# short marriage: am I being unreasonable?



## ashton (Oct 17, 2012)

Here's my backstory:

My h of 4 years made me leave our house in May and sent me to go stay with family members a few states away. (He really did force me out as he had complete control over me during most of our marriage -- partly my fault, i know). He said we needed to take a few weeks, he just needed some time, etc. Point is, I figured I'd be gone a couple weeks max.

About a month later, with almost zero contact in between (he needed space, remember?), he calls and tells me he's filed for D, has packed up all of my things and shipped them to where I was staying. Refused counseling, wouldn't answer my questions or even have a discussion. Except to throw in that he loves me, always has and always will. :rofl: We had never discussed divorce before and I was blindsided.

In short, he pulled the rug out from under me while I was out of town and never talked to me again (This is pertinent for later).

He filed in the state of his legal residence (State A) -- his job allows him to list his legal residence anywhere in the US for tax purposes -- but neither of us actually live there and never have together. The state where I'm a resident (State B) -- and the one where he actually lives -- has alimony and spousal support laws. State A does not. He lied on the paperwork about my state of residency.

Here's the deal now: 

Though there's no alimony, State A is a community property state meaning I would be legally entitled to half of what was acquired during the marriage. I didn't work full-time while we were married (I got laid off shortly after our wedding and his job required us to be transient); he was the breadwinner. 

Given that I didn't earn the money, and it was a relatively short marriage, am I greedy to ask for what the law says I'm entitled to? I only want to be able to rebuild my life. My h is, shall we say, thrifty. He's hiding assets now and did during our marriage. He claims we acquired basically nothing for the three years we were married. We weren't rich by any means, but he does very well. The settlement proposal he's offered is a joke. My lawyer was dismayed.

I am not bitter and not after revenge even though he turned my life upside down. Rather, I am struggling with guilt because I wasn't the one who made the money. What is typical for shorter marriages without children?

Thanks.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

He treated you like yesterday's news. How disrespectful can someone be?

I say you get everything that the law entitles you to
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## John Stiles (Aug 28, 2012)

There's something missing in the story : Why did he throw you out of the house? What happened? 

Also, why do you want any portion of his assets?


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Consider whatever you feel he owes you as assh*le taxes and be glad you're getting rid of him while you still have your wits out you.


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## ashton (Oct 17, 2012)

He kicked me out after I tried to have a discussion (in public) asking him to stop the verbal and emotional abuse. It set off a firestorm of anger and rage that escalated for a couple of days that I waited out because I thought it would simmer out. But it didn't, he got angrier and kept ordering me to leave... yelling "what part of leave did you not understand?" etc. It was scary.

The community assets, that is everything either of us acquired during the marriage, are legally OUR assets, and the state awards each party 50/50 (typically) in a divorce. I want them because after being displaced, I'd be at near poverty level if not for my family's help.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Yeah, but do you really want those things around to remind you of him all the time? Wouldn't it just be easier to let some things go and sleep on the floor if you have to? I mean six months to a year from divorce with nothing but a job you could have the bare essentials and still be doing better with your 180 becaus you have to want to remember him instead of fighting not to when you see his stuff.


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## ashton (Oct 17, 2012)

Sorry, to clarify: "assets" = money, not stuff. All savings, retirement, stock, etc. accumulated.


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

you'll get all sorts of answers here. there is no right answer. there's only what's right for you. 

i made my decision to walk away from a largely winnable fight specifically because i wanted to move on rather than be further embroiled in the drama of it. i wasn't married for the money. i can recover my loss; i can't recover the lost time of fighting the ex-spouse. 

sorry for your position. you can't make a wrong decision. just make one that's best for you.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

John Stiles said:


> There's something missing in the story : Why did he throw you out of the house? What happened?
> 
> Also, why do you want any portion of his assets?


Whose assets? Not his - MARITAL assets.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SCsweety81 (Sep 27, 2012)

Watch "Diary of a Mad Black Woman"

THEN

take YOUR half.


