# Possible impact of divorce on children



## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

It is obvious that a large number of children of divorced parents survive the experience and later become capable and stable adults.9 But it is also becoming increasingly evident that many children of divorce are at risk for developing detrimental behaviors, personality disorders, and disruptive lifestyles. Some of the variables in adjustment of children to parental divorce are (1) age of child at divorce, (2) amount of conflict in the marriage, (3) access to both parents after the divorce, (4) adjustment to a step-parent, if there is one, and (5) access to other nurturing adults during the childhood years. 

Each year, over 1 million American children suffer the divorce of their parents; moreover, half of the children born this year [2000] to parents who are married will see their parents divorce before they turn 18. Mounting evidence in social science journals demonstrates that the devastating physical, emotional, and financial effects that divorce is having on these children will last well into adulthood and affect future generations. Among these broad and damaging effects are the following: 

• Children whose parents have divorced are increasingly the victims of abuse. They exhibit more health, behavioral, and emotional problems, are involved more frequently in crime and drug abuse, and have higher rates of suicide. 

• Children of divorced parents perform more poorly in reading, spelling, and math. They are also more likely to repeat a grade and to have higher dropout rates and lower rates of college graduation. 

• Families with children that were not poor before the divorce see their income drop as much as 50 percent. Almost 50 percent of the parents with children that are going through a divorce move into poverty after the divorce. 

• Religious worship, which has been linked to better health, longer marriages, and better family life, drops after the parents’ divorce.

The divorce of parents, even if it is amicable, tears apart the fundamental unit of American society.

There are two other similar myths about divorce: 

The first holds that if the parents are happier the children will be happier too…. Children are not considered separately from their parents; their needs, and even their thoughts are subsumed under the adult agenda…. Indeed, many adults who are trapped in very unhappy marriages would be surprised to learn that their children are relatively content. They don’t care if mom and dad sleep in different beds as long as the family is together…. 

A second myth is based on the premise that divorce is a temporary crisis that exerts its more harmful effects on parents and children at the time of the breakup.…The belief that the crisis is temporary underlies the notion that if acceptable legal arrangements for custody, visits, and child support are made at the time of the divorce and parents are provided with a few lectures, the child will soon be fine. It is a view we have fervently embraced and continue to hold. But it’s misguided.12 

In many states, if you do file for divorce and you have children, you will be required to attend a two-hour class on divorce education before your divorce is granted. This class is not designed to tell you whether you should divorce but rather reviews how to deal with it to have the least negative impact on children. It may be that some couples who file for divorce and attend the required divorce education class are among those who decide not to proceed with the termination of their marriage. Perhaps serious thought of the impact of divorce on children should precede filing for divorce as well. 

Taken from Patrick R. Fagan, and Robert Rector, “The Effects of Divorce on America” Executive Summary (Washington, D.C.: The Heritage Foundation, 5 June 2000 ). 

Originally posted at Improve My Marriage: Before You Divorce, Part II: Impact on Children and Later Regret


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

Yup. I see the damage divorce does on kids in my employment every day, very often nasty stuff.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

I believe that some people think just because the kids aren't crying their eyes out everyday, or that they have passed this stage, that they are now ok and no negative affects will ever occur. I disagree. I think divorce is tough on kids and I think every possible avenue for reconciliation should be exhausted before divorce. I think divorcing because someone is "unhappy" because they don't get their toast buttered on the right side is very selfish and immature.


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

southbound said:


> I believe that some people think just because the kids aren't crying their eyes out everyday, or that they have passed this stage, that they are now ok and no negative affects will ever occur. I disagree. I think divorce is tough on kids and I think every possible avenue for reconciliation should be exhausted before divorce. I think divorcing because someone is "unhappy" because they don't get their toast buttered on the right side is very selfish and immature.


:iagree: Most divorces are the direct result of years of selfishness on one (or usually both) spouses.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

I think there is a impact on kids and divorce and I also think there is a impact on kids whose parents remain in unhealthy marriages too. Some would rather come from a broken home, than remain in one.


