# My destructive infidelity.. seeking the truth.



## sunshine truth (Sep 30, 2016)

I need to share honestly my destructive infidelity and in doing so seek to understand myself better.. can anyone please help, I feel desperate? I am a female almost 40, I once viewed myself as strong independent and successful in terms of both my profession and marriage... I no longer trust my judgement of self! 

I met my husband whilst at University, he was and continues to be the person I admire most in life. He is courageous, has strength in adversity, uniquely interesting, funny, handsome and physically is in great shape. That is not to say he is not like many; including myself, difficult to live with at times. When we met I was 19 and he was 26.. we have now been married for 12 years. Generally we have been happy for most of our 20 years together and I thought we would always remain close. Things became strained after failed IVF attempts, about 5 years ago now. I thought I was coping with the pain of this disappointment but was not. I also failed to recognise how hurt my husband was, mistaking his ‘coldness’ for what it really was; resilience of a strong man trying to cope with pain or trying to find a real sense of purpose in life and struggling. It caused distance whilst we both faced this disappointment alone in some attempt to shield it from each other. I started to spend more time with friends than my husband; looking back I was trying to fill a void.. making my life look exciting.. I did not need children like my peers, I was certainly not convincing myself. It had already taken a toll on our intimacy. A sex life that had always been healthy; whilst existent was tainted with the pressures of ‘trying to conceive’ for so many years.

In the summer, 3 years ago. I was leaving my job for a new promotion. I had been with the company for 10 years and my boss started to change his attitude towards me.. acting out almost a desperate clinging to me, as my leaving got closer. He was 54 and I was 36, objectively viewing myself I am slim and attractive with a positive enthusiasm to my work. At times my husband has felt me to be too committed and yes I did give work a lot of time. My boss was bald and despite a kind smile was not conventionally attractive; objectively speaking he was unattractive and worse still he was married. And yet I allowed this relationship to develop from what had always been respectful and professional to something truly destructive. Initially this lasted for 5 months and then his wife found an email he had sent. I ended it there, only to rekindle it 8 months later when he contacted me again professing his love and how much he missed me in his life. This then continued for a further 6 months, I then ended it again. A few days later my husband found some messages and the truth was exposed. I now find myself 2 years on watching the pain I've caused to my husband play out daily; I am not complaining as I deserve to feel wretched.. He however does not and I need to find the truth to explain my actions for him and us to move forward.

A major barrier to my husband strive for some sort of understanding is the extent to which it continued; in terms of both time and the depth of the relationship which he has had to painfully read in texts he has viewed. I got close to this man and the relationship was both emotional and physical. I had no intention of leaving to be with this man, I am ashamed to say I found comfort in his affection for me. I did not plan to have an affair and did not realise this gap in my life but once it was filled by this man, I seemed to rely on it. My husband has never been as physically affectionate as me; he had a difficult childhood; an abusive one that meant he found physical contact such as hugging almost uncomfortable. I have always known this but because I admired his strength through adversity thought I had accepted this as par for the course.. after all we were about so much more than that. I feel so ashamed at letting him down in such a horrendous way.

I have always found my husband incredibly physically attractive and still do; it did not feel like the affair was about sex although that did happen. I am so fraught with frustration and anger at my devastating actions. It is hard to live with myself; that said I don't care about me.. I want to know how I can aid some healing for my husband. Genuinely he is trying to give me a second chance and although I can never repay him for this.. I need to give every effort to him and the love he has shown me. I need to offer an honest explanation.

How? How on earth am I meant to do this when I am struggling to understand it myself? I desperately want to speak only truth to him but I am finding it hard to know what this is; even digging deep. I feel like the ultimate failure then and now ... when he needs me to throw myself on my sword.. 

Desperately seeking perspectives of others.. even if they hurt.
Sorry this was so long but thank you for listening…


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Whatever one's disappointments are in life, to fill them with self-defeating shallowness reaps the same outcome, if not ten-fold.

I would like to share more, but choose to let this stand for a bit.


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## nursejackie (May 22, 2015)

Hi sunshine- I can give you my perspective as a WW 25 years ago for what its worth...
I had a solid marriage to an incredible attractive guy, sex life was great, and we were building a family. I was in my early 30's and worked with a guy that was nowhere near my husbands equal in character or looks. He did however offer me attention when H was distant and absent emotionally. The "high" you get from an A is very addictive. It filled a void and made me feel young and exciting whereas in my marriage I felt invisible. It was not about the physical part at all for me either. It was completely a thirst for those chemicals. I didnt understand it at the time and felt like we had a special "connection". It didnt even feel really wrong at the time- I knew it was though and stopped it after 5 months or so. I mourned the loss and had to be very careful not to put myself in any situation where I could make it possible to start up again. I think I gained weight as a defense against it. I no longer trusted myself, my actions or my character. Wverything I had thought about myself had turned out to be wrong. I did not tell my H. I felt guilty and resentful at the same time. I punished him and myself for what I had done for 25 years.

