# Commitment Phobic or Emotionally unavailable



## hockey_mom (Oct 23, 2008)

Could someone please explain the difference between being commitment phobic vs emotionally unavailable.I think my boyfriend is one of them but not sure which.


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## Sven (Nov 18, 2009)

I have no idea. Are you smothering him?


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## hockey_mom (Oct 23, 2008)

no I am doing the opposite and giving him his space.


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## Mogget (Nov 26, 2009)

my interpretation - committment phobic will not want to make a committment - not be exclusive, not live together, not get married and will usually say things like "Why? Aren't things great as they are? why change things?" But at the same time they can love, accept love and share and express their feelings.

Someone who is emotionally unavailable can be exclusive, move in with you and marry you all while keeping you at an arms length, avoid expressing feelings for you, treat you like a housemate or buddy, never share their feelings and get uncomfortable if you want to share yours. The more you try to get close to them the more they will push you away, but may not express any desire to break up. They seem kinda indifferent to you, but can be in a committed relationship while being indifferent.


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## hockey_mom (Oct 23, 2008)

I am not too sure if my boyfriend is either then.We have been together a year,he has not told me he loves me but has said he has strong feelings for me,he did tell me early in the relationship that he wanted to take things slow.Just recently I asked him where our relationship was going his reply was we are together and I am faithful to you,he said something about not rushing.The thing that bothered me the most is him saying instead of renting why don't you buy a place which tell's me we will never live together.I am very confused by this relationship.I am always invited to family functions and I have met all of his friends.He had a 20 yr marriage which ended about 6 yrs ago and I know he was devestated and lost alot.I wish he was able to trust that I am not the same person as his wife and open up and give me a chance.Maybe I am wasting my time in this relationship and try to move on.Does anyone think I should just be patient?


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## Lucretia (Dec 1, 2009)

Give him some time - He was married for 20 years to another women, I'm thinking he got burnt pretty bad over that. I would say he would want to take things verrrry slowly indeed. If you are looking for a whirlwind romance I'm thinking he's not the man for you. I think he loves you, but at a guess I'd say your looking at a few years at least before you get some serious commitment out of him.


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## Mogget (Nov 26, 2009)

OK just my own personal opinion here... he does sound emotionally unavailable to me, not saying he loves you (after a year together) is a big red flag for me. If he can say he has 'strong feelings' for you, but not love... well I would not be content with that.

In my experience a good rule of thumb is: If things continue as they are indefinitely will you be happy or miserable? ie is your happiness dependant on things (him) changing? because that is generally a recipe fro disapointment or resentment in the long term.


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