# Ticking Time Bomb



## SRN1013 (Apr 25, 2017)

I need help. My husband always seems pissed off and blows up at me for the most nonsensical things. I'm not perfect by any means and can admit my faults, but the instances I am speaking to have been completely bogus. 

Perfect example is he YELLED at me, and I mean really really screamed, because I text a coworker about work related things and my coworker replied with a meme that said, "Just blame me," (for an issue we had to bring to our manager). "Why does a coworker have your cell phone number? Why is he sending you memes? You are making me nervous about how you act while you're at work!" Um, what?! I even showed my in-laws the conversation thread between him and I and they were shocked that my husband spoke to me that way over what was essentially nothing. My husband has two employees who are female that he has text outside of work hours for non-work things - recently, he told one of them that he and I were headed to a St Patty's Day block party and she told him she was going, too. She text him that evening to see where he was at, told him she was drunk, etc. I really didn't care about the texting because I trust my husband, but the double standard drives me CRAZY! Why is ok for him, but not me?

Another example is I invited a male coworker (who is married and has two kids) to come play soccer with my husband and I because our team is notoriously short subs. My husband immediately said, "I don't like that." "So explain this situation to me, YOU invited HIM to come to our soccer game?!" I really didn't see any harm in it considering my husband has invited his female secretary to play soccer with us in the past. My husband gave me the cold shoulder and the silent treatment for the rest of the night and then gives me a next day lecture about how I am going beyond boundaries. Again, WHAT?!

This behavior from him happens even when a third party isn't involved. Every week night he gets home before I do and one night he wasn't there. I waited 10-15 minutes and chalked it up to bad traffic or whatever before I finally called him. He answered and then just hung up on me. I called him back and he answers with a sassy and sarcastic, "HELLO?!?!" I said, "Hi, are you ok? You usually make it home before me." He said, again very sassy and sarcastically, "Well, I didn't. What the F do you want me to do about it?!" I replied, "You don't need to do anything, I was just calling to make sure you were ok." He said, "Well I'll be home in 2 minutes" and then hung up the phone. When he got home, I was in the kitchen and heard glass shatter about 10 seconds after he walked in the door. Come to find out he chucked his work bag at the wall and broke his pyrex glass lunch dish. Then, he proceeded to punch the wall repeatedly (about 4-5 times) in the shower. After some 'gentle' exchanged words, come to find out he had a pretty ****ty day at work but I still don't feel like that's a way to talk to your wife or act? 

I have tried to talk to him on multiple occasions about how his words and actions really upset me and while he seems genuinely apologetic, he always makes excuses and the behavior never changes. I reached out to a therapist today to schedule an individual consultation meeting but I fear that my husband would have another temper episode if he found out I am seeking professional help. Has anyone experienced similar situations and if so, how did you handle?

No kids
We both work
Together 6 years


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

He sounds like a potential abuser, between the insecurity and the physical outbursts. 

Will be anxious to hear what your counselor says.


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## SRN1013 (Apr 25, 2017)

jld said:


> He sounds like a potential abuser, between the insecurity and the physical outbursts.
> 
> Will be anxious to hear what your counselor says.


I do not fear abuse from a physical standpoint, but definitely feel verbally abused on multiple, multiple occasions. Don't get me wrong, our relationship is not all hardships. The good days are really, really great. I definitely feel like if he had a more easy going nature we'd have a nearly perfect marriage. I just feel like the bad days are starting to outweigh the good which is giving me major anxiety and putting some pretty depressing thoughts in my head about our marriage.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

SRN1013 said:


> I do not fear abuse from a physical standpoint, but definitely feel verbally abused on multiple, multiple occasions. Don't get me wrong, our relationship is not all hardships. The good days are really, really great. I definitely feel like if he had a more easy going nature we'd have a nearly perfect marriage. I just feel like the bad days are starting to outweigh the good which is giving me major anxiety and putting some pretty depressing thoughts in my head about our marriage.


