# How to get Husband to open up a bit more...



## allyouneedislove (Nov 9, 2014)

Evening all, 
I was wondering if anyone had any advice/ Tips / Personal experience on how to get my husband to open up a bit more about his feelings..
I am a very open person with my feelings, I will open up and tell all, but my husband just cant..
This is putting real pressure on our marriage  

All is fine, most of the time.. we lead busy lives with 4 kids and we both run our own businesses.. We can talk about everyday things, we can laugh and joke but when it come to serious talking " how you feeling " etc conversations he just shuts down.. 
I am feeling its all very one sided emotionally.. I love my husband with all my heart, I maybe even guilty of loving him to much.. I just need him to open up to me a bit.. 

Any guidance would be great.. I Really dont want my marriage to fail...


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

One piece of advice I will give my daughters as they get older is that among other positive traits it is vital to a healthy marriage that their partner have a high EQ (emotional intelligence). My first husband had a low EQ, my current partner/future husband has a very high EQ, there is no comparison between these two men, never again would I waste time with a man that was unable to express himself.

IME men that are unable to communicate about their feelings are also less likely to be able to work through marital issues. As an adult it most likely won't change either so you will just have to live with it.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

Other than 'not opening up' you don't describe anything wrong with him. You laugh and joke together.

If, like a lot of us, he's just feeling more or less 'content', he really doesn't have much to open up about. He's not going to describe a 'deep' feeling if he feels kinda OK, pretty good, ahh not too bad (etc). If he told you that, it's the very thing that somebody looking for feelings would describe as not opening up. Maybe he did and you aren't hearing him. There's no visible problem in your post.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Men aren't brought up to be as open about feelings as women are. So that means it might be as difficult for him to discuss his as it would be for you not to discuss yours. 

You can ask him to be more open but it's obviously up to him whether that happens.


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## lifelesson01 (Nov 3, 2014)

Have you told him that it is important to you that he talks about these things? Maybe he was raised to keep that all inside...you may need to help him learn how to be more open.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Try asking him what he thinks rather than how he feels. You can structure the question so that it converges towards feelings. The more practice he gets, the better he'll get at it.


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## Lloyd Dobler (Apr 24, 2014)

Fully recognizing that this might not work with your husband, but I also have a really hard time describing my emotional well-being with my wife. What I CAN do, though, is write it out so I can get the words to more or less equal what I'm feeling. I can't always do that in normal conversations with my wife. You might want to give it a try with your husband, as long as he doesn't view it as a homework assignment...


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Perhaps learning to read him better is a start.

Also, often it's enough to just be there and he will tell you in his own way.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

I'd open up more to my wife if she asked me if I wanted a new motorcycle.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Some of us would rather tie a rope around our own neck than be expected to introspect on the minutiae of our day to day life. I'll take up the fight with anyone who calls this emotionally constipated or having low EQ. For me, just living day to day in the life I more or less planned for myself doesn't evoke feelings that require a public airing. 

Can your man talk to you when necessary? Can he hold a conversation about the important things in life? Some of us just don't have deep emotions about shallow things, and being forced to manufacture them for daily conversation is wearisome.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening allyouneedislove
One key to wanting your partner to "open up" is that you need to be accepting of whatever he might really be feeling. Not everyone is able to do that. 

How would you react if he said that he was bored and felt that his life had gone in the wrong direction? Would you be able to be positive about helping, or would you react defensively?

(honest question - some people can react positively to negative comments, some can't).


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

*Re: Re: How to get Husband to open up a bit more...*



Cletus said:


> Some of us would rather tie a rope around our own neck than be expected to introspect on the minutiae of our day to day life. I'll take up the fight with anyone who calls this emotionally constipated or having low EQ. For me, just living day to day in the life I more or less planned for myself doesn't evoke feelings that require a public airing.
> 
> Can your man talk to you when necessary? Can he hold a conversation about the important things in life? Some of us just don't have deep emotions about shallow things, and being forced to manufacture them for daily conversation is wearisome.


I think this is interesting and if I had to guess (which I do, because he won't tell me) is how my husband thinks. 

I've been following this thread because I was interested in hearing the advice. 

I don't desire my husband pretend to have feelings he does not. I just desire him to discuss and air feelings he does have. There are going to be certain times in life when a normal human being has an emotional reaction. 

What I often find is that I am drawn to the conclusion that my husband is just not as "deep" as I am. I often feel that he does not give the same thought to his actions as I do and that he lives a very shallow life without a care in the world. It makes me love him less. 

