# What do I need to do?



## Kim333 (3 mo ago)

I have been married for three months. I have no children, I don’t want anything from my husband, and we have no joint accounts. I just want to move out and live my life alone, so that I can feel okay again.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

talk to a lawyer


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## Kim333 (3 mo ago)

If I am unable to move out until December then will talking to a lawyer now result in my husband finding out now that I plan to leave? I have had talks with him about the problems in our relationship and he does not want to see them. He thinks that everything is either my fault or that I am blowing things out of proportion. If he found out now that I wanted to leave my life would become a living hell. I would not be able to focus on my work, his parents would be yelling at me and I would have nowhere to go to have some peace and quiet to concentrate on my work.
Would going to a lawyer Result in my husband being notified about it now?


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Pretty sure it’s illegal for a lawyer to tell your husband. The only problem would be money. Do you have access to money that he isn’t tracking?


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## Kim333 (3 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Pretty sure it’s illegal for a lawyer to tell your husband. The only problem would be money. Do you have access to money that he isn’t tracking?


We have not had time yet to create a joint account. He really wanted to but thankfully hasn’t gotten around to it yet. Therefore, I have some money in my savings that I can use if need be. Would a lawyer be very expensive in this case?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Not sure about non-U.S. laws but if he doesn’t agree to the divorce, and contests it, there’s a possibility it definitely could become expensive. A non-contested divorce is always the easier path.


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## Kim333 (3 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> Not sure about non-U.S. laws but if he doesn’t agree to the divorce, and contests it, there’s a possibility it definitely could become expensive. A non-contested divorce is always the easier path.


So if he does not want me to leave he could stop me? He would not lose anything and I would be able to live without being emotionally bombarded. I thought I had the right to leave in North America if I wanted to. Does the husband hold that much power over his wife?


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Kim333 said:


> I have been married for three months. I have no children, I don’t want anything from my husband, and we have no joint accounts. I just want to move out and live my life alone, so that I can feel okay again.


So what happened in 3 months to go from getting married to wanting to divorce your husband?


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## Kim333 (3 mo ago)

Kim333 said:


> So if he does not want me to leave he could stop me? He would not lose anything and I would be able to live without being emotionally bombarded. I thought I had the right to leave in North America if I wanted to. Does the husband hold that much power over his wife?


Would I need to use messages I sent to my family and friends as proof to show that it’s an unhealthy environment for me? Would my parents need to testify about the things he said about me? I thought this could be a nice simple case where I could live my life in peace again…


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Kim333 said:


> So if he does not want me to leave he could stop me? He would not lose anything and I would be able to live without being emotionally bombarded. I thought I had the right to leave in North America if I wanted to. Does the husband hold that much power over his wife?


Of course you can physically leave anytime you want. The point is that a contested divorce takes time and money.
Why are you so anxious to leave this guy after only three months of marriage?


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## Kim333 (3 mo ago)

DudeInProgress said:


> So what happened in 3 months to go from getting married to wanting to divorce your husband?


He has been slowly separating me from those who are dear to me. First it was my cat and then he started saying I should stop spending so much time with my parents and focus on him instead. He wants me to do everything with him and does not like how much time it takes for me to do my work. On Thanksgiving weekend (Sunday) we went to see his parents for dinner. Partway through the meal they started yelling at me about what a horrible wife I was. When I tried to explain the situation (from a month ago) they yelled over me while my husband sat there smiling and nodding the whole time. The next day on Monday (Thanksgiving day) my husband told my parents what a terrible person I was. It was as shocking to them as well as to me to be accusing someone on thanksgiving day to her parents when it was supposed to be a time of being thankful. Apparently this was the only reason he had decided to see my parents on thanksgiving. He also has told his parents some accusations about my parents and made his parents blame them and want to fight with them. I do not like how he tries to turn people against me and over exaggerates situations to make it seem like I’m a bad person. He hurts me and then later is surprised that I’m still hurt by the things he said. Tells me I need to move on. This is not a healthy relationship.


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## Kim333 (3 mo ago)

DudeInProgress said:


> Of course you can physically leave anytime you want. The point is that a contested divorce takes time and money.
> Why are you so anxious to leave this guy after only three months of marriage?


When we were dating he was very sweet and kind. After we married he became very needy, blamed me for many things, and turned out to have a vindictive streak. Any time I do something that he perceives as bad, he makes sure to do something in return that will hurt me. I don’t want to be tied to someone like that for life.


