# Is he cheating....online dating site help



## Fiona455 (Oct 12, 2019)

I need advice on something, i have googled for answers but still am at a lost. My boyfriend keeps getting emails from dating sites. But i saw two that say weclome your accout is now active. Both came in at the same time, they were in his trash folder. I questioned him about it and he said that they are old accouts when he was single and he cant unsubscribe to them. He showed me by clicking on email hitting unsubscribe and it saying page is down...i started doing it to all of them and same thing. But these two emails looked like he just signed up. I took screenshots but i dont know how to upload here. My question is, will you get spam emails looking like you just signed up to them?? I dont get any spam from anything i dont google. 
I dont want to make this too long but there's more as to why im so confuse


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

I don't know much about dating sites, but his explanation sounds suspicious. I can see them sending messages to get a client to re-engage, but sending them as "welcome" messages seems unlikely.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

two bits of wisdom here:
acknowledging this recent post


Lila said:


> It is called *group attribution error** =


 I've been told that ALL men cheat, so . . . .
And my own favorite Because trust is the thing that relationships are made of, Since you don't trust, the relationship is over. you just haven't accepted it yet.


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## Fiona455 (Oct 12, 2019)

Those are my thoughts too. I went to his history and saw two things that bothered me ..sexmessager and best dating site. I took a picture for proof later. I confronted him later and thats when he said it was emails he was unsub. from.. he gave me his phone and said do what ever you need to do but im not doing anything wrong. Take it to someone/place to dig into. Later on when i was calm i saw the picture i took of his google history and noticed that it said the whole http: website unsubscribe , which is what he was saying he did / does because he gets them everyday. But since i went on his trash folder i see that two said your account is active now. To me it seems like he signed up to them the day before. But if i hadn't seen his history and the fact he was deleting i would of thought he was vitsiting the sites not deleting. So part of his story makes sense.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

So, have him log IN to those accounts and show you that nothing is active since you've been dating.


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## Fiona455 (Oct 12, 2019)

Trust is important in a relationship, without trust there is no relationship. I get that and it sounds good in a black and white world. But to me these are red flags , gut feeling that make me question the person im with. I will never ever trust someone 100% without a doubt. I have issuesof trust !! Im a great as person as can be but i will have trust problems with everyone i date. I wont make them a problem in the relationship, just in my head. Unless i find something that makes me question it.. its funny you say this because he said the same thing. He said 4 years together and you dont trust me ,then what are we doing here if you dont trust me. I dont know. Love i guess but i dont want to be played.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

I know I've received spam like that. Not from dating sites, but for other things. I'm sure I've gotten spam that says "Your account is active", "Your refund is ready", "Your shipment is being sent", etc. They're hoping you log in to see what it's about. You're right to be worried, but it really could just be spam. One explanation is that his original dating site got hacked and now spammers are creating these spams for other sites to try to get him to sign up.

As for trust, 4 years is a trivial amount of time compared to some of the stories here. People have cheated after decades together. The sad fact is that you can never trust someone 100% no matter how long you are with them or how well you know them. But that doesn't mean that you have to assume they are a cheater at all times. You can assume the best in someone, but you should also not dismiss warning signs.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Fiona455 said:


> he gave me his phone and said do what ever you need to do but im not doing anything wrong. Take it to someone/place to dig into.


If you can afford that, do it. Go get a digital forensic detective. 

One thing you might do is take his phone and look at the site that are in his spam folder. Go to the sites and see if you can reset his password using the email address of the phone. If it works like most sites it will give you a reset password email, and it will probably use his email address that is sending emails to as the user account or it might list the user account on the reset page or just bring you into the site after you reset then you can look up his user name. The point being then you can get in the site and check to see the activity. If he is telling the truth there will not be any activity over the course of your fidelity.

How long have you been exclusive (dating/married) by the way? It it relatively short or are we talking years? If it's short then maybe he is telling the truth, if it is years then sounds real fishy.

One more thing, NOT ALL MEN CHEAT!


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Fiona455 said:


> ....he gave me his phone and said do what ever you need to do but im not doing anything wrong. Take it to someone/place to dig into.


He is so arrogant and smarmy. He's giving you the same line of bull**** some cheaters give their betrayed spouses when they 'offer' to take a polygraph test to prove their _innocence_. 