Don't be so quick to think physical abuse is out of the question.Any man what punches a wall five times after throwing a bag hard enough to break a Pyrex bowl is out of control.Do you mean you would be able to defend yourself or do you "just know" that he would never harm you.
Every abused woman was always sure their partners would never strike them.
Until they did.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

A little jealousy is a good thing. It shows that you care and are paying attention.
A little jealousy goes a long way.

A lot of jealousy is not a good thing.
A lot of jealousy makes the receiving end want to go..a long way...away.

His motto: Do as I say, not as I do.
He is very insecure and very high maintenance. You may want to get an extended warranty on him...else you will go broke...marriage will go broke.

He needs chill pills. Take him in for an examination.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

SRN1013 said:


> I do not fear abuse from a physical standpoint, but definitely feel verbally abused on multiple, multiple occasions. Don't get me wrong, our relationship is not all hardships. The good days are really, really great. I definitely feel like if he had a more easy going nature we'd have a nearly perfect marriage. I just feel like the bad days are starting to outweigh the good which is giving me major anxiety and putting some pretty depressing thoughts in my head about our marriage.


Would you say there has been an escalation in his abuse? Was this the first time he has punched the wall, for example?


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

SRN, welcome to the TAM forum. The behaviors you describe -- i.e., irrational jealousy, controlling behavior, verbal abuse, easily triggered temper tantrums, lack of impulse control, double standard, black-white thinking, always being "The Victim," and rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you) -- are classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder).  Importantly, I'm not suggesting your H has full-blown BPD but, rather, that he may exhibit moderate to strong traits of it or another PD.

I caution that, if your H does exhibit strong BPD traits, his anger usually will be triggered only by you or a few very close friends or family. If you find that his temper tantrums are being triggered frequently by total strangers (e.g., as in road rage), you likely are seeing warning signs for IED (Intermittent Explosive Disorder), not BPD.

I also caution that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a spectrum disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your exBF exhibits BPD traits. Of course he does. We all do. 

Rather, at issue is whether he exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met him, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are easy to spot -- especially after you've been married for six years -- because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as strong verbal abuse, lack of impulse control, and rapid event-triggered mood flips.



SRN1013 said:


> I reached out to a therapist today to schedule an individual consultation meeting.


Smart decision. If your H really is exhibiting a strong pattern of BPD symptoms, any therapist he sees is unlikely to tell him the name of the disorder (much less tell you). Therapists generally are loath to tell a BPDer the name because it often is not in his best interests to be told. Hence, your best chance of obtaining a candid opinion about potential BPD involvement is to see a psychologist who has never treated or seen your H. In that way, you are assured that the therapist is ethically bound to protect YOUR best interests, not those of your H.

I suggest that, while you're waiting for your therapist appointment, you take a quick look at my list of _*18 Warning Signs*_ to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in _*Maybe's Thread*_. If that description rings many bells and raises questions, I would be glad to discuss them with you. 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your H's issues. Although the symptoms are easy to spot, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe and persistent as to constitute the full-blown disorder. Yet, like learning warning signs for breast cancer and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a painful situation, e.g., remaining in a toxic marriage or, after leaving, running into the arms of another man just like him. Take care, SRN.


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## SRN1013 (Apr 25, 2017)

Andy1001 said:


> Don't be so quick to think physical abuse is out of the question.Any man what punches a wall five times after throwing a bag hard enough to break a Pyrex bowl is out of control.Do you mean you would be able to defend yourself or do you "just know" that he would never harm you.
> Every abused woman was always sure their partners would never strike them.
> Until they did.


I doubt I would be able to defend myself, my husband is very strong. I guess I shouldn't completely rule out him never harming me, he's just never shown signs of it.



SunCMars said:


> A little jealousy is a good thing. It shows that you care and are paying attention.
> A little jealousy goes a long way.
> 
> A lot of jealousy is not a good thing.
> ...


