# Advice



## The Kodiak

So I have been to every self-help website, read blogs, read books and none of this really matches my predicament. So this started over a year ago. I won’t go into the whole story, but my wife started an emotional affair with my Daughter’s Friend’s single dad. I asked her to stop the affair and to work on our relationship. Which she said she would, but I know she still spoke to the dad often using Facebook messenger. So she really didn’t end the affair, but instead got more deceptive about it. For the last year, she didn’t want to talk about the affair or really try to resolve our problems. I mentioned marriage counseling a few times, but she never agreed. Two months ago I caught her talking to him again. At this point we both spoke about separation, but we are in the middle of getting our house ready to sell and wanted to wait until the sale was final. None of this seems out of the ordinary for a typical affair. But, this is where I become confused.
Our relationship has been a great relationship, aside from the affair. She loves me and I love her. We both maintain good physical appearance. We both focus on the happiness of ourselves and each other. We tell each other we love each other often and we do those little things to show love often. If fact, if you look up what a healthy marriage should look like, we hit every milestone. Since we had the initial talk about separation, I have tried to have discussions about the logistics of it, to which she breaks down and says she doesn’t want to be without me. That she loves me so much and that she knows she wants to be with me, but she can’t help her feelings for this other man. I’ve know this woman for more than 15 years and I know her heart. She is incredible and I am completely infatuated with her. I know what she is telling me is the truth. She has such a big heart, which really led to the affair to begin with. She views the single dad as a project that she can save and his son has had a rough life and doesn’t have a mother. So she views herself as the mother the son never had. In fact if this single dad didn’t have the son this affair probably would have never started. I know what you are thinking, but this is the god’s honest truth. She fell for someone because she’s a nurturer and feels she is needed by them.
I am not the best with trying to communicate exactly what is going on. But what I have gathered from communicating with her is that she has a deep seated issue about being a care-taker at times. Which led to unhappiness with having to take care of our three kids while I worked. In her words, “ If it were just me and you I would be happy.” I understand childhood trauma and the lingering affect that has on a person. This reason began the unhappiness. However she has a big heart and is usually drawn to people she can help. I know it’s a catch 22, but that’s who she is. She likes to help, but easily stressed out by helping and overwhelmed, but doesn’t feel complete unless she is helping. A type of “Damned if you, Damned if you don’t” scenario. This thinking led to the relationship to the person she would soon start the emotional affair. Then of course like all new relationships, your brain is being pumped with chemicals to make you feel good and the unhappiness disappears. Now she is afraid of being unhappy again and now its compounded because of the feelings for the new person and she doesn’t want to lose the feeling. She is afraid of hurting me and she is afraid of hurting the AP. Which puts her in a predicament. She knows that I don’t want an open relationship and neither does the AP. But because she can’t turn her feelings on and off she can’t move forward on making a decision.
Every place I have researched says I need to work on myself, I need to give space, I need to be forgiving, I need to be a Man and put my foot down, if she doesn’t show remorse that the marriage isn’t worth saving and so on. However, I have never let myself go. I am active, successful, I have hobbies and friends, I am supportive of my wife and do all the things these websites/books said I should do. Also I have given her space and lots of it, but she doesn’t want space she wants me to love her. Which at one point pissed me off because I felt she was using me as an emotional crutch. I was her safe space while she was free to explore what she wanted. So at one point I started sleeping in our spare room and removed my love from the equation. Meaning I stopped saying I love you, loving on her and all the little things I do to show love. I just stopped being her partner and instead just became the roommate/co-parent. This lasted about a day before she threw herself at me and she said she doesn’t want to separate and the she needs me to love her. Remorse: she has never played the blame game with me and she shows plenty of remorse. She is just unable to turn off her feeling and I understand that. Going through these self-help books, blogs and websites doesn’t really help because my predicament doesn’t really fit the typical problems. My wife isn’t evil, untrustworthy, non-loving. She has been upfront with mostly everything and if I ask she gives an honest answer. She is as confused as I am about the whole ordeal. Also I made the mistake of making a post on some blog about the affair to which point a bunch of insecure men start talking about beta this and alpha that. So I went down the rabbit hole researching this and it was a joke! These guys are making presumptions based off their own failures. So I am not looking for advice on what kind of man to be. I am a really good “Man” and secure with what/who I am. Also before sex is brought up. Sex is not an issue here…it’s purely emotional.
What I am looking for is advice on what to do next. I am not ready to give up on my wife. I am not ready to walk away and I know she isn’t ready to walk away either. I know she made a mistake and it was a mistake I could have easily made any time in our relationship. However now she has this person she cares for and unwilling to give them up. She can’t help the feelings she has and just quitting cold turkey wouldn’t stop the love. Sure I could walk away and tear our family apart, but what does that really prove? I mean I know where I stand in the relationship. I know how she feels about me and there is no doubt in my mind our relationship was built to last. I am also not a push over, just really empathetic to her feelings. Just reaching out the internet to see if anyone else has been in this situation.


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## Evinrude58

You are wrong. Her live for you is not so strong that she can’t keep herself from other men. It’s not that strong at all. You are mistakenly thinking that she loves you because you love her.

She’s not confused, you are. You’re certain she’s not having sex with this guy? It’s doubtful she isn’t. A woman doesn’t bust up her marriage over a guy she’s not sexually involved with.

you think it’s about you? Whether you’re fit, successful, handsome, fun to be with, how you treat her????? No! It’s all about her and her feelings for another man. Apparently you don’t count for much. Because a separation is just a way for her to date and yes, have sex with another man. “Oh no, we’ve talked about that and that isn’t what she wants at all”…. Yeah, it is. Actions speak louder than words.

What to do: File for divorce. Do NOT separate and give her full opportunity to bang this guy at her leisure while you foot the bills.

If you separate, do it after you file.
You love a woman that wants another man. Don’t do that to yourself. If you aren’t willing to lose your marriage over your wife screwing another man, you will lose your marriage. Guaranteed . Absolute metaphysical certitude.

The only thing you wrote that’s accurate is that you should man up and divorce her. Divorcing her is the only hope you have.

Until she sees you’re gone, she’s going to eat cake. And even if you’re too naive to believe it, she’s having sex with the guy, or at the very least intends to. 99% chance she already is.

All the bs psycho Babble she’s shoveling you is just bs.


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## Openminded

She may need you to love her but if you’re smart you won’t need her to love you. That will make you tolerate a lot that you shouldn’t. And be very careful about trusting her 100% in the future. Always be prepared for the unexpected — it’ll probably find you.


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## ThatDarnGuy!

Wow dude, I feel like you need some serious therapy and a medical evaluation to deal with your insecurities. I am not trying to be mean at all, but you have no backbone whatsoever. You need to have your testosterone levels along with estrogen levels checked. I would also get screened for depression.

It's also scary how she says she would be happy if it were just you and her without the children. That is extremely disturbing to hear from a mother. I firmly believe you need to take steps to have her psychologically evaluated. I believe there might be some serious mental health issues going on with her..... As a parent, you need to pull your head out of your rear and protect those kids. I know if my wife acted like yours, my finger would be pointing at the door to leave.


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## The Kodiak

Evinrude58 said:


> You are wrong. Her live for you is not so strong that she can’t keep herself from other men. It’s not that strong at all. You are mistakenly thinking that she loves you because you love her.
> 
> She’s not confused, you are. You’re certain she’s not having sex with this guy? It’s doubtful she isn’t. A woman doesn’t bust up her marriage over a guy she’s not sexually involved with.
> 
> you think it’s about you? Whether you’re fit, successful, handsome, fun to be with, how you treat her????? No! It’s all about her and her feelings for another man. Apparently you don’t count for much. Because a separation is just a way for her to date and yes, have sex with another man. “Oh no, we’ve talked about that and that isn’t what she wants at all”…. Yeah, it is. Actions speak louder than words.
> 
> What to do: File for divorce. Do NOT separate and give her full opportunity to bang this guy at her leisure while you foot the bills.
> 
> If you separate, do it after you file.
> You love a woman that wants another man. Don’t do that to yourself. If you aren’t willing to lose your marriage over your wife screwing another man, you will lose your marriage. Guaranteed . Absolute metaphysical certitude.
> 
> The only thing you wrote that’s accurate is that you should man up and divorce her. Divorcing her is the only hope you have.
> 
> Until she sees you’re gone, she’s going to eat cake. And even if you’re too naive to believe it, she’s having sex with the guy, or at the very least intends to. 99% chance she already is.
> 
> All the bs psycho Babble she’s shoveling you is just bs.


I don't believe she loves me because I love her. That makes zero sense. Also there is 0% chance she is sleeping with the guy. Call me naive or what you will, but I know with out a doubt that it hasn't crossed that boundary yet. Now I am not stupid enough to think that if we were to separate that she wouldn't, but at this point it is purely emotional. However, we spoke about separation, but separation isn't legal in our state. So if working through our issues right now doesn't work and we choose separation, I will file the divorce papers that day. It's not that I am not willing to lose my marriage, I am just not ready to stop fighting for it either. I am sorry, but a Divorce is giving up.


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## The Kodiak

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> Wow dude, I feel like you need some serious therapy and a medical evaluation to deal with your insecurities. I am not trying to be mean at all, but you have no backbone whatsoever. You need to have your testosterone levels along with estrogen levels checked. I would also get screened for depression.
> 
> It's also scary how she says she would be happy if it were just you and her without the children. That is extremely disturbing to hear from a mother. I firmly believe you need to take steps to have her psychologically evaluated. I believe there might be some serious mental health issues going on with her..... As a parent, you need to pull your head out of your rear and protect those kids. I know if my wife acted like yours, my finger would be pointing at the door to leave.


Dude honestly if you have never dealt with depression or childhood traumas you shouldn't give advice.


ThatDarnGuy! said:


> Wow dude, I feel like you need some serious therapy and a medical evaluation to deal with your insecurities. I am not trying to be mean at all, but you have no backbone whatsoever. You need to have your testosterone levels along with estrogen levels checked. I would also get screened for depression.
> 
> It's also scary how she says she would be happy if it were just you and her without the children. That is extremely disturbing to hear from a mother. I firmly believe you need to take steps to have her psychologically evaluated. I believe there might be some serious mental health issues going on with her..... As a parent, you need to pull your head out of your rear and protect those kids. I know if my wife acted like yours, my finger would be pointing at the door to leave.


Cool another keyboard warrior. Yeah since it's my test levels and insecurities that explain everything. Again looking for someone with meaningful advice. It is quite common, especially for women after having a baby to go through bouts of postpartum depression.


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## Openminded

Apparently you’re determined to stay so be cautious.


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## ThatDarnGuy!

The Kodiak said:


> I don't believe she loves me because I love her. That makes zero sense. Also there is 0% chance she is sleeping with the guy. Call me naive or what you will, but I know with out a doubt that it hasn't crossed that boundary yet. Now I am not stupid enough to think that if we were to separate that she wouldn't, but at this point it is purely emotional. However, we spoke about separation, but separation isn't legal in our state. So if working through our issues right now doesn't work and we choose separation, I will file the divorce papers that day. It's not that I am not willing to lose my marriage, I am just not ready to stop fighting for it either. I am sorry, but a Divorce is giving up.


With as deep as she talks about this guy and as long as it's been going on. You seriously don't think she has had a physical affair??? 😱

This woman is bat 💩 crazy and needs help. And I believe that you are looking for someone to say something that would rationalize her behavior.


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## The Kodiak

Openminded said:


> Apparently you’re determined to stay so be cautious.





Openminded said:


> She may need you to love her but if you’re smart you won’t need her to love you. That will make you tolerate a lot that you shouldn’t. And be very careful about trusting her 100% in the future. Always be prepared for the unexpected — it’ll probably find you.


This is decent advice. I think at this point I'm prepared.


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## oldshirt

Your situation is not the least bit unique or special at all. This is how many WW’s operate.

She wants you to continue to give her financial support, child care assistance and help around the house and pay bills and kill spiders.

While at the same time having fun and lovings and excitement and orgasms from the other man.

She has shown refusal to stop interacting with him or doing legitimate marital counseling so your options here are whether you are willing to share her with the other man or not. 

Your choices are you can be a cuckold and watch her get all dressed up for her dates with the other man and watch the kids while she gets it on with him.

Or you can leave her so you are at least not the 3rd wheel in your own marriage.


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## re16

Why do you think there is 0% chance your wife could cheat? Usually the formula is emotional affair + physical proximity = physical affair.

Not many guys would put that much effort in if they weren't getting something from it.

Tolerating the 'communication' between your wife and this guy is an issue, as it is making you look weak from her view, which further decreases attraction.

With this other guy in the picture, there is no way this gets better.


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## Evinrude58

The Kodiak said:


> I don't believe she loves me because I love her. That makes zero sense. Also there is 0% chance she is sleeping with the guy. Call me naive or what you will, but I know with out a doubt that it hasn't crossed that boundary yet. Now I am not stupid enough to think that if we were to separate that she wouldn't, but at this point it is purely emotional. However, we spoke about separation, but separation isn't legal in our state. So if working through our issues right now doesn't work and we choose separation, I will file the divorce papers that day. It's not that I am not willing to lose my marriage, I am just not ready to stop fighting for it either. I am sorry, but a Divorce is giving up.


A divorce isn’t giving up. It’s a consequence that your wife has to face because she has broken the marriage contract by not forsaking all others and being true to you. She’s divorced YOU. The only thing left to do is make it official.

As long as you support her financially and emotionally by being her security blanket in case her relationship with him fails, you are enabling her to continue this with zero fear of consequences.

I’m not telling you that you should divorce her. I’m telling you to file for divorce. Show that you have boundaries that cannot be crossed and that you are willing to walk if she continues down this road. You have done nothing wrong? Why should YOU bet he one to “fight” for the marriage??

So you want to fight for your marriage? File for divorce and stop supporting her. Let her have him! You’ve got to be man enough to say it’s him or me and by filing and stopping as much support as possible and all emotional support, she starts to feel some heat. Stop talking to her about it! All that does is let her know that you’re still in the hook and still allowing her to chase another man.

You have no choice here but to force her to choose, force her to know you’re gone if she doesn’t fight for YOU.

I assure you, if you passively allow your wife to pick, it will not be you. You’re old hat. He’s new and exciting.

Do not Play the pick me dance and try to nice your wife back. It drives then further away abd you’ll lose her.
The fight here is with yourself. You have to fight your urge to connect with her and remove that emotional connection she has with you so she can see how it feels to lose you before she has enough time to fully transfer the emotions she once had for you, over to the Other Man.

You don’t have to listen. It’s your funeral. I’m just offering advice. It’s free and maybe worth less than that.


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## Diceplayer

The Kodiak said:


> *Our relationship has been a great relationship,* aside from the affair. *She loves me* and I love her. We both maintain good physical appearance. We both focus on the happiness of ourselves and each other. We tell each other we love each other often and we do those little things to show love often. If fact, *if you look up what a healthy marriage should look like, we hit every milestone.*


Sorry, it's not a great relationship and no, she doesn't love you, because she knows that by talking to this other man she is hurting you and people who love someone do not intentionally hurt them. Every time she tells you that she loves you she is lying. She just loves the support and security that you provide while she shares emotions with another. And since when does a healthy marriage involve one spouse being emotionally involved with another? So you are also lying to yourself.

If I woke up in your shoes with a wife who refused to stop an emotional affair, then I would stop it. I would pay this guy a visit and tell him that if he doesn't stop talking to your wife that he will suffer some serious consequences and I would not be bluffing; but hey, that's just me.


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## Diana7

Ok so she may not be able to turn off her feelings for this man but she CAN stop the contact. By seeing him and having contact she is feeding her feelings and making them stronger. 
Nothing will change unless you give her the choice, you or him.
I would not share my spouse with another, nor should you, but you have let this go on and on with no consequences. 

If she really thinks she will loose you she will give him up but she knows right now that you are doing nothing thing about it. You have to mean it if you give her the choice though and she has to know you mean it. 
I am astounded that you are letting this happen.


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## ThatDarnGuy!

Evinrude58 said:


> A divorce isn’t giving up. It’s a consequence that your wife has to face because she has broken the marriage contract by not forsaking all others and being true to you. She’s divorced YOU. The only thing left to do is make it official.
> 
> As long as you support her financially and emotionally by being her security blanket in case her relationship with him fails, you are enabling her to continue this with zero fear of consequences.
> 
> I’m not telling you that you should divorce her. I’m telling you to file for divorce. Show that you have boundaries that cannot be crossed and that you are willing to walk if she continues down this road. You have done nothing wrong? Why should YOU bet he one to “fight” for the marriage??
> 
> So you want to fight for your marriage? File for divorce and stop supporting her. Let her have him! You’ve got to be man enough to say it’s him or me and by filing and stopping as much support as possible and all emotional support, she starts to feel some heat. Stop talking to her about it! All that does is let her know that you’re still in the hook and still allowing her to chase another man.
> 
> You have no choice here but to force her to choose, force her to know you’re gone if she doesn’t fight for YOU.
> 
> I assure you, if you passively allow your wife to pick, it will not be you. You’re old hat. He’s new and exciting.
> 
> Do not Play the pick me dance and try to nice your wife back. It drives then further away abd you’ll lose her.
> The fight here is with yourself. You have to fight your urge to connect with her and remove that emotional connection she has with you so she can see how it feels to lose you before she has enough time to fully transfer the emotions she once had for you, over to the Other Man.
> 
> You don’t have to listen. It’s your funeral. I’m just offering advice. It’s free and maybe worth less than that.


I would also check phone records, search history, and use var's to see how many others there are.


