# loves sex but not commitment



## truthbeknown (Sep 4, 2017)

I was married for 20 years and so was my partner. We have a strong sexual/physical connection as we are both kinestetic. We got along great for about 6 months but then I lost my job. She told her mom and her mom judged me for it and said she was dating someone just like her ex husband and should stay away. So we broke up for awhile but she couldn't find anyone that she was attracted to. We had a reconnection and slept together again. I think at this point she just wants me as a sex partner and since i was married for 20 years and have some fears too I guess part of me is okay with it for now. Truthfully, we fit together well in more ways then one physically. Some guys complain about woman who aren't passionate about sex. My partner is afraid of intercourse because she got pregnant with her ex even when he had a vasectomy! And for me I have Peyronie's disease so it's not always easy or comfortable having intercourse. So we do oral alot and touching etc and it seems to work perfectly for both of us. I do wish for more at times (ie to be included in her family) but is it wrong to accept this kind of relationship? we still go out on some dates from time to time but I'm not invited to her sisters upcoming wedding and I am hurting over that a bit.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

truthbeknown said:


> I was married for 20 years and so was my partner. We have a strong sexual/physical connection as we are both kinestetic. *We got along great for about 6 months but then I lost my job.* She told her mom and *her mom judged me for it and said she was dating someone just like her ex husband and should stay away*. *So we broke up for awhile* but she couldn't find anyone that she was attracted to. We had a reconnection and slept together again. *I think at this point she just wants me as a sex partner* and since i was married for 20 years and have some fears too *I guess part of me is okay with it for now.*.......
> 
> Truthfully, we fit together well in more ways then one physically. Some guys complain about woman who aren't passionate about sex. *My partner is afraid of intercourse because she got pregnant* with her ex even when he had a vasectomy! And for me *I have Peyronie's disease* so it's not always easy or comfortable having intercourse. So we do oral alot and touching etc and it seems to work perfectly for both of us. I do wish for more at times (ie to be included in her family) but is it wrong to accept this kind of relationship? we still go out on some dates from time to time but *I'm not invited to her sisters upcoming wedding *and I am hurting over that a bit.


I always hate to see a post where no one responds.

If each of you were married for 20 years, you are likely in your late 30's to early 40's. 

If you are serious about this woman *AND she is serious about you*, you probably should go in for some marriage/relationship counseling to work out the various issues between you.

As to being included in her family, it sounds like her mom has judged you and that lead to a break-up. If she isn't inviting you to a sister's wedding, it probably means that your girl friend is more interested in keeping the piece with her mom than she is in bringing you into the family. That is a real shame, and it is a real bad sign for the future of your relationship. 

May I suggest that you read Glover's book "No More Mr. Nice Guy." One of the things he points out is that lots of men have been raised by women and look to women for validation and approval, as opposed to living lives that give them pleasure and provide them with emotional growth and physical challenges. You might want to do what Glover calls "Get a Life," which is actually, just finding things that you like to do that bring you happiness and a sense of accomplishment and pride.

If you were a relative, I would tell you to focus on yourself and your happiness and that you will find someone else that will value you.

Good luck.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

truthbeknown said:


> I was married for 20 years and so was my partner. We have a strong sexual/physical connection as we are both kinestetic. We got along great for about 6 months but then I lost my job. She told her mom and her mom judged me for it and said she was dating someone just like her ex husband and should stay away. So we broke up for awhile but she couldn't find anyone that she was attracted to. We had a reconnection and slept together again. I think at this point she just wants me as a sex partner and since i was married for 20 years and have some fears too I guess part of me is okay with it for now. Truthfully, we fit together well in more ways then one physically. Some guys complain about woman who aren't passionate about sex. My partner is afraid of intercourse because she got pregnant with her ex even when he had a vasectomy! And for me I have Peyronie's disease so it's not always easy or comfortable having intercourse. So we do oral alot and touching etc and it seems to work perfectly for both of us. I do wish for more at times (ie to be included in her family) but is it wrong to accept this kind of relationship? we still go out on some dates from time to time but I'm not invited to her sisters upcoming wedding and I am hurting over that a bit.


Run.Thats my advice.Run as fast as you can.
If this woman, who is no spring chicken is still allowing her mother to rule her life then I'm not surprised she is divorced.
If she hasn't the decency to invite you to her sisters wedding I would just pull back and break contact with her,she isn't capable of having an adult relationship and you will always play second best to her family.
Like I said, run!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I know that I'm a guy and I absolutely love sex just as much as the next guy!

But sex without commitment and caring seems about as far, distant and pasty as I can imagine!

