# Need advice



## Im the bad one (husband) (Dec 22, 2011)

Hello, let me start by saying im the bad one! Ive been married 15 years, have 2 children and all the things that go with what you would think a good relationship would have. Except Ive broken the trust on multiple times and my wife just found out when I said I wanted a divorce. there are a lot of details that i could write and you would hate me more but in the end this is my question. We said we would try and work it out she know knows about everything except that I cant stop thinking about or talking to #3. We knew each other years before and we had a 3 month online and in person affair. We want to be with each other even after i ended it badly with her and she even did what she had to do to me and my wife after i hurt her. Most would say your a monster and i feel like one. I love my kids and would die for them, i love my wife because she is their mother, and I love this other woman because we just click. We broke each others heart yet we still want each other sad i know. I would stay married to my wife forever to give our kids that perfect family feeling, but it wouldnt be 100% real with me and my wife. When we talk about it and she cries and she wants to make it work , I just want to die and hate myself. Im married and im in love with another woman. Could she leave me.....yes but I cant think of not ever giving it a chance. What if she was the one for me. More detail would explain more but in the end it comes down to will she be ok and will my kids ever get over me leaving their mom (They are young under 10 but very smart).

Lost in my mind 
The souless husband!!


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## Im the bad one (husband) (Dec 22, 2011)

23 views and no advice. im right back where i was. Not sure what I would say to me either.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

In the end its gonna have be your choice. Stay married or divorce. Those are basically your choices, because I think staying married and seeing another woman is not working and its also NOT RIGHT! 

I think you will do more hurt to your family if you do not make some kind of decision. If you choose to stay with your wife you need to cut ALL ties with the other woman. Having your cake and eating it to, just doesn't work, plus its time to stop being selfish. Make a choice and move on with your life.


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## Im the bad one (husband) (Dec 22, 2011)

thanks


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## Whattodowiththis (Sep 18, 2011)

Grow up! Do you even realize how incredibly selfish you are. The best thing you can do is leave your wife so that she can one day recieve what she deserves. You can do it as amicably as possible for the kids...but you have no respect for your wife. She may hurt and cry if you leave but isnt she already? She will griw and recover and be much better without you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## scione (Jul 11, 2011)

Advice: Divorce.

There's no such thing as "The One". You choose one person and you stick with her for the rest of your life. If you can't choose one, then she should leave you for it.

Your "in love" is actually a chemical in your brain when you meet someone new. You can pick your romantic love and end up in the same place a few year later, or you can pick your wife can continue with a different future.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Just remember, this OW you feel you're in love with, if it started out on a lie, it will end on a lie. Those cheating kind of affairs rarely work out or last.


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## halfway (Dec 22, 2011)

I would be careful you have been with your wife for 15 years and have two kids. Who is to say a few months from now the new flame will end up finding someone else?

Your call just make sure you ask yourself if the only reason you spend the last 15 years with your wife, because that is a long time was because of your kids and nothing else.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

My advice is this: If you don't feel it will be "real" with your wife and have no intention of axeing the Other Woman from your life, divorce your wife. Because you are not committed to her or your marriage.

Yes, your wife and children will be fine in time. And they will be better off w/o living in a sham of a marriage. Your wife will be better off than being with someone who does not care enough to commit to her.

If you are done, divorce yourself. But do this knowing that there are no guarantees w/ the OW.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> I would stay married to my wife forever to give our kids that perfect family feeling, but it wouldnt be 100% real with me and my wife


 One thing is a fact, there is no perfect family here the fathers heart is NOT with the mother of his own children, but they reside under one roof. 

I think you need to leave your wife, becaues no woman should be or stay with a man who has his heart elsewhere, it is not fair to her, she deserves to be loved & wanted the way you want this other woman. 

Or choose to break this 3 month affair relationship and go back wholeheartily to your wife, seek counseling - to change your past behaviors, you & she need to new course in life. 

Tell us, what does this GF have that your wife does not have? Have you lost physical attraction to your wife, is it communication? what was missing from your marriage that you needed to seek other women out? 

Do you feel if you had those things within your marraige -you could curb yourself from other women? 