And these PHONIES make these ridiculous offers for *one* reason: because they know damned well you're not going to take them up on it. 

Now it's possible his phone _could _be clean because he's doing all his monkey business on a burner phone or an iPad or his work computer, and he simply logged into his email from his regular phone to DELETE those emails before you saw them. Unfortunately for him, you happened to see them anyway and saw what they said. So yes, it's possible his regular phone _is_ clean and he only checked his email on it, while he's creating these profiles and interacting on these sites using some other form of electronic media. But if he guards his phone like most of these idiot cheaters do, then that pretty much tells the story.

Personally, I'd tell Casanova you want his phone RIGHT NOW because you're meeting with the forensics team at ABC Services (or whatever) in half an hour and he can have it back when you're done with it and bring it back home. Just WATCH how he squirms and worse, tries to get alone with his phone real quick to try to delete as much as he can before he hands it to you. Honestly? I think the liar will simply tell you you're not taking it. This guy is just one huge walking *cliche *whose behavior can be predicted just about every step of the way.

Secondly, what you're *NOT* getting is that all you're trying to do when you unsubscribe from the email is to stop the emails, *not* his account. The account will still exist. He can go into his profile on these sites and likely turn off the weekly mailing from there. And the likely reason these emails wouldn't go anywhere when you clicked on them is NOT because it's spam and he's innocent, it's because his email client has* disabled* links in emails as a safety measure against malware or viruses.

And of COURSE he wants to unsubscribe from getting those emails every week - why on earth would he play Russian Roulette every week on the chance that you'll see those emails before he can delete them? Of course he wants to unsubscribe!

Come on Fiona. You can only delude yourself so much before you just have to face reality, you know? So who are you going to believe - your husband, or your_* lying *_eyes? You saw what those emails said. You know exactly what he's up to.


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## Fiona455 (Oct 12, 2019)

I dont know how to reply to each post, im sorry.


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## Fiona455 (Oct 12, 2019)

I have his phone and when i tap on email there is no account on him just his email. Im talking about the two that send saying your account is active now. The others that come in are not from any sites because when i open email its a girl almost naked asking to chat but theres no loggin ,just says click here to confirm,in big blue letters. I never click because it looks like a trap to even more nasty pictures , it looks like spam.i also google email header and they dont show up so i can't see site.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

How long have you been together? How serious is this relationship?


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## Fiona455 (Oct 12, 2019)

Almost 4 years. We live together .


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## Fiona455 (Oct 12, 2019)

We are engaged. No set date yet.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

I get tons of emails from dating sites. These are spam email

Did you see a username in the welcome emails?

I have gotten several welcome emails from something called "adult list" i have never signed up for such a thing. I dont even know what it is, i dont even want to know. 


I'd be suspicious for sure. 

At this point I'd be looking into call/text history. One can't be too safe. 

I would also be looking into google activity. Even if history has been deleted, activity is a separate entity and needs to be deleted separately. This may tell you more then history. can't delete if they dont know it exists.

I hope he is telling you the truth.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Fiona455 said:


> Trust is important in a relationship, without trust there is no relationship. I get that and it sounds good in a black and white world. But *to me these are red flags , gut feeling that make me question the person im with*. I will never ever trust someone 100% without a doubt. I have issuesof trust !! Im a great as person as can be but i will have trust problems with everyone i date. I wont make them a problem in the relationship, just in my head. Unless i find something that makes me question it.. its funny you say this because he said the same thing. He said 4 years together and you dont trust me ,then what are we doing here if you dont trust me. I dont know. Love i guess but i dont want to be played.


 Listen to your gut - your intuition is trying to tell you something is wrong. At the time we have NO idea why, but it is there for a reason. 

I am extremely sensitive, so i pick up on things that are not right, quickly. Most of the time i dont know why. So i observe first. 

I also have trust issues and for good reason. I will never trust anyone 100% again. If at all.

Someone who is doing wrong, will lie and hide the truth even more when they know you're on to them.. they will delete anything incriminating. This is why you never give them the "tip off".

Do you feel he is being honest or do you feel he is lying?


