# Affection



## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

This is it for me. When this disappeared from my marriage so did I:

sexually
intimately

Yup, learned this this this morning over my coffee.

Will work on this not happening again and if does:

RED FLAGS


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

My coffee just started to brew. I grabbed a diet mountain dew first, coffee maker takes forever. 

Affection takes efforts with both people. I love affection, luckily my hubby does too. Somewhere along the road it dissapeared for us too, we were going on living our separate lives. The communication was less, hubby would put 100% focus on the kids and none on me. We were actually headed for a sexless marriage. In spite of the lack of affection and communication, my husband was still doing everything he could for me helping me out the best he could. We've always gotten along and we never argue, not in the last 13 years anyways. I had broke my neck and the sex was going to a hault. Mostly my fault due to the pain and being afraid of getting hurt worse.

A few months went by and it really felt like we were roommates, but my husband was a very good roommate, he always puts my needs before his. My sex drive started to kick up in high gear, after about a month of no sex with high gear wanting it, I had a nice long talk with hubby. This included snuggling, holding hands and listening/answering me when talking. I started initiating sex everynight some weeks, usually I'd give hubby a break for a night. I had to tell him exactly what I wanted, little clues do not work. My husband does not pick up on clues whatsoever. 

Since then, I have become the focus before the children. We still play and do homework, but I get 1/2-1 hour everynight of undivided snuggling. This is not including sex. I think my hubby enjoys the affection as much as I do. The more sex/making love, the more affection we give each other.

I'm not sure where your at with your husband, but I had to tell him exactly what I needed. I need him to hold me. I need him to make love/have sex to me often. We are on a ten day break, he finally had the big V procedure yesterday. With all this making love, we don't need an unplanned child since I'm disabled with a neck injury.

I wish you well. I hope you work things through.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

I am divorced. I floated MC by him but he was too deep in his EA which became PA.

I had been dealing with the closing of my business office and what do I do now when we drifted apart. He was not there for me and I was sunk and didn't notice. It's too bad, truly, because I had been there for his yearly firings for 5 years. 

This is just a hindsight lightbulb and what I can be aware of next go round. Just another ah hah moment, a very important one for me.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Oh, duh. I didn't see this in the divorce section. I click on new posts. 

Well, I've been there too. I married a real big a$$ that was quite unfaithful and very verbally abusive.

My second marriage is absolutely wonderful. I found a man who puts my needs before his. There are GOOD men out there... Somewhere. I hope you find a good man like mine.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

So do I. I can tell I'm becoming ready (sounds ridiculous I know) but my outlook on life has gotten so much more sunnier. Yahoo. This is very important to me, I had loved my ex to adoration and wondered when I would feel me again.

I'm feeling me again. Last night, someone told me I glowed and my eyes sparkle ( a woman LOL). How nice, I'm alive again.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Affection? Well, with my ex husband, I had to "schedule" affection from him. It would be like I would ask if he would come lay down with me and hold me, and he'd tell me, "not tonight. I worked late so I just want to roll over and sleep, but I don't work late Wednesday, so I can hold you then." Then our scheduled night of affection would come around, but he would always need me to do something for him first. He could just never simply do anything just because for me. I will NOT have that in any future relationship. I want to be held by someone again someday but they will do it because they want to.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

I had to beg for sex and was often turned down and told I was "putting pressure" on him. It got to the point where I gave up and now I don't care either way. If he wants to be affectionate, that's fine. If not, I can deal with that too. 

He was affectionate enough here and there throughout our marriage but the passion and sex was another story. We only had that very rarely and in the end, it was when he was drinking. 

Now he's sober and he's still here and there when it comes to affection and especially sex. I wonder where his sex drive is. He'll hug and hold me but if I want more than I have to be the aggressor. I'm done with that. If he's not interested than it's fine. I can take care of things myself. I guess I just can't understand how a man can't be interested in sex. 

I guess I want someone who will always be "after" me and looking to go the distance! I guess I think of affection and sex as a package deal. Having one without the other feels "lacking".


