# What a Strong Independant Wife Wants/Needs from her husband...



## I'm_Trying

I was reading what men and women want or need from their spouses. There are many different personality types that would play into what one would want or need.

My wife is very strong, independant. She's not vocal with her emotions. She doesn't like to put those things out there. She's not mushy, not cuddley or lovey dovey. She's COMPLETELY opposite of me. I like to be close. I like to verbally express how I feel about her. I like physical touch. Sometimes it gets me down because I feel like I try what would satisfy me on her and it doesn't vibe. 

So to all of you stroing independant type women out there. What is it that you long for from your hsuband? What is it that gets you to give him what he wants/needs?

It's hard for a husband to think that he isn't giving you exactly what you want/need...


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## I'm_Trying

FYI...
On top of the physical things in which I have listed, I do always give my wife what she deserves. Respect, love, support, acknowledgement. I try to make her life low stress. I'm a proud husband. Like I am a proud dad. She has had many big accomplishments which I am extremely proud of. I know I could never get another woman like her. She is an indiviual. One of a kind. I couldn't imagine having to go through my life with out her now that I have her as my best friend and know that someone so great does in fact exist...


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## sisters359

Well first, quit trying to guess or ask strangers. Ask her. If she is truly independent, she will know you cannot read her mind, and she'll be happy to tell you. Also, do not be needy--her strength may make you think that is ok, but it isn't. Strong people admire and respect others who are strong, too. They have compassion for those who have a reason to be needy (children, people who are ill, etc.), but they do not have a lot of compassion for adults who choose to act dependent. 

Be fun and interesting. Playfulness is good, but also be willing (and prepared) to have intellectually challenging conversations--keep up on the news, etc. 

Claim "ownership" of activities about 1/2 the time--you make the plans and she gets to tag along for the fun. She will grow tired of always having to be responsible for YOUR entertainment (that's a sign of dependency on your part). 

Set challenges for yourself and work to meet them. She'll respect and admire that. 

These are just some ideas off the cuff. Good luck!


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## MEM2020

I'm Trying

Read the link below. If it resonates let me know what you think. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/21278-thermostat-ultimate-barometer-your-r.html





I'm_Trying said:


> I was reading what men and women want or need from their spouses. There are many different personality types that would play into what one would want or need.
> 
> My wife is very strong, independant. She's not vocal with her emotions. She doesn't like to put those things out there. She's not mushy, not cuddley or lovey dovey. She's COMPLETELY opposite of me. I like to be close. I like to verbally express how I feel about her. I like physical touch. Sometimes it gets me down because I feel like I try what would satisfy me on her and it doesn't vibe.
> 
> So to all of you stroing independant type women out there. What is it that you long for from your hsuband? What is it that gets you to give him what he wants/needs?
> 
> It's hard for a husband to think that he isn't giving you exactly what you want/need...


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## I'm_Trying

Sorry about not being clear.
I don't come across as being needy. I don't ask for extras. Here's an example of how things go in a day...
We wake up. I make coffee. I get my oldest up for school and get my youngest's stuff ready for daycare. I iron my clothes, hers if they need to be. I get dressed. I start the car. I get the little one up when he wakes up and finish getting him ready. 
Al the while she is able to relax and get herself ready without stressing too much in the morning. Do I feel I do too much? No, because I have the time to do it all. Because I like to be busy. I do however acknowledge the fact that it is quite a bit and not the norm for most.
We carpool to work so after work we pick up the little one. When we get home I prep and cook dinner while she tends to the youngest. Usually she will pick up after dinner though sometimes I tell her that I can handle it.
Weekends I make breakfast and bring it to her in bed. It's nice to be able to relax before everyone gets up.
At the end of the day, we share our responsibilities.

But I know that I put in quite a bit. I was hoping that someone could give some insight before I go asking her. It would be nice if one day she was suddenly surprised that I have stepped it up a bit more without having to run to her with it.