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## The Kodiak

Evinrude58 said:


> A divorce isn’t giving up. It’s a consequence that your wife has to face because she has broken the marriage contract by not forsaking all others and being true to you. She’s divorced YOU. The only thing left to do is make it official.
> 
> As long as you support her financially and emotionally by being her security blanket in case her relationship with him fails, you are enabling her to continue this with zero fear of consequences.
> 
> I’m not telling you that you should divorce her. I’m telling you to file for divorce. Show that you have boundaries that cannot be crossed and that you are willing to walk if she continues down this road. You have done nothing wrong? Why should YOU bet he one to “fight” for the marriage??
> 
> So you want to fight for your marriage? File for divorce and stop supporting her. Let her have him! You’ve got to be man enough to say it’s him or me and by filing and stopping as much support as possible and all emotional support, she starts to feel some heat. Stop talking to her about it! All that does is let her know that you’re still in the hook and still allowing her to chase another man.
> 
> You have no choice here but to force her to choose, force her to know you’re gone if she doesn’t fight for YOU.
> 
> I assure you, if you passively allow your wife to pick, it will not be you. You’re old hat. He’s new and exciting.
> 
> Do not Play the pick me dance and try to nice your wife back. It drives then further away abd you’ll lose her.
> The fight here is with yourself. You have to fight your urge to connect with her and remove that emotional connection she has with you so she can see how it feels to lose you before she has enough time to fully transfer the emotions she once had for you, over to the Other Man.
> 
> You don’t have to listen. It’s your funeral. I’m just offering advice. It’s free and maybe worth less than that.


Sorry, I may have taken your first post a little out of context. I completely agree with what you are saying in this post. I have these same feelings and I know what I must do. It shouldn't be completely up to me to fight for our marriage. In fact it shouldn't be up to me at all. She should be the one fighting for what she is about to lose. The problem is I have one month before school is out. Once school is out we plan to sell our house. When we sell the house I had already planned to take every step you mentioned above. However it is almost impossible to live in our current situation. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about packing my **** up and leaving. This isn't making excuses for her, but she is a stay at home mom with no other support other than me. I can't cut off funding because my funding pays the bills and give my kids something to eat. Where I live emotional affairs do not play a big role in divorces. If I could prove it was physical then that would be a different story. Now because of her err in judgement, I stand to lose half of everything I saved and worse of all getting to see my kids all the time.


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## oldshirt

You are excusing and accepting her bad behavior and blaming on nebulous and irrelevant things like her big heart wanting to help people and post partum depression.

None of those things are logical or reasonable explanation, let alone an excuse for infidelity/adultery. 

The reason she is continuing to see this OM is because you are tolerating it and allowing it.

If you are not going to do anything about it, then why would she want to stop seeing him? She has a good thing going here. You pay the bills, help with the kids, do chores around the house while she has her fun and excitement with him. Why would she give that up? She has it made. 

And since she is refusing to stop seeing him, your options are live it and accept that you have an open marriage where she gets with other dudes while you pay for everything.

Or dissolve the marriage so you are only paying for and supporting the kids per your custody and child support ruling and are at least not sharing her with another guy and laundering her semen soaked underwear the next morning. 

Those are your choices. 

She is a legal, consenting adult. You can’t spank her. You can’t send her to her room without supper. You can lock her up and inprison her. You can’t do anything to her at all. 

And you can’t legally do anything to him as he is also a legal, consenting adult. 

You can only control and make choices for yourself.

Your choice is to remain in the marriage while she screws around with this other guy.

Or take dissolve the relationship so you aren’t paying for it and aren’t sharing your wife with some other guy.


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## oldshirt

The Kodiak said:


> but she is a stay at home mom with no other support other than me. I can't cut off funding because my funding pays the bills and give my kids something to eat. Where I live emotional affairs do not play a big role in divorces. If I could prove it was physical then that would be a different story. Now because of her err in judgement, I stand to lose half of everything I saved and worse of all getting to see my kids all the time.


You need to see a divorce lawyer in your jurisdiction to determine what exactly your rights and responsibilities will be in a divorce.

You will have to support the kids, but depending on how the divorce laws in your jurisdiction are written, you may not have to support her. 

Don’t take your friend’s or your Uncle Myron’s or the internet’s word for what a divorce will entail for you. 

See an actual divorce lawyer in your area and find out the actual facts.


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## oldshirt

......and if you are in the US, then even if it is a physical affair, that won’t really change much. 

It’s not like the courts can “punish” a WS.

The most that can happen is if you can prove that she was using marital funds to support the affair such as buying him expensive gifts, paying for hotel rooms etc etc. 

Sometimes if those things can be proven (very difficult) then sometimes the BS can be compensated for those funds out of the WS’s division of the marital assets. 

This kind of stuff is the risk men take when they get married and have a SAHM.


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## The Kodiak

Diceplayer said:


> Sorry, it's not a great relationship and no, she doesn't love you, because she knows that by talking to this other man she is hurting you and people who love someone do not intentionally hurt them. Every time she tells you that she loves you she is lying. She just loves the support and security that you provide while she shares emotions with another. And since when does a healthy marriage involve one spouse being emotionally involved with another? So you are also lying to yourself.
> 
> If I woke up in your shoes with a wife who refused to stop an emotional affair, then I would stop it. I would pay this guy a visit and tell him that if he doesn't stop talking to your wife that he will suffer some serious consequences and I would not be bluffing; but hey, that's just me.


I said it has been, meaning past tense. It was a great relationship up until this point. At this point it isn't a great relationship anymore and you make very valid points. I have actually said this same exact thing to her. She couldn't possibly love me if she continues to do this to me. She says she can't just shut off her feelings. So I have made it very clear that if it continues and she makes zero effort, once school is out and we sell the house, that I am gone. This is my every intention. I want to leave now, but circumstances prevent this from happening.
The guy lives a few houses from her parents out of town. I am a very private person, so I don't believe that dropping a bomb like this to her mom and it really needs to come from my wife and not me. Her parents love me and would shun her if they knew what was going on. I have also spoken to this guy. As badly as I would love to hurt this dude, it will prove nothing. Not only that, I have a little girl who is really good friends with his son. I can't go all cowboy on him although deep down that is what I want to do. As for now I am buying time and making it one day at a time until I can actually do something about the situation. But I don't want to talk to family and friends until I can actually do something.


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## Evinrude58

The Kodiak said:


> Sorry, I may have taken your first post a little out of context. I completely agree with what you are saying in this post. I have these same feelings and I know what I must do. It shouldn't be completely up to me to fight for our marriage. In fact it shouldn't be up to me at all. She should be the one fighting for what she is about to lose. The problem is I have one month before school is out. Once school is out we plan to sell our house. When we sell the house I had already planned to take every step you mentioned above. However it is almost impossible to live in our current situation. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about packing my **** up and leaving. This isn't making excuses for her, but she is a stay at home mom with no other support other than me. I can't cut off funding because my funding pays the bills and give my kids something to eat. Where I live emotional affairs do not play a big role in divorces. If I could prove it was physical then that would be a different story. Now because of her err in judgement, I stand to lose half of everything I saved and worse of all getting to see my kids all the time.


You can Damn sure stop finding her cell phone that she communicates with him on, the car she uses to drive to see him (hypothetically)…
See what I mean? Make it uncomfortable to cheat. Tell her parents what’s going on. Affairs don’t like daylight.

Yes, you're Screwed if you divorce, so show her what it looks like if she keeps cheating and maybe not have to get one.
If this goes another month, you can be assured you’re days with her are numbered.

if she’s considering separating, she’s considering leaving you.
Don’t let her pick. You pick.


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## oldshirt

The Kodiak said:


> I said it has been, meaning past tense. It was a great relationship up until this point. At this point it isn't a great relationship anymore and you make very valid points. I have actually said this same exact thing to her. She couldn't possibly love me if she continues to do this to me. She says she can't just shut off her feelings. So I have made it very clear that if it continues and she makes zero effort, once school is out and we sell the house, that I am gone. This is my every intention. I want to leave now, but circumstances prevent this from happening.
> The guy lives a few houses from her parents out of town. I am a very private person, so I don't believe that dropping a bomb like this to her mom and it really needs to come from my wife and not me. Her parents love me and would shun her if they knew what was going on. I have also spoken to this guy. As badly as I would love to hurt this dude, it will prove nothing. Not only that, I have a little girl who is really good friends with his son. I can't go all cowboy on him although deep down that is what I want to do. As for now I am buying time and making it one day at a time until I can actually do something about the situation. But I don't want to talk to family and friends until I can actually do something.


Actually you should tell her parents. They need to hear it from you and hear your side. 

Otherwise she will spin it so that you are abuse and controlling and insanely jealous and that she fears for the safety of the children with you around and that the OM is just a friend that is giving her support and advice.

Trust me on that one. That is exactly how she will spin it.

Get used to the fact that they will support and defend her at the end of the day. That is what parents and family do.

But if they think you are a honest joe and a good father, they will at least tell her to think about what she’s doing and not to break up the family for some sweet talking guy with pretty blue eyes and wavy hair.


----------



## Evinrude58

Just read your last post. You won’t even tell her parents and let them put some heat on her??? Exposure is the best tool you have.

sorry, you’re screwing this up in every possible way.

Do you realize you’ve made a whole list of excuses on why you’re allowing your wife to have an affair, you knowing it, for another month????

Please reconsider doing nothing. You should go nuclear on this. Full exposure, cut paying for phone bill and gas.

I wonder how many times she said she went to her parents and paid him a visit?

where’s your trusted friend on this? Your dad? No others are helping you deal with this? You need some help.


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## oldshirt

Evinrude58 said:


> Exposure is the best tool you have.


This above is not a figure of speech. It is literal fact.

Cheaters do not like ramifications, consequences or bad publicity.

They dream up a fairy tale in their head of twu wuv. 

That dream gets dashed when friends and family and coworkers and neighbors etc find out about it.

They want to write their own narrative of how they married the wrong person the first time and they were neglected and lonely but now they’ve met their soul mate and it’s twu wuv this time. 

Cheaters are like roaches that scatter when the light comes on. 

When you shine the light on what they’re really doing, their dreams and fairy tales often shrivel up and blow away in the sunlight.


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## The Kodiak

Evinrude58 said:


> Just read your last post. You won’t even tell her parents and let them put some heat on her??? Exposure is the best tool you have.
> 
> sorry, you’re screwing this up in every possible way.
> 
> Do you realize you’ve made a whole list of excuses on why you’re allowing your wife to have an affair, you knowing it, for another month????
> 
> Please reconsider doing nothing. You should go nuclear on this. Full exposure, cut paying for phone bill and gas.
> 
> I wonder how many times she said she went to her parents and paid him a visit?
> 
> where’s your trusted friend on this? Your dad? No others are helping you deal with this? You need some help.


It's just not in me to tell people my business...well at least people I know. I have been that way my entire life. I am very private when it comes to personal matters. I have tried talking to a personal friend about it, but I couldn't bring myself to spill all the details. So I just told him we were having problems and potentially divorcing. But you bring up a good point about cutting off the funding I can at the moment and work on cutting off the rest when we sell the house.


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## oldshirt

@The Kodiak 

The thing people are trying to get through to you that you are not getting yet is that you are a very important supporter and enabler in this affair. 

She and the OM probably literally cannot do it without your help and support. 

YOU are the 3rd leg in a 3-legged barstool. The affair likely cannot exist without your acceptance, help and support.

The fact that she has not already left you means that he is not onboard with taking her in full time and being an instant daddy to her kids - or she doesn’t think that he is good partner/father material or that he doesn’t make as much money that you do.

She wants and needs you BOTH in order for this affair to survive.

By you playing nice with her and telling her how much you live and want her and you continuing to pay for her food and housing and trinkets, you are giving her the safety and stability or her home life so she can go out and have fun and excitement with the other man. 

And 99.9999999% chance the OM only wants to bang her. He doesn’t want to change her flat tires in the rain or change diapers or clean up puke or take her kids to their doctor’s appointments or pick them up from school. 

He NEEDS YOU TO DO THAT so he can focus on giving her good orgasms so she keeps coming back to suck his junk. 

He needs you to take care of her and support her and the kids full time so he can focus on being a cool, sexy stud. 

I guarantee you that if you were to show up at his house with all the kids and big basket of her dirty socks and underwear and drop them all off and tell him that you had something unexpected come up and that she wasn’t sick at home and could he watch the kids and do her laundry until you get back - he would be on the phone dumping her before you even pulled out of his driveway.

Their affair NEEDS your acceptance and cooperation. 

You are an important and critical component of their affair.

If you take that away, it will collapse.


----------



## Evinrude58

The Kodiak said:


> It's just not in me to tell people my business...well at least people I know. I have been that way my entire life. I am very private when it comes to personal matters. I have tried talking to a personal friend about it, but I couldn't bring myself to spill all the details. So I just told him we were having problems and potentially divorcing. But you bring up a good point about cutting off the funding I can at the moment and work on cutting off the rest when we sell the house.


It ain’t your business anymore. It’s yours, hers, and another man’s. You want it back to yours and hers? Consequences. 
tell her parents. If you don’t, she will land as said, it will be a helluva lot different from her version, which will 100% paint you in a poor light, if not as a monster.

TELL HER PARENTS!!!!!!!!!!

they won’t help you. But it’s light on a situation they want kept in the dark and you are helping them!


----------



## oldshirt

The Kodiak said:


> It's just not in me to tell people my business...well at least people I know. I have been that way my entire life. I am very private when it comes to personal matters. I have tried talking to a personal friend about it, but I couldn't bring myself to spill all the details. So I just told him we were having problems and potentially divorcing. But you bring up a good point about cutting off the funding I can at the moment and work on cutting off the rest when we sell the house.


Affairs are like mold and fungus, they grow and flourish in the dark.

Before doing anything involving money finances or property, consult an attorney.

You may think you know what’s best for you and your wife and your family, but you are proving with each post that you are wrong.

You need to see an attorney or you will take it in the shorts 10 times worse if you try to freelance this. 

You are like one of my best friends. He thought with his computer engineering degree and his good grades in math and physics that he knew more than people that have been to law school and do dozens of not hundreds of divorces a year.

.......he was VERY wrong and is still paying the price now 15 years later.


----------



## ThatDarnGuy!

Evinrude58 said:


> It ain’t your business anymore. It’s yours, hers, and another man’s. You want it back to yours and hers? Consequences.
> tell her parents. If you don’t, she will land as said, it will be a helluva lot different from her version, which will 100% paint you in a poor light, if not as a monster.
> 
> TELL HER PARENTS!!!!!!!!!!
> 
> they won’t help you. But it’s light on a situation they want kept in the dark and you are helping them!


I seriously doubt he will do anything. She appears to wear the pants in this marriage. But wow, I absolutely would not tolerate working all day and coming home to a spouse who is wide open about cheating. Also a spouse who admitted to me that things would be better without the kids 

All she is doing is looking for a new guy while living off of him. It actually wouldn't surprise me if she is just waiting for the sale of the house and then abandons him, the kids, and takes the money.

I would be doing everything possible to expose her, protect your assets, and prepare for the upcoming divorce rather than just talking to her new guy.


----------



## Captain Obvious

Your current strategy isn't working. Do yourself a favor and listen to the people here, bc they know what they're talking about.


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## Casual Observer

@The Kodiak - MC isn't going to do any good. She needs IC to help her make the most important decision of her life. And that's how it needs to be put to her. It's a choice she has to make, and she needs professional help with it since the default doesn't work... things will not continue as is. Give her a date. Find a therapist within 3 weeks, and have a plan to get her life figured out within 4 weeks of the start. Separate during that 4 weeks, awaiting her decision. The only way you remain married is if she's made the decision to cut all contact with OM. 

Easy to fling this stuff from afar. Just don't bother with the MC unless you can strongly vet the counselor ahead of time and not get somebody who wants to tell you that both of you have to take blame for where you are.


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## Rob_1

If there ever was a post that was nothing but that of an apologist, with little self respect and dignity, is that of you OP. 

You may spend the rest of your life making excuses for not given up, but the truth is you are purposely deceiving yourself in that this is about love and because of love you can take it, and try to force your so called love to love you. 

It's called being afraid, no having the balls to act like a man; instead you're acting like a supplicant, a beggar for her to give up on this other dude. Your attitude, regardless of what you say and think is that of a man that want to keep it together at all cost. We all can see it from far away. 

It's not because we are some keyboard macho man warrior. It's because we have seen thousands of men in a situation just like yours (yours is nothing special, nor unique), and the results of those that stood strong with self respect and dignity, and those that couldn't for the life of them grow a backbone. 

When a woman is into other man other than her husband's, and the husband all it does is to try to keep her at all cost, FYI, the first thing a woman loses is her respect towards her husband as a man. She doesn't see you as a strong man, the object of her affections is that other strong, manly man, even if it is all in her fogged head.

You my friend, whether you see it or not, are nothing but a pushover, that lacks self respect. Guys like you on average will not do a thing, other than keep making each and every effort to keep a woman that all she needs you for is economics, child care, etc, while she seeks for what she really wants somewhere else.


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## *Deidre*

Being afraid of the unknown is very common when ending toxic relationships. Your wife has come up with some very creative word salads to keep you in this limbo you’re in.  She is manipulative and we can see it because we’re not emotionally invested like you are.

Your mind knows what to do and your heart will eventually follow. Sometimes, relationships don’t work out - that doesn’t make you a failure. Hope you take some of the advice the others here are giving you.


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## SunCMars

Some things come to mind.

Let me throw these things around and see if any of them stick.

a) This might be some sort of mental breakdown with her.
Maybe a mid-life crisis?

b) It sounds like she is self-cutting, herself.
A slow suicide behavior.
A call for help.

c) This also sounds like addictive behavior.

d) Is she off her medication?

e) Is she bi-polar?

I assume this is new behavior.

Talk to us more about this divorced guy she is pining after.
Is he encouraging this?
Uh, I would think so.

