# Wife Smoking Cigarettes is Killing Us



## roughgoofit

Hi All. First post here....

Some background - my wife and I have been together for 10 years, married for 6. When both smoked when we started dating. I was more of a "take it or leave it" smoker, not necessarily feeling the need to smoke a cigarette as soon as I woke up in the morning, and my wife - well not so much. She had/has a hardcore nicotine addiction. We agreed to quit smoking together after about 6 months to a year of dating. I was successful and she was not.

The issue has completely poisoned our entire relationship (and now marriage) at this point. We had so many arguments, broken promises, etc. leading up to a full blown haul off and slap across my face after an argument literally THE FIRST DAY of our honeymoon. I almost left her right there and got back on a plane to the US.

The quitting/not quitting had become a 100% predictable experience that we lived through for the first three years of our marriage. It would be "leave me alone I'm going to quit on such and such date", ok so I leave her alone, the day comes, she's an absolutely miserable SOB for about a day completely hating me. Literally HATING me and focusing all of her anger 100% on me, then back to smoking less than a full 24 hours later.

Through all of this toxicity, for whatever reason we managed to make it three years, and well she got pregnant. She then quit (or at least told me she did - I really can't believe what is a truth or lie), during and after the pregnancy. We then quickly had a second child (15 months after the first), and about 4 months after having the second (that she was breastfeeding BTW) I found out she was smoking again and completely hiding it from me. I lost it. I mean 1000% went ballistic. She apparently "did some research" ie maybe one google search, and made a unilateral decision that it would be acceptable to breastfeed while smoking as long as she didn't smoke immediately before nursing the baby. I gave her a choice - give up the breastfeeding or the smoking. She chose to continue the breastfeeding and give up the smoking (or so she claimed - once again I'm fairly certain that she would have lied to prevent me from knowing).

At any rate more time goes on and I find out she is smoking again, and had been for about the previous 6 months and going through ridiculously extensive lengths to hide it from me - once again I can't believe her on the timing and suspect that it has likely been going on for far longer than that. It was to the point where everyone else (friends, family, neighbors, etc.) knew except me. I lost it - both due to the smoking and the complete deception from her and EVERYONE around me. She even told our new neighbors that the smoking would cause a "divorce situation" with us, and put just about everyone we know in a horrible position of having to keep her secret and hide things from me.

Alot of things became much more clear to me as this was unfolding. Prior to me finding out about the smoking we were having a very rough go at life as she was suffering from some postpartum depression, and apparently always in a state of nicotine withdrawal whenever we were together. She is a stay at home mom - it got to the point where I woke up, got both of the kids together (dressed, fed breakfast, etc.) BEFORE I LEFT FOR WORK, and she would come down and I would leave for work straight away so we wouldn't get into an argument. Looking back it's because she hadn't had a cigarette since I got home at 5:00 the previous evening.

When I didn't know about the smoking we were constantly fighting with each other - to the point where we would get a babysitter and go our separate ways rather than doing something together. We couldn't last a day without some type of blowout argument over some stupid thing. It all makes sense now...

After two months I still have not been able to let it go. I can't seem to control myself with being angry with her and riding her like a bicycle about the smoking. I get myself all worked up and then want details from her. Q - How do you smoke while watching a 1 and 2 year old? A - I go out at naptime, etc. I have emotionally abused her at least twice during this time unable to keep my cool about it. I'm really angry that the cigarettes are more important than her marriage and family.

Then Christmas break comes. I'm home for an entire week - at this point I know about the smoking so she's not hiding it anymore. You could set your watch by this woman's nicotine button. Precisely every 1 - 1.5 hours she's running outside. Now come more questions from me - Q - I know you aren't just going out at naptime, how are you watching the kids when you go out and smoke? A - They are at the kitchen table doing crafts. Q - That's alot of craft time during the day it doesn't add up please tell me the truth. A - I AM TELLING YOU THE TRUTH, followed by an incredibly explosive argument in front of our two little boys.

She then says "just leave me alone I'm working on a plan and will be quitting on the 2nd", along with starting a diet and exercise program. I leave her alone for the rest of the break and she starts with the program on the morning of the 2nd and then she's the angry one directing all of her anger 100% at me. That day goes on with her acting the same way. Fast forward to the 3rd - I come home from work and she admits that she was not able to quit. Now I want details - I start asking all the questions, when, how, etc. Turns out as soon as we dropped of our son of at pre-school, she brought me home so I could go to work and went straight to the store with our other son in the car to buy a pack of smokes (and apparently left him in the car when she walked into the store). She calmly tells me not to give up on her and that she needs another 48 hours to "get her **** together" and give it another shot.

I kept it pretty cool in the beginning but then when I started to peel back the onion about the how, etc (plus with leaving my son in the car) I get really pissed off and unloaded on her again. I planned to find her cigarettes and destroy them so she would be stuck at home on this "snow day" with our two kids and our two nephews and no cigarettes. I know this isn't going to make her quit but it would really piss her off for sure. I couldn't find them unfortunately.

Now we are stuck in this horrible loop again of me hating her for smoking, her hating me for the way I am acting, and no end in sight for either of this. There is no way she is going to quit in 48 hours I have been down this road WAAAAYYY too many times. She's not going to quit and I know it.

Basically I'm having some issues keeping myself under control about this whole thing and I'm looking for advice on how to get over it and for the time being just accept that she's going to continue to smoke and not stop. It's not something I'm willing to accept long term, but I would like to stay together a few more years for our kids.

Thanks!


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## MJJEAN

What methods has she tried using to break her addiction? Medication? Therapy? Vaping or alternate low level nicotine supplement? Anything other than "cold turkey"?

Also, does she know this isn't something you're willing to tolerate long term and that you're staying in the marriage for the kids, but think you may be leaving in a few more years?


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## Yeswecan

This will be the best $1.99 you will ever spend. My W and I who smoked well over 25 year read this book and quit. My W got have way through the book and was done with smoking. I read the entire book and quit immediately. The author reverse engineers you mind to smoking. Get it. You will not be sorry. 

https://www.barnesandnoble.com/p/al...MI3sK29Ou-2AIVW4GzCh1I5wN6EAYYBCABEgJthPD_BwE


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## NextTimeAround

you could report her to the Child Protection Services.


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## Yag-Kosha

I have this wall at home. It's a white wall. Just ordinary white.

I've stared at it each day for 2-3 hours for the last 30ish or so years. I stare and hope the color changes to orange. One day it will change. Just need to stare at it long enough.


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## roughgoofit

MJJEAN said:


> What methods has she tried using to break her addiction? Medication? Therapy? Vaping or alternate low level nicotine supplement? Anything other than "cold turkey"?
> 
> Also, does she know this isn't something you're willing to tolerate long term and that you're staying in the marriage for the kids, but think you may be leaving in a few more years?


First point:
It's gotten to the point that we cannot even have a conversation about her quitting. She wants to be left alone and "do it herself".

Second point:
She is 100% aware that I am not going to tolerate this long term. I'll need to make a decision within the next two years to avoid draconian levels and years of alimony after the 10 year mark.


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## roughgoofit

Yag-Kosha said:


> I have this wall at home. It's a white wall. Just ordinary white.
> 
> I've stared at it each day for 2-3 hours for the last 30ish or so years. I stare and hope the color changes to orange. One day it will change. Just need to stare at it long enough.


