# 1st Post & my struggle



## Southeast (Mar 3, 2014)

Well my W & I have been having real issues for years, been to two different counselors over the last three years with no real help. I feel she has pretty much given up & just wants to live as friends so she is not a single mother of three young kids.
Everything in our lives seems to be separate (real trust issues) & nothing I do seems to matter or do any good at getting the relationship back heading in the right direction.

I’ve read a pile of books & have to me at least really been trying to be a better person, husband, father, etc. I’m finishing the Love Dare as we speak & really feel I’ve gotten a lot from the book. Tried to no avail to get my W to read it but she is just not interested. 

I feel she just wants me to watch the kids as she goes out with her friends & basically does what she wants. She could careless about what she is doing & how it’s affecting me. I try almost daily to talk to her but again she does not want to talk & has said she is fine with how things are. I cannot even remember the last time we had sex, at least 4 + months ago & I’m pretty sure I could count on one had how many times we had sex last year. 
She has said sex with me is not any fun, as I struggle with PE issues. 
She has told me if I want sex to go find it & she would have no problem with me being with someone else. Not sure if I believe that or not or just don’t want too. 
We have been married for 15 years & I’ve never even thought about being with anyone else, not that I could make her believe that. 
We just seem to grow further apart everyday despite anything I do. I cannot seem to get through this wall that she has up. 
She does have reason to be upset at me as she found an email from a co worker a couple of years ago that was not in line with what a co worker should be sending. I had worked with this person for years & I knew she was crazy but did not give it much thought. Then she sends this email about how if I was single she would buy me this & that. When I saw it (an my wife) I called the person asking WTF? She claimed a room mate sent it to me trying to get her in trouble. I told her that was not something a friend does & have not spoken to her since. I hear about this email weekly & nothing I can say is going to make her believe that NOTHING happened.
I had the feeling she was on the phone quite a bit & pulled her phone records, which she completely flipped out about. Anyway I found over 600 text & calls to an old guy friend of hers in the span of a month. She said the guy was just a friend & that he was 1000 miles away. 
She did everything thing she could to keep me from being able to pull any more phone records & I’ve not looked since then. 

We are in the process of setting up another counseling session in hopes that this one will make a difference but I’m felling it will not. 
I’m just not sure If I should pull back & let this fall apart or what I can do to get through to her how much I care & want to have a better marriage. To my knowledge no one has been unfaithful & she “says” she wants things too change but just does not have the desire to change them. I’m not sure what to do next, I want to save my marriage & family but I refuse to live miserable for years.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

99% sure she is having an affair or affairs. For sure testing the waters.

read MMSLP and NMMNG, don't watch the kids while she parties. 

Think of filing for D.


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## john1068 (Nov 12, 2013)

Southeast said:


> Well my W & I have been having real issues for years, been to two different counselors over the last three years with no real help. I feel she has pretty much given up & just wants to live as friends so she is not a single mother of three young kids.
> Everything in our lives seems to be separate (real trust issues) & nothing I do seems to matter or do any good at getting the relationship back heading in the right direction.
> 
> I’ve read a pile of books & have to me at least really been trying to be a better person, husband, father, etc. I’m finishing the Love Dare as we speak & really feel I’ve gotten a lot from the book. Tried to no avail to get my W to read it but she is just not interested.
> ...


you may want to have this moved to the Coping with Infidelity forum...too many red flags to be coincidental...


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Why aren't you as angry, finding out she is hiding loads of communications with her ex boy friend, as she is about you catching on to it? Talk about tuning the guilt around on someone. Where has her respect for her husband gone, that she feels she entitled to have a hidden relationship with another man? What's his story? Is he married? Why is she chasing him and not you? Why is he more attractive to her than you? Why is going out playing single more attractive to her, than enjoying time with you?

Do you think baby sitting while she goes out playing single is attractive? When was the last time you went out to enjoy yourself? Do you think if you show her how much you can give her, she'll recommit? Don't fool yourself, the more you try, the more she pulls away. You're trying to convince her with an MC to work on the M. How's that working? You think you're taking the high road, while the more you do, it only makes you look more pathetic to her. As long as you don't have boundaries, and you're not willing to walk away, she is empowered and in control. 