I like having joint commitment with a loving woman! I do not like "Wham! Bam! Thank you, Ma'am!"*


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Andy1001 said:


> Run.Thats my advice.Run as fast as you can.
> If this woman, who is no spring chicken is still allowing her mother to rule her life then I'm not surprised she is divorced.
> If she hasn't the decency to invite you to her sisters wedding I would just pull back and break contact with her,she isn't capable of having an adult relationship and you will always play second best to her family.
> Like I said, run!


Woah, there, Andy. Totally unfair. OP has not indicated they are in a relationship. In fact, he's indicated they are more or less FWB. I don't know about customs in your area, but here most folks don't invite casual sex partners to family weddings. And we don't know the situation between her and her mother, but you can't fault a mom for disapproving of an unemployed bf or an adult daughter leery of being too involved with a man who isn't gainfully employed.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Just say, no commitment, no sex. Simple.


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## [email protected] (Aug 13, 2017)

truthbeknown said:


> I was married for 20 years and so was my partner. We have a strong sexual/physical connection as we are both kinestetic. We got along great for about 6 months but then I lost my job. She told her mom and her mom judged me for it and said she was dating someone just like her ex husband and should stay away. So we broke up for awhile but she couldn't find anyone that she was attracted to. We had a reconnection and slept together again. I think at this point she just wants me as a sex partner and since i was married for 20 years and have some fears too I guess part of me is okay with it for now. Truthfully, we fit together well in more ways then one physically. Some guys complain about woman who aren't passionate about sex. My partner is afraid of intercourse because she got pregnant with her ex even when he had a vasectomy! And for me I have Peyronie's disease so it's not always easy or comfortable having intercourse. So we do oral alot and touching etc and it seems to work perfectly for both of us. I do wish for more at times (ie to be included in her family) but is it wrong to accept this kind of relationship? we still go out on some dates from time to time but I'm not invited to her sisters upcoming wedding and I am hurting over that a bit.




A lo


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## [email protected] (Aug 13, 2017)

Wow a partner that enjoys sex as much as you and doesn't drag you to family functions. Sounds like a near perfect relationship. 


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## growing_weary (Jul 23, 2017)

If you want more why are you ok with this just for now? Just for now can turn into forever? If she dropped you just because of what her mom said (and not for any other reasons) then I would seriously consider why you still want to be in a relationship with her.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Her mom rules , I'd just have sex but I'd be shopping for some else.....fwb


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## [email protected] (Aug 13, 2017)

truthbeknown said:


> I was married for 20 years and so was my partner. We have a strong sexual/physical connection as we are both kinestetic. We got along great for about 6 months but then I lost my job. She told her mom and her mom judged me for it and said she was dating someone just like her ex husband and should stay away. So we broke up for awhile but she couldn't find anyone that she was attracted to. We had a reconnection and slept together again. I think at this point she just wants me as a sex partner and since i was married for 20 years and have some fears too I guess part of me is okay with it for now. Truthfully, we fit together well in more ways then one physically. Some guys complain about woman who aren't passionate about sex. My partner is afraid of intercourse because she got pregnant with her ex even when he had a vasectomy! And for me I have Peyronie's disease so it's not always easy or comfortable having intercourse. So we do oral alot and touching etc and it seems to work perfectly for both of us. I do wish for more at times (ie to be included in her family) but is it wrong to accept this kind of relationship? we still go out on some dates from time to time but I'm not invited to her sisters upcoming wedding and I am hurting over that a bit.




If she not taking you to the wedding then who is she taking. Women usually have a date at a wedding



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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Its really your choice. If you are enjoying your relationship as it is, then continue. Since there is no commitment, you are still free to meet someone else. If you are not enjoying it, then leave.

Nothing wrong with it if it is what you both want.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

[email protected] said:


> Wow a partner that enjoys sex as much as you and doesn't drag you to family functions. Sounds like a near perfect relationship.


LOL...that's probably my hubby's dream girl! :grin2:


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

She's been pretty clear that she likes the sex, but isn't interested in a more serious relationship. You're having mutually satisfying sex together. You're her lover. You are not her boyfriend, partner, husband, or even her love. If what you have with her is not what you want from a relationship, then stop seeing her and go find a woman who does want the same thing you do. She's not holding you hostage.

Friends with benefits doesn't work for everyone. Others are quite happy with that situation. Neither is wrong. But if you're one of the people it doesn't work for, then it's your job to stop doing it and go find something that does work for you.


