# Wife wants to come home



## for better or for worse (Jul 4, 2011)

but she says it's not for the relationship.....

here's our story, we have been separated for roughly a month, and she's been living at her sisters for about 3 weeks now.

she left because she feels that we are not emotionally connected, she doesn't think i listen to her. I admit that i have been neglecting the relationship for too long, we have been dating/engaged for 8 years, and got married just last August. I love her so much, i truly feel that she is my soul mate, and i thought she felt the same.....

Now i see that she didn't... she left, says she had an emotional affair with a guy she works with, but claims to have ended that. Now she is traveling and doing all the fun stuff i wanted to do with her. Part of the issue I feel is that she goes to school during the days, and works till 9 or 10 at night during the week, and i work all days. By the time she gets home, i am ready for bed, and she isn't. So needless to say we didn't have alot of time to work on the relationship.

I feel that instead of trying to work on us, she just up and left, she says she tried to get me to change for years, but her idea of that is yelling at me every 6 months, then 30 minutes later saying she is over it(so nothing gets resolved). I now see my flaws and feel that i am making good progress to resolve those, but she refuses to see anything i do or try to show her this.

Now just earlier this week, she calls and says she wants to move back home because this is her home too, and she wants to stay here too, even though we are separated. She wants to sleep in different rooms still, and I want to set up ground rules, but what do I make of this???

How do i treat her? I am still angry, but I'm not sure if i should be cold with her? I would like to try to reconcile, but I'm not sure how to go about that? She has to be ready, i know that, but I am just so lost...

thanks for reading, any words of advice would be awesome


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## Seanpgrnc (Jun 26, 2011)

Personally, I would say hell no to that. She chose to turn her back on the relationship so she should have thought about all that it would involve. How are you supposed to begin the healing process if she is constantly around and reminding you of what you thought was going to be your forever? 

I recently separated from my wife, her decision. I am slowly getting to a place where I am accepting and even somewhat in agreement to the whole thing. This has come from a lot of reading, talking and therapy. Also the fact that I don't have to see her face every time I turn around has helped immensely.

Just my 2 cents but, if it were me, I wouldn't let it happen. She made her decision and now should live with all that decision brings, good and bad.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

No dice. 

She wants to come back because it's "convenient." Serve her with divorce papers and file "abandonment." 

It's sick she wants to do that.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

I could never support an in house separation. Either you are in or you're out. No middle ground.

I'm with JB. No dice.


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## Kauaiguy (May 8, 2011)

Personally I would have a talk with her and let her know that if she were to move back in, it's to work on the relationship. However, before that can happen, you should have a long talk on how you're going to go about fixing the relationship.

It takes TWO people to get this done, so you need to express how you are going make improvements on yourself as well as she needs to express what changes she needs to make to make the relationship work.

Without this agreement, it's NOT going to work and if she were to move in while you both try to live separate lives will be very stressful. Been there, done that and it ended up in a divorce.


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

Do not let her back in unless she wants to work on the marriage. I am in an in-house divorce and it is hell. Let me tell you. 

If I could afford it all you would see is the dust on the road as I sped away. There is no closure this way until the physical separation has happened. You can do all the therapy, IC, sharing; it still comes down to facing this person day after day. Yuck, torture.


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## for better or for worse (Jul 4, 2011)

Thanks everyone, i appreciate the thoughts.

This is what my friends are saying as well, its tough though. 

Like everyone else says, it is nice to have the support here to bounce off everyone who is in a rational state of mind!

This is killer, just when i start to have a good day......


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## KRinOnt (Oct 19, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> I could never support an in house separation. Either you are in or you're out. No middle ground.
> 
> I'm with JB. No dice.


As tempting as it is to take her back under those circumstances, it will never work. You will be opening yourself up to more pain. If she wants to come back to work on the relationship that's an entirely different thing. I have seen both of my wife's sisters have in-house separations that lasted for years. To me the whole idea is ridiculous. My wife wanted to stay in our home while she prepared her new place with her new bf. It could have taken months. I said no. I'm not watching you leave me again every day for months ( and that's exactly what it would have amounted to).


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## for better or for worse (Jul 4, 2011)

thanks everyone, i just let her know that she should only come back if she wants to work on the relationship. I'll let her respond....


