# Preventing sexless marriages



## SoWhat (Jan 7, 2012)

Putting sex *back* into sexless marriages is the usual topic here.

It is, by all indications, a very difficult task in most cases and requires initiative by both spouses. To a great extent, the low/no-drive spouse has to want to want to put sex back in the relationship, or want to make things better, etc. 

I've seen people talk about months, years, and decades they've spent trying to fix the problem. 

If fixing things proves actually or practically impossible, the three remaining options look to be: 1) remain celibate forevermore, 2) look outside the marriage for sex [either with our without spousal consent], or 3) Divorce.

1) is almost unimaginable for me. Some members here seem resigned to it, but they're likely in the minority. 
2) is frowned upon. Spousal consent does not appear to be likely for the vast majority of sexless marriages (which still confuses me, but that's another issue)
3) means heartbreak, trauma for your kids, and financial hardship. It's the 'nuclear option' and it DOES appear to be a sort of MAD strategy.


How do we avoid this sort of thing in the first place? 

Encourage pre-marital discussions about sexual levels and expectations? 
- This seems reasonable but perhaps not good at predicting the future frequency for two reasons: 

1) One side will have an incentive to misrepresent the level of sexual desires/needs they have. This is unlikely to be malicious - it's just something that they probably don't honestly think will be a big deal. Or they believe their level of sexuality will change when they're married. This looks like a 'bait-and-switch' to the other partner later on.


2) Sexual desires/needs may actually change. The spouse who actually DID want their partner 5x a week 10 years ago may change to a 5x a year person, through changes in hormones or long-term resentment or whatever. Again, it looks like a "bait-and-switch" when things change, even if the 'bait' was honest earlier.


Encourage future spouses to be more flexible with their spouse's sexuality? 
- That is, adjust the sexual expectations of the marriage. If a spouse doesn't desire sex, they don't demand life-long chastity from the other spouse to keep the marriage intact. Remove the ability to veto another person's entire future sex life by redefining what 'fidelity' means. 

As mentioned above, very few partners who don't actually desire sex with their spouse seem to be okay with their spouse having sex. So this seems fruitless; no matter how 'rational' it seems to allow a partner who has been withheld sex to go to 3rd parties for it, very few are comfortable with it. It's 'cheating' still.

Does anyone have advice to the great masses of how to avoid getting into this impossible situation in the first place?


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

I will do whatever it takes on my end to make sure my marriage will never be sexless. I'm the type who will usually grin and bear it if there is some pain, which I can say happens at a certain point in my cycle and my cervix is lower and gets hit sometimes. If I simply couldn't do it vaginally anymore, I'd be more than happy to replace it with hj's, bj's, anal or anything else that doesn't involve another person. Pleasing my partner is important to me.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

SoWhat said:


> Does anyone have advice to the great masses of how to avoid getting into this impossible situation in the first place?


-Love your spouse, take care of their needs.
-Love yourself, maintain a strong self respect
-Communicate, changes, desires, and needs
-Make it known that sex isn`t an option but the default.
-Make it known that a lack of sex is a deal breaker.


That`s all I got.
:smthumbup:


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

ScaredandUnsure said:


> I will do whatever it takes on my end to make sure my marriage will never be sexless. I'm the type who will usually grin and bear it if there is some pain, which I can say happens at a certain point in my cycle and my cervix is lower and gets hit sometimes. If I simply couldn't do it vaginally anymore, I'd be more than happy to replace it with hj's, bj's, anal or anything else that doesn't involve another person. Pleasing my partner is important to me.


And do it with enthusiasm and desire. There is nothing worse than a spouse who gives in to sex out of sense of duty or as a dreaded chore that must be taken care of. Ughh.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

morituri said:


> And do it with enthusiasm and desire. There is nothing worse than a spouse who gives in to sex out of sense of duty or as a dreaded chore that must be taken care of. Ughh.


Agreed, 100%
It makes me happy to make my S/O happy.


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## Flower25 (Jan 9, 2012)

SoWhat--

Good topic!