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@Fiona455, 

I am a completely monogamous person in mind and body. I don't look at porn, and I love only one man. And here's what I have in my email inboxes and spam folders:

GMAIL:
Offers to lend me money
Coupons or discounts 
Various promotions
Some social stuff (Facebook, Linkedin, Quora, Pinterest)

HOTMAIL:
A BUNCH of local dating offers (hot women want me...Russian beauties...)
Some penis stuff (make it bigger, harder, last longer, etc.)
Health or medicinal offers
Political emails

YAHOO:
TONS of Instagram people liking me
Tophatter (a place that auctions stuff)

I don't get a tone of dating spam stuff but I do get some.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Fiona455 said:


> Those are my thoughts too. I went to his history and saw two things that bothered me ..sexmessager and best dating site. I took a picture for proof later. I confronted him later and thats when he said it was emails he was unsub. from.. he gave me his phone and said do what ever you need to do but im not doing anything wrong. Take it to someone/place to dig into. Later on when i was calm i saw the picture i took of his google history and noticed that it said the whole http: website unsubscribe , which is what he was saying he did / does because he gets them everyday. But since i went on his trash folder i see that two said your account is active now. To me it seems like he signed up to them the day before. But if i hadn't seen his history and the fact he was deleting i would of thought he was vitsiting the sites not deleting. So part of his story makes sense.


I get unsolicited emails from dating sites. Silver Sr Dating LOL. But yeah, your BF probably is getting unsolicited emails. I even get emails for the "little blue pill." LOL


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

This sounds more like spam. Do a google search on the name of the site, then do one with the name of the sites and the word spam with that name see what people are saying.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Personally, I'd tell Casanova you want his phone RIGHT NOW because you're meeting with the forensics team at ABC Services (or whatever) in half an hour and he can have it back when you're done with it and bring it back home. Just WATCH how he squirms and worse, tries to get alone with his phone real quick to try to delete as much as he can before he hands it to you. Honestly? I think the liar will simply tell you you're not taking it. This guy is just one huge walking *cliche *whose behavior can be predicted just about every step of the way.


This is a genius idea. I would be dressed nice and ready to walk out the door on his day off. IF he doesn’t make a fuss or spill his guts, use that time to go install a keylogger (others on here can help with this). 

Does he spend a tremendous amount of time on his phone? Does he guard it sometimes? Take it with him everywhere? Practically sleeps with it? Does he have a lot of apps that cheaters use to chat on? He could have so many different emails so that he can use them to sign in to online dating sites etc.

Unfortunately you showed your hand way to quick here, but what’s done is done. For others who read this thread...don’t confront immediately, take some time to evidence gather. I know it’s hard in an emotional situation to wait. 

Lastly I want to say, it is possible he is innocent. I get spam about hot girls in my area (picture included) wanting to talk to me. I guess the spam gods have decided I am a dude or gay. I have no clue why I get those.

BUT...the welcome emails...those I have never gotten, unless I have just joined something. To me, it sounds like he joined, and immediately realized he used his normal email, then went in and changed his email on the OLD site to one of the ones you don’t know about. That’s why you can’t sign in.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

wilson said:


> I know I've received spam like that. Not from dating sites, but for other things. I'm sure I've gotten spam that says "Your account is active", "Your refund is ready", "Your shipment is being sent", etc. They're hoping you log in to see what it's about. You're right to be worried, but it really could just be spam. One explanation is that his original dating site got hacked and now spammers are creating these spams for other sites to try to get him to sign up.
> 
> As for trust, 4 years is a trivial amount of time compared to some of the stories here. People have cheated after decades together. The sad fact is that you can never trust someone 100% no matter how long you are with them or how well you know them. But that doesn't mean that you have to assume they are a cheater at all times. You can assume the best in someone, but you should also not dismiss warning signs.


Yes. The "your account is now active" or "your appointment is now booked" are popular tools in the spammer's toolkit.

The idea is that someone panics, clicks on the link to cancel and the scammer then hopes to get a trojan on the computer. Or the victim calls a number to discuss it with "customer services" and gets a bill for hundreds of Dollars, Pounds or whatever their currency is.


