# My ex-wife is cheating on her fiance



## ClairesDad (Aug 27, 2013)

My ex-wife is cheating again, on her fiance. It is affecting my teenage daughter terribly.

It has been years since I posted to this board. A search of my name might bring up my story. I am happily remarried and life is good again for me. 

The problem is is that my ex, my first wife and the mother of my children, is cheating on her boyfriend, her fiance , and putting my daughter in the middle. 

Using my daughter as some type of an alibi to go see this guy. My ex has pretty much threatened her if she tells anyone. 

My daughter doesn't want to betry her mother, but she also feels bad about my ex's boyfriend.

My ex's boyfriend is a stand up guy. My ex actually doesn't deserve him. He's a cop in the next city.

He and I have mutual friends and his ex crapped on him real bad. My ex wife left me years ago for an old boyfriend from college.

This is after she had cheated numerous times while we were married. My ex and her old boyfriend broke up after a couple of years and she started seeing her current boyfriend. 

Now the ex boyfriend is back in the picture and my ex is using my daughter as an alibi to see him. I'm sure her current boyfriend suspects.

My ex works in the same city where her ex boyfriend lives. 5 minutes from his house actually. 

Don't know if I want answers or anything. Think I just wanted to unload. This brings back alot of bad memories of my ex. Thank you.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

If you were they guy getting cheated on, would you want to know? You say he is a stand up guy. What's wrong with calling him yourself?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

The only person that you need concern yourself with is your daughter. If she is being placed in a difficult situation by ANYONE, your job is to help HER.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

So, it was "nothing personal" she really can't resist having more spreads than a sandwich factory.

Having said that you need to protect your daughter from her threats.

And please warn her boyfriend. 

Her OM is an idiot. Helping the woman of a serving police officer to cheat on him is like a dangerous sport.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

@ClairesDad, I re read your initial post on TAM from 2013. You mentioned this was your second marriage and you each brought kids from your first marriage into the relationship. Based on the ages you reported, all of her kids must be adult by now. Which teenage daughter is she using as her alibi?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

What a crappy thing to do to your own daughter! Someone needs to tell the fiance. Maybe mail him an anonymous letter? That way your poor kid doesnt get the blame for it getting out. I feel bad for the guy, he deserves to be told!


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## ClairesDad (Aug 27, 2013)

Lila said:


> @ClairesDad, I re read your initial post on TAM from 2013. You mentioned this was your second marriage and you each brought kids from your first marriage into the relationship. Based on the ages you reported, all of her kids must be adult by now. Which teenage daughter is she using as her alibi?




You are correct. I didn't want to rehash my entire history if it could be searched on this forum. My first wife is the mother of my children. My daughter is 19 and my son is 17. They mostly live with me. I still talk to and have contact with my first wife because of the kids. We have fairly decent relationship because of the kids. I wouldn't call it friendly, but we work together for the kids. I have no contact with my second wife since we have no kids. We both have moved on. I also remarried since my last post. 
I sometimes feel I should let my ex's boyfriend know about the cheating, but if I did my ex wife would know our daughter told me about it.


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## dubsey (Feb 21, 2013)

just drop a note in the mail and make it sound like you're someone who knows the Ex-BF rather than your Ex-Wife.

something like "I've done a little research after seeing her around him again, and thought you'd like to know, blah blah blah.... 

Drop it in the mail from a town you don't live in so it has a different post mark.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

IMO the solution here is for you to help your daughter learn her strength and her power. She's still a child and doesn't know her powers yet; but she can learn them from you. Teach her how to stand up to her mother. Teach her that her mom won't stop loving her if she stands up for what's right. She needs to hear these things from you.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

ClairesDad said:


> Lila said:
> 
> 
> > @ClairesDad, I re read your initial post on TAM from 2013. You mentioned this was your second marriage and you each brought kids from your first marriage into the relationship. Based on the ages you reported, all of her kids must be adult by now. Which teenage daughter is she using as her alibi?
> ...


Thanks for the clarification. 

I feel that your daughter is old enough to communicate directly with your wife without you as the middle man. If she wants her mother to stop using her as an alibi then she needs to tell her to stop. If she doesn't like her mother cheating on her bf then she needs to speak up. This is a great opportunity to teach your 19 year old daughter about boundaries and how important is it is to enforce them especially with loved ones.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Exactly how is the EX threatening your daughter?

Physical harm?

financial?

Gossip campaign? Smear her name?


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## ClairesDad (Aug 27, 2013)

TDSC60 said:


> Exactly how is the EX threatening your daughter?
> 
> Physical harm?
> 
> ...