What changed in your marriage that might have brought this about.
Be honest.


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## Prodigal

The Kodiak said:


> She couldn't possibly love me if she continues to do this to me. She says she can't just shut off her feelings.


Well, to a degree it is true that we can't turn our feelings off and on like a faucet. I'll tell you what struck me reading ^^this.^^ The level of complete disregard - and disrespect, I might add - that your wife is showing you. So she's incapable of turning off her feelings. Solve her dilemma and start by turning off her phone.

It sounds like you have given her an opportunity to stop the EA and show you she is committed to healing the marriage. Instead, she has shown she cares more about pursuing online/texting slap-and-tickle with lover boy.

You have to do what you feel is right, but I gotta tell ya - from where I'm sitting, I'd dump this woman like radioactive waste. She sounds horrible to me. JMO


----------



## The Kodiak

SunCMars said:


> Some things come to mind.
> 
> Let me throw these things around and see if any of them stick.
> 
> a) This might be some sort of mental breakdown with her.
> Maybe a mid-life crisis?
> 
> b) It sounds like she is self-cutting, herself.
> A slow suicide behavior.
> A call for help.
> 
> c) This also sounds like addictive behavior.
> 
> d) Is she off her medication?
> 
> e) Is she bi-polar?
> 
> I assume this is new behavior.
> 
> Talk to us more about this divorced guy she is pining after.
> Is he encouraging this?
> Uh, I would think so.
> 
> What changed in your marriage that might have brought this about.
> Be honest.





*Deidre* said:


> Being afraid of the unknown is very common when ending toxic relationships. Your wife has come up with some very creative word salads to keep you in this limbo you’re in.  She is manipulative and we can see it because we’re not emotionally invested like you are.
> 
> Your mind knows what to do and your heart will eventually follow. Sometimes, relationships don’t work out - that doesn’t make you a failure. Hope you take some of the advice the others here are giving you.


That’s what I thought in the beginning, that she was going through some mid-life crisis, but it never ends. As for the rest you mentioned, meds, bi-polar and what not doesn’t fit her. 
What changed in the relationship was our third child. She was rough to deal with and we both started becoming depressed and withdrew into ourselves. But as the kid got older, things became easier and we were back to our old ways until the affair.


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## Evinrude58

Kodiak,
The Only thing that prevents this from leading to divorce is a husband that realizes what he has with a cheating wife, heads the other direction, and stops giving a damn what she’s up to and starts rebuilding his life.

As long as you chase her, she has no reason to stop eating cake and fear the loss of her husband. If you show some strength and show her real papers, stop communication with her (look up the 180) make it real that you’re headed out the door, she may be shocked into stopping the bs and start trying to reel you back in. I don’t think you should take a woman like this back. She has little character and less loyalty. 
But if you act decisively with strength, you will have that option.
Proceeding like you’re doing will at best get you a wife that stays for the security you offer but has no feelings for you and will bide her time giving you breadcrumbs of affection while she secretly plans her exit strategy with this man or the next.
Don’t show weakness. Show her a man that doesn’t tolerate a woman that asks her husband to share her affection.


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## SunCMars

OK..

I see a lot of resentment had built up in her over the years and that loss of love.

It is a timing thing, she was (made) ripe for this splitting off, but needed that final circumstance that this OM set in motion.

She has been taken.
Her mind is spell bound.

Let her go.

You will (at least) be happier in a few years.

The verdict is out on her future happiness. 
I would guess not.

She is now that old slip hanging on the backyard clothesline.
She is flapping slowly in the wind.

Wavering, trying to find her bearings.


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## Lostinthought61

you are a walking contradiction...on one hand you speak of her generous nature and big heart but then talk about her continuous emotional is killing your relationship with you. You love her and she loves you but your freaking marriage is crowded with this jerk, and yet you remain hoping she will comeback to you completely and your are willing to be plan B.....then you are upset with us when we tell you to grow a backbone.......she is in a fog, she will not get out of that fog until you radically make decisions that forces her out that fog. this guy clearly has a hold on her and if you think for one second it has not gone physical then you truly are clueless


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## ThatDarnGuy!

The Kodiak said:


> That’s what I thought in the beginning, that she was going through some mid-life crisis, but it never ends. As for the rest you mentioned, meds, bi-polar and what not doesn’t fit her.
> What changed in the relationship was our third child. She was rough to deal with and we both started becoming depressed and withdrew into ourselves. But as the kid got older, things became easier and we were back to our old ways until the affair.


Dude, quit having children with a woman who has zero respect for you. Are you sure they are your children seeing how she is cheating on you? And have you gotten tested for std's?

Assuming all three are yours along with the length of time you two have been together. You are looking at a large monthly alimony and child support payment as it is now. You should wrap it up or get snipped.


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## The Kodiak

Lostinthought61 said:


> you are a walking contradiction...on one hand you speak of her generous nature and big heart but then talk about her continuous emotional is killing your relationship with you. You love her and she loves you but your freaking marriage is crowded with this jerk, and yet you remain hoping she will comeback to you completely and your are willing to be plan B.....then you are upset with us when we tell you to grow a backbone.......she is in a fog, she will not get out of that fog until you radically make decisions that forces her out that fog. this guy clearly has a hold on her and if you think for one second it has not gone physical then you truly are clueless


I hear you guys loud and clear. I guess I needed a kick in the ass and appreciate everyone's advice. I became defensive because I have been hopeful and have different views on making a marriage work. I knew based of the experiences of the Men I grew up around that marriage was work and that I would need to do what is necessary to make it work. I have been stuck in a loop trying everything I can to make my wife realize what she is about to lose and holding onto everything she said with hopeful eyes. However I took a step back last night and read everyone's comments through the eyes of someone detached from this relationship. I can see how what my wife has been telling me and acting was a ploy to keep me around. I can see where she has manipulated me into being hopeful. I can see where she was dangling the carrot in front of me leading me on to believe that she wants me. I told my wife last night that I have enough. I told her until we sell the house, we will be nothing more than room mates/co-parents. I moved back into our spare bedroom and contacted a divorce lawyer. I have an appointment with said divorce lawyer tomorrow morning. I have never been through this process before, but I do feel there has been a huge weight lifted. I feel like something is finally going to happen to stop this never ending loop of misery.


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## Diana7

The Kodiak said:


> I hear you guys loud and clear. I guess I needed a kick in the ass and appreciate everyone's advice. I became defensive because I have been hopeful and have different views on making a marriage work. I knew based of the experiences of the Men I grew up around that marriage was work and that I would need to do what is necessary to make it work. I have been stuck in a loop trying everything I can to make my wife realize what she is about to lose and holding onto everything she said with hopeful eyes. However I took a step back last night and read everyone's comments through the eyes of someone detached from this relationship. I can see how what my wife has been telling me and acting was a ploy to keep me around. I can see where she has manipulated me into being hopeful. I can see where she was dangling the carrot in front of me leading me on to believe that she wants me. I told my wife last night that I have enough. I told her until we sell the house, we will be nothing more than room mates/co-parents. I moved back into our spare bedroom and contacted a divorce lawyer. I have an appointment with said divorce lawyer tomorrow morning. I have never been through this process before, but I do feel there has been a huge weight lifted. I feel like something is finally going to happen to stop this never ending loop of misery.


That sounds positive and if she knows you mean it it may shock her into actually stopping the other relationship.
I appreciate that you want to work on your marriage, but when it comes to one spouse cheating and refusing to stop, nothing will work. 
Sometimes setting firm boundaries as you now have is the only way.

What was her reaction?


----------



## oldshirt

The Kodiak said:


> I have been stuck in a loop trying everything I can to make my wife realize what she is about to lose and holding onto everything she said with hopeful eyes. However I took a step back last night and read everyone's comments through the eyes of someone detached from this relationship. I can see how what my wife has been telling me and acting was a ploy to keep me around.
> 
> 
> I can see where she has manipulated me into being hopeful. I can see where she was dangling the carrot in front of me leading me on to believe that she wants me.


Ahhh Grasshopper, now you are starting to see.

Where your disconnect has been taking place is in that what you ‘thought’ you were doing was actually having the opposite effect.

While you may have thought you were showing her what she would lose, what you were actually doing is making her feel more comfortable and confident in keeping you as a provider while having him for fun. 

She never actually experienced any negative consequences. She banged the other guy and had orgasms - then she came home to you and you rubbed her feet and told how much you loved her and how well you would take care of her.

Anyone who’s ever taken a puppy to a dog training class can see what the outcome of that kind of reward system will have. 

She needs to experience real-world negative consequences and ramifications of her actions for her to see what is actually at stake here. 

You are doing the right thing by taking away your love and affection and seeing a lawyer. 

Getting actual facts on what your rights and responsibilities in a divorce is critical as is getting proper legal advise on how to best protect your finances and property rights and how to protect your access and relationship with your children. 

It may feel counterintuitive at the moment but looking at divorce in cold, hard facts and making preparations for such is what will actually protect you the most and give you the best chances for a tolerable outcome.


----------



## The Kodiak

Diana7 said:


> That sounds positive and if she knows you mean it it may shock her into actually stopping the other relationship.
> I appreciate that you want to work on your marriage, but when it comes to one spouse cheating and refusing to stop, nothing will work.
> Sometimes setting firm boundaries as you now have is the only way.
> 
> What was her reaction?


It was basically the same as it has been the entire time. She shows remorse and cries about the thought of losing me and says she doesn't want to lose me, but then becomes defensive about the need for her to end the relationship with the other man. She then states that she can't just simply walk away from the other man. So i told her that I am not interested in an open relationship and only open to a relationship between me and her only/
I have been viewing our future through the lens of how we were prior to the affair, but realized that our relationship isn't the same anymore. I told her I have start viewing the future for what is best for me rather than Us. 
She said she needed time to think and I told her I understood and left.


----------



## Lostinthought61

The Kodiak said:


> It was basically the same as it has been the entire time. She shows remorse and cries about the thought of losing me and says she doesn't want to lose me, but then becomes defensive about the need for her to end the relationship with the other man. She then states that she can't just simply walk away from the other man. So i told her that I am not interested in an open relationship and only open to a relationship between me and her only/
> I have been viewing our future through the lens of how we were prior to the affair, but realized that our relationship isn't the same anymore. I told her I have start viewing the future for what is best for me rather than Us.
> She said she needed time to think and I told her I understood and left.


Have you exposed her to her family and your family....this is not something you keep in the shadow, the more who know the more who can possible drive sense into her.


----------



## Rob_1

The Kodiak said:


> She said she needed time to think


The problem as I see it is that in reality she has not seem any decisive action, and decisiveness from you. Even if it is a draft, just give her the papers and tell her that divorce papers are coming her way. Immediately gray rock her, and do the 180. Go out, stay out later than usual. Do not inform her of where you are and what you are doing. Show her indifference and that you're moving on. 

You told her that you understood, that was lame. I would would have told her that there was nothing to think about it. That the time to think was over.


----------



## The Kodiak

Rob_1 said:


> The problem as I see it is that in reality she has not seem any decisive action, and decisiveness from you. Even if it is a draft, just give her the papers and tell her that divorce papers are coming her way. Immediately gray rock her, and do the 180. Go out, stay out later than usual. Do not inform her of where you are and what you are doing. Show her indifference and that you're moving on.
> 
> You told her that you understood, that was lame. I would would have told her that there was nothing to think about it. That the time to think was over.


I didn't post our conversation verbatim. The part about her saying she needed to think was in response to everything I said during the conversation and I said I understood was because there was nothing left to be said. She may not have seen any decisive action yet, but last night was the first step. The next step will be in the morning when I speak to the lawyer about my possibilities. I'm tired of talking and ready for action.


----------



## Rob_1

The Kodiak said:


> *I'm tired of talking and ready for action.*


This for emphasis. This is what needs to happen now, actions, no talks. Let the actions talk.


----------



## oldshirt

The Kodiak said:


> . She shows remorse and cries about the thought of losing me and says she doesn't want to lose me, but then becomes defensive about the need for her to end the relationship with the other man. She then states that she can't just simply walk away from the other man.


When I was a little kid, if I started crying anywhere near my dad, he would tell me to knock it off or he would give me something to cry about.

The reason she has not changed her behavior despite the crocodile tears is she has not had anything to cry about. She has had no consequences of her actions.

In fact she has probably been having MORE love and promises and assurances from you since seeing the other man. 

If she’s going to cry and say she has remorse, it’s all hollow and meaningless if she doesn’t actually have anything to cry about. 

Since she has not had any negative consequences and since she continues to be involved in the other man and has basically declared her emotional and sexual emancipation and told you that she will not remain faithful to you - 

- Then you are correct that her tears and words of remorse are merely manipulations to get you to drop the subject and keep paying her bills.


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## oldshirt

Rob_1 said:


> This for emphasis. This is what needs to happen now, actions, no talks. Let the actions talk.


YES


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## Marc878

The Kodiak said:


> Which she said she would, but I know she still spoke to the dad often using Facebook messenger. So she really didn’t end the affair, but instead got more deceptive about it. For the last year, she didn’t want to talk about the affair or really try to resolve our problems. I mentioned marriage counseling a few times, but she never agreed. Two months ago I caught her talking to him again. At this point we both spoke about separation, but we are in the middle of getting our house ready to sell and wanted to wait until the sale was final. None of this seems out of the ordinary for a typical affair. But, this is where I become confused.
> Your marriage isn’t broken. Marriage counseling is worthless in this situation. Your wife is a wayward cheater.
> This is a very typical affair. Nothing special or difference at all. Separation will be for her to focus on her boyfriend with you conveniently out of the way. It will become sexual if it hasn’t already.
> 
> Our relationship has been a great relationship, aside from the affair. She loves me and I love her. We both maintain good physical appearance. We both focus on the happiness of ourselves and each other. We tell each other we love each other often and we do those little things to show love often. If fact, if you look up what a healthy marriage should look like, we hit every milestone. Since we had the initial talk about separation, I have tried to have discussions about the logistics of it, to which she breaks down and says she doesn’t want to be without me. That she loves me so much and that she knows she wants to be with me, but she can’t help her feelings for this other man. I’ve know this woman for more than 15 years and I know her heart. She is incredible and I am completely infatuated with her. I know what she is telling me is the truth.
> *Sorry but you are in deep denial. You don’t cheat on someone you love. All you’re getting are lies but you want to believe them because you can’t make a decision.*
> 
> She has such a big heart, which really led to the affair to begin with. She views the single dad as a project that she can save and his son has had a rough life and doesn’t have a mother. So she views herself as the mother the son never had. In fact if this single dad didn’t have the son this affair probably would have never started. I know what you are thinking, but this is the god’s honest truth. She fell for someone because she’s a nurturer and feels she is needed by them.
> Nope, she fell for her new boyfriend because she’s a cheater and wanted to.
> 
> 
> Our relationship has been a great relationship, aside from the affair. She loves me and I love her. We both maintain good physical appearance. We both focus on the happiness of ourselves and each other. We tell each other we love each other often and we do those little things to show love often. If fact, if you look up what a healthy marriage should look like, we hit every milestone. Since we had the initial talk about separation, I have tried to have discussions about the logistics of it, to which she breaks down and says she doesn’t want to be without me. That she loves me so much and that she knows she wants to be with me, but she can’t help her feelings for this other man. I’ve know this woman for more than 15 years and I know her heart. She is incredible and I am completely infatuated with her. I know what she is telling me is the truth. She has such a big heart, which really led to the affair to begin with. She views the single dad as a project that she can save and his son has had a rough life and doesn’t have a mother. So she views herself as the mother the son never had. In fact if this single dad didn’t have the son this affair probably would have never started. I know what you are thinking, but this is the god’s honest truth. She fell for someone because she’s a nurturer and feels she is needed by them.
> Total BS. You need to wake up to reality before she wakes you up. If they have physical contact this is a sexual affair
> 
> I am not the best with trying to communicate exactly what is going on. But what I have gathered from communicating with her is that she has a deep seated issue about being a care-taker at times. Which led to unhappiness with having to take care of our three kids while I worked. In her words, “ If it were just me and you I would be happy.” I understand childhood trauma and the lingering affect that has on a person. This reason began the unhappiness. However she has a big heart and is usually drawn to people she can help. I know it’s a catch 22, but that’s who she is. She likes to help, but easily stressed out by helping and overwhelmed, but doesn’t feel complete unless she is helping. A type of “Damned if you, Damned if you don’t” scenario. This thinking led to the relationship to the person she would soon start the emotional affair. Then of course like all new relationships, your brain is being pumped with chemicals to make you feel good and the unhappiness disappears. Now she is afraid of being unhappy again and now its compounded because of the feelings for the new person and she doesn’t want to lose the feeling. She is afraid of hurting me and she is afraid of hurting the AP. Which puts her in a predicament. She knows that I don’t want an open relationship and neither does the AP. But because she can’t turn her feelings on and off she can’t move forward on making a decision.
> She has made a decision and it’s not you. She like most cake eaters like eating cake. Your excuses aren’t helping. There is no excuse for her actions
> 
> 
> Every place I have researched says I need to work on myself, I need to give space, I need to be forgiving, I need to be a Man and put my foot down, if she doesn’t show remorse that the marriage isn’t worth saving and so on. However, I have never let myself go. I am active, successful, I have hobbies and friends, I am supportive of my wife and do all the things these websites/books said I should do. Also I have given her space and lots of it, but she doesn’t want space she wants me to love her. Which at one point pissed me off because I felt she was using me as an emotional crutch. I was her safe space while she was free to explore what she wanted. So at one point I started sleeping in our spare room and removed my love from the equation. Meaning I stopped saying I love you, loving on her and all the little things I do to show love. I just stopped being her partner and instead just became the roommate/co-parent. This lasted about a day before she threw herself at me and she said she doesn’t want to separate and the she needs me to love her. Remorse: she has never played the blame game with me and she shows plenty of remorse.
> 
> She is just unable to turn off her feeling and I understand that. Going through these self-help books, blogs and websites doesn’t really help because my predicament doesn’t really fit the typical problems. My wife isn’t evil, untrustworthy, non-loving. She has been upfront with mostly everything and if I ask she gives an honest answer. She is as confused as I am about the whole ordeal. Also I made the mistake of making a post on some blog about the affair to which point a bunch of insecure men start talking about beta this and alpha that. So I went down the rabbit hole researching this and it was a joke! These guys are making presumptions based off their own failures. So I am not looking for advice on what kind of man to be. I am a really good “Man” and secure with what/who I am. Also before sex is brought up. Sex is not an issue here…it’s purely emotional.
> *You are effectively making yourself her chump.*
> 
> 
> What I am looking for is advice on what to do next. I am not ready to give up on my wife. I am not ready to walk away and I know she isn’t ready to walk away either. I know she made a mistake and it was a mistake I could have easily made any time in our relationship. However now she has this person she cares for and unwilling to give them up. She can’t help the feelings she has and just quitting cold turkey wouldn’t stop the love. Sure I could walk away and tear our family apart, but what does that really prove? I mean I know where I stand in the relationship. I know how she feels about me and there is no doubt in my mind our relationship was built to last. I am also not a push over, just really empathetic to her feelings. Just reaching out the internet to see if anyone else has been in this situation.


