# Child of the affair



## wanttotrust (Feb 2, 2016)

I'm interested in hearing from women that have dealt with a child born from their husband's affair.

Were you able to R?
Were you able to love the child?
How bad was it to deal with the immoral OW and the parenting plan?
Were you ever able to forgive him?
How horrible was it to deal with family, friends, neighbors, and ptsa members?

My husband had a 2.5 month affair with a 20 yo - we are in our mid-late 40s. He is remorseful, is working hard at IC and MC, and has done everything I've asked so far. I found out a few days after Xmas '15. We are working out way through R, and I am past disbelief and moving in to the sadness stage. I don't know yet what will happen. We have a tween and a preschooler, own a house, I stay at home, he has a great tech job.

The OW is a real winner. She picked up my husband in a bar, and mostly had sex with him in his truck (now sold). Her ex-fiancé was also over 40. She called me after my husband broke it off with her! To "apologize for all the sneaking around." She can't understand why I'm so angry and "come at her from all directions" even though "she's tried to be so respectful"?!?

The OW has moved an 8 hr drive away to live with her estranged ex meth addict mother. She has a whole slew of winning relatives from her small town of 400 or so. The u/s is tomorrow. We just found out she is pregnant for real because I txted her last week, asking what she had decided. She's so classy - she was going to just send a "gotcha" u/s. 

Anyhow, our lawyer says the best we can get is 50% custody. We hadn't realized she'd moved so far away (but still in state).


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Has paternity been established yet?


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

How do you know its your husband kid? This girl has probably screwed 8-10 guys in the days surrounding her diddling with your old man. It'd take the court and a DNA test before I'd claim any ownership in her kid. Let her and the ex fiancé guy take the fall.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> Has paternity been established yet?


Agreed! I would imagine if she is his much of a "winner" -there were more guys than your husband. First things first - establish paternity. After that I will tell you this - it is a tough road. The child is innocent and deserves the best life possible. Happened to a friend of mine his ex-wife had an affair and got pregnant. He did disestablish paternity so the OM had to pay child support but is raising the child along with his ex-wife. Guess what? he has a few children including the affair child and she is the only one who yearns to be with him when its time for visitation according to a mutual friend. 

Here is the thing - the child is separate form your spouse the child is innocent and deserves love - the WS a good swift kick in the a**. You might find in this child something very special, and it could bring out a side of you - that you never knew was there - meaning a capacity for love you never knew you had. I think you should seek professional help specifically for dealing with this...I've never asked my friend if his daughter constantly reminds him of his ex-wifes affair I didn't think it proper but when he does refer to her - it is simply as his daughter.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

An ultra-sound photo is not proof of her pregnancy. It could be a friend's or she could get it off the internet. If she is pregnant with your husband's child, she will have to prove that it is his child. Do not believe anything until you have real proof.
Further, if she is pregnant and if the baby is your husband's, it is likely that she will not take proper care of the child, based on what you've said. Your husband should have a plan for how to handle that.

Also I would recommend that you stop creating new threads about your situation. It gets confusing and people will be less likely to find and follow your threads.


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## wanttotrust (Feb 2, 2016)

I don't hold any of the adult drama against the baby. I plan on treating the baby as if it's our third child, because of course it will be. My first choice was to adopt it. I wasn't expecting to be a new mother in my early AND late 40's. But I'll do what I can to ease the baby's way.

The OW can't wait to play "mommy" and finally have someone love her. I'm very worried she will use the child against us, and be a constant irritant. We are planning to use social service centers, etc. for drop offs, and carefully limit communication.

Of course we are reluctant to announce this and pursue legal arrangements until after paternity testing. But we also can't spring this on our kids out of nowhere.

All our plans depend on us being able to work things out and keep it together. It's been good to have something else to focus on.

I can't find much online about children of affairs, and how, or even if wives can make it work. Maybe I'm kidding myself that I can even do it.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Someone get on the phone w/ the Vatican and nominate OP for sainthood.

