# The Sex Catch-22



## descarado (Mar 13, 2012)

Hello all,

New to the forum and relatively new to marriage (married about three years ago). I'm 27, my wife is 30. 

And yup, having issues with sexual imbalance within the marriage. I'm hoping you guys can help me out! The thing is, everything else about my marriage is great except for the sex, and I have NO idea how to even approach the problem, let alone solve it. It's like our usual communication, which is good, just shuts down.

When we first got together, five years ago, it was sex 3-4 times a week. Now I am lucky if we go 2-3 times a month. Not only that, the quality has suffered too: she used to be quite pro-active, initiating and wanting to experiment. These days, I have to initiate it every single time, and the most participation she does is to switch positions once (by turning around). She doesn't like foreplay, she doesn't like oral, and I get a sense that when we're doing it, she's wondering when it'll be all over so she can go back to watching TV, or browsing blogs online.

At first, I thought my initiating (or asking her about sex) made me into a nag. However, if I didn't ask, she would go weeks without bringing it up. Then after waiting an unbearably long time, I'd guiltily ask, and she would submit to a round of joyless sex that just made both sides angrier.

After a while, she compromised by trying to set aside one day a week- Saturday night- for sex. But it's very uneven; often times her stomach hurts, or she's too tired, or something comes up where it's really just twice a month or so. 

I've tried talking to her about the issue but she just shuts me off; either by ignoring me or putting her hands to her ears. The one time I yelled she burst into tears, and said that she was tired of being nagged at, and every time I asked that she be more pro-active she felt like she was being graded during sex.

I'm at my wit's end. She told me that if I wanted sex so much, "you have my full permission to go looking for it elsewhere, or maybe even get a professional". This type of talk DISTURBS me, as it's coming from my wife of three years. Usually this type of talk comes from someone who's cheating, but knowing her schedule I am pretty certain that's not the case.

What do I do? How can I bring this up without her thinking it's me nagging her or grading her?


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## phantomfan (Mar 7, 2012)

Sounds like she needs to see what that would be like for her. My guess is she is telling you that because she thinks you won't and it diverts the attention from the issue she doesn't want to deal with. 

It's a dangerous game but you could go through the motions of signing up on a hook up web site, and involve her. Ask her to take your pics, look at profiles and ask her opinion of them. Wow, she's got a nice rack and loves oral, doesn't that sound great dear? Go out without telling her where your going and let her feel what that's like instead of a Saturday date night. If she cares, my guess is that you wouldn't get that far before she stopped diverting the issue and is ready to come back to the negotiating table. Of course the dangerous thing in giving her what she asked for is that you might just find out she doesn't care and you decide its better to leave or follow through for real. Check out the 180 on this site. The 180 is slightly less dangerous than giving her what she says she wants, so you may want to try that first.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Stop talk about you getting it elsewhere in its tracks. Make sure she knows that won't fly as long as the two of you are married to each other. Is that what she wants?

Next, go search for the Married Mans Sex Life blog (and buy the book) to find some ways to help. They are not foolproof, but there is a lot of good information that may help you.


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

Try reading "The married Man Sex Life Primer 2011". You can find it here:

Married Man Sex Life

Don't just read the blog because you eill not understand the concept fully. Also, have her read this:

The Dennis Prager Show

The Dennis Prager Show

I have to ask you, however, how do you treat her? Does SHE feel loved? (Google "The Five Love Languages). Does she get non-sexual affection? Here is something YOU might read:

intimacy in marriage

Sometimes it is a matter of understanding each others needs. Here is another great blog post regarding desire in women:

do you know when you want it? | the dirty normal

If none of that helps, you may need to tell her that either both of you get counseling or it is over. You may need to tell her that you did not get married to live as roommates. Before that, however, be sure to explore the other possibilities.


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## phantomfan (Mar 7, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Stop talk about you getting it elsewhere in its tracks. Make sure she knows that won't fly as long as the two of you are married to each other. Is that what she wants?
> 
> Next, go search for the Married Mans Sex Life blog (and buy the book) to find some ways to help. They are not foolproof, but there is a lot of good information that may help you.