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## weR2 (Jul 9, 2011)

Hmmm? The only way she can move back into what I assume is half her house is that if she does as YOU want? So, it is both of your house, but, the relationship is yours? It seems to me that she is working on the relationship, the first step being the fact that she is willing to be nearer to you so that she can actually reevaluate the situation. To know for sure if she can live with you. Does not seem to be question of love, but rather, more of a question as to whether the two of you can live together. I love my ex dearly, but could never live with her!

It seems that you were on the fence on this, but now others have convinced you to be forceful, and while they may be giving the correct advise for this particular situation, it seems to me that you have a different gut feeling about it. I say that you should use your gut feeling, because in the end, you know ALL of the details, some of which you did not give us. Maybe she moved out because of your unwillingness to listen or understand her? Ask yourself if it could have been because of YOU that she moved out?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

What did she say?


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## Amergin (Mar 31, 2011)

My wife came to me and told me she wasn't happy anymore. For the sake of the kids, we tried an in-home separation for three months. It was hell. I was suspicious of everything. I was constantly looking for hope in something she would say or do. Then, as quickly, I would dive into depression based on something she wouldn't say or do. I wanted to constantly talk about our relationship, which wasn't healthy and just served to push her further away. Even when I wasn't trying to, she would say something to me, I would get emotional, and, of course, we would have the same circular talk that would get her to the point of saying she wanted a divorce. She would have been perfectly comfortable with us living in the same house, but not sharing a bed and not talking about us, just the kids and finances. I couldn't do it anymore. We finally agreed for me to move into my own apartment. I hope it will help. It's only been a week now, and so far I'm still not feeling that there is any hope for us. I think she's given up on the marriage.

So, the upshot of my response, is if she's willing to work on the marriage and is actively committed to working on it (Marriage counseling, regular communication between the two of you), I think an in-home thing could work. If she's not, I wouldn't recommend it.


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## for better or for worse (Jul 4, 2011)

weR2: 

Yes, we share the house, we don't have any kids. I am certainly not expecting that the relationship is only 'mine', that is likely a large part of the reason of why we are in this situation. Did she leave because of me? Probably, but if she truly loved me, wouldn't she try everything to make it work? I do want her to move back in, more than anything in the world, but I also want to heal, and change myself. If her presence is going to impede that because she doesn't want to work on the relationship, then is that really best for both of us?

that_girl, 

I sent her a message that i think its best that she only come back if she wants to work on the relationship. She replied that she's sorry, but she can't stay at her sisters anymore, and right now she has nowhere else to go. She says she needs her own space back. 

I don't know if it was the right choice yet, but I said that's okay, we'll set up some ground rules, and we'll try to make it work. I really don't want to leave the house, because if worst case scenario, we do split, I really don't want to lose the house. She is the one who left..... 

I guess i am still dealing with that anger, and I am still trying to figure out how to get past the fact that she just gave up. (and that i may have driven her to that?) 

She is supposed to come back tonight, so I'll let you know how it goes, I am sure I'll need the support....


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Your avatar is from my hometown. Cone Monster is a celebrity here.


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## for better or for worse (Jul 4, 2011)

Really? cool! 

I'm in Southern Ontario, and we've seen interpretations of him here, how did the guy that made it make out, didn't he get charged?

Sorry, off topic...


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Yes he was arrested. The construction company which owned the cones pressured the city to leave it be. Cone Monster is now on the roof of a building on Hillsborough St, across the street from NC State where the creator of Cone Monster attends or attended class.


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## cisco7931 (May 2, 2011)

She is obviously confused. Her wanting to go back but sleep in separate rooms means that there is a glimmer of hope that this might work out (definitely something I don't have currently)

She mentioned what she needed in you to change, now that you are in the same house, you are in a perfect situation to prove to her that you have. 

You mentioned you are still angry... Why are you? Because she left you? Please understand that she has reasons, people will say "heck she could have just tried a little harder", remember, we dont know your wife, nor we know everything about your marriage, while we may not be able to change the way she handled your situation (i.e. leaving you), you should be able to change YOUR way of handling it. 

Let go of the anger, let go of your ill feelings towards her. Divorce isn't always the answer if someone bails out of the marriage, whether its 3 weeks (super short in your case to all of a sudden decide to divorce) or 3 decades. If it was, then there should't be marriage in the first place, or all of marriages should have an expiration date stamped on it. 