Thanks troll. That's really helpful. Why don't you go back to your padded room.


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## roughgoofit

NextTimeAround said:


> you could report her to the Child Protection Services.


And that would do what? She's not abusing our kids just not completely supervising them for 10 minutes at a clip.


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## Yeswecan

roughgoofit said:


> First point:
> It's gotten to the point that we cannot even have a conversation about her quitting. She wants to be left alone and "do it herself".


Then she does it alone, outside, in her car, garage. Not in the house. If she does not comply then move out. At this juncture you are attempting to save a marriage over smoking issues. There is enough information concerning health issues with second hand smoke. Do you want those issues? I sure the hell would not. If your W can not help herself, help yourself(kids) by moving out.


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## roughgoofit

Yeswecan said:


> This will be the best $1.99 you will ever spend. My W and I who smoked well over 25 year read this book and quit. My W got have way through the book and was done with smoking. I read the entire book and quit immediately. The author reverse engineers you mind to smoking. Get it. You will not be sorry.



Thank you! I appreciate the helpful post. I purchased this book for her quite a long time ago, and she also went to the Allen Carr seminar. I can't recall if it worked at the time but she threw it in the trash about two years ago when we moved and said she didn't need it anymore.

I feel like I have gone through all of this before, and it's now back again. At this point I'm not looking to help her quit (other than being supportive), but control my anger toward her about the smoking.


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## Yeswecan

roughgoofit said:


> Thank you! I appreciate the helpful post. I purchased this book for her quite a long time ago, and she also went to the Allen Carr seminar. I can't recall if it worked at the time but she threw it in the trash about two years ago when we moved and said she didn't need it anymore.
> 
> I feel like I have gone through all of this before, and it's now back again. At this point I'm not looking to help her quit (other than being supportive), but control my anger toward her about the smoking.


She needs a refresher course. Get the book again. Second:


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## NextTimeAround

roughgoofit said:


> And that would do what? She's not abusing our kids just not completely supervising them for 10 minutes at a clip.


There are some places where smoking around children is considered endangerment.


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## Yeswecan

Does your W let the kids ride in the car without seat belts? Probably not because your W knows this is unsafe. Why can't your W see second hand smoke is unsafe?


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## Yeswecan

NextTimeAround said:


> There are some places where smoking around children is considered endangerment.


In cars. Some states have laws concerning smoking in cars that have children riding along.


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## GuyInColorado

Is she hot? Oh who cares, replace her! 

Doesn't sound like a great marriage. Leave her.


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## NextTimeAround

I know that in the UK that you can't smoke in your own home when other people work there: housekeeper, plumber, so on.... as well as when there are children present.


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## EleGirl

@roughgoofit

I'm a non-smoker. When I was 50 years old I stupidly married a smoker. He agreed to only smoke outside and that he would seek help to quit. Well that lasted for about 2 years. Then he started to smoke inside. His 2 children lived with us as did my son. I was not happy about his smoking in the house, around me and the kids.

One Christmas, about 3 years after he started to smoke in the house, I bought him an e-cigarette. He switched to the e-cig. He was able to slowly cut down on the nicotine level and eventually get off that too. He cannot use the patches since he get a terrible rash with them. He only smoked the e-cig outside or in his office which is not connected to the house. I know a lot of people who used an e-cig to stop smoking.

So my suggestion is that you get your wife an e-cig. She can buy the fluid at different levels nicotine.. starts high and slowly cuts down on it.

And then you need to back off. What you have been doing, your anger, yelling at her, etc. is not helping. If anything it's driving her into a corner. Your anger is at least as destructive to your relationship as her smoking is. For one thing, it's hurting your children. Sure, her smoking hurts them if she is doing it around them. But the constant anger and fighting is harming your children as well.


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## roughgoofit

GuyInColorado said:


> Is she hot? Oh who cares, replace her!
> 
> Doesn't sound like a great marriage. Leave her.


I still find her attractive. It's not a great marriage but we will lose just about everything we have and our kids will never have the life we can give them now and we will both be destroyed financially.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

As someone who grew up in a small house with two chain smokers, personally, I would call it abuse and endangerment. There's no way to know for sure, but I have developed respiratory problems in adulthood that are most likely traceable to 18 years of sucking in huge amounts of second hand smoke.


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## EleGirl

roughgoofit said:


> Thanks troll. That's really helpful. Why don't you go back to your padded room.


Ok, this kind of post is unacceptable on TAM. The guy was clearly making a point via sarcasm. If you want to continue to post on TAM, you will need to put away your anger. Another post like this and you will find yourself with a time-out ban. I'm giving you a warning because you are a new poster.

His point is that you can only change yourself. You have zero control over changing your wife so give up on that.



Here is a link to the forum posting rules. *http://talkaboutmarriage.com/forum-guidelines/350914-posting-guidelines-forum-rules-2018-a.html*


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## roughgoofit

EleGirl said:


> @roughgoofit
> 
> I'm a non-smoker. When I was 50 years old I stupidly married a smoker. He agreed to only smoke outside and that he would seek help to quit. Well that lasted for about 2 years. Then he started to smoke inside. His 2 children lived with us as did my son. I was not happy about his smoking in the house, around me and the kids.
> 
> One Christmas, about 3 years after he started to smoke in the house, I bought him an e-cigarette. He switched to the e-cig. He was able to slowly cut down on the nicotine level and eventually get off that too. He cannot use the patches since he get a terrible rash with them. He only smoked the e-cig outside or in his office which is not connected to the house. I know a lot of people who used an e-cig to stop smoking.
> 
> So my suggestion is that you get your wife an e-cig. She can buy the fluid at different levels nicotine.. starts high and slowly cuts down on it.
> 
> And then you need to back off. What you have been doing, your anger, yelling at her, etc. is not helping. If anything it's driving her into a corner. Your anger is at least as destructive to your relationship as her smoking is. For one thing, it's hurting your children. Sure, her smoking hurts them if she is doing it around them. But the constant anger and fighting is harming your children as well.


I can guarantee that I would never make the mistake of marrying someone that EVER smoked again.

That being said - I 100% agree with the e-cig, and I honestly think that her smoking that wouldn't even bother me. On several occasions I suggested this to her. She claimed they were too expensive $50 to get started. I said ok so you just bought a pack of smokes instead?

After this last failed 12 hour attempt to quit I brought it up again and said look, please try the e-cig, I'm ok with it. Now we are in this "I need 48 hours to try again", I pleaded with her that if she failed again to try the e-cig.

I think she enjoys actually smoking the cigarettes. Until she decides she doesn't enjoy it anymore she's not going to stop or switch to the e-cigs.

I agree that me badgering her about it is having the opposite effect. I'm trying to figure out how to control myself.

PSA - She does not smoke in the house or near the kids, so that's good.


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## Yeswecan

roughgoofit;18885449
I think she enjoys actually smoking the cigarettes. Until she decides she doesn't enjoy it anymore she's not going to stop or switch to the e-cigs.
[/QUOTE said:


> Sadly, this is the truth. People only change when they are damn good and ready to change. Glad she does not smoke in the house or around the kids. You can beg and plead she stop slowing killing herself but it is ultimately up to your W to make that conscientious choice.