She said go find someone else. My wife has told me if I'm happy with our sex life, etc to leave. IMHO its a distraction and bluff that needs to be called with the appropriate response based on what is going on. I've had therapists tell me in relationship counseling to give the partner what they want to have reality hit them like a ton of bricks. The 180 is going into effect when I go home next week if I don't come home to a different situation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

descarado said:


> She told me that if I wanted sex so much, "you have my full permission to go looking for it elsewhere, or maybe even get a professional". This type of talk DISTURBS me, as it's coming from my wife of three years. Usually this type of talk comes from someone who's cheating, but knowing her schedule I am pretty certain that's not the case.


 I am not saying that she is cheating, but it should not be ruled out just because of her busy schedule. Many betrayed spouses later find out that the cheater's schedule was busy because it included time set aside for cheating. Cheaters often give permission for their spouse to cheat because it makes them feel less guilty if they are thinking of leaving. Again, I am not saying that she is cheating, but her actions are cause for concern. You need to investigate.

Also, when you say "I get a sense that when we're doing it, she's wondering when it'll be all over so she can go back to watching TV, or browsing blogs online", this indicates a possible online emotional affair.


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## descarado (Mar 13, 2012)

phantomfan,



> The 180 is going into effect when I go home next week if I don't come home to a different situation.


if thing don't change for you (i sure hope it does!), could you let me know how this works. 

i'm a bit wary that this might backfire and just cause more resentment and anger, and i don't want that to spread to other areas of our relationship.


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## Know_Buddy (Mar 13, 2012)

get a keylogger and see what she is really doing on line.
maybe just blogs...
maybe not.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I agree with Buddy. You may not think she is cheating but you have to look into it. There is a reason that cheating came to mind. Offering you the option of cheating may be her way of dealing with her guilt if she is cheating. It bears making more than a cursory investigation. 

The books seem to work for some men. Change things and shake it up by changing you. Take a look at yourself and work on being as attractive as possible. Update your clothes hairstyle wear colors that you would not usually wear. Ask a clerk to help you out, if they are dressed well. 

Take some me time new hobby. Take it as an oppurtunity to make male friends. Get In contact with friends that you have not seen for a while. Not female that could derail things.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## phantomfan (Mar 7, 2012)

descarado said:


> phantomfan,
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Anything has a chance of backfiring definitely. I'll update when something happens. Like I said previously, I think I'm on the right track with for my situation because I did see some glimmers of hope before I left and knew what a "180" was.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Phantom,
Have you read Married man sex life by Athol Kay?

If not, you need to get it and read it before you go home. 





phantomfan said:


> She said go find someone else. My wife has told me if I'm happy with our sex life, etc to leave. IMHO its a distraction and bluff that needs to be called with the appropriate response based on what is going on. I've had therapists tell me in relationship counseling to give the partner what they want to have reality hit them like a ton of bricks. The 180 is going into effect when I go home next week if I don't come home to a different situation.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## phantomfan (Mar 7, 2012)

MEM11363 said:


> Phantom,
> Have you read Married man sex life by Athol Kay?
> 
> If not, you need to get it and read it before you go home.


It's on the list.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Sex is not an important emotional need of hers. Therefore she doesnt understand that it is an important emotional need for you.
She doesnt understand the nature of the importance of sex to a man. Rather than begging for sex, you should be teaching her what sex means to you, what a marrige is etc.


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## descarado (Mar 13, 2012)

not sure HOW to get it through without her shutting me off right from the start.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

descarado said:


> not sure HOW to get it through without her shutting me off right from the start.


Seems to me like that has already been done, so what do you have to lose?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Two thoughts in addition to the good advice already given.

If she is a normal healthy woman then there is an unhealthy dynamic in your marriage. The sex is the symptom not the cause. A 60 or 90 day sex moratorium can be a good tool to learn how you two are interacting wrt sex. You have to discuss it with her so she is on board. It can be a real eye opener.

Additionally, she may not be psychologically healthy wrt sex. There are some red flags hinting that she is a victim of child sex abuse or some kind of sex assault. Do you know of any such history? Don't accude her of it! Yes she will take a question as an accusation so don't ask directlu. Even if you ask she will likely deny even if it is true. This is a topic for the therapists office if she has not volunyeered it to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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