# How to deal with an angry husband?



## Sosowa (May 22, 2019)

Hi everyone, I’m looking for answers from both man and women from their experiences..

My husband is really a good man. But when he loses his temper he gets scaring and he asks to be alone with no talk.
As for me I can’t stand it when we not talking or when our conversation gets really cold and short.
Even when he’s wrong with me I keep trying to make things better but he doesn’t that easy guy.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Respect his wishes.
You may need him to be scary if an intruder comes into your house...right?
Every real man has a beast inside. It's learning how to tame it and control it that's the trick.
It's the age old Beauty and the beast story....ETC.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Sosowa said:


> Hi everyone, I’m looking for answers from both man and women from their experiences..
> 
> My husband is really a good man. But when he loses his temper he gets scaring and he asks to be alone with no talk.
> As for me I can’t stand it when we not talking or when our conversation gets really cold and short.
> Even when he’s wrong with me I keep trying to make things better but he doesn’t that easy guy.


The worst thing you can do with me is to try to engage while I'm still angry. Asking to be alone (a.k.a removing myself from the situation) is sometimes the only thing that keeps an irritation from becoming a full fledged war. I'm not always rational when I'm angry, and if you're in the vicinity, prepare to get bit. Keep pressing the issue in the moment? Grr...

Though by scary, I hope you don't mean physically threatening. That's a problem. He should also be able to discuss it LATER when the emotions have cooled.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Some people just need cooling off periods. Trying to talk sense to them is just counter productive. Better to just table it for a few hours or a day even when emotions have cooled.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Sosowa said:


> Hi everyone, I’m looking for answers from both man and women from their experiences..
> 
> My husband is really a good man. But when he loses his temper he gets scaring and he asks to be alone with no talk.
> As for me I can’t stand it when we not talking or when our conversation gets really cold and short.
> Even when he’s wrong with me I keep trying to make things better but he doesn’t that easy guy.


Describe scary. Is the anger pointed at you? I'm believing it is. What sets him off? Anger management classes may be in order.


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## LimaTango (May 7, 2019)

Guys definitely need some cooling off time. Do not engage too early. Give him space.

Not sure if anyone else liked the book but I thought "Men are from Mars Women are from Venus" had a pretty good chapter or two about how men and women deal with stress very differently.


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

I hate getting the silent treatment, but it is exactly how I tend to deal with issues myself. He shouldn't need a LOT of time, but taking time does help. It lets the hormones settle down and also gives you time to think, away from the issue.


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## Sosowa (May 22, 2019)

BigToe said:


> I hate getting the silent treatment, but it is exactly how I tend to deal with issues myself. He shouldn't need a LOT of time, but taking time does help. It lets the hormones settle down and also gives you time to think, away from the issue.


Me too , cold treatment and negligence is just kills me. The thing i get afraid of is if I give him space (sometimes it takes him 2 to 3 days to cool down and start talking) that Affects our relationship. I know it won’t be a perfect moment to discuss the problem when he is mad but i rather a time off must not take over than 2 hours.
Or 4hours max.
Otherwise it going to be a disconnection concerning the both sides.( he will be used to “prefer”to be alone than talking about the things that caused the argument)


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## Sosowa (May 22, 2019)

Yeswecan said:


> Sosowa said:
> 
> 
> > Hi everyone, I’m looking for answers from both man and women from their experiences..
> ...


He yells at me and says stupid things


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## Sosowa (May 22, 2019)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> Some people just need cooling off periods. Trying to talk sense to them is just counter productive. Better to just table it for a few hours or a day even when emotions have cooled.


Yes totally agree with you, but sometimes it takes a long time to get back normal. And by this time he cooled down It my turn to get mad or upset because he takes a long while to talk to me


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## Sosowa (May 22, 2019)

StillSearching said:


> Respect his wishes.
> You may need him to be scary if an intruder comes into your house...right?
> Every real man has a beast inside. It's learning how to tame it and control it that's the trick.
> It's the age old Beauty and the beast story....ETC.


he is a real man I’m sure. But anger sometimes does the best on him


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Sosowa said:


> he is a real man I’m sure. But anger sometimes does the best on him


I don't know why it isn't required of the entire forum that the first response to any question include the caveat that you cannot change someone else unless they want to change.

If you cannot live like this, you have to make him want to change. I know, it's unfair, and it places the burden on you. But it is also the reality of the human species. 

Do you have any ideas on what would motivate him to see this as something in his marriage that he should work on? Maybe have a conversation like - "Ok, you have two hours to cool down and discuss this rationally. Anything longer, and I'm going out dancing with friends. Don't forget to leave on the light when you go to bed". Or something. 

