# Trying to post from my wifes point of view: Loss of best freind due to marriage issue



## dg2003

Hi.
I'm going to try to post a problem here that my wife and I are having, and am going to try to post from HER point of view since I think I understand her grief. (Although it differs GREATLY from my point of view)

I'll keep the story short (if its possible)...
We have been married for 13 years, and in the last 7 years, she has lost 'the spark' with me, but kept it from me and just pushed on.
2.5 Years ago we started swinging and enjoyed it. It brought a little bit of something back for the two of us.
After 5 months, we started seeing a couple 'exclusively' and we all became good freinds. Somehow we all had 'connections' with the other person that we didnt have w/our spouses.
My wife became very VERY good freinds with the guy from the other marriage. They became best freinds and swore nothing would ever ruin the freindship. (even our marriages)
Well, things got out of control, and after I found out they had discussions about actually having feelings with each other (more than just best-freind feelings) I put a stop to it all.
No more swinging, no friendship. I wanted to get them out of the way to work on our marriage.

My wife has agreed to work on the marriage, but can't stop thinking about losing her best freind ever, and is grieving it.
I personally think that since we still have not repaired our marriage, that its more than just 'missing her best freind', but she tells me all the time that she could be 'just freinds'.

I feel for my wife becasue it probably is tragic for her to lose her best freind she has ever had, but I can not help but to feel that it is more than that. And I can't even think about letting them back into our lives becasue all I can do is think about the connection the two have them have.
For our marriage, kids and myself, I've put my foot down and said we need to stay away, but I also hate the fact that I have to do this to my wife. 

I'm not doing it to her to make her sad or to punish her, I'm doing it to keep our marriage healthy and to help try to rebuild what we once had. I can't do this with a guy being involved who she has feelings for (beyond 'best freind' feelings)

I've explained this to her and she tells me that she is angry at me for controlling her life, taking away her best friend and being an ultimatum in the marriage.

I would like to think that what I'm doing for our marriage is the correct thing, but it sucks knowing that I'm huritng my wife like this and that she can't see more than the tragedy of losing her best 'friend'.

Any advice for me or her?


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## topbanana

You say your wife has agreed to work on the marriage. If that's her choice, she must prioritise that over friendship. When we marry we vow to stick together through good and bad, and that's sometimes going to mean making sacrifices, even sacrifices of friendships.

In my opinion (and it is just an opinion!), it sounds like a really sticky situation. I'm sure your wife is missing the relationship she has with this guy, but if she were to meet up with him, even as friends, you know you'd be deeply uncomfortable and this would put a big strain on your marriage. Therefore, in terms of your marriage, even friendship would be potentially a very bad idea. 

Thus, I think in order to really 'work on the marriage', as your wife says she wants to do, it is important not to have contact with this guy. This is a sacrifice and it is hard to do, but it seems necessary to preserve your marriage. If your wife has chosen to work on marriage, then she needs to understand that stopping contact with this man is a consequence of this. 

On the other hand, disallowing her contact with this man could make her resent your decision and stance, and that may be an issue, but if the marriage is the heart of her desire then this would be a periphery, rather than a core problem. Still, feelings of resentment is something that you should be prepared for, and understanding of.

One final point. You say you understand your wife, and I'm sure you're trying your best to, but nobody can put themselves completely in someone else's shoes, especially when you do have such vastly different viewpoints. My suggestion would be not to tell her that you understand her, but more understand why she's feeling the way she is. The difference is subtle, but so are women, and she may appreciate that.

I'm truly sorry this has happened, it's incredibly sad. I hope you two get through this. With lots of determination and a hell of a lot of commitment, respect and love; nothing is impossible!

Hope this helps.


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## sisters359

Of course she is grieving, and she will, for several months. That is normal after a loss like this--and if she values the marriage, she'll go through the grieving process, if only for that reason. She probably hasn't had a "broken heart" in a while, and that is basically what is going on, even if neither of you want to admit it; she fell for the guy--maybe not in the way a 16 year old would, but all the same, she turned to him. He was a sex partner and best friend--and even if it was sanctioned by the swinging, it is still an "affair of the heart" when it reaches that point. There won't be any going back b/c she needs to make a clean break. It is the only way. But SHE needs to make this decision, and by respecting your boundary, she needs to be making the decision for HERSELF. If she can't, then you might as well toss in the towel now b/c the counseling won't help; she'll continue to lean on him for support and she needs to be turning to you to get needs met right now. 

Good luck.


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## cndmarriage

I essentially am in the exact situation as you dg2003. My problem though is that he has stopped all contact with her and he still wants to have his own place and start over all while saying that he still wants to talk to her. She also made moves to separate from her husband since all of this has taken place. we have a 2 year old. We were going to counseling while he was still in a friendship with her and eventually I gave the ultimatum and he quit going to counseling. He is very heavily grieving and is deeply depressed. He won't go see a counselor nor a medical doctor to get help with the depression. He says that he feels like he is dying inside, and that there is nothing to live for. He feels empty and I keep telling him that I am here for him and that I love him. He's home and continues to have sex with me (his advances). He says he doesn't want to keep pretending, but he is still grieving for her. I made huge changes months ago to how I react to things and he notices them and says that I am a great person and a amazing wife and that really frustrates him, because I wasn't for so long. Last night I just asked him after him telling me that he wants to go live alone for the thousandth time, to start looking for what he is searching for here at home, because he will find it. I don't know why, I should have left him with the way that I get treated, but I know that if he truly wants to find "Love" that it is sitting right here he just has to open his eyes. He is intent on being unhappy, and I am at a loss of what to do. I am seeking a different counselors help. I honestly do love him with all my heart, but the way that he talks just sounds like he is done with me. I struggle everyday with how to deal with the comments about how he misses her. I am at a loss of what I should do......should I continue to be patient and love him, or do I let go and give up on something that I know deep down in my heart could be the best marriage ever? He has told me many things, like I have really been a great friend to him through this, but he also keeps telling me that I am gonna leave him in a year because he is a **** and that is just who he is. He also says what happens when he starts to feel bad about treating me poorly. Ugh! My situation is so volatile right now I just need words of encouragement and or information on how to help him get through this.


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## apoc

@cndmarriage

As a young single guy that's only been in relationships where I got used, I'd give to find someone like you in this world.

In all honesty, if you've put all that time and energy and even changed yourself for the sake of the marriage to try and save it, I say honestly try a little more and see if you can't facilitate real change (especially if you honestly feel it could be the best for you). But, just _DO_ exercise discretion in how you handle what happens next. If he honestly is a "stinker" and just keeps grieving over his perceived dream lady when you've been as good as you've been to him, I'd say live and let die and find someone who will care about you and let him live with who he sees as Ms. Perfect.

Real Men don't have to think about it when their wives ask if they love them. Everybody fights and quarrels sometimes but if he can't flat out say that he loves you and is committed to the relationship (especially if he's growing so far apart to be dying inside, I mean ****), I say move on after that.

Just my two cents, hope it's of use.


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