> Yes, we share the house, we don't have any kids. I am certainly not expecting that the relationship is only 'mine', that is likely a large part of the reason of why we are in this situation. Did she leave because of me? Probably, but if she truly loved me, wouldn't she try everything to make it work? I do want her to move back in, more than anything in the world, but I also want to heal, and change myself. If her presence is going to impede that because she doesn't want to work on the relationship, then is that really best for both of us?


In my opinion, you are trying to find faults here. I understand that you are not ready to make this work, nor is she. But when will YOU want to make this work, when its a tad bit too late?

Think about this: (regardless of how SHE thinks about it) Do Y-O-U want to make this work? Think deeply about that.. Let go of HER side to this, look within you and find the answer, then you will know what steps would be next (counseling, reconciliation, or divorce)



> So needless to say we didn't have alot of time to work on the relationship.


There is a W-E part to this, lets rephrase it... Are Y-O-U willing to find time to work on this? 


On another note, have you watched Fireproof? Go ahead and buy or rent it, that might help in gaining that other perspective in your marriage.

I wish you and your wife well.


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## for better or for worse (Jul 4, 2011)

Thanks Cisco, many good points you have.

You are right, i need to evaluate how to make this work, because I really do want it to work. I really appreciate the new perspective. I'm talking to my good friends about this too, but they are obviously biased in their opinions.

I am working on letting go of the hurt, because as you said, she has her reasons too. I am just trying to figure out how i can do that without going back to being the 'doormat'. Isn't that always the challenge?


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## cisco7931 (May 2, 2011)

> I'm talking to my good friends about this too, but they are obviously biased in their opinions.


I spoke to a friend of a friend last night (he does not know me personally, which is good) and it just so happened that he was in the same boat as I was (me giving 100% to my wife and kid and not leaving any for myself) and one thing he said struck me - Stop talking to your friends about it, because, to your point, they WILL be biased, Instead talk to a pastor, or a therapist. They are in the position to give you an OBJECTIVE point of view on how to handle things. 

What I did in my case was: Talk to my closest friends, friends who knew me and my wife, both our families, a marriage counselor, and a pastor. From there, I absorbed all of their insights and decided on my own. If I had to do my 64-day separation stint all over again, I wouldn't have done it any other way. It worked for me in my soul-searching and found a lot of problems I didn't know I have. I needed to fix ME, before I can fix my marriage. This worked for me, not sure if it will for you, and its up to you anyway. My soul-searching has been HELL-ISHLY painful and difficult, for the lack of a better word to use... But I know once I am done, it will be worth it... _ (Feel free to check my running thread here in the Reconciliation Stories folder - My Journey Towards Marriage Reconciliation)... _

Funny you mentioned being a doormat. My counselor said that to me, because I have been like one myself. Fact of the matter is, is there anything you would not do to make this work? Being a doormat is a frame of mind if you ask me. If you think you are one, then you will be one.. But of course there are limitations to that. I'm not sure if your wife is abusive or not, but from what you have said so far, the only issue was: she left - she came back - but wants to distant herself from you. Definitely not a doormat if you ask me... 

Why would she not distant herself - she is feeling hurt. Let her be, let her feel the pain, and in the coming days, show her you have changed, show her you are a better husband, but do NOT rush her, do NOT expect that she will accept all of your changes. Just do it until it flows naturally. But do NOT do it until YOU are ready, otherwise, this will all come crashing down... 

Fireproof Movie my friend Welcome To FireproofTheMovie.com - DVD IN STORES NOW! This will help you a lot... ;-)

I wish I had your situation, but my wife does not want me under the same roof... You have a chance to make this work. It is only over when BOTH of you says its over...


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## for better or for worse (Jul 4, 2011)

Thanks very much Cisco, 

I am indeed doing my soul searching, and I am learning something new about me every day, even looking back at things I've done/said in the last few days, and seeing the errors in them.

I'll look into that movie for sure.

She is not home yet, but I'll keep you up to date as we go along. Hopefully she comes home tonight.


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## cisco7931 (May 2, 2011)

^ I wish you well... Soul-searching doesn't happen overnight, there will definitely be loads of emotions flowing that might fog what you are realizing... The trick is to determine which is really you vs what is you at that moment...

Pray and ask for God's help, you need Him more now...