I have to consciously force myself out of that conclusion and remind myself that I cannot make that assumption about him. I try to look for little glimmers here or there that disprove my theory just to make sure I'm not going too far down the rabbit hole.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

kag123 said:


> I don't desire my husband pretend to have feelings he does not. I just desire him to discuss and air feelings he does have. There are going to be certain times in life when a normal human being has an emotional reaction.


Yes, and those are the times you would expect to have conversations where he is willing to share those feelings. That seems reasonable to me, and I think to most.



> What I often find is that I am drawn to the conclusion that my husband is just not as "deep" as I am. I often feel that he does not give the same thought to his actions as I do and that he lives a very shallow life without a care in the world. It makes me love him less.


That depends on what you consider deep, I guess. 

I watch one of those movies with my wife where the protagonist spends the entire time in a paralyzing world of angst and self doubt, and I want to scream (I guess I should want to talk about that?). That's not deep by my definition.

So what if you have far more often than not a routine day? You got up, showered, shaved, drove to work. No one hit you on the road. No one was rude at work, there were no crises, your boss didn't wear the same shirt, and you didn't spill soup on your tie. Then you climbed back in the car, drove home, and had dinner. The bills are paid. The kids are fine. No one in the family is dieing. See? You've already conned me into saying far more about nothing than I would have bothered to otherwise. 

Is one supposed to have feelings about that kind of a day that require probing? Is one shallow for working to build a life that allows you to, more or less, really not have a care in the world most of the time, then enjoying the fruit of that effort? 

I'm not saying your wrong for being who you are, just pointing out that someone like me might find living with someone like you just as difficult. What you call deep I might call neurotic, depending on how much time you need to perform this mutual navel gazing.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

You're funny, Cletus. 

OP, I went through a time earlier this year where I was trying to get my husband to express deep feelings that I was sure were in there somewhere. 

But like an earlier poster stated, some men are just basically happy with their lives. They are not hiding anything, and they would tell you if something needed said. 

Honestly, I think a lot of men IRL are that way. The men of TAM are just particularly expressive.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

commonsenseisn't said:


> I'd open up more to my wife if she asked me if I wanted a new motorcycle.


Forgiveness is easier to get than permission. That's how I did it.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

allyouneedislove said:


> Evening all,
> I was wondering if anyone had any advice/ Tips / Personal experience on how to get my husband to open up a bit more about his feelings..
> I am a very open person with my feelings, I will open up and tell all, but my husband just cant..
> This is putting real pressure on our marriage
> ...


You've been together 6 years... was he always like this or did it start up when he was talking to his female friend?

If he has always been like this, I guess you should have known it from the start. If that is the case you have to draw him out slowly.

Do you fight/argue? Because sometimes it's easier for us guys to shut up rather than argue all the time.

And if he just started to be quiet but chats with his old friend, you've got bigger issues to deal with.


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## independentgirl (Nov 14, 2014)

Hello Ms. Op, thanks for your thread, since it helpful for me to read, as I am going through something similar. 

I have trouble getting my boyfriend to open up to me regarding to his decease father. Pretty much throughout his childhood and teenage years, his dad was in and out of jail the and passed away.
This hit him hard, as he seem to burried all this emotions deep inside him. 
He just won't open up to me or anyone, even his own mother can't get him to open up regarding the dead of his father.

I want him toto have an emotionally healthy life so I'm worried. An d he been holding on into these emotions for so long, I'm not sure if he can ever let it go and heal fully. :-(

As for your case Ms. Op, I think you should just take it slowly, gibve him alot of time, and let him open up on his own whenever he ready. And since you are his wife, I think you have a better chance of get him to open up to you.


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## allyouneedislove (Nov 9, 2014)

Chris Taylor said:


> You've been together 6 years... was he always like this or did it start up when he was talking to his female friend?
> 
> If he has always been like this, I guess you should have known it from the start. If that is the case you have to draw him out slowly.
> 
> ...


To a certain degree yes he has always been quiet on the emotional side.. but we got by.. its seems to been getting worse over the years.. even more the last few months...

So how do I draw him out ??? 

We hardly Fight or argue, he saw too much of this growing up and hates it...

He is trying all areas of our marriage but this...


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## allyouneedislove (Nov 9, 2014)

Holland said:


> One piece of advice I will give my daughters as they get older is that among other positive traits it is vital to a healthy marriage that their partner have a high EQ (emotional intelligence). My first husband had a low EQ, my current partner/future husband has a very high EQ, there is no comparison between these two men, never again would I waste time with a man that was unable to express himself.
> 
> IME men that are unable to communicate about their feelings are also less likely to be able to work through marital issues. As an adult it most likely won't change either so you will just have to live with it.


