# Guilt advice



## JWB1875 (5 mo ago)

Hi all. I'm new to this forum as I am seeking some advice. 

I'm 34, happily married and recently I've been feeling guilty about something that happened about 6 years ago.

At the time I was first dating my current wife, I went on a trip abroad that was booked long before we met, and had a very brief, spur of the moment sexual encounter with someone on a night out whilst I was there.

I didn't think too much of it at the time so I didn't tell her, as we were not exclusive, just dating, yet recently it's been playing on my mind and I don't know if I'm just beating myself up over it. 

I'm confused with what to do. Do I need to I move past it and accept it's okay for these type of things to happen in the dating stage, or do I tell my wife about it. Looking back I probably should have told her when I got back from the trip. But I feel it's too late now and I don't see how it would help anyone. I don't want to unstable our amazing relationship with something that's potentially not much of a big deal. 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

JWB1875 said:


> Hi all. I'm new to this forum as I am seeking some advice.
> 
> I'm 34, happily married and recently I've been feeling guilty about something that happened about 6 years ago.
> 
> ...


Hi @JWB1875 Welcome to TAM!

Maybe you should have told her, maybe not. Did she think you were exclusive? Why are you feeling guilty if you weren‘t exclusive?

My thought would be if you were just dating and not exclusive then don’t worry about it. Besides, She may have her own story of a crazy ONS during that time period.

Best to leave that can of worms unopened.

Edit to add: Never lie to her about it if she asks! That would be a different kind of stupid.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

So what you're asking is an ethical question. Which means, you're going to get a *wide *variety of *strong *opinions. Be prepared for that -- brace yourself. 

I am assuming there is no way you could ever locate that other person in real life or on social media. 

And was there anyone else on this trip that might know? Because if it comes out via some other route, then that's the worst outcome.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

If you weren’t exclusive yet then there isn’t anything to bother over. Leave it in the past unless she directly ask in which case you should be honest.


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## JWB1875 (5 mo ago)

Thank you for your replies. It's helped me clear my head.

No more advice required.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Will disclosing it to her benefit HER in any way or just alleviate some of your unfounded guilt?


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

If you weren't exclusive then what's the hang up?

How long had you and your wife been dating when you left on this trip?

Did your wife think you were exclusive?


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

If you want to stay happily married, I wouldn't mention it. You weren't married.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

Don’t tell her. Trust me, there are sexual things she will never reveal about herself. I speak from experience on that!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

If you were dating then you cheated and yes you should have told her. You also put her at risk of STD'S. 
I would have to tell in your shoes, there is no way I could keep something so very important from her. Basically you married her under false pretenses and are still deceiving her. 
If you can live a lie then go ahead but many couldn't do that. In her place I would definitely want to know.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> If you were dating then you cheated and yes you should have told her. You also put her at risk of STD'S.
> I would have to tell in your shoes, there is no way I could keep something so very important from her. Basically you married her under false pretenses and are still deceiving her.
> If you can live a lie then go ahead but many couldn't do that. In her place I would definitely want to know.


They weren’t exclusive. He didn’t cheat on her. No STD issue at this point, 6 years later.
And it’s highly plausible that she may have done similar - because they weren’t exclusive yet.
There’s no problem here.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

HHecdaUd


DudeInProgress said:


> They weren’t exclusive. He didn’t cheat on her. No STD issue at this point, 6 years later.
> And it’s highly plausible that she may have done similar - because they weren’t exclusive yet.
> There’s no problem here.


He said they were dating and unless there was an agreement that they could both date others then he cheated. If it wasn't an issue then why did he keep it a secret? He knew she would probably have ended it that's why.He knew that she was expecting them to both be to be faithful as most who date do. He knew he had betrayed her and he put her at serious risk of an STD.
I hope he does the right thing and tells her. If she finds out another way it will look far worse.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> HHecdaUd
> 
> He said they were dating and unless there was an agreement that they could both date others then he cheated. If it wasn't an issue then why did he keep it a secret? He knew she would probably have ended it that's why. He knew he had betrayed her.


was not exclusive. So he did not cheat. He didn't betray her. A one-night stand before they were exclusive, before they were married should remain in his memory banks and not be talked about.

Case closed.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Longtime Hubby said:


> was not exclusive. So he did not cheat. He didn't betray her. A one-night stand before they were exclusive, before they were married should remain in his memory banks and not be talked about.
> 
> Case closed.


