# Husband Confused?



## confused2301 (Jan 11, 2012)

*Go to the end to read about my outcome*
I'd like some honest opinions on my situation please...after a miscarriage almost a year ago my husband has had very mixed feelings about trying for a baby again. One month he would be for it and the next month completely against it, all the while saying "He doesnt love me, we have lost the connection, etc". as the reasons for not trying. He insists there is nobody else. I admit that I was very desperate to get pregnant again and ignored the obvious, that he isnt ready, despite having talked about it before having the miscarriage and being in our late thirties. Over the months he has been struggling with wanting to be in the marriage, leaving for a couple of days to a week or so but always returning home. He eventually came to think of our home as his again but always having the underlying confused feeling. But also going back and forth - from wanting to divorce one hour and then after some time to think coming back and saying he wants a baby, is just scared and/or bored. We (or maybe just me) feel some pressure..because of my age and the fear we will not be able to concieve if we dont try sooner than later...so this is always in the back of our heads, thoughts, etc. We took a break from trying for a couple of months but then had to recently revisit the topic b/c of a an upcoming fertility appt. (that I postponed b/c of his confusion). So I am obviously open to waiting if thats what it takes for my husband to be on board. But he flips back and forth on the issue and us in general...he even agreed to go to counselling by himself. I thought it was a great idea until after his first one half hour session with the therapist he came home and said he needs to move on, its not fair to me and he doesnt love me or see a future with me. (but last week we explicitly talked about how he is okay for trying for a baby). I tried to discuss his latest counselling appt and why he feels he has to move on but he left and refused to talk about it. He inevitably ended leaving to stay with a single friend and at the point of me writing this I'm not sure when or if he will be back. He has done this about 3 times in the past, always coming back. Over the holidays while he was at home he flip-flopped during the day on two separate occasions (wanting to divorce to wanting to stay) and and after deciding to stay he would obsessively clean or organize and be affectionate, talk about the future, etc. It has been a definite pattern. There are many other little details to mention that support his confusion going back and forth. I love my husband very much and want to work on things...but do I let him go if this is what he wants, although I'm not 100% convinced he really wants this. Or am I in denial? Why would he say he wants a baby one day and then ask for a divorce the next? Do I believe him when he says he doesnt love me and let him go? He believes in separation but is now teetering on divorce I think. I have told him I do not want to separate or divorce but will support him in his decision. Any advice is appreciated.


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## confused2301 (Jan 11, 2012)

An update to my post....
My husband wrote me today and is staying with a friend. He wrote that he needs to be honest with himself and me, understands my confusion given his pattern in the past months but that he is not happy anymore and he knows in his heart it will not come back, that we need to move on, that he cares about me but it is not love. He cant sit down and discuss more now but after some space, distance and perspective he can discuss it. He said he if anything needs to get done around the house he will be happy to do it.

I have read so many online articles where husbands say they do not love you but there is an underlying reason....I dont know what to believe...I dont feel it is over in my heart but am I in denial?


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## Laura1975 (Jan 11, 2012)

Hi there,

I don't have any advice I just wanted to let you know how sorry I am that you are going through this. Your head must be in bits. He is very confused and needs some time, I would say don't contact him for a while and give him the space that he thinks he needs, if it is meant to be then he will come back.

I fully understand your want for a baby, especially since your miscarriage (for which I am very sorry), but you have loads of time for that and you want to give your baby a stable daddy that will be there for both of you, so take the pressure off yourself regarding the baby, it will happen, but you need to be kind to yourself and don't put up with any crap, you don't have to get divorced but a seperation could be the best thing for both of you.

Good luck, x


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## Dellia (Jan 6, 2012)

Sorry to sound cruel, but it sounds to me like guilt brought him back, each time he left, not love. He has left so many times; I would have never let him back, the second time. He is not commited and hasn't been for a long time, and his actions prove it. Move on and find your happiness with someone who does love you. You don't need a man who comes and goes like that, what is he a teenager? You deserve better than that.


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## hmd (Jan 12, 2012)

Having gone through a miscarriage, I can say our marriage has never really recovered from it. My wife lost her job off the back of it and was depressed. We never really reconnected in the same way and there are still some resentment issues there.

We are still together and having various issues, and did manage to conceive again and have a child.

A miscarriage is a lot harder on a woman, but it's very confusing for a man, and in some way they blame you. At least thats how it was for me, even though I knew it wasn't her fault and there was nothing she could do, I still couldn't help but feel some resentment


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## sadinsalem (Jan 12, 2012)

Everyone grieves differently, and after this hard loss, this may be grief simply overwhelming him. maybe some professional help first... and let me say I am sorry for your loss..


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## confused2301 (Jan 11, 2012)

Thanks to you all for the advice. My husband has yet to contact me after sending me an email that he needs to move on and does not love me. I am trying to play it cool and keep busy and give him his space. I pray that he comes home and we can start rebuilding....


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I'm sorry this is happening to you. I am sort of in a place where you husband is. I am still at home, and we are going to marriage counseling this weekend. I don't know what will happen.

I lost my passion for my wife over a year ago, long before I had my affair (emotional). Why did I lost it? I don't know. I'm guessing we grew apart while not paying attention to the needs of our marriage. 

I wish you good luck.


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## confused2301 (Jan 11, 2012)

I'm back to write about my outcome since I can't tell you how many posts I've read but didn't know how it ended...

So after a few days of separation, I decided the best thing to do was - like everyone says - was to focus on myself. I decided not to contact my husband and went out with friends all who told me not to let him walk all over me anymore. This coming and going and back and forth bull had to stop. I ended up confiding in my sister who got in touch with him, only to tell him that he needs to eventually talk to me and figure what he wants. Anyways long story short, I came home to emails from him apologizing, telling me he f*kd up, that he is confused and that he does love me. He wanted to talk but I wasn't ready. I also told him to take all the time he needs to come to a direction and only when he knows what he wants to talk to me. So fast forward to today and he is back home and wants to change. He said he was scared to have a baby and it signalled the end of his youth. Why he couldn't tell me this earlier is beyond me - as this is a year of this crap behaviour/confusion. Anyways, I guess we'll see how it goes.. I told him the next time he leaves again I'm outta here and I mean it. Part of me has seen this pattern before. I hope I can convince him to go to counselling...


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## misticli (Oct 28, 2011)

You sound like you are just waiting for this guy to sit back and make a choice, when *you* have every right to make a choice. You either tell him to man up and start working on this now, or B) to get out. You should have more respect for yourself than to wait around for someone else to decide where your life is going to go. 

Unfortunatly you have already setup this pattern, so you will need to set-up clear boundaries and rules to get him to believe you are going to stick to it this time. What changes have you made?


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