Sorry but you are in denial. No one can help you unless you help yourself. Until that changes you’ll get more of what you’ve been getting. The marriage is worth more to you than her. WAKE UP to your reality or linger .


----------



## Marc878

The Kodiak said:


> This is decent advice. I think at this point I'm prepared.


Most betrayed spouses like you grasp at the easy way out because you don’t have what it takes to make a decision. There is no magic.


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## BigDaddyNY

Is it safe to assume she has told this other man she loves him? That is all you really need to know. She loves another man, end of story.


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## Marc878

The Kodiak said:


> It's just not in me to tell people my business...well at least people I know. I have been that way my entire life. I am very private when it comes to personal matters. I have tried talking to a personal friend about it, but I couldn't bring myself to spill all the details. So I just told him we were having problems and potentially divorcing. But you bring up a good point about cutting off the funding I can at the moment and work on cutting off the rest when we sell the house.


Being a martyr will only get you more of what you’ve been getting.


----------



## Marc878

The Kodiak said:


> I hear you guys loud and clear. I guess I needed a kick in the ass and appreciate everyone's advice. I became defensive because I have been hopeful and have different views on making a marriage work. I knew based of the experiences of the Men I grew up around that marriage was work and that I would need to do what is necessary to make it work. I have been stuck in a loop trying everything I can to make my wife realize what she is about to lose and holding onto everything she said with hopeful eyes. However I took a step back last night and read everyone's comments through the eyes of someone detached from this relationship. I can see how what my wife has been telling me and acting was a ploy to keep me around. I can see where she has manipulated me into being hopeful. I can see where she was dangling the carrot in front of me leading me on to believe that she wants me. I told my wife last night that I have enough. I told her until we sell the house, we will be nothing more than room mates/co-parents. I moved back into our spare bedroom and contacted a divorce lawyer. I have an appointment with said divorce lawyer tomorrow morning. I have never been through this process before, but I do feel there has been a huge weight lifted. I feel like something is finally going to happen to stop this never ending loop of misery.


If you are smart you’ll drop the hopium pipe. Like many you are trying to fix this. You can’t fix your wayward cheating wife.


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## Marc878

The Kodiak said:


> I didn't post our conversation verbatim. The part about her saying she needed to think was in response to everything I said during the conversation and I said I understood was because there was nothing left to be said. She may not have seen any decisive action yet, but last night was the first step. The next step will be in the morning when I speak to the lawyer about my possibilities. I'm tired of talking and ready for action.


Bud, what you aren’t getting is she has made a decision. It’s not you.


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## The Kodiak

Marc878 said:


> If you are smart you’ll drop the hopium pipe. Like many you are trying to fix this. You can’t fix your wayward cheating wife.


A little late to the conversation, but that's okay. I understand what you and many others are saying. I've started taking the necessary steps to end this.


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## Marc878

The Kodiak said:


> Sorry, I may have taken your first post a little out of context. I completely agree with what you are saying in this post. I have these same feelings and I know what I must do. It shouldn't be completely up to me to fight for our marriage. In fact it shouldn't be up to me at all. She should be the one fighting for what she is about to lose. The problem is I have one month before school is out. Once school is out we plan to sell our house. When we sell the house I had already planned to take every step you mentioned above. However it is almost impossible to live in our current situation. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about packing my **** up and leaving. This isn't making excuses for her, but she is a stay at home mom with no other support other than me. I can't cut off funding because my funding pays the bills and give my kids something to eat. Where I live emotional affairs do not play a big role in divorces. If I could prove it was physical then that would be a different story. Now because of her err in judgement, I stand to lose half of everything I saved and worse of all getting to see my kids all the time.


Your option is to stay with a cheating wife until she dumps you when she’s ready.


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## Marc878

If I were you I’d put some serious thought into your future. Your so-called marriage if you can call it that is forever changed. I’m sorry you’re here in a place like most you never thought you’d have to deal with. 
This is a part of who your wife is. Can you live with that? 
The other thing is the capability is there for her to do this again even if she stays. Right now you are her plan B backup. 
While exposure may end the affair it’s doubtful it will change who your wife is.
Manipulation usually only works for a short time if at all. Repeated infidelity happens. It’s not uncommon.


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## Diana7

The Kodiak said:


> It was basically the same as it has been the entire time. She shows remorse and cries about the thought of losing me and says she doesn't want to lose me, but then becomes defensive about the need for her to end the relationship with the other man. She then states that she can't just simply walk away from the other man. So i told her that I am not interested in an open relationship and only open to a relationship between me and her only/
> I have been viewing our future through the lens of how we were prior to the affair, but realized that our relationship isn't the same anymore. I told her I have start viewing the future for what is best for me rather than Us.
> She said she needed time to think and I told her I understood and left.


So basically she doesn't want to stay with you enough to stop this relationship with the other guy. Plus we know there us no such word as can't. Of course she can end the relationship. Won't is the word she should use, not can't. 

I hope she will come to her senses and put her family first.


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## Marc878

Your best path in this situation is to get strong and stay there along with cutting contact.
Continuing contact in these situations just keeps you bound. Let her go. She’s already left anyway.


----------



## re16

The Kodiak said:


> says she doesn't want to lose me, but then becomes defensive about the need for her to end the relationship with the other man.


This is the part that makes this un-fixable. There is a third party involved. I'm sure she is telling him what you are 'doing to her' right now.

Since you've now seen the light and become serious about dealing with the damage she has inflicted on the marriage, be watchful for the other man to dump her and then she will come running back to love bomb you as her Plan B. When the OM realizes your wife might be thinking of him as Plan A, he will likely run, he doesn't want her as his wife, she is just good for whatever she is giving him.


----------



## The Kodiak

Diana7 said:


> So basically she doesn't want to stay with you enough to stop this relationship with the other guy. Plus we know there us no such word as can't. Of course she can end the relationship. Won't is the word she should use, not can't.
> 
> I hope she will come to her senses and put her family first.


Pretty much what I gathered out of the conversation. It's not that she can't she is unwilling to end it. As I told her last night. It doesn't even matter at this point if she decides to give him up. She has had a year to think on it. She has had a year of all the emotional turmoil she put me through to come to her senses. She saw the pain it was causing me and she did nothing. She literally did nothing. All the while she talks about how much she loves me and cares for me. How much she doesn't want to lose me. But you don't do this to people you love and care for. If she was afraid of losing me then she should have taken action. It's common for people to cheat, know they did wrong, show remorse and do absolutely everything they can to save the marriage, but only if they truly care for their spouse. What she has done is the exact opposite. 
I am still mixed up on exposing her to her parents. I come from a very dysfunctional family with a step mom that is purely evil. I literally tell my parents nothing about my personal life so they have zero **** to talk about. Not sure how to expose someone to their parents when it fundamentally feels wrong to me.


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## QuietGuy

Expose her to her parents by telling them something like " I want you to know I like and respect you and I appreciate the way you have treated me. I am saddened to tell you that I am considering divorce because your daughter has been involved with another man."


----------



## Diana7

The Kodiak said:


> Pretty much what I gathered out of the conversation. It's not that she can't she is unwilling to end it. As I told her last night. It doesn't even matter at this point if she decides to give him up. She has had a year to think on it. She has had a year of all the emotional turmoil she put me through to come to her senses. She saw the pain it was causing me and she did nothing. She literally did nothing. All the while she talks about how much she loves me and cares for me. How much she doesn't want to lose me. But you don't do this to people you love and care for. If she was afraid of losing me then she should have taken action. It's common for people to cheat, know they did wrong, show remorse and do absolutely everything they can to save the marriage, but only if they truly care for their spouse. What she has done is the exact opposite.
> I am still mixed up on exposing her to her parents. I come from a very dysfunctional family with a step mom that is purely evil. I literally tell my parents nothing about my personal life so they have zero **** to talk about. Not sure how to expose someone to their parents when it fundamentally feels wrong to me.


Personally I wouldn't tell her parents. It will come out eventually anyway.


----------



## The Kodiak

Diana7 said:


> Personally I wouldn't tell her parents. It will come out eventually anyway.


Problem though is we were supposed to buy their house in a month. I thought the best solution is to let them know that we will not be buying their house because of the situation and if the needed details they can talk to their daughter.


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## Rob_1

The Kodiak said:


> Problem though is we were supposed to buy their house in a month.


Whatever you do, whatever, even if you just kiss & make up with her, do not, please, do not buy a house with her in the immediate or near future, or at all.


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## The Kodiak

Rob_1 said:


> Whatever you do, whatever, even if you just kiss & make up with her, do not, please, do not buy a house with her in the immediate or near future, or at all.


Noted. I feel the same way. I do not want to be locked into a mortgage with her.


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## Blondilocks

Your wife can now hand off the shining armor to her boyfriend and he can play Captain SaveAHo. 

Look at telling her parents as your duty as an adult and father of their grandchildren. You don't want any misconceptions being passed on to your children.


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## Zedd

If I may, one thing that might help, is when she says she's not willing to give him up, look at her and let her know, it's not a choice of "you" or "him." The choices is "you" vs. "not you." Thus far, you've given her (up until recently) the choice to not decide. While choosing not to decide isn't explicitly choosing the other guy, it is absolutely choosing "not you."


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## Evinrude58

It’s been going on for a year and he lives a mile or two from your in laws and she’s unwilling to break things off, in spite of you divorcing her?

please don’t tell me you really think this hasn’t been physical. It doesn’t matter. But she has.

A year long affair? Yeah, you made the right move. Even if she broke things off today, her feelings for you are gone and will never return. You are only loved as a paycheck and security blanket. I’d snatch everything from her that I could legally do.


----------



## oldshirt

QuietGuy said:


> Expose her to her parents by telling them something like " I want you to know I like and respect you and I appreciate the way you have treated me. I am saddened to tell you that I am considering divorce because your daughter has been involved with another man."


There you go, it’s already been written for you. 

Cut and paste.


----------



## oldshirt

The Kodiak said:


> Noted. I feel the same way. I do not want to be locked into a mortgage with her.


You absolutely must get this idea of buying/selling property with her out of your head. 

She blew that deal the moment she blew the other dude.

It needs to be all about you and you preserving as much of your finances and property on your own now. Anything with her in partnership needs to be off the table until under the guidance and direction of your attorney. 

The first order of business here needs to be to do not anything stupid and buying/selling property with her now is one of the stupidest things you could do. 

From here on out the name of the game needs to summed up in two rules to follow.

Those rules are - 

#1: Discuss it with your attorney.

#2: do what attorney says. 

I should probably add a 3rd rule that says don’t do anything regarding money, property
Or child custody without the express direction of your attorney. 

Right now you are like George Constanza on Seinfeld and every instinct and every idea and every decision you make will be wrong. 

You’re catching on but your still likely going to default to your gut instinct to be nice to her and to try to appease her if you don’t follow an attorney’s recommendation. .....and you will pay a far more hefty price by not following his/her advice than you will pay in lawyer fees.


----------



## Quad73

The Kodiak said:


> Problem though is we were supposed to buy their house in a month. I thought the best solution is to let them know that we will not be buying their house because of the situation and if the needed details they can talk to their daughter.


I lost a lot of friends and support by having my ex fiance "fill in the details". Worst time of my life. Be clear and detailed with them.


----------



## re16

The Kodiak said:


> Problem though is we were supposed to buy their house in a month. I thought the best solution is to let them know that we will not be buying their house because of the situation and if the needed details they can talk to their daughter.


I wouldn't let her control the narrative with anyone. I would tell them clearly, this isn't happening because she is having a relationship with Mr. OM, and won't give it up, so you are divorcing.

Next thing you know, she will be telling them you are abusive or some other history re-write and you'll be dealing with the fallout of that.

Time to act like an adult and spend 5 minutes and just tell them.


----------



## *Deidre*

Affairs don't happen like lightning striking a tree...they happen out of choice. Your wife chose to have an emotional affair, and it could be an escape from depression, it could be many things. But, affairs also help the betrayed party to see some flaws in how they allow people to treat them.

I think if you search your heart OP, you’ll see that you make a lot of excuses for her and maybe that has more to do with fearing change. If you keep making excuses, you don’t have to change.

I’m neutral on telling her parents. I see the reasoning behind doing so but I also think they’ll learn about it eventually. I like the idea of telling them to “ask your daughter” in reference to buying the house.

Good luck with all of this - stay strong and try to stop making excuses for your wife’s behavior. That will only keep you stuck.


----------



## oldshirt

*Deidre* said:


> I’m neutral on telling her parents. I see the reasoning behind doing so but I also think they’ll learn about it eventually. I like the idea of telling them to “ask your daughter” in reference to buying the house.


I soundly disagree.

She’s going to tell them that he is abusive and controlling and that he has been getting irrationally jealous lately and that she is concerned for the safety of the kids.

She will say that the OM is “just a friend” who has been helping her and offering emotional support in this difficult time and the OP has wrongfully been seeing the OM as a threat and has become increasingly irrational with jealousy and suspicion and that she is afraid for her safety and the safety of the kids. 

She will use that narrative to try to get more financial support from for a good attorney and get them to try to keep the kids from him as much as possible.

The OP needs to obtain emails and txts and whatever other communication between the WW and the OM so they can see with their own eyes what the score really is and what it’s really about. 

Her parents will still support her and side with her at the end of the day but he at least needs to present to them that she is the one that drew first blood and that she has been in an affair with the OM for a YEAR and that instead of being insanely jealous and controlling and a potential abuser, that he has infact been doing back flips and deep knee bends to try to keep the family together but she has refused to stop seeing the OM. 

This is not to get her.

This is to help protect and defend himself against false allegations and incriminations from them only hearing her side.


----------



## *Deidre*

oldshirt said:


> I soundly disagree.
> 
> She’s going to tell them that he is abusive and controlling and that he has been getting irrationally jealous lately and that she is concerned for the safety of the kids.
> 
> She will say that the OM is “just a friend” who has been helping her and offering emotional support in this difficult time and the OP has wrongfully been seeing the OM as a threat and has become increasingly irrational with jealousy and suspicion and that she is afraid for her safety and the safety of the kids.
> 
> She will use that narrative to try to get more financial support from for a good attorney and get them to try to keep the kids from him as much as possible.
> 
> The OP needs to obtain emails and txts and whatever other communication between the WW and the OM so they can see with their own eyes what the score really is and what it’s really about.
> 
> Her parents will still support her and side with her at the end of the day but he at least needs to present to them that she is the one that drew first blood and that she has been in an affair with the OM for a YEAR and that instead of being insanely jealous and controlling and a potential abuser, that he has infact been doing back flips and deep knee bends to try to keep the family together but she has refused to stop seeing the OM.
> 
> This is not to get her.
> 
> This is to help protect and defend himself against false allegations and incriminations from them only hearing her side.


I guess that makes sense. It’s still he said/she said though, and I feel that couples who spend a lot of time doing this, could have spent that energy getting themselves legally out of the toxic situation they’re in. I don’t know...

Edit to add - I think though it could be wise in that if there’s a long drawn out court battle with custody or whatever, it will be helpful if others know. You don’t have to spray paint a scarlet letter on the cheater’s car, but if you don’t tell others, an attorney could make the betrayed spouse look bad and he/she will lose credibility. Okay, I’m not as neutral now.


----------



## Diana7

oldshirt said:


> I soundly disagree.
> 
> She’s going to tell them that he is abusive and controlling and that he has been getting irrationally jealous lately and that she is concerned for the safety of the kids.
> 
> She will say that the OM is “just a friend” who has been helping her and offering emotional support in this difficult time and the OP has wrongfully been seeing the OM as a threat and has become increasingly irrational with jealousy and suspicion and that she is afraid for her safety and the safety of the kids.
> 
> She will use that narrative to try to get more financial support from for a good attorney and get them to try to keep the kids from him as much as possible.
> 
> The OP needs to obtain emails and txts and whatever other communication between the WW and the OM so they can see with their own eyes what the score really is and what it’s really about.
> 
> Her parents will still support her and side with her at the end of the day but he at least needs to present to them that she is the one that drew first blood and that she has been in an affair with the OM for a YEAR and that instead of being insanely jealous and controlling and a potential abuser, that he has infact been doing back flips and deep knee bends to try to keep the family together but she has refused to stop seeing the OM.
> 
> This is not to get her.
> 
> This is to help protect and defend himself against false allegations and incriminations from them only hearing her side.


