# Fiance doesn't love me as much as before, suggest an open relationship



## romanofficer (Aug 23, 2020)

My fiance (I'm 34, she's 32) have 2 kids and have been together for 12 years relationship. Proposed a year ago. We had a good relationship. We were happy. At least I thought so. We had sex maybe once a month, not enough for me. but hey, it was better than none. She was rarely in the mood.

A lot happened in the last week.

First, she told me she doesn't our relationship wasn't like it was before. She doesn't love me the way she did before and that she wasn't sure she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me and all. I took her for granted for too long and she needs her own space.

She suggested leaving, buying her own place a few streets for here but staying couple with joined custody for the kids. Maybe that would relight the flame. I said no, I don't believe in this. Families belong together.

2- She told me sex wasn't really good and that was why we didn't do it often.

3- We almost broke up. It was a very harsh and emotional day. I realized I took her for granted and I loved her and felt like **** because I was sometimes an asshole to her, not listening to her clear needs and requests.. We both had tears. At the end of the day I told her everything I had in mind and that I'll do my best to spark the flame back. She agreed that we give ourselves a second try. Long kisses every day after than. Really long hugs. I thought it was okay.

4- A few days later, I asked her if she made her mind. If she wanted to stay with me or if she still wanted to find her own place. She said she don't know. Asked her a few times over a few days, still the same answer. She's thinking about it.

Then she proceeded to tell me maybe we need an open relationship. Maybe we should sleep with other people while staying married to see if that would relight the fire. Of course I don't want this!

I'm not going to lie. I love her. But I'm sure as heck I'd love to **** other women ONLY IF I WAS SINGLE. But the idea of her ****ing some other dude while staying together, nope. Won't do it.

Today she told me she'd like to install tinder on her phone FOR FUN to see what kind of people are using it. Told her if she installed tinder i will kick her ass out of the house and throw all her **** outdoors.

Her phone is off limits. She won't let me use it. She takes it everywhere she goes. But I have the password for her facebook and emails accounts account. She's not aware of it.

I snooped yesterday. She's not having an affair. She asks for advice on message boards and facebook groups. I have her passwords for everything. Except her phone account.

She's mostly done with the relationship. I felt like an asshole because I took her for granted but it seems she really checked out. The only reason we have sex is because she's doing it to please me, even if its bad. It's not enough for her. In her own words, the pregnancy got her loose and my **** can't do it anymore. I annoy her sometimes. She is tired of "fighting" with me all the time. She says something is broken but she's not sure what. People suggested her to go to couple therapy but she replied that it was too late, she made her mind.

I really thought i could salvage this, but I don't know. Today she was at work. When she came back, she was distant. Dry kiss, really short hug and talked about having an open relationship again.

She started spending extra time working on her appearance and grooming.

Is she preparing her final steps in leaving?


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

She probably has someone picked out. 

Sorry you’re here.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

romanofficer said:


> Is she preparing her final steps in leaving?


Sorry to say this, but yes. When a woman is done, she's done.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Sorry this is where you find yourself.

What did you do to take her for granted specifically or is this just her way of trying to test drive someone else?
Why didn't you get married many years ago, why wait until now?
I agree with earlier posters, when a woman is done, she is done.

Don't beg, plead, etc. Go and see a lawyer for your options. Start doing the 180, this is counter intuitive and people find it hard but it will show her your strength and that yes you have taken her for granted but you are not willing to be taken for a ride with open relationships, etc. Do not discuss the relationship. You do realise you have less rights over the children in some jurisdictions if you are not married, so please speak to a lawyer asap, sort out your finances.

Keep your mouth shut but monitor as it sounds like she is on the look out for someone else.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Why did it take you so long to propose? Were you waiting for the kids to graduate high school?

I wouldn't agree to an open relationship.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

You are probably already in an open relationship.

You just don't know about it.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

All the signs are there that she is slready cheating, probably with someone at work. Telling you that she doesn't love you the same way any more, hiding her phone, dressing differently, wanting an open relationship. Sorry but its pretty likely. Even if she isnt, she wants to. Oh and BTW people who are cheating will always blame the other spouse, dont fall for it. .


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

syhoybenden said:


> You are probably already in an open relationship.
> 
> You just don't know about it.


