# Custody arrangement when ex-husband has drinking & drug issues...??? Help?



## aquajay (Feb 13, 2013)

My husband and I separated 4 months ago, are living in the same house (because we have to sell it to afford to part ways)... he has been asking for a separation agreement to be drawn up, so I retained a lawyer who just mailed him a letter to get this all started, which he will get in a day or two...

He has a drinking & drug problem, which is why I said I could no longer continue in the marriage... he's a highly functioning alcoholic who mixes stuff to "take it further"... Over the last few years, I've found cocaine, mushrooms, oxy, weed, MDMA and something else I can't identify. Oh, and he also started mixing prescription drugs with alcohol too (Ativan). These are all the things I've found, so there is/was probably more. 

OMG... so what do I do as far as custody stuff goes? I am the primary parent (and have been since day #1), and he acts like our 5 year old daughter's uncle. By that I mean about her care and his role/involvement with her. Any party, optional work trip, fun/social event he could attend, he does and will be, as the priority... he's been trying to "schedule" it with me from now until July. (Which will change once there's an order.) So lately, over half of the time she spends with him he is either drinking or hung over. His other daughter is 18 and I saw how this affected her life from the age of 9, and it isn't good... He used to pawn her off at his parent's house so he could do whatever he wanted. My lawyer says no to this! We could fight for more time if he tries this...

My lawyer suspects that because of his disregard for the issue (he doesn't think it's a problem, because he works a lot/has stable income) that this will be our biggest hiccup in getting divorced. He's been doing things out of spite and to make things difficult for me, so I'm in a predicament and want to move out as soon as I can! (At least after our first 4 way meeting, if he is amicable.) 

Has anyone else dealt with this? Did you have to go to court? How did you prove the alcohol/substance abuse was/is a problem? I have pictures of some of the drugs, he hasn't been charged with a DUI... 

Any help/feedback would be appreciated. Thank you.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I know a guy whose wife was out of control with drugs and alcohol. He told the judge and asked that she have to take a drug test. The judge agreed. The mother did not take the drug test for 6 months (to clean up her act first). So he got 100% custody of the kids.

Something to think about.

I suppose you do not have a job, right? if you don't what are your plans to get one?

I wonder if you could get some video (using a hidden spy camera) of him doing drugs, perhaps acting drunk, passed out, etc. 

Did you ask your lawyer what you could get that would help?


----------



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

If I were you, I'd ask for 100% physical custody, request a drug test due to your personal knowledge of his drug and alcohol use, and if he fails, any visitation is supervised, he can't drive with the kids, no overnight visitations etc. until he passes clean drug screening. The kids shouldn't be put in a situation where they'd be responsible for dad passing out or ODing.

ETA: document everything. Bottles of alcohol, any drugs, everything. This will help you get support from the court.


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I agree with the other posters..

Hang in there....I understand how difficult this is but you will gain some peace once your house is sold/custody agreement is made.

Hugs to you and your daughter.


----------



## aquajay (Feb 13, 2013)

Yes, I'm employed, I have a very secure job with a pension, etc. so I am fully able to care for my daughter around the clock, if need be. 

I have pictures of a few things and people that could testify to this by way of an affidavit that could be used in court. Where I live this custody stuff is a battle because they almost always give 50/50 to both parents, with conditions... they can order drug testing/treatment, etc. so I have no idea how this is going to go. He won't be signing on the dotted line to say he won't drink in her presence. I'm pretty confident of that.

The drug situation will be my biggest advantage I'm told, but it's so hard to know. It would suck to go through court and everything, with him being able to have her half the time, but be unable to care for her!

This is sooooo frustrating for me and I've been dealing with this battle since she was born. :surprise:

I certainly will be discussing this with my lawyer, and it all depends on what he's willing to agree to/see... otherwise it'll be up to the court.


----------



## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

I would refuse to send her for visitation at all unless he was sober. Being drunk and taking drugs at the same time is a danger to your 5 year old and he will not be in the right place mentally to even take care of a child. So no. Refuse. He can take you to court all he wants and you can fight it. No judge would let a child go to such an irresponsible person. What may end up happening is that he would come over to see your daughter instead of him having her alone and unsupervised by anyone else. Your 18 year old can help testify on your behalf and explain the emotional problems that came to her as a result of it.


----------



## aquajay (Feb 13, 2013)

Now what???

My lawyer mailed a letter to him that said I retained him, would like a separation agreement and to keep financials as status quo. Attached was a 12 page financial statement that needs to be prepared to submit to the courts if it gets to the point where we need to go that route.

So... he is totally pissed off about it. I agreed to a brief meeting about it because he has some questions about the financial stuff (because I've been the money manager). Then, he started questioning my intent...

