# Wife aroused from looking at women



## lifeisbetterthanalternat

I love my wife deeply and unconditionally. One thing I have noted over the years I have found my wife’s tv shows to generally feature female beauty . Also as a background one of the first dvd she purchased (on her own) was a movie that featured an actress that features a nude scene of one of her favorite actresses. It was a genre of movies that goes against anything that she likes. Many years ago, she mentioned that she kind of liked girls or would say things like “I would let her lick me” when referring to pretty girls on TV. I should point out that she has said things like this after a few drinks and that she always did it in a joking way to let me know but, kind of not. She always denied having any real bi-experiences. To me it doesn’t matter. I know she likes sex with me. She is Catholic and demonstrates traces of religious-inflicted type inhibition though she denies it. She likes to maintain she is liberated. 

She had indicated she used to watch SC porn and pleasure herself. I noticed that she seems to get she is physically aroused when she sees hot women, particularly in skimpy attire/bathing suits. From what I gather it is rather common for straight women (or mostly straight) women to be this way. I came across these articles. Thought it would be interesting for other women to read. Study Suggests Difference Between Female And Male Sexuality
Yahoo! Shine - Women's Lifestyle | Healthy Living and Fashion Blogs

I personally don’t really have a problem that this is the case with her. In fact I find it arousing. I guess what I wish is that she were not so in denial of it. I guess how can I get her to not feel funny about it. 

Thanks for everyone’s input.


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## Faithful Wife

I'm sorry if I am way off base. But being a (non-closeted) bi-sexual woman, it always makes me a bit leery when a man wants to hear about women's sexual thoughts about other women. I don't see how this would help your marriage at all.


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## lifeisbetterthanalternat

Faithful Wife said:


> I'm sorry if I am way off base. But being a (non-closeted) bi-sexual woman, it always makes me a bit leery when a man wants to hear about women's sexual thoughts about other women. I don't see how this would help your marriage at all.


Faithful, 

Kudos for you to being able to “own” your bisexuality. My solicitation for feedback is not designed for women to explain in detail what it is that makes them hot and bothered for some sort of cheap thrill. Rather since my wife for the most part seems to deny/repress it would seem more healthy that she would be able to feel comfortable. I just think the truth is liberating with herself maybe somewhat liberating. 

It may also may be comforting for some women to know they are not alone. It took my wife months to admit she liked toys and now we enjoy using them. Is helping my wife becoming more self-aware or at least self-honest a terrible thing? I certainly don’t want to foster a 3 some or something like that.


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## Faithful Wife

If your wife was here herself asking these questions, I could see the point.


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## committed4ever

I don't see any thing wrong your questions at all. Maybe it because I'm not bi and it going over my head why your questions should be suspect. 

I can admire women in provocative clothing because I would immediately start thinking about how turn on my H would be to see me in it and how it would immediately start some very seductive touching.

The thought of touching or being touch by another female is not at all arousing or appealing to me but I can appreciate the " hotness " of another woman.


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## marriedwithkids1

I think this is a great post as it shows that I am not alone. I am a 40yo women. I too am aroused by the sight of another women more than by a man. I consider myself straight insofar as I have no desire to touch or be touched by a women. Don’t get me wrong, I think it is visually stimulating to see two women together but, I could not see myself being with another women. Perhaps this is MY catholic upbringing so I hear where your wife is coming from. When I watch TV..sometimes it is because she is stunning, other times it can be from just body parts. Kind of makes me like my H. I mean I appreciate a man and have always been drawn to them sexually but, not from a visual standpoint. It is so strange. I too have googled it and it seems to be a relatively common thing. It is totally conceivable that your wife may think you may not understand this strange dichotomy of attraction to one gender yet visually stimulated by another. These thoughts have been confusing to me. 

One thing that may be the disconnect (just a thought) is that perhaps your may not think you will understand your desire to seek out pretty women on tv. Women (or at least me), unlike men don’t necessarily driven to achieve an orgasm after a round of visually stimulating viewing. I can enjoy the arousal for the sensation that it brings without the need to “escalate things” perhaps if she totally admitted that she seeks this type of programing for “cheap thrills” that this would flash a “your getting laid tonight” sign which she may not necessarily want. Just a thought.


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## ASummersDay

I agree with Faithful Wife. Why does it matter to you if she's turned on by seeing women?


