# Are Red Flags?



## Ah83 (Jun 1, 2015)

I have suspected my wife of having either an affair, or multiple affairs for around the last 4 years now. It came to a point where I was going to investigate this properly myself, but the stress of everything actually made me ill, so I had to stop. I am now starting to feel ok again in my life, however I still pick up on things regularly such as the fights for no reason, and others things. 

Please can you tell me if these are red flags? I am trying to think logically as it's very easy to get lost in things and then before you know it that 'idea' you have in your mind about what you 'think' could be the case is purely fictional.

1) Very protective with her work laptop. She sleeps with it next to her bed, along with her handbag. When I asked to go through her email (stupid I know) she sat next to me breathing heavily and observing everything I was looking at. With other things during arguments such as her phone, she's just given it me and that's been that.

2) Wants to start arguments for no reason, and has serious anger issues.

3) We have a great weekend then the 'closeness' we have from that weekend vanishes in the week, she's always tired or wants to watch the TV, takes no interest in me at all.

4) She once wouldn't let me look at her personal phone a few years ago, this was so bad we almost wrestled over it. I didn't get to look at it and I know I am in the wrong, but I was suspicious.

5) Goes straight to the bathroom nearly every night once she's back home from work. She also only gets ready once I am in the shower which is quite convenient, and if I don't go in when she wants she gets angry.

6) Often 'stops at the supermarket' on her way home from work when she doesn't need too.

7) Is sometimes unavailable for a couple of hours at a time at work, always says meeting which could be possible but

8) Speaks differently to me on the phone when she is at work, which I have never understood. Sometimes she is quite loud, and other times you'd think she was speaking from some monastery!

9) She rang me once from her car on her way home, but it was withheld. She then rang back 1 minute later on her number. I knew the withheld was her so I said "why did you just ring me twice" and she said the car played up so I rang back, so that proves it was her and her number was withheld. 

10) She's worked at the same company now for 8 years, and I have only met 3 of them on our wedding day. Never met anyone else, and she's been out occasionally maybe once or twice a year but makes me feel like dirt when she doesn't even want to introduce me to people who she spends half her life with.

11) Went to an XMAS party with a divorced work friend and was dressed up to the absolute nines, more make-up than ever, and a very sparkly dress. Nothing she would ever wear with me.

12) Has regular thumb sized bruises on her thighs, have probably seen these on 10 separate occasions now, I ask what they are, she gets defensive and angry and says i bruise easily and walk into the bed or i don't know how I did them, why are you going on about it etc.

13) Used to talk about how her old boss (3/4 years ago) loves the same things she does, where he lives, what he has to eat etc, never shut up about him at the time.

So am I just an insecure idiot, or does this have some leg room? Sick of thinking about all of this but I guess I know I don't behave like this myself so I find it difficult to understand.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Ah83 said:


> 1) Very protective with her work laptop. She sleeps with it next to her bed, along with her handbag. When I asked to go through her email (stupid I know) she sat next to me breathing heavily and observing everything I was looking at. *Maybe she knows she's breaking company rules by letting you read the emails. Did you find anything??*
> 
> 2) Wants to start arguments for no reason, and has serious anger issues. *Maybe you think it's for no reason, but maybe there is a reason. I'm betting on the latter since you seem like a paranoid, controlling person.*
> 
> ...


I think you're 90% an insecure idiot to answer your question.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Do you work? If I were you I would go over to coping with infidelity and check up on evidence collecting....


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Go with your gut feeling. I f you feel something is wrong then it probably is. Honestly it looks to me like she has a whole lot to hide.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

6301 said:


> Go with your gut feeling. I f you feel something is wrong then it probably is. Honestly it looks to me like she has a whole lot to hide.


weightlifter will give you a % chance of possible affair.
this is his specialty.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

All the tell tale signs of something bad happening are here, not letting you see her phone or lap top, not letting you meet co-workers, etc. I think that if you dug into this further it would just be a matter of time before you found something that would either prove an affair had taken place or be very indicative of it.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Look at the phone bill. See where her calls/texts are going to/from. If there is a lot of calls to a specific number you have it. 

