# Self Improvement in Marriage



## upstate_guy (Oct 28, 2010)

Hi everyone, I've been reading this site for about a month and this is my first time posting here.

I've been married for a little over a year now, wife and I have been together for 7 total. I recently got a rude awakening when I became aware of an email correspondance that my wife was having for several months with an ex-lover that was bordering on becoming something like an emotional affair. 

I immediately freaked out and started trying to find resources on dealing with EAs, and got a lot of good advice on what makes people stray from their spouses. Not getting enough attention, intimacy, etc. from their partner.. I recognized a lot of those failures in myself, particularly given that my wife was going through a difficult time with the death of a dear family member. We discussed what made her reach out to her ex and she confirmed that she was suffering and not getting the attention she needed from me so she began seeking it elsewhere.

I feel really bad that I ever allowed things to get to the point where she had to look outside of our marriage for the support that I should have been providing her with all along. I wish I'd had the self-awareness to identify the problems before they got this serious, but I know that I had gotten complacent in our relationship and often took my wife for granted. I rarely took time for self-analysis or to think about the needs in our marriage.

So, I thought that if I wasn't being a good husband to the point where she had started looking up exes, I'd better make some changes in my life, and fast. I quit video games cold turkey, I started planning more 'date nights' for us, I worked on being a better listener, made sure I went to bed with her every night, etc. Basically, I reflected on every time in our relationship when she'd commented that I had let her down and tried to correct every single one.

So, the "new me" has been around for about 4 weeks now and I've actually found that making a point of putting my wife first has made me feel a lot better about myself. I'm trying to carry this newfound thoughtfulness into other relationships in my life, particularly with my parents and siblings, but also into being a better employee at work, etc. 

The problem is that I'm worried that it's too much change all at once for my wife to handle. Am I overcompensating for 7 years of being less than all I could have been? Is there a better method of gradual improvement that would help her be more comfortable with my new outlook on life? She has made a comment that she's afraid she is going to get used to my new attitude and then I'm going to revert back to my old ways and she's going to be crushed. So, I think to some extent, it's a matter of building up her trust that I am committed to doing the right thing and treating her the right way. Also, despite whatever flaws I had, I am still the man that she fell in love with and married, and that part of me shouldn't go away either. 

I guess I'm really just trying to be the best version of myself while still being true to myself and not becoming someone other than the man that my wife fell in love with. Does this make any sense? Sorry for writing an essay here but thanks for reading! This site has been a great resource for me and I appreciate any help that people have to offer for my current situation.


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## AWife (Sep 25, 2010)

upstate_guy said:


> She has made a comment that she's afraid she is going to get used to my new attitude and then I'm going to revert back to my old ways and she's going to be crushed.


It sounds like she's happy with what you're doing. Just do everything you can to keep this from happening.  I wish my husband would make as much effort. Good luck to you!


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Wow....I bet alot of women here wish their husbands would do the same! You are an awesome man and she is lucky to have you! Keep up the good work, I'm sure you and your marriage will be rewarded for all the hard work!


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## upstate_guy (Oct 28, 2010)

Thanks for the encouragement, that's really nice to read, especially at a time when I've been getting a little bit down on myself over past mistakes.

I'm finding that there's definitely a balancing act here; I want my wife to be my top priority, but I need to be my own person and bring new things to the relationship too. 

I guess the important thing is just to always make sure that the effort and attention are there, and hopefully the rest falls into place.


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

Just keep doing what you're doing. Both you and your wife will get used to the new attitude. In a month or two you'll forget life was ever different. Good job  
And yes, it's important to put your needs and wants as an equal priority to your wife's.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Maybe that's what the song meant by "Surrender, but don't give yourself away."
Sounds like your on the right track-don't lose it.


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## takris (Sep 22, 2010)

Keep it going!!

One point to consider, though: Did she ever try to tell you that her needs were not being met before you asked? If you go though low periods where you are not keeping up with your new life, she could help if you both work on communication. You being receptive and her being willing to bring it up.


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## upstate_guy (Oct 28, 2010)

takris said:


> Keep it going!!
> 
> One point to consider, though: Did she ever try to tell you that her needs were not being met before you asked? If you go though low periods where you are not keeping up with your new life, she could help if you both work on communication. You being receptive and her being willing to bring it up.


She said that she had told me she was in a 'dark place' mid-summer but either that didn't register with me at all or I didn't understand the severity of what she was telling me. 

One thing that I have struggled with in our relationship is that my wife has a mindset that if she has to tell me something then it cheapens my response.. like, she will think that I am only doing something because she told me she needed it, and then it won't mean as much. I haven't yet figured out a good way to tell her that I will try my best to pick up on her signals but it's ok for her to come out and tell me things sometimes, too. 

If she had just said "why don't you come visit my grandfather with me in the hospital more often?" then I could have changed my behavior there; I just wasn't thinking straight at the time but now it's too late and I think that'll always be a little bit of a sore spot for her.

