# Need Advice



## Meh (Dec 28, 2012)

Hello. My husband and I have been married for 15 years. We have two children ages 11 and 14. I am considering divorce at this time because we live in a sexless relationship, and I view him more like a brother or roommate than a husband and lover. I am wondering if I should stick it out for the kids or just leave. I know that a divorce would absolutely devastate the children, but the thought of sticking it out for the next 7 years is driving me to consider suicide. I know my happiness is not important next to theirs. I just don't know how I can make it through the next 7 yrs being miserable. 
We got married when I was 16. He is eight years older and wanted someone he could manipulate and control, and he did so for the the last 13 years of our marriage. It has only been recently that he has changed. We both have grown up. He loves me unconditionally and listens more than most men. I am not an easy person to love. I suffer with depression, anxiety, stubbornness and anger. We have been through 5 yrs or more of counseling. I just feel that I have been beat down so much over the years, rejected, etc that I can't go back to where we were even though I have tried to so hard. I just can't do it. I don't know what to do. What do I do?


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Meh,

I have been at this website for about 2 years now. Nearly everyday there is a story similar to yours and the years of marriage are usually 15 to 20 years. Mine was 17. My wife had had it and said she wanted to divorce. We didn't and things are much better, but it was over a year of hell to work our way back. It was worth it.

The grass can look greener elsewhere, but the truth is that it is much easier to fix what we already have. Whatever it takes.

We did MC, IC and marriage workshops which some helped some didn't. In the end we both have quirks still. We always will.

There are phases in all times of life and this is just one of them. As we age we mello. 

Stay with it for the kids and I bet if you both work at it you can find a new appreciation.


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

Why do you think the relationship is sexless?

Is it because he has a low sex drive?

Or because he isn't attracted to you or vice versa?

Or because the sex isn't good when it happens?

Have there been any affairs on either end?

Without knowing the answers to those questions it is hard to know whether your situation is fixable.

What I do know is that if you are miserable for the next 7 years your children will not be any better off than they would be if you had divorced.


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## thinking (Dec 5, 2012)

Meh,

I think that this is something that you are going to have to figure out for yourself. This forum is peculiar in that it seems to attract betrayed spouses, and people considering divorce. Both groups have their distinct point of view and maybe agendas. Nevertheless, there is some good information in here at times.

I am experiencing many similiarities to you, and of course that's why I'm here. Me, I'd say that 5 years of trying is way more than enough, but take what I say with a grain of salt. I also don't think a marriage for marriage sake is enough of a reason to stay together.

What do you think the long term happiness will be of each member of your family (including yourself) if you stay together? Split and remain friendly (if possible)? other outcomes?


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## katc (Aug 7, 2011)

There is so much of this. 

Marriages that have turned into friendships.

I too am there. But it works for me. .


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## confused_in_ca (Nov 20, 2012)

Change is a slow process. Not only has he shown a willingness to change but he HAS changed as well, according to what you have said.

So work on the next issue you want to change with the view that it will take some work and some time.

I firmly believe in rewarding 'good behavior'. So why is the marriage sexless? Too much past anger, or is it him and do you even discuss the issue?


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## StephenG (Nov 22, 2012)

You'll never get to the bottom of this until you find out why it is sexless. 

Don't go straight to considering divorce or anything until you try to figure out answers yourself.

Sit down and talk to him and suggest MC, let him know your feelings and your thoughts.
My wife and I are separated now and I can't tell you how different things would be if she just sat me down and told me the severity of her problems.

I'd never be in the situation i am in now and I wouldn't be on this site still living the "good" life if she only sat me down and was stern.


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## Kelgirl (Dec 30, 2012)

*I applaud you.. you did what it takes to make your marriage work. My husband told me he will not do counseling.. he feels he do not need it.. I know that's the only way our marriage will make it.. Not sure when the last time he told me he loved me.. no affection, no hugs, kisses, no touching. Sex is just that Sex...whenever we have it but nothing passionate about it. I know he have things on his mind.. but to be so distant and it don't bother him that I am distant due to him being distant..any hue.. I applaud you.*




This is me said:


> Meh,
> 
> I have been at this website for about 2 years now. Nearly everyday there is a story similar to yours and the years of marriage are usually 15 to 20 years. Mine was 17. My wife had had it and said she wanted to divorce. We didn't and things are much better, but it was over a year of hell to work our way back. It was worth it.
> 
> ...


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## gabe135 (Dec 30, 2012)

Meh,

With all due respect, your post appears to say your husband a good guy (ok with counseling, he listens, etc....).... well except for the control thing, but that appears to have gone away. The post also notes your issues (considering suicide, depression, anxiety, anger, hard to live with) - which can lead to no sex. You guys have been to counseling and I truly believe if you two have been honest with the counselor, you guys probably know your answers - or need to change counselors and each of you guys to be brutally honest. Without knowing both sides of this situation ........ stay with counseling and do try to salvage a better marriage (not a perfect marriage). Divorce is not as easy as it sounds (kids bouncing back/forth), finances, houses, jobs, ex-family and friends. Depending on the situation it can lead to be more depressed, more angry, lonely, etc........ - it's truly a totally last resort if nothing is salvageable. As said by another - the grass is not always greener. My advice on what was posted is pinpoint the reason for no sex. I will say from experience that for many depression (or it's meds) can certainly be a cause. If your husband is truly a good guy ........ try to salvage the marriage if possible.


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