Agreed on the jealousy bit and his motto. I constantly feel like he dishes out double standards as if they are going out of style and it really bothers me.



jld said:


> Would you say there has been an escalation in his abuse? Was this the first time he has punched the wall, for example?


Not an escalation from the point of he acts worse out of anger, but it's just been much more frequent. Unfortunately he has punched the wall a few times, always when he is very angry (probably ~5 occurrences total). But the verbal abusive behavior is what has escalated, hence why I'm coming forth



Uptown said:


> I suggest that, while you're waiting for your therapist appointment, you take a quick look at my list of _*18 Warning Signs*_ to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in _*Maybe's Thread*_. If that description rings many bells and raises questions, I would be glad to discuss them with you.


Thanks for the info and the links. From the 18 Warning Signs, these ones are bright and flashy:

#6
#8 - I cannot stress how much I can see this behavior
#11
#15
#16


I have obviously considered the issue of his parents separating when he was 17 being a reason for all of this, but he is now 30 and his parents have been back together for 10+ years so I didn't think this would also still be an issue (childhood problems).

Thanks everyone for the input.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

He clearly has anger issues and uses you as his emotional punching bag because you've shown him over time that you will accept his verbal abuse.

When he disrespects you or yells, you simply say that you will not accept being spoken to that way but you're willing to continue the conversation when he has calmed down and apologized, and you leave the room.

This is what should have happened during that phone call. You don't continue the conversation as if he didn't just hang up on you and cuss you, you're teaching him that it's acceptable by doing that.

My father was extremely abusive, and his behavior towards my mother hasn't changed one bit. Yet somehow he's this remarkably calm, thoughtful guy when he interacts with us kids now that we've grown up. He behaves that way with us because we no longer accept his bs. You teach people how to treat you and what you're willing to accept.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Keke24 said:


> He clearly has anger issues and uses you as his emotional punching bag because you've shown him over time that you will accept his verbal abuse.
> 
> *When he disrespects you or yells, you simply say that you will not accept being spoken to that way but you're willing to continue the conversation when he has calmed down and apologized, and you leave the room.*
> 
> ...


I would not even do this. I would just divorce him.

I am sorry, OP. But I think there is great risk here that his anger, which is already being expressed physically, will become more severe. I would hate for you to be a statistic.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

SRN1013 said:


> I doubt I would be able to defend myself, my husband is very strong. I guess I shouldn't completely rule out him never harming me, he's just never shown signs of it.


You husband is showing signs of being physically violent. The first stages of physical violence are actions you have described: punching walls, throwing & breaking things. 
The purpose of these actions is to warn you that next time, it might be you instead of the wall or the broken item. Over he will escalate to putting his hands on you. It will most likely start with him grabbing or pushing you in anger. From there over time it will turn into him hitting you.




SRN1013 said:


> Agreed on the jealousy bit and his motto. I constantly feel like he dishes out double standards as if they are going out of style and it really bothers me.


Consider this. There might be a very good reason why he thinks you are inappropriate with you male coworkers.

He seems to have some pretty lose boundaries with the female employees. He is inappropriate with the females he works with so he is projecting his own feelings/actions onto you. If I were you I would start snooping, there is very likely more going on with the women he works when than you know.




SRN1013 said:


> Not an escalation from the point of he acts worse out of anger, but it's just been much more frequent. Unfortunately he has punched the wall a few times, always when he is very angry (probably ~5 occurrences total). But the verbal abusive behavior is what has escalated, hence why I'm coming forth.


Here is a link for you to read: *Cycle of Abuse*


With the cycle of abuse, it is normal for the abusive behavior to escalate and get worse over time. You said that things are good much of the time. Of course, they are. Abusers are seldom abusive all the time. Why? Because if they were, you’d dump him in a heartbeat. It is the cycle that sucks you in and keeps you there. The good times make you think that everything is ok. Then just as you are feeling safe, WHAM! Here comes the ugly, angry outbursts. Then to keep you there he apologizes, and round and round you go until you are so confused you don’t know what it up, what is down, or what to do.