Thank you for you reply, but surely if all the rest of your marriage was good, you would try and master the emotional side ???



Flying_Dutchman said:


> Other than 'not opening up' you don't describe anything wrong with him. You laugh and joke together.
> 
> If, like a lot of us, he's just feeling more or less 'content', he really doesn't have much to open up about. He's not going to describe a 'deep' feeling if he feels kinda OK, pretty good, ahh not too bad (etc). If he told you that, it's the very thing that somebody looking for feelings would describe as not opening up. Maybe he did and you aren't hearing him. There's no visible problem in your post.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Maybe! I will listen more when he is talking to me..



Openminded said:


> Men aren't brought up to be as open about feelings as women are. So that means it might be as difficult for him to discuss his as it would be for you not to discuss yours.
> 
> You can ask him to be more open but it's obviously up to him whether that happens.


I have tried but he finds it hard and even shuts down


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## allyouneedislove (Nov 9, 2014)

lifelesson01 said:


> Have you told him that it is important to you that he talks about these things? Maybe he was raised to keep that all inside...you may need to help him learn how to be more open.


Yes I have told him many times, it is very important to me and slowly I do believe he is understanding the importance of this for me... From what he has said there was no emotions showed to him from his parent growing up, and it only just before his mother died he become closer to her... 



Thor said:


> Try asking him what he thinks rather than how he feels. You can structure the question so that it converges towards feelings. The more practice he gets, the better he'll get at it.


I will try that .. Thank you



Lloyd Dobler said:


> Fully recognizing that this might not work with your husband, but I also have a really hard time describing my emotional well-being with my wife. What I CAN do, though, is write it out so I can get the words to more or less equal what I'm feeling. I can't always do that in normal conversations with my wife. You might want to give it a try with your husband, as long as he doesn't view it as a homework assignment...


I tried and it was a epic fail... I wrote him a long, in fact very long email, and that was 2 weeks ago and he said he casnt reply to it... That has really hurt me, as I really did pour my heart out... maybe one day he'll reply... 



thatbpguy said:


> Perhaps learning to read him better is a start.
> 
> Also, often it's enough to just be there and he will tell you in his own way.


How do you read someone ?


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## allyouneedislove (Nov 9, 2014)

commonsenseisn't said:


> I'd open up more to my wife if she asked me if I wanted a new motorcycle.


LOL



Cletus said:


> Some of us would rather tie a rope around our own neck than be expected to introspect on the minutiae of our day to day life. I'll take up the fight with anyone who calls this emotionally constipated or having low EQ. For me, just living day to day in the life I more or less planned for myself doesn't evoke feelings that require a public airing.
> 
> Can your man talk to you when necessary? Can he hold a conversation about the important things in life? Some of us just don't have deep emotions about shallow things, and being forced to manufacture them for daily conversation is wearisome.


Yes we can talk about most things, day to day life, the children, work ( we run our own business ) it just when it comes to feelings he shuts down  



richardsharpe said:


> Good evening allyouneedislove
> One key to wanting your partner to "open up" is that you need to be accepting of whatever he might really be feeling. Not everyone is able to do that.
> 
> How would you react if he said that he was bored and felt that his life had gone in the wrong direction? Would you be able to be positive about helping, or would you react defensively?
> ...


Oh yes I would support what ever feelings he is having and guide him through them the best I could, I just want to know whats going on in his head...


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## allyouneedislove (Nov 9, 2014)

kag123 said:


> I think this is interesting and if I had to guess (which I do, because he won't tell me) is how my husband thinks.
> 
> I've been following this thread because I was interested in hearing the advice.
> 
> ...


Have you ever found that glimmer ?


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## allyouneedislove (Nov 9, 2014)

independentgirl said:


> Hello Ms. Op, thanks for your thread, since it helpful for me to read, as I am going through something similar.
> 
> I have trouble getting my boyfriend to open up to me regarding to his decease father. Pretty much throughout his childhood and teenage years, his dad was in and out of jail the and passed away.
> This hit him hard, as he seem to burried all this emotions deep inside him.
> ...


Hi Independent girl...