Preventing a Sexless Marriage is a CHOICE.

The good news and bad news about marriage is that it allows us to take our spouses for granted. This is good when we are sick and need someone to bring us medicine and make us soup. We take for granted that our spouse loves us enough to stay despite how miserable we may be to live with in the short-term.

Taking our spouses for granted is bad when it means we stop caring about how we treat them on a day-to-day basis. It is bad when we stop saying "Please" and "Thank you" at the dinner table. It is bad when we start being more polite to strangers than we are to our spouses. it is bad when we start using our homes as a place to "dump" all of our angers and frustrations and stress and petty complaints.

Spouses must make a conscious choice about the quality of their marriage. (And that does not mean promising to give BJs or always being willing to perform on certain nights or even guranteeing that your sexual wants and needs will not change over the years.)

Spouses must choose to treat each other as though they see each other as THE most important person in all the world. 

Spouses must also choose to see with their hearts instead of their eyes....and not to fixate on petty physical things like hair loss and weight gain.

It is easy to fall into bad habits. Be conscious of how you treat your spouse at all times. Work on the small day-to-day things.

The larger issues will take care of themselves...


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Sex starts long before the two spouses are in bed. All the interactions with each other during the day, will greatly determine if there is going to be more or less sexual intimacy happening.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

the only sure 100% way to insure that you won't end up in a sexless marriage is to never get married.


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## SoWhat (Jan 7, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> the only sure 100% way to insure that you won't end up in a sexless marriage is to never get married.


True. I guess I'm wondering if anyone has any suggestions for something less than 100% certainty. 

Calling sex "icky" - which my brother's fiance has done - is probably some sort of indication, right?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

SoWhat said:


> True. I guess I'm wondering if anyone has any suggestions for something less than 100% certainty.
> 
> Calling sex "icky" - which my brother's fiance has done - is probably some sort of indication, right?


when someone calls sex icky that is a huge red flag.....

better give your brother the heads up and steer him over to this site.


he will still marry her but you will be able to tell him I TOLD YOU SO.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> when someone calls sex icky that is a huge red flag.....
> 
> better give your brother the heads up and steer him over to this site.
> 
> ...


:iagree: Yep better nip that in the bud now!


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## SoWhat (Jan 7, 2012)

He knows. It's going to be sad.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

One 100% successful approach is to not marry.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

I never have understood how sex could be icky. I mean I understand in certain cases of where abuse has/had been present or if your in constant pain either from a medical issue or an uncaring partner. But for a healthy adult individual, I just can't fathom it. It's always baffled me to be honest. I really feel sorrow for folks who don't enjoy sex to the fullest.

I guess everyone has their differences though.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> the only sure 100% way to insure that you won't end up in a sexless marriage is to never get married.





Runs like Dog said:


> One 100% successful approach is to not marry.


Is there an echo in here?:lol:

On the premise that an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, it's got to worth discussing. Solutions are generally going to encompass things like:

Free and frank communication;
Meeting needs without overwhelming expectation;
Compromise;
Being willing to be taught and lead
etc.

You know, all of those things that involve mutually, tolerance, love, agreement and plain effort that lots of people would rather have their hands nailed to the table than actually do themselves...


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> the only sure 100% way to insure that you won't end up in a sexless marriage is to never get married.


Chilly wins the thread.

You can close it now.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

There are no guarantees in life. Getting married, like having a child, is a leap of faith. How can you be sure that your spouse will not spend beyond your means? How can you be sure that your spouse will not cheat on you?

The best that you can do is discuss this issue beforehand. Pay attention to how she acts now. Does she initiate frequently? Does she ever complain about lovemaking being a chore?

Like any other problem in a marriage, do not let things get out of hand. At the very first sign of difficulty, bring the issue up. Keep communicating. If you meet her emotional needs, she is likely to want to meet your needs.

That is the heart of the matter. If she loves you she will want to figure out how to stay connected to you sexually. You need to let her know that this is one of your needs, like her need to be loved.