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## weR2 (Jul 9, 2011)

Glad to hear that she is moving back in! Now we are all rooting for you to understand her, understand her wants and needs.

Good luck


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

cisco7931 said:


> She is obviously confused.


No, she's not. She told him straight up why she wants to come back. She told him she's not interested in getting back together. She wants to come back because it benefits her and her lifestyle right now isn't comfortable. 



for better or for worse said:


> I don't know if it was the right choice yet, but I said that's okay, we'll set up some ground rules, and we'll try to make it work. I really don't want to leave the house, because if worst case scenario, we do split, I really don't want to lose the house.


Why on earth would YOU leave the house? She is the one who doesn't want the marriage.

I think it was a bad move telling her it's ok for her to come back even if she has zero interest in the marriage. It makes you sound like a total a doormat, IMO.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

^^^^ I agree wholeheartedly. I personally wouldn't allow her back under those conditions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

forbetter, use your gut instincts. If you sense that she is done with the marriage, sense apathy on her part, or she is just plain GONE! then the in house separation might be a living hell for you.

On the other hand; if she is still showing anger at you, she appears to be vindictive or just plain rude to you, you might still have a chance. I know that sounds odd and counterproductive to what seems to be but if she was truly done with you, she would be just fine and happy where she is. Apathy or friendliness at this early stage can possibly mean she has been over you for quite a while. Anger means that she still harbors some feelings for what happened to your relationship and that might be a sign that she really cares/cared.

Anyway, my story is that we didn't have a choice because of finances to move apart so we did the hellish in house separation and it was hell. Be prepared to put on your armour and to change some of the things you are accustomed to in your home. You will see her everyday and it will test you.

On the other hand, in my situation, if it weren't for the in house sepraration and us seeing each other all the time I don't think she would be asking now for us to try to reconcile. Being physically apart would have more than likely severed everything we had with each other.

Now, this didn't come without a price. We had some knock down drag out fights, arguments, insulting remarks to make to each other (nothing physical) while we were in house. So, like I said, be prepared. In a way, the arguments we had may have been what we needed to clear our conscience and allow us to discuss openly our feelings of resentment, despair, mistrust, lack of affection for each other. So these things work in mysterious ways.

Knowing all of that, I guess I would say it's up in the air 50/50 on what you make of it. You might now have the upper hand in knowing all of this. I hope she at least has expected this as well or she will be in for a long in house stay. Don't rush anything though, all of this took time for me - about 3 months; could take longer or less time for others just don't rush it. You are on a journey into the unknown so there is no predetermined arrival time; use this journey to re-define yourself, to become a better person while you are working on your relationship. Hang in there and go with your instincts; if there is some love left from both of you, this can still work out.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

brighterlight said:


> I know that sounds odd and counterproductive to what seems to be but if she was truly done with you, she would be just fine and happy where she is.


She told him she wants to come back because she can stay at her sister's anymore and "has nowhere to go" & she has no intention of reconciling. 

Oh and if the affair is still happening, even worse.


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## cisco7931 (May 2, 2011)

We're not quite sure yet... Yes, she went out and came back shortly. How many times have we seen wives saying "No, no chance in Hell I will patch things up" but end up crying themselves to sleep, just waiting for something, anything to save them because their pride is eating them alive?

Its only been 3 weeks since they separated, too soon to file for divorce, to kick her out permanently, to question her motives and think that she is just using him to get a roof over her head...Too soon for any drastic move really other than to sit back, hold back and rethink...



> No, she's not. She told him straight up why she wants to come back. She told him she's not interested in getting back together. She wants to come back because it benefits her and her lifestyle right now isn't comfortable.


She has her own reasons, of which is unknown to us other than what is coming out of the surface (her saying, NO, I don't want it, No, I cant live at my sisters etc) since we have not heard the other side of the story, we cant get a black or white picture on this... There might be more to it than that IMO...




Its still up to you.. we're all hear to share two sides of the coin and for you to find what you need to do...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

cisco7931 said:


> She has her own reasons, of which is unknown to us other than what is coming out of the surface


We can only go by what is being posted and told to us by the OP. Per his story, she told him she wants back in cause she has nowhere else to go.

That to me does not scream "I want to be back with my husband." It says the opposite. It sounds like she is using him. 