He married her under false pretences after he cheated. Far from case closed.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> He married her under false pretences after he cheated. Far from case closed.


Oh please. False pretenses? He had fun with another woman one night.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

JWB1875 said:


> Hi all. I'm new to this forum as I am seeking some advice.
> 
> I'm 34, happily married and recently I've been feeling guilty about something that happened about 6 years ago.
> 
> ...


My opinion, keep it to yourself. You weren't committed to your wife at the time. And yet, some people get upset with this stuff, so I say you'd be taking a chance on doing harm to your marriage if you unburdened yourself. I mean, you're dealing with egos. Like maybe she'll be thinking, As soon as you saw me, that should have been it, you knew I was the one, now I'm not so sure. 

Don't take that chance. This is nothing. You are supposed to date before you commit to someone.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

JWB1875 said:


> as we were not exclusive, just dating,


You were just dating, not exclusive, so what's the problem? do you want to make a mountain out of a molehill? if you were exclusive then, that's a different story. Keep it to yourself. No reason to bring something that have no bearing in your relationship. You'll just might make things bad for nothing. 

Forget about all the crap about you were cheating and are still cheating, or that that's cheating. There's people that if you breath a sight upon another human you are cheating. Be smart, don't bring trouble were there's none.

having said all that, why is this issued coming to your forefront lately? were you two really just dating, or was she under the impression that you two were exclusive and you conveniently omitted to tell her that you didn't feel that way at the time? something along these lines I think it was that really happened, am I correct? if so, then you misled her. if not then, forget about it.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Until I've had the *'exclusivity'* talk with the person I'm dating, I consider us BOTH free to do what we want.

Years ago, I went away on an overnight trip to a fabulous casino with a very handsome man while I was just starting to date my now husband. The guy and I lived too far away from each other and knew we weren't going to pursue anything permanent due to the distance between us, so we just enjoyed the time we had on that little getaway. A few weeks later, my now-husband and I agreed to become exclusive. And that was that.

I honestly don't feel I did anything wrong at all.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Until I've had the *'exclusivity'* talk with the person I'm dating, I consider us BOTH free to do what we want.
> 
> Years ago, I went away on an overnight trip to a fabulous casino with a very handsome man while I was just starting to date my now husband. The guy and I lived too far away from each other and knew we weren't going to pursue anything permanent due to the distance between us, so we just enjoyed the time we had on that little getaway. A few weeks later, my now-husband and I agreed to become exclusive. And that was that.
> 
> I honestly don't feel I did anything wrong at all.


You did nothing wrong.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

JWB,

Tell your W and give her the opportunity to accept or divorce you. 

While you should have done this before you married, it's not too late. 

I would also hope you both know each others sexual history and had that talk.

Especially confess if you are planning to have children.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Oh please. False pretenses? He had fun with another woman one night.


And he didn't even tell her. I will bet she had no idea that they weren't 'exclusive'. If it was so innocent then why hide it? Why not share what he did with her?
If he was a real man he would have told her long before now. Yes he married her under false pretenses because he hid his cheating. He knew she would take it badly.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> HHecdaUd
> 
> He said they were dating and unless there was an agreement that they could both date others then he cheated. If it wasn't an issue then why did he keep it a secret? He knew she would probably have ended it that's why.He knew that she was expecting them to both be to be faithful as most who date do. He knew he had betrayed her and he put her at serious risk of an STD.
> I hope he does the right thing and tells her. If she finds out another way it will look far worse.


the default is that you are NOT exclusive until you both agree to be exclusive. 

Dating by its very nature is a noncommittal stage to get to know each to see if they want to be in a relationship or not. Neither party is obligated to exclusivity until both parties exp

for all he knows she was seeing other people at that time as well. 

The key with situation is there is no benefit to HER or to the relationship to disclose this.

for whatever reason, he is having some kind of unfounded guilt trip over this and his thoughts of telling her are not provide any benefit to her or to the marriage, but to assuage his own feelings of guilt.

This IMHO is selfish and self-serving and could cause distress to her without any benefit.

this is HIS cross to bear. Not hers.

if he is having issues over it then he should seek a therapist or a priest or trusted confidant that has no ties to her.

his guilt is his burden and there is no benefit to be gain by dumping it on her at this point.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> And he didn't even tell her. I will bet she had no idea that they weren't 'exclusive'. If it was so innocent then why hide it? Why not share what he did with her?
> If he was a real man he would have told her long before now. Yes he married her under false pretenses because he hid his cheating. He knew she would take it badly.