Well a one sided one anyway!


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## Buffer (Dec 17, 2019)

Sorry, but she has checked out, picked a new person but is in the self justification phase. 
Don’t do the open relationship thing unless you are 💯 % in on it. Could you really see yourself watching her get ready for another person while you have to watch the children. Very degrading thing to go through.
Seek legal advice ASAP as well get checked for STDs and STI, I don’t trust her. Also start the 180 from now. If you think it may help you, go to a sex therapist for help in the bedroom. 
One day at a time
Buffer


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

romanofficer said:


> I really thought i could salvage this......


Why *would* you want to salvage this trainwreck?

Either you're a glutton for punishment, you live under a bridge and you're having fun with us, or you're really just pathetically desperate and will take anything you can get.

Which one is it?


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

At this stage, she at least has an idea she wants to focus on other conquests, if she hasn't already.
The good news (if it really is) is that she does appreciate you enough to implement as a "Safety net" or "Plan B," thus the call for an open relationship.
You aren't married, why do you want to tolerate this crap?
If you two are (or were) a couple and she was dissatisfied, she had two honorable options: either inform you of her displeasure and request that you work through it or leave.
Instead, she advocates for a plan that allows her to have her cake and eat it too.
You get the scraps, if there are any. Why settle for seconds?
The good news is that you aren't married.
Study up on and implement the 180. Go to the doctor for a full STD panel.
Openly prepare for her replacement in front of her. New haircut, clothes, cologne, join a gym. Engage more with your friends, go out with them without her. Let her be Mom. Be everything she ever wanted, but now can't have.
Get an attorney, look at custody options and how to deal with the kids.
Then dump her ass. Cold, hard, unceremoniously. Make her rue her choices.
Learn from your mistakes, get some counseling (if needed) and move on.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Assuming you are not abusive or an alcoholic/drug addict, chronically unemployed or completely checked out of the relationship yourself, women with minor children do not propose screwing other people unless they are already screwing other people. 

The simplest answer is usually the correct answer.

The simplest answer that explains her lack of interest in your relationship, her wanting to separate, her indecision on whether to remain together and the proposal of open relationship is she wants free-reign to test drive some other dude to see if he will commit to a relationship and see if he will take her full time or not. 

She wants to separate and have an “arrangement “ so she can see him without restrictions, and the reason she wants to remain somewhat involved with you is so that you can watch the kids while they date and develop their relationship and so she can evaluate this other guy’s potential- but yet still have you stored on the shelf as back up in case things don’t work out with other guy.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

She is VERY finished.

You are hanging on to nothing. Let her go.

Sorry you find yourself in this position. She likely already found someone. IF and I do mean IF you really did mistreat her then learn from it. Otherwise she is perhaps gaslighting you to have you believe it’s your fault


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If she says she’s done then she very likely is. Time to start focusing on rebuilding your life.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Open relationships can work when the core relationship is really solid (I know, I've been in one for 20 years). Yours is not, and a open relationship would only benefit her to find a new relationship while you continue providing support and watch the kids. Her chances of finding someone else this way are excellent, and yours are very poor to marginal (either for sex or something more).

Encourage her to get her own place and move out. Do NOT marry her - this is your opportunity to exit while you can, and start to move on.


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## Oldtimer (May 25, 2018)

As someone has already stated, if she hasn’t cheated, she’s got someone in mind. Since she has checked out, follow the procedures mentioned by Tdbo. She like old shirt says wants to sample the forbidden fruits while keeping you as plan B. You’ve already called bulll**** on her wanting the open relationship so it’s only a matter of time until she actually pulls the plug on yours.

i agree that if she wants out, she should be honourable and just tell you that she’s leaving. Not give you hope that it’s a possibility that she’ll stay.

prepare for D day.

wishing you and your kids the best.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

romanofficer said:


> She's mostly done with the relationship


Take out the word "mostly" and you're 100% correct. Women are never mostly done with a relationship. Think of a light switch when you leave a room. You are either done with the light and switch it off or or still need it and leave it on. ( except when they turn it off, they never turn it back on)


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

romanofficer said:


> My fiance (I'm 34, she's 32) have 2 kids and have been together for 12 years relationship. Proposed a year ago. We had a good relationship. We were happy. At least I thought so. We had sex maybe once a month, not enough for me. but hey, it was better than none. She was rarely in the mood.
> ....
> Today she told me she'd like to install tinder on her phone FOR FUN to see what kind of people are using it. Told her if she installed tinder i will kick her ass out of the house and throw all her **** outdoors.
> ....
> Is she preparing her final steps in leaving?