But doing them both..... this is a terrible example for your kids and.....they will find out !


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I think you need to leave your wife, becaues no woman should be or stay with a man who has his heart elsewhere, it is not fair to her, she deserves to be loved & wanted the way you want this other woman.


:iagree:


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

IMO, divorce your wife and dump this OW. Do not get involved with anyone for awhile. Maybe you need time to find yourself, and try to figure out what you really want in your life. Get your life together before getting into another relationship, do some soul searching as to why you had the affair to begin with. Figure out what you're searching for and why you need that void filled.


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## Im the bad one (husband) (Dec 22, 2011)

Ok, let me ask this. Does anyone truley think a marriage like ive described can be fixed. this is so huge and im torn. ive read something that has hit home. is it true once a cheater always a cheater? Could I fix this or do i owe it to my wife to walk away and ease the pain that i created. im messed up.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Im the bad one (husband) said:


> Ok, let me ask this. Does anyone truley think a marriage like ive described can be fixed. this is so huge and im torn. ive read something that has hit home. is it true once a cheater always a cheater? Could I fix this or do i owe it to my wife to walk away and ease the pain that i created. im messed up.


You need to fix yourself before your marriage can be fixed. I'm not saying its not impossible for your marriage to survive but it will take tons of work, are you ready for that? You really need to decide what you want. If you want the marriage, you need to not be in touch with this other woman, and both of you need MC ASAP, and you may benefit from IC as well.


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## Im the bad one (husband) (Dec 22, 2011)

how do i stop contacting this OW? its like i cant stop. whenshes not around my wife and i start to build, but when i think about her or something reminds me of her i screw up. i do love my wife ive given her 15 years. ive messed up, has anyone been here and fixed it?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Im the bad one (husband) said:


> Ok, let me ask this. Does anyone truley think a marriage like ive described can be fixed. .


It can if both people in the marriage are WILLING to commit to and stay in the marriage. 

This means no more affair. Ever.



Im the bad one (husband) said:


> this is so huge and im torn. ive read something that has hit home. is it true once a cheater always a cheater?


What did you read that's got you all twisted?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Im the bad one (husband) said:


> how do i stop contacting this OW? its like i cant stop.


You stop contacting her by.......stopping the contact with her.

Amazing, right?

I know, I shoul dget an award or something. ::curtsies:: 

No contact means: deleting her/blocking her from your phone, never speaking to her again ever in your entire life, no more contact at all, never ever again.

You can stop. You are just choosing not to.

Everyone has free will, baby.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Im the bad one (husband) said:


> 23 views and no advice. im right back where i was. Not sure what I would say to me either.



post this in CWI and you'll get tons of betrayed people telling you all sorts of nice things


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Im the bad one (husband) said:


> how do i stop contacting this OW? its like i cant stop. whenshes not around my wife and i start to build, but when i think about her or something reminds me of her i screw up. i do love my wife ive given her 15 years. ive messed up, has anyone been here and fixed it?


You go cold turkey. That means, you do not call her, you do not see her, no texts, no emails, nothing, zero. She out of your life so you can work on your marriage.

If you feel you can NOT do that, then present your wife with separation/divorce papers, Move out of your home and start a life with the OW who you claim to love and not be able to get out of your head.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> post this in CWI and you'll get tons of betrayed people telling you all sorts of nice things


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## Im the bad one (husband) (Dec 22, 2011)

Might sound funny but I was a good person once. Defended our freedom for 20+ years. Im a good father that could be great. I in this emotional tug o war in my head. i find reasons to say why i dont love my wife, but I do love her! Im on this site because ive cut myself off from the world because this OW destroyed me when i broke it off with her. then i went back and started the fire again, might be worse this time cause im lying to her too that i dont love my wife. ugh what a coward ive become. guess it help to be here and hear people call me what i am because my wife doesnt she treats me goo for what ive done to her.


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## Im the bad one (husband) (Dec 22, 2011)

YES! TIME TO BE A MAN AGAIN. For all the nonbelievers, ill keep you posted! 