If the affair is going on... bad news, baby


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Jellybeans said:


> We can only go by what is being posted and told to us by the OP. Per his story, she told him she wants back in cause she has nowhere else to go.
> 
> That to me does not scream "I want to be back with my husband." It says the opposite. It sounds like she is using him.
> 
> If the affair is going on... bad news, baby


Yip, if the affair is still on then it's bubbye for sure. But, if you can believe her, I thought he said in his first post the she said the EA was over. If that is true then I think he may need to see where she really is. My wife was telling me all kinds of crap, insulting me to no end. True that she wasn't having an affair but then again, it may be worth giving it a little time to see where she goes. She has to know that being in the same house with him will be painful. Why would she put herself through that? Ahh, I don't know JB, maybe you are right too, maybe she really does not have a choice but to move back in, but I still believe he will just have to use his gut instincts on this one.

Believe me, I am not the kind of guy that would roll over and be a doormat. I would just ask for clarity from her and I would let her know that I would take her answers seriously to heart. If she says it's over, and she wants to play around with someone else, well, I'd do what I did - work on yourself, try to become a better person, move on and look to start going out yourself whether it be on your own or with someone else. If she sees that, she will either A. think, good for him, I am happy for him; now I can be on my own without regret. B. think, oh sh**t what have I done! C. think, hmmm, I gave him less credit than he deserved and I am really starting to feel regretful; I wonder if he is willing to forgive me. or D. Now I am really pissed at him for throwing this back in my face by seeing someone else (I doubt this would be it because she has no moral right to think this as this would make her an A-1 hypocrite.)

Don't know what other options she would have. So in the end, it still comes down to giving it a little more time. There may still be some small ray of hope and as long as that is there, I wouldn't give up.

The affair thing has to stop soon though if she is not telling the truth.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

brighterlight said:


> . She has to know that being in the same house with him will be painful. Why would she put herself through that?


If she is emotionally gone already, then it won't be painful for her. It will be convenient until she lines her ducks up in a row. For him, it will be awful (if she has no intention of reconciling and he is holding onto hope). Since he is still clearly in love with her. 

Now, if she is willing to reconcile and tells him and shows him through actions and is committed to the marriage and sorry, genuinely sorry and has ended the affair, then awesome.


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## Spursmad78 (Mar 17, 2011)

Your wife has told you she wants to move back in because she has nowhere to stay. The fact of the matter is after 3 weeks her own sister cannot put up with her anymore.

IS THIS NOT TELLING YOU SOMETHING??

For Christs sake the only reason she is moving back in is to force you out of the house. Under no circumstances should you allow her back in. You will be the one ending up on the street. Man up and tell her to fcuk off. Look after your house my friend or you will end up sorry.


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## Kauaiguy (May 8, 2011)

Hope Springs Eternal! Cisco seems to think that her wanting to be back home is a sign that she's allowing you a second chance. I admire his positive outlook on her motive, but I seriously doubt that it's her intention.

More like she's having difficulties living with her sister, and let's face it ... it common knowledge that two families living in the same household more often than not doesn't work and it creates a lot of tension after a while.

So where else can she go? Maybe she's unable to afford her own place and of course the most convenient is to go back home, even if it requires living in a separate room. After all, she is right in that it's still her home.

Jellybeans is right in that it could very well be a painful experience for you. Just ask anyone who has lived separate lives in the same household. It's HELL ... I know, been there, done that!

What's worse is if she starts going out, getting all dressed up and you're in the dark as to where she's going. Comes home very late at night while you sit there wide awake thinking about where she's been and who she's been with.

... and of course you won't be able to keep your thoughts to yourself and you'll want to inquire (for lack of a better word) about her activities. Everyone who's been in this situation knows that in most cases, it turns into an UGLY argument and things DO get worse.

Trust me in that you may find the true meaning of : "EATING YOUR HEAR OUT! 

At that point it would be better if she were living elsewhere where you won't know when she's coming or going. 

Her wanting to work on the marriage? Remember that she's already told you that she's tried for years to get you to change which apparently have gone on deaf ears. Most likely though, you didn't take her seriously and her leaving was the end result of it.

Right now, she wants her space and if she had her Rather's it would be living by herself somewhere else.


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## cisco7931 (May 2, 2011)

> Don't know what other options she would have. So in the end, it still comes down to giving it a little more time. There may still be some small ray of hope and as long as that is there, I wouldn't give up.