I said I wasn't prepared to discuss the specifics around custody/support because it isn't what we agreed to have the meeting about. (I can't say that his drinking/drug issues are the problem and it may be up to a judge to decide who she lives with. A judge could also enforce a conduct order for him to go to treatment, etc.) Then he tried to talk me out of using a lawyer... then he gave the biggest threat...

He said he would pack his stuff, move out and re-route his paycheques so our mortgage would default. He said if he has to pay legal fees, that would be the only way he could do it because we can't afford to go that route. (I used a credit card.) He really isn't showing me he's stable and if he does that, where would our daughter be if she was to see him? No thanks. He said he has given me a counter threat, as I threatened him with a lawyer. I guess this is the only way he feels he has power.

With it being the weekend, I'm freaking out because I can't call my lawyer until Monday. He is expecting me to answer his questions about this so he knows how to proceed. He needs a lawyer. Period.

Has anyone had their ex just move out and pull out the rug from underneath you like he is suggesting doing?


----------



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

You could remind him that his suggestion is abandonment and, depending on what state you are in, it might be criminal. I doubt that would do much to calm things down, though.

Or tell him you are just using the attorney to make sure nothing gets over-looked, and at the moment, you have have no intention of this going to court (Mostly true). The sooner all the legal requirements get satisfied (the financial disclosure), the sooner you can discharge the attorney. Most courts require the financials anyway. No one should ever sign an agreement without one. 

Child support is pretty much statutory. There are a zillion different calculators on line-just put in the figures and it generates the basic support obligation. The big difference by states is how much over-night the non-custodial gets-although in some states that just doesn't matter.


----------



## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Pluto2 said:


> You could remind him that his suggestion is abandonment and, depending on what state you are in, it might be criminal. I doubt that would do much to calm things down, though.
> 
> Or tell him you are just using the attorney to make sure nothing gets over-looked, and at the moment, you have have no intention of this going to court (Mostly true). The sooner all the legal requirements get satisfied (the financial disclosure), the sooner you can discharge the attorney. Most courts require the financials anyway. No one should ever sign an agreement without one.
> 
> Child support is pretty much statutory. There are a zillion different calculators on line-just put in the figures and it generates the basic support obligation. The big difference by states is how much over-night the non-custodial gets-although in some states that just doesn't matter.


He is playing this badly. Call the bluff, if he leaves the house that is good for OP, or if he climbs down it is good for the OP too.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> I know a guy whose wife was out of control with drugs and alcohol. He told the judge and asked that she have to take a drug test. The judge agreed. The mother did not take the drug test for 6 months (to clean up her act first). So he got 100% custody of the kids.
> 
> Something to think about.
> 
> ...


*Texas is primarily the same way! Have your attorney address it at a primary custody hearing and most judges will hold their feet to the fire! In most cases, their child visitation will drop to supervised visitation to no more than 2-3 hours every other week, until such time that they have adequately demonstrated to the Courts satisfaction that they are indeed "free and clear!"

And it is not uncommon that those very same judges won't "up the ante" on their child support, using the rationale that if they can use their money for recreational drugs and alcohol, then they can certainly use a little bit more for their child, and sometimes spousal support!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## aquajay (Feb 13, 2013)

So he pulled a 180 degree turn & has been texting me "all the right things". He says he didn't mean to express these things (moving out, taking our daughter with him, & re-routing his paycheques. He said he reacted in his emotions defensively & it's not what he plans to do. I tried to call my lawyer but he's away all week sick... I really wanted his opinion to see if there's anything I can do to protect myself & daughter from these threats. 

He's also trying to talk me out of using a lawyer, which I've already retained. He wants to go thru mediation instead. It was my understanding that this purpose was to resolve an issue, not to prepare a separation agreement & attend to issues in court. Is this right?

Oh, and he says he misplaced the letter & asked for another one. That's not like him.


----------



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

The misplaced letter, he's stalling for time.

In most places, mediation works if the couple basically agree on things before they go in. It lets you tweak a visitation schedule to weird work hours, and to finally decide who gets great-grandma's furniture-that kind of thing. Yes, it is cheaper than court, but when you go through mediation you lose the benefit of counsel and the mediator is not a judge. Heck, in lots of states the mediator isn't even an attorney. I would follow the advice of your attorney, especially because you and your children need legal protection. Both you and your child need financial protection in the form of support, and you need legal protection for any visitation due to his drug use.

Has he started any treatment for drugs and alcohol? If not, stop taking his calls and direct him to your attorney.


----------



## aquajay (Feb 13, 2013)

No... he hasnt started treatment or anything because he doesn't think he has a problem; he's in total denial and can't look inside. 

I told him I can't pursue mediation because I've retained a lawyer. He has to have his financial statement to my lawyer by Friday this week & instead of going through a lawyer, he's getting it witnessed by one at a notary office through a family friend. I talked to my lawyer briefly today & have an appt Friday to go over my financials so he can have a copy. Also to find out where to go from here. 