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## Kim333 (3 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> Not sure about non-U.S. laws but if he doesn’t agree to the divorce, and contests it, there’s a possibility it definitely could become expensive. A non-contested divorce is always the easier path.


I plan to apply for a no-fault divorce. Wouldn’t that mean that it cannot be contested? Like I said, I don’t want anything from him.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Kim333 said:


> I plan to apply for a no-fault divorce. Wouldn’t that mean that it cannot be contested? Like I said, I don’t want anything from him.


Yes, he could (in the U.S. anyway) contest a no-fault divorce if he decides to. His grounds (reasons) would need to, I assume, make sense to a judge in order to do that. I’m not sure that just saying he doesn’t want a divorce is enough to stop your petition. My divorce was an agreed to no-fault and it was very easy. But contested divorces can be another story. A lawyer can help sort that for you.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Just file for an absolute divorce. Very simple and cheap. No need for lawyers.

Edit - just saw you’re in Canada. Above applies to US. Sorry.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Kim333 said:


> So if he does not want me to leave he could stop me? He would not lose anything and I would be able to live without being emotionally bombarded. I thought I had the right to leave in North America if I wanted to. Does the husband hold that much power over his wife?


No you can leave right now. No one can stop you. Talk to a lawyer your husband won't know anything until you file and he is served. Start getting your plan together, lining up a new place to live etc.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Kim, I'm sorry you are going through this. 

How long were you dating before marriage? It seems odd that these behaviors would show up so quickly right after getting married.


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## Kim333 (3 mo ago)

happyhusband0005 said:


> No you can leave right now. No one can stop you. Talk to a lawyer your husband won't know anything until you file and he is served. Start getting your plan together, lining up a new place to live etc.


All right. Thank you for your advice. I have started looking at possible apartments to rent out. I don’t want him to find out about it through the mail though. That feels a bit cruel. I plan to tell him just before I leave (but I’m not sure how to get my suitcases packed without him knowing). I just want to let him know and then leave. I’m not sure how he would react to it, but I have a pretty solid feeling that it will be very unpleasant. I can handle the name calling and accusations, but I don’t want to stay in that kind of environment longer than I would have to…


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Kim333 said:


> So if he does not want me to leave he could stop me? He would not lose anything and I would be able to live without being emotionally bombarded. I thought I had the right to leave in North America if I wanted to. Does the husband hold that much power over his wife?


He can't stop you from leaving. He can't stop you from getting a divorce.


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## Kim333 (3 mo ago)

LATERILUS79 said:


> Kim, I'm sorry you are going through this.
> 
> How long were you dating before marriage? It seems odd that these behaviors would show up so quickly right after getting married.


We only dated six months before he proposed. We dated once a week. I wanted to get married one year after that but the wedding ended up being 6 months later. It was during Covid times, so our dates were a bit limited.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Wow. That isn’t a long time to learn about someone. Only seeing him once a week for 6 months? I think he was probably always like this and hid it from you for 6 months.


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## Kim333 (3 mo ago)

LATERILUS79 said:


> Wow. That isn’t a long time to learn about someone. Only seeing him once a week for 6 months? I think he was probably always like this and hid it from you for 6 months.


I fear that you are right. Of course I’m kicking myself for it now, but what’s done is done. I need to move on. (The last thing I want is to wait until children are involved. This way it stops before anyone else is affected).


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Kim333 said:


> He has been slowly separating me from those who are dear to me. First it was my cat and then he started saying I should stop spending so much time with my parents and focus on him instead. He wants me to do everything with him and does not like how much time it takes for me to do my work. On Thanksgiving weekend (Sunday) we went to see his parents for dinner. Partway through the meal they started yelling at me about what a horrible wife I was. When I tried to explain the situation (from a month ago) they yelled over me while my husband sat there smiling and nodding the whole time. The next day on Monday (Thanksgiving day) my husband told my parents what a terrible person I was. It was as shocking to them as well as to me to be accusing someone on thanksgiving day to her parents when it was supposed to be a time of being thankful. Apparently this was the only reason he had decided to see my parents on thanksgiving. He also has told his parents some accusations about my parents and made his parents blame them and want to fight with them. I do not like how he tries to turn people against me and over exaggerates situations to make it seem like I’m a bad person. He hurts me and then later is surprised that I’m still hurt by the things he said. Tells me I need to move on. This is not a healthy relationship.


