# Do I expect too much?



## j_gonzales6309 (May 17, 2018)

Apologies in advance for the lengthy background story. My husband and I have been together for 9 years, high school sweet hearts. We married just 7 months ago and I prepped/prepared myself for a ‘we can’t get enough of each other, baby making practice, late to work everyday’ first year of marriage, especially since we moved in together after we got married. Unfortunately, that’s not how I would describe it...in fact I would argue we had more sex before we got married. Give or take a day here and there, I want to have sex almost every night but he doesn’t. When I tried discussing this with him after feeling like we weren’t being intimate enough, he said his job is stressful and some days he just can’t or like if we have sex 2 days in a row I need to give him a break because he’s “not a machine”. We are young with no kids, is this ‘normal’? Or were my expectations too high?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

j_gonzales6309 said:


> Apologies in advance for the lengthy background story. My husband and I have been together for 9 years, high school sweet hearts. We married just 7 months ago and I prepped/prepared myself for a ‘we can’t get enough of each other, baby making practice, late to work everyday’ first year of marriage, especially since we moved in together after we got married. Unfortunately, that’s not how I would describe it...in fact I would argue we had more sex before we got married. Give or take a day here and there, I want to have sex almost every night but he doesn’t. When I tried discussing this with him after feeling like we weren’t being intimate enough, he said his job is stressful and some days he just can’t or like if we have sex 2 days in a row I need to give him a break because he’s “not a machine”. We are young with no kids, is this ‘normal’? Or were my expectations too high?



You need to keep an eye on this. If it is a short term thing then you can make allowances for stress or tiredness but if it starts to get worse you need to act. 
At this stage you both should be going at it like rabbits. I hope this is not a bait and switch scenario.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

What sort of work does he do?

Is he overweight and out of shape?

Does he drink too much alcohol or smoke weed?

Does he masturbate when you are not around?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Wasn't his job stressful 7 months ago before you got married and you were having tons of sex? You def. need to keep an eye on this and don't let it go on for any real length of time without a lot of talking to get to the bottom of it.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

j_gonzales6309 said:


> Apologies in advance for the lengthy background story. My husband and I have been together for 9 years, high school sweet hearts. We married just 7 months ago and I prepped/prepared myself for a ‘we can’t get enough of each other, baby making practice, late to work everyday’ first year of marriage, especially since we moved in together after we got married. Unfortunately, that’s not how I would describe it...in fact I would argue we had more sex before we got married. Give or take a day here and there, I want to have sex almost every night but he doesn’t. When I tried discussing this with him after feeling like we weren’t being intimate enough, he said his job is stressful and some days he just can’t or like if we have sex 2 days in a row I need to give him a break because he’s “not a machine”. We are young with no kids, is this ‘normal’? Or were my expectations too high?


You guys dated for 7 years and did not understand that you do not have compatible sex drives?

What were you thinking? Did you guys not spend a week together at some point? Or, did you just "Date" a couple time a week for 7 years. 

I am not saying to not compromise but I am saying that you need to nip this in the bud because over time the pattern is for it go get worse. 

YOU are not expecting too much. Now if he needs every third day off, can you live with that? That would be 4 or 5 times a week. 

I am the same as you, I want sex daily. Frankly, I would be OK with morning and night everyday which is what frequency GF and I are at now. But then, we are not together every day. 

But you are going to have to have a calm, non defensive conversation with him about this. If you don't, one of you will end up resentful one way or another...


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## PigglyWiggly (May 1, 2018)

Have you asked him what his ideal amount of sexual frequency would be at this stressful time in his job?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Sex drives vary a lot. A mismatch in marriage is really miserable, and can be difficult or impossible to fix. 

Are you able to talk to him about what he thinks a good sex life would look like?


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

I agree with others. For the short-term, ebbs and flows are going to happen. But, if this continues on, you need to talk to him about it. This is what happened to me; STBXH and I had way more sex pre-marriage, then after the honeymoon, he pretty much told me he wasn't interested anymore, and we'd go weeks without anything. My drive is high, and I wore out 3 vibrators in almost 4 years. I'm now in the midst of a divorce, and the partner that I'm with now is much more akin to my sex drive. Like @BluesPower, twice a day, but we also aren't together everyday. You aren't expecting too much, no! It's to be expected that a husband and wife will desire one another.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Ursula said:


> I agree with others. For the short-term, ebbs and flows are going to happen. But, if this continues on, you need to talk to him about it. This is what happened to me; STBXH and I had way more sex pre-marriage, then after the honeymoon, he pretty much told me he wasn't interested anymore, and we'd go weeks without anything. My drive is high, and I wore out 3 vibrators in almost 4 years. I'm now in the midst of a divorce, and the partner that I'm with now is much more akin to my sex drive. Like @BluesPower, twice a day, but we also aren't together everyday. You aren't expecting too much, no! It's to be expected that a husband and wife will desire one another.