Very well said IMO...

Hmmm... I wonder what happened to our TS, I believe she was supposed to move back in and he'll talk to her... Hope we'll see how this goes...


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## for better or for worse (Jul 4, 2011)

Thanks everyone, 

long story short, she didn't come home last night, she's at another friends. 

I believe the EA is over, but it is hard to trust. Have been talking to her this morning, and she keeps saying she misses her own space. Her anger comes and goes, some days its bad, others it looks like she is trying to put on a face and be friendly.

I agree that if she is moving on, and means it, it will be hell for me. But for some reason if i listen to my 'gut', it is telling me she still has something in her for us. I just get the impression she is fighting herself when she says she is done. Maybe I'm just a fool.

I will not be a doormat, I have made my position clear to her, financially, she can't live in the house alone, but I can. I have my own bank account now, and this friday is payday. I will give her time to sort herself out, (alot of family issues), but I am not waiting to continue my life. I am limiting my contact to strictly business, and letting her initiate further conversations.

Thanks for everyone's perspective, looks like I'll be vested in for a while, so I'll keep everyone up to date, I'm sure I'll need advice sooner than later.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

for better or for worse said:


> Thanks everyone,
> 
> long story short, she didn't come home last night, she's at another friends.
> 
> ...


Ok guys. This is what I meant about gut instinct. It happened to me - and I was well on my way to the "bachelor pad" 

So, what I said in my first post was about her demeanor lately. Her actions. If you really think about it, why would she be upset or angry if she was REALLY done with the marriage. Because, she feels resentment for making her do something she did not want to do (in her mind this is her thinking). To me, I would know it's over once they go all happy on you. That means that they have moved on to bigger, better, happier things.

So forbetter, with that said - you are dead on - do not become a doormat. Stand up for yourself, say what you need to say and do what you say you will do. Maybe all she wanted all along was a man with the ability to take control and make decisions. Who knows. If you already know what it is she has been telling you she doesn't like about you, work your hardest to change it, chances are your next relationship SO, if not your W, would feel the same way so you need to look into yourself and do what you think is right. Don't change yourself for the better for her, do it for yourself.

Best of luck man, I hope you can both be genuine with each other. If she is definitely out, then let her out.

Also, I do agree with Kauaiguy that in house seperation is a living HELL. I am still in that same scenario. Yes, you will be emotionally tested when she dresses up to go out, when she comes home late - or doesn't come home at all, etc. BUT GUESS WHAT!!!! You can do the same - and if she has any feelings left for you, you will DEFINITELY see them right away.


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## for better or for worse (Jul 4, 2011)

brighterlight, 

I have come to that realization now, it is one of those light bulbs that goes off, I am making these changes for ME! 

The tough part is she is not letting me show her the changes yet, it is still early i guess, so I am going to give it time. 

I saw her this afternoon for a few hours, and it started with her being friendly, and ended with her voicing concerns about what she feels went wrong. I think i did well, I stood up for myself, and she responded like she wasn't done yet, so although I am not sure if she will be here tonight or not, I feel good about myself.


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## Kauaiguy (May 8, 2011)

for better or for worse said:


> brighterlight,
> 
> I have come to that realization now, it is one of those light bulbs that goes off, I am making these changes for ME!
> 
> ...


It took years to destroy your marriage, a few days or even weeks of making changes is NOT going to suddenly wake her up and think that you're a better person and will remain that way.

Providing that there hasn't (as the saying goes) been too much water under the bridge, she may at some point see that your changes are permanent and not just surface coating, and may one day want to reconcile.

But I would continue with the changes if not to get your wife back, but to make you a better person for your next relationship.

If she does come back home, be cordial, polite, friendly and attentive, but not to the point of pestering! You don't want her to get even more irritated by you, so just let her have her space and leave her be.

After building the relationship, one just doesn't turn off that easily so yes, there is still a lot of feelings for you and what you have to do now is tread lightly. Treat her with respect and kindness and hope for the best. It's your only chance.


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## weR2 (Jul 9, 2011)

Kauaiguy said:


> It took years to destroy your marriage, a few days or even weeks of making changes is NOT going to suddenly wake her up and think that you're a better person and will remain that way.
> 
> Providing that there hasn't (as the saying goes) been too much water under the bridge, she may at some point see that your changes are permanent and not just surface coating, and may one day want to reconcile.
> 
> ...


