# Newly weds but inexperienced & need advice



## Steve412 (Sep 2, 2020)

Long story short we have a great relationship, very happy with each other, enjoy getting physical... we just don’t get physical much. 

We had sex only a few times before marriage and we are each other’s only partners. Our relationship started out with a few nights a week making out turned handjobs/fingering. That faded to once or twice a month. Fast forward to having sex... we both don’t know what we are doing. We tried a few times before marriage (would’ve more but she felt better waiting) and it was quick, sloppy, and yeah what you’d expect from first timers. On our honeymoon it was once or twice a a day. We worked on it, figured out some positions that kinda worked. But still she was in pain sometimes and we didn’t know how to make it work best. 

Been 8 months since then and we probably had sex twice, and fingered/handjob a few times.

My whole point is... we like it when we are getting physical. She seems very pleased with fingering. We had some honest convos about expectations and she said she just isn’t wired like others and doesn’t get horny much and thinks of sex as a few times a month thing “I’ll never be a everyday person” which is OK with me. 

It is just our few times having sex haven’t been great, we aren’t experienced so you have two ppl not really knowing what to do which is why I think we shyed away and stuck to hand stuff. 

She grew up in a more conservative environment so I wonder if her lack of desire is from her... well she admitted (claims at least...) she never really masturbates. She never really got physical with guys before either. So I don’t know if she knows what she wants.

So a few questions:
1) I never know how or when to initiate! My cop out easy way is to jump in shower with her, but I don’t know how to get things started otherwise. I’m sure part of problem is we go to bed at different times.
2) whats the best way to learn more about ways to improve sex? We read some articles but still can’t figure it out right. 
3) despite claiming she isn’t super sex positive, she really enjoys anything physical we do (or at least claims afterwards). So I wonder if there are things I can do to get her a bit more excited? Should I be finding ways to touch her certain ways during the day? Rub her shoulders? Basically ways to show physical affection? I’ve joked about buying her a toy, I know she won’t get mad I just wonder if she would use it. 

I feel like her exploring herself some would help both her get more excited/learn more what she likes.

She did one time surprise me by being in some sexy lingerie a few months before the wedding. I walked in after a day at she was waiting in a new outfit. So i know she has it in her, I just want to know how to channel that more... and I know that starts with me sending the right physical and verbal cues well before we get to bedroom. Just don’t know where to start!

Thanks!


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

For question #2, buy these two books:

"Come as You Are" by Emily Nagoski

"She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman" by Ian Kerner


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

bobert said:


> For question #2, buy these two books:
> 
> "Come as You Are" by Emily Nagoski
> 
> "She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman" by Ian Kerner


I think "She Comes First" might initially be the better of the two, since "Come as You Are" is, I think, oriented more towards someone highly motivated to improve, and his wife might not be in that camp at the moment.

He's mentioned the shower is a "cop out" because... it works? I'd suggest using that as a starting point and think... why does the shower work? What is it about the shower that makes it special? And I'm guessing the logical next step would be massage, spending some _slow_ time exploring her body, all of it.

And lube. Oh man lube. If they're not into lube they may need to. Things might have been very different back then had I understood the need for lube. Us guys just don't get it; you're early 20s and with enough effort you can force a steel chisel just about anywhere, and have no clue that it might just feel like a steel chisel. Coconut oil is really good stuff.

OK, enough addressing @Steve412 in the third person. Steve, have you had discussions about privacy and boundaries? If not, get to it NOW. Make sure you each understand what's private, what's not, and that there's nothing in her past that might be holding her back. Also, if I'm reading your post right, you've been married 8 months and "probably" had sex twice? That's not a good start. Think about extrapolating things out to the future. Sooner or later one or both of you are going to start wondering if it's the two of you together that's the problem. Fix. That. Now.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Steve412 said:


> despite claiming she isn’t super sex positive, she really enjoys anything physical we do (or at least claims afterwards).


Good article here, it may "fit" your case..... helpful info:

_*Responsive - vs -Spontaneous Desire*_


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Soo, you two enjoy making out and manual stimulation. What happens after the manual stimulation? Do you both orgasm? If you don't know if she does, then she's doesn't. And if she says she is but you can't feel her orgasm, then she's not. If she's not orgasming, then it may be that, while what you're doing together feels good to her, it might not be doing enough for her to make intercourse a comfortable experience. 

I would think the most natural way to initiate sex is to initiate making out, moving along to manual or oral stimulation, then transitioning from there into intercourse. Try to bring her to orgasm before you start PIV sex. Lube is probably also a great idea, and can be fun to explore with. 

Read up on pleasing a woman - "She Comes First" or "Sheet Music" might be good places to start. Take your time, have fun, explore one another. Also, please do be aware that the majority of perfectly healthy women do not orgasm from intercourse alone. So if either of you are thinking that she'll orgasm just from PIV sex, then you're both on the wrong track. 

And, yes, I suggest physical affection throughout the day. I do NOT mean grabbing her boobs or slapping her ass at random. You two aren't anywhere near there yet. I mean holding her hand, putting your hand on her back or around her shoulders, touching her arm or her face gently, hugging her, kissing her without expectation that it's leading anywhere else just then. Just generally being physically affectionate with out any immediate pressure for it to lead to sex. You want her to associate your touch with love, affection, care, warmth. You do not want her to only associate your touch with an expectation for sex. Make sure she has no legitimate cause to feel like the only time you pay attention to her or touch her is when you want sex. 