You said you been reading lots, have you read anything to improve just you and your boundaries? I'm not talking about fixing the marriage. I'm talking about fixing you, so this type of marriage can't happen. Read Deejo's sticky thread at the top of this forum's threads.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Well, you seem like a drive by poster, and this situation is so obvious that I'm not going to bother for right now. But if you come back and want to have a conversation, perhaps I'll bite.


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## Applejuice (Feb 21, 2014)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Well, you seem like a drive by poster, and this situation is so obvious that I'm not going to bother for right now. But if you come back and want to have a conversation, perhaps I'll bite.


Does that happen a lot here?

I see you've authored over 3000 posts so I can understand your reluctance to engage, you must have encountered these issues a lot.


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## Southeast (Mar 3, 2014)

Well I have a good friend that is an attorney & we have spoke about making a plan.
I really feel she has not stepped out of the marriage, but I hear what everyone is saying. The last time I confronted her with the red flags I was seeing & asked if she was unfaithful her response was just because I don’t want to be with you I have to be cheating? Which is a typical response from her, she always lashes out & says very hurtful things if I say anything which makes the whole thing 10 x worse.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Well, you seem like a drive by poster, and this situation is so obvious that I'm not going to bother for right now. But if you come back and want to have a conversation, perhaps I'll bite.


LOL. Driveby poster. You better watch it you're pushing the envelope WOM,

p.s. Applejuice it happens a whole lot.

I showed my H this post because he was telling me about one of his superior who wife work there also in another section. He is a pretty stern boss but his wife treat him like a doormat openly. She had 3 kids when they met and she has one with him. He has to do every thing for the kids so rarely stays late and she goes out to happy hour constantly with a group of friends. My H gets frustrated with him because he expects everyone to bend over backwards to accommodate him so he can be at her beck and call.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

So, under the circumstances and your wife's open ambivalence towards you and the marriage, why do you want to stay with this woman?


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## Southeast (Mar 3, 2014)

Deejo said:


> So, under the circumstances and your wife's open ambivalence towards you and the marriage, why do you want to stay with this woman?


Well that is the million dollar question. Well I do love her, want to make every attempt to save our marriage, honor my commenment & raise my kids in the best enviroment. 
I would really hate too split up & say a year or two from now boy I wish I had spoke to XYZ or read XYZ book, etc. I want to know for sure its time to move on or start making progress in the right direction.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Southeast said:


> Well that is the million dollar question. Well I do love her, want to make every attempt to save our marriage, honor my commenment & raise my kids in the best enviroment.
> I would really hate too split up & say a year or two from now boy I wish I had spoke to XYZ or read XYZ book, etc. I want to know for sure its time to move on or start making progress in the right direction.


Then may I suggest that you decide, now, for yourself exactly the circumstances 'that it's time to move on' are.

Else, you will stay. Stuck and frustrated, until either you, or she, steps outside the marriage and makes the decision for the both of you, at the cost of someones dignity.


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## Southeast (Mar 3, 2014)

Deejo said:


> Then may I suggest that you decide, now, for yourself exactly the circumstances 'that it's time to move on' are.
> 
> Else, you will stay. Stuck and frustrated, until either you, or she, steps outside the marriage and makes the decision for the both of you, at the cost of someones dignity.


I agree & I hope the MC can help me decide what the circumstances are that prove its tme to move on.


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

Lawyer up

Serve Her D papers

tell her to pack her crap and LET the door hit her in the arse

tell her unless she is willing to truly work on the marriage, you WILL follow through with D

tell her you WILL NOT simply be her room mate and baby sitter...either its a marriage with all the perks that come with marriage or your moving on

start working out, get back to hobbies you like, work on you instead of working tirelessly on "us"

do you want to teach your kids that its ok to be in a loveless marriage?? Trust me the pick up on all the tension and resentment and they will be more likely to put up with this situation...dont teach them that


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

You need to pull more phone records. Also think about getting a keylogger on her computer, and think about getting a VAR in her car. Maybe GPS as well. Sounds like she's had or is having an affair, if not multiple affairs.