Why would he tell her? Were you one to think one date makes it exclusive? He didn’t hide it. Just never mentioned it. They were not exclusive at the time. That’s the key


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> the default is that you are NOT exclusive until you both agree to be exclusive.
> 
> Dating by its very nature is a noncommittal stage to get to know each to see if they want to be in a relationship or not. Neither party is obligated to exclusivity until both parties exp
> 
> ...


This silly 'exclusive' thing is a very recent thing to excuse cheating. It was never a thing when I was dating. Once you were dating you remained faithful unless you were a cheater. 
No his guilt isn't a burden, he is happy to be told it was perfectly ok to have sex with another person and not tell his girlfriend. The far harder and most honest thing would be to put his big boy pants on and tell her. Hiding something like this will never end well, there are many ways she could find out. He is being deceptive and is a liar.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Why would he tell her? Were you one to think one date makes it exclusive? He didn’t hide it. Just never mentioned it. They were not exclusive at the time. That’s the key


So he says, I bet she thought they were. Hence he hid it from her. If they both thought it was ok to date others he would have had no reason to have hidden what he did. 
It amazes me how many people think its ok to expose your partner to STD's.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> So he says, I bet she thought they were. Hence he hid it from her. If they both thought it was ok to date others he would have had no reason to have hidden what he did.
> It amazes me how many people think its ok to expose your partner to STD's.


Diana, we don’t know what she thought. She may have dated others, too. Until my wife and I were exclusive, we saw other people. It’s called dating.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> So he says, I bet she thought they were. Hence he hid it from her. If they both thought it was ok to date others he would have had no reason to have hidden what he did.
> It amazes me how many people think its ok to expose your partner to STD's.


A couple points of dispute here -

- One is he did not hide it from her. He did not think anything of it at the time because they had just started seeing each other and were not exclusive in their relationship at the time. He came home and just went about his business and then they later became serious. 

- The other is he has not said anything to indicate that she thought they were exclusive at that time. For all we know she was seeing other people at that time as well. 

- and in terms of STDs, perhaps he was practicing safer sex practices with both of them,, perhaps he wasn't. As sexually active adults, that is something that everyone should address. 

If he was not practicing safer sex practices with either her or the other gal, then yes he was being a bit reckless and irresponsible. But she also has a responsibility to protect herself and address disease prevention.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> A couple points of dispute here -
> 
> - One is he did not hide it from her. He did not think anything of it at the time because they had just started seeing each other and were not exclusive in their relationship at the time. He came home and just went about his business and then they later became serious.
> 
> ...


Voice of Reason!


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I don't know why she'd have thought that since they had had no such tak to be exclusive. If she did, that's on her for presuming. Dating is dating. It's not a commitment unless the two talk and agree that they're exclusive.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Note the poster does not state what the brief encounter was, was it with a prostitute, a ONS with a drunk woman, there may be other factors his now wife might find objectionable. She might view prostitution as a social ill which exploits and degrades women for example. 

There must be some reason why he posted, possibly he would want to be told if his wife did a similar thing. Possibly she is now pregnant and he feels the injustice of locking her into a dishonest marriage.

He also does not state if he had STD testing and if it was anything more than a handjob it would be necessary. Condoms do not stop viruses completely.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> This silly 'exclusive' thing is a very recent thing to excuse cheating. It was never a thing when I was dating. Once you were dating you remained faithful unless you were a cheater.


You were a barely legal young woman dating church boys when Margaret Thatcher was the new prime minister and the Royal Marines were packing up to retake the Falkland Islands when you were dating.

These were 28 year old adults in 2016 when this happened. 

Those of us of a certain age can look back with nostalgia and say how we think things should be today based on our experiences 40 years ago, but it isn't a reality today. 

The reality is today, people do not marry as young. They date multiple people and have a variety of sexual experiences and partners before settling down and the default assumption is that people are dating multiple people and are sexually active with other people until an agreement of sexual exclusivity is agreed upon by both parties. 

It would be naive and even a bit delusional to think that 28 year olds are going to be exclusive after a coffee or a movie date today.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Not exclusive = no problem.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I don't know why she'd have thought that since they had had no such tak to be exclusive. If she did, that's on her for presuming. Dating is dating. It's not a commitment unless the two talk and agree that they're exclusive.


Are you actually agreeing with me on something?? 

