# Long time lurker, 1st time poster - dating



## pleasecoffee (Jun 18, 2015)

So I am on three different OLD sites, but keep having the same thing happen to me. Start talking to someone on the site, exchange #s and start texting. after two or three days it fizzles and they never reply back. I know some of it is that stupid guys rule website that says "give a compliment and insult at the same time", but really, the last 5 have been like that. It's starting to really rip my self esteem, that I have worked so hard to improve, down. I guess I just needed to cry on someone shoulders. now time to square these shoulders and move on. but it sucks. 36/f/divorced


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

I'm 55, live in Indiana, Divorced 4 years after a 30 year marriage (she ran off with a friend), so take this for what its worth. maybe not applicable at all. 
For me, I try to meet in person as soon as I can, someplace very safe, for a drink or a cup of coffee only, with the goal to meet and greet. You will learn more in that hour of conversation then you will in a week of texting, and that that you learn will be a lot more accurate! You will find a match or you wont, if you find a match getting them to text you after that not so much of a problem  if not you go on to the next one, but at least you know. For what its worth. Good luck in your search.


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## Morcoll (Apr 22, 2015)

Yes, texting someone you have never met can be interesting for a very short period of time. I would push for an in person meet after a few exchanges and if there is interest on both sides, and then see if there is anything there.


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## pleasecoffee (Jun 18, 2015)

the thing is they never ask, and if I ask I don't get a reply back. I usually like to wait a week of talking to ask to meet, just to get a feel.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Texting doesn't create a connection with someone you don't already know, because you have no context. You need to talk to them, and then meet them soon to see if there's mutual attraction, and if there is, you need to start deciding if you're compatible by dating.


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## Morcoll (Apr 22, 2015)

Don't take it personally and move on. Many people are on OLD and when it comes down to the actual meeting part, flake out. There are any number of reasons why but best not to even wonder, and, just move on. There is a pretty fair amount of effort involved. For guys, if you ask 100 women out, typically 10-15 will say yes. So, that is possibly hearing no (or nothing)90 times. Not fun but ok if you are comfortable in your own skin.


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## SARAHMCD (Jul 2, 2014)

When they text you, are you asking them questions? Are they answering and asking back questions? Just trying to get a feel for what you mean when you say it "fizzles" within such a short period of time.


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## pleasecoffee (Jun 18, 2015)

I have noticed I do a majority of the question asking and usually get the standard answer with "and you?" The only one I did meet in person, upset me because he didn't try. He didn't shave (5 days of grown), and wore basketball shorts and a cartoon t-shirt. Is that too much to ask that they try a little? Maybe I'm asking too much.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

How selective are you being with the men you give your number to and text with? 

For me, there are several points of potential "no" before I ever give a man my phone number. Do I like the look of him in his pictures? Do I like what he has to say in his profile? How interesting/interested does he seem when we communicate via the site's communication feature? Is he interested in at least an initial in-person meeting soon? If any of those points is a "no" then I cut off contact, he doesn't have my personal contact information (or even my full name), and neither of us have invested much time or energy. If there's a "yes" for all of those, then I will give him my name and number and we can text a bit between then and our actual face-to-face meeting. Which, unless there are extenuating circumstances, I like to arrange within the week.

I get to the actual first date meeting with about 1 in 8-10 of the men who initially contact me, and maybe 1 in 20 of the men I make initial contact with. The vast majority of initial contacts result in either nothing or a few lack-luster messages back and forth via the dating site's communications tool which eventually just sort of fizzle. It helps to have a thick skin. And to not invest too much time/energy into someone who hasn't yet indicated a desire to meet in-person.


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

When I was OLD I would usually try to have a date set up within the first week of contact. If I was interested and the guy hadn't asked me yet, I had no issue asking them to meet for drinks or coffee. 

Emailing and texting only get you so far, you never know till you meet someone in person. It does help to have a thicker skin. Not everyone you have a date with will be interested in you, don't take it personal.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

You don't mention what sites you are on.

I've given this advice many times on the board; you get what you pay for.

Hopefully at least one of your choices is a paid site.

There are a number of threads here geared to online dating and even creating a profile.

Here is my most basic dating advice. Choose to put a high value on yourself. 

