# Step son issues



## casey.ree (Aug 25, 2017)

Hello! I posted last month about my step-son getting son my nerves ect...I talked to my husband about me getting some therapy as he was not keen on the whole family going and talking to someone. He said it would not help if I talked to someone. That there wasn't a problem. So basically I am left here to try to work out these issues on my own. In the past week we went to my sons football game and the whole time my stepson sat there telling my bad my son sucked and how bad his team was ect..So it ruined the whole game for me. He talked about how much better he could be IF he played. So I sat him down after the game and told him he is NO better than anyone else and if he wants to sit with us at future games that I don't want him to talk about my son or how much better he thinks he is. We will see how tonight goes!
I think I figured out why I cant stand him so much besides his arrogance. And it really has nothing to do with HIM. Its because he is SO spoiled by his mother. He gets to do everything (go on vacations ect) gets everything he wants, and I cant provide that for my son, not do I want to spoil my son. But it makes me feel bad for my son. and resentment towards my step-son. I KNOW this is something to work on, and what makes it worse is his dad does nothing about it. I know he loves that fact that he's spoiled and we cant do the same for my son. That pisses me off even more.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

If you want to go to therapy, go. You don't need a permission slip from your husband. 

It would be good to work on these issues and the resentment


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Each and every time that kid talks about how much better he'd be tell him to put up or shut up. Eventually, he'll get the hint.

If you want counseling, go.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Why do you let your husband dictate whether or not you can go to a counselor to help you deal with your issues?


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## casey.ree (Aug 25, 2017)

I just know if I go then my husband will give me the silent treatment or act funny. He is immature like that. I spent some alone 0ne-on-one time with my son this past weekend, first time in years. He did not like it one bit. Gave me the silent treatment for a few hours. needed to know what we talked about ect.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

casey.ree said:


> I just know if I go then my husband will give me the silent treatment or act funny. He is immature like that. I spent some alone 0ne-on-one time with my son this past weekend, first time in years. He did not like it one bit. Gave me the silent treatment for a few hours. needed to know what we talked about ect.


Reading the above made me sad, what a way to live. I would have zero tolerance for such behavior.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I was married to a man who had full custody of his sons. We met when the boys were 5 & 7. I with my ex for 27 years. Basically I raised the boys. The bio mom, when in the picture, did not want the boys to bond with me so she told them lies about me and told them they did not have to listen to me and that I did not love them. She basically walked away thinking she could get custody later and when the boys' dad didn't bow to what she wanted of him she became vindictive and used the kids as her tool for revenge. I tried to talk to her but anything I said fell on deaf ears. The boys' refused to deal with her. Whenever a couple has unresolved issues the kids will pay the price in a divorce. I think so much could have been prevented if the boys' dad could have talked to their mom.

My inlaws seemed to think I should treat the boys better than my own children and if the boys were upset about something they had to know why and if it was something I did I was in the wrong for hurting them. Step families are very difficult. It never got any better for me. As the boys grew into teens they became even more bitter and angry towards me, the only parent that would step to the plate and care for them. In the end I was happy to wipe the slate clean and walk away.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Why are you married to him?


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

casey.ree said:


> Hello! I posted last month about my step-son getting son my nerves ect...I talked to my husband about me getting some therapy as he was not keen on the whole family going and talking to someone. He said it would not help if I talked to someone. That there wasn't a problem. So basically I am left here to try to work out these issues on my own. In the past week we went to my sons football game and the whole time my stepson sat there telling my bad my son sucked and how bad his team was ect..So it ruined the whole game for me. He talked about how much better he could be IF he played. So I sat him down after the game and told him he is NO better than anyone else and if he wants to sit with us at future games that I don't want him to talk about my son or how much better he thinks he is. We will see how tonight goes!
> I think I figured out why I cant stand him so much besides his arrogance. And it really has nothing to do with HIM. Its because he is SO spoiled by his mother. He gets to do everything (go on vacations ect) gets everything he wants, and I cant provide that for my son, not do I want to spoil my son. But it makes me feel bad for my son. and resentment towards my step-son. I KNOW this is something to work on, and what makes it worse is his dad does nothing about it. I know he loves that fact that he's spoiled and we cant do the same for my son. That pisses me off even more.


Actually, the problem is with your husband, not your stepson or your husband's ex-wife. Yes, your stepson's behavior is bad, and it's made worse by his mother spoiling him. But your husband is allowing him to treat you this way. Your husband is not supporting you and is turning a blind eye to this problem, and he refuses to discipline or set boundaries with his own son, and that is a major problem. He is showing you that he will choose his son over you every time, and he expects you to suck it up.

This will eventually end or ruin your marriage if your husband doesn't get on board. Are you willing to live with this BS for the rest of your life?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

casey.ree said:


> I just know if I go then my husband will give me the silent treatment or act funny. He is immature like that. I spent some alone 0ne-on-one time with my son this past weekend, first time in years. He did not like it one bit. Gave me the silent treatment for a few hours. needed to know what we talked about ect.