Are you feeling OK? Have you checked your temperature? You haven't hit your head or anything have you? Do you need us to call anybody or need a ride or anything? 😯


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> Are you actually agreeing with me on something??
> 
> Are you feeling OK? Have you checked your temperature? You haven't hit your head or anything have you? Do you need us to call anybody or need a ride or anything? 😯


In fairness, I don't always read everything you or anyone else writes, so if I did, I might find something to agree on more often.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> So he says, I bet she thought they were. Hence he hid it from her. If they both thought it was ok to date others he would have had no reason to have hidden what he did.
> It amazes me how many people think its ok to expose your partner to STD's.


He wasn't her partner or her boyfriend, per OP they just were dating. 

What's silly is to think that just because you are just dating without having made a commitment to one another that is cheating. That's a very skewed view you have there @Diana7, very skewed. Very few people in Western civilization would agreed with your take. The world's views are not confined to your microcosm. Is a wide view out there, specially were religious dictums of morality are not a consideration. Obviously, you are entitled to your opinion and world views, but that doesn't make it true.

Unless OP had at the time given his wife a false sense of where were they as far as their dating, then everything is kosher. I can't understand why that episode is bothering OP, unless there's something that he omitted to reveal to us. Till then, the consensus by most of the posters is correct.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Rob_1 said:


> He wasn't her partner or her boyfriend, per OP they just were dating.
> 
> What's silly is to think that just because you are just dating without having made a commitment to one another that is cheating. That's a very skewed view you have there @Diana7, very skewed. Very few people in Western civilization would agreed with your take. The world's views are not confined to your microcosm. Is a wide view out there, specially were religious dictums of morality are not a consideration. Obviously, you are entitled to your opinion and world views, but that doesn't make it true.
> 
> Unless OP had at the time given his wife a false sense of where were they as far as their dating, then everything is kosher. I can't understand why that episode is bothering OP, unless there's something that he omitted to reveal to us. Till then, the consensus by most of the posters is correct.


I don't know if I would say Diana's view is very skewed or simply outdated. 

I also came from a time and place 40 years ago where if a couple had more than a couple dinner or movie dates they were.... well.... a couple. 

And after a number of dates and after some meaningful physical contact, the default assumption was they were a couple and any other outside contact would be considered cheating and boarish. 

So I do understand where she is coming from.

But this was during the Reagan administration in midwest farm country where most people married their prom date and the late bloomers married their first serious college BF/GF.

But it's a different world and a different dating paradigm today. 

It's not uncommon for both men and women in their 20s to go on a dinner date with someone in the evening after having an afternooner with someone else earlier in the day or make a booty call to someone else after they are home from said dinner date. 

More importantly, a key difference today is that the individual people on the dating market today assume the person they are having the coffee date with is seeing other people to one degree or another.

There really weren't single adults 40 years ago. Most adults were married and most young adults in their early 20s were involved with the people they would ultimately marry. Today depending on which statistics you read indicate that most adults in the west are single. It's a different world sociologically.

That all being said, I do agree with you that there is more to the story than the OP was letting on. Something is triggering his guilt now. Makes you wonder if he's had some unsightly growths appear on his junk here lately 

The thing is, he may be attributing that to his liason on his trip, but for all he or we may know, it may have been HER that picked it up at that time.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Wake me up when OP returns


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

RebuildingMe said:


> Wake me up when OP returns


I think he got the green light to not say anything within the first few posts and that is what he was wanting to hear so he’s gone.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

oldshirt said:


> I think he got the green light to not say anything within the first few posts and that is what he was wanting to hear so he’s gone.


Exactly


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

JWB1875 said:


> Hi all. I'm new to this forum as I am seeking some advice.
> 
> I'm 34, happily married and recently I've been feeling guilty about something that happened about 6 years ago.
> 
> ...


If you ware not exclusive let it go, you didn't do anything wrong. If you still feel guilty go see someone because there is no basis for it.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Ask yourself if you would be upset if she did the same thing. 

If you found out she’s slept with another man when you were first starting to see each other, before you’d talked about being exclusive, would you be upset? Or would it be a thing that happened prior to your relationship becoming exclusive and serious that has no bearing on your life today?

If you’d be upset if she kept it from you, tell her. If not, leave it in the past.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Ask yourself if you would be upset if she did the same thing.
> 
> If you found out she’s slept with another man when you were first starting to see each other, before you’d talked about being exclusive, would you be upset? Or would it be a thing that happened prior to your relationship becoming exclusive and serious that has no bearing on your life today?
> 
> If you’d be upset if she kept it from you, tell her. If not, leave it in the past.


