# Wife obsessed with teenage daughter / and other issues



## Getbusylivin (Dec 23, 2012)

We have been married for 19 yrs and have three kids. Our oldest is 17 and going into her senior year of high school. My wife is completely obsessed with every facet of her life and in the process has emotionally and physically abandoned our marriage. I have tried to reason with her and let her know what kind of damage she is causing and she will answer my " reach out to communicate emails " and acknowledge the problem but then does nothing to change it.. I am a normal guy with emotional and physical needs and wants and they are not being met ,, 

We live check to check and she refuses to work and help with the bills,, she says she has a full time job raising the kids which I do totally agree with but with all of them in school she has all day to herself and she could be working,, I only have so much energy to devote to trying to see what she is doing to us and the marriage, when I run out of effort and energy that will be the end of our marriage,, I don't want that to happen. We have already separated once for about a year and then reconciled with me making the changes she thought I should make and her still stayiing on the same destructive path,,

How can I reach her,, what am I doing wrong


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

This looks like a counseling issue to me. She can't let go, will not work...

Seems a little like depression, OCD, poor self esteem...


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

This is extreme helicopter parenting and is very destructive to both your marriage and the kids.

Helping or hovering? When 'helicopter parenting' backfires - NBC News.com

I would make an MC appointment and tell your wife to be there, and that MC is a condition of remaining married. Hopefully the MC will be able to talk some sense into her.


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## Getbusylivin (Dec 23, 2012)

She has had some health issues, female and what not,, she is depressed to a point but want admit it or treat it,, She thinks all her problems are my fault,, Our kids go to an upscale private school which is still small in size , and she is so obsessed with what the other parents think and talk about her kids and her in general,, meanwhile she doesn't give our relationship a second thought,, just spends the money as I give it to her,, and justifies it by saying I spend it on the kids.. She doesn't know how to say no to the girls and when I get home from work ( I work offshore and I am gone allot which doesn't help the situation at all ) I have to be the bad guy and say no just to get them under some since of control,,


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Senior year is a very busy time for children. Your wife probably loves all of the activities & it gives her great pleasure to be so involved. I am sensing that you also are looking into the future. You have 2 more children who will be seniors in high school & your marriage looks bleak in the future.

If you live paycheck to paycheck, how do you plan to pay for college?

I think your wife is being selfish not wanting to work part-time now that the children are older if your family needs a second income. I agree with the above poster that you need marriage counseling if you are so unhappy that you are considering divorce.


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## Getbusylivin (Dec 23, 2012)

I plan to pay for college as I have private school, The school they attend cost me $16,000 per year for three kids.. so you could say I am budgeted to a point for college.. 
My wife is not planning very well for the departure of our first child to college in a year and a half,, when she leaves my wife will need to be committed,,,

She thinks all I want is sex from her, and I have told her in as many ways as I could that is not the case,, I am emotionally lonely and yes going for years , many years without so much as a kiss or a hug is not healthy for me or our marriage,, Of course I want sex and all that goes with it,, i was very popular with the ladies when i met her and she knew going into to this what I was about,, and for the first 10 years it was normal and great, but after kid # 2 the intimacy faded and after kid #3 it disappeared all together ,, And i do agree we need counseling bad but I have heard horror story of marriage counselors that did not have a clue of how to repair a marriage, it scares me to death to start seeing one,,,


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Sorry, but wait until your daughter is planing her marriage. 

I think she is trying to relive her youth through your children. Don't be afraid of counseling, just make sure you get referrals from real patients. I would also take advantage of the reviews people post online.

If you have a Employee Assistance Program at work they are very good at matching you with good counselor. Also, if at first it does not seem right, leave and find someone else.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Unfortunately you can't be an absent parent and let your wife run things (well or badly) and expect to come home and criticize what she has done. She's the one on the front line while you are gone during what is probably some of the toughest times for a teenager.

But as for spending, etc... you need a budget and stick to it. Put money away for bills or savings out of her reach.