Not defending her in any way whatsoever, but after what you told her about Tinder (which was 100% the only reasonable response!), what else *could* she be doing, other than preparing to leave?

Many other obvious questions. The two kids. Hers from a prior relationship or yours? How old? If your kids, did you settle in on a long term relationship because she became pregnant? 

And how anyone can say that sex maybe once a month is better than none is a bit beyond me. Why wouldn't that send huge warning flares into the sky? 

Yes, seems like things are done, but there are many things that lead up to that which are not yet in evidence here. Not that it will really matter. 

How are finances? Will you both be fine if you split? The fact that you're not married will have no bearing on issues of child support, and even if the kids aren't yours, if you've lived together and supported them as your own for 12 years, the court might (or might not) find you're on the hook. 12 years is more than enough time for some states to see your relationship as a common-law marriage (there's more to it than just the length of time though).


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

She is already cheating. 

She is done and she is done with you. 

She has a BF that she thinks will move forward with her. 

Kick her to the curb and move on, she has already kicked you to the curb...


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

I will echo what others have said here. When a woman is done, she is really done. Your fiance is done for sure.

No one here can say how much physical cheating she has or has not already done, but what she is doing is trying to get a solid exit strategy for your relationship. This is why she wants to be on Tinder and why she wants an open relationship. She still wants to stay at home with you until she figures out exactly where she wants to go. This is the easiest way for her to walk away from you. Monkey branching 101.

Your problem here is that while you are focused on trying to salvage your relationship, your fiance is just trying to figure out how to walk away from you in a way that benefits _her_ the most. Since you are so focused on making things work with her, she will feed you just enough hope to keep you going while she makes other plans, with other men.

If things keep going the way they are now, here is what will happen. Your fiance is going to keep playing these games with you until she is ready to leave. When she has everything in place, she will take you by surprise and suddenly spring her plan on you, whatever that plan may be. Judging by her actions, this plan is definitely going to involve another guy. She will walk away easily and you're gonna be left standing there wondering WTF happened. This is not what you want.

What you need to do is do the same thing she is doing, find a way to end things in a way that benefits _you_, not her. Figure out how you wanna deal with custody, living arrangements for you and/or your kids, etc. Find some female company if you want. Move fast though, because she has a head start on you.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

aine said:


> Start doing the 180, this is counter intuitive and people find it hard but it will show her your strength and that yes you have taken her for granted but you are not willing to be taken for a ride with open relationships, etc.


The 180 is for the sole purpose of preparing the person doing it to move on with their life and disconnect from the person who is in the process of dumping them. It's not some sort of manipulative tool to make the dumper rethink their decision because the dumpee is somehow suddenly a completely different person. Any such results would be temporary at best because they're due to behavior that is forced and is not due to real, sustainable underlying change.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Or instead of all the plots and sneaky games..... you could just have the discussion with her that it’s done and y’all work out a split solution.

The problem is that you actually think you can get her to love you again.... that ship has sailed.....


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

romanofficer said:


> My fiance (I'm 34, she's 32) have 2 kids and have been together for 12 years relationship. Proposed a year ago. We had a good relationship. We were happy. At least I thought so. We had sex maybe once a month, not enough for me. but hey, it was better than none. She was rarely in the mood.
> 
> A lot happened in the last week.
> 
> ...



The best response to a request to an open marriage is "Me first", I get to try it out first. Give me like a year. The divorce of course. 

Seriously dude, better to just save yourself the suffering and move on. She probably already is in a affair.


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## anonfrank (Apr 18, 2013)

At least you are not married. It’s time to let her go, agree on visitation, and move on. She’s done with you.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Everyone has had good answers.
What can I add?
Hmm?

She said that after having two babies she is presently too loose.

This is her life, a sad portrait by......Toulouse-Lautrec ...

......................................................................................................................