The purpose of abuse is to give him control over you. He needs to keep control When he’s having a bad day, he has to abuse you because he cannot abuse his boss. So he abuses you behind closed doors. And that makes him feel powerful. Just think of that, him abusing you makes him feel better about himself, stronger and more superior.



SRN1013 said:


> I have obviously considered the issue of his parents separating when he was 17 being a reason for all of this, but he is now 30 and his parents have been back together for 10+ years so I didn't think this would also still be an issue (childhood problems).


Don’t make excuses for him. There is no excuse for the way he is treating you. Here is a book that would help you a lot.

*Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men* by Lundy Bancroft


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## shrah25 (Mar 22, 2017)

SRN1013 said:


> I need help. My husband always seems pissed off and blows up at me for the most nonsensical things. I'm not perfect by any means and can admit my faults, but the instances I am speaking to have been completely bogus.
> 
> Perfect example is he YELLED at me, and I mean really really screamed, because I text a coworker about work related things and my coworker replied with a meme that said, "Just blame me," (for an issue we had to bring to our manager). "Why does a coworker have your cell phone number? Why is he sending you memes? You are making me nervous about how you act while you're at work!" Um, what?! I even showed my in-laws the conversation thread between him and I and they were shocked that my husband spoke to me that way over what was essentially nothing. My husband has two employees who are female that he has text outside of work hours for non-work things - recently, he told one of them that he and I were headed to a St Patty's Day block party and she told him she was going, too. She text him that evening to see where he was at, told him she was drunk, etc. I really didn't care about the texting because I trust my husband, but the double standard drives me CRAZY! Why is ok for him, but not me?
> 
> ...



Hi @SRN1013

I tend to agree with a number of the individuals posting on this thread - there are a few red flags here that you need to be mindful of and establish a way of settling this down.

It's clear he has some issues here in terms of feelings of self-worth, security and so on. Men who are secure in themselves don't have issues with their partners inviting men them to football games etc. It's simply not a big deal at all. 

One of the other posts mentioned speaking your truth and then leaving the room. Essentially what this is, is about setting clear boundaries and making a conscious decision on how you wish to be treated. I've seen lots of people get sucked into the negativity of this environment before and it can have a destructive effect and I don't want to see you have to go through this. 

Hence, whilst the relationship is at the transitional point (your comment that the relationship is now having more bad times than good), then it's important that those boundaries are set. Make sure that he knows, in no uncertain terms, that you aren't willing to put up with this behaviour. It doesn't mean you have to 'fire bullets' at him - you can communicate it from a very centred, loving and grounded place that ensure that he gets the message. In my opinion, fighting fire with fire never works. 

Good on you for seeking a therapist. That's a good start as well and if the right environment is created for him to open up, then he might just be able to heal some of his deeper wounds as well.

Hope that makes sense.

Any questions, let me know.
Thanks


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

shrah25 said:


> Hi @SRN1013
> 
> I tend to agree with a number of the individuals posting on this thread - there are a few red flags here that you need to be mindful of and establish a way of settling this down.
> 
> ...


Tell me, have you lived with a man who treats this wife this way? 

Sure she can try what you say. It seldom works because he is the one with the problem and he is the only person in this world who can fix himself.


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## _anonymous_ (Apr 18, 2016)

I'll chime in with my experience. My wife has thrown and broken things throughout our entire marriage. To date, she has never ever hit me. 

On many occasions, she has attempted to prevent me from leaving the house during heated arguments. I wouldn't be surprised if your husband did something similar, if you attempt to leave the next time you're verbally abused. 

In my case, the wife throwing things led to serious trust issues, and that's really been the cause of the greatest damage to our relationship from her outbursts. 

Once my spouse started behaving violently, I knew then that violence was acceptable to her on some level. Ever since, I have wondered if my wife knows her limits and if one day, she'll actually hurt me. I have recently given her the ultimatum that I can no longer tolerate her being out-of-control, violent, and verbally abusing me and if she won't go to counseling, recognize her problems, and fix them... I'm gone. I honestly don't know if this will work, but nonetheless, it's what I did and I'm ready to put action behind it.