Oh, and start going to bed together if at all possible.


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## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

With my ex we were each other's first as well. It was 6 months from the first time she took off her pants until we successfully achieved coitus. Those were months of trying different positions, lubricants, before or after she had an orgasm, etc.

My ex was a bit nervous and wasn't someone that would pursue sexual activities either. One thing that helped keep her interested and receptive was that I learned both by reading (Playboy articles as well as several other books) and practice how to help her reach an orgasm every single time she took off her pants / pajamas. Asking questions "Should I suck harder? Lick faster or slower? Should I insert my fingers while I'm down there or use them another way?" or trial and error and judging her response was also good. Orgasms are a great argument in your favor for doing things and trying new things. A mouth can be a much more delicate and useful sexual tool than a hand. A tongue is softer than a finger and it comes with its own lubricant. There's no way to produce suction with a hand (that I know of anyway).

So soon after marriage, I never passed my wife without touching her. Never greeted her without a hug or more. Always talked about how good she smelled (and tasted). I'd read and put into practice "The Art of Massage". There should never be a time when she complains about an aching foot where you don't make sure she can get off her feet and, when possible, rub those feet. Don't neglect the chores that kept her on her feet just to rub them though or it could distract and frustrate her. "Initiation" started basically the minute I walked in the door from work by relieving burdens, showing attention, and demonstrating attraction. The crucial going to bed time (you are going to bed at the same time, right?) should probably be accompanied by the same physical contact and kissing that the rest of the day. Know and look for the signs of arousal she's displaying (or not) like erect nipples, blushing, spreading legs, hip thrusting, warming skin, deep breathing, etc.

You talked a little bit about a conservative upbringing. If has some kind of attitude of dirtyness to her body or sexual acts, you'll have an uphill fight to change those ingrained attitudes. You'll have to remain consistent in your positive attitude towards sexual acts and her body. No embarrassment at buying feminine products, no avoiding her at that time of the month (towels can save your sheets if you're worried about that), celebrate every one of your senses when it comes to her and everything you do with her.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

@Hiner112 makes a great and REALLY important point: "Asking questions "Should I suck harder? Lick faster or slower? Should I insert my fingers while I'm down there or use them another way?" or trial and error and judging her response was also good. "
COMMUNICATION with your wife WHILE doing things is SUPER important. First it will help you both understand what the other likes. Second, it will get you both more comfortable with each other ABOUT sex. If she isn't comfortable, the chances of her having and orgasm are pretty slim. Explore each other -- note the physical and audible clues to what each likes or doesn't. 

DO read the books suggested -- there is always room for improvement and it also helps you find new and interesting things to do with each other!


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Steve412 said:


> 2) whats the best way to learn more about ways to improve sex?


The books people have suggested in previous posts are all great ones, especially "Come as You Are."

There is too much misinformation in society regarding sex, so it is very easy to have unrealistic expectations and subsequent frustrations. This becomes really problematic when you start to think something is wrong and that there is something to blame. If you find yourself in that spot try and stop and be a bit more humble. You don't want to make someone feel rejected for just trying to be themselves. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

My main concern from what you have described is the pain. Sex should never hurt and it's not ok to keep doing something that is causing pain!!! 

The devil is in the details here. If she is not sufficiently aroused and wet and she is experiencing pain due to not being aroused and wet, then you need to work on more foreplay and arousal. 

If she is engorged and wet but is still experiencing pain with penetration, then she needs to see a gynecologist because something is wrong.


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## Know Kname (Sep 3, 2020)

Guys usually require in-out penis-in-vagina (PIV) motion to achieve an orgasm. 
Where as 60-70% of women required direct stimulation of the clitoris to achieve an orgasm. 
Since the clitoris is above and outside the vagina canal, the in-out PIV technique may not directly stimulate the clitoris as cunnilingus and/or manual stimulation does.

For the women who need direct clitoris stimulation during intercourse, a technique or a modified missionary position called *Coital* *Alignment *may be the answer. 

The best way I can describe Coital Alignment technique as a direct (pubic) bone to (pubic) bone rubbing vs PIV IN-OUT technique. Another way to describe Coital Alignment as Riding High. There are numerous website diagraming and explaining Coital Alignment position/technique.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Steve412 said:


> She never really got physical with guys before either. So I don’t know if she knows what she wants.


You're so right. She likely doesn't. Generally, inexperienced women don't know what they want because they don't know what feels good to them until they experience something that feels good. Then they know. And usually, they want what feels good to be repeated.