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## magnoliagal

I'm_Trying said:


> So to all of you stroing independant type women out there. What is it that you long for from your hsuband? What is it that gets you to give him what he wants/needs?


Are you my dh? Just kidding he doesn't do boards so I'm safe.

Wow I'd love to talk to you more about the husband side of this as yes I'm a "trying to take it down a few notches strong independent type woman". But first I'll answer your question. My husband gave me everything I wanted (space, freedom, support, all of it)....except sex. It seems the longer we were married, the less lovey dovey I was with him the more he withdrew. The more he withdrew the angrier I got until we spent years in this vicious cycle. 

My first clue as to what was wrong was when I took a women's bible study. That peeked my interest and since then I've been reading every book I could get my hands on about men and relationships. My unofficial diagnosis: I have a case of role reversal on my hands. He's more the cuddly, lovey dovey type and I'm kinda of aloof and unemotional. Sex was more mechanical for me and he wanted it to be more intimate. It wasn't working for him so he quit.

One of my favorite books that mentions role reversal is John Grays mars and venus get married or in long term relationship forget which. He gives good tips on how to get a woman back to her feminine sides. Right now your wife is operating on her male side (it's where I gravitate to so I have to work at it to be more soft and feminine). On the flip side you are operating on your female side so if you can get to be more male she will get more female. It's all about balance. yin/yang, light/dark that kind of thing.

I feel for you. Even knowing all this it's still a struggle for me to get in touch with my feminine side. It's like I'm so male I need a checklist. Hug dh. Check. Kiss him and mean it. Check. Give him a back rub. Check. I love him dearly and would do anything for him but lovey dovey is not my first language.


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## I'm_Trying

@MEM
Dead on...
I have retracted from all of that. Minus the housework/responsibilities. Like I said, I like to be busy...

Let me ask this though...
Doesn't look like a lop sided compromise if one is doing as they always do and the other is the one changing behavior? 
To be totally hinest, I felt like I was ok with it all. I had accepted it. I had seen this site before and I like to come by and see what is helping and what isn't. Getting tips from readings.
Once I read some of the posts about what a man or woman wants/needs from their spouse, I got to thinking.

A lot of women responded by saying that after reading those posts, they are going to tell their husband's how much they really love and appreciate him. It just got me thinking. If my wife read this stuff, would she be thinking the same thing?


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## magnoliagal

I'm_Trying said:


> But I know that I put in quite a bit. I was hoping that someone could give some insight before I go asking her. It would be nice if one day she was suddenly surprised that I have stepped it up a bit more without having to run to her with it.


You won't like this statement. You aren't needy you are doing too much and getting nothing in return. My dh was there too. Truthfully he should have stopped as I took complete and full advantage of him. In the process I lost respect for him as a man.

You are going to have to have a conversation with her. Say I do this FOR you and I need this FROM you...in detail. And if she doesn't comply with meeting your needs for lovey dovey then pull back and quit being HER helpmate.


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## I'm_Trying

I read something the other day.
It's business related but totally relates to relationships as well.

People wil always do what they know. Even if they know the outcome could or would be negative. No one wants to do what they don't know because they are afraid of the outcome.

I thought about that after I told myself that I wouldn't want to pull back more because I'd be afraid that I would be sitting where I am right now. BUT, why woudn't I try it? Because now, there is an opprotunity that something great could come of it. What's the worst that could happen? I stay at the same state as I'm at right now?

I suppose I just have to try something different and be open to the results...


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## magnoliagal

Oh MEM good link and that explains a lot. I used to be the cool one until he stopped having sex with me. Then dh flipped to the cool one and I became the hot one. I see it now. I mean now that I get this if I get needy/clingy and feel him pulling away I know that's a sign I need to move away and do less to restore balance in our marriage. Doing more never works. The other just retreats even further. Been there done that a hundred times before.

Interesting read. Thanks.


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## Trenton

I'm Trying, what about her do you love? What does she do that makes you want to treat her so well?