I'll write more later.


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## nursejackie (May 22, 2015)

so...to help you understand what may have been going on....you were feeling empty and something exciting came along and you chose to fill that space with the chemicals that come with an A. It was immature, it was selfish, it was self destroying. It was callous, it was despicable, it was cruel, and again -it was selfish and immature. You chose the behaviour because it made you feel alive and you hadnt felt that way in awhile.

The most important thing to realize is that while you are in that fog your thinking is tainted. Your heart is poisoned and none of what you felt was even remotely real. On TAM they refer to the "rainbows and unicorns" "the special thing you think is between you. It is all based on addictive chemicals. NOT REAL. The love you have for your H is real. It is based on time, trials, elation and disappointment. It endures real life not some idealized bullsh!t


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

sunshine truth said:


> It caused distance whilst we both faced this disappointment alone in some attempt to shield it from each other.





nursejackie said:


> when H was distant and absent emotionally.


Here's the thing. Folks don't get married to feel distance from their spouse. My warning is when this "distance" is present for more than a very short period of time (like a few days), the door is cracked for the "distanced" spouse to look for a connection elsewhere. Get out in front of this thing before it gets out of hand because once that momentum is there, its hell to stop. It's like the sheriff over at Pointe Coupee Parish said, "once the ole boy started thinking about it, he just wasn't gonna be happy until he done went and did it." Heed my warning at your own peril.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

VladDracul said:


> Here's the thing. Folks don't get married to feel distance from their spouse. My warning is when this "distance" is present for more than a very short period of time (like a few days),* the door is cracked for the "distanced" spouse to look for a connection elsewhere. *Get out in front of this thing before it gets out of hand because once that momentum is there, its hell to stop. It's like the sheriff over at Pointe Coupee Parish said, "once the ole boy started thinking about it, he just wasn't gonna be happy until he done went and did it." Heed my warning at your own peril.


I don't think she was looking for it. I do think she was vulnerable to an offer of it, though.

OP, it sounds like you and your husband both need to identify your needs in the marriage. Once you each know what they are, you can start meeting them for each other.

A good book for this is _His Needs, Her Needs_, by Dr. Willard Harley.

For helping him heal from the affair, there is _How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair_, by Linda MacDonald.


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## Jponce06 (Feb 24, 2016)

irrelevant question. Is your husband into martial arts? I may have read his posts somewhere else...


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## Clair (May 17, 2013)

At the end of the day sunshine truth, you freely chose to gratify your own lust at the risk of totally destroying the happiness of the one you promised to love and cherish, forsaking all others. Whatever way you try to dress this up, the truth of the matter is, due to your own ego, you did not love your husband when you chose to act this way. Maybe you were immature, etc, but there was a flaw in you which prevented you from forming a real, loving, mutually respectful relationship. But if you realize what this weakness was, you can certainly work to change yourself to be the whole, trustworthy, person you can be, whatever it takes. Only then do you stand a chance of convincing your H that you are no longer that person who hurt him to the core, and are worthy of taking care of his heart.

I have to say, reading this forum, I am often amazed by WS lack of self knowledge and conscience. Sign of the times?


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I don't know that you really fully understand what you have done and what you have done to your husband.

There is quite a lot of justifying what you did and blaming everything and everybody from your husband to the alignment of the stars! 

Things weren't right. Your husband is emotionally distant. IVF wasn't working. It wasn't about fvcking but you did it anyway. blah blah blah.

Instead of …

Your boss (a position of authority and always attractive for just that reason) offered you some illicit sex. It was titillating - even exciting. Nothing beats "strange" d!ck. You liked the buzz. Got hooked on it. The sex was pretty good actually. Selfishly didn't consider (and didn't care about) the impact on your husband. Got caught. And now are "sorry" you got caught.

So your first step should be to admit something like that and truly mean it. Then tell it to your husband and convince him that you were being selfish and lustful. Then and only then can the healing begin.

I would be happy to expand on this, but I strongly suspect that there is a story like what I described that needs to come out into the open - well before you start exploring your marital "needs" and "shortcomings".


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Was there any counselling after the IVF didn't work out? 
Or to address your needs of physical contact in the marriage? 

Lack of affection can feel like rejection sometimes, but your husband finds it difficult to do that. He perhaps expressed his love in a different way. Try discover what that is. 

Will your husband be willing to work it out with you in therapy now? 
Maybe you could find some balance in your affection love languages together. 


Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## Jponce06 (Feb 24, 2016)

Only reason I'm asking if your husband is into martial arts is because I read a posts on a diff site (about 2 years old). About his wife going through IV treatment and how her boss was bold saggy ugly troll and her affair destroyed his self esteem/worth. It's highly unlikely it's him but timeline dday (funding of texts and how much she loved her boss (from texts)) seem to be the same. Even the IVF treatment


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@sunshine truth, if you do not care for yourself, how can you possibly hope to care for your husband?