My daughter is very meek. All my ex had to do was get in her face and scream at her that she dare not tell me or her boyfriend. My daughter won't stand up for herself. It's something she will have to learn. It took her awhile to muster up the courage to tell me. My daughter shouldn't have to be afraid of her Mother, and I don't think my ex would harm her. But my daughter is easily intimidated. And my ex can be a very mean, vindictive B***h. She will get back at her in other ways, like withholding tuition money for my daughter's college, which we each pay half on.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Your dilemma is not so cut and dried as to say "tell the BF!" "make your daughter deal with it!"

The college fees are a practical consideration.

I think your ex-wife will never change her spots.

Encourage your daughter to seek therapy to find ways to disengage from her mother and to deal with the disappointment in knowing how despicable that woman is.

As for telling the BF? I'd step away from that decision. Why? Do either your daughter or you really want to be monitoring the actions of such a person as her mother?

She runs through a series of men constantly. This current one is but a speed bump in her drive.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Can your daughter live with you full time and minimize contact with her mother?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

ClairesDad said:


> My daughter is very meek. All my ex had to do was get in her face and scream at her that she dare not tell me or her boyfriend. My daughter won't stand up for herself. It's something she will have to learn. It took her awhile to muster up the courage to tell me. My daughter shouldn't have to be afraid of her Mother, and I don't think my ex would harm her. But my daughter is easily intimidated. And my ex can be a very mean, vindictive B***h. She will get back at her in other ways, like withholding tuition money for my daughter's college, which we each pay half on.


Then to me this seems like a financial issue. If her mom pulls that stunt, have her stay with you and you cover the rest or else help her get some student loans. Teach her that she has options and power. She needs to act it before she'll believe it.


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## ClairesDad (Aug 27, 2013)

Rubix Cubed said:


> Can your daughter live with you full time and minimize contact with her mother?


My daughter does mostly live at my house, as my son does also. I can afford to cover her tuition if I have to. I will alwsys be there for them. 
What bothers me the most about this whole situation is that my daughter is seeing the true character of her Mother.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Just send him an anonymous note with the guy's name. Suggest that he have one of his colleagues help keep tabs on her and the guy. If someone can snap a few photos for the fiance to present to her, no one will suspect you or your daughter of orchestrating the whole thing.


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## Music_Man (Feb 25, 2017)

@ClairesDad

Protect your daughter first, but also make sure she understands what she's being asked to do and why- no matter who is asking- she CANNOT be an alibi or an aide to adlutery. 

You need to tell the boyfriend- in whatever way you feel you can, whether in person, on the phone, or anonymously; but he needs to know.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

ClairesDad said:


> My daughter does mostly live at my house, as my son does also. I can afford to cover her tuition if I have to. I will alwsys be there for them.
> What bothers me the most about this whole situation is that my daughter is seeing the true character of her Mother.


That was an inevitable I'm afraid. The moment when we realize our parents are human and come with flaws is always a tough day. But we do live through it. At the very least this is a teaching moment for your daughter on acceptable ways to treat others. Be a good role model for her. 

It's just not okay for your ex to put your daughter in the middle like this. What does your daughter want to do?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Since 19 is the age of an adult, can't your daughter choose to live with you without a court order? If the son is not yet an adult, it would probably be wise to bring him over as well.

Telling lies, keeping secrets is not a healthy way to raise children. It sounds as if your ex wife has no problems retaliating.

What prevents you from doing anything about this matter?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

ClairesDad said:


> My daughter is very meek. All my ex had to do was get in her face and scream at her that she dare not tell me or her boyfriend. My daughter won't stand up for herself. It's something she will have to learn. It took her awhile to muster up the courage to tell me. My daughter shouldn't have to be afraid of her Mother, and I don't think my ex would harm her. But my daughter is easily intimidated. And my ex can be a very mean, vindictive B***h. She will get back at her in other ways, like withholding tuition money for my daughter's college, which we each pay half on.


She is 19, she doesnt have to put up with that crap. She can stop going around her mother any time she chooses to. Hell she can ghost her mom with no explanation. 

How effing disrespectful!!


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

ClairesDad said:


> My daughter does mostly live at my house, as my son does also. I can afford to cover her tuition if I have to. I will alwsys be there for them.
> What bothers me the most about this whole situation is that my daughter is seeing the true character of her Mother.


 If the tuition is written into your settlement she HAS to pay it. 
Your daughter finding out what a POS her mom is a shame but as far as life lessons go, it can help her recognize many aren't what they appear and can be dangerous. Protect your girl but try to ease her into defending herself and taking a stand even if it is a silent one. Don't let her be a victim or a doormat. 

