# Manned up? - In control v being controlling...



## Neil (Jan 5, 2011)

So the last few days have given me some additional thought.

I have (if I don't say so my self) manned up pretty well over the last couple of months. We are back on track (with the occasional wobble, which I snuff out well when needed).

Now, the thing that got me thinking was, a few interactions we had, I put my leadership head on, control the situation etc. But, another part of me thought, now, whilst I know what I am doing, does the Significant Other believe it controlling behaviour.

Yes we both have had jellousy traits in the past (and to some extent we both still do), and we all know that jellousy leads to some unwanted "controlling issues".

So, what I just wanted to point out, was that anyone on a manning up journey, be very careful that when you set your boundries etc and implement them, that you don't go OTT and actually make it come across as a controlling/abusive Partner.

not that I have, I can just see how their is a fine line between edging over to the other, especially when things aren't running smoothly.

Anyone else thought about it like that or been concious about pushing it too much, or have a well and truly barked up the wrong tree with this thought?

:scratchhead:


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Neil said:


> So the last few days have given me some additional thought.
> 
> I have (if I don't say so my self) manned up pretty well over the last couple of months. We are back on track (with the occasional wobble, which I snuff out well when needed).
> 
> ...


Boundaries do need thought and consideration. But first of all boundaries are erected to prevent further abusive behaviour. I don’t see it as controlling behaviour. I see controlling behaviour as in telling the other person they must change such that they don’t continue the abusive behaviour.

Whereas boundaries say “I do not tolerate that behaviour” leaving the onus on the other person to change if they so wish.

Bob


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## Wrench (Mar 21, 2011)

Cheers to that Neil, I'm telling myself that at least I'm paying attention to my actions and words now. 

I might cross the boundries now and again but I've found a quick apology/acknowledgment goes a long way. I blame testostrone


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## bill2011 (Feb 5, 2011)

I will tell you from my experience so far to I too did over do it in the beginning. I didn't want to give in on anything because I thought I was standing my ground. Now that I've been doing this for a while I've learned that not everything is a boundary issue and will listen to reason and compromise when necessary. With that said I will say there are a few areas which I have been holding firm on.

-Ensuring that I receive respect at all times
-Defending my children from my W, when I feel she goes too far.
-Let my W know what my needs are and expect to have them met just like she expects me to meet hers

The last one of course is the biggest challenge, but thanks to this forum and MEM, I've been able to make progress


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

This is an excellent distinction between maintaining boundaries and being controlling, courtesy of AffairCare from another thread:



Affaircare said:


> Actually you know what? That is a very common misconception. When a person sets a boundary, it is a rule about their own SELF and what they will or will not accept in their life. A boundary has NOTHING WHATSOEVER to do with "making a rule that another person has to live by." I realize it may sound like a really thin thread of a difference, but actually the difference is HUGE.
> 
> For example, what if I said I had the boundary that from this moment forward you had to show me every message that came into your cell phone, give me your passwords to everything (email, forums, facebook, etc.) because that's what I "needed" to believe you--otherwise I think you, Trenton, are a liar and degenerate. What are the chances you would say, "Oh I am completely willing to accept those boundaries"? I'm just guessing but I bet that would be *NIL TO NONE!!!* Know why? Because by making rules about YOU and what you HAVE TO DO I am not setting a boundary...I am controlling you.
> 
> ...


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

A big part of manning/growing up that continues at my house is a bit educational in nature.

Someone can "feel" an emotion.

Someone even can feel a certain way about something that happened.

But, when it drifts into a conclusion about the other person's character? And, the conversation drifts into a confession of his/her sins?

The urge to explain, justify, and or appeal to common sense is simply useless. It's become a fitness test.

Respond accordingly.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Your woman, she will let you know.

When the sex is as frequent as possible, and the relationship is flirty, challenging, playful, fun, and somewhat unpredictable, the man should know he is squarely where he should be.

Conrads point should not be missed, FAR more common for a man to find himself merely failing a fitness test rather than be "too controlling".

And high on this list of failing fitness tests, is the man believing his woman when she says he is "too jealous" of her. 

A woman is loving the jealousy of the man that lights her fire. Do NOt miss this and do NOT be tricked.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

_"I have no rights to make any demands on you. I’ll protect myself from the consequences of your behaviour (boundaries) but go right ahead and be what you choose to be and do what you choose to do”._ From “Awareness” by Anthony de Mello.

Bob


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