Also, if any of your children were born within (or at all near) this "funk" period, you might want to think about a DNA test. Sorry if that's hard to hear/read. 

Is it just me, or does this type of stuff happening between the 12-16 year mark tend to be pretty common...?

Someone page Weightlifter!


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Southeast said:


> Well I have a good friend that is an attorney & we have spoke about making a plan.
> I really feel she has not stepped out of the marriage, but I hear what everyone is saying. The last time I confronted her with the red flags I was seeing & asked if she was unfaithful her response was just because I don’t want to be with you I have to be cheating? Which is a typical response from her, she always lashes out & says very hurtful things if I say anything which makes the whole thing 10 x worse.


Sounds like she didn't answer the question and then got all p!ssy afterward. Deflection is a pretty common tactic for a cheater.

Don't say anything else, and start snooping (for lack of a better word) as quickly -- and DISCRETELY -- as possible.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Southeast said:


> Well my W & I have been having real issues for years, been to two different counselors over the last three years with no real help.


Marriage counseling only helps people who want to be married. No counselor is capable of convincing your wife that she should want to be married to you.



> I’ve read a pile of books & have to me at least really been trying to be a better person, husband, father, etc. I’m finishing the Love Dare as we speak & really feel I’ve gotten a lot from the book. Tried to no avail to get my W to read it but she is just not interested.


Again, your wife doesn't want to change your marriage because she's satisfied (for now) with the state of your marriage. She gets her needs met and you don't. It's simple.

If you want to read books that can actually help you, read Married Man Sex Life Primer and No More Mister Nice Guy. These books will help you more than a Churchian text like The Love Dare that simply tries to convince you that a whole lot of unconditional love and service just might change your wife's heart. It won't.



> I feel she just wants me to watch the kids as she goes out with her friends & basically does what she wants. She could careless about what she is doing & how it’s affecting me. I try almost daily to talk to her but again she does not want to talk & has said she is fine with how things are.


Sure. She doesn't see you as a husband. She sees you as a butler. You can either continue to serve her as her butler, or you can assume your authority as her husband.



> She has told me if I want sex to go find it & she would have no problem with me being with someone else. Not sure if I believe that or not or just don’t want too.


There are three possible reasons she would tell you to go outside the marriage. First, she is already doing so and this is a sneaky way to assuage her guilt and turn your marriage into an open marriage. Second, she actually doesn't care whether you remain faithful to her. Third, she does care and just thinks that you're too beta to call her bluff. So, she uses it to shut you up about sex.



> We just seem to grow further apart everyday despite anything I do. I cannot seem to get through this wall that she has up.


That's understandable. What you have to do is change your behavior. See, there are two basic types of behavior husbands can exhibit. Alpha behaviors are attractive. These include assertiveness, confidence, social dominance, and high wealth. Beta behaviors are comforting. These include being a steady earner, good father, helping around the house, and being supportive of her.

Most men are light on alpha and heavy on beta. And their wives don't like this, so they act out in some way. Men respond to this bad behavior from their wives by ramping up the beta, which they're already too high in. And this causes their wives to be even less attracted to them. And it just forms a death spiral of men desperately engaging in ever-increasing levels of behavior that their wives find unattractive. That's one of the basic premises of the Married Man Sex Life Primer.



> She does have reason to be upset at me as she found an email from a co worker a couple of years ago that was not in line with what a co worker should be sending. I had worked with this person for years & I knew she was crazy but did not give it much thought. Then she sends this email about how if I was single she would buy me this & that.


So, you think that the fact that other women find you attractive is a valid reason for your wife to be angry with you? Seriously? You couldn't be more wrong. Most wives are happy to have husbands that other women find attractive.



> I had the feeling she was on the phone quite a bit & pulled her phone records, which she completely flipped out about. Anyway I found over 600 text & calls to an old guy friend of hers in the span of a month. She said the guy was just a friend & that he was 1000 miles away.