As for marriage counseling, it saved my marriage. Don't dismiss it so quickly.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Getbusylivin,

Oh boy do I hear you! I think I was nearly as bad as your wife, except I did have a part time job in a field I loved. When my oldest went off to HS I realized I would need to be committed if I didn't find meaning in my life separate from my kids. My marriage had been very distant for a long time so seeking solace Withmy husband wasn't an option that I seriously considered at that point.

I would suggest you try asking your wife to make plans for herself, that don't include in any way shape or form, her kids. Obviously she feels content and in control being the helicopter parent but it is not only not good for her but its really bad for your kids! They get away to school and they don't know how to solve problems on their own, make decisions on the fly, seek solutions instead of blame. For your daughters sake, your wife really needs to step back!

Encourage your wife to explore her interests OUTSIDE of kids. Does she like to play sports, art, animals, helping people? What's strange about helicopter parents is they really aren't kid focused, they are control focused thinking if they keep control of their kids everything will turn out fine. So, encourage her to explore interested that Dont have anything to do with kids, unless that really is her passion. I got involved with a few child advocacy groups as a volunteer when my kids were elementary age, by the time they were in HS, I was working full time in the field... It definitely was my passion.

There is also the avenue of you exploring your relationship with your daughter. She is going to be leaving home soon so now is the time for her to get some good lessons from Dad about what boys are really like. Why don't you make some plans with your daughter, just the two of you? This would encourage your wife, I hope, to step back and let you take on some parenting duties. You could take your daughter to visit a college, just the two of you. You could take her to work one day for a few hours then out to lunch or dinner. if you step in with your daughter, maybe it will make it easier for your wife to step out?

Lastly, I hear how marginalized you must feel. Working off shore takes you away from home and when you are home what you find is that your excellent and overly capable wife hasn't exactly left a place for you to fill, not with the kids and not with her.

Here is where I think a lot of husbands could do better with being more assertive. Make plans to go on a week long get away with your wife. Make sure your kids have safe places to be, but let them know privately away from your wife, that you and their mother NEED their cooperation and support to have this time with each other. Tell them it's very important that they reassure Mom everything will be fine, no one will be driving, drugging, or whopping it up while you're gone. Your wife will no doubt put up all kinds of road blocks, mostly from the anxiety being away from the kids will cause. This is when you MUST be the man and calmly,gently but firmly tell her this IS happening.

I agree that your wife needs IC. I was lucky and saw my future when I saw another mother just fall to pieces when her oldest got to HS and didn't allow her to be much a part of her life. If I hadn't seen that, I would have walked right into the same tornado of frantically trying to keep control of every aspect of their lives because that was all I had in my life.

You need to help your wife get a life, outside of her kids and preferably with you. But she may need to just explore her own interests before she is ready to focus on the marriage. 

Good luck and GOOD FOR YOU for realizing what a problem this is going to be and seeking ways to make it better!


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

Getbusylivin said:


> She has had some health issues, female and what not,, she is depressed to a point but want admit it or treat it,, She thinks all her problems are my fault,, Our kids go to an upscale private school which is still small in size , and she is so obsessed with what the other parents think and talk about her kids and her in general,, meanwhile she doesn't give our relationship a second thought,, just spends the money as I give it to her,, and justifies it by saying I spend it on the kids.. She doesn't know how to say no to the girls and when I get home from work ( I work offshore and I am gone allot which doesn't help the situation at all ) I have to be the bad guy and say no just to get them under some since of control,,


Sounds like she is living vicariously through her kids...


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## Getbusylivin (Dec 23, 2012)

Thank you Anon Pink for your post,, It really is spot on to what we are experiencing ,, I know I need to be more patient and yet assertive in getting her to change and back away some.. I am going to print your post out and use it as a guideline to go by when I do talk to my wife and make plans to start improving our situation. I never really thought about asking her what her interests would be outside of raising our kids.. I will certainly do that and assist her in accomplishing some of these interests.. I do plan to plan some trips away from the kids just me and her,, my oldest is old enough to watch the young ones,, I really appreciate your guidance, it has educated me and made me think of things I wouldn't have on my own..


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