But understand this part: She needs to finish. Just like you climax, she needs to climax also because even though she (and you) may discover things that feel good to her, if she never finishes, then she can easily lose interest in sex because it doesn't go anywhere for her, it doesn't end up anywhere like it ends in climax for you. And that can make her eventually feel used, like sex is just for you, and her only purpose is for your pleasure. That's what it was like for me when I was inexperienced, and I've heard and read a lot of women say the same. So far, I wouldn't doubt she is already affected based on her lack of interest and thinking she's not a sexual person. It could be possible there is already some disappointment involved. A woman can have expectations but once they are dashed upon feeling sex is not all that her expectations made her think it would be, then she might begin to feel there's no point in going through it or getting herself worked up to go through it. I remember wanting sex with my husband and those thoughts quickly being replaced with "I don't get anything out of it, so what's the point?" so I didn't care to participate because I loathed the feeling of just being used. That was very unfair to my husband because he did try to please me. It was just that to my young mind at the time, he was the one making me feel used. Like you, he was inexperienced too and since I was inexperienced, I didn't know a more fair or objective way to look at our situation. So we didn't have sex all that often.

So what that means is that your task is to not only make sex interesting and feel good for her, but you need to learn techniques in how to make her orgasm. I wrote *some pointers here* for a young man who was, just like you, concerned for learning ho to make sex better for his wife. It's quite long so just try one thing at a time and tweak according to her preferences. I think perhaps the easiest ones to accomplish are the pointers regarding her G-spot and the one regarding oral sex. You didn't mention oral sex, so I don't know if you and she perform orally for each other. If you never have, and unless you are opposed to doing it, you won't believe how much she will love it and will likely want you to do it often even if she doesn't ask. If you're opposed to it or if it sounds yucky to you, I can tell you that most men really like doing it, so it might be worth a try.



Steve412 said:


> 1) I never know how or when to initiate! My cop out easy way is to jump in shower with her, but I don’t know how to get things started otherwise. I’m sure part of problem is we go to bed at different times.
> 
> 3)So I wonder if there are things I can do to get her a bit more excited? Should I be finding ways to touch her certain ways during the day? Rub her shoulders? Basically ways to show physical affection?


I strongly suggest you not so much worry about getting things started but do show physical affection during the day so long as they don't involved groping or feeling her up and things like that. Do hug and kiss her, hold her hand, put your arms around her, etc. Just don't expect those things to lead to sex when you're doing them. She needs your attention, she needs your physical affections and so on, but she needs to feel safe that your words and displays of love and affection are genuine for her and about her, as opposed to feeling like and you're doing them just to get sex. She won't appeciate you attempting every kiss to turn into sex or every hug. She needs for a kiss to just be a kiss and hug to just be a hug. But for your sake, they are conducive to her growing affection for you and oftentimes her more willingness to want to have sex. I wrote *this quite extensive reply* on how husbands can give their wife what she needs in order to get what he needs. I also offered lots of suggestions and ideas for things you can do. It's not as much pressure as it seems, so just read it a bit at a time and know that not all of that is required of you all at once. Just do something for her each day. She will appreciate anything you do.



Steve412 said:


> I know that starts with me sending the right physical and verbal cues well before we get to bedroom.


Smart man you are. Where to start is my second link above.


I don't suggest you try to talk with your wife about sex and what she likes and all that stuff unless you guys have had success in openly discussing sex before. Very often, inexperienced women are either too shy or too afraid to discuss sex and what they want. As you already questioned whether she, herself, knows what she likes, I agreed with you that she probably doesn't, so those types of discussions could make her uncomfortable. The reasoning is that, if you and I are correct and she's too inexperienced and unfamiliar to know what she likes, then she doesn't know what to say to you or how to express herself. Read my two posts to learn how to make love to your wife outside the bedroom and how to make love to her in the bedroom. Once your sex life improves and she becomes more familiar, then start having those types of conversations. But even then, don't be suprised if she still isn't comfortable enough to talk about it.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

oldshirt said:


> My main concern from what you have described is the pain. Sex should never hurt and it's not ok to keep doing something that is causing pain!!!
> 
> The devil is in the details here. If she is not sufficiently aroused and wet and she is experiencing pain due to not being aroused and wet, then you need to work on more foreplay and arousal.
> 
> If she is engorged and wet but is still experiencing pain with penetration, then she needs to see a gynecologist because something is wrong.


So true, Oldshirt. 

I really ignored that because I know how, just like "I have a headache," some women will use pain as excuse to avoid sex, espcially since a woman doesnt need her husband to tell her to go the doctor. If it's really painful, she will go if she wants to go. Not being snarky, just saying she would recognize if their's a problem, and I remember how many times I used that excuse with my first husband. I made sure I wouldn't have to be expected to have sex for 6 months of my pregnancy and then there was the 6 weeks bonus afterward. There now, nipped that in the bud. It's not uncommon.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Steve412, I forgot to suggest that you make sure you and your wife take the *5 Love Languages* test. It's in the second link in my above reply but like I mentioned, I don't want you to feel overwhelmed by the info in the link because it's not as though you have to pile all of that on at once or in rapid fashion. But try to get to the 5 Love Languages soon. Once you know each other's love language, both of you make a habit of doing for each other in your respective languages. If the test shows your language is Physical Touch, for example, then she is to provide that need for you. If her language is Words of Affirmation, then you are to provide that need for her. This is how you both communicate in the ways you most enjoy, appreciate, and respond to.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Knocked it out of the park SF. Well done  


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## Davidmidwest (Nov 22, 2016)

Steve412 said:


> Long story short we have a great relationship, very happy with each other, enjoy getting physical... we just don’t get physical much.
> 
> We had sex only a few times before marriage and we are each other’s only partners. Our relationship started out with a few nights a week making out turned handjobs/fingering. That faded to once or twice a month. Fast forward to having sex... we both don’t know what we are doing. We tried a few times before marriage (would’ve more but she felt better waiting) and it was quick, sloppy, and yeah what you’d expect from first timers. On our honeymoon it was once or twice a a day. We worked on it, figured out some positions that kinda worked. But still she was in pain sometimes and we didn’t know how to make it work best.
> 
> ...


cc


Elizabeth001 said:


> Knocked it out of the park SF. Well done
> 
> 
> 
> ...