If you are not yet in couple's counselling then I think this would be a very helpful idea.

Individual counselling would also be of benefit.

I wish you both well.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Clair said:


> At the end of the day sunshine truth, you freely chose to gratify your own lust at the risk of totally destroying the happiness of the one you promised to love and cherish, forsaking all others. Whatever way you try to dress this up, the truth of the matter is, due to your own ego, you did not love your husband when you chose to act this way. Maybe you were immature, etc, but there was a flaw in you which prevented you from forming a real, loving, mutually respectful relationship. But if you realize what this weakness was, you can certainly work to change yourself to be the whole, trustworthy, person you can be, whatever it takes. Only then do you stand a chance of convincing your H that you are no longer that person who hurt him to the core, and are worthy of taking care of his heart.
> 
> I have to say, reading this forum, I am often amazed by WS lack of self knowledge and conscience. Sign of the times?



Lust probably doesn't come into an affair as often than one might suppose.

This is how it can work: 

The problem with getting emotional support from someone other than one's spouse is that, eventually, the affair partner will almost invariably want to have sex.

So the Wayward Spouse will then feel an obligation to have sex with the affair partner, which then puts the affair into a deeper and even worse situation.


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

I understand the emotional distance causing dissatisfaction leading to a CHOICE on your part to have an affair. Your boss being in a position of power might have been part of the pull along with his flattering attention. Not sure why you are looking for perspective. People act surprised when they do bad things. I don't know. Maybe it's their world view. Some believe people are inherently good. I look at life from a Calvinistic world view. Total Depravity. We are all evil. We have it in us all to do horrible things; the right set of circumstances will bring out everyone's demons. Children learn to lie without being taught, babies throw violent tantrums when they don't get what they want (imagine if that baby had an 18 year old's strength - the parent would be murdered).

OP, we all do unloving things. If one is not vigilant over one's heart it will go to the opposite extreme of love which is selfishness. Those I hear who say, "I would never cheat" just seem like deluded people to me. We all have it in us. Those who are self-aware are the one's who avoid affairs. Most affairs I've seen start with one person arrogantly thinking they are stronger than they are. Going to private meet-ups with a person. "Oh, I would never do that. What do you take me for?" I take you for a flawed human, that's what I take you for.

You got too close to the fire and burnt yourself (or your husband).


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## Clair (May 17, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Lust probably doesn't come into an affair more often than one might suppose.
> 
> This is how it can work:
> 
> ...


Maybe, but i personally could never do the deed, and keep doing it, with someone who I didn't find physically attractive. I think a woman would have to be very emotionally damaged or immature to do this.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Clair said:


> Maybe, but i personally could never do the deed, and keep doing it, with someone who I didn't find physically attractive. I think a woman would have to be very emotionally damaged or immature to do this. It seems sordid.


My revenge affair partner was, well, she was certainly nowhere near as attractive as my wife.

So, why did I have an affair? My wife's affair had hurt me and a couple of years of self medication with alcohol lead to an emotional affair that went physical, to being only a second or two from unprotected sex (I didn't even know if she used birth control for goodness sake!) when I suddenly realised that what I was doing was wrong.

And as for having continued sex sessions with an AP who isn't attractive? I suppose there might be an element of emotional bonding, there?


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

What has occured in the last two years?


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## Clair (May 17, 2013)

EunuchMonk said:


> Some believe people are inherently good. I look at life from a Calvinistic world view. Total Depravity. We are all evil. We have it in us all to do horrible things; the right set of circumstances will bring out everyone's demons. Children learn to lie without being taught, babies throw violent tantrums when they don't get what they want (imagine if that baby had an 18 year old's strength - the parent would be murdered).


That's one depressing outlook! Whilst we all have weaknesses and faults and make mistakes, we can and do grow and change for the better with experience of life.


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

Clair said:


> That's one depressing outlook! Whilst we all have weaknesses and faults and make mistakes, we can and do grow and change for the better with experience of life.


People get older where they can not do the things they did when they were young. A woman might dress skimpy. She keeps older, gets wrinkled, starts wearing the nun gab. She is wiser? I don't think so. I look at the state of affairs on news and around the place and it is depressing. I'll buy my rose-coloured glasses if this outlooks overwhelms me. However, it doesn't. It arms me to take on life in an informed way.

Am I saying everyone is a ravenous wolf out to rip out your jugular? No. But they have it in them. If you want to look at it as weakness that's fine. A man rapes a woman, then he was weak to his sexual impulse. A murder is committed, then that person was weak to their temper. The real weakness is not being able to look truth in its horrible eyes and yet strive on and change one's self for the better. Deluding one's self that we live in La-La land is the real weakness.