To Trey69 and Jellybeans, in life dont ever think you cant make a difference in someones life. You just changed mine with a few words. Thank You, I know what I have to do and with who. 

Michael

"You go cold turkey. That means, you do not call her, you do not see her, no texts, no emails, nothing, zero. She out of your life so you can work on your marriage."


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Im the bad one (husband) said:


> Might sound funny but I was a good person once. Defended our freedom for 20+ years. Im a good father that could be great. I in this emotional tug o war in my head. i find reasons to say why i dont love my wife, but I do love her! Im on this site because ive cut myself off from the world because this OW destroyed me when i broke it off with her. then i went back and started the fire again, might be worse this time cause im lying to her too that i dont love my wife. ugh what a coward ive become. guess it help to be here and hear people call me what i am because my wife doesnt she treats me goo for what ive done to her.


Finding reasons why you don't love your wife is quite normal because it allows you to justify the affair in your mind...I struggle to understand why you speak of your wife in such a good light & the OW in a bad light (she destroyed you!) yet you are drawn to the OW? Why is that? Maybe more exciting? Either way, my guess (and odds are) that the excitement will wane over time & the relationship will not work out with the OW...it would be a shame for you to have lost your wife in the meantime.

Once a cheater always a cheater applies if you continue to focus on what *you *want rather than focusing on making your wife happy. If you love her, put your focus on her & making her happy...talking to the OW definitely would not be part of the plan if you think of everything you do in terms of being a great husband to your wife.


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## Im the bad one (husband) (Dec 22, 2011)

To my wife I pledge my heart and what i have left of a soul to you and you deserve to do whatever you wish with them. Ive hurt you and treated you bad. I dont deserve you but Im going to make US work if you want that too!

Guess it does help to talk even if its on a computer with strangers!!!


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Im the bad one (husband) said:


> YES! TIME TO BE A MAN AGAIN. For all the nonbelievers, ill keep you posted!
> 
> To Trey69 and Jellybeans, in life dont ever think you cant make a difference in someones life. You just changed mine with a few words. Thank You, I know what I have to do and with who.
> 
> ...


You're not a bad person, you just made some bad choices. It happens, we all have made some not so good choices in life at one point or another. The best thing to do is to learn from those bad choices and not make them again.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Hey, vent away. That is what we are here for. (Ok, some of us are here for the free martinis at The Social Spot, but who's taking notes, really?)

It's not hard to believe you are/were a "good person." Good people can make bad decisions. It's how you handle the aftermath/mess you've created that determines who YOU are.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> Hey, vent away. That is what we are here for. (Ok, some of us are here for the free martinis at The Social Spot, but who's taking notes, really?)
> 
> It's not hard to believe you are/were a "good person." Good people can make bad decisions. It's how you handle the aftermath/mess you've created that determines who YOU are.


What? Free Martini's and no one told me? :scratchhead: :lol:


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## halfway (Dec 22, 2011)

Im the bad one (husband) said:


> how do i stop contacting this OW? its like i cant stop. whenshes not around my wife and i start to build, but when i think about her or something reminds me of her i screw up. i do love my wife ive given her 15 years. ive messed up, has anyone been here and fixed it?


My best friend cheated on his wife 10 years ago they went to marriage counseling for over a year to make it work and they are happy now. That doesn't mean you will have the same luck but at the time we were all fairly young and his kids were just like 2 and 4 at the time.

Everyone's miles will vary but just be careful with the new flame, all relationships are crazy fun when they are new, mysterious and you are just getting to know the person. But like comedian Chris Rock said, you don't get to actually know the person to after a year or so at first you are just meeting their ambassador. Its especially for true on internet relationships.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

trey69 said:


> What? Free Martini's and no one told me? :scratchhead: :lol:


Hurry before they are all gone!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

halfway said:


> Everyone's miles will vary but just be careful with the new flame, all relationships are crazy fun when they are new, mysterious and you are just getting to know the person. *But like comedian Chris Rock said, you don't get to actually know the person to after a year or so at first you are just meeting their ambassador*. Its especially for true on internet relationships.


This is SO true. I firmly believe the "real" relationship does not start with someone until the lovey-dovey 'ga'ga' blinders come off. Once the "fog" of any new relationship wears off is when you get to The Real Deal.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> Hurry before they are all gone!