See a Dr. Gottman therapist or a sex therapist. 8 months neither one of you are not into each other. Read gottman books, sex books, check out xnxxx website, read Mating in captivity by Easter perell, those two people are on you tube. Otherwise get out being so young, You both shouldn't have this much trouble. If you were alpha enough she'd be all over you in her eyes. Sex is important when you young and married when you are older women get hotter in bed even up to 70. us guys may get E.D in early 50's or late 60's.-why:Health, stress, cancer, meds, It is important to have that rapport for making love, because we age the intimacy that goes with sex has to be there. 

I am not to bum you out. Just see a gottman therapist, get randy, even if you don't want to. have sex everyday for 30 days, Read gottman books on sex too, 24 hour rule if you are put off, the one who refuses for what ever reason tonight has to initiate sex the next evening and has to add a bit more pizzaz to the evening.

If you are best of friends tallking about sex out of the bedroom and telling each other what we want in bed while in bed has to be heard without embarrassment. that should be easy. You don't ask you don;t get.

Do you date. Date an learning about your mates day, giving support, doing things together builds desire to be together, the time spent builds desire, desire begets romance, ROMANCE LEADS TO SEX. IT S A CIRCLE REPEAT. BOTH LEARN TO SEDUCE AND ROMANCE.


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## Davidmidwest (Nov 22, 2016)

See a Dr. Gottman therapist or a sex therapist. 8 months neither one of you are not into each other. Read gottman books, sex books, check out xnxxx website, read Mating in captivity by Easter perell, those two people are on you tube. Otherwise get out being so young, You both shouldn't have this much trouble. If you were alpha enough she'd be all over you in her eyes. Sex is important when you young and married when you are older women get hotter in bed even up to 70. us guys may get E.D in early 50's or late 60's.-why:Health, stress, cancer, meds, It is important to have that rapport for making love, because we age the intimacy that goes with sex has to be there.

I am not to bum you out. Just see a gottman therapist, get randy, even if you don't want to. have sex everyday for 30 days, Read gottman books on sex too, 24 hour rule if you are put off, the one who refuses for what ever reason tonight has to initiate sex the next evening and has to add a bit more pizzaz to the evening.

If you are best of friends tallking about sex out of the bedroom and telling each other what we want in bed while in bed has to be heard without embarrassment. that should be easy. You don't ask you don;t get.

Do you date. Date an learning about your mates day, giving support, doing things together builds desire to be together, the time spent builds desire, desire begets romance, ROMANCE LEADS TO SEX. IT S A CIRCLE REPEAT. BOTH LEARN TO SEDUCE AND ROMANCE.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Elizabeth001 said:


> Knocked it out of the park SF. Well done
> .
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


Thanks an awful lot, Elizabeth. I do try.


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## Steve412 (Sep 2, 2020)

Thanks everyone for the advice. Really appreciate it. Already been some of it in play and talked to her earlier today after we did some mutual stimulation in the shower. She started the convo and joked "maybe if you came to bed at the same time we could you know do more, more often." Man did I feel like a fool! When we do stuff together I know she orgasms (I can feel it) and she always really enjoys that so I think it is a lot of channeling that and finding how to expand on that.

I used that as an opening to talk about everything a bit more - she has been super stressed the last few months (new house, new job, etc etc) and she said "that may only last a few minutes but wow it did make me feel good and take some stress away" so I asked if she masturbates because maybe that will help with stress to unwind a bit. She claims she hasn't since we started dating 5 years ago.She asked me and I rounded down and said a few times a month her response was "oh wow I feel bad, we should be doing this more often if that's what you want." But she agreed she should try things herself some to so she can understand what she wants.

For the few of your that said into the marriage we should be more into it... that's the thing we do enjoy it whenever do things, but we are so bad with sex it is often we get in a mood, try it, can't get it right and then end up kinda "well that didn't go according to plan" and laugh. So I think we both have been embarrassed to keep trying even though we should be. I like the idea of trying to force us to have sex by saying "you know what everyday" or something because we do like it, but we just need practice!

So overall good progress, thanks for the advice. Thinking maybe I'll surprise her with a vibrator this weekend to give to her before I head out of town on business...


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Steve412 said:


> ...but we are so bad with sex it is often we get in a mood, try it, *can't get it right* and then end up kinda "well that didn't go according to plan" and laugh. So I think *we both have been embarrassed to keep trying* even though we should be. I like the idea of trying to force us to have sex by saying "you know what everyday" or something because we do like it, but *we just need practice*!


