# What to do if we are in Separation? HELP!



## lteagles

Dear All

I'm in the midst of going thru' a separation with my wife of 91/2 years. She is in favor of a divorce actually but I'm trying to convince her to separate first to give us some time heal.

We attended individual counseling but she says the sessions made her feel worse and now we stopped going.

The problem is I've been involved in two flings at home with our nanny and was caught red handed both times. The first was by my wife and the second by my sister-in-law who then told my wife about it and this is where we're at the moment.

The nanny has since been sent back to her home country and my wife has requested for a separation/divorce. She says she can't stand the sight of me and wants out of our marriage. We have a 7 year old boy.

In all honesty, I have always and still do love my wife deeply. I think the reason the flings happened was due to our time spent away from each other due to work commitments more than anything else. We are compatible with each other and have never really had any major quarrels or disputes other than petty disagreements.

I do not want to dwell into why I did what I did as there's simply no excuse for it and I realize what a fool I've been. I know I am in the wrong and I now realize how wonderful a family I have and am trying my hardest to salvage it.

What do I do if my wife files for separation? In Singapore, I understand that there's a 3-4 year cooling off period before we can proceed with divorce. However in certain cases relating to fidelity, the Courts may allow an immediate divorce and I am really afraid of this happening to us.

My wife actually wants an immediate divorce and I am now trying to convince her to file for separation first. She is speaking with her lawyer today and will let me know. Actually I am trying to convince her to remain status quo for the time being to allow a cooling off period but she refused. She wants to take some form of action which is why I'm trying to convince her to file for separation first. Hopefully this will give me 3-4 years time to rebuild her trust in me.

If she does file for divorce, what can I do to stop it from happening? If she files for separation, what terms should be included in the separation? Do we still live together or do I move out?

I'm loss and confused and sleepless constantly thinking about these issues. Please HELP anyone!


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## draconis

I really don't know what help I could offer since your wife caught you once and forgave you and you did it again! Atleast you are honest about it.

I think a far as your question you are already doing the right things in asking for a seperation. It might buy you time that right now you just don't have.

To tell you the truth it seems slim unless your wife believes you can change. I don't know that anything less than a shake up will help.

Offer to live an open life, and even let a in-law live with you so you can't do that or anything else again.

Best of luck, to bad you risked so much good for a few moments of selfishness.

draconis


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## lteagles

appreciate your comments draconis, thanks for taking the time.


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## 827Aug

lteagles said:


> We attended individual counseling but she says the sessions made her feel worse and now we stopped going.


Please try a different counselor. Just because the first counselor didn't work out, it doesn't mean that all couselors are going to be the same. 

Wow! You are to be admired for your honesty! However, you need to figure out why you cheated on your wife not once, but twice. Appartently your wife forgave you once. Asking for forgiveness twice is going to be a tall order.


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## guiltygirl

I forgave my husband early on for cheating, but it was extremely difficult. I told him if it happened again, it would be over between us. To be honest, I'm not sure if I could forgive you if I were in your wife's shoes. 

Separation is a good idea, but I wouldn't count on her changing her mind. Not to be rude, but what were you thinking? This seems to be a pattern. You really need to do some serious self-reflection to figure out why you chose to do this. I don't think you can blame it on anything or anyone but yourself. 

If this relationship does end in divorce, you need to determine what you can do in the future to make choices that will maintain your relationship rather than tearing it apart. Please don't think I'm being judgmental. I have no right to be. I sort of cheated on my husband once, but I admitted it to him and we worked through it. I currently fantacize about cheating on him, but I haven't acted on these fantasies. So, the question is, what is it that's making you act on these fantasies rather than trying to work on things within the marriage?

I know I have been very frank with you, but I hope this helps.


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## lteagles

guiltygirl said:


> I forgave my husband early on for cheating, but it was extremely difficult. I told him if it happened again, it would be over between us. To be honest, I'm not sure if I could forgive you if I were in your wife's shoes.
> 
> Separation is a good idea, but I wouldn't count on her changing her mind. Not to be rude, but what were you thinking? This seems to be a pattern. You really need to do some serious self-reflection to figure out why you chose to do this. I don't think you can blame it on anything or anyone but yourself.
> 
> If this relationship does end in divorce, you need to determine what you can do in the future to make choices that will maintain your relationship rather than tearing it apart. Please don't think I'm being judgmental. I have no right to be. I sort of cheated on my husband once, but I admitted it to him and we worked through it. I currently fantacize about cheating on him, but I haven't acted on these fantasies. So, the question is, what is it that's making you act on these fantasies rather than trying to work on things within the marriage?
> 
> I know I have been very frank with you, but I hope this helps.


Hi GG,

Appreciate your frank comments. My wife is a workaholic and she sometimes spends too much time away from home, me and our 7 yr old son. I've brought this matter up many times in the past but she doesn't seem to understand my concerns.

She's a beautiful person and I've been blessed to have her as my wife. I think the problem started brewing because our nanny sort of became my confidante when I needed to talk to someone during my turbulent career days. So things just happened from thereon.

I'm not trying to deny that it's my fault and I truly feel remorseful about the whole situation which is why I'm so desperately trying to salvage my marriage. Deep down I feel it's too late and I'm already in the midst of looking for a place to stay. It's been the hardest lesson I've learnt in my life and the tears and sorrow I feel is indescribable. It's a terrible and painful feeling. I'm also feeling so guilty for putting my son in the middle of it. He's such an innocent little soul and I love him as much as my wife.

