# I am the cheater. What now do I have the right to ask for?



## lostintheworld1 (Aug 7, 2011)

I cheated on my wife before we got married (7 years married, 12 years dating) and had online sexual activity while we were married as I have posted about before.

When my wife caught me I came completely clean and told her about everything. She took most of our money and left. She is living with her parents and has left me the dog and the house (no kids). She wants me to pay all our bills for three months. She said that her counselor wants us to only have contact via email until the three months is up. We initially talked about her getting counseling on her own and me getting counseling on my own then coming back together when we had both figured our own issues out and doing marriage counseling. 

I am seeing a counselor for my addiction and she is seeing a counselor as well. I am reading self help books, marriage help books, working and trying to get our home in order to be able to sell which was something we were planning on before this mess blew up.

She is living with her parents, not working and taking trips to visit family around the country. We have not spoken in two weeks and have not emailed in just over a week. Her emails are completely emotionless, no greeting no goodbye, nothing but business.

I have tried to discuss emotions and the future with her via email only to have her tell me that email is not for that. I know she is hurt and angry and trying to find solid ground. I broke her and her trust and her world. She said that she needs to establish boundaries with this separation.

I am hurting and fearing the worst of everything. That she is plotting to divorce me and **** me over in every way she can. I don't want to live another second without my best friend. I just want to fix all our problems ASAP.

Am I wrong to ask her what her thoughts, feelings and emotions are? Am I selfish to ask her to talk with me on the phone and express to me if she is wanting to end out marriage? Am I wrong to think that this separation is only driving us apart? 

I am trying to practice the 180 but it is so hard. I think in her heart she wants us to pull through this and salvage the marriage. I am afraid that her father and perhaps her counselor are pushing for divorce. What should I do? Do I have any right to ask her for anything since I cheated?


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I am not sure I understand why no contact if you are no longer cheating. I'm not clear as to whether she is thinking of R or not. Do you know.

I am not telling you to go against your therapist but, get a clear idea of what you are supposed to be doing in the 3 month period and do that and more.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

All you can really do is change for the better and hope she sees that you really want this to work. I know exactly how she feels, wondering if what she knows you have done to her is in fact everything. Right now you have to earn her trust and respect any boundary she has set. You can let her know how you feel in an email just don't expect it from her for a while.


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## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

Yip. You are being selfish. Your post is all about your fear of losing her and how it will affect you. 

You have just delivered the most devasting blow to your wife. The very least you can do is pull back, let her find herself and then you may sensitively ask her what do you need to do in order for her to give you a second chance.


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## lostintheworld1 (Aug 7, 2011)

She said in the beginning that she was not leaving our marriage. Then she abruptly took the $ and left while I was out of town. Then she wanted a weekend of us in a hotel and got very sexual about it. The weekend rivaled our honeymoon and we agreed on the game plan of working on ourselves then coming back together. Then the whole separation thing came into play after she went to her counselor.

I am trying to pull back but to me this separation is only driving us apart. I just want to fix things and she is not letting me try to do that. I know I broke her heart and soul but now I want to fix everything. The counseling and the marriage books have opened my eyes to how great our marriage can be. But when we are not even talking about our marriage I don't know how to fix it. I know she is going through the stages of her pain and at times she is still very angry. I understand but am just lost over what to do to fix all this.


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## *purple**hibiscus* (Aug 22, 2011)

Lazarus said:


> Yip. You are being selfish. Your post is all about your fear of losing her and how it will affect you.
> 
> You have just delivered the most devasting blow to your wife. The very least you can do is pull back, let her find herself and then you may sensitively ask her what do you need to do in order for her to give you a second chance.


Completely agree


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

lostintheworld1 said:


> She said in the beginning that she was not leaving our marriage. Then she abruptly took the $ and left while I was out of town. Then she wanted a weekend of us in a hotel and got very sexual about it. The weekend rivaled our honeymoon and we agreed on the game plan of working on ourselves then coming back together. Then the whole separation thing came into play after she went to her counselor.
> 
> I am trying to pull back but to me this separation is only driving us apart. I just want to fix things and she is not letting me try to do that. I know I broke her heart and soul but now I want to fix everything. The counseling and the marriage books have opened my eyes to how great our marriage can be. But when we are not even talking about our marriage I don't know how to fix it. I know she is going through the stages of her pain and at times she is still very angry. I understand but am just lost over what to do to fix all this.


I went back and forth for months. If you really want her you will have to roll with it man.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

If you want the mge---you need to be selfless, and do ALL the heavy lifting, as was said above---this is not about you---it is her game, by her rules------but ------that being said---you are also not to be abused, and if she has taken all the money, and is expecting you to pay all the bills --she is abusing you financially

If you are still married, but seperated, whoever pays the bills has claim to the property, at that point

Is she abandoning your home to you????


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

As a DS myself....you don't have really any rights. The rights you had, you gave up by cheating. My SO and I are still together but, it was not easy. He would change his mind on an hourly basis at times about whether he would stay. I fought my @ss off every day to keep him. 

He also had a revenge affair during the whole mess. I still did not waver in my commitment. Made things harder but, I love him and he is worth it to me. 

I hope you are truly trying to change for your sake. Maybe in time she will be willing to take a chance on you again. 

Best wishes to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lostintheworld1 (Aug 7, 2011)

I am all about fighting for her but she is seeing a counselor who has deemed that we are not to have contact for months other than via email. I am taking care of myself, getting myself mentally, emotionally and physically healthy but I can't help but focus on the marriage. I want to fix things so we can get back to where we were. Back so that we can start to rebuild and move forward.

I fear some days that her counselor is deciding too much in the situation. I want to help my wife heal. Leaving her alone just doesn't feel right. Such a hard struggle.


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## foreverinlove (Sep 8, 2010)

just a small comment, you won't ever go back to the way things were. not even close. im sorry, but as being cheated on, you should give her space. as long as she is allowing you to see the kids and they are safe, give her time.


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