That's obvious proof of an affair. People who are just friends don't call/text each other 20 times a day. The only people who do that are infatuated with each other like love struck teenagers. Sorry.



> She did everything thing she could to keep me from being able to pull any more phone records & I’ve not looked since then.


Seriously? You catch your wife in an emotional affair with another man, she has the gall to ask you to give her space to pursue it, and you do? That's weak.



> I’m just not sure If I should pull back & let this fall apart or what I can do to get through to her how much I care & want to have a better marriage.


Decide what you want in response to her feelings and actions. Make a chart. If she has done X, but not Y, what do you want in that scenario? She is infatuated with another man. Accept that. She might have had sex with him. If that matters to you, then you need to investigate the possibility. It might be possible to make her love you again. It might not.

Are you willing to change your behavior to hopefully change hers?



> To my knowledge no one has been unfaithful & she “says” she wants things too change but just does not have the desire to change them. I’m not sure what to do next, I want to save my marriage & family but I refuse to live miserable for years.


Assuming your wife hasn't had sex with another man, or you're OK if she has, I say read Married Man Sex Life Primer, or the Mindful Attraction Plan at Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits. and run the MAP for 18 months before you decide for sure. It's likely that your wife will begin to respond positively to you before you've been running the MAP for long.

And don't announce your new books and self-improvement regiment. Just read the books and change your behavior. She doesn't need to know why you're doing it.

Good luck.


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## Southeast (Mar 3, 2014)

PHTLump thank you for the detailed response, I've just ordered the Married Man Sex Life. Its time for some changes..


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

OK STOP. You are spiraling out of control just effing stop already.
1) PM a moderator to move this to coping with infidelity section.
2) STOP DOING well everydamnthing you are doing now cause you are doing it WRONG. You are making the mess bigger. Yes I know I am not subtle. I can help you fix this.
3) Looking at the list I would put affair at 85% chance. Probably starting about a month after she cut you off.
LISTEN TO John on phone issues. He is our resident phone diety.
Im local head of the CIA. Here is the standard evidence gathering post.

For heavens sakes STOP TALKING TO HER! Find out what is going on. These half azzed confronts are COSTING YOU!

Your wife is acting funny. Her phone and email suddenly have passwords you don't know. She shuts down phone apps or changes windows on the computer whenever you enter the room. She is suddenly staying out until 2 to 5 in the morning. She has new single friends. She has lost weight and is dressing hotter to boot. Her ex contacted her 3 weeks ago and she wants “to meet to catch up at some public place” Any of this sound familiar? If your wife comes home from an alone time does she immediately change liners, change panties possibly even immediately laundering them?, shower? This can be an after the fact clean up. 

If you are reading this your gut is going crazy. “Relax”, in that there is a high liklihood that you are not crazy at least. “Your gut” is your basic instinct from the caveman period. There is something up with your mate. It is part of your mind built into you and in your DNA. You probably cant sleep. You are losing weight like crazy and are not hungry. Well if you are reading this and that is 90% of you reading this if its your first time... You are embarking on what is probably going to be the worst time of your life.

Chin up, yes I know it is damn near impossible to believe now, but I and the people at TAM here have taken dozens of men through this process. Some reconcile, most dont in the long run so be aware. Most of us hang around this grim grim place for a sense of “pay it forward” and “getting at the truth” Even in divorce, the long run the majority find love again... yes really. Often selecting a far far better future companion. Read poster BFF for a thread of disaster, divorce, recovery, and a new wonderful woman in his life. Younger and hotter, yes, but also one with better boundaries, often a far far better personality match. Oh and they get to go through that first time with her after the first I love you's have been exchanged. Just know, that for the majority, even if the marriage crashes, in six months, a year, maybe two you will wonder how you got so far so fast and how great your new life is. You will also be MUCH MUCH stronger as a person.

So. Here are your instructions. Do this now. I dont mean next week. I mean make something up within the next day and GET IT DONE! Not looking will only prolong your agony.
Rule 1 for this.
SHUT UP. Eyes open. YOUR mouth closed. confronting only makes them better at hiding. 
Rule 2 for this.
SHUT UP. Eyes open. YOUR mouth closed. confronting only makes them better at hiding. 
Rule 3 for this.
SHUT UP. Eyes open. YOUR mouth closed. confronting only makes them better at hiding. 