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

We have not had a "sexless" marriage, but we certainly have had our share of issues regarding frequency. She was such a horny teenager (we got married at 16 & 17; I got her pregnant) but it did not take long for things to cool down. Several things contributed to that. Kids are exhausting and I did not help much. I did not treat her very well which caused her to withdraw emotionally. Once I learned how t0 show her love in a way that she understood (The Five Love Languages) and once we learned, through a counselor, our personality types (Myers-Briggs) things started to improve. Recently, I have been applying the principles of The Married Man Sex Life and things are even better.

Often sex is a symptom of greater marital issues (communication, intimacy, finances, expectations, etc.). Once those issues begin to resolve the sex improves. Many sexless marriages are a result of either one or both partners refusing to deal with their own issues.


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## Drewgar (Jan 11, 2012)

The problem i see is i myself would hate to be in a sexless Marriage but am so in love with my wife i would maybe put up with it, Things can never be quite so simple as black and white
people always have to do or deal with issuse in life that suck but you get on with it none the less.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

romantic_guy said:


> We have not had a "sexless" marriage, but we certainly have had our share of issues regarding frequency. She was such a horny teenager (we got married at 16 & 17; I got her pregnant) but it did not take long for things to cool down. Several things contributed to that. Kids are exhausting and I did not help much. I did not treat her very well which caused her to withdraw emotionally. Once I learned how t0 show her love in a way that she understood (The Five Love Languages) and once we learned, through a counselor, our personality types (Myers-Briggs) things started to improve. Recently, I have been applying the principles of The Married Man Sex Life and things are even better.
> 
> Often sex is a symptom of greater marital issues (communication, intimacy, finances, expectations, etc.). Once those issues begin to resolve the sex improves. Many sexless marriages are a result of either one or both partners refusing to deal with their own issues.


Thank you for writing this. Despite feeling positive in my/our progression ...and we haven't had a 'sexless' marriage either but it's somewhat comforting to read other (successful) journeys! have also been journeys. I don't know if that makes sense? :scratchhead: lol. Ownership of own behavior is key, both people need to step up, but someone has to go first. It can sometimes take swallowing ego to do this, but it's necessary.

My 30's drive kicked-in in a BIG way, and my "assertiveness" increased. I feel like I'm getting back to basics on a sensual level again. Rediscovering how to tease and seduce him subtly. 

Besides the obvious that behavior outside the bedroom is paramount; I also offer that we adore and accept our SO for who they are ~ sexually speaking I mean. I think it's important to have sexual compatibility first off. There's also value in finding a middle-ground and loving our partner for who they are. The sexual journey can cause us to become selfishly-minded. I'm not saying this is all bad, but it's a reality. Encouraging sexual openness to be a fun, positive and ongoing experience, needs to start from a place that is supportive and considerate. I feel my husband and I understand one another better now, and this translates to our sex life. Things can change from the first few years together, we're going on 17 years now and as people we change, our needs change. It's learning to change together and to continue to be open with one another.

Despite the sexual, the foundation of the rest of the marriage really needs to be strong. Without a good foundation to build upon ....[insert a cheesy analogy here about unsteady foundations] ...you get the point, it's important.


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## SoWhat (Jan 7, 2012)

Drewgar said:


> The problem i see is i myself would hate to be in a sexless Marriage but am so in love with my wife i would maybe put up with it, Things can never be quite so simple as black and white
> people always have to do or deal with issuse in life that suck but you get on with it none the less.


I understand what you're saying.
But, let's say this was a given BEFORE you got married.

That is, your fiance (now your wife) says: "Once you sign this piece of paper, we will have procreative sex 2 or 3 times. That's it. You will then be celibate for the rest of your life."

Would you have gone ahead back then?


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## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

Excellent thread!

I hope scaredandunsure's future husband has the same attitude towards marriage and sex as she has...because it will last!

The lack of sex (for whatever reason) in a marriage causes frustration. 
If a wife is injured or develops an illness that is serious enough to prevent her from having any form of sex with her husband, is it right that the husband remains celibate for the rest of his life? No.
Should he divorce her just because she can't have sex with him? No.
So what should he do? He loves his wife dearly, she needs him to look after her...but he is still a man.