This one is kind of tricky and I'm not sure on whether it should be used as a metric for trying to decide whether to disclose or not. 

Let me first say that my belief is that if disclosing this would have no real benefit to her or to the marriage and he is just having some kind of weird guilt trip out of the blue, then he would simply be burdening her and making her suspect to assuage his guilt and make himself feel better while at the same time making her feel worse. Mr Spok would not find that logical. 

But let's consider your rational for a moment. There is something deep inside of all of us that makes us want to believe that the moment our eyes met, all others before us fell by the wayside and from that moment on our partner never even thought of another no matter how casually we may have been dating at the time. 

I think we all kind of feel that way to one degree or another even though our rational minds may tell us that we were not dating exclusively until such a time that we were. 

To that, yes he would probably be disconcerted to a degree if he found out she was bopping other people while dating him in the early days. 

And so by that logic, she will probably also be displeased to one degree or another if he were to disclose this info to her. 

So using that as the metric and deciding factor, that would point to he should tell her. 

But I will go back to will that information be beneficial to HER and will it be beneficial to their relationship at all at this point?

Or will it just cause an inner conflict between her basic instincts that wants to believe that he fell madly in love with her the moment he laid eyes on her to never think of another woman again vs her rational brain telling her that they were just starting to see each other and were not exclusive at that point? 

Will that turmoil have any tangible benefit? 

Will nondisclosure at this point cause any harm? 

Will the benefit justify the cost of the turmoil?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Now there's a lot of unknowns here and I don't think the OP will be back to clarify. 

If he is having herpes lesions or warts breaking out all over his junk, then yes, he needs to inform her of that. 

But if this is some kind of weird catholic boy guilt trip over having premarital sex with some gal in Bangkok one night while it was just starting to see the woman that would ultimately become his wife????

I simply see that as his cross to bear and his issue. If he needs to see a therapist or a shrink or a clergy or whatever to help him deal with his own demons, so be it. Otherwise I just see it as him making himself feel better by making her feel worse for no valid reason and no tangible benefit. 

At this point I see that as a worse offence than some hook up with some chick in Amsterdam one night after he and his now wife had had some coffee or dinner dates back when they first started seeing each other.


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

Ya know OP ask yourself this question. " is there any future in it " ? Why throw nails in the road if you have to drive Over them . Why blow up up your marriage 6 yrs after the fact.. You were dating not exclusive. NO , Don't tell her


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Never mind. Not worth the time and trouble.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

TexasMom1216 said:


> This is a long word salad to say it’s fine for men to cheat but not women. At least you’re consistent. It also of course misses my point entirely, but again, consistent.


If there is any consistency here it is that you are conjuring things up in your mind and putting words in other people's mouths that they did not say or even hint at. 

If this story is as it is being told, there was no cheating here by either the man or the woman even though both of them may have getting down with other people at that time. This is not a cheating or infidelity situation. It is two single adults that were starting to see each other who eventually got married. 

If it was as described, then neither he nor she was cheating.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> If there is any consistency here it is that you are conjuring things up in your mind and putting words in other people's mouths that they did not say or even hint at.
> 
> If this story is as it is being told, there was no cheating here by either the man or the woman even though both of them may have getting down with other people at that time. This is not a cheating or infidelity situation. It is two single adults that were starting to see each other who eventually got married.
> 
> If it was as described, then neither he nor she was cheating.


Stick to those taking points. I do admire the consistency. 🙄

If neither were cheating, then it shouldn’t hurt for him to think about how he would feel in her shoes. Of course he’d feel a twinge of sadness or hurt because it wasn’t love at first sight. But would he then realize the subsequent time was far more important than that? He’s the one dealing with guilt over what he fears is a secret he’s keeping. Perhaps if he tried empathy and looked at it from her point of view, instead of only from a place of selfishness and self preservation, it would allay his guilt.

Of course everything I say falls on deaf ears since we have to stick to the narrative.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Stick to those taking points. I do admire the consistency. 🙄
> 
> If neither were cheating, then it shouldn’t hurt for him to think about how he would feel in her shoes. Of course he’d feel a twinge of sadness or hurt because it wasn’t love at first sight. But would he then realize the subsequent time was far more important than that? He’s the one dealing with guilt over what he fears is a secret he’s keeping. Perhaps if he tried empathy and looked at it from her point of view, instead of only from a place of selfishness and self preservation, it would allay his guilt.
> 
> Of course everything I say falls on deaf ears since we have to stick to the narrative.