They have known him for many years, I am sure they know him well enough not to believe lies about him.


----------



## Evinrude58

oldshirt said:


> I soundly disagree.
> 
> She’s going to tell them that he is abusive and controlling and that he has been getting irrationally jealous lately and that she is concerned for the safety of the kids.
> 
> She will say that the OM is “just a friend” who has been helping her and offering emotional support in this difficult time and the OP has wrongfully been seeing the OM as a threat and has become increasingly irrational with jealousy and suspicion and that she is afraid for her safety and the safety of the kids.
> 
> She will use that narrative to try to get more financial support from for a good attorney and get them to try to keep the kids from him as much as possible.
> 
> The OP needs to obtain emails and txts and whatever other communication between the WW and the OM so they can see with their own eyes what the score really is and what it’s really about.
> 
> Her parents will still support her and side with her at the end of the day but he at least needs to present to them that she is the one that drew first blood and that she has been in an affair with the OM for a YEAR and that instead of being insanely jealous and controlling and a potential abuser, that he has infact been doing back flips and deep knee bends to try to keep the family together but she has refused to stop seeing the OM.
> 
> This is not to get her.
> 
> This is to help protect and defend himself against false allegations and incriminations from them only hearing her side.


This


----------



## Evinrude58

Diana7 said:


> They have known him for many years, I am sure they know him well enough not to believe lies about him.


Are you serious? Some people can see NO wrong in their kids, no matter what they do. Believe their kid would lie?????? Whaaaasttt??? I disagree


----------



## The Kodiak

Diana7 said:


> They have known him for many years, I am sure they know him well enough not to believe lies about him.


I know everyone has their own beliefs and personal experience. However I am very close to her parents. Her mom has assumed the role as my mom. I have lived with her parents for a year and her mom has lived with us for several months. I am also with her parents most weekends. I take vacations with her dad and I eat out with her mom once a week. To say they know me well is an understatement. Her parents know I am a good father and a good husband. My wife has done a lot of bad in this relationship, but she knows that I am a good husband and father too...Regardless of her actions. She also isn't the type of person to slander someone for personal gain. She may be a cheater, but she isn't vindictive or conniving.


----------



## Marc878

The Kodiak said:


> Pretty much what I gathered out of the conversation. It's not that she can't she is unwilling to end it. As I told her last night. It doesn't even matter at this point if she decides to give him up. She has had a year to think on it. She has had a year of all the emotional turmoil she put me through to come to her senses. She saw the pain it was causing me and she did nothing. She literally did nothing. All the while she talks about how much she loves me and cares for me. How much she doesn't want to lose me. But you don't do this to people you love and care for. If she was afraid of losing me then she should have taken action. It's common for people to cheat, know they did wrong, show remorse and do absolutely everything they can to save the marriage, but only if they truly care for their spouse. What she has done is the exact opposite.
> I am still mixed up on exposing her to her parents. I come from a very dysfunctional family with a step mom that is purely evil. I literally tell my parents nothing about my personal life so they have zero **** to talk about. Not sure how to expose someone to their parents when it fundamentally feels wrong to me.


Sorry, She has zero remorse. She’s just a very common cheater. Nothing special at all. Dime a dozen. A friend of mine said that’s the hardest thing he had to comprehend. 
The biggest problem you have is yourself. Letting this drag on for a year. It’s extremely unhealthy and you will destroy yourself. *Stop being her and her boyfriends Chump.
Talk to an attorney. ASAP. In some states an affair can nullify alimony. This is now a business decision. You’d be wise to treat it as such. Worry abut yourself and kids first. *
You’ve got yourself stuck. Thinking I love her so she must love me too. Nope. She’s very selfish and only cares about herself.
As far as telling her parents why are you so willing to help her and her boyfriend in hiding her affair? All you’ve done is enabled her. She has no respect for you at all. The worst thing is apparently you have no respect for yourself. *GET SOME!!!!*


----------



## The Kodiak

The Kodiak said:


> I know everyone has their own beliefs and personal experience. However I am very close to her parents. Her mom has assumed the role as my mom. I have lived with her parents for a year and her mom has lived with us for several months. I am also with her parents most weekends. I take vacations with her dad and I eat out with her mom once a week. To say they know me well is an understatement. Her parents know I am a good father and a good husband. My wife has done a lot of bad in this relationship, but she knows that I am a good husband and father too...Regardless of her actions. She also isn't the type of person to slander someone for personal gain. She may be a cheater, but she isn't vindictive or conniving.


Also in the off chance it does come down to slander. I have copies of a love letter written by the AP and phone records.


----------



## Marc878

The Kodiak said:


> I know everyone has their own beliefs and personal experience. However I am very close to her parents. Her mom has assumed the role as my mom. I have lived with her parents for a year and her mom has lived with us for several months. I am also with her parents most weekends. I take vacations with her dad and I eat out with her mom once a week. To say they know me well is an understatement. Her parents know I am a good father and a good husband. My wife has done a lot of bad in this relationship, but she knows that I am a good husband and father too...Regardless of her actions. She also isn't the type of person to slander someone for personal gain. She may be a cheater, but she isn't vindictive or conniving.


Sorry man but don’t delude yourself. Most often blood is thicker than water. I do hope you are right but I wouldn’t count on it.


----------



## Marc878

The Kodiak said:


> Also in the off chance it does come down to slander. I have copies of a love letter written by the AP and phone records.


Take all that to your attorney!!!! It may or may not help. Right now it would be best for you to keep your mouth shut. Eyes and ears open. Do not tell her anything. I know you think this isn’t physical but unless you are with her 24 hours a day 7 days a week you really like a lot find out afterwards cheaters are very inventive. Adults usually don’t have emotional affairs for a year without it going physical. Especially if they have physical contact. Get out of your denial.


----------



## Marc878

The Kodiak said:


> I know everyone has their own beliefs and personal experience. However I am very close to her parents. Her mom has assumed the role as my mom. I have lived with her parents for a year and her mom has lived with us for several months. I am also with her parents most weekends. I take vacations with her dad and I eat out with her mom once a week. To say they know me well is an understatement. Her parents know I am a good father and a good husband. My wife has done a lot of bad in this relationship, but she knows that I am a good husband and father too...Regardless of her actions. She also isn't the type of person to slander someone for personal gain. She may be a cheater, but she isn't vindictive or conniving.


Putting you through this for a year doesn’t say much about her at all. You really need to wake up. She knows what she’s doing. Cmon man!


----------



## Evinrude58

The Kodiak said:


> I know everyone has their own beliefs and personal experience. However I am very close to her parents. Her mom has assumed the role as my mom. I have lived with her parents for a year and her mom has lived with us for several months. I am also with her parents most weekends. I take vacations with her dad and I eat out with her mom once a week. To say they know me well is an understatement. Her parents know I am a good father and a good husband. My wife has done a lot of bad in this relationship, but she knows that I am a good husband and father too...Regardless of her actions. She also isn't the type of person to slander someone for personal gain. She may be a cheater, but she isn't vindictive or conniving.


I hate this for you. You just cannot knock her off that pedestal. Tell her parents snd file. You can still save this with complete strength.
However, two years from today you won’t want her back if she continues to be with another man. Please believe me when I tell you she will be a person you don’t recognize once she believes you’re off the hook and are holding her accountable for her actions. I’m very sorry.
It’s rare to have such a good relationship with one’s in laws. You sound like a good guy. 

she isn’t


----------



## DownByTheRiver

The Kodiak said:


> I know everyone has their own beliefs and personal experience. However I am very close to her parents. Her mom has assumed the role as my mom. I have lived with her parents for a year and her mom has lived with us for several months. I am also with her parents most weekends. I take vacations with her dad and I eat out with her mom once a week. To say they know me well is an understatement. Her parents know I am a good father and a good husband. My wife has done a lot of bad in this relationship, but she knows that I am a good husband and father too...Regardless of her actions. She also isn't the type of person to slander someone for personal gain. She may be a cheater, but she isn't vindictive or conniving.


That's good.


----------



## Tested_by_stress

You need to expose this to family and you need to take a firmer approach with this guy.I know you said you don't want to go all "cowboy" but he certainly doesn't have to know it.


----------



## Rob_1

The Kodiak said:


> Regardless of her actions. She also isn't the type of person to slander someone for personal gain. She may be a cheater, but she isn't vindictive or conniving.


Man, please, please, think, look around you, look at the world for what it is, not for what you perceive it to be. 

I guess that you are so naive that you can't see the forrest for the trees. When divorce is a stake people, specially women (on average) come down with all the nuclear arsenal that they can get. It's horrible. It makes people that normally are mild mannered look like blood thirsty savages. In reality, you have not idea how she and her family would react towards you. 

I'm not saying that they all will behave that way, but it most certainly could happens. So, dude, you'd be better off if you are proactive, not reactive. Regardless, you better be prepared. 

That's one thing that in average, I really give my hat off to women when it comes to divorce, they are, way, way, way ahead of the dumb dudes. When dudes try to react is too late. Is been over for them for a while. They get minced.


----------



## Marc878

Evinrude58 said:


> I hate this for you. You just cannot knock her off that pedestal. Tell her parents snd file. You can still save this with complete strength.
> However, two years from today you won’t want her back if she continues to be with another man. Please believe me when I tell you she will be a person you don’t recognize once she believes you’re off the hook and are holding her accountable for her actions. I’m very sorry.
> It’s rare to have such a good relationship with one’s in laws. You sound like a good guy.
> 
> she isn’t


At this point there is no marriage to save. OP should be working on saving himself. 
The time to save this was upfront. Unfortunately his actions showed her she could disrespect him. Once that’s gone it’s permanent. Sorry. Life isn’t fair but you do have deal with it.


----------



## oldshirt

The Kodiak said:


> I know everyone has their own beliefs and personal experience. However I am very close to her parents. Her mom has assumed the role as my mom. I have lived with her parents for a year and her mom has lived with us for several months. I am also with her parents most weekends. I take vacations with her dad and I eat out with her mom once a week. To say they know me well is an understatement. Her parents know I am a good father and a good husband. My wife has done a lot of bad in this relationship, but she knows that I am a good husband and father too...Regardless of her actions. She also isn't the type of person to slander someone for personal gain. She may be a cheater, but she isn't vindictive or conniving.


OK but this all took place in the "before" time. 

As you said yourself, that was then, this is now. 

Her mom may have been a great mother in law while all was well. She may bake you your favorite cookies and fix your own special dressing without the celery at Thanksgiving. 

But at the end of the day she did not carry you in her womb or push you out her kootchie and nurse you at her teet. 

When the sht hits the fan, her parents are going to support her. Period. End of discussion. 

And you are also describing your wife from the "Before" time. She she is faced with possibly losing her marriage, losing her paycheck, losing 24/7 access to her children, losing her house and most likely losing her boyfriend,,,, she will become a shedevil that you could not have imagined. At some point she will lash out and she will use whatever weaponry she can think of. 

If this all does come to a head, she will become vindictive and conniving. 

Remember, she has not experienced any consequences or hardships or anything threatening her status quo yet. It's all been unicorns and butterflies for her so far. She's been having her cake and eating it too. The moment this all starts to become real and starts to have negative ramifications and she starts to actually lose things, she will transform.


----------



## oldshirt

The Kodiak said:


> Also in the off chance it does come down to slander. I have copies of a love letter written by the AP and phone records.


Keep all of that in a safe place (like your attorney's office) and have a number of copies.


----------



## oldshirt

Diana7 said:


> They have known him for many years, I am sure they know him well enough not to believe lies about him.


Even if they don't fully believe the lies, at the end of the day they will still support her. Son in laws come and go. Even the nice ones. But your child is always your child.


----------



## Evinrude58

Marc878 said:


> At this point there is no marriage to save. OP should be working on saving himself.
> The time to save this was upfront. Unfortunately his actions showed her she could disrespect him. Once that’s gone it’s permanent. Sorry. Life isn’t fair but you do have deal with it.


Sadly I think you’re right. It’s been going on for a year. What once was there, if ever, is gone. One can’t let their wife chase a man for a year and then choose to try to fix the marriage. Humpty Dumpty already got knocked down a while ago.


----------



## sideways

I stopped reading after you stated your relationship has been "great aside from the affair" and "she loves me". Umm NO. If your relationship was so "great" she wouldn't be having an affair and people who love one another don't do this. End of story.


----------



## Sfort

While I'm not necessarily adamant that you should tell her parents, I do see the benefit of doing so. But consider this: If there is nothing wrong with her affair, why would she object to you telling her parents? She may have already done so since it's just her playing savior. (There's sarcasm in the last sentence.)


----------



## Sfort

What did you learn from your meeting with the lawyer?


----------



## seadoug105

The Kodiak said:


> Problem though is we were supposed to buy their house in a month. I thought the best solution is to let them know that we will not be buying their house because of the situation and if the needed details they can talk to their daughter.


WAIT….

It might have already been asked and answered, but….

DOESN‘T POS OM LIVE NOT FAR FROM HER PARENTS??

So the plan *WAS* to sell your current house so she can move closer to her boyfriend?…..

Wow! This girl is a piece of work….


----------



## BigDaddyNY

The Kodiak said:


> I know everyone has their own beliefs and personal experience. However I am very close to her parents. Her mom has assumed the role as my mom. I have lived with her parents for a year and her mom has lived with us for several months. I am also with her parents most weekends. I take vacations with her dad and I eat out with her mom once a week. To say they know me well is an understatement. Her parents know I am a good father and a good husband. My wife has done a lot of bad in this relationship, but she knows that I am a good husband and father too...Regardless of her actions. She also isn't the type of person to slander someone for personal gain. She may be a cheater, but she isn't vindictive or conniving.


Your relationship with her parents and in particular her mom, is all the more reason to go talk to her. If she is like your mom you really should let her know what is going on. I think she may actually appreciate hearing it from you.


----------



## Evinrude58

seadoug105 said:


> WAIT….
> 
> It might have already been asked and answered, but….
> 
> DOESN‘T POS OM LIVE NOT FAR FROM HER PARENTS??
> 
> So the plan *WAS* to sell your current house so she can move closer to her boyfriend?…..
> 
> Wow! This girl is a piece of work….


I’m sure that was just a coincidence, lol.
You’re right, what an awful woman. As soon as op left for work, old Jody would be mowing his grass and drinking his beer. 
This person needs divorcing badly.


----------



## Diana7

Evinrude58 said:


> Are you serious? Some people can see NO wrong in their kids, no matter what they do. Believe their kid would lie?????? Whaaaasttt??? I disagree


Some maybe but many love their child in law.


----------



## The Kodiak

seadoug105 said:


> WAIT….
> 
> It might have already been asked and answered, but….
> 
> DOESN‘T POS OM LIVE NOT FAR FROM HER PARENTS??
> 
> So the plan *WAS* to sell your current house so she can move closer to her boyfriend?…..
> 
> Wow! This girl is a piece of work….


Yeah this was my problem from the beginning. This was the reason for divorcing as soon as we sell the house. The guy doesn't just live close to my in-laws. He live like 6 houses down from my In-laws on the same street in a sub-division. My plan was to sell the current house to get out of the area. The buying my in-laws house was her idea. I am not on board.


----------



## re16

seadoug105 said:


> WAIT….
> 
> It might have already been asked and answered, but….
> 
> DOESN‘T POS OM LIVE NOT FAR FROM HER PARENTS??
> 
> So the plan *WAS* to sell your current house so she can move closer to her boyfriend?…..
> 
> Wow! This girl is a piece of work….


You beat me to it... exactly what I was thinking... this really shows the extent of this...


----------



## jlg07

The Kodiak said:


> Yeah this was my problem from the beginning. This was the reason for divorcing as soon as we sell the house. The guy doesn't just live close to my in-laws. He live like 6 houses down from my In-laws on the same street in a sub-division. My plan was to sell the current house to get out of the area. The buying my in-laws house was her idea. I am not on board.


I think this is all the more reason to tell her parents what is going on, especially when you tell them that you are NOT buying there house -- tell the this as part of the reason why you will not be doing that and that is WHY you are divorcing her.


----------



## re16

The Kodiak said:


> Yeah this was my problem from the beginning. This was the reason for divorcing as soon as we sell the house. The guy doesn't just live close to my in-laws. He live like 6 houses down from my In-laws on the same street in a sub-division. My plan was to sell the current house to get out of the area. The buying my in-laws house was her idea. I am not on board.


Wow, that is bad and a much different situation.

OP, considering your close relationship with the inlaws, it is even more important that they hear it from you directly.

In most of these scenarios, no one expected their spouse capable of a history re-write... so don't trust her. I think she has the common cheater mentality and is capable of anything a cheater will do.


----------



## The Kodiak

Sfort said:


> What did you learn from your meeting with the lawyer?


Just finished the meeting with the lawyer. She is sure I will not have to pay alimony so that's good. As for the rest of what was said, I pretty much new from research. Our state is a community property no fault state. So all assets and liabilities will need to be split 50/50. As for child support, may not be so bad. Some places I researched said I would have to pay 30% of my income, but the plan as of now is to do a 50/50 split on custody so that 30% will be reduced. Other than that, All I need to do is pay the retainer and they submit the paperwork.


----------



## BigDaddyNY

The Kodiak said:


> Yeah this was my problem from the beginning. This was the reason for divorcing as soon as we sell the house. The guy doesn't just live close to my in-laws. He live like 6 houses down from my In-laws on the same street in a sub-division. My plan was to sell the current house to get out of the area. The buying my in-laws house was her idea. I am not on board.


Have you ever contacted the AP to tell him to stay the hell away from your wife?


----------



## re16

OP, does your wife ever visit her parents without you?:


----------



## The Kodiak

re16 said:


> OP, does your wife ever visit her parents without you?:


No we always go together. We are there most weekends. The weekends we don't, we either visit my parents or stay home.