Great advise!


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## for better or for worse (Jul 4, 2011)

Kauaiguy, 

I agree, about 4 years i figure to be exact. I feel different now though, I find myself feeling better and better about myself as time goes on. I am going to continue to work on myself, i am going to IC to figure out why I let myself get steamrolled, so I can make sure it will not happen again.

I am sure there will be stumbles along the way, but i see a new direction, and am looking forward to what it holds. I have done a TON of reading on here, and all the information has been very helpful. 

Tell me if this is a good sign:

today she messaged me, 

Her: Hey, do you want to have a sushi lunch today? (she knows i like sushi)

Me: In mtg's for most of the day....

Her: some other time then maybe

Me: I'd like that

More than I've gotten from her in 6 weeks. I am hoping it is a positive sign? I am trying to follow all the advice on here to pull a 180, and start being "the man"! But boy, is this ever tough.


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## Kauaiguy (May 8, 2011)

for better or for worse said:


> Kauaiguy,
> 
> I agree, about 4 years i figure to be exact. I feel different now though, I find myself feeling better and better about myself as time goes on. I am going to continue to work on myself, i am going to IC to figure out why I let myself get steamrolled, so I can make sure it will not happen again.
> 
> ...


I am not a full supporter of the 180 as detailed here in these threads. Simply because, if you REALLY want to salvage your marriage, completely ignoring your spouse and playing hardball is NOT the way to do it.

At that point, they may just say ... well he/she have apparently have gone on their way and are no longer interested in working on a solution. Obviously I'm just wasting my time and it's now time to close this chapter. 

I don't think that this is the response you want.

I'm glad that you've agreed to have Sushi with her but made her wait a bit (because it's showing her that you won't just drop everything you were doing, like a dog waiting for their master to call). BUT I don't agree with your MAYBE bit!

It's showing her that you can be a hard ass, and I'll bet that she can be just as well!

What if she were to say " OK then FORGET IT " ... then what?

What you want is to make her think that you're perfectly capable of going on your way if you have to, but would prefer that you got together and try to work on improving the relationship.

To me, the MAYBE response was childish, shows anger and wasn't needed!

Responses like these can and most often BACKFIRE on you, so be very careful of what you say to her.


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## for better or for worse (Jul 4, 2011)

Sorry Kauaiguy, not sure i follow your last point, 

<<<To me, the MAYBE response was childish, shows anger and wasn't needed!

Responses like these can and most often BACKFIRE on you, so be very careful of what you say to her.>>>

the maybe response was from her....


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## Kauaiguy (May 8, 2011)

for better or for worse said:


> Sorry Kauaiguy, not sure i follow your last point,
> 
> <<<To me, the MAYBE response was childish, shows anger and wasn't needed!
> 
> ...



Sorry, my mistake. Didn't read your post close enough.

OK then, follow up on her some other time and don't make her wait too long.

... and yes, it is a positive sign.


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## for better or for worse (Jul 4, 2011)

So how do i get her to see that I'm changing, do I just have to wait for her to want that?


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

for better or for worse said:


> So how do i get her to see that I'm changing, do I just have to wait for her to want that?


To answer your question, YOU can't get her to see your changes. SHE has to see them herself. What I would advise you to do is not make changes simply for the purpose of trying to get back your wife. Make them because you know they need to made regardless of the outcome of your marriage. 

Changes that make you a better man will benefit you whether or not your marriage survives or not. Don't change for her, change for you!


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## for better or for worse (Jul 4, 2011)

I get it, I am still thinking like i can change this if I try hard enough.

It is tough, I want nothing more than to fix this. But I am working on me, and I will fix me for me, no matter what happens.

thanks


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## eagleclaw (Sep 20, 2010)

for better or for worse:

About her leaving then wanting to come back.

When she left, the best you could hope for is that she found the world a difficult place and became homesick. The more uncomfortable and difficult she found it the better, because she will be comparing it to the life she had with you.

What she did is tried to find a way to half way come back. As in move back, but sleep in different rooms. Basically let you subsidize her out of convienance without her offering anything back to you.
You can't give in to this. Your only play here if for her to become homesick and WANT to come back and work on things with you, if you give her a third option........ how does that benefit you or your relationship. Don't do it. Your giving her your hand of cards and your wallet at the same time. You can't possibly win. And if that's not a doormat what the heck is??????? You won't gain any respect that way.