NO MORE CONFRONTS!! Play dumb husband for a bit. Dont drive her further underground! Soft confronts with little evidence RARELY WORK AND ONLY MAKE GETTING AT THE TRUTH HARDER!!! THIS PROLONGS YOUR AGONY! 

Buy 2 sony ICDPX312 or ICDPX333 voice activated recorders. Best Buy sells them for like 50 bucks. DO NOT BUY a cheap VAR. SONY SONY SONY. USE LITHIUM batteries. We have examples of 25 hour recordings using them on these sony recorders. My icon here IS a Sony ICDPX312. No I do not have stock in nor work for Sony.

Setup instructions are on page 19. Also good stuff on page 31.
Use 44K bit rate for balancing file size vs quality DO NOT USE 8K!!!!! Simply put. The higher the quality the better the sound and 8K sucks. ALSO. The higher the quality the more you can manipulate the mp3 in Audacity.
Set VOR "on" see page 38
See page 40 for adding memory if necessary
Play with it yourself to get familiar. TEST IT OUT 
Turn off the beep feature. Its on one of the menus. You can even play prevent defense by going to a dollar store, buying uber-cheapie earbuds, cut off the buds but put in the jack which will actually disable the speaker for additional protection.

Go to Walmart and buy heavy duty velcro.
This is one item: Velcro Heavy-Duty Hook and Loop Fastener VEK90117: Office : Walmart.com
also
Purchase VELCRO Hook and Loop Fasteners, Sticky-Back, for less at Walmart.com. Save money. Live better.
The velcro is usually in the fabric section or less often in the aisle with the fasteners like screws. The velcro pack is mostly blue with a yellow top. Clear pack shows the vecro color which is black or white. 

Use the velcro to attach the var under her seat UP INSIDE. SECURE IT WELL!!!!!! So well even a big bump wont knock it off. attach one side HD velcro from Walmart to back. USE BIG PIECE
attach other side HD velcro again UP INSIDE car seat. ATTACH THE CRAP out of it. It needs to stay put going over big potholes or railroad tracks.

Put the second VAR in whatever room she uses to talk in when you are not around. If you are a typical man, use your size advantage to put it someplace she cant reach, even on a chair. Beware spring cleaning season if she does it.

I recommend exporting the sound files to your comp. The recorder is very cumbersome for playback.

Amazon has a pen VAR that can be placed in a purse or other small place to get remote conversations. Yes the pen works.

IMPORTANT warning. If you hear another man and perhaps a little kissing or activity... STOP Listening and have a trusted friend listen and tell you what went on. Knowing she is a cheat will kill you. Hearing her moan while another man is inside her will murder you to your very soul!!!!!! You are not strong enough to hear that. Dont try it. I know what I am talking about in this.

If you need clean up the recordings get Audacity. Its free from the internet. I have used it on var work for others here to remove things like engine noise. If needed, I have done var work for four men here. RDMU is the only one who has released some of the confidentiality. Read his second thread for my reliability and confidentiality. 

Lets be very clear about what the VAR is for and is not for. It will not be court admissible evidence. It is not for the confrontation. IT IS TO GET YOU AHEAD OF THE AFFAIR so you can gain other real evidence by knowing the who and when. NEVER MENTION YOUR VAR EVIDENCE. As far as the cheater is concerned, they were seen by a PI or something NOT your VAR!! 

The ezoom GPS has been found to be easy to buy at Radio shack and useful. There is even a locator webpage you can track with. Amazon sells a semen detection kit called checkmate.

Look for a burner phone. This is a second phone from a prepay service just used for cheating communications. That is often why wives let the husband "see their phone" They don't use their main phone for cheating purposes.

There is an app out there called teensafe. Its for both Iphone and Android. It monitors texts, GPS and facebook. Needs no jailbreak. Not perfect and delayed but no jailbreak required.