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## Volunteer86 (Aug 2, 2017)

LOL



She'sStillGotIt said:


> LOL...that's probably my hubby's dream girl! :grin2:


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## truthbeknown (Sep 4, 2017)

to give more insight: i wasn't unemployed but I guess to her it felt like it. I was working for a company that did not pay it's contractors and they owed me 3 pay periods of pay. So i wasn't willing to go out on dates with no money but we had been seeing each other and sleeping together for the previous 6 months. When i turned her down for an event that was out of my budget i think she told her mom that i couldn't afford to go. She has NO filter and i am guessing that she didn't filter out my situation and then the mom judged me as such. For the record I do have a steady job now and she is still reluctant to inviting me to the wedding. She had a heart attack about a month ago and i visited her in the hospital. Her parents know that i care about her and her sister really likes me. In fact her sister keeps telling her, "we really like (my name)". But she is afraid to have me seen in front of people she knows in the community for fear of people thinking or asking who I am to her. I know it's weird and that's why i'm trying to decided what to do. She wants to go out on dates again and I'm avoiding talking about the wedding to see if she changes her mind if we go out on a few dates.


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## truthbeknown (Sep 4, 2017)

thanks for the replies. I am challenging myself on this issue and appreciate the feedback. Some of the you who have said, sex without getting dragged to family functions- that's funny. Maybe I'm being too serious? I think this is a good chance for me to find out what I really want. I know that having a lover devoid of commitment is okay for some and not for others. Part of me is thinking that maybe this works right now because I'm not ready for a long term relationship on some level. Having an activity partner who wants to be just that and have exclusive fwb might not be bad for right now but the challenge is that I do remember being part of family activities before and since this is a big one if I don't get invited it feels like I will have a hard time looking at her as a long term option even if she changes her mind.


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## [email protected] (Aug 13, 2017)

truthbeknown said:


> thanks for the replies. I am challenging myself on this issue and appreciate the feedback. Some of the you who have said, sex without getting dragged to family functions- that's funny. Maybe I'm being too serious? I think this is a good chance for me to find out what I really want. I know that having a lover devoid of commitment is okay for some and not for others. Part of me is thinking that maybe this works right now because I'm not ready for a long term relationship on some level. Having an activity partner who wants to be just that and have exclusive fwb might not be bad for right now but the challenge is that I do remember being part of family activities before and since this is a big one if I don't get invited it feels like I will have a hard time looking at her as a long term option even if she changes her mind.




I made a smart ass answer in saying that seemed like a near perfect relationship. In truth if it were me i would wonder why I wasn't invited....Is she dating another guy which means she probably having sex with him which is okay but if I were you I would want to know. if not another guy is she ashamed to be seen with me. I'd wait until after the wedding and then ask. I am not thinned skinned or am I thick but if I was with a woman who I thought I might plan a life with and she excluded me from her sisters wedding regardless of her reason....I'd be looking for a new gal but that's me.......good luck !


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

It doesn't matter what she said to her mom, or her reasons for not wanting to be linked with you in public. What does matter is that it bothers you, you want more and it hurts to be thought of as incidental to someone you're fond of. With that in mind, people sometimes need to be told or as my brother would have said 'smacked upside the head' with the rules. Your rules are that, since you don't like the way she compartmentalizes you out of her life, she must decide if she wants a relationship that does not include being hurtful or if she would prefer to find another ****buddy.

Also, the wedding thing...**** buddies, dates, even girl/boyfriends don't generally get invited to weddings. If your GF received an invitation that included a guest it might be reasonable to expect to attend with her. Having recently paid for a wedding I can vouch that we only sent 'plus one' invites to engaged or living together guests. Wedding are just ridiculously expensive and people need to stop assuming it's no big deal to bring a guest...try paying to 20 extra people because all the single friends want to bring a date? You've got to cut it off somewhere.


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## truthbeknown (Sep 4, 2017)

Anon Pink,

I would be okay with it if she was more clear in her communication. However, when i said, "if you wanted me or someone else to go, I couldn't see your sister not being okay with it." She replied, "I don't want to have a date at this wedding. I can't wait until it's over; its alot of stress and it's causing alot of problems for everybody. My sister is bossing everybody around (even though i think this is perceived and not actual) and my mom is stressed over by it. She could have taken the time to do this in 6 months or a year and she's trying to rush it because she's afraid (new husband/ ex nfl football player) will back out." In the meanwhile, she tells me her Mom or her sister okayed it for this other guy from their religious congregation to go. He has manipulated his way inside the family (long story). 

So I don't know if it is a plus one or not because haven't seen official invitations etc. She just has a tendency to tell you things like who gets to go etc without thinking about how that would affect someone who can't or isn't invited. In other words, she is not very diplomatic. 

I am just going to relax about it but i look for red flags and I've had a few already so just trying to figure myself out as far as why i'm here with her, what i'm getting out of it? I'm I just in it for sex now and I've lowered my standards? or am i learning that things don't have to be black and white and just see where things go. I will get more clarity on things next time we see each other. Right now i took a job that requires alot of out of town trips so I don't know that I would be able to start a new relationship anyway. Maybe thats why i'm taking what she gives me?


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