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## norajane

Some people go through phases in terms of what turns them on. It's not a big deal.

I think individual sexuality falls somewhere on a spectrum - it's not black and white, either or.


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## WellyVamp

norajane said:


> Some people go through phases in terms of what turns them on. It's not a big deal.
> 
> I think individual sexuality falls somewhere on a spectrum - it's not black and white, either or.


I concur. 

As someone who likes both sexes, I'm inclined to think of sexuality as being fluid and changeable. It's a matter of people being attractive, rather than people of a certain gender being attractive.


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## Suspecting

The study article linked in the first post is from 2003 and I believe it has been debunked since. The problem was the device set to measure female arousal is not measuring it properly or more likely at all. Women actually have equivalent part(s) that get swollen during arousal just like men have and the device was not built to measure this.


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## HangingVine

She could also just think the female body is pretty.And its not even sexual.If I see a beautiful flower and admire it that doesn't mean I'm sexually aroused or want to have sex with the flower.However I might want smell it.


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## lifeisbetterthanalternat

HangingVine said:


> She could also just think the female body is pretty.And its not even sexual.If I see a beautiful flower and admire it that doesn't mean I'm sexually aroused or want to have sex with the flower.However I might want smell it.


Yes there have been studies that do seem to question the accuracy of measuring female arousal. If one googles something to the effect of my thread title you will find other women who are similar to my wife as the ones who have responded to this thread.


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## tulsy

MrsDavey said:


> I agree with Faithful Wife. Why does it matter to you if she's turned on by seeing women?


What do you mean "why does it matter"?...are you saying it wouldn't matter to you at all? That this information is useless to a married man?

How could you NOT want to know this information? 

If you are in a relationship with someone, married or not, it certainly helps to know what turns that person on. I would want to know.

FWIW, my girl loves watching two women together, but she doesn't want to try it herself. It's fairly common.


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## Faithful Wife

So tulsy...is it your wife's business to know every thought you have that causes arousal for you, what it is about, and why you have it?

And if you had some ****-sexual thoughts that turned you on, would it help YOU with those thoughts at all for your wife to post on a message board and ask other men about their sexual thoughts about men?

Is it your wife's job to try to manage your sexual thoughts?

Do you lay open your mind and ask her to help you figure out what turns you on?

Hopefully you get my point.

What she does with her own thoughts is her business. Unless she decides to share those thoughts with her husband, it is none of his business.


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## Suspecting

Sorry if this is common knowledge but what is SC porn?


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## HangingVine

I don't myself get turned on by seeing a beautiful woman.I have no interest in seeing two women having sex either let alone have sex with one.But I see a woman who in my point of view is striking and I want to look at her.I think for me its more of a sensual rather than sexual thing.

I'm not "turned" on more so like captivated.Like I mentioned similar to anything I find visually beautiful. Not in the same way but similar to a majestic image.I don't want to have sex with the grand canyon or Niagra falls or a Blue whale.But I do want to look at them.More along the lines of appreciation and admiration .

Could be that is all it is .She just sees women as beautiful to look at.And people assume she must have homosexual thoughts.

But I especially mistrust a man admitting that.Why? Because for the most part many wouldn't distinguish admiration of the female from wanting to have sex with her.Also men have sexual fantasies of women having sex together.Its a top fantasy of many men.


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## tulsy

Faithful Wife said:


> So tulsy...is it your wife's business to know every thought you have that causes arousal for you, what it is about, and why you have it?


Is it her business? No.
Would I be offended if she wanted to know more about what turns me on? Absolutely not...I think that's a good thing. It's not a job or a chore either.
Where is "every thought" coming from? OP brought up one thing he is curious about here and wanted some opinions from others.



Faithful Wife said:


> And if you had some ****-sexual thoughts that turned you on, would it help YOU with those thoughts at all for your wife to post on a message board and ask other men about their sexual thoughts about men?


If she was trying to understand it and get some feedback from others who may or may not be able to relate, I don't see the problem with her posting anonymously online inquiring for thoughts. Would it help me? Maybe, but who says this even calls for any "help"? It doesn't need correcting, it's just a spouse trying to learn more about their partner.



Faithful Wife said:


> Is it your wife's job to try to manage your sexual thoughts?