As far as letting the fiance know, you said you know some of his friends. Arrange for the info to get to them and let them inform him if you don't want to do it anonymously. It can't be that big of a secret.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Better that she knows the truth about what her mom is really like. 

At 19 she has the right not to see her if that's what she chooses. Talk with her if she wants but this is her battle.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

ClairesDad said:


> My daughter does mostly live at my house, as my son does also. I can afford to cover her tuition if I have to. I will always be there for them.
> What bothers me the most about this whole situation is that my daughter is seeing the true character of her Mother.


CD, you have one major job right now. It's to teach your daughter (and son) to have faith in themselves to do what feels right.

My DD is 28. She got through college, went back and got through an MS. Got a permanent job. Married her boyfriend. Had a house built. Got pregnant. Had a baby (last week). And here she is, less than a week later, bawling her eyes out because her narcissistic dad loaded onto her about HIS hurt feelings that she wasn't dealing with his 'plans' for the fixes needed for her home, based on what HE assumes she needs to do. 

Trust me, this BULL**** doesn't go away. YOU have a chance to fix your child, to teach her how to stand up to her harmful parent and save her lots of pain...in a way that I didn't. 

Fix it now. Help her learn how to stand up to a manipulative, harmful parent. Before it ruins her life.


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## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

Mr.Married said:


> If you were they guy getting cheated on, would you want to know? You say he is a stand up guy. What's wrong with calling him yourself?


Or how about ensuring that your daughter is no longer used this way and tell her boyfriend yourself.

ETA: sorry I'm late to the party. If your daughter is this meek, perhaps she told you because she wants your help. Help her then....in whatever way you choose but definitely let her know that you don't see her being used as "okay"


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

VibrantWings said:


> Or how about ensuring that your daughter is no longer used this way and tell her boyfriend yourself.
> 
> ETA: sorry I'm late to the party. If your daughter is this meek, perhaps she told you because she wants your help. Help her then....in whatever way you choose but definitely let her know that you don't see her being used as "okay"



At the age of 19, I'm not sure how I would handle it. I would be confused. One thing that muddles this situation is that the man being cheated is not her father and therefore, she will feel that she shouldn't be more loyal to him than to her mother. This is a moment to teach that principles are important and that sometimes, blood relations should not supercede thos principles. She needs to feel that whatever side she chooses, she has someone supporting her. and not saying "Well, what do you think?" At the age of 19, we don't know what to think.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Here's one way to do it. If you have her fiancee's email address go to an internet cafe and open up an email account called [email protected] and send him a message posing as a fellow officer who doesn't like to see a fellow law officer being cheated on.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

ClairesDad said:


> What bothers me the most about this whole situation is that my daughter is seeing the true character of her Mother.


So? Your X is who she is. Don't make that you or your daughters problem.

Your daughter has to grow up at some point. She needs to realize her life is what she's going to make it.

There are bad people in this world. It's times she starts recognizing them.

You are the parent here. Time to step up and tell it like it is. Hiding or trying to sugar coat this will just reflect badly on you.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

turnera said:


> My DD is 28. She got through college, went back and got through an MS. Got a permanent job. Married her boyfriend. Had a house built. Got pregnant. Had a baby (last week). And here she is, less than a week later, bawling her eyes out because her narcissistic dad loaded onto her about HIS hurt feelings that she wasn't dealing with his 'plans' for the fixes needed for her home, based on what HE assumes she needs to do.
> 
> Trust me, this BULL**** doesn't go away. YOU have a chance to fix your child, to teach her how to stand up to her harmful parent and save her lots of pain...in a way that I didn't.
> 
> Fix it now. Help her learn how to stand up to a manipulative, harmful parent. Before it ruins her life.


This morning, my even older DD than Turnera's was upset because her narcissistic dad was trying to guilt her into doing something for him that interferes with her job and family. This is not new--she generally stands up for herself, but it seems pressure this time has hit a vulnerable spot. I chose badly when I married and my kids will suffer til he is gone. (I didn't learn of this situation from her, but another.) We never discuss him. I get wanting to protect your daughter CD, but there are times when we can't fix bad choices--or ex's character..

Congrats Grandma @ Turnera!


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## ClairesDad (Aug 27, 2013)

So? Your X is who she is. Don't make that you or your daughters problem.

Your daughter has to grow up at some point. She needs to realize her life is what she's going to make it.

There are bad people in this world. It's times she starts recognizing them.