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

sunshine truth said:


> How? How on earth am I meant to do this when I am struggling to understand it myself? I desperately want to speak only truth to him but I am finding it hard to know what this is; even digging deep. I feel like the ultimate failure then and now ... when he needs me to throw myself on my sword..
> 
> Desperately seeking perspectives of others.. even if they hurt.
> Sorry this was so long but thank you for listening…


find a good therapist (you do the leg work) and get as much therapy as possible, and then get some more. Its going to take time, you sound like you are looking for a quick easy fix right now....there aint one, you are in it for the long, haul 3-5 years most likely. tell him everything in complete truth and honesty that he wants to hear, do not try to protect yourself with excuses or anything like that, remind him every day of what is must be like for him (not for you) and how you are there for whatever he wants (of course, within reason). Do not complain, dont ever ask how long its going to take, do listen and do your best and hope for the best....its ultimately his choice and you have to live with knowing he might change his mind any time. good luck!


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## Clair (May 17, 2013)

EunuchMonk said:


> People get older where they can not do the things they did when they were young. A woman might dress skimpy. She keeps older, gets wrinkled, starts wearing the nun gab. She is wiser? I don't think so. I look at the state of affairs on news and around the place and it is depressing. I'll buy my rose-coloured glasses if this outlooks overwhelms me. However, it doesn't. It arms me to take on life in an informed way.
> 
> Am I saying everyone is a ravenous wolf out to rip out your jugular? No. But they have it in them. If you want to look at it as weakness that's fine. A man rapes a woman, then he was weak to his sexual impulse. A murder is committed, then that person was weak to their temper. The real weakness is not being able to look truth in its horrible eyes and yet strive on and change one's self for the better. Deluding one's self that we live in La-La land is the real weakness.


If we are _inherently_ evil and depraved as you say, there would be no chance of learning from the bad consequences of our bad actions, and changing for the better, would there? That's not a denial of the very real evil in the world, but an assertion of freedom to accept responsibility and our power to change ourselves. And indeed, many people do change for the better as they learn the discipline of consequences, proving my point that human nature is not fixed. We all have the potential to improve and correct our weaknesses, but obviously must work at it. I hope I have learned from the mistakes I have made!!


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Lust probably doesn't come into an affair more often than one might suppose.
> 
> This is how it can work:
> 
> ...


I think you're spot on. 

Lust is often a strong motivator. But not in this case. This is a case where there was a disconnect, she wasn't feeling loved and another man offered her attention and ego kibbles. The currency was sex.


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

Clair said:


> If we are _inherently_ evil and depraved as you say, there would be no chance of learning from the bad consequences of our bad actions, and changing for the better, would there? That's not a denial of the very real evil in the world, but an assertion of freedom to accept responsibility and our power to change ourselves. And indeed, many people do change for the better as they learn the discipline of consequences, proving my point that human nature is not fixed. We all have the potential to improve and correct our weaknesses, but obviously must work at it. I hope I have learned from the mistakes I have made!!


We have the evil in us (inherent). Doesn’t mean we have to act on it. I was explaining to the OP who was looking for perspective on why she acted the way she did. Sure, we have to take responsibility.

“The discipline of consequences” is fear used as a deterrent against future wrongs. If we were inherently good we wouldn’t need fear as an incentive. As I said before, the real strength is knowing you have it in you and not act on it.

I cringe when things like adultery are labeled mistakes. Like, “whoops, guess I just cheated, today must not be my lucky day”. A person like that made a choice, a choice to ignore the hurt they would cause. It’s minimising the act in my view. Acknowledge fully what was done then make it your goal to not repeat it.

To the OP, I would work on fixing the marriage. You know you cheated for the affirmation and thrill so all the introspection after that point is moot.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

OP here are some ideas for maybe getting this stuck truck off high center: 

1) Write hubby a timeline. Sit down with old bank reciepts and any other records you may have of the money and time you spent with the OM and write out a timeline from when the flirting started to the sex to when you broke it off. Throw in every detail you can remember. Take your time and do it right. Then when it is complete hand it to him and tell him what it is. 

2) Start dating your husband. Set up dates for just the two of you once a week where you can go out and just be a couple. The caveat is that during these dates you cannot talk about the affair. 

3). Weekly check-in. Set aside a one hour window every week (separate from date night) where you and hubby can sit down on the sofa, no tv, no kids, and talk about the affair. This is the one time each week he gets to ask you anything he wants, and you do your best to answer as honestly as you can. If there are things you cannot remember, tell hubby you will go back and research and give him his answer next session. This check-in is the only time the two of you talk about the affair, unless something triggers him and you have to do some quick triage on him. 

4). Continue IC. If you have not gotten to the root of your reasons for cheating, it means you have a worthless IC. You need to find a therapist who will hold your feet to the fire and call your bullish!t when he/she hears it. You need to be going home with homework projects each week, designed to address your issues. 