Look for apps on her phone like words with friends. It has a non traceable texting feature.
Here is a list 25 Apps to Help You Cheat On Your Girlfriend | Complex

If he uses chrome or firefox, there is probably a list of saved passwords you can look at. Even if his email isn't saved there, people usually only use a couple of different passwords, so one from the list might work. 

For firefox it's Tools -> Options -> Security -> Saved Passwords

For Chrome it's the little box with three bars in the top right -> Settings - Show advanced settings -> Managed saved passwords

If paternity is in doubt, (gredit graywolf2) SNP Microarray: Unlike amniocentesis, a non-invasive prenatal paternity test does not require a needle inserted into the mother’s womb. The SNP microarray procedure uses new technology that involves preserving and analyzing the baby’s DNA found naturally in the mother’s bloodstream. The test is accurate, 99.9%, using a tiny quantity of DNA — as little as found in a single cell. 

Credit john1068 01-09-2014
Is her internet browsers set up to use Google as the default search engine? And does she use a gmail account? If so, she can delete here browser history all she wants, that only deletes the history that is localbin the browser itself...

On ANY computer, navigate to https://google.com/history. Log in using her gmail credentials and you'll have all history right there. Cant be deleted unless your wife logs in this same way...she'd only be deleting Chrome, IE, or Firefox history, not the Google history when deleting within the browser itself. 

01172014 1033A

There does not appear to be a function within the Android OS that allows the recall of deleted info as is found on IOS. However, even on Android, When a text is deleted, the OS simply "loses" the address to where it is on the memory chip, but it's still there. 

Go to your computer and navigate to Dr. Fone for Android @ Dr.Fone for Android - Android Phone & Tablet Data Recovery SoftwareAndroid Phone Data Recovery.

You can download a trial version if you're operating system is XP/Vista/Win 7/Win 8 all on either 32 or 64 bit.

Download the program to your computer, open it, connect the Android phone to the computer via the micro USB cable and follow the instructions on the Dr. Fone program. You can recover deleted SMS, MMS, photos (yes, this includes SnapChats), vids, and documents.

Not everything is recoverable because the operating system continues to overwrite the data so if you don't recover this data on a regular basis, you may miss some pieces...

But there are also many Android apps that store deleted files and texts, even some that allow you to download and HID the app (ex. ). 

They are also in her Spotlight Search...don't even need to connect to a computer. All deleted texts are still held onto. Type in the contact TELEPHONE number and every text, even the deleted ones, will show up in the search.

IOS 7 from any home screen put your finger in the middle of the screen and swipe downward. Enter the telephone number and start reading the hits.

IOS 6 from the first home screen, swipe left, enter the telephone number and start reading the hits. 

Credit rodphoto 01162014 
After researching the web for countless hours about software to find deleted messages on my wife's iphone I figured out this super easy method.

From the home screen swipe left to right until the spotlight page appears. Its a screen with the key board at bottom and a box at the top that says "search iphone" type your typical search words, anything sexual etc... All past messeges containing the search word will appear on a list, deleted or not. You'll only get the first line but that is usually enough. Just busted my wife again doing this a few days ago!

Rugs: swipe left on your first page of the main menu.

"spotlight search" under settings -> general -> spotlight search has to show "messages" as ticked. 

Right here, right now: Taking screenshots on iOS devices -> hold down home button and press sleep button. The screenshot will be placed under your photo album.

Also there is an app to "stitch" messages like a panoramic photo, but only for iPad. go to app store and search "stitch". Damn it's 4 am. i need to go to bed. 

Note that this applies only to Spotlight Search in IOS 6 and lower. For IOS 7 running on Iphone 4 and 5, put your finger in the middle of any of the home screens and swipe downward. 

Type in the search string you want (telephone number, contact name, keyword, etc) and it will search every instance in the iPhone where that appears. 

You may FIRST want to go into the Settings>General>Spotlight Search and then check or uncheck the areas that you want to search - make certain that "messages" and "mail" are CHECKED or else your search will not look into these areas. 

The same info is on the spot light on the ipad too ! If the settings isnt checked off, you can find all the same history!