You are the parent here. Time to step up and tell it like it is. Hiding or trying to sugar coat this will just reflect badly on you.[/QUOTE]


My daughter knows the true nature of her Mother. She knows what her Mother did to destroy our marriage. She does love her Mother still. But my daughter took me into her confidence and told me what was going on. It took alot of courage to tell me. I'm not going to do anything with this info. Maybe sometime down the road. My ex's BF is a nice guy, but he's not my friend. My daughter comes first. 
As for the financial implications, I make alot more money than my ex and I'm able to pay for my daughter's tuition if it comes down to that.
My kids both know I've always been the one there for them.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

turnera said:


> Then to me this seems like a financial issue. If her mom pulls that stunt, have her stay with you and you cover the rest or else help her get some student loans. Teach her that she has options and power. She needs to act it before she'll believe it.


This - agreed!
@ClairesDad


> My daughter knows the true nature of her Mother. She knows what her Mother did to destroy our marriage. She does love her Mother still. But my daughter took me into her confidence and told me what was going on. It took alot of courage to tell me. I'm not going to do anything with this info. Maybe sometime down the road. My ex's BF is a nice guy, but he's not my friend. My daughter comes first.
> As for the financial implications, I make alot more money than my ex and I'm able to pay for my daughter's tuition if it comes down to that.
> My kids both know I've always been the one there for them.


Then empower your daughter to call her mum out as the skank she is the next time she tries to manipulate your daughter. She's an adult now at 19, not saying she should disown her mother but stop being her little plaything!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It took me 15 years to learn to stand up to my evil stepmother, because my mom stayed out of it and I had nobody else teaching me I had any worth. But once I kicked her out of my life, everything changed for the better.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

ClairesDad said:


> My daughter knows the true nature of her Mother. She knows what her Mother did to destroy our marriage. She does love her Mother still. But my daughter took me into her confidence and told me what was going on. It took alot of courage to tell me. I'm not going to do anything with this info. Maybe sometime down the road. My ex's BF is a nice guy, but he's not my friend. My daughter comes first.
> As for the financial implications, I make alot more money than my ex and I'm able to pay for my daughter's tuition if it comes down to that.
> My kids both know I've always been the one there for them.


I think you're missing the point, Dad. It's not about the cheating. You have a chance here to guide your daughter, to make her healthier, to push her/teach her to stand up for her principles. That's what parents do. If not you, who? Have another talk with her about it. Tell her you understand the pickle she's in and here are some suggestions for what she can do about it. At 19, she just doesn't have the bandwidth to know what the solutions are. It wasn't until I was 30 that I stopped feeling guilty for having sex, for heaven's sake! And I'd been married 9 years!

Show her some examples of what a solution would look like. Let her see that those examples have decent outcomes. Show her that her mom won't disown her or hate her if she stands her ground and says she won't help her mom cheat. That's what she needs from you.

And remember this: when a child has a safe parent and a harmful parent, they take the safe parent (you) for granted (they know you'll always be around for them), and kiss up to the dangerous one because that's the one they're afraid will leave him/harm them/whatever. She has to be taught that it's ok, that her mom will still love her, because her subconscious doesn't know that. She needs her dad to teach her that.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

ClairesDad said:


> My daughter knows the true nature of her Mother. She knows what her Mother did to destroy our marriage. She does love her Mother still. But my daughter took me into her confidence and told me what was going on. It took alot of courage to tell me. I'm not going to do anything with this info. Maybe sometime down the road. My ex's BF is a nice guy, but he's not my friend. My daughter comes first.
> As for the financial implications, I make alot more money than my ex and I'm able to pay for my daughter's tuition if it comes down to that.
> My kids both know I've always been the one there for them.


You are in a good position. Let her know the finances will be taken care of and she needs to distance herself from that situation. She probably already knows you have her back anyway but I'd reinforce that.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

It’s your daughter’s decision, not yours. Does she knuckle under for the sake of a relationship with her mother, or draw a line? I’m with those who would draw a line, because if the mother cares about her daughter she will back down, and if she doesn’t I’d rather know. But I don’t have to live with the outcome of the decision.

What I would do is commit to cover the tuition if needed, and offer to speak to your ex if it helps the daughter. And if speaking, I would tell your ex that you are offering to cover the tuition to remove that leverage, and you don’t think that your ex was appropriate to threaten to cut it off in that way. I would then leave it.


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## smi11ie (Apr 21, 2016)

I think your should go and see your ex and her fiance yourself. Tell them that you don't want her using your daughter to cover her current affair and then leave. Don't get into a argument, just prepare a very short statement then walk away and go home.

Something along the lines of "Please stop using our daughter to hide your hookups with "insert name here". Then leave.