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## Fiona455 (Oct 12, 2019)

Hi and thank you everyone for your responses. So no he doesn't spend time on his phone, almost none. No social media .Unless he gets a call from work which last anywhere from 2mins. max .He comes home and leaves his phone on table and takes a shower before dinner. His phone stays there till bedtime ( he uses it for alarm)on fridays, the phone stays on table till Sunday night ,again for the alarm for the start of a work week. We don't have a computer. He has a computer at work but it's not his personal computer, no office. It's just behind the counter at his work place where he does invoice. His cell phone is his work phone as well. He used to have a personal phone but he hated having two phones so he asked work if he could just make work phone his personal as well and pay part of bill. I had his phone that night because we had gone out with friends and he always puts his phone in my purse for safe keep. 

So I did try to open emails and see if there was any info to show he was a member. But I couldn't find anything. There was no user name or anything. Some didn't even have any way to look unless I clicked on this suspicious looking link in bold blue letters. I read that is is definitely spam and this is how they get you. When you click it knows email is active. So I learned real fast that the more you open them the more you get. I opened them before deleting and I was getting them 10 at a time..even in his inbox now.so I stopped opening them just deleted and now they are once or twice a day. 

I also took the phone to a phone store. No one from other stores would really deal with going through the phone to see if he was deleting history . But this one guy at a phone store said he would give it a shot.something about google cache. Don't know really but he also went under email history I believe and there was nothing. Just his unsubscribing. No porn sites or him on dating sites from his history. 

So that's where I'm at. 
I hate that this happened. I already have trust issues. It was kind of hard seeing/ and realizing how in a second your life with someone can be over ...just like that. If anything I hope he saw that too...if he did get away with something this time.i hope he also felt fear that just looking will leave him single. And we were able to talk again about what I consider cheating .


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Yeswecan said:


> I get unsolicited emails from dating sites. Silver Sr Dating LOL. But yeah, your BF probably is getting unsolicited emails. I even get emails for the "little blue pill." LOL


And do any of them welcome you and confirm your *NEW USER ACCOUNT*?

I'm betting they do not.



> But i saw two that say weclome your accout is now active. Both came in at the same time, they were in his trash folder. I questioned him about it and he said that they are old accouts when he was single and he cant unsubscribe to them.


Riiiiiight. "Old" accounts ALWAYS welcome *long-standing members* to their "now active" accounts. Does this guy actually listen to how stupid he sounds when he's lying to you? 

So I'll ask you again - who are you going to believe? Him or your *lying eyes*?

Fiona, I can clearly see you're very much trying to talk yourself into believing it was 'spam.' And if that's what helps you get through the night, I get it. I think most of us have done the same thing at one time or another in our lives.

One of the biggest problems betrayed spouses have is *confronting too soon*. Unfortunately, when those emails confirming his new dating profiles came in (and he DOES have 2 new dating profiles even though you want to believe it's 'spam') and you saw them and confronted him about them, that was a huge head's up for him that you're now highly suspicious. He gave you that utterly ridiculous story about both profiles being two "old" accounts - yet BOTH miraculously felt the need to *welcome him* to his "old" accounts. Does that REALLY make sense to you?

And then - as if by magic - both disappeared before you could look at them again. Why would he feel the need to delete them if they're 'old?' The guy is SUCH a liar.

Confronting him too soon just made him get a lot sneakier - which he's done. Look, cheaters may be slimy but most of them aren't so *stupid* that they'll repeat the same mistake TWICE just so they can get caught again.

What they _do_ is find a *different* way to conduct their monkey business - one you don't know about. Of course his phone has been sanitized and wiped clean! That's what got him caught the FIRST time. I wouldn't expect any less from him - unless he's dumber than a box of rocks. He's possibly got a burner phone, he's got one of those privacy apps that hides certain apps on his cell so you'll *never* see them no matter how much you look on his phone, or he's using only his work computer to access his accounts and communicate with women on the dating sites. I also think when you're not around, he's likely accessing his secret email account simply using a privacy/incognito tab in his browser on his phone which won't show up in his history or leave a trail for you to find.

Again, this isn't rocket science - it's what they do.

You'll catch him again. It may take a year, it may take two...but you *WILL *catch him again. And we'll be here when you do.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Fiona455 said:


> Those are my thoughts too. I went to his history and saw two things that bothered me ..sexmessager and best dating site. I took a picture for proof later. I confronted him later and thats when he said it was emails he was unsub. from.. he gave me his phone and said do what ever you need to do but im not doing anything wrong. Take it to someone/place to dig into. Later on when i was calm i saw the picture i took of his google history and noticed that it said the whole http: website unsubscribe , which is what he was saying he did / does because he gets them everyday. But since i went on his trash folder i see that two said your account is active now. To me it seems like he signed up to them the day before. But if i hadn't seen his history and the fact he was deleting i would of thought he was vitsiting the sites not deleting. So part of his story makes sense.