5). Work on emotional self-soothing. One reason you sought the affair is because you are too dependent on other people for your emotional stability. You need to learn self-love and practice ways of living that affirm your good qualities so that you can feel good about yourself. This is different from leeching emotion off other people, which is narcissism. 

6). Sit down with pen and paper and write out a list of boundaries, such as "I will not form close friendships with other men outside my husband or male family members" or "I will not flirt with anyone" or "I will not hang out with friends who condone adultery or who neglect their spouses".... The list can be as long as you want. When you are through, have your husband add in his own boundaries for you. And if the two of you agree on all of them, you and him both sign it. It becomes a binding behavioral contract, and will give you an express list of rules to live your marriage by.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> OP here are some ideas for maybe getting this stuck truck off high center:
> 
> 1) Write hubby a timeline. Sit down with old bank reciepts and any other records you may have of the money and time you spent with the OM and write out a timeline from when the flirting started to the sex to when you broke it off. Throw in every detail you can remember. Take your time and do it right. Then when it is complete hand it to him and tell him what it is.
> 
> ...


OP, yep, what he said!

This is the deeper (less brutal) side of Bandit - not often seen so listen up!


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## Clair (May 17, 2013)

EunuchMonk said:


> I cringe when things like adultery are labeled mistakes. Like, “whoops, guess I just cheated, today must not be my lucky day”. A person like that made a choice, a choice to ignore the hurt they would cause. It’s minimising the act in my view. .


Agreed. And WS often seem to be oblivious to the agonising pain betrayal causes.


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## Clair (May 17, 2013)

sunshine truth,

This old post was written by Beowulf for WS to understand what BS might be feeling:

UNDERSTANDING THE PAIN http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/40052-understanding-pain.html


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Didn't take much to drive her off.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Fertility treatments are incredibly destructive to relationships. I remember a study a while back showing that in many marriages intimacy never returned to normal. 

While I don't hold the OP blameless, I have a LOT of sympathy for her because of the damage done to the marriage by infertility and the attempts to fix it.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Clair said:


> If we are _inherently_ evil and depraved as you say, there would be no chance of learning from the bad consequences of our bad actions, and changing for the better, would there? That's not a denial of the very real evil in the world, but an assertion of freedom to accept responsibility and our power to change ourselves. And indeed, many people do change for the better as they learn the discipline of consequences, proving my point that human nature is not fixed. We all have the potential to improve and correct our weaknesses, but obviously must work at it. I hope I have learned from the mistakes I have made!!


i don't know that we are inherently evil, but we are inherently FLAWED. and i agree we are all capable of almost anything if given the perfect storm of
negative influences.

the other side of the coin is that while we are inherently flawed, we are also endowed the the capacity to love and do extraordinary things.
love is the crown jewel of creation. from the single cell bacteria to the higher primates; creation reaches it's zenith in that capacity to truly love.

it's that struggle to reach the zenith that that bedevils all of us.


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## Clair (May 17, 2013)

jorgegene said:


> i don't know that we are inherently evil, but we are inherently FLAWED. and i agree we are all capable of almost anything if given the perfect storm of
> negative influences.
> 
> the other side of the coin is that while we are inherently flawed, we are also endowed the the capacity to love and do extraordinary things.
> ...


I don't know if we are really disagreeing.

Without wishing to get into metaphysics, I don't believe there is anything FIXED about 'human nature' i.e. we are neither inherently 'good' or 'evil' but have the potential to be either. Certainly we are born with tendencies, differences in temperament etc, but even these do not absolutely determine how we act. If that was the case, we could never be truly responsible for our actions and their consequences, like lower animals, forever bound, rather than free moral agents with the capacity to evolve from our brutish roots. I believe in human freedom and our capacity to transcend and recreate ourselves. There is an old saying that goes something like 'guard your thoughts because thoughts become actions, actions become habits, habits become character, character becomes destiny.'

I agree with what you say about love, and that it is a struggle to change the habits and patterns which bring us suffering instead of happiness, but intelligent people do learn from experience about the link between actions and consequences, and try to avoid those which bring harm to themselves and others. I suppose the desire to change arises from having experienced enough suffering and seeing the link between our present state of being and our past actions, reactions and choices


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## Clair (May 17, 2013)

Jorgegene,

Looking back on my own life, at nearly 60yo, the struggle is admitting we are less than perfect, lol! It can be very painful to see our faults, rather than excuse and blame shift!


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

bandit.45 said:


> Didn't take much to drive her off.


Yep, and we really didn't use both barrels. 

Sunshine if your still lurking... your only real hope is truth. Your old marriage is gone. Go for the Hail Mary and unload it all in truth and sincerity to your H. Your honesty is all you really have he values anymore.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jponce06 (Feb 24, 2016)

Well I thought I might of chased op away. But looks like she is either taking a long long time to reply to her own thread or it might hav been her husbands thread i found. Times seem to add up events and her bos etc... his threads actually brought me to tears at times.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/524535-confused


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## Jponce06 (Feb 24, 2016)

It might not (and most likely isn't her husband). But it's a very close view into the same scenario


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## Clair (May 17, 2013)

Seems like a fit. If so, I can understand his problem making sense of his "financially independent, still great looking, smart and very lovable" WWs choice of a" 56 year old man who looks like Gollum, thin, bald, sagging face ,short sighted bespeckled and effeminate" as her AP.