If I were you, I would have a very serious conversation with your husband concerning your expectations about 1) his anger 2) physical violence 3) double standards 4) controlling/manipulative behavior 5) his jealousy 6) his unacceptable communication to you. Avoid using negative labels during the conversation as these might provoke him to anger; employ euphemisms as appropriate. 

As a follow-on action, require that you both go to counseling to have an open exchange about his reactions, and how each of you feel in such moments, in front of a neutral third party who can help you navigate and work through the problem.

Clearly, the advice above applies if your husband is calm, non-aggressive, and can be spoken to. If at any point, you feel threatened and literally are fearing for your life, skip the counseling and call the police! It's difficult to know how serious your problem really is. Good luck!


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

People telling you to leave the room is all very well but if he physically restrains you that will be difficult.The best piece of advice I could give you is to get away from him until he deals with his abusive behaviour.I asked you could you defend yourself and you said no,well you're wrong.Defending yourself is not getting into a physical fight,you have allready lost if that's the case.Defending yourself is getting away from him long enough to call the cops or just get out of the house.In a worst case scenario just remember two things,eyes and balls.If you can kick him in the balls or poke him in the eye that will loosen his grip and you can run.Even if he grabs you from behind,back kick him in the balls,stamp on his foot or lean your head forward and back head butt him as hard as you can.Remenber also there are lots of ways to slow him down,a spray of perfume in the eyes is one way.Make sure you call the cops immediately because if he calls them you could be arrested.Try making a record of every time he breaks something or punches the wall so at least you have some evidence against him.


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## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)

Smashing up inanimate objects in frustration can be part of growing up for lots of boys and men. Women can push men to this easily. But there is a very hard and fast limit; things that are living. Most men won't beat you up OP, not even if you're actually beating him up. But all of a sudden he's a BPD wife beater?

Have you tried NOT exchanging extraneous messages with other men and inviting them into your lives without your husband knowing (married or not, doesn't matter)? Might be worth a try.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

TAM2013 said:


> Smashing up inanimate objects in frustration can be part of growing up for lots of boys and men. Women can push men to this easily. But there is a very hard and fast limit; things that are living. Most men won't beat you up OP, not even if you're actually beating him up. But all of a sudden he's a BPD wife beater?
> 
> Have you tried NOT exchanging extraneous messages with other men and inviting them into your lives without your husband knowing (married or not, doesn't matter)? Might be worth a try.


In exactly the same way that HE must stop exchanging extraneous messages with other women, you mean?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@SRN1013 One day he will throw something. It will accidentally hit you or perhaps someone else.

Then what?


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## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> In exactly the same way that HE must stop exchanging extraneous messages with other women, you mean?


Completely agree. But just because one partner behaves outwardly badly, doesn't mean the other one's not covertly winding them up. Just saying.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Andy1001 said:


> People telling you to leave the room is all very well but if he physically restrains you that will be difficult.The best piece of advice I could give you is to get away from him until he deals with his abusive behaviour.I asked you could you defend yourself and you said no,well you're wrong.Defending yourself is not getting into a physical fight,you have allready lost if that's the case.*Defending yourself is getting away from him long enough to call the cops or just get out of the house.*In a worst case scenario just remember two things,eyes and balls.If you can kick him in the balls or poke him in the eye that will loosen his grip and you can run.Even if he grabs you from behind,back kick him in the balls,stamp on his foot or lean your head forward and back head butt him as hard as you can.Remenber also there are lots of ways to slow him down,a spray of perfume in the eyes is one way.Make sure you call the cops immediately because if he calls them you could be arrested.Try making a record of every time he breaks something or punches the wall so at least you have some evidence against him.


I really think this is too risky a strategy to rely on.
@EleGirl told us once how her first husband planned to kill her one night. It was only because someone knocked at the door that she was able to escape. 