I think you know what the other alternatives include.


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

Sosowa said:


> Hi everyone, I’m looking for answers from both man and women from their experiences..
> 
> My husband is really a good man. But when he loses his temper he gets scaring and he asks to be alone with no talk.
> As for me I can’t stand it when we not talking or when our conversation gets really cold and short.
> Even when he’s wrong with me I keep trying to make things better but he doesn’t that easy guy.


As soon as you notice he is angry, do not speak to him. get a pen and paper and write him a message asking him to call you when he is happier. Then get out and go to your mum's and wait for his call. Do not call him. Do this three or four times and he will know what exactly is going to happen if he gets angry.


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## Sosowa (May 22, 2019)

MaiChi said:


> Sosowa said:
> 
> 
> > Hi everyone, I’m looking for answers from both man and women from their experiences..
> ...


I wish that would work but it’s more complicated


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Aren't you in a long-distance marriage and only see him once a year?


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## Jenniferallen (May 10, 2019)

Sosowa said:


> He yells at me and says stupid things


Stupid things, like . . .?

Does he name call?

How much time typically goes by before he is willing to discuss the issue calmly?

I have to comment about the oft mentioned “anger management”, a favorite of misguided judges everywhere, who should know better.

Anger management is almost always, at best, useless; at worst, a smokescreen for abuse. There is virtually no standardization for what constitutes anger management treatment. It can be a nifty little racket.

Some people absolutely do, indeed, need a time out when they are angry. Props to anyone who recognizes when they are getting into the red zone and removes themselves from the situation. Partners have to learn to accept and respect their need for space.

It’s also important to be able to recognize the differences between healthy conflict and boundary setting vs verbal abuse and stonewalling.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

What part of your past makes you so scared of rejection that you have decided to accept a man on the other side of the Earth as your "husband"?

The distance between serves as some sort of buffer to some past experience ..... What is it that makes you choose this circumstance as acceptable?


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## Sosowa (May 22, 2019)

Mr.Married said:


> What part of your past makes you so scared of rejection that you have decided to accept a man on the other side of the Earth as your "husband"?
> 
> The distance between serves as some sort of buffer to some past experience ..... What is it that makes you choose this circumstance as acceptable?


 NOTHING. I had no past no obligation none pushed me to marry him.
Simply i married him because I feel in love with him. And we meant to be for each other that’s it.


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## Sosowa (May 22, 2019)

Mr.Married said:


> What part of your past makes you so scared of rejection that you have decided to accept a man on the other side of the Earth as your "husband"?
> 
> The distance between serves as some sort of buffer to some past experience ..... What is it that makes you choose this circumstance as acceptable?


 I’m not scared of any rejection like you assume. I’m always the one who used to finish a relationship with my exs . I always had the choice and the decision.
But with him it’s different. I’m totally in love with him and I can’t imagine my life without him despite everything. In the end of day he still my gift from God and he is special to me


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## Sosowa (May 22, 2019)

Mr.Married said:


> What part of your past makes you so scared of rejection that you have decided to accept a man on the other side of the Earth as your "husband"?
> 
> The distance between serves as some sort of buffer to some past experience ..... What is it that makes you choose this circumstance as acceptable?


 i learned that when you love you do a lot of sacrifices (with love). I know it’s not easy to be physically in distance but it worth it for me.


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## Sosowa (May 22, 2019)

Jenniferallen said:


> Sosowa said:
> 
> 
> > He yells at me and says stupid things
> ...


 stupid things like: I’m tired of drama, you itching for fights, you don’t understand..


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Sosowa said:


> Yes totally agree with you, but sometimes it takes a long time to get back normal. And by this time he cooled down It my turn to get mad or upset because he takes a long while to talk to me


It sounds like the two of you are dysfunctional. He gets mad and lashes out, then calms down and then you think it is your turn to punish him for what he did.

Do you live in different parts of the world as another poster said? If that is the case, it will be impossible to do MC or other work to help the marriage.

Willard Harley, who wrote His Needs Her Needs says that a married couple need 15 hours of one-on-one time each week to keep the marriage together. I'm not sure that talking on the phone counts.

Why would you even want to be married to someone you can't physically be with? Most people want to be physically near the person they are married to, hold hands, kiss, look in each other's eyes, make love regularly. Don't you need those things? If you don't, why not? Does he need those things? He is probably getting those things from someone else, and that is why he is able to not contact you for long periods of time.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

How old are the two of you?