He sounds really bad. When you do leave I suggest leaving a note and leaving when he's not there. You can meet in a public place to explain things if you feel thats necessary. I have a bad feeling about his reaction to the news.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Kim333 said:


> *When we were dating he was very sweet and kind.* After we married he became very needy, blamed me for many things, and turned out to have a vindictive streak. Any time I do something that he perceives as bad, he makes sure to do something in return that will hurt me. I don’t want to be tied to someone like that for life.


Bate and switch.

Kim that is almost how my aunt described my uncle before they were married, she then said as soon as they were married "he turned into Hitler". And was like that until the day he died in his late 60s, I never saw a woman so happy that her husband died. Rid of him she almost lived to 100!

He blamed her for all the failures in his life, kept her broke, cheated on her, never let her know anything about their finances, left her with debts and only got somewhat better with age.

Oh yea he even threaten to run away with another woman in his 60s.

PLEASE GET OUT, DO NOT GET PREGNANT, tell your H you have HIV and herpes so he does not touch you, wear a suit of armour to bed.

That's enough, without even throwing in his parents abuse of you.

Expect him to beg and plead when you leave, but don't even turn to look back.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Kim,

Please also look into an Annulment as this never was a marriage and is only 3 months old. 

This man was looking for a slave to break emotionally and then dominate for her entire life.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

So you were dating for 6 months before marriage, are now married for 3 months, but Thanksgiving was 11 months ago? Are you sure about the timeline?


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## Kim333 (3 mo ago)

Benbutton said:


> So you were dating for 6 months before marriage, are now married for 3 months, but Thanksgiving was 11 months ago? Are you sure about the timeline?


Canadian Thanksgiving was this Monday. I was engaged 6 months after meeting him and married six months after having him propose to me.


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## Kim333 (3 mo ago)

TAMAT said:


> Bate and switch.
> 
> Kim that is almost how my aunt described my uncle before they were married, she then said as soon as they were married "he turned into Hitler". And was like that until the day he died in his late 60s, I never saw a woman so happy that her husband died. Rid of him she almost lived to 100!
> 
> ...


He has not acted violently toward me. It seems to be more emotional and mental. I don’t think he realizes what he is doing. But thank you for your concern.


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## Kim333 (3 mo ago)

happyhusband0005 said:


> He sounds really bad. When you do leave I suggest leaving a note and leaving when he's not there. You can meet in a public place to explain things if you feel thats necessary. I have a bad feeling about his reaction to the news.


He has not acted in a violent manner toward me. It seems to be more on an emotional and mental level. But I understand what you mean and I will consider it. Thank you for your concern.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

Kim333 said:


> Canadian Thanksgiving was this Monday. I was engaged 6 months after meeting him and married six months after having him propose to me.


Ah, sorry about that. Your best bet would be to go and find yourself a competent divorce attorney. Without children, you shouldn't have any problems with physically leaving the marriage.


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## Kim333 (3 mo ago)

TAMAT said:


> Kim,
> 
> Please also look into an Annulment as this never was a marriage and is only 3 months old.
> 
> This man was looking for a slave to break emotionally and then dominate for her entire life.


I don’t think he realizes what he is doing. He seems to think that I am overreacting when I try talking to him about it. There are times when he is nice and sweet as well. However, the other times can be very emotionally trying. Coupling that with his parents’ personalities and his treatment of my own parents, I do not see this heading in a positive direction. We are just too different. His idea of what a wife needs to be like is very far removed from my own opinion.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Yeah you need to not wait until December. You may not make it until then. This guy is a monster. He wanted a shorter “courtship” so he could get right to the abuse with no troubles. You’re under NO obligation to tolerate this, don’t let anyone tell you that this is your fault or you need to stay and try to be better so he won’t be so hateful. He doesn’t want a life partner, he wants a submissive wife. No matter what it takes, figure out a way to get out as soon as you can.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Kim333 said:


> He has not acted violently toward me. It seems to be more emotional and mental. I don’t think he realizes what he is doing. But thank you for your concern.


Do you think marriage counseling would help?
I'm not sure from what you've told me -- like him smiling while his parents tore you down...


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

Kim333 said:


> If I am unable to move out until December then will talking to a lawyer now result in my husband finding out now that I plan to leave? I have had talks with him about the problems in our relationship and he does not want to see them. He thinks that everything is either my fault or that I am blowing things out of proportion. If he found out now that I wanted to leave my life would become a living hell. I would not be able to focus on my work, his parents would be yelling at me and I would have nowhere to go to have some peace and quiet to concentrate on my work.
> Would going to a lawyer Result in my husband being notified about it now?