Without that almost divine intervention, she likely would not be here right now. There would not have been any way for her to "defend" herself under those circumstances.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

SRN1013 said:


> I need help. My husband always seems pissed off and blows up at me for the most nonsensical things. I'm not perfect by any means and can admit my faults, but the instances I am speaking to have been completely bogus.
> 
> Perfect example is he YELLED at me, and I mean really really screamed, because I text a coworker about work related things and my coworker replied with a meme that said, "Just blame me," (for an issue we had to bring to our manager). "Why does a coworker have your cell phone number? Why is he sending you memes? You are making me nervous about how you act while you're at work!" Um, what?! I even showed my in-laws the conversation thread between him and I and they were shocked that my husband spoke to me that way over what was essentially nothing. My husband has two employees who are female that he has text outside of work hours for non-work things - recently, he told one of them that he and I were headed to a St Patty's Day block party and she told him she was going, too. She text him that evening to see where he was at, told him she was drunk, etc. I really didn't care about the texting because I trust my husband, but the double standard drives me CRAZY! Why is ok for him, but not me?
> 
> ...


I lived it for 12 years. The longer you stay, the more it escalates.

GET.OUT.NOW.



Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

jld said:


> I really think this is too risky a strategy to rely on.
> @EleGirl told us once how her first husband planned to kill her one night. It was only because someone knocked at the door that she was able to escape.
> 
> Without that almost divine intervention, she likely would not be here right now. There would not have been any way for her to "defend" herself under those circumstances.


The first piece of advice I gave her was to leave until he did something about his abusive behaviour.The other advice was in case he tried to stop her leaving.If someone plans to kill you then I agree it is very hard to defend yourself but I really hope she is gone by then.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Andy1001 said:


> The first piece of advice I gave her was to leave until he did something about his abusive behaviour.The other advice was in case he tried to stop her leaving.If someone plans to kill you then I agree it is very hard to defend yourself but I really hope she is gone by then.


I don't think Ele knew her husband was planning to kill her. I would agree that his actions leading up to that moment were likely an indicator, though. Is that right, Ele?

To me, OP, this relationship just needs to end. Better safe than sorry.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

SRN1013 said:


> I have tried to talk to him on multiple occasions about how his words and actions really upset me and while he seems genuinely apologetic, he always makes excuses and the behavior never changes. I reached out to a therapist today to schedule an individual consultation meeting but I fear that my husband would have another temper episode if he found out I am seeking professional help. Has anyone experienced similar situations and if so, how did you handle?


I dealt with an ass-clown just like your husband, years ago. All I ever seemed to DO was placate him. It was such a tiresome, never-ending job. Like your H, it seemed he was *always* looking for an ignorant/senseless reason to blow his top. 

Maybe I'm an idiot, but I didn't fear him. I just placated him for the *peace* of it. But one time, he was having one of his tantrums and picked up a pizza in it's box that we had sitting on the counter and the lid was up (we were eating it at the time). He threw the pizza back down onto the counter SO hard that flecks of tomato sauce actually splattered UP from it and hit the ceiling. I was so angry that I picked up a heavy serving dish and was going to smash his skull with it if he even THOUGHT about coming at me. I had no fear whatsoever and I'm all of 5 feet tall and 108 pounds. The look of pure surprise on his face when he saw me with that big heavy bowl raised up in the air ready to use it was priceless.

I am NOT a Jerry Springer type of person at ALL and couldn't believe that I'd resorted to that, but it really showed me I needed to get the hell OUT of that mess.

And I *did*.

I didn't _need _a therapist to tell me how to live with this bull**** because I *WASN'T* going to live with that bull****.

Nor should you.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

SRN1013 said:


> Don't get me wrong, our relationship is not all hardships. The good days are really, really great.