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Is your Wife a stay at home mom?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Southeast said:


> PHTLump thank you for the detailed response, I've just ordered the Married Man Sex Life. Its time for some changes..


Sorry for the reasons you're here, Southwest. Glad you recognize it's time for you to change if you want your life to change. 

While you're waiting for brother member Athol's book to arrive, here's the other book suggested by PHTlump for your reading.

No More Mr Nice Guy. 

Take a look and see the behaviors that make others lose respect...


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## Southeast (Mar 3, 2014)

Thanks everyone, I'll grab a couple of recorders tonight. My wife is a Computer Programmer & in general a very smart person so if she wants to cover her tracks I'm sure she will be good at it. 
I'm reading & taking notes, its time for change. 

I'm not afraid to be alone, I'm a great looking guy in shape (workout 4 or 5 times a week) so I'm not worried about not finding someone else that's not it. I have a great job (we both make great money). I just want to get to the bottom of all this & move to the next step what ever that is.


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## Applejuice (Feb 21, 2014)

Wow, I feel quite exhausted after reading the latest contributions, especially PHTlumps! 

Just a thought South but if your wife IS computer savvy then you may want to be extra careful when it comes to checking her online breadcrumb trail. If she's as devious as many here have suggested, she may also check to see if you've attempted to compromise her safeguards. It's incredibly easy to ascertain when a computer was last booted up, which files where accessed and which websites were browsed, if not locally then certainly at router level and I assume she set up your LAN.

If your LAN has a 'personalised' SID (network name) and you weren't responsible for changing it from 'routermakemodel-XYZ' to 'Southeast_and_wife_loving_network', then she probably altered the default settings herself, including the default Administrative password. Most routers, if set accordingly, will log the destination IP's of local nodes.

Anyway, best of luck! I really hope it isn't as dire as it seems but I'm glad you're looking at this from a proactive standpoint. Way to seize the initiative!!


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Just remember to not substitute for sony vars. Other brands. Not so good.

Oh and make sure YOU are covering your trails here.

What kind of programmer is your wife? Network?


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## Southeast (Mar 3, 2014)

I'm going at lunch to grab the VAR. Seems she has changed her mind on seeing a MC, as of this morning she said she is not interested in going. I'm going to go by myself, what can it hurt.
Already started the exit plan.


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## Applejuice (Feb 21, 2014)

Southeast said:


> I'm going at lunch to grab the VAR. Seems she has changed her mind on seeing a MC, as of this morning she said she is not interested in going. I'm going to go by myself, what can it hurt.
> Already started the exit plan.


Well done South! As you say, it can't hurt and you may learn a lot in the process!

Keep us posted!


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

The marriage will only work if both want it. IMO, trying to get her to go see a MC is a waste of time, effort and throwing good money after bad. 

Here's the way it is. She wants her life just like it is which includes the security of home, finances and to act like a single woman.

You on the other hand are playing right in to her hand. She's holding all the aces because you gave them to her so why would she want to go see a MC when she pretty much told you that she's livin' large and your just the baby sitter.

If it was me, she would receive a large manila envelope at work from a strange man and when she opened it up would find out that the baby sitter is looking for something a whole lot better then what he's getting. It's called being served divorce papers. Maybe it wont knock her for a loop, but she's going to realize that she's in for a life changing adventure that is going to cut in to her social life which she seems to value more then she values her husband.

You don't have a marriage my friend. To her, your the hired hand who gets little respect and you should be asking yourself if you deserve better than your getting.

Stop wasting your time and deal with this situation and in the long run, you'll be a happier man.


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## john1068 (Nov 12, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> LISTEN TO John on phone issues. He is our resident phone diety.


John here, reporting for duty.

I couldn't care less that your WW is a computer pro. She doesn't scare. I eat glass for breakfast and drink battery acid for lunch. She's so smart that she thought she could pull this one over on you. Driven by her cheating heart to do such things that excite her. But she will have made mistakes, and we are going to capitalize on them. 

What kind of phone does she use - Android or iPhone? Instructions are different depending on your answer, so get back on that and I'll follow up with next steps. 