Sorry, but I don't buy that one is always taken advantage of while the other gets away with murder. Both have to be getting and giving something or comfortable with the level of getting/giving or it wouldn't happen.


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## I'm_Trying

Trenton said:


> I'm Trying, what about her do you love? What does she do that makes you want to treat her so well?
> 
> Sorry, but I don't buy that one is always taken advantage of while the other gets away with murder. Both have to be getting and giving something or comfortable with the level of getting/giving or it wouldn't happen.


We get along great! We're best friends. We laugh. We share the same beliefs. We parent the same. She drives me to be better. She's supportive. Maybe there is some misconception. She's not treating me poorly. I'm not complaining about how or who she is. I'm trying to figure out how I can get her comfortable enough to meet me on my level of affection. I try to by her while still staying true to me. I want to know how might a strong independant woman who isn't all that emotional show more emotion towards he SO who is an emotional affectionate type.
Make sense?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trenton

It makes sense but I can't help you...I'm an emotional woman.

I just didn't want to see the thread turn to a "You need to man up" thread if your wife and you are happy and she is a good wife but you are looking for more affection.


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## I'm_Trying

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'm_Trying

She's good to me. Just isn't at all intimate. I'm trying to get that back.
Maybe I could lay off a bit. See what happens...
The link that MEM posted definitely posted me to be the warm one...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AvaTara539

I am not at all a lovey dovey, mushy, PDA or touchy feely woman. I am the definition of a strong independent female. I would NEVER knowingly get involved with someone who was reliant on a lot of touch or reassurance to be satisfied in a relationship because I know how that works out. To me, if I love a man, I'm with him, I'm visibly happy, we have a good sex life, and that should be enough for him to know. I really do not understand why anybody needs more than that. My advice to you is that you can talk about how to reach a middle ground on affection standards, that's what I'm doing with my husband now. He is totally mushy and has never been this way before we were married, and I've been friends with him over a decade and never seen him like this with another woman. He is fully aware I am not very PDA, romantic or cuddly and that this is not going to change much. So I'm finding this out about him for the first time and trying to reach a middle ground without wounding his ego. I'd just like to tell you as the kind of woman you are talking about... touchy vs not touchy is NOT a personal thing, it is a subjective personality issue- if a woman is not touchy it does not mean she loves you less, she just operates in expression of that love very differently.


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## MarriedWifeInLove

I am a strong independent woman.

But I'm like you.

I like the mushy, lovey-dovey, hold my hand and tell me you love me type of thing.

I'm also big time into physical touch.

I don't see how independent and strong has anything to do with emotions.

I think she's emotionally bankrupt - it's just not her.

I'm you and my husband is her.

He's the quiet, Alpha type who was taught to not show weakness or emotions - that showing you care, love and feel are all signs of weakness.

I've had to adapt - I've been adapting our entire 27 years together and I suspect I'll be adapting until one of us are in the grave.

I've learned NOT to take it personally (he's this way with everyone he's close to), and that he really does love me - just sucks at showing it the way I need it - but he does it in little ways now and then because he knows what it means to me (hugging me for no reason on occasion, patting me on the back when we're in bed, etc.).

Small things - but they show me he loves me and while it's not the fireworks I would like - I've compromised and take what he can give.


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## SimplyAmorous

I'm_Trying said:


> My wife is very strong, independant. She's not vocal with her emotions. She doesn't like to put those things out there. She's not mushy, not cuddley or lovey dovey. She's COMPLETELY opposite of me. I like to be close. I like to verbally express how I feel about her. I like physical touch. Sometimes it gets me down because I feel like I try what would satisfy me on her and it doesn't vibe.


Reading some of these posts are giving me the impression that anyone who is mushy, Romantic, Emotionally Expressive & who enjoys alot of affection is somehow WEAK. 

I am going to have to disagree with this - NOT always the case. I may not be a Career Woman but for the role I play in life & interactions with others, I feel I am independent, and can be very strong minded at times. 