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## Sosowa (May 22, 2019)

Araucaria said:


> Sosowa said:
> 
> 
> > Yes totally agree with you, but sometimes it takes a long time to get back normal. And by this time he cooled down It my turn to get mad or upset because he takes a long while to talk to me
> ...


 can you share me the book “His needs her needs “please ?


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## Sosowa (May 22, 2019)

Araucaria said:


> How old are the two of you?


me 25 him 47


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> Some people just need cooling off periods. Trying to talk sense to them is just counter productive. Better to just table it for a few hours or a day even when emotions have cooled.


Tabling the discussion for an hour while one party goes for a walk to calm down is one thing, and more than reasonable. Tabling it for hours or a day is not, especially when the other party waiting is already anxious or distressed.



Sosowa said:


> me 25 him 47


Oh boy...


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## Sosowa (May 22, 2019)

Sosowa said:


> Araucaria said:
> 
> 
> > How old are the two of you?
> ...


 I know 2 different generations


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Sosowa said:


> me 25 him 47


Yeah, he's not going to change.... or even grow up at this point. He is what he is and he knows his best years are behind him.

You, on the other hand, are just starting out and have a life of promise ahead of you. Promise you can't fulfill with this angry old man.


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## Sosowa (May 22, 2019)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Sosowa said:
> 
> 
> > me 25 him 47
> ...


Why you all assuming that it won’t work because of the age difference?!


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Sosowa said:


> Hi everyone, I’m looking for answers from both man and women from their experiences..
> 
> My husband is really a good man. But when he loses his temper he gets scaring and he asks to be alone with no talk.
> As for me I can’t stand it when we not talking or when our conversation gets really cold and short.
> Even when he’s wrong with me I keep trying to make things better but he doesn’t that easy guy.


You really have to learn to be patient. It's a hard skill. Are you a child of divorce by any chance? The thing is sometimes people need time to think about what they are going to say. In those cases you have to wait, you can say things like, this is not over or we are still going to talk about this. Not everything has to be solved right at that moment.

By the way this is different then him lashing out at you in anger.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

2 days is excessive. What a wuss. You married someone that could be your dad and he’s a whiney toddler it sounds like. How annoying. Did he do this while you were dating? No thanks...


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Sosowa said:


> Why you all assuming that it won’t work because of the age difference?!


It's not just the age difference. If his behavior is as you describe, that is what will make things not work. The age differential just exacerbates the underlying problems.

And it's not even the age differential; its hus behavior st his age. That doesn't bode well no matter your age. If his wife was also 47, it would still look like a rocky and potentially impassable road.

I only mentioned your age to point out that you have a long life ahead of you and you deserve to live it without such negativity.


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## Sosowa (May 22, 2019)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Sosowa said:
> 
> 
> > Why you all assuming that it won’t work because of the age difference?!
> ...


 I understand your point


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## Sosowa (May 22, 2019)

Spicy said:


> 2 days is excessive. What a wuss. You married someone that could be your dad and he’s a whiney toddler it sounds like. How annoying. Did he do this while you were dating? No thanks...


 no we been all fine before we get married.


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## Sosowa (May 22, 2019)

Sosowa said:


> Rocky Mountain Yeti said:
> 
> 
> > Sosowa said:
> ...


Now he is blaming it all on me and says that I have the key of our happiness in my hand . He assumes that me who makes him annoyed and mad and takes this marriage miserable and he even start losing interest in marriage..... all that because of my attitude he said


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## Sosowa (May 22, 2019)

Spicy said:


> 2 days is excessive. What a wuss. You married someone that could be your dad and he’s a whiney toddler it sounds like. How annoying. Did he do this while you were dating? No thanks...


 if only he could be like my dad i would be grateful (i mean treatment...) a dad never makes his girl feel sad and cry ... 
maybe it’s difficult to understand my case due to a lot of factors (your culture and creed are totally different from mine)


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You DONT deal with an angry husband. Eff that. Been through it twice, filed divorce on each. 

The silent treatment is abuse. It’s the way they try manipulate and control you. 



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## iamoookkkk (Jun 2, 2019)

If he let himself to speak wth you like that ,than he is not a good man,i think like that.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

I take that back. Maybe the two of you need to begin with Love Busters, by the same author, Willard Harley. After you finish that, read His Needs Her Needs.

https://www.amazon.com/Love-Busters...PG6TDMTZQYZ&psc=1&refRID=CZAVFZ8W9PG6TDMTZQYZ


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