This! Get it out of your heads! NOW! There is no right or wrong per se. There is only right and wrong for the two of you. As one who is both open and poly, and has had multiple partners, with every new partner in my life, I have to learn what is right and wrong for that combination. Enjoy those giggle moments, and try new things, new positions. Pillow talk afterwards, and tell each other what worked and what didn't. If an idea had popped into your head during sex, but you didn't try it (understandable), bring it up and if both agree, try it next time. And if you have trouble putting things into words, find some porn or other sex resource site that shows it, or write down what you are thinking and leave it for the other to read. Just be sure to agree on the communication method.

If you both are alright with porn, watch some together and get some ideas. Granted that porn is unrealistic overall, but that doesn't mean everything they do is impossible or unrealistic in and of itself. Check into some kinks. You don't have to engage in the hard stuff, and not even into the bondage. Sensation play is a great way to ramp up to a good sex session. Despite the seeming implications of the name, knife play can be very sensual, and invoke similar thrills to roller coasters or haunted houses (blood not need be involved). Ice, hot wax (stick to paraffin or soy if you decide to experiment, and read up on it), feathers, even just running fingernails all over the body for several minutes without doing anything sexual (run over crotch and breasts, but don't concentrate on them) can be a big build up. Role play can also an enhancer. If you have questions, you can PM me and I can point you to resources.

If there is pain with PIV even with lube, make sure to get checked by an OB/GYN or even just your PCP. As others have said, keep up the physical contact throughout the day. Touches, nuzzles, cuddling up on the couch together. Put yourself in her arms as much as her in yours. 

As to toys, make sure that you are buying them with the idea that you will use them on her, as well as her on herself or even her on you. Sometimes, they can be applied to body parts or at certain angles that can't be done by the self easily or without being too distracting.


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## Annoyed_Hubby (Aug 30, 2020)

Congrats- how wonderful being young and in love. It sounds like you just need to put her to bed every night... show up as she's getting ready for bed, kiss her nicely, kiss her again, see how she responds and slowly advance. I wouldn't ask for permission or talk "do you want to have sex"- you'll know by how she responds after you are holding her and kissing her for a few minutes. If she isn't feeling it- just say "good night" and go about your business (despite how hard this is!).

I think you should get very comfortable kissing her _anywhere _on her body. Just take time to taste, feel, smell, and caress her skin. Experience it really with all of your senses- there's no rush. Linger on places she responds favorably to being "kissed". If manual stimulation works- try manually stimulating her with your penis. There's no rule that says your penis just has to go into her vagina to stimulate it. Just gently use it to caress her in variously places- and again- see how she responds when you use it to caress her. There's no rule that says you have to just "stick it in" and start pumping away. There's time for that later but I'd say just get use to kissing, caressing each other in lots of different ways and see what produces an exciting and fun effect. Just relax and watch how she responds. Watch her eyes, nipples, hands, body and listen to the sounds she makes. Watch the rise/fall of her breathing and even put your head on her chest and listen to her heartbeat. All of these things will help you gauge her actual reaction (and not just the reaction she thinks she is supposed to provide since she may be nervous and trying to "act the part").

I think if you just focus on observation, caressing, kissing, tasting, and even smelling- I think it'll eventually lead you to a place where (near the peak of physical excitement and ecstacy) you find she also really likes to be penetrated by you (whether she knows this or not). Don't rush or get too aggressive- could be painful for her unless properly warmed and ready (better to go too slow than too fast and in fact _very, very slow_ is almost always better).

This is really one of the great joys of marriage. Getting intimately familiar with your wife is a joy that can literally last a lifetime I think. Women/wives are SO mysterious and there is always something new to learn about them. Don't rush it but enjoy and savor every moment (in and out of the bedroom). If you continue with the activities above it is very likely that this woman will be having your children someday... think about what an unbelievable privilege and honor that is when a woman loves you enough to do that. Your love life is a sacred, beautiful thing that will strengthen your marriage. Don't defile it. Act aloof about sex during the day and don't continually discuss it or talk about (talk is cheap) and especially DON'T harass her continually for it. (This is perhaps the only thing on earth women can be uncomfortable in verbalizing- their need for sex- lol.). Conversely, when you have an opportunity to woo her _remember_ it all starts with an innocent hug, kiss, and perhaps a little eye contact (verbal requests for sex are pointless). You basically save up all of your desire, hormonal power, strength, and your "inner beast" for those moments when you finally have her in your arms and she is surrendering herself to you. She may not even be aware of how much she needs you to take her and _love her-_ but make no mistake- this IS a husband's most serious (and privileged) responsibility!

Edited to add: you really do need to observe and know the signs that your wife is having an orgasm and I wouldn't necessarily take her word on that (women say things to protect our ego or because they don't want us to think there is something wrong with them). If you pay close attention though you will learn the subtle (or not so subtle) clues. No one could stand having their fire stoked over and over and never being "put out". This would be cruel beyond words and about the ultimate callous thing a man could do.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

One thing you said " We laugh" --- VERY important to be able to joke around about this as well -- it will help your communications. NO issue with laughing at something that doesn't work (as long as it's together and not AT one person).
Sounds like you are starting to talk more which is great. Find the FUN in sex between the both of you. Try to ENJOY what each other likes, don't take it as a disappointment if something doesn't work. You may find that something that doesn't work today, will work next week (or whatever).