----------



## re16

The Kodiak said:


> We are there most weekends.


With this guy being in such close communication with her, does he see her in person (with or without you) on any of these trips?

I'd be very concerned with that proximity, even a trip to the store....


----------



## The Kodiak

BigDaddyNY said:


> Have you ever contacted the AP to tell him to stay the hell away from your wife?


Yeah I had a conversation with him. Told him he was a POS for pursuing a married women.


re16 said:


> With this guy being in such close communication with her, does he see her in person (with or without you) on any of these trips?
> 
> I'd be very concerned with that proximity, even a trip to the store....


It's complicated. Yes he has contact with her through the his son and my daughter. However every time she sees him, My mother-in-law is there (She doesn't know and thinks they are just friends) or my 13 year old son is with them. There isn't and opportunity to sneak off without raising alarms. There contact is was through phone conversations at first and not facebook messenger.


----------



## BigDaddyNY

The Kodiak said:


> Yeah I had a conversation with him. Told him he was a POS for pursuing a married women.
> 
> It's complicated. Yes he has contact with her through the his son and my daughter. However every time she sees him, My mother-in-law is there (She doesn't know and thinks they are just friends) or my 13 year old son is with them. There isn't and opportunity to sneak off without raising alarms. There contact is was through phone conversations at first and not facebook messenger.


I really think you should talk to her mom. You've said she is like your own mom. She should know and I think it should come from you.


----------



## ThatDarnGuy!

There has been some good advice here. Obviously his so called wife is playing him for a fool..... But based on all the responses given, I highly doubt he will go through with this. I believe the moment she is served, she will get all loving, sleep with him, and promise things will be different if he calls it off. She will cut off contact for a month or two and then go right back.

I can't remember any other story like this on here. She is wide open about wanting to move closer to him, says she won't stop seeing him, and it's been going on for this long. I also cannot believe he doesn't think she is sleeping with the guy. 

I strongly urge you to seek therapy for issues with self confidence. No one deserves to be treated like this in a relationship of any kind. I also understand that being single and alone can be really lonely and painful. But this is absolutely beyond ridiculous.


----------



## Marc878

The Kodiak said:


> Yeah I had a conversation with him. Told him he was a POS for pursuing a married women.
> 
> It's complicated. Yes he has contact with her through the his son and my daughter. However every time she sees him, My mother-in-law is there (She doesn't know and thinks they are just friends) or my 13 year old son is with them. There isn't and opportunity to sneak off without raising alarms. There contact is was through phone conversations at first and not facebook messenger.


Don’t lie to your kids. Just tell them mom has a boyfriend (who he is). They are old enough to know the truth. So we can’t be married anymore. Keep it to a sanitized version. She’ll bring him into their lives immediately. You will have no control over that.
You don’t need her damn permission for anything. Help them hide their affair won’t get you a thing. What’s your actions or lack of gotten you so far?


----------



## Marc878

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> There has been some good advice here. Obviously his so called wife is playing him for a fool..... But based on all the responses given, I highly doubt he will go through with this. I believe the moment she is served, she will get all loving, sleep with him, and promise things will be different if he calls it off. She will cut off contact for a month or two and then go right back.
> 
> I can't remember any other story like this on here. She is wide open about wanting to move closer to him, says she won't stop seeing him, and it's been going on for this long. I also cannot believe he doesn't think she is sleeping with the guy.
> 
> I strongly urge you to seek therapy for issues with self confidence. No one deserves to be treated like this in a relationship of any kind. I also understand that being single and alone can be really lonely and painful. But this is absolutely beyond ridiculous.


Doormats get walked on.


----------



## The Kodiak

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> There has been some good advice here. Obviously his so called wife is playing him for a fool..... But based on all the responses given, I highly doubt he will go through with this. I believe the moment she is served, she will get all loving, sleep with him, and promise things will be different if he calls it off. She will cut off contact for a month or two and then go right back.
> 
> I can't remember any other story like this on here. She is wide open about wanting to move closer to him, says she won't stop seeing him, and it's been going on for this long. I also cannot believe he doesn't think she is sleeping with the guy.
> 
> I strongly urge you to seek therapy for issues with self confidence. No one deserves to be treated like this in a relationship of any kind. I also understand that being single and alone can be really lonely and painful. But this is absolutely beyond ridiculous.


No the problem since the beginning is she has never showed true remorse. She has never taken the steps to reconcile. If she had cut off all communication, made the effort to see a counselor, opened up her devices for me to inspect and so on then I wouldn't be on this site. Which to be honest when I first wrote my response a few days ago I was being naive. I was still looking at my relationship through the lens of my love and how I feel thinking it would be the same. But after having my ass handed to me by you guys, I have really took a step back and now view things differently. Now when I read your responses, I view things differently. I know I have been duped. I am now more sure about my future than ever, but I do still have a lot of difficult things to do like informing her parents, informing my kids and then finalizing the divorce. I know its not going to easy and after the divorce will be much harder, but I am ready for it.


----------



## TexasMom1216

The Kodiak said:


> No the problem since the beginning is she has never showed true remorse.


This is probably why members here are "handing your ass to you." They see you taking abuse you don't deserve and want you to stand up for yourself. It may seem harsh at the time, but it's done with good intent. 🙂


----------



## oldshirt

The Kodiak said:


> There isn't and opportunity to sneak off without raising alarms.


Oh Buddy if only you knew!

If they are both conscious and able to walk, then they have opportunity.

Real world affairs are not like in the movies with romantic candlelight dinners when the BS is out of town or the moonlight walks on the beach while away from home on a spiritual journey. 

Many real world trysts take place in literally minutes. 

It can be in the car behind the mall on a shopping trip or the back of a city park by the grocery store. It can be at a bedroom window looking out over the kids playing in the yard. 

Single people dating have dinners and movies and moonlight walks on the beach and strolls through the park. 

Married people scoring extra tail is subtle winks and nods pointing to the broom closet at work or the garden shed out in the yard while the kids are in the house or in the house while the kids are in the yard. 

In cases where it is family friends or neighbors etc, people can grab quick make out and grope sessions at a card party while the spouses are literally in the next room.


----------



## Diana7

The Kodiak said:


> No the problem since the beginning is she has never showed true remorse. She has never taken the steps to reconcile. If she had cut off all communication, made the effort to see a counselor, opened up her devices for me to inspect and so on then I wouldn't be on this site. Which to be honest when I first wrote my response a few days ago I was being naive. I was still looking at my relationship through the lens of my love and how I feel thinking it would be the same. But after having my ass handed to me by you guys, I have really took a step back and now view things differently. Now when I read your responses, I view things differently. I know I have been duped. I am now more sure about my future than ever, but I do still have a lot of difficult things to do like informing her parents, informing my kids and then finalizing the divorce. I know its not going to easy and after the divorce will be much harder, but I am ready for it.


Divorce effects so many people sadly. I am sure her parents will be devastated. 

Has your wife said anything more since you told her?


----------



## Casual Observer

TexasMom1216 said:


> This is probably why members here are "handing your ass to you." They see you taking abuse you don't deserve and want you to stand up for yourself. It may seem harsh at the time, but it's done with good intent. 🙂


I think a lot of it comes from simple disbelief. We keep waiting to hear something they can explain how she thinks she can get away with keeping both OM and her husband.

What if… what if OP were to simply ask, does she want an open marriage? Would that wake her up? And OP?


----------



## TexasMom1216

Casual Observer said:


> I think a lot of it comes from simple disbelief. We keep waiting to hear something they can explain how she thinks she can get away with keeping both OM and her husband.
> 
> What if… what if OP were to simply ask, does she want an open marriage? Would that wake her up? And OP?


Maybe he's afraid of the answer to that question.


----------



## oldshirt

Casual Observer said:


> What if… what if OP were to simply ask, does she want an open marriage? Would that wake her up? And OP?





TexasMom1216 said:


> Maybe he's afraid of the answer to that question.


He doesn’t need to ask her if she wants an open marriage because she already unilaterally opened it a year ago. 

He just hasn’t got the memo yet.


----------



## Casual Observer

TexasMom1216 said:


> Maybe he's afraid of the answer to that question.


But isn’t it just so simple and potentially obvious? She cannot deny that she’s living the definition. She has made a unilateral change in the marriage contract to being an open marriage. It is up to OP to decide if he’s ok with that.


----------



## TexasMom1216

Casual Observer said:


> But isn’t it just so simple and potentially obvious? She cannot deny that she’s living the definition. She has made a unilateral change in the marriage contract to being an open marriage. It is up to OP to decide if he’s ok with that.


Oh I agree. But once he asks that and gets a definitive answer, he’s going to have to deal with it. As long as he hides from that question he can cling to hopium. I get it, I am an avoider too. It doesn’t change that the healthy thing is to suck it up and face your problems.


----------



## TexasMom1216

oldshirt said:


> He doesn’t need to ask her if she wants an open marriage because she already unilaterally opened it a year ago.
> 
> He just hasn’t got the memo yet.


Or doesn’t want to face it. It’s heartbreaking. Of course so is what’s going on now, so…


----------



## oldshirt

oldshirt said:


> Real world affairs are not like in the movies with romantic candlelight dinners when the BS is out of town or the moonlight walks on the beach while away from home on a spiritual journey.
> 
> Many real world trysts take place in literally minutes.


@Kodiak I want to expand on this a little more as this seems like it is a real blindside for you. 

Affairs are often a completely different species and even different plane of reality than conventional dating and relationships.

They often do not begin and develop or manifest in the same manner as singles dating and relationships. 

Some workplace and friend circle affairs may develop organically over time as they are around each other and feelings develop over time. 

But for others it is simply a physical/sexual attraction that can take place in hours or even minutes where one takes the leap and the other takes the bait and once they have confirmed that the attraction is mutual, they are off to the races. 

Married people usually have the home and family and supportive partner and domestic life at home and so don’t need to care if someone else is a good partner or a good parent or a good provider etc etc. - all they care about is they find the other appealing and they make their heart go pitter pat. 

The only other thing they need a place where no one can see them. Some times literally only a handful of minutes. 

Most cheaters don’t want to leave their marriages, they just want some extra fun and excitement. They’re looking for additional and not replacement. 

As everyone has been noting they want the stability and security and support they have at home, but they also want the extra fun, excitement and orgasms from the AP. 

Your case is very damming and extra concerning. The fact you have known about this for a year and have done nothing and she has come right out and said she is not going to stop seeing him, and the fact you have confronted him and he continues to see her shows that this is a very deeply entrenched, well developed relationship. 

She isn’t just scoring some extra schlong on the side, she is living a double life. 

The chances of this not being physical is virtually nil. 

Women with minor children do not refuse to stop seeing the OM and risk divorce and losing the family home unless she is having strong orgasms and thinks she can have a life with the OM.

And an OM doesn’t continue to keep seeing a WW for a year and after the BH shows up on his doorstep unless he is not only getting tail but getting good tail and a lot of it. 

To think that this is not physical does not make mathematical sense,,, it just doesn’t add up. 

If you were to hire a PI that specializes in adultery cases, within a matter of days, you will have pictures and transcripts of emails and txts and tracking of their meet ups.


----------



## Evinrude58

It’s going on for a year. I can’t really understand how OP could have allowed this for so long, how is in denial that they’re slapping nasties, or how he could give her the option of seeing her OM.

I hope OP is finally ready to boot her.


----------



## Tested_by_stress

_No guy carries on a strictly emotional affair for a year. OP should have served her months ago. He also should have went all "cowboy" ( as he called it) on the slimy POS AP months ago. Hiding her affair from family for her is the ultimate in simp behavior. The wife is an incredibly low quality human being for inflicting this kind of emotional torture on her husband imho._


----------



## red oak

I read most. 
If the other man was a man he would quit ****ing with your wife’s head, and give your wife peace.
I knew a little prick like that once who was married and playing 2 of his wife’s friends who were sisters and ****ing all 3 unbeknownst to each other. 
Giving them all sob stories how he was abused as a kid to get their pity. 
Soon as he was able to make the “conquest” little son as a ***** would be done and move on.

Maybe a little loving husbandly, protective intervention!


----------



## red oak

I read some more. 
Hell no. If you want to keep it private here what you can do. Might check with attorney how to make ot court admissible evidence in your state first. 
Then Get a recorder get her to talking about having kids makes it difficult and being too stressful, the affair etc. all that you can get.
When you have enough make a copy and keep it somewhere safe. Then play it back and tell her straighten up or else you will get a divorce and take kids as you have her saying she can’t handle kids, and you will use it in divorce to get kids as you fear for their safety if they’re with her.

Never, ever, get rid of the recording, or other evidence until the kids are adults. 

Just my take.


----------



## Marc878

The Kodiak said:


> No the problem since the beginning is she has never showed true remorse. She has never taken the steps to reconcile. If she had cut off all communication, made the effort to see a counselor, opened up her devices for me to inspect and so on then I wouldn't be on this site. Which to be honest when I first wrote my response a few days ago I was being naive. I was still looking at my relationship through the lens of my love and how I feel thinking it would be the same. But after having my ass handed to me by you guys, I have really took a step back and now view things differently. Now when I read your responses, I view things differently. I know I have been duped. I am now more sure about my future than ever, but I do still have a lot of difficult things to do like informing her parents, informing my kids and then finalizing the divorce. I know its not going to easy and after the divorce will be much harder, but I am ready for it.


Yep, it’s tough. However, imagine staying where you are? Where do you want to be a year from now?
What do you have to do to get there? 
Life is short do you really want to waste more of it? 
Unfortunately your words won’t help much. For the most part only actions count.
Many do nothing hoping it’ll all go away. It doesn’t.
Life isn’t necessarily fair. You’ll either deal with it or keep yourself stuck. It’s all on you.


----------



## Cynthia

You cannot cut your wife off financially. That is called financial abuse and can get you into big trouble with the judge. An attorney can help you navigate this.
How is your wife doing in finding a job? Does she have skills and/or education for going back to work? When is the last time she had a job and what did she do? You might consider continuing to support her through school, so you won't have to support her for the rest of your life. One way or another, even if you keep her, she needs to get a job. Even if every last dime of her paycheck goes to childcare. She is not safe to be a homemaker.


----------



## Cynthia

red oak said:


> I read some more.
> Hell no. If you want to keep it private here what you can do. Might check with attorney how to make ot court admissible evidence in your state first.
> Then Get a recorder get her to talking about having kids makes it difficult and being too stressful, the affair etc. all that you can get.
> When you have enough make a copy and keep it somewhere safe. Then play it back and tell her straighten up or else you will get a divorce and take kids as you have her saying she can’t handle kids, and you will use it in divorce to get kids as you fear for their safety if they’re with her.
> 
> Never, ever, get rid of the recording, or other evidence until the kids are adults.
> 
> Just my take.


She has to know she is being recorded or it won't be admissible.


----------



## Evinrude58

Cynthia said:


> She has to know she is being recorded or it won't be admissible.


That depends. According to what state.
Just look at what J Depp is dealing with.


----------



## Cynthia

Diana7 said:


> Some maybe but many love their child in law.


True. My dad's family saw exactly what was happening when he left my mom for another woman. They did not enable him at all. They called him out. All Dad's siblings were at my mother's funeral. My parents had been divorced for over 30 years. My dad's family loved my mom like a sister. Even my grandmother adored my mom and carried on a relationship with her until she passed away.

I'm a hypocrite. I posted before I read the whole thread. 😬 I withdraw my suggestion that you support her through school, if you aren't going to have to pay alimony.

Why are you letting her have custody of the children?

I can now see that you are moving forward with divorce. That's a good move. This may wake her up, but I understand you still not wanting to move in a few doors down from OM or to be financially stuck with a mortgage with her, even if she truly repents. She's no longer trustworthy.