Thanks for taking the time and your advice.


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## justean

my hubby had a one night stand in april after 13 yrs together. BIG shock. regardless of the issues may have had , you have had flings.
i went through enough emotion on the one nighter. i simply wont accept it happening again. my hubby knows he wil go , if it happens again.
i think you just have to sit back and wait on this one. 
you can try and fight. but try and respect her space or her decision.
i do feel for you .


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## guiltygirl

I feel sort of guilty for posting the response the way I did. I guess I was just seeing things from your wife's perspective. It sounds like you are truly sorry and were looking for ways to meet the needs that your wife wasn't meeting. The thing is, it happened twice. It's not impossible to forgive, but it will be extremely difficult. I'm not sure what you could do to get her to trust you again. On the other hand, as with most problems in a marriage, two people are responsible for the state of the marriage. It sounds like your wife might have played a role in what led to your "mistakes". If only you guys had talked about this and tried to work on it. I guess that doesn't matter...what's happened has happened. You can only move forward from here. I agree with Justean...let her have her space. Do what you can to be respectful and kind to your wife and continue being a good father to your son. I pray that things work out for you.


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## Honey

lteagles said:


> Dear All
> 
> I'm in the midst of going thru' a separation with my wife of 91/2 years. She is in favor of a divorce actually but I'm trying to convince her to separate first to give us some time heal.
> 
> We attended individual counseling but she says the sessions made her feel worse and now we stopped going.
> 
> The problem is I've been involved in two flings at home with our nanny and was caught red handed both times. The first was by my wife and the second by my sister-in-law who then told my wife about it and this is where we're at the moment.
> 
> The nanny has since been sent back to her home country and my wife has requested for a separation/divorce. She says she can't stand the sight of me and wants out of our marriage. We have a 7 year old boy.
> 
> In all honesty, I have always and still do love my wife deeply. I think the reason the flings happened was due to our time spent away from each other due to work commitments more than anything else. We are compatible with each other and have never really had any major quarrels or disputes other than petty disagreements.
> 
> I do not want to dwell into why I did what I did as there's simply no excuse for it and I realize what a fool I've been. I know I am in the wrong and I now realize how wonderful a family I have and am trying my hardest to salvage it.
> 
> What do I do if my wife files for separation? In Singapore, I understand that there's a 3-4 year cooling off period before we can proceed with divorce. However in certain cases relating to fidelity, the Courts may allow an immediate divorce and I am really afraid of this happening to us.
> 
> My wife actually wants an immediate divorce and I am now trying to convince her to file for separation first. She is speaking with her lawyer today and will let me know. Actually I am trying to convince her to remain status quo for the time being to allow a cooling off period but she refused. She wants to take some form of action which is why I'm trying to convince her to file for separation first. Hopefully this will give me 3-4 years time to rebuild her trust in me.
> 
> If she does file for divorce, what can I do to stop it from happening? If she files for separation, what terms should be included in the separation? Do we still live together or do I move out?
> 
> I'm loss and confused and sleepless constantly thinking about these issues. Please HELP anyone!


In all honesty, I have always and still do love my wife deeply.

Then that should have been enough to stop you in your traces.
You not only cheated once, but twice or more on her. What did you think would happen? What do you think she should have said to you? You are such a catch and a gift from God that I'll share you with other women?  People will only take so much and then they are gone. Men think a woman can live with the fact that their husband has cheated on them, like it is no big deal. You know..like it is no big deal..everyone does it, but men would send them packing, if it happens to them. Some women may forgive you the first time, but not if you keep doing it. When the trust is broken, it is so very hard to trust again. Men need to think with their brain, and not let their best friend do the thinking for them. You didn't want your marriage to end, than you should have thought about this before hand. You play, you pay. What did the nanny have that your wife didn't?


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## lteagles

Dear All

Thanks for taking the time to comment and advice.

I've realise that it's too late for me to do anything now and that I have to let my wife find peace with herself. She's suffered more than me and I am truly remorseful, hurt and angry for doing what I did. It's my fault and there's simply no excuse.

What makes my heart ache even more is my 7 year old son. I will be the best Dad I can be for me. I will also be there for my wife and son no matter what happens. I owe them that much.

I just hope that my situation will be a lesson to all out there that life is worth more than a few moments of madness.

I've been blessed to have married my wife and I will always love her no matter what happens. I'm truly sorry Flo for hurting you and I'll strive to make it up to you as days go by. You will always have a place in my heart.


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## heartysoul

First of all, thank you for sharing your story. I'm sorry you're going through the pain but you're not alone. My husband recently did the same thing. I'm absolutely sickened and depressed by the situation and really don't know what to do. We have two amazing children and he said he was lonely because I work so much. The nanny was there for him when I apparently wasn't. I can't seem to get a grip on what switch turned on to make him think it was okay. How did you rationalize going against your wedding vows? I want to forgive my husband but I find it to be the hardest thing ever...especially since I not only trusted him but this woman to take care of my kids. I feel so betrayed and my confidence, which he says he's always loved, is destroyed! Plus, I've had plenty of times to do the same thing and have a selfish fling but never acted. I can't help but wonder if that'd make me feel better. I really want our perfect family back but don't know if I can ever trust again.


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