Sorry, couldn't do it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

You must do what you feel is best. While I understand the child is innocent in this, I honestly do not believe I could do what you are trying to do. It is not a matter of being a better, more charitable person or however it could be painted, but a matter of simple differences in approach. 

I would be so unshakably hurt by my husband's wilful selfishness and carelessness that I would forever question his character and ability to love and respect anyone but himself. I would also resist the guilt of taking responsibility where I truly had none, although I do understand and empathize with your reasons.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I would strongly encourage you to divorce.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Staying with this WH and being constantly reminded of his sin, why are you doing this, because you feel you have to? You don't, this will not end well.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

wanttotrust said:


> I don't hold any of the adult drama against the baby. I plan on treating the baby as if it's our third child, because of course it will be. My first choice was to adopt it. I wasn't expecting to be a new mother in my early AND late 40's. But I'll do what I can to ease the baby's way.
> 
> The OW can't wait to play "mommy" and finally have someone love her. I'm very worried she will use the child against us, and be a constant irritant. We are planning to use social service centers, etc. for drop offs, and carefully limit communication.
> 
> ...



Don't do anything until after the paternity test. As others have mentioned, she may not even be pregnant. If she is, it's only possibly your WH's. 

It's okay to discuss in private what you want to see happen if it turns out she really is pregnant with his baby. Your lawyer is probably right about the 50% custody, but only if she fights you. She may not have the will or the resources to fight. If she is living with a meth user, and you can prove that meth is being used (or worse cooked) in the house, you may be able to get residential custody. 

But be sure you really want that. It may not be the baby's fault, but it's your husband's responsibility. Not yours. You can still divorce him, and he can still be responsible to take care of his own baby.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

CynthiaDe said:


> An ultra-sound photo is not proof of her pregnancy. It could be a friend's or she could get it off the internet. If she is pregnant with your husband's child, she will have to prove that it is his child. Do not believe anything until you have real proof.
> Further, if she is pregnant and if the baby is your husband's, it is likely that she will not take proper care of the child, based on what you've said. Your husband should have a plan for how to handle that.
> 
> Also I would recommend that you stop creating new threads about your situation. It gets confusing and people will be less likely to find and follow your threads.


I would have thought the girl would have let you know about this much earlier. Agree, get paternity.

FWIW, didn't the cheating husband even use a condom (and flush it down the toilet). While I truly understand how this "happened" to the H, he nevertheless made this happen (if she really is pregnant). The baby should not be made to suffer. If it is his, H has an obligation to make sure that child is properly cared for, and that means even making sure pregnant mom has problem healthcare and nutrition and access to OB-GYN. Problem though is if H does not help out with that now, and it turns out the kid IS his, there is developmental risk to the unborn child. 

Can a paternity be done now before the birth? If so, do it. Even if it means not only having to pay all the costs, but pay HER to agree to the test. Tough spot to be in but that is the price to pay for not keeping your pants on.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

If you are set on adoption, once paternity is established, I bet OW has a price. Of course she wants to play mommy. shes going to be getting monthly checks from you for the next 18+ years.

How much would it take for her to give up the baby? Depending on the amount, it may be a tall price to pay now, but it conversely gets OW out of the picture where she isn't involved, and there will not be monthly payments to her for 18+ years. And it gets that baby into a loving stable home.

Just a thought. In any event you are a better person than I would be.

edit to add: you would want an attorney involved here from the start.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

jld said:


> I would strongly encourage you to divorce.


Agreed, but after you first get a job. Time for self-respecting independence!

You're right to be dismissive of the OW, calling her a loser. Remember that it takes two for an affair, so everything you say about her is also true of your H. She didn't put a gun to his head and force him to fcuk her.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> If you are set on adoption, once paternity is established, I bet OW has a price. Of course she wants to play mommy. *shes going to be getting monthly checks from you for the next 18+ years.*


Not from her, from him. She isn't employed. If she does decide to get a job, she can divorce and get child support from him, same as this OW. But her own money will be hers.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> *shes* going to be getting monthly checks from you for the next 18+ years.