This makes sense, those two little darlings have opened her eyes, loosened her voice and have secretly opened your relationship.

_When a woman is done, she is done._
Uh, she is done with _the Roman_, is not done with men.


_The Typist-_


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

SunCMars said:


> Everyone has had good answers.
> What can I add?
> Hmm?
> 
> ...


LOL. Cheap and unworthy of you, SunC. LOL


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## moon7 (May 5, 2013)

Resentment.

She waited and waited and waited for a proposal that never came and resentment ate her inside.

Ive seen ir happen over and over and it even happened to me personally.

When resentment over not feeling enough to receive a proposal builds, usually a very late proposal is the catalyst of a very painful break up for both sides ((you know, because a proposal from you for her is now a trigger of many deep hidden bad and depressing emotions repressed over the years that she is not even able to articulate to explain to you or to herself)).

Thats why i always tell: if your man is not ready to propose when youre ready to get married get the fvck out, otherwise youll sit and wait and have empathy for him and none for you, and resentment will build and break you inside.

I hope i had someone to tell me that back then.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> LOL. Cheap and unworthy of you, SunC. LOL


I agree.
I apologize in his stead.

SCM
.....................................................

I inject humor where most think there is none, at hand.
Always, their be some available, underhand....dill lee.

If I remain lofty, people skim past my remarks.
Looking up makes others dizzy and crinks bad...their skinny necks.

Most eyes are fixed, just inches from their skull, and often only on any mirror close by.
Hmm.



_The Typist- _

PS:
They rudely and roughly, pull me out of the closet when those others (here) are bored or speechless.

When, outrageous remarks seem needed.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

I would not engage in an open marriage/relationship if I were you. I don't think it would help in your situation, and it doesn't seem like something you're comfortable with. Don't change who you are to suit someone else, EVER! Take it for what it is...that your relationship is OVER.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Your fiancée is doing the same thing my ex-wife did. Was already cheating and suggested an open marriage out of convenience for herself.

don't be a chump. Part from her. Sort out the kids. But do not tolerate that crap.

Get tested for STDs, you have been exposed.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Trident said:


> The 180 is for the sole purpose of preparing the person doing it to move on with their life and disconnect from the person who is in the process of dumping them. It's not some sort of manipulative tool to make the dumper rethink their decision because the dumpee is somehow suddenly a completely different person. Any such results would be temporary at best because they're due to behavior that is forced and is not due to real, sustainable underlying change.


Yes agreed, why? Did I imply otherwise? There is no point in him begging her, hanging around, he needs to detach. your point is?


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## Dadto2 (Aug 11, 2020)

You need to protect yourself, completely cut ties with her and start the healing process. Because it sounds like the only thing she may bring to the relationship is an STD from others.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

you call her your fiance, but obviously if she says she does not love you like she used to, and is asking for an open marriage....you do NOT want to marry her.

Maybe she is just going thru a phase, feeling unloved, needing some hot new sex. You can certainly TRY to make it work. Really up your sexual game. ask her what sort of kinky things she wants to try. It is certainly worth a shot.

good luck. sounds like she checked out already though

i hear a lot of people are developing full blown depression from all the stress of the coronavirus thing. Maybe she is just depressed, and hoping a new lover will knock her out of it. In reality, a new lover will probably make her more depressed, as she realizes she kicked her long term love (you) to the curb. I would feel her out on this. Maybe some professional help can be had here?


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

aine said:


> Yes agreed, why? Did I imply otherwise?


Yes, when you say "it will show her.." That makes the 180 about having some sort of effect on her, not him.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Looking at the title of your thread here is how I interpret it:

*Fiance doesn't love me as much as before* = Fiance doesn't love me. Quite possibly because she has found someone else who floats her boat.

*Suggest an open relationship* = Fiance wants to screw other men freely (or possibly continue screwing the one she has found) but wants the stability of having someone to fall back on for support should things not work out and until she is ready to really move on (aka the other branch is secure enough for the monkey to swing to).

I would not spend too much time trying to understand why and/or futher analyse this - time to protect yourself and move on.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

This thread seems pretty unanimous


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Trident said:


> Yes, when you say "it will show her.." That makes the 180 about having some sort of effect on her, not him.


No, it shows her he will not be walked over and he can move on


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