I'm not sure I'm understanding what you are trying to say here. Are you saying he should look at it from her point of view and that would help him how?? Are you saying he should then tell her or not tell her?


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> I'm not sure I'm understanding what you are trying to say here. Are you saying he should look at it from her point of view and that would help him how?? Are you saying he should then tell her or not tell her?


I don’t think he should tell her because they were just dating. I think he should think about how he would feel if he found out that before they were even boyfriend/girlfriend that she had a one night stand; would he want to throw away their entire relationship over something that happened before they were really together? I imagine that if he had really loved her he might be upset at first but would realize that it was long ago before they were exclusive and has no bearing on their time together. But if it would honestly be something he couldn’t get over, does he have the right to rob her of her agency and make a choice for her? How would he feel if she did that to him? If you really care about someone, you think about THEM. It’s not always about what’s best for YOU, you should think about what is good for them too. I realize that sounds strange. If he really does that and is ok with it, then he truly won’t need to feel bad about keeping it from her because it doesn’t matter. 

Bottom line, though, he’s decided it’s none of her business and I believe has gone.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

Absolutely tell her. Any secrets destroy marriage. sooner or later this will come out.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I don’t think he should tell her because they were just dating. I think he should think about how he would feel if he found out that before they were even boyfriend/girlfriend that she had a one night stand; would he want to throw away their entire relationship over something that happened before they were really together? I imagine that if he had really loved her he might be upset at first but would realize that it was long ago before they were exclusive and has no bearing on their time together. But if it would honestly be something he couldn’t get over, does he have the right to rob her of her agency and make a choice for her? How would he feel if she did that to him? If you really care about someone, you think about THEM. It’s not always about what’s best for YOU, you should think about what is good for them too. I realize that sounds strange. If he really does that and is ok with it, then he truly won’t need to feel bad about keeping it from her because it doesn’t matter.
> 
> Bottom line, though, he’s decided it’s none of her business and I believe has gone.


Yeah I don't think anyone is saying she is going to flip out and slap his face and call him a dirty rotten cheater and divorce him or anything. 

If things are really as he says, then she will likely chalk it up that they weren't exclusive and that there was no actual foul. 

But she'd still be suspicious as to why he's feeling all guilty and telling her now. 

I mean let's flip this around. Let's say your husband comes up to you now and is acting all guilty and self conscious and tells you that he hooked up with some chick after he started dating you. Are you really going to say, "OK, thanks for telling me. Oh and by the way, your Aunt Bernadine called and wondered if you could come help her weed her raised flower beds some time in the next couple days, her arthritis is acting up again." 

I'm assuming you wouldn't kick his ass for it or make him sleep on the couch for the next week or divorce him or anything. But you'd at least wonder what was up that he was telling you now and you may start wondering about a lot of other things and such so that to one degree or another, it would be weighing on your mind. 

And for what????????? 

Again, where is the benefit? 

And let's further flip this around. Let's say YOU got with some other guy after you and your H started seeing each other because realistically the average woman is going out with more than one person more than the average guy is. If you got with some guy at some point after the first date or so with your husband, would you feel there would be any benefit to telling him that six years later??? 

Let's face it, women are better secret keepers than men are and you have more secret lives than men do. Would your disclosure benefit him any?? Would you risk a currently happy and healthy relationship to disclose something that happened years prior before you were even seeing each other exclusively and had no bearing on your current relationship??

It really doesn't make any sense.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> He married her under false pretences after he cheated. Far from case closed.





Diana7 said:


> And he didn't even tell her. I will bet she had no idea that they weren't 'exclusive'. If it was so innocent then why hide it? Why not share what he did with her?
> If he was a real man he would have told her long before now. Yes he married her under false pretenses because he hid his cheating. He knew she would take it badly.





Diana7 said:


> This silly 'exclusive' thing is a very recent thing to excuse cheating. It was never a thing when I was dating. Once you were dating you remained faithful unless you were a cheater.
> No his guilt isn't a burden, he is happy to be told it was perfectly ok to have sex with another person and not tell his girlfriend. The far harder and most honest thing would be to put his big boy pants on and tell her. Hiding something like this will never end well, there are many ways she could find out. He is being deceptive and is a liar.





