# Anyone else hanging on to seemingly non-existent hopes?



## Sakaye (Feb 15, 2011)

Just wondering if there is anyone out there like me. 
I thought I was feeling better, taking steps to move forward, so on and so forth. Then I realized I had a weird feeling everytime I had to see or contact my stbx. I honestly couldn't place that weirdness. And I guess deep down I'm hoping against hope itself, that he would come around and we could try again. 
It's so hard when you were never ready to let go, when you were newly married, have a new baby, and been separated by distance through the worse parts. It's even harder when you've spent your life guarding your heart never marrying just "anybody". When you truly feel you've found the love of your life . . . only to have him break your heart within a matter of months of being married . . . all the pain in the world feels like it sits on your shoulders. 
Yet my stupid heart won't let him go easily. I am broken, he doesn't care, and all I ever wanted was to love him. To go through life with him. We truly get along so well.
My heart is still breaking every single day. And I foolishly continue to have this hope. What good is hope when he's already fiercely decided our fate as a couple? 
Anyone feel as I do? Or am I really the only fool here?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Separated79 (May 28, 2011)

You are not alone i am too is clinging for hope...
but i guess it's part of what we are going through

I suggest that you should buy a book Broken Hearts on Hold Surviving Separation by Linda Rooks


It's a great book for anyone who is going through separation.


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## Cheesy (Aug 3, 2011)

Yeah i'm in that boat...3 months seperated and I can't seem to accept it


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## tigercat (Oct 6, 2011)

I think its just natural to feel that way. I too am hanging on to this hope that my wife will wake up one day and decide to try to make our marriage work, at least for the kids sake. We have been separated for close to a month now, and she repeatedly told me there was no chance of us ever getting back together. I don't really know the problem except for that i didn't giver her the attention i needed to. I'm not sure if she has someone else right now but it does seem like the classic scenerio. I didn't show her enough love, and someone probably put some crap in her head. Thats the only thing i could see that would make her shut down on me so fast. Anyway, even though she says NEVER and doesn't want to make it work, i still cling to hope. All this hope is giving me is more heart ache.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Sakaye...hey ...I have not been on here for months.
How are u ?So u had your baby,congrats girl!

So sorry you feel like that,it a part of the healing process.I finally got out of that zone.Worked hard on myself and succeeded...only a 4 months ago I was in such bad place and would have never believed I will move forward so fast.
I still have bad days where i miss my old life but I don't cry about it...just wake up feeling a little down...like today..may be that is why I decided to come in here.But not a big deal....I felt like that in the morning and now things are getting better...but I have not felt like that for a while...

hugs,hang in there


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## drsparkle (Aug 7, 2011)

OMG i so hear you. I am totally doing what you are doing. Still think i love a man who dumped and left for another woman. Still hoping despite no action or words to the contrary. 

It is so very ****. 
Hugs to everyone else feeling like us. x


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## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

You are NOT a fool nor is the hope that you are feeling abnormal. It's just a part of the process. That little bit of hope is a killer. It seems like it takes forever to go away.

STBXH has been gone for a year and I still sometimes have that hope. Not often, but once in a while. 

I can tell you that the longer they are gone and the more you process through this mess, your feelings will start to change. I had many months of that hope - hope that we would beat the odds; hope that he would realize how awful of a mistake he made; hope that he would come crawling back, begging on his hands and knees to tell me that I was the only one. I hoped that the old husband that I knew and loved for so long would come walking back into our lives.

Now, I know that isn't going to happen. I no longer wish for the old husband. He died, or at least his soul did. He's gone and it's nearly impossible to look that reality dead in the face.

I guess now I hope for something better in the future. I hope that I don't turn into that bitter angry person who can never get over this tremendous hurt and betrayal. I hope that I can continue to keep my dignity, intelligence and class for the sake of myself and my children. I hope that some day, I will find someone who actually cherishes me and my kids and believes that we are his version of a jackpot. 

And, I have to admit, that I hope stbxh never finds anything remotely close to what he had here. I hope that he doesn't find happiness in the wake of his destruction. I know that's mean and probably not the best way for me to go through life, but I can't see myself ever wishing him anything good.

So, I guess that's the evolution of hope that you will probably go through just like a lot of us who have walked this horrible path before you. It's normal and, unfortunately, there is no way out of it, but through it.


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## Tommo (Oct 1, 2011)

"Anyone else hanging on to seemingly non-existent hopes?"

Yeah, me. I keep thinking this mess will be over and done with tomorrow...

Fat chance, Tommo!!!


