# Is it possible to have a beautiful relationship although it's started really bad?



## vr00mm (Sep 20, 2011)

Hi there,

I am in an on and off relationship with my patner for 4 years. We had gotten married when we first only knew each other for a few months, consequently the marriage crumbled after 6 months. 
Ever since then, we resume our on and off relationshs , went through many break ups and many reconciliations til now.
Currently, we plan to try to live together as we only had lived together for the first 6 months 4 years ag. we want to see how well we suit for each other. 
This is gonna be our last straw as we had just 'broken up' again,3 months ago and got back together again 1 week ago.

The relationship has been really turbulance. It was filled with a restraining order once, visits to mental hospital, hospitals and illegal drug abused and legal drug abused, verbal and emotional abused.

However, i believe and i dont think i am being delusional, we actualy gotten better as years go by. 
By now, we know each other too well.
We still find each other cuddling, kissing and holding hands heaps. (after 4years!)
We strive to work on the relationship and strive to fix our issues. 
However, we are thought from the the start that the relationship is doomed to fail. 
But the drug abused had stopped years ago and now, we are trying to find pain management for my patner who suffers from inoperable brain tumour. It has makes him depressed all this time hence affected our relationship. 
The medication that was given to him also made him loopy and close to being a mental case.
He tried to quit all the drugs (the legal drugs) all together last month and gone cold turkey. because of that, he becomes a kind, nice man that i always love. His mind is clear and he behaves accordingly.
We had many traumatic experiences in the past , but our love is still very strong. We have doubts if things can work but i was just wondering if anyone out there experiences similarly?
Relationship that had gotten off the wrong foot but over time it gets better?


is it viable?

Thanks.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Yes, it can happen. We met and married in 41 days. Went through domestic assault charges, restraining orders.. we're still together.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vr00mm (Sep 20, 2011)

How is the relationship like now Cherry? is it good? or is it just flat?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Hi Vroom, welcome to the forums. 

My H and I fought a lot in the beginning and some of the fights were physical. It was pretty ugly. We are doing better now (five years later) and I would say we have a good relationship.


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## vr00mm (Sep 20, 2011)

Hi Bianca!

Wow ....that is encouraging! So there are hopes!

somesay going back to x will never work. I lost count on how many times we have been back and breaks!

Thanks Guys


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

vr00mm said:


> Hi Bianca!
> 
> Wow ....that is encouraging! So there are hopes!
> 
> ...


If you go back and repeat what you have done before then it's likely you will break up again. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. 

But there's another important aspect, which is focusing on your emotional development. You have to let go of what might happen and try not to judge what happens. Pay attention to how you feel right now, this moment, and always focus and respond to now. Be careful of responding to 'what if' and the fear of it.


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## vr00mm (Sep 20, 2011)

Hey....thats a very good point!!


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## vr00mm (Sep 20, 2011)

Did you have to learn the hardway to get to where you had said up there Blanca?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Oh yes. I did the same things over and over and I was so miserable. It was one of the most painful things I've ever gone through.


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## vr00mm (Sep 20, 2011)

and is it suffice to say that now you completely do different things which resulted in a relationship that you want?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

It would be accurate to say that I do things completely differently, and that I had a complete change of heart. The change of heart is the most important part. If your heart changes your actions will follow. 

Some days I have the relationship I want and some days not so much. But we are getting there. My actions resulted more in me becoming the person I want to be and less in getting the relationship that I want.


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## vr00mm (Sep 20, 2011)

Wow thats beautiful. I am going to re read it again and again.
I know i have lots of issues that i have to grapple. I have issued of co dependence, i have issues of self esteem and i am lacking of self love. I study spiritualism and positivities affirmations but due to my childhood traumas i am having a hard time to stay on the straight line. In fact i feel that i have derailed!
Can i ask if your patner also choose to make the good change or is it just you?
Thanks for the share Bianca, it will helps me surely!


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## vr00mm (Sep 20, 2011)

...also....how do you change your heart?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Co-dependency and self-esteem issues will surely prevent any change of heart because those come with an "I need" foundation. With a foundation of co-dependency you will treat your H as an object of your happiness which will preclude you from being able to care about him. His struggles will always be about you and you will have to change him, not because you care about him, but because your happiness depends on him being what you need. In addition, treating him as an object of your happiness will prevent you from building a foundation that will truly make you feel secure. 

I think my change of heart came about when I changed from seeing my H as a person responsible for my pain, to seeing him as a person who is also in pain. I read a lot of books, Seat of the Soul, Radical Forgivness, and Boundaries in Marriage, to name a few. I also went to counseling as does he. You have to ask yourself, are my actions, words, and energy communicating that I care about him or that I need him? They aren't the same and one necessarily excludes the other. Caring about him has to become more important then getting something from him.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

vr00mm said:


> I study spiritualism and positivities affirmations but due to my childhood traumas i am having a hard time to stay on the straight line. In fact i feel that i have derailed!
> Can i ask if your patner also choose to make the good change or is it just you?
> Thanks for the share Bianca, it will helps me surely!


I have a hard time staying on a straight line, too! I have progressed to having my emotional fits in my head, which is a step up from ripping him out loud. baby steps. i hope to eventually stop throwing tantrums all together. Every day on my commute home I listen to Earkhart Tolle's audio on _The Power of Now._ It's been very helpful. I'm also in the process of finding a new counselor.

He made the change eventually. He goes to counseling and is trying.


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## vr00mm (Sep 20, 2011)

Ohh you really are a godsend Bianca!That is excactly my problems!But i really do want to change as i feel miserable living the way i am. I will get the book and study it.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

vr00mm said:


> Ohh you really are a godsend Bianca!That is excactly my problems!But i really do want to change as i feel miserable living the way i am. I will get the book and study it.


I'm glad I could help  I hope things get better for you.


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## charlene (Jul 21, 2011)

Interesting story Blanca, i can only hope me and my husband can do the same for our relationship!


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

vr00mm said:


> How is the relationship like now Cherry? is it good? or is it just flat?


I think I fell in love with my H all over again a few months ago. I had my guard up for a while once we reconciled, I was terrified of what direction we would go. I love my H with all my heart again, and he's become my best friend.


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## vr00mm (Sep 20, 2011)

Hello lovely girls

I am amazed how one could fall in love with the same person again after through hard times. 
It gives me hope that my relationship could improve. 
I have people and proffesionals, like the Shrinks, Domestic Violence counsellors saying that our realtionship is doom from the start. 
They advise are always, please stay away and find other fish in the sea. There is only one person/friend who condones our relationship and that is because my friend is a devoted Buddhist who believes in forgiveness!
Anyway, I started to believe in the rest, but at the same time, i also am torn between the love feelings that i have with this man and the theories.
I think our love for each other is mix between codependency and other issues yet, deep down we also know that it is a genuine love. 
I think i am analysis paralysis in the end.

We just got back together and all i want nowadays is be around him.To really make it work.
I found that i fell most comfortable with him around me. Even when he is not in the house, but as long as we together i feel really secure.
But that theory would be called Co dependency by the outsider and they say is bad.

Hmm..but it feels good.


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