Longtime Hubby said:


> Diana, we don’t know what she thought. She may have dated others, too. Until my wife and I were exclusive, we saw other people. It’s called dating.





TexasMom1216 said:


> Ask yourself if you would be upset if she did the same thing.
> 
> If you found out she’s slept with another man when you were first starting to see each other, before you’d talked about being exclusive, would you be upset? Or would it be a thing that happened prior to your relationship becoming exclusive and serious that has no bearing on your life today?
> 
> If you’d be upset if she kept it from you, tell her. If not, leave it in the past.





oldshirt said:


> Let me first say that my belief is that if disclosing this would have no real benefit to her or to the marriage and he is just having some kind of weird guilt trip out of the blue, then he would simply be burdening her and making her suspect to assuage his guilt and make himself feel better while at the same time making her feel worse. Mr Spok would not find that logical.





Jimi007 said:


> Ya know OP ask yourself this question. " is there any future in it " ? Why throw nails in the road if you have to drive Over them . Why blow up up your marriage 6 yrs after the fact.. You were dating not exclusive. NO , Don't tell her


YOU ARE ALL RIGHT 
DIANA pointed out that the house is built with some bad sand in the mix 
and then longtime Hubby is making the point of she may have done the same even though he did add at the end " It’s called dating" but what you call DATING and what others call dating are very different ,which is a subject for another day, 
But then i think Texas hit the nail home on the dating question and if she had done the same thing , the house for the op is built on bad sand it could have some bad stones in there too without her saying if she was doing the same thing you talking for her and making the deal for her to buy this house.
Oldshirt is very right if at this very late stage your making this out of some type of "his guilt and make himself feel better while at the same time making her feel worse. Mr Spok would not find that logical."
He is all so right because you have a house with some bad sand and your going to risk knocking it down by playing Russian runlet to feel good for yourself by shifting the guilt 
Texas is very right in saying how would you feel if the boot was on the other foot .putting yourself in her place and turning it around .

my response is at this stage all have made good points like if she finds out from some where it is going to be worse , other than that Jimi007 is right , 

If your the type that thinks Dating is a play ground stage and you can kick ball with all the boys and girls until some day you or she thinks it is time we have a talk about what is good with me and what boundaries you set to stay seen each other, 

It seems your not that type if you were you would not be asking ,

but you are heading into a new stage in your love life 
LOVE IS a little word that we all use but it means something different to us all because there is said to be 5 stages in LOVE 4th is called winter THEN there is the 5 th stage that most don't get to that is the one people that are together a long time get to , 

other than this question where is your marriage do you talk about everything , do you enjoy sex or are you still playing out porn sex , (some think what they see in porn is what real sex should be like and if your not doing it that way you or she is wrong ) are you or she starting to think I would like to experience open marriage because I did not play around as much as I would have liked to before , we get it all 
There is more to this question than just the question it self


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> Yeah I don't think anyone is saying she is going to flip out and slap his face and call him a dirty rotten cheater and divorce him or anything.
> 
> If things are really as he says, then she will likely chalk it up that they weren't exclusive and that there was no actual foul.
> 
> ...


Once again you didn’t read my post. There’s no point to anything you’ve said here other than to contradict me based on things I didn’t say so you can claim I don’t make sense. Women are better “secret keepers” who “date” lots of men at once? Let’s flip that around and imagine the reaction if I said something like that about all men.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Why would you tell her, for you? Or for her? If it’s for you because of whatever weird feelings you have I’d keep it to yourself if she’s otherwise happy.

What would you expect her action to be?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Maybe she was too busy flying to California on weekends to do porn movies to really give a care….. and she just never mentioned it.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

JWB1875 said:


> Hi all. I'm new to this forum as I am seeking some advice.
> 
> I'm 34, happily married and recently I've been feeling guilty about something that happened about 6 years ago.
> 
> ...


You said you didn't need more advice, but I have a little for you. Again, don't volunteer the story to get it off your chest. If you feel guilt, that is valid reason to do something. You have asked here and several have told you to keep quite.

My advice is a little different, if it were me, I would go to a priest and confess what is troubling your conscious. The priest will pray with you, give you penance to perform, and offer you God's love and forgiveness. If God can forgive you, surely you can forgive yourself.

Good luck. As others have told you unless asked take your story to your grave and if you have guilt find a way a freeing yourself from the guilt.


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