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## EleGirl

roughgoofit said:


> I can guarantee that I would never make the mistake of marrying someone that EVER smoked again.
> 
> That being said - I 100% agree with the e-cig, and I honestly think that her smoking that wouldn't even bother me. On several occasions I suggested this to her. She claimed they were too expensive $50 to get started. I said ok so you just bought a pack of smokes instead?.


How many cigarettes does she smoke a day?

The long-term cost of an e-cig is a fraction of smoking cigarettes. The initial purchase is probably more than $50. But the cost of the liquid and replacing parts every so often is about 25% of smoking cigarettes. I figured it out once and it was a significant decrease in cost. 

Why not just buy her one and give it to her as gift. Tell her you got it for her because you love her and want her to stay healthy. Leave out the anger nonsense.



roughgoofit said:


> After this last failed 12 hour attempt to quit I brought it up again and said look, please try the e-cig, I'm ok with it. Now we are in this "I need 48 hours to try again", I pleaded with her that if she failed again to try the e-cig.
> 
> I think she enjoys actually smoking the cigarettes. Until she decides she doesn't enjoy it anymore she's not going to stop or switch to the e-cigs.
> 
> I agree that me badgering her about it is having the opposite effect. I'm trying to figure out how to control myself.


She might find that she enjoys smoking an e-cig just as much. Most people I know who have used them seem to enjoy them more than cigarettes. Just get her one.



roughgoofit said:


> PSA - She does not smoke in the house or near the kids, so that's good.


Yes, that's good. 

You seem to not want to divorce. So find a way to drop your anger. let her know that as long as she is not smoking in the house or around the children you are ok with her dealing with the smoking on her own time table. But you bought her an e-cig to try because you think it will help. You are ok if she does no use it but hope she will give it a try.

Then back off with your anger. Get the two of you into counseling to deal with the problems in your marriage and your anger... let her struggle with nicotine addiction go.


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## roughgoofit

EleGirl said:


> How many cigarettes does she smoke a day?
> 
> The long-term cost of an e-cig is a fraction of smoking cigarettes. The initial purchase is probably more than $50. But the cost of the liquid and replacing parts every so often is about 25% of smoking cigarettes. I figured it out once and it was a significant decrease in cost.
> 
> Why not just buy her one and give it to her as gift. Tell her you got it for her because you love her and want her to stay healthy. Leave out the anger nonsense.
> 
> 
> She might find that she enjoys smoking an e-cig just as much. Most people I know who have used them seem to enjoy them more than cigarettes. Just get her one.
> 
> 
> 
> Yes, that's good.
> 
> You seem to not want to divorce. So find a way to drop your anger. let her know that as long as she is not smoking in the house or around the children you are ok with her dealing with the smoking on her own time table. But you bought her an e-cig to try because you think it will help. You are ok if she does no use it but hope she will give it a try.
> 
> Then back off with your anger. Get the two of you into counseling to deal with the problems in your marriage and your anger... let her struggle with nicotine addiction go.


I have no idea how many cigarettes she smokes. My guess would be 10-20 per day.

The problem with me giving her an e-cig is that she is going to tell me to stay out of her issues and that she wants to figure it out on her own. I wasn't joking - we seriously poisoned our dating and marriage with this issue so bad in the past that neither of us can even have a discussion about it.

The issue is that I'm completely burned out with this and I just don't have the tolerance to deal with her addiction on her timetable. She literally had 10 years to figure it out and still hasn't managed to.

I generally do not have anger issues, it's this single particular problem that sends me to the moon. We have a marriage counselor that we used to go to. When this issue came up she refused to go, and I went to about three sessions to work on my anger about the problem. It helped a little but I can't seem to turn off the switch.

She's on and on about how the marriage is doomed and at this point refuses to go to counseling, but at the same time does not want a divorce.


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## EleGirl

roughgoofit said:


> I have no idea how many cigarettes she smokes. My guess would be 10-20 per day.
> 
> The problem with me giving her an e-cig is that she is going to tell me to stay out of her issues and that she wants to figure it out on her own. I wasn't joking - we seriously poisoned our dating and marriage with this issue so bad in the past that neither of us can even have a discussion about it.
> 
> The issue is that I'm completely burned out with this and I just don't have the tolerance to deal with her addiction on her timetable. She literally had 10 years to figure it out and still hasn't managed to.
> 
> I generally do not have anger issues, it's this single particular problem that sends me to the moon. We have a marriage counselor that we used to go to. When this issue came up she refused to go, and I went to about three sessions to work on my anger about the problem. It helped a little but I can't seem to turn off the switch.
> 
> She's on and on about how the marriage is doomed and at this point refuses to go to counseling, but at the same time does not want a divorce.


Sure you are burnt out dealing with her smoking. That's because you have tried to own her smoking for years. You are in the wrong her. You cannot change her. You have to let go your need to control her. That's what this is really about.

Maybe you have causes such a problem that you cannot even buy her an e-cig as a gift. I still think you should. But that's up to you of course.

Maybe what you need to talk about here is how you let go of this anger and get back being her husband, not her controller.


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## Middle of Everything

EleGirl said:


> Sure you are burnt out dealing with her smoking. That's because you have tried to own her smoking for years. You are in the wrong her. You cannot change her. You have to let go your need to control her. That's what this is really about.
> 
> Maybe you have causes such a problem that you cannot even buy her an e-cig as a gift. I still think you should. But that's up to you of course.
> 
> Maybe what you need to talk about here is how you let go of this anger and get back being her husband, not her controller.


Part of me agrees with you here Ele and sees the wisdom in what you are saying. And the other part says, wtf? A need to control someone and in the wrong because one doesnt want their spouse to be a smoker?


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## toblerone

I took up smoking in my late 20's and easily became a pack + a day smoker. I could chain smoke like nobody's business.

My wife married me despite her being a non-smoker, and wanted me to quit.

I quit smoking once we were going to conceive our child.

Holy ****ing **** I can't tell you how much I miss smoking and I still like the smell of cigarette smoke but I absolutely will not put my child at risk for that and it took me almost a year to recover from being a smoker (coughing, lung stuff).


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## roughgoofit

EleGirl said:


> Sure you are burnt out dealing with her smoking. That's because you have tried to own her smoking for years. You are in the wrong her. You cannot change her. You have to let go your need to control her. That's what this is really about.
> 
> Maybe you have causes such a problem that you cannot even buy her an e-cig as a gift. I still think you should. But that's up to you of course.
> 
> Maybe what you need to talk about here is how you let go of this anger and get back being her husband, not her controller.


Honestly it was/is both of us causing the problem. I do not control any aspect of her life other than us fighting about the smoking. She comes and goes as she pleases, goes out to the bars with her friends, leaves me with the kids alot on the weekends and evenings - spends whatever moneys she wants, etc. 

She knows it's a dealbreaker for me, and I feel like she is and has chosen her addiction over her husband and family. How do I let go when every single time she goes outside I feel like she is choosing the cigarettes over me and her family? I'm not ok with her smoking, and never will be. So how do I let it go and not get angry about it? How do I stop thinking about finding a different life partner without this issue? These are all questions I'm trying to figure out.


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## roughgoofit

Middle of Everything said:


> Part of me agrees with you here Ele and sees the wisdom in what you are saying. And the other part says, wtf? A need to control someone and in the wrong because one doesnt want their spouse to be a smoker?