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

CallaLily said:


> I think there is a impact on kids and divorce and I also think there is a impact on kids whose parents remain in unhealthy marriages too. Some would rather come from a broken home, than remain in one.


Amen on that!

I have a few friends whose parents got divorced, and some whose parents remained married regardless of the bad situation they were in. 

A friend of mine whose parents got divorced when she was 10 is to this day so grateful her parents divorced. I know thats hard to believe, because most kids want their families to remain together. However even at 10 years old she was able to notice the negative impact by her parents staying together it had on the family. Of course they tried marriage counseling and everything first, so its not like they just threw in the towel off the bat. I remember her telling me "a 10 year old shouldn't have to go through all that crap". (her words to me) IMO she seems like she is just fine. Yes some are not and greatly effected by their parents divorcing, however in her case she turned out ok. 

Then I know of a friend of mine whose family remained married even though they probably should have divorced. She has told me the great dysfunction in which both her and her younger sister now face and have to deal with in adulthood because of her parents choices. She has major problems from them staying together, lots of fears and phobias. Of course she blames them and wished they had divorced. Her and her sister both are in therapy, they both have lots of resentment and anger towards their parents. Part of their therapy is dealing with the anger/resentment and how to heal. 

So I guess it depends. I too think kids can be effected by divorce but I think they can be just as effected if not more sometimes by parents remaining together as well.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Ok, I am going to play Devil's advocate here. I came from divorced parents, and even though I disliked living with my step Mother in my teen yrs, I in no way felt my dad & my MOm should have stayed together for me. It was too unhealthy, they were too mismatched. Got married too young, they grew apart, had so little in common. 

My step mother was my dad's soul mate, and I am SO happy he found her, they travel together, they laugh together , they are amazing together, so I had a wonderful example witnessing their bond in my teenages years till now. My Dad was in the hospital for surgery, me & her in the waiting room, she was on pins & needles waiting to hear from the Doc, she started telling me how he is the love of her life, their could never be another, she has lived it . I started to tear up. 

I remember the ugly fights with my dad & Mom. 

I think people should ultimately be HAPPY. Yes of coarse, they should do their da**est to figure it out and make it work- IF IT IS WORKABLE. I know for my mom & my dad, it was NOT workable! They were just too different , the goals, hopes, dreams, desires were just not there. 

One can try to be unselfish for the other for a time, but if we are truly not happy, it is going to wither and die a slow resentful death. Some may even blame the children! If parents aren't genuinely laughing & enjoy each others company at least half of the time, serioulsy why stay? 

So the kids can grow up and see a warped unloving unconnecting view of marraige. This is not living, this is surviving, it is hollow. 

I guess I look more at PREVENTING a bad match 1st (thsi is where my parents screwed up) , I don't think most people KNOW who they are -let alone show their partner the REAL them , the flaws as well as the good, so they know what they signed up for.

Kids need to be raised by HAPPY fullfilled parents, just as much as they need shelter. I think I turned out alright. If my dad & Mom stayed for me, Heck, I would kick them both in the butt for giving me a horrendous view of marraige. I have 2 cousins who complained that their parents should have divorced much earlier, instead of waiting till they went to college, they lived in a silent treatment household, one going, one staying , devoid fo love & connection, devoid of laughter. 

When one changes and is UNbending (for whatever reason), unwilling to seek marrage counseling, unwilling to try, years have passed, depression sets in , people become NUMB to each other, it needs to be put out of its misery. 

ONe can not work with the unworkable. The children would even be happy to see it end. 

And some kids grow up thinking it is their fault, they just want HAPPY parents. Pink wrote this about her turblulent childhood http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hSjIz8oQuko


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

I also would like to add, my husbands parents chose to stay together. Well his mother did, his dad could have cared less. She told me she stayed for the kids, not for money reasons but for the kids. She is 79 years old and walks around like eyeore. Yep its sad. She has told me numerous times she stayed for the kids she did what she thought was best and now at 79 years old with 3 grown kids now sees it was not for the best. She told me her depression comes from her choices. All three kids have major issues and yes the majority of it comes from their parents staying together. His mother even told me, I wished I would have divorced him back then. Hopefully the therapist can help them move forward.