ETA, Reading on, the guy on the other forum says that he reacted to the trauma of the failed IVF 'nightmare' by becoming emotionally distant from his wife. He felt he had to model strength when his wife was falling apart. I'm left thinking if only they had sought counseling at that point. She must have had a hard time coming to terms with infertility and his distancing may have made her feel even more of a failure as a woman, unworthy of him, though this was not his intent. Plus IVF really messes up a woman's hormones. Just guessing and not trying to excuse, but I can imagine that her AP worshipped her like a goddess at a time when her very identity as a woman was fragile. A mega dopamine fix to avoid confronting the pain of infertility?

Just wondering if you have sought counselling for that issue sunshine truth? Facing the fact of never having children after trying so hard is bound to be devastating. Not minimizing the pain you caused your H by your affair but I believe infertility itself can destroy a couple. Hope you come back and haven't been put off posting further. If the guy on the other thread is your H, he sounds a very decent guy who really wants to understand and forgive.


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## Jponce06 (Feb 24, 2016)

well I hope that OP returns and gets great advice. If that is her husband as late as 10 months ago he posted and he still looks like he is hurting.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Edited out.


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## Legend (Jun 25, 2013)

Perhaps, he wasn't meeting your need for physical and emotional affection.

We live in a fallen world and we are all sinners.

Without true forgiveness, your marriage is essentially over. 

Concentrate on his needs and being a better wife and you may lay the groundwork for that forgiveness.


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## Clair (May 17, 2013)

Legend,

He says he still loves her. The problem seems to be he is stuck on trying to figure out the PA . However,she admits the sex with AP was to reward him for giving her the emotional support she needed when her H was unintentionally emotionally unavailable. I feel that the gruelling IVF schedule and the emotional trauma of its failure is at the root of the breakdown in communication which led to the affair. Just my opinion, but I see two people who still have a lot of love for one another, and feel sad for the both of them. Childlessness is a major heartbreak for many people and like others here I strongly urge sunshine and her H to get properly qualified professional help to deal with it and the infidelity which followed. Don't let this slide anymore!


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Sunshine... Hopefully, you come back. While some words here hurt... Your actions were still more painful to your husband. You telling is you love him and want help in repairing your relationship.

Besides therapy. You should offer anything he needs or wants to prove yourself to him. (Don't commit crimes or other unreasonable things). Tell him anything he asks to know. No lies, no matter how small. No omitted info (that's still lying).

My wife (we are no longer married) did not fight me for custody of our toddler. I have full custody as legally possible while retaining her parental rights. She gets nothing from me. She signed the paperwork... It's filed with the court, done deal.

She didn't try to get back with me after final orders... But before. She had to trust me to not screw her over. Yes, we kissed after getting the judge signature paperwork certified. No more Court.

My wife confirmed things I knew. Corrected things i didn't know or had wrong. Filed in gaps and told me things I did not know.

While still unpleasant discussion during that phase. She was rebuilding trust. And seeing that I wasn't going to rip her a new one... Made her feel safe and secure to open up more.

My wife's affair nearly killed me. Hospitalized. Was medicated for stress and depression. I'm still hurt. But yeah... I do love her dearly.

Giving her this chance is worth it to me... But I won't ever think it can't happen again... Nor anyone else.

A woman I know cheated on her husband a month or so before my drama... She works her rear to fix what she broke. She's glad they are fighting for their marriage and happy that we're doing well.


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## sunshine truth (Sep 30, 2016)

sorry this is a bit overdue but thank you all.. you honesty has been appreciated. I have read and reread the posts and can say that i have honestly found benefit in each and every one!

I was not scared off from the posts.. slightly overwhelmed perhaps at how to respond and taking time to reflect alongside my husband (I was open with him about the forum and we read it together), but hey you have kindly offered exactly what i asked for.

for those wondering yes it was my husband that posted on the other site.. and yes he has been hurting, still is but is also very special and I believe it when he says he still loves me... I appreciate every day just how lucky I am for this.. we are working through it together. Interesting that you pieced this together amongst all the forum posts but I hey i guess the details matched so that makes sense.

I was incredibly selfish at a dark time in my life... I have to face the fact that whatever was going on there really was no excuse, I still chose to take the path I did. I hurt a lot of people and having to accept that I only did it out of pure selfishness and a need to boost ego is important. I may have started by trying to find some deep seated rationale when in fact it is much more obvious and simple than that... I am working hard on cutting out the BS and saying it as it was and is!