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

[Diary of a Mad Black Woman"] HOT GRITS.

In todays Economy you need the money so go get it,I think he had the whole thing planned,so go get some money to help you start a new life with.


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## John Stiles (Aug 28, 2012)

ashton said:


> He kicked me out after I tried to have a discussion (in public) asking him to stop the verbal and emotional abuse. It set off a firestorm of anger and rage that escalated for a couple of days that I waited out because I thought it would simmer out. But it didn't, he got angrier and kept ordering me to leave... yelling "what part of leave did you not understand?" etc. It was scary.
> 
> The community assets, that is everything either of us acquired during the marriage, are legally OUR assets, and the state awards each party 50/50 (typically) in a divorce. I want them because after being displaced, I'd be at near poverty level if not for my family's help.


Maybe you could elaborate on what you mean by verbal and emotional abuse. So far it's hard to judge whether he was being reasonable or unreasonable because we have no background. It's vague at the moment as to what exactly happened. 

How much did he acquire during the marriage? How much did you acquire? What I'm trying to establish is how much money truly and rightfully (not to be confused with legally) belongs to you, and how much belongs to him, truly and rightfully. In other words, what are your rightful assets and what are his rightful assets.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

This is definitely a touchy subject because in a truly abusive relationship, the abused partner may not be 'allowed' to earn her own money or have any access to money. It's part of the abuse and control -- and it's done precisely to put the wife (usually) in the position the OP is in now. Not having anything to start over with, and being told she gets nothing because he earned it all. 

If you are an abuse survivor, sweetie, roast his ass but good. You more than earned it. You'll need money for therapy, if nothing else. (hugs) to you.


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## John Stiles (Aug 28, 2012)

angelpixie said:


> This is definitely a touchy subject because in a truly abusive relationship, the abused partner may not be 'allowed' to earn her own money or have any access to money. It's part of the abuse and control -- and it's done precisely to put the wife (usually) in the position the OP is in now. Not having anything to start over with, and being told she gets nothing because he earned it all.
> 
> If you are an abuse survivor, sweetie, roast his ass but good. You more than earned it. You'll need money for therapy, if nothing else. (hugs) to you.


From what has been said by the OP so far, what logical basis do you have for making any of those assumptions? In other words, how do you know that any of what you have said is actually what is going on?


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

She mentioned verbal and emotional abuse, that is my basis. I have been in that type of relationship myself, and have done a lot of reading and therapy about it, so I'm aware of the different forms it takes. Money control is a big one. I stated my opinion based on what the OP said. All any of us know on TAM is what we read in someone's post. I also don't have any logical reason at this point to doubt what she is saying. In fact, her reasoning for not believing she deserves what she's legally entitled to sounds very much like what an abused person could say. If the OP wants to share more of her story, my opinion may change, but I stand by what I said based on what I've read so far.


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## John Stiles (Aug 28, 2012)

Yes she did mention verbal and emotional abuse. But that's all she has mentioned. She hasn't gone into any details as to what exactly was said, or any background whatsoever. It seems a bit unusual to go into a lot of detail about everything else but not the very fundamentals of it, the reason why it all started. I would assume that anyone asking for advice would want to provide us with everything that there is to know in order to make any sort of judgment. For all we know, it might not have been abuse at all, or it could have been abuse, but we don't know because she has chosen not to elaborate. She has called it emotional and verbal abuse but we don't actually know that it is, hence the lack of logical basis for making the assumption that it is. We still don't know what he said, the context in which he said it, or the circumstances surrounding it. If she wants advice, the least she could do is provide us with the whole story. As far as her not earning any money, she got laid off.


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## ashton (Oct 17, 2012)

John Stiles said:


> Yes she did mention verbal and emotional abuse. But that's all she has mentioned. She hasn't gone into any details as to what exactly was said, or any background whatsoever. It seems a bit unusual to go into a lot of detail about everything else but not the very fundamentals of it, the reason why it all started. I would assume that anyone asking for advice would want to provide us with everything that there is to know in order to make any sort of judgment. For all we know, it might not have been abuse at all, or it could have been abuse, but we don't know because she has chosen not to elaborate. She has called it emotional and verbal abuse but we don't actually know that it is, hence the lack of logical basis for making the assumption that it is. We still don't know what he said, the context in which he said it, or the circumstances surrounding it. If she wants advice, the least she could do is provide us with the whole story. As far as her not earning any money, she got laid off.