I do agree with AvaTara, it likely IS a personality /Love Language thing, as for her, she does not understand why anybody "needs" more than that saying ..."if I love a man, I'm with him, I'm visibly happy, we have a good sex life, and that should be enough for him to know". 

I am wondering what exactly this means though


> I would NEVER knowingly get involved with someone who was reliant on a lot of touch or reassurance to be satisfied in a relationship because I know how that works out.


 I don't know that we RELY on it as much as we just ENJOY it, it brings us happiness, we delight in discussig our innermost feelingswith each other - And touching each other. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with us --or those who don't need it, for that matter. But when these personalities collide, it can be a real disconnect in marraige when one is matched with the opposite. 

I am the total opposite of AvaTara , I would never want a man who didnt have those things. I would find that type of man cold and distant. 

Do the Link for starters. I am always for communication personally. My husband used to want to be MORE intimate with me-when I was too much into the kids, but he didn't really have a heart to heart with me about how he was feeling. I wish he had done that. I believe I would have cared. Now we are totally on the same page. 

Depends on your wife & what is most likely to reach her, as we are all so different.


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## AvaTara539

SimplyAmorous said:


> Reading some of these posts are giving me the impression that anyone who is mushy, Romantic, Emotionally Expressive & who enjoys alot of affection is somehow WEAK.
> 
> I am going to have to disagree with this - NOT always the case. I may not be a Career Woman but for the role I play in life & interactions with others, I feel I am independent, and can be very strong minded at times.
> 
> I do agree with AvaTara, it likely IS a personality /Love Language thing, as for her, she does not understand why anybody "needs" more than that saying ..."if I love a man, I'm with him, I'm visibly happy, we have a good sex life, and that should be enough for him to know".
> 
> I am wondering what exactly this means though
> 
> I don't know that we RELY on it as much as we just ENJOY it, it brings us happiness, we delight in discussig our innermost feelingswith each other - And touching each other. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with us --or those who don't need it, for that matter. But when these personalities collide, it can be a real disconnect in marraige when one is matched with the opposite.
> 
> I am the total opposite of AvaTara , I would never want a man who didnt have those things. I would find that type of man cold and distant.
> 
> Do the Link for starters. I am always for communication personally. My husband used to want to be MORE intimate with me-when I was too much into the kids, but he didn't really have a heart to heart with me about how he was feeling. I wish he had done that. I believe I would have cared. Now we are totally on the same page.
> 
> Depends on your wife & what is most likely to reach her, as we are all so different.


What I meant was that I've had relationships with guys before and they have bombed because they could not get over that I was not super mushy and cuddly like they were. They could not accept that there was a limit for me, that I like having my physical space. I don't mean sex, I've actually always been very high sex drive in relationships, but that tender touching, hand holding, gentle kissing, cuddling, just never been something I liked to do. And I do know from past experience that some people NEED to be with someone who is very physically affectionate and I can't provide that, so I wouldn't date someone I knew was really mushy bc I know it would probably just be a waste of our time and our emotions (since dating someone like that has always turned out to never work and the not so touchy thing was always an annoyingly large part of that). 

Truthfully I think most people are pretty touchy, non PDA folks like me seem to be way less of the population. So it's simple for us to just say "well I don't know why they NEED something I don't need" and perceive that as weakness (well not weakness necessarily but insecurity). But we would be wrong because it's just a love language thing, a difference in the expression of affection. I have to admit I still always feel like it must be an insecurity thing to need constant reaffirmation of your standing with someone through touch or mushy words- but I know logically that I am wrong.


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## Mrs.G

A strong woman needs respect. She needs a man who knows when to help and when to step away. 
It appears that being affectionate is a sign of weakness by some who have posted. That's so sad.
Cuddling, kissing and other romantic touching is one of the joys of being in a relationship. To enjoy such things is normal and healthy.
I feel much sympathy for husbands who have cold wives. It must be lonely!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sisters359

I'm very independent and very affectionate--with kids, family, friends, and, in a previous life, boyfriends. I know that when my kids were little, my need for space asserted itself--because small children require so much physical affection--which I gave readily, but had to get my hour/day away too (usually for exercise ON MY OWN!! My "leave me alone" hour). 