I agree with Ele's advice but I simply can't flip the switch and not get angry about my asthmatic wife puffing away in the backyard with her inhaler in her purse.

I think part of my frustration is that I feel stuck. I don't want to be with a smoker, period, however if I leave and find someone else I'll completely destroy my family and not be able to see my kids every single day. We have a gorgeous house, community, travel trailer, boat, toys, etc to raise our family with all of it would pretty much be gone.


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## roughgoofit

toblerone said:


> I took up smoking in my late 20's and easily became a pack + a day smoker. I could chain smoke like nobody's business.
> 
> My wife married me despite her being a non-smoker, and wanted me to quit.
> 
> I quit smoking once we were going to conceive our child.
> 
> Holy ****ing **** I can't tell you how much I miss smoking and I still like the smell of cigarette smoke but I absolutely will not put my child at risk for that and it took me almost a year to recover from being a smoker (coughing, lung stuff).


Congrats toblerone! Please keep with it. Best thing you can do for yourself and your family. I used to miss it also, but after about 5 years it no longer smelled good and now I feel bad for people huddled outside in zero degree weather getting their fix.


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## EleGirl

Middle of Everything said:


> Part of me agrees with you here Ele and sees the wisdom in what you are saying. And the other part says, wtf? A need to control someone and in the wrong because one doesnt want their spouse to be a smoker?


If I had my way, no one in the world would be a smoker. But the fact is that no one can control another person' smoking. Have been through something similar, I know how true this is. 

Being angry about the smoking does nothing but get him upset and pushes her into fighting being controlled.

Who does his anger help? Does it help him? Nope. Does it help his kids? Nope. Does it help his wife? Nope.

The only adult person any of us has any control over is our self. So he may as well focus on what's good for him and his children. His anger is not helping either him or his children.

His wife is not smoking in the house or around the children. So that's good. She is not harming him or the children. She's only really harming herself.

What good does him hanging onto his anger do?


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## EleGirl

roughgoofit said:


> Honestly it was/is both of us causing the problem. I do not control any aspect of her life other than us fighting about the smoking. She comes and goes as she pleases, goes out to the bars with her friends, leaves me with the kids alot on the weekends and evenings - spends whatever moneys she wants, etc.
> 
> She knows it's a dealbreaker for me, and I feel like she is and has chosen her addiction over her husband and family. How do I let go when every single time she goes outside I feel like she is choosing the cigarettes over me and her family? I'm not ok with her smoking, and never will be. So how do I let it go and not get angry about it? How do I stop thinking about finding a different life partner without this issue? These are all questions I'm trying to figure out.


I understand the above.

Tell me, what good does your anger do?


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## EleGirl

roughgoofit said:


> I agree with Ele's advice but I simply can't flip the switch and not get angry about my asthmatic wife puffing away in the backyard with her inhaler in her purse.
> 
> I think part of my frustration is that I feel stuck. I don't want to be with a smoker, period, however if I leave and find someone else I'll completely destroy my family and not be able to see my kids every single day. We have a gorgeous house, community, travel trailer, boat, toys, etc to raise our family with all of it would pretty much be gone.


If you don't want to be with a smoker, then divorce her. 

But you said that neither of you can afford to divorce so you have to stay together. 

Yes you can flip the switch and stop being angry. You have 100% control over how you react to everything in your life. 

To be honest, a more appropriate response might be some sorrow that she is so addicted to nicotine that she has not been able to stop smoking.


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## veganmermaid

Middle of Everything said:


> Part of me agrees with you here Ele and sees the wisdom in what you are saying. And the other part says, wtf? A need to control someone and in the wrong because one doesnt want their spouse to be a smoker?




It’s about autonomy. It’s her body: she can make whatever choice she wants. To me, this is kind of a basic human rights thing. No one owes anyone else anything when it comes to their body. We don’t owe society the pursuit of health, for example. Every body has a body and they get to do what they want with it. Of course, others can have their own boundaries, like not marrying a smoker. 

I’m having a hard time understanding, though. If smoking was/is a dealbreaker, why did you get married to and have kids with a smoker???? My dad didn’t propose to my mom until she quit smoking, because he had the same dealbreaker / boundary. 

And, OP, if you smoked >5 years ago....were you a smoker when you two got together?


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## roughgoofit

EleGirl said:


> I understand the above.
> 
> Tell me, what good does your anger do?


It doesn't do any good - I'm aware of this. But I can't turn the switch off.

I'll give it a shot - will pick up an e-cig on the way home tonight. I would like to ask her to use it when I'm around and smoke cigarettes when I'm not but will refrain due to her taking it as my attempt to "control" her smoking. If she uses it great, if not so be it.


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## Middle of Everything

EleGirl said:


> If I had my way, no one in the world would be a smoker. But the fact is that no one can control another person' smoking. Have been through something similar, I know how true this is.
> 
> Being angry about the smoking does nothing but get him upset and pushes her into fighting being controlled.
> 
> Who does his anger help? Does it help him? Nope. Does it help his kids? Nope. Does it help his wife? Nope.
> 
> The only adult person any of us has any control over is our self. So he may as well focus on what's good for him and his children. His anger is not helping either him or his children.
> 
> His wife is not smoking in the house or around the children. So that's good. She is not harming him or the children. She's only really harming herself.
> 
> What good does him hanging onto his anger do?


I know. Its just that it makes it evident that it VERY quickly boils down to leave them or tolerate it.

I guess the anger just seems valid as it strikes me a similar to drinking or gambling. No one can control another persons alcoholism or gambling addiction either. But legit reasons to be pissed as holy hell at someone. Ultimately I guess the same is true here as well that anger wouldnt help in those situations either. It comes down to **** or get off the pot (live with it or leave them) I guess.

Only thing I somewhat disagree with is that she is only harming herself. When she potentially dies of lung cancer that is hurting her family.


----------



## Satya

roughgoofit said:


> She knows it's a dealbreaker for me... .


It's not a deal breaker. You're still married to her.

If it was a deal breaker, you would have left ages ago.

My point is, you are showing her that you do not follow your own words. You won't leave her, so why would she change her behavior? You won't divorce her, so she doesn't have to face the reality of possibly being a part time parent. At the present, she has nothing to lose.


----------



## roughgoofit

veganmermaid said:


> It’s about autonomy. It’s her body: she can make whatever choice she wants. To me, this is kind of a basic human rights thing. No one owes anyone else anything when it comes to their body. We don’t owe society the pursuit of health, for example. Every body has a body and they get to do what they want with it. Of course, others can have their own boundaries, like not marrying a smoker.
> 
> I’m having a hard time understanding, though. If smoking was/is a dealbreaker, why did you get married to and have kids with a smoker???? My dad didn’t propose to my mom until she quit smoking, because he had the same dealbreaker / boundary.
> 
> And, OP, if you smoked >5 years ago....were you a smoker when you two got together?


I agree - her body, her choice. However the flip side to this (which is sort of my argument) is her marriage, her family, her choice.

I was a bit naive to the whole addiction process and married her on the promise of quitting as soon as the stress of the wedding was over. Boy did I learn a few things.

In the beginning of the post yes when we met over 10 years ago we were both smokers. I kicked it and she didn't, that's about when the problems started.


