# What can I do?



## Thepoet (Sep 8, 2013)

So, I'll try and put my feelings and thoughts to paper as best as I can, but not sure I will be able to.

My partner and I have a great relationship and have had a great sex life in the past. But recently she has been slowing down and putting off which has really been cutting me up. 

I am 33 years old a high drive and prefer 1-3 times daily if I can get it. Previously this is what we would do, and she would seem into it and aggressive and passionate. Lately she has been replacing passionate involved positions with an impersonal spooning position (which she says is relaxing for her). Which is ok some of the time, I like to mix it up and don't mind any position, but it has become the main position she pushes for, as well she has been lowering frequency, so we will only have good passionate involved sex about 1 time a week and then maybe 3-4 times a week of the spooning position, which just doesn't do it for me. Sure she says that I can come in any time I want, but it just doesn't do it for me if she is not involved in it. I have asked her what she needs to be more turned on again and to get more aggressive, and I have worked to do those things, random hugging, snuggling, kissing around the house among other things. But recently she has even been turning away from the kisses after just a few seconds. I have asked her if there is something wrong with the way I am kissing her, which she says no, and I think my technique is good. I do not have excess tongue or saliva. Then she tells me she just doesn't like kissing and just does it for me. But this is completely opposite what she told me previously in the relationship, she said before that she loves kissing and even told me that I wasn't a passionate enough kisser (back then a few years ago) But since that time I have increased the passion of my kisses, and now she says she doesn't like kissing. It's the same answer when I ask about the sex, previously she said she was high drive and always wanted it (And it showed), now she says the opposite, that she doesn't want it that often. 

I told her that I love kissing, but only if she also loves kissing me back. Why not just kiss and f*ck a wall if she won't reciprocate desire? I'm dying on the inside, and it's starting to affect my overall attitude which is beginning to seep out into the rest of the relationship.

What can I do?


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Because things have changed so much between you it seems that something is going on with her. I doubt that it is the way you kiss or anything else. She is raising an emotional blockade and this is exhibiting in the way she will not show sexual intimacy.

Of course I don't know her but some possibilities could be resentment over something that has happened between you two, depression, loss of self esteem on her part.

Instead of asking about the kissing or positions, if you haven't already it might be time to lay it out exactly as you have here. Something has happened and she is refusing to address it or level with you on what it is.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

MissScarlet is so correct here.

This isn't about sex or how you do it. Sex is merely the victim of whatever else is going on with her.

Think hard about the timing. Did anything occur between you, especially something that could have been building, in the months before? 

Whatever it is that's bothering her, it is super important.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

If she does not know or will not say what might be decreasing her libido there is not much you can do. Could be just normal aging or matured relationship issues. Has she talked with her doctor?


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## Thepoet (Sep 8, 2013)

Sorry I have not responded. I spoke to her about this issue, and have spoken to her previously as well. 

The relationship suffered an unavoidable period of long distance, prior to January. This lasted about 6 months until we were able to be together again in January of this year. During this time I emotionally and mentally needed any sort of intimate connection with her, so I asked for us to cyber as we had done previously on a separate stretch of long distance. However she denied this this time around, saying that after having been together in person she could not be intimate over long distance. 

I still had this need so I still pushed for this and complained that my moods were plummeting. Now she says that she has some resentment over the me pushing during the long distance period, and says that I was pushing again. She claims I make a mountain out of sex and turn it into a chore (because I need the intimacy) She says that "other men would be thrilled in your situation" because like I said before, she allows me sex pretty much any time, but it is not the sex that I need. She says "sex is sex" and that I can't discount it just because it's not the position I want. I tell her, I need a connection between us during sex, I need to caress her and have her caress me back, I need to look into her eyes and kiss her. I tell her that varying up positions is great and all, but an impersonal position not face to face can't be our bread and butter.

When she tells me she doesn't desire passionate sex all the time like I do, I point out this was not true previously, which is when she says "that's because you have made it a chore and a mountain"

Her diet could also be affecting her desire levels as well. I have been helping her lose weight by controlling her food intake and helping her exercise daily. I feel that I have been very supportive and affectionate with her daily. When I told her this, she said I just do all that to try and get sex. I told her this isn't true, because I specifically do things that help her that completely work against me getting good passionate sex. Her weight is not a problem for me, I love her as she is and have always found her sexy and attractive (and tell her this all the time) but the weight is a very debilitating issue for her, so I work hard to help her with this issue so that she can be emotionally happier with herself. When she said I only do things for sex (like hug her or kiss her or hold her hand) I pointed out that if I really was doing things only for sex, I would just prepare her all the delicious foods she loves and selfishly benefit sexually. Because as I said before the weight is not an issue for me (other than for her personal health and well being, which obviously is very important to me, but not in relation to sex) I hope I said that clearly. Anyway, now she is very cold toward me since yesterday.

Anyway, I feel like she discounts my problem and claims I am just being greedy because I already get sex plenty. Am I just being greedy? Is it too much to want a face to face connection as the bread and butter of our sex life?


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

"Am I just being greedy?"

Hard to say, if this is something you would divorce over than no it is not greedy -it is your bare minimum need. 

If it is not than yes probably you just want it because you like it. 

Not that it is any fun to live without a little extra spice in life. I also have a wife that does not provide for all my desires -or even half for that matter. (although my wife was like that from the start whereas your wife is changing the rules on you)

LD women often use that tool (all you want is sex) There is not much defense against it. All you can say is: that is not all you want and you are interested in meeting any of her needs that she will tell you about. 

Most likely this is your new reality.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Maybe you and she should trade frequency for more intimacy. She is giving you one thing at the expense of herself and another.


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