Fiona455, he is up to something. However, you showed your hand too early. Please stop confronting him as now if he is up to something he will go deeper and make it more difficult to catch him. Say you are sorry for confronting him, kiss him and thank him for being so kind to be open with his phone. Then watch, wait and listen, act normal as possible. If you can put a VAR in his car and wait. If he is connecting with women, he may even talk over the phone in his car. Don't let him know you are snooping.


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## Fiona455 (Oct 12, 2019)

Fiona455, he is up to something. However, you showed your hand too early. Please stop confronting him as now if he is up to something he will go deeper and make it more difficult to catch him. Say you are sorry for confronting him, kiss him and thank him for being so kind to be open with his phone. Then watch, wait and listen, act normal as possible. If you can put a VAR in his car and wait. If he is connecting with women, he may even talk over the phone in his car. Don't let him know you are snooping.
@aine
Hi. So I don't know if you read my last post. But no he was not up to something ( cheating) I took phone to go through history...nothing. these emails that I am calling dating sites are NOT dating sites ,they don't even exist. I Google for them. When clicked open the one that said account now active....it was not active. There was a naked girl looking like porn and said open to chat with me ...I want to. He doesn't have a user name. They sent these emails hoping someone will open and hoping someone does click on these links so they can get you. I also did a lot of reading on spam email (especially porn looking dating sites. Yes this is how they send them . I know it is my fault for not being very clear and making it sound like real dating sites like eHarmony match.com . As for him cheating in real life with a real life person, no. I don't have any got feelings about that. The tape recorder in his car would not work because he calls me as he is locking up work and we talk till he gets home...its something we always did since before I moved in with him. And if I gets a call during drive home and he gets off with me he calls me back in under a minute, crazy as I am I would check his phone log when he went to shower to see who it was, and it was work. 
My mom caught my dad this way. after 36 years together. And him cheating on her throughout their whole marriage. She had a feeling and we went to a dr.app he was supposed to go with us and changed his mind at last minute, she decided to put the recorder underneath their bed in their bedroom and went she had a chance she checked it there was nothing as she was falling asleep later that night he was downstairs watching the news of drinking coffee it occurred to her that she hadn't to flip the cassette to check the other side and when she did she heard a full conversation he was having with his new mistress. I do believe this is where my trust issues come from.


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## Fiona455 (Oct 12, 2019)

As you can see I still don't know how to reply to individuals. That last post was to @aine about the recorder idea.


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## Fiona455 (Oct 12, 2019)

Yes. The "your account is now active" or "your appointment is now booked" are popular tools in the spammer's toolkit.
The idea is that someone panics, clicks on the link to cancel and the scammer then hopes to get a trojan on the computer. Or the victim calls a number to discuss it with "customer services" and gets a bill for hundreds of Dollars, Pounds or whatever their currency is.
@MattMatt Yes this is exactly what happened. I have never received spam mail from dating sites or p*** site so I wasn't aware how they work . So when I saw" your account is active now" I thought he must of done it. I opened them and he started getting around 30 to 40 emails from those that I opened. Clearly not dating sites because I couldn't find a legitimate website to sign up. They even started going to inbox . I read you should not open them because this let's them know email is active.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Fiona455 said:


> As you can see I still don't know how to reply to individuals. That last post was to @aine about the recorder idea.


 Each post has links at the bottom: Quote, Multiquote, Quick reply
Click on Quote and the text for the person you want to quote will be in the box.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Ok, so it looks like you might have overreacted?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> And do any of them welcome you and confirm your *NEW USER ACCOUNT*?
> 
> I'm betting they do not.


I do not read any of them. I delete immediately. However, the emails concerning my rich uncle in South Africa who has dies again and my SS#/bank info being needed as my dead once again rich uncle had left me his fortune. I comply immediately. Point it, these emails could say anything including your account has been activated. CONFIRM USER ACCOUNT....click...in comes a virus.


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