It sounds like you think I'm interested in your opinion of whether or not I was abused. I'm not. Re-read the subject title.

I'm not interested in rehashing (outside my counselor's office) the emotional beatings I lived with everyday to people who don't know me, especially to justify or defend myself given the damage it's inflicted on my psychological well being, but here it is:

Verbal abuse - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

He threw me out, did all of this in secret, never talked to me again and now I want a fair settlement. That's it, that's all you need to know.

Also, in the future, should you choose not to take a woman's (or a man's) word that they're coming out of an abusive relationship just because they don't hammer you with details up front, consider keeping it to yourself.


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## Finchley Argon (Oct 18, 2012)

If you can, it would help us if you mentioned something about what he actually did and why. Why did he chuck you out? What led to it? You sound distressed but it may help to talk about it.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I think the OP is just asking whether or not she should seek a 50/50 property settlement based on the length of her marriage. She and her IC are tackling the abuse issue. Certainly, if she wants to speak about her recovery from her relationship, there are many, many people here who would offer a caring 'ear'. 

OP, you mention that he has hidden assets from you. It will probably cost you $ to have someone find those for you, though, in a divorce settlement, he's under threat of perjury if he doesn't reveal them. You'll have to decide if the outlay of funds is worth it. If not, then consider that you won't actually be getting 1/2 of what you're legally entitled to. You didn't sign a pre-nup, you went into this marriage in good faith. There is no reason you need to be left destitute. Get what you need to start over.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Finchley Argon (Oct 18, 2012)

Unless she says what he did, there's no way of being certain that he actually did anything, or if she did something to him to make him so angry as to want to remove her. Sometimes people play the victim and deliberately omit details to give that impression. Maybe that's not the case here but we don't know, unless she says something, anything, about what he has supposedly done. But I will say that it strikes me as very odd that an abusive partner will throw the other person out. Abusive people, bullies, whatever, they don't normally tend to want to be rid of their victim. They prefer to have them around to be abused. This is why it's so crucial to know what really happened. 

As for wanting to know if she's legally entitled to half of his assets (since she lost her own job and therefore didn't earn much, if anything), that sounds like a classic case of greed. Yes, she needs money to start over. The way sincere people obtain money is by earning it. He owes her nothing. The law may disagree, but what is right and the law aren't always the same thing. He's very wise to hide his assets, and the fact that he has done so could possibly be a clue as to the background to this story. 

It sounds very much like she's simply out to get her hands on what she can, while portraying herself as a victim, and portraying herself as not greedy. It's written all over her post. 

The more women who are exposed for this type of thing, the better. If any of what I'm saying is incorrect (and I hope I am wrong), great. But from everything she's said and the way she's said it, it's not looking good. We need to know exactly what he has supposedly done. She has omitted this, and unless she's here just to be told what she wants to hear by other women in order to ease her conscience, she needs to spill the beans and tell us what really happened.

Another thing. Her last paragraph is very strange : 

"I am not bitter and not after revenge even though he turned my life upside down. Rather, I am struggling with guilt because I wasn't the one who made the money. What is typical for shorter marriages without children?"

That makes no sense. She's not after revenge...even though he turned her life upside down. Translation : I'm after revenge for turning my life upside down but I'll say that I'm not. Then she says "Rather..." she feels guilty for not earning the money. So she wants his money because she feels guilty for not earning any? Victim card. Classic. 

She never even mentions anything to do with how she feels about him. Her entire focus is on portraying herself as a victim and wanting to find out how much she can get out of him. I'm sorry but this story smells of sh it from beginning to end.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

And... another person who doesn't get it.


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