I still love my husband and always will, but I need to start loving him to a better standard, put my money where my mouth is so to speak.. I appreciated the posts that really got me thinking about just how much damage I have done to my husband (I Died etc..) as did our marriage. Not in a totally negative way.. in a real, face the facts kind of a way and actually although this is the worst way to go about it. Our marriage did need to change. I take no plaudit for that, don't get me wrong; but I had been living in a bubble of denial about our marriage.. we could be great together but we were not being.

Also The IVF thing - I cant afford for this to be another excuse to pin my behaviour on, it did damage me and leave me vulnerable, my boss at the time knew all of this and had insight so maybe he took an opportunity but the point is I still let him when I should have been stronger and my husband needed me more.

I will write more and read over your posts again.... but I initially wanted to get a thank you out there!!!


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## Clair (May 17, 2013)

Glad you came back sunshine truth, and also that you are sharing the replies with your H and reflecting on them together. I think you have got what it takes to really feel his hurt and take responsibility for it. Deep remorse for the harm you have done to him and to yourself will help him to forgive when he is ready, and also to free yourself from the burden. Assure him you will wait until he feels comfortable doing so, and keep rebuilding his trust by taking care of his heart the way you would want yours to be taken care of. Best wishes to you both!

ETA : I would still urge you to find a good counsellor to give your R the best chance


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

so think that he had the affair started, stopped and started again.

He lied and deceived you for a long time. so how do you feel about his supposed affair?

so do what you would want him to do. get tested for stds. stop working with the OM. (who cheated with a married women during some bad times) The OM is a creep. Have you exposed him to his family? stop protecting the OM over your husband. Start choosing your husband and expose the OM. (your rotten boss)

Have you told your parents what you did, and his parents, so they can try to help him heal?

have you written your H a timeline of the affair? did you do things with the OM that you did not do for your spouse?

have you contacted affair recovery. com and schedule some sessions to help your spouse heal from your A? Your H took a severe shot to his self-esteem. How can you convince him that he is not your second choice?

Have you read the book, not just friends?

are you transparent with your phone and computer? I really do not know how you can put his heart back in his chest again. but good luck and I wish you both well.


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## Jponce06 (Feb 24, 2016)

Sorry didn't mean to put you on blast when I brought up your husbands thread. I read it about a year and a half ago and he seemed in a very dark place. Even about 3-4 months ago I looked up his user name to see how he's been but no update since last winter. The reason your husbands thread was so profound was how little time he had to himself after he discovered the affair. He went from kicking you out then having your elder dad beg for you to be taken back. Then when he allowed you back and he asked for a separation it sound like you had a break down. 
He really cares a lot about you i would say he loves you more than he loves himself. I remember how much of a bashing people gave him over you and he defended you (which I'm sure hurt his ego). The worst accusation was 
"What if her boss got her pregnant, after all her IVF treatment you'd really think she'd tell you it wasn't his or she'd abort it."
It was just sad he's last posts just seemed like he resigned himself to an unfulfilled life.
"No one would want me now that I'm almost 50. (When asked why he doesn't move on)"
"I've come to the conclusion that my wife and I will never have kids."
"She texts me every day telling me she loves me but all her words fall on Stoney ground."
Talking about his anti depressants and how he curls up and cries in bed. He does say he loves you but then again he sounds defeated. 
Besides his anti depressants has he gotten any counseling?


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

Jponce06 said:


> Sorry didn't mean to put you on blast when I brought up your husbands thread. I read it about a year and a half ago and he seemed in a very dark place. Even about 3-4 months ago I looked up his user name to see how he's been but no update since last winter. The reason your husbands thread was so profound was how little time he had to himself after he discovered the affair. He went from kicking you out then having your elder dad beg for you to be taken back. Then when he allowed you back and he asked for a separation it sound like you had a break down.
> He really cares a lot about you i would say he loves you more than he loves himself. I remember how much of a bashing people gave him over you and he defended you (which I'm sure hurt his ego). The worst accusation was
> "What if her boss got her pregnant, after all her IVF treatment you'd really think she'd tell you it wasn't his or she'd abort it."
> It was just sad he's last posts just seemed like he resigned himself to an unfulfilled life.
> ...


This was something of what I was going to post.

After reading his thread - it was obvious he was going to stay because:
1) He would be manipulated into taking her back (too much nice guy)
2) his self view was so broken, he was sure he couldn't do better than a cheating wife that had no respect for him and was using him as a landing pad

It was difficult to read (especially when he was defending).

OP, have you read his thread and *REALLY* attempted to feel what he now feels?
Do you understand that he basically has given up?
Do you *truly* understand that something broke in him?

Or are your feeling the typical cheater speak "oh I'm trying to help him but he just isn't doing it fast enough for me" or "that was in the past, can't you just get over it"


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Sometimes the only way for a wayward to begin to feel true remorse and empathy is when they let go of the outcome. 