Excellent! :rofl:


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## WhyinSC (Dec 16, 2011)

Dude is convinced in like four posts. Little hard to believe really...


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## abumpintheroad (Dec 20, 2011)

IMO, you're not going to feel 'in love' with your wife while fantasizing about TOW. I, also, left one man for another, and I can tell you right now (after 16 yrs), that even though the grass was greener at the time, I don't feel like I have a better relationship now than I had with my ex. Each individual brings different aspects to the relationship. If you have what you call a good wife now, consider yourself lucky. What do you think your life will be like in 5 yrs with this new woman? Do you think you will stay in this 'honeymoon' phase? That's not likely, considering the fact that the 'honeymoon phase' feelings are due to chemical reactions in your 
brain. Scientifically, it is practically impossible to feel that way for very long. Good luck, I hope you make the choice you'll be happy with in 10 yrs.


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## Winrey (Dec 10, 2011)

The kind of love that lasts a lifetime is a choice. We choose to love. To be "in love" is a temporary sensation. Lots of fun with little substance. From what I've read, you don't sound prepared to do the work necessary to commit fully to your wife. If your wife was having this type of problem with other men, would you want to stay with her? It just doesn't sound like you can give your wife what she has asked for and what you promised her in your wedding vows: A faithful, commited husband who loves her.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

abumpintheroad said:


> IMO, you're not going to feel 'in love' with your wife while fantasizing about TOW. I, also, left one man for another, and I can tell you right now (after 16 yrs), that even though the grass was greener at the time, I don't feel like I have a better relationship now than I had with my ex. Each individual brings different aspects to the relationship. If you have what you call a good wife now, consider yourself lucky. What do you think your life will be like in 5 yrs with this new woman? Do you think you will stay in this 'honeymoon' phase? That's not likely, considering the fact that the 'honeymoon phase' feelings are due to chemical reactions in your
> brain. Scientifically, it is practically impossible to feel that way for very long. Good luck, I hope you make the choice you'll be happy with in 10 yrs.


Excellent post.


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## Jbear (Jan 12, 2012)

Your conflict...

You are not happy, fulfilled by your wife. You love her and are thankful for who she is and what she has done but the truth of the matter is that you seek what you personally lack outside your relationship... not an excuse shame on you but it is a fact. 


You worry about the hurt you cause your wife and children... Tell me if you remain married and stray as you have these past 15 years... at your 50th wedding anniversary you will have complied a list of 10 women... Now what effect would that cause the family that you try to keep the hurt to a minimum... 

The strife your wife feels, the failure, uncertainty, pain and loathing... a constant battle with what is going on and her own thoughts...

Your children... what example is it that you would be passing on to them. 

You try to fool yourself by saying oh they dont know or see... with your foolish thoughts of that you would be wrong, for they see! The hurt stings they try to take an ignorance is bliss approach to live and keep the peace for isnt she doing what you are... its been so long, I love him, its my fault to, for the sake of the children... 

Many things arnt worth arguing about for you know that 5 years down the road it will be forgotten... but for a persistent problem such as this that is doomed to repeat itself you have only two options and the solution is determinded not in the past.... but in the future!!!'

Drop all ties with your affairs and devote yourself as a husband, as a father... live with your self daily... resent your lacking but do what you feel is right by them...

Or

Prevent future pain to your family by admitting (if you feel you cant be devoted) that you must give up your family for the sake of your family... be selfish and hated by others who dont understand

But this isnt about what others think... it is your judgement call... your limitations or strength... About what is best for your family in the future... 

Keep your wife close and talk with her!!! and god with you!!!


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

If you were open to an affair then there were problems in your marriage. Therefore, they need addressing. sort them out & all else will follow. You will continue as a couple, closer due to having sorted out the problems, or you will decide to split & go your separate said because the problems are irrecoconcilable. THEN you are free to meet someone new. 

Only way to sort out problems is to talk, honestly & openly. Truthful to yourself and to your wife. Plenty of chat, ESPECIALLY after something like this.


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