# Struggling Virgin-till-marriage guy having major sexual problems



## StLPizzaGuy (Jan 8, 2012)

Hi,
This is my first post after finding this site late after work. I have a lengthy story but i will be direct to the problem I am directly facing.both my wife and I waited until marriage to have sex. I did everything else but before however I trained myself to stop when I needed to. fast forward until after marriage. I was so nervous and anxious i couldn't do it on our wedding night. It took 48 hours for us to culminate our union. we were married 7 months ago and we have had sex 10 times. I have very high anxiety whenever the act of sex could occur. My wife has poor health (sick for long perioids of time) very low sex drive (told me she compared it to doing laundry). we do not communicate about sex much at all. 
It has been 3 1/2 - 4 months since we had sex. She makes no sexual advances and I have 0 confidence due to anxiety and having a hard time keeping at attention. 
I understand there are a lot of complexities and different variables missing from this story but im throwing this out there to see if anyone has any advice or personal stories about any similar struggles. I love my wife, I want to have a healthy sex life with her, but im feeling very discouraged, frustrated, and desperate for help.

Thanks in advance and this forum looked great from my casual stalking of it. 

StLPizzaGuy


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

You dont mention what you have anxiety about. I guess that you wont ejaculate or even not have an erection. Since you have trained yourself before marriage to 'stop' this is quite normal. Its difficult to suddenly change. Was your wife also a virgin. You really have to 'let go'. Your wife should be able to help you. It doesnt sound in your circumstances she is doing that. If anything she is making it harder for you. Do you both work and what is she so 'sick' about. Did this start only after the marriage. There must be other things also wrong with the marriage and you may need a counselor. Dont leave it too long but get help as soon as possible.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How much time do you spend with foreplay at the start of sex? 

Have you considered going for some kind of sex therapy? 

Google "sex therapy anxiety". Do some reading. 

I read one time about a technique used.... for a two week period the couple does this....

They agree to no intercourse and no orgasms. This takes away the pressure to perform. On the first night the husband will spent an hour kissing, massaging, and exploring his wife’s body to give her pleasure ( but no organism). On the second night the roles are reversed so she will spend an hour doing those things to her husband. The couple does this every night for 2 weeks, taking turns every other night. Then on the last day they can start out this same way but now they can have sex and orgasms. The idea is that by the end of two weeks of driving each other nuts neither of you will have performance anxiety.. .you will be too horny to worry out it.

If you do this, do some internet searching (or book reading) on things that will turn your wife on. She should probably do the same thing to find out what would please you. Do soothing music, candles and other romantic things to make the nightly tease very romantic and special. Have fun with it.


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

Agree that you need professional help. Her health may be the reason that she has zero interest in sex. Perhaps she's on medication that contributes to this? I think the problem is more with her at this stage. Sex is not just about intercourse. You have a problem with having intercourse but before you can even get to this point, you need to be sexual and you can't properly be sexual with someone who has absolutely no interest in it.


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## StLPizzaGuy (Jan 8, 2012)

Thanks for the replies everyone. There is a lot of further complexity than I had indicated in the first post. 
@Accept - The anxiety is getting and maintaining an erection. In the past touch her and foreplay has worked but since we were able to have sex both have lost their luster in general...
We both work. I work 65 hr work week and she works 40. I have odd and unusual hours working the food industry. We tend to catch each other in passing most of the time. She works 40+ hours as a counselor. I tend to be a night owl and she is more of a morning person. 
As for her sickness', they have been : root canal, 5-week bronchitis, stomach-problems (high stomach acid + continually vomiting after meals). She takes a multitude of medicines including both anti-depressants and birth control. It seems to be one thing followed by another...

@EleGirl... I took your advice and google searched some options. They present good information.

@ Couple... I also believe we need professional help. I have been trying to set up a counseling session with a sex therapist in the area but they are very few and far between in their narrow field. They seem to be impossible to get a hold of and I am currently still waiting to hear back from 3 of them.

The strength of our relationship is our emotional or mental communication. Im a Comm. Major and she is a counselor. We both know how to express ourselves verbally regarding things said, what upsets or pleases us; however we do not communicate sexually. She is very self conscious, low self esteem, and has no sexual background besides our fooling around. I am not as self conscious but with current affairs I have very low confidence. 

How have other couples worked out their issues sexually? Even if its stories from early on in your sexual experiences? I missed the crazy times and early sexual lessons from high school/college so any advice anyone can give would be helpful? Thanks again everyone


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Her illnesses dont sound too drastic. If she is a counsellor I am not sure in what, then she must have some self esteem to advise others. One day you will laugh over it. I can only repeat what I have written please read my post again. Try to it without anxiety. Perhaps drink before you do it. Dont be too sober. 
*since we were able to have sex*
What do you mean. Since your marriage.
Dont think that you missed out, and therefore cant 'do' it. Many people dont indulge in advance and usually manage 'better' than those who do. 
It may be best not to discuss this issue with her so much. That only causes anxiety. Just get down to doing it. If you pm me I would write more to you.


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## SoWhat (Jan 7, 2012)

I understand the anxiety about the erection. It's a terrible, self-perpetuating thing. You've got to relax and remind yourself that there's way more to sex than having an erection. 

The long hours probably help to kill erections though. I know that when I've got too much work on my plate that - even though my sex drive is quite high - my erections are weaker and less frequent.


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## alphapuppy (Jan 17, 2012)

It is easy to have anxiety about sex when there are so many factors going on. I once encountered something similar in a relationship when I was younger and had just become sexually active. When my partner and I decided to stop having sex for awhile to concentrate on sensuality instead, it got a lot better. Maybe instead of thinking about sexual interaction, you could think about sensual interaction instead. Get to know each others' bodies more and take the pressure off. 

I agree both with the posters who said to get professional advice and with the posters who said talk less and do more. But mostly I think that you can't expect to become an 'expert' at anything in just ten experiences, including sex. Give it the time it needs and please, please remember that you are not "performing" for each other, you are SHARING an experience with each other, and sometimes that experience doesn't have to be intercourse, rather, you can just get to know each other sexually and that's okay too. 

I have experienced similar problems in my own relationship as my spouse had not had intercourse prior to marriage, and with time, persuading him to be comfortable with sensuality and with himself and to overcome emotional trauma from his past (which influences his ability to experience his own emotions and to be open about relationships with others) has helped WAY more than anything else. 

It might be a long road, but as long as you're walking together, that's the most important thing. Good luck.


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## alphapuppy (Jan 17, 2012)

Oh, and another suggestion. Try switching to the Paleo diet. It has a lot of benefits. You could ask your doctors if you are not sure about it. But both my spouse and I have lost weight, have more energy, and no longer experience many of our chronic health conditions since switching to it. It has also helped both of our libidos.


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## Aule (Aug 20, 2012)

You'll want to look up Sensate Focus. It's sexual technology sufficiently high enough to be indistinguishable from magic. Extremely effective when done correctly.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Zombie thread alert...

C


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

There is another thread on hear about sex etc before marriage. 
Whilst I fully accept and respect that people have morals and beliefs that differ to my own, I feel this is a prime example of how 'no sex before marriage' can have unfortunate consequences.

Had the the OP and his wife had sex before they were married and realised that they weren't sexually compatible then they could have moved on and maybe found partners whe were more suitable.

I really hope these two slot into a place where they are both comfortable with each other. 
I admire their strength for not having sex before marriage.... I just feel that had they had sex before marriage they would not be in the pickle they are in now.


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