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## nicole2009 (Apr 26, 2011)

I also come from a divorced family. My parents divorced when I was 9 years old and even at that age I knew what was going on. I am glad my parents divorced. It gave me a more stable childhood. When my dad was around he never spent any time with us and we would beg him to. Once they got divorced and he was never around it was easier for me to deal with. Having someone there fighting, arguing, and neglecting you was a lot harder than the divorce.


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## nicole2009 (Apr 26, 2011)

Yea that's how I felt about my mom. My dad cheated so many times before she left him.


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

Always going to be sucess stories, glad it worked out for some. On the other hand, imagine being the other spouse and have your child sexually abused/ or assulted by the new man.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Although my children were older teenagers when our marriage finally came to an end, I worry about them a lot. The economic impact has made things very difficult. Going from an annual family income of $350K to my income of practically nothing over the past two years has caused a lot of problems for them and me. I have been on the receiving end of some of their anger. This particular aspect of the article gets much attention in therapy sessions.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

CallaLily said:


> I think there is a impact on kids and divorce and I also think there is a impact on kids whose parents remain in unhealthy marriages too. Some would rather come from a broken home, than remain in one.


That was me!


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## luvintokyo (May 10, 2010)

My mum stayed but how I wished she left, the list of dysfunction is endless I personally dont believe in this statistics. Too many people suffer in silence and these children just continue the tragedy with their next generation. If its not healthy it needs to be worked on, if its not workable it needs to end. Life is not a dress rehearsal.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Riverside MFT said:


> • Children whose parents have divorced are increasingly the victims of abuse. They exhibit more health, behavioral, and emotional problems, are involved more frequently in crime and drug abuse, and have higher rates of suicide.
> 
> • Children of divorced parents perform more poorly in reading, spelling, and math. They are also more likely to repeat a grade and to have higher dropout rates and lower rates of college graduation.
> 
> ...


Not one of your better posts. 

You will always be able to find some study where "they" agree with you. But get to know actual people and you'll find "they" don't know what they're talking about. Living in a bubble isn't good for anyone.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

It seems there are a lot of successful divorce stories here. I believe there are reasons for divorce and that sometimes being together could be worse on the children. I'm just talking about those selfish divorces where someone is looking for greener grass and doesn't realize how green it is at home.

In my situation, it came as a total shock to our kids. There was no arguing between my x wife and I or any mistreatment of the kids. I believe that our marriage was simply in a rut and needed a tune up. If my x had been willing to work at it, I honestly believe we would have been stronger than ever. If I had a million dollars, I would have bet that.

My daughter hates it. She has commented several times how she hates her life now and she hates the fact that my x is trying to see someone else, and I don't blame her. Why would she want some male goober hanging around when she had a perfectly good dad? 

I've also heard through the grapevine that my x isn't quit as happy as she thought she would be.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I guess I'm in the minority also. I happen to agree with the article from MY prospective. In my previous career I saw a lot of divorces over the years and the effect those divorces had on the family. True, I live in a poverty stricken area. Perhaps that is also factored into what I have seen. Maybe these things aren't readily apparent in more affluent societies.

"Selfish" is defined as the following in the dictionary:

adjective
(of a person, action, or motive) lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one's own personal profit or pleasure : I joined them for selfish reasons.

Clearly selfishness is to blame for many divorces. I know it was in my marriage. I put my family before my desires; my husband did not. He did not want to work on the marriage. He cheated. That is the ultimate display of selfishness.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

827Aug said:


> I guess I'm in the minority also. I happen to agree with the article from MY prospective. In my previous career I saw a lot of divorces over the years and the effect those divorces had on the family. True, I live in a poverty stricken area. Perhaps that is also factored into what I have seen. Maybe these things aren't readily apparent in more affluent societies.
> 
> Selfishness is defined as the following in the dictionary:
> 
> ...