----------



## roughgoofit

Satya said:


> It's not a deal breaker. You're still married to her.
> 
> If it was a deal breaker, you would have left ages ago.
> 
> My point is, you are showing her that you do not follow your own words. You won't leave her, so why would she change her behavior? You won't divorce her, so she doesn't have to face the reality of possibly being a part time parent. At the present, she has nothing to lose.


Fair point, and I probably should have a long time ago. But now we have two wonderful children and together will be able to provide them with a life far beyond what both experienced growing up. If we seperate it's all gone - kids will be in daycare, she will be working full time, house will be sold, and joint custody and all the issues that come along with that.


----------



## MJJEAN

I am currently fighting the nicotine war. My husband quit over a year ago. I quit smoking cigarettes, but I bought a vape device (Kangertech TopBox mini), learned how to mix my own nicotine juice to vape in it, and have seriously cut the expense of my addiction, but I haven't been able to quit for longer than 6 months at a time. My husband isn't fond of my vaping habit, it annoyed and angered him, but he decided to let it go because he loves me and his end game is to remain married until death do us part. 

I told DH about your thread and asked him if he could help by offering some advice. He says that he just decided to let go of the anger because he realized he could either hold on to me or hold on to the anger at my addiction, but not both. 

Are you in love with your wife? Do you want to be married to her, as is, until death parts you? What is your end game?


----------



## roughgoofit

MJJEAN said:


> I am currently fighting the nicotine war. My husband quit over a year ago. I quit smoking cigarettes, but I bought a vape device (Kangertech TopBox mini), learned how to mix my own nicotine juice to vape in it, and have seriously cut the expense of my addiction, but I haven't been able to quit for longer than 6 months at a time. My husband isn't fond of my vaping habit, it annoyed and angered him, but he decided to let it go because he loves me and his end game is to remain married until death do us part.
> 
> I told DH about your thread and asked him if he could help by offering some advice. He says that he just decided to let go of the anger because he realized he could either hold on to me or hold on to the anger at my addiction, but not both.
> 
> Are you in love with your wife? Do you want to be married to her, as is, until death parts you? What is your end game?


MMJEAN - thank you very much for the response! I do love my wife, and do want to be married to her. BUT I'm not willing to put up with the addiction. I'm a young, active 37 and want to be with someone who can hang with me later in life. I watched two of my grandfathers die horrible deaths from smoking (lung cancer, COPD/CHF) and go from strong vibrant men, to well, you know...

That being said I'm going to do my best to deal with it for now with the hope that she will stop, and if it doesn't go away I will have a very tough decision to make as I'm not willing to be with a smoker "until death does us part". She already has bad asthma and has been hospitalized in the past due to complications from smoking... I'm going to get her a e-cig with no strings attached, and see if that changes anything.


----------



## MJJEAN

roughgoofit said:


> MMJEAN - thank you very much for the response! I do love my wife, and do want to be married to her. BUT I'm not willing to put up with the addiction. I'm a young, active 37 and want to be with someone who can hang with me later in life. I watched two of my grandfathers die horrible deaths from smoking (lung cancer, COPD/CHF) and go from strong vibrant men, to well, you know...
> 
> That being said I'm going to do my best to deal with it for now with the hope that she will stop, and if it doesn't go away I will have a very tough decision to make as I'm not willing to be with a smoker "until death does us part". She already has bad asthma and has been hospitalized in the past due to complications from smoking... I'm going to get her a e-cig with no strings attached, and see if that changes anything.


Methods I tried to quit:

Cold Turkey: I spent about 4 days being a total C U Next Tuesday. Moody, restless, angry, sobbing uncontrollably...you name it. Then I spent another 2 weeks after the physical withdrawls passed fighting the psychological withdrawls. A few months later, I socially "smoked just one to relax" and was right back at square 1.

Tapering off: This would have worked had i the self discipline to stick to it, but the minute I got stressed I would smoke an extra cigarette or two cuz reasons and then quickly found myself smoking as usual.

Medication: Wellbutrin. Horrid side effects. I think it would have mentally helped me kick the habit, but the physical side effects I experienced were ridiculous and actually worse than withdrawls by far.

E-Cigarette: The closest I came, but I wasn't satisfied with the el cheapo ones available at the local smoke shops and gas stations. My father and Aunt have had much better success with them, though. 

Vaping: I educated myself on the chemicals in pre-made e-liquids (AKA juice) and their dangers. I decided my safest bet was to make my own, so I do. I use no flavoring, because the flavors are where the questionable chemicals come into play. (Diketones... https://vapecraftinc.com/blog/what-you-need-to-know-about-diketones-and-e-liquid-ingredients/ )

IMO, an e-cigarette is a good way to taper down and quit, but the safest way to do it is to either buy only juices or cartridges that are diketone free or learn to make your own if you're looking at long term use.

So, where I am at now is I am breathing much better, exposing myself to far fewer chemicals than cigarettes contain and even less than many premade juices contain, do not smell like cigarette smoke, and actually hate the smell and taste of cigarettes. However, I am still addicted to nicotine, though I can go longer without a fix before I get antsy. It's better than smoking, but not as good as nicotine free. It's a good compromise..for now. I have been working on vaping less and less in hopes I will abandon the habit altogether.


----------



## chillymorn69

You can't force someone to give up any addiction they have to decide to do it themselves.

Tell her you wish she was strong enough to quit. Suport her efforts and love her anyways. Maybe someday she will quit.

Acting the way you are is just as harmfull to everybody around you as her smoking is including the stress you having with this situation.

Get her the book and loving suport her to try to quit or pull the plug.

Sorry to say you sound horrible. Vandictive,and down right mean!

Hope you can get past this!


----------



## Satya

roughgoofit said:


> Fair point, and I probably should have a long time ago. But now we have two wonderful children and together will be able to provide them with a life far beyond what both experienced growing up. *If we seperate it's all gone - kids will be in daycare, she will be working full time, house will be sold, and joint custody and all the issues that come along with that.*


While I understand where you're coming from, which is a place of concern for your kids, consider what they're learning by being with a.) parents who argue frequently about very fundamental differences in regard to health/longevity and b.) parents who demonstrate that THIS kind of discord is normal for marriage. Your kids have a very good chance of repeating the situation you find yourself in. Is that what you'd want for them? 

Your kids learn from everything you both do and do not do. That includes the ability to learn that parents can still be separate and loving, and sometimes even happier apart than they were when together. 

I don't automatically condone divorce or jump to push it, but it's clear that when one spouse is most definitely not going to change that the other has to make the tough decisions and effect change. 

If you don't want your wife smoking anymore then you have to be ready to LEAVE HER over it. The threats are many and empty. Action has to be behind them. 

Otherwise, accept her smoking as part of who she is and will likely always be, and change yourself and your perceptions to accept it. From your posting, I think that this solution is not at all what you want. You're looking for either some kind of middle ground or for her to magically "get it" and choose you over her addiction. She's clearly incapable of that, as history has demonstrated.


----------



## Cletus

roughgoofit said:


> It doesn't do any good - I'm aware of this. But I can't turn the switch off.


Your inability to modify your own behavior should give you some empathy for your wife.

Not so easy, is it? It sounds like she is being as considerate as can be expected as far as smokers go.


----------



## EleGirl

roughgoofit said:


> It doesn't do any good - I'm aware of this. But I can't turn the switch off.