My god, only married for 3 months and it`s come to this. You`ve probably not finished unpacking yet from your honeymoon.
Going to a lawyer just for advice your husband would not be informed, he would only know if you filed for divorce.
How old are you and how old is your husband?
Do you work from home?
What type of things is your husband complaining about you to his and your parents?
Are you doing too much stuff that doesn`t involve you husband?
Do you already have someone else as a plan B, like an ex for example and why can`t you move out until December?
I am not deliberately being too inquisitive, I am trying to analyse what has gone wrong with your marriage in such a short time so as being able to give advice.


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## Kim333 (3 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Yeah you need to not wait until December. You may not make it until then. This guy is a monster. He wanted a shorter “courtship” so he could get right to the abuse with no troubles. You’re under NO obligation to tolerate this, don’t let anyone tell you that this is your fault or you need to stay and try to be better so he won’t be so hateful. He doesn’t want a life partner, he wants a submissive wife. No matter what it takes, figure out a way to get out as soon as you can.


Thank you for your concern. Actually, the push to get married sooner came from his parents, not him. Usually the situation gets difficult on the weekends, but weekdays generally are not really bad. This could be due to the fact that I am busy with work. I appreciate you trying to help though.


gameopoly5 said:


> My god, only married for 3 months and it`s come to this. You`ve probably not finished unpacking yet from your honeymoon.
> Going to a lawyer just for advice your husband would not be informed, he would only know if you filed for divorce.
> How old are you and how old is your husband?
> Do you work from home?
> ...


Thank you for trying to help. I’m trying not to give out too many details because I don’t want it to be easy to identify who I am. We are both of a similar age and not very young. I do not have anyone else as this is my first serious relationship. In fact, I don’t feel like starting any new relationships anytime soon. My husband was complaining about me asking that he do an allergy test before I had to send my cat away. Accused me of not loving him. In the end I asked my parents to take her a few days later because he told me to pick between her or him. I also was concerned with how she started acting fearful around him (this had never happened before). I did not want her to have a bad life. It was very heartbreaking to lose her though. He told me I could visit her on the weekend, but then one week later changed his mind. Due to some unfortunate circumstances my job is very demanding right now and I can only spend half an hour with my husband during weekdays. The rest of the time I am preparing materials for work.
To be honest, on the weekends he often ends up being unhappy and our free time is usually spent on him being upset with me or accusing me of something. This results in me wanting to be somewhere else, but my parents live pretty far away. I don’t have access to my own car yet, so that limits my options.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Kim333 said:


> So if he does not want me to leave he could stop me? He would not lose anything and I would be able to live without being emotionally bombarded. I thought I had the right to leave in North America if I wanted to. Does the husband hold that much power over his wife?


Please understand leaving is different than divorcing. You have the right to leave whenever you want. You have the right to live your life.

In many place though divorce has requirements like a waiting period or such.

Are you not from North America? Did your visa depend on the marriage? Because these things could change somethings.


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## Kim333 (3 mo ago)

Anastasia6 said:


> Please understand leaving is different than divorcing. You have the right to leave whenever you want. You have the right to live your life.
> 
> In many place though divorce has requirements like a waiting period or such.
> 
> Are you not from North America? Did your visa depend on the marriage? Because these things could change somethings.


I am from North America. I have decided to apply for separation through a lawyer. Thank you to everyone for their suggestions and support.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Deleted - just saw your last post.  Good luck!


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

Kim333 said:


> Thank you for your concern. Actually, the push to get married sooner came from his parents, not him. Usually the situation gets difficult on the weekends, but weekdays generally are not really bad. This could be due to the fact that I am busy with work. I appreciate you trying to help though.
> 
> 
> Thank you for trying to help. I’m trying not to give out too many details because I don’t want it to be easy to identify who I am. We are both of a similar age and not very young. I do not have anyone else as this is my first serious relationship. In fact, I don’t feel like starting any new relationships anytime soon. My husband was complaining about me asking that he do an allergy test before I had to send my cat away. Accused me of not loving him. In the end I asked my parents to take her a few days later because he told me to pick between her or him. I also was concerned with how she started acting fearful around him (this had never happened before). I did not want her to have a bad life. It was very heartbreaking to lose her though. He told me I could visit her on the weekend, but then one week later changed his mind. Due to some unfortunate circumstances my job is very demanding right now and I can only spend half an hour with my husband during weekdays. The rest of the time I am preparing materials for work.
> To be honest, on the weekends he often ends up being unhappy and our free time is usually spent on him being upset with me or accusing me of something. This results in me wanting to be somewhere else, but my parents live pretty far away. I don’t have access to my own car yet, so that limits my options.