Sorry to here that your going through the same sort of thing... 
I think my husbands issues steam from his parents, from what he has told me they showed no emotions towards him if they did it was nearly always negative ones.. he was never taught how to show them.. but me being me I need them to be shown.. This is all really getting me down.. He has now made an appointment to see the Dr, to maybe get some help of some sorts.. I am trying my best to guide him through this, but dont have anyone to support me.. I am going through a rough patch at the moment, but i am slowly shutting down as talking about things make him shut down, just goes around in circles.... 

Regarding your boyfriend , have you suggested him maybe talk to someone, an outsider, a counsellor.. it might help.. Also someone on an earlier post suggesting writing it down have you tried suggesting that... Keep me posted and pm me if you want to chat out of this thread 

Take care
x


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Perhaps he was never allowed to express anything negative when he was growing up. He may have generalized it to not being able to say anything about how he feels, good or bad. He might also fear that you will feel badly if he says something negative. 

You could try telling him that he can tell you anything without you judging him. You might try an exercise with him where you tell him you are going to tell him something you don't like, and in return he has to tell you something he does not like. Then tell him something trivial that you do not like. For example, you don't like playing Monopoly, or you don't like mushroom soup. Then he has to tell you something he does not like. No matter what he says have a positive and fun reaction. Do not judge him in any way, and don't disagree. If he says he doesn't like people who don't like mushroom soup or playing monopoly, you go along with it saying something like of course he shouldn't!

Make it safe for him to tell you things. It may have to start as a game.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Thor said:


> Perhaps he was never allowed to express anything negative when he was growing up. He may have generalized it to not being able to say anything about how he feels, good or bad. * He might also fear that you will feel badly if he says something negative. *
> 
> You could try telling him that he can tell you anything without you judging him. You might try an exercise with him where you tell him you are going to tell him something you don't like, and in return he has to tell you something he does not like. Then tell him something trivial that you do not like. For example, you don't like playing Monopoly, or you don't like mushroom soup. Then he has to tell you something he does not like. No matter what he says have a positive and fun reaction. Do not judge him in any way, and don't disagree. If he says he doesn't like people who don't like mushroom soup or playing monopoly, you go along with it saying something like of course he shouldn't!
> 
> Make it safe for him to tell you things. It may have to start as a game.


This could be the case. I was in a marriage and she was really the first person I opened up to about everything. She still to this day knows things about me no one else does. When she was leaving and playing the "I will make him so mad he will break up with me " game she said some awful things to me. She used some of my private shares and weaknesses against me and it cut really deeply. Now divorced and years out I still hold my deeper thoughts and feelings to myself.

Does any of this sound familiar from his past OP? If that's the case just try and reassure him that you will be a safe place for him.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Thor said:


> You could try telling him that he can tell you anything without you judging him. You might try an exercise with him where you tell him you are going to tell him something you don't like, and in return he has to tell you something he does not like.


Watch last week's Big Bang Theory for how this plays out.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Hmm, is your husband the introspective type? Does he need time to evaluate and consider what is on his mind? Lets say, he needs a day or two to analyze his thoughts. Can you ask him to take a day or two to consider what you are asking? 

Often, men will express their emotions through their actions. Women are better verbal communicators in general. Your communications style may varies. Just like everyone has a love language type, not everyone has the same communication type.

Does your husband go into a shell the more you pressure him into an answer? Does he seem overwhelm with the data from you? If this is the case, take a step back, and let him come out of his shell. If he is still not responsive, there tends to be an underlying issue, usually due to childhood. This is where you seek professional help.

Some men are taught it is weakness to express themselves, and they are condition to behave that way. Fact is, it takes more courage to be vulnerable. It takes courage to lay yourself bare and take the risk of rejection. Usually walls are built over fear, and pain. In this case, seek help.

What is your fear? My guess is that you fear falling out of love with your husband. Him not expressing himself, will only take intimacy to a certain level, a shallow level. You want to form a deeper emotional bond, and you not knowing him on a deeper intimate level is leaving you frustrated. You want to be in love, but without knowing him deeper, he is somewhat a stranger to you. Do you fear him becoming a stranger? You want that connection, but you feel like it is not there. You probably feel that you need that connection. It is probably a need for you.

If this is your fear, then communicate this clearly with your husband. If you see this post can help him, show it to him.

I hope this helps. Good things about this forum, there maybe someone who can bring clarity.

I hope you find the clarity you seek.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Cletus said:


> Watch last week's Big Bang Theory for how this plays out.


Was that the prom episode?


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Thor said:


> Was that the prom episode?


No, the next one, "The Septum Deviation".


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Cletus said:


> No, the next one, "The Septum Deviation".