You can't chase her at this point, and you can't give her a third option. I would recommend you tell her your moving on and considering dating. If she wants to work on the relationship your interested in talking about it but your not sitting around and waiting on her indefinitely. Give her some real consquences for her actions and project a calm and willingness to work on the relationship and your self if need be, but your own man as well and not just a doormat waiting for her to direct the next segment of your life.

Get her thinking to but give her an out and some hope for reconciliation.

My wife once threatened me with leaving (and actually did for a short time). I told her I didn't want that and would prefer to work on the relationship but that I want her to be happy to. If that's what she needs then so be it. After a couple of days I went out for lunch with a female friend. Nothing happened obviously, it was just lunch and was only going to be lunch. But my wife got wind of it and all of a sudden hell broke loose as she realized the possible consequences of her actions as she had only been thinking about it from her side. When she challenged me on it I told her it was nothing. I was asked out for lunch and although wasn't really looking for anything thought to myself, "why not, I'm single at this point - it's just lunch". But even this small step scared her.

She came home the next day and never made that threat again.


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## for better or for worse (Jul 4, 2011)

thanks Eagleclaw, 

She isn't home yet, and that was my fear, that if she wants to come home, I'll look bad.

we haven't talked about dating yet, (its been 6 weeks), so I think I'm going to have that talk with her this week if nothing else happens. Basically, what I've told her is that our relationship is in her hands right now, but my future is in my hands. 

Wish me luck....


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## eagleclaw (Sep 20, 2010)

I wouldn't tell her the relationship is in her hands, that gives her all the power and again makes it look like your waiting on her. (You might be, but don't project that). I'd be tempted to point out that you have doubts now that she has demonstrated that her foundation in this relationship isn't very strong as she so quickly abandonded it. It's fine to let her know your willing to work on the relationship if she is, but I would also tell her that as the time goes on your going to start dating...... (you might as well because she likely is) and if you meet someone in that time and really click with them then it's unlikely at that point that you will backtrack. The clock is ticking.......


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## for better or for worse (Jul 4, 2011)

I see your point, I definitely don't want to give her the impression she is in control of us. That obviously sounds like she is. I meant what you said there, that I am willing to work on this if she is as well, but I will not be waiting around for her.


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## eagleclaw (Sep 20, 2010)

By default, I'm sure she is thinking she is completely in control, and it hasn't even occurred to her that you might move on, or that she is "risking" anything at all. Therefore she is not really weighing her options fully informed.

As another poster here "MEM" once wrote and I have never forgot.

Healthy fear is very healthy.


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## for better or for worse (Jul 4, 2011)

So I'd like to sit her down and tell her that I want to work on the marriage, but that can only happen if she commits, and that I am moving forward with my life regardless. Since it's only been 6 weeks, is it too early? Or is there a too early?


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## eagleclaw (Sep 20, 2010)

I think it's ok to tell her that your preference would be to work on the marriage but only if that is what she wants as well. Otherwise you will accept this for what it is (a seperation) and move on accordingly. If she resists, I would immediatly switch it up to making it more real for her, by making it legal. Get a formal seperation written up and notorized. She will see that you are serious and talking this seriouisly, plus your legally protected from that point on. A legal seperation would involve separating your finances and becoming self suficient. And since she is the one that left you already have the residence.

It's kinda a tough love lesson, but you WANT things to be difficult for her out there. Don't help her out, don't give her money, don't fund her leaving, don't give her a third option like coming back but not working on the marriage. You want her to weigh her options and look back at the family house and a life with you as a viable alternative.

BTW - you want to project being her rock. Your stable, attractive, willing to work on thre relationship, yourself, and communicate. Your "a catch", but not a "doormat". Your a good choice, but she has to actively "choose" you.

Initially she may ramp things up and get angry (nobody likes being uncomfortable, losing there fall back position, or feeling isolated). But she has to remember and realize that she CHOSE this position. And you are giving her the gift of allowying her to choose a better position and return if she wishes.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

for better or for worse said:


> So I'd like to sit her down and tell her that I want to work on the marriage, but that can only happen if she commits, and that I am moving forward with my life regardless.


Yes, tell her.


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