Yep, the anger does no good. And yes you can turn off the switch and learn to look at it differently. You have 100% control over your anger and emotions in this. Since you don't know how to do this on your own, perhaps you would benefit from some individual counseling. 



roughgoofit said:


> I'll give it a shot - will pick up an e-cig on the way home tonight. I would like to ask her to use it when I'm around and smoke cigarettes when I'm not but will refrain due to her taking it as my attempt to "control" her smoking. If she uses it great, if not so be it.


I hope she tries it.

You can set your boundaries. For example, if she starts to light up a cigarette around you, tell her that you are no ok with it because of 2nd hand smoke issues. But that you would ok with her using the e-cig around you. You have the right to not have someone smoke around you. So this is a good boundary. But make sure you do not express this in anger.


----------



## Middle of Everything

Cletus said:


> Your inability to modify your own behavior should give you some empathy for your wife.
> 
> Not so easy, is it? It sounds like she is being as considerate as can be expected as far as smokers go.


SOME empathy. 

But his anger is justified. She is wasting money and killing herself. I get he needs to be empathetic as its his wife and he loves her. But the person angry with the person that has the destructive addiction doesnt deserve anywhere near the same level of criticism that the offender does.

And she doesnt sound that considerate. She lies, hides it, and wow smokes outside. 

To me Satya is right here. OP needs to think about whether he will leave his wife or stay with a smoker for the foreseeable future.


----------



## EleGirl

Middle of Everything said:


> I know. Its just that it makes it evident that it VERY quickly boils down to leave them or tolerate it.


He does not have to tolerate the smoking in his presence or around the children. He has the right to draw a line there, to set a boundary. But if she goes outside to smoke, it's her choice.

He does also have the right to divorce her over this. That would be him setting a boundary that he now that he no longer smokes, he will not be married to a smoker. That's his choice. But as along as he remains married to her, yes he has to tolerate it is she choses to smoke somewhere that is not around him or the children.



Middle of Everything said:


> I guess the anger just seems valid as it strikes me a similar to drinking or gambling. No one can control another persons alcoholism or gambling addiction either. But legit reasons to be pissed as holy hell at someone. Ultimately I guess the same is true here as well that anger wouldnt help in those situations either. It comes down to **** or get off the pot (live with it or leave them) I guess.


Gambling is a high risk addiction because a person with a gambling addiction often will financially destroy the couple's finances. 

Alcoholism is high risk not only for health reasons but for behavioral reasons. Generally being married to an alcoholic completely destroys the relationship because of the way the alcoholic behaves.

If a person does not smoke around their spouse or children, it generally does not cause their spouse or children any harm. The only harm would be the money spent on cigarettes and personal health risk to the smoker themselves. The damage done in this case is much less than with either gambling addiction or alcoholism.





Middle of Everything said:


> Only thing I somewhat disagree with is that she is only harming herself. When she potentially dies of lung cancer that is hurting her family.


I agree with this. But he married a woman who smokes. He knew that she was a smoker. Yes she tried to quiet, but he and she learned something ... that it's very hard for some people to quit. Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. Once a smoker, always a smoker--meaning that it's very easy to relapse.


----------



## EleGirl

roughgoofit said:


> Fair point, and I probably should have a long time ago. But now we have two wonderful children and together will be able to provide them with a life far beyond what both experienced growing up. If we seperate it's all gone - kids will be in daycare, she will be working full time, house will be sold, and joint custody and all the issues that come along with that.


Whether or not divorce will actually solve your issue is a good discussion to have.

Yes you will no longer be married to a smoker. Sounds good to me.

But your children will still have a mother who smokes. And without you there, will she start smoking around them? My bet is that she will. The chance of your children growing up to be smokers increases many fold.


----------



## Middle of Everything

EleGirl said:


> He does not have to tolerate the smoking in his presence or around the children. He has the right to draw a line there, to set a boundary. But if she goes outside to smoke, it's her choice.
> 
> He does also have the right to divorce her over this. That would be him setting a boundary that he now that he no longer smokes, he will not be married to a smoker. That's his choice. But as along as he remains married to her, yes he has to tolerate it is she choses to smoke somewhere that is not around him or the children.
> 
> 
> 
> Gambling is a high risk addiction because a person with a gambling addiction often will financially destroy the couple's finances.
> 
> Alcoholism is high risk not only for health reasons but for behavioral reasons. Generally being married to an alcoholic completely destroys the relationship because of the way the alcoholic behaves.
> 
> If a person does not smoke around their spouse or children, it generally does not cause their spouse or children any harm. The only harm would be the money spent on cigarettes and personal health risk to the smoker themselves. The damage done in this case is much less than with either gambling addiction or alcoholism.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I agree with this. *But he married a woman who smokes*. He knew that she was a smoker. Yes she tried to quiet, but he and she learned something ... that it's very hard for some people to quit. Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. Once a smoker, always a smoker--meaning that it's very easy to relapse.


This is probably the most important thing here. OP wised up but knowing she was a smoker to begin with I guess he really cant be too upset.


----------



## lifeistooshort

It's a mistake to expect anyone to quit smoking. True some people do but it's a powerful addiction that affects people differently.

My dad died of lung cancer and I watched him struggle with his nicotine addiction most of my life. I have never touched one.....have no idea what it tastes like, but I do have compassion for those who are addicted.

Hell, I watched my sister light them up during his last weekend on this Earth.....I just looked at her with disgust. She made some excuse about being stressed and I asked if she really wanted her kids to watch what we were watching. But I didn't bring it up after that....it's up to her to quit if that's what she wants.

I absolutely do not understand someone who marries a smoker and then is upset when they don't quit. OP, having watched a death from lung cancer I am truly happy you were able to quit, but some people are just not able. And I think you getting angry and nagging her to quit has created a parent/rebellious teenager dynamic where now she's not going to quit just to spite you and show you who's boss.

By all means make your feelings known and then leave her alone. You married and are still married to a smoker; if you can't deal with that, and I completely get it if you can't (I wouldn't, but then again I wouldn't have married a smoker), then end the marriage.


----------



## roughgoofit

Hi Everyone!

Thank you for all of the responses - I appreciate everyone's insights and they were all definitely helpful. I know for sure that I'm in the wrong here also. It is really nice to see differing opinions on this issue from different perspectives.

At this point I'm going to work on me and do my best to just ignore her issue. I'm pretty sure that neither of us want to get divorced, and I'm also sure that my wife "wants" to quit but really is struggling (and I'm certainly not helping). She's fully aware (based on past experiences) that she is unable to "smoke just one" as it will quickly lead back to full blown addiction. I truly hope that she will be successful, and will be strong enough in the future to avoid starting again. It will be difficult as many of her friends still smoke...

My goal will be to get us back into counselling together to work though the fallout from this and several other issues in our marriage.

Thank you all again and I appreciate it, and Ele my apologies for violating the rules on my third post.


----------



## brooklynAnn

My husband is a smoker. He quits every year for two weeks and as soon as he is at work...he back to his habit.
His longest snap was 6 weeks, then his friends across the street came aknocking and it was back to smoking. He quitted before our wedding. He quitted with the birth of each child. He quits every time he is home for 2 weeks straight. Everytime he has a bad cold. And he gets really bad colds.