The OP - 'sowhat' gave three possibles - be celibate, get sexual relief elsewhere or divorce. 
Divorce is, as he said, a bit 'nuclear'!

A more realistic scenario, but still the same principle; married couple, 2 children, dog, nice house, he is the main bread winner, she has a part-time job, she does 60% of the household chores, he does 40%, she generally looks after school stuff, he generally gets the cars services, cuts the grass, chops the firewood....in other worlds an 'ideal' team.
But there is a black cloud hanging over the marriage....the wife has a very low sex drive, knows it and knows her husband is frustrated yet she isnt prepared to compromise. 

What does the husband do? Suffer in silence? Remove the black cloud by getting what he needs and craves elsewhere or sets off a nuclear explosion and divorces? 

There are many men (and women) in sexless marriages, ones where the LD spouse simply does not understand the importance of sex or has the desire for it. 

We all know that men need and want sex more often than women (generally!!)...knowing this, where do the LD wives really think their husbands are getting their needs satisfied? 
If I was a LD wife and knew that my husband was in the bathroom jacking off, I would feel very ashamed indeed...and do everything I possibly could to change things - especially if I loved him.

If I really couldnt be bothered then I would expect him to get relief elsewhere.


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## Drewgar (Jan 11, 2012)

SoWhat said:


> I understand what you're saying.
> But, let's say this was a given BEFORE you got married.
> 
> That is, your fiance (now your wife) says: "Once you sign this piece of paper, we will have procreative sex 2 or 3 times. That's it. You will then be celibate for the rest of your life."
> ...


I honestly could not say, maybe i would and hope that i could change her mind, maybe depends on how much i love them.
On the other hand while i find sex is important in my marriage could i live without it for a right woman i think maybe i could:scratchhead:


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

romantic_guy said:


> Many sexless marriages are a result of either one or both partners refusing to deal with their own issues.


:iagree:
This is about as dead on as you can get.


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## siidear (Jan 14, 2012)

It is easy to fall into bad habits. Be conscious of how you treat your spouse at all times.


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## needing_affection (Jan 2, 2012)

jezza said:


> Excellent thread!
> 
> I hope scaredandunsure's future husband has the same attitude towards marriage and sex as she has...because it will last!
> 
> ...


Wow jezza, do you know me? You just described my wife and family to a T! 

Since I know the pain of having someone cheat (my ex wife) I know thats something I could never resort to. I think a divorce would come before that. I just don't understand how a partner can proclaim to love the other and yet blatently ignore their sexual needs at the same time. I ask myself this everyday as this is the situation I find myself in with my 2nd wife.

I think every situation is different and therefore each person has to decide for themselves which of the 3 are the answer. Celibacy, cheating, or divorce....


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

This is a great thread ! 

These are the sole options, aren't they. I sympathize with anyone who finds themselves in this awful position to have to make these heartwrenching decisions.

I feel the answer is .......never jump into a marraige & make damn sure you marry a Pleaser, someone who is not selfish and has demonstratingly shown how much they are devoted to your needs, even when they are not their needs. Someone with character, integrity, honesty and self sacrificing for those they love, *and a sex drive *! 

I married that type of man, my drive is higher now and darn he has been amazing about that, He didn't even turn me down when I caused him performance pressure. Most men would be embarrassed, shreik, hide, make excuses, push me away -I never faced any of that. 

SO many stories I read on here , I can not even fathom being in those shoes, I would be so angry , frustrated, boiling over with resentment, I can see why people fall into affairs, and do things they shouldn't. I can sympathize with the sexually weak who has been beaten down to such a degree by rejection by someone they love & devoted themselves too, the good men & women who gave their all, don't want to loose their children, it just shouldn't be - I have even teared up reading some of these stories, I get a little angry when those who are honest about what they are struggling with get beat up for expressing it. I sympathize with the high drivers!