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

jlg07 said:


> One thing you said " We laugh" --- VERY important to be able to joke around about this as well -- it will help your communications. NO issue with laughing at something that doesn't work (as long as it's together and not AT one person).
> Sounds like you are starting to talk more which is great. Find the FUN in sex between the both of you. Try to ENJOY what each other likes, don't take it as a disappointment if something doesn't work. You may find that something that doesn't work today, will work next week (or whatever).


I think it also might help, sometimes, to try and have "sex" without the pressure. Forget about acrobatics or making it really interesting. Think about it in terms of it being something so special that (taking liberties with their mention of religion) it's something shared only by two people fully committed to each other. And then borrowing something from a movie I saw last week, where the previously-experienced young lady is about to have sex with her very nervous first-timer boyfriend. He started trying to "do" what he thought he was supposed to do (from watching movies or whatever) and she gently stops him and says, "Don't try to be good. Just be with me."


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Steve412 said:


> Thanks everyone for the advice. Really appreciate it. Already been some of it in play and talked to her earlier today after we did some mutual stimulation in the shower. She started the convo and joked "maybe if you came to bed at the same time we could you know do more, more often." Man did I feel like a fool! When we do stuff together I know she orgasms (I can feel it) and she always really enjoys that so I think it is a lot of channeling that and finding how to expand on that.
> 
> I used that as an opening to talk about everything a bit more - she has been super stressed the last few months (new house, new job, etc etc) and she said "that may only last a few minutes but wow it did make me feel good and take some stress away" so I asked if she masturbates because maybe that will help with stress to unwind a bit. She claims she hasn't since we started dating 5 years ago.She asked me and I rounded down and said a few times a month her response was "oh wow I feel bad, we should be doing this more often if that's what you want." But she agreed she should try things herself some to so she can understand what she wants.
> 
> ...


Heeyyy, that worked out really well. Good for you!

I implore you to still read my two links and put those concepts and techniques into practice. They will help you both in and out of the bedroom. I also really like Annoyed_Hubby's reply and his advice to become "intimately familiar with your wife." Really good stuff in his post. Could I ask you to consider getting to know each other better and putting the concepts and techniques in Annoyed_Hubby's post and those in my links into practice before you purchase a vibrator for your wife? I'm hoping you will take some time to first build your intimacy and discover what you can do for each other before incorporating an device that she just might become dependent on using. Over the years, there have been posts here on this site and *on the internet* from guys saying their wife prefers her vibrator to them. My concern is that you don't need that kind of competition at these early stages of discovery. If you want to be frightened into considering my request, read *this confession from a woman* who prefers her vibrator, doesn't enjoy sex with her husband anymore, and only participates in duty sex with him as seldom as she can get away with. You have a lot to offer, so give yourself a chance to be the one who blows your wife's mind. Her ability to tell you what she likes and wants can come from that. Everything else can come later.

I wholeheartedly disagree with the suggestion you received to watch pornography for pointers. Please don't do that because 1) there's nothing instructional about pornography, 2) porn videos create unrealistic expectations, 3) they depict sexual gender inequality, and 4) they appallingly degrade and objectify women very badly. Those are not the kinds of cues, signals, and practices you want to incorporate into your marriage and sex life since you won't necessarily identify what you're viewing as problematic. If you want something instructional, there are instructional sex videos you can google to find.



Casual Observer said:


> "Don't try to be good. Just be with me."


That is more valuable than you know.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

There is a difference in porn and erotica (less 'crude', but stimulating). Many women read books with romance and sex thrown in. Women do need intimacy and connection, just like men need appreciation and to feel like they are valued. Read to her, atmosphere--music, lighting, etc. set the tone.

Love the advice you have been given. Women respond to good hygiene, yummy smells, loving eye contact, gentle touch, and good listening in daily life. They do want a man and what that stands for. They want to feel like they are important in every way to their SO.

You sound like you are a great mate.


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## Steve412 (Sep 2, 2020)

Bumping the thread up with an update. So we had sex...

After some good conversation last week, I had to leave for a business trip for a few days. First night back the wife gets things started and recommends we head to the bedroom.

Now I’ll preface the next part by saying while we got frustrated we were laughing and keeping good spirits about things.

But it went awful haha!

So we need to work on our foreplay. We were kissing, my hands were wandering, but she didn’t do much for worry (because it happened in the past) of getting to hot and heavy with me and yeah things happen early. So we lay there and make out and it gets kinda boring. Even she was like “alright let’s just get to it!”

(She doesn’t look receiving oral - correction she likes it but doesn’t want to kiss after it so doesn’t want me to do it)

So this is where our inexperienced really hits. I don’t know if it is the wrong type of condom, lack of lube, or what but it’sdifficult to get it in. And I don’t feel much. The condom did look a little baggy. Which without feeling as much I wasn’t as hard as I probably normally am.