I have given up on trying to get him to quit. It's all up to him. I had him on the patch, the gum and meds. Once he is back to work and things start getting too much...he reaches for his hobby.

He does not smoke in the house or around us. 

I do worry about Copd and other lungs disease but I have realized that this is his choice. He will have to live with it. I have already told him that I would be living apart from him if he gets a cigarette related illness. He thinks it funny.

We don't make this rule our life. We enjoy our live together and continue to love each other. 

You have make this an end all issue in your life. You have to understand she will quit when she is ready. You putting pressure on her to quit is only adding more pressure on her. I am sure she knows what is awaiting her in the future. But boy is that nicotine addiction strong.

Now, you have to decide if this is how you want to live your life. Always fighting and quarrelling. 

Last year my husband quit for a month. He went cold turkey but after 2 weeks went on the patch. It was the worst month of our lives. He was so mad and angry all the time. I told him to please smoke because I can't take it anymore it was so back. We went thru all of that for him to start smoking again. He was hiding it from me. Then, one day I saw out the window that he was on the street smoking. I never said anything. Just waved hello, he was caught. He looked so guilty. I know this is his battle. He will have to figure it out on his own.

Just like your wife will have to do. This is her battle. 

How you choose to react is on you. What you want from your spouse is your expectation. If she can't be what you need, then you have some decision to make.

I love my husband. I will take him as is. I do everything to counteract the impact smoking has on his health by feeding him health foods and an array of supplements. That is all I can control.


----------



## Middle of Everything

brooklynAnn said:


> I do worry about Copd and other lungs disease but I have realized that this is his choice. He will have to live with it. *I have already told him that I would be living apart from him if he gets a cigarette related illness.* He thinks it funny.
> 
> We don't make this rule our life. We enjoy our live together and continue to love each other.
> 
> You have make this an end all issue in your life. You have to understand she will quit when she is ready. You putting pressure on her to quit is only adding more pressure on her. *I am sure she knows what is awaiting her in the future.* But boy is that nicotine addiction strong.


I REALLY doubt she knows what is awaiting her in the future.

Ive personally known two people that died from lung cancer. Big time smokers. One day diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. Within a year, dead. Couldnt even quit in the end. Had others hold cigarettes for them on death bed. One of the saddest things Ive ever heard of.


----------



## Openminded

Smokers think it won't happen to them. 

That smoke goes into every cell. Some, however, live a very long life while continuing to smoke. I've known people who were heavy smokers and survived well into their late 80's -- healthy. But they're not the norm. I've also known people who died in their early 50's because they smoked. 

You're playing with a loaded gun when you smoke. But it's your life and your choice. You quit for yourself -- not for others -- or it usually doesn't stick. BTDT.


----------



## Diana7

You married a smoker and now you are surprised that you are still married to a smoker. My first husband smoked and while I never liked it I never made a fuss because that was the way he was when we married. I made that choice. 
When that marriage ended I knew that I would never again be with a smoker. 
Sorry but she hasn't changed, you have.


----------



## As'laDain

My advice? Get a couple GOOD vape kits. Box mods with high battery capacity. And vape them WITH her. Get some cbd vape juice for yourself. The cbd will help you relax. Get some nice pleasant flavor. You dont need nicotine, so dont get nicotine. 

And start laughing at the craziness of it all. Its nuts! You getting angry at her is you letting your way of thinking cause you to experience an emotional reaction, which in turn causes you to act out of anger. Doesnt do any good. 

If you want to stop being angry, change the way you think about it.


----------



## roughgoofit

Hi All,

Still here with the same scenario. Got back into MC and it's been somewhat helpful. Challenged me to leave her alone for 30 days about it. I made it somewhere around 25 days...

My anger seems to have gotten worse and was coming out in different ways (about other things rather than the smoking). At this point I really just don't know what to do.

We have our fair share of "other" issues outside of the smoking, and over the last month my wife has been going above and beyond trying her hardest to work on those issues, which is having the complete opposite effect on me and actually really pissing me off that she is working 100+% on ALL of the other issues in our marriage EXCEPT for the one that really matters to me. My thinking is along the lines of wow if she would put in 1/4 of the effort into the smoking she would probably quit.

I know there is nothing I can do about it and I certainly can't control it, however I just don't understand. This is literally ruining our marriage and tearing apart our family and she is not willing to do anything about it.

I tried buying her a vape, got accused of "forcing her to quit my way", my response was no I'm not forcing you to quit, I'm giving you an alternative that you can do around me that I'm actually ok with. Eventually the vape ended up in the trash.

Its gotten to the point where we are like strangers passing in the dark. I come home, she immediately leaves to go work out, she gets home, we put the kids to bed, and one of us leaves to do something separate. I dread the fighting over the weekends... We had a blowout argument this morning and I get told "I fuxxing hate you" on Valentine's day... I'll be having a romantic dinner alone with my two kids this evening... Sick to my stomach over where we are at...

Bottom line is that I'm not ok with it and never will be. It needs to go away or I am going to. She knows this is destroying our marriage and I believe has accepted it.

Consult with an attorney is on Friday. Not ready to move forward yet, trying to understand what divorce would mean in terms of financials and kids... We can't continue like this especially around the kids. Neither of us are happy...


----------



## Openminded

Unfortunately, the addiction is so strong for some that they would give up everything before they would quit. She may be one.


----------



## Hopeful Cynic

roughgoofit said:


> Hi All,
> 
> Still here with the same scenario. Got back into MC and it's been somewhat helpful. Challenged me to leave her alone for 30 days about it. I made it somewhere around 25 days...
> 
> My anger seems to have gotten worse and was coming out in different ways (about other things rather than the smoking). At this point I really just don't know what to do.
> 
> We have our fair share of "other" issues outside of the smoking, and over the last month my wife has been going above and beyond trying her hardest to work on those issues, which is having the complete opposite effect on me and actually really pissing me off that she is working 100+% on ALL of the other issues in our marriage EXCEPT for the one that really matters to me. My thinking is along the lines of wow if she would put in 1/4 of the effort into the smoking she would probably quit.


She's working super-hard at the things she is willing to change in the hopes that it will be enough for you to accept the one thing she isn't willing to change. After she figures out it isn't working, she'll stop doing it though.



roughgoofit said:


> I know there is nothing I can do about it and I certainly can't control it, however I just don't understand. This is literally ruining our marriage and tearing apart our family and she is not willing to do anything about it.
> 
> I tried buying her a vape, got accused of "forcing her to quit my way", my response was no I'm not forcing you to quit, I'm giving you an alternative that you can do around me that I'm actually ok with. Eventually the vape ended up in the trash.
> 
> Its gotten to the point where we are like strangers passing in the dark. I come home, she immediately leaves to go work out, she gets home, we put the kids to bed, and one of us leaves to do something separate. I dread the fighting over the weekends... We had a blowout argument this morning and I get told "I fuxxing hate you" on Valentine's day... I'll be having a romantic dinner alone with my two kids this evening... Sick to my stomach over where we are at...
> 
> Bottom line is that I'm not ok with it and never will be. It needs to go away or I am going to. She knows this is destroying our marriage and I believe has accepted it.
> 
> Consult with an attorney is on Friday. Not ready to move forward yet, trying to understand what divorce would mean in terms of financials and kids... We can't continue like this especially around the kids. Neither of us are happy...