----------



## Night Owl1

The Kodiak said:


> So I have been to every self-help website, read blogs, read books and none of this really matches my predicament. So this started over a year ago. I won’t go into the whole story, but my wife started an emotional affair with my Daughter’s Friend’s single dad. I asked her to stop the affair and to work on our relationship. Which she said she would, but I know she still spoke to the dad often using Facebook messenger. So she really didn’t end the affair, but instead got more deceptive about it. For the last year, she didn’t want to talk about the affair or really try to resolve our problems. I mentioned marriage counseling a few times, but she never agreed. Two months ago I caught her talking to him again. At this point we both spoke about separation, but we are in the middle of getting our house ready to sell and wanted to wait until the sale was final. None of this seems out of the ordinary for a typical affair. But, this is where I become confused.
> Our relationship has been a great relationship, aside from the affair. She loves me and I love her. We both maintain good physical appearance. We both focus on the happiness of ourselves and each other. We tell each other we love each other often and we do those little things to show love often. If fact, if you look up what a healthy marriage should look like, we hit every milestone. Since we had the initial talk about separation, I have tried to have discussions about the logistics of it, to which she breaks down and says she doesn’t want to be without me. That she loves me so much and that she knows she wants to be with me, but she can’t help her feelings for this other man. I’ve know this woman for more than 15 years and I know her heart. She is incredible and I am completely infatuated with her. I know what she is telling me is the truth. She has such a big heart, which really led to the affair to begin with. She views the single dad as a project that she can save and his son has had a rough life and doesn’t have a mother. So she views herself as the mother the son never had. In fact if this single dad didn’t have the son this affair probably would have never started. I know what you are thinking, but this is the god’s honest truth. She fell for someone because she’s a nurturer and feels she is needed by them.
> I am not the best with trying to communicate exactly what is going on. But what I have gathered from communicating with her is that she has a deep seated issue about being a care-taker at times. Which led to unhappiness with having to take care of our three kids while I worked. In her words, “ If it were just me and you I would be happy.” I understand childhood trauma and the lingering affect that has on a person. This reason began the unhappiness. However she has a big heart and is usually drawn to people she can help. I know it’s a catch 22, but that’s who she is. She likes to help, but easily stressed out by helping and overwhelmed, but doesn’t feel complete unless she is helping. A type of “Damned if you, Damned if you don’t” scenario. This thinking led to the relationship to the person she would soon start the emotional affair. Then of course like all new relationships, your brain is being pumped with chemicals to make you feel good and the unhappiness disappears. Now she is afraid of being unhappy again and now its compounded because of the feelings for the new person and she doesn’t want to lose the feeling. She is afraid of hurting me and she is afraid of hurting the AP. Which puts her in a predicament. She knows that I don’t want an open relationship and neither does the AP. But because she can’t turn her feelings on and off she can’t move forward on making a decision.
> Every place I have researched says I need to work on myself, I need to give space, I need to be forgiving, I need to be a Man and put my foot down, if she doesn’t show remorse that the marriage isn’t worth saving and so on. However, I have never let myself go. I am active, successful, I have hobbies and friends, I am supportive of my wife and do all the things these websites/books said I should do. Also I have given her space and lots of it, but she doesn’t want space she wants me to love her. Which at one point pissed me off because I felt she was using me as an emotional crutch. I was her safe space while she was free to explore what she wanted. So at one point I started sleeping in our spare room and removed my love from the equation. Meaning I stopped saying I love you, loving on her and all the little things I do to show love. I just stopped being her partner and instead just became the roommate/co-parent. This lasted about a day before she threw herself at me and she said she doesn’t want to separate and the she needs me to love her. Remorse: she has never played the blame game with me and she shows plenty of remorse. She is just unable to turn off her feeling and I understand that. Going through these self-help books, blogs and websites doesn’t really help because my predicament doesn’t really fit the typical problems. My wife isn’t evil, untrustworthy, non-loving. She has been upfront with mostly everything and if I ask she gives an honest answer. She is as confused as I am about the whole ordeal. Also I made the mistake of making a post on some blog about the affair to which point a bunch of insecure men start talking about beta this and alpha that. So I went down the rabbit hole researching this and it was a joke! These guys are making presumptions based off their own failures. So I am not looking for advice on what kind of man to be. I am a really good “Man” and secure with what/who I am. Also before sex is brought up. Sex is not an issue here…it’s purely emotional.
> What I am looking for is advice on what to do next. I am not ready to give up on my wife. I am not ready to walk away and I know she isn’t ready to walk away either. I know she made a mistake and it was a mistake I could have easily made any time in our relationship. However now she has this person she cares for and unwilling to give them up. She can’t help the feelings she has and just quitting cold turkey wouldn’t stop the love. Sure I could walk away and tear our family apart, but what does that really prove? I mean I know where I stand in the relationship. I know how she feels about me and there is no doubt in my mind our relationship was built to last. I am also not a push over, just really empathetic to her feelings. Just reaching out the internet to see if anyone else has been in this situation.


I advise you to continue your counseling. I do not believe your wife is faithful. Infidelity occurs in many forms. You can choose to stay, certainly that’s an option and many people do that for many reasons, money, family, children, or convenience. However, be realistic. If your wife truly loved and respected you, this would never have happened. Marriage is a business and a partnership. She is a narcissist. You sound codependent. I’m not sure what kind of advice you really need. I tried to keep my marriage together after an affair and wasted half my life. Lost everything. He would have stayed forever but I just couldn’t live with the lies anymore. I started my new life at 48. Needless to say, I work harder today than ever before but at least I’m not worried about sexually transmitted diseases! There’s a lot of peace now and I’m in control of my destiny. You think you know someone but you never really do. You only know yourself… good luck 🍀


----------



## jlg07

Evinrude58 said:


> That depends. According to what state.
> Just look at what J Depp is dealing with.





https://www.adayinourshoes.com/wp-content/uploads/Recording-Laws-for-all-50-States.pdf



Most states are one-party consent, and if HE is in the conversation, that's all that is required.


----------



## The Kodiak

Update on this. 
So I finally told her mom about what is going on. She was asking me about the house and I told her that it's not a good idea that we buy their house. So she asked why and I told her everything. She was both sad and angry. She said she had a suspicion and told her daughter to stay away from the other guy and that my wife said there was nothing to worry about. That they were just friends. Her mom called me to let me know that they listed the house with a realtor and put it in the market today. My Mother-In-Law also confronted the other guy today. Told him to leave her alone.


----------



## seadoug105

The Kodiak said:


> Update on this.
> So I finally told her mom about what is going on. She was asking me about the house and I told her that it's not a good idea that we buy their house. So she asked why and I told her everything. She was both sad and angry. She said she had a suspicion and told her daughter to stay away from the other guy and that my wife said there was nothing to worry about. That they were just friends. Her mom called me to let me know that they listed the house with a realtor and put it in the market today. My Mother-In-Law also confronted the other guy today. Told him to leave her alone.


Exposure is your friend!


----------



## Cynthia

It's good that the truth is finally out and that her mother believes you.


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## Marc878

The Kodiak said:


> Update on this.
> So I finally told her mom about what is going on. She was asking me about the house and I told her that it's not a good idea that we buy their house. So she asked why and I told her everything. She was both sad and angry. She said she had a suspicion and told her daughter to stay away from the other guy and that my wife said there was nothing to worry about. That they were just friends. Her mom called me to let me know that they listed the house with a realtor and put it in the market today. My Mother-In-Law also confronted the other guy today. Told him to leave her alone.


Good. It’s not your job to help hide her affair.
BTW, we’re just friends is the biggest lie cheaters tell.
Sorry man, but your actions or lack of are just enabling your cheating wife.


----------



## Marc878

The Kodiak said:


> It was basically the same as it has been the entire time. She shows remorse and cries about the thought of losing me and says she doesn't want to lose me, but then becomes defensive about the need for her to end the relationship with the other man. She then states that she can't just simply walk away from the other man. So i told her that I am not interested in an open relationship and only open to a relationship between me and her only/
> I have been viewing our future through the lens of how we were prior to the affair, but realized that our relationship isn't the same anymore. I told her I have start viewing the future for what is best for me rather than Us.
> She said she needed time to think and I told her I understood and left.


Nope, those tears are for her not you. She doesn’t want you gone until she’s sure her affair partner is solid. 
Cake eaters love cake. Right now she has the best of both worlds. You for security and her new boyfriend for love. 
Most often an EA with any physical contact is a physical/sexual affair. 
I hope you fully awaken. You need to.


----------



## Marc878

The Kodiak said:


> Pretty much what I gathered out of the conversation. It's not that she can't she is unwilling to end it. As I told her last night. It doesn't even matter at this point if she decides to give him up. She has had a year to think on it. She has had a year of all the emotional turmoil she put me through to come to her senses. She saw the pain it was causing me and she did nothing. She literally did nothing. All the while she talks about how much she loves me and cares for me. How much she doesn't want to lose me. But you don't do this to people you love and care for. If she was afraid of losing me then she should have taken action. It's common for people to cheat, know they did wrong, show remorse and do absolutely everything they can to save the marriage, but only if they truly care for their spouse. What she has done is the exact opposite.
> I am still mixed up on exposing her to her parents. I come from a very dysfunctional family with a step mom that is purely evil. I literally tell my parents nothing about my personal life so they have zero **** to talk about. Not sure how to expose someone to their parents when it fundamentally feels wrong to me.


Her words are BS. Her actions tell you everything you need to know.Drop your hopium pipe or linger in infidelity.
Most betrayed spouses in your situation want to believe badly it’s only an EA but adults don’t just have an EA for a year without hooking up.


----------



## Marc878

The Kodiak said:


> Just finished the meeting with the lawyer. She is sure I will not have to pay alimony so that's good. As for the rest of what was said, I pretty much new from research. Our state is a community property no fault state. So all assets and liabilities will need to be split 50/50. As for child support, may not be so bad. Some places I researched said I would have to pay 30% of my income, but the plan as of now is to do a 50/50 split on custody so that 30% will be reduced. Other than that, All I need to do is pay the retainer and they submit the paperwork.


What isn’t apparent to you yet but let’s say she drops her boyfriend. What are you getting back? Will she do it again? Repeated infidelity is not uncommon. Infidelity is a lifelong gift than never fully goes away. 
You’ve let yourself be abused for a year and done nothing.
From what I see you are your biggest problem. That’s what you need to fix. You can not fix your wife.
It may help if you download and read “No More Mr Nice Guy’” by glover. It’s a free pdf and short.


----------



## Marc878

The Kodiak said:


> No we always go together. We are there most weekends. The weekends we don't, we either visit my parents or stay home.


Sorry man but all cheaters seem to find a way. Unless you are with her 24/7 you really don’t know.
Adults in close proximity to each other don’t just have an EA for a year.
Cheaters tend to stop sex with their spouses in an affair. They don’t want to cheat on their new lover. How’s your sex life? I know it seems harsh but reality is not pleasant.


----------



## Marc878

TexasMom1216 said:


> Oh I agree. But once he asks that and gets a definitive answer, he’s going to have to deal with it. As long as he hides from that question he can cling to hopium. I get it, I am an avoider too. It doesn’t change that the healthy thing is to suck it up and face your problems.


Not really. A lot can’t make a decision. This has been going on for a year. It’s not uncommon for a betrayed spouse to keep themselves in limbo indefinitely.


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## The Kodiak

Marc878 said:


> Sorry man but all cheaters seem to find a way. Unless you are with her 24/7 you really don’t know.
> Adults in close proximity to each other don’t just have an EA for a year.
> Cheaters tend to stop sex with their spouses in an affair. They don’t want to cheat on their new lover. How’s your sex life? I know it seems harsh but reality is not pleasant.


That was the hang up for me. Sex life is great. On a bad week, every other day. Some days I might get it 3 times in one day. We have sex often and she initiates a lot of times. But then it has me thinking she is using me to play out her sexual fantasies with this other dude. If she says they are truly not having sex, then I’m the fill in at this point for the imagination. But like you guys said it’s been a year and half. No guy is waiting around for that long, and says they love someone, if they aren’t getting any.[/QUOTE]


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## Rob_1

The Kodiak said:


> me





The Kodiak said:


> Sex life is great. On a bad week, every other day.


So, you're keeping her? You're staying in a marriage with a woman that is in love with another man?

I mean you say sex is great now, which mean you're still in a relationship with her. What happened with the lawyer and serving divorce papers to your wife?

I just can't understand a man that knowing that his woman is in love with another man is having sex with her. FFS, that's pathetic. She would be out my life already.


----------



## Marc878

The Kodiak said:


> That was the hang up for me. Sex life is great. On a bad week, every other day. Some days I might get it 3 times in one day. We have sex often and she initiates a lot of times. But then it has me thinking she is using me to play out her sexual fantasies with this other dude. If she says they are truly not having sex, then I’m the fill in at this point for the imagination. But like you guys said it’s been a year and half. No guy is waiting around for that long, and says they love someone, if they aren’t getting any.


[/QUOTE]
How you are living is unhealthy to say the least. You do realize you are the only one keeping yourself in this situation. Correct?

She’s made a decision to bring another man into her life at your expense. There are no good reasons or excuses for her behavior. Let her go and stop dragging this 600lb piano around.
Stop being your own worst enemy. Concentrate on actions. Her words are meaningless.


----------



## L4L

Evinrude58 said:


> You are wrong. Her live for you is not so strong that she can’t keep herself from other men. It’s not that strong at all. You are mistakenly thinking that she loves you because you love her.
> 
> She’s not confused, you are. You’re certain she’s not having sex with this guy? It’s doubtful she isn’t. A woman doesn’t bust up her marriage over a guy she’s not sexually involved with.
> 
> you think it’s about you? Whether you’re fit, successful, handsome, fun to be with, how you treat her????? No! It’s all about her and her feelings for another man. Apparently you don’t count for much. Because a separation is just a way for her to date and yes, have sex with another man. “Oh no, we’ve talked about that and that isn’t what she wants at all”…. Yeah, it is. Actions speak louder than words.
> 
> What to do: File for divorce. Do NOT separate and give her full opportunity to bang this guy at her leisure while you foot the bills.
> 
> If you separate, do it after you file.
> You love a woman that wants another man. Don’t do that to yourself. If you aren’t willing to lose your marriage over your wife screwing another man, you will lose your marriage. Guaranteed . Absolute metaphysical certitude.
> 
> The only thing you wrote that’s accurate is that you should man up and divorce her. Divorcing her is the only hope you have.
> 
> Until she sees you’re gone, she’s going to eat cake. And even if you’re too naive to believe it, she’s having sex with the guy, or at the very least intends to. 99% chance she already is.
> 
> All the bs psycho Babble she’s shoveling you is just bs.


That was very harshly put. You've literally just belittled him and his feelings. You can't tell someone they are wrong to feel the way they do and what they are going through. No empathy or compassion in your response whatsoever. It felt cruel.


----------



## The Kodiak

Rob_1 said:


> So, you're keeping her? You're staying in a marriage with a woman that is in love with another man?
> 
> I mean you say sex is great now, which mean you're still in a relationship with her. What happened with the lawyer and serving divorce papers to your wife?
> 
> I just can't understand a man that knowing that his woman is in love with another man is having sex with her. FFS, that's pathetic. She would be out my life already.


No! This has been going on for a year and a half. I meant that sex was great the entire time, up until the point where I posted this the first time. I am still following through with the divorce. The last bit that was left undone was telling her parents and I did that this weekend. Now I wait for the allotted time until I can finalize.


----------



## BigDaddyNY

The Kodiak said:


> Update on this.
> So I finally told her mom about what is going on. She was asking me about the house and I told her that it's not a good idea that we buy their house. So she asked why and I told her everything. She was both sad and angry. She said she had a suspicion and told her daughter to stay away from the other guy and that my wife said there was nothing to worry about. That they were just friends. Her mom called me to let me know that they listed the house with a realtor and put it in the market today. My Mother-In-Law also confronted the other guy today. Told him to leave her alone.


I think it was a smart move to tell her mother what was going on, but do you really think it will make a difference that stick? Does her mother agree with you that their "friendship" is totally inappropriate?


----------



## BigDaddyNY

L4L said:


> That was very harshly put. You've literally just belittled him and his feelings. You can't tell someone they are wrong to feel the way they do and what they are going through. No empathy or compassion in your response whatsoever. It felt cruel.


Actually it was a very strong dose of reality.


----------



## Openminded

L4L said:


> That was very harshly put. You've literally just belittled him and his feelings. You can't tell someone they are wrong to feel the way they do and what they are going through. No empathy or compassion in your response whatsoever. It felt cruel.


It’s called a 2 x 4 and they tend to wake people up (if they can be).


----------



## BigDaddyNY

L4L said:


> "That's pathetic"? Shaming someone in pain looking fo
> 
> Hi, thanks for sharing your story. It appears you have been through alot emotionally and the love and compassion you show for your spouse is quite outstanding. Not many people could do what you are doing. Don’t be put off by the judgment and shaming from others. It says more about them as people than it does about you. This is a support forum and i think people forget that!!
> It definitely appears like your wife is confused about her own emotions in all of this. Have you tried marriage counselling? It is something i would highly recommend as it will give you both a space to figure out all of the emotions and where to go moving forward?


It is a bit more than simple confusion. She has been telling another man she loves him for over a year, she regularly meets up with him for playdates with the kids and she has been working on getting her husband to buy a house closer to this man. That is a whole lot of confusion.


----------



## Rob_1

The Kodiak said:


> No! This has been going on for a year and a half. I meant that sex was great the entire time, up until the point where I posted this the first time. I am still following through with the divorce. The last bit that was left undone was telling her parents and I did that this weekend. Now I wait for the allotted time until I can finalize.


Thanks for clarifying. I misunderstood that you were still romantically involved with her; which to me that has to be a gut wrenching, heart aching feeling of despair knowing that while you're making love to her, most probably she's thinking of the other man.


----------



## Rob_1

L4L said:


> "That's pathetic"? Shaming someone in pain looking fo


Your comment is the pathetic one. I think that you should read and comprehend what you're reading before you start with your big accusatory fingers.


----------



## Cynthia

The Kodiak said:


> No! This has been going on for a year and a half. I meant that sex was great the entire time, up until the point where I posted this the first time. I am still following through with the divorce. The last bit that was left undone was telling her parents and I did that this weekend. Now I wait for the allotted time until I can finalize.


Thanks for clarifying. I was going to go back and read again, because I thought I had forgotten what happened. lol

It's very good that you outed her to her family. They need to be aware of what she's up to. She needs to be accountable for her behavior. Remember that she has lied not only to you, but also to her mother. Her actions are on her 100%.


----------



## The Kodiak

L4L said:


> "That's pathetic"? Shaming someone in pain looking fo
> 
> Hi, thanks for sharing your story. It appears you have been through alot emotionally and the love and compassion you show for your spouse is quite outstanding. Not many people could do what you are doing. Don’t be put off by the judgment and shaming from others. It says more about them as people than it does about you. This is a support forum and i think people forget that!!
> It definitely appears like your wife is confused about her own emotions in all of this. Have you tried marriage counselling? It is something i would highly recommend as it will give you both a space to figure out all of the emotions and where to go moving forward?