Some people just don't enjoy touching outside of sex. I don't think it is "sad," b/c it is how they are. Others are very clingy--not just affectionate. Interestingly, my ex was very emotionally clingy and needy but also wanted no physical touching that was NOT sexual. So there can be all sorts of combinations. 

Slightly off topic; sorry!


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## sisters359

I'm Trying, is your wife physically affectionate with the kids, other people, or even pets?


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## AvaTara539

Mrs.G said:


> A strong woman needs respect. She needs a man who knows when to help and when to step away.
> It appears that being affectionate is a sign of weakness by some who have posted. That's so sad.
> Cuddling, kissing and other romantic touching is one of the joys of being in a relationship. To enjoy such things is normal and healthy.
> I feel much sympathy for husbands who have cold wives. It must be lonely!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Never said I felt it was a sign of weakness  And I'm not a cold wife because I communicate my love differently than constant physical PDA. If you would judge other women that way that's pretty pitiful of you.


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## Mrs.G

AvaTara539 said:


> Never said I felt it was a sign of weakness  And I'm not a cold wife because I communicate my love differently than constant physical PDA. If you would judge other women that way that's pretty pitiful of you.


Uh, I was referring SimplyAmorous post, not yours dear! No need to call me pitiful. Try to get all the facts before you respond angrily to something.
Bless your heart, AvaTara. *smile*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AvaTara539

Mrs.G said:


> Uh, I was referring SimplyAmorous post, not yours dear! No need to call me pitiful. Try to get all the facts before you respond angrily to something.
> Bless your heart, AvaTara. *smile*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She did not say she felt it was a sign of weakness either, which is very clear if you read the sentence she actually uses the word "weak" in. So I maintain my initial opinion. And FYI an opinion does not necessarily mean a woman is being "angry"- you keep reaching this errant conclusion with my posts. It's pretty sad if you feel this way, and explains the origins of your feelings on the exemplary wife post quite clearly. Lucky for your husband, sad for womanhood!


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## Runs like Dog

There's an Arabic saying which goes "What women want is roasted ice".


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## Trenton

Funny...because what men want are women so by that thinking men will spend their time trying to roast ice to appease the woman. I'm not sure which is stupider.


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## Syrum

Runs like Dog said:


> There's an Arabic saying which goes "What women want is roasted ice".


MMMM roasted ice, my favourite.


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## Syrum

Trenton said:


> Funny...because what men want are women so by that thinking men will spend their time trying to roast ice to appease the woman. I'm not sure which is stupider.


:rofl:


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## hippygirl39

If the communication between you is good then the only thing I can think of is that she is not comfortable being a touch feely type of person. I was brought up in a house where we didn't hug and kiss each other at all and, although we do it when we see each other now as we all live far apart, it still doesn't feel comfortable to me at times. If she shows that she loves you in other ways does it really matter? Maybe you would be happier if you could accept that this this may be just how she is.


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## MEM2020

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>


SimplyAmorous said:


> Reading some of these posts are giving me the impression that anyone who is mushy, Romantic, Emotionally Expressive & who enjoys alot of affection is somehow WEAK.
> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
> 
> Not at all. I LOVE affection. I love that my W loves affection. I would not stay with a woman who was not much for being touched both non-sexually and sexually.
> 
> That said - there are times when my W wants her space. They are not frequent but they are REALLY important to her when they happen. And when that occurs I leave her alone until she comes to me. This is not a "power play", it is simply a recognition that insisting someone give you something when they need time to breathe is bad for the marriage.
> 
> So it would be WEAK for me to press for affection when she clearly wants/needs space. The same with all our love languages. If I needed to hear "ILY" more often and was saying it to her too frequently she would feel crowded.
> 
> All I am saying is that there are ebbs and flows in the temperature and trying to "pressure" your partner into being warmer usually produces the opposite effect. While being a bit more reserved yourself generally gets a warmer response.
> 
> All of this assumes that the "core" marriage dynamic is healthy, there is mutual respect and love and attraction. If all that is true, then this stuff works very consistently.


