# When is it time to call it quits?



## Pumpkin_Kisses (Jul 18, 2012)

Background: We have been married for 1.5 years, together for 13.5 years. I have an almost 15 year old son, from a previous relationship, and we have an almost 6 year old daughter together. Both kids are extremely challenging (son has ADHD and behavior issues, daughter has Autism). My husband has been on disability for almost 10 years due to a genetic condition and had his drivers license taken away (due to the disability) right before I had our daughter. 

Prior to finding out I was pregnant with my daughter, I had actually been planning to leave him. Looking back now, I had tons of reasons to validate my reasons for why we shouldn't be together, but I was a weaker person then and just couldn't walk away. There was even a point after I had my daughter that I thought about leaving again, but ended up deciding to stick through with it. 

He ends up begging me to quit my job because he can't handle my daughter by himself, so I wait for an opportune time and volunteer myself for a layoff. At this point, we know she is autistic and that she will require lots of intervention. For the 1st year after leaving my job, I was pretty depressed. We make a series of bad decisions, leading us to going bankrupt and losing our house. In the process of bankruptcy is when we get married. Again, many factors that should have raised a red flag and made me think, but I was depressed and happy to have someone else making decisions. 

Fast forward to now, we fight all the time. He would rather ignore things than talk it out. He has become controlling and wants everything his way because there is no other way. He has zero patience for our daughter and blows up at her all the time. He finds issues with how I deal with my son all the time and I really think he doesn't want him living with us. Oh, and he threatens to leave me constantly and says he will take our daughter from me as well. 

I know he is depressed. He hasn't seen a doctor in 10 years, so he is not even managing his disability. If he needs an appointment, I have to find the doctor, schedule the appointment, and remind him when it is. I have suggested he talk to someone about his depression and he refuses. He also refuses to see a marriage counselor. 

If I'm lucky, I can get him to sit down and talk things out once every couple of months. The problem is that by then everything is so tense and we never actually work anything out. He constantly directs the discussion back to things having to do with my son. If I confront him on any of his issues, he shuts down. He tried playing the "pity party" card today and I refused to play into it, which I also told him. Now, I can admit that I have my own set of issues and I have been working so hard on them. 

My problem now is that I am not working, but plan to find something in the fall when the kids are back in school full-time. I have no money of my own or any medical insurance, so I can't get counseling for myself. 

I love my husband but I just think that sometimes maybe love isn't enough.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Marriage can be tough on people with no kids or healthy kids and no health issues. You have hit the perfect storm of issues.

If he won't go to a counselor, tell him you are going alone. It will show you are serious about addressing the issues. At a minimum you will learn how to talk to him. You may also learn how to live with all these issues. You may also find the strength to move on without him.

Good luck.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I'm so sorry you are having so much trouble. Call your county services office and see where you can get inexpensive or free counseling. Some universities offer it free if you agree to work with an advanced graduate student. They are over-seen by a senior faculty member, so you will get the benefit of that "behind the scenes" person's expertise, too. 

Refusing to stay focused on the topic of discussion can be rectified by you simply repeating, "We are not talking about that now; we are discussing XYZ." 

Also, if he has issues with your son, have you heard him out? Have you discussed compromise or been willing to see if he might have a point (even if it is relatively minor)? If you choose to engage him on the topic of your son, ask him to think of ONE issue he'd like to discuss, and keep him focused on that issue. If you can see some legitimacy in his complaint, acknowledge it and ask him "How do you think we can tackle this?" Make sure he understands that throwing the kid out is NOT an option. 

These are a couple of stategies to try if you choose to confront the problems with the hope of improving the situation. 

And it breaks my heart to think of someone yelling at a kid with autism. I'm a special ed teacher, and I know how challenging it can be. But blaming the kid or taking out anger on the child is just so completely useless and a huge waste of energy. Perhaps some time with one of her service providers--even her own special ed case manager--so that he can learn about her from a neutral perspective? He may see you as "excusing" behaviors that he does not realize are beyond her control.


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## Pumpkin_Kisses (Jul 18, 2012)

I never did make it back to this forum after my initial post. I chose to try and work it out with my husband. My son ended up refusing to live with us in September 2012. My husband was constantly yelling at him, like screaming in his face and stepping in whenever I tried to discipline my son myself. He currently lives with my parents now, and it looks like he will be dropping out of school and getting his GED. He was diagnosed with a mood disorder, possibly bipolar.

I thought that things would calm down with my son not here anymore. They haven't. My husband is just as hard, if not harder on our autistic daughter. He doesn't understand how autism effects her and doesn't want to understand. He just wants to correct what he considers problem behaviors. He gets so angry with her and says horrible things, like saying she "acts like a retard" or "acts like an idiot." He uses his anger as an excuse for acting this way and has refused any kind of counseling. He also refuses to speak with her doctors or therapists about her autism, saying that he thinks getting other peoples' opinions is worthless and he should be able to figure it out himself. 

Today we got into a horrible argument over something completely insignificant. He stated that he wants a divorce and thinks it would give him a chance to be happy. He also said he doesn't even really like me anymore. I asked again if he would consider counseling and laid out my concerns over his anger issues, even explaining how he talks to our daughter as being seen as emotional abuse.

At this point, I feel like I've tried everything that I can. I finally have the answer to my original question and know that now is the time to call it quits.


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## lookinforhelpandhope (Apr 10, 2013)

I'm sorry you've had to deal with this. In some respects your husband sounds like mine and it's very difficult to deal with. It really starts to tear you apart.

All I can say is good luck, brighter days will come and it sounds like you deserve them.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

I know your husband has issues, but the way he treats your daughter is inexcusable. In my opinion he is emotionally abusing her. You don't have to file for divorce right away, but I would definitely separate - and soon.

Did you ever get back to work?
Could you too move you and your daughter in with your mom?
What are your plans?


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