I missed that one. The wife and kids have too many series set to record on the DVR.


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## wolf larson (Jul 28, 2014)

Just curious here, but what are you hoping to find out or accomplish? Are you looking for his views on politics, religion? Or some deep dark secret? I hope everyday my wife will open up about really being the sol heir to the McArthur's fotune...but she so far refuses. Sigh. 
Just because he doesnt wear his feelings outvfor show, that doesn't mean hes not deep. Or feel greatly about things. From my prospective, there is very little value in drudging up painful experiences like the poor father example used above. Why would he want to relive that. Its done...he's moved on. Let it die. I'll tell you, there is plenty I'd rather never bring up again. Chatting about them will not help me...I guarantee.


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## independentgirl (Nov 14, 2014)

To *allyouneedislove*,
I'm glad that your husband willing to go to the Dr. (counseling), since he 'willing' to, he will open up and talk to them about the 'issue' that bothering him.

Well at least your husband have both parents with him while growing up.
My boyfriend is different, his dad was in and out of jail and decease. His mom was busy trying to get her life back together, that she never teach him the correct way on how deal with his anger/emotions.

He is 29 now, it been so long that unless he 'willing' to open up, no one can force him (not even his own mother)
His sister also died in a drunk driving car accident, and she was his best friend, so that is another big hit to him. 
He pretty much growing up with the street life. And trust me, 'street mentality' people don't like 'counseling'. I know this guy long enough, see his ups and downs, and I don't think counseling can help him.

Someone said I should have use my leverage, since he work so hard to get me to be his girl, so he might listen to me. 
I did suggest the 'anger management', and he say he go. But I can see it in his eyes ,that he doing it just to make me happy, his heart is not into it. 
I don't see what is the point to force a man into 'counseling' when he doesn't want to. Even if he sit in there, and doesn't want to talk about his 'problems', then what can it be done?

I do know one thing though, love is never about force, rather you accept him as who he is, or let him go. I never believe in changing anyone, and the reality is; you can't change anyone anwyays, unless they willing to change themselves.

I wish you and your husband much luck, there is hope for you since he "WILLING" to go to the Dr. (counseling) to get some help. Keep us update okay, Happy holiday to you and your family!

And Ms. Op, I will be learning marriage tips from you. Me and my boyfriend are interracial couple and it sure can be one heck of a ride, but we still hanging on. 
I'm sure if one day we get married, our problems is not just only 'communication', but could be cultural clashes too. So maybe you can teach me on how to be a good wife since I have no experience in being anyone wife before


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## kindnessrules (Sep 5, 2014)

Someone said was he like this before marriage, and if so didn't you see it coming. Hmmm...not sure I agree with that. Partners can change a lot during marriage. I certainly did not see a bunch of things coming that we have had to deal with. We are both different people than we were in certain ways. People are only human and marriage partners are dealing with lots of stuff, work demands, kids, illness, etc. For instance, my poor H did not have a difficult chronic illness that has caused him to be in pain and exhausted and needing to sleep a great deal of the time. It has totally changed his life, his priorities, and even his personality.

Anyway, to OP's topic, getting men to open up. 

I think men tend to be more stoic in general about feelings but I definitely think there are ways, we just have to find them. We have a weekly "staff" meeting to discuss anything and everything. It is a planned and structured time and it works better than blindsiding one of us when we didn't know we were going to be discussing things. Last time it occurred to me to just ask him out of the blue, "So how are things going in your life?" Not "how are you feeling?" With a man I think it's better to use different words, like "think" instead of feel. Sometimes he emails me and opens up a lot. We used to write each other notes, and I still sometimes do, when I see a lot of different aspects of him than I get day-to-day. But he is sporadic about it - again, daily pressures, plus his mind works differently than mine and he's usually thinking several things ahead of where I think he is. I need to accept his forgetfulness with sustaining such things - he has a lot on his mind with a fast-paced job and chronic illness. Sometimes his illness can be the main thing he's relating to when it's causing him pain and fatigue.

We drink coffee together on weekend morning and days when he's off work, which is a good time to just relate in a relaxed manner. It's a good time to open up, and we free associate about lots of things. I ask him with words like what do you think, what have you observed, etc. instead of how do you feel. He keeps a lid on his "feelings" and as a matter of fact he says he doesn't even think that often. Hard for me to grasp the concept of limiting when you think, but that's how he needs to function.

I think a big challenge in marriage is just learning to communicate, how to get into their head, what unlocks the other person's door, etc.


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