Then download the deleted messages from her phone. Also get two VAR's (voice activated recorders) and put in the bathroom and her car. You'll have what you need if there are s anything in less than a week.

The big thing for you is you need to man up and take control of your life. You appear to be somewhat of a doormat husband. You've let this linger for 4 years????????


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

I say 90%+ affair probability, due to #1, 2, 3, 9, 11 and 12.


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## header (Nov 14, 2015)

Ah83 said:


> 1) Very protective with her work laptop. She sleeps with it next to her bed, along with her handbag. When I asked to go through her email (stupid I know)


Yeah it's obvious you don't trust her and she's given you no good reason not to. Unless she has a history of deception, you're being insulting. 



Ah83 said:


> she sat next to me breathing heavily and observing everything I was looking at.


She's probably pissed off at being treated this way. 



Ah83 said:


> Wants to start arguments for no reason, and has serious anger issues.


There's always a reason. Maybe she's sick and tired of you always questioning her and being all suspicious. 



Ah83 said:


> We have a great weekend then the 'closeness' we have from that weekend vanishes in the week, she's always tired or wants to watch the TV, takes no interest in me at all.


Work related stress. She turns away from you rather than towards you to comfort herself. That's bad but not necessarily indicative of infidelity.



Ah83 said:


> 4) She once wouldn't let me look at her personal phone a few years ago, this was so bad we almost wrestled over it. I didn't get to look at it and I know I am in the wrong, but I was suspicious.


That's BAD, could be she had some mild flirtations on there, but you had reason to suspect back then.. so something was going on, it's a matter of degree. 



Ah83 said:


> Goes straight to the bathroom nearly every night once she's back home from work.


When you gotta go, you gotta go..



Ah83 said:


> She also only gets ready once I am in the shower which is quite convenient, and if I don't go in when she wants she gets angry.


Weird. She doesn't want you to see her getting dressed?



Ah83 said:


> Often 'stops at the supermarket' on her way home from work when she doesn't need too.


Does she come back with groceries? Maybe to her whatever she picks up IS important. Maybe she's having an affair with the produce guy.



Ah83 said:


> 8) Speaks differently to me on the phone when she is at work, which I have never understood.


Most of us have our work voice. Even if you don't understand it, accept it.


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## New_Beginnings (Nov 16, 2015)

Sounds like you're insecure and smothering her in trying to find evidence. I'm still waiting for the evidence you found, while taking away every bit of privacy and then wondering why she takes her time coming home. I would too. 

I would seek counseling for yourself and possibly find a hobby. I think you are becoming the red flag and you're pushing her farther away. I'd be exhausted for trying to constantly reassure you. 

Let's pretend she was cheating, do you think keeping closer tabs will eliminate cheating altogether? 

Trust and communication is key to a healthy marriage, sounds like you need to find a way to get back to that place without accusing her of cheating.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Ah83 said:


> I have suspected my wife of having either an affair, or multiple affairs for around the last 4 years now. It came to a point where I was going to investigate this properly myself, but the stress of everything actually made me ill, so I had to stop. I am now starting to feel ok again in my life, however I still pick up on things regularly such as the fights for no reason, and others things.
> 
> Please can you tell me if these are red flags? I am trying to think logically as it's very easy to get lost in things and then before you know it that 'idea' you have in your mind about what you 'think' could be the case is purely fictional.
> 
> ...


Uhhh...

Yeah, you might have a dozen or so red flags in there.


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## longtermdude (Jan 23, 2013)

I am a licensed PI and occasionally I will do domestic cases. The things you mentioned sound like there might be an issue. Use your head though and understand it could be your mind creating a scenario or she may be having an affair(s). Find out, follow what the poster above said and place a few VA recorders in her car and your bedroom. Spying on cell or laptop usage will drive you insane trying to figure who she is talking too since texting and email is so popular now. Hire a professional that can reverse numbers for that part of this. I always tell clients to go with their gut unless their mind is whacky and they are a jealous freak, then go with a professional.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Hire a PI.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

OP, in my old job with my exW I used to have a cubicle not an office. If she called, I had to lower my voice as everyone would listen.