It's got nothing to do with managing. How is it wrong in any way to be curious about your partners sexual interests? Just because you would like to understand these thoughts doesn't mean you want to manage them.

Not all men try to manage everything, but we do like to have plenty of clues for what works when it comes to turning on our girls.



Faithful Wife said:


> Do you lay open your mind and ask her to help you figure out what turns you on?


No, I do not, but I would if I needed or wanted help with that. So I guess where you are going with this is that the OP's wife my not want to share this with him at all, and may not be comfortable even talking about it. That's fine, she doesn't have to, and if the OP is making his wife uncomfortable, maybe he should back off....but I still don't see a problem with just trying to raise the topic, learn more about it, and understand what arouses his wife. 



Faithful Wife said:


> Hopefully you get my point.
> 
> What she does with her own thoughts is her business. Unless she decides to share those thoughts with her husband, it is none of his business.


I totally agree that what she does with her own thoughts is her business, including that if she doesn't want to share those thoughts, that is her business. I completely agree with you here.

But these are HIS thoughts. HE came here, he is thinking about it, and HE has a right to his own thoughts too. He is curious about this....lots of guys are. 

OP has noticed that his wife has heightened arousal when women are involved visually in some way. It doesn't offend him, he kinda finds it hot, and wants to learn/understand what it's all about. 

He also has concerns that maybe his wife isn't comfortable enough to talk with him about it, and he wants her to know and feel comfortable around him with regards to anything sexual....he wants her to know that he can take it.


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## Faithful Wife

"It doesn't need correcting, it's just a spouse trying to learn more about their partner."

If he is trying to learn more about his partner, why is he asking us? No one's thoughts or feelings about arousal can predict anyone else's. If she didn't ask him to "help" her with these thoughts (and he has indicated that she didn't), then as far as I'm concerned the thoughts are none of his business.

You will see all the time on TAM women trying to ask about men's porn viewing habits, and men telling them that it is none of her business what her man wants to watch or think about. Why is this not the same thing?


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## ASummersDay

tulsy, despite the abrasive tone of your post, I am going to do my best to treat your question in earnest and answer politely.

I asked why it matters to the OP because I am curious. I am bisexual, and I find there are usually two reasons a man would fixate on my attraction to women (I say fixate because, if someone takes the time to post a question on a forum, presumably it has occupied their thoughts more than for a second). 1.) He is hoping I will enact a fantasy of his due to a narrow understanding of my sexuality or 2.) he is threatened and believes that I secretly want to be with a woman rather than him.

I am not saying the OP feels this way, which is why I asked. For clarification.


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## Machiavelli

WellyVamp said:


> I concur.
> 
> As someone who likes both sexes, I'm inclined to think of sexuality as being fluid and changeable. It's a matter of people being attractive, rather than people of a certain gender being attractive.



This is true for women.


Not so true for men.

As to why it matters or not, how is OP supposed to go forward with his FFM threesome if his wife ain't on board?


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## Suspecting

Machiavelli said:


> This is true for women.


Not so.

From the article: 


> "The genitals of the volunteers were connected to plethysmographs — for the men, an apparatus that fits over the penis and gauges its swelling; for the women, a little plastic probe that sits in the vagina and, by bouncing light off the vaginal walls, measures genital blood flow. An engorgement of blood spurs a lubricating process called vaginal transudation: the seeping of moisture through the walls."


The method they supposedly measure female arousal is proved to be incomplete. It does not take into account the swelling of outer labia, and clitoris which is the equivalent to a man's penis.


Again from the same article:


> *Genital lubrication, she writes in her upcoming paper in Archives of Sexual Behavior, is necessary “to reduce discomfort, and the possibility of injury, during vaginal penetration*. . . . Ancestral women who did not show an automatic vaginal response to sexual cues may have been more likely to experience injuries during unwanted vaginal penetration that resulted in illness, infertility or even death, and thus would be less likely to have passed on this trait to their offspring.”


She admits herself it's not a proper indication of arousal but more likely a defense mechanism.


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## Machiavelli

Suspecting said:


> Not so.
> 
> From the article:
> 
> 
> The method they supposedly measure female arousal is proved to be incomplete. It does not take into account the swelling of outer labia, and clitoris which is the equivalent to a man's penis.
> 
> 
> Again from the same article:
> She admits herself it's not a proper indication of arousal but more likely a defense mechanism.