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## Lowlife (Nov 27, 2011)

Hmmmm..... :scratchhead: 

When she completely lost interest in things we used to do together...that was the start of me not being so affectionate towards her. Part of the reason I was attracted to her was how she claimed to like the same activities as I did. At first, she was all in and walked the talk. Our marriage was great. 5 or 6 years later, it turned out to be all talk and my lifestyle is not what she had in mind. She stopped doing those activities and just stayed home. I of course being the selfish narcissistic ba$tard I am.... continued to do those things I have always done my entire life.  Even when I attempted to curb my activities and do what she wanted, we just ended up hanging around the house. :sleeping: 

We were no longer "in tune". During this downward spiral, there were other things going on that just made it harder for me to want to be intimate with her. (long list of issues) To this day, I don't think she has never figured this out even though we had several "discussions" about it. Maybe I'm just weird but there is more to it than just the physical.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Lowlife said:


> Part of the reason I was attracted to her was how she claimed to like the same activities as I did. At first, she was all in and walked the talk. Our marriage was great. 5 or 6 years later, it turned out to be all talk and my lifestyle is not what she had in mind. She stopped doing those activities and just stayed home. I of course being the selfish narcissistic ba$tard I am.... continued to do those things I have always done my entire life.  Even when I attempted to curb my activities and do what she wanted, we just ended up hanging around the house. :sleeping:


Are you sure we aren't married to the same person? :scratchhead: 

That's pretty much how it is with me and has been for many years. I'm the bad one because I like to go and do things all the time while he's into just hanging out and watching TV. 

Now, being separated, I just do what I want to guilt free. Works well. :smthumbup:


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## Lowlife (Nov 27, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> Are you sure we aren't married to the same person? :scratchhead:
> 
> That's pretty much how it is with me and has been for many years. I'm the bad one because I like to go and do things all the time while he's into just hanging out and watching TV.
> 
> Now, being separated, I just do what I want to guilt free. Works well. :smthumbup:


Yeah...I don't get how we are the bad guys when we don't want to sit around and do nothing. The last couple years mine liked to drink herself into a stupor all of the time in between smokin weed. It was a great life. And she wondered why I didn't want to be around her. :rofl: 

I'm happy being single....it's everything I imagined it to be.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Lowlife said:


> Yeah...I don't get how we are the bad guys when we don't want to sit around and do nothing. The last couple years mine liked to drink herself into a stupor all of the time in between smokin weed. It was a great life. And she wondered why I didn't want to be around her. :rofl:


 :slap: Wow.. we ARE married to the same person! Just substitute "weed" for "cigarettes" and it was the EXACT same scenario! His big line was "Why do you always have to be DOING SOMETHING?" :rofl:

He's sober now but he's still no ball of excitement but at least he's civil and once in awhile it's not so bad to just chill with him but now I don't explain what I'm doing when I do it, I just inform him that I'm doing it. 

That's why I like having my OWN place and space! :smthumbup:


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Affection, to me is a display of desire and involvement towards someone of the highest importance to you. I couldnt understand when I would walk up behind my ex, and put my arms around her and she'd be wiping off the counter and say, I'm busy! or not even acknowledge me. This of course, led to me being called needy and of elevated maintenance...Oh how I heard it all.. "Im not the type to initiate...",, or "you know me, I'm self conscious..", or how the cycle seemed to go on forever,, "I thought you just got finished with one",,, I'd say...
Needy? High Maintenance? 
No, this is normal, madame statue,, I often thought to myself theres got to be women out there that enjoy the attention, affection, and advances of the sexual degree... I only want one, I dont feel the need to spray the crowd like a GWAR concert.. just one trustworthy and loyal woman to walk this life with me. There was a time when my ex's weight had increased easily by 120 lbs. She was big. BUT, despite the physical appearance, I found myself still making advances towards her, and showing her I still found her sexy. Only to be stiffarmed and given an excuse. After a year or so, you feel pathetic trying, you feel trapped with a sexual flop. Even bj's were "not her thing",, but she minded not, when I'd dive undercovers almost all the time...
After several years, our sexlife was nil. Easily four, five years passed before she finally got involved with someone else. there would be small kisses and hand holding, but nothing else. I gave up trying, and decided to wait for her to get over her mental issues with it (as I too was being told I was being pushy, and unnaturally expectatious, unfair and she just always had a problem or another). 
Living like a celebate monk for the last four or five years, doesnt do a whole lot for someone in their prime, but who was trying to honor their marriage and their wife. To ultimately find out she was busy with someone else, just adds another layer of WTF icing to the old cake of misguided sacrifice...


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

I gotta ask..Did she ever lose that extra 120lbs? :scratchhead:

The fact that you wanted to have physical affection with her is amazing. Then she goes and has an affair on you. 

Affection, physical attraction, etc is a strange thing. It can't JUST be about the physical looks, if it was, my H would be crawling all over me, because I look great now and he even says so.. but he doesn't show ANY lust or sexual interest. He's pretty affectionate in a friendly way, but sexually... He seems absolutely devoid of any sexuality. 

It's very complex.


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