Me & my husband have talked about .....IF one of us ever got a severe disability where sex was no longer possible (paraplegic for instance) .... I once did a thread on this issue , then deleted months later .....

...... it was about a movie we watched & the long talk we had afterwards, the movie was "Breaking the Waves" about a vibrant happy young "just married" couple, he had a tragic work accident -left him a Paraplegic -- he wanted his young wife to have sex with other men-then come back & tell him about it (that was a bit much) - he refused to allow her to suffer for his fate, but wanted her to stay with him , take care of him. It was very difficult to watch. Heartbreaking & the ending just as bad.

My husband told me he would not want me to suffer had the unthinkable come upon us, he would "allow" me to go - have it elsewhere under those very very cruel circumstances of life...because my happiness would be THAT important to him and he knows what SEX does for me....It would hurt him but he would understand. The most important thing for him - would be me staying to take care of him, He would not want to be reduced to just a burden, but give me an outlet. Doesn't mean I would do that, but just his attitude in this, considering My pain, how very giving, how very sacrificial, many tears when he said these things to me. Just imaging how this would feel on both ends, a spouse would HATE themselves for even considering doing that, but what has been Lost , oh how much has been lost !!! I can't think of anything more painful to deal with in this life. 

I had many who wanted to bring judgement down on our views, talk about how moral they are , how they would never do such a thing, and better to divorce him, bla bla bla, made me feel ashamed for even bringing such a topic up.

Can anyone relate to such pain as that, I just don't feel people should judge unless they have walked in such shoes. It is between a husband & a wife in a situation that less than 1%if the population could even comprehend . And I also feel the same as he, I would not want my husband to suffer if I was unable to be there for him sexually, if my arms could not touch him, if I had no feeling inbetween my legs .... but from his end, he said he would NEVER be with another, his hand would be enough, he could never do that, I believe him. 

Honestly.... I can not boast I am that wonderful ......I am afraid I would become a basketcase, I am weaker than him, I would be angry, resentful with my life being reduced to a "caretaker" - at least during the Prime years, I think it would be beyond excrusiating & I believe I would fall into a deep depression.... I would need much help to cope, get through the day, Greiving overload. I KNOW I would be very very envious of those who had a normal sex life. 

But when we get older, we kinda expect our bodies to break down and as our libidos slowly decline. It just wouldn't be as painful as in the Prime years when we are burning with sexual "need". 

Life has some really cruel turns for some. I find it most selfish if we turn a blind eye to our partner's "Needs"- when we are so able to "DO'" --- just hearing or imagining of such situations where it has been "taken" from some so cruely who would give anything to GIVE like that, shame shame on those who do nothing, think nothing of denying their partners.....when they have it all, so easily to give.


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## alphapuppy (Jan 17, 2012)

I actually think that, in our oversexualized (and undersensualized) culture, this issue is pathologized to an extent that exacerbates it. 

The larger problem is emotional, IMO. Both spouses often feel entitled to be "right" rather than to be "kind" with respect to their spouse's behavior. Or, one spouse (or both) fail to care for themselves emotionally, and the consequence is that s/he/they feel unworthy of love and/or sex. 

I think there are so many reasons that are rooted in pathology regarding anger, guilt, and low self-worth. We think another person has made us forget these troubles. Then, we realize that those troubles are still there. Then we blame the other person for either creating them, making them worse, or not solving them. And then, we despair and give up on ourselves or the relationship and begin to act angry, guilty, despairing, etc, all very unsexy, unkind ways to act.

I mean, maybe I'm overstepping my expertise, but I think that two happy, fulfilled, emotionally-healed individuals can probabaly work things out. It's just that being happy, fulfilled, and emotionally-healed are pretty uncommon things to be.


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## alphapuppy (Jan 17, 2012)

Re: icky sex, Sure, it's kind of a weird thing, right? Undignified? There's a reason it's called a beast with two backs right?

But if she really means it... well, I hope they've got good health insurance, cause they're gonna want a sex therapist, stat.


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

The only way to "avoid" it is to change sexual partners/spouses/wives/husbands every three years!


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