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## madaboutlove (Aug 28, 2011)

It is truly the hardest part, isn't it? Hope is based in some reality, there was love, there are so many memories, its not like it is crazy, at least for me. My hope is about H waking up and realizing what he will miss, although my friends remind me all the time that perhaps I really don't even want him back, at least not unless he takes some responsibility for himself and the changes he needs to make. I hope when he does, I am still around to see it


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## forever learning (Sep 28, 2010)

I have hope but don't know why.....she is another relationship... and with the newness and excitement that comes with it she will have that for awhile.... and by the time she realizes that the people she has surrounded herself with are using her, I am afraid it will be way to late for us...she has made me feel crazy and beat me down to where I have been physically sick...why do I still hope or care...?


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Bro the same reason I do. Even though my divorce is final I still realize what a great woman she was and who she is now is not that person. I hodld out hope but i Have let go


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## kekel1123 (Aug 17, 2011)

Hope is the only word we can cling on and Change is the only word that we can alter .... For if there is change, there is hope.... and It's up to you, with your partner and most of all to GOD!


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

dementialies said:


> Thing is I could almost accept the breakup if he told me that he just wanted to be on his own for awhile but the idea that within the space of a week he 'really likes this girl' and he thinks 'there's something there' it's more than I can cope with... It makes me sick. Who is this man? This man who just one month ago professed his undying love and affection for me? Is this a midlife crisis? Will I get my husband and my life back? Everytime I think about moving on, I get stuck on the idea of accidentally bumping into them together an I lose it all over again. I wish I knew what was going through his mind because it defys all logic and reason and NO one saw it coming least of all me...and yet I long for him to walk through the door an give him a big hug and kiss...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I am in the same boat. Two weeks ago my H told me that he had ran into his "first love" and a week later he wants a divorce. He swears it has nothing to do with this OW but I find this so hard to believe. I still have hopes that he will see the light before it is to late. I think the worst part about the whole thing is that we still live together. We even sleep in the same bed.  I see signs that the love is still there everyday, but H has a way of becoming distant again when he feels himself getting close to me. This is a very confusing time All I know is whether we make it through this together or if I go my separate way, I am a stronger person because of it...I just rather be strong with him..


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## Separated79 (May 28, 2011)

Hope is one of the best thing in life,it's the only thing that we cling on when all seems failing.
If we lose it then we will never know what it would bring to us.
As the saying goes...
As long as there's life there's hope.


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## kaydjc (Oct 18, 2011)

You are not alone. I feel the exact same way and have been separated for over a year now. I do not discuss my feeling with my estranged husband, but he knows that I do not want a divorce. We have young children too. I have no advice for you, but do want you to know you are not alone. Love is not something that you shake off like an old suit...my issue is wondering how long these feelings last. Good luck to you!


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## SugarPlum JellyBean (Oct 10, 2011)

I am so depressed hearing stories of being separated for a year or more. I though that the original plan of 6 months (long enough for a lease at an apt for him) seemed like a long time. Hell, I'm only less than 2 weeks into this and it is agony. I know I should not call or text him He has screwed up and needs to demontrate a desire to change. Also though, I keep feeling like we need to have some degree of contact just to keep in check with each other and get some idea of where we are both wanting our lives to go. I have a counseling session on Thursday. That will be basically 2 weeks to the day. I will ask the counselor if and when he thinks I should reach out to husband and attempt to establish some form of contact. Anybody else have an opinion about establishing contact after separating? If you havn't read my background, husband has been addicted to narcotics for years and I recently discovered he has been having online liasons with multiple women....which he swears never became physical. I asked him to move out.


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## silveryposter (Jul 30, 2011)

Separated79 said:


> Hope is one of the best thing in life,it's the only thing that we cling on when all seems failing.
> If we lose it then we will never know what it would bring to us.
> As the saying goes...
> As long as there's life there's hope.


I agree with one caveat. There comes a time when specific hopes can become hurtful and counterproductive. You can always have a general hope that things will turn out for the best, but at some point you may have to stop hoping that your marriage will be "fixed". I've done this morph, and it's helped.

There are still times, however, that I catch myself hoping that my W will see the light (she seems to be the only one who doesn't) and decide to work on our marriage. It hurts when those hopes are torn down. Every. Single. Time.

I've changed my hope into hoping that we can be good friends and co-parents to our children. Staying married or getting divorced doesn't matter as much as having a good relationship, so that's where I put my hope.


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## silveryposter (Jul 30, 2011)

SugarPlum JellyBean said:


> I have a counseling session on Thursday. That will be basically 2 weeks to the day. I will ask the counselor if and when he thinks I should reach out to husband and attempt to establish some form of contact. Anybody else have an opinion about establishing contact after separating?


First question, do you have any children? If so how are they factored in to the separation.

Second question, do you think if he's on his own he will work to improve himself or do you think he will allow himself to spiral downward?