Do you have any idea *HOW* many women in abusive situations say these EXACT same words? That except for the verbal/emotional/physical abuse, things are SO great?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I dealt with an ass-clown just like your husband, years ago. All I ever seemed to DO was placate him. It was such a tiresome, never-ending job. Like your H, it seemed he was *always* looking for an ignorant/senseless reason to blow his top.
> 
> Maybe I'm an idiot, but I didn't fear him. I just placated him for the *peace* of it. But one time, he was having one of his tantrums and picked up a pizza in it's box that we had sitting on the counter and the lid was up (we were eating it at the time). He threw the pizza back down onto the counter SO hard that flecks of tomato sauce actually splattered UP from it and hit the ceiling. I was so angry that I picked up a heavy serving dish and was going to smash his skull with it if he even THOUGHT about coming at me. I had no fear whatsoever and I'm all of 5 feet tall and 108 pounds. The look of pure surprise on his face when he saw me with that big heavy bowl raised up in the air ready to use it was priceless.
> 
> ...


Like all bullies he was a coward behind it all.I was in a bar in London years ago and there was a girl standing beside me at the bar,she was about five foot four.Some ******* pinched her on the ass and laughed into her face when she turned around.She hit him so hard I heard his nose snap and he landed on the ground.
He then started crying.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

He doesn't sound like a very nice or stable person, and I would probably watch his behaviour in the future. I would probably look into separating if I were with someone like this; no one needs to put up with emotional abuse like this.


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## SRN1013 (Apr 25, 2017)

Thanks for the replies everyone.

Last night was tough - I packed a "just in case" bag in case I needed to leave but to my surprise he didn't say or do anything after another one of his tantrums. I am having lunch with my mom today, debating whether or not I should tell her what's going on. She would be crushed, and I'm genuinely nervous for how my Dad would react to the situation. I don't know if it's time to involve my family yet, my husband's parents already know what's going on and I feel like they always think they can talk him down and then everything is cool between them. I'd like to speak to a specialist first to see how to approach this whole situation, this behavior is just not normal and I'm at my wits end. That being said, I don't know if I'm going to go home tonight, I need my husband to realize that this is serious.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yes, this happened.

I had set boundaries and let him know that I was not going to tolerate his abuse. And most of the abuse had stopped. He was occasionally verbally abusive after that. But I thought that the worse of his abuse was over. Apparently, he resented the boundaries that I had sent and decided that he was going to show me that he had the ultimate power.

He had me blocked in the bathroom, had beat me some and told me to clean the bathtub. He was cleaning and sharpening a straight razor. As he told me, he intended to kill me in the bathtub. I guress having me clean the bathtub was just to up the drama level and to make sure that the last thing I lived through was him imposing his abuse on me.

Then his cousin knocked on our door. The moment of distraction gave me an opportunity to bolt. I opened the door. Gave his cousin a kiss on his cheek and told me that he would never know how happy I was to see him. And I ran a few miles to a family member’s home.

JLD is right. I’m only here today because his cousin knocked on our door.

What a way to live, having to set boundaries because if you do not put up that wall your spouse will take the opportunity to verbally/emotionally abuse you, throw things, break things and maybe even beat you. From my experience that is living with the enemy. Because unless there is a fundamental change in his very core, he still wants to abuse you. He’s just holding back until he sees the opportunity to hurt you and regain his control. 

How about instead of living with the enemy, people chose to only live with those who do not have a desire to verbally/emotionally and physically abuse them. How about living with someone whose very character I such that they would never stoop to mistreating someone this way. That's the boundary I believe everyone should have in their life.

If a couple wants to try to stay together and fix an abusive relationship, the best way to handle it is to separate about at least a year. Live in different homes. Then the two of them go to individual counseling. Only after months of counseling and that all important fundamental change in the core of the abuser can they even start the marital counseling process. And only after months of that can they move back together. Living apart is for the safety of the abused spouse.

Doing any thing else puts the abused spouse at great risk.