She "admitted" nothing, she offered that as a possible explanation. which in the newly released book length version of the article, she expands upon with new information.


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## tulsy

Faithful Wife said:


> "It doesn't need correcting, it's just a spouse trying to learn more about their partner."
> 
> If he is trying to learn more about his partner, why is he asking us? No one's thoughts or feelings about arousal can predict anyone else's. If she didn't ask him to "help" her with these thoughts (and he has indicated that she didn't), then as far as I'm concerned the thoughts are none of his business.


IMO, this is not a big deal. People ask many different things in this forum, countless topics are raised...it shouldn't be taboo when a man is curious about his wife's apparent interest in other women.



Faithful Wife said:


> You will see all the time on TAM women trying to ask about men's porn viewing habits, and men telling them that it is none of her business what her man wants to watch or think about. Why is this not the same thing?


I don't think there is anything wrong with a woman asking about a man's porn viewing habits. I don't have a problem with that at all. In fact, if she's in a relationship with him, I would totally understand her curiosity. If she noticed that he get's aroused looking at other men, I would imagine that would compel her to dig deeper, and I wouldn't be telling her that it's none of her business.

I've seen threads where women try to demand their husbands stop watching porn. If OP was demanding his wife stop getting aroused by women, then sure, there would be a comparison. He's not demanding anything at all. It's not the same thing because he doesn't appear to be trying to control anything here. He's not trying to control or manage her thoughts, he'd love for her to be open and comfortable enough to talk about them. He can't force her into that, either she will or she won't, but I don't think there is anything wrong with his curiosity here.


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## FutureExMrs.

lifeisbetterthanalternat said:


> I love my wife deeply and unconditionally. One thing I have noted over the years I have found my wife’s tv shows to generally feature female beauty . Also as a background one of the first dvd she purchased (on her own) was a movie that featured an actress that features a nude scene of one of her favorite actresses. It was a genre of movies that goes against anything that she likes. Many years ago, she mentioned that she kind of liked girls or would say things like “I would let her lick me” when referring to pretty girls on TV. I should point out that she has said things like this after a few drinks and that she always did it in a joking way to let me know but, kind of not. She always denied having any real bi-experiences. To me it doesn’t matter. I know she likes sex with me. She is Catholic and demonstrates traces of religious-inflicted type inhibition though she denies it. She likes to maintain she is liberated.
> 
> She had indicated she used to watch SC porn and pleasure herself. I noticed that she seems to get she is physically aroused when she sees hot women, particularly in skimpy attire/bathing suits. From what I gather it is rather common for straight women (or mostly straight) women to be this way. I came across these articles. Thought it would be interesting for other women to read. Study Suggests Difference Between Female And Male Sexuality
> Yahoo! Shine - Women's Lifestyle | Healthy Living and Fashion Blogs
> 
> I personally don’t really have a problem that this is the case with her. In fact I find it arousing. I guess what I wish is that she were not so in denial of it. I guess how can I get her to not feel funny about it.
> 
> Thanks for everyone’s input.


Are you genuinely interested in her turn ons or are you more motivated by your own turn ons? I'm not judging or anything but from where I'm looking it seems to be more of an interest for you rather than her. it also seems as if you are looking to have her confess her inner desires to confirm your own meaning more along the lines of a 3some type fantasy. When she says little tidbits about other women "licking her" does that turn you on and do you fantasize about those sort of thing and are hoping that she would agree to try it to some degree? Don't get me wrong there is nothing wrong with knowing you partners likes and dislikes but are your motivations sincere?


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## Suspecting

I think it's worth mentioning that even if she wanted to have sex with a woman it doesn't mean that she is willing to have a threesome with a man and a woman. Group sex is entirely different matter.


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## Faithful Wife

I still just think that if his wife isn't going to talk about it, it is not going to help him in the least to talk to other women about it, and I think his wife would NOT appreciate that.


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## lifeisbetterthanalternat

Thanks you all for taking the time to share your thoughtful responses. Given some responses I have slightly modified my original post to clarify things. Your collective responses have shed light on this matter and interestingly into others. 