I imagine you'll find out soon enough if you contact him. If he's gone for six months, there should be some specific goals/requirements during that time; for example, complete a 12-step program. Regardless of where he will fall on the improvement front, contact should be minimal, and you should NOT chase him, especially since you're the one who asked him to go. Set some boundaries on phone/text/email contact, as well as topics. Don't let him start any relationship talks, and you don't start them either. He's got to figure out his life, get himself straight, before he can deal with trying to be there for his wife. Let him do that.

Minimal contact will let him know that you're serious, but you still are interested if he sorts his life out.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

kaydjc said:


> You are not alone. I feel the exact same way and have been separated for over a year now. I do not discuss my feeling with my estranged husband, but he knows that I do not want a divorce. We have young children too. I have no advice for you, but do want you to know you are not alone. Love is not something that you shake off like an old suit...my issue is wondering how long these feelings last. Good luck to you!


Real love doesn't go away. That type of love is a choice you make to love someone no matter what they do, whether they deserve it or not. 

As far as hope goes, I still have it. As long as there is a God, ALL things are possible.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Separated79 (May 28, 2011)

silveryposter said:


> I agree with one caveat. There comes a time when specific hopes can become hurtful and counterproductive. You can always have a general hope that things will turn out for the best, but at some point you may have to stop hoping that your marriage will be "fixed". I've done this morph, and it's helped.
> 
> There are still times, however, that I catch myself hoping that my W will see the light (she seems to be the only one who doesn't) and decide to work on our marriage. It hurts when those hopes are torn down. Every. Single. Time.
> 
> I've changed my hope into hoping that we can be good friends and co-parents to our children. Staying married or getting divorced doesn't matter as much as having a good relationship, so that's where I put my hope.


In general matters of life it applies,whenever you are going through hardship or having something you want to achieve in life hope is there all the time whatever that maybe,that guides you and keeps you going co'z if we dont cling on it ,we usually gives up and you know what happen to those people who gives up in life...


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## kekel1123 (Aug 17, 2011)

QUOTE=marksaysay;455963]Real love doesn't go away. That type of love is a choice you make to love someone no matter what they do, whether they deserve it or not. 

As far as hope goes, I still have it. As long as there is a God, ALL things are possible.
_Posted via Mobile Device_[/QUOTE]



:iagree: And Change yourself for the better YOU .Dont stop BELIEVING!


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## KNIFE IN THE HEART (Oct 20, 2011)

My husband told me almost a year ago that he doesn't love me but I still have hope. I moved out in May. Just talked to him yesterday to see if there was any chance, he said nope but I still have hope. I am focussing on getting rid of this hope. Don't know how to do it but I need to because it hurts like hell!


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## madaboutlove (Aug 28, 2011)

ahhh, coming up on an anniversary, almost a year since he said he wants a divorce. I just want to get through the day, keep hoping if we get closer to the divorce date, he will realize how mus


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

Like you, its been about a year. My wife filed because I found out about her infidelity and demanded she stop. She told several family members, "We'd probably still be together if he would've let e alone". Translation: if he would've just let me commit adultery until I got tired of it, we would still be together". The mind of wayward is so warped!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JAYBLACK973 (Feb 21, 2011)

every day i say to myself today will be the day she realizes that we love and still need/want each other. every day i end up dissapointed. There are times where we click and then she just shuts down. Hope is killing me emotionally and its only 5 months into separation.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I have something better than inner peace. It's the death of hope.


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

I just removed my wedding ring  I think that I just gave up hope and it sucks...My H took his ring off two weeks ago so I guess the meaning of our wedding rings went out the window then but it still hurts to know that I have lost not only my love but my best friend...


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## StillLost (Oct 21, 2011)

Non Existent Hopes is exactly what I have 

My divorce have been final for four months now, we were married for nine years, 

She has been away for about a year now and She is already in a new relationship, and has moved in with this guy she met at work


and after all of this I still have hope that she will one day comeback, I know that it is highly unlikely, she called me today and left a message asking me did I ave her paper work, I chalked it up as a reason for her just to check on me for her own ego 

but again non existent hope yeah thats exactly where I am, but i dont want to be here anymore


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## SugarPlum JellyBean (Oct 10, 2011)

SilveryPoster, we do not have children together. I believe he will continue to spiral downward and there is no chance he will seek treatment. I appreciate the advice of minimal contact. He won't know I am serious otherwise. It can be difficult at night when I am alone and desperately want to reach out to him despite the horrible things he has done. As one wise poster told me, until the consequences of his actions outweight the benefits.......he will never change.