You would not be the first woman that divorced because of the attitude of their spouse toward sex. 

What I will never understand is why people get married and then pull the "bait and switch". What is that about? 

I think just as many women as men do this, I guess I will never understand. 

And on the vibrator issue, I got her a great one to kind of tide her over when we were not together. The problem is she loves it but only when I use it on her, which kind of defeats the original purpose. 

Oh well, I guess it is just another tool in the tool chest for now...


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## PigglyWiggly (May 1, 2018)

BluesPower said:


> You would not be the first woman that divorced because of the attitude of their spouse toward sex.
> 
> What I will never understand is why people get married and then pull the "bait and switch". What is that about?
> 
> ...


Off topic- Is your love language words of affirmation?

Hormones change, attraction changes, health issues...I don't think people intend to bait and switch many times but that's just my opinion


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## I shouldnthave (Apr 11, 2018)

j_gonzales6309 said:


> Apologies in advance for the lengthy background story. My husband and I have *been together for 9 years,* high school sweet hearts. *We married just 7 months ago* and* I prepped/prepared myself for a ‘we can’t get enough of each other, baby making practice, late to work everyday’ first year of marriage,* especially since we moved in together after we got married. Unfortunately, that’s not how I would describe it...in fact I would argue we had more sex before we got married. Give or take a day here and there, I want to have sex almost every night but he doesn’t. When I tried discussing this with him after feeling like we weren’t being intimate enough, he said his job is stressful and some days he just can’t or like if we have sex 2 days in a row I need to give him a break because he’s “not a machine”. We are young with no kids, is this ‘normal’? Or were my expectations too high?


I do think your expectations were unreasonable. That "newlywed" phase? Its not marriage that causes it, its new relationship energy. 

Once upon a time people used to marry after less than a year of courtship - the new marriage was still a time of limerence, of new excitement.

You two have been together for 9 years already. The only thing really new here is living together -and perhaps you are realizing that living together isn't all that you thought it would be. 

My husband and I married after 14 years together - marriage really didn't change anything at all. But, we also had been living together for 13.5 years at that point. We KNEW we were compatible, marriage was just a legality. 

Regarding your expectations for sex. Some people are happy with once a month, some twice a day. What is normal for THEM is what is "normal". Sounds like your husband's "normal" is on the lower drive end. 

What was your sex life like before marriage? How much time did you two spend together?


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

BluesPower said:


> You would not be the first woman that divorced because of the attitude of their spouse toward sex.
> 
> What I will never understand is why people get married and then pull the "bait and switch". What is that about?
> 
> ...


We didn't part ways just because of lack of sex, but that was certainly a contributing factor. Our parting was a culmination of issues, unfortunately. But yeah, the bait and switch almost right after our wedding day makes me think twice about ever having another wedding day!


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

PigglyWiggly said:


> Off topic- Is your love language words of affirmation?
> 
> Hormones change, attraction changes, health issues...I don't think people intend to bait and switch many times but that's just my opinion


Really, then what would you call it? @PigglyWiggly?


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## PigglyWiggly (May 1, 2018)

BluesPower said:


> Really, then what would you call it? @PigglyWiggly?


I would call it: changing hormones....changing attraction...health issues. Sometimes, people do pull the bait and switch.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Ursula said:


> We didn't part ways just because of lack of sex, but that was certainly a contributing factor. Our parting was a culmination of issues, unfortunately. But yeah, the bait and switch almost right after our wedding day makes me think twice about ever having another wedding day!


I think I agree with you on that. If you are not married it is so much easier to break up. 

And I can safely say that, while I am willing to work though some things in a relationship, after a good collage try does not fix it, I am gone...


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## PigglyWiggly (May 1, 2018)

Ursula said:


> We didn't part ways just because of lack of sex, but that was certainly a contributing factor. Our parting was a culmination of issues, unfortunately. But yeah, the bait and switch almost right after our wedding day makes me think twice about ever having another wedding day!


to offset your ex, wife and i started with sex 2-3x a week.....12 years later we are at 5x a week......bait and switch to our favor


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

PigglyWiggly said:


> to offset your ex, wife and i started with sex 2-3x a week.....12 years later we are at 5x a week......bait and switch to our favor


Holy cow, that's awesome!!


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## PigglyWiggly (May 1, 2018)

Ursula said:


> Holy cow, that's awesome!!


I had to learn how to navigate my wife's responsive desire. She had to learn that sex, for me, was not just the means towards an orgasm but a way of bonding, feeling desired and affirmed. It has totally changed our sexual dynamic outside the bedroom as well.


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## Ryre (May 31, 2018)

completely agree - saying "i do" doesn't change the person that you were yesterday into a completely different person today.
You are who you are he is who he is.
Now that said, life is about living, learning and growing and hopefully the two of you can learn from one another, adapt to each other and see how you can meet each others needs.


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