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## SimplyAmorous

hippychick223 said:


> I was brought up in a house where we didn't hug and kiss each other at all and, although we do it when we see each other now as we all live far apart, it still doesn't feel comfortable to me at times. If she shows that she loves you in other ways does it really matter? Maybe you would be happier if you could accept that this this may be just how she is.


I would say it DOES matter (to him) if it is his love language. He will likely struggle feeling fullfilled , he will be longing for something more. NOt that this is anything new under the sun in most marraiges. BUt still not easy to just accept, when it is so common and natural in other marraiges. 

This thing about being raised certain ways is not even true for all - because I was NOT raised with alot of hugging & kissing at all in my youth & into my teen years . I remember I used to love scratching my friends back & her scratching mine, I think my mom did this when I asked her, but this was our most physical contact. 

When I met my then boyfriend/now husband, he was always touchy feely, I think THIS was probably one of the reasons I loved him so much. He was shy, not the life of the party, or any of that Alpha stuff girls look for, but I felt loved so much by him, it reeled me in. I began to even love myself more. I feel alot of it had to do with all that affection and touching he was giving me. (Even though we waited for sex). I think I missed these things in my growing up years. 

So you can be a child who was not getting your love languages met even. I have this book Amazon.com: The Five Love Languages of Children (9781881273653): Gary Chapman, Ross Campbell M.D.: Books I have observed my children , I know for about 4 of them what their primarys are. I will give them much wisdom when they start dating to look for someone who speaks their language so these things will flow naturally between them. It sure helps!


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## grayhound

I'm going to chime in with a different angle...

I was very affectionate with my ex-boyfriends, but with my husband... not so much. Not even from the beginning.

Most of it is the WAY he touches me.

He's awkward, leans on me, gets in my personal space... it's overwhelming.

When he approaches for a hug... think frankenstein.... 90 degree angle arms up and out then WHAM, onto my shoulders.

When he puts his arm around me, he puts all of his weight on me. If I lean my head on his shoulder, he then has to lean his head on my head. When we fool around, he never takes on his own weight... it's like he's always draped over me or has an elbow somewhere... as if he has no muscle support.

I see a man putting his arm around a woman as something to feel "safe" with and strong... his heavy leaning says in body language speak that I'm supposed to be the masculine support. If that makes sense.

Also... he's a light, wet, sloppy kisser. I tried a dozen times to teach him not to drool, but it didn't work. Too much saliva, no strength and all leaning on my face (again with the weight).

So, I find his advances awkward, heavy and forced. We even went over this in marriage counseling. He put his arm around me and rubbed my shoulder, but in a mechanical, robotic movement that drove me crazy.

I want light, organic... yet strong. 

I have NO idea how to convey or communicate this, though :/ I've tried many many times and he just does not retain it or get what I'm asking, then it hurts his feelings and I feel like a chump.

If you are heavy handed in your affection, or you audibly sigh every time she doesn't touch you... it's going to be a turn off for her... I can tell you that.

Try lightly brushing her lower back, taking her hand for a few seconds (from a distance), putting your hand lightly on her knee while driving or sitting. Do light and airy things, first.

I hate to say this, but when my husband told me that I wasn't being "lovey dovey" enough, I found it to be really unsexy and the opposite of masculine. I wouldn't bring it up unless you really have to. Try being lightly affectionate towards her before you say anything. (just my opinion).

I, too, married my best friend. I thought that passion was going to fade so I went with someone I could laugh with instead. I'm re-thinking that now as we are like two ships in the night, passing through the kitchen these days.

Oh how I wish he would have done the light and airy affection thing before blaming me for him being miserable!!

Good luck... it looks like you've gotten a lot of good advice here


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