empirical work has been done to support the traits-based approach, the next edition of the DSM will implement both of those changes for all the PDs. Until then -- which may take another ten years at least -- the PD diagnostic criteria in DSM-5 are essentially unchanged from DSM-IV. This is why you see so many websites continuing to use the text from DSM-IV for all the PD categories.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

BPD, is a classic diagnosis a cheater will give their spouse. It's usually followed after crazy, and paranoid starts getting old.
He's stupid.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

If I may 

What is his history? His childhood? Do you know much about him from way back ?

BPD 's when established, work in cycles. 
It's a sinking into the mental 'depths' even when things are all going 'swimmingly' 
then all hell breaks loose. 
One strong feaure I have marked is the sense of 'guilt' that they do not "deserve to be happy" 
at various almost predictable times moody even when things seems great 
an inexplicable sense of 'emptiness' and self loathing envelopes them and of course 
the feeling that when that all ensues 
nobody will want them hence the abondonment. 

A strong feeling from them that they are a victim. This often underpins everything about them. 

In varying degrees shows itself in 
self harming, 
eating disorders, and at some lowest points 
suicidal tendencies. 

These are some of the basic simplistic points to note

Behaviourally in terms of infidelity it often results in the BPD 'jumping ship' to another almost overnight the OM OW is incredibly wonderful and you are the sh!t on their shoe

One stark feature shining through this is nil remorse and with the BPD you get the full 
trickle truthing 
blameshifting 
gaslighting 
rugsweeping 
hysterical sex bonding 

The sex is often brilliant as it's all highs - no lows - trying to keep everything in the euphoria they seem to think it must be 
You often do not get any 'grey' 
It's either brilliant 
or it's sh!te 

One strong feature is that you end up thinking you are to blame for it all and due to the love and understanding of them you have you will always feel responsible for them 

Breaking the cycle of dependency is nearly impossible. When you do and frankly it's always a matter of time you feel like you have been released from jail or the asylum. Normal mundane life outside of living with this huge problem is quite astonishingly calm and peaceful

Treatment is hard. They often don't feel they need any - do not feel they can be wrong in any way so that avenue is often a killer - unless you know and want to get well you never will 

And that is sadly where 99% of them end up - doing the same ol forever 
Sadly upon reflection had I know what was coming I'd have never have gone there - love or no love
_____

As I said these are some of the basics, there are more resources in this forum if you look - good luck


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

I am skeptical of your husband's claims.

I wonder if your therapist would find it useful to have your husband come in and shed some light on your "BPD" behaviors. Afterall, if your husband has observed your behavior for years and made a careful diagnosis of you, surely he has the data points and knowledge of BPD to back it all up.

My hunch is he is unlikely to accept the invitation, but if he did, he would have little light to shine. That might help remove any lingering doubt you have about yourself, and give your therapist a better understanding of what you are up against at home. On the off chance he is able to identify something about yourself that you need to change, then great; you seem open to it.

Have you talked to your therapist about the infidelity? Why did you let him come home? Do you have children?


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

john117 said:


> If hubby is the one throwing the tantrums, maybe he's projecting his own perceptions of his perceived symptoms (I know I know) on to you.
> 
> Maybe he is the one with BPD?
> 
> ...


This is what I was thinking as well.


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## bettermarriage (Apr 8, 2013)

Thanks for the feedback, everyone. I've found a marriage counselor who can see the both of us and help us sort through all of this. I've also found some good reading material based on your recommendations.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What have you learned so far about boundaries?


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## argyle (May 27, 2011)

Boundaries, by Townsend, is a lovely, lovely book. Albeit, 
'The Emotionally Abusive Relationship' might be more apropos.

...it is a bit odd that he's coming back after an affair and you're actually listening to him diagnosing you with BPD...something to think about...that isn't, as far as I know, a typical reaction.

...that said, it is fairly common for BPDs to cope by diagnosing their partners with the BPD's faults. Our MC eventually left, saying she was just tired of hearing nothing but 'I hate myself, so I'll blame my husband for my faults'.

--Argyle


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