A realtor is coming over tomorrow to let us know what he thinks market value is. So if we sell the house & don't have custody figured out, how long will that take if it has to go through court?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How fast are houses selling where you live?

You could ask your lawyer to call an interim custody hearing as quickly as possible once you know that the house has sold. You should talk to the lawyer now about this so that he is prepared when it comes up.


----------



## aquajay (Feb 13, 2013)

We had a realtor through our house this week & he's thinking it will sell easy. I sure hope so! He wants to buy a condo after & I do too. We'll see how that goes, because we'll need a separation agreement to get the mortgage. 

He said he will be contacting the lawyer his family uses & the same one that helped with divorce 1 & 2. BUT... he's away until the second week in February, so we're not going to get anywhere with an agreement for a while. 

We will be listing our house before we have anything in place. Crazy.

I'm not sure how this will go when he learns I want him to deal with his issues so he can parent his daughter. I'm wondering what my lawyer will say about this & what the approach will be? Has anyone dealt with this before?


----------



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

In my state you don't get to divorce until custody is settled. Its a way to force the parents to deal with their issues.

So are you going to just split the proceeds of the house? Is that fair? How about any marital debts?

You can ask for a drug test, if he passes, then work out custody/visitation by agreement. If he fails, you get sole physical custody with supervised visitation. Is there a family member close by who could help supervise any visitation? Sadly, my gut tells me if he remains in denial about his problems he's not going to agree to a drug test, or any kind of supervision. Then listen to your attorney. Your first priority has to be to keep your kids safe.

I former neighbor of mine found out about her H's drug use one night when he OD in the living room. She was a doctor and never noticed the signs. Anyway, due to his documented drug use from the hospital, she got visitation in her home until he passed a drug test. Then, there was no driving with the kids until he was clean for six-months. That was four years ago and he still can't drive the kids around. The Mom will take them over to his place for visitation. The kids are in high school now.


----------



## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> How fast are houses selling where you live?
> 
> You could ask your lawyer to call an interim custody hearing as quickly as possible once you know that the house has sold. You should talk to the lawyer now about this so that he is prepared when it comes up.


I agree, legal counsel could benefit you here.. I would sell your home and then work out the custody situation. If he is doing drugs and drinking a lot then he shouldn't have any custody. Just supervised visitations.


----------



## aquajay (Feb 13, 2013)

Houses are selling pretty fast where we live. The realtors we've talked to are guessing we could sell within a month of listing, so it could be 3-6 months before we're really able to live separate (financially). 

My lawyer is aware my soon to be ex has communicated that his lawyer would respond to the letter sent once he is back from holidays next month. What sucks is he seems to think he doesn't have to retain a lawyer and that I am paying to have an agreement drawn up for us, at my expense. Of course, this is because the letter my lawyer sent him eludes to this. He doesn't realize collaborative family law means you both have to have lawyers.

I'm pretty nervous about the custody stuff and don't know how what I'm looking for will be communicated to him. Does anyone have experience with this?


----------



## Grogmiester (Nov 23, 2015)

aquajay said:


> *So he pulled a 180 degree turn & has been texting me "all the right things"*. He says he didn't mean to express these things (moving out, taking our daughter with him, & re-routing his paycheques. He said he reacted in his emotions defensively & it's not what he plans to do. I tried to call my lawyer but he's away all week sick... I really wanted his opinion to see if there's anything I can do to protect myself & daughter from these threats.
> 
> *He's also trying to talk me out of using a lawyer*, which I've already retained. He wants to go thru mediation instead. It was my understanding that this purpose was to resolve an issue, not to prepare a separation agreement & attend to issues in court. Is this right?
> 
> Oh, and he says he misplaced the letter & asked for another one. That's not like him.



He wants you to not use a lawyer ,,,, ABSOLUTELY NOT !!!! Tell him to take a hike ! 

H is only being nice because he's trying to manipulate you into doing what's best for him. Your attorney is looking out for you BEST interests. Your H only has his own interests at heart.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your lawyer can probably communicate it to him through his attorney.


----------



## aquajay (Feb 13, 2013)

Well, I have decided to pursue full custody with the new info I learned of. 

The drinking is happening every day, he has a stocked "booze" stash in the closet & he drinks in the morning to take the edge off. I even found an empty cider can in the cup holder in his company work vehicle! Also, he went to the doctor for something & was cautioned to slow down on the heavy drinking. 

I'm starting to feel way more uncomfortable living in the same house as him, with our daughter, knowing how severe his drinking has become.

I'm seeing my lawyer this Friday to sign my affidavit for my financial statement. I feel so stuck here & wish I could get him out of the house! We haven't listed it for sale yet & I'm guessing that will be another 2-3 weeks. 

