# Still confused on my marriage..



## Lola416 (Apr 25, 2015)

So a little update we finished our marriage counseling yesterday and although I felt like we made progress I’m still not sure if I can live like this. I definitely won’t trust him again and I just feel like he makes me sick. We are not living together but we were dating each other trying to get back what we had. He seemed to be trying hard but I just feel like I don’t believe him. So I’m ending my thread with this one. I am pretty sure I am going to end this marriage. I am not looking for any relationship right now Although he ruined me I am confident that there will be someone for me out there that I can have fun with and smile again. Thanks for all your help


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Lola, sorry things didn't work out as you may have wanted, but you have to do what is right for you. If you don't think you can trust him anymore, you have to do what you need for YOU. Please take care of yourself while going through all this.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Always trust your gut instincts, @Lola416 ~ it rarely, if ever, deceives you! 

And all in due time, you will find "that guy" you speak of! 

Continue to exhibit courage!*


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## Lifesontheup (Jun 1, 2018)

Sometimes it just can't be fixed and its time to move on. There is better out there and remember you deserve it :smile2:


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Lola416 said:


> I am pretty sure I am going to end this marriage.


Wisest decision EVER.

He's a serial cheater. Long after you dump his worthless lying ass, he'll STILL be a serial cheater.


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Congratulations on finding the courage to end he marriage. It would have been easier to continue on with the marriage and pretended that everything was just fine.

And the right guy is definitely out there waiting for you. He will will know that he is it goood enough for for and treat you how you should be treated.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It's hard to end a marriage. It's harder to live with someone you can't trust. BTDT.


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## Lola416 (Apr 25, 2015)

So I thought this would be over but now I’m not too sure. My husband has been really making effort to make this work he won’t let it go. He says he doesn’t want to break up our family and regrets what he has done. When we talk I sometimes see and understand his reasons for the affair. Grant it marriage is work. Over the years it has become a routine with no spark. All about our kids. He says he needed a little more and craved the attention. I could feel what he says because I have felt at times like cheating or wanting out but the difference is i never acted and that’s where we differ. When we speak about this he says he was really stupid and regrets it and never had any intention of us breaking us or for him to be single. This is where I feel like I just can’t get thru to him. What did he think was gonna happen if he got caught? He says he didn’t think about it. He said he never stopped loving me ...then why do it? His answer because it was nice for someone to show they cared about you and have a conversation. Ok I understand a little but I just don’t know if he will really never cheat again or what if I will? I told him that maybe I wanted to so he can feel like I feel. He said he would be a hypocrite to say I couldn’t but would not want me too. This is so confusing. Sometimes i feel like the Selena Gomez song the heart wants what it wants even though it’s so wrong. Any advise??! Should I keep trying and take it slow or ??


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Lola, I don't think there is any rush for you, is there? YOU need to decide what is best for YOU. He may be good for R, but maybe not (there are a ton of things he should be doing for YOU on this -- search the forums or someone can post the list). Only you can really know how YOU feel about this. He may have said the correct thing today, but maybe tomorrow or next week, not so much (and yet, maybe he WILL continue on the right path). Only you can make the determination that whatever he is doing will make YOU feel comfortable in the relationship.


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

Lola416 said:


> I definitely won’t trust him again and I just feel like he makes me sick.


OK, that settles it. You need no more words.



Lola416 said:


> We are not living together but we were dating each other trying to get back what we had.


If you can never trust him again, why bother? No more words needed.



Lola416 said:


> He seemed to be trying hard but I just feel like I don’t believe him. So I’m ending my thread with this one. I am pretty sure I am going to end this marriage.


PRETTY sure? If you can't trust him again, why are you not overwhelmingly, totally, with all your soul, damned certain, that you are ALREADY three feet out the door?



Lola416 said:


> I am not looking for any relationship right now Although he ruined me I am confident that there will be someone for me out there that I can have fun with and smile again. Thanks for all your help


As long as you keep believing he's the one who ruined you, then yes, you are not ready for a relationship. Own your role and proudly declare it as a boundary, or overcome it.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Ask your husband what his plan is for when the marriage becomes "routine with no spark" again. Because it will happen, it can't be validating and exciting all the time. I'm curious what his answer will be.