So what? The silent treatment is a favorite tactic of the passive aggressive. And as long as he sees that it affects you, he will keep doing it. Next time, IGNORE HIM and go on about your business. Go to therapy if you want to go, he cant tell you not to. He also cant tell you not to spend time with your own son. Do what you want and to hell with the silent treatment crap, look at it as a break from the bullcrap he normally spews. 

The more you post, the more I think you need to get out.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Honestly, in your role, the most important person to focus on is your step son. He obviously has an inferiority complex and may be jealous of the relationship you have with your son. A lot of these things can get complex with mixed marriages and you would do best to not let it bother you as a mother of your son, but use it as a teaching experience as the step mother of your step son. Our emotions can control our primary focus, and that is to teach our youths. 

How hold is he? I am guessing early teens or so? How is your relationship with him? Can you talk with him one on one? Does he interact appropriately with you in those circumstances? He may actually need reassurance from you. Clearly he isn't acting appropriately, but you must find out why before you can resolve it.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

casey.ree said:


> I just know if I go then my husband will give me the silent treatment or act funny. He is immature like that. I spent some alone 0ne-on-one time with my son this past weekend, first time in years. He did not like it one bit. Gave me the silent treatment for a few hours. needed to know what we talked about ect.


Casey, huge red flag....I have been there and I know....you say your husband will IGNORE you, that he is immature in that way. Ignoring is a form of CONTROL! Your husband is using passive-aggressive behavior to control you. You feel obligated to please him and the two of you have an ugly danced based on you wanting to make him happy but you will not be able to make him happy as he has not told you the rules of his game. Sound familiar? More than likely you took on the responsibility of his son is an attempt to make him happy and perhaps you cared for the child and could see he needed someone in his life as passive-aggressive men tend to play the same games with their children as well, very self-centered people. However, your HUSBAND is the one who needs to be responsible for his son. I know that is not easy and you can tell me all the reasons why you have taken on the responsibility for this child, I did the same but you really need to stop and take a look at it all.....your husband needs to step to the father plate. he is shirking his responsibility because he knows you will take care of it BUT guess who also gets the blame when things don't go as planned and the little boy gets upset? You, of course! Then daddy comes out smelling like a rose because he never got involved. You are the dumping target. Reversing the game is nearly impossible!! With help from counseling I was bale to see this in my own situation and I took the steps to change the dance but when I did my (now) ex became even more distant and would not owe his behavior. My suggestion is that you read about passive-aggressive behavior.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

casey.ree said:


> I just know if I go then my husband will give me the silent treatment or act funny. He is immature like that. I spent some alone 0ne-on-one time with my son this past weekend, first time in years. He did not like it one bit. Gave me the silent treatment for a few hours. needed to know what we talked about ect.


All the more reason for you to go to counselling. You're living with two teens and a man child. Your husband doesn't get to dictate whether you go to counselling or not.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

I think you did great by telling him NOT to bad mouth your son-- he is no better than anyone else. I wouldn't want to sit by the 'debbie downer' either!!! Sit with other positive people. 

Go to therapy!!! My spouse doesn't want to go talk with anyone so I go!! Spouse disapproves of this but I don't care as I have to do something for me!


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Some surprising language and apparent jealousy. "I think I figured out why I cant stand him so much besides his arrogance. And it really has nothing to do with HIM. Its because he is SO spoiled by his mother. He gets to do everything (go on vacations ect) gets everything he wants, and I cant provide that for my son," The mom apparently treats her own son better, leading stepson to be jealous so he talks about how much better he is in football. 

Mom definitely needs therapy. Discipline may periodically needed, BUT IT CANNOT BE ADMINISTERED BY A MOTHER OR STEP MOTHER WHO DOES NOT LIKE THE CHILD.


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## casey.ree (Aug 25, 2017)

Sorry it has been awhile since I have had a chance to respond. Thank you for all the great advice! It dawned on me today (and made me even more upset) that my husband gets upset at the fact that I want to spend one on one time with my son but his son gets all the one on one time he wants with his mom. His response is "I have no control over that". Really...that's YOUR son. He has more control over that than he does over how much time I spend with mine. But yet I get the silent treatment when I do. I really feel that my husband enjoys that fact that his son is spoiled by his mom and his excuse is he cant do anything about it. Which makes me angry and resent his son.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

casey.ree said:


> Sorry it has been awhile since I have had a chance to respond. Thank you for all the great advice! It dawned on me today (and made me even more upset) that my husband gets upset at the fact that I want to spend one on one time with my son but his son gets all the one on one time he wants with his mom. His response is "I have no control over that". Really...that's YOUR son. He has more control over that than he does over how much time I spend with mine. But yet I get the silent treatment when I do. I really feel that my husband enjoys that fact that his son is spoiled by his mom and his excuse is he cant do anything about it. Which makes me angry and resent his son.


Your resentment is misplaced. Your husband is the jerk here. I would suggest you all either get into therapy, or divorce.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

3Xnocharm said:


> Your resentment is misplaced.


Quoted for emphasis.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

That's not a good environment for your son.


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