What questions might I be forgetting to ask the lawyer? Anyone have any suggestions or experience with how to handle heavy drinking with the father of your child you've separated from?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Does drive with her in the car?

I would ask your lawyer what to do if he does. Calling the police is one option.

Just let your lawyer know about his drinking and ask her what you can do to help you get 100% custody based on it. Is there a test you can ask for him to take? Or could your lawyer advise his lawyer and ask his lawyer to have a come to Jesus talk with him about treatment and stopping the drinking?


----------



## aquajay (Feb 13, 2013)

I saw my lawyer today who is moving forward on the paperwork necessary to get prepared for court (if/when needed), and will be starting a separation agreement. 

I mentioned the increase to alcohol consumption, etc. and he is offering suggestion on how to get better prepared to handle/deal with these issues. Such as calling him on his BS and being blunt about how custody is/will be our biggest challenge and because he hasn't acknowledged and refuses to be accountable, inquire if he will pursue counselling as an option (because we can't use mediation and this is free through our work benefits). If he says no, I can reasonably demonstrate to the court I have made attempts to resolve this issue... and let him know he leaves me no option other than to pursue litigation and take him to court for the safety and best interest of our daughter. I like his approach!

So... that means my soon to be ex will receive an email and letter with my financial statement, again referencing the importance of him retaining his own lawyer. And in the meantime, he will draft up a separation agreement to eventually send to him, regardless of whether or not he retains his own legal representation.

In the middle of all this, we will be listing our house too! 

I'm feeling nervous about his reaction to the initial separation agreement he will receive and am not sure how to handle this? He will learn I'm not after 50/50 for a custody arrangement. I'd like to see visits during the day 2x/week, alternating a weekend with 2 weeknights for a few hours. Either way he will have to pay child support!

Anyone have suggestions on how I can prepare for his reaction? Should I plan to be out of the house for this? I'm thinking I should leave it out for him and give him a day or 2 to chill/think about it?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It probably would be good if you and your daughter were not around when he gets them. But will you know when he will get them?


If I were you, I'd get a VAR and have it on me (hidden). There is no telling what might go down. He might be ok. He might not.


----------



## aquajay (Feb 13, 2013)

There's going to be 2 "sets" of documents he'll receive. The financials today by email (which will also be mailed), and the separation agreement is up to me. I could ask the lawyer to send them to him or I can give it to him. I was thinking of leaving it taped to his bedroom door so I will know when he gets them. Almost like serving a tenant a notice!

Over the weekend he was visiting his parents with our daughter. When I talked to him to see when they'd be back home, he sounded like he was drinking & he burped. Given that with this & finding a can in his company work vehicle, I figured this was a time he was drinking (because he always does at his patents), and I reported it to the police. It didn't feel right to me. He ended up getting pulled over & had a breathalyzer done, and he passed because he wasn't drinking this time. He's furious now & is barely saying a word about anything. I know I did the right thing & it probably won't be the first time I'll call!

My lawyer seemed to think this will all work out in my favour for custody, with going to court. I have no idea how long that will take... 

Has anyone had an interim order done to address custody before an agreement was completed?


----------



## aquajay (Feb 13, 2013)

My lawyer suggested we pursue counselling as an option to work on custody/parenting stuff outside of the legal system & before going to court. I have an appointment tomorrow with a parenting specialist & divorce coach who are part of a team to help families separating. 

Has anyone had success with this option? 

My spouse & I are meeting them separately (his appt is on Monday) & they will tell him my concerns about the drinking/drugs so I don't have to. Phew. The outcome is that they will suggest a plan with our daughter's best interest in mind. We can either agree with them, or it'll be court.


----------



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

There have been a few posters here who have used a divorce coach. Guess its like everything else, if the coach is good you can have a good experience. So what do you plan to do when STBX downplays his drinking/drugs (which you can anticipate he will)? Are you planning on asking for a drug test prior to custody?


----------



## aquajay (Feb 13, 2013)

Well, 10 minutes before my appointment, he sent me a text suggesting he not pursue the support of the coach/specialist team. I inquired further & then he said he'd keep his appt on Monday. 

I let them know about the challenges & they are going to help us with the situation, but he has to go to & they suggested treatment for his issues. Their method is to meet with us individually, to help formulate a parenting plan & separation agreement. I'm curious if he'll commit to this process, or if we'll have to go to court...

My lawyer & these people are suggesting varying things about his visitation to our daughter. It's agreed no overnights... where I live it's difficult for a judge to grant a parent more than 50/50 custody, as they often will do that with conditions. It's just impossible to prove he's sticking to those... So I'm shooting for "full custody" with him having access/visitation, at my discretion. 

I am familiar with drug testing, but do people get tested for alcohol consumption?


----------