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## Lifesontheup (Jun 1, 2018)

lucy999 said:


> Ask your husband what his plan is for when the marriage becomes "routine with no spark" again. Because it will happen, it can't be validating and exciting all the time. I'm curious what his answer will be.


^^^ this

My xH told me the same, he was weak, we were in a routine, he got off on someone listening to him and telling him how wonderful he was etc etc  

Marriage has its ups and downs, but doesn't give one half the go ahead to go have an affair. 

It's up to you if you give him another chance, and it is up to you how long you take to make that decision. But he's a serial cheater? Why would you waste any more effort on him? Because it's all you know? 

Well you survived before him, so you can survive after him. There is life after divorce and certainly after being with a serial cheater.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Lola416 said:


> So a little update we finished our marriage counseling yesterday and although I felt like we made progress I’m still not sure if I can live like this. I definitely won’t trust him again and I just feel like he makes me sick. We are not living together but we were dating each other trying to get back what we had. He seemed to be trying hard but I just feel like I don’t believe him. So I’m ending my thread with this one. I am pretty sure I am going to end this marriage. I am not looking for any relationship right now Although he ruined me I am confident that there will be someone for me out there that I can have fun with and smile again. Thanks for all your help


 @Lola416, you haven't ended the marriage. *He* ended the marriage, you are just signing off on his decision.


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## rv10flyer (Apr 26, 2018)

You will not ever trust completely, no matter who you are with, but especially with him. You may live with resentment for many years with him, then things may get stale, you’ll wonder if you still got it, along comes Mr. Player, and you could easily end up in that affair. How do I know? Because it happened to my wife. Think carefully, choose wisely.


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## Dawghoused (Mar 24, 2018)

Your decision of end your marriage is right if you are not able to trust him again. Because of a marriage is based on trust only.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Let his cheating ass go, stop falling for his bullcrap. His excuses for his infidelity are just that.. excuses.. and show he isn't actually taking responsibility for his own behavior. Let him go, and go find your happy.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> @Lola416, you haven't ended the marriage. *He* ended the marriage, you are just signing off on his decision.


I agree with this. And, you have every good right to "sign off" and go find yourself a decent, morally-sound, upright man to share your life with.

A person does not go from serial cheater to Godly husband overnight. I'm not saying the change is impossible, because with God, all things are possible. However, being possible, and being "quick" are not usually found together, in these situations. It takes time, surrender, help, education, good counsel, and more time.....

It is entirely possible that a decade from now, your husband may be just what you seek. It is not going to be tomorrow. The largest component of this time gets consumed while the excuses go away. As long as he excuses himself for his behavior, or blames it on someone else, or some circumstances in his life, he will not find the contrite heart needed for actual change.


I want to say this about divorces..... in order to get a divorce, you need the actions of a duly-authorized judge, lawyers, mediators, etc.
In order to end a divorce, all you have to do is to go to a pastor or JP and marry again.

If you spend time away from him, and can verify that he has "done the work", and has indeed changed, and if you are still available at that time, then you could consider remarriage.

I'm just providing information. The decision is yours.


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## Lola416 (Apr 25, 2015)

Thanks for all the advise. I do listen to it I’m not in this because I think I don’t deserve better it’s because I truly love the guy. And as sad as this situation is I do think he loves me I think he just has some issues he needs to fix. There are so many details of our relationship that is why we chose therapy. I do feel very hurt and some days I feel like it’s over but then other days I feel like we can fix this. I am trying hard for my kids


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## GHaynes (Mar 12, 2018)

I hurt so badly for you. I'm struggling with the same emotions and terrified I'm making the wrong decisions. Some days I'm sure we'll be fine, but others I feel completely hopeless. It would be so much easier to make a decision if my own feelings were consistent. I highly recommend reading The Emotionally Destructive Marriage. It's very religious but whether you're religious or not, it has good advice and really helped me to set firm boundaries with real consequences. 

If you don't mind my asking, why did you discontinued therapy if you're still feeling this way?


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## Stormguy2018 (Jul 11, 2018)

If you can't trust him, time to move on - especially when this looks like a case of "When you marry a man who fools around, you marry a man who fools around."


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