Alternatively you could call her fiance and say this....

"Can you please ask ex to stop using daughter as an alibi to hookup with "insert name here"."

If he starts to grill you then just say "I don't want to be involved and I don't want my daughter involved either." Offer your sympathies and hang up.

Some people might say that this is not fair to your daughter but I disagree. You are leading by example and you can tell your daughter that this is what happens when, you have poor boundaries and, you don't stand up for yourself and your beliefs. You can say this gently of course and offer her support. It could be a a beneficial educational experience for her.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

My advice would be to take one for the team and inform your ex's boyfriend. Your right your daughters well being does come first however what your ex is doing is not good for her mental health hence why you have to intervine.

Inform the boyfriend and be done with it. Unfortunately your ex is a sl....ut of grade 1 proportions.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Your number one purpose in life is to protect your family. That includes teaching your daughter to stand up and protect herself. 

How is letting your ex blackmail your daughter and using her in her affair make you anything but missing in action? 

Call your ex’s boyfriend and tell him what you know. Then call your ex and tell her what you did. Also warn her that you will let every soul on earth know what she is if she says anything to your daughter. 

It looks like your daughter got her meekness from you. Man up.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

ClairesDad said:


> My daughter does mostly live at my house, as my son does also. I can afford to cover her tuition if I have to. I will alwsys be there for them.
> What bothers me the most about this whole situation is that my daughter is seeing the true character of her Mother.


Dude, did you just read that, did you just read what you wrote??? 

You think it is a bad thing for her to actually SEE her mothers character? Really? 

Have you stopped to think that YOUR helicopter parenting may be the reason that she is meek like a ton of other millennials... 

I know you wish your ex wife was not that way, but brother it is better for her to understand what life and people are all about NOW and not when she is 40 married with three kids to an abusive cheater. 

Often times, as parents, we have to let our kids fail, or see things we wish they did not have to see, in order for them to grow up and become adults...


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Wazza said:


> It’s your daughter’s decision, not yours. Does she knuckle under for the sake of a relationship with her mother, or draw a line? I’m with those who would draw a line, because if the mother cares about her daughter she will back down, and if she doesn’t I’d rather know. But I don’t have to live with the outcome of the decision.
> 
> What I would do is commit to cover the tuition if needed, and offer to speak to your ex if it helps the daughter. And if speaking, I would tell your ex that you are offering to cover the tuition to remove that leverage, and you don’t think that your ex was appropriate to threaten to cut it off in that way. I would then leave it.


I see this as a teachable moment. I feel like for far too long I was loyal to my parents; backing down at points when I thought I had gone too far even when I didn'tget I wanted; wondering why when I try so hard to connect with my parents my mother turns it into a curcus ie. misinterpreting what I say ( and these days, I do believe it was intentional) pretending to forget any conversation / discussion on any matter, so just when I think I have an agreement with my parents, they believe they do not and so on ......

Finally, a friend told me that I have to accept that even though someone has an important role /title in my life like parent, they will not always be playing on my team and I need to see myself as an individual. It's taken me a long time to get my behavior aligned for those moments in which my mother may not be on my team and I wish that someone had taught me that lesson sooner.

the mother of your daughter is not playing on her team. I would not be surprised if in a few years that your daughter is complaing about how the ex is flirting with her dates. Even if it is not obvious now, I bet your ex is competing with your daughter in some way. If I said something that my mother didn't understand she would call me stupid or say "What the hell are you talking about" and then others would explain how what I said was relevant to the conversation. I see that now as my mother competing with me.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Not putting your kids into ****ty situations should be one of the commandments, that being said, ClairesDad, your daughter now knows that mommie dearest is pretty much a waste of skin. I would stand with her when she tells Mom's fiance that he is being betrayed. You would do that for anyone being betrayed. It is infidelity101 to advise the betrayed party. How your ex reacts? Too bad, and so sad, she is in the WRONG, and it is unethical for her lies to be carried second hand by her child. NO NO NO: what message does this send to a developing woman? Do you want her to repeat her mother's crappy behavior. After all is said and done, the woman appears to be a serial cheater and really needs a layer of Krazy Glue on her inner thighs. 

If it were me, I would sit down with my daughter and have a deep conversation about this. This is something that will color her life and may have a negative effect on future relationships. It would be best to let her know you have her back and whether she decides to tell or not.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

The dd is 19, not 9. Yes it is high time she learn too stick up for herself. Yes you as a dad can go with her to be supportive. Yes dd has to do it. The words have to come out of her mouth.

DD should be prepared to be kicked out/disowned, even if just temporarily. 

This is where you as a dad step in.


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