Faithful, 
I totally agree that idea that married people should not/may not want to...share all of their fantasies with each other and should be entitled to privacy. Have had heard some people want their partners to put restrictions on their S/O’s thoughts so I agree wholeheartedly with Faithful’s position in this matter. I think this type of thinking is a bit much. 

Hangvine and others pointed out that the attraction to the female form can be totally nonsexual in nature. I guess I was struggling to understand if my wife’s fondness of this type of viewing was intentionally or unintentionally done to create arousal. 

Mrs Davey, 
Thanks for your insight. As a side note your “I am not sure why that matters” can be interpreted in a varitety of different ways ranging from “this is none of your business” (which seems to be faithful’s position that she is entitled to her privacy of thought) to one of empathy and wanting to know so you can help me further. Your follow up seemed to clarify it. I never thought about the idea that opening to a man that you are bi would welcome the undesirable side effects of being threatened or thinking that would open the door to a threesome. None apply to me

Supecting- to claifiy my acronym: SCporn = softcore porn, 
I would image that many men and when withhold thoughts of bisexual thoughts perhaps for good reason. To share I personally find the 

As far as why I have not asked my wife or inquired further I should point out that historically that my wife has in the past has been reluctant to open up. This IMHO has been more an issue of catholic guilt/inhibitions than wanting “private thoughts/activities. As one perfect example was my wife denying her use of enjoying a vibrator years ago. When I asked her she would sheepishly deny using it and wanting to use one. Both were not true. At the time I had seen feedback on TAM directed to another person’s post in a similar situation essentially that ranged from “leave her alone-let her have her privacy” etc. to “just bust it out and see how she reacts” as it is likely that it was likely a guilt thing rather than a privacy thing. I was brought up to believe that the body is a beautiful thing and that we should do what feels good so it is difficult for me to sometimes relate. Given Mr. Davey and Faithful, you both seem to not be very inhibited. It may be difficult for you too to appreciate or understand this type of thinking on her part. Anyway, one night I simply took the vibrator out after she was aroused and she loved it. It is now a fun tool that she enjoys solo and together. I don’t inquire about her solo activity and her thoughts that get her aroused as I respect her privacy in this regard. I have learned much about my wife inadvertently from the others sharing on this forum. This applies to sexual and non-sexual matters. 

My wife is soulmate, lover, partner in parenting and everything else and I pray for strength that I can we can make eachother happy in many ways. However, I am not of the mindset that I should be EVERYTHING to her. I believe she should have relationships (plantonic) that give her satisfaction as well as activities. I also don’t have a problem with her being aroused by things other than me. I only seek to understand them what those things are if she so desires. She was the one that has mentioned (then for some reason been shy about it on other occasions) that the female form is arousing to her. 

Sorry for the long and perhaps redundant post


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## marriedwithkids1

Since I saw this post I was wondering how many would respond favorably so I would not feel so strange. 

I find it interesting that 2 women who are self-proclaimed bisexuals would be so quick to judge the OP for what seems to be a reasonable request to the ladies lounge to see if other women are similar to his wife. While I could understand it may be tiring for a bisexual women to be asked about threeways or threatened by this.…the OP indicates otherwise. I think some of the responses resonated with “hey let’s not tell this guy about this he is a perv/wants to manipulate his wife” or call his motives into question. It think there are reasons besides the ones mentioned why he would legitimately want to know. I also think there are may reasons a women may feel reluctant to share this until further prodded. Let’s also keep in mind she was the one who brought it up with a buzz. It is likely something she wanted to discuss but….

I get the fact that there is a continuum of straight/gay and we are all somewhere… I guess I was just trying to understand if there are other women who have this interesting dichotomy of being aroused visually by another women… I particularly find all female body parts (except the actual genitals) to be arousing however, I don’t have the actual desire to be with one.


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## Suspecting

marriedwithkids1 said:


> I find it interesting that 2 women who are self-proclaimed bisexuals would be so quick to judge the OP for what seems to be a reasonable request to the ladies lounge to see if other women are similar to his wife. While I could understand it may be tiring for a bisexual women to be asked about threeways or threatened by this.…


Being bisexual has nothing to do with threeways though. Bisexuality is a sexual orientation while group sex is sexual behavior. I'm quite sure the "judgement" like you put it, comes from the fact that bisexual women are always assumed to be up for group sex, which is not true of course.