Technically true as the legal guardian/mother, but it is the *CHILD* who will be getting the checks from him for the next 18 years. 

Potentially all this from the lack of a 50 cent condom. Such a shame.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

sapientia said:


> Not from her, from him. She isn't employed. If she does decide to get a job, she can divorce and get child support from him, same as this OW. But her own money will be hers.


My point was IF she was set on adoption, not if she divorces. If she divorces she sure as heck isn't going to adopt the baby. If they remain married, it is her money. Household money, no matter who earns it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

blueinbr said:


> Technically true as the legal guardian/mother, but it is the *CHILD* who will be getting the checks from him for the next 18 years.
> 
> Potentially all this from the lack of a 50 cent condom. Such a shame.


Yes, technically it will be the baby's money but come on the checks go to OW.

What a mess.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Child support is not the child's money. It is money to support the child. The parent is suppose to use it to pay for food, clothing, shelter, and etc. for the child. It is the one parent's share of supporting the child. If a parent does not pay child support, but later is somehow forced to pay up, the lump sum does not go to the children. It goes to the parent who took on the full burden of caring for the child and had to do it on her/his own without help from the other parent.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

blueinbr said:


> Technically true as the legal guardian/mother, but it is the *CHILD* who will be getting the checks from him for the next 18 years.
> 
> Potentially all this from the lack of a 50 cent condom. Such a shame.



It might be more than 18 years, there are some states where parents are ordered to pay for college. The way he provides for his existing children can often be brought into court.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

blueinbr said:


> Technically true as the legal guardian/mother, but it is the *CHILD* who will be getting the checks from him for the next 18 years.
> 
> Potentially all this from the lack of a 50 cent condom. Such a shame.


I don't know what place you live in, but around here, CS payments are property of the custodial parent. They are "reimbursement" for assumed expenses. And if they don't spend that much, they pocket the remainder.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

So you've known for about three months that your husband cheated, and you're all ready to completely forgive him and adopt his love child? Holy crap.

You need to slow down here. As others ahve said, don't even think about any of this until you have established that 1) she IS actually pregnant, and 2) that it IS actually your husbands. You said in another thread that she refused to provide any proof of being pregnant - that was over a month ago, and now suddenly she has an ultrasound?? Sounds pretty fishy to me.

Anyway, What exactly has your husband done to prove he's even remorseful? Has he had the STD she gave him treated? Are you guys in MC? Is he willing to chop his arms off for you? Is he trying desperately to redeem himself? This soon from D Day he should be terrified that you're going to divorce him, and he should be bending himself into a pretzel trying to prove he's even worth your time.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

wanttotrust said:


> I don't hold any of the adult drama against the baby. I plan on treating the baby as if it's our third child, because of course it will be. My first choice was to adopt it. I wasn't expecting to be a new mother in my early AND late 40's. But I'll do what I can to ease the baby's way.
> 
> The OW can't wait to play "mommy" and finally have someone love her. I'm very worried she will use the child against us, and be a constant irritant. We are planning to use social service centers, etc. for drop offs, and carefully limit communication.


You need to understand something. This baby is NOT your 3rd child nor are you going to be a new mommy. This child is the child of the OW. This child is the child of your WH. This child is your STEP CHILD. Presumably, the details of rearing the child will be up to the child's biological parents. You may be able to give your input, but at the end of the day the final decisions will be made by the baby's mother and father.

If the OW is looking forward to being a mother and having a baby to love and be loved by, don't get your hopes up that she will allow you to adopt her baby. And don't get your hopes up that she will lose custody or have her parental rights terminated. Proving unfit parenting isn't as easy as many people think.

If you're staying married to your WH, you need to understand that he will be co-parenting with OW for the next 18+ years and a certain level of contact between them will be part of the deal.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

For the sake of the child (who might not exist) OP's H needs to move FAST to establish paternity. I doubt he want to be the biological father of a developmentally disabled meth baby. 