It was missionary and she complained about it hurting when it was deep. I’ll be first to admit I don’t think length is a concern here so what is wrong? Is it the angle? Is there another position where if she is in pain when it is “deep” in her mind, that another position doesn’t feel as deep?

We spend about 10 mins trying to get it in and stay in. I assume I need a different condom so that I can feel things more and stay stimulated and it not be baggy. Probably some lube as well? 

We gave up, and used hands and she said that was one of the best orgasms she has had (based on how she was shaking I believe her). But honestly this is par for the course whenever we try - feel like if we could get it in, stay in and enjoy that for some time it would be a good start. 

Not to sound selfish but I want to get this worked out and her excited about it more - she is about to start some anexity meds that even she joked “side affects are lowering my sex drive.. what little drive I have.”

So how can I spice up foreplay without either of us climaxing before intercourse? Or would it be good for her to?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Is she on birth control? If she is, you can forgo the condom. If you still want to use a condom, get one that fits. Just buy a bunch until you find the one that works. And, remember, practice makes perfect (or at least improves).


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

It would probably help if she climaxes before penetration. Then you can work on giving her another O. 

Why haven’t you gotten that lube yet? 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Steve412 said:


> Bumping the thread up with an update. So we had sex...
> 
> After some good conversation last week, I had to leave for a business trip for a few days. First night back the wife gets things started and recommends we head to the bedroom.
> 
> ...


This is going to sound a bit odd, but... what are your plans for kids? If a kid came along sooner than later, would that be a terrible thing? Reason I ask is that adding a bit of "risk" to sex, the possibility of pregnancy, could add to her drive. Could. We don't know her; could be the opposite! But going bare and pulling out, which I'm not suggesting is a great way to keep from getting pregnant, yet greatly reduces the odds... that could get something going. Risk can be an aphrodisiac for some.

Another thing that could be getting in the way is simply the planning involved in using a condom. All of a sudden it's not just spontaneous sex, it's an event with expectations. A game plan. A-B-C. If you don't get to C, you've failed. You need to reduce the feeling of failure.

And why would you even ask if lube is an issue? Assume it is!!! OMG things might have gone so much better early on had I had a clue about lube. Try coconut oil (but not with condoms, since it can degrade them). 

And the thing about not kissing after oral sex? You have to deal with that, get her used to the idea that you love her smell, her taste, her everything. There's nothing wrong with anything about her body. It's awesome. Tasting herself when you kiss... that's intimacy. Worst-case scenario, brush your teeth and wash your face afterward, but you really shouldn't have to. This is stuff you need to get past early on.

What about during her period? Do you have sex then, or is she off-limits? Messy period sex is awesome. Just get some towels down and go at it. No condoms needed then. Does she get nasty cramps? I have a feeling she doesn't want to be eaten (and maybe not digitally stimulated) during her period, but for the two women I've known, orgasms were a great way to get rid of cramps. 

She kinda needs to give you some freedom to explore. Go slowly. But think about using the withdrawal method (just don't send TAM the bill for the kid!!!). How aware of her fertile times is she? How aware are you? Have you read books like Our Bodies Ourselves (if that's still in print)?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Steve412 said:


> (She doesn’t look receiving oral - correction she likes it but doesn’t want to kiss after it so doesn’t want me to do it)


So, give her oral, and while she is calming down after her orgasm, get up and wash your face/brush your teeth. That should alleviate THAT particular issue.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

jlg07 said:


> So, give her oral, and while she is calming down after her orgasm, get up and wash your face/brush your teeth. That should alleviate THAT particular issue.


Keep in mind these are two very inexperienced people discovering what sex is about. I'm just a bit concerned that setting up relatively-mild taboos early in the relationship could hamper progress.


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## Steve412 (Sep 2, 2020)

Casual Observer said:


> This is going to sound a bit odd, but... what are your plans for kids? If a kid came along sooner than later, would that be a terrible thing? Reason I ask is that adding a bit of "risk" to sex, the possibility of pregnancy, could add to her drive. Could. We don't know her; could be the opposite! But going bare and pulling out, which I'm not suggesting is a great way to keep from getting pregnant, yet greatly reduces the odds... that could get something going. Risk can be an aphrodisiac for some.


We don’t want kids, like really do not want kids right now, so while we talked about no condom and she is somewhat open to it she is worried about it even though she is on birth control.

I’ve given her oral many times and she said she really liked it then out of blue told me to stop. When I asked recently it is the don't kiss after thing. But I’ll approach again, after all our bedroom is 2ft from bathroom so I could quickly brush teeth after.

Since I don’t last long she doesn’t do much in foreplay as she is rightfully worried about ruining it for me, but I wish she could she touch other areas. 

But yes we talked about whether it makes sense for her to climax with hands or oral before PIV. I guarantee she never had multi Os in one day so she probably doesn’t realize she could have another one so soon.

She can just be a bit stubborn and hard to change her mind. So that’s why I want to let the pleasure change her mind. Even when we trying and I had to... well restimulate myself a little I was like does this turn you on and shelaughed and said no.