I agree. I guess in today's society everybody has to be #1 and be super happy. I didn't hear this philosophy as much when I was growing up; perhaps that is what influences my opinion. I couldn't condone cheating or abuse, but aside from that, I could put up with a lot if I thought it would be better for the kids.


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

I love hearing about the success stories. There are those who let negative circumstances affect them, and those who develop a resiliency to overcome those obstacles. Overcoming the negative effects of divorce, whether children or parents, takes courage and a determination to continue to be happy despite these negative influences.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

For some people, sometimes divorce can be a blessing in disguise.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

It is interesting that people say that it can be better for the children if the two parents divorced. My contention is that if the two parents would put the other's needs above their own, they would fall in love and be very happy as a byproduct. It's not easy, but very rewarding and can bring a very cool environment to children. Of course, if people aren't willing to stop feeding their own desires, they will end up screwing up the next relationship too.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Dedicated2Her said:


> It is interesting that people say that it can be better for the children if the two parents divorced. My contention is that if the two parents would put the other's needs above their own, they would fall in love and be very happy as a byproduct. It's not easy, but very rewarding and can bring a very cool environment to children. Of course, if people aren't willing to stop feeding their own desires, they will end up screwing up the next relationship too.


:iagree::iagree:


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

So I'm still in a post DDay divorce contemplation stage...and I'm torn. 

My own parents divorced once we kids were old enough - mom stayed with a verbally abusive dad for too long, and left when I finished high school. What's odd is it was both devastating to me (nearly had a nervous breakdown, even though I was old enough to know better), and long-term beneficial to them both.

So I sit here contemplating this: Will my own son be better off with me staying in the home, essentially being "ok"; not unhappy really (wife is working hard at R, but I feel the wall I've built up emotionally definitely going to always be there to some degree), me always suspicious, always hurt or triggered at known times/events and unexpectedly, always knowing what she's done lingering under the surface; knowing that I wasn't enough, she wasn't in the marriage enough to not have her A, nor to stop it once it started... always having it there, with me a changed man forever - quicker to anger, far less apt to let things go, more insistent on being in control, and let's face it bitter about much of the past... yet I believe it may be better for him anyway, as time will heal more and more of me as it passes, and we'll get to enjoy each other, be a family, build new times and memories. 

But I'm not sure, and I wonder... if daddy left, stayed in his life of course, just separately; organized over-the-top pleasant times when we got them (mostly just weekends, I suppose, but I'd treasure them and appreciate them more)... and if one day I were really *happy* again, vs. 'getting by just fine with mommy' -- which would be better for him? 

Is it worth the trade-off of missing bedtime stories, wake-up cuddles, and all those small moments you cannot quantify until you miss them? Worth him physically having less material things because daddy is now supporting two households? I surely can't ask a 6 yr old, and I'm stymied that I'm unsure. I'm daddy; I am supposed to know everything. I am afraid of no man, but of doing this wrong, I am terrified.

What I know for certain is that *I don't know*, and I hate it.


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

2xLoser



Riverside MFT said:


> The first (myth) holds that if the parents are happier the children will be happier too…. Children are not considered separately from their parents; their needs, and even their thoughts are subsumed under the adult agenda…. Indeed, many adults who are trapped in very unhappy marriages would be surprised to learn that their children are relatively content. They don’t care if mom and dad sleep in different beds as long as the family is together….
> 
> Taken from Patrick R. Fagan, and Robert Rector, “The Effects of Divorce on America” Executive Summary (Washington, D.C.: The Heritage Foundation, 5 June 2000 ).
> 
> Originally posted at Improve My Marriage: Before You Divorce, Part II: Impact on Children and Later Regret


I would encourage you to stay. I also recently read a study where about 66% of divorced couples later regretted their decision to divorce and wished they had worked harder on their marriage. If your wife wants to work on the relationship, there may still be hope (though I am sure you are completely tired of your heart being ripped to pieces time and time again).


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