OP needs to let go of control and stop trying to fix her husband. She needs to work on herself and dig deep and try to figure out why she thought it was a good idea to blow up her marriage which, from the way I read it, was not all that bad of a marriage. There was nothing in her marriage that was not fixable. 

Most of her poor choices can be attributed to selfishness, impatience and lack of personal boundaries. Her husband is not the problem. The problem lies within her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jponce06 (Feb 24, 2016)

Lastly I think he fears you'll fall apart and probably take your own life if he pulls the trigger and leaves. He did have to wrestle a knife away from you (atleast he wrote he did)? 
Maybe the deception, how much you loved your ex boss and gave yourself over to him completely will never leave your husbands mind, how much you protected him from what yours and your husbands sex life was like (because I assume your husband being athletic and in shape was better and he didn't need viagra), things like that may never leave his mind. I'm scared that he might be a husk/shell of himself if he stays with you. He may never admit it but after reading all your text that he wrote out, how can he ever be happy.

He had no clue he was competing for you with your boss and he lost and he sat there and had to relive the entire relationship by texts. I still remember and have flash backs of when my step dad broke my hand when I was 12 that was 16 years ago...so I can't imagine how long his flash backs will last. He might even have ptsd


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## sunshine truth (Sep 30, 2016)

we both went to counselling together and also had some separate sessions; this was following DD. It did help us process things and aided communication but I feel there is more room for this now to assist this stage at 2 years on.. I do not expect miracles and a fast fix.. I do appreciate the time this will take. I genuinely feel it is worth it. After the IVF trauma we did not have counselling; this was available but the person offering it was not a good fit for us so we left it there.. I will be honest it was h rather than me that felt opposed to this at the time.. I respected this but on reflection it was not our best decision given this lead to a lack of dealing with those emotions adequately.

During the period my husband was posting was the scariest and most difficult for him. He is getting to a better place thankfully and those really bad days are less frequent but i am not kidding myself that those thoughts do not return for him regularly. The main difference is that we are better connected now and at least he is sharing them with me so we can try and work through them together. The fact remains though when it is the person that did the damage that is also the one offering to help support and fix you... it is a headf**k. 

In a way thanks for linking my thread to his, it has made me face what he has really gone through at a time when I have a bit more strength to actually take it... it is tough reading but not nearly as tough as what I have put him through.. 

I realise through this recovery process how easily I have told him I love him over the years.. but I was so crap at loving him.. being better at this with actions not words is what I am focused on. I realise how resentful I have been over the years in being focused on my needs being met in the marriage and my arrogance at thinking I was meeting his needs, clearly I was not. It has been through focusing on meeting his needs more recently that I realise I start to meet my own myself. Not reliant on someone else to do this. We are two people that wanted to share our life for a reason; we enjoy each other in many ways.. we have missed each other. 

I dont know where this will end but thanks for helping me get my head in the right place to give it my best... and then some!


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## Sparta (Sep 4, 2014)

OP you know the best thing for him is for you to let him go, if he can't do it you need to divorce him. You know that you're not a good person, you're very selfish person. You were only thinking about yourself. It wasn't because of problem in your marriage, you just did it because the opportunity presented itself did not even hesitate. Look you even stopped and you went back for more you would be doing it now if your husband catch you. The best thing for your husband let him go. You're not the person for him. There is a woman out there that will love him and respect him, because you don't Love him and respect him like he should be. You're a broken mess, and you know it.! You have have made it clear to him you are capable of making very bad decisions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

If you really love your husband, you might want to consider that him leaving you could be the best thing for him. 

Firstly, could you accept this.

And then, if you do, would you help him to leave you in the least destructive way.

Really interested to hear what you have to say about this.


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## Jponce06 (Feb 24, 2016)

When I wrote my posts I tried to sound just informative but it came out sounding preachy and I'm sorry for that. I do hope that your husband (and you) keep posting. Even if your husband posts back on the other site, I'm glad to hear he is still alive and kicking (his last post weren't suicidial but certainly weren't happy). 
Maybe a trial separation might help, atleast for a few months to help him heal alone, it didn't sound like he got much of it and from his other posts he seemed emotionally "flat".


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

As long as your H wants you back, then continue to improve yourself, continue therapy and work on your marriage. You owe him a lot.

When a man has so much love for thier woman (even when we don't know it) the lies and deception is soul crushing.

It's like my wife died and replaced by a zombie that keeped stabbing me in the chest and I didn't know why.

I've recently broke some bones and still in physical therapy. I can honestly say that pain wise, it was a fraction compared to a broken heart.

Own your mistakes. Never ever do that again. If you think you might, then let him go.

For my own reasons, I'm glad we seem to be doing great. I don't care if anyone thinks less of me for giving her another chance.

I've been with over 100 women before my wife, and she still does it for me.

Be honest with your heart and your husband no matter what.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

edit: nevermind


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