Even after spending a few thousand (I have no idea on cost) and it turns out she is not pregnant or baby is not his, they will be significantly relieved and can put at least the baby issue behind them.

Would she get more child support if the kid is disabled?


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

MJJEAN said:


> You need to understand something. This baby is NOT your 3rd child nor are you going to be a new mommy. This child is the child of the OW. This child is the child of your WH. This child is your STEP CHILD. Presumably, the details of rearing the child will be up to the child's biological parents. You may be able to give your input, but at the end of the day the final decisions will be made by the baby's mother and father.


This is something you will need to establish with your husband ,should the baby actually be his, before stepping in to care for the baby. If your husband does end up with 50/50 custody and you are home caring for the baby, the baby will see you as a second mother. Do you want to be a baby sitter for your husband's baby with the OW? If not, you need to establish boundaries with him if and when that time comes.


MJJEAN said:


> If the OW is looking forward to being a mother and having a baby to love and be loved by, don't get your hopes up that she will allow you to adopt her baby. And don't get your hopes up that she will lose custody or have her parental rights terminated. Proving unfit parenting isn't as easy as many people think.


She is unlikely to take very good care of the baby and will have drastically different ideas on how to raise a child. This does not mean that she will lose the child. It simply means that she will be a bad mother and there will be nothing you or your husband can do about it. I recommend you start reading up on dealing with difficult people and fools.

Sorry you are in this position. It sucks.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

again, assuming you aren't going to divorce him. 

And assuming the baby exists and assuming it is his.

Make the woman an offer she can't refuse. Cheaper in the long run and gets her out of the picture. This baby (again assuming it exists) is seen as a lottery ticket to this woman. Checks from the baby daddy and checks from he state. She only cares about the money. 

OR, this woman sucks cash out of your wallet every month for the next 18+ years, and you will have some bratty, disrepectful trashy kid coming around every other weekend.

OR, dump him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Based on your posts, it appears that you have had extensive communication with this OW and she has you on a string. That on top of the obvious marriage problems you are trying to work through is emotionally exhausting.
I recommend that you pick up three books and read them asap:
- Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself, by Melody Beattie. http://www.amazon.com/Codependent-N...458688622&sr=8-1&keywords=Codependent+No+More
- Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes from, How It Sabotages Our Lives, by Pia Mellody. http://www.amazon.com/Facing-Codepe...1&keywords=facing+codependency+by+pia+mellody
- Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder, by Paul Mason and Randi Kreger. Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder: Paul Mason MS, Randi Kreger: 9781572246904: Amazon.com: Books

This will help you avoid getting sucked into her drama. It will also help you understand a person with personality disorder, which it is likely she would fall under. Knowledge is power. Don't try to help anyone until you have an understanding of what is going on in you and what kind of person you are dealing with.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

This is not as simple and cut and dry as you seem to think-------the bio mother, is gonna get every chance to establish her rights, also the court may very well frown on your H., for going outside of his own mge., and having unprotected sex, which puts a stain on your H.-------the bio mother, no matter what---if she wants the child, is gonna have lots of time with the child-------which means she is gonna be in your life for the next 18 to 19 years-------depending on her partners you may be in for a rough ride----and in your 50's-60's do you really need or want this in your life

Even if in the beginning you get the child---that doesn't mean that the bio mother can't go back to court as many times as she needs to get what she wants------you better think long and hard about all of this

Child is innocent and may be wonderful. but may have a whole lot of misery and drama attached to her/him.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Chances are this chick hooks up with any number of losers, jerk offs, bums, low wage/brain guys and she see Wanttotrust's old man as a schmuck that she can blame it on and will pick up the tab for the kid.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

ThePheonix said:


> ...his chick hooks up with ...losers, jerk offs, bums, low ...brain guys ...


:iagree: and the wife has to clean up the mess.


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