Yeah, I think you've hit the end, unfortunately. She's choosing her smoking over her marriage and family. Addiction is nasty that way. But you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.


----------



## bencoll

I hate smell of smoke. If you had known she will be smoking addicted, I don't think you would even want to be with her in the first place. And you did try helping her but as the previous commenter on me said, you cannot help someone who does not want to be helped.


----------



## MEM2020

Rough,
When you finally look in the mirror, you will recognize that you are as addicted to her, as she is to cigarettes.

You could have easily divorced her in the first years of marriage, before she got pregnant. But you made the choice to stay with her, over and over. 




roughgoofit said:


> Hi All,
> 
> Still here with the same scenario. Got back into MC and it's been somewhat helpful. Challenged me to leave her alone for 30 days about it. I made it somewhere around 25 days...
> 
> My anger seems to have gotten worse and was coming out in different ways (about other things rather than the smoking). At this point I really just don't know what to do.
> 
> We have our fair share of "other" issues outside of the smoking, and over the last month my wife has been going above and beyond trying her hardest to work on those issues, which is having the complete opposite effect on me and actually really pissing me off that she is working 100+% on ALL of the other issues in our marriage EXCEPT for the one that really matters to me. My thinking is along the lines of wow if she would put in 1/4 of the effort into the smoking she would probably quit.
> 
> I know there is nothing I can do about it and I certainly can't control it, however I just don't understand. This is literally ruining our marriage and tearing apart our family and she is not willing to do anything about it.
> 
> I tried buying her a vape, got accused of "forcing her to quit my way", my response was no I'm not forcing you to quit, I'm giving you an alternative that you can do around me that I'm actually ok with. Eventually the vape ended up in the trash.
> 
> Its gotten to the point where we are like strangers passing in the dark. I come home, she immediately leaves to go work out, she gets home, we put the kids to bed, and one of us leaves to do something separate. I dread the fighting over the weekends... We had a blowout argument this morning and I get told "I fuxxing hate you" on Valentine's day... I'll be having a romantic dinner alone with my two kids this evening... Sick to my stomach over where we are at...
> 
> Bottom line is that I'm not ok with it and never will be. It needs to go away or I am going to. She knows this is destroying our marriage and I believe has accepted it.
> 
> Consult with an attorney is on Friday. Not ready to move forward yet, trying to understand what divorce would mean in terms of financials and kids... We can't continue like this especially around the kids. Neither of us are happy...


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## Chuck71

Both of my parent smoked..... chain smoked. They were WW2 babies. I hold a great deal of sympathy for the people who started smoking before solid evidence was presented, as it was extremely harmful. They were hooked way before these finding were validated. I think pop smoked because all the western actors did. Mom started because all the pretty actresses on TV smoked. As far as the 1970s.... if you didn't smoke, you were not cool.

I grew up in the 1980s when it was still acceptable to smoke. It was still glamorized on TV and in social circles, especially music. I hold zero sympathy for people my age and younger because we knew... well and good, it was a pathetic habit. My mom's older sister caught her kids smoking (late 60s is my guess) and gave each one a pack and made them smoke it. None of her three kids ever smoked again. Course today, that would be considered child abuse...... Got the job done though....

I asked mom many times why she smoked while pregnant with me and while breastfeeding. It was known by then it was very bad for you. She never could give me a clear answer. She promised she would quit on my 6th birthday. No go.... I would ask her every year around my birthday but after I was an adult, just to tease her. I would sneak and smoke as a kid, easy access to them. I used to make my parents get out of the car to smoke. When pop learned I smoked, I bet he wanted to beat me senseless LOL

But smoking has had direct and indirect causes for the deaths of my pop, both pop's parents, mom, both mom's parents, three of mom's siblings. So.... what'd Chuck do... dumb ass started......smoking. I still do.... I've quit before but has been a good while. I can get down to 4-5 cigs a day but it's hard after that. What no one understands is I can't stand the smell of a ciggy when I wake up. I may go 2-3-4 hours before even lighting up. Common sense says..... Chuck should be able to quit then.

Your W quitting is on her. Your anger is on you. Own it. You can't nag her to quit, that's a recipe for her to continue. Let her know you are willing to cheer her on and offer encouragement in any way you can.... but you can't help her quit. One thing that caused me to put them down back in the 90s was seeing a person's lungs after smoking 50 years. Then lungs of a non smoker. It's a visual you can't get out of your head for a good while.

Smoking is the reason I lost all faith in the US government. In 1994 Congress did not agree to classify nicotine as an addictive drug. Wonder why? Tobacco lobbyists.... placing $ over the health of the citizenry.


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## glitzy75

EleGirl said:


> If I had my way, no one in the world would be a smoker. But the fact is that no one can control another person' smoking. Have been through something similar, I know how true this is.
> 
> Being angry about the smoking does nothing but get him upset and pushes her into fighting being controlled.
> 
> Who does his anger help? Does it help him? Nope. Does it help his kids? Nope. Does it help his wife? Nope.
> 
> The only adult person any of us has any control over is our self. So he may as well focus on what's good for him and his children. His anger is not helping either him or his children.
> 
> His wife is not smoking in the house or around the children. So that's good. She is not harming him or the children. She's only really harming herself.
> 
> What good does him hanging onto his anger do?



While I agree with some points about it being difficult to change a person, I find the last part of this response reprehensible and insensitive.

The poster states that " she is not harming him or the children", are you freaking kidding me?

I am the adult child of 2 smokers, I myself have never smoked. While I did have to deal with the effects of secondhand smoke through much of my childhood-- I have not suffered catastrophic disease from it ( so far).

What is catastrophic and painful, and heart wrenching is what I have watched my parents go through. My dad died at the age of 64 from bladder cancer that was smoking related. He only lasted 1.5 years from diagnosis. I watched a vibrant healthy man waste away to nothing before my eyes.

Not long after my mother who is much younger was diagnosed with COPD. She has lived with the diagnosis of COPD for the past 13 years ( she probably had it a few years before diagnosis). 7 years ago my mother had to go on supplemental oxygen, as her disease progressed. This disease stole much of her independence from her-- she was no longer able to work at the age of 53. She cannot walk very far without being out of breath which makes simple things like grocery shopping a task. She cannot enjoy many of the things she once enjoyed--like going to the mall, or perhaps dinner and a movie-- she can only be out as long as the oxygen will last. Although she finally did quit about 10 years ago the COPD has continued to progress-- and last year she also developed lung cancer which was inoperable due to poor lung function from COPD. From the standpoint of a loved one being forced to watch this process-- please do not tell me that "she is not harming him or the children. She's only really harming herself." These diseases affect the whole family not just the smoker, and to think otherwise is inherently selfish. I cannot describe to you the emotional pain that this causes-- it is worse than most physical pain I have endured in my life-- I wish it on no one. Not to mention the fact that it is likely her children who will bear some of the responsibility for car later in her life. To subject them to such pain whether a minor or an adult - is no different it is pain that cause psychological harm-- that could manifest physically.

The fact of the matter is that no one wins with smoking, 50 percent of smokers die from smoking related disease, and most of the diseases are not quick to kill-- suffering goes on for years. Furthermore the public health issues of second hand smoke and rising healthcare costs affect everyone.

I agree it is hard to change a person unless they want to change, and while I might not take the exact same approach as he -- I get it!!


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