If you have idiots trying to neg you in their initial 'hello' mail or text, move on.


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## frootloop (Dec 20, 2010)

Consider meetup.com as well - there are singles groups that get together, and you meet in a group with a planned activity - a much easier way to meet people than OLD, imo.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

pleasecoffee said:


> So I am on three different OLD sites, but keep having the same thing happen to me. Start talking to someone on the site, exchange #s and start texting. after two or three days it fizzles and they never reply back.* I know some of it is that stupid guys rule website that says "give a compliment and insult at the same time", but really, the last 5 have been like that.* It's starting to really rip my self esteem, that I have worked so hard to improve, down. I guess I just needed to cry on someone shoulders. now time to square these shoulders and move on. but it sucks. 36/f/divorced


Never encountered this type of trash while OLD but I was in my 40's when I was doing it, even so I am guessing these guys are at least your age or older? If so then what losers. The first sign of that sort of rubbish and I would not communicate with them again.

I agree with deejo, put a high value on yourself. Don't waste time with idiots.

ETA I had a blast OLD met some really great guys and eventually met Mr Wonderful, blissfully happy and in love. It is a numbers game, don't take it too seriously but do not lower your standards.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Online dating can be difficult to get used to. It's fast moving and if you have thin skin you can get hurt. This is both from the male and female end

Make sure your profile is spot on with Great pictures. Have a GUY friend of yours review it.
Never talk too long in text. Guys run into a lot women who have interest one day and lose it the next so if we are t moving toward a date we will be communicating with others and setting them up and lose interest in just texting. 
If you are interested in a guy try to meet up for a beer or coffee within a week talking on text. You will quickly learn that nothing is "real" until you actually meet
You refer to a website for guys rules...not sure what you are referring to there but many guys struggle with OLD same as women. Think of it as a process and an added tool for dating. Not necessarily your only source.
Take it slow and have as many first meets as you can. Always public, always safe..this gets easier in time


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## moco82 (Jul 16, 2012)

Most will fizzle out. It's akin to fishing on a bad day. You'll waste a lot of bait, time, and effort.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

moco82 said:


> Most will fizzle out. It's akin to fishing on a bad day. You'll waste a lot of bait, time, and effort.


Very true. Even IRL. 

Met a woman recently who gave me her number. I'm not really feeling like dating, but invited her to join me on a hike anyway. I do like meeting new people. 

She couldn't make the hike but added me on Facebook. Then added me to her MLM fat burning cream page and proceeded to spam me with all sorts of crap. (I'm very far from needing to burn fat)

I unjoined the FB group and she immediately pmd me about hiking. And re-added me to the FB group. 

Nope. Even if she's really interested, her social skills suck. Delete
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## moco82 (Jul 16, 2012)

First-world problems, my friend. There was a dude in another thread asking if it was a good idea to hire an escort to take his 30-plus-year-old virginity.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Its either you feast or you famine I think.. 

Luckily being a woman you hold pretty much all the cards when it comes to dating.. 

Personally to me my intent is to make a woman feel comfortable and safe to meet me and then try to do my talking in person.. I wouldn't mind texting a bit but I make it clear I'm into meeting and not being a pen pal..


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## pleasecoffee (Jun 18, 2015)

pistal said:


> That's because you get her number and you text rather than call. To most women that's a rather lame approach.
> 
> Next time you get a number, call it and talk to her.



I am a female.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

pleasecoffee said:


> So I am on three different OLD sites, but keep having the same thing happen to me. Start talking to someone on the site, exchange #s and start texting. after two or three days it fizzles and they never reply back. I know some of it is that stupid guys rule website that says "give a compliment and insult at the same time", but really, the last 5 have been like that. It's starting to really rip my self esteem, that I have worked so hard to improve, down. I guess I just needed to cry on someone shoulders. now time to square these shoulders and move on. but it sucks. 36/f/divorced



1) I think a week is too long. 3-4 for days of strong messaging then ask if they haven't. When I OLD'd that was the magic number. Too soon they get scared away, longer than that they fizzle.

2) The compliment / playful insult thing despite how stupid it is, is an attempt to build attraction so there is initial interest at least. It's a dumb game I know but most of being successful in OLD unfortunately is knowing the score. Some guys think they have to use PUA script to attract women. Just move on to the next one.

