# Too good to leave, too bad to stay - the book. Did it help you?



## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

I am trying to figure out what to do with my marriage. I am in ambivalence for so long... When my marriage was at its worst and my husband was emotionally and some physically abusive, I did not know any better and simply stayed because I thought I was one to blame for it and should be happy for having him. I thought I can't do better. This was happening somewhere between 2005-2010. I always hoped for someone to save me and give me strength to leave. 
I was never alone in my life and we were couple since I was 17 years old. So giving up and actually being on my own was too scary.
After having two affairs which I wish I did not have, I finally realized that only person who can save me - is myself.

I started to read this book from Mira Kirshenbaum and hope it will help me to make my decision. 
My husband does his best lately. I see difference but what I felt once for him is not coming back. We are like two roommates. My MC told me that we are very different and should not get married at first place. 
I am trying not to do things which bothered him before. I do take care of him. 

We have no kids yet even thought we both are ready.
I told myself I have to figure out what to do soon. I don't want to waste his time if someone else could make him happy. I know he would be happier without me.
I feel guilty for thinking about leaving. I feel bad for wanting to hurt him even more than I already did. I feel like a failure.

My husband is good guy. I know everybody loves him, but I know his other sides as well. He became very negative because of his work and everyday is pretty much about something what went wrong, who made him mad. Names calling including. 
I am no longer attracted to him and when we are intimate which does not take more than 10 minutes, I usually cry. I don't even know why. Those tears are coming up and I feel sad. Why is it so hard to let go?


If someone here read this book, did it help you? Was it clear after all what to do?
If not, what should ask myself to realize if it's time to leave or I better stay with him and fight for our marriage?
Please don't judge me because of my mistakes, I know it was wrong and there is not excuse for it. What I need is your advice if you went through similar situation and decision making.


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## Onthefenc (Dec 11, 2013)

Ive never read the book. But i would say divorce. You have no kids. And you arent attracted to him. This will not get any better. Attraction is huge imo. 

Rip off the bandaid and get on with your life. He can do the same.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Your're not doing anybody any favors by sticking around. You don't love him, you aren't attracted to him (if you cry you're repulsed by him) so why would you bring kids into this? Extremely selfish.....just cut your losses so you can both find someone that makes you happy. What would you even be fighting for? Someone that repulses you? Stop being a martyr.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## berries (Nov 4, 2013)

I did read the book and it told me to run like hell.


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## Keenwa (Oct 26, 2013)

i read the book and did find it very useful. Since have gone for therapy and MC. But I did find it quite useful.


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## EuropeanWifey (May 10, 2013)

I have just started reading this book, and I feel that it will be very helpful to get that clarity. I hope you find it, as well. I feel that my relationship, in some ways, is similar to yours - how your husband is very nice, but he chooses to talk about something bad that happened, and how intimacy makes you feel sad, and how you don't have children, even thought you both are ready. I and my husband are ready too, but having kids when you don't feel close to your husband I feel isn't right. I have hard time realizing this, even when everyone on here says so. I will update when I have read more. What was your answer to her Question #1?


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## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

EuropeanWifey said:


> I have just started reading this book, and I feel that it will be very helpful to get that clarity. I hope you find it, as well. I feel that my relationship, in some ways, is similar to yours - how your husband is very nice, but he chooses to talk about something bad that happened, and how intimacy makes you feel sad, and how you don't have children, even thought you both are ready. I and my husband are ready too, but having kids when you don't feel close to your husband I feel isn't right. I have hard time realizing this, even when everyone on here says so. I will update when I have read more. What was your answer to her Question #1?


My answer was " Not really". Looking back, things were never really great. I was just blind and too un-experienced to see it. My husband was great guy and people loved him, but many of them did not have clue that he was smoking or selling pot; having some addiction problems with slot machines, etc. 
He was also controlling and things were fine if they were the way he liked them. I chased him back then because I wanted to be with him so bad and he stopped smoking after about 2 years because of me. Many things back then were my fault because I let them happened and I did not have my boundaries. 

What was your answer?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

One of the things this book fails to take into account, is how we change our own history once we become disillusioned. Take question #1, was it ever great? (Or something to that effect it's been a while since I read it) during the time when we are searching for answers due to being disappointed and not feeling loved nor loving, we DO tend to change how we actually felt in the past. Maybe the benefit of hindsight makes a difference, maybe what we understand better about ourselves negates what we thought we felt then? Bottom line, we all tend to do this, so just realize that as you move forward.

I'm still plugging away at my marriage and things have taken several positive steps, a few backwards, a few more forwards... Back when I read that book, I should have taken off the next day. That was 7 years ago.

I'm glad I'm still here. But it's different for everyone.


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## EuropeanWifey (May 10, 2013)

AwfullyGuilty, I have read a lot more of the book since, and feel that the guidelines help me understand my feelings so much better. It has been overwhelming to not know what questions to ask myself to get clarity, and the ones in the book help. A lot of them take time to answer, and I write my response, then go back later and add to it, once I have thought about it more. Question #1 was one of those that I got back to, and truthfully I am not sure whether it helps. I understand what Anon Pink means when s/he talks about the retrospective changing as our perception changes, over time. From how I see it, the point of the question is to find how confident you feel in relationship being very good again, based on how you are now. I am glad you were able to answer this question clearly for you. People can evolve to some degree and work better together, but I also see the point of "if it never was very good, it will never be very good". The best time in my relationship was 1,5 years into our marriage (about 7 months ago), after I felt emotionally disconnected for a while. I shared fully with husband about this, and we overcame it together, though were close to separating. I felt we were stronger, and re-established a deeper connection. However, the connection went away very fast. I realize I wanted it to work so much that I made myself feel it was working out, when it wasn't, which time has shown. No other people involved, just my feelings. So in my instance, chances that it will never be very good, are very high.
Thanks for sharing about the book.


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