I am English and my wife is Thai, met her in London, we both have lived in Chiang Mai, Thailand since 2003 and here for good now.
Our daughter married 3 years ago and now she lives in America, it is only my wife and I here.
We had 2 dogs, brother and sister, names, Whisky and Pudding. I loved those dogs they were my children as far as I was concerned.
Whisky died at age 14, Pudding died at age 17 in March 2021.
We had to have both of them put down in the end and it was heartbreaking, I was grief stricken. So I can relate to how you feel not having your cat at home.
When my dogs died my wife hardly showed any pity for me and as for friends, most are not animal lovers, to them it was just a couple of dogs and I had to deal with it alone.
The only time I`ve seen my wife cry and display grief was when her mother died 5 years ago and she fully expected me to be there for her, which I was.
My wife and I are both in our 60s now and at that age not so easy to leave and make a fresh start.
It boils down to many people are not good listeners and they perceive any problems we have through their eyes and can`t cross over to our feelings and see situations our way.
It`s a form of ignorance and selfishness and quite often a problem is only a problem when it becomes personal to them and then they expect others to be understanding and supportive.
This doesn`t mean our partners don`t love us, it simply means there are flaws in their characters. The old saying; a leopard can`t change it`s spots is true.
But people are people and no one is perfect.
Unlike with close family members (parents and children in most cases) relationships with friends and spouses are not unconditional, so marital relationships should be based on love, compromise and good communication.
If wanting to save your marriage, then a lot needs to change in your household.
Only spending 30 minutes with your husband during weekdays and busy during weekends is a bad start to your marriage, this has to change. Your husband tittle tattling about you like an old woman to parents has to stop, he also has to make allowances for your beloved cat.
I had to make compromises for my wife, probably more so than she makes for me, but I am not unhappy and accepted her for who she is.
I don`t have any easy answers and solutions to help resolve your marital problems, would if I could, only the changes that need to be done as I have mentioned.
Anyway, think about it and decide what is the best way forward for you and what`s in your best interests to do.
Hope this can be resolved one way or another.
All the best to you and hope I`ve been of some help.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

You can't get valid legal advice for your situation from an international message board. You must speak to a lawyer. 

Talking to a lawyer is just a conversation. The lawyer will not disclose the conversation to your H until you are ready to file for divorce. Once filed, your husband will be served. There are preconditions to being granted a divorce. In the States, even for a no-fault divorce based on irreconcilable differences (a legal term meaning it's just not working), the couple has to show they lived separate & apart for a period of time before the divorce. Your lawyer will explain the specifics of your situation to you. 

I don't understand why you have to wait until December to take action. Move out ASAP. Won't your parents take you in? Ignore him when he calls. Concentrate on your job. 

Once you are divorced, when you date again get to know somebody over the course of 2+ years before considering marriage.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

looking4calm said:


> I am going through a separation and probably will not be able to offer the best of advice but will offer you what I would do (right or wrong / just genuinely what I would do).
> 
> I would try to see if there are any solutions before calling it quits. From most people I have spoken to that got married, the beginning is a very exciting/fun time but also a period of adjustment. Not sure if your issues can be resolved at all. Otherwise yes, pretty sure within that short period you can annul the marriage. No permission is needed to leave.
> 
> Best of luck.


 Trying to fix the toxic environment that has been created by the husband AND his parents would be a total waste of time. Some of the descriptions sound like they see her as property. I think she is in a somewhat dangerous situation and the longer she stays the greater the risk for her.

@Kim333 if you don't mind sharing what is the cultural/religious background of your husband and his parents?


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Kim333 said:


> I have been married for three months. I have no children, I don’t want anything from my husband, and we have no joint accounts. I just want to move out and live my life alone, so that I can feel okay again.


You can talk to a lawyer for free, and lawyer cannot tell your husband anything. I would ask your lawyer about whether your state is a no fault. I know if you are in a "no fault" state. you can file for divorce and sue for your husband's signature. They cannot deny you a divorce in a no fault state. They have to just give you one. Just make sure that when you do decide to file, you get everything that you need packed and hidden. Or leave your stuff over at a trusted friend's house. Once you file, you need to get out of there, and no turning back.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

You may have to separate for a year to divorce.
These articles are not very clear.
Since you have little, or no shared property or joint accounts, married three months, and no children....
Divorce should be easy, except for the separation period (if any).









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