3) Have self worth and be selective. If the guy is a scrub (I mean I know its California but dressing like a bum on a date?) then walk. It's a numbers game. Eventually you'll hit big. Isn't going threw 100 bad apples worth it if you find a prince charming?

4) How's the content of the messaging? Are you interesting? Positive and Upbeat? Good attitude? Avoid controversial topics? Timely in the responses? Even slightly flirty (nothing overt)? I've talked to some boring a$$ women on OLD and it was like pulling teeth and tons of negativity. You want to have fun talking and build interest. That will give you the best chance at a meeting.

Good Luck.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

pleasecoffee said:


> I am a female.


Awkward......


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

I'm just starting to dip my toe into the dating pool again and like you, this means I'm trying out OLD, which really wasn't something I did before marriage and separation. Man. It's hard out there. I have also experienced guys with no social skills. You have my sympathy! 

I had to remind myself, dating isn't just about what this guy thinks of you, but also about YOU deciding what YOU like. So if a guy gives you a backhanded compliment, this is probably not someone you want to date anyway, right? They try and make you feel bad about yourself, worst case scenario, or are just socially inept, best case scenario. Focus on the folks who aren't like this. I got to the date stage with a couple of guys. One, it was completely clear there was no chemistry on either side. Two, was nice enough I guess, but I felt like he kept steering the conversation back to going back to his place, which felt REALLY premature on a first date. So I guess what I'm trying to say is, there will continue to be challenges throughout the process, but hang in there.

There are some negatives to OLD and one of them is the flakiness of some folks. Often, it has nothing to do with you as a person. Maybe they meet someone, maybe they get busy at work, maybe they get back together with an ex. For whatever reason, they aren't able or willing to pay you any attention. Try and remind yourself of all your positive attributes and move on to someone considerate who you have something in common with.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

joannacroc said:


> I'm just starting to dip my toe into the dating pool again and like you, this means I'm trying out OLD, which really wasn't something I did before marriage and separation. Man. It's hard out there. I have also experienced guys with no social skills. You have my sympathy!
> 
> I had to remind myself, dating isn't just about what this guy thinks of you, but also about YOU deciding what YOU like. So if a guy gives you a backhanded compliment, this is probably not someone you want to date anyway, right? They try and make you feel bad about yourself, worst case scenario, or are just socially inept, best case scenario. Focus on the folks who aren't like this. I got to the date stage with a couple of guys. One, it was completely clear there was no chemistry on either side. Two, was nice enough I guess, but I felt like he kept steering the conversation back to going back to his place, which felt REALLY premature on a first date. So I guess what I'm trying to say is, there will continue to be challenges throughout the process, but hang in there.
> 
> There are some negatives to OLD and one of them is the flakiness of some folks. Often, it has nothing to do with you as a person. Maybe they meet someone, maybe they get busy at work, maybe they get back together with an ex. For whatever reason, they aren't able or willing to pay you any attention. Try and remind yourself of all your positive attributes and move on to someone considerate who you have something in common with.


The backhanded comments is based on Pickup Artist mantra/guide or something of the sort.. It is a way to make you feel insecure about yourself and give the man the upperhand. 

Sadly OLD and texting go hand in hand.. Being 48 I came from a different time where, like you said spoke to someone on the phone.. 

The more I read about this nonsense and sh!t it makes me want to explode.. Because it just seems people don't realize it wouldn't be a numbers game if they both just expressed what they wanted without all the bullsh!t.. 

Sometimes I read people work in clerical and they are taking pictures by a TUBE Television but they post they are world travelers.. I make dam good money and haven't been to go anywhere. Granted I live in NYC and a cup of coffee can be 3 dollars sometimes.. 

Don't fall into the trap please.. I seen so many friends just resorting to hooking up.. Just many want to be in a committed relationship.. Which is crazy since I would love to have someone to be committed with.. 

Even women resort to this.. Lets not kid ourselves here.. When a women can fvck some guy with a great body no strings attached they will go for it as much as men will. But that is what happens.. They have the hot body guy.. The guy with some money.. The nice guy but not so much money.. 

End result everyone is looking for the hot body person with money that is really nice.. 

I see my single friends doing it all the time and my ExGF was in the same boat.. Always looking for better..


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