Most women who are murdered, are murdered by their SO/spouse at the time when she tries to enforce boundaries and/or leave for her own safety. It is the absolute most dangerous time for a woman who lives with an abusive man.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

SRN1013 said:


> Thanks for the replies everyone.
> 
> Last night was tough - I packed a "just in case" bag in case I needed to leave but to my surprise he didn't say or do anything after another one of his tantrums. I am having lunch with my mom today, debating whether or not I should tell her what's going on. She would be crushed, and I'm genuinely nervous for how my Dad would react to the situation. I don't know if it's time to involve my family yet, my husband's parents already know what's going on and I feel like they always think they can talk him down and then everything is cool between them. I'd like to speak to a specialist first to see how to approach this whole situation, this behavior is just not normal and I'm at my wits end. That being said, I don't know if I'm going to go home tonight, I need my husband to realize that this is serious.


I agree that you need to talk to someone who deals with situations like yours all the time. It's one thing to talk to some people on the internet. But a counselor who sees you in person will be much more able to help you.

One thing that can be helpful is put up some spy cameras in your home and get video of his outbursts. that way you have solid evidence to show what is going on in your home. This can be very helpful, especially when he denies that he does what he does.


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## Puny_T-Rex_Arms (Apr 20, 2017)

Of course I don't know you or your "husband", but based on what you've written, he sounds unhinged and therefore could be a dangerous person to be around. With no children, the odds of coming out of this in good shape are vastly in your favor. *Do you have a house that need getting rid of?* *Do you have debts that need settling?* I have a brother-in-law that sounds like this guy, and honestly I think I you could do better. Again, I've heard only one side of this story, but...


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## Puny_T-Rex_Arms (Apr 20, 2017)

> I am having lunch with my mom today, debating whether or not I should tell her what's going on. She would be crushed, and I'm genuinely nervous for how my Dad would react to the situation. I don't know if it's time to involve my family yet, my husband's parents already know what's going on and I feel like they always think they can talk him down and then everything is cool between them.


Get them involved--you need a support base, a safety net.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> Yes, this happened.
> 
> I had set boundaries and let him know that I was not going to tolerate his abuse. And most of the abuse had stopped. He was occasionally verbally abusive after that. But I thought that the worse of his abuse was over. Apparently, he resented the boundaries that I had sent and decided that he was going to show me that he had the ultimate power.
> 
> ...


If you had been able to defend yourself do you think you could have gotten away from him.A friend of mine teaches martial arts for a living,she also teaches women's self defence which is a different thing all together.She makes sure the women know the most important thing is to get out of any dangerous situation and that's what the classes enforce strongly.She leans towards quick strikes to the most delicate regions of the body and also shows how anything lying around can be used as a weapon if necessary.Like I wrote earlier balls and eyes.A heel to the shin or instep is another way to get someone to release his grip on you.She makes these women do these actions repeatedly so that if they ever need to use them it will be instinctive.And the classes are free.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Andy1001 said:


> If you had been able to defend yourself do you think you could have gotten away from him.A friend of mine teaches martial arts for a living,she also teaches women's self defence which is a different thing all together.She makes sure the women know the most important thing is to get out of any dangerous situation and that's what the classes enforce strongly.She leans towards quick strikes to the most delicate regions of the body and also shows how anything lying around can be used as a weapon if necessary.Like I wrote earlier balls and eyes.A heel to the shin or instep is another way to get someone to release his grip on you.She makes these women do these actions repeatedly so that if they ever need to use them it will be instinctive.And the classes are free.


I'm sure that there is a chance that if I'd had good training that I might have been able to defend myself. I'm 5'3". He was 6'2". The thing is that he had the straight razor.. very sharp one. It would not have taken much for him to do some serious cuts quickly.

I just don't know.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jld said:


> I don't think Ele knew her husband was planning to kill her. I would agree that his actions leading up to that moment were likely an indicator, though. Is that right, Ele?
> 
> To me, OP, this relationship just needs to end. Better safe than sorry.



That's right. I had no idea he was thinking of killing me. He had not been abusive in a while so I thought things were ok.

There were no actions leading up to the moment. He walked in the door, started yelling and pushing me around... and it escalated form there. It was sort of a blitz attack.


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