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

SugarPlum JellyBean said:


> SilveryPoster, we do not have children together. I believe he will continue to spiral downward and there is no chance he will seek treatment. I appreciate the advice of minimal contact. He won't know I am serious otherwise. It can be difficult at night when I am alone and desperately want to reach out to him despite the horrible things he has done. As one wise poster told me, *until the consequences of his actions outweigh the benefits.......he will never change.*


Those words are perfect. I too am finding it difficult at night. My WH and I still share a bed, but there are miles separating us at night. I am also trying to limit contact to "Hi" and "Bye" or the occasional "See Ya". It's hard but what else can I do?


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## StillLost (Oct 21, 2011)

marksaysay said:


> Like you, its been about a year. My wife filed because I found out about her infidelity and demanded she stop. She told several family members, "We'd probably still be together if he would've let e alone".
> Translation: if he would've just let me commit adultery until I got tired of it, we would still be together". The mind of wayward is so warped!!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Omg My ex said the exact same thing when I found out about her affair, she was mad at me for finding out and said if I would have just let her be with out any pressure then we would not be divorced, I asked her and said "Does that make any sense" and when ever the conversation gets down to her wrong doing she blows up and acts as if she can't handle the conversation anymore because "its too stressfull" the embarassing part is even as I'm writting all of this I still love her very much ... This is just so sad
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

StillLost said:


> I still love her very much ... This is just so sad
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Me,too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## StillLost (Oct 21, 2011)

marksaysay said:


> Me,too.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



She has been out of the house for a year we have been divorced for 4 months, she recently tried to contact me about "her paper work" a month after I told her that I can't be her friend and won't contact her .... Has your ex tried to reach out to you for anything
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

She's not my ex yet. I actually still refer to her as my wife, not my estranged or soon-to-be-ex. I still where my ring because I'm still married whether she wants to bee or acts like it. Mayne I'm crazy. IDK. 

She's tried calling , texting, and emailing but I've responded to nothing. Partly because of the bogus protective order she got but mostly because as long as she's with someone else, the best thing for me is to have absolutely no.contact with her. I've decided that I will stay in no contact either forever or until she decides she wants to put our family back together, which ever comes first. 

Emotionally, it has helped me tremendously. I passed her on my way to my 2nd job yesterday and pretty much felt sorry nothing. Don't get me wrong. If she expressed remorse and a desire to reconcile, I would do it in a minute. But right now I have to accept that's who she is right now and that I have to live my life without her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## StillLost (Oct 21, 2011)

marksaysay said:


> She's not my ex yet. I actually still refer to her as my wife, not my estranged or soon-to-be-ex. I still where my ring because I'm still married whether she wants to bee or acts like it. Mayne I'm crazy. IDK.
> 
> She's tried calling , texting, and emailing but I've responded to nothing. Partly because of the bogus protective order she got but mostly because as long as she's with someone else, the best thing for me is to have absolutely no.contact with her. I've decided that I will stay in no contact either forever or until she decides she wants to put our family back together, which ever comes first.
> 
> ...


Well from the way it looks, it sounds like you are handling things in the best possible way, I'm finding with my ex and others in similar situations that, the WAW has a warped since of reality and you can not reason with them when they are thinking like that, my ex would even go as far as to change up certain stories about us and then tell me about it like I wasn't there, so when you say your not responding I totally understand becasue it comes to a point where you have to be like "are we going to reconcile or not everything else is not worth talking about" again I think your doing right, good luck to you, I hope you don't go as far as a divorce like I did
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## justabovewater (Jun 26, 2011)

I still have hope, even though I shouldn't. He has said things like "Reconcilliation might be in the cards, but right now, no" or "I don't want to say never, but not now" or "I'd rather be friends and not fight than be married and fight all the time". Today he told me that he's opened up a checking account in his name so he's starting to get his personal finances in order. That, to me, means that he's starting to move on. Now I just need to do the same thing.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

StillLost said:


> Well from the way it looks, it sounds like you are handling things in the best possible way, I'm finding with my ex and others in similar situations that, the WAW has a warped since of reality and you can not reason with them when they are thinking like that, my ex would even go as far as to change up certain stories about us and then tell me about it like I wasn't there, so when you say your not responding I totally understand becasue it comes to a point where you have to be like "are we going to reconcile or not everything else is not worth talking about" again I think your doing right, good luck to you, I hope you don't go as far as a divorce like I did
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm not so sure a ww and waw are the same. She was waywayward before she decided to walk away. She only filed divorce because once I found out (didn't know infidelity was.relevant until a month after.delegation began) I demanded she stop and she didn't want to. 

It seems like I've gotten to a good place but it wasn't easy. It took me a while to get here. I don't know what will happen but she will either be my wife, lover, and friend or none. There is no middle ground. If she doesn't want to be all of those, she will not be a part of my life at all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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