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## Faithful Wife

marriedwithkids...Whether you understand my position or not, it is something I've dealt with my whole life. I said right off the bat that I might be off base but it makes me leery when a man is asking these types of questions. NOTHING he said afterward changed my view on that at all because his WIFE is not telling him herself that she wants to understand herself better.

If the wife was here talking about it, do you think women would be more open with her? I'm pretty sure they would.

Unless she wants to include him on her private fantasy life, and he has NOT said that she does (quite the opposite), then IMO it is none of his business and furthermore, nothing we can tell him will matter one whit about HER thoughts and feelings anyway.

If you can't get that and have to try to see it like I'm being weird about it, have at it.

Personally, I assume his wife is a grown woman who can dig into her own thougths and fantasies on her own time, as she chooses, and can include or not include her husband as she chooses.

If this man's wife saw his post, what would she say? Do you think she would be like "oh that's cute, he is asking other women to talk about their girl-on-girl fantasies in order to know me better"? I'm pretty sure that's not what her response would be.


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## marriedwithkids1

Faithful Wife said:


> marriedwithkids...
> 
> If this man's wife saw his post, what would she say? Do you think she would be like "oh that's cute, he is asking other women to talk about their girl-on-girl fantasies in order to know me better"? I'm pretty sure that's not what her response would be.


I read his post, he was NOT in anyway soliciting what you are saying. You seem to be shaming the man to come to this forum to ask an honest question. 

As a women i can understand why he would want to come here and understand other women's thoughts. Why do you feel the need to be protector of this women's rights on anonymous board?


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## Faithful Wife

I just quoted what I made a GUESS about how his wife might interpret his thread here. I did not say HE said that is why he is here.

Read it again.

IF HIS WIFE SAW HIS POST....what do you suppose her reaction might be? Would it be positive? I'm asking you to guess, not that you should know...none of us know. But my guess is that she would feel betrayed.

The man is free to come and ask an honest question...and he did. And you don't see a lot of responses, right? How is this all just me shaming the man? People could have offered up a lot more responses but they didn't. How is that on me?


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## Suspecting

I'm not married but this is something I've asked every serious girlfriend I've had including the current one. I don't ask if they want a threesome or if they are bisexual but simply if they are attracted to women. I'd suggest the OP ask this and leave it at that.


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## Theseus

Faithful Wife said:


> it always makes me a bit leery when a man wants to hear about women's sexual thoughts about other women.


Yes, heaven forbid he should actually try and understand what his own wife is thinking!



Faithful Wife said:


> IF HIS WIFE SAW HIS POST....what do you suppose her reaction might be? Would it be positive? I'm asking you to guess, not that you should know...none of us know. But my guess is that she would feel betrayed.


But wouldn't that pretty much hold true for 99% of the posts on TAM (particularly in the sex in marriage section)? Anyway, people don't use real names in these forums.

BTW, like the OP, I'm also married to a woman who has a huge interest in other women, but is in denial about it. Here's how crazy this is: she loves girl/girl porn and *actually admits* she would enjoy sleeping with another woman but still insists she not even slightly bisexual! I think she would rather die before actually admitting she is bisexual at all. Figure that one out. Faithful wife, I have to at least give you kudos for being honest with yourself.


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## Faithful Wife

Yes, I'm honest with myself Theseus. That's my point. It is not anyone's job to help anyone else become self-aware. It can only be done by yourself.

If his wife is openly discussing her thoughts with him that's great. If she isn't, if she is hesitant, if he tries to open her up and it doesn't work...that means she isn't ready to discover whatever "it might mean". And it actually might "mean nothing". It might be something that is not directly hard wired into her "turn ons" but rather is just some fluff. Whatever it is though, is for her to decide and explore as she sees fit.

True that many spouses might be like "wtf?" if they found some of our posts here or they might be hurt, etc. Depends on the subject of the post. BUT...nevertheless, this one is possibly pretty personal to the wife...it is the equivalent of "my man might have gay thoughts or fantasies but he will not talk to me about them, can other men share with me about this" and how a husband might feel if his wife did that. You know? The betrayal of his private thoughts that he didn't even share with his wife being "put out there" might be really hurtful to that hypothetical guy. This is the same sitch.

If a person has confusion around sexualized homosexual thoughts, then it is best to let that person cook their own soup and figure those thoughts out. If someone else, anyone, including their spouse, wants to try to "be a part of" or "manage" those thoughts and feelings for you, then you cannot find out how YOU really think and feel.