When I first wrote this post the affair had been going on for a year and a half. My wife claims she quite it, but I found out she was secretly talking to him after she supposedly quit the affair. I have been through every emotion in the last year and couldn't understand at the time I started this post how a woman could say she loves me with her whole heart and care for me, but continue to have an affair and also say she's in love with another man. I thought my situation was unique because of the way my wife acted around me and how she still wanted me. I thought she was just confused and maybe she really is. I felt the need to fight for my marriage and by sticking by her side I could prove that I was the man she is supposed to be.
However That was then. After posting my story and receiving so much feed back from the people on this site it opened my eyes on how I was being manipulated. How my actions said the exact opposite of what I wanted. How my actions were contributing to the affair and how I wasn't in fact being the man I wanted to be. 
In the last month, I met a lawyer and filed, I exposed the affair to my wife's parents and now I am getting my ducks in a row for the finality of it. For the last month my wife has tried everything she could to keep here. With tears, Loving gestures and what not she continues to try to manipulate me into staying. Yet she still hasn't quit the affair and doubles down on her love for the other man. So it's beyond repair for me. Marriage counseling could have been an option and I had tried to get her to go a few times, but she wasn't interested. I signed us both up for individual counseling and she went one week and never went back. All of her actions directly contradict the story she has been telling me. So there isn't anything left for me here and it is time to move on.


----------



## blackclover3

The Kodiak said:


> When I first wrote this post the affair had been going on for a year and a half. My wife claims she quite it, but I found out she was secretly talking to him after she supposedly quit the affair. I have been through every emotion in the last year and couldn't understand at the time I started this post how a woman could say she loves me with her whole heart and care for me, but continue to have an affair and also say she's in love with another man. I thought my situation was unique because of the way my wife acted around me and how she still wanted me. I thought she was just confused and maybe she really is. I felt the need to fight for my marriage and by sticking by her side I could prove that I was the man she is supposed to be.
> However That was then. After posting my story and receiving so much feed back from the people on this site it opened my eyes on how I was being manipulated. How my actions said the exact opposite of what I wanted. How my actions were contributing to the affair and how I wasn't in fact being the man I wanted to be.
> In the last month, I met a lawyer and filed, I exposed the affair to my wife's parents and now I am getting my ducks in a row for the finality of it. For the last month my wife has tried everything she could to keep here. With tears, Loving gestures and what not she continues to try to manipulate me into staying. Yet she still hasn't quit the affair and doubles down on her love for the other man. So it's beyond repair for me. Marriage counseling could have been an option and I had tried to get her to go a few times, but she wasn't interested. I signed us both up for individual counseling and she went one week and never went back. All of her actions directly contradict the story she has been telling me. So there isn't anything left for me here and it is time to move on.


she is just trying to buy her time until the other man decide and be with her. the other man is using her for sex and she is buying it. I bet you anything if the other man asks her to be together she will leave you and be with him, if not even kick you our of the house and move him in. 

your ExWife is using you as a backup plan and financial provider. she is spending your money, time, body and health on him. 

stop talking to her and make sure you record every conversation and have a recorder on you all the time. I will not be surprised that she calls the police and accuse of something if you move forward with the divorce.


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## The Kodiak

BigDaddyNY said:


> I think it was a smart move to tell her mother what was going on, but do you really think it will make a difference that stick? Does her mother agree with you that their "friendship" is totally inappropriate?


Her mom knows the full story about the affair. She now knows that it was not a friendship and that her intuition in the beginning was correct. My mother-in-law went to the guys house yesterday and had a long chat with him about how he is a piece of **** for destroying a family and how her daughter is a piece of **** for allowing her family to be destroyed. My mother-in-law fully supports my choice of getting a divorce. She told me yesterday that I gave her daughter the moon and if that wasn't good enough then she deserves to be miserable.


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## Cynthia

The Kodiak said:


> When I first wrote this post the affair had been going on for a year and a half. My wife claims she quite it, but I found out she was secretly talking to him after she supposedly quit the affair. I have been through every emotion in the last year and couldn't understand at the time I started this post how a woman could say she loves me with her whole heart and care for me, but continue to have an affair and also say she's in love with another man. I thought my situation was unique because of the way my wife acted around me and how she still wanted me. I thought she was just confused and maybe she really is. I felt the need to fight for my marriage and by sticking by her side I could prove that I was the man she is supposed to be.
> However That was then. After posting my story and receiving so much feed back from the people on this site it opened my eyes on how I was being manipulated. How my actions said the exact opposite of what I wanted. How my actions were contributing to the affair and how I wasn't in fact being the man I wanted to be.
> In the last month, I met a lawyer and filed, I exposed the affair to my wife's parents and now I am getting my ducks in a row for the finality of it. For the last month my wife has tried everything she could to keep here. With tears, Loving gestures and what not she continues to try to manipulate me into staying. Yet she still hasn't quit the affair and doubles down on her love for the other man. So it's beyond repair for me. Marriage counseling could have been an option and I had tried to get her to go a few times, but she wasn't interested. I signed us both up for individual counseling and she went one week and never went back. All of her actions directly contradict the story she has been telling me. So there isn't anything left for me here and it is time to move on.


Good job. I know it probably doesn't feel like it right now, but you are doing fine. Keep moving forward. This nightmare won't last forever.


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## BigDaddyNY

L4L said:


> No it wasn't, what do you know or any of us know about his reality. You judged, brought in your own emotions and went straight to judging and shaming. *This is a support forum, not a hate forum.*


The bolded sentence is absolutely true. However, the comment you are condemning was supportive, not hateful. Many, many, many, people come here in a state of shock and delusion. The love they still hold for a partner that cheated on them leaves them in a fog of denial and they can't fully understand what is happening. Those that have already been through it are just giving them an understanding of the situation they are really in. It is the old 2x4 to the head they need to wake up out of that delusional state. You may not like it, but it is often needed to allow them to see the truth.


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## L4L

BigDaddyNY said:


> The bolded sentence is absolutely true. However, the comment you are condemning was supportive, not hateful. Many, many, many, people come here in a state of shock and delusion. The love they still hold for a partner that cheated on them leaves them in a fog of denial and they can't fully understand what is happening. Those that have already been through it are just giving them an understanding of the situation they are really in. It is the old 2x4 to the head they need to wake up out of that delusional state. You may not like it, but it is often needed to allow them to see the truth.


I have been through all of that, Infidelity, ending my marriage etc...and been on the receiving end of harsh comments. I still don't agree with the harshness and neither do they from speaking with alot of them. There is a way to say something meaningful through compassion.


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## BigDaddyNY

L4L said:


> Are you on here to genuinely help people or is this just a fun narcissistic hobby for you?


His comment is spot on. There are many that come here that need a wakeup call. There are some that are harsher than they probably need to be, but deluded people can be very stubborn. I also feel that your apparent style and approach will lead to nothing more than "you do what yo think is best for you". Problem is, most coming here aren't thinking clearly and/or don't have the experience to understand what is going on and all the kind talk in the world won't get through to them.


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## MattMatt

BigDaddyNY said:


> His comment is spot on. There are many that come here that need a wakeup call. There are some that are harsher than they probably need to be, but deluded people can be very stubborn. I also feel that your apparent style and approach will lead to nothing more than "you do what yo think is best for you". Problem is, most coming here aren't thinking clearly and/or don't have the experience to understand what is going on and all the kind talk in the world won't get through to them.


His comment was deleted as not being appropriate.


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## BigDaddyNY

MattMatt said:


> His comment was deleted as not being appropriate.


I'm not sure what was inappropriate, but your call.


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## Marc878

The Kodiak said:


> When I first wrote this post the affair had been going on for a year and a half. My wife claims she quite it, but I found out she was secretly talking to him after she supposedly quit the affair. I have been through every emotion in the last year and couldn't understand at the time I started this post how a woman could say she loves me with her whole heart and care for me, but continue to have an affair and also say she's in love with another man. I thought my situation was unique because of the way my wife acted around me and how she still wanted me. I thought she was just confused and maybe she really is. I felt the need to fight for my marriage and by sticking by her side I could prove that I was the man she is supposed to be.
> However That was then. After posting my story and receiving so much feed back from the people on this site it opened my eyes on how I was being manipulated. How my actions said the exact opposite of what I wanted. How my actions were contributing to the affair and how I wasn't in fact being the man I wanted to be.
> In the last month, I met a lawyer and filed, I exposed the affair to my wife's parents and now I am getting my ducks in a row for the finality of it. For the last month my wife has tried everything she could to keep here. With tears, Loving gestures and what not she continues to try to manipulate me into staying. Yet she still hasn't quit the affair and doubles down on her love for the other man. So it's beyond repair for me. Marriage counseling could have been an option and I had tried to get her to go a few times, but she wasn't interested. I signed us both up for individual counseling and she went one week and never went back. All of her actions directly contradict the story she has been telling me. So there isn't anything left for me here and it is time to move on.


Marriage counseling in this scenario is probably worthless. A lot of MC’s are rugsweepers. 
You see a lot jump into marriage counseling because they can’t make a decision to not tolerate infidelity. 
In essence they want someone else to fix their problems because they can’t or won’t address it. 
From what I’ve seen unless you get strong upfront and stay there it’s a losing battle. It may not have made a difference anyway but you suffered needlessly for 1.5 years. 
You can’t change the past but you can learn from it. Never sit back and help hide your spouses affair. All that does is enable it further.


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## Marc878

The Kodiak said:


> Her mom knows the full story about the affair. She now knows that it was not a friendship and that her intuition in the beginning was correct. My mother-in-law went to the guys house yesterday and had a long chat with him about how he is a piece of *** for destroying a family and how her daughter is a piece of *** for allowing her family to be destroyed. My mother-in-law fully supports my choice of getting a divorce. She told me yesterday that I gave her daughter the moon and if that wasn't good enough then she deserves to be miserable.


I’m glad your MIL is on your side. Most often blood is thicker than water. 
*Your wife’s boyfriend is not the main problem.* He was only taking what your wayward wife was willingly giving him. 
It might be a good idea for you to get some individual counseling. Learn to stand up for yourself.
You didn’t deserve what you’ve taken for the last year and a half. If you want a better life fix that.


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## Marc878

Be prepared.
Your MIL may try and get you to take her daughter back. It is her daughter and grandchildren.
When someone shows you who they really are. Believe them! 
You count. This is your life too.


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## Marc878

Upfront a lot in your situation just want them back without giving a thought about what they’re getting back. 
Repeated infidelity is not uncommon. Plus infidelity is a life long gift. 
I doubt this is over. I would bet now that your MIL is involved she’ll intervene and try to fix this. It would be at your expense.


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## MattMatt

The Kodiak said:


> So I have been to every self-help website, read blogs, read books and none of this really matches my predicament. So this started over a year ago. I won’t go into the whole story, but my wife started an emotional affair with my Daughter’s Friend’s single dad. I asked her to stop the affair and to work on our relationship. Which she said she would, but I know she still spoke to the dad often using Facebook messenger. So she really didn’t end the affair, but instead got more deceptive about it. For the last year, she didn’t want to talk about the affair or really try to resolve our problems. I mentioned marriage counseling a few times, but she never agreed. Two months ago I caught her talking to him again. At this point we both spoke about separation, but we are in the middle of getting our house ready to sell and wanted to wait until the sale was final. None of this seems out of the ordinary for a typical affair. But, this is where I become confused.
> Our relationship has been a great relationship, aside from the affair. She loves me and I love her. We both maintain good physical appearance. We both focus on the happiness of ourselves and each other. We tell each other we love each other often and we do those little things to show love often. If fact, if you look up what a healthy marriage should look like, we hit every milestone. Since we had the initial talk about separation, I have tried to have discussions about the logistics of it, to which she breaks down and says she doesn’t want to be without me. That she loves me so much and that she knows she wants to be with me, but she can’t help her feelings for this other man. I’ve know this woman for more than 15 years and I know her heart. She is incredible and I am completely infatuated with her. I know what she is telling me is the truth. She has such a big heart, which really led to the affair to begin with. She views the single dad as a project that she can save and his son has had a rough life and doesn’t have a mother. So she views herself as the mother the son never had. In fact if this single dad didn’t have the son this affair probably would have never started. I know what you are thinking, but this is the god’s honest truth. She fell for someone because she’s a nurturer and feels she is needed by them.
> I am not the best with trying to communicate exactly what is going on. But what I have gathered from communicating with her is that she has a deep seated issue about being a care-taker at times. Which led to unhappiness with having to take care of our three kids while I worked. In her words, “ If it were just me and you I would be happy.” I understand childhood trauma and the lingering affect that has on a person. This reason began the unhappiness. However she has a big heart and is usually drawn to people she can help. I know it’s a catch 22, but that’s who she is. She likes to help, but easily stressed out by helping and overwhelmed, but doesn’t feel complete unless she is helping. A type of “Damned if you, Damned if you don’t” scenario. This thinking led to the relationship to the person she would soon start the emotional affair. Then of course like all new relationships, your brain is being pumped with chemicals to make you feel good and the unhappiness disappears. Now she is afraid of being unhappy again and now its compounded because of the feelings for the new person and she doesn’t want to lose the feeling. She is afraid of hurting me and she is afraid of hurting the AP. Which puts her in a predicament. She knows that I don’t want an open relationship and neither does the AP. But because she can’t turn her feelings on and off she can’t move forward on making a decision.
> Every place I have researched says I need to work on myself, I need to give space, I need to be forgiving, I need to be a Man and put my foot down, if she doesn’t show remorse that the marriage isn’t worth saving and so on. However, I have never let myself go. I am active, successful, I have hobbies and friends, I am supportive of my wife and do all the things these websites/books said I should do. Also I have given her space and lots of it, but she doesn’t want space she wants me to love her. Which at one point pissed me off because I felt she was using me as an emotional crutch. I was her safe space while she was free to explore what she wanted. So at one point I started sleeping in our spare room and removed my love from the equation. Meaning I stopped saying I love you, loving on her and all the little things I do to show love. I just stopped being her partner and instead just became the roommate/co-parent. This lasted about a day before she threw herself at me and she said she doesn’t want to separate and the she needs me to love her. Remorse: she has never played the blame game with me and she shows plenty of remorse. She is just unable to turn off her feeling and I understand that. Going through these self-help books, blogs and websites doesn’t really help because my predicament doesn’t really fit the typical problems. My wife isn’t evil, untrustworthy, non-loving. She has been upfront with mostly everything and if I ask she gives an honest answer. She is as confused as I am about the whole ordeal. Also I made the mistake of making a post on some blog about the affair to which point a bunch of insecure men start talking about beta this and alpha that. So I went down the rabbit hole researching this and it was a joke! These guys are making presumptions based off their own failures. So I am not looking for advice on what kind of man to be. I am a really good “Man” and secure with what/who I am. Also before sex is brought up. Sex is not an issue here…it’s purely emotional.
> What I am looking for is advice on what to do next. I am not ready to give up on my wife. I am not ready to walk away and I know she isn’t ready to walk away either. I know she made a mistake and it was a mistake I could have easily made any time in our relationship. However now she has this person she cares for and unwilling to give them up. She can’t help the feelings she has and just quitting cold turkey wouldn’t stop the love. Sure I could walk away and tear our family apart, but what does that really prove? I mean I know where I stand in the relationship. I know how she feels about me and there is no doubt in my mind our relationship was built to last. I am also not a push over, just really empathetic to her feelings. Just reaching out the internet to see if anyone else has been in this situation.


So, supermom is cheating on you with her lover and also cheating on her own three children with her lover's child?  Unbelievable! 

Some people on TAM will be surprised by what I am going to say, as I have a reputation for always counselling people to go for reconciliation. But in your case I think the depths of her betrayal of you and her own family are far too egregious. You should file for divorce ASAP. And go for full custody of your children. After all, she has her new project family to keep her busy so you getting full custody would be a blessing to her.


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## In Absentia

The problem is that the OP, with his "infatuation" blinkers, allowed his wife's behaviour to go on for ages, until she didn't really believe he would divorce her. She was going to have both! Clever lady too, giving the OP sex 3 times a day, probably imagining she was having sex with her lover... anyway, I feel sorry for the children.


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## Landofblue

How old is your daughter. Does she know what your wife is doing with her friend’s dad?


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## Robert22205

The OM is probably looking forward to spending your wife's share of the proceeds from the sale of the house.

All you can do is protect yourself (filing for divorce) and live the best version of your own life. We've seen this before. Somehow your wife changed. She's not the girl you married.

IMO under the circumstances it's reasonable for you to assume your wife committed adultery; and as a result of her behavior it's her obligation to prove she's been faithful (not yours).


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## truststone

The Kodiak said:


> When I first wrote this post the affair had been going on for a year and a half. My wife claims she quite it, but I found out she was secretly talking to him after she supposedly quit the affair. I have been through every emotion in the last year and couldn't understand at the time I started this post how a woman could say she loves me with her whole heart and care for me, but continue to have an affair and also say she's in love with another man. I thought my situation was unique because of the way my wife acted around me and how she still wanted me. I thought she was just confused and maybe she really is. I felt the need to fight for my marriage and by sticking by her side I could prove that I was the man she is supposed to be.
> However That was then. After posting my story and receiving so much feed back from the people on this site it opened my eyes on how I was being manipulated. How my actions said the exact opposite of what I wanted. How my actions were contributing to the affair and how I wasn't in fact being the man I wanted to be.
> In the last month, I met a lawyer and filed, I exposed the affair to my wife's parents and now I am getting my ducks in a row for the finality of it. For the last month my wife has tried everything she could to keep here. With tears, Loving gestures and what not she continues to try to manipulate me into staying. Yet she still hasn't quit the affair and doubles down on her love for the other man. So it's beyond repair for me. Marriage counseling could have been an option and I had tried to get her to go a few times, but she wasn't interested. I signed us both up for individual counseling and she went one week and never went back. All of her actions directly contradict the story she has been telling me. So there isn't anything left for me here and it is time to move on.


im proud of you for taking charge of you life and owning it again Goodluck we are all here routing for you.. Just remeber one thing you matter , and when you see her remind yourself the magnitude of deciet she is capble and never forget she lied to for a year and half .. im postive you ll be okay just GO NC and if any communication is required use lawyer or her mom cut that cancer off 100% sorry dont mean to be cruel im just excited that you have woken up ...


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