She can delete all she wants from her phone. She knows full well that that which she deletes isn't actually deleted. It's just not able to be viewed by her or you by looking at the phone's screen. No problem...she's counting on your trust in her and will use it as a weapon against you. She's counting on you taking her word for it that all's cool. She's counting on your relative lack of knowledge about forensic data recovery - nah, he doesn't have the nutz to dig THAT deep...

Let her keep thinking that.


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## Southeast (Mar 3, 2014)

John I hear you, she uses a iphone 5. The VAR has been deployed so I should know more soon.
She keeps her phone pretty close, just getting it for a sec is going to be a challenge. 
I went to the MC today by myself & had a real good talk.


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## Applejuice (Feb 21, 2014)

john1068 said:


> John here, reporting for duty.
> 
> I couldn't care less that your WW is a computer pro. She doesn't scare. I eat glass for breakfast and drink battery acid for lunch. She's so smart that she thought she could pull this one over on you. Driven by her cheating heart to do such things that excite her. But she will have made mistakes, and we are going to capitalize on them.
> 
> ...


lol.. you crack me up! If I ever start a business, will you be our mascot?


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## Applejuice (Feb 21, 2014)

Southeast said:


> John I hear you, she uses a iphone 5. The VAR has been deployed so I should know more soon.
> She keeps her phone pretty close, just getting it for a sec is going to be a challenge.
> I went to the MC today by myself & had a real good talk.


Outstanding you marine force recon rookie you!! I see a bright future at Langley for someone with your innate talents!!


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

Southeast said:


> I'm going at lunch to grab the VAR. Seems she has changed her mind on seeing a MC, as of this morning she said she is not interested in going. I'm going to go by myself, what can it hurt.
> Already started the exit plan.


Waste of time and money. You can see an individual counselor. There's no point in trying to save your marriage when your wife isn't interested.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

Southeast said:


> Well I have a good friend that is an attorney & we have spoke about making a plan.
> I really feel she has not stepped out of the marriage, but I hear what everyone is saying. The last time I confronted her with the red flags I was seeing & asked if she was unfaithful her response was just because I don’t want to be with you I have to be cheating? Which is a typical response from her, she always lashes out & says very hurtful things if I say anything which makes the whole thing 10 x worse.


Southeast, I hate to say this but your marriage is over. She's gone. She checked out two years ago.

You know as well as I do that she ducked your question. Of course she doesn't HAVE to be cheating, but she is. You know this. As you've been told one does not have 600 text messages to a casual friend.

You've been given good advice on what to do. Between John and Weightlifter you'll soon have all the evidence you need. What you need to do is to decide what to do then. I'd suggest that you NOT confront. There's no point to confrontations. She already knows more than you ever will. All the evidence is for is make you certain that you are doing the right thing. One more thing. Talk to a lawyer. Don't tell her, just do it.

I certainly hope that I am wrong and that it is something else that is upsetting your wife. But that's not the way to bet.


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## Numlock (Mar 7, 2014)

anchorwatch said:


> Why aren't you as angry, finding out she is hiding loads of communications with her ex boy friend, as she is about you catching on to it? Talk about tuning the guilt around on someone. Where has her respect for her husband gone, that she feels she entitled to have a hidden relationship with another man? What's his story? Is he married? Why is she chasing him and not you? Why is he more attractive to her than you? Why is going out playing single more attractive to her, than enjoying time with you?
> 
> Do you think baby sitting while she goes out playing single is attractive? When was the last time you went out to enjoy yourself? Do you think if you show her how much you can give her, she'll recommit? Don't fool yourself, the more you try, the more she pulls away. You're trying to convince her with an MC to work on the M. How's that working? You think you're taking the high road, while the more you do, it only makes you look more pathetic to her. As long as you don't have boundaries, and you're not willing to walk away, she is empowered and in control.
> 
> You said you been reading lots, have you read anything to improve just you and your boundaries? I'm not talking about fixing the marriage. I'm talking about fixing you, so this type of marriage can't happen. Read Deejo's sticky thread at the top of this forum's threads.


Couldn't have said this better myself!!! :iagree:


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