Going to get all generalizing here but I assume if I’m her first partner, throw in she doesn’t masturbate, she isn’t the type of girl that would’ve ever read Cosmo or whatever about sex. Even some of the questions she asks about what my body does makes me feel like she never really had proper sex ed... so I need to get her excited and break her out of her shell. Because she is convinced she has no sex drive... I think she is in her head.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Steve412 said:


> So how can I spice up foreplay without either of us climaxing before intercourse? Or would it be good for her to?


Lube should be part of foreplay. If you must wear condoms you may want to try a non-latex brand that is compatible with using oils like coconut oil. Not only will coconut oil last longer than water-based lubes, it is much healthier for her than products containing glycerin and other chemicals. A lambskin condom is probably the most natural feeling although they are expensive. 









Is It Safe to Use Coconut Oil as Lube? Ob-Gyns Explain


Can you use coconut oil as a lubricant during sex? Doctors weigh in on the pros and cons of using coconut oil as lube and if it is a safe option.




www.health.com


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Steve412 said:


> ince I don’t last long she doesn’t do much in foreplay as she is rightfully worried about ruining it for me, but I wish she could she touch other areas.


So, does she like giving oral to YOU? Since you are young, she could give YOU oral to completion, then YOU give HER oral to completion, and then move in to PIV. If you are young, you should be able to recover in a pretty quick time period, and you should be able to last longer the 2nd time.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Steve412 said:


> *We don’t want kids, like really do not want kids right now, so while we talked about no condom and she is somewhat open to it she is worried about it even though she is on birth control.*


OK. This plus the remark about going on anxiety meds. I think she needs a trusted 3rd party that can set her mind at ease about birth control effectiveness and that thinking about pregnancy is not something that should be a concern. I was 100% wrong in thinking adding a certain amount of riskiness would be a good thing, making it exciting. 

Her religious background is probably really getting into her head right now, because she's had sex=babies drilled into her brain for years, and moving on to sex=enjoyment is not such an easy ask. She needs some reprogramming.

The anxiety meds. Try to keep her off Prozac!!! She may be in an anxiety spin cycle, with concerns about sex and pregnancy creating anxiety and Prozac would further reduce desire which would then increase anxiety... look into Wellbutrin, one of the few such meds that is known to increase, not decrease, sex drive. It may not be appropriate for her specific issues though.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Steve412 said:


> Now I’ll preface the next part by saying while we got frustrated we were laughing and keeping good spirits about things.
> 
> But it went awful haha!


This is good that you two can remain chipper in the face of troubles. That attitude will help in many areas of your marriage.



> So we need to work on our foreplay. We were kissing, my hands were wandering, but she didn’t do much for worry (because it happened in the past) of getting to hot and heavy with me and yeah things happen early. So we lay there and make out and it gets kinda boring. Even she was like “alright let’s just get to it!”
> 
> So how can I spice up foreplay without either of us climaxing before intercourse? Or would it be good for her to?


I put these together since they're related. You two might want to make time to work on your stamina. There are several methods that don't involve drugs or diet changes. Do a bit of research and talk to a ST if possible. Also make sure she knows she can climax multiple times, since she's woman. Actually men can too (multiple orgasms, not necessarily multiple ejaculations), but that take even more work and practice.Thus you can do a lot for her early on.



> (She doesn’t look receiving oral - correction she likes it but doesn’t want to kiss after it so doesn’t want me to do it)


Not uncommon. Work out times for such activities, and cleaning up afterwards. Plan on an oral only session, either one at a time or 69. Also discuss why she has issues, and see if there is any way to overcome those issues.



> So this is where our inexperienced really hits. I don’t know if it is the wrong type of condom, lack of lube, or what but it’sdifficult to get it in. And I don’t feel much. The condom did look a little baggy. Which without feeling as much I wasn’t as hard as I probably normally am.


You should try condoms on at some point prior to actual sex. Your wife can help too. Maybe have a few brands and sizes handy and when you get your first erection have her help you put them on. See what fits well. For the issue of difficulty of getting it in, first try lube, and then if that is still a problem, try different positions. But fix the condom problem first.



> It was missionary and she complained about it hurting when it was deep. I’ll be first to admit I don’t think length is a concern here so what is wrong? Is it the angle? Is there another position where if she is in pain when it is “deep” in her mind, that another position doesn’t feel as deep?


Yes, angle can make a difference. The right angle can have you hitting the cervix, which can be painful, or for some women, wonderful. You'll have to experiment with positions. Actually take some time to explore. Try some different positions where you don't necessarily try to have sex, but explore your bodies and see what positions and variations work well. Basically pick the position and then slip it in, but don't do a lot of in-out. And missionary with her legs down can be greatly different than with the legs up.



> We spend about 10 mins trying to get it in and stay in. I assume I need a different condom so that I can feel things more and stay stimulated and it not be baggy. Probably some lube as well?


Are you looking when you're trying to get it in? Or using your hands to guide it in? Sometimes, trying to insert the penis by its sense of feeling alone is not an easy task.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Steve412 said:


> > We don’t want kids, like really do not want kids right now, so while we talked about no condom and she is somewhat open to it she is worried about it even though she is on birth control.
> 
> 
> To be clear, is this a not now issue, or a really don't want them ever? And if the later, which one, if not both, doesn't ever want kids?
> ...


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