She says that she hates 'drama' which I guess means discussing the difficult parts of our marriage when things aren't going as well. To her credit though, she often asks me what I need from her or what she could be doing better, so I think I need to find a way to communicate that I need her to be more open about discussing our issues, even when it's difficult.


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

I'm going through the same with my husband. Not only won't he ask for anything, he's "taught" me not to ask for anything either, by example. I'm slowly trying to revert that in my self. If he choses to follow me this time around, it's his choice. 

You can try to explain to her that life is a busy, complicated mess and there are millions of things all fighting of our attention every single minute. While she's your top priority and you want everything that's best for her, you still can't keep an eye at her and analyze her emotions and needs permanently thus sometimes you won't manage to figure out what she needs unless she tells you. 

You can also tell her that if she reveals those needs to you (since you want to make her happy), not only will it not cheapen your response, you'll do it our of pleasure, and be grateful that she told you because mind-reading is one of the skills that most of us human beings haven't really perfected yet  Since you suck at mind-reading so bad(hint of joking here so don't be offended =) ), her telling you is actually great because she's helping you out. As a response, you're helping her out and giving her what she needs. 

As much as we might love and care for oneanother or know oneanother after many years of marriage, none of us are mindreaders. Use some humor, some love and whatever else you can think of but do explain that sharing feelings and needs is not a bad thing.


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## LuvMyH (Nov 11, 2009)

Sounds like you're doing a great job, Upstate. Self improvement in marriage is a beautiful thing. My husband and I both have learned similar lessons to the ones you've learned. It's been 20 months and we've shown no signs of regressing. In fact, we seem to be getting better and better as time goes by. 

In the beginning, I thought of the changes in myself as being "the new me", but really, I feel more like myself than I have in years. Who was the b&[email protected]! who treated her husband so badly?lol! My husband tells me he feels the same way about his past behavior.

Just wanted to offer some encouragement that it's possible to keep up the improvements. There are people here who have been reaping the benefits of self and marriage improvements for many years. I love reading their posts!

Best wishes!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## less_disgruntled (Oct 16, 2010)

Wow, the OP is really commendable. I like reading things like that.


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## jimrich (Sep 26, 2010)

"The problem is that I'm worried that it's too much change all at once for my wife to handle. 
...That can happen if she has become used to your 'bad' behavior and needs time to adjust to this so-called 'new' you. Maybe your new self is not convincing for her.

Am I overcompensating for 7 years of being less than all I could have been? 
... It can happen when you go from one extreme to the other and the other person doesn't know how to deal with you.


Is there a better method of gradual improvement that would help her be more comfortable with my new outlook on life? 
.... Not sure what method you have used so far BUT you need to realize that just because you've changed, she may not be ready or willing to change the way you expect her to.

She has made a comment that she's afraid she is going to get used to my new attitude and then I'm going to revert back to my old ways and she's going to be crushed. 
...It's possible!

So, I think to some extent, it's a matter of building up her trust that I am committed to doing the right thing and treating her the right way. 
....And that could take a long time.

Also, despite whatever flaws I had, I am still the man that she fell in love with and married, and that part of me shouldn't go away either.
.... Just don't expect her to be or act a certain way now that you are doing better. It may take more than just 4 weeks for her to become comfortable and trust you again.


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## upstate_guy (Oct 28, 2010)

jimrich: 

My experience so far seems to confirm pretty much everything that you wrote. My wife responded really positively to my changed behavior during the first few weeks (she ended the EA, we went on a bunch of dates, had increased intimacy, got along well all-around) but lately I've been wanting more (too much?) from her and I'm forcing things that end up creating setbacks.

There's truth in what you wrote "just because you've changed, she may not be ready or willing to change the way you expect her to". I feel frustrated because I have a lot to offer, I am trying to be at my best and I feel like she's taking me for granted / not reciprocating in the ways I want her to. Probably she still just sees me as the lazier, inattentive version of myself that I had become earlier in the year. I wonder if she is having any feelings about the end of the EA that are clouding her thinking, too.

I've developed a bad habit of wanting to have 'relationship talks' at the end of the night when we're already in bed, which end up with her feeling worse about herself not meeting my needs, then she doesn't sleep well and she's tired all the time which is affecting her mood and sex drive, so it's kind of a downward spiral.

Given that things were moving in the right direction initially, I think I need to just force myself to ease up on her a bit, focus on myself and let things work themselves out over time. It's hard having patience because I want some immediate positive feedback that the changes I've made are working. Looking back on it though, I think she was giving me that initially, and I just pushed too much to the point where she started to shut down.

We've started looking at marriage counseling, but now I'm concerned about whether or not that's going to be another thing on the pile of "too much change too quickly" for her given that every time we talk about our relationship together she feels worse about herself. Maybe it's better to just dial things back and go into more of a "dating" mode for a while instead of trying to really dig deep to the bottom of our marriage. It does bother me that she has so much trouble talking about our relationship, but maybe that will come easier once things are a little more solid between the two of us?


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