Now just to show the other side here, if the husband was saying "yeah my wife suggested I ask around for help for her" I would be all over that giving help, as I would probably have some good thoughts in that area. So it isn't that I am against a husband getting that kind of help. I just don't think it is wise in this case in the way the husband has described it.

It seems like something that the wife wouldn't appreciate and I could be way off on that, I admit, who knows? Maybe she will come post and be like "hey, I was actually hoping my husband would do this!" Then we're in a different scenario.


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## ASummersDay

Hahaha I wasn't "judging" the OP. Apparently requesting clarification is judging. I agree with everything Faithful Wife has said. Asking other women about their bisexual thoughts is a poor way to gain insight about his wife.


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## ASummersDay

lifeisbetterthanalternat said:


> Mrs Davey,
> Thanks for your insight. As a side note your “I am not sure why that matters” can be interpreted in a varitety of different ways ranging from “this is none of your business” (which seems to be faithful’s position that she is entitled to her privacy of thought) to one of empathy and wanting to know so you can help me further. Your follow up seemed to clarify it. I never thought about the idea that opening to a man that you are bi would welcome the undesirable side effects of being threatened or thinking that would open the door to a threesome. None apply to me
> ...............
> 
> It may be difficult for you too to appreciate or understand this type of thinking on her part. Anyway, one night I simply took the vibrator out after she was aroused and she loved it. It is now a fun tool that she enjoys solo and together. I don’t inquire about her solo activity and her thoughts that get her aroused as I respect her privacy in this regard. I have learned much about my wife inadvertently from the others sharing on this forum. This applies to sexual and non-sexual matters.
> ...............
> 
> I also don’t have a problem with her being aroused by things other than me. I only seek to understand them what those things are if she so desires. She was the one that has mentioned (then for some reason been shy about it on other occasions) that the female form is arousing to her. t


life, I apologize if my post came off as passing judgment. I would recommend talking to your wife about it in a gentle way, expressing that you've noticed that sometimes her Catholic background has sometimes inhibited her in the past. Emphasize how important her pleasure is to you.

Unfortunately, if your wife isn't ready to explore her potential bisexuality or bi-curiosity, nothing anyone says here will make her ready for that. I wouldn't think about it too much, since you can't force her to admit it if she doesn't want to. If she is repressing a desire for women's bodies, pushing anything on her may cause her to repress those desires and deny them even more.

The only advice I can give you is to approach it in a gentle way and back off if she denies.


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## tulsy

MrsDavey said:


> ... Asking other women about their bisexual thoughts is a poor way to gain insight about his wife.


I think asking other people, men and women, *anything* may help you understand things about other men and women, your spouse included.


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## ASummersDay

Key word being "may". It really doesn't matter if a few women on TAM fantasize about other women's bodies. What matters is what his wife thinks and feels, and the only way to determine that is to talk to her.

Sexuality is a very personal and individual thing.


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## norajane

Women having sexual fantasies about women is very common, probably in the top ten. Doesn't mean they want to act on it. Doesn't mean they are bi. Doesn't mean anything more than it's an erotic thought as _fantasy_.

If OP is worried about it, then he can set his mind to rest that it's normal and common. He could do research, but he chose to ask women here. What's the big deal?


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## ASummersDay

It's not a big deal. He is, of course, free to seek whatever means he wishes of gaining insight.


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## lifeisbetterthanalternat

Faithful Wife said:


> I'm sorry if I am way off base. But being a (non-closeted) bi-sexual woman, it always makes me a bit leery when a man wants to hear about women's sexual thoughts about other women. I don't see how this would help your marriage at all.


 

I am not sure if the essence of my post is offensive to you or other BI women. I am just a guy trying to understand his wife. For the record I am never was asking women to “share their sexual thoughts”. There are forums for threads like that and TAM is not one of them (thankfully) I can see why that would make you leery but, that is clearly NOT what I wrote. I am not sure why you would right that. Perhaps you should read more closely before you call someone out in this way. I said that I pretty much know (because she has told me with a buzz) that she is aroused by the sight of another woman. 