The constantly talking about the boss can be a red flag or is he an over bearing boss and so she had to deal with him and it weighs on her mind. Do they text or talk outside of work? 

Try and get a peek at her phone. Nothing crazy red flag but get open access to the electronics just don't let this consume you.

If she has an iphone use Dr Fone wondershare. Get a back up to iTunes and you'll be able to see all her text messages and photos (even if the messages or photos were deleted) as well as her contact list and who she's had conversations with.

Be aware it's possible in her contacts to list a name as "Betty Jane" but the number could actually be to Bob Longdong so the call log will show you who's she calling all the time.

If you don't have her passcode to her phone, just observe for a while and watch when she types it into her phone. Probably won't take you long to get the 4 digit passcode to her phone.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Hmmmmm first I would never live this way. If I didn't trust my wife, I'd confront and find out. But I can be intimidating I suppose - not everyone is. The standard advise is to investigate and don't confront - it pushes affairs underground. As others have said weightlifter has all the info on successfully spying. Cheaters are pretty easily caught actually if you follow the advice.

The bigger question is why? Why would you stay and why would she stay if you guys have so little trust, respect and love?

A woman who doesn't respect her husband isn't worth being with and a husband who is a doormat and doesn't command respect isn't worth being with.

Sorry... but that's the real truth.

If you want to start acting like a confident, strong, independent, worthwhile man, then look in the mirror and think about what that would mean.

Search 180 on TAM - this is a prescription for regaining your masculinity and becoming a leader in your household. If you do this your wife will either follow you, or you'll find out she's cheating and be on with walking away.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Last sentence typo - ok with walking away


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Ah83 said:


> Please can you tell me if these are red flags? I am trying to think logically as it's very easy to get lost in things and then before you know it that 'idea' you have in your mind about what you 'think' could be the case is purely fictional.


I'd say you have a lot to be concerned about, however it's not necessarily an affair. Clearly your wife isn't happy (with you, the marriage, her life, whatever). I'm not saying it's your fault, but look within yourself, and try to view "you" as she views you.

Often boredom can set in in a marriage, and simply being home with your spouse, doing the same old, same old can trigger feelings of resentment which can be acted out. After all, you're the only one there to "blame" for boredom.

My ex wife followed this script to a T. Most of the things you mentioned in your post, she did. I was a good and loving husband, but I/we got into a rut, and I bore the brunt of it, I suspect. But rather than discuss it with me, and offer solutions to escape the rut, she instead pinned it on me and acted out in many of the ways you described.

Fair warning: she did cheat on me, at least once that I knew about, and up to 2 or 3 other times throughout a 7 year period. More or less coinciding with her behaviour change. Before that, we were a great couple. It's almost as thought she had a mid-life crisis (in her 20's!!).

So, short answer: she's not necessarily cheating on you, per se. She may be leading somewhat of a double life, but it may not include illicit affairs. She may truly have her life away from you, which includes work, friends, and a whole other social circle. Then she goes home to her boring married life and is resentful that it's not as exciting or interesting as when she's out with others, or even simply at work.

That said, this is usually the first step to having an actual affair. The leap from "I love my spouse but he/she is boring" to "I need to feel alive again" to "I can't stand being around my spouse, I'm suffocating" is sudden and jarring. It's not difficult for one to justify an affair when they have a negative view of their home life for real or imagined reasons.

For those of you who are saying OP is paranoid - relax. No, his wife may not be having an affair (or affairS), but there's certainly something wrong here. She is not treating him very well at all. OP seems to feel that her treatment of him is unwarranted, so the best advice to give him is to communicate with his wife and try to figure out why. That was something I didn't do, and I should have.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Alexm can you elaborate and be proscriptive on what OP should actually do? What would have turned things around in your marriage. I think you will have insights into what OP is capable of whereas my approach would be so much different because perhaps I am a more aggressive / protective person.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

I did not bother reading the responses. you can start a bullfighting school with the amount of red flags there.

I doubt if anyone told you differently.

The big question is do you want to find out what is going on or remail clueless???

Answer that one and I am sure you will get a boatload of suggestions.


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