Again I admire your sexual openness. But perhaps women like my wife that grew up in a totally different era where sexual preferences were not discussed on television or if they were they were contained in comment that were very homophobic or worse yet contained derogatory, unfavorable nicknames for LGBT folks. 

As for my reason for wanting to know..it simply to understand what her hot buttons are. For example if I want for us to have a little loving (as I am more HD) and it was home-movie night, should I rent something like “magic mike”, or starring Brad Pitt, George clooney or something that contains a couple of beautiful leading ladies. If that makes me the devil….well hand me my pitchfork. 

I will also reiterate my lack of interest in a 3 way. I don’t judge those that do but, for me personally I would not want to engage in that sort of thing. 

In all honesty I think this really has more to do with overcoming inhibitions than anything else. I had done some Google searches on this and there are conflicting results as to this idea of how common this is. So I thought I would simply inquire with all the nice folks here…


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## lifeisbetterthanalternat

MrsDavey said:


> life, I apologize if my post came off as passing judgment. I would recommend talking to your wife about it in a gentle way, expressing that you've noticed that sometimes her Catholic background has sometimes inhibited her in the past. Emphasize how important her pleasure is to you.
> 
> Unfortunately, if your wife isn't ready to explore her potential bisexuality or bi-curiosity, nothing anyone says here will make her ready for that. I wouldn't think about it too much, since you can't force her to admit it if she doesn't want to. If she is repressing a desire for women's bodies, pushing anything on her may cause her to repress those desires and deny them even more.
> 
> The only advice I can give you is to approach it in a gentle way and back off if she denies.


Thanks for your well-articulated thoughts.


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## Faithful Wife

Well lifeis...did you get what you were looking for?


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## lifeisbetterthanalternat

I guess my goal is really to get her to be less inhibited. Whether it is to watch and be aroused by visual things on TV of whatever. I don't expect her to come out and describe her giril-girl fantasies. 

My wife recently recorded the victorias secret show. I think women are drawn to this on many levels that have nothing to do with being aroused by other women. I guess what would be great is if she watched it and got all worked up especially if she "owned it". I suspect (like other women) that she is not entirely comfortable with it.


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## LoveLonely

I don't want to get into the debate, but I would like to make a few comments geared towards the original question. This topic is one that deals with experience in my own relationship.

Are you okay with what you might find out? What I have learned is that, this CAN be a very difficult topic for a couple to deal with. It has nothing to do with one's lack of tolerance, but everything to do with one's needs in a relationship. These needs are often not even THOUGHT about until one is already knee deep in a situation concerning sexual orientation.

Fortunately, in our situation, with THOUSANDS of hours of conversation and sleepless nights, we learned a great deal. We learned that EITHER of us would have the exact same feelings if the tables were turned. This yielded greater empathy, love, compassion, etc. and made our relationship STRONGER. It was also closely tied to gradually opening up to other topics. Our sex life is amazing, and far better than anything I could have ever imagined. Our love for each other is the same. Our situation is what we call a "beautiful perfection." We are both very sensitive, even jealous, individuals. That has only drawn us closer. We now discuss things that neither of us could have ever imagined. And it is very liberating to the both of us.

I will be a but cryptic here. Anything you ever do, you do TOGETHER, and you do because it is really about you two. I wish you both well.


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## Marriedand40

We all have different fantasies, that is human nature.

Maybe this woman appreciates a woman's femininity and talks about it but when push comes to shove wouldn't go through with it.

Let's face it, what woman doesn't find Sofia Vergera pretty? Whether or not her accent or acting annoys you, nobody can say she isn't pretty.

I wouldn't have a problem if my wife spoke about being with another woman but it isn't her thing. My wife's crush is Ryan Gosling. She'll speak about Kate Beckinsale being a gorgeous woman but never along the lines of saying she wouldn't mind being touched.

I did one time say that if she wanted to bring another woman in the bed with us I wouldn't have a problem with it. She hit me with a pillow immediately afterwards!!!


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## Thunder7

My straight as an arrow wife once said of Jennifer Lopez, 'Hell, I'd do her'. HELLO!! I have been searching in vain for a JLo look alike ever since.


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## Runs like Dog

Every woman is 3 drinks away from bi-flexibous.


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## Thunder7

Runs like Dog said:


> Every woman is 3 drinks away from bi-flexibous.


If that were true I'd have 3 drinks on hand 24-7.


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